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MUSIC
ENTIRELY ORIGINAL FAIRY OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS,
KNTITUD.
OLANTHE;
IE PEER AND THE PERI.
'EN BY
W. S. GILBERT.
BY
ARTHUR SULLIVAN,
Xontum :
CO, ,50, NEW BOND STREET, W,
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IN TWO ACTS,
TOLANTHE;
WRITTEN BY
W. S. GILBERT.
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ARTHUR SULLIVAN,
JCotiion :
CHAPPELL & CO,, 50, NEW BOND STREET, W.
C:ty Branch 15, Poultry, E.G.
^l^BBtViMHHHMB^BMMniBHMMMMHMHMBBHBBBMIMBHBiMBMBBHHi^MMBBBMM
rmmg Righu In this Opera are reierved. Sngl deUctoed aumt.i
ung at Concerts, not more than twoatany oneConcert, but they must fee fiver
~ or Action. 1 1. no case must such performance* b aooounce4 an a " Selection "
ic.-,s for the right of performing the abov* O^erm must be
Mr. D'OYuY CARTE, Savoy Theatre, London."
made to
FlKATiiS
omit
Words by W. S. GILBERT
Musio by ARTHUR SULLIVAN.
The following art now ready j s. D.
Vocal Score ... .. .- .cH 5 o
Pianoforte Solo, /Arranged by B*THOL Touas) iictt 3 o
M tht fclltwlnt Post-fre for Htlf
DANCE MUSIC BY CHARLES D' ALBERT.
Pirate* of Pensance Walt* .. SoloorDwet 4
Pirate* of Penxaace Lanctrt ... ... Do. Do. 4
PiratM of Peaxance Quadrille ... Do. Do. 4 e
Pint of Petuance Galop . . Do. Do, 4
PiratM of Pns*nc Polka
Orchtra., **, ; Septett, . n#tt
The Policeman'* Soag ...
I am a Pirate King
The Modern Major- General ...
Poer Wand'ring One (if bl'i Song)
Ah I leave me not to pin alone. Duel ... 40
PIANOFORTE ARRANGEMENTS.
BOYTON SMITH'S Fantasia*, z nd t ... Each 4 o
BOYTON SMITH'S Fantasia, a Du- ... 5 o
KUHB'S Fantasia 4 o
SMALLWCOD'S Policemaa'i Song; Chorus of Pirates; and Poor
Wand'ring One ... ach 3 o
KILLER'S Grand Selection for Pianoforte
Orchestral Parts to Ditto oett a o
Septett _ . nett t o
FRED GODFREY'S Grand Selection for Pianoforte, (Aa pkyed,by all
the Military Bands) 4
VIOLIN AND PIANOFORTE.
HENRY FARMER'S Fantasia
VIOLIN.
the Favourite Airs arranged for the Violin.. ... nett i 6
FLUTE.
the Favourite Airs arranged for the Flute , ... nett S
CORNET.
the Favourite Airs -arranged for the Cornet... ., . ... nett i
CHAPPELL & CO., 50, NEW BOND STREET, W.,
AND 13, POULTRY, E.G.
mtittlg tifltnal Jfatrg
TWO ACTS,
ENTITLED
IOLANTHE;
OR,
THE PEJER AND THE PERI.
WRITTEN BY COMPOSED BY
W. S. GILBERT, ARTHUR SULLIVAN,
Authors of "Trial by Jury," "The Sorcerer" "H.M.S. Pinafore"
11 The Pirates of Penzance," "Patience," <tc., d-c., <tc.
PRICE ONE SHILLING.
EonUon :
CHAPPELL & CO., 50, NEW BOND STREET, W.
CITY BRANCH 15, POULTRY, E.C.
Produced at the Savoy Theatre, under the management of Mr. R. D'Oyly Carte,
Saturday, Nov. 25, 1882.
IOLANTHE ;
OR,
THE PEER AND THE PERI.
2Dramatig
THE LORD CHANCELLOR Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH.
EARL OF MOUNTARARAT Mr. RUTLAND BARRINGTON.
EARL TOLLOLLER Mr. DURWARD LELY.
PRIVATE WILLIS (of the Grenadier Guards) ... Mr. MANNERS.
STREPHON (an Arcadian Shepherd) Mr. R. TEMPLE.
QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES Miss ALICE BARNETT.
IOLANTHE (a Fain/, Strepho:f\s Mother) Miss JESSIE BOND.
CELIA \ Miss FORTESCUE.
LEILA > Fairies Miss JULIA GWYNNK,
FLETA ) Miss SYBIL GREY.
PHYLLIS (an Arcadian Shepherdess and Ward in 1^.^ LEO NORA BRAHAM.
Chancery) )
2HORU3 OF DUK:ES, MARQUISES, EARLS, VISCOUNTS, BARONS AND FAIRIES.
%'
%
\
ACT I. An Arcadian Landscape.
^> *-jl ACT II. Palace Yard, Westminster.
Date between 1700 and 1882.
X- ^"
IOLANTHE;
OK,
THE PEER AND THE PERI.
ACT I.
SCENE. An Arcadian Landscape. A river runs around the lack of th*
* Stage.
A rustic bridge crosses the river.
Enter Fairies, led by LEILA, CELIA, and FLETA. They trip around the stagt,
singing as they dance.
CHOR?*..
Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither;
We must dance and we must sing,
Round about our fairy ring !
SOLO CELIA.
We are dainty little fairies,
Ever singing, ever dancing ;
We indulge in our vagaries
In a fashion most entrancing.
If you ask the special function
Of our never-ceasing motion,
We reply, without compunction,
That we haven't any notion!
CHORUS.
No, we haven't any notion !
Tripping hither, &c.
SOLO LEILA.
If you ask us how we live,
Lovers all essentials give
We can ride on lovers' sighs,
Warm ourselves in lovers' eyes,
Bathe ourselves in lovers' tears,
Clothe ourselves in lovers' fears,
Arm ourselves with lovers' darts,
Hide ourselves in lovers' hearts.
When you know us, you'll discover
That we almost live on lover !
CHORUS.
Tripping hither, &c.
(At the end of chorus, all sigh wearily.)
CELIA. Ah, it's all very well, but since our Queen banished lolanthe,
fairy revels have not been what they were !
LEILA.. lolanthe was the life and soul of fairy land. Why, she wrote
all our songs and arranged all our dances ! We sing her songs and we
trip her measures, but we don't enjoy ourselves !
FLETA. To think that five and twenty years have elapsed since she
was banished ! What could she have done to have deserved so terrible a
punishment ?
LEILA. Something awful ! She married a mortal !
FLETA. Oh ! Is it injudicious to marry a mortal ?
LEILA. Injudicious ? It strikes at the root of the whole fairy system!
By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal, dies !
CEILA. But lolanthe didn't die !
Enter FAIRY QUEEN.
QUEEN. No, because your Queen, who loved her with a surpassing love,
commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life, on condition that she
left her husband and never communicated with him again !
LEILA (aside to Oelia.) That sentence of penal servitude she is now
working out, on her head, at the bottom of that stream !
QUEEN. Yes, but when I banished her, I gave her all the pleasant
places of the earth to dwell in. I'm sure I never intended that she shou*
go and live at the bottom of a stream ! It makes me perfectly wretch
to think of the discomfort she must have undergone !
LELLA. Think of the damp ! And her chest was always delicate.
QUEEN. And the frogs ! Ugh ! I never shall enjoy any peace
mind until I know why lolanthe went to live among the frogs !
FLETA. Then why not summon her and ask her ?
QUEEN. Why ? Because if I set eyes on her I should forgive her at
once !
CELIA. Then why not forgive her ? Twenty-five years it's a long
time !
LEILA. Think how we loved her !
QUEEN. Loved her ? What was your love to mine ? Why she was
invaluable to me ! Who taught me to curl myself inside a buttercup ?
lolanthe ! Who taught me to swing upon a cobweb ? lolanthe ! Who
taught me to dive into a dewdrop to nestle in a nutshell to gambol
upon gossamer ? lolanthe !
