THE
HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
AN ACCOUNT OF HUMBUGS, DELUSIONS, IMPOSITIONS,
QUACKERIES, DECEITS AND DECEIVERS
GENERALLY, IN ALL AGES.
BY
P. T. BARNUM.
Omne ignotum pro miriflco." " Wonderful, because mysterious."
NEW YORK:
CARLETOJY. PUBLISHER, 413 BROADWAY.
1866.
Entered according to Act of Congress, In the year 1865, by
G. W. CARLETON,
In the Clerk s Office of the District Court for the Southern District of New York.
PUBLISHER S NOTE.
ONE of Mr. Barnum s secrets of success is his unique methods
of advertising, and we can readily understand how he can bear to
be denounced as a " Humbug," because this popular designation,
though undeserved in the popular acceptation of it, " brought grist
to his mill." He has constantly kept himself before the public
nay, we may say that he has been kept before the public constantly,
by the stereotyped word in question ; and what right, or what
desire, could he have to discard or complain of an epithet which
was one of the prospering elements of his business as " a show
man ?" In a narrow sense of the word he is a "Humbug:" in
the larger acceptation he is not.
He has in several chapters of this book elaborated the distinc
tion, and we will only say in this place, what, indeed, no one who
knows him will doubt, that, aside from his qualities as a caterer to
popular entertainment, he is one of the most remarkable men of
the age. As a business man, of far-reaching vision and singular
executive force, he has for years been the liie of Bridgeport, near
which city he has long resided, and last winter he achieved high
rank in the Legislature of Connecticut, as both an effective speaker
and a patriot, having " no axe to grind," and seeking only the
public welfare. We, indeed, agree with the editor of The New
York Independant, who, in an article drawn out by the burning of
the American Museum, says : " Mr. Barnum s rare talent as a
speaker has always been exercised in behalf of good morals, and
for patriotic objects. No man has done better service in the
temperance cause by public lectures during the past ten years,
both in America and Great Britain, and during the war he was
most efficient in stimulating the spirit which resulted in the pre
servation of the Union, and the destruction of Slavery."
We cannot forbear quoting two or three additional paragraphs
from that article, especially as they are so strongly expressive of
the merits of the case :
" Mr. Barnum s whole career has been a very transparent one.
He has never befooled the public to its injury, and, though his
IV
name has come to be looked upon as n. synonym for humbuggory,
there never was a public man who was less of one.
." The hearty good wishes of many good men, and the sympathies
of the community in which he has lived, go with him, and the
public he has so long amused, but never abused, will be ready to
sustain him whenever he makes another appeal to them. Mr.
Barnum is a very good sort of representative Yankee. When
crowds of English traders and manufacturers in Liverpool, Man
chester, and London, flocked to hear his lectures on the art of
making money, they expected to hear from him some very smart
recipes for knavery ; but they were as much astonished as they
were edified to learn that the only secret he had to tell them was
to be honest, and not to expect something for nothing."
We could fill many pages with quotations of corresponding
tenor from the leading and most influential men and journals in
the land, but we will close this publisher s note with the following
from the N. Y. Sun.
" One of the happiest impromptu oratorical efforts that we have
heard for some time was that made by Barnum at the benefit per
formance given for his employes on Friday afternoon. If a
stranger wanted to satisfy himself how the great showman had
managed so to monopolize the ear and eye of the public during his
long career he could not have had a better opportunity of doing
so than by listening to this address. Every word, though deli
vered with apparent carelessness, struck a key-note in thj hearts
of his listeners. Simple, forcible, and touching, it showed how
thoroughly this extraordinary man comprehends the character of
his countrymen, and how easily he can play upon their feelings.
" Those who look upon Barnum as a mere charlatan, have really
no knowledge of him. It would be easy to demonstrate that the
qualities that have placed him in his present position of notoriety
and affluence would, in another pursuit, have raised him to far
greater eminence. In his breadth of views, his profound know
ledge of mankind, his courage under reverses, his indomitable per
severance, his ready eloquence, and his admirable busine.-s tact,
we recognise the eleVnents that are conducive to success in most
other pursuits. More than almost any other living man, Barnum
may be said to be a representative type of the American mind." ;
INTRODUCTION.
In the "Autobiography of P. T. Barnum," published in 1855, I
partly promised to write a book which should expose some of the
chief humbugs of the world. The invitation of my friends
Messrs. Cauldwell and Whitney of the " Weekly Mercury " caused
me to furnish for that paper a series of articles in which I very natu
rally took up the subject in question. This book is a revision and
re-arrangement of a portion of those articles. If I should find that I
have met a popular demand, I shall in due time put forth a second
volume. There is not the least danger of a dearth of materials,
I once travelled through the Southern States in company with a
magician. The first day in each town, he astonished his auditors
with his deceptions. He then announced that on the following
day he would show how each trick was performed, and how every
man might thus become his own magician. That expost spoiled
the legerdemain market on that particular route, for several years.
So, if we could have a full exposure of " the tricks of trade " of all
sorts, of humbugs and deceivers of past times, religious, political,
financial, scientific, quackish and so forth, we might perhaps look
for a somewhat wiser generation to follow us. I shall be well
satisfied if I can do something towards so good a purpose.
P. T. BAKNUM.
CONTENTS.
I. PERSONAL REMINISCENCES.
CHAPTER I. GENERAL VIEW OF THE SUBJECT. HUMBUG UNIVER
SAL. IN RELIGION. IN POLITICS. IN BUSINESS. IN SCIENCE.
IN MEDICINE. HOW IT IS TO CEASE. THE GREATEST HUMBUG
OF ALL. 11
CHAPTER II. DEFINITION OF THE WORD HUMBUG. WARREN OP
LONDON. GENIN THE HATTER. GOSLING S BLACKING. 18
CHAPTER III. MONSIEUR MANGIN, THE FRENCH HUMBUG. 29
CHAPTER IV. OLD GRIZZLY ADAMS. 37
CHAPTER V. THE GOLDEN PIGEONS. GRIZZLY ADAMS. GER
MAN CHEMIST. HAPPY FAMILY. FRENCH NATURALIST. 46
CHAPTER VI. THE WHALE, THE ANGEL FISH, AND THE GOLDEN
PIGEON. 68
CHAPTER VII. PEASE S HOARHOUND CANDY. THE DORR RE
BELLION. THE PHILADELPHIA ALDERMAN. 67
CHAPTER VIII. BRANDRETH S PILLS. MAGNIFICENT ADVER
TISING. POWER OF IMAGINATION. 66
II. THE SPIRITUALISTS.
CHAPTER IX. THE DAVENPORT BROTHERS, THEIR RISE AND PRO
GRESS. SPIRITUAL ROPE-TYING. MUSIC PLAYING. CABINET
SECRETS. " THEY CHOOSE DABKNESS RATHER THAN LIGHT," ETC.
THE SPIRITUAL HAND. HOW THE THING IS DONE. DR. W. F.
VAN VLECK. 73
CHAPTER X. THE SPIRIT-RAPPING AND MEDIUM HUMBUGS.
THEIR ORIGIN. HOW THE THING IS DONE. $500 REWARD. 82
CHAPTER XI. THE " BALLOT TEST." THE OLD GENTLEMAN AND
ins "DISEASED" RELATIVES. A "HUNGRY SPIRIT." "PALM
ING " A BALLOT. REVELATIONS ON STRIPS OF PAPER. 88
CHAPTER XII. SPIRITUAL "LETTERS ON THE ARM." HOW TO
MAKE THEM YOURSELF. THE TAMBOURINE AND RING FEATS. DEX-
TER S DANCING HATS. PHOSPHORESCENT OIL. SOME SPIRITUAL
SLANG. 96
Vlll CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XIII. DEMONSTRATIONS BY " SAMPSON" UNDER A TA
BLE A MEDIUM WHO IS HAPPY WITH HER FEET. EXPOSE OF
ANOTHER OPERATOR IN DARK CIRCLES. 102
CHAPTER XIV. SPIRITUAL PHOTOGRAPHING. COLORADO JEW-
ETT AND THE SPIRIT PHOTOGRAPHS OF GENERAL JACKSON, HEN
RY CLAY, DANIEL WEBSTER, STEPHEN A. DOUGLAS, NAPOLEON B >NA-
PARTE, ETC. A LADY OF DISTINCTION SEEKS AND FINDS A SPIRIT
UAL PHOTOGRAPH OF HER DECEASED INFANT, AND HER DEAD
BROTHER WHO WAS YET ALIVE. HOW IT WAS DONE. 109
CHAPTER XV. BANNER OF LIGHT. MESSAGES FROM THE DEAD.
SPIKITUAL CIVILITIES. SPIRIT "HOLLERING." HANS VON
VLEET, THE FEMALE DUTCHMAN. MRS. CONANT s " CIRCLES."
PAINE S TABLE-TIPPING HUMBUG EXPOSED. 119
CHAPTER XVI. SPIRITUALIST HUMBUGS WAKING UP. FOSTER
HEARD FROM. S. B. BRITTAIN HEARD FROM. THE BOSTON ARTISTS
AND THEIR SPIRITUAL PORTRAITS. THE WASHINGTON MEDIUM
AND HIS SPIRITUAL HANDS. THE DAVENPORT BROTHERS AND THE
SEA-CAPTAIN S WHEAT-FLOUR. THE DAVENPORT BROTHERS ROUGH
LY SHOWN UP BY JOHN BULL HOW A SHINGLE "STUMPED"
THE SPIRITS. 130
CHAPTER XVII. THE DAVENPORT BROTHERS SHOWN UP ONCE
MORE. THE SPIRITUALIST BOGUS BABY. A LADY BRINGS FORTH
A MOTIVE FORCE. "GUM" ARABIC. SPIRITUALIST HEBREW.
THE ALLEN BOY. DR. RANDALL. PORTLAND EVENING COURI
ER. THE FOOLS NOT ALL DEAD YET. 145
III. TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS.
CHAPTER XVIII. ADULTERATIONS OF FOOD. ADULTERATIONS OF
LIQUOR. THE COLONEL S WHISKEY. THE HUMBUGOMETER. 152
CHAPTER XIX. ADULTERATIONS IN DRINKS. RIDING HOME ON
YOUR WINE-BARREL. LIST OF THINGS TO MAKE RUM. THINGS
TO COLOR IT WITH. CANAL-BOAT HASH. ENGLISH ADULTERA
TION LAW. EFFECT OF DRUGS USED. HOW TO USE THEM. BUY
ING LIQUORS UNDER THE CUSTOM-HOUSE LOCK. HOMEOPATHIC
DOSE. 160
CHAPTER XX. THE PETER FUNKS AND THEIR FUNCTIONS. THE
RURAL DIVINE AND THE WATCH. RISE AND PROGRESS OF MOCK
AUCTIONS. THEIR DECLINE AND FALL. 167
CHAPTER XXI. LOTTERY SHARKS. BOULT AND HIS BROTHERS.
KENNETH, KIMBALL & COMPANY. A MORE CENTRAL LOCATION
WANTED FOR BUSINESS. TWO SEVENTEENTHL1ES. STRANGE CO
INCIDENCE. 175
CONTENTS. IX
CHAPTER XXII. ANOTHER LOTTERY HUMBUG. TWO-HUNDRBD
AND FIFTY RECIPES. VILE BOOKS. "ADVANTAGE CARDS."
A PACKAGE FOR YOU; PLEASE SEND THE MONEY. PEDDLING IN
WESTERN NEW YOKK. 182
CHAPTER XXIII. A CALIFORNIA COAL MINE. A HARTFORD COAL
MINE. MYSTERIOUS SUBTERRANEAN CANAL ON THE ISTHMUS. 189
IV. MONEY MANIAS.
CHAPTER XXIV. THE PETROLEUM HUMBUG. THE NEW YORK
AND RANGOON PETROLEUM COMPANY. 195
CHAPTER XXV. THE TULIPOMANIA. 204
CHAPTER XXVI. JOHN BULL S GREAT MONEY HUMBUG. THE
SOUTH SEA BUBBLE IN 1720. 213
CHAPTER XXVII. BUSINESS HUMBUGS. JOHN LAW. THE MIS
SISSIPPI SCHEME. JOHNNY CRAPAUD AS GREEDY AS JOHNNY BULL. 221
V. MEDICINE AND QUACKS.
CHAPTER XXVIII. DOCTORS AND IMAGINATION. FIRING A JOKE
OUT OF A CANNON. THE PARIS EYE WATER. MAJENDIE ON MED
ICAL KNOWLEDGE. OLD SANDS OF LIFE. 232
CHAPTER XXIX. THE CONSUMPTIVE REMEDY. E. ANDREWS,
M. D. BORN WITHOUT BIRTHRIGHTS. HASHEESH CANDY. RO-
BACK THE GREAT. A CONJUROR OPPOSED TO LYING. 237
CHAPTER XXX. MONSIGNORE CRISTOFORO RISCHIO ; OR IL
CRESO, THE NOSTRUM-VENDER OF FLORENCE. A MODEL FOR OUR
QUACK DOCTORS. 242
VI. HOAXES.
CHAPTER XXXI. THE TWENTY-SEVENTH STREET GHOST. SPIR
ITS ON THE RAMPAGE. 251
CHAPTER XXXIL THE MOON HOAX. 259
CHAPTER XXXIII. THE MISCEGENATION HOAX. A GREAT LIT
ERARY" SELL. POLITICAL HUMBUGGING. TRICKS OF THE WIRE
PULLERS. MACHINERY EMPLOYED TO RENDER THE PAMPHLET
NOTORIOUS. WHO WERE SOLD AND HOW IT WAS DONE. 273
VII. GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS.
CHAPTER XXXIV. HAUNTED HOUSES. A NIGHT SPENT ALONE
WITH A GHOST. KIRBY THE ACTOR. COLT 1 8 PISTOLS VERSUS
HOBGOBLINS. THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED. 284
X CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XXXV. HAUNTED HOUSES. GHOSTS. GHOULS. PHAN
TOMS. VAMPIRES. CONJURORS. DIVINING GOBLINS. FORTUNE-
TELLING. MAGIC. WITCHES. SORCERY. OBI. DREAMS. SIGNS.
SPIRITUAL MEDIUMS. FALSE PROPHETS. DEMONOLOGY. DEV
ILTRY GENERALLY. 293
CHAPTER XXXVI. MAGICAL HUMBUGS. VIRGIL. A PICKLED
SORCEROR. CORNELIUS AGRIPPA, HIS STUDENTS AND HIS BLACK
DOG. DOCTOR FAUSTUS. HUMBUGGING HORSE- JOCKEYS. ZUTE
AND HIS LARGE SWALLOW. DEVIL TAKE THE HINDERMOST. 300
CHAPTER XXXVII. WITCHCRAFT. NEW YORK WITCHES. THE
WITCH MANIA. HOW FAST THEY BURNED THEM. THE MODE OF
TRIAL. WITCHES TO-DAY IN EUROPE. 308
CHAPTER XXXVIII. CHARMS AND INCANTATIONS. HOW CATO
CURED SPRAINS. THE SECRET NAME OF GOD. SECRET NAMES OF
CITIES. ABRACADABRA CURES FOR CRAMP. MR. WRIGHT S SIGEL.
WHISKERFUSTICUS. WITCHES HORSES. THEIR CURSES. HOW TO
RAISE THE DEVIL. 314
VIII. ADVENTURERS.
CHAPTER XXXIX. THE PRINCESS CARIBOO. 323
CHAPTER XL. COUNT CAGLIOSTRO, ALIAS JOSEPH BALSAMO,
KNOWN ALSO AS " CURSED JOE." 330
CHAPTER XLI. THE DIAMOND NECKLACE.
CHAPTER XLII. THE COUNT DE ST. GERMAIN, SAGE, PROPHET,
AND MAGICIAN. 354
CHAPTER XLIII. RIZA BEY, THE PERSIAN ENVOY TO LOUIS xiv. 361
IX. RELIGOUS HUMBUGS.
CHAPTER XLIV. DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. MATTHIAS THE IM-
POSTER. NEW YORK FOLLIES THIRTY YEARS AGO. 370
CHAPTER XLV. A RELIGOUS HUMBUG ON JOHN BULL. JOANNA
SOUTHCOTT. THE SECOND SHILOH.
CHAPTER XLVI. THE FIRST HUMBUG IN THE WORLD. ADVAN
TAGES OF STUDYING THE IMPOSITIONS OF FORMER AGES. HEA
THEN HUMBUGS. THE ANCIENT MYSTERIES. THE CABIRI. ELEU.SIS.
ISIS. 38G
CHAPTER XLVII. HKATIIEN HUMBUGS NO. 2. HEATHEN STATED
SERVICES. ORACLES. SIBYLS. AUGURIES.
CHAPTER XLVITI. MODERN HEATHEN HUMBUGS.
CHAPTER XLIX. ORDEALS. 408
CHAPTER L. APOLLONIUS OF TYANA. 416
HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
I. PERSONAL REMINISCENCES.
CHAPTER I.
GENERAL VIEW OF THE SUBJECT. HUMBUG UNIVER
SAL. IN RELIGION. IN POLITICS. IN BUSINESS.
IN SCIENCE. IN MEDICINE. HOW IS IT TO CEASE.
THE GREATEST HUMBUG OF ALL.
A little reflection will show that humbug is an as
tonishingly wide-spread phenomenon in fact almost
universal. And this is true, although we exclude
crimes and arrant swindles from the definition of it,
according to the somewhat careful explanation which is
given in the beginning of the chapter succeeding this
one.
I apprehend that there is no sort of object which
men seek to attain, whether secular, moral or religious*
in which humbug is not very often an instrumentality.
Religion is and has ever been a chief chapter of human
life. False religions are the only ones known to two
thirds of the human race, even now, after nineteen cen
turies of Christianity ; and__false religions are perhaps
the most monstrous, complicated and thorough-going
specimens of humbug that can be found. And even
within the pale of Christianity, how unbroken has
been the succession of impostors, hypocrites and pre-
12 \ lltTMBUGS : OF THE WORLD.
tiidi\s, .male and female, of every possible variety of
age, sex, doctrine and discipline !
Politics and government are certainly among the
most important of practical human interests. Now it
was a diplomatist that is, a practical manager of one
kind of government matters who invented that won
derful phrase a whole world full of humbug in half-a-
dozen words that " Language was given to us to con
ceal our thoughts." It was another diplomatist, who
said " An ambassador is a gentleman sent to lie abroad
for the good of his country." But need I explain to
my own beloved countrymen that there is humbug in
politics ? Does anybody go into a political campaign
without it ? are no exaggerations of our candidate s mer
its to be allowed ? no depreciations of the other candi
date ? Shall we no longer prove that the success of the
party opposed to us will overwhelm the land in ruin ?
Let me see. Leaving out the two elections of General
Washington, eighteen times that very fact has been
proved by the party that was beaten, and immediately
we have not been ruined, notwithstanding that the
dreadful fatal fellows on the other side got their hands
on the offices and their fingers into the treasury.
Business is the ordinary means of living for nearly
all of us. And in what business is there not humbug ?
" There s cheating in all trades but ours," is the prompt
reply from the boot-maker with his brown paper soles,
the grocer with his floury sugar and chicoried coffee,
the butcher with his mysterious sausages and queer
veal, the dry goods man with his " damaged goods wet
at the great fire " and his " selling at a ruinous loss,"
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 13
the stock-broker with his brazen assurance that your
company is bankrupt and your stock not worth a cent
(if he wants to buy it,) the horse jockey with his black
arts and spavined brutes, the milkman with his tin
aquaria, the land agent with his nice new maps and
beautiful descriptions of distant scenery, the newspaper
man with his " immense circulation," the publisher
with his " Great American Novel," the city auctioneer
with his u Pictures by the Old Masters " all and
every one protest each his own innocence, and warn
you against the deceits of the rest. My inexperienced
friend, take it for granted that they all tell the
truth about each other ! and then transact your busi
ness to the best of your ability on your own judgment.
Never fear but that you will get experience enough,
and that you will pay well for it too ; and towards the
time when you shall no longer need earthly goods, you
will begin to know how to buy.
Literature is one of the most interesting and significant
expressions of humanity. Yet books are thickly pep
pered with humbug. " Travellers stories " have been
the scoff of ages, from the u True Story" of witty old
Lucian the Syrian down to the gorillarities if I may
coin a word of the Frenchman Du Chaillu. Ire
land s counterfeited Shakspeare plays, Chatterton s
forged manuscripts, George Psalmanazar s forged For-
mosan language, Jo Smith s Mormon Bible, (it should
be noted that this and the Koran sounded two strings
of humbug together the literary and the religious,)
the more recent counterfeits of the notorious Greek
Simonides such literary humbugs as these are equal
14 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
in presumption and in ingenuity too, to any of a mere
ly business kind, though usually destitute of that sort
of impiety which makes the great religious humbugs
horrible as well as impudent.
Science is another important field of human effort.
Science is the pursuit of pure truth, and the system
atizing of it. In such an employment as that, one
might reasonably hope to find all things done in hon
esty and sincerity. Not at all, my ardent and inquir
ing friends, there is a scientific humbug just as large as
any other. We have all heard of the Moon Hoax.
Do none of you remember the Hydrarchos Sillimannii,
that awful Alabama snake ? It was only a little while
ago that a grave account appeared in a newspaper of a
whole new business of compressing ice. Perpetual
motion has been the dream of scientific visionaries, and a
pretended but cheating realization of it has been exhib
ited by scamp after scamp. I understand that one is
at this moment being invented over in Jersey City. I
have purchased more than one " perpetual motion "
myself. Many persons will remember Mr. Paine
"The Great Shot-at" as he was called, from his story
that people were constantly trying to kill him and
his water-gas. There have been other water gases too,
which were each going to show u s how to sot the North
River on fire, but something or other has always brok
en down just at the wrong moment. Nobody seems to
reflect, when these water gases come up, that if water
could really be made to burn, the right conditions
would surely have happened at some one of the thou
sands of city fires, and that the very stuff with which
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 15
our stout firemen were extinguishing the flames, would
have itself caught and exterminated the whole brave
wet crowd !
Medicine is the means by which we poor feeble crea
tures try to keep from dying or aching. In a world so
full of pain it would seem as if people could not be so
foolish, or practitioners so knavish, as to sport with men s
and women s and children s lives by their professional
humbugs. Yet there are many grave M. D. s who, if
there is nobody to hear, and if they speak their minds,
will tell you plainly that the whole practice of medicine
is in one sense a humbug. ! One of its features is cer
tainly a humbug, though so innocent and even useful
that it seems difficult to think of any objection to it.
This is the practice of giving a placebo ; that is, a
bread pill or a dose of colored water, to keep the pa
tient s mind easy while imagination helps nature to per
fect a cure. As for the quacks, patent medicines and
universal remedies, I need only mention their names.
Prince Hohenlohe, Valentine Greatrakes, John St. John
Long, Doctor Graham and his w r onderful bed, Mesmer
and his tub, Perkins metallic tractors these are
half a dozen. Modern history knows of hundreds of
such.
It would almost seem as if human delusions became
more unreasoning and abject in proportion as their sub
ject is of greater importance. A machine, a story, an
animal skeleton, are not so very important. But the
humbugs which have prevailed about that wondrous
machine, the human body, its ailments and its cures,
about the unspeakable mystery of human life, and still
16 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
more about the far greater and more awful mysteries
of the life beyond the grave, and the endless happi
ness and misery believed to exist there, the humbugs
about these have been infinitely more absurd, more
shocking, more unreasonable, more inhuman, more de
structive.
I can only allude to whole sciences (falsely so called)
which are unrningled humbugs from beginning to end.
Such was Alchemy, such was Magic, such was and still
is Astrology, and above all, Fortune-telling.
But there is a more thorough humbug than any of
these enterprises or systems. The greatest humbug of
all is the man who believes or pretends to believe
that everything and everybody are humbugs. We
sometimes meet a person who professes that there is no
virtue ; that every man has his price, and every wo
man hers ; that any statement from anybody is just as
likely to be false as true, and that the only way to de
cide which, is to consider whether truth or a lie was
likely to have paid best in that particular case. Relig
ion he thinks one of the smartest business dodges ex
tant, a firstrate investment, and by all odds the most
respectable disguise that a lying or swindling business
man can wear. Honor he thinks is a sham. Honesty
he considers a plausible word to flourish in the eyes of
the greener portion of our race, as you would hold out
a cabbage leaf to coax a donkey. What people want, he
thinks, or says he thinks, is something good to eat,
something good to drink, fine clothes, luxury, laziness,
wealth. If you can imagine a hog s mind in a man s
body sensual, greedy, selfish, cruel, cunning, sly,
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 17
coarse, yet stupid, short-sighted, unreasoning, unable
to comprehend anything except what, concerns the
flesh, you have your man. He thinks himself philo
sophic and practical, a man of the world; he thinks to
show knowledge and wisdom, penetration, cJ e P ac
quaintance with men and things. Poor fellow I he has
exposed his own nakedness. Instead of showing that
others are rotten inside, he has proved that lie is. He
claims that it is not safe to believe others - it is per
fectly safe to disbelieve him. He claims that every
man will get the better of you if possible let him
alone ! Selfishness, he says, is the universal rule leave
nothing to depend on his generosity or honor ; trust
him just as far as you can sling an elephant by the tail.
A bad world, he sneers, full of deceit and nastiness
it is his own foul breath that he smells ; only a thor
oughly corrupt heart could suggest such vile thoughts.
He sees only what suits him, as a turkey-buzzard spies
only carrion, though amid the loveliest landscape. I
pronounce him who thus virtually slanders his father
and dishonors his mother and defiles the sanctities of
home and the glory of patriotism and the merchant s
honor and the martyr s grave and the saint s crown
who does not even know that every sham shows that
there is a reality, and that hypocrisy is the homage
that vice pays to virtue I pronounce him no, I do
not pronounce him a humbug, the word does not apply
to him. He is a fool.
Looked at on one side, the history of humbug is
truly humiliating to intellectual pride, yet the long silly
story is less absurd during the later ages of history,
18 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
and grows less and less so in proportion to the spread
of real Christianity. This religion promotes good
sense, actual knowledge, contentment with what we
cannot help, and the exclusive use of intelligent means
for increasing human happiness and decreasing human
sorrow. /And whenever the time shall come when men
are kind and just and honest ; when they only want
what is fair and right, judge only on real and true ev
idence, and take nothing for granted, then there will be
no place left for any humbugs, either harmless or hurt
ful/
CHAPTER II.
DEFINITION OF THE WORD HUMBUG. - WARREN OF LON
DON. - GENIN, THE HATTER. GOSLING S BLACKING.
Upon a careful consideration of my undertaking to
give an account of the " Humbugs of the World, I
find myself somewhat puzzled in regard to the true
definition of that word. To be sure, Webster says
that humbug, as a noun, is an " imposition under fair
pretences ; " and as a verb, it is " to deceive ; to im
pose on." With all due deference to Doctor Webster,
I submit that, according to present usage, this is not the
only, nor even the generally accepted definition of that
term.
We w r ill suppose, for instance, that a man with " fair
pretences " applies to a wholesale merchant for credit
jn a large bill of goods. His " fair pretences " compre-
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 19
hend an assertion that he is a moral and religious man,
a member of the church, a man of wealth, etc., etc.
It turns out that he is not worth a dollar, but is a base,
lying wretch, an impostor and a cheat. He is arrested
and imprisoned " for obtaining property under false
pretences " or, as Webster says, " fair pretences." He
is punished for his villainy. The public do not call
him a " humbug ; " they very properly term him a
swindler.
A man, bearing the appearance of a gentleman in
dress and manners, purchases property from you, and
with " fair pretences " obtains your confidence. You
find, when he has left, that he paid you with counter
feit bank-notes, or a forged draft. This man is justly
called a " forger," or " counterfeiter ; " and if arrested,
he is punished as such ; but nobody thinks of calling
him a " humbug."
A respectable-looking man sits by your side in an
omnibus or rail-car. He converses fluently, and is evi
dently a man of intelligence and reading. He attracts
your attention by his " fair pretences." Arriving at
your journey s end, you miss your watch and your
pocket-book. Your fellow passenger proves to be the
thief. Everybody calls him a " pickpocket," and not
withstanding his " fair pretences," not a person in the
community calls him a " humbug."
Two actors appear as stars at two rival theatres.
They are equally talented, equally pleasing. One ad
vertises himself simply as a tragedian, under his proper
name the other boasts that he is a prince, and wears
decorations presented by all the potentates of the world,
20 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
including the " King of the Cannibal Islands." He is
correctly set down as a " humbug," while tins term is
never applied to the other actor. But if the man who
boasts of having received a foreign title is a miserable
actor, and he gets up gift-enterprises and bogus enter
tainments, or pretends to devote the proceeds of his
tragic efforts to some charitable object, without, in fact,
doing so he is then a humbug in Dr. Webster s sense
of that word, for he is an " impostor under fair pre
tences."
Two physicians reside in one of our fashionable av
enues. They were both educated in the best medical
colleges ; each has passed an examination, received his
diploma, and been dubbed an M. D. They are- equally
skilled in the healing art. One rides quietly about the
city in his gig or brougham, visiting his patients with
out noise or clamor the other sallies out in his coach
and four, preceded by a band of music, and his car
riage and horses are covered with handbills and pla
cards, announcing his " wonderful cures." This man
is properly called a quack and a humbug. Why ?
Not because he cheats or imposes upon the public, for
he does not, but because, as generally understood,
" humbug " consists in putting on glittering appear
ances outside show novel expedients, by which
to suddenly arrest public attention, and attract the
public eye and ear.
Clergymen, lawyers, or physicians, who should re
sort to such methods of attracting the public, would
not, for obvious reasons, be apt to succeed. Bankers,
insurance-agents, and others, who aspire to become the
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 21
custodians of the money of their fellow-men, would re
quire a different species of advertising from this ; but
there are various trades and occupations which need
only notoriety to insure success, always provided that
when customers are once attracted, they never fail to
get their money s worth. An honest man who thus
arrests public attention will be called a " humbug," but
he is not a swindler or an impostor. If, however, after
attracting crowds of customers by his unique displays,
a man foolishly fails to give them a full equivalent for
their money, they never patronize him a second time,
but they very properly denounce him as a swindler, a
cheat, an impostor ; they do not, however, call
him a " humbug." He fails, not because he advertises
his wares in an outre manner, but because, after at
tracting crowds of patrons, he stupidly and wickedly
cheats them.
When the great blacking-maker of London dispatch
ed his agent to Egypt to write on the pyramids of
Ghiza, in huge letters, " Buy Warren s Blacking,
30 Strand, London," he was not " cheating" travelers
upon the Nile. His blacking was really a superior arti
cle, and well worth the price charged for it, but he was
" humbugging " the public by this queer way of arrest
ing attention. It turned out just as he anticipated,
that English travelers in that part of Egypt were indig
nant at this desecration, and they wrote back to the
London Times (every Englishman writes or threatens
to " write to the Times," if anything goes wrong,) de
nouncing the " Goth " who had thus disfigured these
ancient pyramids by writing on them in monstrous
22 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
letters : " Buy Warren s Blacking, 30 Strand, London."
The Times published these letters, and backed them up
by several of those awful, grand and dictatorial editori
als peculiar to the great " Thunderer," in which the
blacking-maker, " Warren, 30 Strand," was stigma
tized as a man who had no respect for the ancient pa
triarchs, and it was hinted that he would probably not
hesitate to sell his blacking on the sarcophagus of Pha
raoh, " or any other " mummy, if he could only
make money by it. In fact, to cap the climax, Warren
was denounced as a " humbug." These .indignant ar
ticles were copied into all the Provincial journals, and
very soon, in this manner, the columns of every news
paper in Great Britain were teeming with this advice :
" Try Warren s Blacking, 30 Strand, London." The
curiosity of the public was thus aroused, and they did
" try " it, and finding it a superior article, they contin
ued to purchase it and recommend it to their friends,
and Warren made a fortune by it. He always attribu
ted his success to his having " humbugged " the public
by this unique method of advertising his blacking in
Egypt ! But Warren did not cheat his customers, nor
practice " an imposition under fair pretences." He_vva
a humbug, but he was an honest upright man, and no
one called him an impostor or a cheat.
When the tickets for Jenny Lind s first concert in
America were sold at auction, several business-men, as
piring to notoriety, " bid high " for the first ticket. It
was finally knocked down to " Genin, the hatter," for
$225. The journals in Portland (Maine) and Houston
(Texas,) and all other journals throughout the United
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 23
States, between these two cities, which were connected
with the telegraph, announced the fact in their columns
the next morning. Probably two millions of readers
read the announcement, and asked, " Who is Genin,
the hatter? " Genin became famous in a day. Every
man involuntarily examined his hat, to see if it was
made by Genin ; and an Iowa editor declared that one
of his neighbors discovered the name of Genin in his
old hat and immediately announced the fact to his
neighbors in front of the Post Office. It was suggest
ed that the old hat should be sold at auction. It was
done then and there, and the Genin hat sold for four
teen dollars ! Gentlemen from city and country rush
ed to Genin s store to buy their hats, many of them
willing to pay even an extra dollar, if necessary, pro
vided they could get a glimpse of Genin himself. This
singular freak put thousands of dollars into the pocket
of " Genin, the hatter," and yet I never heard it
charged that he made poor hats, or that he would be
guilty of an " imposition under fair pretences." On
the contrary, he is a gentleman of probity, and of the
first respectability.
When the laying of the Atlantic Telegraph was nearly
completed, I was in Liverpool. I offered the company
one thousand pounds sterling ($5,000) for the privi
lege of sending the first twenty words over the cable to
my Museum in New York not that there was any in
trinsic merit in the words, but that I fancied there was
more than $5,000 worth of notoriety in the operation.
But Queen Victoria and " Old Buck " were ahead of
me. Their messages had the preference, and I was
compelled to " take a back seat. *
24 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
By thus illustrating what I believe the public will
concede to be the sense in which the word " humbug "
O
is generally used and understood at the present time, in
this country as well as in England, I do not propose
that my letters on this subject shall be narrowed down
to that definition of the word. On the contrary, -I ex
pect to treat of various fallacies, delusions, and decep
tions in ancient and modern times, which, according to
Webster s definition, may be called "humbugs," inas
much as they were " impositions under fair pretences."
In writing of modern humbugs, however, I shall
sometimes have occasion to give the names of honest
and respectable parties now living, and I felt it but just
that the public should fully comprehend my doctrine,
that a man may, by common usage, be termed a " hum
bug," without by any means impeaching his integrity.
Speaking of " blacking-makers," reminds me that one
of the first sensationists in advertising whom I remem
ber to have seen, was Mr. Leonard Gosling, known as
" Monsieur Gosling, the great French blacking-maker."
He appeared in New York in 1830. He flashed like a
meteor across the horizon ; and before he had been in
the city three months, nearly everybody had heard of
" Gosling s Blacking." I well remember his magnifi
cent " four in hand." A splendid team of blood bays,
with long black tails, was managed with such dexterity
by Gosling himself, who was a great " whip," that they
almost seemed to fly. The carriage was emblazoned
with the words " Gosling s Blacking," in large gold
letters, and the whole turnout was so elaborately orna
mented and bedizened that everybody stopped and
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 25
gazed with wondering admiration. A bugle-player or
a band of music always accompanied the great Gosling,
and, of course, helped to attractt he public attention to
his establishment. At the turning of every street-
corner your eyes rested upon " Gosling s Blacking."
From every show-window gilded placards discoursed
eloquently of the merits of u Gosling s Blacking."
The newspapers teemed with poems written in its
praise, and showers of pictorial handbills, illustrated
almanacs, and tinseled souvenirs, all lauding the vir
tues of " Gosling s Blacking," smothered you at every
point.
The celebrated originator of delineations, " Jim
Crow Rice," made his first appearance at Hamblin s
Bowery Theatre at about this time. The crowds which
thronged there were so great that hundreds from the
audience were frequently admitted upon the stage. In
one of his scenes, Rice introduced a negro boot-blacking
establishment. Gosling was too " wide awake " to let
such an opportunity pass unimproved, and Rice was
paid for singing an original black Gosling ditty, while a
score of placards bearing the inscription, " Use Gos
ling s Blacking," were suspended at different points in
this negro boot polishing hall. Everybody tried " Gos
ling s Blacking ; " and as it was a really good article,
his sales in city and country soon became immense ;
Gosling made a fortune in seven years, and retired but,
as with thousands before him, it was " easy come easy
go." He engaged in a lead-mining speculation, and it
was generally understood that his fortune was, in a
great measure, lost as rapidly as it was made.
2
26 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Here let me digress, in order to observe that one of
the most difficult things in life is for men to bear dis
creetly sudden prosperity. Unless considerable time
and labor are devoted to earning money, it is not appre
ciated by its possessor ; and, having no practical knowl
edge of the value of money, he generally gets rid of it
with the same ease that marked its accumulation. Mr.
Astor gave the experience of thousands when he said
that he found more difficulty in earning and saving his
first thousand dollars than in accumulating all the sub
sequent millions which finally made up his fortune.
The very economy, perseverance, and discipline which
he was obliged to practice, as he gained his money dol
lar by dollar, gave him a just appreciation of its value,
and thus led him into those habits of industry, pru
dence, temperance, and untiring diligence so conducive
and necessary to his future success.
Mr. Gosling, however, was not a man to be put down
by a single financial reverse. He opened a store in
Canajoharie, N. Y., which was burned, and on which
there was no insurance. He came a^ain to New York
O
in 1839, and established a restaurant, where, by devot
ing the services of himself and several members of his
family assiduously to the business, he soon reveled in
his former prosperity, and snapped his fingers in glee
at what unreflecting persons term " the freaks of Dame
Fortune." He is still living in New York, hale and
heartj at the age of seventy. Although called a
" French " blacking-maker, Mr. Gosling is in reality a
Dutchman, having been born in the city of Amster
dam, Holland. He is the father of twenty-four child-
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 27
ren, twelve of whom are still living, to cheer him in
his declining years, and to repay him in grateful atten
tions for the valuable lessons of prudence, integrity,
and industry through the adoption of which they are
honored as respectable and worthy members of society.
I cannot however permit this chapter to close with
out recording a protest in principle against that method
of advertising of which Warren s on the Pyramid is an
instance. Not that it is a crime or even an immorality
in the usual sense of the words ; but it is a violent
offence against good taste, and a selfish and inexcusable
destruction .of other people s enjoyments. No man
ought to advertise in the midst of landscapes or scenery,
in such a way as to destroy or injure their beauty by
introducing totally incongruous and relatively vulgar
associations. Too many transactions of the sort have
been perpetrated in our own country. The principle
on which the thing is done is, to seek out the most at
tractive spot possible the wildest, the most lovely,
and there, in the most staring and brazen manner to
paint up advertisements of quack medicines, rum, or as
the case may be, in letters of monstrous size, in the
most obtrusive colors, in such a prominent place, and in
such a lasting way as to destroy the beauty of the
scene both thoroughly and permanently.
Any man with a beautiful wife or daughter would
probably feel disagreeably, if he should find branded in
delibly across her smooth white forehead, or on her
snowy shoulder in blue and red letters such a phrase as
this : " Try the Jigamaree Bitters ! " Very much like
this is the sort of advertising I am speaking of. It is
28 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD,
not likely that I shall be charged with squeamishness
on this question. I can readily enough see the selfish
ness and vulgarity of this particular sort of advertising,
however.
It is outrageously selfish to destroy the pleasure of
thousands, for the sake of a chance of additional gain.
And it is an atrocious piece of vulgarity to flaunt the
names of quack nostrums, and of the coarse stimulants
of sots, among the beautiful scenes of nature. The
pleasure of such places depends upon their freedom
from the associations of every day concerns and trou
bles and weaknesses. A lovely nook of forest scenery,
or a grand rock, like a beautiful woman, depends for
much of its attractiveness upon the attendant sense of
freedom from whatever is low ; upon a sense of purity
and of romance. And it is about as nauseous to find
" Bitters " or " Worm Syrup " daubed upon the land
scape, as it would be upon the lady s brow.
Since writing this I observe that two legislatures
those of New Hampshire and New York have passed
laws to prevent this dirty misdemeanor. It is greatly
to their credit, and it is in good season. For it is mat
ter of wonder that some more colossal vulgarian has
not stuck up a sign a mile long on the Palisades. But
it is matter of thankfulness too. At the White Moun
tains, many grand and beautiful views have been
spoiled by these nostrum and bedbug souled fellows.
It is worth noticing that the chief haunts of the city
of New York, the Central Park, has thus far remained
unviolated by the dirty hands of these vulgar adver
tisers. Without knowing anything about it, I have
. PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 29
no doubt whatever that the commissioners have been
approached often by parties desiring the privilege of
advertising within its limits. Among the advertising
fraternity it would be thought a gigantic opportunity to
be able to flaunt the name of some bug-poison, fly-
killer, bowel-rectifier, or disguised rum, along the walls
of the Reservoir ; upon the delicate stone-work of the
Terrace, or the graceful lines of the Bow Bridge ; to
nail up a tin sign on every other tree, to stick one up
right in front of every seat ; to keep a gang of young
wretches thrusting pamphlet or handbill into every per
son s palm that enters the gate, to paint a vulgar sign
across every gray rock ; to cut quack words in ditch-
work in the smooth green turf of the mall or ball-
ground. I have no doubt that it is the peremptory de
cision and clear good taste of the Commissioners alone,
which have kept this last retreat of nature within our
crowded city from being long ago plastered and daubed
with placards, handbills, sign-boards and paint, from
side to side and from end to end, over turf, tree, rock,
wall, bridge, archway, building and all.
CHAPTER III.
MONSIEUR MANGIN, THE FRENCH HUMBUG.
One of the most original, unique, and successful hum
bugs of the present day was the late Monsieur Mangin,
the blacklead pencil maker of Paris. Few persons
who have visited the French capital within the last ten
30 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
or twelve years can have failed to have seen him, and
once seen he was not to be forgotten. While passing
through the public streets, there was nothing in his
personal appearance to distinguish him from any ordi
nary gentlemen. He drove a pair of bay horses, at
tached to an open carriage with two seats, the back
one always occupied by his valet. Sometimes he
would take up his stand in the Champs Elysees ; at
other times, near the column in the Place Vendome ;
but usually he was seen in the afternoon in the Place
de la Bastille, or the Place de la Madeleine. On Sun
days, his favorite locality was the Place de la Bourse.
Mangin was a well-formed, stately-looking individual,
with a most self-satisfied countenance, which seemed to
say : " I am master here ; and all that my auditors
have to do is, to listen and obey." Arriving at his des
tined stopping-place, his carriage halted. His servant
handed him a case from which he took several large
portraits of himselt, which he hung prominently upon
the sides of his carriage, and also placed in front of him
a vase filled with medals bearing his likeness on one
side and a description of his pencils on the other. He
then leisurely commenced a change of costume. His
round hat was displaced by a magnificent burnished
helmet, mounted with rich plumes of various brilliant
colors. His overcoat was laid aside, and he donned in
its stead a costly velvet tunic with gold fringes. He
then drew a pair of polished steel gauntlets upon his
hands, covered his breast with a brilliant cuirass, and
placed a richly-mounted sword at his side. His ser
vant watched him closely, and upon receiving a sign
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 31
from his master, he too put on his official costume,
which consisted of a velvet robe and a helmet. The
servant then struck up a tune on the richly-toned or
gan which always formed a part of Mangin s outfit.
The grotesque appearance of these individuals, and the
music, soon drew together an admiring crowd.
Then the great charlatan stood upon his feet. His
manner was calm, dignified, imposing, indeed almost
solemn, for his face was as serious as that of the chief
mourner at a funeral. His sharp, intelligent eye scru
tinized the throng which was pressing around his car
riage, until it rested apparently upon some particular
individual, when he gave a start ; then, with a dark,
angry expression, as if the sight w r as repulsive, he ab
ruptly dropped the visor of his helmet and thus cov
ered his face from the gaze of the anxious crowd.
This bit of coquetry produced the desired effect in
whetting the appetite of the multitude, who were im
patiently waiting to hear him speak. When he had
carried this kind of by-play as far as he thought the
audience would bear it, he raised his hand, and his ser
vant understanding the sign, stopped the organ. Man-
gin then rang a small bell, stepped forward to the front
of the carriage, gave a slight cough indicative of a
preparation to speak, opened his mouth, but instantly
giving a more fearful start and assuming a more sudden
frown than before, he took his seat as if quite overcome
by some unpleasant object which his eyes had rested
upon. Thus far he had not spoken a word. At last
the prelude ended, and the comedy commenced. Step
ping forward again to the front of his carriage where
32 HUMBUGS OF THE WOULD.
all the gaping crowd could catch every word, he ex
claimed :
* Gentlemen, you look astonished ! You seem to
wonder and ask yourselves who is this modern Quix-
otte. What mean this costume of by-gone centuries
this golden chariot these richly caparisoned steeds?
What is the name and purpose of this curious knight-
errant? Gentlemen, I will condescend to answer your
queries. I am Monsieur Mangin, the great charlatan
of France ! Yes, gentlemen, I am a charlatan a
mountebank ; it is my profession, not from choice, but
from necessity. You, gentlemen, created that necessi
ty I You would not patronize true, unpretending,
honest merit, but you are attracted by my glittering
casque, my sweeping crest, my waving plumes. You
are captivated by din and glitter, and therein lies my
strength. Years ago, I hired a modest shop in the
Rue Rivoli, but I could not sell pencils enough to pay
my rent, whereas, by assuming this disguise it is
nothing else I have succeeded in attracting general
attention, and in selling literally millions of my pen
cils ; and I assure you there is at this moment scarcely
an artist in France 9r in Great Britian who don t know
that I manufacture by far the best blacklead pencils
ever seen."
And this assertion was indeed true. His pencils
were everywhere acknowledged to be superior to any
other.
While he was thus addressing his audience, he would
take a blank card, and with one of his pencils would pre
tend to be drawing the portrait of some man standing
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 33
near him ; then showing his picture to the crowd, it
proved to be the head of a donkey, which, of course,
produced roars of laughter.
" There, do you see what wonderful pencils these
are ? Did you ever behold a more striking likeness ? "
/ O
A hearty laugh would be sure to follow, and then he
would exclaim : " Now who will have the first pencil
only five sous." One would buy, and then another ; a
third and a fourth would follow ; and with the delivery
of each pencil he would rattle off a string of witti
cisms which kept his patrons in capital good-humor ;
and frequently he would sell from two hundred to five
hundred pencils in immediate succession. Then he
would drop down in his carriage for a few minutes and
wipe the perspiration from his face, while his servant
played another overture on the organ. This gave his
purchasers a chance to withdraw, and afforded a good
opportunity for a fresh audience to congregate. Then
would follow- a repetition of his previous sales, and in
this way he \vould continue for hours. To those dis
posed to have a souvenir of the great humbug he would
sell six pencils, a medal and a photograph of himself
for a franc (twenty cents.) After taking a rest he
would commence a new speech.
" When I was modestly dressed, like any of my
hearers, I was half starved. Punch and his bells
would attract crowds, but my good pencils attracted
nobody. I imitated Punch and his bells, and now I
have two hundred depots in Paris. I dine at the best
cafe s, drink the best wine, live on the best of every
thing, while my defamers get poor and lank, as they
2*
34 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
deserve to be. Who are my defamers ? Envious
swindlers I Men who try to ape me, but are too stupid
and too dishonest to succeed. They endeavor to at
tract notice as mountebanks, and then foist upon the
public worthless trash, and hope thus to succeed. Ah !
defamers of mine, you are fools as well as knaves.
Fools, to think that any man can succeed by systemat
ically and persistently cheating the public. Knaves,
for desiring the public s money without giving them an
equivalent. I am an honest man. I have no bad hab
its ; and I now declare, if any trader, inventor, manu
facturer, or philanthropist will show me better pencils
than mine, I will give him l,000f. no, not to him,
for I abhor betting but. to the poor of the Thirty-
first Arrondissement, where "I live."
Mangin s harangues were always accompanied by a
peculiar play of feature and of voice, and with unique
and original gestures, which seemed to excite and cap
tivate his audience.
About seven years ago, I met him in one of the
principal restaurants in the Palais Royale. A mutual
friend introduced me.
u Ah ! " said he, " Monsieur Barnum, I am delight
ed to see you. I have read your book with infinite
satisfaction. It has been published here in numerous
editions. I see you have the right idea of things.
Your motto is a good one we study to please. I
have much wanted to visit America ; but I cannot
speak English, so I must remain in my dear belle
France."
I remarked that I had often seen him in public, and
bought his pencils,
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 35
" Aha ! you never saw better pencils. You know I
could never maintain my reputation if I sold poor pen
cils. But sacre bleu, my miserable would-be imitators
do not know our grand secret. First, attract the pub
lic by din and tinsel, by brilliant sky-rockets and Ben-
ola lights, then give them as much as possible for
their money."
"You are very happy," I replied, "in your manner
of attracting the public. Your costume is elegant,
your chariot is superb, and your valet and music are
sure to draw."
" Thank you for your compliment, Mr. B., but I
have not forgotten your Buffalo-hunt, your Mermaid,
nor your Woolly Horse. They were a good offset to
my rich helmet and sword, my burnished gauntlets. and
gaudy cuirass. Both are intended as advertisements
of something genuine, and both answer the purpose."
After comparing notes in this way for an hour, we
parted, and his last words were :
" Mr. B., I have got a grand humbug in my head,
which I shall put in practice within a year, and it shall
double the sale of my pencils. Don t ask me what it
is, but within one year you shall see it for yourself, and
you shall acknowledge Monsieur Mangin knows some
thing of human nature. My idea is magnifique, but it
is one grand secret."
I confess my curiosity was somewhat excited, and I
hoped that Monsieur Mangin would " add another
wrinkle to my horns." But, poor fellow ! within four
months after I bade him adieu, the Paris newspapers
announced his sudden death. They added that he had
36 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
left two hundred thousand francs, which he had given
in his will to charitable objects. The announcement
was copied into nearly all the papers on the Continent
and in Great Britain^ for almost everybody had seen
or heard of the eccentric pencil maker.
His death caused many an honest sigh, and his ab
sence seemed to cast a gloom over several of his favor
ite halting-places. The Parisians really loved him, and
were proud of his genius.
" Well," people in Paris would remark, " Man gin
was a clever fellow. He was shrewd, and possessed a
thorough knowledge of the world. He was a gentle
man and a man of intelligence, extremely agreeable
and witty. His habits were good ; he was charitable.
He never cheated anybody. He always sold a good
article, and no person who purchased from him had
cause to complain."
I confess I felt somewhat chagrined that the Mon
sieur had thus suddenly taken " French leave " with
out imparting to me the " grand secret " by which he
was to double the sales of his pencils. But I had not
long to mourn on that account ; for after Monsieur
Mangin had been for six months as they say of
John Brown " mouldering in his grave " judge of
the astonishment and delight of all Paris at his re
appearance in his native city in precisely the same cos
tume and carriage as formerly, and heralded by the
same servant and organ that had always attended him.
It now turned out that Monsieur Mangin had lived in
the most rigid seclusion for half a year, and that the
extensively-circulated announcements of his sudden
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 37
death had been made by himself, merely as an " adver
tising dodge " to bring him still more into notice, and
give the public something to talk about. I met Man-
o-in in Paris soon after this event.
O
" Aha, Monsieur Barnum ! " he exclaimed, " did I
not tell you I had a new humbug that would double
the sales of my pencils ? I assure you my sales are
more than quadrupled, and it is sometimes impossible
to have them manufactured fast enough to supply the
demand. You Yankees are very clever, but by gar,
none of you have discovered you should live all the
better if you would die. for six months. It took Man-
gin to teach you that."
The patronizing air with which he made this speech,
slapping me at the same time familiarly upon the back,
showed him in his true character of egotist. Although
good-natured and social to a degree, he was really one
of the most self-conceited men I ever met.
Monsieur Mangin died the present year, and it is
said that his heirs received more than half a million of
frances as the fruit of his eccentric labors.
CHAPTER IV.
James C. Adams, or " Grizzly Adams," as he was
generally termed, from the fact of his having captured
* Although the subject of the following sketch can hardly be classed
under the head of " Humbugs," he was an original genius, and a
knowledge of some of his prominent traits seems appropriate in con
nection Avith one or two other passages of this book.
38 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
so many grizzly bears, and encountered such fearful
perils by his unexampled daring, was an extraordinary
character. For many years a hunter and trapper in
the Rocky and Sierra Nevada Mountains, he acquired
a recklessness which, added to his natural invincible
courage, rendered him truly one of the most striking
men of the age. He was emphatically what the Eng
lish call a man of u pluck." In 1860, he arrived in
New York with his famous collection of California ani
mals, captured by himself, consisting of twenty or thir
ty immense grizzly bears, at the head of which stood
"Old Sampson" now in the American Museum
wolves, half a dozen other species "of bear, California
lions, tigers, buffalo, elk, etc., and Old Neptune, the
great sea-lion, from the Pacific.
Old Adams had trained all these monsters so that
with him they were as docile as kittens, while many of
the most ferocious among them would attack a stranger
without hesitation, if he came within their grasp. In
fact, the training of these animals was no fool s play,
as Old Adams learned to his cost ; for the terrific blows
which he received from time to time, while teaching
them " docility," finally cost him his life.
When Adams and his other wild beasts (for he was
nearly as wild as any of them) arrived in New York,
he called immediately at the Museum. He was dress
ed in his hunter s suit of buckskin, trimmed with the
skins and bordered with the hanging tails of small Rocky
Mountain animaks ; his cap consisting of the skin of a
wolf s head and shoulders, from which depended several
tails as natural as life, and under which appeared his
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 39
stiff bushy gray hair and his long white grizzly beard.
In fact, Old Adams was quite as much of a show as
his bears. They had come around Cape Horn on the
clipper-ship Golden Fleece, and a sea-voyage of three
and a half months had probably not added much to the
beauty or neat appearance of the old bear-hunter.
During our conversation, Grizzly Adams took off his
cap, and showed me the top of his head. His skull
was literally broken in. It had on various occasions
been struck by the fearful paws of his grizzly students ;
and the last blow, from the bear called "General Fre
mont," had laid open his brain, so that its workings
were plainly visible. I remarked that I thought that
was a dangerous wound, and might possibly prove fatal.
"Yes," replied Adams, "that will fix me out. It
had nearly healed ; but old Fremont opened it for me,
for the third or fourth time, before I left California,
and he did his business so thoroughly, I m a used-up
man. However, I reckon I may live six months or a
year yet."
This was spoken as coolly as if he had been talking
about the life of a doo-.
&
The immediate object of " Old Adams" in calling
upon me was this. I had purchased one-half interest
in his California menagerie from a man who had come
by way of the Isthmus from California, and who claim
ed to own an equal interest with Adams in the show.
Adams declared that the man had only advanced hiui
some money, and did not possess the right to sell half
of the concern. However, the man held a bill of sale
for one-half of the " California Menagrie," and Old
40 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Adams finally consented to accept me as an equal part
ner in the speculation, saying that he guessed I could
do the managing part, and he would show up the ani
mals. I obtained a canvas tent, and erecting it on the
present site of Wallack s Theatre, Adams there open
ed his novel California Menagerie. On the mornino-
O T)
of opening, a band of music preceded a procession of
animal-cages, down Broadway and up the Bowery;
Old Adams dressed in his hunting costume, heading the
line, with a platform-wagon on which were placed three
immense grizzly bears, two of which he held by chains,
while he was mounted on the back of the largest griz
zly, which stood in the centre, and was not secured in
any manner whatever. This was the bear known as
" General Fremont ; " and so docile had he become that
Adams said he had used him as a packbear to carry his
cooking and hunting apparatus through the mountains
for six months, and had ridden him hundreds of miles.
But apparently docile as were many of these animals,
there was not one among them that would not occa-
O
sionally give even Adams a sly blow or a sly bite when
a good chance offered ; hence Old Adams was but a
wreck of his former self, and expressed pretty nearly
the truth when he said :
" Mr. Barnum, I am not the man I was five years
ago. Then I felt able to stand the hug of any grizzly
living, and was always glad to encounter, single-hand
ed, any sort of an animal that dared present himself.
But I have been beaten to a jelly, torn almost limb
from limb, and nearly chawed up and spit out by these
treacherous grizzly bears. However, I am good for a
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 41
few months yet, and by that time I hope we shall gain
enough to make my old woman comfortable, for I have
been absent from her some years."
His wife came from Massachusetts to New York, and
nursed him. Dr. Johns dressed his wounds every day,
and not only told Adams he could never recover, but
assured his friends that probably a very few weeks
would lay him in his grave.
But Adams was as firm as adamant and as resolute
as a lion. Amono; the thousands who saw him dressed
O
in his grotesque hunter s suit, and witnessed the appar
ent vigor with which he " performed " the savage mon
sters, beating and whipping them into apparently the
most perfect docility, probably not one suspected that
this rough, fierce-looking, powerful demi-savage, as he
appeared to be, was suffering intense pain from his
broken skull and fevered system, and that nothing kept
him from stretchino- himself on his deathbed but that
O
most indomitable and extraordinary will of his.
After the exhibition had been open six weeks, the
Doctor insisted that Adams should sell out his share in
the animals and settle up all his worldly affairs ; for he*
assured him that he was growing weaker every day,
and his earthly existence must soon terminate.
" I shall live a good deal longer than you doctors
think for," replied Adams, doggedly ; and then, seem
ing after all to realize the truth of the Doctor s asser
tion, he turned tome and said: " Well, Mr. B., you
must buy me out. " He named his price for his half
of the " show," and I accepted his offer . We had ar
ranged to exhibit the bears in Connecticut and Massa-
42 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
chusetts during the summer, in connection with a cir
cus, and Adams insisted that I should hire him to travel
for the summer, and exhibit the bears in their curious
performances. He offered to go for $60 per week and
traveling expenses of himself and wife.
I replied that I would gladly engage him as long as
he could stand it, but I advised him to give up business
and go to his home in Massachusetts ; " for," I remark
ed, " you are growing weaker every day, and at best
cannot stand it more than a fortnight."
<7)
" What will you give me extra if I will travel and
exhibit the bears every day for ten weeks ? " asked old
Adams, eagerly.
" Five hundred dollars," I replied, with a laugh.
" Done ! " exclaimed Adams. " I will do it ; so
draw up an agreement to that effect at once. But mind
you, draw it payable to my wife, for I may be too weak
to attend to business after the ten weeks are up, and if
I perform my part of the contract, I want her to get
the $500 without any trouble."
I drew up a contract to pay him $60 per week for
his services, and if he continued to exhibit the bears
for ten consecutive weeks I was then to hand him, or
his wife $500 extra.
" You have lost your $500 ! " exclaimed Adams on
taking the contract ; " for I am bound to live and earn
it."
" I hope you may, with all my heart, and a hundred
years more if you desire it," I replied.
" Call me a fool if I don t earn the $500 ! " exclaim
ed Adams, with a triumphant laugh.
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 43
The " show" started off in a few days, and at the
end of a fortnight I met it at Hartford, Connecticut.
" Well," says I, " Adams, you seem to stand it pret
ty well. I hope you and your wife are comfortable ? "
" Yes," he replied, with a laugh ; " and you may as
well try to be comfortable too, for your $500 is a
goner."
" All right," I replied ; " I hope you will grow bet
ter every day."
But I saw by his pale face, and other indications,
that he was rapidly failing.
In three weeks more, I met him again at New Bed
ford, Mass. It seemed to me, then, that he could not
live a week, for his eyes were glassy and his hands
trembled, but his pluck was great as ever.
" This hot weather is pretty bad for me," he said,
" but my ten weeks are half expired, and I am good
for your $500, and, probably, a month or two longer."
This was said with as much bravado as if he was
offering to bet upon a horse-race. I offered to pay him
half of the $500 if he would give up and go home ;
but he peremptorily declined making any compromise
whatever.
I met him the ninth week in Boston. He had failed
considerably since I last saw him, but he still continued
to exhibit the bears and chuckled over his almost cer
tain triumph. I laughed in return, and sincerely con
gratulated him on his nerve and probable success. I
remained with him until the tenth week was finished,
and handed him his $500. He took it with a leer of
satisfaction, and remarked, that he was sorry I was a
teetotaller, for he would like to stand treat !
44 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Just before the menagerie left New York, I had paid
$150 for a new hunting-suit, made of beaver-skins sim
ilar to the one which Adams had worn. This I in-
t tended for Herr Driesbach, the animal-tamer, who was
engaged by me to take the place of Adams whenever
he should be compelled to give up.
Adams, on starting from New York, asked me to
loan this new dress to him to perform in once in a while
in a fair day when we had a large audience, for his own
costume was considerably soiled. I did so, and now
when I handed him his $500 he remarked :
" Mr. B., I suppose you are going to give me this
new hunting-dress."
" Oh no," I replied. " I got that for your successor,
who will exhibit the bears to-morrow ; besides, you
have no possible use for it."
" Now, don t be mean, but lend me the dress, if you
won t give it to me, for I want to wear it home to my
native village."
I could not refuse the poor old man anything, and I
therefore replied :
" Well, Adams, I will lend you the dress ; but you
will send it back to me."
" Yes, when I have done with it," he replied, with
an evident chuckle of triumph.
I thought to myself, he will soon be done with it,
and replied :
" That s all right."
A new. idea evidently seized him, for, with a bright
ening look of satisfaction, he said :
" Now, Barnum, you have made a good thing out of
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 45
the California menagerie, and so have I ; but you will
make a heap more. So, if you won t give me this new
hunter s dress, just draw a little writing, and sign it,
saying that I may wear it until I have done with it."
Of course, 1 knew that in a few days at longest he
would be " done" with this world altogether, and, to
gratify him, I cheerfully drew and signed the paper.
" Come, old Yankee, I ve got you this time see if
I hain t ! " exclaimed Adams, with a broad grin, as he
took the paper.
I smiled, and said :
" All right, my dear fellow ; the longer you live, the
better I shall like it."
We parted, and he went to Neponset, a small town
near Boston, where his wife and daughter lived. He
took at once to his bed, and never rose from it again.
The excitement had passed away, and his vital energies
could accomplish no more.
The fifth day after arriving home, the physician told
him he could not live until the next morning. He re
ceived the announcement in perfect calmness, and with
the most apparent indifference ; then, turning to his
wife, with a smile, he requested her to have him bur
ied in the new hunting suit.
" For," said he, " Barnum agreed to let me have it
until I have done with it, and I was determined to fix
his flint this time. He shall never see that dress again."
His wife assured him that his request should be com
plied with. He then sent for the clergyman, and thej
spent several hours in communing together.
Adams told the clergyman he had told some pretty
46 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
big stories about his bears, but he had always endeav
ored to do the straight thing between man and man.
" I have attended preaching every day, Sundavs and
all," said he, " for the last six years. Sometimes an
old grizzly gave me the sermon, sometimes it was a
panther ; often it was the thunder and lightning, the
tempest, or the hurricane on the peaks of the Sierra
Nevada, or in the gorges of the Rocky Mountains ;
but whatever preached to me, it always taught me the
majesty of the Creator, and revealed to me the undy
ing and unchanging love of our kind Father in heaven.
Although I am a pretty rough customer," continued
the dying man, " I fancy my heart is in about the right
place, and look with confidence to the blessed Saviour
for that rest which I so much need, and which I have
never enjoyed upon earth." He then desired the clergy
man to pray with him, after which he grasped him by the
hand, thanked him for his kindness, and bade him fare
well.
In another hour his spirit had taken its flight ; and
it was said by those present that his face lighted up
into a smile as the last breath escaped him, and that
smile he carried into his grave. Almost his last words
were : " Won t Barnum open his eyes when he finds I
have humbugged him by being buried in his new
hunting-dress ? " That dress was indeed the shroud
in which he was entombed.
And that was the last on earth of " Old Grizzly
Adams."
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 47
CHAPTER V.
THE GOLDEN PIGEONS GRIZZLY ADAMS GERMAN
CHEMIST HAPPr FAMILY FRENCH NATURALIST.
" Old Grizzly Adams " was quite candid when, in
his last hours, he confessed to the clergyman that he
had " told some pretty large stories about his bears."
In fact, these " large stories " were Adam s " besetting
sin." To hear him talk, one would suppose that he
had seen and handled everything ever read or heard of.
In fact, according to his story, California contained
specimens of all things, animate and inanimate, to be
found in any part of the globe. He talked glibly about
California lions, California tigers, California leopards,
California hyenas, California camels, and California
hippopotami. He furthermore declared he had, on one
occasion, seen a California elephant, " at a great dis
tance," but it was "very shy," and he would not per
mit himself to doubt that California giraffes existed
somewhere in the neighborhood of the " tall trees."
I was anxious to get a chance of exposing to Adams
his weak point, and of showing him the absurdity of
telling such ridiculous stories. A fit. occasion soon pre
sented itself. One day, while engaged in my office at
the Museum, a man with marked Teutonic features and
accent approached the door and asked if I would like
to buy a pair of living golden pigeons.
" Yes," I replied, " I would like a flock of 4 golden
48 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD,
pigeons/ if I could buy them for their weight in
silver ; for there are no golden pigeons in existence,
unless they are made from the pure metal."
" You shall see some golden pigeons alive," he re
plied, at the same time entering my office and closing
the door after him. He then removed the lid from a
small basket which he carried in his hand, and sure
enough there were snugly ensconced a pair of beauti
ful living ruff-necked pigeons, as yellow as saffron and
as bright as a double eagle fresh from the mint.
I confess I was somewhat staggered at this sight, and
quickly asked the man where those birds came from.
A dull, lazy smile crawled over the sober face of my
German visitor, as he replied in a slow, guttural tone
of voice :
" What you think yourself? "
Catching his meaning, I quickly answered :
" I think it is a humbug? "
" Of course, I know you will say so ; because you
4 forstha such things better as any man living, so I
shall not try to humbug you. I have color them my
self."
On further inquiry, I learned that this German was
a chemist, and that he possessed the art of coloring
birds any hue desired, and yet retain a natural gloss
on the feathers, which gave every shade the appearance
of reality.
" I can paint a green pigeon or a blue pigeon, a gray
pigeon or a black pigeon, a brown pigeon or a pigeon
half blue and half green," said the German ; " and if
you prefer it, I can paint them pink or purple, or give
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 49
you a little of each color, and make you a rainbow pi
geon."
The " rainbow pigeon " did not strike me as particu
larly desirable ; but, thinking here was a good chance
to catch " Grizzly Adams," I bought the pair of gold
en pigeons for ten dollars, and sent them up to the
" Happy Family," marked " Golden Pigeons from Cal
ifornia." Mr. Taylor the great pacificator, who has
charge of the Happy Family, soon came down in a state
of perspiration.
" Really, Mr* Barnum," said he, " I could not think
of putting those elegant golden pigeons into the Happy
Family they are too valuable a bird they might
get injured they are by far the most beautiful pig
eons I ever saw ; and as they are so rare, I would not
jeopardize their lives for anything."
" Well," I replied, " you may put them in a separate
cage, properly labeled."
Monsieur Guillaudeu, the naturalist and taxidermist
of the Museum, has been attached to that establishment
since the year it was founded, 1810. He is a French
man, and has read everything upon Natural History
that was ever published in his own or in the English
language. He is now seventy-five years old, but is
lively as a cricket, and takes as much interest in Natu
ral History as he ever did. When he saw the " golden
pigeons from California," he was considerably aston
ished ! He examined them with great delight for .half
an hour, expatiating upon their beautiful color, and the
near resemblance which every feature bore to the Amer-
8
50 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
lean ruff-neck pigeon. He soon came to my office and
said :
" Mr. B., these golden pigeons are superb, but they
cannot be from California. Audubon mentions no such
bird in his work upon American Ornithology."
I told him he had better take Audubon home with
him that night, and perhaps by studying him attentive
ly he would see occasion to change his mind.
The next day, the old naturalist called at my office
and remarked :
" Mr. B., those pigeons are a more rare bird than
you imagine. They are not mentioned by Linnasus,
Cuvier, Goldsmith, or any other writer on Natural His
tory, so far as I have been able to discover. I expect
they must have come from some unexplored portion of
Australia."
" Never mind," I replied, " we may get more light
on the subject, perhaps, before long. We will continue
to label them California Pigeons until we can fix
their nativity elsewhere."
The next morning, " Old Grizzly Adams." whos^
exhibition of bears was then open in Fourteenth street,
happened to be passing through the Museum, when his
eyes fell on the " Golden California Pigeons." He
looked a moment and doubtless admired. He soon
after came to my office.
" Mr. B," said he, " you must let me have those
California pigeons."
" I can t spare them," I replied.
" But you must spare them. All the birds and ani
mals from California ought to be together. You own
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 51
half of my California menagerie, and you must lend
me those pigeons."
" Mr. Adams, they are too rare and valuable a bird
to be hawked about in that manner ; besides, I expect
they will attract considerable attention here."
" Oh, don t be a fool," replied Adams. " Rare bird,
indeed ! Why, they are just as common in California
as any other pigeon ! I could have brought a hundred
of them from San Francisco, if I had thought of it."
" But why did you not think of it ? " I asked, with
a suppressed smile.
" Because they are so common there," said Adams.
" I did not think they would be any curiosity here. I
have eaten them in pigeon-pies hundreds of times, and
shot them by the thousand ! "
I was ready to burst with laughter to see how readi
ly Adams swallowed the bait, but maintaining the most
rigid gravity, I replied :
" Oh well, Mr. Adams, if they are really so common
in California, you had probably better take them, and
you may write over and have half a dozen pairs sent to
me for the Museum."
