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LEO 

BAECK 

INSTITUTE 


MEMOIR 

COLLECTION 


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Leo   lidPik   Institute 

FOUNOeO  lY  TMI  COUNCll  Of  JEWS  FIOM  OElMANT 

JERUSALEM      .      LONDON      .      NEW    YORK 


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20,  Feoroar  1962 


nerm 

Dr.  M,  Kreutzberg-er, 

Leo  Baeck  Institute,  Inc. 

129  Kaat  73rd  Street, 

New  York  21.   K.Y, 


A 


'/ 


7 


Lieber  Krcutzber^er, 

leider  Koace  inh  erst  heute  dazu,    Ihren  Brief  vorn  26.1,62  zu  beantworten.   In 
aen  riaecnsteri  Ta£:en  senden  wir  Ihnen  eine  Abachrift    der  Krinneruru'en  von  Krau 
Else  Berf:inanri  >:eb.Fanta  (der  ersten  Frau  von  Hupo  Berfjman)^  muesaen  fiber  hus- 
aruecklich  betbhen,   dass  diese  Abachrift  unter  Keinen  Umstaenden  zur  Veroef-    y 
fentiich'jn^  in  irgena  einer  Form  DertinLit  seir.  darf .   Wir  naben  von  Frau  Berf^inh\^ 
noch  nicht  einmal  die  Erlaubnis,   aiese  Erinnenmgen  Ihn^n  zu  ueberrcitteln,  aber- — 
icn  t'^'-^t>e,   dass  ich  oazu  berechti^t  bin,   nachdem  wir  mit  ihrer  Zustimmnn^ 
seinerzeit  Absc^iriften  her^stellt  hiaben.  Die  Fraje  einer  evfntuellen  Veroef-     J) 
f^intlichoTi^  stand  bei  uns  schon  einmal   zur  DiaknEsion.   Es  hatten  aich  aber  von 
alien  Seiten  so  vie]   Zweifel  erf-eben  und  3chwierit;keiten  herausgestellt ,    dass 
wir  dieae  Fra^'e  nicht   noch  einmal  aufnehmen  wollen. 

Wie   IT.  nur  iTjner  wieder  betonen  k.ann,    bin  ich  an  der  Brocn-Broarruere  von 
Erich  Kanler  auaaerordentlich  intereasiert.   Lc-iQer  bin  ich  in  Fol^  Aroeitsueber- 
lastung  (dap  BlumenJela-Buch  ist  ins  Man'iskript  fertif:  und   zujr  SatL  an  aie  DVA 
^'e-Tir^n;   noch  nicht  dazu  ^kornnen,    aen  neuen  Band  "Die  unbeicannte  Groense"   zu 
lesen  una  durchzuarbeiten.     Wann  kann  man  in  aen  Besitz  aer  broschuere  oder 
weni^jstens  der  Umbruchfahnen  kommen  ? 

Auf  die  schon  lan^  versprochene  Photokopie  der  Einleitun^;  von  Natorp  z'jdd  Nachlass 
von  Lipiner  freue  ich  mich  senr, 

Fuer  heute  mit  vi^-len  herzlichen  '^rraeasen 

Ihr 

''Jr.    H^/VrcvUier 


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««II1       11970     .1480 
TIl-AVIV.     15        lAMlAM 


STIfET       *    0.%.     1480,    TClirHONI     «433l 


CAiiei.  iicoMC     iioiJiK     r/^sn 


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^'^^:2jy  /rtA/jr-v^v^c— y 


Des  Leb^n,  ko.Ulchste.   wird  .Icht  yrg.h'n. 
Srli,n.rui.^^n  eu««  u^d  Toiler  r,c'imer««n  - 

Bin    Ich    d^s   WlrkilcU«?    Oder  Jiii-    ^n 

Wl«  •iii«  Btthne   «ln.   una  ^us-.r^uat 
Und  wilder   auf jeetalit? 

W    doch   so   w.Xt«nfern  una  walt«nfr««d 
Und   so  bin  .ch  mir  a.lb«r  .uwh  una  .ch^ 
a«dtnk  Ich  aieiner  Ll«b«ii 
2)1#  drub«ni    hoff»    l<*h      <  i^.«  v  ^v„ 


•  9  • 


^ 


Sin  aott^elUMt  vrVmitc  wr  lalt  ••iii«B  Fr^uad^a 
8«iatfi  T«ili0  dM  tautM4Jalirl««a  Braielitiai. 
Hit  dl«sga  Si«g«l  ia  AfiUlts  blst  du  a«lal 


-V 


-  4  - 

"Das  X««b#4i  «i#Xi  ang«v«iid«t  vard^a^  im  aa  daa  grosaa  Zial» 
daa  l«a«r  vlnut   daa  uaa  Jo«tlia  gawi«a«B  hmt§  aa  Icomaat 
ua  «ia  tau4i;lieliaa  lah  au  rollaadctt*  naeli  d«a  Geaata* 
vaiiAC^Ii  da  awittrttaa** 

(sail  Ludwig) 

So¥aId  iah  it«ia«r  ••ibat  baauast  «urda#  mm  aar  aagaflilir  ia 
meXumt  dr«ii>aigat«a  Jatott  bis  dalila  aar  l^  laB«r  aateataaaaci  aad 
uabavuaat  arlabaad  g«bliabaa#  atlag  la  air  awt  a«daalca  aaft  daa 
Bataal  aalzias  Lubanat  daa  la  aalD^ir  TdilkOMiaaaa  Uabifralfilalikalt 
Tor  air  ataiid*  Tltlialebit  ula  «(iiil^ta  la  lufttat  w^nn  leli  dar  Ja- 
actULelita  aalaar  Yit  vlturBf  dar  Tra^ar  aaluaa  BXutas  naehglnga* 
leh  war  ubaraaugt*   daaa  daa  Blut •   d&a  in  aalnaa  Adera  fliaaatt 
aioh  arlnaam  auaatat   vaa  aa  in  3eat«i^It  diaaar  Yorfahr an  arlabt 
halt  daaa  aa  air  laiobt  vardan  a^aatat  ihra  Gaaohiehta  aa  araililaAa 
wana  nur  aaiaa  ?ahi,$kait  hinr'^lehtaf  ua  diaaa  Stit^a  daa  Blataat 
diaaa  KaXodiat  dlaaa  Sparanr4lirtt  dar  Ji^acblaclitar  piaatiaah  aa 
aaehan*     Sachrichtan  ii  ba  ieH  Ja  laider  vaalg*  Brlafa  alad  aa  gat 
wim  k<flna  arlialtan.     So  auaa  ioh  aeboa  daa  acbraiba&f  vaa  air  dlaaaa 
Blut  in  dunklaa  H&chtaat  aa  aias'iaan  Abandaat  la  ariimarua^agatriiak- 
tan  ""agaa  Torsingt.     Und  da  leh  aa  iiaiatlga  Kriifta  und  Zuaaaaaiihima 
f aat  gX^abat  bin  ieli  abaraau^tt  daaa  diaaa  Varatarbanan  «lr  liaifaA 
vardan*     Ylallalclit  vardan  alulga  Ton  itmaa  akaptiach  auf  mala  Var- 
Habaa  bliekan  und  nlcUta  davaa  luiltanf  ▼laUalebt  vardan  air  alalga 
Taa  ihnan  Yan^taiidnla  antgaganbringan  uad  nlr  half  aa»  uaA  dana  a&M 
Tiailalebt  ela  labandigaa  Blld  iiiraa  Labana  aaataada  Icaanaa* 

Malaa  Faadlla  iiat  aehoa  laagara  2alt  la  ^m  Stidtahaa  RaiidBlta# 
Ubaohavlta  und  Budln  gavahat.     Dlaaa  Sttdiab^aB  bafl»4»  aloli  a»- 
garahr  In  dmv  Mltta  sviaeHan  Karlabad  luUl  Fvag.    Maa  fladat  dart 
aaf  nll^  FrladMfaBt  dia  aocb  dla  atlawmgavallaa  ftltM  GratotaiM 
baaltaan*  dla  aUa  via  dla  daaataaatafala  tt©aaa«   aaaaaiMN  4la 


-    5  - 


-   6  • 


% 


Untf   t«  h«tt«  fur  mleh  loner   «ineB  eigea«Q  R^ist   cii«s«  nua 
Bchon  hftlb   Ter&ujik«n«n  Denkmaler  «u   seh^n,     Qeht   aoch  mlt  dietea 
•infftch«n  Steinen  der   letzte  Heat   eln^r  tra^lsch^n  3poch«  sujrundo* 
Kin  ^g«Qi(fb«n  d«r  Ja(litch«n»    btfUmlschsn  :;ation  nnr  da»  baute   sleh 
atbrauoh«f   Sprachtt    ^«rctt«f  Mttbol*    Sehulon  und    jine  Jftsellsckiaftt 
dl«   frl^enartlg  war.        In   lhr«r    \rX   l«btt  dlt  bdhmischt  iiaturt    dl« 
bi>bBi8ch«  Umwelt  ait   d«a  Judischen  und  hebraischen  Kultur  iit  in 
•in   J;uises  Terb^ndt    und  in   d«n  I«Andgemeind«n»    die   sich  TOr  uag«- 
f<Ahr  nundert   JaUr«n  ^iu  fluids  en  begntinent   wnr  daa  Leban  noch   eit^an- 
artiger   ais   in  tiochbaruhiLten  Prag«r   Jhetto.      OroBHa    lelehrta  iebtan 
da  in  dan  IcXeinan  f:tadten»    w^iltberuhmte  Knbbin-n   be<nu4i;tan   oich  init 
winzi^^an  '^Jatan  ron  L«ndrabbirit>rnt   bomniecha    )eii%rt«    M^ivda   bis  weit 
in  uan  Crientf    bio  ..usoinndt    bis   M.jiart    bia   Mneri^af    b^jkaiint, 
yurchtbara  Tra:diian   apieitjn  sich  ib  untar  ai^aen  ba^^nutianjaan  Men- 
schant    dia    iurch  dia  ir^UDama   Jt^Betsga  mn^;  harvorgar^uf^n    vurdan* 
j)laaa  achwar^n  Zit^n  dea  Kittcjl- Uero  und   der  Keuzeitt    aua  denan 
mein  Oaacbla^htt    wia  Jadas   nndaref    nufjatfiucht   ic^x.9   i&t  !iiir  nur  in 
sIIgaBaineB  bakaimt*      Jiinselochickb- la  hat    dna   Dunk-^I   der  Vergaaaan- 
hait  Taraehlungfin.     ^ain  Ynt^jr  bahauptata  immer  ku   wlaaany   data  wir 
Ton  dan   '*bdh]aisch«ii  Brud^rQ"   abatiaman.      Ji    sa  Sekta  zur  Zait  dar 
Huaaitankriaga   soil    /iale  Tachachan  dnzujjQbracht  habent   sua  Judaa- 
Xvm  tib#rsu^ahan«   ua  dna  Haich  Jot  tea  durch   diaaa  ?at  aahersubringaa. 
Und  ua  dar  iTy^hrhaiti    wia  sia  aia  daania   auff-iaatant   naherzukoioaan* 

Sin  7.w*ig  dar  Camilla   ioll  ait   Rnachi    ia  Jnhre  "au.  endfuiifund- 
funfBig  ubar  Dautsehland  n-^ch  Prag   (tingawandart    aain.      Daher  dar 
Kant    Fantat   Ton  l&nfnnX.     Kina  innera  3tina«  in  air  ^ibt  dar  flypo- 
thas«  Ton  dan  bdhaiaohan  Brudarn  rachtt   dana  rail cittaa  und  philoao- 


f 


fhiacha  lutere^aan  vfiran  in  aeiner  ^nailia  TOn  Jahar  tt«i^"^so^ 
und  charakteriatiach. 

Der   ?rate*   Ton  daa  dia  ?«imiliantradition  barichtatt   iat    ela 
T'hiloaoph  gawaaan.     Mr  war  in  (iaa  winiigea  St'adtiMchan  Buain  dar 
Ba^under    einar  Ladarfabrikt    dia  noeh  in  a<iinar  Jugand  baataad* 
Stfina  Bibliothek   entbiait   weni  jat    abtr   aahr   ^t%  Buclier.      Der 
Diehtar  Sauma,    nuf   aainaa   "Spaxierg^ig    aach  3yrakua*   bagriffant 
kahrta  b«i    iha  im  Jf\hT%   1802   ein.      Sauaa  barichtatt    "In  Budin* 
einaa  Grte»    ^0    ^ilganaina  Verl«i^.eeimai  t   zu   sain   aeaaiiit*    traf  ieh 
bei    daa   Juaan  Lasar  Taussig    dina  kleina  .>   icaiiun^   ^tar  Buohar   an 
und   iiaea   )i)ir  vou  iha»    da    ^r  Le8k>iri^*8  i^athan  ainaa  ?raunda  ga- 
iiehan  hatte»    auf  aan    vband  Knnt' a    "Baweiagrund  zur    eiiizi^  mbg- 
iichan  LeHiOiiatr'^tion  uber   u«a  I>aa<»in  Jottaa"   gaben. " 

Daa  S   tzaielwark   ron  Jr.  Jold   "1)19   iaffieiudan  Bohaana**    antnehaa 
ichf    dnaa   Budin   1760   aii^a   kl -iua   Juaanga^iaiiide  hatt^i,   }ilf  ?axaiiian  - 
4^   Jtf^lan.      Bi»   G-nin   Mnrcti  cia  uater  liar  Mrxcntbefugnia  der  Orafan 
Sternberg  und  M   sanburg  geweaen,    aeren  stolza  Burg  auf  dam  Haaanbarg 
bei  I*ibocho*it»   dap  Land  rioch  Jetzt  ©la   rtolze  T^uina  welt  baharracht 
Lninr  Tauceig  k  ufta  ein  Hiu  a   in  ^udlnt    abar  achon  Torh^r   waran 
Judan  aortt    ^ii«   von  dan  vJrafen  gazmintren  wurdan»    Tcirlaaaana  Hauaar 
zu  kaufent   und  dia   eine  hebraiacba  TnachrJft  ait   daa  ITagen  Larid 
auf  ihrer  Kuhle   anjabracht  batten.      K^«an  unaarar   7aaiilia  Panta» 
Brill»   Getrauer.    ^racheinan  in  dieaaa  G-^raaelwark  und  zu  aain«  Br- 
ataunan  fa.d   ich  auch  dort  Bildar  ron  daa  Vatar  a«lnaa  VatarSf   dar 
Mutter  aein'^r  Vuttart  Eailiat   und  einae   Groaaonkela  31ocll«      Auch 
dia  7a»ili«  iellnar   let  dort  haufig  arwiikint.      So  heiratat«  tin* 
Judith  aellnar  1870   einea  Keraana  Fanta  aua  Ubochowlti.   Xint  Selaaa 
wurda  in  "^udin  bareita  la  Jahra  1680  arrichtat  und  alna  8yna«»ga 
ia  Baroekatll  1631.     Daa  Bach  Laaainga  war  Tarborgtt    ala  ZaielUAt       M 


-   7   . 


da«9  lASar  ifut^fi  phlioaophlsohsn  V.rkchr  in  dm  Best  gehabt  hat. 
StlAMi  Toa   faj3d  «r  les«nd*     }fir  sehrltb  auf  (il«  TiaehpUtt«  oUt 
Krtidtt    "L«icht  un4  tc.iMvrsXosVt   ua  ftein«  Trau  su  trostaiu     IU# 
^Hu   dle8«8  L^ear  ""auoBlg,    ,jeborent  Lajadamaniif    ©oil   roii  Zeit  su 
Ztit   V«rfoI7i:un/rR«rnhn  g^haht  hnben.      Labat    «p«rrte   «!•  dnon  jaii» 
elnfach  la  den  Keller  eln  und  pfle^te   slo  hlnje iun^aToll  bis   sit 
v^itder  norm«i   wurrte.      Diese   Ihre  wechanlndt   Sxlst^rn*  hut   »ich  fort- 
gttrbt  wle  dlo  hoh«  J  .Istltjlc^tit  Ln«fir«.     GroaiTatrjr   KiWartt    von  den 
Bpater  di«  ^ta«  B«in  wlrd.  und  der  Kftkelsohn  von  Lna^r*   «l«o  dtr 
Brudcr  mein^r  Ur^rossrauttar  Chariott«,    waren  ceir    uiiruUlg**  ^^uschan. 
Kin  Bruder   vom  iros6Tat«r  Aibtsrt,   Hermann  oohrt    ;iehort  In  dl«s« 
K«lh«.     i*r  nahia  uie   ^    uf «»    t;iii   oastb^ai^nter  Zaiuiarzt  In  Prag«    d«r 
nur  Iiochadel  and  ho-^hsto  Otti&tlichkdlt   behandalt«  and  naeh  d«B   ^in 
Kundwaasor  verblieb*    w«leh«i   njch  rlela  J^ihre  in  unoerer  Apoth«k« 
hergeatijllt   wur<l«  und  «^U8ichIirf88llch  von  dem  -iochaael  und  dtr 
h  ihan  Jaietllcakei  t  gticaurt  wurdt.      Ich  arianert  l^qUp   wi«   atolz  Ich 
wart    ate    u-«»a  -Aiuipg^^tn   vor   d^r    \nolheke   hi.a*:en.      ^r   ^ndeta 
durch   Seibatmord, 

Vleles   in  Boln.n  Tar»ciil«d9n«n  abrupt.n  Vsriumaruiigan  ■-io«r 
L«b,n.rlchtun^-,n  lat   w.hr.-h.inXleh  auf  dl^.e  Ver9rbunb-,n  «uruck- 
zuJ-uhren.      Schn  un4  Schwl.^.rtochtw  al...e  L^ar.    Jo,ciil.  und 
Jualth,   b..oiu.t«  i«  K.u«l«lt«    .in   .inat«cicl^„   la.^Xlcha.   ^.baud,. 
U.fn  b,fand  alch  aa.  .,.c«rt.    an  L.in.n^..ehHrt.   .a.  tl.f  und 
.cb.al  war.    ob.n  ^1.  W.hnun,.    una  .1.  y,n.t,r  Mlckten  h.r.u.  auf 
di»  s'-hmal,    'ueisngasiaa,   ell.  ran     .^  w^-w 

kowlt««  T)ah«rr«eiit   wird«.        Kola-..!--.      . 

•  •n  kbiii^llAhan   '!«-■       v    «. 

^•n    .It..     :,,i«.  .r^„..«.,fr  .^.arlatf.   inr  -'nxa., 

^      ,  *iittt,    da»   ron   alnai 

*ewi.„„  2,ub,r  a,r  .-^Ica.un..   ...  ,,,,,,^.  ^^^ 


t 

I* 

i 


ij 


•   8   • 


4rar«     Der  Dicht«r  und   vbent  urer  Caaanora  loota  in  d^m  Schlosaa 
kurx«  Z.'it    %l8   alt^r        nn  una  ordiiatd  dort   cli«  Bibilothtk*   und 
war   ciitaor   t^auiiim^ii«i70il«  Zaabor&rt    der  rieileicht   di^  3«8i«  Ciiar- 
iotttsna  baainfladdttf*      Sia  war   von  zartar   3a&tait»   aiit   jrooaan 
bl»uan  \ugt9n«     Ihr  ^Jabicbt   loII   aim  eln  l.onncage&icht  ^ev^aan 
a  iin*      Ciia   iiabta   rsiamn.  Ghrlatar.*   naturlich  lioffi.ungcloa9    und 
achriab   Jaaichte*     ^'^it   ^robser  Hlu^abun^^  pflu^te   tie  Kr^uk^f 
Christen  und  Judent    ^enn  si  a  jfam   ^aran*      31  a  w^r  in  Kaudnitz 
beruhmtt    man  aai^ta  von  ihr»    daas   nia   iurch  Hand'^ufle^en  Bchmcrzaa 
llndarn  koiiiit^*     Han  riaf  nach  ihrt   un  lelchter    sterben  zu  kSuiient 
wann   el  a  dia  Hand  nuf  dla  Btirna  leite*     So   a'^h  &ie   vitdia  Mcnachaa 
starban  und    daa  Laban  verflOLa   ihr    i  a   <sine   trauriia  I'al   dla* 
ioatha  war   Ihr  I.iabliiij88chriftfet»filt?r   und  yon  der  >feBBiada  kaimta 
aia   5an£a  Stucka  au8w«ridlg,      l>la  Jlt«rn  aiafar  Ursrostirnuttar   waran 
bar':?it8    ^naz  vom  Juuentum   entfarnt.      L}ia  war-sn  reich»    aber    ^a   war 
aina  ua^lucklicha  Mha  und  Urr^robumuttar   arsahlto  mir»   daas  aia 
Rauf-  und  ^rdgelazanan  d^r  I^lt^rn   :;rlaota  und   d<^ia8   bia  bai  alaaar 
Galagatih'.'it   TOn   ihrea  Vatar   Tcrprugalt   wurcia»   "n^im    3la  ihra  liuttar 
Tartaldigt««      Diaua  i^uttar   Jualth  trl^b   jros&an  ToilettonluxuBt 
dan  ihr  Ifann  varurtailtet   aa  ar   «$t«ab  gaisig  ▼«raniu^t  vart   uxid 
wann   aia  wiadar   ain  u^u^a  Klaid  wolit<«    sa^^ta   liiai    ''GaxuK   Xaar   iat 
ta  in  mainea  Kaatan;    ain  ^cUtai  kdimte  m,a  uarin  ..u&andaiu'*      Yoa 
ihr   ^tniamtan  rarlfjnachnara   »    dia  Urgroaamut tar  Chariotta  aufba- 
wahrta#   bia   aia  ihr  ihra  Schwlagartochtar  fur  Ihra  Toohtar  Olgat 
dia  dla  ^au  dea  Dl^htara  Hujo  Snlua  wart    abbattaita.     Urgroaa- 
auttar  Chariotta  heiratata  baraita  16   Jahra  alt. 


-^' 


•  9  • 

Urgrosaratjr  Simon  :mg9l  «us  H«leli«iiau  war  «lii  sohtiner*   statt* 
Xleh«r  Umjm$   glattraslertf    oo  class   Ihn  dlt  LnndXeuto  oft  mil   Hand- 
kilsssa  als  ?fa  ror  bt^jraaBtan.      ^r  war   sin  sehr  ori,;lB0ll«r    Jelst. 
Zuwrot  war   or  Jacklmiidi'^   in  P.audnlts*    daua   "vtirci^j   er  Landwlrt   in 
Hsicksiiaii*     JOort   war   tr  dor   ttrsto*   dor   eino  kunstliche  Diin  ^m^^  tin- 
fulvto*     iDio  Bau^rii  laclit<si:i  ihn  -^us*      Go  hatte   er   iirj&al    alo  Kiss- 
fold  gsdiomt;    als  dsr  Kids  huran^ruchst    otaiid  in   aom   /aid   ir^ss- 
Milchtlg   dis  kufBchritt  aut  don  hoch^^awacUaonsn  iCleopf iansen:    "Wir 
eini    kanetlich  godaii^t.*     ^t  hatto   den  mdorn  ""eil   ieia  ^«ld^8   un- 
gedungt    gelae&en.       '  fim    ^in  Ariaer  ^tmt    hek^m   .fr    ^ll«8    <ra3    ^r  ver- 
langto*      :Ur.m!il    jab    jr   seinen   le-2Sten  Anzu^  wei   and  muesta  im 
schwarson  Cabbatabratonra?k    mfj   ?eld  •      Ur  ^roasinutter  zerbrach  Blch 
den  Kopf  aarabert    vrae   dsr   jeiatliche  ne^r    rat  ihrem  7elde   aur^htet 
als   sis   iha  von  wsitim  snh.      r.i«  hrarhte   iVja  dao   Ksssa  ?*.ufr>   ^eld 
und   im  irah«rkoriaB*fB   ^^k-  unt^   aie  ihren  Umant    zxx   ihr^a     irstaunen  and 
Schrecksn  in  arh^ars^fn    Vnsug  bairn  Pflujsa,        Urgros^:  :.u tter   liebts 
ihn  mit    vier  gaiuaen  Kraft   ihrer   biaher    ao   trauri^en  Seols»    aber  b^ld 
war  ihr  Glack  yorbei*      '^  war  Ihr  untrou  una  lurh  'jtwae  Torochwcnds- 
risch  und    ei«  muoste   aehr  hart    arbciten.      Sio  hatt*    -m  ihrer    «^lnsn 
Kand  g*ina    Tobogens  "'irig^r  ron  aer   ^rbeit   in  Troct  unl    va»  V^iucbo- 
was'^hsn  in  der  Kalto*      Ihrsn  Yniji  rerchrxe   cic  rber    trotrdoK  wis 
oinsa  H«iiligenf   dsr   cr  nicht   war.        Kr   war   (;anz  aufgcjklkrt  und  er- 
aiihlto  alt   grdf  Steffi  ntolst   dass   er   «ur  Zoit  der  Achtundvi^rzi jor 
""efvolution  auf   ei.-ur  Barrlkaas   wuf   dor   r  nrlsbrucke   in   '^roij  ititge- 
lti«pft  hatte.     ''^or  dor  Henktion  konnts   or  sich  nur  rsttent   inc.iwi  sr 
aich  bol     ine«  "^raunfis  vieraehn  "ago  i«  Keller  vorotockts.      In 
solnsn  Altor  Isbto  er  in  Trag  in  usn  ?i    inborgon   (Vinohrady).      Bort 
srriehtsts  or  don  sehonen  zwaiturmigsn  Tsapsif   abor  nicUt   aus 


"ic- 


-  10  • 


fr#ia«i^liit»   osAdsrn  nur  ma  a«insB  bostgi   ?round»   Rabblnsr  Starkf 
«inen  "oetwn  au  Yvraehaff oa  •     wioaor  Habbinar  Stark  war  naeh  Kit- 
teliung<fa  ran  iiflly  %ag«l,   gsbor^ns  ^hisWrgart   die  os  TSn  ihrsa 
Votsr  arf*?hr«9n  hnttot    t»in  gana  groaaor   loiohrtert   wahrssb^lieli 
«in«r  der  «ilorlotato«  ijrasaon  Judiachsn    }«l«hrten  ^raijs.     Doktor 
StarkanatslAt   der  Istats  ^ratjor  Pharmokoiogs  an  d«r  JDoutschon  Ual- 
Tarsi  tat  i   sraahittf  dam  Vatarf   dea      ibbin^r  Tiiidb«rg<*r»   dasa    or 
vib^tr   ^ino  beHti^iRts  ?flanas   in  ""nlaud  Boschsid  wleaen  volilo     und 
ru   d«B  '>abbin^r   :tark    jin^«      I^ioaen  traf  er   ab«r   •  uf  aer  Stisgs 
an   und    fragto  i>in  auf   d«r  ntie^i^  riach  diss^r   -fl^iiias.      Habbinsr 
Ct^rk  Bn.;t?f   ihn   sufort   «u8   diin  Kopf  «^«»att  uis  ^t^-Iap    wo   dieao 
Pflanzs   iai  ?'»ic:ud  rorkooEt.      Ale   *r   daa    i^Id   far     li  ©  Cyna^ogs 
sa-'iaelto»    fuiir  **r  in  gnaa  Oeat«rreich  und  Deutachland  h*ruai*     pis 
kleino  F   iaotagchsf    dio   «r   dimalii  rsithatt '#    mit  grosson  Blunon 
puf  Fanraa  toe  der  Urgrouaimit  t#r  ^entiekt*    aeii^tt   5r  mir  oirnaal 
nit   jrojifiOB    ;3toli£i    Tm  w^r   oiraail  dor  T  mptl  in  "^   inberge  drin,* 
Mit  StoXa  blickta  ich  als  Kind   vom  '^iitrin  ^uf  di-^st   zwsi   joXd- 
Xouchtisndsn  "^^rtio  w  i  t   an  :ioriaont«      Mb  jun.^oror  Knsm  a*i'?hto  or 
^r^ikas  Rifiaon  fiiit   dsr    ^nnznn  ^-leilisf   i^^it  m^iXn^r    }r«  anuttor 
:SmiXis  und  dsren  Td^ht^rot    and  ieh  ^Xnubs  nichtt    dtas   nnaors  7a- 
milisr*  90   zuaa  iKenhin^^n  wie  dio  n^inijc*     Od«r   s^  its  os  das  bs- 


Icaroito  ^^tjuaiae^is  F*imi  Uen^ofuhX  isweotn  sain*    das  uns   ^rhpltsn 
liat    bis  auf  aon  h^utigcn  Tag? 

Bin  asdiohtff   dms   or  n«in^  l^uttor  in  ihr  Poeoi^aXbusi  sohri«^» 
lot   fur  ihn  chnraktsriatischt   obonaa  wis  os   d%a   ^tdicht  iat»    das 
seins  ?rau  in  d«\8    \Xby«  ^jln^istragon  hatt 


-rA- 


**■•• 


''SfcJ 


I*' 


.     11    - 

Kleht  laaor  ist  dw  Lob  en 

It'tnch  Gorf  •  und  L«ld 

Aucli  brlngi^  clle  Ztlt. 

a«h»    dl«««ii  autig  •ntgt^eii 

Bew%ur»    hoi  torn  Slnut   wan  das  :ier«. 

2»4  boalmiaat   Ihron  SoUagon 

dec   ttmchllchtn  Selmori. 

?uo  ^-uto«  nur  ua  dos  guten  wliXoa 

Und  Btr«iig  in  ..rfullunj    dor  PfXlcht 

alack  bluiit   air  im  Bowus»tooln  doa  .till en 

l>aiik,  Aii«rk^i4.ung  bedurf   oo   d^^n  nicht, 

Dtla  Irosar^tor  Simon  ::ns.l  ;2o.8opte..b.r  1873 

¥t?ln  iitibff     :,V.>.if 

In  delnea  ^a..^-n  ...j^jxi  ael  k^n  Tag 

Der  «r.der.s   dir   a«  ^utes   b^iugen  ma«, 

Schaufko  Ibn  dafur    lilt  dor  Tat 

Dlo    tuch  uur   gutos    in   rich  hnt 

Una  k^^nat   du  durcu  ^^at  m  r.l-ht 

Woil  an  li raft   es   :ir  ijebriciit 

So    tu  ee   durch  oin  \^ort 

J>'0  welat   Eiut  iiut«a    f^rt. 

Bint  du  Auch  dft  r.och  ochwach 

So   '-ufo  <»lnoa  aodnxiken  wncli 

Von   don  dlo  3>ol  wlrd  klap 

L'nd  daa  Hon  oriluht 

Aua  d#m  la  Zulamft  dio  £:utt  Tat   orbluHt. 


Oroom,i«a  Chariot  to  :ir.gol     44.7.1867 


-  xa  • 

arooamuttor  Charlotto  hatta  auek  roiaaiida  altpragor  SpriA«tfrtor» 
ran  donan  ieh  mleh  <ai  ainoa  orlnnerot   daa  aio  mirt  bogloitat  Tam 
ihr^A  oigenartigon  kurion  Laehan  lait   dor  ?rago  Tor«itttslto»   "Woiaat 
Dtt  waa  daa  I<ab«u  dlr  bringon  <vird?  2in  ^daomoa  Buehaal»    ain  ail* 
bern«»a  Hlxolf   •!&  tialaonoa  tart*    t/lna  Veil*  •«     Huga  Salua  hat   diaaaa 
qltao  Spruch  in  einoa  aeinor  iodiehto  Torwendot.-  Orosssiuttor  hatta 
Zuknnftabliekf    done  d^^c   Lehtn  ^ab  ut^r    Tlel»   r.^isn   oa  iiir  auf  oixaMil 
jnd   Ileea  mir  auacor  aioeon  droi  Din^^n  dae   waa   ich  :air  solbat  woA 
«chwer  Torachafft  oabot   una    «iuch  das   Ai«t   Jioch  unaichor. 

Um    kt»m  Jedon     ag  in  dor  kieinon  ^onnunj  der  Urgrosaoltora  ia 
den  T  inberfoR  zusfiKmen.      Zuerat   bstrat  Bian  aio  £ueho»    in  wolchor 
die  herrllcheton  Kuehoxi  und  "^orten  untcr  dar    iufelcht   der  Urgroaa- 
renter  ron  <if»T  kleinrn  ^J^nm.  ^j^barkan  wurdon.      Dia  slelno  Anna  war 
unsahligo  J^hro  bol      rq^rocarfiutt^ir   nia  Ki>chin.     Mit  groaaan  blauan 
^Uj^'jn  und  font   nn  don  Kopf  geklebten  ochflwtaigblonaen  Maaran.     Auf 
dem  HintTkopf  w^r   ein  Zoof  achnackenartig  ^^ngobracht.      Sio  trug 
iHlor  aehr  brtjite  und   t^d<*llos  e-^ubiro  Ochurson*     nac^iadttaga  war 
yon  dor  ftacen  Kochorei   niehts  mehr   su   ^paron.      Dn  hatta  dia  klaina 
Ajina  bereita  don  Kolabodec  jjawaa-^han  und  mit   weieaaB  Sand  baatraut. 
I/aa  Vohn-ciirim^r  war  nir   goarhwunjjanwaf   achwarB-wichalainwaBdaatfi  Sofa 
und    ebenu'Jlchari  f^easoln  nussoatattot.      Sola  Senator  4nd  ain  lILhtiaelit 
den  ich  b^aonders   liebto»   well   or  ait   bunton  achill ^riidaa  Hilaara 
und  'f^^i^lmuttsr   ^In^^lo^t  wart  und  ain  ^ikuot   dor  ron  Mina  tligliall 
gewnarhan  und  be  looaen  wurdat-  tr  aah  aua  wia  Icunatlicht    atmad  ¥aia 
andorn.  Das  xw-jlte  7Amm^T  war  daa  Schlaf aiwiar.     Dort  ataniaa 

dia  Bott-sn  r.it  blutenwolsaon  '^Iquatdaekan  lagadaekt.     Suarat  warda 
"Daddcl"  s^BPiolt;    wlc  Idi  ?ir»nohaaf    aia  altjudlachaa  Kartaaapial*  4* 
Finion  nftchf   dac  un^ofSihr  oln  koaplisiortas  Hariaga  war.     fuur  aiaii 


4  ^ 

/I -4 


-A\- 


v..        ,;■• 


•   X3  - 


wmtmn  b«8oad«r«  aiisi«li#nd     <U«  faiitaati»ch«ii  Bilder  d«r  K6uig%  und 
UaigiiiJ2«a«     Uiit«rbroclitii  wurd«  dies  Spi«^  durch  Kaffo«trixik«ii  and 
ma«s«nhftft«  Vtrtilgun^     d«r  Vund«rw«rk«  ron  Axmaf  und  durdi    leidtn* 
sehaftlich«  8s«n«a»  botond^re  iwlsohcn  UrgrOBsrater  Siaon  und  Oross- 
Tator  Albertf    die  sirh  weldlleh  beBrhlmpften  und  uralta  UnetioMlg- 
»c«ltiin  ^m-dan  hprTor<[jeholt»   und  elch   legenaeltl^  an  d«n  Kopf  gavor- 
fen.       /^o3BTat5r    Vlhart   wrirf  den  UrffrosBTater  aelst  Beine  VerBChWBil- 
.unjseucht   70*  uiid  die  kl  »lne  i^itjlft  der  Crrossaiuttt$r«     Die  iftelber- 
gescalcUten  Tt^rs'^U^le;   trt    deiui   ar  hatte      eren  auch  elne  l^en^e  auf 
dem  KerbAols*      ^r   pfle.it e  Immer  bel    BolchBn  aalegenh^ilt^n  den  AUB* 
Bpruch  aeln^r  /'utter   zu  ^Itierom    ":>ln«  />ute   '^'rau  muss    elne  c^rosBB 
SchUvte  habon*   u£  die  f ehle  r  ihres  lAonee  mit    ^jln^in  UcheXn  susu- 
declcen.**      An  alesen  i«ac^unltta^en   Mirueii  luaner   seiir  vlele  .^amiXl«tt- 
•rinuerungen  ausgskraffit   una  Lrciroeaniutt^r   t?r&ahlte  nit   r^tols  Ton 
dexi  H'^lcentaten  aee  Ur<^rodciTMtc<r0»      Sie  ha^  te   iromer   ein  rilzendeB 
Spl  t  Benhiubcuen   nn  und  ua  mu  Hals   wnren   ib^nf-ills   ir^<2ridwelche 
3plt»«n    ijij«oranet.      UrirOdtiTater  Sl?\on  und   IrOaaniutter  BniiiB 
Beiztun  tich  d'^im  xua  Schaoiiy   -vaarend  aer  aiidere  Tdl   der  FaaiiiB 
weiter   "daddeltc".      iiach  dem  Toae  aee  Lirgr^eeTaterL    vohnte  UrgrOBB- 
mutter  in  der  liVohnunts  irir-e  S4>tinep  Ludwig     lUiifsl  una  der  SohvlBger- 
tocht^Ff    (^er  Tante  Lu1b«      In  dur  Voiinun;^     er  viroBamama    jmlXla  la 
Gtadtpnrk  in  *4iuqB  7ornelita«A  K^ur  e  in  n^ichuter  ^Tachbairsciiaf  t  der 
KlXXlonire  r^etachok   ^oiruen  uieoe  ^aniiieu  .u&mx*menkuuf  te   fortgaaatsty 
nur  in  etwaa  grJ38&ujig^*rea  AusQaas.     ?aiiny»    uie  iCbchic  der  Jraaa* 
aaiOAf   war  ein  Jag^nDtack  2U  der  kXeinen  /v.  nat    eiu  war   beinaha  la- 
benaXangXich  oei   ^rv'Bsai'uiut  und  ale  einzi^e  ^iruon«   70r  der  dar 
GrOBBTatar   Mbert   "espekt  liatt««     ^enn  er   ein^a  "'utanfXl  bakaa*    aa 
brauehte   ale  Ihn  nur   ^inzuacU'tUan  mlt    ?inea  st^IireekerreiXendai    BXiek 


I    ! 
I    f 


-  14  * 

unc   alt   Ihrtr  tT^oaaen  liase  drohend  Xtm  zugeweudet»    war   er  gXelek 
wleder  la  3Xelchgewicht«      lUr  beeouaerer  LicbXing  war  ueia  Brudar 
Ottai    der   nwjh  ihrea  "Xinsch  n^ch  seinen  llaman  Otto  naoh  ihraa  Idaalt 
dem  Kbnl/^    .Itoknr*    erhlelt. 

Hancha/'X    nirden  dioee   ^jrocatiU  tieBeiXscIiaf ten  unt^rbrocban  und 
die   F'-^mllle  rerB'  W' It e  ?iich  b«l  .'tutrl^,   defn  t'Jr^^^'ten  Zucic©rbiickar 
Pr^ga   -la  "  drzel8-»lntz.      Der  Ladan  war  la  ?*pirterre  Yon  der  Otrasaa 
au;anglich  durch    ilTenturoilcha   3i«i8tur«»n,    die  nit   klein^^n  i-ingeXa- 
jeotaiten  a<»B-'^'^wickt   wnren.     Van  betraf    den  herrlich  duftandan  rtami 
auf   ti^fen  I'oten  Te:ipi   han,   vor  eich  den  Hi -sen^iufbru   der  ron  una 
ao    ^•iiebtdii  ;>  ucke.      Voaa  VdrknufBrnua  t^tii^^  mpin    -liie    ^eachwungana 
'^r»ppe    »i£por»   ait   ratan  T«*pplchan  belert   und  jolderem    iitter.     Auf 
der  "    nd  waran   theatervorh-'\nepaiaelaj    jem  Xte     ingeX,    xie  Zuckortfark 
na8<-hten  und   aus   TuIXnorr  <irn  d^e    beaten  Kunstwtrka  dea  Ilerrn  Stutiig 
auaachut  teten,      Ob»ju  aa^a  man  an  i.. araortischen    mf    :oXd^nan  rot- 
»iimx^u%ix  0('88eic;ien  unu   u    e  i^Ladchant    aits  bedientan^    saheii  gar  aieht 
via  KeiXneri-i-eu   wi^p    yo.dern   wie  vorn   laiea  Persoiiol   in  einea  SehXoBi 
Gie   *ru.;«a  wucebX^iU  jjefcr^iirta  /J.eiaer  mlt   weiaBcii  Tanchettan  und 
Wtfi buan  i;churzch«£n,      \ut  ciea  £apf  hatten  eia  rie&ib'e   welaBa  TuXX  • 
LiaschaHf    vie  wi©   ':irii«n8C/iii;^t t^riii^iie    xJLf  liiren  Toup-^ea  saaaaa* 
i;ie3e     uiiderv^^iexi    )ra  iit^n  acUokoXadetassen  ait   exuea   riiulgea  Barg 
ScaXaisaiu^e   daraaf  uud  ^vundervoXXa  Kaatonldnacludtten  mlt  Krea  uod 
anceri  htsrrlleha   -tucke#    vun  aeiian  ich  Xanga  ^'eachlchten  araiUiiaa 
kbrnte    ind   Ola  rnich  ^xuvh    .aa   ^iXXererata  TaX   diehterlaeh  b88chaftlgtaa« 
lah  f  ntasl  ert«    v^snprvcha  z  iech^a  dieaan  wundarbarea  WeaaUf  i4Uiraad 
ich  ale  Tit   H^oligenuiia  rt^rochaang*     Auoh  dim  alt  Puttl  gaaolaaiaktaa     ^ 
3tuckoriifiaente   ^.iruten  nut  alch  al*    gertAiu  mtslkgawd.  tlgar  Kraft* 
Kb   war   -ica  Marchenw^lt    und  wlr  Kinde#  durftaa  uaa  auawaliXaa«   aaa  air 


f 


r-*:- 


■■» 


-   15  . 

•oilt...  l,.gl.lt.t  r.n  ,„.  r..p.ktann«..ena«   w«l.«a.eUg«. 

«art.a.   in  a-.  ,oth..ch  ...,uua  K.ff..aaa.,   das  uraprox^Ucb  ,1a, 
orr«,  "«„...,  .nr.  ^  ax.  >,»i«.i.eh«  und  JJst.rreichl.ch*  H.n-.ch.r 

«lt    rot<itwurf«iteii  Tl»clitach/«rnf    In  d.T-  i^if*        ♦      . 

u  u^mru,    in  dfir  i^ltte   star.d  uar  PaTlUaa 

*-        »        u  urbro»9TattfT  ZXmoa  und  OrObs^iitter  .ijililt 
^-if     it^i   d«r  Lu«lk3taci£e.    die  ale   fr^ua^  und  ep- 

xca  le'-ntQ   auf  aiasa   «.i8«  Offenbach 
uad  K«yerbeert   Strauss,   Verdi   unr   v^r.«,.hi    ^    »,     *     . 

"iBten  kennen.      Die  Lusik  jur    -Puooenf   e-   und   r^«^  -     .    .    u 

iu.uonie     und  tier    ..idelzkywarach 

gefitl   mir    -in  besteii.      Zu«  Kaff««  und   zur  3cho>aln<«.   .         i      * 

v*«u   ^.ur  ocuoKoxada   ueryierte  man 

.xn,a   »o«,n..a>t.B  Strle..!.   ein,  .rt  su«,..  Barehe..    daa  «it  Ro»l«« 
und  Uand.ln  «Tailt   w,,.    u„,  ^.^  Kinder  b,>c-..„  von  ..r  .rwac^,«.« 

noch  K^fldeln  ,U8   lhr,n  Gtack^xi  In   d.n  Vu^d   =ie8te(.kt        m   „   , 

'y*'      A44U  iieatecict.      in  meiner  Sr- 

a«rT  IX   aurti^jn  Toiletten  der  >  men   au8  7ull 
Oder  Suitie.    ruck^-^rts  mit   etwas  S-hlenn.     r -n    j   i 
hoben  Kr«i^9ii  und  mit    «in**»  -  ^^u 

Hute  .it  y.ilch^aarr,n,..ents   oi..  •..3.n  oder  TuU  .it  .ro.aen  Sa.t. 
«a,ch.n.     i)ie  -mf  :eBp..nt.n  S.it,  ^naehirme  h.tt.n   .u^  an  ihrer 

Spitse   die  3pcn  d«i«u    pnBaend^in  v^ii<*Y«.»« 

^  «»ena«n   \^;fXlcntn-      ogen-   Oder  S^tbandar. 

Sin   berufimte*  GecU-ht    ron   ^^u,ro   ^-lu.     h^^  h*       .      . 

-^u,,o      aus,  d«r  die  iCu^ine  m^xn^^  Muttert 

Olga,   heiratet.,    h.iast   ^i^ruhlin^Bhut-   unci  b.aciirabt   ein«  ai„e, 
entsuckenuen  Kun.twerke.      Ich   erinn^re  .ich  noch  a«  Glga,   wie  si. 
damaie   .u...h.      eln  ^.„,   fein   licht^eues.   dufti,«.   aeid  war  g.. 
Bel««ckt    .it    eine«  brelten,    .x,„,,  Ca^t^urfl,    der  ^t    ale.-  b- 


ruhntMirprdenen  Vellehenhut  harmoniertt. 


^/ft 


.   16   . 

Dieses  Jedicbt  war  abgedruckt   in  den  beruhmten  Zeitschrift' 
•Jujiend*   und   "SiapIisisBiMUs"   un&    wurdt  stlindig  bei  7eier&  •■ 
Vj   tragatiaclu  «u  ^ehdr  (jebracht.      Sp&ter  belli elt    iTOBumtmm  dies« 
aewohnheit  bei  und  icb   jeauchte  ele  dort  oftp    sie  sass  dort  «it 
Tants  Luist  bia   einea  Kach«ittag«   ©la  von   ihrera  Seaaal  ▼•■  Sehlag 
getroffen  fiel  und  "^ar.te  Luisa  und  der  Kallner  bracht^n  aia  ia 
einen  ^^^^gen  nach  Hiusa  ur.d  in  derB«*lben  Hacht    starb   eia. 
Dia  Srinnerung  nn  CJroasaaittvjr  IJnilie  iot   bei  nir  iinaer  Termangt 
■it   dan  Kiridruckaii   uieaer  Baumjartenara  und  ich  atme  noch  iaiaer 
in  der  Hriunerun^  aan  au&aen  Duft   der  3tief»utterchaii  und  der 

Ma^nolien* 

Dia     lt»frn  meinaa  iroaavat -rs   \iberti    des  Vatera  meiner  Muttart 
war^n  ciurch  eigena   \rbeit    reich   jeworden.      Auch  hier  war  ea  dia  Up- 
grosaButtert   Katharine  Sohr»    die  hauf ta^ichlicht    wia  dia  Jroaaaama 
Kmilia»    d^s   Jeld  rerdiente.      Sia    foJmten  in  Libochowitm  und  aia  Ur- 
groBsffiutter  rau88te   au   aen  Prager  Uarkten  .^nfa^iga  lu  ?usa  gahan,    ain 
Mnrach  von  m.ndeBtena  mehn  3tunaen.      3ie  muaate   aurch  eina^ma  Waldar 
und   einen  ^erg  hinunterat   lien,    nn  deaaen  \biiang  Tiela  Jahra  ap&tar 
dia  YiXXa  meiiier  Jraaamnina  limiXia  stand  und   iroasMaaa  }j3Biiia  «r- 
»ahXte  una  Kina^rn,   wia    .la  Urgroasffiuttar   achwar  bepackt  «it  3toffa« 
au  Karkta  *og,   wtihrend  dar  iK  UrgroaaTatar  aich  aainaii  hebr&iacha* 
StUQiaii  ergab.     Fur  dia  rothaarigat   blauJIciga  Urgroaaaiuttar  gab  aa 
abar  nichta  harrlicharaa  aia  diaaan  UrgroaaTater.    dar  an  seblBar 
und  elaganter  Kann  war.     Spater  konnta  alah  dia  Urgraawuttar  aeton 
einan  Wagan  1  iaten  und  dar  Jawailiga  StugUng  wurda  iiiitgaiia«««. 
iroaarater  Ubert  araahlte,   wia  «r  aia  Saugling  znf&lUg  i«  •!«• 
Kiata  auf  da«  Kutacheraita  fial  und  diaaa  ««  Oiucl  auklappta, 
al.  dar  ^agen  u«kippta-     »«  -ai-alta  allaa  auf  u«d  fiUir  mmdk  Hauaa 

^  1  'l^ 


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t. 