LEILA. She certainly did surprising things !
FLETA. Oh give her back to us, great Queen, for your sake if not for
ours ! (all kneel in supplication.)
QUEEN (irresolute). Oh, I should be strong, but I am weak ! I should
be marble, but I am clay ! Her punishment has been heavier than I in-
tended. I did not mean that she should live among the frogs and
well, well, it shall be as you wish it shall be as you wish 1
INVOCATION QUEEN.
lolanthe !
From thy dark exile thou art summoned I
Come to our call
Come, lolanthe !
CELIA. lolanthe !
LEILA. lolanthe !
ALL. Come to our call,
Come, lolanthe !
lolanthe rises from the water. She is clad in water-weeds. Sh*
approaches the queen with head bent and arms crossed.
IOLANTHE. With humbled breast
And every hope laid low,
To thy behest,
Offended queen, I bow !
QUEEN. For a dark sin against our fairy laws,
We sent thee into life-long banishment ;
But mercy holds her sway within our hearts-
Rise thou art pardoned !
Ion. Pardoned !
ALL. Pardoned !
IOL. Ah!
Her weeds fall from her, and she appears clothed as a fairy. The QUEEN
places a diamond coronet on her head, and embraces her. The otJiers also
embrace her,
CHORUS.
Welcome to our hearts again,
lolanthe ! lolanthe !
We have shared thy bitter pain,
lolanthe ! lolanthe !
Every heart and every hand
In our loving little band
Welcome thee to fairy land,
lolanthe !
6
QUEEN. And now, tell me, with all the world to choose from, why on
earth did you decide to live at the bottom of that stream ?
IOL. To be near my son, Strephon.
QUEEN. Bless my heart, I didn't know you had a son !
IOL He was born soon after I left my husband by your royal com-
mand but he does not even know of his father's existence.
FLETA. How old is he?
IOL. Twenty-four.
LEILA. Twenty-four ! No one, to look at you, would think you had a
son of twenty-four ! But that's one of the advantages of being immortal.
We never grow old ! Is he pretty ?
IOL. He's extremely pretty, but he's inclined to be stout.
ALL (disappointed ). Oh !
QUEEN. I see no objection to stoutness, in moderation.
GEL. And what is he ?
IOL. He's an Arcadian shepherd and he loves Phyllis, a "Ward in
Chancery.
GEL. A mere shepherd ! and he half a fairy !
IOL. He's a fairy down to the waist but his legs are mortal.
ALL. Dear me !
QUEEN.' I have no reason to suppose that I am more curious than other
people, but I confess I should like to see a person who is a fairy down to
the waist, but whose legs are mortal.
IOL. Nothing easier, for here he comes !
(Enter STREPHON, singing and dancing and playing on a flageolet. He does
not see the fairies, who retire up stage as he enters.)
SONG STEEPHON.
Good morrow good mother
Good mother good morrow !
By some means or other,
Pray banish your sorrow !
With joy beyond telling
My bosom is swelling,
So join in a measure
Expressive of pleasure.
For I'm to be married to-day to-day
Yes, I'm to be married to-day !
CHORUS, (aside.) Yes, he's to be married to-day to-day
Yes, he's to be married to-day !
IOL. Then the Lord Chancellor has at last given his consent to your
marriage with his beautiful ward, Phyllis ?
STREPH. Not he, indeed. To all my tearful prayers he answers me,
"A shepherd lad is no fit helpmate for a ward of Chancery." I stood in
court, and there I sang him songs of Arcadee, with flageolet accompani-
ment in vain. At first he seemed amused, so did the bar ; but quickly
wearying of my song and pipe, bade me get out. A servile usher, then,
in crumpled bands and rusty bombazine, led me, still singing, into
Chancery Lane ! I'll go no more : I'll marry her to-day, and brave the
upshot, be it what it may ! (sees Fairies). But who are these ?
lot. Oh, Strephon ! rejoice with me, my Queen has pardoned me !
STKETH. Pardoned you, mother ? This is good news indeed !
lot. And these ladies are my beloved sisters.
STEEPH. Your sisters ! Then they are my aunts ! (Kneels.}
QUEEN. A pleasant piece of news for your bride on her wedding day.
STREPH. Hush ! My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood. I dare not
tell her, lest it frighten her. She thinks me mortal, and prefers me so.
LEILA. Your fairyhood doesn't seem to have done you much good.
STREPH. Much good ! It's the curse of my existence ! What's the
use of being half a fairy ? My body can creep through a keyhole,
but what's the good of that when my legs are left kicking behind ? I can
make myself invisible down to the waist, but that's of no use when
my legs remain exposed to view ? My brain is a fairy brain, but from
the waist downwards I'm a gibbering idiot. My upper half is immortal,
but my lower half grows older every day, and some day or other must
die of old age. What's to become of my upper half when I've buried my
lower half I really don't know !
QUEEN. I see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain you should seek
an intellectual splfere of action. Let me see. I've a borough or two at
my disposal. Would you like to go into Parliament ?
IOL. A fairy Member ! That would be delightful !
STREPH. I'm afraid I should do no good there you see, down to the
waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but my legs
are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division, they'd be sure
to take me into the wrong lobby. You see they're two to one, which is a
strong working majority.
QUEEN. Don't let that distress you ; you shall be returned as a
Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care.
STREPH. (bowing.) I see your Majesty does not do things by halves.
QUEEN. No, we are fairies down to the feet.
ENSEMBLE.
QUEEN. Fare thee well, attractive stranger.
FAIRIES. Fare thee well, attractive stranger.
QUEEN. Should'st thou be in doubt or danger.
Peril or perplex itee,
Call us, and we'll come to thee !
FAIRIES. Call us, and well come to thee !
Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither.
We must now be taking wing
To another fairy ring !
Fairies and QUEEN trip off. IOLANTHE, who takes an affectionate farewell
of her son, going off last.
Enter PHYLLIS, singing and dancing, and accompanying herself on a
Jlageolet.
SONG PHYLLIS.
Good morrow, good lover !
Good lover, good morrow !
I prithee discover,
Steal, purchase, or borrow,
Some means of concealing
The care you are feeling,
And join in a measure
Expressive of pleasure,
For we're to be married to-day to-day,
For we're to be married to-day !
BOTH. Tes, we're to be married, &c.
STREPH. (embracing her.) My Phyllis! And to-day we are to be
made happy for ever !
PHTL. Well, we're to be married.
STREPH. It's the same thing.
PHTL. I suppose it is. But, oh Strephon, I tremble at the step I'm
taking ! I believe it's penal servitude for life to marry a Ward of Court
without the Lord Chancellor's consent ! I shall be of age in two years.
Don't you think you could wait two years ?
SIREPH. Two years ! Why you can't have seen yourself ! Here, look
at that (sJiowing her a pocket mirror), and tell me if you think it rational
to expect me to wait two years ?
PHTL. (looking at herself.) No. You're quite right it's asking too
much. One must be reasonable.
STREPH. Besides, who knows what will happen in two years ? Why
you might fall in love with the Lord Chancellor himself by that time !
PHTL. Tes. He's a clean old gentleman.
STREPH. As it is, half the House of Lords are sighing at your feet.
PHTL. The House of Lords are certainly extremely attentive.
STREPH. Attentive ? I should think they were ! Why did five-and-
twenty Liberal Peers come down to shoot over your grass-plot last
autumn ? It couldn't have been the sparrows. Why did five-and-twenty
Conservative Peers come down to fish your pond ? Don't tell me it was
the gold-fish ! No, no delays are dangerous, and if we are to marry,
the sooner the better.
DUET STREPHON AND PHTLLIS,
None shall part us from each other,
One in life and death are we :
All in all to one another
I to thee and thou to me ! .
Thou the tree and I the flower
Thou the idol ; I the throng
Thou the day and I the hour
Thou the singer ; I the song !
9
All in all since that fond meeting
When, in joy, I woke to find
Mine the heart within thee beating,
Mine the love that heart enshrined !
