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LEO 

BAECK 

INSTITUTE 



MEMOIR 

COLLECTION 



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Leo lidPik Institute 

FOUNOeO lY TMI COUNCll Of JEWS FIOM OElMANT 

JERUSALEM . LONDON . NEW YORK 



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20, Feoroar 1962 



nerm 

Dr. M, Kreutzberg-er, 

Leo Baeck Institute, Inc. 

129 Kaat 73rd Street, 

New York 21. K.Y, 




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7 



Lieber Krcutzber^er, 

leider Koace inh erst heute dazu, Ihren Brief vorn 26.1,62 zu beantworten. In 
aen riaecnsteri Ta£:en senden wir Ihnen eine Abachrift der Krinneruru'en von Krau 
Else Berf:inanri >:eb.Fanta (der ersten Frau von Hupo Berfjman)^ muesaen fiber hus- 
aruecklich betbhen, dass diese Abachrift unter Keinen Umstaenden zur Veroef- y 
fentiich'jn^ in irgena einer Form DertinLit seir. darf . Wir naben von Frau Berf^inh\^ 
noch nicht einmal die Erlaubnis, aiese Erinnenmgen Ihn^n zu ueberrcitteln, aber- — 
icn t'^'-^t>e, dass ich oazu berechti^t bin, nachdem wir mit ihrer Zustimmnn^ 
seinerzeit Absc^iriften her^stellt hiaben. Die Fraje einer evfntuellen Veroef- J) 
f^intlichoTi^ stand bei uns schon einmal zur DiaknEsion. Es hatten aich aber von 
alien Seiten so vie] Zweifel erf-eben und 3chwierit;keiten herausgestellt , dass 
wir dieae Fra^'e nicht noch einmal aufnehmen wollen. 

Wie IT. nur iTjner wieder betonen k.ann, bin ich an der Brocn-Broarruere von 
Erich Kanler auaaerordentlich intereasiert. Lc-iQer bin ich in Fol^ Aroeitsueber- 
lastung (dap BlumenJela-Buch ist ins Man'iskript fertif: und zujr SatL an aie DVA 
^'e-Tir^n; noch nicht dazu ^kornnen, aen neuen Band "Die unbeicannte Groense" zu 
lesen una durchzuarbeiten. Wann kann man in aen Besitz aer broschuere oder 
weni^jstens der Umbruchfahnen kommen ? 

Auf die schon lan^ versprochene Photokopie der Einleitun^; von Natorp z'jdd Nachlass 
von Lipiner freue ich mich senr, 

Fuer heute mit vi^-len herzlichen '^rraeasen 

Ihr 

''Jr. H^/VrcvUier 






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^'^^:2jy /rtA/jr-v^v^c— y 



Des Leb^n, ko.Ulchste. wird .Icht yrg.h'n. 
Srli,n.rui.^^n eu«« u^d Toiler r,c'imer««n - 

Bin Ich d^s WlrkilcU«? Oder Jiii- ^n 

Wl« •iii« Btthne «ln. una ^us-.r^uat 
Und wilder auf jeetalit? 

W doch so w.Xt«nfern una walt«nfr««d 
Und so bin .ch mir a.lb«r .uwh una .ch^ 
a«dtnk Ich aieiner Ll«b«ii 
2)1# drub«ni hoff» l<*h < i^.« v ^v„ 



• 9 • 



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Sin aott^elUMt vrVmitc wr lalt ••iii«B Fr^uad^a 
8«iatfi T«ili0 dM tautM4Jalirl««a Braielitiai. 
Hit dl«sga Si«g«l ia AfiUlts blst du a«lal 



-V 



- 4 - 

"Das X««b#4i «i#Xi ang«v«iid«t vard^a^ im aa daa grosaa Zial» 
daa l«a«r vlnut daa uaa Jo«tlia gawi«a«B hmt§ aa Icomaat 
ua «ia tau4i;lieliaa lah au rollaadctt* naeli d«a Geaata* 
vaiiAC^Ii da awittrttaa** 

(sail Ludwig) 

So¥aId iah it«ia«r ••ibat baauast «urda# mm aar aagaflilir ia 
meXumt dr«ii>aigat«a Jatott bis dalila aar l^ laB«r aateataaaaci aad 
uabavuaat arlabaad g«bliabaa# atlag la air awt a«daalca aaft daa 
Bataal aalzias Lubanat daa la aalD^ir TdilkOMiaaaa Uabifralfilalikalt 
Tor air ataiid* Tltlialebit ula «(iiil^ta la lufttat w^nn leli dar Ja- 
actULelita aalaar Yit vlturBf dar Tra^ar aaluaa BXutas naehglnga* 
leh war ubaraaugt* daaa daa Blut • d&a in aalnaa Adera fliaaatt 
aioh arlnaam auaatat vaa aa in 3eat«i^It diaaar Yorfahr an arlabt 
halt daaa aa air laiobt vardan a^aatat ihra Gaaohiehta aa araililaAa 
wana nur aaiaa ?ahi,$kait hinr'^lehtaf ua diaaa Stit^a daa Blataat 
diaaa KaXodiat dlaaa Sparanr4lirtt dar Ji^acblaclitar piaatiaah aa 
aaehan* Sachrichtan ii ba ieH Ja laider vaalg* Brlafa alad aa gat 
wim k<flna arlialtan. So auaa ioh aeboa daa acbraiba&f vaa air dlaaaa 
Blut in dunklaa H&chtaat aa aias'iaan Abandaat la ariimarua^agatriiak- 
tan ""agaa Torsingt. Und da leh aa iiaiatlga Kriifta und Zua aaaaiih i ma 
f aat gX^abat bin ieli abaraau^tt daaa diaaa Varatarbanan «lr liaifaA 
vardan* Ylallalclit vardan alulga Ton itmaa akaptiach auf mala Var- 
Habaa bliekan und nlcUta davaa luiltanf ▼laUalebt vardan air alalga 
Taa ihnan Yan^taiidnla antgaganbringan uad nlr half aa» uaA dana a&M 
Tiailalebt ela labandigaa Blld iiiraa Labana aaataada Icaanaa* 

Malaa Faadlla iiat aehoa laagara 2alt la ^m Stidtahaa RaiidBlta# 
Ubaohavlta und Budln gavahat. Dlaaa Sttdiab^aB bafl»4» aloli a»- 
garahr In dmv Mltta sviaeHan Karlabad luUl Fvag. Maa fladat dart 
aaf nll^ FrladMfaBt dia aocb dla atlawmgavallaa ftltM GratotaiM 
baaltaan* dla aUa via dla daaataaatafala tt©aaa« aaaaaiMN 4la 



- 5 - 



- 6 • 



% 



Untf t« h«tt« fur mleh loner «ineB eigea«Q R^ist cii«s« nua 
Bchon hftlb Ter&ujik«n«n Denkmaler «u seh^n, Qeht aoch mlt dietea 
•infftch«n Steinen der letzte Heat eln^r tra^lsch^n 3poch« sujrundo* 
Kin ^g«Qi(fb«n d«r Ja(litch«n» btfUmlschsn :;ation nnr da» baute sleh 
atbrauoh«f Sprachtt ^«rctt«f Mttbol* Sehulon und jine Jftsellsckiaftt 
dl« frl^enartlg war. In lhr«r \rX l«btt dlt bdhmischt iiaturt dl« 
bi>bBi8ch« Umwelt ait d«a Judischen und hebraischen Kultur iit in 
•in J;uises Terb^ndt und in d«n I«Andgemeind«n» die sich TOr uag«- 
f<Ahr nundert JaUr«n ^iu fluids en begntinent wnr daa Leban noch eit^an- 
artiger ais in tiochbaruhiLten Prag«r Jhetto. OroBHa lelehrta iebtan 
da in dan IcXeinan f:tadten» w^iltberuhmte Knbbin-n be<nu4i;tan oich init 
winzi^^an '^Jatan ron L«ndrabbirit>rnt bomniecha )eii%rt« M^ivda bis weit 
in uan Crientf bio ..usoinndt bis M.jiart bia Mneri^af b^jkaiint, 
yurchtbara Tra:diian apieitjn sich ib untar ai^aen ba^^nutianjaan Men- 
schant dia iurch dia ir^UDama Jt^Betsga mn^; harvorgar^uf^n vurdan* 
j)laaa achwar^n Zit^n dea Kittcjl- Uero und der Keuzeitt aua denan 
mein Oaacbla^htt wia Jadas nndaref nufjatfiucht ic^x.9 i&t !iiir nur in 
sIIgaBaineB bakaimt* Jiinselochickb- la hat dna Dunk-^I der Vergaaaan- 
hait Taraehlungfin. ^ain Ynt^jr bahauptata immer ku wlaaany data wir 
Ton dan '*bdh]aisch«ii Brud^rQ" abatiaman. Ji sa Sekta zur Zait dar 
Huaaitankriaga soil /iale Tachachan dnzujjQbracht habent sua Judaa- 
Xvm tib#rsu^ahan« ua dna Haich Jot tea durch diaaa ?at aahersubringaa. 
Und ua dar iTy^hrhaiti wia sia aia daania auff-iaatant naherzukoioaan* 

Sin 7.w*ig dar Camilla ioll ait Rnachi ia Jnhre "au. endfuiifund- 
funfBig ubar Dautsehland n-^ch Prag (tingawandart aain. Daher dar 
Kant Fantat Ton l&nfnnX. Kina innera 3tina« in air ^ibt dar flypo- 
thas« Ton dan bdhaiaohan Brudarn rachtt dana rail cittaa und philoao- 



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fhiacha lutere^aan vfiran in aeiner ^nailia TOn Jahar tt«i^"^so^ 
und charakteriatiach. 

Der ?rate* Ton daa dia ?«imiliantradition barichtatt iat ela 
T'hiloaoph gawaaan. Mr war in (iaa winiigea St'adtiMchan Buain dar 
Ba^under einar Ladarfabrikt dia noeh in a<iinar Jugand baataad* 
Stfina Bibliothek entbiait weni jat abtr aahr ^t% Buclier. Der 
Diehtar Sauma, nuf aainaa "Spaxierg^ig aach 3yrakua* bagriffant 
kahrta b«i iha im Jf\hT% 1802 ein. Sauaa barichtatt "In Budin* 
einaa Grte» ^0 ^ilganaina Verl«i^.eeimai t zu sain aeaaiiit* traf ieh 
bei daa Juaan Lasar Taussig dina kleina .> icaiiun^ ^tar Buohar an 
und iiaea )i)ir vou iha» da ^r Le8k>iri^*8 i^athan ainaa ?raunda ga- 
iiehan hatte» auf aan vband Knnt' a "Baweiagrund zur eiiizi^ mbg- 
iichan LeHiOiiatr'^tion uber u«a I>aa<»in Jottaa" gaben. " 

Daa S tzaielwark ron Jr. Jold "1)19 iaffieiudan Bohaana** antnehaa 
ichf dnaa Budin 1760 aii^a kl -iua Juaanga^iaiiide hatt^i, }ilf ?axaiiian - 
4^ Jtf^lan. Bi» G-nin Mnrcti cia uater liar Mrxcntbefugnia der Orafan 
Sternberg und M sanburg geweaen, aeren stolza Burg auf dam Haaanbarg 
bei I*ibocho*it» dap Land rioch Jetzt ©la rtolze T^uina welt baharracht 
Lninr Tauceig k ufta ein Hiu a in ^udlnt abar achon Torh^r waran 
Judan aortt ^ii« von dan vJrafen gazmintren wurdan» Tcirlaaaana Hauaar 
zu kaufent und dia eine hebraiacba TnachrJft ait daa ITagen Larid 
auf ihrer Kuhle anjabracht batten. K^«an unaarar 7aaiilia Panta» 
Brill» Getrauer. ^racheinan in dieaaa G-^raaelwark und zu aain« Br- 
ataunan fa.d ich auch dort Bildar ron daa Vatar a«lnaa VatarSf dar 
Mutter aein'^r Vuttart Eailiat und einae Groaaonkela 31ocll« Auch 
dia 7a»ili« iellnar let dort haufig arwiikint. So heiratat« tin* 
Judith aellnar 1870 einea Keraana Fanta aua Ubochowlti. Xint Selaaa 
wurda in "^udin bareita la Jahra 1680 arrichtat und alna 8yna«»ga 
ia Baroekatll 1631. Daa Bach Laaainga war Tarborgtt ala ZaielUAt M 



- 7 . 



da«9 lASar ifut^fi phlioaophlsohsn V.rkchr in dm Best gehabt hat. 
StlAMi Toa faj3d «r les«nd* }fir sehrltb auf (il« TiaehpUtt« oUt 
Krtidtt "L«icht un4 tc.iMvrsXosVt ua ftein« Trau su trostaiu IU# 
^Hu dle8«8 L^ear ""auoBlg, ,jeborent Lajadamaniif ©oil roii Zeit su 
Ztit V«rfoI7i:un/rR«rnhn g^haht hnben. Labat «p«rrte «!• dnon jaii» 
elnfach la den Keller eln und pfle^te slo hlnje iun^aToll bis sit 
v^itder norm«i wurrte. Diese Ihre wechanlndt Sxlst^rn* hut »ich fort- 
gttrbt wle dlo hoh« J .Istltjlc^tit Ln«fir«. GroaiTatrjr KiWartt von den 
Bpater di« ^ta« B«in wlrd. und der Kftkelsohn von Lna^r* «l«o dtr 
Brudcr mein^r Ur^rossrauttar Chariott«, waren ceir uiiruUlg** ^^uschan. 
Kin Bruder vom iros6Tat«r Aibtsrt, Hermann oohrt ;iehort In dl«s« 
K«lh«. i*r nahia uie ^ uf «» t;iii oastb^ai^nter Zaiuiarzt In Prag« d«r 
nur Iiochadel and ho-^hsto Otti&tlichkdlt behandalt« and naeh d«B ^in 
Kundwaasor verblieb* w«leh«i njch rlela J^ihre in unoerer Apoth«k« 
hergeatijllt wur<l« und «^U8ichIirf88llch von dem -iochaael und dtr 
h ihan Jaietllcakei t gticaurt wurdt. Ich arianert l^qUp wi« atolz Ich 
wart ate u-«»a -Aiuipg^^tn vor d^r \nolheke hi.a*:en. ^r ^ndeta 
durch Seibatmord, 

Vleles in Boln.n Tar»ciil«d9n«n abrupt.n Vsriumaruiigan ■-io«r 
L«b,n.rlchtun^-,n lat w.hr.-h.inXleh auf dl^.e Ver9rbunb-,n «uruck- 
zuJ-uhren. Schn un4 Schwl.^.rtochtw al...e L^ar. Jo,ciil. und 
Jualth, b..oiu.t« i« K.u«l«lt« .in .inat«cicl^„ la.^Xlcha. ^.baud,. 
U.fn b,fand alch aa. .,.c«rt. an L.in.n^..ehHrt. .a. tl.f und 
.cb.al war. ob.n ^1. W.hnun,. una .1. y,n.t,r Mlckten h.r.u. auf 
di» s'-hmal, 'ueisngasiaa, ell. ran .^ w^-w 

kowlt«« T)ah«rr«eiit wird«. Kola-..!--. . 

• •n kbiii^llAhan '!«-■ v «. 

^•n .It.. :,,i«. .r^„..«.,fr .^.arlatf. inr -'nxa., 

^ , *iittt, da» ron alnai 

*ewi.„„ 2,ub,r a,r .-^Ica.un.. ... ,,,,,,^. ^^^ 



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• 8 • 



4rar« Der Dicht«r und vbent urer Caaanora loota in d^m Schlosaa 
kurx« Z.'it %l8 alt^r nn una ordiiatd dort cli« Bibilothtk* und 
war ciitaor t^auiiim^ii«i70il« Zaabor&rt der rieileicht di^ 3«8i« Ciiar- 
iotttsna baainfladdttf* Sia war von zartar 3a&tait» aiit jrooaan 
bl»uan \ugt9n« Ihr ^Jabicbt loII aim eln l.onncage&icht ^ev^aan 
a iin* Ciia iiabta rsiamn. Ghrlatar.* naturlich lioffi.ungcloa9 und 
achriab Jaaichte* ^'^it ^robser Hlu^abun^^ pflu^te tie Kr^uk^f 
Christen und Judent ^enn si a jfam ^aran* 31 a w^r in Kaudnitz 
beruhmtt man aai^ta von ihr» daas nia iurch Hand'^ufle^en Bchmcrzaa 
llndarn koiiiit^* Han riaf nach ihrt un lelchter sterben zu kSuiient 
wann el a dia Hand nuf dla Btirna leite* So a'^h &ie vitdia Mcnachaa 
starban und daa Laban verflOLa ihr i a <sine trauriia I'al dla* 
ioatha war Ihr I.iabliiij88chriftfet»filt?r und yon der >feBBiada kaimta 
aia 5an£a Stucka au8w«ridlg, l>la Jlt«rn aiafar Ursrostirnuttar waran 
bar':?it8 ^naz vom Juuentum entfarnt. L}ia war-sn reich» aber ^a war 
aina ua^lucklicha Mha und Urr^robumuttar arsahlto mir» daas aia 
Rauf- und ^rdgelazanan d^r I^lt^rn :;rlaota und d<^ia8 bia bai alaaar 
Galagatih'.'it TOn ihrea Vatar Tcrprugalt wurcia» "n^im 3la ihra liuttar 
Tartaldigt«« Diaua i^uttar Jualth trl^b jros&an ToilettonluxuBt 
dan ihr Ifann varurtailtet aa ar «$t«ab gaisig ▼«raniu^t vart uxid 
wann aia wiadar ain u^u^a Klaid wolit<« sa^^ta liiai ''GaxuK Xaar iat 
ta in mainea Kaatan; ain ^cUtai kdimte m,a uarin ..u&andaiu'* Yoa 
ihr ^tniamtan rarlfjnachnara » dia Urgroaamut tar Chariotta aufba- 
wahrta# bia aia ihr ihra Schwlagartochtar fur Ihra Toohtar Olgat 
dia dla ^au dea Dl^htara Hujo Snlua wart abbattaita. Urgroaa- 
auttar Chariotta heiratata baraita 16 Jahra alt. 



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• 9 • 

Urgrosaratjr Simon :mg9l «us H«leli«iiau war «lii sohtiner* statt* 
Xleh«r Umjm$ glattraslertf oo class Ihn dlt LnndXeuto oft mil Hand- 
kilsssa als ?fa ror bt^jraaBtan. ^r war sin sehr ori,;lB0ll«r Jelst. 
Zuwrot war or Jacklmiidi'^ in P.audnlts* daua "vtirci^j er Landwlrt in 
Hsicksiiaii* JOort war tr dor ttrsto* dor eino kunstliche Diin ^m^^ tin- 
fulvto* iDio Bau^rii laclit<si:i ihn -^us* Go hatte er iirj&al alo Kiss- 
fold gsdiomt; als dsr Kids huran^ruchst otaiid in aom /aid ir^ss- 
Milchtlg dis kufBchritt aut don hoch^^awacUaonsn iCleopf iansen: "Wir 
eini kanetlich godaii^t.* ^t hatto den mdorn ""eil ieia ^«ld^8 un- 
gedungt gelae&en. ' fim ^in Ariaer ^tmt hek^m .fr ^ll«8 <ra3 ^r ver- 
langto* :Ur.m!il jab jr seinen le-2Sten Anzu^ wei and muesta im 
schwarson Cabbatabratonra?k mfj ?eld • Ur ^roasinutter zerbrach Blch 
den Kopf aarabert vrae dsr jeiatliche ne^r rat ihrem 7elde aur^htet 
als sis iha von wsitim snh. r.i« hrarhte iVja dao Ksssa ?*.ufr> ^eld 
und im irah«rkoriaB*fB ^^k- unt^ aie ihren Umant zxx ihr^a irstaunen and 
Schrecksn in arh^ars^fn Vnsug bairn Pflujsa, Urgros^: :.u tter liebts 
ihn mit vier gaiuaen Kraft ihrer biaher ao trauri^en Seols» aber b^ld 
war ihr Glack yorbei* '^ war Ihr untrou una lurh 'jtwae Torochwcnds- 
risch und ei« muoste aehr hart arbciten. Sio hatt* -m ihrer «^lnsn 
Kand g*ina Tobogens "'irig^r ron aer ^rbeit in Troct unl va» V^iucbo- 
was'^hsn in der Kalto* Ihrsn Yniji rerchrxe cic rber trotrdoK wis 
oinsa H«iiligenf dsr cr nicht war. Kr war (;anz aufgcjklkrt und er- 
aiihlto alt grdf Steffi ntolst dass er «ur Zoit der Achtundvi^rzi jor 
""efvolution auf ei.-ur Barrlkaas wuf dor r nrlsbrucke in '^roij ititge- 
lti«pft hatte. ''^or dor Henktion konnts or sich nur rsttent inc.iwi sr 
aich bol ine« "^raunfis vieraehn "ago i« Keller vorotockts. In 
solnsn Altor Isbto er in Trag in usn ?i inborgon (Vinohrady). Bort 
srriehtsts or don sehonen zwaiturmigsn Tsapsif abor nicUt aus 



"ic- 






- 10 • 



fr#ia«i^liit» osAdsrn nur ma a«insB bostgi ?round» Rabblnsr Starkf 
«inen "oetwn au Yvraehaff oa • wioaor Habbinar Stark war naeh Kit- 
teliung<fa ran iiflly %ag«l, gsbor^ns ^hisWrgart die os TSn ihrsa 
Votsr arf*?hr«9n hnttot t»in gana groaaor loiohrtert wahrssb^lieli 
«in«r der «ilorlotato« ijrasaon Judiachsn }«l«hrten ^raijs. Doktor 
StarkanatslAt der Istats ^ratjor Pharmokoiogs an d«r JDoutschon Ual- 
Tarsi tat i sraahittf dam Vatarf dea ibbin^r Tiiidb«rg<*r» dasa or 
vib^tr ^ino beHti^iRts ?flanas in ""nlaud Boschsid wleaen volilo und 
ru d«B '>abbin^r :tark jin^« I^ioaen traf er ab«r • uf aer Stisgs 
an und fragto i>in auf d«r ntie^i^ riach diss^r -fl^iiias. Habbinsr 
Ct^rk Bn.;t?f ihn sufort «u8 diin Kopf «^«»att uis ^t^-Iap wo dieao 
Pflanzs iai ?'»ic:ud rorkooEt. Ale *r daa i^Id far li © Cyna^ogs 
sa-'iaelto» fuiir **r in gnaa Oeat«rreich und Deutachland h*ruai* pis 
kleino F iaotagchsf dio «r dimalii rsithatt '# mit grosson Blunon 
puf Fanraa toe der Urgrouaimit t#r ^entiekt* aeii^tt 5r mir oirnaal 
nit jrojifiOB ;3toli£i Tm w^r oiraail dor T mptl in "^ inberge drin,* 
Mit StoXa blickta ich als Kind vom '^iitrin ^uf di-^st zwsi joXd- 
Xouchtisndsn "^^rtio w i t an :ioriaont« Mb jun.^oror Knsm a*i'?hto or 
^r^ikas Rifiaon fiiit dsr ^nnznn ^-leilisf i^^it m^iXn^r }r« anuttor 
:SmiXis und dsren Td^ht^rot and ieh ^Xnubs nichtt dtas nnaors 7a- 
milisr* 90 zuaa iKenhin^^n wie dio n^inijc* Od«r s^ its os das bs- 



Icaroito ^^tjuaiae^is F*imi Uen^ofuhX isweotn sain* das uns ^rhpltsn 
liat bis auf aon h^utigcn Tag? 

Bin asdiohtff dms or n«in^ l^uttor in ihr Poeoi^aXbusi sohri«^» 
lot fur ihn chnraktsriatischt obonaa wis os d%a ^tdicht iat» das 
seins ?rau in d«\8 \Xby« ^jln^istragon hatt 



-rA- 



**■•• 



''SfcJ 



I*' 



. 11 - 

Kleht laaor ist dw Lob en 

It'tnch Gorf • und L«ld 

Aucli brlngi^ clle Ztlt. 

a«h» dl«««ii autig •ntgt^eii 

Bew%ur» hoi torn Slnut wan das :ier«. 

2»4 boalmiaat Ihron SoUagon 

dec ttmchllchtn Selmori. 

?uo ^-uto« nur ua dos guten wliXoa 

Und Btr«iig in ..rfullunj dor PfXlcht 

alack bluiit air im Bowus»tooln doa .till en 

l>aiik, Aii«rk^i4.ung bedurf oo d^^n nicht, 

Dtla Irosar^tor Simon ::ns.l ;2o.8opte..b.r 1873 

¥t?ln iitibff :,V.>.if 

In delnea ^a..^-n ...j^jxi ael k^n Tag 

Der «r.der.s dir a« ^utes b^iugen ma«, 

Schaufko Ibn dafur lilt dor Tat 

Dlo tuch uur gutos in rich hnt 

Una k^^nat du durcu ^^at m r.l-ht 

Woil an li raft es :ir ijebriciit 

So tu ee durch oin \^ort 

J>'0 welat Eiut iiut«a f^rt. 

Bint du Auch dft r.och ochwach 

So '-ufo <»lnoa aodnxiken wncli 

Von don dlo 3>ol wlrd klap 

L'nd daa Hon oriluht 

Aua d#m la Zulamft dio £:utt Tat orbluHt. 



Oroom,i«a Chariot to :ir.gol 44.7.1867 



- xa • 

arooamuttor Charlotto hatta auek roiaaiida altpragor SpriA«tfrtor» 
ran donan ieh mleh <ai ainoa orlnnerot daa aio mirt bogloitat Tam 
ihr^A oigenartigon kurion Laehan lait dor ?rago Tor«itttslto» "Woiaat 
Dtt waa daa I<ab«u dlr bringon <vird? 2in ^daomoa Buehaal» ain ail* 
bern«»a Hlxolf •!& tialaonoa tart* t/lna Veil* •« Huga Salua hat diaaaa 
qltao Spruch in einoa aeinor iodiehto Torwendot.- Orosssiuttor hatta 
Zuknnftabliekf done d^^c Lehtn ^ab ut^r Tlel» r.^isn oa iiir auf oixaMil 
jnd Ileea mir auacor aioeon droi Din^^n dae waa ich :air solbat woA 
«chwer Torachafft oabot una «iuch das Ai«t Jioch unaichor. 

Um kt»m Jedon ag in dor kieinon ^onnunj der Urgrosaoltora ia 
den T inberfoR zusfiKmen. Zuerat bstrat Bian aio £ueho» in wolchor 
die herrllcheton Kuehoxi und "^orten untcr dar iufelcht der Urgroaa- 
renter ron <if»T kleinrn ^J^nm. ^j^barkan wurdon. Dia slelno Anna war 
unsahligo J^hro bol rq^rocarfiutt^ir nia Ki>chin. Mit groaaan blauan 
^Uj^'jn und font nn don Kopf geklebten ochflwtaigblonaen Maaran. Auf 
dem HintTkopf w^r ein Zoof achnackenartig ^^ngobracht. Sio trug 
iHlor aehr brtjite und t^d<*llos e-^ubiro Ochurson* nac^iadttaga war 
yon dor ftacen Kochorei niehts mehr su ^paron. Dn hatta dia klaina 
Ajina bereita don Kolabodec jjawaa-^han und mit weieaaB Sand baatraut. 
I/aa Vohn-ciirim^r war nir goarhwunjjanwaf achwarB-wichalainwaBdaatfi Sofa 
und ebenu'Jlchari f^easoln nussoatattot. Sola Senator 4nd ain lILhtiaelit 
den ich b^aonders liebto» well or ait bunton achill ^riidaa Hilaara 
und 'f^^i^lmuttsr ^In^^lo^t wart und ain ^ikuot dor ron Mina tligliall 
gewnarhan und be looaen wurdat- tr aah aua wia Icunatlicht atmad ¥aia 
andorn. Das xw-jlte 7Amm^T war daa Schlaf aiwiar. Dort at an iaa 

dia Bott-sn r.it blutenwolsaon '^Iquatdaekan lagadaekt. Suarat warda 
"Daddcl" s^BPiolt; wlc Idi ?ir»nohaaf aia altjudlachaa Kartaaapial* 4* 
Finion nftchf dac un^ofSihr oln koaplisiortas Hariaga war. fuur aiaii 



4 ^ 

/I -4 



-A\- 



v.. ,;■• 



• X3 - 



wmtmn b«8oad«r« aiisi«li#nd <U« faiitaati»ch«ii Bilder d«r K6uig% und 
UaigiiiJ2«a« Uiit«rbroclitii wurd« dies Spi«^ durch Kaffo«trixik«ii and 
ma«s«nhftft« Vtrtilgun^ d«r Vund«rw«rk« ron Axmaf und durdi leidtn* 
sehaftlich« 8s«n«a» botond^re iwlsohcn UrgrOBsrater Siaon und Oross- 
Tator Albertf die sirh weldlleh beBrhlmpften und uralta UnetioMlg- 
»c«ltiin ^m-dan hprTor<[jeholt» und elch legenaeltl^ an d«n Kopf gavor- 
fen. /^o3BTat5r Vlhart wrirf den UrffrosBTater aelst Beine VerBChWBil- 
.unjseucht 70* uiid die kl »lne i^itjlft der Crrossaiuttt$r« Die iftelber- 
gescalcUten Tt^rs'^U^le; trt deiui ar hatte eren auch elne l^en^e auf 
dem KerbAols* ^r pfle.it e Immer bel BolchBn aalegenh^ilt^n den AUB* 
Bpruch aeln^r /'utter zu ^Itierom ":>ln« />ute '^'rau muss elne c^rosBB 
SchUvte habon* u£ die f ehle r ihres lAonee mit ^jln^in UcheXn susu- 
declcen.** An alesen i«ac^unltta^en Mirueii luaner seiir vlele .^amiXl«tt- 
•rinuerungen ausgskraffit una Lrciroeaniutt^r t?r&ahlte nit r^tols Ton 
dexi H'^lcentaten aee Ur<^rodciTMtc<r0» Sie ha^ te iromer ein rilzendeB 
Spl t Benhiubcuen nn und ua mu Hals wnren ib^nf-ills ir^<2ridwelche 
3plt»«n ijij«oranet. UrirOdtiTater Sl?\on und IrOaaniutter BniiiB 
Beiztun tich d'^im xua Schaoiiy -vaarend aer aiidere Tdl der FaaiiiB 
weiter "daddeltc". iiach dem Toae aee Lirgr^eeTaterL vohnte UrgrOBB- 
mutter in der liVohnunts irir-e S4>tinep Ludwig lUiifsl una der SohvlBger- 
tocht^Ff (^er Tante Lu1b« In dur Voiinun;^ er viroBamama jmlXla la 
Gtadtpnrk in *4iuqB 7ornelita«A K^ur e in n^ichuter ^Tachbairsciiaf t der 
KlXXlonire r^etachok ^oiruen uieoe ^aniiieu .u&mx*menkuuf te fortgaaatsty 
nur in etwaa grJ38&ujig^*rea AusQaas. ?aiiny» uie iCbchic der Jraaa* 
aaiOAf war ein Jag^nDtack 2U der kXeinen /v. nat eiu war beinaha la- 
benaXangXich oei ^rv'Bsai'uiut und ale einzi^e ^iruon« 70r der dar 
GrOBBTatar Mbert "espekt liatt«« ^enn er ein^a "'utanfXl bakaa* aa 
brauehte ale Ihn nur ^inzuacU'tUan mlt ?inea st^IireekerreiXendai BXiek 



I ! 
I f 



- 14 * 

unc alt Ihrtr tT^oaaen liase drohend Xtm zugeweudet» war er gXelek 
wleder la 3Xelchgewicht« lUr beeouaerer LicbXing war ueia Brudar 
Ottai der nwjh ihrea "Xinsch n^ch seinen llaman Otto naoh ihraa Idaalt 
dem Kbnl/^ .Itoknr* erhlelt. 

Hancha/'X nirden dioee ^jrocatiU tieBeiXscIiaf ten unt^rbrocban und 
die F'-^mllle rerB' W' It e ?iich b«l .'tutrl^, defn t'Jr^^^'ten Zucic©rbiickar 
Pr^ga -la " drzel8-»lntz. Der Ladan war la ?*pirterre Yon der Otrasaa 
au;anglich durch ilTenturoilcha 3i«i8tur«»n, die nit klein^^n i-ingeXa- 
jeotaiten a<»B-'^'^wickt wnren. Van betraf den herrlich duftandan rtami 
auf ti^fen I'oten Te:ipi han, vor eich den Hi -sen^iufbru der ron una 
ao ^•iiebtdii ;> ucke. Voaa VdrknufBrnua t^tii^^ mpin -liie ^eachwungana 
'^r»ppe »i£por» ait ratan T«*pplchan belert und jolderem iitter. Auf 
der " nd waran theatervorh-'\nepaiaelaj jem Xte ingeX, xie Zuckortfark 
na8<-hten und aus TuIXnorr <irn d^e beaten Kunstwtrka dea Ilerrn Stutiig 
auaachut teten, Ob»ju aa^a man an i.. araortischen mf :oXd^nan rot- 
»iimx^u%ix 0('88eic;ien unu u e i^Ladchant aits bedientan^ saheii gar aieht 
via KeiXneri-i-eu wi^p yo.dern wie vorn laiea Persoiiol in einea SehXoBi 
Gie *ru.;«a wucebX^iU jjefcr^iirta /J.eiaer mlt weiaBcii Tanchettan und 
Wtfi buan i;churzch«£n, \ut ciea £apf hatten eia rie&ib'e welaBa TuXX • 
LiaschaHf vie wi© ':irii«n8C/iii;^t t^riii^iie xJLf liiren Toup-^ea saaaaa* 
i;ie3e uiiderv^^iexi )ra iit^n acUokoXadetassen ait exuea riiulgea Barg 
ScaXaisaiu^e daraaf uud ^vundervoXXa Kaatonldnacludtten mlt Krea uod 
anceri htsrrlleha -tucke# vun aeiian ich Xanga ^'eachlchten araiUiiaa 
kbrnte ind Ola rnich ^xuvh .aa ^iXXererata TaX diehterlaeh b88chaftlgtaa« 
lah f ntasl ert« v^snprvcha z iech^a dieaan wundarbarea WeaaUf i4Uiraad 
ich ale Tit H^oligenuiia rt^rochaang* Auoh dim alt Puttl gaaolaaiaktaa ^ 
3tuckoriifiaente ^.iruten nut alch al* gertAiu mtslkgawd. tlgar Kraft* 
Kb war -ica Marchenw^lt und wlr Kinde# durftaa uaa auawaliXaa« aaa air 



f 









r-*:- 



■■» 



- 15 . 

•oilt... l,.gl.lt.t r.n ,„. r..p.ktann«..ena« w«l.«a.eUg«. 

«art.a. in a-. ,oth..ch ...,uua K.ff..aaa., das uraprox^Ucb ,1a, 
orr«, "«„..., .nr. ^ ax. >,»i«.i.eh« und JJst.rreichl.ch* H.n-.ch.r 

«lt rot<itwurf«iteii Tl»clitach/«rnf In d.T- i^if* ♦ . 

u u^mru, in dfir i^ltte star.d uar PaTlUaa 

*- » u urbro»9TattfT ZXmoa und OrObs^iitter .ijililt 
^-if it^i d«r Lu«lk3taci£e. die ale fr^ua^ und ep- 

xca le'-ntQ auf aiasa «.i8« Offenbach 
uad K«yerbeert Strauss, Verdi unr v^r.«,.hi ^ », * . 

"iBten kennen. Die Lusik jur -Puooenf e- und r^«^ - . . u 

iu.uonie und tier ..idelzkywarach 

gefitl mir -in besteii. Zu« Kaff«« und zur 3cho>aln<«. . i * 

v*«u ^.ur ocuoKoxada ueryierte man 

.xn,a »o«,n..a>t.B Strle..!. ein, .rt su«,.. Barehe.. daa «it Ro»l«« 
und Uand.ln «Tailt w,,. u„, ^.^ Kinder b,>c-..„ von ..r .rwac^,«.« 

noch K^fldeln ,U8 lhr,n Gtack^xi In d.n Vu^d =ie8te(.kt m „ , 

'y*' A44U iieatecict. in meiner Sr- 

a«rT IX aurti^jn Toiletten der > men au8 7ull 
Oder Suitie. ruck^-^rts mit etwas S-hlenn. r -n j i 
hoben Kr«i^9ii und mit «in**» - ^^u 

Hute .it y.ilch^aarr,n,..ents oi.. •..3.n oder TuU .it .ro.aen Sa.t. 
«a,ch.n. i)ie -mf :eBp..nt.n S.it, ^naehirme h.tt.n .u^ an ihrer 

Spitse die 3pcn d«i«u pnBaend^in v^ii<*Y«.»« 

^ «»ena«n \^;fXlcntn- ogen- Oder S^tbandar. 

Sin berufimte* GecU-ht ron ^^u,ro ^-lu. h^^ h* . . 

-^u,,o aus, d«r die iCu^ine m^xn^^ Muttert 

Olga, heiratet., h.iast ^i^ruhlin^Bhut- unci b.aciirabt ein« ai„e, 
entsuckenuen Kun.twerke. Ich erinn^re .ich noch a« Glga, wie si. 
damaie .u...h. eln ^.„, fein licht^eues. dufti,«. aeid war g.. 
Bel««ckt .it eine« brelten, .x,„,, Ca^t^urfl, der ^t ale.- b- 



ruhntMirprdenen Vellehenhut harmoniertt. 



^/ft 



. 16 . 

Dieses Jedicbt war abgedruckt in den beruhmten Zeitschrift' 
•Jujiend* und "SiapIisisBiMUs" un& wurdt stlindig bei 7eier& •■ 
Vj tragatiaclu «u ^ehdr (jebracht. Sp&ter belli elt iTOBumtmm dies« 
aewohnheit bei und icb jeauchte ele dort oftp sie sass dort «it 
Tants Luist bia einea Kach«ittag« ©la von ihrera Seaaal ▼•■ Sehlag 
getroffen fiel und "^ar.te Luisa und der Kallner bracht^n aia ia 
einen ^^^^gen nach Hiusa ur.d in derB«*lben Hacht starb eia. 
Dia Srinnerung nn CJroasaaittvjr IJnilie iot bei nir iinaer Termangt 
■it dan Kiridruckaii uieaer Baumjartenara und ich atme noch iaiaer 
in der Hriunerun^ aan au&aen Duft der 3tief»utterchaii und der 

Ma^nolien* 

Dia lt»frn meinaa iroaavat -rs \iberti des Vatera meiner Muttart 
war^n ciurch eigena \rbeit reich jeworden. Auch hier war ea dia Up- 
grosaButtert Katharine Sohr» die hauf ta^ichlicht wia dia Jroaaaama 
Kmilia» d^s Jeld rerdiente. Sia foJmten in Libochowitm und aia Ur- 
groBsffiutter rau88te au aen Prager Uarkten .^nfa^iga lu ?usa gahan, ain 
Mnrach von m.ndeBtena mehn 3tunaen. 3ie muaate aurch eina^ma Waldar 
und einen ^erg hinunterat lien, nn deaaen \biiang Tiela Jahra ap&tar 
dia YiXXa meiiier Jraaamnina limiXia stand und iroasMaaa }j3Biiia «r- 
»ahXte una Kina^rn, wia .la Urgroasffiuttar achwar bepackt «it 3toffa« 
au Karkta *og, wtihrend dar iK UrgroaaTatar aich aainaii hebr&iacha* 
StUQiaii ergab. Fur dia rothaarigat blauJIciga Urgroaaaiuttar gab aa 
abar nichta harrlicharaa aia diaaan UrgroaaTater. dar an seblBar 
und elaganter Kann war. Spater konnta alah dia Urgraawuttar aeton 
einan Wagan 1 iaten und dar Jawailiga StugUng wurda iiiitgaiia«««. 
iroaarater Ubert araahlte, wia «r aia Saugling znf&lUg i« •!«• 
Kiata auf da« Kutacheraita fial und diaaa «« Oiucl auklappta, 
al. dar ^agen u«kippta- »« -ai-alta allaa auf u«d fiUir mmdk Hauaa 

^ 1 'l^ 



"li*; 



t. 



"i. . 



' '^■it. 



,^' 



'•,/* 






1*^1 






# 



?•€* 



I'' 



. 17 . 

uii4 naoMtfi di« Urgroasmuttor all«« Abgtladtii hatt«ff mriauTtm sle 
0ie)i mB lhr«n Siiugllag uAd fancl llm nach laxi^«a 3uch«ii •AclXicli la 
b«s«gt«r i^l8t«. Sid hatttfii cilntf l£«a^« Illnder* Jross^iiutttfr Marl«» 
dlt )<'utt«r Mtfines Vaturs uiui deii ^ai^oiiiiaf tdi; Zajmarzt, dta lc2i solion 
gfUiS Am A^f^nj ^tschildert h^bet und dtn liocholti^ai^ten dtelnrttlehan 
Brudtr d«» CrroBavateret i!orlt«f der in Prag eino bek u.nt« H«lt«r- 
fl^sur !■ Bnu«i;art«n ^ar und auf mlch turner cl«n Jllndruck eia«0 Hoeh- 
adtligen iii«cht«» mlt 8eln«B Htitkntcht hint^ iha. Ich traf lim 
oft Im Baum^arten, wtioi ich Ton uBs^rar Villa In ^odbaba zu Tuaa 
in di« Sciiule iing. }3.r b«ujt« sich voa Pf«rd« nlnunter und sprach 
mit olr l«ut8«Iig» gsnx im Tone ron Knlser ^rariz Jos-f, 

Bit <9rBt« 51 chulbil flung erllslton die Kinder in dm. Landstadt- 
chtn in der ^ohnuii?j den Inbbet der ausBer seinen relif^idsen 
Pfllchtec dia Kinder dar Jadischan ?aBilli«$n zu erziehtii auf alch 
nahm. 1)1 est ^r^lehuiiti dtiaerte Ton fi*uh sachs Ubr bis acUt Uhr 
abends* Lie rllndcr Xeraten alia Vachar b<»i iii eeoBi U^xm und wurdan 
barbariach bettraft, Ber O'^ossrater ariahltet was fur eiu«n Lia- 
druck ts a^ dia Jun^en Jeauter machta» waiiH der Lehrer einar Sc^- 
larin di« R<ielc« nufh(t> uad sit ganz einfacb auf den nackten Hint am 
•chlug. Fruh ;iii>^ aaa nocb alt einer Latarnt In dia Sciiula unA 
wna dia iCinder aakaaant riaf ihnea dar Sehulaaister 2Ut '*Lau8a 
geban langaaa", Kr dachta aaalicht dA88 da8 V^ort "iiilaa'* so aua- 
gatprJchan wird und warntt dia Klndtr auf ditaa Welsa aelna ia- 
aablia nleht la Morganaehlaf sa atdraa. mt iUnder Ton Katharloa 
uni Jakob Johr (deasen Vater war laraal uad 8alnt 7rau liieaa Bolltt 
wohntaa in Leipa) waren \lbart0 dtr Vat«r aelnar Uuttert i'aria* dlt 
Mutttr atinet Vatertt islisabttli und Haraaaa Sohrt uad Morits Sohrt 



dar tpattr in Prag in dar Sttfana^iaaaa tla ^alait bawoUntt* 



n 



. IB . 

aroasauttcr Xb111«» «li« t'utter malner Huttar* hatt« in Raldli^ 
nau in B»»»m» in dtr Judi«ch«n Sehwl* ein« jut* BUdun^' ^tkoaaw. 
Danais «ar«n di* Ju<li«ch«B 3ebul«B ••hr .."ut. »!• 3>ib«n dva 8tiwla«m 
«iua aUg«««in« DHaua«, die in dl«««r Zeit d«r kufkianing kla tea 
bach»t« (Jut g«s4i&tst «urd«. Ilir tlnxLjar Bruder Uidwig «urd« »*«r 
8chon all Zw81fjalxrlg«r in ain Ssoehaft ««Bt«el* , w«« ihn abw nieht 
hindertai eintr dar relehstan ?or««ll!Uifabrllf<at«n in Aicta Stt w«rd«n 
»r war alna ror-nelMia Srachalnuns, pflagta i« Baimjartan auch m 
reltan und w«r in T'ra« gas«ilachaftXleh -ina ParsBnlichitait. 
8 ina ?T8u w«r Lula« Tausalg, aelna Kuaina. Diaaa Tauta uiia. iiabta 
ich S'M* baaondaro. Sia uberachuttata una mit J«ach«nkan und ibr 
rosa-stuBtener Hokoko-S-ion ^raehlw mir ungeheuar TOrnahn. An dar 
Wand bins ein ^jr^aaa. 'ortrnit Ihrar Tocht^r Olst*. Ton da- t>arub«t«n 
K.nltr ^ohwabiuaki. Inr B udar I'aui wurda in .J«ns juiijan Jabran naoh 
Fruiralcb gaachiekt, wm uia Laderbmncha su eriarn*. iir holta 
aich nieht nur fran.o^lsoh, aondarn »ueh die frauzoaiacba Krankbait. 
KT wurda K*T«Uariaoffl«i«r und liaaa aich aa-ufol^a tauf«. £r 
heirnteta ana Ohri tin, dia ar unToraichtigarwaiiia in «in«« U«»>««>- 
rnuB, fiaa BliaaaUa sakuaat hntta. D<.r Bruaer car 3ama ar.chian 
pietziieb, drobta .it aina- Ukandal, d.r P-ul um saiaa om»i«r«- 
.t,lU bitta bringan klJ.nen, und .0 ka« ciia^a Hoob«eit zuatWMl.. I* 
.rir.n,ra «icb noch an dia furcbtbar d.prlr.iarta nti>nnmn« dar Hooli- 
.alt. s.-alX.chaft. an dia Tranen d,r "•'nt, I.uiaa und an da. *itan4« 
aasicht ron Onkel Ludwig. Sgltar arobarta aich dl. Jung. Trau, il. 
.,hr acbttn war, ain. at.Hung in dla.ar ?a«ili.. und gu>. baaondT. 
naeb dar i.burt ran ...i prachtTOll«» 8»bn.n. Int.r...«»t lat dia 
Tataacha. daa. dar .ina 3ohn dia -rnditian dar FULaophla watar- 
fuhrta und D..ant dar l-hiloaophi. in ^.« wurda. -»». nua lb. ga-.»-| 



11, f 



\*-f 



.'*■' 



iK 



. 19 - 

d«n i.t. w»lM leh aleht. lrQ.«««u war -An, -ro,.» 3ch»nh«it, 
«!• uad Ihr Vattr, d«r Ur«rotirr*ter nlnon, rwrntandan sloh mtf 
.•Ichn^t. 31. X.bttB M^rst U Libochowlts. CJroa.mama harat.t. 
alt ,.elii*ha Jnhr.ii, und *l«d.r« Ihren Kueln. Bit w«r «!«• s.l.Utf 
boehstthwd* ?r»u und auo««r«t jeschaftBtttohtij. Das scimlttwrwi^ 
g.Bchiift « 3tadtplmt» m Llbochowlt. ftihrt. .1. fa.t aan» ali«ia. 
31 • 1>«sa8a«B 9ln jrosses Haus alt alnw B«hr >»T9lten und .Xegaatrt 
3ti«:«, alt :;«Behnltit««B 3»l!ind«r, uad drnuus.n auf dtm Trottoir 
war m ^unten Stein-B d.r K«ne -A.S." auBS*leit. aroBSTBtar Alb.rt 
bB.chSftlst. Blch hauptsacHllch mlt B,ln*» Bruder Korll* xubbbbbbb 
mlt aruBdBtaek.:e8clMlft8n, %t war eln mos^s^cbatteT nat.r und 
Bteta von -lii« .TOoaBn Kund bBjl«ltet. aroBSYater war dar UBbar- 
«eu Mig , (JKBB dor "uBd Blch Tor lb. furcliten muss., und ^o rera*- 
reicht. W !)■ J-Jflen Vorgen ..Ina Portion rrugel. lima arme Tier 
tausBtB d«nn noeh st.in<i«.lnnc hluter bsIubb Pferd herrBimen. Jr 
wnr *ln BBwalttiitls ruT'yulTi.cteT Uenseh. 

i.m let klar, d^aa C.rb :A«pnar ralch warden uiuaete und =;anz 
beaondBra tIbX Yerdlanta aroaen^utter uurch an^a ^sen^rtUBn Vor- 
fall. Mb dlB DeutBchan nach der Grhlacht b.l K6nljgrat. Biasrelch 
m Llbochowlt. eln»03en, brachten el. (11b Cholara nit. Un Junjar 
OfflslBr, dBr bBl dBB .roBBBitari. ./oUntB, «ird9 -.uch kr'Uak. 3roB.- 
fflutttr TBTBtBckt. Ibn ab,r, daalt m-,u Ihn nlcht Ina Spital und dB« 
BlchBrn TodB auBU,fertB. Si. pflajt. ihii aufo.fsrnd und alB BT 
g.BUDd wurdB. V'.uftB Br lUr daa sanz. Lager «u .Ina* kolosaalBn 
Pr.lBB "b. aroBBmutter plaUa auch au.gweichnet Schach und hatta 
0«lBgBnh.lt. «lt Bin- .ehr solBtToUan Kwn. bIdb. dortlgw. lUuf- 
■ann. na-sne ^BlBSg^rbBT. m nl,lan. lilna wnhrhaft woaantlacU. 
i.iBkB TBrbiuad b^b abar rnlt «ln« achbnjn Junasn Vann «ub TIbb. 



-2.0- 



.so - 

.Ina. .u..,rord.ntUch ^alBtwoUBn Ub...cU,«. K.ln. «utt.r. 41. 
,.^.. uooh .1. .c.w.,..rlBCher BackflacU war. T^rllBbt. alch in 
,^. .0 daa. «1. .lr»« ^rank ««t. und ^cUwbt .lut.r-,-ur4.. 
U.ln Vater .-h.^ta da^Xa auch .u .,n v,r..rern dor .rOB.«« ua* 

w *i«-t- k'alM «latt«r war aD#r »o erfUia^ 
MaxiA f^r a^lat i^aix«r i»«»** 

1 w!4,.Kaan Li «ba iu ilautiierf date dittt 

Tatsache auf ai% ^nr KeAa^i ^ 

in- Pfiichtaa ais Traabadour Ton ar08»m.ma und ku.ata 

daa zarta» nocn unoaruic- v. 

Uama war eina Romantl'teria. 

' H*n in dar ?nmllla ^t aia abj«- 
. ..,^, t-auri^a *>a8 ij^oan m oar -ri««. 

w 4* 4 ni rater Li«b« an itoa aln*lgt 

T. n Dla wal acii/irm.riachan If^Adchai. waran untar 
Schw.Bt^r Ida an. Di# ••* 

%.^« un^ •naischan 3ouTi*rnantan» oaxaa 
d,r .ufalcht ron fran.oax.chBn und a^iXl. 

V >.t und beidB .Btu- XembBilTl*. ^^hrand Ida ««XtB. 

- «ri.it. BBiir BChBn KiaTler. Ich ha*, 
^t^htata maln« i-utt^r und oplaitB aanr • 

dlchtata «» vianan Crt Uoochowlta o" 

in S.B.iXBchaft -Bia.r Mutt.r dle-.n kX.lnan 

.» ih, «XlB t.g. la raXd. auf dBB ^leBBB otol- 
b.BUcht und -inti »lt ibr «XXb l.g. . „ ^. wl. 

. ^ iirh«i bXihtan dort 1b alnar Manaa. *l. 
ilartBB St«rcha und VelXchan oiani' 

Ich Bi. «on.t ulB «o . B ^^^ ,.pp.X.«r. 

nt ^. war sprlchwdrtllch In d.r F.i^Ua, da m 
! ..t,r aXB .XI. andarn OXBckan au Xaut.n bB.«m. 

KBln Vater ^rhiaXt spai.r .^b-h-b Mhiirt«g 

_t>t8 in aadaakBB Tartiei^ * , _- --. i 

■ tat. *» -»» ,♦..-, b.ifuiita* dan tf «.- 1 

.X 4., - < »ti xur lintarhnXtuB^ ttaiiaa^w* 



- as - 



!>*»' 



"v 



- ai • 

Amnkcnlos burtlts ron •ia«r and^rn P^aon g^drt hatt«. Wlr Kliid«r 
vart«t#ii •ellOA loftcr darauft bli si eh dma konasehc ?han<m«a vl«d«r* 
holtt* wit wlr auch Jedaa Jahr auf d«a «rat«n ?rulUln/is0pmsisrg«ng 
auf gelna T7arnuii^ wartetont nlcht untwr dla BauB« su j«h«ii» da •!• 
au88ehlji4[«A kdiiHtaa* 



't 



arJ«8iautt«r liiallle und IroasTater Albert ub«r8l«dalt«n daim spater 
nach ^rng und Ich hnb© bercits cJe8chlld8rtf wit di* Faollla daaais 
l8btt. Oroosmuttar war ungomein wohlUtlgf ijehiirtt belnahe ali^a j 

Tohltdtljkoltarortjin^n fuhrend ?ux und ^jruridttt ausa'jrddni noch elna 
Mengt Inatltutlonen, m> z.B. «ln Lehrlln;j8helm und elnt alien H«ii. j 

glontn zugiingllcUe frel* Kacht. ^ei lhr«Bi Bejriibnls war elne so un- 
gtheura etelll ,Ting, daaa der "^erkthr In dan Prager otrnsoan alnt z«lt- 
1-ng Rufgab-aten wurcia. Papas iatarn, Joachim und Maria ^' nta, Mnrla 
war aia ScUweettir voii Albertt wohntcn dam Haua der 5ro3Belt«rn Sohr 
ganau gagantibar. '^9 war eln ^infncheB Ilaua, im obern r>tock wobnte 
Urgroasmuttar Katharina, ron der ich achon <dr»ahlt habe» dasa sla zu 
?U8« oach !>ag bandaU ring. Dar Kof war Babr long und -m Znd% das 
Ilofas war aina boha Scheuar. GroaaTater Joachim betriab Landwlrtschaft 
Kr WAT aln auasarat liumoryolltr und nalver Manii» bl» In aoln apatt- 
ataa \lt«r in aoina ?rau 8cbraekllch Tarliabt. Kr :lng iPiit aaln^i Ax- 
^altarn aufa Fald ihinaus^iigl arbaitats als aratar* und so In 8^n« 
Arbalt vartiaft* dasa ?r gar nleht aarkta^ daas aalna Arbaitar fau- 
ianstan. ^r hatta cilnea mindarbaran Oiiubaa aA dia Oiita dar ^^anaal^ 
halt. In salnar LnocbuXd war 9r ran dar aalbatraratandllehsn AnatEii- 
dl^alt ainas jacitn ubarsaugt. J>ia rlaXan Kinder dea Shepaaraa ar^ 
taa aina gawiase Vornahshalt das Auftrataus ron itasi. Dar Glpfel <ax 
dleser Kntwicklung war der Jun;{st« Brudar mtflnes Vaters* HUcjSt der slch 



dar Offisiaraiaufbahn widmata und dar d r Sfris d r ^aaillle war* 
yeias :^atttir «iIlerdiii(S8 macbta aich sahr ubar Ibn lustig und brachte 
ihn ftnjsar dazut zu schwadronieran. Und ein beru JBter \48s;)ruch Toa 
ilim w^Tf "daae er elch nirbta Sch6ri«9re8 TOratallen ko. na» aia dam 
Pallid dixuaai. dan rot an Habn aufsx/ach satsan au koxman*. \uch er war 
ein ^l^nsandor Haiter und roil yon miiit iriscben k'anegaspaasan* 

i;ie Schwaatara meiiias Vatera heiratettin ^utsitui ;*rta Kauflautef 
zwei ^^uder ^loch» von danan der aina daa iaua der Urgrosaaltarn la 
Haudnits ub-srr.a^* ,:;r zaicbnete sich ^oinz basondars dadurcb ausi dasa 
ar is 3ach8und8dcazij4r ?eldzug Bnuchachmarsen bekniBf sich in ainno 
GraDan zuruckzJj und dort die ^anze Scblaebt abwartete. Ka gaif^ng IhB 
liachhTf etjina \bteiiuni wladerzufiiidan und tr zog mit ibr als Siagar 
in ^audnltz ein. ^^eina lro88altr;rn "ohr oplaitaa in Llbochowlta tjine 
grosoa *'oila. !Dar Groaaratar war hiufig 3a«aindaT0r8tand» die Gross- 
mutter uibta i^roaszu :ija ^ahltatL^ei t. Untar ^ndern 3chutzliiAgan 
wnren vi»r Geachw^ator I»ngai» Waioan nach «in?« T^abbln r und Chaaan - 
Ottiiiat dia -jinj b-ruhmta iwiariar ;)ial«rin wurd at T^ :rta» elne Bangerla 
und zwai '^rudert ron danen ainar aln baruhater Liri^^nt in Ijautscbland 
wurde. Vit Ottilia hatta ich aln intarassantas }s.rlabnl8t Bar baruhata 
Physlicar r;inptein ^rw^ihnts ainmai mlr gagenubar* d^iaa ar ao garns 
aina Bagiei tun,i zu tseiiian Vloliaapiel hM.tta» **abar"» sagta 9T9 "da loh 
salD^r 8dhr jut Bplaie» naaata main Baglaitar aln rlchtlger Kuustler 
aein* una i^h jlaubat Ich flnda kalnea» dann <%lie haitaa aich fur so 
herro-rfi randf daas Ich furchte* nicht aa sia harajaraichaa au kdnaaa". 
Ich aa^te Einj t aia: -Ha^r Prof assort Ich wrde sis mlt siaer KlaTler- 
Bplelerin bakm ntma bent die alne ar&tklassige Xumstleria 1st und dia 
trotzdam aina sahr baschaldene alta Jungfar lst*« "Hah Hah" • lachte 
Kinstain 9U8 roller K*hle» "das is t das rlcbtlga fur mleh. Da wir4 



- ai - 



- 24 - 



'«<» 



■8ln« frmu nleht «if«r0uehUg ••la"« leh mirda spater Ton OttiXit sit 
•ijusM ?«• als iiiiifti^«r ^ast eiii^«?Xad«o und kormto Kins tain auf di«a« 

^^i^hr^nd di« aross^ltdrn noch la ^ibochowits wolmteny Icauftc 
arOdsmat&a *sin9 Apotli«k« ait •iaea Haus auf d«a lli^uptpl-^its. Git b«» 



atimiat^t dass ofttiiB 7at«r A.poth«iker w^rdtn aollt9» um 1^b% A.poth«ic« 
spatdr xu uberiieiu&^n* ILnin Vator hiittt swar die Aboichtt die wiss«a-> 
Bcliaftlicht LauHialiii anzutret^n und »wnr j'E der ^r^i^er Technik, -sro •r 
3lch fur Krlstallojr^phlt hnbllitleren w/ollte, \ber der B«f«:il m&iner 
Chp^Bsrautttfr kopft« dio8« doffnujigen und so wurdt ^r ein ianx jewdhn- 
lichijr Apothekert und noch uozu sollte er sein L ban in dies^r kleineii 
Staat Tei!7riu^«nl i;i ?8«r trauriga Kmp skt hind arte Ihn nb^r nirht* um 
die Hand »eintjr Mutt«r lu kaapfen und in 'ier b^wuesten L'^ube ruckwiirta 
in lart-in fial ©r vor 22:amfli nuf Jia Knit und bptt sie flehentlicht seia« 
Frau su w^irc«n. M'^ine ITutter* die damale 00 romnntloch npjr» konnte 
nicht andtrc nle iim beida H nd© zum Kutse zu r«ichen und ein Jawort 
^u fluatern. Beiae iuhrmu nach aer Veriohung nach ^rag. I'ein Vatar 



wurde Tiro in dar Apothek# 



a& kleinisn Bin? bei yin^m Apotb«kcr» 



der -ie Ctewohnheit hntte» wenn ein Angeatellter ihn irjjsrte* durch 
den gwiixen '?^ua dem Unrrlu'^klicl^ n xuxurufon "S* Vioch!**. 
Meine i^utter ^ohnte bel Onk«l Ludwiji und ^inte Luise. 3ia sX^ Ao 
ein« Scnuiet in eine aog«no'jint« ii.r£i9hangBa stall fur hdiierd ?ii cuter 
und war eine herYorrat;enae Schalerin. Sie liebte mre I-.^hrerin ab- 
gttttiech. Dieee i^iebe h«itte «jin trauri^ea Hach^oieli ale sit oaniieh 
in der deutsch«n Kacherxahlungattundt ein Thoma aue ibrer Juj;end in 
Libochowits behandiXtat ar9^Tau<^^tt oie das tort •yebblch*. Die Leh- 
rerin stoppte sofort und aagte ihr» dass das Irein dtutacbea Wort aeil 
Keine Muttar aurde duakeXrot TOr Schaa und aagte Ihrt daas das nieht 



Mo^Xi.h w".r.. denn ihre kutter g.braiicht die... Wort aUndig. 3)1. 
Lehrarin wurd. .tr.ui und be.tand *alnuf • da., dia.e. -ort nieUt -^ 
.orko««en aarfa. da e. J.U.ch ..i- ^ane Iluttar brach in Tr^nan 
au. und dnait wnr dieaa Lirbfii erioce baaidet* 

Im Bnuee der Tata und dae Onk^Io «rlebte I^a«a iilnge, ran 
dena. aia fruaer . ^ch keiua Ahnun^ hatte. P r Onk.X hatta ain U.- 

A* 4 - ^«,-> ..iT-ittet^n ?rnu. le volX«t%nrlig aein«n 
b«8TerUAiti.i. aiit aiA^^r YsrUoiraxex-s« rv ^» 

T» I ., t.-,T.i.rh .- ei€te nir anmal auf aieae leben»Xan|Xicha 
?reunain deutands "D* B''^^" alnmal, m m«,«T*r 

?^.u ,u..,h^. S-forag.' /ir .,fl.l <1U..- ^I-^^ ^"^ '•^«*'* ^•"'»- 
der.. a,ru. .1. a«tt. d-r.al. chon ein rlchtlj,. B.rtch^n *uf d-r 
0»Tiip?.. ^i. -ar r.b.r iu.s r.t ,lt«la «* .in. .'lin«»d. Kart.n.pi- 
Urin. Di. .i>i»i«« r.ch.estcr «#!'. r Mutter T^rloM. alch uilt .in*. 
«ehn J.nr, iXfr^ K.m. d-r rich -.la I^oktor Juri. «ub<j.I.. ii. at.llV 
,i.b ,b«r nnch <i-.r E.lrat h-mu.. dn.e .r d.u Doktorjr.d noch nlcht 
,r»ork..n i-tt. unci ao -u.uf O-.-oa.o.m. auch noch ..In ritudleng^ld 

so k« .e, d,.. ;roaM»«« «crtrc-«lrai dl- Vit^ft noch ein-al erl^ 

- 1,-.. v,t«r knu^-t. Jl« oM :uua a» AltBtidtw Ring alt 

^ .. • j_ unma ua krilnoB '''rtis »■ Land* l«b«B 
der Apoth.k.;!, "ZuBi ..lahorn-, d* Varna ua K^inm rm » 

.out,. aro«.«a.a ba».3a ia Pra, dr,i iau«,r und Jahr.Ia»«^h^t. 
.1, ax., ,ig«, ^,uipa,,. in d.r «x, .u. i:ore. 1- .auiM^t.n fiite. 
uan. Ut.rn .oUnt.n .uar.t in d .r .,ihn.t.«tr«.. und u>,«.l.d.Xt- 
dann apater in dns H-a. .Mtatadt.r "in^ 31. P.p. .rrlcht.f «»- 
.chli.»..nd .« CI. Vpothalc. ,in. .cif.nf.brlk 1- alt«t«iaich.n 
gr....n Hof ... H,u3e.. ,r T.r^tand «b.r nlcht rl.l dar... T.rl., 
ein. Hen.. ^.1- u«d .o «u.«te "Jr.cam^a .ucb Ihr.r .w,it«i Toc.lt« 
noch«,i. .1. . It^ft aurxahlen. M. .poth.k.r b.iribrt. .1<A «a. 
Vater abir ..hr 3ut und di. A;)otli.k« «urd« .in« d.r b«st.n ^rmtrnj, ^ 



- 25 . 

31. .« 1. Bl.<,««,i„.til .U l?.h.,onl.db,ln ,ua,e.t.tft. -Ut .laer 
.i*.uartU.„ uhr. dl. Ihr Zirf,rnbl.tt 1. .-aWcr.l. ««eora«,t hatt. 
«Bd etatt d,r Z,lg„ -ar eln. ^.^^Ann. 3chl.n.T«. Im Mu.,u. d.r 
ntadt -rag a- l^.n. -X.piatz .ar ,ln. ,anx, Apoth.k«elnrlchtung au. 
d«n «ltflalt.r «lt ^«« .l«,n,rtls,n alchamlatl.chw .erufa und 
gro.«.„ iinh«rn.rn. Di,.. ,vp.th,ic. war fruh.r .1. Elnrlchtung 1„ un 

Stad. s«ch«nlct. Dna H.ua. Me,a .uch aea,.ge„ .-Zum :iln.orn-. well 
elch 1. vittelnlt.r ,1« ai^«n«rtlg,r Vorf.U uort abg.B.ieU »^tt.. 
Dl. Tocht,r des daBall,,« B,«lt, r. fi.l .u. a.m Veneter auf al„, 
.ufalil Torb.Is,h,nd. ncb^m rd. and brach a,n idda* aln Horn ab um 
bUab ,uf ,!,„ ran, .« L,b«u. ii.beu unaar- Ballcon war .in R^ll.f 
angebrmcht, das ©In Kind in Jr«tchitnt^-^h* ^ -. . i 
Schnf cilt ein-B !forn. Kin. Insrh^-lft «n«..hit 4 
?r'^nx Kafka ^efl«l daa '-.oas ni.^«i-;/t« <. ti 
Hol«jltt(ir» er aagte eiiuaal: Vsei^n aan eln Bolrh— c *4 
Blgen naant, mua. das .^.n^ I,eben davon b.alnfiusst cardan. 

Andar. Kin.otu.er dlaa,. u,„3„ i,„,t^„ ,^^,^^^ ^^^^^^ ^^ ^^^ 
elnar d.r Baalt.ar s„wung,n. da. SchaflC* zu aeateijea. uad mit li- 
.«..«*aB *urde d-,»ni.. .acta d«« drelaalgj.hri.... Krlag die ,.n.. 
Uchactxlach. I.t.Ulgen. «nd ihr A.,1 auf a. Utut.dt.r Ring „r d« 
Rathau. gakdpft. Da, Kau. hatte rl,aenh,ft« >C,il.^ u.d bei eia.r 

R.paratur faod «ai. .in, unt.rirdi.cb, Ualle. di. m^ln -ruder an eia, 
theoaophiach. >.,U.chaft T.r-let.te, dl. dies. H,Xi. i„ «i„, ^i^h. 
umwandeit., V.n fa«d noch elne uraXt. Luftung dl..ar Hall., .o da.. 
.1. frl.ch. Luft bekon^en konnten. 51n rjang fuhrt. bl. wr Th.in- 
klrch.. In dieae. altertfilchw Hau.. In d.n wilarti^en El, 
• ehufw slch main. KUarn .In .chon.a .',!■. sie hatten ,r^o... 



«.(> 



r^t^ 



^e8«il9Clyift«nf Koetambilla warden nbgehnit«n and ieb«i.da Blld«r J*- 
• t«llt. "an fahrta Jottha* 8 Xaskanftaga auf, die ar In rtfich<*r Auawahl 
far dia Weliaarer 39B«ilach«ft iaachrlwb^n Uatt«« '^a. t« Ida und Kaam 
aowla viaia ?reai.da daa Hauaaa bat«iXi.;t«n »ich aicht«rxach uud T«rfaa»- 
t^i "haat«rstacka» dla dnriO van der i^ae Xachaft aufgafuhrt wurdatt^ 
Bia l-ibenden "Wilder wnrtti. ffl-?i8t9n» humorlsticctu So eri -aera Ich «lcb 
fin ein l^bend^B Biid# i^u .iero una laandor carat -all^jn aoilta. l;la 
Hero »5t0s ^^uf ^xu^m i.^zimu im griechischan ^ewnud and lander biondar 
er-ckat iu der Hand «ina brafuieuaa t ^t%9. D#r Lif^ader 1 g auf daA 
Bauch -uf .*ine« r>eG8al •sbenf'ila In jriachiach^r -^racht, blickta »tt Ihr 
auf nit T«r^w«iftslten JeaichtsauadrucV, S-hwiEmb^wairungen auafahraad. 
Ich eri..nera mich noch ^n T-^on und UMt aU " nael ^nd ^retel verklel- 
det und ien Kinderr^ira ^us Humperdinck' o 3pur sing^iidt "laiJi^l bint 
eiuaiai her, riuguaerua dno iit nicht schw^r*. Und ich ^rian^ra mich 
«B Mliien Vater ala Cyr^nno i« "^erierac -nit elner uniiehuuran ba«uchta- 
ten rase und m Ane ''utter -U -c^mr^nm, wle ala ih«, d«r Ihr e^t seinan 
■y^ntm ujiiufhorlich e^ina Mebe er<i.rt^, etu^ai und ^ana Imisnum dan 
Kopf achuttelnd dan ^.uck^n kehrt«. I)la ietata aerartiia iu^ti^a Veran- 
stnltung hnbe Ich schon ^le Braut mitgetnacht. 

^er nhllOBOoiiiacha Kreia» tian ich noch ^pater achiidorn wtraat t^ 
Wiatriitete fur SylTester ana -heaterauffuhrung. l^as Glack ^raa Toa 
Uichter '^'r^ini K«fka ^eachriab^n, i&uaai!i:r.en «it aantim damala beat«l 
Traund, de« Kun.thl itoriker Oakar Poilak. i*a wur elne V^ruikung dar 
BrantnnophllOB^phia. !>!• TlauptrUla .pielta Oaknr PoU^ik und »war dl« 
liolla daa ^>Iter ron 3toliin«* Dleaar phlI06ophlach-dlclit«riach« Krals 
wnr aber achon «o»u«agen dla awalta Stufa dar Kntwickluiig .alner HUttar 
Dla erste ^tufe w»»r dia Ton mlr b«raita gwchlXdarta laa«il«chaft, iU 
slch -^uf dam n^utachUbernlan -rag aufbaut*. Dlf Judan havtaa dMmU 






. 27 - 



1r«lne Ahnuqs asTont dass man Ihr ochtes I;eut8chtuB ^ixjanl answelfelo 
kdnnte und T«rlr#hrten ait ihren chrlBtllchsn 2Ciiinatloiiai«n auf das 
herzllchst«* I>«r rittel!^ui.)ct der dimall^en deutschan O^siischaft war 
das Deutsche Kaaltio im iraberif wo sich aas £;e8<i4.i»chaf t iicas i.ebsn zlub 
grossten T»il «^b8plclt«» l^«ln Vat«r v«rbracht« aen ;'^chmltt3^ ia 
LeBezimCier* Vortrti« warden dort ver^'iitit^ Itet und anter Huaeren aprach 
auch dort Theoaor ^.rzl una lobte jroaaca I^rst^unen -ue. Ii* at*m rel- 
zoiiden Hokolcosaal rurlan r.oBturaUaile Ternii^taitt^tt fur die zu K'^uas 
wochenlnng Vorbereitun^cin jetroffen Aruruan. liii.es d«r ivortume c^efiel 
Elr {^nnx b«yoiider.)# j-b war aie I>ur8tciiung eii.er '-'eria. ^ima a!»tta 
ttin :>erifarbit;«a ocrileiarko^^tum an und trU|{ BO/in^nscrurruartig zu^aa- 
menklappbar eina Vuechelform r.it oich herum. :jii4 aiiaerea i^oatum fat- 
ten dia '^chwastern in ril» Egypt iecha ^rii*z«fcsi:^<jn una z^.jen hint«r 
sirh -ine ?r#»»« lajerfi ..-ur lalt Pfnuenwedei, Malaa ITutter und lueina 
T^nta waren nis g-ii^tvoile ^r^uaa o^icunt und waren a«iir ehrg^izif^ 
Unter ihr«n manulicnan ^artii*jrn vareii viela 3^hrif tst ill er $ dia la 
jewbhniichan l«u'b«n i\«chtanLnw ^itf » •v^^'Zta uaw. jrnren. ISlner yon ifmon* 
Dr.Bondlf war ^In rerbiso^ner J'lnj^geEallat der linmer beanuatsta* dass 
ihm ktfina ?rau Inponiaren kdi.ne. Ifuiiia "utter und m-inc "ni.te nahman 
sich vor» ib« einen ''>treich zu spielan. Sia bra ht^n iiin d-^zu, auf 
eine Zal tun^a^UiOonca mlt der Ciiiffra "Herilla^t ^inar damaia baruhmtan 
3i'.#armpld f zu nntwort<»n. Und «» entwickelta sich ain Priefwacheelf dar 
durch zwel J-^hro "nhielt. Der reriiebta Doktor ^ondi las dia in uai- 
nen lagan ^o herrli<»han ^riefe la Kasino s inan Fr'jundan vor und mein 
Vatar kaa nach H'^ueet ziti'jrta of tar 3Uza «ub dlasan Bri^fen and aa^^ta 
dann meiner "utteri "Dna iet eln Wrjibt so at was wurdest Du i^icht su 
•tanda brinfjen.* ilach \blauf des zwel tan JF»hrap» als das Dr^in.ien das 
Tarliabtan Dr. ^ anal schon an stark gawordan war und iia g^tnza ^ra:xar 



^(T 






- 28 • 



aaselXschnft iierilla bar its zitlertat wattetan dia zwai ?rauan alt 
Djictor ^ondi» in ^iner g'-oaaen }e«elischaf t» dnee sia imatanda sain 
mr<3an» iha lia trosttte Uebarras??hun : seines Lebens zu T«rsehaffan« 
i^oktor Bondl lachelte hdhj»iach und sa^zta *in«n harrlichau Diamantring 
ein. Mo beiden /r^uan sa^tt^n d^iOif a-^ss t:ia i^ia noch in aiesar Stunda 
iseriila voratsilan rurdan una klarten dia Sacha «uf. DoKtor Bumil war 
so betrjffen* diss er vor Schrack itr-inic •.urua. Kn^igw Jatire war dia 
Trtrunaschaft ..wiscnan ina una uan ^ hwrctarn /jeatdrtf ab-sr er iilxaD 
Jvin ' ^esaiia und wrr unnn si^^iter noch 2lna b^iciijit^j wrschcinung» kiclB 
und alck ale Bac'iaittjr das Xan^jent mnjern Hujo Jalus. Ktban liu^o 
Salus wirkte r.uch "rladrich '.dl^jr 'via I-ichter in dieaem ilreis. Rilka'i 
2ltern waren zw«r in '^^ag und Hilkes Vatar mit harrlichaii blau><an 
Vugen und eiuea .pitibart war eine bsk-Uiiite ^.rs'^hai' unj auf dea T»rajj«r 
Grabei.korao, ^^ber Rilka a ilbst t-at nicht hervor. Verfel hnt oeina 
ersten dichterisc^an jilndrucka von cieeen Lichteru erh'^lten. Da m^sina 
vit-rn eine ?heat;srlod;« ftbonai^rt hatttjn und a-oasmu^tar Kallle und 
iroasyiter Mbert im ^a -terre aboimi^rt w^iren, hatte 14i ala Kind oft 
3-legei.haitf die dautscha J-fsellschaft zu b«obachtan. 3 .hr intvjras»isr- 
ta tnich in einjr ^ertarreloga dar ^^eiharr ron L^irjasi der aussah wis 
ein ZwilUii^sbruaer ron \ciolf yon Yanil, se r kleln, mlt elnai^Kalaar 
?r-^nx JJsafs-Bart. ..s hiess. dass saina ?lrma dia S^nz. •.oldauacUlf- 
fahrt beherr.chta. i.r war «ln -roaser Kan.tsiJiien. aan sagta ron ibsip 
dass er k-.ina badeutendara \uffah-un.; Tarsauata. Dia I-oga glalcli 
naben dar Buhna war dia 1 iraktionBloge. 'O .\ng^lo Keuaann alt .alnar 
?rau. der Gch-iunpialerin Busks und dea Tbaatarkrltlkar Tawalss sass. 
Vaina Gutter und aalna '^^nta rarsaumten kaina '^sgnarauf fuhrung und 
auch dia baruhmtan V.if astspiala, dl# rlalt Baral-thaltan Tarelntan. 



wurdan basucht. So sah man So..nanthal. Kaln. und cm Koaponistaa 

~0 



-%'>>' 



. 29 - 



Aueh di« bilcLe^don Kunste splolten elne «;ro8ee Kolle la L«b«n 
dleser auf reln«]2 ICunet- und L bonsgenuss olngestallten 3anerntion. 
Au88t9ilungen wurdan b«8ucht und (tin jahrlicher \U8flU(:; nach Munch«n 
zu Jla«pal(i»t»u«8tellungeii war Pfllcht, He Gehwester meiner Tuttart 
veXbst Vfxl»rin9 gjrundete wit ••liilgeri ^indern Kanetieri nen den Klub 
deutscher Kanstlerlinen^ d«r elner8t?it8 ^In Fitti2lpun)ct des Icunstl*- 
ri8ch#n und cJeiatljon "'rag8 wurdtt und iad«rer8t5it8 durch .^richtung 
einer unentgeltilchtn .'Ittags- und Xbondlcach* fur oiltteilose K^nsti^r 
^rosaen r>«g9n brmclite. Zwiaciiendurch wurden grosee ^ ;isen unt^rnoaitten 
und illes \ufgenoMin«nt rurdc zu ^/"ortrA^tfn Tarwendett die meiae *-'utt9r 
und m^iiie "^X4te im Verein :^r«»uenfort8chrl tt hlelt*jn« iJiea^r Vereln 
wurdt von 7r^u "!y^hnoMf8ky una ?rof«88or '^'internit* ^©^jrana^jt zur Propa- 
tjierun^j acr ?' rau en em * nzl p ?% t io ti na ▼^rmitteit© aurch die Isiniadung be- 
deateitder Persdnii hkei t^in in rejes ^aiati.^as ...^jben. K^xiaa. xileit dort 
Tielt vortrige und war iiLic-r 8ear '^^uf jere^jt. Leider .^abe ich auf ai eso 
Aufre^^ung sehr wenig ^.acksicht :;c;no::3ien und knm boinahe Jeaes ^ai 7oa 
Xlalaufen su '^p!i.tf ale \ufre;;un^ inaii^vr flutter vermeUrend. }:,iiimal be- 
gaiin sie so ;ar eine Viertel&tunde HpHter» aa aich ihre I^uttergefuhle 
nicht unterdrucken liensen. I. ire Vortrliga wnren inm^r a hr betucht 
und es wArd Tlellel?iit interoerierenf daea die chriotliciie Zuhorer- 
eclxaft w-rit jrdseer ^-^.r rIb aie ju<:i8che« I>ie Juaiunjn der d-^na li^en 
Zeit war^n fur ernste ^ra^^en nur in eelteiien ?ailen int-reesiert. her 
Verkehr mein r Wuttar war d^her mel8t«9n» christllch und durch das Vler- 
hIndig8plel8B war pie mlt elnlgen ^auen der boeten ?^rl8chcn J>5aell- 
8ch«ft befreundet. Sine dleser bestan ^«undinneii» die "^attin ein-e 
Irosnindu tri«ll#n und ^«rf»-nfabrik"ntftn» I'arie ^oec'.olf frajte ble 
einat^li •?«?rthm» wlr Bind doch so cjute Treundlnnen, saje mir gnu* auf- 



:?o' 



. 50 - 

u ni- Judeu zxx Tesonch ChristenblutI ! • 
^ 4«, v^T-tf-iueni Brauchen aie Juaen »u 

3uroh dU .,V.nnt.cV«ft .it di"«r cu l.tUch*. 

1 im Jre«eo»Atz «u aluer rem 

,.„H -ie Blch B^nOwnl .lurch antl»9«ltl.oh« 
. . t die alch U««r -i«i.r hnupt»achUch an der 
. H.n UnWer-lt.t and Tec^i^ ,.«P-U,n und den vielen Judl.cu« 

Balis 7«nt(» Ida rr-""" » nfM- 

.leU,n K»^t... -u ^d .,r .It d,r t ^^^ ^^^^^^ 

.,,e„Un .nd aMe.en no...at..U.n ^^^^'^^^ ^^^^^^,,^^,^^., 

,ehllee»ilc»» "«" -"^'""^ '^ ,,,<„>,., -tdUuntf or«»iil- 

IB 7,u»^T>n,uh«n3 alt (llas-'r , ^^^^^ 

sl.rt. si. . u.T „till8ch*<..l3end .jewahrt. 

ltanotI«rlBCU.i^ ,UT«au. -^"O 

v,.rt m'Btlleh n)>i-«ihit '"'•''«• ^" *^ 
d^8. di. ^i^^^-'i ^^„ .,„ ^hrlBt- 

,.* 1 Juaen taXi.'*>«e«n und lueh ol«»8 *"^<i'' 

•" -""' --» „. .„„„«„ „„. ..» ...<" "-"•■ , 

..„ a„ ...• -.. - -•'" ;; ^,^ „„^„. ,, «... .>. ...... 

-aoetheabeud- und .,,,5nllch)c.iten nu. d.r ^.Imarar 

uo':8B8U«cn.ft und .u. .8. ^, ^^ . ^ 

^ Hi-a*r 'i-ueott durch sin Hjnu«»' 

,4 ,» 7-it. die lerren unren ^ii.* i , 



r 



Z 




• 31 - 

wkir die»« ir^u t^t^tf ieh oo It mleh sua Ballot nelaent ich hatto bt* 
•ond^rts 7al«nt* Unter dsn ehristllch«D Herr«n waren ?e«iat« der 
D utsch^n Spai4c%8««, <}in# Kochburg d«* litutsehtiutst und eojar aiii 
J un^ifr ?ur8t ron ^niieBsttln war aiiwctsand* Und frahr«nd wir taiutaiif 
•agte Ich lluif ich ware gnnm ber'^uacht Ton a«« iod<)nk<fn» mlt einaa 
£achkO!mnen doe rcitaelaaft«a ^ailvnoteln zu tnn-^an* ^orauf clr d«r jua^a 
Vi^nn ^anx trocktn "^ntirortetat •Von ein^r RatB^lhaf iit;5c:m ist in un- 
8er«r ?«\inllla nlchtu btfkaaxit*. £^t war «in jutttr Jeii'^rii ut*d ich bin 
8toiz» La tiiant Gr.L^rtjeatat a«a rwaisera zu a^in," iiacadem er auf 
aiesa ^itlsa gnr uicat '>af mein Ja prkch ain^ingy war ich ai^ ttaaacat 
und ($ab meinaoi ii'iupttanzart der imoiar ^uf luieh wartet^t «*in Zaichaii» 
mich abzuhal«B# So rerabacniadata ich Siich YOn dieaam ^riabuist von 
dam ich co yiaX erwartat hatta. ^iner TOn aan B^aicten der Bank war 
ein irOHBert achon^^jbaut er Mi^^iit d^r aich aia Joetha vtirki«id«ta und 
in 8eixit;r J^faeiiachaft zo^^n mil iha nn dar Spltza alle baknnntan 
Llaben iOathas <fin« M^ina Mutter wnr aia ?rau ^at Ooatha dekleidatt 
Hu ;o B^r^^'vr.n ala ^a^^art und ich hatte zwai iCoetuoia an dieaam Abenat 
elnea nla Venuattiin erin» und ein zweltas ala Liebe in ainaa ^aakanzug 
Goethea. Kin nxidarer \bend war ein Soltzwegaband* und ein andarar 
wiad«fruB hatta ?rauz Hnla ala Fotto* Zun 3oathaaband aracfiianan lUz 
Brod und Franz Kafka ^Is Bipiom^ten mix ^rack und Spitz an jabaauund 
Bruatbindarnt Max Brod »^it grune«» ?ranji Kafka mlt rot an Band* | 

Lan^a^B bareitata sich eina Vei^nderuag ia Leban main r tfuttar | 
Tor, Eina tlefa Ta Tiarrerahrung erwackta in Ihr ■yatiacha und rail- 
^Idat Srlabnis^se und aia wurd« aina f<^natia^h« Kletsschamneriii. Daa 



i 



tagllcha :5aapraeh war bahe-raeht Ton Auaapruchin Kiatzachas und 



-'^%- 



-.52 - 

¥«3n«rs. iSlr KAad«r bakam.n «in« »orf«naunt« fr«l« Sr»l«huns, dl« una 
Bpater ««iir Bch«d«t«, da tlr hcUlo. wiren. la moiu^r ?r«1U« wc 
die Jutllsch. rradltion sebon ••it d«« Ur^roBSTater TsrschwundtB. 
Wein Vater int r.SBiert. slch Bpoltll f^r Moha««dftni«Bu. und •■ 
koatat. meln«r Mutter t1«1 '.rbalt. Ihn doron i»b«ubrinet«u, Wim I»l«" 
A^t.rzutrst^n. :-.r "f b««innu3Bt ron d^n Cehrift*.. de« Rascnld B«y. 
«lr.,3 dautBchBf. 3-h-lft«teiltr», der d.n IsX-ua In i^oU* bracbt*. 
Sp-itcr HiJrtc leh ..och ub^r dleo«n ^- nn von Tau -Ator 3ubtr, dl« 
al> ridcien SeVr.ti'-ln bfi lh« wnr. l!«ch cii»B«r NUtBchtpsrlod. 
Urnte 'tir.e (ten Dosant^n -*3tU ke.ui m. d.r Ihr und 'aiit, phllo.*- 
,hi.ch. :t.^<l«n j^b. Auf di,., *>!». -urde Ibr J-lst d.r PhllOBOphl, 
.U^Bfuhrt. aU wurdB .InB riaB.igB .lerBrin. :-atBrnl'jtin an d«r Unl- 
v.r.ltit, and -urde dl. Schul .rln ^rofe.Bor Uartys. n. i«it« ail* 
Prafung^n rs^ ,^ni ,rob«rt« Blch zu:Ulch ai. rreundschaft dlB.BS 
BdUn ",rn.r. PL BrTtanopni lonopHle and d«,n .insteiUni «1 dBB 
Teltp-obl^.n und r.« Ln abri^jen phllo.opiU,ch.i. 3y.t.m*n «x d. in 
a.r -iv«twohnun,j ron .Tor^saor i:.rty aifrii di.lcutlert. di. .In* 
K«iU3tu« -l.ieh^-chat* *urd, und In d,. philosochx.ch*. Kr,!.. 
der d,n r.nen LourrBZlT »ca ,*lBlt. n.«h d*n Caf5 '.ouTr., in d«B « 
ei.H rer.«n«,U.. Dl.-»« KrelB .e^orfn « dl . T>o.Bnt,n Ka.tll uod 
^.ennayer. nuch -^rofeBsor ...r-nfBlB. dar .ochlnfr....nt, uo* ori- 
.i..il, ;...n,ol dB. kuhi lo.i.ch .,nkBn,..aPr-af..or «arty. .pat« 
a-ch vrof..l...t,in. *x.*«i»»«*.f trat fur VlBlw.ibBr.i .i». - 
^.op. .on d.r ,.Ibon a.fnbr « r.tten. Kr war .ueh Dlcht.r un* 
Ko«po.iBt u- -in Sch.u.pi.I .on i« wurd. in Pra. auffuhrt. d- 

T V. 1^ v»«tt. T-ine eenr Interateanta Arbeit Ton Vm war 

m atlachan Iiih«iU h^tte. r.ine ae ir 

ni^v,«-H Maimer ••Ina HauptBOtlTa ▼« ?ali« 
eina Daratelluns. d^sa ^^f'^^^'^^^^l^^ Uarty. ~ ei^obara 
« aich dia Tei^iuiiiii* « ^emin^ 



/"UM 






SV 



:.xt;rit^- 



*■■ ■ M 



. 33 - 

Mendelssohn «ntnon«i«B hattet und dles«r erste Kisl halts gsniu so 

gshandsit, wle alls selns ^achfolger in Tauiiend ahri^en R«lch. iir 

schrisb ja bsk'^nctlich oln Bu-h, dao dsn Ju.ei. Jsds niu s ileal is chs Bs- 

gabung pibspMcht ^bei- seine KnuotaotiTe stahl er dem j^nlcel von 1/oses 

Mendelsohn. ?r^ih-rr Chrlbtl^.n von \*?hr-nfels war ein t-otblondert 

bl-.u'iugl/?e^ ^l<»ss und 8eln« Kinder und s-ins '^r^u ^nr-n helinionds 

\rl-r. Tro-X(i#m ^Inuhe Irh, d-^as •r ir^^endwie von Juden »ibHt^Biiate. 

Br w'^r nlB KonlcuT -iit von ^^ofescor i^arty und dur<*h &»lne ^^i^idnarti- 

fen Ifleen et^»nB ini'ifltrr.uiech itt^a^n philosonhisc^iexi /.raio aafgeao .m*l# 

lun«^rde« /?^h6rte .ieu^m ICrelse -^n der Di-htar »i . 'Jtilz, nHcnmaJs 

d«r 

UniT*%rRlt^tso'-'>f«»^ ^r in ''OG'ok and '^«il9 fur \e8tu-tik, ttt l^uiitjs- 
anhiehtl-^r Cak-ir ^ollnk, d -r '.linQ -rundUjei^ue \rb^it ab^r usu BarJck- 
bildh'-iu^r P-okoff o-nri«b» deasen T^rke Klrchen -*ua ais Stei.ii;}rns 
Brar^ke in Prag schraucken, ^«ui Mriinn» d-r Ueb^rsetzer rm^^zooiocher 
I.ite?atUT» ^-Jfosoor Oskar Kraust Schuier lartys una apater seln Kach- 
f}Vr^rf und ^iiii^e exjtiscUe Chrlstei., ^le eia ^aron -.auueriy und sin 
HauiiOT^rnner, der 3i>it?r in < sn Pnmpf^s Mn^rikas at^ro, Kujo l^ere^aiiH, 
Max ^rod. ^-jUx ^eltorii, ''ranii Kafka, ri^aiu Brua«r v. to ^nnta» Robert 
Vsltsch und i»och ^iine T-; :jihs ^un^ier licUt^r. darunttjr .-vnaz "erf el. 
Dieaer ^'r#ie *ar Strang ortUodox breut-ini ctlsch un«. es k^m au eiuen 
Sk^ndnl, mIb Var Brod einmil -ine HoTiHe ub*r Ifben krcifi schriab 
und Bis in din*?m, ho-ribile ^ictu, -itz')latt ^rscUanen iifas. Xmn 
TS'-urtellte inn d'-zu, dass tr i.icht mahr eing'-*Iauen sur^^a una ss snt- 
fltand '.ins Spal^ung der 'itgli-<ler. Dies-r \bgrund wurde absr spater 
wilder a)erbra'?lct. riina ^fsucherln 'ieses Kr^ises m^r auch eins Dich- 
t^rlnt D«mens Ubl««j, -ins Judin auts dea ::;udstenland» 4is Ton dsa 
df»malis:en "^^ofes^or fur deutschs Lit«»rstur» 3au-r# hoch^esch&tst und 
mit iviroa ^ublik^aonm -.If^ deutachs ichriftst^Uarln in sainer Zslt- 



- 34 • 

schrift -^ngepri^sen wurde. Das war dacials aSglleh. 

Jro B-^-ia Smilis k'lufts eine Villa in Bodbabat nicht w^it Ton 
Bubentsch # und s^henkte Hie inr^a beiden Tttcntern, I^as ?rahjahr und 
elnen T^il ass Souiaers rerbrac^iten wir da* ^as Haus st^uaats Ton der 
Pamiiie Zaeknuer* ainar jetiuftttn jadischsn Kotab^^lnf tnilis. Der tar- 
tan una aaa ^.ti agenhaua ./-^ren a:i t Kopiei. nach gri ecu! echen statu en 
S^BCluBuclct. ■"tr.'? i*btt icn besondere* sie hi ess "Der Jangling" und 
st'llte 'ir tn floteo ^ielenden larten Cf^r* :.iese ::ix*arucke des im 
T^ieasraai er.' ti I ^s^'^ut-an il^Ubes «ar«n bel ir sehr st^rk una eo ksB es| 
dass .^ie riedtrra^i vrEeit bo r«cht i^as r.'ira«.i«B mei^. er Seale ie'orasn 
let. Lie BCh..cen Tlpazi. r^^^ncje durch ^\ia .r» '^ idchei and durcii ais 
sog^nnnnte 'lies fcharket d-ir scUuntten Oegtind bai '^ragt una T.ootfahr- 
t.«u und ?a len in r.^r ^'oid-.u w^j^cUeeit jn nh ..it :|rojiien } .?8«ilBChaften 



una ?ami ll^-nzuB JBSsnkanf ten und i^artenpnrti **. V^\n :in^ oft 2U 7uss 
uach '^-ng* - durch a«n r. um^^.-ten una durch 7ro^ai den '^arkt aesssn 
scaci«9 Statuen cuu d ^r ^ait Uaria Tnereeias otnL.iaten« Z)i^Q9 3tatuen 
siud in al« -unrjtgeBC?nicht« uber j^gaiij^n, r>is -'^lailie widmett sich 
auch cltjm "^ad.^po-t md a'^n nacata jrouue '.uBflaija in die m^ie )ung« X)is 
BcLd-^r hat ten Jedes einen Umn^m Co hl-das aas '".ad m.-in^is Vat«re "Atlas 
d?r TTijanme^f «ein:;r Tants ?aa hiyaa ''Jrane a^fr H«an«r" und m in Had 
hleuB "iro^li A^r ^roech", ^ine kjmiecae I^pi.ods vi od^rh^lte sich bsl 
diiuen Ausfluj^n rsgelra^bsig* Ysnn w^r im Ochweifise unseres ^■f^" 
/aijesi^hts unsere Hid 'r nuf dis i'uhs eii^es B rgee goschob^n hatten» 
w^ij«rte siich meln Vater# noch hdh»jr zu titeijent d r in der Hoehsbsn« 
.feit ^rzuf hr-Uf .^ond *rn raate fur jewdhnlich dis nachtte ''itrasss 
bergab. P-ia nachaten wirthaus wartete er dann in d r *!offnuagt wir 
wurdsn uort varbeikonzmen* Vanchnnl jeschnh das aucht ab'fr A^chSULl 
missteu wir dem Keffen der Tant^t den nachmaligen Birektor Otts Trsimd 
der /nloah'iik und -> Uerersten K;irtyrer der '^rager Juaenh««it naeh 



-hf' 



- 35 - 



I 



■araeh Ton Hltltrt absend«n» \m Ihn nach olndtt gtnosBenvn jlas Biar 

M«der auf dA8 Had lu Ttrfracht»n, Jroesa R^ieen untarbrachan die 89 

SoBMerldyila. Veln^ Mutter ujid m«ine Tanto org^nlulerten elna 

g'*OB88U ige ^ohltatl^kelt in dem kloln«ii Viilecort Bodbaba* Aite 

^T'^uen vnirden y^rnorj^tf Indem m- n fur el* bit aer Jemeinde um Unter- 

h«lteb*ltr Age ansuchtat and iLrin* I/utter und meine '^si^ta gab«n aeiost 

«iU0 algenan Kltt-jln ylal Geld. Lt-r gnnxa Ort dtid^ivte peine 3teilung 

zur Ju(lenf''«i.'?e« Ale meine ?rmili9 die Villa ub'»ri.'iBBf war ein unror- 

Bt fllb«irer ^ntie-miiienauB in cer Bevdikjrunt? verbr-lt-t« Venn wlr 

una nur ^'uf der Strneea zai rtynp ri^f r:in ung S^^Uranfn'ynen nach and 

nelr* /roHpynt ^r \Ib.*rt iiess es sich nlcht n«}hinen» den Ijchreiern 

nnchzul'^uf ^n und ^^le zu vorprvAgeln, Klne achone ;>zexie l^t mir aus 

dles'^r I'elt In iji^iuii'^runtj jebll^bon: Ich nnr der beeoiid^re i-iebling 

von 3^088Tater Mberti well ^iederwUfi m^lne l^utt-r 8*»lne Llebiinga- 

t^ehter Wirt und er nniim xich oft cdt ^uf selria Sonzldriiuiga, Geradt 

wnr *ina eolche JacJd »«af /jitiatiiiii ten beer^a.t und die u'ebeitater 

hat ten iire tuehtij^© Tracht Prujel erhaiten. I^.r Jroaavater nahm 

ml'?h bel d ^r Hnnd und wir .lu^ru uber die Icurza 5rurke bel der 

kl^lnen '•unden r^pelle. In dem unter der Brucke riitjogei.den Baoh 

arhwamm eln '^npl^raack^ auo clea iCatieanliuen ertoate. Ich bedauerta 

die irraen "^1 -re, dla knufi {ebor^n, s'^hon ertrinken o-»llten. l>er 

Gro3BTater anrang luf daa Jelvnair dar T^ruck^" packt e elnen groaaan 

jtork, d fr (lOT-t In (p md rett«te dao Un.:lurkBpf»ket. Knch einigar 

7eit b«50bfi'^htet-n yiv* wie ine ma' tor XI ch a Kr*e« die ^anze Jaaall* 

u nd 3 00 r t sm^iin/ 
schaft bfleckta und trdstete. Vis )9Tf9)ctf;T ^eitei^ achwang sieh 

aein CJrosBvater wleder HUf das Pracken^jel'ande^* und wir aetsten unsar 

Spasif^rgnng fort und er aa^rta: "1:1 esa Gchirelnet Juden beBChiapfaa » 

und hilfloae Knt«en ertranken» das ^iJi.nen sit#" Mit der ^^it faaata 
/^nd T-^n da aua spr'ing er eiiu ^e "^ttr ti.f an dan 3achrand, 



. 56 « 

ab-tr die BeTdlk.-rung gr^PBtea v«rtr^uan 8U unaarer Ftiaiia und wana 
wir -UBUQ^ien. horten irir .ichte anderes ila -Rukulibam Hil^tpanl-. 
Oder -rukuUbrm. srilo-.tpant- (Kaaa' die Hand, jnilci ;e ?rau, .jnaditiar 
Kerr). Dia iihefr^uan kaman sich baraten in -aian ..henn^eie^onhaltan. 
Kinder, die ron ihren .;aern ejr^uaaa bahandalt urdant bracbta man 
in Anatalten unt-^r und b«ei*aete 00 ihr furchtbareB W«rty-lum. 
Schwansere V-dchant li^ ecaou .la \baicht hattdn, ^ich in U^ Uuldau 
lu werfen, wurlen bel ebamman un%«pga tracht. r»U »ie ihr Klad zur 
v^lt gebracht Imtten. \n jine oesond^re ei.^enar -iga -^Jpisoda arinnara 
ich mlch: 68 ;/fir .la aeiir achon^a V.dchan. die -Ina BeknnutecUaf t 
mlt elnim Off Izi :r VmUe, ^^ie irht ohne '^isn hli^.b. Per Vatar, 
Pin hoherer Ba-^mter. ja^ta 3le nua dem llauaa und Bie ..^rte .urch ainaa 
Zufnilt wahrend bU scnon .n der l^idau -uf und na.lnj ^nd Bioh aan 
7od jeb^n ^oilte, durch .ia. ?Tnu von dan zwel .ohltUtl^eu ^'rauan und 
in Ihrer Yerzwelflur« twm tie in .nrere Villa. I^cine Mutt.r nahm aia 
aofort ruf. .rufta mehh^r Ihre An^ebei; und dber^ab .ie ^in r llabaaaia 
und 3-hrlab dein 0-flzi r. Dieeer b.x^hlte alle Auali^ien und Ur hor- 
ten BpdLtar. i^BB er in. -..dchan geh.lratet hntte. Per bdt,e /ator 
pil:erte ebeaf Us xu d .r VlUn. ku^ata dan beiuan Frau^n der Heiha 
nach dia Hnnd. und rer.lcU.rte. daaa a.ina ^ochter. ..^.t dam ..Ind 
Val ih« ^t Auf/?.hob«n r,.ia *erde. und nla Begrundun^ ,jab .r nn. dasa 
d.8 TT.u.Taborana -^in J.nge .ei und daae ^ darub.r ub.r ;iucklich aal. 
Elna -ItUlletfarin war lia .^rau d^a 7laiachhauera aa Orta. ^ua Fratt 

r.mlXU '.u,r. und ,ln In Tr.^ ^eV^unt^r Archltokt ^l.ch.. d.r .la. 

.u.ee..ichnet or^.nlslTt uad o.r '^uf d« b.ia.n Fr.«.n T.rbr.lt.f 
.ich in d.r «-.«. lims.'^ua,, - da., wir ..It «nd br.lt sai.bt und 



,'S»»'«;'i«fc'-'""''(|'';;?-i. ■ 



- 37 • 

gttoh&tst war«n» ^o wlr mir hinkaatn. Kin Beleplel dafUr war fol- 
gtnd««t In eint^ ein9fim«n» finxlgen Hdusehin l«bte eln« alte Jart- 
ntrln, dl« allg^eln den ?uf ale K«x« U%tt« una di« bo men«ch«n»chfii 
war» dass •!« ^ein«n 'Jaasch^n su slch herein lieae. Heine I-utter und 
tneine -*inte begirt ^te ale nber YOll.r ?reuci-f talt ..rdb^eren and 
jun«rta ?:rb#i*»n, 30 vie f -ioehjiiaolkentr Zi«3«nmil?h. 

pie ^fliilie h;\tt« '^uch cln^n 7:ir.iii«nl,Tt2 gi>acl>titt '*a wlr 
«lle elni^* V'tle in d ir oche Tennis aoieltsn mS vidL 3a'jach au3 
?ro<5 kiia .iU iieeefo V^r^ruien. \u-h in der Villa seib^t rarde ^runs- 
aati'Te aesellitkeit gKpfi«3;t# Hque^oniertij, Vortr?iSver .u;,taitiiagen 
und -^in ?t4naij*j^ ^ylv iot-rarixl ia inter ^Turde ab^^jhUtca. 

Der Lieblicio^i tz 'i/in r Ifutter wir ein mal^risciies i^iudftt daa 
eintjr chrlatlicher. deuta'ih- ta^hechibcueii ?-iaiil^ jeh6-ta» i;iede 
T?q3ilile Uiif9»n.;r v.»r typi:ich al t-o-i^terreichiacli. :: r :.r^.in sin ehe- 
mali.^er Of f i^i .r and apat-T . ^ , in xCraakh^jit p insioi^i jrtt*r o<jat«r- 
relcbis'^Hflr ^e-^tit-r, die -'r'iu ^-ine rhesi^iliti'j i^raleb^rln in adell.ion 
Hausern. ^la wir ^?in« ubsrecalnkg -.rerheinuA^ una trug die ITleur 
der Ji-.ig^ria ilsabeth, in .a« utirn jtskainmte ^^onnyfrisur uud auf^j^ 
• telltc -^U^httnk-jne. Dae J«Uoft w-ir eiiie c/hemnli^e ¥dhie# 
lalt dem ma^eriocUeii "-.hlrad and ^-.Ul^mbach, und iin ;r :chcu«r. deren 
rarjh '^it h-ll.;runem 1-03 In d«r 30i»ne ^IrUiizte. Mn Ob©t;5firtt5nf der 
In Fruhjnhr ain BluteUBiior ^va-, )rat^tii «icli zu beiiien S^iten des 
Vuhlbachs aas, nn diOBen Uf^rn liia ni«d«rbu3ch^ ihrenlmit uHt 
Apfelbaumhlut nrtuft yermi2chtt.u. Line alte HoUbruck'e. be.achaen 
Kit y oa und dem znvt^a 7arn-^rnueiiliiif!r fuhrte zu dea Li ;blingsplat» 
mein'r Furta-. T)ort, uinieben von ilargeriten und bl^uen alocken^ 
bluwrnt im «".hr len ->ann>- der ITischtijifiilen, er^ab aie oich dea pUl- 
loaophlnchen "tudiura und ihr-n dicht rlachei; ^rbeit«n, th^hrend Tante 



30 - 



Id% aalte* %i>r iCliider X0({eii hoh^r xilnauf auf den Berg ola Bur 
Eurjrulnef ^o elu Teppleh ?on :}raB und Gansebluir^eben Haat bot* Dort 
fuhrten wir i£it LelilenachAft Schiller's Dranen silt Terteliten HakXea 
ciuf • In diaa^^r po«tieoUen Umgebung entetMid ain Tfijebuch meln«r 
Mutter ur.d sle ijab riich dort P.echenachnf t viber alle wichtlgen iirelg- 
nirse ihras Lubens. L«i4Ur ist tiein .^xeaplnr elne Ibachrift melnea 
Vattrat d'^r jlch die 7r«iU«it u^^imt "t5Uen# die e^lnor \naicht naeh 
an&tdat.ii; Taron» nuozui«i8a<9n and 30 li^t i&ein 2Te£^pl^r uleht TOllstlUl» 

itj. Trota.^ti uochte ich ine kurze \u«waiil liler eiufut^^jnt da ale 
Lie charr.kt^rldtiaMe .;inateilan^^ miiner Hutter zu ▼erBcrxiedensn Le» 
bei.afragen wieder^sibt* die Schlldarun-i una«#reB internen ^amlllenle* 
b::i.at die aie ^t wunderbartim Humor beiebt und vieie ^eraonen eixi^ 
fuhrtf die a -r.ia anaer illteriiiiaua in bunter K^lhe »ufauchtfin» und 
die b^ruir'exi ^rfrediAlichkeitenf wei he celner L'utter iroaae gelatige 
Krlebuiase ub-'-tuit teiten. Auch ihr Verhaltiiia su Ihrer elnjiljea 
Sch^eat^r *d.'i ii>t int »re«aant» aaa *^iii« a nweaternil *ibe aarateiltet 
die jie auiiichani u zu t>rli*3t» ihr •jl^tjii^e ao ./ertvoiiea r>^ln ausjna* 
loaciien und wich in in l>op^^iw^aen zu rer^'aideln. Ich zltlere eia 
Jei^prach mit iiirer xYeoaaln Fxnet d^r lY^unaln dea jliiaal aehr b#- 
kfxuutvn, A.eata«t.en -^o 'pmo^r^* Cle si^jte: •Manchmnl habe ich euek 
b«jlde rieal<i litfb {^elne ;}ch4eater uiid ich alnd fur unaere Bekanati» 
uiiirti-uiAi)ar» <*li*e i^rson in dar i'eiirsaiil) • da kanii loh nlelit ohne euell 
aelut iHiinciiaal de^iice ich wi«dar talt waiirer Augat an eucht da erseheiftt 
inr ode 80 h^raloa und kalt und Ich «1 ?he mlch da n fur lange Zelt 
Ton aueh ^ur-^ck. arend Ich mlt eurh vprechet achtslnt Ihr air so 

lleb und echti und d^f.n ^iedw*r dl«ie \bkiihlung." Melne Hutter gibt fiir 
dieeea Vhkuowimut dae Ich al» typiachei Freund«chaftaph&no««ii lietraelit( 
wurae '-oiu da» Ich 'luf die ron mlr TOrher erwJihnte Doapelwlrkuag al« 



• 39- 



B.i.pH ,nfuhr., fol^nd, BrkUruns, 'l.y, k-oin air ol.-n «,ch«,l 
4.r 3mpfi 4u..«an .ahr ^t ,rklar-,n. Mn, xet ,ln. »,ich. Batur, In 
Wlch P <!!• harfn Schrift„l.h« u„8«.,r Vor.lb.^rlff, tl,f ,ln-;- 
«r»ben alnd. let ,1, mlt una b,l„,«,„, d,nn wl,.he« wlr «lt <l«i 

Sch-»?»aai Uiisorer una durch r-'lnll^h.. ■'. t.^ ..i. _ 

a-rcn r laix n.s ,., hd«nit»n •yworbener /UiBchauungwi 

uber dl«a. a,.i=..„3t,,f .1, iUr n Ub.t 1« d-nn far !n,r„ Zeit b,fr,lt, 
M aacht rrraclj. Sprung., d,h<n. das ^*n,»ana i.fuhl. wirk,n wlr 
ab.r nlcM unaittabnr auf si, eln. lot ej , „l.i, 8.,x>,ct ur.d Ihrer Unw 
«.bun^ ab.r.l,s»,n. a- .a i„,t,B .l«.«r fr.m., -o^.e-un^.-n und -rUehten 
auf Ihr und ci, Ic.r* »„ ,,^a. .Icht b,,a-.af,n and y:>roteh,n 

Sine W.lt....8ohauuu« » h oeii. tttx«x* Ich n.ln« .m, «isene. dsw ,•- 

hcirt .m u=f,B.«a.,o. :.aturle6.a,chnftUche. und osycu.s.he. M.aea. 

"ur -uf )runa sachUcher :. ..tni«.. k-.m „.,.» .In. Hyoo^h.ae ,uf3teil,n. 

welchs ale 3r Inrun : .eB • altjed • nk,n, dlen,n k--nn 

bin, waeho. c.l. F.rd,k.lt hat. In Ue .r i., aca :ro,s,„ -.'elt r^dnnkan. 



' "Ir-i.nrnl 



pun te entf.rnt «eln. J.or rrof.Bsor l.nkt, «eln, Vu^.erknn^.l t ..uf 
dl« ^at dtr Uom«. he^#s, dm«n ^^cits cles -r At^me ins -^U fur 
»lch int, ..It Zo:.a^n und -ianef n, l..r Vortra,, der mein^ s.hnsuchf 
TOilen S.h.uen in al« Ui. .rjrundUchkei t a«r i^atur eln n.^u.s 7.id ep- 
•chlo«B, ma-ht^ Trous^n Hind^u^k auf rr.lch. .In.n ahiill.hen irle eln 
tl^f nnch.apfundan.0 /u Ik.iuck. D,r n.mzug dea j.waitljan : .aaln. 
drlnst in die aufn.hnie fiU^a Si .^elae.le. A» Ab^nd spielt* ich ainig, 
Ch.pin.^ha Pr.Xuciitn, .lurch w^lrh^ ich ui a ho.hg^Ummte npaiinun^ 
••inar 3 ••!• .ai^ft auflkliugen lieo 



. 40 . 



..•••in latzter Zait baaeh^^ftigt n^ch dia naathatischa r>traitfraga 
"wfta iat Forsp #na lat Iiihait ttinaa Kunatw«rkaat* !?ind di«9 baid«n 
zwei trji^nbara* rcrsciUadana ^ajrifftff od^r oind nit untr^^nnbrrt I^n- 
hfit. Bi fial rair folgandar 3adank« aint Der InhRlt alnas Kucatwerkat 
ipt dor ^*irin nnch Mtfglichkai t (Potanzialitrt) enth-ltana iad^oka - 
die ''or^ ist der m ^ir)cllc>ik«i t ( A.ktual.itat) ubarja^jnxijena Oadaxika. 
HI *r koiam^n dia beidan \u8iciiten ein-^nuer ant^a.^an. In uuoern phi- 
loGOphischan Cafs-Louyra-Abendan h«itten wir nit Onknr ^ollftk und 
Ernst Liai4 ^hsr aiaoa ?ra^an fot^aa ebattan. 

S.Eovaaber i^Oo. Ja aiahr >.rk-i*i»tnia» d<?8to mahr Ha teal • 
!i:nda *Tars lill* Madltitionaubunjan. 16.Jfinui%r 1901. Meii^e Ht^ligiont 
Sroteus: Peta can ochopf^r alcht u'lch i^eiiBchanirt iii# doiait arni •> 
driest I)U iUii» ^r ist unfaaabar in seiner un<i$ndlichan Jrosea* 



Zwylt ne' r.ciiaffa Di r nich seinara Voroilda I^^ina el^jjua ''^Iti in dor 
die T-*S9tza D^iiiaa L 'bana harrachan* D^ittena: ?.-f;iindla ^^ulnan KttryoT 
und } 'let :ait Varnunftf auf dasa Uu jjasund l^baat auf ..rdciw 
Ti Tt^ue: VerjucUa abw-rall ScUorihait und Kunat zu fincija. ^:ann ^ 
mit Ilea Sxxuiun uuchdtt ai^t Du achon in dns Keich der r.cIidiiUei t ^a- 
drunjeu, yunftena: Ub den Armtjn von L^inam O^lde und nicut von i;ain# 
nildtin Gii^nt uad aueha uia Kaichat. "^n Jeijtf d<ia5:jie lis ^ou ihrar 
l^w^nze jebrn. 

d«?abruar 1901: J^ada klu^a T<it lohnt aicb «uf Srtfen« 
uebtrcit'laacliolia* bnd wia Irjoar wann ich elnar ^irkun^ ,£agaxi» 
ubirete^a » riia anerw5»rtat eintrittt deran Uranchen ich mlr nicht ap« 
kl'iren k«inn» aberk'^m mich eina tiefa Kelancholiat dia stets in mattar 
Glelchr-ilti'^keit endet. Ich mdchta Jada Lebenaatunda aufn^hmaudatt 
Jeiataa roll> bahar-^scht von intenolTBtaa Tuhlan *»m*)find^n« Sit soil 
mir ;ebani waa aia ^n aussaatar Helfaf 7ulla in aich hat. llioht ai^r- 



wx- 



u . 



lloh tropf«nd darf sla lhr«n Inlwit mlr schwtVao, rsia ni*89»n aall 
aua ail«» Por.B Ihr Snft, d-fl* loldselb.n dunft^nlan Harz* ^l^lih, i,r 
daa Inn.rn das Bnuno entetromt. Atm,n, tlns^ujjn ao^ht-j ich lora 
Pracht, blB alt adr lar j»»M98 3«ln :!b3t«: dl s 'rShllcU* I'ortiaiijtuii. 
de dee .•.iitstsh.n., dl« Mltt^gsjlut dar hOphst-n Sntwlrilurn; uad dM 
Voena. alia,» »ud,8 X.«ucht«n. So oolite ieh die 7ruchta .-..in.r Ctuad 
zu *ii.tm iraiiz* fiec.1t»ii and mir Inn nuf« H*u?t setzen. B^a.-hwsrt 
ur.d i9b.u»-t yon aoich« ^nst. dem "ort- und d^r ^ernlchtun^; eit iesaa 
row -.5«b«8*^icM ^eh.a, h.lsst alcht a«.rb«n, .onderu b^^raben asin 
In eln»o 'l-t •(iiii<j«r. 

-°^ •^••^"» ^^' ^-•'tur in eli.,m LlabeaT^raultnls, als .-nt- 

s-hUl^rt air oft iUr« T«rbor,^«.8t«„i H.lz,. Ich fuhl, nlch lUr m«nch- 
■"1 Inul^at .,r. i.at. U.m* ich In aeoeni U«b,8r,'.us h« ihr .Igsat. 
llrhee C.ln re.ht empflna.. lUit si, r.lch 30 in x,,,^, ^.^^ ,,1^, ,.^^^^^ 
aefuhle ..ilr fr«md uad r.lcht zu air gahd^'-lg e-8ch,in»n uad i .-h fral ron 
9Ueu ^jjsan in iarir b«rulUj{^nG«n Umarmni; ach^il ts uuj aaiu unat.- 
t,a Ich m ai, T.riier.. ]>1. jroaB, Jdttin ^Ibt a, :,ir j«f,3Uit um 
llebevoH ^jatiirkt wlatiup zuraek. 

3a.i.J7,rab.p 1303. Heirlcht uber eln J.p.priich ait UrjroMButter 
ShTlnt,: ...L..b^ndl^ zUi^^n Alt.. Juinstr^rstorbexi, aurcn iuro 
8.hH..-una«n TO. «ir auo a,« i.lchts. -,11, -iie Vorf.hr.n. ale ao .ohw„ 

am Lc 



ban littsn. cl,r :>-uadton lot imcier d^raelb-: ArbUt, .,ol a« 



Leb ne. Zwel ;u8,..hn«n '.Ud,n ,ln Urnhn T,u.,,ig ..^^ j,.^^^^^ ^^ ^^ 
Streb«n nach Lrkei.ntnl. das -Ja*h-t,n.tubch«, -rhellt,,, uud mein 
0r>09vnt,r Simon -.nTel, der d«» L.b.n alB kur.weill,,^, ron.fcdU uufxu- 
fa33,n v«r»t-,nd und elch b.l d« ernst^n ntelUn nnsen.v^ ,.,hr«a. b.i 
d«n hat.»ru «ut unterh-ilttn Um.. ^r selbat 8T,l,Ue -rla rortrofr- 
lloter CUar«ict«d«r.t,UT glan.end alt, eo da., .o^.r di • Lachwlt 11. 



- 42 - 

Doch Kranx. fllcbt. ■Igtntu.llch b.eanftlgend .Irlcn dl... 3«.prieh. 

«»f mein a««ut. *% d.r 3uft der Vohi.blut. .chlSf.rn .1. dl. .rrw- 
ten icmpflndune.« .!«. !>« Hauch d« •wis.n 3t-rb.n. ItibU di. h.i..«i 
Schlaf«n, unT.rruckbar 8t.ht da. dunkl. ?ra««««lrh«i d«. Sain. un4 

T.rd.ckt alt neluer Jros.e dl. t igllrh. Kl^ln.org. d.. Leben.. 

34. ^kU cu8t li»-l. M.ln Sahvi.ea'^miLttr b.aucht. mleht ($••»«"» 
nnch funf«.hn J<»hr.3n und >« «rar, rIc ob dsr Vartret.r aln.r rr«»d« 
W.lt n«b«n >6ir »ltz«n «urd.. ir saa. In unaarem Jart e&.al»och.a, 
n-xhm ain r^ach nach u#« <ma«rn In dl. Hand. a<.un dasB .. dr«l Buohw 
.^.Den koai... ..i. ^iclchx.lti • utb«n-t«t und nuf .-In*. Tioch U.«« 
und sOTi.l 0,id kocten, war Ih. ui.b.^-rel filch. Uaua k.imwi all. dl. 
nalT-n yr«S»n. »arum ^U« eliantUch l-.rn.. *«8«r.g«n aorl.l. Butt.r- 
brat. auf«..trich.i. -arl-n, »a. »lr In Podbaba trslben, wann wlr ka». 
Miich- und AUhwirtscaaf t anben. I>««wl8cn.n .rklirend* 'art. ub.r dl. 
merk«irr.l!<. Tat.ach.. a;88 er so acUone d«fa ntinbe. 01. iiadoJi«ii, 
.el». ink.lfcmi-.B, uann... xua clu. ^iten SU,f.l »3r a«r Has. ».g und 
■.tst.a dl. aodsrn lacklertaa ror iha Uln. So mua.t. ^r in .1. hln- 
•in.chlipf.n. lifld dar J »'ua.r ab,r dl. ^rl.l« w.l.a.n Kriig.n und 
Ta8eh.ntuca.r. aia ^03an M ideh.a hatt.n di. .w.i iroa.en rot.n. dl. 
.r fur ai. ar.i lUis.^or-^i.r. mltn-,hB«» wollt-;. S»gnn .In Duti.Bd 
«el8.. T.rtau.cut. ao^.r --Ik.thandBchuh. «oUt. .r ub.r a.in. iV- 
ben abs.arb«ltatcn Bauernhand. .lahw. Tmn Ut .in J'en.oh wl. ^a 
Stuck f.U. haraaa.j'j'ra-h9«n aua Kutt.r Srd., .ich nihr.nd, wat«>. 
leb-nd ohn. Abaicht, ohn. B.«ur3tB.in ..In.r ..Ib.t. wi. ^a Bras la 
dicht.n uald ..in-ct ron Alt,r i.bro<-h.n, eo wlrd .r eln.t .t.rt^ 

ohn. ain. Le.r. xu hlnt.rlna.en. 

U.bar Lnngewalle. Ich hah. .« oft .la. 8.h.l.. Aag.t Tar lte« 
Bintr.fn uad dann. wenn ich alch unt.r Uat.rhalt«ag.l-cUr. hla*.»., 



- 4J • 
sprlelit ctmis la mirt Du darfit dloh elnaa •» niohtlgen Vtrjnujaa 
nlcht langt hlngvbw. du cusst fur dl« ?ortbHaun,i duinsB aalstcB 
BOrgen, dureh Lesen und VePBtanan nchwer bu «rf«88«nder philosoptii- 
Beh»r Oedsnksn, durch yiaderoclireibaa von Sslbatarda .it«. IcU •chrsl- 
*• dl« Un-uh« 1» -)«jale8s«n «elaer nwTttaen VsrHiUajunj su und jUcat 
«inm wlrklleh ntn-k rfrt «lokelt«n Zug ..nch V<irTolllco numni. -enn loh 
T9rt-»d«l» Oft 3'»-»ld8eaUs viai« a*und«i aaineo I-eben.. " eaa icb .ir 
«uch T0r8..,».,Uen y -mn ;. d-^.B die .i>t^,a.-n«aa,t2t«n .i^'.x.sciiaf t. 
m.lner Vorfnhren In ■ Ir «i,.«a T«rs,«lfaten Kr.mpf u» VDriiarr.ctiart 
fuhr«o und d.durch -oaae Unruh^ h«rb.ifuhr.n. oo k-,nn Ich mlr d«n 
frx,aUch.n Z«„t.fld. ci,r ^ich oft fur Un^, 2,lt ,rfuUt. ,ar Ucht 
•rklaran. Ich b.ao, a,na 1„ aolch,n Au,-,^>,Uck«-. n.luen Bchwach durch. 

B4cn ^leicb aurch jeoen irebei «^1 n 3 chu ciitjrn 

Abaad« b,i. s ..-,f,n5,b.n hatt. Ich »ln au88,rct .n^«ue.>«,» j,. 
fuhl der stiilan B,frl.cii.-ua^ In «lr. .oh^r k.™t dl .8, wohll^. a^ 
nutaetm, uach erfuilt^r -fUcht. alea, Au.«,,Uch,nh.l t. di. nach 
einer ganussrtlchtri .'Uunuc nie slnt-itt Wn^>» w i u 

di^ nicht<*rf das JeBetzburh far aim ^i.y^n-.« t? ^ 4 

lichk^it i^t una noch nicnt in /i-iocii und i^int .k 

i'x.xBca und Biut ub«rg©ifaii»j9n. iie ist 

noch nicht ▼srdaut and er««u.ct a*«h«ih ^^^ la - u 

^j»«u^i aetjuaib oft 3e»chwerQ«n und I/ruck. Un- 

er.en echon ul, ^r«ft una d.n Saft qus dlttser Eahruaj 
hnben. Wir h^ben dl, Xiube und die \rb«lt....« 



Phlloaophlscle K .rae, oowi. ,in Kara ub«r 'o.t>. - ^ ,* 
wnren in Pra^ b^ruh^t und brncht^a melnt Mutttr «dt ln« 



•r aehr Mentch« 
•n und ^ach Srkenntnls duratatM. s. 



-Vn- 



• 44 • 

war daher kola Wuadart dmss 8I9 auch iclt thoot?opiU8Ch«a Kreieta in 
Verbin(iua<i trat. Zu ^rat w^r »is dit rateelhaft© Jestalt dar ^lawatlkl 
di<* an l»fu-jfi*jrda dar Schwest^^frn arizog und Im 7,U8nain«nh«»nj^* !nl t dl^aaa 
Studian l-rnt^n oia dia ^rnu elnew h3h«n ocat'jrroicliiachen BaAintsn 
k^anen» die sie In siyatlacha Krala^Jt dl« .J:lelc^i2el tl^ chr'iatllch ^a» 
rli'iitet wnt»en» tflnfahrti*. ?m^ b tibtjn Zalt iescliifti $ten alch dia 
Cciiw ;atern ait waniaient liplri tl- tiecha n "^hafiom snan* m^ini? ""^nta Ida 
«ar Stfibot eln ot?irke© Mnuiua und *ir hatt^n bei dleaer iel^^^^cliait 
5#ir iateresaante ^ri^fbaldan, Eln schw^rar '^i»ch» «>in ^uazichtlaoh 



j t 



uei«dntaorochand achwarttr ^i»iage» ar i?rlxob sich und r'lo^ iro a aiJIi 



jlnda diis *il:uaerti zu« anderni *o jr iiicii ffierkmiruig lautlos nl tidaraittata 

"It t;iltaa aerit^i§ scaiOBzen #ittaor uia K9tt«( vo^nuf er uich aaatiadig 

und Sddi«jaruUij wi*jd^r -in a^inaa iAi^ ?atanaateB ^l»^t« otelltt. Ma dar 

liichtir I'ayrinck b«i «iii ^r B^kni4»tan mlt neiaer 'Gutter Tjua^^ffijatrs^t 

flog elua ^i«iid'?rbur9ta uurch d^s "fiua Fanater hwrauat durcfi daa aadara 

herjia. ^Uu vor JCU'-zer Z-»lt VitrBtOfb^a^r Bakiontjrt ela Srhiffon. ait» 

dcr .uf utfOi ieara jestorbeu *'.'irf m^^^fldtsta sicii uad bat» m*»n mcchte ceiiup 

ea /uigeiiori.ii«a aas Datuai sii^ae Todsu nittvilaa* daa aifsen unbakaiiat 

w:ir» da aar Y^tisrt «in f-omra-r Judet «» pchmarzlich t-mof^ndt dia Jahr- 

Z2it a^iiiN#a 3j:iaaa nirht zu ▼ircen, ^la aEcJiste rtufa 4er Katwlcklung 

kna d^a wtuulam der '^a8*\at-'"h«0 30')hia» ao^fie der iaaiachan Weij^heita- 

lehrjr*. ^11 uiaaa jai ti^^en j;ri«briiu8«» wurdaa elaaai jrosaon -ublikiua 

in CJ^et:^-.! voa Vortrncjsn abermi tt.dlt # so diaa aigaatllch Has v:€i8tlga 

deutB la Prmg rtdnai^ in den deiatfsa-ntwicklua^sa dar x««i r»chwesttra 

teilii'^ha. l/UTh diena Kor.naxloar?n k'^man dia Schwaatara aueh Tult 

der viitaropOBophia in Verbiudung. ^uuolf Steiaar'a Vortr*«^a ruhrtaa 
dan ^r-^-nea literal rch-JjUillosophischan KraU auf uad la dan aaal- 

mrtie-n P'iuffiun m«in«3 Mtarah^uses wurde dia iruaduag ainar aau- 

th^o:)ororbifchan Loga t^aftricrt. Ich arinnera mlch aoeH an d* 1 






rr» 



-s^- 



' . "' % 



''!^ -*.- V 



Z^ 



- 49 . 

