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LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
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WAI.rtR KAI.hlGH AS "SIK WALTlfK'
From A paintinK by Frnncis Dodd.
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
BY
WALTER RALEIGH
WITH A FOREWORD BY
HILARY RALEIGH
" Listen; yoji may be allowed
To hear my laughter from a cloud''''
CONSTABLE AND COMPANY LIMITED
LONDON SYDNEY
BOMBAY
1923
\
7?a73
P7. 3 . 3 3
PR
(o035
PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN.
CHISWICK PRESS: CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND GRIGGS (PRINTERS), LTD.
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE, LONDON.
CONTENTS
Foreword ix
Address to the Apostles i
Little Plays :
The Riddle ........ 19
James 45
Richard who would not be King . . . -71
Contributions to Family Magazines :
Song of Myself 89
The Dahchick . . . . . . -91
The Hob 94
To the Birthday Manager ..... 97
The Lion Comique ...... 99
Word and Question Game :
I have heard no word of my darling Jim . . .103
The Haunted House ...... 104
What is the use of waiting ? . . . . .106
How far is it to London ?..... 108
When I go to my wardrobe and pull out my clo'es . 109
Life rang the bell ....... no
Short Stories .
Ill
VI
CONTENTS
Some Thoughts on Examinations
The Two Moralities .
PAGE
Extracts from " The Milan " :
Love's Progress .....
Stand on the Trestles of the World .
To a Baptist Friend ....
Describing the Wedding of the Author's Sister
God and the Jongleur ....
How one made Appeal to the Mother of God
Meat for Babes .....
A Hymn of Love and Praise .
Ode to Himself .....
Ballade of the Anthropoid
Ballade of the Goth ....
Eating Song .....
A New Ballad of William Pottinger
Epigram in the manner of Herrick
In a Visitors' Book ....
Early or Late Lunch ....
Austin's Pride .....
Remarks ......
Occasional Verse :
Johannesburg, New Year, 1896
To a Lady with an Unruly Dog
Stans Puer ad Mensam ....
149
151
152
155
158
162
165
175
178
181
183
185
186
191
193
194
195
197
201
203
205
Sir Patrick Spens, in the Eighteenth Century manner . 207
Lines suggested by an Edition of Blake's Poems . 209
The Artist 210
CONTENTS
• •
Vll
PAGE
Battle Hymn of Kensit's Men . . . .211
Ode to the Glasgow BaUad Club
. 216
To Professor H. A. Strong
. 219
Sestina Otiosa ....
222
Qn T*** ]y[*****
. 227
Wishes of an Elderly Man
228
Sonnet to J. S
229
MyLastWiU ....
230
FOREWORD
HE real introduction to this book is to be
found in the " Address to the Apostles "
(p. 1-16), which, written as long ago as
1882, contains the germ of the view of hfe
which my father held throughout his own: I attempt
no more than a word or two of explanation.
To those who knew him intimately nothing in these
pages will come as a surprise ; they will remember him
in his gay, nonsense-loving moods, and may, while
reading, " hear his laughter " ; but those who only knew
his more serious side — and they can never have talked
with him for long — may find here much that will startle
them.
Of the Little Plays, " The Riddle " and " James "
have both been performed more than once; " Richard
who would not be King " was written for the children
of Lady Betty and Mr. Gerald Balfour, who owned a
toy theatre and complained that the stock plays supplied
with it were poor stuff.
The Contributions to Family Magazines are culled
from back numbers of periodicals that from time to time
made their appearance at home. There were, if I remem-
b
X FOREWORD
ber right, three of them : The Dahchick, which I edited
myself with immense labour — since I insisted on copying
out all contributions in my own scrawl, so that many of
the original manuscripts were lost; The Nutshell, and
The Hobgoblin, edited by my brothers. My father used
to promise at breakfast that his contribution would be
ready by lunch time, and would devote the morning to
its production. He never failed us.
The poems collected under the heading " Word and
Question Game, " take me back to long summer evenings
at Ashton Keynes in Wiltshire, when we used to gather
round a table after dinner, each armed with paper and
pencil, and write down on separate slips a word and a
question. The slips were pooled, and when we had all
drawn a word and a question, our object was to write
each a poem, answering or treating of the question and
introducing the word, within a time limit of a quarter
of an hour. I remember one evening, when a certain
distinguished scholar staying in the house had confessed,
after a struggle, his inabiUty to write a poem in the
stipulated fifteen minutes, my brother protested : " Don't
you think it might be ' Consequences ' to-morrow night ?
Anyone can play that! "
We played many games that summer, and it was at a
family " sing-song " held one evening about that time
that my father conceived the brilliant idea of setting
English classic poetry to the tunes of well-known
nursery rhymes. " Gray's Elegy," sung in chorus to the
FOREWORD xi
air of " Tom, Tom, the Piper's Son," was an unqualified
success !
The poem beginning " The Artist and his Luckless
Wife " was originally sent on postcards, a verse at a
time, to Mr. Robert Anning Bell, R.A.
The " Battle Hymn of Kensit's Men " was written in
collaboration with Mr. Charles Strachey at the time of the
John Kensit disturbances, and set to music, though, as
my father was not responsible for the setting, I have
not given it here. Of this hymn he always used to say
that it was the truest piece of collaboration ever done,
as when it was finished neither of the collaborators
could remember for which lines or ideas he had been
responsible !
The book is for the most part the effervescence of my
father's lighter moments, yet there is a certain serious-
ness and deep philosophy underlying even the most
frivolous pieces that puts them on a higher plane than
most nonsense prose and verse.
As to the illustrations, the portrait of my father in
Elizabethan costume that forms the frontispiece is
reproduced from a painting by Mr. Francis Dodd,
in the possession of Dr. John Sampson ; " The Wedding
Guest " is by Mr. Robert Anning Bell, as also are the
frontispiece to "The Riddle" and the picture taken
from a Visitors' Book (page 99) ; while the " Lion
Comique " is the only extant original drawing by my
father himself.
xii FOREWORD
Several of the poems have been pubhshed before:
" Johannesburg " and " Stand on the Trestles of the
World " in the Pall Mall Gazette, and " Stans Puer ad
Mensam " in the Cornhill Magazine. I am indebted to
the editors of both these periodicals for permission to
reproduce them here.
My grateful thanks are also due to Dr. John Sampson,
of Liverpool University, who edited The Milan, and
without whose aid I should have been unable to secure
much that is in these pages, for his kind and valuable
assistance in the preparation of the book.
HILARY RALEIGH
Ferry Hinksky
yu/y 1922
!
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
IS SENSE OF HUMOUR OR PERSONAL
INTEGRITY MORE POTENT FOR
PLEASURE TO ITS OWNER?
An address delivered to The Apostles, gth December 1882
^^^^ ASK the question, but the alternative is
•^^ perhaps not a real one.
In the first place I am bound on my
own behalf to advocate the former of the
quahties ; for I can hardly come forward to recommend
the pleasures of personal virtue to the brothers when
each, whether he has intimately revelled in them, or
resolutely forgone them, can declare the naked truth.
In the second place the alternatives may not be
genuinely interexclusive, and som.e brother may be
disposed to assert that he is both good and funny.
In all its bearings the question of how far he may be
both is extremely complicated. To begin with, there is
no doubt that he may have an eye for the humorous
without habitually and pertinaciously indulging in the
more pronounced of the vices. On the other hand, there
B
2 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
is no doubt that if he is to be humorous in any wide
sense of the word, his language must be irreverent on
occasion, and quite frequently obscene. Irreverence and
obscenity are not offences for the humorist.
As advocate for the humorist, I may further say on
his behalf that his character is incompatible with the
most degraded of the vices. There is a business-like
activity about the burglar, even when unoccupied in
crime, that forbids any full measure of enjoyment from
the critical or perceptive faculties. Even the man who
bears false witness against his neighbour is too absorbed
in compassing his end to see how ludicrously great are
his exertions to attain a little thing ; and although the
preacher may contract evil habits in private which he
has for years publicly inveighed against, it is not likely
that a man who has heartily derided these habits will
ever yield to their temptations. To take an instance,
Mr. Gilbert is not likely to be in court at an early date
under a charge of assault upon his mother by jumping
on her.
This, I think, is something to say for the humorist, that
he is not preoccupied with the petty aims of men — aims
which would rattle in a mind of reasonable capacity,
and which produce the crimes of the day-labourer, the
professional thief, or the lady member of a school-board.
His view-point is too exalted to admit of any mundane
object filling in the whole of his foreground, and he takes
a just view of the worthlessness of the pleasures which
ADDRESS TO THE APOSTLES 3
allure the criminals I have mentioned. He is liable to
drunkenness, it is true, for this, he finds, does not dull
his humorous faculty; and so he may possibly under-
estimate the less obvious pleasures enjoyed by the
abstemious. He seeks the influence of generous liquor
to give full play to his enjoyment of his fa^'ourite pleasure
— the overestimation of which is his only fault in the
eyes of others.
In trying to show that the man who enjoys the
pleasure of humour to the utmost is prevented from being
vicious as everyday people are vicious, I have just
indicated that he is not improbably a person of high
moral endowment. But as he cannot be very wicked
neither can he, it would seem, be very good. Integrity
in its bare sense he may possess, but what is known as
" exalted virtue " is foreign to him. For although his
moral vision is clear and extended, he has nothing
within him which urges him to action, his hfe is purely
aesthetic, he is neither Reformer nor Hero. The man
who is great in virtue is probably intent, like the criminal,
on some object which he will gain or die; all but one
aspect of this object is lost to his sight, while the hu-
morist, who probably places it for his own amusement in
juxtaposition with something mean, appears merely
irreverent.
And this fervent being must be the type of the good
man until a much greater lucidity is exercised ; until
men can apply enthusiasm to an ideal set up by con-
4 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
elusive reasoning; until the drum is not necessary in
war, nor blinkers on the high road.
This is the probable relation, then, between the sense
of humour and personal integrity, that although not
absolutely irreconcilable in the same individual, the
humorist is not capable of the extremes of the moral
scale. This brings me at once to my subject. For his
gain from this fact is patent — he preserves that golden
mean between virtue and vice which is most fruitful in
unsophisticated pleasures, and shuns the hedonistic
mistakes of the martyr and the murderer alike.
I hope no one will deny the genuineness of the pleasure
derivable from humour ; it is a pleasure of a delicate,
because of a highly complex, nature, and is therefore
easily extruded from consciousness by strong emotions,
which strong emotions it is the aim of the humorist to
avoid. But it is a pleasure of a deep enthralling nature
and derivable under more diverse circumstances than
any other pleasure in the world. That is, it is really
enjoyable while it lasts, and a highly cultivated nature
can find it in all the circumstances of life enumerated in
the Prayer Book. And lest I be accused of glozing the
faults of the humorist, I will notice, to refute, an accusa-
tion which might be brought against liim — that his
pleasure is of a selfish nature, and his enjoyment often
positively disconcerts others. I deny this for the present
on two grounds : (i) That I utterly discard the form of
joke known as " practical," a form the true humorist
ADDRESS TO THE APOSTLES 5
could not be led to indulge in, and which must always
possess a low aesthetic value. Hoaxes and the like
should not be admitted within the pale of the humorous.
Eating and drinking are pleasures of some intensity,
but cannot be called aesthetic because they cannot be
shared. The practical joke is not onty unshareable but
inflicts pain, while the appreciation of high humour is
like that of a fine painting, open to all and real in nature.
(2) I regard the expression known as " laughter " — one
of the many inarticulate noises which remind us of man's
sunken nature — as by no means necessarily connected
with the appreciation of the humorous. " Man alone
can laugh " — and this singular trait of his is emplo3^ed to
evince his superiority over the brutes by persons who are
confident that such must exist. Let us rather say that
he has forgone bellowing only to take up with a more
noisome cachinnation : let us remember the sallow-
visaged Tom Hood, or Artemus Ward eaten of melan-
choly, and relegate laughter for ever from the paradise
of humour to the limbo of a beastly buoyancy.
The enjoyments of the humorist are not, then, posi-
tively offensive to others — a fact I was concerned to
prove because such a feature is incompatible with the
highest degree of individual pleasure. I shall have
occasion to show further how he is probably capable of
the deepest sympathy, so far from being the heartless
creature he is commonly esteemed. But meantime, what
shall Vs-e say of the man of spotless character who is
6 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
" bent on walking uprightly," a phrase that fitly indi-
cates the impossibility of his attempt ? What pleasure
of his can we compare with the pleasure the humorist
gets from observing him ? What is his moment of en-
joyment ? When he refrains from pocket-picking or
adultery it is evident that he either does not feel the
temptation of these pastimes, or he is tempted by them,
possibly severely, and resists ; in which case his feeling at
the time is painful.
He is obliged practically, when asked to make show of
his profit, to point to the past or the future — to the past
in asserting the pleasure of having subdued his baser
instincts, to the future in demonstrating the injuries
which Nature or the State inflict on those who transgress
their laws. The upright man in this narrow sense has
thus no unit of present pleasure like that of the humor-
ist. He is certainly better off than otherwise if the vices
have at no time proved attractive for him, but even here
his condition is neutral as to feeling. And the pleasure
which he takes in avoiding the fate that seeks out the
erring is dangerously like the pharisaical pleasure of
thanking God that he is not as other men are, a pleasure
which, oddly enough, he himself discountenances. Yet
even humility seems to lose its charm if we may not
thank God now and then that we resemble the publican
rather than the Pharisee.
Treating him on a higher moral platform altogether,
it is still hard to find the man of virtue any opportunity
ADDRESS TO THE APOSTLES 7
for strong enjoyment. The ecstasy of self-sacrifice might
be insisted on for him, but self-sacrifice made universally
desirable as such, without regard to its purpose or effect,
would spill creation. So that the ecstasy is only the
enjoyment of an image of the pleasure to come either to
himself or others.
Taking him all in all he seems to live a hard life. His
ultimate desire, of course, is to bring the world up to his
own level, and so on to perfect good : this, if effected,
increases his pleasure from sympathy which has been at
no time very great ; but removes the pleasure of vanity,
for he is again " one of the herd."
I have done with the question I proposed, and have
barely touched my real subject. For it is evident that no
final solution can be sought on this narrow ground of
personal pleasure ; the good man and his friends them-
selves call us off it, to engage in airy combat elsewhere.
Just as they can seek support in argument, when they
need it from a golden age long past, or from some
aboriginal practice or custom long abandoned, so now
they accuse the humorist of blindness alike to his own
and the general interest, of enjoying himself while work
is to be done, and of doing nothing to help forward that
far-off divine event.
To which the whole creation moves,
and which consoles our brother Tennyson for the loss of
his friend.
8 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Plainly we can no longer restrict ourselves to the old
line of argument, for we are in the presence of that
sickliest of Nature's abortions, or most ironical of her
freaks — the optimist. If a Domesday book were to be
compiled for the world as it is, setting forth in a preamble
all the laws that have been discovered regulating it,
and summarizing the heritage of man, showing how it
was obtained, and how it is divided, I can imagine no
more instructive marginal note for the student of man-
kind than the word denoting that particular phenomenon
— optimism. To account for its existence is harder,
but the point where desire passes into conviction should
be narrowly studied. There is a large region in thought
where knowledge, in the ordinary sense, fails, but where
man nevertheless pursues his speculations. He first
defines Good, then desires it as defined, and lastly believes
in it as desired. The multitude believe, not the truth,
but what will be, or what they think will be, best for
them. And it says much for the tangled state of Nature's
handiwork, that even with this carte blanche in belief,
they are unable to fix on an ideal that does not involve
some unpleasantness, and are obliged to commit the
solution of this difiiculty to a higher ruler, contenting
themselves for the present with the statement that all is
for the best — a proposition always occupying the position
of premise, never of conclusion. And this very view of
theirs is Nature's masterpiece; just as she supplements
the existence of faithless wives by the creation of a due
ADDRESS TO THE APOSTLES 9
number of unsuspicious husbands, so she gives piquancy
to a universe of inconsistencies by the creation of a man
who believes in it.
This being the genesis of the optimist, his attitude
through hfe is determined; every deformity that he
cannot help seeing, if he be a student of Nature's
anatomy, becomes at once the basis for an evangel.
Listen to the words of a brother of past times who was
led by study to disbelieve in any life but this, and largely
in the happiness of this as we know it. Of these two
beliefs he composes a consolatory address to humanity
in this wise :
" But for you, noble and great ones, who have loved
and laboured yourselves not for yourselves, but for the
universal folk, in your time not for your time only, but
for the coming generations, for you there shall be life as
broad and far-reaching as your love, for you life-gi\dng
action to the utmost reach of the great wave whose crest
you sometime were " (Clifford, Unseen Universe).
Briefly, our brother Clifford derides the idea of a future
life, but makes nervous haste to give assurance that it
doesn't matter, for we really live in our descendants and
those we benefit, and they in theirs, and so on for a good
long way. He has no answer to two concise questions :
(i) Is life in itself good or bad ?
(2) If good is not its cessation, near or distant, bad?
If bad, whence the nobility of communicating it to
others ?
10 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
The florid sentence about this nobihty of being the
crest of the wave is yet necessary to gain any credence
for his general doctrine.
The brothers, I am sure, will pardon me for this seem-
ing digression : it is really necessary in the line of my
argument. For here is at last the root of strife between
the humorist and the man of virtue — to wit, that the
last is at heart an optimist.
He has an intense conviction that human nature is
high and holy, and he is made uneasy by the obscenity of
the humorist ; he is overwhelmed by the importance of
life and the weightiness of its issues, and accordingly the
humorous treatment of these things seems to him irre-
verent ; he is eager to reach truth as a means of progress,
and humour seems painfully independent of truth.
And I cannot answer his scruples about the legitimacy
of humour save by, as I think, attacking his fundamental
position. But I can put in no light plea for humour on
my own behalf by adopting a different position.
A contemporary essayist has endeavoured to draw a
distinction between two methods of doing good in the
world. One, the commoner, is that of merely annulling
or counteracting evil, as by visiting the sick, practising
medicine, relieving distress, and so forth. The other and
rarer may be called " creative good," and consists in the
production of works of art in painting or music or good
poetry, which carry those affected away from evil
altogether, and give them something positive.
ADDRESS TO THE APOSTLES n
This distinction doubtless has something in it. For
good and evil, as generally understood, have something
essentially complementary about them ; if heaven were
attained and evil banished, it almost seems as if good
would lose its meaning for us. Certainly the ordinary
good, as employed in the technical phrase " to do good,"
would become meaningless, for there would be no evil to
annul. And in this would be included some part of the
effect of the creative good, for high-toned poetry is
supposed to have a practical moral effect. There is left,
however, that part of creative good which is purely
aesthetic — a fine painting is something gained, it is said,
and put on the credit side of the account for all time.
I can understand this idea without wholly subscribing
to it. For once remove every trait of ughness, and even
beauty, although still giving pleasure, loses interest in
many ways ; it is no longer a motive in life, and is re-
garded indifferently except by some creature perfectly
passive. But if this claim for a positive value is advanced
for beauty, how much more can it be urged on behalf
of humour, to which it is difficult to find an opposite
(except, on a physiological analogy, wonder), which is
irrespective of good or evil, beauty or ugliness, and
yet yields a genuine aesthetic pleasure !
Seeing then how true this is, I no longer despond under
the dread sentence: "Ye cannot serve God and
Mammon " — addressed, presumably, to persons anxious
to serve both ; on the contrary, I call God and Mammon
12 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
into court and accost them in something this way : " My
Christian friends (for in spite of your determined mutual
exclusiveness I intend to remain in amicable relations
with you both) , your noisy importunity harasses me ; I
have no intention of serving either of you. In dividing
3'our territory and bondslaves, and in observing carefully
that no one of them does double work, you have perhaps
omitted to notice that a portion of the earth yet rem-ains
belonging to neither of you, and that men are to be found
outside of your plantations. In fact, to be candid with
you, you are in a fair way to become obsolete; your
heaven and hell, once of terrible import, are already no
more than stage-properties, raked out now and then b}^
poets on a quest for antitheses. The man who has
treated them best is Lucian. I must really ask you to
leave me in peace, for I have observed a certain incon-
gruity between the aims of men and their achievements
which I should be sorry not to enjoy fully."
This is one position to be recognized, but there is
another — that of one who believes that man is nothing,
knows nothing, and has nothing to hope; who apos-
trophizes virtue in the words of Brutus: " O Miserable
Virtue, thou art but a mere phrase, and I have followed
thee as though thou wert a reality. Fate is stronger than
thee." This man too can turn to humour for consola-
tion. The problem of life is the problem of good and
evil. The attitude of men towards it is various. To
some it is indifferent. Some are overburdened and
ADDRESS TO THE APOSTLES 13
crushed by it either because they have found it insoluble,
or because their solution is unfavourable. For both
these classes humour is a valuable drug — affording them
escape from the problem of hfe. And that this escape is
needful for many — indeed, it would seem, for anyone who
sets himself to realize the problem — is shown by the
hundreds who are rushing every minute into war, or
monasteries, who go to the play, or to bed, who commit
suicide, or enter trade, who become dissolute or rehgious.
Leonardo da Vinci, full of the energy of the Renaissance,
learned in all the science of the time and of exquisite skill
in all the arts, attempted to guess the secret of the
universe and failed. A generation of half-hearted
fumblers is not likely to reverse his defeat. To these,
however, humour has a good deal to offer ; it is a pure
aesthetic pleasure, unentangied, apparently, in the moral
mazes which involve the appreciation of beauty and
truth. Further, it is a pleasure whose intensity in-
creases every day as society develops.
Greeks, rapt in the contemplation of beauty, gave it
comparatively little attention, and hardly developed it
at all. The progress it has made in modern times might
almost convince us that it may become for us what
beauty was to the Hellenic world, and so bring about
another brief eclipse of the sun which shines on the evil
and on the good, and sets them in painfully strong relief.
The metaphysical, rather than the scientific, aspect of
humour has occupied me. It only remains to give point
14 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
to what I have said by defining more clearly the condi-
tions of humour and its relation to morals.
The essence of humour and what constitutes it
humour is generally known in treatises on the subject as
incongruity. It is perhaps better called unexpectedness
in its lower forms. Tickling, which causes laughter, is
the unit of humorous perception. And the essential
feature is shown by the fact that no one can tickle
himself to laughter. In more complex forms its two
principal features are isolation and contrast, both owing
what is humorous in them to their unwontedness. For
instance, a flour barrel, top-hat, pig, or man, conceived
of in vacant space, becomes humorous — it is pilloried for
laughter. So with contrast, a cockney in the Alps, a
man " dressed up," and so on, are humorous from
unaccustomed surroundings. And this being so, without
further exposition it may be easily seen how societ}^
develops the humorous in the sense of creating artificial
relations which may be broken through — relations
massed under such names as titles, clothing, marriage,
etiquette. Carlyle's naked Duke of Windlestraw is
funny, for we are called on to realize dukedom apart from
clothing. Now all these complex relations which society
sets up afford scope for humour, but have another
important feature, for it is about them that morality
grows up and is matured. So that the man with a keen
eye for humour in collecting materials or picturing
situations for his hobby is incessantly obliged to regard
ADDRESS TO THE APOSTLES 15
things from every point of view, and to go as far afield as
possible in order to see if things are really as unlaughable
as they are taken for at first sight, whether they are not
much less adapted for their ends and much less complete
than is commonly supposed. In this process he can
hardly avoid a true and extended view of the moral
universe. My favourite example is falsehood — a definite
means adopted by someone to gain a definite end, and
possessing no incongruity in his own mind, but which,
when considered in relation to its real effects, or even
to its forger's purpose, is ludicrously out of joint.
