A journal of the life and gospel labours of John Conran, of Moyallen, in Ireland, who died in the year 1827 : now first published from the original MSS

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JOUENA

OP THE

LIFE AND GOSPEL LABOURS

/

JOHN CONKAN,

OF MOYALLEN, IN IRELAND, WHO DIED IN THE
YEAR 1827.

Nab tot juiltefoefc from tfc* oriental JHSS.

W«

PHILADELPHIA:
HENRY LONGSTRETH,

No. 347 MARKET STREET.
1852.

LC Control Number

tmp96 029033

PEEFACE,

In offering to the public the present small volume, it may
be well to state that it has been selected from the manu-
script journal of our dear friend John Conran, late of
Moyallen, in the county of Down, Ireland. Care has
been taken, in making these extracts, to preserve and
connect all the most valuable and instructive matter,
leaving out only such passages as did not appear desir-
able for publication, or whose scope was embraced in
other parts of the work. Some verbal alterations have
also been made to lessen the many repetitions, and a few
additions where a clearer elucidation of the sense of the
writer seemed required, which have in most cases been
placed within brackets ; the sole object of the Compiler
having been neither to add to, nor to diminish from, the
testimony which this faithful servant and labourer in the
gospel was concerned thus to leave on record, for the
magnifying of that Divine Grace which was not bestowed
on him in vain, and by which he was what he was. For
the above-mentioned omissions the editor finds a sanc-
tion in the following allusion to his journal, made by
John Conran near the close of his life : — " Upon having
these memoirs read tb me> I observe some matters which

(ui)

IV PREFACE.

may appear, and did so to me, as scarcely proper to be
inserted in them — to the wise and prudent, among us
and others, they will appear to be foolishness ; but as I
sat this day in religious retirement, it was opened on my
mind that the new birth is brought forth like the natural
one in a state of infancy — in this state we think as a
child, and speak as a child, and use and practice childish
things ; but when we gain some further strength and ac-
quaintance with the Divine mind, we gradually see things
as they really are, and lay aside these childish things,
experiencing a growth in spiritual stature till we attain
that of a young man or woman in Christ. Some years
since also being retired into religious silence, at a time
of great discouragement from having heard that Isaac
Sharpies had destroyed his writings, the following
charge was clearly uttered within me, ' Gather up thy
fragments, let nothing be lost, for they will be looked for.'
Under these considerations, I feel easy to leave these
passages to the revision and discretion of solid Friends,
to retain or obliterate as they may think them likely to
be useful or otherwise. — John Conran, Moyallen, llth of
Fourth Month, 1827."

Should any in rising from the perusal of the succeed-
ing pages admit feelings of discouragement, from observ-
ing the deep probations through which our dear friend
had frequently to pass during the latter period of his
life, it is hoped that they will recollect that he was a
chosen instrument in the Divine Hand, and as suoh

PREFACE. V

needed again and again to be dipped into Jordan for his
further purifying for the work whereunto he was called ;
and that as he was thus deeply baptized, so he was the more
enabled to live very near in spirit to the Source of all
good, and was often refreshed by Him who promised to
be " as the dew unto Israel," at times in a manner which
it would not be suitable, perhaps not possible, to convey
to others. So let none be dismayed, or cast away their
confidence ; rather let them continually remember that
" He is faithful who has promised," and that no more
will be required of the feeblest of His fold than he will
with the requirement give them strength either to endure
or to perform.

It is believed that to those yet remaining, who knew
and loved John Conran, these memorials of the Lord's
leadings and. tender dealings with him will be precious,
and will revive in their remembrance the line upon line
and precept upon precept which he was made an instru-
ment of conveying to them in the days of their youth,
when the visitation of Divine love was extended to them ;
may the recurrence thereof lead to the heart-felt inquiry,
how far the Heavenly calls have been answered, and their
day's work kept pace with their day ; and if a degree of
fear and doubt should clothe their minds on this scrutiny,
may there be an earnest applying for Holy help to make
straighter steps to their feet the remainder of their little
time, that so they may yet be enabled to glorify and
praise His name, whose mercy endureth for ever ! And

VI PREFACE.

may those of the rising and succeeding generations, in
observing the unshaken faith, the simple obedience, the
confiding patience, and the deep humility which charac-
terized this faithful servant of his good Lord, be stimu-
lated to follow him as he endeavoured to follow Christ,
that so they also may be graciously permitted to lay
down their heads with peace and praise !

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I.

PAGE

John Conran — His Education — Early Life — Religious
Exercises — Convincement of the Truth — And leading
into the Testimonies thereof. 1

CHAPTER II.
1773. His preparation for the Ministry — Travels as
guide to Esther Tuke — Also with Mary Robinson and
Barbara Drewry — His first appearance in the ministry
— Accompanies Christiana Hustler and Phebe Marshall. 31

CHAPTER III.

1782. Attends the Yearly Meeting in London — Joins
Robert Valentine and John Hall in visiting Leinster
and Munster provinces — His Marriage — Visit to the
families of Ballyhagen and Ballinderry Meetings 65

CHAPTER IV.
1786. Religious services in Ulster Province — And in
Carlow Meeting — Death of his Daughter — Visits the
Meetings in Munster Province — Illness and Death of

his Wife—Returns into Munster 102

(vii)

Vlll CONTENTS.

CHAPTER V.

PAQl

Attends sundry Meetings from 1808 to 1812 — Visits the
families in Waterford, Clonmel, and Cork — Various
Exercises and Services around Home 123

CHAPTER VI.
1815. Continuation of the Journal of his religious expe-
rience and services 149

CHAPTER VII.
1819. He becomes a Member of Lurgan Monthly Meet-
ing— Religious Exercises — Accompanies John Kirk-
ham and Visits the Families with him in Dublin — Con-
tinuation of his exercises and services 174

CHAPTER VIII.

1824. Various Exercises and Openings in Scripture
Doctrine — Conclusion of his Journal — Testimony of
the Monthly Meeting of Lisburn concerning him 223

THE

LIFE OF JOHN CONRAN,

CHAPTER I.

JOHN CONRAN — HIS EDUCATION — EARLY LIFE —
RELIGIOUS EXERCISES — CONVINCEMENT OF THE
TRUTH — AND LEADING INTO THE TESTIMONIES
THEREOF.

I have had it on my mind, at sundry times for
years past, to leave some memorial of the tender
and merciful dealings of a gracious Creator with
me, unworthy as I feel of the least of them ; and I
trust and hope my endeavouring to do so at this
time proceeds more from a desire to give the praise
to whom it is due, than to exalt the creature, to
whom only belongs shame and confusion of face.

I am now, (1808), in the 69th year of my age,
and though the concerns of my past life may by
many be thought of little consequence to the pub-
lic, for whom they are not recorded, yet they may
prove of advantage to some who may be led to

ID

Z THELIFEOF

travel in that path which the vulture's eye has not
seen. The keen discerning eye of human wisdom
hath not been able, in any age of the world, to dis-
close that mystery that was hid from the wise and
prudent, in all ages and generations ; but the
patriarchs, prophets, and apostles, being way-faring
men, of simple manners, and not acquainted with
that learning which the heathens took so much
pride in, walked in the living experience of the
ways and workings of the Divine grace in their own
hearts, following and obeying it, and were thereby
made partakers of that covenant of life, which
cometh only and alone through the spiritual appear-
ance of Jesus Christ within them. Such as these,
let their outward name to religion be what it may,
whilst they obeyed this heavenly light and were
followers of it, became children of it, and the works
they did in obedience to it were works of righteous-
ness, and were accepted at their hands. It was
after this manner, that many professing heathenism,
were not only a law to themselves, but their lives
and conversation made them as lights in the world ;
the full manifestation of the glorious gospel day,
being reserved for the coming and appearance of
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which day
Abraham saw in the vision of life and was glad: in
the same life and light the prophets and holy men
of old, as they were inspired by the Holy Spirit,

JOHN CONEAN. 3

foretold these glad tidings. This revelation, man
by his own wisdom, and aided by all the acquired
learning either of himself or others, was not able
to comprehend ; neither was this learning sufficient
for men in former ages, nor is it sufficient in this
age or generation, savingly to show to themselves or
to others, who Christ within, the hope of glory, is,
or to enable them to confess Him in life and con-
versation, governed by holy fear, that He is the
Christ, the Son of the living God — flesh andiblood
cannot reveal this now, no more than it could to
Peter, but our Father who is heaven. Believing in
this Scripture, Matt. xi. 27., that " no man (as man)
knoweth the Son, but the Father, nor the Father,
but the Son, and those only to whom the Son doth
reveal Him " — I make these few observations in the
forepart of this narrative, as my mode of living,
birth and parentage, was not corresponding with
my profession and faith at this day. And as my
change from the outward and visible signs, repre-
senting God's grace to man, to the inward and
spiritual grace typified by these shadows, was not
the result of my own wisdom or will, or that of
others, but arising from the secret manifestations of
His Divine grace in my heart, I feel desirous to
bear my testimony to this inward revelation of light
and truth, which I fully believe comes from Jesus
Christ, to redeem those who feel it and are obedient

4 T HE LIFE OF

to it, from all unrighteousness and the world's lusts,
and to teach them to live soberly, righteously, [and
godly,] in this present world, Titus ii. 11, 12 ; and
that it not only teaches us, but also is sufficient to
help and deliver us in every needful time of trial,
which a belief in the outward ordinances, and the
observation of times and ceremonies, never did
accomplish for me, as may be seen hereafter in this
recital.

I was born in the city of Dublin, in the year
1739, my parents professing with the Church of
England, I was bred in that profession, and had
the advantage of a pretty liberal education under a
clergyman of that way. After I had acquired some
acquaintance with the classics, before I was twelve
years old, I was placed under the care of Abraham
Shackleton of Ballitore, where I acquired further
improvement in my former studies, as well as an
acquaintance with such learning as was necessary to
qualify me for business. I may not omit a circum-
stance which attended me there when about thirteen
years of age, being an instance of the merciful visi-
tation of Divine grace to us in early youth, appear-
ing as a spirit of judgment, and condemning those
things which His blessed Spirit holds a controversy
with. In company with some of my school-fellows,
I drank some sweet liquor, (Shrub) which overcame
me: after I was in bed some time, I felt close con-

JOHN CONRAN. 5

victions take hold of me, which made me sorrowful,
— these gradually grew upon me, and were suc-
ceeded by great terrors of death, and future judg-
ment,which caused me to cry out for mercy, and that
I would never be guilty of the same again. My old
master came up to my bed-side, and stood abstracted
till this dispensation subsided, perhaps about fifteen
minutes. These impressions, though deep at the
time, were soon erased, and I thought very little
more about it, being taken up with amusements.

I was placed apprentice in Lisburn, in the county
of Antrim, to learn the linen-trade ; in that situa-
tion I had more liberty than hitherto I had expe-
rienced. My intimate acquaintance was with young
men about my age, and having a pretty good share
of money given to me by my relations, it led me
into amusements to which youth are incident. I
kept a horse, and was very fond of hunting; I
attended balls and assemblies, to which I was much
addicted, and this led to a desire after fine clothes,
which I indulged to an expensive degree ; I was
also fond of music, and had a strong propensity to
singing and whistling, which the love of music leads
to. I may say with Solomon, I gave my heart to
know pleasure in most shapes, which the sons of
men are given to — not as the wise man said, to
know what it was good for ; that knowledge was
reserved by the good Shepherd for a future day,

6 THE LITE OF

■when I was made to see in that light which is
superior to the written word, that these things lead
to the chambers of death ; for the lovers of pleasure
are not, nor can be. lovers of God. as there is no con-
cord between Christ and Belial. I continued pretty
much in these practices and habits till I was about
twenty-four years of age. when I felt my mind
oftentimes brought into serious reflections, and
that disposition gradually wore away which led me
into gay company, and at the same time out from
hearing the Divine voice, which is a still small voice
in the secret of my heart ; and to the surprise
of many, some of whom were otherwise valuable
members of the community, I left the assemblies
which were termed innocent amusements. I had
lodgings in town, and kept very much at home ; my
former companions used to come and tempt me to
go with them, but I refused with such a coun-
tenance bespeaking a degree of solidity as sur-
prised them, and I heard it was reported I was
taking leave of my senses, which occasioned others
to come and look at me to see if it were so. My
disposition for singing and whistling, which was a
favourite amusement, fell away, I could not tell
how, and I think I never resumed it ; and although
my education never led me to look inward for that
which is only to be found within, yet I was often
led into secret recollection and retirement in spirit,

JOHN CONRAN. 7

which led me into a belief, and perhaps some sensible
experience, that what was to be known of God was
made manifest within. My secret breathings began
to be after God, these led me to the frequent atten-
dance of public worship, and I very rarely missed
receiving the bread and wine, except I apprehended
myself disqualified. The recommendation not to
approach the Lord's table, nor to receive the ele-
ments unworthily, lest I should eat and drink my
own damnation, had been a block at which I had
long stumbled ; but one day, on that occasion, I
thought I felt restrained from going out as usual
with those who did not communicate, so in much
fear I approached the table, and received the bread
and wine, which gave me great satisfaction that I
had now received this rite of my church, and I con-
tinued this practice for some years. I believe I was
permitted in this seeking state of mind, to try this
ceremony what it was good for, for I was an advo-
cate for the religion of my education, and I have
been told by a dignitary in it, that he was always
glad to see me in church, as my deportment there
was devout, and he was sorry to lose me.

I was intimately acquainted with sundry of the
people called Quakers, and had an esteem and
friendship for them ; but their pretensions to such
refinements in religion, their claim to inspiration,
and their silent meetings with the benefit said to

8 THE LIFE OF

arise from them, I could not well relish, neither did
I at all believe it. I was of the judgment that the
New Testament contained all that was necessary for
man's salvation, but it used at times to stagger me,
how I should put to practice its precepts — in it was
the form, but where was the power to fulfil ? Often-
times I did groan for deliverance from the power of
sin and death, and like many of my then fellow-com-
municants, I believed there was no redemption from
it on this side of the grave ; this settled me down
in a degree of ease in the outside performances,
which like the law formerly did not make the comers
thereunto perfect ; yet to me, I believe, they were
made useful to bring me unto the better Covenant.
Whilst I was seeking after redemption from sin and
transgression, I left the town, and took a farm, where
I have now lived about forty-three years : I believe
this removal was in the ordering of best Wisdom, it
led me away in a great degree from my former
acquaintance and habits ; my spare time was taken
up with useful, and to me they were agreeable,
occupations, I farmed, and followed my linen busi-
ness. I attended the public worship rather more
constantly than before, though about three miles
distant, and thought nothing could shake my opi-
nions which were orthodox in relation to it ; I had
not any thoughts of making so important a revolu-
tion as to change or alter the religion of mv educa-

JOHN CONRAN-, 9

tion — here I was at ease. But from my frequently
retiring into a secret communion in my own heart
and being still, I was gradually led to a close reliance
and dependence upon Divine instruction, not con-
sidering that any other body of Christians made
this profession more openly than I did. Divine
Mercy saw me at this time, as He saw Nathanael
formerly under the fig-tree, when no other saw him,
and suffered me to try my own strength, in endea-
vouring to establish my own righteousness ; that by
finding it unequal in the contest with the man of
sin, I might more readily submit, when the time
should more fully come to ask for and receive
strength from Him upon whom our help is laid.

I usually presented my petitions night and morn-
ing, that I might be preserved from temptations
and from sins, and very frequently read some por-
tions of Scripture before I went to bed. The week
before I received the elements I usually read the
service appointed thereto, and watched over my
words and temper, that I might receive this rite
with some degree of acceptance. But it was often
cause of surprise to me, that I felt no additional
strength to be derived from my pretty constant at-
tendance on public worship and the sacrament, so
called, having read and heard of the beneficial ef-
fects obtained from receiving the bread and wine ; for
on those occasions, (which were to me in good degree

10 THE LIPE OP

solemn,) when I retired from what was called the
Lord's table, and humbly kneeling in the pew I re-
turned thanks to God, and prayed that it might be
blessed to my regeneration, my prayers even then
seemed to be dry and unproductive of the fruits I
was taught to expect from them. All this was per-
formed in my own strength — I said I would be wise,
but it was far from me — the hair that was by nature
black was not hereby made white, nor that which
was crooked made straight, and instead of the old
man being more crucified then than before, the ene-
mies of my own house kept possession; yet I may say
their goods were not in peace, I longed to get them
turned out, and to be set free from the law of sin and
death,under which I groaned and strove for the mas-
tery. I had a natural warmth in my disposition,
which I was very desirous to overcome as it unsettled
my mind from that state of quiet in which I found
rest ; but all the care I used was not sufficient at
times'to subdue it, and it was cause of great uneasi-
ness to me when it did get up : yet I was enabled
through Divine favour to keep up a fair outside ap-
pearance with men, was not guilty of immorality,
and was reckoned sober and religious,and upon these
grounds I held a pretty good opinion of my own at-
tainments. Here I was ready to settle down, and to
think I had reached the desired haven of rest ; but
this state, I believe, is one of the subtilties of our

JOHN CONRAN. 11

grand adversary, and is a false rest, and not [that]
prepared for the people of Grod : out of this the ene-
my will not disturb us, he will allow us to remain
there all our lives, as I fear too many do — resting in
their own labours, their works will not follow them.
But my merciful Redeemer, who knew the integrity
of my heart, and saw that bread did not satisfy my
hungry soul, because I hungered and thirsted after
righteousness which these things did not produce,
was pleased to visit me again and again by the se-
cret touches of His Holy Spirit, gradually drawing
my attention thereunto season after season, making
me acquainted therewith as a light in my dark heart,
and as a reprover and swift witness against the ap-
pearances of evil, to which I gave heed, and rejoiced
in it, but must say I knew it not as I have since
known it ; I believed it was Divine, but my mind
being so limited by the prejudices of education in
favour of that profession of religion I was taught to
believe in, I did not look for, neither did I expect
to feel, in myself, the second appearance of our Lord
Jesus Christ without sin unto salvation. My views
and expectations were outward, my worship was
only in the outward court, which was trodden by
the Gentile spirit. I sought for Him without,
whom my soul secretly desired to find — a, Saviour
who was promised to save us from our sins, and not
in them. Sin had become so exceedingly sinful to

12 THE LIFE OF

me, that my cry at times was, " a Redeemer, or I
perish ;" — but I found Him not — I was seeking the
living amongst the dead — the law formerly did not
make the comers thereunto perfect. He, whom I
was seeking, was risen, and the day was coming
upon me that these empty forms and shadows were
to flee away, and the Sun of Righteousness to arise
with healing in His wings, in order to bring forth
that life in me, which, being hid with Christ in God,
all my endeavours in my own strength, will, and
wisdom, proved ineffectual. And when the day of
the Lord's power came upon all those things I
thought so much of, as my attainments in a reli-
gious life and conversation, it burned as an oven, and
consumed everything of that nature, that the Lord
alone might rule and reign in my heart, whose right
it is. My righteousness appeared to be as filthy
rags, and was not sufficient to cover my nakedness ;
I could then say with holy Job, ' " Naked I came
into the world, and naked I shall go out," unless,
oh Lord, thou cover me with a new garment, the
fig-leaf covering does not hide me from thy judg-
ments,' which then began to be revealed in my soul.
I had been in the practice of going occasionally
to the meetings of Friends for years past, but as my
spirit became exercised after more durable riches
than I had already obtained, I attended them more
frequently, yet cannot say, I felt my self much bene-

JOHN CONRAN. 13

fited thereby ; for, although I knew the people
called Quakers made profession of a more spiritual
religion than other people in this land, I was not
then capable of forming a just judgment of that
which I had only heard of by the hearing of the
outward ear ; my spiritual eye had not been then
anointed, by which only I could see the wonders of
the new creation of God, in, and through, His dear
Son, Christ Jesus. The time was not yet come that
the Lord would enter into His temple, and the
earth would be moved at His Divine presence, who
indeed is the Lord of the whole earth, and worthy,
worthy to be feared, honoured, and obeyed !

Whilst I was in this seeking frame of mind, I
attended a Province Meeting held in Lurgan. In
the first sitting a Friend spoke upon this portion of
Scripture, " Behold, I stand at the door and knock :
if any man hear my voice and open the door, I
will come in to him, and will sup with him and he
with me." I did not find this testimony produced
any good effect in me, for I was built up in a good
opinion of the religious profession of my education,
and I did not see much in the lives and conversa-
tions of many amongst the Quakers, to induce me
to give them much preference to many amongst my
fellow-professors : moreover, I did not comprehend
the nature or use of silent meetings. There was a
Friend there from Pennsylvania, Robert Willis, I

14 THE LIFE OF

think he was silent in that sitting. L : >n Friends
gathering in:o the Meeting for Discipline. I went
in, not knowing the impropriety of it ; and though
there were doorkeepers they let rne pass on as they
observed a solemnity in my countenance. In the
pause of silence Robert Willis spoke, what ir was I
could not tell, my mind being gathered into inward
silence ; but such a power broke in upon me that
I was greatly broken into tears, and my whole
body was shaken in an extraordinary manner, at-
tended by feeling the Divine Life to arise within
me ; and though it brought a spirit of judgment
with it, yet it left a healing virtue, so that I thought
then I would not be ashamed to confess to the Truth
in the public streets, let the shame be ever so great.
The cross then was nothing to me when compared
with the treasure which was hidden in my heart : I
was then determined to sell all, so that I could gain
this pearl I had been searching for so long in vain
among the rubbish. Oh ! I remember that day,
how I did rejoice ! a new song was put into my
mouth, even praises to my God !

I do not expect any other but that this statement
will be called enthusiasm, or the effects of a disturbed
or warm imagination, by those who have never been
acquainted in themselves with the like happy and
blessed experience, which I call, as to myself, the
beginning's of the new creation of God in Christ

JOHNCONRAK. 15

Jesus. The Gospel, in the days of the first messen-
gers, was termed by the worldly-wise and prudent,
foolishness — an eminent publisher of it was told too
much learning had made him mad ; their lives, in-
deed, were counted as madness, because the life they
then lived was in Christ Jesus, whilst the lives of
those who condemned them were after the flesh,
fulfilling the lusts thereof. At the same time I fear
there are many who make a profession with me of
those things, who are not able to comprehend them,
for we have not any thing that is good but what is
given to us of God ; and if we are not concerned to
ask wisdom from Him, we shall not receive it, for the
promise remains to be to those who ask: some
amongst us do ask, but they ask amiss, asking that
from the form which it cannot give. To these states
I shall not use any reasoning to strive to convince
them of their error, having the experience in my-
self, how hard, nay, I may say, how impossible it
would have been to have convinced me of these
truths before, till Divine Mercy was extended to me,
and by a simple operation comparable to the clay
and spittle to open my blind eyes, so as measurably
to enable me to see the light of His glorious coun-
tenance, and to confess Him before men. But I
write these things for the way-faring man and wo-
man who may be travelling Zionward, and can read
me in their own experience, to encourage them to

16 THE LIFE OF

hold on their way, and to let no discouragements
they may meet with in their wilderness travel,
cause them to look back to Egypt, for it is only
those who hold out to the end that will be saved.
I was now very much reduced to silence, and my
spirit oft-times inward, waiting and looking after
Him whom my soul loved. I thought, having found
Him of whom Moses and the prophets did write —
whose blessed day Abraham saw in the vision of
life, and was glad, and whose blood of sprinkling
speaketh better things than that of Abel — that now
the Egyptian bondage of sin was at an end ; which
perhaps was the case with Israel formerly, when
Moses brought the message to them from the God
of their fathers, commanding Pharaoh to let Israel
go and worship their God. But spiritual Pharaoh
was not to be so easily prevailed against as I
thought. When he found I was for moving from
under his government, and making for the promised
land, submitting myself day after day to the guid-
ance of the cloud by day, and the bright flame by
night, I was closely pursued by him, his horsemen
and chariots, as if they were determined I should
not escape from them. The power that was per-
mitted to them to try me with was great, so much
so that I thought there was no power so great, not
having as yet experienced the coming of Him who
was stronger than they, clothed with the power of

JOHN CONRAN. 17

His Father, to spoil [the strong man] of his goods,
turn them out and take possession for Himself.
This is the work of regeneration, so little known by
the worldly-minded professors — this is the gospel
of glad tidings, (the power of God,) preaching and
teaching liberty to the captive, and the opening of
the prison doors to them who had been bound by
the chains of darkness and of sin. This is not the
work of a day, or of a year — perhaps it maybe that
of the greatest part of our lives, to be going on
towards perfection, as the apostle Paul declared,
" Not that we are already perfect ;" though he had
been a preacher of the great and acceptable year of
the Lord in Arabia and the coasts and the nations
round about ; the command of our Lord and Master
must be remembered in every stage of our journey,
to " watch and pray."

Oh ! the terrors that surrounded me by day and
by night, lest the enemy should overpower me, and
bring me back to the house of bondage, having been
already made a partaker of a degree of the glorious
liberty of the sons of God. One temptation after
another was presented to me, some in the wisdom
and guile of the serpent, blasphemies in the roaring
of the lion were spiritually uttered in my hearing ;
but I found by experience my peace and safety was
in deep retirement of spirit and silence ; and though
the subtle adversary came only to kill and to de-
2

18 THE LIFE OF

stroy, yet his waters turned God's mill, driving me
homeland to seek for help where help was laid,
and in due time I found to be there. Deep in-
deed were my conflicts, so that I was willing to
exchange conditions with the labouring poor, if I
might find peace with God and remission of past
sins.

In Eleventh Month, 1772, 1 attended the Half-
year's Meeting in Dublin : at this time I had not
made any alteration in my dress or appearance, it
was pretty much in the usual way of other people.
In one of the meetings for worship I felt my mind
drawn into deep silence — every outward considera-
tion seemed to be withdrawn, and a deep solemnity
was the covering of my spirit, which I very much
gave up to, having found my strength at times
renewed by it. In this season R. Willis stood up,
and what he delivered I believe I did not then
know, nor have I since, but I felt my lost state and
condition so set before me in the secret of my soul,
that with the anguish of it I cried for mercy ; for
I thought the pit was open and ready to receive
me, and all the horrors of it surrounded me. This
visitation of judgment, with the terrors attending
on it, brought me very deep and low in my mind,
and I found the [Divine] fear to operate as a foun-
tain of life, preserving me more from the snares of
sin and death than the many years of will- worship

JOHN CONRAxN. 19

I had been in the practice of. I could now say,
from an awful experience, that my Redeemer lived,
was a God near at hand and not afar off, and that
He was of purer eyes than to behold sin of any
kind with any degree of approbation. I returned
home much humbled, was often in retired silence,
and diligently searched the scriptures to find some
relief to my troubled mind ; and I can bear my
testimony to them, that they are the scriptures of
the Spirit of Truth, given forth of old time by holy
men of old as they were inspired of the Holy
Ghost; the same Divine Spirit bearing witness to
them in my spirit, and opening to me counsel and
instruction, to my edification and comfort.

It was now that the Lord's judgments were
revealed in my earth, that I might thereby learn
righteousness, all my sins and my transgressions,
which were many, were set in order before me ; it
appeared that a book of remembrance had been
kept on high, and that nothing was forgotten. Oh !
the terrors of those days, when the righteous Judge
of quick and dead sat in judgment in my soul,
arrayed in terrible majesty and power, not only to
search out the most hidden things, as if nothing
was to escape His all-seeing eye, but I was made
livingly sensible He had the power to cast into
hell. Day after day uttered speech, and night
after night declared knowledge, that there was no

20 THE LIFE OF

repentance in the grave, the repentance and re-
mission must be done in these bodies ; for hours I
have been on my knees with uplifted hands, asking
for mercy, and sometimes apparently brought to
the brink of everlasting death before I could feel
remission of sin. My duty to my parents was
brought into inquisition, and I had to make a close
inquiry, in great fear, as they were both dead, and
no recompense in my power ; but I had the peace-
ful answer to make on the scrutiny, that I had not
ever wilfully disobliged or behaved undutifully to
them. Oh ! ye children, let me entreat it of you,
in the fear of the Lord, " obey your parents in the
Lord, for this is well-pleasing' ' in his holy sight;
and you who act in a light manner by your parents,
and trouble them by your disobedient conduct, I
am persuaded of it, you will have to answer for
it in this world, or in that which is to come.

Now, to speak on a subject that such numbers,
whom I prefer to myself in acquired knowledge and
natural understanding, place so great dependence
upon, is hard for me ; yet I cannot easily avoid re-
lating my experience of that formal profession I
made, when all my deeds of righteousness (so called)
and unrighteousness were brought before the great
tribunal that was now set up in my heart. I saw
that when the true church fled into the wilderness,
and the great red dragon cast out his floods of per-

JOHNCONRAN. 21

secution after her, there was a place prepared for
her there for a time, times [and half a time ;] that
then the wisdom of men got into dominion, and sat
as antichrist in the temple of man's heart, where
Christ before had sat and ruled as the Head of His
church. Then they apostatized from the true faith,
which was his Divine gift to his church, and having
lost the light in the darkness of the human under-
standing, they set up a form of godliness, denying
the power that can only produce it ; and instead of
the true and living faith which was once delivered
to the saints, they established creeds and forms of
prayer, like the kerchiefs we read of that fitted
every stature, that suited every state and condi-
tion ; thereby turning the people from feeling their
own states and conditions as they were in the sight
of God, (who, perhaps, was at the same time judg-
ing them secretly) to trust to prayers and supplica-
tions made ready for them some hundred years
before they were born ; when the Divine Spirit,
who willeth not the death of him that dieth, was
ready to make intercession for them, not in a set
form of words aptly joined together, but in sighs
and groans which no other could utter for them.

And as to prayers in a set form being presented
at the Throne of Grace by unregenerate man, who
is in a state of moral turpitude — I am persuaded
they are an abomination to God, and will not meet

22 THE LIFE OF

his acceptance. First make the tree good, and the
fruit will be good also ; but it is Christ alone, the
good Husbandman, that can make the tree good,
and then He will eat of the fruit. I was in the prac-
tice, night and morning, of saying prayers in the
form, in as humble a manner as I knew how. This
was borne with in the days of my ignorance ; but
when in the light, I saw how will-worship was not
acceptable in His holy sight, and had forsaken it,
this practice remained ; and one night, as I was on
my knees, I felt such a terror take hold of me, that
I quickly rose,* and never dare afterwards proceed
in the same formal manner of praying. When the
true church came out of the wilderness, which she
has done in these latter days, she came out leaning
on the breast of her Beloved — laying aside all useless
forms and ceremonies that do not profit the comers
thereunto, and solely depending upon the immediate
teachings of the Grace of God and the revelations
of His Holy Spirit ; thereby antichrist was dispos-
sessed of his rule and government in the church, and
Christ took to Himself his own power and authority
to rule and govern, who appoints His own servants,
qualifying them for the several uses and purposes
which He in His holy wisdom has allotted, sending
them forth, and telling them, " Freely ye have re-
ceived, freely give; " these seek no man's silver or
gold, or apparel, but serve their own necessities,

J0HNC0NRAN. 23

and those of others, by the labour of their hands.
Although I had suffered deeply, as I thought, in the
hour of judgment and of burning, yet those things
"which I had suffered were only as a beginning of
sorrows ; the ground of the heart was not to be
lightly turned up, the gospel plough was to be in-
troduced, and the fallow ground broken up, and I
was to sow no more among thorns : the terrors of
God's judgments were often set before my mind,
and made such deep impressions as I believe will
never be erased. It is a truth past all contradiction
with me, that the Divine Spirit will not dwell in a
temple which He has not previously cleansed in a
great degree. I speak now to you, my beloved
brethren and sisters, who have in your own experi-
ence known your measure of the depths of Satan,
and have been brought out of Egypt with a high
hand and an outstretched arm, and have known
Christ's baptism to be with fire and the Holy
Ghost, and that it is the baptism which only and
alone affords the answer of a good conscience
towards God, and cleanses both flesh and spirit.

To relate much more of the inscrutable judgments
of God, which are past finding out but in the expe-
rience of them, may not be needful for me to do a,t
present. I may say that " day after day uttered
speech, and night after night declared knowledge"
— quietness succeeded these fearful voices uttered

24 THE LIFE OF

from the mount, not through or by man, in it he
had no share or portion; remission of the past
seemed to [be spoken] in this quiet frame, and a
voice to say, " go and do so no more." I was now
brought into the school of Christ, in order to be
instructed by Him in the law that was to be the
government, through Him, of my future life ; the
old wine was poured out, the old heavens were
rolled up as a scroll, I willingly surrendered them
to the fire. I conferred no longer with flesh and
blood, but gave up to the heavenly vision, and bowed
down my ear to instruction, for He spoke now as
never man spake ; instead of whetting His glitter-
ing sword, and laying hold of judgment, He became
my shepherd, and drew me to follow Him in the
new way by the Shepherd's crook of His love, some-
times leading me into green pastures, refreshing my
poor disconsolate mind. Then it was I thought I
would joyfully run the way of His commandments
and never be weary : here I would gladly have ta-
bernacled, but I was to go down from the mount,
and pass through the winter season, and mourn
the absence of Him whom my soul was now taught
to love, for the savour of His ointment was delight-
ful unto me.

The same Divine principle [of light and life]
which led me out of the forms and ceremonies to
worship the Father in spirit and in truth, also led

JOHNCONRAN. 25

me by its secret teachings into a straight and narrow
way, as to all superfluities in dress and address ;
and knowing in whom I had believed, the same hath
preserved me in it to this day, and I trust will do
so to the end, as there is no variableness with Him.
Simplicity of dress and address is becoming an
humble follower of a crucified Saviour, whose gar-
ment or vesture was so unlike the fashions of that
day, that they cast lots for it as a curiosity, for it
was without seam. There is a cross to many among
us in these things, as the practice of them declares
to the beholders whose disciples we profess to be ;
and although all power in heaven and earth is given
unto Him, yet, because the world in their foolish
vain hearts despise the wisdom of God in these
things, intended to crucify us to the spirit of the
world, and the pomps and vanities of it, they are
ashamed of the cross, and would rather enjoy the
pleasures of a sinful world, which are only for a
season, than to suffer affliction with the people of
God in the scoffings of the world. Although I
knew that [the Quakers] held these testimonies,
and that they were outward marks of union with
them, nevertheless I was desirous to know the
ground of them in myself, and not to take up any
thing in which such great salvation was concerned,
but from a clear conviction that it was from the

26 THE LIFE OF

living foundation God hath laid in my heart, and
not man.

The practice and use of the plain langnage is
consonant with the rules of grammar and the lan-
guage of holy men of old, as the Scriptures bear
testimony ; yet I was desirous to prove all things,
to bring them to the standard of truth in my heart,
and if they stood the measure of that, to cleave to
them. I began to use this language sometimes, and
at other times not, when in my infancy : my near
kinsfolk, I heard, said I was beside myself, therefore
it was a cross to use it in their presence ; but deny-
ing the cross brought sorrow and weakness along
with it, and a fear, that if I went down the steps of
Jacob's ladder I should find it more difficult to re-
cover the ground I had lost than even to ascend to
another step. The prospect of the glorious crown
of righteousness that was set before me as attainable
through faithfulness, encouraged me to press for-
ward ; as I endeavoured to do so I grew stronger,
the yoke became easier, the burden light ; and when
through inadvertence an omission occurred, (for
afterwards I never dared wilfully to transgress,) I
always felt wounded in my spirit.