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I'' 


.  17  . 

uii4  naoMtfi  di«  Urgroasmuttor  all««  Abgtladtii  hatt«ff    mriauTtm  sle 
0ie)i  mB  lhr«n  Siiugllag  uAd  fancl  llm  nach  laxi^«a  3uch«ii   •AclXicli  la 
b«s«gt«r  i^l8t«.     Sid  hatttfii   cilntf  l£«a^«  Illnder*    Jross^iiutttfr  Marl«» 
dlt  )<'utt«r  Mtfines  Vaturs  uiui  deii  ^ai^oiiiiaf  tdi;  Zajmarzt,    dta  lc2i  solion 
gfUiS  Am  A^f^nj  ^tschildert  h^bet   und  dtn  liocholti^ai^ten  dtelnrttlehan 
Brudtr  d«»   CrroBavateret  i!orlt«f    der  in  Prag  eino  bek  u.nt«  H«lt«r- 
fl^sur   !■  Bnu«i;art«n   ^ar  und  auf  mlch  turner  cl«n  Jllndruck   eia«0  Hoeh- 
adtligen  iii«cht«»   mlt   8eln«B  Htitkntcht  hint^   iha.      Ich   traf  lim 
oft  Im  Baum^arten,   wtioi  ich  Ton  uBs^rar  Villa  In  ^odbaba  zu  Tuaa 
in  di«  Sciiule    iing.      }3.r  b«ujt«  sich  voa  Pf«rd«   nlnunter  und   sprach 
mit  olr  l«ut8«Iig»    gsnx  im  Tone  ron  Knlser  ^rariz  Jos-f, 

Bit  <9rBt«  51  chulbil flung   erllslton  die  Kinder  in    dm.  Landstadt- 
chtn  in  der  ^ohnuii?j  den    Inbbet    der  ausBer    seinen  relif^idsen 
Pfllchtec  dia  Kinder  dar  Jadischan  ?aBilli«$n  zu    erziehtii   auf   alch 
nahm.      1)1  est  ^r^lehuiiti  dtiaerte  Ton  fi*uh  sachs  Ubr  bis  acUt  Uhr 
abends*     Lie  rllndcr   Xeraten  alia  Vachar  b<»i   iii  eeoBi  U^xm  und  wurdan 
barbariach  bettraft,      Ber  O'^ossrater   ariahltet    was    fur    eiu«n  Lia- 
druck   ts  a^    dia  Jun^en  Jeauter  machta»   waiiH  der  Lehrer   einar  Sc^- 
larin  di«  R<ielc«  nufh(t>    uad   sit  ganz   einfacb  auf  den  nackten  Hint  am 
•chlug.     Fruh   ;iii>^  aaa  nocb  alt   einer  Latarnt  In  dia  Sciiula  unA 
wna  dia  iCinder  aakaaant    riaf  ihnea  dar  Sehulaaister  2Ut '*Lau8a 
geban  langaaa",     Kr  dachta  aaalicht   dA88  da8  V^ort   "iiilaa'*   so  aua- 
gatprJchan  wird  und  warntt  dia  Klndtr  auf  ditaa  Welsa  aelna  ia- 
aablia  nleht  la  Morganaehlaf  sa  atdraa.     mt  iUnder  Ton  Katharloa 
uni   Jakob  Johr   (deasen  Vater  war  laraal  uad  8alnt  7rau  liieaa  Bolltt 
wohntaa  in  Leipa)    waren  \lbart0    dtr  Vat«r  aelnar  Uuttert  i'aria*   dlt 
Mutttr  atinet  Vatertt  islisabttli  und  Haraaaa  Sohrt   uad  Morits  Sohrt 


dar  tpattr  in  Prag  in  dar  Sttfana^iaaaa  tla  ^alait    bawoUntt* 


n 


.  IB  . 

aroasauttcr  Xb111«»   «li«  t'utter  malner  Huttar*  hatt«  in  Raldli^ 
nau  in  B»»»m»  in  dtr  Judi«ch«n  Sehwl*  ein«  jut*  BUdun^'  ^tkoaaw. 
Danais   «ar«n  di*  Ju<li«ch«B  3ebul«B  ••hr    .."ut.    »!•  3>ib«n  dva  8tiwla«m 
«iua  aUg«««in«  DHaua«,   die  in  dl«««r  Zeit  d«r   kufkianing  kla  tea 
bach»t«  (Jut  g«s4i&tst  «urd«.     Ilir  tlnxLjar  Bruder  Uidwig  «urd«  »*«r 
8chon  all  Zw81fjalxrlg«r  in  ain  Ssoehaft  ««Bt«el*  ,  w««  ihn  abw  nieht 
hindertai    eintr  dar  relehstan  ?or««ll!Uifabrllf<at«n  in  Aicta  Stt  w«rd«n 
»r  war  alna  ror-nelMia  Srachalnuns,   pflagta  i«  Baimjartan  auch  m 
reltan  und  w«r  in  T'ra«  gas«ilachaftXleh  -ina  ParsBnlichitait. 
8   ina  ?T8u  w«r  Lula«  Tausalg,    aelna  Kuaina.     Diaaa  Tauta  uiia.  iiabta 
ich  S'M*  baaondaro.     Sia  uberachuttata  una  mit   J«ach«nkan  und  ibr 
rosa-stuBtener  Hokoko-S-ion  ^raehlw  mir  ungeheuar  TOrnahn.     An  dar 
Wand  bins  ein  ^jr^aaa.    'ortrnit  Ihrar  Tocht^r  Olst*.  Ton  da-  t>arub«t«n 
K.nltr  ^ohwabiuaki.     Inr  B  udar  I'aui  wurda  in  .J«ns  juiijan  Jabran  naoh 
Fruiralcb  gaachiekt,  wm  uia  Laderbmncha  su  eriarn*.     iir  holta 
aich  nieht  nur  fran.o^lsoh,    aondarn  »ueh  die  frauzoaiacba  Krankbait. 
KT  wurda  K*T«Uariaoffl«i«r  und  liaaa   aich  aa-ufol^a  tauf«.     £r 
heirnteta  ana  Ohri   tin,    dia  ar  unToraichtigarwaiiia  in  «in««  U«»>««>- 
rnuB,  fiaa  BliaaaUa   sakuaat  hntta.     D<.r  Bruaer  car  3ama  ar.chian 
pietziieb,   drobta  .it   aina-  Ukandal,    d.r  P-ul  um  saiaa  om»i«r«- 
.t,lU  bitta  bringan  klJ.nen,   und   .0  ka«  ciia^a  Hoob«eit  zuatWMl..      I* 
.rir.n,ra  «icb  noch  an  dia  furcbtbar  d.prlr.iarta  nti>nnmn«  dar  Hooli- 
.alt. s.-alX.chaft.    an  dia  Tranen  d,r  "•'nt,  I.uiaa  und  an  da.  *itan4« 
aasicht  ron  Onkel  Ludwig.     Sgltar  arobarta  aich  dl.  Jung.  Trau,  il. 
.,hr  acbttn  war,   ain.  at.Hung  in  dla.ar  ?a«ili..  und  gu>.  baaondT. 
naeb  dar  i.burt  ran  ...i  prachtTOll«»  8»bn.n.     Int.r...«»t  lat  dia 
Tataacha.  daa.  dar  .ina  3ohn  dia  -rnditian  dar  FULaophla  watar- 
fuhrta  und  D..ant  dar  l-hiloaophi.  in  ^.«  wurda.     -»».  nua  lb.  ga-.»-| 


11,  f 


\*-f 


.'*■' 


iK 


.  19  - 

d«n  i.t.   w»lM  leh  aleht.     lrQ.«««u  war   -An,  -ro,.»  3ch»nh«it, 
«!•  uad  Ihr  Vattr,   d«r  Ur«rotirr*ter  nlnon,  rwrntandan  sloh  mtf 
.•Ichn^t.     31.  X.bttB  M^rst  U  Libochowlts.      CJroa.mama  harat.t. 
alt    ,.elii*ha  Jnhr.ii,  und  *l«d.r«  Ihren  Kueln.     Bit  w«r  «!«•  s.l.Utf 
boehstthwd*  ?r»u  und  auo««r«t  jeschaftBtttohtij.     Das  scimlttwrwi^ 
g.Bchiift  «  3tadtplmt»  m  Llbochowlt.  ftihrt.  .1.  fa.t  aan»  ali«ia. 
31  •  1>«sa8a«B  9ln    jrosses  Haus  alt  alnw  B«hr  >»T9lten  und  .Xegaatrt 
3ti«:«,  alt   :;«Behnltit««B  3»l!ind«r,  uad  drnuus.n  auf  dtm  Trottoir 
war  m   ^unten  Stein-B  d.r  K«ne  -A.S."  auBS*leit.      aroBSTBtar  Alb.rt 
bB.chSftlst.  Blch  hauptsacHllch  mlt   B,ln*»  Bruder  Korll*  xubbbbbbb 
mlt  aruBdBtaek.:e8clMlft8n,   %t  war   eln  mos^s^cbatteT  nat.r  und 
Bteta  von  -lii«   .TOoaBn  Kund  bBjl«ltet.      aroBSYater  war  dar  UBbar- 
«eu  Mig  ,   (JKBB  dor  "uBd   Blch  Tor  lb.   furcliten  muss.,   und  ^o   rera*- 
reicht.  W  !)■  J-Jflen  Vorgen   ..Ina  Portion  rrugel.        lima  arme  Tier 
tausBtB  d«nn  noeh  st.in<i«.lnnc  hluter   bsIubb  Pferd  herrBimen.      Jr 
wnr  *ln  BBwalttiitls  ruT'yulTi.cteT  Uenseh. 

i.m  let  klar,    d^aa   C.rb   :A«pnar  ralch  warden  uiuaete  und  =;anz 
beaondBra  tIbX  Yerdlanta  aroaen^utter  uurch  an^a  ^sen^rtUBn  Vor- 
fall.      Mb  dlB  DeutBchan  nach  der  Grhlacht  b.l  K6nljgrat.   Biasrelch 
m  Llbochowlt.  eln»03en,  brachten  el.  (11b  Cholara  nit.   Un  Junjar 
OfflslBr,   dBr  bBl   dBB    .roBBBitari.   ./oUntB,   «ird9  -.uch  kr'Uak.     3roB.- 
fflutttr  TBTBtBckt.  Ibn  ab,r,   daalt  m-,u  Ihn  nlcht  Ina  Spital  und  dB« 
BlchBrn  TodB  auBU,fertB.      Si.  pflajt.  ihii  aufo.fsrnd  und  alB   BT 
g.BUDd  wurdB.   V'.uftB  Br  lUr  daa  sanz.  Lager  «u   .Ina*  kolosaalBn 
Pr.lBB  "b.      aroBBmutter     plaUa  auch  au.gweichnet  Schach  und  hatta 
0«lBgBnh.lt.   «lt   Bin-  .ehr  solBtToUan  Kwn.   bIdb.  dortlgw.  lUuf- 
■ann.   na-sne  ^BlBSg^rbBT.    m     nl,lan.     lilna  wnhrhaft  woaantlacU. 
i.iBkB  TBrbiuad  b^b  abar  rnlt   «ln«  achbnjn  Junasn  Vann  «ub  TIbb. 


-2.0- 


.so  - 

.Ina.  .u..,rord.ntUch  ^alBtwoUBn  Ub...cU,«.     K.ln.  «utt.r.   41. 
,.^..  uooh  .1.  .c.w.,..rlBCher  BackflacU  war.   T^rllBbt.  alch  in 
,^.    .0  daa.  «1.  .lr»«   ^rank  ««t.  und  ^cUwbt   .lut.r-,-ur4.. 
U.ln  Vater  .-h.^ta  da^Xa  auch  .u  .,n  v,r..rern  dor   .rOB.««  ua* 

w     *i«-t-       k'alM  «latt«r  war  aD#r  »o   erfUia^ 
MaxiA    f^r    a^lat  i^aix«r    i»«»** 

1      w!4,.Kaan  Li «ba  iu  ilautiierf    date  dittt 

Tatsache   auf   ai%  ^nr  KeAa^i  ^ 

in-  Pfiichtaa  ais  Traabadour  Ton  ar08»m.ma  und  ku.ata 

daa   zarta»   nocn  unoaruic- v.  

Uama  war   eina  Romantl'teria. 

'    H*n   in  dar  ?nmllla  ^t   aia  abj«- 
.    ..,^,    t-auri^a     *>a8  ij^oan  m  oar  -ri««. 

w     4*  4   ni  rater  Li«b«  an  itoa  aln*lgt 

T.        n       Dla     wal   acii/irm.riachan  If^Adchai.  waran  untar 
Schw.Bt^r  Ida  an.     Di#     ••* 

%.^«  un^   •naischan  3ouTi*rnantan»   oaxaa 
d,r  .ufalcht  ron  fran.oax.chBn  und  a^iXl. 

V        >.t  und  beidB   .Btu-  XembBilTl*.      ^^hrand  Ida  ««XtB. 

-   «ri.it.  BBiir  BChBn  KiaTler.     Ich  ha*, 
^t^htata  maln«  i-utt^r  und  oplaitB  aanr  • 

dlchtata  «»  vianan  Crt  Uoochowlta  o" 

in  S.B.iXBchaft  -Bia.r  Mutt.r  dle-.n  kX.lnan 

.»    ih,   «XlB  t.g.  la  raXd.    auf  dBB  ^leBBB  otol- 
b.BUcht  und    -inti  »lt  ibr  «XXb  l.g.  .         „  ^.     wl. 

.  ^  iirh«i  bXihtan  dort  1b  alnar  Manaa.   *l. 
ilartBB  St«rcha  und  VelXchan  oiani' 

Ich  Bi.    «on.t  ulB  «o  .  B  ^^^  ,.pp.X.«r. 

nt       ^.  war  sprlchwdrtllch  In  d.r  F.i^Ua,   da  m 
!  ..t,r  aXB  .XI.  andarn  OXBckan  au  Xaut.n  bB.«m. 

KBln  Vater   ^rhiaXt  spai.r  .^b-h-b  Mhiirt«g 

_t>t8  in  aadaakBB  Tartiei^     *  ,       _-  --.   i 

■  tat.  *»  -»»  ,♦..-,  b.ifuiita*   dan  tf  «.-   1 

.X     4.,  -  <  »ti  xur  lintarhnXtuB^  ttaiiaa^w* 


-  as  - 


!>*»' 


"v 


-  ai  • 

Amnkcnlos  burtlts  ron  •ia«r  and^rn  P^aon  g^drt  hatt«.     Wlr  Kliid«r 
vart«t#ii  •ellOA  loftcr  darauft   bli  si  eh  dma  konasehc  ?han<m«a  vl«d«r* 
holtt*    wit  wlr  auch  Jedaa   Jahr  auf  d«a  «rat«n  ?rulUln/is0pmsisrg«ng 
auf  gelna  T7arnuii^  wartetont   nlcht  untwr  dla  BauB«  su  j«h«ii»   da  •!• 
au88ehlji4[«A  kdiiHtaa* 


't 


arJ«8iautt«r  liiallle  und  IroasTater  Albert  ub«r8l«dalt«n  daim  spater 
nach  ^rng  und  Ich  hnb©  bercits   cJe8chlld8rtf   wit  di*  Faollla  daaais 
l8btt.      Oroosmuttar  war  ungomein  wohlUtlgf   ijehiirtt  belnahe  ali^a  j 

Tohltdtljkoltarortjin^n  fuhrend   ?ux  und  ^jruridttt  ausa'jrddni  noch  elna 
Mengt  Inatltutlonen,     m>   z.B.    «ln  Lehrlln;j8helm  und   elnt   alien  H«ii.  j 

glontn  zugiingllcUe   frel*  Kacht.    ^ei   lhr«Bi  Bejriibnls  war   elne   so  un- 
gtheura     etelll  ,Ting,   daaa  der  "^erkthr  In  dan  Prager  otrnsoan  alnt  z«lt- 
1-ng  Rufgab-aten  wurcia.     Papas  iatarn,   Joachim  und  Maria  ^' nta,  Mnrla 
war  aia  ScUweettir  voii  Albertt   wohntcn  dam  Haua   der    5ro3Belt«rn  Sohr 
ganau  gagantibar.      '^9  war  eln  ^infncheB  Ilaua,   im  obern  r>tock  wobnte 
Urgroasmuttar  Katharina,   ron  der   ich  achon   <dr»ahlt  habe»   dasa   sla  zu 
?U8«  oach  !>ag  bandaU    ring.     Dar  Kof  war   Babr  long  und   -m  Znd%  das 
Ilofas  war   aina  boha  Scheuar.      GroaaTater   Joachim  betriab  Landwlrtschaft 
Kr  WAT  aln  auasarat  liumoryolltr  und  nalver  Manii»   bl»  In  aoln  apatt- 
ataa   \lt«r  in  aoina  ?rau  8cbraekllch  Tarliabt.      Kr    :lng  iPiit  aaln^i  Ax- 
^altarn  aufa  Fald ihinaus^iigl     arbaitats  als   aratar*   und  so  In  8^n« 
Arbalt  vartiaft*   dasa   ?r  gar  nleht  aarkta^   daas   aalna  Arbaitar  fau- 
ianstan.     ^r  hatta   cilnea  mindarbaran  Oiiubaa  aA  dia  Oiita  dar  ^^anaal^ 
halt.     In  salnar  LnocbuXd  war  9r  ran  dar  aalbatraratandllehsn  AnatEii- 
dl^alt  ainas  jacitn  ubarsaugt.     J>ia  rlaXan  Kinder  dea  Shepaaraa  ar^ 
taa  aina  gawiase  Vornahshalt  das  Auftrataus  ron  itasi.     Dar  Glpfel  <ax 
dleser  Kntwicklung  war  der  Jun;{st«  Brudar  mtflnes  Vaters*  HUcjSt   der  slch 


dar  Offisiaraiaufbahn  widmata  und  dar  d  r  Sfris  d   r  ^aaillle  war* 
yeias    :^atttir   «iIlerdiii(S8  macbta   aich  sahr  ubar  Ibn  lustig  und  brachte 
ihn  ftnjsar   dazut    zu   schwadronieran.      Und    ein   beru  JBter   \48s;)ruch  Toa 
ilim  w^Tf    "daae   er   elch  nirbta  Sch6ri«9re8   TOratallen  ko.  na»    aia  dam 
Pallid   dixuaai.  dan  rot  an  Habn  aufsx/ach  satsan   au  koxman*.      \uch   er  war 
ein  ^l^nsandor  Haiter  und  roil   yon  miiit  iriscben  k'anegaspaasan* 

i;ie  Schwaatara  meiiias  Vatera  heiratettin   ^utsitui  ;*rta  Kauflautef 
zwei  ^^uder  ^loch»    von  danan  der   aina  daa   iaua  der  Urgrosaaltarn  la 
Haudnits  ub-srr.a^*      ,:;r   zaicbnete   sich  ^oinz  basondars   dadurcb  ausi   dasa 
ar  is  3ach8und8dcazij4r   ?eldzug  Bnuchachmarsen  bekniBf    sich  in   ainno 
GraDan   zuruckzJj  und   dort    die  ^anze  Scblaebt    abwartete.      Ka  gaif^ng  IhB 
liachhTf    etjina  \bteiiuni  wladerzufiiidan  und  tr  zog  mit   ibr  als  Siagar 
in  ^audnltz   ein.      ^^eina   lro88altr;rn  "ohr   oplaitaa  in  Llbochowlta  tjine 
grosoa  *'oila.      !Dar  Groaaratar   war  hiufig   3a«aindaT0r8tand»    die  Gross- 
mutter   uibta   i^roaszu  :ija  ^ahltatL^ei  t.    Untar    ^ndern  3chutzliiAgan 
wnren  vi»r   Geachw^ator  I»ngai»   Waioan  nach   «in?«  T^abbln  r  und  Chaaan  - 
Ottiiiat    dia  -jinj  b-ruhmta  iwiariar   ;)ial«rin  wurd at   T^  :rta»    elne   Bangerla 
und   zwai  '^rudert    ron  danen   ainar   aln  baruhater  Liri^^nt  in  Ijautscbland 
wurde.     Vit  Ottilia  hatta  ich   aln  intarassantas  }s.rlabnl8t    Bar  baruhata 
Physlicar  r;inptein   ^rw^ihnts   ainmai  mlr  gagenubar*    d^iaa   ar   ao   garns 
aina  Bagiei tun,i  zu  tseiiian  Vloliaapiel  hM.tta»    **abar"»    sagta   9T9    "da  loh 
salD^r   8dhr   jut   Bplaie»   naaata  main  Baglaitar    aln    rlchtlger  Kuustler 
aein*   una  i^h  jlaubat    Ich  flnda  kalnea»    dann   <%lie  haitaa  aich  fur  so 
herro-rfi  randf   daas  Ich  furchte*   nicht  aa  sia  harajaraichaa  au  kdnaaa". 
Ich  aa^te  Einj  t  aia: -Ha^r  Prof  assort   Ich  wrde  sis  mlt  siaer  KlaTler- 
Bplelerin  bakm  ntma  bent   die    alne  ar&tklassige  Xumstleria  1st  und  dia 
trotzdam   aina  sahr  baschaldene  alta  Jungfar  lst*«    "Hah  Hah" •   lachte 
Kinstain  9U8   roller  K*hle»    "das   is  t   das  rlcbtlga  fur  mleh.  Da  wir4 


-  ai  - 


-    24  - 


'«<» 


■8ln«  frmu  nleht  «if«r0uehUg  ••la"«   leh  mirda  spater  Ton  OttiXit  sit 
•ijusM  ?«•  als   iiiiifti^«r   ^ast   eiii^«?Xad«o  und  kormto  Kins  tain  auf  di«a« 

^^i^hr^nd  di«  aross^ltdrn  noch  la  ^ibochowits   wolmteny   Icauftc 
arOdsmat&a   *sin9  Apotli«k«  ait   •iaea  Haus  auf  d«a  lli^uptpl-^its.      Git  b«» 


atimiat^t   dass  ofttiiB  7at«r  A.poth«iker  w^rdtn  aollt9»    um     1^b%  A.poth«ic« 
spatdr  xu  uberiieiu&^n*      ILnin  Vator  hiittt   swar   die  Aboichtt    die  wiss«a-> 
Bcliaftlicht  LauHialiii  anzutret^n  und   »wnr   j'E  der  ^r^i^er  Technik,    -sro   •r 
3lch  fur  Krlstallojr^phlt  hnbllitleren  w/ollte,      \ber  der  B«f«:il  m&iner 
Chp^Bsrautttfr  kopft«  dio8«  doffnujigen  und   so  wurdt    ^r   ein  ianx  jewdhn- 
lichijr  Apothekert    und  noch   uozu    sollte   er  sein  L  ban  in  dies^r  kleineii 
Staat   Tei!7riu^«nl   i;i  ?8«r  trauriga  Kmp  skt   hind  arte  Ihn  nb^r  nirht*   um 
die  Hand  »eintjr  Mutt«r  lu  kaapfen  und  in  'ier  b^wuesten  L'^ube  ruckwiirta 
in  lart-in   fial   ©r  vor  22:amfli   nuf  Jia  Knit  und  bptt   sie  flehentlicht    seia« 
Frau   su  w^irc«n.     M'^ine  ITutter*    die  damale   00    romnntloch   npjr»   konnte 
nicht   andtrc   nle  iim  beida  H  nd©  zum  Kutse  zu   r«ichen  und  ein  Jawort 
^u   fluatern.     Beiae   iuhrmu  nach  aer  Veriohung  nach  ^rag.     I'ein  Vatar 


wurde  Tiro  in  dar  Apothek# 


a&  kleinisn  Bin?  bei    yin^m  Apotb«kcr» 


der   -ie  Ctewohnheit   hntte»   wenn   ein  Angeatellter  ihn  irjjsrte*    durch 
den  gwiixen  '?^ua  dem  Unrrlu'^klicl^  n  xuxurufon  "S*   Vioch!**. 
Meine  i^utter   ^ohnte  bel  Onk«l  Ludwiji  und    ^inte  Luise.      3ia    sX^  Ao 
ein«  Scnuiet    in  eine  aog«no'jint«  ii.r£i9hangBa  stall   fur  hdiierd  ?ii cuter 
und  war   eine  herYorrat;enae  Schalerin.     Sie  liebte  mre  I-.^hrerin   ab- 
gttttiech.     Dieee  i^iebe  h«itte   «jin  trauri^ea  Hach^oieli    ale    sit  oaniieh 
in  der  deutsch«n  Kacherxahlungattundt  ein  Thoma  aue  ibrer   Juj;end  in 
Libochowits   behandiXtat   ar9^Tau<^^tt  oie  das  tort  •yebblch*.   Die  Leh- 
rerin  stoppte  sofort  und  aagte  ihr»    dass  das  Irein  dtutacbea  Wort   aeil 
Keine  Muttar   aurde  duakeXrot  TOr  Schaa  und  aagte  Ihrt    daas  das  nieht 


Mo^Xi.h  w".r..   denn  ihre  kutter  g.braiicht  die...  Wort  aUndig.     3)1. 
Lehrarin  wurd.   .tr.ui  und  be.tand  *alnuf  •   da.,   dia.e.   -ort  nieUt  -^ 
.orko««en  aarfa.   da  e.  J.U.ch  ..i-     ^ane  Iluttar  brach  in  Tr^nan 
au.  und  dnait   wnr   dieaa  Lirbfii  erioce  baaidet* 

Im  Bnuee  der  Tata  und  dae  Onk^Io   «rlebte  I^a«a  iilnge,   ran 
dena.  aia  fruaer  .  ^ch  keiua  Ahnun^  hatte.     P  r  Onk.X  hatta  ain  U.- 

A*      4      -  ^«,->  ..iT-ittet^n  ?rnu.      le  volX«t%nrlig   aein«n 
b«8TerUAiti.i.  aiit    aiA^^r  YsrUoiraxex-s«  rv  ^» 

T»      I    .,  t.-,T.i.rh        .-   ei€te  nir   anmal  auf  aieae   leben»Xan|Xicha 
?reunain  deutands    "D*   B''^^"    alnmal,    m  m«,«T*r 

?^.u  ,u..,h^.   S-forag.'     /ir  .,fl.l  <1U..-  ^I-^^  ^"^  '•^«*'*  ^•"'»- 
der..   a,ru.  .1.  a«tt.  d-r.al.     chon  ein  rlchtlj,.  B.rtch^n  *uf  d-r 
0»Tiip?..     ^i.   -ar  r.b.r  iu.s  r.t   ,lt«la  «*  .in.  .'lin«»d.  Kart.n.pi- 
Urin.     Di.   .i>i»i««  r.ch.estcr  «#!'.  r  Mutter  T^rloM.  alch  uilt  .in*. 
«ehn  J.nr,  iXfr^  K.m.   d-r   rich  -.la  I^oktor  Juri.  «ub<j.I..     ii.  at.llV 
,i.b  ,b«r  nnch  <i-.r  E.lrat  h-mu..    dn.e   .r  d.u  Doktorjr.d  noch  nlcht 
,r»ork..n  i-tt.  unci  ao  -u.uf  O-.-oa.o.m.  auch  noch  ..In  ritudleng^ld 

so  k«  .e,   d,..    ;roaM»««  «crtrc-«lrai  dl-  Vit^ft  noch  ein-al   erl^ 

-   1,-..  v,t«r  knu^-t.  Jl«  oM  :uua  a»  AltBtidtw  Ring  alt 

^    ..        •      j_  unma  ua  krilnoB  '''rtis   »■  Land*  l«b«B 
der  Apoth.k.;!,      "ZuBi  ..lahorn-,   d*  Varna  ua  K^inm     rm  » 

.out,.      aro«.«a.a  ba».3a  ia  Pra,  dr,i  iau«,r  und  Jahr.Ia»«^h^t. 
.1,   ax.,  ,ig«,  ^,uipa,,.   in  d.r  «x,  .u.  i:ore.  1-  .auiM^t.n  fiite. 
uan.    Ut.rn  .oUnt.n  .uar.t  in  d  .r  .,ihn.t.«tr«..  und  u>,«.l.d.Xt- 
dann  apater  in  dns  H-a.  .Mtatadt.r  "in^  31.     P.p.  .rrlcht.f  «»- 
.chli.»..nd  .«  CI.  Vpothalc.  ,in.  .cif.nf.brlk  1-  alt«t«iaich.n 
gr....n  Hof  ...  H,u3e..    ,r  T.r^tand  «b.r  nlcht  rl.l  dar...  T.rl., 
ein.  Hen..  ^.1-   u«d   .o  «u.«te  "Jr.cam^a  .ucb  Ihr.r  .w,it«i  Toc.lt« 
noch«,i.  .1.  .     It^ft  aurxahlen.      M.  .poth.k.r  b.iribrt.  .1<A  «a. 
Vater  abir  ..hr  3ut  und   di.  A;)otli.k«  «urd«  .in«  d.r  b«st.n  ^rmtrnj,  ^ 


-   25  . 

31.  .«  1.  Bl.<,««,i„.til  .U  l?.h.,onl.db,ln  ,ua,e.t.tft.   -Ut   .laer 
.i*.uartU.„  uhr.    dl.  Ihr  Zirf,rnbl.tt  1.  .-aWcr.l.  ««eora«,t  hatt. 
«Bd  etatt  d,r  Z,lg„  -ar   eln.  ^.^^Ann.  3chl.n.T«.      Im  Mu.,u.  d.r 
ntadt  -rag  a-  l^.n. -X.piatz  .ar   ,ln.  ,anx,  Apoth.k«elnrlchtung  au. 
d«n  «ltflalt.r  «lt  ^««  .l«,n,rtls,n  alchamlatl.chw  .erufa  und 
gro.«.„  iinh«rn.rn.     Di,..  ,vp.th,ic.  war  fruh.r  .1.  Elnrlchtung  1„  un 

Stad.    s«ch«nlct.      Dna  H.ua.  Me,a   .uch  aea,.ge„   .-Zum  :iln.orn-.    well 
elch  1.  vittelnlt.r   ,1«   ai^«n«rtlg,r  Vorf.U  uort   abg.B.ieU   »^tt.. 
Dl.  Tocht,r   des   daBall,,«  B,«lt,  r.   fi.l   .u.   a.m  Veneter   auf   al„, 
.ufalil      Torb.Is,h,nd.  ncb^m  rd.  and   brach  a,n     idda*  aln  Horn  ab  um 
bUab  ,uf  ,!,„  ran,  .«  L,b«u.     ii.beu  unaar-  Ballcon  war   .in  R^ll.f 
angebrmcht,    das   ©In  Kind  in   Jr«tchitnt^-^h*   ^        -.    .  i 
Schnf  cilt   ein-B  !forn.      Kin.  Insrh^-lft   «n«..hit        4 
?r'^nx  Kafka  ^efl«l  daa    '-.oas   ni.^«i-;/t«  <.  ti 
Hol«jltt(ir»    er   aagte   eiiuaal:    Vsei^n  aan   eln   Bolrh—   c  *4 
Blgen  naant,    mua.   das   .^.n^    I,eben  davon  b.alnfiusst   cardan. 

Andar.  Kin.otu.er  dlaa,.  u,„3„  i,„,t^„  ,^^,^^^  ^^^^^^      ^^   ^^^ 
elnar   d.r  Baalt.ar  s„wung,n.    da.   SchaflC*     zu    aeateijea.    uad  mit  li- 
.«..«*aB   *urde  d-,»ni..   .acta  d««  drelaalgj.hri....  Krlag  die  ,.n.. 
Uchactxlach.  I.t.Ulgen.  «nd  ihr  A.,1  auf  a.   Utut.dt.r  Ring  „r  d« 
Rathau.   gakdpft.  Da,  Kau.  hatte  rl,aenh,ft«  >C,il.^   u.d  bei    eia.r 

R.paratur  faod  «ai.  .in,  unt.rirdi.cb,  Ualle.    di.  m^ln  -ruder   an  eia, 
theoaophiach.   >.,U.chaft   T.r-let.te,    dl.  dies.  H,Xi.  i„   «i„,  ^i^h. 
umwandeit.,     V.n  fa«d  noch  elne  uraXt.  Luftung  dl..ar  Hall.,    .o  da.. 
.1.  frl.ch.  Luft  bekon^en  konnten.     51n  rjang  fuhrt.  bl.  wr  Th.in- 
klrch..      In  dieae.  altertfilchw  Hau..   In  d.n  wilarti^en   El, 
•  ehufw  slch  main.  KUarn  .In   .chon.a  .',!■.      sie  hatten  ,r^o... 


«.(> 


r^t^ 


^e8«il9Clyift«nf    Koetambilla  warden  nbgehnit«n  and  ieb«i.da  Blld«r  J*- 
•  t«llt.     "an  fahrta   Jottha*  8  Xaskanftaga   auf,    die   ar  In  rtfich<*r  Auawahl 
far  dia  Weliaarer  39B«ilach«ft    iaachrlwb^n  Uatt««     '^a.  t«  Ida  und  Kaam 
aowla  viaia   ?reai.da  daa  Hauaaa   bat«iXi.;t«n  »ich  aicht«rxach  uud  T«rfaa»- 
t^i  "haat«rstacka»   dla  dnriO  van   der    i^ae  Xachaft    aufgafuhrt  wurdatt^ 
Bia  l-ibenden  "Wilder   wnrtti.   ffl-?i8t9n»  humorlsticctu      So    eri -aera  Ich  «lcb 
fin  ein   l^bend^B  Biid#    i^u   .iero  una  laandor   carat -all^jn   aoilta.     l;la 
Hero   »5t0s   ^^uf  ^xu^m  i.^zimu  im  griechischan    ^ewnud  and  lander   biondar 
er-ckat    iu  der  Hand    «ina   brafuieuaa  t  ^t%9.      D#r   Lif^ader   1   g  auf  daA 
Bauch   -uf    .*ine«  r>eG8al   •sbenf'ila    In  jriachiach^r  -^racht,    blickta  »tt  Ihr 
auf  nit  T«r^w«iftslten  JeaichtsauadrucV,   S-hwiEmb^wairungen   auafahraad. 
Ich  eri..nera  mich  noch  ^n  T-^on  und  UMt  aU   "  nael    ^nd   ^retel  verklel- 
det  und  ien  Kinderr^ira  ^us  Humperdinck' o  3pur   sing^iidt  "laiJi^l    bint 
eiuaiai   her,    riuguaerua  dno  iit    nicht   schw^r*.      Und  ich  ^rian^ra  mich 
«B  Mliien  Vater  ala  Cyr^nno    i«  "^erierac   -nit    elner  uniiehuuran  ba«uchta- 
ten  rase  und  m  Ane  ''utter  -U   -c^mr^nm,    wle   ala  ih«,   d«r  Ihr  e^t   seinan 
■y^ntm   ujiiufhorlich   e^ina   Mebe   er<i.rt^,    etu^ai  und   ^ana  Imisnum  dan 
Kopf  achuttelnd  dan  ^.uck^n  kehrt«.     I)la  ietata   aerartiia   iu^ti^a  Veran- 
stnltung  hnbe   Ich  schon   ^le  Braut   mitgetnacht. 

^er  nhllOBOoiiiacha  Kreia»   tian  ich  noch  ^pater   achiidorn  wtraat  t^ 
Wiatriitete   fur  SylTester    ana   -heaterauffuhrung.      l^as  Glack   ^raa   Toa 
Uichter  '^'r^ini  K«fka    ^eachriab^n,    i&uaai!i:r.en  «it   aantim  damala  beat«l 
Traund,    de«  Kun.thl  itoriker  Oakar  Poilak.      i*a  wur  elne  V^ruikung  dar 
BrantnnophllOB^phia.     !>!•  TlauptrUla  .pielta  Oaknr  PoU^ik  und  »war  dl« 
liolla   daa  ^>Iter  ron  3toliin«*     Dleaar  phlI06ophlach-dlclit«riach«  Krals 
wnr  aber  achon   «o»u«agen  dla   awalta  Stufa  dar  Kntwickluiig  .alner  HUttar 
Dla  erste  ^tufe  w»»r   dia   Ton  mlr  b«raita  gwchlXdarta  laa«il«chaft,   iU 
slch   -^uf  dam  n^utachUbernlan  -rag  aufbaut*.        Dlf   Judan  havtaa  dMmU 


.   27  - 


1r«lne  Ahnuqs    asTont    dass  man  Ihr   ochtes  I;eut8chtuB   ^ixjanl   answelfelo 
kdnnte  und  T«rlr#hrten  ait   ihren  chrlBtllchsn  2Ciiinatloiiai«n  auf  das 
herzllchst«*      I>«r  rittel!^ui.)ct    der   dimall^en  deutschan  O^siischaft  war 
das  Deutsche  Kaaltio    im    iraberif   wo    sich  aas   £;e8<i4.i»chaf t  iicas  i.ebsn  zlub 
grossten  T»il    «^b8plclt«»     l^«ln  Vat«r  v«rbracht«  aen  ;'^chmltt3^  ia 
LeBezimCier*      Vortrti«  warden   dort   ver^'iitit^  Itet   und   anter   Huaeren   aprach 
auch   dort   Theoaor  ^.rzl   una    lobte   jroaaca  I^rst^unen   -ue.      Ii*   at*m  rel- 
zoiiden  Hokolcosaal    rurlan  r.oBturaUaile   Ternii^taitt^tt    fur   die   zu  K'^uas 
wochenlnng  Vorbereitun^cin   jetroffen   Aruruan.      liii.es   d«r  ivortume  c^efiel 
Elr  {^nnx   b«yoiider.)#      j-b    war   aie  I>ur8tciiung   eii.er    '-'eria.      ^ima  a!»tta 
ttin   :>erifarbit;«a  ocrileiarko^^tum  an  und   trU|{   BO/in^nscrurruartig  zu^aa- 
menklappbar    eina  Vuechelform  r.it   oich  herum.      :jii4   aiiaerea  i^oatum  fat- 
ten dia  '^chwastern  in  ril»  Egypt iecha  ^rii*z«fcsi:^<jn  una   z^.jen  hint«r 
sirh   -ine    ?r#»»«  lajerfi  ..-ur   lalt  Pfnuenwedei,        Malaa  ITutter   und  lueina 
T^nta  waren    nis   g-ii^tvoile   ^r^uaa    o^icunt   und  waren  a«iir   ehrg^izif^ 
Unter   ihr«n  manulicnan  ^artii*jrn    vareii  viela  3^hrif  tst  ill  er    $    dia  la 
jewbhniichan  l«u'b«n  i\«chtanLnw  ^itf »    •v^^'Zta  uaw.    jrnren.      ISlner   yon  ifmon* 
Dr.Bondlf   war   ^In  rerbiso^ner    J'lnj^geEallat    der  linmer  beanuatsta*    dass 
ihm  ktfina  ?rau   Inponiaren  kdi.ne.      Ifuiiia  "utter   und  m-inc  "ni.te  nahman 
sich  vor»    ib«  einen  ''>treich  zu   spielan.      Sia   bra  ht^n  iiin  d-^zu,    auf 
eine  Zal tun^a^UiOonca  mlt    der  Ciiiffra    "Herilla^t    ^inar   damaia  baruhmtan 
3i'.#armpld  f    zu   nntwort<»n.      Und   «»   entwickelta   sich   ain  Priefwacheelf    dar 
durch   zwel    J-^hro   "nhielt.      Der  reriiebta  Doktor  ^ondi    las   dia   in   uai- 
nen  lagan  ^o   herrli<»han  ^riefe   la  Kasino  s   inan  Fr'jundan  vor  und  mein 
Vatar  kaa  nach  H'^ueet    ziti'jrta  of  tar  3Uza  «ub   dlasan  Bri^fen  and   aa^^ta 
dann  meiner  "utteri    "Dna   iet    eln  Wrjibt    so   at  was   wurdest  Du  i^icht    su 
•tanda  brinfjen.*      ilach  \blauf  des   zwel  tan   JF»hrap»   als  das  Dr^in.ien  das 
Tarliabtan  Dr. ^ anal   schon   an   stark   gawordan  war  und    iia  g^tnza  ^ra:xar 


^(T 


-    28   • 


aaselXschnft  iierilla  bar  its   zitlertat   wattetan  dia  zwai   ?rauan  alt 
Djictor  ^ondi»    in    ^iner    g'-oaaen    }e«elischaf t»    dnee    sia  imatanda    sain 
mr<3an»    iha    lia    trosttte  Uebarras??hun :  seines    Lebens   zu    T«rsehaffan« 
i^oktor  Bondl    lachelte  hdhj»iach  und  sa^zta    *in«n  harrlichau   Diamantring 
ein.      Mo   beiden  /r^uan   sa^tt^n   d^iOif    a-^ss    t:ia  i^ia   noch  in  aiesar   Stunda 
iseriila   voratsilan    rurdan  una  klarten  dia  Sacha  «uf.      DoKtor  Bumil   war 
so    betrjffen*    diss    er    vor  Schrack  itr-inic   •.urua.        Kn^igw   Jatire  war  dia 
Trtrunaschaft    ..wiscnan   ina  una  uan  ^   hwrctarn   /jeatdrtf    ab-sr    er   iilxaD 
Jvin '  ^esaiia  und  wrr  unnn   si^^iter   noch    2lna   b^iciijit^j   wrschcinung»    kiclB 
und   alck   ale  Bac'iaittjr    das    Xan^jent   mnjern  Hujo  Jalus.      Ktban  liu^o 
Salus   wirkte   r.uch    "rladrich    '.dl^jr   'via  I-ichter   in   dieaem  ilreis.      Rilka'i 
2ltern   waren   zw«r    in  '^^ag  und  Hilkes  Vatar     mit  harrlichaii   blau><an 
Vugen  und    eiuea    .pitibart   war   eine  bsk-Uiiite  ^.rs'^hai' unj   auf   dea  T»rajj«r 
Grabei.korao,    ^^ber  Rilka   a  ilbst    t-at    nicht   hervor.      Verfel  hnt  oeina 
ersten  dichterisc^an  jilndrucka   von  cieeen  Lichteru   erh'^lten.      Da  m^sina 
vit-rn   eine  ?heat;srlod;«   ftbonai^rt   hatttjn  und  a-oasmu^tar  Kallle  und 
iroasyiter   Mbert    im  ^a -terre  aboimi^rt    w^iren,   hatte  14i     ala  Kind   oft 
3-legei.haitf    die  dautscha  J-fsellschaft   zu  b«obachtan.      3  .hr  intvjras»isr- 
ta  tnich  in   einjr  ^ertarreloga  dar  ^^eiharr  ron  L^irjasi    der  aussah   wis 
ein   ZwilUii^sbruaer   ron    \ciolf  yon  Yanil,    se  r   kleln,   mlt    elnai^Kalaar 
?r-^nx  JJsafs-Bart.      ..s   hiess.   dass   saina  ?lrma  dia   S^nz.  •.oldauacUlf- 
fahrt  beherr.chta.      i.r   war   «ln   -roaser  Kan.tsiJiien.    aan   sagta  ron  ibsip 
dass    er  k-.ina  badeutendara  \uffah-un.;  Tarsauata.     Dia  I-oga  glalcli 
naben  dar  Buhna  war  dia  1  iraktionBloge.     'O  .\ng^lo  Keuaann  alt  .alnar 
?rau.    der  Gch-iunpialerin  Busks  und  dea  Tbaatarkrltlkar  Tawalss  sass. 
Vaina  Gutter  und  aalna  '^^nta  rarsaumten  kaina  '^sgnarauf fuhrung  und 
auch  dia  baruhmtan  V.if astspiala,  dl#  rlalt  Baral-thaltan  Tarelntan. 


wurdan  basucht.     So  sah  man  So..nanthal.  Kaln.  und  cm  Koaponistaa 

~0 


-%'>>' 


.   29  - 


Aueh  di«  bilcLe^don  Kunste   splolten   elne   «;ro8ee  Kolle  la  L«b«n 
dleser   auf  reln«]2  ICunet-   und  L  bonsgenuss   olngestallten  3anerntion. 
Au88t9ilungen  wurdan  b«8ucht  und  (tin  jahrlicher    \U8flU(:;  nach  Munch«n 
zu    Jla«pal(i»t»u«8tellungeii  war  Pfllcht,      He  Gehwester  meiner   Tuttart 
veXbst  Vfxl»rin9   gjrundete  wit   ••liilgeri   ^indern  Kanetieri   nen  den  Klub 
deutscher  Kanstlerlinen^    d«r   elner8t?it8    ^In  Fitti2lpun)ct   des   Icunstl*- 
ri8ch#n   und   cJeiatljon  "'rag8   wurdtt    und  iad«rer8t5it8   durch    .^richtung 
einer  unentgeltilchtn  .'Ittags-    und    Xbondlcach*  fur  oiltteilose  K^nsti^r 
^rosaen   r>«g9n   brmclite.        Zwiaciiendurch  wurden  grosee  ^  ;isen  unt^rnoaitten 
und   illes    \ufgenoMin«nt    rurdc   zu   ^/"ortrA^tfn   Tarwendett    die  meiae   *-'utt9r 
und   m^iiie  "^X4te   im  Verein   :^r«»uenfort8chrl  tt   hlelt*jn«      iJiea^r  Vereln 
wurdt   von  7r^u  "!y^hnoMf8ky  una   ?rof«88or  '^'internit*  ^©^jrana^jt   zur  Propa- 
tjierun^j  acr    ?' rau  en  em  *  nzl  p  ?%  t  io  ti     na  ▼^rmitteit©   aurch   die    Isiniadung   be- 
deateitder  Persdnii   hkei  t^in     in   rejes   ^aiati.^as   ...^jben.      K^xiaa.    xileit   dort 
Tielt  vortrige  und   war   iiLic-r   8ear   '^^uf  jere^jt.      Leider   .^abe   ich  auf  ai  eso 
Aufre^^ung   sehr  wenig  ^.acksicht   :;c;no::3ien   und  knm  boinahe  Jeaes  ^ai   7oa 
Xlalaufen  su    '^p!i.tf    ale   \ufre;;un^  inaii^vr  flutter   vermeUrend.      }:,iiimal  be- 
gaiin   sie   so  ;ar    eine  Viertel&tunde   HpHter»    aa   aich  ihre  I^uttergefuhle 
nicht   unterdrucken   liensen.      I. ire  Vortrliga   wnren  inm^r    a  hr   betucht 
und   es   wArd  Tlellel?iit   interoerierenf    daea   die  chriotliciie   Zuhorer- 
eclxaft  w-rit   jrdseer  ^-^.r   rIb   aie  ju<:i8che«     I>ie  Juaiunjn   der  d-^na  li^en 
Zeit   war^n  fur   ernste   ^ra^^en  nur  in   eelteiien   ?ailen  int-reesiert.    her 
Verkehr  mein   r  Wuttar   war  d^her  mel8t«9n»   christllch  und   durch   das  Vler- 
hIndig8plel8B  war   pie  mlt    elnlgen  ^auen   der   boeten  ?^rl8chcn  J>5aell- 
8ch«ft  befreundet.      Sine  dleser  bestan  ^«undinneii»   die   "^attin   ein-e 
Irosnindu   tri«ll#n  und  ^«rf»-nfabrik"ntftn»  I'arie  ^oec'.olf    frajte   ble 
einat^li    •?«?rthm»   wlr  Bind  doch  so  cjute  Treundlnnen,    saje  mir  gnu*  auf- 


:?o' 


.    50  - 

u        ni-  Judeu  zxx  Tesonch  ChristenblutI  !  • 
^    4«,  v^T-tf-iueni   Brauchen  aie  Juaen   »u 

3uroh  dU  .,V.nnt.cV«ft  .it   di"«r  cu  l.tUch*. 

1     im   Jre«eo»Atz   «u   aluer   rem 

,.„H    -ie  Blch  B^nOwnl   .lurch  antl»9«ltl.oh« 
.    .       t        die    alch   U««r    -i«i.r  hnupt»achUch  an  der 
.      H.n  UnWer-lt.t   and  Tec^i^   ,.«P-U,n  und  den  vielen  Judl.cu« 

Balis  7«nt(»   Ida   rr-"""   »  nfM- 

.leU,n  K»^t...   -u   ^d  .,r     .It   d,r      t  ^^^  ^^^^^^ 

.,,e„Un  .nd  aMe.en  no...at..U.n  ^^^^'^^^ ^^^^^^,,^^,^^., 

,ehllee»ilc»»  "«"  -"^'""^  '^  ,,,<„>,.,     -tdUuntf  or«»iil- 

IB  7,u»^T>n,uh«n3  alt   (llas-'r    ,  ^^^^^ 

sl.rt.  si.  .    u.T  „till8ch*<..l3end   .jewahrt. 

ltanotI«rlBCU.i^  ,UT«au.      -^"O 

v,.rt    m'Btlleh  n)>i-«ihit   '"'•''«•      ^"  *^ 
d^8.   di.     ^i^^^-'i  ^^„   .,„  ^hrlBt- 

,.*   1    Juaen  taXi.'*>«e«n  und  lueh  ol«»8  *"^<i'' 

•"  -""'  --»  „.  .„„„«„  „„. ..» ...<"  "-"•■ , 

..„  a„  ...•  -..  -  -•'"  ;;     ^,^  „„^„. ,, «...  .>. ...... 

-aoetheabeud-  und  .,,,5nllch)c.iten  nu.  d.r  ^.Imarar 

uo':8B8U«cn.ft  und  .u.  .8.  ^,  ^^  .  ^ 

^   Hi-a*r  'i-ueott  durch  sin  Hjnu«»' 

,4      ,»  7-it.   die    lerren  unren    ^ii.*    i  , 


r 


Z 


•   31  - 

wkir  die»«  ir^u  t^t^tf   ieh  oo   It  mleh  sua  Ballot  nelaent   ich  hatto  bt* 
•ond^rts  7al«nt*     Unter  dsn  ehristllch«D  Herr«n  waren  ?e«iat«  der 
D  utsch^n  Spai4c%8««,    <}in#  Kochburg  d«*  litutsehtiutst    und   eojar   aiii 
J    un^ifr  ?ur8t   ron  ^niieBsttln  war   aiiwctsand*      Und  frahr«nd   wir  taiutaiif 
•agte  Ich  lluif   ich  ware  gnnm  ber'^uacht  Ton  a««   iod<)nk<fn»   mlt    einaa 
£achkO!mnen  doe   rcitaelaaft«a  ^ailvnoteln  zu   tnn-^an*    ^orauf  clr  d«r   jua^a 
Vi^nn   ^anx   trocktn   "^ntirortetat    •Von   ein^r  RatB^lhaf iit;5c:m   ist   in  un- 
8er«r   ?«\inllla  nlchtu   btfkaaxit*.      £^t   war   «in  jutttr   Jeii'^rii   ut*d  ich  bin 
8toiz»   La   tiiant  Gr.L^rtjeatat  a«a  rwaisera  zu  a^in,"     iiacadem  er   auf 
aiesa  ^itlsa  gnr  uicat   '>af  mein  Ja  prkch  ain^ingy    war  ich   ai^ ttaaacat 
und   ($ab  meinaoi  ii'iupttanzart    der  imoiar   ^uf  luieh  wartet^t    «*in   Zaichaii» 
mich  abzuhal«B#     So   rerabacniadata  ich   Siich  YOn  dieaam  ^riabuist    von 
dam  ich   co   yiaX   erwartat   hatta.      ^iner   TOn  aan  B^aicten  der  Bank   war 
ein   irOHBert    achon^^jbaut er  Mi^^iit    d^r   aich  aia   Joetha  vtirki«id«ta  und 
in  8eixit;r    J^faeiiachaft   zo^^n  mil  iha   nn  dar  Spltza  alle  baknnntan 
Llaben   iOathas   <fin«     M^ina  Mutter   wnr   aia   ?rau  ^at   Ooatha  dekleidatt 
Hu  ;o  B^r^^'vr.n   ala  ^a^^art   und   ich  hatte   zwai  iCoetuoia  an  dieaam  Abenat 
elnea   nla  Venuattiin   erin»   und   ein   zweltas   ala  Liebe  in  ainaa  ^aakanzug 
Goethea.      Kin   nxidarer  \bend  war    ein  Soltzwegaband*    und  ein  andarar 
wiad«fruB  hatta  ?rauz  Hnla  ala  Fotto*      Zun   3oathaaband   aracfiianan  lUz 
Brod  und  Franz  Kafka  ^Is  Bipiom^ten  mix  ^rack  und  Spitz an jabaauund 
Bruatbindarnt  Max  Brod  »^it  grune«»   ?ranji  Kafka  mlt  rot  an  Band*  | 

Lan^a^B  bareitata  sich   eina  Vei^nderuag  ia  Leban  main  r  tfuttar         | 
Tor,      Eina  tlefa  Ta  Tiarrerahrung  erwackta  in  Ihr  ■yatiacha  und  rail- 
^Idat  Srlabnis^se  und  aia  wurd«  aina  f<^natia^h«  Kletsschamneriii.     Daa 


i 


tagllcha  :5aapraeh  war  bahe-raeht  Ton  Auaapruchin  Kiatzachas  und 


-'^%- 


-.52  - 

¥«3n«rs.     iSlr  KAad«r  bakam.n  «in«  »orf«naunt«  fr«l«  Sr»l«huns,   dl«  una 
Bpater   ««iir  Bch«d«t«,   da    tlr  hcUlo.  wiren.      la     moiu^r  ?r«1U«  wc 
die  Jutllsch.   rradltion  sebon  ••it  d««  Ur^roBSTater  TsrschwundtB. 
Wein  Vater  int   r.SBiert.  slch  Bpoltll   f^r  Moha««dftni«Bu.  und  •■ 
koatat.  meln«r  Mutter   t1«1    '.rbalt.    Ihn  doron  i»b«ubrinet«u,    Wim  I»l«" 
A^t.rzutrst^n.      :-.r   "f  b««innu3Bt  ron   d^n  Cehrift*..  de«  Rascnld  B«y. 
«lr.,3  dautBchBf.  3-h-lft«teiltr»,   der  d.n   IsX-ua  In  i^oU*  bracbt*. 
Sp-itcr  HiJrtc   leh  ..och  ub^r   dleo«n  ^- nn  von   Tau  -Ator  3ubtr,    dl« 
al>  ridcien  SeVr.ti'-ln  bfi   lh«  wnr.     l!«ch  cii»B«r   NUtBchtpsrlod. 
Urnte  'tir.e   (ten  Dosant^n  -*3tU  ke.ui  m.    d.r   Ihr  und  'aiit,  phllo.*- 
,hi.ch.  :t.^<l«n  j^b.      Auf  di,.,  *>!».  -urde  Ibr  J-lst  d.r  PhllOBOphl, 
.U^Bfuhrt.    aU  wurdB   .InB   riaB.igB  .lerBrin.   :-atBrnl'jtin  an  d«r  Unl- 
v.r.ltit,    and   -urde   dl.  Schul .rln  ^rofe.Bor  Uartys.      n.   i«it«  ail* 
Prafung^n  rs^  ,^ni   ,rob«rt«   Blch  zu:Ulch  ai.  rreundschaft  dlB.BS 
BdUn  ",rn.r.     PL  BrTtanopni  lonopHle   and  d«,n  .insteiUni  «1   dBB 
Teltp-obl^.n  und    r.«   Ln  abri^jen  phllo.opiU,ch.i.  3y.t.m*n   «x  d.  in 
a.r  -iv«twohnun,j  ron  .Tor^saor  i:.rty  aifrii  di.lcutlert.   di.  .In* 
K«iU3tu«    -l.ieh^-chat*     *urd,  und  In  d,.  philosochx.ch*.  Kr,!.. 
der   d,n  r.nen  LourrBZlT  »ca    ,*lBlt.    n.«h  d*n  Caf5    '.ouTr.,    in  d«B  « 
ei.H  rer.«n«,U..      Dl.-»«  KrelB   .e^orfn  «  dl .  T>o.Bnt,n  Ka.tll  uod 
^.ennayer.   nuch  -^rofeBsor   ...r-nfBlB.   dar  .ochlnfr....nt,  uo*  ori- 
.i..il,   ;...n,ol  dB.  kuhi  lo.i.ch  .,nkBn,..aPr-af..or  «arty.   .pat« 
a-ch  vrof..l...t,in.     *x.*«i»»«*.f  trat  fur  VlBlw.ibBr.i   .i».  - 
^.op.  .on  d.r  ,.Ibon  a.fnbr  «  r.tten.     Kr  war  .ueh  Dlcht.r  un* 
Ko«po.iBt  u-    -in  Sch.u.pi.I  .on  i«  wurd.  in  Pra.  auffuhrt.   d- 

T  V.   1^  v»«tt.       T-ine  eenr  Interateanta  Arbeit  Ton  Vm  war 

m  atlachan   Iiih«iU  h^tte.      r.ine  ae  ir 

ni^v,«-H  Maimer   ••Ina  HauptBOtlTa  ▼«  ?ali« 
eina  Daratelluns.   d^sa  ^^f'^^^'^^^^l^^  Uarty.  ~  ei^obara 
«  aich  dia  Tei^iuiiiii*  «  ^emin^ 


/"UM 


SV 


:.xt;rit^- 


*■■  ■       M 


.   33  - 

Mendelssohn  «ntnon«i«B  hattet  und  dles«r   erste  Kisl  halts   gsniu  so 

gshandsit,    wle  alls  selns  ^achfolger  in  Tauiiend  ahri^en  R«lch.   iir 

schrisb  ja  bsk'^nctlich  oln  Bu-h,   dao   dsn  Ju.ei.   Jsds  niu  s  ileal  is  chs  Bs- 

gabung  pibspMcht    ^bei-   seine  KnuotaotiTe   stahl    er   dem  j^nlcel   von  1/oses 

Mendelsohn.        ?r^ih-rr  Chrlbtl^.n  von  \*?hr-nfels  war   ein  t-otblondert 

bl-.u'iugl/?e^  ^l<»ss  und   8eln«  Kinder  und   s-ins  '^r^u    ^nr-n  helinionds 

\rl-r.      Tro-X(i#m   ^Inuhe   Irh,    d-^as    •r   ir^^endwie   von   Juden   »ibHt^Biiate. 