Uclx, Au>.ch.uckun<{ m*t umtm iroaaw zi«n.r., e. war au.j.riiuBt, 
aitt d.« wand^a 8t«nd,n Blattpflra«« unf rbrocu^n ron Straus.M rot,r 
R-8,a. Auf rtan. Vorrr^.pult stnna ebwf.u. ,in g.waltlg,. Ro,,n. 
b.u^u.t. dl, rot. oo.e ut J, b,lc,.nUich da. Syu>o.l a,r Ro.,nkr«i.,r. 

An dar WiiTjd hloj; -in KoloaaalsaBui-ie. n«-Ht.. ii—.., i - 

» i»a-jiu_ti 10, aa^at3ij.»aa oiu Bcttwars.s Kr«uz» 

u^fihM Ton ,in«m ^asankr-^a*. Ru.,oir 'it^ix.sr -ab d«r Lor- ^ „ r 

3ilaiuiOiog«, ..ach asm rhiloaoph^n -Jlz^ao, -o^ohi «ln« h^n h, ♦ n 
^-- iv,4i« L .«.'i^w, .uxiioj. eindB Dorancitan Pr*- 

«er Mlonorb-n. ,i. aucb Trof.jaa,. • ,„ - 

«erad. «ir., \rb.lt ub.r t,„, ' "'*"' '^^'' ***«*^" 

u.ter .„« .„..,. ,,, P,..aucu..x. 3t,U„ ra .„d ,' " "''"" 

^c.... .teXifn. -u .1 ^^* '""""■" ''-''— ^-. ale a^a. 

Au..n -.a .„a. ...., ,,, .,^, ^^^ .:.n..T: : '" """ "^ "• 

ci.e>. cau a.ai .at .....ut. .., '1 ""^ ^"''^'^"''" ^*- 

- --^.b a.,.. ,.ute.. .1. elJ* T" ""■ ''"'" ^''''^^''^" '*'-*" -«* 

rl..,n ::t.i„..„ ,,,,, ^,„ ^ ■' --^-"'^-- "na Anhan,.. 

BarVuat untard-.-k-p h. . . ■^'^soten nb«r J,<ie 3^ 

^= - ^sn, rta doch cii, th,o.,a lU8c-,e- 
auca^run^^n T,Pdnn;.^n. -'38''chtun^a- 

iiluig« j!.ilP8 W/.r tint. . K 

» WT una i,.ben meiacr J'uuer m , » 
^o«»"..ae uni a„ A«thropo.,onhie c.rl.^ t . 

"•■^ •'•, In -i.p.D V,rl"uf ?.i- i„ u;. , 
^'la. den ,.a„.i,,„ ,„.,^^ " ' '" -^^^ '-^ ^ri.iaeUer 

-*u«?na^c ^rl*>nl8 fur ro-.ir^ 

?!nnn *ir, un<j ypho"f- ' , <i ' 

•ciwftlich, tr-ufb^h,, ,„ , „ ■■ "*^ ^^ -^'^« -rt6,.a- 

"T rn««r UnlTt-rrltat. «;-ir-» o . 



(Ul d«F 



Vfe 



- 4fl - 

Pr«i,r UniTeraita^iaaenf »i^ »ich lEim,r ^.la Vo-b«r<.ltua« dl.aM Ihr.i 
I.eb,a.wuacti,,. J), tr«f una .lie uu furc.itbnr«r r,chi,«, d.r Krl.g 
brncii ,ua. i>x. V,-2w,xaan,i «Un,r l(u fr d^rab.r. ,1. Hu.to B,ri«nr« 
.-Uich in dM ,reten "ngea n^eh ^nilzi.a ,inruck« .us.te, war unb.- 
e-hr,ibHch. Tag uad ; «cht .acht, si, .a nl^hta anr,r,a nU ihn Irs.adJ 
wle d«r ;,f.hr zu entru.aen. S,lb.tT,r,t^dUch wT,r«n diee. B«uhua- 
••n re-„-,bUch. ana ,ir, aach zwelj .hri^^er Xrl,i,d«uer -la KoUag, 
B.r^;«.r:» nnch P^a^ k-,.. besturmf al. itxn, .« Ihr zu r-tf^llchw. :.lt 
B-in.r Abt^Uun^ ,n dl, F-aat zu ,'eh«i, da. alch d-.«.U In Un.an, b.- 
f'.nd. r*r Leutannt kor.i.t. ,, durcha.t.«,, anas «i. ala iU-a.^cenachw- 
.ter elch a.ln.r .„t.llun^ ,nocUU.„.ea du.-fte. .x. aatt. uat.r«.B.„ 
=« J.dl.ch.n S,U»1 in -„ ,in«n Kr.nk.apaa^erl.aenkur. b.aad.t. d« 
Ihr da, ...cht :nb. ,1. .ot.kr,u..chw..t.r .Ich zur .roat «. ..i,i.n. si. 
war .»a xhr,, "i,a .Icht .bzub.in^a und ao U„aea ,lr ai. .cbw.r.a 
H.rz.n. zi,U.a. I,.l„r »,.t .1. aich .ihr.nd dl.a.r ^.la. durch di. u^ 

.«**n ine ..ler^ukrrinicheit 2ii^e«o<j«n, die Bchon intent 

■•rt.. Uo si. In d^r ..tapp. nnk-m, mu.at. si. z«.i t,^, ,^j ^^^ 
tl.dera.h.a «it ihr.m 3ch«1.3.r«oha .,rt,n und b.autzt, dl. J.i.^.a- 
heit. xlt ... dort at»tionl.P«.rt,„ . tab.ar.t Sch.ch zu Bpl.l.a und 
.•l««?r.und.-haft zu .r-«rto.n. a1. d,an Hu;. B,r:s»ann .ak«, mlt 
elnar II^rMehmch., ,,r U.r ..tab.arst b.relt. Iha nneh M.a m .chlek.. . 
K«ln. Ifuttar hatt. la l.a d.a Koaaandn^.teo d.. Parlwa^ ..pital. .1. 
rh-a.o,hlo.h.n ^.ahdn.j.r r-t.i.-r. b.aucht und d«.zufoXg. wurd. Hu.>, 
l«rg»^.m dort -ufg«na=«:^n. I'eln '-.ud-r Ctto war d'.mal. ,ueh In Tien 
alfl rritt^lr.huU.hrer titlj und ao b..ehloea.B wir, dl. z^U . dl. 
Hu?« ?.r3m nn In ".pltol T.rbraoht., in l«i mwrl.^w. I;l... z.it 
wor fur Belna Kuttar <.*ln« jrobe. :.-holunij.««lt , Sl« T.rkahrt. tI.1 alt 



■ ♦ -^ 



f 



• 47 - 



2rnst Ifuller* dm Blbllothtk^ir d#r Ju .Ischtn lemaii.ae, ci«a U«b«r- 
8etE«r Biallkt ins Deutsche und den Her«U8<jeber rleler phlXosopkl- 
•ch<^ und thi»08ophi3eh«r w^irke, Auch -ndtre guiati^e P^rsdnilchk al- 
ien wlrkton ^nr<fg«i.d nuf ihron wisBensdurstii^en Vdretand. Al» Hujo 
Ber^aiin au« der Spitnlpfles© entlftaeen wmr # ubareiedelten wlr uoch 
fur elnl^t ^ochen In -Inen ^'orort ta n#ner ''nldt wohin meino iilutter 
•iue Treundin von lhr» ain© aiirlftBtf?iI«rln, die unt^r a«m l«aman 
H#raann D^hl ▼l«l.»jel«e«nt Paiaan« reroff «it ilchttt, elniud. I;le»« 
Vrtdiunain t-rrad^^llehte es* 'i»*»8 «iii Jet^uch iiujo Bar^ini'j.-nBf ils ]>ol- 
Bitttscher bvjl der Arair;e ^iiir^eruiht zu wercian, posltlT -^rladijt wurdt 
und 8^1 wfiren wlr iii« .lacklirh, Ihin der 8cureckllch«n L-b;»n8j«f ahr 
entruckt :u sahtn. Vmn^ llutt^r hat ii^9T die \n8icht au8i5eBprochon» 
daes I>oktor Gt-jlii^r recht behlelt* d«r slch eliuttal aucserte, dass 
HU£0 ierjBnnn den xirie^ iut abaretehen <urde» und noch zu jrossen 
Auf^&beu la P^laEtiiia berufen sel* ..eider h«4t i-aine Juttttr d«i 
z^teiten Tall der V. eisea^ung in seiner ..rfaiiun,,^ nicht mahr eriebt, 
nie -Ti-ebte noch seine Hackkehr n^cU Kr4.eg0ende una sciae Berufung 
nfich ^-.ondon nla Se rctar aee *^r*iehunj»aepartia*jiit8 aer Zioni^tiecheii 
Organisation unter 3chinnrjaiiu Le#ln« *>le war aua Li-jbe zu ihrea 
3chwic jeri>ohn ^Iu»^o 'il^Ts^ai^nu una aue Verachtun^ der f^ulen ;aseil- 
cchnfttiorduun^j in ;ni 'opa entechlJesent ait une i-ach "f^-^aastina zu 
g«hen und ^ollt<» raaik^i ihr L ben anat*rn. «vU8 inem 3rief an 
Ber^^inn entn«hinQ icht '•Liebee Huueiet Ich beschaftige aich Jetit 
so eehr mit d-lnem P'^lastlnaplAnen. lia let eiue Aueeicht auch fur 
micht noch na^h m.?inen Tun8chen» nach mein r "ehnoucht zu leben. Ich 
denki mir das 8O9 daaa Jeder der in einer solchtL^ Jeduinscliaft lebtf 
fbrnlieh d^a Segonbrlngends seiner tagllrh^ Arbeit fuhltt dass maji 
tndlich festen Bodtn :{«winnt in der \usubung seiner PfXichten gegsn 



-X- 



• 48 - 

ftDaerei ohne das indiTlduelle Streben auftreben zu amoeen. 

Wel'^he ^'or«^b*it w^ire ntttig, um aich ir^en wie Torzuberei ten zu finer 

nutzlichen "^itijkeit? Teh denke "nlrf ea «are ;utf anatandig ^ochen 



zu koiirif?n od«r lart ennr\r«lt zu 



rersteben, Ich steile es mlr 



alB Ideal T)rf noch •'uf o Ine altan Tage nit* Kocain od^r \ufsehsrin 
ein^r Kurhe r.uch -^llen nutzlich zu p *ln. " jiixi ich nur uoch den Kopf 
h'ittet heb>-aipch zu 1 ?rnen. Ich kmai j.ir .:ar nicnt a?i'ien» wie unaus- 
sprechlich zuwid^r ri.i^ uns^jre G-iaeilBchritsortlnan ; iBt» Mir iot»ais 
/jint^e ich uber riumrifef in die ich :-^nz zu verbirken ,laube. Colite 
da eine itettun^j moijiich seiu? Koi ate "-?*n fid ?fei*;r uriter ?reien le* 
beUf d^im *urde aich nlchta in iiUrop% hnlten kOiin-n. .i«n Verzicht auf 
die ^enuHBe der h6hc»rn Kultur djnxe tch "lir fur aich aehr ieirht. Sa 
habe ich jetzt eine Iloffuun.^ ror "ilr. Dich k^s5dend .'^^iina.'' 

3ie ^olltc in eintfr Kwutzoh y.bchic &eii«i si et aie Yur^/bhntet 
^jintTOiie 3nionaaffle» niet die nur phiioi^ophischs Bucngr inb* dichtets* 
musizierte* in ieeoliachnfti^n jiacztet Vurtra{;e hieit w^bur die sohwsr- 
8 ten and ti^fsten Problrjia©, pie stirbf jreii «lt ocin ''ei^ruhrsn sich 
k;uTiei anstrene^te* ua ihre i^.9chkeuntni«:se «ieder zu eru'^uern und der 
neuen Aufs^abe :;ewach8en zu sein* :ie abcrspiunte ihre iCrufte und 
atarb auf aieae \^'^ise >uf a^m ^ege dar v^rwirkiichunj ihrer Aiijsh an 
Herzsching. Sie err*ichts "ur ihr zweiundfurifzit^stes L bensj^hr und 
ihre ailerletztec ^0 te liTor kjie das "^e uaftaein yorlort waren la 
'^one tifjfeter Traueri •Zweiundfanfzig J^hre! • 

^rofesBor Oerhard Kon«i«ki, ^heraalij^r UaiTeraitatsprofessor an 
der Pra.^er Deuts'^hen Univgralti.tt s hriibt in teinm .ebenserinnerungsn^ 
Kunchsn IdI5. In T^r^g gm% es ein^ ;<«i8ti<t 8«9hr hoch stehends 'OasttPrau 
Berta '^^^intat die Hhnlich wi « Vadans de Stf^el <?lnen KrelB ron IntelXsk- 
tuellen xm slch siraselte, Kan laa ^stf^n^l! enm Htf^el Oder Flchtet wohsi 



-n- 



-vv 



- 4^ - 

der Phiiosopb HUtjo BeTp^nnut der Schwiu^jeraohn dcr -^r^u ^^nta ill 
Int rpr«t funjl^irtt. l^r w«r d^mnls PiV)ioth-l:*ir» j«tzt let /er Pro 
feitor der Ualrerisltit Ji*ru8^1e« unci *lrie antri^aXiCt e Koryph%e# '^Ir 
Btnunten -in dies^n ?^nt«-Abenden ub^r den j^ictigen riocU&tand ai«oe] 
?rau. Herr ?%iita» aar Btaltxer der nltber^hmtiiii ^;lnhora-A.potA«kt 
nm Mtetadt'ir* 'iln^» «rir «uch ■i'ii*rh«'»l anw-st-ivj ju . iiatt^ «jb«tnf tiia 
atarka phlloc jp^jiorhe Interesseu* }jer 3ohn» Ctto rontfif D^t^u-hta 
mein»» VorlfsLULviei:! ind ni;»^j mlt -^^^jiZ -r Steele 'n :rir« 'ancottil cr- 

der Phyoik r ''hilU; .'t auk und 7r-unciilch, 7r^unaiich iiielt cixiaal 
einen Bchoiiin Vo traj uo^jr ula rjiniit^jntheo-i d. Aii* /luz r<*cJiiina^»i- 
tjer una sniir iiituraakil^iriar rtfiiiie^us r •^nr aer Gciirif tat^iier Tax 
3rod« I<^h h.>be liin au ^ix«cBi Jt«ner \bencie von Ircy^ra Lio^raphie das 
\3tronomtjn Tyho "rrJie uraahit* die Ihm daa ""nteachviiJiEiit iriii zu 
B«ln*»m ber-.hToten ?.')rann "Tylio Brahea Wag «u ;;ott" iiif-,'fti, 

Ich ^itit -iiiicni \jti Prnu ?auta -'inen «rrdaaan Vortra^ uber Kcji- 

druck irmohttj. Auch cfrjTn«^*iU wnr 8»jhr lnt»:reopl2rt , eii -t sich vlel 
mlt Bolzqno beochi-i.f ti^t batte und dessin '^^Tm<lT<i^u aet5 Un«fncliicaan 
kniitite. Ich h^b« solt an mil eo ab©r3?hwi*9nill 'Jhar Berudo'^fliii: ?1 1 cia- 



aprochan wi e b»i aicaam Vjrtra-j»j. 



Lringe 7«it iiinuarch vairaan icjn«jr 



norh iod-nken auoijut'^uscht. ii.inmal erzahlte irh ^n Tinen ^«»nta-r\band 
Ton dera b^rahcittja '^ra.ier I/os.-nten S^il^nmn Fintor. 

?riu ?ant" hntte ^iria 3chwa«ter» die "^it den ^ra^^er Pachtaanwrilt 
l)r«'^«*und r^^^-h'lr^tet v/ar und dam Klub D»»utach**r Kunf^^tleritjiari prii- 
aldierta. Ihre •^o-jhtTf ala :'9dl«ln studlfrt hptt*, :'ora» hulratata 
dan aehr tiK'hrlj^en ?hiloiog,jn Dr.nichiilt der ai^-h z«;nach. t :\le lllttal- 
•ehuilelirer betrtticjte. riv ;nb aem Sohn dee Vt»rln>^8 uirHhanai^ra 
B#ilMniin T>rlTat«tun2an. ibinas '^agea aagta (Jer Junge B^laaxin m Xfingi 



. 50 - 
L«hr.r: ^^igentUch tun sxu mi. l.id. iU-r I^olctor. 'oaen 3la nicM » 
una iuB ;eaclxift eintreten? ..er Y.t.r hat .i- ^oua^jt. ich n-ichta 34a 
frai.n, Di.a.n utrag .rachte der j-inja ^tlim^.n in so nelt^r :-om 
vor, dnsB ::oktor Bi-h^l wi-'Uich .in:ii.g and nach icurztr BaapracHung 
ait Ker-n ^.Ulannn -inig turrta- 2r ntnnd nun luf .xn^r gaiiz anaarn 
BaciB unci k niite neinan wlfcsenarhnf t Ucher. Interecueii aachgahao. 

Frau Barta ?antn **tirb uf tr^ :i8-na .*ci5« icurz iiacU UM. 
D-xrz-xU h'^tta aich i.r.::.»r ;ni' nn .niacal > istn, u^it . r ui uad Kiudtjrn ameh 
i^alaotma .lunzuw^sr^d^rn. '''rau '^'r.ntft B^hwutkte aehrt ob aia Mi tgeUan 
nolltnt um nort in d«r n uan H^imftt ir»,i.cwie xiuiziich oeiu asu kon- 
nyr, Tirf sicn alt u«r Ibr ?i j^nai* -:.i.'?rjia ^af .Ho Ko iikun^t. Vo«r 
noch V)- d«- \breiJa ^uraa sia .uhr^nd der ;rbait von <^inm lltiraaciiiag 
^-ctro'^ffTH. Inre Toteuf ii^^r i« J- -isciian KatlMia. deflfc»«n ^roacar Saml 



dicht ccfaiit w^^rt blriibt air 



'■'rfri.it:'i:«'^^--'---- ' -'' ^""'"'^Xt.t) 



• Ll« die^e ■.urzelcnnuiigon uber ■•lue ."ir.iiia loUaii sin Eilo 

an ."raft u^r r^Wibfrsud., 'ier j-fuLlth-lt u.1 1 .-UiUB- uad ilri«b«n«- 
kri'tiu, cl« ihrar Satur sntstammt^n, ^ie iber rueh auo dor zat und 
ihrer J«oorg«nfa,it. u,r i««l--h-rtha t ihr- ..xiet.nz, ilir*r laat^l.lA 
l,n, TiorHli-nien und Ueber.^u ;un;3-r.lchTh •! t ^ita.rlnst. uud f«»t 
TTanVrt •>r'.r in d«M 3inuben «n wi, fsanBrlwft una a.r Ittth^r.ntwlc^iumj 
der ••af.scohelt. I^ifber Unube trrt -.n r,t,lU arr reii,^i6»en. dtr 
Jud.ntume.:>i.ubl3-K-lt. di, -U -^lU -^U ;lon,n lUr.r 'v.mUX^UiX wgta 
un-l •■Infachh-it -Un t'n,j«bll(let9n und \m-n xlt. T,rzslh«ad«« iAch.in 
ub^'-l-.aaen nirCe, rr.it ler f wtsn U-b -rseu run«, d'lsf *nmnl dl. %i6»«»- 
schr.ft It^ra s'Lorr•ir^• "egent«rh-ift ub^r die C-nse t'mschhait T«rbind« 



-^0 



. 51 . 



und imai^r hbh«r fahr**nd '^ufrichten «*ar(1e. In dianer b>b«rzeu .xixii* 
fjimloii ei« Hiimat far len itsltitt vie «!»» in der Schblih-it lhr«9« ir- 
Ci8ch«n Zuhau«8<9Beiiie f-.r ihre nesth^tischen Bedurfninae i^ahrunj 
fpnden» durch Kunst und i»atur jen^ao zu^leich. Ich iernte pchon "la 
Kinr! ' li«-fi niit iHreii Aujeii BcheHt 30 aaaa Jiir -aln ::tuc1c Lnndschnft 
i ^pr ilw Kjiistwerk 'ichoii i7. .liiCdn ontgejiiitrat unci i'usik* lfil'ir<il» 
l^ilf1h^U'?r'^l > ii*f.i w-ir «t.*?-3 ^n^j vi »iiplcht njiasre Kind -r nis Vnter- 
un««r und •^nder'S Gebite Xirutia* sa vrtr <?ii*« Uibetun^j der mei^tichilchen 

V 

vjr Jad«« Kunplwer^e vuriiei^tu Ui-^n uxf^U ;leic iiz'.i ti:^ vor der ▼tjrbar- 
g«a#n 7otth^it» aie ^^iraae ii^i lllrtr Vrfr^)Orgefih^l t ai e *riiie hatt^t 
• ich In :run3t, " iiie^usciiif t zu jff .^iio'^ren. ]f«in« Grosern'jtt ?r zlti.r- 
te i -r .'>«?th;s ' ortei """ rr "VlBsauschrf t -ma ..'unnt 0f?9itzt» der hnt 
RUrh Hrlici^n; .ver clt^ii© bdiuen laciit beBitzt» der hube Rellilon," 



^■£^3o 



1 • 



S8« D«s«ab«r lilS 



LEO EAiiCK 

INSTITUTE 

NEW Vrr?:' 



3««hrt« '**rau«rT«rsisaiiung« 
L«i88«ii 81« iftleh alt tin p-ar lorteo ia iaciaafi uBB«r«» ^u^^rtik Froua- 
d«skrtfi8«s T9n uns«r«r 7rmi 3«rt« '^nata \bschled n«haaa! Tir ti^b^a 
8la 9lla in lhr<A L«b«9a ((ill«bt iiad T^rohrt* Hvutat ia <^ir 'la ihr«a 
Sar^e atehan* da ''Ir dl«»«;8 L^ibtsOt deosafi ^.ufte .rkBiAa uad dai^bara 
Z^ujita #ir wr>r<:;af <ibj:«achloa8<fa 8eha&» da tritt zu diaaer Li«ba und 

DenA wl8 ci<ur uad jlulidl tiled il8jt ui^ttea L^fbt^n ror una* I>la 
Frna* ua dia vir Mler trauern» h«?t inr L-^b«n uieht elnfnch pnssiT hia* 
g«na!iiiii8a» wle es inr ;«raaa sU;;of'ilXan i«itt t^^ood.ri* liiia Ust tsm fr^i 
uad kr^f tig i^^eb iarfOi ei^auaxi lawalatif f<frii roa ail#r ki«)iuiichiC8lt» 
gestnltetf ji« o^t 08 T«rst iiatsa* iur:fa i.v'bt$a ^iu-iU ::iun £U c>«^^a« 
>arua k^.a^a #lr al^^attr 'rau aaa iiora<>t«t ..ab apiiiiaaaf oaa xcli 



^* 



air d#i-^aa kaiiat s.'ia «a)irU^ft Juuiachad liab» i£i>o«y «ir ana 3iua ui«aua 
iaabeaa in aaa orttta aua^i&iaearaaasa; I 

?rau B«rta ?aata bnt iar i;aii;&«8 ufstina iaa^ uuTtfrbruckUieb ^#- I 

atrabtt dan a«i.t aa fiaaaa - wu^d ilia ^uf ^raaa su Tdrairicileliaa* f 

3ia Uat uicata i»a a«Ur ^(jii«bt» via dis tal&rbeit uad dla ..^r- 
kai^iAtaia uad aia aar ia i^irea KaiiuaXa tou uiciita aii^eraa on^tisiBtt 
aia 7oa jan ^illaat Jauaaaai daa ^ut^ xu. tua* 

Daa i4^t 8ia uch wihrlich g-staa - ait ?ili«r "ia ,«ibit iUr8a Ja- 
fuhlsf ait daa gucaaa Klnaata ihras Vl^^rant ^rachaa and tapf^raa V 
atandaa* uud B*it jaaer 3tiil8 uad Varaehaheit daa vohltuaa* dla d 
a4laa tfeuacdaa kanaaaieha*;t« 



Uad wi« hat 8ia dia ^ilirlidit i«liabtl Yoa ibr kaaa aaa* via 
a^-tea raa «iot?r ?rau ant^sas iiir Lab^a war caa Leraaa gaaiteat. kit 
uaUiubllchst^B ^lf#r uad doch ait iin«r auad8rbar8a Baachsidaahait 
aabtf 8i8 sich dan :;rou8ea 3al8tt»ra dar l^gxiachh-it icit aaitaaar la- 
tan8itiit dacht# ^ia ab«r alia ^robltiai d«a Li«fbaaa aacbf ait aiaar 
Aufn'tliB8rihiik8it otin8 Jleichan trf taste aia ^Il8 u urn J«d:.aikaa ua4 
ait einoa etaua>::a8v#rt«n0 xnrteBt acbt w«ibiicban "^iikt MAs^ta aia 
iui2ure^8n und i^eistig su ford^rn, 

Da8 ^iiva hab-n <ir» i^ra ?r»und^» au uiit»ar«ja jrojii^aa «»utaaa ar» 
fahrent van f»il ciea au Ban .*lr ^etat au uiicertsia ^rojjtjaa Scboi«rsa Ab» 
acnied nehata, 

Ab8Ciilad a^batsBf fur iwrn^Ti oim^ wia aa aouat unsara Ja^srobabait 
«ar» Ta^ und Ort uti6or«r nuehs^ten ZUBniiia«akunft su bcatimx^sa* 

So oiei'>t un£ ui :nta» ai8 cif^nkb^ir iOt deiu und su 7tfraprac)aa» 
daae «lr /rau Berta F^oita fur i^i^ar Xl, uuaaripi J«l»te i^band •rbiU.tiA 
«o I 1 ea« 

^ iat eina ^t^rk^^raii^t f^il;ua^ aaa J«acUieka» daaa a«ia latataa 
Oaspr^cb* daa ich silt irnu x>arta -^nuta b.9tt«;» aia Unaterbiiekkait 
d«r Scaia b«traf« tir bitbea das Jai»praeb aicbt suaaaa f^afubrt* HuUtat 
blar oa dain<ia Sarget will icb ea ba^iidaa* B^aaaaa mit aincr aiebaraa 
Ark^untnla» nach dar au &.a a-^Hr ^eXacJiat baatt «ir K«nacbaa ^aubaa 
aa dla Linjtarbiiebkait dar S aia* aieaan kouaaa air nichta ^Mb^raa 4ap 
rub«r* Aiaaa a^^r «rird *^r hiart aa diasa« r(«rgtft auf daa daliiagaca»» 
gana ^ab«;a diaaar ^^i^taa '>Iiekaad» einaa aird air hi^ar gawlaat waaa aa 
alaa Uaatarbiiebkait dar Saala ^ibt uad ia walehaa ' iioia iiuiar vir aaa 
diaaa Uaatarbliebkeit daakaa ao^aa^ da» Barta ?«tata» auaat aia gaaiaa 
•rruagaa hibaa* daaa da hatteat wahrbaft uaa richti^^aa lag* Lalia wMLi 



—WaWW MUI I Hluil jil)n»HJ i .i-m ii 



. I 



// 



/ 



I. 

Qm^mi^9€m for Trnu B«rUi Faatm. 

^ifim Tod« ^Xskmm H«ld«iA» belM lliraa cli^rr TMi«rt4iUaiM» ¥«rAi^d«it uaA 
S«v&ititf ▼9rl9b^(llit (.urcn das J^f^ia roi. ~4ii«^r^ acu*ru uod »ihtn 
•ig«ii«A Tod» d-r Vorwurff d^ss wlr due irotts^ uld* t^(*iiU4i g«li«bt9 
IhA aicht mlt 'iHer ua»tr^ Xvmft g«Ui>if«n, aa» i» chl . eslgk ^i t d«B 
uiij;eh«u«r«ii Varsu^* disa #lr its httsci coaa.«A^ a« I«l Ut jft» ait »o 
g«rln^«« Opf ira. iilciit ^^imtat k.»bt»a. lir »iud so »«hr li^w^,\mX. aach- 
hoi#ii uud gutiiacn«4i »a ko.a^, daa^, w^ui es plot«iich lUiJao^iidi «lrat 
4ojr ^wb«l i^nbi,^ ufib«dacai.*r U ib -r i'-i^nu^ una tt»9cht.lchtl.itfr : lo«i- 
btrruiU >iAiit:«a vor una UB«liiiiJUi rr.:fiB.,t| «la BlAta ,;r u«im ft«r Klar- 
lieitf ci^Bb t^ii elu ^HC?iiiJltii ja uberUiu ^t aicht ,lbtt wall aur il^lch* 
4Ug,i£i >iic«i. iU« «i«d jrktiiArt Ui<u uuu« ociiuid «iriru» «r«i«^ koiuMexiu« Hond- 
ian.^, aim siu M«^r» alii ^«ue», eia : eiutt *u b^li^ lk».tt«» V^r^^uates 
<Mf 1 elcixiA muss. 

A» «r9t«» 'btoidf alii Icii aach d.^« iiurt« tack Xra« SJi^ik^ch^o a«a 
Flri^t^rn fi^hitcrt t?4it atna 4ch suis ibsc ^itd^rwiMi ha u^ff Ttm^ru itfist« 
Koioiunj klo^fttt war .» -ir xu »cUr9CiLlleu> ^fialaca »ur '^a^«^ruXAung 



i 



aiit ]MLa«« lAs X«la« su ka..m«ait ai« ^•iscU^a iaos i)«ryiirt ^oru«a « rsA» \ 

ail«ft j^tdiMi« d,\k ijrtfch**. _« wnr .*ich tIhI icntl^je* uaruiii«sr# da* t^Asf / 
•0 Stfhr btfv^^t hf)tt«f :lit Wf^r* »• 'lepia»^t« iciit c^u^ wi« bio «» #oiii 1 
g«taii Ikittit hinius zu ihrt ^o aXa v^tro K^ir d«r tfrstd V%u^ch ^tiftt^rb«a 
uud leh «rui>at« uaeh nickits Toa aoa ..rf arui^tfH* ai« «i« ;vad*:ir^A Ait 
di«0«B .ril^iic ^ ^a-^rht U bijnt und don l^btfUiliiX .n Vereuch Bin hoiit ob i 



oicht irg«nd -^int 



d#r V rrtanol ;uiig swlsch«ii uns ubrig ^ebii ib«a 



war** V'on iBlr ubauao fahrt d-?r ^ef f^pr^daatts di« h iba Stuiidt} 1 og 
ble UiisAUs nrtgwfrora • unbrtiebt acbaifiXs Dtrass* Aaben f:^chi«&«a b«r. 



'^- 



Z. 



*Ach daft ist selidAf dass Sia kor!««Bt* hdra ieh di« raaeli« •Bar- 
gischa Z^Ti^chm air antgagan* durch dia iimar oin frduadiiehast loi 
?r9Uda uAd ?rauAdlielikait w^rb^iidaa iiaehsiii durebkiingf bais iatitan 
tort i&it aaa ucf alii bar eA Huek via imtfrwartat abbrachand* Uad ieb 
• taad in d«B ki<iiuttn Yorsiiuatsr auf dam Aitatadt«r Hinj ait aainar dar 
Unwiehtigkait ainat Yorsinaeva sa unbakufiaiart aAtapraehaidan Eaga und 
hjttta unt'fr dan ^UBsan noeh daA Widttrstand d«r un^^iaicbaiaaig Tartra- 
tanan hiatoriaehan ateil^A Ioiietuf«A. Yor Seliraekaii und Y«r>MUBdaruAg 



ta ieh bald Ttfrgeeaan* dan ^intarrook abauieg^A uAd aA uia gavoluita 
Sttjila links hochxuhan^eA* *Acb dan i«it 8Chdo» daaa VAm kaaaiol lak 
hnbe dn so etw^a IrosseB oriabt und aa tata siir isidt niaaanuaa daraa 



t«ilneha«n zu iaesaa* I>a» iat aal andiieh atwao* daa 



niehi Biir T9^ 



datf sondern ^irklieh fabltl :»8 i»t c>'ut» daas mm daa MonaeHan niekt 
freiatehtf ob tsr at^^rban will, Kaiuer wurda aa tun* S«ilDaiaordY Da 
antswtsit aicb einer alt sich so laage bis ar bieh hasstf iaaar iirgart 
8«}iuan Faiiidt dan ar aulatst oabriagt* Abar atarbant aaa istt vateiaa* 
ga«;en aeinaa Yiilan daa Rae^ta tUA ai^asant im Kraapf ailar falacUaa 
Richtua^en nnk -in^f tjid aaa $in^g Kotwanuiganf Richti^aB» aicht ant^abtfi 
kttiinaa. Dar arsta Aujanoiick ungahou jrstar ^aviaahaitf daaa aan labia* 
labt. aii^ariiitanda Tataaciia ifc.t» aina Vorbanaanhait ia AU» f^inSaliS? 
mehr wegzu vis chant uht «i wanaaln* Fuhlaa 3ia nieht Jatat rallkaaaiaa 
airkiich und gan»iAf daaa Sia ait air radaat" 

Ieh fuhita daa hnrtgafrorana Flackchan Straschniti untar daa 
Puasan* laisa Jlocka aitt rta durch dia kuhla Stillat riallaieht 
dar Kapaaa daa chriatliahan Friadhofa harubart rialiacbt vaa d 



Dorfkireha druAtaa* 

•Sia rufan aich harauf» Wk racht wato uad daaaiaafarb< 



arachainunggaward aaa ?or« n faaaaai lu haltaat n 
IhAaa ab^ Ja nihar? Sprachan ^r uaa Ja uAgahaaatar uad 



■aiaa 
War i«k 

t 



-1>- 



•' 



9. 

■truktieaM. Slim«..lcli«ru«,««i d.. aacto .la^ ;i«it u» .leH T.pp,od«a 
aa«8tllcli«, hHfX«. durch da. Leb« r.cii..b.iMl.a. Cdurch, da., m 
0.rau.eh. a,elit.. «.na Ich r.d.t., ^latf. mloto b.w.^f, war .. x^eht 
.lchT.r, d... 31. horten. wa. ich ..Mj.a wilte .a.r leh T-r.taa*, 
•a. SI. dacht«.. T^ SI. «lr .la. i.l.»,. 7r«uutl .1. .i..«. ich 
•ar la »11«. .. j,ra ^-rundUch, aoXlt, Ich da. .In. :;tackch« r.lt, 
da. %l8 «,ln r.Pk und Schlckaal za,^^a.«fl.,., mcht ax. iluh.lt 
b.l.aiui».n g.-ma und kl ir uber.ch-uw -ollent Ich habe uo rl.l. Ruck- 
bUek. al. Ke.^.h.1 .im. dl. Mich ll.b hab«». vu. d*r i..au«th.lt 
aU.r ^..lua. Ich Tl,U.leht, .a. air d.r elg.n. nlcht ^ebea k uia. 
J»dm» d«» leh «twa. war. au.. Ich doch .twa. ander.a ciew^.« ».lat 
KUB Baua k«r. 31. Bind In der Schul., ich ruf. .il, auf, .««« ol. 
wl. war Ich? ri. t,lu ich auf d.r ii.tsh.ut Ihrar ^^,1. 8t«h«i j.bllebaaT 

•W. fas. ich ••? Zart«n ;.i.! Von ««lehw Tunkt d.r tau.ead ^- 
lrmeruni.B au. ub«r.eh. Ich .. ru> v.awt*a»al<i8t.«, 2er.cht.8t.aT - 
Unt.r «U.n M»n«eh«i, ul. Ich keua., #ar«i ;a« eln. d.r tapferatM 
Empferliinwi la d.r Scolacht d.s -ol.t.. g.g.n dl. laterl.. Ab^r daa 
let ail nb.tmktt SI. warea .a nlcht aur la sro8..n int.«h*lQUa^'<(«| m 
war ZhnM 8. noturllch, daas .. Ihr Lt^w durehpuista bla la all. 
Slu«.lh.lt.n. Oim. Path.Uk. oha. apott u« iioeteut. aha. lr<tM4 Mtf- 
h.b.aa daTon lu aactiaa. brachan £1. mjt d«r /CouT«Btloa la allaa tfaa- 
k«a uBd nur fur Ihr. Pcir.oat aachtun al«aad«B .la. Vorachrlft awaua. 
nad SI. Tsrfl«l«a nleht d.r "/.fahr. «laa KoareatLa nur Wth.r.r ^t- 
tuac m .taMinroi. Sla war.a a B. nlcht ela. galatraleha !>«■•* di« 
alBM Utwrarlaehan Svlan hl.lt. 'im war Ihr. Lu.t* .la Zlaa.r rail 
lab.adlg.r Qelst^r na .leh m hab.a« t.b dsBMi abm JadCT Slas«laa 
•twaa Tarha«b.a au.at. uad dla luaamiMi .twaa warhailbMi Buaataa* dla« 



r 



I 



» • 



.1 



i 



4. 

L^glsl^tlTv d«r Ide« li koD^titiil •r«a und tin* R«Tolutloa g«g«a das 
xuralllj v;«word«ii« in aII^h ••itian bXlA^haAtigtm Taraonei^oaltioiiaB i 
organlbi*srea« Ihr ^inub« ma d«A aeist al» awig l«¥tfiidi^«ii Urspruag 
g^geoubtfr a«B mt Vutoritat g«rOi.a«a«a attlbst8ich«r«a Uebvrkomaa 



so w&hr und tiefgahvadt daas Sl« Ihra achllm badrohta Gsauadhaitt Ihr 
g«rdhrd«t9a Leb«n d<fr ladixln ait allaa ihran sut^^gtstiroa KachtMlttaXa 
daa )iriBaanschaftliclian ArbttltanaeUwoisaa antsot^ea uad dar Jaat;as Jtatar* 
halilcuiida aoxuTartri^uaa wa^taa» oleht atwp aus ratlooalar Uabarla«puigf 
Eiaeh \b«a.eS<»a dtrr Jruadat oOad .ra aurch oia tlnf r«»ll^i6aa ivhrliebkait 
iiM ^.rn«uaraa,;8^1iuben jaceis prophetisch bauarlsehau Waruaaorfar ?abri« 



kaiiten uberscu^t und ich daaka» 



t;roBaaa Vortali Ihrar latstaa Jahra 



Dar Va«{atarlanlaitaia ant«>prach so stihr Ihr«tfi tl«ff«n sittliohaa Rai»> 

llchkeitabadurfolB. 

Si a mnT9u aiaa - " 

'*Ich kann nichts dafari wartaa 3ia! Also Yon aina^u aadaraiA Puakt anas 
weun ?ji9 la "^haatar in dar latztaa ^alariaraiha aaeaan odar bai das 
Philunra^niachan ia ubarfuilten !Iaua aueh #ohl mnnebmul auf dai^ Stab* 
piatsatufant - a& iat uoeb so aina juta Akkuatik ubaraUt aagtaa Sia 
und hntt«n ^n dan Tag «ia rialaii Arman Kohla rartailtt in Ihrar algaai 
Wohnung irratidan haiciloaan umheriSaatoaaanan Koiiatlarnt Lehrara* Xk^l^ 
karn ala :)a8tau ^iiit dankbarar Fraucia und sartar Sorgliehkait aia Kmjl 
gabotaa;" 

"Sia sind kleinlichi Ich haffat Sia wisaaa andarea rmn airf* '• "as t^ibt 
es «uf der V<elt» ^lUi.'Ber r'r^ude bereiten, Leiden er leichtsrn?- I;och 
Sia wuaateQ aa uad aa fullta diaa andara arat in araatllAar Badantiuig 

Ihr Laban aaat Sia auchtaa* aachtaa nach daai 8ina» dan Kara dar Waltf- 

halt. leh kinn mir Sia nlcht andara Taratallaat ala vana Sia fragaa 



odar lehraat laraaa adar barataai Aar Qaatalt gamrdaa 



a jata wiUa< 



*Und aaina Tahlart Ich auaa d«eh aaah Vahlar gahabt 
iaaar daa Wiahtigal* 



habaa* Dla aiaA 



»«chruf nm 3r«b» too ?rau 



a« 



^' a X B r o I 



.' c -: ^ 



ila-a. d.r yalil.. «^.«. ^„ ii t=rarl.c,»«. and pMIoeoohl- 
"'''•" "•""" *• "— '^^ -o«l tX.ch^ Or«anieaU,n b^. u^ 

auf ,l««,i dl. ^b.chlsde.tuna, .chi tian uad aaa i..b-n h . 

e>«M u«a aaa i<ebeaf daa ctu i^efuhrt 

t>a»tf Barta ?iuita - •■ war «lr. «,.•«♦ < < ,. 

•B war «ln ,cat ju^.i.chee -«&««: la ail d,ia« 

Tua uad :;enlc,n •«rot au d»r eaelBte -y-^u, , <:,. t..«i .„ . , 

jr. «■ » (laa Ideal ulaor Jadlachea 

?rau, Jauiacll wnr^a dl# ar-hsirv... .. • 

r^a aie 8oheliib«r«n ^etr^n^-^tz. In d^ium CharaJcter, 

Jaalech a., .„r-o.x.. «, der au dlch .«s ale„a ..,.a«.t.«. !«,„ 
*l..er durcUic^prfat. J..l.ch war uxe S.,psia. ..e uu ail« .«»^«, 
rlchtua«,a .at^.^enorachtest. . J...,eh aber ,uch ui. «tat. Ju^,a4. 
Uch, Leiaeuacii&ft, >at u.r au ai.s, Ct toua-.-a erriff.n h ♦ r 
war d,la. ^r^a«Xa.. Her.e....ut.. . Jaai.cU auch ula atr.ag. Kritlk. 
dl. .« .a aich uad -.a nil, K.a.ch.n uad Zuatande aale.test. D.iaa 
indlTldu, l-.ig«a,xUl^, .«.....fuaru«g war J.aisch - uad Juui.ch aocb 
auch die w.hre -.»,ia,cbaf t. al. d« .la^, ^ ^,,^ ^ ,,^^,,^^ ^^^^^^^ 

••na „ In a- Jahea V-rlu-t. tt,r ua, g,troff.B fact, elnw, -roat 
«lbt. 80 ist «, a«r, ao», .Xr a,a Jt.«i d,« juui. b«a Volke., au, d- " 
4— ar »l,d,r aolchc edl, uaa au^BerordeatUehe ~yp,B wie au herrw- 
iehea ».rdea, kraftroil uad ^auuaa b..ntoaa -oa«a, • U wlr dlch 
gelieht ad T«rehrt ,iab.a. ,1, a,lt«o aue. ;:caacix,B. wU* .Ir d« 
Volke. de. alch herrorsebracht hat, Trw. b.wanr. . so faaa. leh d.l. 
VeraJiehtBl. arf . Wlr horea d«la« lieb, rtla.,, wl, al, una ao oft ' 

In dan Tartrautan rler riuden dalnea Heiw «rkiuag«a let uad *lr 



gdlobeB ••• aoTlaX la una llegtt dlr alaao Irulsetaa Uaatarbllehkolt* 
dla uB. tarbllehkalt dalava 7ypua, m arkaiKpf aa - was abar dlo aadara* 
dla blaBllecba Unaterbllebkalt aiiiai.«;t* so jlnuba Icht daaa du ala 
«1d« J«r«cht«( dlcu aeuta hciiati i«r Schachlaa •rfrouatt aach aar dH 
dich if»«iiat h'lat, aain gaa-a* I<<ib«a lane. 



♦ #c 



?u« gfifiy 

In <flll0B seiner 0«dl ehtband* findet eieh oln G«dleht mus d«B 
•r0t«n W«lt1trles» (D«r Band ist 1917 erBchl«n«a)» debs«a Titsl *Aa 



7rnii : ttrtm 7.*v Auf Jen« geistig Tom«lMi« 2>ns« hlx^slvit* di« ais 
Mutter aer Varfaseeriu la Klttelpuakt d«r uler fi3lg«iid«a \urji«lek- 
aun^sn el nr ?aBlil«iiehronik istvia • leh hnbe ai« wleder «in«a tf«a- 
Bchsn 1r«i*&tta a^lmrnt^ d«r bo wi« ?rau B^rta ?»uta uureh and durli 
aus a«fi Ulrb«ln ola^r g-ins und gar J9iati^«a Leldei^acaaf tiicakeit 
btat^ban achlsat d«r nilt 3ieh seiust ia iiaapf 1h^ uud a«r0 da uad dart 
«ich alt G Choi 111 OiiiUitiQB 2Ufrl<»a«a c>«)>^<a(1» wi« wlr 98 ror d^r i^ata- 
atropht don Ariat^vauubruclis Xil4 daciais ill* tat^n* la ^aaasD a^cli 
nlvBiAXt das Zl«l a^r tii^fat^A :>rk^.uixiXu ami dar ^iiiforuuuti^ a«s al^aaaa 
Salbat ff wl« d«r ^aiizaii Ua^rait aua dan Auji^n iiasa. Dar ^auzma Uawaltt 
- dajm ti^^cirta -^uaa^r inrjr ?aai].la« luaa ir ^^iStflldchartiieii air frai^ 
den vJll :dt5ruii^en» auch dv:r Kr^la* dor kilch xujrbt In o^naa kialuaa 
Souderxii-^ai«r das Cafo Lourra li* d«r ^erdiii^^aQaatriaaet upatar in ihrar 
schduan '^olmua^ In aix^aa cilttel It^rllCiiaa Pra^ar '^arg^rhaua *VL»f^mmmi^ 

fand* Hugo Barja^ixaif Felix waitacbt 7rax4» K^ifka and ich c^ehdrtaa 
ntbut anaaren dlt^aaa £ral»a ^n, :J.u9t«iQ uad aein gatrauar H^roldt 
Profasrfor Hopf» jrartfi hAUfi^^a Jiiata* ?rof<*afeor Ilopf eroohioss una ia 
•iu^ «iuzigan» unvartf«a»iicbttt Vix*tar kurawalsa dia Gahalanlasa 
swtfiar Uaaals 99^ uaatritt^snan n uan Tiaeenachnftaat dar HalatlTl- 
tiitethaoria und der T>8ychoanalyaa. Hit ainaa iiauta kajia aaUr rer- 
st«llbpren neias uad i^raat wurda hlar unter Ber^anaa Leltu* ia 
FO chant 11 Chan Ditlcuaaionafibafidan Knnta Kritik dar rainaa Varnunft 
Zailo fur Zaila vea naun Uhr ^b^nda bia iwi^lf Uhr mchta (ua4 laa^jar) 
durch^anomaaa* Siner der a harfstrt Diakuaaioaaradnar war iUnbtaat 
dar daatla noch faa' unbaknnatt Jun^« Profaaaor. j£r bakaapfta Xaat 
utA n ar.erkanata iha dock ^ueh, ia ^aiaa Stuckaa* wotm ia aaiatA 



h 

I 

I 



t. 

.pat.r« Scarift«» i—. r -l.dw Spurii auffuehfa. Su folg.«d. 
j.hr B-h ua. b,i H.i-1'. PhdnoMoni. d*. 3a«t... d-uu. b.i Br«eh.tiiok«« 
Ton icUt.. ^1. «.n«cliaft.l.hr^, dl« allerding. beld. Ton ua* «leht 
«dtr 80 lUMiebuxijoToU «el«8«n wurdw, •!• .In od.r aar »«1 Ja^w. 
laafi K«iate ^roano »erk. iDwm riw ua. der Krl«« ausalnaadw.- 
0ft liab. Ich y.l..uns3ii wiBtfesproch*!, di. In dle.«« Kra.« nidht «•• 
fi.irt, di. h«f«» ^^Jipft *urd«n. U«b«r nil. VUmrme^^tin4niuu» 
Wnweg aber hAbe ich »leh j.raU. hi,r «u U«U8. j.fuhit. Und in di.- 
sem ~.i'M^ 0.0;, m-^n il. oln i.aj, arwJuifn Vt.« auff-iU3«, di« ich 
nun h.iah'fr a at i at 

i n ^r«tu Berta ?» 

Oelater wlrktn aler una dortt 
Kleina FiAiaachan imaarfort 
sunvjln 'lUf 'in aancha» ^rt»- 

amaa liacht durch Znubc-r^ortt 

einaa habt sich and Tardorrt. 



Heiter :ib*t Im aiasan IftHsaa ?la:^< 
aina lleiaatt ein Baiaaiaaaa* 
1^1 a f^onet auaeinnnaar claitaa# 
naharn hier bich aua dan laitaa* 

I at aa ein basoudaras Haua? 
In d*tr wciten kniten ^alt 
a*jltan sich ain Flaaaichan halt. 
Hiar nua t5ehn »ia nia ala auat 
liiar gadaiht ihr haiaaar Schein - 
"iarttiant aura uraachaaaatl 



••^«il dar Bodan as-i.bat hiar brauntt 
j^^nr ?laam9 i-icht und Paia." 



/ 



n 





cv^\^ 



^ 




(^ 





mm»^m^-~- 



LEO R A i; C K I N S T I T LI T F 

IIV lASr :wd MHI.I I . M\\ \>nn. \\ uh,2\ • Ull.ntbndcr i 6400 



FOM FOK OESCHIITION (P MKMOIHS 



W^;^7 c . 



'/r^ 



u 





Loccition: /^/^'// 
Plocr.^. Bcx.V^. Filet'/ 



1. Author: Not mentioned "Your Mother's sister" 



2. Title of Merr.oir: 



FAMILY FRAGMENTS 

Photocopies of 



Original letters in German 
150 pp. 



3. Language and length of memoi?-: 

with typed translations c 

4. Subject of ncmoir: 

Letters c. 1900-1970 

5. Date covered by memoir: 

1900-1970 

6. Form of memoir: ♦) individual bin 

autobiography 
corporate hintory 
•^^ letter honk ****^* 

collective h.i story of one or more families 
♦) pleaso circle one 

7. Summary: 

Subject index shovild list, maior ontries about: 

personal and fninily nnmen 

corpornt ion5;/indnstr ien 

town or region or Jowir.]^ comrrunity of the town 

historical events 

8. If photogr.ii-hs or fvin^ily '.r.-f^s in rnei.clr 

Photocopies of photos, 3 origi-nal French ID papers , 1 photocopy of 
French ^pu^^ipp^gjd^r^lg^l. ^Phtoc,j,^i^e^ <^f jD^MENSIC^NS^^^^s^^ue ^S^^ing 1967 



10. Copyright: 



11. Donor: 



Mrs. Marianne Berel 
76 Riverside Drive 
New York. NY 10024 



The University, a former monastery, w.-\3 situated 

next to the river "Oder." It was a good size river 

with lots of greens, full of langousts and a nice 

swimbatn. 

There were a number of churches and a ?*vna^7o^"ue, 

A few cable cars connected the various parts of 

the city. Ours was nicknamed "the rolling synagogue," 

since most people using this number 2 were "our kind 

of people. " 

For our parents life in Dreslau appeared to be a 

contented one. A man brought ice during the summer 

months, an older woman came weekly to mend our 

socks and clothing and a tiny crosseyed woman came 

to do ci.e f aiMi i y l«iindry in the h'»semont, 
I still see her in the misty vanor of these large 
wooden basins, trying to roll over the heavy towels 
and linen of our household. 

They all had to be hung up in the courtyard for 
drying and then pressed by the maid. 
The cook remained in the kitchen. 
During our earlier childhood we had a girl for 
ourselves , but when we went to school, she was dis- 
missed and we only had two maids, besides the 
additional helpers. 

My father was "off" Wednesdays to play billiard 
and my mother was "off* »^*ond lys for the subscription 
concerts. Fridays all stayed home - and no visitors* 



■^i^mmmmm 




Saturdays we went mostly to tho country. 
Two grnnd pianos were in the musicroom, ono upright 
in our room and there was another in the co in tryhome. 
Thus, we had U pianos in 3 different places. 

In the nominf? the maid knocked at my parent's bod- 

room door to Q'^Ck.^^' the curtains. Hreakf as t\/sr?rved at 

8:30. y'y father, dressed in a stiff collar and tie, 

my mother in a Iressing gown. After my father left 

for the office, my mother arr mgod our social life 

over the telephone. 

At 1 : JO my father returned for lunch: 

soup, meat, potatoes, vege tables , gravy , s'^^ewed friit. 

Water and grenadine for a drink. 

Then ny father retired with a cigar, reading ar^d 

sleeping for about an hour. He then had tea anrl some 

sweet, steDped back to the officn for a little 

while and played chess in a club the rest of the 

afternoon . 

Dinner at 7:30» usually slices of d'^rl: old bread, 

butter and coldjcuts. Tea for a drin-:. 

Friday: special day, hot chocolate, fresli bread and 

butter. 

At one point we aad a c ir (^onz)- but since my 

father did not drive, (nor did he h ve any wish 

to learn it) we had a chauffeur. -J-^is became a' so a 

necessity, since my father acqiired a we'^^knnd hoise 

in Zobten am Berge. This was especially built according 

to his instructions. (1928 ) 



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It 



all seemed like a 



change. Usual 1 



routine, wh 



ich 



would neve: 



:iv 



faster ti 
vacations 



parents went t 



ne, but 



o some 



ve AI 



ace at 



i went fo 



, mostly to -^wit 



-on,: sumnor 



^loli iays my 



Ch 



parents went 



ristmas to the 



z e r ' an , I . 
'■^'Tain som 



or t!ie J 



ewiah 



an d in e 



mountains wit: skii 



ewhere and agai 



n 



n^ 



or 



V. 



rale 



II 



The 



se vacati 



g-ether wi th f 



ns were oft 

riends or f 



en ised b 



V taki 



n^ tho 



m to- 



uncle Geor^ 



amil V 



embers 



m 



t my mo ther ' s 



'^ s 1 1 y 



Somewhat later my 



^<^^t beloved brot: 



ler 



t'J be al 



mother used t 



he short 



on«j 



in Zobten an i 



er vacati 



ons 



a nice place 
occasional s 



et my fath 



She 



cl 



or go 



aimed that f 



one to 



operations 



r a cood m, 



trri 



'<re h 



erale and 1 



e il thv 



affe 



wen t t 



le 



o school, had 



amed t 



^•usic 1 



'^ swim 



ad 



essons 



were m my birthdays 



special ^ym sessi 



ons 



rel ati 



» t':ere 



and 



eft 



V'^s and f 



P an ter stayed 



rionds came 



maJ-ce our 



^i th us fo 



'ortrai ts 



r months t 



o 



durinr: all h 



^inixers and 



s tr 



ours 



thi 



it was busy with 



nc players 



a I 1 



n^s, when tho siad 



sorts of 



ows be.-.an t 



our lif 



o cr "e 



o 



s to d 



OS troy evt?rvth 



P into 



in^ ti 



ere ever 



was 



I 

i 



P A M I I Y 



FRAGMENTS 



compiled 
written 

and 

edited 

by 



YOUR MOTHER'S 



SISTER 




MARIANNE 



I 




VI TH 
GRE.vT 

LOVE 

TO 

YOU 

ALL 



Chi cago 

Soptember 1982 
t:»kon by Rita's 
son Anthony 
I hrahim 



U E R i: L, noe SCHIPF. 




\ 



I N T .R D U C T I O N 



In his book *^^e.un ^hristophe" Ron: n in ^^ol i rjid 
excl aims : "^'eurs , Jean ^hristot)he, .'eurs, r>)ur 
revivre ! " ( Die , Jen ^hristonhe, ^ie, to live af^ain.) 
It happens frequently, that an end turns out to 
be anot.er be(;inning. -similarly, this hap-^ened 
to me, 

Preoccipied with death, I just received a book 
I had ordered "^^ow to L)ie wi tl; Uignity." -^y coin- 
cidence my friend L. came to see me and, bein^ in 
that mood, I showed him one of my diaries he had 
wanted to see already for a lon^x time. 
'^gain, by coj^nciilence, I saw Verale's poen in my 
diaryiwliich she had written after my mother's death. 
Like a flash it ,:ave me the idea to translate it 
f .r you and perhaps - I have other thin^^s in or^ler 

to make a collection. I did 

However, by translating these papers, I had been 

tempted at tires to use a little better /^r vmmar, than 

the originals. But t'en I decided to rer.ain as 

faithful as possible, although grammatical constellations 

freq'ientiy scened a bit awkward. 

Yo'i will ilso have to forgive mo of typing errors, 

but unfortunately, the piper I needed does not 

exist in an erasable quality. 

So here is some of the past and I shnll be :in with 

the description of the town where we grew up: 



B R E 3 1 A U 
(now called .t'rozlav,-) 



BREST A U 



A3 you see on the map, Dreslau is located like a 
spider Within a web surrounded by the f.amous cities- 
Vienna, Prague, Berlin. Budapest and V.sovie 
In those days these cities s.emed to be far awav 

yet, the I'olish border as well .s the one f 

, ^'^ ^^'o one from 

C^eechoslovakia was only an hour drive and ^ 

^^ D , . urive and travelllnr 

to Ber.in or Vienna was q„ite conmon r 

* common for people like 

my pi rents, 

Breslai ha i cxbout 600.000 people 

Aat.ou.. a .elauveiy s.alX tow.. ,. n.a Tou. theater,. 
TWO for plays only, one for Musicals ,^. one for 
Cabaret . 

T^ere was a concert hall for about 400 people ana one 
lor chamber music. 

An orchestra with two full tine conductors, a .adio 
statxon. a museun,. some swanky nightclubs with a 
band, where one could drink and dance until 4a m 
3o.e nice Motels, a castle with candlelight co^e:*, 
at txnes. A few movie theaters, a h*^e hall caUed 

Die Jahrhu^dert Halle" for exhibitions and a zoo 
Moreover. ^ opera, playing the entire season and'a 
University, faznous for Drahms composing the •■ • caH , 
festival there. -.cademic 



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M e i n 



Vatel Chen 



My father was the son of a rather well to do man 

who, together with others^ f uinded a fim cp.lled 

"Simon i^emh ird Levi.** (La ter: '*Schlesische Foumi erwerke . " ) 

Without any formal education, as well as bein^ very 

young to conduct a big business, my fattier was 

most probably the victim of perpetual criticism 

from the various partners incl . his o\/n father, 

FortTina tely , his father died soon and he was now 

placed in char/je as a full fie I/:ed T>artner. 

The business brought enouf^h money to supr^ort five 

families living quite well. 

There were abont 80 workers in the sa^/mill md a 

number of employees in their own office bull ling, 

"Sonnenplatz -r3f" ^o which Verale refers in one of 

her poems. 

Another office was maiy\tained in Berlin and .mother 
in Hamburg. 

I had been told, that my grandfather had boon the 

first millionaire in Dreslau. So my father had to 

struggle with ex-jerienced partners and I am quite 

certain, that it took him years before he felt to 

have been^accepted. " 

"Mein Vatel chen:" 

Arthur, Josua Schiff, bom 

June 12, 1881 in Dreslau, had been the ytjunger 

brother of ''>malia, called Malchon . (Mother of Use 

and .Vnnerr.ari e . 



/^^ 




♦ ♦••••♦♦ ••••^^••••••••* • •- 



Richard Schiff 



My grandmo t^ier loved M.ilchen, but not my father. 

'^^e wns perhaps not much to look at or bra^j about. 

A poor stu lent in school, reticent in all he did, 

he was freq .ently beaton, as -was the custom in 

those days. 

There was also a younger brother, named IHchard, 

bright and charming, who never married and died 

for Germany in 1917* 

Since Malchen died of cancer at an early a/^e, 

my grandmother was left with the one son, she 

never cared for. 

We, the grandchildren liked my grandmother very much. 

But Vatelchen only spoke in negative terms about her. 

Except for a little swimming or walking, my father 

shied most physical activities. 

But he loved flowers. The moment he was in the 

country, he would pick any little blossom placing 

it in his buttonhole, almost every week he brought 

s vme precious flowers to my mother. 

His birthday always began by having a heavy crystal 

basket filled with moss and the most expensive 

red roses wore cut short to fill the flat crystal. 

This, the maid placed on ny father's nighttable 

early in t'.ie noming, so when he woke up, he would 

smell the sweet perfume of roses. 



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Thus, my mother ha.l a 



ose tree r;lante<l 



on 



his r.r ve in Oxford, which frrew b 



e.-iMtifull V 



until she was bined ther 



e herself 



I had another rosetree plantei, whicl 



is still 



there, but t: 



lere is no su!)erintend 



ent anymore 



to main t.- in i t . 

One d.-.y Verale had t 



e idea to b 



rinfj some rose 



petals to her in I ondon , something 1 continued 



to do, until she be(;ged me 



not to do it anym 



ore 



Vatelchen was a thi 



nicer and verv fond of 



soDhis ti ca tod 



iterature and the the-ter 



3 a 



passion.'te chess pliyer 



he a 



most received t 



title oi: 



master 



M 



Frequen tl y ho al s 



o p! ayed 



skat md bil iard 



He felt to be a '"rerman Jew, but in 



r o t ro s n e c t 



I think he was t 



o 



o intern. itionaliy -riented to 



really feel "^erman." 

He avoided to be drafted in 191^ by intoxicati 

himself with ..ispilrin -- paid l.ir.-e 



nf: 



1 urn 3 o f m 



oney 



to my uncle Ise in Herlin 



who appeared t 



o have 



some 



»i 



pull 



He hated war from the very bottom of his soul 
His clothes were expensivi; but not very "chic 
1^1 ly aware of his respo ::sibi 1 i ti es , he had 



M 



/ 



r 



perhaps more* than he was able to carry. 

Consequently, when the Nazis apr>eare<! on the 

scene, he was too reluctant to consoliriate 

everytaing and leave ^erniany. 

'^e may h.we been a bi t too attached to his 

status, IS well as his possessions. Thus , the 

inttiitive irive to leave, as oppOsed to his 

awareness for his many responsibilities, 

genero-ted a tremendous pressure and a great 

deal of anxiety. 

^either could lie believe in Zionism \nd wou M 

bring all ;inds of arguments. 

•^cared of thp c »ming Vazis, yet not sufficiently 

courageous to go into the unkno\/n worM, 

he remained. 

Some came to propose leaving together, such >s 

my mother's brother Qeorg, who did .-^et out in 

time with all he had. >^i th his and my father's 

money, we would all be sitting today in "-'rasil 

quite nicely. 

But -- it was not meant to be, 1X% his inability 

to decide my father hoped, that these antisemf^Cc. 

threats wo ild ease, once Hitler reached the top. 




Wliat happened then, you know: 

1938 all synagogues were burning and male Jews 

were forced into concentration camps. 

So after he was in Buchenwald, he immigrated to 

England, where, as an ennemy alien he was nut a^ain 

into an internment camp about a year later. 

There, on my mother's birthday, he hung himself in 

the toilet with a belt 1 had mailed him for his 

birthday 




y^ 




l>-stf 



C^ ommen t : 

^e following letter written ,o. k 

was mailed after he wis i n n u "^ 

^ """^ ^" Duchenwald. iie broke 
has lee there, since he fell do,vn a Cli^^t of 
stairs. Intentionally - i ^.^3 ^^^^ 
But. wh.t really Ha.pe.ed. we .av nover ;.now. 

"ow .pset he was while writing this letter 
you mav r:otice th^f- -, i *-v, ^«ti;er 

' . '^^^' althou^:. ho Icnew it was a 

boyhe wr.tes •.! still dent Ico. her na.e, as 
well .3 his ropea,i.,, ,,, ^^^^^^^^^ ^^ 
about the nrime. ^ 

Or. Meidner- was a well Vr^ . 

In nr^ooT ^ouTi physician 

in Oreslau and a close frxend of m, p,,,ents. 

^exr son in the Con^o. a ,ood friend of .Uicel > 

J- met bin: with his family years -,^ v, , 

Alicel. ''^° ""^^^^ Visiting 

H£iil£: n,y ex-husband — i„i„g ^^,, 
money -^^ 



Interesting his intuiti 



son probably represents the future: 



AND SO IT 13 



on, tiiat Veral 



e ' s 



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December 2o , 1038 
My beloved children 

Tl">e Is rufl„in,T md we ,re r- , 

t":":cisrv^-'.^rrrd -^ ^-"-"'^^ -"f -bJir^ ^^^ '^•■'- *^« 

cut 13 done from f^e outside! "^"''"l^'^ '"d so 
And with you. (Iott- v 

"f whom I still do lll^: probably nevt to vou ,< 
Vo- in our though?,."' '"'°'' ^<^'- "-«. Vo w^re'./;^^' ,*\« *^^ture. 

/Trent de a vl th 

Hopefully the snHr^ ,. 

to London fron your ^'f!^ '"^ ' ' " "^ received . , 

^oe.s not vl.h to "o th:'!'" '" '"-' "-^ t ten V Oo^T'"^: ^"-Itatlon 
behave. "° ^'^«'-«- "nd 1 „ont know n^se^^ k* '^ ' '-""el 

-^yolf how we should 

Yesterday I wont nm- r 

very difficult. I ^ ^. ^^^ ^'^^ whom the fireweli . 

Anncmle very well ^"^^'^^ together with ann ^^ "'-^turally 

nurse, who knows 

^'esterday -^ vent to 

sentimental of ficer . 'Cho'^a^w'''^'' '° '^'^ "-^k. T>.e t^„ 
'^'eidner's want ro ^o to th ^'^^ '^^'^ t.'^-'iness wit,! ,. " "°''- 
tMn.s do not yet w^^rrou'^."^ ^'^^ ^" ^^- ^onj^ ^';,Th^ "J-t. 

an, stiJl paTu/\rb:,^^7;-- »ut. since you .-.re m b . 

or 15 d.,,rees. "^ "^ ' ^^ ^^ fitting, particularly wrth'^" ^ 

■^ - y with a cold 

So what is Ills n ,m« 

^^ov i. the bre.3t^Xr;re':i'^^ ""^^^'^ ^^^ ^^o.. ho ..i . 
a picture? ^ '""^ ^^^^ movomonts? -hen ,.11 / "*" ~ 

^ ^^ili we ^et 



Take c ire 



•>"br.icln^ you 

Your V tol 




beloved Verale 

I send you kindest regards, hope that you are 

well again to ncjurish your child, Vith the lines 

from -Salter we were very happy, mother speaJcs 

little --- she and Use very busy - 

today is auction, anrl feel quite faint with the 

thought where all the beautiful things mi^jht go! 

Last night Dr. Pincsohn took the boat. 

Regards for ^^alter to whom I desire a good life. 

Your i/rossmiittel 



Comments: ("rrossniu t tel Sc iff 



Grossmuttel Schiff grew up as an orphan- 
Both of her parents died during an epiclemy, 
(1 believe it was typhus) 

With her rather well to do husband, she was able 
to lertd a life of leisure. 

However with my grandfather's death, war and 
inflation she ended by depending a great deal 
upon my father, whom she disliked. 
(And my father disliiced her. . . . ) 

She was rather apprehensiv to die in a "Poorhouse" 

an idea she hated -- but that is the way it actually 

happened - 

Unfortunately • 
No one was able to help her. Ve all had to leave. 



Dr. Pincsohn : a gynaecologist, a distant relative. 

In I95S I saw him in Chicago wit': his non Jewish 
German wife. He lived in a very pretty house aiid 
elegant car. He invited me to a fine lunch at the 
Ritz while complaining bitterly about his diughter, 
^*e died a few years later, but his wife never kept 
in touch with any of us. 






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Gcnnan 



A. Schlff 
St. Anns Tower 
KirkstnlJ L.iiie. 
Fl. U 



Leeds 6 May 1^, I9/1O 



My dear,cle.ir M.irlaniie, 

Your last linos were soinewh.iL dlsttirbod, hut thore is 
certainly no reason for it. Did you receive a messa^je in 
the meantime? Yesterday we were in a very beautil\il pare 
near Leeds. 

Did you ever read Samuel liutler "The Way of all ^lesh?" 
It interested me, *le is a predecessor of Shaw. 
One sentence: Half the vices, which the world condemns have 
seeds of (jood and retiuire moder.tte use rather than total 
fibstincnce. Hy the way it is a Ciod believinf^ booK. 
1 do not read ^^emian anymore :iiid ^{jlish is still difficult 
for me whicli does not m.tlce mo unv wiser. 

With time the void becomes lar<:er. -'■ feel how it {;oes down- 
hill. Now 1 :\m as an/;ry that 1 did not remain in Oxforci as I 
am about many other thin^js • Accept things as they come is not 
the zenith of all wisdom. (Senile) 
Today is Heinz* s birthd^iy, 1 think of him with due respect. 

Keep loving 

Your Daddy. 

2^: Goethe said one that he could not ima^jine a crime of which 
he would not be capable, Muttel did not understand this 
sentence, i3u t thanks to Goethe's remark it becomes more 
comprehensive. It depends on the motives as well as the 
intensity of feelings. The worst are the indifferent ones, 
they go to hell firs t. (UcUi te) 



As a present for my birthday in 19^^f Muttel 

copied the following fragments of Vatel'u writings. 

I do not remember ever seeing amy of the originals 

and I find it rather strange, that Muttel never 

showed them to me. 

I suppose, the xerox machine never entered her 

mind and she did not want me to copy them while 

spending my vacation with her. 

She probably cherished them very highly.. 



As an example of her attacliment! 
She slept on my father's bathrobe below her 
bedsheets, until she was obliged to live in a 
Nursing Home 



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April Ist, 1902 
(21 years old) 



AS a child I implored the God of children In my daily prayer: 

I am a ^reat, (jreat sinner, listen to my fervent prayer' 

I read .ind rend, and I lost the old children's God - 

A believer appeared to me to bo a fool - religion only satire. 

The world consists of atoms only 

I said it every day: 

"There is no God in heaven above, Uenr this! 

VThoever wants to hear!" 

And I meant this beliof had greater valuo than onythinr else - 
I had to rob the world of its God, 
I thought myself to lye very wise. 

And then I learned to Icnow the world. 

Saw labor, tomient and sorrow 

It nearly broke my heart :"Kee[^ your God" 

And be it only the God of Bacchus 

or be it one of forests and valleys 

or be it the God who feeds your bellies 

or be it Mrs. Venus only 

Man must have a steady God - 

Some call it an "ideal," 

It helps man bear his sufferings, 

it spices his meas. 

So stop yoM realists, the lie is so beutiful - 

A victory of yours - 

Mankind would perish without consolation. 



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June 20, I903 



CULTURE f 

WTiat did you do to mankind : 

A wretched fiG:ure in comparison to wh it he had been 

placejT which you did not yet penetrate. 



and in 



He was a flower, today he is a working and thinking machine, 

VThat good is it, that we only have to press a button, to 
see all miracles of Western and liastem culture — take 
only two steps to race with tremendous speed to the most 
distant parts of the globe, to sleep on the softest 
paddings ;uid to delight in the most delicate food. 

Hypocrite -- With all these worldly posessions you do not 
replace one of those solemn moments filled with serene 
happiness which man would experience deep in i lonely 
forest surrounded only be the elements of nature. 

Yes, even more - If for any reason, we would be deprived of 
these "necessities" we feel that, what appeared to be of 
no inportance, now turns out to be a terrible burden and 
deprivation. 

You took away nature's lively fire, •'^lowly and tired we 
creep along, moaning and sighing under the burden of a 
thousand year development, t^ach one almost a crippley 
each decrepit at one point or another, 
"Mature cultivated people." 



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Sinflood 19^2 (July) 



Sevenhoundred thousand Jews 
Death - gased - murdered. 

Whose dreadful sins have they been paying for? 

Millions of soldiers - women and men are a^ain 

bein^ sla9ghtered. 

Flowers and grass are soaked with blood 

>Vnd I imagine mud and bodies without limbs. 

Houses are falling 

Children calling 

Windows breaking 

And nerveraking sirens go on and off 

Sinflood 19^2 

Four irears ago July 2nd 19^^ 

Four years ago and a day 

You were still alive. 

The ray of the sun shone upon your face 

And I am sure you must have felt 

Its warmth - and loved it. 

Four years ago and one night 

Your heart beat fast 

And you felt the hour near 

That would stop its frightened beat 

And stop the pain and joy of life. 

Four ye irs cigo in the morning 
You ended your life by free will 
Wish God that you found peace then 
And sleep a happy sleep. 

four years hence to-day 
might sleep 

the sleep of death 

But I shall have lived a happy life 

You - my father - be blessed! 

Vera 19^^ 




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March 3, I903 



"Always look to the stars 
but yoM will never reacli them 
So root firmly on the ground 
^earn to jump, but never fly." 



Concerning RODIN'S SCULPTURES 
in the Palais de Luxembourg: 



Never did I see so much life in dead marble. 
Some of his works reflect a tenderness that 
one may believe only women's hands coild have 
produced such soft shapes. 

On the other hand some physiognomies frighten 
us with such a strong expression, that one 
would like to doubt, if the artist's genius 
did not even exaggerate life's cruelty. 
In each feature expression shows a particular 
individuality, ^erything made such an impression 
that it was impossible for me to see other 
things. Like magic, it pulled me back time 
and time again, until the Museum closed. 



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Marseille, September I903 



Two so'ils Joa.led eictrically 
:Jxc}w-ui,';e only n look 
In Khich the souls .re dro,/nin/T 
Call it love - caJJ it happiness. 



Sparks are jumping; across 
In li ' ac hlie ' i^ht 
'Vri'l r! rkness comes a^ lin 
■^nd ni-rlit follows thn in-'t 



(Ma J nine '. . ) 



^uiy 17, 1903 



England is the land of whisky 

Germany the home of beers -,nH .» - ^ 

oeers and "i>chnapses , " 
France of wine 

"Voil^! Judge it Monsieur! 



Common t : 

He was too young to understand,. 
If he wo^ld have been ^le to re.li^A fh 
profoundly rooted princip ea nf * 

in comparison wi th'^GeSy ! he T.nV:"' 
found the strength to leave G™ir v,^^''" 

In'that""''" *° '"'^''^^ therr';o™rr "''" ''"' 



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January 3, 1903 
(22 years old) 



"If in the tumultous noise of life 

Lonely people meet one another, 

LoBBly fo.nd - profoundly f el t 'opinions exchange, 

It goes like spasm through their souls. 

Two meteors bom in glow - lost in the world 
Greet each other 
'♦-nd are flying off." 



f^ 



BEFORE YOU KN!=:WHER: 



December 1, 1903 



From his sketchbook: 



The gre it danger which the more and more 
growing ntheismus carries with it, consists 
of the sentiments and feelings, which are 
being neglected. E>ven when the educator is 
convinced of the non-validity in religion, 
he should educ \te the children religiously. 
So, let us combat the growing crrjelty of 
the spirit. 




!y mother with 
r\ statue 



She was 30 - 

in Nordemey with some 

of the musicians 





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YOUR M I 



MY MOTHER 



Gertr d Schiff , bom Kraft on July 2nd, 188? in 

Lisaa, (Posen) was the 11th and youngest child. My 

grandfather had 6 children with his first wife and, 

after she died, married her sister Theresa Jacoby, 

with whom he had 5 more children. 

My grsindfather suprised everyone, when he bought a 

new carriage for his 11th child, which astonished 

my grandmother, claiming: 

"The old one was good enough for 10 - so it should 

be good enough for 11." 

Still, my grandfather anticipated my mother's birth 

with particular Joy, for which my grandmother had no 

understanding. As i t hap'^ened, my mother was the only 

one, who inherited his muaiccil talent - and the only 

one with black hair and dark eyes. 

'^e died, when my mother was two yenrs old. 

There was little money, no insurance smd no social 

security. But it seems, that my grandmother had an 

unmarried brother, who probably helped her. 

From these 11 chi dren 5 survived whom I knew: 

Srail, Ise, Georg, Gretel and ^oris. 

My mother never could get over the loss of her beautiful 

sister Claire, who died of a heart disease at age 19* 

There was ajiother sister, whose son married KAthe. 



iXX^ 



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Thus, my mother ^ew up anong many siblinrs. 
A poor student In school, my n:ot.;er played the 
l^iano to everyone's enjoyment in times, when there 
were no movies, nor radio, television, or record 
players, hly mother spoke of an elderly lady giving 
her piano lessons, but serious studies w±th pro- 
fessional musicians began only, after she married 
my wealthy father. 

My mother had perfect pitch and a rem .rkable memory 
for music. All musicians, who knew her. adored .-uid 
loved to play with her. For e;can:ple, when indisposed 
singers needed their music in a somewhat lower or 
higher key, she Just played their pnrt without any 
problems, ^uring: orchester concerts, she would 
suddenly ''sigh,- when a player forgot playing a sharo 
or a flat. 

She gave piano lessons in a school, when she met my 

fatner. ^t was a -^match." 6ne day, my grand-mother 

called after one of her sons:"?ind someone for Trude!" 

And so my father was "found." 

He was no "asanova. At age 29. ne.^lected by his parents 

and working in his f ther's office, he probably felt 

inclined to think of a marriage. 

"e knew, that my motr.er had been chosen for him. but 

my mother had been left "in the dark." 

And so they were introduced to each other in a theater. 

Ten days later they got engaged while in a museum, 

and married within three months on June 19, 1910. 



Thirty years 1 ter, Verale picked June 19 for cele- 
brating my mother's birthday, since my father's 
suicide took place July 2nd, 19^^ -(»ny mother's birthday) 
June 19, 19^1 became my day of freedom, since "peace" 
was declared, while Petain shook Hitler's hand. 
It was the day, when the captain of Gurs proclaimed: 
"Sauve qui peuti" (lEAVE!) 

My mother wanted six children, however, after Verale 
and myself, she was pre^rn.ant three more times, but in 
vain. The last one in 192U, when the baby was expected 
any day, but strangled itself on its own 'ombilical cord. 
I do not remember ever seeing my mother in the kitchen. 
I am quite sure, that she never cooked, cleaned, sewed, 
washed or ironed. She left these tasks to the "help." 
uur girls were usually recommendations from neighbor- 
hood stores and became paurt of our life. 
My mother insisted, that they be c:\lled "Miss -* The 
girls felt flattered and tried their best to please. 
Vhlle hiring them, my mother sugcTested not to accept 
any tips from our guests, since she thought this to be 
degrading. ^ do not know wh .t these gir'.s -"ctually did, 
but I do renember the laughter l-tf» at night, when our 
rather well to do guests wished to leave sone money 
and my mother tried to convince them otherwise. 



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The high pile of books on my mother's nighttable seldom 
changed, she even read while knitting our clothes. At one 
point she tried to learn "Braille" with the idea to copy 
books for the Blind, "whether or not she succeeded, escapes 
me. How long she tried to learn - I do not remember. 
/Kile living in the Nursing Home and diagnosed as being 
"legally blind" she admitted, reading to be rather difficult. 
•-*fter arr.inging»/a library service with large print books, 
supply her with a list of titles and ^^Y her a stand 

to make it more comfortable, she broke out in tears to thank 
me. It was the only time I ever saw her crying.... 
She felt our love and knew our needs. 

•fhen she went on trips, each one of us got a box wi th a 
present for every day she was away. Verale opened them all 
at once and then appeared to envy me, when I had a daily 
suprise. "DONT STAND aRoUND* D SOMETHING," she would say 
to us, so that we had to think of something to do, 
Vhen we were two years old, we had a daily music session. 
With great care she taught us the story and the music of 
Humperdinck' "Hilnsel arnd Gretel," before she took us to 
see it. I was four.... 

Ac age 12, she h.uided me over to a professional musician 
and begam to take me to concerts and operas. 'WTien I was 
hospitalized with scarlet fever, while my parents were on 
vacatioi , they returned immediately. Twice daily my mother 
sent a maid with cooked food wrapped in lots of newspaper, 
so I would be well nourished. 



'^ 



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On the other hand, I was obliged to walk to and 

from school by rain or shine, ice or snow, which for 

a six year old, took about an hour each way* 

I suffered. 

But - perhaps it was good training for difficult 

times to come 

When my father slapped me, she did not ta'. k to him 
for a week, ^ut she slapped me, when I refused to 
say "hallo" to someone she met in the street. 



Goethe said: "Show me your friends and I can 

tell who you are." 

Thus, to see my mother's personality in greater 
detail, here is a rough outline of her siblings 
and some of her friends: 

EMIL: the oldest brother, with whom my mother only 
had a lo^se relationship, was a«i/ealthy man in the 
lumber business. His son, Julius, became a known 
professor of philosophy, who cUso played the piano 
very well. Consequently, whenever they met, they 
played together. After Ju ius' death, his wife, who 
later became the head librarian of the Science '-'ept. 
in -<ueens College, became my friend. 

ISE: helped my father substan tially Kf;iu^l»his connections 

to avoid the battlefront during the 1. world 
war. 



{\ 



He had two children , Val ter and E^va, who both immigrated 
to London. W'alter became a solicitor with little relation- 
ship to the family, while Eva, a headmistress in a special 
school, visited my mother frequently and so I met 
her a^ain and we became friends. 
GEORG t Georg and my mother loved each other. 
Vhen she was 18, he invited her for a trip^the Adriatic- 
and for her 70th birthday, he came from Brasil to Leeds, 
to pick her up for a trip to Switzerland. 
George married Hedel^ with whom my mother had a close 
friendship, "^ey laughed a lot, went together on trips 
during the summer with their children and U8(plus a 
babysitter) and also visited each other. Georg lived 
in DGsseldorf, which was quite far, yet they managed. 
Long before it became difflcul tj Georg went to Sao Paulo 
with his family. His son Peter is now a well known 
cabinetmaker, haS two children aind now 8 grandchildren, 
Georg' s wife had a brother in Breslau, a dermatologist, 
who visited my mother at times. 

Usually she received him while lying on a sofa -- which 
bothered me to the extend, that ^ told her so. Never- 
theless, she continued to do so. 

GRETEL: The oldest sister was like a substitute mother 
since there was an age difference of more than 20 years. 
Gretel married Ludwig, who was not too popular with 
the rest of us. He wore a moM.stache, spoke loud and 
rough, which was frightening. They lived near Poland, 
but ^retel managed to be with my mother often, always 
inclined to cry for whatever reason. 

She had two sons, Albert and Jullu. Albert developed 
to be like his father and Jullu like his mother. 



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Georg in Brasil 
with his son "'emer 
(who committed suicide) 
and his gran.lchild. 
1970 



Georg, about 90 yrs old 






peter Kraft's grandchildren in Brasil 




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y raother's bolove'i 



sister Gretel 



wi th he 



husband I udwi(; and her 
2 sons, '^bert and Jull 



u 



Gretel as £rr 



wi cJi Jull 
Jack and Rita 



ffran'!mother 
u ' s children 



Jullu with his wife Betty 
and his son Jack 




The 



present c^Jnern t-« on 



Jack's son Jim with his bride 




Jaqueline Getzel 
their baby bom I983 





Jullu, about 85 yrs old and 



rr.vself in 



:icago 



1982 




Jullu 's d?iuffhter Rita 
(married to Dr.Nabil Ibrahim) 
with her children , >.nthony 
and Nina. 




Doris vith 
husband ancJ 
Heinz. 1926 



ler 
son 



Albert had no children, but Jul lu had two, Jack and 
Rita, who both look like their father, but Rita in 

particular, like her grandmo ther-- 

my mother's most beloved sister ^retel. Yhen I met 

Jullu after aiore than 20 yeirs of separation, we 

took to each other imrr.edia tel y , v-invi ted me for my 

summer vacation to his house in ^'.ilwaukee. 

DCR13 : married a rich man and was the only sister, who 

lived with us in Breslau. My mother and Doris did not 

like each other for many reasons and only "met" when 

they "had to." 

Doris had three children, Kflthe, Margot and Heinz. 

K&the loved my mother as if she were her daughter, 

hatinc her own mother from the bottom of her herirt. 

Margot married a German physician and remained in 

'-'ertnEmy. fhen Heinz married in ^gland, my mother went 

to that far away place to attend his weddin<^, although 

she had very little money to do so. 

Needless to aid, that my mother also kept in touch 

with Kflt:ie's two sons, who both married and again 

have children. 

These were the brothers and sisters, but there were 

also cousins with whom my mother had a close 

relationship : 

TRUDC GCTT>ri'-F: a beautiful woman, who married .1 man 

who corsmitted suicide and left her with two little 

daughters. The family was shocked. 

Unprepared for any kind of a job, the family gave her 

money to open a millinary shop on Kurfflrsten Damm in 

Berlin. About 10 years later, she >\\w.f ^'^A "^ nike man, 



.1971 Kathe in my mother's 
Nursing Home 



£972 KUthe at her son's 
Thomas wedding. 



The son of my f:r:arlno thor ICrtft's brother: 



Dr. Curt Jacob y; 

One of my most cherished friends who 
helped ne t.. rough difficult times for very many years 




a director of a department store, with whom she had 

another son. ^he died after a few years, when the son 

was still snail. 

CUT^T JACOBY: A physician and an ardent Zionist, with whom 

my mother only had a lose relationship - but who became 

in later years one of my most cherished friends, 

UNCIE FELIX: '^heir friendship started when my grandmother 

sent my mother to Leipzig for a vacation. She was about 

l4. Felix and his lister Anne were about the same age. 

Felix played the violin and Anne the piano. 

They must have had a most wonderful time together, since 

that summer their relationship grew into a friendship, 

which bridged over more than 25 years. 

*^^y mother maintained the correspondence (perha'^s they saw 

each other) and spoke about them to us. 

Thus, when I was stranded in ^-ondon during difficult times, 

I called -- and they gave me shelter. 

'i/hen my mother became a widow and lived alone in Leeds, 

Felix visited her often with his violin to play with her. 

Gradually he assumed the role of a brother and took care 

of everything she needed until the end. 

Their relationship was so c ose, that my mother often 

threatened Felix with: "Dont you dare dying before me..." 

^e told me that, if he ha dared to do so, she would have 

said, "you did it on purpose" -- we both laughed at the 

Idea, but it Just sounded like my mother. 

And so only a few years after my mother died, he died too. 



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D«ceob«r 8th 1975 



My d^ar Maz*lanfltt, 



Thank you ao vary much for your baautiful Poat Card of 

Tumar'a Muaic Party at PatiAirth and your kind 

Chanukkah lattar. I am ao ^lad that you are atlll fit 

to maka Plana for ^artin^ton and all your partlas and 

fas tlvl ties. I thank you for your kind Vishaa and aand 

you our vlahaa for the coming year. 

I an ^lad you hoard the Scottish NationaJ. Orcheater and 

aav John Kltto. He ia a very nice boy. 

We are living a very quiet life and I have bean ^ettin^ 

very weak of late. So ve han^ on with patience* 

I aend you my love and kind wishes. 



AJ.1 the best 



Your Felix 



ent:His last letter to oa. 

jphn Kitto, a cellist, is the son of his sister. 

Ann, his sister waa a close friend of my mother, 
a ^ood pianist and married to Profeasor Kltto, 
apeciaJLlzed in Greek History. 




Martel,67 with her lister, Leeds 





Dr. *!a:c Plossner 
with his wife Lottel 
freq:ent quests at 
our house 



Lottel 
in London rem-^ined a 
close friend to a : of us. 




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'Felix, ny mother and 
Jonny , i eeds 1962 




Felix with his wife 
'Vinnie at Thomas* 
wedding in London 

1972 (a few months 
after my -mother's 
death) 



I 



A very special friend was my father's sister: 

HAICIIEN: She died of brenst cancer ar: J left f..'o girls, 

Use and ..nnenie, at the a{je of about 12 ye^rs, 

^'hey contir.ued living with their father, until he too 

had to be ::os ita^ized, atvi t'.e«^ they lived with 

grandmother Schiff. 

My mother trie^l her best to take care of the.T. , but there 

were a number of obstacles, which would lead too far to 

explain here. 

The fact remains, that my mother s:cceeded to win their 

love and both fjirls became Verile^as \vell as rr.y friends. 

But aside frorj my mother's rather iar:^e fair.il y , she also 
had friends, but they seemed to have disappeared with 
the exception of one, who adored my mother in particular, 
and who played later a major role for my mother as well 
as for me, this was: 

>'.ART''A ST:!:T.'\I 1 Z ; She was a hunchback, who never married 
and had three sisters like herself, w^*om she managed to 
brine: to Leeds. She was a quaker and had left ^ermr^ny 
many ye^rs a^o. 

Pa?»siona tel y interested in noli tics, she was suprised, 
that my rr.otlier never re ul a newspaper. "3ut you rrust do this!" 
'•'hereMpon my mother retorted, "but then my h':sban! could 
not tell me any thine: -" ^o * my mother never read a paper, 
even after my father's death. 

In I93S, my mother decided to move to Leeds, honing that, 
by bein/; in the sa;r.e town as Martel, it m-.y bring her 
some piano students and perh .ps some soci'il connections. 
(She must have plajined this long ago, since she snbjected 
herself t :> maJce her examination as a music teacher nrevionsly. ) 



This happened, but not as soon and not as much as 
she wo ;ld have liked. Nevertheless, when ^ talked to 
a friend, wh-i lives in Leeds he said, that some people 
still remember playing with her -- which was more then 
13 years ago. 

FMB (Franz Maria Bachman ) 

TTiis relationship had its beginning during the first 
Vorld War, when people were "invited'* to mail packages 
to service men without a family. Thus, my mother began 
mailing packages to someone, who wrote back to thcink her. 
During the ensuing correspondence my mother asked for 
his profession ajid so he answered that he was a painter. 
After the war they continued writing to each other and 
one day, he appeared in our house. My mother expected to 
see an average fellow, who could paint her walls. 
Great was her sunrise, when a man arrived wearing a 



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monocle, bald, in an open shirt and kneebreeches . 

was about 6ft. 5 - 

He did not paint any walla, but portraits. 

Their friendship grew amd lasted till the end. H^ painted 

my father, Verale and me. *^e lived with us for months 

at a time, they met in Switzerland during the summer and 

obviously had a good time together. 

Later, he wrote an official letter in which he explicitly 

declared, that as a German Aryan (he wrote "Deutscher 

Christ") he could no longer identify himself as being 

a German, that he met too many particularly nice peoole 

among Jews, and that his many Jewish friends were being 





•*tiUl'-k 






"Chez moi" 



T 
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A drawing made by 
Gretel KorOszl 
in Leeds 



♦ ny parents while we 
lived in Breslau 



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persecuted t„ ^ ^^. 

*"'■" '° "— Uvxn, ,,,,, ^^l:' -';--^ib:e ror 

(He did) dec^sxcn to con-.it suicide. 

•^" letter vr.s :>.bU,he.: by the-, ..-•., 

- 7CV..3 later vera'e tq «j — *~ ' '• 

' <^"- ^^"— nate.v. the a^swe! •-/";" '^^'^'^ '^' -^^^^ 

nd bu.-.ed ever. ,.„,,. doc^e. t . ^ .hi^; .^ "•: ""^^"^ 
their «rchiv.-s. '^••'^>' •^'1 in 

Vou n=y see his pict,re wi . , ^^ 

booic. ,..her^ veraae ProudI ..• '.V,, , "^ " '" ""'-^ ^-^°- 
■Htar un her bathing ,uit. " ^"^"-"i^e^ed 

."or mv Ijt'i hi r-*.Aj 

• -^ "irtnday he gave »,« a olctur. ■ 
<^one in v.torcolor. ^erale ..i:e. „ " '''^"^" 

-ote to n. pax-ents which I ^ d r ' '"■''' "^"^^ ^^ 

3 P-t:res for you in .y .,^1, ^'"^^'- ^° ^-^-^ -re 




•member ; 

~i:2^ier. the conductor «r 
»y mother btudi*^ ^^^^ opera wl t-h u 

i»tjclied, and his ir^ ^i ^ ^ ^^o« 

I^un^k- A „. «^^i friend 

— — ifiiS- A marvellous C^,^ 

^2nnenfeld.4 ,. *" '^''^«'' 

My mother •^. ^^ ^^o-tln. 

wuner studied with t 
from Bor±<, r -^oaaph and Vpral. ^ 

ooris. Later Bnri , k ^^raie took lesanr.- 

n^^4. oris became ^h-> ^ -^wasona 

"•Pt. at .ueens CoUe.e i„ ^' *"' ='^^^"- "^ the .M.„, 

* "- Soris 1 called, when V' 
;-ai„ an, „,,,,, ^^^ introducti "" '^ '^"'^^ "-^c 

^^^=i-^^^:£H2d.. a viouni. ; *''• ""^^-^ Trio 

socially b.,T ~^^--°" t'o^nlBtr hla.eij. ^»« 

^y. but neteer play,d ^i.. ' =^« to us 

L- oJ.aer woman ^^w 

^^^==^2rzienrat Sterj^ber:.. an^ ''"'''•'' '^ '»> Brahm. 

^^thou^h n,y -.o;;;r:7::^. ,r*'"' -^^^^^^.t. 

-cepted hl„ for wh.fv.; ^ "'''^ ""•vfe^"*. -h. 

"-ought her alway, lar.e/ "' "'""''''^-— • he 

-- -3 -.e .arden.T lirS':' "■^"""^ "-- 
"-. vhlch n,ay h.ve flattered^ "''' """^ ^-^^n. 

*»>«' he continued to callT '''' "'"^ *° -"il. at .. ' 

= -ii her-onadlffe Frau. . •• "*• *"» 

And then there vere fh 

"'•e the musicians I h„ 

i do not ramsmber 



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in S><>liSn^ 




iJ.von Pozniak 
Crirl Freun i 
Joserh Schuster 



The couples my rother invited to rlay chess or s':at 
with ny f..cher I clo rcrr.ember : ^-cii. 

Dr. losner, a dentist 

Dr. .'i.essner, an internist 

Dr. Laband 

Dr. iincsjhn,a ::yn.ieco ] oc^i s t 

i.antorowi tz, a rese.-.rcher m chemistry 

and more .... 
iknt evenings for my fpt :er me-^t, t^at mv mother had to 
** entertain" the sr?ouses. 1 doubt, if she like^l this 
.he -onet-.es pu ^ed -. short cic^r, or knitted. 
Apnies ..-ere never -^rve'J, ^inc. shp conic! not to'er-te the 
soujid vheji ^f-onie chewed them. 



So t is was my .^other's 1 i f e : ICoeping .^^ j^^,^^^ hanrw . vacation 

trips, our •..•eifare .nd ed .ic. tior , the household, the 
weekend house, the evenin,:s filled witr. cliess, s:;at, music, 
oncerts. plays, c barets. intoi tations ^ the luncheons 

. with relatives, ouf of tox^-n ,T.iests, the after- 
noons with numerous birthday parties and other obli^ra tlons . 

Thinkin- about her living in Leeds so utterly alone, 
deprived practically of all her belon<;inT3. slee-.ing in that 
cold attic with my father's bathrobe un ler her bed5j:.eet 
she must hive been profoundly depressed, 

Zveryone she loved or knew, was either deal, far avny or 

had an unknow destiny, riow sad and lonely she nnjst have been. 

Yet, she zianaced - as you well know. 



L eeds 
19^6 




One of the m.st interesting- aspect of her person lity 
±a the asto-ojidin^ strength wit!, which she tried to ke-p 
family and friends togetner. 

At a critical point in that time - in 1940 - she wrote 
me the address of Feli:t's brother in New I'ork. By sheer 
coincidence, this actually saved my life and ^ot me out 
of Gurs • 

'.-hen I arrived in New York, she wrote me the addresses of 
everyone sh«? Icnev. 

.atnou(rh 1 did not like my cousin ^bert. for ny mother 
he w-.s the child of her most beloved sister ^retel ind 
she insisted, that - should ke^p in touch with him. 
^hus, 1 fo. :nd through Albert his brother Jullu as well as 
Curt Jacoby. 

It was Jullu. who was behaving like a father to ne. when 
I visited them in Milwaukee. ^*e w-:s the one. vho brought 
me to a vocational service, whose social worker convinced 
me. that - should try to take up music again professionally. 
And taere are many more of my mother's connections, who did 
extraordinary things for me, contributing to alrrost 
everything: I am today. 

It almost feels like a mystery - as if rry mother had the 
intuition to malnta:Ln relationships with so many, so that 
I may benefit. 

For how well she succeeded, there is no expression.. 





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VCR orlnn«rt sioh nodi an TKllDb SCl.Ii-V7 nroslau, ICal:9cr Vii.helmatr« 179 7 

Oder violltlcht an AUTIIUI: SCiari-*, ichloalscho Foumlom/erkc, Sonncnplatz 3 7 

VER bcsuchto uns violloici.t zu «ir cm "=»chach odor ^kat Abend wiihrend ir. 
Muslkzinunor Joseph Schuator, Jasbiia I^ornstein, Carl Freund, Joseph 
Schwaz^ odor viole Andoro horrliche Muailc machton ••von Schubert, 
BcethovoHf Uralims bis i^obussy oder "sojar Hindemi-rh" ••? 

^R besuchte uns zu den vorjnUgtcr Schtllerkonzerten voi. der Geijenlahrerln . 
HANNA SCfC'iACIC? (Wo mac <^^^ wo^^^ scin^ ) 

VEIv ass wohl die gutcn iCuchcn, liebevoll gebac.vcn voi: Triuieir* Hanne" 

(Mt deis Zwicker auf dcr Nase und dc-i Doppeii>J.rjn'» } ^ 

Oder VER canzte mit der fcdchcn Marianne Tru-.^jo oa^r *'<x.:bz.': 

VER fuhr Ski nit der rundlichen Vera in-ocicr nicnt tn do;; ICarncrader.? 

Giot es nuch solchc. diu sich erlnr.ern wollcn?. ^ .. 

ur.bokannten Dckonnten, dcnn am 23 .Mai dieses J.xJnrc^ ibt nicin *.uttclc^'.en, 

unsex'c Ocii, iXire Trud* Schiff, gcb. Kraft, san* t einceschlaf en. Vnscre » 

Trauor isc ^ross* 

MIT IhLi verschwj.nci'jn die li-no^r In de:. Mon*rhor .r :1 -ar. 



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on.. a nun end^ ixt.!^ Mi4^ 

MlT-iHR verschvlndon dlo br. cfo voider Licbe und I.iteresae rtlr diw v<.r- 
schwioGcndaten Utiitj^cho und GenUilo. 

MIT IlIR ist unscre Ka.iil.'.c \inci \in icr ^Voundoskieia ^ndg-iitl^ in die » 

"v^rrTAntjcno (*.« .Tonwart" cer.'«'>-iccn , 
MIT ITIR : tftrbcn alio r;oinoir;Gru:»cn ^rinno runner. 

4'j\ die monatlichc Va:*chfrau 
An unser iCindcnnAuchcn i'rau Caspcrlco 

An die verblichcnen Namon v:n Menacx.v.n, Liobe :ial faj.r».n, C^acliichaft" 
.\U8nu^en, i'^erienreiien, Gei-urtstac>:n und alios all3& 

Unser ^oliebtos Muttelchen Velcher "^e^eii Jottes eine sol.:.c 

Muttor bosesaen zu haben* 



Vera Po?or, (E/tan) gob. Schiff 

5$' Mc^f^adin 

Rafflat Gan* laraol 



."^!.^ iar.ro Ecel , jcb, Schif. 
76 i<lvcisrv.w Orivo 
New York 10024 



VHO may still rerr.enber TRUD3 3C!iIFF? 

Breslau, the street of iinperor .Villiain number 179? 

Or perhaps ARTIIU.l 5CHIF7 of the '*5ilesicm Veneer Manufacturing" 
Sunny Pl.ice nui^ber 3? 

■.iHO perhaps, paid us a visit for a chess or sc^t evening • 
while in the .-nusic room Joseph Schuster, Jascha i-ierr. stein, 

Carl 'reund or many others made won 'erful music 

From ^chubert, Beethoven, Brahms to ^ebussy or "even Ilindemi th? •• 

WMD visited our happy student concerts of 4anna Schir.ack? 
( tTiere mp.y she be now?) 

VHO ate the good c .kes lovin/rly prepared by >:iss -Irnne - 
with the pincenez on her nose and a doub'e chin? 

Or, -^'HO danced with the chic Marianne a tan^n or a rur.ba? 

WHO went on skis wit the "roundly" Vera from or not fr^^m 
the "Comrades?" 

Are there sti'l people, wio wish to rer:ember? 



In this case mourn with us - unknown friends, because 

on May 25, tiis year, my "fclu t telchen " our Omi , your 
Trude -^chiff, born l.raft, softly went tr) eternal sl:?ep. 
Our mourning is jrer.t, 

VITH HER disappear the children within us and we are 
obliged to be adults ''^or good." 

WITH HER dis ^^pear the letters fall of love r'nd interest 
for the most sec et wishes and emotions. 



WITH HCR our far.ily and circle of friends definitely 
entered the '^past present. •• 

WITII llZn died all memories we ha^; in comr. on : 

the monthly washerwoman 

our nurse, Mrs ^asperke 

•nnd the now f^ded names of oeople, l-^ve nff^irs 
parties, excursions, travels, birth-iays r>nd every thin^. . everthin.T 

Our beloved ".'ru t te ' chen" hat blessing of God t- hnve 

had such a mother. 



Vera (l?72) 



Comnient : 



The time to which V.rale refers here^s about 1926 . 1 



932 



Hanna Schmaclci was her violin teacher, a particularly 
usly woman with buck teeth, but obviously quite popular. 
Joseph Scnu,ter = a cellist - a young Russian. Jewish 
refugee, who spoke very little «ennan. The successor of 
the famous Gregor Piatigorsky in the Poiniak Tr±o. 
Professor Bronislav von V.ir.i.w . ^^s my piano teacher. 
To be one of hi, students was considered a great honor In 

reslau, since he only worked with professionals and I 
was no more than 12 years old when he accepted me as 
his pupil. 

Carl freund ; a young German, who played the violin In 
the Poznlak Trio. 

All of them played with my mother at all hours, at time, 
til dawn - while my father went to bed or played chess 
or skat in our library. 



PS: Ko alcohol nor wine was ever served at any time!! 










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^epter:ber 12, 1967 



'iy ^eioved, 



-■» reaction a 
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was 



^ ^ ^ i.j..ne in teres tAH 

P-y for you. in what was I ., 

clever?? Vaiter had been in i .r,'. ' ^^d 

»^cen in London ove-r j*,,,,^ 

works alre..dv verv nurh ^ "^nday, David 

. ^ ery nucii , -dna c- 



~^.. , \*ijrt cam** T-rt * -^ 
^he buy, .la ,o,ts Of th.„ -, J "^ '-°''''^' 

spoona. fod.v .t .on t. ' "'"' "'^" •""-^ --^ 

no -n they .-nade a do-ihi *» ^ 

^een t.e l-st one .n the house "' "'"' "--^ 

'^i^' the Pint your room ni = elv-> -^en , 

■T,., , ^ ^' °" ""^o te'.enho-e- 

that -^ 1 -»T-/r- r*-i -^^ ^•'iiu..e. 

rge circle you have' ^is^ ,o„,. 

j-se continnp* *.« 

"^®^ to conic often 



* ten-Ver kis.s .-n 



y Beloved, Jear 



es 



iour .Vutki 



January I3, 1953 



My Beloved, 



there is so much •« « ^« »_ 

1^^^ " •^^^ on® ^f your 

letters, that ir ^- ^ /o«r 

that It is impossible for me to answer 

even hair of it!! answer 

Did you again receive an -a- fro. Pace? I . . 

the pictures ^d artici. whose voicT ou Jw:;:"" 

your wor. - such famous p.opi. . ,„. .J^/^Zl 
all thlsf! Ray win coo. back .o„„ n . ""•""" 

V. have a iot of .now and ic^ 1 " '^*'°"* '""' 

nobody comes! - It wo Id h .' "" '""^ ^''•• 

Y . t wo Id be nice to play trio- 

Yes. about Val I „ad everything. 

li.e read the book already „any y,ars ago. 
A tender lUss. my dearest 



^our Mutka 




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To mv clilldren, 

I only wanted to tell you, that the two little chests of 
drawers are the property of Peter Kraf t (KUthe ' s son) and 
that Kurt left them have me only for use during my lifetime, 
but belong to the purchase of my whole bedroom, I should 
like to have them back without further discussion. 

Your mother 
This letter, dear Marianne may be completely past - I 
shall try to tell timeless things, i'^or example, that the 
son of Kurt Gadiel will be passing here. ^Ise thought him 
nice. I made them a present with a tablecloth for X2.-. 
It seema, that she was very happy about it. Furthermore, 
the matron was pushed off the bus and she has a swollen 
blue eye. Thanks *^od , it is not too bad. Then this morning 
a welfare officer came to see me in connection with Braille. 
'*'lse spoke of "talking books", something that you proposed 
years ago, I need a certificat from a physician. My cold 
is still with me, but thanks God not too bad. Received the.,? 
Yesterday I had...? in my condition. 

After my afternoon nap I stripped my^self entirely naked 
and waited for .,, to get dressed. Suddenly Ilse ippeared. 
i thought - so early? In my head it was 8:30 - in reality 
2:30. So it goes downhill!! 

Give me only with warm and cold 

so I would have at least one pen 



Monday 10 o'clock (January 18, 1971) 



My Beloved, 

quickly a kiss for you before the mall strike 
begins. I Just bathed and breakfasted emd now I also want 
to write to Vera. Perhaps V^ra Just "aald so" about her 
plans with slds and did not mean It seriously. 
Never did I work as much as you or Vera. Although I had 
many students In Leeds (I6) and verv often played in oublic. 
But I was independent, which is a gi an tdi rf erence, 
Ernie was here again, a golden mam. Hude came the other 
day with home made cookies. 1 had good news of her children. 
Read the biography of Ida Handel, which made me clear again 
how clever we were not to chose music as a profession. 
What occurs behind the scenes is undescribable. How was the 
exan*^ Ann becomes impatient, she says the baby is so restless, 
A sign, that it wants to come out. She will be in a very 
good Hospital, she will be taken there by an ambu^amce, 
B. does not like it. But thanks God she has a very good 
relationship with her father, who spoils her. The Matron 
told me this* 



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Veil, my Beloved 
continue your great success. 
In great admiration 
and love 

Your 

Mu tka 



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February 25, 1^72 



My Beloved, 

Vera's address: Vera ieter, 5 Me^gadiai, ^^anat Gan Israel, 

Felix is still not/right. The other day he forgot to 

bring '^•nne's address. He is no youngster anymore .(■:! 3 years) 

Today arrived your letter with enclosures from Paris. 

Today I am a bit better, that is why I shall write right 

now. How highly talented and so mul tifaceted>/character 

you have. Cn stage you would have been also very great. 

Presents: matron, warm scarf in a color of mandarins, 

Ann waxrr scarf - color insignificant. She is always cold. 

Children - has time. For the others I dont know. 

For mm 2 pairs of stockings, 2 white pants, fountain pen?? 

Do n t spend so much money, you work hard enough. 

1 am a little better, but far from being well. 



Therefore only a tender kiss, rr.y Dearest, Beloved 



Your Mutka 



May 20, 1972 
(five days before she died) 



My Beloved, 

Tea, I still cam read your letters, although with 
interr'jptions. Am happy for you about Paris. How long 

did you stay there? How did you arrange I)artington? 

Yesterday, I vomited again a lot and at night had 

more nose bleedings. K&the and Olive travel ^^onday 

to Norway for 3 weeks. Unf ortunatel)r, there is'nt very 

mueh doing with me anymore. 

(This as preparation for our seeing each other again. 

Vhen?? Tliat David learns ax*abic I wrote already? 

Dont work too mucli, health is EVERYTHING. 



With tender love 



Your Mutka 



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Sunday, May 21, 1072 



My Beloved, 

Unforgettable your first appearance with your fine 
part and grandmother's only handklss - I was touched. 
And now, you are a mature woman, who fills her place 
in life 100*^0. From my heart all the best my ^eareat, 
my Best. X-10»- ^ c*" promise you for certain, but 
hope it will be more, after I speak to ^elix. 
^e takes wonderful caxe of my finances. A golden man 
and Winnie too. "Diis we have to thank grandmother. 
She became a widow with 8 children - I was two years 
old! And she maintained the correspondence with my 
father's cousins • (Felix' s father and uncle) 
That is marvellous. Well, I wish you with all my 
heart continuous success my Beloved. 



In great love 



Your Mutka 



Comment ; 

Four days later, she died. 



The sen tence : "This we have to thank grandmother** 
confirms her belief, that by keeping the family 
members in touch with each other, is a source of 
strength and was part of her heritage. 



« 



V H Y ?? 

Loved by so mcmy, why did my mother live a', utterly 
alone? 3he h d been in Israel as well as in New York 
— but always returned . Yes, ^g] and has a sir.ilar 
culture as the one she was used to ajid yet --- 
She must have known how much Verale needed her, as well 
as myself. **e both expressed the wish to live with her. 
But no -- and her "no's" were consistent 

One time she asked me, if I ever mentioned to be Salter's 
sister in law, because she never did. (Neither did I) 
She told me that, while bein^ in Oxford, how much she 
disliked, when people introduced her as Walter's mother 
in law and not with her name. She was n proud -uid inde- 
pendent soul and did not wish t-i be identified as a mother 
in law of----- 

Vhen I came to see her, feeling happy to be with her .nd 
satisfied if I could make her place a little nicer by 
cleaning, lining drawers ajid polishing the few remnants 
about her she said: "I don t like the iden, that you spend 
your vacation in this room - do something else -" And 
nothing could convince her, that it made me happy to be 
just with her - and I had to leave. 

And so alone, she waited for "peace" to cone. 

-*"t was dark in her room, with some plants she liked at 

her screened window, a little piano vit:^ some insignificant 



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figures, some music amd books ----- 

You saw it all - 

When I came, I always needed to suppress the 

memory of the past, when she would practice at 

her grand piano in a black and gold papered music 

room aunong lemon wood furniture with beautifully 

inlaid patterns of the most precious mother of pearls* 

How cruel li^e has treated her. 

And yet: 

It • eems as if she was relatively content, that 

she had managed a life true to herself and to 

her convictions. 



I 



I 





yriiiP MOTH E R 



V E R A L E. HY SISTER 



Bora in Breslau on May 19. 1913. Juat a year before World 
War I. Verale picked up the marching songs from the passing 
soldiers, singing them long before she spoke a word. 
She was about k years old -hen she started her violin 
lessons. After my mother tried to teach her to read music 
for quite some time, she discovered to her suprise. that 
^erale could not read a single note. 

V. had learned to play by ear. TTius my mother made her 
read the compositions backwards, but to no avail -- V, 
played the music baCKwards by ear as well. 

soon we were suppo.ed to play together, which never worked 
out since ^ felt accompanying to be -degrading." So we 
played together only when we felt obliged to comply with 

pur mother's wishes. 

AS adults we liked playing together whenever we met until 

she married Yehuda. 

Yehuda claimed to be musical, which aroused Verale 's 

curiosity and so she -tested" him by playing the same piece 

the moment she hear* him come home. After the third time 

he asked her:-Vhy do you always play the same piece?- which 

proved that he had quite a good ear. 

it was a nice joke for us. 

In 1972 when my mother died. I went to see Verale and met 

Yehuda for the first time. A few weeks before. Vera had a 

bad accident, hurting her ann badly and she could not play 

the violin. 



We were both in a somewhat somber mood and Vera was for- 
ever exercising in front of a mirror to control her move- 
ments. Not being able to play was a serious setback in 

her life. 

The next tine we met, Vera was already tocsick to play. 
However, she wanted me to play a melody we both connected 
with our childhood: 



Long, Long Ago 



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I understood what she felt and dreaded to "give in"--- 

So I played the sentimental song a bi t more cheerful to 

which she naturally objected. 

However, I was quite aware, that melodies sometimes 

generate powerful emotions. 

Ve both realized the advamced degree of her sickness and 

I felt intensely, that this was a "musical good-bye." 

It was a difficult moment, but I decided that at all 

costs, I had to avoid a situation of profound distress. 



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Seven days nlissv for all lo\'ers of chanbernusic 



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should really have been the title for the course of thanber inusic Ti-hlch 1 
*^-ided In the heavenly situated 3irlsschocl( fcraerly a noipery) at Downhouse 

.. 'JeYsfeur:.', 15o sen and women fron the age bet-.veen 19 and To assembled there 
r. a certain Prida:^ in the month of Julyequipped v.lth rationcards pillowslips she* 
.eets tov/els instrjsnents ( froa one to three because I saw one ineaber arrive v/itl: 
violins and one viola) rrasicstands and lots and loads of oueic. This was the fin 
^ of a scene lastir*g 4 vreeks run by the British Finti^rnT *^ orgar -f ea^^ ^?ny^ under 
.9 Os-vLt^.*^ Cr«A.4-^c — a-i^ , 7he first v/eek quartetts guintetts /a?TT o "dd string? 2c 
*s like nyself-;hose ?5ad luck aadec it izxossible to come as a quartett unitT^nd 
■ek was an orchestralv.-eek which was attended by a good number of players vSo had 
-rived v.lth ae, 3rd v.'eek recorders only and the last week sinnging. 
n 3ov.Tiho'.:se t'^ere ••'ere plenty of c^lls v.here instead of contenrlating the life 

••'e v.'ere ver:' --ch r:ore concemed)/ln practicing a certain difficjilt passf 
^ahr:s" I never succeeded in counting ther: but there niust be no end of Ir 

^rjesize rooz:s v.'here the 4o quartetts or so 7;orked for their dally coaching less 
n.'r^'oboly was in the least concerned about -^.erefrcn v/e C3r.e and v;i:ence v;e v.-ent 



..*eai -e 



t only '.vhat did v/e 



n 



ells 



dsLily routine; 



LO'* to daj' or '^.at shall ve '* ^o " to r.orrow. 'Tov/ this was 



and 
our, r.ie rocn:s 



there '.r\s ^ 
v:ere tidied 






k *i^ * > 



for 






the Bathrooms as there is in any 



the players 3rea-:fast( and it '.tas good f:z 



becaug^.everyone tried for the first Fidels, It was a revelati 
/;?ac?fvery^ery simple. She came made no speeches except that 



r and sore ver'/ keen people rlshed already at 7,2o into their cell for practice- 
(9rrjsic cane fro::: ever:.-r;here and those '::uartettunits ^.ho pla:'' torather ^n tl:e 
ar round or had formed themselves at arrival \rith old friendsC this sumerschool 
s already been in excistence for I rthirJc 12 :.'^ars and there are novr many more 11 
'T.t different t;^es of e± suchJ-i'tes in excistence) worked for their lesson' of 5o 
n^-ites mcmir*^ and afternoon. 3eir^ a stranger among them I started off to the 
larg3 G:,Tihall v;here I fo'jnf ca 31 players eagerly av/adti^ Helen Just Teacher 
^'^ Cello at t:ie royal academi^e for music London and wife of Ivor James C.H. Celi 
-Os^, I wondered H077 would she shape us all net knov.'lng our /Qualities and how 
vrould she seat us 
:ion to me and as al^ , _ _ 

:he inforr.ed As of the prograrsn and as the Basis for chambeirrusic told us to tune 
•rmr and th^t one by one ?d.th everyoneelse absolutely quiet. It took us more than 
-^0 minutes and it had to be perfect. And ever^/one afterwards knew escactly which 
'Ualities each player has. The succesful ^onfort^jnite leader of the group had from 
then on the terrible task of giving his A to everyone 4 timeds a day. Helen Juat 
:ever started a reheairsal without this procedure and ale ays took the utmost troubl 
about everybodies 4 strings. After 2 days already '/fe were seated into groups 
f ^artetts so that one should not become dependent on the player seated next 
nd the miracle was that without raising our standards of technic she shaped the 
usic by teSKtjiginsi sting on phraseing pauses accents and little titbits which 
ere the caract eristics of music. As much as possible she tried to not to conduct 
and her concentration never never slackened durinr that week. T he ^p layers we^ 
mostly nonproffessionals but some v/ere teachers at schools onexlOBiy teacher in 
"remen, sa'iime students at the accademitxxHxgnDxxsBBAli^juLxxa Break for coffee at 1 
11 were v/e sat on the lawns or went to a musical librajry where you could look at 
or buy chamber music from the oldest to the newestliteratur*e. 'York from 12 to one 
Lunch and from 2 to 4 we formed into groups andcdddceerlo^ecpiaytng and pla:''ed vi 
just so. Tea ?.t 4 and work from 5 to b3o 7 dinner and every evenir^g at 3 there 

"v/as a concert performed by the l^enges auartetjfcxasd 

'/dth occasional addition for Qintett or Sextett by 

:'ov; you ma;/ sav for or against the Kenges what you like but there they played s 
erbly. You see if you play to an audience like that it improves your pleasure 
' * >ia:^nr. The works were usually illustrated and analysed by the very asiusiro 



p. 



Vi 






-v ^ 



.^^^ 



man Ivor janes and reallv i have not laughed in years as mch as there vei 
and I cannot unfortunately dare to copy sorae for your pleasure because It 
rrould lack the atnosphere his c voice and the funny little tuff of hair or. ; 
his bald head. He is a v^ry lovable man and has a -^fonderful musical Instir.v -'. 
Ai^er the concert there was the usual en^lish"cup of tea and.a-.bun" and there 
^re occasional^ s'ti^ sounds of playing: after lo,3o but I ^^^^^ 

•^••^11'^ -♦— 'gi'' +0 -*-»*^''v^iit wi'O'^o ^r^^ -^o '^•^^ tvof*^ ^c® ^* lunch time we had 
a gooo perronnSnce or^ n . 

players partaking in the course anon£: then Students 
>of the R.A.r erf orrring the^och ^uintett. This is the li^t of works perforaec 
J« in tlie evening and Se re arc those v/orks v/hich I plaved in the course of m^'' 
.-^^t^tay at Downe Touse^i— 1-7^^^^1. .1^^ Uf^ tio.-^,^^ a— 1 ^ i^^o 






\ 



1 







/ • 



^^A- 3 






i 



I 

I 
I 



Seven days of alias for all lovers of chanberrrruaic . 

This should really have been tne title for the course 
of chamber music, which I -attended in the heavenlv 
situated "Girls School," (formerly a nunnery; at 
Downhouse, near Newbury. 

13c men and women from the age between 19 and 70 
assembled there on a certain Friday in the month of 
July equipped vu. th ration cards, pillow slips, sheets, 
towels and instruments, (from one to three, because I 
saw one member arrive with two violins and one viola) 
music stands and lots and loads of music. 
This was the first day of a scene lasting four weeks, 
run by the British festival Organization under the 
Queen's Patronage, 

The first week quartetts, quintetts, -vnd odd string- 
players like myself, whose bad luck made it impossible 
to come as a qviartett unit. 

The second week was an orchestral week, which was atten- 
ded by a good number of players, who arrived with me, 
the third week recorders only and the last week singing. 
In Downhouse there were plenty of cells, where instead of 
contemplating the life hereafter, we were very much more 
concerned in practicing a certain difficult passage of 
"the Brahms" I never succeeded in counting them, but 
there must be no end of large size rooms where the Uo 
quartetts or so worked for their daily coaching lesson. 
Nobody was in the leist concerned about where from we 
came and whence we went, but only what did we "do" today 
or what shall we "do" tomorrow. Now this was the dally 
routine. 



I 



Bells went at 7a.m. and there was a rash for the bath- 

rooma as there is in any comrn'onal gr-^up. The rooms were 

tidied by the players. Breakfast (and it was good food) 

at 8 and some very keen people rushed already at 7:30 

into their cell for practicing. 

At 9 1 music came from everywhere and those quartett 

units, who play together all the year round or had 

formed themselves at arrival with old friends. 

(This summer school has already been in existence for I 

think 12 years and there are now many niore anc different 

types of such likes in existence) worked for their lesson 

of 50 minutes morning \nd afternoon. 

Being a stranger ajn-n^ thera, I started off to the large 

gym hall, where I found ca 31 Dlayers ep.gerly awaiting 

iielen Just, teacher for cello at the Royal A'caiemy for 

Music La^don afld wife of Ivor James S.H. Cell too. 

I wondered, how would she shape us all not knowing our 

qualities n d how wojld she se^t us, because everyone 

tried for the first fidela . (fiddles ) 

It was a revelation to me and aa always, revelations 

are very very simple. She came, made no speeches, excent 

that sh*^nformed us of the program and .s the basis 

for chambermusic , told us to tune. 

And that one by one with everyone else absolutely q'liet. 

It took us more than ^O minutes and it had to be perfect. 

And everyone afterwards knew exactly, which qualities 

each player has. The successful unfortunate leader of 

the group had from then on the terrible task of giving 

his A to everyone k times a day. 



Helen Just never started a rehearsal without this 
procedure and always took the utmost trouble about 
everybody's ^ strings. 

After 2 days already we were seated into groups of 
quartetts so that one should nor becntr.e dependent on 
the player seated next, and the miracle was, tihat 
without raising our standards of technic, she shaped 
the music by insisting on phrasing pauses, accents and 
little tidbits, which were the characteristics of music. 
As much as possiJile, she tried not to conduct and her 
concentration never never slackened during that week. 
The players were mostly non-professionals, but some 
were teachers at schools. One teacher in Bremen, some 
studants at the -^cademy - 

Break for coffee at 11, where we sat on the lawns or 
went to a musical library, where you could look at 
or buy chanber music from the oldest to the newest 
literature. Vork from 12 to one - Lunch and from 2-U 
we forrr.ed into groups and played Just so. Tea at k 
and work from 3-6:30. 7, dinner and every evening at 8 
there was a concert performed by the Menges Quartett 

with occasional addition for ^uintett or Sextett 

Now you may say for or against the Menges what you like, 
but there they olayed superbly. You see, if you play to 
^n audience like that, it Improves your pleasure of 
playing. The works were usually illustrated and analysed 
by the very amusing man Ivor James and really, I have 
not laughed in years as much as there - and I cannot 
unfortunately dare to copy some for y^ur pleasure, 
because it would lack the atmosphere, his voice and 
the funny little tuff of hair on his bald head. 



He is a very lovable man and has a wonderful musical 
instinct, '^-fter the concert, there was the usual 
^(jlish '*cup of tea and a bun" and t:.ere were occa- 
sionally still sounds of playing: after 10:30 but I 
never really tried to find out where and who did them. 
'-'nee at lunch ti.-se we had a good perfonrance of players 
partalcing in the course umong them students of the 
R.A,(Hoy^i Academy) performing the Bloch ^uintett. 
'-^his is the list of works performed in the evening 
and those works which I played in the course of my 
wonderful stay at Downe House at the cost of 7.I76O 



Brahms ^^uintett op. 38 in F 

Beethoven Fmin. op. 95 

f\ircell ^haconne 

Mozart Quintett K..515 

V. Williams Phantasy Quintett 

Dvorak Sextett op. 48 

Schubert "Death and the Maiden." 

Debussy G min . 

Bloch Quintett r2 

Mozart Quintett in £ 

Hoiydn op. 33 ^3 

Schubert quintett op.163 



Wh«, Vera wa. 12 years old. I was already a fully 
fledsed teenager and «ore than welcomed invitation, 
to ride behind a boy on a ■otorbike. receive po«»,, 
flowers or presents from my various "bows." 
It was the time of Kafka. Brecht. Strawlnlky. Richard 
Strauss. Ja«. Marlene Ui.trich. "The Countess Mant.a- 

short hair, short clothes and nylon stockings. 

I was permitted to go to concerts in the evenings, 
although I was still in Higi, School. 
Verale seemed "awed" - and I remember her asking- 
-how do you do it7-- while expressing her wish to do 
likewise. By trying to console her. I said, -it will be 
the same for you one day." 
However, it never happened. 

Not only did she have a different disposition, but time 
*aa against any possibility of ever enjoying the kind of 
life I had for so many years. 

She was -late- in growing up. and by then, our society 
had begun to disintegrate. Profound anzlety influenced 
our daily life. J.wi.h people were reluctant to main- 
tain relationship, with Aryans and ^Ty^s shied away from 
Jews. When V.rale finally .et so-eone ,h. liked, he wa. 
the son of my parent's friends. 

He was a medical student, who was also a passionate 
amateur photographer. Only about a block away from us, 
he lived with his parents in a aumptlioas villa. 



In spite of a very different lifestyle the Jewish 
society had to adopt at that time t VeraJe seemed happy. 
"No Jevs" signs appeared on coffee and movie houses, 
people were leaving or discussing their depaxture, there 
were rumors of torture, disappearances, suicides, there 
was a "hush"* in the a tino sphere, which seemed to be growing 
by the day. 

When Vera got officially engaged to him, she had a job 
and appeared to be satisfied. However, it took very many 
years before Verale told what actually happened next: 

Without informing neither Vera nor my parents, her 

fiance's family had been trying to arrange a visa to the 

States. So it came like a thunderbolt, when they suddenly 

announced, that they were leaving. 

-^t was natural for Vera to think, that they will get 

■angled and she would leave with them, but there was the 

question of a dowry* 

Yes, my father was willing — but under the circumstances » 

he was reluctamt to give more, than he specified. 

Actually, the prospective father in law was a much 

wealthier man than my father. It was 193^ amd my father 

felt responsible for his many employees as well ais for 

his family. 

Nevertheless, they insisted on getting a larger sum as 

a dowry — - amd so they departed without Verale. 

Psychologically V«ra could not accept the situation 

and feeling certain to be loved by her fiance, she was 

waiting for a sign - a letter - a cable - something. 

But nothing ever caoe. 



When I saw her again, she was very still, quite be :ufiful 

and better groomed than it was her custom. 

We met in Holland, where she stayed with her good friend 

Alicel. It was tie Spring of I937 and she was on her 

way to Oxford as an "aupair" to Dr. Berenblum's children. 




VHY OXFORD ???? 

Strange to say, but the reason why Vera would go to 

Oxford had its beginning with my brother in law: 

Rudy Beerel. 

At this time laws agaiinst transferring money out of 

Germany had been an accepted fact and many tried to 

find all kinds of ways to smuggle it out, Thus, ^dy 

bought a diamond ring and a small IS karat gold handbag, 

went to London and found a wholesaler, who was willing 

to buy them, but the offered price did not satisfy him. 

^hen Rudy came to Paris, where he left the jewelry with 

his brother, my husband, in the hope that he might be 

able to get a better price. 

However, this was not the case so ny husband mailed it 

all back to th^wholesaler in London. Since this is agaiinst 

international law, the wholesaler was furious and cabled, 

that he had no use for these pieces amymore and demanded 

to have them picked up. 