Thou the stream and I the willow
Thou the sculptor ; I the clay
Thou the ocean ; I the billow
Thou the sunrise ; I the day !
Exeunt STREPHON AND PHYLLIS together.
March. Enter Procession of Peert.
CHORUS.
Loudly let the trumpet bray !
Tantantara !
Gaily bang the sounding brasses !
Tzing !
As upon its lordly way
This unique procession passes,
* Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!
Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes !
Bow, ye tradesmen, bow, ye masses !
Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses I
Tantantara ! Tzing ! Boom !
We are peers of highest station,
Paragons of legislation,
Pillars of the British nation !
Tantantara ! Tzing ! Boom !
(Enter the LORD CHANCELLOR, followed by his trainbearer,)
SONG LORD CHANCELLOR.
The Law is the true embodiment
Of everything that's excellent.
It has no kind of fault or flaw,
And I, my lords, embody the Law.
The constitutional guardian I
Of pretty young Wards in Chancery,
All very agreeable girls and none
Are over the age of twenty-one.
A pleasant occupation for
A rather susceptible Chancellor I
ALL. A pleasant, &o.
But though the compliment implied
Inflates me with legitimate pride,
It nevertheless can't be denied
That it has its inconvenient side.
10
For I'm not so old, and not so plain,
And I'm quite prepared to marry again,
But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords
If I fell in love with one of my Wards !
Which rather tries my temper, for
I'm such a susceptible Chancellor !
ALL. Which rather, &c.
And everyone who'd marry a Ward
Must come to me for my accord,
And in my court I sit all day,
Giving agreeable girls away,
With one for him and one for he
And one for you and one for ye
And one for thou and one for thee
But never, oh never a one for me !
Which is exasperating, for
A highly susceptible Chancellor !
AIL. Which is, &c.
Enter LOUD TOLLOLLER.
LD. TOLL. And now, my Lords, to the business of the day.
LD. CHAN. By all means. Phyllis, who is a Ward of Court, has so
powerfully affected your Lordships, that you have appealed to me in a
body to give her to whichever one of you she may think proper to select,
and a noble lord has just gone to her cottage to request her immediate
attendance. It would be idle to deny that I, myself, have the misfortune
to be singularly attracted by this young person. My regard for her is
rapidily undermining my constitution. Three months ago I was a stout
man. I need say no more. If I could reconcile it with my duty, I
should unhesitatingly award her to myself, for I can conscientiously say
that I know no man who is so well-fitted to render her exceptionally
happy. But such an award would be open to misconstruction, and there-
fore, at whatever personal inconvenience, I waive my claim.
LD. TOLL. My Lord, I desire, on the part of this House, to express
its sincere sympathy with your Lordship's most painful position.
LD. CHAN. I thank your Lordships. The feelings of a Lord Chancellor
who is in love with a Ward of Court are not to be envied. What is his
position ? Can he give his own consent to his own marriage with his own
Ward ? Can he marry his own Ward without his own consent ? And if
he marries his own Ward without his own consent, can he commit himself
for contempt of his own Court ? And if he commit himself for contempt
of his own Court, can he appear by counsel before himself, to move for
arrest of his own judgment ? Ah, my lords, it is indeed painful to have
to sit upon a woolsack which is stuffed with such thorns as these !
Enter LORD MOTOTA.KAKAT.
LD. MOTJNT. ' My Lords, I have much pleasure in announcing that I
have succeeded in inducing the young person to present herself at the Bar
of this House.
11
Enter PHYLLIS.
RBCIT. PHYLLIS. My well-loved Lord and Guardian dear,
You summoned me, and I am here !
CHOKTJS or PEEKS. Oh, rapture, how beautiful !
How gentle how dutiful !
SOLO LORD TOLLOLLER.
Of all the young ladies I know
This pretty young lady's the fairest j
Her lips have the rosiest show,
Her eyes are the richest and rarest.
Her origin's lowly, it's true,
But of birth and position we've plenty ;
We've grammar and spelling for two,
And blood and behaviour for twenty !
CHORUS. Her origin's lowly, it's true,
But we've grammar and spelling for two ;
Of birth and position we've plenty,
With blood and behaviour for twenty !
9&LO EARL OF MOUHTARARAT.
Though the views of the House have diverged
On every conceivable motion,
All questions of Party are merged
In a frenzy of love and devotion ;
If you ask us distinctly to say
What Party we claim to belong to,
We reply, without doubt or delay,
The Party I'm singing this song to !
CHORUS. If you ask us distinctly to say,
We reply, without doubt or delay,
That the Party we claim to belong to
Is the Party we're singing this song to !
SOLO PHYLLIS.
I'm very much pained to refuse,
But I'll stick to my pipes and my tabors ;
I can spell all the words that I use,
And my grammar's ;is good ,-is my neighbours'
As for birth I was born like; the rest,
My behaviour is rustic but he;.rty,
And I know where to turn for the best,
When I want a particular Party !
CHORTJB. Though her station is none of the best,
I suppose she \vas born like the rest ;
And she knows where to look for her l.r.i h
When she wants a particular i'arty I
12
HECIT. PHYLLIS
Nay, tempt me not.
To rank I'll not be bound :
In lowly cot
Alone is virtue found !
CHORUS. Nay, do not shrink from us we will not hurt you-
The Peerage is not destitute of virtue.
BALLAD LORD TOLLOLLEK.
Spurn not the nobly born
With love affected,
Nor treat with virtuous scorn
The well connected.
High rank involves no shame
We boast an equal claim
With him of humble name
To be respected !
Blue blood ! blue blood !
When virtuous love is sought
Thy power is naught,
Though dating from the flood,
Blue blood !
CHOETTS. Blue blood ! Blue blood ! &c.
Spare us the bitter pain
Of stern denials,
Nor with lowborn disdain
Augment our trials.
Hearts just as pure and fair
May beat in Belgrave Square
As in the lowly air
Of Seven Dials !
Blue blood ! Blue blood !
Of what avail art thou
To serve us now?
Though dating from the flood,
Blue blood !
CHORUS. Blue blood ! Blue blood ! &c.
RECIT. PHYLLIS.
My Lord, it may not be.
With grief my heart is riven !
You waste your words on me,
For ah ! my heart is given I
ALL Given !
PHTLL. Given !
ALL. Oh, horror ! ! !
13
RECIT. LORD CHANCELLOR.
And who has dared to brave our high displeasure,
And thus defy our definite command ?
(Enter STREPHON PHYLLIS rushes to Tiis arms.)
STBEPH. Tis I young Strephon ! mine this priceless treasure
Against the world I claim my darling's hand !
A shepherd I
ALL. A shepherd he !
STBEPH. Of Arcady
ALL. Of Arcadee !
STREPH. Betrothed are we !
ALL. Betrothed are they
STREPH. And mean to be
ALL. Espoused to day !
STREPH. A shepherd I
Of Arcady,
Betrothed are we
And mean to be
Espoused to-day !
ENSEMBLE. *
THE OTHERS.
A shepherd he
Of Arcadee,
Betrothed ia he
And means to be
Espoused to-day 1
DUET LORD MOUNT. AND LORD TOLL, (aside to each otlier).
'Neath this blow,
Worse than stab of dagger
Though we mo-
Mentarily stagger,
In each heart
Proud are we innately
Let's depart,
Dignified and stately !
ALL. Let's depart,
Dignified and stately !
CHORUS OF PEERS.
Though our hearts she's badly bruising,
In another suitor choosing,
Let's pretend it's most amusing.
Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Tzing ! Boom !
Exeunt all ike Peers marching round stage with much dignity. LORD
CHANCELLOR separates PHYLLIS from STREPHON and orders her off". Sha
folloivs Peers. Manent LORD CHANCELLOR and STREPHON.
LORD CH. Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for having diso-
beyed an order of the Court of Chancery ?