Br  w'^r   nlB  KonlcuT -iit    von  ^^ofescor  i^arty  und    dur<*h   &»lne    ^^i^idnarti- 

fen  Ifleen   et^»nB  ini'ifltrr.uiech    itt^a^n  philosonhisc^iexi  /.raio   aafgeao  .m*l# 

lun«^rde«  /?^h6rte    .ieu^m  ICrelse   -^n  der  Di-htar  »i  .   'Jtilz,    nHcnmaJs 

d«r 

UniT*%rRlt^tso'-'>f«»^  ^r   in  ''OG'ok   and   '^«il9   fur    \e8tu-tik,    ttt  l^uiitjs- 
anhiehtl-^r  Cak-ir   ^ollnk,   d -r   '.linQ   -rundUjei^ue    \rb^it   ab^r   usu  BarJck- 
bildh'-iu^r  P-okoff   o-nri«b»    deasen  T^rke  Klrchen   -*ua   ais  Stei.ii;}rns 
Brar^ke   in  Prag   schraucken,   ^«ui    Mriinn»    d-r   Ueb^rsetzer    rm^^zooiocher 
I.ite?atUT»   ^-Jfosoor  Oskar  Kraust    Schuier    lartys   una   apater   seln  Kach- 
f}Vr^rf    und    ^iiii^e   exjtiscUe  Chrlstei.,    ^le    eia  ^aron  -.auueriy    und   sin 
HauiiOT^rnner,    der   3i>it?r   in   <  sn  Pnmpf^s    Mn^rikas    at^ro,    Kujo  l^ere^aiiH, 
Max  ^rod.   ^-jUx  ^eltorii,    ''ranii  Kafka,    ri^aiu  Brua«r  v.    to    ^nnta»    Robert 
Vsltsch  und  i»och   ^iine  T-;  :jihs   ^un^ier  licUt^r.    darunttjr   .-vnaz  "erf el. 
Dieaer  ^'r#ie    *ar   Strang   ortUodox  breut-ini  ctlsch  un«.    es  k^m  au    eiuen 
Sk^ndnl,    mIb  Var  Brod    einmil    -ine  HoTiHe  ub*r      Ifben  krcifi    schriab 
und   Bis  in   din*?m,    ho-ribile   ^ictu,   -itz')latt   ^rscUanen  iifas.     Xmn 
TS'-urtellte  inn  d'-zu,    dass    tr  i.icht  mahr   eing'-*Iauen  sur^^a  una   ss   snt- 
fltand   '.ins  Spal^ung  der    'itgli-<ler.      Dies-r   \bgrund  wurde   absr   spater 
wilder  a)erbra'?lct.      riina  ^fsucherln    'ieses  Kr^ises   m^r   auch  eins  Dich- 
t^rlnt    D«mens    Ubl««j,     -ins   Judin  auts   dea  ::;udstenland»   4is  Ton  dsa 
df»malis:en  "^^ofes^or   fur  deutschs  Lit«»rstur»   3au-r#   hoch^esch&tst  und 
mit    iviroa  ^ublik^aonm  -.If^   deutachs  ichriftst^Uarln  in   sainer  Zslt- 


-   34  • 

schrift   -^ngepri^sen  wurde.      Das   war  dacials  aSglleh. 

Jro      B-^-ia  Smilis  k'lufts   eine  Villa   in  Bodbabat    nicht   w^it  Ton 
Bubentsch   #   und   s^henkte   Hie   inr^a  beiden  Tttcntern,      I^as  ?rahjahr  und 
elnen  T^il   ass  Souiaers  rerbrac^iten   wir  da*     ^as  Haus   st^uaats  Ton  der 
Pamiiie  Zaeknuer*    ainar  jetiuftttn  jadischsn  Kotab^^lnf  tnilis.     Der  tar- 
tan una  aaa  ^.ti  agenhaua    ./-^ren  a:i  t  Kopiei.    nach   gri  ecu!  echen  statu  en 
S^BCluBuclct.      ■"tr.'?      i*btt   icn  besondere*    sie  hi  ess    "Der   Jangling"   und 
st'llte    'ir  tn   floteo  ^ielenden   larten  Cf^r*      :.iese  ::ix*arucke  des  im 
T^ieasraai  er.' ti  I    ^s^'^ut-an   il^Ubes    «ar«n  bel      ir   sehr    st^rk   una    eo   ksB   es| 
dass    .^ie  riedtrra^i  vrEeit    bo   r«cht   i^as  r.'ira«.i«B  mei^.  er  Seale   ie'orasn 
let.      Lie   BCh..cen  Tlpazi.  r^^^ncje   durch  ^\ia  .r»    '^     idchei    and  durcii  ais 
sog^nnnnte  'lies  fcharket    d-ir   scUuntten  Oegtind  bai   '^ragt    una  T.ootfahr- 
t.«u  und  ?a  len  in   r.^r  ^'oid-.u  w^j^cUeeit  jn  nh  ..it   :|rojiien    }  .?8«ilBChaften 


una  ?ami  ll^-nzuB  JBSsnkanf  ten  und  i^artenpnrti  **.    V^\n    :in^  oft    2U  7uss 
uach  '^-ng*   -    durch  a«n  r.   um^^.-ten  una  durch  7ro^ai    den  '^arkt    aesssn 
scaci«9  Statuen  cuu   d  ^r  ^ait  Uaria  Tnereeias   otnL.iaten«     Z)i^Q9   3tatuen 
siud   in  al«  -unrjtgeBC?nicht«  uber j^gaiij^n,      r>is   -'^lailie  widmett  sich 
auch   cltjm  "^ad.^po-t    md  a'^n  nacata   jrouue    '.uBflaija  in  die     m^ie  )ung«   X)is 
BcLd-^r  hat  ten  Jedes   einen  Umn^m    Co   hl-das   aas  '".ad  m.-in^is  Vat«re   "Atlas 
d?r  TTijanme^f   «ein:;r  Tants  ?aa   hiyaa   ''Jrane  a^fr  H«an«r"   und  m  in  Had 
hleuB    "iro^li    A^r  ^roech",      ^ine  kjmiecae  I^pi.ods   vi  od^rh^lte   sich  bsl 
diiuen  Ausfluj^n   rsgelra^bsig*     Ysnn  w^r  im  Ochweifise  unseres   ^■f^" 
/aijesi^hts  unsere  Hid  'r   nuf  dis  i'uhs   eii^es  B  rgee   goschob^n  hatten» 
w^ij«rte    siich  meln  Vater#    noch  hdh»jr   zu   titeijent      d  r   in  der  Hoehsbsn« 
.feit  ^rzuf  hr-Uf    .^ond  *rn  raate  fur    jewdhnlich  dis  nachtte  ''itrasss 
bergab.     P-ia  nachaten  wirthaus   wartete  er  dann  in   d  r  *!offnuagt   wir 
wurdsn  uort   varbeikonzmen*     Vanchnnl    jeschnh  das   aucht    ab'fr  A^chSULl 
missteu  wir  dem  Keffen  der  Tant^t   den  nachmaligen  Birektor  Otts  Trsimd 
der   /nloah'iik  und   ->  Uerersten  K;irtyrer  der  '^rager  Juaenh««it  naeh 


-hf' 


-  35  - 


I 


■araeh  Ton  Hltltrt   absend«n»  \m  Ihn  nach  olndtt  gtnosBenvn   jlas  Biar 

M«der  auf  dA8  Had   lu  Ttrfracht»n,      Jroesa  R^ieen  untarbrachan  die  89 

SoBMerldyila.      Veln^  Mutter    ujid  m«ine  Tanto  org^nlulerten   elna 

g'*OB88U  ige  ^ohltatl^kelt  in  dem  kloln«ii  Viilecort  Bodbaba*      Aite 

^T'^uen  vnirden   y^rnorj^tf    Indem  m- n   fur    el*   bit    aer  Jemeinde  um  Unter- 

h«lteb*ltr  Age   ansuchtat    and  iLrin*  I/utter  und  meine  '^si^ta   gab«n  aeiost 

«iU0    algenan  Kltt-jln  ylal  Geld.      Lt-r  gnnxa  Ort   dtid^ivte  peine  3teilung 

zur   Ju(lenf''«i.'?e«     Ale  meine  ?rmili9  die  Villa  ub'»ri.'iBBf    war   ein  unror- 

Bt  fllb«irer   ^ntie-miiienauB  in   cer   Bevdikjrunt?  verbr-lt-t«      Venn  wlr 

una  nur   ^'uf  der  Strneea    zai  rtynp    ri^f   r:in  ung  S^^Uranfn'ynen  nach  and 

nelr*     /roHpynt  ^r   \Ib.*rt    iiess    es    sich  nlcht   n«}hinen»    den  Ijchreiern 

nnchzul'^uf  ^n   und   ^^le  zu    vorprvAgeln,      Klne   achone  ;>zexie     l^t  mir  aus 

dles'^r  I'elt  In  iji^iuii'^runtj  jebll^bon:    Ich  nnr  der   beeoiid^re  i-iebling 

von   3^088Tater    Mberti    well    ^iederwUfi  m^lne  l^utt-r   8*»lne  Llebiinga- 

t^ehter  Wirt    und  er  nniim  xich  oft   cdt   ^uf  selria  Sonzldriiuiga,    Geradt 

wnr    *ina   eolche  JacJd  »«af  /jitiatiiiii ten  beer^a.t   und   die   u'ebeitater 

hat  ten   iire  tuehtij^©  Tracht  Prujel   erhaiten.      I^.r    Jroaavater  nahm 

ml'?h  bel   d  ^r  Hnnd  und  wir    .lu^ru  uber   die  Icurza  5rurke  bel   der 

kl^lnen    '•unden  r^pelle.      In   dem  unter    der  Brucke    riitjogei.den  Baoh 

arhwamm  eln  '^npl^raack^    auo   clea  iCatieanliuen   ertoate.      Ich  bedauerta 

die  irraen  "^1 -re,  dla  knufi  {ebor^n,    s'^hon  ertrinken  o-»llten.   l>er 

Gro3BTater   anrang  luf  daa  Jelvnair  dar  T^ruck^"  packt  e   elnen  groaaan 

jtork,    d  fr   (lOT-t    In  (p    md   rett«te   dao  Un.:lurkBpf»ket.      Knch   einigar 

7eit  b«50bfi'^htet-n   yiv*    wie     ine  ma' tor XI ch a  Kr*e«  die    ^anze  Jaaall* 

u nd    3 00  r t  sm^iin/ 
schaft  bfleckta  und    trdstete.      Vis    )9Tf9)ctf;T  ^eitei^  achwang  sieh 

aein   CJrosBvater  wleder  HUf  das  Pracken^jel'ande^*  und  wir  aetsten  unsar 

Spasif^rgnng  fort  und  er      aa^rta:  "1:1  esa  Gchirelnet    Juden  beBChiapfaa  » 

und  hilfloae  Knt«en    ertranken»    das   ^iJi.nen  sit#"  Mit    der  ^^it  faaata 
/^nd  T-^n  da   aua   spr'ing  er    eiiu  ^e    "^ttr  ti.f   an  dan  3achrand, 


.  56  « 

ab-tr  die  BeTdlk.-rung  gr^PBtea  v«rtr^uan  8U  unaarer  Ftiaiia  und  wana 
wir   -UBUQ^ien.    horten  irir    .ichte  anderes   ila   -Rukulibam  Hil^tpanl-. 
Oder   -rukuUbrm.   srilo-.tpant-    (Kaaa'    die  Hand,    jnilci  ;e  ?rau,   .jnaditiar 
Kerr).     Dia  iihefr^uan  kaman  sich  baraten  in  -aian  ..henn^eie^onhaltan. 
Kinder,    die  ron   ihren  .;aern  ejr^uaaa  bahandalt     urdant    bracbta  man 
in  Anatalten  unt-^r  und  b«ei*aete  00   ihr   furchtbareB  W«rty-lum. 
Schwansere  V-dchant     li^   ecaou  .la   \baicht   hattdn,    ^ich  in    U^  Uuldau 
lu  werfen,    wurlen  bel      ebamman  un%«pga tracht.    r»U  »ie  ihr  Klad  zur 
v^lt    gebracht   Imtten.      \n   jine   oesond^re   ei.^enar -iga   -^Jpisoda  arinnara 
ich  mlch:    68    ;/fir    .la  aeiir   achon^a  V.dchan.    die     -Ina  BeknnutecUaf t 
mlt   elnim  Off Izi  :r  VmUe,   ^^ie      irht  ohne  '^isn  hli^.b.      Per  Vatar, 
Pin  hoherer  Ba-^mter.    ja^ta   3le  nua   dem  llauaa  und   Bie   ..^rte    .urch  ainaa 
Zufnilt   wahrend   bU    scnon   .n  der    l^idau  -uf  und  na.lnj  ^nd   Bioh  aan 
7od    jeb^n   ^oilte,    durch   .ia.   ?Tnu  von  dan  zwel    .ohltUtl^eu  ^'rauan  und 
in  Ihrer  Yerzwelflur«    twm  tie   in  .nrere  Villa.      I^cine  Mutt.r  nahm  aia 
aofort  ruf.     .rufta  mehh^r  Ihre  An^ebei;  und  dber^ab   .ie   ^in  r   llabaaaia 
und   3-hrlab  dein  0-flzi   r.      Dieeer  b.x^hlte   alle  Auali^ien  und    Ur  hor- 
ten   BpdLtar.     i^BB    er     in.  -..dchan  geh.lratet    hntte.      Per    bdt,e    /ator 
pil:erte   ebeaf   Us   xu   d  .r  VlUn.   ku^ata  dan  beiuan  Frau^n  der  Heiha 
nach  dia  Hnnd.   und  rer.lcU.rte.   daaa   a.ina  ^ochter.    ..^.t   dam  ..Ind 
Val   ih«  ^t  Auf/?.hob«n  r,.ia   *erde.    und  nla  Begrundun^  ,jab    .r  nn.    dasa 
d.8  TT.u.Taborana   -^in   J.nge  .ei   und  daae    ^   darub.r  ub.r  ;iucklich  aal. 
Elna  -ItUlletfarin  war    lia  .^rau  d^a   7laiachhauera  aa  Orta.    ^ua  Fratt 

r.mlXU  '.u,r.    und   ,ln  In  Tr.^  ^eV^unt^r  Archltokt  ^l.ch..    d.r   .la. 

.u.ee..ichnet   or^.nlslTt  uad  o.r  '^uf  d«  b.ia.n  Fr.«.n  T.rbr.lt.f 
.ich  in  d.r  «-.«.  lims.'^ua,,    -  da.,  wir  ..It  «nd  br.lt  sai.bt  und 


,'S»»'«;'i«fc'-'""''(|'';;?-i.  ■ 


-   37     • 

gttoh&tst  war«n»    ^o  wlr  mir  hinkaatn.     Kin  Beleplel  dafUr  war  fol- 
gtnd««t    In  eint^   ein9fim«n»    finxlgen  Hdusehin   l«bte   eln«  alte  Jart- 
ntrln,   dl«  allg^eln  den  ?uf  ale  K«x«  U%tt«  una  di«  bo  men«ch«n»chfii 
war»    dass  •!«  ^ein«n  'Jaasch^n  su  slch  herein  lieae.     Heine  I-utter  und 
tneine  -*inte  begirt ^te   ale   nber  YOll.r  ?reuci-f  talt  ..rdb^eren  and 
jun«rta  ?:rb#i*»n,    30  vie  f -ioehjiiaolkentr  Zi«3«nmil?h. 

pie  ^fliilie   h;\tt«   '^uch   cln^n  7:ir.iii«nl,Tt2   gi>acl>titt    '*a   wlr 
«lle   elni^*  V'tle   in  d  ir      oche  Tennis   aoieltsn    mS   vidL   3a'jach  au3 
?ro<5  kiia   .iU   iieeefo  V^r^ruien.    \u-h  in   der  Villa  seib^t    rarde  ^runs- 
aati'Te  aesellitkeit  gKpfi«3;t#   Hque^oniertij,  Vortr?iSver  .u;,taitiiagen 
und    -^in   ?t4naij*j^  ^ylv  iot-rarixl   ia      inter    ^Turde   ab^^jhUtca. 

Der   Lieblicio^i    tz  'i/in  r  Ifutter  wir   ein  mal^risciies    i^iudftt   daa 
eintjr   chrlatlicher.   deuta'ih- ta^hechibcueii    ?-iaiil^   jeh6-ta»     i;iede 
T?q3ilile  Uiif9»n.;r  v.»r   typi:ich  al  t-o-i^terreichiacli.      ::   r  :.r^.in    sin   ehe- 
mali.^er  Of  f  i^i  .r   and   apat-T    .  ^  ,  in  xCraakh^jit   p  insioi^i  jrtt*r   o<jat«r- 
relcbis'^Hflr  ^e-^tit-r,    die   -'r'iu   ^-ine    rhesi^iliti'j  i^raleb^rln  in  adell.ion 
Hausern.      ^la  wir    ^?in«  ubsrecalnkg    -.rerheinuA^   una   trug  die  ITleur 
der  Ji-.ig^ria      ilsabeth,    in   .a«  utirn    jtskainmte  ^^onnyfrisur  uud  auf^j^ 
•  telltc   -^U^httnk-jne.      Dae  J«Uoft   w-ir   eiiie   c/hemnli^e  ¥dhie# 
lalt   dem  ma^eriocUeii  "-.hlrad  and  ^-.Ul^mbach,   und    iin  ;r    :chcu«r.    deren 
rarjh  '^it  h-ll.;runem    1-03  In  d«r  30i»ne  ^IrUiizte.     Mn  Ob©t;5firtt5nf    der 
In  Fruhjnhr  ain  BluteUBiior    ^va-,     )rat^tii  «icli  zu  beiiien  S^iten  des 
Vuhlbachs   aas,   nn  diOBen  Uf^rn   liia  ni«d«rbu3ch^   ihrenlmit  uHt 
Apfelbaumhlut   nrtuft  yermi2chtt.u.     Line  alte  HoUbruck'e.   be.achaen 
Kit  y  oa  und   dem  znvt^a  7arn-^rnueiiliiif!r   fuhrte  zu   dea  Li  ;blingsplat» 
mein'r  Furta-.     T)ort,   uinieben  von  ilargeriten  und  bl^uen  alocken^ 
bluwrnt    im  «".hr    len    ->ann>-  der  ITischtijifiilen,    er^ab  aie   oich  dea  pUl- 
loaophlnchen  "tudiura  und   ihr-n  dicht  rlachei;    ^rbeit«n,    th^hrend  Tante 


30  - 


Id%  aalte*     %i>r  iCliider  X0({eii  hoh^r  xilnauf  auf  den  Berg  ola  Bur 
Eurjrulnef    ^o   elu  Teppleh  ?on  :}raB  und  Gansebluir^eben  Haat  bot*  Dort 
fuhrten  wir  i£it  LelilenachAft  Schiller's  Dranen  silt  Terteliten  HakXea 
ciuf  •     In  diaa^^r   po«tieoUen  Umgebung  entetMid  ain  Tfijebuch  meln«r 
Mutter  ur.d  sle  ijab   riich  dort  P.echenachnf t  viber   alle  wichtlgen  iirelg- 
nirse  ihras  Lubens.      L«i4Ur   ist    tiein  .^xeaplnr   elne   Ibachrift  melnea 
Vattrat    d'^r   jlch  die  7r«iU«it   u^^imt   "t5Uen#   die  e^lnor    \naicht  naeh 
an&tdat.ii;  Taron»   nuozui«i8a<9n  and   30  li^t  i&ein  2Te£^pl^r  uleht  TOllstlUl» 

itj.      Trota.^ti  uochte  ich     ine  kurze    \u«waiil   liler   eiufut^^jnt    da  ale 
Lie   charr.kt^rldtiaMe  .;inateilan^^  miiner  Hutter  zu  ▼erBcrxiedensn  Le» 
bei.afragen  wieder^sibt*    die  Schlldarun-i  una«#reB   internen  ^amlllenle* 
b::i.at    die   aie  ^t  wunderbartim  Humor  beiebt   und   vieie  ^eraonen   eixi^ 
fuhrtf    die   a  -r.ia   anaer  illteriiiiaua  in  bunter  K^lhe  »ufauchtfin»   und 
die  b^ruir'exi  ^rfrediAlichkeitenf   wei  he  celner  L'utter  iroaae  gelatige 
Krlebuiase  ub-'-tuit teiten.     Auch  ihr  Verhaltiiia  su  Ihrer   elnjiljea 
Sch^eat^r  *d.'i   ii>t  int  »re«aant»    aaa   *^iii«  a   nweaternil *ibe   aarateiltet 
die  jie  auiiichani  u   zu    t>rli*3t»    ihr   •jl^tjii^e   ao   ./ertvoiiea  r>^ln  ausjna* 
loaciien  und   wich  in     in  l>op^^iw^aen  zu  rer^'aideln.      Ich  zltlere   eia 
Jei^prach  mit   iiirer  xYeoaaln  Fxnet    d^r   lY^unaln  dea    jliiaal   aehr  b#- 
kfxuutvn,  A.eata«t.en  -^o  'pmo^r^*      Cle  si^jte:    •Manchmnl  habe  ich  euek 
b«jlde   rieal<i  litfb   {^elne  ;}ch4eater  uiid  ich  alnd  fur  unaere  Bekanati» 
uiiirti-uiAi)ar»    <*li*e  i^rson  in  dar  i'eiirsaiil)  •    da  kanii  loh  nlelit  ohne  euell 
aelut   iHiinciiaal  de^iice  ich  wi«dar  talt  waiirer  Augat   an  eucht   da  erseheiftt 
inr  ode  80  h^raloa  und  kalt  und  Ich  «1  ?he  mlch  da  n  fur  lange  Zelt 
Ton   aueh  ^ur-^ck.  arend  Ich  mlt   eurh  vprechet    achtslnt  Ihr  air  so 

lleb  und  echti    und  d^f.n   ^iedw*r  dl«ie   \bkiihlung."  Melne  Hutter  gibt  fiir 
dieeea  Vhkuowimut   dae  Ich  al»  typiachei  Freund«chaftaph&no««ii  lietraelit( 
wurae  '-oiu  da»  Ich  'luf  die  ron  mlr  TOrher  erwJihnte  Doapelwlrkuag  al« 


•  39- 


B.i.pH  ,nfuhr.,    fol^nd,  BrkUruns,    'l.y,  k-oin  air  ol.-n  «,ch«,l 
4.r  3mpfi  4u..«an  .ahr  ^t  ,rklar-,n.      Mn,   xet    ,ln.  »,ich.  Batur,  In 
Wlch  P  <!!•  harfn  Schrift„l.h«  u„8«.,r  Vor.lb.^rlff,  tl,f  ,ln-;- 
«r»ben  alnd.      let   ,1,  mlt   una  b,l„,«,„,    d,nn  wl,.he«   wlr  «lt   <l«i 

Sch-»?»aai  Uiisorer  una  durch  r-'lnll^h..   ■'.  t.^  ..i.  _ 

a-rcn  r  laix   n.s  ,.,  hd«nit»n   •yworbener  /UiBchauungwi 

uber  dl«a.  a,.i=..„3t,,f  .1,    iUr  n  Ub.t   1«   d-nn  far  !n,r„  Zeit   b,fr,lt, 
M  aacht   rrraclj.  Sprung.,   d,h<n.  das  ^*n,»ana  i.fuhl.     wirk,n   wlr 
ab.r  nlcM  unaittabnr    auf  si,   eln.    lot    ej ,   „l.i,   8.,x>,ct  ur.d  Ihrer  Unw 
«.bun^  ab.r.l,s»,n.    a-  .a  i„,t,B  .l«.«r  fr.m.,  -o^.e-un^.-n  und -rUehten 
auf   Ihr  und  ci,  Ic.r*  »„  ,,^a.  .Icht  b,,a-.af,n  and   y:>roteh,n 

Sine  W.lt....8ohauuu«  »   h  oeii.    tttx«x*  Ich  n.ln«    .m,   «isene.    dsw  ,•- 

hcirt    .m  u=f,B.«a.,o.   :.aturle6.a,chnftUche.  und  osycu.s.he.  M.aea. 

"ur   -uf    )runa   sachUcher  :.     ..tni«..  k-.m  „.,.»  .In.  Hyoo^h.ae  ,uf3teil,n. 

welchs  ale  3r   Inrun  :  .eB    •  altjed  •  nk,n,    dlen,n  k--nn 

bin,    waeho.   c.l.  F.rd,k.lt  hat.    In    Ue  .r    i.,   aca     :ro,s,„  -.'elt  r^dnnkan. 


'  "Ir-i.nrnl 


pun    te   entf.rnt    «eln.      J.or  rrof.Bsor  l.nkt,  «eln,    Vu^.erknn^.l  t   ..uf 
dl«  ^at    dtr   Uom«.    he^#s,    dm«n  ^^cits  cles -r  At^me     ins  -^U   fur 
»lch  int,    ..It  Zo:.a^n  und  -ianef  n,     l..r  Vortra,,    der  mein^  s.hnsuchf 
TOilen  S.h.uen   in  al«  Ui.  .rjrundUchkei  t  a«r  i^atur   eln  n.^u.s   7.id   ep- 
•chlo«B,   ma-ht^    Trous^n  Hind^u^k  auf  rr.lch.    .In.n  ahiill.hen   irle   eln 
tl^f  nnch.apfundan.0  /u   Ik.iuck.      D,r   n.mzug  dea   j.waitljan  :  .aaln. 
drlnst   in  die  aufn.hnie fiU^a  Si  .^elae.le.      A»  Ab^nd   spielt*   ich   ainig, 
Ch.pin.^ha  Pr.Xuciitn,   .lurch  w^lrh^  ich  ui a  ho.hg^Ummte  npaiinun^ 
••inar  3  ••!•  .ai^ft   auflkliugen  lieo 


.    40  . 


..•••in  latzter  Zait   baaeh^^ftigt  n^ch  dia  naathatischa  r>traitfraga 
"wfta  iat  Forsp    #na  lat  Iiihait    ttinaa  Kunatw«rkaat*   !?ind  di«9  baid«n 
zwei    trji^nbara*    rcrsciUadana  ^ajrifftff    od^r   oind   nit  untr^^nnbrrt  I^n- 
hfit.      Bi    fial   rair   folgandar   3adank«  aint    Der  InhRlt    alnas  Kucatwerkat 
ipt  dor   ^*irin  nnch  Mtfglichkai  t   (Potanzialitrt)    enth-ltana    iad^oka  - 
die  ''or^  ist  der   m  ^ir)cllc>ik«i  t    ( A.ktual.itat)    ubarja^jnxijena  Oadaxika. 
HI  *r   koiam^n  dia  beidan  \u8iciiten   ein-^nuer    ant^a.^an.      In  uuoern  phi- 
loGOphischan  Cafs-Louyra-Abendan  h«itten  wir    nit  Onknr  ^ollftk  und 
Ernst  Liai4    ^hsr   aiaoa  ?ra^an    fot^aa      ebattan. 

S.Eovaaber   i^Oo.      Ja  aiahr  >.rk-i*i»tnia»    d<?8to   mahr  Ha  teal  • 
!i:nda  *Tars   lill*   Madltitionaubunjan.      16.Jfinui%r  1901.  Meii^e  Ht^ligiont 
Sroteus:    Peta  can  ochopf^r  alcht  u'lch  i^eiiBchanirt   iii#    doiait   arni  •> 
driest  I)U   iUii»    ^r   ist   unfaaabar  in   seiner  un<i$ndlichan   Jrosea* 


Zwylt   ne'    r.ciiaffa  Di  r  nich   seinara  Voroilda  I^^ina    el^jjua    ''^Iti   in  dor 
die    T-*S9tza  D^iiiaa  L 'bana  harrachan*      D^ittena:    ?.-f;iindla  ^^ulnan  KttryoT 
und    }  'let  :ait  Varnunftf    auf  dasa  Uu   jjasund   l^baat  auf    ..rdciw 
Ti  Tt^ue:   VerjucUa  abw-rall  ScUorihait  und  Kunat   zu    fincija.      ^:ann  ^ 
mit      Ilea  Sxxuiun  uuchdtt    ai^t  Du   achon   in  dns  Keich  der  r.cIidiiUei t  ^a- 
drunjeu,      yunftena:     Ub  den  Armtjn  von  L^inam  O^lde  und  nicut  von  i;ain# 
nildtin  Gii^nt    uad  aueha  uia  Kaichat.   "^n   Jeijtf    d<ia5:jie  lis   ^ou  ihrar 
l^w^nze  jebrn. 

d«?abruar   1901:    J^ada  klu^a  T<it   lohnt   aicb  «uf  Srtfen« 
uebtrcit'laacliolia*   bnd  wia  Irjoar  wann  ich   elnar  ^irkun^  ,£agaxi» 
ubirete^a  »    riia   anerw5»rtat    eintrittt    deran  Uranchen  ich  mlr   nicht   ap« 
kl'iren  k«inn»    aberk'^m  mich  eina  tiefa  Kelancholiat    dia   stets   in  mattar 
Glelchr-ilti'^keit    endet.      Ich  mdchta  Jada  Lebenaatunda   aufn^hmaudatt 
Jeiataa   roll>    bahar-^scht  von   intenolTBtaa  Tuhlan   *»m*)find^n«      Sit  soil 
mir    ;ebani    waa   aia   ^n  aussaatar  Helfaf   7ulla  in  aich  hat.   llioht   ai^r- 


wx- 


u  . 


lloh  tropf«nd  darf  sla  lhr«n  Inlwit  mlr  schwtVao,    rsia  ni*89»n  aall 
aua  ail«»  Por.B  Ihr  Snft,   d-fl*    loldselb.n  dunft^nlan  Harz*  ^l^lih,    i,r 
daa  Inn.rn  das  Bnuno  entetromt.     Atm,n,    tlns^ujjn  ao^ht-j  ich  lora 
Pracht,   blB   alt  adr  lar  j»»M98  3«ln    :!b3t«:    dl  s  'rShllcU*  I'ortiaiijtuii. 
de  dee  .•.iitstsh.n.,   dl«  Mltt^gsjlut  dar  hOphst-n  Sntwlrilurn;  uad  dM 
Voena.  alia,»  »ud,8  X.«ucht«n.      So    oolite  ieh  die  7ruchta  .-..in.r  Ctuad 
zu    *ii.tm  iraiiz*  fiec.1t»ii   and  mir   Inn  nuf«   H*u?t   setzen.      B^a.-hwsrt 
ur.d   i9b.u»-t   yon   aoich«  ^nst.    dem  "ort-   und   d^r  ^ernlchtun^;  eit  iesaa 
row -.5«b«8*^icM  ^eh.a,   h.lsst  alcht   a«.rb«n,    .onderu  b^^raben  asin 
In   eln»o  'l-t  •(iiii<j«r. 

-°^  •^••^"»  ^^'  ^-•'tur  in  eli.,m  LlabeaT^raultnls,    als   .-nt- 

s-hUl^rt  air    oft   iUr«  T«rbor,^«.8t«„i  H.lz,.      Ich  fuhl,  nlch  lUr  m«nch- 
■"1   Inul^at    .,r.  i.at.      U.m*  ich  In    aeoeni  U«b,8r,'.us  h«  ihr   .Igsat. 
llrhee  C.ln   re.ht    empflna..    lUit    si,   r.lch  30    in  x,,,^,    ^.^^   ,,1^,   ,.^^^^^ 
aefuhle  ..ilr   fr«md   uad  r.lcht   zu  air  gahd^'-lg  e-8ch,in»n  uad  i  .-h  fral  ron 
9Ueu  ^jjsan  in  iarir  b«rulUj{^nG«n  Umarmni;    ach^il  ts  uuj  aaiu  unat.- 
t,a  Ich    m  ai,  T.riier..     ]>1.  jroaB,   Jdttin  ^Ibt    a,     :,ir  j«f,3Uit  um 
llebevoH   ^jatiirkt   wlatiup   zuraek. 

3a.i.J7,rab.p  1303.      Heirlcht  uber   eln  J.p.priich  ait  UrjroMButter 
ShTlnt,:    ...L..b^ndl^  zUi^^n  Alt..   Juinstr^rstorbexi,   aurcn  iuro 
8.hH..-una«n  TO.  «ir  auo  a,«  i.lchts.    -,11,  -iie  Vorf.hr.n.    ale  ao   .ohw„ 

am  Lc 


ban    littsn.    cl,r   :>-uadton  lot   imcier   d^raelb-:    ArbUt,   .,ol   a« 


Leb  ne.      Zwel    ;u8,..hn«n  '.Ud,n  ,ln  Urnhn  T,u.,,ig   ..^^  j,.^^^^^   ^^  ^^ 
Streb«n  nach  Lrkei.ntnl.  das   -Ja*h-t,n.tubch«,  -rhellt,,,  uud  mein 
0r>09vnt,r  Simon  -.nTel,   der  d«»  L.b.n  alB    kur.weill,,^,  ron.fcdU  uufxu- 
fa33,n  v«r»t-,nd  und  elch  b.l   d«  ernst^n  ntelUn   nnsen.v^   ,.,hr«a.    b.i 
d«n  hat.»ru  «ut  unterh-ilttn  Um..     ^r  selbat   8T,l,Ue  -rla  rortrofr- 
lloter  CUar«ict«d«r.t,UT  glan.end  alt,    eo  da.,   .o^.r  di  •  Lachwlt   11. 


-    42  - 

Doch  Kranx.  fllcbt.     ■Igtntu.llch  b.eanftlgend  .Irlcn  dl...  3«.prieh. 

«»f  mein  a««ut.      *%     d.r  3uft  der  Vohi.blut.  .chlSf.rn   .1.  dl.  .rrw- 
ten  icmpflndune.«  .!«.     !>«  Hauch  d«  •wis.n  3t-rb.n.  ItibU  di.  h.i..«i 
Schlaf«n,   unT.rruckbar  8t.ht  da.  dunkl.  ?ra««««lrh«i  d«.  Sain.  un4 

T.rd.ckt  alt   neluer  Jros.e   dl.  t igllrh.  Kl^ln.org.  d..   Leben.. 

34.    ^kU  cu8t   li»-l.      M.ln  Sahvi.ea'^miLttr  b.aucht.  mleht    ($••»«"» 
nnch   funf«.hn  J<»hr.3n  und    >«   «rar,    rIc  ob   dsr  Vartret.r    aln.r   rr«»d« 
W.lt   n«b«n   >6ir    »ltz«n   «urd..      ir   saa.   In  unaarem  Jart e&.al»och.a, 
n-xhm   ain  r^ach  nach  u#«  <ma«rn   In  dl.  Hand.    a<.un  dasB    ..  dr«l  Buohw 
.^.Den   koai...    ..i.    ^iclchx.lti  •   utb«n-t«t  und  nuf    .-In*.  Tioch  U.«« 
und   sOTi.l   0,id    kocten,    war  Ih.  ui.b.^-rel filch.      Uaua  k.imwi  all.  dl. 
nalT-n   yr«S»n.    »arum  ^U«   eliantUch  l-.rn..    *«8«r.g«n   aorl.l.  Butt.r- 
brat.   auf«..trich.i.   -arl-n,    »a.  »lr  In  Podbaba   trslben,    wann  wlr  ka». 
Miich-   und  AUhwirtscaaf t    anben.     I>««wl8cn.n   .rklirend*  'art.  ub.r  dl. 
merk«irr.l!<.  Tat.ach..    a;88   er    so   acUone  d«fa      ntinbe.     01.  iiadoJi«ii, 
.el».  ink.lfcmi-.B,   uann...   xua   clu.    ^iten  SU,f.l    »3r   a«r  Has.   ».g  und 
■.tst.a  dl.  aodsrn  lacklertaa  ror  iha  Uln.      So  mua.t.   ^r  in  .1.  hln- 
•in.chlipf.n.     lifld  dar  J  »'ua.r  ab,r  dl.  ^rl.l«  w.l.a.n  Kriig.n  und 
Ta8eh.ntuca.r.    aia    ^03an  M ideh.a  hatt.n  di.  .w.i    iroa.en  rot.n.   dl. 
.r   fur  ai.  ar.i  lUis.^or-^i.r.  mltn-,hB«»  wollt-;.  S»gnn  .In  Duti.Bd 
«el8..  T.rtau.cut.    ao^.r  --Ik.thandBchuh.  «oUt.   .r  ub.r   a.in.  iV- 
ben  abs.arb«ltatcn  Bauernhand.     .lahw.      Tmn  Ut   .in  J'en.oh  wl.  ^a 
Stuck  f.U.   haraaa.j'j'ra-h9«n  aua  Kutt.r  Srd.,   .ich  nihr.nd,  wat«>. 
leb-nd  ohn.  Abaicht,   ohn.  B.«ur3tB.in  ..In.r  ..Ib.t.   wi.  ^a  Bras  la 
dicht.n  uald   ..in-ct   ron  Alt,r   i.bro<-h.n,   eo  wlrd   .r  eln.t   .t.rt^ 

ohn.  ain.  Le.r.  xu  hlnt.rlna.en. 

U.bar  Lnngewalle.     Ich  hah.  .«  oft  .la.  8.h.l..  Aag.t  Tar  lte« 
Bintr.fn  uad  dann.   wenn  ich  alch  unt.r  Uat.rhalt«ag.l-cUr.  hla*.»., 


-  4J  • 
sprlelit  ctmis  la  mirt   Du  darfit  dloh  elnaa  •»  niohtlgen  Vtrjnujaa 
nlcht  langt  hlngvbw.    du  cusst   fur  dl«  ?ortbHaun,i  duinsB  aalstcB 
BOrgen,   dureh  Lesen  und  VePBtanan  nchwer  bu   «rf«88«nder  philosoptii- 
Beh»r  Oedsnksn,   durch  yiaderoclireibaa  von  Sslbatarda  .it«.      IcU  •chrsl- 
*•  dl«  Un-uh«  1»  -)«jale8s«n  «elaer  nwTttaen  VsrHiUajunj  su  und  jUcat 
«inm  wlrklleh  ntn-k   rfrt  «lokelt«n  Zug  ..nch  V<irTolllco  numni.   -enn  loh 
T9rt-»d«l»  Oft   3'»-»ld8eaUs   viai«  a*und«i  aaineo  I-eben..      "  eaa  icb  .ir 
«uch   T0r8..,».,Uen   y  -mn  ;.    d-^.B   die   .i>t^,a.-n«aa,t2t«n     .i^'.x.sciiaf  t. 
m.lner  Vorfnhren  In  ■  Ir    «i,.«a  T«rs,«lfaten  Kr.mpf  u»  VDriiarr.ctiart 
fuhr«o  und   d.durch  -oaae  Unruh^  h«rb.ifuhr.n.    oo  k-,nn  Ich  mlr  d«n 
frx,aUch.n  Z«„t.fld.    ci,r  ^ich  oft   fur   Un^,  2,lt    ,rfuUt.    ,ar  Ucht 
•rklaran.     Ich  b.ao,  a,na  1„  aolch,n  Au,-,^>,Uck«-.  n.luen  Bchwach  durch. 

B4cn   ^leicb  aurch  jeoen  irebei   «^1  n 3 chu ciitjrn 

Abaad«  b,i.  s   ..-,f,n5,b.n  hatt.  Ich  »ln  au88,rct   .n^«ue.>«,»  j,. 
fuhl   der   stiilan  B,frl.cii.-ua^  In  «lr.      .oh^r  k.™t  dl  .8,  wohll^.  a^ 
nutaetm,  uach  erfuilt^r  -fUcht.    alea,  Au.«,,Uch,nh.l t.    di.  nach 
einer  ganussrtlchtri  .'Uunuc  nie   slnt-itt       Wn^>»   w  i    u 

di^    nicht<*rf    das  JeBetzburh  far   aim   ^i.y^n-.«  t?  ^  4 

lichk^it  i^t   una  noch  nicnt   in  /i-iocii  und  i^int    .k 

i'x.xBca  und  Biut  ub«rg©ifaii»j9n.   iie  ist 

noch  nicht  ▼srdaut  and   er««u.ct  a*«h«ih  ^^^   la    -   u 

^j»«u^i  aetjuaib  oft  3e»chwerQ«n  und  I/ruck.   Un- 

er.en  echon  ul,  ^r«ft  una  d.n  Saft  qus  dlttser  Eahruaj 
hnben.     Wir  h^ben  dl,  Xiube  und  die  \rb«lt....« 


Phlloaophlscle  K  .rae,    oowi.  ,in  Kara  ub«r    'o.t>.  -  ^   ,* 
wnren  in  Pra^  b^ruh^t  und  brncht^a  melnt  Mutttr  «dt  ln« 


•r  aehr  Mentch« 
•n  und  ^ach  Srkenntnls  duratatM.  s. 


-Vn- 


•   44  • 

war  daher  kola  Wuadart   dmss   8I9  auch  iclt  thoot?opiU8Ch«a  Kreieta  in 
Verbin(iua<i  trat.      Zu  ^rat   w^r    »is   dit  rateelhaft©   Jestalt  dar  ^lawatlkl 
di<*   an    l»fu-jfi*jrda  dar  Schwest^^frn  arizog  und   Im  7,U8nain«nh«»nj^*  !nl  t  dl^aaa 
Studian  l-rnt^n  oia  dia  ^rnu   elnew  h3h«n  ocat'jrroicliiachen  BaAintsn 
k^anen»    die  sie   In  siyatlacha  Krala^Jt    dl«  .J:lelc^i2el  tl^  chr'iatllch  ^a» 
rli'iitet   wnt»en»    tflnfahrti*.      ?m^  b  tibtjn  Zalt    iescliifti  $ten   alch  dia 
Cciiw  ;atern    ait  waniaient    liplri tl- tiecha  n  "^hafiom snan*   m^ini?  ""^nta   Ida 
«ar   Stfibot   eln  ot?irke©  Mnuiua  und     *ir   hatt^n  bei   dleaer   iel^^^^cliait 
5#ir     iateresaante  ^ri^fbaldan,      Eln   schw^rar  '^i»ch»    «>in   ^uazichtlaoh 


j  t 


uei«dntaorochand   achwarttr  ^i»iage»    ar   i?rlxob  sich  und    r'lo^  iro  a    aiJIi 


jlnda   diis  *il:uaerti   zu«   anderni    *o    jr   iiicii  ffierkmiruig  lautlos  nl tidaraittata 

"It    t;iltaa  aerit^i§    scaiOBzen   #ittaor   uia  K9tt«(     vo^nuf  er   uich  aaatiadig 

und   Sddi«jaruUij  wi*jd^r   -in  a^inaa   iAi^  ?atanaateB  ^l»^t«   otelltt.     Ma  dar 

liichtir  I'ayrinck  b«i    «iii  ^r  B^kni4»tan  mlt  neiaer  'Gutter   Tjua^^ffijatrs^t 

flog  elua  ^i«iid'?rbur9ta   uurch  d^s    "fiua  Fanater   hwrauat    durcfi  daa   aadara 

herjia.      ^Uu  vor  JCU'-zer  Z-»lt   VitrBtOfb^a^r  Bakiontjrt    ela  Srhiffon.  ait» 

dcr     .uf   utfOi  ieara   jestorbeu   *'.'irf   m^^^fldtsta   sicii  uad  bat»   m*»n  mcchte   ceiiup 

ea  /uigeiiori.ii«a  aas  Datuai   sii^ae   Todsu   nittvilaa*    daa  aifsen  unbakaiiat 

w:ir»    da   aar  Y^tisrt    «in   f-omra-r   Judet    «»    pchmarzlich   t-mof^ndt    dia   Jahr- 

Z2it   a^iiiN#a  3j:iaaa   nirht   zu    ▼ircen,      ^la  aEcJiste  rtufa  4er  Katwlcklung 

kna  d^a  wtuulam  der  '^a8*\at-'"h«0  30')hia»    ao^fie  der  iaaiachan  Weij^heita- 

lehrjr*.      ^11  uiaaa    jai    ti^^en  j;ri«briiu8«»   wurdaa   elaaai   jrosaon   -ublikiua 

in  CJ^et:^-.!   voa     Vortrncjsn  abermi  tt.dlt  #    so   diaa   aigaatllch  Has   v:€i8tlga 

deutB    la  Prmg   rtdnai^  in  den   deiatfsa-ntwicklua^sa  dar  x««i  r»chwesttra 

teilii'^ha.     l/UTh  diena  Kor.naxloar?n  k'^man  dia  Schwaatara  aueh  Tult 

der    viitaropOBophia  in  Verbiudung.     ^uuolf  Steiaar'a  Vortr*«^a  ruhrtaa 
dan   ^r-^-nea  literal rch-JjUillosophischan  KraU  auf  uad  la  dan  aaal- 

mrtie-n  P'iuffiun  m«in«3  Mtarah^uses  wurde  dia  iruaduag  ainar  aau- 

th^o:)ororbifchan  Loga  t^aftricrt.     Ich  arinnera  mlch  aoeH  an  d*    1 


rr» 


-s^- 


' . "'  % 


''!^  -*.-     V 


Z^ 


-   49  . 

Uclx,  Au>.ch.uckun<{  m*t  umtm  iroaaw  zi«n.r.,    e.  war  au.j.riiuBt, 
aitt  d.«  wand^a  8t«nd,n  Blattpflra««  unf  rbrocu^n  ron  Straus.M  rot,r 
R-8,a.     Auf  rtan.  Vorrr^.pult  stnna   ebwf.u.   ,in  g.waltlg,.  Ro,,n. 
b.u^u.t.   dl,  rot.  oo.e  ut   J,   b,lc,.nUich  da.  Syu>o.l   a,r  Ro.,nkr«i.,r. 

An  dar  WiiTjd   hloj;    -in  KoloaaalsaBui-ie.    n«-Ht..  ii—..,      i  - 

»  i»a-jiu_ti  10,    aa^at3ij.»aa  oiu   Bcttwars.s  Kr«uz» 

u^fihM  Ton  ,in«m    ^asankr-^a*.      Ru.,oir  'it^ix.sr    -ab  d«r  Lor-  ^  „  r 

3ilaiuiOiog«,    ..ach  asm  rhiloaoph^n   -Jlz^ao,    -o^ohi    «ln«   h^n   h,  ♦        n 
^--  iv,4i«        L  .«.'i^w,    .uxiioj.   eindB   Dorancitan  Pr*- 

«er     Mlonorb-n.    ,i.    aucb  Trof.jaa,.  •     ,„   - 

«erad.   «ir.,    \rb.lt  ub.r  t,„,  '  "'*"'    '^^''   ***«*^" 

u.ter  .„«  .„..,.  ,,,  P,..aucu..x.  3t,U„  ra  .„d  ,'   "  "''"" 

^c....  .teXifn.    -u    .1  ^^*  '""""■"  ''-''— ^-.   ale  a^a. 

Au..n -.a  .„a. ...., ,,,  .,^, ^^^  .:.n..T: : '" """  "^  "• 

ci.e>.  cau  a.ai  .at  .....ut.      ..,       '1  ""^  ^"''^'^"''"  ^*- 

-    --^.b   a.,..  ,.ute..    .1.   elJ*        T"   ""■   ''"'"   ^''''^^''^"  '*'-*"  -«* 

rl..,n  ::t.i„..„    ,,,,,  ^,„  ^  ■'       --^-"'^--  "na  Anhan,.. 

BarVuat     untard-.-k-p      h.    .     .  ■^'^soten   nb«r  J,<ie  3^ 

^=    -  ^sn,    rta   doch  cii,   th,o.,a  lU8c-,e- 
auca^run^^n  T,Pdnn;.^n.  -'38''chtun^a- 

iiluig«    j!.ilP8    W/.r    tint.     .      K 

»  WT   una  i,.ben  meiacr  J'uuer      m      ,     » 
^o«»"..ae   uni   a„  A«thropo.,onhie  c.rl.^    t        . 

"•■^     •'•,    In  -i.p.D  V,rl"uf  ?.i-  i„   u;.        , 
^'la.  den   ,.a„.i,,„  ,„.,^^  "    '   '"  -^^^   '-^   ^ri.iaeUer 

-*u«?na^c   ^rl*>nl8    fur  ro-.ir^ 

?!nnn   *ir,   un<j   ypho"f-   '  ,  <i  ' 

•ciwftlich,  tr-ufb^h,,  ,„   ,       „  ■■       "*^  ^^   -^'^«  -rt6,.a- 

"T     rn««r  UnlTt-rrltat.      «;-ir-»  o      . 