The gods would thus be in a position to appreciate the
humour of human life, from their lofty view-point, unless
they are supposed either to will or to foreknow the
course of events when the element of surprise would be
lost, and with it much of the humour. So perception of
the humorous and perception of imperfection are
closely allied. It may be asked why Nature gives less
scope for humour than society, for natural relations and
complexities are as numerous, and beget in us the same
habit of thought. This is true, but besides the greater
difficulty of disturbing these relations, Nature does not
make the mistake of society in sacrificing the means to
the end. Each natural object is an end in itself ; the egg
not only produces the owl, but is egg-shaped and white
and smooth and beautiful. But the creations of man,
especially in cities, are nothing apart from their end, so
that an umbrella floating about, say, on the sea, and
i6 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
evidently not serving its purpose, is nothing. Nothing^
I say, but here the humorist steps in and amends this ;
he contemplates it for a moment, enjoys the situation,
and, by so doing, completes its destiny, rendering it
ludicrous.
LITTLE PLAYS
THE RIDDLE
JAMES
RICHARD WHO WOULD NOT BE KING
THE RIDDLE
A PLEASANT PASTORAL COMEDY
Adapted from The PVife of Bath's Tale
as it is set forth in the Works of
Master Geoffrey Chaucer
Presented at Otterspool on
Midsummer Eve, 1895
Written by Walter Raleigh
To the FIRST WOMAN
Mother Eve,
Thou who didst not blench at the first
question propounded in the Garden of Paradise, which
was asked by the Devil and answered by thee ; who gavest
to man of the Tree, not, as the dotage of certain Rabbinical
commentators doth allege, of the twigs of the Hazel, but
rather of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, and he did
eat ; who, in the cool of the day, didst hide thyself amongst
the trees of the garden ; — to the memory of thy Speculative
Intrepidity, of thy Private and Familiar Generosity,
and of thy Dislike of Public Fame, this Riddle, wherein
the tastes of thy numerous and worthy posterity of daugh-
ters are investigated and unravelled, is dedicated with
remote veneration by thy degenerate Great Grandson
THE AUTHOR.
21
PERSONS OF THE COMEDY
King Arthur, King of Britain.
Sir Pharamond, a Knight of King Arthur's Court.
Sir Calepine, his friend.
Sir Paridell, a Knight newly returned from Foreign Courts.
Sir Golias, a fat thirsty Knight.
Sir Eglamour, an affected foppish Knight.
The Court Jester.
A Herald, Knights, Attendants, Falconers, etc.
The Queen.
An Old Woman, afterwards transformed, in love with Sir
Pharamond.
Ladies of King Arthur's Court.
Fairies, Elves, and other Good People.
22
LITTLE PLAYS 23
THE RIDDLE
The Scene: A Woodland Glade. The
noise of horns is heard. Enter a
company of knights, Sir Calepine,
Sir Paridell, Sir Golias, Sir Egla-
MOUR, and others, with attendants,
and the Court Jester.
[The knights sit in a group
and drink ; Calepine and
Paridell walk to and fro,
talking.
Paridell.
)S this the place ?
Calepine. It is, I know it well,
Twas on this very spot. Sir Paridell,
The king gave judgement, in full audiencC;,
That Pharamond should die.
Par. And what offence
Had he committed ?
Cal. Falsely he defamed
A noble lady ; all his heart inflamed
With jealousy, they said, for she had turned
A cold ear to the love wherein he burned ;
24 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Yet in the verdict none could find a flaw.
His head was forfeit by King Arthur's law.
Par. Lo, I have lived in courts of many a king
And many an emperor, but ne'er this thing
Have I beheld, that sentence should be passed,
And not made good ; far otherwise, as fast
As the king spake in wrath the fatal word
The headsman plied his axe. Who ever heard
Of execution thus remote ? You say
The Court was held a year ago to-day.
Cal. When the king's doom was given, our gracious
Queen
And all her ladies knelt upon this green,
And begged the offender's life, that it should be
Delivered over to their lenity.
Their prayer was granted ; then the Queen uprose
The sentence of her ladies to disclose.
And respited his life a single 3 ear
If he would come to-day and answer here
The question that they set him ; which was this,
Wherein do women find their greatest bliss ?
This well might puzzle sages, 'twas beyond
The simple wit of poor Sir Pharamond.
He left the court and wandered far afield,
To try if travel might fresh wisdom yield.
To-day must he give answer, and abide
The test that shall his death or hfe decide.
His tardiness bodes ill.
LITTLE PLAYS 25
Golias. Ye argue long,
This noble company demands a song.
Knights. A song! A song! A song!
GoL A song of mirth ;
By 'r Lady, there is grief enough on earth.
The Song
May he he hanged high on a tree,
Or fast hound to a post,
He that will not merry, merry he.
With a generous howl and toast.
Chorus
Let him be merry, merry, merry there,
And we will he merry, merry here,
For who can know
Where we may go
To he merry another year,
Brave hoys,
To he merry another year.
He that will not merry, merry he.
With a company of jolly hoys.
May he he plagued with a scolding wife,
To confound him with her noise.
Chorus — Let him he merry, etc.
Gal. Is not this better than your mumping talk ?
Cal. The birds cease singing when they see the hawk ;
26 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Death hovers o'er us, poising on the wing,
Who knows where he may strike ?
Q(yl Then drink and sing !
Perchance Sir Pharamond has found a clue
To this same riddle, and will answer true.
So warm witli wine your thoughts that grief
benumbs ;
Care killed a cat !
Knights. See, where he comes! He comes!
[Enter Sir Pharamond, travel-
stained and weary. He
salutes the company.
Cat. I dare not bid thee welcome, till I hear
How thou'rt attended, whether Hope or Fear
Hath shown thy wandering steps the homeward
way.
What issue had thy errand ? Quickly, say.
Pharamond. Comfortless, hopeless. Though a man
should run
From the bright orient to the setting sun,
And put this question unto all he meets,
'Twere the most profitless of idle feats.
I have travelled from the great Mongolian plain
To where the Atlantic bounds the realm of Spain,
From Barbary to snow-bound Astrachan,
And here I end as wise as I began.
I have asked them, sage and simple, rich and poor.
LITTLE PLAYS 27
Christian and Turk, the Scythian and the Moor,
The Cham of Tartary and Prester John
What women most do set their hearts upon ;
And each made answer gladly, with a show
Of telling secrets he alone did know.
At first this pleased me well ; but, woe is me,
No pair of answers ever did agree.
. So here I stand, undone, discomfited,
Teasing my wits in vain to save my head.
Jester. Now, a plague on this game of joyous demands,
that sends a gentleman coursing round the world
like a greyhound after a swallow! A man were
better to stay at home and teach ducks to quack
at his funeral.
Par. Among so many answers could you find
None to bring hope of comfort to your mind ?
Your travelled observation should impart
Skill to descry the secrets of the heart.
Jester. Perchance Sir Knight of the sorrowful visage
has travelled much and seen little, like Sir Jonas
of old time in the belly of the whale, who spent
the greater part of his observation in observing
the pitiful fix he was in.
Cal. Some answer must be given ; let us unite
Our efforts, haply we may guess aright.
Phar. Lend me your wits, my own are at a stand.
"What shall I sav ?
1st Knight. Rich husbands !
28 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
2nd Knight. Dresses !
yd Knight. Land!
Jester. The ten commandments !
Par. Praise for secrecy!
Cal. A pound of truth and tons of flattery !
Phar. Ah, miserable counsel ! Had ye said
That they desire a man should lose his head
For their fair sakes, 'twere nearer to the mark.
Eglamour. It seems to me ye all are in the dark ;
Will no one ask my counsel ?
Phar. That will L
Sir Eglamour, what think you ?
[Eglamour pauses, looks
wise, and struts about.
Be not shy!
]\Iy life stands on the hazard.
Egl. What think you ?
This cloak is not ill-cut — the cap is new,
A fancy of my own, designed in France,
I think it has some little elegance.
Phar. May rust and moth consume thy trashy gear
For sporting thus with death ! What help is here ?
Jester. Fie, fie, gaffer! Take a lesson in civiHty from
King Caradoc, who, eating oysters with the Pope
on Ash Wednesday, when he came to a bad
oyster made no wry faces, but fell to praising
the shells. Curse not the feathers because the
flesh is rank! Mew! We can have no more of
the cat but her skin !
LITTLE PLAYS 29
Egl. Do you not take my meaning ? Force me not
To be immodest !
Phar. Tell thy meaning, sot !
Jester. The meaning of Sir Eglamour is like the quality
of modesty, the more you talk of it, the less there
is. Tis ill looking for eggs in a mare's nest!
Egl. Give ear to me a moment, Sir Knight, and if I
may do it without presumption, I will tell you
how you may save your life. When the Queen
and all her ladies are set, and the question put
to you, as thus. What do women love best?
or wherein do they take their chief delight? or
what is their greatest pleasure ? then you, stand-
ing silent like a baffled man at a loss for an answer,
must ever gaze on me, and I, stepping forward,
wiU smile upon the Queen, as thus [smiling fan-
tastically], then will the Queen and all her ladies
blush to be caught thinking of me. This long
while it hath been matter for amazement how
they dote on me. Then you still gazing on me, and
I still smiling, —
Phar. Take thyself off. Sir Fop, or I shall beat thee
inordinately !
Jester. Nay, gaffer, soft words! What says the pro-
verb— Better kiss a fool than be troubled by him ?
This poor Sir Eglamour is ambitious of my calling,
but he is young at the business.
Egl. Beating, say you ? 'Tis a tyrannical world when
a man must be beaten for telling the truth from
30 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
motives of sheer human kindness. Beating,
forsooth! Alack-a-daisy ! Never talk to me of
beating ! [Exit.
Jester. This is a pleasant grave-yard, gaffer, but the
butterflies will not stay in it.
Phar. Now my sad remnant of existence wanes,
Grief blurs my thoughts, and deadly peril drains
My hfe-blood from me and confounds my sense ;
Give aid, my friends, concoct some poor defence.
Cal. We have argued high and low, our bolt is shot ;
Some wizard only could untie this knot.
[To GoL.] My hawk sights quarry, he begins to
tower.
The Court holds sessions in another hour.
Got. Some wizard ? Now there comes into my thought
One gleam of comfort for a wit distraught.
Do they not call this lawn the Fairies' glade ?
Cal. Tis so. The country yokels are afraid
To pass by night lest Mab and all her crew
Should capture them and pinch them black and
blue,
Or prison them in dungeons underground
For seven long years, then loose them to be found
Asleep where first their steps were led astray ;
And ever on the high Midsummer Day
The fairies hold full revel, in broad light.
Then, so the legend goes, the happy wight
Who sees them dance and breaks the magic ring,
LITTLE PLAYS 31
May force their Queen to grant him anything
That he demands —
GoL Look up, the sun rides high ;
'Tis the Midsummer solstice, let us try
This last forlorn device ; if we give place,
Sir Pharamond may find the fairies' grace.
Come then, Sir Knights, away !
Cal. These old wives' tales
Are broken reeds to trust, yet nought avails
That we can do. Then, Pharamond, good speed!
Heaven send the fairies help thee at thy need!
[The Knights go out.
Pharamond stands lost in thought.
Jester. Who was the first man, gaffer ?
Phar. Gad-fly, what dost thou here ?
Jester. Nothing, gaffer, but that I thought it was the
fashion to ask riddles. Do thou answer me, 'twill
get thee into the habit. I will begin with an easy
one, and draw thee to perfection by degrees. Be
not angry — who was the first man?
Phar. Thou art a good priest, fool, and dost stabhsh
me in religious knowledge by way of shrift. Was
it not Adam?
Jester. I know not. Who was the first woman ?
Phar. Eve.
Jester. And what was Eve's straw hat made of?
There is a harder one, and so we lift the novice
higher.
32 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Phay. Fool, thou troubles! me. Leave me.
Jester. I feared thou would'st not know what Eve's
straw hat was made of. 'Tis a question in mil-
linery, wherein thou art no expert, for thou
knowest neither what is on women's heads nor
what is in them. But thou must persevere, we
shall have thee a scholar ere long. Be not surly,
gaffer, let me help thee.
Phar. And how does thy miserable folly help my
foolish misery ?
Jester. Bravely, gaffer; if folly were not to lend a
hand to wisdom, neither of them two would ever
get to Tewkesbury. Now Eves straw hat was
made of straw, take that from my folly; and
what women do most desire is to be desired, save
that for thine own wisdom. For there is no
woman, be she young, be she fair, but doth
secretly rejoice and chuck unto herself to be
gazed upon with the eye of affection.
Phar. [Throwing himself on the grass.] Away, fool, away!
Must thy babble be the last sound in my ears?
Jester. Good-night, gaffer! Sleep not too long, lest
the fairies clap an ass's head on thee and give
the Separator trouble to determine whether he is
cutting the body off a donkey or the head off a man.
Here comes a candle to light thee to bed
And here comes a chopper to chop off the head
Of the last, last, last, last man. [Exit.
LITTLE PLAYS 33
Enter the Old Woman, dishevelled and
hobbling. She takes her stand in
the middle of the lawn and turns
thrice, weaving magic circles with her
staff. She whistles ; the fairies creep
out from the wood, at first one by one,
then in troops, and surround her.
A Dance of Fairies.
[The fairies vanish. Phara-
MOND approaches, and crosses
the ring. The Old Woman
rises and speaks.
0. W. What seek'st thou here, Sir Knight, by whose
command
Com'st thou to break the peace of fairy land ?
This lawn is sacred to the Queen of Fays,
Take ^j^arning, save thy life, and go thy ways.
Phar. Fair speech, good mother, to a desperate man!
My life is forfeit 'neath King Arthur's ban.
Tve wandered o'er the world to pay my debt.
And paid it will be, ere the sun shall set.
Call back your goblins, let them do their worst.
0. W. Do thou give answer to my question first.
What brings thee here ?
Phar. It seems the common cry.
Answer my question, or at once you die. —
Nay, lady, spare an overburdened mind,
I seek an answer that I cannot find
D
34 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
To no such easy question as you ask;
Answer my question were the worthy task
For witches or for seers.
O. W. Propound it, son !
Phar. And idly cater for the elvish fun
Of all your dancing brood! Here lies my way,
The headsman's axe jdelds better comfort.
O. W. Stay!
Truth dwelt in woodlands in the Age of Gold,
And years bring cunning with them; trust the
old!
Three hundred springs have laughed upon the
leas.
Three hundred summers faded from the trees,
Since I was young with youth's simplicity.
Who knows but I may help thee ? — tell it me.
Phar. In very truth, good mother, here it is :
I am a dead man if I tell amiss
Before King Arthur's court, this day convened,
The answer to the riddle of a fiend —
What thing is that which women most desire ?
To cut this knot have I dared flood and fire.
Through many a court and many a continent.
Yet still have I returned the way I went,
Unhelped by clown or courtier, fool or knave.
If, by thy magic art, thou now canst save
My name from smirch, my body from despite.
My lands and fees shall all be thine of right.
LITTLE PLAYS 35
0. W. Plight me thy hand in mine, and promise me
That anything I may require of thee
Thou wilt perform it, be it in thy power,
And I will save thee ere another hour.
Phar. Here is my hand, I swear with all goodwill !
0. W. Then I may boast, for all thy little skill,
Thy life is safe, for I will stand thereby.
The Queen herself will say the same as I,
And not the proudest lady of her court
Will dare to contradict thy true report ;
The silence of them, widow, maid, and wife,
Shall prove my wisdom and preserve thy life.
Let us go forth at once, and in thine ear
The answer shall be told. Away with fear!
[Exeunt.
The Court of King Arthur en-
ters, preceded by Trumpeters, the
King ^w^Queen, then the Ladies,
then the Knights. The King and
Queen are seated together, the
Ladies of the court as assessors on
either side, the Knights stand
grouped on either side.
Herald. Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! This is the Court of
King Arthur !
All wild beasts and creeping things are straitly
charged in the name of our Sovran Lord the
King to leave the court ! All birds, dragons, and
36 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
other flying things are forbidden, under pain of
death, to fly over the court while our liege Lord
and Lady are in session. Let all those persons
who have matters to transact before the court,
and all those who are bound over to appear this
day before our Sovran Lord the King or our
Sovran Lady the Queen, now stand forward!
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! This is the Court of
King Arthur!
[Sir Pharamond enters and stands
before the King and Queen, fac-
ing them : the Knights give way
on either hand.
Phar. My Sovran Lord, my Lady without peer,
Ye noble Dames that are assembled here.
Maidens, that in the seat of judgement sit
By virtue of your gentleness and wit.
Wives, whom true faith empowers, and widows, ye
Whom old experience hath taught subtlety,
Lo, I have held my day ; and here I stand.
For judgement at my Sovran Lady's hand.
Herald. Oyez ! Oyez ! Oyez ! Let all that are in the
Court keep silence, that the cause between our
Sovran Lady the Queen and Sir Pharamond may
be well and truly tried !
Queen. Read him the question from the Rolls of State,
According to his answer is hi§ fate.
Herald. [Unrolls a large parchment and reads.
LITTLE PLAYS 37
The Court hereby decrees that twela^e
months hence
Sir Pharamond shall tell in audience,
What women most do set their hearts upon.
Give answer truly, for the year is gone.
Phar. My gracious Lady, universally.
Women desire to have sovereignty.
And to be absolute in power above
The men they sway, in policy or love.
This is the utmost goal of their desire,
Take now my life, if justice do require.
Queen. How say you ladies, has he spoken true ?
What, none deny it ? You, nor you, nor you ?
Shall this blunt answer expiate his guilt ?
Or shall his life upon this place be spilt ?
1st Lady. Absolve him !
2nd Lady. Quit him !
'^rd Lady. Spare the brazen-face !
1st Lady. Pardon the ribald !
2nd Lady. Pity !
'^rd Lady. Mercy !
All the Ladies. Grace!
Queen. You see. Sir Knight, these ladies plead for you.
Perchance (I know not) thou hast spoken true.
Howbeit, we spare thy life. Let it be seen
Thou knowest to prize the mercy of thy Queen.
Phar. [Kneeling.] My gracious Lady, in all lowliness,
Saved by thy puissance from my black distress.
38 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
I thank and praise thee; [rising] now as free as
air
Joyful I take my leave.
Old Woman. [Coming forward with uplifted arm.] Hold,
stop him there !
1st Lady. Who is this person ?
2nd Lady. Shocking!
2,rd Lady. Turn her out!
0. W. Justice, my liege! Twas I that solved his
doubt.
The answer that the noble Court has heard
And has approved, I taught him, every word.
1st Lady. Odious old scrub !
2nd Lady. Her finger in the pie !
yd Lady. Not nice !
1st Lady. I wish we'd kiUed him!
2nd Lady. So do I!
yd Lady. If some one doesn't stop her, I shall faint!
0. W. Give ear, my lady Queen, to my complaint !
This man has pledged to me his knightly oath
That whatsoe'er I ask him, nothing loth
He will perform, if it be in his power.
And now before the Court, this very hour,
Sir Knight, I pray thee, take me for thy wife,
For well thou knowest I have saved thy life.
Do I speak true or false ?
Phar. Alas ! too true !
That was the promise that I gave to you —
LITTLE PLAYS 39
Fool that I am ! But, lady, think again,
Make me not thus the wretchedest of men.
For love of Heaven choose some new request,
Take all my goods, or what you fancy best
Of lands or tenements ; 'twere ill to save
A man from death and wed him to the grave.
0. W. My mind is fixed, not all that thou canst do
Will change it; — judge, O Queen, betwixt us two!
Lo ! here I stand to vindicate my claim.
What does he see in me that he can blame ?
I saved his life, does that deserve his hate ?
Why am I deemed unworthy for his mate ?
If I have faults they may in time amend.
Queen. Sir Knight, give answer.
Herald. Let the Court attend!
Phar. 0 Queen, my word is passed, and I will keep
The hasty vow I made. Yet silly sheep
Led to the slaughter are not asked to praise
The butcher's knife in many a glozing phrase.
Pardon my frankness, therefore, if I call
This beldame old and poor and therewithal
Ugly extremely, and of base degree.
Are these defects that may amended be ?
1st Lady. Here is a gentle wooer.
2nd Lady. Does he well
Rashly to cheapen what he cannot sell ?
^rd Lady. I like his plainness.
Herald. Silence in the Court !
40 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Phar. My answer, therefore, lady Queen, is short,
I hate her, and wiJl marry her to-day.
0. W. Now let me speak, O Queen, and I will say
My answer to the charges that he brings.
First, I am poor ; they say the poor man sings
Even when he meets with robbers on the road ;
And poverty hath ever been a goad
To honourable toil, a happy test
Whereby true friends are sifted from the rest ;
Yea, a man learns, by poverty brought low,
Not his friends only, but himself to know.
And is not merry poverty as good
As groaning 'neath a cumbrous livelihood ?
But I am old, he saith ; should that not be
A reason for redoubled courtesy ?
Wisdom and prudence are the wealth of age.
If youth would but accept the heritage.
Once more, I am the object of his scorn
Because I fortune to be lowly born.
Ah, if a Nobleman could but devise
A means to leave his virtue when he dies
Tied up with all his titles and estate,
Then were nobility of higher rate ;
But if a noble's son do churlish deeds,
And flout the hand that helps him in his needs,
He is not gentle, be he Duke or Earl,
For base ungrateful actions make a churl.
Lastly, I am displeasing to the eye.
LITTLE PLAYS 41
But many excellences come thereby.
Think of the famous women of old time.
Shrined in true history or poet's rhyme,
For whom the direst wicked deeds were done.
They all were Queens of beauty, every one.
Whole empires have been shattered, cities sacked.
And busy valleys left a lifeless tract,
Millions of men have perished for the kiss
Of Cleopatra or Semiramis ;
Yet still in beauty take ye childish joy.
Remembering Helen, but forgetting Troy.
Nay, look on me with gladness ; for this face
No towns shall burn, no champions court disgrace,
No kings shall agonize in mad despair.
Nor screams of widowed women rend the air.
Deceit here is not, what I am, I seem.
No painter's fantasy nor poet's dream :
The homely virtues, proper to the shade,
Dwell in this face and flourish undismayed.
Yet, lest this knight, O Queen, should curse his hap.
And taunt me that I caught him in a trap,
I can again employ the magic lore
Whereby I rescued him from death before.
Let him now choose if he will have his wife
Virtuous and faithful to him all her hfe,
But old and all uncomely ; or endowed
With matchless beauty, but of spirit proud
Peevish and fickle, skilled in every wile.
42 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Charming and faithless, beautiful and vile.
For one of these two let him give his voice,
And he shall have the lady of his choice.
[Pharamond sighs, and falls
into a brown study.
Queen. The offer is a fair one. Come, Sir Knight.
Phar. O, gracious Queen, thou seest to what a plight
I am reduced ; full well may I repine,
Squalor or wickedness must needs be mine.