14
STREPH. My Lord, I know no Courts of Chancery ; I go by
Nature's Acts of Parliament. The bees the breeze the seas the
rooks the brooks the gales the vales the fountains and the
mountains, cry " You love this maiden take her, we command
you !" 'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth
into lurid light from each grim thunder-cloud. The very rain pours
forth her sad and sodden sympathy ! When chorussed Nature bids me
take my love, shall I reply, " Nay, but a certain Chancellor forbids it ? "
Sir, you are England's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellor of
birds and trees, King of the winds and Prince of thunder-clouds ?
LORD CH. No. It's a nice point. I don't know that I ever met it
before. But my difficulty is that at present there's no evidence before the
Court that chorussed Nature has interested herself in the matter.
STREPH. No evidence ! You have my word for it. I tell you that
she bade me take my love.
LORD CH. Ah ! but, my good sir, you mustn't tell us what she told
you it's not evidence. Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm, or a few
words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all the attention
they deserve.
STREPH. And have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules of evidence
to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion ?
LORD CH. Distinctly. I have always kept my duty strictly before my
eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to my present
distinguished position.
SONG LORD CHANCELLOR.
When I went to the Bar as a very young man,
(Said I to myself said I,)
111 work on a new and original plan,
(Said I to myself said I,)
I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief
Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief,
Because his attorney has sent me a brief,
(Said I to myself said I !)
Ill never throw dust in a juryman's eyes,
(Said I to myself said I,)
Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise,
(Said I to myself said I,)
Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force
In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,
Have perjured themselves as a matter of course,
(Said I to myself said I !)
Ere I go into court I will read my brief through,
(Said I to myself said I,)
And I'll never take work I'm unable to do,
(Said I to myself said I,)
15
My learned profession 111 never disgrace
By taking a fee with a grin on my face,
When I haven't been there to attend to the case,
(Said I to myself said I !)
In other professions in which men engage,
(Said I to myself said I,)
The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage,
(Said I to myself said I,)
Professional licence, if carried too far,
Your chance of promotion will certainly mar^-
And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar,
(Said I to myself said I !).
[Exit LORD CHANCELLOB.
To STREPHON, who is in tears, enter IOLANTHE.
STREPH. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis ! To be taken from you just as I was on
the point of making you my own ! Oh, it's too much it is too much !
IOL. My son in tears and on his wedding day !
STREPH. My wedding day ! Oh, mother, weep with me, for the Law
has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor has separated us for
ever !
IOL. The Lord Chancellor ! (aside.) Oh, if he did but know !
STREPH. (overhearing her.) If he did but know what ?
IOL. No matter! The Lord Chancellor has no power over you.
Hem ember you are half a fairy. You can defy him down to the waist.
STREPH. Yes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me to
prison for years ! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my legs are
working out seven years penal servitude ?
IOL. True. But take heart our Queen has promised you her special
protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar case before her.
STREPH. My beloved mother ! How can I repay the debt I owe you ?
FINALE.
QUARTET.
(As it commences, the Peers appear at the back, advancing unseen and
on tiptoe. MOUNTARARAT and TOLLOLLER lead PHYLLIS, between thtt*,
who listens in horror to what she hears).
STREPH. (to IOLANTHE.) When darkly looms the day,
And all is dull and grey,
To chase the gloom away
On thee 111 call !
PHTL. (speaking aside to MOUNT.) What was that ?
MOUNT, (aside to PHYLLIS). I think I heard him say,
That on a rainy day,
To while the time away,
On her he'd call !
CHORUS. We think we heard him say, &c,
16
(PHYLLIS much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness.)
IOL. (to STREPHON). When tempests wreck thy bark,
And all is drear and dark,
If thou shouldst need an Ark,
I'll give thee one !
PHYL. (speaking aside to TOLLOLLER). What was that ?
TOL. ( iside to PHYLLIS). I heard the minx remark,
She'd meet him after dark,
Inside St. James's Park,
And give him one !
ALL. The prospect's not so bad,
I m J f heart so sore and sad
I Ihy J
May very soon be glad
As summer sun ;
But while the sky is dark,
And tempests wreck < , , ^ V bark,
r ~ ( I should ) , . ,
If 1 thou shouldst/ needanArk >
( Thou'lt ) . I me
onel
PHYL. (revealing herself). Ah!
(IOLANTHE AND STREPHON much confused.)
PHYL. Oh, shameless one, tremble !
Nay, do not endeavour
Thy fault to dissemble,
We part and for ever !
I worshipped him blindly,
He worships another
STREPH. Attend to me kindly,
This lady's my mother 1
PHYL. This lady's his what 1
STREPH. This lady's my mother !
TENORS. This lady's his what ?
BASSES. He says she's his mother !
They point derisively to IOLANTHE, laughing heartily at her. She clings
for protection to SXREPHON.
Enter LORD CHANCELLOR. IOLANTHE veils herself.
LOED CH. What means this mirth unseemly,
That shakes the listening earth?
LORD TOL. The joke is good extremely,
And justifies our mirth.
17
LORD MOU.RT. This gentl-eman is seen,
With a maid of seventeen,
A taking of his dolcefar niente;
And wonders he'd achieve,
For he asks us to believe
She's his mother and he's nearly five-and-twenty I
LORD CH. (sternly). Recollect yourself, I pray,
And be careful what you say
As the ancient Romans said, festina lente.
For I really do not see
How so young a girl could be
The mother of a man of five-and-t\venty.
ALL. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !
STREPH. My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth
She is has been my mother, from my birth !
BALLAD.
In babyhood
Upon her lap I lay,
With infant food
She moistened my clay :
Had she withheld
The succour she supplied,
By hunger quelled,
Your Strephon might have died !
LORD CH. (much moved). Had that refreshment been denied,
Indeed our Strephon might have died !
ALL. (much affected.) Had that refreshment been donied,
Indeed our Strephon might have died !
LORD MOUNT. But as she's not
His mother, it appears,
Why weep these hot
Unnecessary tears ?
And by what laws
Should we, so joyously,
Rejoice, because
Our Strephon didn't die ?
Oh, rather let us pipe our eye,
Because our Strephon didn't die !
ALL. That's very true let's pipe our eye
Because our Strephon didn't die !
(All weep. IOLANTKE, who has succeeded in hiding her fact from LORD
CHAKCELLOK, escapes unnoticed.)
PHTL. Go, traitorous one for ever we must part :
To one of you, my Lords, I give my heart !
18
An. Oh, rapture !
STREPH. Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me !
PHTL. Not a word you did deceive me !
ALL. Not a word you did deceive her !
BALLAD PHYLLIS.
For riches and rank I do not long
Their pleasures are false and vain :
I gave up the love of a lordly throng
For the love of a simple swain.
But now that that simple swain's untrue,
With sorrowful heart I turn to you
A heart that's aching,
Quaking, breaking,
As sorrowful hearts are wont to do !
The riches and rank that you befall
Are the only baits you use,
So the richest and rankiest of you all
My sorrowful heart shall choose.
As none are so noble none so rich
As this couple of lords, I'll find a niche,
In my heart that's aching,
Quaking, breaking,
For one of you two and I don't care which !
ENSEMBLE.
PHTL. (to LD. MOUNT, and LD. TOLL.). To you I give my heart so rich !
ALL. (Puzzled). To which?
PHTL. I do not care !
To you I yield it is my doom !
ALL. To whom ?
PHTL. I'm not aware !
I'm yours for life if you but choose.
ALL. She's whose ?
PHTL. That's your affair ;
I'll be a countess, shall I not ?
ALL. Of what ?
PHTL. I do not care !
AIL. Lucky little lady !
Strephon's lot is shady ;
Rank, it seems, is vital,
" Countess " is the title,
But of what I'm not aware !
STRKPH. Can I inactive see my fortune fade ?
No, no 1
Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid !
Enter Fairies, tripping, Tieaded by CELIA. LEILA and FLETA, an
lowed by QTTEEN.
19
CHORUS OF FAIRIES.
Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither ;
"Why you want us we don't know,
But you've summoned us, and so
Enter all the little fairies
To their usual tripping measure !
To oblige you all our care is
Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure !
STREPH. The lady of my love has caught me talking to another
An. Oh, fie ! Strephon is a rogue !