(Ul    d«F 


Vfe 


-    4fl  - 

Pr«i,r  UniTeraita^iaaenf  »i^  »ich  lEim,r   ^.la  Vo-b«r<.ltua«  dl.aM  Ihr.i 
I.eb,a.wuacti,,.     J),   tr«f  una    .lie    uu  furc.itbnr«r  r,chi,«,    d.r  Krl.g 
brncii  ,ua.      i>x.  V,-2w,xaan,i  «Un,r  l(u    fr  d^rab.r.    ,1.  Hu.to  B,ri«nr« 
.-Uich  in  dM  ,reten  "ngea  n^eh  ^nilzi.a   ,inruck«  .us.te,    war  unb.- 
e-hr,ibHch.      Tag  uad  ;  «cht   .acht,  si,  .a  nl^hta  anr,r,a  nU  ihn  Irs.adJ 
wle    d«r   ;,f.hr  zu   entru.aen.      S,lb.tT,r,t^dUch  wT,r«n  diee.  B«uhua- 
••n   re-„-,bUch.    ana    ,ir,  aach  zwelj  .hri^^er  Xrl,i,d«uer   -la  KoUag, 
B.r^;«.r:»    nnch  P^a^  k-,..   besturmf   al.  itxn,    .«   Ihr  zu      r-tf^llchw.   :.lt 
B-in.r  Abt^Uun^  ,n  dl,  F-aat   zu  ,'eh«i,   da.  alch  d-.«.U  In  Un.an,  b.- 
f'.nd.      r*r  Leutannt   kor.i.t.   ,,   durcha.t.«,,    anas   «i.  ala  iU-a.^cenachw- 
.ter  elch  a.ln.r  .„t.llun^  ,nocUU.„.ea  du.-fte.     .x.  aatt.  uat.r«.B.„ 
=«  J.dl.ch.n  S,U»1   in  -„  ,in«n  Kr.nk.apaa^erl.aenkur.  b.aad.t.   d« 
Ihr   da,  ...cht     :nb.    ,1.  .ot.kr,u..chw..t.r   .Ich  zur  .roat   «.  ..i,i.n.    si. 
war  .»a  xhr,,  "i,a  .Icht   .bzub.in^a  und    ao  U„aea  ,lr  ai.  .cbw.r.a 
H.rz.n.   zi,U.a.     I,.l„r  »,.t   .1.  aich    .ihr.nd  dl.a.r  ^.la.  durch  di.  u^ 

.«**n     ine  ..ler^ukrrinicheit    2ii^e«o<j«n,    die   Bchon  intent 

■•rt..      Uo  si.  In  d^r  ..tapp.  nnk-m,   mu.at.  si.  z«.i  t,^,  ,^j  ^^^ 
tl.dera.h.a  «it   ihr.m  3ch«1.3.r«oha  .,rt,n  und   b.autzt,  dl.    J.i.^.a- 
heit.    xlt    ...  dort    at»tionl.P«.rt,„  .  tab.ar.t   Sch.ch  zu    Bpl.l.a  und 
.•l««?r.und.-haft   zu   .r-«rto.n.     a1.  d,an  Hu;.  B,r:s»ann  .ak«,   mlt 
elnar  II^rMehmch.,    ,,r  U.r  ..tab.arst   b.relt.    Iha  nneh  M.a  m  .chlek..  . 
K«ln.  Ifuttar  hatt.  la     l.a  d.a  Koaaandn^.teo  d..  Parlwa^  ..pital.  .1. 
rh-a.o,hlo.h.n   ^.ahdn.j.r  r-t.i.-r.  b.aucht  und  d«.zufoXg.  wurd.  Hu.>, 
l«rg»^.m   dort   -ufg«na=«:^n.     I'eln  '-.ud-r  Ctto  war  d'.mal.   ,ueh  In  Tien 
alfl  rritt^lr.huU.hrer  titlj  und  ao  b..ehloea.B  wir,   dl.  z^U     .   dl. 
Hu?«  ?.r3m  nn  In  ".pltol  T.rbraoht.,  in     l«i  mwrl.^w.     I;l...  z.it 
wor  fur  Belna  Kuttar   <.*ln«  jrobe.  :.-holunij.««lt   ,  Sl«  T.rkahrt.  tI.1  alt 


■  ♦       -^ 


f 


•   47  - 


2rnst  Ifuller*   dm  Blbllothtk^ir   d#r  Ju  .Ischtn    lemaii.ae,   ci«a  U«b«r- 
8etE«r  Biallkt   ins  Deutsche  und  den  Her«U8<jeber  rleler  phlXosopkl- 
•ch<^  und  thi»08ophi3eh«r  w^irke,     Auch  -ndtre   guiati^e  P^rsdnilchk al- 
ien wlrkton   ^nr<fg«i.d   nuf  ihron  wisBensdurstii^en  Vdretand.      Al»  Hujo 
Ber^aiin  au«  der  Spitnlpfles©  entlftaeen  wmr   #    ubareiedelten  wlr    uoch 
fur  elnl^t  ^ochen  In    -Inen  ^'orort  ta  n#ner  ''nldt    wohin  meino  iilutter 
•iue  Treundin  von  lhr»    ain©  aiirlftBtf?iI«rln,    die  unt^r  a«m  l«aman 
H#raann  D^hl   ▼l«l.»jel«e«nt   Paiaan«  reroff «it  ilchttt,    elniud.      I;le»« 
Vrtdiunain  t-rrad^^llehte   es*    'i»*»8   «iii  Jet^uch  iiujo  Bar^ini'j.-nBf    ils  ]>ol- 
Bitttscher  bvjl   der  Arair;e   ^iiir^eruiht   zu   wercian,    posltlT   -^rladijt   wurdt 
und  8^1   wfiren  wlr   iii«     .lacklirh,    Ihin  der   8cureckllch«n   L-b;»n8j«f ahr 
entruckt    :u    sahtn.      Vmn^  llutt^r  hat   ii^9T  die   \n8icht    au8i5eBprochon» 
daes  I>oktor   Gt-jlii^r   recht    behlelt*    d«r   slch   eliuttal  aucserte,    dass 
HU£0  ierjBnnn  den  xirie^   iut  abaretehen    <urde»    und  noch  zu   jrossen 
Auf^&beu  la  P^laEtiiia   berufen  sel*      ..eider  h«4t  i-aine  Juttttr  d«i 
z^teiten  Tall  der  V. eisea^ung  in   seiner  ..rfaiiun,,^  nicht  mahr    eriebt, 
nie    -Ti-ebte   noch  seine  Hackkehr  n^cU  Kr4.eg0ende  una   sciae  Berufung 
nfich  ^-.ondon   nla  Se   rctar   aee  *^r*iehunj»aepartia*jiit8   aer   Zioni^tiecheii 
Organisation  unter  3chinnrjaiiu  Le#ln«     *>le  war  aua  Li-jbe  zu  ihrea 
3chwic  jeri>ohn  ^Iu»^o  'il^Ts^ai^nu   una  aue  Verachtun^  der  f^ulen    ;aseil- 
cchnfttiorduun^j  in  ;ni 'opa   entechlJesent    ait  une  i-ach  "f^-^aastina  zu 
g«hen  und  ^ollt<»   raaik^i  ihr  L  ben  anat*rn.      «vU8     inem  3rief  an 
Ber^^inn  entn«hinQ  icht '•Liebee  Huueiet   Ich  beschaftige  aich  Jetit 
so    eehr  mit   d-lnem  P'^lastlnaplAnen.     lia  let    eiue  Aueeicht   auch  fur 
micht   noch  na^h  m.?inen  Tun8chen»   nach  mein  r    "ehnoucht   zu   leben.   Ich 
denki   mir  das  8O9   daaa  Jeder  der  in  einer  solchtL^   Jeduinscliaft  lebtf 
fbrnlieh  d^a  Segonbrlngends  seiner   tagllrh^  Arbeit  fuhltt   dass  maji 
tndlich  festen  Bodtn  :{«winnt  in  der   \usubung   seiner  PfXichten  gegsn 


-X- 


•   48  - 

ftDaerei    ohne  das  indiTlduelle  Streben  auftreben   zu  amoeen. 

Wel'^he  ^'or«^b*it  w^ire  ntttig,   um   aich  ir^en  wie  Torzuberei  ten  zu   finer 

nutzlichen  "^itijkeit?     Teh  denke  "nlrf    ea   «are    ;utf    anatandig  ^ochen 


zu  koiirif?n  od«r   lart  ennr\r«lt  zu 


rersteben,      Ich   steile  es  mlr 


alB  Ideal    T)rf    noch  •'uf  o  Ine  altan  Tage   nit*  Kocain  od^r    \ufsehsrin 
ein^r  Kurhe  r.uch  -^llen  nutzlich   zu   p  *ln.      "  jiixi  ich  nur  uoch  den  Kopf 
h'ittet    heb>-aipch  zu   1  ?rnen.      Ich  kmai  j.ir  .:ar  nicnt   a?i'ien»    wie  unaus- 
sprechlich   zuwid^r   ri.i^   uns^jre  G-iaeilBchritsortlnan ;  iBt»     Mir   iot»ais 
/jint^e   ich  uber  riumrifef    in  die   ich    :-^nz  zu   verbirken    ,laube.      Colite 
da   eine  itettun^j  moijiich   seiu?     Koi  ate  "-?*n  fid   ?fei*;r  uriter    ?reien  le* 
beUf    d^im   *urde  aich  nlchta   in  iiUrop%  hnlten   kOiin-n.      .i«n  Verzicht   auf 
die   ^enuHBe  der     h6hc»rn  Kultur   djnxe    tch  "lir   fur  aich   aehr  ieirht.   Sa 
habe  ich  jetzt   eine  Iloffuun.^  ror  "ilr.     Dich  k^s5dend  .'^^iina.'' 

3ie   ^olltc  in  eintfr  Kwutzoh  y.bchic  &eii«i    si  et    aie  Yur^/bhntet 
^jintTOiie  3nionaaffle»    niet   die  nur  phiioi^ophischs  Bucngr   inb*   dichtets* 
musizierte*    in   ieeoliachnfti^n  jiacztet  Vurtra{;e  hieit  w^bur  die  sohwsr- 
8 ten   and    ti^fsten  Problrjia©,    pie   stirbf    jreii    «lt   ocin   ''ei^ruhrsn   sich 
k;uTiei   anstrene^te*   ua  ihre  i^.9chkeuntni«:se    «ieder   zu   eru'^uern  und  der 
neuen  Aufs^abe   :;ewach8en  zu   sein*       :ie  abcrspiunte   ihre  iCrufte  und 
atarb  auf  aieae  \^'^ise    >uf  a^m  ^ege  dar  v^rwirkiichunj  ihrer  Aiijsh  an 
Herzsching.      Sie   err*ichts  "ur   ihr  zweiundfurifzit^stes  L  bensj^hr  und 
ihre   ailerletztec  ^0   te  liTor  kjie  das  "^e  uaftaein  yorlort    waren  la 
'^one   tifjfeter  Traueri    •Zweiundfanfzig  J^hre!  • 

^rofesBor  Oerhard  Kon«i«ki,    ^heraalij^r  UaiTeraitatsprofessor  an 
der  Pra.^er  Deuts'^hen  Univgralti.tt    s   hriibt  in  teinm    .ebenserinnerungsn^ 
Kunchsn  IdI5.   In  T^r^g  gm%  es   ein^    ;<«i8ti<t  8«9hr  hoch  stehends  'OasttPrau 
Berta  '^^^intat   die  Hhnlich  wi «  Vadans  de  Stf^el   <?lnen  KrelB  ron  IntelXsk- 
tuellen  xm  slch  siraselte,     Kan  laa   ^stf^n^l!  enm  Htf^el  Oder  Flchtet   wohsi 


-n- 


-vv 


-   4^  - 

der  Phiiosopb  HUtjo  BeTp^nnut    der  Schwiu^jeraohn  dcr    -^r^u   ^^nta    ill 
Int  rpr«t   funjl^irtt.      l^r  w«r  d^mnls  PiV)ioth-l:*ir»   j«tzt   let  /er  Pro 
feitor  der  Ualrerisltit  Ji*ru8^1e«  unci   *lrie  antri^aXiCt e  Koryph%e#   '^Ir 
Btnunten  -in  dies^n  ?^nt«-Abenden  ub^r  den    j^ictigen  riocU&tand  ai«oe] 
?rau.      Herr  ?%iita»    aar  Btaltxer  der   nltber^hmtiiii  ^;lnhora-A.potA«kt 
nm  Mtetadt'ir*  'iln^»    «rir    «uch  ■i'ii*rh«'»l   anw-st-ivj    ju  .  iiatt^   «jb«tnf  tiia 
atarka   phlloc jp^jiorhe  Interesseu*      }jer  3ohn»    Ctto   rontfif    D^t^u-hta 
mein»»  VorlfsLULviei:!    ind  ni;»^j  mlt    -^^^jiZ -r  Steele    'n  :rir«       'ancottil    cr- 

der  Phyoik   r  ''hilU;    .'t auk  und   7r-unciilch,      7r^unaiich  iiielt    cixiaal 
einen  Bchoiiin  Vo    traj  uo^jr   ula   rjiniit^jntheo-i  d.      Aii*     /luz    r<*cJiiina^»i- 
tjer  una   sniir  iiituraakil^iriar  rtfiiiie^us  r    •^nr   aer  Gciirif tat^iier  Tax 
3rod«      I<^h  h.>be   liin  au   ^ix«cBi  Jt«ner    \bencie  von  Ircy^ra   Lio^raphie   das 
\3tronomtjn  Tyho    "rrJie   uraahit*    die   Ihm  daa  ""nteachviiJiEiit  iriii    zu 
B«ln*»m  ber-.hToten  ?.')rann  "Tylio  Brahea  Wag  «u    ;;ott"    iiif-,'fti, 

Ich  ^itit     -iiiicni    \jti   Prnu  ?auta    -'inen  «rrdaaan  Vortra^  uber  Kcji- 

druck  irmohttj.      Auch      cfrjTn«^*iU  wnr   8»jhr  lnt»:reopl2rt ,      eii    -t    sich   vlel 
mlt  Bolzqno   beochi-i.f ti^t   batte  und  dessin  '^^Tm<lT<i^u  aet5  Un«fncliicaan 
kniitite.      Ich  h^b«   solt  an  mil   eo   ab©r3?hwi*9nill 'Jhar  Berudo'^fliii:  ?1 1  cia- 


aprochan  wi  e  b»i   aicaam  Vjrtra-j»j. 


Lringe  7«it   iiinuarch  vairaan  icjn«jr 


norh    iod-nken  auoijut'^uscht.      ii.inmal    erzahlte    irh   ^n   Tinen  ^«»nta-r\band 
Ton   dera    b^rahcittja  '^ra.ier  I/os.-nten  S^il^nmn  Fintor. 

?riu  ?ant"   hntte    ^iria  3chwa«ter»    die  "^it    den  ^ra^^er  Pachtaanwrilt 
l)r«'^«*und  r^^^-h'lr^tet   v/ar  und   dam  Klub  D»»utach**r  Kunf^^tleritjiari  prii- 
aldierta.      Ihre  •^o-jhtTf    ala  :'9dl«ln   studlfrt   hptt*,   :'ora»    hulratata 
dan   aehr   tiK'hrlj^en  ?hiloiog,jn  Dr.nichiilt    der    ai^-h  z«;nach.  t   :\le  lllttal- 
•ehuilelirer   betrtticjte.      riv    ;nb   aem  Sohn  dee  Vt»rln>^8  uirHhanai^ra 
B#ilMniin  T>rlTat«tun2an.     ibinas  '^agea   aagta  (Jer  Junge  B^laaxin  m   Xfingi 


.    50   - 
L«hr.r:    ^^igentUch   tun  sxu  mi.   l.id.   iU-r  I^olctor.   'oaen  3la  nicM   » 
una    iuB    ;eaclxift   eintreten?  ..er  Y.t.r  hat   .i-   ^oua^jt.    ich  n-ichta  34a 
frai.n,      Di.a.n     utrag    .rachte   der   j-inja  ^tlim^.n  in   so   nelt^r   :-om 
vor,    dnsB  ::oktor  Bi-h^l   wi-'Uich    .in:ii.g  and  nach   icurztr  BaapracHung 
ait  Ker-n  ^.Ulannn   -inig    turrta-     2r   ntnnd  nun   luf   .xn^r  gaiiz  anaarn 
BaciB  unci   k  niite  neinan  wlfcsenarhnf  t  Ucher.  Interecueii  aachgahao. 

Frau  Barta  ?antn    **tirb     uf  tr^  :i8-na   .*ci5«   icurz  iiacU  UM. 
D-xrz-xU  h'^tta   aich  i.r.::.»r  ;ni' nn    .niacal  >  istn,   u^it   .  r  ui  uad  Kiudtjrn  ameh 
i^alaotma  .lunzuw^sr^d^rn.      '''rau   '^'r.ntft   B^hwutkte   aehrt    ob  aia  Mi  tgeUan 
nolltnt   um  nort   in   d«r   n  uan  H^imftt    ir»,i.cwie   xiuiziich   oeiu  asu  kon- 
nyr,    Tirf   sicn    alt   u«r   Ibr    ?i  j^nai*  -:.i.'?rjia  ^af  .Ho  Ko  iikun^t.   Vo«r 
noch  V)-   d«-    \breiJa    ^uraa   sia    .uhr^nd   der  ;rbait  von    <^inm  lltiraaciiiag 
^-ctro'^ffTH.      Inre  Toteuf  ii^^r   i«  J-  -isciian  KatlMia.    deflfc»«n  ^roacar  Saml 


dicht     ccfaiit   w^^rt    blriibt   air 


'■'rfri.it:'i:«'^^--'---- '  -''  ^""'"'^Xt.t) 


•  Ll«   die^e    ■.urzelcnnuiigon  uber  ■•lue   ."ir.iiia    loUaii    sin  Eilo 

an  ."raft  u^r  r^Wibfrsud.,    'ier    j-fuLlth-lt  u.1 1  .-UiUB-    uad  ilri«b«n«- 
kri'tiu,    cl«  ihrar  Satur   sntstammt^n,   ^ie  iber  rueh  auo  dor  zat  und 
ihrer   J«oorg«nfa,it.    u,r   i««l--h-rtha t  ihr-  ..xiet.nz,    ilir*r  laat^l.lA 
l,n,    TiorHli-nien  und  Ueber.^u  ;un;3-r.lchTh  •!  t   ^ita.rlnst.    uud   f«»t 
TTanVrt   •>r'.r   in  d«M  3inuben  «n  wi,  fsanBrlwft  una  a.r  Ittth^r.ntwlc^iumj 
der  ••af.scohelt.     I^ifber    Unube   trrt   -.n  r,t,lU   arr   reii,^i6»en.   dtr 
Jud.ntume.:>i.ubl3-K-lt.   di,  -U   -^lU  -^U  ;lon,n  lUr.r  'v.mUX^UiX  wgta 
un-l  •■Infachh-it   -Un  t'n,j«bll(let9n  und  \m-n  xlt.  T,rzslh«ad««  iAch.in 
ub^'-l-.aaen    nirCe,   rr.it    ler   f wtsn  U-b -rseu  run«,   d'lsf  *nmnl   dl.  %i6»«»- 
schr.ft  It^ra   s'Lorr•ir^•  "egent«rh-ift  ub^r  die  C-nse  t'mschhait  T«rbind« 


-^0 


.    51   . 


und  imai^r  hbh«r   fahr**nd    '^ufrichten   «*ar(1e.      In   dianer  b>b«rzeu  .xixii* 
fjimloii    ei«   Hiimat    far    len    itsltitt    vie   «!»»  in   der  Schblih-it    lhr«9«    ir- 
Ci8ch«n  Zuhau«8<9Beiiie   f-.r        ihre  nesth^tischen  Bedurfninae  i^ahrunj 
fpnden»    durch  Kunst   und   i»atur jen^ao   zu^leich.      Ich  iernte   pchon  "la 
Kinr!    '  li«-fi   niit   iHreii  Aujeii  BcheHt    30   aaaa  Jiir    -aln  ::tuc1c  Lnndschnft 
i   ^pr   ilw  Kjiistwerk    'ichoii   i7.      .liiCdn   ontgejiiitrat   unci  i'usik*   lfil'ir<il» 
l^ilf1h^U'?r'^l  >      ii*f.i  w-ir   «t.*?-3    ^n^j   vi  »iiplcht    njiasre  Kind -r    nis  Vnter- 
un««r  und   •^nder'S  Gebite  Xirutia*     sa   vrtr   <?ii*«    Uibetun^j   der  mei^tichilchen 

V 

vjr  Jad««  Kunplwer^e  vuriiei^tu  Ui-^n   uxf^U    ;leic  iiz'.i  ti:^  vor  der   ▼tjrbar- 
g«a#n   7otth^it»    aie    ^^iraae   ii^i   lllrtr  Vrfr^)Orgefih^l  t   ai  e    *riiie  hatt^t 
•  ich  In  :run3t,   "  iiie^usciiif  t  zu   jff  .^iio'^ren.     ]f«in«  Grosern'jtt  ?r  zlti.r- 
te   i       -r    .'>«?th;s   '  ortei    """  rr  "VlBsauschrf  t    -ma  ..'unnt    0f?9itzt»    der   hnt 
RUrh  Hrlici^n;    .ver   clt^ii©  bdiuen  laciit   beBitzt»    der   hube  Rellilon," 


^■£^3o 


1  • 


S8«  D«s«ab«r  lilS 


LEO  EAiiCK 

INSTITUTE 

NEW    Vrr?:' 


3««hrt«  '**rau«rT«rsisaiiung« 
L«i88«ii  81«  iftleh  alt   tin  p-ar  lorteo  ia  iaciaafi  uBB«r«»   ^u^^rtik  Froua- 
d«skrtfi8«s  T9n  uns«r«r  7rmi  3«rt«  '^nata   \bschled  n«haaa!    Tir  ti^b^a 
8la  9lla     in  lhr<A  L«b«9a  ((ill«bt  iiad  T^rohrt*     Hvutat   ia    <^ir  'la  ihr«a 
Sar^e  atehan*   da    ''Ir  dl«»«;8  L^ibtsOt   deosafi  ^.ufte  .rkBiAa  uad  dai^bara 
Z^ujita   #ir  wr>r<:;af    <ibj:«achloa8<fa  8eha&»   da   tritt   zu   diaaer  Li«ba  und 

DenA  wl8  ci<ur  uad    jlulidl tiled  il8jt   ui^ttea   L^fbt^n  ror  una*   I>la 
Frna*  ua  dia  vir  Mler   trauern»    h«?t   inr  L-^b«n  uieht   elnfnch  pnssiT  hia* 
g«na!iiiii8a»    wle   es   inr    ;«raaa  sU;;of'ilXan  i«itt    t^^ood.ri*   liiia  Ust    tsm  fr^i 
uad   kr^f tig  i^^eb  iarfOi   ei^auaxi  lawalatif    f<frii  roa  ail#r  ki«)iuiichiC8lt» 
gestnltetf    ji«  o^t   08   T«rst  iiatsa*    iur:fa  i.v'bt$a   ^iu-iU  ::iun  £U  c>«^^a« 
>arua  k^.a^a  #lr   al^^attr    'rau  aaa  iiora<>t«t    ..ab  apiiiiaaaf    oaa  xcli 


^* 


air  d#i-^aa  kaiiat    s.'ia  «a)irU^ft  Juuiachad  liab»   i£i>o«y    «ir  ana  3iua  ui«aua 
iaabeaa  in  aaa     orttta  aua^i&iaearaaasa;  I 

?rau  B«rta  ?aata  bnt   iar  i;aii;&«8   ufstina  iaa^  uuTtfrbruckUieb  ^#-  I 

atrabtt   dan  a«i.t  aa   fiaaaa  -  wu^d  ilia  ^uf  ^raaa  su  Tdrairicileliaa*  f 

3ia  Uat  uicata  i»a  a«Ur  ^(jii«bt»    via  dis  tal&rbeit  uad  dla  ..^r- 
kai^iAtaia  uad    aia  aar  ia  i^irea  KaiiuaXa  tou  uiciita  aii^eraa  on^tisiBtt 
aia  7oa   jan  ^illaat   Jauaaaai  daa  ^ut^  xu.  tua* 

Daa  i4^t   8ia     uch  wihrlich  g-staa  -  ait   ?ili«r    "ia  ,«ibit  iUr8a  Ja- 
fuhlsf   ait   daa  gucaaa  Klnaata  ihras  Vl^^rant    ^rachaa  and   tapf^raa  V 
atandaa*   uud  B*it  jaaer  3tiil8  uad  Varaehaheit  daa  vohltuaa*    dla    d 
a4laa  tfeuacdaa  kanaaaieha*;t« 


Uad  wi«  hat   8ia  dia  ^ilirlidit   i«liabtl   Yoa  ibr  kaaa  aaa*   via 
a^-tea  raa  «iot?r  ?rau  ant^sas    iiir  Lab^a  war   caa  Leraaa     gaaiteat.  kit 
uaUiubllchst^B  ^lf#r  uad  doch  ait    iin«r  auad8rbar8a  Baachsidaahait 
aabtf   8i8   sich  dan  :;rou8ea  3al8tt»ra  dar  l^gxiachh-it  icit  aaitaaar  la- 
tan8itiit  dacht#   ^ia  ab«r   alia  ^robltiai    d«a  Li«fbaaa  aacbf  ait   aiaar 
Aufn'tliB8rihiik8it  otin8  Jleichan  trf  taste  aia  ^Il8  u  urn  J«d:.aikaa  ua4 
ait   einoa  etaua>::a8v#rt«n0    xnrteBt    acbt   w«ibiicban  "^iikt    MAs^ta  aia 
iui2ure^8n  und  i^eistig  su   ford^rn, 

Da8  ^iiva  hab-n    <ir»   i^ra  ?r»und^»   au  uiit»ar«ja  jrojii^aa  «»utaaa  ar» 
fahrent    van   f»il   ciea  au   Ban   .*lr   ^etat  au  uiicertsia    ^rojjtjaa  Scboi«rsa  Ab» 
acnied  nehata, 

Ab8Ciilad  a^batsBf    fur  iwrn^Ti   oim^  wia  aa  aouat  unsara  Ja^srobabait 
«ar»   Ta^  und  Ort  uti6or«r  nuehs^ten  ZUBniiia«akunft   su   bcatimx^sa* 

So   oiei'>t   un£   ui  :nta»   ai8  cif^nkb^ir   iOt   deiu  und  su   7tfraprac)aa» 
daae    «lr  /rau  Berta  F^oita   fur  i^i^ar  Xl,  uuaaripi  J«l»te   i^band  •rbiU.tiA 
«o I 1 ea« 

^     iat   eina  ^t^rk^^raii^t   f^il;ua^  aaa  J«acUieka»   daaa  a«ia  latataa 
Oaspr^cb*    daa  ich  silt   irnu  x>arta   -^nuta  b.9tt«;»   aia  Unaterbiiekkait 
d«r  Scaia  b«traf«     tir  bitbea  das  Jai»praeb  aicbt  suaaaa  f^afubrt*   HuUtat 
blar  oa  dain<ia  Sarget   will  icb  ea   ba^iidaa*     B^aaaaa  mit   aincr   aiebaraa 
Ark^untnla»   nach  dar  au  &.a  a-^Hr  ^eXacJiat  baatt    «ir  K«nacbaa  ^aubaa 
aa  dla  Linjtarbiiebkait  dar  S    aia*    aieaan  kouaaa   air  nichta  ^Mb^raa  4ap 
rub«r*     Aiaaa  a^^r  «rird  *^r  hiart    aa  diasa«  r(«rgtft   auf  daa  daliiagaca»» 
gana  ^ab«;a  diaaar  ^^i^taa  '>Iiekaad»    einaa  aird  air  hi^ar  gawlaat   waaa  aa 
alaa  Uaatarbiiebkait  dar  Saala  ^ibt  uad  ia  walehaa  '  iioia  iiuiar  vir  aaa 
diaaa  Uaatarbliebkeit  daakaa  ao^aa^  da»  Barta  ?«tata»  auaat  aia  gaaiaa 
•rruagaa  hibaa*   daaa  da  hatteat  wahrbaft  uaa  richti^^aa  lag*  Lalia  wMLi 


—WaWWMUIIHluil  jil)n»HJi.i-mii 


.    I 


// 


/ 


I. 

Qm^mi^9€m  for  Trnu  B«rUi  Faatm. 

^ifim  Tod«   ^Xskmm  H«ld«iA»    belM  lliraa  cli^rr  TMi«rt4iUaiM»   ¥«rAi^d«it  uaA 
S«v&ititf  ▼9rl9b^(llit  (.urcn  das  J^f^ia   roi.  ~4ii«^r^  acu*ru  uod  »ihtn 
•ig«ii«A  Tod»   d-r  Vorwurff   d^ss   wlr  due   irotts^  uld*    t^(*iiU4i  g«li«bt9 
IhA  aicht  mlt    'iHer  ua»tr^  Xvmft  g«Ui>if«n,    aa»  i»   chl . eslgk ^i t  d«B 
uiij;eh«u«r«ii  Varsu^*    disa  #lr   its  httsci  coaa.«A^    a«   I«l   Ut   jft»   ait   »o 
g«rln^««  Opf  ira.   iilciit   ^^imtat  k.»bt»a.     lir  »iud   so   »«hr  li^w^,\mX.   aach- 
hoi#ii  uud  gutiiacn«4i  »a  ko.a^,    daa^,    w^ui   es   plot«iich  lUiJao^iidi   «lrat 
4ojr  ^wb«l    i^nbi,^  ufib«dacai.*r  U  ib -r    i'-i^nu^  una  tt»9cht.lchtl.itfr  :     lo«i- 
btrruiU  >iAiit:«a  vor  una     UB«liiiiJUi  rr.:fiB.,t|    «la  BlAta  ,;r  u«im  ft«r  Klar- 
lieitf    ci^Bb    t^ii    elu  ^HC?iiiJltii  ja  uberUiu  ^t   aicht    ,lbtt    wall   aur   il^lch* 
4Ug,i£i  >iic«i.  iU«   «i«d  jrktiiArt  Ui<u  uuu«  ociiuid   «iriru»    «r«i«^  koiuMexiu«  Hond- 
ian.^,    aim    siu  M«^r»    alii  ^«ue»,    eia  :  eiutt  *u   b^li^  lk».tt«»   V^r^^uates 
<Mf  1  elcixiA  muss. 

A»  «r9t«»   'btoidf    alii  Icii  aach  d.^«  iiurt«      tack  Xra«  SJi^ik^ch^o  a«a 
Flri^t^rn   fi^hitcrt   t?4it    atna  4ch  suis    ibsc  ^itd^rwiMi  ha  u^ff  Ttm^ru  itfist« 
Koioiunj  klo^fttt   war    .»  -ir   xu  »cUr9CiLlleu>    ^fialaca  »ur    '^a^«^ruXAung 


i 


aiit  ]MLa««  lAs  X«la«  su  ka..m«ait    ai«  ^•iscU^a  iaos   i)«ryiirt   ^oru«a  «  rsA»  \ 

ail«ft  j^tdiMi«  d,\k     ijrtfch**.     _«   wnr    .*ich  tIhI     icntl^je*  uaruiii«sr#   da*  t^Asf      / 
•0   Stfhr  btfv^^t  hf)tt«f    :lit  Wf^r*  »•    'lepia»^t«  iciit   c^u^  wi«   bio   «»   #oiii         1 
g«taii  Ikittit   hinius  zu  ihrt    ^o  aXa  v^tro  K^ir  d«r  tfrstd  V%u^ch  ^tiftt^rb«a 
uud  leh   «rui>at«  uaeh  nickits  Toa   aoa  ..rf  arui^tfH*    ai«    «i«    ;vad*:ir^A  Ait 
di«0«B  .ril^iic   ^  ^a-^rht  U  bijnt   und  don  l^btfUiliiX  .n  Vereuch  Bin  hoiit    ob        i 


oicht   irg«nd    -^int 


d#r  V  rrtanol  ;uiig  swlsch«ii  uns  ubrig  ^ebii  ib«a 


war**   V'on  iBlr     ubauao  fahrt   d-?r  ^ef  f^pr^daatts   di«  h  iba  Stuiidt}  1  og 
ble  UiisAUs     nrtgwfrora  •  unbrtiebt   acbaifiXs  Dtrass*  Aaben  f:^chi«&«a  b«r. 


'^- 


Z. 


*Ach  daft  ist  selidAf    dass  Sia  kor!««Bt*  hdra  ieh  di«  raaeli«  •Bar- 
gischa  Z^Ti^chm  air  antgagan*    durch  dia  iimar  oin  frduadiiehast  loi 
?r9Uda  uAd   ?rauAdlielikait  w^rb^iidaa  iiaehsiii  durebkiingf   bais  iatitan 
tort  i&it  aaa  ucf  alii  bar  eA  Huek   via  imtfrwartat  abbrachand*     Uad  ieb 
•  taad  in  d«B  ki<iiuttn  Yorsiiuatsr  auf  dam  Aitatadt«r  Hinj  ait   aainar  dar 
Unwiehtigkait   ainat  Yorsinaeva  sa   unbakufiaiart   aAtapraehaidan  Eaga  und 
hjttta  unt'fr  dan  ^UBsan  noeh  daA  Widttrstand  d«r  un^^iaicbaiaaig  Tartra- 
tanan  hiatoriaehan  ateil^A    Ioiietuf«A.     Yor  Seliraekaii  und  Y«r>MUBdaruAg 


ta  ieh  bald  Ttfrgeeaan*    dan  ^intarrook  abauieg^A  uAd  aA  uia  gavoluita 
Sttjila  links  hochxuhan^eA*    *Acb  dan  i«it  8Chdo»    daaa  VAm  kaaaiol    lak 
hnbe  dn   so    etw^a    IrosseB    oriabt   und  aa   tata  siir  isidt   niaaanuaa  daraa 


t«ilneha«n  zu   iaesaa*   I>a»  iat  aal    andiieh   atwao*   daa 


niehi  Biir  T9^ 


datf    sondern  ^irklieh  fabltl    :»8  i»t  c>'ut»   daas   mm  daa  MonaeHan  niekt 
freiatehtf    ob   tsr  at^^rban  will,     Kaiuer  wurda  aa   tun*   S«ilDaiaordY  Da 
antswtsit  aicb   einer  alt    sich   so  laage   bis   ar  bieh  hasstf   iaaar  iirgart 
8«}iuan  Faiiidt    dan  ar  aulatst  oabriagt*     Abar  atarbant    aaa  istt    vateiaa* 
ga«;en   aeinaa  Yiilan   daa  Rae^ta  tUA  ai^asant    im  Kraapf  ailar  falacUaa 
Richtua^en  nnk -in^f tjid  aaa   $in^g  Kotwanuiganf   Richti^aB»   aicht   ant^abtfi 
kttiinaa.     Dar  arsta  Aujanoiick  ungahou  jrstar  ^aviaahaitf   daaa  aan  labia* 
labt.    aii^ariiitanda  Tataaciia  ifc.t»    aina  Vorbanaanhait  ia  AU»    f^inSaliS? 
mehr  wegzu  vis  chant   uht  «i  wanaaln*     Fuhlaa  3ia  nieht  Jatat  rallkaaaiaa 
airkiich  und  gan»iAf   daaa  Sia  ait  air  radaat" 

Ieh  fuhita  daa  hnrtgafrorana  Flackchan  Straschniti  untar  daa 
Puasan*   laisa  Jlocka  aitt  rta  durch  dia  kuhla  Stillat  riallaieht 
dar  Kapaaa  daa  chriatliahan  Friadhofa  harubart  rialiacbt  vaa  d 


Dorfkireha  druAtaa* 

•Sia  rufan  aich  harauf»  Wk  racht  wato  uad  daaaiaafarb< 


arachainunggaward aaa  ?or«  n  faaaaai   lu  haltaat  n 
IhAaa  ab^  Ja  nihar?  Sprachan  ^r  uaa  Ja  uAgahaaatar  uad 


■aiaa 
War  i«k 

t 


-1>- 


•' 


9. 

■truktieaM.   Slim«..lcli«ru«,««i  d..  aacto  .la^  ;i«it  u»  .leH  T.pp,od«a 
aa«8tllcli«,  hHfX«.  durch  da.  Leb«  r.cii..b.iMl.a.     Cdurch,   da.,  m 
0.rau.eh.  a,elit..  «.na  Ich  r.d.t.,   ^latf.  mloto  b.w.^f,   war  ..  x^eht 
.lchT.r,  d...  31.  horten.  wa.  ich  ..Mj.a  wilte  .a.r  leh  T-r.taa*, 
•a.  SI.  dacht«..  T^  SI.  «lr    .la.  i.l.»,.  7r«uutl   .1.  .i..«.   ich 
•ar  la  »11«.  ..  j,ra  ^-rundUch,    aoXlt,  Ich  da.   .In.  :;tackch«  r.lt, 
da.   %l8  «,ln  r.Pk  und  Schlckaal   za,^^a.«fl.,.,   mcht   ax.  iluh.lt 
b.l.aiui».n  g.-ma  und  kl  ir  uber.ch-uw  -ollent   Ich  habe  uo  rl.l.  Ruck- 
bUek.  al.  Ke.^.h.1  .im.  dl.  Mich  ll.b  hab«».    vu.  d*r   i..au«th.lt 
aU.r  ^..lua.  Ich  Tl,U.leht,   .a.  air  d.r  elg.n.  nlcht  ^ebea  k  uia. 
J»dm»  d«»  leh  «twa.  war.  au..  Ich  doch  .twa.  ander.a  ciew^.«  ».lat 
KUB  Baua  0  k«r.  31.  Bind  In  der  Schul.,   ich  ruf.  .il,  auf,    .«««  ol. 
wl.  war  Ich?  ri.  t,lu  ich  auf   d.r  ii.tsh.ut   Ihrar  ^^,1.  8t«h«i  j.bllebaaT 

•W.  fas.  ich  ••?  Zart«n  ;.i.!   Von  ««lehw  Tunkt    d.r   tau.ead  ^- 
lrmeruni.B  au.  ub«r.eh.  Ich  ..  ru>  v.awt*a»al<i8t.«,   2er.cht.8t.aT  - 
Unt.r  «U.n  M»n«eh«i,   ul.  Ich  keua.,    #ar«i  ;a«  eln.  d.r  tapferatM 
Empferliinwi  la  d.r  Scolacht  d.s  -ol.t..  g.g.n  dl.  laterl..   Ab^r  daa 
let  ail  nb.tmktt   SI.  warea  .a  nlcht  aur  la  sro8..n  int.«h*lQUa^'<(«|    m 
war  ZhnM  8.  noturllch,   daas   ..  Ihr  Lt^w  durehpuista  bla  la  all. 
Slu«.lh.lt.n.     Oim.  Path.Uk.   oha.  apott  u«    iioeteut.   aha.  lr<tM4  Mtf- 
h.b.aa  daTon  lu  aactiaa.   brachan  £1.  mjt    d«r  /CouT«Btloa  la  allaa  tfaa- 
k«a  uBd  nur  fur  Ihr.  Pcir.oat  aachtun  al«aad«B  .la.  Vorachrlft  awaua. 
nad  SI.  Tsrfl«l«a  nleht  d.r  "/.fahr.    «laa  KoareatLa  nur  Wth.r.r  ^t- 
tuac  m  .taMinroi.     Sla  war.a  a  B.  nlcht  ela.  galatraleha  !>«■•*  di« 
alBM  Utwrarlaehan  Svlan  hl.lt.     'im  war  Ihr.  Lu.t*   .la  Zlaa.r  rail 
lab.adlg.r  Qelst^r  na  .leh  m  hab.a«  t.b  dsBMi  abm  JadCT  Slas«laa 
•twaa  Tarha«b.a  au.at.  uad  dla  luaamiMi  .twaa  warhailbMi  Buaataa*   dla« 


r 


I 


»  • 


.1 


i 


4. 

L^glsl^tlTv  d«r  Ide«  li  koD^titiil •r«a  und  tin*  R«Tolutloa  g«g«a  das 
xuralllj  v;«word«ii«  in  aII^h  ••itian  bXlA^haAtigtm  Taraonei^oaltioiiaB  i 
organlbi*srea«  Ihr  ^inub«  ma  d«A  aeist  al»  awig  l«¥tfiidi^«ii  Urspruag 
g^geoubtfr  a«B    mt   Vutoritat  g«rOi.a«a«a  attlbst8ich«r«a  Uebvrkomaa 


so  w&hr  und  tiefgahvadt   daas  Sl«  Ihra  achllm  badrohta  Gsauadhaitt   Ihr 
g«rdhrd«t9a  Leb«n  d<fr  ladixln  ait  allaa  ihran  sut^^gtstiroa  KachtMlttaXa 
daa   )iriBaanschaftliclian  ArbttltanaeUwoisaa   antsot^ea  uad  dar   Jaat;as  Jtatar* 
halilcuiida     aoxuTartri^uaa  wa^taa»   oleht   atwp  aus  ratlooalar  Uabarla«puigf 
Eiaeh   \b«a.eS<»a  dtrr  Jruadat    oOad  .ra  aurch  oia    tlnf  r«»ll^i6aa  ivhrliebkait 
iiM  ^.rn«uaraa,;8^1iuben  jaceis  prophetisch  bauarlsehau  Waruaaorfar  ?abri« 


kaiiten  uberscu^t   und  ich  daaka» 


t;roBaaa  Vortali   Ihrar  latstaa  Jahra 


Dar  Va«{atarlanlaitaia   ant«>prach  so  stihr  Ihr«tfi   tl«ff«n  sittliohaa  Rai»> 

llchkeitabadurfolB. 

Si  a  mnT9u   aiaa  -   " 

'*Ich  kann  nichts  dafari    wartaa  3ia!    Also  Yon  aina^u  aadaraiA  Puakt  anas 
weun  ?ji9  la  "^haatar  in  dar  latztaa  ^alariaraiha  aaeaan  odar  bai  das 
Philunra^niachan  ia  ubarfuilten  !Iaua  aueh   #ohl  mnnebmul  auf  dai^  Stab* 
piatsatufant   -    a&  iat  uoeb  so   aina  juta  Akkuatik  ubaraUt    aagtaa  Sia 
und  hntt«n  ^n  dan  Tag  «ia  rialaii  Arman  Kohla  rartailtt  in  Ihrar  algaai 
Wohnung  irratidan  haiciloaan  umheriSaatoaaanan  Koiiatlarnt   Lehrara*  Xk^l^ 
karn  ala  :)a8tau  ^iiit  dankbarar  Fraucia  und  sartar  Sorgliehkait  aia  Kmjl 
gabotaa;" 

"Sia  sind  kleinlichi   Ich  haffat  Sia  wisaaa  andarea  rmn  airf*   '•  "as  t^ibt 
es   «uf   der  V<elt»    ^lUi.'Ber    r'r^ude   bereiten,    Leiden    er leichtsrn?-    I;och 
Sia    wuaateQ  aa  uad  aa  fullta  diaa  andara  arat  in  araatllAar  Badantiuig 

Ihr  Laban  aaat   Sia  auchtaa*   aachtaa  nach  daai  8ina»  dan  Kara  dar  Waltf- 

halt.   leh  kinn  mir  Sia  nlcht  andara  Taratallaat   ala  vana  Sia  fragaa 


odar  lehraat  laraaa  adar  barataai   Aar  Qaatalt  gamrdaa 


a  jata  wiUa< 


*Und  aaina  Tahlart  Ich  auaa  d«eh  aaah  Vahlar  gahabt 
iaaar  daa  Wiahtigal* 


habaa*  Dla  aiaA 


»«chruf  nm  3r«b»  too  ?rau 


a« 


^'   a  X     B  r  o  I 


.'  c  -:  ^ 


ila-a.  d.r  yalil..   «^.«.  ^„  ii t=rarl.c,»«.  and  pMIoeoohl- 
"'''•"  "•""" *•  "—   '^^  -o«l    tX.ch^  Or«anieaU,n  b^.  u^ 

auf  ,l««,i   dl.   ^b.chlsde.tuna,  .chi  tian  uad  aaa  i..b-n     h       . 

e>«M  u«a  aaa  i<ebeaf   daa  ctu  i^efuhrt 

t>a»tf    Barta  ?iuita   -    •■   war  «lr.   «,.•«♦    <      <      ,. 

•B  war  «ln  ,cat  ju^.i.chee  -«&««:    la  ail  d,ia« 

Tua  uad  :;enlc,n   •«rot    au  d»r   eaelBte  -y-^u,   ,    <:,.   t..«i      .„         .      , 

jr.  «■   »    (laa  Ideal  ulaor  Jadlachea 

?rau,       Jauiacll    wnr^a   dl#    ar-hsirv...    ..    • 

r^a  aie   8oheliib«r«n  ^etr^n^-^tz.  In  d^ium  CharaJcter, 

Jaalech  a.,  .„r-o.x..    «,  der  au  dlch  .«s  ale„a  ..,.a«.t.«.  !«,„ 
*l..er  durcUic^prfat.    J..l.ch  war   uxe  S.,psia.    ..e   uu   ail«  .«»^«, 
rlchtua«,a  .at^.^enorachtest.    .   J...,eh  aber   ,uch  ui.   «tat.  Ju^,a4. 
Uch,  Leiaeuacii&ft,   >at   u.r  au   ai.s,  Ct   toua-.-a   erriff.n   h      ♦      r 
war   d,la.  ^r^a«Xa..  Her.e....ut..    .   Jaai.cU  auch  ula   atr.ag.  Kritlk. 
dl.  .«   .a  aich  uad   -.a  nil,  K.a.ch.n  uad  Zuatande  aale.test.     D.iaa 
indlTldu,  l-.ig«a,xUl^,  .«.....fuaru«g   war  J.aisch  -   uad  Juui.ch  aocb 
auch  die  w.hre  -.»,ia,cbaf t.   al.  d«    .la^,  ^  ^,,^  ^   ,,^^,,^^   ^^^^^^^ 

••na  „  In  a-  Jahea  V-rlu-t.   tt,r  ua,  g,troff.B  fact,    elnw,  -roat 
«lbt.   80  ist   «,  a«r,    ao»,   .Xr  a,a  Jt.«i  d,«  juui.  b«a  Volke.,    au,  d-  " 
4— ar  »l,d,r   aolchc  edl,  uaa  au^BerordeatUehe  ~yp,B   wie  au  herrw- 
iehea  ».rdea,    kraftroil  uad  ^auuaa  b..ntoaa  -oa«a,      •    U   wlr  dlch 
gelieht     ad  T«rehrt   ,iab.a.    ,1,  a,lt«o  aue.  ;:caacix,B.    wU*  .Ir  d« 
Volke.   de.  alch  herrorsebracht   hat,   Trw.  b.wanr.  .     so  faaa.  leh  d.l. 
VeraJiehtBl.  arf  .     Wlr  horea  d«la«  lieb,  rtla.,,    wl,  al,  una  ao  oft  ' 

In  dan  Tartrautan  rler  riuden  dalnea  Heiw    «rkiuag«a  let  uad  *lr 


gdlobeB  •••    aoTlaX  la  una  llegtt   dlr  alaao  Irulsetaa  Uaatarbllehkolt* 
dla  uB.  tarbllehkalt  dalava  7ypua,   m  arkaiKpf  aa  -   was  abar  dlo  aadara* 
dla  blaBllecba  Unaterbllebkalt    aiiiai.«;t*    so  jlnuba   Icht    daaa  du  ala 
«1d«  J«r«cht«(    dlcu  aeuta  hciiati  i«r  Schachlaa  •rfrouatt   aach  aar  dH 
dich  if»«iiat  h'lat,   aain  gaa-a*  I<<ib«a  lane. 


♦  #c 


?u«  gfifiy 

In   <flll0B  seiner  0«dl  ehtband*  findet  eieh  oln  G«dleht  mus  d«B 
•r0t«n  W«lt1trles»    (D«r  Band  ist   1917   erBchl«n«a)»   debs«a  Titsl   *Aa 


7rnii  :  ttrtm  7.*v  Auf  Jen«  geistig  Tom«lMi«  2>ns«  hlx^slvit*   di«  ais 
Mutter  aer  Varfaseeriu  la  Klttelpuakt   d«r  uler   fi3lg«iid«a  \urji«lek- 
aun^sn  el  nr  ?aBlil«iiehronik  istvia  •      leh  hnbe  ai«  wleder   «in«a  tf«a- 
Bchsn  1r«i*&tta  a^lmrnt^   d«r  bo  wi«  ?rau  B^rta  ?»uta  uureh  and  durli 
aus   a«fi  Ulrb«ln  ola^r  g-ins  und  gar  J9iati^«a  Leldei^acaaf tiicakeit 
btat^ban   achlsat   d«r  nilt   3ieh  seiust  ia  iiaapf  1h^  uud  a«r0   da  uad  dart 
«ich  alt  G  Choi  111  OiiiUitiQB   2Ufrl<»a«a  c>«)>^<a(1»    wi«  wlr  98  ror  d^r  i^ata- 
atropht  don  Ariat^vauubruclis  Xil4  daciais    ill*  tat^n*   la  ^aaasD  a^cli 
nlvBiAXt  das  Zl«l  a^r  tii^fat^A  :>rk^.uixiXu  ami  dar  ^iiiforuuuti^  a«s  al^aaaa 
Salbat   ff    wl«  d«r  ^aiizaii  Ua^rait  aua  dan  Auji^n  iiasa.     Dar  ^auzma  Uawaltt 
-   dajm  ti^^cirta   -^uaa^r  inrjr  ?aai].la«    luaa  ir  ^^iStflldchartiieii  air  frai^ 
den  vJll  :dt5ruii^en»    auch  dv:r  Kr^la*   dor   kilch  xujrbt  In   o^naa  kialuaa 
Souderxii-^ai«r  das  Cafo  Lourra  li*  d«r    ^erdiii^^aQaatriaaet    upatar  in  ihrar 
schduan  '^olmua^  In   aix^aa  cilttel   It^rllCiiaa  Pra^ar  '^arg^rhaua  *VL»f^mmmi^ 

fand*     Hugo  Barja^ixaif   Felix   waitacbt    7rax4»  K^ifka  and  ich  c^ehdrtaa 
ntbut  anaaren  dlt^aaa  £ral»a   ^n,     :J.u9t«iQ  uad  aein  gatrauar  H^roldt 
Profasrfor  Hopf»    jrartfi   hAUfi^^a  Jiiata*     ?rof<*afeor  Ilopf  eroohioss  una  ia 
•iu^  «iuzigan»   unvartf«a»iicbttt  Vix*tar  kurawalsa  dia  Gahalanlasa 
swtfiar  Uaaals   99^    uaatritt^snan  n  uan  Tiaeenachnftaat    dar  HalatlTl- 
tiitethaoria  und  der  T>8ychoanalyaa.     Hit   ainaa  iiauta  kajia  aaUr  rer- 
st«llbpren  neias  uad  i^raat   wurda  hlar  unter  Ber^anaa  Leltu*    ia 
FO chant  11  Chan  Ditlcuaaionafibafidan  Knnta  Kritik  dar  rainaa  Varnunft 
Zailo  fur  Zaila  vea  naun  Uhr  ^b^nda  bia  iwi^lf  Uhr  mchta   (ua4  laa^jar) 
durch^anomaaa*     Siner  der  a  harfstrt  Diakuaaioaaradnar  war  iUnbtaat 
dar  daatla  noch  faa'   unbaknnatt  Jun^«  Profaaaor.     j£r  bakaapfta  Xaat 
utA   n  ar.erkanata  iha  dock  ^ueh,  ia  ^aiaa  Stuckaa*  wotm  ia  aaiatA 


h 

I 

I 


t. 

.pat.r«  Scarift«»  i—. r  -l.dw  Spurii  auffuehfa.     Su  folg.«d. 
j.hr  B-h  ua.  b,i  H.i-1'.  PhdnoMoni.  d*.  3a«t...   d-uu.  b.i  Br«eh.tiiok«« 
Ton     icUt..  ^1.  «.n«cliaft.l.hr^,  dl«  allerding.  beld.  Ton  ua*  «leht 
«dtr   80  lUMiebuxijoToU  «el«8«n  wurdw,    •!•  .In  od.r  aar  »«1  Ja^w. 
laafi  K«iate  ^roano  »erk.     iDwm  riw  ua.  der  Krl««  ausalnaadw.- 
0ft  liab.  Ich  y.l..uns3ii  wiBtfesproch*!,   di.  In  dle.««  Kra.«  nidht  «•• 
fi.irt,   di.  h«f«»  ^^Jipft  *urd«n.     U«b«r  nil.  VUmrme^^tin4niuu» 
Wnweg  aber  hAbe  ich  »leh  j.raU.  hi,r  «u  U«U8.  j.fuhit.     Und  in  di.- 
sem  ~.i'M^  0.0;,  m-^n  il.   oln  i.aj,   arwJuifn  Vt.«   auff-iU3«,    di«  ich 
nun  h.iah'fr  a  at  i  at 

in    ^r«tu   Berta    ?» 

Oelater  wlrktn   aler  una  dortt 
Kleina  FiAiaachan  imaarfort 
sunvjln  'lUf  'in  aancha»  ^rt»- 

amaa  liacht   durch  Znubc-r^ortt 

einaa   habt   sich  and  Tardorrt. 


Heiter    :ib*t  Im  aiasan  IftHsaa  ?la:^< 
aina  lleiaatt    ein  Baiaaiaaaa* 
1^1  a   f^onet    auaeinnnaar  claitaa# 
naharn  hier   bich  aua  dan  laitaa* 

I at   aa   ein  basoudaras  Haua? 
In   d*tr   wciten  kniten  ^alt 
a*jltan  sich  ain  Flaaaichan  halt. 
Hiar  nua  t5ehn  »ia  nia  ala  auat 
liiar  gadaiht   ihr  haiaaar  Schein  - 
"iarttiant    aura  uraachaaaatl 


••^«il   dar  Bodan  as-i.bat  hiar  brauntt 
j^^nr  ?laam9  i-icht  und  Paia." 


/ 


n 


cv^\^ 


^ 


(^ 


mm»^m^-~- 


LEO      R  A   i;  C  K      I    N  S  T  I  T  LI  T  F 

IIV  lASr  :wd  MHI.I  I     .     M\\    \>nn.     \\    uh,2\     •     Ull.ntbndcr  i  6400 


FOM    FOK    OESCHIITION   (P    MKMOIHS 


W^;^7  c      . 


'/r^ 


u 


Loccition:         /^/^'// 
Plocr.^.    Bcx.V^.    Filet'/ 


1.    Author:    Not  mentioned      "Your   Mother's    sister" 


2.  Title  of  Merr.oir: 


FAMILY  FRAGMENTS 

Photocopies  of 


Original   letters  in  German 
150  pp. 


3.  Language  and  length  of  memoi?-: 

with  typed  translations    c 

4.  Subject  of  ncmoir: 

Letters  c.  1900-1970 

5.  Date  covered  by  memoir: 

1900-1970 

6.  Form  of  memoir:  ♦)  individual  bin 

autobiography 
corporate  hintory 
•^^  letter  honk  ****^* 

collective  h.i  story  of  one  or  more  families 
♦)  pleaso  circle  one 

7.  Summary: 

Subject  index  shovild  list,  maior  ontries  about: 

personal  and  fninily  nnmen 

corpornt  ion5;/indnstr  ien 

town  or  region  or  Jowir.]^  comrrunity  of  the  town 

historical  events 

8.  If  photogr.ii-hs  or  fvin^ily  '.r.-f^s  in  rnei.clr 

Photocopies  of  photos,   3  origi-nal  French  ID  papers  ,  1  photocopy  of 
French  ^pu^^ipp^gjd^r^lg^l.  ^Phtoc,j,^i^e^  <^f  jD^MENSIC^NS^^^^s^^ue  ^S^^ing  1967 


10.  Copyright: 


11.  Donor: 


Mrs.  Marianne  Berel 
76  Riverside  Drive 
New  York.  NY    10024 


The  University,  a  former  monastery,  w.-\3  situated 

next  to  the  river  "Oder."  It  was  a  good  size  river 

with  lots  of  greens,  full  of  langousts  and  a  nice 

swimbatn. 