The change in my dress was a great cross, as I
wras always given to fashionable dresses, and at this
time had sundry suits of apparel of this sort. I felt
a solemn covering to come over my spirit early

JOHN CONKAN. 27

one morning, whilst in bed, which drew me into
deep silence and attention, when I felt it required
of me to conform to the simple appearance of
Christ's followers ; His garment was all of a piece,
so ought mine to be, of a piece with my speech, my
life and conversation. This felt to me a severe
stroke ; no shelter was now left for me, but I must
appear as a fool to the world, my speech and then
my garments would betray me that I had been with
Christ, and professed myself to be one of His dis-
ciples. I wept bitterly, and pleaded the cross it
would be to me before my friends and acquaintance,
with the loss it would be to me in my present clothes;
but all was silence to my complaints, and the leaven
worked in the lump till the whole man was leavened
into submission, and then I ran the way of His
commandments with joy and alacrity of heart, so
much so that I have heard in passing some people
say they would give their oath I was a Quaker.
Oh ! saith my spirit, that all the family were so
conspicuous, even in the outside, that they might
be known thereby whose they are !

Another testimony we hold is, that we cannot
with a good conscience, contribute in any wise to
support the ministry of any church whatever, who
derive their maintenance from their service at the
altar : because we believe Christ is in this day the
head of the true church militant, that His promise

28 THE LIFE OP

made to it before He ascended to his Father, " Lo,
I am with you always, even to the end of the
world," has been fulfilled, and, is in this very day
fulfilling, His Divine presence being felt where
two, three, or more of His living children are met
and assembled in His name. This being a truth
that we fully believe, we are feelingly made sensi-
ble that He, the head of this body, qualifies and
sends forth servants and handmaids, as of old, to
minister, preparing them for His work and service,
by various dispensations, baptisms and spiritual
washings, and hands to them the bread which He
has broken and blessed, and they have to hand it
to the multitude, without any addition of their
own. And these knowing in whom they have be-
lieved, will neither pay nor receive wages of any
man, as the price of their labour ; they are per-
suaded that He whom they serve is faithful and
true, and having received their ministry without
fee or reward, they freely give it, looking to Him
who sent them for their recompense, which is the
sheaf of peace in their bosom. I was willing to
bear my testimony on account of tithes, the cross
was freely submitted to : I had formerly made
agreement for my tithes at forty shillings per
annum, during the incumbency, the bargain was
not done away, and my hay being in cock, and a
large quantity within the power of a large river,

JOHN CONRAN. 29

made me very uneasy, so that I wished the proc-
tor would take his demand ; there it lay, I believe,
two or three weeks, and I did not feel at liberty
to draw it till the bargain with the proctor was
vacated. He readily gave me my liberty, telling
me he expected nothing else from me, and he took
that season, I think, twelve or thirteen meadow
cocks for his forty shillings, which might be worth
upwards of ten pounds.

Upon reading this account, some unbelieving
person may query, how did I know but the subtle
adversary had put on the appearance of an angel
of light, and had deceived me ? I answer such an
one in the words of our blessed Lord, which are
the words of truth; He says, "My sheep know
my voice, and follow me, and the voice of a stran-
ger they will not follow ;" moreover we are desired
to follow after the things which make for peace,
and things whereby we may edify one another :
now I never found anything but peace as the con-
sequence of unswerving obedience in these parti-
culars.

I have now given a brief recital of the cause I
had to unite in religious fellowship with those with
whom I have since continued to walk, subject to
many scoffings and mockings from some of my
kindred, as well as from many others, and was
mercifully enabled not to turn my cheek from the

30 THE LHE OF

smiter, but to bear them for His sake, who suffered
more and worse, from sinful and perverse men.
I rejoice and give thanks to my merciful Redeem-
er, that He has in mercy called me from the re-
ceipt of custom, and has given me a portion in
His service, and fellowship with His people ; and
I write these things hoping they may be blessed
to some wayfaring traveller in the same road, that
they may become as way-marks to them, and show
thereby that it is not an unbeaten path, but others
have travelled it before them, and found safety.

JOHN CONRAK. 31

CHAPTER II.

1773. HIS PREPARATION FOR THE MINISTRY —
TRAVELS AS GUIDE TO ESTHER TUKE — ALSO
WITH MARY ROBINSON AND BARBARA DREWRY
— HIS FIRST APPEARANCES IN THE MINISTRY —
ACCOMPANIES CHRISTIANA HUSTLER AND PHEBE
MARSHALL.

In some of those seasons of deep baptism before
related, it used to spread upon my mind that the
Lord had a service for me, to make use of me in
His church and family, which brought a great fear
over my mind lest Satan, (whose power in deceiv-
ing I was now measurably acquainted with) should
put on the appearance of an angel of light [and
deceive me], and so I should become a vessel
marred upon the wheel. The preparation of the
heart in man, and the answer of the tongue in
this arduous concern, must be of the Lord alone;
man must give up his wisdom, and his acquired
knowledge must be submitted to Divine direction,
and only such parts retained as Divine wisdom may
see meet to make use of, although it may make us
appear as, fools to those who before thought other-

32 THE LIPE OF

wise of us. Yet this state is afforded us in mercy,
to humble us, that we may depend upon nothing
of our own, or of former knowledge of doctrines,
unless we feel them renewed in the life and Spirit ;
that thereby all our fresh springs in and to service,
may be in Him our Head and holy high-priest. What
humiliations are requisite to bring us to that stand-
ard which God is pleased to teach of His ways !
And how unwilling are too many to come up to
this standard to be measured by it ! But when His
righteous judgments are in the earth, it is then,
and then only, we are willing to learn righteousness.
In this important engagement it may be said, He
leadeth Israel as a flock, and bringeth them often-
times into green pastures, and cause th them therein
to lie down as at noon. This indeed is a great
mystery which the worldly-minded professor know-
eth not, neither can, because it is only spiritually
discerned, and by them for whom it is prepared.
This was the case with the disciples formerly, when
it was said, " Unto you it is given to know the
mysteries of God's kingdom, but to the world in
parables.' ' The true ministers go forth without
script or purse, without depending on anything but
the call to present service ; they do not think
former experiences, nor yet the concurrence of their
brethren and sisters, (the laying on of the hands
of the alders,) a sufficient qualification to officiate

JOHN CONRAN. 33

in the church ; but have to wait for the fresh anoint-
ing if it may be afforded, if not they are silent,
and wait on their Lord and Master girded, till He
is served. And so godly jealous are these bap-
tized servants of the honour of their Lord, that
they neither look for nor receive wages or hire
from any other hand but His ; they are willing
to spend their own, and be spent in health and
constitution, in His service, knowing that when
He comes His reward of peace is with Him.

After being near two years in this school of reli-
gious experience, in which I thought I had made
some proficiency, and feeling a degree of justifica-
tion to succeed the dispensation of condemnation,
which also had its glory, I thought the time was
near at hand that I should be called upon to invite
others to come and try for themselves how good
the Lord is to those that love and fear Him. In
meetings I used at times to feel the Word of Life
dwelling in my heart, and a flow of language living
there, as if addressed to sundry states present, but
dared not venture to utter it in words, and I do
not recollect I felt any discouragement for not
doing it. In managing my outward business, in
the garden and fields by myself, I sometimes have
felt a living language in my heart as if I were
addressing an assembly of people, and it used to
begin so imperceptibly to me, that it would be

34 THE LIPE OF

moving some minutes before I would turn my at-
tention to it. and when I did, it increased so much
as to bubble up like a spring and break me into
tears, and left a sweet savour of peace and comfort
behind. These were I believe only the first-fruits
of the Spirit, and the ministration of preparation
for the important work of the ministry, and which
I fear some have mistaken for the work itself, and so
have been born before the time, and have not been
of that use and service to the church they were other-
wise designed for. The prophet Elijah (I believe)
was tried with somewhat of a similar dispensation
in the Mount, but was mercifully saved from going
forth, till he heard the "still small voice" distinctly
inquiring of him what he did there. With some
the fire is too hot, and they flinch from the hour
of His judgments before the vessel is fully burned ;
these cannot contain the new wine, become leaky,
and suffer it to run out and be spilt, to the injury
of the family, and their own great hurt. Such
should return again to the Potter's house, be put
upon the wheel and become as the passive clay,
"willing to be formed and fashioned into such vessels
as the great Potter may see meet and fitting for
His own use. These prospects to me of service
died away, though I received much encouragement
from some Friends with whom I travelled in their
service for Truth, as well as by letters from others,

JOHN CON RAN. 35

but they never caused me to exercise a gift I had
not as yet received; I was exceedingly jealous over
myself, that I should not be a vessel marred on the
wheel, therefore covering my head with my mantle,
I waited for the still small voice, I believe full three
years after, but in the meantime was not left com-
fortless. The work of regeneration was going
forward, and living experiences often fell to my lot
in travelling, which was very frequent in this nation,
but I think I never once declared them publicly.
I kept carefully to meetings, save sickness prevent-
ing me, it was a duty impressed on my mind at
an early period, and I think I can say I never suf-
fered the cares of the world to stand in the way of
it ; and though I gave up many opportunities in
which others amassed large property, yet when at
liberty to make use of my time, I was diligent in
my business, procured a sufficiency for my family,
and was enabled to entertain strangers who came
to my house.

But when the time was approaching that I should
publicly tell to others what the Lord had done for
my soul, it was preceded by a long and dreary wil-
derness travel, no dew nor rain, so that I was made
willing in this encampment to submit to anything,
if the cloud might be removed from the tabernacle,
and the bright flame once more appear as the signal
to move on. Wonderful indeed are all the Lord's

36 THE LIFE OF

ways, and past our finding out by even former
experiences, only by standing still to see the salva-
tion of God. In this depressed frame of mind I
went to a neighbouring meeting where there were
to be two women Friends from England. In the
afternoon meeting, I felt the burden of the Word
as a fire, and after resisting it a great part of the
meeting, I stood up with these words which our
blessed Lord used when he wept over Jerusalem,
"Oh! Jerusalem, Jerusalem,thouthat killest the pro-
phets," &c, and sat down in such peace as I think
I never felt before, which continued the rest of the
evening, under a solemn covering. I accompanied
the said Friends in their journey northward, and
did not speak again in public for some weeks, till
we came to Ballymurry, where my mouth was again
opened in a short testimony, and in so great weak-
ness that I often thought there was scarcely ever
a child born in so weak a condition ; I was so long
in finding my feet to be able to go alone, that for
years after when I had a concern to go abroad, I
attached myself to some traveller, for I thought
myself pretty secure under their wing. In this
weak state I was mercifully dealt with, for what
was given me to say would be repeated in my heart
very many times before I could stand up to deliver
it, and the Friends with whom I travelled were
made easy with my company, so as to admit me

J0HNC0NRAN. 37

willingly. I can say I had a merciful and good
Master to serve, who condescended oftentimes to
the low estate of His servant, and bore with my
many infirmities.

I was received a member of Lisburn Monthly
Meeting in the year 1773, from that to the year
1775, my mind was under deep exercise, and various
probations, learning the law written on my heart.

[In the year 1774, he accompanied Esther Tuke,
of York, then on religious service in Ireland, to
some meetings, to good satisfaction, who soon after
her return home, thus writes to him.]

From Esther Tuke to John Conran.
Esteemed Friend,

It will, perhaps, not be unacceptable to be in-
formed of my safe return to my own habitation,
little more than a week ago, rest seems pleasant
after the constant fatigue of travelling, and close
exercise to both body and mind ; but though tra-
velling is attended with many difficulties to me, yet
in remembrance of the help that was afforded, and
the many preservations I witnessed in this long
journey, I can say hard things were made easy, and
bitter cups sweetened, and many favours bestowed
beyond my deserts by a bountiful Giver, who is
worthy to be obeyed in the smallest and greatest
of His requirings.

38 THE LIFE OF

I have often remembered thee since we parted,
with strong desires that stability and faithfulness
may be the girdle of thy loins, pure wisdom thy
guide in the path I trust thy feet have been turned
into, which leads through the wilderness and Jordan
to a settlement in the land of promise, which I doubt
not thou hast at times had a sight of. Various,
according to our different dispositions, are the dis-
pensations, Infinite Wisdom sees necessary for us
to pass through in this journey from Egypt to Ca-
naan, but all for this great end, to reduce self, and
thoroughly purify from all uncleanness, both of flesh
and spirit, subdue the evil, make all things new and
all things of Him : great is the work, and many
have known it right begun, have entered into the
way, and run well for a time, but one thing or an-
other has hindered. Some have been like the young
man who came to inquire what further good thing
he should do, and turned away sorrowful at the
information, "Sell air' — here is indeed the trial,
all that treasure we have got, be it our own wisdom,
righteousness, or whatever else, it must be parted
with, and the innocent, sweet, simple, child-like state
experienced which desires the sincere milk of the
word, that their growth may be thereby. May thy
growth be this way, from a child's state, to man's,
&c, then will the great end of the Lord in so signally
calling thee be answered, to His glory and thine

J0HNC0NRAN. 39

own everlasting peace ; for then willthoube formed
for Himself, and will show forth His praise. But
beware of notions, dear friend, and feeding on the
tree of knowledge, it remains to be forbidden fruit
which a cunning subtle adversary presents ; the
Lord's servants are the poor in spirit, the meek,
whose joy is increased in Him, who have no might
of their own, have nothing, and can do nothing, but
as fresh strength from Him is administered.
Thy sincere friend,

Esther Tuke.

Two women friends, Mary Robinson and Barbara
Drewry, came here in the course of their religious
service, and feeling my mind drawn to accompany
them to several meetings in this province [Ulster,]
I did so ; and went with them to Dublin, and from
thence through the two provinces of Leinster and
Munster, of which journey the following are some
extracts : —

1775 — Sixth Month 12th. — I went to meeting
at Hillsborough, with my dear friends, B. D. and
M. R., and unexpectedly during the ministry of
B. D., apprehended myself called upon to proceed
with them, which I did to Stramore, Moyallen,
Lurgan, &c. [After speaking of a fear possessing his
mind lest by engaging in this journey he should be
running in his own strength, and incurring the cen-

40 THE LIFE OF

sure of some of his friends, he relates that on the
road these cloudy feelings seemed to be dispelled,
and peace restored to his mind, and says] I hope I
am thankful that I was preserved, willing to give up
to the Master's requirings, though I left my busi-
ness and family unprepared for such a journey, but
I was preserved pretty much in resignation.

20t7i. — Whilst in Newry I met with some people
of business, with whom I had some conversation,
which I thought left me weaker ; upon leaving the
town I felt a [temptation] in myself almost to deny
my profession, and was quite ashamed of the com-
pany , plainness, and simplicity of myself and friends,
which I told them of ; and a lesson may be read in
this to myself and others, how they or I hold too
close a conversation with the world, or the things
thereof, which weaken the hands of the sons of
Zion. We went forward in our journey, and were
at times favoured with a sweet and open conversa-
tion, and permitted that freedom in it as to relate
many things that I believe were advantageous to
each other. I thought I found my dear friend,
B. Drewry, often had a polishing effect upon me,
and her remarks on and corrections of my weak-
ness and faults, were wonderfully refreshing and
comforting, which made me not repine at my
journey, which was a truly satisfactory one to me.

In our way from Ross to Clonmell, we were accom-

JOHN CONRAN. 41

panied by divers Friends, some of whom seemed, I
thought like the bullock unused to the yoke ; their
behaviour, though innocent, indicated such confu-
sion and want of regularity, that it gave me much
pain and disquiet, and though I used some care to
keep still at times, yet the contagion was catching.
On this and other occasions I have found myself
very much weakened by being in mixed companies,
especially those who have felt or known little of dis-
cipline in themselves ; for I am ready to conceive, as
it regards myself, that the conversation of such
fastens upon me, and by giving way to it, by degrees,
and that almost insensibly, I become in measure
leavened into a like spirit, which is a cause of pain
and disquiet to my mind — to feel disorder instead
of stillness, which I esteem one of the safest habi-
tations to dwell in. I hope this observation may be
of use to me, and the effect produced a merciful
warning to abstain from mixed companies, and from
those whose minds have never been regulated, and
brought into some degree of order, as my strength
in measure consists (when in company) in remem-
bering in whose presence I am, and carefully to
watch my lips, that my conversation may be known
to be permitted to me, and to attend to the pointings
in my mind for that permission. When this is care-
fully attended to, I am often in silence which I think
gives strength, and when conversation is brought on

42 THE LIFE OF

in this line, it is edifying, and leaves a savour on the
mind that is refreshing. On the contrary, I have
experienced that a free conversation promoted by
answering every question asked in such mixed com-
panies, leads the mind insensibly beyond the proper
watch, into such a variety of subjects, the canvass-
ing of which the regulated mind has not any business
with; after such a conversation, I have felt myself
reduced to weakness, confusion, and disorder, and
at times have been almost ready to faint in spirit.

Eighth Month 3d. — Meeting at Ballinakill.
The same sort of dryness and barrenness, was ex-
perienced here as in other places, which makes me
ready almost to conclude the fault to be in myself,
and that I am denied that sense of feeling, which
I formerly had, for some reason which Wisdom can
unravel, not being conscious of any falling away
on my side ; but the great Master knows best,
therefore may His will be done. This meeting
was held in silence, and pretty many strangers
were at it and behaved themselves well.

6th. — Monthly Meeting at Mountrath. How
shall I be able to express the feelings of the visita-
tion I had last night ! I believe none can conceive
it, but those who have experienced the like. To be
admitted to a freedom, if I dare say so, of commun-
ing with the Great Master, the Beloved of my
soul, of asking favours and questions ; and the glow

JOHN CONRAN. 43

of love and favour that surrounded me for about an
hour, I think I cannot express suitably. Surely I
never can do enough for so good and kind a Master,
and hope I shall never be tired of running His
errands, and that He will be pleased to give me
strength to give up all for His great name's sake.
[He describes the meeting as having been one of
close and deep exercise, but that through favour the
cloud which seemed to envelope it, was gradually
dispelled, light broke forth, and the testimony of
Truth, rose above the dark spirits of some of the
people, and after relating a part of B. D.'s weighty
communication therein, goes on to say] — the
Friend observed in her testimony, that a heavy or
dark cloud hung over this nation, and that a sifting
day would be afforded to the people, when the foun-
dations of many would be tried, and that none would
stand but those which were laid on the Rock im-
movable, the everlasting Rock, which was Christ.
That whether they would be tried by the sword, by
the famine, or the pestilence, she knew not, but that
many would in the day of trial, find their covers too
little for them, and that the chaff would be sepa-
rated from the wheat. These prophetic warnings
I have heard more than once, and have felt them
sealed in my mind, and if I may compare the state
of the Lord's visited ones, to the present state of
the church and society in this nation, we often find

44 THE LIFE OF

trying dispensations are afforded to the visited to
cause them to draw nearer to Him, whom they
have always experienced to be a ready help in the
day of trouble. And if the church and people are
tried with outward persecution, it may be a means
of making them draw near to Him who is willing
to draw near to them, since they will neither hear
the reproofs of instruction inwardly nor instrumen-
tally. I think Truth was triumphant over darkness
[in the meeting], which was a comfortable experi-
ence to my hungry and thirsty soul, which had in
many meetings been baptized in the cloud, into
death and darkness.

Eight Month 8th. — Arrived this morning in
Dublin, where I left my dear companions, and
returned home. In this journey, I had not any-
thing to say in any meeting, for worship or disci-
pline, yet I believe it was a profitable time to me,
of improvement, having my spiritual faculties exer-
cised, and a further degree of strength and expe-
rience afforded to bear the assults and bufferings
of my unwearied enemy. Some thought I had
better learn this at home ; but we are differing in
our spiritual constitutions, as in our natural, and the
treatment for one does not answer for all. I was
drawn forth to this journey I apprehended by the
great Physician, on the approach of the great linen-
market in Dublin, the profits of which I resigned,

JOHN COKRAN. 45

and left my goods at home to the disappointment
of my customers who wanted them ; and if I lost
that advantage, I had the rich reward of peace in
my bosom.

At the half-year's meeting, the summer of this
year, I fell into company with a young woman,
Louisa Strangman ; the first time I saw her at a
Friend's house, I felt, in silence, a strong draft
of love more than natural, and a secret intimation
impressed my mind that she would be my wife ; this
I hid in my heart, and it was nearly two years
before I felt at liberty to disclose it to any one,
waiting as I apprehended the Lord's time to com-
municate it : in this interval there was a Friend
closely addressing her, but my first impressions kept
me easy under it. And when I felt the way open
to proceed in it at that time, it was nearly six years
after this before we were married ; this was a sea-
son in the Lord's hand of deep exercise and great
trial of my faith and patience, as the prospect I
had at first was often totally obliterated, and when
these would be almost gone, it would again revive
with a degree of clearness, to my great consolation.
I held out to the end, and was crowned with a
wife who proved the richest earthly blessing I was
ever favoured with, a true yoke-fellow, in spiritual
as well as temporal concerns, and who never threw
any impediment in the way of my going on public

46 THE LIFE OF

services. I write these few hints, that in this im-
portant and weighty engagement, we should have
our eve turned to the Light, [of Christ's Spirit]
if we expect that favour from the Lord, a good
wife, who is indeed a crown to her husband !

In the many discouragements inwardly from
Satan, to discourage me from embracing the new and
living way, which had now been opened in measure
to my view, was the prospect of great sufferings,
perhaps death itself, and in these days of darkness,
and the shadow of death, human nature recoiled,
and I was at times brought very low, [ready to say]
" How shall I stand if these things befall me ? I
fear I shall surely give way, and lose all !" But
Divine mercy was extended to me, by showing me
that what appears impossible to man, is possible
with God. As I sat in the back part of Lisburn
meeting, which was held in silence, I felt the love
of God extended to me in so powerful a manner, as
to dedicate my soul and body to His service, and
under the living impressions of it to say, " Do with
me, 0 Lord, what thou wilt. I am willing to suffer
death for thy name sake ;" for death had then no
terrors in it for me, the fear of death was swallowed
up in victory. It was then I could account for the
noble stand the martyrs made, who, in opposition to
the torments which cruel and unreasonable men had
subjected them tc,heldfasttheirintegrity;andlfelt

JOHN CONRAN. 47

from my experience of the foregoing, that the Lord
by His enlivening and consolating presence was
with them, as He was with the three children in the
burning fiery furnace, and crowned them with a
crown of everlasting righteousness, eternal in the
heavens ; and not only them, but all those who love,
honour, and obey the Lord, their righteousness.

I staid about home I think in the year 1776,
but was diligent in attending meetings at home, and
the national half year's meeting. In 1778 and
1779, 1 was not much from home on Truth's ac-
count; I attended some meetings with Samuel
Spavold, Isaac Gray, and Thomas Carrington, to
my satisfaction. There was a national visit ap-
pointed by the Yearly Meeting in London, to the
Monthly Meetings in Ireland, which was pretty
fully performed by John Storer, John Townsend,
Thomas Corbyn, Joseph Eowe, and James Back-
house, to pretty good satisfaction.

Thomas Queer to John Conran.
Stockton, Fourth Month 17th, 1780.
Dear John,
As I have passed along from place to place in this
country, I have more than once remembered thy re-
quest that I would write to thee, and having a little
leisure this evening, I sit down for that purpose. I
got safe to Scotland on Third-day evening ; next

48 THE LIFE OF

morning I set forward for England, took a meeting
at Sackside, on the First-day following, and in the
course of that week got through the meetings in
Northumberland, and attended their Quarterly
Meeting. In those parts I found a living remnant in
our Society, as well as great openness amongst many
of those not in membership with us, many of whom
flocked to meetings, whose appearance at first rather
filled me with fear, but like a much greater instru-
ment formerly, I was soon given to see my mistake,
and that the Lord had a seed amongst them, to
whom the Gospel must be preached in its own
unmixed purity. My heart was indeed humbled
from meeting to meeting, under renewed sensa-
tions of the wonderful workings of the God of all
grace, who is able through weak, very weak, in-
struments, to carry on His great and glorious
work ; may a due sense of His manifold mercies
to my soul, ever be the covering of my spirit !

On the 8th inst., I got to Newcastle, where is a
pretty large body of Friends, and where our worthy
friend Mabel Wigham, and three other public
Friends live ; but notwithstanding there are divers
valuable Friends in that place, I did not fare as well
there as among the poor mountains in Northumber-
land ; yet was favoured with an open door amongst
them, both in the fore and afternoon meetings ; but
experience has taught me, that even in those places,

JOHN CONRAN. 49

where the people are favoured with a living min-
istry, by their calling for, and relying upon help
from the servants, they fall away from the life of
religion in themselves, by forsaking the free Foun-
tain of living waters, and hewing to themselves
cisterns very liable to be broken, and at best can
contain no living water, but what they immedi-
ately receive and scatter at the word of command ;
the utmost intention of which is, to direct the en-
quiring mind to the Fountain of light, life and
wisdom in themselves, that great mystery hid from
ages, but now mercifully revealed, Christ in His
people the hope of their glory.

From Newcastle I proceeded to North Shields,
their Monthly meeting being there next day, thence
by Sunderland, Shotton, Durham, Auckland, and
Staindrop meetings, I got to Darlington, and staid
over their two meetings yesterday; as I mentioned
before I have abundant cause to be thankful that
Best Help has not forsaken, but from meeting to
meeting, and also at many other seasons, has been
felt near, to the comfort and strengthening of my
mind to pursue the line of duty which opened in
prospect before I left home. Having now got
through this country, I purpose going into Yorkshire
to-morrow, and taking about eighteen meetings in
that county, which lie nearest the sea-coast, and
then set my face towards London, if enabled to
4

50 THE LIFE OF

do so. I may inform thee, I have been poorly in
health ever since I got into England, occasioned by
the exceeding cold weather, and high east wind with
snow ; but through mercy, I have hitherto been
enabled to get along, without any loss of time, or
pain in riding, save when the cough comes on, and
I trust I shall be enabled to get through the rest of
the journey in the same manner ; having renewed
cause to believe I am under the care of Him who
numbers the hairs of the head, and without whose
notice a sparrow cannot fall to the ground. And
notwithstanding He in His wisdom tries the faith
of His depending children, in order to enlarge their
experience, and thereby further qualifies them for
the labour and service of the day, yet will not for-
sake those whose dependence is singly fixed on Him,
and have no confidence in anything but the all-suffi-
cient help of that Arm which brings salvation.

With dear love to thyself, and any inquiring
friends to whom thou thinks it will be acceptable,
I remain thy loving friend,

Thomas Greer.

In the year 1780, I joined Christiana Hustler
and Phebe Marshall in the course of their religious
service, and continued with them throughout from
Lurgantill they took shipping the following Second
Month at Dublin; I passed through many exercising

JOHN CONRAN. 51

baptisms, occasioned by weakness and fears in the
exercise of a small gift I had received in the min-
istry, in which their company was serviceable to me.
I left home Sixth Month 2d, to join the Friends
at Stramore, under a full persuasion that it was my
duty to do so : let none think I had not necessary
avocations to call me to another line, for our great
[linen] fair in Dublin was within a few days of
commencing, and though I was assisted by having
orders for some of my goods, yet I had a consider-
able share left on hand to sell, and that the most
unsaleable part I suppose ; the appearance of these
things was troublesome to me, but I was mercifully
helped through this difficulty. I wish Friends may
deal gently with those who may feel these puttings
forth, especially where their conduct in most respects
is orderly ; for the exercise the enemy is permitted
to raise against these things is very trying, and if
they have also to feel unskilful dealing, it may crush
the broken reed, and lay it aside for a long season
under great discouragements, as unfit for service.
I trust I have a degree of thankfulness, and desire a
greater share of it, to my merciful, kind and good
Benefactor, who I believe not only required this
offering at my hands, which costs me something,
but also put it into the hearts of His people to
make way for me ; for my dear and beloved brethren
of our province seemed willing to trust me out that

52 THELIFEOF

I might not be lagging behind, and a tendering time
it was to my spirit in [mentally] bidding them fare-
well on my quitting Castle Shane ; though they were
not present, yet I had a tendering and affecting
feeling of them, in that one Spirit which I believe
unites all those at times who drink of it. Oh ! my
beloved friends, I most tenderly saluted you, and
longed for the prosperity of our Zion, and you in
particular : I was concerned for you that none of
you might receive hurt or damage, and in the
springings of that ancient fountain, that cannot be
drawn dry, I thought I could have saluted you in an
endearing epistle of gospel love : thus did my spirit
drink of the cup of brotherly love whilst I travelled
along, which was a comfort and consolation to me,
and I could say many things to entice others to
come and try for themselves, how good and kind
the Lord is to those who love and fear Him.

The family visit not being quite finished in the
bounds of Moyallen meeting when I arrived, I had
to join the Friends concerned therein in the re-
mainder, as I had also to do in the greatest part
of Lurgan meeting ; I had a few words handed to
me, at times, in some of the sittings, as I appre-
hended, to drop amongst us, which I did in fear,
and kept as near to the opening as I thought I
could, and was at times favoured with the wages
of obedience.

JOHNCONRAN. 53

SOth. — At Bally murry : after I had sat a short
time in the meeting, I felt a burden on my mind,
which increased to be so weighty as to be difficult
to sit under ; I remained in degree still, when I
felt some matter to appear before me, which grew
more clear and distinct, and seemed to press for ut-
terance. I reasoned with it till it passed away, when
growing afraid, remembering the long forbearance
of a merciful Creator, I entreated if it were a re-
quiring that came from Him, that He would be
pleased to renew the same matter afresh on my
mind, and that I would take that as a confirmation.
It was pretty immediately renewed as fresh as I
could desire, but the fear got up, and I had almost
reasoned it away again ; when I stood up, and before
I spoke, I felt like a little fire to kindle in my breast,
and uttered these words, " The Lord has lifted up
an ensign to the people, and a standard for the
nations, the standard of truth and righteousness —
keep faithful to your testimonies, Friends, and mea-
sure yourselves by this standard, and let each indi-
vidual of you come up to his measure :" my mind
has been favoured with rest and comfort since.

Second Month 2nd. — Meeting at Moate. I went
to this meeting which was large, in a good degree of
fear, having been known there formerly, making a
different appearance to my present. After my dear
friend Phebe Marshall had sat down the second

54 THE LIFE OP

time, I stood up, and in great fear declared, "Oh!
that the people were wise, that they would consider
this, and remember their latter end. Friends, take
not up your rest in your earthly possessions, for it
is a false rest — a polluted rest; but turn unto
the Lord, for in the trying day He will be as a
staff of support to those who lean upon Him."
After I sat down, my beloved friend Christiana
Hustler stood up, and declared that these words
which had been repeated in their hearing, had been
the companion of her mind for a considerable time.
" Oh ! that the people were," &c, and recommended
the advice given. Then dear P. M. stood up and
declared something of a like nature, which gave
me much consolation to find the unity of my beloved
friends. The covering of my spirit was comfortable,
heightened by the fear I was in of taking away
with me what I had dropped, which had tended
to my own peace, and was fresh cause of renewed
gratitude.

3rd. — Meeting at Birr, which to me was a very
hard painful one. My dear friends had frequently
pressed me to sit beside them in these small meet-
ings, which I was not easy to give up to, and almost
always avoided it, being afraid of offending some
one by so doing, which made it a cross to me. In
this meeting I was brought under an exercise on
this account that was distressing to me and under

JOHN CONRAN. 55

the weight of it I made covenant, that, if I were
forgiven, I would use my best endeavours to come
up in that requiring, though I felt it a very bitter
cross, and thought it hard it should be required of
me. I here found I was too neglectful of the advice
of my friends, in these or like small occasions, and
that I was preferring my own judgment, or stiff-
ness, or fear of man, to their feelings.

6th. — Meeting at Mountrath. [After alluding to
a trying conversation that he had with a Friend
before going to meeting, relative to his travelling,
and which brought him into a very painful situation,
he says] This journey so far has been of consider-
able service to me, as I apprehend I have acquired
a greater knowledge of men than I possessed before,
which has already had a good effect on me, so as
measurably to remove that fear of man which I
believe too much possessed my mind, so as to hinder
my journeying forward, to my own hurt. The
meeting I can hardly describe, from my own feel-
ings having been so broken down before it, but
I believe I can say there was a Hand of favour
stretched out towards me in it, having to sit the
greatest part of it in a still quiet habitation, feeling
my wounds to be bound up, and wine and oil to be
in a small measure poured in, so as to confess Him
to be the tenderest of parents and best of masters.
Yet I believe my dear friends and fellow labourers

56 THE LIFE OF

had to sit where the people sat, which I dare ven-
ture to say was not in heavenly places in Christ
Jesus ! Oh ! the threshing instruments ! they were
used to thresh the dry and barren mountains of a
long and empty profession ; yet I believe they did
not come down, but rather that they thought they
were too hardly treated, their maladies were not as
bad as they were represented, therefore it was to be
feared the cure would not be so readily perfected.
(The meeting held near five hours) and the Friends
had I believe to pass through near three hours of
painful silence, the spring lay so low, and nothing
to draw with ; the rubbish so great, and few faithful
labourers to lay their shoulders to the burden ! Oh !
ye faithless generation, what will ye do in the end ?
will your being the children of faithful Abraham
work out your salvation ? It is sorrowful, pain-
fully sorrowful, to behold these things, and I wish I
may be mistaken in judging a spirit that I believe
would be ready to cast stones at the servants if
they could.

Seventh Month 9th. — Meeting at Limerick. I
was much afraid for some time before I reached this
city, as thinking it to be a large meeting and fearful
of having any thing laid on me in it. After some
time of waiting, I thought a little matter arose,
which from the weak state I felt my self in, I believed
I could not give up to, therefore carried it away

JOHN CONRAN. 57

with me, which brought me under a considerable
weight and burthen. My dear companions had not
much service in the forenoon meeting. The same
requiring attended my mind in the evening meeting,
and became so extremely weighty, that after a pain-
ful state of waiting, I gave up to it in a broken
stammering manner, which was more clearly and
better explained by one of the friends taking it up,
to my great consolation.

12th, — Meeting at Clonmel. I am afraid a spirit
of earthly-mindedness too much prevails in too
many here, which fetters the mind, and prevents
it seeking after better enjoyments : a state of re-
sistance of the clay in the hands of the' great
Potter was treated with, and the danger of stand-
ing out compared to rebellion, which is as the sin
of witchcraft.

16£A. — Waterford meeting. After we had settled

down into silence at ?s in the evening, a little

matter came before me in a very lively manner,
which I reasoned with till it left me, and I never
could see it any more in the light though I earnestly
entreated for it, and in room thereof I was filled
with doubtings and fears, and suffered a good deal
of distress of mind. But after A. B. had opened his
mouth my convictions reached me, that I had been
unfaithful in not giving forth that which had been
handed to me, the holding back of which, I believe,

58 THE LIFE OF

stopped the spring in others, and was the cause of
my punishment, which brought me into a. sincere
repentance, and I hope will be a warning to me to be
more careful for the future. There is great danger
in being too hasty in offering, [as well as] too slack-
handed, which leads me into fear of erring on either
hand ; but I hope for preservation as I remain in
the child-like simplicity, either to move or stand
still, as I find faith to believe it is required of me.
Ninth Month 27th. — Meeting at Athy, pretty
select with the Friends of that meeting. When we
were here before, near the close of the meeting, I
found it pretty strong on my mind for some time to
request Friends to stop, as there were some of other
societies present, but was backward and did not, and
I thought this was the cause of our return here. I
could have wished at some places Friends would
not invite their neighbours, unless particularly de-
sired ; I was pained at times on that account to see
them so indifferent, giving away to others that bread
they had occasion for themselves, as the course of
the testimony, I thought, frequently turned from
the household to those who were without.