For some reason my husband needed this money very badly 

and so he reminded me that I have some "^glish uncles" 

- - handed me a worthless violin, which I should also try 

to sell and "shipped" me with borrowed money the same 

evening to London* 

For me tnis was great adventure! It was February, I spoke 

no English, had no money and had never seen these "English 

uncles." By crossing the frontier in the middle of the 

night, the inspector asked me to leave the train to be 

questioned* I made a suspicious impression* 

Rather young and quite pretty, dressed in a light colored 

furcoat wi th an artificial rose pinned at the lapel. 



A German passport, on which it was marked that I am a 
pianist, but carried a violin, the inspectors were at 
a loss what to think of me. 

Hy husband had urged me not to mention the Jewelry, so 
I only spoke of the "English uncles" which they did not 
believe me. ^fter some minutes of questioning I became 
rather uneasy, which gave me the idea to invent a boy- 
friend in London* 

"You see," I said, "that I am married, but I have a 
boyfriend in London whom I wish to be with." 
It was purely made up, but it worked: I was in England!! 
At 5 o'clock in the morning I arrived in this foggy town 
and di<inot know what to do with myself, when I remembered 
a composer from Vienna whom I met in Paris and had given 
me as his next address the Hotel *^egent in London. 
When I arrived at the ^^otel, he had moved, but there was 
a f'rench speaking manager, who was able to trace his 
present address, gave me some money and a bellboy to 
put me on the right bus. 

The composer was in bed and - to put it mildly - 
rather suprised to see me. ^e breakfasted together and 
^ told him of the transaction I was supposed to do* 
At a reasonable hour I telphoned my &iglish uncle 
(uncle Felix) but he was in Merocco. His brother Erwin , 
who did not even know of my existence - proposed me to 
come to the office for lunch. 

Rather shocked with my appearance, he did not know what 
to do with me nor with my Jewelry. So he called his wife 
Hetty, who was to pick me up from the underground station 



By wishing me good-bye he made it quite clear, that no 
Bake up would be tolerated in his house. It was a beautiful 
house in Hampstead, but I was given a room where the water 
was frozen and the electric^«^'^'*-'^was shining but not 
wanning. So for many days I slept fully dressed in my 
furcoat on the floor next to this electric heater. 
There was a bathroom, but it was always occupied and I 
did not know enough English and did not dare to ask at 
what time I may be able to use it. 

After a few days my composer friend gave me some toilet 
water while stating that I had begun to smell. He was a 
wonderful companion and it was also he who finally helped 
me to find someone to sell the Jewelry and mail the money 

to my husband. 

For me living without heat was pure suffering which stopped 

me from thinking straight, -"^ating fried fish with tea at 

8 o'clock in the morning and no one shaking hands with 

me made me uncomfortable. 

But, I gradually adapted, because people were so kind to 

me. There was a nice grand in the salon, many complimented 

me about my Biglish, there was a possiibility of getting 

a scholarship — so I remained in London, 

Tlie family intended to give a party and Hetty suggested 

to wrtte my husband to mall my evening dress. 

It was a beautifully custom made white satin gvwn from 

^reslau to which my mother in law had given me a white 

ermin cape, since it was deeply cut and she knew how 
much I suffered with cold rooms. I was pretty much in 
contrast to the rather young English daughters who were 
dressed in tulle. 



Reni in light green, Joan in pink and Peggy in brown. 

While dancing to and fro 1 suddenly noticed a grin on 

a middle aged man when it '*hit'* me that this m^st be 

uncle Felix of whom my mother had spoken so often. 

I was more than happy to see him - it felt as if I had 

finally found my "ID." 

However, after tlie party, I was told to move into a hotel, 

since they expected another cousin to live %fi th them. 

They would pay for it. This being done, I had to find 

someone, who would give me food and perhaps a scholarship. 

"^trange as it may sound, I arranged it all: 

I was accepted at the ^obum House for my meals, supplied 

with some money to study Jazz as well as a course to learn 

English at the University. 

However, my husband resented my independence and wrote; 

"If you are not able to share bad times with me, then we 

better part. " 

Although I knew he had only debts and did not even pay rent 

for our furnished room, I returned to him after three monthi 

Since I had wx-itten in detail everything to my mother she 

came to the conclusion that I must have made a rather bad 

impression upon the English family* 

Consequently she decided to go to London. Loaded with some 

nice presents, not only to find out what really happened, 

but also to reacquaint herself with Felix, whom she had 

not seen in many years* 



It was 1935. 

All over the world Jews discussed how to behave or what 
to do. The Nazis seemed like a growing cuicer, which no 
one understood nor diagnosed correctly Its ghastly 

ifflplications. 

However, triggered by my '•adventure," my mother under- 
took this trip to see ^elix and met a^ain her good friend 
Martel i^teinitz. 

Thus, it was on account of this Journey that my mother 
was able to arrange the au-pair position for Verale in 
Oxford when she was in need of a chamge. 



Before I continue writing about these rather fragmented 
documents as well as memories let me give you an idea 
about the atmosphere of that time. 

Vhen Verale married Walter in 1938 I lived in Paris 
with my husband under rather difficult circums tances. 
But so did my parents and all those, who opposed 
"Hitlerism" . Many of us thought, that if the AJ.lies 
would Just drop a few bombs over Berlin or the concen- 
tration camps, everything would collapse. 
But those were dreams. 

The following year 1939 Varschau ( Vaursovie) burned and 
war had begun. The years that followed forced all of 
us to constant difficult adjustments. 

Letters, particularly from Vera, were rare. Her confidant 
was my mother whom she saw occasionally, but I was 
left out, not only because I lived so far away that we 
could hardly see each other, but also, because in order 
to survive, I had been obliged to adopt an entirely 
different lifestyle. 

Thus, you will find huge time gaps in this collection. 
As sm example: it took more than 10 years after ^erale's 
marriage before I saw her a^ain in Leeds at my mother's 
home. Suffering from a tumor in my spinal cord (which 
took another year to be diagnosed correctly) I was in 
a sozrry state. 



Moreover. I was dependent on medication and more 
often than not in violent pain. Nevertheless, I 
believe we succeeded in lau^hin^ together as in 
the old times, although these were only seconds 
of happiness taicing our thoughts away from the 
anguish we felt in adjusting to new lives in our 
uprooted and confusing world in which every familiar 
element had vanished, 

Verale lived a difficult life in Israel, as you 
may well remember, my mother vi th very little money 
without her loved ones alone in England and I had 
to face the problems of my own life. 
However, although 'strangers" in a way. we both 
tried to be like sisters and adjusted to one 
another in our first renuion in more than 
ten years. 



Worte kffnnei* es nlcht sa^en 
was G«fUhle slad •- 

^^°d ajl,n«lne helasen Pfageb 
ffprech Iwh in den Vindy 

la den Wind der sl^e'blmreffti^rt 
in Vergessenheit '^ is^-^S^ 

Heut noch alles aturabewegt 
wlrd bald Vergangenhelt. 

Waff heut in air laut sprechen will 
mlt helsaeatem Gerihl 

^ h^J^^^^ Morgan wleder •tiU- 
ab^ekiart und kUhl •^-uj. 

Vorte kOnnen es nlcht sa^en 
was GefUhle slad 
Und all aelne helssen Fra^en 
aprech Ich In den Wind. 



Tra^achea Schlckaal lat ea zu SoUen 
/ ^» ^.n.^ ^^^^ ^ Wollen, 
; GWciaichea Schlckaal lat irfOUnng d 

Boch z^eapalt br§\?fl^:^^ ^eehnen 

Txnd ftr Becht elnzuatehen. 



i^^«^-.j« I — a— jBi 



rik^ 



c 



w 



Not dat«d 



"L'^'.iT"''* "'' ^"^ ""otiona feel 
And .11 ay bot questions 1 sp.I^ i„^ ,^ 
T« *w -^ »P«ajc into the vind 

-tn the wind which car-r-i^. ♦.k '^na. 

Today all stll^ .i-^!!. " ^''^^ ^"to foreetrui«-. 

u^-4. -T^r^ "^ stormy -toon win k-> -.u "^"-^s' ^-iuixiess 

Vhat wished loud to talk wlthr^ ^^'^ P*«^ 

within myaelf with the .o.t fex^ent 
Tomorrow already it is ..signed and cool -otlon.. 

Vorda cannot .ay how emotiona f.-i 
And all my i,ot questions ispef^in.. .h 

apeaic into the wind. 



Tra^c fate to "muat" t^^M 

Happy fat. 1, sa^sfacwfn !„ *° ""'"*'" 

-^1 though doubts brrngthe J^""*^ deatiny 

"d to dofsnd on,-, rlffh? *' towards lonfflnj 



Coomejitj^ Like m, , v.ral, Uved .Ion . 

in sxtrem.iy difficult situ J^ •'"*^"» ^ar, 

^r family, frisnd.. .t,d curtur^'' 

destroyed nnd we were f^^fn !!.""'"• "rutally 

Within ourselves wiThour^'u^rhe^f ' ""^^^ 

Verale tried to adjust bv h.^ 

which she call, -b^r de^ti^^t"^ t *°°'' '»°**'«^ - 

obliged to cope with evf^v^K. " '~*' ^^ ^'ing 

•"d wl-hed for a littirLr f '"■"' »»'« ref.nt.d 

to be "her right." "°" happl„es.. .he f ,i " 



A Mothers 

Be happy, be ^ay, 

The worries won't run away 

Work hard but leave the rest 

To the One (and only) who knows beat 

Lau^h at the flowers* snell the wind, 

Mi.x with people of a happy kind 

Be sad %flth o there » cry at sad thought) 

But dont live your life 
with fearsome gods. 



/ 



o^^^k-t^ . 



lU, k 



Xa^ 






-Oc 




"^^ 








I 

I 
I 
I 

! 

I 



Once I was young, impertinent _a hopefol fool, 
How happy and cocksure I was of myself. 

Then I loved, How rich how f'JLllwas my life 
Me,! loved was loved I 

Then this love died the world caime to an end 
No friend, no father, no mother could help; 

I then found an outstreched arm 
So warn 
So dear 
So honest 

I looked for the heairt I found it 

The world was still grey 

Grey the people who did not know 

Tha^ I was but a corpse 'Yalking Talking, 

I then gave life One Two Three 

Tiey laughed they cried they needed me. 

They blew life into me, oh how hard they blew 

The world looked on T still wa,a dead. 

Then I came to Palastine 

Oh to think how soft I grewl 

I started life afresh. 

Tew tears 

Mew laughter 

New thinking 

No shrinking away from the passt. 
II 

"Oit of that corpe'^T cried 
"New men but to live-'life" 
Life 

The waves of life ar« beating me hard 
Sometimes I drown 
But my eyes now can see 
'''^^!ify heart can feel 

That I thank thee Palastine. 



k^^^\\ Oxford \<^Mr 



V 



.^..^-v... 



Fan t2i«€ veil Kogland 
That baa given ne boot 

Fare tbae veil Snglaod 
Tbat baa given me all 

Huaband and children 
Family and friend 

TTbitbont you England 
Wbere would I stand? 

would my bead have been shrunk to a dolls bead size? 

o- would zv soul from tka gaacbamber arise f ^,r>^onn? 

^tjI^^ bid^ lie with tboSaand owners In a forgoLLen dungeon? 

Would I bave been burnt? 
Cut to pieces like wood? 

Fare tbee well England 
Tbat baa given me bome 
Fare tbee well Island 
Tbat bas given me all* 

V 



VTfe, 



•^J- 



? 



Vein geliebtes Kariandel. 

Ich habe ^.ir so viel rd schreiben aber es ist s achwlerig ia kurzer 
• Torten alles zu schreibea und 'yi vreisst ich bin langatmig, daher weij 
Su auch so wenig von mir. Ich freue jnich sehr^ dass Du nit Isa zuaaarne 
TTarst. Ich flaube es flllt ihjn entsetzlich schwer micht mehr gut auazu 
sehen u»d sich^r hat er Schmerzea, ?run zu Teiaen Triefea. Die wilder 
sind sehr suss. Hildes Kleiner sieht ge»au aus wle Henry in dero Alter 
U^jttel sieht aus '^e ein zerzauaes Huha. So gerae wtlrde ich sie bier 
babea. Du hast air moch alcht geantwortet una ich weiss micht ob Du 
weiaeu irief bekoanen hast oder ob er verlorea gegaagea ist. Use aat 
wortet sie will wis sea was eia Ajrtrbbesuch kostet , ob es eiae Versid 
cheruag gibt u«d was eia Tag ijs Hospital kostet, Alle diese ?*ragea brai 
ehe ich ia Woaeat aicht ra beaatwortem dean die Lage wacht es «ir xmnf^gl 
■ llch Flilne zu ?nachen. Selbst wean alles sehr bale ruhig wlrd bia ich 2:u * 
»erv'5a jetzt Pline ra aachea. Vua zu Deiaer Post: far es Dir ait Gadiel i 
auch so langweilij '^e Mir?? Ich war froj wie er weg war, Keiae Hume, ) 
keiae i»oabons hat er gebracht, Ich habe eia feiae s Xssea gefaeht, au^ 
geblasea, duiw uad langweilig, Uad Deia ^iadruck?? 

Isa wird ja wohl jetzt wec^ea xa der politischea Lage nicht herkoaaea, 
Schade, Ich staad aal sehr g^Jt ait ihm, *r tut air leid ait seiaer 
Verbreiwuag. Das ist ^rklieh eia grosser Schock. ^reue aich er gefJLllt 
, Dir auch. Ja, Vielea Daak fUr eiaea Teil der loaboas, Der Zweite ist « 

aoch nicht gekoanea, lesoaders das Varzipaa ait ?TUssea war €ia' Traum. 
•■ ^as ist ait Deimea Landlord plStzlieh? Will er die Uiete raufaetzea? 
Von GrtlaaaJidel babe ich Post, Ir aucht nebbich was er aie iiehr findea wj 
Die d'.ahre uad ?eine Jugead von 1925.... 

Du willst tiber die Kinder wissen? Weia Hauptproblea bei dea Kiadera bin 
•' ich. Ich verstehe aicht sehr gut zu erziehea, Ich bia sicher Du wurdest 

as alles viel besser aachen. Ich bin zu inkonsequeat und so viel MUbe 
' ich air auch ?ebe und so viel ^egeln ich air far aich oder mir fUr die K 
: Kinder aufstelle. immer kofwrt was dazwischea, und ich verresse alle gute 
Plane oder Vorsatze, Ich sehe auch an meinea Tagebuchem.'dass es schoa 
. ijHner so war, Ich schreie oft, viel uad tJbertlUssig uad bin leider kein 
(OTp^chem sondera ein Wops. Kach diesea Vorredea warde ich Dir Jetzt achl 
dera wie die Kinder siad, ^utbie sehr htlbscb, intelligent fiirchtaam, 
wehr treu und gut aber veraucht zu doainieren wo sie &aaa, Im Moment 
iJ-I^ ^^tr^l^^^^^^ ifcngstlich wegen Krieg und ausserdem aber davoa weisj 
»lluttel KICHTS, MUSS sie am llinddara operlert werdea. Is eilt aicht aber 

;'aber ho^ffentlich nachsten Monat, Auch davor bat sie Angst. Ii»er sieht 
sie seht adrett aus trotaden ich ihr aebbich aichts k^e. Jomv iat in 

iriir^'Jo^rJ.'^^^ r^> "i? «"^ ^^ ^«^ ^^^ lautH^Jlr^nntreues 
'^^^^h; ?^^^\t!lf ''w**?^^^*^•''^^^^^"l ^«« obne Anleitun* Ser 
,Drs^]le^Sf^'^l^^;^^J?J. Sd'Sir.aS'ei'ift'ln":;? ^^- 'i«^S ^ach. 

komae Sonnabend Abe^S^wcKiSr ll^ll Jli iJeSiLa'Sc^HSsr^rMn'^ 

St vi^ noif'^fS?,!'* S^i:*" ^iOTer in Kitten von Wasser vezmischt 
"" ^?SlA-* «^i-!!?.^!^!_^?r^^^^^3 ^-^-^^ ^ achmusst,.,Icb^aMe L 



die Tre} 



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Sd ^^.»'i^'L??L^;: V^l Nasser vonlescSpnbX'i^kimT'zf air 
^t ^1 J /""^ ^^* "^^^^^ binschUttenC als ob er es Scht wSiL 
Tch antworte bCse dass er •utbie nicht geboLfen hat, nicht tiberdar ' 
^afteriklf* ■Irn^aifti.egal" » fragt noch aal" die gleicne Xntwo-t dan^ 
e.aiehs-e V^al er fragt« Zitrtck in aein Zijmer"? leh sage Wenn W wlUatJ 
3tell Mr vor er gebt*und acfaBeisst daa Waaaer aoeb nU xortlek in aei^ 
ZliBwrU::: Gott babe icb galacbt; Dann bat er aebr still tsid rahig alj 
ia^iS^^IT ajofirewiacht and ina ELo geaebftttet. Was aagat Du? 



TsmabhJLs^g Tom de« Utera umA so gnt iaror«ierx uoer aj-iea aasB ler 
oft tehr wemif Material mlt Iha zu ff»reehe» babe. Mr fehlt «lr oft uad 
lA bedanre et ao aahr daas wir so eiae aerbrochae ^aaille siad, Uit 
Walter atehe ieh gnt aber als Fajslllc cxeisti^rea wir leider aieht. Wa« 
willst IW'aoeh wlssea? tTber die Arbeit werde ieh aa nse anaftthrlieh 
sehreibem oad sie bittea dea irief nr lieh anfsuhebea^ Ieh babe irrossn 
Huager aber !^uthie aaeht Abeadbrot \iad da wage ieh alch aieht ia die * 
Ktlche, Sie wird sicher sehr hubseh riad weaig gebea wie Ty\ill 
Mir geht es es mieht schleehj. laaigste KUsse Mariaadel voa Deiaea 



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November 1st, I956 

My beloved Mariandel, 

I have so much to write you, but it is difficult to write 

everything in a few words and you know I am of "everlasting 

breath," this is why you know so little about me. 

I am very happy that you met Isa. I believe that it is very 

difficult for him to have lost his good look^ and he must 

certainly be in pain. 

Now tP your letters. The pictures are very sweet. Hilda's 

youngest one looks exactly like Henry at his age. "Muttel" 

looks like a picked chicken, I would love to have her here. 

You did not answer me yet and I don t know if you received my 

letter or if it got lost. 

Use answerei^and she wants to know how much one pays for a 

doctor's visit. I dont have to answer to all these questios^s 

at the moment, since the situation makes it i-npossible to 

make any plans. £ven it everything calms down soon, I am too 

nervous to plan anything now . 

Now to your mail: Were you as bored with Gadiel as I was? 

I was glad when he left, He brought no flowers, or candy. 

I made a fine meal. He is blown up, stupid and boring. What 

is your impression? Isa will probably not come now on account 

of the politicaJ. situation. Too bad. '^^t one time I had a good 

relationship with him. I feel sorry about his bums. This ia 

really a great shock, I am happy you like him too. 

Many thanks for part of the candy. The second did not arrive 

yet. ^specially the marzipan with the nuts was a dream • Vhat 

happened suddenly with your landlord? Does he want to r&ise 

your rent? I had mail from OrtLnmandel, Nebbich, he is searching 

for something that he will aever find. Tbe years and his youth 

of 1925 



Tou wish to know about the children? 

Hy n.al. probl.0. with the children i, „,„,,. j ,, „„^ 
.tand howto raise then,. I an. certain yo. would do it much 
better. I a» inconsistent and. aa thougn I try very hard and 
-aJc. re<rulation, for n,ys.lf. a, well a, for the children 
.on,ethin<r always happens which caice, ., forget all „y ,oL 
plans and intentions. 

I also see this in n,x diaries, that I 'was always like that. 
I screa^n often and a lot for no reason. Unfortunately I an. 
not a ■..MOpschen" anyore. but a -Mops.- After this intro 
duction I shall now describe the children- 

Ruthy very pretty, intelligent, fearful. Cery loyal and ^ood 
but tries to dominate, wherever possible. At the ^o.ent sL i, 
very anxious aWt the war - and - but of this vftatt^l v 

NOTHING - She has to hare an appendicitis on . 

cippenaici tis operation. Ther*. l« 
no h ,„, ,, ,,, ,„ ,, ^^^^_ ^^ ^^^ _^^^ ^^ accounTo 

Of that she has fear too. She always looks very neat altho„ h 
n.bbich. I do not buy her anything. "^^ 

^onny is in a new school, he feels very comfortable. He is a 

oud, wa™ and faithless child, fabricates char^ning woodpieces 
intelligent and lazy. A funny t.ing: ''oodpxeces. 

■nie toilet was clogged and the water ran inf„ *k 
T . V - "*° *^* apartment: 

ca»e ho.e Saturday evening after an hour with friends into 
^waterbath. Huthy. who s.ould have been in bed. is cleaning 
and .onny sxt, with friend, in his roon. in the midst of wat!r 
»l..<i wxth nails, wood, paper, tools and so on and -sch..:, 
I b.gan to send his friends away and ,h,n he began to TeZ^'" 

asic.. Where shall I throw the water." (as if he did-nt .now) 

answer angrily, that he did not help Huthy. but not about 
th. water. I don t car.. He asks again. T.,e sa». answer, that 



I dont care. Then he asks.'*where do you want me to throw 
the water, back into my room?" I say, if you want! Ima^ne 
he goes and throws the water back into his room! !! God, 
did I laugh. Then he was very still and quietly wiped 
everything and threw i t in the toilet, '.^at do you say? 
David is a charming boy, completely relaxed and independent 
and so well informed about everything, so that I have very 
little to say to him, I miss him often and I regret so 
much, that we flire a broken faimlly. 

With Walter I am in good terms, but unfortunately we do 
not exist as a family. Vhat else would you want to know? 
About the Job I shall write extensively to Use and will 
ask her to keep the letter for you. 

I am very hungry, but Ruthy makes the dinner and so I dont 
daure to go into the kitchen. Like you, she will have every- 
thing very pretty and not a lot. 

Tender kiss Marlandel 



from your 




Ve have a dog Tizzy" small, black, sweet, bites me. 

David says, he comes from a cat. Ruthy adores and loves him 



"With or without your permission I made a widow out 
of you since two divorces in one family makes a 
bad impression." 



Coosnent : 



May 23. 1961 



Isia: You may remember him as your father's friend in 

Oxford, but you may not know, that he worked in Brazil, 

where he had a bad accident. 

In the middle of the night his Jeep clashed with a 

truck and he was thro%m way out into the fields where 

he burnt. 

\/hen I met him, he looked ghostlike, but ^ got used to 

it and a few years later he was better. He came to NT 

to live witn his sister and to get medical treatment. 

Thus, V^erale wrote him suggesting to meet me in order 

to have some company* 

Gadiel t is one of our relatives from the Schiff's side. 
"ow we are related escapes me. ■hile in Breslau i never 
had much use for him. My parents talked about his family 
in rather negative terms. But I remember hearing, that 
the father made f eatherdusters and his sister was an 
epilectic - and (a. la Breslau!) "they only have one maid." 
Verale picked him up at a later stage, -^fter all, he was a 
• ingle male amd quite bright. I met him in NY and he was 
very nice to me for some time. Later, he moved away and 
I only got Xmas cards, although I am quite sure, he came 
to NY often. Now he lives in Florida . 



Grdnmandel : A 



cech. 



playing the violin. who used to live in 



Breslau and then in Israel. V^pgAe flirted with him for 

some time, but she did not want to marry him, 

MOPS : my nickname for Verale, i.e. I called her "Mttpschen" 
which is a kind of dog called "pug" in ^glish. 



Mariandel , 



For your oOJI send you my best wishei 



(missing) 



Greet all your friends and acquaintances. 
Imagine "how young" you are today, if you were to 
think about your present age in 1971 

With great love 



Your 




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24.12.1973 
Orotanrattel Kri^fts GebxirtBtn^ ^• 

C^eliobtes Marifindel, 

Was fur eine herrliche Ub«rii8chTing baat Du ona 
STi ChAXiTikkffii g«fflacht mit Karte 7o^ >hittel und herrlichen Kosan* Vi«l«n Biotk t[^ 
fur die Idee g^nz ab^esehen von der Anaga^* loh wollte Dich sofort animfen v^^ 
ua IHr persdnlich zu danken abar J^ehudah wazmte BichClL ^o.oo) und lo thral ^-~ 
b« ich doch lieber und hebe air Geld fur eine wertvollere ^araachun^ auf* 
Das Nadchan traf ich nicht an ea kaa von Blujian^achaft und ich wte* nicht zu 
^auaa* Herrlich laoga Hosan die ich in unsera feinate Kriatalvaaa gaatallt 
haba* Die Hoean axif dan Tisch zuaainnan mit dar ailbaman Chanukkija ait 3 nm*-^ ' 
buntan Lichtan an^azundet. Nochaala vielen Bank, ^as Bluioenpapiar banutzta i^'f 
ZUD abtropfen von Lattke8(lartoffalpuffer) die ich una zua Abandbx^t ■mchta.l^ 

Gaetem kainen wir zuruck von 3 herrlichen aonni^^en ^interta^en 
Zichron JacovCbargi^i dar Anfan^ too i^«j*Tial.)Daa Mar wiadaraal so via ainat 
Jadan Ta^ riala Stundan Xuaik. arsta Geiga, zvaita Geiga, ia laaaarorchaatar 
viala Stunden jadan Ta^: Mozart — Prokkokiaff Quartatt. Ich hoffa auch, daaaf 
▼ialleicht vieder ein Quartett zu Standa koraoan vird, denn ich apialta gvt^ m^ 
wann auch ich achlecht achnell spiele und nicht iauaer gut 7od Biatt laaa. f 
Ich BU88 neine 3rille auch verstarken aber ich habe aia ^t schnall g^apielt'-^' 
Abar ia Ganzan waran meine Mitapielar uharraacht, daas ich trotz SIhe und ohn^'*' 
Quartett so g^ut drafa bin* ^aran iat a«in re^elaaasiges apielen ait i^lavier 
schuld. 

Jehudah korrigiert und, nicht lantorovz aondem Goathe. . • ■'ieso 

^" lioj- iriadar nal auf dar Nasr. Ich "*»lrr r-i^h* -rrr- 

Bcheint mir manchoal als aai er nicht richtig gasund. Ich vflasta 
er vor dar She auch ofter krank war abar wiv^e aa nicht die Sltwm zu^*;^ 
Vielleicht fra^e ich ihn selbet mal &hne Huthie. Huthie hat das 2. »?i. 






hrst ^ 

abar as 

jam ob 

fra^n- 

Jahr trotzdem sie doch ein bo Bchweres Jahr hatte ait 2 Mai l^rankenhaxia (ich., 

und fflit dea 3aby.«an der Univaraitat fartig. Diese Snargie hat aia yon Dir 

garbt das ist kiar wie die Sonne, Ich fraua oich aehr fur sia* 

Die Praise ataigen aia varruckt und da habe ich air ain^c^a-1-*'*-' '^ 
aalbar g:anaht«(Mit Hilfe ron ainar Kollagin). Jatzt warda ich air'^ruhlin^ 
Btoff kaufan und das salba noch aalnahan daait ich as allaina kann. 37*oo 
an Stella Ton 13o*oo(und das Mar nicht hubsch) 

Shira ist waiter ^liebt« Sie steht jetzt und schaut stols in die oelt. 
Schriab ich Dir, dAse ich ihr zua arttan 2ahn aina ^ahnburtsa kaufta und 
sia bagaistert daran ruakaut??? 

Ganug fur hauta Nariandal. Ich nuss kochan gahan. ti 
I>a schraibst iomar auss Sals in dar ^auda aain* Ja« Und anch in jadan Kuol 
chan komat at was Salt* Kuttal sa^a iaaar: dar ^ai^ stirbt looo Xal, dar 
ti^a 1 Nal. Ich warda wain n wann aich das Schicksal trifft* Bis dahin 
rarsucha ivh aich und die Ga^jsit auf dar Stanj^a zu haltan* X« iat laiohtar 
fur aich die ich so unenlich viela Phasan dea Lebans hintar air haba, als 
fur jun^a Lauta, die ohna Sor^n varvohnt aofwachsan* Jonnj war ainpaar 
Stunden lu Haus • Sr warmt air das Hers* Gestem sah ich Zvl Hubinstain Bai'_ 
aini^n Monatan* Xr ist in dar Havy, nicht wieder zu arkannan* Gross, schla^ 
schlank und blendant schSn* ^raua aich fur Hannahle* 



Anbai ain Gedicht* Inni^st 

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•o bmdlj, that instead th« p««ct Uuit .ight luort ba.n 
thtir..«^.la.i, pain aiui.bIaod.aad.<U.tructio^ 

'^t ''''''• !^! t"** ^^^•'"^ a ii-.fear i. in my heart 
lad-aon that I.a«-6o-and-^ <rraadchild .aiiri 

aad. Iooic«-happil^.into-oup.rju:e8 
I aak nyself to tec trac«a 
of hopW for the years to cone 
after the bloody job has been done. 
Ind now I •■ old and yet .till alive 

^d'^fi^?" ^•''' P**"^* "o ••nr livee have ended 
And ttill I an youn« enough yet to strive 

for pleaeurea of the Bind, the heart and the flesh 
^e hope for better ti«e. are not yet dead. 



9.I0.I973 



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^^ fear in ay hbart I tuck away with care 
I ohallen^ the uaJcnoim "li^^ 

To M^^' ^^^•f*'^^ "^^i^* ^•hind the .cenee 
Jo blow away the fear of heart ■^•n«"^ 

Ao Bake the lailee bloasoa in the imy^i a ^ * • 
and to drown for eTer..-Sor^iS ^^^^ "^ '' '^^'', 

*ariandel, Da eiehot dae echrieb irh o f 

■c^i'b ich 2 Tn^e nach Auabrtch dee Irie^es. 



December 2k, I973 

Grandmother Kraft's birthday 
120 years "zu ffesund." 



Beloved Mariandel, 

What a Cllghtful .uprl,. you .ad, u, for Cha^uJcah with 
.card rroo, .Mutt.l „d d.li^htrul ro.„. „any thanic. for 
the id.a - apart fro- not counting th. .xp.ns.s. I wanted 
to call you n.ht av.y to tha.W you personally, but Tehud. 
wa^ed .e (IL 50..) a.d .0 I prefer to write and will ^eep 
the money for a more valuable suprise. 

I did not meet the irlrl - it- <«....^ *• 

wie riri - It came from a flower shop and 

A was not home. Delightfully lonir stiMmn^ ^ 

«» -•.xy ±ong stemmed roses, which I 

placed into our flne.t crystal vaae. T^e ro.e, on th. tabl. 
together with th, .liver -ChanuRidj.. and five colored 
candle, - again .any thanKe. I^e paper fro. the flower, 
used to drip th. -LattKe... which I .ade for our dinner. 

Yesterday w, returned fro. three delightfully sunny winter 
day, m zichron Jacov. (hilly . the beginning of the Canoel) 
It was again a. It u.ed to be. Each day ..ny hour, of .u. c : 
nrst vloim. .econd violin, m the cha.ber orche,t,r. 
every day .any hour,, Mozart — Proicoffleff ,uartett. 
1 also hope, that perhap, a quartett will co.e about a^aln. 

It la fast, and not always so well wh«« t u 

TV 7 so well when I have to sl^htread 

.. ::'r::.:" ■'""" " - ' -- -'- -"• »- 



However, my partners were suprised, that although oarried 

and without having a steady qi^artett, I would play so 

well. I owe this to my re^ulajr playing with the piano. 

Yehuda corrects, not Kantorowiz, but Goethe..... 

Vhy do you have blank postal cards from Muttel? 

Dove is on his nose a^ain . I do not know exactly, but 

sometines it seems to oe , as if he is not really healthy. 

I would like to know if he had been sick so often before 

his marriage, but I dont dare asking his parents. 

Perhaps I ask him myself some day when Ruthy is not 

there. 

Ruthy finished her second year at the University, although 

she had such a difficult year - being twice in the 

Hospital, once it was me and then with the baby. She 

inherited this type of energy from you, that is as clear 

as the sun. I am happy for her. 

Prices climb like crazy and so I sewed myself a "Parafan" 

(with the help of a collegue) Now I shall buy material for 

Spring to do the same all over again, so that I can do 

it by myself* 37«* instead of 150. -(and it was not even prett; 

Shira continues to be lovely. She csin stand now and looks 

proudly into this world. Did I write, that I bought her a 

toothbrush for her first tooth and she chews on i t with 

great pleasure? 

Enough for today Mariandel. I must go and cook. 

You ailways write that enjoyment has to contain some salt. 

YeSt sjid cake too needs some salt. Muttel always said: 

■The coward dies a thousand times, the courageous only once." 



I shall weep when my fate coraes. But, until then, I 

try to balance myself and my environment . It is 

easier for me, since I have so many phases of life behind 

me, in comparison to young people growing up spoiled 

amd with no worries. 

Jonny came home for a few ho rs. He warms my heart. 

Yesterday I saw Zwl Rubinstein again after a few months. 

He ia in the Navy, unrecognizable. Tall^ thin, and 

delightfully handsome. I am happy for Hannahle. 

Enclosed a poem. 



With love 



Vera 



September 10, 1973 



And now X an old and new war has come 

And now I am 6o and our children fl^ht 

Which miffht is pulling the strings behind the scene? 

So badly, that instead the peace that ai^ht have been 

There a^ain is pain and blood and destruction. 

And now that I am old and a new fear is in my heart 

And now that I am 60 and my grandchild smiles, 

And looks happily into our faces 

I ask myself to see traces ' 

Of hope for the years to come 

After the bloody Job has been done. 

And now I am old and yet still alive 

So many years have passed, so many lives have ended 

And still I am young enough yet to strive 

For pleasures of the mind, the heart and the flesh 

The hope for better times are not yet deeul. 

The fear in my heart I tuck away with care 

I challenge the unknown "Might** 

To pull different strings behind the scenes 

To blow away the fear of heart 

To make the smiles blossom in the world of to-morrow 

And to drown forever •• "Sorrow" 



(M«iandel, you see I wrote this two days after war broke out.) 






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November 17, 1975 



Mariamdel » 



rinally today I can vrl te why you had no news. 

For over five weeks I had teats for intense belly aches ! 

Gynaecolog^ist , orthopaedist, internist - a private doctor, 

a hospital doctor, rectoscope injections in the belly, 

private doctor and last week hospital. (10 days) 

A^ain three times rectoscope, Xrays , ^ynaecolon^st 

and treatment* 

Today they said - except for the last test - everything 

is OK. Tlie back is entirely displaced and it seems, that 

I had a rupture at the 3th lumbar, which slipped over to 

the 4th. BUT* all this is no reason for these pains. 

(I live on pills) 

Now I belike, I can go home on Fi-iday. The doctor says, 

that when he kno%rs, that it is nothing "Different," he 

can give me painkillers. 

Yehuda cooks (in rage) I don t know what to say. 
« 

Mariamdel, I got your last letter for the 3rd grandchild. 
TTie baby looks like Edna's father, drinks, sleeps and is 
healthy. I was there Saturday the whole day.(l had vacation 
from the Hospital) They spoHled me and it was very nice* 
And now comes Chanukkah I I like to retire. 
With work — pains, husband, children and grandchildren 
violin - friends. As long as I still have some healthy 
days, I like to be free. 



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Your last letters I can only answer at home. 

Hopefully there is something against these intolerable 

pauins. Naturally, I am glad that probably, there is no 

need for an operation, 

Mariandel - Jonny had been in Greece and is now in 

Rome - later in Paris (friends) Frankf^jrt (Uri) 

Amsterdam (relatives) London - the US. 

Already now I am longing for hira, but I am also happy 

for him. 

Much love and soon I will type answers to 
your letters again. 



Vera 



- 1 - "- 



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a/" aercr^wirne cnrn^mng »rtv ©nooso/^e will be s«?Ml.aR a*rrrw»*i 




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SeCOOG fOKU 'li; Vdp 



aerogramme 
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/ 



USA- 



1976 



Mv beloved Mariandel, 



Did I write you the 28th? 

I do not know emyoiore. But that I have fine mail from 

VOU, I i<^OW. 

I am hnrdly better, ^"^ever - pills - fever - pills. 
Your postal cards ^re enchantin^ly beau ti ful .Marianiel . 
n2__n ot reserve any time for me. I dont know where I 
will be - I f I want to see you a^ain - because ^ am 
very tired of people mcl. you - Yehuda - Hanna 

and so on. 

I have good help at home thanks ^od. 

What happened on Z^-1 Write. The scarf is dazzlingly 

beautiful. How is -ntonio? Yesterday was the day Muttel 

died. Good, she has her peace. I envy her. 

Use ^-'otthilf 

Jonny is in Los ^ngeles. -ell, my big sister. 

A fat kiss, all wishes 

^ our *era 

Mazel tov 



heal th 



Comment^ 



Yours Vera 



The 25th is my birthday- 
"Muttel"- my mother , • , j. 

Use Gotthilf: The daughter of Trude GotthiL.my 
mother's, cousin and close friend. It is a ^^mpli- 
cated story of a comolicated personality which 
was entirely irrelevant to Verale - but I wanted 
to "distract" her. 



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* 



February 13, 1977 
(a few days before she died) 



Marlandel - in tie Hospital! 

Your idea was nice: reading in the Hospital, 

I was particularly interested m the article about Toscanini, 

I shall give it to the younger couples. 

I think often about your cold, snow and ice. •c^op^fully you 

can leave home - school must surely be closed? 

In spite of "sister eCiOtionj" 1 wo;jld like to invite you 

for Passover (but not the ticKet - God forbid! ). 

However, it does not work out in my apartment, 1 need the 

small room for myself 1001&. Frequently I lay down during the 

day and must c.iange my underwear and dresses 2-5 times and so on. 

Hotel is too far away and expensive and tne room Hilda amd 

Ernie had, is not available now. 

An interesting visitor cane the other day, who met Peter 

Kraft while visiting Sao Paulo. He told me much about him. 

Interesting. Both children married Portuguese women. I shall 

write him. ^e seems to be very interested. 

We have a frightful day behind us. A main waterpipe broke 

at night and the apartanent was flooded. I sceoped the water 

for 3"^ hours I ! Finally, when it was somewhat possible to walk 

agajin {k pairs of shoes were dripping wet-) the installator 

arrived ( about 10:oo) and said: "It is only the hot water" 

and then -- a^aln the apartment was flooded. 

Thank God "Sarah" came and I went calming down the furious 

neighbo*^. Vhon I returned at 13 o'clock to the now dry 

apartment, another installator arrived at 1:30, who wished 

to investigate the pipe when I became Hysterical, since 

agajin I had to wipe. 



,,« arrived, onened rhe faucet - so I 
^, 3 someone else arrl . . ^^^^^^ ^.^^^ 

--screa-'ned at lenuu^* 
tooR the car —' _ _^ ^^^, ,, ,^,..e. I was 

with the installators 
finished, ^joyed mvse 



If 



with Gall and res 



ted for 



•--hen 1 came 
,H . de too was "dea 



^acR. 1 ro.u.d Yehuda "water 

on e o 
anvmore. Today 



two hours. ^^.^-- ^^^^ Neither one of us is 



nle to cone with such tnings 

nnally they ^^^ J ^^^^ ^, ,, .,th .y diarrhea, 

the refri.^erator m the 



a water bag 
Difficu^l:. 



r between tny I ec^3 



in the Hospital 



Tenderly . 



Vera 



THOUGHTS FOR KT DlARY 



written two months 
before h'^r death. 



How changed the world looks 
Now, that I am ill - 

How changed the blue sky, the sun and the moon 

I am ill, of course without my will. 

How changed looks e'.ery thing if you have no strength to move 

And here, I lie still 

And cannot do what waa always ione my me: 

To play arounu with the children's children 

To take them to the Zoo, 

To hug therr: 

To lift t n em to my heart. 

Now they tire me and they have little affection - how can they? 
With me always tired, may be smelly with i.o r'un , no fun, 
With no strengtli to sing to them songs of love. 

How changed, how sad is life 

Of Gd - help me to grow old in my mind, not only the body - 

Oh Gd - help me out of my distress. 

Make me more modest, less wanting. 

Make me dead, if you like - 

But dont let me Live like tkat. 

How changed is the world, 
No worries for money, 

'"^o duties that others could not fulfill, 

No health to spring to do - to play - to laugh -- to eat- 
to walk -- to work and be satisfied. 






make 




i ■ r^ Av ^^ ^ 



BOX 303 



BURLINGTON lOAA 5260! 



TUEPHONt 3.9 7i4 7io6 jW 7',4 89/7 

Mari^h l'2, 1978 



Mrs. Marianne Berel, Fo.M. 

UCP - broGklyn Hehat i li tati-.n Ccinpus 

lib Lawrence Avenue 

Brooklyn, I.'Y 11230 

Dear Mrs. Berel i 

InTJ' TtM r.'? ^^^^^^^i"^^ ^^ a ^cpy <m- >oui late sisi.r*. 
poem. I think it i^ beautiful. 

Cculo you oiant me peimicsion to use it ^ithrr in our news- 
letter or in some of my writinns? 

Sincerely, 



I 

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Inc 



Orvilie H. Kelly 



EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR 

ROONEVA MITIMAMP JO 



DIRECTORS 

OHvilLtK KtLLV 

^V*fc♦ T(M«, Cownl K)OfXJrr 



DON AiNTl w M O 



»» « «'Chi ooogmnoju 



JOHfti W VICh IU% 



OB tOuiJS CtHMAROT 
10-I0» ^^t<.Of^'tMt< or»..\1 



OB CABLMULiN 

OONNAPECttCR.B N 

So«l^e4^»ef n Cftmmwn.i, Coiif^* 

OR HAHRV PSCCOH 
0'fti.lo* Ouif««ir. M.n.tir.et 



tH4 MANOA KtLLY 



HONORARY 
DIRECTORS 

TMt MOSOHABLt MOafcBT O RAY 



OR NORMAN VINCENT l>EALf 
P4«lrling. H V 



MILLIAMS CHAY 

N«i>Qn4 •€<•»(«/ in>i,iuir 

N«i<on4i in%i.iuir%oi Me«im 

»»l*l>l.< M»Allh S^, ce 



OH iOnH HOAK M O 

C •»■€• [>rt>«rlrr,rni i>i HcmAlolOfly. 

On<oiog» 

Un.v»f %.ly 01 tcm« M(np,i4i| 

'<w»AC.ir "o** 

OH ttlSA«tTMKU«LER RO»t.M0 
riowrnoo*. Ill 



fr^ 



OiVIUI f Kllit 
FOUNOm 



f W 3lt S 6ih 

• •uriingion. lowo S260I 

% 319 7S4.M77 



bu t yet - 



^d yet - how fateful should I -eel To u 

Healthv children hu.h h ' '^^"'^ ^'^ 

:Liclren. husband, friends, but vet 

How chan^_?ed looks the brooir T -. 

DrooiL, I cannot sweep, 
How changed the needle. I cannot sew . 
How cha..e. the .a.den . no st.en.^.h to tend. 
-wch,:.^ed the cu.ta.n . Ic.^not wash, 
-ow chan,^ed the na^ls wxthout .an.cure 
-ow chan^^ed the book, 1 cannot r.ad 



FLEETING 



MOMENT 



Only RLAlin 
Only worry --. 

^nly hope 

Oh Gd . . . . 



— -- the pain, 
- the dirt, 

for change - 
. .HELP ME. 



R 



M B E R . 



THE 



FUCHSIA 



While we lived i 



n Berlin durlni^ the first 



my father brought my mother for 
particularly nice Fuchsia pi 



war(lQ17) 



a special dav 



plan t 



T>i 



ere were !::ajny pretty red bells t 



delight 



o my paren t ' s 



I 



The 



n 



ext morning Verale 



bedroom ind said 



appeared in my parent's 



r. 



^uck mal"(look here) 



and she 



had picked all the bl 



ossoms in t 



o her acron 



yet times 



My parents were anusevi 

that the destruction of a litt 



were so upsetti 



n^ 



le enjoyment was 



di s tressi 



ns 



HANSEL AND GRETEL 



VrTien I was four 



, my mother prepared me with 



great 



care to go to the opera to see "Hansel and Gretel 



She had plaved th 



e music many times and we had b 



een 



smgingsome of the themes and knew the 



s torv 



Thus, ready to go with me 



Verale cried 



out she wants 



to go also. My mother, however reluctant to t 



ake a 



two year old 



cons en ted 



erale sat transfixed and watched 



But 



when the witch appeared wi 



:h an electric bulb fo 



a nose, going on and off, she screamed with fear 
"I did not want to go ! I did 



not want to 



^o 



f It 



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D © r 



Strietzel (ClVd^LAH) 



In l'U7 my father was obliged to move t 



to Berlin, where h 



enporarel y 



rented a fumisiied apartn 



for U5 and my mother hi 



en t 



help her with the 



ed a woman, "Frau '•en^en,'' ti 



household. Pood was scarce, which 



compelled -ny .-nother to go to the market 



at ^ o'clock m the morn 



>equen tly 



^ng to stand in line for 



some goat meat. Often she returned di 



everything had bee 



n sold out bef 



It was mostly uncle Ise(Wa Kraft 



sappointed when 



ore It was her turn 



us with black market f 



'ather, who supplied 



ood ) who kept us ali 



ve 



Since I was blessed with a low metabolisnil di 
.1 lot of food for my well being. How 
different for Veral e , who graduall 



d not need 



er, it was 



of misery 



Moreover, sh 



y looked a pictur 



e 



e wetted her bed and 



absence of my mother, was be iten by ^ ra 
My mother called a doctor, but I d 



in the 



u Wengen 



le was successful 



.n any case w 



o nor remember if 



e were aJl scared of 



rau engen: my mother, since she could not 



else, Verale afraid of 
everything and everyone 
Wlien we returned to Breslau 
a doctor suggested that Veral 
meals , such 

Verale to 



being hit, ai;d I afr 



get anyone 
aid of 



about a year later (Nov. 191S ) 



as a 2.breaJcf 



ist 



e be 
I>iu 



fTiven meals between 



ex- 



eat and she developed the hibit of 



erybody encojra^ed 



than she needed perhaps because she iiked 



eating more 



One day an en 



ormous Strietzel wi 



e located 



and somehow could not b 

the car? or packed m a suite 

all over. 

Thus , i 



s baked f 



:o make us laugh 
or the weekend 



as 



t placed i 



n 



ase? -^he maids looked 



, m a joke one of the maids approached Veral 



suggesting she had eaten 



bl.imed for all kind 



it all. Verale, fr 



timid voice : ''Yes 



I -^ 



3 of mischief, admi 
did. •• 



equen tly 



tted i 



n a 



THE 



TEMPLE 



My parents were not religious, but the high holidays 

were kept to some degree and they went ro the temple. 

One day when my parents considered to take me along, 

Verale wanted to go as well. 

Ober.joyed with this pro pect, she then -\sked: 

"VHich book can I take along?" 

Great was her disappointment when my mother tried 

to explain what one does in the temple. 



(They should have given her a bible, but I do not 
think they had one. ) 



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THE 



5 H A M POO 



Verale expressed her unnappiness about her ugly 
hair majiy times, wni ch broug-ht my mother to the 
point of askJ.n(^ me what I do w3 th my hair ajid 
why it looked so different from Verale' s, 
Proudly I gave a description of how I wash my 
hair and my mother pointed out to Verale that I 
washed it twice. 

Now she knew, but she was not ready to do it 
my way - it was against her priJe to do 
what 1 did. 



PRESENTS 



Birthdays, as well as Chris tmams, were considered 
important milestones in our lives. There were flowers, 
caices , dinners, and friends and, of course, presents. 
We were given pocketmoney every Sunday with which we 
could do what we wished, 

it was not very much, however, I manared to save a 
little or do something to get my presents ready. 

Verale thought of it perhaps, but did not do anything 

about it. '^o when Christmas came - or a birthday, she 

seemed suprised that it was already " tomorrow. '^ 

Frequently she was prevented from readying her presents 

by sickness or a cold day or a trip we had to take 

at the last minute -- 

and then she cried. My mother felt sorry — but 



I 
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THE 



CHROME 



BOX 



M Y 



MOTHER 



V A C A T I 



We both were very fond of chocolates, and 
frequently my parent's friends -is well as relatives 
brought us a box with sometnin^. 



fh 



us my CTother supplied each one of us with a pretty 



me ta 



box in which we were supposed t 



o keep our 



chocolates 



However, Verale's box was always empty since shi 
ate it all at once - while 1 had chocolates for 



m 



any weeks. I cleaned and shined my box, makinr: small 



I 



My motAher knew how much we would miss her when 
she went away, ao she had the in^renious idea to 



give 



each one of us a box with individually 



wrapped presents - one for each day she wnuld be 



awav 



She thought that this would g:ive us somi 



consolcition for her absence. 

^^owever, she hardly had the door closed, when 

^erale opened all presents at once. 

But then she was sorry she did it, when she 

obser^/ed me unpacking every dav mother nresent 



layers of it -- but Verale did not seem to care 



THE 



H U 3 B E R 



BUBBLE 



Of particular interest to all of us, but esDecially 

for Verale vri th her behoved friend '^licel, was a 

snail rubber piece which, when placed on a faucet 

would blow UD like a balloon. 

Squeezed between two fin^-ers they woul 1 run to the 

front terrace intending to suprise passing pedestrians. 

Great was their glee when they saw so eone with a 

pretty hat to provide a moving tar/-et to shoot at 

with a stream of water. 

Sometimes they succeeded, which angered my father 

since he was obliged to pay for other -eonle's hats. 



I do not remember how it ended 



"D 



ELECTRI5CHE 



In front of our house in Breslau passed the 
electric tramway (die ^1 ec tri sche ) . 
I dont Icnow who ^ave Verale the idea to throw 
pebbles at its windows - but one day she succeeded 
only too well. 



Scared with the uproar she had achieved, she 
ran home for "safety." 

To her great suprise my father confronted her with 
tne knowledge of what she had done while infonr.in^ 
her oi the enormous price he would Lave to pay for 
the window she had hit. 
(She never did it a^ain.) 



THE 



CLOSET 



Each one o 



f us had a large wnite lacquered closet 



where cat clothes aj:d and e 



T^wcw were kept, but there 



was a^so enou/x-i room 



for whatever we wisiied to put 



o one w?s sup^ 



osed t 



-^ see 



to it t n a t order was k o p t 



s X n c e 



jiy Ji o 



;her's Daasion was to make us mdependen 



The sight of Veral 



e 3 Close 



t w IS 'onaescrxbabl e 



At one time sne m 



ailed me a photo taken from a 



closet belonging to one of her Yemenites - that was 



the way ae 



r closet looked 



I am sure she su 



ffered - it smelled of urine, the 

dowrj , everything seemed to be 



shelves were faJ^ling 

Just thrown in -- 

But apparently she did not know ar) y better 



THE 



TREE 



Verile 1 
Ve had s 



oved to climb high 



u 



P in tree; 



^me in our garden m Bresi 



was a cherr; 
hous e . 



tree m Zobt 



au but her deligh 



en. where we had our weekend 



On 



e evening, while we had company in the gard 



climbed the tr( 



en 



e quietly and th 



en 



lignted some powerful 



I scaring ever* 



she 
on9» 



red mat 



ones 



that th 



e tree were in flam 



f giving the impress! 



on 



es 



She chuckled 



fith pleasure ,and exci t 



agitation she caused 



enent about the 



amo 



ng the adu: ts 



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WEDDING 



READING 



Verale w 



as a passionate reader 



At the time that we were supoosed to be sleeping 



she 



supplied herself with a flashligr. t and read 



hours with it under her blanket 



read 



However, during the day when sheTCmd r»ad, she did 
not think of tajcing the book with her to the batnroom 
but read on holding: her hand against her genitals 
to hold the urine in until 



well 



until It wab usually a bi t too late 



VeraJe came to Paris for my wedding. Loaded with a 
suitcase full of presents, she tried her best to 
make it as festive as possible. 
However, she was also taken aback with the poverty 



n 



wnich WQ were obliged to live. There was not a single 
present I would remember today and I dont tKink there 
was any present which could possibly have made me hapny. 

Verale looked at all these pretty things with satisfaction 
which had be<?n so carefully selected for me -- but she 
was at a loss to c nsole me. 

Apparently she felt excited to be with me in Paris 
enjoying the occasion and the delicious food in a nice 
French restaurant with my husband's business friends. 
Then she left. 

My sadness about gettmf^ married s le could not possibly 
understand; neitner did I grasp it at the time. 

Today I know, and, wnile thinking about these times 
even now, I feel the same profound disappointment 
about that marriage, which was mixed with overwhelming 



ajixi e 



ties about tne future 



THE 



NUT 



CAKE 



As you may icnow Verale was very Droud of her cooking 
and bakAng, Thus, one day, when I came home from Paris 
to Breslau we wsmted to give a party just like it * 

used to be • 

Living in rather impoverished conditions in Paris, 
Breslau had forvthe flavor of "wealth" in spite of the 
Nazi era. To give me a good time Verale planned it all 
with great love and anticipation in all its details. 
Ma-king a nut cake presented "the crown" of her contri- 
bution . 

It was summer - in Germany nuts ripen in the fall - 
refrigeration was unknown in those days. Consequently, 
it must have been difficult for her to even find the 
nuts she needed - but she succeeded. 

^owever, she did not realize that nuts which had been 
picked m the previous fall had the tendency to be bitter 

The people came - former friends and flirts, all dressed 

up in bow ties, '/hen she cut the cake and was the first 

one to taste it, sn.e cried out: 

'*DCNT TOUCH IT • IT IS BITTER" 

and her face showed profound disappointment. 

I felt very sorry, but assured her, that a nice party 

does not have to have a nut cake. 

I dont think she believed me. 



^ -■- 



VERALE' S 



WEDDING 



In March 1938 Verale' s wedding began the evening before in 
Dr. Berenblum's house. My parents were there, Walter cind I 
had arrived, when hanvlsonie Ernie appeared on the scene 
in a taxi. Verale seemed "startled" which "alter immediately 
noticed, exclaiming: ?It is not too late changing your 
mind. Vera ---" She blushed and kept silent. 
Wh_ile getting ready to sleep I was not sure whether or 
not I should give her some advice. She felt this and in 
no uncertain terms told me, that she was fed up and 
does not want "to fool around anymore" uDon which I pre- 
dicted a baby in 9 months time, 
^avid arrived punctually in Q^^®*"^*^' 

Verale married in black velvet, something we discussed 
years after her divorce, while I reminded her, that I 
got married in dark brown, obviously neither one of us 
anticipated "naradise" in o':r marriage. 

IXxring the ceremony I felt rather "guilty'* not to wear 
any gloves. Someone seemed to watch me and handed me 
one of her w^ite gloves, which I accented with delight, 
^his was H.innah -- 

The big dinner which followed in London at i5ownside 
Crescent overwhelmed aie . I loved it a-1 1 , but I spoke 
no ^nglish and did not know anypne, which confused me. 
Here I came from a furnished room in Paris, and now 
here for Verale everything looked so lavishly rich, 
•^ woman apDroached me, placed her hand under my chin 
and said: "You will sit next to me, you are home here.'* 
This was Granny. 
She kept me in London for many weeks. 



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S A F E D 



When I came to Israel for the first time. I believe 
it was in 1952 Verale lived in a nice apartment with 
a terrace. 

David was in a kibbutz. a.>d '^i thx e , rather shy »n*d 
perhaps "afraid- of me. wlaked about wrapped in a 
aiuge blanket and even tried to eat that — when 
Walter put a stop to that, 

rriendly and affectionate was handsome Jonny with 
whom I haa great -parties" in the bathroom, ^hen I 
presented Jonny clean and combed to Verale she 
just said:"this is'nt Jonny." 

Although I was not an -'merican citizen. I was en- 
titles to food coupons which Verale saved untH we 
only had rice to e,.t. Then she entered the store 
as if she were in paradise. 

When Veral. travelled by car for her job. she took 
this opportunity to snow aie a bit of the land. 
In fact over the years , e saw to it. that I had 
been practically evervwhere. 

At one time we were in Safeu which delighted me. 
While Verale had to ,,, someone. I walked by myself 
through the town aoiniring the mercnandise in their 
pretty shops. 



Later I told Verile about a copper lined 
cerainic bowl with little black hearts aro'xnd 
which had t.i.-;en my f oicy. t 

•e had to leave early the next :nomin(T, but some- 
how she u\ajia.c,ed to steal away from me and, to 
my suprlse, presented me the bowl it our deparmre. 
Without me she had found the right shop and the 
bowl I had described. 



The bowl stands here on top of my bookcase and 
^ speak about this memory each time I use it. 



i 
I 
I 
I 



FRIENDS HI P 



Ve talked endlessl 



y when we saw each other and 



I know she talked a ^reit dea. 



with my mother 



as 



well as with her various girlfriends 



But one day she canie to the concl 



us ion that 



"formerly one always tnou^ht the other 
able to help - but no." 



m a V be 



I should have told 



her wnat I ':cnow today, that 



talking alone t 



o someone you tr'ust, relieves 



one of pressure, and seems to clarif 



y one ' 3 



thinking, which actually i 3 
one is seeking. 



the help that 



T H F 



KISS 



Except for my mother I did 



not lik 



e to kJLss 



anyone. I never even kj.s.sed Veral 



e 



As adults, often with vears of 3 



er^aration 



between us 



■e just hugged, but not ki 



ssed 



Considering this behavior th 



rou^hout our lives 



it was therefore the more touching: when she 
tenderly caressed mv back 



behind oie m her littl 



operation • 

i felt int 



, while st.anding 



e room after her 



enaely, that she would have liked t< 
kiss rae, but as with th« moment at the piano 
I knew we both would have be ;un ta cry and it 
would have placed both of us under tremendous 
emotional strain. 



I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
t 

I 



When one be^Tins t 



o weep, then one cannot 



stop it anymore 



said my 99 year old "Mutti 



Biy former girlfriend's mother.) 



I 
I 
I 
I 



B I 1. E D 



BEEF 



In those days in Breslau working men U3ually came hom 



to have their "Mi t ta^^easen " ( a midriay xe 



al) 



In our hoiDfi tn::s con si a 



ted of 



souD, warm m»jnt., ootatoes 



aomf? rrravy 



jui cc wi t 



V, 



vcf^otables, salad and stewed f loii t . 'Grenadine 
Jots of water w is oermitted as a drink, but 



only af ter the meal. 

To the supriso of evervone at a relatively yo'jm^ a/^e I 
resisted eatin;^ all this in the middle of the day. 
Vehuda, brnu/^nt up in the same tradition, insisted upon 
these mcils in spite of Israel's climate. 
Thus in 1972 (a year after their man-lag-e) Verale con- 
fronted me in the middle of August with such a meal, 



which I politely refused. 

Vith her expressive eves she looked at 



me exclaammg 



1 am not going to imagine that you do not love me 



because you dont like my mea 



I ft 



I laughed -- but by contemplating this moment in 



pers'-ec ti ve 



there were just two different lifestyles 



wiiich seem to clash with my innibition to 
beef during the '^ugust. heat at lunchtirae. 



eat boi I ed 



I 
I 
I 
I 



HER 



TASTE 



I 



Being her sister VeraQe alw 



ays seemed to have 



difficulties with 
the habit of not s 



my suggestions, so I got in t( 



uggestmg anything 



However, when I saw her th 



e last tim 



e m 



srael 



she admitted not to have good taste ' an 

to arrange her apartment. 

On a wired hanger she got fro 



d asked how 



m the cleaners she 



had all her necklaces h£ini. 



ns on tne wall 



^o as 



the first item I 



suggested to put her 



jewelry some- 



where else and sur*?l 



not hanging on the wall 



This suprised her to no end, which I thought rather 



amusing since it was such obvious bad tast 



e 



I 
I 
I 
I 
I 

I 
I 



R U T H I E 



YEHUDA 



Verale told me: • 

that when Ruthie w.is assi^. ed to 
march in an officiel parade, she took i- "in a stride." 
But then, when it actually happened and she saw 
Ruthie in her Israeli 'oniform, she was overcome 
with emotion, pushed herself throuf^h the crowd and 
VI tn all her strength called out: ' RUTHIE !" 

How well I understood tnis - 

For as, wno experienced the Nazi time it was a 

feeling bey .nd measure. 

Her own child in Israel marching for an Israeli 

parade filled her not only with axi immense pride 

but aulso with an undescribabl e victory over all 

t>iOfle hurdles she had to overcome, 

.\nd. sc' , by seeing Ruthie, young, healthy and pretty, 

this glorious moment of perfect happiness returned 

her belief in "Justice" amd the satisfaction of 

havin<J done her share. 



Verale was happy when she met Yehuda and still happier 
when she married hxm. But tiien things seemed to go the 
wrong way. 

She loved the apartment "alter had provided for her and 
she could not share the enthiisi.ism Yehuda exrressed con- 
stantly about his own place. 

r>very time I saw her (which was not too often) she spoke 
of little things Yehuda had said, which embittered her, 
I do not remember the details, but I do remember her 
sharp answers to him she repeat':?d to me. 
And so she got sick. 

Verale seemed happy when I came to see her for Passover - 
I believe it was 1976 - :\nd she expressed her appreciation 
agaan and again. It was ifter her big operation \nd she 
looked almost like m'> giandino ther ■^chiff. 

On my arrival there was not mucn to eat in the kitchen so 
I proposed to go and buy a few things, but since ^ only had 
dollars, I asK.ed for some money. * 

Yehuda, who was standing next to me, immediately put his 
hand in the pocket to g^ve me some money. 

Suddenly Verale jumped up and screamed : "Don t take an>'' , ** 

money from him -- I give it to you," 

^en Yehuda silently left the room, she cried:" I HATE HTM - 
I ?iATE HIM and I am convinced I never would have gotten sick 
if I did not marry aim ,. my whole body is destroyed." 
And bitterly she wept. 

But then i t was Passover and she was looking for^ward to a 
nice party -with all her children and "children's children" 
as sne called her grandcni Idren . ^he wanted to look at her 
best and enjoy the love she would receive. It was a real nice 
party, we were 16 and she at her shinging best. 



I 



I 
I 
I 
I 
I 

I 
I 

I 
I 



HER 



CHILDRE*; 



The la^t t.me I aaw Verale m Liechtenstein. 
It was on a Sunday, 1 be.ieve ,^d . according to 
forrr.er tradition, we manicured our 
s run e time. 



hands at the 



We both knew th it it w ■» .» r^^^u ^- 1 

..ai: It w,>.s probably the last ri rual 

we had to^etner, when she said- 

•'I dont know .f I ^ave been of any use in mv ^ife 

but I know I have brought up three wonderful .eople 

and 1 .in proud of each one." 

■..^en I agreed wx th her, ,he lashed out accusing 

me of K^nowxn^ nothing ^bout such -eelings. s^nco 

I never had any chi'aren, and led a selfxsh 1-e 



(perhaps ) 



^> 1 



T r 



LUG T! 



(SHE LIES) 



••She l.es:.. Verale used to shout over our dinxn^ roo. 
table, thus accusing me when I told soneth^nc. 
NO Verale, I did not lie. 

Only you did not know it that fimo / 4 

iw tnat time (and neither did I) 

that everyone of us experiences things .n di-erent w.vs 

^en now, as 1 come to the end of this collection I 

feel that you may think that I am lym.j a^am. 

But Ver.ile, althou/;h vou do not exist w-i rh 

iiyt exist with us Tjr.-more 

as a human bem^, vou con^irij<» tr^ k« 

?s, . u wjn.inue to be among: all of us 

who knew and loved you. 

In the belief that mv " r«ve^ a t i on <, - .^ 

X -venations of vour life will 

be of interest to your children an.l your child-en's 
cnildren. I tool, the t.n,e and made the effort to nut 
all this together. 

I mav not have conveyed it -your way" but . tried to 
present it the w-v 1 remember it. 
"''^ill you forgive me? 

"Yes - No''" 
"Yes - No" 1, a g^e that we played .s little children 
before f.Ulin^ asleep, Occasional y , but rather soldo., 
one of us would a<jree and say san,e >s the other 



and so it is; "Ves .v„ 



t 'I 



And now your imimmy ' s sister: .M ^ p j ^ ^, .. 



^■hxle I have been ur^ed to give an acco-o^t of 
n-y own l.re, I .refor for cne moment to ,.:..iy 
attach a sumnary of my professional activities 



T I T : r 



• 01310 •'•he ram St 

Learning Disability Specialist 



■LJL,^- C A T I N 



1973 -d.M. 



-1-^66 M.A. 



^962 B.A. 



1961 



•^3ic Education ^n^^v, 

^^wxon, -eacners ^oiil*.**'^ 

Coiujnbia 'Jniversity 
Special Education 

Neurologicallv Imoaired r^ 

paired, Teacners College 

Columbia university 

Special Education 

^ien tal 1 y i<e r -:. rv4o^4 T 

y e carded, Teachers ^olle^e 

Columbia '-niversitv 

Admitted as an iinder^raduatA ,^ . 
at T.acners "olleg-e rli u ,^-^^'^'"t: 
wi rh ^o '-'i-'-effe, Columbia Univer^i m/ 

wi tn 69 credits for 1 i r^ ^ university 

xor iiie exnerienre 



P V B L I C A T I N S 



"Songs of Familiar and not so Ffuuiliar Melodies 

for Young Mothers and Teachers." 

edited by I aurence Xaylor, Ph.D. 

United Cerebral Palsy of NYC, Inc. October 1981. 

Dook Review: Jl . of >tusi c Therapy, vol. XIX, -'^ , 
winter 19^2, p. 233, by Yvette Herzog. 

"Teachi.vg Mathematics to a Mul tihandi capped Girl, 
A Case ^tudy," International Jj. 
Pesearch, vol.T^j 1978. 



of -'•ehabi 1 i tati on 



"Teaching Mathematics to a Mul ti handi capped Boy, 
A Case otudy." The British Society for the ^ tuav 
of Mental -^bno r-nal 1 t v , vol . 22 . Dart 2. -42 lQ7t^ 

Reprinted in the VisuaJ.ly HandicappecJ , -^12, 
Schindcle V'erlag, 1976. 

Reprinted by A^^I^T (Ass. for Educational ^echno^o^-) 
vol. 2, ^2, 1977. ^ 

"Music as a Facilitator for Visual Motor Sequencing 
Tasks in ^hlldren with Cerebral Palsy," 
(Together with Dr. Leonard Diller & Marilyn Orgel . ) 
Developnien tal Medicine &. Child Neuro : o "•/ . 
vol. 12 , »3, June 1>>71 . ~~" ~~ * 

Compiled a Bibliography on Music Therapv geared 

towards the Handicapped ""hild. 

United Cerebral Palsy Ass, of N . Y. S tate , Inc . I969. 



1975 



^ 



1976 



1979 



19^^o 



1982 



Listed in the Intemotional ^7:0 ' 3 '*ho 

In ^^aslc 'c M\isicians Jirectorv 

■ 

International 3iogra-hical Center, 
Cambridf^e, t-ngland. 



Video- Tape : 



i e 



m a cl 



1 V 






r* '^ed 



V_ V, , • i ^ 



V , - * ■^ ^^' n , 

I * ^ -^ '4 -If fi ! * 

Video; uon Brockway 

Video-Tape : 

The Application of a Color 3equ«?nce to 

teach Mathenatics to a ^tul tihandi c arped ""fir 
A C a s e S tu d v\ Video : ^on Brockwa y 

I 

Received Certificatt: of Merit 

from the In tema ti . Film 1 Peh.ib . ) Festival 

Fordliam University. 



Video-Tape : 

Learning Through Association r'rocessing 

A Case Study. Video: Don Brockway 

"Finalist' at the International Film 
(Rehab) Festival, 1982. 



1934 



Video- Tapes : 

"The Use of Music to Facilitate Learning" 
"The Application of a Color Sequence" 
"Learning Through 'Association." 
accepted for the Film Library by 
REH.vPFIlM - ^ division of 'Rehabilitation 
International USA. 



P H E 3 E N T A T I >; s 
as a volunteer ^czx^/izy : 



Teichf^r's Colle/re, Coliunbi.i Ln : y^r-. ^ ^ ,. . 



Dent, of Mc'ithernatics 

Dept. of ^,-irly ""hildhood 

Dept. of -Speci.il Education 

Dept. of .'iusic Tlierapy 

Dent. oT Audiolog-y 

Dept. of i^sycnoiogy 



Coney Isl.aiid Hospital: Psy cho-^duca ti cnai Center 

Manhatt.ai^ville Coll.?^ ^. lOirchaae, N.y. 

5th International Congress of the In t em^ t- s nr,-. i . 



Jer'aaalem, i97y. 

3rd International Conference fo 
Communication and Handican , 
ilel3inki, f^mland, l>-)cO 



r Special Education (EASE 8o) 



3th World ^onrress of Social rsvc hi.-.r^v 

Zagreb, Yugoslavia, IQ^l ""* ^^-^* 

(my paper accepted for publication by the Plenu. Press, London 

XV IS.VE InerTj^ot^ onal Music ^iu cnt.nn -o-^.^r-nce 
Bristol , :-ngland, 19^52 ■ ' ^ "^^ 

3rd International Sympo sirnn in Musi c , Medi cine PHn^.^s 

.and. Ther apy for the Han, n . > o^.^.r L-ll^cin^Education__ 

Ebeltoft, Denmark 19>i3. 



Included in V^VZRSITY r .ts- r.rr-j.. . 



versity .New York -ity 



.eachers -olle^e, Columbia Uni 
University of Gotheburg, Sweden 

Liberal ^rts C^iie.e. Dart.n^ton, ^evon. E^^land 
Kansas university, Kansas, USA 
Women's University, Denton Texas USA 
International Rehabilitation ^il.., Library 




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MINISTERC 
^^DE L'INTERIEUR 

DIRECTION GEnERALE 

DC LA 

SURETE NATIONALE 



DIRECTION DE LA POLICE 
, "^ OU TERHITOIRE 
- fT DES ETRANGE«8 



inilLni.fnr!*^* i' u wc aisi: 




^• BUREAU 
■ HPUI.SIOM 



LE m:kist:-u 

.u .-art.::!,* 7 de la 1 i du 







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P*r.»i . OU T" ' • . Jy »■ i *.-. '* 

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L« 11 np-ii t :on tijvaf t* ©it in«-.-r • 
4u ii7 «ax IbBE. ef.r re > | ^ >e 1 tlineft J 

• Po«irr» . » r«^ r<*l^* tcui e* rfti^et f 
} . dana '■ ■••nrvHll 'lo dii •rii . none 
"• 'Unj ti tk jaarvfi <* ns pr n n^^i^os «n 

i* :• : . i 'lu a u- ••atr^l'^9 « .. It 1«» wrt.; 
leTet-loi du - «iii lie^B. »iir !« polie« d» 
I'utaf It. 7ii« '. tun •/ »oi(it '!• e«t COnda 



J 6" MA/ taiO 



^ I'utar It. 7ii« : u<.n •! »oi(it 'i« e«f conna^nsiiona rch kui •^ri*ur« « on An 

Vu 1 'art tiL-i : r-r-^L-loi du 2 weA. ia3<B Dr,lv<>nt 

ies Jelinquar.is tiir^noli. des oirconstances att^tuantes ct 
du Bursis ^ 






i 



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It 

H i^r^tence de 1* Stranger susd^slgn^ I 




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4 



Corsldera^t] 
«ur i.e lerrii' Tn 
la sOiret^ pubiiqi ij 

Sur la pre 
y ^ ARRr.TE : 

•^^^■'^^^^ f/J'/ Arti^lf* '• - II est enj iri ale 8U5ri.B«ei? de sortlp 

Article a — Le KrATot'vai rcctcur G^ii rrd de In 3urtft6 
Wation-Ale #«l cJ<ir>- d« i'ex^cutiori du presant arrdl4 . 

L'tJxejL.* loft '" -vr . avoir lieu, en cas de tesoln, a^aa 
au doBicile Je I'a., -U 'u a'i <j aioile da l:er.- qui lui 
donnara 1 1 a.s i la . 

Ka.- a Fariij, la a;. ■ • <% 19 



/ 



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Pour aapliatiori 
Pour i Dlrtiteur ,- >ral de la t:uret^ rational© 
^^ So--.-:N©f du 7' Bureau, 



\ 



Cirtt Wim. IT t^ 



'''•' V/«<"«< I 



A^<i» t< (•*■*». t J 






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amsi 




-/X ^ /^ /^OiMM^ M .eicen no-h dortnin wieier komsen 




• e 



li»tti© 






4 • ■ A 






^w?-9:'v.i 



•n ir:-ie. :arf j'V-« #»irie 



VoTbchriften zuwi le: har. ie'. • . wlrd 
2u drei /a' : er. te&trafl. 



nnhafacolta di redtarci <|^J 
^ ipeciale iel Mlnistero dell 



o 



4 



ai'.re- Jerla . 

lii jui soppa, 16 .^ 

\. tr© anni dl carc< 



trauiiero sari 
©re . 



/. 





erft »^'^^L?•alo de ir.incia no puaio quedarse on esie^JP^s ni- 
■ :3»o sin jn p©r«i o Ispecial del iinisterio del Interior-, 
.2lo calificaio pnra oicederuo. 



©i." 



1 que «dr 

El-'extrar.jero que r.o re tjorfor ^4 A la.s disposiciones »as arriba 

i.s «ese !i trea anoc de 



"^' «aru loiTaila:- incurnra -ana j 'ina e 



enc^c el iBi ento. 




iipi ■mineiifiir^M 



o 



Cudzozieai'C wyda.ony z Krar.5jl|iie moze pozostawac w tym kn^v anl 
powraCHC da niego b-z .^pejj ; ifO ijpo^-izni^rua Mirasterjua Spr4«- 
fer.r. '^r-znych, ktire jeJynic n pr^io dawac r,ikove. 

Cudzozlemiec r.ie zistorow:' -y ill* f *'/z:zvi pole.er.io* lelzie 
podlegae Karze od -zesciu «.-• i«cj dk^ • : zech .at wiez:enia 






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'^: 




referture des Alpes Y.aritimes 

4** Division 
v.xreau de la Police 



Sauf-Coj 



VaL 




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Dom; 



T^iil 



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Pour le Prefet, 



p4* ire G4n^r^ pour la Poliee, 



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• '^n pour la sprti* -ie France, 

.^ i'j' ^e^ 

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IaDUANA DE PORT-fe^' 

Bnfra hay <f da . y^'^ 



\yO0 ^^^H m J^ (^^'^^f > ^K<,va' A^ V <<^j //\av»-» 





)S 3t»f*r ■ Lie id onteMore.* djvi'j 3S : !.: • '.^rrcV; 
ch^n hocBrv r-n iiuxT 



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ON y 



Mariaiino iJeiol 



I h.ive olHoii sjioken about Hi»- I'ol lowing; liiciili-nt lut recently 



8onu.M>no w 



lio believu.'i in r,od 



III 



ystery iir^icd me Lc) u L it in 



wri tiii^j 



.Hid t.cnti i L to you 



IL h.ii»p«"necl on account of an <ntiroly casual ^^cstart? un the 



part of I lopci. 



tri 



•(■rrn. 



» CI I tin (> 



f a V 



< ■ i 1 



u' ij c !i a«» t ojii y 



avod, but entirely traa.sl'j r. .•.•.! my i i lY- 



The person of this testimony 



II. (as i sh.-J 1 cal 1 him, ) 



was an -jiu 



ri cm bus inessni.iji (.t,".e 02) a ChristiiUi ( i ro Ct.s tim t ) 



w 



ho haii !iis own tlress business m 



N 



ew ^ork 



City 



When i c.uue to lwiu>w liiin his b v:kf^round st-cLied a bit "s i.uiy 
Me hail been divorced, remarri«'. with a s.rj. 



'ori^ovr-r, !u; 



was c lU 



(^h t t.dcint; a bribe vviilc on juiy duty, but these 



tilings did not upset me. 

What disturbed me was sumetiiitui he said whiic dinin.: in a 
restaurant, arousing my .aixicty that his behavior ton'anl me 
i/rht chan^;e, (wliich it did Sdine years l.iirr -) \nj told me 



that oveninf; 



about a love aiT.ir wliich li.id come to .ui t}nd 



whc^n the ^irl lied to him, »(?ars later, \vhon a nrJesi: 



ca 



lied K. with a requc»st that he visit tbe ,';irl , \/lu3 \/iis 



dying in a hospital, he rcrusel to see h«r, al t aou :h tlto 
priest toi«J him that this vv.is her last wxsli. 



"This IS all rubbish," ;.*; excJaimod, "the prii-'sts ^niy 
want money," 1 was a^jhas t , [)arti cul arl y so because it 
w.is in auch conti'^st t** v.li it i had seen Iji IiLmi, 
There was much para«lox in his i)orson.i 1 i ty , l^tt^lor 
generous to some .rnu ilw ly.s rotidy Vkjv i jood time, he 
CO lid proceed ru tlil cs.s 1 y towards others, 
i''or a iii.'ui who never went in chiurch except tu att<«nd a 
weddiiij: or a fiiner.iJ , who loved to t^lrink, ai.udve, cat 



and laujh, the foilowin, 
sii |)i'i sin^;. 



vents seei;» to the iiivoro 



.\s a youn, 



ewLsii refu^;i.>.' iroiii Nazi ''i.riiUiny i lived with 



my lius 



beUjd in I'.iris 



aid 



met ii, wi.il e 



was 



A repre- 



SQ 



ntative for a desif;ner .-.ellin/j fasaon bel t.-D 1 



n 



Hotel lobby. It was the Fail of l^y) iid 1 \; . .^ living: 
with falst-' papi.rs .ilone ui a tiny I^iinLshefl r«jt>m, 
'utterly cut olf from fiumly and fi'ieuds, i.iy hush. ail in a 



i'V(-'nch ijiLernmcnt Ciu/i(3 .aid rny fiimiJy I i vln,': in l>irrl 



md 



in 



roCiirious circ uiis t.aices 



received my mc. 1 s in a 



wel V le iM tclien 



aid 1 ivr I with the ni,,ht.iiare of i.i.ikin/: 



my rent payment, fhe futaie was bi.tcl^. 

Thus, \/hen 1 i.ie t -^t ho ctiMe into iny 1 i f «? Jiico ui in/^el, 

^^e had ju.-. t returned fro..* **-ome , wucr^r he iiad ..one out of 



heer curiosi t 



to «ittei> i au audi en CO 



i th the 1 oi)o 



Min;;ling in a crowd of the faithful, h.e, q-iite ]>y chance 



received a blessing froni the I'ope 



- 3 - 



Al thou,';h he inacJe li^^iiL ul^ hia own r<:cJin,:b, lie admitted 
to have buen very Luuch«.il , rmd ima^jififMl tliat fate had 
chosen hini to do a good dcM,'d in consuiinence of this 
bi o.sMin^:, in i.ioetin;^: m<- in l'ari3 and i«?.. rnln.: of my 
situation, ho s'dcJonly ccided (.i^> -^ later 'c riioil) 
tliat it was i:jo wiio iicoih.-d hih /;;ood dc(?d, riii:> w..s only 

too true. 

1 .Tiow to trust hi.ni, h(; h(»inj oldei- arid liohavinj like 
a Tatacr, .'^ivin/: a-^jaur i/i(:<.".s , that lio v/.is ,';.)iii,; ld lielp 
me and w.>ni<.l brin;; uio to the US any tliiie I wjshed. 
Durin,; the sliort periotl 1 Ivnew hiiii in i'aria tlii.s trust 
quickly developed into a lovin.: kind of worship, 

A fov; K.ontha later, iii l-a? Spring' of l^^^^t «ui oiTicial 
notice in all newspapers obli(;ed mo to f^o to a detention 
center in a sports arena (Velodrome d' diver) for u'hat 
was described as 2^* houi-.s of procoi>;-.in^:. 
The ':h hours turned xnL(j j weeks o i" unii:ia^:in; 1)1 e 
hara.ismcnt, ^hc place w ..-^ an ^unazin.: .si;;ht. 8»oO0 
women cr^u.uiied to^;ether, t>loepin^^ on strawb.'i/;.s wi t}i 
dozens of rrench soldiers watcliiut: froiii to\,'ers in un- 
endini': 2k - houi* electric li^;!it, inadequate tuilet 
facilities, .aid endl(?;.H hoir-s of continuously dr nin/r 
loudspe Jeers - it was .i n i ^;ii tiiiare • There were suicides 
aliMust every ni^dit, not lo menti(ui the c instant rumours 
and psychological pro.ssnres. Finally we woi^oyi lippod in 
locked cars to the Sp^mi-sh frontier to the notorioiis 
Ccu.ip of Gurs* 



- 4 - 



If U, W(?rc iletcri.iined lu -e t me tv> the US hi- now nad 
no aildross of laine, noi* could he possibly locate mo, 
^**oi*eover, iiuiil w.i.s c»^n.soi-eil .is well as uni'o 1 i .ibl e. 
^triUiTe as it may aoujul , my confidence in tais luui 
and in si>i te of all odd:>, my optimism xn a l)ettor 
future prevailed, 

On^ diiy, after a fc\/ distressing \/'*okM in 'nirs wo 
wore told secretly that .->()meone was le win,-; within an 
hour who would be able t^ smu^.jle our inai 1 out of 
France, Since ■*■ Icnew only a little ^n/^lisli t \.roto a 
note to a tlist.mt relative in *Vnv torlc inste.id of to 
U, , indicating; li's i)iionr number .uivl address, •ar;;in(j 
him to infonn U, of my \»hereabouts as soon as i>ossible. 
In my childish notions -boat future possibilities J- 
added, tat 1 would in .^j ce by *^eptei:d:)er 1 (if not 
earlier) .uid to please iiail me some iioney to the 
'wnericiJi i-xpress there. 

On June 19 19^0 l-'etain aliook ^*i tier's h.ind winch was 
followed by an anuistice. 

At this moment the ^-'iptain of *-'urs r)roclair.ie«i ; " Sauve 
qui peut!"- r.ieajiin;: that anyone wisiiinj to leave the 
cam{>, may lio so. Many left, but died on the roa«i since 
they did not real ize w!iat it memt t > w:uHlor without 
trains, without shelter lU 1 not cnoujh money for food* 
I foresiiw tills d n^er in«l remained ii\ tiie Ciu.ip until 
trains wore schoduLed a.siin, which took two months! 



mf0 



- 3 - 



In t'lo mcajjtime 1 had arr ui^jecl to J e.jvo \. i tU .i com- 
panion wlio vva3 willing; Lo i^ive mo some r.njncy .since she 
was cripp'ed and n^odetl help. 

Thus in the middle of "^Uj'.ust -*- .irrivo«l in '«ico at Lhe 
i\jiicric:uj ^xpreas. **owcver, .since tlic ^Mnei'icaii Government 
liad decided not to alJow ar)y money to bo sent to Krajice 
in the belief that tJie Nazis wf>uld confiscate it, ^^. 
had aj^r.in^Ted tliat money bf mailed from 'Switzerland where 
he had a business Irienci, "I'tor some wieks of ^re 1 1 
anxiety the money arrlv<Mi! 

In order to c^t me a visa to the US H. obviously con- 
sulted a lawyer who Icncw about lioosuve J L ' s deciision to 
issue emergency visas undei" an or(;.inization called 
"The lVosidcnt*s Advisory Conunittee." 

Tliese visab were i.ie ai t foi' [)ro fession il s such is \/riters, 
conductors or other in tc? 1 1 «;c tual s of in Lcniatieiinl re- 
putation md in d-tn^jer due to the situation at tlie time. 
SureJ y such a visa would not be avail ibl<? to a person like 
me, ^et R. succeeded in obtaininj such a visa l^nr mo - 
how - -*■ d< not l\Jiow, 

Perhaps a discreet ^If^ ^'> •»^> influential secretary, perhaps 
money ch.ai{^in^ hands throu^^;!! a lawyer wlio luie\.' someone, 
^n for tuJM tely for a lon^j time 1 did not understand 
sufficient ^n^lish so that -^ could ask liLm dei.iiled 
questi'>ns about tliis e;)isodo. 

The fact remains I received a visa from the 'Mnerican 
•^onsulitte in *^ice. That it was illegal -^ only Icnew when 



- 6 - 



the FDI vlsitevl me in *'ew ^ork to inves titrate my status 
in the US, 
(To rive a description of tho many details \/1ilcli wore 
necor. sary to achieve the <:<'^1 "^ '"y arrival in tho US would 
entail m;uiy more pa^es and not necessarily enhance It* s 
person 1 1 i ty . ) 

WTiat remains is the ox t ra*) rdinary rosturo of a m;ai, who 
must have spent a ^re.it d«^al of time, cucrjy anvl money 
to malvC my rescue possible, t 

1 was happy when 1^ Cijue, althou^jh ^ suffered wliat is 
commonly called a "culture shock" frequently railing into 
Ijrcjfoiuid clepi'ossions of luuoLiness. 

^c?in^ (le[>riveti of faiuily .uni friends, wi thout,.iouey , lackin^j 
peniiission to ttUco a job, 1 was entirely dependent on 
this iii.ui. 'Mthoui'^h he tried to be nice, he was after all a 
stringer wuosc cultural background 1 hai^4ly undcrstoori. 
Many years i)assed :uiA cradua L 1 y -*- adjusted, but then a 
rather ^icJy separation took place .viMi -^ was obliged to 
make life over a^ain , eventually leading nic to return 
to school, 

I final ly si'.cceedcd in lin.vin/: my now life "i th my r)revious 
oducr.ti'U in irasic, ' nd for the past 20 ye rs -ly \.'ork has 
consisted of liel[)inc handic.pped cliildron, icarainc to 
brin;: tliom many moiiKMits o i' h ii>py lau/jhtor by u iin/: (iitsic. 



Thus, "the iiyetery" remains s 

^k casual I'io.-.turo of a ^'op.; moved a non-be] iev(M' to ultimately 
turn the life of an innocent person like mo into someone willing 
and able to contribute constructively in a ficlfl where optimism 
and creativity are needed most. Without ^*. ■*• would have been 
<jbli(;ed to remain in *-Mrs from where more than 20.(>00 people 
were shipped to Hi tier' a monstrous ovens. 




Vor 46 Jahren in der Vorweihnachtszeit 

Deportation jijdischer 
Burger ins Getto Riga 

Stadtarchiv bittet um Hilfe fur eine Ausstellung 

Bielefeld (NW) Heute yor 46 Jahren begnnnen fur judische Burger Bieletelds 
die Deportationen zu den Vemichtungslagern im Oslen Der erste Transport 
vom 13 Dp/ember 1941 brachte fast fausend westfalische Juden ins Getto 
Riga Nur wenige uberlebten Das Stadtarchiv Bielefeld mmmt das historisclie 
Datum 7um AniaB um au' e;n Projekt hinzuweisen bei dessen Verwirklichung es 
der Mithilfe von Zeitzeugen Dedarl. 



13 Dezember 1941. Guterbahnhof Bielefeld Der Transportzug vor der Abfahrt 
nach Riga Die Juden im Zug suchen BeKannte unter den neu ankommenden ju- 
dischen Familien aus Bielefeld. Foto: Stadtarchiv 



I" f^K'otier nach'jten Janres soil eme 
A. • .-g'zum TMema . Sechs Jaf^r- 
f-.u'^'JeMe |i^'1.v:rien Lpr)er,s im RauTi 
Bieiefei'l ero^fneI vvtraen Aria3 ist der 
50 Jaf^'-estag des Novembe'pogroms 
von 1938 Dei dem a^^h die Bieieteider 
Sv^agoge zerstort wurde 

Der VernichtungsKreuJ/jg der Natio- 
naisc^raiisten wrd m der Ausstenung 
viel Raum einnenme" Afcer auch d'e 
b'S^^er se'ten bedachten Anfange ]udi- 
scf^en LeDers im mitteiaiterschen Bie'e- 
feld die A^a PreuBens der Autschwung 
der jud sc^^e^ Gememde seit dem '9 
Jahrh'jnderl der VViedertjegmn nach 
1945 und die Bie>efcider Gegenwa''! sol- 
len e'^thaiten sem Erstma's entsteri! en 
Dokumentarfilm m dem Zeitzeugen und 
K nder der Holocaust Uberiebendcn :c 
V\orl Kommen 

Das Stadtarchiv b !tet nun um Unter- 
stul^ung und Suchl. 



• Fc'os von ludtSChen Schyl- und Ve' 
e-^sKame'aden Freunden Nacnbam 
BfKanf-.ten von GebaucJen die m |uc3i- 
schem BeS'tj sta^den (ducn 19 Jahr- 
hundect) 

• Brefe Aufzeichnungen Oder Gegen- 
i.'ande von [ud'SChen Mitburger^ 

• Zeitjejgen die verfotgten JucJen ge- 
ho'fen Oder S'C verslecKl haben 

• Schiider'jpg"n von Ermnerungen an 
judiSC^e Mitbjrger und von besonderen 
VorHommnissen vor und nach 1933 

Alie Informationen werden verVauiich 
benandeit Personennamen auf Wunsch 
anonymisiert Fofos Gegenstande uncJ 
Do>*ume"te sonen nur a's Leingabe ge- 
nuizt werden Kontaktadresse Dr Mo- 
nica Minmngc Anke Stuber Stadtar- 
chiv und landesgescrMcntiicr.e Bbho- 
t-^ek Rohrteichstrafle 19 Tel 5168 46. 
5; 68 40 und 51 24 n 



-A 



1' .Iff IT 



■V]\--: TIM!-: OF VD.M' . TMENT 



The i'irst Fen Years 



M 1 rianne Ho rel 



iif'^S 



i 



o 



y 



r^ 



o 



- 133 - 



Hi^FORE rirvRi. 



iAR;ir>ii 



So here I was. I had saved my life, escaped the 
war and cd:tio to tho man 1 trusted. 

Yet, -*- felt as if ^ were at the bottom of the seal 
a^::aln. Since I lived in I'tris with mv liusband for 



many years, it had become my second hon, 



peakinf^ 



French - linos t like natives, v;o had acqnired some 
friends and established .1 household however modest 



V,nt "ow 



v/as alone*, wit out an v le.^al docii- 



trients, notr in*: to do and stripT>ed of evcrvt^ii 



1 <.'Vor ii.Ad 



•j.ilizin;;^ myself utterly der^endint 



on one nmn's ^^'him , • m.-n who was tnarriod, bo] 



nnr^rir. 



to a different cnltnro, 'i dif'erorit .'cener iti 



on 



ex[)ressod r.iy feelin s in my diary with the ^/ords : 
'»'./e all die it one time in our life v;ithout 



bcin.": buried 



'ur f I te accomplished 



wo 



have received every thin/^ ! i f e was ible to 



fJIVG 



anrl we h ive j^iven evervthin/r ^'C have 



v/itliin us 



rt, 



I :.tever comes aftor this point 



does not deserve the label 'life 



"Tlie worJd is full with T:)eople who hnve 
died but did not !:uow it. <'nly a few have 
the privi 1 e;';e to die at tlie rnotnont v.dien 
their life came to an end." 



(frnnsl 'ted frcnn berrnm with no reference indicated 
- but obviously referrin/^ to my time in >.'ice -^ just 

loft, where I know a ^;ro.') t deal of happiness with a 



rn ai 



1 -^ called ' i'ori tz 



) 




•'^ 



- 13'4 - 



Tn my drive for indcpendenco my Tirst decision 
u »s to rind A nl ce to live ;ind ?ny Lion i as i called 
hita now, sinco he wis hnrn in .lu/vust) sortned 
relieved that -^ w-inted to J e ive tlie luxury hotel 
so soon. 

Thus, wQ drove irounii difrerent no j ,^:hbor1ioods 
loolciji."^ for some thin-' , when ve hrc pcned to roine 
to i n rrov/ street u-i tdi little houses v/!iich 
deli'hted me. "There is i tree," -^ excl 'litned from 
a dist nee - "let's /70 to the troe," 
-^ndood Che tree sloo'J m front of a sm>ll resi- 
dential hoteJ where \ w'S to live for many years. 
llie house bc\oni^:ed to the brother of a youn': vJcv/ish 
worn u) wlio w !S in ctiir.':e of it. There were carpeted 
stairs reminding me of the small pi ice -^ had in 
p. iris near tlie Madeleine -rnd i ,';o t a pleasantly 
furnished room with a pretty bathroom and a kitchenette 
which \/as every til 1 n;: ■*■ corild wish, 
nut, for ill t>iese positive developments, -^ felt 
a bit dizzy with so many drastic ch-'n.'^es, 
After all, t ''xl spent three months in a concen- 
tration camp in the i'yrenoes with 8.000 women - 
then relative freedom on the f abu • ous ^ote d' \zur, 
f ol 1 ov/ed by tiree weeks on a -Spanish ship in the 
company of many youn^'7 iTien ! 




dinner at .?9 /est 12th ^t. 
v/itli my cousin Tl«e anrl 



155 - 



r 



f^ 



- 1-. 6_ 




*) 



.\ccordJ.n.'; to !:iy calender of 19'll ^ bej:ai ir.y d;>ys 
in i^-«cw '^orJc v/i tli s^lop})in^: and as rnijiy a>poin tmon ts as 
I could irran/je. 

Moreover, inriuonced by the many <liscn.ssions -^ 
had on Che bo it with my companions, I jiursued 
the idea of 1 oarnin,^ "Spanish, ■'■hrou^';:h my fornier 
partner in Piris ^ founci a ^ rench soealcin,-^ pianist 
from ^pain who, also str^n<lod in N<»w York on 
account oT the war, consented to teach tiie, 
Concerned to reestahlisii f.nnily ties r:iy ».iother 
wrote tlie a^'dresses of relatives in N'eA/ York \ 

nrf:in/c ine to ,';;e t in touch with t*. em, wh.ich -^ did. 
hut i felt a sense of' s tr in,':eness v/i th these 
r(-'l itives, lookia,": ■\t me with "peculiar" eyes. 
Instead of bein.'^ y)roud of iiavim ac^ii eved my rescue 
-^ v/ IS ill at e ise • 

dov/ever, bein,": dressed in fashionable clothes, 
wearing a i-Told watch studded wi tii rubies uid 
dirj^iionds, carrying, tlie exquisite scent of A'atou's 
j^crfiirio, it v/ is only natural that people would 
tiiinl: of me as sr)moone "^ refused to lie, althonr:h ^ 
ha.ii to adr.iit that alJ -^ h. m1 v/ » s paid by one man. 
On tlie other hand ^ fou^vht these uncomrortable 
fee Lin. ,s with tlie reco/^iition that cert* in rules 
had presently lost their value an*"! that 1 had to 
.live according; to my present neods - - 
and so tlie hell with a1 1 of them,,., ^.- 




il 




- 157 - 



Tlic only person wiio un'^orstoocl was my niothor who 
v/rote lue : "re;: irdless ^^ ^^ ^^^® circumstances my darling?, 
ynu live ;iri(i you nro safe." 

It ::oGS v/ithout sayin/j that tiiis man I called "my lion" 
(his il .j.e was ac taai 1 y "^harlio" ) thorou/;hly enjoyed 
taking; :ne to all kinds of rishiond)le places while 
bein.; doli{jhted with my enthusiasm. But after three 
montlis time i.e. with the bo.'cinnin'T of summor he loft 
mo more often alone, 

As -i- nee it tod.iy, he? probably v.'ishn.l to relax at home 
after a d.y's \.'(jrk. 'Moreover, ^^\ily u'ld m/:ust was the 
hi,'Th so -s >!i for' his oven in,': 'iress btisiness, ^ir 
cnnditi.'^n in 19'n 'lid rio t exist and bcitK' in his nidUe 
GO'S >nrl a. bit ovcrw ei >:h t , ho probrd^ly ncede<i a rest. 
Too i'.nor nt to nn'orstan' this beh.-vior I bc^an to 
fool ritlier nxlon:;, doubtinr: his affection :\rn\ on 
tbe ver.vc qi V losin^; my trast Ln bin. Thus, in ' -^v nnly 
two :nonths after r.iy .arival ^ wrote in my diary: 

"Vdiero do I find sapn^rt md consol > tion'- 
ivithin myself ever y tli i ri,- is torn md splintered 
wi t'n 30 m iny (:orif)lic tions, 

I thou/;ht to hold liipidness in my hanrls, liu t it 
was an ill as ion. 

.:o ..at tor )iow one iooks it 1 i f <^ , it is v.'ron/T, 
even who ; one believe-, not to have ai.y feclin.TS 
left, one ntivor thel(?Hs s«.' r;is \o fin'l the 
stren.'^th to suffer .i-Mn," 




- 138- 



vnierGiii^on ray mot-ier insworn<i : 

"il'ippj.ncss is n 'lisposition. 

Out; of .sclfishnoss I im i philosopher. 

1 w n i. to Sf'P ind fool the .^ood thin.^^s • 

i'o 1 oolc do\>m and he hiimblo, it the same 

tiaic to ^"t rive iiy)wrirds concernin.«T cliaracter 

formation irul lvnowlod;:e in mrmy directions," 



.vlthou;,h Charlie I^'^i'^ ^'^^ everythiri;: ^ noeded, .sendin(7 
freniiently prcciouo fiowers ui-i bnyinf: me little 
presents, -^ never hid any cash. The niost I had was -i^S*- 
I realized ttiat I was fond of him, hut also luiew that I 

neecled to build another 1 L f e to ree^i t ibli sli niy inde- 
pendence, •"'incc ho a/;roed to this ho surprised me one 
day by arr-^n.^in ■'^ r>ot:ie thin;; for tiie in a little retail shop 
off i^adison -'Vonue, "'"lie place was within walkiri;': fii stance 
of liir. office an«l ;. cross fr >in a '•.•onderPnJ -^^••edl.sli re- 
st a" rant ^'/here we often met ta enjoy leisurely Inncheons, 
'^ince he did not t ike my /)ob aerio isly, he took me 
as Ion/: for Innch as h^^ lilced, makin/^ me late for the 
aftiornoon's v/orl<.. This in ter ferrerl with the store's 
lanchtij^e policy and "'■ was dismissed - r^erliapr also for 
iny lack of le,;; tl documents, as well as my poor I'n/^lisli, 



It appears as if I lived "two lives" at that time: 
^ tried to bo v/ lat was expected of iik^ , to en.joy all 
tlio fai;ulous concerts, stiows, weekend trips etc .and to bo 
^;1 ad for b .inr. save<l, ihit from what 1 v.rrote in my 
diary in those months, ^ was burdened about everything 
bein;; in a fo,-:. There were no news frf)m my husband nor 
from fo -iiier fri'-nds, '^orrid stories about concentration 
cojiips caMio to my attention and 1 felt uneasy beinf: the 



- ] 



9 - 



girlfriend of •- rich old M.m , tlespcr.) tel y tryinf^ 
to rind my p ;icc of itiiiil in tho iibt^iry mci by 
v/ritin^: to my mother who rt-iiindod me to continue 



to find 



('Iflcksbasis 



(a I 



).isic h.!p:>ino.ss ; 



ma 



to look rit tlie stirs md to bow before the 
"ALL - the UNKNOWN." Later she wrote: 



± 



n 



..'7(^ner il we rlisciss too m-my 



things v.'hich '»re fruitless 



orlc - nnd 



try to bo .someon»' for oth.ers, even if you 
ire not: in lores tc'i . 

Ucvf^iop your intellect, out oven iiiore your 
soul • " 



Thus 1 s tru/j.'^led with soinethin,': I hid never experienced 
a scemin^':ly ondless loneliness - 



cs 



1 was terribly lonely in Paris, but !iy husband 



Ct.amc home in the evening;, vl thou^^h 1 was in contact 
v/i th so;iie friends and faiiiily mcnibors who occasionally 



inviCtMi me for dinner, the constant feel in, 



of 



anxiety alone in a farnishod [)lace, particularly on 



w 



eelvcnds, made mo wretched md speculations about the 



future i":rew into a dre idful ni^^htmare 



Wh y 



3 a 



v e d 



w 



IS a frequent thou/;ht anrl the only 



an 



swer I CO! lid finfl was tf) i)rin/r h.appincss to the man 



who saved mo, alchoti,;h he did not (^Lve tlie impresion 



o 



f nf^edin.'v '-e 



No 



1 



did not come to -nneric ! to stav here - I had 



my husband and my family in ""urope. My ambition was 



ta become a musician 



after dl, -^ had been a student 



of the frumous WancLi Lando\/ska - only circumstances 



had broJven everything; into pieces 



- ] 



9 - 



girlfriend of i rich old i.ian , .lespcrntely rryin^r 
to find iny p .icc of i:iin-l in tho libi^-iry md by 
writing; to r.iy mother wIto reminded i;ie to continue 



to find 



Olflcksbasis" (a basic h.i[)r>ine.ss y 



nd 



to loolc rit the stars irid to bow before th( 
"ALL - the UNKNOWN." Later she wrote: 



• • • • 



± 



n .-?( 



■nor il we fiiscnss too mmy 



thinrs v.'Viich are fruit] <vs; 



l.r 



ork - and 



try to bo :^omeon«> for others, even if you 
are ru^t inlorestcti. 

iJevniop your intellect, but oven more your 
soul • " 



Thus 1 strurj/^led wi t'l some tliin,'^: I hid never experienced 
a scerninf';ly (mdloss loneliness — 

Yes, -L was terribly lonely in I'aris, but ny husband 

cJ.u:ie home in tho evening;, vl thouf^h 1 was in contact 

v/itli sojiie friends antl f:unily i:icnibers wlio occasionally 

invited lue for dinner, the constant feelin/;s of 

anxiety alone in a fnrnisiiod place, particularly on 

weelvcnds, made me wretched and spectilations about the 

fLiture iTrew into a dreadful ni/'^h tniare, 

\<hy w .s -•- saved, was a freq<ient thou/jlit and the on] y 



an 



swer I co:;ld find was to lirin;: h.'iT)pincss to the man 



who saved rue, althou/;h he did not (j/ive the imiiresion 

of need in,", '-f^* 

No I -^ <'lid not come to -nrieric i to stay here - I had 
my liusband and my family in '"urope. My ambition was 
to become a musician, after all, -^ had been a student 
of the f.'u:ious Wanda Landowska - onlv ci rctiins tances 
had broJvon everything; into i)ieces. 



- l6o 





n 






- 1 61 _ 



Ikit tiino v;cn L on aid 



I en f .1 i 



w \: 



in tlio 



J r 



a r 1 i 



bon/:}it: i new 1 incoln \.'i th pi -ins to drivo kL iJi t.o t 



'lorirl I 



o r .sjn "i s 



e iitj(j:;;ns tOfl tlr»t I 



'-♦^t rnv Ir i ver' s 



license v/Uich 1 d id , ^'n -^undiv, Jecoiriber '7th w'i.li 



wai tin. 



1 ri U 1 



car for tr itfic li/:ht t:o ch-nTG 



>'- » 



the 



iicv;s ibout i e.»rJ. -inrbor wns flashed in li;: ts across 



Tirues ^^quare 



Tliat n.eans war kiddo 



ha rile excl lined 



lUi t a WAT \;i t J.apan 'lid not iiipre.ss me since it 



as 



too r r Pro 
J ip.-'ji \,'as 



n 



1 1 1 !; 
Jly of 



Jiew, 



fail in,": to raco.Tnize that 



nmce 



^ roniiati 



tills nioant 



n \C 1 



r i/Tainst 



the 



r, 



^ a z 1 s 



Uncon'-orned a.ho'i t the news we drove leisaroly south, 
fill] oP 'drriir I tion for the po j. nse 1 1 i as , the Mossy trees 
rvTid do!i,;:itral Sp.a^isii touch aroiind St, \n.'7Mstine, .'e 



wore m 



vtona i3e ch .'.iiiaa eve where i '" Wvas vr-m .and 



the at rs be ..a ti fa 1 1 '/ bliaLin 



m 



volvt;ty bl 'clc sky 



n . i 



j d e 



i.a.- li tlie w tor 



'•/ s 



.n^di too co3a for sw i 'T'lin/v be— 



i I w;l: 



t o o 



cit. i[dod" foT^ li'.y taste 



r»-.er a \.'n 



ok v;e retnrnofl t 



n 



r»w 



oris 



In Flori 




- 162 - 



- J o T - 




The mod f.' Is 



FTV:R ]' 



L,.-V 



ill. I 



\C}il 



'hen Gh.r-rlic? rcalizci r'y «lirricL'l ti 



s in rii^IiiiT a 



ol. 



10. 



li'^.roed to lot i-.e worlc j i» his factorv, sofrio th Inr 



T 



n tG'I to 'lo 11 alo 



r:ov.-ovor 



for 



ra f. lor s'-ia] 1 



saJ. try lie eirmloyeri mo in ihr s<>r:icv/!ia t dt-nibtrirl can'city 



of liolPLn'T t'lc iK^dols chrMire their 



< ) \-/ » 1 p 



'hi 



v;a: 



r «'' r> c n l o 



:->y hi 



s d. es';i .n, nnrh <t>s V 



oirn n 



no^sibl c 



C'linoo ti t i'?n ttJ rnv prcr-ouce .iwiicrMi f;d 



so:.', ov/'i- 1 V'' id ion 



r. 



f 



n t i s o':n. tism i.n his T)ni'ioro"s 



nn >T) drossmakers '.'liich 



obliTod hi'.u to lot mn rj^ af'tor a s'-ort ti'r.o 



'r 



Ti 



11 



d i s tros -cd 



since L M .vried "lyr.elf for 'in inihilitv 



to 



jiist inste-id of roi.li/,in;7 th • t ly ippe- irruice ini^^ht 



liavo cm .so< 



1 J 



11 o r d") . I r r a s ; -tr. e n L 



fi 



Rgscuc" caine v/i th the visit of some hnycrs frnm d.ivana 




The Cub nil frionf- 



s 



\/ho did not 'vish t) vnfuro ,".n i n,'7 to v.'artorn I'rirope 



and tlioLi.dit or ^ettin,: their needed 'iiorcUindise i 



n 



-Now 



or-; 



ivno\.M rii 



y (iesire to 



srDeaic .:? 



ip.mish Oi't] jo 



rr( 



)t 



:o i i;: tonch wi t ' »orne of these (yiiban 



Isabel, bcciaiie a friencl. ^he spoke ai.)oa t 



one of '/I'oiTi 
n '.sth:-ial:ic 



/^i r J (a dressrn, Jcery in ^-uhi -/iiose snr\riviJ depen'led on 



a c I ■; a I 



1 :e o r cl i:;ia te 



li 'rlie C')nsonte<i to Tive her i 



job in t,he factory and so pventnatly she ^rrived, a 



fact 



1 c 



»J ayed 



SI ni 



iric:int rolo for r-.e later m 



The aliilitv to ontert 'in ens to:. era Vr 



T' corni^-'C ted lie '-ri t:h diai\lio's wor' 



ti' 



■ub ' r.OMelio^/ 
'S v.'as my luck, 



an ord(;r for 



or tain o-vn c I'.ie in roquirin.': an enonnous 



amount of v/or!; for i finisher, a taslc whicli -^ eonlfl <lo 



- 164 




A t.'iljic c rrl < 



"^tin 



of my cousins ri.iflo for :\ part 



- 1 u 5 - 



Thus, despite the ui t.i,':onisrn of liis omploycos 'h'.rlio 
took r;ic brick, ^his time it was for .^ood since the 
situition now h.-.c! ctian^:ed dr istici'ly i/i th the 
es tnivi islirnen t of the United -^tates '/ar l^rodiiction 
Board L33 ''irectivo 2, 

's^OHicn ' s clothes were deaJ t a series of severe b.lov;s, 
by iKinisIi in/^ full .-kirts, no kriifo T-)loits, nor tuckin,«: 
or p;itch pockets, no bolts :nnre tiian 2" ',;ido and the 
like, - miifricturers wnre oldi/jcd to use synthetic 
fnbrics c.licd "victory fibrics," thus lon;T evening: 
drosses such as wore i)roducod at C.i arlie's frictory 
V'nishod overni'cht, 

Atiiorican fcisliion indiustry ropr«^sented a three billion 
dollar lousiness at thit ti:iie, however, nov; faced with 
fTOvcrunien t rdTulatlons in<\ su Irlen shortages (such as 
i:iotal for zippers or rubber for elastic) m tnn fac tnrers 
were also c iallenf';ed to ere » to their o\n\ fashions 
since Europe was shut off which presented for most of 
tlierii •roat difficulties. 

By 19'l2 ^'orTlen ' s '.ve£ir D.iily rcnocted these problems 
q.iite clearly in Itnost everv iss\ie, ->onio ])nlieved that 
wartime v/otild hivo a depre sLn;: eCfoct on business, 
especiilly evening; r.owns , It /:oes without saying that 
Charlie's l')usiness wis ,'^reatly inriuenced p Tticularly 
by the ;:oncril .gloomy mood \nd anxiety .•'•lon,^': his 
C'jsto .ers , WHO r'tpidlv dis.ippe.irer!. 



fl 



1^ 



- K'6 - 



Charlio's 1 :bel was n-o 1 L Icnov.-n in tho tr.»<le t 



o cirrv 



one op t: 



e Cinnst: .lebut'nt;R ru^(\ ov 



onjn;: Tovm.s \;liich he 



iiriDoi^tO'l f'roni I on<lon anfl i iris I. 
AnioriciM larkot. T.u t nnrort tinty 



o co|>y tlieci for th< 



s tf) ho 



afreet h' 



ir>inesr> 



:ovorn:ion t re '^s tri c ti on 



w t!ie wnr '•.'onlrj 
shortn.'^es of 



Coods as v/(}] 1 as t!ie falJin;: off of his h 
brou.Tiit lilin nov; ai^iost to the l)riTilv of bank 



II 51 1 n e s s 



m I n t c y 



Thus ho felt obli/Tod to cut 



is stafi' md move to a 



smaJ.Jcr tilice hooi 



n. 



to survive »:h 



e war 



Ai. 



avin£^ ills fii.Tl conridence I became in time more 



or less 



th 



•'J 



ick of all trad 



es 



for hi 



m which Miade me only t 



oo 



lianny , Un f or tnnatol v 



W ' ' 



it these circi 



• m stances mo 



Ji t for 



hill', cjscaoed me, since 1 



was 



too invol\c<l in my o 



\\'n 



aJix i c ties 



rid 



« e pro SSI on s 



moreover 



-I \ 



I'ul lon.T wished 



that America ^/olllfl join tlie war. nid 



now 



I Vi 



as over i o ved 



with this fie V'; I oT->men t 



1 1 



us, my thou,'^:hts v;ere fa 



re' ioved from ^hirli 



e's worries, some thin/; he mi.^ht hav( 



re sen ted 



Xevertlu^l Qr,r, , 
be t ' or fu ture 



1 ■• d to livn Miy own life in the hone of a 



tr Mi.^e IS j ^ 



m r 



eo'i ^ '-U'^lder^lv received 



'I poem from my has- ul, ij though i 'nad 



nnnn o \ 



of touch 



v;i t 



n I m i ii 



o r 



\ on, 



t i Mio 



it- 



le po(^") w 



no t d ted ukI 



wri t ♦ en in 



1 CO 



ncentration ca'Mp in .\orth 'Africa 



In \/<)cidcn barracks .1 cunnot. V)Mild c'.stles in tlie uir, 



ant 



1 barb'^l 



■ire 



w 



hich is h -rd uid ti.^lit 



I cannot en t with a s i nr^l c word of love 
dut. in the eva-iiLti'; when iviJm trees itiove 



an 



d d arlvTiess is around us 



it is in peacetime - 



theji -^ foeJ til it yon are '/i th me 



P 



- 167 " 



- L ) ,^ - 



Thouf^hts about thn !„ t 



ernatlonal Hou s e : 



i^^^! ?^!^ stellten weiter ^-arniclits vor 

Doch half en sie mir tlber den'/Tossen B^-rrr^y.^^ 

Stud on ten w.ren sio aus frornden L,^de^ ^ hxn.e.Tzuicom.en 

^«o rn.an eino andore ::iprache sj>richt, 

Wo Palmon in cier ^trasse wachsen 'ht-^k^h 

Viel waren sie nicht wert ^^ ^^rchideen .in den Mauem blflhen 

Doch war es reizvoll sich mi t ihnen anzusch.-.eicheln 
Uber Oiesea und auch Anderes zu diskutieren '''''^^" 
^nd auch den ^anco im Original zu tanzen." 



\ 



me 



(They did not represent .uiythin" in n-^-rt-i r-ni ^-r. i^ 4- u -, 
to overcome the "bi,; mountain": ^^""^^^^^^^ but helped 

They were students of rnroifrr^ io«.j« l, 

ton,..o - where pal„,trees "row iTstrtl?^^''''^'''.' T"*^"" 
on their walls. streets ,uid orchids blossom 

They were .just avera-^o but channin/T to riirt with th^r, 

discussinc this or th,t, but in nartio.n .t^ t ' 

the tanno in the orisin.a...) f^'^^'-^cular to darice with th 



em 




jflfl; Ba-flB. 3 5... 03 as^j 



¥Ji 



SUS^frS 







*"S».T 



.NTtRHATKDNAL «OUS« OH RIVIUS^OS WUVS AT ,,4* STP»T NCW rO«K OTY 



My friend Melida 
from lajiama 



,« 



lin.vin;; boon \;i til my husb itid since T war. in tuy toons, 
our rol a t lonSiii ^> was par-t 'f' uiy l>(«in^, ilo sic.n^ly 
"belon.'veti" to -i^/ life aithourrh v/o j) irtcd .like stnn';ors 
\/'ioii v/o .1 st s 'v/ oic'i other, iiowovor, this ;.oo?i e\'oked 
o'lr past hipninos.?, ;rener-' t, i n(T a i';l iinpso of hope for 
the f'l tairo • 

>ince I had p.lonty oV tiiiie in my lonely existence T 
persisr.c<i in st:'i(lyinj': Sp'nish, ?\rtor tryi.n.;^ a Vow 
teachers L roi:nd ,'',(?1 id a , wlio livofl at tnc 1 n terna ti<>nn 1 
i^on.'io, i«ein":a i 'ai i:;ioni an sho iritrofhiced rn-^ niostly to \ 
neof)lo froni ooath caorica v/io at t'.at ti'ie diil not soern 
to unh ors t'-ai- 1 tlio hi frernnce het\'.a^oii a ^erp.an refn'^ee 
anl a '^eniar:. *^iace 1 co Id not tolerate tlie idea of 
boin.^ iden ti ri. o'.l as a Croniian, 1 a.l v/ays T)re tended t.o be 
r'rench. ." oreover, since ^ fled l*'rr\nce this seenied to be 
an easifjr way to avoid misundors tandinjs , 
Thus, for many years 1 net Meli(La there every I'^riday 
where \.'e had a wo. lerful time with its lively social 
life, freqieiit lectures and in tero^i tin;: neo|vle» 
L\irthon;iorc , -^ discovered t lat the *^'rcncii I'nivorsity 
was one of ny noi.Thl-Jors on 12th str'-'et, v/hore L could 
attend l(^c tnrcjs free of ehar/^e in i'sychol Oj'T^y uid 
/Vn thropol o.-^^y . 1 \/ou ] d h.ive bc^n satisfied v/inh this 
trrxnsi tion tl existence except for the fact tliat Charlie 
see'Med to no.lGCt nic. 




- 1(1 



9 - 



raero was a rift for wliich 1 hil no exol -..nation then 
but c '11 soo it nuv;. Mie fn r th\t he ni-lit broalc our 



rel itlonnhip drove 



me to inr-iense sadness -nd anxieties 



in v.i ev/ o (' wlnt hanncned to my societv .»>id the bruta- 
lities then fikin;; place in Bnrope Ch rlie's probleins 
did not seem to no tf> be that tra-'-ic. 



I difi n(3t ronjize then but n 



ow 



novf -_ that he 



(1 



iKe t 



lost /unericansy (iid 



not save Tor his later 



veirs 



as WIS cur, t')rTiary in Furopo, but lived well vn th t>ic 
inoney )io r.i.ade, but now ts an older nan vritb. res non- 



si Iji .1 i ti ct> Toi^ 



1 fain L 1 y , he musi: have felt threatened 



v;.it!» a possibJc b-nkruptcy, fe iri 



n, 



its irnvl ications 



Thus, v/i- lived in r.^tiier diffordnt spheres, 'i 



o r o o v e r 



iru:o v/e wore now wo 



rkin.f^ to/^etlier , ti- -e spent to^^ethor 



out si' to o 



i lace 



o' 1 rs 



^ec inio a rare tv 



I 1 



ived alone 



s o r e 1 " n e ed i : i ': a f r i o n d , s or;i 



eone to t-'ll: to 



ince the 



ti 



' i i r» \ 



/o used (:o sf^end to/^ether wis now e--ipty 



l^^ir tier: lore , ho ,^;o t into the h dvi t of not cnniin": when 
he said he would uid 1 liad a ritlier difficult time 
ovorcM-iin": my an '^or -'.bout broken pro'iiises, nrrticni >rl 



from himVx trusted so much 



i th only a T>ayphone three 



fli,,hts down at "ly disposal tnd not possessin/^ th'^t 



ci 



any friends, ^ did not hive the opportunity to replace 



the time reserved for him ind usur.lly fell into -n 
abyss of oin])tiness and an awareness of loneliness 
whicii drcjvo in feeLin/^s -^ i^refer not to remember. 






- 170 - 



r 



■o 



- 1 71 . 



'Y WA.S Tilts ::\N' 




\rs 



'Yho xv'.i.'i tills i.i 111 i loved ,il trios L 



;^ro t'lnn vw o^'n father' 



'h.it broii,'7ht hliii no the point of .sorMid , n •: his ti.ino 



'ncr.v iDfl '-loriov for mo 



Con 1 



It bo th 



t I 



v/v s on 1 V 



a symbol of -..m • tover ho li^Tlit. Iiavo roa I or ho > rh 



about l:ii(? nor -) ocn I, L on of lows in 



:iany 



Up K'S lis onriosit\' aronsod hv so(Mn 



a vonn 



'.v'or.ian 



I i on 



in 



lo tol 1 obb V i n 



1 I IM 



1 , • I. 



I' to rnoon 



rv i n ' • to 



t.LSO'! in 



s o 



J 1 



oo 



1 t 



^, 



orMc.'M sooiotv with its oroindicos 'is 



to v/h u on, (\ s 



o 



ill ov 



o 1 1 1 i not t i 



o 



^<■ r-\ -1 Tvi h c wan ted 



1 ) 



1 n i o' I t f ( • r h i 'Tiso 1 



:i ido r;i\- 



1 C 



1 I I i n t ■ 1 n c <"! 



nd 



1 n 



V i. tod ;-i- 



o r .1 lunch 



11 s \/. I s a rav' o 



s M n r. 1 



;i n o f (^r 



i.ic irid, Jespito \\\\ r tiior 'inltovl 'anjs' i od;7G of i -n :1 Lsh 
! tool: this r>T>no r funi t V t.o dosoribo nini the disu'.tc^r 



1 1 1 .' t. C not Oil 



1 ul ijc 



f.il 1 



V f 



:iM 



i I V , bn t. tne 



on ti re 



Jo 



Wl -S ' 1 



lOT-) 1 



ti on in ' ronn ni 



Shockod \-i\- t.'iO tiiin/rs -•- to Id hii;i, ho ni/dit liavo folt 



<) nolle' 



! ♦ 



UO 1 IIV 



t i , a t o or d » SO; '.•• tl 1 in. 



on II s own 



p 



I 




«^ H 



% «»•• 



&. 



M 
I 



f 



?4 

• 



!di r t 1 cniioi'*. 



no n 1 



in s t coino f r-')M 



*^o;:io 



1 n 



tiiorc for 



oc^r • 



d von r,: ir 



o I o s o o t: 1 o ^ o n o I 1 ' i n 



.in) 



•/ ; o r o ho 



ri.L 



n'V-Icd ■.'! til tho crowd n i h n 



100 ! id to 



t .'1 rd I r o 






ro t:h o - OT 'O n 



Ovi w o bios sod tl i i:i , 'Hi on ho told mo 



t; lis \\o 



\.v 



od thit 



! thou'di boin'. a T^otostant 



ai* 



no 



ro 1 i ' , L tju s 



f o 1 t to chod, .'IS if "lifo li I choson 



hii;i to do a rood dood 



ti 



1 o s o \v 



r o tho 



or 



ords ho usod 



W I 



ich i disti .ctlv ro''otiibor, Ini ;, lid not, '-loan anvtiiin, 



r. 



a 



- 172 - 



- 173 - 



to no tlicn , ( '11 ' V voirs lator, \;lion noon! n isicc<l 



no 



nbout i-iy ro.>nwo, i i. occiirrod to iio tTtt '^orhnps tliis 



c I .'■> ' ' > 



1 



ir 



a 



liio I opo iiotivt'?d \\ in into 'ict. i'^n 




il in l'>a(' 1 



irriciontls' viiTi Li) boliove that he 



1 i 



t -vor 



iv 



for iiKj 



Chnr 1 ie \-: -^ 



born In lrf7b ;ti 



'I r ' L '-i o I 



in "^iticinnati 



n L o 



a .s the 



so 



o 



. r r ; 



n . ro los tan t if:r:.i . .r ti t;s 



'1 tliiKi/:.! lio 



c a; 



J i no 



po \, 



I r J u c n t 



r ■ in no i. i iioa t.o \}:^o nis 



^iejrci.Ui vac h 



n\ . rv v.'honc va' r a 



I ^ ■ ) 



apnc 



ro'.l to no 



m Louchod bv ai tisctni ..is. 



1 n c (i no 



o iii'vht h ivo 



con si (vr''i ::io La 
ho 1 i .voi to as o , 



bo a .in- 1 of ri " L ;n(h*>:;innn '' 
"" or hiM "^norir i was tao Inn 



m o Kni'o ss i. on 



i • n 



rooM ("^'n 



cC plonl 

1 1 O I ' ) V ' • I 



<) 



f oabi.'iJj t i (?.s ao'l ' haven for the opT>ros.=^e(l 



cri. c.'i. - 



1 ' (; 



o t into t'lo 



r; Mai t. b' I s i 1 1 o.«i s iTtor iin ri!rishod 



col 1 o ,(' 



•ini'r 1. o 



'A' ''Oil 



*a} riT^CCJ 



h ( M 



1 i 'SO 



1 in 1 !i 



iM r> no vmn in Mis » >i 



r, (icau! tir.io v/i th a son i 



c:o.l 1 r- "-o 



1 L \' i T 1 



L n 



i zo'i i r. rinna f lo to r i n 



t' X f: I n 5 ; I \' r: 



h'-bn { oi to rnid 



o von:i n "* .":o\-;n s 



') I nlvj n 



( 



is ■ ! o s r I I f 



] ) tbn t rm f 



"lors ii'o 



ino' in*"*'!* to :-'.pond i.oro iMonoy t" brin": out t'noir '1 o'dita^rs 



tb at w'aai 



)0\' 



) .. nari' i o 



t ]oast tw'ic*^ i voar b<-^ nse<l 



t . t i^ ' VO I to ^UJ'0!'(! 



V 1 s 1 I L rn' \ n con 



rs of' tb.o Maute 



(a)n t.' I ro la; i m 



X tr (Van", ai to oria.Ln al 



r'^ncb 1 ''. ca' s 



1 1': 1 irm 



I ! 



V I '-^ \v' i s .s t a ! 1 



v.'b i cb bo tb. on nrc^OT") tavl 



t' 



\\ I. 



ens to ers in n i .s 



1 e/: ri t 



.s ao\i.'roo!n iai "ov/ ' ork 



- 17^4 - 



To adjufit tiiese rovns for tlie Ai;ioricn.n nuirkct th 



ev 



!i iri to })r -•loliricd soTnov/'i.it in tlieJ r l:'vir;h 



n c 3 s , s n n h t s 



sini]vl«?r o-.bru fiery » less mnt^rial, ropl-xcin.T innntnora'^ i e 
hoolis x.'i.t:i -^ipnor? uul tho llko, \ inodcl for v;hich ho 
n ;irl ,• ratlier 1 ar-'^o sum could thus hr ro!->rodnco<? for 



an idocji ) to 



on CO 



To do this H' ICC OSS Pull 



y Tor his 



olito custoiiors, such .s I'-orTdorP .od<l-i ti, S<ks 5th """ve 



Noinidi .h-rc'^s or .'; ' uiu, ho h .d to h 



vn I 



thoron.'di 



i<;nnv/l ofi/ro in rr n v wiv. 



> • 



Chirlio livod i coiu for t vl^lo life, oi\joyiri', the s it.is- 
r-ict:i')n o i" ioin -: v/oi 1 . ^^o was a i<er>ub.lic''ui hut not 



politica ly ictivci nor was ho in any way reli;':;! 



ous 



ilo 1 ovod ;; drink hut n^^vor ,':o I driinlc, i'.iunacu] -telv 



c i o :n in • Ic^Tit but discroot 



ctot:'>os, stand in,": 3 ' 1*^ 



v;i th clo.r blue oyos , thick hloti'l hiir and a hit stout, 
lie made l >':ood impression with fiis r-^'dv s«nilo and thero 
v/ns not n v/titor in any rest I'lrant v/ho <'!{ rl not jump 
v/hon they saw him, ^^ne could s^o 't a r^l anco that 



Char] i o 



n of nio u)s, ^*o (»u joyod .spondin": iTionoy 



frooly, vot Mf) alsr) hid put so; lo nionov -isifle vi tii th 



dosiro to do 
.11 ido I th it 



onothin,;; ono day wiiich v/ -s worth whilo 



le ill f'l \»'eeT^ who 



1 1 'v'o v;oro in : trixi /Toinr: 



to tho nJ CO waor'^ -^ W'S t,o he inLornod, ^-/'non ho liolrl 

my han'l ti ditly, say in/: dosr)er i te 1 y : 

'' vll r:iy life i saved :iioney for m import vnt dood and 

yet no\/ -^ ain 'no 1 yi] oss , . . , " 

i/hcn ho c : .e to see inc before i o 'vin;: i'aris lie said: 



I hn 



oin. 



to Pi;;! it now - dont yon \-.'orry 



ti 



- 1 



75 - 



.n'l x-.'ith this sttornont ho locpcno^l my trust in hi 
A7'ilcii com fort cl mo in tho fiitnre. 