" All right," said Adams ; " I will send over to a f
friend in San Francisco, and you shall have them here
in a couple of months."
I told Adams that, for certain reasons, I would pre
fer to change the label so as to have it read : u Golden
Pigeons from Australia."
" Well, call them what you like," replied Adams ;
" I suppose they are probably about as plenty in Au
stralia as they are in California."
52 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
I fancied I could discover a sly smile lurking in the
eye of the old bear-hunter as he made this reply.
The pigeons were labeled as I suggested, and this is
how it happened that the Bridgeport non-believing lady,
mentioned in the next chapter, was so much attracted
as to solicit some of their eggs in order to perpetuate
the species in old Connecticut.
Six or eight weeks after this incident, I was in the
California Menagerie, and noticed that the " Golden
Pigeons " had assumed a frightfully mottled appearance.
Their feathers had grown out, and they were half
white. Adams had been so busy with his bears that he
had not noticed the change. I called him up to the
pigeon cage, and remarked :
" Mr. Adams, I fear you will lose your Golden
Pigeons ; they must be very sick ; I observe they are
turning quite pale ! "
Adams looked at them a moment with astonishment
then turning to me, and seeing that I could not suppress
a smile, he indignantly exclaimed :
" Blast the Golden Pigeons ! You had better take
them back to the Museum. You can t humbug me
with your painted pigeons ! "
This was too much, and " I laughed till I cried " to
witness the mixed look of astonishment and vexation
which marked the " grizzly " features of old Adams.
44 These Golden Pigeons," I remarked, " are very
common in California, I think I heard you say ?
When do you expect my half-dozen pairs will arrive ? "
" You go to thunder, you old humbug ! " replied
Adams, as he marched off indignantly, and soon disap
peared behind the cages of his grizzly bears.
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 53
From that time, Adams seemed to be more careful
about telling his large stories. Perhaps he was not
cured altogether of his habit, but he took particular
pains when making marvelous statements to have them
of such a nature that they could not be disproved so
easily as was that regarding the " Golden California
Pigeons."
CHAPTER VI.
THE WHALE, THE ANGEL FISH, AND THE GOLDEN
PIGEON.
If the fact could be definitely determined, I think it
would be discovered that in this " wide awake " coun
try there are more persons humbugged by believing too
little than too much. Many persons have such a hor
ror of being taken in, or such an elevated opinion of
their own acuteness, that they believe everything to be
a sham, and in this way are continually humbugging
themselves.
Several years since, I purchased a living white whale?
captured near Labrador, and succeeded in placing it,
" in good condition," in a large tank, fifty feet long,
and supplied with salt water, in the basement of the
American Museum. I was obliged to light the base
ment with gas, and that frightened the sea-monster to
such an extent that he kept at the bottom of the tank,
except when he was compelled to stick his nose above
the surface in order to breathe or " blow," and then
54 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
down he would go again as quick as possible. Visitors
would sometimes stand for half an hour, watching
in vain to get a look at the whale ; for, although he
could remain under water only about two minutes at a
time, he would happen to appear in some unlocked fpr
quarter of the huge tank, and before they could all get
a chance to see him, he would be out of sight again.
Some impatient and incredulous persons after waiting
ten minutes, which seemed to them an hour, would
sometimes exclaim :
" Oh, humbug ! I don t believe there is a whale
here at all ! "
This incredulity often put me out of patience, and I
would say :
" Ladies and gentlemen, there is a living whale in
the tank. He is frightened by the gaslight and by vis-
tors ; but he is obliged to come to the surface every
two minutes, and if you will watch sharply, you will
see him. I am sorry we can t make him dance a horn
pipe and do all sorts of wonderful things at the word
of command ; but if you will exercise your patience a
few minutes longer, I assure you the whale will be seen
at considerably less trouble than it would be to go to
Labrador expressly for that purpose."
This would usually put my patrons in good humor ;
but I was myself often vexed at the persistent stub
bornness of the whale in not calmly floating on the sur
face for the gratification of my visitors.
One day, a sharp Yankee lady and her daughter?
from Connecticut, called at the Museum. I knew them
well ; and in answer to their inquiry for the locality of
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 55
the whale, I directed them to the basement. Half an
hour afterward, they called at my office, and the acute
mother, in a half-confidential, serio-comic whisper, said :
" Mr. B., it s astonishing to what a number of pur
poses the ingenuity of us Yankees has applied India"
rubber."
I asked her meaning, and was soon informed that
she was perfectly convinced that it was an india-rubber
whale, worked by steam and machinery, by means of
which he was made to rise to the surface at short inter
vals, and puff with the regularity of a pair of bellows.
From her earnest, confident manner, I saw it would be
useless to attempt to disabuse her mind on the subject.
I therefore very candidly acknowledged that she was
quite too sharp for me, and I must plead guilty to the
imposition ; but I begged her not to expose me, for I
assured her that she was the only person who had dis
covered the trick.
It was worth more than a dollar to see with what a
smile of satisfaction she received the assurance that no
body else was as shrewd as herself; and the patronizing
manner in which she bade me be perfectly tranquil, for
the secret should be considered by her as " strictly con
fidential," was decidedly rich. She evidently received
double her money s worth in the happy reflection that
she could not be humbugged, and % that I was terriblv
humiliated in being detected through her marvelous
powers of discrimination ! I occasionally meet the
good lady, and always try to look a little sheepish, but
she invariably assures me that she has never divulged
my secret and never will !
56 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
On another occasion, a lady equally shrewd, who
lives neighbor to me in Connecticut, after regarding for
a few minutes the " Golden Angel Fish " swimming in
one of the Aquaria, abruptly addressed me with :
" You can t humbug me, Mr. Barnum ; that fish is
painted ! ".
" Nonsense ! " said I, with a laugh ; " the thing is
impossible ! "
" I don t care, I know it is painted ; it is as plain as
can be."
" But, my dear Mrs. H., paint would not adhere to
a fish while in the water ; and if it would, it would
kill him. Besides," I added, with an extra serious air,
" we never allow humbugging here ! "
" Oh, here is just the place to look for such things,"
she replied with a smile ; " and I must say I more than
half believe that Angel Fish is painted."
She was finally nearly convinced of her error, and
left. In the afternoon of the same day, I met her in
Old Adams California Menagerie. She knew that I
was part-proprietor of that establishment, and seeing
me in conversation with " Grizzly Adams," she came
up to me in some haste, and with her eyes glistening
with excitement, she said :
" O, Mr. B., I never saw anything so beautiful as
those elegant GoMen Pigeons from Australia. I
want you to secure some of their eggs for me, and let
my pigeons hatch them at home. I should prize them
beyond all measure."
" Oh, you don t want " Golden Australian Pigeons,"
I replied ; " they are painted."
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 57
" No, they are not painted/ said she, with a laugh,
" but I half think the Angel Fish is."
I could not control myself at the curious coincidence,
and I roared with laughter while I replied :
44 Now, Mrs. H., I never let a good joke be spoiled,
even if it serves to expose my own secrets. I assure
you, upon honor, that the Golden Australian Pigeons,
as they are labeled, are really painted ; and that in their
natural state they are nothing more nor less than the
common ruff-necked white American pigeons ! "
And it was a fact. How they happened to be ex
hibited under that auriferous disguise was owing to an
amusing circumstance, explained in another chapter.
Suffice it at present to say, that Mrs. H. to this day
" blushes to her eyebrows " whenever an allusion is
made to " Angel Fish " or " Golden Pigeons."
CHAPTER VII.
THE PHELABELPHIA ALDERMEN.
In the year 1842, a new style of advertising appear-
.ed in the newspapers and in handbills which arrested
public attention at once on account of its novelty. The
thing advertised was an article called " Pease s Hoar-
hound Candy ; " a very good specific for coughs and
colds. It was put up in twenty-five cent packages, and
was eventually sold wholesale and retail in enormous
quantities. Mr. Pease s system of advertising was one
3*
58 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
which, I believe, originated with him in this country, al
though many have practiced it since, but of course,
with less success for imitations seldom succeed. Mr.
Pease s plan was to seize upon the most prominent topic
of interest and general conversation, and discourse elo
quently upon that topic in fifty to a hundred lines of a
newspaper-column, then glide off gradually into a pan
egyric of " Pease s Hoarhound Candy." The conse
quence was, every reader was misled by the caption
and commencement of his article, and thousands of
persons had " Pease s Hoarhound Candy " in their
mouths long before they had seen it ! In fact, it was
next to impossible to take up a newspaper and attempt
to read the legitimate news of the day without stum
bling upon a package of Pease s Hoarhound Candy."
The reader would often feel vexed to find that, after
reading a quarter of a column of interesting news upon
the subject uppermost in his mind, he was trapped into
the perusal of one of Pease s hoarhound candy adver
tisements. Although inclined sometimes to throw down
the newspaper in disgust, he would generally laugh at
the talent displayed by Mr. Pease in thus captivating
and capturing the reader. The result of all this would
generally be, a trial of the candy on the first premoni
tory symptoms of a cough or influenza. The degree to
which this system of advertising has since been carried
has rendered it a bore and a nuisance. The usual re
sult of almost any great and original achievement is,
the production of a shoal of brainless imitators, who
are " neither useful nor ornamental."
In the same year that Pease s hoarhound candy ap-
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 59
peared upon the commercial and newspaper horizon, the
" Governor Dorr Rebellion " occurred in Rhode Island.
As many will remember, this rebellion caused a great
excitement throughout the country. Citizens of Rhode
Island took up arms against each other, and it was
feared by some that a bloody civil war would ensue.
At about this time a municipal election was to come
off in the city of Philadelphia. The two political par
ties were pretty equally divided there, and there were
some special causes why this was regarded as an unu
sually important election. Its near approach caused
more excitement in the " Quaker City " than had been
witnessed there since the preceding Presidential elec
tion. The party-leaders began to lay their plans early,
and the wire-pullers on both sides were unusually busy
in their vocation. At the head of the rabble upon
which one of the parties depended for many votes, was
a drunken and profane fellow, whom we will call Tom
Simmons. Tom was great at electioneering and stump-
spouting in bar-rooms and rum-caucuses, and his party
always looked to him, at each election, to stir up the
subterraneans "with a long pole" and a whiskey-
jug at the end of it.
The exciting election which was now to come off for
Mayor and Aldermen of the good city of Brotherly
Love soon brought several of the "ring" to Tom.
" Now, Tom," said the head wire-puller, " this is
going to be a close election, and we want you to spare
neither talent nor liquor in arousing up and bringing to
the polls every voter within your influence."
" Well, Squire," replied Tom carelessly, " I ve con-
60 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
eluded I won t bother myself with this lection it
don t pay ! "
" Don t pay ! " exclaimed the frightened politician.
" Why, Tom, are you not a true friend to your party ?
Haven t you always been on hand at the primary meet
ings, knocked down interlopers, and squelched every
man who talked about conscience, or who refused to
support regular nominations, and vote the entire clean
ticket straight through ? And as for pay, havn t you
always been supplied with money enough to treat all
doubtful voters, and in fact to float them up to the polls
in an ocean of whiskey ? I confess Tom, I am almost
petrified with astonishment at witnessing your present
indifference to the alarming crisis in which our country
and our party are involved, and which nothing on earth
can avert, except our success at the coming election."
" Oh, tell that to the marines," said Tom. " We
never yet had an election that there wasn t a crisis,
and yet, whichever party gained, we somehow managed
to live through it, crisis or no crisis. In fact, my curi
osity has got a little excited, and I would like to see
this * crisis that is such a bugaboo at every election ;
so trot out your crisis let us see how it looks. Be
sides, talking of pay, I acknowledge the whiskey, and
that is all. While I and my companions lifted you and
your companions into fat offices that enabled you to
roll in your carriages, and live on the fat of the land,
we got nothing or. at least, next to nothing all
we got was well we got drunk ! Now, Squire^
I will go for the other party this lection if you don t
give me an office."
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 61
" Give you an office ! " exclaimed the " Squire,"
raising his hands and rolling his eyes in utter amaze
ment ; " why, Tom, what office do you want ? "
" I want to be Alderman ! " replied Tom, u and I
can control votes enough to turn the lection either
G>
way ; and if our party don t gratefully remember my
past services and give me my reward, t other party will
be glad to run me on their ticket, and over I go."
The gentleman of the " ring " saw by Tom s firm
ness and clenched teeth that he was immovable ; that
his principles, like those of too many others, consisted
of " loaves and fishes ; " they therefore consented to
put Tom s name on the municipal ticket ; and the worst
part of the story is, he was elected.
In a very short time, Tom was duly installed into the
Aldermanic chair, and, opening his office on a promi
nent corner, he was soon doing a thriving business.
He was generally occupied throughout the day in sit
ting as a judge in cases of book debt and promissory
notes which were brought before him, for various small
sums ranging from two to five, six, eight, and ten dol
lars. He would frequently dispose of thirty or forty of
these cases in a day, and as imprisonment for debt was
permitted at that time, the poor defendants would
" shin " around and make any sacrifice almost, rather
than go to jail. The enormous " costs " went into the
capacious pocket of the Alderman ; and this dignitary,
as a natural sequence, " waxed fat " and saucy, ex
emplifying the truth of the adage " Put a beggar on
horseback," etc.
As the Alderman grew rich, he became overbearing,
62 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
headstrong, and dictatorial. He began to fancy that he
monopolized the concentrated wisdom of his party, and
that his word should be law. Not a party-caucus or ;i
political meeting could be held without witnessing the
vulgar and profane harangues of the self-conceited
Alderman, Tom Simmons. As he was one of the
" ring," his fingers were in all the " pickings and steal
ings ;" he kept his family-coach, and in his general
swagger exhibited all the peculiarities of " high life be
low stairs."
But after Tom had disgraced his office for two years?
a State election took place and the other party were
successful. Among the first laws which they passed
after the convening of the Legislature, was one declar
ing that from that date imprisonment for debt should
not be permitted in the State of Pennsylvania for any
sum less than ten dollars.
This enactment, of course, knocked away the chief
prop which sustained the Alderman, and when the
news of its passage reached Philadelphia, Tom was the
most indignant man that had been seen there for some
o
years.
Standing in front of his office the next morning, sur
rounded by several of his political chums, Tom ex
claimed :
44 Do you see what them infernal tories have done
down there at Harrisburg ? They have been and
passed an outrageous, oppressive, barbarous, and uncon
stitutional law ! A pretty idea, indeed, if a man can t
put a debtor in jail for a less sum than ten dollars !
How am I going to support my family, I should like
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 63
to know, if this law is allowed to stand ? I tell you,
gentlemen, this law is unconstitutional, and you will see
blood running in our streets, if them tory scoundrels
try to carry it out ! "
His friends laughed, for they saw that Tom was rea
soning from his pocket instead of his head ; and, as he
almost foamed at the mouth in his impotent wrath
they could not suppress a smile.
" Oh, you may laugh, gentlemen you may laugh ;
but you will see it. Our party will never disgrace
itself a permitting the tories to rob them of their
rights by passing unconstitutional laws ; and I say, the
sooner we come to blood, the better ! "
At this moment, a gentleman stepped up, and ad
dressing the Alderman, said :
" Alderman, I want to bring a case of book debt be
fore you this morning."
" How much is your claim ? " asked Tom.
44 Four dollars," replied the rumseller for such he
proved to be and his debt was for drinks chalked up
against one of his " customers."
" You can t have your four dollars, Sir," replied the
excited Alderman. u You are robbed of your four dol
lars, Sir. Them legislative tories at Harrisburg, Sir,
have cheated you out of your four dollars, Sir. I un
dertake to say, Sir, that fifty thousand honest men in
Philadelphia have been robbed of their four dollars by
these bloody tories and their cursed unconstitutional
Jaw ! Ah, gentlemen, you will see blood running in
our streets before you are a month older. (A laugh.)
Oh, you may laugh ; but you will see it see if you
don t ! "
64 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
A newsboy was just passing by.
" Here, boy, give me the Morning Ledger," said the
Alderman, at the same time taking the paper and hand
ing the boy a penny. " Let us see what them blasted
cowboys are doing down at Harrisburg nqw^ Ah !
what is this ? " (Reading :) " 4 Blood, blood, blood !
Aha! laugh, will you, gentlemen? Here it is."
Reads :
" * Blood, blood, blood ! The Dorrites have got possession of Provi
dence. The military are called out. Father is arrayed against father,
and son against son. Blood is already running in our streets.
" Now laugh, will you, gentlemen ? Blood is run
ning in the streets of Providence ; blood will be run
ning in the streets of Philadelphia before you are a
fortnight older ! The tories of Providence and the
o
tories of Harrisburg must answer for this blood, for
they and their unconstitutional proceedings are the cause
of its flowing ! Let us see the rest of this tragic scene.
Reads :
" Is there any remedy for this dreadful state of things ? "
ALDERMAN. " Of course not, except to hang every
rascal of them for trampling on our g-1-orious Consti
tution." Reads :
" Is there any remedy for this dreadful state of things? Yes,
there is. "
ALDERMAN. " Oh, there is, is there ? What is it ?
Let me see." Reads :
" Buy two packages of Pease s hoarhound candy. "
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 65
" Blast the infernal Ledger ! " exclaimed the now
doubly incensed and indignant Alderman, throwing the
paper upon the pavement with the most ineffable dis
gust, amid the shouts and hurrahs of a score of men
who by this time had gathered around the excited
Alderman Tom Simmons.
As I before remarked, the " candy " was a very good
article for the purposes for which it was made ; and as
Pease was an indefatigable man, as well as a good ad
vertiser, he soon acquired a fortune. Mr. Pease, Junior,
is now living in affluence in Brooklyn, and is bringing
up a " happy family " to enjoy the fruits of his indus
try, probity, good habits, and genius.
The " humbug " in this transaction, of course con
sisted solely in the manner of advertising. There was
no humbug or deception about the article manufactured-
CHAPTER VIII.
BRANDRETH S PILLS. MAGNIFICENT ADVERTISING.
POWER OF IMAGINATION.
In the year 1834, Dr. Benjamin Brandreth com
menced advertising in the city of New York, " Brand-
reth s Pills specially recommended to purify the blood.
His office consisted of a room about ten feet square, lo
cated in what was then known as the Sun building, an
edifice ten by forty feet, situated at the corner of Spruce
and Nassau streets, where the Tribune is now published*
His " factory " was at his residence in Hudson street.
66 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
He put up a large gilt sign over the Sun office, five or
six feet wide by the length of the building, which at
tracted much attention, as at that time it was probably
the largest sign in New York. Dr. Brandreth had
great faith in his pills, and I believe not without rea
son ; for multitudes of persons soon became convinced
of the truth of his assertions, that " all diseases arise
from impurity or imperfect circulation of the blood, and
by purgation with Brandreth s Pills all disease may be
cured."
But great and reasonable as might have been the
faith of Dr. Brandreth in the efficacy of his pills, his
faith in the potency of advertising them was equally
strong. Hence he commenced advertising largely in
the Sun newspaper paying at least $5,000 to that
paper alone, for his first year s advertisements. That
may not seem a large sum in these days, when parties
have been known to pay more than five thousand dol
lar for a single day s advertising in the leading jour
nals ; but, at the time J^randreth started, his was con
sidered the most liberal newspaper-advertising of the
day.
Advertising is to a genuine article what manure is to
land, it largely increases the product. Thousands
of persons may be reading your advertisement while
you are eating, or sleeping, or attending to your busi
ness; hence public attention is attracted, new cus
tomers come 10 you, and, if you render them a satisfac
tory equivalent for their money, they continue to pat
ronize you and recommend you to their friends.
At the commencement of his career, Dr. Brandreth
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 67
was indebted to Mr. Moses Y. Beach, proprietor of the
New York Sun, for encouragement and means of ad
vertising. But this very advertising soon caused his re
ceipts to be enormous. Although the pills were but
twenty-five cents per box, they were soon sold to such
a great extent, that tons of huge cases filled with the
" purely vegetable pill " were sent from the new and
extensive manufactory every week. As his business in
creased, so in the same ratio did he extend his adver
tising. The doctor engaged at one time a literary gen
tleman to attend, under the supervision of himself, sole
ly to the advertising department. Column upon col
umn of advertisements appeared in the newspapers, in
the shape of learned and scientific pathological disser
tations, the very reading of which would tempt a poor
mortal to rush for a box of Brandreth s Pills ; so evi
dent was it (according to the advertisement) that no
body ever had or ever would have " pure blood," until
from one to a dozen boxes of the pills had been taken
as "purifiers." The ingenuity displayed in concocting
these advertisements was superb, and was probably
hardly equaled by that required to concoct the pills.
No pain, ache, twinge, or other sensation, good, bad,
or indifferent, ever experienced by a member of the
human family, but was a most irrefragable evidence of
the impurity of the blood ; and it would have been
blasphemy to have denied the " self-evident " theory,
that u all diseases arise from impurity or imperfect cir
culation of the blood, and that by purgation with
Brandreth s Pills all disease may be cured."
The doctor claims that his grandfather first manu-
68 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
factured the pills in 1751. I suppose this may be true ;
at all events, no living man will be apt to testify to the
contrary. Here is an extract from one of Dr. Bran-
dretlvs early advertisements, which will give an idea
of his style :
What has been longest known has been most considered, and what
has been most considered is best understood.
"The life of the flesh is in the blood. Lev. xxii, 2.
" Bleeding reduces the vital powers; Brandreth s Pills increase them.
So in sickness never be bled, especially in Dizziness and Apoplexy, but
always use Brandreth s Pills.
" The laws of life are written upon the face of Nature. The Temp
est, Whirlwind, and Thunder-storm bring health from the Solitudes of
God. The Tides are the daily agitators and purifiers of the Mighty
World of Waters.
* What these Providential means are as purifiers of the Atmosphere
or Air, Brandreth s Pills are to man."
This splendid system of advertising, and the almost
reckless outlay which was required to keep it up, chal
lenged the admiration of the business community. In
the course of a few years, his office was enlarged ; and
still being too small, he took the store 241 Broadway,
and also opened a branch at 187 Hudson street. The
doctor continued to let his advertising keep pace with
his patronage ; and he was finally, in the year 1836,
compelled to remove his manufactory to Sing Sing,
where such perfectly incredible quantities of Bran
dreth s Pills have been manufactured and sold that it
would hardly be safe to give the statistics. Suffice it
to say, that the only " humbug " which I suspect in
connection with the pills was, the very harmless and
unobjectionable yet novel method of advertising them ;
PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 69
and as the doctor amassed a great fortune by their
manufacture, this very fact is prima facie evidence that
the pill was a valuable purgative.
A funny incident occurred to me in connection with
this great pill. In the year 1836, while I was trav
elling through the States of Alabama, Mississippi, and
Louisiana, I became convinced by reading .Doctor
Brandreth s advertisements that I needed his pills. In
deed, I there read the proof that every symptom that I
experienced, either in imagination or in reality, ren
dered their extensive consumption absolutely necessary
to preserve my life. I purchased a box of Brandreth s
Pills in Columbus, Miss. The effect was miraculous !
Of course, it was just what the advertisement told me
it would be. In Tuscaloosa, Alabama, I purchased
half a dozen boxes. They were all used up before my
perambulating show reached Vicksburg, Miss., and I
was a confirmed disciple of the blood theory. There I
laid in a dozen boxes. In Natchez, I made a similar
purchase. In New Orleans, where I remained several
months, I was a profitable customer, and had become
thoroughly convinced that the only real u greenhorns "
.in the world were those who preferred meat or bread to
Brandreth s Pills. I took them morning, noon, and
night. In fact, the advertisements announced that one
could not take too many ; for if one box was sufficient
to purify the blood, eleven extra boxes would have no
injurious effect.
I arrived in New York in June 1838, and by that
time I had become such a firm believer in the efficacy
of Brandreth s Pills, that I hardly stopped long enough
70 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
to speak with my family, before I hastened to the
" principal office " of Doctor Brandreth to congratu
late him on being the greatest public benefactor of the
age.
I found the doctor " at home," and introduced my
self without ceremony. I told him my experiences.
He was delighted. I next heartily indorsed every word
stated in his advertisements. He was not surprised, for
he knew the effects of his pills were such as I described.
Still he was elated in having another witness whose ex
tensive experiments with his pills were so eminently
satisfactory. The doctor and myself were both happy
he in being able to do so much good to mankind ; I in
being the recipient of such untold benefits through his
valuable discovery.
At last, the doctor chanced to say that he wondered
how I happened to get his pills in Natchez, " for," said
he, " I have no agent there as yet."
" Oh ! " I replied, " I always bought my pills at the
drug stores."
" Good Heavens ! " exclaimed the doctor, " then
they are were all counterfeits ! vile impositions ! poison
ous compounds ! I never sell a pill to a druggist I
never permit an apothecary to handle one of my pills.
But they counterfeit them by the bushel ; the unprin
cipled, heartless, murderous impostors ! :
I need not say I was surprised. Was^Jj^ possible,
then, that my imagination^ had done all tljis business,
and that I had been cured by poisons which I supposed
were Brandreth s Pill ? I confess I laughed heartily ;
and told the doctor that, after all, it seemed the conn-
* PERSONAL REMINISCENCES. 71
terfeits were as good as the real pills, provided the pa
tient had sufficient faith.
ThcTcfoctor was puzzled as well as vexed, but an idea
struck him that soon enabled him to recover his usual
equanimity.
" I ll tell you what it is," said he, " those Southern
druggists have undoubtedly obtained the pills from me
under false pretences. They have pretended to be
planters, and have purchased pills from me in large
quantities for use on the plantations, and then they
have retailed the pills from their drug-shops."
I laughed at this shrewd suggestion, and remarked :
" This may be so, but I guess my imagination did the
business I "
The doctor was uneasy, but he asked me as a favor to
bring him one of the empty pill boxes which I had
brought from the South. The next day, I complied
with his request, and I will do the doctor justice to say
that, on comparison, it proved as he had suspected
the pills were genuine, and although he had advertised
that no druggist should sell them, they were so popular
that druggists found it necessary to get them * by hook
or by crook ; " and the consequence was, I had the
pleasure of a glorious laugh, and Doctor Brandreth ex
perienced " a great scare."
The doctor " made his pile " long ago, although he
still devotes his personal attention to the " entirely veg
etable and innocent pills, whose life-giving power no
pen can describe."
In 1849, the doctor was elected President of the
Village of Sing Sing, N. Y. (where he still resides,)
72 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
and was re-elected to the same office for seven consecu
tive years. In the same year, he was elected to the
New York State Senate, and in 1859 was again elected.
Dr. Brandreth is a liberal man and a pleasant, enter
taining, and edifying companion. He deserves all the
success he has ever received. " Long may he wave ! "
II. THE SPIRITUALISTS.
CHAPTER IX.
THE DAVENPORT BROTHERS, THEIR RISE AND PROG
RESS. SPIRITUAL ROPE-TYING. MUSIC PLAYING.
CABINET SECRETS. " THEY CHOOSE DARKNESS RATH
ER THAN LIGHT," ETC. THE SPIRITUAL HAND.
HOW THE THING IS DONE. DR. W. F. VAN VLECK.
The Davenport Brothers are natives of Buffalo, N. Y.,
and in that city commenced their career as " mediums "
about twelve years ago. They were then mere lads.
For some time, their operations were confined to their
own place, where, having obtained considerable noto
riety through the press, they were visited by people
from all parts of the country. But, in 1855, they were
induced by John F. Coles, a very worthy spiritualist of
New York City, to visit that metropolis, and there
exhibit their powers. Under the management of Mr.
Coles, they held " circles " afternoon and evening, for
several days, in a small hall at 195 Bowery. The au
dience were seated next the walls, the principal space
being required for the use of " the spirits." The
" manifestations " mostly consisted in the thrumming
and seemingly rapid movement about the hall of sever
al stringed instruments, the room having been made en
tirely dark, while the boys were supposed or asserted to
4
74 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
be quietly seated at the table in the centre. Two guitars,
with sometimes a banjo, were the instruments used, and
the noise made by " the spirits " was about equal to
the united honking of a large flock of wild geese.
The manifestations were stunning as well as astonish
ing ; for not only was the sense of hearing smitten by
the dreadful sounds, but, sometimes, a member of the
circle would get a " striking demonstration " over his
head !
At the request of the "controlling spirit," - made
through a horn, the hall was lighted at intervals during
the entertainment, at which times the mediums could be
seen seated at the table, looking very innocent and de
mure, as if they had never once thought of deceiving
anybody. On one of these occasions, however, a po
liceman suddenly lighted the hall by means of a dark
lantern, without having been specially called upon to
do so ; and the boys were clearly seen with instru
ments in their hands. They dropped them as soon as
they could, and resumed their seats at the table. Sat
isfied that the thing was a humbug, the audience left in
disgust ; and the policeman was about to march the
boys to the station-house on the charge of swindling,
when he was prevailed upon to remain and farther test
the matter. Left alone with them, and the three seat
ed together at the table on which the instruments had
been placed, he laid, at their request, a hand on each
medium s head ; they then clasped both his arms with
their hands. While they remained thus situated (as he
supposed,) the room being dark, one of the instruments,
with an infernal twanging of its strings, rose from the
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 75
table and hit the policeman several times on the head ;
then a strange voice through the trumpet advised him
not to interfere with the work of the spirits by perse
cuting the mediums ! Considerably astonished, if not
positively scared, he took his hat and left, fully per
suaded that there was u something in it ! "
The boys produced the manifestations by grasping
the neck of the instrument, swinging it around, and
thrusting it into different parts of the open space of
the room, at the same time vibrating the strings with
the fore-finger. The faster the finger passed over the
strings, the more rapidly the instrument seemed to
move. Two hands could thus use as many instruments.
When sitting with a person at the table, as they did
with the policeman, one hand could be taken off the
investigator s arm without his knowing it, by gently in
creasing, at the same time, the pressure of the other
hand. It was an easy matter then to raise and thrum
the instrument or talk through the horn.
About a dozen gentlemen several of whom were
members of the press had a private seance with the
boys one afternoon, on which occasion <fc the spirits "
ventured upon an extra " manifestation." All took
seats at one side of a long, high table the position of
the mediums being midway of the row. This time, a
little, dim, ghostly gaslight was allowed in the room.
What seemed to be a hand soon appeared, partly above
the edge of the vacant side of the table, and opposite
the " mediums." One excited spiritualist present said
he could see the finger-nails.
John F. Coles who had for several days, sus-
76 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
pected the innocence of the boys sprang from his
seat, turned up the gaslight, and pounced on the elder
boy, who was found to have a nicely stuffed glove
drawn partly on to the toe of his boot. That, then,
was the spirit-hand ! The nails that the imaginative
spiritualist thought he saw were not on the fingers.
The boy alleged that the spirits made him attempt the
deception.
The father of these boys, who had accompanied them
to New York, took them home immediately after that
exposure. In Buffalo, they continued to hold " circles,"
hoping to retrieve their lost reputation as good medi
ums by being, not more honest, but more cautious.
To prevent any one getting hold of them while opera
ting, they hit upon the plan of passing a rope through
a button-hole of each gentleman s coat, the ends to be
held by a trusty person assigning, as a reason for
that arrangement, that it would then be*known no one
in the circle could assist in producing the manifesta
tions. The plan did not always work well, however ;
for a skeptic would sometimes cut the rope, and then
pounce upon "the spirit" that is, if he didn t hap
pen to miss that individual, on account of the darkness
and while trying to avoid a collision with the instru
ments.
To secure greater immunity from detection, and to
enable them to exhibit in large halls which could not
easily be darkened, the boys finally fixed upon a " cab
inet " as the best thing in which to work. They had,
some time before, made the " rope-test " a feature of
their exhibitions ; and in their cabinet-show they de-
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 77
pended for success in deceiving entirely upon the pre
sumption of the audience that their hands were so se
cured with ropes as to prevent their playing upon the
musical instruments, or doing whatever else the spirits
were assumed to do.
Their cabinet is about six feet high, six feet long, and
two and a half feet deep, the front consisting of three
doors, opening outward. In each end is a seat, with
holes through which the ropes can be passed in securing
the mediums. In the upper part of the middle door is
a lozenge-shaped aperture, curtained on the inside with
black muslin or oilcloth. The bolts are on the inside
of the doors.
The mediums are generally first tied by a committee
of two gentlemen appointed from the audience. The
doors of the cabinet are then closed, those at the ends
first, and then the middle one, the bolt of which is
reached by the manager through the aperture.
By the time the end doors are closed and bolted, the
Davenports, in many instances, have succeeded in
loosening the knots next their wrists, and in slipping
their hands out, the latter being then exhibited at the
aperture. Lest the hands should be recognized as be
longing to the mediums, they are kept in a constant
shaking motion while in view ; and to make the hands
look large or small, they spread or press together the
fingers. With that peculiar rapid motion imparted to
them, four hands in the aperture will appear to be half-a-
dozen. A lady s flesh colored kid glove, nicely stuffed
with cotton, is sometimes exhibited as a female hand
a critical observation of it never being allowed. It does
78 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
not take the medium long to draw the knots close to
their wrists again. They are then ready to be inspect
ed by the Committee, who report them tied as they
were left. Supposing them to have been securely bound
all the while, those who witness the show are very nat
urally astonished.
Sometimes, after being tied by a committee, the me
diums cannot readily extricate their hands and get them
back as they were ; in which case they release them
selves entirely from the ropes before the door? are again
opened, concluding to wait till after " the spirits " have
bound them, before showing hands or making music.
It is a common thing for these impostors to give the
rope between their hands a twist while those limbs are
being bound ; and that movement, if dexterously made,
while the attention of the committee-men is momentari
ly diverted, is not likely to be detected. Reversing
that movement will let the hand out.
The great point with the Davenports in tying them,
selves is, to have a knot next their wrists that looks sol
id, u fair and square," at the same time that they can
slip it and get their hands out in a moment. There
are several ways of forming such a knot, one of which
I will attempt to describe. In the middle of a rope a
square knot is tied, loosely at first, so that the ends of
the rope can be tucked through, in opposite directions,
below the knot, and the latter is then drawn tight.
There are then two loops which should be made
small through which the hands are to pass after the
rest of the tying is done. Just sufficient slack is left to
admit of the hands passing through the loops, which,
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 79
lastly, are drawn close to the wrists, the knot coming
between the latter. No one, from the appearance of
such a knot, would suspect it could be slipped. The
mediums thus tied can, immediately after the committee
have inspected the knots, and closed the doors, show
hands or play upon musical instruments, and in a few
seconds be, to all appearance, firmly tied again.
If flour has been placed in their hands, it makes no
difference as to their getting those members out of or
into the ropes ; but, to show hands at the aperture, or
to make a noise on the musical instruments, it is neces
sary that the} should get the flour out of one hand in
to the other. The moisture of the hand and squeezing,
packs the flour into a lump, which can be laid into the
other hand and returned without losing any. The lit
tle flour that adheres to the empty hand can be wiped
off in the pantaloons pocket. The mediums seldom if
ever take flour in their hands while they are in the
bonds put upon them by the committee. The princi
pal part of the show is after the trying has been done
in their own way. Wm. Fay, who accompanies the
Davenports, is thus fixed when the hypothetical spirits
take the coat off his back.
As I before remarked, there are several ways in
which the mediums tie themselves. They always do
it, however, in sucli a manner that, though the tying
looks secure, they can immediately get one or both
hands out. Let committees insist upon untying the
knots of the spirits, whether the mediums are willing
or not. A little critical observation will enable them
to learn the trick.
80 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
To make this subject of tying clearer, I will repeat
that the Davenports always untie themselves by using
their hands ; as they are able in ninety-nine cases out
of a hundred, however impossible it may seem, to re
lease their hands by loosening the knots next their
wrists. Sometimes they do this by twisting the rope
between their wrists ; sometimes it is by keeping their
muscles as tense as possible during the tying, so that
when relaxed there shall be some slack. Most " com
mittees " know so little about tying, that anybody, by a
little pulling, slipping, and wriggling, could slip his
hands out of their knots.
A violin, bell, and tambourine, with perhaps a gui
tar and drum, are the instruments used by the Dav
enports in the cabinet. The one who plays the violin
holds the bell in his hand witli the bow. The other
chap beats the tambourine on his knee, and has a hand
for something else.
The u mediums " frequently allow a person to re
main with them, providing he will let his hands be tied
to. their knees, the operators having previously been
tied by " the spirits." The party who ventures upon that
experiment is apt to be considerably " mussed up," as
" the spirits " are not very gentle in their manipula
tions.
To expose all the tricks of these impostors would re
quire more space than I can afford at present. They
have exhibited throughout the Northern States and the
Canaclas ; but never succeeded very well pecuniarily
until about two years ago, when they employed an agent,
who advertised them in such a way as to attract public
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 81
attention. In September last, they went to England,
where they have since created considerable excitement.
If the hands of these boys were tied close against
the side of their cabinet, the ropes passing through
holes and fastened on the outside, I think " the spirits "
would always fail to work.
Dr. W. F. Van Vleck, of Ohio, to whom I am in
debted for some of the facts contained in this chapter,
can beat the Davenport brothers at their own game.
In order that he might the better learn the various
methods pursued by the professed " mediums " in de
ceiving the public, Dr. Van Vleck entered into the
medium-business himself, and by establishing confiden
tial relations with those of the profession whose ac
quaintance he made, he became duly qualified to ex
pose them.
He was accepted and indorsed by leading spiritual
ists in different parts of the country, as a good medium,
who performed the most remarkable spiritual wonders.
As the worthy doctor practiced this innocent deception
on the professed mediums solely in order that he might
thus be able to expose their blasphemous impositions,
the public will scarcely dispute that in this case the end
justified the means. I suppose it is not possible for
any professed medium to puzzle or deceive the doctor.
He is up to all their " dodges," because he has learned
in their school. Mediums always insist upon certain
conditions, and those conditions are just such as will
best enable them to deceive the senses and pervert the
judgment.
Anderson u the Wizard of the North," and other
4*
82 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
conjurers in England, gave the Davenports battle, but
the " prestidigitators " did not reap many laurels.
Conjurers are no more likely to understand the tricks
of the mediums than any other person is. Before a
trick can be exposed it must be learned. Dr. Van
Vleck, having learned " the ropes," is competent to ex
pose them ; and he is doing it in many interesting pub
lic lectures and illustrations.
If the Davenports were exhibiting simply as jugglers,
I might admire their dexterity, and have nothing to say
against them ; but when they presumptuously pretend
to deal in " things spiritual," I consider it my duty,
while treating of humbugs, to do this much at least in
exposing them.
CHAPTER X.
THE SPIRIT-RAPPING AND MEDIUM HUMBUGS. THEIR
ORIGIN. HOW THE THING IS DONE. $500 REWARD.
The " spirit-rapping " humbug was started in Hydes-
ville, New York, about seventeen years ago, by several
daughters of a Mr. Fox, living in that place. These
girls discovered that certain exercises of their anatomy
would produce mysterious sounds mysterious to those
who heard them, simply because the means of their
production were not apparent. Reports of this wonder
soon went abroad, and the Fox family were daily visit
ed by people from different sections of the country
all having a greed for the marvelous. Not long after
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 83
the strange sounds were first heard, some one suggested
that they were, perhaps, produced by spirits ; and a re
quest was made for a certain number of raps, if that
suggestion was correct. The specified number were
immediately heard. A plan was then proposed by
means of which communications might be received
from " the spirits." An investigator would repeat the
alphabet, writing down whatever letters were designa
ted by the " raps." Sentences were thus formed the
orthography, however, being decidedly bad.
What purported to be the spirit of a murdered ped
dler, gave an account of his " taking off ." He said
that his body was buried beneath that very house, in a
corner of the cellar ; that he had been killed by a for
mer occupant of the premises. A peddler really had
disappeared, somewhat mysteriously, from that part of
the country some time before : and ready credence was
given the statements thus spelled out through the
" raps." Digging to the depth of eight feet in the
cellar did not disclose any " dead corpus," or even the
remains of one. Soon after that, the missing peddler
reappeared in Hydesville, still " clothed with mortali
ty," and having a new assortment of wares to sell.
That the " raps " were produced by disembodied
spirits many firmly believed. False communications
were attributed to evil spirits. The answers to ques
tions were as often wrong as right ; and only right
when the answer could be easily guessed, or inferred
from the nature of the question itself.
The Fox family moved to Rochester, New York,
soon after the rapping-humbug was started ; and it was
84 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
there that their first public effort was made. A com
mittee was appointed to investigate the matter, most of
whom reported adversely to the claims of the " medi
ums ; " though all of them were puzzled to know how
the thing was done. In Buffalo, where the Foxes sub
sequently let their spirits flow, a committee of doctors
reported that these loosely-constructed girls produced
the " raps " by snapping their toe and knee joints.
That theory, though very much ridiculed bv the spir
itualists then and since, was correct, as further devel
opments proved.
Mrs. Culver, a relative of the Fox girls, made a sol
emn deposition before a magistrate, to the effect that
one of the girls had instructed her how to produce the
" raps," on condition that she (Mrs. C.) should not
communicate a knowledge of the matter to any one.
Mrs. Culver was a good Christian woman, and she felt
it her duty as the deception had been carried so far
to expose the matter. She actually produced the
"raps," in presence of the magistrate, and explained
the manner of making them.
Doctor Von Vleck to whom I referred in connec
tion with my exposition of the Davenport imposture
produces very loud " raps " before his audiences, and so
modulates them that they will seem to be at any desired
point in his vicinity ; yet not a movement of his body
betrays the fact that the sounds are caused by him.
The Fox family found that the rapping business
would be made to p:iy ; and so they continued it, with
varying success, for a number of years, making New
York city their place of residence and principal Held of
THE SRIRITUALISTS. 85
operation. I believe that none of them are now in the
" spiritual line. . Margaret Fox, the youngest of the
rappers, has for some time been a member of the Ro
man Catholic Church.
From the very commencement of spiritualism, there
has been a constantly increasing demand for " spiritual "
wonders, to meet which numerous " mediums " have
been " developed."
Many, who otherwise would not be in the least dis
tinguished, have become " mediums " in order to obtain
notoriety, if nothing more.
Communicating by " raps " was a slow process ; so
some of the mediums took to writing spasmodically ;
others talked in a " trance " all under the influence
of spirits !
Mediumship has come to be a profession steadily pur
sued by quite a number of persons, who get their living
by it.
There are various classes of " mediums," the opera
tions of each class being confined to a particular de
partment of " spiritual " humbuggery.
Some call themselves " test mediums ; " and, bv in
sisting upon certain formulas, they succeed in astonish
ing, if they don t convince most of them who visit
them. It is by this class that the public is most likely
to be deceived.
There is a person by the name of J. V. Mansfield^
who has been called by spiritualists the " Great Spirit
Postmaster," his specialty being the answering of sealed
letters addressed to spirits. The letters are returned
some of them at least to the writers without appear-
86 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
ing to have been opened, accompanied by answers
purporting to be written through Mansfield by the spir
its addressed. Such of these letters as are sealed with
gum-arabic merely, can be steamed open, and the envel
opes resealed and reglazed as they were before. If
sealing-wax has been used, a sharp, thin blade will en
able the medium to nicely cut off the seal by splitting
the paper under it ; and then, after a knowledge of the
contents of the letter is arrived at, the seal can be re
placed in its original position, and made fast with gum-
arabic. Not more than one out of a hundred would be
likely to observe that the seal had ever been tampered
with. The investigator opens the envelope, when re
turned to him, at the end, preserving the sealed part
intact, in order to show his friends that the letter was
answered without being opened !
Another method of the medium is, to slit open the
envelope at the end with a sharp knife, and afterward
stick it together again with gum, rubbing the edge
slightly as soon as the gum is dry. If the job is nicely
done, a close observer would hardly perceive it.
Mr. Mansfield does not engage to answer all letters ;
those unanswered being too securely sealed for him to
open without detection. To secure the services of the
" Great Spirit-Postmaster," a fee of five dollars must
accompany your letter to the spirits ; and the money is
retained whether an answer is returned or not.
Rather high postage that !
Several years since, a gentleman living in Buffalo,
N. Y., addressed some questions to one of his spirit-
friends, and inclosed them, together with a single hair
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 87
and a grain of sand, in an envelope, which he sealed so
closely that no part of the contents could escape while
being transmitted by mail. The questions were sent
to Mr. Mansfield and answers requested through his
" mediumship." The envelope containing the ques
tions was soon returned, with answers to the letter.
The former did not appear to have been opened.
Spreading a large sheet of blank paper on a table be
fore him, the gentleman opened the envelope and placed
its contents on the table. The hair and grain of sand
were not there.
Time and again has Mansfield been convicted of im
posture, yet he still prosecutes his nefarious business.
The " Spirit-Postmaster " fails to get answers to
such questions as these :
" Where did you die ? "
" When?"
" Who attended you in your last illness ? "
" What were your last words ? "
" How many were present at your death ? "
But if the questions are of such a nature as the fol
lowing, answers are generally obtained :
" Are you happy ? "
" Are you often near me ? "
" And can you influence me ? "
u Have you changed your religious notions since en
tering the spirit-world ? r
It is to be observed that the questions which the
" Spirit-Postmaster " can answer require no knowledge
of facts about the applicant, while those which he can
not answer, do require it.
88 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Address, for instance, your spirit-father without men
tioning his name, and the name will not be given in
connection with the reply purporting to come from him
unless the medium knows your family.
I will write a series of questions addressed to one of
my spirit-friends, inclose them in an envelope, and if
Mr. Mansfield or any other professed medium will an
swer those questions pertinently in my presence, and
without touching the envelope, I will give to such par
ty five hundred dollars, and think I have got the worth
of my money.
CHAPTER XI.
THE
" DISEASED " RELATIVES. A u HUNGRY SPIRIT. *
"PALMING" A BALLOT. REVELATIONS ON STRIPS
OF PAPER.
An aptitude for deception is all the capital that a
person requires in order to become a " spirit-medium ; "
or, at least, to gain the reputation of being one. Back
ing up the pretence to mediumship with a show of
something mysterious, is all-sufficient to enlist attention,
and insure the making of converts.
One of the most noted of the mediumistic fraternity
whose name I do not choose to give at present
steadily pursued his business, for several years, in a
room in Broadway, in this city, and succeeded not only
in humbugging a good many people, but in what was
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 89
more important to him acquiring quite an amount of
money. His mode of operating was " the ballot-test,"
and was as follows :
Medium and investigator being seated opposite each
other at a table, the latter was handed several slips of
blank paper, with the request that he write the first
(or Christian) names one on each paper of sever
al of his deceased relatives, which being done, he was
desired to touch the folded papers, one after the other,
till one should be designated, by three tips of the table,
as containing the name of the spirit who would com
municate. The selected paper was laid aside, and the
others thrown upon the floor, the investigator being
further requested to write on as many different pieces
of paper as contained the names, and the relation (to
himself) of the spirits bearing them. Supposing the
names written were Mary, Joseph, and Samuel, being,
respectively, the investigator s mother, father, and broth
er. The last-named class would be secondly written,
and one of them designated by three tips of the table,
as in the first instance. The respective ages of the
deceased parties, at the time of their decease, would
also be written, and one of them selected. The first
u test " consisted in having the selected name, relation
ship, and age correspond that is, refer to the same
party ; to ascertain which the investigator was desired
to look at them, and state if it was the case. If the
correspondence was affirmed, a communication was
soon given, with the selected name, relationship, and
age appended. Questions, written in the presence of
the medium, were answered relevantly, if not perti-
90 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
nently. Investigators generally did their part of the
writing in a guarded manner, interposing their left hand
between the paper on which they wrote and the medi
um s eyes ; and they were very much astonished when
they received a communication, couched in affectionate
terms, with the names of their spirit-friends attached.
By long practice, the medium was enabled to deter
mine what the investigator wrote, by the motion of his
hand in writing. Nine out of ten wrote the relation
ship first that corresponded with the first name they had
written. Therefore, if the medium selected the first
that was written of each class, they in most cases re
ferred to the same spirit. He waited till the investiga
tor had affirmed the coincidence, before proceeding ; for
he did not like to write a communication, appending to
it, for instance, " Your Uncle John," when it ought
to be " Your Father John." The reason he did not
desire inquirers to write the surnames of their spirit-
friends, was this: almost all Christian names are com
mon, and he was .familiar with the motions which the
hand must make in writing them ; but there are com
paratively few people who have the same surnames,
and to determine them would have been more difficult.
No fact was communicated that had not been surrepti
tiously gleaned from the investigator.
An old gentleman, apparently from the country, one
day entered the room of this medium and expressed a
desire for a " sperit communication."
He was told to take a seat at the table, and to write
the names of his deceased relatives. The medium, like
many others, incorrectly pronounced the term " de-
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 91
ceased," the same as "diseased" sounding the s
like z.
The old gentleman carefully adjusted his " specs "
and did what was required of him. A name and rela
tionship having been selected from those written, the
investigator was desired to examine and state if they
referred to one party.
" Wai, I declare they do ! " said he. " But I say-
Mister, what has them papers to do with a sperit com
munication ?
" You will see,, directly," replied the medium.
Whereupon the latter spasmodically wrote a " com
munication," which read somewhat as follows :
" MY DEAR HUSBAND : 1 am very glad to be able to address you
through this channel. Keep on investigating, and you will soon be
convinced of the great fact of spirit-intercourse. I am happy in my
spirit-home ; patiently awaiting the time when you will join me here,
etc. Your loving wife, BETSEY."
" Good gracious ! But my old woman can t be
dead," said the investigator, " for I left her tu hum ! "
" Not dead ! " exclaimed the medium. " Did I not
tell you to write the names of deceazed relatives ? "
"Diseased!" returned the old man; "Wai, she
ain t anything else, for she s had the rumatiz orfully for
six months ! "
Saying which, he took his hat and left, concluding
that it was not worth while to " keep on investigating "
any longer at that time.
This same medium, not long since, visited Great
Britian for the purpose of practicing his profession
there.
92 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
In one of the cities of Scotland, some shrewd inves
tigator divined that he was able to nearly guess from
the motion of the hand what questions were written.
"Are you happy?" being a question commonly
asked the " spirits," one of these gentlemen varied it by
asking :
O
" Are you hungry ? "
The reply was, an emphatic affirmative.
They tricked the trickster in other ways ; one of
which was to write the names of mortals instead of
spirits. It made no difference, however, as to getting a
" communication."
To tip the table without apparent muscular exertion,
this impostor placed his hands on it in such a way that
the " pisiform bone " (which may be felt projecting at
the lower corner of the palm, opposite the thumb)
pressed against the edge. By pushing, the table tipped
from him, it being prevented from sliding by little
spikes in the legs of the side opposite the operator.
There are other " ballot-test mediums," as thev are
called, who have a somewhat different method of cheat
ing. They, too, require investigators to write the
names in full, however of their spirit-friends; the
slips of paper containing the names, to be folded and
placed on a table. The medium then seizes one of the
" ballots," and asks :
" Is the spirit present whose name is on this ? "
Dropping that and taking another :
"On this?"
So he handles all the papers without getting a re
sponse. During this time, however, he has dextrously
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 93
" palmed " one of the ballots, which while telling
the investigator to be patient, as the spirits would doubt
less soon come he opens with his left hand, on his
knee, under the edge of the table.
A mere glance enables him to read the name. Re
folding the paper, and retaining it in his hand, he re
marks :
" I will touch the ballots again, and perhaps one of
them will be designated this time."
Dropping among the rest the one he had " palmed,"
he soon picks it up again, whereat three loud u raps "
are heard.
" That paper," says he to the investigator, " proba
bly contains the name of the spirit who rapped ; please
hold it in your hand."
Then seizing a pencil, he w r rites a name, which the
investigator finds to be the one contained in the select-
o
ed paper.
If the ballots are few in number, a blank is put with
the pile, when the medium " palms " one, else the
latter might be missed.
It seems the spirits can never give their names with
out being reminded of them by the investigator, and
then they are so doubtful of their o\vn identity that
they have but little to say for themselves.
One medium to whom I have already alluded, after
a sojourn of several years in California whither he
went from Boston, seeking whom he might humbug
has now returned to the East, and is operating in this
city. Besides answering sealed letters, he furnishes
written " communications " to parties visiting him at
94 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
his rooms a " sitting," however, being granted to
but one person at a time. His terms are only five dol
lars an hour.
Seated at a table in a part of the room where is the
most light, he hands the investigator a strip of blank,
white paper, rather thin and light of texture, about a
yard long and six inches wide, requesting him to write
across one end of it a single question, addressed to a
spirit-friend, then to sign his own name, and fold the
paper once or twice over what he has written. For
instance :
" BROTHER SAMUEL : Will you communicate with me through this
medium? WILLIAM FRANKLIN."
To learn what has been written, the medium lays
the paper down on the table, and repeatedly rubs the
fingers of his right hand over the folds made by the
inquirer. If that does not render the writing visible
through the one thickness of paper that covers it, he
slightly raises the edge of the folds with his left hand
while he continues to rub with his right ; and that ad
mits of the light shining through, so that the writing
can be read. The other party is so situated that the
writing is not visible to him through the paper, and he
is not likely to presume that it is visible to the medium ;
the latter having assigned as a reason for his manipu
lations that spirits were able to read the questions only
by means of the odylic, magnetic, or some other ema
nation from the ends of his fingers !
cT>
Having learned the question, of course the medium
can reply to it, giving the name of the spirit addressed ;
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 95
but before doing so, he doubles the two folds made by
the inquirer, and, for a show of consistency, again rubs
his fingers over the paper. Then more folds and more
rubbing all the folding, additional to the inquirer s,
being done to keep the latter from observing, when he
comes to read the answer, that it was possible for the
medium to read the question through the two folds of
paper. The answer is written upon the same strip of
paper that accompanies the question.
The medium requires the investigator to write his
questions each on a different strip of paper ; and before
answering, he every time manipulates the paper in the
way I have described. When rubbing his fingers over
the question, he often shuts the eye which is toward
the inquirer which prevents suspicion ; but the other
eye is open wide enough to enable him to read the
question through the paper.
Should a person write a test-question, the medium
could not answer it correctly even if he did see it. In
his " communications " he uses many terms of endear
ment, and if possible flatters the recipient out of his
common-sense, and into the belief that " after all there
may be something in it ! "
Should the inquirer tc smell a rat," and take meas
ures to prevent the medium from learning, in the way
I have stated, what question is written, he (the medium)
gets nervous and discontinues the " sitting," alleging
that conditions are unfavorable for spirit-communication.
96 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
CHAPTER XII.
SPIRITUAL "LETTERS ON THE ARM." HOW TO MAKE
THEM YOURSELF. THE TAMBOURINE AND RING
FEATS. DEXTER S DANCING HATP, PHOSPHORES
CENT OIL. SOME SPIRITUAL SLANG.
The mediums produce " blood-red letters on the
arm " in a very simple way. It is done with a pencil,
or some blunt-pointed instrument, it being necessary to
bear on hard while the movement of writing is being
executed. The pressure, though not sufficient to
abrade the skin, forces the blood from the capillary
vessels over which the pencil passes, and where, when
the reaction takes place, an unusual quantity of blood
gathers and becomes plainlv visible throuo-h the cuticle.
C5 1 / ?!?
Gradually, as an equilibrium of the circulation is re
stored, the letters pass away.
This " manipulation " is generally produced by the
medium in connection with the ballot-test. Having
learned the name of an investigator s spirit-friend, in
the manner stated in a previous article, the investiga
tor is set to writing some other names. While he is
thus occupied, the medium quickly slips up his sleeve
under the table, and writes on his arm the name he has
learned.
Try the experiment yourself, reader. Hold out your
left arm ; clench the fist so as to harden the muscle a
little, and write your name on the skin with a blunt
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 97
pencil or any similar point, in letters say three-quarters
of an inch long, pressing firmly enough to feel a little
pain. Rub the place briskly a dozen times ; this brings
out the letters quickly, in tolerably-distinct red lines.
On thick, tough skins it is difficult to produce letters
in this way. They might also be outlined more deeply
by sharply pricking in dots along the lines of the de
sired letters.
Among others who seek to gain money and notoriety
by the exercise of their talents for " spiritual " hum-
buggery, is a certain woman, whom I will not further
designate, but whose name is at the service of any
proper person, and who exhibited not long since in
Brooklyn and New York. This woman is accompa
nied by her husband, who is a confederate in the play
ing of her " little game."
She seats herself at a table, which has been placed
against the wall of the room. The audience is so seat
ed as to form a semicircle, at one end of which, and near
enough to the medium to be able to shake hands with
her, or nearly so, sits her husband, with perhaps an
accommodating spiritualist next to him. Then the me
dium, in an assumed voice, engages in a miscellaneous
* " O O
talk, ending with a request that some one sit by her
and hold her hand.
A skeptic is permitted to do that. When thus
placed, skeptic is directly between the medium and her
husband, and with his back to the latter. The hus
band plays spirit, and with his right hand which is
free, the other only being held by the accommodating
spiritualist pats the investigator on the head, thumps
5
98 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
him with a guitar and other instruments, and may be
pulls his hair.
The medium assumes all this to be done by a spirit,
because her hands are held and she could not do it !
Profound reasoning ! If any one suggests that the
husband had better sit somewhere else, the medium
Avill not hear to it " he is a part of the battery," and
the necessary conditions must not be interfered with.
Sure enough ! Accommodating spiritualist also says
he holds husband fast.
A tambourine-frame, without the head, and an iron
ring, large enough to pass over one s arm, are exhibited
to the audience. Medium says the spirits have such
power over matter as to be able to put one or both
those things on to her arm while some one holds her
hands.
The party who is privileged to hold her hands on
such occasion, has to grope his way to her in the dark.
Having reached her, she seizes his hands, and passes
one of them down her neck and along her arm, saying:
" Now you know there is no ring already there ! "
Soon after he feels the tambourine-frame or ring
slide over his hand and on to his arm. A light is pro
duced in order that he may see it is there.
When he took her hands he felt the frame or ring
or at any rate, a frame or ring under his elbow on
the table, from which place it was pulled by some pow
er just before it went on to his arm. Such is his re
port to the audience. But in fact, the medium has two
frames, or else a tambourine, and a tambourine-frame.
She allows the investigator to feel one of these.
THE SPIRITUALISTS. b)y
She has, however, previous to his taking her hands,
put one arm and head through the frame she uses ; so
that of course he does not feel it when she passes his
hand down one side of her neck and over one of her
arms, as it is under that arm. Her husband pulls the
tambourine from under the investigator s elbow ; then
the medium o-etc her head back through the frame,
O O
leaving it on her arm, or sliding it on to his, and the
work is done !
She has also two iron rings. One of them she puts
over her arm and the point of her shoulder, where it
snugly remains, covered with a cape which she persists
in wearing on these occasions, till the investigator takes
her hands (in the dark) and feels the other ring under
his elbows ; then the husband disposes of the ring on
the table, and the medium works the other one down
on to her arm. The audience saw but one ring, and
the person sitting with the medium thought he had
that under his elbow till it was pulled away and put on
the arm !
Some years ago, a man by the name of Dexter, who
kept an oyster and liquor saloon on Bleecker street, de
vised a somewhat novel exhibition for the purpose of
attracting custom. A number of hats, placed on the
floor of his saloon, danced (or bobbed up and down)
in time to music. His place was visited by a number
of the leading spiritualists of New York, several of
whom were heard to express a belief that the hats were
moved by spirits ! Dexter, however, did not claim to
be a medium, though he talked vaguely of " the power
of electricity," when questioned with regard to his ex-
100 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
hibition. Besides making the hats dance, he would
(apparently) cause a violin placed in a box on the floor
to sound, by waving his hands over it.
Tiie hats were moved by a somewhat complicated
arrangement of wires, worked by a confederate, out of
sight. These wires were attached to levers, and finally
came up through the floor, through small holes hidden
from observation by the sawdust strewn there, as is
common in such places.
The violin in the box did not sound at all. It was
another violin, under the floor, that was heard. It is
not easy for a person to exactly locate a sound when
the cause is not apparent. In short, Mr. Dexter s
operations may be described as only consisting of a
little well-managed Dexterity !
A young man " out West," claiming to be influenced
by spirits, astonished people by reading names, telling
time by watches, etc., in a dark room. He sat at a
centre-table, which was covered with a cloth, in the
middle of the room. Investigators sat next the walls.
The name of a spirit, for instance, would be written
and laid on a table, when in a short time he pronounced
it. To tell the time by a watch, he required it to be
placed on the table, or in his hand. With the table
cloth over his head, a bottle of phosphorated oil en
abled him to see, when not the least glimmer of light
was visible to others in the room.
If any of the " spiritualist " philosophers were to be
asked what is the philosophy of these proceedings, he
would probably reply with a mess of balderdash pretty
much like the following :
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 101
" There is an infinitesimal influence of sympathy
between mind and matter, which permeates all beings,
and pervades all the delicate niches and interstices of
human intelligence. This sympathetic influence work
ing upon the affined intelligence of an affinity, coagu
lates itself into a corporiety, approximating closely to
the adumbration of mortality in its highest admensu-
ration, at last accumulating in an accumination."
On these great philosophic principles it will not be
difficult to comprehend the following actual quotation
from the Spiritual Telegraph :
" In the twelfth hour, the holy procedure shall crown
the Triune Creator with the most perfect disclosive
illumination. Then shall the creation in the effulgence
above the divine seraphemal, arise into the dome of the
disclosure in one comprehensive revolving galaxy of
supreme created beatitudes."
That those not surcharged with the divine afflatus
O
may be able to get at the meaning of the above para
graph, it is translated thus :
" Then shall all the blockheads in the iiincora-
poopdome of disclosive procedure above the all-fired
leather-fungus of Peter Nephninnygo, . the gooseberry
grinder, rise into the dome of the disclosure until co-
equaled and coexistensive and conglomerate lumuxes in
one comprehensive rnux shall assimilate into nothing,
and revolve like a bob-tailed pussy cat after the space
where the tail was."
What power there is in spiritualism !
I shall be glad to receive, for publication, authentic
information, from all parts of the world in regard to
102
HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
the doings of pretended spiritualists, especially those
who perform for money. It is high time that the cred
ulous portion of our community should be saved from
the deceptions, delusions, and swindles of these bias
phemous mountebanks and impostors.
CHAPTER XIII.
DEMONSTRATIONS BY " SAMPSON " UNDER A TABLE.
A MEDIUM WHO IS HANDY WITH HER FEET. EX
POSE OF ANOTHER OPERATOR IN DARK CIRCLES.
Considerable excitement has been created in various
parts of the West by a young woman, whose name need
not here be given, who pretends to be a " medium for
physical manifestations." She is rather tall and quite
muscular, her general manner and expression indicating
innocence and simplicity.
The " manifestations" exhibited by her purport to be
produced by Samson, the Hebrew champion and anti-
philistine.
In preparing for her exhibition, she has a table
placed sideways against the wall of the room, and cov
ered with a thick blanket that reaches to the floor. A
large tin dish pan, with handles (or -ears,) a German
accordeon, and a tea-bell are placed under the table,
at the end of which she seats herself in such a way
that her body is against the top, and her lower limbs
underneath, her skirts being so adjusted as to fill the
space between the end legs of the table, and at the
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 103
same time allow free play for her pedal extremities.
The blanket, at the end where she sits, comes to her
waist and hangs down to the floor on each side of her
chair. The space under the table is thus made dark
a necessary condition, it is claimed and all therein
concealed from view. The " medium " then folds her
arms, looks careless, and the " manifestations " com
mence. The accordeon is sounded, no music being exe
cuted upon it, and the bell rung at the same time. Then
the dishpan receives such treatment that it makes a ter
rible noise. Some one is requested to go to the end of the
table opposite the " medium," put his hand under the
blanket, take hold of the dishpan, and pull. He does so,
and finds that some power is opposing him, holding the
dishpan to one place. Not being rude, he forbears to
jerk with all his force, but retires to his seat. The
table rises several inches and comes down " kerslap,"
then it tips forward a number of times ; then one end
jumps up and down in time to music, if there is any
one present to play ; loud raps are heard upon it, and
the hypothetical Samson has quite a lively time gener
ally. Some of the mortals present, one at a time, put
their fingers, by request, against the blankets, through
which those members are gingerly squeezed by what
might be a hand, if there was one under the table. A
person being told to take hold of the top of the table
at the ends, he does so, and finds it so heavy that he
can barely lift it. Setting it down, he is told to raise
it again several inches ; and at the second lifting it is
no heavier than one would naturally judge such a piece
of furniture to be. Another person is asked to lift the
104 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
end furthest from the medium ; having done so, it sud
denly becomes quite weighty, and, relaxing his hold, it
comes down with much force upon the floor. Thus,
by the power exercised beneath the table of an
assumed spirit, that piece of cabinet-ware becomes heavy
or light, and is moved in various ways, the medium not
appearing to do it.
In addition to her other " fixins," this medium has a
spirit-dial, so called, on which are letters of the alpha
bet, the numerals, and such words as " Yes," " No,"
and " Don t know." The whole thing is so arranged
that the pulling of a string makes an index hand go
the circuit of the dial-face, and it can be made to stop
at any of the characters or words thereon. This
" spirit-dial " is placed on the table, near the end fur
thest from the medium, the string passing through a
hole and hanging beneath. In the end of the string
there is a knot. While the medium remains in the
same position in which she sat when the other u mani
festations " were produced, communications are spelled
out through the dial, the index being moved by some
power under the table that pulls the string. A coil-
spring makes the index fly back to the starting-point,
when the power is relaxed at each indication of a char
acter or word. The orthography of these " spirits " is
" bad if not worse."
Now for an explanation of the various " manifesta
tions " that I have enumerated.
The medium is simply handy with her feet. To
sound the accordeon and ring the bell at the same time,
she has to take off one of her shoes or slippers, the
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 105
latter being generally worn by her on these occasions.
That done, she gets the handle of the tea-bell between
the toes of her right foot, through a hole in the stock
ing, then putting the heel of the same foot on the keys
of the accordeon, ahd the other foot into the strap on
the bellows part of that instrument, she easily sounds
it, the motion necessary to do this also causing the bell
to ring. She can readily pass her heels over the keys
to produce different notes. She is thus able to make
sounds on the accordeon that approximate to the very
simple tune of " Bounding Billows," and that is the
extent of her musical ability when only using her
" pedals."
To get a congress-gaiter off the foot without using
the hands is quite easy ; but how to get one on again,
those members not being employed to do it, would puz
zle most people. It is not difficult to do, however, if a
cord has been attached to the strap of the gaiter and tied
to the leg above the calf. The cord should be slack, and
that will admit of the gaiter coming off. To get it on,
the toe has to be worked into the top of it, and then
pulling on the cord with the toe of the other foot will
accomplish the rest.
The racket with the dishpan is made by putting the
toe of the foot into one of the handles or ears, and
beating the pan about. By keeping the toe in this
handle and putting the other foot into the pan, the ope
rator can " stand a pull " from an investigator, who
reaches under the blanket and takes hold of the other
handle.
To raise the table, the " medium " puts her knees
5*
106 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
under and against the frame of it, then lifts her heels,
pressing the toes against the floor, at the same time
bearin^ with her arms on the end. To make the table
?"}
tip forward, one knee only is pressed against the frame
at the back side. The raps are made with the toe of
the medium s shoe against the leg, frame, or top of the
table.
What feels like a hand pressing the investigator s
fingers when he pats them against the blanket, is noth
ing more than the medium s feet, the big toe of one
foot doing duty for a thumb, and all the toes of the
other foot being used to imitate fingers. The pressure
of these, through a thick blanket, cannot well be dis
tinguished from that of a hand. When this experi
ment is to be made, the medium wears slippers that she
can readily get off her feet.
To make the table heavy, the operator presses her
knees outwardly against the legs of the table, and then
presses down in opposition to the party who is lifting,
or she presses her knees against that surface of the legs
of the table that is toward her, while her feet are
hooked around the lower part of the legs ; that gives
her a leverage, b} r means of which she can make the
whole table or the end furthest from her seem quite
heavy, and if the person lifting it suddenly relaxes his
hold, it will come down with a forcible bang to the
floor.
To work the " spirit-dial," the medium has only to
press the string with the toe of her foot against the top
of the table, and slide it (the string) along till the in
dex points at the letter or word she wishes to indicate.
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 107
The frame of the dial is beveled, the face declining
toward the medium, so that she has no difficulty in
observing where the index points.
After concluding her performances under the table, this
medium sometimes moves her chair about two feet back
and sits with her side toward the end of the table, with
one leg of which, however, the skirt of her dress comes
in contact. Under cover of the skirt she then hooks
her foot around the leg of the table and draws it to
ward her. This is done without apparent muscular ex
ertion, while she is engaged in conversation ; and par
ties present are humbugged into the belief that the ta
ble was moved without " mortal contact " so they
report to outsiders.
This medium has a " manager," and he does his best
in managing the matter, to prevent " Samson being
caught " in the act of cheating. The medium, too, is
vigilant, notwithstanding her appearance of careless
ness and innocent simplicity. A sudden rising of the
blanket once exposed to view her pedal extremities in
active operation.
Another of the " Dark Circle " mediums gets a good
deal of sympathy on account of her " delicate health."
Her health is not so delicate, however, as to prevent
her from laboring hard to humbug people with " physical
demonstrations." She operates only in private, in pres
ence of a limited number of people.
A circle being formed, the hands of all the members
are joined except at one place where a table intervenes.