There  were  a  number  of  churches  and  a  ?*vna^7o^"ue, 

A  few  cable  cars  connected  the  various  parts  of 

the  city.  Ours  was  nicknamed  "the  rolling  synagogue," 

since  most  people  using  this  number  2  were  "our  kind 

of  people. " 

For  our  parents  life  in  Dreslau  appeared  to  be  a 

contented  one.  A  man  brought  ice  during  the  summer 

months,  an  older  woman  came  weekly  to  mend  our 

socks  and  clothing  and  a  tiny  crosseyed  woman  came 

to  do  ci.e  f aiMi  i  y  l«iindry  in  the  h'»semont, 
I  still  see  her  in  the  misty  vanor  of  these  large 
wooden  basins,  trying  to  roll  over  the  heavy  towels 
and  linen  of  our  household. 

They  all  had  to  be  hung  up  in  the  courtyard  for 
drying  and  then  pressed  by  the  maid. 
The  cook  remained  in  the  kitchen. 
During  our  earlier  childhood  we  had  a  girl  for 
ourselves , but  when  we  went  to  school,  she  was  dis- 
missed and  we  only  had  two  maids,  besides  the 
additional  helpers. 

My  father  was  "off"  Wednesdays  to  play  billiard 
and  my  mother  was  "off*  »^*ond  lys  for  the  subscription 
concerts.  Fridays  all  stayed  home  -  and  no  visitors* 


■^i^mmmmm 


Saturdays    we    went    mostly    to     tho    country. 
Two    grnnd    pianos    were    in    the    musicroom,    ono   upright 
in    our    room    and    there    was    another   in    the    co  in tryhome. 
Thus,    we    had    U    pianos    in    3     different    places. 

In    the    nominf?    the    maid    knocked    at   my    parent's    bod- 

room    door    to    Q'^Ck.^^'    the    curtains.    Hreakf  as  t\/sr?rved    at 

8:30.    y'y    father,    dressed    in    a    stiff    collar    and    tie, 

my    mother    in    a     Iressing    gown.     After   my    father    left 

for    the    office,    my    mother    arr  mgod    our    social     life 

over    the    telephone. 

At    1 : JO   my    father    returned    for    lunch: 

soup,    meat,    potatoes,    vege  tables  ,  gravy  ,     s'^^ewed    friit. 

Water   and    grenadine    for    a    drink. 

Then    ny    father    retired    with    a    cigar,     reading    ar^d 

sleeping    for    about    an    hour.    He    then    had    tea    anrl    some 

sweet,    steDped    back    to    the    officn    for    a    little 

while    and    played    chess    in    a    club    the    rest    of    the 

afternoon . 

Dinner  at  7:30»  usually  slices  of  d'^rl:  old  bread, 

butter  and  coldjcuts.  Tea  for  a  drin-:. 

Friday:  special  day,  hot  chocolate,  fresli  bread  and 

butter. 

At  one  point  we  aad  a  c  ir  (^onz)-  but  since  my 

father  did  not  drive,  (nor  did  he  h  ve  any  wish 

to  learn  it)  we  had  a  chauffeur.  -J-^is  became  a' so  a 

necessity,  since  my  father  acqiired  a  we'^^knnd  hoise 

in  Zobten  am   Berge.  This  was  especially  built  according 

to  his  instructions. (1928 ) 


i 


Kjk«3^i   VooXu      I 


\c.c^^ 


I 


Q>.* 


AV      Cc-^     T 


VoiA-e 


NdV 


C  vw 


It 


all    seemed    like    a 


change.     Usual 1 


routine,    wh 


ich 


would    neve: 


:iv 


faster    ti 
vacations 


parents    went    t 


ne,    but 


o    some 


ve    AI 


ace   at 


i     went    fo 


,    mostly    to    -^wit 


-on,:    sumnor 


^loli  iays   my 


Ch 


parents    went 


ristmas    to    the 


z  e  r '  an ,  I . 
'■^'Tain    som 


or    t!ie    J 


ewiah 


an  d   in  e 


mountains    wit:    skii 


ewhere    and    agai 


n 


n^ 


or 


V. 


rale 


II 


The 


se    vacati 


g-ether   wi  th    f 


ns    were    oft 

riends    or    f 


en     ised    b 


V    taki 


n^    tho 


m    to- 


uncle    Geor^ 


amil  V 


embers 


m 


t    my    mo  ther ' s 


'^  s  1 1  y 


Somewhat    later  my 


^<^^t    beloved    brot: 


ler 


t'J    be    al 


mother   used    t 


he    short 


on«j 


in    Zobten    an i 


er    vacati 


ons 


a    nice    place 
occasional    s 


et    my    fath 


She 


cl 


or   go 


aimed     that    f 


one    to 


operations 


r    a   cood    m, 


trri 


'<re    h 


erale    and    1 


e  il  thv 


affe 


wen  t    t 


le 


o    school,    had 


amed    t 


^•usic    1 


'^    swim 


ad 


essons 


were   m  my    birthdays 


special    ^ym    sessi 


ons 


rel ati 


»     t':ere 


and 


eft 


V'^s    and    f 


P  an ter    stayed 


rionds    came 


maJ-ce    our 


^i th    us    fo 


'ortrai  ts 


r  months    t 


o 


durinr:   all    h 


^inixers    and 


s  tr 


ours 


thi 


it    was    busy    with 


nc    players 


a  I  1 


n^s,    when    tho    siad 


sorts      of 


ows    be.-.an    t 


our   lif 


o    cr  "e 


o 


s     to    d 


OS  troy    evt?rvth 


P    into 


in^    ti 


ere    ever 


was 


I 

i 


P   A    M    I    I     Y 


FRAGMENTS 


compiled 
written 

and 

edited 

by 


YOUR      MOTHER'S 


SISTER 


MARIANNE 


I 


VI TH 
GRE.vT 

LOVE 

TO 

YOU 

ALL 


Chi  cago 

Soptember   1982 
t:»kon    by    Rita's 
son    Anthony 
I hrahim 


U    E    R   i:   L,      noe      SCHIPF. 


\ 


I    N    T    .R    0    D    U    C    T    I    O    N 


In    his    book    *^^e.un    ^hristophe"    Ron: n in    ^^ol  i  rjid 
excl  aims  :  "^'eurs  ,    Jean    ^hristot)he,     .'eurs,     r>)ur 
revivre !  "  ( Die ,    Jen    ^hristonhe,    ^ie,     to    live    af^ain.) 
It    happens    frequently,     that    an    end    turns    out    to 
be    anot.er    be(;inning.     -similarly,     this    hap-^ened 
to    me, 

Preoccipied    with    death,    I    just    received    a    book 
I    had    ordered    "^^ow    to    L)ie    wi  tl;    Uignity."    -^y    coin- 
cidence   my    friend    L.     came    to    see   me    and,    bein^    in 
that   mood,    I    showed    him    one    of    my    diaries    he    had 
wanted    to    see    already    for    a    lon^x    time. 
'^gain,    by    coj^nciilence,     I    saw    Verale's    poen    in    my 
diaryiwliich    she    had    written    after   my   mother's    death. 
Like    a    flash    it    ,:ave   me    the    idea    to    translate    it 
f  .r    you    and    perhaps    -    I    have    other    thin^^s    in    or^ler 

to    make    a    collection.       I    did 

However,    by    translating    these    papers,    I    had    been 

tempted    at    tires    to    use    a    little    better    /^r  vmmar,     than 

the    originals.    But    t'en    I    decided    to    rer.ain    as 

faithful    as    possible,     although    grammatical    constellations 

freq'ientiy    scened    a    bit    awkward. 

Yo'i    will     ilso    have    to    forgive    mo    of    typing    errors, 

but    unfortunately,     the    piper    I    needed    does    not 

exist    in    an    erasable    quality. 

So    here    is    some    of    the    past    and    I    shnll    be  :in    with 

the    description    of    the    town    where   we    grew   up: 


B    R    E    3    1    A   U 
(now    called    .t'rozlav,-) 


BREST    A    U 


A3    you    see    on    the    map,    Dreslau    is    located    like    a 
spider    Within    a    web    surrounded    by     the    f.amous    cities- 
Vienna,     Prague,     Berlin.     Budapest    and    V.sovie 
In     those    days    these    cities    s.emed     to    be    far    awav 

yet,     the    I'olish    border    as    well      .s     the    one  f 

,  ^'^    ^^'o    one  from 

C^eechoslovakia   was    only    an    hour   drive    and  ^ 

^^    D       , .  urive    and  travelllnr 

to    Ber.in    or    Vienna    was    q„ite    conmon    r 

*  common    for    people    like 

my    pi  rents, 

Breslai    ha  i    cxbout    600.000    people 

Aat.ou..    a    .elauveiy    s.alX    tow..    ,.    n.a    Tou.    theater,. 
TWO    for   plays    only,    one    for  Musicals    ,^.    one    for 
Cabaret . 

T^ere    was    a    concert    hall    for   about    400    people    ana    one 
lor    chamber   music. 

An    orchestra    with    two    full     tine    conductors,    a   .adio 
statxon.    a   museun,.    some    swanky    nightclubs    with    a 
band,    where    one    could    drink    and    dance    until    4a   m 
3o.e   nice    Motels,    a    castle    with    candlelight    co^e:*, 
at    txnes.    A    few   movie    theaters,    a    h*^e   hall    caUed 

Die    Jahrhu^dert    Halle"    for    exhibitions    and    a    zoo 
Moreover.    ^    opera,    playing    the    entire    season    and'a 
University,     faznous    for   Drahms    composing    the    •■  •  caH      , 
festival    there.  -.cademic 


,,/  *. 


>^k: 


.#>  ■ , ' 


■' T  • 


LA -"^    -*' 


i^.tfM 


lAM 


r".'  -^f'-.n 


U  a/TjrKrf.  Jf 


<;;jj;    _     Jif    ji'h'r^'uif'l't'^i.t 


ncj  ?  « 1  ii" '    »  I  J.     » 


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Cu.^\ 


6.     b  ^ 


^  f^ 


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ci  ^  *>-^  V  V-  c  A , 


:  i    I    ^  J '    f  ■  I 


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fer>  -11-  --  V  r:;^- 


,  r-.  *' 


"^■r:f.*"'.m' 


.-  --ev^r- 


"■*  ■*'*^','t* 


****< 


*^-:!^-rflrv 


^''^^SKri 


^.l::^ 


j':f  .j'l  liV'^  f  \iV r  %ff,fnuhfr  iirr  Saniit'-.ir 


\  c-'r^'-JULr-  iH^A 


•!  \  Tf.nAl 


•«3.,./. 


T 


Vv  A. 


{ 


\ 


\ 


^ 


^ 


o   *--^ 


w-^.  a.>-^<^  c. 


S^ 


M    e    i    n 


Vatel     Chen 


My    father    was     the    son    of    a    rather   well    to    do    man 

who,  together    with    others^  f  uinded    a    fim    cp.lled 

"Simon    i^emh  ird    Levi.**     (La  ter: '*Schlesische    Foumi  erwerke  .  "  ) 

Without    any    formal    education,  as    well    as    bein^   very 

young    to    conduct    a    big    business,    my    fattier   was 

most    probably    the    victim    of    perpetual    criticism 

from    the    various    partners    incl  .     his    o\/n     father, 

FortTina  tely ,     his    father   died    soon    and    he    was    now 

placed    in    char/je    as    a    full     fie  I/:ed    T>artner. 

The    business    brought    enouf^h    money    to    supr^ort     five 

families    living   quite    well. 

There    were    abont    80    workers    in     the    sa^/mill    md    a 

number    of    employees    in     their   own    office    bull  ling, 

"Sonnenplatz    -r3f"     ^o    which    Verale    refers    in    one    of 

her    poems. 

Another    office    was    maiy\tained    in    Berlin    and    .mother 
in    Hamburg. 

I    had   been    told,     that    my    grandfather   had    boon    the 

first   millionaire    in    Dreslau.    So    my     father   had    to 

struggle    with    ex-jerienced    partners    and    I    am    quite 

certain,     that    it     took    him    years    before    he    felt    to 

have    been^accepted. " 

"Mein    Vatel chen:" 

Arthur,    Josua    Schiff,    bom 

June    12,    1881    in    Dreslau,     had    been    the    ytjunger 

brother    of  ''>malia,    called    Malchon .  (Mother   of    Use 

and    .Vnnerr.ari  e . 


/^^ 


♦  ♦••••♦♦  ••••^^••••••••*  •  •- 


Richard  Schiff 


My  grandmo t^ier  loved  M.ilchen,  but  not  my  father. 

'^^e  wns  perhaps  not  much  to  look  at  or  bra^j  about. 

A  poor  stu  lent  in  school,  reticent  in  all  he  did, 

he  was  freq  .ently  beaton,  as  -was  the  custom  in 

those  days. 

There  was  also  a  younger  brother,  named  IHchard, 

bright  and  charming,  who  never  married  and  died 

for  Germany  in  1917* 

Since  Malchen  died  of  cancer  at  an  early  a/^e, 

my  grandmother  was  left  with  the  one  son,  she 

never  cared  for. 

We,  the  grandchildren  liked  my  grandmother  very  much. 

But  Vatelchen  only  spoke  in  negative  terms  about  her. 

Except  for  a  little  swimming  or  walking,  my  father 

shied  most  physical  activities. 

But  he  loved  flowers.  The  moment  he  was  in  the 

country,  he  would  pick  any  little  blossom  placing 

it  in  his  buttonhole,  almost  every  week  he  brought 

s  vme  precious  flowers  to  my  mother. 

His  birthday  always  began  by  having  a  heavy  crystal 

basket  filled  with  moss  and  the  most  expensive 

red  roses  wore  cut  short  to  fill  the  flat  crystal. 

This,  the  maid  placed  on  ny  father's  nighttable 

early  in  t'.ie  noming,  so  when  he  woke  up,  he  would 

smell  the  sweet  perfume  of  roses. 


/ 


^ 


m% 


r 


,  ^ 


1 


Thus,    my    mother    ha.l    a 


ose     tree    r;lante<l 


on 


his    r.r    ve    in    Oxford,    which    frrew    b 


e.-iMtifull  V 


until    she    was    bined    ther 


e    herself 


I    had    another    rosetree    plantei,    whicl 


is    still 


there,    but    t: 


lere    is    no    su!)erintend 


ent    anymore 


to    main  t.-  in    i  t . 

One    d.-.y    Verale    had    t 


e    idea    to    b 


rinfj    some    rose 


petals    to    her    in    I ondon ,     something    1    continued 


to    do,    until    she    be(;ged    me 


not    to    do    it    anym 


ore 


Vatelchen    was    a    thi 


nicer    and    verv    fond    of 


soDhis ti  ca  tod 


iterature    and    the    the-ter 


3    a 


passion.'te    chess    pliyer 


he  a 


most  received  t 


title  oi: 


master 


M 


Frequen  tl y  ho  al  s 


o  p! ayed 


skat  md  bil  iard 


He  felt  to  be  a  '"rerman  Jew,  but  in 


r  o  t  ro  s  n  e  c  t 


I    think    he    was    t 


o 


o    intern. itionaliy    -riented    to 


really    feel    "^erman." 

He    avoided    to    be    drafted    in    191^    by    intoxicati 

himself    with    ..ispilrin    --    paid     l.ir.-e 


nf: 


1  urn  3  o  f  m 


oney 


to  my  uncle  Ise  in  Herlin 


who  appeared  t 


o  have 


some 


»i 


pull 


He  hated  war  from  the  very  bottom  of  his  soul 
His  clothes  were  expensivi;  but  not  very  "chic 
1^1  ly  aware  of  his  respo  ::sibi  1  i  ti  es  ,  he  had 


M 


/ 


r 


perhaps   more*    than    he    was    able    to    carry. 

Consequently,    when    the    Nazis    apr>eare<!    on    the 

scene,    he    was    too    reluctant    to    consoliriate 

everytaing    and    leave    ^erniany. 

'^e   may    h.we    been    a   bi  t    too    attached    to    his 

status,     IS    well    as    his    possessions.    Thus , the 

inttiitive     irive    to    leave,    as    oppOsed    to    his 

awareness    for   his   many    responsibilities, 

genero-ted    a    tremendous    pressure    and    a   great 

deal    of    anxiety. 

^either    could    lie    believe    in    Zionism     \nd    wou  M 

bring    all     ;inds    of    arguments. 

•^cared    of    thp    c  »ming    Vazis,     yet    not    sufficiently 

courageous    to    go    into    the    unkno\/n    worM, 

he    remained. 

Some    came    to    propose    leaving    together,    such     >s 

my   mother's    brother   Qeorg,    who    did    .-^et    out    in 

time    with    all    he    had.     >^i  th    his    and   my    father's 

money,    we    would    all    be    sitting    today    in    "-'rasil 

quite   nicely. 

But   --    it   was    not   meant    to    be,    1X%   his    inability 

to    decide   my    father  hoped,    that    these    antisemf^Cc. 

threats   wo ild    ease,    once    Hitler    reached    the    top. 


Wliat   happened    then,    you   know: 

1938   all    synagogues    were   burning   and  male  Jews 

were    forced    into    concentration    camps. 

So    after  he   was    in    Buchenwald,    he    immigrated    to 

England,    where,    as    an    ennemy    alien    he   was    nut    a^ain 

into   an    internment    camp   about    a    year   later. 

There,    on  my  mother's  birthday,    he  hung  himself   in 

the    toilet    with    a   belt   1    had   mailed   him    for  his 

birthday 


y^ 


l>-stf 


C^ommen  t : 

^e    following    letter    written      ,o.       k 

was   mailed    after   he    wis    i  n    n      u  "^ 

^    """^    ^"    Duchenwald.    iie    broke 
has    lee    there,     since    he    fell    do,vn    a    Cli^^t    of 
stairs.    Intentionally   -   i    ^.^3    ^^^^ 
But.    wh.t    really    Ha.pe.ed.    we   .av    nover   ;.now. 

"ow   .pset    he    was    while    writing    this    letter 
you    mav    r:otice     th^f-       -,  i  *-v,  ^«ti;er 

'        .  '^^^'     althou^:.    ho    Icnew    it    was    a 

boyhe    wr.tes    •.!    still    dent    Ico.    her   na.e,    as 
well    .3    his    ropea,i.,,    ,,,    ^^^^^^^^^    ^^ 
about     the    nrime.  ^ 

Or.    Meidner-   was    a    well     Vr^  . 

In    nr^ooT ^ouTi    physician 

in    Oreslau    and    a    close    frxend    of  m,    p,,,ents. 

^exr    son    in    the    Con^o.    a   ,ood    friend    of   .Uicel  > 

J-    met    bin:    with    his    family     years    -,^  v,     , 

Alicel.  ''^°    ""^^^^    Visiting 

H£iil£:    n,y    ex-husband    —    i„i„g    ^^,, 
money  -^^ 


Interesting    his    intuiti 


son      probably    represents    the    future: 


AND    SO    IT    13 


on,     tiiat    Veral 


e  '  s 


^ 


ku 


<^dH^        L 


>*ifl(.A^ 


^ 


I 


^^CcH^M.  ^VH4   A.  %«C^ 


\A\  . 


^'•V  ^€l-t4.1^<,^ 


'^•'Vt< 


^^'^S.**^ 


tUs^ 


^  '^-eA-A4    (..vvuc     4,,,U.       t*.^,  ^x    u  •  ' 


\  ..  {  --V  ,vtL       JC^^      ^^         ^^^^     ^.^ 


Jxc*    J^^^   ^^ 


%^ 


V/^.A— AJ^v*"^*^ 


t^^JLe^ 


lA^tM 


,,,^_,^.Jut.    TW*-v^<. ,  V*< 


^•^  li^*.^  '^       "^^^      Om.^  i-^  w^ 


I 

\ 


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C\u  .  o*^  <^*^     ■^' 


I 


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'VC^   ^'wtfl 


VyXJU^^  •>  i<^44.^-"iWiv<-A^*^ 


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•^~; 
A 


•^ 


f 


December  2o ,  1038 
My  beloved  children 

Tl">e  Is  rufl„in,T  md  we  ,re  r-   , 

t":":cisrv^-'.^rrrd  -^  ^-"-"'^^ -"f -bJir^  ^^^  '^•■'-  *^« 

cut  13  done  from  f^e  outside!  "^"''"l^'^  '"d  so 
And  with  you.  (Iott-  v 

"f  whom  I  still  do  lll^:    probably  nevt  to  vou   ,< 
Vo-  in  our  though?,."'  '"'°''  ^<^'-  "-«.  Vo  w^re'./;^^'  ,*\«  *^^ture. 

/Trent    de  a    vl  th 

Hopefully    the    snHr^    ,. 

to    London    fron    your    ^'f!^    '"^ '  ' "     "^    received    .      , 

^oe.s    not    vl.h    to    "o    th:'!'"    '"    '"-'   "-^  t ten     V  Oo^T'"^:  ^"-Itatlon 
behave.  "°    ^'^«'-«-      "nd    1    „ont    know  n^se^^    k*    '^ '    '-""el 

-^yolf   how   we    should 

Yesterday   I    wont    nm-    r 

very    difficult.     I    ^    ^.  ^^^    ^'^^   whom    the    fireweli     . 

Anncmle    very    well  ^"^^'^^    together   with    ann         ^^    "'-^turally 

nurse,    who    knows 

^'esterday   -^    vent    to 

sentimental    of ficer . 'Cho'^a^w'''^''    '°    '^'^    "-^k.    T>.e    t^„ 
'^'eidner's    want    ro    ^o    to    th      ^'^^    '^^'^    t.'^-'iness   wit,!  ,.         "  "°''- 
tMn.s    do    not    yet    w^^rrou'^."^    ^'^^    ^"    ^^-   ^onj^  ^';,Th^    "J-t. 

an,    stiJl    paTu/\rb:,^^7;--     »ut.     since   you   .-.re    m    b   . 

or   15   d.,,rees.  "^  "^ '    ^^   ^^    fitting,    particularly   wrth'^"   ^ 

■^  -  y    with    a   cold 

So     what     is     Ills     n    ,m« 

^^ov    i.    the    bre.3t^Xr;re':i'^^    ""^^^'^    ^^^    ^^o..    ho   ..i    . 
a    picture?  ^    '""^    ^^^^    movomonts?     -hen    ,.11  /        "*"    ~ 

^    ^^ili    we    ^et 


Take    c  ire 


•>"br.icln^    you 

Your    V    tol 


beloved   Verale 

I    send    you   kindest    regards,    hope    that    you    are 

well    again    to    ncjurish    your   child,    Vith    the    lines 

from    -Salter    we    were    very    happy,    mother    speaJcs 

little    ---    she    and    Use    very    busy    - 

today    is    auction,    anrl    feel    quite    faint    with    the 

thought    where    all    the    beautiful    things    mi^jht    go! 

Last    night    Dr.     Pincsohn    took    the    boat. 

Regards    for    ^^alter    to    whom    I    desire    a    good    life. 

Your   i/rossmiittel 


Comments:    ("rrossniu  t  tel    Sc    iff 


Grossmuttel    Schiff    grew    up    as    an    orphan- 
Both   of    her    parents    died    during    an    epiclemy, 
(1    believe    it    was    typhus) 

With    her    rather   well     to    do    husband,     she    was    able 
to    lertd    a   life    of    leisure. 

However    with    my    grandfather's    death,    war    and 
inflation    she    ended    by    depending    a    great    deal 
upon    my     father,    whom    she    disliked. 
(And    my    father   disliiced    her.  .  .  .  ) 

She    was    rather    apprehensiv    to    die    in    a    "Poorhouse" 

an    idea    she    hated    --    but    that    is    the    way    it    actually 

happened    - 

Unfortunately • 
No  one  was  able  to  help  her.  Ve  all  had  to  leave. 


Dr.  Pincsohn :  a  gynaecologist,  a  distant  relative. 

In  I95S  I  saw  him  in  Chicago  wit':  his  non  Jewish 
German  wife.  He  lived  in  a  very  pretty  house  aiid 
elegant  car.  He  invited  me  to  a  fine  lunch  at  the 
Ritz  while  complaining  bitterly  about  his  diughter, 
^*e  died  a  few  years  later,  but  his  wife  never  kept 
in  touch  with  any  of  us. 


^^^Ccu 


<^^ 


vUvK<  i<^  L'ti<  Xu 


^^i  C     (S/.L^  t^s^ 


<^TL4CK< 


r^^^     C^'    <{5^a^,.      ^^^  ^ 


^tv4v4     i-^Xuv      t-c^-U^      Iv^liJu^n     t^U-»t/     ^i^€C^h^H4yi*UC 

-/  •  J   4 

"^'^^      ii.'Uj,      i^'vU'  ^W  H  ^^  , 


/to^^ 


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v^. 


fvv^ 


'A      '^.^z 


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•  ^ 


^•-%^     u^,     ^,,4^ 


X 


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0 


7 


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f-^H^^ 


t:) 


e*-^ 


^jii<" 


T  L 


\     » 


*,...  .fi;M.... 


Gcnnan 


A.    Schlff 
St.    Anns    Tower 
KirkstnlJ    L.iiie. 
Fl.    U 


Leeds    6    May    1^,    I9/1O 


My    dear,cle.ir    M.irlaniie, 

Your    last    linos    were    soinewh.iL    dlsttirbod,     hut     thore    is 
certainly    no    reason    for    it.    Did    you    receive    a   messa^je    in 
the   meantime?    Yesterday   we    were    in    a   very    beautil\il    pare 
near   Leeds. 

Did    you    ever    read    Samuel    liutler    "The    Way    of    all    ^lesh?" 
It    interested   me,    *le    is    a    predecessor    of    Shaw. 
One    sentence:    Half    the    vices,    which    the    world    condemns    have 
seeds    of    (jood    and    retiuire    moder.tte    use    rather    than    total 
fibstincnce.     Hy    the    way    it    is    a    Ciod    believinf^    booK. 
1    do    not    read    ^^emian    anymore    :iiid    ^{jlish    is    still    difficult 
for   me    whicli    does    not    m.tlce    mo    unv    wiser. 

With    time    the    void    becomes    lar<:er.    -'■    feel    how    it    {;oes    down- 
hill.   Now    1    :\m    as    an/;ry    that    1    did    not    remain    in    Oxforci    as    I 
am    about    many    other    thin^js  •  Accept    things    as    they    come    is    not 
the    zenith    of    all    wisdom.     (Senile) 
Today    is    Heinz*  s    birthd^iy,    1    think    of   him   with   due    respect. 

Keep   loving 

Your   Daddy. 

2^:    Goethe    said    one    that   he    could   not    ima^jine    a    crime    of   which 
he   would   not   be    capable,    Muttel    did   not   understand    this 
sentence,    i3u  t    thanks    to    Goethe's    remark   it    becomes   more 
comprehensive.    It   depends    on    the   motives    as    well    as    the 
intensity    of    feelings.    The   worst    are    the    indifferent   ones, 
they   go    to   hell    firs t.  (UcUi te) 


As    a    present    for  my   birthday    in    19^^f    Muttel 

copied    the    following    fragments    of   Vatel'u    writings. 

I    do    not    remember    ever    seeing    amy   of    the    originals 

and    I    find    it    rather   strange,    that   Muttel    never 

showed    them    to    me. 

I    suppose,    the    xerox  machine   never   entered   her 

mind    and    she    did    not    want   me    to    copy    them    while 

spending   my    vacation    with   her. 

She    probably    cherished    them    very    highly.. 


As    an    example    of   her   attacliment! 
She    slept    on   my    father's    bathrobe   below  her 
bedsheets,    until    she    was    obliged    to    live    in    a 
Nursing    Home 


■■■■Will   <i 


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April  Ist,  1902 
(21  years  old) 


AS  a  child  I  implored  the  God  of  children  In  my  daily  prayer: 

I  am  a  ^reat,  (jreat  sinner,  listen  to  my  fervent  prayer' 

I  read  .ind  rend,  and  I  lost  the  old  children's  God  - 

A  believer  appeared  to  me  to  bo  a  fool  -  religion  only  satire. 

The  world  consists  of  atoms  only 

I  said  it  every  day: 

"There  is  no  God  in  heaven  above,  Uenr    this! 

VThoever  wants  to  hear!" 

And  I  meant  this  beliof  had  greater  valuo  than  onythinr  else  - 
I  had  to  rob  the  world  of  its  God, 
I  thought  myself  to  lye  very  wise. 

And    then  I  learned  to  Icnow  the  world. 

Saw  labor,  tomient  and  sorrow 

It  nearly  broke  my  heart  :"Kee[^  your  God" 

And  be  it  only  the  God  of  Bacchus 

or  be  it  one  of  forests  and  valleys 

or  be  it  the  God  who  feeds  your  bellies 

or  be  it  Mrs.  Venus  only 

Man  must  have  a  steady  God  - 

Some  call  it  an  "ideal," 

It   helps   man    bear   his    sufferings, 

it    spices    his   meas. 

So    stop    yoM    realists,     the    lie    is    so    beutiful    - 

A  victory   of    yours    - 

Mankind    would    perish    without    consolation. 


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June    20,    I903 


CULTURE  f 

WTiat   did   you   do    to   mankind : 

A   wretched    fiG:ure    in    comparison    to    wh  it    he   had   been 

placejT    which    you    did    not    yet    penetrate. 


and  in 


He  was  a  flower,  today  he  is  a  working  and  thinking  machine, 

VThat  good  is  it,  that  we  only  have  to  press  a  button,  to 
see  all  miracles  of  Western  and  liastem  culture  —  take 
only  two  steps  to  race  with  tremendous  speed  to  the  most 
distant  parts  of  the  globe,  to  sleep  on  the  softest 
paddings  ;uid  to  delight  in  the  most  delicate  food. 

Hypocrite  --  With  all  these  worldly  posessions  you  do  not 
replace  one  of  those  solemn  moments  filled  with  serene 
happiness  which  man  would  experience  deep  in  i  lonely 
forest  surrounded  only  be  the  elements  of  nature. 

Yes,  even  more  -  If  for  any  reason,  we  would  be  deprived  of 
these  "necessities"  we  feel  that,  what  appeared  to  be  of 
no  inportance,  now  turns  out  to  be  a  terrible  burden  and 
deprivation. 

You  took  away  nature's  lively  fire,  •'^lowly  and  tired  we 
creep  along,  moaning  and  sighing  under  the  burden  of  a 
thousand  year  development,  t^ach  one  almost  a  crippley 
each  decrepit  at  one  point  or  another, 
"Mature  cultivated  people." 


•  «.i\ 


Sinflood   19^2    (July) 


Sevenhoundred thousand   Jews 
Death   -   gased    -   murdered. 

Whose    dreadful    sins    have    they    been    paying    for? 

Millions    of   soldiers    -    women    and    men    are    a^ain 

bein^   sla9ghtered. 

Flowers    and   grass    are    soaked    with    blood 

>Vnd    I    imagine   mud    and   bodies    without    limbs. 

Houses    are    falling 

Children    calling 

Windows    breaking 

And   nerveraking    sirens    go    on    and    off 

Sinflood  19^2 

Four  irears  ago  July  2nd  19^^ 

Four  years  ago  and  a  day 

You  were  still  alive. 

The  ray  of  the  sun  shone  upon  your  face 

And  I  am  sure  you  must  have  felt 

Its  warmth  -  and  loved  it. 

Four  years  ago  and  one  night 

Your  heart  beat  fast 

And  you  felt  the  hour  near 

That  would  stop  its  frightened  beat 

And  stop  the  pain  and  joy  of  life. 

Four  ye  irs  cigo  in  the  morning 
You  ended  your  life  by  free  will 
Wish  God  that  you  found  peace  then 
And  sleep  a  happy  sleep. 

four  years  hence  to-day 
might  sleep 

the  sleep  of  death 

But  I  shall  have  lived  a  happy  life 

You  -  my  father  -  be  blessed! 

Vera  19^^ 


1.XJ3.(^'^» 


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March    3,    I903 


"Always    look    to    the    stars 
but    yoM    will    never    reacli    them 
So    root    firmly    on    the    ground 
^earn    to    jump,    but    never    fly." 


Concerning      RODIN'S    SCULPTURES 
in    the    Palais   de    Luxembourg: 


Never   did   I    see    so  much   life    in   dead  marble. 
Some   of  his    works   reflect    a    tenderness    that 
one  may   believe    only   women's    hands    coild  have 
produced   such   soft   shapes. 

On    the    other  hand   some   physiognomies   frighten 
us    with   such   a    strong   expression,    that   one 
would    like    to  doubt,    if    the   artist's   genius 
did  not    even    exaggerate      life's    cruelty. 
In    each   feature    expression    shows    a   particular 
individuality,    ^erything  made    such   an    impression 
that   it   was    impossible    for  me    to    see   other 
things.    Like   magic,    it    pulled    me    back    time 
and    time   again,    until    the   Museum    closed. 


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Marseille,      September    I903 


Two    so'ils    Joa.led    eictrically 
:Jxc}w-ui,';e    only    n    look 
In    Khich    the    souls     .re   dro,/nin/T 
Call     it    love    -    caJJ     it    happiness. 


Sparks    are    jumping;    across 
In    li ' ac    hlie    ' i^ht 
'Vri'l    r!    rkness    comes    a^  lin 
■^nd   ni-rlit    follows    thn      in-'t 


(Ma  J  nine     '. .  ) 


^uiy  17,   1903 


England    is    the    land    of   whisky 

Germany    the    home    of   beers    -,nH    .» -    ^ 

oeers    and    "i>chnapses  , " 
France    of   wine 

"Voil^!    Judge    it    Monsieur! 


Common  t : 

He   was    too    young    to   understand,. 
If  he   wo^ld   have    been    ^le    to    re.li^A    fh 
profoundly   rooted   princip    ea   nf  * 

in    comparison   wi  th'^GeSy   !  he   T.nV:"' 
found    the    strength    to    leave   G™ir   v,^^''" 

In'that""''"    *°   '"'^''^^    therr';o™rr      "''"    ''"' 


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January    3,    1903 
(22    years    old) 


"If   in    the    tumultous    noise    of    life 

Lonely    people   meet    one    another, 

LoBBly    fo.nd    -    profoundly    f el t 'opinions    exchange, 

It    goes    like    spasm    through    their    souls. 

Two   meteors    bom    in    glow   -    lost    in    the   world 
Greet    each    other 
'♦-nd    are    flying    off." 


f^ 


BEFORE   YOU  KN!=:WHER: 


December  1,  1903 


From  his  sketchbook: 


The    gre  it    danger   which    the   more    and   more 
growing   ntheismus    carries    with    it,    consists 
of    the    sentiments    and    feelings,    which    are 
being   neglected.    E>ven    when    the    educator   is 
convinced      of    the   non-validity    in    religion, 
he    should    educ  \te    the    children    religiously. 
So,    let    us    combat    the    growing    crrjelty    of 
the    spirit. 


!y  mother   with 
r\    statue 


She   was    30   - 

in    Nordemey   with    some 

of    the   musicians 


y 


■  ! 


YOUR      0   M    I 


MY      MOTHER 


Gertr   d   Schiff ,    bom    Kraft   on   July   2nd,    188?    in 

Lisaa,  (Posen)    was    the   11th   and   youngest    child.    My 

grandfather  had   6    children   with  his    first   wife    and, 

after   she    died,    married    her   sister   Theresa   Jacoby, 

with   whom   he   had   5   more    children. 

My   grsindfather    suprised    everyone,    when   he   bought   a 

new    carriage    for  his    11th   child,    which    astonished 

my   grandmother,    claiming: 

"The    old    one   was   good   enough    for   10   -    so   it    should 

be   good   enough    for  11." 

Still,   my    grandfather  anticipated  my  mother's   birth 

with    particular   Joy,    for   which  my    grandmother  had  no 

understanding.    As   i  t   hap'^ened,   my   mother  was    the   only 

one,    who    inherited   his   muaiccil    talent    -    and    the   only 

one  with  black   hair    and   dark   eyes. 

'^e   died,    when   my   mother   was    two    yenrs   old. 

There    was    little  money,    no   insurance   smd  no    social 

security.    But   it   seems,    that   my  grandmother  had   an 

unmarried   brother,    who   probably  helped   her. 

From    these    11    chi   dren   5    survived   whom   I   knew: 

Srail,    Ise,    Georg,    Gretel    and   ^oris. 

My  mother  never    could   get    over   the    loss    of  her  beautiful 

sister   Claire,    who   died   of  a  heart   disease   at    age    19* 

There    was    ajiother  sister,    whose   son   married   KAthe. 


iXX^ 


"tl 


Thus,    my   mother   ^ew  up    anong  many    siblinrs. 
A    poor    student    In    school,    my   n:ot.;er    played    the 
l^iano    to    everyone's    enjoyment    in    times,    when     there 
were   no   movies,    nor   radio,    television,    or   record 
players,    hly   mother    spoke    of   an    elderly    lady    giving 
her   piano   lessons,    but    serious    studies    w±th    pro- 
fessional  musicians    began    only,    after   she  married 
my    wealthy   father. 

My   mother   had    perfect    pitch   and    a    rem  .rkable    memory 
for  music.    All    musicians,    who    knew   her.    adored    .-uid 
loved    to    play    with   her.    For    e;can:ple,    when    indisposed 
singers   needed    their   music    in    a    somewhat    lower   or 
higher   key,    she    Just    played    their   pnrt   without    any 
problems,    ^uring:   orchester   concerts,    she    would 
suddenly    ''sigh,-    when    a   player    forgot    playing    a    sharo 
or    a   flat. 

She    gave    piano    lessons    in    a    school,    when    she    met   my 

fatner.    ^t    was    a    -^match."    6ne    day,    my    grand-mother 

called    after    one    of   her    sons:"?ind    someone    for    Trude!" 

And    so    my    father    was    "found." 

He    was    no    "asanova.    At    age    29.    ne.^lected    by   his    parents 

and    working    in    his    f    ther's    office,    he    probably    felt 

inclined    to    think    of    a   marriage. 

"e    knew,     that   my    motr.er   had    been    chosen    for  him.    but 

my   mother      had   been    left      "in    the    dark." 

And    so    they    were    introduced    to    each    other   in    a    theater. 

Ten    days    later    they    got    engaged    while    in    a  museum, 

and    married   within    three  months    on    June    19,    1910. 


Thirty    years    1    ter,    Verale    picked   June    19    for    cele- 
brating     my    mother's    birthday,    since   my    father's 
suicide    took    place   July   2nd, 19^^   -(»ny  mother's   birthday) 
June    19,    19^1      became   my    day    of    freedom,    since    "peace" 
was    declared,    while    Petain    shook   Hitler's    hand. 
It    was    the    day, when    the    captain    of   Gurs    proclaimed: 
"Sauve    qui    peuti"     (lEAVE!) 

My   mother   wanted    six    children,    however,    after    Verale 
and   myself,     she    was    pre^rn.ant    three    more    times,    but    in 
vain.    The    last    one    in    192U,    when    the    baby    was    expected 
any   day,    but    strangled    itself    on    its    own    'ombilical    cord. 
I    do   not    remember   ever    seeing  my   mother   in    the   kitchen. 
I    am   quite    sure,     that    she    never    cooked,    cleaned,     sewed, 
washed    or   ironed.    She    left    these    tasks    to    the    "help." 
uur   girls    were   usually    recommendations    from   neighbor- 
hood   stores    and    became    paurt    of    our    life. 
My   mother   insisted,     that    they    be    c:\lled    "Miss    -*    The 
girls    felt    flattered    and    tried    their   best    to    please. 
Vhlle    hiring    them,    my    mother   sugcTested    not    to    accept 
any    tips    from   our   guests,     since    she    thought    this    to    be 
degrading.    ^    do    not    know    wh  .t    these    gir'.s    -"ctually    did, 
but    I    do    renember    the    laughter    l-tf»    at   night,    when    our 
rather    well    to    do    guests    wished    to    leave    sone   money 
and   my    mother    tried    to    convince    them    otherwise. 


-n 


v^ 


The   high    pile    of    books    on    my   mother's    nighttable    seldom 
changed,    she    even    read    while    knitting    our    clothes.     At    one 
point    she    tried    to    learn    "Braille"    with    the    idea    to    copy 
books    for    the    Blind,    "whether   or   not    she    succeeded,     escapes 
me.    How   long   she    tried    to    learn    -    I    do   not    remember. 
/Kile    living    in    the    Nursing    Home    and    diagnosed    as    being 
"legally   blind"    she    admitted,    reading    to    be    rather   difficult. 
•-*fter   arr.inging»/a    library    service    with    large   print    books, 
supply  her   with    a   list    of    titles    and       ^^Y       her    a    stand 

to    make    it   more    comfortable,    she    broke    out    in    tears    to    thank 
me.    It   was    the    only    time    I    ever    saw   her   crying.... 
She    felt    our   love    and   knew   our  needs. 

•fhen    she    went    on    trips,     each    one    of  us    got    a   box   wi  th    a 
present    for    every   day    she   was    away.    Verale    opened    them    all 
at    once    and    then    appeared    to    envy   me,    when    I   had    a   daily 
suprise.     "DONT   STAND    aRoUND*    D    0      SOMETHING,"    she   would    say 
to   us,    so    that   we   had    to    think   of    something    to    do, 
Vhen    we    were    two    years    old,    we   had    a   daily   music    session. 
With   great    care    she    taught   us    the    story    and    the    music    of 
Humperdinck' 0    "Hilnsel    arnd   Gretel,"    before    she    took  us    to 
see    it.    I    was    four.... 

Ac   age   12,    she    h.uided   me    over    to    a    professional    musician 
and    begam    to    take   me    to    concerts    and    operas.     'WTien    I    was 
hospitalized    with    scarlet    fever,    while   my   parents    were    on 
vacatioi   ,     they    returned    immediately.    Twice    daily   my    mother 
sent    a   maid    with    cooked    food    wrapped    in    lots    of   newspaper, 
so    I    would    be    well    nourished. 


'^ 


I 
I 

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1 
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I 
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On  the  other  hand,  I  was  obliged  to  walk  to  and 

from  school  by  rain  or  shine,  ice  or  snow,  which  for 

a  six  year  old,  took  about  an  hour  each  way* 

I  suffered. 

But  -  perhaps  it  was  good  training  for  difficult 

times  to  come 

When  my  father  slapped  me,  she  did  not  ta'.  k  to  him 
for  a  week,  ^ut  she  slapped  me,  when  I  refused  to 
say  "hallo"  to  someone  she  met  in  the  street. 


Goethe  said:  "Show  me  your  friends  and  I  can 

tell  who  you  are." 

Thus,  to  see  my  mother's  personality  in  greater 
detail,  here  is  a  rough  outline  of  her  siblings 
and    some    of   her    friends: 

EMIL:    the    oldest    brother,    with   whom  my   mother    only 
had    a   lo^se    relationship,    was    a«i/ealthy   man    in    the 
lumber  business.    His    son, Julius,    became    a   known 
professor   of   philosophy,    who    cUso    played    the   piano 
very   well.    Consequently,    whenever    they   met,    they 
played    together.    After  Ju    ius'    death,    his   wife,    who 
later  became      the   head    librarian    of    the    Science   '-'ept. 
in   -<ueens    College,    became   my    friend. 

ISE:    helped  my    father   substan tially Kf;iu^l»his    connections 

to    avoid    the   battlefront    during    the    1. world 
war. 


{\ 


He    had    two    children ,  Val  ter   and    E^va,    who    both    immigrated 
to    London.    W'alter   became    a    solicitor   with    little    relation- 
ship   to    the    family,    while    Eva,    a   headmistress    in    a    special 
school,    visited   my   mother    frequently    and    so    I    met 
her   a^ain    and    we    became    friends. 
GEORG t    Georg   and   my   mother   loved    each   other. 
Vhen    she    was    18,    he    invited   her   for   a    trip^the   Adriatic- 
and    for   her  70th    birthday,    he    came    from    Brasil    to    Leeds, 
to    pick   her  up    for    a    trip    to    Switzerland. 
George   married    Hedel^  with    whom   my    mother      had    a    close 
friendship,    "^ey    laughed    a    lot,    went    together    on    trips 
during    the    summer   with    their    children    and   U8(plus    a 
babysitter)    and    also    visited    each    other.    Georg    lived 
in    DGsseldorf,    which    was    quite    far,     yet    they   managed. 
Long    before    it    became    difflcul tj Georg   went    to    Sao    Paulo 
with   his    family.    His    son    Peter   is    now   a    well    known 
cabinetmaker,    haS    two    children    aind   now   8    grandchildren, 
Georg' s    wife   had    a   brother    in    Breslau,    a    dermatologist, 
who    visited   my    mother    at    times. 

Usually    she    received   him   while    lying    on    a    sofa    --    which 
bothered  me    to    the    extend,     that   ^    told   her   so.    Never- 
theless,   she    continued    to   do    so. 

GRETEL:    The    oldest    sister      was    like    a    substitute   mother 
since    there    was    an    age    difference    of   more    than    20    years. 
Gretel    married   Ludwig,    who    was   not    too    popular   with 
the    rest    of   us.    He   wore    a   moM.stache,    spoke    loud    and 
rough,    which   was    frightening.    They   lived   near   Poland, 
but   ^retel    managed    to    be   with  my   mother   often,    always 
inclined    to    cry    for   whatever   reason. 

She   had    two    sons,    Albert    and   Jullu.    Albert   developed 
to   be    like   his    father   and  Jullu    like   his   mother. 


I 
■ 
I 
I 
I 
■ 
I 
1 

■ 


Georg    in    Brasil 
with    his    son    "'emer 
(who    committed    suicide) 
and   his    gran.lchild. 
1970 


Georg,    about    90    yrs    old 


peter   Kraft's    grandchildren    in    Brasil 


I 

I 

! 


y   raother's    bolove'i 


sister    Gretel 


wi  th   he 


husband    I  udwi(;    and   her 
2    sons,    '^bert    and  Jull 


u 


Gretel    as   £rr 


wi  cJi  Jull 
Jack    and    Rita 


ffran'!mother 
u ' s    children 


Jullu    with   his   wife   Betty 
and    his    son   Jack 


The 


present   c^Jnern t-«  on 


Jack's    son   Jim   with   his    bride 


Jaqueline    Getzel 
their   baby    bom    I983 


Jullu,    about   85    yrs    old    and 


rr.vself    in 


:icago 


1982 


Jullu 's    d?iuffhter   Rita 
(married    to    Dr.Nabil    Ibrahim) 
with   her   children ,  >.nthony 
and    Nina. 


Doris    vith 
husband    ancJ 
Heinz.    1926 


ler 
son 


Albert   had    no    children,    but   Jul  lu    had    two,    Jack    and 
Rita,    who    both    look    like    their    father,    but    Rita    in 

particular,    like    her    grandmo ther-- 

my   mother's    most    beloved    sister   ^retel.     Yhen    I   met 

Jullu    after  aiore    than    20    yeirs    of    separation,    we 

took       to  each    other    imrr.edia  tel  y  ,  v-invi  ted       me    for  my 

summer   vacation    to    his    house    in    ^'.ilwaukee. 

DCR13 :    married    a    rich    man    and    was    the    only    sister,    who 

lived    with    us    in    Breslau.    My   mother    and    Doris    did    not 

like    each    other      for  many    reasons    and    only    "met"    when 

they    "had    to." 

Doris    had    three    children,    Kflthe,    Margot    and    Heinz. 

K&the    loved   my    mother   as    if    she    were    her   daughter, 

hatinc   her   own    mother    from    the    bottom    of   her   herirt. 

Margot   married    a    German    physician    and    remained    in 

'-'ertnEmy.     fhen    Heinz   married    in    ^gland,    my    mother   went 

to    that    far   away    place    to    attend    his    weddin<^,    although 

she    had   very    little   money    to    do    so. 

Needless    to    aid,    that   my    mother    also    kept    in    touch 

with    Kflt:ie's    two    sons,    who    both   married    and    again 

have    children. 

These    were    the    brothers    and    sisters,    but    there    were 

also    cousins    with    whom   my    mother   had    a    close 

relationship : 

TRUDC   GCTT>ri'-F:    a    beautiful    woman,    who    married    .1   man 

who      corsmitted    suicide    and    left    her   with    two    little 

daughters.    The    family   was    shocked. 

Unprepared    for    any    kind    of   a    job,     the    family   gave  her 

money    to    open    a  millinary    shop    on    Kurfflrsten    Damm   in 

Berlin.    About    10    years    later,    she  >\\w.f ^'^A  "^   nike    man, 


.1971    Kathe    in   my   mother's 
Nursing   Home 


£972    KUthe   at    her    son's 
Thomas    wedding. 


The    son    of  my    f:r:arlno  thor    ICrtft's    brother: 


Dr.    Curt    Jacoby; 

One    of  my   most    cherished    friends    who 
helped  ne    t.. rough    difficult    times    for  very   many    years 


a   director   of   a   department    store,    with   whom   she   had 

another   son.    ^he    died    after    a    few   years,    when    the    son 

was    still    snail. 

CUT^T  JACOBY:  A  physician  and  an  ardent  Zionist,  with  whom 

my  mother  only  had  a  lose  relationship  -  but  who  became 

in  later  years  one  of  my  most  cherished  friends, 

UNCIE  FELIX:  '^heir  friendship  started  when  my  grandmother 

sent  my  mother  to  Leipzig  for  a  vacation.  She  was  about 

l4.  Felix  and  his  lister  Anne  were  about  the  same  age. 

Felix  played  the  violin  and  Anne  the  piano. 

They  must  have  had  a  most  wonderful  time  together,  since 

that  summer  their  relationship  grew  into  a  friendship, 

which  bridged  over  more  than  25  years. 

*^^y  mother  maintained  the  correspondence  (perha'^s  they  saw 

each  other)  and  spoke  about  them  to  us. 

Thus,  when  I  was  stranded  in  ^-ondon  during  difficult  times, 

I  called  --  and  they  gave  me  shelter. 

'i/hen  my  mother  became  a  widow  and  lived  alone  in  Leeds, 

Felix  visited  her  often  with  his  violin  to  play  with  her. 

Gradually  he  assumed  the  role  of  a  brother  and  took  care 

of  everything  she  needed  until  the  end. 

Their  relationship  was  so  c  ose,  that  my  mother  often 

threatened  Felix  with:  "Dont  you  dare  dying  before  me..." 

^e  told  me  that,  if  he  ha   dared  to  do  so,  she  would  have 

said,  "you  did  it  on  purpose"  --  we  both  laughed  at  the 

Idea,  but  it  Just  sounded  like  my  mother. 

And  so  only  a  few  years  after  my  mother  died,  he  died  too. 


immm 


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5^  y^ 


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/-v*-^^ 


W^    -A<  ^ 


^•^  ^^    y  /i>^  U^^  eXi^ 


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> 


^•^v 


D«ceob«r   8th   1975 


My   d^ar  Maz*lanfltt, 


Thank   you    ao   vary  much   for   your  baautiful    Poat   Card   of 

Tumar'a   Muaic    Party    at   PatiAirth   and   your  kind 

Chanukkah  lattar.    I    am   ao   ^lad    that    you    are    atlll    fit 

to   maka    Plana    for  ^artin^ton    and   all    your   partlas    and 

fas tlvl ties.    I    thank   you    for   your  kind   Vishaa    and   aand 

you    our  vlahaa    for    the    coming   year. 

I    an   ^lad    you   hoard    the    Scottish   NationaJ.    Orcheater   and 

aav  John   Kltto.    He   ia    a  very   nice   boy. 

We    are    living   a  very   quiet   life   and   I   have  bean   ^ettin^ 

very   weak  of  late.    So   ve   han^   on   with   patience* 

I    aend    you  my   love    and   kind   wishes. 


AJ.1    the   best 


Your   Felix 


ent:His    last    letter    to   oa. 

jphn   Kitto,    a   cellist,    is    the    son    of  his   sister. 

Ann,    his    sister  waa   a   close   friend   of  my  mother, 
a  ^ood   pianist   and  married    to    Profeasor  Kltto, 
apeciaJLlzed   in   Greek  History. 


Martel,67    with    her   lister, Leeds 


Dr.    *!a:c    Plossner 
with    his    wife    Lottel 
freq:ent    quests    at 
our   house 


Lottel 
in    London    rem-^ined    a 
close    friend    to    a    :     of   us. 