Yet since this lady hath by fate been sent
To be my succour and admonishment,
I fain would have my sentence make it plain
That all her lesson has not been in vain.
Lady, I will not choose ; but do protest
That I approve whiche'er to you seems best,
Do as you please, and I am satisfied.
0. W. Then do you utterly renounce your pride.
And here submit to my authority ?
Phar. I do.
0. W. Now have I gained the victory.
Look up, be joyful, cast away despair,
And you shall have a bride both good and fair.
[The Old Woman throws off her
cloak and appears transformed.
Sensation in the Court.
Qiteen. Take her. Sir Knight, and let this day be spent
In feasting, revelry, and merriment.
King. Strike up the music ! Though we are a King,
LITTLE PLAYS
43
Our rule is brief, and frail, and wavering,
Compared with that great Sovranty whose sway
Hath been established in our Court to-day.
This night shall be resigned to mirth and sport,
In honour of the despots of our Court.
Ye Knights, take each your lady by the hand,
And modestly submit to her command.
In full procession to the palace go ;
Ourselves will lead you. Let the trumpets blow!
JAMES
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
BY
WALTER RALEIGH
First acted in 1903
PERSONS OF THE DRAMA
James Bagster, a commercial traveller.
Augustus Peckwater, Fellow and Senior Tutor of Craven
College, Oxford.
Camilla Daventry.
Mary, in the service of Henry Jolly, of the Lamb and Flag Inn,
Worcester.
The Scene is laid at Worcester, in the Commercial Room of
the Lamb and Flag Inn.
Time : the Present.
46
LITTLE PLAYS 47
JAMES
The Commercial Room of the Lamb and Flag. A Dinner
Table, with 07ie place laid, at the back.
Enter James Bagster.
James.
jARY! [Sets down his bag, throws himself
into an armchair.} Mary ! ! If that girl
doesn't come ! Mary!!!
Enter Mary.
Mary. You needn't shout so loud. A person hasn't
hardly time to turn round.
]as. A glass of brandy and water, Mary. And, Mary,
not too much water. And — Mary — three lumps of sugar
in it, for I am sick of this deceitful world.
Mary. Why, what's the matter, Mr. Bagster ? You
that was always so cheerful!
J as. Bring the brandy ! [Exit Mary.
What's the use of talking to a girl about fancy shirtings ?
She wouldn't understand. I don't understand 'em my-
self. Seems as if no one cared to have a decent shirt to
his back. I might as well have been travelling in the
Garden of Eden for all the business I've done this day.
48 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Modern love-making's a poor thing ! A grey flannel shirt
has as good a chance as pink stripes and a diamond pin.
Women have no imagination ; it's poetry and sentiment
that fetches 'em — poetry and sentiment in a grey flannel
shirt ! I shall turn colportoor, and hawk the Holy Bible
for all it's worth. Mary!
Enter Mary with the brandy.
Ah ! that's better. Set it down, my dear. Is my dinner
getting ready ? You've laid my place, I see.
Mary. [Embarrassed. ] That isn't for you, Mr. Bagster.
It's for a lady, Sir, if you won't mind.
J as. The deuce it is! What's a lady doing in the
Commercial Room ? And dining, too. I thought they
lived on tea.
Mary. They do mostly, Mr. Bagster. But this one
was very partickler. She wouldn't go into the Coffee
Room, not on no account. She said she'd been deceived
in her own sex, and didn't want never to see them again.
So when she ordered dinner, I thought I'd better put her
here — with your permission, Sir.
Jas. Well, put me beside her. If she doesn't hke
women, she can't object to men. It's a poor world —
there are only two sorts. Perhaps she'll smile on James
Bagster, the Unsuccessful Traveller in Fancy Shirtings.
What's she like ?
Mary. She's a real lady, Mr. Bagster. Never asked
no questions, and ordered me about quite easy and kind,
LITTLE PLAYS 49
just as if she was in her own house. Not bad-looking,
either. There's something mysterious about her, for she
came alone, and when I tell her about the Sights, the
Cathedral, and the Potteries, and the Floral Fete, she
doesn't hsten. But she's quite pleasant-spoken, only
rather nervous-like.
J as. When she wants dinner, show her in here;
James Bagster will do his modest best. Pleasant speech
is his profession. No [to Mary, laying the table], put me
opposite her. Why should I be ashamed of my face?
It has saved me before now.
A Voice. [Off the stage.] Waitress! Waitress!
Enter Augustus Peckwater.
Peck. Waitress ! The Coffee Room is sadly draughty I
Will you be so very kind as to lay me a place here ?
[Mary is already laying a place.
Yes, that will do nicely. And bring me the Menu a la carte.
Mary. Til bring you what you please. Sir. But Tm
laying this place for this gentleman here.
Peck. Very well : the one opposite will do.
Mary. That's for a lady. Sir.
Peck. A lady! Dear, dear, how terribly awkward!
But, no doubt it is an elderly lady ?
Mary. No, Sir, quite young. But I can easily lay you
another place, if this gentleman don't object.
Peck. Well, I suppose I must let you. Dear, dear I
How very tiresome!
E
50 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Jas. [From his chair.] Excuse me, Sir; what's the
matter with the lady ?
Peck. [Starting.] I beg your pardon, Sir, Perhaps
the lady is your wife !
Jas. No, Sir, she's not my wife. But she don't bite,
I believe, and she won't prevent you eating your dinner.
Peck. Whether she prevents me eating my dinner or
not is a question on which it will hardly be profitable for
us to enter. I have not the pleasure of your acquaint-
ance.
Jas. [Rising.] Don't mention it. My name's James
Bagster, Sir, representing the firm of Bleach and Tatters.
Thirty-seven years of age, unmarried, resident at Acacia
Grove, Manchester. Here's my card. Twelve stone ten,
Sir, at your service.
Peck. [Pocketing card.] Well, well, well ; thank you.
When one is in Rome I suppose one must do as Rome
does. [To Mary.] At what hour is dinner ?
Mary. The lady asked for dinner at seven. Sir.
[Exit Mary.
Peck. It is now twenty-seven and a half minutes past
five. That will hardly leave one time for one's usual
constitutional. Personally, I am accustomed to take a
fair amount of walking exercise in the afternoon.
Jas. So am I. And in the morning. And, if the
floral designs don't buck up, I shall soon be on the road
all night.
Peck. Ah! you also believe in active exercise?
LITTLE PLAYS 51
Jas. It don't matter what I believe in, Messrs.
Bleach and Tatters believe in active exercise, and when
they ask for it they see that they get it. I'm merely the
Executant. Might I ask you, Sir, what's your line ? No
offence, I hope ?
Peck. None in the world. The Great Western is my
line. When I say " my line " — of course I do not
exactly own it, but, as I dare say you know, it is the
line most patronized by residents in Oxford, by the
Senior Members of the University as well as by those
who are still in statu pupillari.
Jas. Whew! So it is! [Confidentially.'] If you'U
allow me to say so, j^ou did that first-rate. Music-hall
business fairly brisk? Seems to me it's generally not
much good except in the big money-making centres.
But Oxford's a go-ahead sort of a place, no doubt.
Peck. We should hardly venture, I fear, to describe it
in those terms. We do not pride ourselves on being
" up to date," to use the odious modern slang. And I
personally have but little knowledge of the music-halls :
our young men are not encouraged to frequent them.
Jas. Drapery business, I presume. I don't get
further south than Leamington, or I could show you
something you'd really like. How's Clipper's patent for
detachable cuffs doing with you ?
Peck. It is not doing anything with us, presumably
for the reason that we have nothing whatever to do with
it. I am afraid there is an almost complete misunder-
52 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
standing between us. I belong to the academical world
— indeed, to be perfectly exact, I may say that I am a
Member of the University of Oxford. I am afraid I did
not make this clear.
Jas. My mistake. No doubt that keeps you busy.
Peck. [Smiling tolerantly.] Well, hardly. Mere mem-
bership of the University is not in itself an employment.
But I am also Fellow and Senior Tutor of my College.
Jas. Now I'm with you. Juvenile department, eh ?
Well, it's wonderful what's being done for the boys and
girls of this age. They're fed better, and they're dressed
better, and no doubt they're taught all manner of useful
things. It's wonderful. We're all at it. I put a shirt
or blouse on the body, so to say, and you put a polish
on the mind, and we turn 'em out in their thousands to
be ornaments of Society. [Taking his hat.] Excuse me,
Sir, for a moment ; I must wire to my firm before the
office closes. [Exit James.
Peck. This comes of going to the smaller class of
hotel for reasons of privacy. I suppose one must go
through with it. If the lady is a comparatively educated
person, dinner will be a terrible ordeal. One must do
what one can to protect her. And I have so much to
think of! [Rings bell.
Enter Mary.
Peck. Do you happen to know how far it is from here
to Camberwell Lodge — Mr. Patmore Daventry's place ?
LITTLE PLAYS 53
Mary. Well, Sir, rm not rightly sure. We never see
them here. When they come into Worcester they mostly
go to the Cup o' Tea — the Temperance Hotel, I mean,
Sir. I believe it's a matter of about five mile, Sir. Very
curious gentleman, Mr. Daventry, Sir, if all accounts are
true.
Peck. I have no recollection of asking you for your
opinions concerning the character of Mr. Daventry.
Mary. Beg pardon, Sir, I'm sure. I didn't know the
gentleman was a friend of yours.
Peck. I should hardly be justified in asserting that
he is precisely a friend of mine. In a certain sense he is
rather a relative. In short, when one is engaged to be
married to a man's youngest daughter, one naturally
cannot with propriety listen to idle and frivolous criti-
cisms on his character. I mention this merely as a
warning to you. WiU you have the goodness to order a
closed brougham to be ready for me here at ten o'clock
to-morrow morning, to take me to Camberwell Lodge ?
It is most important that it should be punctual. Per-
haps it would be better to say 9.45, to allow for unavoid-
able accidents.
Mary. Very good. Sir.
Peck. Have you taken a smaU jug of hot water to my
room?
Mary. Yes, Sir.
Peck. And closed all the windows, leaving only an
aperture not exceeding four inches at the top ?
54 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Mary. Yes, Sir.
Peck. Then perhaps one had better get ready for
dinner. Let this be a lesson to you not to form hasty
judgements with regard to contemporaries.
Mary. Ill try, Sir. [Exit Peckwater.
Well, here's a go ! Who'd have thought that he was fit to
walk out with a young lady, let alone marry her ! Not
much of a Bank-holiday for her, I should say !
Enter Camilla.
Cam. They told me dinner was laid here. [Looking
at table.'] I thought I was to have dinner alone ?
Mary. Yes, Miss, I'm very sorry. Miss, but the pri-
vate room's being painted. Miss, so I thought perhaps
you wouldn't mind having dinner in here. There's only
two gentlemen. Miss, if you don't mind. Miss.
Cam. No, why should I mind ? It's better than the
Coffee Room, anyhow. May I stay here till dinner-time ?
Mary. I'm sure, anywhere you please, Miss. And
Mr. Jolly says will you please put your name in the
Visitors' Book. [Opens Visitors' Book and presents to
Camilla.]
Cam. I'd rather not. W^on't it do when I go away ?
[Looking at hook, in alarm, suddenly.'] — Why, what's this ?
Are all these people staying in the hotel ?
Mary. No, Miss; only the last dozen or so, Miss.
Here's Mr. and Mrs. Todgers, they left for Stratford-on-
Avon this morning, Miss — for the Mary Corelli Jubilee,
LITTLE PLAYS 55
Miss. Mr. Wotherspoon, he's gone to London, Miss;
a very nice gentleman, Mr, Wotherspoon, Miss
Cam. Yes, yes — but these others at the bottom of the
page?
Mary. Oh, they're here all right enough. Miss. Mr.
Bagster and Mr. Peckwater — that's the two gentlemen
having dinner with you. Miss.
Cam. Oh, what shall I do ? I can't dine here! I
can't stay here ! Everything is impossible !
Mary. La ! Miss, don't take on so. I can bring you
up a bit of dinner in your room, if you'd rather.
Cam. No, no. I can't stay here a minute ! Pack my
things ; call a cab at the back door ; take the bill up to
my room ; bring me a Railway Guide — Listen ! [A step
is heard in the passage, the handle of the door behind the
screen is turned.] Oh! There he is! [Falls into arm-
chair, and buries her face in her hands.]
Enter James Bagster.
Jas. [Looking first at Camilla and then at Mary.]
Lady in pain ? Can I be of any use ?
Cam. [Looking up.] Thank Heaven! It's not that
dreadful Mr. Peckwater ! [Rising.] Perhaps there's still
time ! I must fly from here ! Oh, where shall I go ?
Jas. If I may advise you. Madam, I would stay
where you are! If you don't object to any one now in
the room, the room shall stay as it is. If you do, any of
us can clear out.
56 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Cam. Oh, but he may come in at any moment!
They'll bring him his dinner here !
Jas. Not if you'd rather not, Madam. Who is this
villain ?
Mary. It's the gentleman you were talking to. Sir.
He couldn't hurt a fly. He's cleaning up for dinner.
Jas. He offends this lady, and he must not be left
at large. Look here, Mary. Go at once to Mr. Peck-
water's room — if that's his name. Unless he has moved
the key, it's outside the door. Turn it very gently, and
conceal it under the mat. Come down and tell me when
you've done it. [Exit Mary.
Meantime, until he is secured, Madam, no one shall enter
this room.
Cam. Oh, thank you, thank you. But he's sure to get
out later, and I must think what to do. I'm ashamed to
behave like this, but if you only knew!
Jas. Any confidence you put in me. Madam, shall be
respected. I will do what I can.
Enter Mary.
Mary. I've locked him in. He's brushing his clo'es.
I don't thinkhe's cleanedupyet. Oh,what'll Mr. Jolly say ?
Jas. I'll talk to your master. Now, Mary, you must
go on guard. When the gentleman begins to knock,
come and tell us again.
Mary. He won't knock ; he'll yell as if the house was
on fire. Oh, what'll Mr. Jolly say ? [Exit Mary.
LITTLE PLAYS 57
Cam. Sir, you have a kind face, and I have no one to
help me. He must have known that I was coming here,
though I told no one, not even my sisters. If I go any-
where else, he'll come and order dinner there. What am
I to do ?
J as. You are to sit down here. Madam, and to tell me,
as clearly as you can, what it is that brings you here, and
what is your objection to the gentleman imprisoned
upstairs.
Cam. Oh, I hate him, and his voice, and his learned
ways, and his silly little conceited airs. He's just like an
old maid, and — and — and — I'm engaged to be married
to him ! Oh, do you think he can get out ?
Jas. Not, I trust, till we have made proper arrange-
ments for him. Where do you live ?
Cam. At Camberwell Lodge. It's not at Camberwell,
but my father called it Camberwell because Ruskin and
Browning lived at Camberwell. It's about five miles
from here.
Jas. Why not go home ?
Cam. But he's going to get me there ! He's only on
his way just now. They're all against me there. They
made me get engaged to him. Besides, I've just run
away from there.
Jas. It's going to be rather a complicated business,
I'm afraid. Would you mind telling me how all this
trouble began ?
Cam. It began long before I was born. My father's
58 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
always been mad on culture : he has quite a kind heart,
he really has, but he thinks there's no one in the world
like authors and professors and people of that sort. So
ever since I can remember we've all belonged to Brown-
ing Societies, and Home Reading Unions, and Live and
Learn Leagues ; and I collected autographs, and Ariadne
(that's my eldest sister) made a Mrs. Humphry Ward.
Birthday Book. And we've always gone to Extension
Lectures, and had the lecturers to tea. Some of them
were quite like ordinary human beings; they made
jokes, and laughed at them themselves. But Ariadne
said they were only faint reflections of the real thing,
and that all the most elevating people stayed quietly in
Oxford, and didn't extensionize. So she got my father
to send her to the George Eliot Hostel, and she got on
splendidly there, and was made a lecturer, and then she
had me up to stay with her for a fortnight. That's how
it all began.
J as. And where did the unfortunate gentleman
upstairs come in ?
Cam. Oh, he came in almost every day ; and Ariadne
said his lectures were most wonderful, and that even
when he coughed, in between the words, his cough was a
revelation. And he told her that I was like Dante's
Beatrice, and that he had always longed for an object
of worship whose image he could enshrine in his heart,
and whose character he could mould to his ideal. That
was me. And I suppose I was stupid; at any rate, I
LITTLE PLAYS 59
didn't in the least realize what was going on, until
Ariadne told me that he had proposed, and that she had
accepted for me. She said it was an enormous honour,
and that he was a most beautifully reverent lover, like
Michael Angelo. So she talked me over, and when I said
I didn't think him good-looking, she said I was base and
material, and that I must learn to live on a higher plane.
But now that he's coming to stay in the house and mould
my character, I feel I can't bear it. I should hate to be
moulded. So I ran away this morning. I'm twenty-one
and I have some money, but I don't know what I'm to do.
Can't you help me ?
Jas. I'm a plain, straightforward man. Madam, and
perhaps I don't understand the delicacies of high societ}^
But if I were in your place, I'd give orders to have that
gentleman let loose, and then I'd tell him to go away.
Cam. Oh, but that's impossible. He's a Tutor of a
College. If I were to be rude to a Tutor of a College, my
father would think I was mad. And he really is dread-
fully clever. He knows all about the mysteries of
Eleusis.
Jas. Well, I suppose they do take some knowing.
But if there's anything in Eloosis more mysterious than
the sudden fluctuations in the demand for cotton shirt-
ings— I should be glad to hear of it.
Ca7n. Oh, my sister would hate it if you talked to her
Hke that !
Jas. I don't want to talk to her. But why don't you
6o LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
go home and explain it all to her, and tell her that you've
changed your mind ?
Cam. No, no, it would never do. You don't under-
stand. I suppose, going about in business, you only
talk to men. Men are perfectly easy to talk to — at least,
most men. But women keep on thinking of something
you didn't say — at least, most women. If I threw him
over, the whole family would feel the disgrace. They
would never, never forgive me.
J as. Then I see nothing for it but to make him throw
you over.
Cam. Don't you think that would be rather mean ?
J as. If you won't stay in the house, Madam, you
must go out either by the front door or by the back.
Besides, it seems you didn't get into this fix of your own
free wiU.
Cam. Well, I should never have done it if my sister
hadn't kept on at me, and told me it would all come right.
But I did say — Oh, how could I bring myself to say it!
And I should have to be nasty to him for weeks before
he would notice. He never looks at you while he talks.
Jas. It's a ticklish job, but it ought to be dealt with
in less time than a week. I'm a plain man. Madam, as I
think I told you. You have honoured me with your
confidence, and I'm bound to do my best for you. The
question is — if I'm to try, will you trust me, and do as
I tell you ?
Cam. Oh, yes, yes. But are you going to let him out ?
LITTLE PLAYS 6i
Jas. Not for a minute or two. My name's James
Bagster; for this evening it will be necessary that,
whenever you speak to me, you should call me James.
Cam. Well, if you don't mind.
Jas. I do not. May I ask, what is your name ?
Cam. Camilla — Camilla Daventry. It's after some-
thing in Virgil.
Jas. Thank you. Now, if you'll kindly go to your
room for a bit, I'll have him down and get him into
order. Come back in about ten minutes.
[Going to the hell.
Cam. Wait, wait! I don't know in the least what
I'm to do. What shall I say to him when we meet ?
Jas. Say ? Say anything that comes into your head.
If it's something cheerful and pleasant, so much the
better, for he's a bilious bird, and we shall need a pick-
me-up. If he asks you any questions, refer him to me.
Don't answer him yourself ; refer him to me. I'm James,
remember — James, your friend. And whatever I tell
him, you must say that's so. Oh, most of it will be so ;
there's no call for lies. If we have any luck, we ought
to get the thing under weigh, and then you must help
yourself. Now I think we're ready. Cheer up !
[Rings the bell.
Cam. It's awful; but I'll think of Joan of Arc and
Boadicea, and I'll come down in ten minutes.
[Exit Camilla.
62 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Enter Mary.
J as. That gentleman may be let out. Is he restless ?
Mary. No, Mr. Bagster, Sir, but I think he's changing
all his clo'es and putting on a white choker. He hasn't
tried the door yet.
Jas. Make haste, then. Go and tell him that I hope
he'll be my guest at dinner. [Exit Mary.
That'll frighten him, and bring him down in a twitter.
[Reads the newspaper , and whistles softly to himself.
Enter Peckwater.
Peck. Hm. Hm. I beg your pardon. Sir.
Jas. It's granted. I hope, Sir, you'll do me the hon-
our to take a bit of dinner with me — pot-luck, you know,
and something to wash it down.
Peck. Er — er — er — That was the very matter con-
cerning which I desired to speak to you. I understand
from the waitress that you wish me to dine as your
guest —
Jas. Right O ! Seems unusual, I dare say. But with
us gentlemen travellers, you know, we're always on the
jog, and the Commercial Room's pretty well the only
home we've got. So if you'll excuse ceremony, and do
the friendly, I'd take it handsome on your part. Besides,
the young lady that's to dine here says she knows you
quite well in Oxford.
Peck. That is utterly impossible. There must be
some dreadful mistake. No young lady knows me quite
LITTLE PLAYS 63
well in Oxford ; — that is to say, none who is at all likely
to be found casually dining on an occasion like the
present.
J as. Well, never mind; no bones broken, even if
you're not the man she takes you for. And as you've
done me the honour to come in here for dinner, you're
my guest, in a manner, already. Come, Sir, I'll take no
refusal. It ain't often that book-learning graces my
humble board, and I'm proud of my luck.
Peck. Dear, dear, what would they think at Camber-
well Lodge, if they found me here — dining with a young
female, too. These brazen modern Amazons ought not
to be permitted to go about alone — it is most embarrass-
ing. What would the Common Room say ? \To James.]
It is to be hoped you do not think. Sir, that one does not
fully recognize your kindly intentions. But although it
would no doubt be inconvenient to have separate tables,
I really must insist, with all the emphasis at my com-
mand, on separate accounts.
Jas. Well, have it as you like. Anyhow, you'll crack
a bottle with me ? What's your lotion ?
Peck. I beg your pardon; I am very much afraid I
do not rightly apprehend your meaning. The only form
of lotion that I am in the habit of using is a preparation
for allaying irritation in the throat.
Jas. Same here. " The gargle, to be taken with,
before, and after food." You're a downy one, you are;
you know all about it. Ah, here's the young lady!
64 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Enter Camilla.
Peck. Camilla ! ! Miss Daventry ! ! ! What has hap-
pened ? How came you here ?
J as. Oh, my friend, I thought you were cutting it a
bit too thick ! Don't know no young lady in Oxford, eh ?
Oh, oh, oh, you're a downy one, you are !
Peck. [To Camilla.] You will kindly pay no attention
whatever to these coarse pleasantries, but inform me at
once — what has occurred ? Is all well at home ? Is your
father with you ? Where is your sister ?
Cam. What ! aren't you glad to see me ?
Peck. In a certain sense, I am, of course, delighted,
delighted. But I could have wished that we had met
elsewhere than in the Commercial Room of a second-
rate hostelry. How came you here ?
Cam. [To James.] How did I come here, James ?
Peck. James ! ! !
Jas. Young lady came in a cab, I believe. She's
going to have dinner with us.