Ill 



lint tiion" 11 To " closod the 'loops >)*^^twno 



n u 



inoo 



1 



w is 



5>liipj>o«l ^/ith thousaiKl of oth<*rs t-) the c \rr»p oP Gurs in 
tho 1 yrenieii. There was no I'ldress Tor liim to ''rot in 
touch with nc ">n<l I couJH vrito only in 'une - after 
i'etain shoolc ii tlor's !i »n'l t) nake a pc rco treaty - to 
a distant uncle in Nev/ loriv who.",e address my mother had 



in a 



iled nie hororo wo were cut off 



in 11 



y r ither youthfuj optiniisni -^ had docidod les'^al or 



iilc'-.il to lo:ivo this c imp not. J i tor than .Snpt(?:.iber an*-! 
therefore indicated jn tho iettor to my nncle tho 



A'iior.i can lOxpross in iMce 



s mv iddress 



\fter ^ii > die rocolvod my nnclo's phono call to ":ivo 
him iTiy i.cUircss ho be^.an Jookin>; for a lawyer vnd then 



tried to mail me some uionoy. Ho 



wt^ver 



since the Nazis 



occu[)iod i^'ran'-e the US uovornrnent did not any J onj^^er 
permit the dispatch of dollars to I-'rance, Bnt since 
Charlie vms a .'^ood cistoiier of a -'^/ir.s m inn fac turor )io 
nana/red for- mo 'o '-^et tlic moncv thron;:h. Since i could 



o 



rily leave tho c.i y> with the proof of h'vLn;; e.i thor 



monov () 



r someone lo live with, tiie c d^le T receive'1 



/7 ive 



10 tiie cliance to J e ive tho c imp and c;o to '.ice 



- 176 - 

At the time Charlie triol to nrran.'-e a visa Cor ne 
uho mood in ^Vjnerica was sti.l I. oversiiadowcJ by tlie 
econoriic rocoverv of the '}('>* s^ 

In l'*3^ Uoosovolt ai'»pointe(l a 4uasi-^Vf)vcrni:ien tal r,roup 
with tlie idea of dovcJopinr: refu/:oe policies, a f^roup 
cabled "The i residential Vdvisory *^on!!iittce on lolitical 
Refu.'^ees" ( TAG ) Ue flee tin,*; the inclinations of its 
chairman tiie ;roup worl^ed " cu'i tionsly behind the scenes." 
( I), ^. './yinan ,rhe Abandonment of the Jews, P. 313) It was 
a presidential com littee yet it received no "government 
f'unrls, tlms its uncertain financin,": was one of its 
wealcness in Tunc tionin/^ ePrectively, 

Moroover, the per v-^si v^*^3S <^^ anti J3emitism Jiirinj the 
late 3^'*'^ <^'J throu,;h the war was confirrtied by piiV:)]ic 
o;>inion colls. 'I'lius, rescuin,'7 Jews at that tii:je was a 
rather con troversi tl issm^ even to be officially 
discii.5;od. ;lthou,'^;h mcKst "'•nioricans were bro i.'^ht up to 
believe that '^urone was safely distant, for some the 
continuous flow of news about conditions under -'itler 
and :!ussolir»i v/ere be.^TinninT to be a cause for alam. 
lowever, most ^>eopl e (wi th some ♦exceptions of course) 
were stilJ far removed fro:n re»1izin,T tVio tremendous 
ari:7uish which we were all facin^*; \m ler Hitler's fist. 

Charlie '»s \n experienced traveller, v;as f amiliir 
with the conditions in ^urope, but also was aware 
of tiie attiiosp'nere in the -states. 



-■WWgliBg 




*% 




« 177 - 



« ! 



lie liius t have Icnoxvn ti.at he v/tnil«l liivo to find soMieone 
rather spccia.1 to lielp him in his intention to bring: 
me to the --^tatos# 

Tin for tnna tely I- do not kjio\; the details, but I roineniV)or 
that he introduced me to an -Irish lawyer in liis Park 
/ivenuo office whose 'girlfriend came to (Charlie's 
f.-'.ctory Co fit some olal)orate evenln^c .;ov/ns v/iitch 
seemed to bo pa t of "^harJie's pi\TJent for Iiis norvico, 
fiowever, there is no cioubt that this -'-rishnan must )i ive 
been shrewd enouf^h to find out about the resident's 
/advisory ^oniniittee and the chajice of approachin-T 
someone important in that coiiunittee who was suffiontly 
adroit to ,70 1 me i visa, -^Ithou/;'! this was ]:)roV)ibly 
.illo,']:al, it scrv -d its vurj^ose to r,a t me into 
tlie States. 

ii^hilc wai tin;': in Nice for Vichy to issue my exit visa, 
(Jliarlie reserved and paid for my first class boat 
ticicet leavin;: fro'n Vif^o (Spiin). his meant tliat I 
also n«:edod a Spanish transit visa which w.»s Imposiiblo 
to ;:e t without .lo(;al docu'rients, 

Tlius - as ^^liirlic told me - lie invito ! the Spanish 
Cotisul for a luncii at the i'laza, whicli probably 
intri;',iied the Consul: Th.at an ■"■•Morvcan hnisinessman , 
married, of i aoi.iewh at ol'h^r vinta-.e, a protcstant, 
was tryin;: to help a Jewish refu,':ee, 

(;f course he co.nplied tn<l J received ny transit visa. 
i''or what price?.' 1 dont know and Charlie never told me 



- 178 - 



i 



- 1 



/9 - 



Tho tric!:y p irt '> f this entire otjer.ition was to h ivo 



the exit visa 



in ti!Jic so tho otlior visris v;(^'ild not 



hav^e eKi'iro<l 



aiy ooin'nittc«l suicide in this 



•aino 



since Viciiy for icric reasr)n or other wonlil (hi ly the 



oxi t vi sa3 



■> • 



Thu; 



1 hid to have my oxit visa in time 



tOi"-ethnr with to Spanish transit visa 



u'eJ 1 as the 



Ai'ieric^m v i s.i. 




II 



i-iinco 



11 visas had ^'lo I'l 1 i no it actU'lly was n act 



of fate v/iot:er or not tho plan v/auld succeed 



• • • • 



I sup'^o: 



It TO 



OS u'jthout sayin,:: that. Charlie enjoyed 



liis triumph trcmendon si y that , despite all odds 
he h id succeeded to .".e t nio in to the '^tates. 



1 1 v/as ri 



ye tr in ^'ebrn \ry that his curiosity to 



SCO 



the 1 opci brou.'Tiit h ir.i to "^orne w 



here his fnelin/rs that 



life had clioscii iiim t<> do a 



"Toai 



1 deed wore tri,":,*:erod 



throu ,h a i opo s casuai j;«?sturo 



In 



Pic 



ly 19'K>, desi)ite tiu? hi <ckouts in I'aris, the windows 



taped 



;ainst i)Ossible honibin;':s ill over to\>m , s 



oino 



stores clos 



ed il to.^e tlier 



V^i 



larlie decided to return for 



the 
the 



isOW 



raid sea 



son." Instead oP the usual boat trip he took 



tt 



cli^^^^or" - tho first co'h'i 



erciaJ airlirio ))etwoen 



iork and Lisbon 



or '. 



tnin born in IS78 it must 



h.-'vo been 



torri Cic sonsition. ^nd then after havin 



SI 



ich v.rnnderf'il days with "le in a 



ris ho v;as so deeply 



novod that he cried hecanse lu^ ff?lt hoj pie s ta holu 

:-;y disappp rarice orobabl y v;orriod 



Mio in ny 



l s t r e s s 



h lin 



lui t lie C) iltl not do rnu 



oh about it until he received 



in 



y ;uldross witi» my uncle's plione call s-ich in turn 



- l80 - 



luotivatoci iiiiu to use His conrioctlons s well as 
money to succeed, 'nee i h kI roic'^e*-! ''.'cw 'I'ork ho 



was keen on .'^liou-in/' 



mo 



his" Am e r i c n : 'ris car 



tlie finest nirThtclubs 



res tan r in ts 



fTl o \' 1 o s 



shows 



and concerts, drivin,". nu' iltnost everv weekend to -i 
diCTcrcnt :)i.ice such as Atlantic ^ity, rhi ladelMhi n 
Bear Mount'iins, the (^atsivills, Montaulc and the like 



i\'o matter where wc \/erc, iic ordered the best f 
v;i th the finest v/ines or ch irnpa-^^ne. 



ood 



ij 



id ho wanted to s;uil liieVV i''or wh-.t" -- ur did he 



just try to do wh 1 1 he rnl^dit hivc ton r:ed to do for 
many vers — to t iste the .'^ood life, wliich ho was 
abJ o to if ford now md could not do so !")revionsl v? 



(n t!'o other hand, my tnmnltnons past \v'i tdi 



fu turc 



that v/as nn tire.ly in the d .rk :»roventod me from con- 
soiin,*: myself witli these activities, it was nice, 
1 w ts :r ttefnl , but there were too many unanswered 
qiestions disturbing; my loneliness for which ^harlio 
Sf.'omed ti-> have no unders t >nd in,'!". 



i'or me 



the trar.edv of i ear] tiarbor was "a relief 



since -^ was convinced t lat the -Hi or, ;;ould finally 



brin . an end 



c> 



these luibeli evab] o atrocities 



Conscqaon 1 1 y 1 wolcoiied tiie war ilespi te J. ts restrictions 



- Jyj_, - 



l\syc)iolo,':ical 1 y onr rol itirMiship rersotibl erl 



a 55 0. IS aw 



'nen 



h irlic u 



swim 11 n, 



in h-i-) ine-.s \»'hilo trvin"- 



to COM i'oV I 



\:i t\\ the nianv In 



X!iri(»s MLS :nonGy f?onlcl 



l)uy, I. wr\.3 broixlin/T about w!iy tli< 



Jlio.s wonlfi liesitnto 



so Ion . not to .•; itiply cut atlor'.s tbrorit 



Now a yo t later, ^fiirlLo f'c ire-l for hi 



s vorv '^xistoncn 



\v 



ilc -^ 



v;;i^ 



ort} or» t in L s tic 



t t'nc s Kio time onr 



rcl 'tionsMlp ci n/'orl 



\ n t o r 



UQ S -O 



i t a /:ro • t do 1 1 



u' tii. e t'^'vothor cuJrni- 



na t i n 



n tae triM to I'^l or i d 



1 'Itirjii 



On as ti c In hi 



nev/ 1. incoJ-fJ • i'vow in tac .itnosuhoro of 



war 



ail 



"ClU 



each 



otaer d . i 1 v wh i lo 



v;or":in : to-other, the sonsation oT boinr: 



to/cetl!cr had worn off for liif 



i nco -^ 1 ivod al 



one lie 



was ,ijl I. ;i;'d, a ratlior di f f"(^r(Mi t aitnation Tron liim 



v.'ao t;ot only h.a 1 a fa'iii. ].y iti'l .i huni 



nc. 



but was lis 



o 



rooted itero v.-i ta ill ai.-s nrLvilO'"es 



Moreov(^r, ly .sMS|iicion taat ho r.ii-^ht b( 



nl ' vin.'- around 



\<.' 



as con Tj I'liiod v/iiofi he suddenly dLsai)pe'red -^r)*] left 



me 



alone on 



ev; 



car s 



ev^e , r»bout which I cornpl linerl 



Ivitterly in letter to r.i y niother to v/hic'" nhe renlied 



• • • • 



men do not have the sli/:htost unders tan'in/^ 



w'l'vt Ihis !;»ea.ns for r 



n i 11 ov.' nrorr)undlv it 



r rents us. ,/e should value t eir acts d.ifTerentl 



because th 



o?] t kno^.' wh 't thev do 



Thev just dont ,';rasp it, "e >re rn\: su frici en t.ly 
slrnnle' — v/e ro over sensitive, forever 



aalysir)"- - nonsense - it i.iikes life onl^' 



more 



colli -licated 



• • • • 



mmm-' 



- 182 - 



A Sunday: with a student from Chile 

'It is a universal condition r^r *.v. 

believe in the existenL'\°"r I'd^^^^HT'' '''''' '""^ '"^"'^ -st 

r«t nave a mysterv fr. ,««,. 

^-^*.c?xy zo move in " 

^•C. Maxwell 



- 1 



83- 




So I livc<i by tryin;: to coinproiTii «;e • Hiore v/cro still 

bociutif^il flowers on certain days, at tines lie took 

n:e f^or 'ILnnor -nd occ «sioiial trir>s <»rj woelcnnrls, 

ilowover, ^ w i:^ iricreas In^^l y nn-ble to continue 

t'^osc cn<lle.s.5 lonely ov«;nin,':s, holid.ys >nd weeiicnfls, 

VloTie in my Ptirnished pi -ne «•] t!i nothing to do, 

no tolerihono, no pimo, j'lst i Jittlc 'M r.-^dio, 1 

folt t^ic n«^cc.'jsity to enl -ir^r'* ny life. 

i'lms the acqtiain tancos t the Intern tJonal iioiise, 

where 1 had I'v -^j) nis-^ lessons wi t!i i. el id a nov; 

becafie '-ly frien<ln, v/ho 1 vmtld ^late, ^ho war was 

cor.ij.n": to an end nH , to my .":re'.tost do' i'jht, the 

Amori c i-'iF. v/ere in i iris - 

/ind t'ton l.'ier^ wore the lef.tors of v,\y Vielove<' inot'^er 

who wro tc : 

"•... .Iwiys when l was in doe-) worry about 

yon ' felt issnrcd t at ^ on liivo tlio !ie-'d 

and lie rt in the ri/dit snot, and t'^erefore 

you v/ore il^le to .jui:ip over tlie wall on 

t!)e fhirl^es t days of yo ir J i f c • 

My b(;l oved darl in - , how many thJ nf;:s 

yon haci to survive alre^idy , , , , , '' 



ft 



- 18> - 



SOMC 0[^ TI»: CAIM'UONS I COL I.IOCTCi) IN >'Y 'JiAUY T TT! riM^: 



- ^4 - 



.*».^. -^ 







Xv' •* J ' Ix lr'^'ii^,.' 



I; 





■.< 



»M«l/t 



iwUki 



'y'fe' 



lis is the 



I R Ha 




V. 



AHTIM**\HOE HLLR AND ANCOMA DHF.VV MONOCI EH r^ A Z I 



'ei 



a 




- 186 - 





am 



r 







i>r<ii s >n[nr 



/.lis). 





-w*^ 



^^^%« 



<) 1 |{V.M «» — I III /> /irii (//i/»/M»f icri* rii i<Kiriirn/i). 



IXI I'fl/I 



/ f« // ttlutluT hr'H (I tlitrk 



iiir sc M I r /I 



r/i 11 /ii/c >l 



ri/i«'«i «»r (I u 



hit* 



littr^r nilli tItirU >trifn- 



NAZI MIMSTIIl ()I l.< ONOM^ I I M\ — I In- K(ini:tiruu (Mnrsiipiiis hntihrtiftt ti 

III- iiinLtw liifi jimijty nitli i/*i/j/,> puitn- 



I 



.r> 




M \ r ^11 V 



( |M I V |\_7'. f^'tl 



f, f<trnll 



lift tit 



flflfn"-4' ' 



- lob - 




-1 •- 





JAP I'HI .MII,|{ -|O.I(»_/7„. f„rl..,„ (Curnlln. Inf.,,,,!.). 

I',il> his fut:-, in ,,ili, r j,, ,,i,l, \ ,,, -.1., 



cs 



C^AJO *>^-^ VKkXc^rX^ 



(,i Js / hr ham >. 



t*' 



- i 




\ 



« r rCui**.^ 



d\ - . 






X 



V 



# 




IMKKHi: LAN AI.~//m. Ua.,wV (/•/,„ sn,,./.,.). 

>/r«/.H vivr\ llu„fi that .sl,i„rs. 







1 1 



hi 
1-1 



B 



r. 



r> 



- 1.-9 - 



A T(m;:i u/tm t:»;: i' .s i : 



iirin,'; in ;iy tmclo's bo.'.u ti f^i 1 1 i vIttt room DVf^r— 
.looklJT V tl\n Hudson T rernonibor l.hc nionion (; whon nnme- 
one •.r.':<'d no, i r 1 kn«^v that 'osoph '-^cln/.-ir/, now 
1 i v M ; in X o v/ York, 

Tlio nnclo v/ • s '^-rwin, in *^n ■. I i F^hiri'in , w'loso TrniTl- 
r tlior v^is y\y ;;ranr] f n ther ' s l)rother. ^c was m.irri ed 
to 'Ictty \.'ho h 'd fmir' 1 u,";htf;i's li :\ bj. l yonn^or 
Him myself. -^ only mado thoir .-\cmu • i n tancc in the 
19^u's v;iion 1 wc\s in 1 -ndon, t t'\' i rj •, to soil a diamond 
I'in.": which ins' broUior in liw h -d .'^nnij:.:lod. (vit of 
I rermnny • 

oincc ii'v/in'.s brother ind sister v/ere rti si clans and 
i:iy r.iothcr's chll ihood fri'-nds, i v/ori t to them when 
L needed help, "^rndnal 1 y we b<>c ^rie fh'iends 'tid I 
;:rcw Ton i o!" tlicMr dan/yhters. 

The qMo^tinTi eorieorniiT: -Jose'*!! '"''div; rz To 1 t 1 i k»^ a 
boJ t nf 1 J :ii ten i n/: since 1 issoci ted !iim i':riod i a t e 1 y 
v/:i t!i 'ly -.ot' f>r, !) ich md hovio, he v;aM a '^issian 
■pr. f i";oe v;ho used to 1 i v^ i ri WmM in trinrin/T the world 
wi til iiin son PI i'"Ln,'. the viul in. "!ii1i» in oni' town 
tliov stav'ed in onr ipirtmnnt irid my mo the?' md i 
harl !>i "'o 1 (»ssons rro;.i him, whiJo his son r^rxve 
le^>sons t<^ Kiy sister. 

I'^irtiiornore , i r'^c »l lo ! a pi .no tr uiscrLpti on dor?ef">h 
•5c1iv;t'/, made fr >!r. an oiv'-n '.vork u \cli h.\d transcribed 
f r " I Vivaldi, Years i.-o when L i.io t v\y m thcr in 
^'.vd tzeri rid ^ copied it, conseq-ion t J y .studied and 
nl.i.ved it I VoM tui.es before an audience in -ris. 



IU(. <;»)Kimi:i.S— 77ir ll,n,l,r Mnnkry (Vur.iMH mnfnsnr). 

I ' /..../ - ill..- ,, ,,: I,, l.t, I ,\ ,, ,,,,,,,/, . 



- 190 - 







My unci c ■rv.-i n v/i i.h 
his v.'i fo iiotty 



r 



- TM - 



Ilov;ovnr, no;; ill this seomod 1 i ko n tni r.-i.^rc , 
Jofionli *^chv/ir"/ rocriv^'l mo \/.i th :\ 1m '7 sr-iiJe -i 
fo'.v fl-\'s 1 -t'^r -n 1 -^ t I' '11(11 V tol'l lii-M that T 
h.ui a C(Mn' or ^i is ^^ic'i t r in sci' i :W: i on , llo hncl 
m'!''o rovisLons sinco t'lo first \'*^rsion, itt'I 
SM.'^^os t(Ml tlKit -^ '<\(l thos(? ch irr^os to my noriy. 
^'■.1 thou '.h 1 Ivifi r^von np pi > v i n •; tl^o :>ir->tin Ion-: 
Ij'M'orn, !i(3\;<'Vor i l>lt r-iotivato'l Lo fol low his 
Siv.'TCS tion H'l v/rMi t a fow tir-io-S.to *!is honso to 
co-'V cho 1.1 i.nvKscr 1. p t , 

'.I'hen my roi it-ivcs sav; niy on thti f.i .•sin on finlln,': 
J<).'i<">h ^c.lwrrz .L";i'.n, thoy pr()po;iO'l th'\t -^ nso 



tholr T'i no \;:iil'' t!ioy w-^ro o 



n V'C • t i on , T 



acco'-to'i thoir off^er, ))ut thn ol'l oxcitornont 
;.'ts tMis.in-'-. *\atJior it fo 1 t s if 1 f.rio'l to 
nonotr vte ;i sphorc tf) u-hir:h I h "1 lost t'-'o 
nri V i 1 f^'To of ontr\'. r^rastrntod ani d i saoMoin tod 
I aba.ndo!i(' 1 -d 'Vin.-^ t'io piano. 



■^0!:io w'l lit- 1 1 tor 



\/ris 1 



nvi t;"(l to i honsf* nonoort 



o 



w.o I 



^. or "^''is.si-in f'T'i/^no, idiTJ h.lstrdn, vh o 



innrf)'nnod !:ic to his fri'^nds as .1 "iMUsi ni ai , " 

My 0-0 i'lmncd w i t,h Joy - wh v di-! ho sny this'' 

ivoj nc tan t ] y ^ rroriies-ed t'nat -^ n(j 1 on :or '>! !yod 
anviiioro - 'nil -opirontdv it did !iot; .son; ; t.o rnatd.or 
to c'in\a;nc. 



- 19 'i - 



Youri , a cellist, was an older '.i tri v.iio socnicd 
ini.ere.stcd in ,'Tettini": me back to music, iioJn,': 
n ^Hissian rof\j;:ee ho s iw my problems rrf>«n a 
dirforcnt i^orsnective than nyseJ f sinoo his 
exr)crionce of living viprooterl had been miny 
ycar3 lon.'Tor. bus he tried t.o c«:>nvLnce mo that 
he would facilitti.e viy pltyin,': the y^iano by 
r,ivinf^ nie free co c'mti': sessions, nd that for 
little :;r)ney ho wo -Id Jot nie h 'vo a snail room 
behind his kitchen where -^ o^nld i)nt a rented 
ui>ri::h t . 

-^inco i:iy landlady would not permit mc to have 
a piano, it all seemed i^eifect and so 1 bo. 7:011 
to i)r iccice a^^'^l'i* 




- 193 



f 



- 1 



9^ 







Tho ii r'len hour, o of 



my 



:n;:Jish f.-nii ] 



in i ondon 



n 




My niotlier in Leeds 



T 



' T 



^ 



It wan 19''Ot pe ICO was in the '-ir, I had learned 



to sj>o 'k some better ^n.'^li.sh \\\ 



1 ^ 



p '111 :v\ 



KorJcinrr 



rive oi;;ht Iiour divs in "^h ir li f ' .•, factory, v/Iiile 
enjoy in,': the ti e with ''Rlida it the -^n ternatioanl 
lloti.se. To my iio tiler's S'tisf iction -^ h \d esta- 
blished ;;ood rol ^.'ti on shi ris with fa-ii 1 y members 



and 



as particuJarJy proud about r.iy renewed 



tics to 'nusic, 

Charlie was hnppy to hav(» survived the v;orst by 

nlun.cin,': b icic int') in ikin,". woddin/. dres.ics anrl 



hoste.ss ,":ov/ns 



while evenin.^ drosses be.'^an 



se ! lin 



1 1 ^'■t. • 



iu: in 



i.'^er t') I'oturn to ''urope 



h >rlie 



loft on a I'.ot v/eekend in dune, aslcinf^ an 
clressm.aJver to t il<e nh ir/^e of his business 



J-tal 



1 an 



-^ took the opportunity to ,':ive him tho a<ldress of 
my relatives in London and notified my motiier of 



his v i f, 1 t 



v> 



n 1)1 s re 



turn ^h trJie told jne hov; he 



had l)oeu impressed wit) my family s .''^onerous 



hospi taJ i ty 



l)viousJy \\\o. Mieetin.'T v/as a success 



sine:' he went tf) dinner armed ^/ith a bouquet of 
roses, *L' roi ttives invir.ed him b ick to t'ueir 
oie,':ant h')i:ie for otdier visits wlienever he v/as 
i r\ I ondon • 
On the sane './eekerul (Jh trlie harl left for 1 ondon 



went io 



the beach with a cousin, './here -'- made 



r 



- 19 3 - 



r 



lOb _ 





fn n () !' ■ M ni si t: L i n 



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111 1 



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r»,-i t: LoriiMi licor ni'l oLliors - i. ! i- ''i' t 



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f.-n t. I ',• nn OIK.' Iiul ttio c:' >'i I'a :o t.-'.iii . <l''cisions 



and 



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( ) 



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\ t ' ■ ■ I t 



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■ly 



io".' \;as s ()!.iov;l I a t, clon h^h: 





f 





t^^^^ 




- iy? - 



Jp 



still without lo.^al clociifnen t s , 'ly husband 
sornevhoro in .'vfrica, the "tionownoon" './i th 
Chnrlio fie teriorated , my mother far away, T 
had never seen ;ny sister's three children and 
now they were movin/^ to I'ri 1 es tine . !'y father 
v/as Tone nrv] with hinj all t)i^ irisurance policios 
he had carried for our safety as v/oll as his 
money, factory rid houses which the Nazis ohli;;ed 
hir^j to sell. 

"lireslau, "homo" with ill its " trinrdn/TS'' soomed 
to h -ve dJsappoar«>d from the nia|) and 1 did not 
even dare t») think of all those L Icnew, whether 
they have <lied or survived somewhere. 
Thus the peace so niany welcoried did not brin.^ mo 
any coiKiol. vtion - life br(^ke my future into 
pieces, s tri i'j>in,'T i'»o of every tlinr: 1 had,,,, 
vniat to do?? 

iJesi)ite these depressin,T thou,'7hts my youthful 
optimisi;: brou.'jht me to the conclusion that I 
itr.ist find the strenf^th to compromise i,e, to 
cn^oy today's 'sunshine" le jviui'^ the future 
to fate. 



'^f'^*^*^E^^^^'^'*S!W^%l*flf''' ' 



- 198 - 



•i:.-.--Wj ~ 
^ - 







• i « 



iLake Mew York^ 







. *>^. •■■■ . . ■^J 



"»r 1 » »- ■ 



-~— — ^a;*;^ 



the beautiful, sophisricatrd 
gra When they walk wah grace on 

I IX>NT 1.IKK t:.c.n; in ni^^ht club., 
.Where they ber.uvc unnaturally and arr- 
ioud a^ U.ou;;n they wer..- airaid U»ai 
somebody wouldn't notice them. 
i. 



By UERNAIIDO CARLOS ALEMANY 

^Ar^nuno Wn,., Now Uvm, U, Now York 



I LIKE the correctly dres. .-d bu.sine.s.s 
men »n the.r luxunou. Wall Street 
oiiicca. 

^here ihey eat so fa.t l;..-u tney don't 
•kiiow what they are ealint'. 

\ I LIKK Uie plain ur.prttontioui, Amrr- 
■d'she.r^'^'"'''"'^ ""'''" '^*''' iiouU.ern 

;J I'l'i"'' *'^*''' ^'^'^ i.nlcrnaliuiiaJ re.-. 
'ta^riLm5-w.Uwhc.r rr.enu« wiwch .ourfd 

Continental manner. 





I lAKK the wonderful pain ting-" 'exhi- 
_^bition3 on Fifty-sevcnUi Street. 

I r>ONT LIIvE Uic preview opcuinL's 

_ wi.ere evco'Lody chats, eat^ sandwiches 

and dnnk^ cocktails and nobody shows 

the slightest interest in the paintings. • 

-' I UKt the Staiue of Uberty. which 
I iiKF tv i~-r? ["'' ^^' ^'^^^ ^''■^•^^ ^'■'Jl from the. 

_U>.„^ tho.. ,., Teutro Co,.,, '" Bje„'o:-,^,;,""-;-->: "KK ... neighbor. Elm X..'" 
,.>'--Wto:,.r;^.^"",""''./;-ot.nK....:^I[™3j '''^;^-"- to ISSU, street via 

- :t^;" ";r.r„rr.°" p"'-''-^.-" ^'way. 



clubs, will, their 



1 

• I lAHE the r.i;;ht 
wonderful orchestra i 

:. 1 DON'T Ulit: the head waiters who 

apologue «Iyiy ^.e,,,.. ,,, ^^.^^^ ^^^^^ 

,wadt IS reserved, but wi,i ,.-. you l^ 

,;.<^a. you war.t if you give theni a gooi 

• "' "- " =^ E! z — _ - w 

! I MKE the cockliii r.«„„.,. wTurUivir - 
pcr/ect and ap.-.dy bartender., 

jou tunda. I,kp a .shadow, another „or- 
L"vcrvo,r''"" '"'"' ''^"•- >■- ■^''<'-- -'> 



— o.n,.. -If. -^ -= •■-'''-;--;ro:r;.roT.t~Aa'n?-" 

.,.'a"-r„',;"": '•-- -'- they ,ro./^- . . ,.T. '''''' '" >'°" '-'•• "■ ..; 



■- .ent. and .how then acli't ::.;;e:;^ "" 



ligh';'"" '"■'^■"^"^y. With it. wonderful 

" '-"'ivrj Lnein VL'Mon o *■» 

-"0".' d'^'"'/"^ »- .',r^t t;nr^:v;:".-. 

— 10 rind out throu'/i t - ••'>-- 

the touKh. in,|,clile 1 '""^w *>^^lthy you are! ^"^ l^-^^t.oni, 



taxi'dr?. J , - '*"•• t""«". i.n|.clile - 



t-te,o„ :?ait:';,'',%:'-^>-tough an. 



;for/a tip 



I ••LIKK fascinating y 



with itc ..r. . ^ 'ark Avenue, 

AC^tl-c^drng., .hey'sor^v^ ' ^'^'^ 



>■%'< 



- coL'^'t^ V "j^^v" ^'^^<''-ican.s when tnev 

^ na live .; : n /' ^^^ '^"^^^^^'^^ '" ^^eiV 
„ native South Amcncan way- 

_• ' '^'^'■^ thr magnificenl thcalre^nor.- 
^.^1 LIKl. the men in the audi-- 



-- I LIKK the workHil-.^iria In Hn,. » 
- rnent stores whn s^, ' ^ depart-. 

I DOX'T I IKK fv,„ 
the'customer" order toT""' *"° "»>°"t 
".eyare;e;?tp::inr."-°'"'"^-: 



/ 



rDON-3>KE-tJ r.de in suhw^. and --r-vy'c;;:rc':a,."Lt: and'w'r" '""' 
.k at.UB «J.and un.a-j.,r,ed ,L, „, - to aa« 20 cenu for . hat^reck, """'^' 



« I-IKK the sn^art • « I 

SASSr ~E25 .;■••—= ■-■-=: -- £?-.'=r-iiS~ 

that they flometimes for^'-.t 10 get Off at '-'- I I ikf f^ , ' I dovt i ,. .. * 

Uij^r d„tu.atio„. , . °" ":- e.a'horMe'-o, :;3'"'^"^'^''.''""' *'"> '*>'''-:. '-'taU men''" :;.^f;T-''",they try V 

- f- -. -^ --./'''■„,:--- UKK the .levator .an, .ho. ' "'".'"«-- t.he,;^,;:; -Tt^ "'^ .^"'-iT 






«._ 



_I.-_-J^*"":. "' '• t^'KlnS "bout baseball "^—r^ 





r^. 





.© 



- 1 09 - 



AND M::p:T THK pimp: \.S it jiCEKS us " Shakespeare 



The $500.- that Charlie had e:iven me raised my 
spirit relieving some of my fears about a possible 
split, '•''hile it was clear that -^ had bCfTiin my work 
at the factory without any qualifications whatever, 
at this point -'- realized with pride that 1 had gained 
valuable experience, which wo ild enable me to find 
another job if 1 parted from ^harlie. 
Like my father, *^harlie supplied me only the money 
I needed for rent, the dentist, etc, but n^ver any 
cash. To most people I appe ired to have adju.sted to 
^"^ew Aork, bein^^ in perfect health, well dressed, 
havinrr a good job, able to read, write and speak in 
four languages, playing trie piano and having some 
friends • 

Some German dressmakers in hirlie's place had left 
£ind to fill their place the asthmatic Cuban dress- 
milker, Marucha, was hired, as well as other Cuban 
friends of her. This permitted me to practice my 
•Spanish .uid develop friendships w^lich were later to 
prove quite decisive in my life. Ch.^rlie was delighted 
since they worked for less money and better than 
h 1 s ^emails • 

ilowever, no one st^ened to notice that I now carried 
the responsibility for whatever happened in Charlie's 
place • 




"V 




- 200 - 









Thus, no bill was paid without my initials, 
customers frequently called me directly for 
delivery, often in despair when they needed some- 
thing special for certain dates iind ^ was in con- 
stcxnt motion calculating the time of the vsirious 
sta^^es to have the material in stock, getting the 
dresses cut, sewn, embroidered, etc. I was in 
frill charge of the stockroom ordering the supplies, 
making out tickets, checkin^j inventories and 
distributing- che work. 

Moreover, I was also working in the showroom with 
or without Charlie frequently carrying heavy bales 
of satin 50" wide from one end of the premises to 
the other. L-^te afternoons 1 packed voluminoMS 
gowns into boxes the size of coffins, putting 
string around and addressing them while Charlie 
made out the bills. 

Dreading the emptiness of my furnished room, I always 
tried to meet friends or fcunily^ attend concerts etc. 
It was rather distre.sHing for me to realize that 
time and circumstances had changed that bcautifnl 
relationship with 'Charlie and -^ had begun to date 
other men. 

One day someone older than the usual crowd sat at 
our table at the International House, ^^e had deep 
blue eyes in an oval shaped face and a heavy gold 



W 




"V 




- 201 - 








IC 



watchband hun^ loose on his wrist as if he had 
lost a lot of wei^jht recently. I felt drawn to 
him and soon wis coming to understand him as he 
told his sometimes confusing: story in a stron^jly 
accented l^'rench, 

^is was .\ntonio, with whom I developed a pro- 
found relationship which was to endure for h^ years 
until his de.ith,. ciespite n host of problems, 
chanr,es find challenges. 

Like two puzzle pieces we fitted together despite 
our different backf^rounds Joining each other 
intuitively, "e were both married but without our 
spouses neither of us s^oke a fluent i^n,':li3h but 
French was the second langxiaj^e for both oik us and 
neither one of us had "legal" documents to remain 
in this country. 

Theoretically he could have returned to his native 
Portugal but psychologically he felt uprooted 
since ho lived in Africa the last ten years. 
Moreover, ho profoundly mourned both his parents 
who had just died and his only sister recently 
married for the second time^was preoccupied with 
two little children. 



o 



H 




- 202 - 






He hj\cl an MD from the University in Lisbon but was 
washin^j dishes in the cifeteria of the International 
House since this fjave hira the chance to eat, ^^e had 
a joint bajik account with his wife whom he had left 
with his sister in Lisbon, but she had taken out 
all his .noney, iie was stranded, lost, lonesome cind 
alone - and so was I, 







,© 




•a 

Ul 



^ 



- 203 - 



ANTONIO ( as I remember him- ) 



Born in Dra€:an9a (Portugal) as the son of a post- 
master general -Vntonio grew up in Lisbon where he 
went to college and certified as a physician. 
Although his father had a well paid position he was 
not able (or not willing?) to fin.ance a private 
office for Ajitonio, 

For physicians without a specialty .jobs were scarce 
in Portugal since there were not too many hospitals. 
\;hen *^tonio married through his father in law*s 
connections with the ministry of the colonies he was 
offered a job at a coffee plantation itj Angola which 
he accepted. 

However, bored with the colonial life style, he 
joined a scientist in studying r.orillas, resulting in 
a book which was published by the ministry of colonies, 
and a grant to visit European ^003 to observe gorillas 
in cai^tivity. 

His next position was in the jungle of .Mozambique 
where he was in charge of a hospital for the natives. 
Although he tried to divert himself by doing some 
research on tropical diseases and writing about his 
travels (which were both published-) he felt trapped 
by the lack of possibilities to advance himself. 
Moreover, deprived of ;uiy cultural stimuli in the Jungle ^ 
he felt the need for a change. 



,0 





m 




-20^ - 




.Vntonio must have re;id (or heard) somewhere about 
a Spanish ophtal molo{3ris t , ^r. R, Castroviejo who, 
celebrated as the author of the "atlas of keratectomy" 
(the excision of a portion of the cornea) and 
"keratoplasty" (plastic surgery of the cornea) was 
working: air the Columbia I'resby tarian Hospital in 
^ew Yoitk City. With the idea to improve himself by 
learning a specialty, he thought of studying with 
this man in New York, By 19^5 he had saved: some 
money to come to the States and was free to leave 
his position. 

Being reluctant to undertake such an adventure with 
his wife, he begged her to remain in Lisbon with his 
sister to which she consented, ^'^'evertheless , he did 
not realize t!ie amount of time, effort and money it 
would require to become specialized in such a difficult 
field such as or^htalmology . 

Nor was he aw ire of **orld War II development with its 
Ponsequences such as the GI bill. Thus, it took him 
by surprise when american veterans invaded the 
University, inclurling the lectures of Ur. *^astroviejo. 
With the additional blow of learning that his wife 
had cleaned out their joint bank account he must 
have been at tiie point of desperation. 



© 



- 205 - 




- 2 06 - 



'ft 



k 



Lookin^^ b;ick 1 dont think I perceived his tr igredy 
in its entirety, since I was so distracted by the 
loss of so many around me due to the Nazis* So I 
approached his distre.ss with perha; s more optimism 
than was warranted, reasonin^j that, after all, he 
could Qo back to Portugal and (yet a job with the 
government, precious thinj^s none of us refugees 
could claim to possess. However, the sug'^estion th 
rettjm to 'Africa was the worst advise I could have 
proposed, ^e came to love 'onerica and wanted to stay 
no matter under what circuras tances • 

It was the spring of 19^6, 

My days wero full: niy job it Charlie's meeting my 
girlfriend weekly for spmish lessons at t>ie Inter- 
national House, going to concerts and parties with 
Antonio, practicing the piano, A consequence was that 
the piano was rather neglected since it had lost its 
imt'Ortance. 

The rift with ^harlie did not hurt so much euiymore, 
but 3/ dont think I realized Charlie's reactions to 
my intimacy with '^tonio. 

In October my mother came, (^harlie had supplied the 
money for a boat trip <md we were all looking forward 
with great exciteujent. '^inco we had not seen each 
otlier for eight ye.ir.s I was eager to be with her 
and to show and tell her everything. 



f» 



- 2(-7 - 





r 



r^ 



\f^ 



O 



" 20S - 



I shouJd h ive t;iken time off but Jid'nt and Charlie 
did ridt j)ropotic it eiilutr, j)robiibly lecause i had be- 
come too irr'.])or tan t wi t a the daily roiHino in }i i s 



business 



o nv mother was .l«»rt on her own (. 



o see 



i^ew i 



orl 



V • 



[•^ir therrnoro 



'■n tonic did not spo dv my ^M-ni,aji and 



ve r 



little 



n 



1 i sh so wh 



ever" w • s sin 



into ^'rench which ny iiiothei' did not hno' 



1 



iH' 



tr tns 1 a ted 
i^ o s o n t e d . 



In f <: t she told i.a,» that sh^ f^' 1 t. is if I wt-re wh i s nerinp: 

into .^11 t o 1 1 i t) ' s e ' r H . 

Then /tntonio /;o t sick. Deeply worrie^i i v/en t daily 



before w 



ork to 



s o c 



iin .in 



.^ I 



o 



:i ike ii ! ::i comfort d.) 1 o 



.:> o ni y . o 



ther left t-j be wilii my cousin in -^ou th Dakota 



where 



A 



1 » ■ won 



Id fin 



I moro con/'enial e r v i ronnioii t 



Tlie 



srn 



ail place 



: 1 e r e 



1 lived, t : . r e e f 



;i i.s u'o 



\' » 



i tiaou t 



tele'dione md ::u- woricin,'. ill dciy (besides bein,"; concerned 



a. 1 ' o u 



t Antonio) did nc^L leave much ia)^^::i foi' in y mother 



There were other disappoin tnien ts 



when 



I 



»> 



V«J 



\ 



ier 



li ii i.'S i wrote with so i:ui(di love for 



h '^ r o v * r these 



in V 



ve : rs sru> re! use* 



,t ) 



liscu.ss them 



[dioutiu,-; ,an^:ril y : " .Spi-echen soil ich d^rtlbt-r aach noch 
(-'- should i. ilk ai)out theiii ta)0 .' ) 



o rt 



'hen 



./e 



i-e to.'other in 



irne^Tie Hall - insteicl of 



en ,j o y in, 



tie riiusi 



ind hein,: with me, she ST)ent lier 



time 



f iCO 



I o o k i n 



I re J 



nd 



s if s : 1 



in the audience 



.:> o w e 



I , 



»' W' ^' 1 



1 



1 d 



r 



1 n 



a f ami liar 



1 a ' 1 our ' 



lifderences -it was 



f 





o 



-209. 



1^^ 



not surprisin/: that the many years h-<d changed us and 
my liope that she might consider living with me in New 
York was shattered. Not only because we were different 
she also disliked .\mericans exclaimin,-:: "everyone has a 
dollar written on their face." Soon she returned to 
^^land. • . 

The day my mother left I found /Vntonio's room empty 
with bloodspots everywhere, and was told thnt someone 
had brought him to a hospital but did not know which 
one. P'oiicked I got a ^^axi , whose driver truly helped 
me, .and I found -^ntonio. There was something wrong with 
his lungs but I do not remember the diagnosis. After a 
few days he was discharged and told to eat good food and 
find attentive care. 
Needless to say ^ took him home with me» 




f> 



- 210 - 



o 



- 211 - 




LIFE TOGETHER: 



■^ '•T>. .1i<M 










fN 






f> 



"Et meme quand to t ' en vas ton ame reste chez moi 
Tu voudrais bion t'absenter, mais moi Jo reste en toi 
Nou3 sommes devenus inseparable 
Que nous voulions I'admettre ou non - 
II n'a a plus rien a nier 
Tu es a moi et moi je suis a toi." 

(And even if you were to t^o away, your soul 'remains with 
You may want to leave but 1 remain within you 
We became unseparable if we want to idmit it or not. 
i'here is nothin.T to deny about it anymore, 
You are mine and I am yours) 



These lines I wrote in my calender of 19^7 without the 
faintest notion tliat some kO years later Antonio would 
otjerwhelm me with his constant whisper on his deathbed: 
"I love you - I love you - I love you " 

Ttius in 1V^7 we be{^an life together with no money, 
family or furniture, yet we soon had a few nice friends* 
Dadly Antonio attended br. Gas trovie jo ' s lectures with 
whom he had become good friends and who had given him 
permission to audit tuid ^ went to Ch-irlie's factory, 
now as "manager." We both knew that ^tonio's future was 
nowhere but to remain in the States he would ha'Ire to 
marry someone with -American papers (he was married) 
go to the army (too old for that) or become a priest 
(which was beyond his possibilities) The middle way 
was trying: to ch mge his totirist visa into a student 
one, but he had no money for tliat, nor would studying 
legalize his status. 



Mi^^j^iai^l 



/ 



- 212 - 



u.^- 



ui-f. - 



RECORDERS OF 
LORE 




,-COfflNUE WORK 






The Social Science Field Lab- 
oratory in.stiiute has recently 
returned to Uki^^ r.-> resume i{s 
research w5?ra^^. the Indian.s 
of thLs locality. This year the 

cd 'A-, h the Maxu-ell Graduate 
f:.^""^ o L-5Zi-acu.se Univrr.cjfv 



Director oHhe Laboratory is 

S'-ir iV'^;- /^"'"^ Chairman 
^.01 LIU: U'parlnivnltr Sociology 

. and Anlnropology at the College 
«^'?;k ^.^'^^ °^ ^^^'••^' York. Dr. 

' "d?W^- ^^^"^^*^y ^-^ A.s.sociatei 
Director and Alfred p. parse'l ' 
. li^ A.ssLslant Director of the Lab- ' 
. o;-^tory. Dr. E:}).: A-sn.Vv and 
• f^- Par-Jl aie nicmocrs^of tho i 
. tpacnm:: ,taff o' tho Department 
of Sociolosy and Anihropologv 
;_at jjunter CoDege in Ne-A York j 

Research work among the Ind- 

• J^i!f .""^ ^^^••''^'^ ^'^^ Mendocino 
coun.y nri.s L\"cn In prog.recs b" 

fn.H?/'';;^'^^'''^-'' ^^"^^ ^^34 '.vhen 
under tl^p .spon.<;orship of Coi- 
•. umb:a Univcr.^itv. th.ev nru^o 
their fir.st field trip to this ree- 
lon In 1039 the scope of th-ir 
ac.ivjtirs was expanded through 
the organization of the Field 
. Laborau-ry wi^jch was first 
. sponsored by New York Univer- 
sity. 

; Each .su.mmer since 1939. until 

■ ti rn •'''u* u'^ ^'■'' Af;in.sky came 
to Ukiah bringing with them a 
• different pioup of scient:st.s 
^ and students to participate in 
the research project. Thiv years 
, ^cssion is the fust to be'con- 
^ ducted .Since the outbreak of the 
V.ar, althou^'h the AsiM<^kys 
came to Ukiah laH .summer to 
visit and to do personal work. 
The project upon which the 
• Fieid Laboratory is en::n-ed Ls 
. scientific :;nd educatiotial in ni- 
turc. In the past support f'i- 
iiancial and otherwise, has been 
provided by such major educa- 
tional and re^cardi instituti^n.s 
as Cohirv-ii University. th« So- 
V'"' He:ev.- Ke.vearrh Counc:! 
. ;..id New V >:k Univei-.itv At the 

T vjdcd through a. special rc.«^oarch 
.£rant_from the Vikin- Fund 



Including; this suinmer'.s group, 
a total of 32 persons comir.K from 
20 different universities and col- 
leges throujihout the country 
Iiave v;.siied Ukiah as members of 
Llie i'lcld Laboratoiy. Tl.e Drs. 
orii^'inators of tKe 

"IliiVi" 



_A^;nskv 



Lab- 
spent eight sum 



(>.\ilV;> , ~-c.-.- 

inci'i\r.,d parts of two winters in 
the Ukiah Valley. Parsell. a 
mcr.ibrr of the original group in 
193JJ», ha^ been a resident of the 

\ cun'.uumity for five summers and 

two winters. Daring the winter 

^ of 1042-43 he w.is as-^ociatcd with 

• the Bartlelt Oil & Burner Com- 
pany m Ukiali. 

Eight new scicnli.sLs and stu- 
dents have joined the Laboratory. 

, this summ.-'r. Comir.;^ ^r<'-'^ Lis- 

; ben. Portu.i^a;. i^ Dr. Li/. Fcn-cira . 

I uiiO is at prc.^.iii eaga'^^ed m a:d- 
vanced anthropoloq:ical study in 
New Yoi'K. Dr. hcrreira 16 a .spec"- 

' iali^tin trop.cal di.spa.sc.s , and has 
done c.xtcniivo medical 'work in 



iuthcrn Africa. 



I 



' ea.stern and .Sv _ 

I Syracuse University, wiiiai is 
I iiov.- .>pon.soring the Laboratory, 
; is represented by Mrs. Eileen P. 
I Kuhns, of the Department of 
•-Sociology and Anthropology, and 
<* William B. Mitchell, geographer 
* and pholograpacr. Mrs. Kuhns 
ronie.s Irom Ponland. OreV'-'n." 
. MiLchell's heme Is m Baker^- 
. field. 

Other members of the Labora- 
[ tory are Florence Mahl of New 
'York City, a fellowship student 
in the Graduate School of the 
New Sc;hool for Social Research; 
Eugene Golhn, also of New York 
City, a graduate student at the 
Colle-o of the City of New York; 
Dixon Bush of St. Louis, Missouri. 
and Michael Feucrs, of New York 
City, both students at the Col- 
lege of the City of New York. 
Coni^tance Hanf. a graduate of 
New York University, is on the 
tCc.ching slalf of the Town and 
rountry School in New York 
City. 

The Laboratory-" group will re- 
main in Ukiah throughout the 
months of July and Au-u^t. 
They h.ave their headquarteis in 



the north 
Schcoi. 



wir.g of Ukiah High 



,« 



- 213 - 



So we worried, but happy to have found each other, 
trying to^ake the best of it. One day ^Vntonio met 
a {jirl who was a student in iuithropology and insisted 
on introducing him to the Drs, /V^insky(8ee clipping") 
Doth were rather keen to have Antonio in their group 
to study the Indians in California, a research project 
sponsored by the Viking Fund, 

;/hen .\ntonio agreed to go with them ^rs. ^^ginsky helped 
Antonio to fill out the requested forms sugfjesting 
that he would go for a Ph,^. in -Anthropology, 
Antonio laughed at this idea thinking it to be an 
impossible task, (He made it though, •• ) 

By coincidence my cousin living in South Dakota invited 
me to Join them to go by car to California where her 
husband wc\nted to visit his sisters. So we would be 
both in c^ilifornia at the same time,*,, I flew to 
South Bcikota and Antonio went by car with ^r, ''^ginsky's 
group. We had a wonderful trip from South ^akota via 
the Black ^^ills, Denver to the ^rand Canyon and then 
vi^ the Ghost Mountains to Los ^ngeles where separated 
from my cousin to join Antonio in Ukiah, 
Together we went by bus to the redwoods, admiring the 
beautiful landscape. Six weeks later Antonio returned 
to New York with a shoebox filled with cards containing 
the various data he collected. Officially he was now 
a student entitled to 9 credits from the Syracuse 
University but only if he were to write a paper about 
the Indians, 



m 






- 214 - 

To legalize his status he had to register as a student 

in anthropology at a university in New Vork. The needed 

money to enroll I supplied with the understanding to 

return it one day. (Ho did) However, writing the paper 

about the Indians frustrated him so that one rainy 

evening he took the shoebox with all the data and 

threw it out the window. Pretending that this was 

an accident I nished down the three flights soliciting 

eTeryone in sight to help me collecting the many cards. 

At this point I promised to help him as long as he 

wrote in whatever language he chose* Since I had taken 

lessons in i'ortuguese for about a year we finally 

succeeded in finishing it. 

I then transl »ted the paper into '^nglish assisted by 

a girl fro I Charlie's factory who had been at Fiunter 

College. It was a turning point for '"ntonio since 

now he received the nine credits from Syracus University 

as well as credit for his "life experience" (MD from 

Lisbon University^ which were transferred to Columbia 

University where he was now a student in anthropology. 

Somewhat later he had the idea to give this paper 

to the chairman of his department who was so enthusiastic 

about it that he submitted i t to the Ford foundation 

who gave him a scholarship of |2.500«..., 



,© 



Ht^U, J. tfiHf, 



'o 



- 215 - 



At the end of 19^7 when 1 realized that my life with 

Antonio had replaced my interest in music I wrotethe 

following lines in my diary: 

" In der Nacht, in der ich ftlhlte, dass er mich 
nicht vorla^^sen wird, schloss ich in meinem 
^raiun drei {:ros3e 'Kl^el - 

Asche sah ich noch verstreut von dem, der vor 
rair spielte, Ich wiisste es war v^oseph ^chwarz* 
der tot war und grosse Trauer war in meinem ^^erzen." 

(one nii^ht in which ^ felt that he will ne^er leave me 
I closed three lar^^e keyboards in my dream. 
I saw ashes still scattered of the one who played 
before me - I knew it was Joseph Bchwarz who had died 
and great sorrow invaded my heart) 

Indeed I had stopped practicing for lack of time and 

interest. V*ien I abandoned the piano in Paris I felt 

that under present circumstances my "career" was a 

hopeless enterprise, although ^ thought that perhaps I 

could go back to it one day. But now I ha<l an urge to 

give all my time to Antonio since we seem to need each 

other. Thus, after this dream 1 gave up ray rented piano, 

leaving music again, actually without regret since my 

happiness with 'Sitonio seemed to fulfill me, 

"Augenblicke gibt es so stlss, so unendlich sttss 
Wann man in '\igen sehen kann , ^o nichts als belle 

Liebe widerstrahlt 
Und man doch im 2weifel war. 
Dunkles Ilaar umschattet blaues Leuchten, 
Alles sieht so ehrlich aus und of fen. 
Man mttchte glauben er ist gut - er hftlt ganz still 

und sagt in seinem Bllck 
Was Worte niemals sagen k5nnen«'* 



o 



- 216 - 



(There are moments so swoet, endlessly sweet, 

when one sees into eyes where only love reflects - 

although one ha*- been in doubts. 

i>ark hair surrounds the blue e:lcw, everything seems 

so honest: and frank one would wish to believe 

he is good - he is very still but expresses in his 

looks what woxxl9 can never say.) 



As described earlier, war conditions had changed the 
character of Charlie's place considerably, obliglne: him 
to move to smaller premises and cut staff, '^-t first he 
had contemplated closing the business, but with the war 
taking a turn in 19^2 he began making wedding and hostess 
gowns with which we were successful and soon evening 
dresses started up again. Doing the "manager" ^ was 
stock and showroom girl as well as shipping clerk all 
in one. Marucha, the asthmatic girl ^harlie hired on 
the recommendation of my friend lzabel(the buyer from 
Havanna^ was now our patternmaker, a trade she learned 
which Charlie sponsored. Moreover, M-\rucha initiated 
friends from Cuba to come to us so the language in our 
place was mostly spajiish, rather beneficial for my 
practicing. 

As a ^ewish refugee having lived in Paris I quickly 
became popular among Charlie's customers as well as 
with the Cuban dressmakers. *e were like a large family 
although it was hard work for me, I loved being in the 
middle of it all. Many buyers thought thr^. if Charlie 
were to retire ^ would take over, an idea Charlie 
profoundly resented, although i only* wanted to make 
him happy# 



o 




to 
to 



r> 




- 217 - 



Eventually, when he said to need my savings 
(about SU.OOO) I turned the money over to him since 
I felt -t owed him ray life. 

It was Ik years now that I had lived uprooted with- 
out family in furnished rooms, forever searching 
emotional support. Though ^ntonio and Charlie wore 
the best friends ■'■ could wish for, I felt in constant 
tension to please both of them. Terror overwhelmed 
me when fixed appointments were not kept, throwing 
me into an abyss of depressions, 'Hie calenders of 
those years are filled with concerts, movies, invi- 
tations etc. but the diary i wrote shows a sorrow- 
ful existence. 

Although Antonio had now a legal status, he hated 
to study the way anthropology was taught cuid was 
still deeply worried about his future. Moreover, his 
sister wrote about his wife»s unfaithfulness, contem- 
plating divorce procedures, (She did) 



■O 



As regards my husband I must return to events during 
Vichy France when he had found a job in a hotel in 
Agadir (Morocco) after he was discharged from the army 
and wrote me to Join him. Of course it was impossible 
to think that ^ would be admitted to Morocco since I 
had no legal papers. Furthermore, leaving the States 



r 



ri 



- 218 - 



f> 



would moan that I might never succeed in returning. 
On the other hand -^ could not legalize my status 
in the ^tates since immigrating; without the spouse 
was against the law, thus forcing me to live from 
day to day. My husband's job ended anyway when 
Americans landed in Casablance and the Nazis in- 
terned him. One day I had the visit of a stranger 
who advised me to warn my husband since they plotted 
to murder him as a collaborator, .,.. . 
Later my husband wrote to ask for a divorce for 
which I did not bl.\me him since it was more than 
six years ago that we had seen each other and 
already then wo felt like str.ingers. ^iowever, this 
letter gave my lawyer the opportunity to apply for 
my first papers and so in 19^8 - seven years after 
Charlie smuggled me illegally into this country I 
went to Cajiada to reenter as a legal immigrant 
entitling me to receive my first papers. 
Close relatives of my husbimd lived in Montreal whom 
I visited at this occasion. They were refugees like 
me, vlived in a beautiful house, rather different from 
my family. It felt like a relief when they bombarded 
me with questions which I was only too happy to 
answer. When i told them about the savings ^ 
returned to Charlie they had a f i t and insisted 
that I get the money back from him, However, rather 
anxious of losing Charlie I asked their advice 



f> 




nr 



- 219 - 



how to go about it, which they were only too glad 
to supply. Their opinion differed f^reatly from my 
own but, comforted by their attitude ^ did succeed 
eventually in getting this money back from Charlie. 
With my salary and .Vn tonic's scholarship we had a 
modest existence in New ^ork. But the money of the 
scholarship was dwindlinfj and that beautiful relation- 
ship with Charlie never returned. 

Some time in that year a bachelor with a piano moved 
right below us which 1 resented, but my landlady 
claimed that he paid a higher rent them me. ^^is 
amateurish jazz playing was hard to tolerate yet his 
eagerness to learn claasicftl music led him to approach 
me for piano lessons. Since 1 was in need of money I 
accepted this task and became friendly, ^e had an 
important job with a good salary, a chain smoker, who 
thought that he might prolong his life by making music. 
However, it took only a few more years when he died 

of lung crmcer. 

Similar t6 my connection with Joseph Schwarz dic- 
tating me his Back transcription, the loose relation- 
ship with this mam had little meaning for me, yet 
it reconnected me with the past. 



r> 



- 220 - 



It was 19^*9 - Life appeared "settled" with the war over 
and ^ succeeded in having my "First Papers" which meant the 
freedom to travel, to work md to remain in the States. 
HavinfT learned to speak, read and write a fluent ^rench, 
a relatively {^ood i^nglish and .some Portu^^ese (besides my 
mother tonfTuo) I planned to study some Hebrew since my 
sister's family lived in Israel, 

My job made me feel independent, believing that I could 
find a similar job any time should ^ ever have to leave 
^harlie, i'his was an illusion. However, at this point I 
looked into the future witti optimism, althou<?:h a bit 
uneasy about the stability of my relationships to Charlie 
as well as to -'^ntonio. 

When Charlie had proposal {jettin^^ a divorce to marry me 
some time earlier, I knew ^ could not cope with it since 
for me he was a father figure, ^n the other hand yVntonio's 
eunbition was to remain in the "^tates, which my lawyer 
labelled as "hopeless". Besides, Antonio' u values, his 
desire to have a house and a car wore irrelevant to me. 
My divorce proceedings were at a snail's pace since all 
documents required official translations. 
Deing t^rofonndly attached to both men, 1 wrote in my 
diary: "I must have patience and time to find an answer for 
mv new (luestions in this life." VThat did I want? 
Thinking of my mother's philosophy th-,t life only made 
sense by helping others, 1 felt justified with my present 



« 



- 221 - 



lifestyle, but hoped to live in Hirope acaln - perhaps 

as a buyer for *^h rlie or someone like him. America seemed 

rude with its particularly unpleasant architecture, the dirty 



subw ly, the laclc of trees and flowers in streets etc. Ch^ 



rm 



and romance were absent. My marria^^e tnd music iiad vanished, 
but my mother's frequent letters with her ^reat love and 
unders tanr'.inf^, '^tonic's prof'»und dedication and my popvu- 
larity at Charlie's factory overcame the uncertain future 
with the threat of old i^to* 

My present preoccupation wis vrheumi tic pain in my left 
upper thi(;h which -^ could tolerriLe with aspirin, then my 
mother mailed me money' for my birthday in May we used it for 
a trip to New Orle£ins, In a sleeping car we went to i>t. Au- 
gustine and continued by bus stopping in various places. 
In Now Orleans we were in a pretty hotel with a fountain 
in the courtyard surrounded witri pink mimosa trees. i\nd then 
we had a cott'fre noar the sea in lUloxi with beautiful 
{gardens cverywiiere but felt disippointed in our expectations 
since we thouG^lt of finding so;.iethin/T lik<= the Cote d' Azure. 
NO - i t was not like ICurope... 

We also worried about -^n tonic's hopeless future an-i my 
physical pain. In the fall J- re/^s tared to learn some 
^^ebrew but cuuld hardly concentrate. Finally -^ wont to my 
doctor who snnt me to a gynaecoloffis t but neither had a 
clear diar,nosis. In Boston 1 consulted my husband's cousin 
who was a neurologist, but it was in vain as well. Since 
the ^gynaecologist claimed that -*■ had some fibroids ray 
doctor thought that these fibroids might be pressing on 
the sciatic nerves causing this pain. 



ft 






'O 






1^ 



- 222 - 

Thus, on New Year's day in 1950 I entered Mt. ^inai 
Hospital v/hich was actually the be^^innin^? of a complete 
trans fonnati on of my life in which "^ was {;oin{i: to lose 
Charlie, all niy savinf^s and suffer a drastic shift in my 
relationship to '^ntonio. It was a gruesome period in 
my life. 

The operation was not a compl icated one but during^ the 
recovery period I had a brush with death, as -^ learned 
when my speciaJ night nurse stated with an alarmed 
expression on her face that t was "almost pone" and that 
she just caught me in time, Dut ^ felt fine until medi- 
cation was reduced and the pain which now felt like a 
metal ball under my knee - was back. 

The f^ynaecologis t , convinced it was connected with the 
spine sent me an orthopedist wlio suggested that "^ wear a 
tight corset. ITie reaction to the corset was a feeling 
of sheer torture anfl impulsively ^ decided not to wear it, 
rather to cope with my affliction. 

My relatives, who had mailed me $200.- to pay for my 
special nurses, now came to pick me up to live with them 
for a while, ^t, deprived of my usual life with Antonio 
and the growing pain, ^ had them take me home after a few 
days. My doctor, who fortunately supplied me with pain- 
killers, recommended that J- return to the ortiopaedist 
who treated me by injecting some fluid into the spine* 
This ^ tolerated a few timo^under tremendous stress, but 
it did not improve my condition. He then recommended a 
neurologist who suggested a milogram. 



f^ 



- 223 - 



However, sinre this required a few days at the hospital 
the orthopaedist thought a stay with my mother in Leeds 
would be preferable since ^ was in poor shape, 
H'hilo preparing my trip 1 continued working at Charlie's 
factory, gave piano lessons to my neighbor and studied 
iiebrow. •:>uddenly an attack of fever with large streaks of 
pus in my throat brought me to another specialist who told 
me to have my tonsils out. Hius , t iree months after my 
operation ^ entered a different hospital where the proce- 
dure ended with an unexpected hemorrhage, ^ij^e a fountain 
my throat sputtered blood almost blinding the physician's 
glasses an(J coloring the white sheet entirely red. I!e was 
alone, running out of cotton pa«ls while the anas the tic 
wore off, out finished the job. I had lost six pounds in 
one day and was unable to speiik for a w«»ek, 
In March 1950 it was four years th;«t '^ntonio and I had 
lived together, so a trip to feuropo presented our first 
separation. *^owevor, the excitement was overriding every- 
thing else. Travelling not only with my luggage, but also 
with a large wooden bo.jrd on which "^ hnd to learn to sleep, 
I went by boat via Canada to Liverpool where my mother was 
to pick me up to go with her to Leeds. 

Although had seen my mother in Now York four years ago 
it was the first time that I s \w our luxurious apartment 
(remembered from nreslau> retiuced to my mother's place, 
^ut of four pianos we iiad, only one r.r aid was there and 
some furniture from our musio room, -'-nstead of R table wo 



.^y 



.■iiiigiiniiMiiM3iflai 



^A ^ o 



- 22k - 







o 



In front of my mother's house 



-t^AO 



'^m1 




f f 



- 22'5 - 



we ate at her precious lemon wood writinfj desk wtiere 
she had placed some curtainlike pieces covering: the 
shelve^ originally made for stationery, ^t was a sad 
sight. She still slept with my father's bathrobe under 
her bedsheet and wore the s.uiie clothes, 
■^t niust have been difficult for her to see me rather 
skinny, constantly takint^ pills, Uu t -^ was hap))y although 
frequently 1 aslcod myscl T how ^ can be so contented in 
spite of so much pain. Nevertheless, 1 blocked the pain 
with medication, awaitin/:^ a visit to a specialist in Oxford 
who was an acquaintance of my sister but when 1 saw him ^ 
was disappointed. 

The British Government had awarded him a medal for treating 
war veterans with si)ine problems, but in my case ho claimed 
that ■*" should le.trn to live with this condition and talked 
about the -^ndians training themselves ngtto feci anything 
while sticking Rails into their arms - which was no 
ct^risolation for me. he brought me back where "^ stayed 
in his car but di(i not accompany rue to the door, something 
my sister's father in law labelle<i as "utter rudeness." 
My sister arrived from Israel to be with us and was so 
happy being back in "urope that I found the strength to go 
to York's beautiful cathedral, iktrrogate .uid London. 
Later -^ flew to Geneva to join my friend ^^edi in Lausanne 
who had arr.uiged a room with a huge terrace overlooking the 
lake for a very low price. 

While in Lausanne I began to have violent attacks of 
diarrhea, fainting spells and frequently periods of 



In London 



o 



n 






o 



of paralysis. ^'Nevertheless , .tlniost daily ■*" went some- 
where to enjoy the unbelievable beauty of Switzerland 
my father loved so much. 

Suddenly cruel reality broke on my feelin^Ts of bein^ 
somewhat nearer to "eternity" in the presence of theae 
overpowering: mountains: Charlie cabled, "undergoinf: 
emer/Toncy operation, sugf^est you cut short your vacation," 
With the help of my relatives in ^^land I managed to be 
at ^harlie's bodside within 2k hours, TTie operation was 
successf 1 and Chirlie had a smooth recovery. Back in 
New ^ork I functioned in my former life as best I coul4« 
It was summer, 1 had enjoyed frreat happiness in iiXirope and 
now felt much better so I had no need to see a doctor. 
But when *^harlie returned to the office in September I 
consulted a physician, particularly so because the pains 
had returned and even rnaicin^^ love with "ntonio had become 
fin impossibility. 

In my need for warmth ^ bundled a heavy blcuiket around me 
whenever possible. I had a flcuinel sleeping ba^ but felt 
less pain sleeping? on a wooden ch.air against the wall in 
an outlandish position or by standin/r in the bnthroom leaning 
against the sink. Since Antonio was under pressvire to 
finish his Ph,i>. he often atterapte<l to stay in his own 
quarters to study, ^i t then, more often then not, he 
arriverl any time .\t night exclaiming: "SUUPRI SE- , " while we 
embraced each other crying together. Although all this 
happened more than thirty years ago "*" still hear iVntonio'a 



f> 



"r> 



- 22.? - 



desperdte woopin/: alono in our bed while ■*- tried to 
sleep stindin^r in thic bathroom, as a physician he 'rrust 
hive knovm how deithly ill "'' was without bein.^r able to 
help me nnd ^ could only srru^^/^le with these sometimes 
horri fyinR pains. 

^t then sudflenly !t was ^k a^,^4„- i never knew when it 
would hit me ;ani ha<l no control, '^t one point someone 
su^^'^ested a chiropractor which ^ followed up as well 
but with no resuis. "^n fict, "^ was wor^^ after each 
session and had to ab.u*idon the idea. 

The ^uban dressmakers, seeing my distress, blamed i t on 
the cold we;ither .tnd one oV tliem invited me to spend 
Christmas vacation at her home in Havana, an idea ^ 
embraced with enthusiasm, ^es, perha;>s warm weather is 
"the solution." 

But already the bus drive to the airport jumping: over 
potholes made me scream with pain, -'-n *^uba everybody 
was very nice, they even had a wooden board made for me 
to sleep on - yet -^ was in misery, -^omeone recommended 
t^olnc: to San Uie^^o de los Hanoa where they had special 
waters Icnown to heal, ^t before ^oin/^ there ^ consulted 
a r^hysician who had been recom'iended by one of the *-'ubans 
After ex iminin^ mo for almost an hour he dia^^^osed my 
pain as a possible t'lmor in the spinal cord proposing 
a milofjriun soiuethin^^ the neurologist from Mount ^inai 
wanted to do a year a^o. 
He thouf^ht that tiiis water wo^ld not make me worse, but 



© 



- 22? - 



had doubts whether it would help me. ^ decided to try it 
as lonr, iA3 ^ was there cilready, ^n New ^ear's eve ^ dressed 
up for the party in that pretty hotel, but fainted nnd 
missed it all» i'or hours -'- stood daily on the torrasse 
overlooking^ the beautiful /T'tr<len writinf^ in my new ca- 
lender : "^'Od is not a symbol of power over man but of man's 
powers, "(^. ^romm) l>iere was nothin;^ for me to do except 
to QO to trie baths, wliich did not relieve me. 
i^ow "^ was walkin^j with a stick, oTten cioubled up with 
pain, carefiilly avoiding: any uneveness on the /ground. 
-^Ithou^rh far away .Uitonio felt my (iis tress, wri tinf: me 
an urtjent" letter to come home, /it the airport in New ^ork 
I phoned an orthopaedist my /gynaecologist's secretary 
recom» ended, but needed to wait, a week to see him. ^ was 
in a shcimbles, at times screaming until the walls shook, 
when it fell like scissors cu^^ing through my spine. 
When -'- finally saw the orthopaedist ho declared that ■*■ 
was an fmier^ency case but would only take me on i f ^ could 
afford a private hospital room, With my insurance, and 
sure of Charlie's help, ^ agreed and the neurologist 
from the previous year made the milogram. 
■*■ had a ttimor the size of fi pigeon's ef!;(; between the 
fourth and the fifth column. 

Looking in the mirror after the milogr.im ^ hardly recognized 

I' 
myself with huge wild eyes and n strained face. he 

effect of the unbelievable painful procedure was . like a 



fi 






o 





lo 



- 22«| - 



thousand needles in the brain leavin*; me with prolonsued very 
fast breathing . .vntonio was there wi tn his books, left 
for lunch and returned. That ^ survived these trying: times 
"*■ owe to his Jove and care. 

And then oame the operation lasting? two and half hours, 
■^till numb from the anaesthetics the surf^eon oxcitedly 
tapped my shoulckcclaiminfT: "benign - you hear me - it was beni^ < 
I did not know whit bonifrn was, but from his voice I under- 
stood it was souiothinf^ fjood. 

Perhaps I should add that the neurologist charfjed me hardly 
anything; for the milo/rrain and the surgeon demanding 
S6,0()0.- reduced his fee to S2.5O0,- when ^ told him about 
the fate of my family unler the ^^azis. **oreover, when ^ left 
the hospital he arran^jod a nurse for mo for a reasonable 
price wlio lielped me in the morning: while 'Sitonio took over 
for the rest of the day. 

The orthopaedist from the previous year came to apolop^ize 
for his mistetke. ^f he would have accepted the nourolof^ist • a 
advice to make the milograni a year ago^ he would have Sfived 
me not only a lot of expenses but an entire year of agony. 
So I lived again - but everything was different now. 
In March, three months after my spinal o-^eration ^ began 
working again at Charlie's factory, ^o my surprise he had 
hired a woman for the showroom claiining that it iiad been 
entirely too much work for me so it would be easier now. 
However, it did not take me long to discover that ^harlie 
had iriven this person the privilege oV knowing t!ie safe 



o 






,© 






lr^ 



- :.'3© - 



combination md saw, that she hi<i recently rtepositod 
relatively larf^e snrns of money. -'■ t had a bitter taste 
to be Tuished into the factory and forbidding: me to be 
with the buyers -^ knew so well, 'Moreover, ^ noticed, 
that she lied to customers on the phone promising: them 
flelivery of clothes of which we did not even have the 
material, "hen "^ romindod her of this error she brushed 
me off. frequently she cnrue in rather Inte or dis- 
appenreti at any tim«* for hours, 

■^n fact she beh ived - and *^harlie tolertted - as if 

■^ could not believe my intuition and yet here it was; 
Charlie had replaced me with her. She was married, of 
Italian descent with two children, ;i bit plump, snappish, 
defi.mt and yet to some flittoring in an artificial way. 
I was stunned that ^harlie cotild fall for someone like 
that but at the s.une time ■*■ feared, that she was {^o±ng 
to "bury" liim. ('^he did) i knew that to disappoint 
customers meant losing their trust, and eventually they 
will not come back. 

That ^harlio did not see throuf^h this seemed unbelievable. 
Since I was in such emotional turmoil I was unable to 
clarify these fact to myself at the tine anri my working 
there bee ime a ni/ri^tmare. However, now as an older person, 
Charlie's behavior appenrs to me in a rather different 
perspective which ^ was too youn^^ to understand. 
After all, Charlie know of my relationship to Antonio 
and probably felt deeply hurt in his pride to have "lost" 
me after all he di<l for me. 



O 



■« 




- 23i - 







At the same time he was experienced enou^^h to know, 
that ;in excuberant and younf: person was no match for 
him unless -*■ woul<l marry tiim vvhich -^ refused to do. 
Thus, with the w r over aid now beinf: in his 70' s he 
permit t«jd himself the luxury of f^ettin/r another com- 
panion lor his showroom :md probably for other leisure 
hours. **orer)vor, he felt I roe to act this way, since t 
had been sick for a long time and lived with "ntonio. 
^n my present frane of mind -i- .Iso suspect that he felt 
rather revengeful .( '^To hell with her" as a motto) which 
brings me to one of my worst traumatic experience: 
Since Charlie never supplied me with cash ^ had saved 
dollar for doilar over a long time to buy him something 
special, which was a gold watch on a little chnin which 
he wanted. I'hus, with the first hundred dollars •** had 
together Vsome k^ yc.irs ago it was a lot of money) I 
bought him that watch fr >iii a fancy Fifth Avenue store 
which ho used to fondle with care. 

Now, about ten years Inter, -•- s«iddenly saw this woman 
with this watch hanging on her dress on which she had 
her own initials engraved. 1 paled .••••• and in one 
of the succeeding nights -^ dreamed of taking our cutters 
huge scissor to stab her for good. 
•^ knew then that "*" had to leive - 

Almost every njorning ^Vntonio t Id mc t :at ^ cried in my 
sleep, "how much you must )iRve loved this man." ^es, It 
was love but for me it Wcis much more than that, ho was 



ft 



■« 









my "raison d etre." ein^ so niiich older and loiowinff his 
business -'- had pledged myself to help this mm tin til the 
end. Many of his customers thouf^ht i.uid said) that if 
Charlie were to retire "^ would take over. 

That he would push me out of his life never occurred to me 
and "^ was profo ndly shocked to ha'V'e lost not only his 
affection but more than anything else, the realization 
that he no longer needed nor wanted me« 
*^owever, as 1 see it now, takin.T this woman initially 
was perhaps not directed against me, but selfishness. *^e 
was married but his life was in his showroom and he wanted 
company, ^nowin/: that 1 lived with 'hitonio he felt rejected 

and tried to erase his disappointment by simply replacing 
me. Por him "^ had been "a /url needing protection" while 
for me he was a "father" on whom "^ could rely for support. 
Thus, when he isJiew about my life with '^ntonio ^ ceased to 
be "his ^^irl". The bre.ik seemed inevitable since he re- 
sorted to innumerable insultin/j little /gestures to get rid 
of me coming? finally to the point of offering roe to pay 
for a trip to Israel if -^ were to leave. 

Antonio suggested that t take this opportunity, in view of 
my distress and the long illness. 

V,'hen 1 left Charlie s building the last time ''' remember 
being with one of our models, who envied me going to Israel. 
Mien ■*- expressed my feelings in co iparing it with going into 
a tunnel slio could not understand, of course, since she did 
not know the circ Distances . ^it a tunnel it was , lasting 



1© 



o 



lO 



- 233 - 

nicuiy yC'irs. ITiua, another life bef^an. 

While t.ikin»T inventory of my past-childhood in ^reslau 
with all the trimmincSt ^aris with a husband as an up- 
rooted rofiif^ee without direction except for having food 
and safety, ^irs , the concentration cainp, resulting 
In the exhiliratinfT experience of findingr a trustworthy 
man who achieved the feat of smu/r^linf? me into 'Viorica, 
the loving: years with '^tonio, the incredible pains 
and three operations and now thrown out by the very 
person 1 thought "^ could trust - ^ felt to be a rather 
old womcin. et, 1 had to f'jce a future however uncertain 




ANTONIO 



n 




^^,,.aV g^"^^y ^"^ ^«sic i^ 



-^^ 




noron ^hai 




BeREL/ flARIANfC. Ed.H. 



FiaDing safisfie6 the ^cienfific requircmcnfs 

an6 haoing comp(ie6 ix)ifFt ail requxremenf^ 

of ffte ^^li^Aam^ Ftas Seen elecfeS 












MEMBER 



offfxG 
Jnfernafionat (^octehj 

foe 
^Rusic in ^lc6idnG 



11.11.88 



i-yv 



Pa(( 



p. (/^-^ 



'^rcfti6ciif 




^«««« 



I 
I 
I 

I 



I nn <■ 



; - ' ; 



i 

a 
a 
a 



•>J 



S 



■"N 



n 



- 233 - 



T II K 



-J 



P I T T 



While still r(!CoverinA;- froiri yo irs of pain, throe 



operations and dru^TS tbo sei^arition fr 



oin 



har I ie 



addefl another iminonse sadness in niy J i To . In for tunatel y 



1 riovor realized that the en<ll 



os.s insults Charli 



daily hearted upon me wore not only meant to ''debase' 
but ilr.o to doinon.s tr 1 to his dis/^yiist about niy livin/r 
WL til '"'n tonio . 



me 



ii 



e felt youn/v when wo t;;ot in l'»ris enJoyin,T r.ooc] 



times to;:othor and, ifter- suoco -^s f^ul 1 y brin,':inr me to 



tie States, del. i jilted 



.•n V 



reactions while s lowin^r mo 



.Vmeric :. oinco he was niarrierl hie riid not conceive my 



u 



tter lonolines:i wliich led me to casual d-tin/: 



tranqnillizors .ind ilcoiiol, Witiiout a telephone and 
only i little AM rarlio in my T'lrnisho-! room T dreaded 
the Ion/: weeJcends and holidays bein^; alone with 



n 



othirj(T to do 



Many pooj)J o rcadin;: this mif;;ht qiiostion why 1 did 
not join a teini)! e wiiere I would ji.ive rr)tuid company 
sharing my Jot, ^^owover, this never occurred to me 
because psycholo,": Lc t 1 1 y -^ was not connected with 
Judaism. 



MMlMMMIIiMlllllMMI 



msuam 



^'h i 










-.v^-..-^" 




^..4 V 




f^ 



\{hen i met Antonio 



in 



19^6 









- 235" - 



Althoui^h my parents went to the temple on hi^h 
holidays, my father was convinced tiiat assimilation 
was the answer to an tisomi tism and never followed 
any .lowish rituals. 

My husband, al tlioiich Jewish, came from u slirvhtly 
antisomitic family, celobratina Onas with all its 
trimmin^^s, iiis father rather proud to have achieved 
boin.T in officer in the r,erTnan '^rmy during: '^'orld 
War I. fhus, while livin.T in Paris joining a lewish 
or/T >riizatd on was anat^lo^la to him. 

i^'Joreovcr, when i received my expulsion order in 
I'aris a vJewish rof\if7oe or/:aniza ti on refuse! my pleas 
by s lyin^ that they first had to take care of those 
wiio had icial [)apers • (L i t tie di<i they realize that I 
was in ^^reator dan^:er to be deported.) 
-'-n New York depoudcnt on *^harlie, a married mem and 
non-*^ew, -^ felt reluctant to ex osn myself to 
stran^jers who wo ild probably have no undors tandinf: for 
my problems. 

Thus, when I met .Vntonio in 19^6 "^ was intensely happy 
in endiniiT such a period I five years!) of isolation 
an<l loneliness, i^espite what he had done for me, it 
never occurrr>(I to mo tliat Charlie wo'ilfl be deeply 
offended that ^ woa 1 d talce a lover, ^ or my part, my 
feelin,':s v^orc thp same for him riespite mv relation- 
ship to -^Hi tonio , sinne 1 always saw in hiin a father 
fiiTiiro and not a lover. 



lO 



23C - 



Lackin.'T tiio nn<lors tarxli 



n 



n^' 



for his b#*lMvior, I hi \rned 



his infitu ttion for ^volyn, th(^ now showroom rrirl he 
had liirod. rod.iy i know th ^ t ho wanted to deny his 



age 



nie 



\ik1 edgcr to demons tr.i te his ability to replac 



^ittlo did ho foresee that this 



wo:n in ' s lies t 



o 



ui 



customers, horimhiiity to speak Sp vnish to our Cub; 
dressm.dvers , her inefficiency cuid selfishness would 
brin,': iiiin no luck, 

*^vent'ially lie went b.inJcrupt .ind dievl poor in *'*orth 
Carolina whore iio was forced to live with his wife's 
f.'unily, who ho hated. 

Compounded with my dosiivir about Charlie there were 
chnn,TCs in my relationship with '^ntonio which were 
distiirbin^^. .Vn tonic's usual t*^»nderne3s had disappeared 
for whicJi -^ had no oxpl -nation except that perhaps my 
lon^; illness 1. ad soiik' tiiin,': to do with it. Oblifjod to 
resist .Vntonio's advances during: years of nain we now 
lived to.^e ther 1 ilio siblings but his lack of desire 
flis tressed me witliout knowing? a solution. 
Before leavin,: Ttow York 1 wrote in mv diarv: 



Zu dern dor u bist 



or seinon N men nicht 



gibt, zu dem der leitet, e:ibt und nimmt 



fdhre r.iich aiif den 



Oil 



luf rlass icli ndtzlich 



bin, ftVr den der mich braucht 



II 






(To the "one" who exists, who does not f^ive 



his name, to t^ie 



one 



who le-ids 



» 1, 



ives and 



takes - ^:uide mo to the way \/herc -^ cotild be 
usQful for the one who n- eds me.) 



iMiiMiiiiiiliiiif 



- 231 - 



These wortiS-so intensely felt th t I wrote thoin 
in my diary wt^rc the resii t of my idealization t( 
h.ive TiiJed to be 'isefnl to nnyone. 



Since ^harlie forced rie loaliinf^ my job v/i t 



n a 



proposcil for a trip to see my sister in Israel 

Vfor which ho woiil<i pay to r,ct rid of rne) I felt 

r a tiler uneasy about iry future without him, although 

1 was excited .ibout ,';oinf^ to Israel • 

iiowever, loivint; ''*'ntonio alone preoccupied r:ic, but 

I lioped tiat '>erl\a'vs i separation mi.'^ht re-est d)lish 

our for.aer re 1 a tionshij), 

TJie plan for the trip was tt) follow Antonio's 

su/jj/^e; tion im ikin^'; a stopover wi t)i liis sister who 

lived with her weaJ thy linsb md iiid tlit.vlr cliildrcn 

in a mansion in hisbon. ^>'nce "iitonio's sister con- 

finncd iicr wi J 1 inr^ness to receive Vfir* , I intVjmed 



m 



V sister s father in law that we could meet 



knowin-r tuat lie would be there at this titne. ^ 



n 



re[>ly he cabled :" l>ont r.^ tc^ that cotton merchant, 
you can st i\' with us,' ihis was unusua] for him, 
not only to cable, but to warn me of '')roble!".s ahead 
•Vntonio iuicw of a is brother in law's had reputation 
but thoUi":ht it. would not affect my visit, -'- felt 
that uitonio w.uited trie to be with his sister an<l 



- -ot - 



(^ 



- 2JJJ - 



w 



ns interested that I sho'ild make ^ list of books 




in Lisbon 




nnd silverware lie inherited from his parents 



Vs 



it happened my sister's father in law was jvistified 
wi til his advice. 1 felt on t of place eit Vntonio's 
sistor sinre wo differed in ill respects and they 
had not the sii/rhtost understanding: for my situation 
So 1 l(?ft sooner tiian 1 expected, 

.Vntonio's sister wrote that sl;e did not find me a 
sait.\ble companion for him, which quite disappointed 



him 



I ex{)ected her to wri to such 



lo t. tor 



ind felt 



sorry for '"ntonio. Somehow she ditl not realize that 
I had suj)ported Antonio for years uid that without my 
help he would never have made his h.i>. at Coltunbia 
Un I versi ty • 

Her sliurt cableti and ten dollars for his birthdays 
were an insult and 'Vi tonic suffered with her coldness 
- but then she was all he had as a family. 



After 



sT>endin<* a few dtys in 



''rreece 



1 



arrived in 



Israel. While 1 h kI seen my sister two years a/^o 

in "^n/:land, now we were to/;ether in Israel, the first 



time for me, and an overwiie 1 rii I n^: ex!>erLenco 



Since scho 



lolfl'vs 1 felt belittled V)ein^ Jewish 



nd 



thre 'toned by the Nazis, left home. Jlion I was looked 
down as an unwcuited alien in I'rance anrl , boin/; without 
le^val donnments, likewise in the -^tates. 



uo - 





- 24t - 




My sister with her 
husbmd at a reception 




Al thou/!:li I wfis familiar with the "niir.icJc" of 
Isr.'iol thriuit'^li pictures, seein.'^: it ,':avo me a 
fon-.erl y nn]cno\/ri pri^ie, oxvr'r I oncirif; an iminonsG 
satisfaction in wh 1 1 was perhaps "^od's vlustice." 
Ho\^ever, since food ind rrruioy were scarce in those 
days, iny sister nioaneci witli the difficulties of 
nic'iJvinr: ends luoct. ^•evcr theJ ess , we had a niost 
wonderful time witlj invitations to cocktail and 
garden parties of i.lie various "^nbassies Uiuo to niy 
brother in Jaw s officiel i)ositi'»n,> roamin/r around 
the coujitry by car, soein,'; friends md relatives and 
pi lyin,' ci: viuber music, 

■'^11 this tempted me to remain in Tsriel, but 
Antonio's frequent letters and the need to lenrn 
Hebrew for a job, I'jave me the iinj)rossion that it 
would be too difficult for me. -'-t was not only 
Antonio v/ho drew iiic b:ck to Now Yorlc, btit the benefits 
of th(^ uneiiiployrnen t insur ince, my familiarity with 
Now York .-nd spoalvinr: n^^lish, ^^nxiety about my 
uncertain future weir:hed henviJy on i;iy mind, 1 was 
constantly trying to m.-dvo connections with manu- 
f ictnrers to supply wie wit i colJections of samnlos 
for sale in New Vorlc, *nd ea/rerly cntttnr. advice from 
friends • 

\fter three months "*" left Israel \.n(\ went to friends 



My sister's three children 



o J 



'4X - 



in Lioch tons tein .lul then flew to my mother in 
H^prlmid, Throu,";h relatives in London ^ met '">>rthur, 
the presifiont of .i pen arui innicil manufacturer who 
su.'wrosted to do market research ior him, but the 
pay was a f)i 1 1 mce . ^ - 300. - ye ir 1 y ) llowovor, it was 
an imoressive title rivin.'^ me the illusion leaHinfT 
to r.oiro thi n/: bn(:t<»r. 

Antonio expressed his disappointment that, after 
five months of tr ivol 1 iti,'^ nnd bein,': v/i th all kinds 
of poo[>le 1 h d f'ouna ?iothin/T else. 

MirJcot rose irch for ""-rtijur nioant ,Toinf: to depart- 
ment md stitionary stores, buyin;: '"^nd mailin,': 
him Llio entire linn of ('(junta in pens md uer^cils 
in tlio market at the tinie. ^ was to watch for 
novelties whicli a J. so led me to tiie -ublic library 
roadin/: f^rofossiona] journals and wri tin,'^ ro-orts, 
TiiroUfTh a friend 1 obtained ri v'lid li) and was 
abJ e to visit tr-alo shows. Hut it also nioant making: 
out bills on i.iy own [)rinted station iry, packa.^ini'; , 
kee[)inf: trick of ex:)cnsos etc. -^ t wis the time when 
the first billpen came out, so -^ was credited for 
a ,'Tood start, 

^d thou/:h th<? pay was next to nothin,'-; i w.is {jl ad 
to have t lis , since it was precisely in those 
emotionally •Irainin.'^ yeirs tiiat "*■ found n certain 
s'l ti s ( ac tion in such activities. 




r. 




- :?^H - 



Occ IS ion lily \rtlitjr came to New Vork invi tin{^ 



me 



to dinners in oxpensivo rest lurants 



Iways trvin^T 



to help lie v/i Lh .idvicc and ^jivinr; me a (rood time. 
Son his brother, a tny balloon tu in»i f ic turer Joined 
my service and there was also a distant relative 
in ^»^u.stralia who was interested in "blister 



pack i/^in/; 



Thus, my froeianct* activities kept me 



busy, v;hi«h was s titnul a tin/'^. 

Convinced of Charlie's ne/T-'Ative attitude 



lid 



not attei.ipt to ^:ot in touch with him and, on my 
return from Israel , applied directly to the un- 
enipln yi.ien t a^^cncy cuid studied the -^'imes adver- 



tisin;: section 



ince 



had worked with Charlie in 



the showroom .aid was farniliar with certain isnects 
of m uiuf ac turin^ -^ exi^ectod to -find a larrro selection 
of positions, i^u t -^ ended up with a succession of 
short-term uns i ti s fao tory jobs. 



The fol lowin, 



r in 1953f Antonio thou/^ht of 



DR 



'"''i'O.UO J. ij^ 



WE'" ^^mcri DEv 



J^-^-^ yi>RRr.l 



i/! 



JJI.O 



}v,v;,-rj'p^: 



< 1.11 i 



'P '"' r>L' 



liOAD 



CAS'l 



^".EPcICA'S ?' 



'■' ^^^'- VOiC'J 






UD, 



llA T'VU) 






workin,'^ in psychiatry 



an Idea 



which rrow out of 



his 



CO 



nnection with the famous an thropolo^jis t 



Margaret Mead, 'h/ coln'^idence my husbanfi's cousin 



came to New ioric v^rio , for lorly 



nourol o^is t in 



Berlin, v/as now director of -\ -'iental Institution 



r 

-tudi, 






Yci^:: ^. 



D: 



o i 



^^f rlobo^trott 



^^onJo -J 



tal 
Po 



I rrj^earcl 



in.' 



^''^n him to t 



> t- 



nd r>r 



Pll 



'J-- cx- L 



v::i 



3.n '.nioric.in 



^j^roQ conti 
toners iic; 



rac 
ncn 



:•. c c 



an vhcr. ■: 



1-. - 



^•."> 



medicine 



Cic/OioTXT. 



.rir3 



o:"' Vhc V.-i 



■I . \^ 



Tu 



!clay{ 



.tTn'^^'^^-^-^o-.-r-i 



-ici 



•^ 20:15 Lis 



be 



r»ri 



M> 



F 



On tho 



iimc) 



^- V. c, .^ V, 



v;e 



t, 



and ACTII in '* ' '* 



and Ameri 



treatinr: 



c U3e 



<.; . » 



fo 



r voter 



can rehabilitat 



ri^cu^nntlc 



^'^ corMc 



Oil 



/^< 



:n3 



o • 



ion }ioc.o-'<-->i,^ 




near Dos ton 



ie was delifjhted to hiavc? ""Vitonio on 



1© 






i - 



© 



his staff but how he justified Antonio's position 
as .tn .tiien without workin^'T pennission, 1 «lont l:now, 
However , Jitonio wis h ip[>y with this opportuniy and 
i was f^l.ad that i could h-lf) him. 



But to move with hi i m 



:lid not f^el to have the 



stren/vth uo overcome more ol)S tides since ^ still 

dirl not act ny divorce, no .job and no iioney. 



'ovorthei ess 



w- 



met fretpiently v/i)ich was alwavs 



an event for both o. iis, but our daily Jif 
di f fi cul t. 



o was 



f> 



An ton i o -a J one in -« "en tal ^ 



nstitntion f\ill of misery 



r e s t r i c t i o n s , j)o o r 



( > O ( 



ro. icaes 



liiirl r I ts v/i th little 



s timul.! tion .uid poor py was no paradise 



And 



I n., 



am 



w -3 .ilonc tryin/T to re:;:aLn optimist, c 



desj^ite endless hours of hopelessness, 

liov/ever, ^ hcid my hiealth a/Tain, Antonio s love 

letters and :..y mother's concern, sofiie friends, 

occasionally a job besides worlcin/: for Arthur in 

ICn^jlcuid, -^ finally learned t.h.it an interview and 

a contract were mandatory for ill enoloynent 

a;';encies, r^.eedin/: a subscription of the Times 

ideli'/ered diily at 7:00 a.m.) an'i i: irncii a tol y 

clissif yin;3 those jobs where ^ woul'i h^ve to ^'^o , 

to c 1 1 1 ')r to wri to, 

1 (?nded up b(>in/T listed with 2iS a;:encles who never 



r.n 



t in touch wi th me 



but wi'.o 



coild call if thoy 



mtmmm 




- 2Ut - 



advertised. Althou-h ± spoke ^lirferent l.infru .':es, 
Cor a Job -^ was not sufficiently fluent in any of 
them, music - besides ,:ivin.': lessons to my noir;hbor 
had been forgotten Ion- a/;.), but havin.- worked with 
Charlie 1 tried to ^e t some thin/: in tho showroom 
or stocicroom. 

In June 193^ t ■'» wom m T oil Jed for a Job, t'llked 
me into *'boin,^ a m ma^er in tr linin;: Tor some very 
nice people who would jppreci'ito rrre.Jtly if T wore 
to consi<!er wori^in^; for them." 

hivinrr w mdorod .jronnd des!»er-i tol y for more thnn 
a vo ir, I consented to try. 

The p.iy wis bad: 73c ts -m liour, from 0-6, tho 
followin/: d. y fron 1-10 ^m .md every other Aveekend 
which was paid with time md a half, ilowover, they 
had a union, with the promise of better p.iy, medical 
care^incl dentist^ and a pension plan, ^hey were 
orthodox Jews, closing: ^riday on -^hal^bath time raid 
remained closed all Jewish holidiys. ihcy had a 
factory in Brooklyn and 73 pretty stores In "ew Vork 
all immacul iteiy clean .md air eonditioned. 
It was Barton's *"mdy with 1 20O employees and a 
ten million dollar yearly sales, J- 1 was not somo- 
thin,': i expected but it was a Job, while 1 wr^s 
looking for another. Moreover, -^ found new friends 
'•nd tho sciiodile pf^rmitted me to rontinue workin/^ 
for i^nr:land presentin,: an additional income. The 



- 2h} - 



A 



job Kie.uit iTi.ikin;: adjustments of which tl 



lo worst, w'ls 



dcalin/v with tho retail trade. Having been tho 
victim of probJ etus md tra.'^odies (hirin,"- the war 



noodod a ,:re;'t deal of pitience for Lhos 



wao 



could not tlccidc wnich ten cent bal; they would 
like to eat at tlitt irionient, Nevertheless, -^ adjusted 
/rradu.iliy, perli ps because Antonio continued 



t o 1 J i n ,T 



coiir »mn, 



;e, that this is only i truisition 
: ine Lo thirjk of the future. 



en- 



./ith about '"^'i^.- weekly i <leriderl on throe wishes 
n furcoat, visit niy mother in '"n/:! and an'l a piino 



J. 



t took sGV(ui ye irs to accoiiii'l i sh t^us 



Moreover, wi (:h th(; i(imL.ssi<»n is a student 



I L 



Teachors "^ollcf^e, ^olumbia riiversity \/ith 69 points 
credit for "life exy)erience , i wis on the I'o.'iri 



for another future 



«. '> 



i-\ 



% 



„ ■» 



ii 



% - 




i 

■I 




- 250 - 



THE 



SEVEN 



YEARS 



It was not love for music but Intolerable loneliness 

motivating me to consider playing the piano again. 

I also remembered my dream of closing three keyboards 

feeling that happiness with Antonio could only be 

achieved by giving all of myself. 

Another thought was the possibility of supplementing 

my meager income by giving piano lessons. Moreover, 

I wanted to see my mother and get a furcoat. 

Being cut off from Charlie and Antonio by moving to Boston 

scared me, but when I had three raises in six months 

(although it was no more than a nickel an hour) I felt 

more optimistic. 

The people working at Barton's were an extraordinary 

mixture of nationalities and mentalities. Since Barton 

had the stigma of using unskilled labor, many workers 

provided lonr, stories (or excuses) why they had to work 

there. Although most of us were only too happy to have 

a job, yet we felt humilitated. 

Having thoroughly learned a trade by working in Charlie's 

factory and now being "reduced" to a salesgirl in a 

candy store was particularly distressing to me. 

* 

Moreover, I felt rather disturbed about not having found 
something more suitable for my future although Antonio 
constantly reminded me of my past successes insisting 
that Barton's was only a transient situation* 




J 



- 251 - 



The ov/iiorri of li rton .s \ir.Te rcPn.^oe.s rri»»ti Vidin.i who 

caiio to . w Voric in l'»;3H, Micii* succt^sii he ..m hy m »kinf^ 

coil t i t!on t 1 1 style? cMocolates in Lhiiir kltchon in 

Brooklyn ». licli tho I.ti i ly -dIiI to st«>rt»s. ''ijwevt^r, in 

19!3'l v/h(in ' st.irtod \.'orkin/:, thoy Ii .d their own Pactorv. 

Hy \;or'.in.^ ovortiine (at times het\v.'on . > jiil 6^' honrs 

Hcekiyy ' lot'ie tiiMGH h»^l|»d f lo \/ i n^lowdro ^icr , 1 -^ uUn^^ 

evontnally of !ii-.!;in^ •.in !>ws hy mysoir which piifl an 

adfi i t i. ii;.l 1.7 , - , 

.\rtlin r ' ::> Ivico ».<> .s ivo Lhn s I irs' Tor *h>in' i:iit'kct 

reso:«ic^ I <? -.' I t;*" I 111 i>.i y i o/Tt >!:•' stoci; thirju-^n my 

I'^ ; : 1 i s 1 1 n ! c 1 o • 

Often I Ih >u,'.hr that; i pj .« y v;rj .",ii t »\'oii 1 I h tvo round 

?un[*le l.>.icl: '.ro'in I for » co«:io«ly it lartmi'M: 

the vMiietv' t) i' stores in .so u iriy 'lirforenl. ii»* i ,':hborhoods ; 

tho ' hy.s Loric^i 1 ' oryin,". of win.i. ti /hon told to inovo to 

anoi.hf^i' .->(.t)i'(;, sin(:<- they fc* 1 t at homo in thoii' previous 

stoi'i.-; t.ii) sliocks \/iioii ..'e for"/ i lov.'ojvLn^j tho M/ninT 

and th:; s ui i lo I tin;: t>or c -nl\- in Dio '.indow; t.h«: ,':i rl s 

.sv/oei)in'. Lne street; i nid.'^i^.in P'yinc itcJplossly in 

the \.'iii.!<> / v'isi^l a ' ,'■. itlioi'If!;: the Hroi Iwnv crowd on a 

Sundtv iftt^rnoon; t':0 'irmsiial .Shd)hith closin/" of 

73 .torois; I dor, wit diarriiei wil'vin,-: tlironrh the 

on t i r(i I on;vth of tho •.tiiro on lat'U'd.iv- ovonin;;; v/h^n the 

cle n I n ; hoy ws /:one; th« i/ .ny iiol lU^ . , tlio |iolLco.,« 

n 1 ] this i/.in 1 d • i > v. e o I i o i ted . nch i n •..• r<' . t i '* it v'oro 

proro.isioii .1 'y \/rittoii tor diow. 



J 






52 - 



w 



- 253 - 



sy <l 

V :..tJ .N;) <:m i> 
. TN 

W(. it-c (; i VC'<1 

aftor '3 ye rs 
o f* st-rv i c fi 



^ 



Once I was locked with another ^irl into a tiny 
toilet after a fellow forced me to open the safe 

while sticking a knife in my back and then we 

had to wait (l do not remember how long..) before 
someone would discover us. 

One day we had a meeting when the owner announced a 
new idea with great excitement: a chocolate greeting 
card I While emphasizing that he accomplished 
"his dream" by having 1200 employees and a ten 
million dollar business, he added that we contributed 
to his success. Thus, for our loyalty he wanted to 
give us a special present. But since he had to multiply 
it by twelf hundred he could not give us as much as 
he would have liked, so he thought of a silver dollar. 
While stressing it as a symbol, he implored us not to 
spend but save it with his wish for good luck. 
The short man carried a large sack of coins around 
the hall so we could pick our own individually. 
Since the majority felt one dollar to be an insult 
I heard no one saying "thank you" but I took and kept 
it as a sign for a better future - and so it was. 
Despite my feelings of degradation, I repeatedly had 
the strange impression of a "home coming," Perhaps 
because it was the first time that I worked for Jews, 
with Jews smd the continuous presence of Jewish laws: 



; 



wl 



- 2^k - 



f>- 



The strictness of closing on time for Shabbath, 
the celebration of Jewish holidays (which I never 
observed) the koscher merchandi 



se with their b 



oxes 



often decorated with the star of David, thei 



r strong 



belief in God, by coding their merchandise with 
"GOU HELP US." 

Thus, all working there had to keep these letters 
(or prayer) constantly in mind since we had to 
watch the freshness of our candy. Particularly 
pleasant was the owner's trust in us since there 
was no supervisor. *-'nce in a while someone would 
appear "to make the register" or make sugf^es tions 
for display. We had to punch the clock and watch 
each other with the usual fights, ^t the schedule 



was adjusted so that few of us were 



steadily together 



and, if the si tuation wer 



e to become intolerable we 



had the chance to ask for transfer. The manager was 
responsible for the inventory and the ordering, the 
others for cleaning, display and selling, but more 
or less we ail shared in what we had to do. 



♦#*♦»»»»»# 



- 255 - 



Suridenly someone offered Antonio a Job in Argentina 
which delighted him since this seemed tov^ solution 
for his perennial nightmare: escaping the FBI's perse- 
cution to leave the United ^tates. 

Although initially he was able to change his visitor 
into a student visa, it expired by achieving his Ph.D. 
Giving speeches about "GOOD HR/VLTH" on "Voice of .\jnerica" 
and now working in a Mental institution made the J^mmi- 
gration Department somewhat lenient, nevertheless 
Antonio continued having profound anxieties about 
being expelled, which would oblige him to return 
to his job in the Afi^ican Djungle, 

Although i was soon to become a citizen, -^ did not 
have my divorce while "Vitonio got his divorce more 
than a year ago. 

It was Xmas time in 195^ when Xntonio returned from 
Boston, since he accepted another job in "orcester. 
For ^ew ^ear's evening we were invited to Lucilena, 
a former friend of ^r. *^a3 trovie jo , Antonio had met 
previously, -^he was an /Xnierican citizen (formerly 
from ^lexico) a beautiful and elegantly dressed 
woman, but with a rather doubtful reputation. 
J-t was a pleasant party but, being profoundly 
disturbed about "^ntonio's plan to leave for Argentina, 
I retired to another room to relieve my sadness in 
abandoned weeping which ^tonio could not share. 



o 



O 



i. s(J 



vi though our reiitionship chn n/^efl since my sick- 
s, lie w ! ; the m vn with whom i sh irod ei^^ht year: 



nes 



of tho iiiosl. intiiiMic bond 1 have ever kno\/n .in«l to 
whom i sti'1 felt nlo.se des;.ito our di rforcijces . 



iVnt')nio, krvwin';: th.vt niy brother in lav/ was 1 



n New- 



York and li a si {p.if leant postion in policies 



f^otisnltod iiiiri about .''oin'r t 



o 



'r/^:entina wfiich h 



e 



thf)U.":ht not to be a frood idea 



^''evoi'thelons , Vntonio's fear of boin": expelled 
firovo him finally 'nto such a panic tViat he sudflnnl 
<lo(:i lerl to • irrv lucLleni wliich providofl him with 



wi t;)i Ajfjcri 



«;. I. "I 



ci ti •.cnshi p 



Hi i ; ho cor- unicato'-l to kio over a 1 onr: distance 
phone call, ^'ortun.' tel y i h »fl the visit of a friend 



obi i :in;: ni" to control myself. *ie was a cl 



ever man 



PcolinfT in ''Ltivelv tliat this phone call must have 
seriously inrt ino, especial] y since 'Vntonio irnine - 



di -' < <»ly ca I 



o« 



bad several times to wiiich 1 rlid 



not i-espond, -^n re ction to niy silence Antonio 
wror.(» the to lowin,, letter from his new job in 
Worcester: ' trarisl ted) 



A\ 



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\i^orce.ster, "'cc. 1/1055 



•• i 



ariannc 



ly DarJin,^ 

Your :?iIonct? on the telcphon(? left inc i 
state of onxinty overwhelming: mc i 
1 nnv«T irna.'riiied. 



n a 



n IX iiimner 



st helovod tiarli 



.'iv mo 

riiis nn tiro tra/Todv 



n 



was t te result of mv 



state 



of mini and ill hapnenel in i fri^nzy like 
an iinexMccte«l c-i tas trophy , 



n 



ho 



f» 



1 ist weeks i rotlized tlio irrational i- 



hies 0' niv -lo^n/^s, ^iiCfcrinr, atrociousl 



-- althoi/'h useless -- f.»ol L 



n. 



isol itofl and . hand o nod -- 



coinnl ctcly 



exporioncinifT a 



rorrninil.lc par ic which threw mc bliiirlly int 



o 



thi s nd v'on tiir*' 



L 



1 r 



'• r 



J said, 1 sun>r for iiiysel f anrl 



for von 



lat ' fOd lias pitv for 



HI 



o and tor you 



iiid hi- will bo satisfied, 
««y he.»l whirls with crazy ideas and I 'o not 
even I' vo the coar i/^e to work nor to taink. 
Throe imjopIo will be heartbroken, you, niyseir 
'uid she, 

Mien yo'i ciIIcmI 1 »st n i .-^h t (siio w';s tlicro) I 
felt piralyzod thit 1 could not talk to you 
as I would have liked. Porlay ^ sii.dl Iry to 
call you from i InbJic ihono. 1 feel crushed 
to th.' '^xtent that i dont even fin^l the v;ord.s 
to express myseir - which scorns like a CGirica- 
turo o • iny reclin,';s. 1 dont ovc know ho\/ to 



explain wiiat \ ipuoued to me, i f^rhans 



[ion tal 



«> t 



r.iti/nin — after so luanv ye \rs of studyin,'^ 

f 1 L f f 1 o ' t i f» s ' n <-* n X i o t i o s . 

^y sister is rithor upset and she thinks that 

•ly unexaecterl Mirrii/:e is ui e-ctronoly sorioiis 

risk. 



u 



ow on his to wait, mfl see iio • thin/'s will 



'level ' I 
o r us • 



You, ly d)r'in':, pr iv to f'.orl Tor hotli 
t is • vers' delic te si tin ti on. 



rho first p xcc: 01 .ntojiio' 1 . i. 



[)0 



vn t o u i o 



•f 



- 259 - 



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- 260- 



Every end constitutes another be^^inni 



ng" said 



Albert Schweitzer, but this beginning was a life 

I did not wish to live. Feeling to be in a complete 

void everything had lost its meaning, only mirroring 



my inaptitude to be of value to an 



yone 



Thus, -^ became careless about 



my apperance, lost 



weight, smoked and drank more while taking an end- 
less ajnount of tranquillizers. Although J- had a nice 
circle of friends 1 had lost interest. A streak of 



white hair had grown and with mv ski 



nny body and 



dilated eyes from pills ajid sadness, i was frequently 



the center of curiosity amon 



g my co-workers. Gradually 



I confided to one oT the other, but si 



nee my tragedy re- 



sembled their own, most were nice to me 



Later in another letter '^n t 



onio wrote 



Jan. 13/1956 



another drive 



n 



"My most beloved Uarling. 

It is true that 1 married 

by an irrational impulse - but if it is 

God's wish we still will be 'together.' 

A thousand thanks for your letter and the 

photos. My tears were falling when ■'- 

lool^ed at thiem. 

My arling you must always think that there 

is a man profoundly loving you who would give 

his life for you 

I feel you in my^most profound sotil. 
Certainly we will see each other acid ^ think 
that the idea of Hartford is a good one. 
I notice that you think of going to ^rope soon 
and hope to meet you before* I feel much 
better my arling. May God protect you always. 
With my eternal love 

Antonio 



I he next [> f^e of 



n I 



•tier* - 



1 n< 



• • • » 



J 



\J 



■waL 



- 261 - 



) 



Six months had passed when i suddenly noticed 
.Vntonio standing in front of the store where I 
worked, causing my mind going blank, 
, . . . "Go . . . you have a headache and dont worry..." 
my co-worker blurred out and so I joined him 
without saying much while we walked along i* i f th 
Avenue eventually sitting opposite each other in 
a restaurant with a bottle of wine between us. 
"^es" he admitted — "1 felt compelled to marry 
so I could remain in the States," begging me to 
understand that he continued to love me. 
While noticing my sloppy clothes he felt my 
despair, pleading with me to take care of myself, 
-Although profoundly troubled -*- had to realize 
that the years have changed us. 
When we first met we fitted together but now 
Antonio was a free man in good health with an 
MD and a Ph.D., while ^ was still married, had 
lost my well paying job and was stigmatized by 
a severe illness of which the consequences were 

not known. 

Some years ago ntoni3 bought me a gold wedding 

band from ^artier corisisting of three rings forming 

a rose, impyling three phases of relationships -- 

perhcips this was one of them* 



- 262 - 



ii> 



It was the spring of 1956 eind , since "^ntonio 
shared the expenses for my f\ircoat before he married, 
I had reached the first goal of my three wishes and 
could plan to see my mother in ^glsmd, 
Moreover, as recommended by my English uncle, I 
continued buying stocks which were paying interests 
and my salary as a market researcher doubled 
since Arthur recommended me to his twin brother 
manufacturing toy balloons. 

There was also a distant cousin from Australia 
visiting New ^ork,who retained my service to in- 
vestigate now machines for packaging with plastic. 
Another acquaintance from ^outh Africa wanted me 
to cut the advertising of certain dresses from 
the Times, since he was interested in women's 
f astiions • 

Antonio wrote frequently and mailed me some money 
at times which helped me to believe him that he 

still loved me, 

I 
Working so many hours at Barton s Candy in 

addition to my various part time Jobs ^ was never- 
theless hunting for a'^second hand ^teinway upright. 
^ would have preferred a grand, but that seemed to 
be beyond my possibilities. 






I 



- 263 - 



) 



Social life began to interest me a^ain but ^ felt 
old with my hair turning white and still thought of 
Antonio which prevented me from establishing closer 
relationships, ''or me life had come to an end, 
^^ome did not exist anymore, my marriage ended in 
divorce, my trust in Charlie shattered and now 
Antonio married someone else. 

Faced with these realities I looked for support from 
my mother and perhaps a more peaceful existence with 
music besides my jobs. *^ certain satisfaction derived 
by being successful in saving enough money to buy a 
piano, to have become an American citizen and restored 
my health. hus, in the summer of 195^ ^ went to my 
mother in Leeds and visited the other fcimily members 
in London • 

My mother agreed that playing the piano again might 
be a good idea but not prof essional 1 y , since T had 
lost too many years of training. *^ever theless , some 
people disagreed, particularly one cousin, (a lawyer) 
who stressed that J- could get money from the German 
Government , since "*" could not become a professional 
musician on account of the war. {le was ready to take 
my case but needed a certificate of attendance from 
a music school, ^^is was great news for me and, 
with the help of friends 1 succeeded and mailed 
it to him. 



mmam 



- 26^ « 



^ 



On my return to New York I alao followed my mother's 



wis . to c. 11 the son of her 



most beloved aiater Gretel 



who told i:io that his brother JuUii from Milwaukee was 
here, whom I had not seen in more th, 
Rememberin*; him as a particularly nice m n 



in twenty ye.irs 



was ea^jer 



to see him and so the next evenl 



nt^ we a 



11 



met 



We had a wonderful time to^^ether celebriti 



n, 



our survival 



of the war talking about 



VVll 



o is whoTf* and whit the 



y do 



Since i Just saw my iiiother, to re -connect with the 
family, felt particularly excitln 



t* • 



JulJu, now in.irried, with two .'trowri w,. chilctron, Invited 
me for next year's sum.nei vac .tion in 'Ulwavikee which 1 
was only too glad to -ccept. 



The sec<.n«l hnnd Steinway upri^^^ht 



fountl a few weeks 



1 ater 



or tlio then enonnou?^ su 



111 o 



:0,,0 



thf drtaler 



agreed to keep the [.idno in stora^^e lintil 1 found a 

suitable ipartment wliich took another ei^ht months of 

searchiin^;. 

Leaving: the pretty tree lined 12th street \/hore ^ lived 



for sixt«ion years was difficult. Th 



e i'rcnch hnlversity 



as well as Kifth Avenue were on the loft side 



nice 



church across the street and the N 



ew 



c ool of Social 



i< 



esearch at the othnr cntl of Die street. I missed the 
at:jio3{»hero of fireenwich Vi 1 : a^e with their attractl 



ve 



stores, coffee and riDvie houses 



Now -^ ] iv(ul on West 7^>th -'treet wh^^r -^ had to shop on 
^olnmbns ^vonue in the mi<lst of hoises I hi ted - 



■ •""« ' n i t i l i iM IMMWlgBWIIHi 



- 26^ - 



<J 



-y a u 



Jullu's daughter Rl t 



a 




v..^ 



JuMu wrote oftnn tlurin^T tho 



year romln-an.'^ me of 



rnv 



pr-)riii.se to Join hi.^ f mily in the s 
made ine feel ^:aoM. ihus, in July l'>37 



unmer, v/hich 
I went to "''ilwuikei 



Ills son was i/i collofjo but -his IS yf» ir oJd daughter 
i?it\ w a thore nd, t^ my surprise, »h • looked oxactly 



lik her '.raii'l no ther : mv mother's 



Ore Lei" wh 



o 



rcMTiembered so well fr 



most belovod sister 
1 my childhoodl 



rho ni ny ple-rtint hours we spent tO'^nthor ^jrew int( 
a 1 'Stinf^ fri'Mi ship. 



s i' h- wore mv f. ther, JmIIu -isk^d about 



:iy p 8 1 



t>re^«ent: nd Vwt re i f > o winch 1 truthfully answered 
that * Ion' U-nov. w at to rfo with myself now, Ince I 



w »s 



v/ 1 n f ! o ^y 



rn sor n rrjy Job at 'i .rton's Candy, I 



tJio ifjji t o r n rn In 



IS a profeMMl.iii in i school 



but 



WIS tui ertain w.iet jer thi 



was the rifrht choi 



ce 



To my deli^^ht Jul In proposed to {^o wit;h mo to a 

Voc tional <;uid n- e 'Jentor, 

Aft«?r filiint; out a iiestionaire 1 h.«d an intervi 



ew 



with -x rn n v/lio ii>olo^:izcd To. his y uthful 



appearance 



but assur- d mo h«? wis experienced ince h<» ha«l b 



oen 



i n til 



ua.r 



I'o riy ast nif^hnierit h<» rl imed thit ' h tvc a "proTounfl 
neurosis" ..u,.^oS tin/: music is i pr ♦^PSsLon! This felt 



liko '< bc»mhsh«'lJ, presniitin^ 



'n 



overwhelming task 



of how to (^o ibout it except perhaps — getti 

snm^? pr'ofe sional tr ining as a piano teachor. 



npT 



>w 



w 



I 



r 



- 267 - 



'! 




The youn/j: ^'^ustralian 



f'> 



However, from my experience £it home (in Breslau) I 
lacked the confidence that this would ^ve me sufficient 
income. Usually people paid for each lesson they had, 
but frequently cancelled. Still, since the fellow's 
statement at the Cruidance Center made a big impoessiori 
I considered fallowing his advice, 

Once back in New ^ork I phoned Boris, the son of Joseph 
Schwarz (mentioned previously) to ask him for a piano 
teacher. Being that he was chairman of the music de- 
partment at Queen 'a Oollegeyl thought that he might know 
someone. Although I was not a professionnl musician he 
recommended his friend Joseph who was specialized in 
coaching pro fessionals^ thinking th-it he could arrange 
an audition for me. 

To my amazement Joseph t lought me to be "very musical" 
and accepted me as his student under the condition t||at I 
have weekly lessons over a three month period. Although 
the charge was (for me") the enormous sum of S25.- an hour, 
I nevertheless decided "to invest in myself" as -^tonio 
used to say. 

Some weeks later a youn^ man approached me in front of 
our house offering his help t') carry my groceries while 
asking if 1 were the one playing the piano. He lived with 
his friend a floor below and said that they turned off 
their TV to hear me which was flattering. Soon we found 
common ground in our dislike for the landlady, and he 
invited me to their weekly "hate sessions." 



•fT" 



A 268 - 



They were Australi:uis work! 



ng ut the inited Nations 



Although rattier young :i close friendship developed between 



the three of u. 



■Seeing my loneliness they told me t 



come any time when 1 see light in their d 



oor which was 



particularly pleasant when 1 returned from Barton' 



on Saturday or ^unda 



y nights. Often they had company 



of other Australicuis who were most interested in heaiin^f 

about Europe during; the Hitler yeirs. 

However, in January 19 38 our landlady got the 

from the city for the project of upgrading: the West 



money 



to (ether came to an end 



r me but 



Side and our noighborly livin 
since we .ill had to mf)ve out. 
To find another apartment was a ni^'itm«re fo 

then my luck turned and 1 found the place where 

i still live. 

Although I liked playing the piano the expensi 



ve lessons 



witli Joseph did not seem to improve my performance 
and the idea of becoming a piano tenc'^er was not 
appeallin^?. ^n the contrary, old friis tra tions and 



uselessness invaded me again at times paralyzi 
efforts. 



ng my 



It was in the early Sprin/: when I hid lunch i 



n a 



crowded cafeteria sitting next to a white haired 



men 



reMding a paper on which I noticed the headU. 



ne 



If 



Music for Haxidicapped Children 



imir.edia tel V this 



i lea fascinated me and i asked him where I could 



- 269 - 



buy the paper to rend the <rticLc. kftar some lalk 
the in ♦n nust have sensed ray "stafpiation" and supplied 
me with the n ime and address o f an office where they 
roi^ht accept me as a volunteer in some musical capacity. 

The office was in the elegant 57th Street near 
Fifth 'venue where ^ had to fill out a questional re ind 
supply two references al>OMt ray -nusical btckgroand, 
Althou/:h -*■ had no exi^erience in any musical acitivlty 
i was .tdmitted ^nd assigned as r> voluntef»r at t!ie 
M.inhattan '^tate Mospital(a cental -institution) where I 
was immediately put in char^^je of the music department* 
ciince ^ only hid to play s..me records, t preferred t 
^;et sumething different from wh.;t they had at the 



o 



iJonnell Library 



The librarian suggested 



an opera wi th 



the story printed at the back of the album, i^elighted 

with this i)rosnect ^ took Carmen, an opera i knew well, 

Uiit since 1 never talke<i in i>ublic an»l was anxious to 

please, ^ wrote every f hi n^; down , and practiced alOU4,at 



hom 



e, obviou.sly it worv«»d ou^ since every week nore 



people '^ame t" my sonsion 



Moreover, so no wanted me to accompany their 



iingiing or ^rt piano l«*ssons, John 



studaot of my 



teacricr Jcsei'h, .;sked ni'^ one day if iie co Id play there 
since hf^ wj^ntcd to try out a pro ;.rani Tor his concert. 



/^ 



- 270 - 



r^ 



Ihe people vere <ieii(^hc«cl, sug^es tin/: th it 1 play 

two [imo pioces with .lf>hn. nother .stiuJent of .^osenh 



who special i /.ed in imy>r'^vis it i ma 



w;\s in teres tod 1 



n 



the react i)n .inionfT th(» inm itea rind also rnme 



a r«w times 



Uowever, tiie most as toundin/: experience 1 had 



w 1 *? wi th an eldei'lv v/o'iiari who had for^To tte 



n '>er name 



and did not- sf»e ik for- fifteen voir**, it was sn":f:ested 
th t ^ 3h<'\il ' ri V - her piano le ^sonn nd X w\s to^f! 



that sho lie! r,oinr. to church. ThnH 



/^Tve her sone 



easy B^ch rhor Is shilo .n^lvsln/r ^hr> r>olyphonic 
lines with the concl ssion of the "'mon" cadence, 

it took only few weeks wiien the psyrh<> 1 o^:! s t 

told nie t it t'lc woiT) 'n talked a{;ain m 
bere 1 her n ane, 



even roi''em- 



In iJecoinbor \ntonio returned from Georgia 
where he hid boon vMsi.'^t\nt professor hut did not 
like it and waiite«i fo find somethin.^ in New Vork's 



vicini tv 



L thoii/^h I still loved hiitijriiy interesta 



had shiftol nd ^ntonlo's marrin/Te h »rl left mo 
br'Jised, "e wore li pi»y that wetc?w^ he together af=:ain 
more freq-iontiv hut the fortuer intimacy did nnt return 

In fact in tliese last ye >rs 1 chpn^'^d 
to the '.oint of 1 1 ien • t In/r myself frnm the liarton 



O 



- 271 - 



.^ 



- 272 - 




r\y youriiP: AnstrnJi.ui frionds in 
thoir now nuar tinon t . 



/^ 



crew 



^-'oin, 



to .shows with 



rnv y')iing 



ustr.ilian friends 



m.isical tJ' thorin^'js with .Jose;>h'.s f;roii[i, playing the 
piano .\;^iin, working; in a >ientaJ -institution, my part 
tir.o jobs with Rn,:lish ni.inuf c turers and ape kin.'-T five 
I an^. la^os <;ener ted in -11 probability a lot of ,TOSsip. 
The fjiontility md ^^rowiii/; hostility .laion^:: sone of the 
women, re.^uitc: in ny accelAr ited search for ' school 
to l)ec<»mG I prwfossionol iiu<*iri m in one way or another 



One d .V 



I 8li 



pped from a ladder in the store 



br i .sin 



niv le,:s w'i h turn d thoiri a d ^rk blue, -^in-^e 



t>ie 



!()• tor tolfl mi 



o St y home L called t\\p. n-'nafT**r 



w^^o was not pie sed sinc»^ she h \ri to ilust th«^ s^'hedulo 



By coincidence I pirkod up the ohono imruod 1 » to 1 y ' f^ \i 



n 



;() '^r>)<. 



e :in other call 



when 



ncidentallv shi- did tn 



Srijne ana ^ overuoira 



r r«!^ort ;>b.)iit rr. e to th«- ot fice 



Aftor w(»rkin;'. there lor years snu accused mo of unoe- 



xievable wron;; aoinjis 



n< 



w.mtoa me to 



,ct rired 



Compelled bv niy anr.er, I overcame tnv previous 
reluct irice .ind called the Julli rd ochool of ^♦n.sic. 
There i (;o t jso;iieone on the phone who understoofi my 
problctn and advised ihh 1.0 ,:ot in toordi with the chiir- 



m 



an of the Music iJeparti.ien t at Teacher's Colle/^e 



Columbia University. Within less than a half hour T 
had an appointment with him. 



lO 




lo 



- 27J - 



liiM r^f ler pi 



eas.mt .ippear.ince md obvious interest 1 



n 



my previous nnsical triinin^ s 



eem to impress him causing 



profound satisfaction within myself 



Since 



certain imotint of educati 



on T^l'^yed » Al^rnlf leant 



role in our family I always felt ridiculed (or rebuffed) 



dtirin;^ the tinie i 1 ookofl for work in an 



unemploymen t 



mi or 



offi<-e. No one -^f^emofi to reco(piize the merit of my fo 
studios which wore so brut illy interripted by the Nazis 
Oblir^d to have a different lifestyle where my basic 



ue, it was like n boam 
imous university who 



principles no loufxor hid any v il 

of Jir^ht to (Moot this !!i m in a fj 

apT'reci tted rnv p ks t achievements. 

After years nt try in/: to .idjust in tl\is appnrontly 1 aw- 

lef^s v'orld, "^ dirl not fl ire to believe that 1 may hnve 



foun'l the path h <ck "^lolne 



• • • • 



to music 



Al thou^^h m-'kin/j; 



livin/^ wit*i it w^s rather dif^tTnt, T 



be/' tn to attend tho weekly morninf: so '5*ions at Teachers 

^olle/:e, Colunibi » ni^ersity in I'^obruary I96O, 

I cancelled my volunteer activity at the 'hospital, 

arnan^^ed to work at IJarton's ^andy from J : OO to midrji/^ht, 

but continue! my piano lessons with 'oseph, and tho niarket 

rose ;rch for Vrthur in *^gland« 

The au'ience in this course were mostly piano teachers 



who 



ty p 



re intei'ostod ii 



1 the different anp.roach 'or which 



this rourse wis well kiiown. As if it wore an en ter t- inmen t 
I listened nH le«rnod even swearing to myself to sit 



here 



ti 1 1 



am 'JO 





oaf 







^ 



- 2lh - 



Uowevr^r, whori my carofully prepared torm pajier wis 



ret'ii'no! without i ^^rade 



w \3 iJiaappoin ted to t)o told 



I w s t kin^ this (onrHC* for auditioning: ^nd not Tor 



credi t 



inf^ unrunili T with this voc vbulary ^ f^lt hurt 



ith t>iis expl-mation hut nnverthelenn 



1 n my i ;»Tior " nre 



1 proceeded to i\o to the administration to chanf^e 



rny 



t a t ' ! » , 



After srru tin i 7. infT "'y uipl i cat i on with the ^oil to 
teach music t) hand i ' ai'i'ed rhildren the re/^istrii? 



su;r.''* 



tod makiui". a list of my p.tst experiences, 'tlltihou/^h 



1 ailiiu t lod not to h ive .my 1 e/jal tlocuments to verify 'My 
statement sho -liitned it .i»uid be accej>ted as 1 on(j "^ i t 
was notorized. 
My Mir:liHh i*^! \tive idvised mo to inform them of my 

attend. uice ntl t^ie paper 1 sutuii t ted thinking 



previous 



that t 'is wr.iii fi \ n 



riMf>noe their decision 



^o tho suri>ri '« of "voryono Te \c^le^s ^-oller^e »< ceotod 
s n und»'rf':r ' hiate student in the musio depart-nent 



me » 



with ^'' point credit for life exoerience. 
'»>bout the same ti.Me » second hind pi mo de U er 
inforn»n<i »ne ^o h ve • o'nd a "ste'nway f^r md but he 



ner 



led the full pay "en t in 2^ hours 



- 275 - 



PIANOS BOUGHT and SOLD 




I* I A ?\ O S 



^. <^41c 



il6/2a 



159 -.Vr.Sr 2'br<\ ST^^ST 
>36:RASJJ2.1id :ST.-^ -•^- 



UKV,' YORK, N. Y. 11 



Oil. :2-79P 



?ebru:iry 5rd \q 60 



- 2?ei - 



Ilavln.'T ii >'J the T^romlse of my 1 'wvor to receive 

restitution m.nev j ws Rooking for a piano Imt 

tho rnonnv.vas sti 1 outst ndinfT. Luckily a cousin 

in SoutJi 'alcota provided the sum m'i, to my ^reat 

excitemf^jt, my uprl/^ht was exch.inffod .nd 

^ I came 

into tho r>os.se?<'^iori of a most beautiTul ♦^t'^inway 
r:ran 1 in ori'-ntal ni.h»f^ony rci^ently rebuilt bv 
"^ t '^ 1 nw.'iy , 

riio shock was so nvei'whel m in/T that ^ doveloped 
a skin r ah and it took me days bo .'ore J- darnd 
.just touching it. 