STREPH. I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother
ALL. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay !
STREPH. She won't believe my statement, and declares we must be
parted,
Because on a career of double dealing I have started,
Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves me broken-
hearted
ALL. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay !
QUEEN. Ah, crftel ones, to part two faithful lovers from each other !
ALL. Oh, fie ! Strephon is a rogue !
QUEEN. You've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother!
ALL. Taradiddle, taradiddle, to] lol lay !
LORD CH. That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as any other.
(aside.) I didn't see her face, but if they fondled one another,
And she's but seventeen I don't believe it was his mother!
ALL. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay !
LORD TOLL. I've often had a use
For a thorough-bred excuse
Of a sudden (which is English for " repenti ")
But of all I ever heard
This is much the most absurd,
For she's seventeen and he is five-and-twenty !
ALL. He says she is his mother, and he's four or five-and-twenty !
Oh, fie, Strephon is a roguj !
LORD MOUNT. Now listen, pray, to me,
For this paradox will be
Carried nobody at all contradicente.
Her age, upon the date
Of his birth, was minus eight,
If she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty !
ALL. To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly !
Oh, fie, Strephon is a rogue !
Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy !
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol liiy !
20
I wouldn't say a word that could be construed as injurious,
But to find a mother younger than her son is very curious,
And that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious.
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay !
LD. CHAN, Go away, madam ;
I should say, madam,
You display, madam,
Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam,
To intrude, madam,
"With your brood, madam,
Brazen-faced !
You come here, madam,
Interfere, madam,
With a peer, madam.
(I am one).
You're aware, madam,
What you dare, madam,
So take care, madam,
And begone !
ENSEMBLE.
FAIRIES (to QTTEEN). PEEKS.
Let us stay, madam, Go away, madam ;
I should say, madam, I should say, madam,
They display, madam, You display, madam,
Shocking taste. Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam, It is rude, madam,
To allude, madam, To intrude, madam,
To your brood, madam, With your brood, madam,
Brazen-faced ! Brazen-faced !
We don't fear, madam, You come here, madam,
Any peer, madam, Interfere, madam,
Though, my dear madam, With a peer, madam.
This is one. (I am one).
They will stare, madam, You're aware, madam,
When aware, madam, What you dare, madam,
What they dare, madam So take care, madam,
What they've done ! And begone !
QUEEN (furious). Bearded by these puny mortals !
I will launch from fairy portala
All the most terrific thunders
In my armoury of wonders !
PHTL. (aside). Should they launch terrific wonders,
All would then repent their blunders
21
QUEEN. Oh ! Chancellor unwary
It's highly necessary
Your tongue to teach
Respectful speech
Your attitude to vary !
Your badinage so airy,
Your manner arbitrary,
Are out of place
When face to face
With an influential Fairy 1
All the Peers (aside). I never knew
We were speaking to
An influential Fairy !
LORD CH.
ALL.
QUEEN.
CI:IJA.
LEILA.
QUEEN.
QUEEN.
FAIRIES.
A plague on this vagary !
I'm in a nice quandary !
Of hasty tone
With dames unknown ;
I ought to be more chary !
It seems that she's a fairy
* From Andersen's library,
And I took her for
The proprietor
Of a Ladies' Seminary I
took her for
I He
I We
The proprietor
Of a Ladies' Seminary !
When next your Houses do assemble,
You may tremble !
Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us,
Is tremendous !
They meet, who underrate our calling,
Doom appalling !
Take down our sentence as we speak it,
And he shall wreak it !
(Indicating STBEPHON.)
Henceforth, Strephon, cast away
Crooks and pipes and ribbons so gay
Flocks and herds that bleat and low ;
Into Parliament you shall go !
Into Parliament he shall go !
Backed by our supreme authority,
Hell command a large majority :
Into Parliament he shall go !
22
QTJEEN. In the Parliamentary hive,
Liberal or Conservative
Whig or Tory I don't know
But into Parliament you shall go !
FAIRIES. Into Parliament, &c.
PEERS. Ah, spare us !
QUEEN (speaking through music).
Every bill and every measure
That may gratify his pleasure,
Though your fury it arouses,
Shall be passed by both your Houses !
You shall sit, if he sees reason,
Through the grouse and salmon season :
He shall end the cherished rights
You enjoy on Wednesday nights :
He shall prick that annual blister,
Marriage with deceased wife's sister )
Titles shall ennoble, then,
All the Common Councilmen :
Peers shall teem in Christendom,
And a Duke's exalted station
Be attainable by Com-
Petitive Examination !
. PEERS. FAIRIES & PHYLLIS.
Oh, horror ! Their horror !
They can't dissemble
Nor hide the fear that makce
them tremble !
ENSEMBLE.
PEFRS. FAIRIES, PHYLLIS, AND STREPHON.
Toung Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, no doubt,
We do not care a fig about ! A fearful prospect opens out,
We cannot s And who shall say
What evils may What evils may
Result in consequence. Result in consequence ?
15ut lordly vengeance will pursue, A hideous vengeance will pursue
All kinds of common people who All noblemen who venture to
Oppose our views, Oppose his views,
Or boldly choose Or boldly choose
To offer us offence. To offer him offence.
He'd better fly at humbler game, 'Twill plunge them into grief and
Or our forbearance he must claim shame ;
If he'd escape His kind forbearance they must claim,
In any shape If they'd escape
A very painful wrench ! In any shape
A very painful wrench.
23
Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-
pooh :
A dire revenge will fall on you
If you besiege
Our high prestige
(The word "prestige " is French).
PEERS.
FAIRIES.
PEERS.
FAIRIES.
PEERS.
FAIRIES.
PEERS.
You needn't wait,
Away you fry !
Your threatened hate
We thus defy !
Although our threats you now pooh-
pooh,
A dire revenge will fall on you,
Should he besiege
Your high prestige
(The word "prestige " is French.)
Our lordly style
You shall not quench
With base canaille !
(That word is French.)
Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs I
(A Latin word.)
'Twould fill with joy,
And madness stark
The 01 iroXXoi !
(A Greek remark.)
FAIRIES.
We will not wait,
We go sky-high !
Our threatened hate
You won't defy I
FAIRIES.
PEERS.
FAIRIES.
PEERS.
FAIRIES.
PEERS.
Your lordly style
We'll quickly quench
With base canaille
(That word is French !)
Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs !
(A Latin word).
Twill fill with joy
And madness stark
The 61 TroXXoi 1
(A Greek remark).
PEERS.
You needn't wait,
Away you fly
Your threatened hate .
We won't defy !
FAIRIES threaten PEERS with their wands.
FAIRIES.
We will not wait,
We go, sky high,
Our threatened hate
You won't defy !
PEERS kneel as begging fvr
mercy. PHYLLIS implores STREPHON to relent. He casts her from
him, and she falls fainting into the arms of LORD MOUHTARARAT and
LORD TOLLOLLER.
END OF ACT. I.
24
ACT H.
SCENE. Palace Yard, Westminster. Westminster Hall, L. Clock toiver up
B.C. Private Willis discovered on sentry, R. Moonlight.
SONS WILLIS.
When all night long a chap remains
On sentry-go, to chase monotony
He exercises of his brains,
That is, assuming that he's got any.
Though never nurtured in the lap
Of luxury, yet I admonish you,
I am an intellectual chap,
And think of things that would astonish you.
I often think it's comical Fal, lal, la !
How Nature always does contrive Fal, lal, la !
That every boy and every gal,
That's born into the world alive,
Is either a little Liberal,
Or else a little Conservative !
Fal, lal, la !
When in that house M.P.s divide,
If they've a brain and cerebellum, too,
They've got to leave that brain outside,
And vote just as their leaders tell '*5m to.
But then the prospect of a lot
Of dull M.P.s in close proximity,
All thinking for themselves, is what
No man can face with equanimity.
Then let's rejoice with loud Fal lal Fal lal la !
That Nature wisely does contrive Fal lal la !
That every boy and every gal
That's born into the world alive,
Is either a little Liberal,
Or else a little Conservative !
Fal lal la !