Peck. I cannot possibly countenance any such thing.
\To Camilla.] Are you alone, and unprotected ?
Jas. Of course not. There's me to protect her, and
you, and, if that's not enough, we can call the landlord.
But I don't think we need bother him just now, till the
enemy heaves in sight over the dim horizon.
Peck. There are times when ribald jesting of this de-
scription is most unacceptable. [To Camilla.] Will you,
LITTLE PLAYS 65
or will you not, return with me at once to the shelter of
your father's house ?
Cam. What do you think, James ?
Peck. James ! ! !
J as. Well, since you both ask for my opinion, I should
say that the best thing we can do is to have dinner first.
There's no dodging dinner. Sooner or later youVe got
to have it. Friends are fleeting, and love's a dream, but
dinner's a reg'lar fixture in this vale of tears. So the
best thing to do is to sit down quiet and enjoy it.
Peck. [Bitterly.] Ah, no doubt that is yotir view.
Jas. [Cheerfully.] Everything I say's my view. What's
the young lady's view ?
Cam. I think it would be rather fun to have some-
[ thing to eat. It must be almost ready, and if we went
away now wouldn't it be rather rude ?
j Jas. The honourable member has expressed my
sentiments to a nicety. So let's cut the cackle and pro-
ceed with the business of the evening.
Peck. I cannot lend the support of my presence to
what promises to be a mere orgy of vulgarity. Once
more, Camilla, will you dissociate yourself from this
. person and return with me to your father's house ?
I Cam. Oh, Mr. Peckwater, you mustn't be unkind to
James. He's been very kind to me when I was in trouble.
You ought to be thankful to him for befriending me.
I don't think you're at all generous — there!
Peck. I find myself totally unable to express my
F
66 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
emotions. Here are you, a delicately nurtured girl,
proposing to feast, in a low inn, with one who, whatever
trivial services he may have rendered you, is neither
more nor less than a vulgar itinerant tradesman. Can
you explain this ?
Cam. It was only because I wanted something to eat
— wasn't it, James ?
Peck. Is that the only excuse you have to offer ? I
await your reply.
A pause.
Peck. In that case, I have my position and influence
to consider. One cannot drag one's College through the
mud. I am thankful that I have had my eyes opened on
the threshold of a step that would have been irretriev-
able. I am spared the necessity of making the acquaint-
ance of your father. I shall write at once to that design-
ing woman, your sister, explaining and justifying my
action. I have been deceived by her, and it will be my
duty to bring her, if possible, to a sense of the depravity
of her conduct. As for you, I can benefit you no further ;
I leave you to j^our own meditations and to the protec-
tion of this highly refined person. [Exit Peckwater.
A pause. James laughs guiltily.
Cam. I'm really rather sorry for him. But I'm sure
Michael Angelo can't have been a bit like that.
Jas. Went off like a damp squib, didn't he? And
L
LITTLE PLAYS 67
now let's see whether he's done any harm. In the first
place, Where's he going ?
Cam. Oh, he's sure to go straight back to Oxford.
He doesn't know my father, and I'm certain he wouldn't
like to go on there now.
Jas. So much the better. Then we've got him back
into his box again. But he'll write to your sister.
Cam. I'm not afraid of that. He's sure to write a
perfectly horrid letter. Besides, I can get round her
far better than he can. She's dreadfuUy managing, but
she's very fond of me.
Jas. [With conviction.] I should think she was.
Cam. Oh, have you met her ?
Jas. No, I haven't had that privilege. But I'm a very
quick judge of character at a distance. So she'll listen
to you, will she ?
Cam. Yes; you see, I shaU be there, and he'U only
write letters, and that's always something.
Jas. Yes, I see that. There's a lot of difference
between you there, and him writing letters, and in my
humble opinion the difference is not in his favour. But
now we mustn't get you into a scrape. Do you think
they've missed you yet? Wouldn't it be wise to go
home at once ?
Cam. No, I don't think they've missed me. I often
go long walks and come home quite late. But I ought
to go home soon. Oh, James — Sir — how can I thank
you?
68 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
J as. Better wait and see if there's anything to thank
me for. How about your father ?
Cam. If my sister's all right, he'll be perfectly easy.
He doesn't care much about real life. He's working out
the Bacon theory of Shakespeare.
Jas. I see. Well, with your permission, I will give
my last orders, before I resign command. [Rings bell.
Enter Mary.
Gentleman gone ?
Mary. Yes, Mr. Bagster, Sir ; he's gone off in a dread-
ful tantrum to try to catch the 6.31. Left his clo'es and
all, for me to pack and send to Oxford.
Jas. Good luck to him! Order a cab for this lady
at once. And bring her some dinner as quick as you can.
Cam. Oh, but you must have dinner with me. It'll
be all right if I start in half an hour.
Jas. Very well. [To Mary.] Dinner for two inside
ten minutes; if you take eleven, the Lamb and Flag's
seen the last of me. [Exit Mary.
If it isn't asking too much, Madam, I'll be glad to hear in
a day or two whether all goes well. I shouldn't like to
think I'd made a mess of it. If you'll honour me by
dropping a word to the people here, I should feel grate-
ful. I'm round here every few weeks.
Cam. It's I who am grateful, eternally grateful, to
you. You mustn't go off like this. Of course you must
come and see us when you're back in Worcester. Prom-
LITTLE PLAYS 69
ise! And you really mustn't call me Madam. I didn't
mind a bit calling you James.
Jas. I'm a plain man, Miss Daventry, and a com-
mercial traveller by profession. You'll excuse my saying
that I don't think your relations would value a call from
me — not in the social line. I've been kept hard at work,
and outside the papers I haven't had much time for
fancy reading.
Cam. It's true that Ariadne generally talks of books
the whole time. She's so tremendously clever. That's
what made her admire Mr. Peckwater. But you can't
think, Mr. Bagster, what a comfort it's been to me that
you're not in the least clever. I don't really know what
I should have done without you. And of course if
Ariadne came to realize how you saved me, she'd want
to make a friend of you. Why, you've done more for
me than my family ever did ; they only got me engaged
to Mr. Peckwater, and you got me away from him.
You must come and see us. I owe my happiness to you.
Jas. Well, Miss Daventry, if your sister invites me, of
course I shan't refuse. But I've never known much
good come of mixing drinks or classes. That's where it
is ; you're a very highly educated young lady, and I'm a
commercial traveller. We travellers meet all sorts of
people and all kinds of luck while we're on the road —
good and bad — hither and thither. I've sometimes been
so hard hit that I've felt inclined to lie down in the
nearest ditch and die. It's a poor life, but we have our
70 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
compensations from time to time, and anyhow, I've
been a King this night. I shan't ever forget that you
trusted me, and if you'll allow me, I want, before you go,
to drink to your health and happiness.
CURTAIN
RICHARD
WHO WOULD NOT BE KING
A PUPPET PLAY IN THREE ACTS
BY
WALTER RALEIGH
1911
LITTLE PLAYS
73
RICHARD
WHO WOULD NOT BE KING
ACT I
A room in the Palace. The King and the Queen are
seated at breakfast.
Queen.
7M^ iCm^. My angel!
v^ Queen. But, my love, you do not eat
'&^M!^&, your egg.
King. My angel, I take no joy in my egg.
Queen. O Henry! The egg is a good Qgg\
King. My angel, the egg is perfect. It is a hundred
miles above any possible suspicion. But I take no joy
in it. I am troubled in my mind.
Queen. O dear, 0 dear! You are troubled in your
mind. I am sure the Archbishop has been talking to you.
King. No, my angel, it is not that. He has only said
the usual things. But I have been thinking.
Queen. 0 dear, O dear! You look so pale. You
should not think. Consider what an important King
74 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
you are, even if you never thought at all. What have
you been thinking ?
King. I have been thinking how lonely and dull it is
here in this splendid palace.
Queen. Lonely! Henry, you have me! And I am
sure it cannot be dull, for the dancing dogs are ordered
for to-morrow.
King. I know, my angel, and they ought to be enough.
But I cannot help thinking of Dick. He is the most
interesting person I ever met.
Queen. O, I might have known it was that dreadful
Dick! How can you call him interesting? He was
so rough and common, and he waved his arms up and
down like a railway signal. I was so glad when he went
home.
King. Yes, yes, my angel; of course you are right.
But I cannot help thinking of Dick. He was so hearty
and real. I wonder if we could get him to come back.
Queen. O, this is terrible! [She rises, and walks up
and down in agitation.'] That wretched Dick is spoihng
our Hves. The ladies are all quite silly about him ; it is
nothing but Dick, Dick, all the day long. They have
made a Bag-pudding Club ; and instead of attending to
the Tonic Sol-fa system, they are all making horrid
puddings from morning to night. But I never thought
that you would be so silly. O dear, O dear !
King. Sit down by me, my angel, and let us try to
think. Something must be done.
LITTLE PLAYS i^
Enter the Lord High Goldstick.
Lord High Goldstick. The ladies present their duty,
Sire, and they desire to know if you would graciously
judge the puddings.
King. Let them come in. I will judge the puddings.
[Exit Lord High Goldstick.
King. Cheer up, my angel. Perhaps the puddings
will please Dick.
Re-enter the Lord High Goldstick.
Lord High Goldstick. I forgot to say. Sire, the Prime
Minister is in the ante-chamber. He desires to know if
you would be graciously pleased to make a thousand
Dukes. He says the matter is urgent, and the Dukes
must be ready by to-morrow, or they will be no use.
King. Tell him to call again. I am judging the
puddings. [Exit Lord High Goldstick.
0 my angel, I am so excited! Suppose the puddings
should please Dick! What a day that would be for all
of us !
Enter the Ladies, in cooking-aprons, with puddings.
The Ladies. Here they are!
First Lady. Mine's the biggest !
Second Lady. Mine's the blackest !
Third Lady. Mine's got most plums in it !
[The King inspects the puddings.
76 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
King. O me ! I am the unhappiest of men ! A cloud
is on my mind !
Queen. For shame, Henry! Here you are, in your
splendid palace, with your exquisitely dressed wife, and
all these puddings.
King. A cloud is on my mind. I cannot judge the
puddings.
The Ladies. How terrible! A cloud is on his mind.
He cannot judge the puddings. [They jump about.
Queen. I do not understand. How is it that you
cannot judge the puddings? [She jumps about.
King. If you will all sit down, I will tell you. While
you are jumping about I cannot explain what I feel.
[They sit down on the ground.] Now I will tell you. A
pudding is a real thing. I cannot judge real things. I
do not know enough about them. I have never been
taught about real things. I think all your puddings are
very wonderful, and I believe I could eat them. But
I cannot judge them.
Queen. Nonsense, Henry. You know as much about
them as anyone else.
King. My angel, consider the sort of life I have led.
It has all been like a dream. There is the Prime Minister ;
he is a dear good fellow, and he wants me to make a
thousand Dukes. When I say a man is a Duke, he is a
Duke. But puddings are not like that. What I say
about them does not alter them in the least. What I say
may be wrong, for I do not know about puddings. We
must find someone who knows.
LITTLE PLAYS n
The Ladies. [Rising and jumping about.] We must find
someone who knows !
Queen. I think you have all gone mad. We have all
eaten a great many puddings. I am sure they are not
very nice.
King. Yes, my angel, we have all eaten a great many
puddings. But we did not know what we were eating.
0, if only Dick were here !
The Ladies. O, if only Dick were here! He knows
what he is eating ! He knows ! [They kneel to the King.]
0 Sir, will you be graciously pleased to send for Dick ?
King. I would send for him at once, but I do not know
whether he would come.
Queen. It is quite certain he would not come. He is
very rude, and he does not care a bit.
King. I will offer him the Princess, and half my king-
dom.
Queen. I don't think he likes Mary. When she played
the banjo to him he waved his arms and ran away.
The Ladies. Yes, and he ran away from us ! We were
all perfectly sweet to him.
King. Very well, then. I will not trouble about
Mary, but he must have something instead, so I will offer
him the whole of my kingdom.
Queen. Of course you know best, my love. You have
a kind generous heart, but there will be a great many
arrangements to make, all very troublesome and fussy.
King. Yes, my angel, but think what a pleasure to
make them. Making plans for a holiday is the most
78 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
enjoyable thing there is. O yes, I will send at once, and
offer Dick my kingdom. He can be Richard the Fourth.
Long live King Richard !
The Ladies. Long live King Richard!
Queen. My own impulsive pet, are you not too hasty ?
What makes you think that Dick will come ? When you
last sent for him, he took no notice. He is so very
uncouth. Why, you said yourself that when you spoke
to him, he only stood in the corner and made faces.
King. My sweet angel, I myself will go and see Dick.
He has brusque manners, but his heart is pure gold.
When he made faces at me, I had nothing particular to
say to him, so he was trying to make things less awkward.
Now I am going to offer him my kingdom. I shall take
the Archbishop with me, and the Lord Chamberlain, and
forty solicitors to draw up the deed, so he will see I am
in earnest.
The Ladies. O, how delightful! Long live King
Richard !
Enter the Lord High Goldstick.
Lord High Goldstick. The Prime Minister has called
again. Sire.
King. Dear good fellow ! I must make his Dukes for
him. Tell him that I can give him ten minutes, and that
I am going for a holiday to-morrow. Wish me joy, my
angel. Ladies, attend to your puddings. Dick will be
here to-morrow.
LITTLE PLAYS 79
Queen. Take care of yourself, my love.
The Ladies. Good success to your Majesty!
[They curtsey.
[Exit Lord High Go-lt>s>tick, followed by King.
CURTAIN
8o LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
ACT II
The interior of the Miller's Cottage at Mansfield. The
Miller and his Wife are seated, one at each side of the
fire. Dick is leaning hack in his chair, with his feet on
the table.
Miller. [Sings.']
The landlord he looks very big,
With his high cock'd hat and his powder' d
wig,
Methinks he looks both fair and fat.
But he may thank you and me for that,
For 'tis O, good ale, thou art my darling.
And my joy both night and morning.
Thou oft hast made my friends my foes.
And often made me pawn my clothes ;
But since thou art so nigh my nose.
Come up, my friend, — and down he goes.
For 'tis O, good ale, thou art my darling,
And my joy both night and morning.^
Dick. Hooray ! [Thumps with his feet on the table.]
Here be I !
' The music of this song is in Chappell's Popular Music of the Olden
Time (1893, vol. ii, p. 179).
LITTLE PLAYS 8i
Miller. What's for supper, wife ?
Wife. A bag-pudding and onions.
Miller. Any company coming along ?
Wife. None that I knows of.
Dick. Hooray ! Here be I !
Miller. Get up, Dick, and make room for the supper.
Dick. [Sings.] " Come up, my friend, — and down he
goes." Hooray!
[He gets up, and stands in the corner. A knock-
ing is heard at the door.
Wife. Lift the latch, and step inside, please.
Enter the King.
Miller. Bless my soul if it bain't the King!
King. My good people, I have made bold to call on you:
because I wish to have a few words with your worthy son.
Wife. Speak to his Royal Majesty, Dick.
King. Mr. Richard, I am very pleased to see you
again.
Dick. That's as it may be.
King. How true! Dick is wonderful; wonderful!
How I wish my angel could hear him talk. So sensible !
[To Dick.] Mr. Richard, I have come to offer you my
kingdom. [A pause.] I have brought the Archbishop,
and the Lord Chamberlain, and forty sohcitors. They
are all waiting outside.
Wife. Sakes alive! They'll be up to some mischief
or other in the yard! [Exit Wife.
G
S2 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
King. I very much hope, Mr. Richard, that you will
see your way to accept the kingdom. It is all I have to
offer. You could be Richard the Fourth, you know.
Dick. That's as it may be.
King. I am sure you are right, Mr. Richard. So I
hope you will take the kingdom.
Dick. I won't have it, and that's flat. Here be I !
Enter Wife.
Wife. Here's a fine to-do ! Them soHcitors have got
into the dairy and are eating us out of house and home !
If it please your Royal Majesty, would you call them off ?
King. They shall attend me on my return to the
palace. I fear I have been too sudden. But before I go,
I should like to persuade Mr. Richard to pay me a visit.
We will do what we can to please him.
Dick. I won't go, and that's flat. Here be I !
Wife. O Dick, Dick, remember your poor old father
and mother. They've finished the cream, and they're
starting on the buttermilk.
Dick. Well, Mr. King, have you got a bag-pudding at
the paJace ? Tell me that now.
King. There were three bag-puddings when I left,
and they are making many, many more.
Dick. Right. I'm off. Come along.
King. O, this will be joyful news ! Be pleased to walk
first, Mr. Richard. Good-bye, my worthy friends. This
is a great day for England ! [Exit Dick and King.
LITTLE PLAYS 83
ACT III
A room in the Palace. The King and Queen are seated on
thrones. The Ladies and the Lord High Goldstick
are ranged in front of them. Dick stands in a corner.
Dick. Here be I ! \He waves his arms.] Where be the
puddings ?
King. [Rising.] Mr. Richard, and people of England!
Before we call for the puddings, I wish to say a few
words. And first I will tell you the sad story of my life.
Dick. Here, cut it, Mister! I bain't come here to
listen to no talk ! [He waves his arms.
King. People of England! You hear what Mr.
Richard says, from the depths of his splendid practical
mind. I am no match for Mr. Richard. All my life I
have listened to talk. My palace is a nightmare of ideas.
My ministers talk all day when one of them has an idea.
They often have ideas. When I ordered the Mistress
of the Robes to make a bag for a bag-pudding she only
said, " The idea! " The tutor of the Prince of Wales is
an idealist. I am weary of my life. The Prince of Wales
is weary of his life. The Queen — my angel, are you
weary of your Ufe ?
Queen. Of course, Henry, if you wish it.
84 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
King. The Queen is weary of her hfe. People of
England, from all this I would deliver you. There stands
Dick. He is your true King. Persuade him to rule
over you. I will abdicate in his favour. The Queen —
my angel, speak to the people.
Queen. Of course I think that what the King says is
all very right and proper, though there will be a great
many arrangements to make, all very troublesome and
fussy.
King. The Queen will abdicate. Thank you, my
angel. It rests with you, people of England, to make Mr.
Richard your King. Give him a hearty welcome !
The Ladies. Long live King Richard!
King. Now, Mr. Richard, will you kindly step this
way?
Dick. How often must I tell 'ee, I won't have it!
It's none so fat a job, by your way of it.
King. How real and true he is ! Implore him to rule
over you !
The Ladies. O Mr. Dick, we beseech you to be our
King ! Adorable Mr. Dick, true-hearted Mr. Dick, prac-
tical Mr. Dick, be our King!
Queen. [To King.] My love, I think you should say a
word to them to stop them from being so silly. He'U
only be rude to them if they go on fussing like that.
Dick. Where be the puddings? Fetch 'em out, or
I'm off.
King. What a grasp of reality ! Let the puddings be
LITTLE PLAYS Ss
brought! [A pudding is wheeled in on a table.] Now,
Mr. Richard, I hope you will think better of us. That
pudding is for you.
Dick. I bain't thinking of you ; I be thinking of the
puddings. 'Tis hungry work thinking of puddings.
Bain't there no more than one?
King. 0 yes, Mr. Richard, but that is the best
one.
Dick. That be the best one, be it ? [He laughs long
and loud.] Well, here do be a go! [He laughs again.]
So that be the best pudding, be it? And this be the
best palace, eh ? [He laughs again.] Which be the best
way home ? I be missing my dinner. I'm off.
[Exit Dick.
King. My angel, be strong! Dick is gone! O how
can we bear it ?
The Ladies. O how can we bear it !
Queen. I don't know how we can bear it, though of
course there would have been a great many arrangements
to make, and now we can just go on as we were.
The Ladies. We can just go on as we were. Dick is
gone.
Enter the Lord High Goldstick.
Lord High Goldstick, The Prime Minister has called.
Sire.
King. Dear me, I'm sure I made him his Dukes.
What can he want ? He's a dear good fellow, but I get
86
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
quite nervous about him when he calls so often. Do you
think, my angel, that he has anything on his mind ?
Queen. I'm sure I don't know, Henry.
Lord High Goldstick. He says he has an idea. Sire.
CURTAIN
CONTRIBUTIONS TO
FAMILY MAGAZINES
1908 to 1911
il
\l
CONTRIBUTIONS TO MAGAZINES 89
SONG OF MYSELF
WAS a Poet !
But I did not know it,
Neither did my Mother,
Nor my Sister nor my Brother.
The Rich were not aware of it ;
The Poor took no care of it.
The Reverend Mr. Drewitt
Never knew it.
The High did not suspect it ;
The Low could not detect it.
Aunt Sue
Said it was obviously untrue.
Uncle Ned
Said I was off my head :
(This from a Colonial
Was really a good testimonial.)
Still everybody seemed to think
That genius owes a good deal to drink.
So that is how
I am not a poet now,
And why
My inspiration has run dry.
90 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
It is no sort of use
To cultivate the Muse
If vulgar people
Can't tell a village pump from a church steeple.
I am merely apologizing
For the lack of the surprising
In what I write
To-night.
I am quite well-meaning,
But a lot of things are always intervening
Between
What I mean
And what it is said
I had in my head.
It is all very puzzling.
Uncle Ned
Says Poets need muzzling.
He might
Be right.
Good-night !
Stein, Switzerland
August 19 lo
1
CONTRIBUTIONS TO MAGAZINES 91
THE DABCHICK
HERE are many birds upon the earth
For beauty and for use,
The Partridge and the Pheasant
And the Sage-and-onions goose :
The Snipe and Quail are good to eat.
Although their size is small.
But the Dabchick (O the Dabchick!)
It is no use at all.
The Lark makes music in the heavens,
The Tlirush upon a bough,
The Sparrows on the housetops
Make a cheerful kind of row ;
They all make merry in their glee
And pour their souls abroad,
But the Dabchick (O the Dabchick !)
Is a melancholy fraud.
I'm fond of curiosities,
And every sort of fun ;
And of these curiosities
I think the Dodo's one ;
92 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
He's dead, the dear old Dodo,
And no more will wade and dive,
But the Dabchick (O the Dabchick!)
It never came alive.
Then let us sing a Httle hymn,
And tell what we do think
Of this fabulous deception, made
Of paper and of ink.
When Noah took in all the birds
By order of the Lord,
The Dabchick (serve the Dabchick right!)
He chucked it overboard.
The only Paper in the Ark
Was not a feathered sham ;
It was called the Hippopotamus,
And edited by Ham ;
There was lots of solid reading
In that primitive Gazette ;
But the Dabchick (0 the Dabchick!)
Was no patriarchal pet.
Come all you righteous people,
Who love to think and read,
And truss this most ungainly fowl
Of journalistic breed.
I
CONTRIBUTIONS TO MAGAZINES 93
We love the little songsters
Who hop and run and fly ;
But the Dabchick (O the abominable bird!
O the degraded mongrel!
O the Dabchick!)
We'll dab it in the eye !
94 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
THE HGB
iUR age is an age of progression,
And papers come out by the score,
Every day you can purchase a fresh 'un.
And still be left asking for more ;
There's some that cost only a halfpenny.
And others that run to a bob,
But the brightest and best
In the east or the west
Is that excellent journal The Hoi.
If you haven't a good education.