Received fiorn "^ss i:arianne 3 erel, 76 Riversid th^ sum 

Drive, Kev/ York, !:. Y. . 

of_Tv/elve I^Midr-d .-nd S-venty 7ive^ ($ • 1:175.00 ) Dollars 
aad o ne o tei rrv riy rpr i f;iit ' P i n n o ,* 

plus ^^ Sales Tnx. amo'intinq to T hirty ^ii^yut and 25/lQQ 



($ 38.25 ) ,n f-iU payment ttiereol for sale o[ alIsM-lMiO£:a|iy_ '' A'' 



_Sieinv.ry .".: Sona _, GniKlIipnqrht Piano, No. 1 ^792 5 

v/i t h deli ver y i nc 1 ud e d • 



This Piano is v/arranted to be (ree and clear of all liens and 

encumbrancer. 

"^ ^^^ ( 10 ) yo^irs gwnrontee on ''my mechanical delect. 

^"^ ( ^ j yrj?irC'dxi:^ixsari'iDcc Iree tuning •..'itixln one ye^irs p-^rio'j 



Thr«e ye ir» a^o , when 1 went to Milwaukee to see my 
co\isin vlullu, I m -de a stopover in '''hica^o wViere T 
mot I man while visitin/: a Museum. We was a pro- 
lessor or Mat!iom>tlrs at the I ondon ^'niversity, but 
now niado cl'MPfins tr < t ions for te »chers 'f young 
children about < new approach in Mathematics. 
In the succoedinr years I saw him inite a few times 
in New ^ork and he wrote me frequently from different 
coun tries • 

Imi'ressed with his intellectual sophistication and 
flattered by his attention 1 caine to worship him. 
Although there was a huge gap of educational as 
wei ] as a cultural difference this relationship 
influenced my life. 



Ii 



(i 



|i 



fl. MESSINA 



Per 



c<^^ ' // C^e-^z^g"- 



♦ , 



.r^ 



-r 277 - 



r^ 



Tims, wlien 1 met htm again as a n-\rt time student 
ho Sf-e<nef! Impressed, but thouf^ht It to be a wnste 



of time 



, sirK^e it w.i'M rj take yeirs to complet** ft 



dpf^ree. nowf»vf^r, to st idy full ti 



tMf» 



meant to leave 



my Job which j^ppo rod to mo f)Ut of re^ch. 

^ovortlie I esM , he rominde'l mo th t ' Ind s »vod some 



money nd that mif^ht ^et a schol rshi 



nut I 



postponed a decision, hecatiso I wis too nnxious t 



n 



leave a secure position for atudyin-j full time with 



an uncertain i uture 



^he foil 



owiru: \in s i went to England to se 



e my 



mother jitI other family members where t thought 
to discuss it. 

The final resolution came with the visit of my 
brother in law's friend specialized in economics 



who surf:e-ted that, if I n 



ceded in<iney for studying, 



not to soil my stonks, but to got a collateral fr 
a FVuik. it was a new idea to get a collateral for 



om 



o<tucationnl purr^oses, but T di'1 find i U.ink t 



o 



accept my stock certificates -^nd therefore rlecifle<l 
to study Hill time. 

When I I prilled «t Te chera ^ollcge to change my 
status T wis advised to go to i school speciiMzed 
in music therapy, since ^ wanted to study <usic 
for huidlrap ed children. 



.- 278 - 



Mowover, I in«l3te<l to remain ^t J eachera ^olle^e, 
slnne tho 60 y)oint credits -^ receive(i for 'ire 
experience, won 1 rl not only shorten the time, but 
I nlso w ntrri th*. ttr-'ctivo label of beini^ certi- 
fied at Coluinbia niversity. 

Affor m^^ptln.'TS in v.trions .lepart-nen ts I w?\a finally 
adiMLttotl in tho ilopartment of speci.il educati n :ta 
an 'tnrlpr ,-r irlu ite Hfident to be certified in ir\f»ntMl 
ro t irda t I on, 

I tiiourht i h f enough money for one ye'^r ^n*^ my 
ma thetuat I ci an »riend had calcul ted correctly -- 
I did receive a scholarship of C8(.>().- from the 
A^lk i'^ound . tion. Nev-. rthel os.s , evon Nith the addi - 
t L >n ».l -^v)!),- it WIS a cXiirinr. enternri.se. Althntiir^h 
uttorlv .ilono in this world I pi need -ai th« non*»y 
I ij d rt v(. I inio )ne year of studying: and bo^an in 
February 196I - with i^nglish as my fourth lanffuage, 
as a student in the Nursing department , since this 
was the only division with an ujiderf;raduato program. 
131-1 1 .... I was optimistic, thinking, that if all 
should go wrong ^ could return to my Job at 
llarton ' s O.indy • 



- 279 - 



THE 



N B W 



LIFE 



Thus, seven years had passed .since I made my three 
wishes — ( seoin?,' my mother, getting a furcoat and 
buying a piano; whxie entering barton's Uandy as a 
"manager m training" for O.75 Cts. an nour, 
^evertheiess, I missed going there lOecause it had 
always been em escape from ^opressions on lonely 
weekends and holidays, .undenly 1 found myself alone 
coping with problems I never imagined. 
The situation reminded me of the time when I left 
Charlie's factory ind none of the dressmakers would 
ever get in touch with me, although we worked together 
for more than ten years. 

The other surprise ceune from Joseph, w'f.o did not wish 
to give t!ie anymore piano lessons, since he claimed to 
have a different philosophy than that of Teachers 
College, 

However, in my need for friends I gradually succeeded 
to get some support among staff members. Having lived 
like an "outcast" for many years 1 necessitated an entire 
gamut of behavioral changes for a university. 
Moreover, when ^ saw my m i tl.ema tici m friend again he 
said, thafthis time he will only be able to see me m 
tne morning, since he Ccune with his "new wife," 
Although he always compared his family in ^gland with 
a cenetary, he never mentioned a divorce. Since I was 
sufficiently infatuated, his statement came as a shock 



■"■"I^n 



- 280 - 



.ind resulted in a sudden and violent outburst of 
my menstruation, which did not stop for weeks, 
feeling lost without a male companion, being limited 
tinancially ajid trapped between the needed psycho- 
logical balance and the anxiety to succeed at 
Teachers College, i decided to disregard my body's 
reac tions • 

Only months later, when the staining persisted 
and 1 be^^•In to weaken did ^ realize that, as a 
full time student i was insured to see a physician 
at the hospital. 

Thus, I met a fTynae^o ^ ogis t , who not only restored 
my health, but with his extraordinary capacity 
for empathy helped me to overcome my distress, 
I did not have to tell him my rather sad tale,,, 

he knew, in fact, he always did (to this day) 

After my hospitalization under the magnificent care 
of this man ^eachers College seemed to be more 
familiar territory and the tests ajid term papers 
appeared easier. 

However, the prestige to be a successftil student 
bolstered not only my ego, but also flattered the 
vanity of my fiunily and friends - and particularly 
Antonio, who just returned from his job in (Georgia, 
The busy schedule at Teachers ^ollege apart from 
working for Arthur in England, the piano lessons 
with one of Joseph's students, in addition to 
my sociil life, supplied me with sufficient 
stimuli to continue pursuing the idea of music 
for handicapped children. 



. »<tg;i>^^H'>*'V. 



I* 



- 281 - 

One day I had to see someone in an office at the 
elee:ant upper East sid^of Fifth Avenue. *hile waiting, 
the secretary started a conversation when I mentioned 
my interest in music for handicapped children. 
She seemed familiar with the subject .ind supplied 
me with the name and address of a music therapist 
in Philadelptiia. 

It was May when 1 wrote him whereupon he canr^ to my 
apartment to tnlk to me. .^ince he sensed my interest 
he invited me to come to Ihiladelphia to observe 
him at the iiosnital, 

^^e had a partner helping: the psychotic children at 
their percussion instriments while he improvised- 
singing .ilon^ at the piano. 

It was fascinating to see how he "disciplined" the 
wild outbursts of these youngsters witn his own 
rhythm to an acceptable tempo .and musical organi- 
zation. 

Wlien i told him my intention to see my mother in 
^gland now, before starting on my first teaching 
job, he eagerly suggested including a visit to the 
Sunfield Home near Birminghcun. He would arrange for 
me to stay there overnight so that I would get 
acquainted wi tli the tetuii dedicated to "The f^orgotton 
Children" (.is they were labelled). 




hi 




- 282 - 






I 



With a Bplus average at Teachers College and a 

sigTied contract for my first teaching job, I left 

for London on a Columbia charter plane. 

Although usually I went to England to see my mother, 

this time I also thought of investigating the 

possibility of living there again. 

It was more them twenty years ago now, that I 

arrived in New York via Cuba in a rather slow moving 

vessel, where I had a most wonderful time among 

mostly Spanish speaking people. 

Rather excited and immensely happy to have escaped 

the war, confident of Charlie whom I trusted like a 

father, I discarded my previous nightmares and the 

sorrow of leaving t^urope, since I was determined 

to return. 

However, my calculations were premature for the 

unexpected break with ^harlie and my divorce had 

changed everything. But now in 1962, having received 

my certi fioQ-tion as a speacial education teacher I 

hoped again to resettle in Europe, 

Although 'hnerica gave me shelter and opportunity, I 

longed for being back among my own people, 

■Profoundly bruised psychologically from all that had 

happened, I yearned for my mother, a familiar culture, 

mentality and environment. 

Ten years ago when ^harlie blojokmailed me to accept 

money for a trip to Israel it deemed "natural" to 



v^ 



- 283 - 



establish myself there with my sister and her family. 
But, although I loved Israel, for me i t was alien 
territory. It was London with my mother, other family 
members and old friends, where I wished to live more 
than anywhere else. 

Yet, by facing this realistically, such as the expenses 
of moving, finding a job and a place to live ^ arrived 
at the rather painful but inevitable conclusion, that 
actually -■- had no choice but to remain in the States. 
Th±S had been a dream of long ago - in a time that had 
ceased to exist. 

Moreover, having borrowed money from the Bank for my 
studies I knew, that I had to froe myself first from 
financial obligations, ^his was feasable only by working 
and saving, so that I had a chance to spend my vacations 
in Europe, 

Under the circumstances it was the only alternative 
but, by having succeeded to become an American citizen 
gmd to receive my teacher certification from a presti- 
gious University, I had established the foundation from 
where I could develop my interest wOw only in music, 
but particularly in music for handicapped children. 



- 284 - 




1 



> 



1 1 



\- m. 



or 



s ter 



' ] ' :i 



1 :".v ^fi.M. (received 1073) 



:^JO\- 



I ; ; i < 



XI .S I. f 



t i or: 



ct n.ir t icul ar 1 V 



r>' r. to 



Vnr 



nferonces 



riius 1 c 



)no 



o speirl 



ca L 1 'H 



uro 



1 1^ o 1 » -». 



I IJ 



' * . i V* i 



k t..' i 



i n t e i~ 



cu::;^ 



rCSG iVcV% 



1 O' 



1 n lorn.v '■:±<' 



vears 



we 



oV 






V i V i O • ' 

1 U-SOvl 



L-rA 



v> 



"hlch n 



t.'ki 



to 



o to 



1 vr. tcr 



u 



o 



c ^' o 



u - \ 1 i> 



nove 



1 L 



< '.V 



liu i I ' 1 i n 



1 1 owin/' 



'hor< 



u.il 1 



I it: en i u;:;:e r 



di r«.*c ti on 
throe 



- 286 - 



lUblio/craphy on Music Hierapy (geared towards the Har.dicapned 
Child. ^* 

United Cerebral Palsy -^ss. of New York State, Inc. I969. 



"'"Music as a Facilitator for Visual Motor ^equencinr Tasks in 
Children with ^erebral Palsy." ( To.'Tethor with Ur.L. i)iller 
and Marilyn Urgel ) Dovelopinon tal Medici ne /^_';;^;iild Neurology ,19? 

3 
" reaching: Matliema Lies to a Mui Lihandicapped Roy , " \ Case Study 
British Society for the -^tudy of Me ntal Subno rrr.ali t v , I976 . 

Reprinted in the "Visually Handicap" 

In tcrnaLiona l Keh abili t tcion Schindele Verla/r 1976 

Reprinted by AS_ET( /vss. for Educational Techno J o/Ty, 1^77, 

a)"^on,':s of F.air.iliar and not so Pamiliar Melodies" 
Unite*! ^orebral Palsy of New York City Inc. 19b ♦• 

b) "'Another perspective: A personal experience in Music l>ierapy" 
SOCIAL PSYCHIATRY Plenum Press London 198^. 

c)"Scudy showing effect of Musical ^ovs on i<etarded '^hildren" 
ClilLI)'.^ PLAY , USA loy Library Kss . I0.S3. 



riie Use of >!usic t o ^'aci 1 i tato Lear n i n r in a Class with 
>:ul Lih andicapped C hi idren . - - 

Video : ->on Brockway 

^) The Applica t ion of a C olor Sequence to Teach Mathematics 
to a Mul t i hruHJlcapped CirJ: '*• Case Study* 
Video: Uon Brockway 1Q79 

Received cor t i f i_c aj^e of M eri t f r )m the International 
Film (Rehab) Festival Fordhiun Lniversity, IO80, 

^ ) Uearn inf: ^\l r o li^i i_jVs s o c i a tion rrocessi nfr : A C as o S tud y 
Video: ^oirilrockway' 1981". ( ^ finalist')" 



5r. 



F^ifth International Con^^ress of the In lernativ^nal Ass. for 
the Scientific Study of MIONTA!. IjKFICTFNCY 
Jerusalem J 1979, 



- 287 - 



a) Third in uernational 'Conference for "Special i^dvicition 
(EASE) COMMLMCATiON \NM) HANDTT : \l', Helsinki^ Finland, I98O 

b) ^i/^th World Lon^ross of SOClAt. KS Y CH I \ TRY , Za/rreb, 
Yo^^oslavia, 19^1. 

c) TSME International MU S [ C El )UC AT ION CO X PKRKXt" E , Bristol, 
^nfjland, 1982. 

d) International S>anposium in MU S T C . M E I ) I C I N E , E DU C ATT O N , 

AND TilKRATY for the ilmdicappcd. Ebeltoft, Denmark, IO83. 



fc^^'^N 



* * « ■!»• * • • • • 



(jne day a poem my late sister wrote after my 
mother's death intri;;ued nio to compile pictures, poems 
and letters from the j.kis t for my sister's children^ v/ho 
lived in Israel. 

It took many years to pat it all to/ce thor . . . . and it was 
followed by my traiisl. lion of a riiary I kept durin/r the 
war and finally endeti with another book dcscrit>in/'^ niy 
agoni/inc adjustment in Now York. 

Recall in^T the past in those many details was an extra- 
ordinary experience as it almost felt like a "double life" - 
that of tlie person I had been and my present self. 



^^^, 



"Family Era/;ments" LE«) aAECK INSTITUTE (vrchives) 
"Letters to my Mother" I.Kf- !'^^r\- TN'STinJTE (Archives) 

"The Time of Ad jus tn.en t " L'jrt [_:LtO BAFOCK I STlTi'TR (Archives) 

"The Time of -adjustment" l^irt II (Hie -^plit) 



- 288 - 



r 



Actually 1 revived the people I loved, (and lost) thei 

environment, clothes and behavior. 

In my memory I "heard" their lau<-hter, "felt" their 



tenderness for rne and roco/nii^^ed their anxiet 



les 



However, n 



ow 



as 1 am a! out t finish 



ny "tale" I 



ain overcome wi tii profound nostalgia, 



My world is it wcri 



has ceased t 



o exist 



It almost s corns as Sal 



man i<ushdie recentlv exclai 



med 



that bein/T an exile ii 
one ' s niemory 



leans to hnv 



o one ' s roots in 



IM;iMW-"r'.'i.,>»NuiWf' 



^ 




H^^ L- ' ^^RGS 



wmmm 



c 









0/ foji^ 



%• 




^4 A"^ /^^y^2^^^^^^ 



o 




,.^w 



^iU 










^^ ^ijr/^^oA ^^^ 






C^h <^/<* ^^/ ^ ^^ ^^ ^'iS' 2 



i^4.^ ^/>^<^^rj^. 





y^l^^X 




ZJ^^^o 



Uia.r /^7' 





Max L. Bcrges 
Woodland Park Estates 
12 A Olive Drive 
Woodland Hills, 
Calif. 91364. 



Approximately 
150.000 
words . 



PLEASE. DON'T WORRY! 



NOTHING CAME OF IT! 



The travels and travails 

of two people and a guardian angel 

without a country. 

By Max L. Berges. 



• 



All rights reserved. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 




To my beloved wife Annie 

who prodded me into writing this book 




"Life is a treasure we have got to 
cherish and we must tend it with 
everlasting care and devotion, so 
that when the hour comes when we 
must return it to the Donor, He 
will not be disappointed with the 
way we have taken care of it, for 
He is a severe judge in such matters 
and allows no excuses for indiffer* 
ence, negligence or careless workman^ 
ship." 



Hendrick Willem Van Loon. 




Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 




I gratefully acknowledge the unselfish help 
I have received from Mr. Gustave Schindler 
of the Albert Einstein Foundation as well 
as from Mrs. Margaret Bush and the late 
Mrs. Else Staudinger of The American 
Council For Refugees in the Professions. 

Max L. Berges. 



All incidents and characters in 



this book are basically true. 
Only some of the names have been 
changed or the first letter been 



used to save embarrassment to those 



concerned. 




Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of itl 




TABLE OF C0NTI-:NTS: 



Chapter : 



ONE: 



FOUR: 



FIVE: 



SIX: 




NINE: 




BY WAY OF AN INTRODUCTION 



WHO AM I? 



TWO: MEET TIMOTHY, MY GUARDIAN ANGEL 
THREE: WHO IS SHE? 



FROM WEST TO EAST 

SHANGHAI - WHEN SHE STILL V;AS 

SHANGHAI 

EXIT SHANGHAI / ENTER MANILA 



SEVEN: MANILA AND ILOILO, P.I. 



EIGHT: FROM EAST TO WEST 



THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS 



- • - 



I 
I 

21 
42 
78 



151 
259 
325 
476 
551 



• 



• 




BY WAY OF AN INTRODUCTION 



Like the Greek cynical philoso- 
pher Diogenes, who in daylight carried a lantern to find 
an honest man, so one might nowadays carry a flashlight 
to find a decent man who honestly could or would say a 
kind word for the mass-murderer Adolf Hitler. And yet - 
although not by design - he unknowingly became the instru=» 
raent to bestow upon us a great blessing. If it had not been 
for him, we might never have emigrated from Germany. If it 
had not been for him, we most probably never would have 
become American citizens. Nothing in our lives we cherish 
more than our American citizenship. (Sorry, Mr. K. , wher- 
ever you are) . 

Indeed, if this Belial had not come to power in Germany, 
my travels with Annie through many parts of the world would 
not have materialized. Please, understand that we did not 
travel for our pleasure or as tourists. Nonetheless, we have 
seen more of this world thanks to Hitler than most people 
ever have or will. We did not have an easy time of it. Still, 
we would not wish to miss any of our experiences, bad, sad, 
good, joyful or whatever. 

After escaping from Nazi-Germany with but a few pos- 
sessions and very little money in our pocket we have journeyed 
from continent to continent, from one lan//or nation to another, 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



II. 





from islands to other islands. The choice had not been ours, 
and we do not recommend exile for anyone unless it is a 
matter of life or death. Sometimes we only traveled through 
for a few hours, at other times we stayed for a few days, 
for several weeks or months or even for a year or two in 
countries or places like Poland, Kussia under Stalin, 
Siberia, Manchuria (called Manchukuo at that time when the 
Japanese occupied it), China, Japan, Hong Kong, the Philippine 
Islands, Singapore, the Malay Peninsula, the island of Sum* 
atra in the then Dutch-East Indies, Colombo on the island 
of Ceylon, the Suez Canal, Port Said, Italy, the Straits 
of Gibraltar and England. We have crossed many rivers and 
mountain ranges, sailed over oceans and seas, through 
channels and straits until we finally reached these United 
States of America . 

After all our wanderings, or globe-trotting so to speak, 
after all we have seen and experienced, after all our travels 
and travails we have learned that in all the world this 
great country of ours cannot be surpassed. There is no 
better, no finer, no more exciting and freer nation than 
these United States. (Sorry, Mr. K. , wherever you are). 
There is no# better way of life anywhere, no better chances 
to get ahead, no better opportunities to obtain an education 




whatever color of skin, whatever creed or former nationality 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of itl 



III. 



% 



one has. An individual, if he or she puts his or her mind 
to It, can rise from poverty to wealth, from ignorance to 
knowledge, and nevermind what all the extremists may claim. 
In these present times, when it is no longer fashionable to 
be a square and a patriot, we - my wife Annie and I - have 
often been put down. We have been called Chauvinists and 
Fascists when we praised this land, and Communists when we 
opposed racism and any other ugly forms of prejudice. We 
have been called many names although all we claim is that 
we are faithful and loyal Americans, which includes praise 
without excluding criticism. We do not like the Birchers 
and the Minutemen on the one side, and the S.D.S. students, 
the Weathermen and the Black Panthers on the other. 

Sorry, I guess I went off the subject. In all proba= 
bility I will do so again and again. Thoughts have the habit 
of running hither and thither and cannot always be stopped. 
Right now, for instance, I am reminded of Socrates who said: 
"The sun could as easily be spared from the universe as free 
speech from society. Life that is not tested by discussion 
is not worth living." The trouble with extremists is that 
they demand free speech for themselves, but oppose discussion. 

And, friends or foes, that is my hang-up: Free dis» 
cussion. I am going to let my thoughts ramble as they come, 
let my memories revive as they do, and my mind say what it 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



IV. 






likes. I do not care on whose toes I will step and I am 
bound to step on some whatever I say. If you are willing 
to follow rae for a while, you might shed a few tears here 
and there, or sometimes take umbrage at me, but all in all 
you might get interested in the ventures and adventures we 
managed to survive, in the ideas and philosophy I intend 
to dispense. Perhaps - and I am almost certain about it - 
occasionally you might be amused although now and then you 
would wish that you could punch me in the nose or feel cora= 
pelled to write a kind or unkind letter to me. I won't stop 
you - even if I could - in whatever you wish to do as long 
you will go on reading. 

On my part I will do my best not to bore you with 
our experiences, our bewilderment at times, our disap= 
pointments and frustrations and also our joys and sorrows 
while we were two people without a country. 

So - come along with us, if you will, please. You 
won't regret it. At least, ray wife Annie, my guardian angel 
Timothy and I hope so. I cannot promise you any straight 
chronology. We might be for one moment at one place and for 
the next somewhere else. The events of yesterday, today and 
tomorrow won't appear in the regular order of time. I will 
just let my fingers dance over the keys of my typewriter, 
but rest assured I won't annoy you with an autobiographical 
autobiography - if that makes any sense to you. It does to 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it! 



V. 



% 



me and you will understand as the book develops. 

No doubt, at one time or other most of you have taken 
a roller-coaster ride. That's what our life has been for 
several years. Figuratively speaking we were riding a 
roller-coaster. Up and down. Down and up. Sometimes in 
slow motion, sometimes so fast that we were left dizzy or 
shaken. And if I say "we' , I mean Annie, my wife, Timothy, 
my guardian angel, and myself. Our ups and downs were not 
of the ordinary kind. After all, anyone experiences ups 
and downs during the span of a lifetime, but let me ask 
you for instance who of you in the dark of the night had 
to get out of a beautiful apartment, furnished with love, 
leaving behind a valuable library and knowing that you 
never will be allowed to return and claim your property? 
Just leave to save your very lives? Just leave with a few 



suitcases and nothing else? That's exactly what we 



had 



to do one night. That's how we were starting «i our travels 
and travails as people without a country, totally doubtful 
of our final destiny. We had to abandon burgeoning careers 
and never could catch up with them again. We have been in 
heaven and hell and in between. We have known the joy of 
remaining alive ahid the disaster of hunger and near-star- 
vation. We have pursued our lost happiness for years and 
then found it when we did not expect it anymore. It was a 
long and hard road. Yet, we have survived. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



VI. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 1 - 




All right, friends or foes, let's face it. It's up 
to you if we will stay together for a while or perhaps 
all the way to the last page. And if you want to know the 
truth, my guardian angel Timothy is not very optimistic 
about ray writing this book or that anyone will ever care 
to read it. It's his nature to be pessimistic and please 
don't mind him. He has an unavoidable way of budding in 
from time to time and being my guardian angel I can't re« 
fuse him if he also wants to have his say. One should never 
underestimate the importance of having a guardian angel, 
even some one like Timothy, who is not exactly the most 
cheerful celestial companion. 




CHAPTER ONE 



WHO AM I? 



I wonder, if anyone truly and 
honestly knows who he actually is. A date of birth, a 
given name, a profession or occupation can not be the 
answer to this self-defeating question. Perhaps character 
and a way of thinking or believing can be, although I even 
doubt that. 

Well, who am I? A cog in a wheel? A part of a system? 
A psychic body that sees and can be seen according to Brah- 
manic dogma? Does nationality, religion, color of skin really 
matter? All £>j1<:now for certain is that I am a human being. 
Anything else is guesswork. "Which of us is not, forever, 
a stranger and alone?" So asked Thomas Wolfe in "Look 
homeward. Angel". Who am 1? 

When Annie and I lived in Shanghai the Chinese called 



me 



Liu Fai Pei. I forgot what it means and in case you are 




curious try and ask a Chinese. It so happened that I was 
born in Hamburg, Germany, on November 19th. Please, don't 
tell me under what sign I was brought into the world. I 
don't believe in astrology. As far as I am concerned it is 
a most lamentable hoax, perpetrated on mankind for too many 
centuries. (There you see, I'm already stepping on other 
peoples' toes. I can hear the anguished outcries of the 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it! 



- 2 - 






many who are addicted to this non-science.) Hitler very 
much relied on astrology and see where it got hira. 

I remember that a few days after Roald Amundsen, the 
famous Norwegian polar explorer, had disappeared in an 
attempt to rescue another polar explorer, the Italian 
Umberto Nobile, we - that is a group of actors, singers, 
writers and other anomalous people - were sitting in the 
cellar restaurant of the Hamburg City Opera House, dis= 
cussing this event. Among us happened to be a man who at 
that time was considered to be one of the most reputed 
atrologers in Germany. He told us that he had studied 
Amundsen's astrological chart. Without the shadow of a 
doubt, so he predicted, Amundsen was alive and would sur= 
face on a certain day at a certain time. That certain day 
and certain time came and nothing happened. To the best 
of my knowledge we never exactly found out how Amundsen 
perished. But perish he did. This same astrologer, whose 
knowledge in his chosen field was supposed to be unas= 
sailable, also predicted that I would become a very rich 
and famous man. Again he was wrong - at least so far. I 
didn't get rich or famous, thank the Lord. As a matter of 
fact, I never had enough time to spare getting rich and 
never cared as long as 1 had one cent more than we needed 
although there were timeiwhen we didn't have that extra 
cent. My knowledge about money is almost nil. I believe 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 3 - 



% 



what HC/fTy David Thorcau said, "The only wealth is life". 

If there is anything remarkable about November 19th, 
I haven't found out yet. However, President Lincoln de- 
livered his Gettysburg address on a November 19th and that 
is certainly a very remarkable event in world history. The 
Austrian composer Franz Schubert died on a November 19th, 
but that's all I can tell you about this date. 

As far as my place of birth, Hamburg, is concerned, I 
do not have an excuse. Any place in the United States, even 
Tombstone in Arizona, would have suited me much better. I 
never have been in Tombstone, so please anybody living 
there don't think I am downgrading this good town. I just 
chose it as an example because the name Tombstone for a 
city is very intriguing. 

Since I never had any delusions about myself, I also 
had never any need to be psycho-analyzed. The very fact is 
that in my opinion I was bom a nut and did not change much 
over the years. However, don't get me wrong, I'm in no way 
mentally deficient, or at least I do not think so. At times, 
and whenever it suited me, I have sufficiently conformed to 
fit into normal society - although there isn't anything like 
a normal society. 

Some years ago, when I had to undergo an exploratory 
operation, my doctor sent me first to a psycholoj)fist in 
order to feel assured that the pains I complained about were 
not Imaginary^ since all medical tests, including x-rays^ 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 4 - 






had been negative. The psychologist and I had a very 
pleasant talk which he suddenly terminated because in 
his opinion I was wasting his valuable time. So I had 
this exploratory operation and as it turned out I did not 
waste the surgeon's time. 

Who am I? Like you, I would say, I am a member of the 
human race. No more, no less. As Mark Twain said, "Worse 
I can say of no man". 

Politically and emotionally I am moderate as dis= 
tinguished from liberal. Having personally experienced 
life under a dictatorship and observed it for a short 
time under another dictatorship, I am uncompromisingly 
opposed to any extremism, be it of the left or the right. 
I do not understand how it is logically and rationally 
possible to be anti-Communistic and at the same time pro- 
Fascistic or vice versa. Both these so-called ideologies 
are basically alike in their final aims: The destruction 
of democracy, that is liberty and freedom for all, and 
the in>4tallation of an imperialistic dictatorship. 

Religiously I am a deist and so is Annie (or at least 

so she has become after having been married to me for a 

while) . We do not belong to any of the mechanical and 

neither / 
organized religious sects, hi^£/lo we abide agnosticism 

or atheism. We believe in the unlimited power of prayer 

and not a day goes by that we do not pray to God together 

and thank Him for His goodness. We are able to converse with 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 5 - 



S 



God so much better without interference by man-made rituals 
and dogmas or any allegedly professional men of God. 

My pet peeve are the so-called Evangelists. I won't 
say what I think of them because I do not like libel suits. 

"Lbelieve in one God, and no more," so wrote Thomas 
Paine in "The Age of Reason" and so do Annie and I think, 
'*and I hope for happiness beyond this life. I believe that 
religious duties exist in doing justice, loving mercy, and 
endeavouring to make our fellow creatures happy. 1 do not 
believe in the creed professed by any church that I know 
of. Religion is not an act that can be performed by proxy. 
Every person must perform it for himself." 

Who am I? Once by birth and not by choice I was a 
German citizen and now solely by choice I am an American 
citizen which suits me so much better although I have no 
animosity against Germany whatsoever. On the contrary I 
admire the industry of the present Democratic Republic of 
West-Germany and don't equate it with the Nazi-Germany of 
the past. As an Ame>tican citizen - albeit a naturalized one - 
I have not acquired the untenable attitude of some Americans 
to feel superior to members of other nations. Notwithstanding 
and despite my aversion to general prejudices I have become 
antagonistic toward the Arabs and their late Fuehrer Gamal 
Abdal Nasser in particular. Their stupidity is monumental, 
but as Friedrich Schiller, the classical German poet, wrote 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it! 



- 6 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 7 - 






in his play "Die feindlichen Brucder" (The hostile Brothers): 
"Mit der Dummheit kaempfen Goettcr selbst vorgebens". Against 
stupidity even the Gods fight in vain. 

The Arabs with their vast land acreage can and could 
easily give up the small strip which originally belonged 
to the Jews anyway. Under the many centuries of Moslem and 
Arab rule this land was left to barrenness. The miracle the 
Jews performed in Palestine and the few years of Israel's 
existence should have been an inspiration to the Arabs 
and to Mr. Nasser. Instead it provoked envy and malevo= 
lence. It is one of the great tragedies of mankind that 
the Semitic Arabs refuse to reach out their hands in peace 
to the Semitic Jews, their brothers. 

In anything but hatred for the Jews Mr. Nasser had 
been a failure, the same as Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin 
were failures. Perhaps if it weren't for the evil designs 
of Communist Russian Imperialism the Arab nations would 
have found a way to live in peace and friendship with the 
State of Israel. If that ever comes to pass, the entire 
Mid-East would be changed into a modern Garden of Eden. 

Who am I? A man with a sense of humor. Consequently 
I am suspicious of people who lack this sense. Hitler and 
Stalin had none, and I think neither had Nasser and Musso= 
lini. Otherwise I cannot think of having any prejudice which, 
of course, is not quite normal. Prejudices always have ruled 



and probably will rule the world. I am a poor capitalist 
for not being a Communist. I thoroughly distrust the stock 
market, having an Idea (perhaps wrongly) that It Is being 
manipulated by a few egotistic financiers. Gambling, I am 
sure, would bore me to death as does playing cards or games. 
Although we do not llv^very far from Las Vegas, we have 
never bothered to visit It. 

Certainly, like anybody else we did not escape Las 
Vegas or Reno on the movie or TV screens, always wondering 
why gambling had to be made so much more attractive by 
elaborate, super-dlmen,ional shows? It Is generally assumed 
that the desire for gambling like alcoholism is one of the 
most common human psychological aliments. The Las Vegas 
Strip (or whatever It Is called) with Its gigantic neon- 
signs over-exposes all the vulgarity of a carnal carnival. 
Moreover, nothing looks more abhorrent and pitiful than the 
faces of some of the old and middle-aged women, working the 
slot-machines like robots. The money lost In the Nevada 
gambling casinos could cure much want and hunger In the 
world. Irving Katz, Chairman of the Psychology Department 
of the Nevada Southern University^ defined this modem Sodom 
and Gomorrah, originally created by the Crime Syndicate, 
with these words: "Las Vegas is a focus of all our national 
ailments and problems. Success Is judged by wealth alone, 
and false values predominate". 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 8 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 9 - 





In contrast to most or probably all other people, 
who very much like money or the possession of it, I 
thoroughly dislike it. Don't get me wrong, though, I 
have enough common sense to realize that in this world 
one has to have some money in order to survive. However, 
it scares me that like slaves we are so dependent on it. 
Who am I? I think, by nature I am a re^el without a 
cause because I don't have the deep desire to change the 
world. I abhor revolutions, violence, riots and any gener=» 
alized hatred. Nonetheless , I once belonged to an anti- 
Nazi underground group, dedicated to oppose and fight 
Nazism as well as Communism by any means, words and deeds >( 
at our command. I hate wars, and yet I have been a soldier 
in a war. When I was drafted I told these people that 1 
was deaf in one ear which is true. I was assured not to 
worry about it because I would be able to hear the shoot= 
ing all right. The very moment I couldn't hear it anymore, 
I could assume to be dead. They were right I heard the 
shooting. I still hate wars , but 1 don't think it would 
ever occur to me to bum my draft card. I am not a coward, 
and I think that my country has the right to call me for 
duty when she needs me. That's the kind of square rebel 



I am. 




Who am I? An extrovert who secretly is an introvert 
Crazy, but true. Regretfully, the majority of people in 



the world are ambiverts. In psychology an amblvert is 
some one who is neither an extro- nor an introvert. If 
you come right down to the essentials, not the dictators, 
the politicians, the military, or whoever else In this 
category, are responsible for our wars, but the ambi=» 
verts, or as lately Mr. Nixon called them - the silent 
majority. They, being complacent, let their leaders as 
well as militant rebels get away with murder and mass- 
murder. The worst violators against world peace are the 
professional pacifists themselves. They will commit any 
crime, any violence in order to feed their own cowardice. 
We cannot be unilaterally pacific. If not all the people 
in all the world go onstrike against wars, we always will 
have wars. We cannot have a one-sided peace. We cannot 
protest against one establishment if we do not protest 
against all establishments and that includes the Russian 
and Red Chinese variety, for without their support of 
wars we would and could have peace in the world. That's 
why ever since Cain slew Abel we had very short periods 
without wars and mass-murder. I prefer a Ghandi to a 
Stalin or Hitler, a Dr. Schweitzer to Ho Chi-Min/^or MacT 
<ze->Lung. Sorry, I am a benevolent rebel. I don't want 
to slay my enemies, but I wish these Hitlers, Stalins, 
Nassers and their likes would never again be duplicated. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 10 - 




Who am I? If nothing else, I am an avid 



reader. Like a drug addict suffers when he doesn't h 



ave 





his jolt, I suffer if I do not have a book that inter- 
ests me. I am selective in what I read, but read I must. 
A book store has the same attraction to me as a bar for 
an alcoholic. 

Felix Frankfurter said, "Very few people ever read 
anything except the headlines and the commentators, these 
great raiseducators of the American public in giving pep= 
sinized knowledge and sometimes half-knowledge." Most 
people, if they read at all, turn to the sports pages 
of a newspaper and the comic strips - and iv^hat the hell 
can they learn from that? I pity them, for they miss the 
best that life has to offer. "Reading is the heart and 
soul of culture in its highest form." So wrote Walter 
Pitkin in his book "Life beins at Forty". 

I honestly believe, if it weren't for the majority 
of non-readers, the uninformed ones, who often are con=' 
vinced they know everything, the world could be at peace. 
They feed on their own prejudices and make it possible 
that the Hitlers, Stalins, Mussolinis, Mao Tze-Z^lngs and 
Ho-Jhi Min^ could become the mass-murderers of our times. 
They with their untrained minds are the followers. Igno- 
rance is the worst of all human shortcomings. 

Antfplease do not tell me that there is a person in 



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-li- 



the world who hasn't got the time to read. They have time 
for golf, for watching television and sport events, and 
they have time for many non-essential matters as gossiping, 
playing cards and gambling for instance. If one wants to 
read, one finds time to read. But perhaps Mark Twain was 
right when he said, "Let us be thankful for fools. But 
for them the rest of us can succeed." 

The people I fear most are the deadly intellectuals. 
(Sorry, Mr. K. , wherever you are). They always have been 
and are, to be sure, a small minority, but they constitute 
and have proven to be extremely dangerous to all mankind. 
Luckily, the non-deadly ones, the ones who have shaped and 
shape our world affairs, our civilization, our culture, are 
in the majority. To name a few - I think of Socrates, 
Galileo, Ghandi, Dr. Schweitzer , Professor Einstein, John 
Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr. and many others. The deadly 
ones, though, are the destroyers, the enslavers, the conscious 
liars and tyrants. They are greedy for power and would commit 
any ethical, moral and physical infamy to obtain it. They 
do not have any scruples whether they align themselves 
on the side of the super-patriots or the super-Marxists. 
Their intellec tualism has gone sour, evil and hazarcjjpusly 
unbalanced. 

Webster defines "intellect" as "That faculty of the 



human soul or mind which receives or comprehends the ideas 



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communicated to it by the senses, or by perception, or 
by other means, the faculty of thinking." 

Unfortunately, a so-called intellectual is not always 
wise or even intelligent. Each human being has the faculty 
of thinking, but only a few use it and use it intelligently. 

The deadly intellectuals are persuaders by which they 
advance themselves and their sick causes. They are liars by 
their own choice. Like Joseph Goebbels advanced the cause 
of the monstrous Adolf Hitler; like Lenin and Trotzki used 
their evil minds to establish the feudalism, or if you 
will, the imperialism of Communism; like Mao 'ize -Tung "liber' 
ated" China from the war lords and the Fascism of Chiang 
Kai-shek to establish a worse tyranny himself ; like Ho* 
chi-Minh espoused civil war to free his country from the 
colonialism of the French and then suppressed his people 
as a brutal dictator. All of them were mass-murderers. 
Among them they have with malice aforethought killed 
millions and millions of innocent people. 

Joseph Goebbels himself admitted the evil of his cause 
when he said in 1943, "We will go down in history as the 
greatest statesmen of all times or as their greatest 
criminals." Men like him have the faculty ofr becoming 
great statesmen , but like any gangster they cannot act 
like men of good will. They cannot walk in the light of 
the sun. They need the darkness of night for their evil 



deeds. And make no mistake about it, we have some of these 
deadly intellectuals in our own country. 

Vladimir llyich Lenin, who claimed to have founded a 
people's republic and instead organized a tryranny, admitted, 
"We can and must write in a language which sows among the 
masses hate, revulsion , scorn toward those of different 
opinion." He, the man who studied law, demanded to be heard, 
buiT" disallowed the same right to those who opposed him. 
That is what Communism and Fascism have in common. They 
seek the right of freedom of speech, but will not listen 
to anyone who has any other ideas. They glibly talk of 
democracy and ruthlessly destroy it. They poison the minds 
of young people and brainwash them until they are unable to 
think rationally. They believe that riots and violence are 
substitutes for progress, and then dare to call it an ex=» 
pression of democratic dissent. Communist and Fascist think= 
ing processes are "controlled and more often uncontrolled 
schizophrenia" . 

The deadly intellectuals - as history has proved again 
and again - suffer from paranoiac delusions. They are treacher' 
ous not only to their own country, but also to humanity in 

general. 

The American variety of deadly intellectuals - and I 
have known and met a number of them - despise anything 
American and rather would see the Swastika, the . red Hammer 



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15 - 16 - 





and Sickle^or Vietcong flag fly over the White House than 
the Star and Stripes. They negate all things Amcvtican and 
yet partake of our country's abundance and exploit our 
democratic pel3nissiveness under the Constitution. Their 
aim is to abolish the American way of life. They grow hot 
and angry if anyone lauds the United States and our Con^* 
stitution, under which they believe they can commit treacher=* 
ous crimes. "Anger is the wind that blows out the lamp of the 
mind," said Robert Ingersoll. Yes - that is what happens 
to Americans who fall into the trap, set by deadly intel= 
lectuals and their agents provocateurs. The wind of anger 
blows out their minds. To them love for these United States 
has become a deadly sin. (Sorry, Mr. K. , wherever you are). 




Who am I? Although I think to have established 
that I'm neither a deadly intellectual nor a deadly super- 
patriot, but a moderate in my political thinking, abhorring 
the gyrations of the extreme left or right, I guess I still 
have not really answered this ominous question. How can I? 
Perhaps it was foolish of me to ask it in the first place. 

Sometimes in the stillness of the night, unable to 
sleep and yet not fully awake, my mind is invaded by a 
weird feeling that I am just a stranger on this planet, 
we call Earth. Perhaps we all are strangers, staying for 
a while and then go on to - we do not know yet where. Per- 



haps our real home is somewhere else in this great uni- 
verse. Q^ite often, when this feeling invades my mind 
and takes over my emotions, a curious longing , that 
I would like to return to that mysterious home of mine, 
arises in me . 

An incident comes to my mind (and I am sure others 
have had similar unexplainable experiences), an incident 
which happened many years ago. I had taken a train to 
Liege (Belgium), a city and country where I had never 
been before. I was supposed to meet a certain man at a 
certain address, both unknown to me. There was nothing 
secretive about it, just an ordinary journalistic as= 
signment. After arriving in Liege 1 walked out of the 
railway station with the intention of hailing a taxi. 
I did nothing of the sort. Neither did I ask anybody how to 
find the address. The very moment I had stepped outside, 
I just recognized the place in a manner as if I had been 
there before in the long ago prior to my birth. Like being 
in a trance I started walking toward my destination. I 
began to remember streets and houses and stores in this 
ancient city, the history of which goes back at least to 
the fourteenth century. I walked unerringly ahead, turned 
corners, knowing in advance what to expect in the next 
street. Somehow 1 had redeemed from oblivion the names 



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of stores and shops, some of which had been owned by the 
same families for hundrecUof years. I even could tell the 



names of streets before I saw the signs. In less th 



an 





fifteen minutes I reached the house of the man I was 

supposed to see. There and then I suddenly stopped before 

knocking at the door. It was a frightening feeling to real- 

ize that I had done something for which I could not give 

a rational account. What had happened to me? How had it 

been possible that suddenly I had recaptured ^A^me forgotten 

part of a nescient past and pulled/out of the retentiveness 

of/ 
of memories i^r ^^r il/tFTis otherwise totally strange town? 

Could it be that I might have lived in Liege in a former 

existence? Who had I been then? I never found an answer 

other but that it confirmed my inner conviction that life 

is eternal. 

Never before and never after have I been so close to 
the mystery of life and death, the mystery of creation in 
the spiritual sense. 

Who in effect knows who he is? Most of us suffer from 
delusions in regard to our own ego. The worst of our de= 
lusions are those of grandeur, of our own importance in 
the great scheme of God, delusions that we actually are 
what we believe to be. Only very few of us like to admit 
that life on this planet will continue without us as it 



has existed before we were born. Few of us comprehend 
consciously that wo do not leave a vacuum which cannot 
be filled after we have departed. We are soon forgotten 
unless we have committed exceptional deeds of good or evil 
which are written into the annals of history. Even of these 
only a small number remain stenciled forever in the books 
of general knowledge. We, the mass, just seem to disappear - 
but we don't really. Our existence leaves an imprint, even 
if it is smaller than a micro dot. Life apparently goes on 
without us, but it doesn't really. We are still there in 
some form or other. Our ideas remain alive. Our acquired 
knowledge, as scanty and limited as it may have been, does 
not die with our bodies. Physically we are destined to dis- 
appear, but where do we go? After all, each of us fulfills 
a certain function in life, good, bad or seemingly incon- 
sequential. And so does an insect, a plant, anything that 
was alive, if even for a few hours only. Each living being 
is pre-destined to guarantee the continuance of our species 
for some length of time, some thousands of years, others 
millions or even billions and more. Our having been alive 
must have had a. definite purpose, or we would not have 
existed at all. Not we, not the insect, not the plant. 

Lewis E. Lawes in his book "Cell 202 Sing Sing'; wrote: 
"When we die and are buried and then come to life again on 
the earth in the trees and grass and flowers, can you tell 



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which grass and trees and flowers are Christians, or 
Jewish, or Chinese, or Mohammedan? Nature doesn't put 
any marks on them : God doesn't cither. Your face, your 
body, your language may be different. But the soul, it 
has no label." 

This, I believe, is all the truth of which we can be 
assured. The soul has no label. Still, I often wished I 
knew who I am or rather what I appear to be in the minds 
and eyes of my contemporaries - if I leave God out of this 
question and answer game. 

I could ask Annie who she thinks I am. Her answer, 
if she would give me one, would be anything but objective, 
/he is definitely prejudiced in my favor. So was my mother 
I was the apple of her eyes until the day she died. She 
neither could have told me who I am although I have groisTi 
into a being in her womb. I could ask a good friend. He 
might not want to hurt my feelings and be evasive. I could 
ask an enemy. Perhaps he would answer my question, but I 
don't think I would like to hear it. Perhaps no one can 
answer my question. So we better leave it be. It doesn't 
actually matter very much who 1 really am , unless by pos- 
ing this question I might have succeeded in catching your 
interest to read this book and then it's up to you to come 
to your own conclusion. 



be a re- incarnation of Ahasuerus, the legendary, wandering 
jQwand that is what this book is all about. 

Timothy, my guardian angel, asserts that I am his 
punishment for sins he committed during his life on this 
earth. I am his purgatory, his own, personal hell. Maybe 
I am all this to him, poor fellow, and if you don't mind 
I would like to introduce this character to you before I 
will tell about our years of wandering over many parts 
of this globe as persons without a country. Timothy, after 



all, cannot be denied his role in this book. Without hi 



im 



I might not even be alive anymore to overwork my type- 
writer. This, at least, will prove to you - that I ami 



For seve^-al years I had a weird feeling that I might 



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- 21 - 




CHAPTER TWO 



MEET TIMOTHY. MY CUARnTAN Ahirpi 





Somewhere I have read that 
266,613,336 angels remained loyal to God when Satan 
lost the battle and was banned to hell. I haven't got 
the faintest idea who ever counted these angels, but it 
must have been quite a task. In the meantime we can safely 
assume that the angel population in heaven has as much 
increased as the human one on earth. If there is a popu- 
lation explosion down here, it figures that there is 
bound to be one in heaven, too, unless Satan has been 
getting most of the human souls which, considering our 
mass behaviour over the centuries, is quite possible. 

Timothy is not exactly an advertisement as far as 
angels go. He is not very well educated. At times he can 
be very close-mouthed, especially about celestial matters. 
At other times he gets too gabby about anything concerning 
me or our relationship to each other. I don't know if each 
human being on earth is being protected by a guardian angel. 
Timothy won't tell me although it seems that Communists and 
Fascists are excepted. They go to hell anyway. He never re- 
vealed to me why guardian angels are assigned to some human 
beings and not to others or to all, as it should be. 

Please, let me insert here that I have discovered that 



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- 22 - 



f 



most people lack the imaginative inspiration to believe 
in the existence of guardian angels. So much more pity 
for them. It doesn't matter to me one whit whether or 
not you believe in guardian angels. The fact is that I 
am blessed or burdened with one. 

Knowing him now for so many years, I can honestly 
say that the name Timothy doesn't fit him at all, although 
he maintains that it was his given name on earth and that 
it has not been changed when he barely managed to squeeze f 
into heaven instead of going to hell. It had been just a 
fluke of good luck. 

Quoting from "The New English Bible" (published by 
the Oxford and Cambridge Universities Presses) the first 
letter of Paul to Timothy started with these words: 

"From Paul, apostle of Christ Jesus by command of 
God our Saviour and Christ Jesus our hope, to Timothy 
his true-born son in the faith." 

Well - my guardian angel Timothy could not have been 
a true-born son in the faith. From what I have gathered, he 
had been anything but a saint during his lifetime on earth. 
In fact, he had been so much amiss in his religious faith 
and duties as well as his human behaviour that he had not 
expected to over be admitted to heaven. But admitted he 
was, and after many years of induction, instructions and 



menial services, in none of which he excelled, he was 



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- 24 - 




finally assigned to me as a form of penance for failing 
to conform with the general rules and regulations in 
heaven. He doesn't make a secret of his feelings. He 
dislikes his job and consequently did let me suffer a 
great deal, but quite obviously has stuck to his orders 
to keep me alive until my foreordained time on earth 
will have been spent. 




Before I'm going to tell you how I got 
to know about Timothy, I cannot help but digress for a 
while. You'll have to get used to my way of reporting. 
I like to get off the tangent every once so often. 

We ordinary human beings do not really know what 
life is all about. It is truly astonishing that we manage 
to live it for better or worse, although I have a sneak= 
ing suspicion that the majority Cf us live our life for 
worse. We are too much engrossed with our material well- 
being and thus neglect our spiritual and mental welfare 



which alone can lead us to salvation. More and more 



we 




recognize the bad shape this world of ours is getting 
into, but then - of course - whenever has it been in good 
shape? Human beings have never learned from history and 
consequently still don't know how to live in peace with 
one another. The bible tried to teach us to love our 
neighbors, but then also it tells a lot about wars, sins, 



€ 



obscenities, violence and bloodshed. More and more often 
it occurs to mc that Satan - at least temporarily - has 
become more powerful than God. We cannot deny that lately 
he succeeded in brainwashing more people than ever before. 
How otherwise could have godless Communism triumphed or 
even come into existence and grown so mightily? How other** 
wise could it be possible that so many people in the world 
have become blind, dumb and deaf that they won't see the 
evil which Communism represents? 

It so happens that I strongly believe in the goodness 
of God despite all the signs to the contrary. I trust that 
His omni-potence and omni-science will prevail. Somewhere 
in the bible it says that "Wisdom is better than weapons 
of war". I wonder why God has given us so little wisdom? 

And that brings us to the second letter of Paul to 
Timothy as quoted from "The New English Bible": "You must 
face the facts," so wrote Paul, "the final age of this 
world is to be a time of troubles. Men will love nothing 
but money and self; they will be arrogant, boastful and 
abusive; with no respect for parents, no gratitude, no 
piety, no natural affection; they will be implacable in 
their hatreds, scandal-mongers, intemperate and fierce, 
strangers to all goodness, traitors, adventurers, swollen 
with self-importance." 

It sounds frightening, doesn't It? Could it be that 



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- 26 - 






we are living now in the final age of this world? Paul 
very well described us as we are and behave in these 
times. But then he ends his letter with a prediction 
which might instill us with some hope for the future. 
"But their success will be short-lived, for, like those 
opponents of Moses, they will become recognized by every- 
one for the fools they are." 

Well, my contemporary citizens of the world, when 
will we take a spiritual stand to save mankind from self- 
destruction? I have grave doubts that we ever will. If by 
now we have not learned a single lesson human history should 
have taught us, do you think that we ever will? 

Do you truly believe that we ever will stop dissent= 
ing without violence, mayhem and bloodshed? Will we ever 
stop gambling and whoring? Will we ever bury our hatreds 
and prejudices? Or will we continue to make wars and kill? 
Will we forever remain strangers to the ideal of universal 
brotherhood? Will we forever stay convinced of our self- 
importance, forgetting that life on this earth is only a 
fleeting moment? Where in your opinion will it all end? 
I cannot but conclude that we are caught in a cul-de-sac 
and unless we manage to retreat together we will like 
goats butt our heads to pulp against the wall which we 
are facing at the end of the blind alley. Wlien dialogue 
stops, mankind is on the road to vanish from this earth. 



We can only \yUOf that Paul was ri^^lit and eventually wo will 
rccoj;nize what fools we have been and are. 

If I have been sermonizing, I apolo^;ize. I'm not, 
thank the Lord, an Evangelist, but my Timothy did compel 
me to insert these ideas. He asserts that tliere are pre = 
sently ruraors in heaven that once more Satan has declared 
open warfare on God, and if Satan should win - well, my 
friends and foes, you can well imagine the results. 

This increasing influence Satan exerts is a constant 
worry to Timothy. He doesn't like hell despite the miser= 
able assignment he had drav/n to protect me. 



I don't care whether you believe it or not, but 
the story hov; I first consciously met Timothy is the honest 
truth. I know the way you all think. A writer is an indi= 
vidual who by nature and profession tells tall stories. In flU 
way this may be right. A writer liwom and works by imagin= 
ation to a certain degree. He may let this imagination run 
wild once in a while or control it if he wants to. Neither 
a lie nor the truth can be told well without imagination. 
To be sure, imagination by itself is not alv;ays a contra=» 
diction to truth. Many of you certainly may think what the 
hell makes a writer tick. It's hard to explain. 

Robert Ruark states in his book "The Honey Badger": 
"A writer is a delicate, mysterious organism. |/obody ever 



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- 27 - 






knows quite what makes a writer. Pain and poverty may forge 
one, and might easily ruin another. Some write best in se- 
clusion; others can't write a line away from the clatter 
of Times Square. Riches spoil some and improve others. 
Some need deadlines - some need limitless time. Some need 
Spain or a South Sea Island, others are miserable outside 
a grimy hotel or a cold water flat." 

I need my own study, quiet with no outside noise like 
gabbing women neighbors . or loud TV. or telephone calls. 
I cannot write outside my study and without Annie close by. 
When she was in the hospital. I was unable to write a line. 
Most of us are compulsive writers. We would despair of life 
if we were prevented from writing the way we wish to write 
or about what we want to write - as those poor writers are 
in CommuntTor Fascist countries. When I work on a book, 
or a play, or a story. I want to be left alone except for 
the presence of Annie. However, like I myself few writers 
ever strike it rich. 1 abhor the pornographic, mentally 
aberrant, dope-flavored so-called literature which is 
presently so much in vogue. I simply do not understand how 
books like "Peyton Place" or "Valley of the Dolls". to name 
only two - can possibly have become best-sellers. I have 
tried to read then, - as well as a few others of the kind - 
and was so bored that I did not get beyond a hundred pages 
until I threw them into the waste basket where in my not so 



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- 28 - 



♦ 



humble opinion they belong. If I am old-fashioned, so bo 



it. 



I do not write for fame or riches. I like to dre 



am 



and by expressing my dreams In written words I free my= 
self from the bondage of dally drudgery, experleniBjby 



# 



those who have to work In jobs where all their lives 



they do the same chores, or essentially the same. Through 
writing I find the buried treasures each and everyone of 
us are consciously or subconsciously seeking. If I would 
write with the sole aim of making money and gaining fame 
(God forbid), I would not be happy. The meaning of success - 
or what is generally understood by success - is a very 
dubious and disputable one. I feel successful - not only 
because I have arranged my life without the many (mostly 
trivial) mental upheavals peopl(«)ring unnecessarily upon 
themselves - but also because I enjoy writing as I please 
and about what I please, and if I can contribute a little 
to the spiritual welfare and entertainment of a few readers, 
so much the better. Besides I agree with the philosopher 
Italo Svedo who said, "To write may be necessary, but to 
publish is not." 

Writing makes me free, makes me fight my own lonely 
battlet against a life of reality which is a burden. I can 
choose my own time and hours when I want to sit down and 
work, but then in order to work I do have to do a lot of 



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- 29 - 






thinking and dreaming and that quite often makes me 

asocial. I only can think as a fre^^an, beholden to none, 

not being at the mercy of a boss, an editor or an agent. 

I pity those writers who sell themselves into slavery by 

accepting jobs at one of the film-making or television 

programming industrial plants. To me writing is not only 

a compulsion, but more so a pleasant mystery like the 

waters of a river which flow and never stop flowing, 

like the mystery of time without end. A writer can - as 

Stuart Cloete wrote - "disappear into his private euphoria.' 

However, any writer, worth his salt, has to pay the 

penalty of being in some ways set apart from his or her 

fellow men. The profession of a writer is a lonely one, 

and if we want to create we better like our isolation. On 

the other hand we ^in a certain serene, inner happiness 
one / '^^ 

which no/ille can achieve. We are aware of what is called 
in Latin, "Habent sua libelli" which means that "Writings 
have their destinies". 

That, indeed, brings me back to the true story of how 
I actually found out about Timothy, my guardian angel. It 
happened on a warm Jul^ night in the year of 1918. I was 
sitting on top of an artillery bunker at a hillside away 
from the enemy side. How I got there does not matter. I 
knew that in another ten or fifteen minutes I would be 
part of a storm attack through a mined field. I wasn't 



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- 30 - 



actually scared (teenagers don't scare easily), but I 
wasn't overjoyed either. Even as a young man one can make 
peace with death. I had done so - at least so I believed. 
I was sitting on the underground bunker all by myself, 
meditating whether or not I would survive the next few 
hours. The odds were against it. 

"Come on," some one said to me in a kind of whisper. 
"You can't sit here any longer." 

I awoke from my reveries and looked up and around. 
It was quite dark and I couldn't see a damned soul close 
to me. I thought that I had been dreaming. 

Again I heard the same whispering voice, urging me to 
abandon my seat on top of the bunker. 

"Go to hell," I said. I certainly wasn't in the mood 
to be spooked because I was quite comfortable where I was. 

"Jesus Christ," the voice swore, "that's the one place 
I don't care to go to. Do me a favor and don't act like a 
stupid fool. Or do I have to drag you away?" 

"You don't have to do anything," I said. "Who are you 
anyhow?" 

For a short moment there was silence, and I felt sure 
that my imagination had played a trick on me. This was surely 
a weird night, and I wasn't in a normal frame of mind under 



# 



the circumstances. 

"I'm your guardian angel," I heard the voice again. 



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- 31 - 




and It was not one that recommended trust. It had a kind 
of rasping or perhaps grating sound as if it emanated from 
an old, churlish person, "fretfully, I have been assigned 
to you. I want you to know, you were not my personal choice." 

That was the last straw. I shook my head to clear my 
my mind. "Guardian angel, my foot!" I told him. "This isn't 
the time for practical jokes. Now you do me a favor and 



vamoose. 



It 




"I can't do that, please," the voice beseeched me. "If 
it were up to me, I would go away. I don't like these silly 
wars, but it so happens you're my punishment and I've orders 
to stick to you, nevermind where and how. A celestial order 
can't be disobeyed." 

It really was weird and spooky. Any minute now we would 



be called to march the few miles to the front lines. I 



was 




determined to ignore that darned voice, but somehow I could 
not. I had been caught like a fish in a net. 

"Do you have a name?" I asked 

"Timothy." 

"I don't believe it," I taunted him. 

"Who cares if you believe it or not. You've got to get 
up and run on the double to that big boulder over there and 
drop behind it, flat on your stomach. You better listen, or 
I'll have to transport you there in my own way." 

"I don't have to do anything, and I don't like to lie 



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- 32 - 



flat on my stomach," I objected, although running on the 
double and crawling on my stomach was part of my training 
which hopefully would be of some help in the forthcoming 



attack. 



h 



The voice sighed in despair. "Man, you're a stubborn 
ass," it told me. "Go already before I punch your nose." 

I tried to detect the boulder, but I couldn't see it. 
"Where's that damned boulder?" 

"About twenty meter to your left, man," the voice 

you / 
informed me. "Please, get a move on^efore it is too late. 



If 



It 



II 



Too late for what?" 



For you, of course." 



"Go to the devil," I advised him. 

"I can't do that. Don't you understand? I work for 
the competition." 

"I must be getting nuts," I said aloud. 

I never kn^ what came over me, but suddenly I jumped 
down from the top of the bunker and ran on the double in 
the direction of the boulder. When I got to it I ducked 
behind it flat on my stomach. 

At that very moment one of the occasional enemy ar« 
tillery shells came whizzing along and hit with pin-point 
precision the top of the bunker (no one was inside)where 
I had been sitting. Boy, I was shaking all over. God Al- 
mighty, if I had not listened to that voice, I would have 



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- 33 - 




been totally disintegrated. That shell, whether by unholy 
design or not, must have had ray name on It. After a while, 



when the dust had 



settled, I sat up, looked about, * 





hoping to see the man to whom that voice belonged. The 
whole thing boggled my Imagination. 

"Are you still around, Timothy?" I ventured to ask, 
not yet sure If I was just crazy or not. My feeling was 
that I definitely must be. As a matter of fact, I'm crazy 
right now, or I wouldn't tell you all this. I know, you 
won't believe me, nevermind what I'm going to tell you 
about Timothy In the course of this biographical chit-chat. 
Yet, I swear, It's the truth, the whole truth and - well, 
the truth as I know It. 

"Sure, I'm still around," Timothy replied. "I'll be 
always around, God help me." 

"That was a close one," I said, still unable to accept 
his assertion that he was my guardian angel. "Thank you 
for saving my life." 

"No need to thank me," he rebuffed me somewhat grouchlly 
"I haven't got a choice In the matter. If I had, I'd rather 
see you dead, pardon me. I happen to be a lazy guardian 
angel and generally you give me the creeps, getting your- 
self Into one scrap after another." 

This got my Ire up. It wasn*t my fault that I had been 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of It I 



- 34 . 



drafted Into the army. "How the hell 



M 



He didn't let me finish. "Please, never mention that 
place again. I'm allergic to It," he begged me. 

"All right. But how did you know that this particu- 
lar shell would land right there where I was sitting?-" 

There was another moment of silence. "That's my 
professional secret, but I better know these things. I 
can't afford to lose you yet." 

Another shell was whizzing over our heads and landed 
somewhere farther on. Involuntarily 1 had ducked. 

"No need to duck," Timothy said. "I'll let you know 
whenever It's aimed at you." 

"You really would do It again, wouldn't you?" 
"That's what I'm here for, although I wished this war 
would be over already. It's too much trouble for me to pro- 
tect you." 

The CO. blew the whistle for us to assemble and 
march to the front line for that storm attack. 

"Don't worry," I heard Timothy at my side, "I'll have 
to stick to you, but for God's sake listen to me and do as 
I'll tell you without a split second's hesitation. Is that 

clear?" 

I nodded, but It was funny. Really funny In a macabre 

sense . 

In that godforsaken noise of exploding mines, shooting, 

shelling and yelling I couldn't hear a dam thing, certainly 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 35 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of If. 



- 36 - 





not a word from Timothy. But I felt him pulling me down or 
up, pushing me forward or holding me back. All around me 
men were blown to bits and pieces. It was a bloody mess 
and whoever had ordered this attack must have known that 
it was plain murder. Later we heard a rumor that our storm 
battallion had to be sacrificed across this mined field so 
that the regular infantry could get through for the actual 
attack. They gained their objective, only to be thrown back 
a week later. Thus was the game of chess in war. We of the 
storm battallion had been the expendable pawns. Of the 
twelve hundred men in our battallion , who went in there 
first that Julj^ morning in France, only six came through 
alive or without a scratch. I was one of these six. 

On many other occasions in my lifetime I was in 
dire danger. There is no doubt in my mind that I Sever 



would 



have made it so far without Timothy. Once he 



even saved ray pareots ' s lives and please don't shake your 
fool heads. It's the honest truth. 




It happened a number of years later and I 
had gotten accustomed to have Timothy with me. As they did 
each summer my parents had booked a state-room on a night 
train which would take them to a health resort for a va= 
cation. Only this time Timothy interfered. I was not yet 
married and on the afternoon prior to the departure of my 



parents I was reading in my room. 

"Get up," Timothy told me, "and advise your parents 

to take another train." 

Sometimes he had a way of ordering me around which 
really irked me. I sighed. "You aren't their guardian 
angel," 1 rebuked him. 

"No, I'm yours, so God help me. As it is I've got 
enough trouble with you, but it scares me to think what 
you might do if you suddenly find yourself an orphan. 
You're kind of crazy, you know. Unpredictable, too." 

I closed my book and got up. I had learned never 
to ignore Timothy's counsel because he had not once 
intentionally fooled me or had played a practical joke 
on me. He was not the brightest guardian angel, I guessed, 
but he took his duties toward me quite seriously although 
he didn't enjoy them. Besides, he had little sense of 

humor. 

"All right, chum," I acquiesced, "tell me why my 

parents shouldn't take that train tonight?" 

"Do me a favor, don't ask questions and don't call me 
your chum. I'm your guardian angel, but not necessarily 
your pal. Vou just go to your father and tell him to change 
his reservation for the train tomorrow morning." 

"Just like that?" 
Ho, not Just like that. You've got enough imagination 



M 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 37 - 




to find some sort of reason for it." 

"All right. I'll try." 

"Don't try. Convince him for their own good." 

"Okay, 1*11 tell him that yoJTaid so." 

Timothy sighed in despair. "Idiot, he'll laugh at you 
if you tell him about me. He's one of those people who 
won't believe in the existence of guardian angels. That's 
why none was assigned to him. You stop him from taking that 
night train, even if you have to lock both your parents into 



their bedroom. Is that clear? 



II 



It wasn't. Sometimes he got my goat. "I can't lock 



my 




parents in their bedroom and you know it. Before I even go 
and talk to my father I want to know if guardian angels 
are infallible." 

That question truly seemed to upset him. He groaned. 
"Ji/ow, please, don't bring that nonsense up." 

"Why not? Ever since 1870 the Catholics claim that 
their Pope is infallible when he talks about faith and 
morals." 

"Let them believe what they want. It's their business. 
Infallible, my foot I Even God - so I heard - ha4 made His 
mistakes . " 




"Come now. As an angel don't you believe in the 
potence and omniscience of God?" 



omni' 



"Of course, I dol Heaven help me if I didn't. I' 



m 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 38 - 



t 



I 



still on probation. But, honestly, you've only to con- 
sider His creation of man. Don't you think He could 
have done much better?" 

"Maybe He had His reasons not to do better." 

"You've got a point there," Timothy conceded. 

It surprised me because he was the kind of character 
who would concedet nothing. "If you ever have read Spinoza," 
I continued our discussion, having all but forgotten about 
his warning in regard to my parents, "you'd remember that 
he wrote about what's being bad ai|d good are prejudices 
which the eternal reality cannot recognize.'* 

"Come now, don't start throwing quotations at me. 
I never heard about this Spinoza," Timothy objected angrily. 
"I told you, I'm not an educated angel. All I know for sure 
is that God is the eternal reality . ** 

"If you aren't infallible, why should I make my parents 



in?" 



postpone their trip? 

"Did I ever fail you? Please, do as I told you and 
stop arguing. You give me a headache." 

It was true, he had never failed me in all the years 
since he had revealed himself to me. Well, I went to my 
father and bluntly asked him if he had made his last will 
He thought that I was interested in how much he would 
leave me, for at that time I was a big spender. I set 
him straight that for once I didn't care for his money, 



Please, don't worry.' Nothing came of it! 



- 39 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 40 - 






but that 1 had an uncanny feeling in regard to that night 
train. I always followed my intuitions. I told him. and 
1 felt it in my bones that something was going to happen 
to that train. He was a stubborn man who didn't believe 
in intuitions. However. 1 didn't stop pleading and reminded 
him that my extra-sensory perception had been proven right 
before. That's how I had explained Timothy to him on pre= 
vious occasions whenever he didn't understand why I suddenly 
changed plans. He accepted E.S.P. to a certain extent. If 
I had told him about Timothy, I never would have persuaded 
him. He wasn't an atheist, but religion was so much humbug 
for him. God existed all right, but when it came to angels 
he drew the line. The presence of a guardian angel would 
be a joke as far as he was concerned. 

"All right," he finally yielded to my entreaties. "I 
don't want to hear anymore about it. If l wake up tomorrow 
in that train and am dead, you're lij.able to accuse me that 
you toK^me so." He went to the telephone and changed his 
reservation to the morning train. 

1 was still asleep early the next morning when my 
father woke me up and told me that he had just heard over 
the radio that that night train had been derailed and the 
sleeping car, in which he had booked his state room, 
was allegedly a total wreck. It was the worst train dis» 
aster In a hundred years - which of course was nonsense. 



There hadn't been any trains a hundred years ago. But 

as Timothy is my witness - all passngers in that particu" 

lar car had been killed. 

Standing at my bed, my father, who was no more than 
five feet four inches tall, looked down on me and asked 
in awe, "What made you think we were in danger?" 

1 heard Timothy whisper, "Don't tell him about me, 
or the next time I won't warn you. Anybody but you isn't 
actually my business, you know." 

"Well, I guess, sometimes I have a sixth sense," I 
tried to explain to my father. 

He nodded his head and spoiled everything by quot* 
ing Shakespeare that there are more things in heaven and 
earth than are dreamt of. 

I could hear Timothy chuckle. 

After I got married Timothy also took Annie under 
his protection. That was darned nice of him because he 
did so voluntarily and despite the fact that he always 
complained I alone was already too much of a burden for 



him. 



However, I have a sneaking suspicion that he also 



fell in love with Annie in some sort of strange celestial 
way. At least, he assured me that in his opinion she was 
much more deserving to be guarded than I. Nonetheless, Che 



son 



-of-a-gun didn't give us any advance warning about the 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 41 . 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 42 - 





hotel bed we occupied on our wedding night. It collapsed 
under us, which turned out to be quite embarrassing because 
someone in the hotel must have talked about it. The one 
and only newspaper in the small town, where we were, re- 
ported the incident with all the glee of a mischievous 
editor. For days afterwards people smirked at us when they 
saw us. Besides, we were the object of many funny innuendos 
and remarks - althbuth we didn't think they were so funny. 

I wonder, if I have convinced you that I do have a 
guardian angel. If you still doubt my veracity, I only can 
feel sorry for you. Lacking in imagination, so I believe, is 
very sad for anyone. It's like living without loving. 

Speaking of Annie, please let me tell you who she is. 
In case you aren't interested you may skip the next chapter. 
What do I care if you miss reading about the one and only 
romance in my life? 




CHAPTKR THRKh: 



WHO IS SHK? 



Quite often Annie attracts or 
rather has attracted the kind of attention which had 
nothing to do with the indisputable fact that she was 
a very pretty female and still is as far as I'm concerned 
If you don't mind, let me give you a "for instance". 
We were traveling in the slow, so-called daily 



mail train from Harbin to Hsingking which at the ti 



me 



was the capital city of Manchuria or Manchukuo as it 

was then called. How we had gotten into this predicament 

does not matter right now and here. We will talk about 

it later in the book. An>^ay , as chance would have it, 

we two were the only foreigners among the Chinese peasants 

and their families in this car of the train and probably 

in all of the train. Few, if any, of these good people might 

have seen or been so close to Europeans before. Like children 

they did not hide their curiosity, and we very much felt 

like freaks in a cicus side-show. Annie in particular was 

the object of their amusement, something in the order as 

if you or I would travel in the same compartment with a 

topless dancer who really traveled topless. 

Up to this day I have no doubt that these simple people 



were afterwards telling some tall stories in their h 



ome 



villages about Annie, the Yang kwei-tze, the funny, foreign 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 43 - 






devil, who had performed a strip-tease for them. She might 
even have become a kind of legend over the years. 

It was late October. The weather had been getting 
quite cold. For almost two weeks we had been riding on one 
train or another through part of Germany, all of Poland, 
Russia and Siberia. Now we were traveling through all of 
Manchukuo. By nature, Annie was quite allergic to cold 
weather, much more so than I. 

She began to unpeel, so to speak, after we had found 
two seats in the confounded mail train, in which we were 
not supposed to be in the first place. But through no 
fault of ours we had missed by less than a minute the 
Asia Express in Harbin and so had been compelled to take 
the mail train if we didn't want to miss our boat in 
Dairen the following morning. We did anyway, but that's 
another story entirely. 

Thus unwillingly Annie became the star attraction 
for the poor Chinese peasants who had bundled themselves 
into what was probably the only items of clothing they 
possessed, that is ragged quilted coats and baggy pants, 
held together by a rope around their midriff. Instead of 
regular shoes they wore thin, soft cloth slippers. Their 
babies were similarly drcssed«,but their pants had slits 
where their little behinds were, an innovation which made 
it easier for the mothers to let nature have its way. No 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it! 



- 44 - 



t 




diapers or little panties, which they did not know any* 
way, were necessary. When nature called, the mothers held 
their babies away from them, parted the slits and that was 
it. No trouble at all unless one would have been squeamish 
about the smell or the sanitation which these simple peasants 
were not. Annie and I, being so much in the minority, did 
not dare to voice or even show our disapproval. 

Gradually they congregated around us and the more 
Annie was taking off, the more amused they grew. They 
laughed and chatted and had a real good walla-walla which 
could mean a talk-feast or a gossiping session. What else 
could Annie do, but/laugh and smile back at her audience? 
If they had fun watching her, we had fun watching them. It 
was a new experience for all of us. 

The train was relatively well heated, at least too 
much for all the clothing Annie wore. She took off her 
fur coat, and as she did so, our fellow travelers saw 
that underneath she was wearing another coat, made of 
heavy, grey wool. She took that one off. I don't know what 
they expected, but she still had not reached her altogether. 
Under the grey wool coat she wore a woolen suit. That, 
indeed, was too much. The laughter grew hilariously. No- 
body in the world could ever wear so much. At least, they 
had never seen anything like it. It was not the end, but 
almost. Annie now took off the suit jacket and lo and behold 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it*. 



- 45 - 






under it she was wearing a wool sweater. She brought the 
house down. They really rolled in the aisles. They were 
so much/affected by laughter that they clapped their hands 
in sheer wonderment. What next? Would she also take off 
the sweater and what would be under it if anything? Their 
anticipatory fascination was beyond anything we had ever 
observed. Annie said to me that she felt like a strip 
teaser, but she would be damned if she would go any 
further with the show. She would not let them see her 
woolen underwear. They might die from laughter. Yet, hav== 
ing been an actress, she was hard up not to take a bow. 
she never had had such an appreciative audience. At last 
she sat down and unintentionally continued her performance. 

As she removed her rubber boots, her audience went 
down to squat on the floor, or those behind stood on the 
benches to have a better view at what was happening now. 
After all, this was a sensational, new experience - a 
"miserable" female who not only wore boots, but under them 
even a pair of shoes and stockings. Hei-ho, hei-ho, they 
thought, Annie and I must be rich land owners in our country 
that we could afford so much clothing. Nobody paid any 
attention to me, for I had one coat only and one pair of 
shoes. Finally, when the show seemed to have come to a 
close, they all got up again or stepped down from the 
benches. That was the moment when they discovered the 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of id 



- 46 - 





• 



upstanding, green feather on Annie's cute felt hat. Indeed, 
it was the punch line, the master stroke of comedy. Who 
ever had worn a feather on a hat, not to speak of a hat 
at all? They formed a line so that each one could pass by 
Annie and fingertip that feather, making it swing back and 
forth. Then at last they retired to their seats to discuss 
the phenomenon of this crazy foreign woman. 
Opposite from me sat an old Chinese with a straggly beard. 
After all the commotion had died down, he pointed at the 
feather on Annie's hat and sadly shook his head. Apparently 
he did not approve of a mere "miserable" wife who dressed 
like a peacock. Chinese peasant women were much too modest 
for that. But he was quite a friendly fellow. After a while 
he asked us, "Ho la ma?" (How are you?). Of course, we 
didn't know a word of Chinese and so just nodded, instead 
of politely answering, "Gay ho la nay no la ma" (Very well, 
thank you, hope you are too) . For a short moment the old 
man looked at us with a kind of pity. It dawned on him 
that we were very ignorant people who did not understand 
a word of Chinese which, however, did not keep him from 
conversing with us. For no reason I can explain I called 
the old man - Ottokar, a name that certainly did not fit 
him. It just came to my mind and to this day, whenever I 
think of him, he has remained to me - Ottokar. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing cnme of tt! 



- 47 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- ♦S - 





The old man took It upon himself to describe for us 
the landscape through which we were traveling. He chatted 
away as if we were old friends. From time to time I said 
a few words in German and he smiled with satisfaction al- 
though he understood as little German as we did Chinese, 
that is none at all. Nevertheless, we had a wonderful con= 
versation and all would have been well if he had not 
smelled so much of garlic that I got nauseated and had 
to smoke one cigarette after another to overcome his 
foul breath. 

When around midnight the train reached Hsingking, 
Annie reversed her performance. She stepped into her 
rubber boots, put on her suit jacket, then her wool- and 
finally her fur coat. Actually, she was not wearing all 
these garments only because it had been quite cold through 
Siberia and in Harbin, but more so because we had had no 
space for them in the suitcases we had managed to take 
along on our flight from Nazi-Germany. Once more our 
fellow travelers gathered around her. When she alighted 
from the train, they all bowed to her in deep reverence. 
Nobody took any notice of me. Only old Ottokar shook my 
hand in commiseration for having such a vain and miserable 
woman for a wife. 




to draw attention to herself, had happened many years 
before that show in the Manchurian mail train. It was a 
very cold winter day in Hamburg, Germany, and the two of 
us were briskly walking along a crowded douTitown thorough- 
fare. I began to notice that people stared at Annie, then 
smiled and even looked back when they had passed us. After 
a while I wondered what was the matter. I shifted my eyes 
to her and as they traveled from her head downward I dis=« 
covered to my dismay the reason why she had become the 
sinecure of all eyes. She was wearing a fur jacket which 
she held tightly together with her arms as a protection 
against the cold wind. That damned jacket had drawn her 
skirt high up and she was walking with her woolen, red 
panties exposed. 

Oh, I could cite many more "for instances'", but I 
better leave it be for the time being. 

Who is she? Her maiden name was "Milde'^ (mild in 

English), and she very much lived and still lives up to 

as / 
that name. She is/even-tempered as a storm which never 

breaks. She is not given to crying spells or temper tantrums 

and has a beautiful smile that I wouldn't sell for a million 

dollars. She does not know how to complain although she 

often had reasons for it. She is not a demanding or domineer' 

Ing woman. What we can't afford to have, we can't afford 



Another "for instance", how Annie managed 



to have, and that's that. She understands less about 



money 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 49 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itI 



- 50 - 




than I do, and in her case that is nothing. She has no 
head at all for any business deals, but thank God she 
"digs" me which is not very easy and certainly more than 
I do myself. She is the perfect wife for a writer, not 
gabby and as quiet as a mouse when I am working. She is 
a trustworthy critic and not afraid to tell me where I 
went wrong in her opinion. In most cases she's right, too, 
although I won't always admit it. There is no malice in 
her, and she can't tell a lie, even if it would kill her. 
No, that's not entirely true. Aside from official docu= 



men 



ts she would not tell the truth about her age. It 





even confuses me sometimes. 

It is quite a complicated job to be a writer's wife. 

f 
Stuart Cloete wrote in an articleabout "The Writer's 

Life": " The person to be sorry for is his wife. Hers is 

a lonely existence with rivals she cannot see. When he's 

working, a writer is absent-minded; when he's finished, he's 

used up and depressed, convinced he'll never write another 

line - until the next idea gets hold of him and he dis= 

appears into his private euphoria." 

Annie, indeed, never failed to cope with this kind of 
life and this kind of a husband. And that is a trait very 
few women possess unless they're writers theirselves. 

Who is she? She is not one of those demonstratively 
emotional women, thank God, and neither is she a typical 



housewife as she herself will admit. I could not live 
with a woman who prefers cleaning to reading, cooking to 
discussing events of the day, washing laundry to talking 
about literature. As far as house chores are concerned 
we keep them to a minimum and share equally in them. Most 
of our married life we didn't have a house to clean. We 
lived a nomadic existence and didn't care to possess our 
own furniture or whatever normal married couples cherish 
to own. We lived for each other and that sufficed as far 
as we were concerned. To ray estimate she always was and 
still is pretty and as I said has a million dollar smile 
which quite often pulled me through, in particular after 
the many massive operations I had to undergo. She doesn't 
panic and can take misfortune and fortune without getting 
all excited about it. We both had severe bouts with cancer 
and survived without making a great issue about them. Her 
faith in God knows no bounds and that is all one needs to 
live a happy life. We two always got along famously and 
still do so after many years of marriage. Our love for 
each other did not diminish, but has grown like wine 
mellows with age. We believe that we have two hearts and 
one soul. 

At the time wc got married no one gave us any odds 
that we would stick it out for more than a year. I was 
Jewish, but was not brought up to follow religious tra- 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 51 - 



Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of itl 



- 52 - 






dltions or dogmas in any way whatsoever. My father was a 
very liberal man who did not deny the ethical standards 
of Judaism, but accepted them without outside demonstrations 
The idea of regulated worship was anathema to him. A re- 
ligious person, so he believed, was not necessarily a 
good person. Consequently I was n^er officially confirmed 
to be a Jew, that is I did not go through the formalities 
of a barmitzvah. My mother, although she, too, never went 
to worship in a synagogue, strangely enough felt initially 
sad that I did not marry a Jewish girl. 

Annie was Catholic and had been reared in a convent. 
Her folks, in contrast to mine, were blindly orthodox and 
threw her out when they learned she was engaged to a Jewish 
boy. Such are religions. They induce people to act ridicu* 
lously divisive, 

Annie and I had never any trouble in that respect. We 
never did prescribe to any organized religious sect. It is 
our opinion that religion actually boils down to human be= 
haviorism and relation to one another. Otherwise it is 
nothing but a crutch. If we had had children, we would 
have brought them up with faith in God and no more. What- 
ever religion they would have or not have chosen, that 
would have been their own business. Neither would we have 
objected if they had wanted to marry a Chinese, a Negro, 
or a Hottentot. As wo judge a person only by his or her 



character, cultural and educational standards as well as 
individual merit, so we would have Judged their chosen 
mates in the same manner. Nobody, not even parents, have 
the right to interfere with any grown-up person. We do not 
know, though, how we would have acted to any child of ours 
if he or she would have embraced either Communism or Fascism 
That is a question neither of us can answer now because we 
feel very strongly about it. We cannot abide extremism. 

We two literally met on the stage. I was her director 

a/ 
and she was/completely inexperienced, naive young actress. 

At first I didn't take much notice of her other than I 

thought she had a funny face. She still has. Then all of 

a sudden, as if a veil ha^ fallen from my eyes, I took to 

her so hard that I didn't let her reject me, although she 



was determined never to marry. I pursued and brainwashed 

yielded. / 
her until she finally/iji 



She had one 



great asset in her favor. Ever since her early childhood 
she had been an orphan, brought up by an aunt and uncle. 
At least I didn't have to cope with parents-in-law. I al- 
ways thought that one set of parents, as wonderful as they 
were, was sufficient for me. 

It was quite silly to predict that our marriage could 
not last long because supposedly we came from two different 
worlds. There is only one world for all human beings and 
any difference among them are of our own makings. Anyway, 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 53 - 





our marriage has now happily lasted for very many years 
although It had not been sanctified by a priest, a rever- 
end or a rabbi. We were satisfied to swear our allegiance 
before a justice of the peace. After all, any marriage 
certificate Is just a piece of paper with no guarantee 
attached that the promises It contains will be kept. It 
Is nothing but a treaty between two parties and If treaties 
would always be adhered to, then we would have neither 
divorces nor wars. The same applies to Invocations by 
so-called raen-of-God. They are mere words, hollow and 
empty, If goodwill does not exist. In wars God Is called 
upon to help, abet and bless soldiers of two opposing 
armies. What kind of religious chicanery Is that? Does 
anyone with a sane mind believe that God takes sides? 
God here on earth Is represented by each single human being 
and no evangelist can change that. We are all children of 
God. Unless each one of us recogaczQ4 and accepts this 
simple fact we cannot live In peace. The few self-styled 
representatives of God I have met did not encourage me to 
join any of their denominations. 

Our marriage started under the gathering clouds of 
rising Nazism. Even under normal circumstances a mixed 
marriage Is generally frowned upon. Under Hitler It became 




an outright crime. It Is a sad commentary that even today 
In the new nation of Israel a mixed marriage Is not recog' 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 54 - 



9 



nlzed under the law and children of mixed marriages are 
considered bastards. Why have the Israelis not learned 
from the Infamous Nuremberg race- laws? 

CXir life together was destined to be fraught with 
hazardous ventures, most of them through no fault of our 
own. I have little doubt that I must have been created by 
God when he was In a fighting mood. Through all my youth 
I got Into one scrape after another, and I had more black 
eyes and bloody noses than anyone else In my age group. 
fven before I was a teen-ager I didn't let anyone abuse 



me 



because I happened to be a Jew. Later on as a soldier 



I was anything but subservlant which certainly did not 
endear me to any officer of the Prussian variety. I still 
believe that in my own way I am as good a man as anybody 
else, and I will stand up for my rights the same as I 
will admit my errors. As I do not feel inferior to anyone. 



I neither do feel superior. 



f:^ 



The turbulence of the post Arst t/orld i/ar years, 
when Germany was in a constant state of paroxysm, cer= 
tainly drew me already Into an adventurous life. It was 
natural with me to join those groups who stood up against 
the evils of left and right extremism. It's not my nature 
to bend with the wind. In fact, I was almost constantly 
Involved against or for some vital political and social 
Issues. 



Please » don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 55 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 56 - 




Contrary to her sedate upbringing In a small, pro- 
vincial town and within the narrow confines of a dicta=- 
torlal religion, which demanded and expected total sub=» 
servlance and unquestioning obedience to its dogmas and 
rituals, Annie had within her the spark of rebellious 
opposition which broke into full bloom after she had 
hitched up with me. In short, she became as foolhardedly 
combative as I always had been. She as a non-Jew accepted 
the challenge of anti-Semitism. Like me she lacked the 
courage to be a coward. 





Our first adventure, a few weeks after we 
had gotten married , rose from the fact that I was scheduled 
to play the leading part in a play to which the few local 
Nazis in the small town vigorously objected. Not only 
did these nincompoops object/to the part and play, but 
they also objected to me personally, being the only Jew 
in the cast and even in the town where we were playing. 
On the afternoon of the opening of the play I went 
for a haircut to the one and only barbershop. Then and 
there three representatives of these brown-shirted morons 
approached me and quite frankly warned me that 1 would be 
the target of one of their shooting practices in case I 
Insisted in playing the part /that night. What else could 
I do but tell them to go to hell? They might have eventually, 



but they certainly did not do so that day. 

It happened at the end of the second act. The brave 

more / 
Nazi warriors - there could not have been /than half a 

dozen - menacingly advanced to conquer the stage and 

slay the villain -me. My fellow actors prudently (I 

use this polite adjective here advisedly, for it is a c j 

common human frailty not to want getting involved in some 

one else's troubles) retired. I had no choice but to stand 

my ground although I don't like to act the part of a hero 

if I can help it, but I disapprove of being a coward so 

much more. A coward, as I already had learned at this 

young age, dies a thousand deaths. Anyway, like Martin 

Luther at Wittenberge (or was it Worms?) I felt like 

shouting at these miserable imbeciles, "God help me I 



I II 



Here I standi I can't do otherwise 1 



Suddenly, though, I noticed that I had a co-defender - 
Annie. She had run out onto the stage and for lack of any 
real weapons she had grabbed the next best things that 
were handy - a hairbrush in one hand and a prop-brick 
(made of cardboard) in the other. She did not have the 
stature of a Brunhilde (the mighty female warrior in 
Germanic mythology), but the spirit of this legendary 
woman possessed her. With a hairbrush and a cardboard 
brick she rallied to my side to win or die with me. 

I cannot say why, but the sight of Annie with her 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 57 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 58 - 




pert nose^nhanclng her whiifclcal face, and her gentle eyes, 
now livid with scorn, stopped the storm troopers in their 
tracks. For a moment it looked like a stalemate, but then 
they turned about and retreated after having raised their 
right arras and shouting the Nazi salute "Heil Hitler". 
Annie definitely was the heroine. The audience, as well 
as our "prudent" fellow actors applauded her. It was her 
first great triumph on stage and she deserved it. She, too, 
had not much talent for heroics, but where I was concerned 
she never hesitated to stand up and be counted. 





You can bet your sweet life that whenever 
anything happens to me it won't happen in the ordinary 
way and without any dramatic impact. Over the years Annie 
has gotten used to it, but so short after our wedding it 
still makes me wonder that the events did not leave her 
with some traumatic shock. On the evening following the 
ludicrous Nazi attack I was stricken by appendicitis .fllBr 
The entire incident could well be called a comedia d'el 
arte or a fa4ce if my life had not been at stake. At that 
time appendicitis was often fatal. Timothy was too much 
annoyed to be disturbed, but nonetheless assured me in 
his grouchy way that I won't be dying. 

There was only one over-aged general practitioner in 
town and a retired navy surgeon whose medical reputation 
was not the best. Both of them had already gone to bed 



^ 



and did not take it kindly to be rudely awakened out of 
their slumber. After a cursory medical examination I 
was taken on a stretcher with torch bearers fore and aft 
to the so-called local hospital. Our landlady assured 
Annie that we were all in God's hands, a superfluous, 
unctuous reminder because she was always well aware of 
it. The question remained, though, how well God's hands 
were guiding the hands of the two medicine men. I had 
felt too miserable to tell her about Timothy's assurance. 
Not yet married two months Annie learned her first lesson 
that being my wife was fraught with dramatic surprises. 
She followed the swaying stretcher and torch bearers 
through the narrow, dark streets - a kind of medieval 
procession if there ever was one. In a theatrical way 
it was a badly written scene as if lifted from a classic 
opera in which heroes and heroines ridiculously die for 
at least ten minutes, singing their hearts out to the very 
last moment. Luckily for Annie she could not foresee that 
in another thirty years (what young couple ever imagine 
that they still would be together in thirty years?) I 
would make surgery an almost continuous feature in my 
life. But as young and inexperienced as she was, she kept 



•^«. 



her cool although she was tretbling from fear on the inside. 
It was her nature not to let her emotions take full control 
of her. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it; 



- 59 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 60 - 






The so-called hospital was a narrow, ancient two 

story brick building, behind which a small, but rapid 

and noisy waterfall could drive any patient to a nervous 

breakdown. The upper floor was one big hall, containing 

sixteen cots. That night only one was occupied by an old 

drifter who suffered from delirium tremens. On the ground 

floor was a single private room with an old, creaking 

bed that was even too short for me although I stand only 

five feet six inches in my stockinged feet. Another larger 

room served as the general practitioner's office and in 

case of an emergency as the surgeon's operating theatre. 

No sane resident in the little town would let that surgeon 

even lay a hand on him or her unless the emergency was one 

where the patient could not be transported to a hospital 

some thirty mountainous kilometer distant. A single, 

elderly nurse, who had her living quarters also on the 

ground floor, was on duty twenty- four hours a day but 

take / 
she did not /very kindly to a patient who rang for her after 

ten p.m. It did not faze me a bit. Whenever 1 had need of 

her, I called for her with such insistence that she had 

to get out of bed and come to see what was the matter with 

me. Neither did she care to show her displeasure, nor did 

she bother to throw a robe over her flannel night gown. 

Disgruntled as he was, the retired navy surgeon with 

the assistance of the over-aged general practitioner succeeded 



in removing my appendix in one piece although it was on 
the point of bursting. 1 guess, Timothy made sure that 
nothing was done which could ^danger my life. However, 
it took the two doctors close to three hours which poor 
Annie had to sweat out on a wooden bench in the hall 
where behind a window the waterfall worked on her nerves in 
the manner of a Spanish torture. 

The next day and each day as long as I was in that 
hospital the local newspaper issued a medical progress 
report about me. At that time, years before Hitler came 
to power, the citizenry like in any democratic country 
still had the right to make their opinions known by 
letters to the editor, and they were with one exception 
all in favor of me. How I ever could have fallen victim 
to appendicitis as a result of what the letters to the 
editor claimed to be was "an uncalled-for, shameful attack 
by the brown storm troopers" is impossible to figure out, 
but that seemed to be the general idea in town. In fact, 
these "poor" brown devils were urged by public opinion 
to apologize to me and on the third day a delegation of 
two appeared at the hospital with the intention to do 
penance. This probably was the one and only time in the 
history of Nazidom that any member of the S#A, or S.S. 
ever tried to beg forgiveness fromj/a Jew. I told the 
nurse to throw them out. Apologies were not acceptable 



' >MWiti||iWMlimi 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



- 61 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 62 - 





to me. It gave me a good feeling to add insult to injury 
although Timothy disapproved. He had been brainwashed 
that only the meek inherit the earth. I was anything 
but meek, sorry, folks. Later, after Hitler had taken 
over Germany, these same storm troopers killed the Jews 
first without apologizing afterwards. As heroes they were 
and remained a sad lot. 

Annie, though, never learned to restrain her fighting 
spirit in my behalf. Some •• years after the storm troopers' 
attack on me she pulled another "heroic", but more danger^ 
ous stunt. During the years prior to the Hitler regime 

I had become quite well known as an anti-Nazi and anti- 

r> an/ 

Communist writer. After 1933 I joined/fflt anti-Nazi re=: 




sistance underground movement as well as a Jewish organ= 
ization to help Jewish artists who were the first victims 
to lose their livelihood under the Nazi regime. No doubt, 
I had been and remained a thorn in the eyes of the Nazis, 
but for some time and for reasons unknown to me they left 
me alone. 

One day, Annie and I walked along one of Hamburg's 
most famous boulevards, the Jungfemstieg (literally 
translated: The street of the Virgins although I defy 
anyone who dares to claim of ever having seen a virgin 
there, since it was a favorite yolace for higher class 
street walkers). A newspaper "boy" (he must have been 



in his twenties) , wearing a brown Nazi storm trooper uni- 
form, was exclusively selling the infamous weekly Nazi 
periodical "Der Stuermer" (The Stormer) , published and 
edited by the obscene, filthy-minded Nazi Gauleiter 
Julius Streicher. It so happened that in that week's 
paper my name was featured in the headline. "Hear all 
about the Jew-Bastard Max Berges" the storm trooper news=» 
boy yelled. That was too much for Annie. It didn't disturb 
me. Actually, I considered it an honor to be worthy of 
being the subject of Streicher' s excrementitious mind. 
I told Annie so, but she couldn't see it my way. The 
very moment we passed this brown- uniformed newspaper 
seller she turned on him with all the fury of a female 
knight in shining armor or rather a female chevalier 
sans peur. She grabbed the stack of newspapers and threw 
it into the gutter (where it really belonged, I had to 
admit). The man was so surprised that he didn't put up 
his dukes in time. Annie did not only give him a tongue- 
lashing, but also hit him over the head with her umbrella. 
Naturally, a crowd began to gather around us and the 
situation became essentially dangerous. I had no choice 
but to pull Annie away before other storm troopers could 
be attracted. We were lucky not to have ended up in Ge- 
stapo headquarters which already was known as a place 
where unbelievable brutalities were perpetrated on anti- 





Please, don*t worryl Nothing came of it 


! - 63 - 


Nazis and Jews. I was both. 




h Yet - believe it or not - I was no 


stranger at Ge« 


stapo headquarters. In fact, I had been 


a regular "visitor" 


there because I was in a position to be 


of help to some 


of my fellow Jews by being the contact man between them 


and the Gestapo. Each time I went there 


I took my life 


in my hands, but in 'the end and by some 


fortunate happen=» 


stance I was saved from being arrested and most probably 


being killed in a concentration camp-^on 


which proved to 


be my last visit to Gestapo headquarters. Later Timothy 


claimed that he had arranged the entire 


rescue mission. i 


He might have and I tend to believe him 


because my case 


i was/ a singular one although it did fit 


well into the 


many dramatic aspects of my life. 




After Hitler had come to power the 


German Jews were 


forbidden to enter any public place like a restaurant. 


a theatre, a movie house or whatever else. A small group 


of Jewish artists and others founded the Jewish Kultur= 


bund (Jewish League for Culture) , the aim of which was 


to employ only Jewish entertainers (who 


like me had been 


dismissed and could not perform their profession anymore) 


by Organizing concerts and theatrical performances for 


exclusively Jewish audiences. We were obliged to submit 


L in detail each manuscript or program to 


the Gestapo for 


censorship and permit. I was elected to 


do just that for 



Please, don*t worryl Nothing came of it I 



- 6'* - 



reasons which are of little importance anymore. I had to 
go to Gestapo Headquarters once a month. It was quite an 
unpleasant job which again and again I undertook with 
trepidation. The Gestapo agents were like vipers. One 
never knew when they would strike. 

Each time I was led to the same office to see the 
same man to whom I had to submit our programs and manu- 
scripts. He kept them and called me back several days 
later to pick them up again after he had censored them. 
Of course, he had neither the education nor the experience 
for such a job and seldom discovered any of the subtle 
and sometimes not so subtle anti-Nazi innuendos we had 
built into our programs. Generally he blue-penciled the 
wrong lines. Like most of the fanatical Nazis he lacked 
a sense of humor. 

On ray visit in October of 1935 a mistake occurred. 
I was led to the wrong office to a man whom I had known 
prior to 1933. He had been a member of the Social-Democratic 
Party, the real arch-enemy of the Nazis. He - like some 
others - had been delegated to infiltrate the Gestapo as 
spies. Most of them were later exposed and executed. At 
seeing me, he almost did a double flip. I was the last 
person he expected. Not wasting a moment's time he in«» 
formed me that he had just seen the list of the next series 
of arrests which would go into effect in three days. My 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 65 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 66 - 






name topped that list. Someone had denounced me as a member 
of our underground group. He gave me one advice: Don't 
hesitate. Get out of Germany and get out without delay. 
The most I had were forty-eight hours. He also warned me 
not to draw any or all of my money out of my bank account. 
The bank was duty-bound to report it to the Gestapo who 
then immediately would take me into custody. 

Naturally, I didn't submit the programs and manuscripts 
we had prepared for the following month, but left the omin- 
ous building as hastily as I could without arousing special 
attention. I really was on the spot. Although I had suc- 
cessfully managed many times to smuggle other people in 
danger of arrest out of Germany, I could do little or 
most probably nothing for myself just then. As bad luck 
would have it, all my contacts were unavailable for some 
reason or other. Luckily I had had the foresight to acquire 
passports for Annie and myself before Hitler came to power. 
They were still valid. Moreover, I had enough ready cash 
stashed away. I always had known that the day would come 
when we had to quit Nazi-Germany in a hurry. 

I cannot help but admit that Timothy was on the ball. 
I had not walked away from Gestapo Headquarters for more 
than a hundred yards when I literally bumped into a man 
whom I had met once. His name was Moritz Pfeiffer. 



me. He said that I was God's answer to his troubles. It 
turned out that he was also the answer to my troubles. 
Walking along toward the next street car stop, he told me 
that he was born in Tientsin, China, and that his parents 
were now living in Shanghai. All this may sound like a 
fairy tale, but it was true, so help me God. He wanted 
to go back home, as he called Shanghai, but he didn't 
have and couldn't get the money for the trip. He was 
stone broke and nobody would lend him a cent. He was 
small and chubby with the dishonest face of a sly con- 
man. Despite my predicament, which somehow stunted my 
thinking processes, I should have asked him why his 
parents didn't send him the money or why he had not 
tried to interest the Jewish community council in his 
case. Normally I would have inquired, but at this very 
momenmothing else mattered bH^getting Annie and myself 
out of Germany. I just listened to his proposition and 
accepted it on its face value because it showed me the 
way out of our dilemna. 

This man Pfeiffer assured me that it was a cinch for 
him to get Chinese entry visas for us without delay and 
any trouble. By helping us, all we had to do was lending hi 
fifteen hundred Mark so that he could return to Shanghai. 
His parents would pay me back the day we arrived there. 



m 



This Pfeiffer fellow was tremendously happy to see 



It seemed to be an#excellent bargain since according to 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It! 



- 67 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 68 - 






new Nazi laws ^emigrants could not take more than twenty 
dollars per person out of Germany. The time to organize 
our flight was so short that we had to obtain immigration 
visas fast In order to make the forty-eight hour deadline. 
Besides by lending Pfeiffer the money we would not be 
totally destitute after we arrived in Shanghai. I agreed 
eagerly that early the following morning Annie and I 
would meet Pfeiffer at the Chinese Consulate. After we 
had gotten our Chinese entry visas I would hand over to 
Pfeiffer fifteen hundred Mark in cash for which he would 
sign an I.O.U. Furthermore, I insisted upon our traveling 
together and thus would arrive at the same time in Shang= 
hai where his parents would repay me in Chinese currency. 
It seemed to be a very simple transaction. Please, don't 
worryl Nothing came of itl 

In his enthusiasm Pfeiffer called me his saviour. As 
I learned too late, I could have gotten the Chinese visas 
without him. Besides he did not advise me in advance of 
the necessary travel permits through Poland, Russia and 
Manchuria. All one had to do - so I found out in Shanghai - 
was to fill out application forms at the Chinese Consulate, 
pay the required fee and one would get the visas without/ 
any trouble. The fuss Pfeiffer acted out for us had no 
meaning at all. However, I do not think I would have 
thought of immigrating to China if it hadn't been for him. 



Savior? Perhaps. But sucker also starts with an "s*'. 

When I came home to our suburban apartment, I told 

Annie that within the next two days we were leaving for 

Shanghai. Just like that, never figuring she would or 

could be stunned by these news. During the almost two 

years, since Hitler had come to power, we had talked 

quite often about the necessity to emigratefit a moment's 
notice / 

/on account of my anti-Nazi activities, past and present. 
We had little doubt that one day they would catch up with 
me . 

That's why I had no qualms to impart the news to 
her without any preliminaries. However, her emotional 
reaction surprised me. She was actually stunned at first 
when this illusionary possibility had changed into fact. 
I should have known that a woman has deeper roots than 
a man. Besides, so she reasoned, one doesn't just go to 
Shanghai. One just doesn't travel uncounted thousands of 
miles to another, absolutely strange continent and country, 
inhabited by very strange people (the only Chinese we had 
ever known was our laundryman) with the knowledge that this 
would be a sort of final move. One just doesn't leave be=» 
hind all that was dear to oneself, our home and homeland, 
our relatives and friends without any assurance whether or 
not we would ever see them again. Going to Shanghai was 
something incomprehensible to her. We had talked about 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 70 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itI 



- 69 - 






going to Sweden, or England, Switzerland, or if at all 
possible to America - but China, the Far East - never. 
I could as well have told her we were going to the moon. 

It took her minutes to recover and then she asked 
if we were going by boat or train and how would we manage 
to make a living there? If nothing else, women are always 
practical, even under the most trying circumstances. I 
had no answer yet to these questions other that Shanghai 
would be much better than a concentration camp where I 
would land within the next few days unless we succeeded 
in our flight. 

For some fifteen years prior to the day Hitler took 

over I had worked hard to buiM a career for myself. By 

the end of 1932 success was just around the corner. I 

mi^ht have / 

had signed the kind of contracts which/put me over the 
top. But with Hitler not liking the Jews I had been 
stopped short. I was not anymore allowed to follow my 
profession. All my contracts were cancelled. It meant 
the end of my dreams, my hopes and ambitions. Now in 
October of 1935 my very life was at stake and I better 
took care of that. I could do very well without a con= 
ccntration camp where I certainly wouldn't stay alive 
for long. I wasn't the kind of man who wouldn't hit 
back when I was hit. I n^or had been able to keep my 
mouth shut in regard to my low esteem of the N izis and 



Communists. To this day I believe that neither the Ge- 
stapo nor the Waffen SS (Black Storm Troopers) would 
have succeeded in changing my obstinateness , tortures 
or no tortures. Moreover, Annie - although she might 

not have been arrested being an Aryan despite the fact 

a/ 
that in the opinion of the Nazis she was contaminjted tff 

as the wife of a Jew - would neither have kept quiet. We 

both had been in the forefront of the anti-Nazi resistance. 

It would have been more than foolish not to heed the warn- 

ing. The time had come - as we had expected it would - to 

get out and stay out. A martyr among millions of martyrs 

not have been / 
would/Sl a contribution to the anti-Nazi cause. As a 

writer and speaker I could be of better use outside of 

Nazi-Germany. Anyway, I could not see myself in the role 

was / 
of a martyr. That/not my style. 

Annie's initial shock wore off as quickly as it had 
hit her. Bless her, she had the heart and willpower of 
an Amazon as long as we two would not be separated. We 
were a team, and that was all which counted to her. 

"When are we going to leave?" she asked. 

"Day after tomorrow. Late in the evening or at night." 
I assured her as if everything was already settled. 

She wanted to hear my story in full and I gave/her 
a detailed account. Of course, being a writer and an actor 
she knew that I had a habit of partially fictionizing my 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 71 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of ttl 



- 72 - 




non-fiction, and so she asked, slightly suspicious, "Is 
that all for real, or do I have to get my blue pencil?" 
For years she had been my literary conscience. Her 
blue pencil had done quite a job on anything I had written. 
We always had worked together. 



11 T •- t 





It's for dead real this time," I told her and she 
believed me. 

Without any further ado she got up. "All right, in 
that case we better start packing." 

There would be not much packing. We couldn't ship 
anything out without arousing suspicion. All we could 
take with us was what we could carry ourselves. We grieved 
most about abandoning my books, some of which were quite 
valuable. Nonetheless, we packed thirteen suitcases in 
two days aside from rushing from one consulate to the 
other in order to get all the permits we would need. 

Of course, thirteen suitcases (two of which we filled 
with canned food of all kinds like pumpernickel, crackers, 
coffee, tea, sausage and butter) were too much of a load. 
Once we had crossed the German border we could not afford 
to hire porters anywhere. Somehow wo would have to manage 
carrying the cases from one train to the next. But the 
food was necessary because our paid fare included meals 
only on the Trans-Siberian Express through Russia. A 
friend of ours exchanged for us at his bank the required 



amount of German Mark into forty American one-dollar 
bills. We couldn't dare to apply for a special ex« 
emption to take more money with us, and we couldn't 
take the chance of smuggling any more money out in case 
we were searched at the German border. We were lucky at 
that to be able to pay for our entire fare from Hamburg 
to Shanghai at the Russian Intourist travel-agency. 

If the Gestapo had had any suspicion that we had 
been fore-warned, they would have put us under constant 
surveillance. Apparently they had not done so. Otherwise 
our visits to the Intourist office and the several foreign 
consulates would have given us away. 

As Pfeiffer had predicted we had no difficulty in 
getting our entry visas into China, having valid German 
passports. After that we got the run-around. The Russian 
Consulate stubbornly refused us transit visas unless we 
obtained first the Polish transit visas. The Polish Con^ 
sulate played the same game. No Russian transit visas - 
no Polish ones. We ran back and forth and our time got 
shorter and shorter. Moreover, if some one at the Russian 
Consulate would have recognized me as a former anti-Commu» 
nist column writer, we would have real trouble. If they 
granted us visas nonetheless, they might kidnap me in 
Russia. Timothy tried to calm me down by telling me that 
all would work out well. But what did he know? He could 



Please, don't worry I Nothing cnme of Itl 



- 73 - 






protect me from getting killed and that was all. I was 
wrong. I under-estimated the power of guardian angels, 
^e helf^^ the other in real emergency cases. Anyway, 
we had to take our chances and before the day was over 
I succeeded in persuading the Russian Consul to let us 
have the transit visaswith the proviso that they wouldn't 
be valid without the Polish transit visas. When the Polish 
Consul saw the Russian transit visas he relented and 
stamped his country's transit visas into our passports. 
That was all we could manage to do the first day with= 
out keeling over from sheer exhaustion. We went home, 
slept for a few hours and then finished our packing. 

The next morning we tramped to the Japanese Con= 
sulate for our transit visas through Manchuria. But there 
they played the same Russian game. The Japanese declared 
that Manchuria - or Manchukuo as they called it - was a 
sovereign state despite the fact that Japanese troops 
occupied it. Since Manchuria was not diplomatically 
represented in Germany we would have to buy our transit 
visas at the Siberian-Manchurian border. That was exactly 
what we didn't like. We could hardly afford to spend money 
on any visas after we had left Germany. Besides we didn't 
know how much we had to pay for them. On top of it - what 
would happen if we were refused the transit visas? We would 
be stranded for good. Who would come to our rescue? No one ^ 



Please, don't worry ! Nothing came of itl 



- 74 - 



-^ 



we surmised. However, we didn't dare to think about 
such an eventuality if we wanted to keep our sanity 
in tact. As it was, our future held nothing but un- 
certainty . 

I had no other choice but to rely on Timothy, but 
he began to act strangely. After insisting on knowing 
what was eating him, he explained that he wasn's so 
sure if he would get any celestial permit to accompany 
us through godless Russia. Ever since the Communists 
had taken over there only very few guardian angels were 
stationed in that country and these had to undergo special 
training first. I simply blew my top. I had had it. I 
told him to get that celestial permit or else we would 
have to go without him. If anything was going to happen 
to me, he would have that on his conscience. He said 
that he had not much of a conscience. Never had, in fact, 
but the possibility that he might be punished in case I 
met with disaster without him was another matter. He was 
certain that he would be penalized for neglecting his 
duties toward me. Anyway, he must have gotten his permit 
because (le never mentConed this nonsense again. It's my 
contention, though, that he invented the permit story be- 
cause he disliked nothing more than traveling. 

At the last moment my older sister hexed a second 

travel companion on us by the name of Schneider. He, too, 
had no money, but I had none left to lend him any. With 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 75 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 76 - 






the help of my sister he got it from another source. As 
it turned out, he was as much of a pain in the neck as 
Pfeiffer. 

During the last hours prior to our departure Annie 
grew scared. It was the first time I saw her crying. 
Suddenly she was overwhelmed by the idea that we had to 
tear ourselves loose from all we had cherished. She was 
overwhelmed by the idea that we just had to walk out of 
our apartment, leaving everything behind. Our thirteen 
suitcases contained only the bare necessities. We faced 
an unknown future as refugees. We faced a country that 
might as well be on another planet. We had to speak in 
a foreign language. The whole world, as she had known it, 
seemed to collapse around her, and how could she or anyone 
accept a catastrophe of such magnitude? I stilled her 
tears and in all our life together I saw her crying only 
once more. 

I myself had a hard time to put up a brave front the 
very moment we closed the door of our apartment behind us. 
It constituted a frightening finality, a total break with 
the past which never could be bridged again. Then already 
we felt like fugitives as in fact we were. We had not com=» 
mitted any crime and yet we were fugitives. We had to flee 
from a country, our country, where humancAaws had been 

officially abolished. We knew that not the entire German 

of/ 
population had gone Nazi or did approve/IB^ iflBt Hitler. 



Yet, very few had dared to rise in protest. 
As in all national crimes the foremost guilt belonged to 
the silent majority. Even in the last free German election 
in March of 1933 Adolf Hitler and his party of thugs had 
not pulled more than forty-six to forty-seven percent 
of the entire vote cast. He was a minority leader. To 
this day it is my belief that the hard-core Nazis could 
not be called Germans and did not represent the majority 
of Germans. But Hitler had seized power to use it with a 
brutality that frightened the people into submission. Any= 
one who stood in his way was eliminated and the Jews were 
the principal object of his paranoiac hatred. It was the 
beginning of a tragedy that would engulf the whole world. 

At eleven p.m. on October 18th, 1935, we boarded the 
train to Berlin where we had to change to another one that 
would take us all the way through Poland to the border of 
Soviet-Russia, ruled by another mass-murderer - Joseph 
Vissarionovich Stalin. 

Then and there at the Hamburger Hauptbahnhof (main 

railway station in Hamburg) we said good-bye to my family 

and a few friends. We never saw anyone (with one exception) 

of them again and in our hearts we knew it. It was a tear* 

like many others / 
ful farewell although my parents /SBitbelieve^c hat 

not / 
Hitler could/last longer than a few months ■■01 or at 

most a year. They, at least, didn't feel the finality 



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Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



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of our separation. They scoffed at my conviction that 
the jj/azis were to stay for at least a dozen years. 

None of us took much notice of Pfeiffer and Schneider. 
They had no one to see them off. Besides, Schneider, wear- 
ing a ridiculous black cut-away suit, looked like a funeral 
director. 

At no time Annie faltered. She went where I went. 
She took what I had to take and sometimes more. She 
stood by roe as I stood by her. She is a great gal who 
could take it and still can as she has proved many times 
over, even after we had settled in America. She is my 
life and I am hers. We were and still are a team. We 
thank God for each day He is keeping us together. 



^ 



CHAPTER FOUR 



FROM WEST TO EAST 




Throughout the trip from Ham= 
burg to the Polish border (with a short stop-over and 
change of trains in Berlin where some good, faithful 
and courageous gentile friends of ours bade us farewell, 
unmindful of the danger of being publicly seen convers* 
ing with a Jew) Annie and 1 remained sitting in our com= 
partment in stolid postures most of the time. Now and 
then we exchanged a few meaningless words because we 
had a sordid feeling of mentally dehydrating. Pfeiffer 
or Schneider tried to talk to us every once so often, 
but all they got from us were grunts or stony silence. 
We were not sure if they understood that silence was 
the better part of valor as long as we were still in 
Nazi-Germany. Nobody else, of course, spoke to us. To 
any German it was too obvious that I was Jewish - as 
were Pfeiffer and Schneider - although I could have 
been Spanish or Italian or South-American. But a person 
with black hair and a fairly prominent nose aroused sus* 
picion in Nazi-Germany. We were pariahs or at least I 
felt that I was one. How quickly one could acquire an 
inferiority complex. Maybe, the idea that our lives de- 
pended on making it across the border affected me more 



tmm 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 79 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 80 - 






than I had deemed possible. Although many thoughts and 
emotions revolved In our minds, we would not have dared 
to express any of them. After two years of Nazy tyranny 
It had already come to the point where we would not trust 
anyone but our most intimate friends and relatives. In 
many cases, so we had learned, even they had betrayed 
and denounced friends and relatives for no other reason 
but to Ingratiate themselves with the Nazi authorities 
or as a result of Inhuman tortures. Most certainly our 
nerves were on edge as never before. We were unable to 
sleep o/L doze off for short moments of relief. We could 
not eat a bite. Our stomachs had closed up on us . I at 
least had the solace of smoking cigarettes, but Annie 
had never smoked before and didn't do so now. It was 
Impossible to shed our apprehensions that somehow some= 
where on the way the Gestapo would still catch up with 
us. How could we succeed In slipping away unnoticed? I 
was on their list as an enemy of the state. I was slated 
for arrest the next day or the very same night while we 
were about to cross the border. It would be a miracle If 
they had not telegraphed wanted flyers to all border 
stations. I tried to consult with Timothy, but he also 
was taciturn and didn't offer me any solace as to what 
was in store for us. He wouldn't commit himself one way 
or the other. 



The train reached the German border station a 
few minutes before midnight the same day we had left 
Hamburg. We knew this was It. Now or never. We pressed 
our faces against the window to watch what was happen* 
Ing on the platform outside. The sight was not very en= 
couraglng. Quite a number of people were taken off the 
train by SS men and forcibly led away. Would it happen 
to us, too? These few minutes of waiting for whoever 
would be ^<amining our papers and baggage seemed to be 
hours of infernal agony. We were so close to freedom 
and yet might be very far away. For a fleeting second 
I had the crazy Idea of grabbing Annie's hand and run 
for It - run to the other side and freedom. It was sheer 
Insanity. We would have been shot In the back or captured 
before we got out of the station. There were black-unl» 
formed SS men and Security Police every\^;here . Luckily 
I didn't succumb to an understandable panic. The other 
side was still quite a distance away. 

Pfelffer and Schneider were dozing unconcernedly. 

Goddamn them! They were two companions we could have 

never / 
done without. In all my life, 1 think, 1 had/felt so 

terrorized or would ever again. In moments when I was 

faced with real danger - and there had been many such 

moments - I had kept cool. It was not In my nature to 

lose my head when I needYlt most. But now I was close 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 81 - 



Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came of Itl 



- 82 - 




to it. Very close. Too close for our security. My heart 
was beating into my throat and looking at Annie 1 could 
see In her eyes that she would not have survived these 
few minutes without my presence. Timothy whispered to me, 



tiT ( 





I m getting bored, riding in a train." I could have 
punched his nose If that would have been possible. 

At last they appeared at our compartment door, a 
man In mufti who looked to us like a Gestapo agent (al= 
though they were actually not distinguishable from other 
civilians) and an# SS man, slick and arrogant in his 
form-fitting, black uniform. We had/to conjure up all 
our willpower so that our teeth would not Chatter. Ti= 
mothy hissed disdainfully, "PfffftI" to let me know not 
to worry. He could handle them with ease. We were ordered 
to open each and every one of our thirteen suitcases. 
Of course, we took them down from the overhead rack and 
opened them. A strange metamorphosis came over Annie. She 
suddenly bathed her face In a natural smile. It was so 
Incomprehensible that It Irritated me. How could she 
smile at our two deadly enemies? She was a wonderful 
actress and her smile was Irreslstable. She knew It and 
she used It as a defensive weapon. 

I on the contrary was prepared to resist If these 

two tried to take us outside. I rather would be killed 
^but/ 
/kHP go with them. Pfelffer and Schneider just remained 



seated, waiting for their turn while our suitcases were 
curslly examined. They were too stupid to be afraid. 

Annie continued smiling as If it all was a friendly 
game. The Gestapo agent took our passports, paged through 
them and said, "Quite a trip you're taking." 

"Yes, It certainly Is quite a trip," Annie responded 
without as much as a tremor In her voice. I think, she 
could have broken Into a song (she liked to sing at any 
time) and the two men might have joined her. Who could 
tell? The atmosphere had become so relaxed that It would 
not have surprised me. The Gestapo agent returned the 
passports and then Inquired how much money we had on us. 
I showed him the forty American dollars which he dutl= 
fully counted before he gave them back to me. 

"Xs that all?" he asked. 

Stupidly honest as I usually am, 1 took one Mark and 
sixty-five Pfennlge from my pocket. I didn't think they 
would have any objection to this small amount In excess 
of the twenty dollars permitted per person. They had not. 
The SS man took the cash and pocketed It without a word 
of explanation. There Is nothing more despicable than 
petty thieves. After looking at Schneider's and Pfelffer' s 
one suitcase each, their money as well as t h?lr passports 
they departed for the next compartment. The Gestapo agent 
threw one last smiling look back at Annie. I could have 



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Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itI 



- 84 - 





murdered him for it. My sense of humor must have gone 
awry at this moment, I guess. 

But then - oh, my God - then I took a deep breath 

Joyful/ 
and exhaled it with the most (feeling of happiness any 

one can eter experience. Annie had slumped down into 

her corner seat at the window. Pearls of sweat appeared 

on her forehead. Her smile must have cost her dearly. 

"That was quite a performance/' I praised her and 

would have liked to put my arras around her and kiss her. 

"I almost died," she whispered. "I almost died." 

I could well understand it. But it was over now. 

These two were the last Nazis we were to encounter - 

so I thought. I was wrong. We met more of them in Shang= 

hai and on our voyage from ■■ East to Mi West. We met 

them, clad in brown uniforms, marching on the yard of 

the German school which happened to be almost across 

from the house where we had rented a room in Shanghai. 

Many times we heard them singing the Nazi national anthem 

Song" 
"The Horst Wessel^: "When Jewish blood flows from our 

knives ." 




Have you ever been aware that a dream 
was nothing but a dream while you were asleep? If the 
dream was a nightmare could you then compel your sub* 
conscious mind to make you wake up and liberate you 



from this nightmare? I have had this weird experience quite 

often. 

When at last our train rolled out of the German 

border station, after the German crew had been replaced 

by a Polish one, and slowly traversed the no-man's land 

between the two borders, I felt that I was awakening from 

a torturous nightmare I had willed to end. Annie and I, 

holding hands, sat side by side. No words were necessary 

to express our gratitude to God and our happiness for 

being now out of reach of the Gestapo. In these few 

a thought / 
moments we did not even waste /about what was laying 

ahead, the danger of traveling through the Soviet Union 
against which I had as much agitated as against Nazi- 
Germany, or of the total insecurity which was the lot 
of penniless refugees. We just held hands and let the 
immense wave of relief wash over us like a cleansing 
detergent after the filth in which we had to wallow. 

For the first time in twenty-four hours I closed ray 

as/ 
eyes, and/T~did so a strange idea invaded my mind. 



1 1 



Now I am Ahasuerus, the wandering Jew," I said 



loud enough for Annie to hear. "Now I am that legendary 
poor Jewish cobbler who was doomed to live a wandering 
life until the day of judgment." 

I did not open my eyes and yet could feel that Annie 
was looking at me. 



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- 85 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it! 



- 86 - 






"No," she said, "you are not." 

"And why not?" I asked. "Do we know if and when our 
wandering will come to an end?" 

"The'/ls no beginning without an end," she explained. 

"How do you know?" 

"I just know." 

I wanted to remind her that eternity has no end, but 
I let it go. The crazy idea that I was reduced to being 
Ahasuerus, the poor Jew, destined to wander and wander 
forever, hit me so deeply and suddenly that I withdrew 
into my own soul and began to meditate about the mean= 
ing of life. As never before I felt the heavy burden 
that every one had to live his own life and die his own 
death whenever that will be. Your life, the way you con= 
duct yourself, the way you act and talk may make a few 
waves which may be felt by a few others. Your deeds and 
words may influence some of your friends or foes, but 
if it comes down to the basic truth, you alone own your 
life and you alone die your death. Therefore one should 
never feel that one's life or one's death is of any im= 
portance. It is nothing more than a fraction of a micro 
dot in the annals of human history. Each one of us is 
only a single issue of humanity, one among billions of 
others. A few may permanently leave imprints in the sands 
of eternity, but they can be easily counted. You live and 



you die and that is all there is to your existence 



on 



this planet. In between you try to pursue happiness and 
if you are born under a good omen you may find it. You 
may conquer ignorance. You may be able to reduce your 
prejudices and hatreds, for they, too, have little mean- 
ing. You live and contribute your infinitely diminutive 
share, good or bad, to the welfare or misery of mankind. 
But you do not count so much that all life will stop with 

yours. If you keep all this in mind while you live, then 

y^ so/ 
you cannot possibly take all the ti^vialities/seriously 

that you allow them to bother you. You will not anymore 

be disturbed by a speck of dust on a piece of furniture 

because in the end you yourself will be only a speck of 

dust in all eternity. 

It is written in the bible (Job 5:7): "Man is bom 

unto trouble, as the sparks fly upwards." 



I woke up from my day-dreaming and opened 
my eyes. Annie must have watched me. The moment I looked 
at her she smiled. That beautiful smile on her pixy face 
never failed to enhance me. But then I remembered. 

"How did you ever manage to smile at these two Nazis?" 
I asked her. 

"I didn't smile at them," she said, shaking her head. 
"I smiled because the thought occurred to me that we were 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 87 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 88 - 




leaving Nazi-Germany while they had to stay behind. You 
know, I could foresee the day when they' 11 envy us if 
they're still alive then. I thought, the day surely will 
come when they will consider us the lucky ones." For a 
moment she stopped, then she continued in a manner as 
if she could see into the future. One day, though, Ger* 
many will be Germany again, but 1 don't think that we'll 



ever return. 



ti 





Sometimes it was hard to figure her out. It never 
bothered her to make predictions and the damned thing 
about them was they proved to be right more often than 

not. She even had and has dreams that came and come true. 

Some time / 
/B Ml 4B|Hi before we knew that we had to escape from 

war-torn Shanghai she dreamt of a big, red ship, lying 
anchored in a harbor. She didn't know where that harbor 
was, but she could describe it as well as the red ship 
in some detail. When several weeks later the boat, on 
which we were traveling, sailed into the harbor of Kobe 
in Japan, there it was as she had seen it in her dream, 
and at the outer edge was the big, red ship which ap= 
parently had been converted into a kind of lighthouse. 
It was uncanny. 

I could enumerate many such occur;cnces, but the one 
which impressed me most happened many years later. By then 
we were so closely attached to each other that our brain 



waves often transmitted thoughts or even dreams from one 
to the other. One nightl had been dreaming that I was in 
a ladies clothing shop and saw a brown polka-dot dress 
which I liked. I didn't look at the size or ask the 
sales lady about it. I just bought it (something I never 
would have done being awake) and took it home to Annie as 
a present. Just then I woke up and so did Annie. Still 
half asleep, she said, "You know, that brown polka-dot 
dress is pretty. I like it, but it's just like a man not 
to think if it's my size or not." 

That was so extremely funny that I laughed loudly. 

"What's the matter?" she asked. 

I told her about my dream. 

Now fully awake, she began to giggle. "Funny, isn't 
it?" she told me. "Just before I woke up you gave/me this 



dress in my dream. 



ft 



Please, don't shake your head or shrug your shoulders. 
It's true and you explain it if you can. I certainly never 
could rationalize her strange, mental escapades. 



Well, we had closed our suitcases and stored 
them again in the rack above us after the Nazis had left 
our compartment. Luckily the Polish customs inspectors were 
not interested in them since we were traveling in transit. 
We showd our passports at the Polish border station and 



immmmmmi0)mmmm»ii(it>imim 



'„ .1 •... uliM \^:iki :m. a L^^1^V , iiiV,; 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 89 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 90 - 






nothing untoward happened during the twenty hours we 
yere traversing across Poland. Pfeiffcr and Schneider <: 
were d4^gusted with us because we didn't play cards 
and strictly ignored us while they were engaged in some 
kind of card game I hadn't even heard of. Timothy was 

around, but kept silent most of the time after having 

once again / 
/made it known to me that he disliked traveling more than 

anything else. We wished, we could have interrupted our 

trip in Warsaw for a day or two to go sightseeing. But 

we weren't tourists to see the world. We were just 

people in transit like so much merchandise. To us 

Warsaw was just a large, bustling railway station. 