Those sitting next to this table place a hand upon it,
the other hand of each of these parties being joined
108 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
with the circle. The medium takes a position close bv
the table, and during the manifestations is supposed to
momentarily touch with her two hands the hands of
those parties sitting next to the table. Of course, she
could accomplish little or nothing if she allowed her
hands to be constantly held by investigators ; so she hit
upon the plan mentioned above, to make the people
present believe that the musical instruments are not
sounded by her. These instruments are within her
reach ; and instead of touching the hands of those next
the table with both her hands, as supposed, she touches,
alternately, their hands with but one of hers, the other
she expertly uses in sounding the instruments.
Several years ago, at one of the circles of this medi
um, in St. John s, Mich., a light was suddenly intro
duced, and she was seen in the act of doing what she
had asserted to be done by the " spirits." She has also
been exposed as an impostor in other places.
As I have said before, the mediums always insist on
having such " conditions " as will best enable them to
deceive the senses and mislead the judgment.
If there were a few more " detectives " like Doctor
Von Vleck, the whole mediumistic fraternity would
soon " come to grief."
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 100
CHAPTER XIV.
SPIRITUAL PHOTOGRAPHING. COLORADO JEWETT AND
THE SPIRIT-PHOTOGRAPHS OF GENERAL JACKSON,
HENRY CLAY, DANIEL WEBSTER, STEPHEN A. DOUG
LAS, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, ETC. A LADY OF DIS
TINCTION SEEKS AND FINDS A SPIRITUAL PHOTOGRAPH
OF HER DECEASED INFANT, AND HER DEAD BRO
THER WHO WAS YET ALIVE. HOW IT WAS DONE.
In answer to numerous inquiries and several threats
of prosecution for libel in consequence of what I have
written in regard to impostors who (for money) per
form tricks of legerdemain and attribute them to the
spirits of deceased persons, I have only to say, I have
no malice or antipathies to gratify in these expositions.
In undertaking to show up the " Ancient and Modern
Humbugs of the World," I am determined so far as in
me lies, to publish nothing but the truth. This I shall
do, " with good motives and for justifiable ends," and I
shall do it fearlessly and conscientiously. No threats
will intimidate, no fawnings will flatter me from pub
lishing everything that is true which I think will con
tribute to the information or to the amusement of my
readers.
Some correspondents ask me if I believe that all pre-
110 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
tentions to intercourse with departed spirits are imposi
tions. I reply, that if people declare that they pri
vately communicate with or are influenced to write or
speak by invisible spirits, I cannot prove that they are
deceived or are attempting to deceive me although I
believe that one or the other of these propositions is
true. But when they pretend to give me communica
tions from departed spirits, to tie or untie ropes to
read sealed letters, or to answer test-questions through
spiritual agencies, I pronounce all such pretensions ri
diculous impositions, and I stand ready at any time to
prove them so, or to forfeit five hundred dollars, when
ever these pretended mediums will succeed in produc
ing their " wonderful manifestations " in a room of my
selecting, and with apparatus of my providing ; they
not being permitted to handle the sealed letters or fold
ed ballots which they are to answer, nor to make con
ditions in regard to the manner of rope tying, etc. If
they can answer my test-questions relevantly and truly,
without touching the envelopes in which they are
sealed or even when given to them by my word of
mouth, I will hand over the $500. If they can cause
invisible agencies to perform in open daylight many of
the things which they pretend to accomplish by spirits
in the dark, I will promptly pay $500 for the sight.
In the mean time, I think I can reasonably account for
and explain all pretended spiritual gymnastic perform
ances throwings of hair-brushes dancing pianos
spirit-rapping table-tipping playing of musical in
struments, and flying through the air (in the dark,)
and a thousand other " wonderful manifestations "
THE SPIRITUALISTS. Ill
which, like most of the performances of modern " ma
gicians," are " passing strange " until explained, and
then they are as flat as dish-water. Dr. Von Vleck
publicly produces all of these pretended " manifesta
tions " in open dayl.ght, without claiming spiritual aid.
Among the number of humbugs that owe their ex
istence to various combinations of circumstances and
the extreme gullibility of the human race, the following
was related to me by a gentleman whose position and
character warrant me in announcing that it may be im
plicitly relied upon as correct in every particular.
Some time before the Presidental election-, a photo
grapher residing in one of our cities (an ingenious man
and a scientific chemist,) was engaged in making ex
periments with his camera, hoping to discover some
new combination whereby to increase the facility of
" picturing the human form divine," etc. One morn
ing, his apparatus being in excellent order, he deter
mined to photograph himself. No sooner thought of,
than he set about making his arrangements. All being
ready, he placed himself in a position, remained a sec
ond or two, and then instantly closing his camera, sur
veyed the result of his operation. On bringing the
picture out upon the plate, he was surprised to find a
shadowy representation of a human being, so remarka
bly ghostlike and supernatural, that he became amused
at the discovery he had made. The operation was re
peated, until he could produce similar pictures by a
suitable arrangement of his lenses and reflectors known
to no other than himself. About this time he became
acquainted with one of the most famous spiritualist-
112 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
writers, and in conversation with him, showed him con
fidentially one of those photographs, with also the
shadow of another person, with the remark, mysteri
ously whispered :
" I assure you, Sir, upon my word as a gentleman,
and by all my hopes of a hereafter, that this picture
was produced upon the plate as you see it, at a time
when I had locked myself in my gallery, and no other
person was in the room. It appeared instantly, as you
see it there ; and I have long wished to obtain the
opinion of some man, like yourself, who has investiga
ted these mysteries."
The spiritualist listened attentively, looked upon the
picture, heard other explanations, examined other pic
tures, and sagely gave it as his opinion that the inhabit
ants of the unknown sphere had taken this mode of
re-appearing to the view of mortal eyes, that this ope
rator must be a " medium " of especial power. The
New York Herald of Progress, a spiritualist paper,
printed the first article upon this man s spiritual
photograph.
The acquaintance thus begun was continued, and the
photographer found it very profitable to oblige his spir
itual friend, by the reproduction of ghost-like pictures,
ad infinitum, at the rate of five dollars each. Mothers
came to the room of the artist, and gratefully retired with
ghostly representations of departed little ones. Wid
ows came to purchase the shades of their departed hus
bands. Husbands visited the photographer and pro
cured the spectral pictures of their dead wives. Parents
wanted the phantom-portraits of their deceased child-
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 113
ren. Friends wished to look upon what they believed
to be the lineaments of those who had long since gone
to the spirit-land. All who sought to look on those
pictures were satish ed with what had been shown them,
and, by conversation on the subject, increased the num
ber of visitors. In short, every person who heard
about this mystery determined to verify the wonderful
tales related, by looking upon the ghostly lineaments of
some person, who, they believed, inhabited another
sphere. And here I may as well mention that one of
the faithful obtained a " spirit " picture of a deceased
brother who had been dead more than five years, and
said that he recognized also the very pattern of his cra
vat as the same that he wore in life. Can human cre
dulity go further than to suppose that the departed still
appear in the old clo of their earthly wardrobe? and
the fact that the appearance of " the shade " of a young
lady in one of the fashionable cut Zouave jackets of
the hour did not disturb the faith of the believers, fills
us indeed with wonder.
The fame of the photographer spread throughout the
" spiritual circles," and pilgrims to this spiritual Mecca
came from remote parts of the land, and before many
months, caused no little excitement among some per
sons, inclined to believe that the demonstrations were
entirely produced by human agency.
The demand for u spirit " pictures consequently in
creased, until the operator was forced to raise his price
to ten dollars, whenever successful in obtaining a true
" spirit-picture," or to be overwhelmed with business
that now interfered with his regular labors.
114 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
About this time the famous " Peace Conference "
had been concluded by the issue of Mr. Lincoln s cele
brated letter, " To whom it may concern," and Wil
liam Cornell Jewett (with his head full of projects for
restoring peace to a suffering country) heard about the
mysterious photographer, and visited the operator.
" Sir," said he, " I must consult with the spirits of
distinguished statesmen. We need their counsel. This
cruel war must stop. Brethren slaying brethren, it is
horrible, Sir. Can you show me John Adams ? Can
you show me Daniel Webster ? Let me look upon the
features of Andrew Jackson. I must see that noble,
glorious, wise old statesman, Henry Clay, whom I knew.
Could you reproduce Stephen A. Douglas, with whom
to counsel at this crisis in our national affairs ! I should
like to meet the great Napoleon. Such, here obtained,
would increase my influence in the political work that
I have in hand."
In his own nervous, impetuous, excited way, Colorado
Jewett continued to urge upon the photographer the
great importance of receiving such communications, or
some evidence that the spirits of our deceased states
men were watching over and counseling those who de
sire to re-unite the two opposing forces, fighting against
each other on the soil of a common country.
With much caution, the photographer answered the
questions presented. Arranging the camera, he pro
duced some indistinct figures, and then concluded that
the " conditions " were not sufficiently favorable to at
tempt anything more before the next day. On the fol
lowing morning, Jewett appeared nervous, garru-
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 115
Ions, and excited at the prospect of being in the pres
ence of those great men, whose spirits he desired to
invoke. The apparatus was prepared ; utter silence
imposed, and for some time the heart of the peace-
seeker could almost be heard thumping within the
breast of him who sought supernatural aid, in his ef
forts to end our cruel civil war. Then, overcome by
his own thoughts, Jewett disturbed the " conditions "
by changing his position, and muttering short invoca
tions, adressed to the shades of those he wished to be
hold. The operator finally declared he could not pro
ceed, and postponed his performance for that day. So,
excuses were made, until the mental condition of Mr.
Jewett had reached that state which permitted the pho
tographer to expect the most complete success Every
thing being prepared, Jewett breathlessly awaited the
expected presence. Quietly the operator produced the
spectral representation of the elder Adams. Jewett
scrutinized the plate, and expressed a silent wonder, ac
companied, no doubt, with some mental appeals ad
dressed to the ancient statesman. Then, writing the
name of Webster upon a slip of paper, he passed it
over to the photographer, who gravely placed the scrap
of writing upon the camera, and presently drew there
from the " ghost-like " but well remembered features
of the " Sao;e of Marshfield." Colorado Jewett was
O
now thoroughly impressed with the spiritual power pro
ducing these images ; and in ecstacy breathed a prayer
that Andrew Jackson might appear to lend his counte
nance to the conference he wished to hold with the
mighty dead. Jackson s well known features came out
116 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
upon call, after due manipulation of the proper instru
ment. " Glorious trio of departed statesmen ! " thought
Jewett, " help us by your counsels in this the day of
our nation s great distress." Next Henry Clay s out
line was faintly shown from the tomb, and here the
sitter remarked that he expected him. After him came
Stephen A. Douglas, and the whole affair was so entire
ly satisfactory to Jewett, that, after paying fifty dollars
for what he had witnessed, he, the next day, implored
the presence of George Washington, offering fifty dol
lars more for a " spiritual " sight of the " Father of our
Country." This request smote upon the ear of the
photographer like an invitation to commit sacrilege.
His reverence for the memory of Washington was not
to be disturbed by the tempting offer of so many green
backs. He could not allow the features of that great
man to be used in connection with an imposture perpe
trated upon so deluded a fanatic as Colorado Jewett.
In short, the " conditions were unfavorable for the ap
parition of " General Washington ; " and his visitor
must remain satisfied with the council of great men that
had been called from the spirit world to instill wisdom
into the noddle of a foolish man on this terrestrial plan
et. Having failed to obtain, by the agency of the ope
rator, a glimpse of Washington, Jewett clasped his
hands together, and sinking upon his knees, said, look
ing toward Heaven : " O spirit of the immortal Wash
ington ! look down upon the warring elements that con
vulse our country, and kindly let thy form appear, to
lend its influence toward re-uniting a nation convulsed
with civil war ! "
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 117
It is needless to say that this prayer was not an
swered. The spirit would not come forth ; and, al
though quieted by the explanations and half promises
of the photographer, the peace-messenger departed, con
vinced that he had been in the presence of five great
statesmen, and saddened by the reflection that the shade
of the immortal Washington had turned away its face
from those who had refused to follow the counsels he
gave while living.
Soon after this, Jewett ordered duplicates of these
photographs to the value of $20 more. I now have on
exhibition in my Museum several of the veritable por
traits taken at this time, in which the well-known form
and face of Mr. Jewett are plainly depicted, and on
one of which appears the shade of Henry Clay, on
another that of Napoleon the First, and on others ladies
supposed to represent deceased feminines of great ce
lebrity. It is said that Jewett sent one of the Napo
leonic pictures to the Emperor Louis Napoleon.
Not Ions: after Colorado Jewett had beheld these
C>
wonderful pictures, and worked himself up into the be
lief that he was surrounded by the great and good
statesmen of a former generation, a lady, without mak
ing herself known, called upon the photographer. I
am informed that she is the wife of a distinguished
official. She had heard of the success of others, and
came to verify their -experience under her own bereave
ment. Completely satisfied by the apparition exhib
ited, she asked for and obtained a spectral photograph
resembling her son, who, some months previously, had
gone to the spirit-land. It is said that the same lady
118 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
asked for and obtained a spiritual photograph of her
brother, whom she had recently heard was slain in bat
tle ; and when she returned home she found him alive,
and as well as could be expected under the circum
stances. But this did not shake her faith in the least.
She simply remarked that some evil spirit had assumed
her brother s form in order to deceive her. This is a
very common method of spiritualists " digging out "
when the impositions of the " money-operators " are
detected. This same lady has recently given her per
sonal influence in favor of the " medium " Colchester,
in Washington. One of these impressions bearing the
likeness of this distinguished lady was accidentally re
cognized by a visitor. This capped the climax of the
imposture and satisfied the photographer that he was
committing a grave injury upon society by continuing
to produce " spiritual pictures," and subsequently he
refused to lend himself to any more " manifestations "
of this kind. He had exhausted the fun.
I need only explain the modus operandi of effecting
this illusion, to make apparent to the most ignorant
that no supernatural agency was required to produce
photographs bearing a resemblance to the persons whose
" apparition " was desired. The photographer always
took the precaution of inquiring about the deceased, his
appearance and ordinary mode of wearing the hair.
Then, selecting from countless old " negatives " the
nearest resemblance, it was produced for the visitor, in
dim, ghostlike outline differing so much from anything
of the kind ever produced, that his customers seldom
failed to recognize some lineament the dead person pos-
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 119
sessed when living, especially if such relative had de
ceased long since. The spectral illusions of Adams,
Webster, Jackson, Clay, and Douglas were readily ob
tained from excellent portraits of the deceased states
men, from which the scientific operator had prepared
his illusions for Colorado Jewett.
In placing before my readers this incident of " Spir-
tual Photography," I can assure them that the facts
are substantially as related ; and I am now in corres
pondence with gentlemen of wealth and position who
have signified their willingness to support this state
ment by affidavits and other documents prepared for
the purpose of opening the eyes of the people to the
delusions daily practised upon the ignorant and super
stitious.
CHAPTER XV.
BANNER OF LIGHT. MESSAGES FROM THE DEAD. SPIR
ITUAL CIVILITIES. SPIRIT " HOLLERING." HANS
VON VLEET, THE FEMALE DUTCHMAN. MRS. CO-
AKT S u CIRCLES." PAINE S TABLE-TIPPING HUM
BUG EXPOSED.
44 The Banner of Light," a weekly journal of romance,
literature, and general intelligence, published in Bos
ton, is the principal organ of spiritualism in this coun
try. Its " general intelligence " is rather questionable,
though there is no doubt about its being a "journal of
romance," strongly tinctured with humbug and impos
ture. It has a " Message Department," the proprie-
120 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
tors of the paper claiming that " each message in this
department of the " Banner " was spoken by the spirit
whose name it bears, through the instrumentality of
Mrs. J. H. Conant, while in an abnormal condition
called the trance.
I give a few specimens of these " messages." Thus,
for instance, discoursed! the Ghost of Lolley :
" How do? Don t know me, do you ? Know George
Lolley ? [Yes. How do you do ? ] I m first rate. I m
dead ; ain t you afraid of me ? You know I was familiar
with those sort of things, so I wasn t frightened to go.
" Well, won t you say to the folks that I m all right,
and happy ? that I didn t suffer a great deal, had a pretty
severe wound, got over that all right ; went out from
Petersburg. I was in the battle before Petersburg; got
my discharge from there. Remember me kindly to Mr.
Lord.
" Well, tell em as soon as I get the wheels a little
greased up and in running order I ll come back with the
good things, as I said I would, George W. Lolley.
Good-bye."
Immediately after a " message " from the spirit of
John Morgan, the guerrilla, came one from Charles
Talbot, who began as follows with a curious apostro
phe to his predecessor :
" Hi-yah ! old grisly. It s lucky for you I didn t get in
ahead of you.
"I am Charlie Talbot, of Chambersburg, Pa. Was
wounded in action, captured by the Rebels, and died on
their hands as they say of the horse."
It seems a little rude for one " spirit " to term anoth
er " Old Grisly ; " but such may be the style of com
pliment prevailing in the spirit-world.
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 121
Here is what Brother Klink said :
"John Klink, of the Twenty-fifth South Carolina. I
want to open communication with Thomas Lefar, Charles
ton, S. C. I am deucedly ignorant about this coming
back dead railroad business. It s new business to me,
as I suppose it will be to some of you when you travel
this way. Say I will do the best I can to communicate
with my friends, if they will give me an opportunity. I
desire Mr. Lefar to send my letter to my family when he
receives it he knows where they are and then re
port to this office.
" Good night, afternoon or morning, I don t know which.
I walked out at Petersburg."
Here is a message from George W. Gage, with some
of the questions which he answered :
" [How do you like your new home ?] First rate. I
likes heigho ! I likes to come here, for they clears all
the truck away before you get round, and fix up so you
can talk right off. [Wasn t you a medium ?] No, Sir ;
I wasn t afraid, though ; nor my mother ain t, either.
Oh, I knew about it ; I knew before I come to die, about
it. My mother told me about it. I knew I d be a wo
man when I come here, too. [Did you ?] Yes, sir ; my
mother told me, and said I musn t be afraid. Oh, I don t
likes that, but I likes to come.
" I forgot, Sir ; my mother s deaf j and always had to
holler. That gentleman says folks ain t deaf here."
The observable points are first that he seems to have
excused his " hollering" by the habits consequent upon
his mother s deafness. The " hollering consisted of
unusually heavy thumping, I suppose. But the second
point is of far greater interest. George intimates that
6
122 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
he has changed his " sect," and become a woman !
For this important alteration his good mother had pre
pared his mind. This style of thing will not seem so
strange if we consider that some men become old wo
men before they die !
Here is another case of feminifi cation and restitu
tion combined. Hans Von Vleet has become a vrow
what you may call a female Dutchman ! It has al
ways been claimed that women are purer and better
than men ; and accordingly we see that as soon as Hans
became a woman he insisted on his widow s returning
to a Jew two thousand dollars that naughty Hans had
" Christianed " the poor Hebrew out of. But let Hans
tell his own story :
" I was Hans Yon Vleet ven I vas here. 1 vas Von
Vleet here ; I is one vrow now. I is one vrow ven I
comes back ; I vas no vrow ven I vas here (alluding to
the fact that he was temporarily occuping the form of our
medium.) I wish you to know that I first live in Harlem,
State of New York. Ven I vos here, I take something I
had no right to take, something that no belongs to me.
I takes something ; I takes two thousand dollars that was
no my own ; that s what I come back to say about. I
first have some dealings with one Jew ; that s what you
call him. He likes to Jew me, and I likes to Christian
him. I belongs to the Dutch Reform Church. (Do you
think you were -a good member?) Veil, I vas. I be
lieves in the creed ; I takes the sacrament ; I lives up to
it outside. I no lives up to it inside, I suppose. (How
do you find yourself now, Hans ?) Veil, I finds myself
veil, I don t know; I not feel very happy. Ven I
comes to the spirit-land, I first meet that Jew s brother,
and he tells me, Hans, you raus go back and makes some
right with my brother. So I comes here.
"I vants my vrow, what I left in Harlem, to takes that
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 123
two tousand dollars and gives it back to that Jew s vrow.
That s what I came for to-day, Sir. (Has your vrow got
it ?) Veil, my vrow has got it in a tin box. Yen I first
go, I takes the money, I gives it to my vrow, and she
takes care of it. Now I vants my vrow to give that
two tousand dollars to that Jew s vrow.
" (How do you spell your name ?) The vrow knows
how to spell. (Hans Von Vleet.) There s a something
you cross in it. The vrow spells the rest. Ah, that s
wrong; you makes a blunder. Its V. not F. That s like
all vrows. (Do all vrows make blunders ?) Veil, I don t
know ; all do sometimes, I suppose. (Didn t you like
vrows here ?) Oh, veil, I likes em sometimes. I likes
mine own vrow. I not likes to be a vrow myself.
(Don t the clothes fit ?) Ah, veil, I suppose they fits,
but I not likes to wear what not becomes me."
It is scarcely necessary to make comments on such
horrible nonsense as this. I may recur to the subject
in future, should it appear expedient. At present I
must drop the subject of female men.
At the head of the " Message Department " is a
standing advertisement, which reads as follows :
" Our free circles are held at No. 158 Washington
street, Room No. 4 (up stairs,) on Monday, Tuesday and
Thursday afternoons. The circle-room will be open for
visitors at two o clock ; services commence at precisely
three o clock, after which time no one will be admitted.
Donations solicited."
On the days and at the hour mentioned in the above
advertisement, quite an audience assembles to hear the
messages Mrs. C. may have to deliver. If a stran
ger present should request a message from one of his
spirit-friends, he would be told that a large number of
124 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
spirits were seeking to communicate through that
" instrument," and each must await his turn ! Having
read obituary notices in the files of old newspapers,
and the published list of those recently killed in battle,
the medium has data for any number of "messages."
She talks in the style that she imagines the person
whom she attempts to personate w r ould use, being one
of the doctrines of spiritualism that a person s charac
ter and feelings are not changed by death. To make
the humbug more complete, she narrates imaginary in
cidents, asserting them to have occurred in the earth-
experience of the spirit who purports to have possession
of her at the same time she is speaking. Mediums in
various parts of the country furnish her with the names
of and facts relative to different deceased people of
their acquaintance, and those names and facts are used
by her in supplying the " Message Department " of the
" Banner of Light."
If the assumed " mediumship " of this woman was
not an imposture, some of the many people who have
visited her for the purpose of getting communications
from their spirit-friends would have been gratified. In
most of the " messages " published in the Banner, the
spirits purporting to give them, express a great desire
to have their mortal friends receive them ; but those
mortals who seek to obtain through Mrs. Conant satis
factory messages from their spirit-friends, are not grati
fied the medium riot being posted. The mediums
are as much opposed to " new tests " as a non-committal
politician.
Time and again have leading spiritualists, in various
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 125
parts of the country, indorsed as " spiritual manifesta
tions," what was subsequently proved to be an impos
ture.
Several years ago, a man by the name of Paine cre
ated a great sensation in Worcester, Mass., by causing
a table to move " without contact," he claiming that it
was done by spirits through his " mediumship." He
subsequently came to New York, and exhibited the
" manifestation " at the house of a spiritualist where
he boarded in the upper part of the city. A great
many spiritualists and not a few " skeptics " went to see
his performance. Paine was a very soft-spoken, " good
sort of a fellow," and appeared to be quite sincere in
his claims to " mediumship." He received no fee from
those who witnessed his exhibition ; and that fact, in
connection with others, tended to disarm people of sus
picion. His seances were held in the evening, and each
visitor was received by him at the door, and immedi
ately conducted to a seat next the wall of the room.
The visitors all in and seated, Mr. Paine took a seat
with the rest in the " circle." In the middle of the
room a small table had previously been placed, and the
gas had been turned partly off, leaving just enough
light to make objects look ghostly.
In order to get "harmonized," singing was indulged
in for a short time by members of the " circle." Soon
a number of raps would be heard in the direction of
the table, and one side of that piece of furniture would
be seen to rise about an inch from the floor. Some
very naturally wanted to rush to the table and investi
gate the matter more closely, but Paine forbade that
126 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
the necessary " conditions " must be observed, he said,
or there would be no further manifestation of spirit-
power. As there was no one nearer to the table than
six or eight feet, the fact of its moving, very naturally
astonished the skeptics present. Several " seeing me
diums " who attended Mr. Paine s stances, were able
to see the spirits so they declared who moved the
table. One was described as a " big Injun," who cut
various capers, and appeared to be much delighted with
the turn of affairs. Believers were wonderfully well-
pleased to know that at last a medium was " developed "
through whom the inhabitants of another world could
manifest their presence to mortals in such a way that
no one could gainsay the fact. The " invisibles " free
ly responded, by raps on the table, to various questions
asked by those in the " circle." They thumped time
to lively tunes, and seemed to have a decidedly good
time of it in their particular way. When the stance
was concluded, Mr. Paine freely permitted an examina
tion of his table.
In the Sunday Spiritual Conferences, then held in
Clinton Hall, leading spiritualists gave an account of
the " manifestations of the spirits " through Mr. Paine,
and, as believers, congratulated themselves upon the
existence of such " indubitable facts." The spiritual
ist in whose house this exhibition of table-moving
" without contact " took place, was well known as a
man of strict honesty ; and it was reasonably presumed
that no mechanical contrivance could be used without
his cognizance, in thus moving a piece of his furniture
for the table belonged to him and that he would
O
countenance a deception was out of the question.
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 127
There were in the city three gentlemen who had, for
some time, been known as spiritualists ; but they were,
at the period of Paine s debut as a medium in New
York, very skeptical with regard to tc physical manifes
tations." They had, a short time before, detected the
Davenports and other professsed mediums in the prac
tice of imposture ; and they determined not to accept,
as true, Paine s pretence to mediumship, till after a
thorough investigation of his " manifestations," they
should fail to find a material cause for them. After at
tending several of his seances, these gentlemen conclud
ed that Paine moved the table by means of a mechani
cal contrivance fixed under the floor. One of this trio
of investigators was a mechanic, and he had conceived
a way and it seemed to him the only way in which
the " manifestation " could be produced under the cir
cumstances that apparently attended it. Paine was a
mechanic, and these parties were aware of that fact.
They made an appointment with him for a private
seance. The evening fixed upon, having arrived, they
met with him at his room. The table was raised and
raps were made upon it, as had been done on previous
occasions. One of the three investigators stepped to
the door of the room, locked it, put the key in his pock
et, took off his coat, and told Mr. Paine that he was
determined to search his (Paine s) person, and that if
he did not find about him a small short iron rod, by
means of, which, through a hole in the floor, a lever
underneath was worked in moving the table, he (the
speaker) would beg his (Mr. Paine s) pardon, and be
forever after a firm believer in the power of disembod-
128 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
ied spirits to move ponderable bodies. This impressive
little speech had a decided and instant effect upon the
" medium." " Gentlemen," said the latter, " 1 might
as well own up. Please to be quietly seated, and I will
tell you all about it." And he did tell them all about
it ; subsequently repeating his confession before quite a
number of disgusted and cheaply sold spiritualists at
the " New York Spiritual Lyceum." The theory
formed by one of the three investigators referred to, as
to Paine s method of moving the table, was singularly
correct.
Whilst the family with whom Paine boarded was
away, one day, in attendance at a funeral, he took up
several of the floor boards of the back parlor, and on
the under side of them affixed a lever, with a cross-
piece at one end of it ; and, in the ends of the cross-
piece, bits of wire were inserted, the wire being just as
far apart as the legs of the table to be moved. Small
holes were made in the floor-boards for the wire to come
through to reach the table-legs. The other end of the
lever came within an inch or two of the wall. When
all the arrangements were completed, and the table
being properly placed in order to move it, Mr. Paine
had only to insert one end of a short iron rod in a hole
in the heel of his boot, put the other end of the rod
through a hole in the floor, just under the edge of the
carpet near the wall, and then press the rod down upon
the end of the lever.
The movements necessary in fixing the iron rod to
its place were executed while he was picking up his
handkerchief, that he had purposely dropped.
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 129
The middle of the lever was attached to the floor,
and the end with the cross-piece, being the heavier,
brought the other end close up against the floor, the
wires in the cross-piece having their points just within
the bottom of the holes in the floor. The room was
carpeted, and there were little marks on the carpet,
known only to Paine, that enabled him to know just
where to place the table. Pressing down the end of
the lever nearest the wall, an inch would bring the
wires in the cross-piece on the other end of the lever
against the leo-s of the table, and slightlv raise the lat-
& o o .<
ter. One of the wires would strike the table-leg a
very little before the other did, and that enabled the
" medium " to very nicely rap time to the tunes that
were sung or played. Of course, no holes that any
one could observe would be made in the carpet by the
passage of the wires through it.
For appearance sake, Paine, before his detection,
visited, by invitation, the houses of several different
spiritualists, for the purpose of holding seances ; but he
never got a table to move " without contact " in any
other than the place where he had properly prepared
the conditions.
G*
130 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
CHAPTER XVI.
SPIRITUALIST HUMBUGS WAKING UP. FOSTER HEARD
FROM. S. B. BR1TTAN HEARD FROM. THE BOSTON
ARTISTS AND THEIR SPIRITUAL PORTRAITS. THE
WASHINGTON MEDIUM AND HIS SPIRITUAL HANDS.
THE DAVENPORT BROTHERS AND THE SEA-CAPTAIN S
WHEAT-FLOUR. THE DAVENPORT BROTHERS ROUGH
LY SHOWN UP BY JOHN BULL. HOW A SHINGLE
" STUMPED " THE SPIRITS.
I hear from spiritualists sometimes. These gentry
are much exercised in their minds by my letters about
them, and some of them fly out at me very much as
bumble-bees do at one who stirs up their nest. For in
stance, I received, not long ago, from my good friends,
Messrs. Cauldwell & Whitney, an anonymous letter
to them, dated at Washington, and suggesting that if
I would attend what the latter calls " a seance of that
celebrated humbug, Foster," I should see something
that I could not explain. Now, this anonymous letter,
as I know by a spiritual communication, (or otherwise,)
is in a handwriting very wonderfully like that of Mr.
Foster himself. And as for the substance of it, it is
very likely that Foster has now r gotten up some new
tricks. He needs them. The exhibiting mediums
O
must, of course, contrive new tricks as fast as Dr. Von
Vleck and men like him show up their old ones. It is
the universal method of all sorts of impostors to adopt
new means of fooling people when their old ones are
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 131
exposed. And Mr. Foster shall have all the attention
he wants if I ever find the leisure to bestow on him,
though my time is fully occupied with worthier objects.
I have also been complimented with a buzz and an
attempt to sting from my old friend S. B. Brittan, the
ex-Universalist minister the very surprisingly effi
cient " man Friday " of Andrew Jackson Davis, in the
production of the " Revelations " of the said Davis, and
also ghost-fancier in general ; who has .gently aired
part of his vocabulary in a communication to the " Ban
ner of Light," with the heading " Exposed for Two
Shillings." I can afford very well to expose friend
Biittan and his spiritualist humbugs for two shillings.
The honester the cheaper. It evidently vexes the
spiritualists to have their ghosts put with the monkeys
in the Museum. They can t help it, though ; and it is
my deliberate opinion that the monkeys are much the
most respectable. I have no wish to displease any honest
person ; but the more the spiritualists squirm, and snarl,
and scold, and call names, the more they show that I
am hurting them. Or does my friend Brittan him
self want an engagement at the Museum ? Will he pro
duce some " manifestations" there, and get that $500 ?
the money is ready !
A valued friend of mine has furnished me a pleasant
and true narrative of a fine " spiritual " humbug which
took place in a respectable Massachusetts village not
\ery long ago. I give the story in his own graphic
words :
" Two artists of Boston, tired of the atmosphere of
their studios, resolved themselves, in joint session, into
132 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
spiritual mediums, as a means of raising the wind or
the devil and of getting a little fresh air in the rural
districts. One of them had learned Mansfield s trick
of answering communications and that of writing on
the arms. They had large handbills printed, announc
ing that " Mr. W. Howard, the celebrated test-medium,
would visit the town of , and would remain at
the Hotel during three days." One of the artists
preceded the other by a few hours, engaged rooms, and
attended to sundry preliminaries. " Mr. Howard "
donned a white choker, put his hair behind his ears,
and mounted a pair of plain glass spectacles ; and such
was his profoundly spiritual appearance on entering his
apartments at the hotel, that he had to lock the door
and give his partner opportunity to explode, and abso
lutely roll about on the floor with laughter.
" Well, they rigged a clothes-horse for a screen ; and
to heighten the effect, the assistant, who was expert in
portraiture, covered this screen, and, indeed, the walls
of the room, with scraggy outlines of the human coun
tenance upon large sheets of paper. These, they said,
were executed by the draftsman, whose right hand,
when under spiritual influence, uncontrollably jerked
off these likenesses. They added, that the spirits had
given information that, before the mediums left town,
the people would recognize these pictures as likenesses
of persons there deceased within twenty years or so.
Price, two dollars each ! They absolutely sold quite a
large number of these portraits, as they were from time
to time recognized by surviving friends ! The operation
of drawi.ig portraits was alsolllustrated at certain hours,
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 133
admission, fifty cents ; if not satisfactory, the money
returned.
" Other tricks of various kinds were performed with
pleasure to all parties and profit to the performers. The
artists stood it as long as they could, and then departed.
But there was every indication that the towns-people
would have stood it until this day."
Thus far my friend s curious and truthful account.
A little while ago, there was exhibiting, at Washing
ton, a " test-medium " whose name I would print, were
it not that I do not want to advertise him. One of his
most impressive feats was, to cause spiritual hands and
other parts of the human frame to appear in the air
a la Davenport Brothers. A gentleman, whose name I
also know very well indeed, but have particular reasons
for not mentioning, went one day to see this " test-
medium," along with a friend, and asked to see a hand.
" Certainly," the medium said ; and the room was dark
ened, and the " circle " made round the table in the
usual manner. After about five minutes, my friend,
who had contrived to place himself pretty near the me
dium, saw, sure enough, a dim glimmering blue light
in the air, a foot or so before and above the head of the
medium. In a minute, he could see, dimly outlined in
this blue light, the form of a hand, back toward him,
fingers together, and no thumb.
" Why is no thumb visible ? " asked my friend of the
medium in a solemn manner.
" The reason is," said the medium, still more solemn
ly, " that the spirits have not power enough to produce
a whole hand and so they exhibit as much as they can."
. I
134 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
, " And do they always show hands without thumbs ? "
" Yes."
Here my friend, with a sudden jump, grabbed for the
place where the wrist of the mysterious hand ought to
be. Strange to relate, he caught it, and held it stoutly,
to. A light was quickly had, when, still stranger, the
spirit-hand was clearly seen to be the fleshy paw of the
medium and a fat paw it was too. Mr. Medium
took the matter with the coolness of a thorough rascal,
and, lighting a cigar, merely observed :
" Well gentlemen, you needn t trouble yourselves to
come here any more ! "
He also insisted on his usual fee of five dollars, until
threatened with a prosecution for swindling.
The secret of this worthy gentleman is simple and
soon told. Holding one hand up in the air, he held up
with the other, between the thumb and finger, a little
pinch of phosphorus and bi-sulphide of carbon, which
gave the blue light. If inconvenient to hold up the
other hand, he had a reserve pinch of blue-light under
that invisible thumb. It is a curious instance of the
thorough credulity of genuine spiritualists that a believer
in this wretched rogue, on being circumstantially told
this whole story, not only steadily and firmly refused to
credit it, and continued his faith in the fellow, but abso
lutely would not go to see the application of any other
test. That s the sort of follower that is worth having !
Another case was witnessed as follows, by the very
same person on whose authority I give the spirit-hand
story. He was present also, this time in Washington,
as it happened, at an exhibition by a certain pair of spirit-
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 135
ual brothers, since well known as the " Davenport
Brothers."
These chaps, after the fashion of their kind, caused
themselves to be tied up in a rope, an old sea-captain
tying them. This done, their " shop" or cabinet, was
shut upon them as usual, and the bangs, throwing of
sticks, etc., through a window, and the like, took place.
Well, this sly and inconvenient old sea-captain now slip
ped out of the hall a few minutes, and came back with
some wheat flour. Having tied up the " brothers "
again, be remarked :
" Now, gentlemen, please to take, each, your two
hands full of wheat flour."
The " brothers " got mad and flatly refused. Then
they cooled down and argued, saying it wouldn t make
any difference, and was of no use.
" Well, 7 said the ancient mariner, u if it won t make
any difference you can just as well do it, can t you? "
The audience, seeing the point, were so evidently
pleased with the old sailor, that the grumbling "broth
ers " though with a very bad grace, took their fists full
of flour, and were shut up.
There was not the least sign of a " manifestation "
no more than if the wheat-flour had shot the " broth
ers " dead in their tracks. The audience were immensely
delighted. The " brothers," since that time, have learn
ed to perform some tricks with flour in their fists, but
only when tied by their own friends.
Since these facts came to my knowledge, the Daven
port Brothers have suffered an unpleasant exposure in
Liverpool, in England, the details of which have been
136 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
, kindly forwarded to me by attentive friends there. The
circumstances in question occurred on the evenings of
Tuesday and Wednesday, February 14 and 15,1865.
On the first of these evenings, a gentleman named Cum
mins, selected by the audience as one of the Tying
Committee, tied one of the Brothers, and a Mr. Hulley,
the other committee-man, the other. But the Brothers
saw instantly that they could not wriggle out of these
knots. They, therefore, refused to let the tying be finish
ed, saying that it was " brutal " although a surgeon
present said it w^as not ; one tied brother was untied by
Ferguson, the agent ; and then the Brothers went to
work and performed their various tricks without the
supervison of any committee, but amid a constant fire
of derision, laughter, groans, shouts, and epithets from
the audience. On the next evening, the audience insist
ed on having the same committee ; the Brothers were
very reluctant to allow it, but had to do so after a long
time. Ira Davenport refused again, however, instantly
to be tied, as soon as he saw what knot Mr. Cummins
was going to use. Cummins, however, though Ira
squirmed most industriously, got him tied fast, and then
Ira called to Ferguson to cut the knot ! Ferguson did
so, and cut Ira s hand. Ira now shewed the blood to
the audience, and the Brothers, with an immense pre
tense of indignation, went off the stage. Cummins at
once explained ; the audience became disgusted, and,
enraged at the impudence of the imposture, broke
over the foot-lights, knocked Ferguson backward into
the " cabinet ; " and when the discomfited agent had
scrambled out and run away, smashed the thing fairly
THE SPIRITUALISTS. loT
into kindling-wood, and carried it off, all distributed
into splinters and chips. Early next morning, the ter
rified Davenports ran away out of Liverpool ; and a
number of the audience were, at last accounts, intending
to go to law to get back the money paid for an exhibition
which they did not see.
The very thorough exposure of the Davenports thus
made is an additional proof if such were needed of
the truth of \vhat I have alleged about the impostures
perpetrated by them and their " mysterious " brethren
of the exhibiting sort.
Once the " spirits " were " stumped " with a shingle
a very proper yankee jaw-bone of an ass to route
such disembodied Philistines. One day a certain per
son was present where some tables were rambling about,
and other revolutions taking place in the furniture-
business, when he stepped boldly forth like a herald
bearing defiance, and cast down a common white pine
shingle upon the floor. " There," said he, coolly, " if
you can trot those tables about in that style, do it with
that shingle. Make it go about the room. Make it
move an inch ! " And lo, and behold ! the shingle lay
perfectly still.
138 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
CHAPTER XVII.
THE DAVENPORT BROTHERS SHOWN UP ONCE MORE.
DR. NEWTON AT CHICAGO. THE SPIRITUALIST BOGUS
BABY. A LADY BRINGS FORTH A MOTIVE FORCE.
" GUM " ARABIC. SPIRITUALIST HEBREW. THE
ALLEN BOY. DR. RANDALL. PORTLAND EVENING
COURIER. THE FOOLS NOT ALL DEAD YET.
Other " spiritual " facts have come to my hand, some
of them furnishing additional details about persons to
whom I have already alluded, and others being impor
tant to illustrate some general tendencies of spiritual
ism.
And first, about the Davenport Brothers ; they have
met with another "awful exposure," at the hands of a
merciless Mr. Addison. This gentleman is a London
stockbroker, and his cool, sharp business habits seem to
have stood him in good stead in taking some fun out of
the fools who follow the Davenports. Mr. Addison, it
seems, went to work, and, just to amuse his friends, ex
ecuted all the Davenport tricks. Upon this the spirit
ualist newspapers in England, which, like the Boston
Herald of Progress, claim to believe in the " Brothers,"
came out and said that Addison was a very wonderful
medium indeed. On this the cold-blooded Addison at
once printed a letter, in which he not only said he had
done all their tricks without spiritual aid, but he more
over explained exactly how he caught the Davenports
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 139
in their impositions. He and a long-legged friend went
to one of the " dark sdances " of the Davenports, dur
ing which musical instruments were to fly about over
the heads of the audience, bang their pates, thrum,
twang, etc. Addison and his friend took a front seat ;
as soon as the lights were put out they put out their
legs too ; stretching as far as possible ; and, to use the
unfeeling language of Mr. Addison, they " soon had
the satisfaction of feeling some one falling over them."
They then caught hold of an arm, from which a guitar
was forthwith let drop on the floor. In order to be
certain who the guitar-carrier was, they waited until
the next time the lights were put out, took each a
mouthful of dry flour, and blew it out right among the
" manifestations." When the lamps were lighted, lo
and behold ! there was Fay, the agent and manager of
the Davenports, with his back all powdered with flour.
Addison showed this to an . acquaintance, who said,
" Yes, he saw the flour ; but he could not understand
what made Addison and his friend laugh so excessively
at it."
The spiritualist newspapers don t think Addison is so
great a medium as they did !
Great accounts have recently come eastward from
*
Chicago, of a certain Doctor Newton, who is said to be
working miracles by the hundred in the way of healing
diseases. This man operates with exactly the weapons
all the miracle-workers, quacks, and impostors, ancient
and modern use. All of them have appealed to the
imaginations of their patients, and no person acquainted
with mental philosophy is ignorant that many a sick
140 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
man has been cured either by medicine and imagination
together, or by imagination alone. Therefore, even if
this Newton should really be the cause of the recovery
of some persons from their ailments, it would be no
more a miracle than if Dr. Mott should do it ; nor
would Newton be any the less a quack and a humbug.
Newton has operated at the East already. He had
a career at New Haven and Hartford, and in other
places, before he steered westward in the wake of the
"Star of Empire." What he does is simply to ask
what is the matter, and where it hurts. Then he sticks
his thumb into the seat of the difficulty, or he pokes or
strokes or pats it, as the case may be. Then he says,
"There you re cured! God bless you! Take
yourself off ! "
Chicago must be a credulous place, for we are in
formed of immense crowds besieging this man, and un
dergoing his manipulations. One of the Chicago pa
pers, having little faith and a good deal of fun which
in such cases is much better published some burlesque
stories and certificates about " Doctor " Newton, some
of them humorous enough. There is a certificate from
a woman with fourteen children, all having the measles
at once. She says that no sooner had Doctor Newton
received one lock of hair of one of them, than the
measles left them all, and she now has said measles
corked up in a bottle ! Another case was that of a
merchant who had lost his strength, but went and was
stroked by Newton, and the very next day was able to
lift a note in bank, which had before been altogether
too heavy for him. There was also an old lady, whose
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 141
story I fear was imitated from Hood s funny conceit of
the deaf woman who bought an ear-trumpet, which
was so effective that
" The very next day
She heard from her husband in Botany Bay ! "
The Chicago old lady in like manner, after having
had Doctor Newton s thumbs "jobbed " into her ears,
certifies that she heard next morning from her son in
California.
One would think that this ridicule would put the
learned Dr. Newton to flight ; but it will not until he
is through with the fools.
I have already given an account of some of the mes
sages from the other world in the " Banner of Light,"
in which some of the spirits explain that they have
turned into women since they died. This is by no
means the first remarkable trick that the spirits have
performed upon the human organization. Here is what
they did at High Rock, in Massachusetts, a number of
years ago. It beats Joanna Southcott in funny absurd
ity, if not in blasphemy.
At High Rock, in the year 1854 or thereabouts, cer
tain spiritualist people were building some mysterious
machinery. While this was in process of erection, a
female medium, of considerable eminence in those parts,
was informed by certain spirits, with great solemnity
and pomp, that " she would become the Mary of a new
dispensation ; " that is, she was going to be a mother.
Well, this was all proper, no doubt, and the lady her
self so say the spiritualist accounts had for some
time experienced indications that she was pregnant
142 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
These indications continued, and became increasingly
obvious, and also, it was observed, a little queer in some
particulars.
After a while, one Spear a " Reverend Mr. Spear "
who was mixed up, it appears, with the machinery-
part of the business, and who was a medium himself,
transmitted to the lady a request from the spirits that
she would visit said Spear at High Rock on a* certain
day. She did so, of course ; and while there was un
expectedly taken with the pains of childbirth, which the
spiritualist authorities say, were " internal " where
should they be, pray ? and " of the spirit rather than
of the physical nature ; but were, nevertheless, quite as
uncontrollable as those of the latter, and not less severe."
The labor proceeded. It lasted two hours. As it
went on, lo and behold ! one part and another part of
the machinery began to move ! And when, at the end
of the two hours, the parturition was safely over, all the
machinery was going !
The lady had given birth to a Motive Force. Does
anybody suppose I am manufacturing this story ? Not
a bit of it. It is all told at length in a book published
by a spiritualist ; and probably a good many of my read
ers will remember about it.
Well, the baby had to be nursed fact ! This
superhumanly silly female actually went through the
motions of nursing the motive force for some weeks.
Though how the thing sucked Excuse me, ladies ; I
would not discuss such delicate subjects did not the in
terests of truth require it.
If I had been the physician, at any rate, I think I
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 143
should have recommended to hire a healthy female
steam-engine for a wet nurse to this young motive force ;
say a locomotive, for instance. I feel sure the thing
would have lived if it could have had a guao-e-faucet
O ?5
or something of that sort to draw on. But the medi
cal folks in charge chose to permit the mother to
nurse the child, and she not being able to supply proper
nutriment, the poor little innocent faded if that
word be appropriate for what couldn t be seen, and
finally >c crin eout ; " and the machinery, after some
abortive joggles and turns, stood hopelessly still.
This story is true that is, it is true that the story
was told, the pretences were gone through, and the
birth was actually believed by a good many people.
Some of them were prodigiously enthusiastic about it,
and called the invisible brat the New Motive Power,
the Physical Savior, Heaven s Last Best Gift to Man,
the New Creation, the Great Spiritual Revelation of the
Age, the Philosopher s Stone, the Act of all Acts, and
so on, and so forth.
The great question of all was, Who was the daddy ?
I don t know of anybody s asking this question, but its
importance is extreme and obvious. For if things like
this are going to happen, the ladies will be afraid to sleep
alone in the house if so much as a sewing-machine or
apple-corer be about, and will not dare take solitary
walks along any stream where there is a water power.
A couple of miscellaneous anecdotes may not inappro
priately be appended to this story of monstrous delu
sion.
Once a " writing medium" was producing sentences
144 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
in various foreign languages. One of these was Arabic.
An enthusiastic youth, a half-believer, after inspecting
the wondrous scroll, handed it to his seat-mate, a pro
fessor (as it happened) in one of our oldest colleges, and
a man of real learning. The professor scrutinized the
idocument. What was the youth s delight to hear him
at last observe gravely, " It is a ki?id of Arabic, sure
enough ! "
" What kind ? " asked the young man with intense
interest.
u Gum-arabic," said the professor.
The spirit of the prophet Daniel came one night into
the apartment of a medium named Fowler, # and right
before his eyes, he said, wrote down some marks on a
piece of paper. These were shown to the Reverend
George Bush, Professor of Hebrew in the New- York
University, who said that they were " a few verses
from the last chapter of Daniel " and were learnedly
written. Bush was a spiritualist as well as a professor
of Hebrew, and he ought to have known better than to
indorse spirit-Hebrew ; for shortly there came others,
who, to use a rustic phrase, " took the rag off the Bush."
These inconvenient personages were three or four per
sons of learning : one a Jew, who proved that the doc
ument was an attempt to copy the verses in question,
by some one so ignorant of Hebrew as not to know that
it is written backward, that is, from right to left.
During the last few months, a " boy medium," by the
name of Henry B. Allen, thirteen years of age, has
been astonishing people in various parts of the country
by u Physical Manifestations in the Light." The exlii-
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 145
bitions of this precocious youngster have been " manag
ed " by a Dr. Randall, who also lectures upon Spirit
ualism, expounding its " beautiful philosophy." For a
number of weeks this couple held forth in Boston, some
times giving several seances during the day, not more
than thirty being allowed to attend at one time, each of
whom were required to pay an admission fee of one
dollar.
" The Banner of Light " fully indorsed this Allen boy,
and gave lengthy accounts of his manifestations. The
arrangements for his exhibition were very simple. A
dulcimer, guitar, bell, and small drum being placed on
a sofa or several chairs set against the wall, a clothes-
horse was set in front of them and covered with a blan
ket, which came to the floor. To obtain " manifesta
tions," a person was required to take off his coat and sit
with his back to the clothes-horse. The medium then
took a seat close to, and facing the investigator s left
side, and grasped the left arm of the latter on the under
side, above the elbow, with his (the medium s) right hand
and near the wrist with the other hand. The " manag
er " then covered with a coat, the arms and left shoulder
of the medium including the left arm of the investigator.
The medium soon commenced to wriggle and twist
the " manager " said he was always nervous under u in
fluence " and worked the coat away from the position
in which it had been placed. Taking his right hand
from the investigator s arm, he readjusted the coat, and
availed himself of that opportunity to get the investiga
tor s wrist between his (the medium s) left arm and
knee. That brought his left hand in such a position that
7
146 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
with it he could grasp the investigator s arm where he
had previously grasped it with his right hand. With
the latter he could then reach around the edge of the
clothes-horse and make a noise on the instruments. With
the drumsticks he thumped on the dulcimer. Taking
the guitar by the neck, he could vibrate the strings and
show the body of the instrument above the clothes-horse,
without any one seeing his hand ! All persons present
were so seated that they could not see behind the
clothes-horse, or have a view of the medium s right
shoulder. When asked why people were not allowed to
occupy such a position, that they could have a fair view
of the instruments when sounded, the "manager" re
plied that he did not exactly know, but presumed it was
because the magnetic emanations from the eves of the
O -
beholders would prevent the spirits being able to move
the instruments at all ! What was claimed to be a
spirit-hand was often shown above the clothes-horse,
where it flickered for an instant and was withdrawn ;
but it was invariably a right hand with the wrist toward
the medium. When the person sitting with the medium
was asked if the hands of the latter had constantly hold
of his arm, he replied in the affirmative. Of course,
he felt what he supposed to be both the medium s
hands ; but as I before explained, the pressure on his
wrist was from the medium s left arm the left hand
of whom, by means of a very accommodating crook in
the elbow, was grasping the investigator s arm where
the medium s right hand was supposed to be.
From Boston the Allen boy went to Portland,
Maine, where he succeeded " astonishingly," till some
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 147
gentleman applied the lampblack test to his assumed
mediumship, whereupon he " came to grief."
The following is copied from the " Portland Daily
Press," of March 21.
"EXPOSED. The wonderful spiritual manifestations
of the boy-medium, Master Henry B. Allen, in charge ot
Doctor J.H. Randall, of Boston, were brought to a sad
end last evening by the impertinent curiosity and wicked
doings of some of the gentlemen present at the seance at
Congress Hall.
"As usual, one of the company present was selected to
sit at the side of the boy, and allowed his hand and arm
to be held by both hands of the boy while the manifesta
tions were going on. The boy seized hold of the gentle
man s wrist with his left hand, and his shoulder, or near
it, with the right hand. The manifestations then began,
and among them was one trick of pulling the gentleman s
hair.
"Immediately after this trick was performed, the hand
of the boy was discovered to be very black from lamp
black, of the best quality, with which the gentleman
had dressed his head on purpose to detect whose was the
spirit-hand that pulled his hair. His shirt-sleeve, upon
which the boy immediately replaced his hand after pull
ing his hair, was also black where the hand had been
placed. The gentleman stated the. facts to the company
present, and the seance broke up. Dr. Randall refunded
the fifty cents admission fee to those present."
The spiritualists of the city were somewhat
J
by this expose, but soon rallied as one of their number
announced a new discovery in spiritual science. Here
it is, as stated by himself:
" Whatever the electrical or spirit-hand touches,
will inevitably be transferred to the hand of the medium
148 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
in every instance, unless something occurs to prevent
the full operation of the law by which this result is pro
duced. The spirit- hand being composed in part of the
magnetic elements drawn from the medium, when it is
dissolved again, and the magnetic fluid returns whence
it came, it must of necessity carry with it whatever ma
terial substance it has touched, and leave it deposited
upon the surface or material hand of the medium. This
is a scientific question. How many innocent mediums
have been wronged ? and the invisible have permitted
it, until we should discover that it was the natural re
sult of a natural law."
What a great discovery ! and how lucidly it is set
forth ! The author (who, by the way, is editor of the
" Portland Evening Courier") of this new discovery,
was not so modest but that he hastened to announce and
claim full credit for it in the columns of the " Banner of
Light" - the editor of which journal congratulates him
on having done so much for the cause of spiritualism !
Those skeptics who were present when the lamp-black
was " transferred " from the gentleman s hair to the me
dium s hand, rashly concluded that the boy was an im
postor. It remained for Mr. Hall that is the philoso
pher s name to make the " electro-magnetic transfer "
discovery. The Allen boy ought ever to hold him in
grateful remembrance for coming to his rescue at such
a critical period, when the spirits would not vouchsafe
an explanation that would exculpate him from the griev
ous charge of imposture. Mr. Hall deserves a leather
medal now, and a soapstone monument when he is
dead.
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 149
A person, whose initials are the same as the gentle
man s named above, once lived in Aroostook, Maine, and
was in the habit of attending " spiritual circles," in
which he was sometimes influenced as a " personating
medium," and to represent the symptoms of the disease
which caused the controlling spirit s translation to
another sphere. It having been reported in Aroostook
that a certain well-known individual, living further east,
had died of cholera, a desire was expressed at the next
" circle " to have him u manifest " himself. The me
dium above referred to got " under influence," and per
sonated, with an exhibition of all the symptoms of
cholera, the gentleman who was reported to have died
of that disease. So faithful to the supposed facts was
the representation, that the medium had to be cared for
as if he was himself a veritable cholera-patient. Sev
eral days after, the man who was " personated " ap
peared in Aroostook, alive and well, never having been
attacked with the cholera. The local papers gave a
graphic account of the " manifestation " soon after it
occurred.
But to return to the Allen boy. After his exposure
by means of the lamp-black test, and Mr. Hall, of the
" Portland Evening Courier," had announced his new
discovery in spiritual science, several of the Portland spir
itualists had a private " sitting * with the boy. While
he sat with, his hands upon the arm of one of their num
ber, they tied a rope to his wrists, and around the per
son s arm, covering his hands in the way I have be
fore described. After some wriorffling and twistino*
OO 3 3
(the usual amount of u nervousness,") the bell was
150 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
heard to ring behind the clothes-horse. The boy s
right hand was then examined, and it was found to be
stained with some colored matter that had previously
been put upon the handle of the bell. As the boy s
wrists were still tied, and the rope remained upon the
man s arm, the " transfer " theory was considered to be
established as a fact, and the previous exposure shown
to be not only no exposure at all, but a " stepping-stone
to a grand truth in spiritual science." Again ami again
did these persistent and infatuated spiritualists try what
they call the " transfer test," varying with. each exper
iment the coloring-material used, and every time the bell
was rung the medium s right hand was found out to be
stained with what had been put upon the bell-handle.
By having a little slack-rope between his wrist and the
man s arm, it was not a difficult matter for the medium,
while his " nervousness " was beino- manifested, to set
r> " o
hold of the bell and ring it, and to make sounds upon the
strings of the dulcimer or guitar, with a drumstick that
the " manager " had placed at a convenient distance
from his (the boy s) hand.
The u Portland Daily Press," in noticing a lecture
against Spiritualism, recently delivered by Dr. Von
Vleck, in that city, says: u He (Dr. V. V.) per
formed the principal feats of the Allen boy, with his
hands tied to the arm of the person with whom he was
in communication."
Horace Greeley says that if a man will be a consum
mate jackass and fool, he is not aware of anything in
the Constitution to prevent it. I believe Mr. Greeley
is right ; and I think no one can reasonably be expect-
THE SPIRITUALISTS. 151
ed to exercise common sense unless he is known to pos
sess it. It is quite natural, therefore, that many of the
spiritualists, lacking common sense, should pretend to
have something better.
III. TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS.
CHAPTER XVIII.
ADULTERATIONS OF FOOD. ADULTERATIONS OF LIQUOR.
THE COLONEL S WHISKEY. THE HUMBUGOMETER.
It was about eight hundred and fifty years before
Christ when the young prophet cried out to his master,
Elisha, over the pottage of wild gourds, " There is
death in the pot ! " It was two thousand six hundred
and seventy years afterward, in 1820, that Accum, the
chemist cried out over again, " There is death in the
pot ! " in the title page of a book so named, which
gave almost everybody a pain in the stomach, with its
horrid stories of the unhealthful humbugs sold for food
and drink. This excitement has been stirred up more
than once since Mr. Accum s time, with some success ;
yet nothing is more certain than that a very large pro
portion of the food we eat, of the liquid we drink
always excepting good well-filtered water and the
medicines we take, not to say a word about the clothes
we wear and the miscellaneous merchandise we use,
is more or less adulterated with cheaper materials.
Sometimes these are merely harmless; as flour, starch,
annatto, lard, etc. ; sometimes they are vigorous, de
structive poisons as red lead, arsenic, strychnine, oil
of vitriol, potash, etc.
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 153
It is not agreeable to find ourselves so thickly beset
by humbugs ; to find that we are not merely called on
to see them, to hear them, to believe them, to invest
capital in them, but to eat and drink them. Yet so it
is ; and, if my short discussion of this kind of humbug
shall make people a little more careful, and help them
to preserve their health, I shall think myself fortunate.
To begin with bread. Alum is very commonly put
into it by the bakers, to make it white. Flour of infe
rior quality, "runny " flour, and even that from wormy
wheat ground-up worms, bugs, and all is often
mixed in as much as the case will bear. Potato flour
has been known to be mixed with wheat ; and so, thirty
years ago, were plaster-of-Paris, bone-dust, white clay,
etc. But these are little used now, if at all ; and the
worst thing in bread, aside from bad flour, which is bad
enough, is usually the alum. It is often put in ready
mixed with salt, and it accomplishes two things, viz.,
to make the bread white, and to suck up a good deal
of water, and make the bread weigh well. It has been
sometimes found that the alum was put in at the mill
instead of the bakery.
Milk is most commonly adulterated with cold water ;
and many are the jokes on the milkmen about their best
cow being choked etc., by a turnip in the pump-spout
- their " cow with the wooden tail " (i. e., the pump-
handle,) and so on. Awful stories are told about the
London milkmen, who are said to manufacture a fear
ful kind of medicine to be sold as milk, the cream being
made of a quantity of calf s brain beaten to a slime.
Stories are told around New York, too, of a mysteri-
7*
154 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
ous powder sold by druggists, which with water makes
milk ; but it is milk that must be used quickly, or it
turns into a curious mess. But the worst adulteration
of milk is to adulterate the old cow herself; as is done
in the swill-milk establishments which received such an
exposure a. few years ago in a city paper. This milk is
still furnished ; and many a poor little baby is daily
suffering convulsions from its effects. So difficult is it
to find real milk for babies in the city, that physicians
often prescribe the use of what is called " condensed "
milk instead ; which, though very different from milk
not evaporated, is at least made of the genuine article.
A series of careful experiments to develop the milk-
humbug was made by a competent physician in Boston
within a few years, but he found the milk there (aside
from swill-milk) adulterated with nothing worse than
f O
water, salt, and burnt sugar.
Tea is bejuggled first by John Chinaman, who is a
very cunning rascal ; and second, by the seller here.
Green and black tea are ma:le from the same plant, but
by different processes the green being most expensive.
To meet the increased demand for green tea, Master
John takes immense quantities of black tea and " paints "
it, by stirring into it over a fire a fine powder of plaster
Paris and Prussian-blue, at the rate of half a pound to
each hundred pounds of tea. John also sometimes
takes a very cheap kind, and puts on a nice gloss by stir
ring it in gum-water, with some stove-polish in it. We
may imagine ourselves, after drinking this kind of tea,
with a beautiful black gloss on ourinsides. John more
over, manufactures vast quantities of what he plainly
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 155
calls " Lie-tea/ This is dust and refuse of tea-leaves
and other leaves, made up with dust and starch or gum
into little lumps, and used to adulterate better tea.
Seven hundred and fifty thousand pounds of this nice
stuff were imported into England in one period of eight
een months. It seems to be used in New-York only for
green tea.
Coffee is adulterated with chicory-root (which costs
only about one-third as much) dandelion-root, peas,
beans, mangold-wurzel, wheat, rye, acorns, carrots, pars
nips, horse-chestnuts, and sometimes with livers of horses
and cattle ! All these things are roasted or baked to the
proper color and consistency, and then mixed in. Xo
great sympathy need be expended on those who suffer
from this particular humbug, however ; for when it is so
easy to buy the real berry, and roast or at least grind it
one s self, it is our own fault if our laziness leaves us to
eat all those sorts of stuff.
Cocoa is " extended " with sugar, starch, flour, iron-
rust, Venetian-red, grease, and various earths. But it
is believed by pretty good authority that the American-
made preparations of cocoa are nearly or quite pure.
Even if they are not the whole bean can be used instead.
Butter and lard have one tenth, and sometimes even
one-quarter, of water mixed up in them. It is easy to
find this out by melting a sample before the fire and
putting it away to cool, when the humbug appears by
the grease going up, and the water, perhaps turbid with
whey, settling below.
Honey is humbugged with sugar or molasses. Sugar
is not often sanded as the old stories have it. Fine
156 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
white sugar is sometimes floured pretty well ; and
brown sugar is sometimes made of a portion of good
sugar with a cheaper kind mixed in. Inferior brown
sugars are often full of a certain crab-like animalcule
or minute bug, often visible without a microscope, in
water where the sugar is dissolved. It is believed that
this pleasing insect sometimes gets into the skin, and
produces a kind of itch. I do not believe there is much
danger of adulteration in good loaf or crushed white
sugar, or good granulated or brown sugar.
Pepper is mixed with line dust, dirt, linseed-meal,
ground rice, or mustard and wheat-flour; ginger, with
wheat flour colored by turmeric and reinforced by
cayenne. Cinnamon is sometimes not present at all in
what is so called the stuff being the inferior and
cheaper cassia bark ; sometimes it is only part, cassia ;
sometimes the humbug part of it is flour and ochre.
Cayenne-pepper is mixed with corn-meal and salt,
Venetian-red, mustard, brickdust, fine sawdust, and red-
lead. Mustard with flour and turmeric. Confectionery
is often poisoned with Prussian-blue, Antwerp-blue,
gamboge, ultramarine, chrome yellow, red-lead, white-
lead, vermillion, Brunswick-green, and Scheele s green,
or arsenite of copper ! Never buy any confectionery
that is colored or painted. Vinegar is made of whisky,
or of oil of vitriol. Pickles have verdigris in them to
make them a pretty green. " Pretty green " he must
be who will eat bought pickles ! Preserved fruits often
have verdigris in them, too.
An awful list ! Imagine a meal of such bewitched
food, where the actual articles are named. " Take
.TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 157
some of the alum bread." " Have a cup of pea-soup
and chicory-coffee ? " " I ll trouble you for the oil-of-
vitriol, if you please." " Have some sawdust on your
meat, or do you prefer this flour and turmeric mus
tard ? " "A piece of this verdigris-preserve goose
berry pie, Madam?" "Won t you put a few more
sugar- bugs in your ash-leaf tea?" "Do you prefer
black tea, or Prussian-blue tea ? " " Do you like your
tea with swill-milk, or without ? "
I have not left myself space to speak of the tricks
played by the druggists and the liquor-dealers ; but I
propose to devote another chapter exclusively to the
adulteration of liquors in this country. It is a subject
so fearful and so important that nothing less than a chap
ter can do it justice. I must now end with a story or
two and a suggestion or two,
Old Colonel P. sold much whisky ; and his manner
was to sell by sample out of a pure barrel over night,
at 3 marvelous cheap rate, and then to " rectify " before
"morning, under pretence of coopering and marking.
Certain persons having a grudge against the Colonel,
once made an arrangement with a carman, who exe
cuted their plan, thus : He went to the Colonel, and
asked to see whisky. The jolly old fellow took him
down stairs and showed him a great cellar full. Car
man samples a barrel. " Fust rate, Colonel, how d ye
sell it ? " Colonel names his price on the rectified ba
sis. " Well, Colonel, how much yer got ? " " So
many barrels two or three hundred." " Colonel,
here s your money. I ll take the lot." " All right,"
says Colonel P. ; " there s some coopering to be done
158 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
on it ; some of the hoops and heads are a very little
loose. You shall have it all in the mornino-." "No,
JT 1
Colonel, we ll roll it right out this minnit ! My trucks
are up there, all ready." And, sure enough, he had
a string of a dozen or more brigaded in the street. The
Colonel was sadly dumbfounded; he turned several
colors red mostly stammered, made excuses. It
was no go, the whisky was the customer s, and the game
was up. The humbugged old humbug finally " came
down," and bought his man off by paying him several
hundred dollars.
There is a much older and better known story about
a grocer who was a deacon, and who was heard to call
down stairs before breakfast, to his clerk : " John, have
you watered the rum? " " Yes, Sir." " And sanded
the sugar ? " " Yes, Sir." " And dusted the pep
per ? " " Yes, Sir." " And chicoried the coffee ? "
"Yes, Sir." "Then come up to prayers." Let us
hope that the grocers of the present day, while tl^ey
adulterate less, do not pray less.
Between 1851 and 1854, Mr. Wakley of the " Lon
don Lancet " gave an awful roasting to the adulteration-
interest in London. He employed an able analyzer,
who began by going about without telling what he was
at; and buying a great number of samples of all kinds
of food, drugs, etc., at a great number of shops. Then
he analyzed them ; and when he found humbug in any
sample, he published the facts, and the seller s name
and place of business. It may be imagined what a ter
rible row this kicked up. Very numerous and violent
threats were made ; but the " Lancet," was never once
sued by any of the aggrieved, for it had told the truth.
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 159
Perhaps some discouraged reader may ask, What
can I eat? Well, I don t pretend to direct people s
diet. Ask your doctor, if you can t find out. But I
will surest that there are a few thin 0-3 that can t be
oo o
adulterated. You can t adulterate an egg, nor an oys
ter, nor an apple, nor a potato, nor a salt codfish ; and
if they are spoiled they will notify you themselves ! and
when good, they are all good healthy food. In
short, one good safeguard is, to use, as far as you can,
things with their life in them when you buy them,
whether vegetable or animal. The next best rule
against these adulteration-humbugs is, to buy goods
crude instead of manufactured ; coffee, and pepper, and
spices, etc., whole instead of ground, for instance.
Thus, though you give more work, you buy purity with
it. And lastly, there are various chemical processes,
and the microscope, to detect adulterations ; and milk,
in particular, may always be tested by a lactometer, a
simple little instrument which the milkmen use, which
costs a few shillings, and which tells the story in an in
stant. It is a glass bulb, with a stem above and a scale
on it, and a weight below. In good average milk, at
sixty degrees of heat, the lactometer floats at twenty on
its scale ; and in poorer milk, at from that figure down.
If it floats at fifteen, the milk is one-fourth water; if
at ten, one half.
It would ba a wonderful thing for mankind if some
philosophic Yankee would contrive some kind of " oin-
eter " that would measure the infusion of humbug in
anything. A " Humbugometer " he might call it. I
would warrant him a good sale.
160 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
CHAPTER XIX.
ADULTERATIONS IN DRINKS. RIDING HOME ON YOUR
WINE-BARREL. LIST OF THINGS TO MAKE RUM.
THINGS TO COLOR IT WITH. CANAL-BOAT HASH.
ENGLISH ADULTERATION LAW. EFFECTS OF DRUGS
USED. HOW TO USE THEM. BUYING LIQUORS UNDER
THE CUSTOM-HOUSE LOCK. A HOMOEOPATHIC DOSE.
As long as the people of the United States tipple
down rum and other liquors at the rate of a good deal
more than one hundred million gallons a year, besides
what is imported and what is called imported as long
as they pay for their tippling a good deal more than fif
ty millions, and probably over a hundred millions of dol
lars a year so long it will be a great object to manu
facture false liquors, and sell them at the price of true
ones. When liquor of good quality costs from four to
fifteen dollars a gallon, and an imitation can be had
that tastes just as good, and has just as much "jizm" in
it, and probably a good deal more, for from twenty-
five cents to one dollar a gallon, somebody will surely
make and sell that imitation.
Adulterating and imitating liquors is a very large bu
siness ; and I don t know of anybody who will deny
that this particular humbug is very extensively culti
vated. There are a great many people, however, who
will talk about it as they do in Western towns about
fever and ague : " We don t do anything of the kind
here, but those other people over there do ! "
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 161
There is very little pure liquor, either malt or spirit
uous, to be obtained in any way. The more you pay
for it, as a rule, the more the publican gains, but what
you drink is none the purer. Importing don t help
you. Port is or used to be, for very little is now
made, comparatively imitated in immense quantities
at Oporto ; and in the log-wood trade, the European
wine-makers competed with the dyers. It is a London
proverb, that if you want genuine port-wine, you have
got to go to Oporto and make your own wine, and then
ride on the barrel all the way home. It is perhaps
possible to get pure wine in France by buying it at the
vineyard ; but if any dealer has had it, give up the
idea !