And are only just learning to read ;
If you're crammed full of book-information,
And 5^our knowledge is running to seed ;
If you're known as a beggar and robber.
Or a man that the poor want to rob.
It's all just the same.
You are badly to blame
If you do not subscribe to The Hob.
The Nutshell comes out every minute,
To keep you from pining away,
There's nothing particular in it.
But it's spicily written and gay ;
CONTRIBUTIONS TO MAGAZINES 95
The Dahchick has pictures and stories.
Some are comic, and some make you sob ;
But the best of all papers
To cure you of vapours
Is the paper that's christened The Hob.
You can use it for boiling the kettle,
It never will tell you a lie,
You can spread it about on a settle,
Or on things that you want to keep dry.
Whatever your purpose and fancy,
You will find it is good at the job ;
You can wrap up the cheese,
Or your boots if you please.
In the pages you tear from The Hob.
You can bind it and keep it beside you.
Or employ it for throwing about
At the vulgar who dare to deride you
Because you are lazy or stout.
If " Donks " is the name that they call you.
You can suddenly drop on their nob
When they're wrapped in sweet slumber
A heavy back number
Of that prize publication The Hob.
You can buy it to read to your mother
To put her to sleep after tea ;
You can make it a loan to your brother
As ballast for going to sea ;
96 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
If your house is attacked by a burglar.
Or beset by a furious mob,
You can drive them away
If you'll only display
The pictures you'll find in The Hob.
So here's to the glory and credit
Of those who are bringing it out !
To the great who contribute and edit,
And the humble who hawk it about I
To the army of people who buy it.
The sage, and the sot, and the snob ;
Let us join their array
Round the hearthstone to-day,
And all of us sit on The Hob.
CONTRIBUTIONS TO MAGAZINES 97
TO THE BIRTHDAY MANAGER
(Of The Dabchick)
\Y writing I am not a dab,
But I send these few lines in my haste.
To ask that you charter a cab.
And send me a cake for to taste.
I should hke a large suetty slab.
It would help to develop my waist ;
At writing I am not a dab,
But I should like a cake for to taste.
I have not the gift of the gab,
And I'm rather unhappily placed.
For I like cake and jam and dressed crab.
And there's none of them here for to taste.
So mind that you charter a cab.
With a cake in it carefully placed.
You can put on a label (or tab).
But you'll find that I'm easily traced.
There's no need to tattle or blab,
I don't want the cab to be chased ;
If you send me the cake in the cab.
There shan't be a morsel of waste.
If you don't send the cake in the cab
(On which this petition is based),
H
^8 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
I have an umbrella to jab,
And I think you will find you're disgraced.
Never mind if there isn't a cab.
It's the cake I desire for to taste.
As much as I ever can nab,
And I rather enjoy almond paste.
Never mind though your prospects seem drab,
And you're hungry and carrotty-faced.
Just send me the cake in a cab,
For I swear I'll have more than a taste.
J
CONTRIBUTIONS TO MAGAZINES 99
THE LION COMIQUE
I, I am the side-splitting Lion
Comique,
With my hat in my hand and
my tongue in my cheek !
My fun is the brightest, my japes are the
oddest ;
'Tis yours to enjoy them, so laugh and be
modest !
Ri-tolderol-toshery-tooral-ri-ol.
My face is so pleasant, my wit is so bright,
That I steadily get my five guineas a night ;
'Tis yours to be modest, to listen and pay,
As I patter my balderdash day after day.
Ri-tolderol-toshery-tooral-ri-ol.
WTien I've said a thing once, I shall say it again ;
'Tis yours to be humble, so do not complain :
I have tears for the humble, whom I call " the paw,'
And the newest of jests on my mother-in-law.
Ri-tolderol-toshery-tooral-ri-ol.
100 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
'Tis you are the public, and I'm the artiste,
Though each of us reckons the other a beast ;
'Tis you must be silent, and leave me to speak,
For I am the side-sphtting Lion Comique !
Ri-tolderol-toshery-tooral-ri-ol.
WORD AND QUESTION GAME
AsHTON Keynes
Summer 1908
WORD AND QUESTION GAME 103
HAVE heard no word of my darling Jim,
And I sit and weep by the sea ;
I am thinking and dreaming all day of him,
Perhaps he is thinking of me.
Perhaps he went wandering over the moor,
And fell down a dark ravine ;
Perhaps he has gone on a cheap Cook's tour,
And has married a dusky queen.
Perhaps in a motor-car, far and fleet,
He is scudding into the night ;
Perhaps he is sitting with wet, wet feet
By the river to wait for a bite.
Perhaps he's enlisted in the Pohce,
Or fallen in the soup tureen ;
But my weary heart aching will never cease,
And its O for the might-have-been !
Send him back ye winds and ye waves so sad,
Send him back ye Sprites and Jinns ;
For he's got my bottle of hair pomade.
And my box of safety-pins.
Question : What has become of Jim ?
Word : Safety-pins.
104 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
'(£^
^^fs:
THE HAUNTED HOUSE
money ;
clambers in through the window-
sashes
And squeaks like a tortured bunny ;
He hides in the flapping curtain,
And he shouts in the singing flame ;
He's a nuisance in anyone's house, that's certain,
But I don't know what's his name.
When I go and get my candle.
And crawl up to bed at night,
He groans when I turn the parlour handle,
And whisks up the stair in white.
I can't tell you what he's after.
Or what is his little game ;
I've had many a fright from his distant laughter,
But I don't know what's his name.
Is he solid or merely vapour ?
I think he's a blooming ghost.
I wish I could pack him in strong brown paper
And send him away by post.
WORD AND QUESTION GAME 105
My life is a burden to me,
I think it's a horrid shame.
The screams of that bogey they go right through me,
But I don't know what's his name.
Question : What's his name ?
Word : Ashes.
io6 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
^^^jHAT is the use of waiting ? "
I heard a blackbird say,
" The flowers are out, and without a doubt
This is the month of May ;
So what is the use of waiting ?
The time has come for mating,
And Tm off to find a wife to my mind
On this beautiful golden day."
" What is the use of waiting ? "
Said a man in a parachute,
" The balloon is bust, and I can't adjust
The ribs of this tangled brute.
So what is the use of waiting ?
I shall have to be gravitating ;
But a smaller jump and less of a bump
On the hard round earth would suit."
" What is the use of waiting ? "
Said a man in evening dress,
" The men I wait on they gorge like Satan,
And can only say ' More ' or ' Yes.'
WORD AND QUESTION GAME 107
So what is the use of waiting ?
And forking and knifing and plating ?
I'd rather dwell in a prison cell
Where the customers eat less.'*
Question : What is the use of waiting ?
Word : Parachute.
io8
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
(^^OW far is it to London ? WeU, my friend,
I do not answer questions till I know
That he who asks them has a worthy end ;
If I should tell you truly, will you go ?
I hate a talkative and idle knave
With silly questions always on his lips :
" Who is your hatter ? " " Where's Cock Robin's grave ? "
" What was the reason of the late eclipse ? "
You seem to me a promising young man,
And if you really want to get away
I shall be glad to help you if I can,
I can't stand here debating all the day.
A place there is to which I bid you go :
It is not London ; it is Jericho !
Question : How far is it to London ?
Word : Echpse.
WORD AND QUESTION GAME 109
HEN I go to my wardrobe and pull out my
clo'es,
g| I hang them on chairs and survey them in
rows.
And which will become me best who the deuce knows ?
My complexion is brown, and my eyes are pea-green.
So the thing that will suit me (I learn from The Queen),
Is a red shooting-coat trimmed with ultramarine.
What's the use of discussing the hundred best books,
Or the hundred best garments? What counts is your
looks ;
The food is all right if you see to the cooks.
So Gammon and Sneck up and Fiddle-de-dee,
With your lubberly Lubbocks and cultured high tea!
The hundred best books are the books that suit me.
Question : What are the hundred best
books ?
Word : Wardrobe.
no LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
IFE rang the bell to call the people in ;
The play was played by Folly, Pride, and
Sin;
Old Age, with fingers trembling and un-
certain,
Turned off the gas, and Death let down the curtain.
Question : Who rang the bell ?
Word : Life.
11
SHORT STORIES
SHORT STORIES
lis
SHORT STORIES
[Most so-called short stones are not short enough. In the
following examples an attempt has been made to
remedy that fault ?^
The Grave
HERE was a tree.
Under the tree there was a grave.
Nothing happened.
II
Two Men
Two men were walking in the street. One went into a
house. The other went away. A pohceman came by,
looking bored. The man did not come out of the house
that day. Next day he came out, but he went in again in
the evening. Perhaps he lived there. Yet he did not
seem content, for he was always coming out and going
in. But perhaps the other was content, for he never
came back.
114 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
III
Dolls
A GIRL had a dolL When she grew up she threw the
doll away. Presently she married, and had a daughter.
She did not throw the daughter away. But the daugh-
ter had a doll and threw the doll away. That was two
dolls thrown away. After that the thing went on quite
regularly. All the dolls were thrown away and none of
the people. But there were always enough dolls, for the
people died. Dolls do not die.
IV
The Tiger
A TIGER lay licking his chops in a jungle in Bengal. He
was a ferocious creature. But when he thought of him-
self he thought of a kitten. He did not seem ferocious to
himself. After a while he ate a native postman. Then
he stretched himself in the sun and purred. Everything
seemed to be all right. Then Mr. Browning came by, and
Mr. Browning was singing a song:
" God's in his heaven,
All's right with the world,"
sang Mr. Browning. Then the tiger ate Mr. Browning.
SHORT STORIES 115
V
The Hymn-Singers
A MAN went into a church where people were singing
hymns. " Why do you do that ? " said the man. " To
please God," said the people. " O," said the man, " I
thought it was to please yourselves." " Something of
that too," said the people. " Well," said the man, " it
doesn't please me." So he went out.
VI
Fame
A BOY once went to school. He did many things and got
hardly any marks for them. So he cut his name on the
desk. " There ! " said the boy ; " now they will remem-
ber me." But when they read his name, a hundred
years later, they thought he was someone else.
1908
SOME THOUGHTS ON EXAMINATIONS
ON EXAMINATIONS 119
SOME THOUGHTS ON EXAMINATIONS
OD gave Faculties, and the Devil sent
Examiners.
We are as near to Heaven in the Fourth
^^ Class as in the First.
No one was ever injured by missing a First : all who
deserve a First read for fun, and have their reward.
Tutors believe in Predestination : Examiners in Works.
The World was made in a week, and its Maker pro-
nounced it good. At that time there were no Examiners.
A Fourth Class Honours degree is a degree with
Honours. Examiners often forget this.
A Second Class Honours degree is a degree with
Honours. Candidates often forget this.
The Oxford Final Schools and the Day of Judgement
are two examinations, not one.
Doctor Johnson said that questioning is not the mode
of conversation among gentlemen. Doctor Johnson
left Oxford without a degree.
Not all Firsts are geniuses.
There goes more to a First than hearsay.
The fastest runner lost the obstacle race.
No race was ever won except on the race-course.
A headache lost the battle of Waterloo.
120 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Candidates write their opinions in manuscript books :
Examiners on class lists. Both are often wrong.
The brilliant man who did not know, and the learned
man who did not think, met in the Second Class and
disliked each other. The poet sat in the Third and
laughed.
Knowledge cries out for recognition: Wisdom that
asks for recognition is Folly.
The nightingale got no prize at the poultry show.
No instrument smaller than the World is fit to measure
men and women : Examinations measure Examinees.
When three Examiners differ, the odd man is the Holy
Ghost.
When three Examiners agree, then is the time to study
the psychology of middle-aged pedagogues.
The King who made all his subjects Dukes was an
anarchist.
In Examinations those who do not wish to know ask
questions of those who cannot tell.
The apprentice spent three years hammering at
leather. Then said the shoemaker, " This shoe is badly
cobbled." " Who talks of cobbling ? " said the appren-
tice ; " I am a man of genius."
If preferment and merit always went together, there
would be no escape from the pit.
" Why do you condemn that man ? " said the Philan-
thropist. " Because," said the Judge, " the jury and I
think him guilty." " That is merely an opinion," said
ON EXAMINATIONS 121
the Philanthropist, " as a matter of fact he is the best
man I ever knew." " I daresay," said the Judge.
The Ideahst took a giraffe to the cattle market. " An
intelligent lot of farmers you have there," he said, when
he came home ; " my beast was the tallest in the place,
and there was no bid for it."
Shakespeare did not write so much in all his life as is
written in a single room during one week of examination.
Yet some dotards deny progress.
THE TWO MORALITIES
'■I
THE TWO MORALITIES 125
THE TWO MORALITIES
An Address delivered to a Liverpool Audience
""^/HERE are not many questions that philo-
sophy can hope to answer, and the progress
of philosophy consists not so much in
solving the old problems and propounding
new, as in finding a new and, if possible, a clearer ex-
pression for the identical problems that occupied the
earliest philosophers.
In this way questions that absorbed the energies of
whole generations disappear, not because they are finally
answered, but because they are restated in other terms.
Every question, or wellnigh every question, that
divided the nominalists and the realists is an unanswered
question to-day ; but the terminology and the method of
approach have altered, so that we are free to talk, if we
please, of the futilities of the schoolmen, who discussed
the eternal mysteries of time and space, love and pain,
in terms borrowed from theology when we prefer to
borrow an equally abstract vocabulary from science.
But there are dead questions as well as old questions
still alive in a new dress. One of the constant activities
of philosophy is the attempt to show that certain specific
questions, which have engaged the attention of thinkers.
126 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
are idle, that they involve contradiction and nonsense
in their very statement, or that the disputants who have
argued so hotly on the one side and the other are divided
by no difference save the partiality of their own points
of view. An attempt has been made, as it seems to me
with reason, to dismiss the question of free will in this
way. No one denies that man is free, if he be not
physically constrained, to do this or that. But for the
sake of clearness we map man out into artificial provinces
according as we see him in this aspect or that, emotion,
sensation, cognition, will, and the rest, and then discuss
the boundaries and government of these provinces as if
we were international lawyers sitting on a frontier
commission. The action of the man is determined by his
will. His will is determined by the strongest motive or
army of motives. But what determines the motive or
constitutes its strength ? We can hardly answer this
question without being driven back to a consideration
of the man once more, as a bundle of habits, instincts,
impulses, woven of the operation of experience round a
central self, fitted to the central self as a glove is fitted
to a hand, and shaped by it as a web is shaped by the
loom. So that having cut man into bits in order to
explain him, we find that we cannot explain any one
of the bits until we have put them together again and
forgone the use of our artificially simple and quite
misleading terminology.
I wish merely to propose a question, not to answer it ;
THE TWO MORALITIES 127
and I shall think I am successful if the question I pro-
pound cannot be shown to be an unreal question — one of
those thousand questions that take their rise from con-
fusion of thought or excess of dialectical distinction and
subtlety. And as it is a question in morals, I should
prefer to put it in some way that relates it at once to
practical life — to show that it is not, hke free will, a
question that has never troubled anyone save philoso-
phers in their studies, but rather that it has bewildered
man in the market-place and the battlefield with a choice
between two aims and two principles of action mutually
inconsistent. Stated abstractly it is the question that
arises from the diverse and sometimes conflicting prin-
ciples of self-regard and self-sacrifice. Stated in more
dangerously concrete form it might be put thus : " How
is it possible to be a Christian and a gentleman? " —
taking the first term in its simplest, clearest, and most
absolute meaning, and the second with all the best of the
associations that have grown round it in the course of
ages. Or, to put it in yet another form, how is any code
of honour to be reconciled with a code founded on the
precepts of the Gospels ?
I have called these two codes the Two Moralities.
I believe them to be two, although I am well aware that
neither of them is easily to be found unmixed in practice.
There are men, humane, generous, upright, and mag-
nanimous, whose code of action, inherited and accepted
by them, has in it not the smallest tincture of distinct-
128 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
ively Christian principle; it would be harder, though
perhaps not impossible, to find among those who do
sincerely and actively follow the precepts of the Gospel
a man who did not in some matters and on some occa-
sions shape his action rather by an appeal to his own
unchastened pride or self-respect.
To thine own self be true.
And it must follow, as the night the day.
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
That is a principle of self-assertion. It is not distinct-
ively a Christian principle, although it is capable of
great sacrifices from motives of pride.
The Englishman of Sir Alfred Lyall's poem who is
caught by the Mahometan rebels at the time of the
Mutiny and asked as the price of his life to repeat the
formula, "There is no god but God, and Mahomet is his
prophet," exemplifies this code. He is not a Christian;
he reflects that he believes the Mahometan creed to be
as true as another :
Ay, but the word, if I could have said it,
I by no terrors of hell perplext ;
Hard to be silent and have no credit
From man in this world or reward in the next,
None to bear witness and reckon the cost
Of the name that is saved and the life that is lost.
But he cannot say it, his gorge rises, and he dies for the
pride of his name and country. More vivid than the
poem is the short extract from a newspaper on which the
THE TWO MORALITIES 129
poem is based : " They would have spared Hfe to any of
their Enghsh prisoners who should consent to repeat the
usual short formula of Mahometanism ; hut only one
half-caste cared to save himself that way."
My only object in quoting this is to illustrate the power
of the non-Christian morality based upon pride or self-
respect, its power even in self-sacrifice. These principles
of honour and self-respect are inherent in the better-
bred members of all governing races, and produce
admirable, if rather odd, mixtures of behaviour in those
of them who profess Christianity. Spenser, Bishop of
Norwich, who, in the fourteenth century, defeated the
rebels in battle at the head of his feudal levy, condemned
them to death by legal process as judge, confessed and
absolved them as priest, and hanged them in his capacity
of sheriff, is only a more vigorous prototype of many an
excellent modern who combines the duties of priest and
squire, and administers an equal-handed justice to those
who do not know their catechism, and to those who are
found poaching game.
Moreover, Christianity has long been the professed
religion of Europe, and all kinds of compromises, allow-
ances, and concessions have grown up and even come
to seem natural. It is instructive to see the excitement
caused by the appearance in the seventeenth century of
a man like George Fox, or, in the nineteenth, of one like
Count Tolstoi, and the reprehension that they earn while
each in his own simple way attempts to put into practice
K
130 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
the precepts of the GospeL Some of these precepts are
usually, for educational purposes, explained away, e.g.,
" Take no thought for the morrow what ye shall eat or
what ye shall drink " is made to run " Give only reason-
able thought to the bare necessities of life, so as to avoid
the fault of improvidence, for the rest let your mind be
fixed on higher things." But if language means any-
thing, the precept should certainly be interpreted " Be
ye improvident."
I am got into a well-worn groove, and need not multi-
ply instances when everyone can supply them from his
own memory. Some compromise and adaptation was
inevitable when the visions and inspirations of a seer
were taken as the basis for the ordering of a community.
The salt of the earth may keep its savour while it is
sprinkling only, but if the whole dish were salt, how are
ordinary appetites to be satisfied ? The Catholic Church
has always recognized the difficulties of the position, and
has allowed large concessions to political and family
duties. Not every priest dares aspire to saintship, not
every man is called to be a priest. And so by the creation
of an imperium in imperio, an aristocracy of humility
and piety and devotion within the Church, something of
the ideal has been preserved. The religion of the Gospels
is essentially aristocratic in this sense, that it is a religion
for rare natures, and that any popularization of it
alwaj^s has been, and so far as can be foretold always
will be, something of a parody. (Such a parody has
THE TWO MORALITIES
131
lately had a circulation of 4,000,000 copies — a novel in
which patriotic sentiment and the sexual interest are
united in the blend that has become almost a recipe for
success, and in which it is seriously considered whether
Jesus Christ, if he were editor of a Chicago newspaper,
would permit advertisements of whisky to appear in the
columns of his journal.)
But the fact is, the difficulty is deep-seated and need
not be illustrated from these baser examples. The
Gospel precepts admit of no transaction. " They that
say such things declare plainly that they seek a country.
And truly, if they had been mindful of that country from
whence they came, they might have had opportunity
to have returned. But now they desire a better country,
that is, an heavenly." What is it to them that their
conduct, if it became the rule, would make the con-
tinuance of civil society difficult or impossible? The
material prosperity and social order that law and politics
take such pains to preserve and increase are no part of
their care. They are strangers and pilgrims, content to
live on the alms of those in whose country they pitch
their tent for one short night. If you reproach them
with their dependence on others whose labours increase
the stock of material wealth, and maintain the social
fabric, they are ready with a perfect answer ; they care
nothing for their lives, and if so they might the sooner
wake and find their dream true, would willingly see the
world shattered into a million fragments. How dare
132 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
they spend time and thought on cherishing and decorat-
ing the painted veil called life, when their desires are
fixed on what it conceals? When Tacitus called the
Christian religion a " deadly superstition," he spoke
as a true Roman, a member of the race of empire-builders
who denied the franchise to fathers with fewer than three
children. His subtle political instinct scented danger
from those who looked with coldness on the business and
desire of this world. He could not foresee, for he knew
Christianity (so far as he knew it at all) only in its
earliest form, that a time would come when Lord
Kitchener, a man after his own heart, should repre-
sent the civiUzing mission of an empire that has ac-
cepted the name of Christian. The historical problems
that seized on the imagination of Gibbon when he saw
Christianity throned in the seat and wielding the rem-
nants of the power of the old pagan empire is still, after
all Gibbon's efforts, the chief problem suggested by the
history of western Europe.
It is impossible for me to get help from history, for
history has not often exhibited the two types of character
and conduct in clear contrast. Many of the pagan vir-
tues survived and survive to this day. The spirit of the
Roman repubhc is not dead. The spirit of the German
warrior gave shape to feudal institutions, and through
them is influential to-day in all moral questions. The
two moralities, as I said, are intermixed and can be
separated only theoretically. A man who sincerely,
THE TWO MORALITIES 133
arduously, and painfully follows, or strives to follow, the
Gospel teaching in many of the affairs of life will fall
back on the other morality when he is attacked by rob-
bers in a dark lane. His instinctive and impulsive actions
are still exactly what they were in the forests of Germany.
I cannot enlarge further on the difficulties and contra-
dictions which arise when we conceive the highest pre-
cepts of the Gospels to be accepted and followed in daily
life by all the members of a nation. Anyone who has
thought on the question will not be likely to deny or
ignore them. Self-sacrifice for its own sake generally
followed would make an end of any community. Self-
sacrifice for the sake of others would lose its fairest field
of action in a community where aU were actuated by the
same desire. It is habitual with men of a practical turn
of mind, and with those impatient of speculation, to
make appeal, at this point in the argument, to common
sense. Common sense is an excellent guide, but it never
yet led anyone to the acceptance of the Christian m^'s-
teries or the practice of a Christian life. Its jurisdiction
is wholly alien to the question. Enough is left to it, for
nothing like the community I imagine has ever been seen
in the world; the principle of self-regard still holds a
wider and stronger sway. There remains, therefore, the
other side of the question, instead of considering how a
Christian can be a good citizen, I wish to consider how a
gentleman can be a Christian.
The German rhapsodist, Frederick Nietzsche, has put
134 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
the question in his own way in his Genealogy of Morals.
The book is hoarse with prejudice and obscure with
passion. If, therefore, I borrow his distinction of slave-
morahty and master-morahty, it is because I beUeve he
has formulated a real problem, and on the side of master-
morality at least has given incidentally a valuable
description of the conduct and character that is still
called noble.