Again it was night when we reached Negoreloje 
at the Russian border. We had to carry our thirteen 
suitcases to the Russian customs building. Neither 
Pfeiffer nor Schneider gave us a hand, and I felt I 
would be damned to ask them. We had left so much behind 
in Germany, why the heck hadn't we left all? Thirteen 
suitcases were too much for two people. Yet, we stuck 
to them until we got to Shanghai. They contained all 
we owned in the world. 

While we were waiting in the square, brightly lighted 
Russian customs budding (outside the night was pitch dark) 
with our suitcases spread out on the quadrangle table to 
be inspected, it suddenly occurred to me that I must be 



out of my mind. We had just escaped by the scrape of our 
necks from a country, dominated by gangsters, to enter 
another country, dominated by another set of gangsters. 
Prior to 1933 1 had written a weekly newspaper column, 
directed against the Nazis and the Communists. To me 
NaJ'.ism and Communism were and still are brothers- in- 
arms. Fascists and Communists have basically the same 
aims, to replace democracy with dictatorship, suppress 
all indivudal and civil liberties and convert the world 
into a spiritual graveyard. 

Standing in that Russian customs h^ll, I remembered 
the many threats I had received from Communists. They 
had sworn (as had the Nazis) to get me one of these 
days. Maybe now they had their chance while we were 
traveling through the Soviet Union. Maybe some one in 
the Russian Secret Police remembered my name, or maybe 
they had even a dossier on me. Who could tell? As a 
refugee 1 was an easy target. I had no protection. No 
one would ever care if I disappeared in the vastness of 
Russia. Where the Gestapo had failed, the Russian counter= 
part might succeed. Actually, the danger of ending up in 
a Russian slave- labor camp instead of a Nazi concent^daion 
camp was a possibility. No writ of habeas corpus for us. 
No justice of any kind for some one like me. I had no 
business to enter the Soviet Union, but not to do so was 



Please, don't worry.' Nothing came of it! 



- 91 - 






beyond ray power. We were at the point of no return. Ti- 
mothy was disgusted with me that I even could harbor such 
morbid thoughts. If 1 was caught and sent to a labor-camp, 
he had to accompany me. nolens volcns. He couldn't do any= 
thing about it. but he had orders to keep me alive. Yet, 
grudgingly he had to agree that we weren't safe until the 
moment we had crossed the Russian border into Manchuria. 

I looked around. In large letters and in several 
languages the words: "WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE" were 
painted on all four walls. In contrast to the labor unions 
in capitalistic countries those in Soviet Russia as well 
as in Nazi-Germany were absolutely powerless. They did 
not have the right to bargain for better wages or any 
other benefits. They were not allowed to go on strike, r 
No employee or working man could quit a job on his own 
volition. They had no rights whatsoever and still have 
none. Why then should the workers of the world even con= 
sider to unite with the ones in Russia and thus losejtheir 
hard fought- for bargai^ning power? There was then and 
still is no more imperialistic country than the Soviet 
Union. The State was and is the only boss and the State 
was and still is almighty. 

Actually the Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx ends 
with these words: "The workers have nothing to lose but 
their chains. They have a world to win. Workers of all 



Please, don't worry! Nothinp, came of it! 



- 92 - 



lands untite 



I II 



Under the feudalist Ic Communistic dictatorship the 
working class had not lost their chains. They had gained 
more tha'^; they had had before. 

Already in this cement-walled, absolutely unadorned 
and square, high-ceil inged customs building, which seemed 
to stand in the midst of nowhere,. one had the depressed 
feeling of entering a prison There was no friendly smile 
to wjelcome us On the contrary we were treated with a 
robot-like correctness - cold and impersonal The un« 
spoken attitude of the customs officials clearly conveyed 
to us that we were just being suffered like enemy invaders 

At last a plump female inspector searched through our 
baggage like a vulture picking dead bodies apart. Not a 
word. Not a single question. Not even a glance at us. When 
she was through, she silently waited until we had stowed 
everything back into our suitcases and then sealed them 
except three which contained only pajamas, underwear, a 
few shirts and blouses as well as the one with our food 
cans. As travelers in transit throughout the long trip 
across Russia we weren't permitted to open the rest of 
our luggage. Finally we had to show and declare in 
writing the exact amount of money we had on us. Upon 
leaving the country at the Manchurian border station we 
would have to account for each cent we might have spent 
while being in Russia. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 93 - 




I do not know how a trans-Siberian Express trip 

through Russia affects a foreign traveler now, but at 

the time, when Stalin was riding high, it was lndescrib= 

ably lugubrious. Then as well as now the country had a 

and / 
drinking problem which somehow provcd/jjl still proves 

A- 

that the peopp were and are seeking escape from the 

oppressive Communist establishment. There is a Russian 
nursery rhyme which expresses it well: 

Chizik pizik, gdye ti bil? 

Na fontenye vidka peel. 

(Little birdie, where do you go? 

To the fountain drinking vodka) . 




It is a bad habit of mine to get sometimes 



ahead of my story, and I hope you'll forgive me if I 



now 




relate an incident which happened shortly after we had 
departed from Moscow. One evening a Russian lady joined 
us in our compartment. Pfeiffer and Schneider were absent. 
The trans-Siberian Express had no special sleeping cars. 
In the second class men and women, whether they knew one 
another or not, had to stay and sleep together in the 
four bunks compartment^. That ' s how Pfeiffer and Schneider 
were our companions in the same compartment throughout the 
ten day trip through Russia. Luckily for us they had be- 
friended a Dutchman who had a stateroom o^ his own in the 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 94 - 



O 



first class part of the train. Pfeiffer and Schneider, 
being natural f ree- loaders , were only too happy to share 
many bottles of booze with this man. 

Anyway, we were alone when this lady came to see us. 
We had met her the day before in the dining car and since 
she spoke German we were attracted to one another. Furtively 
she closed the door behind her and sat down. She was in 
such a depressive state of mind that she had to unburden 
her heart to someone in order to keep her sanity under 
control. For reasons we couldn't fathom she had chosen 
us. She must have felt she could trust us not to betray 
her. Her story was a sad and unique one, almost unbeliev" 
able to people in free, civilized countries. She as well 
as her husband were physicians. They and their two little 
children lived in Moscow where they had the privilege of 
having a small apartment of their own. Few people were 
so fortunate unless they belonged to the high government 
class. The so-called classless society was and still is 
a myth. As a reputed pediatrician she had received govern- 
ment orders to proceed to some place in Outer Mongolia to 
take charge of a new children's hospital. She had no right 
to refuse and had to go whether she wanted or not. She was 
compelled to leave her family without having been assured 
when or if ever she would see them again. Her contract 
read for a five year stay in Mongolia, but her fear was 



-.«s;=ri~-" r—. nl»-T.-.-=S_- 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 95 - 




that she might not be relieved at all in case she did a 

good job there. How in the name of Hippocrates could she 

do a bad job when the lives of little children were in 

her hands? Long tears ran down her cheeks while she was 

whispering this story in German to us, still afraid that 

eavesdrop / 
someone might/SHHTTv despite the closed door. That, 



she said, was Soviet Russia, the paradise on earth. 
Russia, the so-called democratic republic. As she left 
us, she begged us to say a prayer for her and her family 
Prayers, too, were forbidden in Stalin's Russia. 





Well, we've got to return to the customs 
building in Negoreloje, whether we like it or not, be= 

cause I suddenly discovered that Annie had disappeared 
from my side while I was busy with that obese, sag-chested 
female customs inspector. The one trouble with Annie was 
that she could disappear from one second to the next. At 
one moment she was standing at my side, at the next she 
wasn't anymore. She can do that trick anywhere, even in 
a supermarket. This was certainly not the time for sepa= 
ration. She had a habit of saying the wrong things at the 
wrong time, which was as dangerous in Stalin's Russia as 
it had been in Nazi-Germany. Sometimes it proved to be 
downright nerve-racking and this certainly was such an 
occasion. I shouted her name again and again and nevermind 



Please, don*t worry! Nothing came of itI 



- 96 - 



what the other people including the Russian officials were 
thinking. I was side-tracked by the inspector who requested 
that I sign still another one of these never ending forms 
of Russian bureaucracy. When 1 looked up again, there was 
Annie, her face expressing the innocence of a babe in the 
woods. I warned her that I would put her on a leash if 
she would do that again during our trip to Shanghai. How=» 
ever, she had a valid excuse this time. Thinking about 
having to lug our suitcases out of the customs building 
to wherever the trans-Siberian Express train was located 
and with Pfeiffer and Schneider being impervious to our 
plight, she had gone in search for some one to give us a 
helping hand. And, lo and behold, she had found a single 
young man to whom she had appealed and who could not re=* 



sist. Very few people ever could 
"Poor Orphan Annie". 



when she played 



The young man had come along with her. He was carry= 
ing only a small overnight case as if he were on a short 
pleasure trip. 

"This is Karl Holz," Annie told me with her angelic 
smile. "He was born in Shanghai and his parents are still 
living there and he had promised to help us witl\Dur baggage." 

Karl shook hands with me, but I was too cautious to 
ask Annie how she had managed to learn so much about him 
in so short a time. He was a good-looking young man with 



■UMtHMMMImMMiM 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 97 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came oC Itl 



- 98 - 



light brown hair and very blue eyes. 

"Glad to meet you," he said in German. "I've been 
visiting in Germany for some months and an, on my way back 
home. The Nazis got on my nerves." 

"Do you always travel so light?" I asked him, point= 
ing to the small overnight case. 

"Sure." he answered smilingly. "I've experience. This 
Is my fifth trip." 

Annie with her little, uptilted nose had sniffed him 
out among the hundreds of passengers as the one who most 
likely would agree to help us. And so he did. He was a 
no-Nazi German, the offspring of German parents living 
abroad. To us he turned out to be a Godsend in more ways 
than one. Even Timothy, who on general principles was 
inimical to other people, approved of him. 

When we were through with the customs and passport 
inspection. Karl took charge of us. For the thr^e of us 
our thirteen suitcases were not much of a problem. We 
followed him in the dark of the night (it seemed as if 
electrification was non-existent outside the customs 
building) to the trans-Siberian Express train with its 
two smoke-belching engines and long row of cars. When we 
found our car and compartment, our two rogues, Schneider 
and Pfeiffer, had already settled down at one side of it. 
Holz's compartment was in the adjoining car. After helping 
us with stowing away our cases, he left us. Daring the long 



• 



# 



t 



trip the three of us bec«iine very good friends. 

At last the cumbersome train started to move on 

the wide Russian railway tracks. We were actually enters 

ing the Soyuz Sovetskikh Sotsialistischkikh Republics, 

the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. However, with 

the exception of Moscow we saw the vast land and numerous 

in which / 
cities only through the windows of the train^/MH IpM 

for ten days. / 
^mi we were confined ^M ^^ iBiflMi t^very once in a 

while we could stretch our legs for several minutes 
at small stations where the engines took on a new supply 
of water and coal. Some of the names of the bigger cities, 
where we halted for a period of no more than a quarter of 
an hour between Moscow and Manchuli at the Manchurian 
border, have remained infmemory, names like Perm, 
Sverdlovsk (the former Ekaterinburg where Czar Nicholas II. 
and his family were shot to death in 1918), Omsk, Tomsk, 
Novosibirsk, Tschita. We crossed the Ural mountains at 
night which to me was a great disappointment. 

As the train slowly huffed and puffed away from Nego- 
reloje Timothy sighed deeply. "God Almighty," he complained, 
"1 wished He would allow me to swear once in a while. I'm 
a poor guardian angel, I know, but this should not happen 
to a dog." 

"You'll survive even godless Russia," I tried to 
appease him. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it! 



- 99 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it I 



- 100 - 





^ 



"Of course. I'll survive," he hissed at me. "But 
the burden isn't easy to bear. Guardian angels don't 
die, they only fade away." 

I could not help;t but laugh outright at him. "Like 
old soldiers?" I asked. 

"Like over- tired, over-worked, underpaid guardian 
angels," he rebuked me. 

"Boy - do I feel sorry for you." 

"^an imagine," he grunted. 

End of our conversation. He faded away. Annie and I 
prepared ourselves for a few hours of sleep. Our two 
bunks, one above the other, were made up for the night. 
During the day the upper bunk was tilted up and hooked 
to the wall and the lower one became our seats. While I 
undressed in the compartment (Pfeiffer and Schneider did 
the same), Annie naturally preferred to undress or dress 
in the so-called washroom at the end of the car. 



Please, allow me to digress once again to 
tell you the "dirty-smelling" story of our sixteen day 
trip to Shanghai without the opportunity of taking a 
bath once and not much chance to was^even properly. It 



was a conspiracy of sinister forces beyond our and Ti 



mo- 



thy's control. Regrettably, guardian angels are not 



ma' 



glcians. Each second-class car of the trans-Siberian Ex 



press 



had but a single, very narrow washroom with warm water 
available only in the early morning hours. Armed with 
a towel, slung over one's shoulder, a cake of soap, a 
toothbrush and tooth paste as well as a glass one had 
to wait in line for a few minutes stay in that god- 
forsaken little room. No one dared to take more than 
five minutes because generally the warm water did not 
last long. I most often did my shaving with cold water 
later in the day. 

Well, if you like adventure, try to wash and shave 
in a wildly swaying train. And don't make a mistake, the 
trans-Siberian Express (a misrepresentation if there ever 
was one. I doubt that at any time it went faster than 
thirty to thirty-five miles an hour) was swaying like 
a camel in the desert. The washroom contained a shallow 
wash basin with one faucet and nothing else aside from 
the toilet. With each sway the water splashed over and 
if you didn't watch out the cake of soap slithered to 
the floor from where it was hard to retrieve. I never 
was able to shave properly and without cutting myself. 
Neither did we ever succeed in getting decently washed. 

For ten long days we fought a desperate battle with 
the wash basin, losing each and every one of them. Soon 
Annie sadly admitted (and Timothy had to add his two 
bits by agreeing) that we didn't smell like roses, to 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 101 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 102 - 




express it mildly. Yet. the trans-Siberian Express offered 
at least some washing facilities although they were quite 
Inadequate. The trains from Manchuli to Harbin and from 
Harbin to Hsingking had none at all, or if they had we 
didn't discover them. The supply of water in the express 
train between Hsingking and Dairen was so limited that we 
almost could count the drops which trickled from the faucet 
when we turned it on. Butwhat happened at the hotel 



m 





Dairen as well as on the Japanese steamer from Dairen 
to Shanghai was - to coin a phrase - a total wash-out. 
By the time we arrived in Shanghai we were dirtier than 
pigs after wallowing in mud. We must have snielled to high 
heaven although we ourselves couldn't tell anymore. I've 
read somewhere that in her days the 17th century courte= 
san Ninon de Lanclos was ridiculed for insisting on tak= 
Ing a bath each day instead of using perfumes as a sub= 
stitute for soap and water. We had forgotten to take a 
bottle of eaU-de-cologne along and didn't dare to spend 
the money for buying one in Dairen if one could have been 
gotten there. All the while Timothy found this state of 
affairs quite amusing. His cleanliness didn't depend on 
water, but I noticed that he kept his distance from us 
as much as he could. 

I was reminded of our childhood when we lived in a 
coldwater flat in.-'the St.Pauli district of Hamburg, one 



of the poorer neighborhoods. We had to wash every day, 
of course, and we could make a good job of it in the 
summer. During the ice-cold winter days, however, we 
just went trough the motions. Quite often a thin film 
of ice had formed on the water in the basins. Twice a 
month, though, our mother took us children to a near-by 
public bath house where for twenty Pfennige we could rent 
a wooc^J^n tub with hot water. We all made use of it, one 
after the other. My older sister first, then I, then my 
younger sister and finally my mother. Of course, we had 
to take green soap, towels and a scrub brush with us. 
My father (at that time a father was still the privileged 
member of the family) went once a week and had a tub all 
by himself. The entire procedure was nothing out of the 
ordinary. To go back only two centuries^ too much bathing 
or use of water was considered unhealthy to the human 
body. The wealthy doused themselves with plenty of perfume 
and the poor - pardon the expression - just stank. I guess , 
if everybody stinks, nobody really notices it. 

In later years, when my father's fortune took a turn 
for the better, we moved into an apartment which had steam-- 
heat and cold as well as hot water. We were able to take 
a bath whenever we wanted, even several times a day, which 
of course was considered the utmost in (^xury. Nobody as 
yet had heard of a shower then. It was a tub bath or nothing. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 103 - 






Our youth nowadays cannot even imagine how it was. They 
take everything for granted and that is perhaps why some 
of them revolt and avoid washing or bathing and get stink= 
ing dirty again. I wonder if that can be called progress? 

Our car steward in the trans-Siberian Ex= 
press (he was called in Russian: a provodnik) didn't seem 
to mind about any hot or warm water shortage. He had a 
limited amount of wood to bum and that was it. We never 
saw him even wash his hands during the long trip from 
Negoreloje to Manchuli and despite the fact that I gave 
him a used razor blade for a tip each day, he never shaved 
either. At the end of the trip he looked something akin 
to a present-day hippy. His duties were few. He had to 
make the beds in the evenings and break them up in the 
morning. He had to feed the stove with wood and that was 
about all. Once a day at one of the many stops a herd of 
scrub women invaded the train and washed the floors. It 
didn't help much, but it was a good show. 

All the while and until we saw the last of Russian 
territory Timothy remained ill-tempered. He missed the 
occasional meeting with other guardian angels. As he had 
asserted, not many were assigned to this officially god- 
less nation and there were none on the train. I didn't 
believe him. However, I had no way of disputing this 
matter. His resentment toward me that I had chosen this 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 104 - 



i 



• 



route did not abate and the two of us had little communion 
until he faced the special predicament in Manchuli. 

"This country is ruled by a man who never will let 
the world know peace," he told me once and without pro- 
vocation on my part. "Even the rulers who will follow him 



won' t ever." 



of/ 



When I tried to advise him that it was/# little use 
to pull a long face over facts we knew, he got really 
angry with me, because any person alive in the world 
should care about it. If he had had not the fear of God 
in him and wouldn't have been under obligation never to 
swear, I think he would let me have it with all the in=* 
vectives that exist in the German language. He had often 
complained about my habit of quoting famous people or 
parts from great books since he had been an uneducated 
man in life and had not much improved his knowledge since. 
He must have consulted at one time or other one of his more 
erudite celestial brethren for a quotation to throw at me. 
I'm sure, he had only waited for the right moment to show 
off with it to prove to me that he wasn't altogether a 
"Dummkopf". Acting, as if he was bristling with indig=» 
nation about my attitude toward him, he asked me if I ever 



f 



had heard of Savonarola. 



"Sure," I said. 



"You would," he grouchily rejoined with a note of 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 105 - 



asperity In his voice. "Who was he? 



II 






'*A fiery-headed, Italian religious reformer in the 
15th century." 

For a moment he remained silent, then he asked, "But 
do you know what he cried out in his scorn when faced with 
godlessness?" 

He had me there and he savored this moment of triumph 
as if he had won a great victory. "Savonarola had cried out: 
No one who resists the Lord, can ever find peace," he told 
me in a pontificial manner. 

This was the only serious colloquy we had during the 
ten days of our trip through Russia, but at least he had 
found some satisfaction in his misery. 

The colloquies I had with our provodnik, obviously a 
benighted ignoramus, were of a quite different nature. We 
didn't understand each other. This gangling, tall sycamore 
of a man, all gnarls, knuckles and joints, had not learned 
a single expression in any foreign language despite his 
many years of meeting people of other countries on this 
train. In his simple mind he was convinced that everybody 
understood Russian although not everybody could speak it. 
Once in a while when 1 had given him an extra cigarette or 
used razor blade he wanted to show his appreciation by tell= 
ing me a story. All I could do in response was listen and 



nod from time to time, or smile 



when he 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 106 - 



# 



smiled, chuckle when he chuckled, or make a sad face when 



he did. He must have felt that he had well entertained 



me 



as a compensation for my little gifts and so he acted as 
if he and I were good friends. Maybe we were although 
neither one of us could surmount the language barrier, 
but as I learned again and again a dialogue was possible 
despite of it. How often, though, does it happen that no 
dialogue can be achieved with people who spoke the same 
language, but had adopted a righteousness which didn't 
allow them to listen to any different point of view but 
their own.^ 

All in all cur trip through Russia was quite boring 
under the circumstances. With each day our feeling of in« 
security mounted although our friend Karl Holz tried to 
encourage us by telling us how exciting Shanghai was and 
how much we would enjoy living there. We were skeptical, 
but did not show it. Really, an unclean train window wasn't 
the best way to see the world. We passed through unending, 
grey and dismal flatlands, dotted here and there by some 
small v^l,lages with dilapidated, unpainted wooden houses. 
We saw some people, mostly women, working in the fields. 
Each time the train stopped at a small station far from 
nowhere we watched policemen chase vendors and beggars 
away so that we could rush out unmolested to fill our 



thermos bottles with 



hot water. Otherwise we couldn't 



brew ourselves some tea or coffee In the train. 



Please don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 107 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 108 - 





We cros^d the Volga and didn't see any boatsrnen, 
pulling barges and singing the Volga song We traveled 
through the Ural Mountains, which divide Europe from Asia, 
but only heard about it when we woke up the next morning. 
We got a few glimpses of newly erected industrial cities 
which had been built since the revolution. Most of Siberia 
appeared to us like an imagined moon landscape. Pock- 
marked, round-topped yellow hills and snow covered valleys 
with no life whatsoever - at least as far as we could ob« 
serve. Once we thought that we passed a slave-labor camp 
with its high watch-towers, but it was so far distant that 
we wereiH't altogether sure. Our Intourist guide always 
went into hiding when we had an opportunity to ask him 
unpleasant questions. Nonetheless we traveled through 
quite a bit of geography. The trouble was that we had 
little chance to enjoy it. If one is imprisoned in a train 
for over a week, one's nerves and sight dull. However, 
again we are far ahead of our story. 




While the train was slowly rolling into Moscow, 
we passed a few onion-shaped spires of the old churches. 
I was reminded of poor, little Napoleon whose victorious 
invasion of Russia spelled defeat as it had done a hundred 
years before him to King Charles XII. of Sweden and as it 

would do some one hundred thirty-five years later to Hitler 



Napoleon died of cancer after he had been exiled to the 
island of Saint Helena; Charles XII. was killed by a stray 
bullet in Norway; and Hitler committed suicide in Berlin. 
Russia is bad luck for invaders. Although we had had no 
time to prepare ourselves for the trip, I had a few ideas 
of what I would like to see in Moscow beside the Red Square, 
the Kremlin - as for instance the famous Vasili Cathedral 
where the French so adequately had stabled their horses. 
Don't worry, the Vasili Cathedral was out of bounds. At 
that time one just didn't see anything anywhere what one 
would like to see - certainly not ordinary tourists or 
travelers in transit. One only saw what the authorities 
determined one could see. From the moment a foreigner 
entered the Soviet Union to the moment he left he remained 
under constant surveillance. Whether this haSv^ohanged or not, 
I don't know - although I doubt it. 

We had a stopover of three hours in Moscow while our 
train was shunted from one railway station to another. A 
stout, stem-looking woman, somewhat shabbily dressed, 
approached us on the platform of the Byelo Russky Station. 
She addressed us in German (which made us suspicious), 
asking if she could act as our guide. I felt convinced 
that she was an agent of the secret police. Anyway, as 
an authorized tourist guide she must have been instructed 
in regard to our itinerary Her service was free of charge. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 109 - 





This lady was of Danish birth, married to a Russian 
petty bi;§;:eaucrat . Of course, she let us look at the 
Kremlin from the outside, that is the surrounding wall 
and a guarded gate. For that we had no need to go sights- 
seeing in Moscow. We had seen it many a time on pictured 
and film screens. Notwithstanding, walking across the 
Red Square with the view on the Kremlin we felt touched 
by history, the memory Of which we never could erase 
from our minds. We were not morbid enough to have any 
desire of visiting with the embalmed corpse of Lenin. 
I might as well omit any report of our sightseeing 
tour in Moscow. Whatever we wished to see seemed to be 
out of bounds and what the guide lady showed us all of 
us have seen many timei on our TV screens, fli 0R isBBHlBm 
However, in 1935 we did not encounter a single smiling 
person, man, woman or child. All their faces were sad 
and stony and their eyes appeared to be dead. It might 
have been our imagination, but it CLffected us enough that 
we were thoroughly depressed by the time we reached the 
Severni Railway rotation where our train was waiting for 



us . 




Many years later I read Arthur Koestler*s book "The 
invisible Writing" in which he stated, "I was a Communist, 
but I found life in Russia terribly depressing." I was 
reminded how we had felt in Moscow and all through Russia. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of itl 



- 110 - 



Rbecca West in "The Meaning of Treason" said that C 



ommu' 



t 



g 



nism was Fascism with a glandular difference. Nothin 
t>4uer was ever written. 

Saying farewell to our lady-guide, we asked her 

what we could give her to compensate her for the time 

had/ 
she/spent with us, although we had not much to give. 

She assured us that she was not allowed to accept any 

payment or a tip in any other form. Yet, as little as 

we possessed ourselves, we could not leave this good 

woman without some token of our appreciation. I asked 

her to wait with Annie on the platform while I quickly 

boarded the train to get a cake of soap and a bar of 

chocolate from our unsealed suitcases. I pocketed both 

and went outside again. Before accepting these simple 

gifts she anxiously looked around to make sure that she 

wasn't watched, then she quickly took the two items and 

stuffed them into her old purse. The poor woman, who 

definitely made the impression of having seen better 

days, had tears in her eyes. Her two children, she told 

us, had never tasted any chocolate, and they had not had 

any good soap for a long time. We felt a little better for 

that. We were so poor ourselves and still rich in compar=» 

ison to her. 



•t 



Until we finally arrived in Shanghai we did not 
fully realize the absolute fi/n/ility of our break with 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- Ill - 





our past. While we traveled we still were In a kind 
of trance, and It did not hit us completely that we 
had torn up our roots, that we were refugees, people 
without a country, vagrants so to speak, cast-outs. We 
had no assurance that we were wanted anywhere In the 
world. To each llvlng-belng the future Is an unknown 
mystery as it should be if one wants to live a life of 
sanity. To us, however, it went beyond that. We didn't 
even know that we had a future. While we were in transit 
to Shanghai anything could occur, preventing us from ever 
getting there. And who would ever care? Who would ever 
investigate what had happened to us? We could not permit 
our minds to dwell on how we would manage to establish a 
new existence, probably altogether alien to the one we 
had left behind. We did not even dare to discuss with 
each other what we would do if the last of our forty 
dollars had been spent. It was such a meager amount of 
money , separating us from to be or not to be. Moreover, 
then already doubts assailed us about Pfeiffer. Perhaps 
we might not even see a single penny of the loan we had 
given him. In our anxiety to get out of Nazi-Germany we 
had taken his word for granted. We had been like drowning 
people grabbing for a straw. The way he acted ever since 




we were en route gave us little confidence. Yet, without 
the fifteen hundred Mark we had Invested In him wc might 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 112 - 



t 



as well forget about starting anew In a strange city 
among strange people. So we honestly believed, not yet 
knowing how resourceful one could be when faced with no 
material assts. Like anybody else , refugees also had to 
learn how to cope with unforeseen emergencies. And we 
did learn. We surely did. We were taught a very important 
lesson that God in His goodness would never abandon us. 
Faith was all we needed to open seemingly locked doors. 
Faith - how beautiful it Is. Faith has sustained us 
throughout our life with all its many vicissitudes, ^ 
ventures and adventures. It still sustains us. Without 
faith life is not worth living. Love, faith and gratis 
tude - what else is there to happiness in life? 

Both, Pfeiffer and Schneider, proved to be real 
nuisances. We had been the ones who had made it possible 
for them to leave Nazl-Gennany . Now they didn't care about 
us. Most of the time they were drunk or nearly so. Their 
newly acquired friend, the Dutch gentleman in the first 
class, had taken plenty of booze along. The three became 
Inseparable companions. At least we didn't see much of 
them. Whenever they were with us In our compartment, they 
went to sleep to sober up in order to get pickled again. 
They were oblivious to anything else. They were also ob" 
llvious during the one day we traveled around the southern 



part of the Baikal Lake In Siberia. This lake was the 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 113 - 





only worthwhile scenic sight we encountered throughout 
all our trip and probably one of the most beautiful in 
in the world, ft covers an area of over thirteen thousand 
square miles and is supposedly the largest fresh water 
lake in Asia as well as the deepest in the world. At 
least so the Intourist guide told us. Its water is as 
clear as crystal, and one could see deep down to the 
bottom. Even from the slow-moving train we could watch 
the fish swimming in it. There were blue-hazed, snow- 
topped mountains far in the background. We traveled 
through fir forests and stopped at little villages and 
towns where the pople looked clean and attractive. After 
the city of Kultuk we passed through numerous tunnels 
and wondered about the strange names of towns like Mur= 



inskaja and Mysovaya. For a whole day Annie and I 



were 



glued to the window. We tried to rouse Pfeiffer and 
Schneider, but they had a monumental hangover from the 
previous night. So far. although we were already in Asia, 
we were nojmuch aware of the difference between West and 
East. It was brought home to us in Manchuli, the Manchu* 
rian border town. 




The one silver- lining in the clouds was 
pur young friend Karl Holz with whom we chatted many hours. 
•Naturally, we mostly talked about Shanghai and our chances 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- ll'» - 



^ 



to make a living there. Whenever I revealed to him some 
of my still very vague ideas of what 1 could do, he quite 
obviously acted guarded. Not wanting to dash our hopes, he 
neither encouraged nor discouraged us. As it turned out, we 
later learned that he knew quite well that any of my ideas 
were sheer phantasies, as far from reality as most dreams. 
Yet, he never bat an eye when I talked about them. He had 
the wisdom to recognize that our lives hung on a very thin 
thread, called hope. 

Karl himself would not have liked to live anywhere 
else but in Shanghai. He was born and raised there. It 
was the ''old home- town" fiction, a mental malady not many 
people are able to overcome. Anyway, after we knew Shanghai 
it was hard to imagine her as an "old home- town". She was 
more likely a modern Babel, where so many different languagues 
were spoken as well as different dialects among the Chinese, 
that more often than not people could not converse intelli- 
gibly with one another than in English, French or Pidgin 

English. To explain Shanghai of that time was even hard 

She / 
for our fric/>ad Karl Holz. /It was altogether dissimilar 

from any other metropolis in the world. One had to live 

there as a resident to get the feeling of the strange 

Shanghai-way of life. She had an atmosphere all her own 

which in our opinion can never be duplicated. She was 

unique. One could love or hate her, but one could not 



be indifferent to her aura. 



Please, don't worry: Nothing came of it! 



- 115 - 




Despite Karl's reticence to raise our hopes he 
promised to ask his parents to rent us a roon, in their 

small house for at inact- t-u^ a 

lor at least the first month. Thus we would 

have a roof over our heads, a bed and an address until 
we had found jobs and could afford to be on our own. It 
so happened that we stayed in the Holz house for as long 
as we were in Shanghai. 





Anyone, I guess, who ever has traveled 
the Whole vast stretch of Russian territory in the trans- 
Siberian Express, must have felt some sort of relief 
when at last the end was reached. To us it was like 
being released from a prison. We had made it so far 
and although we still had quite a long way to go we 
were confident the worst was behind us. How well has 
God arranged it that the future is always unkno.^ to us. 
^^J^;as far from over and it started - after we 
A^^^^^^^an inspection of our baggage and finances - 
with carrying our thirteen suitcases so.e five hundred 
yards from where the Russian train had stopped to the 
railway station of Manchuli across the border where 

a train of the Chinese F•^c^,.r•r. d -i 

^■iincse Lastern Railway was waiting for 

us. We had an hour's time until departure. As always 
Pfeiffer and Schneider had disappeared with their one 
piece of luggage each. Annie took four cases and Holz 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of itl 



- 116 - 



# 



in addition to his overnight case took another four 
which left me with five. On the Manchuli station plat- 
form we put our baggage down in a heap and Annie got 
the job to sit on it. Holz and I were going to town 
to obtain our Manchurian transit visas. Without Holz 
I wouldn't even ha v^ know/ how to find the passport office 



I hated the idea of laving Annie alone, but s 



ome 



one had to guard our luggage. The other people on the 
platform didn't inspire me with any confidence. To me 
most of them looked like cut- throats or some sort of 
bandits. They were members of many nationalities - 
slant-eyes Mongolians with cheek-protruding faces, 
Tartars with long, black moustachios, Circassians, 
supposedly wild warriors from Turkestant, blue eyed 
people from the Caucasus, and, of course, Chinese. 
No doubt anymore, we were in Asia now. The umbilical 
cord, which still had held us to Europe, was cut at 
last. Leaving Annie by herself with all these strange 
and dangerous looking characters was not a'^^easy decision 
to make. Timothy stubbornly refused to stay with her. I 
was his official responsibility and he could watch over 
Annie only as long as we two were together. I had to 
rely on Holz's assurance that I had nothing to fear. 
Nobody would harm poor Annie. I took a long last look 
at her when we left, praying I would see her again and 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 117 - 






alive, too. She looked so forlorn that my heart ached 
for her. However, I should have known her better. She 
still amazes me today how she is able to make friends 
anywhere. 

When Holz and I returned some thirty minutes later, 
she was still sitting on the pile of our luggage, but 
with her squatted a Mongolian family which she had lured 
into her charm. 1 don't how she had managed not to have 
died of fright. She never knew real fear since she had 
such an unbelievable faith in God. Annie and the Mon= 
golian family were chatting amiably without knowing one 
another's language. The children in particular were 
fascinated by her. They all had never seen a woman 
like her. Besides, the feather on her hat seemed to 
them so funny that they didn't stop laughing about it. 
Annie had the youngest, a baby, in her lap, and the 
mother just smiled with beatitude. The father stood by, 
a little aloof and puzzled, but I had a strange feeling 
he would have defended Annie with the dagger he carried 
in his belt if anyone had dared to look crosswise at her. 
That was my Annie. The strangest people fell in love with 
her and men always felt they had to protect her. We were 
to face many real dangers, but nobody ever got the idea 
to do harm to her, not even nature in its scorn. On the 
contrary she aroused the protective sentiment in all and 



everybody. 



Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of it! 



- 118 - 



# 



Holz and 1 took two rickshaws to the passport office, 
mine following his. One couldn't simply step into a rick- 
shaw like into a taxi and tell the driver where one wanted 
to go. One had to direct the coolie by shouting at him 
and directing him by hand signs. I never forgot the revolt- 
ing feeling about being pulled by a human animal. If it 
hadn't been for Holz, I would have stopped the poor, 
sweating fellow after a few minutes, paid him off and 
rather walked 1 did just that the first time we took 
rickshaws in Shanghai. We had no trouble in obtaining the 
Manchurian transit visas unless paying five dollars for 
them meant trouble which it did for us. It bit too deeply 
into our meager financial resources and 1 got mad all 
over again about the stubborn refusal by the Japanese 
Consul in Hamburg to issue these visas for us. The 
rickshaw fare was only twenty cents each for Holz and 



my 



self. Yet even a single cent counted as far as Annie 



and I were concerned. However, when I saw Annie again un» 

station / 
harmed at the railway/l forgot all about it. Nothing else 

was of real importance. 

Pfeiffer, Schneider, Holz, Annie and I found a com- 
partment for ourselves in the Chinese Eastern Railway 
train which was so overcrowded that many people had to squat 
with their bundles outside in the corridors. They never 
stopped gabbing, spitting, eating all kinds of strange 

smelling food. The children got restless and babies 
cried. I didn't bother any of us, but it did Annie. For 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 119 - 




the first time she felt truly mise'iable and showed it. 
Sitting next to me at one of the two window corners, 
she started silently to cry. Small tears were running 
down her cheeks. I asked her what was wrong. She looked 
at me as if I had offended her. 

"Do you know that there aren't any restrooms on 



this train, and I have to go?" she whispered into 



my 



ear. 





"How do you know?" 

"1 haven't seen any when we boarded the train." 

I shook my head, then whispered to Holz, asking him. 
He chuckled and whispered back that Annie was mistaken. 
Nodding at her, he indicated that he would take her. 

When they returned, Annie still looked depressed. 

"That was the dirtiest place I've ever seen," she flBt 

"I couldn't even wash my hands." / 
whispered into my ear as she sat down ./A moment later 

she began to cry again. 

"What is it now?" I asked her. She never cried. I 
couldn't figure her out. In all the years to come she 
never cried again, but the change from West to East 
somehow and sudd^_i?nly must have overwhelmed her. 

"You know," she said in a low voice, "one always 
reads in newspapers, magazines and books about exiles, 
I mean real exiles, refugees. One never thinks that it 
ever can happen to you. But it can. Anything can happen to 



Pleasd, don't worry! Nothing came of iti 



- 120 - 



you. We are exiles. Refugees. We don't have a home any 



# 



# 



-# 



: ^ M 



more, and we don't know if we ever will have one again. 
wiped off / 
She /MBii her tears and tried to smile, but for once 

she did not succeed. Just then and there with all these 

strange-looking, strange-sounding and strangely behaving 

people around us, people one had only see/* in pictures, 



she felt the deep pain a tree must feel when it has been 
torn up by its roots. What was it? Slow death or new life 
by being re-planted somewhere else? As the uprooted tree 
doesn't know, neither did Annie right then. What answer 
could I give her? How could I console her without sound- 
ing hypocritical? There never had been any lies between 
us and I couldn't lie to her then. I couldn't tell her 
that all will turn out all right when she as well as I 
didn't know for sure. Taking her hand into mine, we sat 
in silence for a while. 

"Well," I said at last, "I guess as long as we two 
are together, nothi'h^ can be as bad as we might think 

it is." 

She nodded. Our togetherness was the only reality 

she could cling to. 

"The fitting is awful," she complained. "Why do 
they have to spit all the time?" 

I shrugged my shoulders. I wondered myself. But the 
spitting was to follow us all over Asia with the exception 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 121 - 






of Japan which probably is the cleanest and most sani- 
tary country in the world. People just spat from deep 
down, not caring what or whom they hit. 

Suddenly the door to our compartment was pushed open. 
Two Japanese soldiers with bayonets fixed on their rifles 

stared in at us. This became a regular, hourly occurrence. 

one/ 
Just when/had dozed off again on the hard and uncomfort= 

able benches - whami The door was thrown open and there 

they were - the same two soldiers on inspection. What in 

the name of Buddha did they expect to find? Obviously we 

neither could run away or engage in any nefarious spy 

activities. There was nothing to spy on and we certainly 

couldn't disappear. We just had to sit where we were and 

hope that the train wouldn't be late so that we wouldn't 

miss our connection with the Asia Express in Harbin. 

"I guess," I ventured to say the third time they 
disturbed us, "they've got orders not to trust us." 

Nobody carea to comment. We had exhausted any con= 
versation we had had. These sixteen or eighteen hours 
between Manchuli and Harbin were the most uncomfortable 
ones during all our sixteen days trip. 

I never could figure it out, but somehow whoever was 
responsible for the train schedules in Russia and Manchuria 
had conspired so that the travelers would not get to see 
any of the mountain ranges. We crossed all of them at night 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 122 - 



♦ 



# 



I had very much looked forward to the Ural mountains and - 
vfell, as you might remember,- we traveled through them in 
the dark of the night. Now I was looking forward to the 
Greater Khingan Mountain Ranges between the Amur and 
Sungari rivers, but alas, yes, you guessefl^it. We didn't 
get a glimpse of them. Agiin we crossed them by night. 
It was kind of frustrating. This probably would be the 
only time in our lives to see these famous mountain 
ranges, and we were denied the sight of them. 

It was a matter of sheer wonder how all the Japanese 
soldiers and officials we saw on the station platforms 
and in the Manchurian trains ever got there, when the 
Japanese consul in Hamburg had assured us that he had 
never heard of Manchuria. In fact, they had changed 
Manchuria to Manchukuo and they had it occupied. No=* 
body must ever have told the consul in Hamburg about it. 
We weren't on the train for much more than two hours when 
a Japanese official, accompanied by two other soldiers, 
handed each one of us a six page long questioaaire which 
we were to fill out and then return to him. At least, so 
much we understood although he talked to us in Japanese. 
These six pages contained more silly questions than we 



'# 



were able to answer. Holz advised us to write down any 
thing. What we didn't know, they certainly didn't know 
either. The questions were printed in three languages, 



Please, don't woury! Nothing came of iti 



- 123 - 






Russian, English, and German. None of us, of course, re- 
membered or even had heard all the names, places and dates 
of birth of our grandparents and great-grandparents. Why 
the Japanese authorities were interested in getting this 
kind of useless information was beyond us. In order to 
please them we all invented the answers. Furthermore, 
among many other personal questions we had to state the 
exact length of time we intended to stay in Harbin and 
with what train at what time we would continue our trip 
to what destination. Intourist in Hamburg had booked for 
us seats in the famous Asia Express from Harbin to Dairen. 
According to the time table the Asia Express was scheduled 
to depart from Harbin ten minutes after our train was 

supposed to arrive there. We knew, it would be a tight 

so/ 
squeeze to transfer all our suitcases infshort a time, 

but we very much looked forward to the Asia Express which 
had been described to us as the most modem train in the 
world. Each car was topped by a glass dome for good view= 
irg. There was a modern dining car, excellent washing 
facilities and all the comforts one could ask for. Maybe 
all this was true. Please, don't worry; Nothing came of itI 

The very moment our train pulled into the Harbin station, 
the Asia Express with its domes pulled out on another track. 
It so happened that we were fifteen minutes late and the 
Japanese were sticklers in regard to punctuality. A five 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itI 



- 124 - 



# 



# 



-# 



minutes wait was unthinkable. Well, that was that. No 
beautiful view from a glass-domed train, no modern din- 
ing car, which we couldn't have used anyway for lack of 
money, no modern washrooms, which would have been a bless* 
ing after ten days without a bath. This was truly a moment 
for shedding tears, but Annie had regained her good humor. 
She just laughed, not even realizing that we were stranded 
in Harbin. How the hell were we to go on without also 
missing the boat in Dairen? The Asia Express ran only 
twice a week as far as we knew. 

Once again we had to drag our thirteen suitcases 
out of the train across several tracks and platforms. 
It was getting too much. I deposited Annie and our 



baggage on a platform bench just outside the stati 



on 



building and went in search for someone who could tell 
me when another train was going to leave. We had to reach 
D-iiren in time for our boat or we would be stranded there 
for fully three days. We didn't have the funds for a hotel 
room, or at least it would deplete our money almost com* 
pletely . 

My search was entirely fruitless. No one, whom I 
accosted, understood me. Finally I gave up and returned 
to Annie, sat down beside her, determined to let fate 
take its course. Some time during the day there was bound 
to come another train which was going in the direction of 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 125 - 






Dalren. We decided to wait and see. 

Neither Pfeiffer, Schneider nor Holz were around, 
and we couldn't imagine whereto they had disappeared. 
When we met th£hi again on the boat from Dairen, we got 
their stories. The Dutchman had bribed some officials 
and the three had gone into Harbin where they entertained 
themselves in one of the famous brothels of that city. 
Holz, although taking a chance of being stopped, had 
MBIL ■ iBMBV JB sneaked out of the station within 
the minute after our arrival. He had a Russian girl- 
friend in town to whom he paid a visit. Well, that left 
Annie and me at the mercy of Japanese hostile militarism. 
It so happened that we were the only foreigners on the 
station platform. 

Getting hungry after a while, we opened the suitcase 
which held our vittels. While eating our pumpernickel 
with butter and cheese we watched what was going on. 
Japanese workingmen, all of them wearing white cotton 
gloves, were busy with some task of repairing railway 
spikes or something of this order. A number of Chinese 
peasants with their families and others were squatting, 
apparently waiting like us for another train. There 
were few activities of any interest. 

For an hour or so we sat in peace on our bench with 
no train in sight anywhere. Then gradually all the people 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of itl 



- 126 - 



# 



including the Japanese laborers disappeared into the 
station building. Within a few minutes we two were the 
only living beings outside the building proper. We began 
to wonder. It was kind of eerie. 

At last the little*, bow-legged station master, wear« 
ing the red cap of his office, came out and rapidly ap- 
proached us. .^nnie and I looked at each other. What now? 

What now? The little man stopped in front of us and 
excitedly talked to us after he had first politely bowed. 
A Japanese will always bow politely, even if he was going 
to punch you in the nose afterwards. I told him in German 
that we didn't understand a word he said and that he could 
go and fly a kike for all I cared. It didn't make any 
difference. Each time I opened my mouth he stopped talk- 
ing and looked at us as if we weren't quite right in our 



m 



inds. He was pointing to the nearest door leading into 



the building. Nothing doing, I told him. We wouldn't move 
an inch. It was no fault of ours that we had missed the 
Asia Express. Again he bowed to us. What could I do? I 
got up and bowed to him, telling him at the same time to 
go to hell. While again and again he pointed to the door 
leading into the station, I pointed to our thirteen suit- 
cases, then shook my head, indicating that we had no in- 
tention of moving wi-6i all that luggage. Finally the 
redcap gave up. As we watched htm hastily retreating 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 127 - 






into the building, I proudly told Annie how smart I 
was. We had won over that officious son-of-a-gun. The 
heck I had won. A minute later he re-appeared with two 
porters who just picked up our suitcases and carried 
them into the building. What choice did we have? Remon=» 
strate some more with the little station master? Fight 
Japanese City Hall? We two^ poor, lonely foreigners had 
to follow our only possessions we had left. The two porters 
deposited our baggage at the proper baggage department 
and we got a piece of paper with something printed on it 
in Japanese which we assumed was a receipt. Meanwhile all 
doors were closed and locked. Japanese soldiers appeared 
from nowhere and guarded the windows. 

Not a soul was in sight at the totally deserted 
platforms and railway tracks. We waited for a few minutes 
and then it happened. A train with three modem passenger 
cars rolled through the station. All window shades in the 
cars were drawn. Japanese soldiers with their rifles aimed 
to all sides were lying flat and in firing position on the 
car roofs. On the steps of the engine and the front bumper 
were more soldiers ready to shoot. I wondered if they would 
have shot at us if we had stayed on the platform. A single 
locomotive had preceded the train by about a hundred yards. 
This locomotive with its engineer and two more men were 
apparently expendable in case the rails had been mined 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 128 - 



or otherwise tampered with. Each car of the train bore 
the Imperial seal of the Emperor of Manchukuo. He had 
been the last Chinese Emperor before he was forced to 
abdicate. In March of 1932 the Japanese had installed 
Henry Pu-Yi as their puppet emperor of the newly con=» 
quered land of Manchuria. When. he traveled in his train, 
no one was allowed close to the/tracks and he could not 
even look out and show his face. The Manchurian Chinese 
considered Pu-Yi a traitor and his life was constantly 
threatened by the many guerilla groups, roaming the 
countryside. 

Later in 1946 poor Henry Pu-Yi testified at a war 
crimes trial that he had been the unwilling tool of the 
Japanese militarists. 

Shortly after the Imperial train had safely passed 

the/ 
the station /Qoors were unlocked and opened again. Every- 
thing returned to normal. The station master showed up 
again, bowed to us and said something which sounded like 

a polite apology. I asked him by sign language when we 

index / 
could expect another train? He lifted his/finger, then 

pulled his clumsy pocket watch and pointed to one o'clock. 

I nodded and thanked him. Since it was only ten- thirty 

we decided to take a walk into town. Our baggage was 



# 



secure and we were free for some sightseeing. Please, 
don't worry.' Nothing came of itI 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 129 - 






I don't think we had walked more than a hundred 
yards when two Japanese M.P.'s stopped and arrested 
us. It was a damned nuisance. For once we had a chance 
to be on our own and then were forced to turn back and 
perhaps thown into jail although we couldn't imagine 
why. We hadn't committed any crime, or had we? At the 
station we were taken to an office to be confronted by 
a Japanese officer who looked quite grim as if we were 
two dangerous criminals. He let us sit down and then 
read what appeared to be the two questionnaires we had 
filled out in the train between Manchuli and Harbin. 
Luckily I kept my mouAi shut for once although I was 
very much tempted to voice my violent objections. The 
officer understood and spoke German fairly well. 

After he had gone through the questioi^ires he 
looked at us with stern disapproval. "You wrote here," 
he said, "that you would continue your journey on the 
Asia Express after arrival in Harbin." 

That really got my goat. "How the hell could we 

have continued our trip on the Asia Express?" I asked 

him, not hiding my wrath. "That goddamned train pulled 

out while ours rolled Into the station. Why in the name 

of all the gods in all the world couldn't the Asia Express 

more/ 
wait for a few/minutes so that we could make the connection? 

Besides," I added, "we paid three extra dollars each for 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 130 - 



% 



% 



the privilege of traveling on the Asia Express. Some 
one owes us six dollars." 

The officer was not Impressed. So much I could see. 
He lit himself a cigarette and let the smoke escape through 
both his nostrils - dragon-like. 

"Why did you leave the station?" he Inquired. 

"To go sightseeing. What else? I hope, that Isn't 
a crime around here." 

"It could be. You didn't state In your questlonalres 



that you Intended to go sightseeing In Harbin. 



11 



I In- and exhaled deeply. Boy, oh boy, I thought, 
what kind of Idiocy was that? "How could we state that? 
We were supposed to transfer without delay to the Asia 
Express . " 

I hope that at last he would understand. But to no 
avail. Bureaucrats and Inferior military officers never 
understand anything. 

"You may be spies for all we know," he accused us. 



• • T U J 



# 



This city Is a mecca for spies." 

"I don't care what kind of mecca this city Is. Be» 
sides, what is there to spy upon?" 

"Military Installations," the officers said. 

"Oh, come now I" I sighed in despair about so much 
stupidity. 

"If you were as Innocent as you act," the officer 



Please, don! t worry! Nothing came of iti 



- 131 - 




continued, "you'd have asked for a permit to go into 
town." 

"Nobody had told us that we need one." 

Our conversation, if one could call it that, had come 
to a dead end. The two M.P.'s were still standing behind 
us, and I was prepared that we would be taken to jail. In 
my silly imagination I saw already how we were indicted 
for spying, sentenced to die and be shot by a firing 
squad. I wondered what famous last words I would shout 
just before the order to fire was given? Long live - 
what? Hitler? Stalin? I decided on President Roosevelt. 
He was our best bet. 




"You two have committed a grave offense and I 



am 




empowered to hold you for trial," the officer advised us. 

I didn't know then if it was true in real life, but 

I had read in books and seen on films that someone arrested 

had the legal right for one telephone call. Whom could I 

call in Harbin of all places? The German Consul - if there 

was one? Oh no , I thought, not him. He would care a damn 

about us. We were fugitives from Nazi-Germany where they 

had open season on Jews. In fact, the German Consul instead 

of helping us might get the idea to recommend to his su» 

perior in Berlin t^ request our extradition. That's all 

we/ 
we needed after^d gotten so far. At this moment it was 

driven home to me that people like us had no protection 
w^ixtsoever. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 132 - 



# 



All I could rely on was my wit. I had parleyed my 
self out of serious troubled before . Now I had to do it 



• 



again. As in a flashback I remembered that I even had 
parleyed myself once out of a general court-martial in 
the German army. My offense had been that I had refused 
to be a member of a firing squad to shoot s^e francti^ 
reurs (guerillas they would call them now) . Most im* 
portant was not to show fear. Showing fear brings out 
the worst in your enemy. I quickly glanced at Annie, 
sitting at my side. She smiled at me and took my hand 
into hers. Her confidence in me frightened me. I knew 
what she was thinking. We were able to read our minds. 

"All right," she thought as she trustingly squeezed 
my hand, "now it's your turn. You won't let a mere Japan= 
ese officer brow-beat you, would you?" 

She was right. The best defense was always an of= 
fensive move whether or not I felt squeamish in my stomach. 
I had to attack. Tallyho, hurrah - or whatever. 

"Holding us for trial?" I asked, acting boiling mad. 
"For how long?" 

"Oh - perhaps a few weeks or months," he said casu- 
ally. 

I had the feeling he got a kick out of paying cat 
and mice with us. It was ridiculous. Here we were as inno- 



cent as babes in the wood and I was determined to blow my 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 133 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it I 



- 134 - 




top. Howi^^s I going to do that with two armed soldiers 
standing behind us? We were at that officer's mercy and 
he knew it. 



<• T I 



I m going to send a cablegram to President Roose=» 
velt," I said impulsively. 
"What?" 
"You heard me. I want to seTid a cablegram to Presi = 



dent Roosevelt. 



II 



That did it. The officer exploded into a burst of 
laughter. "President Roosevelt?" he asked and laughed 
some more. "Is he a friend of yours?" 



"My best friend," I assured him as sincerely as I 




could. 




"And he'll send an army to rescue you, won't he?" 

"He'll sen fit an ultimatum to your government in Japan," 
I advised him, having a hard time not to laugh myself. 
Sometimes I got the craziest brain storms. 

The mood had changed. "All right, you win," the offi- 
cer admitted and then informed us that he would let us go 
if we promised to stay within the confines of the railway 
station. We could board the mail train to Hsingking at 
one o'clock and from there the connecting express to 
Dairen. 

We were dismissed, but we didn't give that man the 
satisfaction of showing that we felt relieved. We just 



walked out and that was that. 



we met Karl Holz aRain / 

When/VHfll on the boat from Dairen to 
him/ 

Shanghai 1 told/>PB about this incident. He shook his 
head. "That officer had no intention of throwing you in 
jail. He was doing you a favor," 

"A favor? He prevented us from seeing the town." 

"Sure, he did. He preventa^you from getting into 
real trouble. You had no business to go sightseeing in 
Harbin all by yourselves." 

"Why not? We went sightseeing all by ourselves 
before." 

"But not in Harbin," Holz patiently explained. "Harbin 
is known as the Mecca and Medina for all sorts of crooks, 
muggers, con-men and certainly many hunghut-se as Chinese 
bandits are called. All of these kindly people love to 
prey on greenhorns like you and cut your throats to boot." 

"But all these kindly people left you, the Dutchman 
as well as Pfeiffer and Schneider in peace, didn't they?" 
1 asked ironically. 

"No, not if we had been greehorns. The Dutchman and 
I know our way around there. We're old hands in these parts. 
There are certain districts one better avoids like the pest. 
Believe me - Harbin is a dangerous place for greenhorns." 

"Is that the end of the lecture?" I couldn't help 



but feeling a little peeved. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 135 - 





Holz laughed. '*Sure. This is your first time. Asia 
and Europe are world's apart. One just doesn't wander 
around in a strange city in Asia like you do in Europe. 
Besides - who wants to go sightseeing in Harbin? It's 
faceless, neither occidental nor oriental. There isn't 
much to see. It's nothing but an ugly city on the shores 
of the drab Sungari river. That's all." Suddenly he smiled 
broadly. "You didn't miss a thing - unless you wanted to 
visit one of the many bordellos or care to get waylayed, 
robbed or killed." 

Now I smiled broadly. He didn't know about Timothy. 
Moreover, I thought he was exaggerating to show his super* 
iority as an old Asia-hand which was silly since he was 
only in his early twenties. No city could be that bad 
although strangely enough I never could find Harbin mention= 
ed in any tourist guide book. After all, it's a city with 
more than a million population. According tO encyclopedias 
it hasn't much of a history, having been founded by Russians 
as a construction settlement as late as 1897. 

Timothy just tells me that he never would have let 
us visit a bordello. They're off-limits for guardian- 
angels. 




All right - we had given our word not to 
leave the railway station again and so we didn't. Shortly 
before one o'clock we retrieved our suitcases from the 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



- 136 - 






baggage department and decently enough weren't charged 
anything. At least, they didn't add injury to insult. 
We were standing on the platform when the mail train 
huffed and puffed into the station. With all the others 
who had waited we boarded it. The cars had no separate 
compartments, but we found two seats in the center of 
one and settled down for the almost twelve hour slow 
trip. I'm almost tempted to use the old cliche "slow 
boat to China", but actually we were already in China, 
Japanese occupation or not. With the Asia Express it 
would have taken us less than half the time. Well, as 
I told you before, we met the friendly, old Chinese 
peasant whom I strangely enough called "Ottokar", and 
Annie unwittingly performed her striptease to the a» 
musement of our Chinese fellow travelers. 

Nothing else happened. When we arrived around mid- 
night in Hsingking, the express train to Dairen was wait- 
ing for us on the opposite side of the platform. 

It was a good train as trains go. A comfortable, 
clean train, and there was a pleasant washroom in each 
car, but as I said before the faucets never produced more 
than a trickle of water, just enough to wash our hands 
superficially. No chance, as we had hoped, for a sponge 
bath. Anyway, we discovered that we had forgotten tf 0ti 
to take at least one sponge along. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it! 



- 137 - 






We didn't know why, but ever since our arrival in 
Harbin we had seen neither the Dutschman, Pfeiffer, Schnei= 
der nor Holz. As a matter of fact we never found out how 
and when they managed to reach Dairen in time for the 
boat to Shanghai. But there they were, a little worse 
for wear, though. 

In Hsingking we had to transfer our suitcases with=* 
out any help. We couldn't afford to hire a porter. Our 
forty dollars were dwindling away and we had to have 
enough money left to pay at least one month's rent for 
the promised room at the home of Karl's parents in 
Shanghai, even if we would stuii^je to death in it. We 
had become quite dubious in regard to Pfeiffer. It could 
very well be that we wouldn't see a single cent of the 
fifteen hundred Mark we had lent him in Hamburg. Of course, 
the loss would be kind of illusory, even if he had conned 
us. We couldn't have taken the money with us. It had just 
been a gamble which would pay off if Pfeiffer would be an 
honest man. 

We had found two opposite window seats in the express 
train and looked out upon the lighted platform. Oh, how 
sick and ^tired one could get of platforms because after 
all with the exception of Moscow and in my case in Man* 
chuli all we had seen so far had been railway station 



platforms after having traveled for almost two weeks. 



This time, though, we were rewarded by a good show just 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 138 - 



% 




outside our compartment window. A middle-aged Japanese 
woman and what we assumed where her son and daughter 

were saying farewell to one another. Mother and daughter 

attired/ 
were wearing beautiful kimonos and the son was/in a sort 

of cadet uniform. He was the one to leave because he had 

a suitcase standing at his feet. Both son and daughter 

were in their late teens or early twenties. However, 

to be correct, they did not "say" farewell, they "bowed" 

farewell. Anyone, I guess, has at one time or other seen 

one / 
the polite Japanese custom of bowing, but/has to watch 

it personally to get the full impact of the ceremony. 

We were absolutely fascinated. To our dull Western 

minds and eyes it seemed to be wonderfully ridiculous. 

But who were we to judge? The Chinese peasants in the 



mail train must have thought that Annie and I were wond 
fully ridiculous. So it goes. Anyway, for fully ten 
minutes and without saying a single word the mother 
bowed to her son, then the son bowed to his mother, 
then the sister bowed to her brother, then her brother 
bowed to his sister. This play repeated itself without 



er' 



interruption like in a puppet show 



where the 



puppet master had forgotten to go on with the action. 
They bowed and bowed and we stared and stared. Their 
faces did not show any expression. It seemed to be serious 
business. They bowed until they heard the last call to 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 139 - 






board the train. The son picked up his suitcase and, 
without looking back once, he stepped into our car. 
A few seconds later he entered our compartment where 
he swung his suitca^i^e on the overhead rack. Mother and 
sister were still standing out .side, but the young man 
did not as much as wave to them. He looked at the two 
of us. Not wanting to be impolite we smileeat him in 
our Western ways of bidding him welcome. That was a 
mistake. CXir smile compelled^ the young man to respond 
by bowing to us. What could we do? We got up and bowed 
to him. As the saying goes - when in Rome do 'as the 
Romans do. The young man bowed back again and we, not 
knowing better, did the same. Well, Annie never liked 
to be upstaged. She bowed twice the second time, so he 
bowed twice. I almost flipped, though, when Annie - as 
if she were playing a part in a stage play - bowed to 
me. All right - if that's the way it was going to be - 
I bowed to her and then we bowed together to the young 
man who bowed back to us . I wonder now if we would have 
been bowing to one another for ten hours all the way 
to Daircn. Luckily, the train started moving with a 
sudden lurch which throw us onto our seats. That was 
the end of our acquaintance with the young Japanese 
fellow. He never as much as looked at us again. We 
didn't exchange a single word. I missed our friendly 



Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came of it I 



- 1 lO - 



% 



Ottokar who had welcomed us to the Far East. The old 

peasant probably could neither read nor write, but he 

had a heart of gold. He had felt our loneliness and 

so he had talked to us. We instinctively knew that all 

he wanted was to be kind. He probably loved people, all 

sorts of people, even foreign devils like us. He was 

loufi ,as / 
satisfied asfhe could fill his stomach every day, had 

a place to sleep and some people to talk to. It occurred 

to me if our Ottokar would have been the emperor of Man=» 

chukuo, he wouldn't have drawn the window shades in his 

have / 
train. He would /waved to his people. He was a kind, old 

man who had no need to bow with ceremonial politeness. 

He was a link between West and East for us . But not so 

this young man who quite obviously came from a higher 

class of society than our Ottokar. By bowing to us he 

had just followed the custom of his people, the same 

as we doff our hats or nod to one another. Unlike the 

simple, old peasant Ottokar this young and probably well 

educated man was aware of the difference in our cultures 

as well as of the language barrier. And so were we in his 

presence. For ten hours we shared the same compartment, 

breathed the same air, but neither he nor we made an 



f 



attempt to get acquainted. There was no charisma between 
us, this extra-ordinary mental power which so easily 
links the minds and emotions of people. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it! 



- 141 - 






At last our traveling on trains ended in 
Daircn. or^ as it is better known^r at the Yellow Sea 
naval base of Port Arthur on the Liaotung Peninsula. 
We unloaded our suitcases a'Xd piled them up on the plat = 
form as we had done before. We missed our friend Karl 
Holz. It was nine in the morning and the boat for Shang=* 
hai was supposed to leave at noon. I had to go into town 
to have our reservation confirmed at the Japanese steam= 
ship office. Once more and with a heavy hearc^ I had to 
leave Annie at the railway station in charge of our 
baggage. Timothy and 1 took a taxi. Without Holz I had 
no other choice to find my way. The /^ip to and fro cost 
us another dollar. Our boat reservation was manifested 
all right, but the news that the ship had left at eight 
in the mo/^ning instead of at noon as scheduled almost 
floored me. We had to stay in Dairen for fully three days 
until the departure of the next Shanghai bound ship. How 
the heck could we do it without spending whatever money 
we had left? 

Holz told us later that the Shanghai-bound steamers 
often left early so thatthe train passengers missed the 
connection and had to stay in a hotel for three days. He 

didn't know for sure, but the way he figured it was that 

« 
possibly the steamship L/ne got a pay-off from the hotel 

owners . 



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- 142 - 



As we were to find out over the years of our travels 



4 



and travails each place - city or country - had her 



own 



special brand of racket. Some of them - like the hole in 

the road to Wusi between Shanghai and Nangking - were 

real daisies. Human greed doesn't know national boundaries. 

Dairen was anything but a tourist town. Regular passen= 
ger liners did not stop there. The hotels could use the 
extra business of people stranded for a number of days. 
Knowing about it, Holz had spent two full days with his 
girlfriend in Harbin. The Dutchman with Pfeiffer and 
Schneider had done the same with three prostitutes. In 
contrast to Dairen Harbin was a wide-open town. 

I was really down in the dumps when I returned to 
the railway station. Poor Orphan Annie was still sitting 



on 



our suitcase pile. Each time I had to leave her alone, 



Timothy got angry with me. How could he protect her when 
he was duty-bound to accompany me? It didn't help any 
that again and again I assured him that Annie could well 
take care of herself and that I considered her more of an 
angel than he was. 

With the sweet smile of a fairy she looked up at 
me when she saw me again. While I had worried about her, 
she had worried about me. We always worry about each other 
when we are separated, even if only for a few minutes. She 
is an angel with a knack of getting acquainted with strange 
people who could be of help to us. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- I'O - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it'. 



- 144 - 






The railways station in Daircn was the business 
center for hotel runners. One of them, a Jewish fellow, 
who claimed to hail from Turkey or thereabouts, had at= 
tached himself to Annie while I was gone. She knew already 
about the disaster that we had to stay for three days in 
Dairen (if I had waited a little while I could have saved 
the taxi fare) and had made all the arrangements neces= 
sary with this man. He spoke Yiddish and Annie understood 
roost of what he said while he understood most of Annie's 
German. The gist of their agreement was that he would 
take us to a brand-new hotel where we had only to pay 
three dollars per night. It sounded somewhat phony to me 
and I was suspicious of this fellow. Who could tell to 
what kind of a hovel he would take us? He might even be 
a white slave trader. After I got my throat cut, he could 
sell Annie for what she was worth. For a second I was 
determined to get rid of him, but then I realized that 
as usual I had a hell of a macabre imagination. It's one 
of the side-effects one had to endure when one believes 
to be a writer, mixing reality with phaiy^:asy. Winston 
Churchill had said something about the truth being so 
precious that it had to be surrounded by lies. I could 
do no better than putting my trust in Annie's common 
sense and Timothy's protection. However, before I gave 
my consent I asked, "Does this brand-new hotel have 



bathrooms?" 

The man looked at me as if I had personally insulted 
him. "Bathrooms?" He kissed the tips of his fingers with 
a smacking sound. "It has the most modem bathrooms in 
the world. The Tah Mahal Hotel in Bombay, the Dai Iti 
Hotel in Tokyo, or even the Bernini Hotel in Rome could 
not boast of better accommodations." 

I noticed that he had not mentioned any hotel I might 
have known - as for instance the Adlon Hotel in Berlin 
or Die Vier Jahreszeiten in Hamburg. It increased my 
suspicion although I'm by nature not a suspicious charac=" 
ter. Annie even insists that I'm the most guileless person 
in the world, but she, of course, is prejudiced in my favor. 
In regard to the bathrooms, please, don't worryl Nothing 
c ame of i 1 1 

The three of us gathered our suitcases, walked out of 
the station and took another taxi to that brand-new hotel 
where I reluctantly handed the man a dollar tip which 
understandably he didn't find very generous. For a moment 
he stared at the single dollar bill, shook his head in dis= 
belief and muttered in Yiddish something akin to: "May 
your children pee on your feet, not mine." We never saw a 



m 



an disappear so fast as he. For a dollar he wouldn't give 



us another helping hand with our baggage. The hotel was a 
simple, square cement building with no resemblance to any 



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Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



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of the luxurious hostelries he had mentioned. At least, 
he had not lied about the room price. Six dollars for 
two nights . Before we were /through with Dairen and the 
sea voyage to Shanghai our capital had shrunA' to twenty- 
one dollars . 

The Hotel Oriental was brand-new all right. In fact, 
it was so new that it wasn't all finished yet. It had 
modem bathrooms, thank God, beautifully tiled with large 
tubs and everything one could dream off - with the ex=» 
caption of water. The pipes weren't yet connected. The 



all we could do was sleeping or wandering around in 
Dairen which the Chinese called "Talien" and the Russian 
"Dalny". Nowadays ^inc luding the naval base Port Arthur^ 
it has the name of "Lu-ta". It was not an interesting 
or impressive city, partly occidental and partly oriental. 
There was nothing special to see and if there was, we 
missed it. 

FindXly on the third morning we could board the 

"Hoten Maru", a very small steamship that didn't instill 

didn' t have/ 
us with much confidence to its sea-worthiness. It/l 



same applied to the little wash basin in our room. No 



more than a dozen passenger cabins. Pfeiffer and Schneider 




water connection yet. Luckily the flush toilet worked 
already, but that was the extent of water supply. Other= 



were already on board. When we met them, they boasted of 

had/ 



the good time they had/in Harbin, but I didn't l3t th 



em 



wise the room was simply, but quite nicely furnished. We ^t^* 



get into details in regard to their carnal exploits in 



wouldn't have cared to sleep on the floor, if we only 
could havef*had some water to wash. We stayed dirty, and 



the presence of Annie. When the call came for "tiffin" 
(lunch to you), we found Holz sitting with us. He looked 



we had no choice but to live mostly out of our food suit= 



a little worse for wear. 



cases. The room clerk managed to get for us from somewhere 



After we had stowed our suitcases away into our 



enough hot water to fill our thermos bottle twice a day 



tiny cabin we made a dash for the one and only bathroom 



so we could brew ourselves some coffee or tea. 



aboard. There was a sign on the door which read in several 



However^ we had a nutrition problem. One cannot exist 
on pumpernickel, crackers, sausage and cheese alone. We 



languages that the bathroom facilities were out of order 
for the duration of the trip. The Hoten Maru was in service 




needed some vegetable or at least some fruit. We dis» 
covered that one could buy forty small, red bananas for 

twenty American cents to supplement our feeding. Otherwise 



for some fifty years and very much lacked in modern 
ac c omod a t i on s . / 




We still had no choice but to stay dirty. 
Quite obviously the gods who ruled over wasing water were 



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Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



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in a conspiracy against us. 

The journey from Dalren to Shanghai took forty- 
eight hours, twenty- four of which we were seasick, and 
I mean seasick. This little shell of a vessel took the 
swells of the ocean in a very unkindly manner. She behaved 
like a roller-coaster. Up and down and down and up. The 
sea was roughf. Not exactly stormy, but quite close to 
it. This little steamship, not bigger than a river boat, 
had to ride high waves while we were lying in our bunks, 
groaning and moaning. Strangely enough, this was the only 
time I got seasick. We certainly were happy when the 
Hoten Maru docked at Tsingtao the next morning. We had 
time to go ashore for a couple of hours. 

Tsingtao, a German possession from 1898 to 1914 
(from the end of the boxer rebellion to the beginning 
of the first world war) still bore the marks of that 
period. We didn't enjoy it. It reminded us too much of 
the land from where we had fled. The bitterness, until 
then suppressed, welled up. Quite unreasonably so. Tsingtao, 
after all, was not to blame for the Nazis. But we were 
determined to forget Germany. That was impossible in 
Tsingtao where most of the Chinese spoke some sort of 
pidgin-German. There were typical German churches with 

their highl and pointed steeples, sticking like sharp 

toward / 
needles/fiSSthe sky. Many street names were still in 



German. There were ^ggH houses built in typical small- 
city German style. Tsingtao could as well be a city like 

Erfurt for instance, if it hadn't been for the Chinese 

of/ 
population. The whole atmosphere was thatja provincial 

German town although it was supposed to have a population 

of more than a million people. We didn't know it then, but 

it was probably the cleanest, most orderly city in all of 

China. The truth was, though, that we couldn't yet stomach 

anything German, even if it was only a facsimile. In 

later years we learned better than to condemn an entire 

nation for the brutal savages who at that time /Ravaged 

the beautiful country of Germany. 

We were glad to return to the Hoten Maru and didn't 
look back on Tsingtao as we got under steam. The second 
day of our short ocean voyage was much better. The sea 
was calm. No more malade-de-mer. 

The next morning we reached the more than a mile wide 
estuary of the Yang tze-Kiang or Yellow River and two 
hours later the ship turned into its tributary*^ the Whang- 
poo, on the shores of which Shanghai is situated. 

The Hoten Maru had not yet fastened to its wharf when 
she was literally invaded by hordes of wildly shouting 
and running coolies, all of them intent on grabbing our 
precious suitcases. If it had not been for Karl Holz, 
coming to our rescue and taking charge, we would have been 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of tt! 



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Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



- 150 - 






overwhelmed and defeated. Neither Annie nor I could act 

fast enough to retrieve our <?ases. Until Holz appeared 

on the scene we fought a losing battle. Wc were bewildered, 

exhausted and absolutely helpless. How could we know that 

all these poor devils wanted was to earn a few coppers for 

carrying our baggage to the custom shed. To us they looked 

like a gang of robbers intent on piracy. Holz with a few 

Chinese swear words got the rabble under control. He picked 

three coolies who took our suitcases to the customs and 

from there to a taxi for which Holz paid each one of them 

two/ 
five coppers or less than/f^ American cenDfl 

During our fight with the coolies Timothy lost his 
head altogether. He against several dozens of wild men 
was too much for him. He got unnerved. In fact, he was 
ready to call it quits then and there. Forgetting his 
celestial status, he began to swear like a drunken sailor, 
something a good angel was never allowed to do. He was 
totally out of his mind and believed that these yelling, 
fighting, dirty coolies were emissaries from hell. He was 
beseeching heaven for help, but only Karl Holz materialized, 
and one could hardly call him a celestial warrior. Timothy 
never told me what kind of penance he had to do for his 
swearing. 

While we were busy with getting our suitcases through 
customs, Pfetffer and Schneider waved us good-bye, and that 



was the last time we saw our "friend" Pfeiffer. We never 
succeeded in tracing him and he never contacted us to 



repay his debt* 



Res ipsa loquitor - the thing 



speaks for itself. Or, as Elbert Hubbard wrote: "Life 
is one damned thing after another." or, as I said - we 
had been conned. We had to begin a new life with the 
twenty dollars we had left. 

At last we truly had arrived in the Far East. Yet, 
as we were to learn^ Shanghai was not China as New York 
is not the United States of America. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of iti 



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Please, don't worry I Nothing came of ttl 



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CHAPTER FIVE 



SHANGHAI - UWEU SHE STILL WAS SH/\NGHAI . 





The arrival at any strange port 

of destination may evoke all sorts of emotions, curiosity 

perhaps, or thrill, or joy, depending on what you are, 

whom you expect to meet, or what you intend to do. Shang= 

hai was our first port of destination and the total of 

our emotions was a feeling of insecurity. We were neither 

tourists nor on a business trip, nor were we visiting 

relatives or friends. We had no job awaiting us. We were 

penniless refugees«,exiles , emigrants, or whatever you 

will call it. We were two lost people, deprived of our 

past and utterly unsure of our future. 

No one was expecting us and perhaps we were not even 

wanted. No one ha& promised us a livelihood or even an 

existence. All we possessed were our miserable thirteen 

suitcases, two entry-visas with no promises attached to 

them and about twenty dollars in cash. We had to flee 

for our lives from the land of our birth. We had left 

behind a way of living to which we had been accustomed. 

We had been separated from our relatives and our friends. 

Whatever we had achieved and acquired, professionally and 

materially, in years of hard work was irretrievably lost. 

To sum it up, on the day we reached Shanghai we were nothing, 
but still alive - and that was something for which we had 
to be very grateful under the circumstances. And so we were. 



We had not a single compact idea of how and where to start 
a new life. Having been actors and in my case also a writer 
we were bound - for some time, at least - to the German 
language which would be of little help to us. We had to 
learn a new language and this Babel of the Far East was 
a place of many tongues - Chinese, English, French. Portu« 
guese, Russian and many more. 

The naked truth was that two poor refugees would not 
arouse mm interest in a city where poor refugees were 
abound. Thousands and thousands of Russians had fled to 
Shanghai after the Soviet Republic had been declared a 
workers' paradise. Many of them had come and few had been 
able to make even a scant living. We, Annie and I, were 
like driftwood, thrown onto a strange beach, not knowing 
if anyone would care to pick us up. We were like fish out 
of water who had to learn how to breathe. 

Timothy, being sure that we had arrived in hell, 
simply collapsed in the taxi. The three of us were so 
dazed that we were unable to see, hear, or talk - like 
the throe ],gendary monkeys. We were deaf and dumb, dead- 
tired and very, very dirty. We had no first impression 
whatsoever of this most exciting, most international, 
most outrageous metropolis. We later did not remember 
how we got to the Holz residence. We were so bewildered 
and lost that Karl Holz could have kidnaped us, done away 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



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Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 154 . 






with us without meeting any resistance. This was the only 
time where Timothy might have failed to protect us. He 
admitted it later and shuddered at what would have happen=* 
ed to him. He certainly would have been condemned to hell's 
fire. He was in a state of shock for the first and last 
time. Whenever later I reminded him of it, he flew into 
a rage that must have cost him some demerits in his 
heavenly account. 

Holz had told us that his parents lived in a house 
which was situated in an alley off Avenue Haig in the 
French Concession. Well, when the taxi came to a stop 
at the narrow alley, Holz climbed out over all our gear 
and advised us to stay in the taxi until after he had 
talked to his parents. They didn't even know that he 
was coming home. So we waited and waited, anxiously watch= 
ing the ticking meter. We didn't know that one couldn't 
pay in cash for a taxi ride. 

In fact, the employment of a taxi in Shanghai was 
absolute unique. Only at wharfs, when passenger boats 
arrived, were waiting taxis allowed. Otherwise no one 
could hail a taxi on the street because kidnaping was 
a great sport in Shanghai. Besides, the Shanghai taxi 
companies wouldn't trust any of their drivers to accept 
money. Cheating was also a great sport. The occupant of 



month was presented with a total bill which he either 
paid to the money collectors (compradores , as they were 
called) or directly to the companies. If one wanted a 
taxi, one had to phone one of the taxi companies to send 
one. They in turn told you the license number of the car 
to assure you that everything was on the up and up. Non- 
residents like us could not sign chits. The Holzes had 
to do that for us and we would re-imburse them. 

Almost ten minutes passed before Karl emerged again 
from the house. That ticking money meter had gotten so 
much on my nerves that I could have screamed. Annie was 
so tired that she scarcely could keep her eyes open. I 
nudged her, and we both looked anxiously at our friend 
as he slowly approached us. The expression on his face 
was not very encouraging. He put his head into the car 
window and told us that his father had died while he was 
on his way back home. 

We somehow expressed our sympathy, but the news were 
like a dash of cold water on our hopes. What would happen 
now? If we wouldn't get the room in Holz's house, where 
were we going to go? What were we going to do in this 
fear- inspiring city? We had not enough money for a hotel, 
or probably no more than for a few days. 

Karl must have seen the expression of apprehension 



a taxi had to sign a chit and then at the end of each 



on our faces. He smiled and assured us not to worry. 



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Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came oC It I 



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"Mother has a small attic room which she's willing 
to rent to you. She wants twenty Shanghai dollars a month 
for it/ 

Twenty Shanghai dollars were about sven American 
dollars and after paying the taxi fare we would have 
about ten dollars left, enough to get us through the 



first few weeks if we skimped as far as eating was c 



on= 




cerned. Karl signed the chit for the taxi and we gave him 
three dollars plus a twenty cents tip for the driver. 
What can one say to a strange woman who just had 
lost her husband? We managed to tell her how sorry we 
were, and we thanked her for letting us have the room. 
We paid her the rent for one month, and she without say= 
ing a word led us up a narrow staircase to the attic. She 
was a tiny, kind of dried-up woman whose eyes seemed to 
have gone dead. Karl and I took the suitcases and lueced 



them up. 




It was a small room all right, not larger than six 
feet wide and twelve feet long. There were two iron beds 
with patched-up mosquito nets and no more than half a foot 
passage between them. At the window stood a little, rickety 
table and two narrow wooden chairs. That was all. We had 
to leave our suitcases outside in the hall where we were 
give/the use of an old-fashioned wardrobe. Mrs. Holz also 
allowed Annie to use the kitchen on the ground floor. 



After a while I began to call our room our prison 
cell, for that was about the size of it. Yet, at the 



mome 



nt we were very grateful for having a roof over 



our head. A floor down below was the bathroom which we 
had to share with another roomer and Karl. We took a 
cake of soap and two towels out of one of the suitcases 
as well as our pajamas and robes and then headed straight 
for the bathroom, that is the very moment we were left 
to ourselves. 

Yes, indeed, the bathroom had a large, old-fashioned 
tub, spacy enough for the two of us, hot and cold running 
water and as soon as it was halfway filled up we stepped 
into it. We just sat down and soaked as happy as two 
children who had received the most wanted, the most 
wonderful, the most expensive Christmas present. HqC 
water - what a luxury! Hct water after sixteen days of 
almost no water. Who can ever imagine the joy we ex= 
perienced? Three times we let the dirty water run out 
and fresh one fill up the tub again i 

For one full hour we soaked and soaped and rinsed. 
What a feast 1 At last we scrubbed and cleansed the tub, 
put on our pajamas and robes, picked up our clothes and 
soiled underwear and climbed up to our room. It was still 
daytime, but we went to bed, and we still could feel the 
sway of the ocean in us . A bath and a bed. Whoever would 



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Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



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think they could be precious luxuries? To us they were 
on this first day and night in Shanghai. We were deter- 
mined not to move until the following morning. Just rest 
and sleep and if possible not think, if that would be 
attainable. As usual Annie prayed for the two of us, 
thanking God for the long, safe journey from Hamburg to 
Shanghai, for the bath and the room. We had had a sub= 
stantial breakfast on the Hoten Maru and that would have 
to suffice until the next day. We were not yet altogether 
destitute. Our rent was paid for a full month. We still 
had about ten dollars left as well as a few vittels in 
our food suitcase. In the morning we would contemplate 
our future, if we had one. 

Timothy, too, was relatively happy because we had 
found lodgings with a decent German woman. He had been 
quite apprehensive that we might have to live with a 
Chinese "heathen" family, a thought that had disturbed 
him despite the fact that he had assured me many times 
that a guardian angel was not supposed to have any pre= 
judices. No wonder that he still was on probation in 
heaven. 

Annie, after ending her prayer, fell asleep from one 
second to the next. She can do that any time. 




One may well ask how it feels to be a 
poor refugee in a strange country, a strange city among 
strange people who speak a strange tongue or many strange 
tongues? One may also ask how one manages to survive with= 
out any money to speak of and no real prospect of earning 
some? One may ask how deeply it hurts to have been torn 
from one's family and friends, from one's life-work, 
one's career and projected future? One may ask how one 
does suppress one's bitterness for a nation that has 
forced innocent people to all the misery of being persons 
without a country? One may ask and ask many questions, 
but who wants to hear the answers? One may ask about 
the heartbreak when one has to walk out of one's life, 
out of one's home, leaving behind everything one has 
owned in order to escape a fate which to contemplate 
was almost impossible? One may ask again how one can 
start to build a new life, a new career without for= 
getting the lost years of ambition and work? But one 
has to forget or one never will be able to start living 
again. 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, sisters and brothers, 
i^body ever asked any of these questions. During this 
first night in Shanghai I alone did ask them. I did not 
have the capacity to fall asleep like Annie although I 



felt as exhausted and tired as she has been. She could 



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- 159 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 160 - 






sleep under any circumstances, but not I. I always had 
been a poor sleeper and now I was lying awake in this 
narrow, sparsely furnished attic room under a mosquito 
net which needed washing. By some miracle we had landed 
in this room, this prison cell, which would be our home 
for at least four weeks or longer if we could come up 
with another^t month^rcnt. There was no air-conditioning 
or even a fan to alleviate the tropical, humid summer 
heat and no heater for the cold winter days. My reso= 
lution not to think about our situation had been in vain. 

All of a sudden it hit me. It really did hit me 
hard like a heavy blow on the head that I had only 
questions and not a single answer. I fell into the 
deepest well of depression and could not see any way 
how to crawl out of it. It was not my nature to be de= 
pressed ever, at least not for any length of time, and 
I should have known that by morning I would be all right 
again. I was not the kind of man to give up the fight, 
even when buried under a heap of adversities. I always 
had been a fighter, a rebel, a non-conformist, a doer, 
neither an extro- nor an introvert, but somewhere in- 
between - an ambivert. 

To me the worst crime a man can commit is to cop 
out on himself and by that I mean to give in and let 



stand up, looking fate straight into the eye. He has to 
stand up, not only for his human rights, but also for the 
preservation of his human dignity. No amount of money, no 
material advantages of any kind, no mere pot,sonal ambitions 
can guarantee his human, ethical rights and his dignity 
as a person. The poorest fellow in the world is able to 
preserve his human dignity and rights if he refuses to 
drivel, and the richest man could fail if he succumbs to 
selfishness, greed, and a criminal tendency to cheat the 
other fellow of the piece of cake that does not belong to 
him. I don't think that I ever copped out on myself. I 
gladly paid the price for it by not expecting and not 
achieving financial success, but be satisfied with 
spiritual and mental happiness. 

\'Jhen on that first night as an exile in Shanghai I 
fell into this deep well of (pression , I nevertheless knew 
intuitively that it would not last because it did not 
affect my determination to preserve my dignity as a 
human being. I could never drivel for favors or beg 
for charity which I could accept only if it was given to 
me voluntarily out of the goodness of some one's heart. 
This subconscious knowledge, I think, saved me from drown- 
ing during these unhappy hours. 

I tried to assess the professional and mental re- 



himself to be trampled underfoot. A man has always to 



sources we had and upon which we could build a new life. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



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Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 162 - 





It was a vain attempt since I came up with nothing concrete 
CXir situation seemed to be hopeless, and for once God was 
far away from me. I could not reach Him. Suddenly I was 
gripped by an attack of claustrophobia as if I was con= 
fined in a room without an exit. I believed that the closed 
door could never be opened again. I felt paralyzed, unable 
to get up and try the door. I forgot that there didn't 
exist a problem which could not be solved as long as one 
retained faith in God. But where was God? 

Indeed, during these hours I was a lonely refugee. 
So lonely that I saw black and nothing but black, unniind= 
ful of the fate I had escaped from, a Nazi concentration 
camp and a tortured death. This was despair at its worst 
manifestation. It never happened to me again, and I think 



if Annie had not fallen 



into a deep, exhausted 



sleep, if we could have talked it all out then and there, 

I would not have lost my mental equilibrium. Thank God, 

she never has failed me and neither would she have failed 
me that miserable night. 




There is no percentage in worrying other 
than that it inflicts self-induced wounds and sometimes 
leaves mental scars similar to those from physical surgery. 
The first black night in Shanghai left such a scar in my 
mind. By worrying one inflates any trouble one might have 



or only ant icipatcs .More often than not worries are not 
rooted in rationalism - as quite often hope is not, although 
it is so much better to live with hope despite f>^equent 
disappointments than with worries. Believe me, most of 
the time you'll say afterwards: Please, don't worry! Nothing 



came 



of it. Now that I've reached a mature age I've taught 



myself to bar worries as well as hope from my mind. I let 
destiny take its course and feel so much happier for it. 

I did not tell Annie of my desperation the next morning. 
By then I had pushed it into some of the deep recesses of 
what Dr. A.T.W. Simeons calls: "Man's Presumptious Brain", 
a book which I could not know then because it had not yet 
been written. It was to be published in 1961 and should 
be read by anyone who can read. 

"Psychosomatic ailments account for the bulk of urban 
man's ill health and are the most frequent cause of his 
death. Man shares this kind of affliction with no other 
living creature," so writes Dr. Simeons. Worries and fears 
are most often, if not always, the cause of psychosomatic 

ailments . 

It was and is hardly possible to worry or harbor fears 
with a wife like Annie at one's side. She was and is the 
kind of woman who never falls victim to moodiness. We had 
a very hard time during these first months in Shanghai, 
but Annie had and still has a way of being what the Germans 



Please, don't worry: Nothing came of It: 



- 163 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 16A - 






calif.-Frlsh und frohlich". which can be translated in many 
ways, either as "fresh and gay", or as "lively and happy", 
or as facing life at its worst moments with an undaunted 
optimism and courage. 

Of course, she got herself a job before I did and made 
a success of it with all the odds against her. The first 
barrier we had to surmount was to acquire sufficient know= 
ledge of the English language before we could expect to 
land a job. In the Orient foreigners are excluded from 
menial work. The natives did it for pennies where we 
needed dollars. 

Whatever EngUsh we had learned in school was mostly 
forgotten and what we had retained did not suffice. We had 
not only to learn speaking, reading and writing EngUsh, 
but also thinking in it. Besides, we had to overcome a 
mental block of shyness to apply our newly acquired know= 
ledge. 

After the first unpleasant rebuff in our search for 
work. Annie took the lead. She urged me. pushed me. nagged 
me to learn EngUsh and learn it well. For endless hours 
she worked with me and by doing so she learned/aSw ^ 
In her youth she had studied to be a college teacher, 
but instead caught the stage bug and had become an actress. 
Something of these years of preparation for the teaching 
profession had been retained in her. She was good at working 



with me. Besides, she never let up reminding me that I 

start / 
was a writer and I should/writing again, even if 1 still 

had to do it in German. So one day I began the book which 

eventually opened the path to America for us. 

An uncle of mine had always maintained that money 

had the pleasant habit of coming back to you. It was a 

saying we found amusing, but he was right as we were to 

discover more than once. There was a day before the first 

month in Shanghai had passed that we were down to fifty 

cents. We didn't even have any food left but a few potatoes 

which we boiled and ate as/they were ^H what we considered 

our last supper. What grand-eloquent, silly ideas one can 

get in such a predicament. Our last supper - it almost 

made us feel heroic. Of course, we could exist on fifty 

American cents for another day or two, but what was the 

use? We decided on spending the money to see a movie. 

That to us seemed to be a good way of going out in style. 

Amovie and then the finale. The picture we saw was "Les 

Miserabls" with Frederic March as the star. It was a very 

good picture, but it certainly wasn't the right one for 

us. The fact that o^r English was still so inadequate that 

we almost didn't understand any of the dialogue made us 

than / 
more miserable/ji we already were. What in the world were 

we going to do if we couldn't even understand the language 

of a film which as a book was so familiar to us? 



Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came of It I 



- 165 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 166 - 




We troddcd home to our prison cell, crawled into 
our beds and tried to sleep. After a while I heard Annie 
chuckling. 

"What's so funny?" I asked her. 

"We are. Who else?" she said. "We had fifty cents 

left and, as miserable as we're supposed to be, we spent 

/ 

it on a picture called 'Les Miserables ' " . 

"All right," I said, adding a deep sigh to underline 
my desperation, "maybe that was kind of stupid, but what 



difference does it make? 



ir 





"That's not what I meant. If we had some sense we 
should have gone to see a musical. At least, we can 
understand music, or at least I can, and perhaps we 
would have laughed now and then. Besides, we won't 

starve," she asserted with her usual optimism. 

breakfast we / 
The next morning our stomachs growled for the/couldn' t 

have. Annie said, we should call an acquaintance of ours 
and ask for a loan of a few dollars. I couldn't do it. I 
couldn't borrow money without knowing if I ever could re- 
pay it. But then ray uncle's monetary theory proved to be 
correct again. As he had maintained - money has the pleasant 
habit of always coming back to you. 

At ten o'clock the mailman brought us a letter from 
Prague, Czecho-Slovakia. It contained a check for four 
hundred dollars. Through the good services of my older 



sister, who had become a literary agent in Stockholm, 
Sweden, the Prague radio had bought an old radio play 
of mine and had broadcast it. I had had no previous 
knowledge about it. My sister had given these people my 
address with the proviso to forward the royalties directly 
to me after her commission cut of twenty percent. 

Last supper - my foot! Thank God, Annie wasn't and 
isn't in the habit of saying, "I told you so". Of course, 
Timothy had to put in his two bits. "I knew, you wouldn't 
starve to death," he said. "Your time isn't up yet." I 
reproached him, "\^y didn't you tell me?" After a moment 
of silence he admitted without hiding his disappointment, 
"I kind of hoped that I was wrong. I've had it with you 
two kids. I don't like it here at all." I didn't give him 
any further argument. Whether he liked it or not, on four 
hundred dollars we could well exist for at least another 
three months. Life in Shanghai was cheap in more ways than 



one . 



Shanghai, when she still was Shanghai (that 
is before the Communists changed her into the culturally, 
commercially and entertainingly dullest city in the world), 
was a fabulous place of unbelievable contrasts, of frighten- 
ing wealth and abysmal poverty, of bank palaces and shabby 
shacks, of lustful gayety and depressive sadness, of all the 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 167 - 




extremes with nothing in between. She was a city which 
knew little charity and good will. She was a dog-eat-dog 




city. 

Shanghai had been built on swamp land and in a way 
she remained a swamp. Some of the larger buildings slowly 
sank into the paludal soil, a few inches each yearf, and 
in a manner of speaking so did the people who made Shang= 
hai their permanent residence. If they lived long enough 
there, they were stuck like in quick-sand. And yet Shang= 
hai could also be called a veritable paradise where people 
were able to live the life of Riley, figuratively and actu= 
ally. Even a man, who according to Western standards had 
a modest income, could afford to have servants and imagine 
himself a mogul. 

Shanghai, when she still was Shanghai, was no doubt 
a sinful, soulless, crazy, horrible, wonderful metropolis, 
the largest city in China - although she was basically not 
China. She was Shanghai and nothing else. She was the Inter= 
national Settlement and the French Concession with poverty- 
stricken Chinese suburbs surrounding them. That is not to 



say that the Settlement and the Concession had no Chine 



se 




residents, but many of them were immensely wealthy, ex* 
ploiting their poor countrymen more than any of the foreign* 
ers or "Shanghailanders" as they were called. 

Shanghai was built on the shores of the Whangpoo River, 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



- 168 - 



t 



the waters of which were contaminated by human excrement. 

Shanghai had a harbor where foreign warships lay at anchor 

and large passenger liners came and went, where Chinese 

freight tramps plied their trade, where little junks and 

sampans ferried back and forth. 

have Rone / 

Yes, Shanghai was Shanghai, and if we could/i» back 
there in time and place, we might have serCously considered 
it. Somehow Shanghai enters one's bloodstream. Never before 
and never again will there be a city comparable to the Shang= 
hai prior to the take-over by the Japanese in 1937 and 
the Communists in 1949. Now she is from all we read and 
hear as boring as she was exciting, as sanitary as she 
was unsanitary, as regimented as she was wide open. Her 
harbor is dead. Only the swamp is still there. Even after 
so many years we still feel that Shanghai was the most 
exhilarating experience during our travels and travails 
as two people without a country. Anyone of the old Shang=« 
hailanders will always think and speak of this Shanghai 

with nostalgia. 

The reality, of course, was quite different. Nowhere 
were poor people as much exploited as in Shanghai. The 



ma 



sses of the poor Chinese were uneducated, mostly il= 



literate. Few of them knew more than a hundred characters 
of the approximately twenty- thousand characters (words in 
other languages) the Chinese language contains. Few could 



PW jWH— twww w 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 169 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 170 - 






either write or read. In Shanghai the ancient Chinese 
culture had gone underground. As far as they existed, 
civilization and culture were only a veneer. Nonetheless, 
she was a center of learning with more schools and uni=» 
versities than in any other city in China. I told you, 
she was a city of unbelievable contrasts. She had many 
parks and recreation grounds - for foreigners mostly. At 
the entrance of the Public Gardens in front of the British 
Consulate General was a sign which clearly stated: "No 
dogs or Chinese allowed". The Municipal Racecourse on 
BubbL^ngwell Road, approximately the center of Shanghai, 
was not exclusively restricted to foreigners, but only 
well-to-do Chinese could afford to visit it. Shanghai 
had everything and nothing and I cannot think of any 
other way to express it. Anything was possible and nothing 
probable. People of all nations lived together in a po= 
litical and human vacuum - like cats and dogs and birds 
in one cage. 

Years and years ago an actress friend of ours in 
Hamburg invited us for lunch in her apartment. When we 
approached the building where she lived a crowd of people 
were standing in the street, looking up to an open third 
floor window. There a big dog with its paws on the sill 
was loaning out. On his back sat a cat and on the cat's 
head perched a canary bird. All three were peacefully 



looking out, waiting for their mistress to ieed them. This 
little, true anecdote actually has nothing to do with my 
attempt to explain Shanghai, but in an odd sort of way 
that was the manner of living there, although not as peace= 
ful by any means. She was simply impossible, consisting 
only of contradictions. Shanghai, when she still was Shang- 
hai, was hell and heaven in one. 



You may well get impatient to learn what 
really happened to us in Shanghai after we had settled 
in that dingy attic room. Annie claims now the trouble 
was that nothing in particular happened to us. Timothy 
on the other hand insists that plenty happened. I don't 
know. Maybe both are right with Annie being an optimist 
and Timothy an inveterate pessimist. 

I surely remember that the first thing we did on 
that first morning was taking another bath, first Annie 
and then 1. We had become civilized again, at least in 
respect to taking separate baths. While Annie was down 
in the bathroom, and if he had been waiting for the moment 
to be alone with me, Timothy exploded into a kind of revolt. 
Apparently guardian angels - or at least guardian angels of 
Timothy's type - tcire p/?one to be as combustible as men. 
He was riled because it had not been in his agreement, when 
he was assigned to me. that he was to tramp all over the 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 171 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 172 - 






world. Moreover, he did not belong in China, neither did 
he like the idea that we might stay there for any length 
of time. He remembered the old saying, that West and East 
could never meet. In short he flatly bawled me out for 
immigrating to this heaten-country . He would put in an 
application for permission to resign from his present 
job with me. He had it up to his neck and wanted out. 
After letting him rant for a while he got my goat and I 
told him to go to hell. That was too much for him, for 
he knew quite well that's where he might end up if he 
failed me. Besides, he had once told me that no guardian 
angel was ever released from his job during the life span 
of his or her ward. For weeks he sulked and for weeks he 
refused to talk to me. Our relationship became somewhat 
strained for a while. 

Well, what did happen to us? Annie was right. In the 
beginning unfortunately nothing and then, as Timothy 
maintains, plenty did happen. Although we had lowered 
our anchor, it took quite some time that it took hold, 
at least strong enough for us to believe that we might 
grow roots. Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl When 
at last we truly could shed all our apprehensions in regard 
to making a living, when we could look forward to a future 
with justified hope and could plan for the next ten years 
of increasing affluence - all hell broke loose. We were 



shot at. We were bombed. We lost our jobs through no 
fault of our own and the promise of "increasing afflu= 
ence" went up in smoke. Once more wc had to flee for our 
lives. - But I'm getting again ahead of my story. 

Of course, we two - or three if we want to include 
Timothy (and I've got to) - weren't the first refugees, 
or as I like to call them: People without a country, in 
the history of mankind. However, it is in the nature of man 
to take one's own troubles and misfortunes quite personal. 
We were little concerned about being the first or last 
persons without a country. The fact remained that we had 
landed in a strange country and a strange city among strange 
people whose language we didn't understand and whose habits 
were alien to us. We were faced with harsh and hard reali= 
ties. After all, what good was our successful flight from 
Nazi-Germany if we perished now from starvation? Like 
anywhere else we had to eat, we had to pay our rent. We 
needed basic necessities and without work, paid work, we 
would have nothing of the sort. Where could we find work 
and what kind of work could we do? We both were still tied 
to C\\c language which didn't do us any good in Shanghai. 
Foolish, as youth is bound to be, I had not U^itened to 
my father's advice to learn a trade regardless of what 
kind of profession I would choose. He had claimed - and 
rightly so - that by having learned a trade to fall back 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 173 - 





upon one would not be lost anywhere in the world. Yet - 
as many of us learn in a span of a lifetime - if the 
need arises, a human being has more resources than he 
can dream of. In the course of our years as persons wlth« 
out a country, and even later when at last we had come to 
America, I worked in a lot of different jobs, although I 

hadn't been prepared for any of them. I worked as a ball=* 

__and" / 
room manager, a hotel manager, a five^ten- cents store 

manager, a packer, a shipping clerk, an assistant manager 

in textile firms, an egg gatherer and candler on a chicken 

farm to name only some - until finally and happily I had 

my / 
no choice but to return to/first, true love - writing, 

although in my spare time I always had kept my hand at 

it. Serious and chronic illness made it impossible for 

me to do anything else, and it mattered little whether I 

was successful or not in my literary endeavours. It kept 

my mind occupied and left me little time to brood over my 

incapacities or feel sorry for myself. I never was good 

at self-pity anyway. Writing is hard and lonely work, but 

it leaves one free to do it at one's own time and without 

the pressure of being bossed - unless one sells one's soul 

to the devils of advertising agencies or film makers. 

That first morning in Shanghai we had but one asset - 




and that was the address of another refugee from Hamburg, 
a physician who had left Germany with his family just 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itI 



- 174 - 



» 



before Hitler seized power. And as it turned out - it 
mostly turns out the same way - my depressive worrying 



like all worrying was as futile as trying to fill 
leaky backet with water. 



a 



Daphne du Maurier in her book "Frenchman's 
Creek" wrote: "Those who live a normal life in this world 
of ours are forced into habits, into customs, into a rule 
of life that eventually kills all initiative, all spon= 
taneity. A man becomes a cog in the wheel, part of a 



system. 



II 



We certainly were spared the boredom of leading a 

had / opportunity / 
normal life. We never had/much/cSftHt for it.WHHpi 

Events in Germany after the lost first world war, which 

in its train brought deprivation, inflation, mass-unem=* 

ployment, militant uprisings from the extremists of the 

left and right, did not encourage us to become either a 

cog in the wheel or part of the system - or as it has 

been dubbed nowadays - the establishment . Coming to 

Shanghai the way we did was not opportune either for 

acquiring regular habits, and we better kept our initia- 

tive well oiled if we wanted to keep our heads above water. 

Of course, we did not starve to death, although we came 

close to it occasionally. The truth is that we could 

have made a regular fortune if it had not been for the 
Japanese invading Shanghai in 1937. I only can repeat: 



Please, don*t worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 175 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it: 



- 176 - 





Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 

The trouble J I encounter in writing about our cx= 
periences of that time^ I can compile into the one question: 
How in the name of all the gods and devils, saints and 
sinners can I manage to explain life in a city like 
Shanghai when she still was Shanghai?! mean, how can 1 
make it possible for you to feel the specific atmosphere 
of this extra-ordinary city, the many smells, ranging all 
the way from the burnt incense in temples to the carts, 
in which human excrement* was collected for fetilizer, 
the peculiar sounds and noises, emanating from the great 
variety of people, from the poorest coolies to the wealthiest 
men in the world, from the lives of socially accepted taxi- 



dancers to the puritanistic British society ladies, fro 



m 



the waddle huts to the bank palaces and to our ears dis= 
cordant Chinese music from over-amplified radios or record- 



players in open Chinese stores to attract customers? Unle 



ss 



I devote a whole book to it, Shanghai, when she still 



was 




Shanghai, simply defies description. I only can try my 
best to acquaint you with this unique city while I'm tell= 
ing you our personal story which, of course, is the actual 
purpose of this book. 

One factor came home to us before anything else - we 
had to change our modus vivendi in many ways. None of our 
previous habits, customs, experiences were of much use to 



us. We learned fast. To give a small instance, we learned 

never to wait on a street aisle for the streetcar if we 

did not want to be spit or urinated at. I'm not kidding. 

There was nothing personal about it. People just spat 

through the open streetcar windows without looking, or 

mothers were holding out their babies when they had to 

c^o a certain wet business. We had to learn - another 

small instance - when to hold one's nose while driving 

in a rickshaw at night. As I said, human excrement., which 

was used as fertilizer in the farm fields, were carried 

away in open, little dung carts. The smell was absolutely 

nauseating. We had to learn how to direct a rickshaw coolie 

and not to pay him a copper (the third of a Shanghai cent) 

more or less than the ride/had been worth. There were no 

fixed standards and yet one had to know unless one 
didn' t mind/ 
/CO De conironted by a big walla-walla, a trenchantly scream^ 

ing argument from the coolie. If one had paid less than he 

.1^ J , paid/ 

deserved , he wanted his due. If one had^^^ngle copper 

too much, he assumed that his passenger was a greenhorn 
and could be co-erced into even paying more. I still could 
not say how one learned to evaluate the price of a rick= 
Shaw ride. Mostly it was instinct, I guess. One also had 
to learn the fine art of bargaining. There were no fixed 
prices in Chinese shops. One had to bargain for one's own 
benefit as well as for the merchants sustenance of happiness. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of iti 



- 177 - 



• 




Unless one bargained an item down to the right price 
(here again it was instinct to guess the right price^ 
^n instinct I do not possess^), one was a sucker and the 
merchant or craftsman was very unhappy. If one paid with= 
out an argument what he requested, one cheated oneself and 
the seller bewailed his bad fortune that he had not asked 
for a higher price in the first place. I never learned the 
art of oriental bargaining, but Annie was just wonderful 
at it. She enjoyed it as much as the merchant. They both 
parted in a happy frame of mind. Then, of course, aside 
from learning correct English, we also had to get acquainted 
with the Chinese version of pidgin English. As for instance 
an airplane was not just an airplane but a topside rick= 
shaw; a piano was not simply a piano but so much more 
poetically: Outside strikee-strikee , inside sing-song 
girl. If one went to visit an acquaintance or friend and 
he or she was not home, the number-one boy would tell you: 
Missie walkee-walkee, or Master walkee-walkee. It was a 
slanguage all its own with many wonderful facets of picture 
esque expressions. Nothing was hurried or of any valid im=* 
portance. The standard answer to any request was: Will do - 
by and by. Everything was maskee - who cares? 




At this point I've got to emphasize that 
this is not a general trade-travel book, a guide for tourists, 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itI 



- 178 - 



• 



or globe trotters, or other footloose people. Neither 

is it a book for sightsecers or any such curiosity 

ridden burghers. This is exclusively a book about two 

people and a guardian angel who lost their country and 

their citizenship, a book about two refugee-greenhorns 

and their individual experiences which sometimes were 

funny and quite often sad. Of course, there is nothing 

exclusive anymore about being refugees. Neither was it 

then. We were only two in a crowd of refugees which 

could have been found and stilll exist in every corner 

for / 
of the world. Yet, /the majority of average people, who 

are living relatively uneventful lives and naturally 

have never given a thought to how theu< would feel or 

how they would act if they were forced into unwanted 



exile, this book might reveal the basic injustice, per= 
petrated by some power-hungry leaders on their fellowmen 
who were neither criminals nor undesirables. We became 



9 



globe-trotters by no choice of our own. We were no 
tourists by any means, if you please. 

A tourist - according to good, old Daniel Webster - 
is a person who makes a journey for pleasure, stopping 
at a number of places for the purpose of seeing the 
scenery etc. We did not travel for our pleasure, and we 
did not stop at a number of places for the purpose of 
seeing the scenery etc. We traveled and stopped all right, 



Please, donit worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 179 - 





and wo couldn't help seeing the scenery (of which there 
was not much in Shanghai), but the etc. was of more im- 
portance to us. The etc. meant that we had to work where 
we stopped, or were forced to stop. Understandably, we 
were little interested in the scenery, but more so in 
the people we met, especially when they could be of help 
to us in regard to making a buck. The tragedy about money 
is that one doesn't have to like it as I don't, but that 
one has to have some in order to exist. Money by itself is 
no guaranteed pathway to happiness, but not having any 
can surely make one unhappy. What I want to say in so 
many words is that you, reading this book, should not 

expect any artistic or poetic and either laudatory or 

one / 
lamentable descriptions of what/may call -/scenic views. 

Our simple excuse for that is that during our kind of 
travels and travails we didn't feel very poetic ever and 
had little use for mother nature, unless it lashed out at 
us which it did on occasions. 

Once in a while we might try to bore you by crudely 



• * • 




painting scenographic pictures, but if you prefer you can 
always skip them. Shanghai, when she still was Shanghai, 
could be in our opinion of interest to tourists only, if 
they didn't mind to be fleeced. Shanghai was geared for 
the suckers who came to visit her. Shanghai had more night- 
clubs, ballrooms and honkie-tonks with more beautiful taxi- 



Please, don*t worryl Nothing came of it! 



- 180 - 



• 



# 



dancers than any other blace in the world. These taxi- 
dancers or rather dance-girls or hostesses as they were 
called were veritable queens of the night who were ex« 
ceedingly well trained to extract money from their patrons. 
They were expensive and they were sexually exciting. Each 
and every one of them could have succeeded, if they had 
entered beauty contests, in being chosen tm Miss China, 
Miss Asia, or Miss Universe or whatever the contests were 
about. They were no glorified prostitutes, but tough pro= 
fessionals in this unique Shanghai- field of endeavours 
because Shanghai always had more male than female resi» 
dents. For most of them, with whom I came in contact, I 
had great admiration. The-i.rs was not an easy life. 

Shanghai, geared as she was to world travelers and 
tourists, had also a canidrome, where one could lose money 
by betting on stupid greyhound dogs. There was a Hai-a-Lai 
arena where the most famous players in the world exhibited 
their skill and where one could also lose money by betting 
on them. There was the Municipal Race Course to lose money 
on poneys. There were a number of illegal, underground opium 
dens (Shanghai was a trade center for the opium traffic) and 
gambling casinos as well as bC'^ello§, stocked with girls 
from many parts of the world. There was Yates Road, an 
internationally famous shopping street for oriental curios 

(remember the bargaining). There was the little Chinese 



Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came of iti 



- 181 - 





town, Nantao, outside the French Concession with its 
narrow alleys of silversmiths, mahjong makers, bird 
sellers and so on. There was Chapei and Hongkew to the 
North of the International Settlement with its honkie- 
tonks and less expensive taxi-dancers, its go-downs 
(warehouses) and a multitude of poor Chinese residents. 
There were in Shanghai restaurants to satisfy people 
of all nationalities; Russiana, French<r, Armenians, 
Chinese, Japanese, Germang, British and so on. There 
was the famous Cantonese restaurant "Sun Ya" on Bubbling= 
well Road where one could eata good meal for two Shanghai 
dollars on the ground floor or pay a hundred dollars for 
a plate of swallow nest soup or an eighteen course 
dinner on the top floor. But there was only one ''Jimmy's 
Kitchen". No Shanghailander will ever forget it. It served 
wholesome food for real, ordinary people with ordinary 
tastes and at prices everyone could afford - except the 
poor coolies of course. Jimmy's Kitchen was in my opinion 
the best eating place of all, but few tourists ever chanced 



it. 




Shanghai offered any thrill a tourist-sucker could 
imagine. If they wanted and had the dough, they could have 
have a hell of a good time. I met only one exception, a 
lady- tourist who certainly did not enjoy our crazy Shang- 
hai. 



Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of it! 



- 182 - 



• 



• 



# 



A friend of ours, a Shanghai businessman (also a 
native of Hamburg), who had settled in Shanghai many 
years before Hitler seized power, received one day a * 
letter from an acquaintance in Hamburg, informing him 
that a certain lady, the widow of a locally well-known 
poet and writer, was on a world cruise and would he be 
so kind as to entertain her during her twenty-four hours 
stay in Shanghai. He didn't know her and told me about 
it. I was mischievous enough not to describe the lady 
to him although I had met her in Hamburg on several 
occasions. This friend of ours had the smallest European 
car of that time. The present ugly-duckling Volkswagen 
is a giant in comparison. I kept my mouth shut when he 
set out in this his baby-buggy car to pick the lady up 
at the wharf. To his bewilderment she turned out to be a 
veritable Brunhilde (in German mythology a mighty female 
warrior), who was taller than six feet and must have weighed 
close to three hundred pounds. He told me later that he 
silently swore at me for not having warned him. He tried 
to got her sideways or any other ways into his midget car, 
but not even a man-sized shoe horn would have done the 
trick. The car just didn't fit her. Finally he decided 
to let her ride in a rickshaw to follow his car. The 
poor rickshaw just collappsed under her. There was a 
tremendous walla-walla and the police had to rescue the 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 183 - 





lady as well as our friend who later had to pay the price 
for a new rickshaw. He called a taxi, but the driver after 
one look at the lady took off again. In his desperation 
our friend finally hired a Cadillac limousine. This lady 
was one tourist who didn't enjoy Shanghai. Although she 
was quite wealthy, she was too stingy to re-imburse our 
friend for the broken-down rickshaw or the rent of the 
limousine. She hated to spend money and wanted everything 
for nothing. Shanghai was no place for free-loaders. Within 
a few hours she returned to her ship and was neither seen 
nor heard from again. 

On the other extreme was an American oil millionaire 
who twice or three times a year passed through Shanghai, 
or rathe/;^ stopped over there for a few days during which 
he had a whale of a good time. In fact, he must have had 
several whales of good times. I got to know him when I 
was the floor manager of the Casanova ballroom. 

Sorry, on second thought, I better tell his story a 
little later after I've explained to you the inner work= 
ings of a Shanghai ballroom and nightclub. Otherwise you 
wouldn't understand. Remind me, please, not to forget about 
him because he might have been the instrument to make me 
a wealthy man. Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 




Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it. 



- 18* - 



• 



# 



Timothy, Annie and I were innocent babes, 
or rather lambs in a den of wolves. We could easily have 
been devoured and disappeared without leaving a trace. 
I won't bore you with the tale of how we survived the 
first weeks. The fact suffices that we did although it 
was anything but easy. 

Historically, the Chinese Emperor in 1842, after 
having lost the opium wars, was compelled to open up 
five ports (Shanghai, Ningpo, Foochow, Amoy and Canton) 
to the foreigners who were granted extra-territorial 
rights in these cities. They were even excempted from 
paying taxes which, of course, was of little concern 
to us, at least in the beginning. We had no income 
on which taxes could be levied. 

At the time we lived in Shanghai guide books were 
trying to tell the casual tourists that the city looked 
as Western as Chicago in those parts which was the Inter^ 
national Settlement and the French Concession. Despite 
business streets like Nanking Road and broad avenues 
like Bubblingwell Road, Avenue Foch or on the waterfront 
The Bund, sprouting huge bank palaces, despite high-rise, 
modern apartment houses and some shady residential streets 
with one family homes one had to have a great imagination 
to think one lived in Chicago or New York, in Rome or 
London. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 185 - 





These ridiculous tourist guide books, as misleading 
as fairy talcs, did not tell about the multitude of toil- 
ing, hungry, miserable Chinese in Shanghai. Neither did 
they mention that Shanghai was only gold-plated, that she 
was nothing but a devilish assinbly place for all the money- 
grabbing, greedy free-booters from all over the world. She 
had a society all right with a strata of the so-called 
upper four hundred families, most of them could trace 
their fortunes back to the opium trade which still was 
in progress when we arrived. Shanghai was a fake, a phony, 
neither occidental nor oriental. And yet - God forgive me - 
she was the most exciting and unique city in the world, 
although she was more or less disgusting. She was like 
a pretty girl, partly a whore and partly a saint. She was 
poison, and the old-time Shanghailanders were addicts who 
never could free themselves from being in love with her. 
Shanghai was not only a dope trade center, she was herself 
the kind of dope which one couldn't shake off. Thinking 
about her now, we also got addicted to her in the few 
years we lived there. We still remember Shanghai with 
nostalgia and whenever we meet people, who lived in 
Shanghai, when she still was Shanghai, we can gab about her 
for endless hours. If it hadn't been for the outbreak 




of the Sino-Japanese hostilities in 1937 we might have 
never left Shanghai, for at that time we were already 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of itl 



- 186 - 



% 




contaminated by greed for money and fortune, an addiction 
absolutely foreign to our basic character and state of 
mind. Thank God, when events beyond our control cured 
us from it, we never caught it again. "We cannot serve 
God and mammoth", it is written in the bible. 

At the time we arrived in Shanghai there weren't yet 
any committees to help penniless refugees from Nazi-Germany 
Since we were the first of the kind the news spread among 
the approximately twenty Jewish physicians and their 
families who had left Germany shortly before or after 
Hitler came to power. They could practice in Shanghai 
without any trouble. After the first hungry month had 
passed we were in rotation invited for at least one daily 
meal by these good people, thus preventing us from starv= 
ing at least. 

One afternoon, several weeks after our arrival, we met 
by arrangement an American newspaperman, whom we'll call 
her^Mv^He owned and published a Chinese newspaper, the 
Hwa Mei Publishing Company, and also acted as an agent, 
booking traveling show people and acts into nightclubs. 
We hoped, he could find a theatrical job for at least 
one of us. Our meeting with us at the foyer of the Astor 
House Hotel, where he resided, was close to a catastrophe - 



# 



at least for us. But many a time a catastrophe turns out 
to be a blessing in disguise - and so did this one. Our 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 187 - 






English was so poor that we didn't understand one another. 
He shook his head and made it quite clear to us that he 
couldn't do a darned thing for us unless we Improved on 

our almost non-existent English. We parted on this sour 

1/ 
note. Annie and/were almost reduced to tears. 

That was the end of a short dream and the beginning 
of our determination to learn English and learn It fast. 
To the exclusion of almost anything else we sat In our 
small attic room, fighting and absorbing all the pitfalls 
a foreign language presents. Besides, we bought a second- 
hand, ancient radio and listened to broadcasts In English, 
being disgusted when we understood so little of them. We 
never failed to attend the religious services of the 
American Fourth Marines which were open to the general 
public and were held in a big movie house each Sunday 
morning. The Marines' chaplain, whose name unforgettably 
was Witherspoon. spoke a beautiful, slow and clear English 
and his sermons were wonderful language lessons for us. 
He actually opened our minds to the language. To this day 
we feel that we owe him a great deal of gratitude although 
he didn't know then that he was our teacher. Besides, we 
enjoyed the marvelous band of the Fourth Marines. Their 
concerts after the religious services were wonderful. 

Some months later Annie met Chaplain Witherspoon in 
person. He was quite touched about the role he had played 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 188 - 



# 



in our lives. Annie was already a reputed nightclub singer 
then and the good chaplain engaged her to sing with the 
Fourth Marine Band for the July 4th celebration. It was 
our first American Indepenpe Day. God, what a great occasion 
that was I Then and there the seed was planted in our minds 
and hearts from which sprouted our deep love for these 
United States of America. (Sorry, Mr. K. , wherever you 
are) . 



♦ 



Many a time I wanted to throw in the towel, despair= 
ing that I never would be able to command English sufficient' 
ly to make it my servant. For me a language had to be a 
precision tool which I could use automatically. Being 
overzealous, I lost courage easily. However, Annie didn't 
let me slack off until at last I felt that we were pro= 
gressing. I made my first few although uneasy attempts 
to write In English and found it less Inhibiting than 
spaking it for the reason that I hated to parade my 
accent. I didn't yet realize that one never fully loses 
one's accent and that it didn't actually matter as long 
as one mastered grammar and syntax and could make oneself 
understood without trouble. 

Many years later in America a famous Jewish-German 
actor, who had emigrated to America directly from Nazi- 
Germany, told me in despair, "When I die, my last sigh 



will be tliat damned th . True enough, the th sound is 





Please, don't worryl Nothing came of ttl - 189 - 



the hardest one to pronounce. 

I feel sure now that we learned more English during 

r 

the first six weeksthan most foreigners do in six years. 
Some of the refugees from Germany still have not even 
mastered the basic ground rules of English grammar and 
syntax after thirty years or more. 

The first time I tried to speak English with Timothy 
he blew his top. "You stop that nonsense, do you hear?" 
he told me angrily. "I don't have to learn it. If it 
hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have to run away from 
Germany. Besides, I'm too old to learn another language." 

That gave me the cue. "How old are you?" I asked him. 
Wnenever I had put this question to him, he had refused to 
answer it. And so he did again. 

"None of your business," he retorted curtly. 

However, from what he had told me about his life on 
earth I had figured out that he must be about two hundred 
fifty years old. 

"You speak good, old German with me and I speak 
good, old German with you, is that clear?" he advised me. 



IIT •- t 




It s clear, but what will you do if I refuse to 
speak Germany anymore?" 

"Why should you?" 

"If I want to speak the English language correctly, 
I'll have to think and dream in English. Swit^jyjhing from 
one language to the other is confusing, at least in the 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of It! 



- 190 - 



beginning. " 



• 





II 



1 care a ....," he sighed deeply. "Why aren't we 



permitted to swear once in a while? Anyway,! don't care 

a Pfennig for your perfection. My business is to keep 

you alive until your time comes. And I'll do it in German." 

1 shrugged my shoulders. "All right, you keep Annie 
and me alive any way you like, but the time will come when 
I'll be able to cuss you out in English when you irritate 
me, damn iti" 1 smiled when I saw him wince. "I'm allowed 
to swear once in a while, you see," I reminded him. 

At last our studies began to pay off. We first noticed 

it when we laughed at jokes in the movies. It's a real 

point / 
turning/when one starts to understand the humor in a 

strange language. 

The next step was an audacious attempt to write an 
article in English about the life of Jewish refugees in 
Shanghai. After re-writing it several times and let Annie 
polish it as well as she could 1 mailed it to "The Jewish 
Telegraph Agency" in New York with little hope that it 
would be accepted. Yet, if I didn't try, I could never 
succeed. It seemed to be impossible that my newly acquired 
K_powledgeV/ould already be good enough to pass a literary 
test. To my great and joyous surprise the article was 
accepted. The editor, a Mr. Wishengrad. wrote to me: 
"I found your article quite interesting. It is being used 
in its entirety and will probably app^jar in a large number 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 191 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 192 - 





of Anglo- Jewish weeklies throughout the country. Your 
use of the English language for a man who is self-taught 
leaves little to be desired." 

I was prouder than a peacock. At last, I could look 
forward to continue my career as a writer. As poor as we 
were, the money I got paid for the article was not as 
important as the fact that an American editor had attested 
that my English left little to be desired. That to me was 
a triumph I could savor. To a great extent I could thank 
Annie for her tenacity not to let me give up. As always 
she was the heart and soul behind my endeavours. 

However, when it came to writing my first book after 
leaving Germany, I did not yet dare to do so in English. 
It was still too much of a*challenge. 




Not long before Christmas Annie heard some= 
where (at the Chinese green grocer's or from a Russian 
neighbor or who knows where) that the Paramount Ballroom, 
which had been closed for some time, would be re-opened 
under new management. The place was only a few blocks 
from where we lived. On top of the ballroom building in 
a sort of cupola was a small, very intimate nightclub, 
called "The Blue Danube". That's what Annie aimed for. 

The following morning she made herself as pretty as 
she could and went to the Paramount. She wore the one good 



street dress she owned and looked truly lovely. Thank 
God, that I always have been and still am prejudiced 
in her favor. Her brown, silky, unruly hair forever re=" 
sisted a permanent wave, or at least if she got one it 
wouldn't last longer than a few days. It didn't matter, 
she couldn't afford to go to a hairdresser anyway. Her 
hair always looked kind of disorderly and tousled, but 
it emphasized a whimsical face of great beauty. To me it 
was seraphic - a wide forehead, hJLown , candid, irradiating 
eyes, a pert and upturned small nose, a finely chiseled 
mouth. Her alluring body was slim-waisted. The calves 
of her legs were well turned. All in all, she was a 
lissome girl with a million dollar smile. Who in the 
world could resist her? Thus presenting herself to the 
new Chinese manager she asked him if he needed a girl 
singer for the Blue Danube which had been re-opened in 
advance of the ballroom. 

In a way it was an act of desperation on her part, 
but she was much less inhibited than I. She or I had to 
earn money to pay our daily expenses at least. She had a 
sweet voice for singing "Lieder" as we said in German, but 
so had many others. Although she had taken a few singing 
lessons in her younger years, she never had sung profession* 
ally in a nightclub. That was tough, and she knew it. Her 
repertoire of songs was insufficient, and if she was accepted, 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it. 



- 193 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it I 



- 194 - 





she had to find some one who played the piano and could 
rehearse new songs with her. She was walking on a tight=» 
rope. Her only asset was that she had been a professional 
actress and so had faced audiences before, but not as 
close as in a small nightclub. Yet, if she didn't try, 
she couldn't win. Please, don't worry! For once something 
came of it I 

The Chinese manager smiled at her, then shook his 
head and told her, ''My no know English. You wait." 

She waited although wondering for what or whom. 
About fifteen minutes later Mr. M. , the man who had advised 
us to learn English before he could do anything for us, 
walked in. He happened to be the agent who was going to 
book acts for the Paramount as he did for most of the 
better clubs and ballrooms in Shanghai. 

For a moment Annie just stared at him. She had not 

expected to see him again. Then she got up and collect= 

was / 
ing all her wits she/determined to parade her newly learned 

English to her best advantage. When it came down to brass 

tacks, she proved that she was a pro. 

"I'm so glad to see you, Mr. M.," she said, displaying 



her million dollar smile, "I hope, you remember me. 



n 




At first it seemed that he didn't. Then a light 
appeared in his eyes. He nodded his head. "Yes - sure - 



I do remember you -," he replied hesitatingly. It didn t 



9 



sound very convincing. 

With her heart pounding against her chest she knew 
that she couldn't muff this opportunity. "Mr. M. , we met 
at the As tor House Hotel, and you promised to do something 
for me and my husband if we learned to speak English. We 



worked very hard and our English is much better. I cc 



ame 



here to find out if perhaps there was an opening for a 
girl singer at The Blue Danube." 

"Well -," said Mr. M. and repeated, "well - well - 
well - you certainly took my advice and you deserve a 
break. If you sing as well as you now speak English, 
I'm going to book you into The Blue Danube." 

Annie told me later, these were the sweetest words 
she had heard in a long time. 

"I can sing in English, French and German," she ad= 

vertised her assets, although if he had asked her, she 

might not have been able to think of a single song she 

except / 
knew in Engl ishflOMBl/ for "My heart's in the Highlands" 

which she had learned in school and was not very appropri=' 

ate for a nightclub audience. 

Mr. M. beamed at her. He must have thought he had 

found a pearl in an oyster. "That's good," he said, "how 

about annudition this afternoon? I'll have a pianist there 



and you bring your sheet music. 



M 



"All right," Annie agreed, but not very convincingly 
"You know, what an audition is, don't you?" he asked 
a little suspiciously. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 195 - 





"Oh yes, I do, Mr. M. , I certainly do," Annie assured 
him, making a mental note to look it up in our small diction= 
ary at home. 

"Okay. I'll be seeing you at four this afternoon." 
Audition, so Annie read in our dictionary, was a 
hearing to test a speaker, an actor, a musician. That 
did it. She sent me out to a friend of ours, the wife 
of a German refugee dentist and a very talented pianist, 
who had emigrated in time with her grand piano, to borrow 
from her some sheet music of English songs and ask her if 
eventually she would help her to learn new tunes. In the 
months to come she did a wonderful job coaching Annie. 
Luckily Annie had had the foresight to pack a bundle of 
music sheets of French and German songs into one of our 
suitcases . 




From the time she came home to the time she had to 
leave for the audition Annie studied cold in our not very 
accoustic attic room. Then promptly at four she presented 
herself at The Blue Danube. She had a small, but truly 
lovely voice, just right for the intimate Blue Danube 
Club. Mr. M. liked her singing as well as her manner 
In which she acted and engaged her to start the same 
evening at nine. Luckily she didn't know that a night= 
club singer in Shanghai didn't work as in nightclubs any=* 

where else, appearing once or twice. She was expected to 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 196 - 



sing whenever one of the guests wanted to hear her sing 
between nine and closing time at three or four in the 
morning, or until the last party had left. 