As for what is done this side of the water, now for
it. I do not rely upon the old work of Mr. " Death-in-
the-pot Accum," printed some thirty years ago, in Eng
land. My statements come mostly from a .New York
book put forth within a few years by a New York man,
whose name is now in the Directory, and whose busi
ness is said to consist to a great extent in furnishing
one kind or another of the queer stuff he talks about,
to brewers,, or distillers, or wine and brandy merchants.
This gentleman, in a sweet alphabetical miscellany
of drugs, herbs, minerals, arid groceries commonly used
in manufacturing our best Old Bourbon whisky, Swan
gin, Madeira wine, pale ale, London brown stout, Heid-
sieck, Cliquot, Lafitte, and other nice drinks ; names
the chief of such ingredients as follows :
Aloes, alum, calamus (flag-root) capsicum, cocculus
indicus, copperas, coriander-seed, gentian-root, ginger,
162 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
grains-of-paradise, honey, liquorice, logwood, molasses,
onions, opium, orange-peel, quassia, salt, stramonium-
seed (deadly nightshade), sugar of lead, sulphite of
soda, sulphuric acid, tobacco, turpentine, vitriol, yarrow.
I have left strychnine out of the list, as some persons
have doubts about this poison ever being used in adul
terating liquors. A wholesale liquor-dealer in New
York city, however, assures me that more than one-half
the so-called whisky is poisoned with it.
Besides these twenty-seven kinds of rum, here come
twenty-three more articles, used to put the right color
to it when it is made ; by making a soup of one or
another, and stirring it in at the right time. I alpha
bet these, too : alkanet-root, annatto, barwood, black
berry, blue-vitriol, brazil-wood, burnt sugar, cochineal,
elderberry, garancine (an extract of madder), indigo,
Nicaragua-wood, orchil, pokeberry, potash, quercitron,
red beet, red cabbage, red carrots, saffron, sanders-wood,
turmeric, whortleberry.
In all, in both lists, just fifty. There are more, how
ever. But that s enough. Now then, my friend, what
did you drink this morning ? You called it Bourbon,
or Cognac, or Old Otard, very likely, but v^hat was it ?
The " glorious uncertainty " of drinking liquor under
these circumstances is enough to make a man s head
swim without his getting drunk at all. There might,
perhaps, be found a consolation like that of the Western
traveller about the hash. " When I travel in a canal-
boat or steam-boat," quoth this brave and stout-stom
ached man, "I always eat the hash, because then I
know what I ve got ! "
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 163
It was a good many years ago that the Parliament
of England found it necessary to make a law to pre
vent sophisticating malt liquors. Here is the list of
things they forbid to put into beer : " molasses, honey,
liquorice, vitriol, quassia, cocculus indicus, grains-of-par-
adise, Guinea-pepper, opium." The penalty was one
thousand dollars fine on the brewer, and two thousand
five hundred dollars on the druggist who supplied him.
I know of no such law in this country. The theory
of our. government leaves people to take care of them
selves as much as possible. But now let us see what
some of these fifty ingredients will do. Beets and car
rots, honey and liquorice, orange-peel and molasses, will
not do much harm ; though I should think tipplers
would prefer them as the customer at the eating-house
preferred his flies, " on a separate plate." But the
case is different with cocculus indicus, and stramonium,
and sulphuric acid, and sugar of lead, and the like. I
take the following accounts, so far as they are medical,
from a standard work by Dr. Dunglison : Aloes is a
cathartic. Cocculus indicus contains picrotoxin, which
is an u acrid narcotic poison ; " from five to ten grains
will kill a stroii" 1 doo-. The boys often call it " cockle-
> & /
cinders ; " they pound it and mix it in dough, and throw
it into the water to catch fish. The poor fish eat it,
soon become delirious, whirling and dancing furiously
about on the top of the water, and then die. Copperas
tends to produce nausea, vomiting, griping, and purg
ing. Grains- of-paradise, a large kind of cardamom, is
" strongly heating and carminative" (i. e., anti-flatu
lent and anti-spasmodic.) Opium is known well enough.
164 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Stramonium-seed would seem to have been made on
purpose for the liquor business. In moderate doses it
is a powerful narcotic, producing vertigo, headache,
dimness or perversion of vision (i. e., seeing double)
and confusion of thought. (N. B. What else does li
quor do ?) In larger doses (still like liquor,) you ob
tain these symptoms aggravated ; and then a delirium,
sometimes whimsical (snakes in your boots) and some
times furious, a stupor, convulsions, and death. A fine
drink this stramonium ? Sugar of lead is what is called
a cumulative poison ; having the quality of remaining
in the system when taken in small quantities, and piling
itself up, as it were, until there is enough to accom
plish something, when it causes debility, paralysis, and
other things. Sulphuric acid is strongly corrosive, a
powerful caustic, attacking the teeth, even when very
dilute; eating up flesh and bones alike when strong
enough ; and, if taken in a large enough dose, an aw
fully tearing and agonizing fatal poison.
The way to use these delectable nutriments is in part
as follows: Stir a little sulphuric acid into your beer.
This will give you a fine " old ale " in about a quarter
of a minute. Take a mixture of alum, salt, and cop
peras, ground fine, and stir into your beer, and this will
make it froth handsomely. Cocculus indicus, tobacco-
leaves, and stramonium, cooked in the beer, etc., give
it force. Potash is sometimes stirred into wine to cor
rect acidity. Sulphite of soda is now very commonly
stirred into cider, tp keep it from fermenting further.
Sugar of lead is stirred into wines to make them clear,
and to keep them sweet. And so on, through the
whole long list.
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 165
It is a curious instance of people s quiet acknowledg
ment of their own foolishness, that a popular form of
the invitation to take a drink is, " Come and h ist in
some pizen ! "
I know of no plan by which anybody can be sure of
obtaining pure liquor of any description. Some persons
always purchase their wines and liquors while they are
under the custom-house lock and consequently before
they have reached the hands of the importer. Yet
there are scores of men in New York and Philadelphia
who have made large fortunes by sending whisky to
France, there refining, coloring, flavoring, and doctor
ing it, then re-shipping it to New York as French bran
dy, paying the duty, and selling it before it has left the
custom-house ! There is a locality in France where a
certain brand of wine is made. It is adulterated with
red-lead, and every year more or less of the inhabi
tants of that locality are attacked with u lead-colic,"
caused by drinking this poisoned wine right at the
fountain-head where it is made. There is more bogus
champagne drank in any one year, in the city of Paris
alone, than there is genuine champagne made in any
one year in the world. America ordinarily consumes
more so-called champagne annually than is made in the
world, and yet nearly all the genuine champagne in the
world is taken by the courts of Europe. The genuine
Hock wine made at Johannisberg on the Rhine is worth
three dollars per bottle by the large quantity, and
nearly all of it is shipped to Russia ; yet, at any of the
hotels in the village of Johannisberg, within half a mile
from the wine-presses of the pure article, you can be
166 HUMBUGS OF THE WOULD.
supplied for a dollar per bottle with what purports to
be the genuine Hock wine. Since chemistry has en
abled liquor dealers to manufacture any description of
wine or liquor for twenty-five cents to a dollar a gallon,
there are annually made and sold thousands of gallons
of wine and brandy that never smelt a grape.
Suppose a wholesale liquor-merchant imports genu
ine brandy. He usually " rectifies " and adulterates
it by adding eighty-five gallons of pure spirits (refined
whisky,) to fifteen gallons of brandy, to give it a fla
vor ; then colors and " doctors" it, and it is ready for
sale. Suppose an Albany wholesale-dealer purchases,
for pure brandy, ten pipes of this adulterated brandy
from a New York importer. The Albany man imme
diately doubles his stock by adding an equal quantity
of pure spirits. There are then seven and a half gal
lons of brandy in a hundred. A Buffalo liquor-dealer
buys from the Albany man, and he in turn adds one-
half pure spirits. The Chicago dealer buys from the
Buffalo dealer, and as nearly all spirit-dealers keep
large quantities of pure spirits on hand, and know how
to use it, he again doubles the quantity of his brandy
by adding pure spirits ; and the Milwaukee liquor-
dealer does the same, after purchasing from the Chica
go man. So, in the ordinary course of liquor transac
tions, by the time a hundred gallon pipe of pure brandy
reaches Wisconsin, at a cost of five or perhaps ten dol
lars per gallon, ninety-nine gallons and one pint of it is
the identical whisky that was shipped from Wisconsin
the same year at fifty cents per gallon. Truly a hom
oeopathic dose of genuine brandy ! And even that
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 167
whisky when it left Wisconsin was only half whisky ;
for there are men in the whisky-making States who
make it a business to take whisky direct from the dis
tillery, add to it an equal quantity of .water, and then
brini^ it up to a bead and the power of intoxication, by
mixing in a variety of the villainous drugs and deadly
poisons enumerated in this chapter. The annual loss
of strength, health, and life caused by the adulteration
of liquor is truly appalling. Those who have not ex
amined the subject, can form no just estimate of the
atrocious and extensive effects of this murderous hum
bug.
CHAPTER XX.
THE PETER FUNKS AND THEIR FUNCTIONS. THE RURAL
DIVINE AND THE WATCH. RISE AND PROGRESS OF
MOCK AUCTIONS. THEIR DECLINE AND FALL.
Not many years ago, a dignified and reverend man,
whose name is well known to me, was walking sedately
down Broadway. He was dressed in clerical garb of
black garments and white neckcloth. He was a man of
great learning, profound thought, long experience,
unaffected piety, and pure and high reputation.
All at once, a kind of chattering shout smote him fair
in the left ear :
" Narfnarfnarf ! Three shall I have ? Narfnarfnarf-
narfnarf ! Goinjr at two and a half! Gone ! ! "
O
And the grave divine, pausing, beheld a doorway,
168 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
over which waved a little red flag. Within, a compa
ny of eager bidders thronged around an auctioneer s
stand ; and the auctioneer himself, a well-dressed man
with a highly respectable look, was just handing over
to the delighted purchaser a gold watch.
" It would be cheap at one hundred dollars," said lie,
in a despondent tone. " It s mere robbery to sell it for
that price. I d buy it myself if twas legal."
And while the others, with exclamations of surprise
and congratulation, crowded to see this famous purchase,
and the buyer exhibited it with a joyful countenance
close by the door, the divine, just out of curiosity, step
ped in. He owned no watch ; he was a country clergy
man, and poor in this world s goods ; so poor that, to use
a familiar phrase, " if steamboats were selling at a dime
a piece, he would hardly be able to buy a gang-plank."
But what if he could, by good luck, buy a good gold
watch for two dollars and a half in this wonderful city !
Somehow, that watch was snapped open and closed
a^ain right under his ministerial nose about six times.
v"7> c5
The auctioneer held up another of exactly the same
kind, and began to chatter again.
" Now gentlemen, what moffered f this first-class
M. I. Tobias gold English lever watch full jeweled,
compensation-balance, anchor-escapement, hunting case ?
One, did I hear ? Say two cents, wont yer ? Two and
a half! narfnarfnarfnarfnarf and a half! Two and a
half, and three quarters. Thank you, Sir," to a sailor-
like man in the corner.
" Three," said a tall and well-dressed young gentle
man with short hair, near the clergyman, adding, in an
undertone, " I can sell it for fifty this afternoon."
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 169
" Three I am offered," says Mr. Auctioneer, and
chattered on as before : " And a half, did you say, Sir ?
Thank you, Sir. And a halfnarfnarf ! "
The reverend divine had said, " And a half." The
Peter Funks had got him ! But he didn t find it
O
out quite yet. The bidding was run up to four dol
lars ; the clergyman took the watch, opened and exam
ined it ; was convinced, handed it back, ventured
another half, and the watch was knocked down to him.
The auctioneer fumbled in some papers, and, in a
moment, handed him his bargain neatly done up.
" This way to the clerk s office if you please, Sir," he
added, with a civil bow. The clergyman passed a little
further in ; and while the sales proceeded behind him,
the clerk made out a bill and proffered it.
" Fifty-four dollars and a half! " read the country
divine, astounded. " Four and a half is what I bid ! "
"Four and a half!" exclaimed the clerk, with
sarcastic indignation ; u Four dollars and a half ! A
pretty story ! A minister to have the face to say he
could buy an M. I. Tobias gold watch, full jeweled,
for four dollars and a half ! Ill thank you for the
money, Sir. Fifty-four, fifty, if you please."
The auctioneer, as if interrupted by the loud tones
of the indignant clerk, stopped the sale to see what was
the matter. On hearing the statement of the two par
ties, he cast a glance of angry contempt upon the poor
clergyman, who, by this time, was uneasy enough at
their scowling faces. Then, as if relenting, he said half-
sneeringly :
" I don t think you look very well in this business,
8
170 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Sir. But you are evidently a clergyman, and we wish
everybody to have fair treatment in this office. We
won t be imposed upon, Sir, by any man ! " (Here his
face darkened, and his fists could be seen to clench with
much meaning.) " Pay that money, Sir ! This es
tablishment is not to be humbugged. But you needn t
be afraid of losing anything. You may let me take the
watch and sell it for you again on the spot. Very like
ly you can get more for it. You can t lose. The cler
gyman hesitated. The tall and well-dressed young man
with short hair pushed up and said :
"Don t want it? Put her up again. G ! I d like
another chance myself! "
A heavily-built fellow with one eye, observed over
the auctioneer s shoulder, with an evil look at the
divine, " D d if I don t believe that cuss is a gambler,
come in here to fool us country-folks. They allus wears
white neckcloths. I say, search him and boot him out
of the shop ! "
u Hold your tongue ! " answered the auctioneer,
with dignity. " I will see you safe, Sir," to the cler
gyman. But you bid that money, and you must pay
it. We can t do this business- on any other principles."
" You will sell it for me again at once ? " asked the
poor minister.
" Certainly," said the mollified auctioneer. And the
humbugged divine, with an indistinct sense of something
wrong, but not able to tell what, took out forty dollars
from his lean wallet and handed it to the clerk.
" It s all I have to get home with," he said, simply.
" Never fear, old gentleman," said the clerk, affably ;
" You ll be all right in two minutes."
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 171
The watch was put up again. The clergyman, scarce
able to believe his ears, heard it rapidly run up to sixty
dollars and knocked down at that price. The cash was
handed to the clerk, and another bill made out ; ten
per cent., deducted, commission on sales. " Usual
terms, Sir, observed the clerk, handing over the notes
just received for the watch. And the divine, very
thankful to get off for half a dollar, hurried off as fast
as he could.
I need not say that his fifty -four dollars was all coun
terfeit money. When he went next morning, after en
deavoring in vain to part with his new funds, to find
the place where he had been humbugged, it was close
shut, and he could hardly identify even the door
way. He went to the police, and the shrewd captain
told him that it was a difficult business ; but sent an
officer with him to look up the rascals. Officer found
one ; demanded redress ; clergyman did the same.
Rascal asked clergyman s name ; got it ; told him he
could prosecute if he liked. Clergyman looked at
officer ; officer, with indifference, observed :
" Means to stick your name in the papers."
Clergyman said he would take further advice ; did
take it ; thought he wouldn t be shown up as a " greeny "
in the police reports ; borrowed money enough to get
home with, and if he has a gold watch now which
I really hope he has got it either for its real value, or
as a " testimonial."
There, that (with many variations) is the whole sto
ry of Peter Funk. These " mock auctioneers," some
times, as in the case I have mentioned, take advantage
172 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
of the respectability of their victims, sometimes of their
haste to leave the city on business. When they could
not possibly avoid it, they disgorged their prey. No
instance is known to me of any legal penalty being in
flicted on them by a magistrate ; but they were always,
until 1862, treated by police, by magistrate, and by
mayor, just as thieves would be who should always be
let off on returning their stealings ; so that they could
not lose by thieving, and might gain.
These rascally mock-auctioneers, thus protected by
the authorities, used to fleece the public out of not less
than sixty thousand dollars a year. One of them
cleared twelve thousand dollars during the year 1861
alone. And this totally shameless and brazen-faced
humbug flourished in New York for twenty-five years !
About the first day of June, 1862, the Peter Funks
had eleven dens, or traps, in operation in New York ;
five in Broadway below Fulton street, and the others
in Park row, and Courtlandt, Greenwich, and Chat
ham streets.
The name, Peter Funk, is said to have been that of
the founder of their system ; but I know nothing more
of his career. At this date, in 1862, the system was in
a high state of organization and success, and included
the following constituents :
1. Eight chief Funks, or capitalists, and managers,
whose names are well enough known. I have them
on record.
2. About as many more salesmen, who took turns
with the chiefs in selling and clerking.
3. Seventy or eighty, rank and file, or ropers-in.
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 173
These acted the part of buyers, like the purchaser whose
delight over his watch helped to deceive the minister
and the other bidders on that occasion. These fellows
dressed up as countrymen, sailors, and persons of mis
cellaneous respectability. They bid and talked when
that was sufficient, or helped the managers thrash any
troublesome person, if necessary. Once m a long time
they met their match ; as, for instance, when the mate
of a ship brought up a squad of his crew, burst into one
of their dens, and beat and battered up the whole gang
w r ithin an inch of their lives. But, in most cases, the
reckless infamy of these dregs of city vice gave them
an immense advantage over a decent citizen ; for they
could not be defiled nor made ridiculous, and he could.
4. Two or three traders in cheap jewelry and fancy-
goods supplied the Funks with their wares. One of
these fellows used to sell them fifty or a hundred dol
lars worth of this trash a day; and he lamented as
much over their untimely end as the Ephesian silver
smiths did over the loss of their trade in shrines.
5. A lawyer received a regular salary of $1,200 a
year to defend all the Funk, cases.
6. The city politicians, in office and out of it, who
were wont to receive the aid of the Funks (a very en
ergetic cohort) at elections, and who in return unscru
pulously used both power and influence to keep them
from punishment.
All this cunning machinery was brought to naught
and New York relieved of a shame and a pest by the
courage, energy, persverance, and good sense of one
Yankee officer Russell Wells, a policeman. Mr.
174 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Wells took about six months to finish up his work. He
began it of his own accord, finding that the spirit of
the police regulations required it ; prosecuted the un
dertaking without fear or favor, finding not very much
support from the judicial authorities, and sometimes act
ual and direct discouragement. His method was to
mount guard over one auction shop at a time, and warn
all whom lie saw going in, and to follow up all complaints
to the utmost until that shop was closed, when he laid
siege to another. Various offers of money, direct and
indirect, were made him. One fellow offered him $500
to walk on the other side of the street. Another offered
him $1,000 to drop the undertaking. Another hinted
at a regular salary of hush-money, saying 4t he had now
got these fellows where he could make as much out of
them as he wanted to, right along."
Sometimes they threatened him with " murder and
sudden death." Several times they got out an injunc
tion upon him, and several times sued him for slander.
One of their complaints charged, with ludicrous hypoc
risy, that the defendant, " with malicious intent, stood
round the door uttering slanderous charges against the
good name, fame, and credit of the defendant," just as
foolish old lawyers used to argue that " the greater the
truth the greater the libel." Sometimes they argued
and indignantly denounced. One of them told him,
44 he was a thief and a murderer, driving men out of
employment whose wives and children depended on
their business for support."
Another contended that their business was just as
fair as that of the stock-operators in Wall street. I
fear that wasn t making out much of a case.
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 175
But their threats were idle ; their suits, and prosecu
tions, and injunctions, never came to a head ; their
bribes did not operate. The officer, imperturbably good-
natured, but horribly diligent, watched, and warned,
and hunted, and complained, and squeezed back their
money at the rate of $500 or $1,000 every month,
until they were perfectly sickened. One by one they
shut up shop. One went to his farm, another to his
merchandise, another to emigrant running, another
(known by the elegant surname of Blur-eye Thomp
son) to raising recruits, several into the bounty jumping
business.
Such was the life and death of an outrageous hum
bug and nuisance, whose like was not to be found in
any other city on earth ; and would not have been en
dured in any except this careless, money-getting, mis
governed one of New York.
CHAPTER XXI.
LOTTERY SHARKS. BOULT AND HIS BROTHERS. KEN
NETH, KIMBALL AND COMPANY. A MORE CENTRAL
LOCATION WANTED FOR BUSINESS. TWO SEVENTEENTH-
LIES. STRANGE COINCIDENCE.
I have before me a mass of letters, printed and litho
graphed circulars, and the like, which illustrate well
two or three of the most foolish and vicious swindles
[it is wrong to call them humbugs] now extant. They
also prove that there are a good many more fools alive
176 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
in our Great Republic than some of us would like to
admit.
These letters and papers are signed, respectively, by
the following names : Alexander Van Dusen ; Thomas
Boult & Co. ; E. F. Mayo ; Geo. P. Harper ; Browne,
Sherman & Co. ; Hammett & Co. ; Charles A. Her
bert ; Geo. C. Kenneth ; T. Seymour & Co. ; C. W.
White, Purchasing Agency ; C. J. Darlington ; B. H.
Robb & Co. ; James Conway ; S. B. Goodrich ; Eger-
ton Brothers ; C. F. Miner ; E. J. Kimball ; E. A.
Wilson ; and J. T. Small.
All these productions, with one or two exceptions,
are dated during the last three months of 1864, and
January 1865. They are mailed from a good many
different places, and addressed to respectable people in
all directions.
In particular, should be noticed, however, two lots
of them.
The first lot are signed either by Thomas Boult &
Co., Hammett & Co., Egerton Brothers, or T. Sey
mour & Co. When these four documents are placed
together, each with its inclosure, a story is told that
seems clear enough to explain itself to the greenest fool
in the world.
These fellows Boult and the rest of them, I mean
are lottery sharks. Now, those who buy lottery tick
ets are very silly and credulous, or very lazy, or both.
They want to get money without earning it. This
foolish and vicious wish, however, betrays them into
the hands of these lottery sharks. I wish that each of
these poor foolish, greedy creatures could study on this
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 177
set of letters awhile. Look at them. You see that
the lithographed handwriting in all four is in the same
hand. You observe that each of them incloses a print
ed hand-bill with " scheme," all looking as like as so
many peas. They refer, you see, to the same u Havana
scheme," the same u Shelby College Lottery," the
same fct managers," and the same place of drawing.
Now, see what they say. Each knave tells his fool his
only object is to put said fool in possession of a hand
some prize, so that fool may run round and show the
money, and rope in more fools. What an ingenious
way to make the fool think he will return value for the
prize ! Each knave further says to his fool (I copy the
words of the knave from his lithograph letter :) " We
are so certain that w r e know how to select a lucky cer
tificate, that if the one we select for you does not, at
the very least, draw a $5,000 prize, we will " what ?
Pay the money ourselves ? Oh no. Knave does not
offer to pay half of it. " Will send you another pack
age in one of our extra lotteries for nothing ! "
Observe how particularly every knave is to tell his
fool to " give us the name of the nearest bank," so that
the draft for the prize-money can be forwarded instantly.
And in return for all this kindness, what do Messrs.
Boult and-so-forth want ? Why, almost nothing. ct The
ridiculously small sum," as Mr. Montague Tigg ob
served to Mr. Pecksniff, of $10. You observe that
Hammett & Co., in one circular, demand $20, for the
same $5,000 prize. But the amount, they would say,,
is too trifling to be so particular about !
I will suggest a form for answering these
8*
178 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Let every one of my readers who receives one of their
circulars just copy and date and sign, and send them
the following :
" GENTLEMEN : I thank you for your great kindness in
wishing to make me the possessor of a $5,000 prize in
your truly rich and splendid Royal Havana Lottery. I
fully believe that you know, as you say, all about how to
get these prizes, and that you can make it a big thing.
But I cannot think of taking all that money from such
kind of people as you. I must insist upon your having
half of it, and I will not hear of any refusal, I therefore
hereby authorize you to invest for me the trifle of $10,
which you mention ; and when the prize is drawn, to put
half of it, and $10 over, right into your own benevolent
pantaloons-pocket, and to remit the other half to me, ad
dressed as follows : (Here give the name of the " nearest
bank.")
" I have not the least fear that you will cheat me out
of my half; and, as you see, I thus place myself confi
dently in your hands. With many thanks for your great
and undeserved kindness, I remain your obliged and
obedient servant. ETC., ETC."
My readers will observe that this mode of replying
affords full swing to the expansive charities of Boult
and his brethren, and is a sure method of saving the
expenditure of $10, although Boult is to get that
amount back when the prize is drawn.
I charge nothing for these suggestions ; but will not
be so discourteous as to refuse a moderate percentage on
all amounts received in pursuance of them from Brother
Boult & Co.
Here is the second special lot of letters I spoke of.
I lay them out on my desk as before : There are six
letters signed respectively by Kimball, Goodrich, Dar-
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 179
lington, Kenneth, Harper, and Herbert. Now notice,
first the form, and next the substance.
As to form they are all written, not, lithograph-
. ed ; they are on paper of the same make and size, and
out of the same lot, as you observe by the manufactur
er s stamp a representation of the Capitol in the
upper corner. They are in the same hand, an easy
legible business-hand, though three of them are written
with a backward slope. Those who sent them have not
sent me the envelopes with them, except in one case,
so that I cannot tell where they were mailed. Neither
is any one of them dated inside at any town or post-
office. But, by a wonderful coincidence, every one of
them is dated at " No. 17 Merchants Exchange." A
busy mart that No. 17 must be ! And it is a still
more curious coincidence that every one of these six
industrious chaps has been unable to find a sufficiently
central location for transacting his business. Every let
ter you see, contains a printed slip advising of a remov
al, as follows :
" REMOVAL. Desiring a more central location for
transacting my business, I have removed my office to
No. 17 Merchants Exchange." Where ? One savs to
O /
West Troy, New York; another to Patterson, New
Jersey ; another to Bronxville, New York ; another, to
Salem, New- York, and so on ! It is a new thing to find
how central all those places are. Undeveloped metrop
olises seem to exist in every corner. Well, the slip
ends with a notice that in future letters must be directed
to the new place.
Next, as to substance. The six letters all tell the
180 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
same story. They are each the second letter ; the first
one having been sent to the same person, and having
contained a lottery-ticket, as a gift of love or free
charity. This second letter is the one which is expected
to " fetch." It says in substance : u Your ticket has
drawn a prize of 8200 , the letters all name the same
amount " but you didn t pay for it,- and therefore are
not entitled to it. Now send me $10 and I will cheat
the lottery-man by altering the post-mark of your letter
so that the money shall seem to have been sent before
the lottery was drawn. This forgery will enable me
to get the $200, which I will send you."
How cunning that is ! It is exactly calculated to
hit the notions of a vulgar, ignorant, lazy, greedy, and
unprincipled bumpkin. Such a fellow would see just
far enough into the millstone to be tickled at the idea
o
of cheating those lottery fellows. And the knave ends
his letter with one more touch most delicately adapted
to make Master Bumpkin feel certain that his cash is
coming. He says, " Be sure to show your prize to all
your friends, so as to make them buy tickets at my
office."
Moreover, these letters inclose each a " report of the
seventeenth monthly drawing of the Cosmopolitian Art
Union Association." You may observe that one of
these " seventeenth drawings " took place November 7
1864, and another December 5, 1864 ; so that seven-
teenthly came twice. What is a far more remarkable
coincidence is this; that in each of these "reports is
a list of a hundred and thirty or forty numbers that
drew prizes, and it is exactly the same list each time,
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 181
and the same prize to each number ! There is a third
coincidence ; that one of these two drawings is said to
have been at London. New York, and the other at
London, New Jersey. And lastly, there is a fourth co
incidence, viz., that neither of these places exists.
Now, what a transparent swindle this is ! how plain,
how impudent, how rascally ! And all done entirely
by the use of the Post Office privileges of the United
States. Try to catch this fellow. You can find where
he mailed his circular ; but he probably stopped there
over night to do so, and nobody knew it. In each cir
cular, he wrote to his dupes to address him at that new
" more central location " that he struggles after so
hard ; and how is the pursuer to find it ? Would any
body naturally go and watch the Post Office at Bronx-
ville, New York, for instance, as a particularly central
location for business ?
Besides, no one person is cheated out of enough to
make him follow up the affair, and probably nobody
who sends the cash wants to say much about it after
ward. He wants to wait and show the prize !
These dirty sharking traps will always be set, and
will always catch silly people, as long as there are any
to catch. The only means of stopping such trickery is
to diffuse the conviction that the best way to get a liv
ing is, to go to work like a man and earn it honestly.
182 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
CHAPTER XXII.
ANOTHER LOTTERY HUMBUG. TWO HUNDRED AND FIF
TY RECIPES. VILE BOOKS. " ADVANTAGE-CARDS."
A PACKAGE FOR YOU ; PLEASE SEND THE MON
EY. PEDDLING IN WESTERN NEW YORK.
The readiness with which people will send off their
money to a swindler is perfectly astounding. It does
really seem as if an independent fortune could be made
simply by putting forth circulars and advertisements,
requesting the receiver to send five dollars to the ad
vertiser, and saying that " it will be all right."
I have already given an account of the way in which
lottery dealers operate. From among the same pile of
documents which I used then, I have selected a few
others, as instances in part, of a class of humbugs some
times of a kind even far more noxious, and which show
that their devisers and patrons are not only sharpers or
fools, but often also very cold-blooded villains or very
nasty ones. Some of them are managed by printed cir
culars and written letters, such as those before me ;
some of them by newspaper advertisements. Some are
only to cheat you out of money, and others offer in re
turn for money some base gratification. But whatever
means are used, and whatever purpose is sought, they
are all alike in one thing they depend entirely on the
monstrous number of simpletons who will send money
to people they know nothing about.
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 183
Of the nasty ones, I can give no details. Vile books,
pictures, etc., are from time to time advertised, sold,
and forwarded, by circular, and through the mails, and
for large prices.
There have been some cases where a funny sort of
swindle has been effected by these peddlers of prurien
cy, by selling some dirty-minded dupe a cheap good
book, at the extravagant price of a dear bad one.
More than one foolish youth has received, instead of
the vile thing that he sent five dollars for, a nice little
New Testament. It is obvious that no very loud com
plaints are likely to be made about such cheating as
that. It is, perhaps, one of the safest swindles ever
contrived.
The first document which I take from my pile is the
announcement of a fellow who operates lottery-wise.
His scheme appeals at once to benevolence and to
greediness. He says : " The profits of the distribu
tion are to be given to the Sanitary Commission ; " and
secondly, u Every ticket brings a prize of at least its
full value, and some of them 85,000.
If, therefore you won t buy tickets for filthy lucre s
sake, buy for the sake of our soldiers.
" But," somebody says, " how can you afford this
arrangement, which is a direct loss of the whole cost of
working your lottery, and moreover of the w r hole val
ue of all prizes costing more than a ticket ? "
" Oh," replies our benevolent friend, " a number of
manufacturers in New England have asked me to do
this, and the prizes are given by them as friends of the
soldier."
184 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
One observation will sufficiently show what an im
pudent mess of lies this story is, namely ; If the man
ufacturers of New England wanted to give money to
the Sanitary Commission, they would give money ; if
goods, they would give goods. They certainly would
not put their gifts through the additional roundabout,
useless nonsense of a lottery, which is to turn over only
the same amount of funds to the Commission.
The next document is a circular sent from a Western
town by a fellow who claims also to be a master of arts,
doctor of medicines, and doctor of laws, but whose hand
writing and language are those of a stable-boy. This
chap sends round a list of two hundred and fifty recipes
at various prices, from twenty-five cents to a dollar
each. Send him the money for any you wish, and he
promises to return you the directions for making the
stuff. You are then to go about and peddle it, and
swiftly become independently rich. You can begin with
a dollar, he says ; in two days make fifty dollars, and
then sweep- on in a grand career of afHuence, making
from $75 to $200 a day, " if you are industrious."
What is petroleum to this ? It is a mercy that we don t
all turn to and peddle to each other ; we should all get
too rich to speak !
The fellow, out of pure kindness and desire for your
good, recommends you to buy all his recipes, as then
you will be sure to sell something to everybody. Most
of these recipes are for sufficiently harmless purposes
shaving-soap, cement, inks ;t live gallons of good ink
for fifteen cents " tooth-powders, etc. Some of them
are arrant nonsense; such as "tea better than the
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 185
Chinese," winch is as if he promised something wetter
than water; " to make thieves vinegar ;" " prismatic dia
mond crystals for windows ;" " to make yellow butter "
is the butter blue where the man lives ? Others are
of a sort calculated to attract foolish rustic rascals who
would like to gain an easy living by cheating, if they
were only smart enough. Thus, there is " Rothschild s
great secret ; or how to make common gold." Aly
readers shall have a better recipe than this swindler s
work hard, think hard, be honest, and spend little
this will " make common gold," and this is all the
secret Rothschild ever had. A number of these recipes
are barefaced quackeries ; such as cures for consump
tion, cancer, rheumatism, and sundry other diseases ;
to make whiskers and mustaches grow ah, boys, you
cant hurry up those things. Greasing your cheeks is
just as good as trying to whistle the hair out, but not a
bit better. Don t hurry ; you will be old quite soon
enough ! But this fellow is ready for old fools as well
young ones, for he has recipes for curing baldness and
removing wrinkles. And last, but not least, quietly in
serted among all these fooleries and harmless humbugs,
are two or three recipes which promise the safe gratifi
cation of the basest vices. Those are what he really
hoped to get money for.
I have carefully refrained from giving any names or.
information which would enable anybody to address any
of these folks. I do not propose to cooperate with
them, if I know it.
The next is a circular only to be very briefly alluded
to: it promises to furnish, on receipt of the price, and
186 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
" by mail or express, with perfect safety, so as to defy
detection, any of twenty-two wholly infamous books,
and various other cards and commodities, well suited to
the public of Sodom and Gomorrah, etc. The most hon
est and decent things advertised in this unclean list are
u advantage-cards " which enable the player to swindle
his adversary by reading off his hand by the backs of
the cards.
The next paper I can copy verbatim, except some
names, etc., is a letter as follows:
"Dear Sir There is a. Package in My care for a
Mrs. preston New Griswold wich thare is 48 cts. frat-
age. Pleas forward the same. I shall send it Per
Express Your recpt."
It is some little comfort to know that this gentleman,
who is so much opposed to the present prevailing meth
ods of spelling, lost the three cents which he invested
in seeking " fratage." But a good many sensible peo
ple have carelessly sent away the small amoimts de
manded by letters like the above, and have wondered
why their prepaid parcels never came.
Next, is an account by a half amused and half indig
nant eye-witness, of what happened in a well known
town in Western New York, on Friday, January 6,
1865. A personage described as * dressed in Yankee
style," drove into the principal street of the place with
a horse and buggy, and began to sell what is called in
some parts of New England ;u Attleboro," that is, imi
tation jewelry, but promising to return the customers
their money, if required, and doing so. After a num
ber of transactions of this kind, he bawls out, like the
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 187
sorcerer in Aladdin, who went around crying new
lamps for old, " Who will give me four dollars for this
five-dollar greenback ? "
He found a customer ; sold a one-dollar greenback
for ninety cents ; then sold some half-dollar bills for
twenty-five cents each ; then flung out among the crowd
what a fisherman would call ground bait, in the shape
of a handful of " currency."
Everybody scrambled for the money. This liberal
trader now drove slowly a little way along, and the
crowd pressed after him.
He now began, without any further promises, to sell
a lot of bogus lockets at five dollars each, and in a few
minutes had disposed of about forty. Having, there
fore, about two hundred dollars in his pocket, and trade
slackening, he coolly observes, with a terseness and clear
ness of oratory that would not discredit General Sher
man :
" Gentlemen I have sold you those goods at my
price. I am a licensed peddler. If I give you your
money back you will think me a lunatic. I wish you
all success in your ordinary vocations ! Good morn-
ing!"
And sure enough, he drove off. That same cunning
chap has actually made a small fortune in this way.
He really is licensed as a peddler, and though arrested
more than once, has consequently not been found legal
ly punishable.
I will specify only one more of my collection, of yet
another kind. This is a printed circular appealing to a
class of fools, if possible, even shallower, sillier, and
188 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
more credulous than any I have named yet. It is
headed u The Gypsies Seven Secret Charms." These
charms consist of a kind of hellbroth or decoction.
You are to wet the hands and the forehead with them,
and this is to render you able to tell what any person
is thinking of; upon taking any one by the hand, you
will be able to entirely control the mind and will of
such person (it is unnecessary to specify the purpose
intended to be believed possible). These charms are
also to enable you to buy lucky lottery-tickets, discover
things lost or hid, dream correctly of the future, in
crease the intellectual faculties, secure the affections of
the other sex, etc. These precious conceits are set
forth in a ridiculous hodge-podge of statements. The
" charms," it says, were used by the " Antediluvians ; "
were the secret of the Egyptian enchanters and of Mo
ses, too ; of the Pythoness and the heathen conjurors
and humbugs generally ; and (which will be news to
the geographers of to-day) " are used by the Psyli (the
swindler mis-spells again) of South America to charm
Beasts, Birds, and Serpents." The way to control the
mind, he says, was discovered by a French traveler
named Tunear. This Frenchman is perhaps a relative
of the equally celebrated Russian traveller, Toofaroff.
But here is the point, after all. You send the mon
ey, we will say, for one of these charms for they are
for sale separately. You receive in return a second
circular, saying that they work a great deal better all
together, and so the man will send you all of them
when you send the rest of the money. Send it, if you
choose !
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 189
Now, how is it possible for people to be living among
us here, who are fooled by such wretched balderdash as
this ? There are such, however, and a great many of
them. I do not imagine that there are many of these
addlepates among my readers ; but there is no harm
in giving once more a very plain and easy direction
which may possibly save somebody some money and
some mortification. Be content with what you can
honestly earn. Know whom you deal with. Do not
try to get money without giving fair value for it. And
pay out no money on strangers promises, whether by
word of mouth, written letters, advertisements, or print
ed circulars.
CHAPTER, XXIII.
A CALIFORNIA COAL MINE. A HARTFORD COAL MINE.
MYSTERIOUS SUBTERANEAN CANAL ON THE ISTH
MUS.
Some twelve years ago or so, in the early days of
Californian immigration, a curious little business humbug
came off about six miles from Monterey. A United
States officer, about the year 1850, was on his way into
the interior on a surveying expedition, with a party of
men, a portable forge, a load of coal, and sundry other
articles. At the place in question, six miles inland, the
Lieutenant s coal wagon " stalled " in a " tule "
swamp. With true military decision the greater part
of the coal was thrown out to extricate the team, and
190 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
not picked up again. The expedition went on and
so did time, and the latter, in his progress, had some
years afterward dried up the tuld swamp. Some enter
prising prospecters, with eyes wide open to the nature
of tilings, now espied one fine morning the lumps of
coal, sticking their black noses up out of the mud. It
was a clear case there was a coal mine there ! The
happy discoverers rushed into town. A company was
at once organized under the mining laws of the state
of California. The corporators at first kept the whole
matter totally secret except from a few particular friends
who were as a very great favor allowed to buy stock
for cash. A " compromise " was made with the owner
of the land, largely to his advantage. When things
had thus been set properly at work, specimens of coal
were publicly exhibited at Monterey. There was a gi
gantic excitement ; shares went up almost out of sight.
Twelve hundred dollars in coin for one share (par $100)
was laughed at. About this time a quiet honest Dutch
man of the vicinity passing along by the " mine " one
evening with his cart, innocently and unconsciously
picked up the whole at one single load and carried it
home. Prompt was the discovery of the " sell " by
the stockholders, and voluble and intense, it is said,
their profane expressions of dissatisfaction. But the
original discoverers of the mine vigorously protested
that they were " sold " themselves, and that it was only
a case of common misfortune. It is however reported
that a number of persons in Monterey, after the explo
sion of the speculation, remembered all about the coal-
wagon part of the business, which they said, the excite-
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 191
ment of the " company " had put entirely out of their
heads.
An equally unfounded but not quite so barefaced
humbug came off a good many years ago in the good
old city of Hartford, in Connecticut, according to the
account given me by an old gentleman now deceased,
who was one of the parties interested. This was a
coal mine in the State House -yard. It sounds like
talking about getting sunbeams out of cucumbers
but something of the sort certainly took place.
Coal is found among rocks of certain kinds, and not
elsewhere. Among strata of granite or basalt for in
stance, nobody expects to find coal. But along with a
certain kind of sandstone it may reasonably be expect
ed. Now the Hartford wiseacres found that tremen
dously far down under their city, there was a sort of
sandstone, and they were sure that it was the sort. So
they gathered together some money, there is a vast
deal of that in Hartford, coal or no coal organized a
company, employed a Mining Superintendent; set up
a boring apparatus, and down went their hole into the
ground an orifice some four or. six inches across.
Through the surface stratum of earth it went, and bang
it came against the sandstone. They pounded away,
with good courage, and got some fifties or hundreds of
feet further. Indefinable sensations were aroused in
their minds at one time by the coming up among the
products of boring, of some chips of wood. Now wood,
shortly coal, they thought. They might, I imagine,
have brought up some pieces of boiled potato or even
of fresh shad, provided it had fallen down first. They
192 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
duo; on until they got tired, and then they stopped.
If they had gone down ten thousand feet they would
have found no coal. Coal is found in the new red
sandstone ; but theirs was the old red sandstone,
which is a very fine old stone itself, but in which no
coal was ever found, except what might have been put
there on purpose, or possibly some faint indications.
The hole they made, however, as my informant gravely
observed, was left sticking in the ground, and if he is
right is to this day a sort of appendix or tail to the well
north-west corner of the State House Square. So, I
suppose, any one who chooses can go and poke down
there after it and satisfy himself about the accuracy of
this account. Such an inquirer ought to find satisfaction,
for " truth lies in the bottom of a well " says the proverb.
Yet some ill natured skeptics have construed this to mean
that all will tell lies sometimes, for as they accent
it, even "Truth lies, at the bottom of a well I "
Still- a different sort of business humbug, again, was
a wonderful story which went the rounds about fifteen
years ago, and which was cooked up to help some one
or other of the various enterprises for new routes by
Central America to California. This story started, I
believe, in the " New Orleans Courier." It was, that
a French Doctor of Vera Paz in Guatemala, while
making a canal from his estate to the sea, discovered,
away up at the very furthest extremity of the Gulf of
Honduras, a vast ancient canal, two hundred and forty
feet wide, seventy I eet deep, and walled in on both
sides with "gigantic masses of rough cut stone. The
Doctor at once crave up his own triflirm- modern exca-
O 1 <^
TRADE AND BUSINESS IMPOSITIONS. 193
vation, and plunged into an explanation of this vast
ancient one, as zealously as if he were probing after
some uncertain bullet in a poor fellow s leg. The mon
strous canal carried him in a straight line up the coun
try? to the south-westward. Some twenty miles or so
inland it plunged under a volcano !
But see what a French doctor is made of!
Cutting down the great, old trees that obstructed the
entrance, and procuring a canoe with a crew of Indians,
in he went. The canal became a prodigious tunnel,
of the same width and depth of water, and vaulted
three hundred and thirty five feet high in the living
rock. Nothing is said about the bowels of the volcano,
so that we must conclude either that such affairs are
not planted so deep as is supposed, or that the fire-pot
of the concern was shoved one side or bridged over by
the canallers, or that the Frenchman had some remark
ably good style of Fire Annihilator, or else that there
is some mistake !
Eighteen hours of incessant travel brought our intre-
^ O
pid M. D. safe through to the Pacific Ocean ; during
which time, if the maps of that country are of any au
thority, he passed under quite a number of mountains
and rivers. The trip was not dark at all, as shafts were
sunk every little way, which lighted up the interior
quite well, and then the volcano gave or ought to
have given some light inside. Indeed, if the doctor
had only thought of it, I presume he would have notic
ed double rows of street gas lamps on each side of the
canal ! The exclusive right to use this excellent transit
route has not, to my knowledge, been secured to anybody
194 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
yet. It will be observed that ships as large as the
Great Eastern could easily pass each other in this canal,
which renders it a sure thing for any other vessel unless
that shrewd and grasping fellow the Emperor Louis
Napolean, has got hold of this canal and is keeping it
dark for some still darker purposes of his own as for
instance to run his puppet Maximilian into for refuge,
when he is run out of Mexico it is therefore still in
the market. And my publication of the facts effectu
ally disposes of the Emperor s plan of secrecy, of course.
IV. MONEY MANIAS.
CHAPTER XXIV.
THE PETROLEUM HUMBUG. THE NEW YORK AND RAN
GOON PETROLEUM COMPANY.
Every sham, as has often been said, proves some rea -
ity. Petroleum exists, no doubt, and is an important ad
dition to our national wealth. But the Petroleum hum
bug or mania or superstition, or whatever you choose
to call it, is a humbug, just as truly, and a big one,
whether we use the word in its milder or its bitterer
sense.
There are more than six hundred petroleum compa
nies. The capital they call for, is certainly not less than
five hundred million dollars. The money invested in
the notorious South Sea Bubble was less than two-fifths
as much only about $190,000,000.
Now, this petroleum business very much of it
is just as thorough a gambling business as any faro
bank ever set up in Broadway, or any other stock spec
ulation ever conjured up in Wall Street as much so,
for instance, as the well known Parker Vein coal
company.
I shall here tell exactly how those well known and
enterprising financiers, Messrs. Peter Rolleum and Did
dle Digwell proceeded in organizing the New- York and
196 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Rangoon Petroleum Company, of which all my readers
have seen the advertisements everywhere, and of which
the former is the Vice President and managing officer,
and the latter Secretary. In June 1864, neither ot
these worthy gentleman was worth a cent. Rolleum
shinned up and down in some commission agency or
other, and Digwell had a small salary as clerk in some
insurance or money concern. They barely earned a
living. Now, Rolleum says he is worth $200,000 ;
and Mr. Secretary Digwell, besides about $10,000
worth of stock in the New York and Rangoon, has his
comfortable salary and his highly respectable " posish "
to use a little bit of business slang.
Mr. Rolleum was the originator of the scheme, and
let Digwell into it ; and together they went to work.
They had a few hundred dollars in cash, no particular
credit, an entirely unlimited fund of lies, a good deal of
industry, plausibility, talk, and cheek, considerable
acquaintance with business, and an instinctive apprecia
tion of some of the more selfish motives commonly influ
ential among men.
First of all, Rolleum made a trip into the oil country.
Here, while picking up some of his ordinary agency
business, he looked around among the wells and oil
lands, talking, and examining and inquiring of everybody
about everything, with a busy, solemn face, and the air
of one who does not wish it to be supposed that he has
important interests in his care. Then he talked with
some men at (we will say) Titusville and thereabouts ;
told all about his valuable business connections in New
York City : and after getting a little acquainted, he laid
MONEY MANIAS. 197
before each of half-a-dozen or so of them, this proposi
tion :
" You can have a good many shares of a first class
new oil company about to be formed just for permit
ting your name to be used in its interest, and for being
a trustee." A thousand shares apiece, he said; to be
valued at five dollars each, the par value however, be
ing ten dollars. Five thousand dollars each man, and
to be made ten thousand, as soon as the proposed puf
fing should enable them to sell out. After a little hes
itation, a sufficient number consented. There was
nothing to pay, something handsome to get, and all
they were asked for it was, to let a man talk about them.
What if he did lie ? That was his business.
This fixed four out of the nine intended trustees.
Rolleum also obtained memoranda or printed circu
lars showing the amounts for which a number of oil
land owners would sell their holes in the ground or the
room for making others, and describing the premises.
He now flew back to New York, and went to sundry
persons of some means and some position but of no
great nobility, and thus he said :
" Here are these wealthy and distinguished oil men
right there on the ground who are going to be trustees
of my new company.
" You serve too, won t you ? One thousand shares
for your trouble five thousand dollars. No money
to pay I will see to all that. Here are the lands we
can buy," and he showed his lists. The bribe, and
the names of those already bribed, influenced them, and
this secured three more trustees. Two more were
198 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
needed, namely the President and Vice President.
Rolleum himself was to be the latter ; his next move
was to secure the former.
This, the most critical part of the scheme, was cun
ningly delayed until this time. Rolleum went to the
Honorable A. Bee, a gentleman of a good deal of abil
ity, pretty widely known, not very rich, believed (per
haps for that reason) to be honest, no longer young,
and of a reverend yet agreeable presence. Him the
plausible Rolleum told all about the new Company ;
what a respectable board of trustees there was going to
be and he showed the names ; all either experienced
and substantial men of the oil country, or reputable
business men of New York City. And they have
agreed to serve, in part because they know what a very
honest company this is, and still more because they
hope that the Honorable A. Bee will become Presi
dent.
" My dear Sir," urged Rolleum, sweetly, " this
legitimate business enterprise must succeed, and must
secure wealth, reputation, and influence to all connect
ed with it. We know that you are above pecuniary
considerations, and that you do not need our influence,
or anybody s. We need yours. And you need not
do any work. I will do that. We only need your
name. And merely as a matter of form, because the
officers are expected to be interested in their own com
pany, I have set apart two thousand shares, being at
half par or $5 a share, $10,000 of stock, to stand in
your name. See how respectable all these Trustee?
are ! " And he showed the list and preached upon the
items of it.
MONET MANIAS. 199
" This man is worth so many millions, that man is
such an influential editor. Could I have obtained such
names if this were not a perfectly square thing ? "
Ten thousand dollars will go some ways towards
squaring almost anything, with many people, even if it
is a mere matter of form ; " and so the old gentleman
consented. This fixed the whole official " slate."
Now to set up the machine.
In a few days of sharp running and talking, Rolleum
and Digwell accomplished this, as follows :
First, they hired and furnished handsomely, paying
cash whenever they couldn t help it, a couple of pleas
ant first floor rooms close to Wall Street. No dingy
desk-room up in some dark corner or attic, for them.
Respectability is the thing for Rolleum.
Second, they hired a lawyer to draft the proper pa
pers, and had the New York and Rangoon Petroleum
Company " Duly incorporated under the mining and
statute laws of the State of New York," with charter,
by-laws, seal, officers names, and everything fine,
new, grand, magnificent, impressive, formal, respectable
and business-like.
Third, they now had every requisite of a powerful,
enterprising and highly successful corporation, except
the small trifles of money, land and oil. But what are
these, to such geniuses as Rolleum and Digwell ? Sin
gular if having invented and set the trap, they could
not catch the birds !
They bought about three pints of oil, for one dollar ;
and that settled one part of the question. They bought
it ready sorted and vialled and labelled ; some crude
200 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
and green, some yellowish, some limpid as water, half a
dozen or so of different specimens. These, in their tall
vials of most respectable appearance, they placed casu
ally on the mantel-piece of the outer office. They
were specimens of the oils which the company s wells
are confidently expected to yield when they get em !
Last of all land and money. Subscriptions to cap
ital stock are to furnish money, money will buy land.
And saying we ve got land will procure subscriptions.
" It s not much of a lie, after all," said Rolleum,
confidentially, to brother Digwell. " When we ve
said we ve got it for awhile, we shall get it. It s not
a lie at all. It s only discounting the truth at sixty
days ! "
So he and Digwell went to work and made a splendid
prospectus and advertisement, the latter an abridged
edition of the former. This prospectus was a great
triumph of business lying mixed with plums and spices
of truth, and all set forth with taking " display lines."
It began with a stately row of names : New York
and Rangoon Petroleum Company ; Honorable Abra
ham Bee, President ; Peter Rolleum, Esq., Vice Presi
dent ; Diddle Digwell, Esq., Secretary ; and so on.
With cool impudence it then gave a list headed " Lands
and Property " not saying " of the Company " for fear
of a prosecution for swindling. But the list below be
gan with the words " the oil lands to be conveyed to the
Company are as follows : " that s exactly it " quoth
Rolleum "no lie there, at any rate. They are. to
4 to be conveyed to us if we choose just as soon
as we can pay for them." And then the list went on from
MONEY MANIAS. 201
" No. 1 " to " No. 43," giving in a row all those mem-
O O
orand a which Rolleum had obtained in Venango County
and the region round about, of the descriptions of the
real estate which the landsharks up there would be glad
to sell for what they asked for it.
The Prospectus said the capital of the company was
one million dollars, in one hundred thousand shares at
ten dollars each. But in order to obtain a WORKING
CAPITAL, twenty thousand shares are offered for a lim
ited period at five dollars each, not subject to further
assessment.
And it added, though with more phrases, something
to the following effect : Hurry ! Pay quick ! Or you
will lose your chance ! In conclusion the whole was
wound up with many wise and moral observations about
legitimate business, interests of stockholders, heavy
capitalists, economical management, and other such
things ; and it bestowed some rather fat compliments
upon the honorable Abraham Bee and the Trustees.
Having, concocted this choice morsel of bait, they
set it in the great stream of newspapers, there to catch
fish. In plain terms, with some cash and some credit
for their means would not even reach to pay in ad
vance the whole of their first advertising bill they
managed to have their advertisement published during
several weeks in a carefully chosen group of about thir
ty of the principal newspapers of the United States.
The whole web was now woven ; and Rolleum and
Dig well, like two hungry spiders, squatted in their den,
every nerve thrilling to feel the first buzz of the
first fly. It was natural that the scamps should feel a
9*
202 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
good deal excited : it was life or death with them. It
a confiding public, in answer to their impassioned appeal,
should generously remit, they were made men for life.
If not, instead of being -rich and respected gentlemen,
they were ridiculous, detected swindlers.
Well they succeeded. So truthful is our Great
American Nation so confiding, so sure of the truth
of what is said in print, even if only in the advertising
columns of a newspaper so certain of the good faith
of people who have their names printed in large capi
tals and with a handle at one end that actually these
fellows had a hundred thousand dollars in bank within
ten weeks before they owned one foot of land, or
one inch of well, or one drop of oil, except those three
pints in the vials on the office shelf!
And remember this is no imaginary case. I am giv
ing point by point the exact transactions of a real
Petroleum Company.
Everything I have told was done, only if possible
with a more false and baseless impudence then I have
described. And scores and scores of other Petroleum
Companies have been organized in ways exactly as un
principled. Some of them may perhaps have proceeded
as real business concerns. Some have stopped and dis
appeared as soon as the managers could get a handsome
sum of money into their pockets for stock.
What the result will be, in the present case., I don t
know. The New York and Rangoon Petroleum Com
pany, when I last knew about it, " still lived." They
had or said they had bought some land. I have
not heard of their receiving any oil raised from their
MONEY MANIAS. 203
own wells. They have sent off a monstrous quantity of
circulars, prospectuses and advertisements. They caus
ed a portrait and biography of the Honorable A. Bee
to be printed in a very respectable periodical, and paid
five hundred dollars for it. They had themselves sys
tematically puffed up to the seventh heaven in a long
series of articles in another periodical, and paid the
owner of it $2,000 or so in stock. They talk very big
about a dividend. But although they have received
a great deal of money, and paid out a great deal, I do
not know of their paying their stockholders any yet.
If they should, it would not prove much. For it is
sometimes considered " a good dodge " to declare and
pay a large dividend before any real profits have been
earned ; as this is calculated to enhance the price of
shares, and to make them " go off like hot cakes."
I shall not make any " moral " about this story. It
teaches its own. It is a very mild statement of what
was done to establish an actual specimen, and far
from being of the w T orst description of a great part
of the Petroleum Company enterprises of the day.
It is whispered that somehow or other the trustees
and officers of the New York and Rangoon do not own
so much stock of their company as they did, having
managed to have their stock sold to subscribers as if it
were company stock. If this is so, those gentlemen
have made their reward sure ; and Mr. Peter Rolleum,
having the cash in hand for that very liberal allotment
of stock which he gave himself for his trouble in get
ting up the New York and Rangoon Petroleum Com
pany, is very likely half or a quarter as rich as he says.
204 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
CHAPTER XXV.
THE TULIPOMANIA.
Alboni, the singer, had an exquisitely sweet voice, but
was a very big fat woman. Somebody accordingly re
marked that she was an elephant that had swallowed a
nightingale. About as incongruous is the idea of a na
tion of damp, foggy, fat, full-figured, broad-sterned, gin-
drinking, tobacco-smoking Dutchmen in Holland, going
crazy over a flower. But they did so, for three or four
years together. Their craze is known in history as the
Tulipomania, because it was a mania about tulips.
Just a word about the Dutchmen first.
These stout old fellows were not only hardy naviga
tors, keen discoverers, ingenious engineers, laborious
workmen, able financiers, shrewd and rich merchants,
enthusiastic patriots and tremendous fighters, but they
were eminently distinguished (as they still are to a
considerable extent) by a love, of elegant literature,
poetry, painting, music and other fine arts, including
horticulture. It was a Fleming that invented painting
in oils. Before him, white of egg was used, or gum-
water, or some such imperfect material, for spreading
the color. Erasmus, one of the most learned, ready-
minded, acute, graceful and witty scholars that ever
lived, was a Dutchman. All Holland and Flanders,
in days when they were richer, and stronger compared
MONEY MANIAS. 205
with the rest of the world than they are now, were
full of singing societies and musical societies and poe
try making societies. The universities of Leyden and
Utrecht and Louvain are of highly an ancient Euro
pean fame. And as for flowers, and bulbs in particular,
Holland is a principal home and market of them now,
more than two hundred years after the time I am going
to tell of.
Tulips grow wild in Southern Russia, the Crimea
and Asia Minor, as potatoes do in Peru. The first
tulip in Christian Europe was raised in Augsburg, in
the garden of a flower-loving lawyer, one Counsellor
Herwart, in the year 1559. thirteen years after Luther
died. This tulip bulb was sent to Herwart from Con-,
stantinople. For about eighty years after this the flow
er continually increased in repute and became more
and more known and cultivated, until the fantastic ea
gerness ot* the demand for fine ones and the great prices
that they brought, resulted in a real mania like that
about the moms multicaulis, or the petroleum mania
of to-day, but much more intense. It began in the.
year 1635, and went out with an explosion in the year
1837.
This tulip business is, I believe, the only speculative
excitement in history whose subject-matter did not even
claim to have any real value. Petroleum is worth
some shillings a gallon for actual use for many purposes.
Stocks always claim to represent some real trade or bu
siness. The morns multicaulis was to be as permanent
a source of wealth as corn, and was expected to pro
duce the well known mercantile substance of silk. But
206 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
nobody ever pretended that tulips could be eaten, or
manufactured, or consumed in any way of practical use
fulness. They have not one single quality of the kind
termed useful. They have nothing desirable except
the beauty of a peculiarly short-lived blossom. You
can do absolutely nothing with them except to look at
them. A speculation in them is exactly as reasonable
as one in butterflies would be.
In the course of about one year, 1634-5, the tulip
frenzy, after having increased for fifteen or twenty
years with considerable speed, came to a climax, and
poisoned the whole Dutch nation. Prices had at the
end of this short period risen from high to extravagant,
and from extravagant to insane. High and low, counts,
burgomasters, merchants, shop-keepers, servants, shoe
blacks, all were buying and selling tulips like mad. In
order to make the commodity of the day accessible to
all, a new weight was invented, called a perit, so small
that there were about eight thousand of them in one
pound avoirdupois, and a single tulip root weighing
from half an ounce to an ounce, would contain from
200 to 400 of these perits. Thus, anybody unable to
buy a whole tulip, could buy a perit or two, and have
what the lawyers call an " undivided interest" in a root.
This way of owning shows how utterly unreal was the
pretended value. For imagine a small owner attempt
ing to. take his own perits and put them in his pocket.
He would make a little hole in the tulip-root, would
probably kill it, and would certainly obtain a little bit
of utterly worthless pulp for himself, and no value at
all. There was a whole code of business regulations
MONEY MANIAS. 207
made to meet the peculiar needs of the tulip business,
besides, and in every town were to be found " tulip-no
taries," to conduct the legal part of the business, take
acknowledgments of deeds, note protests, &c.
To say that the tulips were worth their weight in
gold would be a very small story. It would not be a
very great exaggeration to say that they were worth
their size in diamonds. The most valuable species of
all w r as named " Semper Augustus," and a bulb of it
which weighed 200 perits, or less than half an ounce
avoirdupois, was thought cheap at 5,500 florins. A
florin may be called about 40 cents ; so that the little
brown root was worth $2,200, or 220 gold eagles,
which would weigh, by a rough estimate, eight pounds
four ounces, or 132 ounces avoirdupois. Thus this half
ounce Semper Augustus was worth I mean he would
bring two hundred and sixty-four times his weight in
gold!
There were many cases where people invested whole
fortunes equal to $40,000 or $50,000 in collections of
forty or fifty tulip roots. Once there happened to be
only two Semper Augustuses in all Holland, one in
Haarlem and one in Amsterdam. The Haarlem one
was sold for twelve acres of building lots, and the Am
sterdam one for a sum equal to $1,840,00, together
with a new carriage, span of grey horses and double
harness, complete.
Here is the list of merchandise and estimated prices
given for one root of the Viceroy tulip. It is interest
ing as showing what real merchandise was worth in
those days by a cash standard, aside from its exhibition
of tremendous speculative bedlamism :
208 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
160 bushels wheat . . $179,20
320 bushels rye . . 223,20
Four fat oxen . . . 192,00
Eight fat hogs . . . 96,00
Twelve fat sheep . . 48,00
Two hogsheads wine . . 28,00
Four tuns beer . . 12,80
Two tuns butter . . . 76,80
1000 Ibs. cheese . . 48,00
A bed all complete . . 40,00
One suit clothes . . 32,00
A silver drinking cup . . 24,00
Total exactly $1,000,00
In 1636, regular tulip exchanges were established in
the nine Dutch towns where the largest tulip business
was done, and while the gambling was at its intensest, the
matter was managed exactly as stock camblinor is man-
O / O
aged in Wall street to-day. You went out into " the
street " without owning a tulip or a perit of a tulip in
the world, and met another fellow with just as many
tulips as yourself. You talk and " banter " with him,
and finally (we will suppose) you " sell short " ten
Semper Augustuses, " seller three," for 2,000 each,
in all $20,000. This means in ordinary English, that
without having any tulips (i. e., short,) you promise to
deliver the ten roots as above in three days from date.
Now when the three days are up, if Semper Augustuses
are worth in the market only $1,500, you could, if this
were a real transaction, buy ten of them for $15,000, and
deliver them to the other gambler for $20,000, thus
winning from him the difference of $5,000. But if the
MONEY MANIAS. 209
roots have risen and are worth $2,500 each, then if the
transactions were real you would have to pay ,$25,000
for the ten roots and could only get $20,000 from the
other gambler, and he, turning round and selling them
at the market price, would win from you this difference
of $5,000. But in fact the transaction was not real,
it was a stock gambling one ; neither party owned tu
lips or meant to, or expected the other to ; and the
whole was a pure game of chance or skill, to see which
should win and which should lose that $5,000 at the
end of three days. When the time came, the affair
was settled, still without any tulips, by the loser paying
the difference to the winner, exactly as one loses what
the other wins at a game of poker or faro. Of course
if you can set afloat a smart lie after making your bar
gain, such as will send prices up or down as your profit
requires, you make money by it, just as stock gamblers
do every day in New York, London, Paris, and other
Christian commercial cities.
While this monstrous Dutch gambling fury lasted,
money was plenty, everybody felt rich and Holland was
in a whiz of windy delight. After about three years of
fool s paradise, people began to reflect that the shuttle
cock could not be knocked about in the air forever, and
that when it came down somebody would be hurt. So
first one and then another began quietly to sell out and
quit the game, without buying in again. This cautious
infection quickly spread like a pestilence, as it always
does in such cases, and became a perfect panic or
fright. All at once, as it were, rich people all over
Holland found themselves with nothing in the world
210 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
except a pocket full or a garden-bed full of flower roots
that nobody would buy and that were not good to eat,
and would not have made more than one tureen of soup
if they were.
Of course this state of things caused innumerable
bankruptcies, quarrels, and refusals to complete bar
gains, everywhere. The government and the courts
were appealed to, but with Dutch good sense they re
fused to enforce gambling transactions, and though the
cure was very severe because very sudden, they prefer-
ed to let "the bottom drop out" of the whole affair at
once. So it did. Almost everybody was either ruined
or impoverished. The very few who had kept any or
all of their gains by selling out in season, remained so
far rich. And the vast actual business interests of Hol
land received a damaging check, from which it took many
years to recover.
There were some curious incidents in the course of
the tulipomania. They have been told before, but they
are worth telling again, as the poet says, " To point the
moral or adorn the tale. r
A sailor brought to a rich Dutch merchant news of
O
the safe arrival of a very valuable cargo from the Le
vant. The old hunks rewarded the mariner for his good
tidings with one red herring for breakfast. Now Ben
Bolt (if that was his name perhaps as he was a
Dutchman it was something like Benje Boltje) was
very fond of onions, and spying one on the counter as
he went out of the store, he slipped it into his pocket,
and strolling back to the wharf, sat down to an odorif-
MONEY MANIAS. 211
ous breakfast of onions and herring. He munched
away without finding anything unusual in the flavor,
until just as he was through, down came Mr. Merchant,
tearing along like a madman at the head of an excited
procession of clerks, and flying upon the luckless son of
Neptune, demanded what he had carried off besides his
herring ?
O
" An onion that I found on the counter."
" Where is it ? Give it back instantly ! "
" Just ate it up with my herring, mynheer."
Wretched merchant ! In a fury of useless grief he
apprized the sailor that his sacrilegious back teeth had
demolished a Semper Augustus valuable enough, explain
ed the unhappy old fellow, to have feasted the Prince of
Orange and the Stadtholder s whole court. " Thieves ! "
he cried out " Seize the rascal ! " So they did seize
him, and he was actually tried, condemned and impris
oned for some months, all of which however did not
bring back the tulip root. It is a question after all in
my mind, whether that sailor was really as green as he
pretended, and whether he did not know very well
what he was taking. It would have been just like a
reckless seaman s trick to eat up the old miser s twelve
hundred dollar root, to teach him not to give such stingy
gifts next time.
An English traveller, very fond of botany, was one
day in the conservatory of a rich Dutchman, when he
saw a strange bulb lying on a shelf. With that ex
treme coolness and selfishness which too many travel
lers have exercised, what does he do but take out his
212 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
penknife and carefully dissect it, peeling off the outer
coats, and quartering the innermost part, making all
the time a great many wise observations on the phe
nomena of the strange new root. In came the Dutch
man all at once, and seeing what was going on, he
asked the Englishman, with rage in his eyes, but with
a low bow and that sort of restrained formal civility
which sometimes covers the most furious anger, if he
knew what he was about ?
" Peeling a very curious onion," answered Mr. Trav
eller, us calmly as if one had a perfect right to destroy
other people s property to gratify his own curiosity.
" One hundred thousand devils ! " burst out the
Dutchman, expressing the extent of his anger by the
number of evil spirits he invoked " It is an Admiral
van der Eyck ! " ,
" Indeed ? " remarked the scientific traveller, " thank
you. Are there a good many of these admirals in your
country ? " and he drew forth his note book to write
down the little fact.
" Death and the devil ! " swore the enraged Dutch
man again " come before the Syndic and you shall
find out all abofct it ! " So he collared the astounded
onion-peeler, and despite all he could say, dragged him
straightway before the magistrate, where his scientific
zeal suffered a dreadful quencher in the shape of an
affidavit that the "onion" was worth four thousand
florins about $1600 and in the immediate judg
ment of the Court, which " considered " that the pris
oner be forthwith clapt into jail until he should give
security for the amount. He had to do so accordingly,
MONEY MANIAS. 213
and doubtless all his life retained a distaste for Dutch
men and Dutch onions.
These stories about such monstrous valuations of
flower roots recall to my mind another anecdote which
I shall tell, not because it has anything to do with tu
lips, but because it is about a Dutchman, and shows in
striking contrast an equally low valuation of human
life. It is this : Once, in time of peace, an English
and a Dutch Admiral met at sea, each in his flag ship,
and for some reason or other exchanged complimentary
salutes. By accident, one of the Englishman s guns
was shotted and misdirected, and killed one of the
Dutch crew. On hearing the fact the Englishman at
once manned a boat and went to apologize, to inquire
about the poor fellow s family and to send them some
mone} . provide for the funeral, etc. etc., as a kind
hearted man would naturally do. But the Dutch
commander, on meeting him at the quarter-deck, and
learning his errand, at once put all his kindly intentions
completely one side, saying in imperfect English :
" It sh no matter, it sh no matter dere s blaanty
more Tutchmen in Holland !
CHAPTER XXVI.
JOHN BULL S GREAT MONEY HUMBUG. THE SOUTH SEA
BUBBLE IN 1720.