I 
I 


'Felix, ny  mother  and 
Jonny ,  i eeds  1962 


Felix  with  his  wife 
'Vinnie  at  Thomas* 
wedding  in  London 

1972  (a  few  months 
after  my  -mother's 
death) 


I 


A    very    special    friend    was    my    father's    sister: 

HAICIIEN:    She    died    of    brenst    cancer    ar:  J    left    f..'o    girls, 

Use    and    ..nnenie,     at    the    a{je    of    about    12    ye^rs, 

^'hey    contir.ued    living    with    their    father,    until    he    too 

had    to    be    ::os    ita^ized,    atvi    t'.e«^    they    lived    with 

grandmother    Schiff. 

My    mother    trie^l    her   best    to    take    care    of    the.T. ,    but    there 

were    a    number    of    obstacles,    which    would    lead    too    far    to 

explain    here. 

The    fact    remains,     that    my    mother    s:cceeded    to    win    their 

love    and    both   fjirls    became    Verile^as    \vell    as   rr.y    friends. 

But    aside    frorj   my    mother's    rather  iar:^e  fair.il  y ,     she    also 
had    friends,    but    they    seemed    to    have    disappeared    with 
the    exception    of    one,    who    adored   my   mother   in    particular, 
and    who    played    later    a   major    role    for   my   mother    as    well 
as    for  me,     this    was: 

>'.ART''A    ST:!:T.'\I  1 Z ;     She    was    a    hunchback,     who    never   married 
and    had    three    sisters    like    herself,    w^*om    she    managed    to 
brine:    to    Leeds.     She    was    a    quaker    and    had    left    ^ermr^ny 
many    ye^rs    a^o. 

Pa?»siona  tel  y    interested    in    noli  tics,     she    was    suprised, 
that    my    rr.otlier    never    re  ul    a    newspaper.     "3ut    you    rrust    do    this!" 
'•'hereMpon    my    mother    retorted,     "but    then    my    h':sban!    could 
not     tell    me    any  thine:    -"    ^o  *    my    mother    never    read    a    paper, 
even    after   my    father's    death. 

In    I93S,    my    mother    decided    to    move     to    Leeds,    honing    that, 
by    bein/;    in    the    sa;r.e    town    as    Martel,    it   m-.y    bring    her 
some    piano    students    and    perh  .ps    some    soci'il    connections. 
(She    must    have    plajined    this    long    ago,    since    she    snbjected 
herself    t  :>    maJce    her    examination    as    a  music     teacher    nrevionsly.  ) 


This    happened,    but   not    as    soon    and    not    as   much   as 
she   wo  ;ld   have    liked.    Nevertheless,    when    ^    talked    to 
a    friend,    wh-i    lives    in    Leeds    he    said,    that    some    people 
still    remember    playing   with   her   --    which   was    more    then 
13    years    ago. 

FMB    (Franz    Maria   Bachman ) 

TTiis    relationship   had    its    beginning   during    the    first 
Vorld    War,    when    people   were    "invited'*    to    mail    packages 
to    service    men    without    a    family.    Thus,    my   mother   began 
mailing    packages    to    someone,    who   wrote   back    to    thcink  her. 
During    the    ensuing   correspondence  my   mother   asked    for 
his    profession    ajid   so    he    answered    that  he   was    a   painter. 
After    the   war   they    continued   writing    to    each    other   and 
one    day,    he    appeared    in    our   house.    My  mother    expected    to 
see    an    average    fellow,    who    could   paint   her  walls. 
Great   was   her   sunrise,    when    a   man    arrived   wearing    a 


n 


e 


monocle,    bald,    in    an    open    shirt    and    kneebreeches . 

was    about    6ft. 5    - 

He   did   not    paint    any    walla,    but    portraits. 

Their   friendship   grew    amd    lasted    till    the    end.    H^    painted 

my    father,    Verale    and   me.    *^e   lived   with   us    for  months 

at    a    time,    they   met   in    Switzerland   during    the    summer   and 

obviously   had   a   good    time    together. 

Later,    he   wrote    an    official    letter   in   which  he    explicitly 

declared,    that   as    a  German    Aryan    (he    wrote    "Deutscher 

Christ")    he    could   no    longer   identify    himself    as   being 

a   German,    that   he   met    too   many    particularly   nice   peoole 

among  Jews,    and    that    his   many   Jewish    friends    were   being 


•*tiUl'-k 


"Chez  moi" 


T 
V 


A  drawing  made  by 
Gretel  KorOszl 
in  Leeds 


♦  ny  parents  while  we 
lived  in  Breslau 


I 

I 


persecuted      t„    ^    ^^. 

*"'■"    '°    "—    Uvxn,   ,,,,,    ^^l:'    -';--^ib:e   ror 

(He  did)  dec^sxcn  to  con-.it  suicide. 

•^"  letter  vr.s  :>.bU,he.:  by  the-,  ..-•., 

-     7CV..3    later    vera'e    tq    «j  — *~  '  '• 

'   <^"-    ^^"— nate.v.     the   a^swe!  •-/";"    '^^'^'^    '^'    -^^^^ 

nd   bu.-.ed    ever.    ,.„,,.   doc^e.  t .  ^  .hi^;    .^    "•:    ""^^"^ 
their   «rchiv.-s.  '^••'^>'   •^'1   in 

Vou   n=y    see   his    pict,re    wi .  ,   ^^ 

booic.    ,..her^   veraae    ProudI  ..• '.V,, ,  "^ "    '"    ""'-^    ^-^°- 
■Htar  un   her   bathing   ,uit.  "   ^"^"-"i^e^ed 

."or  mv    Ijt'i    hi  r-*.Aj 

•       -^         "irtnday   he   gave  »,«    a    olctur.       ■ 
<^one   in    v.torcolor.     ^erale   ..i:e.   „  "    '''^"^" 

-ote    to   n.    pax-ents    which   I   ^   d    r  '    '"■'''    "^"^^   ^^ 

3    P-t:res    for   you    in   .y    .,^1,         ^'"^^'-    ^°    ^-^-^    -re 


•member ; 

~i:2^ier.     the    conductor   «r 
»y  mother   btudi*^  ^^^^   opera   wl  t-h      u 

i»tjclied,    and   his    ir^  ^i  ^  ^   ^^o« 

I^un^k-     A   „.  «^^i friend 

—  — ifiiS-    A  marvellous    C^,^ 

^2nnenfeld.4    ,.  *"    '^''^«'' 

My   mother    •^.  ^^  ^^o-tln. 

wuner   studied    with    t 
from    Bor±<,      r  -^oaaph      and    Vpral.    ^ 

ooris.    Later   Bnri ,    k  ^^raie    took   lesanr.- 

n^^4.  oris    became    ^h->      ^  -^wasona 

"•Pt.    at   .ueens    CoUe.e    i„   ^'    *"'    ='^^^"-    "^   the  .M.„, 

*   "-   Soris   1    called,    when  V' 
;-ai„   an,   „,,,,,    ^^^   introducti      ""    '^   '^"'^^  "-^c 

^^^=i-^^^:£H2d..    a   viouni.      ;  *''•   ""^^-^  Trio 

socially     b.,T        ~^^--°"    t'o^nlBtr  hla.eij.     ^»« 

^y.    but   neteer   play,d   ^i..  '    =^«    to   us 

L-  oJ.aer  woman       ^^w 

^^^==^2rzienrat   Sterj^ber:..    an^  ''"'''•''  '^ '»>  Brahm. 

^^thou^h  n,y  -.o;;;r:7::^.  ,r*'"'  -^^^^^^.t. 

-cepted   hl„    for   wh.fv.; ^    "'''^   ""•vfe^"*.    -h. 

"-ought   her   alway,    lar.e/  "'    "'""''''^-— •   he 

--   -3   -.e   .arden.T  lirS':'  "■^"""^    "-- 
"-.    vhlch   n,ay   h.ve    flattered^  "'''    """^    ^-^^n. 

*»>«'   he    continued    to    callT  ''''   "'"^    *°    -"il.   at    ..        ' 

=  -ii    her-onadlffe   Frau. .  ••  "*•   *"» 

And    then    there   vere    fh 

"'•e    the   musicians   I    h„ 

i    do  not   ramsmber 


I 


J    B«rn 


in    S><>liSn^ 


iJ.von    Pozniak 
Crirl    Freun  i 
Joserh    Schuster 


The    couples    my    rother   invited    to    rlay    chess    or    s':at 
with   ny    f..cher    I  clo    rcrr.ember    :  ^-cii. 

Dr.    losner,    a   dentist 

Dr.     .'i.essner,    an    internist 

Dr.    Laband 

Dr.    iincsjhn,a    ::yn.ieco  ]  oc^i  s  t 

i.antorowi  tz,    a    rese.-.rcher    m    chemistry 

and   more .... 
iknt    evenings    for  my    fpt  :er  me-^t,     t^at    mv   mother  had    to 
**  entertain"     the    sr?ouses.    1    doubt,    if    she    like^l    this 
.he    -onet-.es    pu    ^ed    -.    short    cic^r,    or   knitted. 
Apnies    ..-ere    never    -^rve'J,     ^inc.    shp    conic!    not    to'er-te    the 
soujid    vheji     ^f-onie    chewed    them. 


So    t    is    was    my    .^other's    1  i  f  e :  ICoeping     .^^    j^^,^^^   hanrw .  vacation 

trips,    our   •..•eifare     .nd    ed  .ic.  tior  ,     the    household,     the 
weekend    house,     the    evenin,:s    filled    witr.    cliess,     s:;at,    music, 
oncerts.    plays,    c    barets.    intoi tations  ^  the    luncheons 

.    with    relatives,    ouf   of    tox^-n    ,T.iests,     the    after- 
noons   with   numerous    birthday    parties    and    other    obli^ra  tlons . 

Thinkin-    about    her    living    in    Leeds    so   utterly    alone, 
deprived    practically    of    all    her    belon<;inT3.    slee-.ing    in    that 
cold    attic    with   my    father's    bathrobe    un  ler   her   bed5j:.eet 
she   must    hive    been    profoundly   depressed, 

Zveryone    she    loved    or   knew,    was    either  deal,    far   avny    or 

had    an    unknow   destiny,    riow    sad      and    lonely    she   nnjst    have    been. 

Yet,    she    zianaced   -    as    you    well    know. 


L  eeds 
19^6 


One    of    the   m.st    interesting-    aspect    of  her    person    lity 
±a    the    asto-ojidin^    strength    wit!,    which    she    tried    to    ke-p 
family    and    friends    togetner. 

At    a   critical    point    in     that    time    -    in    1940   -    she   wrote 
me    the    address    of    Feli:t's    brother   in    New    I'ork.     By    sheer 
coincidence,     this    actually    saved    my    life    and    ^ot   me    out 
of    Gurs • 

'.-hen    I    arrived    in    New    York,     she    wrote    me    the    addresses    of 
everyone    sh«?    Icnev. 

.atnou(rh    1    did    not    like    my    cousin     ^bert.     for   ny   mother 
he    w-.s    the    child    of   her    most    beloved    sister   ^retel    ind 
she    insisted,     that    -    should    ke^p    in    touch    with    him. 
^hus,    1    fo. :nd    through   Albert    his    brother  Jullu    as    well    as 
Curt   Jacoby. 

It    was   Jullu.    who    was    behaving   like    a    father    to    ne.    when 
I   visited    them    in    Milwaukee.     ^*e    w-:s    the    one.    vho    brought 
me    to    a  vocational    service,    whose    social    worker    convinced 
me.     that    -    should    try    to    take    up   music    again    professionally. 
And    taere    are    many   more    of  my    mother's    connections,    who    did 
extraordinary    things    for   me,     contributing    to    alrrost 
everything:   I   am    today. 

It    almost    feels    like    a  mystery    -    as    if   rry   mother    had    the 
intuition    to   malnta:Ln    relationships    with    so    many,     so    that 
I    may    benefit. 

For  how  well    she    succeeded,    there    is   no    expression.. 


L  «-^^^     \^  s  1. 


\  ^  5-  u 


W  :  \ 


w 


^   »    NA    .^ 


'/^ 


x*^  (.  i 


L  o-^4o  -  ^  V» 


-4^ 


VCR  orlnn«rt  sioh  nodi  an  TKllDb  SCl.Ii-V7  nroslau,   ICal:9cr  Vii.helmatr«    179    7 

Oder  violltlcht  an  AUTIIUI:  SCiari-*,    ichloalscho  Foumlom/erkc,    Sonncnplatz    3   7 

VER     bcsuchto  uns   violloici.t   zu    «ir  cm    "=»chach  odor  ^kat  Abend  wiihrend   ir. 
Muslkzinunor  Joseph  Schuator,    Jasbiia  I^ornstein,    Carl   Freund,   Joseph 
Schwaz^   odor  viole   Andoro  horrliche  Muailc  machton    ••von  Schubert, 
BcethovoHf    Uralims   bis   i^obussy  oder  "sojar  Hindemi-rh"    ••? 

^R     besuchte  uns    zu  den  vorjnUgtcr   Schtllerkonzerten   voi.  der  Geijenlahrerln  . 
HANNA  SCfC'iACIC?    (Wo   mac    <^^^    wo^^^    scin^  ) 

VEIv      ass   wohl   die    gutcn   iCuchcn,    liebevoll    gebac.vcn  voi:     Triuieir*   Hanne" 

(Mt  deis   Zwicker  auf  dcr   Nase  und    dc-i    Doppeii>J.rjn'» }  ^ 

Oder   VER   canzte  mit   der   fcdchcn  Marianne  Tru-.^jo    oa^r   *'<x.:bz.': 

VER        fuhr  Ski  nit   der   rundlichen   Vera   in-ocicr  nicnt    tn  do;;   ICarncrader.? 

Giot    es   nuch   solchc.    diu    sich   erlnr.ern    wollcn?.  ^  .. 

ur.bokannten  Dckonnten,    dcnn    am  23  .Mai    dieses   J.xJnrc^    ibt  nicin  *.uttclc^'.en, 

unsex'c    Ocii,    iXire   Trud*    Schiff,    gcb.    Kraft,    san*  t    einceschlaf en.    Vnscre  » 

Trauor  isc  ^ross* 

MIT  IhLi  verschwj.nci'jn   die   li-no^r   In  de:.  Mon*rhor     .r  :1    -ar. 


c 


I 


•  Ul 


«*     -^  -^«.l    H 


iT  -^r.hsen   r»»in 


on.. a   nun   end^  ixt.!^   Mi4^ 

MlT-iHR  verschvlndon  dlo    br.  cfo   voider    Licbe   und    I.iteresae    rtlr   diw   v<.r- 
schwioGcndaten      Utiitj^cho  und  GenUilo. 

MIT  IlIR  ist   unscre    Ka.iil.'.c  \inci   \in  icr  ^Voundoskieia    ^ndg-iitl^  in    die  » 

"v^rrTAntjcno    (*.«  .Tonwart"    cer.'«'>-iccn , 
MIT  ITIR  :  tftrbcn    alio   r;oinoir;Gru:»cn    ^rinno runner. 

4'j\   die   monatlichc    Va:*chfrau 
An  unser  iCindcnnAuchcn   i'rau   Caspcrlco 

An   die  verblichcnen    Namon   v:n   Menacx.v.n,    Liobe  :ial  faj.r».n,    C^acliichaft" 
.\U8nu^en,    i'^erienreiien,    Gei-urtstac>:n   und  alios    all3& 

Unser  ^oliebtos   Muttelchen Velcher  "^e^eii   Jottes    eine    sol.:.c 

Muttor   bosesaen  zu   haben* 


Vera   Po?or, (E/tan)   gob.    Schiff 

5$'  Mc^f^adin 

Rafflat  Gan*      laraol 


."^!.^  iar.ro    Ecel ,    jcb,    Schif. 
76   i<lvcisrv.w   Orivo 
New    York    10024 


VHO   may    still    rerr.enber    TRUD3    3C!iIFF? 

Breslau,     the    street    of    iinperor    .Villiain    number    179? 

Or   perhaps    ARTIIU.l    5CHIF7    of    the    '*5ilesicm    Veneer   Manufacturing" 
Sunny    Pl.ice    nui^ber    3? 

■.iHO    perhaps,     paid    us    a    visit    for    a    chess    or    sc^t    evening  • 
while    in     the    .-nusic    room    Joseph    Schuster,    Jascha    i-ierr. stein, 

Carl    'reund    or  many    others    made    won  'erful    music 

From    ^chubert,    Beethoven,    Brahms    to    ^ebussy    or    "even    Ilindemi  th?  •• 

WMD    visited    our   happy    student    concerts    of    4anna    Schir.ack? 
(  tTiere    mp.y    she    be    now?) 

VHO    ate    the    good    c  .kes    lovin/rly    prepared    by    >:iss    -Irnne    - 
with    the    pincenez    on    her   nose    and    a    doub'e    chin? 

Or,     -^'HO   danced    with    the    chic    Marianne    a    tan^n    or   a    rur.ba? 

WHO    went    on    skis    wit       the    "roundly"    Vera    from    or    not    fr^^m 
the    "Comrades?" 

Are    there    sti'l    people,    wio    wish    to    rer:ember? 


In    this    case    mourn    with    us    -    unknown  friends,  because 

on    May    25,    tiis    year,    my    "fclu  t  telchen "    our   Omi ,    your 
Trude    -^chiff,    born    l.raft,    softly    went    tr)      eternal    sl:?ep. 
Our   mourning    is    jrer.t, 

VITH    HER   disappear    the    children    within      us    and    we    are 
obliged    to    be       adults       ''^or    good." 

WITH    HER  dis    ^^pear    the    letters    fall    of    love    r'nd    interest 
for    the   most    sec    et    wishes    and    emotions. 


WITH    HCR   our    far.ily    and    circle    of    friends   definitely 
entered    the    '^past    present.  •• 

WITII    llZn  died    all    memories    we    ha^;    in    comr.  on  : 

the    monthly    washerwoman 

our  nurse,    Mrs    ^asperke 

•nnd    the   now    f^ded    names    of    oeople,    l-^ve    nff^irs 
parties,    excursions,    travels,    birth-iays    r>nd    every  thin^.  .  everthin.T 

Our   beloved    ".'ru  t  te '  chen" hat    blessing    of    God    t-    hnve 

had    such    a   mother. 


Vera    (l?72) 


Comnient : 


The    time    to   which   V.rale   refers   here^s   about  1926   .   1 


932 


Hanna  Schmaclci  was  her  violin  teacher,  a  particularly 
usly  woman  with  buck  teeth,  but  obviously   quite  popular. 
Joseph  Scnu,ter=  a  cellist  -  a  young  Russian.  Jewish 
refugee,  who  spoke  very  little  «ennan.  The  successor  of 
the  famous  Gregor  Piatigorsky  in  the  Poiniak  Tr±o. 
Professor  Bronislav  von  V.ir.i.w.    ^^s  my  piano  teacher. 
To  be  one  of  hi,  students  was  considered  a  great  honor  In 

reslau,  since  he  only  worked  with  professionals  and  I 
was  no  more  than  12  years  old  when  he  accepted  me  as 
his  pupil. 

Carl  freund;  a  young  German,  who  played  the  violin  In 
the  Poznlak  Trio. 

All  of  them  played  with  my  mother  at  all  hours,  at  time, 
til  dawn  -  while  my  father  went  to  bed  or  played  chess 
or  skat  in  our  library. 


PS:  Ko  alcohol  nor  wine  was  ever  served  at  any  time!! 


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was 


^         ^  ^    i.j..ne    in  teres  tAH 

P-y    for    you.    in   what   was    I  ., 

clever??    Vaiter  had    been  in    i  .r,'. '  ^^d 

»^cen  in    London    ove-r   j*,,,,^ 

works    alre..dv    verv    nurh  ^  "^nday,    David 

.     ^  ery    nucii ,  -dna    c- 


~^.. ,       \*ijrt    cam**    T-rt    * -^ 
^he    buy,    .la    ,o,ts    Of    th.„ -,      J  "^    '-°''''^' 

spoona.    fod.v    .t   .on    t.  '   "'"'   "'^"    •""-^    --^ 

no  -n    they   .-nade    a    do-ihi  *»    ^ 

^een    t.e   l-st    one    .n    the   house  "'    "'"'   "--^ 

'^i^'    the      Pint    your   room   ni  =  elv->      -^en    , 

■T,.,         ,  ^    ^'    °"    ""^o    te'.enho-e- 

that    -^    1 -»T-/r-    r*-i -^^  ^•'iiu..e. 

rge    circle    you    have'    ^is^    ,o„,. 

j-se    continnp*    *.« 

"^®^    to    conic    often 


*    ten-Ver   kis.s    .-n 


y    Beloved,    Jear 


es 


iour  .Vutki 


January   I3,    1953 


My    Beloved, 


there    is    so   much    •« «    ^«    »_ 

1^^^                                                                 "  •^^^   on®    ^f    your 

letters,     that    ir    ^-    ^  /o«r 

that   It    is    impossible  for  me    to    answer 

even   hair  of   it!!  answer 

Did    you    again    receive    an    -a-    fro.    Pace?    I    .  . 

the    pictures    ^d    artici.    whose   voicT   ou   Jw:;:"" 

your  wor.  -   such   famous   p.opi.   .   ,„.  .J^/^Zl 
all    thlsf!    Ray   win    coo.   back   .o„„      n    .  ""•""" 

V.   have   a   iot    of   .now    and   ic^      1  "  '^*'°"*   '""' 

nobody    comes!    -   It   wo    Id    h        .'  ""   '""^  ^''•• 

Y  .  t   wo    Id    be   nice    to    play    trio- 

Yes.    about   Val    I    „ad    everything. 

li.e   read    the   book   already   „any    y,ars    ago. 
A    tender   lUss.    my   dearest 


^our  Mutka 


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Not    dated 


To    mv   clilldren, 

I    only   wanted    to    tell    you,     that    the    two    little    chests    of 
drawers    are    the   property    of    Peter   Kraf t (KUthe ' s    son)    and 
that   Kurt    left    them   have   me    only    for  use    during   my    lifetime, 
but      belong    to    the    purchase    of  my    whole    bedroom,    I    should 
like    to    have    them    back    without    further   discussion. 

Your  mother 
This    letter,    dear   Marianne    may    be    completely    past    -    I 
shall    try    to    tell    timeless    things,    i'^or    example,     that    the 
son    of   Kurt   Gadiel    will    be    passing   here.    ^Ise    thought    him 
nice.    I    made    them    a   present    with    a    tablecloth    for  X2.-. 
It    seema,     that    she    was    very    happy    about    it.    Furthermore, 
the    matron   was    pushed    off    the    bus    and    she    has    a    swollen 
blue    eye.    Thanks    *^od ,    it    is    not    too    bad.    Then    this   morning 
a   welfare    officer   came    to    see   me    in    connection    with   Braille. 
'*'lse    spoke   of    "talking   books",    something    that    you    proposed 
years    ago,    I   need    a    certificat    from    a    physician.    My    cold 
is    still    with   me,    but    thanks    God   not    too    bad.    Received    the.,? 
Yesterday    I   had...?    in   my    condition. 

After  my    afternoon    nap    I    stripped   my^self    entirely   naked 
and    waited    for    .,,     to   get   dressed.    Suddenly   Ilse     ippeared. 
i    thought    -    so    early?    In   my   head      it    was    8:30   -    in    reality 
2:30.     So    it   goes    downhill!! 

Give    me   only with   warm    and    cold 

so   I    would    have    at    least    one    pen 


Monday   10   o'clock    (January    18,    1971) 


My   Beloved, 

quickly    a  kiss    for   you   before    the   mall    strike 
begins.    I    Just   bathed    and   breakfasted    emd   now  I    also    want 
to   write    to   Vera.    Perhaps   V^ra   Just    "aald    so"    about   her 
plans    with    slds    and    did    not   mean    It    seriously. 
Never   did    I    work   as    much    as    you    or   Vera.    Although    I    had 
many    students    In    Leeds    (I6)    and   verv    often    played    in    oublic. 
But    I    was    independent,    which    is    a    gi an tdi rf erence, 
Ernie    was    here    again,    a   golden   mam.    Hude    came    the    other 
day    with   home   made    cookies.    1    had   good   news    of   her   children. 
Read    the    biography    of   Ida   Handel,    which  made   me    clear   again 
how   clever   we    were   not    to    chose   music    as    a    profession. 
What    occurs   behind    the    scenes    is    undescribable.    How   was    the 
exan*^    Ann    becomes    impatient,    she    says    the   baby    is    so    restless, 
A    sign,    that   it    wants    to    come    out.    She    will    be   in    a   very 
good   Hospital,    she    will    be    taken    there    by    an    ambu^amce, 
B.    does   not    like   it.    But    thanks   God   she   has    a   very      good 
relationship   with   her   father,    who    spoils   her.    The   Matron 
told   me    this* 


I 
I 
I 


Veil,  my  Beloved 
continue  your  great  success. 
In  great  admiration 
and  love 

Your 

Mu  tka 


I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 


February   25,    1^72 


My    Beloved, 

Vera's    address:    Vera    ieter,     5    Me^gadiai,    ^^anat    Gan    Israel, 

Felix    is    still    not/right.     The    other    day    he    forgot    to 

bring   '^•nne's    address.    He    is    no    youngster   anymore  .(■:!  3    years) 

Today    arrived    your    letter   with    enclosures    from    Paris. 

Today    I    am    a   bit    better,     that    is    why    I    shall    write    right 

now.    How   highly    talented    and    so    mul  tifaceted>/character 

you  have.  Cn    stage    you    would    have    been    also    very    great. 

Presents:    matron,    warm    scarf   in    a    color    of  mandarins, 

Ann    waxrr    scarf    -    color    insignificant.    She    is    always    cold. 

Children    -   has    time.    For    the    others    I    dont   know. 

For  mm   2    pairs    of    stockings,    2    white    pants,     fountain    pen?? 

Do    n    t    spend    so    much   money,    you    work   hard    enough. 

1    am   a   little   better,    but    far    from    being    well. 


Therefore    only    a    tender    kiss,    rr.y     Dearest,  Beloved 


Your  Mutka 


May  20,  1972 
(five  days  before  she  died) 


My  Beloved, 

Tea,    I    still    cam    read    your    letters,    although    with 
interr'jptions.    Am   happy    for   you    about   Paris.    How   long 

did   you    stay   there?    How   did    you    arrange   I)artington? 

Yesterday,    I    vomited    again    a   lot    and    at   night    had 

more  nose   bleedings.    K&the    and    Olive    travel   ^^onday 

to    Norway   for   3    weeks.    Unf ortunatel)r,    there   is'nt   very 

mueh  doing  with  me    anymore. 

(This   as    preparation    for  our   seeing   each    other   again. 

Vhen??    Tliat   David    learns    ax*abic    I    wrote   already? 

Dont   work   too   mucli,    health    is    EVERYTHING. 


With    tender   love 


Your  Mutka 


i 


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c/ 


U^ic^yi 


UU^f^- 


C^eia. 


'^Wa..  AM  >u^<*c|  Jv^/in^, 


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-«A. 


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C^^*%^5^i^L*- 


-.  »».l  ..IR'. 


'«  .i^^ 


»*• .  ■». 


Sunday,  May  21,  1072 


My  Beloved, 

Unforgettable    your   first    appearance    with    your   fine 
part    and   grandmother's    only   handklss    -    I    was    touched. 
And  now,    you   are    a  mature    woman,    who    fills   her  place 
in    life    100*^0.    From  my   heart   all    the    best   my    ^eareat, 
my    Best.    X-10»-    ^    c*"    promise    you    for   certain,    but 
hope    it   will   be    more,    after  I    speak    to    ^elix. 
^e    takes   wonderful    caxe    of  my    finances.    A   golden   man 
and   Winnie    too.    "Diis    we  have    to    thank  grandmother. 
She  became    a  widow  with  8    children    -   I   was    two    years 
old!    And   she  maintained    the   correspondence   with  my 
father's    cousins • (Felix' s    father   and   uncle) 
That   is    marvellous.    Well,    I    wish   you    with   all    my 
heart    continuous    success   my    Beloved. 


In    great    love 


Your    Mutka 


Comment ; 

Four  days   later,     she    died. 


The    sen  tence :  "This   we   have    to    thank    grandmother** 
confirms  her  belief,    that    by  keeping    the    family 
members    in    touch    with    each    other,    is    a   source    of 
strength   and   was    part    of  her  heritage. 


« 


V   H   Y    ?? 

Loved    by    so   mcmy,    why    did    my    mother    live    a',    utterly 
alone?    3he   h   d   been    in    Israel    as    well    as    in    New   York 
—    but    always    returned    .     Yes,    ^g]  and   has    a    sir.ilar 
culture    as    the    one    she    was    used    to    ajid    yet    --- 
She   must    have    known    how   much    Verale   needed    her,    as    well 
as  myself.    **e   both   expressed    the   wish    to    live   with   her. 
But   no   --    and   her   "no's"    were    consistent 

One    time    she    asked   me,    if   I    ever  mentioned    to    be    Salter's 
sister   in    law,    because    she    never   did. (Neither  did   I) 
She    told   me    that,    while    bein^   in    Oxford,    how  much   she 
disliked,    when    people    introduced   her   as    Walter's   mother 
in    law    and    not   with   her   name.    She    was    n    proud    -uid    inde- 
pendent   soul    and    did   not    wish    t-i    be    identified    as    a   mother 
in    law    of----- 

Vhen    I    came    to    see    her,     feeling   happy    to    be    with   her   .nd 
satisfied    if   I    could   make    her   place    a    little   nicer   by 
cleaning,    lining   drawers    ajid    polishing    the    few    remnants 
about   her    she    said:  "I    don  t    like    the    iden,     that    you    spend 
your  vacation    in    this    room    -    do    something    else    -"    And 
nothing    could    convince    her,     that    it    made   me    happy    to    be 
just    with   her   -    and    I    had    to    leave. 

And    so    alone,    she    waited    for    "peace"    to    cone. 

-*"t    was    dark    in    her    room,    with    some    plants    she    liked    at 

her   screened    window,    a   little    piano    vit:^    some    insignificant 


i 

I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 


figures,  some  music  amd  books  ----- 

You  saw  it  all  - 

When  I  came,  I  always  needed  to  suppress  the 

memory  of  the  past,  when  she  would  practice  at 

her  grand  piano  in  a  black  and  gold  papered  music 

room  aunong  lemon  wood  furniture  with  beautifully 

inlaid  patterns  of  the  most  precious  mother  of  pearls* 

How  cruel  li^e  has  treated  her. 

And  yet: 

It  •  eems  as  if  she  was  relatively  content,  that 

she  had  managed  a  life  true  to  herself  and  to 

her  convictions. 


I 


I 


yriiiP      MOTH    E   R 


V    E   R    A   L    E.    HY    SISTER 


Bora    in    Breslau   on    May   19.    1913.    Juat    a   year  before      World 
War   I.    Verale    picked  up    the   marching   songs    from    the    passing 
soldiers,    singing    them   long   before    she    spoke   a   word. 
She    was    about    k    years   old   -hen    she    started    her   violin 
lessons.    After   my   mother    tried    to    teach   her    to    read   music 
for   quite    some    time,    she    discovered    to    her    suprise.    that 
^erale    could   not   read   a    single   note. 

V.  had  learned  to  play  by  ear.  TTius  my  mother  made  her 
read  the  compositions  backwards,  but  to  no  avail  --  V, 
played    the   music   baCKwards   by    ear    as   well. 

soon    we   were    suppo.ed   to    play    together,    which  never  worked 
out      since   ^    felt   accompanying    to    be    -degrading."    So   we 
played    together   only   when    we    felt    obliged    to    comply   with 

pur  mother's   wishes. 

AS    adults    we   liked    playing   together   whenever   we   met   until 

she   married   Yehuda. 

Yehuda   claimed    to   be   musical,    which    aroused    Verale 's 

curiosity    and    so    she    -tested"    him    by   playing    the    same    piece 

the   moment    she    hear*      him    come   home.    After    the    third    time 

he   asked  her:-Vhy  do    you    always   play    the    same   piece?-    which 

proved    that   he    had   quite    a  good    ear. 

it   was    a   nice    joke    for  us. 

In    1972   when   my   mother  died.    I    went    to    see    Verale    and   met 

Yehuda    for    the    first    time.    A   few   weeks    before.    Vera  had   a 

bad   accident,    hurting  her   ann   badly    and    she    could   not    play 

the  violin. 


We  were  both  in  a  somewhat  somber  mood  and  Vera  was  for- 
ever exercising  in  front  of  a  mirror  to  control  her  move- 
ments. Not  being  able  to  play  was  a  serious  setback  in 

her  life. 

The  next  tine  we  met,  Vera  was  already  tocsick  to  play. 
However,  she  wanted  me  to  play  a  melody  we  both  connected 
with  our  childhood: 


Long,  Long  Ago 


i 


Modrraio 


S^nf 


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T«lt      m«      ito  t4lM 


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Loaf,     loaf     a 


-    fo. 


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Staf       m»      tM  aottfa       I 


& 


Uflit  -  ad       lo 


& 


I  understood  what  she  felt  and  dreaded  to  "give  in"--- 

So  I  played  the  sentimental  song  a  bi t  more  cheerful  to 

which  she  naturally  objected. 

However,  I  was  quite  aware,  that  melodies  sometimes 

generate  powerful  emotions. 

Ve  both  realized  the  advamced  degree  of  her  sickness  and 

I  felt  intensely,  that  this  was  a  "musical  good-bye." 

It  was  a  difficult  moment,  but  I  decided  that  at  all 

costs,  I  had  to  avoid  a  situation  of  profound  distress. 


I 

1 
I 

I 
I 

I 
I 
I 
I 
I 

I 


^hJi^ 


Seven  days  nlissv  for  all  lo\'ers  of  chanbernusic 


^ 


-his 


should  really  have  been  the  title  for  the  course   of  thanber  inusic  Ti-hlch  1 
*^-ided  In  the  heavenly  situated  3irlsschocl(   fcraerly  a  noipery)    at  Downhouse 

..    'JeYsfeur:.',  15o  sen  and  women  fron  the  age  bet-.veen  19  and  To  assembled  there 
r.  a  certain  Prida:^  in  the  month  of  Julyequipped  v.lth  rationcards  pillowslips  she* 
.eets  tov/els  instrjsnents   (   froa  one  to  three  because  I  saw  one  ineaber  arrive  v/itl: 
violins  and  one  viola)   rrasicstands  and  lots  and  loads  of  oueic.  This  was  the  fin 
^  of  a  scene  lastir*g  4  vreeks  run  by  the  British  Finti^rnT  *^  orgar-f  ea^^^?ny^  under 
.9    Os-vLt^.*^    Cr«A.4-^c — a-i^         ,  7he  first  v/eek     quartetts  guintetts  /a?TT  o "dd  string? 2c 
*s  like  nyself-;hose  ?5ad  luck  aadec  it  izxossible  to  come  as  a  quartett  unitT^nd 
■ek  was  an  orchestralv.-eek  which  was  attended  by  a  good  number  of  players  vSo  had 
-rived  v.lth  ae,   3rd  v.'eek  recorders  only  and  the  last  week  sinnging. 
n  3ov.Tiho'.:se  t'^ere  ••'ere  plenty  of  c^lls  v.here   instead  of  contenrlating  the  life 

••'e  v.'ere  ver:'  --ch  r:ore  concemed)/ln  practicing  a  certain  difficjilt  passf 
^ahr:s"   I  never  succeeded  in  counting  ther:  but  there  niust  be  no  end  of  Ir 

^rjesize  rooz:s  v.'here   the  4o  quartetts  or  so  7;orked  for  their  dally  coaching  less 
n.'r^'oboly  was  in  the  least  concerned  about  -^.erefrcn  v/e   C3r.e   and  v;i:ence  v;e  v.-ent 


..*eai  -e 


t  only  '.vhat  did  v/e 


n 


ells 


dsLily  routine; 


LO'*  to  daj'  or  '^.at  shall  ve   '*  ^o   "  to  r.orrow.   'Tov/  this  was 


and 
our,   r.ie  rocn:s 


there  '.r\s   ^ 
v:ere  tidied 


k    *i^  *    > 


for 


the  Bathrooms  as  there  is  in  any 


the  players  3rea-:fast(   and  it  '.tas  good  f:z 


becaug^.everyone  tried  for  the   first  Fidels,    It  was  a  revelati 
/;?ac?fvery^ery  simple.   She  came  made  no   speeches  except  that 


r    and   sore  ver'/  keen  people  rlshed  already  at  7,2o  into  their  cell  for  practice- 
(9rrjsic  cane   fro:::  ever:.-r;here   and  those  '::uartettunits  ^.ho  pla:''  torather  ^n    tl:e 
ar  round  or  had  formed  themselves  at  arrival  \rith  old  friendsC    this   sumerschool 
s  already  been   in  excistence   for  I   rthirJc  12  :.'^ars  and  there   are  novr  many  more  11 
'T.t  different  t;^es  of  e±  suchJ-i'tes  in  excistence) worked  for  their  lesson' of  5o 
n^-ites  mcmir*^  and  afternoon.   3eir^  a  stranger  among  them  I  started  off  to  the 
larg3  G:,Tihall  v;here   I  fo'jnf  ca  31  players  eagerly  av/adti^  Helen  Just  Teacher 
^'^  Cello  at  t:ie  royal  academi^e  for  music  London  and  wife   of  Ivor  James  C.H. Celi 
-Os^,   I  wondered  H077  would  she   shape  us   all  net  knov.'lng  our  /Qualities  and  how 
vrould     she    seat  us 
:ion  to  me   and  as   al^    ,  _  _ 

:he   inforr.ed  As  of  the  prograrsn  and  as  the  Basis  for  chambeirrusic  told  us  to  tune 
•rmr  and  th^t  one  by  one  ?d.th  everyoneelse  absolutely  quiet.   It  took  us  more  than 
-^0  minutes  and  it  had  to  be  perfect.   And  ever^/one  afterwards  knew  escactly  which 
'Ualities  each  player  has.   The   succesful  ^onfort^jnite  leader  of  the  group  had  from 
then  on  the  terrible  task  of  giving  his  A  to  everyone  4  timeds  a  day.  Helen  Juat 
:ever  started  a  reheairsal  without  this  procedure   and  ale ays  took  the  utmost  troubl 
about  everybodies  4  strings.  After  2  days  already  '/fe  were   seated  into  groups 
f   ^artetts   so  that  one   should  not  become  dependent  on  the  player  seated  next 
nd  the  miracle  was  that  without  raising  our  standards   of  technic   she   shaped  the 
usic  by  teSKtjiginsi sting  on  phraseing  pauses  accents  and  little  titbits  which 
ere  the   caract eristics  of  music.  As  much  as  possible   she  tried  to  not  to  conduct 
and  her  concentration  never  never  slackened  durinr  that  week.  The  ^players  we^ 
mostly  nonproffessionals  but  some  v/ere  teachers   at  schools  onexlOBiy  teacher  in 
"remen,    sa'iime   students  at  the  accademitxxHxgnDxxsBBAli^juLxxa  Break  for  coffee  at  1 
11  were  v/e   sat  on  the  lawns  or  went  to  a  musical  librajry  where  you  could  look  at 
or  buy  chamber  music   from  the   oldest  to  the  newestliteratur*e.   'York  from  12  to  one 
Lunch  and  from  2  to  4  we  formed  into  groups  andcdddceerlo^ecpiaytng  and  pla:''ed  vi 
just  so.  Tea  ?.t  4  and  work  from  5  to  b3o  7  dinner  and  every  evenir^g  at  3  there 

"v/as  a  concert  performed  by  the  l^enges  auartetjfcxasd 

'/dth  occasional   addition  for  Qintett  or  Sextett  by 

:'ov;  you  ma;/  sav  for  or  against  the  Kenges  what  you  like  but  there  they  played  s 
erbly.  You  see   if  you  play  to  an  audience  like  that  it  improves  your  pleasure 
'  *    >ia:^nr.   The  works  were  usually  illustrated  and  analysed  by  the  very  asiusiro 


p. 


Vi 


-v  ^ 


.^^^ 


man  Ivor  janes  and  reallv  i  have  not  laughed  in  years   as  mch  as  there  vei 
and  I  cannot  unfortunately  dare  to  copy  sorae  for  your  pleasure  because  It 
rrould  lack  the  atnosphere  his   c  voice  and  the  funny  little  tuff  of  hair  or.    ; 
his  bald  head.  He  is  a  v^ry  lovable  man  and  has  a  -^fonderful  musical  Instir.v  -'. 
Ai^er  the  concert  there  was  the  usual  en^lish"cup  of  tea  and.a-.bun"  and  there 
^re  occasional^  s'ti^  sounds  of  playing:  after  lo,3o  but  I  ^^^^^ 

•^••^11'^  -♦— 'gi''  +0  -*-»*^''v^iit  wi'O'^o   ^r^^  -^o  '^•^^  tvof*^     ^c®  ^*  lunch  time  we  had 
a  gooo  perronnSnce  or^  n  . 

players  partaking  in  the  course  anon£:  then  Students 
>of  the  R.A.r erf orrring  the^och  ^uintett.  This  is  the  li^t  of  works  perforaec 
J«  in  tlie  evening     and  Sere   arc  those  v/orks  v/hich  I  plaved  in  the   course  of  m^'' 
.-^^t^tay  at  Downe  Touse^i— 1-7^^^^1.     .1^^     Uf^        tio.-^,^^      a— 1      ^     i^^o 


\ 


1 


/  • 


^^A-  3 


i 


I 

I 
I 


Seven  days  of  alias  for  all  lovers  of  chanberrrruaic . 

This  should  really  have  been  tne  title  for  the  course 
of  chamber  music,  which  I  -attended  in  the  heavenlv 
situated   "Girls  School,"  (formerly  a  nunnery;  at 
Downhouse,  near  Newbury. 

13c  men  and  women  from  the  age  between  19  and  70 
assembled  there  on  a  certain  Friday  in  the  month  of 
July  equipped  vu.  th  ration  cards,  pillow  slips,  sheets, 
towels  and  instruments,  (from  one  to  three,  because  I 
saw  one  member  arrive  with  two  violins  and  one  viola) 
music  stands  and  lots  and  loads  of  music. 
This  was  the  first  day  of  a  scene  lasting  four  weeks, 
run  by  the  British  festival  Organization  under  the 
Queen's  Patronage, 

The  first  week  quartetts,  quintetts,  -vnd  odd  string- 
players  like  myself,  whose  bad  luck  made  it  impossible 
to  come  as  a  qviartett  unit. 

The  second  week  was  an  orchestral  week,  which  was  atten- 
ded by  a  good  number  of  players,  who  arrived  with  me, 
the  third  week  recorders  only  and  the  last  week  singing. 
In  Downhouse  there  were  plenty  of  cells,  where  instead  of 
contemplating  the  life  hereafter,  we  were  very  much  more 
concerned  in  practicing  a  certain  difficult  passage  of 
"the  Brahms"  I  never  succeeded  in  counting  them,  but 
there  must  be  no  end  of  large  size  rooms  where  the  Uo 
quartetts  or  so  worked  for  their  daily  coaching  lesson. 
Nobody  was  in  the  leist  concerned  about  where  from  we 
came  and  whence  we  went,  but  only  what  did  we  "do"  today 
or  what  shall  we  "do"  tomorrow.  Now  this  was  the  dally 
routine. 


I 


Bells    went    at   7a.m.    and    there   was    a    rash    for    the    bath- 

rooma    as    there    is    in    any    comrn'onal    gr-^up.    The    rooms    were 

tidied    by    the    players.    Breakfast    (and   it    was    good    food) 

at   8    and    some   very   keen    people    rushed   already    at    7:30 

into    their    cell    for    practicing. 

At    9 1    music    came    from    everywhere    and    those   quartett 

units,     who    play    together   all    the    year   round    or   had 

formed    themselves    at    arrival    with    old    friends. 

(This    summer    school    has    already    been    in    existence    for    I 

think    12    years    and    there    are   now   many    niore   anc    different 

types    of    such    likes    in    existence)    worked    for    their    lesson 

of    50  minutes   morning     \nd    afternoon. 

Being   a    stranger    ajn-n^    thera,    I    started   off   to    the    large 

gym   hall,    where    I    found   ca    31    Dlayers    ep.gerly    awaiting 

iielen   Just,     teacher    for   cello    at    the    Royal    A'caiemy    for 

Music    La^don    afld    wife    of   Ivor  James    S.H.     Cell    too. 

I    wondered,    how    would    she    shape    us    all   not   knowing    our 

qualities      n d    how    wojld    she    se^t    us,    because    everyone 

tried    for    the    first    fidela . (fiddles ) 

It    was    a    revelation    to    me    and    aa    always,     revelations 

are    very    very    simple.     She    came,    made    no    speeches,    excent 

that    sh*^nformed    us    of    the    program    and     .s    the    basis 

for    chambermusic ,     told    us    to    tune. 

And    that    one    by    one   with    everyone    else    absolutely    q'liet. 

It    took    us   more    than    ^O   minutes    and    it    had    to    be   perfect. 

And    everyone    afterwards   knew   exactly,    which   qualities 

each   player   has.    The    successful    unfortunate   leader    of 

the    group   had    from    then    on    the    terrible    task   of    giving 

his    A    to    everyone    k    times    a    day. 


Helen    Just    never    started    a    rehearsal    without    this 
procedure    and    always    took    the    utmost    trouble    about 
everybody's    ^    strings. 

After   2    days    already    we    were    seated    into    groups    of 
quartetts    so     that    one    should    nor    becntr.e    dependent    on 
the    player    seated   next,    and    the   miracle   was,     tihat 
without    raising    our    standards    of    technic,    she    shaped 
the   music   by    insisting   on    phrasing    pauses,    accents    and 
little    tidbits,    which   were    the    characteristics    of   music. 
As    much    as    possiJile,    she    tried    not    to    conduct    and    her 
concentration    never   never    slackened    during    that    week. 
The    players    were    mostly    non-professionals,    but    some 
were    teachers    at    schools.    One    teacher   in    Bremen,    some 
studants    at    the   -^cademy    - 

Break    for    coffee    at    11,    where    we    sat    on    the    lawns    or 
went    to    a   musical    library,    where    you    could    look    at 
or   buy    chanber   music    from    the    oldest    to    the   newest 
literature.     Vork    from    12    to    one    -    Lunch    and    from    2-U 
we    forrr.ed    into    groups    and    played    Just    so.    Tea    at    k 
and   work    from    3-6:30.    7,    dinner    and    every    evening    at    8 
there    was    a    concert    performed    by    the    Menges    Quartett 

with    occasional    addition    for   ^uintett    or    Sextett    

Now   you   may    say    for   or   against    the    Menges    what    you    like, 
but    there    they    olayed    superbly.    You    see,    if    you    play    to 
^n    audience    like    that,    it    Improves    your   pleasure    of 
playing.    The    works    were   usually    illustrated    and    analysed 
by    the    very    amusing   man    Ivor  James    and    really,    I   have 
not    laughed    in    years    as   much   as    there    -    and    I    cannot 
unfortunately   dare    to    copy    some    for    y^ur   pleasure, 
because    it    would    lack    the    atmosphere,    his   voice    and 
the    funny    little    tuff    of   hair    on    his    bald   head. 


He    is    a   very    lovable    man    and    has    a    wonderful    musical 
instinct,    '^-fter    the    concert,     there    was    the   usual 
^(jlish    '*cup    of    tea    and    a   bun"    and    t:.ere    were    occa- 
sionally   still    sounds    of   playing:    after   10:30    but    I 
never   really    tried    to    find    out    where    and    who    did    them. 
'-'nee    at    lunch    ti.-se    we    had    a    good    perfonrance    of   players 
partalcing    in    the    course    umong    them    students    of    the 
R.A,(Hoy^i    Academy)    performing    the    Bloch    ^uintett. 
'-^his    is    the    list    of   works    performed    in    the    evening 
and    those    works    which   I    played    in    the    course    of  my 
wonderful    stay    at    Downe    House    at    the    cost    of   7.I76O 


Brahms  ^^uintett  op. 38  in  F 

Beethoven  Fmin.  op. 95 

f\ircell  ^haconne 

Mozart  Quintett  K..515 

V. Williams  Phantasy  Quintett 

Dvorak  Sextett  op. 48 

Schubert  "Death  and  the  Maiden." 

Debussy  G  min . 

Bloch  Quintett  r2 

Mozart  Quintett  in  £ 

Hoiydn  op.  33  ^3 

Schubert    quintett    op.163 


Wh«,   Vera   wa.   12   years   old.    I    was    already   a   fully 
fledsed   teenager  and  «ore   than   welcomed   invitation, 
to   ride  behind    a  boy   on   a  ■otorbike.    receive   po«»,, 
flowers   or    presents    from   my  various    "bows." 
It   was    the    time    of   Kafka.    Brecht.    Strawlnlky.    Richard 
Strauss.   Ja«.    Marlene  Ui.trich.    "The   Countess  Mant.a- 

short   hair,    short   clothes   and  nylon   stockings. 

I    was    permitted    to  go    to   concerts   in    the   evenings, 
although  I    was    still    in   Higi,    School. 
Verale    seemed   "awed"    -   and   I    remember  her   asking- 
-how  do    you    do   it7--    while    expressing  her  wish    to    do 
likewise.   By    trying   to   console   her.    I   said, -it  will  be 
the    same   for    you    one    day." 
However,    it    never  happened. 

Not   only   did    she    have    a  different   disposition,    but    time 
*aa    against   any   possibility    of   ever   enjoying    the  kind   of 
life  I    had   for   so    many    years. 

She   was    -late-  in    growing  up.    and  by    then,    our  society 
had   begun   to    disintegrate.    Profound   anzlety  influenced 
our  daily  life.   J.wi.h   people  were   reluctant    to  main- 
tain   relationship,   with  Aryans    and  ^Ty^s    shied  away   from 
Jews.    When  V.rale    finally  .et   so-eone   ,h.   liked,   he  wa. 
the    son    of  my   parent's    friends. 

He   was   a  medical    student,   who  was   also  a   passionate 
amateur  photographer.    Only   about   a  block   away   from  us, 
he   lived   with   his    parents   in   a  aumptlioas  villa. 


In    spite    of   a  very   different    lifestyle    the   Jewish 
society   had    to    adopt   at    that    time t VeraJe   seemed   happy. 
"No   Jevs"    signs    appeared   on    coffee   and   movie   houses, 
people   were    leaving   or   discussing    their  depaxture,    there 
were    rumors   of    torture,    disappearances,    suicides,    there 
was    a   "hush"*    in    the    a tino sphere,    which    seemed   to    be    growing 
by    the   day. 

When    Vera   got    officially    engaged    to   him,    she   had    a   job 
and    appeared    to    be    satisfied.    However,    it    took   very   many 
years    before   Verale    told   what    actually   happened    next: 

Without   informing   neither  Vera  nor  my    parents,    her 

fiance's    family  had   been    trying    to    arrange    a  visa   to    the 

States.    So   it    came    like    a   thunderbolt,    when    they   suddenly 

announced,    that    they  were   leaving. 

-^t   was   natural    for  Vera    to    think,     that    they    will    get 

■angled   and    she   would   leave   with    them,    but    there   was    the 

question    of   a  dowry* 

Yes,    my   father  was   willing  —    but   under   the    circumstances » 

he  was   reluctamt    to   give   more,    than  he    specified. 

Actually,    the   prospective   father  in   law  was    a  much 

wealthier  man    than   my    father.    It   was   193^   amd  my    father 

felt    responsible    for  his    many    employees    as    well    ais   for 

his   family. 

Nevertheless,    they    insisted   on    getting    a   larger   sum    as 

a  dowry   — -    amd    so    they    departed    without   Verale. 

Psychologically   V«ra   could   not    accept    the   situation 

and   feeling   certain    to    be    loved  by   her    fiance,    she  was 

waiting   for   a   sign    -    a   letter    -   a    cable    -   something. 

But  nothing    ever  caoe. 


When    I    saw   her    again,    she    was    very    still,    quite    be :ufiful 

and   better   groomed    than    it    was    her    custom. 

We   met    in    Holland,    where    she    stayed   with   her  good   friend 

Alicel.    It    was     tie    Spring   of    I937    and    she    was    on    her 

way    to    Oxford    as    an    "aupair"     to    Dr.    Berenblum's    children. 


VHY      OXFORD      ???? 

Strange  to  say,  but  the  reason  why  Vera  would  go    to 

Oxford  had  its  beginning   with  my  brother  in  law: 

Rudy  Beerel. 

At  this  time  laws  agaiinst  transferring  money  out  of 

Germany  had  been  an  accepted  fact  and  many  tried  to 

find  all  kinds  of  ways  to  smuggle  it  out,  Thus,  ^dy 

bought  a  diamond  ring  and  a  small  IS  karat  gold  handbag, 

went  to  London  and  found  a  wholesaler,  who  was  willing 

to  buy  them,  but  the  offered  price  did  not  satisfy  him. 