Over my protest, because I had considered them non- 
essential, Annie had taken along two eve^ng gowns, a black 
and a green one. She proved to be right as usual. Without 
these two gowns, which for a while she had to wear alter= 
natively until she could improve her wardrobe, we would 
have been in real trouble. We didn't have the money to 
buy a single gown or wouldn't have known from whom to 
borrow one which would have fit her. 

On that first night she chose the black gown which 
actually consisted of a long, widely folded black skirt and 
a silver- lame blouse. She looked ravishing, if I may say 
so, and I do. I would have liked to come up to the Blue 
Danube with her, but husbands were not wanted. All I could 
do was accompanying her to the portals of the Paramount 
building. Naturally I felt kind of left out. If it hadn't 
been such a long wait, I would have acted the good watch 
dog and sit on the steps outside until she came out again. 
I knew she trembled with stage fright and I couldn't be 
there to steady her. It felt strange for me to walk back 
home alone with only Timothy for company. He was a lousy 
substitute. Sorry. 

Annie was an immediate success, and if I say success, 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 197 - 



Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of itl 



- 198 - 






I mean success. I had a hard time, though, being by my 
self night for night. I always worried about Annie's 
safety, but she knew how to hold her own among the wolves 
of Shanghai. Each day she learned new songs with her lady 
friend who got a great kick out of it. Soon enough Annie 
became what is known as an attraction. 

Whoever lived in the Far East at that time knew Whitey 
Smith and his band. He was as famous there as any of the 
big band leaders in America. Whitey Smith made plenty of 
money and never got rich. He had too many broads - at least 
that's what he called them. They drained him of each buck 
as fast as he made it. Shortly after Annie had started 
at The Blue Danube (appearing under her maiden name, 
Anne Nilde) the Paramoint Ballroom was opened with Whitey 
Smith and his band. It didn't take U^itey long to dis= 
cover Annie and persuade the management to let her appear 
with his band twice each night. It was quite a challenge 
for her. She had been a novice as a nightclub singer, but 
singing with a big band was a totally different matter. 
She had little time to get scared because one night with= 
out any preliminaries Whitey sent for her and that was that 
To her own surprise she came through with flying colors. 
Having had radio broadcasting experience she at least 
knew how to handle a microphone. 

Whitey Smith was mightily impressed with her and so 
were the Shanghai newspapers. For instance the Shanghai 



Times wrote: "Miss Anne Milde, the star entertainer of 
the Blue Danube Bar, made her first appearance with Whitey 
Smith at the Paramount Ballroom. Miss Milde, who has a 
delightfully pleasing voice and sings in English, French 
and German, is expected to become a favorite at the 
Paramount.'' 

She certainly did become a favorite and remained one. 
She continued working at The Blue D inube and the Paramount 
until the Japanese attack on Shanghai in 1937. It was a 
record of a long-time engagement, even for Shanghai where 
good entertainers were always in great demand. But she 
never was paid enough for what she was worth. 

On the first of each month Mr. M. promptly collected 
his ten percent commission from Annie, as he later also 
did from me. But until the time when he found a job for 
me I lived in a kind of twilight zone. In fact, I was very 
much at odds with myself. 

Writing a book like this one, I have a hard time to 
tell the events in chronological order. There was so little 
chronological order in our lives. Annie became what might 
well be called a star in Shanghai. The high/ight of her 
career - as I mentioned before - was the American Inde= 
pendence Ball, sponsored by the Fourth Marines at the 
Paramount Ballroom. Both bands were playing al ternat;J|ply 
at both sides of the large ballroom, the Fourth Marine Band 



Mi 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 226 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 227 - 






truth of the matter was that every once in a while 1 spoke 

German with some of our European-born patrons because be=» 

sides English or French as well as their native language 

(most Swiss and all Austrians speak German anywny) they 

generally had a fair knowledge of German. That's how Wong, 

who didn't know a word of German, assumed that they and 

I conversed in their native tongues. As Annie was a success 

at The Blue Danube and the Paramount so was I at the Casa= 

nova, but mine ;nade more waves all over the Far East - and 

that reminds me of the afore-mentioned American oil-mil= 

ionaire. 

I had not seen that man before when he appeared one 

evening at the Casanova, engaging half a dozen girls and 

ordering nothing but champagne. The girls had to be paid 

for the time they spent with a patron and for each dance. 

The man, who quite obviously was not a local resident, 

should not have been allowed to sign chits, but pay in cash 

or redeem the chits in cash before he was leaving instead 

of being presented with them by the end of the month by 

one of our compradores. Anyone, who once defaulted in 

redeeming a^ny chits, lost all his credit anyv;herc in 

non-alcohol ic / 
Shanghai. The girls were generally served/ tea-cocktails 

although the patron v;as charg,ed the full price of what = 

ever he had ordered. As a general rule the management 

did not appreciate any of the girls getting high. It 



was bad business all around. Some of the regular patrons, 
wise to the ruse, could not be fooled, and when it came 
to champagne, which could be ordered by the bottle only, 
it was not possible to substitute sodawater for the girls 
Aside from their fifty percent of the dance tickets each 
girl received a special commission on the over-i)riced 



champagne. Not a night went by without trouble for 



me 



to separate one or more inebriated girls from one or more 
inebriated patrons. One girl in particular had the odd 
habit of starting to striptease when she had reached a 
certain degree of drunkenness. If I didn't catch her in 
time, all I could do was to sling her over my shoulder, 
bare-bossomed and all, and carry her to the girls' dress= 
ingroom, depositing her there on a couch and feed her 
strong coffee. 

Well, this American oil-millionaire had a hell of 
a good time, and after a while I began worrying. The 
amount of champagne started to show and the amounts of 
chits he signed was staggering in my opinion. When the 
chits, the man had signed, added up to almost two thou= 
sand Shan^'Jiai dollars I decided to consult Wong. Although 
I was generally authorized to judge, how much credit we 
could extend to a customer, this man baffled me. So I 
climbed up to the balcony and asked Wong what to do. 

He nodded at me. "You're right. We better find out 



*— IW.»WI P. III I I I II I II I . I l l I 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 229 - 




them, and they take their friendships, once extended, 
very seriously. 

Well, I went to see the American at the Park Hotel 
on Sunday morning, and he redeemed the chits cheerfully. 
In fact, he told me it had been worth the fun he had had 

For simplicity's sake let me call him: Arthur Long. 

We two became well acquainted. The last time I saw him, 

he posed a proposition to me which was a once in a life= 

time opportunity. Everything being considered and having 

plenty of money to invest, he had come to the conclusion 

that the nightclub business in Shanghai was uniquely 

he/ 
profitable. V.1iile/had H^ been back home after his last 




trip to the Far East he had a firm of architects dr 



aw 



blue prints for the most exclusive, glamorous nightclub 
anywhere in 'the world, something even Shanghai had never 
seen. When he would be coming back to Shanghai within 



three month's time, he would bring his architect al 



ong 




to get the construction under way. Meanwhile I should 
canvass the city for a choice of at least three good 
sites from which he would choose one. I would be managing 
the club with full authority vested in me. I was going 
to hire two dozens of the most beautiful dance girls, 

find a small, 5ut outstanding dance band, hire the best 

most superb / 
Chinese personnel I could gather and make it theT 

club there ever has been. I would receive a yearly 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 230 - 



guaranteed income of thirty thousand American dollars 



with a generous percentage of profits above this 



amount . 



That was it. To say the least, I was stunned. For the 
first time in my life I was handed an actual chance to 
become wealthy. A Nabob, a Croesus, a Tycoon. Arthur 
Long, so he said, trusted me completely and so could I 
trust him without reservation. We would draw up a contract 
prior to the opening of the club. 



Coming home that morning about the same time 



as 



Annie, I asked her to look at me with special attention 



because she would be seeing a future millionaire or 



some= 



thing close to it. She looked, shook her head, yawned 
and started to get ready for bed. She was tired, but 
I didn't let her go to sleep before I had told her of 
Arthur Long and his fantastic nightclub. Within ten years, 
so I boldly predicted, we would have at least a quarter 
of a million dollars put aside and then would immigrate 
to the United States as true capitalists. Sure, she said. 



and yawned again. Before she closed her eyes she told 



me 



we would count the money when we had it - in ten years. 
She was right. So please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 
In contrast to Annie I had an uncanny capacity to get 
quickly enthusiastic. In retrospect, I should have re- 
membered then and there what Jacob Wassermann had written 
in his book "Wedlock", "Average young people today and 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it! 



- 231 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 232 - 




probably in all ages are as inconceivably stupid in judg= 
Ing life as they are imprudent in self-assurance and in- 



capable of self-mastery. 



It 





I never met Arthur Long again. It was not his fault. 
To this day I strongly believe that he honestly meant 
what he had promised me, but neither he nor I could have 
reckoned with the gods of chance who were stubbornly set 
against my getting ever rich. But the idea alone of mak= 
ing big money had already corrupted my mind. Never before 
had I coveted wealth and never did I so afterwards. I was 
punch drunk with the promise Arthur Long had planted in 
my head. I totally forgot that I had no understanding 
about handling money and actually did not care to have 
more than I needed at any given time. If Arthur Long 
could have made his commitment true, I might have growTi 
wealthy. Yet, I cannot help but feel that I also might 
have had to pay for it in some way not to my liking. Too 
much money is not inducive to creating happiness. 

Anyvay , before Mr. Long could return the Japanese 
interfered by attacking Shanghai. Tourists and traveling 
businessmen stayed away and we had to leave. That was 
Arthur Long, God bless him wherever he is, still alive 
or not. It was just another dream gone with the wind and, 
believe it or not, we are grateful to God that He did 

not ever let us grow dependently rich. Wealth, too often. 



creates selfishness and selfishness in turn creates spirit= 

ual misery. There may be some people who may say, they 

would gladly buy spiritual misery for a million dollars, ^'/ 
hur I believe/ a/ 

/Mi if they could, they would regret it. There is/middle 

way between poverty and wealth, to which everyone should 

be entitled and which allows one to buy what one needs, 

but not all the goodies in the world. We had to struggle 

all our life and were so much happier for it. We never 

lost the excitement of joy for anything we were able to 

buy after saving for it dime by dime or dollar by dollar. 

Even now after so many years I still feel kind of ashamed 

that I ever coveted so much money. I should have knowTi 

better. Great wealth was and is not my hang-up. I was 

and am not the type for it. Annie and I would have given 

most of it away. 

Henrik Ibsen wrote, "Money may buy the husk of many 
things, but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not 
appetite, medicine, but not health, acquaintances, but 
not friends, servants, but not faithfulness, days of joy, 
but not peace and happiness." 

I heartily prescribe to that, for I've known it to 
be true. We have met some of the richest men in the world, 
but none of them we thought were truly happy, while Annie 
and I were relatively and independently poor all our lives, 
but always very happy. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 233 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came oi it I 



- 234 - 




Prior to the influx of Russian refugees 
from Soviet Russia^Shanghai was the city of luxuriously 
elegant and very much frequented maisons-des-rendcz-vous 
(brothels or bordellos, very well stocked with girls of 
all/shades and nationalities) instead of nightclubs and 
ballrooms with almost exclusively White-Russian girls, 
often coming from good families. They could not be en= 
ticed into the brothels and as a result the nightclub 
and ballroom business crowded the majority of bordellos 
out of the market. Moreover the moral attitude had changed. 





Consuls of most foreign nations shipped girls of their 
countries home if they strayed from the path of bourgeois 
respectability, whatever that is. The Soviet Consul, of 
course, had no interest in the White Russian refugee girls. 
But one fact had not changed ever since 1842 - foreign 
males always outnumbered foreign females, and the pro= 
stitutes before as the dance girls later were a com= 
modity of sexual necess>^ty. After the Russian revolution 
in 1917 many Russian families fled to Shanghai and hav= 
ing neither means nor opportunities at first to make a 
living, the daughters became the bread earners. Thus the 
famous dance girls of Shanghai came into existence. These 
girls were exiles in an alien world. They were citizens 
of no land (the same as the German- Jewish refugees later). 



They could obtain no passports, these infernal, little 
books so vitally valuable to involuntary exiles. They 
had come to Shanghai like we had done without the know= 
ledge of th£. language and way of life. They had come to 
Shanghai where they had no friends and knew no neighbors. 
They had come to a foreign city where they had no contacts 
and no other choice but to become dance girls. It was a 



m 



atter of starving or not starving for them and their 



families. Between them and so-called taxi-dancers any= 
where else existed a big difference. These Russian refugee 
girls managed to integrate themselves into the social life 
of Shanghai. Some people - but not many - had the audacity 
of calling them glorified prostitutes. They were nothing 
of the sort. They were hard-working gals and some of 

them made more money than they ever had dreamed of. 

one / 
The girls and I got along very well wi th/ another. 

None of them ever tried to seduce me, and I never attempted 
to seduce any of them. They had been hired by Wong for 
their beauty, their intelligence and their cunning to 
fleece customers as well as their social behaviour. 
In a city where good reputation was at a premium, the 
Casanova enjoyed one of the best. It was quite expensive 
for patrons to hire one of the girls out, but all in all 
they got their money's worth, that is good company for 
an evening of good fun by going dancing with them in a 
number of other clubs. However, the fun was not always 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 235 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 236 - 






what you might think it was. Even if the girl agreed and 

the management got paid for the loss of time to let a 

patron take her out, he had no guarantee that she would 

go to bed with him. More often than not she resisted and 

refused. If however she ydlded, the sucker had to shell 

out sometimes as much as five hundred more Shanghai dollars 

(three Shanghai dollars were about the equivalent of one 

American dollar) which the girl could keep without sharing 
them/ 
/with the ballroom management. In fact, a manager of a good 

club frowned on such arrangements and didn't want to know 

about it. Having won the confidence of the girls, I was 

often the recipient of many tales of woes about unbelievable 

sexual aberrations the girls had to endure. Some of them 

were not much unlike the escapades of Marquis de Sade's 

Justine. No wonder then that the girls did not yield 

easily and then only at great expense of the buyers. 

Each of these girls had their ovm style of gold- 
digging as well as sex appeal. Perhaps if you happened 
to have lived in Shanghai or even visited the Casanova 
as a tourist at the time, you might remember one or 'the 
other of these girls who had reached the peak of their 
profession and were as famous in Shanghai as starlets 
in Hollywood. 

For instance do you remember "Helen with the silver 



pupils of her eyes always turned glaringly sex- infested 

and silvery whenever she had one drink too much. The ruse 

of serving them tea cocktail instead of whiskey was not 

always successful. Anyway, it was blond-haired Helen with 

the silver eyes who changed into a compulsive stripteaser 

if she got drunk. If I didn't catch her in time, she per= 

formed as a topless dancer. 

Or do you remember Tonia, the "Golddigger" , who was 

the most intelligent, educated and most serenely beauti= 

Both / 

ful of our girls?/iA'er two children, a boy and a girl, 
whom she brought up by herself after her husband had 



deserted he 



became reputed physicians. She enabled 



them at great sacrifice to study medicine in America. 

You certainly would rerpember black-eyed Suzan, if 
you ever have visited the Casanova. She had jet-black 
eyes, a wild temperament and was a crazy practical jokster 
I was told that once she had hired a white pony, had it 
brought up to the ballroom and rode it onto the dance 
floor like Lady Godiva, her nude body covered only by 
her long, black hair. 

Sandra, "The Tigress", was one of my favorites and 
would have been yours, I'm sure, if you had known her. 
She was of Mongolian descent. She had the narrow fore=» 
head and flat nose of her race as well as the savage 



eyes"? If you do, you won't have forgotten that the grey 



temper. Oncef she had set her mind on a patron, this man 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 237 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of ttl 



- 238 - 




was lost unless he took to his heels in time. She was able 
to extract his very last dollar before she was through with 



him. 



Thinking back, I'm sure, you'll agree - if you've 





been at the Casanona - the most fascinating girl was Do= 
lores. Like so many Eurasians she was an exceptional beauty 
Hers was a strange mixture which only could have been pro= 
duced in Shanghai. She was half Chinese, a quarter Portu= 
guese and a quarter Swedish. She definitely had a Nordic 
face and Jfsky-blue, almond eyes. Her hair was black. She 
was tall and slender with a body that excuded nothing but 
sex appeal. You could feel it through your skin and almost 
smell it like the effluvium of over-scented perfume. How= 
ever, she had one incorrigible, mental flaw. For the life 
of her she was unable to tell the truth, even if she had 
wanted to. Every word she uttered was a brazen lie. She 
was quite a money-maker, and she catered to the richer, 
older men. 

All places of entertainment were open sven nights a 
week and none of the employees had a night off. Neither 
came the idea of a vacation ever up, at least not during 
the almost two years I was working at the Casanova and 
Annie at The Blue Danube. There was no Social Security 
or any other fringe benefits and no health insurance, at 
least not for us. When one got sick, one was ducked pay 



for the missed time. Yet, I never heard anyone complain 
about it. 

Occasionally, when business fell off earlier tiian 
usual on a weekday night, Wong liked to visit other ball=* 
rooms and nightclubs mostly for the reason to look over 
the stable of dance girls in case some new ones had been 
added or substituted. He liked to keep tab on his com= 
petitors who did the same with him. Any new workable 
tricks were soon copied all over town. 

None of the managers - although they were always 
guests of the house on such mutual visits - wore above 
hiring promising new girls away or what could be called 
industrial espionage. While I was working for Wong, he 
liked me to come along on these fordyas and let me select 
two of our girls to accompany us as symbols ioif our status. 
Wong, to be fair, always paid them for their time. 

Once in a while, after a visit to the Paramount Ball= 
room, Wong took the elevator up to The Blue Danube, al= 
though there was nothing that co/^ld be of interest to 
him. The intimate atmosphere of the place seemed to re=« 
lax him and besides he enjoyed to hear Annie sing. At no 
time did he mention to me whether or not he was aware that 
she v.'as my wife. She was knov.Ti as Anne Milde and our re» 
lationship, if he knew about it, was none of his business. 
In any event neither Annie nor I approached or even greeted 



Please, don't worry', Nothing came of It I 



- 240 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 239 - 




each other on these occasions. It was bad business for 
The Blue Danube if any of their guests thought Annie was 
a married gal. Quite often I saw her sitting at a table 
with a group of male patrons, and she s.iw me, of course, 
coming in with two gorgeous girls as our companions. In 
retrospect. I think that this situation was the real test 
of our marriage. We simply trusted each other. I've got 
to repeat it again and again, Annie was and still is one 
gal in a million. In fact, I told her many times that I 
had chosen her among millions of avalaible females in the 



world. 




a/ 



Shanghai, when she still was Shanghai, 
was/pu22ling, exciting, fascinating and fatiguing city, 
much more so than anyone can imagine who wasn't there at 
the time. She made herself heard without interruption. 

Shanghai was also the city of professional beggars, 
employed by a so-called beggar-king. Each one of these 
pitiful creatures were trained in the art of begging and 
its various specialities. Their boss provided them with 



any necessary tools 



because begging was 




considered a trade in Shanghai. Even small babies were 
loaned out to women mc^icants. If these little ones did 
not cry from hunger or other want to arouse attention, 
they were pinched where it hurt them. Only the rags they 



were wearing were the beggars' own. The beggar king extract- 
ed fifty percent of whatever coins they collected and waxed 
wealthy on it. Cruising beggar supervisors watched out that 
no one dared to cheat the boss. 

The variety of begging seldom changed. There were the 
women with crying babies; there were genuine and faking 
lepers who loudly shouted for pity and mercy; there were 
arm- and legless men who rolled along the side walks, 
chained to their alleged or assumed wives; there were 
others with horribly swollen limbs, suffering from ele=» 
phantiasis which could not be faked; and there were some 
who learned how to cry bitter tears for hours on end; and 
at last there was the one man who with crying shame would 
call out his misery in the only English words he had mcmo= 
rized: "No pappa, no mamma, no whiskey-soda, sir". Of 
course, there were also begging children, clad in rags. 
Everything and everybody was geared to extract money from 
others . 

In a way the beggars of Shanghai had to work hard for 
their unbelievably meager existence, but much more so had 
the rickshaw coolies, few of them lasted much longer than 
five years pulling the rubber-wheeled carriages and running 
in rythmic strides until their lungs caved in from con= 
sumption. They were the most harassed underdogs of all 
underdogs. None of them owned their rickshaws. They had 



Please, don*t worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 241 - 




to lease them on a daily basts from another big boss who 

was on the take for half th^ fares the coolies earned. 

These poor fellows were the most tormented beings in 

Shanghai. Each policeman - the Tonkenese in the French 

Concession and more so the black-bearded, turbaned Sikh 

giants in the International Settlement - was their deadly 

enemy. Especially the Sikhs played cat and mouse with the 

rickshaw coolies and woe to any one of them if he got 

caught violating one of the numerous traffic regulations. 

Although the coolies scattered as fast as mice one or two 

slip cover / 
of them always got stopped. The Sikh took the white/ encasea^ 

coolie / 

seat -cushion of the rickshaw, without which thef/could not 




ge 



t customers^ and lost much time of theday or night. The 



coolie had to redeem the cushion at the police station 
after paying a fine. It most often meant that they could 



no 



t afford to buy the ball of rice they needed for food. 




Many of them had not even a habitat and slept on spread 
newspapers in streets and alleys. The competition among 
them was fierce and they followed any prospective rider, 
yelling: "Rickshaw, master (or Missie) ! RickshaVvl " , at the 
same time slapping the white seat cushions with the flat 
of their dirty hands. For a measly twenty Shanghai cents 
they would pull you all across town, drying the sweat, 

running down tbeir faces, with old rags, slung around one 

of/ 
/the vehicle shafts. But they could exist on a few coppers 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itI 



- 242 - 



) 



o 



^ 



a day (remember, three coppers were one Shanghai cent 
hich ill turn was / 

a third of an /\merican cent) and saved whatever they 
could in the hope to return with a little nestegg to 
their peasant families. Too many never made it. 



Very few of the poor masses ever ounned an entire 
Shanghai dollar at one time. Chinese employees worked 
for so little that there was no contest for most jobs 
as far as foreigners were concerned. For instance, our 
dance ticket boy. a man in his early thirties, who each 
night exchanged or sold, if you will, thousands of dollars 
worth of dance tickets ^BB, was paid no more than thirty 
Chinese dollars (the approximate equivalence of ten /\mer= 
ican dollars) a month. Being the only bread winner in 
his large family, with these thirty dollars he had to 
feed, house and clothe his wife, ghis three little children, 
his aged parents and two sisters when they were out of 
work. They all lived together in a one-room waddle hut 
on the other side of the Whangpoo River in Pootung. The 
only things the Casanova provided for him was a clean, 
white ishang each night and his food while he was on duty. 
He, like all the other Chinese employees of the Casanova, 
belonged to Wong's family clan. I could neither hire nor 
fire any of them despite all the alleged authority in= 
vested in me as the floor manager. China, so I was told, 
had about a hundred family clans and each one stuck to 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 243 - 




their own. Wherever Chinese were employed, they had to 
belong to the same clan whether the foreign employer knew 
it or not. 



I did promise not to lose myself in 

as / 
lengthy descriptions and stick/closely as possible to our 

own travels, travails, ventures and adventures, but Shang'' 

hai, when she still was Shanghai, was unique to excess and 

for that reason alone deserves some more attention than 

I'll be giving other places and sites. Most probably there 

never will be another Shanghai in our modern world as 



there 



never was any other Sodom and Gomorrah of 




biblical times although Las Vegas and Reno may run a 
close second - not to Shanghai, but to Sodom and Gomorrah 

As there was extreme poverty of the masses so there 
was extreme wealth of a few in Shanghai with little or 



almost no middle class in between, just a deep chas 



m 




with few crossings over it. The ugly mass-poverty was so 
inflamingly damnable, that one could eventual/ harden to 
it, for thus is human nature. To us, though, the uglier, 
extreme wealth remained more repugnant and repellent, and 
I speak of super wealth, of which Shanghai had more of her 
share that any other place on the globe. Annie and I met 
two of these mul/i-multi millionaires (and I met three). 
They simply depressed us because we couldn't make up our 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! - 244 - 



minds if they actually belonged to the human race we knew. 



f 



The worst of the lot were the super-rich Chinese. 



As 



often as not they totally lacked compassion for their poor 
compatriots - as nowadays the wealthy Sout-American land- 
owners lack compassion for the down-trodden masses in their 
countries and thus nolens volens drive them into the greedy 
claws of Communist agitators. Communism, after all, is be- 
coming more and more a world-wide mental illness. 

The man, a Chinese of tremendous wealth, who owned the 



Casanova and Majestic B;^llrooms as well as the Canid 



rome 



and many other enterprises including a heap of real-estate, 
seldom left his mansion and the large rock garden compound, 
fenced in by a high stone wall and patrolled day and night 
by armed, burly White-Russian guards. Whenever he had to 
leave his fortress, four of the heavily armed body guards 
were standing on the running boards of the specially built, 
bullet-proof limousine. The ever-present danger of being 
kidnaped inspired this wealthy Chinese (as it did others 
of his class) to disguise himself as a beggar by wearing 
old and torn clothing. any time he ventured out. Of course, 
it was ridiculous. What beggar would ride in a Rolls Royce 
or Ca4i;.lac? Although kidnaping was a great sport in Shang- 
hai, tL must be emphasized that the well-organized, profess- 
ional Shanghai kidnapers could not be called ordinary crimnals. 

They definitel^y ha^ a special honor code. They were no killers, 
n if they/Tcv^'^ld their victims for a lengthy time. 



eve 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 245 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 199 - 




They were in the business for the large sums of ransom 
money they demanded and after a period of bargain^ they 
eventually could expect to receive. A dead victim was very 
bad publicity and would make them lose face. No one, not 
even kidnapers, cared to lose face. It was the most dreaded 
misfortune. 

The first time the big boss showed up at the Casanova 



one evening I almost committed the worst of all blund 



ers. 




I was about to refuse admitting this man, who looked like 
a beggar or rather a poor, old man, clad as he was in 
dirty rags. Luckily the waiter captain spotted him at the 
same time as I and wised me up. The captain bowed deeply 
to him as I let the man pass, not knowing how to greet 
him. I can't tell why, but I couldn't help feeling great 
pity for this old man as I watched him shuffling up the 
stairs to the balcony where Wong, who was as I learned 
then, a nephew of his, welcomed him with deep reverence. 




Unquestionably, Annie and I began to 

prosper in Shanghai. We earned money. Not too much, but 

enough to keep us going as long as we continued living 

modestly. We had moved, though, to a larger room a floor 

below and paid fifteen instead of seven dollars rent. We 
inherited / 
/Wt big, "flying cockroaches in the bargain, but one get 

used to every, and anything. We managed to put a few dollars 



and Whitey Smith with his musicians. The entire American 

community in Shanghai attended and Annie had been engaged 

by Chaplain Witherspoon to sin^ the American National Anthem 

to start the celebration and then later whatever songs 

she herself chose. It was a great night for her and it 

placed her solidly in the front. rank of all entertainers 

in Shanghai. The one song that really brought the house 

down was her rendition of the hit from the film "Follow 

the Fleet": 'I joined the navy to see the world and what 

did I see? I saw the sea." She wore a specially tailored 

American sailor uniform and with the round, white cap 

rakishly sitting on her tousled brown hair, she looked, 

as a high-ranking British guest told her, simply "smashing". 

It was a great evening for her, but 1 couldn't be present. 

At that time I was also working nights. During the course 

of that one night she was asked for more dates by bachelor 

officers of the Fourth Marines than she would have been able 

to handle in a year. She did not accept a single one. She 

was not only brave, talented, but also faithful. It has 

elementary / 
always been so/|m for me to love her. 

Meanwhile and from the first night she appeared at 

The Blue Danube Annie pestered Mr. M. to do something for 

me. It was not so easy. I cannot sing. In fact, I'm as 

tune-deaf as a dead mackerel. Yet - Mr. M. came through^ 

placing me in a position which made me well-known all 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of ttl 



- 200 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it I 



- 201 - 





over the Far East. Once more we both were on our way up - 
but that was all. Once more our hopes were set high. Please, 
don'tl worryl Nothing came of iti This time the Japanese 
intervened by attacking Shanghai. It was the same all 
over again. Through no fault of ours our promising 
careers were suddenly cut off as they had been in Nazi- 
Germany. 

The gods, who promote success, were against us. 
Years later after we had settled in Los Angeles I was 
being considered for parts in radio dramatic shows by 
a major broadcasting network. You guessed it. Please, 
don't worryl Nothing came of itI I was not yet a citizen 
and America had just been drawn into the war against 
Japan and Nazi-Germany. Without rhyme or reason, without 



any 



common sense we refugees from Nazi-Germany were de= 



Glared enemy aliens and as such had to obey a stringent 
curfew law which kept us at home after eight p.m. each 
day. That ended another dream. By being forced off the 
streets after eight p.m. I could not play any roles 
during prime radio time. I never regained the chance, 
for in the meantime I had no choice but to work outside 



the entertainment world. 



heart out at The Blue Danube each night, I had a miser- 
able time for myself. The money she earned just kept us 
in bread and butter and paid the rent. Wliatever was left 
she had to invest in new evening outfits, the uniform of 
nightclub singers. We could not yet move out of our cheap, 
little attic room - so humidly hot in summer and freezingly 
cold in winter. This room was a constant reminder of our 
status as refugees. Any spare time we had we used to 
improve our English. 

Each night I was alone. I couldn't sleep while Annie 
was gone. Shanghai was an extra-oridinarily noisy city, 
day and night. Street vendors were calling out their wares, 
rickshaw coolies were fighting and shouting for customers. 
Other coolies, carrying loads on long, widely swinging 
bamboo poles across their necks, chanted loudly their 
"hei-ho, hei-ho - make way" and people had to step aside 
if they didn't want to be hit by the ends of the poles. 
Somewhere was always a walla-walla around street noodle- 
kitchens, or at night one could hear the clacks and clicks 
of mahjong pieces. The Chinese were inveterate gamblers. 
In our alley Russian refugee women always gathered to 
gossip from the early morning hours to late in the evening. 




Before I was installed as the floor manager 



We had to sleep from dawn to noon, but there were always 
noises and sounds to wake us up. Strangely enough we never 



of the Casanova Ballroom and while Annie was singing her 



got used to them. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 202 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 203 






To me the hardest experience was to learn how not to 
be jealous. I suffered mentally, thinking about Annie 
being exposed without my protection to strange and per- 
haps lecherous men at the nightclub. I felt like a caged 

animal in our narrow room and quite often went in the 

hours In front of / 
middle of the night to wait iot/mmm Wk the Paramount building 
,^^!^^ ^^"^^ with Annie after she came out at last. / 
'^^^^^^^ MBHHI HHHHHBHI &■■■■■ The streets 

Shanghai were not very safe. But gradually I got my senses 
back. I could not afford to worry myself into a mental 
wreck. Besides, it wasn't in my nature to sit around 
idly. I had to occupy myself (aside from reading) and 
so I yielded to Annie's ever repeated suggestion to 
write a book again. One night I started on it. Despite 
my initial success to write in English, I wasn't foolish 
enough to believe that I already could do a full, book- 
length manuscript in any other language but German. A 

relatively short article was a different matter from a 

It/ 

book. So I wrote/VBBHV in German and managed to finish 

it just before we were forced to escape from Shanghai 
over two years later. 

Indeed, writing filled many of my empty night hours 
and later, when I also had a job, grew into a compulsion 
which to stop was impossible. Yet, it didn't make mc any 
happier. The fact is, as Robert Ruark wrote in his book 



•'The Honey Badger" that "a writer is really only ha 



ppy 



when he is miserable - when he's shut up in the back 
room with a typewriter and a hunk of paper with no words 
on it. Then he bitches and growls and screams about being 
tortured. Writers are not as normal as men." 

A writer is often asked how he got the idea for a 
book, a story, an article, a play or whatever and as 
often as not he himself doesn't know the answer. What 
in essence is an idea? It's just a small thought which 
may or may not get lost in the mass of thinking we all 
do all the time, even when we sleep in our dreams. If 
this thought, this idea sticks, it may and generally does 
find a small niche in one of the many recesses of the 
brain or the mind, if you will. Sometimes one goes pregnant 
with such a thought^ such an idea for days, or months and 
often longer. The embryo may die of malnutrition before 
it gets born or - wonder, oh wonder - it may develop into 
a full-fledged brain child. If it does, your troubles begin 
You wake with the idea, you sleep and dream with it, you 
eat and drink with it, you start isolating yourselfTrom 
your surroundings and get downright asocial. You resent 
the company of people and the interference by outside 
sounds. You retire into yourself and away from social 
life. Your wife (or husband) bears the brunt, your friends 
fail to understand your behaviour toward them. You start 
jotting down notes and the time comes when you have to 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 204 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 205 - 






sort these flMB notes which you had thrown helter-skelter 
into a box. Thousands and thousands of unconnected words 
and sentences, and sometimes whole paragraphs and dialogues 
have to be categorized. One miserable day you actually roll 
the first blank sheet of paper into your typewriter from 
where it stares at you menacingly. At last you hesitat=» 
ingly type the first words and you're caught like in 
quicksand. For weeks, for months and sometimes for a year 
or more you sit at your typewriter for so many hours a 
day and work. You feel slightly relieved when you're done 
with the first draft of the book, although you know a 
book is not written, it is re-written and re-written, 
pruned or enlarged, until you think you're satisfied. The 
last copy is being typed. You proof-read it and here and 
there you'll re-write again. At last you'll send the manu= 
script out and more often than not it will come back to 
you after weeks or months. Well, you mail it out again 
and chances are it will come back again. Only seldom has 
an editor the time to explain the reasons behind the 
rejection. If you're lucky, one of these editors will 
find sufficient merit and market-value in the manuscript 
to accept it. Generally he will request more re-writing 
done until finally you're so sick and tired of your own 
book that the actual publication is an anti-climax. 

However, if you ask me how 1 got the idea to the 



book I started writing in our small attic room in Shang» 
hai, I'm able to give you an answer. There was no pregnan' 
cy at all or very little. It rose out of the ashes like 
the legendary bird, the Phoenix. I still felt very bitter 
about Nazi-Germany, about having being forced to flee for 
our lives, for the damnable persecution of the Jews and 
for sitting in a back attic room each night by myself. 
I was bitter all right and so I was ripe emotionally to 
fall back on my most cherished vocation. Yet, I myself 
did not give birth to the idea for this book or for the 
story in its essence. I plotted it and enlarged it and 
in a way perhaps dramatized it. Friends of ours planted 
the story, or at least part of the story, into my mind 
as I explained in a foreword. The German title was: ''Das 
ist kalter Progrom" . That is cold pogrom. In the English 
translation it was shortened to "Cold Pogrom". As titles 
go, it was a bad one. Too few people know what a pogrom 
is. In case you don't, let me quote Noah Webster. A po= 
grom is organized slaughter of helpless people, particu= 
larly with official sanction as the massacre of Jews. In 
the beginning of the Hitler regime the Nazis did not yet 
pursue a hot pogrom, that is wholesale slaughter of Jews. 
They wAecL cold methods as depriving the Jews of their 
livelihood, robbing them of their possessions and abolish' 
ing their civic rights. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing cnme of iti 



- 206 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 207 - 




There Is another question which pops up 
every once In a while. How does one become a writer? 
Fact is, one doesn't become a writer. Either one is a 



writer or one is not. It Is that simple. No school c 



an 




teach anyone how to become a writer. It can teach certain 
techniques or methods, some styles and a good command of 
the language. That's all and none of these lessons are 
essentially of any value, If the talent Is missing. If 
one has the talent, it will come out sooner or later. 
One has to learn by trial and error, that is In a hap= 
hazard way and one has to develop one's own method, style 
and technique. All of It often takes years, agonizing 
years cf sweat and frustration. The worst feature of being 
a serious writer Is that one has caught the bug. One never 
can stop. Failure or success doesn't Influence your com= 
pulsion to write. In a way writing Is a mental aberration, 
a sickness of the mind, if you will. Yet, for all the 
love and money In the world I would not like to be cured 
from this often heart-breaking, wonderful ailment. Here 
I have to paraphrase Gertrude Stein who might have answer= 
ed the question by telling you that "a writer Is a writer 



is a writer. 



'/ 




How then did I start out? How did I catch this dls= 
ease of the mind? If you want an answer, you'll have to 



bear with me because I'll have to go back In time, far 
back. In case It will bore you, you may skip these pages 
the same as you will turn to another TV channel If you 
don't like the show on the one you're watching. I won't 
hold It against you If you do. 

During my formative years It never had crossed my 
mind that I would become a writer. As a young man my 
Interests were acting, reading, horses and girls - In 
that order. A year after I had gotten home from the war 
I obtained my first engagement as an actor In a pro= 
vlnclal town In Schleswlg-Hols teln. There the conductor 
of the municipal orchestra was obsessed by the Idea of 
wanting to compose the music for an operetta. He searched 
for some one to write a libretto and for no reason I 
could account for he zoomed In on me . I was his man and 
none of my refusals did any good. It came to the point 



that I wanted to run away whenever I saw him. After s 



ome 



months he had worn me down, and I promised to think about 

it. Being as unmusical as I am, I could not write anything 

to fit any melodies of his. He had to fit his music to 
my words. 

One early morning (It always happens to me early In 
the morning) I got a flash, a brain-wave or whatever you 
may call It. My mind had produced a vague Idea for a li- 
bretto. Before 1 knew it, I was caught like in a maelstrom 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 208 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 209 - 






I had to swim to get out of it if I didn't want to drown. 
Within a few weeks I wrote the libretto, story, plot and r«p 
songs. The whole bit. I still wonder how I ever did it. 
Although I remember the title "Die Apachen Koenigin" 
(The Queen of the Apaches), I haven't retained the 
faintest idea what it was all about. We produced it 
first in our municipal theatre after we had invited as 
many crtics as we knew. To our surprise several of them, 
representing out-of-town papers, showed for the opening 
night. The operetta, music, libretto and production ap= 
pealed to them. We received prating reviews which in turn 
induced several producers to come and see the show. One 
of them offered us a nationwide, quite favorable contract 
which we were only too happy to sign. Vt\o could blame us 
that we Relieved to have written a number one hit? We 
haa: struck gold, so we thought. Please, don't worry 1 
Nothing came of it. I was not destined to strike it rich. 
The day after we had signed and mailed the contract and 
before the producer could return our copies with his 
signature my composer friend got himself arrested for 
playing around with under-aged girls, making one of them 
pregnant. He was tried and sentenced to a minimum of 
ten years in prison. It was his third conviction for the 
same offense. Unluckily I had not known about it. The 
entire music score of the operetta had disappeared. I 



visited that man in prison, but he stubbornly refused 
to tell me where he had hidden the one and only exist- 
ing music score and orchestra arrangement. He was para- 
noi^ally suspicious that I might cheat him out of the 
royalties due him while he was sitting behind bars, not 
musical bars of course, but those made of iron. Anyway, 
that was the end of my career as a librettist, but the 
beginning of my career as a writer. I had caught the bug. 
Some of my first stories and articles began to sell. That 
did it. I became a theatrical and art correspondent for 
a number of newspapers throughout German language countries 
During the last years before Hitler came to power I was 



no 



t only acting, directing and producing, but also writ= 



ing a weekly anti-Nazi and anti-Communist column. I wrote 
plays for the stage and radio. In short, I was on the 
way up to the top. Please, don't worry! Nothing came 
of it! Hitler put a stop to my carrer. 

In the fall of 1932 Hans Albers, the then most pro= 
minent German actor, called me one day from his hotel room, 
while he was in Hamburg, and asked me to come and see him. 



He had something to talk over with me. Well - a call f 



rom 



Hans Albers was like a royal command. I went and saw hi 



m 



the next morning, and he plied me with one hundred years 
old Napoleon Cognac which was as heavy and potent as any 
alcoholic beverage can be. I wasn't much of a drinker and 



Please, don^Aworryl Nothing came of Itl 



Please, don't worry I Nothing', cnmc of it! 



- 211 - 



- 210 - 




and never imbibed in the morning. That over-agid cognac 
went to my head fast and before we got around to talking 
business 1 was gone far enough to sign my o\-m death warrant 
without hesitation, and so in a way 1 did. At least Annie 
and I thought so after ray mind had cleared again. Without 
giving it a second thought I promised him by all that 
was sacred to me to write a play tailor-made for him 



an 



d to which he would own all the production rights. That 



by itself was not too bad. However if I had been sober 

have/ 
(and he must/known it, the son-of-a-gun) , 1 never would 

have solemnly agreed to write the play within the span of 

six weeks by which time he would be back. He didn't give 




me 



a single idea of what kind of play he wanted other than 




that his part had to be different from whatever he had 
done before. It was a tall order, but he insisted on it 
and expected to see the finished manuscript after these 

six weeks. 

Coming home to Annie I told her what I had done. She 
said - and rightly so - that I wasn't only drunk but also 
totally out of OH my mind. But that was neither here nor 
there. Hans Albers had my s^gnature under a generous con= 
tract and I had to fulfill my obligation. 

One of the many reasons why it is such a pleasure 
to be married to Annie was and is that one could be silent 
with her without her taking any offense. For six weeks we 



didn't speak to each other or hardly so. For two weeks 

I wrecked my brain for an idea and then I wrote the manu= 

script in four. I actually did. 

Six weeks to the date I had seen him, Hans Albers 

was back in Hamburg. He, too, had been born in Hamburg 

and his father had a butcher shop there. Whenever Hans 

could he came visiting his old man to whom he was very 

close. I took the manuscript to him and he read it in 

He/ 
one night, /liked it and asked for S( 



• • 



ome minor revisions 



which I could do on the spot. With him as the leading 
man in a play of mine, my fame as a writer would be 
established. He promised to assemble the best cast he 
could get and would premiere the play in Berlin during the 
1933 / 1934 season. He was sure it would have a long 
run in Berlin. There-after he would take it on the road 
all over Germany, Austria and Switzerland. Any trans=» 



lation rights we would share Bl equally. Finally he 
arranged for me a contract with the UFA (Germany's 
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer) for writing the screen play. To 
make it short and sweet - there was no doubt anymore 
that at last I had made it. 

Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it! After Hitler 
took over on January 3oth, 1933, all contracts I had 
signed were cancelled because I was Jewish. Haad Albers 
himself was in trouble. His girl friend was Jewish, and 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of iti 



- 212 - 





he was ordered to ditch her, but he wasn't the kind of man 
to take orders from a former Austrian bum. He took his 
Jewish girl friend to London and there married her for 
the spite of it. When he returned to Nazi-Germany Hitler 
didn't dare to have him arrested, but he was forbidden 
any public appearances. Being professionally dead, he 
retired to his home in a small town in South Bavaria 
and told the Nazis they could lick his behind (pardon 
the expression, but I'm sure you've heard it before^), 
Hans had not been the marrying kind, but the Nazis got 
his goat and thank the Lord he wasn' t the only German 
who had the backbone to defy Hitler and his gangsters. 
There were many others. Millions in fact and that is 
the honest truth. A quarter of a million of these brave 
German anti-Nazis had to pay with their lives for their 
resistance. 



The first time Mr. M. collected his ten 



percent commission from Annie she point-blank told hi 



m 




that he had to find a job for me, too. After all, I also 
had learned to speak English, or what we considered was 
English. 

Of literally hundreds of nightclubs, ballrooms and 
honky-tonks in Shanghai the "Casanova" on Avenue Edward VII 
in the French Concession was considered as one of the two 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it'. 



- 213 - 



most prominent. Only the "Delmonte" could equal it. The 
Casanova was Chinese owned and its general manager, Mr. 
Wong, knew the nightclub business a la Shanghai better 
than anyone else. He was totally self-educated, had n 
fantastic head for figures and spoke English and Russian 
well enough to converse easily in these two foreign languages. 
The Casanova which almost exclusively catered to foreign 
patrons, could not do without a foreign floor manager. 
Luckily shortly before Annie had accosted Mr. M. about 
me^ Wong had to fire his floor manager because this man 
had succumbed to the temptations, offered by the American- 
style bar and the forty-five beautiful dance girls. He 
drank and fornicated to such an excess that he more and 



^ 



more neglected his duties. 

As so often in life it was more important to be at 
the right spot at the right time than having the neces= 
sary experience. Mr. M. introduced me to Wong by telling 
him that I happened to be one of the best-known European 
ballroom manager. For once I was dishonest enough to keep 
my mouth shuLalthough it was the most blatant over-state= 
ment of the century. Timothy, though, nudged me and giggled. 
The true fact was that I never had been inside any ballroon}, 
leave alone managed one. But apparently Mr. M.'s word was 
good enough for Wong or - as I later suspected - I was the 
only candidate available just then. Wong, when I learned 
to know him better, was much too shrewd to have swallowed 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of itl 



- 21'* - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 215 - 






such obvious balderdash. To be on the safe side he even 
didn't inquire what ballrooms or nightclubs I had ever 
managed. I'm sure, Mr. M. would have named half a dozen 
from the Folies Bergere in Paris to the Trocadero in 
Hamburg. Anyway, Mr. Wong hired me on the spot with the 
understanding that I would start working that very night. 

I was so green that/even didn't know what a ballroom 
or nightclub manager was supposed to wear. Mr. M. made 
a list of what I needed. Luckily we had enough money on 
hand to buy in the afternoon a pair of black trousers, a 
black curaberbund, a white shirt, a black bow tie, a white, 
so-called monkey jacket as well as black patent leather 
shoes. When I had dressed prior to leaving for the Casa= 
nova Annie claimed that I very well looked my part - as 
slick as a Casanova. After the first night we dismally 
had to admit that I had to have a clean white sh-^t and 
monkey jacket each night and at least a change of trousers, 
cumberbund and tie once a week. All we earned in the be= 
ginning we had to spend on our professional wardrobe. 

A ballroom as well as a nightclub in Shanghai, when 
she still was Shanghai, had a flair and atmosphere so 
unique that it couldn't be compared with any other in 
the world. They ranged from luxurious elegance to simple, 
cheaply adorned halls. Nonetheless, they all did a flourish* 



At the Casanova one had to walk up a wide, fake- 
marble staircase to an elaborately furnished lounge with 
its cjoak-, powder-, and restrooms. To the right two steps 



down 



one entered the American-style bar. 



Another two steps down was the large, rectangular ball= 
room which if necessary could seat more than five hundred 
guests. At one of the long sides was a row of high windows 
with always drawn, heavy drapes and at the opposite long 
side was a balcony which was constantly kept in semi- 
darkness to afford male guests and dance girls a certain 
amount of privacy. Up there, too, was Wong's ever dis=« 
orderly, cramped, small office. Most of the night he was 
sitting in one dark corner of the balcony from where he 
could observe the ballroom activities without being seen 
himself. 

During the first weeks I had the creeping feeling 
as if his inscrutable eyes were constantly focused on me. 
If you have seen Leonardo da Vinci's painting of the 
Mona Lisa, you'll know what I mean. Whatever your po= 
sition may be in regard to the picture, her eyes never 
leave you. Wong didn't have to move his head and yet 
you couldn't escape his gaze. Naturally, it made me 
nervous at first and prodded me to be always on my guard. 
I was very unsure of what he would do in case he caught 



Ing business for reasons I'll have to explain later. 



me In a single mistake and being as green as I was I should 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 216 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 217 - 





have been prone to mistakes. He never called me on the 
carpet, although from time to time he lectured mc as to 
how he expected me to act. Gradually, I lost my inse= 
curity and forgot about being watched. He and I became 
very good friends. Despite the habitual suspicion of 
most Chinese toward any fan guey (foreign devil) Wong 
was a trusting man at heart. Basically, he didn't harbor 
any prejudices and once he felt convinced that I was re- 
liable and honest, he accepted me without reservation. 
Through him I have grown very fond of the Chinese people 
- with the exception of Chiang Kai-Chek and Mao Tse- 
Tung and their entourage which included Chiang Ch'ing, 
Mao's wife, mm the most blood-thirsty murderess in 
history. 




No Shanghai ballroom could do business without a 
string of dance girls, most of them were white Russians. 
Each and every one of the forty-five Casanova girls, 
carefully selected by Wong, was a beauty queen in her 
own right and well trained as gold diggers. They uere 
expected to wear the most elegant evening gowns and 
behave in a lady-like manner. They were also expected 
to entice our male patrons to spend as much money as 
possible, but in the process at working toward that goal 
they quite often forgot thei A«nanners. It was my job to 



keep them in line which wasn't always easy, although 

in time they and I learned to like one another. After 

all, to be hired into the Casanova or the Delmonte meant 

for these girls to have reached the peak of their pro=» 

at small, round tables / 
fession. They were sitting /in twos or tlirees around 

three sides of the dance floor unless they were invited 

to join patrons at their tables or at the bar. At the 

far end of the ballroom on a raised platform sat the 

eleven men Filipino dance band, the best of its kind 

in all East Asia. Behind the bandstand, hidden by an 

elaborate kind of stage curtain, were the service bar 

and kitchen. 

Sorry, I've got to describe the set-up, otherwise 

you won't understand Shanghai nightlife. The waiters as 

well as the waiter captain were all wearing spotless, 

white uniforms which I had to inspect each evening be= 

fore opening. They were lined up in a long row and I 

walked along like a company commander. One of the most 

important employees was the dance-ticket boy. None of 

the girls were allowed ever to accept cash for their 

services. The patron4 bought tickets for them and each 

evening the girls turned in the earned tickets and once 

a week they were paid their fifty percent share. Unless 

they were tourists, guests didn't pay cash for food or 

drinks, but signed chits which were presented to them 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 218 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 219 - 






by cotnpradores at the end of each month. The same applied 
to dance tickets. The exception were officers of foreign 
navy vessels whose chits I had to present to them for 
payment, depending on the sailing dates. I received a 
ten percent commission for any amount I collected. 

The only one not dressed In black and white or only 
white was Wong who never mingled with the guests. Without 
fall he wore a blue serge suit. Supposedly he bought a 
new one once a year. He was a middle-aged man, self-made, 
self-educated and as even-tempered as a calm mountain 
lake. On the other hand I never saw him laugh or smile. 

All In all the Casanova was run as a high-class, 
respectable place of entertainment - as far as respect= 
ability went in this morally unrestrained city. At the 
time Wong engaged me, neither he nor Mr. M. told me any= 
thing about floorshows. As a matter of fact, the best 
available acts were booked Into the Casanova. 

When Wong advised me shortly before eleven o'clock 
the first night that I had to announce jflii each act of 
the floorshow, I couldn't help but shake In my shoes. My 
heart sank way down where it didn't belong. I was simply 
not yet ready for such an experiment although I had acted 
as M.C. many times In Germany. But nothing Is harder than 
being funny In a foreign language and w>cthout preparation 
at that. The Idea of going out on the dance floor, facing 



some five hundred guests, a number of them already In a 
state of Inebriation, and introducing the acts In English, 
trying to be humorous to boot, almost Induced me to take 
French leave. But how could I? I^ever anyone needed the 
job. It was 1. I had no choice but to pull my heart up 
to where It belonged and then went In search of the 
entertainers' dressing rooms. The least 1 had to know 
were the names of their acts and what they were doing. 
It didn't help much and I was afraid my mind would be conk- 
ing out on me. Despite the notes 1 had jotted down, how 
the hell, I thought, would my English stand up In front 
of a large audience? The floor show, I felt for sure, 
would floor me (pardon the pun) - or at least I expected 
It to do just that. I had little doubt that I would flop 
terribly as an M.C. and It would spell the end of my 
job. My newly acquired knowledge of English was just not ym 
yet up to par for exposing It In public. 

There are moments In every person's life when he or 
she feels cornered or when he or she has him- or herself 
painted into a "no exit" spot. Only a miracle or a brain- 
storm could get him or her out. Well - I think when one 
is desperate enough, one either has to give up or one 
has to have a brainstorm. Where that brainstorm comes from, 
one seldom remembers. I had the kind of brainstorm which 
made me famous all over the Far East. Wherever I went 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 220 - 






later - Japan, Hong Kong, Manila, even Singapore - the 
press was there for shot^and interviews. I was known as 
"Max of the Casanona" . 

I had actually staggered away from Wong. At the very 
moment the lights were dimmed in the big dance hall and 
the spot lights centered on the dance floor for me to 
come out, I was prepared to lay the biggest egg anyone 
in my position ever had layed. I had resigned myself to 
the sad fact that this would be the first and last day 
of my job. My mind was a total blank as I slowly stepped 
into the center spotlight and waited for the audience 
to stop talking. How it came to me what 1 said, I never 
will know. I just introduced myself by name and then - 
silence on my part. 

There was only one thing I knew for certain - 1 could 
not remain silent. I had to say something however silly or 
stupid. All of a sudden, born in the sweat of desperation 
and if conjured up by some magic, words issued from my 
throat and my mind as if they had been there all the 
time. I smiled - or at least I thought I was smiling - 
and then I addressed the audience which 1 luckily could 
not see. My eyes were blinded by the spotlight on me. 
I said, trying to be as articulate as I possibly could 
manage, "I have to beg your indulgence, (or something 



of the kind. I don't remember the exact words and 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it I 



- 221 - 



"indulgence", I think, was too high-f aluting for me at 
the time), but this happens to be my first night at the 
Casanova and only a few minutes ago I had been told to 
announce the acts of our floor show. As a matter of fact, 
I even didn't know we had a floor show." Of course, I 
didn't express myself as well as I'm writing all this 
down now, but It's the gist of what I said. I'm sure, 
my voice was kind of tremulous, but I didn't stop. I 
kept on talking as if I were playing the tape of a 
sound track, mechanically so to speaki, fully unaware 
that this little, almost meaningless speech would make 
all the difference between failure and success. "I came 
to Shangha^only two months ago with little knowledge of 
the English language. As you can hear, It still Is very 
faulty, and please whenever I make a mistake just call out 
and rectify me." 

Some one In the audience called loudly, "Man, we 
won't rectify, but correct you." 

Laughter I GreClty long laughter and applause I I bowed 
and after the applause and laughter abated, I acknowledged: 
"Thank you, 1 stand corrected. As I said, my name Is Max 
Berges, and If you'll call me 'Max', I think you and I 



. n 



t 



will soon be friends. 

Well, I made a lot of mistakes and a lot of friends 
The word got around what fun it was to correct me. My 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 222 - 






malaproplsms, Incidental at first and Intentional later, 
became so well known that some of them became household 
words among the English speaking Shanghailanders . It 
grew into a real sport between myself and the Casanova 
patrons. Although I knew better, I might say one night, 
"Ladies and gentlemen, forgive me for dis interrupting 
you." Naturally, a howl went up andOozens of guests 
corrected me. Or I would say that "on the way to the 
Casanova 1 had a mis-experience." Or; "I've got something 
to tell you. If you hear it, your eyes will pop off." I 
intentionally mispronounced words and exaggerated the 
hard German sound "ss" for the damnable "th". In any 
event until the last night of my engagement at the Casa= 
nova I simply had to invent funny malapropisms or ex= 
pressions, and I really worked hard on doing so as time 
went on. Although many of our regular patrons knew I could 
speak a fairly decent English by then, everyone expected 
that I would announce the floor show in my double-talk. 
It got to the point that many Far East travelers heard 
of it and visited the Casanova to listen to me. The enter= 
tainers often complained that I stole the whole show. 

The Casanova Ballroom was advertised (and rightly 
so) as Shanghai's foremost Cabaret. Soon after I had 
been installed as its floor manager, newspaper ads and 
write-ups included statements like "Max Berges has been 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 223 - 



here a short while , but has become a landmark at the 



# 



Casanova." To me this kind of publicity was terrible, 
but I kept my mouth shut, figuring that one day I could 
hit Wong for a raise on account of it. Then one day my 
picture (I still have it) was featured in a Shanghai 
newspaper, bearing the caption which I simply couldn't 
ignore. It read: "Max Berges, formerly a well known actor 
in Germany, is now the manager of the Casanova. Although 
he has onjy been connected with the popular cabaret for 
a short period, he is gaining a host of friends because 
of his affable manners, his willingness to please and 
his ability to speak with guests of many nationalities. 
He knows eight languages and has a fair understanding of 
several others. He is an outstanding exception and has 
decidedly become an asset to the Casanova." 

To say the least, I was flabbergasted, and so was 
Annie as well as Timothy when I translated the caption 
to him. In fact, he roared w^h laughter which, of course, 
nobody but me could hear. None of us had known that I spoke 
eight languages and understood several others. Sure, I 
spoke German, some English and French, but that was all. 
As for being such an asset, I concluded that the time 
had come to ask for a raise in i^ay. I had accepted too 
low a salary anyway, being more intent on getting the Job 
than jeopardizing it by bickering for more money. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 224 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



- 225 - 





m- 



That evening I confronted Wong, showing him the news- 
paper with my picture and the strange caption. He serenely 
looked at me. "Very satisfactory publicity," ho said. "Must 



make you feel very good. 



If 



"Sure, it makes me feel good, but will you please tell 
me what eight languages I'm speaking?" I shouldn't have 
asked if I had been smart. If he believed I spoke eight 
languages that should have been good enough for me. 

"Well," he said, "I've been watching you, and it has 
pleased me greatly that you're a linguist." Despite his 
simple manners his way of speaking was somewhat pompous 
as if he enjoyed to sound like a learned man. "Mr. M. 
did not mention it when he brought you here. I knew you 
spoke German and English, but when I heard you talking 
in their native languages to patrons from Denmark or 
Holland, Hungary or Switzerland, Austria or Czecho- 
slovakia, Poland or Norway and Sweden to name a few^ 
I really was impressed. You're a good man to have around 
here." 

It was not good Chinese manners to praise some one 
to his face, but Wong was something special. All of us 
who worked for him (including and especially the girls) 
grew very much attached to him. 

His praise really caught me by surprise. I had not 
expected it and for a moment I was at a loss how best to 



utilize it. I decided on a straight-forward attack. Mr. 
Wong," I asked, "saying as you do that I'm a good man 
around here, would that induce you to double my salary?" 

The request for twice my pay was as the Jews say 
plain "chutzpah" - impertinence and generally I had very 
little of it. Naturally, he didn't feel induced at all 
to go that far. In fact, he wasn't that un-Chinese. For 
that matter, I'm sure, any boss anywhere could not be so 
easily induced to double any salary. However, without 
any bargaining (another surprise) he gave me a fifty 
percent raise which was remarkable for him as well as 
for me. This would have been an opportunity for him to 
smile, but he didn't. He remained as solemn as ever when 
he told me: "You see, I back up my opinion about you. 
You also do very well with our girls. Most of my former 
foreign managers had affairs with some of the girls. That 
undermines morale and his superiority of command. We had 
lots of trouble on account of it. Others drank too much 



w 



ith our patrons. It pleases me that you don't get in= 



volved personally with the girls and that you don't 



drink on the job. 



V 



Wong and l/remained on these friendly terms to the 
end when all entertainment places in Shanghai were closed 
in August of 1937 as a result of the Japanese invasion. I 



ne 



ver told him that 1 was anything but a linguist. The 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 246 - 





aside each month. In our precarious situation, having no 
citizenship status whatsoever, we never could feel secure. 
We had to have a few dollars in the bank to fall back on 
in case it started raining again. All in all, though, life 
didn't look so bleak anymore. We were building up new 
careers and, not being the complaining types anyway, had 
little to complain. We had made a few friends and acquired 
many acquaintances. We had lost a past and in a debatable 
way we could look forward to a perhaps promising future 
again. Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 

More and more praising write-ups appeared about us 
in the daily press. But there was more to my job than 
just pleasing the Casanova patrons. Nobody can please 
everybody all the time, and neither could I. We had our 
share of obstreperous guests, troublemakers, vulgar drunks, 
fights and parties which got out of hand before I could 



prevent it. 



foreign / 
One night half a dozen drunk^iavy officers in mufti 

had me against the wall, threatening to beat me to pulp 



un 



less I allowed six girls to leave the Casanova with 




them without exerting extra payment for them. With my 
back protected by the wall I stood my ground. A real 
fight was finally averted when our giant doorman and 
bouncer Ivan interfered. A later complaint by Wong to 
the officers' commanding captain resulted in an official 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 247 - 



• 




apology. 

On another occasion we had a group of belligerent 
German and another group of as belligerent French guests 
at the same time. Since the assent of Hitler Frenchmen and 
Germans in groups acted out their hostilities after a few 
drinks. I wisely had seated the two parties on opposite 
sides of the dance floor. It didn't take long, however, 
until the trouble started. The Germans defiantly began 
to sing their national anthem "Deutschland . Deutschland 
ueber alles" which was promptly challenged by the French 
national anthem, the Marseillaise. Soon enough a battle 
of national songs rendered the air asunder and the regular 
business in the ballroom grated to a halt. More and more 
guests began to leave. I had to threaten the German group 
(who retaliated by shouting anti-Semitic obscenities at 



me 



) as well as the French with calling the police unless 



they stopped singing and get out without any further trouble. 
I was afraid that the battle of songs would e/^pt into a 
battle of fists and the by now empty dance floor would 
serve well as the battle field. Neither side paid any 
attention to my entreaties until I sent for Ivan who was 
black-bearded, almost seven feet tall and weighed close to 
three hundred pounds. His hands looked like sledge hammers. 
He always reminded me of Ivan the Terrible, and I was sure 
that a single blow from him could fell an ox. He could 



Please, don't worryl Noyhing came of iti 



- 248 - 




part two fighting men with ease and take them downstairs 
and out of doors by holding them by their coat collars. 
Knowing his own strength, he never hit anyone. By nature 
he was the gentlest of men, but the sight of him put the 
fear of God into any troublemaker. And so it was with the 
German and French song battlers. At seeing him appear on 
the scene, they beat a retreat after Ivan had made sure 
they had paid their bills. Each group marched out in for= 
mation like a squadron of soldiers, singing to the last 
second. So often grown people are acting much sillier than 



to/ 





playing children. 



My biggest trouble was avoiding^di><nk<m with our 
guests. I could not simply turn down the many invitations 
and had to rely on our bartenders to serve me a special, 
non-potent concoction of club soda with a shot of grenadine. 
Any alcoholic beverages were strictly out, even if the one 
or other of our guests might feel offended. I have a very 
low capacity of absorbing alcohol and had to keep a clear 
head all the time. Neither could 1 sit down with patrons 
at their table. Once I did that, I could not refuse other 
guests the same privilege. If I wanted to remain in control 
of the entire business, I had to remain on my feet. It 
often posed quite a problem to get out from under the 
stubborn insistence by Inebriated guests to join them. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 249 - 





Annie and I began to feel that we were 
quite well established, but Timothy had other Ideas. He 
was dissatisfied. Very much so, in fact. And he didn't 
mind letting me know about it. He could and would not 
adjust to being compelled of living (that's what he said 
although I have my doubts If one can apply the word 'llv= 
Ing' to a guardian angel) In a city like Shanghai. He con= 
sldered It very unfair and even complained why I had not 
been provided with a Jewish guardian angel who might have 
had a better understanding for my problem. He was not pre* 
judlced by any means, he assured me. He was not permitted 
any prejudice, but he could not altogether forget that he 
had been a Christian German and that his assignment district 
had originally been Germany. Maybe as time went on he might 
learn better. Although he had not yet earned his wings, he 
could not possibly anymore be concerned with political 
events on earth. Once one was In the employ of the ce=» 



lestlal state, color, creed, or race didn't make 



any 




difference or at least that was the way It was In heaven. 

is/ 
He had also been told that God, that/iUs solrlt, never 

entered a church or temple where a congregation excluded 

worshippers on account of their color or social standing, 

or for whatever other stupid reason. 

All this was all right by him, bMt it didn't change 



Please, don't worry I Nothing come of iti 



- 250 - 






the fact that he had made a big mistake when he turned 
down to go to a ghost school. He had been given the 
choice either to start out as a ghost or a guardian 
angel, and he had been stupid enough to have chosen 
the latter. It probably would have been much easier 
and more fun to haunt people than to guard them, es= 
pecially such a man like rpe. It was quite a job to protect 
roe and often Annie as well in a city where an underpaid 
policeman could be bribed with fifty dollars to look 
away if some one wanted to kill some one else. 

I truly taxed his patience to the limit when I 
accepted the invitation of a friend to motor with him 
to Nanking for a day. Whether true or not^ the rumors had 
it that there were hordes of roving bandits in the country^ 
side. Besides, each village policeman was a power by him= 
self and none could be trusted. A foreigner, as a means 
of identification, was expected to hand his calling card 
to each one of these so-called law-enforcers, although most 
of them could not even read the Chinese translation of 
one's name on the back side of the card. Going on a motor 
trip without a pack of calling cards was an invitation 
to pay some sort of ransom at each village or city on 
the way. Whatever these policemen did with the cards they 
thus collected was a mystery. 

Nothing untoward happened to us on the way to Nanking. 



Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came of it I 



- 251 - 




# 



My friend was acquainted with the infamous hole in the 
center of the road as one drove Into Wusi. This well- 
camouflaged hole was carefully kept in good condition. 
It was sufficiently deep and sharp-edged to break the 
axle of a car and it often did if an unsuspecting driver 
hit it instead of detouring it by slowly driving far to 
one side of the road. It was a good racket for the one 
and only mechanic in Wusi whose garage was close to the 
hole. In fact, this hole was his personal property and 
one could assume that the mayor and police chief got 
their monthly pay-off. The mechanic never could repair 
the car without delay, but "by and by" which meant that 
the hapless driver and company had to stay overnight in 
Wusi. The local population not only ha<n^ their fun to watch 
the stupid foreign devils (Chinese always laugh at others 
having accidents), but some of them - as for instance the 



hotel owner - also profited by the hole. Believe you 



me 



that nowhere in the world you canP escape some sort of 
shakedown. I've come to believe that man forever is dis- 
honest by nature. The petty thief, the quack doctor, the 
fake evangelist, the politician on the take are not better 
than any professional criminal. What a paradise this world 
could be if we had total honesty and integrity. Only a 
foolish dreamer like I would have such a thought. 

While my friend conducted his business in Nanking, Timot^f/ 
and I went sightseeing in a rickshaw. What else could we do? 
There was a department stOre through which one leisurely could 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 252 - 




ride from one stall to the other and from floor to floor 

without ever leaving the vehicle. It was the 
first drive-in I encountered and I*m sure the only one 
in the world at that time. O^ierwise Nanking, being then 
the capital of China, was a dusty, unimprcssing hick-town 
despite some formidable government buildings in tradition= 
al Chinese architecture. It could not stand any comparison 
to the former, magnificent capital, Peking, or Peiping as 
it was called under the rule of Chiang Kai-Chek. It had 
not like in Peking at the entrance of the Forbidden City 
a "Tien An Men", a gate of heavenly peace. 

Nanking was destined to become the scene of the 




mo 



St unbelievable atrocities, committed by the conquering 




Japanese army . In fact, the "Rape of Nanking" cannot be 
erased from the annals of man's inhumanities to man, as 
the genocide, committed by the Nazis, or the mass-murder 
ordered by Stalin, or the attack on Pearl Harbor, or 

the dropping of atom bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, 

or the London Blitz and the aerial destruction of Coventry, 
or the not- to-be-excused, unnecessary saturation bombing 

of Dresden, where more people perished than in Hiroshima 

and Nagasaki combined, or the present bloody imperialism, 

exhibited by Communist Russia and China, or the atrocities, 
bejjng/ North-Koreans, the / 

/flBHB0 committed by the^Vietcong and North- Vietnamese , 

can or will ever be forgotten. 

We departed for our return trip to Shanghai later 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 253 - 



• 



than my friend had promised. I had to be at the Casanova 

at eight in the evening. To make up for lost time, my 

friend drove very fast, not minding the fact that the 

weather turned bad. It began to snow, and it got dark 

earlier than usual. At one point, when visibility had 

become nil, my friend missed the road and we got stuck 

in a muddy rice field. There was no traffic at all, and 

we certainly were in trouble. Timothy was as mad as a 

hatter. It was not in his power to get the car unstuck. 

All he was able to do vcaspreventing us from freezing to 

death, although in his opinion we didn't deserve his help. 

He hoped, so he told me, that my friend and I would come 

down with a miserable cold at least. He could be mean, 

my Timothy, but on the other hand I couldn't blame him. 

It was kind of him to protect my friend as well although 

he was not dutibound to do so. Finally in the early morning 

hours a peasant for an exorbitant cumsha (commission) pulled 

us out with a team of oxen. 

Naturally, Annie was frantic when - tired and be= 

with/ 
draggled - I got home. The fact that Timothy was/me had 

been her only consolation. 

After I had told her about our misadventure, had her 

calmed down, had taken a bath and eaten a substantial 

breakfast to satisfy my ravenous hunger, I could no 

longer postpone calling Wong and apologize for not showi-ng 



Please, don't worry I Nothing carpe of iti 



- 254 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 255 - 






up the previous night. Whether or not he would accept my 

apologies was another matter. Wong never seemed to sleep, 

or if he did, he slept very little. Perhaps a few hours 

in the early morning and an hour in the late afternoon. 

At night he always manned his observation post on the 

balcony and from ten in the morning until late in the 

afternoon he worked in his tiny, disorderly office. He 

never told me if he had a family, and I never found out. 

He was a loner for all I knew. He didn't have a secretary 

or any office persqnelf. He did all that work himself and 

only once a month the company auditor showed up for a day. 

Well, I dreaded to tell him why '?! hadn't come to work. He 

didn't understand that anyone ever deserved a day off. 

to/ 
"There is no need for you/call Mr. Wong," Annie told 

me. "I didn't go to work either and so didn't anyone else." 

As much as I had suffered in that miserable car stuck 

in that miserable rice field, I had been lucky at that. Any 

place of entertainment as any other business or shop had 

been closed on account of the heavy rainfall. Whenever 

there was a rainstorm in Shanghai, life came to a stand= 

still. The totally ineffective sewer system couldn't cope 

with the torrent of tropical rain. The streets were over= 

flooded so quickly that anyone caught outside had to take 

shelter wherever he could find it. It was either that or 

drowning and each rainstorm took its toll of drowned people. 



% 



# 



Thus Wong never learned that I would have missed a 
night's work which to him was a cardinal sin. I guess, 
the only excuse acceptable to him was a death certificate 
or an illness so severe that it required hospitalization, 
and then he even might have replaced you. He was a humane 
man In all his concern for his employees within the confines 
of the ballroom, but he could not accept any excuse if 
some one In his emply shirked his or her duty for even 
one single night. That was the blind spot in his mental 
make-up. The Casanova Ballroom was his life, love, broad, 
butter - in short everything that makes life worthwhile. 
Whatever happened outside thSe walls did not seem to exist 
for him or concern him. 

As I have repeatedly maintained, this is exclusively 
a book about the personal ventures of two people and a 
guardian angel without a country and not one to linger 
on artistic, poetic or other scenic descriptions. Aside 
from the fact that I am not a poet, I also don't have the 
time to indulge in such reveries at the end of my life. My 
days are growing shorter and shorter, and if I want to 
finish this book, I better stick to thexvents as they 
happened, because so few people ever had to experie 



nee 



such a life as ours. Nanking in one day was just another 
dreary Chinese city, and I riding around in a rickshaw 
without a guide could not store in my mind many if any 



iiij 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 256 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of itl 



- 257 - 



memo 






ries of that day. The troubi^ with us was that during 
our Odyssee we were mostly occupied with staying alive 
which was a full-time, hard job. Most of the scenic 
beautiful places, for which ordinary people take to travel= 
ing, either escaped us or in the struggle of keeping our 
heads above the water level didn't impress us enough to 
retain them in our memories. Even in our spare hours - 
and these were few because Annie had to take care of every 
day chores like shopping and preparing some meals, and I 
was working on my book, wrote an article or story now and 
then, or kept up our correspondence - we seldom could enjoy 
the wonders of nature or any man-made landmarks. Thinking 
back to that one day trip to Nanking I can for the heck 
of me not even remember if we passed outside of Nanking 
the magnificent Sun Yat-An Memorial Temple high up on 
a hill with thousands of steps leading up to it. 

Annie and I began to feel at home in Shanghai, figur= 
ing that we would stay for ten years or so until we had 
made our promised pile of money (how funny that sounds now) 
and then immigrate to America to fulfill our fondest dream 
of becoming United States citizens which we considered 
would be the one great achievement of our lives. (Sorry, 
Mr. K., wherever you are). Of course, in the span of ten 
years we might have grown roots in Shanghai so deep that 
we not anymore could tear them out as it has happened to 



many foreigners who had settled in this strange city. But 
if it wasn't Hitler, it were the Japanese militarists. We 
weren't given time to grow any roots. 

It seemed that we were destined to remain what we 
had become - people without a country. Prosperity was 
often just around the comer, but we never made it. 
Luckily we were resilient to bend with bad luck and ill= 
ness. Our mutual love always sustained us. We had carved 

for ourselves a strong granite block onto which we anchor' 

so that / 
ed our happiness/MIP adversities could not really do us 

any permanent harm. It may seem ridiculous to many of 



the young peole in these times when divorces are c 



ommon 



occurrences that we believed and still believe in the 
sanctity of our marital bonds. We possessed and possess 
love. Neither money nor any other material gains can 
create true happiness. Only love can. 

The Shanghai period with its future dreams came to a 
rough and quite bloody end. Timothy had a heck of a time 
to keep us from getting killed, but when it came down to 
the essentials, to the gritty-nitty, good, old Timothy 
never failed us. 

We almost had forgotten that wo were refugees, but 
were rudely reminded of our status when suddenly we had 
to pack artain and once more leave behind our friends, our 
acquaintances and even the few possessions we had brought 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 258 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- lY) - 




now 




along from Germany or had acquired in Shanghai, not k 
ing if we ever would see any of them again. This time we 
were allowed no more than one suitcase per person on our 
flight from war- torn Shanghai. All we could take with us 
were the parapernalia of our new professions - some of our 
evening outfits. We had saved four hundred dollars which 
didn't do us any good because we had deposited them into 
a bank account and all banks had been closed. We had a 
few dollars in cash, much less than the forty dollars we 
had been allowed to take out of Nazi-Germany. The rest 
of our meager possessions we packed into a big, overseas 
trunk and the few suitcases which had survived the long 
trip from Germany. We left them in a warehouse which, as 
we later learned, was damaged by a Japanese bomb. The one 
thing I certainly didn't leave behind was the finished 
manuscript of the book I had worked on all along. We 
believed it could open for us the way to America although 
that was just another drcair. at the time. However, for once 
we didn't dream altogether. The book helped. Scripta manent, 
verba volent - written words remain, spoken words evaporate. 

Our exit from Shanghai was at least quite as dramatic 
as our exit from Nazi-Germany. 



CHAPTKR SIX 



EXIT SHANGHAI / KNThlR MANILA 




As a pacifist suffers from an 
inferiority complex and can't come to terms with the 
reality that man is by nature the most brutal and wanton 
killer in the animal world, so too many people live in 
a non-world, that is in a world which doesn't exist, and 
are, without realizing it, refugees from reality. Brain= 
washed by professional pacifists, who in turn are quite 
often suffering from a mental illness, defined as Coramu= 
nism, and who are at least as brutal and vicious as any 
bloody militarist, they foolishly yell "Peace Nowl" and 
expect that peace w^ill break out all over like flowers 
on a desert after a spring rain. Only there are few 
spring rains in deserts. 

Each day people hear and read of catastrophes and 
naively believe it cannot happen to them or where they 
are living. They read about terrible car accidents and 
smugly assert that they could not be involved in any of 
them, being such careful drivers. They learn about horri' 
fying air disasters, but just the same take confidently 
to the air, feeling secure that other planes may crash, 
but not the one in which they're traveling. For whatever 



non- reason they are always convinced that others may get 



Please, don*t worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 260 - 





cancer, but not they. 

Young people quite frequently are incensed because 
the establishment or rather their government forces them 
to pay Social Security from which they do not immediately 
benefit. They want the old folks to take care of them» 
selves, unable to imagine that eventually they, too, 
will be old folks, if they are that lucky. As 1 said, 
to most people the (on-world has more reality than the 
real world. With all the scientific and technological 
advances humanity has not improved. Humanity has remained 
prone to illness, disaster and wars because peace cannot 
be achieved unilaterally. Humanity both benefits and 
suffers from the good and bad of modern living. Man may 
conquer the whole universe, but still will remain a mere 
mortal. Man can preserve nature as it had been created by 
God and yet ai^stroys it by pollution. The ecological 
balance of nature is very fragile as we finally begin 
to learn. An eventual cancer cure will help all mankind, 
but it will never come to pass if all we do is yell "No 



Cancer Now!". 




"The difficulty in the social question is that men 
everywhere are hamstrung by ancient abuses, habitual in=* 
ertlia, and inherited or acquired wrongs," so wrote Theodore 
Herzl, the father of Zionism, in his diaries. 

It cannot happen to you, can it? Don*t be so sure. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 261 - 



Anything can happen to you at any time and wherever you 
may be. If for instance you think of anti-aircraft bullets, 
you see them shooting upwards toward flying enemy planes, 
don't you? They either hit the planes or they don't. Un« 
less you are one of the crew in a military airctaft, you 
feel assured that they won't hit you, being safely on the 
ground. Again you are a refugee from reality. What, indeed, 
happeaj to those bullets which don't hit the enemy aircraft? 
According to the law of gravity they have to come down 
again, don't they? 

Now I ask you in all innocence, my friends and foes, 
have you ever been the target of wtk anti-airctaf t bullets? 
I don't mean the ones which are winging toward you in case 
yru're flying in a military plane, but the ones which miss 
and come down again straight at you, the non-intended target? 
It so happened that we were close to being hit by them, not 
once but many times, and may I tell you, if it won't teaches 
you anything else, it will teach you the futility of life. 
Being on the ground you aren't supposed to be the targetof 
anti-aircraft bullets, or are you? Man, you're so wrong. 
Of course, it teacheuf you nothing if one of them hits you^ 
and you are stone dead from one second to the other. If 

it just misses you by a fraction of an inch, you could 

fiivc or take a few Inches. / 
get burned fiercely. If it misses you by a yard,/ you've 



had 



an experience which will leave you quite shaken. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 262 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 263 - 




It hisses by you like a streaking fire ball. If you don't 

believe me, try it out once and you won't like it. We never 

did while we were in Shanghai after the Japanese attacked.' 

If you ever hear the ack-ack of anti-aircraft guns, take 

my advice and run for cover, even if you aren't up there 

in the sky. That's being realistic. 

Anyway, it all started some weeks earlier when the 

Japanese attacked the Marco Polo Bridge near the village 

of Lukouchia, a short distance to the West of Peking or 

Peiping. That was thousands of miles away from Shanghai, 

we/ 
and^iii didn't give it a thought. After all, it couldn't 



happen to 



us/ 




in Shanghai. In fact, like fools we in Shang= 





hai didn't take that skirmish up North seriously until one 
fine morning the Japanese fleet appeared at the mouth of 
the Whangpoo River and sealed it up to all water traffic 
from or to the Yang tze-kiang, or as it is called in China, 
the "Ta Chiang", the great river. 

Of course, that was pretty close, some twenty-five 
miles away. We read about it in the morning newspapers, 
and we listened to radio reports, but still we smugly 
believed that nothing would happen to us. The reality 
was yet somewhere else, but not where we were. Even, 
when the Japanese started shelling the Northern Chinese 

suburbs of Shanghai, it was still on the other side of 

in a way / 
the Creek, the narrow inland river that/divided tt • 



he extra-territorial International Settlement from 



the non-protected Chinese suburbs of Chapai and Hongkew 
although the General Post Office Building was located 
there. We worried a little about the landing of Japanese 
troops at Woosung where the Whangpoo River flows into 
the Yang-tze-f^iang and so a few squadrons of the American 
Fourth Marines, the British, French and Italian military 
forces, stationed in Shanghai, went on protective guard 
duty at the Garden Bridgeif and other crossing which 
spanned the Creek. 

We still, I mean all of us foreigners, did not 
think much of the whole episode. It had happened before 
in 1932, and the Japanese had honored the Internationa}. 
Settlement as well as the French Concession. Sure, the 
fighting came closer and closer just across the Creek. 
Yet, we refused to call these bloody skirmishes - war. 
We dismissed them with the totally unrealistic expression 
of Sino-Japanese hostilities. We didn't want to acknowledge 
the possibility of danger, although thousands and thousands 
of Chinese refugees, poor, pursued humanity, streamed 
into the Settlement and Concession. We kept our wishful 
thinking alive that we were secure on account of the 
extra-territorial rights. Even Annie and I forgot that we, 
although being non-citizens, were actually protected by 
these rights. Officially none of the refugees from Soviet 



please, don*t worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 264 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 265 - 






Russia and Nazi-Germany could claim any rights whatsoever. 
The reality was that without a valid passport we did not 
exist and could be prey to any attacking force. Nobody 
would probably give a damn about us. Strangely enough, 
as it turned out, we German- Jewish refugees were not for=- 
gotten, but the Russians were. 

Meanwhile, these poor Chinese masses, bedraggled, 
clad in dirty, tattered garments and carrying bundles 
with the few things they possessed, were almost literally 
crawling like ants over the Garden Bridge and other cross- 
ings. Since they had nowhere to go and since nobody thought 
of organizing aid committees, they squatted in the narrow 
streets and alleys of Nantao, the small Chinese city to 
the South, or in the streets of Shanghai proper. They 
just stopp^l walking when their tired feet wouldn't 
carry them any farther. They sat down and waited - al« 
though no one could say for what. As it was, they were 
left to their miserable fate. In the ever increasing con- 
fusion no one seemed to think or attempt of feeding them, 
or finding some some sort of shelter for thera. 

For a few days it was almost a one-sided war. The 
Chinese had been ill-prepared and there were few troops 
to resist the invasion. By and by Chiang kai-shek rushed 
military cadres and weapons to Chapei and Hongkew. A few 
Chinese bomber planes appeared in the air which posed more 



of a danger to our side than to the Japanese. 

When the gas was turned off to prevent a conflagration 

in case the Japanese would dare and shell Shanghai, every" 

body stopped being refugees from realities. That concerned 

us, our own well-being. Ironically enough, one had to buy 

a hibashi, a Japanese charcoal burner, unless one didn't 

mind to forego hot meals at home. The producejr from the 

countryside did not get through anymore. With all shipp« 

ing on the Whangpoo River cut off and the railway lines 

as well as the roads to Shanghai under Japanese fire the 

flow of merchandise came to a standstill. Now the hoarding 

began^ the wild scramble of buying up anything that was 

edible. Everybody was on his own and nevermind the next 

fellow. The egocentricity of human nature revealed it=« 

self in all its nakedness. Who cared how many Chinese 

refugees and others died of starvation? Even under normal 

conditioai several corpses were found each day in the 

streets, victims of starvation. Civilization retreated 

as it always does when men fight men. All the progress of 

the centuries gets lost with the exception of the one 

geared to killing. 

One morning, a few days after the whole mess started, 
came to the conclusion / (f^ 

Annie/SHHHH that it also was time for us to hojrd some 

Mrs. Holz's / 

food if one still could obtain some. Our part of/SSTTce 

box was empty. The little Chinese green grocery and butcher 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 266 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of It I 



- 267 - 






store In our street had nothing to sell anymore. So Annie 
decided to see If a Japanese store, where we had often 
shopped before, had some can goods left. She stopped a 
rickshaw and was on her way. Please, don't worryl Nothing 
came of itl That Is - she didn't get any canned food. I 

pretended not to feel uneasy about her going out by her'* 

a few / 
self al though/ fl09 stray shells had hit the Settlement 

and some of the anti-aircraft bullets had done some nice 

killing. I had to stay home for some reason or other I 

don't remember. But instead of bringing back some canned 

food, she almost returned with a Chinese baby. As it was, 

Chinese babies seemed to be the only merchandise left 

for sale. However, with our luck this very morning the 

war really came to Shanghai proper. 

For the first time, since the hostilities had started, 

three Chinese bomber planes went into action against the 

enemy just when Annie was riding to that store in the 

center of the French Concession. The three Chinese pilots 

att;^mpted to attack the Japanese flag ship, the Idzuma, 

anchored on the Whangpoo close to the Japanese Consulate. 

They didn't succeed in unloading a single bomb. The Idzuma' s 

off target / 

powerful anti-aircraft guns kept them^JgJJJJp and in the 



process hit one of the planes close to its bomb-bay which 
was quite badly damaged. Whether or not the pilot and crew 



could never be established. In any event the three planes 

tunned to fly back to their airfield on the other side 

of Shanghai. The damaged plane crashed before it reached 

prior to/ 
, but/a 



the field 



that 



it caused the death 



of thousands of people on the ground. As it was flying 

above the busy comer of The Bynd and Nanking Road a bomb 

detached itself from the damaged bay. It killed several 

hundreds of people in an unbelievable mass slaughter. 

occurred / 
But that was nothing to what/sSQJBBl a ^^^ minutes later 

just where Annie would have been if it hadn't been for 

Timothy. For once I can happily tell you: "Please, don't 



: *. I II 



worryl Nothing came of it. 

Luckily I had stubbornly insisted on Timothy ac- 
companying Annie although he had strenuously objected 
that this was contrary to all the rules and regulations 

for guardian angels. I had gotten so angry with him that 

After all, / 
he had yielded.yfiMia^Ihe was not supposed to leave my 

side ever. 

Unbelievable at it seemed the crippled Chinese plane 
continued d its flight across Shanghai and two more bombs 
dropped from the damaged under-carriage exactly over the 
Plaza on Thibet Road and Avenue Edward VII. No enemy air- 
craft could have caused more death and destruction, Thou- 
sands of Chinese refugees had squatted down at this Plaza 



had been aware of havrlng been hit at this vulnerable spot 



to await their fate with the kind of stoicism one only 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 268 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of itl 



- 269 - 






can find among Asiatic people. Annie in the rickshaw would 

have crossed this plaza just at the same second the two 

bombs exploded there. They wrought the kind of havoc no 

living being can normally imagine. So many people were 

killed (not counting the many who were seriously injured) 

that it took thirty-seven big, heavy trucks, heaped high 

with corpses, to remove the dead. Later the plaza and the 

surrounding streets had to be hosed down for hours to 

clean them of blood and human body-debris. 

I heard the bombs explode. We lived only a few miles 

from the plaza. Naturally, I couldn't tell where exactly 

the bombs had fallen, but I could imagine the direction 

to/ 
and I got frantic, knowing AnnieTbe in that neighborhood. 

Yet, I was helpless to do anything. Going after Annie was 

out of the question. I had to stay put at home in case 

she tried to reach me by telephone or returned. I hoped 

and prayed to God that she was safe and only the fact 

that Timothy was with her gave me some assurance. After 

about half an hour, through which I suffered agonies from 

listening to the radio news about the catastrophe, she 

called me from a friend's apartment which was only a block 

out of her way to the Japanese store. The idea to pay a 

short visit to this friend had come to her of a sudden 

and for no special reason at all. She was awed, because 

had she not done so, she might also have been killed or 



at least seriously injured. I had not told her about my 
insistence that Timothy go with her and didn't do so then, 
but I was dead-certain that the special celestial per- 
ceptual sense of guardian angels had been the guiding 
influence behind her detour. The main thing for me was 
that she was all right. She would come home when all was 
safe as far as it could be still safe in Shanghai. It 
didn't matter when later Timothy got really mad at me 
for letting Annie go out by herself in a time like this 
and putting him in such a precarious situation. He wasn't 
sensitized for protecting Annie and only an intuition had 
influenced him to steer her to our friend's apartment. 

Annie told me what happened to her on her way back 
home. She couldn't get a rickshaw since all the coolies, 
scared by the bombs, had gone into hiding. So she had to 
walk. There were Chinese refugee women everywhere, offer- 
ing their babies for sale and pleading with tears stream= 
ing down their dirty faces. It was not the money so much, 
but more so the desire to save their kids from starvation. 
Two dollars for a baby boy was little enough. Baby girls 
they were giving away for free. One such woman had followed 
Annie for several blocks until at last she gave her two 
dollars without accepting the baby boy. It was not easy 
to refuse the woman two tried hard to put the baby into^ 

Annie's arms. I think, Annie with her soft heart might 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 270 - 





have come home with a Chinese baby Instead of a few meat 
and vegetable cans if it hadn't been for Timothy. He just 
would not let her do it. He had enough with the two of us. 
One more would have been a burden he could not assume. 

I still have a newspaper of the following day. Under 
the caption "CHILDREN SOLD FOR $ 2 IN SHANGHAI" the 
first sentence of the report read: "One of the most 
tragic features of the wholesale evacuation of the Chinese 
areas yesterday was the fact that women were offering to 
sell children to anyone who wished to buy." 

The next morning I was the exclusive, although not 

intended target of an anti-aircraft bullet. It was the 

first of several similar experiences although this one 

came the closest. In a red-hot, hissing, fiery streak the 

bullet zoomed down directly at me as I stepped out of our 

house. Timothy pulled me back so quickly that I almost 

keeled over backwards. Instead of me the bullet hit a 

Chinese vendor who at the same second stepped into the 

where / 
spot/l had been standing. He was killed instantly and 

burned to a little heap of ashes. In rapid succession 

other bullets hit the asphalt and the sparks flew upwards 

in all directions. It was a macabre fireworks. 




The danger from anti-aircraft bullets, having missed 
their target (and most of them did), was by far greater 
than the occasional artillery shells, landing indiscrimi- 



Plcase, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 271 - 



# 



nately withinf the boundaries of the Settlement and the 
Concession. Whether or not this was an intentional assault 
on the city from time to time in order to frighten u^ or 
warn other than Chinese military forces to keep out of 
the conflict the Japanese attackers never disclosed. 
Neither did they apologize. The fact remained that the 
Japanese gunners on Japanese war ships could not have 
been so badly mistaken in regard to the direction their 
artillery was aimed. There was no safety anymore anywhere 
in Shanghai. 

To our unbelievable surprise the German Consulate 
General called us, offering us evacuation with the passen- 
ger liner "Gnelsenau" which was going to be diverted from 
Japan to the Yang tze-kiang. We could not decide to ac«» 
cept the risk of setting foot on German soil again and 

a German ship was just that. We refused at first, but the 

us / 
Consulate called again assuring/that under the circumstances 

we would be absolutely safe and be regarded as Auslands- 

deutsche (Germans living abroad). 

We were in a quandary. Our hopes of having found a 

haven in Shanghai had been shattered and come to a brutal 

end. With all prices of entertainment staying dark and 

closed we were jobless. Life in Shanghai haou as much as 

ceased to exist. All business had come to a grinding halt. 

Store fronts were boarded up. Sandbag bastions appeared 
on most street corners. Street cars and buses did not 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 272 - 






run anymore. Few rickshaw coolies still dared to come out 

and hustle. Taxis were hard to get. ^od grew scarcer and 

scarcer and prices soared beyond our means. We had little 

cash on hand and with the banks closed as well we couldn't 

even draw on our meager savings of four hundred dollars. The 

German Consulate offered us a free trip to Manila as guests 

of the German Reich, or as we translated it as Hitler's 

guests which was quite ironic. It was a hard decision to 

make. We surely had to get out of Shanghai for better or 

worse. No other shipping line of any other country would 

if/ 
take us, even /we could pay the fare. They were busy evacu= 

ating their own nationals. It was the same all over. We 

had to flee for our lives - only this time on a German 

boat and a German boat under international law was German 

territory and German territory to us was Nazi territory 

and Nazi territory was fraught with danger as far as we 

were concerned. We could be tricked and kidnaped with ease. 

I consulted with Timothy. He had no celestial perception 

of danger. At last we yielded to the circumstances and 

accepted the generous, or at least supposedly generous 

offer by the German Consulate. The poor White-Russians 

had nowhere to go unless the one or the other of them 

succeeded in obtaining a Nansen passport, especially created 

for people without a country. Yet, even with this passport 

It was very doubtful that the bearer would be able to book 

a berth on any ship as long as the emergency lasted. This 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 273 - 




particular, so-called passport, initiated by the Norwegian 
explorer and scientist Frltjof Nansen, who in 1922 received 
the Nobel Peace Price for his relief work in behalf of 
starving Russians, was internationally recognized (except 
by Russia, of course). In general, though, it was not issued 
to ordinary exiles. 

We had to go downtown to the German Consulate General 
to have our invalid passpc^rts temporarily re-instated and 
stamped with the entry visa for the Philippine Islands. 
We were lucky to find two available rickshaws, but every 
few minutes we had to jump out and run for shelter. It 
was a race between us and death whenever enemy planes 
overhead came too close and anti-aircraft bullets began 
zooming up and down again. Timothy got all excited with 



so much work c 



ut outt 



or him. He even forgot that he wasn't 




allowed to swear under any circumstances. Despite all the 
danger it was funny, for Timothy quite obviously remembered 
some of the juiciest swear words and tried to protect him- 
self by always adding the same apology: "Please, dear God, 
forgive me, but why do You do that to me?" 

Death in Shanghai had become a casual occurrence. One 
didn't even skip a heart beat anymore at the sight of 
corpses which were gathered up like so much junk. Shells, 

bombs, anti-aircraft bullets killed scores of people day 

fires frinf,e ci / 
and night. Huge/SHMI flBHJPi ^^^ Settlement and the 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of iti 



- 274 - 





Concession. Nantao, the quaint natlA^ city, was packed 
with refugees like a can with sardines. Business ha^ stopped 
there altogether and nobody could tell how these poor people 
fed themselves. The Northern suburbs of Chapel and Hong- 
kew, where the actual fighting was going on, were envelop- 
ed In an ever spreading conflagration. 

Jim Marshall In the now defunct magazine "Colliers" 
wrote In an article: "In the maze of winding streets and 
passages of Nantao the ragged, dirty thousands cook, eat 
and live and love - and die like animals." 

A few days later Nantao also went up In flames. How 
many people perished there nobody will ever know. Human 
beings, men, women and children, became flaming torches. 
The horror was indescribable. 

Mrs. Theodore Roosevelt, Jr., wrote in the Saturday 
Evening Post a long article, titled: "Escape from Shang- 
hai". It is worthwhile to quote a passage from it. "1 was 
In Paris," so she wrote, "all during the bombcz^ment of 
1918 and, at that time, thought that I was looking on the 
face of war. But the bombardment of Paris was a child's 
tea party compared to the war which was to engulf us in 
Shanghai." 




In a way, I assume, I'm a product of World 
War One, of post-war Germany, of material and spiritual 



Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of it I 



- 275 - 



deprivation, mass- joblessness and stupendous inflation 



i 




when 



a billion mark was not enough 



to buy a loaf of bread. All the wars lumped together have 
only proved that they never solved problems, but created 
new ones. And yet, since human history has been recorded, 
that is from about 3000 B.C., it has been written in human 
blood. History always tells of wars, violence and sin, but 
so little of human goodness. The great religions with 
their many splinter groups have dismally failed mankind. 
The humane teachings of men like Jesus Christ have been 
recorded, but have not changed the baser instincts in 
man. What has humanity learned from history? Not much, 
indeed. We still conduct wars without rhyme or reason. 
We, the people in the world, still follow leaders who 
promote strife among nations. We live in fear of total 
destruction, but still pile up nuclear weapons. Each 
national administration in all nations has a Secretary 
of War or Defense, but none has as yet seen fit to appoint 
a Secretary for the promotion of Peace. Nations, where 
dictators rule, as for instance in Imperial Russia and 
Red China, still encourage wars , and thus the democracies 
have to stay armed while millions of people in the world 
remain hungry. Vast amounts of money are spent on armaments 
and comparatively very little on general we If are. Brinkman- 
ship is still the rule and not the exception. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It! 



- 276 - 






Shanghai all of a sudden had become hell on earth, 
because Japan's super-militarists with their cold-blooded 
lust for power and territorial expansion, had indoctrinat- 
ed their people with their own insanity. And so they creat- 
ed hell in Shanghai and other parts of China. And so they 
spew forth fire and death wherever they stormed ashore. 
A strong minority always succeeds in leading a weak ma- 
jority for better for worse. 

One late afternoon from the roof of a high-rise 
apartment house, where friends of ourd lived, we watched two 
Japanese military bomber planes slithering like silver 
fish through the air, apparently unconcerned by the dark 
puffs of Chinese anti-aircraft bullets. They reached their 
destination, the Jessfield Railway Station, about five 
miles from where we were watching. They dived steeply, 
dropped their bombs and disappeared into the darkening 
sky. High, red flames shot up at the station as it burned 
to its death. And there we were, innocent, helpless by- 
standers, observing modem warfare at close range. It was 
absurdity, driven to its limits of bloody futility. Wars 
are the utmost in human absurdity. We will go to any length 
to save one person's life and then offer thousands to be 
sacrift^ed senselessly in wars, none of which can be 
rationalized by sober reflections. It could be that wars 



are manifestations of human mental aberrations which find 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 277 - 



# 



their fulfillment in a mass death wish. We won't ever be 
able to explain it. Peace can only be universal, demanded 
by all the people on earth. Like the sword of Damocles the 
final world war with its total nuclear destruction is hang- 
ing above us and will fall upon us unless we, the people 
of the world, change our way ot thinking and our moral 
and ethical attitudes, unless we finally learn to settle 
our differences by dialogue and reasoning. Men apparently 
have not been able to live in peace, but we could live 
without wars if that is what we all really want. I despair 
that we ever will learn. We had so much time for learning. 

I despair because embracing Communism in the fashion 
of our youthful rebels (and to hell with the generation 
gap! I had been a youthful rebel, too.), misguided by the 
older, deadly intellectuals in our midst, is no acceptable 
alternative. It is worse than death on a battlefield. Yet, 
too many of our young people and some of the not so young 
ones are rushing like lemmings toward the darA'sea of Commu- 
nism or Fascism which is another way of total self-destruction 
Where Communism or Fascism reign, humanity is doomed to live 
in a graveyard like zombies. Where the minds of men are 
shackled, life loses all meaning because extremists arrogate 
free speech, but refuse to listen. 

And where is God, we may ask? Who is God, we may want 

to know?* We cannot and should not learn where and who God 

that/ 
is other than/RIs omnipotence and omniscience are beyond 

our human understanding. We have two choices - for or 



m m mnrn ju m^mimmm 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 278 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 279 - 





against God. Whoever decides for God as being the Creator 
must have faith about which there cannot be an argument. 
Faith Is faith and Is not grounded In religious hocus- 
pocus. Faith Is a state of mind. No more, no less. Who=* 
ever has faith does understandU life with all Its fortunes 

and misfortunes, Its vicissitudes, happiness and unhappl= 

he or she / 
ness. Whoever decides against God and falth^^ls lost In a 

jungle of deep darkness where happiness of heart and soul 

cannot be found. And If we accept God as the Creator of 

the Universe, we may ask who created God? Luckily there 

is no answer to this question either, for If we ever know 

all the answers we cease to be human. But you may very well 

ask, if there is a God, why do we have wars, violence, crime, 

natural catastrophes and Illness? Only God knows as He 

knows why ecology, the balance of nature, also applies 

to the selection about which animals, Including the human 

perish / totally / 

species, shall live and which shall/SSor become ^extinct 
- for the latter may be a means to control the population 
explosion. 




The foreign nationals In Shanghai began to 
stir at last when shells and bombs and bullets did not any=» 
more honor their extra-territorial rights. They started evac 
uatlon proceedings for women, children and non-essential men 
Unconcerned about the others, each nation took only care 



of her own, the French for the French, the English for the 
English, the Americans for the Americans, the Italians for 
the Italians, the Germans for the Germans and so on. No one 
gave any consideration for the refugees from Soviet Russia. 
However, In all honesty It must be said that In this crisis 
the Germans In Shanghai did not forget the refugees from 
Nazi-Germany. At home they killed and Imprisoned the Jews. 
In Shanghai they saved them. Another absurdity, but one 
which showed that not all Germans, not all Germany, could 
be blamed for the atrocities the Nazi gangsters committed. 

While we had begun to prosper In Shanghai, modestly 
yet, because prosperity to us meant making a living and 
thriving on the Illusion that we were taking roots again, 
I had forgotten about Ahasuerus. Now once more I was re=« 



m 



inded that I was still the wandering Jew. I finally learn' 



ed my lesson that nothing In life was stable, that there 
Is no guarantee for security. We again had acted silly by 
believing In possessions and ownership. In reality we do 
not possess, we do not own anything ever, for there Is 
nothing we can take with us when the day of departure 
has come. Why do some of us envy the greater fortunes of 
others when we do not know of their sorrows. We cannot have 
the one without the other, or to be more specific, we can 
have sorrow without fortune, but not fortune without sorrow. 

It is part of the law of compensation. Why are so many of us 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



- 280 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 281 - 






filled with vain pride of the material things we own, 
knowing that whatever we possess is only a temporary 
loan, since earthly values are fleeting? We may enjoy 
them for a short while, but we should not cling to them. 
They have no meaning in eternity. Everything is a shadow 
without recblity , and we are materially neither rich nor 
poor after death. Only if during our lifetime on this 
planet we have trained our mind to reach out for true 
knowledge, for the ethic and moral values which are ours 
for the asking, we may benefit in our existence after 
death. We may, and I cannot help but feel that we will. 

"People are generally of the opinion that man needs 
things," so wrote Jacob Wassermann In his book"Wedlock", 
"but this opinion is utterly foolish and perverse; in 
reality the matters stand quite differently. It is the 
things which shamelessly and impudently and Importunately 
stand in need of man and demand and misuse his strength 
and his time, as seems fitting to them." 

Days went by and Japanese men-of-war continued to block 
all major traffic on the Whangpoo River. They allowed only 
small tenders and launches, jammed to excess of their ca=» 
pacity with evacuees, to f>ass for the four hours trip to 
the wide es^jyary of the Yellow River where the big passen- 
ger liners, anchored midstream^ were waiting. 

The German liner, the Gnelsenau, a 19,000 ton ship, 



f 



was expected to arrive at the estuary in two days, and 
we were informed to report at a certain dock of the 
Whangpoo where we would be loaded onto a small launch. 
The Gneiscnau had been diverted from Kobe in Japan on 
her regular East-Asian tour. There we were. We had left 
Nazi-Germany with forty dollars and thirteen suitcases 
and now almost two years later we had to leave Shanghai 
with about five dollars and two suitcases. 

We found ourselves in a strange, even perhaps danger- 
ous situation. Of course, we could have refused to leave 
war-torn Shanghai on a German ship , flying the swastika 
flag. But if leaving was what we wanted, because we had 
not much of another choice, there was no other transport- 
ation available for us. The other alternative would have 
been to stay without having money or any chance of earn- 
ing some plus the possibility of getting ourselves killed 
as the fighting grew closer and closer. Although neither 
Annie nor I are gamblers, we had to gamble then. We had to 
choose between two evils with no idea which tfi was the 
lesser one. We could have tossed a coin, but we consider 
tossing coins as frivolous. We trusted in Timothy's advice 
who was for accepting the trip on the Gnelsenau. Still it 
was a hazardous decision. In Nazi-Germany I had been public- 
ly denounced as an "Enemy of the State" with a price on my 
head. Here in Shanghai the official representative of the 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 282 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 283 - 





same Nazi-Germany had assured us that we were free guests 
of the German Reich and that we would be safely landed in 
Manila. The question was, could we trust his promise? Who 
would rescue us if we were abducted to Germany? There were 
other German Jewish refugees going along with us, but none 
of them had exposed themselves so openly and frankly as a 
militant anti-Nazi as I had done in my writing, speeches 
and actions above as well as underground. To this day I 
can't explain why the German Consulate General in Shanghai 
included us Jewish refugees in their evacuation program 

while in Nazi-Germany the Jews were herded into concentration 

The truth, as I always bel ie yed and still / 
camps and already slaughtered like cattle.^JSflBVIk 
believe, is / 
^■■■i that not all Germans were Nazis as not all Nazis 

were Germans. 




It was a weird kind of experience joining this 
assembly of several hundred evacuees^at Shanghai's famous 
waterfront boulevard. The Bund, early in the morning. It 
was for real, and yet I believe that everybody must have 
had a feeling that it was a kind of nightmarish dream, in 
particular for those women who had to leave their husbands 
behind. Tears were being shed that could have filled buckets. 

A squadron of young Germans in brown storm-troopers 
uniforms with large swastika arm-bands policed us, that 
is they were supposed to keep the evacuation orderly, load 



• 



us onto the launch and accompany us to the Gneisenau and 

then return to Shanghai. The sight of them almost induced 

us to take to our heels and forget about being evacuated. 

That's all we needed - the protection of Nazi-Troopers. We 

had had more than enough of them in Germany. We could see 

in the faces of other Jewish couples that they were think=" 

ing the same. We were sick to the pits of our stomachs. 

They were our deadly enemies, the enemies of all which 

was decent and humane in the world. The brown-clad S.A. 

(Sturm Abteilung - Storm Battalion) had committed and 

still were committing anti-Semitic deeds of cruelty in 

Nazi-Germany beyond human imagination. I had been one 

of many in the German underground who had fought them as 

they / 
mercilessly as they had fought us. Here/^i were again, 

installed as our protectors. It was so ironic that it was 

almost funny. We could not turn about and walk away, for 

we didn't know where to go and what to do for sustenance. 

We had burned our bridges in Shanghai. And Timothy said, "-/^ 

"Don't get excited". It was easy for him to say so. After 

all, he was not of this world anymore. So we stayed and 

stared at the small, decrepit launch which was waiting to 

take us to the Gneisenau. It seemed to be impossible that 

we all could be crowded onto its deck. In fact, we were 

afraid it would sink from the over-load before we even 

would pull away from the dock. But we walked the plank , 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 284 - 






each with the one suitcase we were allowed. We sat down 

where we could - on benches, on the deck, below deck, 

wherever there was a small space. 

A young man from the German Consulate General, who 

was in charge of this expedition until we had been safely 

deposited on the SS Gneisenau, explained to us over a bull= 

horn that the trip would last between four to five hours, 

and that the Japanese as well as Chinese military forces 

had guaranteed us safe passage. The shooting would stop 

while we passed. The heck it would, I thought, but didn't 

tell Annie that I never trusted military promises of mercy. 

War was war and mercy had no part of it. "Woe to them that 

trust in chariots, because there are many; and in horse= 

men because they are very strong." So it says in the bible, 

wary / 
Isaiah 31:1. I had learned the hard way to heflmetM of men 

behind guns. 

While we boarded the launch and before this miserable, 

little boat got underway, Japanese planes were raining down 

bombs on Chapei and Hongkew, the suburbs we were going to 

pass. Anti-aircraft bullets were zooming down all around 

shore / 
us and snipers on Pootung at the opposite^f the Whangpoo 

were shooting wildly at a target we couldn't even see. This 

god- forsaken launch appeared to me - and I'm sure to every- 

mero / 
one - so fragile that a single hit by a /rifle bullet could 

sink it. 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 285 - 



Annie and I found a spot 



on the side fac- 



• 




ing Chapei and Hongkew, We both kept quiet, and Timothy 
was hovering at our side. 1 asked him how he would save 
us in case we were sunk. I should have left well enough 
alone. He shrugged his shoulders and without much assur- 
ance in \ycs voice promised to fish us out although the 

was / 
problem/that he wouldn't know where to take us. After all, 

he said, it wasn't his fault that we got ourselves into 

this kind of a mess. He would fish us out all right and 

then we would have to see. Nice, indeed! Neither weird 



no 



r eerie are the right adjectives to describe this trip. 



It was akin to the super-natural, the unearthly, the trau- 
matic experience beyond normal imagination. The entire 
trip was as way-out as if we had taken some hallucinogens. 
These hundreds of people on the small boat silently and 
raotionlessly sat or squatted as if they weren't really 
alive. The inside fear and the outside sights stopped all 
conversation. But this abnormal muteness on our part spoke 
louder than any sounds we could have uttered. Then some- 
one - as we learned later a professional folk singer - 
whose only baggage was his guitar- started to play sad 
melodies as if he felt compelled to background our feel- 
ings musically. 

The launch huffed and puffed and very slowly made 
its way toward our goal. Ashore we saw the mass destruction 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of It I 



- 286 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 287 - 






of war. Burnt-out godowns (warehouses), burning buildings, 
smoke belching into the air. The once teeming streets of 
Chapei and Hongkew were as empty of living beings as grave- 
yards. The shooting ashore did not stop, but no soldiers 
came into our sight. Shanghai was dying, and we knew that 
it would not ever come to life again. We were on a psy= 
chedelic trip without ever having heard of this phenomenon. 

As I had expected, and contrary to their promise to 
stop the war while we were passing by^ the Japanese showed 
off what they could do. Each of the many Japanese gunboats 
we passea started shelling the shore-line the very moment 
our launch came into view. We were the unwilling audience 
of real war, and it did not amuse us. At one spot the 
Japanese waited until we could watch them landing soldiers 
ashore. If the Chinese troops had lost their heads by shoot* 
ing back while we were passing, we would have been done for. 
As I said, I was convinced that this launch of ours could 
have been sunk by a single rifle bullet. If we had been 
able to stop breathing, we would have done so. We were in 
a state of hallucination which was reality, and the sad 
melodies of the guitar player added to our confusion of 
ideation. 

There was no doubt, however, that the Japanese were 
In control, and they made sure we observed it. It was the 



free, lustful. Tlie Japanese took her a short time later 
and in 1949 the Communist forces of Mao Tse-tung threw 
them out. After that there was a long silence. Shanghai 
seemed to have ^disappeared from the map of the world. 

In September of 1967 I read in the Zuerich Weltwoche 
an article about Shanghai, written by Pierre and Renee 
Cosset. They did not leave any doubt that Shanghai was 
a dead city. The Red Flag was flattering from each roof 
of the former British, American and French highrise build- 
ings as well as from the former bank palaces on The Bund 
and the well-known hotels of international reputation. 
There were no more large ships in the once teeming harbor. 
Street traffic was almost non-existent. However, with all 
this the beggars were also gone and so was the night life. 
The former French Club had been converted into a so-called 
Communist Culture Center. The former Canidrome was being 
used as a People's Auditorium where boring political in= 
droctination speeches were delivered almost each night. 
Shanghai's unique charm as the most international metro- 
polis in the world was gone, but so was the trade of opium 
or any other trade. No more nightclubs, no more ballrooms, 
no more fun and no more dance girls and very little crime. 
Gambling was forbidden and Shanghai was as dead as it could 
be. 



beginning of the end of what we knew was Shanghai - gay. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 288 - 




It seemed that we had traveled for days 
instead of hours when at last we reached the end of the 
Whangpoo River. The estuary of the Yang tze-Kiang, where 
the shore lines were almost invisible, was as calm as an 
inland lake, and our little launch chucked on like a shell 



on 



the ocean toward the gigantic Gneisenau, looming up 





like a sky-scraper when we came alongside her floating 
platform. None of us, we knew, would ever see this mighty 
river again which for three thousand and four hundred 
thirty miles from the Tsinghai Province flowed to the 

East China Sea. 

Our limbs were cramped and stiff, and we had a squeezy 
feeling in our stomachs as we stepped on the swaying, 
swinging platform or pontoon. A so-called Jacob's ladder 9 
led up to the deck of the Gneisenau and climbing it was 
to us like scaling a straight mountain side. It was a 
nightmarish termination of a nightmarish trip. If one 
added to it our apprehension what might await us Jewish 
refugees, the adventure could only be called macabre. 
And so we took one cautious step after another up the 
ladder, holding on with our left hand to the rope along 
the outside of the ladder. I had put my right hand against 
Annie's back to give her a feeling of steadiness, as ima- 
ginary as it was. If only one of those ahead of us would have 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 289 - 



# 



f 



slip', we all would have toppled like so many dominoes, 
lined up one behind the other, onto the pontoouor the 
sea below. It was all less dangerous as it may sound, 
and yet none of us had ever climbed a Jacob's ladder onto 
a gently swaying ship which appeared to us as enormous 
as a high mountain. None of us were athletes or sailors, 
just ordinary people, young, middle-aged and old. I can't 
tell how many steps we had to climb - a hundred, a thousand 
or more? Step followed step - and we didn't dare Wk either to 
look up or down for fear to lose our balance of which I 
had little anyway, being deaf in one ear. We took each 
step by itself and sighed with relief when at last a hand 
reached out to pull us on deck. No mishap occurred and 
no words had been spoken. The SS Gneisenau was lying high 
on the water and as we looked over the railing we didn't 
trust our eyes. Down below the launch didn't seem to be 
la4Lger than a mere rowboat. High above us a single Japanese 
military plane was circling in the air like a vulture. 



The very moment the last one of us had reached the 



deck 



f 



our suitcases had been hauled aboard^ 

was / 
the pontoon/ VM pulled in and the anchors were 



heaved^ Vihe SS Gneisenau slowly started to steam toward 
the China Sea and back to Kobe, from where she had been 
diverted. Our little, decrepit launch with the sqadron of 
brown storm troopers pulled away in the opposition direction 
to return to Shanghai. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 290 - 




We reached kobe , Japan, in two days and stayed there 

for three more. Being the first evacuees, reaching Japan 

from Shanghai, we were what is generally called - News. 

I could not help feeling some resentment of having been 

taken to the land which so viciously was attacking and 

destroying the city we had adopted for our new home. Again 

we were unsettled escapees. Only two weeks ago my picture 

in The North China Daily News / 
had been prominently displayed/next to one of Edward G. 

Robinson, mine as the manager of the famous Casanova Ball-- 
room and Robinson's as the star of a new film "Thunder 
in the City". How true a prediction that title turned out 



to be. 





Well - what was the use to dwell on the past? One can 

never recapture it. 

A large crowd including members of the press 
were waiting for us down below dockside as the Gneisenau 
made fast. It seemed, the entire German community from Kobe, 
Yokohama and Tokyo had come to welcome us . A German brass- 
band played German national tunes and all of us were wel= 

corned with rousing shouts of "Heil Hitler". The whole scene 

- t o say the least ■ / -, . . ^ 

was/painful to us Jewish refugees. We certainly wouldn t 

"heil" that damned Hitler back as the other German passengers 
did. Neither had we any desire to listen to the German music 
or the welcome speeches. We kept in the background, wonder- 
ing if the Germans in East Asia had not yet heard of the 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of ttl 



- 291 - 



% 



t 



t 



brutal anti-Semitic racial Nazi-laws, proclaimed by their 
"great" Fuehrer at the Nuremberg rally in 1935. 

Suddenly through all the noise we heard our names 
called. Again and again. Stepping to the railing high 
above the crowd below on the dock we scanned for whoever 
called us. After some time we saw them, a couple of German- 
Jewish friends from Shanghai u/ho had left Germany just days 
before Hitler came to power. They had gone on a vacation 
trip to Japan prior to the outbreak of the Sino-Japanese 
hostilities around Shanghai. They were stranded now, un=» 
able to return to Shanghai. Luckily they had enough money 
to hold out for months. 

They lived in a small Japanese hotel, the owners of 
which had hung out the Nazi Swastika flag in their honor. 
The Japanese could not differentiate between Germans and 
German Jews. Germans were Germans to them. We spen^ the 
day with these friends and returned to the Gneisenau for 
dinner. Since we had no money for any sightseeing, they 
forced us to accept ten dollars although we did not know 
if we ever could repay them. In fact, after we left Kobe, 
we never heard from them again. Years later, when we were 
already in America, we were surplsed when someone told us 
that they had been Communists and had gone back to Germany 
after the war, East-Germany that is. They had disappeared 
behind the Iron Curtain like divers below the water line 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 292 - 






without surfacing again. 

Back aboard ship the first evening in Kobe we found 
in our cabin a beautiful basket with a variety of the most 
delicious fresh fruit we had seen in a long time. One could 
not eat any fresh fruit or vegetable, grown in China (and 
imported fruit or vegetable had been much too expensive 
for us) , because the Chinese peasants used human excrements 
as fertilizer. Of course, one could wash them in a potassium 
permanganate solution, which, however, generally spoiled 
the taste and was not a hundred percent guarantee against 
catching diarhea or any other internal disorder. 

Japan was different. It was and probably still is the 
cleanest and most sanitary country in the Orient. One could 
eat any food grown there without fear. The sight of the 
oranges, apples, pears, bananas, peaches, plums and cherries 
made our mouth water. These fruit baskets, one for each 
evacuee couple, were presents by the German Embassy as 
well as the German community in Japan. Each of the baskets, 
adorned with a swastika ribbon, had a card attached to it, 
offering each one of us a hearty "Heil Hitler" welcome. Even 
to us Jews. It seemed to be unbejievable . That swastika 
ribbon and the "Heil Hitler" spoiled our Jewish appetite. 
In a way this goddamn "Hcil Hitler" cxpresseoC as much a 
menace to our health as the human excrement fertilizer in 
China. We were very much tempted to throw the whole, god- 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 293 - 



f 



forsaken basket, fruit and all, overboard as many of the 
Jewish evacuees did in their rightful scorn. Annie and I 
had second thoughts. We threw the card and the swastika 
ribbon into the water below and then enjoyed eating the 
fruit. After all, so we argued, the fruit didn't care 
whether they got into a Jewish or German stomach. God 
had grown it to be eaten and so we did. To be sure, we 
didn't choke on them, but fervently hoped that some day 
in the near future the Nazis would choke on their swastikas. 



f 



t 



Using the ten dollars, our friends so 
graciously had given us, we took a trip to Takarazuka 
(pronounced: Takarazka. In spoken Japanese the "u" be* 
fore and after a "k" is generally omitted), an hour's 
train ride from Kobe. The Takarazuka Girl Opera, a phe=» 
nomenon and living legend in the world of show business, 
had become internationally famous since it had been founded 
more than half a century ago. Its first promoter, Ichizo 
Kobayashi, had started the all-girl song and dance theatre 
in 1910 in order to save a fifteen and a half mile long, 
bankrupt railroad which ran between Osaka and the little, 
quaint town of Takarazuka, which means "Treasure Hill". 
Recently a part of the company, which consists of 
about four hundred beautiful, graceful girl singers and 
dancers, toured the U.S. We didn't go to see the show. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 294 - 





Its great charm is lost out of its own surroundings. One 
has to see their musical extravaganzas in Takarazuka itself 
to appreciate it. Each show always lasts four hours with 
one half hour intermission. It is split in two parts. The 
first half is a Kabuki-style musical and the second a 
Western revue where the girls also appear in male roles. 
The costumes in both parts are dazzling and so are the 
sceneries. 

The little town of Takarazuka has^grown into a unique 
tourist attraction. The Grand Theatre with its three thou- 
sand five hundred seats has eleven revolving stages, wind-, 
rain-, smoke-machines, so?te one thousand floodlights, over 
fifty dr^ curtains and a stage almost four hundred feet 
wide. The little city has seal and otter ponds with 
small, red bridges, a monkey island, a children's play- 
ground, a kind of zoo with kangaroos and elephants, and 
various restaurants, foreign and Japanese. 

We arrived around eleven in the morning and had two 
hours until the performance woi^d start at one o'clock, 
/o we wandered around, watching the majestically proud- 
looking, black swans on the lakes, crossed the curved red 
bridges and felt as if we had been trans-planted into a 
fairy land. Takarazuka Shin-Onsen, which is its full n 



ame 




is exactly what we uneducated foreigners envisioned a 
Japanese village should look like. Picturesque, enchant= 



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- 295 - 



f 



% 



ing, clean - an Oriental showcase. 

Although foreigners are given programs with an English 
synopsis of the plays, it did not matter whether one read 
it or not. The stories of the two plays were of little 
significance. All that counted were the glamorous per** 
formances of the girl actors, singers and dancers. They 
had been trained for many years. Their lives were strictly 
controlled. They were not allowed to marry. They were some- 
thing to behold in their dazzling, sparkling, bejeweled 

painted in pastel / 
costumes. The beauty of the sets, /MM fli color-shade 

was / 
combinations, SKKKMfwitH indescribable and could have 

created/ 
been/i 



only by Japanese artists. It all may sound like 
cliches, but one had to see it to believe it. 

During the intermission we sat down on a velvet- 
upholstered settee in the large foyer and watched the 
audience strolling by. The Japanese ladies were dressed 
in the most beautiful, most colorful kimonos one could 
see in Japan. It was a joy for the eyes. The men generally 
wore drab kimonos of subdued, grey shades. The women of 
Japan are as graceful as the embodiments of perfect flowers, 
complete in form and vagrance. How pitiful that nowadays 
so many of them had adopted Western Fashion which deprives 
them of their culturotif heritage and unique, oriental beauty. 

A middle-aged Japanese couple sat down beside us and 
in a kindly manner talked to us in fairly good English. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It! 



- 296 - 






When we told them that we were evacuees from Shanghai, 
they exhibited great concern. They had read in their 
newspaper about the Gneisenau's rescue mission. Before 
we parted they invited us to tea for the following after=« 
noon. In fact, they promised to show us the ancient tea 
ceremony since we appeared to be very interested in Japan^ 
ese customs. We eagerly and gratefully accepted. They lived 
somewhere outside of Kobe and would pick us up at the 
boat and take us back in time before the Gneisenau would 
be leaving the following evening. 

Thus it happened that we were the only passengers 
on the Gneisenau to be invited into a typical Japanese 
home which so far we only had seen in movies. It was an 
experience we still deeply cherish. Of course, we shed 
our shoes before entering the beautiful, delicately 
fragile house and walked in our stockinged feet on the 
soft tatami mats. There are no more gracious hosts than 
the Japanese (an inexplicable contrast to the brutalized 
Japanese soldiers of the second world war). Our friends, 
if we may call them so, although we never saw them again, 
explained to us the many thousand years old tea ceremony 
while they served us. The ceremony in honor of a special 
guest is called "cha-no-yu". 

We were politely asked to wait in an outer room, called 

his / 

the "Yoritsuki". Our host, who had picked us up in •/ small 



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- 297 - 



f 



automobile, wished to change from his Western-style suit 
into a kimono. When he re-appeared, he officially welcomed 
us by bowing to us with his hands on his knees, addressing 
us as Berges-San and Berges-Oksan. Then, sliding back a 
gossamery-paper panel, a shoji, he led us into the largest, 
sparsely furnished, spotlessly clean room of the house 
where we were to drink tea with him and his wife. In the 
center on a tatami mat stood a low table with a soft 
cushion on each of its four sides. Next to one cushion 
was placed the Shichirin, a dainty charcoal burner, re» 
presenting the "winds of the pines", on which in a por= 
celain kettle water was boiling. At one comer of the 
room we saw the traditional tokonoma niche with scroll 
paintings, a vase with flowers and the butsudan, the 
family altar. 

The lady of the house, dressed in a more colorful, 
but still simple kimono, formally greeted us in the same 
manner as her husband had done in the Yoritsuki. We bowed 
baclcand then sat down cross-legged (a very strenuous exer* 
cize for foreigners) on the cushions. The hostess served 
us in the traditional manner of the ancient tea ceremony. 
Into each of the four handleless cups she put three tea- 
spoon^ full of green, powdered tea, then poured hot water 
over it, twirled the tea with a bamboo whisk, which al- 



m 



ost looked like a shaving brush, until the tea was frothy. 



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- 298 - 






The bubbles of the froth represented the "evanescence of 
life", reminding us that life was nothing but a fading 
experience. At last with a rythmical, gracious gesture 
she turned each bowl around twice and then presented it 
to us. We were told also to turn the bowl around twice 
and then slowly enjoy drinking the brew with audibly 
sucking noise. 

During the afternoon as guests of these two kind, 
extra-ordinarily cultured people we experienced a few 
hours of true inner peace as we had not known for many 
years and would not know for many years to come. Like 
us they abhorred war and were ashamed of their power- 
hungry, military leaders (as we were of ours in Nazi- 
Germany) , who - as they said - in their lust for conquest 
fed like maggots on decaying human minds. The exception, 
they said, was their revered Emperor Hirohito who was the 
gentlest of men, but did not have any political power. He 
was a symbol of godliness, far removed from the realities 
of common life. CXir conversation turned to thoughts, not 
bounded by our different nationalities or the chasm between 
Occident and Orient. We were simply four human beings of 
the same mind, but caught up in a whirlpool which none of 
us could control. We agreed that moral, ethical and politic^" 
al issues have been and are being again and again arti£>fc^-=. 
ally reduced by a minority of irrational, shouting, but 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 299 - 



t 



not listening extremists to fundamentally primitive con- 
cepts which deny any ideological principles to the con- 
trary. 

It is my belief that when strange people meet for a 
short time it happens for a higher purpose. Our meeting 
seemed to prove that active minds, although they had been 
formed in basically diverse upbringing and cultures, are 
able to bridge the gap if rationality and the will for 
neighborly kind-heartedness prevail. There was between 
us a convergence of ideas which had an ever-lasting ben= 
eficial effect on us and we tend to think on them as well. 
Sadly enough, though, too many people do not activate their 
minds and instead let them float on the shallow surface 
of existence. They are willing to follow any Pied Piper, 
any demagogue, any evangelist and quack as long as they 
are not compelled to think for themselves. 

In these few hours of a single afternoon the four of 
us were friends, true friends, although we had not met be« 
fore and in all probability would never meet again. It was 
beautiful and the memory has lingered on all over the years 
When we parted, this kind Japanese couple warmly addressed 
me as Berges Kum, meaning our good friend. Therein lies 
a deep tragedy. If only ordinary people and not heads of 
states in summit meetings could converse with ordinary 
people of other nations and cultures, we all could and 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 300 - 





would be good friends and neighbors. The Hitlers, the 

Stallns, the Mao tse-Tungs, the Kosygens, the Tojos, the 

Nassers, the George Wallaces, the Fulbrights, McGoverns, 

the Joe and Eugene McCarthys, the De Gaulles and Francos 

would have no chance to rule our thinking. We would be 

liberated from the yoke of prejudicial extremism. Fascism, 

Communism, Racism would be words without meaning. 