The "South Sea Bubble" is one of the most start
ling lessons which history gives us of the ease with
214 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
which the most monstrous, and absurd, and wicked
humbugs can be crammed down the throat of poor hu
man nature. It ought also to be a useful warning of
the folly of mere " speculation," as compared with real
" business undertakings." The history of the South Sea
Bubble has been told, before, but it is too prominent a
case to be entirely passed over. It occupied a period
of about eight months, from February 1, 1720, to the
end of the following September. It was an unreason
able expansion of the value of the stock of the " South
Sea Company." This Company was formed in 1711 ;
its stock was at first about $30,000,000, subscribed by
the public and handed over by the corporators to Gov
ernment to meet certain troublesome public debts. In
return, Government guaranteed the stockholders a div
idend of six per cent., and gave the Company sundry
permanent important duties and a monopoly of all trade
to the South Pacific, or " South Sea." This matter
went on with fair success as a money enterprise, until
the birth of the u Bubble," which was as follows : In
the end of January, 1720, probably in consequence of
catching infection from " Law s Mississippi Scheme "
in France, the South Sea Company and the Bank of
England made competing propositions to the English
Government, to repeat the original South Sea Compa
ny financiering plan on a larger scale. The proposi
tion of the Company, which was accepted by Govern
ment, was : to assume as before the whole public debt,
now amounting to over one hundred and fifty millions
of dollars ; and to be guaranteed at first a five per cent,
dividend, and afterward a four per cent, one, to the
MONEY MANIAS. 215
stockholders by Government. For this privilege, the
Company agreed to pay outright a bonus of more than
seventeen million dollars. This plan is said to have
been originated and principally carried through by Sir
John Blunt, one of the Company s directors. Parlia
ment adopted it after two months discussion the
Bubble having, however, been swelling monstrously all
the time.
It must be remembered that the wonderful profits
expected from the Company were to come from their
monopoly of the South Sea trade. Tremendous stories
were told by Blunt and his friends, who can hardly
have believed more than one half of their own talk,
about a free trade with all the Spanish Pacific colonies,
the importation of silver and gold from Peru and Mex
ico in return for dry goods, etc., etc.; all which fine
things were going to produce two or three times the
amount of the Company s stock every year. When
the bill authorizing the arrangement passed, South Sea
stock had already reached a price of four hundred per
cent. The bill was stoutly opposed in Parliament by
Mr. afterwards Sir Robert Walpole, and a few
others but in vain. Under the operation of the beau
tiful stories of the speculative Blunt and his friends,
South Sea stock, after a short lull in April, began to
rise again, and the bubble swelled and swelled to a size
so monstrous, and with colors so gay, that it filled the
whole horizon of poor foolish John Bull : perfectly
turned his bull-headed brain, and made him for the
time absolutely crazy. The directors opened books on
April 12th for <5, 000,000 new stock, charging, how-
216 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
ever, 300 for each share of =100, or three hundred
per cent, to begin with. Double the amount was sub
scribed in a few clays ; that is, John Bull subscribed
thirty million dollars for ten millions of stock, where
only five millions were to be had. In a few days more,
these subscribers were selling at double what they paid.
April 21st. a ten per cent, dividend was voted for mid
summer. In a day or two, another five million sub
scription was opened at four hundred per cent, to begin
with. The whole, and half as much more, was taken
in a few hours. In the end of May, South Sea stock
was worth five hundred to one. On the 28th, it was
five hundred and fifty. In four days more, for some
reason or other, it jumped up to eight hundred and
ninety. The speculating Blunt kept all this time blow
ing and blowing at his bubble. All summer, he and
his friends blew and blew ; and all summer the bubble
swelled and floated, and shone ; and high and low, men
and women, lords and ladies, clergymen, princesses and
duchesses, merchants, gamblers, tradesmen, dressmak
ers, footmen, bought and sold. In the beginning of
August, South Sea stock stood at one thousand per
cent ! It was really worth about twenty-five per cent.
The crowding in Exchange Alley, the Wall street of
the day, was tremendous. So noisy, and unmanage
able and excited was this mob of greedy fools, that the
very same stock was sometimes selling ten per cent,
higher at one end of the Alley than at the other.
The growth of this monstrous, noxious bubble hatch
ed out a multitude of young cockatrices. Not only was
the stock of the India Company, the Bank of England,
MONEY MANIAS. 217
and other sound concerns, much increased in price by
sympathy with this fury of speculation, but a great
number of utterly ridiculous schemes and barefaced
swindles were ad\ r ertised and successfully imposed on
the public. Any piece of paper purporting to be stock
could be sold for money. Not the least thought of in-
vestio-atinp; the solvency of advertisers seems to have oc-
Cr^ o t/
curred to anybody. Nor was any rank free from the
poison. Almost a hundred projects were before the
public at once, some of them incredibly brazen hum
bugs. There were schemes for a wheel for perpetual
motion capital, $ 5, 000. 000; for trading in hair (for
wigs), in those days u a big thing;" for furnishing
funerals to any part of Britain ; for " improving the art
if making soap ; " for importing walnut-trees from Vir
ginia capital, $10.000,000 ; for insuring against losses
hy servants capital $15,000,000 ; for making quick
silver malleable ; Puckle s Machine Company," for
discharging cannon-balls and bullets, both round and
O O
square, and so on. One colossal genius in humbugging
actually advertised in these words : " A company for
carrying on an undertaking of great advantage, but no
body to know what it is." The capital he called for was
$2,500,000, in shares of $500 each ; deposit on subscrib
ing, $10 per share. Each subscriber was promised $500
per share per annum, and full particulars were to be
given in a month, when the rest of the subscription
was to be paid. This great financier, having put forth
his prospectus, opened his office in Cornhill next morn
ing at nine o clock. Crowds pressed upon him. At
three p. M., John Bull had paid this immense humbug
218 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
$10,000, being deposits on a thousand shares subscribed
for. That night, the financier a shrewd man!
modestly retired to an unknown place upon the Conti
nent, and was never heard of again. Another humbug
almost as preposterous, was that of the " Globe Permits."
These were square pieces of playing-cards with a seal
on them, haA^ing the picture of the Globe Tavern, and
with the words, " Sailcloth Permits." What they
" permitted " was a subscription at some future period
to a sailcloth-factory, projected by a certain capitalist.
These " permits " sold at one time for -$300 each.
But the more sensible members of Government soon
exerted their influence against these lesser and more
palpable humbugs. Some accounts say that the South
Sea Company itself grew jealous, for it was reckoned
that these " side-shows " called for a total amount of
$1,500,000,000, and itself took legal means against
them. At any rate, an " order in council " was pub
lished, peremptorily dismissing and dissolving them all.
During August, it leaked out that Sir John Blunt
and some other " insiders " had sold out their South
Sea stock. There was also some charges of unfairness
in managing subscriptions. After so long and so in
tense an excitement, the time for reaction and collapse
was come. The price of stock began to fall in spite of
all that the directors could do. September 2, it was
down to 700.
A general meeting of the company was held to try
to whitewash matters, but in vain. The stock fell, fell,
fell. The great humbug had- received its death-blow.
Thousands of families saw beggary staring them in the
MONEY MANIAS. 219
face, grasping them with its iron hand. The conster
nation was inexpressible. Out of it a great popular
rage began to flame np, just as fires often break out
among the prostrate houses of a city ruined by an earth
quake. Efforts were meanwhile vainly made to stay
the ruin by help from the Bank of England. Bankers
and goldsmiths (then often doing a banking business)
absconded daily. Business corporations failed. Credit
was almost paralyzed. In the end of September, the
stock fell to 175/150, 135.
Meanwhile violent riots were feared. South Sea di
rectors could not be seen in the streets without being
insulted. The King, then in Hanover, was imperative
ly sent for home, and had to come. So extensive was
the misfortune and the wrath of the people, so numer
ous the public meetings and petitions from all over the
kingdom, that Parliament found it necessary to grant
the public demand, and to initiate a formal inquiry into
the whole enterprise. This was done ; and the fool
ish, swindled, disappointed, angry nation, through this
proceeding, vented all the wrath it could upon the per
sons and estates of the manao-ers and officers of the
O
South Sea Company. They were forbidden to leave
the kingdom, their property \vas sequestrated, they were
placed in custody and examined. Those of them in
Parliament were insulted there to their faces, several of
them expelled, the most violent charges made against
them all, A secret investigating committee was set to
rip up the whole affair. Knight, the treasurer, who
possessed all the dangerous secrets of the concern, ran
away to Calais and the Continent, and so escaped.
The books were found to have been either destroyed,
220 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
secreted, or mutilated and garbled. Stock bribes of
$250,000, $150,000, $50,000 had been paid to the Earl
of Sunderland, the Duchess of Kendal (the King s fa
vorite,) Mr. Craggs (one of the Secretaries of State,)
and others. Mr. Aislabie, the Chancellor of the Ex
chequer, had accumulated $4,250,000 and more out of
the business. Many other noblemen, gentlemen, and
reputable merchants were disgracefully involved.
The trials that were had resulted in the imprison
ment, expulsion or degradation of Aislabie, Craggs, Sir
George Caswell (a banker and member of the House,)
and others. Blunt, a Mr. Stanhope, and a number
more of the chief criminals were stripped of their wealth,
amounting to from $135,000 to $1.200,000 each, and
the proceeds used for the partial relief of the ruined,
except amounts left to the culprits to begin the world
anew. Blunt, the chief of all the swindlers, was strip
ped of about $925,000, and allowed only $5,000. By
this means and by the use of such actual property as
the Company did possess, about one-third of the money
lost by its means was ultimately paid to the losers. It
was a long time, however, before the tone of public
credit was thoroughly restored.
The history of the South Sea bubble should always
stand as a beacon to warn us that reckless speculation
is the bane of commerce, and that the only sure meth
od of gaining a fortune, and certainly of enjoying it, is
to diligently prosecute some legitimate calling, which,
like the quality of mercy, is " twice blessed." Every
man s occupation should be beneficial to his fellow-man
as well as profitable to himself. All else is vanity and
folly.
MONEY MANIAS. 221
CHAPTER XXVII.
BUSINESS HUMBUGS. JOHN LAW. THE MISSISSIPPI
SCHEME. JOHNNY CRAPAUD AS GREEDY AS JOHNNY
BULL.
In the " good old times," people were just as eager
after money as they are now ; and a great deal more
vulgar, unscrupulous, and foolish in their endeavors to
get it. During about two hundred years after the dis
covery of America, that continent was a constant source
of great and little money humbugs. The Spaniards
and Portuguese and French and English all insisted
upon thinking that America was chiefly made of gold ;
perhaps believing, as the man said about Colorado, that
the hardship of the place was, that you have to dig
through three or four feet of solid silver before the
gold could be reached. . This curious delusion is shown
by the fact that the early charters of lands in America
so uniformly reserved to the King his proportion of all
gold and silver that should be found. And if gold
were not to be had, these lazy Europeans were equally
crazy about the rich merchandize which they made sure
of finding in the vast and solitary American mountains
and forests.
In a previous letter, I have shown how one of those
delusions, about the unbounded wealth to be obtained
from the countries on the South Sea, caused the English
South Sea bubble.
222 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
A similar belief, at the same time, in the neighboring
country of France, formed the airy basis of a similar
business humbug, even more gigantic, noxious, and de
structive. This was John Law s Mississippi scheme,
of which I shall give an account in this chapter. It
was, I think, the greatest business humbug of history.
Law was a Scotchman, shrewd and able, a really
good financier for those days, but vicious, a gambler,
unprincipled, and liable to wild schemes. He had pos
sessed a good deal of property, had traveled and gam
bled all over Europe, was witty, entertaining, and cap
ital company, and had become a favorite with the Duke
of Orleans and other French nobles. When the Duke
became Regent of France at the death of Louis XIV,
in 1715, that country was horribly in debt, and its peo
ple in much misery, owing to the costly wars and flay
ing taxations of the late King. When, therefore, Law
came to Paris with a promising scheme of finance in
his hand, the Regent was particularly glad to see him,
both as financier and as friend.
The Regent quickly fell in with Law s plans ; and in
the spring of 1716, the first step not, however, so in
tended at the time toward the Mississippi Scheme
was taken. This was, the establishment by royal au
thority of the banking firm of Law & Co., consisting
of Law and his brother. This bank, by a judicious or
ganization and issue of paper money, quickly began to
help the distressed finances of the kingdom, and to in
vigorate trade and commerce. This success, which
seems to have been an entirely sound and legitimate
business success, made one sadly mistaken but very
MONEY MANIAS. 223
deep impression upon the ignorant and shallow mind of
the Regent of France, which was the foundation of all
the subsequent trouble. The Regent became firmly
convinced, that if a certain quantity of bank bills could
do so much good, a hundred thousand times as many
bills would surely do a hundred thousand times as much.
That is, he thought printing and issuing the bills was
creating money. He paid no regard to the need of
providing specie for them on demand, but thought he
had an unlimited money factory in the city of Pans.
So far, so good. Next, Law planned, and, with the
ever ready consent of the Regent, effected, an enlarge
ment of the business of his bank, based on that delu
sion I spoke of about America. This enlargement was
the formation of the Mississippi Company, and this was
the contrivance which swelled into so tremendous a
humbug. The company was closely connected with the
banks, and received (to begin with) the monopoly of all
trade to the Mississippi River, and all the country west
of it. It was expected to obtain vast quantities of gold
and silver from that region, and thus to make immense
dividends on its stock. At home, it was to have the
sole charge of collecting all the taxes and coining all
the money. Stock was issued to the amount of one
hundred thousand shares, at $200 (five hundred livres)
each. And Law s help to the Government funds was
continued by permitting this stock to be paid for in
those funds, at their par value, though worth in market
only about a third of it. Subscriptions came in rapidly
for the French community was far more ignorant
about commercial affairs, finances, and the real re-
224 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
sources of distant regions, than we can easily conceive
of now-a-days ; and not only the Regent, but every
man, woman, and child in France, except a very few
tough and hard-headed old skeptics, believed every
word Law said, and would have believed him if he had
told stories a hundred times as incredible.
Well, pretty soon the Regent gave the associates
the bank and the company two other monopolies:
that of tobacco, always monstrously profitable, and that
of refining gold and silver. Pretty soon, again, he
created the bank a state institution, by- the magnificent
name of The Royal Bank of France. Having done
this, the Regent could control the bank in spite of Law
(or order either) ; for, in those days, the kings of
France were almost perfectly despotic, and the Regent
was acting king. I have mentioned the Regent s ter
rible delusion about paper-money. No sooner had he
the bank in his power, than he added to the reasonable
and useful total of 812,000,000 of notes already out, a
monstrous issue of $200,000,000 worth in one vast
batch, with the firm conviction that he was thus adding
so much to the par currency of France.
The Parliament of France, a body mostly of lawyers,
originating in the Middle Ages, a steady, conservative,
wise, and brave assembly, was always hostile to Law
and his schemes. When this great expansion of paper-
currency began, the Parliament made a resolute fight
against it, petitioning, ordaining, threatening to hang
Law, and frightening him well, too ; for the thorough en
mity of an assembly of old lawyers may well frighten
anybody. At last, the Regent, by the use of the des-
MONEY MANIAS. 225
potic power of which the Kings of France had so much,
reduced these old fellows to silence by sticking a few
of them in jail.
The cross-grained Parliament thus disposed of, every
thing was quickly made to "look lovely." In the be
ginning of 1719, more grants were made to Law s asso
ciated concerns. The Mississippi Company was granted
the monopoly of all trade to the East Indies, China, the
South Seas, and all the territories of the French India
Company, and of the Senegal Company. It took a
new and imposing name : " The Company of the In
dies." They had already, by the way, also obtained
the monopoly of the Canada beaver-trade. Of this co
lossal corporation, monopolizing the whole foreign com
merce of France with two-thirds or more of the world,
its whole home finances, and other important interests
besides, fifty thousand new shares were issued, as before,
at $100 each. These might be bought as before, with
Government securities at par. Law was so bold as to
promise annual dividends of 20 per share, which, as
the Government funds stood, was one hundred and
twenty per cent, per annum.! Every body believed
him. More than three hundred thousand applications
were made for the new shares. Law was besieged in
his house by more than twice as many people as Gener
al Grant had to help -him take Richmond. The Great
Huinbu o 1 was at last in full buzz. The street where
O
the wonderful Scotchman lived was busy, filled, crowd
ed, jammed, choked. Dangerous accidents happened
in it every day, from the excessive pressure. From,
the princes of the blood down to cobblers and lackeys,
226 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
all men and all women crowded and crowded to sub
scribe their money, and to pay their money, and to
know how many shares they had gotten. Law moved
to a roomier street, and the crazy mob crowded harder
than ever ; so that the Chancellor, who held his court
of law hard by, could not hear his lawyers.
A tremendous uproar surely, that could drown the
voices of those gentlemen ! And so he moved again,
to the great Hotel de Soissons, a vast palace, with a
garden of some acres. Fantastic circumstances varie
gated the wild rush of speculation. The haughtiest of
the nobility rented mean rooms near Law s abode, to be
able to get at him. Rents in his neighborhood rose to
twelve and sixteen times their usual amount. A cob
bler, whose lines had fallen in those pleasant places,
made $40 a day by letting his stall and furnishing writ
ing materials to speculators. Thieves and disreputable
characters of all sorts flocked to this concourse. There
were riots and quarrels all the time. They often had
to send a troop of cavalry to clear the street at night.
Gamblers posted themselves with their implements
among the speculators, who gambled harder than the
gamblers, and took an occasional turn at roulette by
way of slackening the excitement ; as people go to
sleep, or go into the country. A hunchback fellow
made a good deal of money by letting people write on
his back. When Law had moved into the Hotel de
Soissons, the former owner, the Prince de Carignan,
reserved the gardens, procured an edict confining all
stock-dealings to that place ; put up five hundred tents
there, leased them at five hundred livres a month each,
MONEY MANIAS. 227
and thus made money at the rate of $50,000 a month.
There were just two of the aristocracy who were sensi
ble and resolute enough not to speculate in the stock
The Duke de St. Simon and the old Marshal Villars.
Law became infinitely the most important person in
the kingdom. Great and small, male and female, high
and low, haunted his offices and ante-chambers, hunted
him down, plagued his very life out, to get a moment s
speech with him, and get him to enter their names as
buyers of stock. The highest nobles would wait halt
a day for the chance. His servants received great sums
to announce some visitor s name. Ladies of the highest
rank gave him anything he would ask of them for leave
to buy stock. One of them made her coachmen upset
her out of her carriage as Law came by, to get a word
with him. He helped her up ; she got the word, and
bought some stock. Another lady ran into the house
where he was at dinner, and raised a cry of fire.
The rest ran out, but she ran further in to reach Law,
who saw what she was at, and like a pecuniary Joseph,
ran away as fast as he could.
As the frenzy rose toward its height, and the Regent
took advantage of it to issue stock enough to pay the
whole national debt, namely, three hundred thousand
new shares, at $1,000 each, or a thousand per cent, in
the par value. They were instantly taken. Three
times as many would have been instantly taken. So
violent were the changes of the market, that shares rose
or fell twenty per cent, within a few hours. A servant
was sent to sell two hundred and fifty shares of stock ;
found on reaching the gardens of the Hotel de Soissons,
228 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
that since he left his master s house the price had risen
from $1,600 (par value 8100 remember) to $ 2,000.
The servant sold, gave his master the proceeds at
81,600 a share, put the remaining $100,000 in his own
pocket, and left France that evening. Law s coach
man became so rich that he left service, and set up his
own coach ; and when his master asked him to find a
successor, he brought two candidates, and told Law to
choose, and he would take the other himself. There
were many absurd cases of vulgarians made rich.
There were also many robberies and murders. That
committed by the Count de Horn, one of the higher
nobility and two accomplices, is a famous case. The
Count, a dissipated rascal, poniarded a broker in a tav
ern for the money the broker carried with him. But
he was taken, and, in spite of the utmost and most de
termined exertions of the nobility, the Regent had him
broken on the wheel in public, like any other mur
derer.
The stock of the Company of the Indies, though it
dashed up and down ten and twenty per cent, from day
to day, was from the first immensely inflated. In Au
gust 1719, it sold at 610 per cent. ; in a few weeks
more it arose to 1,200 per cent, all winter it still went
up until, in April 1720, it stood at 2,050 per cent.
That is, one one-hundred dollar share would sell for two
thousand and fifty dollars.
At this extreme point of inflation, the bubble stood
a little, shining splendidly as bubbles do when they are
nearest bursting, and then it received two or three quiet
pricks. The Prince de Conti, enraged because Law
MONEY MANIAS. 229
would not send him some shares on his own terms, sent
three wagon-loads of bills to Law s bank, demanding spe
cie. Law paid it, and complained to the Regent, who
made him put two-thirds of it back again. A shrewd
stock-gambler drew specie by small sums until lie had
about $200,000 in coin, and lest he should be forced to
return it, lie packed it in a cart, covered it with ma
nure, put on a peasant s disguise, and carted his fortune
over the frontiers into Belgium. Some others quietly
realized their means in like manner by driblets and
funded them abroad.
By such means coin gradually grew very scarce, and
signs of a panic appeared. The Regent tried to adjust
matters by a decree that coin should be five per cent.
less than paper ; as much as to say, It is hereby enacted
that there is a great deal more coin than than there is !
This did not serve, and the Regent decreed again, that
coin should be worth ten per cent, less than paper.
Then he decreed that the bank must not pay more than
$22 at once in specie ; and, finally, by a bold stretch of
his authority, he issued an edict that no person should
have over $100 in coin, on pain of fine and confiscation.
These odious laws made a great deal of trouble, spying,
and distress, and rapidly aggravated the difficulty they
were meant to cure. The price of shares in the great
company began to fall steadily and rapidly. Law and
the Regent began to be universally hated, cursed, and
threatened. Various foolish and vain attempts were
made to stay the coming ruin, by renewing the stories
about Louisiana sending out a lot of conscripted labor
ers, ordering that all payments must be made in paper,
230 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
and printing a new batch of notes, to the amount of
another $300,000,000. Law s two corporations were
also doctored in several ways. The distress and fright
grew worse. An edict was issued that Law s notes and
shares should depreciate gradually by law for a year,
and then be worth but half their face. This made
such a tumult and outcry that the Regent had to re
tract it in seven days. On this seventh day, Law s
bank stopped paying specie. Law was turned out ol
his public employments, but still well treated by the
Regent in private. He was, however, mobbed and
stoned in his coach in the street, had to have a compa
ny of Swiss Guards in his house, and at last had to flee
to the Regent s own palace.
I have not space to describe in detail the ruin, mis
ery, tumults, loss and confusion which attended the
speedy descent of Law s paper and shares to . entire
worthlessness. Thousands of families were made pau
pers, and trade and commerce destroyed by the painful
process. Law himself escaped out of France poor ; and,
after another obscure and disreputable career of gam
bling, died in poverty at Venice, in 1729.
Thus this enormous business-humbug first raised a
whole nation into a fool s paradise of imaginary wealth,
and then exploded, leaving its projector and many thou
sands of victims ruined, the country disturbed and dis
tressed, long-enduring consequences, in vicious and law
less and unsteady habits, contracted while the delusion
lasted, and no single benefit except one more most
dearly-bought lesson of the wicked folly of mere specu
lation without a real business basis and a real business
MONEY MANIAS. 231
method. Let not this lesson he lost on the rampant
and half-crazed speculators of the present day. Those
who buy gold or flour, leather, butter, dry goods, gro
ceries, hardware, or anything else on speculation, when
prices are inflated far beyond the ordinary standard, are
taking upon themselves great risks, for the bubble must
eventually be pricked ; and whoever is the " holder "
when that time comes, must necessarily be the loser.
V. MEDICINE AND QUACKS.
CHAPTER XXVII.
DOCTORS AND IMAGINATION. FIRING A JOKE OUT OF
A CANNON. THE PARIS EYE WATER. MAJENDIE
ON MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE. OLD SANDS OF LIFE.
Medical humbugs constitute a very critical subject
indeed, because I shall be almost certain to offend some
of three parties concerned, namely ; physicians, quacks,
and patients. But it will never do to neglect so impor
tant a division of my whole theme as this.
To begin with, it is necessary to suggest, in the most
delicate manner in the world, that there is a small in
fusion of humbug among the very best of the regular
practitioners. These gentlemen, for whose learning,
kind-heartedness, self-devotion, and skill I entertain
a profound respect, make use of what I may call the
gaseous element of their practice, not for the lucre of
gain, but in order to enlist the imaginations of their pa
tients in aid of nature and great remedies.
The stories are infinite in number, which illustrate
the force of imagination, ranging through all the grades
of mental action, from the lofty visions of good men
who dream of seeing heaven opened to them, and all
its ineffable glories and delights, down to the low com
edy conceit of the fellow who put a smoked herring in
to the tail of his coat and imagined himself a mermaid.
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 233
Probably, however, imagination displays its real
power more wonderfully in the operations of the mind
on the body that holds it, than anywhere else. It is
true that there are some people even so utterly without
imagination that they cannot take a joke ; such as that
grave man of Scotland who was at last plainly told by
a funny friend quite out of patience, " Why, you
wouldn t take a ioke if it were fired at you out of a
J /
cannon ! "
" Sir," replied the Scot, with sound reasoning and
grave thought, " Sir, you are absurd. You cannot
fire a joke out of a cannon ! "
But to return : It is certainly the case that frequent
ly " the doctor r .takes great care not to let the patient
know what is the matter, and even not to let him know
what he is swallowing. This is because a good many
/
people, if at a critical point of disease, may be made to
turn toward health if made to believe that they are
doing so, but would be frightened, in the literal sense
of the words, to death, if told what a dangerous state
they are in.
One sort of regular practice humbug is rendered ne
cessary by the demands of the patients. This is giving
good big doses of something with a horrid smell and
taste. There are plenty of people who don t believe
the doctor does anything to earn his money, if he does
not pour down some dirty brown or black stuff very
nasty in flavor. Some, still more exacting, wish for
that sort of testimony which depends on internal con
vulsions, and will not be satisfied unless they suffer tor
ments and expel stuff enough to quiet the inside of
Mount Vesuvius or Popocatapetl.
234 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
" He s a good doctor," was the verdict of one of this
class of leather-boweled fellows " he ll work your in-
ards for you ! "
It is a milder form of this same method to give what
the learned faculty term a placebo. This is a thing in
the outward form of medicine, but quite harmless in
itself. Such is a bread-pill, for instance ; or a draught
of colored water, with a little disagreeable taste in it.
These will often keep the patient s imagination headed
in the right direction, while good old Dame Nature is
quietly mending up the damages in " the soul s dark
cottage."
One might almost fancy that, in proportion as the
physician is more skillful, by so much he gives less med
icine, and relies more on imagination, nature, and,
above all, regimen and nursing. Here is a story in
point. There was an old gentleman in Paris, who sold
a famous eye-water, and made much gain thereby. He
died, however, one fine day, and unfortunately forgot
to leave the recipe on record. " His disconsolate widow
continued the business at the old stand," however to
quote another characteristic French anecdote and be
ing a woman of ready and decisive mind, she very
quietly filled the vials with water from the river Seine,
.and lived respectably on the proceeds, finding, to her
great relief, that the eye-water was just as good as ever.
At last however, she found herself about to die, and
under the stings of an accusing conscience she confessed
her trick to her physician, an eminent member of the
profession. " Be entirely easy, Madam," said the wise
man ; " don t be troubled at all. You are the most in-
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 235
nocent physician in the world ; you have done nobody
any harm."
It is an old and illiberal joke to compare medicine to
war, on the ground that the votaries of both seek to de
stroy life. It is, however, not far from the truth to say
that they are alike in this ; that they are both pre
eminently liable to mistakes, and that in both he is most
successful who makes the fewest.
How can it be otherwise, until we know more than
we do at present, of the great mysteries of life and
death ? It seems risky enough to permit the wisest and
most experienced physician to touch those springs of
life which God onlv understands. And it is enough to
.
make the most stupid stare, to see how people will let
the most disgusting quack jangle their very heart
strings with his poisonous messes, about as soon as if
he were the best doctor in the world. A true phy
sician, indeed, does not hasten to drug. The great
French surgeon, Majendie, is even said to have com
menced his official course of lectures on one occasion
by coolly saying to his students : " Gentlemen, the cur
ing of disease is a subject that physicians know nothing
about." This was doubtless an extreme way of putting
the case. Yet it was in a certain sense exactly true.
There is one of the geysers in Icelend, into which vis
itors throw pebbles or turfs, with the invariable result
of causing the disgusted geyser in a few minutes to
vomit the close out again, along with a great quantity
of hot water, steam, and stuff. Now the doctor does
know that some of his doses are pretty sure to work, as
the traveler knows that his dose will work on the gey-
236 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
ser. It is only the exact how and why that is not un
derstood.
But however mysterious is nature, however ignorant
the doctor, however imperfect the present state of phys
ical science, the patronage and the success of quacks
and quackeries are infinitely more wonderful than those
of honest and laborious men of science and their care
ful experiments.
I have come about to the end of my tether for this
time ; and quackery is something too monstrous in di
mensions as well as character to be dealt with in a par
agraph. But I may with propriety put one quack at
the tail of this letter ; it is but just that he should Jet
decent people go before him. I mean " Old Sands of
Life." Everybody has seen his advertisement, begin
ning " A retired Physician whose sands of life have
nearly run out," etc. And everybody almost
knows how kind the fellow is in sending gratis his re
cipe. All that is necessary is (as you find out when
you get the recipe) to buy at a high price from him one
ingredient which (he says) you can get nowhere else.
This swindling scamp is in fact a smart brisk fellow of
abotft thirty-five years of age, notwithstanding the
length of time during which to use a funny phrase
which somebody got up for him he has been " afflicted
with a loose tail-board to his mortal sand-cart." Some
benevolent friend was so much distressed about the fee
bleness of " Old Sands of Life " as to send him one
day a large parcel by express, marked " C. O. D.,"
and costing quite a figure. " Old Sands " paid, and
opening the parcel, found half a bushel of excellent
sand.
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 237
CHAPTER XXIX.
THE CONSUMPTIVE REMEDY. E. ANDREWS, M. D.
BORN WITHOUT BIRTHRIGHTS. HASHEESH CANDY.
ROBACKTHE GREAT. A CONJURER OPPOSED TO LYING.
There is a fellow in Williamsburg who calls himself
a clergyman, and sells a "consumptive remedy," by
which I suppose he means a remedy for consumption.
It is a mere slop corked in a vial ; but there are a good
many people who are silly enough to buy it of him.
A certain gentleman, during last November, earnestly
sought an interview with this reverend brother in the
interests of humanity, but he was as inaccessible as a
chipmunk in a stone fence. The gentleman wrote a
polite note to the knave asking about prices, and receiv
ed a printed circular in return, stating in an affecting
manner the good man s grief at having to raise his
price in consequence of the cost of gold "with which
I am obliged to buy my medicines " saith he, " in Paris."
This was both sad and unsatisfactory ; and the gentle
man went over to Williamsburgh to seek an interview
and find out all about the prices. He reached the
abode of the man of piety, but, strange to relate, he
wasn t at home.
Gentleman waited.
Reverend brother kept on not being at home. When
gentleman had waited to his entire satisfaction he came
back.
238 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD
It is understood it is practically out of the question
to see the reverend brother. Perhaps lie is so modest
and shy that he will not encounter the clamorous grati
tude which would obstruct his progress through the
streets, from the millions saved by his consumptive
remedy. It is a pity that the reverend man cannot
enjoy the still more complete seclusion by which the
state of New York testifies its appreciation of unobtru
sive and retiring virtues like his, in the salubrious and
quiet town of Sing Sing.
A quack in an inland city, who calls himself E. An
drews, M. D., prints a " semi-occasional " document in
the form of a periodical, of which a copy is lying before
me. It is an awful hodgepodge of perfect nonsense
and vulgar rascality. He calls it " The Good Samari
tan and Domestic Physician," and this number is called
" volume twenty." Only think what a great man we
have among us unless the Doctor himself is mistaken.
He says : " I will here state that I have been favored
by nature and Providence in gaining access to stores of
information that has fell to the lot of but very few per
sons heretofore, during the past history of mankind."
Evidently these " stores" were so vast that the great
doctor s brain was stuffed too full to have room left for
English Grammar. Shortly, the Doctor thus bursts
forth again with some views having their own merits,
but not such as concern the healing art very directly :
" The automaton powers of machinery " there s a new
style of machinery, you observe " must be made to
WORK FOR, instead of as now, against mankind ; the
Land of all nations must be made FREE to Actual Set-
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 239
tiers in LIMITED quantities. No one must be born with
out his birthright being born with him." The italics,
etc., are the Doctor s. What an awful thought is this
of being born without any birthright, or, as the Doctor
leaves us to suppose possible, having one s birthright born
first, and dodging about the world like a stray canary-
bird, while the unhappy and belated owner tries in vain
to put salt on its tail and catch it !
Well, this wiseacre, after his portentous introduction,
fills the rest of his sixteen loosely printed double-
columned octavo pages with a farrago of the most in
describable character, made up of brags, lies, promises,
forged recommendations and letters, boasts of systemat
ic charity, funny scraps of stuff in the form of little
disquisitions, advertisements of remedies, hair-oils, cos
metics, liquors, groceries, thistle-killers, anti-bug mix
tures, recipes for soap, ink, honey, and the Old Harry
only knows what. The fellow gives a list of seventy-
one specific diseases for which his Hasheesh Candy is a
sure cure, and he adds that it is also a sure cure for all
diseases of the liver, brain, throat, stomach, ear, and
other internal disorders ; also for " all long standing
diseases " whatever that means ! and for insanity !
In this monstrous list are jumbled together the most in
congruous troubles. " Bleeding at the nose, and abor
tions ; " " worms, fits, poisons and cramps." And the
impudent liar quotes General Grant, General Mitchell,
the Rebel General Lee, General McClellan, and Doc
tor Mott of this city, all shouting in chorus the praises
of the Hasheesh Candy ! Next conies the " Secret of
Beauty," a " preparation of Turkish Roses ; " then a
240 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
lot of forged references, and an assertion that the Doc
tor gives to the poor five thousand pounds of bread
every winter; then some fearful denunciations of the
regular doctors.
T>
But as the auctioneers say "I can t dwell."
I will only add that the real villainy of this fellow only
appears here and there, where he advertises the means
of ruining innocence, or of indulging with impunity in
the foulest vices. He will sell for $3.30, the " Mystic
Weird Ring." In a chapter of infamous blatherumskite
about this ring he says : " The wearer can drive from,
or draw to him, any one, and for any purpose what
ever." I need not explain what this scoundrel means.
He also will sell the professed means of robbery and
swindling ; saying that he is prepared to show how to
remove papers, wills, titles, notes, etc., from one place
to another " by invisible means." It is a wonder that
the Bank of Commerce can keep any securities in its
vaults of course !
But enough of this degraded panderer to crime and
folly. He is beneath notice, so far as he himself con
cerned ; I devote the space to him, because it is well
worth while to understand how base an imposture can
draw a steady revenue from a nation boasting so much
culture and intelligence as ours. It is also worth con
sidering whether the authorities must not be remiss,
who permit such odious deceptions to be constantly per
petrated upon the public.
I ought here to give a paragraph to the great C. W.
Roback, one of whose Astrological Almanacs is before
me. This erudite production is embellished in front
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 241
with a picture of the doctor and his six brothers for
he is the seventh son of a seventh son. The six elder
brethren nice enough boys stand submissively
around their gigantic and bearded junior, reaching only
to his waist, and gazing up at him with reverence, as
the sheaves of Joseph s brethren worshipped his sheaf
in his dream. At the end is a picture of Magnus Ro-
back, the grandfather of C. W., a bull-headed, ugly
old Dutchman, with a globe and compasses. This pic
ture, by the way, is in fact a cheap likeness of the old
discoverers or geographers. Within the book we find
Gustavus Roback, the father of C. W., for whom is
used a cut of Jupiter or some other heathen god
half-naked, a-straddle of an eagle, with a hook in one
hand and a quadrant in the other ; which is very much
like the picture by one of the " Old Masters v of Abra
ham about to offer up Isaac, and taking a long aim at
the poor boy with a flint-lock horse-pistol. Doctor Ro
back is good enough to tell us where his brothers are :
" One, a high officer in the Empire of China, another a
Catholic Bishop in the city of Rome," and so on.
There is also a cut of his sister, whom he cured of con
sumption. She is represented " talking to her bird,
after the fashion of her country, when a maiden is un
expectedly rescued from the jaws of death ! "
Roback cures all sorts of diseases, discovers stolen
property, insures children a marriage, and so on, all by
means of " conjurations." He also casts nativities and
foretells future events ; and he shows in full how Ber-
nadotte, Louis Philippe, and Napoleon Bonaparte either
did well or would have done well by following his ad-
242 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
vice. The chief peculiarity of this impostor is, that he
really avoids direct pandering to vice and crime, and
even makes it a specialty to cure drunkenness and of
all things in the world lying I On this point Roback
gives in full the certificate of Mrs. Abigail Morgan,
whose daughter Amanda " was sorely given to fibbing,
in so much that she would rather lie than speak the
truth." And the delighted mother certifies that our
friend and wizard " so changed the nature of the girl
that, to the best of our knowledge and belief, she has
never spoken anything but the truth since."
There is a conjurer " as is a conjurer."
What an uproar the incantation of the great Roback
would make, if set fairly to work among the politicians,
for instance ! But after all, on second thoughts, what
a horrible mass of abominations would they lay bare in
telling the truth about each other all round ! No, no
it won t do to have the truth coming out, in politics
at any rate ! Away with Roback I I will not give
him another word not a single chance not even to
explain his great power over what he calls " Fits !
Fits I Fits ! Fits ! Fits ! "
CHAPTER XXX.
MONSIGNORE CRISTOFORO RTSCHIO ; OR, IL CRESO, THE
NOSTRUM-VENDER OF FLORENCE A MODEL FOR OUR
QUACK DOCTORS.
Every visitor to Florence during the last twenty
years must have noticed on the grand piazza before the
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 243
Ducal Palace, the strange genius known as Monsignore
Creso, or, in plain English, Mr. Croesus. He is so call
ed because of his reputed great wealth ; but his real
name is Christoforo Rischio, which I may again trans
late, as Christopher Risk. Mrs. Browning refers to
him in one of her poerns the " Casa Guidi Windows,"
I think and he has also been the staple of a tale by
one of the Trollope brothers.
Twice every week, he comes into the city in a
strange vehicle, drawn by two fine Lombardy ponies,
and unharnesses them in the very centre of the square.
His assistant, a capital vocalist, begins to sing imme
diately, and a crowd soon collects around the wagon.
Then Monsignore takes from the box beneath his seat a
splendidly jointed human skeleton, which he suspends
from a tall rod and hook, and also a number of human
skulls. The latter are carefully arranged on an adjusta
ble shelf, and Cre so takes his place behind them, while
in his rear a perfect chemist s shop of flasks, bottles,
and pillboxes is disclosed. Very soon his singer ceases,
and in the purest Tuscan dialect the very utterance
of which is music the Florentine quack-doctor pro
ceeds to address the assemblage. Not being conver
sant with the Italian, I am only able to give the sub
stance of his harangue, and pronounce indifferently
upon the merit of his elocution. I am assured, how
ever, that not only the common people, who are his
chief patrons, but numbers of the most intelligent citi
zens, are always entertained by what he has to say ;
and certainly his gestures and style of expressions seem
to betray great excellence of oratory. Having turned
244 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
the skeleton round and round on its pivot, and mi
nutely explained the various anatomical parts, in or
der to show his proficiency in the basis of medical
science, he next lifts the skulls, one by one, and des
cants upon their relative perfection, throwing in a
shrewd anecdote now and then, as to the life of the ori
ginal owner of each cranium.
One skull, for example, he asserts to have belonged
to a lunatic, who wandered for half a lifetime in the
Val d Ema, subsisting precariously upon entirely vege
table food roots, herbs, and the like ; another is the
superior part of a convict, hung in Arezzo for numerous
offences ; a third is that of a very old man who lived a
celibate from his youth up, and by his abstinence and
goodness exercised an almost priestly influence upon the
borghesa. When, by this miscellaneous lecture, he has
both amused and edified his hearers, he ingeniously turns
the discourse upon his own life, and finally introduces
the subject of the marvellous cures he has effected. The
story of his medical preparations alone, their components
and method of distillation, is a fine piece of popularized
art, and he gives a practical exemplification of his skill
and their virtues by calling from the crowd successively,
a number of invalid people, whom he examines and pre
scribes for on the spot. Whether these subjects are
provided by himself or not, I am unable to decide ; but
it is very possible that by long experience, Christoforo
who has no regular diploma has mastered the sim
pler elements of Materia Medica, and does in reality
effect cures. I class him among what are popularly
known as humbugs, however, for he is a pretender to
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 245
more wisdom than he possesses. It was to me a strange
and suggestive scene the bald, beak-nosed, coal-eyed
charlatan, standing in the market-place, so celebrated in
history, peering through his gold spectacles at the up
turned faces below him, while the bony skeleton at his
side swayed in the wind, and the grinning skulls below,
made grotesque faces, as if laughing at the gul labilfty
of the people. Behind him loomed up the massive Pal
azzo Vecchio, with its high tower, sharply cut, and
set with deep machicolations ; to the left, the splendid
Loggia of Orgagna, filled with rare marbles, and the long
picture-gallery of the Uffizi, heaped with the rarest art-
treasures of the world ; to his right, the Giant Foun
tain of Ammanato, throwing jets of pure water one
drop of which outvalues all the nostrums in the world ;
and in front, the Post Office, built centuries before, by
Pisan captives. If any of these things moved the imper
turbable Creso, he showed no feeling of the sort ; but for
three long hours, two days in the week, held his hideous
clinic in the open daylight.
Seeing the man so often, and interested always in his
manner as much so, indeed, as the peasants or conta-
dini, who bought his vials and pillboxes without stint
I became interested to know the main features of his
life ; and, by the aid of a friend, got some clues which
I think reliable enough to publish. I do so the more
willingly, because his career is illustrative, after an odd
fashion, of contemporary Italian life.
He was the son of a small farmer, not far from Sienna,
and grew up in daily contact with vine-dressers and
olive-gatherers, living upon the hard Tuscan fare of
246 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
maccaroni and maroon-nuts, with a cutlet of lean mut
ton once a day, and a pint of sour Tuscan wine. Be
ing tolerably well educated for a peasant-boy, he im
bibed a desire for the profession of an actor, and studied
Alfieri closely.
Some little notoriety that he gained by recitations
led him, in an evil hour, to venture an appearance en
grand role, in Florence, at a third-rate theatre. His
father had meanwhile deceased and left him the prop
erty ; but to make the de*but referred to, he sold almost-
his entire inheritance. As may be supposed, his fail
ure was signal. However easy he had found it to
amuse the rough, untutored peasantry of his neighbor
hood, the test of a large and polished city was beyond
his merit.
So, poor and abashed, he sank to the lower walks of
dramatic art, singing in choruses at the opera, playing
minor parts in show-pieces, and all the while feeling
the stiiig of disappointed ambition and half-deserved
penury.
One day found him, at the beginning of winter, with
out work, and without a soldo in his pocket. Passing
a druggist s shop, he saw a placard asking for men to
sell a certain new preparation. The druggist advanc
ed him a small sum for travelling expenses, and he took
to peripatetic lectures at once, going into the country
and haranguing at all the villages.
Here he found his dramatic education available.
Though not good enough for an actor, he was sufficient
ly clever for a nomadic eulogizer of a patent-medicine.
His vocal abilities were also of service to him in gath-
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 247
ering the people together. The great secret of success
in anything is to get a hearing. Half the object is
gained when the audience is assembled.
Well ! poor, vagabond, peddling Christopher Risk,
selling so much for another party, conceived the idea
of becoming his own capitalist. He resolved to prepare
a medicine of his own ; and, profiting by the assistance
of a young medical student, obtained bona fide prescrip
tions for the commonest maladies. These he had made
up in gross, originated labels for them, and concealing
the real essences thereof by certain harmless adultera
tions, began to advertise himself as the discoverer of a
panacea.
To gain no ill-will among the priests, whose influ
ence is paramount with the peasantry, he dexterously
threw in a revere-nt word for them in his nomadic ha
rangues, and now and then made a sounding present to
the Church.
He profited also by the superstitions abroad, and to
the skill of Hippocrates added the roguery of Simon
Magus. By report, he was both a magician and phy
sician, and a knack that he had of slight-of-hand was
not the least influential of his virtues.
His bodily prowess was as great as his suppleness.
One day, at Fiesole, a foreign doctor presumed to chal
lenge Monsignore to a debate, and the offer was ac
cepted. While the two stood together in Cristoforo s
wagon, and the intruder was haranguing the people,
the quack, without a movement of his face or a twitch
of his body, jerked his foot against his rival s leg and
threw him to the ground. He had the effrontery to
248 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
proclaim the feat as magnetic entirely, accomplished
without bodily means, and by virtue of his black-art
acquirements.
An awe fell upon the listeners, and they refused to
hear the checkmated disputant further.
As soon as Cristoforo began to thrive, he indulged
his dramatic taste by purchasing a superb wagon, team,
and equipments, and hired a servant. Such a turnout
had never been seen in Tuscany since the Medician
days. It gained for him the name of Creso straight
way, and, enabling him to travel more rapidly, enlarged
his business sphere, and so vastly increased his profits.
He arranged regular days and hours for each place
in Tuscany, and soon became as widely known as the
Grand Duke himself. When it was known that he
had bought an old castle at Pontassieve on the banks
of the Arno, his reputation still further increased. He
was now so prosperous that he set the faculty at defi
ance. He proclaimed that they were jealous of his pro-
founder learning, and threatened to expose the bane-
fulness of their systems.
At the same time, his talk to the common people be
gan to savor of patronage, and this also enhanced his
reputation. It. is much better, as a rule, to call atten
tion up to you rather than charity down to you. The
shrewd impostor became also more absolute now. It
was known that the Grand Duke had once asked him
to dine, and that Monsignore had the hardihood to re
fuse. Indeed, he sympathized too greatly with the
aroused Italian spirit of unity and progress to compro
mise himself with the house of Austria. When at last
MEDICINE AND QUACKS. 249
the revolution came, Cristoforo was one of its best
champions in Tuscany. His cantante sang only the
march of Garibaldi and the victories of Savoy. His
own speeches teemed with the gospel of Italy regener
ated ; and for a whole month he wasted no time in
the sale of his bottighias and pillolas, but threw all his
vehement, persuasive, and dramatic eloquence into the
popular cause.
The end we know. Tuscany is a dukedom no long
er, but a component part of a great peninsular kingdom
with " Florence the Beautiful " for its capital.
And still before the ducal palace, where the deputies
of Italy are to assemble, poor, vain Cristoforo Rischio
makes his harangue every Tuesday and Saturday.
He is now or was four years ago upward of sixty
years of age, but spirited and athletic as ever, and so
rich that it would be superfluous for him to continue
his peripatetic career.
His life is to me noteworthy, as showing what may
be gained by concentrating even humble energies upon
a paltry thing. Had Creso persevered as well upon
the stage, I do not doubt that he would have made a
splendid actor. If he did so well with a mere nostrum,
why should he not have gained riches and a less gro
tesque fame by the sale of a better article ? He under
stood human nature, its credulities and incredulities, its
superstitions, tastes, changefulness, and love of display
and excitement. He has done no harm, and given as
much amusement as he has been paid for. Indeed, I
consider him more an ornamental and useful character
than otherwise. He has brightened many a traveler s
11*
250 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
recollections, relieved the tedium of many a weary
hour in a foreign city, and, with all his deception, has
never severed himself from the popular faith, nor sold
out the popular cause. I dare say his death, when it
occurs, will cause more sensation and evoke more tears,
than that of any better physician in Tuscany.
^
VI. HOAXES.
CHAPTER XXXI.
THE TWENTY-SEVENTH STREET GHOST. SPIRITS ON THE
RAMPAGE.
In classing the ghost excitement that agitated our
good people to such an extent some two years ago
among the " humbugs " of the age, 1 must, at the out
set, remind my readers that there was no little accumu
lation of what is termed " respectable " testimony, as to
the reality of his ghostship in Twenty-seventh street.
One fine Sunday morning, in the early part of 1863,
my friends of the " Sunday Mercury " astonished their
many thousands of patrons with an account that had
been brought to them of a fearful spectre that had
made its appearance in one of the best houses in Twenty-
seventh Street. The narrative was detailed with cir
cumstantial accuracy, and yet with an apparent discreet
reserve, that gave the finishing touch of delightful mys
tery to the story.
The circumstances, as set forth in the opening letter
(for many others followed) were briefly these : A high
ly respectable family residing on Twenty-seventh Street,
one of our handsome up-town thoroughfares, became
aware, toward the close of the year 1862, that something
extraordinary was taking place in their house, then one
of the best in the neighborhood. Sundry mutterings and
252 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
whisperings began to be heard among the servants em
ployed about the domicil, and, after a little while it be
came almost impossible to induce them to remain there
for love or money. The visitors of the family soon
began to notice that their calls, which formerly were so
welcome, particularly among the young people of the
establishment, seemed to give embarrassment, and that
the smiles that greeted them, as early as seven in the
evening gradually gave place to uneasy gestures, and,
finally to positive hints at the lateness of the hoar, or
the fatigue of their host by nine o clock.
The head of the family was a plain, matter-of-fact
old gentleman, by no means likely to give way to any
superstitious terrors one of your hard-headed busi
ness men who pooh-poohed demons, hobgoblins, and
all other kinds of spirits, except the purest Santa Cruz
and genuine old Otard ; and he fell into a great rage,
when upon his repeated gruff demands for an explana
tion, he was delicately informed that his parlor was
" haunted." He vowed that somebody wanted to drive
him from the house ; that there was a conspiracy afoot
among the women to get him still higher up town, and
into a bio ser brown-stone front, and refused to believe
C5O 7
one word of the ghost-story. At length, one day,
while sitting in his " growlery," as the ladies called it,
in the lower story, his attention was aroused by a clat
ter on the stairs, and looking out into the entry he saw a
party of carpenters and painters who had been employ
ed upon the parlor-floor, beating a precipitate retreat
toward the front door.
" Stop ! stop ! you infernal fools ! What s all this
hullabaloo about ? " shouted the old gentleman.
HOAXES. 253
No reply no halt upon the part of the mechanics,
but away they went down the steps and along the street,
as though Satan himself, or Moseby the guerrilla, was
at their heels. They were pursued and ordered back,
but absolutely refused to come, swearing that they had
seen the Evil One, in propria persona; and threats,
persuasions, and bribes alike proved vain to induce them
to return. This made the matter look serious, and a
family-council was held forthwith. It wouldn t do to
let matters go on in this way, and something must be
thought of as a remedy. It was in this half-solemn
and half-tragic conclave that the pater-familias was at
last put in possession of the mysterious occurrences
that had been disturbing the peace of his domestic
hearth.
A ghost had been repeatedly seen in his best drawing-
room ! a genuine, undeniable, unmitigated ghost !
The spectre was described by the female members of
the family as making his appearance at all hours, chiefly,
however in the evening, of course. Now the good old
orthodox idea of a ghost is, of a very long, cadaverous,
ghastly personage, of either sex, appearing in white
draperies, with uplifted finger, and attended or preced
ed by sepulchral sounds whist ! hush ! and sometimes
the rattling of casements and the jingling of chains.
A bluish glare and a strong smell of brimstone seldom
failed to enhance the horror of the scene. This ghost,
however, came it seems, in more ordinary guise, but
none the less terrible for his natural style of approach and
costume. He was usually seen in the front parlor,
which was on the second story and faced the street.
254 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
There he would be found seated in a chair near the fire
place, his attire the garb of a carman or "carter" and
hence the name " Carter s G host " afterward frequently
applied to him. There he would sit entirely unmoved
by the approach of living denizens of the house, who, at
first, would suppose that he was some drunken or insane
intruder, and only discover their mistake as they drew
near, and saw the fire-light shining through him, and
notice the glare of his frightful eyes, which threatened
all comers in a most unearthly way. Such was the
purport of the first sketch that appeared in the " Sunday
Mercury," stated so distinctly and impressively that the
effect could not fail to be tremendous among our sensa
tional public. To help the matter, another brief notice,
to the same effect, appeared in the Sunday issue of a
leading journal on the same morning. The news deal
ers and street-carriers caught up the novelty instanter,
and before noon not a copy of the " Sunday Mercury "
could be bought in any direction. The country issue
of the " Sunday Mercury " had still a larger sale.
On Sunday morning, every sheet in town made some
allusion to the Ghost, and many even went so far as to
give the very (supposed) number of the house favored
with his visitations. The result of this enterprising
guess was ludicrous enough, bordering a little, too, upon
the serious. Indignant house-holders rushed down to
the " Sunday Mercury " office with the most amusing
wrath, threatening and denouncing the astonished pub
lishers with all sorts of legal action for their presumed
trespass, when in reality, their paper had designated no
place or person at all. But the grandest demonstration
HOAXES. 255
of popular excitement was revealed in Twenty-seventh
street itself. Before noon a considerable portion of the
thoroughfare below Sixth Avenue was blocked up with a
dense mass of people of all ages, sizes, sexes, and nation
alities, who had come " to see the Ghost. A liquor
store or two, near by, drove a splendid " spiritual "
business ; and by evening " the fun " grew so " fast and
furious " that a whole squad of police had to be employ
ed to keep the side- walks and even the carriage-way
clear. The " Ghost " was shouted for to make a speech,
like any other new celebrity, and old ladies and gentle
men peering out of upper-story windows were saluted
with playful tokens of regard, such as turnips, eggs of
ancient date, and other things too numerous to mention,
from the crowd. Nor was the throng composed entire
ly of Gothamites. The surrounding country sent in its
contingent. They came on foot, on horseback, in wag
ons, and arrayed in all the costumes known about these
parts, since the days of Rip Van Winkle. Cruikshanks
would have made a fortune from his easy sketches of
only a few figures in the scene. And thus the con
course continued for days together, arriving at early
morn and staying there in the street until " dewy eve."
As a matter of course, there were various explana
tions of the story propounded by various people all
wondrously wise in their own conceit. Some would
have it that " the Ghost" was got up by some of the
neighbors, who wished, in this manner, to drive away
disreputable occupants ; others insisted that it was the
revenge of an ousted tenant, etc., etc. Everybody
offered his own theory, and, as is usual, in such cases,
nobody was exactly right.
256 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Meanwhile, the " Sunday Mercury " continued its pub
lications of the further progress of the " mystery,"
from week to week, for a space of nearly two months,
until the whole country seemed to have gone ghost-
mad. Apparitions and goblins dire were seen in Wash
ington, Rochester, Albany, Montreal, and other cities.
The spiritualists took it up and began to discuss u the
Carter Ghost " with the utmost zeal. One startling in
dividual a physician and a philosopher emerged
from his professional shell into full-fledged glory, as the
greatest canard of all, and published revelations of his
own intermediate intercourse with the terrific u Car
ter." In every nook and corner of the land, tremen
dous posters, in white and yellow, broke out upon the
walls and windows of news-depots, with capitals a foot
long, and exclamation-points like drumsticks, announc
ing fresh installments of the " Ghost " story, and it was
a regular fight between go-ahead vendors who should
get the next batch of horrors in advance of his rivals.
Nor was the effect abroad the least feature of this
stupendous u sell." The English, French, and Ger
man press translated some of the articles in epitome,
and wrote grave commentaries thereon. The stage
soon caught the blaze ; and Professor Pepper, at the
Royal Polytechnic Institute, in London, invented a
most ingenious device for producing ghosts which
should walk about upon the stage in such a perfectly-
astounding manner as to throw poor Hamlet s father
and the evil genius of Brutus quite into the u shade."
" Pepper s Ghost " soon crossed the Atlantic, and all
our theatres were speedily alive with nocturnal appari-
HOAXES. 257
tions. The only real ghosts, however four in num
ber came out at the Museum, in an appropriate dra
ma, which had an immense run " all for twenty-five
cents," or only six and a quarter cents per ghost ! *
But I must not forget to say that, really, the details
given in the " Sunday Mercury " were well calculated to
lead captive a large class of minds prone to luxuriate
in the marvelous when well mixed with plausible rea
soning. The most circumstantial accounts were given
of sundry " gifted young ladies," 4i grave and learned
professors," " reliable gentlemen " where are those
not found? " lonely watchers," and others, who had
sought interviews with the " ghost," to their own great
enlightenment, indeed, but, likewise, complete discomfit
ure. Pistols were fired at him, pianos played and songs
sung for him, and, finally, his daguerreotype taken on
prepared metallic plates set upright in the haunted room.
One shrewd artist brought out an " exact photographic
likeness " of the distinguished stranger on cartes de
visite, and made immense sales. The apparitions, too ?
multiplied. An old man, a woman, and a child made
their appearance in the house of wonders, and, at last,
a gory head with distended eyeballs, swimming in a sea
of blood, upon a platter like that of Holofernes
capped the climax.
Certain wiseacres here began to see political allusions
in the Ghost, and many actually took the whole affair
to be a cunningly devised political satire upon this or
that party, according as their sympathies swayed them.
It would have been a remarkable portion of * this
strange, eventful history," of course, if " Barnum "
258 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
could have escaped the accusation of being its progeni
tor.
I was continually beset, and frequently, when more
than usually busy, thoroughly annoyed by the innuen
does of my visitors, that I was the father of " the
Ghost."
" Come, now, Mr. Barnum this is going a little
too far ! " some ood o ld dame or grandfather would
5 C>
say to me. " You oughtn t to scare people in this way.
These ghosts are ugly customers ! "
" My dear Sir," or " Madam," I would say, as the
case might be, " I do assure you I know nothing what
ever about the Ghost" and as for u spirits," you
know I never touch them, and have been preaching
against them nearly all my life."
" Well ! well ! you will ,have the last turn," they d
retort, as they edged away ; " but you needn t tell us.
We guess we ve found the ghost."
Now, all I can add about this strange hallucination
is, that those who came to me to see the original " Car
ter," really saw the " Elephant."
The wonderful apparition disappeared, at length, as
suddenly as he had come. The " Bull s-Eye Brigade,"
as the squad of police put on duty to watch the neigh
borhood, for various reasons, was termed, hung to their
work, and flashed the light of their lanterns into the
faces of lonely couples, for some time afterward ; but
quiet, at length, settled down over all : and it has been
it seems, reserved for my pen to record briefly the his
tory of " The Twenty-seventh street Ghost."
HOAXES. 259
CHAPTER XXXII.
THE MOON-HOAX.
The most stupendous scientific imposition upon the
public that the generation with which we are numbered
lias known, was the so-called " Moon-Hoax," published
in the columns of the " New York Sun," in the months
of August and September, 1835. The sensation created
by this immense imposture, not only throughout the
United States, but in every part of the civilized world,
and the consummate ability with which it was written,
will render it interesting so long as our language shall
endure ; and, indeed, astronomical science has actually
been indebted to it for many most valuable hints a
circumstance that gives the production a still higher
claim to immortality.
At the period when the wonderful " yarn " to which
I allude first appeared, the science of astronomy was en
gaging particular attention, and all works on the sub
ject were eagerly bought up and studied by immense
masses of people. The real discoveries of the younger
Herschel, whose fame seemed destined to eclipse that
of the elder sage of the same name, and the eloquent
startling works of Dr. Dick, which the Harpers were
republishing, in popular form, from the English edition,
did much to increase and keep up this peculiar mania
of the time, until the whole community at last were
literally occupied with but little else than u star-gazing."
260 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Dick s works on " The Sidereal Heavens," u Celestial
Scenery," " The improvement of Society," etc., were
read with the utmost avidity by rich and poor, old and
young, in season and out of season. They were quoted
in the. parlor, at the table, on the promenade, at church,
and even in the bedroom, until it absolutely seemed as
though the whole community had " Dick " upon the
brain. To the highly educated and imaginative por
tion of our good Gothamite population, the Doctor s
glowing periods, full of the grandest speculations as to
the starry worlds around us, their wondrous magnifi
cence and ever-varying aspects of beauty and happiness
were inexpressibly fascinating. The author s well-
reasoned conjectures as to the majesty and beauty of
their landscapes, the fertility and diversity of their soil,
and the exalted intelligence and comeliness of their in
habitants, found hosts of believers ; and nothing elsfc
formed the staple of conversation, until the beaux and
belles, and dealers in small talk generally, began to
grumble, and openly express their wishes that the
Dickens had Doctor Dick and all his works.
It was at the very height of the furor above mention
ed, that one morning the readers of the " Sun " at that
time only twenty-five hundred in number were thrill
ed with the announcement in its columns of certain
u Great Astronomical Discoveries Lately Made by Sir
John Herschel, LL. D., F. R. S. etc., at the Cape of
Good Hope," purporting to be a republication from
a Supplement to the Edinburgh Journal of Science.
The heading of the article was striking enough, yet was
far from conveying any adequate idea of its contents.
HOAXES. 261
When the latter became known, the excitement went
beyond all bounds, and grew until the " Sun " office was
positively besieged with crowds of people of the very
first class, vehemently applying for copies of the issue
containing the wonderful details.
As the pamphlet form in which the narrative was
subsequently published is now out of print, and a copy
can hardly be had in the country, I will recall a few
passages from a rare edition, for the gratification of my
friends who have never seen the original. Indeed, the
whole story is altogether too good to be lost ; and it is
a great pity that we can not have a handsome reprint
of it given to the world from time to time. It is con
stantly in demand ; and, during the year 1859, a single
copy of sixty pages, sold at the auction of Mr. Haswell s
library, brought the sum of $3,75. In that same year,
a correspondent, in Wisconsin, writing to the " Sunday
Times" of this city, inquired where the book could be
procured, and was answered that he could find it at the
old bookstore, No. 85 Centre Street, if anywhere.
Thus, after a search of many weeks, the Western bib
liopole succeeded in obtaining a well-thumbed specimen
of the precious work. Acting upon this chance sugges
tion, Mr. William Gowans, of this city, during the
same year, brought out a very neat edition, in paper
covers, illustrated with a view of the moon, as seen
through Lord Rosse s grand telescope, in 1856. But
this, too, has all been sold ; and the most indefatigable
book-collector might find it difficult to purchase a sin
gle copy at the present time. I, therefore, render the
inquiring reader no slight service in culling for him
262 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
some of the flowers from this curious astronomical gar
den.
The opening of the narrative was in the highest
Review style ; and the majestic, yet subdued, dignity
of its periods, at once claimed respectful attention ;
while its perfect candor, and its wealth of accurate sci
entific detail exacted the homage of belief from all but
cross-grained and inexorable skeptics.
It commences thus :
"In this unusual addition to our Journal, we have the
happiness to make known to the British public, and
thence to the whole civilized world, recent discoveries in
Astronomy, which will build an imperishable monument
to the age in which we live, and confer upon the present
generation of the human race a proud distinction through
all future time. It has been poetically said, that the stars
of heaven are the hereditary regalia of man, as the intel
lectual sovereign of the animal creation. Pie may now
fold the Zodiac around him with a loftier consciousness
of his mental superiority," etc., etc.
The writer then eloquently descanted upon the sublime
achievement by which man pierced the bounds that
hemmed him in, and with sensations of awe approached
the revelations of his own genius in the far-off heavens,
and with intense dramatic effect described the younger
Herschel surpassing all that his father had ever attain
ed ; and by some stupendous apparatus about to unvail
the remotest mysteries of the sidereal space, pausing for
many hours ere the excess of his emotions would allow
him to lift the vail from his own overwhelming success.
I must quote a line or two of this passage, for it
capped the climax of public curiosity :
HOAXES. 263
*
" Well might he pause ! He was about to become the
sole depository of wondrous secrets which had been hid
from the eyes of all men that had lived since the birth of
time. He was about to crown himself with a diadem of
knowledge which would give him a conscious pre
eminence above every individual of his species who then
lived or who had lived in the generations that are passed
away. He paused ere he broke the seal of the casket that
contained it."
Was not this introduction enough to stimulate the
wonder bump of all the star-gazers, until
" Each particular hair did stand on end,
Like quills upon the fretful porcupine ?
At all events, such was the effect, and it was impos
sible at first to supply the frantic demand, even of the
city, not to mention the country readers.
I may very briefly sum up the outline of the discov
eries alleged to have been made, in a few paragraphs,
so as not to protract the suspense of my readers too
long.
It was claimed that the " Edinburgh -Journal " was in
debted for its information to Doctor Andrew Grant
a savant of celebrity, who had, for very many years,
been the scientific companion, first of the elder and sub
sequently of the younger Herschel, and had gone with
the latter in September, 1834, to the Cape of Good
Hope, whither he had been sent by the British Govern
ment, acting in conjunction with the Governments of
France and Austria, to observe the transit of Mercury
over the disc of the sun an astronomical point of
great importance to the lunar observations of longitude,
264 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
and consequently to the navigation of the world. This
transit was not calculated to occur before the 7th of No
vember, 1835 (the year in which the hoax was print
ed ;) but Sir John Herschel set out nearly a year in
advance, for the purpose of thoroughly testing a new
and stupendous telescope devise^ by himself under this
peculiar inspiration, and infinitely surpassing anything
of the kind ever before attempted by mortal man.
It has been discovered by previous astronomers and
among others, by Herschel s illustrious father, that the
sidereal object becomes dim in proportion as it is magni
fied, and that, beyond a certain limit, the magnifying
power is consequently rendered almost useless. Thus,
an impassable barrier seemed to lie in the way of future
close observation, unless some means could be devised
to illuminate the object to the eye. By intense research
and the application of all recent improvements in optics,
Sir John had succeeded in securing a beautiful and per
fectly lighted image of the moon with a magnifying
power that increased its apparent size in the heavens
six thousand times. Dividing the distance of the moon
from the earth, viz. : 240,000 miles, by six thousand, we
we have forty miles as the distance at which she would
then seem to be seen ; and as the elder Herschel, with
a magnifying power, only one thousand, had calculated
that he could distinguish an object on the moon s surface
not more than 122 yards in diameter, it was clear that
his son, with six times the power, could see an object
there only twenty-two yards in diameter. But, for
any further advance in power and light, the way seem
ed insuperably closed until a profound conversation
HOAXES. 265
with the great savant and optician, Sir David Brewster y -
led Herschel to suggest to the latter the idea of the re-
adoption of the old fashioned telescopes, without tubes,
which threw their images upon reflectors in a dark
apartment, and then the illumination of these images
by the intense hydro-oxygen light used in the ordinary
illuminated microscope. At this suggestion, Brewster
is represented by the veracious chronicler as leaping with
enthusiasm from his chair, exclaiming in rapture to
Herschel :
" Thou art the man ! "
" The suggestion, thus happily approved, was immedi
ately acted upon, and a subscription, headed by that
liberal patron of science, the Duke of Sussex, with
.10,000, was backed by the reigning King of England
with his royal word for any sum that might be needed to
make up 70, 000, the amount required. No time was
lost ; and, after one or two failures, in January 1833, the
house of Hartley & Grant, at Dumbarton, succeeded in
casting the huge object-glass of the new apparatus,
measuring twenty-four feet (or six times that of the
elder Herschel s glass) in diameter ; weighing 14,826
pounds, or nearly seven tons, after being polished, and
possessing a magnifying power of 42,000 times ! a per
fectly pure, spotless, achromatic lens, without a material
bubble or flaw !
Of course, after so elaborate a description of so as
tounding a result as this, the " Edinburg Scientific Jour
nal " (i. e., the writer in the " New York Sun ") could
not avoid being equally precise in reference to subse
quent details, and he proceeded to explain that Sir John
12
266 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Herschel and his amazing apparatus having been select
ed by the Board of Longitude to observe the transit of
Mercury, the Cape of Good Hope was chosen be
cause, upon the former expedition to Peru, acting in
conjunction with one to Lapland, which was sent out for
the same purpose in the eighteenth century, it had been
noticed that the attraction of the mountainous regions
deflected the plumb-line of the large instruments seven
or eight seconds from the perpendicular, and, conse
quently, greatly impaired the enterprise. At the Cape,
on the contrary, there was a magnificent table-land of
vast expanse, where this difficulty could not occur.
Accordingly, on the 4th of September, 1834, with a de
sign to become perfectly familiar with the working of
his new gigantic apparatus, and with the Southern Con
stellations, before the period of his observations of Mer
cury, Sir John Herschel sailed from London, accompa
nied by Doctor Grant (the supposed informant,) Lieu
tenant Drummond, of the Royal Engineers, F. R. A. S.,
and a large party of the best English workmen. On
their arrival at the Cape, the apparatus was conveyed,
in four days time, to the great elevated plain, thirty-
five miles to the N. E. of Cape Town, on trains drawn
by two relief-teams of oxen, eighteen to a team, the
ascent aided by gangs of Dutch boors. For the details
of the huge fabric in which the lens and its reflectors
were set up, I must refer the curious reader to the
pamphlet itself not that the presence of the " Dutch
boors" alarms me at all, since we have plenty of boors
at home, and one gets used to them in the course of
time, but because the elaborate scientific description of
HOAXES. 267
the structure would make most readers see " stars " in
broad daylight before they get through.