^hen  Rudy  came  to  Paris,  where  he  left  the  jewelry  with 

his  brother,  my  husband,  in  the  hope  that  he  might  be 

able  to  get  a  better  price. 

However,  this  was  not  the  case  so  ny  husband  mailed  it 

all  back  to  th^wholesaler  in  London.  Since  this  is  agaiinst 

international  law,  the  wholesaler  was  furious  and  cabled, 

that  he  had  no  use  for  these  pieces  amymore  and  demanded 

to  have  them  picked  up. 

For  some  reason  my  husband  needed  this  money  very  badly 

and  so  he  reminded  me  that  I  have  some  "^glish  uncles" 

-  -  handed  me  a  worthless  violin,  which  I  should  also  try 

to  sell  and  "shipped"  me  with  borrowed  money  the  same 

evening  to  London* 

For  me  tnis  was  great  adventure!  It  was  February,  I  spoke 

no  English,  had  no  money  and  had  never  seen  these  "English 

uncles."  By  crossing  the  frontier  in  the  middle  of  the 

night,  the  inspector  asked  me  to  leave  the  train  to  be 

questioned*  I  made  a  suspicious  impression* 

Rather  young  and  quite  pretty,  dressed  in  a  light  colored 

furcoat  wi th  an  artificial  rose  pinned  at  the  lapel. 


A  German  passport,  on  which  it  was  marked  that  I  am  a 
pianist,  but  carried  a  violin,  the  inspectors  were  at 
a  loss  what  to  think  of  me. 

Hy  husband  had  urged  me  not  to  mention  the  Jewelry,  so 
I  only  spoke  of  the  "English  uncles"  which  they  did  not 
believe  me.  ^fter  some  minutes  of  questioning  I  became 
rather  uneasy,  which  gave  me  the  idea  to  invent  a  boy- 
friend in  London* 

"You   see,"   I  said,  "that  I  am  married,  but  I  have  a 
boyfriend  in  London  whom  I  wish  to  be  with." 
It  was  purely  made  up,  but  it  worked:  I  was  in  England!! 
At  5  o'clock  in  the  morning  I  arrived  in  this  foggy  town 
and  di<inot  know  what  to  do  with  myself,  when  I  remembered 
a  composer  from  Vienna  whom  I  met  in  Paris  and  had  given 
me  as  his  next  address  the  Hotel  *^egent  in  London. 
When  I  arrived  at  the  ^^otel,  he  had  moved,  but  there  was 
a  f'rench  speaking  manager,  who  was  able  to  trace  his 
present  address,  gave  me  some  money  and  a  bellboy  to 
put  me  on  the  right  bus. 

The  composer  was  in  bed  and   -  to  put  it  mildly  - 
rather  suprised  to  see  me.  ^e  breakfasted  together  and 
^    told  him  of  the  transaction  I  was  supposed  to  do* 
At  a  reasonable  hour  I  telphoned  my  &iglish  uncle 
(uncle  Felix)  but  he  was  in  Merocco.  His  brother  Erwin , 
who  did  not  even  know  of  my  existence  -  proposed  me  to 
come  to  the  office  for  lunch. 

Rather  shocked  with  my  appearance,  he  did  not  know  what 
to  do  with  me  nor  with  my  Jewelry.  So  he  called  his  wife 
Hetty,  who  was  to  pick  me  up  from  the  underground  station 


By   wishing  me    good-bye   he  made   it    quite   clear,    that   no 
Bake   up  would    be    tolerated   in   his    house.    It   was    a  beautiful 
house   in    Hampstead,    but    I   was    given   a    room   where    the    water 
was    frozen    and    the    electric^«^'^'*-'^was    shining   but   not 
wanning.    So    for  many   days   I    slept    fully   dressed    in   my 
furcoat   on    the    floor  next    to    this    electric       heater. 
There   was    a  bathroom,    but   it    was    always    occupied    and    I 
did   not   know   enough   English   and   did  not   dare    to    ask    at 
what    time    I   may   be    able    to  use   it. 

After   a   few  days   my    composer    friend   gave  me    some    toilet 
water  while   stating       that   I   had  begun    to    smell.    He   was    a 
wonderful    companion    and    it  was    also   he    who    finally   helped 
me    to    find   someone    to   sell    the    Jewelry      and  mail    the   money 

to  my   husband. 

For  me    living   without  heat   was    pure    suffering   which   stopped 

me    from    thinking   straight,    -"^ating    fried    fish   with    tea    at 

8   o'clock   in    the   morning    and   no   one    shaking   hands   with 

me   made   me    uncomfortable. 

But,    I   gradually    adapted,    because    people   were    so    kind    to 

me.    There    was    a   nice   grand   in    the    salon,    many    complimented 

me   about  my   Biglish,    there   was    a   possiibility   of   getting 

a   scholarship    —    so    I   remained   in    London, 

Tlie    family   intended    to   give   a    party    and   Hetty    suggested 

to   wrtte  my   husband    to  mall   my    evening   dress. 

It   was   a  beautifully      custom   made    white    satin    gvwn    from 

^reslau    to    which  my   mother  in    law   had   given    me   a   white 

ermin    cape,    since   it  was    deeply   cut  and   she   knew  how 
much   I   suffered   with   cold    rooms.    I    was    pretty  much   in 
contrast    to    the    rather  young   English  daughters    who   were 
dressed  in    tulle. 


Reni    in    light   green,    Joan    in    pink   and    Peggy    in   brown. 

While   dancing      to    and    fro    1    suddenly  noticed    a   grin    on 

a  middle   aged  man   when    it    '*hit'*    me    that    this    m^st    be 

uncle   Felix   of   whom  my   mother   had    spoken    so   often. 

I    was    more    than    happy    to    see    him    -    it    felt    as    if  I    had 

finally    found   my    "ID." 

However,    after    tlie   party,    I    was    told    to   move    into    a  hotel, 

since    they    expected   another   cousin    to   live   %fi  th    them. 

They   would   pay    for   it.    This   being   done,    I   had    to    find 

someone,    who    would   give   me    food    and    perhaps    a   scholarship. 

"^trange    as    it   may    sound,    I    arranged   it   all: 

I    was    accepted   at    the    ^obum    House    for  my  meals,    supplied 

with   some  money    to    study   Jazz   as   well    as    a   course    to   learn 

English    at    the  University. 

However,    my   husband   resented   my    independence    and  wrote; 

"If    you    are   not    able    to    share    bad    times   with   me,    then   we 

better   part. " 

Although  I  knew  he  had  only  debts  and  did  not  even  pay  rent 

for  our  furnished  room,  I  returned  to  him  after  three  monthi 

Since  I  had  wx-itten  in  detail  everything  to  my  mother  she 

came  to  the  conclusion  that  I  must  have  made  a  rather  bad 

impression  upon  the  English  family* 

Consequently  she  decided  to  go  to  London.  Loaded  with  some 

nice  presents,  not  only  to  find  out  what  really  happened, 

but  also  to  reacquaint  herself  with  Felix,  whom  she  had 

not  seen  in  many  years* 


It   was    1935. 

All  over  the  world  Jews  discussed  how  to  behave  or  what 
to  do.  The  Nazis  seemed  like  a  growing  cuicer,  which  no 
one  understood   nor  diagnosed   correctly  Its    ghastly 

ifflplications. 

However,    triggered      by  my    '•adventure,"    my   mother  under- 
took   this    trip    to    see   ^elix    and  met    a^ain   her  good   friend 
Martel    i^teinitz. 

Thus,  it  was  on  account  of  this  Journey  that  my  mother 
was  able  to  arrange  the  au-pair  position  for  Verale  in 
Oxford   when    she   was   in   need    of   a   chamge. 


Before   I    continue   writing    about    these   rather  fragmented 
documents    as   well    as   memories    let  me   give    you    an    idea 
about    the    atmosphere   of    that    time. 

Vhen    Verale   married    Walter   in    1938   I    lived    in    Paris 
with  my   husband   under   rather   difficult    circums tances. 
But    so   did   my    parents    and    all    those,    who    opposed 
"Hitlerism"  .    Many   of  us    thought,     that    if    the   AJ.lies 
would    Just    drop    a   few   bombs    over    Berlin    or    the    concen- 
tration   camps,    everything    would    collapse. 
But    those    were   dreams. 

The   following   year   1939    Varschau  ( Vaursovie)    burned    and 
war   had   begun.    The    years    that    followed   forced   all    of 
us    to    constant   difficult   adjustments. 

Letters,    particularly    from    Vera,    were   rare.    Her   confidant 
was    my    mother   whom    she    saw    occasionally,    but   I    was 
left   out,    not   only   because    I    lived    so    far   away    that      we 
could   hardly    see    each   other,    but    also,    because    in    order 
to    survive,    I    had   been    obliged    to    adopt    an    entirely 
different    lifestyle. 

Thus,    you   will    find   huge    time   gaps    in    this   collection. 
As    sm    example:    it    took  more    than   10   years    after   ^erale's 
marriage   before   I    saw  her  a^ain    in    Leeds    at  my   mother's 
home.    Suffering   from    a    tumor   in   my    spinal    cord    (which 
took   another   year    to    be    diagnosed    correctly)    I   was    in 
a   sozrry    state. 


Moreover.    I   was    dependent    on    medication    and   more 
often    than    not    in   violent    pain.    Nevertheless,    I 
believe   we    succeeded    in    lau^hin^       together    as    in 
the   old    times,     although    these    were    only    seconds 
of  happiness    taicing    our       thoughts    away    from    the 
anguish   we    felt    in    adjusting    to   new    lives    in    our 
uprooted    and    confusing   world    in    which    every    familiar 
element   had   vanished, 

Verale    lived    a    difficult    life    in    Israel,    as    you 
may   well    remember,    my   mother    vi th   very    little    money 
without  her  loved   ones    alone    in    England    and   I    had 
to   face   the    problems    of  my   own    life. 
However,    although    'strangers"    in    a   way.    we   both 
tried    to   be   like    sisters    and    adjusted    to    one 
another  in    our    first    renuion    in   more    than 
ten   years. 


Worte  kffnnei*  es  nlcht  sa^en 
was  G«fUhle  slad  •- 

^^°d  ajl,n«lne  helasen  Pfageb 
ffprech  Iwh  in  den  Vindy 

la  den  Wind  der  sl^e'blmreffti^rt 
in  Vergessenheit  '^  is^-^S^ 

Heut  noch  alles  aturabewegt 
wlrd  bald  Vergangenhelt. 

Waff  heut  in  air  laut  sprechen  will 
mlt  helsaeatem  Gerihl 

^  h^J^^^^  Morgan  wleder  •tiU- 
ab^ekiart  und  kUhl  •^-uj. 

Vorte  kOnnen  es  nlcht  sa^en 
was  GefUhle  slad 
Und  all  aelne  helssen  Fra^en 
aprech  Ich  In  den  Wind. 


Tra^achea  Schlckaal  lat  ea  zu  SoUen 
/      ^»  ^.n.^  ^^^^  ^  Wollen, 
;      GWciaichea  Schlckaal  lat  irfOUnng  d 

Boch  z^eapalt  br§\?fl^:^^  ^eehnen 

Txnd  ftr  Becht  elnzuatehen. 


i^^«^-.j«         I  — a— jBi 


rik^ 


c 


w 


Not  dat«d 


"L'^'.iT"''*    "''  ^"^   ""otiona    feel 
And   .11  ay  bot  questions  1    sp.I^  i„^      ,^ 
T«    *w        -^  »P«ajc   into    the    vind 

-tn    the    wind    which    car-r-i^.    ♦.k  '^na. 

Today   all    stll^    .i-^!!.  "    ^''^^    ^"to    foreetrui«-. 

u^-4.     -T^r^  "^    stormy    -toon   win    k->    -.u      "^"-^s' ^-iuixiess 

Vhat   wished   loud    to   talk  wlthr^  ^^'^    P*«^ 

within    myaelf  with   the  .o.t   fex^ent 
Tomorrow   already   it   is    ..signed    and    cool  -otlon.. 

Vorda   cannot    .ay   how   emotiona    f.-i 
And    all   my   i,ot   questions   ispef^in..    .h 

apeaic   into    the    wind. 


Tra^c   fate    to    "muat"    t^^M 

Happy   fat.   1,    sa^sfacwfn    !„    *°    ""'"*'" 

-^1  though  doubts   brrngthe  J^""*^  deatiny 

"d    to  dofsnd   on,-,   rlffh?  *'    towards   lonfflnj 


Coomejitj^  Like   m, ,    v.ral,    Uved   .Ion      . 

in    sxtrem.iy   difficult    situ J^   •'"*^"»    ^ar, 

^r   family,    frisnd..    .t,d    curtur^'' 

destroyed    nnd    we   were   f^^fn    !!.""'"•    "rutally 

Within    ourselves   wiThour^'u^rhe^f    '   ""^^^ 

Verale    tried   to   adjust   bv   h.^ 

which   she    call,    -b^r  de^ti^^t"^  t  *°°''  '»°**'«^  - 

obliged    to    cope   with   evf^v^K.    "  '~*'    ^^   ^'ing 

•"d   wl-hed      for   a   littirLr      f   '"■"'    »»'«   ref.nt.d 

to   be    "her   right."  "°"    happl„es..    .he    f  ,i " 


A  Mothers 

Be  happy,    be   ^ay, 

The  worries   won't   run   away 

Work  hard   but   leave    the    rest 

To    the   One    (and   only)    who   knows   beat 

Lau^h   at    the   flowers*    snell    the   wind, 

Mi.x  with   people   of   a  happy   kind 

Be   sad   %flth   o there »    cry   at    sad    thought) 

But  dont   live   your  life 
with  fearsome   gods. 


/ 


o^^^k-t^  . 


lU,  k 


Xa^ 


-Oc 


"^^ 


I 

I 
I 
I 

! 

I 


Once  I  was  young,  impertinent  _a  hopefol  fool, 
How  happy  and  cocksure  I  was  of  myself. 

Then  I  loved, How  rich  how  f'JLllwas  my  life 
Me,!  loved  was  loved I 

Then  this  love  died  the  world  caime  to  an  end 
No  friend, no  father, no  mother  could  help; 

I  then  found  an  outstreched  arm 
So  warn 
So  dear 
So  honest 

I  looked  for  the  heairt  I  found  it 

The  world  was  still  grey 

Grey  the  people  who  did  not  know 

Tha^  I  was  but  a  corpse  'Yalking   Talking, 

I  then  gave  life  One  Two  Three 

Tiey  laughed  they  cried  they  needed  me. 

They  blew  life  into  me,  oh  how  hard  they  blew 

The  world  looked  on  T  still  wa,a  dead. 

Then  I  came  to  Palastine 

Oh  to  think  how  soft  I  grewl 

I  started  life  afresh. 

Tew  tears 

Mew  laughter 

New  thinking 

No  shrinking  away  from  the  passt. 
II 

"Oit  of  that  corpe'^T  cried 
"New  men  but  to  live-'life" 
Life 

The  waves  of  life  ar«  beating  me  hard 
Sometimes  I  drown 
But  my  eyes  now  can  see 
'''^^!ify  heart  can  feel 

That  I  thank  thee    Palastine. 


k^^^\\      Oxford   \<^Mr 


V 


.^..^-v... 


Fan  t2i«€  veil  Kogland 
That  baa  given  ne  boot 

Fare  tbae  veil  Snglaod 
Tbat  baa  given  me  all 

Huaband  and  children 
Family  and  friend 

TTbitbont  you  England 
Wbere  would  I  stand? 

would  my  bead  have  been  shrunk  to  a  dolls  bead  size? 

o-  would  zv  soul  from  tka  gaacbamber  arise  f  ^,r>^onn? 

^tjI^^  bid^  lie  with  tboSaand  owners  In  a  forgoLLen  dungeon? 

Would  I  bave  been  burnt? 
Cut  to  pieces  like  wood? 

Fare  tbee  well  England 
Tbat  baa  given  me  bome 
Fare  tbee  well  Island 
Tbat  bas  given  me  all* 

V 


VTfe, 


•^J- 


? 


Vein  geliebtes  Kariandel. 

Ich  habe   ^.ir     so  viel  rd     schreiben  aber  es  ist   s     achwlerig  ia  kurzer 
•    Torten     alles   zu  schreibea  und  'yi  vreisst  ich  bin  langatmig,  daher  weij 
Su  auch  so  wenig  von  mir.   Ich  freue  jnich  sehr^  dass  Du  nit  Isa  zuaaarne 
TTarst.   Ich  flaube  es  flllt  ihjn  entsetzlich  schwer  micht  mehr  gut  auazu 
sehen  u»d   sich^r  hat  er  Schmerzea,  ?run  zu  Teiaen  Triefea.   Die    wilder 
sind  sehr  suss.  Hildes  Kleiner  sieht  ge»au  aus  wle  Henry  in  dero  Alter 
U^jttel  sieht  aus  '^e    ein  zerzauaes  Huha.   So  gerae  wtlrde  ich  sie  bier 
babea.  Du  hast  air  moch  alcht  geantwortet  una  ich  weiss  micht  ob  Du 
weiaeu  irief  bekoanen  hast  oder  ob  er  verlorea  gegaagea  ist.   Use  aat 
wortet  sie  will  wis  sea  was  eia  Ajrtrbbesuch  kostet  ,   ob  es  eiae  Versid 
cheruag  gibt  u«d  was  eia  Tag   ijs  Hospital  kostet,   Alle  diese  ?*ragea  brai 
ehe  ich  ia  Woaeat  aicht  ra  beaatwortem  dean  die  Lage  wacht  es  «ir  xmnf^gl 
■  llch  Flilne   zu  ?nachen.   Selbst  wean  alles  sehr  bale  ruhig  wlrd  bia  ich  2:u  * 
»erv'5a  jetzt  Pline   ra  aachea.   Vua   zu  Deiaer  Post:  far  es  Dir  ait  Gadiel  i 
auch  so  langweilij  '^e  Mir??   Ich  war  froj  wie  er  weg  war,  Keiae  Hume,  ) 
keiae  i»oabons  hat  er  gebracht,   Ich    habe  eia  feiae  s  Xssea  gefaeht,   au^ 
geblasea,   duiw  uad  langweilig,  Uad  Deia  ^iadruck?? 

Isa  wird  ja  wohl  jetzt  wec^ea  xa  der  politischea  Lage  nicht  herkoaaea, 
Schade,   Ich   staad  aal  sehr  g^Jt  ait  ihm,   *r  tut  air  leid  ait  seiaer 
Verbreiwuag.  Das   ist  ^rklieh   eia  grosser  Schock.    ^reue  aich  er  gefJLllt 
,  Dir  auch.  Ja,  Vielea  Daak  fUr  eiaea  Teil  der  loaboas,   Der  Zweite  ist  « 

aoch  nicht  gekoanea,   lesoaders  das  Varzipaa  ait  ?TUssea  war  €ia'  Traum. 
•■  ^as  ist  ait  Deimea  Landlord  plStzlieh?  Will  er  die  Uiete  raufaetzea? 
Von  GrtlaaaJidel  babe  ich  Post,   Ir  aucht  nebbich  was  er  aie  iiehr  findea  wj 
Die  d'.ahre  uad  ?eine  Jugead  von  1925.... 

Du  willst  tiber  die  Kinder  wissen?  Weia  Hauptproblea  bei  dea  Kiadera  bin 
•'  ich.  Ich  verstehe  aicht  sehr  gut  zu  erziehea,   Ich  bia  sicher  Du  wurdest 

as  alles  viel  besser  aachen.    Ich  bin  zu  inkonsequeat  und  so  viel  MUbe 
'  ich  air  auch  ?ebe  und  so  viel  ^egeln  ich  air  far  aich  oder  mir  fUr  die  K 
:  Kinder  aufstelle.   immer  kofwrt  was  dazwischea,  und  ich  verresse  alle  gute 
Plane  oder  Vorsatze,   Ich  sehe   auch  an  meinea  Tagebuchem.'dass  es  schoa 
.  ijHner  so  war,  Ich  schreie   oft,   viel  uad  tJbertlUssig  uad  bin  leider  kein 
(OTp^chem  sondera  ein  Wops.  Kach  diesea  Vorredea  warde  ich  Dir  Jetzt  achl 
dera  wie  die  Kinder  siad,   ^utbie  sehr  htlbscb,   intelligent  fiirchtaam, 
wehr  treu  und  gut  aber  veraucht  zu  doainieren  wo  sie  &aaa,   Im  Moment 
iJ-I^  ^^tr^l^^^^^^  ifcngstlich  wegen  Krieg  und  ausserdem  aber  davoa  weisj 
»lluttel  KICHTS,  MUSS  sie  am  llinddara  operlert  werdea.  Is  eilt  aicht  aber 

;'aber    ho^ffentlich  nachsten  Monat,   Auch  davor  bat  sie  Angst.   Ii»er  sieht 
sie  seht  adrett  aus  trotaden  ich  ihr  aebbich  aichts  k^e.  Jomv  iat  in 

iriir^'Jo^rJ.'^^^  r^>  "i?     «"^  ^^  ^«^  ^^^  lautH^Jlr^nntreues 
'^^^^h;  ?^^^\t!lf ''w**?^^^*^•''^^^^^"l  ^««  obne  Anleitun*    Ser 
,Drs^]le^Sf^'^l^^;^^J?J.  Sd'Sir.aS'ei'ift'ln":;?  ^^-  'i«^S  ^ach. 

komae  Sonnabend  Abe^S^wcKiSr  ll^ll  Jli  iJeSiLa'Sc^HSsr^rMn'^ 

St  vi^     noif'^fS?,!'*  S^i:*"  ^iOTer  in  Kitten  von  Wasser  vezmischt 
""  ^?SlA-*  «^i-!!?.^!^!_^?r^^^^^3  ^-^-^^  ^  achmusst,.,Icb^aMe  L 


die  Tre} 


!i:!f^j?L'i^:7^^.^^.r*«^„^«^ "  aui^zuwis^h^riio^T 


Sd  ^^.»'i^'L??L^;:  V^l  Nasser  vonlescSpnbX'i^kimT'zf  air 
^t     ^1     J       /""^  ^^*  "^^^^^  binschUttenC  als  ob  er  es  Scht  wSiL 
Tch  antworte  bCse  dass  er  •utbie  nicht  geboLfen  hat,  nicht  tiberdar       ' 
^afteriklf*  ■Irn^aifti.egal"  »  fragt  noch  aal"  die  gleicne  Xntwo-t  dan^ 
e.aiehs-e  V^al  er  fragt«  Zitrtck  in  aein  Zijmer"?  leh  sage  Wenn  W  wlUatJ 
3tell  Mr  vor  er  gebt*und  acfaBeisst  daa  Waaaer  aoeb  nU  xortlek  in  aei^ 
ZliBwrU:::  Gott  babe  icb  galacbt;  Dann  bat  er  aebr  still  tsid  rahig  alj 
ia^iS^^IT  ajofirewiacht  and  ina  ELo  geaebftttet.  Was  aagat  Du? 


TsmabhJLs^g  Tom  de«  Utera  umA  so     gnt  iaror«ierx  uoer  aj-iea  aasB  ler 
oft  tehr  wemif  Material  mlt  Iha  zu  ff»reehe»  babe.  Mr  fehlt  «lr  oft  uad 
lA  bedanre  et  ao  aahr  daas  wir  so  eiae   aerbrochae  ^aaille  siad,  Uit 
Walter  atehe  ieh  gnt  aber  als  Fajslllc  cxeisti^rea  wir  leider  aieht.  Wa« 
willst  IW'aoeh  wlssea?  tTber  die  Arbeit  werde  ieh  aa  nse  anaftthrlieh 
sehreibem  oad  sie  bittea  dea  irief  nr  lieh  anfsuhebea^   Ieh  babe  irrossn 
Huager  aber  !^uthie  aaeht  Abeadbrot  \iad  da  wage  ieh  alch  aieht  ia  die      * 
Ktlche,   Sie  wird  sicher  sehr  hubseh  riad  weaig  gebea  wie  Ty\ill 
Mir  geht  es  es  mieht  schleehj.   laaigste  KUsse  Mariaadel  voa  Deiaea 


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November    1st,    I956 

My    beloved   Mariandel, 

I    have    so   much    to    write    you,    but    it   is    difficult    to   write 

everything   in    a   few   words    and    you   know   I    am    of   "everlasting 

breath,"    this    is    why    you   know    so    little    about   me. 

I    am   very    happy    that    you   met    Isa.    I    believe    that    it   is    very 

difficult    for  him    to   have    lost   his    good    look^   and   he  must 

certainly   be    in    pain. 

Now    tP    your   letters.    The    pictures    are   very    sweet.    Hilda's 

youngest    one    looks    exactly    like    Henry    at    his    age.     "Muttel" 

looks    like    a    picked    chicken,    I    would    love    to    have    her   here. 

You   did   not    answer  me    yet    and   I    don t   know   if    you    received  my 

letter   or   if   it   got    lost. 

Use    answerei^and    she   wants    to   know   how   much    one   pays    for   a 

doctor's   visit.    I    dont   have    to    answer    to    all    these    questios^s 

at    the    moment,    since    the    situation    makes    it    i-npossible    to 

make    any    plans.    £ven    it    everything   calms   down    soon,    I    am    too 

nervous    to    plan    anything   now    . 

Now    to    your  mail:    Were    you    as    bored    with    Gadiel    as    I   was? 

I    was    glad   when    he    left,    He   brought    no    flowers,    or    candy. 

I    made    a    fine    meal.    He    is    blown    up,    stupid    and   boring.    What 

is    your   impression?    Isa   will    probably   not    come   now   on    account 

of    the    politicaJ.    situation.    Too    bad.    '^^t    one    time   I    had    a  good 

relationship   with   him.    I    feel    sorry    about   his    bums.    This   ia 

really    a   great    shock,    I    am   happy    you    like   him    too. 

Many    thanks    for   part    of    the    candy.    The    second   did   not   arrive 

yet.    ^specially    the   marzipan    with    the    nuts   was    a   dream    •    Vhat 

happened    suddenly   with    your   landlord?    Does   he   want    to    r&ise 

your   rent?    I    had  mail    from   OrtLnmandel,    Nebbich,    he    is    searching 

for   something    that   he   will   aever   find.    Tbe    years    and  his    youth 

of   1925 


Tou    wish    to   know   about    the    children? 

Hy  n.al.    probl.0.   with    the    children    i,    „,„,,.    j    ,,   „„^ 
.tand   howto    raise    then,.    I    an.    certain    yo.    would    do   it  much 
better.    I    a»   inconsistent    and.    aa thougn   I    try   very   hard    and 
-aJc.   re<rulation,    for  n,ys.lf.    a,    well    a,    for    the    children 
.on,ethin<r    always   happens    which  caice,   .,   forget    all   „y  ,oL 
plans    and    intentions. 

I    also    see    this    in   n,x    diaries,    that   I 'was    always    like    that. 
I    screa^n    often    and    a   lot    for   no    reason.    Unfortunately   I    an. 
not   a    ■..MOpschen"    anyore.    but    a    -Mops.-    After    this    intro 
duction    I    shall    now   describe    the    children- 

Ruthy   very    pretty,    intelligent,    fearful.    Cery   loyal    and    ^ood 
but    tries    to    dominate,    wherever   possible.    At    the   ^o.ent    sL    i, 
very    anxious    aWt    the   war   -    and    -   but    of    this    vftatt^l    v 

NOTHING   -    She   has    to   hare    an    appendicitis    on  . 

cippenaici  tis    operation.    Ther*.    l« 
no   h  ,„,   ,,   ,,,    ,„   ,,   ^^^^_    ^^    ^^^   _^^^   ^^    accounTo 

Of    that    she   has    fear    too.    She    always   looks    very   neat      altho„    h 
n.bbich.    I    do    not    buy    her   anything.  "^^ 

^onny   is   in    a   new    school,    he    feels    very    comfortable.    He   is    a 

oud,    wa™    and    faithless    child,    fabricates    char^ning  woodpieces 
intelligent    and   lazy.    A   funny    t.ing:  ''oodpxeces. 

■nie    toilet   was    clogged    and    the    water  ran    inf„    *k 
T    .  V  -  "*°    *^*    apartment: 

ca»e   ho.e    Saturday    evening   after    an   hour   with    friends    into 
^waterbath.    Huthy.    who    s.ould    have    been    in    bed.    is    cleaning 
and   .onny   sxt,   with    friend,    in    his    roon.    in    the   midst   of  wat!r 
»l..<i   wxth   nails,    wood,    paper,     tools    and    so    on    and    -sch..:, 
I    b.gan    to    send   his    friends    away    and    ,h,n    he    began    to    TeZ^'" 

asic..    Where    shall    I    throw    the   water."    (as    if   he   did-nt    .now) 

answer   angrily,    that   he    did   not   help   Huthy.    but   not    about 
th.    water.    I   don t    car..    He    asks    again.    T.,e   sa».    answer,     that 


I    dont    care.    Then    he    asks.'*where    do    you   want   me    to    throw 
the   water,    back    into   my    room?"    I    say, if    you   want!    Ima^ne 
he    goes    and    throws    the    water   back    into    his    room! !!    God, 
did    I    laugh.    Then    he    was    very    still    and   quietly    wiped 
everything    and    threw    i  t    in    the    toilet,     '.^at    do    you    say? 
David    is    a    charming    boy,     completely    relaxed    and    independent 
and    so    well    informed    about    everything,     so    that    I    have    very 
little    to    say    to    him,    I    miss    him    often    and    I    regret    so 
much,     that    we    flire    a   broken    faimlly. 

With    Walter    I    am    in    good    terms,    but   unfortunately   we    do 
not    exist    as    a    family.     Vhat    else    would    you    want    to    know? 
About    the    Job    I    shall    write    extensively    to    Use    and    will 
ask  her    to   keep    the    letter    for   you. 

I    am   very   hungry,    but    Ruthy   makes    the    dinner   and    so   I    dont 
daure    to    go    into    the    kitchen.    Like    you,    she   will    have    every- 
thing  very    pretty    and    not    a   lot. 

Tender   kiss    Marlandel 


from    your 


Ve  have  a  dog  Tizzy"  small,  black,  sweet,  bites  me. 

David  says,  he  comes  from  a  cat.  Ruthy  adores  and  loves  him 


"With  or  without  your  permission  I  made  a  widow  out 
of  you  since  two  divorces  in  one  family  makes  a 
bad  impression." 


Coosnent : 


May   23.    1961 


Isia:    You   may    remember  him    as    your   father's    friend   in 

Oxford,    but    you   may   not   know,    that   he   worked   in    Brazil, 

where   he   had    a   bad    accident. 

In    the  middle    of    the   night   his    Jeep    clashed   with   a 

truck    and    he    was    thro%m    way    out    into    the    fields    where 

he   burnt. 

\/hen    I   met    him,    he    looked    ghostlike,    but    ^    got   used    to 

it    and    a    few    years    later   he    was    better.    He    came    to    NT 

to    live   witn    his    sister   and    to    get   medical    treatment. 

Thus,    V^erale    wrote   him    suggesting    to    meet   me    in    order 

to   have    some    company* 

Gadiel t    is    one    of   our    relatives    from    the    Schiff's    side. 
"ow  we    are    related    escapes    me.     ■hile    in    Breslau    i    never 
had  much   use    for   him.    My    parents    talked    about    his    family 
in    rather   negative    terms.    But    I    remember   hearing,     that 
the   father  made    f eatherdusters    and   his    sister   was    an 
epilectic    -    and (a.  la   Breslau!)    "they    only   have    one   maid." 
Verale    picked   him   up    at    a   later   stage,    -^fter   all,    he    was    a 
•  ingle   male    amd    quite    bright.    I    met   him    in    NY    and   he    was 
very   nice    to    me    for   some    time.    Later,    he   moved    away    and 
I    only    got    Xmas    cards,    although   I    am   quite    sure,    he    came 
to    NY   often.    Now   he    lives    in    Florida    . 


Grdnmandel :    A 


cech. 


playing    the   violin. who    used    to    live    in 


Breslau    and    then    in    Israel.    V^pgAe    flirted    with   him    for 

some    time,    but    she   did   not    want    to   marry   him, 

MOPS:    my   nickname    for   Verale, i.e.    I    called   her   "Mttpschen" 
which   is    a   kind    of   dog    called    "pug"    in    ^glish. 


Mariandel , 


For   your    oOJI    send    you  my  best   wishei 


(missing) 


Greet  all  your  friends  and  acquaintances. 
Imagine  "how  young"  you  are  today,  if  you  were  to 
think  about  your  present  age  in  1971 

With  great  love 


Your 


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24.12.1973 
Orotanrattel  Kri^fts  GebxirtBtn^    ^• 

C^eliobtes   Marifindel, 

Was   fur  eine  herrliche  Ub«rii8chTing  baat   Du  ona 
STi  ChAXiTikkffii  g«fflacht   mit  Karte  7o^  >hittel  und  herrlichen  Kosan*  Vi«l«n  Biotk  t[^ 
fur  die   Idee   g^nz  ab^esehen  von  der  Anaga^*    loh   wollte   Dich  sofort  animfen  v^^ 
ua  IHr  persdnlich  zu  danken  abar  J^ehudah  wazmte  BichClL  ^o.oo)  und  lo   thral    ^-~ 
b«  ich  doch  lieber  und  hebe  air  Geld  fur  eine   wertvollere  ^araachun^  auf* 
Das  Nadchan  traf   ich  nicht   an  ea   kaa  von  Blujian^achaft  und   ich  wte*  nicht   zu 
^auaa*   Herrlich   laoga   Hosan  die   ich   in  unsera   feinate   Kriatalvaaa  gaatallt 
haba*  Die  Hoean  axif  dan  Tisch  zuaainnan  mit  dar  ailbaman  Chanukkija  ait   3  nm*-^ ' 
buntan  Lichtan   an^azundet.   Nochaala  vielen  Bank,    ^as  Bluioenpapiar  banutzta    i^'f 
ZUD  abtropfen  von  Lattke8(lartoffalpuffer)   die   ich  una   zua  Abandbx^t   ■mchta.l^ 

Gaetem  kainen  wir  zuruck  von  3  herrlichen  aonni^^en  ^interta^en 
Zichron  JacovCbargi^i  dar  Anfan^  too  i^«j*Tial.)Daa  Mar  wiadaraal  so  via  ainat 
Jadan  Ta^  riala  Stundan  Xuaik.  arsta  Geiga,  zvaita  Geiga,  ia  laaaarorchaatar 
viala  Stunden  jadan  Ta^:  Mozart  — Prokkokiaff  Quartatt.  Ich  hoffa  auch,  daaaf 
▼ialleicht  vieder  ein  Quartett  zu  Standa  koraoan  vird,  denn  ich  apialta  gvt^  m^ 
wann  auch  ich  achlecht  achnell  spiele  und  nicht  iauaer  gut  7od  Biatt  laaa.  f 
Ich  BU88  neine  3rille  auch  verstarken  aber  ich  habe  aia  ^t  schnall  g^apielt'-^' 
Abar  ia  Ganzan  waran  meine  Mitapielar  uharraacht,  daas  ich  trotz  SIhe  und  ohn^'*' 
Quartett  so  g^ut  drafa  bin*  ^aran  iat  a«in  re^elaaasiges  apielen  ait  i^lavier 
schuld. 

Jehudah  korrigiert  und,   nicht  lantorovz   aondem  Goathe. .  •  ■'ieso 

^"  lioj-         iriadar  nal   auf  dar  Nasr.    Ich    "*»lrr   r-i^h*     -rrr- 

Bcheint  mir  manchoal   als   aai  er  nicht   richtig  gasund.   Ich  vflasta 
er  vor   dar  She   auch  ofter  krank   war  abar   wiv^e   aa  nicht   die  Sltwm  zu^*;^ 
Vielleicht   fra^e    ich    ihn   selbet   mal   &hne    Huthie.    Huthie   hat   das   2.   »?i. 


hrst   ^ 

abar  as 

jam  ob 

fra^n- 

Jahr  trotzdem   sie   doch   ein  bo    Bchweres  Jahr  hatte   ait   2  Mai   l^rankenhaxia   (ich., 

und  fflit   dea  3aby.«an   der  Univaraitat   fartig.    Diese  Snargie   hat  aia  yon  Dir 

garbt  das   ist  kiar  wie   die  Sonne,    Ich  fraua  oich   aehr  fur  sia* 

Die  Praise   ataigen  aia  varruckt  und  da  habe   ich  air  ain^c^a-1-*'*-' '^ 
aalbar  g:anaht«(Mit  Hilfe  ron  ainar  Kollagin).   Jatzt  warda   ich  air'^ruhlin^ 
Btoff  kaufan  und  das   salba  noch  aalnahan  daait   ich  as  allaina  kann.   37*oo 
an  Stella  Ton  13o*oo(und  das   Mar  nicht  hubsch) 

Shira  ist   waiter  ^liebt«   Sie   steht   jetzt  und  schaut  stols   in  die   oelt. 
Schriab  ich  Dir,   dAse   ich  ihr  zua  arttan  2ahn  aina  ^ahnburtsa  kaufta  und 
sia  bagaistert   daran  ruakaut??? 

Ganug  fur  hauta   Nariandal.   Ich  nuss  kochan  gahan.  ti 
I>a  schraibst     iomar  auss  Sals   in  dar  ^auda   aain*   Ja«   Und  anch  in  jadan  Kuol 
chan  komat   at  was  Salt*    Kuttal   sa^a   iaaar:    dar  ^ai^  stirbt   looo  Xal,    dar 
ti^a  1  Nal.    Ich  warda   wain  n   wann     aich  das   Schicksal   trifft*   Bis  dahin 
rarsucha   ivh  aich  und  die   Ga^jsit     auf  dar  Stanj^a   zu  haltan*    X«  iat  laiohtar 
fur  aich  die   ich  so  unenlich  viela  Phasan  dea  Lebans  hintar  air  haba,    als 
fur  jun^a   Lauta,    die  ohna  Sor^n  varvohnt  aofwachsan*   Jonnj  war  ainpaar 
Stunden  lu  Haus   •   Sr  warmt  air  das  Hers*   Gestem   sah  ich  Zvl  Hubinstain  Bai'_ 
aini^n  Monatan*   Xr   ist   in  dar  Havy,   nicht   wieder  zu  arkannan*   Gross,    schla^ 
schlank  und  blendant   schSn*   ^raua  aich  fur  Hannahle* 


Anbai   ain  Gedicht*    Inni^st 

m 


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•o  bmdlj,    that  instead  th«  p««ct   Uuit   .ight  luort  ba.n 
thtir..«^.la.i,  pain  aiui.bIaod.aad.<U.tructio^ 

'^t  ''''''•  !^!   t"**  ^^^•'"^  a  ii-.fear  i.    in  my  heart 
lad-aon  that  I.a«-6o-and-^  <rraadchild  .aiiri 

aad.  Iooic«-happil^.into-oup.rju:e8 
I  aak  nyself  to  tec  trac«a 
of  hopW  for  the  years  to   cone 
after  the  bloody  job  has  been   done. 
Ind  now  I  •■  old  and  yet   .till   alive 

^d'^fi^?"  ^•'''   P**"^*    "o   ••nr  livee   have   ended 
And  ttill   I   an  youn«  enough  yet  to    strive 

for  pleaeurea  of  the  Bind,    the  heart  and  the   flesh 
^e  hope  for  better  ti«e.  are  not  yet   dead. 


9.I0.I973 


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^^  fear  in  ay  hbart  I   tuck  away  with  care 
I  ohallen^   the  uaJcnoim  "li^^ 

To  M^^'  ^^^•f*'^^   "^^i^*  ^•hind  the   .cenee 
Jo  blow  away  the  fear  of  heart  ■^•n«"^ 

Ao  Bake   the  lailee  bloasoa   in  the  imy^i  a     ^  *     • 
and  to  drown  for  eTer..-Sor^iS     ^^^^  "^  ''  '^^'', 

*ariandel,   Da  eiehot    dae  echrieb    irh   o   f 

■c^i'b   ich  2   Tn^e   nach  Auabrtch  dee  Irie^es. 


December   2k,    I973 

Grandmother   Kraft's    birthday 
120    years      "zu   ffesund." 


Beloved  Mariandel, 

What  a  Cllghtful   .uprl,.    you  .ad,  u,   for  Cha^uJcah  with 
.card   rroo,   .Mutt.l   „d  d.li^htrul    ro.„.    „any    thanic.   for 
the   id.a  -    apart   fro-   not   counting   th.   .xp.ns.s.    I   wanted 
to    call    you    n.ht   av.y    to    tha.W    you   personally,    but   Tehud. 
wa^ed  .e   (IL  50..)    a.d   .0   I   prefer   to   write   and  will   ^eep 
the  money   for   a   more   valuable    suprise. 

I    did  not  meet   the   irlrl    -    it-    <«....^    *• 

wie   riri    -    It    came    from   a   flower   shop   and 

A    was   not   home.    Delightfully   lonir   stiMmn^    ^ 

«»  -•.xy    ±ong   stemmed    roses,    which   I 

placed   into    our  flne.t   crystal   vaae.    T^e   ro.e,   on    th.    tabl. 
together  with    th,    .liver   -ChanuRidj..    and   five   colored 
candle,    -  again   .any    thanKe.    I^e   paper  fro.    the   flower, 
used    to   drip   th.    -LattKe...   which  I  .ade   for  our  dinner. 

Yesterday   w,    returned   fro.    three   delightfully   sunny  winter 
day,   m    zichron  Jacov. (hilly .    the   beginning  of   the   Canoel) 
It   was   again    a.   It   u.ed    to   be.    Each   day  ..ny  hour,    of  .u.   c : 
nrst  vloim.    .econd  violin,    m    the   cha.ber  orche,t,r. 
every  day  .any  hour,,   Mozart   —    Proicoffleff  ,uartett. 
1   also  hope,    that   perhap,   a  quartett  will    co.e   about   a^aln. 

It   la    fast,    and   not    always    so    well    wh««   t    u 

TV  7      so    well    when   I   have    to    sl^htread 

..  ::'r::.:"  ■'""" " - '  --  -'-  -"• »- 


However,   my   partners    were    suprised,    that   although  oarried 

and  without   having   a    steady   qi^artett,    I    would   play   so 

well.    I    owe    this    to  my   re^ulajr   playing   with    the    piano. 

Yehuda    corrects,    not   Kantorowiz,    but   Goethe..... 

Vhy  do    you   have    blank   postal    cards    from    Muttel? 

Dove   is    on    his   nose   a^ain .    I   do   not   know   exactly,    but 

sometines   it    seems    to   oe ,    as    if   he    is   not    really   healthy. 

I    would    like    to    know    if  he    had    been    sick    so    often    before 

his   marriage,    but   I    dont   dare    asking   his    parents. 

Perhaps    I    ask      him  myself    some    day    when    Ruthy    is    not 

there. 

Ruthy    finished   her   second    year    at    the   University,    although 

she   had    such   a  difficult   year   -   being    twice   in    the 

Hospital,    once   it   was    me   and    then   with    the   baby.    She 

inherited    this    type   of   energy    from    you,    that    is    as    clear 

as    the    sun.    I    am   happy    for   her. 

Prices    climb    like    crazy    and    so    I    sewed  myself   a    "Parafan" 

(with    the   help   of   a   collegue)    Now  I    shall    buy   material    for 

Spring    to   do    the    same    all    over   again,    so    that   I    can    do 

it   by  myself*    37«*   instead    of  150. -(and   it  was   not    even    prett; 

Shira   continues    to   be    lovely.    She    csin    stand   now   and   looks 

proudly    into    this    world.    Did   I    write,    that   I    bought   her   a 

toothbrush   for  her   first    tooth   and    she   chews    on    i  t   with 

great   pleasure? 

Enough    for    today   Mariandel.    I   must   go    and    cook. 

You    ailways   write    that    enjoyment    has    to    contain    some    salt. 

YeSt    sjid    cake    too    needs    some    salt.    Muttel    always    said: 

■The    coward   dies    a    thousand    times,    the    courageous    only    once." 


I    shall   weep  when   my   fate   coraes.    But,    until    then,    I 

try    to   balance   myself   and  my    environment.    It   is 

easier  for  me,    since   I   have    so  many   phases    of  life  behind 

me,    in    comparison    to    young   people    growing  up    spoiled 

amd   with   no   worries. 

Jonny    came   home    for   a   few  ho    rs.    He   warms  my   heart. 

Yesterday    I    saw   Zwl    Rubinstein    again    after   a   few   months. 

He    ia    in    the   Navy,    unrecognizable.    Tall^  thin,    and 

delightfully  handsome.    I    am   happy    for   Hannahle. 

Enclosed    a   poem. 


With   love 


Vera 


September  10,    1973 


And  now  X   an   old    and  new  war  has    come 

And  now  I   am   6o   and   our   children    fl^ht 

Which  miffht   is    pulling    the    strings   behind    the    scene? 

So   badly,    that   instead    the    peace    that   ai^ht  have   been 

There   a^ain   is   pain   and  blood    and   destruction. 

And  now    that   I    am   old   and    a  new    fear   is   in   my  heart 

And   now    that   I    am    60   and  my   grandchild    smiles, 

And   looks   happily   into    our   faces 

I    ask  myself    to    see    traces  ' 

Of  hope    for    the   years    to   come 

After   the   bloody   Job  has   been   done. 

And  now  I    am   old    and   yet   still    alive 

So   many    years   have    passed,    so   many   lives   have    ended 

And   still    I    am    young   enough    yet    to    strive 

For  pleasures    of    the  mind,    the   heart   and    the   flesh 

The  hope   for  better   times   are   not    yet   deeul. 

The   fear  in  my  heart  I    tuck   away   with   care 

I    challenge    the  unknown    "Might** 

To    pull   different   strings   behind    the   scenes 

To   blow   away    the    fear   of  heart 

To  make    the    smiles   blossom   in    the   world   of    to-morrow 

And    to   drown    forever    ••       "Sorrow" 


(M«iandel,    you    see   I   wrote    this    two   days   after  war  broke    out.) 


'^'//.;-s^' 


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November  17,  1975 


Mariamdel » 


rinally    today   I    can    vrl te   why    you   had   no   news. 

For   over    five    weeks    I   had    teats    for  intense   belly   aches ! 

Gynaecolog^ist ,    orthopaedist,    internist   -    a   private   doctor, 

a   hospital    doctor,    rectoscope   injections    in    the   belly, 

private   doctor    and    last      week   hospital. (10   days) 

A^ain    three    times    rectoscope,    Xrays ,    ^ynaecolon^st 

and    treatment* 

Today    they    said   -    except    for    the   last    test   -    everything 

is   OK.    Tlie   back  is    entirely   displaced   and    it    seems,    that 

I   had    a   rupture   at    the    3th   lumbar,    which    slipped   over   to 

the   4th.       BUT*   all    this   is   no    reason    for   these   pains. 

(I   live   on    pills) 

Now  I    belike,    I    can    go   home    on    Fi-iday.    The   doctor   says, 

that   when    he   kno%rs,    that   it    is   nothing   "Different,"    he 

can    give   me    painkillers. 

Yehuda   cooks    (in    rage)    I    don t   know   what    to    say. 
« 

Mariamdel,    I   got    your   last   letter   for    the    3rd   grandchild. 
TTie   baby    looks    like    Edna's    father,    drinks,    sleeps    and   is 
healthy.    I    was    there    Saturday    the   whole   day.(l    had   vacation 
from    the   Hospital)    They    spoHled  me    and   it   was   very   nice* 
And   now   comes    Chanukkah I    I    like    to    retire. 
With   work   —    pains,    husband,    children    and   grandchildren 
violin    -    friends.    As   long   as    I    still   have    some   healthy 
days,    I    like    to   be    free. 


•  I 


r 


Your    last    letters    I    can    only    answer   at    home. 

Hopefully    there    is    something    against    these    intolerable 

pauins.    Naturally,    I    am    glad    that    probably,     there    is    no 

need    for    an    operation, 

Mariandel    -    Jonny    had    been    in    Greece    and    is    now    in 

Rome    -    later   in    Paris    (friends)    Frankf^jrt    (Uri) 

Amsterdam    (relatives)    London    -    the   US. 

Already    now   I    am    longing    for    hira,    but    I    am    also    happy 

for   him. 

Much  love  and  soon  I  will  type  answers  to 
your  letters  again. 


Vera 


-  1  -   "- 


«    ■ »  mm,  mttmimmi^ 


1 

I 

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firsrt  to*d    f»»*ri  yjo 


expeaiieur-t  -fcoef  rVHwri 


MM     VtK>   PETtR 


name 


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lun 


cocie 


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Til*  iwrn  2nyr.  't*  '»iyri  rf7  rfwp'fi  "qt  ro  omtw  my« 

a/"  aercr^wirne  cnrn^mng  »rtv  ©nooso/^e  will  be  s«?Ml.aR  a*rrrw»*i 


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SeCOOG   fOKU    'li;  Vdp 


aerogramme 
■par  avion 


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/ 


USA- 


1976 


Mv   beloved    Mariandel, 


Did    I    write    you    the    28th? 

I    do    not    know    emyoiore.    But    that    I    have    fine   mail    from 

VOU,       I      i<^OW. 

I    am    hnrdly    better,    ^"^ever    -    pills    -    fever    -    pills. 
Your    postal    cards    ^re    enchantin^ly    beau ti ful .Marianiel . 
n2__not    reserve    any    time    for  me.    I    dont    know   where    I 
will    be    -    I    f    I    want    to    see    you    a^ain    -    because    ^    am 
very    tired    of    people    mcl.     you    -    Yehuda    -    Hanna 

and    so    on. 

I  have  good  help  at  home  thanks  ^od. 

What  happened  on  Z^-1    Write.  The  scarf  is  dazzlingly 

beautiful.  How  is  -ntonio?  Yesterday  was  the  day  Muttel 

died.  Good,  she  has  her  peace.  I  envy  her. 

Use  ^-'otthilf  

Jonny    is    in    Los    ^ngeles.     -ell,    my    big    sister. 

A    fat    kiss,    all    wishes 

^ our    *era 

Mazel    tov 


heal th 


Comment^ 


Yours    Vera 


The    25th    is    my    birthday- 
"Muttel"-    my    mother  ,   •  ,  j. 

Use    Gotthilf:    The    daughter   of   Trude   GotthiL.my 
mother's,   cousin    and    close    friend.    It    is    a    ^^mpli- 
cated    story    of    a    comolicated    personality    which 
was    entirely    irrelevant    to    Verale    -    but    I    wanted 
to    "distract"    her. 


mrij  ■ 


I    ■'■       nil  p»n 


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* 


February    13,    1977 
(a    few   days    before    she    died) 


Marlandel    -    in    tie   Hospital! 

Your   idea    was    nice:    reading    in     the    Hospital, 

I    was    particularly    interested    m     the    article    about    Toscanini, 

I    shall    give    it    to    the    younger    couples. 

I    think    often    about    your    cold,     snow    and    ice.    •c^op^fully    you 

can    leave    home    -    school    must    surely    be    closed? 

In     spite    of       "sister    eCiOtionj"    1    wo;jld    like    to    invite    you 

for    Passover    (but    not    the    ticKet    -    God    forbid! ). 

However,    it    does    not    work    out    in    my    apartment,    1    need    the 

small    room    for  myself    1001&.    Frequently    I    lay    down    during    the 

day    and    must    c.iange   my    underwear    and    dresses    2-5    times    and    so    on. 

Hotel    is    too    far    away    and    expensive    and    tne    room    Hilda    amd 

Ernie    had,    is    not    available    now. 

An    interesting   visitor    cane    the    other    day,    who    met    Peter 

Kraft    while    visiting    Sao    Paulo.     He    told    me    much    about    him. 

Interesting.     Both    children    married    Portuguese    women.    I    shall 

write    him.    ^e    seems    to    be    very    interested. 

We    have    a    frightful    day    behind    us.    A   main    waterpipe    broke 

at    night    and    the    apartanent    was    flooded.    I    sceoped    the    water 

for    3"^   hours  I  !     Finally,    when    it    was    somewhat    possible    to    walk 

agajin    {k    pairs    of    shoes    were    dripping   wet-)    the    installator 

arrived    (    about    10:oo)    and    said:  "It    is    only    the    hot    water" 

and    then    --    a^aln    the    apartment    was    flooded. 

Thank   God    "Sarah"     came    and    I    went    calming    down     the    furious 

neighbo*^. Vhon    I    returned    at    13    o'clock    to    the    now   dry 

apartment,    another    installator    arrived    at    1:30,    who    wished 

to    investigate    the    pipe      when    I    became    Hysterical,     since 

agajin    I    had    to    wipe. 