From Esther Tuke to John Conran.
" York, Twelfth Month 21st, 1780.
Dear Friend,
Thy great and unexpected kindness in giving

JOHN CONRAK. 59

me so satisfactory an account of thyself and my
beloved friends Christiana Hustler and Phebe Mar-
shall, demands my grateful acknowledgment. I re-
ceived it a few days ago, when I was about acknow-
ledging some of my transgressions, or omissions, to
my honoured friend, Richard Shackleton, and also
inquiring concerning our dear friends, who have
been long the almost constant companions of my
mind. Though writing is now more than ever an
irksome task, and what I do very little in, except to
my own family connexions, and where duty abso-
lutely requires it ; yet, feeling my heart afresh
warmed in the renewal of that love, which, though
ancient, is ever new, I thought I would not let slip
this opportunity of saluting thee therein, and wish-
ing thee well on thy way. I doubt not but thy
conflicts have been many, as thou well describes,
in a waste howling wilderness in which I trust the
carcase is fallen which cannot inherit the promised
land, new desires and pursuits given, and the king-
dom received as a little child ; in that state of sim-
plicity and innocence mayst thou grow up to more
advanced age, be more and more useful in thy
day, and brightened and strengthened with use,
is my sincere desire.

Though I feel as if my travelling days were
near over, yet I may say, of a truth if ever such a
thing should be required as to see your land again,

60 THE LIFE OP

I should be glad to be sheltered under thy roof,
where I well remember I sensibly felt the Son of
Peace to be. I hope divers of you will come and
make some returns for labours, which, from year to
year, our friends have to bestow — that going from
house to house is trying work indeed, but the wages
will be adequate, which I trust thou and thy com-
panions have, and will experience, and that they
will be returned to us again, when the Master hath
said "It is enough." If this reach thy hand whilst
you are labouring together, salute them affection-
ately in my name, it seems all the mite I can cast
in, feeling too much covered with the stuff to be fit
to converse with those engaged in war. I hope to
meet you and our worthy friends, Mary Ridgeway
and Jan'e Watson, at our Quarterly Meeting at
Leeds next week ; perhaps, I may get my coat
brushed, or get on a better, and be more fit to con-
verse with my friends. M. Ridgeway's service is very
great, her ministry deep and searching ; they are
renewedly united to the living remnant of the
Lords's people, who are thankful He still continues
thus to visit. Our worthy friend M. R. seems to have
brightened through her recent afflictions, as if she
had fully experienced passing through the fining-pot
for the silver, and furnace for the gold, and had come
out pure. We had almost lost hope of seeing that
great good man, Samuel Neale, and his armour-

JOHN CONRAN. 61

bearer, but it revives a little through thy hint con-
cerning them. I love thy companions so well as
to desire every help and comfort for them consis-
tent with the Master's will. My dear companion
and sister in the new relationship, C. H., and I,
have been in some degree like bone of one bone,
from our youth up, and I have often been more
gratified in her enlargement in spiritual gifts than
my own, and our love and near unity, I believe,
will never here have an end.

I have not time for enlargement, such as I have,
and the best I have, I give thee, which I could wish
better, but as thou art now at school, and day unto
day utters speech, and nights teach knowledge, and
not only taught by the Master, but constantly under
the eye and nurture of His servants, (thy acknow-
ledged mothers), though I am apt enough to teach,
I hope to know my place better than to intermeddle,
for if I had the true oil and poured it forth, it might
justly be queried, " Why was this waste made ?" I
was glad of thy hint concerning James Christy,
though I am far from thinking I merit the name of
mother to so honourable a son ; my sentiments
concur with thy pertinent remark, which felt to re-
vive strength, to give them a little hint or two of
what had long laid upon my mind. I know not
what can excuse my great enlargement, after a
pretended conclusion (contrary to the advices), but

62 THE LITE OF

that the worldly spirit [alluding to an order she
gave J. C. for Irish linens, fee] -which is often first,
if not last, with many, and had need be thought of
by me, never came into my mind till I was about to
finish ; however, if thou hast no better, and art still
so well disposed as to wish a subject to write to me
upon, I have furnished thee with one, perhaps to
my own profit as well as pleasure, as I shall be glad
to hear from thee at any time and on any occa-
sion, being with the salutation of love, in which
my husband and Henry unite,

Thy affectionate and obliged friend,

Esther Tuke.

1781. — Second Month 1st. We arrived at Dub-
lin, before and since which I have been under a con-
siderable weight of exercise of spirit, having had a
view of visiting the families of this meeting, which
at times brought me very low. and I got very much
discouraged in looking how it might be with me
when I got home, lest I might meet with discourage-
ment from one and another Friend : and I was led
through the appearances that were presented to my
view, to doubt the foundation and almost the whole
of my proceedings in the ministry, which cast a
great damp upon my spirit, so far that I thought I
would scarcely again venture to move in that ser-
vice, or if I did, that my way might be so blocked

JOHN CONRAN. 63

up as to shut me up in silence. I went to bed [one
night] much under these discouraging reflections,
but in the morning I thought a language livingly
opened in my mind of this import, " To do that, day
by day, that appeared to me to do, and not to be
looking too far forward to things that may or may
not happen ;" this dispersed these gloomy clouds,
and my spirit was engaged in the thankful acknow-
ledgment to the Lord for this His merciful relief
from the discourager. I write these few things
that I may remember the Lord's gracious dealings,
and that I may be mindful not to be considering
what men may say of me or concerning me, but
be watchful and mindful after the work and busi-
ness of the present hour and day. I thought, as
I lay under this comfortable feeling, that I felt
myself in a good degree set free from this city,
and hope I shall continue so, and the little view I
had of getting home soon seemed to open before
me with considerable satisfaction. I took a last
farewell on the 8th of Second Month of my very
dear and much respected friends and .companions,
in whose company I had had many close baptisms,
also many comfortable seasons in which we were
favoured to drink together of the same cup of
blessing ; it was a time of painful trial to my feel-
ings, through which I was mercifully supported,
and could say on my return home, that I neither

64 THE LIFE OF

regretted the time nor the expense of this journey,
"which was considerable. I was favoured to reach
home safe, and to find all things generally well,
after beins; absent about eight months in the whole.

JOHNCONRAN. 65

CHAPTER. III.

1782. ATTENDS THE YEARLY MEETING IN LONDON
— JOINS ROBERT VALENTINE AND JOHN HALL
IN VISITING LEINSTER AND MUNSTER PROVINCES
— HIS MARRIAGE — VISIT TO THE FAMILIES OE
BALLYHAGEN AND BALLINDERRY MEETINGS.

In the year 1782, as I sat in the Half-year's Meet-
ing for business at Dublin, I felt a warm impression
on my mind to attend the ensuing Yearly Meeting
in London, and taking the advice of two minister-
ing Friends of our province they encouraged me to
give up to it, which I did, and was well satisfied
with going. I thought the settling of the Book of
Extracts brought an exercise over the weighty part
of the meeting, which was borne down for some
time, by some light and frothy speakers ; but in the
end Truth was in dominion, and the meeting ended
well, and I may say, I returned with a sheaf of
peace in my bosom.

Soon after I came home I visited most of the

meetings in Leinster, with Thomas Dobson and

John Foster ; and in Tenth Month I accompanied

Robert Valentine from Pennsylvania, and John

5

66 THE LIFE OF

Hall from Cumberland, in their visits to parts of
Leinster and Munster provinces, having obtained
a certificate for that purpose. I joined them at the
Province Meeting at Mountrath, Tenth Month
12th and 13th, where that doctrine was declared,
that the parents had eaten sour grapes, and the
children's teeth were set on edge. The fore part of
the meeting next day was cloudy, but there was a
door of utterance afforded, and I hope a door of en-
trance to some of the children. In a select oppor-
tunity with the particular meeting, I had to remind
them of the state of Israel when Balaam was hired
to curse them — they were dwelling in their tents —
no divination could prevail against them ; but that
now Israel fled before their enemies, because some
had coveted a wedge of gold and the Babylonish
garment, and that they were found in the tent.

16th. — Meeting at Athy : here I experienced a
deep baptizing season in poverty and silence, in
which I received great instruction in reverence of
spirit. Godliness is indeed a very great mystery,
which is to be known only by that revealing power
in the heart. My dear friend, R. Valentine was
well concerned here.

11th. — Meeting at Ballitore : I felt that way
which the apostle called a more excellent way
opened in my mind, and had to recommend it to
Friends as that which recommends all our workato

JOHN CONRAN. 67

Divine acceptance ; I was followed by R. V. in a
lively testimony with similar remarks — it was a
time of some favour. Since I left my habitation
my way in religious meetings has been, I have
thought, much in the cloud ; nevertheless, through
unmerited regard, I have been favoured to be pretty
closely baptized into the states of the meetings, and
sometimes enabled through deep wading and poverty
to express a little of my concern, in that manner
which is as foolishness with weak unenlightened
man, yet to a faithful remnant is found to be in the
wisdom of God, and by the power of God subjecting
to Himself that in us which would desire to reign.
May I be reverently thankful for this favour also,
of seeing myself in this true light, that without
His holy horn of power I could do nothing to His
praise or my peace. I am also favoured with the
evidence of peace in these mortifying labours.

20th. — Meeting at Kilconner : a low time, yet
through Divine favour ability was given to set the
testimony of Truth over wrong things. After dinner
at a Friend's house we had a pretty open opportu-
nity, in which I was concerned to show the subtle
workings of our great enemy, in the mystery of ini-
quity, leading the children of men captives at his
will, when they are not found walking in that light
in which only he can be discovered ; in some appear-
ing as the king of the locusts ascending from the

68 THE LIFE OF

bottomless pit, and in the smoke thereof clouding
the understanding, so as to put light for darkness
and darkness for light ; raising up the reasoning
part in others so as to doubt of, and reason upon
every thing Divine and human, which workings no
eje can see or experience, but that which has been
anointed with the eye-salve of God's kingdom.

22c?. — Meeting at Ross : the forepart was low,
but through Divine favour a little light sprang up,
and I had to express, that the children who are
born from above, of the incorruptible seed of light
and life, in this day may be compared to the cot-
tage in the vineyard, and to the besieged city —
that there are still to be found one here and an-
other there, who are measurably engaged to stand
for [the Lord's] cause, and appear as lights in a
dark and ignorant world- — and that I had to be-
lieve the candle was lighted here and placed on
the candle-stick, to show light to the house and to
those among whom their lots were cast, and ex-
horted that it should not be hid under a bed of
ease, or a bushel, but to let their lights so shine
before men, that their lives and good works might
bring glory to their Father in heaven.

[From hence he wrote the following letter to his
friend Louisa Strangman, who also received soon
after a valuable communication from S. Grubb.]

john conean. 69

Prom John Conran to Louisa Strangman.
Ross, Eleventh Month 25th, 1782.

Hoping a few lines will not prove displeasing
to my dear Lucy, to hear of our safe arrival here,
that near and endeared love which I feel towards
thee, leads me thus to communicate a little with
thee. i

We came here last night in company with our
dear friend Anne Elly, &c, in whose company at
Kilknock, the evening before, we were favoured
together with a measure of the owning of Divine
regard, opening in suitable and tender counsel to
the states (I believe) of the youth present, testify-
ing to them how precious the visitation of Heaven
was to some, who, being favoured to find that pearl
of great price, sold all that they had formerly a life
in, and thereby purchased it, — recommending them
to buy the Truth also, and sell it not, and that wis-
dom, instruction, and understanding that flows from
the living Word of God in their own hearts, — giving
up to the fire that which is for the fire, and to the
sword that which is for the sword, &c. It was well,
I believe, that we were there ; the Father of His
family I hope was felt amongst us, to the help of
some present, who might be ready to faint, after
fasting for so long a season, sitting in our solemn
assemblies, oftentimes as in the valley of Achor and
shadow of death. But as we are concerned to be

70 THE LIFE OF

faithful unto this death, He will arise in His own
time for our assistance, and when He comes His
reward is surely with Him, and His appearing is at
times like the lightning from the east, unexpectedly
coming into His temple, where all things should
be ready, clean and garnished, and we found wait-
ing, as faithful servants, not knowing the hour in
which their Lord cometh.

My mind has seemed to me at seasons, for some
time past, to be under a degree of preparation for
this journey into Munster, — a state of circumspec-
tion and faithful watchfulness, to the holy Head of
our most holy profession seems to be laid before
me, and to endeavour after faithfulness to His
manifestations, that I may receive a foretaste of
that crown of peace and joy in the Holy Ghost, the
fulness of which is to be experienced eternally in
the heavens. I think I feel a state in myself, under
this preparation, of endeared love towards the
Friends of this province, which I believe flows from
the Fountain of love, tendering and breaking my
spirit, to my comfort and consolation.

Farewell my much loved friend, and I humbly
hope to be thy partner and sharer in that holy life
which never is to have an end, and to be preserved
in that station, through Divine favour, in all the
trials of this life. My dear love to thy mother, kc.

John Coxrax.

john gone an. 71

From Sarah Grubb to Louisa Strangman.
Anner Mills, First Month 18th, 1783.

My Dear Friend,

Thy acceptable letter of the 4th instant reached
me in due course. As I felt some of thy painful
sensations, [alluding to her prospect of marriage]
so I could likewise rejoice with thee in the preva-
lence of that secret but all-powerful voice, which in
seasons of our greatest besetment, when we prove
that all our temporal as well as spiritual enjoyments
depend upon the Sanctifier thereof, interposes for
our help, and commands the waves that they be
still. Every little experience of this sort ought to
strengthen our faith, and add to our patience in
times of trial, knowing that at this word the winds
and seas obey ; better is it for us that it is not ex-
tended in our time, nor governed by our will, for
that would leave us destitute of means whereby our
spiritual faculties could be exercised and prepared
for spiritual services, for ourselves or in the church
militant on earth ; and did we find it permitted in
the Divine law that our wills and inclinations might
preside over our religious impressions, how short
would their reign be, and how little certainty should
we find in their fluctuations. Better, far better is
it for us to go under the weight of the cross, feel-
ing its substantial operations on our minds by cru-

72 THE LIFE OF

eifying us to our own carnal wisdom, and that unto
us ; that so an immovable kingdom may be estab-
lished in righteousness in us, and, from an increas-
ing pure, holy attachment to that Arm which brings
deliverance, we may seek to have our lives sup-
ported and conducted by the precious gift of faith,
finding it to be our meat and our drink to do the
will of our heavenly Father. The comfortable aspi-
ration of thy mind the night before thou wrote me
seems a seal to the belief that thy prospect is a
right one.

Such are greatly wanted as will firmly stand in
the life and authority of Truth, and lift up the stan-
dard thereof to the indifferent unwashed professors
in this day, who have the form of godliness, but
want the efficacy and wholesome fruits of the power.
I am convinced, however, that they who stand and
are enough engaged faithfully to keep their ranks,
must suffer persecution and be lightly esteemed of
many for the Truth's sake, — not a persecution like
that which befel our predecessors in the rising of
the purity of the gospel day, when their bodies were
imprisoned and despised, and the Spirit of their
holy Head triumphed over death, hell, and the
grave; but this day of trial, if I have any sense of
it, is a still more evil day and bitter, because the
seed of the kingdom is under oppression, and few
are grieved for its affliction. Many are dwelling at

JOHNCONEAN. 73

ease in their ceiled houses, are consoling themselves
with what they find there, thinking how much safer
it is to keepin this habitation than to venture them-
selves into the battle of a despised cause in these
perilous times — others who have been appointed
and armed for the Lamb's war have flinched when
they were called to stand in the front, for fear of
some personal disadvantage, — and there are those
who have lost favour and strength, by too boldly and
precipitately engaging in battle before their armour
was prepared, their earthen pitchers broken, and by
the sound of the trumpet they were commissioned
to. cry, — " the sword of the Lord and of Gideon."
•From a transient survey of the various openings
to error, and perceiving that there is but one way
and one means to stand in that kingdom which is
not of this world, many discouragements arise, and
sometimes a language that " one day I shall fall by
the hand of the enemy." And yet I may acknow-
ledge, that in some seasons of trial which I have
experienced of late, exceeding and different to what
I ever before knew, I have been secretly strength-
ened by the belief, that as we suffer ourselves to be
brought to the balance of the sanctuary, and stand
open to every manifestation we may find there, even
when it requires us to be melted down again in order
to add to our weight, that though the enemy may
beset and boldly vaunt against us, pouring as it

74 THE LIFE OF

were his floods out of his mouth, he will never be
able to pluck us out of the Divine hand, but a hook
will be put in his jaws, and deliverance wrought
for the pure seed. As it is only by our being led
down in the deeps, purified there, established there,
and there seeing the wonderful mystery of godli-
ness, that we shall be able to stand the fiery darts
of the wicked, and after having done all to stand
with garments unpolluted, hands washed in inno-
cency, and hearts that have access to the altar of
God, — let us not be afraid, beloved friend, but
trust and humbly confide in Him who can teach
our hands to w ar and our fingers to fight, and will,
as we are faithful to Him, shield us under every
assault, from within or from without.

It is very unexpected to me that I have written
thus ; I had no view of it when I took up my pen,
nor has my mind been disposed of late to com-
municate, but I write what occurs, without re-
straint, feeling that love in which there is free-
dom. 1 feel nearly and dearly to love thee, and

remain therein with E. G.'s and sister Sally
(John's) love, thy poor but affectionate,

S. Grubb.

In this visit to the county of Wexford, I believe
I was, according to my small measure, baptized into
the states of the people, a'nd made to sit where they

JOHNCONBAN. 75

sat ; from these feelings I may say, that the life of
religion is low in this quarter, many of the aged
and middle-aged having buried their talents in the
earth, and the Divine Seed seems to be pressed as
a cart is pressed under sheaves, to their own great
loss. Yet I apprehended that there was a tender
visitation of Divine love towards the beloved youth,
some of whom were looking to the elders to ask
bread, and found few, very few, to break it unto
them ; the Great Shepherd of Israel will, I believe,
in His own time arise for the help of these, and
bring them forward into use and service if they
prove faithful in the day of small things. Though
my way herein was in much strippedness, in which
I had to go deeper than heretofore, yet my ex-
perience was increased, and I was made willing to
be where the seed was, in a state of suffering in
many places.

29th. — At Ballicane we had a very heavy, dull
meeting : it felt to me that many were buried in
the earth, they knew not how to dig, and to beg
they were ashamed : they bore the appearance of
the Lord's people, but their hearts seemed to be
far from Him. I had to minister here in great
poverty and weakness, and was favoured with peace.

Eleventh Month 6th. — The National Meeting at
Dublin concluded. The several sittings of this
meeting were much clouded, too many not suffi-

76 THE LIFE OF

ciently concerned to wrestle for the blessing, wait-
ing in a careless, lukewarm and unconcerned situa-
tion, like the multitude formerly for the loaves and
fishes to be handed to the servants and so to them,
instead of labouring for themselves to be fed imme-
diately by the Heavenly Hand. There were many
servants present who appeared exercised for restor-
ing ancient beauty in the church ; in the meeting
for business, R. Valentine was well and zealously
engaged on that subject. I thought the business
was conducted in too formal a way, barely reading
and answering the queries, with little observation
on the represented state of the body. I think I
never saw into the state of the Society so clearly as
of late, and that unless our holy Head is pleased to
arise and qualify some suitable well-concerned
members in the church, the blessed cause of Truth
will suffer amongst us ; so many are closely occu-
pied in building up their own houses, whilst the
Lord's house is I fear in many places left desolate.
10th. — Very hard labour at Edenderry meeting,
a deep covering of the earth rendering the precious
seed too much unfruitful among many of the pro-
fessors. In an opportunity after dinner, the state
of the elders in the breaking forth of this Gospel-
day was set forth, (some of whose descendants were
present,) how they were concerned above all things
to do their heavenly Father's will, and that they

JOHNCONRAN. 77

were made bright, and noble, and valiant for His
cause on earth, by keeping deep in their dwelling,
and near the heavenly Spring ; they were men to
be wondered at by the people amongst whom they
dwelt, and from the fulness of their experience had
at times to bless that great Name who liveth for
ever, and to cry Holy, holy, Lord God of Sabaoth,
the heaven and earth was full of His glory — that
the same way was open to us, if we, as they, were
concerned to have our dwellings where no divina-
tion nor enchantment can prevail.

12th. — The select Monthly Meeting was held
this morning : in this opportunity my exercise was
so close and trying that I secretly cried, "Lord,
remember David and all his troubles;" my mind
wandered up and down, and could not find a resting
place, which was a great grief to me. R. Valentine,
after a considerable time in silence, described the
state of those who were so exercised in spirit that
they could not do any thing for their Master, and
so forsaken that they could not think one good
thought — that this was a profitable season, purging
and purifying the vessel in the laver of regenera-
tion, so as to fit and prepare it for the Master's use,
showing us to ourselves, and what we are without
Him. The queries were answered, and R. Valentine
was concerned that Friends should be upright in
their answers, and tell the state of things as they

78 THE LIFE OF

really are. I felt a little matter on my mind, what
the prophet saw — the Lord standing upon a wall
made by a plumb-line, with a plumb-line in His
hand — which opened before me as the wall of dis-
cipline which surrounded us, and would preserve
us from the corruptions in the world and ourselves
— that this discipline was founded in the wisdom
of Truth — that those who stood on the wall should
build with the plumb-line of truth and righteous-
ness in their hands, and that the order of Truth
and the Gospel led us to confess ourselves one to
another honestly and uprightly, which might open
in concerned minds a word of counsel and advice
for our help and recovery.

ISth. — Monthly Meeting at Edenderry, a hard
and laborious time — a dark and heavy cloud seemed
to surround us ; Robert Valentine and John Hall
appeared with difficulty, there seemed little en-
trance, or life raised, in the meeting; I thought to
carry away my burden, but fearing to withhold,
stood up in fear and great weakness, with the re-
membrance of Israel formerly, when the Divine
presence so filled the temple, that there was scarce
room for the priests to minister ; that under this
present Gospel dispensation, a like state was ex-
perienced, when the priests and people were so
Divinely refreshed in their silent meetings for wor-
ship that there was an unwillingness to enter in

JOHNCONRAN. T9

and minister,but they sat each of them refreshed and
satisfied, as under their own vine and fig-tree, where
none could make them afraid, [and I queried how
Friends had] felt that day ? [for that I could testify]
for myself that I had been baptized in the cloud,
into death and darkness, and that sin wTas the parti-
tion-wall which separated, &c. The men's meeting
was favoured : R.Valentine dropped several weighty
suitable remarks ; he is a zealous Friend in disci-
pline. I have renewed cause for thankfulness, that
I feel the Lord to be my strength in weakness,
riches in poverty, and my all in every time of need.
I have had trying seasons to pass through [of late],
more so I think than I ever experienced since my
mouth was first opened in a public testimony for
the Truth, having often to go down into Jordan and
to stand there with somewThat of the weight of the
Ark on my shoulder, and wait for the passing over
of the people. It was a comfort and rejoicing to
me, to find myself dipped into the same states that
my companions were, and to have sometimes like
expressions living in my heart ; this helped, through
Divine favour, to strengthen and confirm me in that
which I hope and believe is the way of well-doing.
29th. — Week-day meeting at Waterford : I have
experienced a trying state of poverty mostly since
I came here, and in this meeting, which I believe
I was the cause of bringing on, by refusing to

80 THE LIFE OF

appear in a state of weakness the day before in a
Friend's family ; yet gracious regard was extended
to me this evening, in a little opening in this
family, after which I thought I had to see that
" there is that scattereth and yet increaseth, and
there is that withholdeth more than is meet but it
tendeth to poverty/ '

Twelfth Month 8th. — Meetings at Limerick ; my
companions were concerned in testimony in both
meetings, it was my lot to sit in poverty and
silence, life did not feel to me to be in dominion.
I fear this world and its pursuits stands as a par-
tition-wall between many and their soul's happi-
ness ; oh ! the desolations it brings upon those
who set out well, and run well for a season, but
Demas-like, forsake the God that made them, for
the glory and vanity of this present world! Yet
there are some here I trust, who have in this the
day of their youth chosen the Lord for their por-
tion, and I believe He is at work by His power in
their hearts, to draw them near to Himself, that
they may become a people to His praise and glory.
With these my spirit was nearly united, and in the
fresh feelings of that love which flowed in my heart
towards them, I was renewedly engaged to suppli-
cate the Father of mercies secretly on their account,
that He would in His tender mercy and gracious
regard preserve them in His holy life and fear, that

JOHN CONRAD. 81

through Him they might bring forth fruits to His
praise and glory.

15th. — [After speaking of several meetings, and
opportunities at Cork, he says] in all of these my
covering was poverty, strippedness, and silence :
under this dispensation I grew uneasy and restless,
which I believe increased it, till Gracious Conde-
scension was pleased to show me that a quiet
habitation was the safest and best dwelling, and
here I was enabled at this time to seek for and find
rest to my wearied spirit.

Yith. — As we passed along in this city, I have
felt my mind drawn in dear love to Friends here,
and have been enabled in some families, through
Divine favour and ability, to express some things to
my own peace, and I trust and hope to the edifica-
tion one of another ; this is renewed cause of
thankfulness, when I remember what I had been,
and my present state of weakness, how unworthy
I am to be made of any, or the least, use in my
Lord's family. Let His own works praise Him,
but unto me belongs shame and confusion of face,
and His mercies, they endure to His unworthy
creature to this day. Amen — so be it !

24:th. — Cork week-day meeting. My stay here

was about twelve days, in much weakness and in

much fear ; a crumb from the heavenly table was at

times mercifully afforded, which helped to sustain

6

82 THE LIFE OP

me when I appeared ready to perish. I think they
proved profitable seasons, teaching me to suffer
hunger and thirst, and therewith to be content, and
bringing me to know in my own experience, naked-
ness, and who it was that should clothe me ; so
that I then could render praises and thanksgivings
to Him to whom they are due.

We left our dear friend R. V. here, to recruit
under the hospitable roof of our kind friends
Samuel Neale and wife, and set out for Youghal,
Clonmel, Mountmellick, and the Province Meeting
at Castle Dermot on the 4th of First Month, 1783.
In the meeting on First-day we sat near two hours
in a painful silence, when I was favoured with a
little strength to express my sense of the meeting,
WThich I compared to a spring shut up, a fountain
sealed — that there seemed to be little of the flowing
of that river to be felt amongst us, the streams
whereof make glad the whole heritage of God —
that the light of the body is the eye, if it be
single the whole body is full of light; but if it
be evil, the whole body is full of darkness — that
it is for want of our eye being single enough unto
Him,^vho is the Light and Life of men, that we are
thus allowed to sit as in the region and shadow of
death, having our eye like the eye of the fool, out
after the perishing things of this world, and wan-
dering in the darkness of it : and therefore we come

'JOHN CONRAN. 83

to our religious meetings in this dark state, sit in it,
and bring it over our assemblies, and go away, like
the door upon its hinges, moving backwards and for-
wards, and never coming nearer. Afterwards dear
Mary Eidgway stood up, and expressed a like sense
of the meeting : it was a time of brokenness and
contrition to my spirit. This meeting I thought,
was a time of instruction even to the unlearned,
who might see and feel that the ministers of them-
selves could do nothing ; nevertheless, through
Divine regard being extended, we were latterly
favoured together, to the comfort and refreshment
I hope of many truly baptized ones present.

7th. — Week-day meeting in Dublin. — I have now
concluded this visit, and though my way has been
much in the deeps, often baptized for the dead, dry
and formal professors amongst us, the lukewarm^
and indifferent, the earthly-minded, who bring death
and darkness to our assemblies, — and have had to sit
as the people sit, and to go down and visit the pre-
cious seed of the kingdom, which is in bondage in
the hearts of the people — though these were very
trying, proving seasons, yet they were made profit-
able, purifying times, having, I believe, to wade and
go deeper thanheretofore to reach to that life which
is hid with Christ in God. My painful travail in
spirit was not in vain, for the wrestling seed was
at times made to prevail, and the living spring

84 THE LIFE OF

to arise, to the comfort and refreshment of the
truly hungry and baptized spirits ; this is an en-
couragement to persevere and wrestle till the day
dawns and the shadows flee away. There seems to
be too general a declension among those who should
be of the fore-rank of the people, who, with the
riches of this world and the anxious love of it, have
let in a spirit of ease and indifferency as to those
things which alone make for true peace. Yet I
believe there are up and down a few substantial
living members who love the Truth, are concerned
for the promotion of it in the earth, and I hope are
under a godly concern on their own accounts to
keep their habitations in it, and their garments un-
spotted from the world. May these be increased,
and experience a growth from one degree of strength
unto another, that Zion may once more put on her
beautiful garments, become as the garden enclosed,
and the desire and beauty of all nations. There are
many beautiful and blooming youth of both sexes
in many parts that seem to be under the lively im-
pressions of the heavenly visitation ; my spirit was
at times nearly united to some of these, and warm
desires were begotten in my heart for their preser-
vation. May these remember their Creator in the
days of their youth, when their offering will be
truly of a sweet savour, and as sweet smelling in-
cense to their God ; for this end has He in His

JOHNCONRAN. 85

gracious condescension visited them, that they
should be redeemed from the pollutions that are in
the world, and that by giving up faithfully in this
the day of their early visitation, and dwelling under
the turnings of His holy hand, they may be fitted,
qualified, and so become vessels of honour in His
house, to His praise, and their own peace and con-
solation. But I was jealous over some of them,
with a godly jealousy, lest they were not sufficiently
sensible of the blessings bestowed upon them ; they
felt the warmth of the Sun of Righteousness shining
upon them, and the precious unity of their living
brethren and sisters — they were enjoying the com-
forts of this summer season, but not enough at-
tending on the work in themselves to which they
were called — were loitering in the market-place,
and permitting the blessed day of God's visitation to
be passing by [unimproved], and the night stealing
upon them in which the work cannot be done. To
such this language is truly applicable, — "Work
while it is called to-day, lest darkness come upon
you." When the springs of love and dedication to
God are dried up, and the tenderness of spirit lost
in the cares of the world, they lose that dignity and
true nobility which this precious visitation would
have crowned them with ; instead of being covered
with living zeal as with a cloak, and being made
men and women for God, and testimony-bearers

86 THE LIFE OF

for his Truth, they become dry and formal profes-
sors, and not receiving their daily food from heaven
which only can keep the soul alive unto God, they
live upon their former experiences when the Lord's
candle shone upon them, are little better than
burdens to the living, and their lives are without
[the true] honour, their hearts not being right in
the sight of God. May such as these dear visited
ones prize their calling, and be willing to open to
Him who has mercifully knocked at their door,
seeking for entrance, that He may sup with them
and they with Him — then indeed may it be said,
" Salvation is come to that house."

My beloved friend, Louisa Strangman, and I took
each other in marriage on the 9th of Fourth Month,
1783, in a meeting for worship in Mountmellick,
after an engagement on my mind for her of about
eight years' continuance, which time had many deep
and trying exercises in it, the prospect at times
opening with clearness, and afterwards closing
and shutting the door of hope. I was favoured
with her company nearly twenty-three years, much
to my comfort and consolation. When, under the
counsels of Heavenly wisdom, and in the Divine
fear, man and woman are united together and be-
come one in the Lord, baptized together and drink-
ing of the same cup that their Lord and Master
drank of, being of one heart and one mind, dedi-

JOHN CONRAN. 87

cated to the Lord's service, helping one another
to obey His holy requirings without grudging —
these when they are brought together, it is by a
way they know not of, (neither the outward eye
nor judgment of man can comprehend it), and
walking by that faith which is the evidence of
what they do not see outwardly, the end thereof
is peace.

[Previous to his marriage he received the follow-
ing letter from T. Greer : — ]

From Thomas Greer to John Conran.
Dungannon, Third Month 20th, 1783.

Dear Friend,

I have repeatedly turned over thy request to be
at Mountmellick next Fourth-day week, but do not
find that I can make it convenient with regard to
matters of duty, which I see no way of putting by.
Do not, however, thence conclude it is for want of
affectionate regard either to thee or Louisa. I have
long loved her with that love which is pure and un-
mixed, and it would I think be a pleasing matter to
be present at the solemnization of your marriage ;
I trust you will be favoured with the company of
the Master, and then it matters not how few disci-
ples attend, as the wine will doubtless be good and

88 THE LIFE OF

accompanied with a blessing, although it may be
pronounced in silence.

This roll, which I have at times been eating of
for some considerable time past, begins to grow
bitter in the inner parts; I have pleaded and
pleaded again mine unfitness, and have turned the
fleece upon it more frequently than we are informed
Gideon did upon his commission, yet find no release
therefrom ; I have therefore in my own mind given
up thereunto, and at times feel a wish to be gone.
I have looked as closely as I am capable of, as to
the time and place of taking shipping, and seem
easiest at the thoughts of stealing away through
Scotland, without previous sound of trumpet or
other signal of important embassy ; and it looks as
if I must turn out all alone, like another scape-goat,
bearing my own burthen of infirmities, as well as
those of the people where my lot may be cast : but
this I through mercy know, that He who sends
forth into the harvest is faithful, and will neither
beget nor bring to the birth without giving power
to bring forth ; and upon this arm of Almighty
power I desire that my trust may for ever be for
fresh supplies of strength and wisdom.

The dispensation we are under is a glorious one,
but the time and season appears to be very peril-
ous— this last arises from the present state of the
churches ; the great part of the people are chil-

JOHN CONRAN. 89

dren of tradition, and many of the few that appear
to be somewhat, have either clothed themselves with
an outside appearance,or are led away thereby, inso-
much that RacheVs voice may everywhere be heard,
by those who have ears to hear and hearts to feel
for her. But what will unprofitable bemoaning avail?
I believe it to be the mind of the great and good
Master that the camp should be searched as with
fresh-lighted candles, that every false covering may
be seen, and every covering short of His Spirit be
brought to judgment ; may He in mercy to His
church and people yet fit and qualify for this ser-
vice, and send forth fishers to fish, and hunters to
hunt the people home in their minds to that Divine
principle of saving grace, which alone can bring
salvation to their houses, and give them to see in
the unerring glass of Truth the deformity of pro-
fession without possession, and of form without
power. Then would the language of lamentation
cease, and the poor baptized messengers' sorrows
would be turned into gladness of heart. My pen
has run on in some sort unwittingly into some
strokes which I had no view of when I sat down,
but I seem free in thus communing a little with
thee, and I may add that of late it is rather rare
that I feel an openness to commune so with any ;
notwithstanding my thoughts have been as much
(if not more) engaged about these things as in any

90 THE LIFE OF

part of my life ; but it has been my lot to feel
and suffer very much in private, having been
almost cut off (in my own apprehension) from the
sympathy of others, and this I conceive to be for
some good purpose, which in the end will be mani-
fested, and we must learn to wait in patience for
the fulness of time in all things.

Our men's meeting is to be held next Fourth-day ;
if my feelings of duty continue I propose then lay-
ing my concern before that meeting, in order to my
obtaining a certificate to be addressed to friends of
such counties in Britain as it may concern. Al-
though I think I feel heavier than I did any of the
former four times I have been engaged in visiting
meetings in that land, I do not see the extent of my
intended visit ; but see enough, and clear enough,
to draw me from home, and feel a wish to take a
range of meetings in the northern counties before
the Yearly Meeting comes on, and then feel my way
and follow the pointings of that Wisdom which is
profitable and best able to direct from step to step
therein. At the same time I fully expect my faith
will be proved from day to day, as I pass along in
the arduous warfare ; and what but conflicts can
the poor messengers expect whilst in this militant
state ? I am certain if we are upon the right foun-
dation it must be the case. I therefore look for my
share of them ; nor should we grow weary of suffer-

JOHN CON RAN. 91

ing with the Seed, but with cheerful resignation
bear our respective parts of what may remain for
us to fill up of the sufferings of our holy and bles-
sed Helper, who rejoices in beholding the patient
resignation of His tribulated followers, and whose
holy Arm is underneath to support and preserve
above the waters.

Farewell : I feel a wish for thine and L.'s pre-
sent comfort and everlasting welfare, and that you
may be enabled, like Zacharias and Elizabeth, to
walk in all the commandments of the Lord blame-
less. My dear love to her, and accept the same
thyself from thy sincere friend,

Thomas Greer.