Enter FAIRIES, with CELIA, LEILA., and FLETA. They trip round stag*,
CHOBTTS OF FAIBIES.
Strephon's a Member of Parliament !
And carries every Bill he chooses.
To his measures all assent ;
Showing that fairies have their uses.
Whigs and Tories
Dim their glories
Giving an ear to all his stories
Lords and Commons are both in the blues :
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes !
25
Shake in their shoes !
Shake in their shoes !
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes t
Enter PEERS from Westminster Hall.
CHORUS OF PEERS.
Strephon's a Member of Parliament !
Running a-muck at all abuses.
JTia unqualified assent
Somehow nobody now refuses.
Whigs and Tories
Dim their glories,
Giving an ear to all his stories
Carrying every Bill he may wish :
Here's a pretty kettle of fish !
Kettle of fish
Kettle of fish
Here's a pretty kettle of fish !
Enter LORD MOUNTARARAT and LORD ToLLOLLEB/rom Westminster Hall.
CELIA. You seem annoyed.
LD. MOUNT. Annoyed ! I should think so ! Why this ridiculous
protege of yours is playing the deuce with everything ! To-night is the
second reading of his Bill to throw the Peerage open to Competitive Ex-
amination !
LD. TOLL. And hell carry it, too !
LD. Motrirr. Carry it? Of course he will! He's a Parliamentary
Pickford he carries everything !
LEILA. Yes. If you please, that's our fault !
LD. MOUNT. The deuce it is !
CELIA. Yes ; we influence the members, and compel them to vote just
as he wishes them to.
LEILA. It's our system. It shortens the debates.
LD. TOLL. Well, but think what it all means. I don't so much mind
for myself, but with a House of Peers with no grandfathers worth men-
tioning, the country must go to the dogs !
LEILA. I suppose it must !
LD. MOUUT. I don't want to say a word against brains I've a great
respect for brains I often wish I had some myself but with a House of
Peers composed exclusively of people of intellect, what's to become of the
House of Commons ?
LEILA. I never thought of that !
LD. MOUNT. This comes of women interfering in politics. It so
happens that if there is an institution in Great Britain which is not us-
"eptible of any improvement at all, it is the House of Peers !
26
SONS LD. MOUNT.
When Britain really ruled the waves
(In good Queen Bess's time)
The House of Peers made no pretence
To intellectual eminence,
Or scholarship sublime ;
Yet Britain won her proudest bays
In good Queen Bess's glorious days !
CHORUS. Yes, Britain won, &c.
When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,
As every child can tell,
The House of Peers, throughout the war,
Did nothing in particular,
And did it very well :
Yet Britain set the world a-blaze
In good King George's glorious days !
CHORUS. Yes, Britain set, &c.
And while the House of Peers withholds
Its legislative hand,
And noble statesmen do not itch
To interfere with matters which
They do not understand,
As bright will shine Great Britain's rays,
As in King George's glorious days !
CHORUS. As bright will shine, &c.
LEILA (who has been much attracted by the Peers during this song).
Charming persons, are they not ?
CELIA. Distinctly. For self-contained dignity, combined with airy
condescension, give me a British Representative Peer !
LD. TOLL. Then pray stop this protege of yours before it's too late.
Think of the mischief you're doing !
LEILA (crying). But we can't stop him now. (Aside to CELIA). Aren't
they lovely ! (Aloud). Oh, why did you go and defy us, you great
geese !
Duet LEILA and CELIA.
*I .TJJTT.A, In vain to us you plead-
Don't go ;
Your prayers we do not heed
Don't go !
Its true we sigh,
But don't suppose
A tearful eye
Forgiveness shows.
Oh, no I
We're very cross indeed
Don't go !
ALL. Its true we sigh, &c.
27
CKLIA. Your disrespectful sneers
Don't go !
Call forth indignant tears I
Don't go !
You break our laws
You are our foe !
We cry, because
We hate you so !
You know !
You very wicked Peers !
Don't go !
FAIRIES. LORDS MOUNT. AND TOLI*
You break our laws, We break their laws,
You are our foe : They are our foe :
We cry because They cry because
We hate you so ! They hate us so !
You know ! Oh, ho !
You very wicked peers ! If that's the case my dears,
Don't go ! We'll go !
Exeunt MOUNTARARAT, TOLLOLLER, and Peers. Fairies gaze wistfully
after them. Enter FAIRY QUEEN.
QUEEN. Oh, shame shame upon you ! Is this your fidelity to the
laws you are bound to obey ? Know ye not that it is death to marry a
mortal ?
LEILA. Yes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal !
FLETA. If it were, you'd have to execute us all !
QUEEN. Oh, this is weakness ! Subdue it !
CELIA. We know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong !
LEILA. We are not all as tough aa you are !
QUEEN. Tough ! Do you suppose that I am insensible to the effect of
manly beauty ? Look at that man (referring to sentry) A. perfect picture !
(To sentry) Who are you, Sir?
- WILLIS. (Coming to " attention.") Private Willis, B company, 1st
Grenadier Guards.
QUEEN. You're a very fine fellow, sir.
WILLIS. I am generally admired.
QUEEN. I can quite understand it. (To Fairies) Now here is a man
whose physical attributes are simply god-like. That man has a most
Extraordinary effect upon me. If I yielded to a natural impulse, I should
fall down and worship that man. But I mortify this inclination : I
wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet ! That is how I treat my
regard for that man !
SONG FAIRY QUEEN.
Oh, foolish fay,
Think you, because
His brave array
My bosom thawi,
28
I'd disobey
Our fairy laws ?
Because I fly
In realms above,
In tendency
To fall in love
Resemble I
The amorous dove ?
(aside) Oh, amorous dove !
Type of Ovidius Naso !
This heart of mine
Is soft as thine,
Although I dare not say so ?
CHORUS. Oh, amorous dove, &c.
On fire that glows
With heat intense
I turn the hose
Of common sense,
And out it goes
At small expense !
We must maintain
Our fairy law ;
That is the main
On which to draw-
In that we gain
A Captain Shaw !
(aside) Oh, Captain Shaw !
Type of true love kept under !
Could thy Brigade
With cold cascade
Quench my great love, I wonder !
CHORUS. Oh, Captain Shaw ! &c.
[Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.']
Enter PHYLLIS.
PHYLLIS, (half crying.) I can't think why I'm not in better spirits !
I'm engaged to two noblemen at once. That ought to be enough to make
any girl happy. But I'm miserable ! Don't suppose it's because I care
for Strephon, for I hate him ! No girl could care for a man who goes
about with a mother considerably younger than himself !
Enter LORD MOTOTARARAT and LORD TOLLOLLER.
LD. MOTOT. Phyllis ! My darling !
LD. TOLL. Phyllis ! My own !
PHYL. Don't ! How dare you ? Oh, but perhaps you're he two
noblemen I'm engaged to ?
LD. MOUNT. I am one of them.
29
LD. TOLL. I am the other.
PHTL. Oh, then, my darling ! (to MOTTNTARABAT.) My own ! (to
TOLLOLLEB.) Well, have you settled which it's to be ?
LD. TOLL. Not altogether. It's a difficult position. It would be hardly
delicate to toss up. On the whole we would rather leave it to you.
PHTL. How can it possibly concern me ? You are both Earls, and
you are both rich, and you are both plain.
LD. MOUNT. So we are. At least I am.
LD. TOLL. So am L
LD. MOUNT. No, no !
LD. TOLL. I am indeed. Very plain.
LD. MOUNT. Well, well perhaps you are.
PHTL. There's really nothing to choose between you. If one of
you would forego his title, and distribute his estates among his Irish
tenantry, why then I should then see a reason for accepting the other.
LD. MOUNT. Tolloller, are you prepared to make this sacrifice ?
LD. TOLL. No !
LD. MOUNT. Not even to oblige a lady ?
LD. TOLL. No !
LD. MOUNT. Then the only question is, which of us shall give way to
the other ? Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier with me. I
don't know. I may be wrong.
LD. TOLL. No. I don't know that you are. I really believe she would.