I shall only go on to say that, by the 10th of Janu
ary, everything was complete, even to the two pillars
u one hundred and fifty feet high ! " that sustained the
lens. Operations then commenced forthwith, and so,
too, did the " special wonder " of the readers. It is a
matter of congratulation to mankind that the writer of
the hoax, with an apology (Heaven save the mark !)
spared us Herschel s notes of " the Moon s tropical, side
real, and synodic revolutions," and the " phenomena of
the syzygies," and proceeded at once to the pith of the
subject. Here came in his grand stroke, informing
the world of complete success in obtaining a distinct
view of objects in the moon " fully equal to that which
the unaided eye commands of terrestrial objects at the
distance of a hundred yards, affirmatively settling the
question whether the satellite be inhabited, and by what
order of beings," " firmly establishing a new theory of
cometary phenomena," etc., etc. This announcement
alone was enough to take one s breath away, but when
the green marble shores of the Mare Nubiurn ; the
mountains shaped like pyramids, and of the purest and
most dazzling crystalized, wine-colored amethyst, dot
ting green valleys skirted by " round- breasted hills; "
summits of the purest vermilion fringed with arching
cascades and buttresses of white marble glistening in
the sun when these began to be revealed, the delight
of our Luna-tics knew no bounds and the whole
town went moon-mad ! But even these immense pic
tures were surpassed by the " lunatic " animals discov-
268 HUMBUGS OF THE WOULD.
ered. First came the " herds of brown quadrupeds "
very like a no ! not a whale, but a bison, and u with
a tail resembling that of the bos grunniens " the
reader probably understands what kind of a " bos "
that is, if he s apprenticed to a theatre in midsummer
with musicians on a strike ; then a creature, which the
hoax-man naively declared " would be classed on earth
as a monster " I rather think it would ! " of a
bluish lead color, about the size of a goat, with a head
and a beard like him, and a single horn, slightly inclined
forward from the perpendicular " it is clear that if
this goat was cut down to a single horn, other people
were not ! I could not but fully appreciate the exqui
site distinction accorded by the writer to the female
of this lunar animal for she, while deprived of horn
and beard, he explicitly tells us, " had a much larger
tail ! " When the astronomers put their fingers on the
beard of this " beautiful " little creature (on the reflect
or, mind you !) it would skip away in high dudgeon,
which, considering that 240,000 miles intervened, was
something to show its delicacy of feeling.
Next in the procession of discovery, among other ani
mals of less note, was presented " a quadruped with an
amazingly long neck, head like a sheep, bearing two
long spiral horns, white as polished ivory, and standing
in perpendiculars parallel to each other. Its body was
like that of a deer, but its forelegs were most dispropor
tionately long, and its tail, which was very bushy and
of a snowy whiteness, curled high over its rump and
hung two or three feet by its side. Its colors were bright
bay and white, brindled in patches, but of no regular
HOAXES. 269
form." This is probably the animal known to us on
earth, and particularly along the Mississippi River, as the
" guyascutus," to which I may particularly refer in a
future article.
But all these beings faded into insignificance compar
ed with the first sight of the genuine Lunatics, or men in
the moon, " four feet high, covered, except in the face,
with short, glossy, copper-colored hair," and " with
wings composed of a thin membrane, without hair, ly
ing snugly upon their backs from the top of their shoul
ders to the calves of their legs," with faces of a yellow
ish flesh-color a slight improvement on the large
ourang-outang." Complimentary for the Lunatics !
But, says the chronicler, Lieutenant Drummond declar
ed that " but for their long wings, they would look as
well on a parade-ground as some of the cockney mili
tia ! " A little rough, my friend the reader will ex
claim, for the aforesaid militia.
Of course, it is impossible, in a sketch like the pres
ent, to do more than give a glimpse of this rare combi
nation of astronomical realities and the vagaries of mere
O
fancy, and I must omit the Golden-fringed Mountains,
the Vale of the Triads, with their splendid triangular
temples, etc., but I positively cannot pass by the glow
ing mention of the inhabitants of this wonderful valley
a superior race of Lunatics, as beautiful and as hap
py as angels, " spread like eagles " on the grass, eating
yellow gourds and red cucumbers, and played with by
snow-white stags, with jet-black horns ! The descrip
tion here is positively delightful, and I even now remem
ber my poignant sigh of regret when, at the conclusion, I
270 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
read that these innocent and happy beings, although
evidently " creatures of order and subordination," and
" very polite," were seen indulging in amusements which
would not be deemed " within the bounds of strict pro
priety " on this degenerate ball. The story wound up
rather abruptly by referring the reader to an extended
work on the subject by Herschel, which has not yet ap
peared.
One can laugh very heartily, now, at all .this ; but
nearly everybody, the gravest and the wisest, too, was
completely taken in at the time : and the " Sun," then
established at the corner of Spruce street, where the
" Tribune " office now stands, reaped an increase of
more than fifty thousand to its circulation in fact, there
gained the foundation of its subsequent prolonged success.
Its proprietors sold no less than $25,000 worth of the
" Moon Hoax " over the counter, even exhausting an edi
tion of sixty thousand in pamphlet form. And who was
the author ? A literary gentleman, who has devoted very
many years of his life to mathematical and astronomi
cal studies, and was at the time connected as an editor
with the " Sun " one whose name has since been wide
ly known in literature and politics Richard Adams
Locke, Esq., then in his youth, and now in the decline
of years. Mr. Locke, who still survives, is a native of
the British Isles, and, at the time of his first connection
with the Ne\v York press, was the only short-hand re
porter in this city, where he laid tho basis of a compe
tency he now enjoys. Mr. Locke declares that his ori
ginal object in writing the Moon story was to satirize
some of the extravagances of Doctor Dick, and to make
HOAXES. 271
some astronomical suggestions which he felt diffident
about offering seriously.
Whatever may have been his object, his hit was un
rivaled ; and for months the press of Christendom, but
far more in Europe than here, teemed with it, until Sir
John Herschel was actually compelled to come out with
a denial over his own signature. In the meantime, it
was printed and published in many languages, with su
perb illustrations. Mr. Endicott, the celebrated litho
grapher, some years ago had in his possession a splen
did series of engravings, of extra folio size, got up
in Italy, in the highest style of art, and illustrating the
" Moon Hoax."
Here, in New York, the public were, for a long time,
divided on the subject, the vast majority believing, and
a few grumpy customers rejecting the story. One day,
Mr. Locke was introduced by a mutual friend at the
door of the " Sun " office to a very grave old orthodox
Quaker, who, in the calmest manner, went on to tell him
all about the embarkation of Herschel s apparatus at
London, where he had seen it with his own eyes. Of
course, Locke s optics expanded somewhat while he lis
tened to this remarkable statement, but he wisely kept
his own counsel.
The discussions of the press were very rich ; the
" Sun," of course, defending the affair as genuine, and
others doubting it. The " Mercantile Advertiser,"
The "Albany Daily Advertiser," "the New York
Commercial Advertiser," the " New York Times," the
" New Yorker," the " New York Spirit of 76," the
"Sunday News," the "United States Gazette," the
272 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
" Philadelphia Inquirer," and hosts of other papers
came out with the most solemn acceptance and admir
ation of these " wonderful discoveries," and were
eclipsed in their approval only by the scientific journals
abroad. The " Evening Post," however, was decidedly
skeptical, and took up the matter in this irreverent way :
"It is quite proper that the " Sun" should be the means
of shedding so much light on the Moon. That there
should be winged people in the moon does not strike us
as more wonderful than the existence of such a race of
beings on the earth ; and that there does still exist such
a race, rests on the evidence of that most veracious of
voyagers and circumstantial of chroniclers, Peter Wilkins,
whose celebrated work not only gives an account of the
general appearance and habits of a most interesting tribe
of flying Indians; but, also, of all those more delicate and
engaging traits which the author was enabled to discover
by reason of the conjugal relations he entered into with
one of the females of the winged tribe."
The moon-hoax had its day, and some of its glory
still survives. Mr. Locke, its author, is now quietly
residing in the beautiful little home of a friend on the
Clove Road, Staten Island, and no doubt, as he gazes
up at the evening luminary, often fancies that he sees
a broad grin on the countenance of its only well-
authenticated tenant, u the hoary solitary whom the
criminal code of the nursery has banished thither for
collecting fuel on the Sabbath-day."
HOAXES. 273
CHAPTER XXXIII.
THE MISCEGENATION HOAX. A GREAT LIT-ERARY SELL.
POLITICAL HUMBUGGING. TRICKS OF THE WIRE
PULLERS. MACHINERY EMPLOYED TO RENDER THE
PAMPHLET NOTORIOUS. WHO WERE SOLD AND HOW
IT WAS DONE.
Some persons say that " all is fair in politics." With
out agreeing with this doctrine, I nevertheless feel that
the history of Ancient and Modern Humbugs would
not be complete without a record of the last and one of
the most successful of known literary hoaxes. This
is the pamphlet entitled " Miscegenation," which advo
cates the blending of the white and black races upon
this continent, as a result not only inevitable from the
freeing of the negro, but desirable as a means of cre
ating a more perfect race of men than any now exist
ing. This pamphlet is a clever political quiz; and was
written by three young gentlemen of the " World "
newspaper, namely. D. G. Croly, George Wakeman,
and E. C. Howell.
The design of "Miscegenation" was exceedingly
ambitious, and the machinery employed was probably
among the most ingenious and audacious ever put into
operation to procure the indorsement of absurd theories,
and give the subject the widest notoriety. The object
was to so make use of the prevailing ideas of the ex
tremists of the Anti-Slavery party, as to induce them
12*
274 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
to accept doctrines which would be obnoxious to the
great mass of the community, and which would, of
course, be used in the political canvass which was to en
sue. It was equally important that the " Democrats "
should be made to believe that the pamphlet in question
emanated from a " Republican " source. The idea was
suggested by a discourse delivered by Mr. Theodore
Tilton, at the Cooper Institute, before the American
Anti-Slavery Society, in May 1863, on the negro, in
which that distinguished orator argued, that in some
future time the blood of the negro would form one of
the mingled bloods of the great regenerated American
nation. The scheme once conceived, it began immedi
ately to be put into execution. The first stumbling-
block was the name " amalgamation," by which this
fraternizino 1 of the races had been always known. It
O
was evident that a book advocating amalgamation would
fall still-born, and hence some new and novel word had
to be discovered, with the same meaning, but not so ob
jectionable. Such a word was coined by the combina
tion of the Latin miscere, to mix, and genus, race :
from these, miscegenation a mingling of the races.
The word is as euphonious as " amalgamation," and
much more correct in meaning. It has passed into the
language, and no future dictionary will be complete
without it. Next, it was necessary to give the book an
erudite appearance, and arguments from ethnology
must form no unimportant part of this matter. Neither
of the authors being versed in this science, they were
compelled to depend entirely on enclyclopedias and
books of reference. This obstacle to a New York edit-
HOAXES. 275
or or reporter was not so great as it might seem. The
public are often favored in our journals with disserta
tions upon various abstruse matters by men who are en
tirely ignorant of what they are writing about. It was
said of Cuvier that he could restore the skeleton of an
extinct animal if he were only given one of its teeth,
and so a competent editor or reporter of a city journal
can get up an article of any length on any given sub
ject, if he is only furnished one word or name to start
with. There was but one writer on ethnology distinct
ly known to the authors, which was Prichard ; but
that being secured, all the rest came easily enough.
The authors went to the Astor Library and secured a
volume, of Prichard s works, the perusal of which of
course gave them the names of many other authorities,
which were also consulted ; and thus a very respecta
ble array of scientific arguments in favor of Miscegena
tion were soon compiled. The sentimental and argu
mentative portions were quickly suggested from the
knowledge of the authors of current politics, of the va
garies of some of the more visionary reformers, and
from their own native wit.
The book was at first written in a most cursory man
ner the chapters got up without any order or reference to
each other, and afterward arranged. As the impression
sought to be conveyed was a serious one, it would clear
ly not do to commence with the extravagant and absurd
theories to which it was intended that the reader should
gradually be led. The scientific portion of the work
was therefore given first, and was made as grave and
terse and unobjectionable as possible ; and merely urged,
276 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
by arguments drawn from science and history, that the
blending of the different races of men resulted in a bet
ter progeny. As the work progressed, they continued
to " pile on the agony," until, at the close, the very fact
that the statue of the Goddess of Liberty on the Capitol,
is of a bronze tint, is looked upon as an omen of the
color of the future American !
" When the traveler approaches the City of Magnficent
Distances," it says, " the seat of what is destined to be
the greatest and most beneficent power on earth, the first
object that will strike his eye will be the figure of Liberty
surmounting the Capitol; not white, symbolizing but one
race, nor black, typifying another, but a statue represent
ing the composite race, whose sway will extend from
the Atlantic to the. Pacific Ocean, from the Equator to the
North Pole the Miscegens of the Future."
The Book once written, plans \vere laid to obtain the
indorsement of the people who were to be humbugged.
It Was not only necessary to humbug the members of
the Reform and Progressive party, but to present as
I have before said such serious arguments that Demo
crats should be led to believe it as a bonafide revelation
of the u infernal" designs of their antagonists. In
both respects there was complete success. Although,
of course, the mass of the Republican leaders entirely
ignored the book, yet a considerable number of Anti-
Slavery men, with more transcendental ideas, were
decidedly " sold." The machinery employed was ex
ceedingly ingenious. Before the book was published,
proof-copies were furnished to every prominent aboli
tionist in the country, and also to prominent spiritual
HOAXES. 277
mediums, to ladies known to wear Bloomers, and to all
that portion of our population who are supposed to be
a little u soft " on the subject of reform. A circular
was nKo enclosed, requesting them, before the publica
tion of the book, to give the author the benefit of their
opinions as to the value of the arguments presented, and
the desirability of the immediate publication of the
work ; to be inclosed to the American News Company,
121 Nassau street, New York the agents for the pub
lishers. The bait took. Letters came pouring in from
all sides, and among the names of prominent persons
who gave their indorsements were Albert Brisbane,
Parker Pillsbury, Lucretia Mott, Sarah M. Grimke,
Angelina G. Weld, Dr. J. McCune Smith, Win. Wells
Brown. Mr. Pillsbury was quite excited over the book,
saving ; -Your work has cheered and gladdened a winter-
morning, which I began in cloud and sorrow. You are
on the right track. Pursue it, and the good God speed
you." Mr. Theodore Tilton, upon receiving the pamph
let, wrote a note promising to read it, and to write the
author a long and candid letter as soon as he had time ;
and saying, that the subject was one to which he had giv
en much thought. The promised letter, I believe, how
ever, was never received ; probably because, on a careful
perusal of the book, Mr. Tilton " smelt a rat." He
might also have been influenced by an ironical para
graph relating to himself, and arguing that, as he was
a " pure specimen of the blonde," and " when a young
man was noted for his angelic type of feature," his
sympathy for the colored race was accounted for by the
natural love of opposites. Says the author with much
gravity :
278 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
" The sympathy Mr. Greeley, Mr. Phillips anrl Mr. Tilton
feel for the negro is the love which the blonde bears for
the black; it is the love of race, a sympathy stronger to
them than the love they bear to woman. It is founded
upon natural law. We love our opposites. It is the na
ture of things that we should do so, and where Nature
has free course, men like those we have indicated, wheth
er Anti-Slavery or Pro-Slavery, Conservative or Radical,
Democrat or Republican, will marry and be given in mar
riage to the most perfect specimens of the colored race."
So far, tilings worked favorably ; and, having thus
bagged a goodly number of prominent reformers, the
next effort was to get the ear of the public. Here, new
machinery was brought into play. A statement was
published in the " Philadelphia Inquirer " (a paper
which, ever since the war commenced, has been noto
rious for its " sensation " news,) that a charming and
accomplished young mulatto girl was about to publish
a book on the subject of the blending of the races, in
which she took the affirmative view. Of course, so
piquant a paragraph was immediately copied by almost
every paper in the country. Various other stories,
equally ingenious and equally groundless, were set
afloat, and public expectation was riveted on the forth
coming work.
Some time in February last, the book was published.
Copies, of course, were sent to all the leading journals.
The 4 i Anglo-African," the organ of the colored popula
tion of New York, warmly, and at great length, in
dorsed the doctrine. The " Anti-Slavery Standard,"
edited by Mr. Oliver Johnson, gave over a column of
serious argument and endorsement to the work. Mr.
O
Tilton, of the " Independent," was not to be caught
HOAXES. 279
napping. In that journal, under date of February 25,
1864, he devoted a two-column leader to the subject of
Miscegenation and the little pamphlet in question. Mr.
Til ton was the first to announce a belief that the book
was a hoax. I quote from his article :
" Remaining a while on our table unread, our atten
tion was specially called to it by noticing how savage
ly certain newspapers were abusing it."
******
"The authorship of the pamphlet is a well-kept secret;
at least it is unknown to us. Nor, after a somewhat care
ful reading, are we convinced that the writer is in earn
est. Our first impression was, and remains, that the work
was meant as a piece of pleasantry a burlesque upon
what are popularly called the extreme and fanatical no
tions of certain radical men named therein. Certainly,
the essay is not such a one as any of these gentlemen
would have written on the subject, though some of their
speeches are conspicuously quoted and commended in it."
******
" If written in earnest, the work is not thorough enough
to be satisfactory ; if in jest, we prefer Sydney Smith or
McClellan s Report. Still, to be frank, we agree with a
large portion of these pages, but disagree heartily with
another portion."
******
"The idea of scientifically undertaking to intermingle
existing populations according to a predetermined plan
for reconstructing the human race for flattening out its
present varieties into one final unvarious dead-level of
humanity is so absurd, that we are more than ever
convinced such a statement was not written in earnest! "
Mr. Tilton, however, hints that the colored race
is finally in some degree to form a component .part of
280 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
the future American ; and that, in time, " the negro
of the South, growing paler with every generation, will
at last completely hide his face under the snow."
One of the editorial writers for the " Tribune " was
so impressed with the book that he wrote an article on
the subject, arguing about it with apparent seriousness,
and in a manner with some readers supposed to be rath
er favorable than otherwise to the doctrine. Mr. Gree-
ley and the publishers, it is understood, were displeased
at the publication of the article. The next morning
nearly all the city journals had editorial articles upon
the subject.
The next point was, to get the miscegenation contro
versy into Congress. The book, with its indorsements,
was brought to the notice of Mr. Cox, of Ohio (com
monly called " Sunset Cox ; ") and he made an earn
est speech on the subject. Mr. Washburne replied
wittily, reading and commenting on extracts from a
. 7 C> O
work by Cox, in which the latter deplored the existence
of the prejudice against the Africans. A few days
after, Mr. Kelly, of Perisylvania, replied very elaborate
ly to Mr. Cox, bringing all his learning and historical
research to bear on the topic. It was the subject of a
deal of talk in Washington afterward. Mr. Cox was
O
charged by some of the more shrewd members of Con
gress with writino- it. It was said that Mr. Sumner,
o o
on reading it, immediately pronounced it a hoax.
Through the influence of the authors, a person visit
ed James Gordon Bennett, of the u Herald," and spoke
to him about " Miscegenation." Mr. Bennett thought
the idea too monstrous and absurd to waste an article
upon.
HOAXES. 281
" But," said the gentleman, " the Democratic papers
are all noticing it."
u The Democratic editors are asses," said Bennett.
" Senator Cox has just made a speech in Congress on
it."
" Cox is an ass," responded Bennett.
" Greeley had an article about it the other day."
" Well, Greeley s a donkey."
" The 4 Independent yesterday had a leader of a
column and a half about it."
" Well, Beecherisno better," said Bennett. " They re
all asses. But what did he say about it ? "
" Oh, he rather indorsed it."
"Well, I ll read the article," said Bennett. " And
perhaps I ll have an article written ridiculing Beecher.
" It will make a very good handle against the radi
cals," said the other.
" Oh, I don t know," said Bennett, " Let them
marry together, if they want to, with all my heart."
For some days, the " Herald " said nothing about it,
but the occasion of the departure of a colored regiment
from New York City having called forth a flattering
address to them from the ladies of the " Loyal League,"
the " Herald," saw a chance to make a point against
Mr. Charles King and others ; and the next day it con
tained a terrific article, introducing miscegenation in
the most violent and offensive manner, and saying that
the ladies of the " Loyal League " had offered to marry
the colored soldiers on their return I After that, the
", Herald " kept up a regular fusilade against the sup
posed miscegenic proclivities of the Republicans. And
282 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
thus, after all, Bennett swallowed the " critter " horns,
hoofs, tail, and all.
The authors even had the impudence to attempt to
entrap Mr. Lincoln into an indorsement of the work,
and asked permission to dedicate a new work, on a kin
dred subject, " Melaleukation," to him. Honest Old
Abe however, who can see a joke, was not to be taken
in so easily.
About the time the book was first published, Miss
Anne E. Dickinson happened to lecture in New York.
The authors here exhibited a great degree of acuteness
and tact, as well as sublime impudence, in seizing the
opportunity to have some small hand bills, with the en
dorsement of the book, printed and distributed by boys
among the audience. Before Miss Dickinson appeared,
therefore, the audience were gravely reading the mis
cegenation handbill ; and the reporters, noticing it,
coupled the facts in their reports. From this, it went
forth, and was widely circulated, that Miss Dickinson
was the author !
Dr. Mackay, the correspondent of the " London
Times," in New York, was very decidedly sold, and
hurled all manner of big words against the doctrine in
his letters to " The Thunderer ; " and thus " the lead
ing paper of Europe " was, for the hundredth time dur
ing the American Rebellion, decidedly taken in and
done for.
The " Saturday Review " perhaps the cleverest
and certainly the sauciest of the English hebdomadals
also berated the book and its authors in the most
HOAXES. 283
pompous language at its command. Indeed, the " West
minster Review " seriously refers to the arguments of
the book in connection with Dr. Broca s pamphlet on
Human Hybridity, a most profound work. " Miscege
nation " was republished in England by Triibner &
Co. ; and very extensive translations from it are still
passing the rounds of the French and German papers.
Thus passes into history one of the most impudent
as well as ingenious literary hoaxes of the present day.
There is probably not a newspaper in the country but
has printed much about it ; and enough of extracts
might be collected from various journals upon the sub
ject to fill my whale-tank.
It is needless to say that the book passed through
several editions. Of course, the mass of the intelligent
American people rejected the doctrines of the work,
and looked upon it either as a political dodge, or as the
ravings of some crazy man ; but the authors have the
satisfaction of knowing that it achieved a notoriety
which has hardly been equalled by any mere pamphlet
ever published in this country.
VII. GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS.
CHAPTER. XXXIV.
HAUNTED HOUSES. A NIGHT SPENT ALONE WITH A
GHOST. KIRBY, THE ACTOR COLT S PISTOLS VERSUS
HOBGOBLINS. THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED.
A great many persons believe more or less in haunt
ed houses. In almost every community there is some
building that has had a mysterious history. This is
true in all countries, and among all races and nations.
Indeed it is to this very fact that the ingenious author
of the " Twenty-seventh-street Ghost " may attribute
his success in creating such an excitement. In fact, I
wjll say, " under the rose," he predicted his hopes of
success entirely upon this weakness in human nature.
Even in " this day and age of the world " there are
hundreds of deserted buildings which are looked upon
with awe, or terror, or superstitious interest. They
have frightened their former inhabitants away, and left
the buildings in the almost undisputed possession of real
moles, bats, and owls, and imaginary goblins and
sprites.
In the course of my travels in both hemispheres I
have been amazed at the great number of such cases
that have come under my personal observation.
But for the present, I will give a brief account of a
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 285
haunted house in Yorkshire, England, in which some
twenty years ago, Kirby, the actor, who formerly play
ed at the Chatham Theatre, passed a pretty strange
night. I met Mr. Kirby in London in 1844, and I will
give, in nearly his own language, a history of his lone
night in this haunted house, as he gave it to me within a
week after its occurrence. I will add, that I saw no
reason to doubt Mr. Kirby s veracity, and he assured
me upon his honor that the statement was literally true
to the letter. Having myself been through several
similar places in the daytime, I felt a peculiar interest
in the subject, and hence I have a vivid recollection of
nearly the exact words in which he related his singular
nocturnal adventure. One thing is certain : Kirby was
not the man to be afraid of trying such an experiment.
44 I had heard wonderful stories about this house,"
said Mr. Kirby to me, " and I was very glad to get a
chance to enter it, although, I confess, the next morn
ing I was about as glad to get out of it."
44 It was an old country-seat a solid stone man
sion which had long borne the reputation of a haunted
house. It was watched only by one man. He was the
old gardener, an ancient servant of the family that
once lived there, and a person in whom the family re
posed implicit confidence.
" Having had some inklino- of this wonderful place,
c"5 O J
and having a few days to spare before going to London
to fulfil an engagement at the Surry Theatre, I thought
I would probe this haunted-house story to the bottom.
I therefore called on the old gardener who had charge
of the place, and introduced myself as an American
286 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD
traveller desirous of spending a night with his ghosts. The
old man seemed to be about seventy-five or eighty years
of age. I met him at the gate of the estate, where he
kept guard. He told me, when I applied, that it was a
dangerous spot to enter, but I could pass it if I pleased.
I should, however, have to return by the same door, if
I ever came back again.
" Wishing to make sure of the job, I gave him a sov
ereign, and asked him to give me all the privileges of
the establishment; and if his bill amounted to more,
I would settle it when I returned. He looked at me
with an expression of doubt and apprehension, as much
as to say that he neither understood what I was going
to do nor what was likely to happen. He merely re
marked :
" You can go in.
" Will you go with me, and show me the road ?
" I will .
" 4 Go ahead.
" We entered. The gate closed. I suddenly turned
on my man, the old gardener and custodian of the
place, and said to him :
" Now, my patriarchal friend, I am going to sift
this humbug to the bottom, even if I stay here forty
nights in succession ; and I am prepared to lay all
" spirits " that present themselves ; but if you will save
me all trouble in the matter and frankly explain to me
the whole affair, I will never mention it to your injury,
and I will present you with ten golden sovereigns."
" The old fellow looked astonished ; but he smirked,
and whimpered, and trembled, and said :
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 287
" I am afraid to do that ; but I will warn you
against going too far.
" When we had crossed a courtyard^ he rang a bell,
and several strange noises were distinctly heard. I
was introduced to the establishment through a well-
constructed archway, which led to a large stairway,
from which we proceeded to a great door, which open
ed into a very large room. It was a library. The old
custodian had carried a torch (and I was prepared
with a box of matches.) He was acting evidently 4 on
the square, and I sat myself down in the library,
where he told me that I should soon see positive evi
dence that this was a haunted house.
44 Not being a very firm believer in the doctrine of
houses really haunted, I proposed to keep a pretty good
hold of my match-box, and lest there should be any
doubt about it, I had also provided myself with two
sperm candles, which I kept in my pocket, so I should
not be left too suddenly and too long in the dark.
44 Now Sir," said he, " I wish you to hold all your
nerves steady and keep your courage up, because I in
tend to stand by you as well as I can, but I never come
into this house alone."
44 4 Well, what is the matter with the house ?
44 Oh ! everything, Sir !
444 What?
44 4 Well, when I was much younger than I am now,
the master of this estate got frightened here by some
O O J
mysterious appearances, noises, sounds, etc., and he
preferred to leave the place.
44 4 Why ?
288 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
" He had a tradition from his grandfather, and
pretty well kept alive in the family, that it was a
haunted house ; and he let out the estate to the small
er farmers of the neighborhood, and quit the premises,
and never returned again, except one night, and after
that one night he left. We suppose he is dead. Now,
Sir, if you wish to spend the night here as you have
requested, what may happen to you I don t know ; but
I tell you it is a haunted house, and I would not sleep
here to-night for all the wealth of the Bank of Eng
land !
" This did not deter me in the least, and having the
means of self-protection around me, and plenty of luci-
fer matches, etc., I thought I would explore this mys
tery and see whether a humbug which had terrified
the proprietors of that magnificent house in the midst
of a magnificent estate, for upward of sixty years, could
not be explored and exploded. That it was a humbug,
I had no doubt ; that I would find it out, I was not so
certain.
" I sat down in the library, fully determined to
spend the night in the establishment. A door was
opened into an adjoining room where there was a dust-
covered lounge, and every thing promised as much
comfort as could be expected under the circumstances.
However, before the old keeper of the house left, I
asked him to show me over the building, and let me
explore for myself the different rooms and apartments.
To all this he readily consented ; and as he had some
prospect before him of making a good job out of it, he
displayed a great deal of alacrity, and moved along
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 289
verv quick and smart for a man apparently eighty years
of age.
u I went from room to room and story to story.
Everything seemed to be well arranged, but somewhat
dusty and time-worn. I kept a pretty sharp lookout,
but I could see no sort of machinery for producing a
grand effect.
" We finally descended to the library, when I closed
the door, and bolting and locking it, took the key and
put it in my pocket.
" Now, Sir, I said to the keeper, 4 where is the
humbug ?
u 4 There is no humbug here, he answered.
" Well, why don t you show me some evidence of
the haunted house ?
" 4 You wait, said he, 4 till twelve o clock to-night,
and you will see " haunting " enough for you. I will
not stay till then.
" He left ; I staid. Everything was quiet for some
time. Not a mouse was heard, not a rat was visible,
and I thought I would go to sleep.
" I lay down for this purpose, but I soon heard cer
tain extraordinary sounds that disturbed my repose.
Chains were clanked, noises were made, and shrieks
and groans were heard from various parts of the man
sion. All of these I had expected. They did not
frighten me much. A little while after, just as I was
going to sleep again, a curious string of light burned
around the room. It ran along on the walls in a zigzag
line, about six feet high, entirely through the apartment.
I did not smell anything bituminous or like sulphur.
13
290 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
It flashed quicker than powder, and it did not smell
like it. Thinks I : fc This looks pretty well, we will
have some amusement now. Then the ] uno-lin<r of
J & &
bells, and clanking of chains, and flashes of light ; then
thumpings and knockings of all sorts came along, in
terspersed with shrieks and groans. I sat very quiet.
I had two of Colt s best pistols in my pocket, and I
thought I could shoot anything spiritual or material
with these machines made in Connecticut. I took
them out and laid them on the table. One of them sud
denly disappeared ! I did not like that, still my nerves
were firm, for I knew it was all gammon. I took the
other pistol in my hand and surveyed the room. No
body was there; and, finally half suspicious that I had
gone to sleep and had a drearn, I woke up with a grasp
on my hand which was holding the other pistol. This
soon made me fully awake.
" I tried to recover my balance, and at this moment
the candle went out. I lit it with one of my lucifers.
No person was visible, but the noises began again, and
they were infernal. I then took one of my sperm can
dles out, and went to unlock the door. I attempted to
take the key out of my pocket. It was not there !
Suddenly the door opened, I saw a man or a somebody
about the size of a man, standino- straight in front of
o r?
me. I pointed one of Colt s revolvers at his head, for
I thought I saw something human about him ; and I
told him that whether he was ghost or spirit, goblin or
robber, he had better stand steady, or I would blow
his brains out, if he had any. And to make sure that
he should not escape I got hold of his arm, and told
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 291
him that if he was a ghost he would have a tolera
bly hard time of it, and that if he was a humbug I
would let him off if he would tell me the whole story
about the. trick.
" He saw that he was caught, and he earnestly beg
ged me not to fire that American pistol at him. I did
not ; but I did not let go of him. I brought him into
the library, and with pistol in hand I put him through
a pretty close examination. He was clad in mailed
armor, with breastplate and helmet, and a great sword,
in the style of the Crusaders. He promised, on condi
tion of saving his life, to give me an honest account of
the facts.
In substance they were, that he, an old family-
servant, and ultimately a gardener in charge of the
place, had been employed by an enemy of the gentle
man who owned the property, to render it so uncom
fortable that the estate should be sold for much less
than its value ; and that he had got an ingenious ma
chinist and chemist to assist him in arranging such con
trivances as would make the house so intolerable that
they could not live there. A galvanic battery with
wires were provided, and every device of chemistry and
mechanism was resorted to in order to effect this pur
pose.
" One by one, the family left ; and they had remain
ed away for nearly two generations under the terror of
such forms, and appearances, and sights and sounds, as
frightened them almost to death. And futherrnore, the
old gardener added, that he expected his own grand
daughter would become the lady of that house, when
292 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
the property should have been neglected so long and the
place became so fearful that no one in the neighborhood
would undertake to purchase it, or to even pass one mo
ment after dark in exploring its horrible mysteries.
" He begged on his knees that I would spare him
with his gray hairs, since he had* so short a time to live.
He declared that he had been actuated by no other mo
tive than pride and ambition for his child.
" I told the poor old fellow that his secret should be
safe with me, and should not be made public so long
as he lived. The old man grasped mv hand easier! v and
o I - O
expressed his gratitude in the strongest terms. Thus,
Mr. Barnum, I have given you the pure and honest facts
in regard to my adventure in a so called haunted house.
Don t make it public until you are convinced that the
old gardener has shuffled off this mortal coil."
So much for Kirby s story of the haunted house.
No doubt, the old gardener has before this become in
reality a disembodied spirit, but that his grand-daughter
became legally possessed of the estate is not at all prob
able. Real estate does not change hands so easily in
England. So powerful, however is the superstitious
belief in haunted houses, that it is doubtful whether that
property will for many years sustain half so great a cash
value in the market as it would have done had it not
been considered a " haunted house."
It is to be hoped that, as schools multiply and educa
tion increases, the follies and superstitions which under
lie a belief in ghosts and hobgoblins will pass away.
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 293
CHAPTER XXXV.
HAUNTED HOUSES. GHOSTS. GHOULS. PHANTOMS.
VAMPIRES. CONJURORS. DIVINING. GOBLINS.
FORTUNE-TELLING. MAGIC. WITCHES. SORCE
RY. OBI. DREAMS. SIGNS. SPIRITUAL MEDIUMS.
FALSE PROPHETS. DEMONOLOGY. DEVILTRY GEN
ERALLY.
Whether superstition is the father of humbug, or
humbug the mother of superstition (as well as its
nurse,) I do not pretend to say ; for the biggest fools
and the greatest philosophers can be numbered among
the believers in and victims of the worst humbugs that
ever prevailed on the earth.
As we grow up from childhood and begin to think
we are free from all superstitions, absurdities, follies, a
belief in dreams, signs, omens, and other similar stuff,
we afterward learn that experience does not cure the
complaint. Doubtless much depends upon our " bring
ing up." If children are permitted to feast their ears
night after night (as I was) with stories of ghosts, hob
goblins, ghouls, witches, apparitions, bugaboos, it is
more difficult in after-life for them to rid their minds of
impressions thus made.
But whatever may have been our early education. I
am convinced that there is an inherent love of the mar
velous in every breast, and that everybody is more or
less superstitious ; and every superstition I denominate
294 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
a humbug, for it lays the human mind open to any
amount of belief, in any amount of deception that may
be practised.
One object of these chapters consists in showing how
open everybody is to deception, that nearly everybody
" hankers " after it, that solid and solemn realities arc
frequently set aside for silly impositions and delusions,
and that people, as a too general thing, like to be led
into the region of mystery. As Hudibras lias it :
** Doubtless the pleasure is as great
Of being cheated as to ch^al,
As lookers-on feel most delight
That least perceive a juggler s sleight;
And still the less they understand,
The more they admire his sleight of hand."
The amount or strength of man s brains have little to
do with the amount of their superstitions. The most
learned and the greatest men have been the deepest be
lievers in ingeniously-contrived machines for running
human reason off the track. If any expositions I can
make on this subject will serve to put people on their
guard against impositions of all sorts, as well as foolish
superstitions, I shall feel a pleasure in reflecting that I
have not written in vain. The heading of this chapter
enumerates the principal kinds of supernatural hum
bugs. These, it must be remembered, are quite differ
ent from religious impostures.
It is astonishing to reflect how ancient is the date of
this class of superstitions (as well as of most others, in
fact,) and how universally they have prevailed. Near
ly thirty-six hundred years ago, it was thought a matter
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 295
of course that Joseph, the Hebrew Prime Minister of
Pharaoh, should have a silver cup that he commonly
used to do his divining with : so that the practice must
already have been an established one.
In Homer s time, about twenty-eight hundred years
ago, ghosts were believed to appear. The Witch of
Endor pretended to raise the ghost of Samuel, at about
the same time.
To-day, here in the City of New York, dream books
are sold by the edition ; a dozen fortune-tellers regular
ly advertise in the papers ; a haunted house can gather
excited crowds for weeks ; abundance of people are
uneasy if they spill salt, dislike to see the new moon
over the wrong shoulder, and are delighted if they can
find an old horse-shoe to nail to their door-post.
I have already told about one or two haunted houses,
but must devote part of this chapter to that division of
the subject. There are hundreds of such that is, of
those reputed to be such ; and have been for hundreds
of years. In almost every city, and in many towns
and country places, they are to be found. I know of
one, for instance, in New Jersey, one or two in New
York, and have heard of several in Connecticut. There
are great numbers in Europe ; for as white men have
lived there so much longer than in America, ghosts
naturally accumulated. In this country there are
houses and places haunted by ghosts of Hessians, and
Yankee ghosts, not to mention the headless Dutch
phantom of Tarrytown, that turned out to be Brom
Bones ; but who ever heard of the ghost of an Indian ?
And as for the ghost of a black man, evidently it would
296 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
have to appear by daylight. You couldn t see it in the
dark !
I have no room to even enumerate the cases of
haunted houses. One in Aix-la-Chapelle, a fine large
house, stood empty five years on account of the knock-
ings in it, until it was sold for almost nothing, and the
new owner (lucky man !) discovered that the ghost was
a draft through a broken window that banned a loose
O <>
door. An English gentleman once died, and his heir,
in a day or two, heard of mysterious knockings which
the frightened servants attributed to the defunct. He,
however, investigated a little, and found that a rat in
an old store room, was trying to get out of an old-
fashioned box trap, and being able to lift the door only
partly, it dropped again, constituting the ghost. Better
pleased to find the rat than his father, the young man
exterminated rat and phantom together.
A very ancient and impressive specimen of a haunted
house was the palace of Vauvert, belonging to King
Louis IX, of France, who was so pious that he was
called Saint Louis. This fine building was so situated
as to become very desirable, in the year 1259, to some
monks. So there was forthwith horrid shriekings at
night-times, red and green lights shone through the
windows, and, finally, a large green ghost, with a white
beard and a serpent s tail, came every midnight to a
front window, and shook his fist, and howled at those
who passed by. Everybody was frightened King
Louis, good simple soul ! as well as the rest. Then the
bold monks appearing at the nick of time, intimated
that if the King would give them the palace, they
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 297
would do up the ghost in short order. He did it, and
was very thankful to them besides. They moved in,
and sure enough, the ghost appeared no more. Why
should he ?
The o-hosts of Woodstock are well known. How
o
they tormented the Puritan Commissioners who came
thither in 1649, to break up the place, and dispose of it
for the benefit of the Commonwealth ! The poor Puri
tans had a horrid time. A disembodied dog growled
under their bed, and bit the bed-clothes ; something in
visible walked all about ; the chairs and tables danced ;
something threw the dishes about (like the Davenport
" spirits ;" ) put logs for the pillows ; flung brickbats up
and down, without regard to heads ; smashed the win
dows ; threw pebbles in at the frightened commission
ers ; stuck a lot of pewter platters into their beds ; ran
away with their breeches ; threw dirty water over them
in bed ; banged them over the head until, after sev
eral weeks, the poor fellows gave it up, and ran away
back to London. Many years afterward, it came out
that all this was done by their clerk, who was" secretly
a royalist, though they thought him a furious Puritan,
and who knew all the numerous secret passages and con
trivances in the old palace. Most people have read
Sir Walter Scott s capital novel of "Woodstock,"
founded on this very story.
The well known " Demon of Tedworth," that drum
med, and scratched, and pounded, and threw things
about, in 1681, in Mr. Mompesson s house turned out
to be a gipsy drummer and confederates.
The still more famous " Ghost in Cock Lane," in
13*
298 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
London in 1762, consisted of a Mrs. Parsons and her
daughter, a little girl, trained by Mr. Parsons to knock
and scratch very much after the fashion of the alpha
bet talking of the "spirits" of to-day. Parsons got
up the whole affair, to revenge himself on a Mr. Kent.
The ghost pretended to be that of a deceased sister-in-
law of Kent, and to have been poisoned by him. But
Parsons and his assistants were found out, and had to
smart for their fun, being heavily fined, imprison
ed, etc.
A very able ghost indeed, a Methodist ghost the
spectral property, consequently, of my good friends the
Methodists used to rattle, and clatter, and bang, and
communicate, in the house of the Rev. Mr. Wesley, the
father of John Wesley, at Epworth, in England. This
ghost was very troublesome, and utterly useless. In
fact, none of the ghosts that haunt houses are of the
leas-t possible use. They plague people, but do no good.
They act like the spirits of departed monkeys.
I must add two or three short anecdotes about ghosts,
got up in the devil-manner. They are not new, but il
lustrate very handsomely the state of mind in which a
ghost should be met. One is, that somebody undertook
to scare Cuvier, the great naturalist, with a ghost hav-
in an ox s head. Cuvier woke, and found the fearful
thing glaring and grinning at his bedside.
" What do you want? "
" To devour you ! " growled the ghost.
" Devour me? " quoth the great Frenchman " Hoofs,
horns, graminivorous ! You can t do it clear out ! "
And he did clear out.
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 299
A pious maiden lady, in one of our New-England
villages, was known to possess three peculiarities. First,
she was a very religious, honest, matter-of-fact woman.
Second, she supposed everybody else was equally honest ;
hence she was very credulous, always believing every
thing she heard. And third, having " a conscience
void of offense," she saw no reason to be afraid of any
thing ; consequently, she feared nothing.
On a dark night, some boys, knowing that she would
be returning home alone from prayer-meeting, through
an unfrequented street, determined to test two of her
peculiarities, viz., her credulity and her courage. One
of the boys was sewed up in a huge shaggy bear-skin,
and as the old lady s feet were heard pattering down the
street, he threw himself directly in her path and com
menced making a terrible noise.
" Mercy ! " exclaimed the old lady. " Who are
O * }
you f
" I am the devil ! " was the reply.
Weil, you are a poor creature ! " responded the an
tiquated virgin, as she stepped aside and passed by the
strange animal, probably not for a moment doubting it
was his Satanic Majesty, but certainly not dreaming of
being afraid of him.
It is said that a Yankee tin peddler, who had fre
quently cheated most of the people in the vicinity of a
New England village through which he was passing,
was induced by some of the acute ones to join them in
a drinking bout. He finally became stone drunk ; and
in that condition these wags carried him to a dark rocky
cave near the village, then, dressing themselves in raw-
300 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD;
head-and-bloody-bones style, awaited liis return to con
sciousness.
As he began rousing himself, they lighted some huge
torches, and also set fire to some bundles of straw, and
three or four rolls of brimstone, which they had placed
in different parts of the cavern. The peddler rubbed
his eyes, and seeing and smelling all these evidences of
pandemonium, concluded he had died, and was now
partaking of his final doom. But lie took it very phi
losophically, for he complacently remarked to himself.
" In hell just as I expected ! "
A story is told of a cool old sea captain, with a vira
go of a wife, who met one of these artificial devils in a
lonely place. As the ghost obstructed his path, the old
fellow remarked :
" If you are not the devil, get out ! If you are, come
along with me and get supper. I married your sister !
CHAPTER XXXVI.
MAGICAL HUMBUGS. VIRGIL. A PICKLED SORCERER.
CORNELIUS AGRIPPA. HIS STUDENTS AND HIS BLACK
DOG. DOCTOR FAUSTUS. HUMBUGGING HORSE-
JOCKEYS. ZIITO AND HIS LARGE SWALLOW. SALA
MANCA. DEVIL TAKE THE HINDMOST.
Magic, sorcery, witchcraft, enchantment, necromancy,
conjuring, incantation, soothsaying, divining, the black
art, are all one and the same humbug. They show
how prone men are to believe in some supernatural power,
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 301
in some beings wiser and stronger than themselves,
but at the same time how they stop short, and find sat
isfaction in some debasing humbug, instead of looking
above and beyond it all to God, the only being that it is
really worth while for man to look up to or beseech.
Magic and witchcraft are believed in by the vast ma
jority of mankind, and by immense numbers even in
Christian countries. They have always been believed
in, so far as I know. In following up the thread of
history, we always find conjuring or witch work of
some kind, just as long as the narrative has space
enough to include it. Already, in the early dawn of
time, the business was a recognized and long established
one. And its history is as unbroken from that day
down to this, as the history of the race.
In the narrow space at my command at present, I
shall only gather as many of the more interesting sto
ries about these humbugs, as I can make room for.
Reasoning about the subject, or full details of it, are at
present out of the question. A whole library of books
exists about it.
It is a curious fact that throughout the middle ages,
the Roman poet Virgil was commonly believed to have,
been a great magician. Traditions were recorded by
monastic chroniclers about him, that he made a brass
fly and mounted it over one of the gates of Naples,
having instilled into this metallic insect such potent
magical qualities that as long as it kept guard over the
gate, no musquitos, or flies, or cockroach, or other trou
blesome insects could exist in the citv. What would
have become of the celebrated Bug Powder man in
302 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD
those clays ? The story is told about Virgil as well as
about Albertus Magnus, Roger Bacon, and other magi
cians, that he made a brazen head which could prophe
sy. He also made some statues of the gods of the va
rious nations subject to Rome, so enchanted that if one
of those nations was preparing to rebel, the statue of
its god rung a bell and pointed a finger toward the na
tion. The same set of stories tells how poor Virgil
came to an untimely end in consequence of trying to
live forever. He had become an old man, it appears,
and wishing to be young again, he used some appropri
ate incantations, and prepared a secret cavern. In this
he caused a confidential disciple to cut him up like a
hog and pack him away in a barrel of pickle, out of
which he was to emerge in his new mao-ic youth after a
O "> J
certain time. But by that special bad luck which seems
to attend such cases, some malapropos traveller some
how made his way into the cavern, where he found the
magic pork-barrel standing silently all alone in the
middle of the place, and an ever-burning lamp illumin
ating the room, and slowly distilling a magic oil upon
the salted sorcerer who was cookino- below. The trav-
Z3
eller rudely jarred the barrel, the light went out, as the
torches flared upon it ; and suddenly there appeared to
the eyes of the astounded man, close at one side of the
barrel, a little naked child, which ran thrice around the
barrel, uttering deep curses upon him who had thus de
stroyed the charm, and ranished. The frightened trav
eller made off as fast as he could, and poor old Virgil,
for what I know, is in pickle yet.
Cornelius Agrippa was one of the most celebrated
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 303
magicians of the middle ages. He lived from the year
1486 (six years before the discovery of America) until
1534. and was a native of Cologne, Agrippa is said to
have had a ma^ic <ilass in which he showed to his custom-
!""> o
ers such dead or absent persons as they might wish to see.
Thus he would call up the beautiful Helen of Troy, or
Cicero in the midst of an oration ; or to a pining lover,
the figure of his absent lady, as she was employed at the
moment a dangerous exhibition! For who knows,
whether the consolation sought by the fair one, will al
ways be such as her lover will approve ? Agrippa,
they say, had an attendant devil in the form of a huge
black dog, whom on his death-bed the magician dismis
sed with curses. The dog ran away, plunged into the
river Saone and was seen no more. We are of course
to suppose that his Satanic Majesty got possession of the
conjuror s soul however, as per agreement. There is
a story about Agrippa, which shows conclusively how
u a little learning" may be "a dangerous thing."
When Agrippa was absent on a short journey, his stu
dent iu magic slipped into the study and began to read
spells out of a great book. After a little there was a
knock at the door, but the young man paid no attention
to it. In another moment there was another louder one,
which startled him, but still he read on. In a moment
the door opened, and in came a fine large devil who an
grily asked, " What do you call me for ? The fright
ened youth answered very much like those naughty
boys who say u I didn t do nothing ! " But it will not
do to fool with devils. The angry demon caught
him by the throat and strangled him. Shortly, when
304 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Agrippa returned, lo and behold, a strong squad of
evil spirits were kicking up their heels and playing tag
all over the house, and crowding his study particularly
full. Like a school master among mischievous boys, the
great enchanter sent all the little fellows home, cate
chised the big one, and finding the situation unpleasant,
made him reanimate the corpse of the student and walk
it about town all the afternoon. The malignant demon
however, was free at sunset, and let the corpse drop
dead in the middle of the market place. The people
recognized it, found the claw-marks and traces of stran
gling, suspected the fact, and Agrippa had to abscond
very suddenly.
Another student of Agrippa s came very near an
equally bad end. The magician was in the habit of
enchanting a broomstick into a servant to do his house
work, and when it \vas done, turning it back to
a broomstick again and putting it behind the door.
This young student had overheard the charm which
made the servant, and one day in his master s absence,
wanting a pail of water he said over the incantation
and told the servant " Bring some water." The evil
spirit promptly obeyed ; flew to the river, brought a
pail ml and emptied it, instantly brought a second,
instantly a third; and the student, startled, cried out,
" that s enough ! " But this was not the " return charm,"
and the ill tempered demon, rejoicing in doing mischief
within the letter of his obligation, now flew backward
and forward like lightning, so that he even began to
flood the room about the rash student s feet. Desper
ate, he seized an axe and hewed this diabolical serving-
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 305
man in two. Two serving-men jumped up, with two
water-pails, grinning in devilish glee, and both went
to work harder than ever. The poor student gave him
self op for lost, when luckily the master came home,
dismissed the over-officious water carrier with a word,
and saved the student s life.
How thoroughly false all these absurd fictions are,
and yet how ingeniously based on some fact, appears
by the case of Agrippa s black dog. Wierus, a writer
of good authority, and a personal friend of Agrippa s,
reports that he knew very well all about the dog; that
it was not a superhuman dog at all, but (if the term be
amissable) a mere human dog an animal whioh he,
Wierus, had often led about by a string, and only a
domestic pet of Agrippa.
Another eminent magician of those days was Doctor
Faustus, about whom Goethe wrote " Faust," Bailey
wrote " Festus," and whose story, mingled of human
love and of the devilish tricks of Mephistopheles, is
known so very widely. The truth about Faust seems
to be, that he was simply a successful juggler of the
sixteenth century. Yet the wonderful stories about
him were very implicitly and extensively believed. It
was the time of the Protestant Reformation, and even
Melanchthon and Luther seem to have entirely believed
that Faustus could make the forms of the dead appear,
could carry people invisibly through the air, and play all
the legendary tricks of the enchanters. So strong a hold
does humbug often obtain even upon the noblest and
clearest and wisest minds !
Faustus, according to the traditions, had a pretty
306 , HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
keen eye for a joke. He once sold a splendid horse to
a horse-jockey at a fair. The fellow shortly rode his
*J J
fine horse to water. When he got into the water, lo and
behold, the horse vanished, and the humbugged jockey
found himself sitting up to his neck in the river on a
straw saddle. There is something quite satisfactory in
the idea of playing such a trick on one of that sharp
generation, and Faust felt so comfortable over it that he
entered his hotel and went quietly to sleep or pre
tended to. Shortly in came the angry jockey ; he
shouted and bawled, but could not awaken the doctor,
and in his anger he seized his foot and gave it a good
pull. Foot and leg came off in his hand. Faustus
screamed out as if in horrible agony, and the terrified
jockey ran away as fast as he could, and never trou
bled his very loose-jointed customer for the money.
A magician named Ziito, resident at the court of
Wenceslaus of Bohemia (A. D. 1368 to 1419,) ap
pears to great advantage in the annals of these hum
bugs. He was a homely, crooked creature, with an im
mense mouth. He had a collision once in public on a
question of skill with a brother conjuror, and becoming
a little excited, opened his big mouth and swallowed
the other magician, all to his shoes, which as lie ob
served were dirty. Then he stepped into a closet, got
his rival out of him somehow, and calmly led him back
to the company. A story is told about Ziito and some
hogs, just like that about Faust and the horse.
In all these stories about magicians, their power is
derived from the devil. It was long believed that the
ancient university of Salamanca in Spain, founded
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 307
A. D. 1240, was the chief school of magic, and had
regular professors and classes in it. The devil was sup
posed to be the special patron of this department, and
he had a curious fee for his trouble, which he collected
every commencement day. The last exercise of the grad
uating class on that day was, to run across a certain
cavern under the University. The devil was always
on hand at this time, and had the privilege of grab
bing at the last man of the crowd. If he caught him,
as he commonly did, the soul of the unhappy student
became the property of his captor. Hence arose the
phrase " Devil take the hindmost." Sometime it hap
pened that some very brisk fellow r was left last by some
accident. If he were brisk enough to dodge the devil s
grab, that personage only caught his shadow. In this
case it was well understood that this particular enchant
er never had any shadow afterwards, and he always be
came very eminent in his art.
CHAPTER. XXX.
WITCHCRAFT. NEW YORK WITCHES. THE WITCH
MANIA. HOW FAST THEY BURNED THEM. THE MODE
OF TRIAL. WITCHES TO DAY IN EUROPE.
Witchcraft is one of the most baseless, absurd, dis
gusting and silly of all the humbugs. And it is not a
dead humbug either ; it is alive, busily exercised by
knaves and believed by fools all over the world.
Witches and wizards operate and prosper among the
308 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Hottentots and negroes and barbarous Indians, among
the Siberians and Kirgishes and Lapps, of course.
Everybody knows that they are poor ignorant crea
tures ! Yes : but are the French and Germans and Eng
lish and Americans poor ignorant creatures too ? They
are, if the belief and practice of witchcraft among them
is any test ; for in all those countries there are witches.
I take up one of the New York City dailies of this
very morning, and find in it the advertisements of seven
Witches. In 1858, there were in full blast in New
York and Brooklyn sixteen witches and two wizards.
One of these wizards was a black man ; a very proper
style of person to deal with the black art.
Witch means, a woman who practices sorcery under
an agreement with the devil, who helps her. Before
the Christian era, the Jewish witch was a mere diviner
or at most a raiser of the dead, and the Gentile witch
was a poisoner, a maker of philtres or love potions,
and a vulgar sort of magician. The devil part of the
business did not begin until a good while after Christ.
During the last century or so, again, while witchcraft
has been extensively believed in, the witch has degen
erated into a very vulgar and poverty stricken sort of
conjuring woman. Take our New York city witches,
for instance. They live in "cheap and dirty streets that
smell bad ; their houses are in the same style, infected
with a strong odor of cabbage, onions, washing-day,
old dinners, and other merely sublunary smells. Their
room s are very ill furnished, and often beset with wash-
tubs, swill-pails, mops and soiled clothes ; their personal
appearance is commonly unclean, homely, vulgar,
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 309
coarse, and ignorant, and often rummy. Their fee is a
quarter or half of a dollar. Sometimes a dollar. Their
divination is worked by cutting and dealing cards or
studying the palm of your hand. And the things which
they tell you are the most silly and shallow babble in
the world ; a mess of phrasps worn out over and over
again. Here is a specimen, as gabbled to the customer
over a pack of cards laid out on the table; anybody
can do the like : " You face a misfortune. I think it
will come upon you within three w r eeks, but it may not.
A dark complexioned man faces your life-card. He is
plotting against you, and you must beware of him.
Your marriage-card faces two young women, one fair
and the other dark. One you will have, and the other
you will not. I think you will have the fair one. She
favors the dark complexioned man, which means trouble.
You face money, but you must earn it. There is a
good deal, but you may not get much of it " etc., etc.
These words are exactly the sort of stuff that is sold by
the witches of to-day. But the greatest witch humbug
of all the witchcraft of history, is that of Christendom
for about three hundred years, beo-innino- about the time
/ <"" 5 O
of the discovery of America. To that period belonged
the Salem witchcraft of New England, the witch-
"finding of Matthew Hopkins in Old England, the
Scotch witch trials, and the Swedish and German and
French witch mania.
The peculiar traits of the witchcraft of this period
are among the most mysterious of all humbugs. The
most usual points in a case of witchcraft were, that the
witch had sold herself to the devil for all eternity, in
310 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
order to get the power during a few years of earthly
life, to inflict a few pains on the persons of those she
disliked, or to cause them to lose part of their property.
This was almost always the whole story, except the
mere details of the witch baptism and witch sabbath,
parodies on the ceremonies, of the Christian religion.
And the mystery is, how anybody could believe that to
accomplish such very small results, seldom equal even
to the death of an enemy, one would agree to accept
eternal damnation in the next world, almost certain
poverty, misery, persecution and "torment in this, be
sides having for an amusement performances more dirty,
obscene and vulgar than I can even hint at.
But such a belief was universal, and hundreds of the
witches themselves confessed as much as I have de
scribed, and more, with numerous details, and they were
burnt alive for their trouble. The extent of wholesale
murdering perpetrated under forms of law, on charges
of witchcraft, is astonishing. A magistrate named
Remigius, published a book in which he told how much
he thought of himself for having condemned and burned
nine hundred witches in sixteen years, in Lorraine.
And the one thing that he blamed himself for was this :
that out of regard for the wishes of a colleague, he
had only caused certain children to be whipped naked
three times round the market place where their parents
had been burned, instead of burning them. At Bam-
berg, six hundred persons were burned in five years,
at Wurzburg nine hundred in two years. Sprenger,
a German inquisitor-general, and author of a celebrat
ed book on detecting and punishing witchcraft, called
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 311
Malleus Maleficarum, or " The Mallet of Malefactors,"
burned more than five hundred in one year. In Gene
va, five hundred persons were burned during 1515 and
1516. In the district of Como in Italy, a thousand
persons were burned as witches in the single year 1524,
besides over a hundred a year for several years after
wards. Seventeen thousand persons were executed for
witchcraft in Scotland during thirty-nine years, ending
with 1603. Forty thousand were executed in England
from lb 00 to 1680. Bodinus, another of the witch kill-
in or iudffes, oravelv announced that there were undoubt-
^ J C> . c5
edly not less than three hundred thousand witches in
France.
The way in 1 which the witch murderers reasoned, and
their modes of conducting trials and procuring confess
ions, were truly infernal. The chief rule was that
witchcraft being an " exceptional crime," no regard
need be had to the ordinary forms of justice. All
manner of tortures were freely applied to force confess
ions. In Scotland " the boot " was used, being an iron
case in which the legs are locked up to the knees, and
an iron wedge then driven in until sometimes the bones
were crushed and the marrow spouted out. Pin stick
ing, drowning, starving, the rack, were too common
to need details. Sometimes the prisoner was hung up
by the thumbs, and whipped by one person, while
another held lighted candles to the feet and other parts
of the body. At Arras, while the prisoners were being
torn on the rack, the executioner stood by, sword in
hand, promising to cut off at once the heads of those
who did not confess. At Offenburg, when the prison-
312 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
ers had been tortured until beyond the power of speak
ing aloud, they silently assented to abominable confess
ions read to them out of a book. Many were cheated
into confession by the promise of pardon and release
and then burned. A poor woman in Germany was
tricked by the hangman, who dressed himself up. as a
devil and went into her cell. Overpowered by pain,
fear and superstition, she begged him to help her out ;
her beseeching was taken for confession, she was Tburned,
and a ballad which treated the trick as a jolly and com
ical device, was long popular in the country. Several
of the judges in witch cases tell us how victims, utterly
weary of their tormented lives, confessed whatever was
required, merely as the shortest way to death, and an
escape out of their misery. All who dared to argue
against the current of popular and judicial delusion
were instantly refuted very effectively by being attack
ed for witchcraft themselves ; and once accused, there
was little hope of escape. The Jesuit Delrio, in a book
published in 1599, states the witch killers side of the
discussion very neatly indeed ; for in one and the same
chapter he defies any opponents to disprove the exist
ence of witchcraft, and then shows that a denial of
witchcraft is the worst of all heresies, and must be pun
ished with death. Quite a number of excellent and
sensible people were actually burnt on just this princi
ple.
I do not undertake to give details of any witch
trials ; this sketch of the way in which they operated
is all I can make room for, and sufficiently delineates
this cruel and bloody humbug.
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 313
I have already referred to the fact that we have right
here among us in this city a very fair supply of a vul
gar, dowdy kind of witchcraft. Other countries are
favored in like manner. I have not just now the most
recent information, but in the year 1857 and 1858, for
instance, mobbing and prosecutions growing out of a
popular belief in witchcraft were quite plentiful enough
in various parts of Europe. No less than eight cases
of the kind in England alone were reported during
those two years. Among them was the actual murder
of a woman as a witch by a mob in Shropshire ; and an
attack by another mob in Essex, upon a perfectly inof
fensive person, on suspicion of having " bewitched " a
scolding ill-conditioned girl, from which attack the mob
was diverted with much difficulty, and thinking itself
very unjustly treated. Some others of those cases show
a singular quantity of credulity among people of re
spectability.
While therefore some of us may perhaps be justly
thankful for safety from such horrible follies as these,
still we can not properly feel very proud of the pro
gress of humanity, since after not less than six thou
sand years of existence and eighteen hundred of reve
lation, so many believers in witchcraft still exist among
the most civilized nations.
14
314 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
CHAPTER XXX VIII.
CHARMS AND INCANTATIONS. HOW CATO CURED
SPRAINS. THE SECRET NAME OF GOD. SECRET
NAMES OF CITIES. ABRACADABRA. CURES FOR
CRAMP. MR. WRIGHT S SIGIL. WHISKERIFUSTICUS.
WITCHES HORSES. THEIR CURSES. HOW TO RAISE
THE DEVIL.
It is worth while to print in plain English for my
readers a good selection of the very words which have
been believed, or are still believed, to possess magic
power. Then any who choose, may operate by them
selves or may put some bold friend up in a corner, and
blaze away at him or her until they are wholly satisfied
about the power of magic.
The Roman Cato, so famous for his grumness and vir
tue, believed that if he were ill, it would much help him,
and that it would cure sprains in others, to say over
these words : " Daries, dardaries, astaris, ista, pista, sis-
ta," or, as another account has it, " inotas, daries,
dardaries, astaries ; " or, as still another account says,
" Huat, huat, huat ; ista, pista, sista ; domiabo, dam-
naustra." And sure enough, nothing is truer, as any
physician will tell you, that if the old censor only be
lieved hard enough, it would almost certainly help him ;
not by the force of the words, but by the force of his
own ancient Roman imagination. Here are some
Greek words of no less virtue : " Aski, Kataski, Te-
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 315
trax" When the Greek priests let out of their doors
those who had been completely initiated in the Eleusi-
nian mysteries, they said to them last of all the awful
and powerful words, " Konx, ompax" If you want to
know what the usual result was, just say them to some
body, and you will see, instantly. The ancient Hebrews
believed that there was a secret name of God, usually
thought to be inexpressible, and only to be represent
ed by a mystic figure kept in the Temple, and that if
any one could learn it, and repeat it, he could rule
the intelligent and unintelligent creation at his will. It
is supposed by some, that Jehovah is the word which
stands for this secret name ; and some Hebraists think
that the word " Yah veh " is much more nearly the
right one. The Mohammedans, who have received many
notions from the Jews, believe the same story about the
secret name of God, and they think it was engraved on
Solomon s signet, as all readers of the Arabian Nights
will very well remember. The Jews believed that if
you pronounced the word " Satan " any evil spirit that
happened to be by could in consequence instantly pop
into you if he wished, and possess you, as the devils in
the New Testament possessed people.
Some ancient cities had a secret name, and it was be
lieved that if their enemies could find this out, they
could conjure with it so as to destroy such cities. Thus,
the secret name of Rome was Yalentia, and the word
was very carefully kept, with the intention that none
should know it except one or two of the chief pontiffs.
Mr. Borrow, in one of his books, tells about a charm
which a gipsy woman knew, and which she used to re-
316 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
peat to herself as a means of obtaining supernatural aid
when she happened to want it. This was, " Saboca
enrecar maria ereria." He induced her after much
effort to repeat the words to him, but she always wished
she had not, with an evident conviction that some harm
would result. He explained to her that they consisted
of a very simple phrase, but it made no difference.
An ancient physician named Serenus Sammonicus,
used to be quite sure of curing fevers, by means of
what he called Abracadabra, which was a sort of inscrip
tion to be written on something and worn on the pa
tient s person. It was as follows :
ABRACADABRA
BRACADABR
R A C AD AB
A C AD A
CAD
A.
Another gentleman of the same school used to cure
sore eyes by hanging round the patient s neck an in
scription made up of only two letters, A and Z ; but
how he mixed them we unfortunately do not know.
By the way, many of the German peasantry in the
more ignorant districts still believe that to write Abra-
o
cadabra on a slip of paper and keep it with you, will
protect you from wounds, and that if your house is on
fire, to throw this strip into it will put the fire out.
Many charms or incantations call on God, Christ or
some saints, just as the heathen ones call on a spirit.
Here is one for epilepsy that seems to appeal to both
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 317
religions, as if with a queer proviso against any possi
ble mistake about either. Taking the epileptic by the
hand, you whisper in his ear u I adjure thee-by the sun
and the moon and the gospel of to-day, that thou arise
and no more fall to the ground ; in the name of the
Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
A charm for the cramp found in vogue in some rustic
regions is this :
" The devil is tying a knot in my leg,
Mark, Luke and John, unloose it, I beg,
Crosses three we make to ease us
Two for the thieves, and one for Christ Jesus."
Here is another, often used in Ireland, which in the
same spirit of superstition and ignorant irreverence
uses the name of the Savior for a slight human occa
sion. It is to cure the toothache, and requires the re
peating of the following string of words :
" St. Peter sitting on a marble stone, our Savior
passing by, asked him what was the matter. Oh Lord,
a toothache ! Stand up, Peter, and follow me ;
and whoever keeps these words in memory of me, shall
never be troubled with a toothache, Amen."
The English astrologer Lilly, after the death of his
wife, formerly a Mrs. Wright, found in a scarlet bag
which she wore under her arm a pure gold " sigil " or
round plate worth about ten dollars in gold, which the
former husband of the defunct had used to exorcise a
spirit that plagued him. In case any of my readers can
afford bullion enough, and would like to drive away
any such visitor, letthem get such a plate and have en
graved round the edge of one side, " Vicit Leo de tri-
318 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
bus Judae tetragrammaton -]-." Inside this engrave
a " holy lamb." Round the edge of the other side en
grave " Arinaphel " and three crosses, thus : -[ \~ -J- ;
and in the middle, " Sanctus Petrus Alpha et Omega."
The witches have always had incantations, which
they have used to make a broom-stick into a horse, to
kill or to sicken animals and persons, etc. Most
of these are sufficiently stupid, and not half so wonder
ful as one I know, which may be found in a certain
mysterious volume called " The Girl s Own Book,"
and which, as I can depose, has often power to tickle
children. It is this :
" Bandy-legged Borachio Mustachio Whiskerifusticus,
the bald and brave Bombardino of Bagdad, helped
Abomilique Bluebeard Bashaw of Babel mandel beat
down an abominable bumblebee at Balsora."
But to the other witches. Their charms were repeated
sometimes in their own language and sometimes in gib
berish. When the Scotch witches wanted to fly away to
their " Witches Sabbath," they straddled a broom-handle,
a corn stalk, a straw, or a rush, and cried out " Horse and
hattock, in the Devil s name ! " and immediately away
they flew, " forty times as high as the moon," if they
wished. Some English witches in Somersetshire used
instead to say, " Thout, tout, throughout and about ;"
and when they wished to return from their meeting they
said " Rentum, tormentum ! " If this form of the charm
does not manufacture a horse, not even a saw-horse,
then I recommend another version of it, thus :
* Horse and pattock, horse and go !
Horse and pellats, ho, ho, ho !
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 319
German witches said (in Higli Dutch :)
" Up and away !
Hi ! Up aloft, and nowhere stay ! "
Scotch witches had modes of working destruction to
the persons or property of those to whom they meant
evil, which were strikingly like the negro obeah or
mandinga. One of these was, to make a hash of the
flesh of an unbaptised child, with that of dogs and sheep,
and to put this goodly dish in the house of the victim,
reciting the following rhyme :
" We put this untill this hame
In our Lord the Devil s name ;
The first hands that handle thee,
Burned and scalded may they be !
We will destroy houses and hald,
With the sheep and nolt (i. e. cattle) into the fauld;
And little shall come to the fore (i. e. remain,)
Of all the rest of the little store."
Another, used to destroy the sons of a certain gentle
man named Gordon was, to make images for the boys,
of clay and paste, and put them in a fire, saying :
* We put this water among this meal
For long pining and ill heal,
We put it into the fire
To burn them up stook and stour (i. e. stack and band.)
That they be burned with our will,
Like any stikkle (stubble) in a kiln."
In case any lady reader finds herself changed into a
hare, let her remember how the witch Isobel Gowdie
changed herself from hare back to woman. It was by
repeating :
" Hare, hare, God send thee care !
I am in a hare s likeness now ;
But I shall be woman even now
Hare, hare, God send thee care ! "
320 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
About the year 1600 there was both hanged and
burned at Amsterdam a poor demented Dutch girl, who
alleged that she could make cattle sterile, and bewitch
pigs and poultry by saying to them i; Turius und Shur-
ius Inturius." I recommend to say this first to an old
hen, and if found useful it might then be tried on a pig.
Not far from the same time a woman was executed
as a witch at Bamberg, having, as was often, the case,
been forced by torture to make a confession. She said
that the devil had given her power to send diseases
upon those she hated, by saying complimentary things
about them, as "What a strong man ! " " what a beau
tiful woman ! " " what a sweet child ! " It is my own
impression that this species of cursing may safely be
tried where it does not include a falsehood.
Here are two charms which the German witches
used to repeat to raise the devil with in the form of a
he goat :
"Lalle, Bachea, Magotte, Baphia, Dajam,
Vagoth Heneche Ammi Nagaz, Adomator
Raphael Immanuel Christus, Tetragrammaton
Agra Jod Loi. Konig ! Kouig ! "
The two last words to be screamed out quickly.
This second one, it must be remembered, is to be read
backward except the two last words. It was supposed
to be the strongest of all, and was used if the first one
failed ;
" Anion, Lalle, Sabolos. Sado, Poter, Aziel,
Adonai Sado Vagoth Agra, Jod,
liaphra ! Komm ! Koinm ! "
In case the devil staid too long, he could be made to
take himself off by addressing to him the following
statement, repeated backward :
GHOSTS AND WITCHCRAFTS. 321
" Zellitmelle Heotti Bonus Vagotha
Plisos sother osech unions Beelzebub
Dax ! Komm ! Komm ! "
"Which would evidently make almost anybody go
away.