Slave-morahty, which Nietzsche illustrates by refer-
ence to Christianity, begins according to his account in
resentment. In its very genesis it says " no " to some-
thing exterior. Its action is throughout reaction, and it
determines its moral values by denying the values that are
accepted as a matter of course by more generous natures.
The reverse is true in the case of noble valuation. It
acts and grows spontaneously. It only seeks for its
antithesis in order to say still more thankfully, still
more rejoicingly. Yea to itself. Its negative concept
" low," " mean," " evil," is merely a late-born and pale
after-image in comparison with the positive fundamental
concept of the noble valuation, which is thoroughly
saturated with life and passion, and says : " We, the
noble; we, the good; we, the fair; we, the happy!"
Sometimes it mistakes and misrepresents the lower
natures which it despises. But the action of contempt,
of looking down, will never falsify its object so completely
as will suppressed and cunning hatred, the revenge of the
impotent, which maltreats its opponent in effigy.
THE TWO MORALITIES i35
A kind of pity is mixed with the contempt felt by large
natures, and the idea of unhappiness blends with, and
sometimes almost obscures, the idea of lowness and
meanness.
" The life of the noble man is self-confident and self-
sincere," whereas " the man of resentment is neither
sincere, nor naive, neither honest nor straightforward
against himself. His soul squints ; his mind loves hiding-
places, alleys, and back doors; everything hidden
appeals to him as his world, his shelter, his comfort;
he is master in the art of keeping silence, of forgetting
nothing, of waiting, of provisional self-diminution, of
self-humiliation. A race of such men of resentment will
at last, of necessity, be more prudent than any noble
race ; it will also learn to appreciate prudence in quite
different measure, namely, as a primary condition of
existence; whereas prudence in the case of noble men
is apt to have about it a dainty tang of luxury and
refinement. For in their case prudence is far less essential
than the perfect rehableness of function of the regulating
unconscious instincts, or even a certain imprudence, such
as readiness to encounter things — whether danger or an
enemy — or that eccentric suddenness of anger, love,
reverence, gratitude, and revenge, by which noble souls
at all times have recognized themselves as such. Even
the resentment of superior man, when it appears in him,
acts and exhausts itself in the reaction which follows at
once, and hence it does not poison. And again, it will
136 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
not manifest itself in countless cases, in which with the
poor and the feeble it is inevitable. Not to be able to
take seriously, for a long time, an enemy, or a misfor-
tune, or even one's own misdeeds — that is the charac-
teristic of strong and full natures, abundantly endowed
with plastic, formative, restorative, and also obliterative
force : a good example of this is Mirabeau, who had no
memory for insults and affronts received, and who could
not forgive for the sole reason that he forgot. Such a
man, with a single jerk, shakes off much vermin which
burrows in others. Only in natures like these is it pos-
sible, if on earth it be possible at all, to find true ' love '
for one's enemies. How much veneration for his enemy
has not superior man ! — and such veneration is already
a bridge to love. He demands an enemy for himself as
his distraction ; he will only suffer an enemy in whom he
finds nothing to despise and very much to honour! "
I value this description not for its antithesis, but for
what seems to me the insight and happiness with which
Nietzsche describes the noble races, the makers of the
master-morality. In the modern idea of a gentleman
there are many of these traits still extant, traits originally
of what Nietzsche elsewhere calls " the splendid blond
beast, lustfully roving in search of spoils and victory."
" In every land and sea," said Pericles, in his famous
oration to the Athenians, " our boldness has cut a way
for itself, setting up for itself, everywhere, imperishable
monuments for good and for evil." The same traits
THE TWO MORALITIES i37
appear in our modern English games, which we hardly
inherited from Christianity. It is a deep-seated instinct
that makes a gentleman unwilling to shrink from a
proffered combat or rivalry, even in a drinking bout,
unwilling to allow prudential motives to carry the day.
The frontier tribesmen in India are better disposed to the
EngUsh after a war than before. Their homesteads have
been ruined and their valleys desolated, but they have
met a worthy enemy in whom they recognize their own
strength and eagerness for the game of war. Not one
of them looks at the question from the utilitarian and
sentimental point of view of those who plead their cause
in England. When they come into camp for a parley,
or are brought in as prisoners, they banter the English
officers on their bad shooting as if it were a military
tournament. A man of this character (I take the
Pathan as a passing illustration) seeks self-fulfilment by
way of self-assertion, not by way of self-abnegation. He
is magnanimous and loves his equals, hating the rela-
tionships of subservience or patronage alike. The
eccentric suddenness of the natural passions, which
Nietzsche remarks on, is a mark even of the modern
gentleman. He acts by his unconscious instincts,
whether acquired or inherited, he does not distrust
himself, he indulges his impulses, and fulfils his desires.
It is easy to take a kindness from such a man without any
sacrifice of pride, for he is pleasing himself, not patron-
izing nor conciliating you, so no debt is created, and
138 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
your gratitude is not weighed in a balance. His intellec-
tual processes are equally quick and confident. He jumps
to conclusions, and reaches his judgement on men and
conduct instantaneously. This is what Dr. Wilham
James, perhaps the best of living American psychologists,
has to say on this point : " The essence of plebeianism,
that which separates vulgarity from aristocracy, is,
perhaps, less a defect than an excess, the constant need
to animadvert upon matters which, for the aristocratic
temperament, do not exist. To ignore, to disdain, to
overlook, are the essence of the gentleman. Often most
provokingly so, for the things ignored may be of the
deepest moral consequence. But in the very midst of
our indignation with the gentleman, we have a con-
sciousness that his preposterous inertia and negativeness
in the actual emergency is, somehow or other, allied
with his general superiority. It is not only that the
gentleman ignores considerations relative to conduct,
sordid suspicions, fears and calculations which the
vulgarian is fated to entertain; it is that he is silent
where the vulgarian talks; that he gives nothing but
results where the vulgarian is profuse of reasons ; that he
does not explain or apologize ; that he uses one sentence
instead of twenty; and that, in a word, there is an
amount of interstitial thinking, so to call it, which it is
quite impossible to get him to perform, but which is
nearly all that the vulgarian mind performs at all. All
this suppression of the secondary leaves the field clear —
THE TWO MORALITIES i39
for higher flights if they should choose to come. But
even if they never came, what thoughts there were would
still manifest the aristocratic type and wear the well-
bred form."
This brief sketch and these quotations must serve
for description of the character. In action, and feeling,
and thinking there are the same fundamental character-
istics. Many of them are set forth, to take one illustra-
tion more, by Walt Whitman :
I know I am august,
I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood,
I see that the elementary laws never apologize,
(I reckon I behave no prouder than the level I plant my house by,
after all).
Or where he praises the animals, for their quiet content
with themselves :
They do not sweat and whine about their condition,
They do not lie awake in the dark or weep for their sins.
They do not make me sick, discussing their duty to God.
This last quotation may serve to introduce my ques-
tion. Walt Whitman does not consider it. He takes
up his own attitude, holds his own creed, his " foothold
is tenon'd and mortised in granite," and the question
for him would be rather how far does the teaching of
Christianity happen to fall in with his own convictions
than how far his own convictions conform to Chris-
tianity.
140 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Christianity teaches, and has constantly taught,
original sin, the corruption of man's heart. In practice,
from the Spanish Jesuit to the English Puritan, it has
encouraged self-examination, self-questioning, self-dis-
trust. Millions of people under its regime have lived in a
morass of scruples and misgivings, checking and trying
the impulses of their hearts in case they should be evil,
disciplining and emaciating their natural desires and
instincts. Instead of the full exercise of all exuberant
healthy functions, Christianity has taught abstinence
and asceticism ; for pride as a motive of action it has
substituted humility, for the qualities of the hawk and
the lion those of the dove and the lamb.
How far are the good elements of the one code recon-
cilable with the good of the other ? And if they are
not altogether reconcilable which of the two is to be
preferred ?
I believe there is a real question here, and I should be
sorry if the reputation of anything ill-considered or ill-
expressed by me were allowed to draw us away from the
true issue. The question is rather: "Is there any
difficulty ? Has it been felt by many men in the ordering
of their lives or actions ? How may it best be stated ? "
I promised only to ask a question, but I shaU guard
against useless misunderstandings if I allude more
explicitly to certain positions that I do not wish to
maintain and certain questions that I do not desire to
rouse.
THE TWO MORALITIES 141
In the first place, nothing that I have said, on the one
part, by way of demur to the character fostered by
Christianity, appHes in the shghtest degree to the most
singular and beautiful exemplifications of that character.
It is only the small characters that are consistent, in
the great there is always a strong and merciless indi-
viduality that subdues to itself all sorts of diverse
elements. St. Francis of Assisi fulfilled himself by self-
abnegation as fully as any pagan warrior ever did by
self-glorification, he poured out his soul in adoration of
the great things of nature as simply as any sun-wor-
shipper. Or, not to shrink from the test by omitting to
consider the crucial case, there are in the Gospels sayings
attributed to Jesus Christ, and actions related of him,
which have never been harmonized or thoroughly
incorporated in any system of Christian dogmatics.
Some of the sayings are reported by men who plainly
did not understand them, and therefore are the more
significant. " Destroy this temple, and in three days I
will raise it up." " I came not to send peace, but a
sword." There is a fierce irony and brevity in the reply
to the young " ruler " who came to him wdth the lazy
suave address " Good Master, what shall I do to inherit
eternal life? " The conventional expression is torn to
pieces at once — " Why callest thou me good ? None is
good save one." And then, for answer to the question,
the Jewish commandments are solemnly recited as an
epitome of the duty of man ! There is no more live scene
142 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
in the Gospels, none more convincing by the very
audacity of the irony.
All the elements that have been noted as the marks
of the noble character, individuahty, suddenness, sur-
prise, the indulgence of a vein, are present in this con-
versation. We feel that we have to do not with a code,
but with a person. And if, forgetting for a moment
the modern impoverishment of the word, you care to add,
with a gentleman, I raise no objection : at least it is a
better term here than in the much-praised lines of
Dekker, which I have always found somewhat inade-
quate, with their too much sweetness or too little
strength :
The best of men
That e'er wore earth about him was a sufferer,
A soft, meek, patient, modest, tranquil spirit,
The first true gentleman that ever breathed.
And now, if I admit so much in the greatest examples,
or example, it may be urged that I have made an end
of the difficulty I propose. I think not; for, in the
second place, I am dealing not primarily with the
Christian religion, but with Christian morality. The
amazing sayings of a person have been codified and
taught as the necessary basis of morality. The greatest
Christians, those who by natural sympathy have laid
the finest hold on Christianity, and have exemplified its
spirit most brilliantly and unconsciously, have for the
most part cared comparatively little for Christian
THE TWO MORALITIES i43
morality as a code of law, and much for the mystical
and emotional elements in the religion. Great deeds
and great thoughts spring from the heart. The fruit
grows on the tree, as Luther remarked, or it is dead and
rotten. But nevertheless the choice between the religion
and the morality has taken place. How else could we
speak of a Christian nation, and not speak nonsense?
The conception of a nation is an unchristian, if not an
anti-Christian, conception : tribal morality, honourable
and considerate if you will, but still the morality of the
gentleman of the old duelling days, is all-powerful here.
It is a kind of nonsense to speak of the Christianizing
mission of a nation ; men, not as members of a nation,
but as living souls, are the only possible conduit-pipes of
the Christian religion. The wind bloweth where it
listeth, and a heavy burden of hypocrisy is inevitably
laid on any body of men who pretend, even for an
instant, that the wind follows the flag.
The separation of Christian morality from the extra-
ordinary qualities of insight and faith that generated it
has gone further yet. Thousands of people lead pitiful
lives of restraint and contorted effort in setting them-
selves to imitate the ideal set up. But imitation, or
conscious imitation at least, is vain and futile : further,
it produces a particularly unlovely type of character.
I know that I am merely repeating the doctrine of most
of the pulpits of Christendom : I must be excused, for I
want it for my own ends. All kinds of false motives run
144 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
riot in this pseudo-Christian character : fear, they say,
is out of date ; it was a poor motive, perhaps, but more
respectable in essence than the desire to influence or
edify others.
The unselfishness that knows itself for unselfishness,
that is conscious of itself either as an imitation of the
great Exemplar, or as a model that may profit others, is
put to shame at once by the unselfishness of those natures
with which it is a natural function, like breathing.
Along with the unhappy consequences that ensue from
the attempt to codify Christian morality as law for those
who profess and call themselves Christians, there must be
considered the train of consequences, not less unhappy,
that result from the attempt to democratize it. Any new
principle of valuation in the realm of ideas, especially one
so startlingly new as that introduced by the Christian
religion, is bound to cut across all received distinctions
and hierarchies. The highest type of Christian character
may be found in a man of any class, high or low, rich or
poor. Hence one can pass, by an easy fallacy, to the
further proposition that it ought to be found in men of all
classes and everywhere, and if it be not found, then that
it should be cultivated. But it is a shy plant, and does
not take kindly to cultivation. It is natural and inevit-
able that a man should give voice to what he believes,
when he hopes or thinks that he may move or help his
fellows. But the Evangelicism of the last century made
a kind of bastard Christian democracy; with the best
THE TWO MORALITIES 145
motives it debased Christian ideas, and made the high
figures of mystics an odious jargon. It is commonly
taken as a slight on the books of the Bible to ask that
they should be read as poetry, but if only the Gospel
of St. John were treated with the average amount of
reverence that is paid to a great poem, how much better
it would fare than it does at present !
I may seem to be suggesting an answer to my question,
which is more than I intend to do. But I do not wish
to conceal my conviction that any satisfactory answer
must take full account of the extraordinary rarity of the
Christian type of character. It is the modern fashion
to state these things in the language of naturalism : to
say that the occurrences of a certain temperament are
few ; I had rather use the old theological language and
shelter myself under the orthodoxy of St. Paul and St.
Augustine, and even of John Calvin whom, though I
abhor him for some things, I respect for this, that he
taught the doctrines of prevenient grace, of predestina-
tion, of the difficulty and rarity of the Christian calling,
and of the impotence and folly, with regard to ultimate
things, of all human culture and human effort.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN"
1898
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 149
LOVE'S PROGRESS
iUPID rubs his eyes and wakes,
Sees the world is very fair.
Flutters out, and makes mistakes,
Is reproved, and — unaware
That he is not all to blame —
Cries for shame.
Cupid, older grown, must learn
A severer etiquette ;
Though his cheeks with blushes burn,
And his eyes with tears are wet.
Powder for the cheeks, for th'eyes
Graceful lies.
Cupid, formal now and staid,
Finds his sight is getting dim.
Seeks retirement's grateful shade.
Says the world must visit him.
Shuns assemblies, concerts, balls :
No one calls.
150 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Cupid limps on crutches twain,
Long ago his wings were shed ;
Cynical, in constant pain,
Till one morning finds him dead.
Poets flock to lay their verse
On his hearse.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" i5t
STAND ON THE TRESTLES OF
THE WORLD
TAND on the trestles of the world.
And mark the humours of the fair,
Where jugglers' flaming knives are hurled^
And God leads round His starry bear.
Here, on the boards, the prince of clowns,
Man, in his motley struts and leers.
And with his mirthless laughter drowns
The humming music of the spheres.
The air grows chill ; the farce is played ;
His tinsel doffed, in tattered plight
(See how the torches flare and fade !)
He passes out into the night.
152 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
TO A BAPTIST FRIEND
About to take a Short Holiday Abroad
Written on behalf of a Touring Agency
My Dear Sir,
TRUST you will pardon my addressing
you directly in the matter of our circular
tours. A common friend of ours, Professor
p****** Q****^ ]^^5 informed me that
you contemplate a little trip abroad, and are looking for
suitable companions. May I recommend our cycling
tour through the Rhine country as likely to be specially
breezy and invigorating? For one who likes cultured
society I am sure it would be a real refreshment. We
have already three schoolmasters (one of them a head
master), two lady teachers of the viohn (one of them a
Baptist), a secretary to the Oldham Young Men's Chris-
tian Association, and a good many other people of real
worth and distinction who have promised to join the
tour. There will be, we hope, some forty or fifty of us
in all, and we shall cycle together, so that no member of
the party may feel lonely. Among some of the grandest
historical associations offered by the Continent we shall
make ourselves quite at home, beguihng the way with
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" i53
chat and merriment. Special arrangements have been
made with innkeepers to supply a British bill of fare for
the party, which will it is hoped obviate the objections
of those who disHke the greasy foreign cooking. We
should be particularly gratified by your joining us as we
have always made a special feature of art-workers on
these educational trips. I may mention that Dean
Farrar will lecture to us on " Art in the Home " during
our passage up the Rhine, and Mr. Clement Shorter will
give readings from Smiles's Lives of the Engineers in the
sacristy of Cologne Cathedral. By special request of the
ladies a lecture on the " Horrors of Vivisection " will be
delivered by Miss Spoonbill at Munich.
You would, I am sure, find it an altogether cheery and
elevating experience, sending you back to your mission-
ary work in your great city with a new sense of zest
and vigour.
None of the ladies will wear the divided skirt ; whereby
so much of feminine charm is destroyed or marred. I
mention this little matter because our ecclesiastical
friends made a great point of it.
Believe me,
Yours truly.
\l
V
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" i55
TO A FRIEND, DESCRIBING THE
WEDDING OF THE AUTHOR'S SISTER
Dear *******^
|Y sister A** and my friend S*******
were wedded on Wednesday, and were very
pleased with your telegram. Their de-
meanour up to the last moment was
resigned, and their conversation edifying. Both accepted
the penultimate ministrations of the Church with exem-
plary humility , went up the trap with great fortitude, and
exhibited none but Christian feelings towards the curate
who turned them off. S*******'s behaviour was es-
pecially beautiful and calm. I saw a good deal of him,
for he spent the last week walking with me in Cornwall.
In our conversation I often urged him to withdraw his
thoughts from present cares, and fix his mind on the
future, to trouble less about the precise division between
us of Habihties incurred for ginger-brandy and cigars,
and to remember that his losses at Californian Jack, a
game he is a poor hand at, were my gains. He listened
with great docility to my advice, and actually accom-
pHshed the perusal of a devotional work entitled Autoiir
du Divorce by " Gyp," professing that he had derived
156 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
much profit from it, and gained light on future things.
He freely forgave all the officials who carried out the
last sad function, telling them that they only did their
duty, and giving them 31s. 6d. among them to buy
mourning rings. I was much impressed by his fortitude
and calm. When I expressed my regret that the Church
should deem it necessary to make such pointed mention
of fornication in the service celebrated over him, he
rebuked me sternly. " It seems to me," said he, " that
we ought all to be very thankful that the Church did not
seize the opportunity to enlarge upon graver offences.
They have dealt very gently with us, and shown an
unexpected forbearance, in which I rejoice." So deter-
mined was he to rise above a grovelling dejection and
find good in the severest dispensations.
They bade good-bye to their immediate relations (the
public at large and all reporters were rigorously excluded),
and are now at a pubhc-house, small, remote, and
secluded, on the banks of the Thames. I derive satis-
faction from the knowledge that I was with them at the
ordeal and supported them in the triple capacity of best
man, chief (and only) bridesmaid, and father of the
bride. S*******, whose own sufferings did not prevent
his having keen sympathy to bestow on others, was
pleased to commend the manner in which I gave the
bride away. The question, " Who giveth this woman to
be married to this man? " he told me, is commonly
responded to with stentorian vigour and alacrity ; from
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 157
me it elicited no response, and a graceful hesitation was
apparent in my carriage. The presiding parson then
beckoned me to approach; the spirit of command
ennobled his gesture, and, yielding to pressure, I indi-
cated by an incHnation of my head that I would no
longer withhold the bride. I would not tell you this if it
were not that it gave pleasure to my poor friend, and
prompted him to express his satisfaction. He said that I
yielded at the precise moment when to hesitate any
longer might have run the risk of the imputation of
discourtesy. To hesitate is permissible, to refuse is
churlish. And worst of all is the attitude of him in the
story who, on hearing the question put " Who giveth
this woman away? " rose in the body of the church
vociferating " I could, but I won't."
I thought you might care to know these few poor
details of the accident w^hereby I have become to my
sister " one of her husband's friends," to my friend " a
brother of his wife's." For a circle may be described
round any centre; and a whole planetary system be
transferred in the twinkle of an eye.
Yours ever.
I5S LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
HOW ONE WHO WOULD
Not tell Truth for present Fear of Death made
NO Bones of telling Truth for Money
^T fell out on a day that God met a Jongleur
(for so these men be called in France), and
seeing they were going the same way, he
proffered him his company as boonfellow,
and that they should travel together and divide their
earnings fairly. So the bargain was clapped up, and they
took the road with heart of grace. Now at the first town
they came to, it fortuned that the people of the town
were rejoicing in a great wedding, and there was wine
and feasting and minstrels. And it chanced also that
a great man of the town who had died before his time,
must that day be buried. " I am fain to go to the
wedding," said the Jongleur, " go thou to the funeral,
and in the evening we will meet." And the Jongleur
returned in the evening with a full skin and empty-
handed, but God brought with him to the inn where they
lodged a purse full of gold besants, which he had earned
by the pursuit of his lawful calling in raising the dead
to life. But the Jongleur took from him the purse to
buy some food withal, and thereafter he bought a lamb,
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 159
and he cooked it privily when God had wandered out,
and the smell of the lamb set his chops a watering, so that
his stomach bleated motherly for it, and in the end he
cut off the kidneys of the lamb and ate them. So when
dinner-time came, and they were set at table, quoth God
" Where are the kidneys ? " " See what it is to be a silly
untravelled wight," said the Jongleiir, " a tinker's drab
could tell thee the sheep of this part of the country have
no kidneys." So no more was said at that time, and they
fell to supper.
And it chanced again, as they went on their way that
they came to a town where was also a wedding and a
funeral of a young man, and God had speech with the
Jongleur, and said " I am for the wedding, for it has
fallen to my turn; and do thou go to this funeral."
" Nay," said the Jongleur, " for what should I do at a
funeral ? I play no miracles, and they reward my songs
with halfpence." But God was earnestly resolved to be
at the wedding, for it was long since he had borne a hand
at a bridal feast. " Tis all one,".he said, " if I teach thee
the trick of it, and thou raise the dead man, they will
reward thee also." So he told him all that matter, and
how he must speak thus and thus, and observe such-like
rules, and I know not what, and the dead should rise.
Then the Jongleur, nothing loth to play so fine a part,
set off for the funeral, and when he was come there he
startled all that company by his cracking and boasting,
calling heaven to witness that if the man were dead 'twas
i6o LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
a light matter, for he could raise him to life again. But
when it came to the trial, his memory of all that God
had told him was blurred and faded, so that the dead
man rose not for all his mutterings, but la}/ still dead.
And the father of the dead man was moved to anger, and
he bade seize the trickster, and hang him on a gallows.
At that time while they led him to the gallows, there
came thither God, for the wedding was over and the
feasting done. " Thou seest what plight I am in," said
the Jongleur, " and all through thy abracadabras and
hocus-pocuses; raise the man now quickly, and make
them quit me handsomely, and we will be off." " The
dead fret not that they be dead," said God, " and there
is a question sticks in my mind that I had to ask of thee,
the answer to which, if truly given, may hap to comfort
me, and perchance thee, marvellous well; and it is
nothing other than this — Who ate the kidneys?"