But there we were again aboard the Nazi ship Gneise= 

nau, leaving Kobe on a journey into the unknown as far as 

we were concerned. This one afternoon was just a short, 

although unforgettable interlude which could not change 

our destiny. We still were exiles, unprotected 4y any 

laws, at t^^e mercy of powers from which we could not 

escape. Again like in the Siberian Express we were travel- 

of/ 
ing without any knowledge/what we could expect. Chjr mis = 

so/ 
givings, our apprehensions were real and/were our con= 

stantly gnawing doubts if we shouldn't have stayed in 

Shanghai instead of trusting the promise that we would 



be landed in Manila. There is as little honor 



among 




political fanatics as there is among any other criminals. 
And so we could not enjoy our sea voyage on a luxury 
liner. We were not molested either by word or deed, and 
yet we could feel the silent antagonism against us, al» 
though we might have imagined it more than it was factual. 
We avoided getting acquainted with any of the other passen- 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



% 



- 301 - 



gers and none made an effort to get acquainted with us. 
We existed - at least in our minds - in a kind of vacuum. 
Our faces were masks. Our smiles were artificial. Young 
people nowadays complain about insecurity without knowing 
what it is. We've lived with tangible as well as legal 
Insecurity during the years we were people without a 
country. That is, perhaps, why we so much more appreciate 
the security of American citizenship than most native-born 
Americans. It is the greatest gift. God has granted us. 
(Sorry, Mr. K. , wherever you are.) 






That night, when the Gneisenau sailed 
away from Kobe to Hong Kong, Annie and I took stock of 
our status. When we left Germany we had been worse off, 
for we had not known what ^ife in exile would be. In 
these last two years we had learned more than we realized. 

We had learned to hold our own, no matter what and despite 

that / 
the fact/5nce more we were on German territory. It was 

an odd and anomalic situation in which we found ourselves. 
We had also learned to speak, read and write English fairly 
well. Both of us made up our minds that one day we would 
go and live in the United States, come hell or high water. 
We had not the faintest idea how to accomplish it, but we 
were determined. And that was all that counted. 

Timothy complained that he was prone to sea-sickness. 



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- 302 - 



Even with the ocean as calm as it was, he didn't feel too 




we 



II. If he wanted to, he could transport himself to Manila 



without suffering a long sea voyage. He could wait for us 
there if we promised not to get ourselves into any trouble. 
I promised him that we would jump overboard if he dared 
to leave us alone for a minute. We were In dangerous terri^ 
tory and who could tell what might happen to us without 
him.^ I could not anticipate how right I was. Something 
happened that could be called a near-catastrophe, although 
it had nothing to do with Nazism. 



As 



I turned around in bed and tried to sleep I began 




to reminisce. All right, we were determined to immigrate 
to America. I remembered that many years ago, and before 
I had met Annie, I almost did so. If I had, Annie and I 



wou 



Id not have found each other. However, truthfully it 




was in the book that we did. 

I had been in my early twenties and Germany was a 
bleak country during the post-war years. There was much 
hunger, mass-unemployment and an unbelievable inflation. 
I had studied American history and government, and I 
thought the time had come to find out for myself what 
America was like. My mother had a cousin living in New 
York. She wrote to him and he invited me to come over 
and try America for a spell. If I like it, I could stay 
and apply for citizenship. On the other hand I always 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 303 - 



% 



could return to the old country. He was not a rich man, 
but he could afford to give me room and board. Please, 
don't worry! Nothing came of it! A few weeks prior to 
my departure the good man passed away, and I stayed on 
in Germany. Well, that's the way it was in life, I thought, 
before falling asleep that night. All one actually needed 
was faith in God, and we had that, both Annie and I, and 
since this faith had carried us so far, it would carry 
us further. Many do not believe it, but God's will be 
done. Always. Whatever we are - Americans, Germans, British, 
French or you name it - even exiles - whether you*ve faith 
or not - none of us ever ceases to be a citizen in the 
Kingdom of God. 



The odds are that very few tourists, even 

if they travel to the Orient more than once, have ever 

typhoon / 
met with a/tyKpan or will ever meet with one. If they do, 

the odds are even longer that they will meet with the kind 

of typhoon we ran into. It seemed that everything happened 

to us, but to make such a claim is blasphemy. Our tribu= 

lations, our pains and anguish as well as our happiness 

are bestowed on us by God who always has His reasons which 

sometimes we learn to understand and more often not. There 

cannot be an argument about it. 



Generally typhoons rage in the Far East between May 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 304 - 






and November. Allegedly, though, they are always dls- 
atrously violent when they blow In August and September. 

It was August when we steamed from Kobe to Hong Kong 

as/ 
and, as I said, the ocean was/peaceful and bluish-green as 

a benevolent mountain lake. One reaches the actual Hong 
Kong harbor after passing through the so-called Junk Bay 
and then through a sort of canal. We arrived early in the 
morning and docked opposite Hong Kong at one of Kowloon's 
piers. All the docks for passenger liners and large 
freighters are situated at Kowloon on the mainland side 
of the mountain-ringed harbor which with/ its many emerald- 
green islands appears to be more of an inland lake than 
a sea port, teeming with dirty-grey Chinese junks, little 
white sampans and scurrying ferry boats. Several naval 
ships lay at anchor in the middle of the harbor. 

From the city of Kowloon on the Kowloon Peninsula, 
a mile across the harbor, the sight of the twenty-nine 
square miles island of Hong Kong (translated: Place of 
Sweet Lagoons) and Victoria City is just fabulous. No 
other adjective will do. At night Hong Kong, rising up 
on a mountainous hill, the Peak, glitters like a star- 
studded fairy land. 

From Hong Kong the view upon Kowloon (anglicized 
Cantonese for "Nine Dragons") is something else. KowJ.oon's 

range of hil^s, whose highest point at over three thousand 
feet is Taimo Shan, actually resembles a row of dragons. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 305 - 



I 



m 



While Victoria on the island of Hong Kong is the business 
center of the British colony, Kowloon is the industrial 
complex with Nathan Road world-famous for its shops. We 
almost spent our last dollar there and bought a black, 
dragon-embroidered silk robe for me at a bargain price 
we couldn't resist. I still have it and like a good luck 
charm I always take it along each time I've to go to the 
hospital which in the last fifteen years has happened more 
often than I like to count. 

From April to October the sun is all prevailing in 
Hong Kong. The humid heat is devastating, worse even than 
in Shanghai. As the SS Gneisenau made fast at one of the 
piers, we saw a number of other passnger liners at pier 
after pier. There were among others the Italian "Conte 
Verdi", the British "Korfu", the Japanese "Asama Maru" 
and the Dutch "Van Heuszten". A great number of freighters 
were unloading their goods, destined for Shanghai, which 
had been declared out of bounds. Aside from Rio de Janeiro 
and Sydney - Hong Kong is being considered the finest and 
safest harbor in the world as long as there is no typhoon 
hitting it. Then it changes into hell's cauldron. 

During breakfast we were warned that there was a 
cholera epidemic prevalent in Hong Kong and that we should 
not eat or drink anything and anywhere but in foreign 
restaurants or hotels which, of course, Annie and I could 
not afford. Moreover, we were advised to be back on board 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



• 306 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 307 - 




before six In the afternoon. There was a typhhon warning 
for the night and all big liners would leave Hong Kong 
harbor before nightfall. 

We didn't think much of it. A typhoon, after all, 
had little meaning to us. But one had to live through 
one to learn better. The Gneisenau with a number of 
other big ships steamed out of the harbor for the dur- 
ation of the storm because it always got caught there 
like in a funnel with the deathly result of a giant- 
sized, furious whirlpool, the power of which cannot be 



/^ 



imagined, unless one afterwards witnesses the destruction 
t had/ 




caused. 

Timothy, although he was gloomy and kind of obstreper- 
ous, had no choice but to accompany us to the other side 
of the harbor and Hong Kong proper. As much as we were 
tempted, we didn't take the cable car to ride up to the 
top of the eighteen hundred three feet high Peak from 

t 

where on clear days one allegedly could see the Poruguese 

island of Macao, some forty miles to the West. In fact, 

when we did take the ride two days later, we couldn't 

on the other side of the Peak / 
even see the outlines of that far-away island, but/we 

Ba^^/ 
caught a glimpse of Repulse/riHi 




Hong Kong's fashionable, all year-round resort 
place. At it was, we could do little, being down to 
three dollars cash. For an hour or two we walked through 



# 



"% 



Hong Kong's narrow streets, inhaling the same pungent 
smells we remembered from Shanghai. Then as now Hong Kong 
seethed with people. We pressed through the bustling crowds 
and did some window shopping if one can call it that. Chinese 
shops had open fronts and no windows. Sometimes it wasn't 
easy to withstand/ the temptation to buy curios, although 
we were used to them from Nantao and Yates Road in Shang- 
hai. Buying curios seems to be a compulsive affliction 

of all travelers and more often than not one just acquires 
worthless/ 



Tja— » 



junk. But Hong Kong, being a free port, was and 



supposedly still is a bargain delight for shoppers, hanker- 
ing for mementos as for instance Chinese hand-woven rugs, 
Swatow embroideries, delicate ivory carvings or jade 
jewelry. 

Although we were wearing our tropical outfits (Uhich 
was almost all we had in way of clothing aside from our 

professional evening wear), we were drenched as soon as 

had/ 
we/sCarted on our first tour of Hong Kong. The climate was 

worse than in Shanghai. Luckily we didn't know that Manila 

would even beat that. One never gets used to the absolute 

heat and almost one hundred percent humidity in the tropics 

After two years of Shanghai we still couldn't take it too 

well. Besides, the alleged cholera epidemic, of which we 

couldn't detect a sign, scared us somewhat. We perspired 

profusely, but we didn't dare to buy something to drink 



H 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 308 - 




anywhere. We returned to the safety of the Gnetscnau long 
before the deadline of six p.m., changed into dry clothes 
after taking showers and then watched the preparations for 
the expected typhoon. All windows and port holes were her- 
metically sealed. The hatches were closed and rope hand- 
lines were rigged everywhere. All during the afternoon one 
ship after the other left the harbor - with the exception 
of the Dutch "Van Heuszten" which went to anchor in the 
center of the harbor alongside the naval vessels. 

We left the pier shortly after six and steamed slowly 
through the narrow channel to Junk Bay where quite a way 
out from the shore line the Gneisenau waited with her 




engines idling for the storm to break. Innocent 



as we 




were, none of us passengers were prepared for the cata= 
strophic intensity of a typhoon, and this one turned out 
to be a lulu. Other passenger! liners and freighters had 
gone to anchor all over Jun/T Bay. Only the Gneisenau did 
not let her anchors down. We wondered why not, but the 
steady hum of the idling engines somehow gave us a feeling 
of confidence. Timothy, however, was in a state of alarm. 
In all his years as a guardian angel he never had faced 
any danger of this sort. He was a landlubber and water 
scared him more than anything else. He prayed for guidance. 

Gradually the blue sky turned into an ominous grey 
and darkness set in with frightening suddenness. Within 



Please, don't worry I .Nothing came of it! 



- 309 - 



I 



I 



a minute day Changed into night, total night without stars 
and without a moon. A light, drizzly rain beg^i to fall 
which in another hour turned into If slashing, pouring 
water sheds. The Gneisenau seemed to be alone in all the 
world which had been lost to the eye. Darkness obliterated 
everything. Winds began blowing, churning the sea around us. 
Yet, strangely enough, we were not perturbed. The big nine=» 
teen thousand ton ship was to us an island of security. 

We had lived through some sort of a storm on the 
little Japanese steamer between Dairen and Tsingtao. We 
could not imagine that that one was children's play in 
comparison to the one we were headed into now. Our ship 
began to sway and swing as the ferocity of the storm in- 
creased. Nonetheless, we sat down for a belated dinner 
and ate with good appetite. 

The heat of Hong Kong and the many miles we had walked 
through her streets had tired us out. So we turned in quite 
early in the evening and fell quickly asleep although the 
boat began heavily to roll. Sjveral hours later the loud 
clanging of the ship's bells woke us up. I had the sen=» 
sational feeling that I was lying upside down or something 
of the sort. And then again I was not. In quick succession 
the ship listed deeply to starboard, came up again and then 



did the same to the port side. In between it heaved fore 

11; 

and aft. It felt like being on a merry-go-round,^ 



jinxed into beinft / 
dT 



*«WM» witi iW |i Miiiiiiw aM <itw'' fc» ' w 



.ui^mrfm^-^im-:---''- r- ■■-'■~:T''v;'": '■.:.::;:"": 



Please, don't worry.' Nothing came of It! 



- 310 - 






totally wild and out of control. It was so absurd that we 

forgot to be scared or get seasick. Outs ide/^r cabin it 

sounded as if people were running back and forth, bumping 

against walls and doors. Despite the roaring noise of the 

storm, we could hear excitedly yelling voices. Then I 

heard some one groaning and moaning within our cabin. 1 

called to Annie, but she hollered back that she didn't 

groan or moan although she felt like it. We tried to get 

- , . exertio n/ 

out of bed. It afforded a major/aH» because if we didn't 

hold on to something we were thrown around as if we were 
foot balls. I managed to turn the light on. Holy mackerel, 
the cabin was a mess. Everything was strewn about and 
rolling all. 'over the floor. Trying to reach for something 
was a gamble. The very moment we thought we had it, it 
slithered away and then came back like in a magic game. 
It wasn't easy to get halfway dressed, but somehow we 
managed to get some clothes on. although we were bruised 
in the process. I still heard the groaning and moaning 
and it went on ray nerves. At an opportune moment I suc= 
ceeded in grabbing our briefcase which contained all our 
papers and documents as well as the manuscript of my book. 
I held on to it as if my life depended on it. Someone was 
knocking hard at our door. We heard our room steward's 
voice calling out for us to get up and dressed, then put 
on our life belts and proceed to the diningroom. What in 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 311 - 



I 



the name of the devil was the matter with him. Did he per- 
haps imagine anyone could have stayed asleep in this may- 
hem? And what about the life belts? Ever since we had left 
Kobe we had had only one life belt drill. For the heck of 
it we couldn't remember how to fasten that unyieldy thing. 
In front or back? It was aiyimpossible task anyway in the 
turmoil when standing or sitting at one spot was an aero- 
bat's feat. Annie and I helped each other the best we could 
while one of us was holding on to somthing immobile. When 
the next morning we inspected each other, our bodies re- 
sembled raised maps, blue and green colored and with more 
bruises and bumps we could count. 

Still the groaning and moaning had not stopped. It 
turned out to come from Timothy who at last managed to 
complain that he was terribly seasick and that this was 
worse than hell could ever have been. 



God in heaven, who ever would have thought that a 
guardian angel could get sea sick? I bawled him out that 
he ought to be ashamed of himself. It didn't do any good. 
He continued groaning and moaning, and I was glad that 
after reaching the diningroom nobody but I could hear him. 
I reminded him that Annie and I depended on him if the 



wo 



rst came to the worst. He had to fish us out of the 



1 



drink. That was his god-given duty. In fact, he better 
beware and do something that the whole ship didn't go 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 312 - 






under. "The whole ship?" he groaned. "You must be crazy I 

Do you think I'm the only guardian angel on board? I'll 

look out for you two and that's all." 

The first sound-film we had seen came to my mind. 

Maybe you remember or heard of it. No, not the one with 

Al Jolson and his black face. It was "Atlantis", the story 

of the Titanic catastrophe. But that hadn't been a typhoon 

ed/ 
Only a big iceberg. I wonder/ if in our case women and 

children would also be given first seats in li/^ boats. 

I wondered how the passengers and crew would act when 

it came to sinking? I wondered what Annie would do. I 

knew her stubbornness. She never would go with the women 

and children while I had to stay on the sinking ship. How 

about Timothy, seasick as he was, could he take care of 

both of us? And how about the other guardian angels? There 

were always people whC? perished in a disaster. Did they 

or didn't they have guardian angels or was their time 

actually up? Too many questions were /racing through my 

mindwhile we were tossed from one side of the cabin to 
> 

the other. At last Annie and I were ready to leave the 

imaginary safety of our room. 

The trip to the diningroom was a major expedition. I 

had taken ray briefcase along, determined not to let go of 

it. The Gneisenau was listing more and more heavily to 

all four sides, bow and stern, port and starboard. The 
big ocean liner was but a toy with the crest of the waves 



Please don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 313 - 



ttl 



I 



crashing over her. We were not riding out the storm. The 
storm was riding us out. I don't know how hight the highest 
point of the Gneisenau was, but each wave/reached higher 
and broke with a thunderous noise that made the ship 
shudder and our ear drums hurt. The storro was howling. 



and I mean howling. 



it/ 



J-t / 
It seemed as if /took me an eternity to pull the door 

open. The very moment I succeeded we saw a body gliding 

past us on the floor of the gangway. It was eerie because 

not a sound emanated from it. The next moment the same 

body came gliding back as the ship heaved to the other 

side. It disappeared at the far end around a comer. We 



were 



thrown to the floor the very instant we let go of 



the door. Somehow we managed to scramble up again. Tim- 
othy was gi^aning into my ear, and I told him to shut up. 
I still held on to my briefcase with one hand and the 
other to Annie. More passengers were coming out of their 
cabins. Many of them were only partly dressed. They had 
their life belts fastened any odd way. Only the next 
morning it occurred to us how funny we looked, but then 
it was easy to joke about it. Amidst the cacophonous fury 

of the storm we heard the wailing 6f children. Somewhere 

a/ 
a woman screamed in/high pitch. We were again holding on 

to our cabin door, afraid to let go. When we did, we felt 
as if we were sliding down a chute and the next moment 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 314 - 





were confronted with a high wall. We were thrown from one 
side to the other of the narrow gangway and began to ache 
all over. I couldn't tell how long It took us, but we fin- 
ally reached the diningroom or rather were shot into it 
like bullets from a canon. We climbed onto two empty chairs 
which like all diningroom furniture had been screwed to 
the floor. We sat down, totally exhausted. I got worried 
because I didn't hear a sound from Timothy and wondered 
where he might be. Clinging to the chairs and the table 
in front of us, we threw glances to the high windows. Waves 
of water mountains obscured any view. In between we heard 
and felt the heavy engines throbbing in a futile scorn 
against the elements. 

Suddenly we were jarred as if an earthquake had hit 

had/ 
us. Many of us were thrown to the floor and/to pull our- 

selves up to our chairs again. A minute later we heard 

the pumps working in a furious rythm. 

I wasn't the only fool who clung to a brief- or attache 

case, containing whatever we considered our most valuable 



po 



ssessions. In fact, there wasn't a single exception. Dc 




spite all the mayhem and excitement everyone had taken the 
same p>i,rcaution - if one could call it that. None of us 
had gotten the message that it wouldn't have made any 
difference whether our valuables went down with us or in 
our cabins in case the Gneisenau sank. Not a single life 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 315 - 



^ 



J 



boat could have been launched with waves as high as mountains. 
Not one of us could have succeeded in swimming ashore, a 
distance of at least three miles, and holding a case to 
boot. But there we were, not letting go of our small cases, 
sitting like ghosts and looking like bulky monsters with 
our life belts. 

Then and there we were all equals. Gentiles and Jews, 
rich and poor. We were all fragile human beings in the 
hands of God. We were brothers and sisters whose lives 
depended on the whims of a nature which was 'running amok. 

Nobody uttered a sound. Nobody showed any signs of 
seasickness although our faces had the greenish taint that 
preceded what the French so aptly call: Mai de mer. During 
any other normal storm our stomachs would have been pushed 
into our throats. However, our minds were frozen to a stupor 
which prevented the brain to give the order: Get seasick. 
Even the children kept quiet, clinging to their parents 
as if they had the power to save them. 

The storm, raging above and around us, was far more 
than a mere nightmare. It was a super-chimerical orgie of 
total evil. It was hell incorporated. CXir senses dulled to 
this outrage beyond our human capacity of understanding. It 






was death without dying. The ship heaved heavier and heavier 
The miracle was that she always straightened out again and 

not keeled over. Wave followed wave, crashing over and down 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



- 316 - 



on us. Each one could spell the end. But we weren't 



any 




more able to comprehend. We sat like lifeless figures in 
a wax museum. The pumps were working feverishly, and so 
were the engines. None of all this reached our conscious 
mind. We were beyond fear, the most human of all emotions. 
This was a typhoon to end all typhoons. How true it was. 
When all was over, we learned that in the last fifty years 
no other typhoon of this magnitude had ever hit the China 



Sea and Hong Kong in particular. With the winds exceed! 
a velocity of one hundred twenty-five miles an hour no 
instruments were able to measure the full extent of the 



ng 



impact. 




Eons of time went by during these night hours. Eons 



and eons. We didn't believe our eyes when the diningro 



ora 




door was pulled open and quickly closed again. The captain 
of the Gneisenau paid us a visit in all this upheaval. He 
had taken time out from his super-human duties to keep the 
ship afloat. We all turned our heads toward him. What was 
he bringing us - a message of doom or hope? Streams of 
water were running down from his black rain coat. His 
wet face was drawn and very serious. He remained standing 
near the door like a bulwark against the elements which 
were threatening us. With his legs apart he took the heav=' 
ing and swaying as if he were mounted to the floor. 

"Ladies and gentlemen," he loudly and steadfas tedly 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it'. 



- 317 - 



i 



addressed us with a forced smile on his weather-beaten 
face, "please, give me your attention for a few minutes. 
I came to tell you personally that we have the situation 
well in hand. This ship can withstand any storm, and so 
showill. However, you must have felt the jarring collision 
some time ago. It so happened that a rudderless freighter 
rammed us aft and tore a hole into our portside. Our pumps 
are strong enough to take care of the inrushing water. We f| 
have it under control and with God's help will keep it 
that way. For the last three hours we're steaming full 
power ahead against the storm without gaining a yard, 
but v4^hout losing one either." 

At this point I heard Timothy sigh into my ear, "Amen". 

The captain went out again and we felt a little more 
confident after his little speech although we didn't know, 
of course, whether he had told the truth or not in order 
to appease us. It didn't really matter. As he had said, we 
were in God's hands, and I made sure that Timothy stood 
close by. 

"Are you still seasick?" I whispered to him. 

"Mind your own business," he rebuked me. I guessed, 
he was ashamed of himself. 

We remained seated in the diningroom for endless hours. 
No one conversed with the other. We just sat, holding on 
to the tables and our briefcases. In the small hours of the 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of ttl 



- 318 - 






rooming the storm abated somewhat. Heavy rains were still 
pouring down, but the waves grew smaller and didn't any 
longer smash over the big ship, but Just rolled on the 
gangways outside. The pumps never stopped working faith- 
fully. Gradually the ship steadied herself in the still 
churning waters. We had the feeling as if we were steam* 
ing ahead now. The chief steward made an appearance, ad= 
vising us that the worst was over and we could undo our 
life belts. Somehow the cooks had managed to brew coffee 
and prepare sandwiches. It seemed impossible that we were 
able to eat and drink, but we did. After all, we were 
among the living again. The danger had passed, and Ti=* 
mothy had the nerve to tell me that he and his comrades 
had sent some direct communication to their superiors on 
our behalf. It had been they who had saved the ship. I 
found it beneath my contempt to give him an answer. I 
knew he had no direct pipeline to God. 

The winds died down and the Gneisenau with her pumps 
working was actually steaming toward the small channel which 

led to Hong Kong Harbor. The sky was still grey and a misty 

less / 
rain filled the air. The water, though, was/flBfl agitated. 

However, as the weather cleared, the heat and humidity re» 

turned worse than before. Despite the loss of sleep, we were 

still too much keyed up to go down and rest. The scenes of 

destruction we passed were often beyond belief. The power 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 319 - 



^ 



of nature, or the wrath of God if you like to call It that, 
was demonstrated to us. While we had forgotten to be fright- 
ened during the storm, we were shaken by the sights we saw. 
A big freighter, perhaps the one which had rammed us, had 
been driven onto the rocky shores and now was slowly glid- 
ing back, sinking helplessly beneath the water. She was 
damaged beyond repair, and the crew had abandoned her. We 
passed the beautiful, white Italian passenger liner, the 
Conte Verdi. She had run aground on a shoal below the 
water line. Although she listed slightly to starboard, 
she didn't seem to be in immediate danger. Later in the 
day tugboats succeeded inpulling her out and tow her back 
to Hong Kong. As we slowly sailed through the narrow channel 
and from there into Hong Kong harbor the picture of de- 
struction grew more and more awesome. The Asama Maru was 
sort of hanging between rocks near the shore of an island. 
The anchor chains of the Van Heuszten had snapped as if 
they had been made of thin rope. The ship had careened 
all over the harbor toward the west-end where she finally 
was heaved ashore up the hilly side of Green Island. A 
Chinese freighter, the "Eng Lee"^ was lying high and dry 
ashore the waterfront of Hong Kong. The British India boat 
"Tilawa" was aground off Devil's Peak. Another Chinese 
freighter was edged into a pier like a knife into a loaf 
of bread. Only the German naval vessel "The Duisburg" was 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 320 - 





apparently unharmed and afloat In the middle of the 
harbor. 

Hong Kong was a shambles of mud and debris. We made 
fast at the same pier as the day before and were informed 
that we would have to stay In Hong Kong until the hole 
in the portside aft had been repaired, meaning at least 
another four or five days. Being housed and fed aboard, 
we didn' t mind. 

After all these years I still have preserved the 
evening paper of that day, the "Hong Kong Daily News", 
which under a large lettered headline: "TRAIN OF DEATH 
AND DiSOLATION" reported: "Hong Kong's million inhabitants 
entered upon a terrifying experience the like of which has 
rarely been witnessed anywhere in the world. So great was 
the velocity of the wind that even the instruments of the 
Observatory gave up the count when the 125 miles per hour 
record had been reached and passed. Death and destruction 
followed in the train of the typhoon. Mighty ships were 
piled up along the foreshore. How many of Hong Kong's 
literally floating population have perished in the storm 
is not, and probably never will be, known." 

This had been our first typhoon. Several months later 
I was almost killed by our secbnd one. 




Hong Kong as well as Kowloon was then as 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it! 



- 321 - 



I 



it is more so now the center of international intrigue 
and a haven for spies, none of whom to my regret we met 
personally. Whenever we now see Hong Kong on the TV screen, 
we are reminded of the unbearable, humid heat and the many 
strange smells, strange at least to our Western noses. 
Screen pictures are deceiving because they convey only 
what your eyes can see and your ears can hear. There is 
much more to the Orient. Even guided tours don't make it 
possible^for you to comprehend the chasm between abject 
poverty of the masses and the extreme wealth of the few. 
We play war games at the cost of billions of dollars, we 
conquer outer space and the moon at the cost of more 
billions of dollars - and when I say we I don't mean 
only these United States, but also Russia and Red China - 
but when it comes to feeding the hungry in the world we 
fail. We are made to believe that we cannot afford it. 
We send help in cases of natural catastrophes, but we 
never make an all-out, controlled attempt to feed, house 
and educate a^ the poor in all the world all the time. 
Our compassion is only sporadic and haphazard and if an 
organization like Unicef also tries to donate food to 
starving children in Communist countries we object, for=« 
getting that all children are innocent of the sins of 
their fathers. Forgive me, but I cannot help wondering 
sometimes what kind of "superior" animals we human beings 



are. 



-. ♦^ 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 322 - 






We did some more sightseeing, but without money it 
wasn't much fun. and we were only too glad when the time 
of departure came. Hong Kong might be an interesting, al=* 
though as far as the Far East is concerned not very fascin=» 
ating place to visit for a few days, but it certainly did 
not raise any desire in us to stay there for any length 
of time. In comparison to Shanghai, when she still was 
Shanghai, Hong Kong was as dull as most British colonies 
so often are. Wherever the English go and take possession 
they bring along a certain hypocritical puritanism and 
class conscience which affords comfort only to them, but 
not to the natives or anyone else. We wouldn't have cared 
to live there, but to be frank we neither cared much to 
live in Manila although it was a paradise in comparison 
to many other cities in the Orient. 

The journey from Hong Kong to Manila was uneventful. 
No stonns, not even inclement weather of any kind. Of 
course, Annie and I couldn't shed our apprehension whether 
or not the Germans would let us land in Manila. It seemed 
almost incomprehensible that the Gestapo agent on board - 
and there was one although we didn't know his identity - 
would not seize the opportunity to abduct me at least, 
having been publicly denounced as an enemy of the state. 
I never had been or even was then an enemy of Germany, 



only an enemy of the Nazis whom I did not then and do 
not now consider Germans. Gangsters have no nationality. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 323 - 



t 



n 



For many years prior tof the Nazi-regime and even 
after that event I never had^raade a secret about my 
convictions. I had been a front-soldier in the firsuworld 
war. Germany had been the home of my family for close to 
five hundred years. So I had a right to speak my mind. In 
my weekly newspaper column as well as in many articles 
and speeches I had advertised my opposition to Nazism 
as well as to Communism which then as now I considered 
and consider evil to the same degree. I neither had been 
complacent nor apathetic like the majority of German Jews. 
Annie and I had been lucky to escape in time, and it would 
be short of a miracle if we would get away with traveling 
on a German ship that flew the swastika flag. 

During the days between Hong Kong and Manila we two 
discussed ways and means how to escape in case either I 
alone or we both would be detained when the Gneisenau 
docked in Manila. I'm sure, none of our plans would have 
worked unless they would let Annie go and hold only me. 
Annie would have alerted the Filipino and American au- 
thorities although it was doubtful if they would have 
intervened since I wasy^stateless person. 

Please, don't worry! Nothing came of itl We were let 
ashore as we had been promised. We had been - as we were 
told - guests of the German Reich, Nazis or not, and despite 



ou 



r request to be allowed paying for the trip from our 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of It I 



- 324 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it I 



- 325 - 




blocked bank account in Germany, the voyage was free of 
charge. Whoever will be able to understand the hum«in mind 
- even the minds of organized criminals? 

Well, nothing happened between Hong Kong and Manila 
until the very moment we set foot on the famous Pier Five 
in Manila. 




CHAPTER SKVEN 



MANILA AND ILOILO^P.l 




Friedrich von Schlegel, writer, 
philosopher, founder and editor of the influential German 
periodical "Athenaeum" at the turn of the 18th century, 
wrote: "Der Historiker ist ein rueckwaerts gekehrter 
Prophet". - The historian is a prophet looking backwards. 

Although I'm anything but a historian, 1 now realize 
that I am evaluating all past events with some sort of 
clairvoyance in reverse. At the time when any of these 
events happened I was not consciously observant of my 
inner thoughts, but they tucked themselves away in a 
corner of my brain and emerge when 1 try to dig them out, 
in order to organize them into written words. 

As I said, we Jewish refugees on the Gneisenau had 
been all apprehensive whether or not we would be let 
ashore in Manila. We also wondered how we would be wcl=« 
corned. As Nina Feodrova wrote in her book "The Children", 
"Whatever people say, no country is very eager to welcome 
refugees." In fact, most countries are less eager to receive 
Jewish refugees, for anti-Semitism is a world-wide disease. 
There is nothing more diabolical than anti-Semitism, or 
for that matter any form of race prejudice. There is 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it! 



- 326 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of itl 



- 327 - 




nothing so utterly and finally hostile to the spirit of 
Jesus Christ than an anti-Semite. If a Christian is anti- 
Semitic he denies Christianity, for without Judaism Chris= 
tianity would and could not have come into existence and 
without the Jewish carpenter Yeshua of Nazareth Saul of 
Tarsus could not have traveled abroad to convert the 
Gentiles to the teachings of this Jesus, who was the son 
of God as we all are children of God. A Christian anti- 
Semite is a defiler of Christianity, and yet through the 
two milleniums the followers of the devout Jew Jesus and 

ff 

h^ Jewish apostles have never ceased to defame the Jews 
and on many occasions have killed them with a lust for 




blood, unequal in the annals of crime. But all the 



enemies 



of the Jews, the known and unknown ones, have learned what 



Franz Hoellering wrote in his book "The Defenders": ' 



We 




Jews have a surer method of getting even with our enemies; 
we simply survive them." 

Yes, we survived them all. We have survived the Nazi 
mass-murderers of the Jews and so will the nation of Israel 
survive despite all the irrational hatred by their Arab 
neighbors. At the outset of the Communist regime in Russia 
many of us did hope that at last there would be one new 
nation, free of prejudices. We erred grossly. Prejudice, 
that is anti-Semitism as well as racism against the black 
people, is more rampant in present-day Russia and other 



Communist countries as for instance Poland than anywhere 
else in the world. 

A.M. Rosenthal and Arthur Gelb in their book "One More 
Victim" tell an anecdote which better than any other words 
explain the basic veracity of Jewish philosophy. "What is 
the Torah, a pagan demanded of the sage Hillel and challenged 
him to tell him its essence in the short time the pagan 
could hold out standing on one foot. Hillel said, 'What 
is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. This is 
the entire Torah, consisting of sixty-three volumes includ- 



ing the Talmud. The rest is commentary thereon 






And that, too, is the essence of Christianity. Love 
thy neighbor. But do we? 

I remember that I was thinking of the curse of anti- 
Semitism as we were landed in Manila although there was no 
special reason for it, or perhaps no other but that we had 
been traveling on a ship of a government which had dedicated 
itself to the destruction of the Jews. I was not consciously 
aware of these thoughts although I won't ever forget how 
deeply we breathed in relief as we walked down the gang- 
plank and stepped on Pier Five in Manila. With the ex- 
ception of the two of us all other non-American e\^icuees 
had only been granted temporary visas for the Phillipine 
Islands by the American Consulate General in Shanghai. 
They were all supposed and expected to return to Shanghai 



Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came of it I - 328 - 






whenever conditions were norraal again there. Neither Annie 
nor I - for reasons I'll explain later - had to worry about 
it. Besides, we had learned the hard way to live for one day 
only and let the next take care of itself. In short, we had 
recognized the futility of worrying about anything. My 
mother had been a professional worrier. She worried most 
when she had nothing to worry about. The way she figured 
it, there must be something wrong somewhere if life didn't 
put any obstacles in her way. 

Everything went all right at our arrival in Manila. 
We weren't retained on the Gneisenau and were welcomed 
by a Jewish Relief Committee. Everything went all right 
except for one thing. Mother Nature stole the scene again. 
The very second we set foot on land the ground under us 
began to heave, to buckle and make like unruly waves on 
sea. We experienced our first earthquake. Thus we entered 
Manila in dramatic fashion - from the war in Shanghai 
through the typhoon in Hong Kong to t^e earthquake in 
Manila. We still had the sway of ^he ocean in us and 
now the swaying on land was added to it. We didn't know 
whether we were coming or going. The few seconds this 
earthquake lasted seemed to be like many minutes. Look- 
ing toward the city we saw the wall of a high-rise building 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 329 - 



^a^ 
Wl 



crack from top to bottom. For a moment we wondered if the 
pier would be torn apart and we would be sucked into the 
water. We had survived the war in Shanghai, the typhoon 
in Hong Kong, but for a few scary seconds we weren't so 
sure about the earthquake. Mother Nature is very fickle 
and somehow she didn't stop showing off for us. War, 
typhoon, earhquake - what would be next? And while the 
ground trembled and buckled under us I held on to Annie 
and Timothy held onto me. "What is it?" Annie asked, dumb- 
founded. She read the full answer in the evening newspapers 
which claimed that this one had been Manila's worst earth- 
quake. We could have well done without it. 

There were reporters and press photographers on the 
pier because like in Kobe we were the first Shanghai 
evacuees. We were news, but the interference by the 
earthquake put us on page four. A picture of mine landed 
in the Manila Herald with the caption that I had been the 
well-known manager of the famous Casanova Ballroom in 
Shanghai. It was good advertisement which led me to a 
job in Manila. With my picture three others appeared on 
the same page. One was of "Cohn Corell", noted German 
accordion player, the same one who had played sad melodies 
on the rickety launch which took us to the Gneisenau. Then 
there was one of Andre Shelaff, Russian welter-weight 

r 

boxer, who was going to win the Philippine cham^onship 
and later went to America, there to be killed in his 



Please » don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 330 - 





first fight. The fourth picture was that of Shelaff's 
trainer anj manager, H. Sellg, whom we once again met 
In California. What happened to hlra after Shelaff's 
untimely death we never learned. 

However, unlike our arrival In Shanghai, there was a 
Jewish Reception Coiiinlttee to greet us and take care of 
us because none of us had any means to pay even for a 
single meal, leave alone lodging. There was one couple, 
though, with plenty of means, but they neither did nor 
could reveal It then. We certainly were received by hlgh- 
falutlng speeches and very klnd-soundlng words and finally 
were taken to Hellmann's Boardlnghouse for temporary 
shelter. Very temporary, Indeed. 




Although - as 1 have repeatedly mentioned - 
this book Is not meant to be a tourist guide In any form, 
way or Intention whatsoever, 1 cannot help myself but quote 
from "The Encyclopedia of World Travel" (published in 1961 
by Doubleday and Company) for the sole purpose of giving 
you a general Idea about Manila. However, like aJ2y tourist 
guide-book it doesn't convey the real atmosphere and way 
of life of any place on the globe. Sometimes, though, it 
Is far better to read a guide-book than participating In 
a guided tour. It Is much less strenuous. Neither one 
leaves you with the right Impressions and you may not 



Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of It I - 331- 



remember where was what and what was which. 

"Manila," so It stands written In this book, "combines 

much of the best of Spain and America." 

at the time / 
That may be so, but/MHI we were there* we would have 



said that it 



combined the worst of Spain and ATJwrica. 



"The wide, green boulevard following the gorgeous curve 
of Manila Bay,'' so it also stands written in this book, 
"once named Admiral Dewey Boulevard, now is known as 
Roxas Boulevard. Manila is located at the west coast of 
Luzon, the major Island of the Philippine chain and faces 
out on Manila Bay, one of the largest harbors in the world. 
Manila Is sprawling on both sides of the Pasig River. Modem 
Manila is a traveler's dream." 

Again I have no choice but to say that it may be so, 
although to us Manila was anything but a dream. Just the 
opposite. It was close to a nightmare for the sixteen 
months we had to live there - if only for the hellish 
tropical climate of which not a word is being mentioned 
In the encyclopedia. There was for us only one day we 
cherished In Manila and that was the day of our departure. 
We have no hard feelings against Manila, but we wouldn't 
like to see it ever again. The Filipino expression of 
greeting is "Mabuhay" - Long Life. From as far a distance 
away as we are now. we do wish Manila and the Philippine 

Islands a happy Mabuhay - a long life without us. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of iti 



- 332 - 



f 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itI 



- 333 - 





^Janlla without a doubt can be called a red-hot mamma. 
With the exception of perhaps Calcutta no climate could be 
worse. She used to be a city walled out Instead of walled 
in. Tourists nowadays are deprived, so we heard, of visit- 
ing the old and most beautiful part of Manila, the walled- 
in center "Intramuras" . It was burned out during the last 
war. Luckily Manila Bay and the gorgeous sunsets with the 
backdrop of B^aan Peninsula were immune to the ravages 
of war. 

The climate In Manila is so humid and unbearably hot 

all year around that one had to change the tropical, white 

cotton suits six times a day together with one's underwear. 

after / 

The very moment/«i having changed Into a dry suit and dry 
underwear one was already drenched again with sweat. Nothing 
is mentioned about that In the tourist guide books and 
nothing about the many churches and the many snakes. Manila 
is like a trombone which never had been tuned right. Crime 
was rampant while we were there. In fact, no one In his 
right ralnd ever dared to walk alone and unarmed In the 
streets after darkness set In. Of course, nowadays It 
is a feature of almost all major cities In the world. 
As kidnaping was a sport in Shanghai, so purse snatching 



was a game for children In Manila. After the first 



kids could run faster than Olympic champions. Once they 
had captured a purse, It was Impossible to catch up with 



un' 




successful attempt by an urchin to wrestle Annie's hand- 



them. 

The guide books don't mention another feature and 
that Is prickly heat. No one, foreigner and native alike, 
ever can escape this most unpleasant skin rash. The natives 
believed - and I think rightly so - that rain water had a 
healing quality for prickly heat. Many a time we saw § 
whole families, naked as they were born, run out Into 
the street when it rained to get all the benefit 

iBBB flliof the unpolluted water. 

Tourists nowadays, I guess, don't have to worry any* 
more about to be hit by a falling coconut on Dewey or, as 
It Is called now, Roxas Boulevard. During the war the Japan' 

ese used the wide, beautiful Dewey Boulevard as an airstrip 

razed / 
and just/BHmB ^^^ ^^^ coconut palm trees which lined 

the curb like Immovable soldiers on guard. While we were 
there, we always were cautious not to be bombed by a fall- 
ing coconut. It could knock you out or at least leave you 
with a painful lump on the head. 

It Is a great pity that the tourist guide books don't 
describe the most beautiful sight In Manila, perhaps one 
of the most beautiful sights In all the world, the dally 
sunset which lasts for ten minutes from six to ten past 



bag from her, she learned to beware all the time. The 



se 



six each afternoon. Within these few minutes day changes 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 334 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 335 • 





into dark night. Generally during these ten minutes a 
refreshingly cool breeze blew and surely still does over 

the boulevard, the only breeze one could expect and of 

hour / 
course still can expect in the twenty- four /period of the 

day. These ten minutes as the sun set over Manila Bay and 

across from It the Bataan Peninsula, which turned Into a 

black silhouette as the sun rays disappeared and the 

moon rose, were forever a thrill and never lost an awed 

><<- of/ 
feeing /wonder about this magnificent spectacle, nature 

produced with unfailing regularity - unless it was rain* 

ing or one of the frequent typhoons was hitting the Island. 

During these ten minutes the sky exhibited all the colors 

and color-shade combinations one could imagine - from deep 

blue to pastel green to purple and violet and red and pink 

and finally Into a spectrum of all these color hues until 

It was dark all of a sudden. Soon little, phosphorus lights 

like fireflies were dancing on the water surface. 




The Jewish Relief Committee had collected 
some twelve thousand pesos (or six thousand American 
dollars) for helping us over the first few days. When 
this small amount of money was spent we were on our own. 
The Idea was that the thirty to forty Jewish couples had to 
go back to Shanghai anyway whenever the hostilities there 
ceased. Somehow contr^y to my inspirations I became a kind 



of ambassador for the Shanghai Jewish refugees. It was 
no official position. I just slid Into It. All communi- 
cations from Shanghai were sent to me, mostly cablegrams, 
all of which clearly Insinuated that we weren't wanted 
back In Shanghai while the Manila Jewish Community did 
not want us to stay for any length of time. We were, so 
to speak, sitting between two chairs without being Invited 
to occupy one. To give an example, one of the Shanghai 
telegrams read: "Strongly discourage evacuees returning 
Shanghai now. Life danger still existent. Earning possl» 
bllitles hopeless. Inform Manila Society Aid funds." 

That was all good and right, but the earning possi- 
bilities In Manila were also almost non-existent. l-Zhat 
do we say? Peace on earth, good will toward men. Paz en 
la tierra, buena voluntad hacla los hombres. Are these 
words In whatever language empty of true meaning? It seems 



so, for men speak with false tongues, or there would be 



no 



wars and so little good will toward men. What Is the matter 
with humanity that It hasn't grown up -to maturity? We always 
destro>fwhat we have built. Why? 

When I was lying once In a Los Angeles hospital many 
years later, there was an old senile man who had forgotten 
all the words of our language but four which he used as the 
only means of communication. "Son-of-a-bltch," he said. "Son- 
of-a-bltch" and nothing else. How pitifully primitive we 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 336 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 337 - 




human beings are when our minds have deteriorated. "Son- 
of-a-bltch" for "Thank you" and for "Please" and for what' 
ever he wanted. And this poor "Son-of-a-bitch" seemed to 
be very happy. He always smiled at anyone who helped him 
or talked to him. 






In Manila our determination to immigrate to 
America jelled to a point where it became a fixed idea. The 
basic question, though. was, how could we achieve it? All we 
knew was that we simply had to.flHHBM^ The United 
States of America appeared to us like a mirage on the 
horizon to which we were drawn like thirsty desert travelers 
to the mirage of an oasis. Our principal fear was whether 
or not we would make it before it was too late. Native 
Americans don't know how difficult it is to immigrate to 
their country. There are many barriers to surmount. I had 
little doubt that one day in the near future the Japanese 
would attack and conquer the Philippine Islands which to 
them would be the central base from where to conquer all 
of East Asia. We had no desire to be caught in this holo= 
caust when it would come to pass. We had had a taste of it 
in Shanghai and that had been sufficient. 

It became an obsession with us that Manila was definitely 
not the place to stay for any length of time. It didn't offer 





probably was our fault that we did not grow as fond of 
the Filipinos as we did of the Chinese. The climate In 
Shanghai had little to be recommended. The climate in 
Manila had nothing to recommend. It was and naturally 
still is absurd all year around. Although we could gener- 
ally get along with our newly acquired English, we were 
handicapped nonetheless by not speaking Spanish, not to 
mention Tagalog, the principal native language. Allegedly 

the Philippines consist of a thousand islands. Whoever 

are/ 
counted them may well be right. There/KBxe certainly 

more dialects than ants in a sugar bowl. To name only 
the few I heard about beside Tagalog, there is the Boco« 
lano, the Cebuano, the Ibang and Moro-Sulu dialects. This 
scramble of dialects came really home to me when I had 
to travel with a Filipino interpreter from Manila to 
Iloilo. 

Despite our unflagging ambition to go to America, we 
did not engage in irrational expectations. We knew that 
the streets in America weren't gold-plated. We knew that 
we wouldn't be welcomed like long lost friends. We knew 
that we would have to work hard there for our livelihood 
and maybe harder. But to us America was the land of the 

free and of the brave where we could stake out a claim 

we/ 
for life. There and only there would/be granted the op- 



us the kind of acceptable refuge like Shanghai. Thus It 



portunlty to rise above ourselves. If we didn't^it would 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 338 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 339 - 






be nobody's fault but our own. 

While we were in Shanghai - and despite our apparent 
chances to prosper there - I had written a letter to Presi- 
dent Roosevelt, appealing to him for aid in our desire to 
be granted immigration visas. A day prior to the Japanese 
Invasion the American Consul General wrote to me: "Your 
letter, addressed to the President of the United States, 
relative to your desire to proceed to the United States 
with your wife for residence has been referred to this 
office for reply. Please, call at the Passport office of 
this Consulate General at your convenience in order that 
appropriate considerations may be given your inquiry." 

I never learned how much cons^<ierations might have 
been given my inquiry, for when I called at the rassport 
Department the war had already broken out. There was, of 
course, much confusion since all Anierican women and children 
had to be evacuated from Shanghai. Notwithstanding, when 
1 presented the letter at this office of the Consulate 

we were treated with the utmost courtesy and instead of 

two alone / 
t temporary vis,-\^we/ were granted ■ permanent onc4 for the 

Philippine Islands which were under the mandate of the 

United States €it that time. That was the first step toward 

our final goal. The second step I took a year later in 

Manila. 



Annie had come through aU c^"-' dangers, 
the vicissitudes and hardships like a real trooper. When 
the bombs fell on Shanghai, when the anti-aircraft bullets 
and artillery shells rained from the sky, she kept at my 
side like a clinging vine. If we had to die, she maintained, 
it was better that we died together and at the same time, 
we belonged to each other in life and in death. That was 
and still is the theme of our married life. 

The typhoon, the earthquake and whatever else happened 
to us, she bore without «■ a whimper, including the loss 
of our home, belongings and careers. It is not in her 
character to wear her emotions on the outside. She had 
the steadfastness and hardiness the pioneer women had 
displayed in their long treks all across the big country 
that was and is America. At no time was she a burden. On 
the contrary, she was an asset, worth her weight in gold. 
Our love for each other has always remained unassailable 
I cannot tell how other people see her. but to me she is 



__^ a man can have the 

the most Wdl'wonaeriui wunutu ,— : 

, rrr^it she is an innocent. She cannot 
fortune to havej AL Ucarc, sue 

tell a lie (although she fibs about her age and probably 
„ai do so until the day she dies), and she feels person^ 
ally insulted by injustice, even if it doesn't concern her 
She has intelligence, she has con^on sense (much more so 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 340 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it: 



- 341 - 





than I because 1 easily fly off the handle and am by 
nature quite impatient), and she has an enviable en- 
durance to accept without complaint the physical ailments 
and handicaps which beset us as age creeps up on us. God 
has been very good to us by bringing us together. Despite 
all hardships our marriage has always been sheer bliss. 

However, during the first years of our exile and 
until we became American citizens I did not realize how 
much she really suffered. Never outwardly losing her even 
temper, she locked her emotions up like valuables in a 
safety deposit box from where she did not let them escape 



unless she willed so. As it was, she never did. 

Not then and not later when more hardship befell us. 



But even a locked box will eventually crack open when 

it is being filled to more than its capacity. If she only 




had let BHf go of her emotions and frustrations once in a 
while by a good cry or an outburst of any kind, she would 
have been better of. She could not and would not open the 
safety valve which any engine needs to function properly. 
I was different. I could show my anger, my frustrations 
and my scorn. I could let go with an explosive temper 
tantram and then felt so much better for it afterwards. 
But not Annie. She remained silent and even-tempered on 
the outside. If she had not bottled up her feelings, she 
would not have ended up with a malignant high blood pressure 



which caused and still causes her much suffering. In fact, 
together with arthritis it finally incapacitates her to 



a great extent 



Today I am not so sure anymore why we did 
not like Manila as much as Shanghai. Perhaps it was our 
dejection for having to start all over again without know- 
ing where to begin. We weren't as green anymore as when we 
came to Shanghai, but we were as poor and we had to fight 
our disappointment that all our efforts and hopes in Shang- 
hai had come to naught. We had fought hard to acclimatize 
ourselves in Shanghai, to work oui^^elves into positions 
which gave us a reasonable outlook on a good future liv- 
ing. We had made new friends there and now we were up= 

rooted again. 

After we had been installed at Hellmann's Boardings 
house for a limited timey the newly formed refugee com- 
mittee seemed to stop functioning. None of its members 
showed any interest in finding work for us. None of them 
ever invited anyone of us into their homes and unlike in 
Shanghai we were not induced into making friends among 
the Jews in Manila. We had a feeling that we were regarded 
beneath their personal attention. 

Although we had gotten used to the ways of the Far 
East. Manila was not Shanghai. She did not have the inter- 



Please, don't worry: Nothing came of it I 






- 342 - 




our eve 





national flavor and adventurous spirit which had made it 
possible for us to rise to positions of some kind of pro- 
minence in a relatively short time. Seemingly, there were 

no or very few jobs available for us in Manila. Again 

had/ 
we were without funds. We/nothing to wear, not counting 

but/ 
ning outf its, /iBBI what we had worn on our flight 

from Shanghai, that was one suit and one dress, one pair 
of §3oes each and some underwear. This posed quite a 
calamity in Manila's all year round tropical, humid heat. 
One had to have at least a change of wearing apparel sever- 
al times a day. Even then one had to order new tropical 
outfits each month since Filipino laundresses ruined them 
by beating the wash against stones. 

The first night in Manila I had another serious talk 
with Timothy, although he was in as foul a mood as I was. 
Bemoaning as usual his fate of having been assigned to me 
of all the people in the world, he also bitterly complained 
that he was sick and tired of traveling all over the world 
under circumstances which certainly were anything but ideal 
By nature he liked to be settled in one place and stay 
there. That had been the way he had lived and that was 
the way he expected me to live. He cared a hoot of earthly 
politics. He cared a hoot about how I felt. That all was 
my business and not his, and he would ask his superior 
for a transfer, although he knew quite well that transfers 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 343 - 



were granted only on rare occasions. He considered this 
a rare case of maltreatment of a guardian angel. I never 
found out about this transfer request, but the fact is 
that he is still with me. 

"I wish you were dead already," he told me that first 
night in Manila. "It's not so bad to be dead," he added 
for comfort. 

"Boy, am 1 lucky that the time of my departure is not 
determined by you," was my rejoinder. 

"You can say that again." He sighed and then con=» 
tinued in as grim a tone of voice as a guardian angel 
could possibly produce, "I'm going to tell you a secret 
although I'm not supposed to. But I'm deeply troubled 
about the length of time I've got to stick it out with 
you. Your first date to die is at your age of sixty-eight. 
I don't know how I ever will be able to stand it for so 



many more years. 



M 



I remained silent for a few minutes. Who, after all, 
wants to know the future? That is the trouble with human 
justice and capital punishment that a condemned person 
is being told at exactly what time he is going to be 
executed. It reverses justice to injustice. 

"1 wish, you hadn't told me." I protested. "Are you 
sure it has to be when I'm sixty-eight years old?" 

"No. There's always a possibility for a reprieve 



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- 344 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 345 - 



for some reason or another. With ray luck they let you 




live to be a hundred." 



"Who wants to live to be a hundred?" 



"You. All human beings want to live to be a hundred." 

"How old were you when you died?" 

"Not a hundred, so much I can tell you. Otherwise 
mind you own business, please." 

After another few minutes of thinking I decided to 
appease him. "We won't stay here for very long, I hope." 

"More traveling?" he groaned. 

"One of these days we'll be going to America." 

"I wonder how you'll manage that?" 




II T I 



I 11 find a way, don't worry. Once we are in America, 
we'll be staying there until the end of my life." 

"Hallelujah!" he exclaimed. "At least, America is 
supposed to be a civilized country." 

"So was Shanghai and so is Manila," I remarked. 

"Maybe, but I don't like it here." 



llTT^ I 



We ve been here for less than twenty- four hours and 
you dare to judge that you don't like it." 

"Neither do you like it," he accused me. 



n 



That doesn't matter. We'll do our best here and then 




go to America." 

"And you'll stay there in one place?" 



Timothy was and is a professional groaner. "Yes, I 
can see it. America is big, and you can travel there for 
years without seeing it all. You're the kind of bum never 
to settle down in one place." 



"Maybe one of these days I'll surprise you and stay 



put . 



II 



"That will be the day," he kind of sneered. "When 



will you go to America?" 

"In a year or two, I guess. It all takes time. 



M 



"A year or two," he groaned again. "Even guardian 
angels can melt away, and this heat is certainly inducive 
to melting." 

"What's the matter with you? Don't start acting 
like a living being." 

"What do you think I am? Dead? Nobody ever dies. The 
body dies, but not the spirit. And the spirit has some 
feelings, too," 

"Sure - like getting seasick or melting away in the 
heat. Is that it?" 

"I hope, you'll be a guardian angel one of these days 
We don't enjoy all the privileges other angels do. We're 
on probation and that can last a very long time. Hundreds 
and hundreds of years. Promotions aren't easy to come by 
these days. If it weren't for the population explosion in 



"Who can tell?" 



hell, I never would have made it to heaven. I was a border 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 3;6 - 



Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of iti 



- 347 - 





case. Sorry - but that's the truth." 

I yawned to show him that I wasn't Interested in his 
troubles. I had enough of my own. But he didn't care. He 
was bent on telling me what was going on in heaven and hell 

"The descending order of angels is very strict," he 
continued. "The highest order are the Seraphim§ , the only 
angels with six wings. Very few ever get so far and then 
only after many thousands of years. I haven't got the 
slightest chance, that's for sure. The Seraphlms together 
with the Cherub ims attend to God personally." 

"How does God look?" 

"How am I supposed to know? God, we're taught, is a 
spirit and He is everything, but not what you and I think. 
Forget about that long beard and all that rigmarole. Men 
are too presumptious to imagine God look^like they do. 
Anyway, one class lower than the Seraphims and Churubims 
are the arch-angels who are the administrators. They're 
the bosses over all the lower class angels." 

"You must be kidding," I said, although I wished he 
would stop already. I was getting very tired. 



?•• 



"Why? 



"I thought, there are no classes in heaven. 



t» 




"What's the matter with you?" he told me off angrily 
"Do you think we're Communists up there?" 

He had me on this point. Yet, I had a hard time to 



"Next to the arch-angels are the regular angels. They 
are divided in three classes. The angels first class take 
care of all the clerical chores. The angels second class 
are the keepers of the souls on earthly loan and some of 
them are members of the Heavenly Choir. The angels third 
class are our group supervisors. We guardian angels take 
our orders and assignments from them and report to them 



every once so often." 

I was about to doze off. 

"You haven't heard a word I said," he reproached me. 

"I've heard every precious word of yours, but all I'm 
interested in that you do your duty and protect Annie and 



me . 



II 



"Before you fall asleep, you better listen about 
what I can do and can't do for you, so that at last we 
understand each other. 1 can't protect you from getting 
sick or sometimes have an accident. All I'm charged with 
is to keep you alive until your day comes. It's all in the 
books. You see, being a guardian angel isn't exactly a bed 
of roses, but it's still better than being in hell." 

"And that's where I hope you'll go if you ever fall 
Annie and me." 

"Protecting your wife is a personal favor and not part 
of my duty." 

"It better be, or you can go to hell right now," I 



suppress a yawn 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of ttl 



- 348 - 




warned him. "Besides, stop gabbing, please. 1 want to go 
to sleep." 

He was deeply offended. "If I had already been awarded 



a pair of wings and a halo, you wouldn't dare to talk to 



me 



like this," he complained. "All right, go to sleep. I hope, 
you'll have a very bad dream." 

That ended our conversation. I don't remember, though, 
whether or not I had a bad dream. I don't think so because 
whenever I ' ve a nightmare I moan and groan audibly and 
Annie mercifully wakes me up. She didn't that night. 




It is my opinion that each human being has 
a built-in radar system, tuned to the rest of the world. 
R^retfully, only few of us ever listen to it. I've con- 
ditioned/myself to keep tuned in at all times, and I be- 
lieve that I've greatly benefited by it. 

The first morning in Manila after breakfast I had a 
talk with Annie. There was little doubt in my mind that 
my radar system was sending me a warning, and I was de- 
termined to heed it. It told me that Manila could be a 



trap for us and that we should leave before it was t 



oo 




late. Of course, I couldn't tell when it was "too late". 
Listening some more, I came/to the conclusion that we had 
at most two years. I was proved right and wrong. We would 
have had almost four years, if we had waited so long. Four 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 349 - 



# 



• 



• 



years after we came to the Philippine Islands the Japanese 

attacked and conquered them. 

Annie had learned to trust my premonitions, but others, 

with whom 1 dcscussed the same problem, thought I was un* 

duly alarmed. The Japanese wouldn't dare to attack the 

Philippine Islands because they wouldn't be so stupid as 

to challenge the mighty United States. It was the same all 

over again. When I warned the Jews in Germany that Hitler 

would come to power, they didn't believe me. So they stayed 

in Germany and paid with their lives, and so they stayed 

in Manila and got either killed in the holocaust or let 

themselves be incarcerated at the University of Santo 

Tomas where they existed under the most inhuman conditions. 

Anyway, I told Annie what I thought would happen. She 

accepted my judginent about the political situation, but 

when I told her that we had to start planning immediately 

how to get out of Manila and emigrate to the United States, 

she quite logically asked me: "How and with what?" 

know/ 
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don' t/how and with what," 

I told her. "All I know is that we've got to get out of 
here somehow and with what will solve itself. It always 
does. When the need for financing comes, God will stand by." 
Annie's faith in God was and still is monumental. None™ 
theless, she had the common sense never to lose sight of 
the practical part of a problem. She tried to act as a 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 350 - 




Imaj^lnatlon / 
brake to my/fmMBHHR^hlch 6ften ran wild. Yet, If I 

had always let her common sense persuade me, we wouldn't 

have survived as we did. At time common sense can be a 





trap. 

"We won't get anywhere without God's help," she con- 
ceded, "but I don't see what we can do to deserve His help. 
Whom do we know in America and how Qan we finance getting 
there?" 

"That's exactly the point," I agreed. "We'll have to 
think until we've a plan to act upon." 

"In the meantime," she reminded me, "we've got to 
find jobs." 

She was right, of course. It was our first order of 
business. That very same morning I visited the editorial 
office of the Manila Herald, the paper which had featured 
my picture. It paid off. Some one there told me that the 

Great Eastern Hotel had an opening for a foreign manager. 

that / 
Well, I advised them, that/was my cup of tea. With my ex» 

perience it should be a cinch to land the job. Experience? 

I could have written a book about what I did not know in 

regard to hotel management. But neither had I known any* 

thing about managing a ballroom and nightclub in Shanghai. 

The Great Eastern Hotel was the second largest hotel 

in Manila. It was nine stories high and claimed to be the 

tallest building in town. It seemed so anyway. Like the 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of itl 



- 351 - 



• 



Casanova in Shanghai it was Chinese-owned. Well, I pre- 
sented my credentials which included a letter of recommen- 
dation by Mr. M. , our agent friend in Shanghai. The long 
and short of it was that I was engaged as manager of the 
hotel diningroom, ballroom and roofgarden. In fact, I had 
to sign a contract which was as contradictory in its con- 
tents as the hallelujah promisesbf a politician running 
for office. According to this contract I had full authority 
in the way I would manage the part of the hotel, assigned 
to me, but at the same time I wasn't allowed to make any 
decision without first obtaining the okay of the general 
manager who was the Number-One Son of the white-bearded, 
eighty year old patriarch of the family owned enterprises. 
In an old-fashioned Chinese family the children obeyed 
their fatherf without an argument. The old man was a miser- 
able dictator and everybody lived in fear of him,' 
ilA I have a special prejudice against all dictators, small 
or big, as well as for bosses who underpay their help. My 
salary was nothing to boast about, but I was in no position 
to bargain, for any salary was better than none. 

The Great Eastern Hotel was one of a chain of companies, 
owned and operated by Ng Tip & Sons. From way back the fami- 
ly were importers and distributors of groceries and pro- 
visions. Beside The Great Eastern Hotel they operated a 

bakery, a grocery store, an| import and export firm as well 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 352 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 353 - 






a&the New Washington Hotel and Restaurant In Bagulo/ (liter- 
ally translated: Typhoon), a mountain resort some two 

hours distant from Manila. It has a pleasant, cool climate. 
A head-huntlnR trlbc^ / 
/the Igorots (Mountain Dwellers) , live in these hills and 

while we were in Manila they allegedly attacked a bus 
and all its passengers including the driver were found 
minus their heads. After the war we heard that the Igorots 
had the time of their lives during the Japanese occupation. 
Some underground organization paid them a price for each 
Japanese head they delivered and apparently they delivered 
a great number of them. In fact, they never had it so good 
before or after the war. Head-hunting has gone out of fashion 
in the PJilippines. 

All the Ng Tip & Sons estalp^ishments were geared to 
thin^i American. When the American East-Asia Fleet harbored 
in Manila for four months each year, the Great Eastern 
Hotel served the sailors huge T-bone steaks with a heap 
of French fried potatoes for two pesos or one American 
dollar. I never managed to eat one in one sitting, but 
some of the sailors consumed two or even three at one meal. 
The meat was of first-class quality and if there was a bar- 
gain, this was it. 

I had to work from eleven- thirty in the morning until 
the diningroom was closed after midnight. Occasionally I 
could go home for a couple of hours in the afternoon. It 



was a job which gave me face but not enough dough/to live 
on for the two of us. 

Of course, in the meantime Annie also had gone Job- 
hunting. A week later she got herself hired into the "Tro- 
cadero", a small nightclub reputed to be very exclusive. 
It was owned and operated by a former Australian actress. 
By some fortunate happenstance an already advertised, 
so-called Viennese female dancer had failed to arrive 
in Manila and Annie was engaged as her substitute. She 
was advertised as "Anna from Vienna", well-known as the 
nightingale of "The Blue Danube" in Shanghai. Singing 
as before in three languages she was an instant success. 
Luckily for her no patron from Vienna ever showed up. 
If that would have happened, Annie would have been in 
trouble. She had never been in Vienna. Natives of Vienna 
are a unique brand of people who never cease to believe 
that their city is not only the artistic and culinary 
center of Europe, but of the world. It is true, in gener- 
al Viennese are very charming, but they shouldn't feel 

sorry for anyone who hasn't been bom there. Annie as 

^^ 

"Anna from Vienna" was ska,ing on thin ice which fortunate- 
ly held firm. Not once was she unmasked as a fake Viennese, 
After all, being at least as charming as any Viennese girl 
could be, she was above suspicion. Besides, any girl from 
the river Rhine (as Annie was) is as gay, as vivacious and 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 354 - 






as attractive as girls from the Blue Danube. 

The days prior to her first appearance she was an- 
nounced In large newspaper ads: 

"COME AND HEAR THE HEW ARTIST 
ANNA FROM VIENNA 
AT THE TROCADERO. 
Cabaret starts at 11 p.m." 
We had been smart to have packed into our two suit= 
cases almost exclusively our evening outfits, but work= 
ing again we had constantly to replenish them and that 
included custom jewelry for Annie. We had to buy daily 
wearing apparel month by month. The price of a tailored 
tropical suit was ten pesos or five American dollars. 
Nothing could survive long in the tropical climate. Both 
our salaries combined just allowed us to exist, but no 
more. At that we had to budget ourselves and any luxuries 
were out. 

We moved away from Hellmann's Boardinghouse after a 
week's stay. The Jewish Refuggee Committee ran out of money 
and disintegrated quickly. We rented a room with a Filipino 
family in a nice street of the residential district, not 
far from Dewey Boulevard. Like many houses in Manila it 
had no glass windows and no air conditioning. In case it 
rained (and it could rain harder in Manila than anywhere 
else) there were wooden shutters we could close, but didn't 



iis 



Please, don*t worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 355 - 




do much good during a typhoon. One couldn't close the 
shutters during rainless days or nights if one didn't 
want to suffocate or sweat to death. Thus open to the 
outside myriads of bugs, bats, vampires had free entrance 
when we turned the light on in the evening. 

It happened a few weeks after we had moved into our 
room on the second floor above the house entrance, fac= 
ing the peaceful, residential street. I had come home 
at about one o'clock in the morning. Our pet gecko 
(scientifically known under the name: Gecco Fascicularts) , 
a small lizzard, who very happily lived with us and con* 
suraed as many small insects as he could digest, had wel- 
corned me joyfully by smacking his tongue in a way that 
9 sounded like "geek, gecl, geek" and running back and 
forth on the ceiling, all^excited, for he had adopted 
Annie and me as his personal friends. We liked him, too. 
Anyone who consumed insects was very welcome to us. I 
felt weary and exhausted after twelve hours of work. Com- 
ing out of the cool, air-conditioned diningroom of the 
Great Eastern Hotel the humid night heat had hit me like 
a sledge-hammer blow on the head. As usual and since it 
wasn't raining the so-called window in our room was open. 
There wasn't a whiff of a breeze. I undressed to the al- 
together, pushed all my clothing into the laundry back 
and wished there was a cold shower available. Instead I 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 356 - 






had to be satisfied with tepid water from the wash basin 
faucet. I had emptied my pockets and put my gold wrist 
watch, a present from my brother-in-law in Sweden after 
our arrival in Manila, and my wallet with some twenty 
dollars and whatever loose cash I had on the table in 
front of the open window. The rent for the room was cheap, 
but so were the few pieces of furniture, a double bed in 
the center of the room, a dresser and stool for Annie, 
two chairs and the table - that was all. A wardrobe for 
our use was outside in the hall. Naked as I was, I crept 
under the mosquito net which made the humid heat even 
more unpleasant. It's unbelievable how much a body can 
perspire. The sweat soaked through the mattress and each 
morning there was a puddle of water under the bed. It 
sounds exaggerated, but you better believe it. Annie 
came home around three. I heard the taxi stop in front 
of the house. 

"I'm pooped," was all she said when she came in. I 
grunted in response and that was the entire conversation 
we had. Anything more was too strenuous for us. She follow 
ed my example and stripped. No nightgown, no pajama. If we 
could have done so, we also would have shed our skin. The 
gecko had welcomed her in the same joyful manner, but 
quieted down after Annie had slipped under the mosquito 
net. We fell into an exhausted sleep. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it I 



- 357 - 




I had a bad dream. Some intruder had climbed into our 
window and was stealing my wallet and watch. Some dream, 
indeedl If it hadn't been for the gecko, gabbing excitedly, 
I might not even have waked up. But there he was, a shadowy 

i 

figure crouching in the fram/'of the open window - the cat 
burglar of my dream. I jumped up, got entangled in the 
godforsaken mosquito net and before I reached the window 
the burglar was gone. I just could see him jumping to the 
ground down below and start running. I grabbed a heavy 
metal ashtray and threw it after him, missing him of 
course. Gone was my gold watch and wallet. 

"What's the matter?" Annie asked from the bed. 

I told her and she groaned. She might as well because 
she had a fool for a husband who deposited all he owned 
on a table in front of an open window just for the tak- 
ing. The newspapers reported cat burglaries every day. 
So - I should have known better. Funny, one always learns 
only when it is too late, or as the Germans say: "Wenn 
das Kind in den Brunnen gef alien ist." kf-tex the child 
fell into the well. We both put on robes, alarmed the 
house, called the police. They promised to send a man 
without delay which meant after two hours. And then he 
could do nothing, but tell me to come to police head- 
quarters in the morning and sign a complaint. No use to 
look for fingerprints. Cat burglars always wore gloves. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 358 - 






The next night a cat burglar ransacked the house of the 
police cotnml^loner. Neither he nor I got any of the stolen 
goods back. Cat burglary was much in vogue in Manila. 

Of course, Annie and I didn't get to see much of each 
other. The situation was very similar to the one in Shang- 
hai. If we had not fully trusted in our mutual fai^ful" 
ness and loyalty, we might easily have drifted apart. But 
neither she nor I had any grounds for jealousy despite 
the temptations to which we were exposed in our profession** 
al lives. Annie in particular had a hard time to keep the 
wplves at bay. 

In Manila she had to cope with one man who seriously 
and persistently proposed marriage to her several times 
a week. He could not be dissuaded. Known to be very wealthy, 
he promised Annie heaven on earth. She would live like a 
queen if she only had the good sense to accept him. When 
she as persistently rejected him and finally let him know 
that she was happily married, he wasn't deterred either. 
He offered to pay me off with any amount of money I would 
demand. We weren't even tempted. We had no reason for a 
divorce, and we didn't believe in divorces anyway. We two 
belonged together. Nothing could shake this conviction. 
We really stood the test, more so than most other couples. 
And in regard to living like a queen - the rich man, his 
girlfriend and servants were killed in the war by an aerial 
bomb which hit his mansion dead-center. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 359 - 






My advice, for all it is worth, is: Don't 
rely too mucljon what travel guide books will tell you. I 
read in one that the best time to visit the Philippines 
is in the cool season from November to February. While 
we were there, we didn't experience any cool season. All 
of the Philippine Islands with a few exception^ like Baguio 
are a vast, miserable, unwelcome steambath from January 
to December. Both of us have always been allergic to steam- 
baths and have never entered one voluntarily. Yet, there 
is a rainy season and a typhoon season between July and 
October in the islands. When it rains, it pours, and when 
the typhoons hit, they do so with terrifying force. Neither 
rain nor typhoon relieve the humidity. If at all possible, 
they increase it. 

We two, as much as we tried, were unable to acclimatize 
To make matters worse for Annie, she lived in constant fear 
of snakes. There is quite a variety of these reptiles even 
in Manila. Most of them ar^on-poisonous, although to meet 
a fat and large python snake - as we did once in front of 
the General Pos toff ice, a marvelous building, endowed with 
Dorian columns - is not entirely a pleasant experience un- 
less one happens to be a herpetologist. Annie, otherwise 
not given to phobias, has a particular one for snakes. I 
can't even talk to her about snakes before going to bed. 



Please, don't worry! Nothing come of it! 



- 360 - 






or she'll have snake nightmares. She won't look at snakes 
in zoos and if she had been Eve in the Garden of Eden, the 
snake would ndver have persuaded her to cat the fruit from 
the forbiddden Tree of Knowledge. Who knows how different 
the legendary history of mankind would have developed if 
Eve had been as Tfiuch afraid of snakes as Annie. We might 
still live in paradise. 

We heard so many snake stories, whether true or false 
we never could ascertain, that it became Annie's undoing 
one evening. The American Red Cross on a specially charter' 
ed ship had managed to get all the baggage, we evacuees 
had to leave behind, out of Shanghai. None of us had 
thought we would see any of our belongings again. There 
was no charge for this extra-ordinary service. We had 
placed our large, metal steamer trunk with our winter* 
wear, including Annie's fur coat, at the foot end of the 
bed in the center of our room. 

As on all evenings Annie made up her face before 

leaving for work at the Tr^cadero (or "The Little Club", 

as it had been re-named). She was sitting on the stool in 

front of the dresser, wearing nothing but her panties and 

light. / 
bra. Attracted by the electric/ bats and vampires were 

circling with flapping wings just below the ceiling, JHf 

All sorts of weird insects had in- 



vaded the room as they did each evening, unless it was 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 361 - 






raining and we had to close the shutters. Our pet, the 
gecko, chattered and fed on the smaller insects. None of 
it disturbed Annie, having gotten used to it, until she 
felt something slimy slither across her naked feet. That 
did it! Her brain became paralyzed. Without any other thought 
she jumped up and ran toward the door. She didn't get far. 
She was dumb and blind. A snake was a snake was a snake. 
She ran smack into our steamer trunk, which had arrived 
the day before, and fell over it head on. When she came 
to, her face was bleeding and her upper lip was split. 
Her mouth was swollen to a size, of which even an ape 
would have been ashamed. The worst of it was that there 

hadn't been a snake, only some kind of creeping insect 

missed/ 
with innumerable, spidery feet. Naturally, she/flMBBMBII 

9 go^ to work. Unable to move her lips, she couldn t make 
herself understood. It was useless to go downstairs to 
the telephone and call me at the hotel. For a few days 
she communicated with me by writing everything down. In 
fact, she had left a note on the table, illogically tell- 
ing me :: "Manila, I hate it." 

When I came home after midnight, she was lying on the 
bed under the mosquito net with a wet towel over her lower 
part of the face. When she removed it to show me the damage, 
I almost laughed. She looked grotesque. I had never seen 
anything like it. If I had been around, she wouldn't have 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of ttl 



- 362 - 






blindly as / 
panicked as/she had. Alone, she couldn't be trusted. Snakes 

were too much for her, even if there were no snakes. The 

was to / 
idea sufficed. All we could doysee a doctor flA in the 

morning. He prescribed a coal-black ointment which made 

her look more ferocious and didn't do any good. Finally, 

I remembered that my mother, who believed more in home 

' remedies than prescription medication, had always used 

camomile tea for healing wounds. I bought some, boiled 

it, folded the thick, hot brew into a handkerchief, so 

that the juice soaked through, and put it over Annie's 

mouth. We repeated this procedure every hour by the hour 

for a day and a night and the swelling receded. Vithin 

twenty-four hours she looked almost normal again. A 

remaining scar gradually disappeared. Yet, she couldn't 

go back to work for a week until her mouth was flexible 

enough to enable her to sing again. She almost lost her 

job on account of it. Her lady boss was a very impatient 

person who had no compassion whatsoever for any employee 

who managed to injure herself. Of course, /^nnie didn't 

get paid for that week, a loss we hardly could afford. 

To this day Annie hasn't lost her fear of snakes. 

We're living in a mountain area and have some snakes 

around. Now and then also a fat rattle snake. But since 

we two don't separate anymore, she feels secure. She can't 

imagine that any snake would harm her as long as I'm around 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it I 



- 363 - 



It may sound funny, but that's the way she is. 






I hate to admit it, but the longer we 
stayed in Manila the less we liked it. Even now it's 
hard to explain why that was so except for the devastate 
Ing climate. Somehow we were more conscious of being home" 
less exiles than we had been in Shanghai. We didn't succeed 
in making friends although like anywhere in the world there 
were a lot of kindly people. After the stimulating city 
of Shanghai, Manila was a let-down. 

The deepest trouble was that we were in a bind and 
felt it more so than in Shanghai. Unlike other foreigners 
we couldn't just pack up and go home if we were dissatisfied 
with our jobs, our work or the way of life. We had no home 
to which we could return. This idea more than anything else 
plagued us, consciously and subconsciously. We were pain" 
fully aware of our status of exiles. If we lost our jobs 
and didn't succeed in finding new ones, we could starve 
to death without anybody give a damn about it. If a natural 
or man-made catastrophe fell on the city or the country, M 
where could we go? What other country would accept us? We 
had no valid passports anymore. The uneasy feeling, that 
we were at the mercy of events we couldn't meet head-on, 
never left us. We had been lucky to have been evacuated 
from Shanghai, but would we be as fortunate a second time 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 362 - 






blindly as / 
panicked as /she had. Alone, she couldn't be trusted. Snakes 

were too much for her, even if there were no snakes. The 

was to / 
Idea sufficed. All we could do /see a doctor flA in the 

morning. He prescribed a coal-black ointment which made 

her look more ferocious and didn't do any good. Finally, 

I remembered that my mother, who believed more In home 

' remedies than prescription medication, had always used 

camomile tea for healing wounds. I bought some, boiled 

It, folded the thick, hot brew Into a handkerchief, so 

that the juice soaked through, and put it over Annie's 

mouth. We repeated this procedure every hour by the hour 

for a day and a night and the swelling receded. Within 

twenty- four hours she looked almost normal again. A 

remaining scar gradually disappeared. Yet, she couldn't 

go back to work for a week until her mouth was flexible 

enough to enable her to sing again. She almost lost her 

job on account of it. Her lady boss was a very Impatient 

person who had no compassion whatsoever for any employee 

who managed to Injure herself. Of course, Atinie didn't 

get paid for that week, a loss we hardly could afford. 

To this day Annie hasn't lost her fear of snakes. 

We're living In a mountain area and have some snakes 

around. Now and then also a fat rattle snake. But since 

we two don't separate anymore, she feels secure. She can't 

imagine that any snake would harm her as long as I'm around. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 363 - 



It may sound funny, but that's the way she Is. 






I hate to admit it, but the longer we 
stayed in Manila the less we liked it. Even now it's 
hard to explain why that was so except for the devastat* 
Ing climate. Somehow we were more conscious of being home- 
less exiles than we had been in Shanghai. We didn't succeed 
In making friends although like anywhere in the world there 
were a lot of kindly people. After the stimulating city 
of Shanghai, Manila was a let-down. 

The deepest trouble was that we were In a bind and 
felt it more so than in Shanghai. Unlike other foreigners 
we couldn't just pack up and go home if we were dissatisfied 
with our jobs, our work or the way of life. We had no home 
to which we could return. This idea more than anything else 
plagued us, consciously and subconsciously. We were pain* 
fully aware of our status of exiles. If we lost our jobs 
and didn't succeed In finding new ones, we could starve 
to death without anybody give a damn about It. If a natural 
or man-made catastrophe fell on the city or the country, M 
where could we go? What other country would accept us? We 
had no valid passports anymore. The uneasy feeling, that 
we were at the mercy of events we couldn't meet head-on, 
never left us. We had been lucky to have been evacuated 
from Shanghai, but would we be as fortunate a second time 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 364 - 






in case the Japanese would attack and Invade Manila and 
the Philippines as I was convinced they would sooner or 
later. The Insecurity of our existence as persons with- 
out a country grew harder and harder to take. All which 
sustained us was our never falling faith In God. He had 
not let us down once. That, Indeed, Is the real truth In 
life: Faith. Although we don't have any personal quarrel 
with organized religions (philosophically we're Inclined 
against them), we don't believe that we could have found 
true faith In temples, churches or synagogues where wor=* 
ship Is substituted for faith which cannot be conjured up 
by dogmas and rituals. Faith should not be entombed in 
man-made buildings and cannot be anchored in the worship 
of God on Sundays and a few religious holidays. Worship, 
Indeed, creates the assumption that God is an arrogant 
dictator. Faith is strength which flows from God to you 
and from you to God without interference by a so-called 
clergy. Faith is our private shrine of happiness without 
which one would vegetate in misery. 

If nowadays we hear young people complain about their 
Insecurity, we only can wonder. They have a land, a nation, 
to which they belong. They are protected by the laws of 
their land and also, of course, punished by these laws if 
they break them. They don't know what insecurity means. As 

stateless exiles we had no protection. We were outsiders. 



"^tKttSBSS' 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 365 - 






We did not belong and were totally on our own. No social 
security. No unemployment insurance. No welfare. We had 
no status as human beings. We could not afford to become 
undesirables in any way or form because we could be de- 
ported for the slightest reason. Deported to where? To 
Nazi-Germany? To 00 death in gas chambers? 

Our desire to immigrate to America seemed like a pipe 
dream, like wishful thinking without a shred of reality. 
We had to bug an immigration quota system which as far 
as Nazi-Germany was concerned had been over-subscribed - 
or so we thought. Besides, who was waiting for us over 
there? No one. We were like little puffs of cumulous 
clouds, dissolvable at any time. We had no civic rights 
or duties. Being an exile is basically being non-existent. 

We wonder nowadays how some of the young people, who have 

voluntarily / 
exiled themselves/jHBBBi^ from this wonderful country 

might feel in moments of loneliness, homesickness and 
depression? Being an exile is not a way of living. 

Our life in exile created a trauma which never fully 
left us. It won't vanish from our souls until the day we 
die. We never believed in security again and do not so now, 
not even In these United States which we have learned to 
love dearly (Sorry, Mr. K. , wherever you are). Never be- 
fore, not even in pre-Nazt- Germany, have we felt so much 
at home as we do In this MMBf country. We have settled 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 366 - 




down, really settled down, but deep 
still a tiny fear that it cannot last. 



inside us is 




It seemed strange that during our time in Shanghai 
we never thought about the opportunity we had had to 
emigrate to Palestine. After much souli searching I had 
rejected the idea. When we felt so unhappy in Manila, I 
had moments of regrets not to have accepted the invitation 
by a friend to join him what was then Palestine. Perhaps 
the true reason had been that I could not bury my dream 
to become an American citizen, a dream I had harbored 
ever since I had survived the first world war. 

Today Israel, the one and only true democratic nation 
in the Mid-East, is a hope and a promise, a bulwark against 
the crippling influence and advance of destructive Co7»imu« 
nism. If these United States, the greatest democracy in 
history, the most powerful nation in the world, fails 
little Israel, we may as well surrender to Communist 
world domination. 




As Manila was not Shanghai, so was the 
Great Eastern Hotel not the Casanova. I was in trouble 
from the start till the end, and the job did not last 
longer than three months and two days. According to my 
contract I was the manager of the diningroom, the ball" 

room and the roof garden. I was nothing of the sort as it 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 367 - 





turned out. I was expected to be a puppet and function 
the way / 
/iP the general manager (the number- one -son) pulled the 

strings. I was not and am not the kind of person who can 
be manipulated. None of my^suggestions were approved and 
others, which I instituted without asking, were canceled. 
All I had to do was acting as if I did supervise every- 
thing and apologize if a customer was dissatisfied. I was 
a kind of trouble-shooter. As far as banquets were con* 
cemed (and there were quite a number of them, the most 
memorable was one given by President Quezon) I was ex" 
pected to see that the tables were correctly set and 
decorated and then stand by to direct the smooth flow 
of food. However, there was one so-called duty I was 
not prepared for. I had to okay the daily menus which 
actually was nothing but a formality. What I didn't know 
about ipenus is not worth mentioning. Never in my life had 
I cooked a meal or read a cookbook. It was quite a let- 
down after my position at the Casanova where Wong had 
given me free reign. 

Old man Ng Tip was a yellow peril - at least to me. 
He was the kind who didn't brook any opposition. A stranger 
and a foreigner to boot had no standing with him at all. He 
just suffered me because the hotel, catering to foreign 
patrons, had to have at least one foreign manager for show. 
Well, the old panjandrum never spoke a single word to me 
although he took his lunch in the diningroom each day. His 



Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came of it ! 



- 368 - 






rheumatic, slanted eyes looked at me with conspicuous 
suspicion. Like Ottokar, the kindly peasant in the 
Manchurian mail train, he also had a scraggly, white 
beard and a leathery, wrinkled face. Only Ng Tip didn't 
smile, ever. Not even at the Chinese waiter who regularly 
served him. The old man had the habit of never consulting 
the menu, but ordering the special lunch of the day with- 
out knowing what it was to be. That, indeed, turned out 
to be my downfall. Quite innocently I caused that over- 
aged time-bomb to explode, and I was the only victim. 

In fact, there were three unfortunate incidents 
which finally resulted in my losing the job. The first 
one was when one day I fired a waiter because he had been 
repeatedly obnoxious to customers. Well, I had no right 
to fire anyone without consulting first the general man* 
ager, but I was sick and tired of consulting. I was never 
good at taking orders and had always been anxious to keep 
my personal independence inviolate. 

All right, I had fired that damned waiter, telling 
him not to show his face again. He came back the next 
day with a big grin all over his idiotic face, re- installed 
to full duties. I in turn was reprimanded. All the Chinese 
employees were related to the Ng Tip family and that par- 
ticular waiter was a nephew of the big boss. If ever looks 



could kill, I would have been dead the very moment the old 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of iti - 369 - 



• 



man entered the dlningroom for lunch. 

The second time I got myself into real trouble 
was on Christmas Eve. We had advertised in all news- 
papers a special dinner and floor show. A large artificial 
Christmas tree and other make-believe decorations enhanced 
the diningroom and roofgarden. In the ads we had invited 
families to come with their children for this occasion. 
And by golly they came. The diningroom and roofgarden 
were crowded for hours. Naturally, I was very busy to 
run the whole spectacle. I vaguely remembered after- 
wards that one of the waiters had accosted me with the 



information that a party of "foreign devils" had c 



om* 



plained about a Filipino mother who at the next table 
was breast-feeding her baby. This, indeed, offended the 
"foreign devils'" appetite as the waiter expressed it. I 
had seen it myself, but had thought nothing of it. Breast- 
feeding in public was a common sight in the Far East, 
and I couldn't imagine why such a natural act should be 
offensive. This particular family looked nice and neatly 
dressed and I saw no objection for the mother to breast- 
feed her baby. But the complaint was repeated and I had 

>ut / 
no choice/to interfere in one way or the other. Stupidly, 

I believed it would be more appropriate for roe to stay 
out of it, being a foreigner myself. So I sent the waiter 
captain to tell the mother in as polite a manner as possible 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It! 



- 370 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of ttl 



- 371 - 






that we had a complaint about breast-feeding her baby 
in the diningroom and that we had a beautifully and 
comfortably furnished lounge adjacent to the ladies' 
room where she could fee^ her baby. I honestly thought 
that the Incident had been solved in this manner to the 
satisfaction of both parties. It was not by any means. 
Shortly afterward the father of the family stopped me 
and bitterly complained about the unkind treatment his 
poor wife and bab^ had received. I tried to explain and 
apologize, but to no avail. The man didn't want to be 
pacified. In fact he and his family left in a huff 
without even having finished their meal. 

Two days later the general manner handed to me a 
letter, addressed to the floor manager of the dintferoom. 
Despite the fact that supposedly I was;dhis floor manager 
the number-one-son-of-a-gun had opened and read the letter. 
Imitating his father, he disdained any comment. By giving 
me the silent treatment he obviously conveyed to me that 
I had acted very stupidly. He was right at that. 

Over all these years I have kept this letter as a 
reminder how thoughtless even a well-meaning person can 
act sometimes. It so clearly showed the gap between We«^t 
and East. Regrettably, the letter had no return address and 
was signed: John Doe. 

Perhaps it might be educational - although its li 
very questionable whether or not you like to be educated - 
if I let yo^read this letter in full, copying it exactly. 



The Floor Manager 
Great Eastern Hotel, 
Manila, P.I. 

Dear Sir: 

Before leaving our home last night with my family 
to go to places to find what Christmas joy that the small 
children could have more than my humble home could offer, 
we were in full Christmas spirit. Every place we passed 
I saw smiling faces and admiration of people at children 
and mothers. 

We never had the intention of going to your place 
believing that is is high and expensive for us. But this 
outing for children is just once a year and that we saw 
outside there was glittering light demonstrating full 
Christmas splendor and we thought that it would be heaven 
to see the place. We presumed there in your place there 
might be seen more infants that may be adding glory to 
the place if that night was really intended for the spirit 
of Christmas by your place. From the ground floor up - up- 
up to our surprise ■ we reached the top of town. The 
light we saw from outside gave us the atmosphere of wel- 
come and everything was perfect until we finished and 
enjoyed the courteous services of the waiter who was 
gracious and kind to the small children especially. Short" 
ly after a while when I was in the Gentlemen's room, I 
was called by a waiter and before I could reach our 
table the poor mother filled with surprise and disappoint- 
ment was already starting for the door and explained that 
you have certain disapproval. 

Why in the course of our meal the infant child was 
breasting and now and then eating with us you have not 
called my attention. I saw you at a distance walking isles 
and I suppose you have not missed to see my group, and 
having seen it you could not afford to miss who was the 
head of the group it being with a father and a mother. 
It would have been proper if you had given me a timely 
information of your objection of breasting the infant. 
You told me when I approached you that it would have been 
proper to breast the child in the ladies room (toilet). 

How could I believe as you told me that you have had 
complaints of certain precedents if there is ever any in 
your place? I have quite seen your views in the matter 
which I had appreciated and yet I went home with a dis- 
appointed mother when I informed her how her infant should 
be fed (inside the toilet) and her surprised querry was, 



■ i iHW u Wi |rf 4 < -/gM 



liilii 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of It I 



- 372 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of It I 



- 373 - 



Why? I told her of course, that I am sorry but It is the 
policy perhaps of the manager which I have never known 
before in my life. Only with the spirit of Christmas en- 
couraged me to take the whole family, minus one, to your 
place, and you should have considered in connection with 
your objection that you have approval of whole family 
presence according to your advertisement 

At 3:00 A.M. this morning I had a troubled spirit as 
to why an infant should be breasted in toilet room. To my 
humble knowledge so far, an infant is entitled to better 
consideration - better place than a dinner table but not 
in a toilet room where neither the nursing mother nor the 
infant child should bear to inhale the offensive odor. To 
this end, I have greatly felt your idea of social dis« 
tinction. I am sure that you will not make the same sug= 
gestion to a European mother. I know just as well that 
small children should not be taken out for dinner, es= 
pecially to a formal gathering. I know just as well that 
your place is a public eating place where every body should 
be welcomed. If there was ever anything against your policy, 
people going up to your place should be advised properly 
in due time, that is, before they ever spend any money 
and just before entering the dining room. When you raised 
the objection especially not direct to me and besides 
using the waiters to communicate your views to your patrons 
is absolutely discourteous and undiplomatic. Only decency 
and certain consideration held my patience. Whatever your 
reason is, last night was one dedicated to children in the 
name of Christ. The child whom you saw breasting is also at 
the same time table feeding as stated before and it would 
be an injustice to treat him in a toilet room. 

I hope that the same occasion shall not happen with me 
again anywhere - but at such Christmas day or night, until 
the end of the world, children ought to be given the spirit 
of Christmas and not the spirit of the toilet room, other=» 
wise nothing but the worst could be expected to the end of 
our day. I assure you I am very careful in going to places. 
With the help of other people of course I was quite sure 
that the children were decently dressed enough and behaved 
well enough to meet the requirement of the night and your 
place. 

If there is any implied immorality of indecency in the 
act of breasting a child, there is several times more in the 
act of showing almost every flesh of a woman in the acts 
of your floor shows. 

If there is an important matter to be communicated to 
a patron, I hope a responsible floor manager should take 



• 



more precaution and diplomacy to take the matter strictly 
private without the least embarrassing the party concerned 
even before the eyes of the waiters. 

Please understand that I am writing you this not with 
the spirit of any pride behind me for to tell you the truth 
I am Just depending upon what my daily efforts could pro* 
duce, but I am writing you to express my deep sentiment in 
celebrating Christmas - for the children - In the name of 
Christ. And in His name I shall forget what had happened 
as that day He has brought to the world Peace and Good Will 
to men. 

Very truly yours, 

John Doe . 

The sad fact was that this poor manby not 
signing his name or giving his address deprived me from 
explaining to him that no|| affront to his or his wife's 
dignity had been Intended and that It had not entered my 
mind to make a social distinction since European mothers 
did not nurse their babies In public. To this day I regret 
my error of having Interfered at all or had not asked the 
European patrons at the next table to leave If they were 
offended by the natural custom of the country. One always 
learns to^iate and then only through one's own errors. 

The last and final offense I committed, the one which 
terminated my job at the Great Eastern Hotel, was the most 
harmless one. I made the mistake of telling the chef to 
put "apple soup" on the special lunch menu. Please, don't 
shake your head. There Is such a soup. Annie had the brain- 
storm to get me fired. I should have known better. Whenever 
Annie gets smart Ideas, they're exceedingly smart, so much 



mm. mitmm mmmmtmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmim 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 374 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing caroe of it! 



- 375 - 





/ 



so that they often backfire. When I complained to her that 
I never had a new Idea in regard to the menus I had to okay, 
she suggested chilled fruit soups. If you haven't heard of 
fruit soup<J, ask a German hausfrau. she will explain how to 
prepare them. In any event - to me it seemed to be a grand 
idea to serve ice cold fruit soups once in a while in soupy- 
hot Manila. Any kind of fruit soup from cherries to apple 
is delicious. I chose apple soup for a starter and Annie 
wrote down the recipe for me. I should have consulted the 
general manager first, but I didn't. Instead I proudly ex- 
plained the dish to our Chinese chef who stared at me as 
if I were a fugitive from an insane asylum. He and I were 
not on the best of terms and he must have foreseen the 
kind of havoc this crazy, unheard-of soup could play on 
unsuspecting guests. Without a doubt he must have sworn 
his kitchen help and the waiters to total secrecy. Not 
a soul was forewarned of this culinary inn<^,atlon. So 
it came about that apple soup/a ^soup de 1our> appeared / 
on the next day's tiffin menu. 

• . . automaticallv wa*:/ 
As usual old man Ng Tip came for lunch anTTt ^ - 




erved the special fy nf / 

*"*"* i^S~lK~the day. The trouble was that I had 

not seen Ng Tip enter the diningroom. I was talking to 
a couple of guests who were enthusiastic about/fe apple 
soup which they had never eaten before. I felt proud of 
myself and decided to put a fruit soup on the menu once 



# 



a week. All right, Ng Tip was served his soup which to 
him might have looked like pea soup, the color being 
the same. It was his habit to sprinkle his soup with 
plenty of salt and pepper without even tasting It first. 
And so he did with the apple soup which was sweet, of 
course. He put the first spoon' full Into his mouth and 
then let go with a yell of protest which could be heard 
all over the diningroom. He had me called to his table 
for the first time since I had been working there. For 
a few chilling seconds he stared at me as if I were a 
monster from another planet. Then he threw at me a torrent 
of Chinese Invectives which luckily I didn't understand. 
They must have been quite juicy because all the Chinese 
waiters including the cooks, who had run out of the kitchen, 
grinned from ear to ear. At last the general manager (number- 
one-son) was called. I was on the carpet without being 
given the opportunity to defend myself. Then and there 
I was fired and was told to leave at once. Since I was 
not a member of the family, I couldn't come back either 
the rext day. Before I left, though, I had the good 
sense to remind the number- one -son that according to ray 
contract my employment could be terminated only on a 
thirty days notice by either party. That hit a sour note 
in that man's greedy heart. 

He told me with deep contempt in his voice that a 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl 



- 376 - 





man, who dared to put apple soup on the menu, had com- 
mitted a culinary crime and was not entitled to thirty 
days* notice and severance pay. I In turn, although I 
knew perfectly well that as a stateless person I had no 
civic rights, threatened him with a law suit. The long and 
short of it was that I got a month's severance pay al- 
though he considered me a blackmailer. 

However, 1 was through as far as hotels in Manila 
were concerned. The general manager, I guess, spread the 
MttHH word that 1 was a lunatic who served normal guests 
outlandish apple soup. As it was, I had to agree, appleg 
soup tastes awful if spiced with pepper and salt. The 
old man Ng Tip died shortly afterwards. I wondered, if 
he liked devil's cake with salt, pepper and triturated 
brimstone. The latter is allegedly a speciality in hell 
according to Timothy. 




To be a refugee is not to be recommended 
by any standards, but to be a jobless refugee is the kind 
of calamity to be avoided by all means. We knew where we 
stood, Annie and I. We did not expect any help and didn't 
ask for it. Anyway, we weren't yet totally destitute. I 
still had that one month's extra salary which did not 
eunount to much, but was still better than nothing. Annie 

was still working at The Little Club and made a few pesos 
each night. Altogether, though, we had to turn each dime 



Please, don't worry 1 Nothing came of itl 



- 377 - 



around several times before spending it. Yet, the little 
amount of money we had dwindled away faster than water 
from a leaking faucet. We had to keep ourselves in decent 
clothing for appearance's sake, and Annie's professional 
wardrobe could not be neglected. 

We were at a low, mentally and financially. The heat 
and humidity paralyzed my brain and though 1 tried I was 
unable to coax it into action. I was unable to write any- 
thing. The white s^et of paper 1 rolled into the typewriter 
each day remained white. That was the most unbearable aspect 
of my idleness. If I can't write, I don't live. 

Besides, at this time we were most concerned about 
my parents who were still living in Hamburg. My older 
sister, with the help of the Nobel Prize awarded writer 
Selma Lagerloef, had immigrated with her daughter to 
Sweden. My younger sister and her husband, who had had 
a position with a Swedish firm in Germany, had been trans- 
ferred to Malmoe, Sweden. All three of us were determined 
to get our parents out of Germany before it was too late. 
The Nazis had already taken over my father's business, but 
otherwise had left him alone. Even if I could have managed 

it, it would have been murder to transplant these two old 

wouldn' t/ 
people to the horrid climate in Manila. They/flBHMI have 

survived it for long. Moreover, I wasn't financially able 

to take care of them. My older sister, again with the gen- 



- 379 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of It I 



- 378 - 




erous help of Selma Lagerloef, succeeded in getting them 
to Sweden Just twenty-four hours prior to the Infamous 
Crystal Night, when mobs In organized pogroms all over 
Germany burned synagogues, destroyed Jewish property, 
beat up, killed or arrested more than twenty- thousand 
innocent Jews. At least, we were spared the fate of so 
many other refugees who never learned where and when 
their folks were tortured or gassed to death. 





Louis Fischer in his book "This is your 

World" wrote: "It takes a great deal of resolution to 

land / 
break with your native/HSHHI ^"^ steal away into a 

strange world whose language and manners you do not know, 
and where you will have no friends or even contacts and 
may starve because you are unskilled." 

This truth came home to me again when I was footloose 
in Manila after the apple soup affair. The sad fact was 
that I did not have the faintest idea how and where I 
could find a job again. There wasn't a deuce of a chance 
that I would be hired by any other hotel management. Old 
man Ng Tip and his nuraber-one-son had seen to that. As in 
all of East Asia none other but so-called executive po- 
sitions were open to foreigners, but what kind of execu- 
tive position could I seek? I had no experience in bi^li^iness 

or in any other specialized professional field- but in the 






Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of If. 

world of cncertalnment. Yet. within two weeUs n,y problem 

.as solved. Instead of my seeing the ^oh. the Joh sought 

The only friends we had made in Manila were another 

t^^ rii<:hi st^od for Gustav. 
refugee couple. Gushi and Louise. Gushi sta 

, A <n ShanEhai just two days prior to the 
They had arrived in Shangnai. j 

,^^ack of the/ evacuated with us on 

Japanese armed forces and had been 

w ,•!=> Aside from the one suitcase each 
the Gneisenau to Manila. Aside rrom 

. iwe P«.ot, on. of c.e .ost i.colUs.oc bird, o„. couU 

1 ^v,a^^prbox but understood 
imagine. That bird was a real chatterbox. 

u- »«„rh shut He wouldn't utter a 
well when to keep his mouth shut. 

1„ Sh„ghai .ad out asaln In.o ManiU. Th., carried t.ac 

w. u ►*,»« keot in a perforated suit- 
poor thing in a cage which they kept in 

^hP kind of people who could manage 
case. These two were the kind or p h 

t- ut^A cnnke onlv German and low 
anything. Naturally, the bird spoke only 

German at that. 

..„Uh .vacua., to HaU^ann's .oatdios^ous.. T..fs wH.t. 
„e aotuaU, ..t t... and SOt fti.ndl, »lt^ on. .not..r. tH., 

.atta.1. v.r. . P- »' """ "^ "'"^ '" """"'' "'"' 

attjracted ^/ _,^ ^^ ^^^ „^a avis category. 
I always felt/^^^^ ^ v *■ 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 380 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 381 - 




As we all, they had to leave Hellmann*s boardlnghouse and 
find their own lodgings. They had some money (at least 
it seemed as if they had) and so could afford to rent 
a small house for themselves, which of course made them 
a natural target for a cat burglar. Shortly after my 
watch and wallet was stolen, some one broke into their 
house and took most of their clothing as well as the 
cage with the bird. That to them was a major catastrophe. 
After all the effort and cunning to smuggle the bird over 
half the world, they just could not and would not accept 
the loss. The bird was their most cherished possession, 
a pet they had had for a long time. For weeks they didn't 




give up searching. 



They had to have the 



cage and the bird back. No parents could have been more 
grief-stricken if a child of theirs had been kidnaped. 
For three weeks they braved the horrible heat and wandered 



from one street to the other, visiting all pet- and 



pawn= 




shops until finally one day their perseverance was rewarded 
They found the bird in the cage at a native pawnshop. The 
parrot almost died from excitement at seeing them. With= 
out asking any questions Gushi paid whatever the pawn 
broker asked and bought their own property back. Only 
then they confided in us. As much as they loved the old 
bird, It had been the cage th^y had been really after. It 
had a double bottom in which they had secreted so much 



valuable jewelry that they could live on the sale of it 
for years if necessary. Having learned their lesson, they 
rented a bank deposit box for the jewelry. Yet, they had 
taken quite a chance on smuggling all of it out of Nazi- 
Germany. If the Nazi inspectors would have discovered the 
false bottom of the cage, they' would not only have wrung 
the neck of the bird, but also theirs. 

We were reminded of two wealthy Germans. One was a 
bachelor, the other one was married and had two teen-aged 
children. Neither one of them was Jewish, but they both 
disliked the Nazis enough to defy the laws against ex» 
porting anything of value, including money. They were 
determined to get out of Nazi-Germany with as much of 
their property as they could. If they had been caught, 
they would have faced a death sentence. 

The bachelor had an ingenious idea. He was known to 
transact quite some business in Holland and there was 
nothing to arouse suspicion for him to travel to and 
from Holland several times a year. Any profit he made 
in Holland, he transferred to his German bank account 
as was demanded by law. Generally his chauffeur drove 
him across the border in his expensive car. The German 
border guards knew him well and most often they just waved 
him along. Prior to their last trip to Holland, he and 
his chauffeur replaced in the man's garage at home all 



chrome of the car with platinum fixtures which they had 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 382 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of it I 



- 383 - 





•• 



molded themselves. The value of this platinum was tremen- 
dous. As usual they were waved across the border, but this 
time they didn't return. They shipped the car to a South- 
American country on the same boat they took. However, they 
were so proud about tricking the smart-aleck Nazis, that 
later they told the story to a correspondent of an inter- 
national news syndicate. Their escapade made headlines and 
the Nazis were furious. From then on the chrome of each 
car, crossing any German border, was carefully tested. 

The married man had for years taken his vacation with 
his family in Switzerland. Mostly he sent his wife and iB 
children ahead and followed a few days later. The Nazis 
had no reason to suspect him of any wrong-doing because 
he had declared officially his numbered Swiss bank account 
as he was supposed to do. In fact, he had withdrawn most 
of the money on request of the Nazi authorities and had 
deposited it in a German bank. Legally, he was allowed to 
keep a hundred dollars or less in a foreign bank account 
without declaring it. After his family had safely arrived 
in Switzerland for their annual vacation the second summer 
after Hitler had usurped power, he wrote an fBHHH^ un- 
signed letter to the Gestapo accusing himself of having 
another^ undeclared account of a million dollars in a 
Swiss bank. Two days later, as he had expected, two Ge- 
stapo agents paid him a visit and showed him the anonymous 



letter. He acted very aggravated, denying that he had 
more than a hundred dollars in this second account. The 
Gestapo agents didn't believe him, as he had hoped they 
wouldn' t/. After some arguing back and forth, the man 
suggested that he personally would drive the two agents 
in his own car to Zuerlch the following day (he lived 
only a hundred kilometer or about sixty- two miles from 
the Swiss border) and there would authorize the Swiss 
bank to show the account to these two doubting men. They 
fell for it. The next day they crossed the German border 
without any trouble or any search when the two Gestapo 
agents showed their credentials. Once they had arrived 
in Zuerich, the man changed the tune. He tj^old the two 
agents that they could go to hell. Neither he nor his 
family would return to Nazi-Germany. He lifted the back 
seat of his car, under which he had stowed several millions 
of German Mark, equivalent to more than a million American 
dollars. In fact, thti two Gestapo agents had been sitting 
on the money all the way. This man and his family took 
the same precaution not to stay|| too close to Germany and 
left Switzerland for America twenty-four hours later. This 
trick, too, couldn't be repeated by anyone else. One could 
fool the Nazis only once. 

I had not dared to take along a single Pfennig more 

than was legally permitted.' . I never could get away with 



anything. I wou^ have been caught for sure. There Is 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl - 384 - 




always a police car around the corner if /y mistake I 
drive through a red light. When it comes to gambling in 
any form whatsoever, I'm a born loser. Even blue chip 
stocks would drop disastrously the day after I had bought 
some. I tried it once and never again. No - I strictly 
leave the stock market alone , having no desire to be 
responsible for a nationwide financial catastrophe - 
although I could invest only a small amount of money. 
Besides gambling, playing cards or games of any kind 
bore me and I'm never bored otherwise. It's a waste of 
time as far as I'm concerned. 





One late evening , after I had been fired 
from the Great Eastern Hotel, the four of us - Louise, 
Annie, Gushi and I - were sitting together in the Legaspi 
Gardens. It must have been a Monday night because that 
was Annie's only night off. 

The Legaspi Gardens was an outdoor restaurant - the 
only one in Manila - situated at one end of the Bay where 
after eleven in the evening a slight breeze tried to cool 
us off, or at least so we imagined. The phosphorescent 
water gently lapped against the shore. All in all, it 
was romantic and peaceful. The two German owners of this 
place boasted that they served the biggest glass of beer 
In the world. It might well have been true. Their round- 



Please, don't worry'. Nothing came of itl 



- 385 - 



• 



# 



bellied glasses must have^been large enough to hold a 
gallon of foaming, ice-cold beer. 



Gushi, who looked like a cashiered Prussian officer 

affected the behaviorism/ 
with a brush-moustache and/t 



of a mis= 



placed comedian, told us that two Austrian brothers, who 

had been living in Japan for many years, were planning to 

open the first 5 & 10 C store on the Escolta, Manila's 

main business street. They had an uncle in New York who 

with a partner owned a whole-sale firm, specializing in 

merchapise for dime stores. One of the two brothers would 

later return to Japan and the merchandise for the Manila 

be importedy 
store would^HSlfromNew York and Japan. The surprise 

was that Gushi had already been hired as office manager 

for the Manila store. 

He announced grand-eloquently that he had recommended 
me for the job as store manager. To say the least, I was 
dumb- founded while Annie was enthusiastic about it. She 
believed I could do anything. Of all the Jewish refugees 
in Manila I was the only one without any business exJDerience 
I never had handled a piece of merchandise in my life. But 
that's how it was in the Far East. Topsy-turvey . 

As it happened, that same evening the two brothers 
and a party had also a table at the Legaspi Gardens. It 
was a matter of being at the right place at the right 



mome 



nt. Gushi introduced me and then and there I was 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of Itl-^ 



- 386 - 





hired as manager of "The Continental 5 & 10 centavos 
Store" without having lifted a finger. The salary was 
a little better than the one I had received at the Great 
Eastern Hotel. Stupid as I always was and am when it comes 
to self-promotion, I made a feeble attempt to explain my 
non-know-how. It didn't break any ice. Both brothers 
assured me that I looked sufficiently intelligent to 
learn and they expected me to report for work the next 
morning at nine. 

Man ol} man, did I learn I The first thing I learned 
was that no one else (including the two brothers and 
Gushi) knew anything about the operation of a 5 & 10 cent 
store either. The bosses' uncle in New York had written 



them a general information letter how to run such a 

had/ 
store and that was all they/to go by. The second thing 

I learned was that no one ever should physically work 
hard in a tropical climate. I was sweating my heart and 
soul out while we were getting the store ready for open- 
ing. The third thing I learned already before the opening 
day was that kleptomania was a wide-spread disease. And 
the last thing I learned was that I wasn't cut out to be 
a businessman. 



-# 



I certainly had not cared too much for my job at 
the Great Eastern Hotel after the way I had been spoiled 



at the Casanova, but being a businessman was something I 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of iti 



- 387 - 






soon began actually to loathe and although I was damned 
to be one for many years I never did enjoy it. I guess, 
I lacked and still lack the right amount of greed to 
make a buck for the sake of making a buck. I have no 
reverence for money. All I know is - never to spend more 
than I have and rather do without if we cannot pay cash 
for whatever we like to buy. Crazily, as a result of 
this "square" attitude I don't have any credit rating. 
One has to borrow to the hilt and more In order to be 
recognized as a good credit risk. So - I became a business- 
man and had to concern myself with money without knowing 

neither/ 
what it was all about. The fact remained thatymerchandise 

fllWMflM IB iltf/customers |^ver appealed to me. How- 
ever, as St. Augustin had said: "Necessitas non habet 
legem" -Necessity knows no law. 

Once I had started and, knowing that I had no other 
choice, I faked enthusiasm to cover my aversion. Without 
that job we would have been in a very bad way as were most 
other refugees who envied Gushi and me. 

The strange truth was that I really became an ef- 
fective 5 & 10c store manager under the possibly worst 
conditions. None of the sales personnel we engaged had 
ever worked in a store, leave alone our kind which was 
the first one in Manila or in the Philippine Islands 
altogether. I, who needed training myself, was charged 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of Itl 



- 388 - 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It! 



- 389 - 



# 





with training them. It was like the lame leading the blind. 
By trial and error we arrived at certain routines which 
we improved as we went along. Luckily, I found a fairly 
smart Filipino assistant who spoke English. He lorded it 

over the girls like a pashaf with a harem. So to speak I 

was / 
had to keep him on the leash because he/^ther too reliable 

nor too honest. Yet, I never caught him with his hands in 
the till. Soon after we had opened the store we had to 
Increase the prices. This store with merchandise dis- 
played openly on counters was too much of a temptation. 

Our loss from shoplifting amounted to twenty percent 

v igilance / 
despite my/HBTT?^ a desk on an elevated platform. If 

I caught a culprit, I gently took the stolen merchandise 
and let her or him go or we would have had mayhem every 
day. The salesgirls were either blind or sometimes In 
cahoots with the shoplifters and so was my assistant. He. 
however, was smart enough to catch one once In a while, 
making much more of a show of it than we liked. After all, 
shoplifting is an international illness. 

Of course, anywhere in the world truck drivers are 
a human breed of their own. The legend that wherever they 
stop to eat the food is good is a myth according to some 
research of my own. I call my stomach as a witness to 
testify that wherever truck drivers stop to eat the food 
is rough and tough. But that is getting off on a tangent. 



i 



The Manila truck drivers were not only a breed of their 
own, but together with their helpers destructive savages. 
They had the most simple method of unloading crates and 
cartons. The first delivery we got turned out to be a 
major disaster. Twelve crates of cheap china- and glass- 
were pushed off the truck and dumped on the pavement in 
the alley behind the store. They became twelve crates of 
broken bits and pieces of china- and glass-ware. I lost 
my temper; Gushl lost his temper; and the bosses just 
tore whatever hair they had left on their heads out by 
the roots. I threatened the truck driver and his helper 

that I would shoot them the next time if this performance 
would be / 
^■9 repeated. Gushl threatened to shoot me, and the bosses 

not only threatened to shoot all of us, but also started 

a law suit for recoverey of the loss. It was bedlam and 

mayhem all together. However, I didn't take any further 

chances and hired a kid whom I posted as a spy at the 

entrance to the alley. He had nothing else to do but to 

run and call me or Gushl at the approach of a truck. 




The highlight of each day were the couple 
of hours between my coming home from work in the evening 
and Annie leaving for her job at the nightclub. It wasn't 
much, but all day we looked foirward to these two hours of 



Please, don*t worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 390 - 




togetherness. The nights until Annie returned toward morn- 
ing were lonesome for me and I filled some of thera by writ' 
ing short stories and articles, maybe two or three a month 
Some of them my older sister sold in Europe (except in 
Nazi-Germany or occupied countries of course) . She had 



established herself 
in Stockholm. 



as a literary agent 

m always / 

Jne was/in financial troubles 





and quite often Mi 1 didn't see a cent of whatever she 
got paid for my literary efforts. Later on, after my 
father had died and my mother was living with her, I 
compelled her to sign a contract with me that any money 
due me had to be handed over to my mother who otherwise 
wouldn't have had a cent of her own. A few of my articles 
I managed to sell myself to Jewish periodicals in America. 
They either paid very little or nothing at all. Still, I 
didn't stop writing. It kept my sanity intact and improved 
my English more and more. These hours of writing fulfilled 
a good purpose. They banned my loneliness (I felt always 
lonely without Annie around) and kept me in the profession 
I loved best. 

One of my articles paid off very well, although not 
in money. I received a letter from a man in New York who 
had read and liked it. He turned out to be a relative of 
mine on my father's side. Two of my father's older brothers 
had emigrated to America long before I was bom^ 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of iti 



- 391 - 



I replied to his letter and a regular correspondence 
developed between us. When the time came and although 
he didn't know us personally, he willingly provided us 
with an affidavit without which (despite Professor Ein- 
stein's personal recommendation) we might not have ob- 
tained United States immigration visas. This man wasn't 
blessedwith much earthly goods, but he had a heart of gold 
To our deeply felt sorrow he died shortly after we had 
come to America. 



My conviction that the Far East 



would be 




embroiled in an all-out war of aggression by the Japanese 

remained unchanged, the same as I had predicted in my book 

"Cold Pogrom" that Hitler would go on a rampage in Europe. 

Dictatorial and military regimes as those in Nazi-Germany 

and Japan could only cover up their dishonest leadership 

by aggressive wars. The same applies now to the Soviet 

Union and Red China. 

Therefore Annie and I had only one goal to leave Manila 

could/ 
as soon as we possibly/manage it. We had no intention of 

being caught in this war, in particularly not since we had 
been lucky to get out of Nazi-Germany and China in time. 
Our luck could be stretched only so far and not farther. 
Naturally, everybody with whom I talked ab^ut my premo- 
nition, if one can call it that, indulgently smiled at 
me as if I were not quite right in my mind. Yet, it was 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 392 - 



Please, don't worryl Nothing came of it! 



- 393 - 






there for everyone to see like the biblical handwrit- 
ing on the wall: "Me-ne, Me-ne, Tekel, U-Phar-Sin" - 
God has numbered Thy kingdom, and finished it. 

Our friend Gushi in particular, who - like most people 
who talk too much - had little wisdom, failed to understand 
our urge to quit the Philippines and the Far East alto- 
gether and go to America before it was too late. He con- 
stantly tried to dissuade me. After all, he pointed out 

again and again, 1 had a good thing going for me in 

store / 
Manila, a job with a future. The Manila/was only the first 

in a chain and I could rise to general manager^ of all 
stores and so on. What did I expect to achieve in America? 
There was a depression and plenty of unemployment. Be- 
sides, the Japanese would never dare to attack the Phili- 
ppines, he claimed as so many others did. They couldn't 
win a war with the United States and they knew it. As 
it turned out, the Japanese didn't know it (the same 
as Soviet Russia doesn't seem to know it now). Their 
kingdom was numbered as that of Hitler's and Mussolini's. 
I even believed then and believe now that all dictator- 
ship nations are doomed from the start and that includes 
Soviet Russia, Red Ghina, Franco's Spain and the Arab 
nations. No people can be kept in spiritual, -mental and 
political 8 lavot^ forever. In these countries, too, the 

handwriting is on the wall and the days of their existence 



# 



are numbered. Their power will be broken before the end 
of this century because their rulers try in vain to silence 
the voices of the thinkers in their midst, and despite all 
their efforts and momentary success in brainwashing some 
of the youth in the world, the great awakening is in the 
cards . 

Gushi 's assurance, that I didn't know a good thing 
when I had it, didn't convince me, but neither did I con- 
vince him. He stayed while we left. He stayed and was 
killed in the holocaust of Japanese aggression. Louise 
got out after the war, and we met her again in Los Angeles 
and then she disappeared as if some unknown fate had 
swallowed her up. 

Well, I knew I had to start somewhere to get things 
moving in my direction. I couldn't sit still and expect 
God to do everything for us. We always have to help our- 
selves if we want God to help us. But the knowledge that 
God was on our side was all the impetus we needed. I wrote 
to a Jewish Publication Company in America, querying if 
they would be interested in reading the manuscript of my 
book although I had written it in German. Strangely enough, 
I knew of no other publis/fing firm in America aside from 
Covici-Friede. When first I had sought advice from Pro- 
fessor Einstein, he had replied in German which I trans- 
late here: "I've got to tell you that I myself had very 



..'ma-^m^ ^}iwWMLa.ik,^tiihiinM—[j"i'i »*' 



Pbease, don*C worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 394 - 






unfavorable experiences with Covici-Friede . Be anyway 
very careful with American publishers." 

How could I be careful from so far away? All that 
counted was to find a publisher willing to accept the 
book and trust 1 would be offered a fair contract. It 
was quite important for me to get a real literary start 
in America, a foothold so to speak. This was one of the 
greatest mistakes in my life although without the advance 
payment this publishing firm wired to me, I might not have 
been able to pay our ship fare in full to America and so 
it fulfilled a definite purpose. Nonetheless, I had chosen 
the wrong publishers - as I found out too late. At the 
time of publication theU did nothing to advertise the 
book. In other hands - as I will prove later - the book 
might have done much better. It was the right book, coming 
out at the right time. When many years later I tried to 
be released from my contract in order to sell it again 
to a foreign publishing house, I was refused despite the 
fact that it had no value for them anymore. The trouble 
was that they had taken out the copyright in their name. 

In my letter to the Jewish Publication House I had 
enclosed the Foreword to my book which as I hoped would 
arouse their interest in wanting to read the manuscript 
in its entirety. I must emphasize, though, that the book 
was written prior to Hitler's execution of total genocide. 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of iti 



- 395 - 



• 



"I began this novel." so the Foreword reads, as 
translated by a man who later on in his own books claimed 
my book as credit for himself, "in the first year after 
my emigration from Germany and completed it in the second. 
I wrote it in Shanghai, in a small attic room which con- 
stantly reminded me of a prison cell. 

"One evening close friends related to me the tragic 
history of the Selig family, whom they had known in Berlin. 
I realized then that the fate of the Seligs was material 
for a novel describing the actual plight of the Jews in 
the Third Reich. For this true story of a Jewish family 
clearly belies the National-Socialist statement, 'Nothing 
is happening to the Jews in Germany'. Nothing is happen- 
ing to the Jews in Germany except that they are losing 
their means of livelihood; that they are driven out of 
professions which they have pursued honorably; that they 
are maligned and execrated. They are being murdered slowly, 
without benefit of pogroms in the White Russian and Polish 
manner. They are merely being put out of the way - one by 



one. 




"I have intentionally described the events in Germany 
shortly before and after 1933 as they affected average 
people of the Jewish faith who had no political interests. 
It is only in the introduction to each section of the 
book, that I have placed my own thoughts. These intro- 



Please, don't worry! Nothing carae of It! 



- 396 - 





ductions serve as the general background and the scenery 
on the stage of the National-Socialist horror-drama." 

To be sure, I had great hopes that the editors would 
request to see the manuscript. I was wrong, but so were 
they if they thought I would take *'No" for an answer. I 
received a relatively quick reply from them, informing 
me that their list for the coming season was filled and 
that they were not interested in reading the book at all. 
Publishers find more excuses for not reading or accepting 
manuscripts than a determined virgin for not letting a man 
creeping into her bed. And yet -there are more dull, poorly 
plotted and written books published than good and inter= 
esting ones. Quite often the determining factor for accept= 
ing or rejecting a manuscript for publication is not the 
literary, historical or social value (unless the author 
has already a name for him- or herself) , but the violence 
and sordid sex it contains which in their estimate increases 




the commercial feploitation of a book. That is why the fil 
and TV industry as well as the book publishers cater more 
and more to the mediocre minds and the carnal and gory 
emotions of the masses of the asses. More often than not 
the criterium is left to the literary uneducated sales- 
manager instead of the literary educated editors. As no 
producer can pre-judge the success or failure of a screen, 
TV or stage play, so can no book editor predict for sure 



m 



which book will hit the best seller list. Even violence 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 397 - 





and sex don't always suffice. The preponderance defies 
any experience. 

As far as 1 was concerned, I didn't care whether or 
not the list of this publisjing firm was filled, whether or 
not they were interested. 1 believedi^simpleton as I still 
was, that I was entitled to their benefit of the doubt 
which only could be determined by the evaluation of the 
entire ma][iscript. 1 almost wish I could say again "Please, 
don't worry^ Nothing came of itl", but I can't. If they 
had rejected the book after reading it, 1 would have been 
compelled to a^t more sensibly. In my ignorance and over- 
whelming desire to get published in America, no matter how 
and where, I trapped myself. 1 was too impatient to take 
the time and make the effort to research the American 
publishing market and then submit the manuscript to an- 
other, more aggressive firm. This particular book was hot s 
at that particular time as years later one of the editors 
of a now defunct national magazine confirmed. 

But all this is hindsight. 1 was well aware of the 
many obstacles one had to surmount in order to obtain 
immigration visas to the United States. The publication 
of my book, so I believed, would greatly aid us in this 
endeavcyir. The sooner I could get a publishing contract, 
the better were our chances. This was a fixation of my 
wishful thinking. Time - so I was convinced - was running 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 398 - 



Please, don't worry I Nothing came of itl 



- 399 - 




out fast. Besides, obstacles had never deterred me from 
going ahead. As far as my thinking went, obstacles were 
there to be surmounted. The rest was in the hands of God 





And so God willed it that one morning I 
received two significant letters in the same mail - one 
came from Mr. Wong in Shanghai and the other from the 
American Vice Consul in Manila. 

Wong offered me my job back. Life in Shanghai, so 
he wrote, had returned to normal under the Japanese occu» 
pation. The Casanova like all other places of entertain- 
ment was doing all right. 

The American Vice Consul wrote: "This office re* 
ceived from the American Consulate General in Shanghai 
information generally favorable to your application for 
immigration visas. The Consulate will be pleased to dis= 
cuss with you further steps to the preparation on your 
application." 

The decision was an easy one. There was no going 
back to Shanghai - even if friends there had not advised 
us in letter after letter against returning. Moreover, it 
was our belief that the past never repeats itself. Our 
hearts were set on becoming American citizens. 

The American Vice Consul was as good as his word. He 
received us a few days later and in the most friendly manner 



advised us of the steps we had to take before he could 
issue immigration visas for us. The Inspectcur de la 
Police Francais in Shanghai had given the American Consul 
in Shanghai a clean bill of our honesty. We had proved that 
we could stand on our own feet under the most adverse cir- 
cumstances. All in all there was no reason to refuse us 
entry into the United States if we could produce an affi** 
davit by an American citizen in good standing, preferably 
a relative of ours. 

We left the American Consulate in high spirits. Every- 
thing seemed to go our way thanks to the good offices of 
God. My father's relative readily consented to sponsor us. 

Several weeks went by until we heard from him again 
by cable, informing us that he would air-mail his affidavit 
via the next Hawaii Clipper which flew to Manila once a 
week. 

Indeed, everything seemed to go our way, but not the 
affidavit. This particular Hawaii Clipper, which was suppos" 
ed to carry our aff>tdavit, disappeared on the high seas 
between Guam and the Philippine Islands and was never heard 
from again. We were frantic and spent the money for a cable 
to our relative in New York to fill out another affidavit. 
We worried too soon as one always doo^. The affidavit arrlv 
ed with the next clipper. Through an unforeseen delay the 
document had been mailed with the clipper after the one 
that disappeared. My mother had always maintained that 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of It I 



- 400 . 



Please, don't worry! Nothing came of it! 



- 401 - 






nothing was good without some mishap. Maybe she was right. 
At least, she was In this case. The American Vice Consul 
accepted the affidavit as valid, especially since a few 
weeks later It was augmented by a letter of reconmendatlon 
from Professor Einstein. 

In fact, I had written to the professor for such a 
letter as an added precaution in case the affidavit of 
our relative was not sufficiently convincing. His good 
heart could never refuse an honest plea for help. 

One morning the Vice Consul called me with the news 
that he had received a letter from Professor Einstein, 
but It had been written in German and would I please 
come over and translate it. It was a strange fact that 
the good professor, whose genius was completely unique 
In the world of science, was In many ways a very naive 
man. It never occurred to him that the German language 
was not understood by any Intelligent person. Besides, 
being Professor Albert Einstein he could write In any 
language, even Sanscrit, if he wanted to. His name alone 
carried enough weight that the recipient of one of his 
letters would certainly have It translated. I had little 
doubt that this letter decisively added to the fact that 
we were granted American Immigration visas as long as all 
legal formalities were fulfilled. This was my translation 
of Professor Einstein's letter: 



*'To the American Consul, 
Manila, P.l. 

Dear Sir, 

Today I learned with great pleasure that the f f^^avlt 
for Max L. Berges Is now at hand. Mr B«>'^8es Is not 
only a talented artist, but he has also proved him- 
self during the period of his /emigration that he is 
able to make a living for himself and his wife I 
consider him especially worthy for an in^igratlon 
into the U.S.A. and would be very glad, if by 
Issuing a visa his wanderings would come to an 

end. _, , 

Sincerely, 

A. Einstein." 
Well, all was set. Our Vice Consul cabled 
JTTirlerican Consul General in Berlin (for which 1 had 
to pay thirty-five pesos) to issue us two quot^numbers 
which were granted for November, some four months hence. 
Yes, all was set with the exception of financing the trip. 
We could not afford to book a berth on a non-German liner. 
My parents still lived in Hamburg and my father succeeded 
in liberating a certain amount of money from my blocked 
bank account to be transferred to the North-German Lloyd 
in Bremen. However, this amount did not suffice to pay for 
the entire trip to New York. The German government wanted 

us to. pay some foreign currency. Unless we came up with 

we/ 
five hundred American dollars/* »^uld have to disembark 

in the middle of the Straits of Gibraltar since no German 

ships stopped at any Spanish port anymore on account of 

the Spanish civil war. They could well have allowed us 

the full amount for the trip to New York from our blocked 




THE INSTITUTE FOR ADVANCED STUDY 

SCHOOL OF MATHEMATICS 
FINE HALL 

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Please, don't worryl Nothing came of Itl 



- 402 - 



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account, but