After we were married we attended the Half-
year's Meeting in Dublin ; and in the Seventh
Month I engaged in a family visit in Ballyhagen,
and had the company of two valuable elders. The
meeting at Ballyhagen I thought a very low time,
and once or twice I felt as if I should be altogether
a castaway from that Divine grace which had
visited me : yet, through the arising of Divine Life
in my heart, I was mercifully enabled to go forth in
a testimony to God's goodness, acquainting them
how discouraging the prospect was to me at first, to
visit a people that was peeled and scattered amongst
the people with whom they dwelt — that I remem-

92 THE LIFE OF

bered the vision which the holy apostle formerly
had of the sheet which was let down from heaven,
knit at the four corners, which I compared to their
meeting which had been gathered by the wisdom
and power of God, and knit and enclosed by the
hedge of his Holy discipline ; but that I saw it was
filled with unclean beasts and the creeping things
of the earth — that I was very unwilling to proceed,
and refused to go as long as I dare ; still the mar-
vellous loving-kindness of Divine mercy continued
to call, saying, " Arise, Peter, slay and eat" — slay
those things with the sword of my Spirit, or there
is no eating for those servants who do not obey the
command of their Lord ! We had three sittings
with near a hundred who were not in unity, wherein
my service opened beyond my expectation, having
to feel great poverty and weakness, yet experienced
Divine mercy extended to be unto me mouth and
wisdom, tongue and utterance, to show this class
the great loss they have sustained by going out of
the garden enclosed, and thereby losing the
heavenly fellowship of Christ's blessed Spirit who
called those (by His Spirit), that4had their spiritual
dwellings in this enclosure, His sister and spouse,
&c. In our proceeding through the families, the
first five of the Quarterly Meeting queries were
generally read and answered, which brought forth
some suitable and close remarks, and I thought
was of considerable service.

JOHN CONRAN. 93

There appears to be a great deficiency in the
attendance of meetings, and ignorance among too
many of the principles they profess, as well as very
great rawness in religion. They seemed to receive
the word of exhortation affectionately and patiently,
and I thought there was a degree of fresh visitation
afforded to some, if they will on their parts abide
under it. As I passed on in this service, I thought
it one of the most useful parts of our religious dis-
cipline, when suitably performed, waiting in the
families upon the opening of that Divine counsel
which is profitable for all things, and shows to them
as it were their natural face in a glass ; which, after
they have been favoured to see, too many go away and
straightway forget what manner of men they are.
It seemed as if darkness had covered the earth, and
gross darkness the hearts of this high professing
people. I was more enlarged in this visit than I
had been before, and often admired how I was some-
times led to speak, having close doctrine to drop to
the lukewarm, the indifferent, the outside professor,
the negligent, and those who forget that Hand which
made them, as it were, days without number ; and
had in gospel love to call to such as were resting in
a name to live, yet were dead as to the life and sub-
stance of true religion, to come home to that true
rest which is prepared for the righteous, and them
only. Upon the whole, I believe the service was

94 THE LIFE OF

owned at times by the Great Master of our assem-
blies, who was pleased to help us with a little help
under trying painful baptisms, in which we had to
visit the precious holy seed of life, which was often-
times to be found in a state of bondage and oppres-
sion. Yet we were favoured to feel the Son of
peace to be in some of these poor dwellings, and
then we had to salute that house in peace. I was
glad I was there, though I went forth very much
in the cross, and in poverty, having very seldom
for three months before opened my mouth in public
testimony. But it is well for that servant whom his
Master finds watching when he cometh, He will
make him ruler over His household ; and it must
be in His authority we rule if we ever are of any
real service in His family. I was favoured to re-
turn with a sheaf, and had to look back and believe
that I had left nothing undone which I apprehended
I should do : the praise is to that holy and great
Being to whom the work belongs, and it is His
works only which can praise Him ! Amen !

Having felt a concern for some months to pay a
religious visit to Friends' families in Ballinderry
meeting, and obtaining the approbation of our meet-
ing, and my dear friend, James Christy, the elder,
joining me in it, we set out on the 8th of the Tenth
Month, 1783, and in the course of our visit had two
meetings with between forty and fifty persons not

JOHN CONRAN. 95

in membership. We had some very painful bap-
tisms, some of the most stripping times I had met
with of late, among dry formalists ; but we were
favoured to get through the service in peace.

In this year of my marriage I had thought to get
leave to stay at home and attend all the meetings as
they fell in course, which I think we always did
when health permitted, for my dear wife was as
zealously concerned, if not more so than I was ;
[but] I felt an engagement on my mind to visit the
families of Friends in Lurgan and Moyallen meet-
ings, and afterwards those of Coothill and Oldcastle
meetings, which I proceeded in, accompanied by my
friend, James Christy. I thought this visit was
favoured with a degree of openness towards some
young people, but it appeared there was not much
help to be expected from their elders, who were too
much engaged in their worldly concerns. At Old-
castle there was more order and regularity pre-
served ; meetings are kept up, and the testimonies
supported ; nevertheless, there appears to be too
much of sitting down at ease, and not enough of
making use of the time and talent to the praise of
Him who gave it. I was mercifully favoured to
reach my own habitation with the evidence of peace
in my bosom, and found my dear wife well, who
soon after gave birth to a son.

I had no more engagements from home during the

96 THE LIFE OF

remainder of this year, but attended on my outward
concerns, (with meetings as they came in course,)
for as Solomon said, "there is a time for every pur-
pose under heaven;5' our great and good Master
knows what things we stand in need of, and leaves
us at liberty at times, with his blessing, to procure
them ; as the apostle declared his own hands had
ministered to his necessities.

In looking over some memorandums of my la-
bours in the ministry, I must acknowledge I have
been only an unprofitable servant, and have nothing
to trust to for the hope of a blessed immortality
but the mercies of God in Christ Jesus, who was
the Author, and I humbly trust and hope will be
the Finisher of my faith.

From Christiana Hustler to John Cokbajt.

Ayton, Math Month 18th, 1784.

Dear Friend,

I have often wished to salute thee and thy dear L.
by a few lines, since you have been united by those
outward ties which, I think you both know, I had
beheld in prospect, as believing them to be in the
pointing of Best Wisdom for you both, and there-
fore felt myself nearly interested in the completion
of. I have felt thus drawn not only as bound in
gratitude to acknowledge the many evidences re-
ceived, both when present with thee and since my

JOHN CONEAN. 97

return from your land, of thy kind attention and
remembrance, but also as expressive of my continued
sisterly regard and affection, which I feel to remain
a debt due to you. I have often with great near-
ness beheld you comfortably settled, and I believe
in your right allotment, and where I have no doubt
of your mutually strengthening each other's hands,
as you stand in that allotment Divine Wisdom has
placed you in, and under the sense of that unmerited
mercy and parental care so graciously continued,
still adopting with feeling energy, that becoming
and needful language, " What shall I render to thee
for all thy mercies, Oh ! thou Preserver of men ?"

Well, my dear friends, may you and I ever be
enabled to press forward (leaving the things that
are behind) towards the mark, for the prize set
before us, however arduous and tribulated the
path ; that neither heights nor depths, principa-
lities nor powers, things present, nor yet to come,
may ever be able to separate us from that love
which we have been mercifully enabled in days
past to prefer to all things visible ; and may we be
enough engaged so to run as that we may obtain,
is the principal desire of my mind, I think I may
truly say, at this time.

I have often, dear friend, been afraid thou
shouldest construe my silence, so long continued,
into an unkind return for thy part of a correspon-
7

98 THE LIFE OP

dence which, however undeserving I may appear to
be of, has been greatly valued by me, and which
nothing but the deep poverty that has been the
almost unvaried clothing of my spirit, and has
hitherto discouraged from prosecuting many at-
tempts already made, would have hindered thy re-
ceiving ample testimonials of long ere this. And
though at present I can by no means boast of better
things, yet as I am often afresh convinced of the
loss I sustain by giving way to these feelings, I wish
to break through by telling thee how acceptable a
letter from thee would be, to tell me how you are,
and how your dear child comes on; I think if I
could convey myself for one hour to thy house, to
thy little room, to see you together, and to con-
verse and have sweet fellowship, as in days past,
it would feel comfortable.

As to myself, and my own movements, I have
little to say, having seldom to my own feelings
been able to keep my head above water : I am at
present with our valuable friend Rebecca Jones,
who came over with Thomas Ross and Mehetabel
Jenkins (now in your land,) and divers other
Friends, a little before the last Yearly Meeting,
where believing it right for myself to be, and she
willing to accept of my company down into the
north, we came to the Quarterly (or what are called
the Yearly) Meetings at Colchester, Woodbridge,

JOHN C ONE AN. 99

and Norwich, taking the meetings in the way, and
after them most of those in Norfolk, Lincolnshire,
and Yorkshire. — And now, with an earnest request
that thou wilt again let me hear from thee, I must
for the present bid thee dearly farewell, and with
the affectionate salutation of my best love to thy
whole self, remain your assured, though poor friend,
Christiana Hustler.

P.S. My late companion Phebe Marshall, is
married to a Friend of Leeds meeting, whose
name is James Blakes, I hope suitably.

Twelfth Month 6th. — Since writing the above, we
attended our autumn Quarterly Meeting, proceed-
ing pretty directly from thence into the counties of
Durham, Northumberland, and through Scotland as
far as Old Meldrum, returning last Seventh-day to
this place (Whitehaven,) and hope to reach our
Quarterly Meeting at Leeds the latter end of this
month. Our friend John Hall, at whose house we
lodged two nights, desired to be affectionately re-
membered to thee, and that I will inform thee he
received an acceptable letter from thee at Birming-
ham, which he intends to answer shortly. He with
my companion are both bravely, as was Rebecca
Wright, whom we passed on her way to Scotland,
accompanied by Martha Routh. Patience Brayton
is I expect now in or near Cornwall, Samuel Emlen

100 THE LIFE OF

and George Dillwyn and his wife in London, and by
letters received, our worthy friend Robert Valentine
is safely arrived in his own land before their Yearly
Meeting in the Ninth Month which will be, and has
been cause of joy, no doubt to his friends as well
as himself. Once more farewell. C. H

[It appears that Rebecca Jones visited Ireland
in the ensuing year, no mention is made of her
services in that nation by John Conran, but among
his memoranda a remarkable farewell testimony is
noted which she bore in a meeting at Dublin, in
these words, viz : " The Master said to me, * Thou
came poor among this people — thou hast sat
amongst them in much poverty — be content to
leave them in much poverty — I have taken the
crown from off their heads — let them wear dust
and ashes my appointed time, then shall my light
break forth as brightness, and I will be to them a
crown of glory and a diadem of beauty. ' "

It is believed the following is the letter referred
to by C. Hustler.]

To John Conran.
Dear Friend,
Thou hast often been brought near to my mind,
in that love which distance does not wear out, and
I have often felt desires for thy preservation, for we

JOHN CONE AN. 101

serve a good Master, and I can in humble thankful-
ness say, "that His mercies to us have been more
than the hairs of our heads. " I have tasted many-
bitter cups since I saw thee, but have often had to
rejoice in humble thankfulness, that I have been
brought to that state of resignation, wherein I could
adopt the language, " I thank thee, oh ! Father !
may this cup pass from me, yet nevertheless not
my will but thine be done, oh ! God ! " I believe it
is good and also profitable for us experimentally to
know and feel His wTill to be our sanctification ; for
we poor creatures have a deal of dross in us, and it
is only by feeling [and submitting to] the furnace,
made hotter and hotter, that the dross is separated
from the pure gold, which loses nothing of its
weight and value by being thus refined, but has this
excellency in it, that it is more fit to receive the
Heavenly image or inscription, that of " Holiness
tin to the Lord." I desire, while I am writing, that
I may never forget the wormwood and the gall.
In much affection and regard, I am thy loving

friend,

John Hall.

102 THE LIFE OF

CHAPTER IT.

1TS6. RELIGIOUS SERVICES IX TESTER PROVINCE

— AND HI CARLOW MEETING DEATH OF HIS

DAUGHTER — VISITS THE MEETINGS IN MUNSTER
PROVINCE — ILLNESS AND DEATH OF HIS WIFE
— RETURN INTO MUNSTER.

Tlie 1st of First Month. 1780, I ser out under
concern to pay a religious visit [again] to the fami-
lies of Friends in Ballyhagan meeting : the weather
was very severe with frost and snow roost of the
time, but as I apprehended I saw no other time
open to proceed in it. I went forward, and had as
before besides the sittings in the families, several
meetings with about ISO persons not in membership.
I found the life of religion to be low, — the form,
which many res: in. too much neglected by others, —
the plain language not kept to. — and a very general
deficiency of attending week-day meetings, and
First-day meetings by some: the sittings in the fam-
ilies were exercising, and the spring of the minis :ry
low. yet at times we were favoured with the arising
of Life when least expected — the lost sheep were
sought after, and a renewed call and visitation
extended to them, inviting them to the Father's

JOHN CONRAN. 103

house where there is bread enough and to spare ;
but if they still continued to resist and rebel against
the gracious invitations of Divine Mercy, that others
would be called in, and fill their places at the Lord's
table.

In the Eighth Month I paid a religious visit to
the families of Friends in Charlemont meeting,
under feelings of dear and heart-tendering love for
them, and having been helped to perform the same,
returned home with longing desires for their growth
and establishment in the love of God through
Christ Jesus.

In 1788, I felt the drawings of [Gospel] love in
my mind to visit the families of Friends of Carlow
Monthly Meeting, and was accompanied therein
by my friend Richard Shackleton.

In the meeting for discipline of the National
Meeting in the Fifth Month this year, I felt a
secret requiring in my mind to consent to my dear
wife going to the ensuing Yearly Meeting in
London, to which I readily yielded, and it was
very much to her satisfaction. She was there
afterwards several times, when I accompanied her,
always I may say to my edification and comfort ;
being at times, on these occasions, made sensible
that the Lord was still with Zion, and that the
shout of a King was heard in her, which helped to
confirm me in the faith in which I had believed —
blessed be His holy name !

104 THE LIFE OF

[No memoranda occur during the next seventeen
years, in which interval he lost his beloved and
only daughter ; soon after this afflicting event he
received the following letter of condolence from
his friend Gervase Johnson, who was then travel-
ling in the work of the ministry in America.]

From Gervase Johnson to John Coxran.
New York, Fifth Month 23d, 1799.

Dear Friend,

I received a letter last evening from a beloved
friend, of the land that thou resides in, giving an
account that thy dear and only daughter is deceased,
and as I have thought it to be a great outward trial
to thee and thy beloved wife, I desire to sympathize
with you, my dear friends, in your trouble ; but
knowing that the Lord giveth and taketh away at
His own good pleasure, I hope that you both are
reconciled, and contented with His Divine will, and
in your experience in being thus resigned, to give
her up to the disposal of her heavenly Father, you
will feel your bitter trials to be sweetened, which I
doubt not is your comfortable experience. Oh ! my
dear friends, knowing that all things will be parted
from us, or we from them, is great teaching to us,
that our sure happiness is in the great Giver of all
good gifts, by loving, fearing, and serving Him :
under these considerations I feel the encouraging

JOHN CONRAN. 105

language to arise in my heart on your accounts,
that although many are the trials of the righteous,
the Lord in His own time delivereth out of them
all, and if they faint not, they will receive an in-
heritance where all sorrow and tears will be done
away. In my writing to thee, my dear friend, in
thy tried situation, it is brought to my remem-
brance, thy sympathizing brotherly regard for me
in my deep trials, when about setting out on this
trying journey, thy feeling sympathy on that im-
portant occasion, I hope I shall never forget.

Farewell, my beloved friend, my love is to thee,
and thy dear wife, and son, and to all inquiring
friends, and I am thy friend,

Gervase Johnson.

P.S. — This Yearly Meeting comes on the 28th
inst., after it is over I have thought of going to-
wards New England.

[The reader is referred to the Memorials of
Rebecca Jones, p. 279, for an interesting allusion
to Gervase Johnson.]

From Sarah Grubb to John Conran.

Aimer Mills, Second Month, 26th, 1801.

My dear Cousin,
I am inclined to salute thee and my beloved
Louisa, hoping that I am not wholly kept out of your
remembrance in love, for I can aver that I love you,

106 THE LIFE OF

and often visit you in your affliction with tie best
desires my feeble mind can aspirate. I feel re-
newedly for you on the approaching Quarterly
Meeting — oh ! what a time for the most approved !
how hard to steer faultless ! and yet under the ban-
ners of the Captain of the soul's salvation, con-
quest is gained over evil in all its intricacies.
Nothing has yet happened that can make us du-
bious ; the Lamb and His followers, will have the
victory ; the point is to be His followers, and then
all the fiery darts of the wicked one shall fail. A
sore trial has come on the church, and it behoves
all who wish the restoration of good order, to take
strait steps, for there is not a disposition to feel
compunction at cutting off the skirt of the robe of
the anointed ; the language may well be uttered,
" Rejoice not against me, 0 mine enemy," and I
trust some tried depreciated ones may say, " When
I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto
me," &c. Quietness seems one of the best weapons
of defence, not a withholding through fear of man,
but a watching unto prayer, that nothing may be
attempted without the ability that cannot be foiled;
great must be the suffering of the honest-hearted,
but if it tend to deepen, if it awaken to righteous-
ness, we may hope it will work for good, to those
who hold fast the form of sound words, and are not
shaken in mind, and that the dear people who stray
from the fold, may be brought to see their error..

JOHN CON RAN. 107

I am comforted for your sakes,that the dear Scotch
women Friends are with you, we think Elizabeth
[Wigham] a well-instructed scribe, and her precious

B , walking in the same safe path. By letter

from Moate, we find you are also to have dear M. S.
and S. W.; the best wishes I am capable of attend
you all — that nothing may be able to take you from
under the sanctifying power of Truth, nor dismay
you from espousing its cause, when favoured with the
qualification. Probably you may have heard that
at our Quarterly Meeting, a hope was raised that
the Society of Friends was not yet forsaken, that
continued mercy was extended for its members to
walk acceptably, it was a memorable time. Dear
Mary Dudley has been mostly confined since ;
Richard Jordan is now in our province, and we are
daily expecting Samuel Smith. I apprehend Mary
Ridgeway is shortly to be in London, in the course
of her service. Sarah Lynes has had the concur-
rence of her Monthly Meeting to hold public meet-
ings in Friends' meeting houses about London.
Mortality awfully visits many of our dear friends
and acquaintance : we miss the sweet spirit of my
sister Grubb, she died as she lived, an example of
meekness, suffered conflict by the apprehension
of omitted duty, but cast herself on the mercy of
Providence.

S.G.

108 THE LIFE OF

Ninth Month Qth, 1805.— I left home under a
concern which had attended my mind, to visit
Friends in Munster province, and some parts of
Leinster, and arrived in Waterford on the 14th.
Next day I attended the fore and afternoon meet-
ings there, under great discouragement and bodily
weakness, having with much difficulty reached the
city ; but was enabled through Divine favour to an-
swer the service required of me in both meetings,
to my own peace and solid satisfaction. [After per-
forming the service required of him in those pro-
vinces, he says,] In this visit I had to pass through
many baptizing exercises, the state of the church
being very low in sundry places ; the cares of this
world, and the eager pursuit after the lawful things
of it, have, I fear, blinded the eyes of many, so that
they make excuses that they cannot accept the invi-
tations which have been so frequently held out by
the servants, saying, "Behold all things are ready !"
In some of these mortifying labours, wherein the
creaturely part was humbled, I had peace. When
I got to Mountmellick on the 12th of Tenth Month,
I expected to have gone by Rathangan to Dublin,
and home : but there I felt a fresh exercise on my
mind drawing me to attend the Quarterly Meeting
at Waterford, and after two days weighing it I gave
up to the requiring, believing it was from the Lord ;
and in that meeting, [especially] in the meetings of

JOHN CONBAN. 109

discipline and select meeting, I felt my mind much
engaged in the service of them, which afforded me
peace, and I left that city with a comfortable hope
that I had been in my place there.

In passing through the county of Wexford my
covering was deep poverty, except at Enniscorthy
where I felt some openness, principally to strangers,
to whom my spirit was drawn in much love, which
I believe proceeded from Him who is love, to salute
them and invite them to come and partake of the
dainties of His table. As I travelled on, my mind
sometimes looked towards home, but I could not
feel any thing but a deep baptizing exercise of
trouble, which at those times sunk my spirits greatly ;
I endeavoured to support myself under these con-
flicts with the impression, that I had not lightly
undertaken this journey, having had it on my mind
about fourteen months or more, and I went on it
in the faith and full belief it was necessary I should
not hold back any longer.

I sat three meetings in Dublin silent, and since
to this date have only spoken in testimony once.
My spirit feels forsaken, ashes are on my head
spiritually, feeling myself made inwardly sensible,
that I am altogether unworthy and unfit to speak
in the name of the Lord, almost saying with Moses,
"Send by whom thou wilt send,'' for I neither
desire, nor can I go ; and in this disposition I re-
joice that I am set at liberty from dealing any

110 THE LIFE OF

more with a people whose ears are dull of hear-
ing— eyes they have, but they see not the beauty
there is in the Truth — hearts they have, but they
understand not the things which concern their
everlasting peace ! May the Lord in His gracious
condescending mercy, once more say to His people,
Arise, and shake yourselves from the dust of the
earth, and put on thy beautiful garments, Oh !
Jerusalem ; that Zion may once more become the
praise of the whole earth, that she may again travail
and bring forth children, to the praise of the great
Name!— Twelfth Month 19th, 1805.

I travelled home the 5th of the Eleventh Month
from the above journey, and found my dear wife in
a very low way and poor state of health, and her
disorder increasing rapidly. She continued to sink
until the 4th of Twelfth Month, when she quietly
departed, and I trust, has obtained a mansion in her
heavenly Fathers's house, which I believe she faith-
fully laboured for from the age of about fifteen
years. At that early age, I have heard, she showed
marks of Divine visitation, and giving up to the
heavenly vision, she was enabled thereby to order
her conversation in such a circumspect manner, as to
be a good example to the youth who were cotempo-
rary with her ; her presence among them kept down
all levity without using any austere remonstrances,
or giving such advice as seemed to claim superiority
over them* She [thus in the morning of life]

JOHN CONRAN. Ill

preached the cross to the beloved youth, by daily
taking of it up, and praised her Lord and Master, as
being worthy of being obeyed, by obeying Him.
Her company was sought by her elders, who saw
in her that wisdom was not confined to grey hairs,
nor an unspotted life to old age ; for she mani-
fested, that by an early and faithful dedication to
the operation of the Divine grace in her heart, both
might be shown forth, in a conversation evidently
coupled with the fear and love of God, to the com-
fort and consolation of many Friends who were
her intimates. The first time I saw her, which was
at a funeral at Dublin, her appearance to me was
that of a disciple of Christ. I was then under the
discipline of the cross, having been united to the
Lord's church and family about two years.

[After we were married] she proved to me a
faithful and exercised companion in many tribula-
tions, the worst of which was from false brethren ;
and being a woman of an excellent and discerning
spirit, was made useful to me in advice and counsel,
having the qualification and being in the station
of an elder in the church ; which gift she exercised
in this Quarterly Meeting oftentimes in great
weakness and fear, being not only modest in ex-
ercising her talent, but also diffident, preferring
others to herself. Poverty was very often the cover-
ing of her spirit, but it had a blessing with it, for

112 THE LIFE OP

she was of much use, and had great pi ace hereaway,
so that her removal is deeply regretted by the few
who are well concerned in this quarter. I may say
she was faithful in her attendance of meetings, both
at home and the Yearly and Half- Year's Meetings in
Dublin, where her value was acknowledged by her
sisters sometimes choosing her as clerk. She was
four times at the Yearly Meeting in London ; the
first time she acted as assistant-clerk, which made
her acquainted with many valuable Friends in that
nation, whose friendship and sympathy she obtained.
The last Monthly Meeting she attended was in
company with three Friends from England,who were
travelling in Truth's service, when I was from home,
one of whom, I was told, jn the Women's Meeting,
bore testimony that there was one present whose
day's work was over — that He who had been
her morning light would become her evening
song — that there was a mansion prepared for
her, and that her rest would be glorious. When
her sickness in the beginning did not appear very
alarming, she, on waking from sleep once told
me she expected to die of that sickness, and that
she had had a secret intimation of it in that
sleep. From that time she turned her thoughts
heavenward, and was very frequent in supplica-
tion that the Lord would look upon her in mercy.
She at one time expressed her unqualified belief
in the Divine Nature of Jesus Christ, through

JOHN CONEAN. 113

whom she expected remission of sins. She said the
principles of Friends were the principles of Truth,
that she always believed in them, and was willing to
lay down her life for the testimony of Jesus. After
she had been silent for many hours, and I scarcely
expected she would speak again, I heard her saying
in a low voice, " Who is this great enemy that sur-
rounds me ? (meaning death, I believe,) Christ will
overcome him." She called up her maid-servants
and gave them excellent advice to the tendering of
their hearts, desiring them to make truth and
honesty their guide ; she prayed fervently for me
and her son, who was present, advised him to be
affectionate and dutiful to me, and that when I
looked on him I should remember her. She desired
to be remembered to sundry Friends, and said that
she loved every one. Thus was this beloved partner
taken from me, after living in sweet fellowship up-
wards of twenty-two years. Many times I was
bowed in humble thankfulness to the great and
good Giver of this first of earthly blessings I had
received at His merciful hands. I sensibly feel the
loss I have of her sweet society, but this is in degree
compensated for by the lively hope I have, that it is
her everlasting gain. As I stood at the grave my
spirit felt clothed with such serenity and stillness,
that my sorrow ceased and resignation took up the
place of it ; and though there was not any public
8

114 THE LIFE OF

testimony borne, yet the sweet peace that was felt
was more encouraging than words. Her remains
were interred in Friends' burying-ground, at Lis-
burn, the 6th of Twelfth Month, 1805, aged fifty
years and eight months,

From S. G-rubb to John Conran, on occasion

OF THE DEATH OF HIS WIFE.

Anner Mills, Twelfth Month 11th, 1805.
My Dear Cousin,
I am obliged and consoled by thy letter of the
7th inst. It is a great favour to feel an anchor to
the soul under such circumstances as thine, and it
seems a beatitude of the Divine Being to sustain
when he sees meet to deprive us of our dearest ties.
I have found him near to me at such junctures,
and have traced it in many instances, but like other
beams of sunshine, it withdraws after a season, and
then we feel our stripped state, which would be
insupportable, but for the recollection that the ever-
lasting Arm had been underneath. Thou wilt, my
dear cousin, have frequent necessity to take this
retrospect, and to supplicate for a continuance of
sustaining help ; for theendearingness of her whom
thou hast been deprived of will often break in upon
thy solitary mind ; thou wilt miss her as Lady
Rachel Russell said of her husband, " sleeping,
waking, walking, at meals/' and in divers other

JOHN CONRAN. 115

ways : so that all will seem insipid without her. I
had no doubt she would die the death of the righ-
teous, and that her latter end would be like theirs.
I believe she was a nursing mother to many. I
wish thy desire for us, who must follow, may be
brought into effect ; I have many and well grounded
fears for myself, it often seems as if nothing but a
miraculous interference could rescue me from the
accuser of the brethren. I trust thou feels peace-
ful in the winding up of thy service in this province ;
it must have consoled thy dear wife that thou yielded
obedience to that requiring ; I thought thou seemed
preserved in a humble state of mind, may it be the
covering of thy spirit to the end of time !

I am thy sincere friend,

S. GrKUBB.

Tenth Month 8th, 1807.— I left home for the
Quarterly Meeting at Waterford.

11th. — First-day morning meeting was a very
low season to me ; the state of the Jewish church,
in the time of Nicodemus, was opened before me,
who, though a master in Israel, and a ruler among
the Jews, appeared to know nothing of the spiritual
doctrine of regeneration, though perhaps well in-
structed in the questions and traditions of his
church ; this may be the state of too many amongst
us, who have heard by the ear, and their fathers

116 THE LIFE OF

have declared to them the truths of the Gospel, yet
if they do not experience the new birth in them-
selves, and hear and obey the voice of Christ, they
are standing on the same foundation this ruler was,
and cannot clearly comprehend the meaning and
intent of this doctrine no more than he could.

The Quarterly Meeting was held the 17th, 18th,
and 19th, they were seasons of trial to me, being
under a burden which I was unable to lay down.

20th. — Meeting for worship at parting : I felt a
clesire to stay over the week-day meeting, and
afterwards to go to Clonmel to be at their meet-
ings on First-day.

25th. — At Clonmel, the evening meeting was to
me a cloudy and low time, but a little opening
appearing, I was enabled to show that the form
did not entitle us to be children of the promise,
though we may call Abraham our father ; I had also
to call to the worldly-minded, &c, and was favoured
with liberty in this meeting to my comfort. This
day I felt a pointing in my mind to stay over the
Monthly Meeting here next Fifth-day ; these inti-
mations can only be compared to holding forth a
finger to a distant object, yet I am afraid but to
acknowledge them, and when fulfilled they afford

peace.

29th. — Monthly Meeting, a low time to me ; I sat
in silence in the first meeting, and had one observa-

JOHN CONRAN. 117

tion to make, on a case before the meeting, whether
Friends should receive a written acknowledgment
from a person who had taken an oath, which he
condemned as inconsistent with our discipline, and
against the spirit of the Grospel — a Friend thought
it was not full enough : I remarked, that when
the prodigal remembered his father's house, his
father went forth to meet him and brought him
in ; I felt tenderness to cover my mind, and was
fearful the band which united him to the Society
would snap if strained much tighter.

On reaching home on the 9th of Eleventh
Month, I felt peace and satisfaction from this
journey. When I was in Waterford, I felt at
times as if I should be obliged to enter on a family
visit there, which very much humbled me in view-
ing the weight of the service and feeling my own
weakness, but through Divine favour it passed
away and I was easy.

From George Stacey to John Conran.

London, Twelfth Month, ISth, 1807.

Dear Friend,

The tender sympathy thou hast expressed in the

situation of our dear child demands that I should

not be long in acknowledging the receipt of thy

letter, and this I can do the more gratefully as we

118 THE LIFE OF

are favoured with some appearance of convalescence.
For this prospect, and many other comforts and
enjoyments, we are strongly called upon to manifest
gratitude ; and I sometimes wish there was greater
prevalence of this quality felt and displayed — a
quality, which, when we consider our relative and
dependent situation, and the goodness of the all-
bounteous Source, ought to fill the mind ; but re-
flections like these are too often supplanted by the
proprietorship we assume in those very enjoyments
which the great Giver furnishes us with, and com-
placency in the gifts benumbs our perception of
what is due to Him that gave them.

We feel much with thee in thy bereft and soli-
tary situation, considering also that its poignancy
is not likely to be abated by the aids, which some
of us more favourably circumstanced derive, from
the intercourse of feeling minds ; yet He whom
thou lovest is omnipresent, and doubtless will ap-
portion of His consolations as He gives to partake
of trials, in such time and manner as shall ulti-
mately tend to the soul's revivement and happi-
ness : in holding this belief how much has the
traveller Zionward the advantage even in this life,
over him, whose hope perishes with time !

We had heard, through the pen of James Abell
to one of our neighbours, of thy having paid an
acceptable visit to some of the southern meetings,

JOHN CON KAN. 119

and we are glad to find from thyself that the re-
sult is peaceful. From thy silence respecting the
state of things in your province, I fear much of a
consolatory kind cannot be said. Have any of
those that withdrew found their way back, or is
any disposition manifested to come more into the
unity? If they could retrace their steps, and sub-
mit to be broken to pieces, they would perhaps be
bound up again so as to be brighter than ever ; but
this work of humiliation is hard to flesh and blood!
We had rather find an apology for our mis-steps
in the supposed conduct of others, than come under
that baptism which brings the sword upon all se-
cret corruptions and disloyalty.

My wife joins in endeared love with thy affec-
tionate friend,

George Stacey.

From John Conran to D. C.

Dear Friend,

Thou hast been frequently the subject of my
secret and serious meditations some years past, at a
time also when a larger share of intimacy subsisted
between us than has done of late : I beheld thee
as a servant who had been honoured and dignified
with a precious gift, or designed for usefulness and
service in the church, I mean as a nursing mother
in our Israel. His blessed eye, that is looking over

120 THE LIFE OF

all His works, saw in that day the state of His
church in this quarter, to use the metaphor recorded
in Scripture on a similar occasion, " there was
neither sword nor spear among forty thousand in
Israel ! " The Lord's ways are not as our ways,
He employs secondary causes to bring about His
gracious purposes, and which bear the resemblance
of the usual means in human affairs. How often has
He made use of His holy ordinance of marriage, to
translate a living instrument from one quarter of
the vinyard to another, even from one nation to
another ; and often this translation has been a
means of raising them up, and qualifying them for
usefulness and service in their new destination, in
the wise ordering of Him who sleepeth not by day,
nor slumbereth by night. And although the mul-
titude, who are thus mercifully cared for, perceive
not this His fatherly regard ; yet He is thus, season
after season, watching over His flock, and delegat-
ing the shepherds, giving them a charge, as He did
to Peter formerly, to feed his sheep and his lambs,
if he loved Him ; happy indeed is that servant
whom his Master, when He cometh to take an ac-
count of His servants, shall find so doing !

Now, my dear friend, I believe thy marriage was
of this nature ; natural affection was the outward
means to bring thee here, but I believe the Lord's
hand was underneath, to make use of thee, and

JOHN CONBAN. 121

those talents He has entrusted thee with, for the
service of His family in this quarter. If we may
judge of great things by small, we may see with
His truly dedicated and devoted servants, that
almost every thought of their hearts is to be found
doing their heavenly Father's will, so I am per-
suaded the holy Head and High Priest of the
church is going to and fro, up and down, looking
after the wants and necessities of His family, and
affording them assistance one way or other. I have
been jealous over thee, I trust with a degree of
godly jealousy, [querying] how thou hast made use
of thy Lord's money. The unfaithful steward,
when under a sense of great poverty — to dig he
would not, and to beg he was ashamed — wisely
WTent among his Lord's debtors, asking how much
they owed to their Lord ; mayest thou, my dear
friend, in much [sincerity] put the impartial query
to thyself, how much dost thou owe ? Talents are
not given to any of us to lay up or bury, but to
make use of to the praise of the Great Giver ; thy
candle has been lighted and placed on a candle-
stick, what for ? — that it might enlighten the house,
and show forth His praise. If it has done so it is
well — it is not for me to judge ; my concern at
present is to awaken an inquiry, and put thee in mind
that the hour is coming on thee and me, and per-
haps is nearer than we may expect, when we must

122 THE LIFE OF

go forth and meet the Bridegroom ; and happy
will it be for those who shall be found ready to
enter in with Him, and receive the blessed sentence
of, " Well done, thou hast been faithful over the
little, thou shalt be made joyful in the house of
thy God!' '

Farewell, with near and brotherly affection I
salute thee,

John Conran.

JOHN CONRAN. 123

CHAPTER V.

ATTENDS SUNDRY MEETINGS, FROM 1808 TO 1812

VISITS THE FAMILIES IN WATERFORD, CLONMEL,
AND CORK — VARIOUS EXERCISES AND SERVICES
AROUND HOME.

Fourth Month 23^, 1808.— I attended the
Yearly Meeting in Dublin : some of the Meetings
I think were overshadowed with solemnity, which
very much kept down the wisdom of man; a
large committee of men and women were appointed,
to consider the state of the Society as represented
by the answers to the queries, they had sundry
sittings, which were in general to satisfaction, and
the state of things was pretty fully opened.

Fourth Month, 1809.— I attended the Yearly
Meeting at Dublin as usual: the national com-
mittee produced some parts of the minutes of the
National Meeting of Ireland, which they had been
engaged in, to assimilate some of them to the
English minutes, and to revise, and if needful, to
abridge; that part which was finished was read
and approved, and desired to be used in the place
of all others.