Then the Jongleur struck his breast, and he raised his
hands to heaven and cried with a firm voice : "In the
name of that eternal life into which these men are
hastening me, and from which thou wilt not pull me
back, I swear I do not know." And the men laid hold
upon him to string him up. But God felt compassion for
him, and he bade them tarry for a moment, and put
forth his power, and the dead man came to life, and all
his kin and the people there assembled were wonder-
struck, and they loosed the Jongleur, and to both they
gave money and robes. Then those two returned
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" i6i
together and no word was spoke betwixt them. But on
the morning of the next day, God came to the Jongleur
and said " Behold, we took the road together as joyous
and loyal companions, to lighten the burden of the
journey, and to be true the one to the other. But
methinks thou art forsworn and hast betrayed me. Now
therefore do thou take one road and I another, for I am
weary of thy company. And to that end let us divide
the earnings we have gathered together and take each
his part." So they tabled their earnings, a goodly pile,
and God took them and made of them three equal heaps.
" Here be two of us and no third," said the Jongleur,
" wherefore dost thou pat up the stuff into three shares ?"
" I will tell thee," said God, " 'tis one for me and one
for thee ; as for that other, that falls by right to the man
who ate the kidneys." " Well-a-day! " then said the
Jongleur, " Thou seest that I am an old man and a frail,
I dare not tell a lie, 'twas I that ate the kidneys." And
with that he chopped up the third heap and so went his
way.
Rl
i62 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
HOW ONE MADE APPEAL TO THE
MOTHER OF GOD
RICH townsman of Burgundy purposed
on a time to make a pilgrimage to the
shrine of St. James of Gahcia, so he trussed
up his fardels and made ready to take the
road. But the Devil, who loves not pilgrimages, took
occasion to heat his head with wine the night before he
should start, and then fell the pilgrim into deadly sin
with a wench, and confessed not, but started on that
business unhouseled. So as he took his way through the
country he met with the Devil, who had rigged himself
up with saintly tackle to play the part of St. James.
Then did the false saint's thundering menaces of damna-
tion and heart-searching reproofs of sin so work upon
the pilgrim that the poor caitiff was seized with a black
terror, and besought him if there were no device whereby
he might avoid that burning wrath. " There is but one,"
says the Devil, " for it is written ' if thy hand offend
thee cut it off, and thou shaft save thy soul ahve.' "
No sooner said than done, for with his knife did the
pilgrim maim himself, and of the injury thereof he
straightway died. Then was the Devil glad and seized
upon the soul, but before ever he could make off with it
^ 1
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 163
there came up St. James himself. " My most reverend
and apostohc blade," says Satan, " here is a matter that
you have no voice in. The man is mine ; I was at the
trouble of leading him into sin; he died unhouseled,
and his soul is my reward." " Peace, rascal ! " said then
St. James, " the wretch is my pilgrim, and thou didst
take my name and semblance to play thy wiles on him,
false liar that thou art. But I will spend no words in
quarrel with thee, for here and now do I make appeal
unto the Mother of God, that she may judge in this
matter." " Yea truly," quoth Satan, " a fair appeal
when thou art assured of gaining the case. Foul faU
the day that ever God took that lady for his mother!
Night and morning she steals from us our due, and puts
rebuffs and slights on us to boot. Give her her will, and
never a soul would win to hell ; be he thief or murderer,
let a man but beck to her image, she puts her seal upon
him, and we may seek elsewhere. Justice is become a
name. Every day I make complaint to God that he
should no longer suffer her caprices : I have my labour
for my reward ; as is his precept, ' Honour thy father
and thy mother,' so is his example. She is Lady and
Governess in his heaven, he stoppeth his ears to reason,
and she worketh at her will. Appeal call you it ? 'Tis
flat cozening."
Then wended these three to the court of the Virgin
to lay the case before her. And as Satan had said, so it
fell out. For Our Lady, or ever she heard the pleadings,
i64 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
did advise and give order that the pilgrim's soul should
be put back in his body, and he be given time for peni-
tence and prayer. So said, so done; the townsman
found his feet again, and was sensible neither of pain nor
wound. And he betook himself to Cluny, and was there
received gladly by the holy abbot Hugh and made a
monk.
i
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 165
MEAT FOR BABES
A
Pri-mer
Care-ful-ly
Grad-u-a-ted
Syl-lab-ic-al-ly.
i66
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
TO A FRIEND
"Dp^AT? 5(; :J* ^ :1c ^ ^ ^
flf^'^PERE is the preface to my little book. I
7\t/m!^/. think there must also be a few words of
^ explanation prefixed, pointing out the use
^ of the book, and insisting that the little
ones shall not be forced too quickly. If the book is
widely adopted in schools I purpose issuing a sequel
where all is narrated in words of five, six, and seven
syllables. This would be invaluable for journahsts.
Yours ever.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 167
PREFACE
(i, 2, 3, 4, 5 Syllables, da capo)
'he subjoined juvenile exercises, elementary
in nature, purposely exemplify character-
istic styles. Moral earnestness distinguishes
r^^^:izj<i indifferently the entire collection. Fornica-
tion, intoxication, and other similar lamentable ex-
travagances are censured severely. Pitiably irredeemable
is any unfeeHng adolescent Epicurean who, reading
several exercises, experiences no remorse. Various
beetle-witted individuals have derived enormous en-
couragement, indubitably from frequent perusal under-
taken conscientiously. Marked progress supervened,
eliciting congratulation, in morals, accidence, ortho-
graphy, etymology. May others benefit similarly,
ecstaticizing the author !
i68
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
THE GOOD DEAN
(One Syllable)
O you know old Slops ? He has been made
a Dean. You must not call him a fat fraud,
or I will whip you. He will live in a big
house in the close, and show bad men how
to go to God. Folk may ask you why he should have
so snug a berth. You must say it is a prize for his good
life. He has not drunk too much gin, nor beat his wife
more than was good for her. He talks in a fine thick
voice, for all the world like a man whose mouth is full of
plums. Now he will wear black tights and a nice big
gown. How well he has trimmed his sails to suit the
wind! His wife will sit on all the wives of the men
that he rules.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 169
TRAGIC EVENT
(Two Syllables)
,OMETIMES deadly fevers visit cities, tak-
ing away lively aged buffers. Edward
Bumble indulged very many sordid habits,
dwelling within sundry gloomy mansions.
Thither wandered sickly stenches making Bumble's being
joyless. Supine upon Mr. Sandbag's truckle pallet
Bumble tumbled about groaning loudly. Doctors,
quickly summoned, vainly emptied nasty mixtures into
Bumble's gullet. Useless labour! After thirteen pre-
scribed doses Bumble's jaded spirit parted, kindly critics
suppose skywards.
170 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
SCANDALOUS OCCURRENCE
(Three Syllables)
HATEVER reverend gentlemen, eagerly-
desiring deaneries, wantonly asserted,
Rosebery, ignoring personal demerits,
extremely properly promoted Farina,
rejoicing cathedral coteries. However, undeserved pro-
motion produces impudence. Seventy respected dele-
gates, including several Liverpool citizens, arriving
suddenly, discovered Farina embracing various unshaven
archdeacons. Criminal Justices, neglecting numerous
perjurers, convicted Farina, inflicting permanent servi-
tude.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 171
LAMENTABLE COLLEGLATE
REVELATIONS
(Four Syllables)
'iTERARY professorships undoubtedly re-
munerate occupancy. Nevertheless, ex-
travagant expenditure, libidinous pro-
chvities, unlimited gulosity, deplenishing
personalty superinduce nauseating recollections. There-
inafter subordinates vociferate contemptuous references,
academic dignitaries insinuate reprehension, municipal
nonentities (unreasoning mammalians) usually intensify
universal execration. Veritably unrepentant, inebriate
whore-mongering ex-professors asseverate remarkable
qualifying circumstances, mutually inconsistent, vide-
licet :
Exceptional sobriety.
Infrequency.
Meretricious depravity.
Librarian's comphcity.
Reputable antecedents.
Lapsarian hypotheses.
Satiety guaranteeing non-recurrence.
Salubrious concomitants distinguishing carnahty.
172 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Equitable expiation.
Syphilitic heredity.
Excusable festivity.
Animated categoric contradictions.
Affectionate disposition.
Hedonistic philosophy.
Prelatical absolution.
et-cetera, et-cetera.
Everything, howsoever sedulously demonstrated, curi-
ously ineffective! Unfortunate librarian! undergoing
exemplary indignities, municipal authorities imprisoning
collegiate sympathizers. Literary professorships, ad-
mittedly enjoyable, manifestly necessitate impeccable
propriety.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" i73
ECCLESIASTICS MISAPPROPRIATE
CEREMONIAL APPURTENANCES
TRAGI-COMICAL DENOMINATIONS!
ZOOLOGICAL TESTIMONIALS!
CONSTABULARY DESIDERATED!
(i^ivE Syllables)
H^
NTHUSIASTIC poverty-stricken in-
dividuals, tumultuously accelerating Dis-
establishment, indubitably underestimate
J^^^^g^ theological tergiversation. Irresponsible
ecclesiastics, ingeniously accumulating simoniacal re-
munerations, unanimously anathematize unapostolic
sectarianism, irrelevantly depreciating impecunious het-
erodoxy. Insufferable insinuations, indescribable exag-
gerations, ungentlemanly falsifications disillusionize
Presbyterians. Eventually miscellaneous monomaniacs,
abominably intoxicated Spiritualists, idealistic Sweden-
borgians, romantically impracticable Christadelphians,
174 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
contemptuously repudiating Episcopacy, unanimously
recapitulate contumelious generalities, unscrupulously
retaliating interminable unsavouriness, extravagantly
undeferential. " Happy-go-lucky hippopotamus," " ir-
redeemable ichthyosaurus," — reprehensible colloqui-
alisms unquestionably necessitating Bowdlerization —
irreparably deteriorate appreciative reciprocity. Dis-
creditable denunciations, reverberated ubiquitously, exa-
cerbating contumaciousness, inevitably Americanize im-
memorial complimentary terminology, expatriating
evangelical magnanimity.
END OF MEAT FOR BABES
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 175
OF THE NATIONS
A Hymn of Love and Praise
JAMN the Russian
And the Prussian ;
Clap a tax on
Every Saxon ;
Beat the Gael
With a flail.
What a sot
Is the Scot!
Who says thankee
For the Yankee,
Or has need
Of the Swede,
Or would ask
For the Basque ?
That rapscallion,
The Italian
Rolls in sin
(Like the Finn).
Men of Spain
Are a bane.
176 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
And the French
Yield a stench ;
The Chinese
Fail to please,
So perhaps
Do the Lapps.
Good men spit on
Celt and Briton,
And abuse
The Hindus.
The Icelander
Is a gander.
Dangers lurk
In the Turk.
May the low
Esquimaux
Go to pot
With the lot !
In Japan a
Bechuana
Finds a devil
On his level.
The Armenian
And the Fenian
And the Swiss
Are amiss.
Let us squelch
All the Welsh,
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 177
Not to speak
Of the Greek,
And the Norse
Too, of course.
They are more
Than a bore,
If they fell
Down to hell
With their bibs on.
Praising Ibsen,
Or were sent
By a gent
To the Zoo —
That would do.
N
178
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
ODE TO HIMSELF
In the Manner of Robert Browning on the Occa-
sion OF the Author's Marriage
ICENCES ? Yes. Poetic Licence,
And Marriage Licences for the nonce,
And banns for whoso refuses my sense,
And the chck of the tomahawk on his
sconce.
Marriage ? By all means. And marriage banquets ?
Better and better. You catch my drift ?
Put case you marry a wife : your lank wits
And sober sages thrive ill on thrift.
From the celibate ranks if a colleague rat, you
Regale him richly, as is most just,
While those who prefer to remain in statu
Are not forbidden to share the bust.
O the overpotency of the muchness
Of what men call marriage, and I call — what ?
Nothing, be sure, that involves the suchness
Of things that, being so, yet are not.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 179
But I catch at a thought as it twinkles past me ;
So a boy flings cap at a butterfly.
And I pin it out in a poem to last me ;
He falls atop, crushes it ; so not I.
Hands round ! my friends, 'twere a thousand pities
If you missed the point, as 111 stand bail
You mostly do in my lucid ditties.
But how to avoid it ? — accept a tale.
In the days of the Spanish Inquisition
A certain Sefior of ancient name
Enjoyed the responsible position
Of sending victims to rack or flame.
One morning up gets my Don to his duty ;
" Heigh ho! " he yawned, " shall I boil or bake? "
Then they brought some maids of dazzling beauty
Whose heresy had deserved the stake.
The duUest of men as weU as the wittiest
May find in St. Paul what serves his turn ;
So " This one at least " — (and he picked the prettiest)
" It is better to marry," says he, " than burn."
But he shortly found he had caught a Tartar,
And his wife, ill-pleased to forgo her rights.
Enacted the role of Christian martyr
For a brilliant run of ten thousand nights.
i8o LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Who runs may read : you remark the moral ?
It's a thankless business your soul to vex
On behalf of persons who have no quarrel
With the halter that hangs about their necks.
For benevolent schemes come oft to a deadlock,
And well-meant overtures earn you frowning,
Whether one more bachelor's saved from wedlock,
Or one more heretic's saved from browning.
Though the clan Mackay enlarge with rapture
On the vanished glories of bygone years,
When marriage of souls was marriage by capture ;
Though Kuno contribute his crocodile tears ;
Yet marry come up ! And marry, the rest of you !
For it still shall be as it still has been,
So I chant the nuptial hymn with the best of you,
And I bang my head with my tambourine.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" i8i
BALLADE OF THE ANTHROPOID
(" The Professor represented that it was impossible to carry
on the work of the department without the assistance of a
demonstrator and a hoy.")
HEN Man sat high upon a tree —
Ah, sacred days, before the Fall! —
And gibbered of the things to be
'^% In accents aboriginal ;
Did dreams or visions e'er forestall
The time when he should walk, and coy,
Obsequious, at his tail should crawl
A Demonstrator and a Boy ?
Majestic mammal! Now doth he
Two-footed pace this flying ball,
He bleeds the young examinee.
And scouts the supernatural :
What matters it to quote St. Paul ?
Who cares what deeds were done in Troy ?
Two things are not apocryphal,
A Demonstrator and a Boy.
From out the vasty depths of sea
The mage of old could spirits call —
A task of no utility ;
Far wiser he, to dredge and trawl
i82 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
For weeds and shells and fishes small,
And summon, should the labour cloy,
To range the pickles on the wall
A Demonstrator and a Boy.
Envoy
Prince ! In Thy high celestial hall
To tune his harp with holy joy,
Grant him Thy grace ; — and therewithal
A Demonstrator and a Boy.
. 1
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 183
BALLADE OF THE GOTH
\M^N days of old when Spenser sang,
^^^ And Art and Letters were akin,
The halls of Verse re-echoing rang
With voice of bard and paladin ;
Now are those singers gathered in,
Their garments given to the moth,
And o'er their bones there gleams the grin
Of Saxon, Icelander, and Goth.
Shakespeare and Milton may go hang,
For what knew they of sage Alcuin ?
St. Patrick's Dean wrote modem slang.
And Wordsworth is not worth a pin ;
Poor ghosts of poets, worn and thin.
Brayed all to pieces by the wrath
Symphonious, from the Hon's skin
Of Saxon, Icelander, and Goth.
And now does that barbaric gang
Invade all learning, and begin.
From San Francisco to Penang,
To stroke the beard, and wag the chin.
184 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
And drown all music in their din.
And cut all letters to their cloth.
And brain all poets with the shin
Of Saxon, Icelander, and Goth.
Envoy
Prince of Examiners ! They sin
Who brush our Art aside like froth.
Be of good cheer ; 'tis ours to spin
The Saxon, Icelander, and Goth.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 185
EATING SONG
Being a Rendering of the Fervours of our best Drinking
Songs into the equivalent terms of a kindred Art.
^ *^^ np you want to drive wrinkles from belly and
brow,
You must tighten the skin, as I tighten it
,<5.,^-.;).^„ now;
For at gobbets of bacon I sit at my ease,
And I button my mouth over dollops of cheese,
And I laugh at the Devil, who plays on his pipes
With the wind from a famishing traveller's tripes.
The French call it dining to peddle and peck,
But an Englishman's watchword is " Full to the neck! "
Does the parson deny it ? — he's lean as a cat,
And the men that I like are all puffy and fat :
Perhaps you'll find music in heaven, but by George!
You won't get a thundering suetty gorge.
So down with your victuals, and stuff till you burst,
And let him who refuses a morsel be curst !
i86 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
A NEW BALLAD OF WILLIAM
POTTINGER
As IT IS Sung in the Streets of the Principal
Cities of England
TTEND and hearken gentles all
Of each and every sect,
Unto the tale of Pottinger,
That noble architect ;
And how a child of common kind
This Pottinger was born,
Yet for to rise by honest means
He did not hold it scorn ;
And how Sir William Pottinger,
When come to high degree.
Still kept his lowly modest ways.
And " As you please " says he.
For first he was apprentice bound
Unto a worthy man,
Who quickly taught him how to draw
An elevated plan.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 187
And so he drew and kept accounts,
The space of seven long year,
And learned to please the customers,
As shortly shall appear.
Now all this time he bent himself
Unto his master's will,
And not a single penny piece
Was missing from the till.
So when his articles were out
He went to London town.
And there, as Pottinger and Co.,
He came to great renown.
The pigsties and the palaces
That shine on either hand,
The churches and the galleries
All over fair England,
The workhouse and the hospital,
The cottage and the hall,
It was this William Pottinger
Got orders for them all.
His clerks were working day and night
All in a room so large.
In planning out the gable roofs
And adding up the charge.
i88 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Now listen, gentles all, and hear
Of Pottinger the praise,
And how, though great, he practised still
His lowly modest ways.
For when a University
Was needed by and by,
" O send for William Pottinger! "
The people all did cry.
Then Pottinger made no delay.
But came a hundred miles.
And in a bag he brought the plans
And specimens of tiles.
And now the five Committee-men
All round a board are ranged,
To give advice upon the plans,
And how they should be changed.
O in came William Pottinger,
The blandest of them all :
A fairer-spoken gentleman
Ne'er stepped into a hall!
Then up stood one Committee-man,
And he spake bold and free,
" This porch," says he, " is twelve foot high,
I'd have it twenty- three."
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 189
Then out there spake another one.
Says he " I think it best
To take these gables facing South
And turn them to the West."
And last of all the wise Chairman,
Whom nothing did escape,
" The building seems all right," says he,
" But I do not like its shape."
Then gentle William Pottinger
With modest mien began
To applaud the ingenuity
Of each Committee-man.
" And I, if I may be allowed
To speak my mind," says he,
" With all the changes you suggest
Most fully do agree :
*' The shape I know not how to change,
But if it fail to please " —
(And from his bag he drew a tile) —
" rU plaster it with these."
This new device with one accord
They praise it to the skies,
And still he smiles and rubs his hands
In lowly loving wise.
190 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
" My dear," said each Committee-man,
Unto his wife that night,
" Our Master-builder Pottinger
Admitted I was right."
Then unto fair Balmoral Towers
Came tidings of his fame,
And " Rise Sir WiUiam Pottinger! "
The Queen she did exclaim.
Now, gentles all, my song is sung.
There is no more to tell ;
But all you young apprentices.
If you would prosper well.
And if great store of wealth and fame
You would be sure to find.
Remember still to cultivate
A lowly modest mind.
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 191
ON BEING CHALLENGED TO WRITE
AN EPIGRAM IN THE MANNER
OF HERRICK
!/■
^jp^/O Griggs, that learned man, in many a
bygone session,
His kids were his deUght, and physics his
profession ;
Now Griggs, grown old and glum, and less intent on
knowledge,
Physics himself at home, and sends his kids to college.
c*^ t^^
e5"*j^/: zzf^- 30"^
<y^^
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 193
WRITTEN IN A VISITORS' BOOK
Beneath a Pen-and-ink Sketch by Mr. Robert
Anning Bell, who had happened to precede the
Author as a Guest of the House
HIS figure, as a dunce could teU,
Was drawn by clever Mister Bell,
Perhaps he did it in a minute,
(There's nothing very special in it).
It took me fifteen times as long
To make this little grateful song.
To say I am once more your debtor
For food and drink and something better.
194 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
EARLY OR LATE LUNCH
An Exercise in the Manner
OF Mr. W. E. Gladstone
^ITH regard to the exceedingly interesting
and important question that you have
put to me, I need hardly say that it has
% been to me a subject of profound medita-
tion for many years. I have not a shadow of hesitation
in declaring, from long experience of dietetic vicissitudes,
that there can be no doubt that the acceleration or
premature consumption of what may without exaggera-
tion be called, in a sense, the most important meal of the
day, is a contingency that ought by all reasonable means
to be averted, except in cases where the procrastination
of indulgence in nutriment is attended with inconvenient,
deleterious, or (as I have myself known it under excep-
tional circumstances to be) even with fatal results. I
have this subject so much at heart that I shall feel the
greatest pleasure in permitting you to give my opinion
on the matter that measure of publicity which the
admirable journalistic enterprise of this age demands."
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 195
AUSTIN'S PRIDE
A Dramatic Lyric, wherein Mr. Alfred Austin
ACCEPTS THE LaUREATE'S WrEATH OF OFFICE
IN — is it tin ? WeU, may be,
But I'll have it, boys, aU the same;
Do they think me an oaf or gaby
To be cowed by old Alfred's fame ?
Who cares though the wits make merry,
Though black be Sir Edwin's looks ?
Just think of that butt of sherry,
And how it will sell my books !
There are girls in London city.
There are mothers and children too,
Who will think aU I say is witty,
And will say all I write is new ;
If only I get that laurel
And wear it, then you will see,
I'LL cram any mortal moral
Down the throats of the great B.P.
I'll find in my kitchen garden
The stuff for a deatliless work ;
I'll rile the old man at Ha warden
By refusing to curse the Turk ;
196 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
And 111 bless the poetic Party
That took down the wreath from the hooks,
And Salisbury, who gave it to me,
While Balfour looked after Brooks.
When gold-diggers seek bonanzas,
When companies plan a raid,
My spavined and wind-galled stanzas
Shall hobble to bring them aid ;
With my budget of common-places,
And my musical-box of rhymes,
I can give old friends new faces
For the public that reads the Times.
I'll model my style on Tupper,
I'll borrow my tags from Punch,
I'll have Marie Corelli to supper,
And Lewis Morris to lunch ;
rU feed them on small potatoes.
And teach them the way to thrive
Is to sing of oneself, and the House of Guelph,
When it dies or comes ahve !
EXTRACTS FROM "THE MILAN" 197
REMARKS
N leaving the Exhibition at the Royal
Academy in company with his friend Mr.
Bell, the Author expressed his conviction
that it is better, after all, to be a Human
Being.
Speaking of the writings of William Morris, Olive
Schreiner, and Andrew Lang, the Author remarked that
they were very like the Bible, only sillier.
[Mr. Raleigh also made other remarks which have been
lost.)
OCCASIONAL VERSE
OCCASIONAL VERSE 201
JOHANNESBURG, NEW YEAR, 1896
(" Several financiers have applied to the Boer Govern-
ment for permission to leave the city." — Daily papers,
gth January.)