A German charm to improve one s finances was per
haps no worse than gambling in gold. It ran thus :
" As God be welcomed, gentle moon
Make thou my money more and soon ! "
To get rid of a fever in the German manner, go and
tie up a bough of a tree, saying, " Twig, I bind thee ;
fever, now leave me ! " To give your ague to a willow
tree, tie three knots in a branch of it early in the
morning, and say, " Good morning, old one ! I give
thee the cold ; good morning, old one ! " and turn and
run away as fast as you can without lookino- back.
/ * O
Enough of this nonsense. It is pure mummery.
Yet it is worth while to know exactly what the means
were which in ancient times were relied on for such
purposes, and it is not useless to put this matter on
record ; for just such formulas are believed in now by
many people. Even in this city there are " witches "
who humbug the more foolish part of the community
out of their money by means just as foolish as these.
14*
VIII. ADVENTURERS.
CHAPTER XXXIX.
THE PRINCESS CARIBOO ; OR, THE QUEEN. OF THE ISLES.
Bristol was, in 1812, the second commercial city of
Great Britain, having in particular an extensive East
India trade. Among its inhabitants were merchants,
reckoned remarkably shrewd, and many of them very
wealthy ; and quite a number of aristocratic families,
who were looked up to with the abject toad-eating kind
of civility that follows " the nobility." On the whole,
Bristol was a very fashionable, rich, cultivated, and in
telligent place considering.
One fine evening in the winter of 1812-13, the
White Lion hotel, a leading inn at Bristol, was thrown in
to a wonderful flutter by the announcement that a very
beautiful and fabulously wealthy lady, the Princess Car
iboo, had just arrived by ship from an oriental port. Her
agent, a swarthy and wizzened little Asiatic, who spoke
imperfect English, gave this information, and ordered
the most sumptuous suite of rooms in the house. Of
course, there was great activity in all manner of prepar
ations ; and the mysterious character of this lovely but
high-born stranger caused a wonderful flutter of excite
ment, which grew and grew until the fair stranger at
length deigned to arrive. She carne at about ten
ADVENTURERS. 828
o clock, in great state, and with two or three coaches
packed with servants and luggage the former of sin
gularly dingy complexion and fantastic vestments, and the
latter of the most curious forms and material imaginable.
O
The eager anticipations of hosts and guests alike were
not only fully justified but even exceeded by the rare
beauty of the unknown, the oriental style and magnifi
cence of her attire and that of her attendants, and the
enormous bulk of her baggage a circumstance that
has no less weight at an English inn than any where
else. The stranger, too, was most liberal with her fees
to the servants, which were always in gold.
It was quickly discovered that her ladyship spoke not
one word of English, and even her agent a dark, wild,
queer little fellow, got along with it but indifferently,
preferring all his requests in very " broken China " in
deed. The landlord thought it a splendid opportunity
to create a long bill, and got up rooms and a dinner
in flaring style, with wax candles, a mob of waiters,
ringing of bells, and immense ceremony. But the lady,
like a real princess, while well enough pleased and very
gracious, took all this as a matter of course, and prefer
red her own cook, a flat-faced, pug-nosed, yellow-
breeched and almond-eyed Oriental, with a pigtail
dangling from his scalp, which was shaved clean, ex
cepting at the back of the head. This gentleman ran
about in the kitchen-yard with queer little brass uten
sils, wherein he concocted sundry diabolical preparations
as they seemed to the English servants to be, of
herbs, rice, curry powder, etc., etc., for the repast of his
mistress. For the next three or four days, the White Lion
324 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
was in a state bordering upon frenz} T , at the singular
deportment of the " Princess " and her numerous at
tendants. The former arrayed herself in the most
astonishing combinations of apparel that had ever been
seen by the good gossips of Bristol, and the latter in
dulged in gymnastic antics and vocal chantings that
almost deafened the neighborhood. There was a pecu
liar nasal balla4 in which they were fond of indulging,
that commenced about midnight and kept up until well
nigh morning, that drove the neighbors almost beside
themselves. It sounded like a concert by a committee
of infuriated cats, and wound up with protracted whin
ing notes, commencing in a whimper, and then with a
sudden jerk, bursting into a loud, monotonous howl.
Yet, withal, these attendants, who slept on mats, in the
rooms adjacent to that of their mistress, and fed upon
the preparations of her own cuisine, were, in the main,
very civil and inoffensive, and seemed to look upon the
Princess with the utmost awe. . The " agent," or
" secretary," or " prime-minister, or whatever he
might be called, was very mysterious as to the objects,
purposes, history, and antecedents of her Highness, and
the quidnuncs were in despair until, one morning, the
" Bristol Mirror," then a leading paper, came out with a
flaring announcement, expressing the pleasure it felt in
acquainting the public with the fact, that a very emi
nent and interesting foreign personage had arrived from
her home in the remotest East to proffer His Majesty,
George III, the unobstructed commerce and friendship
of her realm, which was as remarkable for its untold
wealth as for its marvelous beauty. The lady was de-
ADVENTURERS. 325
scribed as a befitting representative of the loveliness
and opulence of this new Golconda and Ophir in one,
since her matchless wealth and munificence were ap
proached only by her ravishing personal charms. The
other papers took up the topic, and were even more ex
travagant. " Felix Farley s Journal" gave a long nar
rative of her wanderings and extraordinary adventures
in the uttermost East, as gleaned, of course, from her
garrulous agent. The island of her chief residence
was described as being of vast extent and fertility,
immensely rich and populous, and possessing many rare
and beautiful arts unknown to the nations of Europe.
The princess had become desperately enamored of a
certain young Englishman of high rank, who had been
shipwrecked on her coast, but had afterward escaped,
and as she learned, safely reached a port in China, and
thence departed for Europe. The Princess had here
upon set out upon her journeyings over the world in
search of him. In order to facilitate her enterprise,
and softened by the deep affection she felt for the son
of Albion, she had determined to break through the
usages of her country, and form an alliance with that of
her beloved.
Such were the statements everywhere put in circula
tion ; and when the Longbows of the place got full hold
of it, Gulliver, Peter Wilkins, and Sinbad the Sailor
were completely eclipsed. Diamonds as big as hen s
eggs, and pearls the size of hazelnuts, were said to be
the commonest buttons and ornaments the Princess
wore, and her silks and shawls were set beyond all
price.
326
HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
The announcement of this romantic and mysterious
history, this boundless wealth, this interesting mission
from majesty to majesty in person and the reality which
every one could see of so much grace and beauty, sup
plied all that was wanting to set the upper-tendom of
the place in a blaze. It was hardly etiquette for a roy
al visitor to receive much company before having been
presented at Court; but as this princely lady came from
a point so far outside of the pale of Christendom, and all
its formalities, it was deemed not out of place, to show
her befitting attentions ; and the ice once broken, there
was no arresting the flood. The aristocracy of Bristol
vied with each other in seeing who should be first and
most extravagant in their demonstrations. The street
in front of the " White Lion " was day after day blocked
up, with elegant equipages, and her reception-rooms
thronged with " fair women and brave men." Milliners
and mantuarnakers pressed upon the lovely and myste
rious Princess Cariboo the most exquisite hats, dresses,
and laces, just to acquaint her with the fashionable
style and solicit her distinguished patronage ; dry-goods-
men sent her rare patterns of their costliest and richest
stuffs, perfumers their most exquisite toilet-cases, filled
with odors sweet ; jewellers, their most superb sets of
gems ; and florists and visitors nearly suffocated her
with the scarcest and most delicate exotics. Pictures,
sketches, and engravings, oil-paintings, and portraits on
ivory of her rapturous admirers, poured in from all
sides, and her. own fine form and features were repro
duced by a score of artists. Daily she was feted, and
nightly serenaded, until the Princess Cariboo became the
ADVENTURERS. 327
furore of the United Kingdom. Magnificent enter
tainments were given her in private mansions ; and at
length, to cap the climax, Mr Worrall, the Recorder of
Bristol, managed, by his influence, to bring about for
her a grand municipal reception in the town-hall, and
people from far and near thronged to it in thousands.
In the meantime the papers were gravely trying to
make out whether the Cariboo country meant some re
mote portion of Japan, or the Island of Borneo, or
some comparatively unfamiliar archipelago in the re
motest East, and the " Mirror " was publishing type ex
pressly cut for the purpose of representing the charac
ters of the language in which the Princess spoke and
wrote. They were certainly very uncouth, and pre
tended sages, who knew very well that there was no
one to contradict them, declared that they were " an
cient Coptic ! "
Upon reading the sequel of the story, one is irresisti
bly reminded of the ancient Roman inscription discovered
by one of Dickens characters, which some irreverent
rogue subsequently declared to be nothing more nor less
than " Bil Stumps His Mark."
All this went on for about a fortnight, until the whole
town and a good deal of the surrounding country had
made complete fools of themselves, and only the
" naughty little boys " in the streets held out against
the prevailing mania, probably because they were not
admitted to the sport. Their salutations took the form
of an inharmonious thoroughfare-ballad, the chorus of
which terminated with :
328 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
" Boo ! hoo ! hoo !
And who s the Princess Cariboo? "
yelled out at the top of their voices.
At length one day, the luggage of her Highness was
embarked upon a small vessel to be taken round by
water to London, while she announced, through her
" agent," her intention to reach the capital by post-
coaching.
Of course, the most superb traveling-carriages and
teams were placed at her disposal ; but, courteously de
clining all these offers, she set out in the night-time
with a hired establishment, attended by her retinue.
Days and weeks rolled on, and yet no announcement
came of the arrival of her Highness at London or at
any of the intervening cities after the first two or three
towns eastward of Bristol. Inquiry began to be made,
and, after long and patient but unavailing search, it be
came apparent to divers and sundry dignitaries in the
old town that somebody had been very particularly
" sold."
The landlord at the " White Lion " who had accepted
the agent s order for < 1,000 on a Calcutta firm in
London ; poor Mr. Worrall, who had been Master of
Ceremonies at the town hall affair, and had spent large
sums of money ; and the tradespeople and others who
sent their finest goods, all felt that they had " heard
something drop." The Princess Cariboo had disap
peared as mysteriously as she came.
For years, the people of Bristol were unmercifully
ridiculed throughout the entire Kingdom on account of
this affair, and burlesque songs and plays immortalized
its incidents for successive seasons.
ADVENTURERS. 329
One of these insisted that the Princess was no other
than an actress of more notoriety than note, humbly
born in the immediate vicinity of the old city, where
she practiced this gigantic hoax, and that she had been
assisted in it by a set of dissolute young noblemen and
actors, who furnished the money she had spent, got up
the oriental dresses, published the fibs, and fomented
the excitement. At all events, the net profit to her
and her confederates in the affair must have been some
10,000.
Within a few months, and since the first publica
tion of the above paragraphs, the English newspapers
have recorded the death of the " Princess Cariboo,"
who it appears afterward married in her own rank in
life and spent a considerable number of years of use
fulness in the leech trade an occupation not without
a metaphorical likeness to her early and more ambi
tious exploit.
CHAPTER XL.
COUNT CAGLIOSTRO, ALIAS JOSEPH BALSAMO, KNOWN AL
SO AS " CURSED JOE."
One of the most striking, amusing, and instructive
pan;es in the history of humbug is the life of Count Al-
essandro di Cagliostro, whose real name was Joseph or
Giuseppe Balsamo. He was born at Palermo, in 1743,
and very early began to manifest his brilliant talents
for roguery.
330 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
He ran away from his first boarding-school, at the
age of eleven or twelve, getting up a masquerade of
goblins, by the aid of some scampish schoolfellows,
which frightened the monkish watchmen of the gates
away from their posts, nearly dead with terror. He
had gained little at this school, except the pleasant sur
name of Beppo Maldetto (or cursed Joe.) At the age
of thirteen he was a second time expelled from the con
vent of O artegirone, belonging to the order of Benfra-
telli, the good fathers having in vain endeavored to train
him up in the way he should go.
While in this convent, the boy was in charge of the
apothecary, and probably picked up more or less of the
smattering of chemistry and physics which he after
wards used. His final offence was a ridiculous and
.characteristic one. He was a greedy and thievish fellow,
and was by way of penalty set to read aloud about the
ancient martyrs, those dry though pious old gentlemen,
while the monks ate dinner. Thus put to what he liked
least, and deprived of what he liked best, he impudently
extemporized, instead of the stories of holy agonies, all
the indecorous scandal he could think of about the more
notorious disreputable women of Palermo, putting their
names instead of those of the martyrs.
After this, Master Joe proceeded to distinguish him
self by forging opera-tickets, and even documents of
various kinds, indiscriminate pilfering and swindling,
interpreting visions, conjuring, and finally, it is declared,
a touch of genuine assassination.
Pretty soon he made a foolish, greedy goldsmith, one
Marano, believe that there was a treasure hidden in the
ADVENTURERS. 331
sand on the sea-shore near Palermo, and induced the
silly man to go one night to dig it up. Having reached
the spot, the dupe was made to strip himself to his shirt
and drawers, a magic circle was drawn round him with all
sorts of raw-head and bloody-bones ceremonies, and
Beppo, exhorting him not to leave the ring, lest the
spirits should kill him, stepped out of sight to make the
incantations to raise them. Almost instantly, six devils,
horned, hoofed, tailed, and clawed, breathing fire and
smoke, leaped from among the rocks and beat the
wretched goldsmith senseless, and almost to death.
They were of course Cursed Joe and some confederates ;
and taking Marano s money and valuables, they left
him. He got home in wretched plight, but had sense
enough left to suspect Master Joe, whom he shortly
promised, after the Sicilian manner, to assassinate. So
Joe ran away from Palermo, and went to Messina.
Here he said he fell in with a venerable humbug, named
Athlotas, an " Armenian Sage," who united his talents
with Beppo s own, in making a peculiar preparation of
flax and hemp and passing it off upon the people of Alex
andria, in Egypt, as a new kind of silk. This feat made
not only a sensation but plenty of money ; and the two
swindlers now traversed Greece, Turkey, and Arabia,
in various directions, stirring up the Oriental " old
fogies " in amazing style. Harems and palaces, accord
ing to Cagliostro s own apocryphal story, were thrown
open to them everywhere, and while the Scherif of Mec-
uca took Balsao under his high protection, one of the
Grand Muftis actually gave him splendid apartments
in his own abode. It is only necessary to reflect upon
332 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
the unbounded reverence felt by all good Mussulmen for
these exalted dignitaries, to comprehend the height of
distinction thus attained by the Palermo thimble-rigger.
But, among the many obscure records that exist in the
Italian, French, and German languages, touching this
arch impostor, there is a hint of a night adventure in the
harem of a high and mighty personage, at Mecca,
whereby the latter was put out of doors, with his robes
torn and his beard singed, by his own domestics, and
left to wander in the streets, while Beppo, in disguise,
received the salaams and sequins of the establishment,
including the attentions of the fair ones therein caged,
for an entire night. His escape to the seacoast after this
adventure was almost miraculous ; but escape he did,
and shortly afterward turned up in Rome, with the ti
tle (conferred by himself) of Count Cagliostro, the rep
utation of enormous wealth, and genuine and enthusi
astic letters of recommendation from Pinto, Grand
Master of the Knights of Malta. Pinto was an alchy-
mist, and had been fooled to the top of his bent by the
cunning Joseph.
These letters introduced our humbug into the first
families of Rome ; who, like some other first families,
were first also as fools. He also married a very beau
tiful, very shrewd, and very wicked Roman donzella,
Lorenza Feliciani by name ; and the worthy couple,
combining their various talents, and regarding the world
as their oyster, at once proceeded to open it in the most
scientific style. I cannot follow this wonderful human
chameleon in all his transformations under his various
names of Fischio, Melissa, Feni.ce, Anna, Pellegrini,
ADVENTURERS. 333
Harat, and Belmonte, nor state the studies and processes
by which he picked up sufficient knowledge of physic,
chemistry, the hidden properties of numbers, astronomy,
astrology, mesmerism, clairvoyance, and the genuine old-
fashioned " black art ;" but suffice it to say, that he
travelled through every part of Europe, and set it in a
blaze with excitement.
There were always enough of silly coxcombs, young
and old, of high degree, to be allured by the siren
smiles of his " Countess ;" and dupes of both sexes eve
rywhere, to swallow his yarns and gape at his juggle
ries. In the course of his rambles, he paid a visit to his
great brother humbug, the Count of St. Germain, in
Westphalia, or Schleswig, and it was not long afterward
that he began to publish to the world his grand discoveries
in Alchemy, of the Philosopher s Stone, and the Elixir of
Life, or Waters of Perpetual Youth. These and many
similar wonders were declared to be the result of his in
vestigations under the Arch of Old Egyptian Masonry,
which degree he claimed to have revived. This notion
of Egyptian Masonry, Cagliostro is said to have found
in some manuscripts left by one George Cofton, which
fell into our quack s hands. This degree was to give
perfection to human beings, by means of moral and
physical regeneration. Of these two the former was to
be secured by means of a Pentagon, which removes orig
inal sin and renews pristine innocence. The physical
kind of regeneration was to be brought about by using
the " prime matter " or philosopher s stone, and the
" Acacia," which two ingredients will give immortal
youth. In this new structure, he assumed the title of
I
334 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
the " Grand Cophta " and actually claimed the worship
of his followers ; declaring that the institution had been
established by Enoch and Elias, and that lie had been
summoned by " spiritual " agencies to restore it to its
pristine glory. In fact, this pretension, which influenc
ed thousands upon thousands -of believers, was one of
the most daring impostures that ever saw the light ;
and it is astounding to think that, so late as 1780, it
should, for a long time, have been entirely successful.
The preparatory course of exercises for admission to
the mystic brotherhood has been described as a series of
" purgation, starvation, and desperation," lasting for
forty days ! and ending in " physical regeneration "
and an immortality on earth. The celebrated Lavater,
a mild and genial, but feeble man, became one of Caglios-
tro s disciples, and was bamboozled to his heart s con
tent in fact, made to believe that the Count could put
the devil into him, or take him out, as the case might be.
The wondrous " Water of Beauty," that made old
wrinkled faces look young, smooth, and blooming again,
was the special merchandise of the Countess, and was,
of course, in great request among the faded beaux and
dowagers of the day, who were easily persuaded of their
own restored loveliness. The transmutation of baser
metals into gold usually terminated in the transmigra-
of all the gold his victims had into the Count s own
purse.
In 1776, the Count and Countess came to London.
Here, funnily enough, they fell into the hands of a
gambler, a shyster, and a female scamp, who together
tormented them almost to death, because the Count
ADVENTURERS. 335
would no*, pick them put lucky numbers to gamble by.
They persecuted him fairly into jail, and plagued and
outswindled him so awfully, that, after a time, the poor
Count sneaked back to the Continent with only fifty
pounds left out of three thousand which he had brought
with him.
One incident of Cagliostro s English experience was
the affair of the " Arsenical Pio-s " a notice of which
"> f
may be found in the " Public Advertiser," of London
of September 3, 1786. A Frenchman named Moran.de,
was at that time editing there a paper in his own lan
guage, entitled " Le Courrier de PEurope," and lost no
opportunity to denounce the Count as a humbug. Cag-
liostro, at length, irritated by these repeated attacks,
published in the " Advertiser " an open challenge, offer
ing to forfeit five thousand guineas if Morande should
not be found dead in his bed on the morning after par
taking of the flesh of a pig, to be selected by himself
from among a drove fattened by the Count the cook
ing, etc., all to be done at Morande s own house, and
under his own eye. The time was fixed for this singu
lar repast, but when it came round, the French Edit
or " backed down " completely, to the great delight of
his opponent and his credulous followers.
Cagliostro and his spouse now resumed their travels
upon the Continent, and, by their usual arts and trades,
in a great measure renewed their fallen fortunes.
c5
Among other new dodges, he now assumed so super
natural a piety that (he said) he could distinguish an
unbeliever by the smell ! which, of course, was just the
opposite of the " odor of sanctity." The Count s
336 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
claim to have lived for hundreds of years was, by some,
thoroughly believed. Pie ascribed his immortality to
his own Elixir, and his comparatively youthful appear
ance to his " Water of Beauty," his Countess readily
assisting him by speaking of her son, a Colonel in the
Dutch service, fifty years old, while she appeared
scarcely more than twenty.
At length, in Rome, he and the Countess fell into
the clutches of the Holy Office ; and both having been
tried for their manifold offences against the Church,
were found guilty, and, in spite of their contrition and
eager confessions, immured for life ; the Count with
in the walls of the Castle of Sante Leone, irr the Duchy
of Urbino, where, after eight years imprisonment, he
died in 1795, and the Countess in a suburban convent,
where she died some time after.
The portraits of Cagliostro, of which a number are
extant, are pictures of a strong-built, bull-necked, fat,
gross man, with a snub nose, a vulgar face, a look of
sensuality and low hypocritical cunning.
The celebrated story of " The Diamond Necklace,"
in which Cagliostro, Marie Antoinette, the Cardinal de
Rohan, and others were mixed in such a hodge-podge
of rascality and folly, must form a narrative by itself.
ADVENTURERS. 337
CHAPTER XLI.
THE DIAMOND NECKLACE.
In my sketch of Joseph Balsamo, alias the Count
Alessandro de Cagliostro, t referred to the affair of the
diamond necklace, known in French history as the
Collier de la Reine, or Queen s necklace, from the man
ner in which the name and reputation of Marie An
toinette, the consort of Louis XVI, became entangled
in it. I shall now give a brief account of this celebrat
ed imposition perhaps the boldest and shrewdest ever
known, and almost wholly the work of a woman.
On the Quai de la Ferraille, not far from the Pont
Neuf, stood the establishment, part shop, part manufac
tory, of Messrs. Boehmer & Bassange, the most cele
brated jewelers of their day. After triumphs which had
given them world-wide fame during the reign of
Louis XV, and made them fabulously rich, they deter
mined, with the advent of Louis XVI, to eclipse all
their former efforts and crown the professional glory of
their lives. Their correspondents in every chief jewel
market of the world were summoned to aid their enter
prise, and in the course of some two or three years they
succeeded in collecting the finest and most remarkable
diamonds that could be procured in the whole world of
commerce.
The next idea was to combine all these superb frag
ments in one grand ornament to grace the form of
15
338
HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
beauty. A necklace was the article fixed upon, and
the best experience and most delicate taste that Europe
could boast were expended on the design. Each and
every diamond was specially set and faced in such
manner as to reveal its excellence to the utmost advan
tage, and all were arranged together in the style best
calculated to harmonize their united effecjt. Forin^
shape, and the minutest shades of color were studied,
and the result, after many attempts and many failures.*
and the anxious labor of many months, was the most
exquisite triumph that the genius of the lapidary and
the goldsmith could conceive.
The \vhole necklace consisted of three triple rows
of diamonds, or nine rows in all, containing eight hun
dred faultless gems. The triple rows fell away from
each in the most graceful and flexible curves over each
side of the breast and each shoulder of the wearer, the
curves starting from the throat, whence a magnificent
pendant, depending from a single knot of diamonds,
each as large as a hazel-nut, hung down half way upon
the bosom in the design of a cross and crown, surround
ed by the lilies of the royal house the lilies them
selves dangling on stems which were strung with small
er jewels. Rich clusters and festoons spread from the
loop over each shoulder, and the central loop on the
back of the neck was joined in a pattern of emblematic
magnificence corresponding with that in front.
It was in 1782 that this grand work was finally com
pleted, and the happy owners gloated with delight over
a monument of skill as matchless in its way as the Pyr
amids themselves. But, alas ! the necklace might as
ADVENTURERS. 339
well have been constructed of the common boulders
piled in those same pyramids as of the finest jewels of
the mine, for all the good it seemed destined to bring
the poor jewelers, beyond the rapture of beholding it
and calling it theirs.
The necklace was worth 1,500,000 francs, equivalent
to more than $300,000 in gold, as money then went, or
nearly $500,000 in gold, now-a-days. Rather too large
a sum to keep locked up in a casket, the reader will
confess ! And then it seems that Messrs. Boehmer &
Bassange had not entirely paid for it yet. They had
ten creditors on the diamonds in different countries, and
an immense capital still locked up in their other jewel
ry-
Of course, then, after their first delight had subsided,
they were most anxious to sell an article that had to be
constantly and painfully watched, and that might so easily
disappear. How many a nimble-fingered and stout
hearted rogue would not, in those days, have imperiled a
dozen lives to clutch that blazing handful of dross, con
vertible into an elysium of pomp and pleasure ! It would
hardly have been a safe noonday plaything in moral
Gothaii:, let alone the dissolute Paris of eighty years
ago!
The first thought, of course, that kindled in the
breasts of Boehmer and Bassange was, that the only
proper resting-place for their matchless bauble was the
snowy neck of the Queen Marie Antionette, then the
admired and beloved of all ! Her peerless beauty alone
could live in the glow of such supernal splendor, and
the French throne was the only one in Christendom
340 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
that could sustain such glittering weight. Moreover,
the Queen had already once been a good customer to
the court jewelers, for in 1774 she bought four dia
monds of them for 175,000.
Louis XV would not have hesitated to fling it on the
shoulders of the Du Barry, and Louis XVI, in spite of
his odd notions upon economy and just administration,
easily listened to the delicate insinuations of his court-
jewelers ; and, one fine morning, laid the necklace in
its casket on the table of his Queen. Her Majesty, for
a moment, yielded to the promptings of feminine weak
ness, and danced and laughed with the glee of an over
joyed child in the new sunshine of those burning, spark
ling, dazzling gems. Once and once only she placed it
on her neck and breast, and probably the world has
never before or since seen such a countenance in such a
setting. It was almost the head of an angel shining in
the glory of the spheres. But a better thought pre
vailed, and quickly removing it, she, with a wave of
her beautiful hand, declined the gift and besought the
King to apply the sum to any other purpose that would
be useful or honorable to France, whose finances were
sadly straitened. " We want ships of war more than we
do necklaces," said she. The King was really delight
ed at this act of the Queen s, and the incident soon be
coming widely known, gave the latter immense popu
larity for at least twenty-four hours after it occurred.
In fact, the amount was really applied to the construction
of a grand line-of-battle ship called the Suffren, after
the great Admiral of that name.
Boehrner, who seems to have been the business man-
ADVENTURERS. 341
ager of the jeweler firm, found his necklace as trouble
some as the cobbler did the elephant he won in a raffle,
and tried so perseveringly to induce the Queen to buy it,
that he became a real torment. She seems to have
thought him a little cracked on the subject ; and one
day, when he obtained a private audience, he besought
her either to buy the necklace or to let him go and
drown himself in the Seine. Out of all patience, the
Queen intimated that he would have been wiser to se
cure a customer to begin with ; that she would not buy ;
that if he chose to throw himself into the Seine it would
be entirely on his own responsibility ; and that as for
the necklace, he had better pick it to pieces and sell it.
The poor German (for Boehmer was a native of Sax
ony) departed in deep distress, but accepted neither his
own sufwestion nor the Queen s.
OO *
For some months after this, the court jewelers
busied themselves in peddling their necklace about
among the courts of Europe. But none of these con
cerns found it convenient just then to pay out three
hundred and sixty thousand dollars for a concatenation
of eight hundred diamonds ; and still the sparkling ele
phant remained on the jewelers hands.
Time passed on. Madame Campan, one of the
Queen s confidential ladies, happened to meet Boehmer
one day, and the necklace was alluded to.
" What is the state of affairs about the necklace,"
asked the lady.
fct> Highly satisfactory," replied Boehmer, whose seren
ity of countenance Madame Campan had already re
marked/ I have sold it to the Sultan at Constantiople,
for his favorite Sultana."
342 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
This the lady thought rather curious, but she was
glad the thing was disposed of, and said no more.
Time passed on again. In the beginning of August
1785, Boehmer took the trouble to call on Madame
Campan at her country-house, somewhat to her surprise.
" Has the Queen given you no message for me? " he
inquired.
" No ! " said the lady ; What message should she
give ? "
" An answer to my note," said the jeweler.
Madame remembered a note which the Queen had
received from Boehmer a little while before, along with
some ornaments sent by his hands to her as a present
from the King. It congratulated her on having the
finest diamonds in Europe, and hoped she would remem
ber him. The Queen could make nothing of it, and
destroyed it. Madame Campan therefore replied,
44 There is no answer, the Queen burned the note.
44 She does not even understand what you meant by
writing that note."
This statement very quickly elicited from the now
startled German a story which astounded the lady. He
said the Queen owed him the first instalment of the
money for the diamond necklace; that she had bought
it after all ; that the story about the Sultana was a lie
told by her directions to hide the fact ; since the Queen
meant to pay by instalments, and did not wish the pur
chase known. And Boehmer said, she had employed the
Cardinal de Rohan to buy the necklace for her, and it
had been delivered to him for her, and by him to her.
Now the Queen, as Madame Campan knew very
ADVENTURERS. 343
well, had always strongly disliked this Cardinal ; he
had even been kept from attending at Court in conse
quence, and she had not so much as spoken to him for
years. And so Madame Carapan told Boehmer, and
further she told him he had been imposed upon.
" No," said the man of sparklers decisively, " It is
you who are deceived. She is decidedly friendly to the
cardinal. I have myself the documents with her own
signature authorizing the transaction, for I have had
to let the bankers see them in order to get a little
time on my own payments."
Here was a monstrous mystification for the lady of
honor, who told Boehmer to instantly go and see his
official superior, the chief of the king s household. She
herself being very soon afterwards summoned to the
Queen s presence, the affair came up, and she told the
Queen all she knew about it. Marie Antoinette was
profoundly distressed by the evident existence of a
great scandal and swindle, with which she was plainly
to be mixed up through the forced signatures to the
O O ?T5
documents which Boehmer had been relying on.
Now for the Cardinal.
Louis de Rohan, a scion of the great house of Ro
han, one of the proudest of France, was descended of
the blood royal of Brittany ; was a handsome, proud,
dissolute, foolish, credulous, unprincipled noble, now
almost fifty years old, a thorough rake, of large reve
nues, but deeply in debt. He was Peer of France, Arch
bishop of Strasburg, Grand Almoner of France, Com
mander of the Order of the Holy Ghost, Commendator
of the benefice of St. Wast d Arras, said to be the most
344
HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
wealthy in Europe, and a Cardinal. He had been am
bassador at Vienna a little after Marie Antoinette was
married to the Dauphin, and while there had taken
advantage of his official station to do a tremendous
quantity of smuggling. He had also further and most
deeply offended the Empress Maria Theresa, by out
rageous debaucheries, by gross irreligion, and above all
by a rather flat but in effect stingingly satirical descrip
tion of her conduct about the partition of Poland.
This she never forgave him, neither did her daughter
Marie Antoinette ; and accordingly, when he presented
himself at Paris soon after she became Queen, he re
ceived a curt repulse, and an intimation that he had
better go to Strasburg.
Now in those days a sentence of exclusion from
Court was to a French noble but just this side of a
banishment to Tophet ; and de Rohan was just silly
enough to feel this infliction most intensely. He went
however, and from that time onward, for year after
year, lived the life of a persevering Adam thrust out of
his paradise, hanging about the gate and trying all pos
sible ways to sneak in again. Once, for instance, he
had induced the porter at the palace of the Trianon to
let him get inside the grounds during an illumination,
and was recognized by the glow of his cardinal s red
stockings from under his cloak. But he was only
laughed at for his pains ; the porter was turned off, and
the poor silly miserable cardinal remained " out in the
cold," breaking his heart over his exclusion from the
most tedious mess of conventionalities that ever was
contrived except those of the court of Spain.
ADVENTURERS. 345
About 1783, this great fool fell in with an equally
great knave, who must be spoken of here, where he be
gins to converge alono- with the rest, towards the explo-
cT* <""> ?T> I
sion of the necklace swindle. This was Cagliostro, who
at that time came to Strasburg and created a tremen
dous excitement with his fascinating Countess, his
Egyptian masonry, his Spagiric Food (a kind of Bran-
dreth s pill of the period,) which he fed out to poor sick
people, his elixir of life, and other humbugs.
The Cardinal sent an intimation that he would like
to see the quack. The quack, whose impudence was
far greater than the Cardinal s pride, sent back this sub
lime reply : " If he is sick let him come to me, and I
will cure him. If he is well, he does not need to see
me, nor I him."
This piece of impudence made the fool of a cardinal
more eager than ever. After some more affected shy
ness, Cagliostro allowed himself to be seen. He was
just the man to captivate the Cardinal, and they were
quickly intimate personal friends, practising transmuta
tion, alchemy, masonry, and still more particularly con
ducting a great many experiments on the Cardinal s
remarkably fine stock of Tokay wine. Whatever poor
de Rohan had to do, he consulted Cagliostro about it,
and when the latter went to Switzerland, his dupe main
tained a constant communication with him in cipher.
Lastly is to be mentioned Jeanne de St. Remi,
Countess de Lamotte de Valois de France, the chief
scoundrel, if the term may be used of a woman of
the necklace affair. She seems to have been really a
descendant of the royal house of Valois, to which
15*
346 HUMBUGS or THE WORLD.
Francis I. belonged ; through an illegitimate son of Hen
ry II. created Count de St. Remi. The family had run
down and become poor and rascally, one of Jeanne s
immediate ancestors having practiced counterfeiting for
a living. She herself had been protected by a certain
kind hearted Countess de Boulainvilliers ; was receiv
ing a small pension from the the Court of about $325
a year; had married a certain tall soldier named
Lamotte : had come to Paris, and was living in poverty
in a garret, hovering about as it were for a chance to
better her circumstances. She was a quick-witted,
bright-eyed, brazen-faced hussy, not beautiful, but with
lively pretty ways, and indeed somewhat fascinating.
Her protectress, the countess de Boulainvilliers, was
now dead ; while she was alive Jeanne had once visited
her at de Rohan s palace of Saverne, and had thus
scraped a slight acquaintance with the gay Cardinal,
which she resumed during her abode at Paris.
Everybody at Paris knew about the Diamond Neck
lace, and about de Rohan s desire to get into court favor.
This sharp-witted female swindler now came in among
the elements I have thus far been describing, to frame
necklace, jeweller, cardinal, queen, and swindler, all to
gether into her plot, just as the key-stone drops into an
arch and locks it up tight.
No mortal knows where ideas come from. Suddenly
a conception is in the mind, whence, or how, we do not
know, any more than we know Life. The devil himself
might have furnished that which now popped into the
cunning, wicked mind of this adventuress. This is
what she saw all at once ;
ADVENTURERS. 347
Boelimer is crazy to sell his necklace. De Rohan is
crazy after the Queen s favor. I am crazy after money.
Now if I can make De Rohan think that the Queen
wants the necklace, and will become his friend in re
turn for his helping her to it ; if I can make him think
I am her agent to him, then I can steal the diamonds
in their transit.
A wonderfully cunning and hardy scheme ! And
most wonderful was the cool, keen promptitude with
which it was executed.
The countess began to hint to the cardinal that she
was fast getting into the Queen s good graces, by virtue
of being a capital gossip and story-teller ; and that she
had frequent private audiences, Soon she added inti
mations that the Queen was far from being really so
displeased with the cardinal, as he supposed. At this
the old fool bit instantly, and showed the keenest emo
tions of hope and delight. On a further suggestion, he
presently drew up a letter or memoir humbly and plain
tively stating his case, which the countess undertook
to put into the Queen s hands. It was the first of over
two liundred notes from him, notes of abasement, be
seeching argument, expostulation, and so on, all entrust
ed to Jeanne. She burnt them, I suppose.
In order to make her dupe sure that she told the
truth about her access to the Queen, Jeanne more
than once made him go and watch her enter a side gate
into the grounds of the Trianon palace, to which she
had somehow obtained a key ; and after waiting he saw
her come out again, sometimes under the escort of a
man, who was, she said one Desclos, a confidential
348 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
valet of the Queen. This was Villette de Re*taux, a
" pal" of Jeanne s and of her husband Lamotte, who had,
by the way, become a low-class gambler and swindler
by occupation.
Next Jeanne talked about the Queen s charities ; and
on one occasion, told how much the amiable Marie An
toinette longed to expend certain sums for benevolent
purposes if she only had them but she was out of
funds, and the King was so close about money !
The poor cardinal bit again " If the Queen would
only allow him the honor to furnish the little amount ! "
The countess evidently had nt thought of that. She
reflected hesitated. The cardinal urged. She con
sented it was not much and was so kind as to
carry the cash herself. At their next meeting she
reported that the Queen was delighted, telling a very
nice story about it. The cardinal would only be
too happy to do so again. And sure enough he did,
and quite a number of times too ; contributing in all to
the funds of the countess in this manner, about
$25,000.
Well : after a time the cardinal is at Strasburg,
when he receives a note from the countess that brings
him back again as quick as post-horses can carry him.
It says that there is something very important, very
sec.ret, very delicate, that the queen wants his help
about. He is overflowing with zeal. What is it ?
Only let him know his life, his purse, his soul, are at
the service of his liege ladv.
O /
His purse is all that is needed. With infinite shy
ness and circumspection, the countess gradually, half
ADVENTURERS. 349
unwillingly, lets him find out that it is the diamond
necklace that the Queen wants. By diabolical ingenui
ties of talk she leads de Rohan to the full conviction
that if he secures the Queen that necklace, he will
thenceforward bask in all the sunshine of court favor
that she can show or control.
And at proper times sundry notes from the Queen
are bestowed upon the enraptured noodle. These are
written in imitation of the Queen s handwriting, by
that Villette de Retaux who personated the Queen s
valet, and who was an expert at counterfeiting.
A last and sublime summit of impudent pretension
is reached by a secret interview which the Queen, says
the countess, desires to grant to her beloved servant the
cardinal. This suggestion was rendered practicable by
one of those mere coincidences which are found though
to
rarely in history, and which are too improbable to put
into a novel the casual discovery of a young woman
of loose character who looked much like the Queen.
Whether her name was d Essigny or Gay d Oliva, is un
certain ; she is usually called by the latter. She was
hired and taught ; and with immense precautions, this os
trich of a cardinal \vas one night introduced into the gar
dens of the Trianon, and shown a little nook among the
thickets where a stately female in the similitude of the
Queen received him with soft spoken words of kindly
greeting, allowed him to kneel and kiss a fair and shape
ly hand, and showed no particular timidity of any kind.
Yet the interview had scarcely more than besjun before
steps were heard. " Some one is coming," exclaimed
the lady, " it is Monsieur and Madame d Artois We
350 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
must part. There " she gave him a red rose " You
know what that means ! Farewell ! " And away
they went Mademoiselle d Oliva to report to her
employers, and the cardinal, in a seventh heaven of
ineffable tomfoolery, to his hotel.
But the interview, and the lovely little notes that
came sometimes, " fixed " the necklace business ! And
if further encouragement had been needed, Cagliostro
gave it. For the cardinal now consulted him about the
future of the affair, having indeed kept him fully in
formed about it for a long time, as he did of all matters
of interest. So the quack set up his tabernacles of
mummery in a parlor of the cardinal s hotel, and con
ducted an Egyptian Invocation there all night long in
solitude and pomp ; and in the morning he decreed (in
substance) " go ahead." And the cardinal did so.
Boehmer and Bassange were only too happy to bargain
with the great and wealthy church and state dignitary.
A memorandum of terms and time of payment was
drawn up, and was submitted to the Queen. That is,
swindling Jeanne carried it off, and brought it back,
with an entry made by Villette de Retaux in the mar
gin, thus : " Bon, bon Approuve, Marie Antoinette de
France." That is, " Good, good I approve. Marie
Antoinette de France." The payment was to be by
instalments, at six months, and quarterly afterwards ;
the Queen to furnish the money to the cardinal, while he
remained ostensibly holden to the jewellers, she thus
keeping out of sight.
So the jewels were handed over to the cardinal de
Rohan ; he took them one evening in great state to
ADVENTURERS. 351
the lodgings of the countess, where with all imaginable
formality there came a knock at the door, and when it
was open a tall valet entered who said solemnly " On
the part of the Queen ! De Rohan knew it was the
Queen s confidential valet, for he saw with his own
eves that it was the same man who had escorted the
countess from the side gate at the Trianon ! And so it
was; to wit, Villette de Retaux, who, calmly receiving
the fifteen huudred thousand franc treasure, marched
but as solemnly as he had come in.
As that counterfeiting rascal goes out of the door,
the diamond necklace itself disappears from our knowl
edge. The swindle was consummated, but there is no
whisper of the disposition of the spoils. Villette, and
Jeanne s husband Lamotte, went to London and Am
sterdam, and had some money there ; but seemingly no
more than the previous pillages upon the cardinal might
have supplied ; nor did the countess subsequent expen
ditures show that she had any of the proceeds.
But that is not the last of the rest of the parties to
the affair, by any means. Between this scene and the
time when the anxious Boehmer. havino- a little bill to
O
meet, beset Madame Campan about his letter and the
money the Queen was to pay him, there intervened six
months. During that time countess Jeanne was
smoothing as well as she could, with endless lies and
contrivances, the troubles of the perplexed cardinal,
who " could nt seem to see " that he was much better
off in spite of his loyal performance of his part of the
bargain.
But this application by Boehmer, and the enormous
352 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
swindle which it was instantly evident had been perpe
trated on somebody or other, of course waked up a
commotion at once. The baron de Breteuil, a deadly
enemy of de Rohan, got hold of it all, and in his over
powering eagerness to ruin his foe, quickly rendered the
matter so public that it was out of the question to hush
it up. It seems probable that Jeanne de Lamotte ex
pected that the business would be kept quiet for the
sake of the Queen, and that thus any very severe or
public punishments would be avoided and perhaps no
inquiries made. It is clear that this would have been
the best plan, but de Breteuil s officiousness prevented
it, and there was nothing for it but legal measures. De
Rohan was arrested and put in the Bastile, having bare
ly been able to send a message in German to his hotel
to a trusty secretary, who instantly destroyed all the
papers relating to the affair. Jeanne was also impris
oned, and Miss Gay d Oliva and Villette de Retaux,
being caught at Brussels and Amsterdam, were in like
manner secured. As for Cagliostro, he was also im
prisoned, some accounts saying that he ostentatiously
gave himself up for trial.
This was a public trial before the Parliament of Paris,
with much form.
The result was that the cardinal, appearing to be
only fool, not knave, was acquitted. Gay d Oliva
appeared to have known nothing except that she was
to play a part, and she had been told that the Queen
wanted her to do so, so she was let go. Villette was
banished lor life. Lamotte, the countess husband, had
escaped to England, and was condemned to the gal-
ADVENTURERS. 353
leys in his absence, which didn t hurt him much.
Cagliostro was acquitted. But Jeanne was sentenced to
he whipped, branded on the shoulder with the letter V
for Voleuse (thief), and banished.
This sentence was executed in full, but with great
difficulty ; for the woman turned perfectly furious on
the public scaffold, flew at the hangman like a tiger, bit
pieces out of his hands, shrieked, cursed, rolled on the
floor, kicked, squirmed and jumped, until they held her
by brute force, tore. down her dress, and the red hot
iron going aside as she struggled, plunged full into her
snowy white breast, planting there indelibly the horri
ble black V, while she yelled like a fiend under the
torment of the smoking brand. She fled away to Eng
land, lived there some time in dissolute courses, and is
said to have died in consequence of falling out of a
window when drunk, or as another account states, of
being flung out by the companions of her orgy, whom
she had stung to fury by her frightful scolding. Before
her death she put forth one or two memoirs, false,
scandalous things.
The unfortunate Queen never entirely escaped some
shadow of disrepute from the necklace business. For
to the very last, both on the trial and afterwards,
Jeanne de Lainotte impudently stuck to it that at
least the Queen had known about the trick played on
the Cardinal at the Trianon, and had in fact been hid
den close by and saw and laughed heartily at the whole
interview. So sore and morbid was the condition of
the public mind in France in those days, when symp
toms of the coming Revolution were breaking out on
354 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
every side, that this odious story found many and wil
ling believers.
CHAPTER LXII.
THE COUNT DE ST. GERMAIN, SAGE, PROPHET, AND MA
GICIAN.
Superior to Cagliostro, even in accomplishments, and
second to him in notoriety only, was that human non
descript, the so-called Count de St. Germain, whom Fred
rick the Great called, " a man no one lias ever been
able to make out."
The Marquis de Crequy declares that St. Germain
was an Alsatian Jew, Simon Wolff by name, and born
at Strasburg about the close of the seventeenth or the
beginning of the eighteenth century ; others insist that
he was a Spanish Jesuit named Ayrnar ; and others
again intimate that his true title was the Marquis de
Betmar, and that he was a native of Portugal. The
most plausible theory, however, makes him the natural
son of an Italian princess, and fixes his birth at San
Germane, in Savoy, about the year 1710 ; his ostensi
ble father being one Rotondo, a tax-collector of that
district.
This supposition is borne out by the fact that he
spoke all his many languages with an Italian accent.
It was about the year 1750 that he first began to be
heard of in Europe as the Count St. Germain, and put
forth the astounding pretensions that soon gave him ce-
ADVENTURERS. 355
lebrity over the whole continent. The celebrated Mar
quis de Belleisle made his acquaintance about that time
in Germany, and brought him to Paris, where he was
introduced to Madame de Pompadour, whose favor he
very quickly gained. The influence of that famous
beauty was just then paramount with Louis XV, and
the Count was soon one of the most eminent men at
court. He was remarkably handsome as an old por
trait at Friersdorf, in Saxony, in the rooms he once oc
cupied, sufficientlv indicated ; and his musical accom
plishments, added to the ineffable charm of his manners
and conversation, and the miracles he performed, ren
dered him an irresistible attraction, especially to the
ladies, who appear to have almost idolized him. Endow
ed with an enchanting voice, he could also play every
instrument then in vogue, but especially excelled upon
the violin, which he could handle in such a manner as
to give it the effect of a small orchestra. Cotemporary
writers declare that, in his more ordinary performances,
a connoisseur could distinctly hear the separate tones of
a full quartet when the count was extemporizing on his
favorite Cremona. His little work, entitled " La Musi-
que Raisonnee, published in England, for private circu
lation only, bears testimony to his musical genius, and
to the wondrous eccentricity, as well as beauty, of his
conceptions. But it was in alectromancy, or divination
by signs and circles ; hydromancy, or divination by
water; cleidomancy, or divination by the kev, and
dactylomancy, or divination by the fingers, that the
count chiefly excelled, although he, at the same time,
professed alchemy, astrology, and prophecy in the high
er branches.
356 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
The fortunes of the Count St. Germain rose so rapid
ly in France, that in 1760 he was sent by Louis XV, to
the Court of England, to assist in negotiations for a
peace. M. de Choiseul, then Prime Minister of
France, however, greatly feared and detested the
Count ; and secretly wrote to Pitt, begging the latter
to have that personage arrested, as lie was certainly a
Russian spy. But St. Germain, through his attendant
sprites, of course, received timely warning, and escaped
to the Continent. In England, he was the inseparable
friend of Prince Lobkowitz a circumstance that gave
some color to his alleged connection with the Russians.
His sojourn there was equally distinguished by his devo
tion to the ladies, and his unwavering success at the
gaming-table, where he won fabulous sums, which were
afterward dispensed with imperial munificence. It was
there, too, that he put forward his claims to the highest
rank in Masonry ; and, of course, added, thereby, im
mensely to the eclat of his position. He spoke English,
French, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, German, Russian,
Polish, the Scandinavian, and many of the Oriental
tongues, with equal fluency ; and pretended to have
traveled over the whole earth, and even to have visited
the most distant starry orbs frequently, in the course of
a lifetime which, with continual transmigrations, he de
clared to have lasted for thousands of years. His birth,
he said, had been in Chaldea, in the dawn of time ; and
that he was the sole inheritor of the lost sciences and
mysteries of his own and the Egyptian race. He
spoke of his personal intimacy with all the twelve Apos
tles and even the august presence of the Savior;
ADVENTURERS. 357
and one of his pretensions would have been most singu
larly amusing, had it not bordered upon profanity.
This was no less an assertion than that he had upon
several occasions remonstrated with the Apostle Peter
upon the irritability of his temperament ! In regard
to later periods of history, he spoke with the careless
ease of an every-day looker on ; and told anecdotes that
the researches of scholars afterwards fully verified.
His predictions were, indeed, most startling ; and the
cotemporaneous evidence is very strong and explicit,
that he did foretell the time, place, and manner of the
death of Louis XV, several years before it occurred.
His gift of memory was perfectly amazing. Having
once read a journal of the day, he could repeat its con
tents accurately, from beginning to end ; and to this
endowment he united the faculty of writing with both
hands, in characters like copperplate. Thus, he could
indite a love-letter with his right while he composed a
verse with his left hand, and, apparently, with the ut
most facility a splendid acquisition for the Treasury
Department or a literary newspaper ! He would, how
ever, have been ineligible for any faithful Post Office,
since he read the contents of sealed letters at a glance ;
and, by his clairvoyant powers, detected crime, or, in
fact, the movements of men and the phenomena of na
ture, at any distance. Like all the great Magi, nnd
Brothers of the Rosy Cross, of whom he claimed to be
a shining light, he most excelled in medicine ; and
along with remedies for " every ill that flesh is heir to,"
boasted his " Aqua Benedetta" as the genuine elixir of
life, capable of restoring youth to age, beauty and
358 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
strength to decay, and brilliant intellect to the exhaust
ed brain ; and, if properly applied, protracting human
existence through countless centuries. As a proof of
its virtues, he pointed to his own youthful appearance,
and the testimony of old men who had seen him sixty
or seventy years earlier, and who declared that time
had made no impression on him. Strangely enough,
the Margrave of Anspach, of whom I shall presently
speak, purchased what purported to be the recipe of the
" Aqua Benedetta," from John Dyke, the English
Consul at Leghorn, towards the close of the last centu
ry ; and copies of it are still preserved with religious
care and the utmost secrecy by certain noble families
in Berlin and Vienna, where the preparation has been
used (as they believe) with perfect success against a
host of diseases.
Still another peculiarity of the Count would be high
ly advantageous to any of us, particularly at this peri
od of high prices and culinary scarcity. He never ate
nor drank ; or, at least, he was never seen to do so !
It is said that boarding house regime in these days is
rapidly accustoming a considerable class of our fellow-
citizens to a similar condition, but I can scarcely be
lieve it.
Again, the Count would fall into cataleptic swoons,
which continued often for hours, and even days; and,
during these periods, he declared that he visited, in spir
it, the most remote regions of the earth, and even the
farthest stars, and would relate, with astonishing power,
the scenes he there had witnessed !
He, of course, laid claim to the transmutation of
ADVENTURERS. 359
baser metals into gold, and stated that, in 1755, while
on a visit to India, to consult the erudition of the Hin
doo Brahmins, he solved, by their assistance, the prob
lem of the artificial crystallization of pure carbon or,
in other words, the production of diamonds ! One
thing is certain, viz. : that upon a visit to the French
ambassador to the Hague, in 1780, he, in the presence
of that functionary, induced him to believe and testify
that he broke to pieces, with a hammer, a superb dia
mond, of his own manufacture, the exact counterpart
of another, of similar origin, which he had just sold for
5,500 louis d or.
His career and transformations on the Continent
were multiform. In 1762, he was mixed up with the
dynastic conspiracies and changes at St. Petersburg ;
and his importance there was indicated ten years later,
by the reception given to him at Vienna by the Russian
Count Orloff, who accosted him joyously as " caro pa
dre " (dear father,) and gave him twenty thousand
golden Venetian sequins.
From Petersburg he went to Berlin, where he at once
attracted the attention of Frederick the Great, who
questioned Voltaire about him ; the latter replying, as
it is said, that he was a man who knew all things, and
would live to the end of the world a fair statement,
in brief, of the position assumed by more than one of
our ward politicians !
In 1774, he took up his abode at Schwabach, in Ger
many, under the name of Count Tzarogy, which is a
transposition of Ragotzy, a well-known noble name.
The Margrave of Anspach met him at the house of his
860 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
favorite Clairon, the actress, and became so fond of him,
that he insisted upon his company to Italy. On his
return, he went to Dresden, Leipzig, and Hamburg, and
finally to Eckernfiorde, in Schleswig, where he took up
his residence with the Landgrave Karl of Hesse ; and
at length, in 1788, tired, as he said, of life, and dis
daining any longer immortality, he gave up the ghost.
It was during St. Germain s residence in Schleswig
that he was visited by the renowned Cagliostro, who
openly acknowledged him as master, and learned many
of his most precious secrets from him among others,
the faculty of discriminating the character by the hand
writing, and of fascinating birds, animals, and reptiles.
To trace the wanderings of St. Germain is a difficult
task, as he had innumerable aliases, and often totally
disappeared tor months together. In Venice, he was
known as the Count de BelJamare ; at Pisa, as the
Chevalier de Schoening ; at Milan, as the Chevalier
Welldone ; at Genoa, as the Count Soltikow, etc.
In all these journeys, his own personal tastes were
quiet and simple, and he manifested more attachment
for a pocket-copy of Guarini s "Pastor Fido " his
only library than for any other object in his posses
sion.
On the whole., the Count de St. Germain was a man
of magnificent attainments, but the use he made of his
talents proved him to be also a most magnificent hum
bug.
ADVENTURERS. 861
CHAPTER XLIII.
RIZA BEY, THE PERSIAN ENVOY TO LOUIS XIV.
The most gorgeous, and with one sole exception the
most glorious reign that France has known, so far as
military success is concerned, was that of Louis XIV,
the Grand Monarque. His was the age of lavish ex
penditure, of magnificent structures, grand festivals,
superb dress and equipage, aristocratic arrogance, bril
liant campaigns, and great victories. It was, more
over, particularly distinguished for the number and
high character of the various special embassies sent to
the court of France by foreign powers. Among these,
Spain, the Netherlands, Great Britain, and Venice ri
valed each other in extravagant display and pomp.
The singular and really tangible imposture I am about
to describe, practiced at such a period and on such a
man as Louis of France, was indeed a bold, and dashing
affair.
" L Etat c est moi " "I am the State," was Louis*
celebrated and very significant motto ; for in his own
hands he had really concentrated all the powers of the
realm, and woe to him who trifled with a majesty so
real and so imperial !
However, notwithstanding all this imposing strength,
this mighty domineering will, and this keen intelligence,
a man was found bold enough to brave them all in the
arena of pure humbug. It was toward the close of the
16
362 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
year 1667, when Louis, in the plenitude of military
success, returned from his campaign in Flanders, where
his invincible troops had proven too much for the broad
breeched but gallant Dutchmen. In the short space of
three months he had added whole provinces, including
some forty or fifty cities and towns, to his dominions ;
and his fame was ringing throughout Christendom. It
had even penetrated to the farthest East ; and the King
of Siam sent a costly embassy from his remote kingdom,
to offer his congratulations and fraternal greeting to the
most eminent potentate of Europe.
Louis had already removed the pageantries of his
royal household to his magnificent new palace of Ver
sailles, on which the- wealth of conquered kingdoms had
been lavished, and there, in the Great Hall of Mirrors, re
ceived the homage of his own nobles and the ambassa
dors of foreign powers. The utmost splendor of which
human life was susceptible seemed so common and fa
miliar in those days, that the train was dazzling indeed
that could excite any very particular attention. What
would have seemed stupendous elsewhere was only in
conformity with all the rest of the scene at Versailles.
But, at length, there came something that made even
the pampered courtiers of the new Babylon stare a
Persian embassy. Yes, a genuine, actual, living envoy
from that wonderful Empire in the East, which in her
time had ruled the whole Oriental world, and still re
tained almost fabulous wealth and splendor.
It was announced formally, one morning, to Louis,
that His Most Serene Excellency, Riza Bey, with an
interminable tail of titlejs, hangers-on and equipages,
ADVENTURERS. 363
had reached the port of Marseilles, having journeyed by
way of Trebizond and Constantiople, to lay before the
great " King of the Franks" brotherly congratulations
and gorgeous presents from his own illustrious master,
the Shah of Persia. This was something entirely to
the taste of the vain French ruler, whom unlimited good
fortune had inflated beyond all reasonable proportions.
He firmly believed that he was by far the greatest man
who had ever lived ; and had an embassy from the moon
or the planet Jupiter been announced to him, would
have deemed it not only natural enough, but absolutely
due to his preeminence above all other human beings.
Nevertheless, he was, secretly, immensely pleased with
the Persian demonstration, and gave orders that no ex
pense should be spared in giving the strangers a recep
tion worthy of himself and France.
It would be needless for me to detail the events of the
progress of Riza Bey from Marseilles to Paris, by way
of Avignon and Lyons. It was certainly in keeping
with the pretensions of the Ambassador. From town
to town the progress was a continued ovation. Tri
umphal arches, bonfires, chimes of bells, and hurrahing
crowds in their best bibs and tuckers, military parades
and civic ceremonies, everywhere awaited the children
of the farthest East, who were stared at. shouted at
and by some wretched cynics sneered and laughed at
to their hearts content. All modern glory very largely
consists in being nearly stunned with every species of
noise, choked with dust, and dragged about through the
streets, until you are well nigh dead. Witness the
Japanese Embassy and their visit to this country, where,
364 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
in some cases, the poor creatures, after hours of unmiti
gated boring with all sorts of mummery, actually had
their pigtails pulled by Young America in the rear, and
as at the windows of Wi Hard s Hotel in Wash in or-
3"?
ton were stirred up with long canes, like the Polar
Bear or the Learned Seal.
Still Iliza Bey and his dozen or two of dusky
companions did not, by any means, cut so splendid a
figure as had been expected. They had with them
some camels, antelopes, bulbuls, and monkeys like any
travelling caravan, and were dressed in the most outra
geous and outlandish attire. They jabbered, too, a
gibberish utterly incomprehensible to the crowd, and
did everything that had never been seen or clone before.
All this, however, delighted the populace. Had they
been similarly transmogrified, or played such queer
pranks themselves, it would only have been food for
mockery ; but the foreign air and fame of the thing
made it all wonderful, and, as the chief rogue in the
plot had foreseen, blinded the popular eye and made his
" embassy " a complete success.
At length, after some four weeks of slow progress,
the " Persians " arrived at Paris, where they were re
ceived, as had been expected, with tremendous eclat.
They entered by Barrio* re du Trcme, so styled because
it was there that Louis Quatorze himself had been re
ceived upon a temporary throne, set up, with splendid
decorations and triumphal arches, in the open air, when
he returned from his Flanders campaign. Riza Bey was
upon this occasion a little more splendid than he had
been on his way from the sea-coast, and really loomed
ADVENTURERS. 365
up in startling style in his tall, black, rimless hat of
wool, shaped precisely like an elongated flower-pot,
and his silk robes dangling to his heels and covered
with huge painted figures and bright metal decorations
of every shape and size unknown, to European man-
millinery. A circlet or collar, apparently of gold, set
with precious stones (California diamonds !) surrounded
his neck, and monstrous glittering rings covered all the
fingers, and even the thumbs of both his hands. His
train, consisting of sword, cup, and pipe bearers, doc
tors, chief cooks, and bottle-washers, cork extractors
and chiropodists (literally so, for it seems that sharing
the common lot of humanity, great men have corns
even in Persia,) were similarly arrayed as to fashion,
but less stupendously in jewelry.
Well, after the throng had scampered, crowded, and
shouted themselves hoarse, and had straggled to their
homes, sufficiently tired and pocket-picked, the Ambas
sador and his suite were lodged in sumptuous apartments
in the old royal residence of the Tuileries, under the
care and charge of King Louis own assistant Major-
Domo and a guard of courtiers and regiments of Royal
Swiss. Banqueting and music filled up the first eve
ning ; and upon the ensuing day His Majesty, who thus
did his visitors especial honor, sent the Due de Riche
lieu, the most polished courtier and diplomatist in France,
to announce that he would graciously receive them on
the third evening at Versailles.
O
Meanwhile the most extensive preparations were
made for the grand audience thus accorded ; and
when the appointed occasion had arrived, the entire
366 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Gallery of Mirrors with all the adjacent spaces and cor
ridors, were crowded with the beauty, the chivalry,
the wit, taste, and intellect of France at that dazzling
period. The gallery, which is three hundred and eighty
feet in length by fifty in height, derives its name from
the priceless mirrors which adorn its walls, reaching from
floor to ceiling, opposite the long row of equally tall
and richly mullioned windows that look into the great
court and gardens. These windows, hung with the
costliest silk curtains and adorned with superb histori
cal statuary, give to the hall a light and aerial appear
ance indescribably enchanting ; while the mirrors reflect
in ten thousand variations the hall itself and its moving
pageantry, rendering both apparently interminable.
Huge marble vases filled with odorous exotics lined the
stairways, and twelve thousand wax lights in gilded
brackets, and chandeliers of the richest workmanship,
shone upon three thousand titled heads.
Louis the Great himself never appeared to finer ad
vantage. His truly royal countenance was lighted up
with pride and satisfaction as the Envoy of the haughty
Oriental king approached the splendid throne on which
he sat, and as he descended a step to meet him and
stood there in his magnificent robes of state, the Per
sian envoy bent the knee, and with uncovered head pre
sented the credentials of his mission. Of the crowd
that immediately surrounded the throne, it is something
to say that the Grand Colbert, the famous Minister,
and the Admiral Duquesne were by no means the most
eminent, nor the lovely Duchess of Orleans and her
companion, the bewitching Mademoiselle de Kerouaille,
ADVENTURERS. 367
who afterward changed the policy of Charles II, of Eng
land, by no means the most beautiful personages in the
galaxy.
A grand ball and supper concluded this night of
splendor, and Riza Bey was> fairly launched at the
French court ; every member of which, to please the
King, tried to outvie his compeers in the assiduity of
his attentions, and the value of the books, pictures,
gems, equipages, arms, &c, which they heaped upon the
illustrious Persian. The latter gentleman very quietly
smoked his pipe and lounged on his divan before com
pany, and diligently packed up the goods when he and
his "jolly companions " were left alone. The presents
of the Shah had not yet arrived, but were daily expect
ed via Marseilles, and from time to time the olive-colored
suite was diminished by the departure of one of the
number with his chest on a special mission (so stated)
to England, Austria, Portugal, Spain, and other Euro
pean powers.
In the meantime, the Bey was feted in all directions,
with every species of entertainment, and it was whis
pered that the fair ones of that dissolute court were,
from the first, eager in the bestowal of their smiles.
The King favored his Persian pet with numerous per
sonal interviews, at which, in broken French, the En
voy unfolded the most imposing schemes of Oriental
conquest and commerce that his master was cordially
willing to share with his great brother of France. At
one of these chatty tete-4-tetes, the munificent Riza
Bey, upon whom the King had already conferred his
own portrait set in diamonds, and other gifts worth sev-
368 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
eral millions of francs, placed in the Royal hand seve-
eral superb fragments of opal and turquoise said to
have been found in a district of country bordering on
the Caspian sea, which teemed with limitless treasures
of the same kind, and which the Shah of Persia pro
posed to divide with France for the honor of her alli
ance. The king was enchanted ; for these mere speci
mens, as they were deemed, must, if genuine, be worth
in themselves a mint of money ; and a province full of
such why, the thought was charming !
Thus the great King-fish was fairly hooked, and
Riza Bey could take his time. The golden tide that
flowed in to him did not slacken, and his own expenses
were all provided for at the Tuileries. The only thing
remaining to be done was a grand foray on the tradesmen
of Paris, and this was splendidly executed. The most
exquisite wares of all descriptions were gathered in,
without mention of payment; and one by one the Per
sian phalanx distributed itself through Europe until
only two or three were left with the Ambassador.
At length, word was sent to Versailles that the gifts
from the Shah had come, and a day was appointed for
their presentation. The day arrived, and the Hall of
Audience was again thrown open. All was jubilee ;
the King and the court waited, but no Persian no
Riza Rey no presents from the Shah !
That morning three men, without either caftans or
robes, but very much resembling the blacklegs of the
day in their attire and deportment, had left the Tuiler
ies at daylight with a bag and a bundle, and returned
no more. They were Riza Bey and his last body-guard ;
ADVENTURERS. 369
the bag* and the bundle were the smallest in bulk but
the most precious in value of a month s successful plun
der. The turquoises and opals left with the King
turned out, upon close inspection, to be a new and very
ingenious variety of colored glass, now common enough*
and then worth, if anything, about thirty cents in cash.
Of course, a hue and cry was raised in all directions,
but totally in vain. Riza Bey, the Persian Shah, and
the gentlemen in flower-pots, had " gone glimmering
through the dream of things that were." L etat c est
moi had been sold for thirty cents ! It was afterward
believed that a noted barber and suspected bandit at
Leghorn, who had once really traveled in Persia, and
there picked up the knowledge and the ready money
that served his turn, was the perpetrator of this pretty
joke and speculation, as he disappeared from his native
city about the time of the embassy in France, and did
not return.
All Europe laughed heartily at the Grand Monarque
and his fair court-dames, and " An Embassy from Per
sia " was for many years thereafter an expression sim
ilar to " Walker ! " in English, or " Buncombe ! " in
American conversation, when the party using it seeks to
intimate that the color of his optics is not a distinct pea-
green !
16*
IX. RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS.
CHAPTER XLIV.
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND ; OR, YANKEE SUPERSTITIONS.
MATTHIAS THE IMPOSTOR. NEW YORK FOLLIES
THIRTY YEARS AGO.
There is a story that on a great and solemn public
occasion of the Romish Church, a Pope and a Cardinal
were, with long faces, performing some of the gyrations
of the occasion, when, instead of a pious ejaculation and
reply, which were down in the programme, one said to
the other gravely, in Latin " mundus vult decipi;" and
the other replied, with equal gravity and learning,
" decipiatur ergo : " that is, " All the world chooses to
be fooled." " Let it be fooled then."
This seems, perhaps, a reasonable way for priests to
talk about ignorant Italians. It may seem inapplicable
to cool, sharp, school-trained Protestant Yankees. It
is not, however at least, not entirely. Intelligent
Northerners have, sometimes, superstition enough in
them to make a first-class Popish saint. If it had not
been so, I should not have such an absurd religious
humbug to tell of as Robert Matthews, notorious in
our goodly city some thirty years ago as " Matthias,
the Impostor."
In the summer of 1832, there was often seen riding
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 371
in Broadway, in a handsome barouche, or promenading
on the Battery (usually attended by a sort of friend
or servant,) a tall man, of some forty years of age,
quite thin, with sunken, sharp gray eyes, with long,
coarse, brown and gray hair, parted in the middle and
curling on his shoulders, and a long and coarse but well-
tended beard and mustache. These Esau-like adorn
ments attracted much attention in those close-shaving
days. He was commonly dressed in a fine green frock-
coat, lined with white or pink satin, black or green pan
taloon s, with polished Wellington boots drawn on out
side, fine cambric ruffles and frill, and a crimson silk
sash worked with gold and with twelve tassels, for the
twelve tribes of Israel. On his head was a steeple-
crowned patent-leather shining black cap with a shade.
Thus bedizened, this fantastic-looking personage
marched gravely up and down, or rode in pomp in the
streets. Sometimes he lounged in a bookstore or other
place of semi-public resort ; and in such places he often
preached or exhorted. His preachments were sufficient
ly horrible. He claimed to be God the Father ; and
his doctrine was, in substance, this : " The true king
dom of God on earth began in Albany in June 1880,
and will be completed in twenty-one years, or by 1851.
During this time, wars are to stop, and I, Matthias, am
to execute the divine judgments and destroy the wicked.
The day of grace is to close on December 1, 1836 ;
and all who do not begin to reform by that time, I shall
kill." The discourses by which this blasphemous
humbug supported his pretensions were a hodge-podge
of impiety and utter nonsense, with rants, curses and
372 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
cries, and frightful threats against all objectors. Here
is a passage from one ; " All who eat swine s flesh
are of the devil ; and just as certain as he eats it lie
will tell a lie in less than half an hour. If you eat a
piece of pork, it will go crooked through you, and the
Holy Ghost will not stay in you ; but one or the other
must leave the house pretty soon. The pork will be as
crooked in you as rams horns." Again, he made these
pleasant points about the ladies : " They who teach
women are of the wicked. All females who lecture
their husbands their sentence is : 4 Depart, ye wicked,
I know you not/ Everything that has the smell of
woman will be destroyed. Woman is the cap-sheaf of
the abomination of desolation, full of all deviltry."
There, ladies ! Is anything further necessary to con
vince you what a peculiarly wicked and horrible hum
bug this fellow was ?
If we had followed this impostor home, we should have
found him lodged, during most of his stay in New- York
city, with one or the other of his three chief disciples.
These were Pierson, who commonly attended him
abroad, Folger, and for a time only Mills. All
three of these men were wealthy merchants. In their
handsome and luxuriously-furnished homes, this noxious
humbug occupied the best rooms, and controlled the
whole establishment, directing the marketing, meal
times, and all other household-matters, Master, mistress
(in Mr. Folger s home,) and domestics were disciples,
and obeyed the scamp with an implicitness and prostrate
humility even more melancholy than absurd, both as to
housekeeping and as to the ceremonies, washing of feet,
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 373
etc., which he enjoined. When he was angry with his fe
male disciples, he frequently whipped them ; but, being
a monstrous coward, he never tried it on a man. The
least opposition or contradiction threw him into a great
rage, and set him screaming, and cursing, and gesticula
ting like any street drab. When he wished more clothes,
which was pretty often, one of his dupes furnished the
money. . When he wanted casli for any purpose in
deed, they gave it him.