I attended this year all the Quarterly Meetings

124 THE LIFE 0 E

in this province, and all our own Monthly Meetings,
and visited the families of Friends of Moyallen
meeting, in company with Thomas Shillitoe, and
William Neale of Mountrath meeting.

Fourth Month, 1810.— At the Yearly Meeting
in Dublin, the remaining minutes were read and
approved, and the whole ordered to be printed and
distributed to the several Monthly Meetings. A com-
mittee of men and women Friends were appointed
to consider the state of the several Quarterly Meet-
ings, which was taken up in a solid manner ; the
manyoutrunnings in marriage, especially among the
females, brought a lively concern over the committee
to endeavour to find a remedy against this evil, and
as it is most prevalent in the province of Ulster,
where the largest share of Friends are in low cir-
cumstances, it was proposed and agreed to raise a
fund through the nation, to be placed at the dis-
posal of a suitable committee of that province, to
encourage good conduct in the youth of both sexes,
by assisting such with a sum of money as their funds
will afford, on their entering into the engagements
of life, either in marriage or suitable business, as
the committee may think proper ; this was agreed
to, and an order sent to the different Quarterly
Meetings to put forward such a subscription. I
think we had cause to believe that some of our
sittings were Divinely owned ; also this committee,

JOHN CONRAN. 125

in their care and concern for the body, and the
preservation of the discipline.

Sixth Month. — I attended the Quarterly Meet-
ing held at Richhill, and was very unwell with a
cold which deprived me of my voice, so that I con-
cluded that I could not speak intelligibly ; but in the
afternoon meeting I felt the word of life strong in
me to advocate several of our testimonies which the
worldly spirit calls singularities, but was enabled to
prove that they are consistent both with Scripture
and reason. The testimony [of Truth] was set
over these objectors, and the meeting concluded,
I believe, to the satisfaction of Friends, and to
my own admiration that I was so supported over
my indisposition and hoarseness.

Seventh Month 12th. — I laid before the Monthly
Meeting a concern which had attended my mind,
to pay a visit to the families of Friends of Water-
ford Meeting, which had arisen when I was in that
city near three years before, and had exercised my
mind at sundry times since. Friends took it un-
der consideration, and left me at liberty to pursue
that and such other service as Truth might open
for and require.

Eighth Month 27th.— Monthly Meeting at Water-
ford : I presented my certificate and laid my con-
cern before Friends, who appointed a Friend to ac-
company me. In this meeting I had to remind them

126 THE LIFE OF

of that declaration, that we have all sinned and
fallen short, but how far, or the extent, we ought
[each to seek] to know for ourselves. Our great ad-
versary endeavours to palliate, and is very expert
in using arguments to set us at ease in [our sins],
but if we bring them to the discovering light of
Christ in our minds, we shall see them as they are
in the sight of God, where no palliations or excuses
will cover them from His righteous judgments,
which will be revealed against every thing that is
not of His own begetting ; therefore, I exhorted
Friends to bring their deeds to this light that they
may pass under the flaming sword, for nothing
that is unclean, or done in the will of the creature,
will be permitted to enter that kingdom which is
purity, peace, and joy, in the Holy Spirit.

Ninth Month 27th. — I came to Clonmel, and
entered on the visit there to Friends' families,
and in concluding it was favoured with peace
after many deep baptisms.

Tenth Month 20th.— The Quarterly Meeting at
Waterford was attended by Henry Hull from New
York Government in America, Martha Brewster
from Bury, in England, and sundry other Friends.
In the concluding sitting of the Select Meeting I
laid before Friends a concern that had attended my
mind for some time past, to visit the families of
Cork Meeting, which, after deliberate consider-

JOHN CONRAN. 127

ation, was united with, and I set out on the 27th
for Clonmel, in company with Henry Hull.

28th. — Henry Hull was largely and instructively
engaged in the morning and afternoon meetings at
Clonmel.

30th. — A large public meeting, at which was sup-
posed to be about 700 persons ; our testimonies were
explained in a satisfactory manner by Henry Hull,
on whom the whole of the public service fell.

Eleventh Month 8th. — Monthly Meeting at Cork,
I laid before Friends my prospect of visiting the
families of that meeting, with which the meeting
concurred, and Henry Hull offered to accompany
me to some of the families.

[John Conran was enabled to perform this ser-
vice, and after attending Limerick and Mountmel-
lick meetings, also the Quarterly Meeting held at
Carlow, from the 29th of the Twelfth Month to the
1st of First Month 1811, inclusive, returned home,
on which occasion he remarks] : I do not find that
I have much to say, only that I endeavoured to be
faithful to that which had the appearance of duty,
often labouring in little and low places, at which
times duty and faith were closely tried ; and after
having done the little, the only reward was not to
feel condemnation, and therewith to be content.
On leaving Cork I felt my mind ofttimes broken into
tenderness, and in much love to Friends of that

128 THE LIFE OF

meeting, which continued with me pretty much to
Limerick, and was the same love that drew me to
engage in that service.

Fourth Month 25th, 1811.— I left home to attend
the Yearly Meeting in Dublin. In this meeting
we had the company of Henry Hull from North
America. I had a suffering time, mostly in silence,
especially in the meetings for discipline, which to
me were heavy. I returned home after the Meeting.

In the Eleventh Month, I accompanied Ann
Burgess from Leicester round the Lough. We held
public meetings in the following places to good satis-
faction, viz.: Newtown, Donaghadee, Belfast, An-
trim, Grange, Ballinacree, Colerain, and Moyallen.

Twelfth Month 1st — The Quarterly Meeting in
Lurgan, which was large and attended by S. Gr. and
Ann Burgess, both of whom I thought were much
favoured, being well qualified to open the principles
to those who are without. The meeting for discipline
was conducted in harmony, and the select meeting
again re-instated, which had been laid aside for
about twelve years.

John Conran to Ann Burgess.

Twelfth Month 14th, 1811.
Dear Friend,
I received thy kind and sympathizing letter, which
was truly acceptable to me. Thy jproposed plan of

JOHN C 0 N K A jr. 129

my removing into Lisburn, and getting shelter in
some Friend's family, I have often considered here-
tofore ; but in viewing in my mind the several
situations there among Friends, I could not see any
one in that Light which is profitable to direct,
therefore, for the present have abandoned that
design. If I took a lodging there, dieting by my-
self would be uncomfortable ; and a house", which
I once inclined to, might prove too burdensome.
So that, my dear and much respected friend, I do
not see a better way at present than to wait the
Lord's time, apprehending the trials and provings
I now pass through are by His permission', for
further purification and refinement.

When I went abroad with thee it was in the
cross, having a great dislike to that desolated part
of our province. Since we separated I have remem-
bered with secret satisfaction our movements, and
that inward union and fellowship which flows from
our holy Head to the living members of his body ;
this the world knows not of, their friendships are of
this world ; " but/' says our holy High Priest, "ye
are not of this world, I have called you out of this
world," its pursuits and vanities ! Blessed call in-
deed, oh ! that all who heard it were obedient to it ;
their peace would flow as a river, and their hearts
and hands would be lifted up with thanksgivings
a&d praises on the banks of deliverance.
9

ISO THE LIFE OF

Thou art serving a good Master, and I believe
with faithful dedication, be thou faithful unto death
as well as unto life, that thou niayst inherit the
crown of life. The apostle says he was in deaths
oft. a state of deep humiliation necessary for the
Lord's favoured servants to experience: this is the
preparation of the heart which is not of man. it is
of the Lord, because here we can cast down every
crown and high imagination of ourselves : and the
baptism sometimes is so deep that we scarcely dare
look' up to Heaven only to say, u Have mercy on
me, lam a sinner."' Although we are buried with
Him. yet when thus tried, remember, my dear
friend, for thy consolation, the precious life which at
times we do much rejoice in is safe, being hid with
Him in God. the sure hiding place and refuge of the
just and righteous of all ages. Though I write
these things to thee, they are I believe thy own
already ; yet in these baptisms our faith is :
to a hair's breadth, bat :o: of the mouths of two
or three witnesses the word is established.

J. C.

John Conkax to James Abell. (uhdbb deep

TRIALS.

Dublin, Fijih Month 1st, 1812,
Dear Friend,

I received toy very
mutual friend, John Leckey. in a time

JOHN CON RAN. 131

when my mind was dipped into sympathy with the
Seed, which I feared would be felt in a suffering
state in various sittings of the approaching solem-
nity. On the approach of these solemn seasons
my lot is a suffering one, and though painful to the
natural part in us, we ought not to repine in being
companions with our dear Lord and Master, and
accounted worthy to suffer with Him ; that when
our measure is filled up in His militant church, we
may be favoured to have a mansion of His prepar-
ing in His triumphant church, in His holy presence,
and in the company of His saints and angels, where
the wicked cease from troubling, and all sorrows are
wiped away. This state, which is attainable, and is
set before us that we may endeavour to attain it, is
worth patiently submitting to the light afflictions of
this present season for. Though we are at seasons
crowned with the heavenly gift, yet, if the wicked
are permitted to make it a crown of thorns, and we
have to feel the sharpness of them as well as the
shame, the disciple is not above or better than his
Master ; He also was crowned in both capacities,
but the submissive language of His spirit was, (let
us remember it,) "Not my will but thy will, 0
Father, be done." His holy will concerning the
members of His church is sanctification, and if His
unerring wisdom choses the furnace for that end,
He can bring us forth as He did the three children

132 THE LIFE OF

formerly, in safety, their garments undestroyed, and
their bodies without the smell of fire upon them, for
the angel of His Divine presence was with them,
and is still with His afflicted little ones, who are
preferring Him to their chiefest joy in this world.
I remember the saying of a dear friend, Thomas
Scattergood, under a holy influence, to me when
under deep suffering, " Satan hath desired to have
thee to sift thee as wheat, but I have prayed for
thee that thy faith fail not ;" and his holy prayer
proved availing, even to this very day, enabling to
speak well of the Lord's name, because His mercy
endureth, and will endure from one generation to
another. I nearly sympathize with thee, my dear
friend, in thy present suffering state, but not as
Job's friends, in a similar trying dispensation, with
presumption ; no my dear friend, but under a full
persuasion that thy trials are in unutterable wisdom,
to purify and to bring thee to a more full acknow-
ledgment of the depths of His counsel — that thou
hadst known Him like Job, in an unspotted life and
conversation, and brought praise to His Truth. Yet
here is not to be our rest, but to obtain a further
knowledge of Him, in which every other considera-
tion may be abased, and we bow ourselves before
Him in dust and ashes, that He alone may be con-
fessed, and His name (power) be exalted in us and
over all, blessed for ever ! I salute thee, my dear

JOHN CONE AN. 133

friend, in the fresh feeling of that love which I be-
lieve flows at'this time from the Fountain that will
never be drawn dry, though flowing from generation
to generation, at which the Lord's flock have at all
times been made to drink, and of which the flocks
of the stranger cannot partake. And may He who
dwelt in the bush and it was not consumed, dwell
in thee, and thou in Him, so that the arrows of the
archers may be blunted and turned aside, and the
Lord may have the acknowledgment of praise, is
the sincere desire of thy affectionate brother,

John Conran.

To John Conran.
Esteemed Friend,
May the protecting Arm of Divine Power shield
thee through the yet remaining conflicts, that thou
may know a safe landing in the haven of an eternal
rest ! Thy love has been great to the Beloved of
souls, manifested by thy attachment to His cause
on the earth, which thou hast espoused and adhered
unto in a day of shaking, when many were blown
away, and have mingled with the chaff that floats in
the air ! What a favour in the part of the county
thou lives in ! Oh ! that thou mayst know the An-
cient of days to be with thee now when old age is
making its ravages, that thou mayst be the encour-
ager of the younger branches of the family whom

134 THE LIFE OF

the Head of the church may bring forth into use-
fulness. My spirit was united to some of those,
for whose establishment in the Truth I have de-
sired, that the walls of our Zion, which have been
marred, may be completely restored and built up,
that there may be rendered unto the Lord of
Hosts the glory that is due. Then will He re-
store unto Israel judges as at the first, and coun-
sellors as in the beginning ! In the fellowship of
the Gospel I conclude remaining thy friend,

Henry Hull

Fifth Month, 1812.— I attended the Yearly
Meeting in Dublin, which was large, and at times
favoured with a living spring of Gospel ministry,
to the edifying and comfort of the living part of
the family. The meetings of business were also
favoured with the calming influence of Divine
Power, so as to cause the waves to be still, which
were at times distressing, occasioned by three
appeals from the province of Munster, which has
been cause of exercise to some there for several
years past, and occasioned a breach of love among
them. The state of that province coming weightily
before the meeting at this time, a visit to it was
appointed, and my name was set down for that
service with five others, to meet at Limerick Quar-
terly Meeting in the Seventh Month, and to pro-
ceed further as Truth may open the way.

JOHN CON KAN. 135

In the Seventh Month, I left home to attend the
Quarterly Meeting at Limerick, the several sittings
of which proved to me seasons of deep suffering,
and I found no relief in them till the last sitting,
which was closed, when I requested a pause might
be made, after which I laid down my burthen, and
[expressed] the exercise I had passed through,
which was deep suffering ; the occasion of it I dare
not conjecture, fearing to be found in the seat of
judgment, but referred the judgment to each, to
examine themselves, how far they had contributed
to this distress which was now felt to cover the
minds of the living amongst us. The meeting
closed in a painful manner to me, feeling little or
no relief. Next day in the meeting for worship, I
had an open time to the youth, of whom there was
a large number present, and the meeting ended
comfortably. I then went to Mountmellick, and
remained there nearly two wreeks, attending the
meetings in course, which felt to me to be low and
exercising seasons, very little ability afforded to
minister till the day I left it, when I was concerned
in the week-day meeting, to express my sense of
sundry states — some, in whom the precious seed
of God's kingdom was covered with the clods of
the earth, which prevented its growth — in others,
the briars and thorns choked it — whilst some were
soaring aloft, above the simplicity of Truth, and

186 THE LIFE OF

entering into airy speculations concerning those
things which can only be known by the revelation
of the Father ; it was by this revelation that
Abraham saw Christ's day, and was glad, and the
prophets saw it and foretold it; some were called
to come down from the above state of self exalta-
tion, by Him who is willing to enter in, and abide
with them, if they will but obey His call. I left
this place not altogether relieved from the burthen
I had to bear, being sensible how hard it is for the
voice of the servant to be effectually heard by those
who have not submitted themselves to the voice
which has spoken, and is speaking from heaven.

24th of Eighth Month, I set out for Dublin, and
after attending three meetings there, and our Quar-
terly Meeting near Charlemont, returned home.
Since that time I have had very low poor times in
and out of meetings, and sometimes under the ne-
cessity of ministering in some of them in little and
low places ; but I believe these dispensations are
in that wisdom which is profitable to direct, that
we may experience the few barley loaves to be
sufficient.

Twelfth Month — The Quarterly Meeting at Lur-
gan, was, I thought, at times favoured, and in seme
of the sittings my mind was comforted in feeling
that Divine goodness was near to us, and acknow-
ledged our assembly with a holy solemnity, in which

JOHN CON RAN. 137

ability was afforded (I hope) to minister to several
states present : the meeting concluded to satisfac-
tion and the comfort of the living.

1813. — I have been greatly tried for these twelve-
months, with a stripped state, and with various
temptations, the subtle adversary being permitted
to assault me in various shapes, and repeatedly to
roar against me, and terrify me with inward and
fearful impressions on my mind. But these trials
turned to a good account for me, by drawing me to
seek for help from Him on whom help is laid, and
through gracious condescension, in the needful
time, His Divine presence was manifested in my
soul, His holy light dispelled the darkness and ad-
ministered strength ; so that in the frequent suc-
cessions of these trials, strength was added to
strength, holy confidence succeeded weakness, and
I was hereby made measurably strong in the Lord,
and by the power of His might enabled to rest in
hope, that He who had been with me in many tribu-
lations would never forsake me in my latter days ;
yet my faith was often closely tried. I attended
the Yearly Meeting in Dublin this year, and had
but little to offer in it, especially in the meetings
for discipline, which to me were cloudy ; I fear that
the knowledge of the letter too much prevailed,
which I believe casts a shadow over the brightness
which otherwise would be seen, and in which alone

138 ,THE LIFE OF

the discipline can be suitably and comfortably con-
ducted.

I have at times felt my mind drawn to attend the
meeting at Lisburn, to which I formerly belonged
— in it my spirit has been baptized into a painful
and trying state of poverty, and in the cross I have
had to minister in this dry and barren state without
feeling relieved. Oh ! the love of the world, how
overwhelming it is, and chokes the precious seed
that the good Husbandman has sown in His field !
Some now, as formerly, cannot bear sound doctrine,
but would rather say to the servants, prophesy to
us smooth things, prophesy deceits : but such phy-
sicians are of no value who would cry, Peace, peace,
when there is no peace but what the world gives.

Twelfth Month 1st — Many are and have been
the trials and tribulations I have had to pass
through, both in my public and private capacity.
My afflictions are great, and I seem often left com-
fortless, and at seasons ready to conclude that I
would no more speak in the name of the Lord, and
have ofttimes gone to meeting with that resolution ;
but when the word of life has sprung up in my
heart, I could not refrain, and words would almost
burst from my lips ; and though no condemnation
would follow, yet constant poverty of spirit would
be my covering, and mortifying recollections of my
past life would impress my mind, and sink me into

JOHN CONRAN. 139

great abasedness of soul, therein acknowledging my
unworthiness and unfitness to take the great and
holy name of my God in my lips ; but to this state
I submit, and bear it patiently, a3 I am made sen-
sible it is truly my desert.

The Quarterly Meeting is now near, and it
brings a considerable share of weight over my
mind, as I do not know of any other minister likely
to be present, and deep poverty is my attendant ;
but to the great Head of the church I commit His
family hereaway, and hope He will have compas-
sion on them, and send them home satisfied that
it was good that they were there.

The Quarterly Meeting is now ended, and it was
well attended for the time of the year ; the meetings
for worship were I think favoured, and I got
through the service which presented to my peace and
satisfaction. The first sitting of the meeting for dis-
cipline felt to me in danger of being disturbed, I
thought Satan was present with us, and once or
oftener showed his head ; but the Lord was pleased
to own us, and he was kept down, and a close ex-
ercise and watch prevailing, the business was con-,
eluded to satisfaction. The answer to the query
' how meetings are kept up' brought an exercise over
Friends, that a Committee was appointed (of which
I was one) to attend all the Monthly Meetings, and
assist them in making appointments to visit the
deficient, and to stir them up to more diligence.

140 THE LIFE OF

Third Month 7th, 1814.— The Quarterly Meet-
ing at Lisburn : the meetings for discipline were
low. Friends too generally are not sufficiently
watchful over their own spirits, to keep them in
obedience to Christ, in whom are all our fresh
springs for service in the church. I have been for
a long time kept very low in my mind, and in that
state found myself drawn to minister, which has
been in the cross, but I dared not neglect or re-
fuse the opening. We are to offer the small cattle,
as well as the large, when they are demanded of
us — the former have been accepted at my hands.

I have been drawn to visit sundry week-day
meetings in the province, and the fewness of the
attendants brought discouragement over the pros-
pect; but giving up to the small appearances in
my mind, the service was often owned beyond my
expectation, and I returned in peace. I generally
am most easy not to make any unnecessary delay
after a meeting is over, but return and eat my
morsel in secret, and receive from my Master
what He is pleased to grant, which is ofttimes an im-
pressive sense of my own unworthiness, and under
that impression I can render the praise to whom
it is due.

Fourth Month. — I am now passing through bap-
tisms preparatory to the Yearly Meeting in Dublin,
which are deeply afflicting and hard to be borne.
Excuses of age (nearly 75 years), and infirmities

JOHN CONRAN. 141

are not felt to be sufficient for my absenting my-
self from it, neither a daily prevailing sense* of un-
worthiness and unfitness to appear with the more
enlightened children of the Lord ; nothing affords
peace but submission to the requirings of a Master
who knows me, and what I can be made to endure.
My exercise is so great that death seems to be pre-
ferable, and the day of my birth lamented that a
man child was born into the world — woe is me !
for many reasons ! But the Lord knows my afflic-
tions, and in His unutterable wisdom permits me
to be thus tried, and by those who should not do
it, wThich makes it harder to be borne.

Fifth Month. — I attended the Yearly Meeting
in Dublin, which cost me a close exercise for some
weeks, feeling considerable bodily as well as spi-
ritual weakness ; but I was enabled to give up and
to trust for the renewal of strength both ways to
Divine Mercy. I had some service in the meeting
for discipline, and in a large evening meeting on
First-day, to my satisfaction.

As I travelled home, my mind was much in-
wardly drawn, and in silence, a stream of Gospel
ministry at times ran through me in secret, as if I
were preaching to a large auditory, and the doc-
trine so apposite that it melted my heart into hum-
ble contrition and admiration, and I felt my
strength renewed under the remembrance of this

142 THE LIFE OF

saying, " He that believeth on me, out of his belly
shall flow rivers of living water." I came home in
peace, and glad that I had been there.

Ninth Month 6th. — Our Quarterly Meeting
near Charlemont, the meetings on First-day were
held in silence, and numerously attended, the meet-
ing for discipline was favoured, and the next day
I had an open testimony, to the members of our
own Society as well as others, recommending them
to the Divine Light in themselves as the door of
the true sheep-fold of which Christ is the Shep-
herd ; that unless they came in by that door, pro-
fessing with us or any others was in vain.

11th. — First-day, at Megabry, a time of deep
wading in silence, which was at length broken with
these expressions, "Ye believe in God, believe also
in me," — "the devils believe and tremble." If we
do not believe in Christ our faith stands upon the
same grounds with theirs, and we lose the benefit
of His second coming without sin unto salvation ;
and if we despise Him in his little and low appear-
ance in our hearts, the Jews did so in his bodily
appearance and were rejected of Him ; and small
as His appearance may be to the carnally wise
and prudent of this generation, it was He whom the
angels of God were commanded to worship.

Eleventh Month 2d. — I have been now for some
time reduced to a low state of mind, but pretty

JOHN CONKAN. 143

much resigned under it ; my exercise in meetings is
trying, feeling very little of that living virtue that
encourages to act in the services of the church ; yet
in this very low situation, I feel a necessity at times
to offer the little that appears, which is attended with
peace, but is again succeeded immediately by deep
poverty, which is an exercising trial of faith and
patience. I dare not desire a change of raiment,
for in these tattered garments my nakedness is
plainly seen, to the deep humbling of my poor
mind : let all that is of the natural man be brought
low, so that God be glorified through my abase-
ment !

13th. — The Preparative Meeting at Megabry, in
which my faith was closely tried, feeling a subject
on my mind for a long time, but attended with so
little ability to deliver it that I struggled much and
long to pass it by ; but near the conclusion I felt
strength to stand up, and was [enabled] to get
through to my peace ; my usual dryness succeeded,
and sunk my spirit into mourning, but I was merci-
fully supported by the arising of these words in my
mind, " Seek not to thyself great things, and thy
life shall be given thee for a prey whithersoever
thougoest," which comforted me, as I have hitherto
felt life to follow those weak appearances.

20th. — First-day, at Megabry ; a state of infi-
delity was the burden of my spirit^ arising out of

144 THE LIFE OF

those writings which are so plentifully scattered
abroad in these days, leading the unwary astray, to
follow after lying vanities and the deceivings of their
own foolish hearts, thinking to comprehend the
things of God by their own wisdom. I have felt this
day much depressed in mind, from not giving up to
attend the Monthly Meeting at Moyallen, yester-
day; the pointing thereto was so small, and my
poverty so prevalent, that I passed it by, but I hope
to be more attentive in future. The ways of God
are at times unsearchable, and past our finding out.
The Quarterly Meeting will be in about two weeks,
which I expect will bring me into some preparatory
baptisms, as is usually my lot before these large
gatherings ; may the Lord strengthen my weak-
ness, which is very great and has been for some
time past, if it be His holy will !

Twelfth Month, 6th. — Our Quarterly Meeting at
Lurgan : in the concluding; meeting I was enlarged
in an open and clear testimony in defence of the
Scriptures, and the Divinity of our blessed Lord,
against a spirit of antichrist which seemed to pos-
sess some present ; and I concluded the meeting in
supplicating the Lord that He would be pleased
afresh to anoint the eyes of those who said they
saw, but were blind, and to open their eyes that
they might see the New Jerusalem, and the beauty
of true holiness, so as to be able to worship God

JOHN CON KAN. 145

aright through the Spirit of his beloved Son, who
is God over all, blessed for ever and for evermore.
The meeting concluded under a solemn covering,
and I returned home in peace.

My movements in the ministry for some years
back have been after long waiting, the appearance
of life very small, and my faith closely tried, but a
necessity has attended which I have been afraid to
neglect ; they have often been unexpectedly en-
larged in Gospel love, and afforded peace ; but very
shortly the whole recollection of the precious unc-
tion has been clearly taken from me, and I have been
reduced to my usual state of poverty — the gate [like
Mordecai] has been my safe-guard, for there no-
thing can dress or perfume with the odours and
ointments that had been poured forth when the
Bridegroom had entered into His chamber. Blessed
are the dead who thus die, yea, saith the Spirit,
they shall rest from their labours, and their works
shall follow them ! Blessed poverty indeed, for
in it the creaturely part has no share !

First Month 12^,1815.— The Monthly Meeting
near Ballinderry ; the fore part of the meeting was
a low time, my mind was much tried with a wander-
ing spirit which I endeavoured to subject, and after
some time experienced quiet ; when that passage
opened on my mind recommending the offering our
bodies a living sacrifice, and I was gradually en-
10

146 THE LIFE OF

larged, and led to compare the state I had been bap-
tized into during the early part of the meeting to
the waves of the sea, succeeding one another — that
this was the work of the enemy to render our sacri-
fice unacceptable to God — but let us suffer the
waves to pass over our heads, and not to carry us
away into the world, and thereby [deprive] us of the
opportunity of renewing bur strength in Christ,
who through His instruments appointed those sea-
sons to His church and family for that gracious end
and purpose. It was a time of refreshment and
renewal of strength, for I went to meeting under
deep exercise, not expecting or desiring to be so
engaged, and under the feeling of life I was drawn
forth in supplication at the close. The covering of
the first meeting was carried into the meeting for
discipline, which was conducted and concluded in
a truly solemn manner ; the praise is due to that
all-wise and holy Being in whom " is life, and the
life is the light of men/' and who has not forgotten
to be gracious to a backsliding people !

In sitting in meetings for discipline, I look for as
clear an evidence to speak as in meetings for wor-
ship, therefore my words are few, but I hope they
are in degree seasoned with salt — " let your speech
be alway with grace seasoned with salt," which is
the life — in this path the wayfaring man cannot
err, and peace is found in his dwelling ; it is a

OOHN CONEAN. 147

means of keeping down those forward spirits which
are ready to run when not sent, whose state is that
of flatness and death instead of peace and consola-
tion, and to whom the language applies, "Who
hath required this at your hands ?"

22c?. — First-day meeting at Megabry: Cast
down, but I hope not forsaken. I have had deep
trials of late that caused me to cry by night and by
day, Lord help thy servant who cannot help himself !
but my cry returned back into my own bosom, as
if the ears of the Lord God of Sabaoth were not
open to my cry. My sore ran in the night season,
and I was not comforted. How long, Lord, wilt
thou not hear my prayer and my supplication ! I
feel dried up as a potsherd, but I still hold fast my
confidence. Make haste, Lord, to help me, before
I go hence and be seen of man no more, for there
is neither wisdom nor knowledge in the grave !

'Second Month 9th. — I attended the Preparative
Meeting of Lisburn, and was concerned therein to
exhort parents and heads of families to train up
their children, both by precept and example, in the
nurture and admonition of the Lord, which would
be as a twofold cord that might be a means of draw-
ing them to the living principle of light and grace
in their tender tninds, and make therewith a three-
fold cord that could not be easily broken. Also
recommending, the children to obey their parents

148 THE LIFE OF

in the Lord, for this is right ; concluding with the
state of Eli and his family, who did not restrain
his sons, though he had counselled them against
the evil of their ways.

Sixth 31ontli 6th. — Our Quarterly Meeting at
Moyallen, I had a pretty open time in both meet-
ings on the First-day ; the meeting for discipline
was to me a remarkably clouded time, I was bap-
tized in the cloud inlo death. As I lay in bed that
night or early next morning, the spring of Gospel
ministry opened and flowed in my heart abun-
dantly, in such a variety of doctrine as filled me
with surprise, which gradually arose from a small
beginning to a stream that I could swim in. I lay
silent in spirit, and attended to the flowing of it to
my admiration ; towards morning it closed, and I
arose in my usual poverty and went to meeting in
a low and stripped state, but had not sat long be-
fore some little matter gradually arose before me,
and as I attended on the opening it increased to
the time I should stand up with a metaphor of
Christ's school, in which He is the teacher : fresh
matter gradually opening in my view I was en-
larged in a clear testimony which afforded peace
and comfort to my mind, the praise of which is
only to be given to Him to whom alone it is due.
the great and holy Head of His church, who is
blessed for ever and ever !

JOHN CONRAN. 149

CHAPTER VI.

1815. CONTINUATION OF THE JOURNAL OF HIS
RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE AND SERVICES.

Ninth Month 10th. — I have not felt inclined of
late to record any of the occurrences which at-
tended me in my spiritual progress which were
various — some painful trials and probations, and
many temptations, over which I was favoured to
get with thanksgiving and praise where only it was
due* I attended, as usual, all the meetings at home,
and sometimes the neighbouring ones, some by ap-
pointment and others on my own concern, which
were in general to my satisfaction. These services
were at times attended with baptisms that brought
to my recollection the state the apostle had to pass
through when he said he was cast down, but not
forsaken ; in which times the promise of the Saviour
was [fulfilled], "I will not leave you comfortless :"
His poor depending children, who have none in
heaven but Him, nor in all the earth in comparison
of Him, give Him the praise of His own blessed work,
for they experience Him to be the Resurrection and
the Life ; it is by and through Him alone they live,

150 THE LIFE OF

and because He liveth they live. Our Quarterly
Meeting was held last week in Grange, in Charle-
mont, which was large and favoured ; I went in
much discouragement as there was no other minis-
tering Friend, and there were some disagreeable
things to come before the meeting by an appeal,
which atone time wore the appearance of a breach
of love and unity ; but I thought the Author of
every good word and work did appear with healing
in His wings. I felt a pointing to stay their week-
day meeting next day, where were many young
people, to whom I had to minister the word of con-
solation, and encouragement to purchase the Truth,
let the price be what it may, for Divine wisdom and
a right understanding seasoned with grace would
be the companions of it; the opportunity was
through Mercy remarkably favoured. I left them
in peace, and returned home to sit at the gate, a
safe dwelling place !

Tenth Month 25th. — I felt a draught to attend
the Monthly Meeting near Charlemont, and was
silent therein ; in the second meeting, upon the
clerk's querying if any Friend had anything to offer,
I felt it right to say that I came there from an
apprehension of duty, but in both meetings there
was, I thought, such a thick cloud over me, I
could not travel forward — that whatever was the
cause I could not tell, but if each of us were so dis-

JOHN CON RAN. 151

posed to inquire in sincerity, " Is it I ?" I believe
the individuals might find out who it was ; but that
if we abode under this covering, our stay in the
wilderness would be prolonged, so that instead of
advancing, we might be returning back again to our
former -conditions, and never reach the promised
land. The clerk stood up, and said the Friend's
concern was right, he believed, as there was occasion
for the remark. My mind was relieved, and I re-
turned in peace.

Eleventh Month 18th. — I had a closely-sifting
season last night, which brought me very low, more
so than I have felt for a long time ; the sentence of
death was my portion, and under it I was prostrated
before the footstool, [of mercy], scarcely daring to
look up ; when the Judge of quick and dead sits in
judgment on us, who can stand when He appears !
What must be the terrors of those whose sins
accompany them to the [tribunal] of Christ, when
their lot is cast for eternity, with a certain, fearful
looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation and
wrath ! In this furnace, I saw much still for the
fire, and more for the fuller's soap, the prospect of
which brought me very low, ready to give up all,
under a [deep] sense of unworthiness ; in which
the Lord was exalted, whose right it is, and the
creature abased : here I felt the truth of that say-
ing of the apostle, " Unto us beiongeth shame and
confusion of face."

152 THE LITE OF

Twelfth Month 1-itJi. — My travel seems through
the wilderness, and Pharaoh and his host pursuing
me ; there is still a great deal in me to be slain ;
when wilt thou be sheathed, oh ! sword of the Lord,
the Word of His mouth ! Every word of my mouth
appears to be weighed in the balance of the sanc-
tuary, there is nothing escapes His eye, the inmost
thoughts of my heart are judged as soon as con-
ceived, there is not any thing hidden from Him ; in
vain did Adam hide from that call, (which can shake
the heavens and the earth also) cl Where art thou ?"
For some time past my hopes have been all centred
in Divine mercy and forgiveness, my form er works
of righteousness have been blotted out, and in my
heart I have said, " Though thou slay me, I will
trust in thee." In my troubles, I have endeavoured
to remember the day of my espousals, when His light
and His truth shone into my dark habitation ; I was
then brought into His banqueting-house, and His
banner over me was love ; but now I feel my enemy
spreading snares to entrap me, but I trust the fear
of falling will preserve me, through the mighty God
of Jacob. Thy ways, oh ! Lord, are past our finding
out, — but the advice of Moses formerly to Israel is
good for me at this time, " Stand still, and see the
salvation of God." I have but little to add at this
time, but to acknowledge the [Divine] mercy in sup-
porting me with some patience under distressing
trials in my family, but no way has opened for my

JOHN CONE, AN. 153

escape from them. I feel bound to this quarter
of the vineyard, where my poor labours appear
to be acceptable.

I felt a concern to attend the Monthly Meeting
at Moyallen, and being desirous of turning the
fleece upon it produced an exercise for two days,
which was very trying, and when it had reduced
me to resignation, the concern left me, and I re-
mained at home in peace. When I feel drawings
abroad, they are generally pleasant to the taste,
but in turning the fleece they are bitter inwardly,
and very hard to give up to. There is in man,
though he has passed measurably through the fire,
and drunk of the bitter waters of affliction, a share
of the first nature still unsubdued, that would say,
" Send by whom thou wilt send," or that com-
plaint of, "Who hath believed our report?" Yet
gracious, condescending Mercy bears with us as a
tender parent, and rewards us (instead of chastis-
ing) with His evidence of peace !

Third Month 24th, 1816.— I went to Moyallen
First-day meeting, and had a heavy dull sitting for
above an hour and a half, when a very small opening
appeared before me, a few words, which I reasoned
with to put it by, when a language moved in my
mind, that if we were so poor as not to be able to
offer an ox, ram, or he-goat, a pair of turtle-doves or
two young pigeons would be accepted. So I stood

154 THE LIFE OF

up with two or three sentences, and moving gently
on as a few more arose before me, the waters rose
gradually, so that I left the meeting under a solemn
covering, and myself in peace : let the praise be to
Him to whom it is due, wTho is strength in weakness,
and riches in poverty. The great necessity for
watchfulness in ministers in exercising their gifts in
meetings for worship has been shown to me lately.
As I sat in meetings, a field of offerings opened
before me, in which was much sound doctrine, on
various subjects, which appeared to me suitable to
many states and conditions who might be present ;
but as I rarely stand up till a considerable lapse
of time, I viewed the subjects, whether they might
be offered, when this language clearly came before
my mind, that this ram had not horns, — the whole
was resumed back into the treasury, and another
ram was fastened in the thicket, and was offered,
which I believe was accepted with wine and oil,
and I had to conclude the meeting with solemn
supplication to the Lord, who is Wonderful, Coun-
sellor, and the Prince of Peace ! Praise his holy
name, 0 my soul, for He only is worthy of it.