ALIEN blood and hearts of mud, who shall
mete you the measure due?
Remorse is a man's grim penance, and
harrowing shame, but you —
Do they care, your kind ? Will ye call to mind that day
of the days gone by
When your panic yelp brought men to help, and ye
kennelled, and let them die ?
Helots of Boers ye have been, their helots ye still shall be,
Their brand on your craven foreheads shall sever you
from the free.
Grab, when the till is opened ; at the crack of the musket,
fly!
Gibber with fear when ye see draw near the death that ye
dare not die!
202 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Live then, and shame the living; live, as the mongrel
can,
Safe in the friendly limbo of the scorn of God and man :
Not heaven or earth will judge you, ye must take your
cause to try
Where deep in hell your brethren dwell, the worms that
cannot die.
OCCASIONAL VERSE 203
TO A LADY WITH AN UNRULY AND
ILL-MANNERED DOG
Who bit several Persons of Importance
OUR dog is not a dog of grace ;
He does not wag the tail or beg ;
He bit Miss Dickson in the face ;
He bit a Bailie in the leg.
What tragic choices such a dog
Presents to visitor or friend !
Outside there is the Glasgow fog ;
Within, a hydrophobic end.
Yet some relief even terror brings,
For when our life is cold and gray
We waste our strength on little things,
And fret our puny souls away.
A snarl ! A scuffle round the room !
A sense that Death is drawing near !
And human creatures reassume
The elemental robe of fear.
204 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
So when my colleague makes his moan
Of careless cooks, and warts, and debt,
— Enlarge his views, restore his tone.
And introduce him to your Pet !
Quod Raleigh.
Uffington, Berkshire
Zth May 1903
OCCASIONAL VERSE 205
STANS PUER AD MENSAM
TTEND my words, my gentle knave,
And you shall learn from me
How boys at dinner may behave
With due propriety.
Guard well your hands : two things have been
Unfitly used by some ;
The trencher for a tambourine,
The table for a drum.
We could not lead a pleasant life.
And 'twould be finished soon,
If peas were eaten with the knife.
And gravy with the spoon.
Eat slowly : only men in rags
And gluttons old in sin
Mistake themselves for carpet bags
And tumble victuals in.
The privy pinch, the whispered tease,
The wild, unseemly yell —
When children do such things as these.
We sav, " It is not well."
2o6 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Endure your mother's timely stare,
Your father's righteous ire,
And do not wriggle on your chair
Like flannel in the fire.
Be silent : you may chatter loud
When you are fully grown,
Surrounded by a silent crowd
Of children of your own.
If you should suddenly feel bored
And much inclined to yawning,
Your little hand will best afford
A modest useful awning.
Think highly of the Cat : and yet
You need not therefore think
That portly strangers like your pet
To share their meat and drink.
The end of dinner comes ere long
When, once more full and free.
You cheerfully may bide the gong
That calls you to your tea.
OCCASIONAL VERSE
207
iRATURE Lesson.
( .he moral
on.]
I he cheap
: t of colours.]
SIR PATRICK SPENS
In the Eighteenth Century manner
Verse I
N a famed town of Caledonia's land,
,^ A prosperous port contiguous to the strand,
A monarch feasted in right royal state ;
But care still dogs the pleasures of the Great,
And well his faithful servants could surmise
From his distracted looks and broken sighs
That though the purple bowl was circling free,
His mind was prey to black perplexity.
At last, while others thoughtless joys invoke,
Fierce from his breast the laboured utterance broke ;
" Alas! " he cried, " and what to me the gain
Though I am king of all this fair domain.
Though Ceres minister her plenteous hoard,
And Bacchus with his bounty crowns my board,
If Neptune still, reluctant to obey,
he tautology.] Ncglccts my sccptrc and denies my sway ?
On a far mission must my vessels urge
Their course impetuous o'er the boiling surge ;
But who shall guide them with a dextrous hand,
And bring them safely to that distant land ?
Whose skill shall dare the perils of the deep.
And beard the Sea-god in his stormy keep ?
Hunter si (.]
i he idle
the vessels.]
2o8 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Verse II
He spake : and straightway, rising from his side
An ancient senator, of reverend pride,
Unsealed his hps, and uttered from his soul
Great store of flatulence and rigmarole ;
— All fled the Court, which shades of night invest.
And Pope and Gay and Prior told the rest.
4: 4: 4: *
ISiov. 1900
OCCASIONAL VERSE 209
LINES SUGGESTED BY AN EDITION
OF BLAKE'S POEMS
I have taken to the Blake manner :
^;^F you try to do what's right
You pass your hfe in a horrible fright,
And your Emanation — Lord protect her! —
Commits adultery with your Spectre."
I write to you because you won't write to me :
" He that answers a Friend's letter
Makes the Morning Star his debtor."
/ like the visionary style.
Poplar, Maiden, and Lambeth's Vale
Each held on to the other's tail ;
Poplar hved on chickweed and groundsel.
Maiden danced to please the Council ;
Lambeth's Vale in an old plug hat
Played the bones on the front-door mat,
And then crept round to the back garden
To get his money and ask for pardon.
A Christian's heart is never hard,
So they gave him a pound of lard.
What's the reason, Christians, tell,
Why the most of us go to Hell ?
Oxford
2']th Oct. 1905
P
210
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
THE ARTIST
HE Artist and his Luckless Wife
They lead a horrid haunted life,
Surrounded by the things he's made
That are not wanted by the trade.
The world is very fair to see ;
The Artist will not let it be ;
He fiddles with the works of God,
And makes them look uncommon odd.
The Artist is an awful man.
He does not do the things he can ;
He does the things he cannot do,
And we attend the private view.
The Artist uses honest paint
To represent things as they ain't,
He then asks money for the time
It took to perpetrate the crime.
1917
OCCASIONAL VERSE 211
THE BATTLE HYMN OF KENSIT'S MEN
(Written in collaboration with Charles Strachey)
^ HE Church is in a hawful state,
With Richerhsts and such ;
The Pope 'e won't 'ave long to wait
For most of 'em — not much !
So Mister Kensit's took the 'ump
(And rightly too, says I),
And when 'e goes upon the stump
You'll see the feathers fly.
Then pack yer traps, and clear the way ; depart, he gone,
get Hout I
And make no noise, or Kensit's boys 'II show you '00 can
shout ; —
No more of yer 'anky panky now, no more of yer Romish
rot,
For Johnny K. is hon the way to bust the blooming lot.
They've aconites and chasubells
(Same like the Papists wears),
And makes the most unchristian smells
With hincense at their prayers ;
212 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
They've sacred pictures by the stack,
And lamps that halways burn ;
Such 'eaps of 'oly bric-a-brac,
There's 'ardly room to turn!
So pack yer traps, etc.
3
Now what would Martin Luther say
If 'e come back to earth ?
(And 'e was never in 'is day
A foe to Honest Mirth)—
I think that 'im and old John Knox
Would twig the little game,
And, knowing it was 'eterodox,
They simply would exclaim —
Now pack yer traps, etc.
4
A prayer may serve a useful hend
With something for to git,
But prayer for Nokes, my pore old friend,
Is neither sense nor wit ;
'E's safely planted hin 'is grave,
(No longer hin the swim)
— Hup comes a low blasphemious knave
And takes and prays for 'im.
Then pack yer traps, etc.
OCCASIONAL VERSE 213
5
It fairly makes my blood to bile.
That Jesuites from Rome
Should crawl about the 'arth and spile
The sanctity of 'ome ;
And if my missus, or the gals,
Gets talkative, and tries
To blab in them confessionals
I'll black their blooming eyes!
Then pack yer traps, etc.
6
I went into St. Ninny's Church,
Where those so-called divines
Do bob, and jinnyflect and lurch.
Figged up unto the nines ;
I ups and says — " You un'oly clown,
'Ow dare you 'ave the face
To go a capering hup and down
Before the Throne of Grace ?
Now pack yer traps, etc.
7
" I don't object to fancy dress
On niggers at the races ;
I'm fond of dancin', I confess,
(That is, in proper places) ;
214 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
But parsons doing cellar-flaps a
To music by the band, ;
Rigged out in petticoats and caps, \
Is more than I can stand." -
So pack yer traps, etc.
8 I
" Sit down! " — says 'e. " / wont " — says I.
" Then, verger, turn 'im out." *
With that I lets a Bible fly.
And lands 'im hon the snout :
To stop 'is richerlistic row
I knocked 'im orf 'is perch,
And there and then we taught 'im 'ow
To desecrate a Church.
Then pack yer traps, etc.
9
My friends all stuck to me like bricks,
The 'ymn-books flew like 'ail ;
With one of them big candlesticks
I smashed the haltar-rail :
The idolaters set up a squall,
But soon they got the Toe : —
We made a 'olesome Gospel-'all
Of that galanty-show.
So pack yer traps, etc.
OCCASIONAL VERSE 215
10
Come all you noble Protestants
(For 'alf the job ain't done),
It is your 'elp that Hengland wants—
Yuss ! Hevery mother's son !
If each of you brings 'alf a brick,
A better church we'll raise
Than hany blooming Cawtholic
In haU 'is blighted days.
They'll pack their traps, they'll clear the way, depart —
he gone — get Hout —
They'll make no noise, or we're the hoys will show them
'00 can shout !
They'll stow their ' anky-panky then, they'll chuck their
Romish rot.
When Johnny K. 'as 'ad 'is way and hust the blooming lot.
\
2l6
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
ODE
To The Glasgow Ballad Club
2ist December 1901
EN and Bards !
I, whom my dull brain retards,
Cannot make an ode that beats
Keats.
Yet I fain
Would uplift my humble strain
As your grateful and distressed
Guest.
Emerson
Says the bard must dwell alone,
Social habits make his verse
Worse.
This may be
In the cities oversea,
Boston or New York, or Hong
Kong.
OCCASIONAL VERSE 217
Here we find
That it elevates the mind,
And revives the muse to hob-
nob.
Must we shine.
Buried diamonds in a mine,
Wasting rays that might adorn
Morn.
Joined in one
We shall glitter in the sun
(When he next illumines Clyde-
side) .
Though our songs
Cannot vanquish ancient wrongs ;
Though they follow where the rose
Goes;
And their sound.
Swooning over hollow ground,
Fade and leave the enchanted air
Bare;
Yet the wise
Say that not unblest he dies
Who has known a single May
Day.
2i8 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
If we have laughed,
Loved, and laboured in our craft,
We may pass with a resigned
Mind.
While our cage
Is this narrow Iron Age,
Make it ring with many a brave
Stave !
— But enough
Of this complicated stuff,
Lest the critics murmur " Hoots
Toots!"
Some are foes
To whatever is not prose ;
Verse, they say, is merely fact
Cracked.
You may meet
Daily in the public street
Men who call a sonnet clap-
Trap.
Here's a health !
To the poets wine and wealth ;
Let the critics go to — well —
Hell!
OCCASIONAL VERSE 219
TO PROFESSOR H. A. STRONG, LL.D.
2^th November 1900
Dear Strang,
)N this your natal day,
We Glaisgie bodies wish to say
We're sorry that we canna gae
That far to see ye ;
But though oor bodies here maun stay,
In hairt we're wi' ye.
The Northern clans, wi' pipes and drones —
The " Scotswhahaes " and brave " Hechmons,"
The " Hootsawas " and " Sodascones " —
Are here thegither ;
And ilka ane in joyful tones
Proclaims you brither.
We're fine and glad ye didna scorn
The fashious wark o' being born,
Whilk wad ha' left us sair forlorn ;
But noo — Losh guide us ! —
Ye're fand, this braw November morn,
On airth beside us.
220 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
'Twas in this toun ye first assayed
The ancient gerund-grinding trade,
Wi' Latin in a spune ye gaed
The fowk to feed them ;
And eh! the bonny jokes ye made
Deil kens wha seed them
Oor thochts hae dwalt upon you aft,
The dimate's turned a wee thing saft,
Oor coUege noo wi' gowks is staffed,
Wi' gomerals deevit ;
But, Lord be praised! there's Heaven alaft.
And here, Glenleevit.
In Scotlan' nane need droop or dwine ;
For them that feels their stren'th decline
The certain cure (it's just divine)
Each year returns
(Whilk mony a lassie had lang syne)
— ^A nicht wi' Burns.
We twa hae strayed ower Brownlow Hill,
And pu'd lang faces on the sill.
While toddling ben to yon auld mill
That still plays clatter ;
—And auld Mackay is there, and still
As daft's a hatter.
OCCASIONAL VERSE 221
Lang may the flags o' Bedford Street
Resound beneath your honoured feet !
Lang may ye hauld your annual treat
For a' the leddies !
Lang may ye flout and jink and cheat
The Land o' Hades!
222
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
SESTINA OTIOSA
)UR great work, the Otia Merseiana,
Edited by learned Mister Sampson,
And supported by Professor Woodward,
Is financed by numerous Bogus Meetings
Hastily convened by Kuno Meyer ^
To impose upon the Man of Business.
All in vain ! The accomplished Man of Business
Disapproves of Otia Merseiana,
Turns his back on Doctor Kuno Meyer ;
Cannot be enticed by Mister Sampson,
To be present at the Bogus Meetings,
Though attended by Professor Woodward.
Little cares the staid Professor Woodward :
He, being something of a man of business.
Knows that not a hundred Bogus Meetings
To discuss the Otia Merseiana
Can involve himself and Mister Sampson
In the debts of Doctor Kuno Meyer.
So the poor deluded Kuno Meyer,
Unenlightened by Professor Woodward— 20
10
15
OCCASIONAL VERSE 223
Whom, upon the word of Mister Sampson,
He beheves to be a man of business
Fit to run the Otia Merseiana —
Keeps on calHng endless Bogus Meetings.
Every week has now its Bogus Meetings, 25
Punctually convened by Kuno Meyer
In the name of Otia Merseiana :
Every other week Professor Woodward
Takes his place, and, as a man of business,
Audits the accounts with Mister Sampson. 30
He and impecunious Mister Sampson
Are the mainstay of the Bogus Meetings ;
But the ahenated Man of Business
Cannot be allured by Kuno Meyer
To attend and meet Professor Woodward, 35
Glory of the Otia Merseiana.
Kuno Meyer! Great Professor Woodward!
Bogus Meetings damn, for men of business,
Mister Sampson's Otia Merseiana.
224 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
INDEX TO SESTINA OTIOSA
Absentee. See Man of Business.
Auditors. See Mister and Professor.
Back. Man of Business's, on whom turned, 1. 9.
Bogus Meetings. Called to finance the Otia, 1. 4, and to secure
the support of the Man of Business, 1. 6 ; attended chiefly
by Prof. Woodward and Mr. Sampson, 11. 12, 31-32 ; not
attended by the Man of Business, 11. 11, 34-35; their con-
vener Dr. Meyer, 11. 5, 24-26; short notice at which they
are called, 1. 5 ; punctuality observed in calling them, 1. 26 ;
called every week, 1. 25 ; their number, 1. 4 ; their eternal
recurrence, 1. 24; their failure to alter the incidence of
existing liabilities, 11, 15-18; this failure foreseen by Prof.
Woodward, ibid. ; their ultimate disastrous effect, 11. 38-39.
Business. See Man.
Delusions. See Kuno Meyer.
Failure. See Bogus Meetings.
Finance. See Bogus Meetings.
Glory. See Greatness.
Greatness. See Professor Woodward.
Kuno Meyer. His business impetuosity, 1. 5 ; convener of
Bogus Meetings, 11. 5, 26 ; how treated by the Man of Busi-
ness, 1. 9; his beUef that the Bogus Meetings might bring
about a redistribution of financial liability, 11. 15-18; this
belief not shared by Prof. Woodward, ihid. ; his academic
degree, 1. 9; his pitiable character, 1. 19; his unhappy
delusions, ihid. ; his unenhghtenment, 1. 20 ; his misplaced
punctuality, 1. 26; the futiUty of his attempts upon the
Man of Business, 11. 34-35 ; apostrophized, 1. 37.
OCCASIONAL VERSE 225
Liability. See Kuno Meyer.
Man of Business. Attempted imposition upon, 1. 6; his
accomplishments, 1. 7 ; his disapprobation of the Otia, 1. 8 ;
his back, on whom turned, 1. 9 ; his estranged attitude, 1, 33 ;
his superiority to Meyer's enticements, 1. 34 ; his refusal to
attend Bogus Meetings, 1. 35; his indifference to meeting
Prof. Woodward, ibid.
Meetings. See Bogus.
Merseiana. See Otia.
Meyer. See Kuno.
Mister Sampson. Great work edited by, 11. 1-2 ; his alleged eru-
dition, 1. 2 ; failure of his attempts to induce the Man of
Business to attend Bogus Meetings, 1. 10; uninvolved in
Kuno Meyer's liabihties, 11. 17-18 ; heartless deception of
Kuno Meyer by, 11. 21-22 ; co-auditor of accounts with
Prof. Woodward, 1. 30 ; his indigent circumstances, 1. 31 ;
a mainsta}^ of Bogus Meetings, 1. 32 ; ruin of his great work
attributable to excessive Bogus Meetings, 1, 39.
Otia Merseiana. Referred to as an important publication, 1. i ;
its editor, 1. 2 ; its chief supporter, 1. 3 ; financed by Bogus
Meetings, 1. 4 ; disapproved of by the Man of Business, 1. 8 ;
discussed at Bogus Meetings, 1. 16; executive abiUty of
Prof. Woodward v\dth regard to, 1. 23; invoked by Kuno
Meyer, 1. 27 ; its glory, 1. 36 ; Bogus Meetings prejudicial to
interests of, 1. 39.
Poverty. See Mister Sampson.
Professor Woodward. His support given to the Otia, 1. 3;
his attendance at Bogus Meetings, 11. 12, 28, 31, 32, 35 ; his
indifference to abstentions from Bogus Meetings, 1. 13 ; his
character defined, 1. 13 ; his attitude in regard to financial
difficulties, 11. 14-18; his greatness, 1. 37; his business
talent, 11. 14, 29 ; testified to by Mr. Sampson, 1. 21 ; beheved
in by Kuno Meyer, 11. 22, 23 ; his solicitude for Mr. Sampson,
Q
226 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
1. 17 ; his labours as auditor, 1, 30 ; distinction conferred by
him on the Otia, 1. 36 ; his reticence towards Kuno Meyer,
1. 20; apostrophized, 1. 37.
Sampson. See Mister.
Week, every. See Bogus Meetings.
Week, every other. See Bogus Meetings.
Woodward. See Professor.
OCCASIONAL VERSE
227
Founder of the Society for the Suppression of Demoralizing
Literature
'ENCEFORTH let all Creation be refined !"
Said M*****, sole Protector of the Mind;
By none of my young men let it be said
^^^io^"^ That rivers come together in their bed ;
And if they write of Venus — very well,
They write ; I do not print ; it does not sell ;
I mean, it does not sell ; I do not print ;
— I hope that my young men will take the hint.
My grandfather, who licked the boots of Byron,
Thought chaste themes best for bards to spank the lyre
on;
But Byron was a young man in a hurry ;
He's gone the Lord knows where, and I'm J*** M*****.
228
LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
WISHES OF AN ELDERLY MAN
Wished at a Garden Party, June 1914
^^® WISH I loved the Human Race ;
I wish I loved its silly face ;
I wish I liked the way it walks ;
I wish I liked the way it talks ;
And when I'm introduced to one
I wish I thought What Jolly Fun !
i^
OCCASIONAL VERSE 229
SONNET
To J. S.
March 1908
NEVER cared for literature as such.
The spondee, dactyl, trochee, anapaest,
Do not inflame my passions in the least ;
And cultured persons do not please me
much.
Great works may be composed in French or Dutch,
Yet my poor happiness is not increased :
To me the learned critic is a beast,
And poetry a decorated crutch.
One book among the rest is dear to me ;
As when a man, having tired himself in deed
Against the world, and, falling back to write.
Sated with love, or crazed by vanity,
Or drunk with joy, or maimed by Fortune's spite,
Sets down his Paternoster and his Creed.
230 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
MY LAST WILL
JHEN I am safely laid away,
Out of work and out of play,
Sheltered by the kindly ground
From the world of sight and sound,
One or two of those I leave
Will remember me and grieve,
Thinking how I made them gay
By the things I used to say ;
— But the crown of their distress
Will be my untidiness.
What a nuisance then will be
All that shall remain of me !
Shelves of books I never read,
Piles of bills, undocketed,
Shaving-brushes, razors, strops,
Bottles that have lost their tops,
Boxes full of odds and ends.
Letters from departed friends,
Faded ties and broken braces
Tucked away in secret places,
Baggy trousers, ragged coats.
Stacks of ancient lecture-notes,
OCCASIONAL VERSE 231
And that ghostliest of shows,
Boots and shoes in horrid rows.
Though they are of cheerful mind,
My lovers, whom I leave behind.
When they find these in my stead,
Will be sorry I am dead.
They will grieve ; but you, my dear,
Who have never tasted fear.
Brave companion of my youth,
Free as air and true as truth.
Do not let these weary things
Rob you of your junketings.
Burn the papers ; sell the books ;
Clear out all the pestered nooks ;
Make a mighty funeral pyre
For the corpse of old desire.
Till there shall remain of it
Naught but ashes in a pit :
And when you have done away
All that is of yesterday.
If you feel a thrill of pain,
Master it, and start again.
This, at least, you have never done
Since you first beheld the sun :
If you came upon your own
Blind to light and deaf to tone.
232 LAUGHTER FROM A CLOUD
Basking in the great release
Of unconsciousness and peace,
You would never, while you live.
Shatter what you cannot give ;
— Faithful to the watch you keep.
You would never break their sleep.
Clouds will sail and winds will blow
As they did an age ago
O'er us who lived in little towns
Underneath the Berkshire downs.
When at heart you shall be sad.
Pondering the joys we had,
Listen and keep very still.
If the lowing from the hill
Or the tolling of a bell
Do not serve to break the spell.
Listen ; you may be allowed
To hear my laughter from a cloud.
Take the good that life can give
For the time you have to live.
Friends of yours and friends of mine
Surely will not let you pine.
Sons and daughters will not spare
More than friendly love and care.
If the Fates are kind to you,
Some will stay to see you through ;
And the time will not be long
Till the silence ends the song.
OCCASIONAL VERSE 233
Sleep is God's own gift ; and man,
Snatching all the joys he can,
Would not dare to give his voice
To reverse his Maker's choice.
Brief dehght, eternal quiet.
How change these for endless riot
Broken by a single rest ?
Well you know that sleep is best.
We that have been heart to heart
Fall asleep, and drift apart.
Will that overwhelming tide
Reunite us, or divide ?
Whence we come and whither go
None can tell us, but I know
Passion's self is often marred
By a kind of self-regard.
And the torture of the cry
" You are you, and I am I."
While we live, the waking sense
Feeds upon our difference,
In our passion and our pride
Not united, but allied.
We are severed by the sun,
And by darkness are made one.
Oxford, 19 19
R
LONDON : CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND GRIGGS (PRINTERS), LTD
CHISWICK PRESS, TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.
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'R Raleigh, (Sir) Walter .ilexande
6035 Laughter from a cloud
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