This half-crazy knave and abominable humbug was
Robert Matthews, who called himself Matthias. He
was of Scotch descent, and born about 1790, in Wash
ington county, New York ; and his blood was tainted
with insanity, for a brother of his died a lunatic. He
was a carpenter and joiner of uncommon skill, and up
to nearly his fortieth year lived, on the whole, a useful
and respectable life, being industrious, a professing
Christian of good standing, and (having married in
1813) a steady family-man. In 1823 and 1829, while
living at Albany, he gradually became excited about re
ligious subjects; his first morbid symptoms appearing
after hearing some sermons by Rev. E. N. Kirk, and
Mr. Finney the revivalist. He soon began to exhort
his fellow-journeymen instead of minding his work, so
uproariously that his employer turned him away.
He discovered a text in the Bible that forbid Chris
tians to shave. He let his hair and beard grow ; began
street-preaching in a noisy, brawling style ; announced
that he was going to set about converting the whole
city of Albany which needed it badly enough, if we
may believe the political gentlemen. Finding however,
371 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
that the Lobby, or the Regency, or something or othei
about the peculiar wickedness of Albany, was altogether
too much for him, he began, like Jonah at Nineveh, to
announce the destruction of the obstinate town ; and at
midnight, one night in June, 1826, he waked up his
household, and saying that Albany was to be destroyed
next day, took his three little boys two, four, .and
six years old his wife and oldest child (a daughter re
fusing to go,) and " fled to the mountains." He actu
ally walked the poor little fellows fort} miles in twenty-
four hours, to his sister s in Washington county. Here
lie was reckoned raving crazy ; was forcibly turned
out of church for one of his brawling interruptions of
service, and sent back to Albany, where he resumed
his street-preaching more noisily than ever. He now
began to call himself Matthias, and claimed to be a
Jew. Then he went on a long journey to the Western
and Southern States, preaching his doctrines, getting in
to jail, and sometimes fairly cursing his way out ; and,
returning to New York city, preached up and down
the streets in his crazy, bawling fashion, sometimes on
foot and sometimes on an old bony horse.
His New York city dupes, Elijah Pierson and Ben
jamin H. Folger and their families, together with a Mr.
Mills and a few more, figured prominently in the chief
chapter of Matthews career, during two years and a
half, from May, 1832, to the fall of 1834.
Pierson and Folger were the leaders in the folly.
These men, merchants of wealth and successful in
business, were of that sensitive and impressible religious
nature which is peculiarly credulous and liable to enthu-
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 375
siams and delusions. They had been, with a number of
other persons, eagerly engaged in some extravagant re
ligious performances, including excessive fasts and ascet-
isms, and a plan, formed by one of their lady friends,
to convert all New York by a system of female visit
ations and preachings a plan not so very foolish, I
may just remark, if the she apostles are only pretty
enough !
O
Pierson, the craziest of the crew, besides other wretch
ed delusions, had already fancied himself Elijah the
Tishbite ; and when his wife fell ill and died a little
while before this time, had first tried to cure her, and
then to raise her from the dead, by anointing with oil
and by the prayer of faith, as mentioned in the Epistle
of Saint James.
Curiously enough, a sort of lair or nest, very soft
and comfortable, was thus made ready for our religious
humbug, just as he wanted it worst ; for in these days
he was but seedy. He heard something of Pierson, I
don t know how ; and on the 5th of May, 1832, he call
ed on him. Very quickly the poor fellow recognized
the long-bearded prophetical humbug as all that he
claimed to be a possessor and teacher of all truth,
and as God himself.
Mills and Folger easily fell into the same pitiable
foolery, on Pierson s introduction. And the lucky
humbug was verv soon living in clover in Mills house,
which he chose first ; had admitted the happy fools,
Pierson and Folger, as the first two members of his
true church ; Pierson, believing that from Elijah the
Tishbite he had become John the Baptist, devoted him-
376 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
self as a kind of servant to his new Messiah ; and the
deluded men began to supply all the temporal wants of
the impostor, believing their estates set apart as the be
ginning of the material Kingdom of God !
After three months, some of Mills friends, on charg
es of lunacy, caused Mills to be sent to Bloomingdale
Asylum, and Matthias to be thrust into the insane poor s
ward at Bellevue, where his beard was forcibly cut off,
to his extreme disgust. His brother, however, got him
out by a habeas corpus, and he went to live with Folger.
Mills now disappears from the story.
Matthias remained in the full enjoyment of his luxu
rious establishment, until September, 1834, it is true,
with a few uncomfortable interruptions. He was al
ways both insolent and cowardly, and thus often irritat
ed some strong-minded auditor, and got himself into
some pickle where he had to sneak out, which he did
with much ease. In his seedy days the landlord of a
hotel in whose bar-room he used to preach and curse, put
him down when he grew too abusive, by coolly and stern
ly telling him to go to bed. Mr. Folger himself had one
or two brief intervals of sense, in one of which, angered
at some insolence of Matthias, he seized him by the
throat, shook him well, and flung him down upon a
sofa. The humbug knowing that his living was in
danger, took this very mildly, and readily accepted the
renewed assurances of belief which poor Folger soon
gave him. In the village of Sing Sing where Folger
had a country-seat which he called Mount Zion, Mat
thias was exceedingly obnoxious. His daughter had
married a Mr. Laisdell ; and the humbug, who claimed
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 377
that all Christian marriages were void and wicked, by
some means induced the young wife to come to Sing Sing,
where he whipped her more than once quite cruelly.
Her husband came and took her away after encounter
ing all the difficulty which Matthias dared make; and,
at a hearing in the matter before a magistrate, lie was
very near getting tarred and feathered, if not something
worse, and the danger frightened him very much.
He barely escaped being shaved by violence, and being
thrown overboard to test his asserted miraculous powers,
at the hands of a stout and incredulous farmer on the
steamboat between Sing Sing and New York. While
imprisoned at Bellevue before his trial, he was tossed in
a blanket by the prisoners, to make him give them some
money. The unlucky prophet dealt out damnation to
them in great quantities ; but they told him it wouldn t
work, and the poor humbug finally, instead of casting
them into hell, paid them a quarter of a dollar apiece to
let him off. When he was about to leave Folger s house,
some roguish young men of Sing Sing forged a warrant,
and with a counterfeit officer seized the humbug, and a
second time shaved him by force. Pie was one day
terribly " set back " as the phrase is, by a sharpish an
swer. He gravely asserted to a certain man that he had
been on the earth eighteen hundred years. His hearer,
startled and irreverent, exclaimed :
u The devil you have ! Do you tell me so ? "
" I do," said the prophet.
" Then," rejoined the other, " all I have to say is, you
are a remarkably good-looking fellow for one of your
age."
378 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
The confounded prophet grinned, scowled, and ex
claimed indignantly :
" You are a devil, Sir ! " and marched off.
In the beginning of August, 1834, the unhappy
Pierson died in Folger s house, under circumstances
amounting to strong circumstantial evidence that Mat
thias, with the help of the colored cook, an enthusiastic
disciple, had poisoned him with arsenic. The rascal
pretended that his own curse had slain Pierson. There
was a post mortem, an indictment, and a trial, but the
evidence was not strong enough for conviction. Being
acquitted, he was at once tried again for an assault and
battery on his daughter by the aforesaid whippings ; and
on this charge he was found guilty and sent to the coun
ty jail for three months, in April, 1835. The trial for
murder was just before the prophet having lain in
prison since his apprehension for murder in the preced
ing autumn. Mr. Folger s delusion had pretty much
disappeared by the end of the summer of 1834. He
had now become ruined, partly in consequence of fool
ish speculations jointly with Pierson, believed to be
conducted under Divine guidance, and partly because
his strange conduct destroyed his business reputation
and standing. The death of Pierson, and some very
queer matters about another apparent poisoning-trick,
awakened the suspicions of the Folgers ; and after a
good deal of scolding and trouble with the impostor,
who hung on to his comfortable home like a good follow,
Folorer finallv turned him out, and then had him taken
up for swindling. He had been too foolish himself, how
ever, to maintain this charge ; but, shortly after, the
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 379
others, for murder and assault, followed, with a little bet
ter success.
This imprisonment seems to have put a sudden and
final period to the prophetical and religious operations
of Master Matthias, and to the follies of his victims, too.
I know of no subsequent developments of either kind.
Matthias disappears from public life, and died, it is said,
in Arkansas ; but when, or after what further career, I
don t know. He was a shallow knave, and undoubt
edly also partly crazy and partly the dupe of his own
nonsense. If he had not so opportunely found victims
of good standing, he would not have been remembered
at all, except as George Mnnday, the " hatless proph
et," and " Angel Gabriel Orr," are remembered as
one more obscure, crazy street-preacher. And as soon
as his accidental supports of other people s money and
enthusiasm failed him, he disappeared at once. Many
of my readers will remember distinctly, as I do, the re
markable career of this man, and the humiliating posi
tion in which his victims were placed. In the face of
such an exposition as this of the weakness and credulity
of poor human nature in this enlightened country of
common schools and colleges, in the boasted wide
awake nineteenth century, who shall deny that we can
study with interest and profit the history of impositions
which have been practiced upon mankind in every pos
sible phase throughout every age of the world, includ
ing the age in which we live ? There is literally no end
to these humbugs ; and the reader of these pages,
weak as may be my attempts to do the subject jus
tice, will learn that there is no country, no period, and
380 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
no sphere in life which has not been impiously invaded
by the genius of humbug, under more disguises and in
more shapes than it has entered into the heart of man
to conceive.
CHAPTER XLV.
A RELIGIOUS HUMBUG ON JOHN BULL. JOANNA SOUTH-
COTT. THE SECOND SHILOH.
Joanna Southcott was born at St. Mary s Ottery
in Devonshire, about the year 1750. She was a plain,
stout-limbed, hard-fisted farmer lass, whose toils in the
field for her father was in but very moderate circum
stances had tawned her complexion and hardened
her muscles, at an early age. As she grew toward wo
man s estate, necessity compelled her to leave her home
and seek service in the city of Exeter, where for many
years, she plodded on very quietly in her obscure path,
first, as a domestic hireling, and subsequently as a wash
er woman.
I have an old and esteemed friend on Staten Island
whose father, still living, recollects Joanna well, as she
used to come regularly to his house of a Monday morn
ing, to her task of cleansing the family linen. He
was then but a little lad, yet he remembers her quite
well, with her stout, robust frame, and buxom and rath
er attractive countenance, and her queer ways. Even
then she was beginning to invite attention by her singu
lar manners and discourse, which led many to believe
her demented.
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 381
It was at Exeter that Joanna became religiously im
pressed, and joined the Wesleyan Methodists, as a strict
and extreme believer in the doctrines of that sect.
During her attendance upon the Wesleyan rites, she
became intimate with one Sanderson, who, whether a
designing rogue, or only a very fanatical believer, pre
tended that he had discovered in the good washerwoman
a Bible prodigy ; and it was not long before the poor
creature began literally, to " see sights " and dream
dreams of the most preternatural description, for which
Sanderson always had ready some very telling intepre-
tation. Her visions were of the most thoroughly u mix
ed " character withal, sometimes transporting her to the
courts of heaven, and sometimes to a very opposite re
gion, celebrated for its latent and active caloric. When
she ranged into the lower world, she had a very un
pleasant habit of seeing sundry, scoffers and unbelievers
(in herself) belonging to the congregation, in very close
but disadvantageous intercourse with the Evil One, who
was represented as having a particular eye to others
around her, even while they laid claim to special piety.
Of course, such revelations as these could not be toler
ated in any well regulated community, and when some
most astounding religious gymnastics performed by
Joanna in the midst of prayers and sermons, occurred
to heap up the measure of her offences, it became full
time to take the matter in hand, and the prophetess was
expelled. Now, those whom she had not served up
openly with brimstone, agreeing with her about those
whom she had thus " cooked," and delighted at. their
own exemption from that sort of dressing, seceded in
382 HUMBUGS OF THE WOULD.
considerable numbers, and became Joanna s followers.
This gave her a nucleus to work upon, and between
1790 and 1800, she managed to make herself known
throughout Britain, proclaiming that she was to be the
destined Mother of the Second Messiah, and although
originally quite illiterate, picking up enough general in
formation and Bible lore, to facilitate her publication of
several very curious, though sometimes incoherent
works. One of the earliest and most startling of these
was her "Warning to the whole World, from the Seal
ed Prophecies of Joanna Southcott, and other commu
nications given since the writings were opened on the
12th of January, 1803." This foretold the close
approach of the great red dragon of the Revelations,
" with seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns
upon his heads," and the birth of the " man-child who
was to rule all nations with a rod of iron."
In 1805, a shoemaker named Tozer built her a chap
el in Exeter at his own expense, and it was, from the
first, constantly rilled on service-days with eager wor
shipers. Here she gave exhortations, and prophesied in
a species of religious frenzy or convulsion, sometimes
uttering very heavy prose, and sometimes the most fear
ful doggrel rhyme resembling well perhaps our al
bum effusions here at home ! Indeed, I can think
of nothing else equally fearful. In these paroxysms,
Joanna raved like an ancient Pythoness whirling on her
tripod, and to just about the same purpose. Yet, it was
astonishing to see how the thing went down. Crowds
of intelligent people came from all parts of the United
Kingdom to listen, be converted, and to receive the
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 383
" seals" (as they were called) that secured their fortu
nate possessor unimpeded and immediate admission to
heaven. Of course, tickets so precious could not be giv
en away for nothing, and the seal trade in this new
form proved very lucrative.
The most remarkable of all these conversions was
that of the celebrated engraver, William Sharp, who,
notwithstanding his eminent position as an artist, by no
means bore out his name in other things. He had
previouslv become thoroughly imbued with the notions of
Swedenborg, Mesmer, and the famous Richard Broth
ers, and was quite ripe for anything fantastic. Such a
convert was a perfect godsend to Joanna, and she was
easily persuaded to accompany him to London, where
her congregations rapidly increased to enormous pro
portions, even rivaling those now summoned by the
" drum ecclesiastical" and orthodox of the Rev. Mr.
Spurgeon.
The whole sect extended until, in 1813, it numbered
no less than one hundred thousand members, signed and
" sealed " Mr. Sharp occupying a most conspicuous
position at the very footstool of the Prophetess. Late
in 1813, appeared the " Book of Wonders," " in five
parts," and it was a clincher. Poor Sharp came in
largely for the expenses, but valiantly stood his ground
against it all. At length, in 1814, the great Joanna
dazzled the eyes of her adherents and the world at large
with her " Prophecies concerning the Prince of Peace."
This delectable manifesto flatly announced to mankind
that the second Shiloh. so long expected, would be born
of the Prophetess at midnight, on October 19, in that
384 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
same year, i. e. 1814. The inspired writer was then
enceinte, although a virgin, as she expressly and solemn
ly declared, and in the sixty-fourth year of her age.
Among the other preternatural concomitants of this
anticipated eventful birth, was the fact that the period
of her pregnancy had lasted for several years.
Of course, this stupendous announcement threw the
whole sect into ecstasies of religious exultation ; while,
on the other hand, it afforded a fruitful subject of ridi
cule for the utterly irreverent London pamphleteers.
Poor Sharp, who had caused a magnificent cradle and
baby-wardrobe to be got ready at his own expense, was
most unmercifully scored. The infant was caricatured
with a long gray beard and spectacles, with Sharp in a
duster carefully rocking him to sleep, while Joanna the
Prophetess treated the engraver to some " cuts " in her
own style, with a bunch of twigs.
On the appointed night, the street in which Joanna
lived was thronged with the faithful, who, undeterred
by sarcasm, fully credited her prediction. They bi
vouacked on the side-walks in motley crowds of men,
women, and children ; and as the hours wore on, and
their interest increased, burst forth into spontaneous
psalmody. The adjacent thoroughfares were as densely
jammed with curious and incredulous spectators, and the
mutton pie and ballad businesses flourished extensively.
The interior of the house, with the exception of the
sick chamber, was illuminated in all directions, and the
dignitaries of the sect held the ante-rooms and cofVidors,
" in full fig," to receive the expected guest. But the
evening passed, then midnight came, then morning, but
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 385
alas ! no Shiloh ; and, little by little, the disappointed
throngs dispersed I Poor Joanna, however, kept her
bed, and finally, after many fresh paroxysms and
prophecies, on the 27th of December, 1814, gave
up the ghost the indefatigable Sharp still declar
ing that she had gone to heaven for a season, only to
legitimatize the unborn infant, and would re-arise again
from death, after four days, with the Shiloh in her arms.
So firm was this faith in him and many other respecta
ble persons, that the body of the Prophetess was re
tained in her house until the very last moment. When
the dissection demanded by the majority of the sect
could no longer be delayed, that operation was per
formed, and it was found that the subject had died of
ovarian dropsy ; but was as she had always main
tained herself to be a virgin. Dr. Reece, who had
been a devout believer, but was now undeceived, pub
lished a full account of this and all the other circum
stances of her death, and another equally earnest disci
ple bore the expenses of her burial at St. John s Wood,
and placed over her a tombstone with appropriate in
scriptions.
As late as 1863, there were many families of believers
still existing near Chatham, in Kent ; and even in this
country can here and there be found admirers of the
creed of Joanna Southcott, who are firmly convinced
that she will re-appear some fine morning, with San
derson on one side of her and Sharp on the other.
17
386 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
CHAPTER XLVI.
THE FIRST HUMBUG IN THE WORLD. ADVANTAGES
OF STUDYING THE IMPOSITIONS OF FORMER AGES.
HEATHEN HUMBUGS. THE ANCIENT MYSTERIES.
THE CABIRI. ELEUSIS. ISIS.
The domain of humbug reaches back to the Garden
of Eden, where the Father of lies practised it upon
our poor, innocent first grandmother, Eve. This was
the first and worst of all humbugs. But from that
eventful day to the present moment, falsehood, hypocri
sy,- deception, imposition, cant, bigotry, false appear
ances and false pretences, superstitions, and all con
ceivable sorts of humbugs, have had a full swing, and he
or she who watches these things most closelv, and re
flects most deeply upon these various peculiarities, bear
ings, and results, will be best qualified to detect and to
avoid them. For this reason, I should look upon my
self as somewhat of a public benefactor, in exposing
the humbugs of the world, if I felt competent to do the
subject full justice.
Next to the fearful humbug practiced upon our first
parents, came heathen humbugs generally. All heathen
ism and idolatry are one grand complex humbug to be
gin with. All the heathen religions always were, and
are still, audacious, colossal, yet shallow and foolish,
humbugs. The heathen humbugs were played off by
the priests, the shrewdest men then alive. It is a curi-
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 387
cms fact that the heathen humbugs were all solemn.
This was because they were intended to maintain the
existing religions, which, like all false religions, could
not endure ridicule. They always appealed to the
pious terrors of the public, as well as to its ignorance
and appetite for marvels. They offered nothing pleas
ant, nothing to love, nothing to gladden the heart and
lift it up in joyful gratitude, true adoration, and child
like confidence, prayer, and thanksgiving. On the con
trary, awful noises, fearful sights, frightful threats,
foaming at the mouth, dark sayings, secret processions,
bloody sacrifices, grim priests, costly offerings, sleeps in
darksome caverns to wait for a dream from the god
these were the machineries of the ancient heathen.
They were as crude and as ferocious as those of the
King of Dahomey, or of the barbarous negroes of the
Guinea coast. But they often show a cunning as keen
.and effective as that of any quack, or Philadelphia lawyer,
or Davenport Brother, or Jackson Davis of to-day.
The most prominent of the heathen humbugs were
the mysteries, the oracles, the sibyls (N. B., the word
is often mis-spelled sybils,) and augury. Every respect
able Pagan religion had some mysteries, just as every
respectable Christian family has a bible and, as an
ill-natured proverb has it, a skeleton. It was consid
ered a poor religion a one horse religion, so to speak
that had no mysteries.
The chief mysteries were those of the Cabiri, of
Eleusis, and of Isis. These mysteries used exactly the
same kind of machinery which proves so effective every
day in modern mysteries, viz., shows, processions, voices,
388 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
lights, dark rooms, frightful sights, solemn mummeries,
striking costumes, big talks and preachments, threats,
gabbles of nonsense, etc., etc.
The mysteries of the Cabiri are the most ancient of
which anything is known. These Cabiri were a sort
of " Original old Dr. Jacob Townsends " of divinities.
They were considered senior and superior to Jupiter,
Neptune, Plato, and the gods of Olympus. They
were Pelasgic, that is, they belonged to that unknown
ancient people from whom both the Greek and the
Latin nations are thought to have come. The Cabiri
afterward figured as the " elder gods " of Greece, the
inventors of religion, and of the human race in fact,
and were kept so very dark that it is not even known,
with any certainty, who they were. The ancient
heathen gods, like modern thieves, very usually objected
to pass by their real names. The Cabiri were particular
ly at home in Lemnos, and afterward in Samothrace.
Their mysteries were of a somew r hat unpleasant char
acter, as far as we know them. The candidate had to
pass a long time almost starved, and without any enjoy
ment whatever ; was then let into a dark temple,
crowned with olive, tied round with a purple girdle,
and frightened almost to death with horrid noises, ter
rible sights of some kind, great flashes of light and deep
darkness between, etc., etc. There was a ceremony of
absolution from past sin, and a formal beginning of a
new life. It is a curious fact, that this performance
seems to have been a kind of pious marine insurance
company ; as the initiated, it was believed, could not be
drowned. Perhaps they were put in a way to obtain a
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 389
drier strangulation. The reason why these ceremonies
were kept so successfully secret, is plain. Each man, as
he was let in, and found what nonsense it was, was sure
to hold his tongue and help the next man in, as in the
modern case of the celebrated " Sons of Malta." It is
to be admitted, however, to the credit of the Cabiri, that
a doctrine of reformation, or of living a better practical
life, seems to have been part of their religion. This is
an interesting recognition, by heathen consciences, of
one of the greatest moral truths which Christianity has
enforced. Something of the same kind can be traced
O
in other heathen mysteries. But these heathen at
tempts at virtue invariably rotted out into aggravations
of vice. No religion except Christianity ever con
tained the principle of improvement in it. Bugaboos
and hob-goblins may serve for a time to frighten the
ignorant into obedience ; but if they get a chance to
cheat the devil, they will be sure to do it. Nothing
but the great doctrine of Christian love and brother
hood, and of a kind and paternal Divine government,
has ever proved to be permanently reformatory, and
tending to lift the heart above the vices and passions to
which poor human nature is prone.
The mysteries of Eleusis were celebrated every year
at Eleusis, near Athens, in honor of Ceres, and were a
regular " May Anniversary," so to speak, for the pious
heathens of the period. It took just nine days to com
plete them ; long enough for a puppy to get its eyes
open. The candidates were very handsomely put
through. On the first day, they got together ; on the
second, they took a wash in the sea ; on the third, they
390 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
had some ceremonies about Proserpine ; on the fourth,
no mortal knows what they did ; on the fifth, they
marched round a temple, two and two, with torches,
like a Wide-Awake procession : on the sixth, seventh,
and eighth, there were more processions, and the initia
tion proper, said to have been something like that of
Free-masonry ; so that we may suppose the victims rode
the goat and were broiled on the gridiron. On the ninth
day, the ceremony, they say, consisted in overturning
two vessels of wine. I fear by this means that they all
got drunk ; and the more so, because the coins of Eleu-
sis have a hog on one side, as much as to say, We make
hogs of ourselves.
There was a set of mysteries at Athens, called Thes-
mophoria, and one at Rome, called the mysteries of the
Bona Dea, which were celebrated by married women
only. Various notions prevailed as to what they did.
But can there be any reasonable doubt about it ? They
were, I fear, systematic conspirators meetings, in which
the more experienced matrons instructed the junior ones
how to manage their husbands. If this was not their ob
ject, then it was to maintain the influence of the heath
en clergy over the heathen ladies. Women have always
been the constituents of priests where false religions
prevailed, as they have, for better purposes, of the min
isters of the Gospel among Christians.
The mysteries of the goddess Isis, which originated in
Egypt, were, in general, like those of Ceres at Eleusis.
The Persian mysteries of Mithra, which were very pop
ular during part of the latter days of the Roman empire,
were of the same sort. So were those of Bacchus, Juno,
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 391
Jupiter, and various other heathen gods. All of them
were celebrated with great solemnity and secrecy ; all
included much that was terrifying ; and all of their se
crets have been so faithfully kept that we have only
guesses and general statements about the details of the
performances. Their principal object seems to have
been to secure the initiated against misfortunes, and to
gain prosperity in the future. Some have imagined
that very wonderful and glorious truths were revealed
in the midst of these heathen humbugs. But I guess
that the more we find out about them, the bigger hum
bugs they will appear, as happened to the travelers who
held a post mortem on the great heathen god in the
story. This was a certain very terrible and powerful
divinity among some savage tribes, of whom dreadful
stories were told very authentic, of course! Some
unbelieving scamps of travelers, by unlawful ways, man
aged to get into the innermost sacred place of the tem
ple one night. They found the god to be done up in a
very large and suspicious looking bundle. Having sac
rilegiously cut the string, they unrolled one envelop
of mats and cloths after another, until they had taken
off more than a hundred wrappers. The god grew
smaller, and smaller, and smaller ; and the wonder of
the travelers what he could be, larger and larger. At
last, the very innermost of all the coverings fell off, and
the great heathen god was revealed in all his native
majesty. It was a cracked soda-water bottle ! This
indicates what is beyond all question the fact that
the heathen mysteries had their foundation in gas. In
deed, the whole composition of these impositions was,
392 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
gammon, deception, hypocrisy Humbug! Truly,
the science of Humbug is entitled to some considera
tion, simply for its antiquity, if for nothing else.
CHAPTER XLVII.
HEATHEN HUMBUGS NO. 2 HEATHEN STATED SERVICES.
ORACLES. SIBYLS. AUGURIES.
Something must be said about the Oracles, the Sibyls,
and the Auguries ; which, besides the mysteries else
where spoken of, were the chief assistant humbugs or
side shows used for keeping up the great humbug hea
then religion.
One word about the regular worship of heathenism ;
what maybe called their stated services. They had no
weekly day of worship, indeed no week, and no preach
ing such as ours is ; that is, no regular instruction by
the ministers of religion, intended for all the people.
They had singing and praying after their fashion ; the
singing being a sort of chant of praise to whatever idol
was under treatment at the time, and the praying being
in part vain repetitions of the name of their god, and
for the rest a request that the god would do or give
whatever was asked of him as a fair business transaction,
in return for the agreeable smell of the fine beef they
had just roasted under his nose, or for whatever else
they had given him ; as, a sum of money, a pair of pan
taloons (or whatever they wore instead,) a handsome
golden cup. This made the temple a regular shop,
RELIGIOUS* HUMBUGS. 393
where the priests traded off promised benefits for real
beef; coining blessings into cash on the nail ; a very
thorough humbug. Such public religious ceremonies
as the heathen had were mostly annual, sometimes
monthly. There were also daily ones, which were, how
ever, the daily business of the priests, and none of the
business of the laymen. To return to the subject.
All the heathen oracles, old and new (for abundance
of them are still agoing,) sibyls, auguries and all, show
how universally and naturally, and humbly and help
lessly too, poor human nature longs to see into the future,
and longs for help and guidance from some power, high
er than itself.
Thus considered, these shallow humbugs teach a use
ful lesson, for they constitute a strong proof of man s in
born natural recognition of some God, of some obligation
to a higher power,. of some disembodied existence; and
so they show a natural human want of exactly what the
Christian revelation supplies, and constitute a powerful
evidence for Christianity.
All the heathen religions, I believe, had oracles of
some kind. But the Greek and Latin ones tell the
whole story. Of these there were over a hundred ;
more than twenty of Apollo, who was the god of sooth
saying, divination, prophecy, and of the supernatural side
of heathen humbug generally ; thirty or forty collectively
of Jupiter, Ceres, Mercury, Pluto, Juno, Ino (a very
good name for a goddess that gave oracles, though she
didn t know !) Faunus, Fortune, Mars, etc., and nearly
as many of demi-gods, heroes, giants, etc., such as Am-
phiaraus, Amphilochus, Trophonius, Geryon, Ulysses,
17*
894 HUMBUGS OF HE WORLD.
Calchas, JEsculapius, Hercules, Pasiphae, Phr} T xus, etc.
The most celebrated and most patronized of them all was
the great oracle of Apollo, at Delphi. The " little fee "
appears to have been the only universal characteristic of
the proceedings for obtaining an answer from the god.
Whether you got your reply in words spoken by the rat
tling of an old pot, by observing an ox s appetite, throw
ing dice, or sleeping for a dream, your own proceedings
were essentially the same. u Terms invariably net cash
in advance or its equivalent." A fine ox or sheep sacri
ficed was cash ; for after the god had had his smell
(those ladies and gentlemen appear to have eaten as
they say the Yankees talk through their noses,) all
the rest was put carefully away by the reverend clergy
for dinner, and saved so much on the butcher s bill. If
your credit was good, you might receive your oracle and
afterward send in any little acknowledgment in the form
of a golden goblet, or statue, or vase, or even of a remit
tance in specie. Such gifts accumulated in the oracle at
Delphi and to an immense amount, and to the great
emolument of Brennus, a matter of fact Gaulish com
mander, who, at his invasion of Greece, coolly carried
off all the bullion, without any regard to the screeches
of the Pythoness, and with no more scruples than any
burglar.
The Delphian oracle w r orked through a woman, who,
on certain days, went and sat on a three-legged stool
over a hole in the ground in Apollo s temple. This
hole sent out gas ; which, instead of being used like
that afforded by holes in the ground at Fredonia, N. Y.,
to illuminate the village, was much more shrewdly em-
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 395
ployed by the clerical gentlemen to shine up the knowl
edge-boxes of their customers, and introduce the glitter
of gold into their own pockets. I merely throw out the
hint to any speculating Fredonian who owns a hole in
the ground. Well, the Pythia, as this female was termed,
warmed up her understanding over this hole, as you
have seen ladies do over the register of a hot-air fur
nace, and becoming excited, she presently began to be
drunk or crazy, and in her fit she gabbled forth some
words or noises. These the priests took down, and then
told the customer that the noises meant so-and-so !
When business was brisk they worked two Pythias, turn
and turn about (or, as they say at sea, watch and watch),
and kept a third all cocked and primed in case of acci
dent, besides ; for this gas sometimes gave the priest
ess (literally) fits, which killed her in a few days.
Other oracles gave answers in many various ways.
The priest quietly wrote down whatever answer he
chose ; or inspected the insides of a slaughtered beast,
and said that the bowels meant this and that. At Tel-
messus the inquirer peeped into a well, where he must
see a picture in the water which was his answer ; at any
rate, if this wouldn t do he got none. This plan was
evidently based on the idea that " truth is at the bottom
of a well." At Dodona, they hung brass pots on the
trees and translated the banging these made when the
O ?
wind blew them together. At PheraB, you whispered
your question in the ear of the image of Mercury, and
then shutting your ears until you got out of the market
place, the first remark you heard from anybody was the
answer, and you might make the best of it. At Pluto s
396 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
oracle at Charae, the priest took a dream, and in the
mornino; told you what he chose. In the cave of Tro-
<5 /
phonius, after various terrifying performances, they
pulled you through a hole the wrong way of the feath
ers, and then back again, and then stuck you upon a
seat, and made you write down your own oracle, being
what you had seen, which would, I imagine, usually be
" the elephant."
And so-forth, and so on. Humbug ad libitum !
Like some of the more celebrated modern fortune
tellers, the managers of the oracles were frequently
shrewd fellows, and could often pick up the materials
of a very smart and judicious answer from the appear
ance of the customer and his question. Very often the
answer was sheer nonsense. It was, in fact, believed by
many that as a rule you couldn t tell what the response
meant until after it was fulfilled, when you were ex
pected to see it. In many cases the answers were ingen
iously arranged, so as to mean either a good or evil re
sult, one of which was pretty likely.
Thus, one of the oracles answered a general who
asked after the fate of his campaign as follows : (the
ancients, remember, using no punctuation marks)
" Thou shalt go thou shalt return never in war shalt
thou perish." The point becomes visible when you
first make a pause before " never," and then after it.
On a similar occasion, the Delphic oracle told Croe
sus that if he crossed the River Halys he would over
throw a great empire. This empire he chose to under
stand as that of Cyrus, whom he was going to fight.
It came out the other way, and it was his own empire
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 397
that was overthrown. The immense wisdom of the
oracle, however, was tremendously respected in conse
quence !
Pyrrhus, of Epirus, on setting off against the Ro
mans, received equal satisfaction, the Pythia telling him
(in Latin) what amounted to this :
" I say that you Pyrrhus the Romans are able to
conquer ! "
Pyrrhus took it as he wished it, but found himself sad
ly thimble-rigged, the little joker being under the wrong
cup. The Romans beat him, and most wofully too.
Trajan was advised to consult the oracle at Heliopo-
lis, about his intended expedition against the Parthians.
The custom was to send your query in a letter ; so
Trajan sent a blank note in an envelope. The god
(very naturally) sent back a blank note in reply, which
was thought wonderfully smart ; and so the imperial
dupe sent again, a square question :
" Shall I finish this war and get safe back to Rome ? "
The Heliopolitan humbug replied by sending a piece
of an old grape-vine cut into pieces, which meant
either : " You will cut them up," or " They will cut
you up ; " and Trajan, like the little boy at the peep-
show who asked : " which is Lord Wellington and which
O
is the Emperor Napoleon ? " had paid his penny and
might take his choice.
Sometimes the oracles were quite jocular. A man
asked one of them how to get rich ? The oracle said :
" Own all there is between Sicyon and Corinth."
Which places are some fifteen miles apart.
Another fellow asked how he should cure his gout ?
398 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
The oracle coolly said : " Drink nothing but cold wa
ter ! "
The Delphic oracle, and some of the others, used for
a long time to give their answers in verses. At last,
however, irreverent critics of the period made so much
fun of the peculiarly miserable style of this poetry,
that the poor oracle gave it up and came down to plain
prose. Every once in a while some energetic and cun
ning man, of skeptical character, insisted on having just
such an answer as he wanted. It was well known that
Philip of Macedon bought what responses he wished at
Delphi. Anybody with plenty of money, who would
quietly " see " the priests, could have such a response as
he chose. Or, if he was a bull-headed, hard-fisted
fighting-man, of irreligious but energetic mind, the
priests gave him what he wished, out of fear. When
Themistocles wanted to encourage the Greeks against
the Persians, he " fixed " Delphi by bribes. When Al
exander the Great came to consult the same oracle, the
Pythia was disinclined to perform. But Alexander
rather roughly gave her to understand that she must,
and she did. The Greek and Roman oracles finally all
gave out not far from the time of Christ s coming, hav
ing gradually become more or less disreputable for many
years.
All the heathen nations, as I have said, had their
oracles too. The heathen Scandinavians had a famous
one at Upsal. The Getae, in Scythia, had one. The
Druids had them ; so did the Mexican priests. The
Egyptian and Syrian divinities had them ; in short,
oracles were quite as necessary as mysteries, and con-
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 399
tinne so in heathen religions. The only exception, I
believe, is in Mohammedanism, whose votaries save
themselves any trouble about the future by their thor
ough fatalism. They believe so fully and vividly that
everything is immovably predestinated, being at the
same time perfectly sure of heaven at last, that they
quietly receive everything as it comes, and don t take
the least trouble to find out how it is coming.
The Sibyls were women, supposed to be inspired by
some divinity, who prophesied of the future. Same
say there was but one ; some two, three, four, or ten.
All sorts of obscure stories are told about the time and
place of their activity. There was the Persian or Chal
dean, who is said to have foretold with many details the
coming and career of Christ; the Lybian, the Delphic,
the Cnmaean, much honored by the Romans, and half
a dozen more. Then there was Mantho, the daughter
of Tiresias, who w r as sent from Thebes to Delphi in a
bag, seven hundred and twenty years before the de
struction of Troy. These ladies lived in caves, and
among them are said to have composed the Sibylline
books, which contained the mysteries of religion, were
carefully kept out of sight at Rome, and finally came
into the hands of the Emperor Constantine. They
were burned, one story has it, about fifty years after
his death. But there are some Sibylline books extant,
which, however, are among the most transparent of
humbugs, for they are full of all sorts of extracts and
statements from the Old and New Testaments. I do
not believe there ever were any Sibyls. If there were
any, they were probably ill-natured and desperate old
400 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
maids, who turned so sour-tempered that their friends
had to drive them off to live by themselves, and who,
under these circumstances, went to work and wrote
books.
I must crowd in here a word or two about the Au
guries and the Augurs. These gentlemen were a sort
of Roman priests, who were accustomed to foretell fu
ture events, decide on coming good or bad fortune,
whether it would do to go on with the elections, to be
gin any enterprise or not, etc., by means of various
signs. These were thunder ; the way any birds hap
pened to fly ; the way that the sacred chickens ate ;
the appearance of the entrails of beasts sacrificed, etc.,
etc. These augurs were, for a long time, much re
spected in Rome, but, at last, the more thoughtful peo
ple lost their belief in them, and they became so ridicu
lous that Cicero, who was himself one of them, said he
could not see how one augur could look another in the
face without laughing.
It is humiliating to reflect how long and how exten
sively such barefaced and monstrous humbugs as these
have maintained unquestioned authority over almost
the whole race of man. Nor has humanity, by any
means, escaped from such debasing slavery now ; for
millions and millions of men still believe and practice
forms and ceremonies even more absurd, if possible,
than the Mysteries, Oracles, and Auguries.
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS.
401
CHAPTER XLVIII.
MODERN HEATHEN HUMBUGS. FETISHISM. OBI.
VAUDOUX. INDIAN POWWOWS. LAMAISM. REVOLV
ING PRAYERS. PRAYING TO DEATH.
A scale of superstition and religious beliefs of to-day,
arranged from the lowest to the highest, would show
many curious coincidences with another scale, which
should trace the history of superstitions and religious
beliefs backward in time toward -the origin of man.
Thus, for instance, the heathen humbugs, whether re
volting or ridiculous, which I am to speak of in this
chapter, are in full blast to day ; and they furnish perfect
specimens of the beliefs which prevailed among the
heathen of four thousand and of eighteen .hundred
years ago ; of the Chaldee and Canaanite superstitions,
and equally of those of the Romans under Augustus
Caesar.
The most dirty, vulgar, low, silly and absurd of all
the superstitions in the world are, as is natural, those of
the darkest minded of all the heathen, who have any
superstition at all. For, as if for the .humiliation of
our proud human nature, there are really some human
beings who seem to have too little intellect even to rise
to the height of a superstition. Such are the Andaman
Islanders, who crawl on all fours, wear nothing but a
plaster of mud to keep the musquitos off, eat bugs, and
grubs, and ants, and turn their children out to shift for
402 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
themselves as soon as the little wretches can learn to
crawl and eat bugs.
These lowest of superstitions are Fetishism and Obi,
believed and practiced bynegro tribes, and, remember
this, even by their ignorant white mistresses in the
West Indies and in the United States, to day. Yes, I
know where Southern refugee secessionist women are
living in and about New York city at this moment, who
really believe in the negro witchcraft called Obi, prac
ticed by the slaves.
A Fetish is anything not a living being, worshiped
because supposed to be inhabited by some god. In some
parts of Africa the Fetishes are a sort of guardian divin
ity, and there is one for each district like a town con
stable ; and sometimes one for each family. The Fetish
is any stone picked up in the street a tree, a chip, a
rag. It may be some stone or wooden image an old
pot, a knife, a feather. Before this precious divinity
the poor darkeys bow down and worship, and sometimes,
sacrifice a sheep or a rooster. Each more important Fe
tish has a priest, and here is where the humbug comes
in. This gentleman lives on the offerings made to the
Fetish, and he " exploits " his god, as a Frenchman
would say, with great profit.
Obi or Obeah, is the name of the witchcraft of the ne
gro tribes ; and the practitioner is termed an Obi-man or
Obi- woman. They practice it at home in Africa, and car
ry it with them to continue it when they are made slaves
in other lands. Obi is now practiced, as I have already
hinted, in Cuba and in the Southern States, and is believ
ed in by the more ignorant and foolish white people, as
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 403
much as by their barbarous slaves. Obi is used only to
injure, and the way to perform it upon your enemy is,
to hire the Obi man or woman to concoct a charm, and
then to hide this, or cause it to be hidden, in some place
about the person or abode of the victim where lie will
find it. He is expected thereupon to fall ill, to wither
and waste away, and so to die.
Absurd as it may seem, this cursing business operates
with a good deal of certainty on the poor negroes, who
fall sick instantly on finding the ball of Obi, two or
three inches in diameter, hidden in their bed, or in the
roof, or under the threshold, or in the earthen floor of
their huts. The poor wretches become dejected, lose
appetite, strength, and spirits, grow thin and ill, and
really wither away and die. It is a curious fact, how
ever, that if under these circumstances you can cause
one of them to become converted to Christianity, or
to become a Christian by profession, he becomes at
once free from the witches dominion and quickly re
covers.
The ball of Obi or, as it is called among the Bra
zilian negroes, Mandinga may be made of various
materials, always, I believe, including some which are
disgusting or horrible. Leaves of trees and scraps of
rag may be used ; ashes, usually from bones or flesh of
some kind ; pieces of cats bones and skulls, feathers,
hair, earth, or clay, which ou<Hit to be from a orave ;
teeth of men and of snakes, alligators or other beasts:
vegetable gum, or other sticky stuff; human blood,
pieces of eggshell, etc., etc. This mixture is curiously
like that in the witches caldron in Macbeth, which,
404 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
among other equally toothsome matters, contained frogs
toes, bats wool, lizards legs, owlets wings, wolfs teeth,
witches mummy, Jew s liver, tigers bowels, and lastly,
as a sort of thickening to the gravy, baboon s blood.
A creole lady, now at the North, recently told a
friend of mine that " the negroes can put some pieces
of paper, or powder, or something or other in your
shoes, that will make you sick, or make you do anything
they want I " The poor foolish woman told this with a
face full of.-awe and eyes wide open. Another lady
known to me, long resident at the South, tells me that
the belief in this sort of devilism is often found among
the white people.
The practices called Vaudoux < >r Voudoux, are a sort
of Obi ; being, like that, an invoking of the aid of some
god to do what the worshipers wish. The Vaudoux
humbug is quite prevalent in Cuba, Hayti, and other
West India islands, where there are wild negroes, or
where they are still imported from Africa. There is
also a good deal of this sort of humbug among the
slaves in New Orleans, and cases arising from it have
recently quite often appeared in the police reports in the
newspapers of that city.
The Vaudoux worshipers assemble secretly, with a
kind of chief witch or mistress of ceremonies ; there is
a boiling caldron of hell-broth, a la Macbeth ; the vo
taries dance naked around their soup ; amulets and
charms are made and distributed. During a quarter of
a century last past, some hundreds of these orgies have
been broken up by the New Orleans police, and prob-
bably as many more have come off as per programme.
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 405
The Yaudoux processes are most frequently appealed to
for the purposes of some unsuccessful or jealous lover ;
and the Creole ladies believe in Vaudouxism as much as
in Obi.
In the West Indies, the Vaudoux orgies are more
savage than in this country. It is but a little while
since in Hayti, under the energetic and sensible admin
istration of President Geffrard, eight Vaudoux worship
ers were regularly tried and executed for having mur
dered a young girl, the niece of two of them, by way of
human sacrifice to the god. They tied the poor child
tight, put her in a box called a humfort, fed her with
some kind of stuff for four days, and then deliberately
strangled her, beheaded her, flayed her, cooked the
head with yams, ate of the soup, and then performed a
solemn dance and chant around an altar with the skull
on it.
The Caffres in Southern Africa have a kind of hum
bug somewhat like the Obi-men, who are known as rain
makers. These gentlemen furnish what blessing and
cursing may be required for other purposes ; but as
that country is liable to tremendous droughts, their
best business is to make rain. This they do by various
prayers and ceremonies, of which the most important
part is, receiving a large fee in advance from the cus
tomer. The rain-making business, though very lucra
tive, is not without its disadvantages ; for whenever
Moselekatse, or Dingaan, or any other chief sets his rain
maker at work, and the rain was not forthcoming as
per application, the indignant ruler caused an assegai or
two to be stuck through the wizard, for the encourage-
406 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
ment of the other wizards. This was not so unreason
able as it may seem ; for if the man could not make
rain when it was wanted, what was he good for ?
The ceremonies of the pow-wows or medicine-men of
the North American Indians, are less brutal than the Af
rican ones. These soothsayers, like the Obi-men, pre
pared charms for their customers, usually, however, not
so much to destroy others as to protect the wearer.
These charms consist of some trifling matters tied up in
a small bag, the " medicine-bag," which is to be worn
round the neck, and will,- it is supposed, insure the wear
er the special help and protection of the Great Spirit-
The pow-wows sometimes do a little in the cursing line.
There is a funny story of a Puritan minister in the
early times of New England, who coolly defied one of
the most famous Indian magicians to play off his infer
nal artillery. A formal meeting was had, and the pow
wow rattled his traps, howled, danced, blew feathers,
and vociferated jargon until he was perfectly exhaust
ed, the old minister quietly looking at him all the time.
The savage humbug w r as dumbfounded, but quickly
recovering his presence of mind, saved his home-reputa
tion by explaining to the red gentlemen in breech-cloths
and nose-rings, that the Yankee ate so much salt that
curses wouldn t take hold on him at all.
The Shamans (or Schamans) of Siberia, follow a
very similar business, but are not so much priestly hum
bugs as mere conjurors. The Lamas, or Buddhist lead
ers of Central and Southern Asia are, however, regular
priests, again, and may be said, with singular propriety,
to " run their machine " on principles of thorough reli-
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 407
gious humbug, for they do really pray by a machine.
They set up a little mill to go by water or wind, which
turns a cylinder. On this cylinder is written a prayer,
and every time the barrel goes round once, it counts,
they say, for one prayer. It may be imagined how
piety intensifies in a freshet, or in a heavy gale of wind |
And there is a ludicrous notion of economy, as well as a
pitiable folly in the conception of profiting by such
windy supplications, and of saving all one s time and
thoughts for business, while the prayers rattle out by the
hundred at home. Only imagine the pious fervor of
one of these priests in a first-class Lowell mill, of say a
hundred thousand spindles. Print a large edition of
some good prayer and paste a copy on each spindle, and
the place would seem to him the very gate of a Buddhist
heaven. He would feel sure of taking heaven by
storm, with a sustained fire of one hundred thousand
prayers every second. His first requisite for a prosper
ous church would be a good water-power for prayer-
mills. And yet, absurd as these prayer-mills of the
heathen really are, it may not be safe to bring them un
der unqualified condemnation : for who among us has
not sometimes heard windy prayers even in our Chris
tian churches ? Young clergymen are especially liable
and, I might say, prone to this mockery. These, how
ever, are but exceptions to the general Christian rule,
viz. : that the Omniscient careth only for heart-service ;
and that, before Him, all mere lip-service or machine-
service, is simply an abomination.
A less innocent kind of praying is one of the religious
humbugs of the bloody and cruel Sandwich Islands form
408 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
of heathenism. Here a practice prevailed, and does yet,
of paving money to a priest to pray your enemy to
death. For cash in advance, this bargain could always
be made, and so groveling was the spiritual cowardice
of these poor savages, that, like the negro victim of Obi,
the man prayed at seldom failed to sicken as soon as he
found out what was going on, and to waste away
and die.
This bit of heathen humbug now in operation, from so
many distant portions of the earth, shows how radically
similar is all heathenism. It shows, too, how mean, vul
gar, filthy, and altogether vile, is such religion as man,
unassisted, contrives for himself. It shows, again, how
sadly great is the proportion of the human race still
remaining in this brutal darkness. And, by contrast, it
affords us great reason for thankfulness that we live in
a land of better culture, and happier hopes and practices.
CHAPTER XLIX.
ORDEALS. DUELS. WAGER OF BATTLE. - ABRAHAM
THORNTON. RED HOT IRON. BOILING WATER.
SWIMMING. SWEARING. CORSNED. PAGAN OR
DEALS.
Ordeals belono- to times and communities of rudeness,
?T>
violence, materialism, ignorance, gross superstition and
blind faith. The theory of ordeals is, that God will
miraculously decide in the case of any accused person
referred to Him. He will cause the accused to be vie-
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 409
torious or defeated in a duel, will punish him on the
spot for perjury, and if the innocent be exposed to cer
tain physical dangers, will preserve him harmless.
The duel, for instance, used to be called the " ordeal
by battle," and was simply the commitment of the de
cision of a cause to God. Duels were regularly pre
faced by the solemn prayer " God show the right."
Now-a-days nobody believes that skill with a pistol is
going to be specially bestowed by the Almighty, with
out diligent practice at a mark. Accordingly, the idea
of a divine interposition has long ago dropped out of
the question, and duelling is exclusively in the hands
of the devil and his human votaries, is a purely bru
tal absurdity. But in England, so long was this bloody,
superstitious humbug kept up, that any hardened scoun
drel who was a good hand at his weapon might, down
to the year 1819, absolutely have committed murder
under the protection of English law. Two years be
fore that date, a country " rough " named Abraham
Thornton, murdered his sweetheart, Mary Ashford,
but by deficiency of proof was acquitted on trial. There
was however a moral conviction that Thornton had
killed the girl, and her brother, a mere lad, caused an
appeal to be entered according to the English statute,
and Thornton was a^aiii arraigned before the Kind s
O O CT>
Bench. In the mean time his counsel had looked up
the obsolete proceedings about " assize of battle," arid
when Thornton was placed at the bar he threw down
his glove upon the floor according to the ancient forms,
and challenged his accuser to mortal combat. In reply,
the appellant, Ashford, set forth facts so clearly showing
18
410 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
Thornton s guilt as to constitute (as be alleged,) cause
for exemption from the combat, and for condemnation
of the prisoner. The court, taken by surprise, spent
five months in studying on the matter. At last it de
cided that the fighting man had the law of England on
his side, admitted his demand, and further, found that
the matters alleged for exemption from combat were
not sufficient. On this, poor William Ashford, who
was but a boy, declined the combat by reason of his
youth, and the prisoner was discharged, and walked in
triumph out of court, the innocent blood still unaveng
ed upon his hands. The old fogies of Parliament were
startled at finding themselves actually permitting the
practice of barbarisms abolished by the Greek emperor,
Michael Palaeologus, in 1259, and by the good King
Louis IX of France in 1270 ; and two years after
wards, in 1819, the legal duel or " assize of battle " was
by law abolished in England. It had been legal there
for five centuries and a half, having been introduced by
statute in 1261.
Before that time, the ordeals by fire and by water
were the regular legal ones in England. These were
known even to the Anglo Saxon law, being mentioned
in the code of Ina, A. D., about 700. It appears that
fire was thought the most aristocratic element, for the
ordeal by fire was used for nobles, and that by water
for vulgarians and serfs. The operations were as fol
lows : When one was accused of a crime, murder for
instance, he had his choice whether to be tried " by
God and his country," or " by God." If he chose the
former he went before a jury. If the latter, he under-
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS.
went the ordeal. Nine red hot ploughshares were laid
on the ground in a row. The accused was blindfolded,
and sent to walk over them. If he burnt himself he
was guilty ; if not, not. Sometimes, instead of this,
the accused carried a piece of red hot iron of from one
to three pounds weight in his hand for a certain dis
tance.
The ordeal by water was, in one form at least, the
same wise alternative in after years so often offered to
witches. The accused was tied up in a heap, each arm
to the other leg, and flung into water. If he floated
he was guilty, and must be killed. If he sank and
drowned, he was innocent but killed. Trial was
therefore synonymous with execution. The nature of
such alternatives shows how important it was to have
a character above suspicion ! Another mode was, for
the accused to plunge his bare arm into boiling water
to the elbow. The arm was then instantly sealed up
in bandages under charge of the clergy for three days.
If it was then found perfectly well, the accused was
acquitted ; if not, he was found guilty.
Another ordeal was expurgation or compurgation.
It was a simple business "as easy as swearing;"
very much like a " custom house oath." It was only
this : the accused made solemn oath that he was not
guilty, and all the respectable men he could muster
came and made their solemn oath that they believed so
too. This is much like the jurisprudence of the Dutch
justice of the peace in the old story, before whom two
men swore that they saw the prisoner steal chickens.
The thief however, crettino; a little time to collect tes-
412 HUMBUGS OF THE V, ORLD.
timony, brought in twelve men who swore that they
did not see him take the chickens. " Balance of evi
dence overwhelmingly in favor of the prisoner,* said
the sapient justice (in Dutch I suppose,) and finding
him innocent in a ratio of six to one, he discharged
him at once.
This ordeal by oath was reserved for people of emi
nence, whose word went for something, and who had a
good many thorough-going friends.
Another sort of ordeal was reserved for priests. It
was called corsned. The priest who took the ordeal by
corsned received a bit of bread or a bit of cheese which
was loaded heavily, by way of sauce, with curses upon
whomsoever should eat it falsely. This he ate, togeth
er with the bread of the Lord s supper. Everybody
knew that if he were guilty, the sacred mouthful would
choke him to death on the spot. History records no
instance of the choking of any priest in this ordeal, but
there is a story that the Saxon Earl Godwin of Kent
took the corsned to clear himself of a charge of mur
der, and (being a layman) was choked. I fully be
lieve that Earl Godwin is dead, for he was born about
the year 1000. But I have not the least idea that
corsned killed him.
The priests had the management of ordeals, which,
being appeals to God, were reckoned religious ceremo
nies. They of course much preferred the swearing and
eating and hot iron and water ordeals, which could be
kept under the regulation of clerical good sense. Not
so with the ordeal by battle. No priests could do any
thing with the wrath of two great mad ugly brutes,
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 413
hot to kill each other, and crazy to risk having their
own throats cut or skulls cleft rather than not have the
chance. In consequence, the whole influence of the
Romish church went against the ordeal by battle, and
in favor of the others. Thus the former soon lost its
religious element and became the mere duel ; abase in
dulgence of a beast s passion for murder and revenge.
The progress of enlightenment gradually pushed or
deals out of court. Mobs have however always tried
the ordeal by water on witches.
Almost all the heathen ordeals have depended on fire,
water, or something to eat or drink. Even in the Bible
we find an ordeal prescribed to the Jews (Number^,
chap v.,) for an unfaithful wife, who is there directed
to drink some water with certain ceremonies, which
drink God promises shall cause a fatal disease if she be
guilty, and if not, not. It is worth noticing that Moses
says not a word about any " water of jealousy," or any
other ordeal, for unfaithful husbands !
This drinking or eating ordeal prevails quite exten
sively even now. In Hindostan, theft is often enquir
ed into by causing the suspected party to chew some
dry rice or rice flour, which has some very strong curses
stirred into it, corsned fashion. After chewing, the ac
cused spits out his mouthful, and if it is either dry or
bloody, he is guilty. It is easy to see how a rascal, if
as credulous as rascals often are, would be so frightened
that his mouth would be dry, and would thus betray his
o\vn peccadillo. Another Hindoo mode was, to give a
certain quantity of poison in butter, and if it did no
harm, to acquit. Here, the man who mixes the dose
414 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
is evidently the important person. In Madagascar they
give some tangena water. Now tangena is a fruit of
which a little vomits the patient, and a good deal poisons
or kills him ; a quality which sufficiently explains how
they manage that ordeal.
Ordeals by fire and water are still practiced, with
some variations, in Hindostan, China, Pegu, Siberia,
Congo, Guinea, Senegambia and other pagan nations.
Some of those still in use are odd enough. A Malabar
one is to swim across" a certain river, which is full of
crocodiles. A Hindoo one is, for the two parties to
r,n accusation to stand out doors, each with one bare
leg in a hole, he to win who can longest endure the
bites they are sure to get. This would be a famous
method in some of the New Jersey and New York and
Connecticut seashore lowlands I know of. The mosqui
toes would decide cases both civil and criminal, at a
speed that would make a Judge of the Supreme Court
as dizzy as a humming-top. Another Hindoo plan
was for the accused to hold his head under water while
a man walked a certain distance. If the walker chose
to be lazy about it, or the prisoner had diseased lungs,
this would be a rather severe method. The Wanakas
in Eastern Africa, draw a red hot needle through the
culprit s lips a most judicious place to get hold of an
African ! and if the wound bleeds, he is guilty. In
Siam, accuser and accused are put into a pen and a ti
ger is let loose on them. He whom the tiger kills is
guilty. If he kills both, both are guilty ; if neither,
they try another mode.
Blackstone says that an ordeal might always be tried
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 415
by attorney. I should think this would give the le
gal profession a very lively time whenever the courts
were chiefly using tigers, poison, drowning, fire and
red hot iron, but not so much so when a little swearing
or eating was the only thing required.
This whole business of ordeals is a singular supersti
tion, and the extent of its employment shows how
ready the human race is to believe that God is constant
ly influencing even their ordinary private affairs. In oth
er words, it is in principle like the doctrine of " special
providence." Looked at as a superstition however
considered as a humbug the history of ordeals show
how corrupt becomes the nuisance of religious ways of
deciding secular business, and how proper is our great
American principle of the separation of state and
church.
CHAPTER L.
APOLLONIUS OF TYANA.
The annals of ancient history are peculiarly rich in
narratives of pretension and imposition, and either ow
ing to the greater ignorance and credulity of mankind,
or the superior skill of gifted but unscrupulous men in
those days, present a few examples that even surpass the
most remarkable products of the modern science of
humbug.
One of their most surprising instances in fact, per
haps, absolutely the leading impostor was the sage or
416 m HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
charlatan (for it is difficult to determine which) known
as Apollomus Tyana3us so called from Tyana, in Cap-
padocia, Asia Minor, his birthplace, where he first saw
the light about four years earlier than Christ, and con
sequently more than eighteen and a halt centuries ago.
His arrival upon this planet was attended with some
very amazing demonstrations. With his first cry, a
flash of lightning darted from the heavens to the earth
and hack again, dogs howled, cats mewed, roosters crow
ed, and flocks of swans, so say the olden chroniclers
probably geese, every one of them clapped their
wings in the adjacent meadows with a supernatural clat
ter. Ushered into the world with such surprising omens
as these, young Apollonius could not fail to make a
noise himself, ere long. Sent by his doting father to
Tarsus, in Cilicia, to be educated, he found the dissipa
tions of the place too much for him, and soon removed
to ^Egse, a smaller city, at no great distance from the
other. There he adopted the doctrines of Pythagoras,
and subjected himself to the regular discipline of that
curious system whose first process was a sort of juvenile
gag-law, the pupils being required to keep perfectly silent
for a period of five years, during which time it was for
bidden to utter a single word. Even in those days, few
female scholars preferred this practice, and the boys had
it all to themselves, nor were they by any means nu
merous. After this probation was over, they were en
joined to speak and argue with moderation.
At JEga3 there stood a temple dedicated to ^Escula-
pius, who figured on earth as a great physician and com-
pounder of simples, and after death was made a god. The
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 417
edifice was much larger and more splendid than the
Brandreth House on Broadway, although we have no
record of JEsculapius having bestowed upon the world
any such benefaction as the universal pills. However,
unlike our modern M. D.s, the latter was in the habit of
re-appearing after death, in this temple, and there hold
ing forth to the faithful on various topics of domestic
medicine. Apollonius was allowed to take up his res
idence in the establishment, and, no doubt, the priests
initiated him into all their dodges to impose upon the
people. Another tenet of the Pythagorean faith was a
total abstinence from beans, an arrangement which
would be objectionable in New England and in Nassau
street eating houses.
Apollonius however, who knew nothing of Yankees or
Nassau street, manfully completed his novitiate. Re
stored at length to the use of beans and of his talking
apparatus, he set forth upon a lecturing tour through
Pamphylia and Cilicia. His themes were temperance,
economy, and good behavior, and for the very novelty
of the thing, crowds of disciples soon gathered about
him. At the town of Aspenda he made a great hit,
when he " pitched into " the corn merchants who had
bought up all the grain during a period of scarcity, and
sold it to the people at exorbitant prices. Of course,
such things are not permitted in our day ! Apollonius
moved by the sufferings of women and children, took his
stand in the market place, and with his stylus wrote in
large characters upon a tablet the following advice to
the speculators in grain :
" The earth, the common mother of all, is just.
18*
118 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
But, ye being unjust, would make her a bountiful moth
er to yourselves alone. Leave off your dishonest traffic,
or ye sha*ll be no longer permitted to live."
The grain-merchants, upon beholding this appeal, re
lented, for there was conscience in those days ; and,
moreover, the populace had prepared torches, and pro
posed to fry a few of the offenders, like oysters in
bread-crumbs. So they yielded at once, and ereat was
the fame of the prophet. Thus elevated in his own
opinion, Apollonius, still preaching virtue by the way
side, set out for Babylon, after visiting the cities of
Antioch, Ephesus, etc., always attracting immense
crowds. As he penetrated further toward the remote
East, his troops of followers fell off , until he was left
with only three companions, who went with him to the
end. One of these was a certain Damis, who wrote a
description of the journey, and, by the way, tells us
that his master spoke all languages, even those of the
animals. We have men in our own country who can
talk " horse-talk " at the races, but probably none so
perfectly as this great Tyanean. The author of " The
Ruined Cities of Africa," a recent publication, informs
us that at Lamba, an African village, there is a leopard
who can " speak." This would go to show that the
" animals," are aspiring in a direction directly the op
posite of the acquirements of Apollonius, and I shall
secure that leopard, if possible, for exhibition in the
Museum, and for a fair consideration send him to any
public meeting where some one is needed who will
come up to the scratch !
But, to resume. On his way to Babylon, Apollonius
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 419
saw by the roadside a lioness and eight whelps, where
they had been killed by a party of hunters, and argued
from the omen that he should remain in that city just
one year and eight months, which of course turned out
to be exactly the case. The Babylonish monarch was
so delighted with the eloquence and skill of the noted
stranger, that he promised him any twelve gifts that he
might choose to ask for. but Apollonius declined accept
ing anything but food and raiment. However, the
King gave him camels and escort to assist his journey
over the northern mountains of Hindostan, which he
crossed, and entered the ancient city of Taxilia. On
the way, he had a high time in the gorges of the hills
with a horrible hobgoblin of the species called empusa
by the Greeks. This demon terrified his companions
half out of their wits, but Apollonius bravely assailed
him with all sorts of hard words, and, to literally trans
late the old Greek narrative, " blackguarded " him so
effectually that the poor devil fled with his tail between
his legs. At Taxilia, Phraortes, the King, a lineal de
scendant of the famous Porus and truly a porous
personage, since he was renowned for drinking gave
the philosopher a grand reception, and introduced him to
the chief of the Brahmins, whose temples he explored.
These Hindoo gentlemen opened the eyes of Apollo
nius wider than they had ever been before, and taught
him a few things he had never dreamed of, but which
served him admirably during his latter career. He re
turned to Europe by way of the Red Sea, passing
through Ephesus, where he vehemently denounced the
speculators in gold and other improper persons. As
420 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
they did not heed him, he predicted the plague, and
left for Smyrna. Sure enough, the pestilence broke
out just after his departure, and the Ephesians tele
graphed to Smyrna, by the only means in their power,
for his immediate return ; gold, in the meanwhile, fall
ing at least ten per cent. Apollonius reappeared in
the twinkling of an eye, suddenly, in the very midst
of the wailing crowd, on the market place. Pointing
to a beggar, he directed the people to stone that par
ticular unfortunate, and they obeyed so effectually, that
the hapless creature was in a few moments completely
buried under a huge heap of brickbats. The next
morning, the philosopher commanded the throng to re
move the pile of stones, and as they did so, a dog was
discovered instead of the beggar. The dog sprang up,
wagged his tail, and made away at "two-forty " and with
him the pestilence departed. For this feat, the Ephe
sians called Apollonius a god, and reared a statue to
his honor. The appellation of divinity he willingly ac
cepted, declaring that it was only justice to good men.
In these degenerate days, we have accorded the term
to only one person, " the divine Fanny Ellsler ! "
That, too, was a tribute to superior understanding !
Our hero next visited Pergamus, the site of ancient
Troy, where he shut himself up all night in the tomb
of Achilles ; and having raised the great departed, held
conversation with him on a variety of military topics.
Among otber things, Achilles told him that the theory
of his having been killed by a wound in the heel was
all nonsense, as he had really died from being bitten by
a puppy, in the back. If the reader does not believe
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 421
me, let him consult the original MS. of Damis. The
same accident has disabled several great generals in
modern times.
Apollonius next made a tour through Greece, visit
ing Athens, Sparta, Olympia, and other cities, and ex
horting the dissolute Greeks to mend their evil courses.
The Spartans, particularly, came in for a severe lecture
on the advantages of soap and water ; and, it is said,
that the first clean face ever seen in that republic was
the result of the great Tyanean s teachings. At Ath
ens, he cured a man possessed of a demon ; the latter
bouncing out of his victim, at length, with such fury
and velocity as to dash down a neighboring marble
statue.
The Isle of Crete was the next point on the journey,
and an earthquake occurring at the time, Apollonius
suddenly exclaimed in the streets :
" The earth is bringing forth land."
Folks looked as he pointed toward the sea, and there
beheld a new island in the direction of Therae.
He arrived at Rome, whither his fame had preceded
him, just as the Emperor Nero h;d issued an edict
against all who dealt in magic ; and, although he knew
that he was included in the denunciation, he boldly
w r ent to the forum, where he restored to life the dead
body of a beautiful lady, and predicted an eclipse of
the sun, which shortly occurred. Nero caused him to
be arrested, loaded with chains, and flung into an un
derground dungeon. When his jailers next made their
rounds, they found the chains broken and the cell
empty, but heard the chanting of invisible angels.
422 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
This story would not be believed by the head jailer at
Sing Sing.
Prolonging his trip as far as Spain, Apollonius there
got up a sedition against the authority of Nero, and
thence crossed over into Africa. This was the darkest
period of his history. From Africa, he proceeded to
the South of Italy and the island of Sicily, still discours
ing as he went. About this time, he heard of Nero s
death, and returned to Egypt, where Vespasian was en
deavoring to establish his authority. While in Egypt,
he explored the supposed sources of the Nile, and learned
all the lore of the Ethiopean necromancers, who could
do any thing, even to making a black man white ; thus
greatly excelling the skill of after ages.
Vespasian had immense faith in the Tyanean sage,
and consulted him upon the most important matters of
State. Titus, the successor of that monarch, manifest
ed equal confidence, and regarded him absolutely as an
oracle. Apollonius, who really seems to have been a
most sensible politician, wrote the following brief but
pithy note to Titus, when the latter modestly refused
the crown of victory, after having destroyed Jerusalem.
44 Apollonius to Titus, Emperor of Rome, sendeth
greeting. Since you have refused to be applauded for
bloodshed and victory in war, I send you the crown of
moderation. You know to what kind of merit crowns
are due."
Yet Apollonius was by no means an ultra peace man,
for he strongly advocated the shaving and clothing of
the Ethiopians, and their thorough chastisement when
they refused to be combed and purified.
RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS. 423
When Domitian grasped at the imperial sceptre, the
great Tyanean sided with his rival, Nerva, and having
for this offence been seized and cast into prison, sudden
ly vanished from sight and reappeared on the instant at
Puteoli, one hundred and fifty miles away. The dis
tinguished Mr. Jewett, of Colorado, is the only instance
of similar rapidity of locomotion known to us in this
country and time.
After taking breath at Puteoli, the sage resumed his
travels and revisted Greece, Asia Minor, etc. At Eph-
esus he established his celebrated school, and then, once
more returning to Crete, happened to give his old friends,
the Cretans, great offence, and was shut up in the tem
ple Dictymna to be devoured by famished dogs ; but the
next morning was found perfectly unharmed in the
midst of the docile animals, who had already made con
siderable progress in the Pythagorean philosophy, and
were gathered around the philosopher", seated on their
hind legs, with open mouths and lolling tongues, intent
ly listening to him while he lectured them in the canine
tongue. So devoted had they become to their eloquent
instructor, and so enraged were they at the interruption
when the Cretans re-opened the temple, that they rush
ed out upon the latter and made a breakfast of a few of
the leading men.
This is one of the last of the remarkable incidents
that we find recorded of the mighty Apollonius. How
he came to his end is quite uncertain, but some vera
cious chroniclers declare that he simply dried up and
blew away. Others aver that he lived to the good old
age of ninety-seven, and then quietly gave up the ghost
at Tyana, where a temple was dedicated to his memory.
424 HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.
However that may be, he was subsequently worshiped
with divine honors, and so highly esteemed bv the
greatest men of after days, that even Aurelian refused
to sack Tyana, out of respect to the philosopher s ashes.
Dion Cassius, the historian, records one of the most
remarkable instances of his clairvoyance or second
sight. He states that Apollonius, in the midst of a dis
course at Ephesus, suddenly paused, and then in a differ
ent voice, exclaimed, to the astonishment of all : -
" Have courage, good Stephanus ! Strike ! strike !
Kill the tyrant ! " On that same day, the hated Do-
mitian was assassinated at Rome by a man named Ste
phanus. The humdrum interpretation of this " mir
acle " is simply that Apollonius had a foreknowledge
of the intended attempt upon the tyrant s life.
Long afterwards, Cagliostro claimed that he had been
a fellow-traveler with Apollonius, and that his myster
ious companion, the sage Athlotas, was the very same
personage, who, consequently, at that time, must have
reached the ripe age of some 1784 years a lapse of
time beyond the memory of even " the oldest inhabi
tant," in these parts, at least !
THE END.
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