This winter I had many bitter cups to drink,
both outwardly and inwardly: we have need of
patience — Lord, increase it, and my faith, that they
fail not ! I do not remember the furnace hotter,
but I believe the cup is from the Lord's holy hand,

JOHN CONRAN. 155

therefore I must drink it : the bitterest cup is
sometimes the most wholesome, [therefore ye,] His
poor despised little ones, drink ye all of it. The
reply of Eli to the child Samuel, when he told him
every whit, is instructive ; when Eli heard the sad
sentence pronounced against his house, he submit-
ted, saying, "It is the Lord, let Him do what seem-
eth Him good." A sorrowful and warning lesson
to parents to exercise that authority over their fami-
lies which faithful Abraham did in his, having this
testimony of Divine approbation, that he command-
ed his family after him, therefore the Divine will
was manifested unto him ; and if we are sincerely en-
gaged to do our part, help will be administered to us.

Seventh Month 10th. — The week-day meeting
at Megabry was, I thought, comfortably held in
silence ; many doctrines opened in my mind in a
living experience, which I thought I could have
stood up with to edification, but the necessity or
woe was not with them, therefore they passed away
under this impression, that they might open again
in some other meeting.

11th. — I attended the week-day meeting at Lis-
burn, much in the cross, as a hard time generally is
my lot there; I sat in great poverty for upwards of
an hour, when a very small opening appeared, with
which I stood up, and gradually proceeding, it in-
creased till it became as a broad river, when the

156 THE LIFE OF

sense impressed the day before, of these openings
being renewed in some other meeting, was fulfilled,
I believe, to the satisfaction of many present, as
well as to my own — praises be given to the Great
Giver of every good and perfect gift ! Watch-
fulness is as necessary to ministers as faithfulness,
lest they enter into temptation.

lith. — [After speaking of a favoured meeting at
Megabry, he says :] — It feels to me as if there were
a fresh visitation afforded to this meeting, which was
some years back highly favoured, as I have been
told, and appears by the records of the Society;
but when the elders of that day were removed, there
arose a generation who had not been witnesses of the
saving help which had been afforded to their fathers,
and of some of them, it may be said, they knew
the Lord only by hearing of His name and power,
but their hearts were far from Him. Yet He whose
mercy endureth from one generation to another, is
pleased to visit the children's children, to the third
and fourth generation of those who have loved Him
and kept His commandments. May this blessed
covenant of life and light be once more renewed in
this quarter of the Lord's vineyard, [to the raising
up of such] whose lips may be touched with the
live coal from off the altar, under the holy influence
whereof sons and daughters may in true dedication
say, "Here am I, send me !" Though I do not

JOHN CON RAN. 157

expect to see the morning of this day arise with
healing virtue in its wings, yet I rejoice in the hope
that it will come and will not tarry. Blessed and
praised be the name (the power) of Israel's God, who
can bind, and who can loose when in His unbounded
wisdom, He sees meet so to do. Oh ! may the
blessing of the everlasting hills be upon the head of
Joseph, upon the head of him who was separated
from his brethren ; may there be that fruitfulness
in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, experienced in which
the branches run over the wall, and there is a
going to and fro in the earth proclaiming the glad
tidings of the Gospel of peace and salvation,
through obedience to the Divine illumination in
their own minds.

Eighth Month 4zth. — I have of late felt, as ofttimes
before, when passing quietly about my lawful busi-
ness, a spring of Gospel ministry open in my mind,
and many Gospel doctrines flow therefrom for a
considerable time in a clear and convincing manner;
I have kept still, in humble admiration, desiring to
treasure them up, in order to bring them out on
some future occasion ; but the whole has been re-
sumed, and I have had to go forth without scrip or
purse or two coats. To-day, after a favoured meet-
ing, this state appeared to my mind as what is
called in Scripture, " the renewings of the Holy
Ghost/' These experiences brightened my candle

158 THE LIFE OF

which had been burning but dimly for some time
past, and raised in my heart praises and thanks-
givings to Him whose mercies are from everlasting,
through His dear and beloved son, our gracious and
merciful Redeemer ; who in His heavenly wisdom*
sees meet to hide Himself for a season, to increase
our diligence in seeking for Him, and to Him for
those fresh supplies which he graciously grants to
His poor depending little ones, who in His absence
mourn, but in His life-giving presence rejoice with
fear and trembling. Amen, so be it.

2bth. — First-day meeting. Before I left home my
bitterness was so great that I went out shedding
tears, almost careless what became of me, but I
experimentally found that was not tne case with my
merciful Lord and Master. After I sat some time
in meeting, the blessed state of the poor in spirit
opened before me, with the benefits arising from it :
from the feebleness of the impulse attending, I felt
a fear of moving under it for near an hour, so that
it left me, naked and bare, upon dry ground ; but at
my petition (on my uneasiness at having neglected
a line of duty) unspeakable condescension, was
pleased again to bring the opening into view with a
little more certainty, upon which I moved forward,
and Truth arose and its enemies were scattered —
the light of the Gospel shone brighter through me
than I had ever known before, and various states

JOHN CONRAN. 159

and conditions were described — that the kingdom of
heaven was only attainable through the aid of the
grace of God, and submitting ourselves to the
redeeming efficacy of the cross of Christ — the state
of the poor in spirit, made so not in the will,
wisdom or strivings of men, but through the wis-
dom of God showing unto man his weakness and
natural deformity, and the need he has of a
Saviour lest he should die in alienation from God
— and that it was this state of inward and deep
poverty (to which I appeared to be well qualified
to speak from my late baptisms into it) that effect-
ually knocked at the door and gained an entrance,
for the gates of heaven are opened to it, if faithful-
ness is continued in to the end. Let our oblations
be ever so rich, and sacrifices ever so near and dear
to us, even as a first-born, and though the temple
we frequent be more magnificent than Solomon's,
yet obedience to the revealed will of God in our
hearts will be the only acceptable offering at our
hands. The covering over the meeting was sol-
emn, under which it broke up.

Ninth Month 15th. — My baptisms of late have
been deep, and as much as I can bear up under,
which causes strong and frequent cries, " Lord save
me or I shall fall." After all my trials I fear lest I
should become a castaway — by night and by day my
cries are to my dear Lord to have mercy on me, for

160 THE LIFE OF

I feel ready to die, and can take no spiritual sus-
tenance to support me. When will the Almighty
arm be made bare for my deliverance ? surely the
Lord delayeth His coming ! But oh ! my soul, be
not thou too much dismayed, for when He does
come His reward is with Him. In my humiliation
my judgment is taken away — I feel hedged in on
every side. When oh Lord ! wilt thou cause the
light of thy countenance once more to shine upon
me ? These purging seasons are necessary ; in one
I passed through this morning every crown I might
have been favoured with heretofore, was cast down
at the footstool of the Lamb, who is alone worthy
to be honoured and obeyed : I cast myself and all
that I have into the arms of His everlasting mercy,
which endureth from one generation to another.
I have not felt so deep a plunging I think for
years, which I suppose was necessary to do away
more of the dross still behind. Oh ! the wormwood
and the gall, how bitter is this cup to drink of —
this is a partaking of a measure of Christ's suffer-
ings spiritually, that our life may be hid with
Christ in God, and when Hewhois the Resurrection
and the Life shall arise, these shall arise with
Him, and be made partakers of His life. Praises
and thanksgivings to Him who liveth and reigneth
for ever and ever.

26th. — I felt drawings on my mind to attend

JOHN CONRAN. 161

the week-day meeting In Lisburn, which was very
much in the cross, even to tears. I had to deal
in a very close manner on the power of the cross,
and the blessed effects derived from obedience to
it; with a caution against Delilah, and reposing
in her lap, and to take warning by Samson, who
was a Nazarite from his birth, yet he lost his
strength and his light, and became a bondman to
the uncircumcised, and was bound in fetters of brass
— spiritualizing it. It was an open time, and a
solemn covering was spread over the meeting.

SOth. — My exercises are many, and deeply dis-
tressing on account of the state of my son's affairs,
with the poor prospect his small family has of a
livelihood ; my own state also being a stripped
one, leads me ofttimes to call upon Divine Mercy,
that he would be pleased to afford me but one ray
of light to show me where I am, if I am still in
the land of the living. My sore runs in the night
season, and occasions me many sleepless hours,
meditating an escape from this furnace, and to
pitch my tent in some other place. Such thoughts
occupied me early this morning in bed, when these
expressions impressed my mind in a solid manner,
and entirely laid aside my meditated removal else-
where,— " Thou art a fruit-bearing branch, thou
must abide in the Vine, or thou canst not bring
forth fruit;'5 by which I understood that if I ro-
ll

162 THE LIFE OF

moved in my own will or desire I might become
fruitless, and be as a useless branch broken off and
cast away. A lesson of sound instruction, may I
never forget the awful effect it produced in me.

Twelfth Month 2d.— The Quarterly Meeting at
Lurgan, which was attended by our dear friends
Hannah Field and Elizabeth Barker, from North
America, whose company and gospel labours were
truly satisfactory : I think the meeting was com-
fortable, and the business conducted with harmony.

Second Month 2d, 1817. — I attended the meet-
ing at Moy alien, where after a deep travail I was
opened on the new birth, from the state of the
babe whose food is proportioned to its weakness,
the pure milk of the Divine Word — its progress to
the state of the young man — then to manhood,
enabled to resist the devil — then to that of an elder
who becomes a pillar in the church, able to bear
up a:d support a share of the building — and the
next translation would be to heaven and happiness,
there to receive the fulness of the answer of "Well
done," &c. It was a time of favour, and brought
me the comfortable evidence of peace : there was
a person present lately received into membership,
for whose encouragement and strengthening I be-
lieved I was thus drawn forth.

6th. — I attended the Preparative Meeting in
Lisburn by appointment^ in it those deistical prin-

JOHN CONRAN. 163

ciples so prevalent were closely spoken to and re-
sisted on the clear evidence of Scripture, with the
danger of dying in a denial of Christ before men,
and the awful consequences thereof. I had to trace
the enemy's delusions and various transformations
from Adam, in sundry generations of mankind,
describing their appearances, and that he still is
the unwearied enemy, and is now attacking the
Divine light from heaven, desiring to gain prose-
lytes to the opinion that it proceeds altogether from
man, as a portion of his reason, and not from Christ
in us the hope of glory. It was an exercising time
to my mind, but left the evidence of peace.

I am now in the 78th year of my age, and am
mercifully favoured with health and ability to at-
tend meetings at home, and sometimes abroad :
when the time comes that the account must be ren-
dered, may it be with joy and not with grief, striv-
ing to do whatsoever is commanded to be done.

Third Month 4th. — Our Quarterly Meeting in
Lisburn, my previous preparation for it was great
discouragement and poverty of spirit, which led me
secretly to desire that some other ministering Friend
might be sent to it to relieve my distress, but none
came. In the First-day forenoon meeting I had a
little relief, but it was a poor low time, and the
afternoon meeting was held in silence. I had a
relieving share in the service of the meetings for

164 THE LIFE OF

business, and in the parting meeting had an open
time, being enlarged to several states, and con-
cluded in supplication. Since that time I have had
several deep and purging seasons that I have almost
been ready to surrender my crown and to say, " Send
by vrhom thou wilt send ;" but a small portion of
faith and patience being afforded, I was made will-
ing to travel on through heights and through depths,
and put my whole trust and confidence in that arm
of Divine support which has hitherto sustained me
through many trials and probations : to Him is the
praise, but to me shame and confusion of face !

12th. — For some time past I felt drawings to
attend the week-day meeting in Lurgan, and after
some reasonings respecting the smallness of it I
went, and found it very small; yet there were those
in it who I believed were under religious exercise
and close trials, to whom I had to hand forth en-
couragement to persevere and wrestle for the bless-
ing as Jacob did, that they might prevail with God,
and then their light would shine forth with bright-
ness, which would enable them also to prevail with
men, so as to acknowledge that God was in them
of a truth — that they had many trials of their faith
to pass through, but I urged them not to be dis-
couraged, for all the stones which compose the
spiritual building, Christ's church here on earth,
are tried ones, and are in this manner brought into

JOHN CONRAN. 165

their places in that body of which Christ Himself
is the holy Head and High Priest. I believe my
concern was on account of this class, and it afforded
me peace on my return.

To record the many baptisms I have to pass
through, and painful exercises which I believe are
the experience of all Christian travellers (in that
way which the vulture's eye hath not seen) is not
my intention ; the wind bloweth where and when it
listeth, we hear the sound thereof, but know not
whence it cometh; therefore such must be con-
tented to bear the blasts of it without considering
much about the cause : this is very much the course
I travel in. I felt drawings to attend Belfast meet-
ing this day two weeks, which from my weakness
at the time, with some other discouragements, made
it hard to give up to, but I was secretly helped
through, and had a time of favour and much en-
largement in both meetings, and openness in
sundry families, stopping there nearly three days.
Since then my borders have been narrowed, and I
rest satisfied, hoping I feel myself at times under
the shadow of His holy wing, in which I find great
delight ; though at others some withering blasts are
felt, for which I hope I am thankful. A change of
seasons in the natural world is pleasant, the spring
coming on after the winter, with the singing of the
birds is cheering; so are the secret touches of

166 THE LIFE OF

Divine love succeeding the cold blasts of winter,
strengthening and refreshing to the traveller, en-
couraging him to hold on his way without fainting
or growing weary. This is part of that hidden
mystery which the world by wisdom knoweth
not of, neither can it, as experience only can teach
it ; by this the wayfaring man (though a fool as to
worldly wisdom) hath found it, and walks therein,
whilst the worldly wise count his life as madness,
and that his end will be without honour. Un-
searchable, Oh Lord ! are all thy ways, and past
our finding out any other way but by submission to
thy holy will. We have girded ourselves heretofore,
and went whithersoever we would, but the time is
now come to me when another girds me and carries
me sometimes whither I would not, but I believe in
that wisdom to which I cannot add anything. It is
now become as my meat and drink, upon which I
live, to look inward for secret help and direction in
all my goings, that I may be enabled to walk with-
out reproach from my own conscience or from men.
Ninth Month, — I attended the Quarterly Meet-
ing at Grange, near Charlemont, and next day the
week-day meeting at Moyallen, which was satisfac-
tory ; after which I returned home, and found the
sheriff had that day sold by auction almost the
whole of my son's crop, but my share of property
was untouched. I was made acquainted with it

JOHN CONRAN. 167

just before meeting, which brought me to a stand
whether to go to meeting, or home to attend the
auction and claim what things I had a right to. I
staid at meeting, and left my affairs to Divine dis-
posal, and I did not lose anything, though I was
told there were some greedily wanting to have my
hay sold, as I was not there to advance the money
if it were ; but a stranger came forward and of-
fered to advance the money for me till my return :
thus was I preserved from loss !

[It appears that John Conran went through much
trial in his son's family, with whom he had resided
after his marriage in 1807 ; and in 1813, he writes]:
— my situation here has been very dissatisfactory,
but I have thought these trials were permitted for
my refinement, and though I have very often
prayed and entreated that I might be favoured to
see some other situation to retire to, yet at present
I cannot, but have still to suffer most afflicting sea-
sons. May God not lay it to their charge, for
they know not what they do !

Eleventh Month 16th. — Many have been my trials
and deep exercises of late, both inwardly and out-
wardly, that I have often secretly prayed that my
faith fail not ; but an invisible Hand supported me,
and kept my head above the waters, when the suc-
cessive waves appeared likely to overwhelm me. I
feel bound to this meeting, so that I cannot find an

168 THE LIFE OF

open door to go out and leave it ; and though my
labours are frequent among its members, the dry
bones in the open valley will rise up in judgment
against them and condemn them, for they showed
signs of life, and rose up when the prophet prophe-
sied upon them ; but here there does not appear any
marks of resurrection, the earth keeps its place, not
showing any symptoms of being moved out of its
place in their hearts, which makes the labour harder
to the poor storm-beaten traveller, who at times can
scarcely find a path through the wilderness, which
leads to peace. This day the excellency of the
Scriptures was spoken to and acknowledged, but the
more excellent way was preferred, that [Word of
life and light] which gave them forth — that they
were ofttimes my study, and administered comfort
and consolation in comparing my exercises and
temptations with those which are there recorded ;
yet although my memory would serve me to repeat
the whole of them, and to preach therefrom the doc-
trines they contained, if it were not mixed with true
faith proceeding from my having tasted, felt, and
handled the pure Word of life and light which gave
them forth, my preaching would not profit the
hearers, or afford peace to myself. Some in this
day search them, and think in so doing they shall
have eternal life ; but though they testify of Christ,
yet of themselves they do not give life. Apollos, in

JOHN C ON RAN. 169

the beginning of his ministry, was mighty in the
Scriptures, and from them preached Christ boldly,
not fearing the opposers in that day ; but when the
two well-instructed elders heard him so powerful
in the letter, they took him undjer their pruning
hand, and taught him the way of God more per-
fectly, and then he became a fellow-labourer with
the Apostle, and what the latter planted, Apollos
watered, and God alone gave the increase.

Seventh Month 9th, 1818. — Feeling a small
draught towards the week-day meeting at Hills-
borough, I thought it safest to give up, though at-
tended with a discouraging poverty. I sat down in
that state, but was rather surprised at my feelings,
which were covered with great stillness, that I
thought I had got into a quiet habitation from the
enemy, who on these occasions often endeavours to
stir up in me wandering thoughts. All was silent,
when there arose before me not onlydoctrines instruc-
tive to the Christian traveller, but encouragement
also to persevere in that way that I believe Truth,
by its Divine light, had cast up before the mind, and
was inviting to walk in. I waited on these openings,
as they moved on my mind, upwards of an hour, de-
siring a clearer evidence to express them, which not
being afforded, I was submitting to retain them for
some other season, and now to keep silence ; when
this intimation touched my mind, that Shiloh's

170 THE LIFE OF

waters run softly, which had the healing effect to
strengthen my feeble knees, so that I stood up, and
proceeding quietly on by little and little, as it was
afforded me, they gradually increased to a pretty full
stream of comfort and consolation to my own poor
state, and I hope also to the minds of some others,
the savour of which remained with me, and the next
day also, relieving me from that state of desertion
which is very often my experience. Thy ways, oh
Lord ! with the children of men, are wonderful, and
past human wisdom to find out ; the stork knoweth
its way in the heavens, because it is instructed by
thee, but man, by refusing Divine instruction,
knoweth not his way, it is past his finding out.

I am now in the 79th year of my age, and I be-
lieve I may say I feel my watchfulness increased,
having to examine carefully almost every word or
sentence I make use of, lest by any means I should
miss of so great salvation which has been offered to
me in the discovering light of Christ. Oh! ye
careless ones, and lukewarm professors of the
blessed Truth, who have neglected your day's work
in the day of God's mercy to your souls, and are
spending your money (or talent) upon that which
doth not profit, what will ye do when the end
comes, and the talent is called for with usury ?

20th. — Our family was broken up in Tromra ; my
daughter-in-law, with the children, went to her

JOHN CONRAN. 171

father's, and in a few days after, I went to Belfast,
to J. B.'s, and staid there till about the 26th of
Ninth Month. My abode there was pleasant ; I
had some open and satisfactory opportunities in
their meeting, the recollection of which has been
consolatory to my feelings.

Twelfth Month 23d. — I felt my mind drawn to
attend the Monthly Meeting at Grange, (County of
Tyrone), feeling a sympathy with the suffering seed
in that place; the privileges of Christ's sheep were
shown forth, not the least of which was that of
being enabled to distinguish His voice from that of
the stranger, which they will not follow because he
is a stranger — Christ leads His sheep at times into
green pastures, and by the still waters, causes them
to drink of Shiloh's brook that runs softly, brings
them down to the washing pool, and up again, bear-
ing twins, a meek and quiet spirit and love to God
and their neighbour. When I sat down a restless
spirit, (one who had been disowned) stood up and
preached against the old prophet, but it was to me
as a sounding brass, being void of that clrarity which
thinketh no evil, but rejoiceth in the good in whom-
soever it appeareth : my services in both meetings
were I believe acceptable to some and brought
peace to my own mind.

25th. — This morning early, I was deeply humbled
with a sharp attack of the enemy, lest I should be

172 THE LITE OF

exalted or assume any glory to myself, which justly
belonged to my gracious Lord and Master : shame
and confusion of face was my portion. After
breakfast, in my usual retirement in my chamber,
I was mercifully comforted with a fresh instance
of Divine regard flowing into my soul, which healed
my wounded spirit, showing to me that He can
wound, and that He also can heal, blessed and
praised be His almighty and holy name, now and
for ever. Amen !

[Frequent mention is made in his memoranda of
these seasons of daily inward waiting on the Lord,
they often extended to the space of two hours, and
were made to him times of deep instruction, or
inward refreshment, or as he himself expresses it,
occasions in which he experienced something of
what the apostle describes as "the renewings of
the Holy Ghost." The Editor, while selecting from
these private memorials, has been impressed with
the excellence of John Conran's example in this
respect, and can hardly forbear expressing the de-
sire that it may be more generally followed : for
while the leisure of many might not admit of such
lengthened abstraction from their daily avocations,
none it is believed, would be permitted to go unre-
warded for dedicating such a portion of time, as
they could rightly spare from their temporal duties,

JOHN CONRAN. 173

to seeking for that soul-sustaining food without
■which, the spiritual life must languish and decay
— needful alike for all, but especially important
for those who feel themselves called upon like
John Conran to become leaders and teachers of
the people.]

Second Month, 1819. — I have had a wilderness
travail for some weeks, having passed through
some bitter baptisms in secret, but my only con-
solation is that the Lord can deliver out of them
all ; though the fire of temptation is permitted to
burn, it is He only who can quench the fiery darts
of the wicked one. I go mourning on my way
daily, looking for Him whom my soul loveth, but
find Him not. How long, Lord, wilt thou hide
thyself? for in thy holy presence' there used to be
joy, and with thee is peace for evermore.

Vlth. — Attended the Monthly Meeting at Lis-
burn, and had the company of Benjamin White
from Pennsylvania, and John Pirn from London,
the former was largely engaged in gospel labour, I
sat very much in my usual manner, little and low.

174 THE LIFE OF

CHAPTEE VII.

1819. HE BECOMES A MEMBER OF LURGAN
MONTHLY MEETING — RELIGIOUS EXERCISES —
ACCOMPANIES JOHN KIRKHAM AND VISITS THE
FAMILIES WITH HIM IN DUBLIN — CONTINUA-
TION OF HIS EXERCISES AND SERVICES.

Third Montli 22d. — I am now removed by cer-
tificate into the bounds of the Monthly Meeting of
Lurgan, and am settled in Moyallen in the family
of my friend T. C. W., which feels to my satisfac-
tion. It was in the meeting of Lurgan, I first felt
the principle of life and light which manifested to
me my lost state and condition, and caused me to
cry secretly for " a Saviour or I die, a Redeemer or
I perish," — and it was in the meeting of Lurgan
that my mouth was opened the first time in a public
testimony, for the Truth. The present state of this
Monthly Meeting feels to me very discouraging —
the Aarons and Hurs are very few — their meetings
for discipline composed of about eight or nine men
— and a spirit gone forth that has laid waste some
families that were once valiant for the Truth, whose
influence has operated like the tail of the serpent

JOHN CON RAN. 175

to draw many down after them ; the spirit of anti-
christ is to be felt at times denying the Son to be
of the Father in that fulness which He declared of
Himself — a depressing prospect for me, but no
other appeared to open before me, and I was shut
out of my two former habitations. Yesterday I
stood up in meeting here with an opening on the
necessity of having a true and living faith in God
through the manifestations of the Divine Light,
which is Christ, and though in my silent sitting,
clear doctrine had opened to my view on that sub-
ject, I said but a few passages, when I felt a spirit
of opposition and resistance, and sat down under
my burden, sorrowful on their account.

Fifth Month 3d. — I returned from the Yearly
Meeting in Dublin, which was large, our friend
Benjamin White, was frequently and largely con-
cerned in the meetings, and his companion John
Pirn. I was often in silence, being rather a burden-
bearer than a testimony-bearer, but I hope was
sometimes suitably opened into some of the states
of the church. In the Select Meeting I had to
exhort the members, as my fellow-labourers in the
gospel, to stand plumb upon the living Founda-
tion, for if a pillar leaned to any side it showed
weakness, or a disposition to slide off the founda-
tion ; if that should happen, the pillar will be of
no farther use in the house* but must be cast out.

1T6 THE LIFE OF

There were two members of that meeting, soob
after removed from their stations.

My offerings in meetings, though pretty frequent,
yet are very short, sometimes only a few sentences,
but they often bring with them a solemnity and
peace to my own mind. Other dear Friends, with
whom I am sometimes their companion in travail,
can launch out into the deep, whilst I can only
keep near the shore with very little sail ; if it were
not for the evidence of life attending the morsel, I
should be ready to conclude I had lost ground,
not comprehending the cause, and this language
is sometimes uttered under great depression of
spirit, " My God, my God, why hast thou for-
saken me !" My inward exercises are very great
indeed — contend not, I beseech it of thee, with thy
judgments in my soul, for what am I before thee?
but a worm, unworthy of the least of' thy mercies !
Oh ! Mercy, that I am not consumed, for I am
hateful in my own sight ; how, then, must I ap-
pear in thy most holy and most pure sight, when
the very heavens are not clean before thee ? Then,
oh Lord ! do I cast down every high thought and
imagination of myself, and sit in the dust at thy
footstool, and there desire to receive the law from
thy mouth. Thy judgments sink deep in my soul ; .
when thou visits the people with them, they will
learn righteousness, and I fear not till then. Many

JOHN CONRAN. 177

in this meeting having strayed from thy fold, and
some of them into afar country, from whence they
may never find their return, unless thou art pleased
in mercy to stretch forth the shepherd's crook of
thy love, and draw them.

Seventh Month 8th. — Week-day meeting at Moy-
allen, a small company. I felt a concern to rest
on my mind to show the loving mercies of God to
mankind, and how unwilling He is that any should
be lost to that great salvation that He hath prepared
before the face of all men, to whom, for this gra-
cious end and purpose, He hath given a portion of
His own blessed Spirit, which, wThen they will not
obey, He sends His servants, rising up and sending
them. And He hath also given to us other tokens
to warn us of His coming to judgment, the gradual
decay of our bodies, natural faculties, and intellects;
even these are often not sufficient to awaken us to
a feeling so as to prepare us for our Lord's coming.
Ephraim, we read, had grey hairs upon him, yet he
knew it not — also other states which that favoured
tribe wTas in, which prevented him from lending his
ear to the instructing voice of God. My concern
was warm for some present, and I had to express
that the door was still open, that they might
enter in, and find bread to eat, and raiment to put
on, that would cover their nakedness ; but if the
Master of the house should rise up and shut to tho

178 THE LIFE OF

door, that they might knock and not get entrance,
for His declaration is that His Spirit shall not
always strive with man. If we let the day pass
over our heads, and the night overtake us, we may
then grope for the wall, and not be able to find
that whereon we can rest, and I believe this might
be the last call before the command goes forth to
" let Ephraim alone," — desiring that no one might
say this is not for me, and shift, if they can, the
weight from themselves to others ; but turn to the
Light, and as the disciples did formerly ask,
"Lord, is it I ?" and the right one will feel this
answer, " Thou hast said it."

Eighth Month, — I accompanied my friend, John
Kirkham, from Essex to the following meetings,
viz., Lurgan, Lisburn, Hillsborough, Belfast, Moy-
allen, and Richhill, in all of which his service was
considerable, and mine very small, having been kept
little and low for some time ; but it is the Lord's
doing, and I am resigned to it ; He gave, and He
hath taken away, blessed be His holy name.

[In the Tenth and Eleventh Months, he visited the
families of Friends in Dublin, with John Kirkham,
upon which he remarks] : " Though I had the con-
cern for some years on my mind, at times very
strongly, yet I believe the right time was mercifully
pointed out, and this I acknowledge with secret
thanksgiving to Him whose counsel is wisdom, and

THE LIFE OF 179

His own works do praise Him. I entered the fami-
lies greatly stripped, but in my silent waiting on
that Fountain which never can be drawn dry, I was
favoured gradually to feel light to arise out of dark-
ness, and by following it I was enabled to minister
sometimes in little and low places, and at other
times more plentifully, to my own peace, and I hope
to the edification of others. In two meetings I was
favoured to unburden my mind in a full testimony
against that prevailing and dangerous principle of
infidelity which I fear has taken root in some minds
amongst us, but it is to be feared more deeply
among the people at large. I was silent in thirty-
three meetings, but at times the gift operated on
me in silent tears, to my comfort, peace, and resig-
nation ; I believe it was good for me that I was
there, and am thankful for the [Divine] aid in help-
ing me to go forth under my varied exercises ; the
praise is due, not to me in any wise, but to the all-
wise and good Helper of those whose only reliance
is upon His Divine support. I returned home with
peace, but it was succeeded by a trying state of
poverty in our own meeting, and when apprehending
myself required to express anything in meeting, had
to do it with a stammering tongue and faltering
lips, and to close with very few words, very little
being committed to me ; but I abide with the little,
and endeavour patiently to submit to the present

180 THE LIFE OF

dispensation, though at times these expressions
escape my lips, " Hast thou forsaken me ?"

Second Month Ylth, 1820.— I attended the
Monthly Meeting in Lisburn, which was large, but
a low, heavy, wading meeting ; I was held in silence,
not feeling any thing but great poverty, which is
generally my experience in that meeting ; the world
is the cloud that overshadows the tabernacle, by
which the Sun of Righteousness is obscured. When,
oh Lord ! wilt thou arise, for thy great name's sake,
and dispel these mists, that the people may see
where their help is laid ! The gods of silver and
of gold are the works of men's hands, but the work
of righteousness is thine, and brings peace, quiet-
ness, and assurance, and that for evermore !

2±th. — At the Monthly Meeting in Richhill, I
was a long time in silence : when I stood up, I said
to this effect, that were I to express my feelings at
this time, I should say I apprehend myself to be
led into the valley among the dry bones, and that
they wrere very dry ; but I felt the caution of the
prophet to possess my mind, when he was asked if
those bones could live ; he did not rashly enter into
judgment upon his brethren, but referred the judg-
ment to the Judge of quick and dead, saying,
"Lord,thouknowest." — Xeitherdidl,remembering
that He who raised Lazarus from the dead, could
raise up an army from the dry bones who should

JOHN CON RAN. 181

stand for His blessed name's sake. And though
the state of things may now be very low among
them, yet I believed there was a remnant present,
who should be encouraged to persevere and hold
on their way, and use the little strength they had,
and that it wTould be increased, if faithfulness were
abode in.

Third Month. — The Quarterly Meeting in Lis-
burn, to me, was but a low time ; after it, I went
to Belfast, and sat in their week-day meeting and
two meetings on the First-day, which were satis-
factory. If the few there keep faithful to what is
already made known, the little will be increased, and
they will be made as way-marks to others : for I
believe there is a right seed sown in that place, which
is vegetating, and will in the Lord's time show it-
self green above the earth, which now covers it from
outward view. I feel that love towards it that is
stronger than death, and it will prevail.

26th,First-day. — After reading the Scriptures in
the evening, we had a season of solemn silence, in
which I felt my mind concerned to express the
benefits derived to us under the Gospel dispensa-
tion, in which our lots are cast in this day — that
there is not now any occasion for one man to say
unto another, or to a brother, " KnowT the Lord ;"
for all may know Him, from the least to the greatest
— neither need we say one to another, " Who shall

182 THE LIFE OF

go up to heaven, or to the furthermost parts of the
earth, to bring Christ from thence, that we may
hear Him and obey Him ;" for He, the Word,is near
to each of us, in the heart and in the mind, telling
each of us the way, and to walk in it — that though
the Scriptures are the words of God, yet Christ is
the Word that was before the Scriptures — that all
things were made by Him, and that when He, the
First-born, came into the world, the angels of God
were commanded to worship Him — that He is the
Light of the world — that a measure and manifesta-
tion of this Divine illumination is given to every one
to profit withal, which if we follow in the way of its
leadings, will lead us in the straight and narrow
way, which ends in eternal life. We are all candi-
dates for this glorious end, and the voice of Divine
mercy has gone forth throughout the earth, inviting
us to come to this Light, which is Christ; and
what by nature we cannot do, His holy Spirit will
enable us to do, if faithfulness is abode in, and He
will save us with an everlasting salvation, which
the works of the law could not accomplish. My
mind was principally drawn to the servants, five of .
whom were present, and one of them had been
clerk to a public worship house ; the opportunity
closed under a solemn covering.

Fifth Month 9th. — I came home last evening from
the Yearly Meeting in Dublin, our dear friend, S. G.,

JOHN CON RAN. 188

with his companion, "VV. Allen, were there, and had
considerable service in the meetings, and a paper
recounting some of their travels in foreign parts
was read, which, with some verbal communications
from S. Gr., were truly gratifying, and instructive
to put our trust and confidence in the Divine
counsel, and not to fear what man can do. I was
in silence in all the public meetings, but returned
in peace, and was satisfied I was there.

IQth. — I felt my mind drawn to the Monthly
Meeting at Lisburn, which I attended, also the
Meeting of Ministers and Elders, where, in refer-
ence to a deficiency in bringing families to meeting,
I remarked that the authority which parents had
given them by the Great Parent of the family should
be maintained, as the patriarchs were kings and
priests in their families, and reminded them how
the centurion was praised for supporting his autho-
rity in his family. The succeeding meeting was
very low, and I sat a long time much depressed,
when I had to say that the foundation of true Gospel
ministry was love — that God so loved the world
that He sent His only begotten Son into it — that
He the Minister of ministers, preached to the
people love to God above all, and love to our neigh-
bour— that his church was built without hands, and
did not need the support of men's hands — that
whoever ministered in it should remember the

184 THE LIFE OF

advice of the apostle, to minister in that ability
-which God giveth — that if any ministered out of
this ability, their foundation is comparable to hay,
straw, &c, and will be consumed, as God is said to
be a consuming fire ; and as He is also said to be
jealous, His glory He will not give to man, nor
His praise to the works of men, for His own works
do praise Him, and if any one should take that
honour to themselves, they will lie down in sorrow.

Eighth Month 9th. — A meeting was appointed
at Moyallen for Charles Parker, of Yealand, and
Daniel Oliver, of Newcastle, and the next day one
at Lurgan, which I attended ; they were both low
times. In the latter, I had to remind Friends of
the prize that is set before them, a crown of glory
eternal in the heavens; but if we do not run we
shall not obtain — if we stand still, we shall be
found in the same spot at the end of the race.
"So run, that ye may obtain. *'

11th. — This morning as I lay awake before day,
I felt a flow of Gospel truths to break forth in my
mind — attended with life, showing the necessity of
experiencing the new birth brought forth in us ;
till that is the case, let our profession of religion be
what it may, or our name be ever so high, we are in
the Gentile nature, and our worship is in the outer
court. This felt to me at the time so clear, that I
thought nothing could gainsay it, nevertheless if

JOHN CON RAN. 185

the blind eye is not Divinely opened, it cannot see
into this mystery. God made a covenant with
Israel at Sinai, which covenant they did not keep ;
He has made a covenant in these latter days by
writing His law in the*heart, and in the mind, and
those who break this covenant and will not keep it
are not the Lord's people, nor is He their God, as
they do not worship him. These truths were sealed
on my mind, and as things new and old are brought
out of the scribe's treasury, so in the newness of
life they may be brought forth to the edification of
some. Blessed are the eyes which see these things
and have faith given to believe them, they shall no
longer wander in darkness, but shall have the light
of life. My spirit was deeply bowed with thank-
fulness, and peace was the covering of it.