But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me of the girl of
my heart, one of us must die. It's a family tradition that I have sworn
to respect. It's a painful position, for I have a very strong regard for
you, George.
LD. MOUNT, (much affected}. My dear Thomas !
LD. TOLL. You are very dear to me, George. We were boys together
at least / was. If I were to survive you, my existence would be hope-
lessly embittered.
LD. MOUNT. Then, my dear Thomas, you must not do it. I say it
again and again if it will have this effect upon you, you must not do it.
No, no. If one of us is to destroy the other, let it be me !
LD. TOLL. No, no.
LD. MOUNT. Ah, yes ! by our boyish friendship I implore you !
LD. TOLL, (much moved). Well, well, be it so. But, no no I cannot
consent to an act which would crush you with unavailing remorse.
LD. MOUNT. But it would not do so. I should be very sad at first oh,
who would not be ? but it would wear off. I like you very much but
not, perhaps, as much as you like me.
LD. TOLL. George, you're a noble fellow, but that tell-tale tear betrays
you. No, George ; you are very fond of me, and I cannot consent to give
you a week's uneasiness on my account
LD. MOUNT. But, dear Thomas, it would not last a week ! Remember,
you lead the House of Lords ! on your demise I shall take your place !
Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day !
PHTL. (coming doivn). Now I do hope you're not going to fight about
me, because it's reallv eat worth while
30
LD. TOLL, (looking at Tier). Well, I don't believe it is !
LD. MOUNT. Nor I. The sacred ties of Friendship are paramount.
QUARTETTE MOUNTARARAT, TOLLOLLER, PHYLLIS, AND WILLIS.
LD. TOLL. Though p'raps I may incur your blame,
The things are few
I would not do
In Friendship's name !
LD. MOUNT. And I may say I think the same;
Not even love
Should rank above
True Friendship's name !
PHYL. Then free me, pray ; be mine the blamo ;
Forget your craze
And go your ways
In Friendship's name !
WILLIS. Accept, Friendship, all the same,
This sacrifice to thy dear name !
AT.T.. Oh, many a man, in Friendship's name,
Has yielded fortune, rank, and fame !
But no one yet, in the world so wide,
Has yielded up a promised bride !
[Exeunt MOUNTARARAT and TOLLOLLER, lovingly, in one direction, and
PHYLLIS in another.']
Enter LORD CHANCELLOR, very miserable.
RECIT. LORD CHANCELLOR.
Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest :
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers :
Love, nightmare like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers !
SONG. LORD CHANCELLOR.
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd
by anxiety,
I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without
impropriety ;
For your brain is on fire the bedclothes conspire of usual slumber to
plunder you :
First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your sheet slips
demurely from under you ;
Then the blanketing tickles you feel like mixed pickles so terribly
sharp is the pricking,
And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till there's
nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.
31
Then the hedclothes all creep to fche ground in a heap, and you pick 'em
all up in a tangle ;
Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its usual angle !
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot eye-balls and
head ever aching,
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd very
much better be waking ;
For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in a
steamer from Harwich
Which is something between a large bathing machine and a very small
second-class carriage
And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of friends
and relations
They're a ravenous horde and they all came on board at Sloane Square
and South Kensington Stations.
And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that
morning from Devon) ;
He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells you he's
only eleven.
Well, you're driving lik$ mad with this singular lad (by-the-bye the ship's
now a four-wheeler),
And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when you
tell him that " ties pay the dealer ;"
But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find you're
as cold as an icicle,
In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks), crossing
Salisbury Plain on a bicycle :
And he and the crew are on bicycles too which they've somehow or
other invested in
And he's telling the tars, all the parti culars of a company he's ia-
terested in
It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices, all goods from cough
mixtures to cables
(Which tickled the sailors) by treating retailers, as though they were all
vegetables
You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman, (first take off his
boots with a boot-tree),
And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and they'll blossom
and bud like a fruit-tree
From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea, cauliflower,
pineapple and cranberries,
While the pastry-cook plant, cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs, and
three-corners, and banberries
The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild and
Baring,
And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder despairing
32
You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder you
snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and pins
from your soles ixr your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your
left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on your
nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and a
thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been
sleeping in clover ;
But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the night has
been long ditto ditto my song and thank goodness they're both
of them over !
(LoRD CHANCELLOR falls exhausted on a seat.)
LORDS MOUNTARARAT and TOLLOLLER come forward.
LD. MOUNT. I am much distressed to see your Lordship in this condition.
LD. CH. Ah, my Lords, it is seldom that a Lord Chancellor has reason
to envy the position of another, but I am free to confess that I would
rather be two Earls engaged to Phyllis than any other half-dozen noble-
men upon the face of the globe !
LD. TOLL, (without enthusiasm). Yes. It's an enviable position when
you're the only one.
LD. MOUNT. Oh yes, no doubt most enviable. At the same time, seeing
you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, " This is very sad. His Lord-
ship is constitutionally as blithe as a bird he trills upon the bench like
a thing of song and gladness. His series of judgments in F sharp, given
andante in six-eight time, are among the most remarkable effects ever
produced in a Court of Chancery. He is, perhaps, the only living instance
of a judge whose decrees have received the honour of a double encore.
How can we bring ourselves to do that which will deprive the Court of
Chancery of one of its most attractive features ? "
LD. CH. I feel the force of your remarks, but I am here in two
capacities, and they clash, my lord, they clash ! I deeply grieve to say
that in declining to entertain my last application, I presumed to address
myself in terms which render it impossible for me ever to apply to myself
again. It was a most painful scene, my lord most painful !
LD. TOLL. This is what it is to have two capacities ! Let us be thankful
that we are persons of no capacity whatever.
LD. MOUNT. Come, come. Remember you are a very just and kindly old
gentleman, and you need have no hesitation in approaching yourself, so
that you do so respectfully and with a proper show of deference.
LD. CH. Do you really think so? Well, I will nerve myself to an-
other effort, and, if that fails, I resign myself to my fate !
TRIO LORD CHANCELLOR, LORDS MOCNTARARAT AND TOLLOLLEB,
LD. MOUNT. If you go in
You're sure to win
Yours will be the charming maidie :
Be your law
The ancient saw,
" Faint heart never won fair lady ! "
33
ALL. Faint heart never won fair lady !
Every journey has an end
When at the worst affairs will mend
Dark the dawn when day IB nigh
Hustle your horse and don't say die !
LD. TOLL. He who shies
At such a prize
Is not worth a maravedi,
Be so kind
To bear in mind
" Faint heart never won fair lady ! "
ALL. Faint heart never won fair lady !
While the sun shines make your hay
Where a will is, there's a way
Beard the lion in his lair
None hut the brave deserve the fair !
LD. CH, IT! take heart
* And make a start
Though I fear the prospect's shady-
Much I'd spend
To gain my end
Faint heart never won fair lady !
Aii Faint heart never won fair lady !
Nothing venture, nothing win
Blood is thick, but water's thin
In for a penny, in for a pound
It's Love that makes the world go round !
Dance, and exeunt arm-in-arm together.
Enter STREPHON, in very loiv spirits.
STREPH. I suppose one ought to enjoy onesself in Parliament, when one
leads both parties, as I do ! But I'm miserable, poor, broken-hearted fool
that I am ! Oh Phyllis, Phyllis !
Enter PHYLLIS.
PHTL. Yes?
STREPH. (surprised). Phyllis! But I suppose, I should say "My
Lady." I have not yet been informer* which title your ladyship has
pleased to select ?
34
PHTL. I I haven't quite decided. You see / have no mother to
advise me !
STREPH. No. I have.
PHTL. Yes ; a young mother.
STREPH. Not very a couple of centuries or so.
PHTL. Oh ! She wears well,
STEEPH. She does. She's a fairy.
PHTL. I beg your pardon a what ?
STEEPH. Oh, I've no longer any reason to conceal the fact she's a
fairy.
PHTL. A fairy ! Well, but that would account for a good many
things ! Then I suppose you're a fairy ?