Ninth Month 2d. — The Quarterly Meeting in
Grange, was very large, supposed to be above 600
persons. Charles Parker and companion were
there ; I may say I was thankful to be present, al-
though I was in a stripped state, and wearied in
body with my journey from Belfast. The close of
the meeting for discipline was comfortable, I was
drawn forth in supplication, that the little remnant
wTho had toiled and laboured all the night, might
be favoured to return to their habitations, with a
portion of that bread which had been broken
among us, by Him who feedeth the young ravens,

186 THE LIFE OF

and those who sincerely ask it from Him — that they
and their families might rejoice together, in thanks-
giving and praise, to Him who only is worthy, now
and for evermore ! I had a desire to see the
Friends of that particular meeting, next day, in
their week-day meeting, which they very fully at-
tended, and I was concerned to deal closely with
them, for their general neglect of this reasonable
service, telling them that I felt the Divine jealousy
raised, so as almost to close me from any commu-
nication at that time, which was the reason I was
held so long in silence — because the servant's invita-
tion had been more attended to than that of the
Master, who had so often invited, not only by His
holy Spirit in their hearts, but also by His servants
— that we called Him Master and Lord, but did not
honour and obey Him as such, nor yet confess
Him before men as we ought to do, <fcc. I returned
home in the evening, with a sheaf in my bosom.

17th. — I attended the meeting at Richhill, and a
public one by desire of Xathan Hunt, from North
Carolina, who was largely engaged in testimony
therein, to the exalting of our principles, and ad-
dressing himself to many states present, I believe,
very suitably ; and although occupied at home in a
laborious line, to maintain himself and family, being
a blacksmith, nevertheless he had the tongue of a
scribe well instructed, bringing things new and old

JOHN CONRAN. 187

out of his treasury, and was as a polished shaft in
his Master's quiver, wounding and bringing down
the hairy scalp of his enemies. I felt myself so
small and little, that I durst not venture to my
tent door, even to look after this man of God, as
he entered into the tabernacle !

Tenth Monthlst. — First-day, I am now returned
from meeting, where I have been practically in-
structed that I am little and low, and of no account
in my own eyes, and perhaps in the eyes of others
also; the life seems to be much veiled in me, yet I
feel a necessity to move with the little, and to be
content therewith ; this has been my lot for a long
time in this meeting, but when the great Shepherd
shall appear, we may hope to appear with Him. I
have been now for a considerable time closely
beset, especially in the night-season, by the enemy
who is permitted to assault me, and I have cried
most earnestly for help, which has been mercifully
afforded, when my strength failed. If those who
are acquainted with the Source of help, are
scarcely saved from the jaws of the devourer,
where shall the sinner and the ungodly appear !

19th. — Week-day meeting here, after a long time
in silence the [subject of the] ten lepers who were
cleansed was opened before me — only one returned
to give God thanks, and he was a stranger, not of
the house of Israel, where were the nine ? strangers

188 THE LIFE OF

will be called in to sit at the table with Abraham,
Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven, while
the children of the kingdom shall be cast out ; for
the time may not be far distant when many, who
have not been favoured as we have, with one servant
after another being sent with their lives in their
hands, to invite, saying, " Behold all things are
ready, come ye and eat at the Lord's table," whilst
we are making excuses, forgetful of His mercies —
I say these strangers will come to the light, flocking
like doves to the windows, and will fill up our va-
cant seats, for His table shall be filled, and the
children of the bridechamber be cast out, if they
will not hear. When the Divine light first shone
into my heart, I was a stranger also, but I imme-
diately cleaved to it, and surrendered my body,
soul, and spirit to it, willing to give all up to be
possessed of this precious pearl ; and I have been
mercifully preserved in the love of it to this day,
now about eighty-one years of age ; praise the
Lord, 0 my soul, for His mercy endureth for
ever, to those who love and fear him.

Twelfth Month. — At the Quarterly Meeting at
Lurgan, we had the company of Huldah Sears from
Virginia, who had large service ; I was shut up in
the several sittings, but the last, on Third-day, when
I was enlarged in comparing the shadows of the
law, with the substance revealed in the Gospel.

JOHN CON RAN. 189

In the meeting for discipline, the answers from the
several Monthly Meetings, showing a considerable
deficiency in the attendance of week-day meetings,
brought a deep exercise over us for some time,
and a consideration arose, what could be done to
endeavour to apply some remedy to this complaint,
uttered in every meeting for discipline. After a
time of retirement, it opened in my mind to pro-
pose the appointment of a committee, to pay a visit
to the several Preparative Meetings, and to endea-
vour to stir up Friends to this reasonable and neces-
sary duty, so much complained of as neglected ;
which was agreed to, and a committee appointed,
who performed the visit, I believe, to general
satisfaction, in the next month.

First Month, 1821. — There feels to me a disposi-
tion in some here, wanting to comprehend the hid-
den mysteries of God, and to measure them by their
natural understandings ; to this spirit I have some-
times to minister, but my labour seems in vain, it
must be brought to the Master Himself if cast out.
On First-day, I had to compare the natural man to
the world, in its primitive state as described by
Moses, void and without form, and darkness upon the
face of the deep, until the Spirit of God moved upon
the face of the waters — "and God said, Let there
be light, and there was light, and God saw that the
light was good ; and God separated the light from

190 THE LIFE OE

the darkness, the light He called day. and the dark-
ness He called night" — man. as born of a woman,
is void of Divine knowledge of heavenly mysteries,
but endowed with a knowledge of the things neces-
sary for man, called '''the things of a man ;" with
this knowledge man generally turns the strength
of his mind and faculties to the obtaining of earthly
things ; but the Spirit of God, moving upon this
state, says in His own time, i; Let there be light,"
— and in that light, man then discovers his state of
nature, and feels he is unable [of himself] to do
those things, which the secret counsel of the Most
High shows him in his conscience, are necessary to
be done, if he attains to heaven and happiness.
The light then is gradually separated from the
darkness, and the light is called the day of merci-
ful visitation to the benighted soul of man ; and
though this light appears in man. it is not of man,
but from God in Christ Jesus our Lord. There-
fore, man should give up his own wisdom in these
things, and wait daily at Wisdom's gate, for that
wisdom which alone can explain those mysteries,
which were hidden from ages, and are now re-
vealed in the second coming of Jesus Christ, [in
Spirit], in whom is all wisdom and knowledge, and
who is blessed now and for evermore !

10th. — As I sat in my usual retirement thi3 fore-
noon, a stripped state was my companion, neverthe-

JOHN CONKAK. 191

less I endeavoured to travel on, remembering Jacob
wrestled through the night season ; under this state
of conflict this language feelingly impressed my
mind, " Mordecai returned to the king's gate;"
which comforted me, and begot in me thanksgiving
and praise, that my then state was opened to me,
and I journeyed on with renewal of strength, prais-
ing God whose mercy endureth for ever.

My baptisms are frequent, by day and by night,
especially in the silence of the latter, though deeply
exercising, deep answering to deep in holy writ, yet
they are productive of secret prayer for preserva-
tion from the roaring lion, seeking to devour ; the
hand which was stretched forth to save Peter, is
stretched forth in due time, when every other help
fails, His saving grace is found sufficient, and my
little grain of faith is increased, to confess, ' Thou
art the Son of the everlasting Father, thou art the
Saviour of all who put their trust in thee !' I have
been favoured with precious seasons in the night
sometimes, when I have felt the inflowings of Di-
vine good to my soul, bringing the whole man into
solemn silence, and covering me with heavenly light ;
under this I have lain secretly praying for preserva-
tion, and acknowledging I was but dust and ashes.
These seasons I compared to the brook by the way
which refreshed after the close exercises and bap-
tisms I had passed through, and increased my faith

192 THE LIFE OF

to say, i Lord thou hast been my Alpha, condescend
I beseech thee to be my Omega, now in the 82d
year of my age, that when thou in thy unerring
wisdom seest meet to call me from works to rewards,
I may be enabled to say, Speak, Lord, for thy
servant heareth, and is waiting thy coming. Praises
be to thy holy and blessed name who liveth and
reigneth for ever and ever. Amen.'

Fourth Month 1st. — First-day meeting at Moy-
allen : near the time of separating,a concern ripened
so as to encourage me to stand up and say, that the
church of Christ here on earth was a high distinc-
tion, which all bodies professing Christianity claimed
as their own, but let us consider what the Scrip-
tures say concerning it — they say it is the body of
Christ, of which He is the high and holy Head —
that it receives strength and nourishment from the
Head — that as the oil was poured upon the head of
Aaron, which ran down his beard to the nethermost
skirts of his garments, so doth the unction from the
holy One, run down from the highest to the lowest
member of His body — that Christ is the officiating
minister in His church, making use of servants and
handmaids, as He did in the Jewish church — that
such are made holy, harmless, undefiled, and sepa-
rate from sinners, as He told his people formerly,
" Be ye holy, for I am holy," as the Head is holy
so mu&t the members (the body) be holy also, by

JOHN CONKAN. 193

having their robes made white in the blood of the
Lamb, who is the Word of God — which Word is
in each of us, as a swift witness against every
appearance of evil, reproving and condemning it,
and as we submit thereto, our sins will be washed
away, and we shall be clothed with the fine linen,
which is the righteousness of the saints — that it is
not [a mere reliance on] Christ without us which
will give us admittance into the kingdom of heaven,
though we may plead having eaten and drunk in
His presence, and that He taught in our streets — it
is Christ within us that will give us the blessed
hope of glory — for there is no seed can destroy sin
in man but Christ the Seed of the woman — -and if
we live in sin and die in it, "Depart from me ye
workers of iniquity, I know you -not," is the sen-
tence on those who are not washed and cleansed by
the inspeaking Word of God, who told His disci-
ples, "Now ye are clean through the wrord that I
have spoken unto you." The Meeting concluded
under a solemn covering.

From Charles Parker to John Conran.
Yealand, Fourth Month 6th, 1821.
My Dear Friend,
I was duly favoured with thy acceptable letter,
and glad to observe therefrom the revival of an ex-
ercise in your Quarterly Meeting to extend labour
13

194 THE LIFE OF

for the help of each other, and to carry home and
communicate to individuals and families what may
be unfolded to you of their states and conditions —
to point out the path of danger, and hold forth the
inviting language of " Come brother come sister,
let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the
house of the God of Jacob, and He will teach us of
His ways," &c. In my younger days an exercise
of this sort was yearly performed in the meeting
wherein I resided, by appointment of the Monthly
Meeting, and I think I am a witness of its profit-
able tendency, both among the youth and others ;
but it hath been rarely moved in of later years, and
then mostly under the concern of individuals who
have been travelling in the work of the ministry
only. Probably it may be allowable to think that,
in consequence of the decline of such care, defect
and indifference have more abounded, and the love
of many has become more cold ; it has at least been
evident, in many places, that deadness and forma-
lity have more prevailed, and, "Am I my brother's
keeper ?" has been the language more exhibited in
conduct, if not in expression, for want of minding
and improving the gift that is in them.

I can feelingly sympathize with my dear friends
in Ireland, they have had much to try them, and
much to discourage them ; yet the Lord's arm is
not shortened that He cannot save, nor His ear

JOHN CON RAN. 195

grown heavy that He cannot hear the secret
breathings and petitions of His dependent children
and people. But the things of time and of sense
have tended greatly to weaken, as well as the
undue influence of false brethren ; and I cordially
unite in desire that my fellow-professors, both in
Ireland and the land of my nativity, may come
out from them and be separate — may not touch
the unclean thing, that He may receive us, and be
unto us a Father, and we become His sons and
daughters. Thy remark concerning those who
have separated from you, and are not now of you,
I cordially unite with, for, however cases may dif-
fer as to the cause of departure of any, something
is at least due as an acknowledgment from such
who desire to return ; and if they are made sen-
sible of their mistake, and the real ground of their
desire for a reunion with the body arise from con-
viction, I do hope it will be no task to such, but
rather a relief, to make their situation truly known,
and cause it to accompany their request.

I am,with sincere esteem, thy affectionate friend,

Charles Parker.

Hay, in Brecknockshire, Wales,
17th of Fourth Month, 1821.

Being here on my journey, I am desired to pre-
sent thee with the love of our dear friend, Nathan
Hunt, whom I expect thou wilt see in Dublin, and

196 THE LIFE OF

may add, that I feel helped on my way, as I was
favoured to be in Ireland.

lAth. — Monthly Meeting in Lurgan : this morn-
ing early before I arose, I felt a gentle stream of
Gospel truths flow in my mind for some time, some
portions of holy writ were opened in a view that I
never saw before ; when I arose, all was wiped out,
and a trying poverty succeeded, in which I se-
cretly craved that I might be spared going to
meeting ; but I had to go, and in it the waters rose
so high as to become a broad river to swim in of
new matter, what I saw in the morning not appear-
ing; sundry states were clearly opened and spoken
to, the previous baptism I passed through showed
me clearly to wThom the praise belonged, to me it
did not, for without His holy help I can do noth-
ing that is good.

Fifth Month 13th. — As I lay awake early this ■
morning I felt life spring up in my mind with this
expression, "I will be with thee wherever thou
goest," which brought thangsgiving and praise to
Him who liveth for ever. I felt myself most un-
worthy to be thus cared for, but He careth for the
sparrows, and a hair of our head falleth not to the
ground without His notice. In the meeting I was
low and poor till near the conclusion, when I felt a
little life to arise, with an invitation to come to

JOHN CONRAN. 197

Christ and learn of Him who is meek and lowly of
heart — that He being the express image of His
Father, full of grace and full of truth, what teacher
on earth can we find so capable and able to bring
us to God ? He invites us this day to learn of
Him, but the stumbling-block is in the way — His
yoke must be taken up, His cross borne, which is
the teaching of His holy Spirit, denying all ungod-
liness and worldly lusts; for He will not pour the
new wine of His heavenly kingdom into our old
bottles, all must be made new. There was a sweet
solemnity over the meeting, and under it we sepa-
rated : it may be said " He wakeneth me morning
by morning, He wakeneth my ear to hear as the
learned."

Sixth Month 5th. — Our Quarterly Meeting con-
cluded, many of the younger class attended; I
think I may say it was a favoured meeting, and
that the great Head of the church vouchsafed His
holy presence at times amongst us, and I hope
broke the bread of life, and handed it through His
instruments to the comfort and consolation of some
who were of the mourners in Zion. My baptisms
previous to this season for some weeks were trying ;
— am I forsaken ? hast thou forgotten to be gra-
cious ? But I was favoured with patience and hope
to sustain me, as upon examination, into which I
was led, I did not find any transgression brought

198 THE LIFE OF

against me. I do not remember any meeting in
which I was more helped than in this : to Him only
be the praise, who is the helper of those who put
their whole trust in Him !

Seventh Month 8th. — As I sat in meeting, a flow
of sound gospel doctrines moved in my mind, con-
nected and supported by appropriate portions of
Scripture ; but though I could subscribe in my
judgment to them as gospel truths, yet I kept still
in my retirement, not feeling the life with them
[requiring utterance], which is more than meat to
the soul that truly waits for that bread which comes
not from men, but from heaven ; for nothing but
the Spirit of God can gather to God, according to
the doctrine of our blessed Lord, that of ourselves
we can do nothing. At length life arose, and I
stood up in it, and declared the state I had been
baptized into, comparing it to that the prophet
Elijah was tried with in the mount, when the super-
natural appearances of the strong wind, the earth-
quake and the fire, passed before him. He was not
moved by them, but remained in the cave, for the
Lord was not with them. He came forth when he
heard the still small voice, wrapping his face in his
mantle, by keeping his eye steadily fixed on the
Lord, his holy Head, he was mercifully preserved
from the [delusion of the] false prophet, and re-
ceived his commission to "go and anoint," &c. 1

JOHN CONRAN. 199

had to compare the above state to that of such as
take upon themselves, and are appointed by man, as
ministers of the Gospel, not waiting for nor even
expecting the Divine unction from the Holy One to
qualify them, and so come ready prepared with
written documents compiled from the holy Scrip-
tures, which the natural man easily comprehends
and readily subscribes to, bearing in his view such a
resemblance [to his state] as face answers face in a
glass, but going away under these impressions which
are superficially made by man, he straightway for-
gets what manner of man he is. But the words of
Christ preaching in the heart are with that power
from above as reaches to the edifying of his body in
love, and the convin cement of the hearers that we
must no longer continue in sin if we expect to be
incorporated as members in Christ's body.* His
church militant on earth — and that Christ in us,
by His light and grace, is our only hope of glory.
The true gospel ministers turn the hearers to Him
as a Teacher, and from man, whose breath is in
his nostrils, and who cannot, with all his acquired
learning, make that strait in himself which is by
nature crooked, nor open his own blind eyes to see

* I have not sent these prophets, yet they ran : I have not
spoken to them, yet they prophesied. But if they had stood in
my counsel, and had caused my people to hear my words, then
they should have turned them from their evil way, and from the
evil of their doings." — Jeremiah xxiii. 21, 22.

200 THE LIFE OF

the beauty there is in holiness, and that the end
thereof is eternal life. I had to compare the
ministry of such to the three appearances which
Elijah could not acknowledge as proceeding from
God ; the earthquake to the agitations proceeding
from the natural affections of the man, which
never can produce . in any the righteousness of
God — neither that strong windy doctrine as if it
would rend the mountains and break the rocky
heart in pieces — nor was the Divine Power in the
fiery zeal which some cover their delivery in as
with a cloak — these must pass away, because they
are not from God, and the still small voice be
waited for, which always will convey certainty of
duty and our present states to the true waiter in
faith and patience.

Seventh Month 15th. — A field of offering was pre-
sented to my view at meeting on various subjects
in holy writ, and I stood up with a pretty clear
opening, and proceeded for some time, when a cloud
overshadowed me, and I paused, and the whole was
taken from me. A spirit of unbelief seemed to be
the cloud I felt, to which I had to turn, and suitable
doctrine was furnished largely to prove from Scrip-
ture the Divinity of our most blessed Lord — that
He was the Son of G<}d, and not of Joseph — and
that if we did not believe in His second coming in
Spirit, to do away sin and to finish transgression in

JOHN CONRAN. 201

those who believe in Him, such would lose the
benefit of His coming in the flesh, and remain dead
in trespasses and sins. It was a laborious exercise
I passed through, but I felt clear ; the wisdom of
man is foolishness in the sight of God !

To

Dear Friend,
It was encouraging to me to hear that any por-
tion of the manuscript I committed to the inspec-
tion of thy dear father has merited his approbation,
with that of my much valued and beloved friend,
N. H. Thou mayst trace out the way the way-
faring men have to travel ; many are the trials and
probations they have to pass through, but the Lord
delivers them out of them all ; the dross is to be
purged out, and then comes forth the vessel for the
finer. Oh ! my dear friend, the ways of God with
man in the regeneration are past his finding out ;
the changeableness of apparel they have to put on
has more colours than Joseph's coat, yet it is the
garment the beloved child has to wear ; and though
false brethren may be the means of starving and
selling the owner into bondage, nevertheless the
Lord is with him, and in His own time will deliver
him : the rod of the wicked shall not always rest on
the lot of the righteous. We may have in such
times to walk through the shadow of death, yet

202 THE LIFE OF

through faith we shall fear no evil ; His rod and
His staff shall comfort us, and we shall be led from
one degree of strength to another.

The awful situation you were placed in lately
affected me ; I may say my heart expanded in secret
thanksgiving for your preservation, and that the fire
was not suffered to kindle upon you. The same
Almighty hand which preserved the three children
was extended for your deliverance ; and I have not
any doubt but thanksgiving and praise were secretly
poured out in remembrance that His mercies, both
ancient and new, will continue for ever to those
who put their trust in Him, to those who will not
bow down to the golden image which is [as it were]
set up in the plain of Dura by spiritual Nebuchad-
nezzar. Hold on, my beloved friend, worship the
God of thy fathers in faithfulness and in truth ;
dedicate to Him the first ripe fruits of His own hus-
bandry, and sacrifice the lamb both evening and
morning, and thy works will meet with acceptance
before Him. Although that old altar upon which
many sacrifices and oblations have been previously
offered was permitted to fall to the ground, yet we
should not be too much discouraged or lay it to
heart; the Most High dwelleth not in temples
made with hands, His worship will continue the
same as before, and the temple which He dedicates
to Himself will stand whilst a man stands upon the

JOHN CONKAN. 203

earth. He never will leave Himself without a wit-
ness to celebrate His praise and to speak well of
His adorable name. I feel the tendering impres-
sions of best love at this time for thee, [and in it
desire] that thou niayst hold fast that which thou
hast received, and let no man or thing take thy
crown, which the Lord has crowned thee with in
the day of thy espousals.

J. Conran.

Eleventh Month 17th, First-day. — I had an open
time to explain some of the mysteries of godliness
as they are hidden under the types and ordinances
of the law of Moses, which the natural man cannot
explain, as he does not comprehend them, being
only and alone to be spiritually understood. The
Divine Being burying the body of Moses, the place
whereof was never found by the natural man, was
opened to my view, and expressed nearly after this
manner, — that the spirituality of the law of Moses
was buried by God under the types and figures and
ordinances, which were no more than the patterns
of the holy things themselves which were shown
unto him in the Mount, (" see that thou make all
things according to the pattern shown unto thee in
the Mount,") — these were only the shadows, the
substance of them were reserved in heaven for
Christ, who was the Prophet that was to come, to

204 THE LIFE OF

be a Lawgiver like unto Moses (" Him shall ye
hear") — the shadows did not profit them to whom
they came ; their bodies fell in the wilderness, save
a few, a remnant. But Christ being come a High
Priest of good things, by a greater and more perfect
tabernacle not made with hands, through the eter-
nal Spirit, offered Himself without spot to God, to
purge our conscience from dead works to serve the
living God. I had an open. time to declare of the
majesty and infinite power of Almighty God, dis-
played at Mount Sinai at the delivery of the law
by Moses, preceded by thunderings and lightnings,
and the sound of the trumpet exceeding loud ; the
mountain smoked as a furnace, because the Lord
descended in fire, and the mountain quaked greatly,
and the people trembled — that He is the same
to-day that He was in generations that are past,
His power the same, and can make the earthly-
minded men to tremble, if they will resist and
refuse to receive the law at His hand, and to cast
their idols of silver and gold to the moles and
the bats.

Fourth Month Ylth^ 1822. — My morning retire-
ments of late have been barren and unfruitful, I
toil and row all the night, and do not catch any-
thing, yet I persevere through heights and through
depths, hoping when the Master comes I shall be
instructed to let down the net on the right side of

JOHN CONRAN. 205

the ship : this state experimentally shows me that
without Him I cannot do any thing that is good.
I am preparing to attend the Yearly Meeting in
Dublin, perhaps by this baptism, with other dis-
tressing assaults of the enemy, which cause me to
cry out for help ; this seems sometimes long in
coming, and occasions me to call more than twice or
thrice before it comes, when my lips begin (spiri-
tually) to tremble, fearing lest my soul should not
find rest in the day of trouble. These may be
necessary preparations for humility, that we may
not take any thing to ourselves but that which be-
longs to us, shame and confusion of face.

Sixth Month 15th.— The Monthly Meeting held
in Lurgan, a very small gathering and a poor low
time ; when the meeting for discipline was about
closing, under a painful exercise I felt on account of
the meeting, (about eight or nine men) I told them
I remembered when there were sixty -three families
who were esteemed in membership, and about sixty
families not in membership, when I visited them,
the former in their houses, and the latter in three
sittings, at convenient places — that, before I had
much or any expectation of being united to Friends,
in that meeting-house I received the first feelings
impressed on my mind that my Redeemer lived,
which produced joy and rejoicing in my heart, and
broke me into many tears, and I wept aloud — that

206 THE LIFE OF

in that meeting-house, about eight years after, my
mouth was first opened in a public testimony for
that Principle of light [and life from Him,~] which
had formerly been experienced by me there, in these
expressions, " Oh ! Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that
killest the prophets," fee., " how often would I have
gathered thy children," &c, "and ye would not,
therefore your house is left unto you desolate !" —
desiring Friends to see if this prophecy was not
fulfilling, or nearly so, and I believed others
would be called in to fill their places.

2oth. — This morning early, as I lay still, some
passages of Scripture were opened in my mind in a
clearer manner than I had seen them before, they
flowed gently on, so that I compared them to Shiloh's
brook, which runs softly, and at the same time
waters and fertilizes the ground it passes through,
by increasing faith, which produces good fruits.
The wind which brought this state blew unex-
pectedly ; whence it cometh or whither it goeth, no
man, as man, knoweth. I was deeply humbled, and
poured out thanksgivings that such an one as I am
should be thus favoured; there were then, as on
other similar occasions, some of the secret things
which belong to God communicated unto me, which
are not lawful to write at this time, but are to be
laid up in the treasury till the key of David opens
and brings them forth in the newness of life. There

JOHN CONRAN. 207

is a treasury in the temple of our hearts where
these gifts are to be cast in, and not brought forth
to such whose spiritual ears have not been opened
by the finger of God ; till then they would only be
objects of curiosity to the vain mind, which being
satisfied, the remembrance of them would pass
away, and leave not a profitable trace behind:
therefore it requires the same watchful state in
which they were communicated to preserve them
inviolate, that we may not deck ourselves with our
Lord's jewels, or gratify the vain mind in others.
Ninth Month. — I attended the Quarterly Meet-
ing at Grange, near Dungannon, which was the
largest, I think I ever saw in this province. Mary
Watson was there, and ha d large service. Just before
the meeting closed, I stood up, and said that I felt
that which was better than words, comparable to the
dew descending upon the tender herb, which would
make it green and fruitful if it were permitted to rest
upon it — that I believed it was the love of God
that was thus shed over the assembly, for our en-
couragement, not to cast away our hope and confi-
dence, though we may feel in a state of desertion,
but in order to quicken us to advance, for that we
are not forsaken — desiring that we may endeavour
to carry home to our families a share of what has
been now dispensed to us, as " a piece of flesh and
a flagon of wine," that they also may be made par-

208 THE LIFE OF

takers with us. The meeting closed under a solemn
covering, and I came .home in peace.

[About this time he received a letter from John
Kirkham, of Essex, alluding so agreeably to the visit
which they paid together to the families of Friends
in Dublin, that an extract from it is here given] : —

Edinburgh, Ninth Month 28th, 1822.
" I have often remembered our visit at Dub-
lin, and still feel considerable satisfaction in the
remembrance of it ; for though it was attended with
[deep] exercise, jet, in abundant mercy, the end
thereof was peace. This thou canst say (with some
others) is that which fully repays for all ; and I
doubt not but thou wilt be pleased to hear that a
measure of this is at times the attendant of my
mind, in having now nearly finished my visit to the
dear Friends of this land. I have been as far as
Kinniuck, and returned to this city on Fifth-day
from Aberdeen. Dear John and Elizabeth YTigham,
of that city, are in tolerable health, but are getting
very infirm ; they cannot do much more in travel-
ling but to and from their own meeting. There are
a few choice Friends both at Kinmuck, Aberdeen,
and Glasgow, amongst whom I was permitted to be
comforted, which I esteem a great favour from the
holy Head of His own church and people. My
spirit salutes thee, dear friend, in kind love, and

JOHN CONRAN. 209

herein I remain very affectionately thy sincere
friend,

John Kirkham.

Eleventh Month. — The approaching Quarterly
Meeting brings to me its usual baptisms, leanness
and deeply-trying poverty. These feelings accom-
pany me mostly in the night season, when I lie for
hours awake, resigning myself up entirely to Divine
disposal, who knows best what is fitting for me, de-
siring nothing more than mercy, and that He wTould
be pleased to preserve my feet from falling into any
snare that would lessen my faith and confidence in
Him, whom I love above all things, and whose
displeasure in the least degree I dread, but at the
same time that he would not spare any thing in me
which should be done away. Thus I am travelling
on in the path which the vulture's eye hath not
seen ; the wisdom of man will not walk therein,
but the wayfaring man (though a fool as to worldly
wisdom) shall not err therein. This I esteem to
be the way cast up for the ransomed and redeemed
to walk in ; it leads to that self abasement which
puts no confidence in the flesh. This was the way
Paul was travelling in to humble him, lest he should
be exalted above measure by his visions ; the Divine
light shining in his heart, and showing to him that
in his flesh dwelleth no good thing, and so mortify-
14

210 THE LIFE OF

ing was the view, that instead of patiently dwelling
under it till it produced its full effect upon him, he
cried out twice to be relieved from it : this was a
necessary baptism, preparing to place no manner of
confidence in any thing that is short of the assist-
ance of the grace of God, immediately revealed*.
May it always be my blessed experience to be thus
baptized into a lively sense of my state and condi-
tion by nature, in which I cannot do any good
thing ; that in the Lord's own time I may be
favoured with the renewings of His holy Spirit,
which will bring with them life and immortality to
light, to the strengthening and refreshing of my
soul in God, through Jesus Christ my Lord.

In the first Month, 1823, the eldest son in this
family, residing near Dublin, was taken ill with a
fever, in which he lay above forty days, and was
attended by three doctors ; the sorrowful tidings
came here that the doctors had but little hopes of
him, which threw the family into deep distress.
That day I felt and sympathized with them very
nearly, and retiring with these impressions into my
chamber, I felt my spirit drawn forth in prayer, that
if it was consistent with the Divine will, he might
be spared, they being a family who had afforded me
shelter when I had been turned out of two houses,
and had treated me kindly. When I had ended,
this language was clearly impressed on my mind,

JOHN CONE, AN. 211

" Thy petition is granted/' My faith in it was
severely tried before it was accomplished ; for about
five weeks he was confined to his bed, and once or
twice was laid out as if he was going ; but last week
he showed such favorable symptoms that the
doctors were discharged, and his mother returned
home from attending him.

Second Month 6th, 1823. — Longbefore day-light,
I felt my mind impressed with the doctrine of per-
fection, which we maintain as a religious Society,
and is opposed by other Christian professors as im-
possible and contrary to Scripture ; whereas Scrip-
ture declares man was made in the image of God —
the impression here received was holy,harmless as to
the other parts of the animal creation, (his food be-
ing confined to the green herbs and fruits ;) he was a
stranger to every sinful appetite, worshipping God
in spirit and in truth, not having any temples made
with hands ; his union and communion was with God
— he walked with Him, he knew His voice, and fol-
lowed it. Here was a state of perfection, laid out
for man during his residence here below, had he
obeyed the Divine command ; God saw that this
state was good, and blessed it. From this by trans-
gression he fell, and introduced sin in the place
thereof, and death to this blessed state through
sin ; thereby losing the union and communion of
the Holy Spirit. *In this state of darkness and de-

212 THE LIFE OF

reliction, man found out many inventions, and set
up a form of worship, in imitation of that he had
lost, which being of his own invention, led him forth
from God to the lower creation, and he became so
darkened, that he worshipped he knew not what ;
he lost the dominion over that part of God's crea-
tion, and instead of being their lord and master, he
became their servant, and worshipped them ; he lost
the dominion of himself, and became servant to sin
and sin-pleasing pleasures, and thereby loving dark-
ness rather than the light, which condemned his evil
deeds, he found himself unable to overcome this
state, and on this ground it is that man denies an
overcoming to be attainable : whereas Christ came
into the world to put an end to sin and finish "trans-
gression in all those who are willing to deny the
corrupt nature, by daily taking up the cross and
following his holy requirings. Thus the natural
man knows not the redeeming power of Jesus
Christ, because he is not of the willing and obe-
dient who eat the good of the land ; whilst the truly
spiritual man knows these things, yea the deep
things of God ; and as the Divine Seed of light and
life abideth in him, the temptation [to sin] is seen
in the light, and the life reduces it in obedience to
the cross, and thereby freedom from sin is obtained
in proportion to the measure of Divine grace afforded
being a portion of that fulness Vhich was found in

JOHN CONEAN. 213

our dear and blessed Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
So that our freedom from spiritual Pharaoh may
be obtained by submission to Him who is a Pro-
phet and Lawgiver like unto Moses, that Moses
declared unto Israel should be raised up, and
whom they should hear.

Third Month 9th. First day. — Meeting at Moy-
allen : in this meeting I was enlarged more than
usually, w^hich has been my comfortable experience
for one or two years past, now in the eighty-fourth
year of my age, when the natural life manifests a
decay, yet the spiritual candle (or life) burns
brighter ; this was promised some time past, when
I was bemoaning my leanness after near forty year3
in the exercise of the gift bestowed upon me.

15th.— The Monthly Meeting held in Moyallen
was favoured.

18th. — Before day-light, a spring of Gospel
ministry flowed in my mind for about an hour, and
many precious truths were opened before me, to
my admiration, in such a manner as man's wisdom
never had done before to my understanding, which
caused me to praise and magnify the great and holy
Giver of every good and perfect gift ; for in Him
dwelleth knowledge, and wisdom, and understand-
ing, which man in his best and first estate cannot
comprehend nor understand. The evening and night
after the Monthly Meeting, I sat at the gate very

214 THE LIFE OF

much stripped, for the meeting had been much
favoured ; in that low estate I continued till after
meeting the next day, when this relief was afforded
to me, "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee."
The absence of Him whom my soul loveth is felt,
and leads to a jealousy lest I should have done
something that occasioned it; but when the clouds
disperse, and the sun again breaks out, though
grief may be for a night, yet joy comes in the
morning without clouds.

23rd. — First-day meeting at M. : I had to con-
tend in testimony with that spirit of infidelity which
had laid waste many in this quarter, as well as in ■
many other places, the remnant of which still is to be
found hereaway ; they hide their heads now, but the
sting is in their tails. The doubt of a virgin bring-
ing forth a son was cleared before me, in the view
of God's omnipotence, who at first created man
from the dust of the earth, and by His "Word said,
" Let there be light, and there was light" — inDavid,
He said, "I will make my first-born higher than
the kings of the earth" — He had the priority of
every other creature, being the first-born of every
creature, and the first-born from the dead; and was
the Head of the church which was named after
Him the church of the first-born, the image of the
invisible God, the fulness of whom dwelt in Him
bodily — and " to which of the angels said He at any

JOHN CONRAN. 215

time, Thou art my Son, this day have I begotten
thee? but to the Son he said, Thy throne, Oh
God ! is forever and ever," &c. If these, and many
other portions of holy writ, do not describe Him
amply as the Son of God, and not [merely] of man,
to such as do not believe them, preaching is in vain.
After meeting, there was a funeral attended by a
large gathering, [whom I reminded] that the pre-
sent opportunity bore testimony that man from the
earth was taken, and to the earth was to be re-
turned, and the soul to God, who created it, for
a purpose of glorifying Himself — the uncertainty
of our time here should aw.aken us to the consi-
deration how we are prepared to appear before the
judgment-seat of Christ, to render an account of
the deeds done in our bodies — if we have done
well, the answer will be, "Well done, enter thou
into the joy of thy Lord;" if the contrary, "De-
part from me, ye workers of iniquity !" There was
a solemnity over the large gathering, and peace
was the covering of my mind. After dinner, I
walked into the garden, and as I walked musing,
my lips were opened, as if a hand had done it, by
the Spirit of prayer and supplication in vocal words
of thanksgiving and praise, and humble acknow-
ledgments of manifold mercies and kindnesses re-
• ceived from him who liveth and reigneth for ever,
God blessed for ever and ever. Amen.

216 THE LIFE OF

Fourth Month 9th.— My attention has lately been
occupied by [the consideration] of the rest which
is prepared for the people of God: this is, I believe,
generally understood to be eternal in the heavens.
There is a rest to be found in this life, reserved only
and alone for God's people, those who are willing
to enter therein, resting from their own labours as
God rested from His. When our eyes are anointed
and Divinely opened, we shall see in the light, which
then shines in our dark hearts, that our works of
righteousness, in which we have taken up our rest,
and from which we hoped to reap eternal life, were
the works of man, which never did or can produce
the righteousness that God will accept. Nothing
can bring the soul of man to God but the Spirit of
God ; our blessed Lord spoke positively that of our-
selves we can do nothing, and that without His
Divine aid our own works will avail nothing. The
young man who came to Christ, pleading his right-
eousness from his youth up, and asking what else
he lacked, stumbled at the cross, would not follow
Christ further, but went away sorrowful. And
Paul, who was faultless in the observations of an
outward profession of religion, when the light from
heaven shone around him, he counted his former
works of righteousness but as dross and dung, which
could not profit him, so that he might gain the
spiritual knowledge of Christ. These are some of

JOHN CONE, AN. 217

the mysteries of godliness, which are hid with God,
and only can be revealed by his beloved Son, for
whom are all things, and in whom the fulness of
wisdom dwells— "the Lord our righteousness !"
He worketh in us those things which we cannot
do for ourselves — if we be willing and obedient,
we shall eat the good of the land.

18tfA. — The monthly Meeting being appointed to
be held at Rathfriland, and the weather very bois-
terous, discouraged me very much, so that in my
retirement I sought to be released from the con-
cern to attend it, pleading my old age, and the
desire I felt to go to the ensuing Yearly Meeting,
in which I might be disappointed by taking cold
now ; I was quickly answered in these expressions,
" Let him who has two coats impart to him who
has none," which immediately silenced me. This
meeting was raised up near eighty years since, or
more, by convincement, but is at present in a very
low state, and their number very small. After a
deep exercise, I was engaged in a close testimony
— I hope in that love which flows from the Foun-
tain of all true love — endeavouring to stir them up
from that lukewarm state which shut them out from
the Divine strength. Through favour I got home
safely, and thankful that I was strengthened to
go and fulfil the requiring — He is strength in
weakness, and riches in poverty !

218 THE LITE OF

Sixth Month 21th. — I have been for some time
past a mourner in Zion, travelling heavily on, be-
moaning myself and my situation among a people
of unclean lips — my dwelling in the cottage in the
vineyard — no fellow-traveller to travel with me ;
yet the language of my spirit has been " Not my
will, but thine, Oh Lord ! be done." I was made
willing to bear my portion of His righteous indig-
nation, as Ezekiel had to lie 390 days on one side
for the [iniquity of the] house of Israel, and forty
days on the other side for the sin of Judah.

Seventh Month 4:th. — Week-day meeting here, to
me it was a night season ; I rowed on, but caught
nothing — I rested on my oar, believing the Lord
was present, though I did not perceive him: I
came away in peace and not disconsolate. In bed
this night or early in the morning, as I lay awake,
I felt the Day-spring from on high to descend three
times at intervals very unexpectedly, which brought
me into a reverend frame of silent waiting, not feel-
ing any communication to attend it ; I bowed in
thankfulness, acknowledging the unmerited conde-
scension of the great and good Giver !

13th. — First-day meeting- at Moyallen ; a very
small beginning, through faith increased to a
favoured opportunity. The promised increase is
fulfilled beyond my expectation, which is a comfort
to my old age ; my faith is strong in the Lord, and

JOHN CONRAN. 219

my trust is in His might ; thankful I am that I am
often favoured to feel the sentence of death in my-
self, that I may not trust in myself, but in the living
God who raiseththe dead, and His own works praise
Him. There has been much labour bestowed on this
meeting, but with sorrow I say there is little or no
visible signs even of the buddings of good, much less
of fruit after so much labour. Zion, hereaway, if
she is redeemed from the evil of her way, it must be
(I believe) through judgment, for I apprehend from
the increasing neglect of religious meetings and the
low times experienced when the few meet together,
that there is rather a return to bondage than travel-
ling on to the promised land. I believe this to be
my allotted place ; therefore though I mourn, as
Baruch did, that the Lord hath seen meet to add
grief to my sorrow, yet I endeavour to confide in
a similar promise to him — that my life shall be
given me for a prey in every land where I shall go.

John Conran to Henry Hull.

Moyallen, Eighth Month, 1823.
My Dear Friend,
I received thy agreeable favour of Sixth Month
2nd, conveying comfortable intelligence of thyself
and family, which is truly satisfactory to me. I do
not doubt but it will be equally pleasing to thee to
understand by the present opportunity that I am

220 THE LIFE OF

still ^continued, in the natural as well as in the
spiritual struggling for life, with which I humbly
hope I am mercifully favoured. I am now eighty-
four years of age, and my health and strength of
body equal to attend some of our meetings in this
province, and I was at our last Yearly Meeting in
Dublin, which I think was acknowledged by our
great and good Master. I send thee a paper which
will explain itself, in order to show thee that my
thoughts are still engaged for Zion's prosperity,
and that my wish is that peace may be within her
walls, and prosperity within her palaces ; this has
been (I trust) my concern these fifty years, that I
have been engaged in His service. I need not
praise it to thee, who has so often and to my know-
ledge experienced His bounty ; His faithful servants
always bear this testimony, that He is the best of
masters, it is the idle and slothful who call Him
" an austere man." He has not cast me off in my
old age as not worthy of my food and raiment ;
thanks be to Him, He gives me a sufficiency of
both, which He was pleased to promise, that my
allowance should not be abridged in my latter
days, and this is fulfilled, with a hope that the
end will crown all.

I have been at times tried in cloudy seasons,
[with the query] how we as a Society, could pos-
sibly be [of] the church militant here on earth,

JOHN CONRAN. 221

v/hen I have painfully had to behold the impure
mixture which compose it ; the doctrines are as
high as men can bear — to believe in the Light, and
to walk in it, is to walk with God, as Enoch did
of old — it translated him, and would translate us
from earth to heaven, from being earthly-minded
to be heavenly-minded. These considerations at
times have brought serious reflections whether the
church has not again retired into the wilderness,
and that we only hold the doctrines, the sub-
stance being gone ; but this has only occurred in
my humiliations, under which I have kept silence,
and have not inquired after so many living evidences
in myself, as well as in other servants, " Art thou
he that should come, or look we for another ?"
But my bow abode in strength, the arms of my
hands wrere made strong through the mighty Gro4
of Jacob, and therefore the armies of the aliens
were put to flight ; and in compassion to my
weakness, the enclosed was opened to me, as it
may inform thee ; I send it, not to take anything
to myself, but my desert, shame and confusion of
face, and my motive in sending it is that I be-
lieve it will gratify thee to find thy former fellow-
labourer is not standing idle, looking on other
men's labours, but is still endeavouring to fill up
the day's work, in order to get the penny at last.
My sight is much impaired, otherwise

222 THE LIFE OF *

but little room to complain. With affectionate
regards to thyself, thy dear companion, and chil-
dren, I subscribe myself thy truly affectionate
brother and friend,

J. C.
I still lodge in Moyallen, my son lives in the
bounds of Moate meeting with his wife and chil-
dren, a farmer.

Tenth Month 20th. — This clay eighty-four years
I was born in Dublin — many trials and probations
I have passed through since" in order to prove me
and fashion me to the present shape I am formed
into ; I may say I have passed from death to life,
through the unsearchable mercies of God, who
plucked my feet out of the mire of sin, and the clay
oi worldly pursuits, and has set them upon the Rock
which followed Israel of old, and is the Rock of
ages, and of the just and righteous of the present
generation ; and He has put a new song into my
mouth, to praise and magnify Him who liveth
and reigneth for ever and for evermore, God
blessed for ever ! Amen.

JOHN CON RAN. 223

CHAPTEE VIII.

1824. VARIOUS EXERCISES AND OPENINGS IN SCRIP-
TURE DOCTRINE — CONCLUSION OF HIS JOURNAL —
TESTIMONY OF THE MONTHLY MEETING OF LIS-
BURN CONCERNING HIM.

Second Month, 1824. — I returned from B. after
a week's absence; in one of the meetings- there I
had to address some whose lamp was gone out,
and they were sensible of it, that they were not
prepared to answer the awful summons if it should
come whilst they were in this situation ; I said I
believed this impression was made on their minds
by Him who willeth not the death of any, for His
gracious will is that all who have erred and strayed
from His heavenly sheep-fold should return, repent,
and live ; and therefore I recommended it as the
loving mercy of God in Christ Jesus, to awaken
them from that sleep of forgetfulness, which if con-
tinued in much longer might terminate in death.
A solemn stillness covered the meeting, and I be-
lieved the state was reached. I was invited to
spend an evening at their house, but did not go —

224 THE LIFE OF

if any good is performed, let it be the Lord's work,
and not man's.

[During this latter period of his life, he appears
in his early waking hours, or other seasons of re-
tirement, when prostrated in awful silence before
God, to have often been favoured with a flow of
Scripture doctrine, which was spiritually explained
to his understanding in a remarkable manner, so as
to fill him with humble admiration and grateful
praise; he frequently committed these passages,
with the heads of their explanations to writing,
whilst fresh in his memory, and on one of these
occasions remarks how suddenly these Divine open-
ings were closed, as if a person had been reading to
him in a book, which was afterwards shut, and the
communications which had been in the Divine light
ceased, adding] not one sentence I think could I
remember a few minutes after, I could not read any
more in that book, neither did I attempt it, but
abode in the quiet submission. The cause assigned
to me this morning for it is, to convince me from
whence these openings proceeded ; if from my own
judgment, meditations, or compiling, they would
not have been so suddenly obliterated as never till
latterly to make the least appearance on my recol-
lection, as other circumstances have done. The
Scriptures are a sealed book to the natural man,
and none can break the seals but the Lion of the

JOHN C ONE AN. 225

tribe of Judah, whom his own works do praise.
[At another time he says], These seasons [of Hea-
venly good] have appeared to me as somewhat of
what Paul alludes to in the passage c<fhcerning
"the washing of regeneration and the renewings of
the Holy Ghost," and are thus at times permitted
for the strengthening and refreshing of our souls in
our weary travail and deep baptisms, lest we should
faint by the way ; they would be to us as the brook
was to Elijah, who having drunk thereof, travelled
in that strength, in the bitterness of his spirit (bap-
tism), till he came to the mount of God, where he
heard the voice of God commissioning and appoint-
ing him to further services in the church ; under
which refreshment his strength and faith were re-
newed to resist the appearances of the fire, the
earthquake, and the strong wind — to know the
still small voice, and to follow its requirings — sub-
mitting to the necessary baptisms for a minister.

Seventh Month 21st — As I satin retirement this
forenoon, I was led to contemplate some of the pri-
vileges attendant on a membership in the militant
church ; this is that body of which Christ is the high
and holy Head,from whom the members receive their
nourishment, and qualification for use and service in
it. Some receive five talents, some three, and some
one, which when occupied with, [even by such as
seem as the uncomely parts of the body] more abun-

15

226 THE LIFE OF

dant honour is bestowed : when these are called forth
to exercise their talent in the life and power of the
Gospel, the beholders will clearly perceive that they
"know n©t letters," and their education has been low
and mean — from whence then proceeds this flow of
words so fitly spoken, and well applied to the truths
of the Gospel and the mysteries typified in the law ?
not from school learning, it is evident — they must
therefore against their will be compelled to acknow-
ledge that the same Teacher who taught the disciples
in the beginning, taught them, and that they had
been in the school of Christ — after this manner
more abundant honour is conferred. This may be
encouraging to [such as are comparable to] the
ram's horns in the hand of the great High Priest,
which were instrumental formerly, we may remem-
ber, to bring down the walls of Jericho, the first con-
quest made on the other side Jordan, and should
encourage the one talented not to lightly esteem
the smallness of their gift, and to remember, that
man is not to live by bread alone, but by every
word which proceeds from the mouth of God.

From Richard Cockin to John Coxran.

Doncaster, Eleventh Month 9th, 1824.

My beloved Friend,
Thy cordially acceptable salutation, dated Fifth
Month 11th, claimed an earlier proof than the pre-

JOHN CONRAN. 227

sent, that it afforded us much pleasurable satisfac-
tion to receive another letter from thee, although it
was at the same time accompanied by a considerable
drawback, on account of thy increasing disability
for letter writing which was so manifest ; it was
however, an occasion of rejoicing to us, in having
again to observe, that the best things remain upper-
most with thee, and that spiritual greenness con-
tinues to be the clothing of thy mind. It was also
very pleasant to us to hear that thou hadst again
been enabled to attend the Yearly Meeting [in
Dublin], and to mingle in exercise with thy friends
in endeavouring to promote the best interests of
our Society, of which thou wast so kind as to give
us an interesting account : so that notwithstanding
bodily weakness is becoming thy enfeebling atten-
dant, yet thy love to thy friends, and to the precious
cause of Truth, appears to remain unabated — which
I regard as a certain evidence, that thy spiritual
health is preserved in a quickened lively state ; and
this, my dear friend, I trust will be continued to
the end, so as that thou mayst have to adopt the
consoling language of the apostle, " I have fought
a good fight, I have finished my course, I have
kept the faith, henceforth there is laid up for me
a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the
righteous Judge, shall give me."

How cheeringly animating is the prospect, when

228 THE LIFE OF

a portion of that living faith is vouchsafed, which
enables the tribulated traveller Zionwards, to afresh
thank God and take courage — raayst thou, my be-
loved friend, witness thy spiritual strength so re-
plenished with faith and confidence in Almighty
sufficiency, that as thy bodily powers are increas-
ingly feebler, thy mind may be sustained, as with
an anchor sure and stedfast. It may be permitted
to thee, as it is the lot of many other travellers,
to be tried at seasons, with discouraging impres-
sions, yea at times fears, doubts, and enfeebling
reasonings may be the depressing feeling of the
poor mind, when the enemy may assail us with
renewed attempts, to weaken our trust and con-
fidence in the redeeming power of the Saviour of
men ; so that there is still need for us to watch and
pray lest we enter into temptation, and so long as
we are clothed with humanity, so long there appears
a necessity for us to endeavour to have our minds
centred in a state of humble dependence on Al-
mighty sufficiency for preservation.

We could wish to be affectionately remembered
to T. C. and J. Wakefield and children, &c, with
other dear friends at Lisburn — it is very grateful to
my feelings, to witness the Sowings of near regard
sweetly attract my mind towards our dear friends
in Ireland, to many of whom we are united in the
bond of religious fellowship ; under the continued

JOHN CONRAN. 229

feeling thereof to thyself, in which my E. C. very
cordially unites, I remain thy nearly united and
tenderly sympathizing friend, and brother in the
Truth,

Richard Cockin.

Uleventh Month 20th. — This morning long before
daylight, as I lay mourning over the state I felt
both in temporals and spirituals, I remembered the
comforts I had enjoyed, when I possessed a domestic
establishment, an affectionate wife and children, a
house and land, a sufficiency to support them, with
other enjoyments. When I contrasted these with
my present situation, my wife removed, my only
daughter suddenly taken, my son over whom I have
often lamented, with his children far distant, and I
a lodger in another's house, being houseless, and
not one foot of land to call my own, not a relation
near to me to close my eyes in a time, perhaps
near at hand — these and many more discouraging
reflections similar, weighed me down, besides a
stripped state of mind. Under the exercise which
these produced, I cried, "I am desolate,'' — when
these words were quickly impressed on my mind,
t; On a Rock" — it was the voice of the Comforter,
who said " that Rock was Christ !" Comfort fol-
lowed, with thanksgiving and resignation !

First Month 3Qth, 1825. — I awoke this morning

230 THE LIFE OF

before daylight, and after some time I was intro-
duced into silence, and into the school of Christ,
"where for upwards of an hour, I was taught won-
derful things out of his law, some of which I believe
I had not ever known before ; this caused me
humbly to be prostrated before Him, and to confess
that He is the Wonderful Counsellor, in whom alone
was and is the power and ability for every good
word and work. Being First-day, in meeting I
was clothed spiritually with sackcloth and ashes,
but after sitting in this state near an hour and a
half, I felt the necessity to move forward, and
after some wading, a large field of offering opened
before me, much to my comfort and instruction.

Second Month loth. — This morning I was intro-
duced into that school, wherein is taught the hidden
mysteries of godliness, to those only who have their
ear opened to hear them, and are found waiting in
the temple. Much instruction in heavenly things
passed through my mind, in the newness of life.
The language of mankind was confused at Babel
because they attempted to save themselves, by their
own wisdom and understanding, from a return of
the waters, they trusted not to that preservation
which had so far repeopled the world, but would
be independent of it. God saw the work of men's
hands that it was foolishness, therefore frustrated
it by confounding their language, which scattered

JOHN CON KAN. 231

them over the face of the earth. This confusion of
language has continued to this day, and their build-
ing, instead of being to them as a tower that would
reach to heaven, never raised them higher than
earthly things : in this state the natural man is
found at this time, not being able by his own
strength or wisdom, to reach to that purity of lan-
guage which was lost, in which God can be accep-
tably and truly worshipped as God, and which can
only be recovered by the instructions and teachings
of the Holy Ghost. From this state of confusion,
proceed the many modes of worship in the world,
in which very many may be said to worship, they
know not what ; some in their prayer call God their
Father, when their works plainly show whose chil-
dren they are— they call Him their Lord and Master,
and disobey His righteous commands every clay —
they pray for forgiveness of their sins, on the terms
of forgiving the trespasses of those who sin against
them, and they will not forgive any a small trespass,
who have trespassed against them, but cast them off
till they pay the last farthing — they call heavenly
things bitter, which are found to be sweet to the spi-
ritual worshipper — and the light of the world, which
is the spiritual appearance of Jesus Christ in man, '
showing to him what is good and the evil of his
ways, (for, " that which maketh manifest is Light,")
many say this is man's natural faculty, and some a

232 THE LIFE OF

remainder of his first estate before he fell ; "when
the Divine Judge condemned him. that in the day
that he eat of the forbidden fruit, he should surely
die. Thus was the language corrupted from that
purity in which it was taught by God, when man
was in the pure image of his Creator, when he could
by the aid and assistance of the Holy Spirit, give
names to all cattle, and the fowls of the air, and to
every beast of the field. But after the fall, the
wisdom of man, (the fruit of the forbidden tree)
found out many inventions, corrupted the language
that was Divinely taught, and introduced the pre-
sent confusion of tongues, which cannot be brought
back to its original purity, but by submitting to and
obeying the teachings of the Holy Ghost, without
which influence no man can call God his Father, or
Christ his Lord, (1 Cor. xii. 3.) ; nor can any man,
but by the same Spirit know who the Son is but the
Father, nor who the Father is but the Son, and
those to whom the Son reveals Him. This know-
ledge is denied by some churches, saying that reve-
lation has ceased, that the Scriptures contain all
that is necessary for salvation ; the above text
proves, I think, the necessity of revelation. " To
know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ
whom thouhastsent is life eternal." We may gain
a knowledge of the Scriptures by reading, or tradi-
tion from our parents, and be equal to Apollos, who

JOHN COKEAN. 233

was mighty in the Scriptures, and from thence
preached Jesus Christ in the synagogues boldly ;
yet he was not hereby baptized with Christ's bap-
tism, nor received as a minister in Christ's church,
till the (spiritual) way of God was taught him
more perfectly. I believe the Scriptures are the
words of God, given by Him to mankind by in-
spiration, through holy men of old — that they are
a handmaid to the Holy Spirit, conveying to those,
who will receive their testimony, the mind and
will of God.

Fifth Month 18th.— The Quarterly Meeting ap-
proaching, and my accustomed preparation for it
trying baptisms, poverty, and discouragement — the
Comforter not come — my sight failed, and little
hope of a revival — yet not so far deserted as the
prophet Habakkuk, whose faith did not fail under
greater privations. Lord, help my faith, and give
me to remember when thy candle shone upon my
head, and caused me to rejoice in hope that though
cast down I was not forsaken — praises be to thy
holy Name !

Eighth Month lith. — I have been for some weeks
past under a particular dispensation, a recollection
of several incidents of my former life, and which
had passed under judgment and condemnation, unto
pardon ; the remembrance was so fresh, that it re-
quired an almost constant watch to exclude them.

234 THE LIFE OF

This dispensation brought me under a trying humi-
liation, so that I was often ready and desirous to
give up a service of which I felt myself altogether
unworthy, and when engaged in it, was so feeble,
that I generally was brief and discouraged. This
appears to me a state the apostle experienced, when
he said nothing belonged to him but shame and
confusion of face. I have been greatly abased,
though mercifully preserved from yielding up my
crown ; but through all God was magnified, that
His mercy had preserved me, for to Him alone the
praise is due. It may be a preparatory baptism for
the ensuing Quarterly Meeting, [and if so] I am
satisfied to abide under its continuance, desiring
that the Lord will not pity, nor His hand spare,
till His holy hand has formed and fashioned me to
wThat He would have me to be. My Lord and
Master cried out on the cross, " Why hast thou
forsaken me V I have in similar and lesser circum-
stances, cried out in like manner, but did not feel
any condemnation, therefore I am encouraged to
hold on my way, hoping to be enabled to do so,
unto the end of the race, which is not gained by
the swift, but those who hold out to the end will
gain the prize. Herein the creaturely part is cru-
cified, and the Lord magnified, because His mercy
has endured so long. I believe I may say with the
apostle, " I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I

JOHN CONRAN. 235

live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me," and the
life I now live is not according to the flesh, but in
my measure according to the blessed will of the
dear Son of God, and to Him is the praise and
thanksgiving, now and for ever. Amen.

Written by myself who am almost blind, J. C.

[Many of his latter memoranda were written by
a kind friend from dictation.]

Eighth Month 23d. — Memory is sound — I
must say farewell to sublunary enjoyments, and
wait my approaching [end], which I do by night
and by day, not trusting to any works of righteous-
ness of my own, but to the mercies of God through
Christ Jesus.

Twelfth Month 20th. — Last First-day I was at
our meeting here, which to me was remarkably hard,
a spirit of unbelief to a great degree was felt by
me, which shut me up for near two hours, a small
share of relief was afforded, but the cloud which had
been broken, soon again closed and the light was
obscured. In the evening after reading the Scrip-
tures in the family, we had a time of solid retire-
ment, which fully recompensed for the trials in the
meeting ; the wing of Divine love was felt by me to
overshadow us, and under the shadow, I hope we
were made to rejoice, in our several measures in

236 THE LIFE OF

solemn silence, which continued during the remain-
der of the opportunity. Under this baptism my
mind was impressed with this language, " Thy sins
and thy iniquities are no more remembered, I have
cast them out behind me;" this I could not em-
brace as being my state and condition, and that
the voice that I heard, was the voice of Him whom
my soul loveth, being often of late baptized into a
recollection of my former manner of life, which led
me to say that it is of the Lord's mercy that I was
not consumed. In this frame of mind I continued
to look from this opening, till it was repeated three
or four times, when peace was solemnly proclaimed
in my heart, and was the seal that closed it. Thus
I believe, we are at times mercifully favoured with
a degree of that hope, that the Lord knoweth them
that are His. The foundation of the just and
righteous of all generations cannot fail, and those
who build their hopes thereon shall experience that,
though the winds may blow and the rains descend,
it will stand. A holy confidence was raised in my
mind, which caused me reverently to bow before the
Great and Good Giver of it, and to praise and
give thanks to Him who is worthy of it, and who
liveth and reigneth for ever.

Painful have been my days, and wearisome have
been my nights, in waiting for the arising of the
Sun of righteousness, who I think has delayed His

JOHN CONRAN, 237

coming, which is a trial of my faith and patience ;
but as all His ways are wisdom, and past our find-
ing out, I endeavour to submit thereto, and ac-
knowledge my unworthiness, of the favours hith-
erto bestowed upon me, and strive to be con-
tent with the small share of light still vouchsafed.

Fifth Month 14th, 1826.— I returned from the
Yearly Meeting in Dublin: it was pretty well
attended, and in some of the [sittings we were
owned by the] Master of our assemblies, which
was an encouragement to His faithful ones ; I
was favoured with a little help to get through
what was laid upon me, to my satisfaction, and
returned in peace.

26th. — This morning early I was favoured to
experience the Shepherd's voice, opening and
wonderfully expounding many different passages
of holy Scripture, which led me to praise and mag-
nify His adorable mercy in condescending to visit
and communicate with such a poor mortal as I am.
These communications are frequent, which I may
call the renewings of the Holy Ghost, to strengthen
and refresh the wreary traveller, and [in them I
recognize] the union and communion of the saints,
which our first parents enjoyed in Eden — blessed
union and communion, through obedience to the
grace of the Holy Spirit !

Tenth Month 1st — As I sat still this morning

238 THE LIFE OF

after breakfast, this language passed [livingly]
through my mind, " Rejoice and be exceeding glad,
for there is a place prepared for thee in my king-
dom— and proceed as hitherto in secret prayer
and silent waiting, and thou shalt not be puffed
up by whatsoever may be committed to thee."

Twelfth Month 15th. — I am daily waiting my
change, having only the mercies of God to trust to.

1827. — I am daily waiting in the temple, if I
may be favoured to hear this joyful summons,
" Enter thou into the joy of thy Lord," where the
wicked cease to trouble, and my weary spirit I
trust will experience rest.

[These appear to be the last words recorded in
John Conran's Journal, and in a hand almost ille-
gible, he being nearly blind ; but he continued to
attend meetings, even sometimes at the distance of
fourteen miles, as long as his bodily strength per-
mitted it, so great was his desire to wait with his
friends for the arising of the heavenly Power of
Christ therein, and to be found faithfully occupying
with the gift mercifully bestowed upon him, often
saying, as an incentive to a more perfect dedication
of mind and body, u I serve the Best of masters,
who, I can testify from long and precious experi-
ence, withholds no good thing from those who faith-

JOHN CONRAN. 239

fully serve and obey Him." The following extract
from the Testimony concerning him drawn up by
the Friends of Lurgan Monthly Meeting will show
how he was engaged with the same zeal in the last
meeting he attended, being the day previous to his
death] : — With affecting energy, he closely pressed
Friends to faithfulness and diligence in attending
the meetings for worship and discipline, saying,
the parable of the great supper had deeply im-
pressed his mind, by which he was instructed to
believe that no excuse, however plausible, would
be taken for neglecting those important duties ; for
none, he thought, could be more reasonable than
were mentioned, wherein one having bought a
piece of ground, it was but prudent for him to see
it before paying for it — another, five yoke of oxen,
which it was only reasonable he should be per-
mitted to prove before he paid the puchase-money
— whilst a third had married a wife and could not
come, having thereby necessarily undertaken to
provide for a family, especially as he is declared
to be worse than an infidel who provides not for
his own. Then mourning over those who were
not sensible of their situation, and of the great sal-
vation offered to all, he said, " I now again tell you
what I have so often declared that ' other foun-
dation can no man lay than -is laid, which is Jesus
Christ.' " Then warned all to be careful of neglect-

240 THE LIFE OF

ing calls from Heaven, and by the servants sent as
messenger after messenger, testifying, "Behold all
things are ready,' ' for should they continue to do
so, the children's seats at the Lord's table would
be filled by others, who beholding the Light,
would flock as doves confined in a room to the
windows ; adding, he was made thankful in being
assured that Light had already broken forth and
the day had dawned ; and when about to resume
his seat, he advanced and said, " For thus having
been permitted to live to see this day, I praise,
honour, and magnify my God!"

JOHN CON RAN. 241

THE TESTIMONY

Of the Monthly Meeting of Lisburn concerning
our dear friend, John Conran, late of Moy~
alien, deceased.

Although this our beloved friend resided for
some years previously to his decease within the
compass of another Meeting, we find ourselves en-
gaged to bear a testimony respecting him, having
been for the greater part of his life a member of our
Monthly Meeting, and many of us having partaken
of the benefits of his religious labours.

By a manuscript of his own, it appears that he
was born in the city of Dublin, in the year 1739, of
parents professing with the Church of England ;
being in easy circumstances, they gave him a pretty
liberal education, having placed him at school at
Ballitore, where he remained until fit for business,
and was then apprenticed to a person in the linen
trade at Lisburn. In this situation, he had more
liberty than hitherto, and being a good deal ex-
posed to unsuitable company, was led into many of
the dissipations incident to youth ; for which, how-
ever, it appears he was soon brought under condem-
16

242 THE LIFE OF

nation, and was thereby induced frequently to look
inward, under a belief that that which may be
known of God is manifest within ; to use his own
expressions, " his secret breathings began to be
after God," he became more diligent in his attend-
ance of public worship, and zealous in the perfor-
mance of the rites and ceremonies of the profession
in which he had been educated. The continued
observation of some of these not producing the
good effects he had anticipated, he was led, after
the lapse of a few years, to look for something
more substantial, and secretly cried for deliverance.
Sin became a heavy burthen ; he gradually forsook
the pleasurable amusements in which he had been
in the practice of indulging, sat much alone, and
in reading the Holy Scriptures, they were often
made a means of comfort to his tabulated mind ;
his desire after stillness and retirement increasing,
he was led into a dependence on Divine instruction.
The work of religion having thus commenced in
good earnest, and his heart prepared for the recep-
tion of the Word of Life, he was reached, about
the thirty-third year of his age, in an extraordinary
manner, under the ministry of Robert Willis, a
Friend from America, in a Quarterly Meeting of
Friends at Lurgan, into which he had gained
admittance, although not a member.

Notwithstanding he was on terms of intimacy

JOHN CO Nil AN, 243

■with several individuals of our Society, he had pre-
conceived a disrelish to our principles ; but his views
were now completely changed, and, under a firm
conviction of the rectitude of the proceeding, he
soon afterwards fully embraced the doctrines and
views of Friends, not, however, without passing
through many deep conflicts of spirit on this account,
and in the retrospect of his former course of life,
which was often brought before the view of his
mind, attended with a conviction of Divine judg-
ment for transgression ; thus having experienced
the terrors of the Lord for sin, he afterwards be-
came willing to persuade men. ■

In the year 1780, our dear friend first appeared
in the ministry in a meeting at Lurgan, and con-
tinuing faithful to the pointings of duty, he became
an acceptable and able minister of the Grospel.
Deeply impressed with the solemnity of the nature
of the engagement, he was concerned in the exercise
of his gift, to move under the influence of the Holy
Anointing ; and thus abiding in watchfulness and
humility, and in reverent waiting and dependence
on the Lord alone, his communications were fre-
quently attended with a sense of the baptizing power
of our Holy Head and High Priest ; and although
often but short, were weighty and powerful. Skilful
in dividing the word aright, he ministered caution,
counsel, and reproof to the disobedient and un-

244 THE LIFE OF

faithful, as well as comfort, consolation, and confir-
mation to the tried and drooping mind, and to such
as were seeking the way to the kingdom. Often
deeply experiencing a state of inward poverty and
want, he was eminently qualified to minister to this
condition in others.

In the exercise of the discipline of our Society,
our dear friend was conspicuously useful. Zealously
concerned for the support of our religious testi-
monies in their ancient simplicity and purity, and
for the preservation of our members in soundness of
principle and consistency of practice,he was enabled,
by the aid of divine Grace, to stand with Christian
firmness against that spirit of infidelity which, at
one period, was so prevalent, and caused the defec-
tion of many in these parts from the standard of
Truth. This was a time of great conflict to his
mind, but he was favoured to be preserved in steady
adherence to the cause he had espoused, and em-
boldened to testify his belief in the efficacy of the
redeeming power of Christ Jesus our Lord, and
that it is " not by works of righteousness which we
have done, but according to His mercy He saveth
us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing
of the Holy Ghost." Through all, he evinced that
his chief desire was to be found faithful in the
commission he had received, and a good steward
of the manifold Grace of God.

JOHN CO NBA N. 245

In the diligent attendance of our meetings for
worship and discipline, our beloved friend was a
bright example, and frequently much exercised on
account of those amongst us who were deficient in
this respect. He laboured fervently to impress
upon the minds of all the necessity of not conform-
ing to the spirit of the world, illustrating by exam-
ple the doctrine which he preached, by sacrificing
every thing of a secular nature that might have
stood in the way of his performing those religious
duties which he believed incumbent on him.

In the year 1805, our dear friend was deprived
by death of an amiable wife ; a woman of a truly
pious disposition, and tenderly beloved by her hus-
band. This, with some other domestic afflictions
of a peculiarly trying nature, which were subse-
quently his portion, he was enabled to bear with
Christian resignation and fortitude.

Of late years he did not travel much in the work
of the ministry out of the compass of his own
Quarterly Meeting ; he had, with very little excep-
tion, been constant in his attendance of the Half-
year's Meeting, and subsequently of the Yearly
Meeting in Dublin, up to the year in which his
decease occurred, and several times attended the
Yearly Meeting in London. It appears also that
he paid repeated visits to the meetings of Friends
in most parts of this nation ; nearly the last en-

246 THE LITE OF

gagement of an extensive nature in this way, was
in the year 1810, when he visited the families of
Friends in Waterford and Clonmel, and having
been afterwards joined by Henry Hull, a Friend
from America, then on a religious visit to Friends
in Ireland, they were unitedly engaged in a similar
service in some other places. In the autumn of
1819, being then nearly eighty years of age, he
united with John Kirkham, a Friend from Eng-
land, in paying a religious visit to the families of
Friends of Dublin, much to the satisfaction of his
friends, and the peace of his own mind.

In giving forth this testimony to the life, labours,
and services of our departed friend, we desire not
to exalt the creature, but to magnify and extol that
Divine Power, by whose grace he has often been
heard to declare, " that he was what he was," and
that "to him belonged nothing but shame and con-
fusion of face." He was a man of weighty spirit
and deep in religious experience ; being possessed
of a good understanding and a sound and deliberate
judgment, his advice was often sought for by his
friends in matters of importance. Thus it may be
indeed said, he was truly useful and honourable in
his day, and many of us have had cause to rejoice
that he was raised up amongst us. Great was his
travail of spirit for the welfare of Zion, and the en-
largement of her borders — many were the conflicts

JOHN CONRAN. 247

he endured on account of the desolations in our
Society, yet he was often permitted to rejoice in
the belief, that although he might not live to wit-
ness it, a day was approaching in which the cause
of truth and righteousness would more generally
prevail, and in which many would flock to its stand-
ard, as doves to the windows.

During his long and useful life he had been
favoured to enjoy almost an uninterrupted state of
good health, which with the possession of his
mental faculties remained with him nearly to the
end, although it was evident that his natural
strength was gradually on the decline. His re-
moval was rather unexpected, and quite sudden;
nevertheless we have good ground to believe, that,
as he had not deferred a preparation for eternity
to that solemn hour, he was ready for the awful
summons ; and although we feel our loss to be great,
we have no cause to mourn on his account, but
rather to rejoice that in the abundant mercy of
our Heavenly Father, through the mediation of
His beloved Son, our Holy Redeemer, this our
dear friend is now, we trust, enjoying in the full
fruition of immortal bliss, the reward of dedication
to the service of his God, and that as he continued
to the last in firm but humble reliance on that
Divine Mercy which had accompanied him through
life, the same merciful Power, we reverently be-
lieve, Was his support in the hour of dissolution,

248 THE LIFE OF JOHN COX RAN.

and became his conductor through the region and
shadow of death into that city whose walls are sal-
vation, and whose gates are praise.

He departed this life at Moyallen, on the 16th
day of the Sixth Month, 1827, in the 88th year
of his age, and about the 48th of his ministry.
His remains were interred in Friends' burying-
ground at Lisburn, on the 18th day of the same
month, having been accompanied to the grave by
a large number of Friends and others, upon which
occasion a meeting was held, wherein the solemniz-
ing influence of the Power of Truth was felt to
predominate.

Given forth in the Monthly Meeting of Lisburn,
held there the loth day of the Eleventh
Month, 1827, and signed therein by a number
of men and women Friends.
Read and approved in the Quarterly Meeting
for the Province of Ulster, held at Lurgan,
the 3rd of Twelfth Month, 1827, and signed
in and on behalf thereof, by

Thomas Christy Wakefield,

Clerk to the Men 8 Meeting.
Read and approved in our Women's Quarterly
Meeting for the Province of Ulster, held at
Lurgan same time, and in and on behalf
thereof, signed by

Margaret Harvey,

Cleric to the Womvris Meeting.

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