STEEPH. I'm half a fairy.
PHTL. Which half ?
STEEPH. The upper half down to the waistcoat.
PHTL. Dear me (prodding him with her fingers). There is nothing to
show it ! But why didn't you tell me this before ?
STBEPH. I thought you would take a dislike to me. But as it's all off,
you may as well know the truth I'm only half a mortal !
PHTL. (crying). But I'd rather have half a mortal I do love, than half
a dozen I don't !
STEEPH. Oh, I think not go to your half dozen.
PHTL. (crying}. It's only two ! and I hate 'em ! Please forgive me !
STEEPH. I don't think I ought to. Besides, all sorts of difficulties
will arise. You know, my grandmother looks quite as young as my
mother. So do all my aunts.
PHTL. I quite understand. Whenever I see you kissing a very young
lady, I shall know its an elderly relative.
STREPH. You will ? Then, Phyllis, I think we shall be very happy I
(embracing her).
PHTL. We wont wait long.
SXEEPH. No we might change our minds. We'll get married first.
PHTL. And change our minds afterwards ?
STEEPH. That's the usual course.
35
DUET. STREPHON AND PHYLLIS.
STKEPH. If we're weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
Of the feeling I inspire
You may tire
By and bye.
For Peers with flowing coffew
Press their offers
That is why
I think we will not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I J
If we're weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
With some more attractive maiden,
^ Jewel-laden,
You may fly.
If by chance we should be parted,
Broken hearted
I should die
So I think we will not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and 1 1
PHTL. But does your mother know you're I mean, is she aware of
an engagement?
Enter IOLANTHE.
IOL. She is and thus she welcomes her daughter-in-law ! (kisses Tier).
PHTL. She kisses just like other people ! But the Lord Chancellor !
STREPH. I forgot him ! Mother, none can resist your fairy eloquence :
you will go to him, and plead for us ?
IOL. (Much agitated.) No, no, impossible !
STREPH. But our happiness our very lives,
s consent !
PHTL. Oh, madam, you cannot refuse to do this I
STREPH. But our happiness our very lives, depend upon our obtaining
his consent !
36
lot. You know not what you ask! The Lord Chancellor is my
husband'!
STREPH AND PHTL. Your husband !
IOL. My husband and your father ! {addressing Strephon, who is much
moved).
Pnn.. Then our course is plain : on his learning that Strephon is his
son, all objection to our marriage will be at once removed !
IOL. No, he must never know ! He believes me to have died childless,
and dearly as I love him, I am bound, under penalty of death, not to
undeceive him. But see he comes ! Quick my veil ! (They retire up
as lolanthe veils herself.)
Enter LOKD CHANCELLOR.
LD. Cn. Victory ! Victory ! Success has crowned my efforts, and I may
consider myself engaged to Phyllis ! At first I wouldn't hear of it it
was out of the question. But I took heart. I pointed out to myself that
I was no stranger to myself that, in point of fact, I had been personally
acquainted with myself for some years. This had its effect. I admitted
that I had watched my professional advancement with considerable
interest, and I handsomely added that I yielded to no one in admiration
for my private and professional virtues. This was a great point gained.
I then endeavoured to work upon my feelings. Conceive my joy when I
distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye ! Eventually, after a
severe struggle with myself, I reluctantly most reluctantly consented !
IOLANTHK comes down veiled STREPHON and PHYLLIS go off on tip-toe.
EECIT.
IOL. My Lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel,
Oh, listen to a mother's fond appeal !
Hear me to-night ! I come in urgent noed
'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead !
BALLAD. IOLANIHE.
He loves ! If the bygone years
Thine eyes have ever shed
Tears bitter, unavailing tears,
For one untimely dead
If in the eventide of life
Sad thoughts of her arise,
Then let the memory of thy wife
Plead for my boy he dies !
37
He dies ! If fondly laid aside
In some old cabinet,
Memorials of thy long-dead bride
Lie, dearly treasured yet,
Then let her hallowed bridal dress
Her little dainty gloves
Her withered flowers her faded tress
Plead for my boy he loves !
The LORD CHANCELLOR is moved by this appeal. After a pause :
LD. CH. It may not be for so the fates decide
Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride !
IOL. (in horror). Thy bride ! No ! No !
LD. CH. It shall be so !
Those who would separate us woe betide !
IOL. My doom thy lips have spoken
I plead in vain !
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear ! forbear !
IOL. A vow anready broken
I break again !
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear ! forbear I
IOL. For him for her for thee
I yield my life.
Behold it may not be !
I am thy wife
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (witJutut). Aiaiah ! Aiaiah ! Willaloo I
LD. CH. (recognizing her). lolanthe ! thou livest ?
IOL. Aye !
I live ! Now let me die I
Enter FAIRY QUEEN and FAIRIES. IOLANIHE kneels to her.
QUEEN. Once again thy vows are broken :
Thou thyself thy doom hath spoken !
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah ! Aiaiah !
Willahalah ! Willaloo !
Laloiah ! Laloiah !
Willahalah ! Willaloo !
QUEEN. Bow thy head to Destiny :
Death thy doom, and thou shalt die !
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah ! Aiaiah ! &c.
The PEERS and STREPHON enter. The QUEEN raises her spear.
38
LEILA. Hold ! If lolanthe must die, so must we all ; for, as she has
sinned, so have we !
QUEEN. What ! (PEERS and FAIRIES kneel to Tier LORD MOUNTARARAT
with CELIA ; LORD TOLLOLLER with LEILA.)
CELIA. We are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses,
viscountesses, and baronesses.
LD. MOUNT. It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves.
QUEEN. It seems they have helped themselves, and pretty freely, too !
(After a pause.) You have all incurred death ; but I can't slaughter the
whole company ! And yet (unfolding a scroll) the law is clear every
fairy must die who marries a mortal !
LD. CH. Allow me, as an old equity draughtsman, to make a sugges-
tion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the emergency. The
thing is really quite simple the insertion of a single word will do it.
Let it stand that every fairy shall die who dont marry a mortal, and there
you are, out of your difficulty at once !
QUEEN. We like your humour. Very well ! (Altering the MS. in
pencil.) Private Willis !
SENTRY (coming forward). Ma'am!
QUEEN. To save my life, it is necessary that I marry at once. How
should you like to be a fairy guardsman ?
SENTRY. Well, ma'am, I don't think much of the British soldier who
wouldn't ill-conwenience himself to save a female in distress.
QUEEN. You are a brave fellow. You're a fairy from this moment
(wings spring from Sentry's shoulders?) And you, my Lords, how say you,
Will you join our ranks ?
(Fairies kneel to Peers and implore them to do so).
LD. MOUNT, (to LD. TOLLOLLER). Well, now that the Peers are to be
recruited entirely from persons of intelligence, I really don't see what use
we are, down here.
LD. TOL. None whatever.
QUEEN. Good ! (Wings spring from shoulders of Peers.) Then away
we go to Fairyland.
FINALE.
PHYL, Soon as we may,
Off and away !
We'll commence our journey airy-
Happy are we
As you can see,
Every one is now a fairy !
ATX. Every one is now a fairy 1
IOL., QUEEN, & PHIL. Though as a general rule we know
Two strings go to every bow,
Make up your minds that grief 'twill bring,
If you've two beaux to every string.
ALL. Though as a general rule, &0.
LD. CHAN. Up in the sky,
Ever so high,
Pleasures come in endless series ;
We will arrange
Happy exchange
House of Peers for House of Peris I
ALL. House of Peers for House of Peris !
LD. CHAN., MOUNT., & TOLL. Up in the air, sky high, sky high,
Free from Wards in Chancery,
surely happier, for
I He's I 8U k a susce Ptible Chancellor I
ALL. ,* Up in the air, &o.
CURTAIN.
I TT ( TO!!
Henderson, Rait, & Spalding, Printers, 345, Marylebone Lane, London, W.
OLIVETTE,
Comic Optra*
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Wben I First put this Uniform on .. .. .. ..40
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M Spurn not the nobly born " ... ... 40
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