,,«    arrived,    onened    rhe    faucet    -    so    I 
^,    3    someone    else    arrl  .       .  ^^^^^^    ^.^^^ 

--screa-'ned    at    lenuu^* 
tooR    the    car   —'  _    _^   ^^^,    ,,    ,^,..e.    I    was 

with    the    installators 
finished,    ^joyed    mvse 


If 


with    Gall    and    res 


ted    for 


•--hen    1    came 
,H    .    de    too    was    "dea 


^acR.     1     ro.u.d    Yehuda    "water 

on  e    o 
anvmore.    Today 


two    hours.     ^^.^--  ^^^^    Neither    one    of   us    is 


nle     to    cone    with    such    tnings 

nnally    they    ^^^  J  ^^^^    ^,   ,,    .,th   .y    diarrhea, 

the    refri.^erator    m    the 


a    water   bag 
Difficu^l:. 


r    between    tny     I  ec^3 


in    the    Hospital 


Tenderly . 


Vera 


THOUGHTS       FOR      KT       DlARY 


written    two   months 
before    h'^r   death. 


How    changed    the    world    looks 
Now,     that    I    am    ill    - 

How    changed    the    blue    sky,     the    sun    and    the    moon 

I    am    ill,    of    course    without    my    will. 

How    changed    looks    e'.ery thing    if    you    have    no    strength    to    move 

And    here,    I    lie    still 

And    cannot    do    what    waa    always    ione    my    me: 

To    play    arounu    with    the    children's    children 

To    take    them    to    the    Zoo, 

To    hug    therr: 

To    lift    t n em    to    my    heart. 

Now    they    tire    me    and    they    have    little    affection    -    how    can    they? 
With    me    always    tired,    may    be    smelly    with   i.o    r'un ,    no    fun, 
With   no    strengtli    to    sing    to    them    songs    of    love. 

How    changed,    how    sad    is    life 

Of   Gd    -    help    me    to    grow    old    in    my    mind,    not    only    the    body    - 

Oh    Gd    -    help   me    out    of   my    distress. 

Make    me    more    modest,     less    wanting. 

Make    me    dead,     if    you    like    - 

But    dont    let    me    Live    like    tkat. 

How    changed    is    the    world, 
No    worries    for  money, 

'"^o    duties    that    others    could    not    fulfill, 

No    health    to    spring to    do    -    to    play    -    to    laugh    --    to    eat- 
to    walk    --    to    work    and    be    satisfied. 


make 


i  ■  r^   Av  ^^  ^ 


BOX  303 


BURLINGTON    lOAA  5260! 


TUEPHONt  3.9    7i4  7io6      jW    7',4  89/7 

Mari^h  l'2,  1978 


Mrs.  Marianne  Berel,  Fo.M. 

UCP  -  broGklyn  Hehat  i  li  tati-.n  Ccinpus 

lib   Lawrence  Avenue 

Brooklyn,  I.'Y   11230 

Dear  Mrs.  Berel  i 

InTJ'   TtM    r.'?   ^^^^^^^i"^^  ^^  a   ^cpy  <m-   >oui    late   sisi.r*. 
poem.      I    think    it   i^    beautiful. 

Cculo   you   oiant   me  peimicsion    to   use    it  ^ithrr    in  our   news- 
letter or   in  some  of  my  writinns? 

Sincerely, 


I 

I 
I 

I         C£K/jic 

I 

I 
i 
I 


Inc 


Orvilie   H.   Kelly 


EXECUTIVE  DIRECTOR 

ROONEVA    MITIMAMP    JO 


DIRECTORS 

OHvilLtK    KtLLV 

^V*fc♦  T(M«,  Cownl  K)OfXJrr 


DON  AiNTl  w    M  O 


»»  «     «'Chi  ooogmnoju 


JOHfti  W    VICh  IU% 


OB    tOuiJS   CtHMAROT 
10-I0»        ^^t<.Of^'tMt<  or»..\1 


OB    CABLMULiN 

OONNAPECttCR.B  N 

So«l^e4^»ef  n  Cftmmwn.i,  Coiif^* 

OR    HAHRV  PSCCOH 
0'fti.lo*    Ouif««ir.  M.n.tir.et 


tH4    MANOA  KtLLY 


HONORARY 
DIRECTORS 

TMt   MOSOHABLt  MOafcBT  O    RAY 


OR    NORMAN  VINCENT  l>EALf 
P4«lrling.  H    V 


MILLIAMS    CHAY 

N«i>Qn4 •€<•»(«/  in>i,iuir 

N«i<on4i  in%i.iuir%oi  Me«im 

»»l*l>l.<  M»Allh  S^,  ce 


OH    iOnH  HOAK    M  O 

C  •»■€•    [>rt>«rlrr,rni  i>i  HcmAlolOfly. 

On<oiog» 

Un.v»f  %.ly  01  tcm«  M(np,i4i| 

'<w»AC.ir   "o** 

OH    ttlSA«tTMKU«LER  RO»t.M0 
riowrnoo*.  Ill 


fr^ 


OiVIUI  f     Kllit 
FOUNOm 


f       W  3lt  S    6ih 

•  •uriingion.  lowo  S260I 

%  319   7S4.M77 


bu  t    yet    - 


^d    yet    -    how    fateful    should    I    -eel    To         u 

Healthv    children       hu.h      h  '    '^^"'^    ^'^ 

:Liclren.    husband,    friends,    but    vet 

How    chan^_?ed    looks    the    brooir       T  -. 

DrooiL,    I    cannot    sweep, 
How    changed     the    needle.    I    cannot    sew    . 
How    cha..e.    the    .a.den    .    no    st.en.^.h    to    tend. 
-wch,:.^ed    the    cu.ta.n  .     Ic.^not    wash, 
-ow    chan,^ed     the    na^ls    wxthout    .an.cure 
-ow    chan^^ed    the    book,     1    cannot    r.ad 


FLEETING 


MOMENT 


Only    RLAlin 
Only    worry    --. 

^nly   hope    

Oh    Gd .  .  .  . 


— --    the    pain, 
-     the    dirt, 

for    change    - 
. .HELP    ME. 


R 


M    B    E    R     . 


THE 


FUCHSIA 


While    we    lived    i 


n    Berlin    durlni^    the    first 


my    father    brought    my   mother    for 
particularly   nice    Fuchsia    pi 


war(lQ17) 


a    special    dav 


plan  t 


T>i 


ere    were    !::ajny    pretty    red    bells    t 


delight 


o    my    paren  t ' s 


I 


The 


n 


ext   morning    Verale 


bedroom     ind    said 


appeared    in    my    parent's 


r. 


^uck    mal"(look    here) 


and    she 


had    picked    all    the    bl 


ossoms    in t 


o    her    acron 


yet    times 


My    parents    were    anusevi 

that    the    destruction    of    a    litt 


were    so    upsetti 


n^ 


le    enjoyment    was 


di  s  tressi 


ns 


HANSEL      AND      GRETEL 


VrTien    I    was    four 


,    my   mother    prepared   me    with 


great 


care  to  go    to  the  opera  to  see  "Hansel  and  Gretel 


She  had  plaved  th 


e  music  many  times  and  we  had  b 


een 


smgingsome    of    the    themes    and    knew    the 


s  torv 


Thus,    ready    to    go    with   me 


Verale    cried 


out  she  wants 


to  go  also.  My  mother,  however  reluctant  to  t 


ake  a 


two  year  old 


cons  en  ted 


erale  sat  transfixed  and  watched 


But 


when     the    witch    appeared    wi 


:h    an    electric   bulb    fo 


a   nose,    going    on    and   off,    she    screamed    with    fear 
"I    did    not    want    to    go    !       I    did 


not    want    to 


^o 


f     It 


\ 


I 

I 

I 
I 

I 


D  ©  r 


Strietzel   (ClVd^LAH) 


In  l'U7  my  father  was  obliged  to  move  t 


to  Berlin,  where  h 


enporarel y 


rented    a    fumisiied    apartn 


for   U5    and   my    mother   hi 


en  t 


help   her    with    the 


ed    a    woman,  "Frau    '•en^en,''     ti 


household.     Pood    was    scarce,     which 


compelled    -ny    .-nother    to    go    to    the    market 


at    ^    o'clock    m    the    morn 


>equen  tly 


^ng    to    stand    in    line    for 


some    goat    meat.     Often    she    returned    di 


everything   had    bee 


n    sold    out    bef 


It    was   mostly    uncle    Ise(Wa    Kraft 


sappointed    when 


ore    It    was    her    turn 


us    with    black   market    f 


'ather,    who    supplied 


ood )  who  kept  us  ali 


ve 


Since    I    was    blessed    with    a    low   metabolisnil    di 
.1    lot    of    food    for    my    well    being.     How 
different    for    Veral e ,    who    graduall 


d    not    need 


er,     it    was 


of   misery 


Moreover,     sh 


y    looked    a    pictur 


e 


e    wetted    her    bed    and 


absence    of   my    mother,    was    be  iten    by    ^ ra 
My   mother    called    a    doctor,    but    I    d 


in    the 


u    Wengen 


le    was    successful 


.n    any    case    w 


o    nor    remember   if 


e    were    aJl    scared    of 


rau       engen:    my   mother,    since    she    could   not 


else,    Verale    afraid    of 
everything    and    everyone 
Wlien    we    returned    to    Breslau 
a    doctor    suggested    that    Veral 
meals ,     such 

Verale    to 


being   hit,    ai;d    I    afr 


get    anyone 
aid    of 


about    a    year    later (Nov. 191S ) 


as    a    2.breaJcf 


ist 


e    be 
I>iu 


fTiven    meals    between 


ex- 


eat   and    she    developed    the    hibit    of 


erybody    encojra^ed 


than    she    needed    perhaps    because    she    iiked 


eating   more 


One    day    an    en 


ormous    Strietzel    wi 


e    located 


and    somehow    could    not    b 

the    car?    or    packed    m    a    suite 

all    over. 

Thus ,    i 


s    baked    f 


:o   make   us    laugh 
or    the    weekend 


as 


t    placed    i 


n 


ase?     -^he    maids    looked 


,    m    a    joke    one    of    the    maids    approached    Veral 


suggesting    she    had    eaten 


bl.imed    for    all    kind 


it    all.    Verale,     fr 


timid    voice  :  ''Yes 


I    -^ 


3    of  mischief,    admi 
did.  •• 


equen  tly 


tted    i 


n    a 


THE 


TEMPLE 


My    parents    were    not    religious,    but    the    high    holidays 

were    kept    to    some    degree    and    they    went    ro    the    temple. 

One    day    when    my    parents    considered    to    take    me    along, 

Verale    wanted    to    go    as    well. 

Ober.joyed    with    this    pro    pect,     she    then    -\sked: 

"VHich    book    can    I    take    along?" 

Great    was    her   disappointment    when    my    mother    tried 

to    explain    what    one    does    in    the    temple. 


(They    should    have    given    her    a    bible,    but    I    do    not 
think    they    had    one. ) 


I 


I 
I 
i 

I 
I 

I 
I 
I 


THE 


5  H  A  M  POO 


Verale  expressed  her  unnappiness  about  her  ugly 
hair  majiy  times,  wni  ch  broug-ht  my  mother  to  the 
point  of  askJ.n(^  me  what  I  do  w3  th  my  hair  ajid 
why  it  looked  so  different  from  Verale' s, 
Proudly  I  gave  a  description  of  how  I  wash  my 
hair  and  my  mother  pointed  out  to  Verale  that  I 
washed  it  twice. 

Now  she    knew,  but  she  was  not  ready  to  do  it 
my  way  -  it  was  against  her  priJe  to  do 
what  1  did. 


PRESENTS 


Birthdays,     as    well    as    Chris tmams,    were    considered 
important    milestones    in    our    lives.    There    were    flowers, 
caices  ,    dinners,    and    friends    and,    of    course,    presents. 
We    were    given    pocketmoney    every    Sunday    with    which    we 
could    do    what    we    wished, 

it    was    not    very    much,    however,    I    manared    to    save    a 
little       or    do    something    to    get    my    presents    ready. 

Verale    thought    of   it    perhaps,    but    did    not    do    anything 

about    it.    '^o    when    Christmas    came    -    or    a    birthday,    she 

seemed    suprised    that    it    was    already    "  tomorrow. '^ 

Frequently    she    was    prevented    from    readying    her   presents 

by    sickness    or    a    cold    day    or   a    trip    we    had    to    take 

at    the     last    minute    -- 

and    then       she    cried.    My    mother    felt    sorry    —    but 


I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 


THE 


CHROME 


BOX 


M    Y 


MOTHER 


V    A    C    A    T    I 


We    both    were    very    fond    of    chocolates,    and 
frequently   my    parent's    friends    -is    well    as    relatives 
brought    us    a    box    with    sometnin^. 


fh 


us    my    CTother    supplied    each    one    of    us    with    a    pretty 


me  ta 


box  in  which  we  were  supposed  t 


o  keep  our 


chocolates 


However,  Verale's  box  was  always  empty  since  shi 
ate  it  all  at  once  -  while  1  had  chocolates  for 


m 


any  weeks.  I  cleaned  and  shined  my  box,  makinr:  small 


I 


My  motAher  knew  how  much  we  would  miss  her  when 
she  went  away,  ao  she  had  the  in^renious  idea  to 


give 


each  one  of  us  a  box  with  individually 


wrapped  presents  -  one  for  each  day  she  wnuld  be 


awav 


She  thought  that  this  would  g:ive  us  somi 


consolcition  for  her  absence. 

^^owever,  she  hardly  had  the  door  closed,  when 

^erale  opened  all  presents  at  once. 

But  then  she  was  sorry  she  did  it,  when  she 

obser^/ed  me  unpacking  every  dav  mother  nresent 


layers  of  it  --  but  Verale  did  not  seem  to  care 


THE 


H   U    3    B    E    R 


BUBBLE 


Of    particular    interest    to    all    of   us,    but    esDecially 

for    Verale    vri  th    her    behoved    friend    '^licel,    was    a 

snail     rubber    piece    which,     when    placed    on    a    faucet 

would    blow    UD    like    a    balloon. 

Squeezed    between     two    fin^-ers     they    woul  1    run     to     the 

front     terrace    intending    to    suprise    passing    pedestrians. 

Great    was       their    glee    when    they    saw    so    eone    with    a 

pretty    hat     to    provide    a   moving    tar/-et    to    shoot    at 

with    a    stream    of   water. 

Sometimes    they    succeeded,    which    angered   my    father 

since    he    was    obliged    to    pay    for    other    -eonle's    hats. 


I    do    not    remember    how    it    ended 


"D 


ELECTRI5CHE 


In    front    of   our   house    in    Breslau    passed    the 
electric    tramway    (die    ^1 ec tri sche ) . 
I    dont    Icnow    who    ^ave    Verale    the    idea    to    throw 
pebbles    at    its    windows    -    but    one    day    she    succeeded 
only    too    well. 


Scared    with    the    uproar    she    had    achieved,     she 
ran    home    for    "safety." 

To    her   great    suprise   my    father    confronted    her    with 
tne    knowledge    of    what    she    had    done    while    infonr.in^ 
her    oi     the    enormous    price    he    would    Lave    to    pay    for 
the    window    she    had    hit. 
(She    never   did    it    a^ain.) 


THE 


CLOSET 


Each    one    o 


f   us    had    a    large    wnite    lacquered    closet 


where    cat  clothes    aj:d    and  e 


T^wcw    were    kept,    but    there 


was    a^so    enou/x-i    room 


for    whatever    we    wisiied     to    put 


o    one    w?s    sup^ 


osed    t 


-^     see 


to    it    t n a t    order    was    k o p t 


s  X  n  c  e 


jiy    Ji  o 


;her's    Daasion    was     to    make    us    mdependen 


The    sight    of    Veral 


e     3    Close 


t    w  IS    'onaescrxbabl  e 


At  one  time  sne  m 


ailed  me  a  photo  taken  from  a 


closet  belonging  to  one  of  her  Yemenites  -  that  was 


the  way  ae 


r  closet  looked 


I     am    sure    she    su 


ffered    -    it    smelled    of   urine,     the 

dowrj  ,     everything    seemed     to       be 


shelves    were    faJ^ling 

Just    thrown    in    -- 

But    apparently    she    did    not    know    ar)  y    better 


THE 


TREE 


Verile    1 
Ve    had    s 


oved    to    climb    high 


u 


P  in  tree; 


^me  in  our  garden  m  Bresi 


was  a  cherr; 
hous  e . 


tree  m  Zobt 


au  but  her  deligh 


en.  where  we  had  our  weekend 


On 


e  evening,  while  we  had  company  in  the  gard 


climbed  the  tr( 


en 


e  quietly  and  th 


en 


lignted  some  powerful 


I  scaring  ever* 


she 
on9» 


red  mat 


ones 


that  th 


e  tree  were  in  flam 


f  giving  the  impress! 


on 


es 


She    chuckled 


fith    pleasure    ,and    exci  t 


agitation    she    caused 


enent    about    the 


amo 


ng    the    adu: ts 


I 
I 


I 


u 


WEDDING 


READING 


Verale    w 


as  a  passionate  reader 


At  the  time  that  we  were  supoosed  to  be  sleeping 


she 


supplied    herself   with    a    flashligr. t    and    read 


hours    with    it      under   her   blanket 


read 


However,    during    the    day    when    sheTCmd    r»ad,    she    did 
not    think    of    tajcing    the    book    with    her    to    the    batnroom 
but    read    on    holding:    her    hand    against    her    genitals 
to    hold    the    urine    in    until 


well 


until  It  wab  usually  a  bi t  too  late 


VeraJe  came  to  Paris  for  my  wedding.  Loaded  with  a 
suitcase  full  of  presents,  she  tried  her  best  to 
make  it  as  festive  as  possible. 
However,  she  was  also  taken  aback  with  the  poverty 


n 


wnich    WQ    were    obliged    to    live.    There    was    not    a       single 
present    I    would    remember    today    and    I    dont    tKink    there 
was    any    present    which    could    possibly    have   made    me    hapny. 

Verale    looked    at    all    these    pretty    things    with    satisfaction 
which   had    be<?n    so    carefully    selected    for   me    --    but    she 
was    at    a    loss    to    c    nsole    me. 

Apparently    she    felt    excited    to    be    with    me    in    Paris 
enjoying    the    occasion    and    the    delicious    food    in    a    nice 
French    restaurant    with   my    husband's    business    friends. 
Then    she    left. 

My    sadness    about    gettmf^   married    s  le    could    not    possibly 
understand;    neitner    did    I    grasp    it    at    the    time. 

Today    I    know,    and,    wnile    thinking    about    these    times 
even    now,    I    feel    the    same    profound    disappointment 
about    that    marriage,    which   was    mixed    with    overwhelming 


ajixi  e 


ties    about    tne    future 


THE 


NUT 


CAKE 


As    you    may    icnow   Verale    was    very    Droud    of   her   cooking 
and    bakAng,    Thus,    one    day,    when    I    came    home    from    Paris 
to    Breslau    we    wsmted    to    give    a    party    just    like    it  * 

used    to    be • 

Living    in    rather    impoverished    conditions    in    Paris, 
Breslau    had    forvthe    flavor   of    "wealth"    in    spite    of    the 
Nazi    era.    To    give   me    a    good    time    Verale    planned      it    all 
with    great      love    and    anticipation    in    all    its    details. 
Ma-king    a   nut    cake    presented    "the    crown"    of   her    contri- 
bution . 

It    was    summer    -    in    Germany    nuts    ripen    in    the    fall    - 
refrigeration    was    unknown    in    those    days.    Consequently, 
it    must    have    been    difficult    for    her    to    even    find    the 
nuts    she    needed    -    but    she    succeeded. 

^owever,    she    did    not    realize    that    nuts    which    had    been 
picked    m    the    previous    fall    had    the    tendency    to    be    bitter 

The    people    came    -    former    friends    and    flirts,     all    dressed 

up    in    bow    ties,    '/hen    she    cut    the    cake    and    was    the    first 

one    to    taste    it,    sn.e    cried    out: 

'*DCNT   TOUCH    IT    •    IT    IS    BITTER" 

and    her    face    showed    profound    disappointment. 

I    felt    very    sorry,    but    assured    her,     that    a    nice    party 

does    not    have    to    have    a   nut    cake. 

I    dont    think    she    believed   me. 


^  -■- 


VERALE'     S 


WEDDING 


In    March    1938    Verale' s    wedding   began    the    evening   before    in 
Dr.    Berenblum's    house.    My    parents    were    there,    Walter    cind    I 
had    arrived,    when    hanvlsonie    Ernie    appeared    on    the    scene 
in    a    taxi.    Verale    seemed    "startled"    which    "alter   immediately 
noticed,    exclaiming:    ?It    is    not    too    late    changing    your 
mind.     Vera    ---"    She    blushed    and    kept    silent. 
Wh_ile    getting    ready    to    sleep    I    was    not    sure   whether    or 
not    I    should    give    her    some    advice.    She    felt    this    and    in 
no    uncertain    terms       told   me,     that    she    was    fed    up    and 
does    not    want    "to    fool    around    anymore"    uDon    which    I    pre- 
dicted   a    baby    in    9    months    time, 
^avid    arrived    punctually    in    Q^^®*"^*^' 

Verale  married  in  black  velvet,  something  we  discussed 
years  after  her  divorce,  while  I  reminded  her,  that  I 
got  married  in  dark  brown,  obviously  neither  one  of  us 
anticipated    "naradise"    in    o':r   marriage. 

IXxring    the    ceremony    I    felt    rather    "guilty'*    not    to    wear 
any    gloves.    Someone    seemed    to    watch    me    and    handed    me 
one    of   her    w^ite    gloves,    which    I    accented    with    delight, 
^his    was    H.innah    -- 

The    big   dinner    which    followed    in    London    at    i5ownside 
Crescent    overwhelmed    aie .    I    loved    it    a-1 1 ,    but    I    spoke 
no    ^nglish    and    did    not    know    anypne,    which    confused    me. 
Here   I    came    from    a    furnished    room    in    Paris,    and   now 
here    for   Verale    everything    looked    so    lavishly    rich, 
•^   woman    apDroached   me,    placed    her   hand   under  my    chin 
and    said:  "You    will    sit    next    to   me,    you    are    home   here.'* 
This    was    Granny. 
She   kept   me    in    London    for  many    weeks. 


I 
I 
I 


i 


I 

I 


S    A    F    E    D 


When    I    came    to    Israel    for    the    first    time. I    believe 
it    was    in    1952    Verale    lived    in    a    nice    apartment    with 
a    terrace. 

David    was    in    a    kibbutz.    a.>d    '^i  thx  e ,    rather    shy    »n*d 
perhaps    "afraid-    of   me.     wlaked    about    wrapped    in    a 
aiuge    blanket    and    even    tried    to    eat    that    —    when 
Walter   put    a    stop    to    that, 

rriendly    and    affectionate    was    handsome    Jonny   with 
whom    I    haa    great    -parties"    in    the    bathroom,     ^hen    I 
presented      Jonny    clean    and    combed    to    Verale    she 
just    said:"this    is'nt    Jonny." 

Although    I    was    not    an    -'merican    citizen.    I    was    en- 
titles   to    food    coupons    which    Verale    saved    untH     we 
only    had    rice    to    e,.t.     Then    she    entered    the    store 
as    if    she    were    in    paradise. 

When    Veral.    travelled    by    car    for   her   job.    she    took 
this    opportunity    to    snow    aie    a    bit    of    the    land. 
In    fact    over    the    years    ,    e    saw    to    it.     that    I    had 
been    practically    evervwhere. 

At    one    time    we    were    in    Safeu    which    delighted   me. 
While    Verale    had    to    ,,,    someone.    I    walked    by   myself 
through    the    town    aoiniring    the   mercnandise    in    their 
pretty    shops. 


Later      I    told    Verile       about    a    copper    lined 
cerainic    bowl    with    little    black    hearts    aro'xnd 
which    had    t.i.-;en    my    f  oicy.  t 

•e    had    to    leave    early    the    next    :nomin(T,     but    some- 
how   she    u\ajia.c,ed    to    steal     away    from    me    and,     to 
my    suprlse,     presented   me    the    bowl    it    our    deparmre. 
Without   me    she    had    found    the    right    shop    and    the 
bowl    I    had    described. 


The    bowl    stands    here    on     top    of   my    bookcase    and 
^    speak    about    this    memory    each    time    I    use    it. 


i 
I 
I 
I 


FRIENDS    HI    P 


Ve    talked    endlessl 


y    when    we    saw    each    other    and 


I    know    she    talked    a    ^reit    dea. 


with    my   mother 


as 


well      as    with   her   various    girlfriends 


But    one    day    she    canie     to    the    concl 


us ion    that 


"formerly    one    always     tnou^ht    the    other 
able    to    help    -    but   no." 


m a V  be 


I  should   have  told 


her  wnat  I  ':cnow  today,  that 


talking  alone  t 


o  someone   you  tr'ust,  relieves 


one  of  pressure,  and  seems  to  clarif 


y    one  '  3 


thinking,    which    actually      i    3 
one    is    seeking. 


the    help    that 


T   H    F 


KISS 


Except    for  my    mother    I    did 


not    lik 


e    to    kJLss 


anyone.    I    never    even    kj.s.sed    Veral 


e 


As  adults,  often  with  vears  of  3 


er^aration 


between  us 


■e  just  hugged,  but  not  ki 


ssed 


Considering    this    behavior    th 


rou^hout    our    lives 


it    was    therefore    the    more    touching:    when    she 
tenderly    caressed    mv    back 


behind   oie    m    her   littl 


operation • 

i    felt    int 


,    while    st.anding 


e    room    after    her 


enaely,     that    she    would    have    liked    t< 
kiss    rae,    but      as    with    th«   moment    at    the    piano 
I    knew    we    both    would    have    be  ;un    ta    cry    and    it 
would    have    placed    both    of  us    under    tremendous 
emotional    strain. 


I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
t 

I 


When    one   be^Tins    t 


o    weep,     then    one    cannot 


stop    it    anymore 


said    my    99    year    old    "Mutti 


Biy    former    girlfriend's    mother.) 


I 
I 
I 
I 


B    0    I    1.    E   D 


BEEF 


In    those    days    in    Breslau    working   men    U3ually    came    hom 


to    have    their    "Mi  t  ta^^easen  "  (  a    midriay    xe 


al) 


In    our    hoiDfi       tn::s    con  si  a 


ted    of 


souD,    warm    m»jnt.,     ootatoes 


aomf?    rrravy 


jui  cc    wi t 


V, 


vcf^otables,     salad    and    stewed    f  loii  t .    'Grenadine 
Jots    of   water    w  is    oermitted    as    a    drink,     but 


only    af  ter    the    meal. 

To    the    supriso    of    evervone    at    a    relatively    yo'jm^    a/^e    I 
resisted    eatin;^    all    this    in    the    middle    of    the    day. 
Vehuda,     brnu/^nt    up    in     the    same    tradition,    insisted    upon 
these   mcils    in    spite    of    Israel's    climate. 
Thus    in    1972     (a    year    after    their   man-lag-e)    Verale    con- 
fronted   me    in     the    middle    of    August    with    such    a    meal, 


which    I    politely    refused. 

Vith    her    expressive    eves    she    looked    at 


me    exclaammg 


1    am    not    going    to    imagine     that    you    do    not    love    me 


because    you    dont    like    my    mea 


I  ft 


I    laughed    --    but    by    contemplating    this   moment    in 


pers'-ec  ti  ve 


there    were    just    two    different    lifestyles 


wiiich    seem    to    clash    with    my    innibition    to 
beef    during    the    '^ugust.    heat     at    lunchtirae. 


eat    boi I  ed 


I 
I 
I 
I 


HER 


TASTE 


I 


Being   her    sister    VeraQe    alw 


ays    seemed    to    have 


difficulties    with 
the    habit    of   not    s 


my    suggestions,    so    I    got    in  t( 


uggestmg    anything 


However,    when    I    saw    her    th 


e    last    tim 


e    m 


srael 


she    admitted    not    to    have    good    taste  '    an 

to    arrange    her    apartment. 

On    a    wired   hanger    she    got    fro 


d    asked    how 


m    the    cleaners    she 


had    all    her  necklaces    h£ini. 


ns    on  tne  wall 


^o  as 


the  first  item  I 


suggested  to  put  her 


jewelry  some- 


where else  and  sur*?l 


not  hanging  on  the  wall 


This  suprised  her  to  no  end,  which  I  thought  rather 


amusing  since  it  was  such  obvious  bad  tast 


e 


I 
I 
I 
I 
I 

I 
I 


R   U    T   H    I    E 


YEHUDA 


Verale    told   me:  • 

that    when    Ruthie    w.is    assi^.  ed    to 
march    in    an    officiel    parade,     she    took    i-    "in    a    stride." 
But    then,     when    it    actually    happened    and    she    saw 
Ruthie    in    her    Israeli    'oniform,    she    was    overcome 
with    emotion,     pushed    herself    throuf^h    the    crowd    and 
VI  tn    all    her    strength    called    out:     '    RUTHIE    !" 

How   well    I    understood    tnis    - 

For    as,    wno    experienced    the    Nazi     time    it    was    a 

feeling    bey  .nd    measure. 

Her    own    child    in    Israel    marching    for    an    Israeli 

parade    filled    her    not    only    with    axi    immense    pride 

but    aulso    with    an    undescribabl  e    victory    over    all 

t>iOfle    hurdles    she    had    to    overcome, 

.\nd.    sc' ,     by    seeing    Ruthie,     young,     healthy    and    pretty, 

this    glorious    moment    of    perfect    happiness    returned 

her    belief    in    "Justice"    amd    the    satisfaction    of 

havin<J    done    her    share. 


Verale  was  happy  when  she  met  Yehuda  and  still  happier 
when  she  married  hxm.  But  tiien  things  seemed  to  go  the 
wrong   way. 

She    loved    the    apartment    "alter    had    provided    for    her    and 
she    could    not    share     the    enthiisi.ism    Yehuda    exrressed    con- 
stantly   about    his    own    place. 

r>very    time    I    saw    her    (which    was    not    too    often)     she    spoke 
of    little     things    Yehuda    had    said,     which    embittered    her, 
I    do    not    remember    the    details,    but    I    do    remember   her 
sharp    answers     to    him    she    repeat':?d    to    me. 
And    so    she    got    sick. 

Verale    seemed    happy    when    I    came    to    see    her    for    Passover    - 
I    believe    it    was    1976    -    :\nd    she    expressed    her    appreciation 
agaan    and    again.     It    was     ifter    her    big    operation     \nd    she 
looked    almost    like    m'>    giandino  ther    ■^chiff. 

On   my    arrival     there    was    not    mucn     to    eat    in     the    kitchen    so 
I    proposed    to    go    and    buy    a    few    things,    but    since    ^    only    had 
dollars,     I    asK.ed    for    some    money.  * 

Yehuda,    who    was    standing    next    to    me,    immediately    put    his 
hand    in    the    pocket    to    g^ve   me    some   money. 

Suddenly    Verale    jumped    up    and    screamed :  "Don t    take    an>''  ,  ** 

money    from    him    --    I      give    it     to    you," 

^en    Yehuda    silently    left    the    room,    she    cried:"    I    HATE    HTM    - 
I    ?iATE   HIM    and    I    am    convinced    I    never    would    have    gotten    sick 
if   I    did    not   marry    aim    ,.    my    whole    body    is    destroyed." 
And   bitterly    she    wept. 

But    then    i  t    was    Passover    and    she    was    looking    for^ward    to    a 
nice    party    -with    all    her    children    and    "children's    children" 
as    sne    called    her   grandcni  Idren .     ^he    wanted    to    look    at    her 
best       and    enjoy    the    love    she    would    receive.    It    was    a    real    nice 
party,    we    were    16    and    she    at    her    shinging    best. 


I 


I 
I 
I 
I 
I 

I 
I 

I 
I 


HER 


CHILDRE*; 


The    la^t    t.me    I    aaw    Verale    m    Liechtenstein. 
It    was    on    a    Sunday,     1    be.ieve    ,^d  .     according    to 
forrr.er    tradition,     we    manicured    our 
s  run  e    time. 


hands    at    the 


We    both    knew    th  it    it    w  ■» .»    r^^^u    ^- 1 

..ai:    It    w,>.s    probably     the    last    ri  rual 

we    had    to^etner,     when    she    said- 

•'I    dont    know    .f    I    ^ave    been    of    any    use    in    mv    ^ife 

but    I    know    I    have    brought    up    three    wonderful    .eople 

and    1    .in    proud    of    each    one." 

■..^en    I    agreed    wx  th    her,    ,he    lashed    out    accusing 

me    of   K^nowxn^    nothing    ^bout    such    -eelings.     s^nco 

I    never   had    any    chi'aren,    and    led    a    selfxsh    1-e 


(perhaps ) 


^>    1 


T     r 


LUG    T! 


(SHE    LIES) 


••She    l.es:..    Verale    used    to    shout    over    our   dinxn^    roo. 
table,     thus    accusing   me    when    I    told    soneth^nc. 
NO    Verale,    I    did    not    lie. 

Only    you    did    not    know    it    that    fimo    /        4 

iw    tnat    time    (and   neither    did    I) 

that    everyone    of   us    experiences    things    .n    di-erent    w.vs 

^en    now,     as    1    come     to     the    end    of    this    collection    I 

feel     that    you    may    think    that    I    am    lym.j    a^am. 

But    Ver.ile,     althou/;h    vou    do    not    exist    w-i  rh 

iiyt    exist    with    us    Tjr.-more 

as    a    human    bem^,     vou    con^irij<»    tr^    k« 

?s,     .     u    wjn.inue    to    be    among:    all    of   us 

who    knew    and    loved    you. 

In    the    belief    that    mv    "  r«ve^  a  t  i  on  <,  -     .^ 

X  -venations       of    vour    life    will 

be    of   interest     to    your    children    an.l    your   child-en's 
cnildren.    I    tool,    the    t.n,e    and    made    the    effort    to    nut 
all     this    together. 

I    mav    not    have    conveyed    it    -your    way"    but    .     tried    to 
present    it     the    w-v    1    remember    it. 
"''^ill     you    forgive    me? 

"Yes    -    No''" 
"Yes    -    No"    1,    a    g^e    that    we    played    .s    little    children 
before    f.Ulin^    asleep,      Occasional y ,    but    rather    soldo., 
one    of   us    would    a<jree    and    say    san,e     >s     the    other 


and    so    it    is;     "Ves .v„ 


t  'I 


And    now    your  imimmy  '  s    sister:    .M    ^    p   j    ^    ^,    .. 


^■hxle    I    have    been    ur^ed     to    give    an    acco-o^t    of 
n-y    own    l.re,    I    .refor    for    cne    moment    to    ,.:..iy 
attach    a    sumnary    of   my    professional    activities 


T  I  T  :    r 


•  01310    •'•he  ram  St 

Learning    Disability    Specialist 


■LJL,^-    C    A    T    I    0    N 


1973      -d.M. 


-1-^66       M.A. 


^962      B.A. 


1961 


•^3ic    Education       ^n^^v, 

^^wxon,     -eacners    ^oiil*.**'^ 

Coiujnbia    'Jniversity 
Special    Education 

Neurologicallv    Imoaired       r^ 

paired,    Teacners    College 

Columbia    university 

Special    Education 

^ien  tal  1  y     i<e  r -:.  rv4o^4        T 

y       e carded,    Teachers    ^olle^e 

Columbia    '-niversitv 

Admitted    as    an    iinder^raduatA    ,^    . 
at  T.acners    "olleg-e       rli       u         ,^-^^'^'"t: 
wi  rh    ^o  '-'i-'-effe,    Columbia    Univer^i  m/ 

wi tn    69    credits    for    1 i r^    ^  university 

xor    iiie    exnerienre 


P   V    B    L    I    C    A    T    I    0    N    S 


"Songs    of   Familiar    and    not    so    Ffuuiliar    Melodies 

for   Young   Mothers    and    Teachers." 

edited    by    I  aurence    Xaylor,    Ph.D. 

United    Cerebral     Palsy    of    NYC,     Inc.     October    1981. 

Dook    Review:    Jl  .     of    >tusi  c    Therapy,    vol.     XIX,      -'^ , 
winter    19^2,     p. 233,    by    Yvette    Herzog. 

"Teachi.vg   Mathematics    to    a    Mul  tihandi  capped    Girl, 
A    Case    ^tudy,"    International    Jj. 
Pesearch,    vol.T^j    1978. 


of    -'•ehabi  1  i  tati  on 


"Teaching  Mathematics  to  a  Mul ti handi capped  Boy, 
A  Case  otudy."  The  British  Society  for  the  ^tuav 
of    Mental    -^bno  r-nal  1  t  v  ,     vol  .  22  .     Dart    2.     -42       lQ7t^ 

Reprinted    in    the      VisuaJ.ly    HandicappecJ ,    -^12, 
Schindcle    V'erlag,    1976. 

Reprinted    by    A^^I^T    (Ass.     for    Educational     ^echno^o^-) 
vol.    2,    ^2,    1977.  ^ 

"Music    as    a    Facilitator    for    Visual    Motor    Sequencing 
Tasks    in    ^hlldren    with    Cerebral    Palsy," 
(Together   with    Dr.    Leonard    Diller    &    Marilyn    Orgel . ) 
Developnien  tal    Medicine    &.    Child    Neuro  :  o  "•/  . 
vol.     12  ,    »3,    June    1>>71  .         ~~"  ~~       * 

Compiled    a    Bibliography    on    Music    Therapv    geared 

towards     the    Handicapped    ""hild. 

United    Cerebral    Palsy    Ass,     of    N  .  Y.  S  tate  ,  Inc  .     I969. 


1975 


^ 


1976 


1979 


19^^o 


1982 


Listed    in    the    Intemotional    ^7:0  '  3    '*ho 

In    ^^aslc    'c    M\isicians    Jirectorv 

■ 

International    3iogra-hical    Center, 
Cambridf^e,     t-ngland. 


Video- Tape : 


i   e 


m    a    cl 


1  V 


r*  '^ed 


V_  V,    ,      •        i    ^ 


V ,  -  *  ■^  ^^'  n   , 

I  *  ^  -^    '4    -If  fi !  * 

Video;     uon    Brockway 

Video-Tape : 

The  Application  of  a  Color  3equ«?nce  to 

teach  Mathenatics  to  a  ^tul  tihandi  c  arped  ""fir 
A  C a s e  S  tu d v\  Video :  ^on  Brockwa y 

I 

Received    Certificatt:    of   Merit 

from    the    In  tema  ti  .    Film  1  Peh.ib  .  )    Festival 

Fordliam    University. 


Video-Tape : 

Learning    Through    Association    r'rocessing 

A    Case    Study.  Video:     Don    Brockway 

"Finalist'    at    the    International    Film 
(Rehab)    Festival,    1982. 


1934 


Video- Tapes : 

"The   Use    of   Music    to    Facilitate    Learning" 
"The    Application    of    a    Color    Sequence" 
"Learning    Through    'Association." 
accepted    for    the    Film    Library   by 
REH.vPFIlM    -    ^  division    of    'Rehabilitation 
International    USA. 


P    H    E    3    E    N    T   A    T   I    0    >;    s 
as    a    volunteer    ^czx^/izy  : 


Teichf^r's    Colle/re,     Coliunbi.i    Ln  :  y^r-.  ^  ^  ,.  . 


Dent,  of   Mc'ithernatics 

Dept.  of    ^,-irly    ""hildhood 

Dept.  of    -Speci.il    Education 

Dept.  of    .'iusic    Tlierapy 

Dent.  oT   Audiolog-y 

Dept.  of    i^sycnoiogy 


Coney    Isl.aiid    Hospital:     Psy  cho-^duca  ti  cnai    Center 

Manhatt.ai^ville    Coll.?^^.     lOirchaae,    N.y. 

5th    International    Congress    of    the    In  t  em^  t- s  nr,-.  i      . 


Jer'aaalem,    i97y. 

3rd    International     Conference    fo 
Communication    and    Handican, 
ilel3inki,     f^mland,     l>-)cO 


r    Special    Education    (EASE    8o) 


3th    World    ^onrress    of    Social    rsvchi.-.r^v 

Zagreb,     Yugoslavia,     IQ^l  ""* ^^-^* 

(my    paper    accepted    for    publication    by    the    Plenu.    Press,    London 

XV    IS.VE    InerTj^ot^onal    Music     ^iucnt.nn    -o-^.^r-nce 
Bristol  ,     :-ngland,     19^52 ■  '   ^   "^^ 

3rd    International    Sympo sirnn    in    Musi c , Medi cine    PHn^.^s 

.and.  Therapy    for    the    Han,  n  .  >  o^.^.r L-ll^cin^Education__ 

Ebeltoft,     Denmark    19>i3. 


Included   in      V^VZRSITY      r .ts-  r.rr-j..  . 


versity         .New    York    -ity 


.eachers    -olle^e,     Columbia    Uni 
University    of   Gotheburg,       Sweden 

Liberal    ^rts    C^iie.e.     Dart.n^ton,    ^evon.    E^^land 
Kansas    university,    Kansas,     USA 
Women's    University,    Denton    Texas    USA 
International    Rehabilitation    ^il..,    Library 


k; 


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MINISTERC 
^^DE     L'INTERIEUR 

DIRECTION    GEnERALE 

DC   LA 

SURETE     NATIONALE 


DIRECTION     DE     LA     POLICE 
,  "^        OU     TERHITOIRE 
-  fT     DES     ETRANGE«8 


inilLni.fnr!*^*  i' u  wc  aisi: 


^•    BUREAU 
■  HPUI.SIOM 


LE  m:kist:-u 

.u  .-art.::!,*   7  de   la  1    i   du 


J  .   •  o 


OOtKjii  ;  r«    a    in 


au. 


f  24   iu  d^cret- 


P*r.»i  .    OU    T"  '  •  .      Jy    »■  i  *.-.    '* 

1    eBpirmti-i.   Jt:  s»  ^'--f-    ^-   ««^r«  conduit 

L«    11  np-ii t  :on  tijvaf  t*  ©it  in«-.-r  • 
4u  ii7  «ax   IbBE.   ef.r  re  >  |  ^   >e  1   tlineft  J 

•  Po«irr»  .  » r«^  r<*l^*  tcui  e*  rfti^et  f 
}  .  dana  '■  ■••nrvHll  'lo  dii  •rii .  none 
"•      'Unj  ti  tk  jaarvfi  <*  ns  pr    n   n^^i^os  «n 

i*  :•  :  .  i  'lu  a  u-  ••atr^l'^9  « ..  It  1«»  wrt.; 
leTet-loi  du  -  «iii  lie^B.  »iir  !«  polie«  d» 
I'utaf    It.    7ii«    '.    tun   •/  »oi(it  '!•  e«t  COnda 


J  6"  MA/  taiO 


^  I'utar    It.   7ii«    :    u<.n  •!  »oi(it  'i«  e«f  conna^nsiiona   rch  kui  •^ri*ur«  «  on  An 

Vu   1  'art  tiL-i  :  r-r-^L-loi  du  2  weA.    ia3<B     Dr,lv<>nt 

ies  Jelinquar.is   tiir^noli.     des   oirconstances  att^tuantes  ct 
du  Bursis  ^ 


i 


i«» 


It 

H  i^r^tence  de   1* Stranger  susd^slgn^  I 


^ 


>> 
4 


Corsldera^t] 
«ur  i.e  lerrii'  Tn 
la  sOiret^  pubiiqi  ij 

Sur  la  pre 
y  ^  ARRr.TE    : 

•^^^■'^^^^  f/J'/        Arti^lf*  '•  -  II  est  enj    iri   ale  8U5ri.B«ei?    de  sortlp 

Article  a  —    Le  KrATot'vai  rcctcur  G^ii   rrd   de    In    3urtft6 
Wation-Ale     #«l  cJ<ir>-     d«  i'ex^cutiori  du  presant  arrdl4  . 

L'tJxejL.*  loft '" -vr  .  avoir  lieu,  en  cas  de  tesoln,  a^aa 
au  doBicile  Je   I'a.,  -U        'u  a'i  <j   aioile  da  l:er.-  qui   lui 
donnara 1 1  a.s  i la . 

Ka.-    a  Fariij,   la    a;.  ■  •    <%        19 


/ 


i\\KMS.\\^^ 


\ 


^  A 


^ 


x>* 


Pour  aapliatiori 
Pour    i     Dlrtiteur   ,-     >ral  de  la  t:uret^  rational© 
^^  So--.-:N©f  du  7'  Bureau, 


\ 


Cirtt  Wim.  IT  t^ 


'''•'  V/«<"«<  I 


A^<i»  t<  (•*■*».  t  J 


\^ 


1  ,'.-(1 


amsi 


-/X  ^    /^   /^OiMM^  M    .eicen  no-h   dortnin  wieier  komsen 


•    e 


li»tti© 


4       •  ■  A 


^w?-9:'v.i 


•n   ir:-ie.     :arf    j'V-«   #»irie 


VoTbchriften  zuwi  le:  har.  ie'.  •  .  wlrd 
2u  drei    /a'  :  er.   te&trafl. 


nnhafacolta  di    redtarci  <|^J 
^   ipeciale    iel    Mlnistero  dell 


o 


4 


ai'.re- Jerla . 

lii    jui   soppa,    16   .^ 

\.    tr©   anni    dl   carc< 


trauiiero    sari 
©re . 


/. 


erft  »^'^^L?•alo  de  ir.incia  no  puaio  quedarse  on  esie^JP^s  ni- 
■  :3»o  sin  jn  p©r«i   o  Ispecial  del  iinisterio  del   Interior-, 
.2lo   calificaio   pnra     oicederuo. 


©i." 


1  que   «dr 

El-'extrar.jero  que  r.o   re    tjorfor  ^4  A   la.s  disposiciones   »as  arriba 

i.s   «ese     !i    trea    anoc  de 


"^'  «aru  loiTaila:-    incurnra  -ana  j 'ina     e 


enc^cel  iBiento. 


iipi ■mineiifiir^M 


o 


Cudzozieai'C   wyda.ony    z  Krar.5jl|iie   moze  pozostawac    w    tym   kn^v   anl 
powraCHC  da  niego   b-z    .^pejj  ;     ifO  ijpo^-izni^rua  Mirasterjua  Spr4«- 
fer.r.   '^r-znych,    ktire  jeJynic   n  pr^io  dawac   r,ikove. 

Cudzozlemiec  r.ie   zistorow:'    -y  ill*  f    *'/z:zvi  pole.er.io*  lelzie 
podlegae  Karze  od    -zesciu  «.-•  i«cj  dk^   •  :  zech    .at   wiez:enia 


/^> 


•* . 


r^i  ■ 


,/ 


^1- 


'^: 


referture  des  Alpes  Y.aritimes 

4**   Division 
v.xreau  de    la  Police 


Sauf-Coj 


VaL 


Uiv/1 


?r6: 


,4^: 


\ 


\ 


lUit 


i/ro 
Dom; 


T^iil 


Che  vcux 
^O'        lis 


/ 


'7t4.''<^*'^ 


.V-' 


."  c 


Yeu.: 


est 
cone  qii' 

D^lifJ 


I 


Wftz 

^^y 

Frc 

- 

^^^7 

.i  e  1  r 

^^9^,^ 

r 

du 

vi 

8age    :    ^^^^j^^' 

t 

•  '  part 

iculiers    :" 

i^:5nature  du   titulaire    :    , 

4J  Xl^.^^O'V-.  ■- 


^ 


38K«cs 


^ 

0 


36    rr^r.j  re    >.  n  ^ 


•  •  •  I 


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t       •       • 


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;i' a   faire  uoage  du  pr-^pent    seuf- 
les:   conditions   ci-duseus   indi- 


rJice,    le     -8 


'J41 


Pour   le  Prefet, 


p4*    ire   G4n^r^  pour   la   Poliee, 


,/■ 


•  '^n    pour  la  sprti*    -ie   France, 

.^  i'j'  ^e^ 

KICE.  !• 


;lJ 


I4 


/• 


^UI 


L    1^4  v^^. 


""i*-   ■    ■:-   -^ 

:^  •'  JAM'j^'1 

z:^ 

r^ }  c  ti 

^^ 

^' 

."    -^ 

CO 

■Oil          ^:       ; 

■i.r 

IaDUANA  DE  PORT-fe^' 

Bnfra  hay <f da  .  y^'^ 


\yO0    ^^^HmJ^     (^^'^^f     >   ^K<,va' A^  V  <<^j     //\av»-» 


)S     3t»f*r  ■  Lie  id  onteMore.*  djvi'j  3S    :  !.:  • '.^rrcV; 
ch^n  hocBrv  r-n   iiuxT 


^g-j^  ap:.fia 


^V^ 


.V>' 


'»-«H.4fffrtJ  ltsC9  Ea»A]MlES  *  PI  «Il 


,u^ 


jx.  covsr'  ""  : —  "^A. 


X 


/ 


^^i^.^^ 


V  » 


y o  tL^ 


I 


'-^ 


/^^>W' 


^-•SI^EGCIlli+^^'T: 


comisarIa  r  ' 

PreS'":rtr-^r) 
aar>cif. 


kiii£  43_  de:^  o 


•  '^' 


^J>- 


/  /?  / 


<^^    /  f  ^ 


u^ ^ 


/ 


^  r    /  /  c-^/"^ 


p 


T  !•: 


T    1 


ON   y 


Mariaiino       iJeiol 


I    h.ive    olHoii    sjioken    about    Hi»-    I'ol  lowing;    liiciili-nt    lut    recently 


8onu.M>no    w 


lio    believu.'i    in    r,od 


III 


ystery   iir^icd    me    Lc)      u  L    it    in 


wri  tiii^j 


.Hid    t.cnti    i  L    to    you 


IL    h.ii»p«"necl    on    account    of    an    <ntiroly    casual    ^^cstart?       un     the 


part    of     I    lopci. 


tri 


•(■rrn. 


»    CI  I  tin    (> 


f    a  V 


<  ■  i  1 


u'  ij  c  !i    a«»  t    ojii  y 


avod,     but    entirely     traa.sl'j  r.  .•.•.!    my     i  i  lY- 


The    person    of    this    testimony 


II.  (as    i    sh.-J  1     cal  1     him,  ) 


was    an    -jiu 


ri  cm    bus  inessni.iji    (.t,".e    02)    a    ChristiiUi     ( i  ro  Ct.s  tim  t ) 


w 


ho    haii    !iis    own    tlress    business     m 


N 


ew    ^ork 


City 


When    i    c.uue    to    lwiu>w    liiin    his    b    v:kf^round    st-cLied    a    bit    "s  i.uiy 
Me    hail    been    divorced,    remarri«'.    with    a    s.rj. 


'ori^ovr-r,     !u; 


was    c  lU 


(^h  t    t.dcint;    a    bribe    vviilc    on    juiy    duty,    but    these 


tilings    did    not    upset   me. 

What    disturbed    me    was    sumetiiitui    he    said    whiic    dinin.:      in    a 
restaurant,    arousing   my    .aixicty    that    his    behavior    ton'anl   me 
i/rht    chan^;e,     (wliich    it    did    Sdine    years    l.iirr   -)    \nj    told    me 


that    oveninf; 


about    a    love    aiT.ir    wliich    li.id    come    to    .ui    t}nd 


whc^n    the    ^irl     lied    to    him,     »(?ars    later,    \vhon    a    nrJesi: 


ca 


lied    K.    with    a    requc»st    that    he    visit    tbe    ,';irl  ,    \/lu3    \/iis 


dying    in    a    hospital,    he    rcrusel    to    see    h«r,     al  t  aou  :h    tlto 
priest     toi«J    him    that    this    vv.is    her    last    wxsli. 


"This    IS    all    rubbish,"    ;.*;    excJaimod,     "the    prii-'sts    ^niy 
want    money,"    1    was    a^jhas  t  ,     [)arti  cul  arl  y    so    because    it 
w.is    in    auch    conti'^st     t**    v.li  it    i    had    seen     Iji    IiLmi, 
There    was    much    para«lox    in    his    i)orson.i  1  i  ty ,     l^tt^lor 
generous    to    some    .rnu     ilw  ly.s    rotidy    Vkjv     i    jood     time,    he 
CO  lid    proceed    ru  tlil  cs.s  1  y    towards    others, 
i''or   a   iii.'ui    who    never    went    in    chiurch    except     tu    att<«nd    a 
weddiiij:    or    a    fiiner.iJ  ,    who     loved     to    t^lrink,     ai.udve,     cat 


and    laujh,     the    foilowin, 
sii  |)i'i  sin^;. 


vents    seei;»    to    the    iiivoro 


.\s    a    youn, 


ewLsii    refu^;i.>.'     iroiii    Nazi     ''i.riiUiny    i      lived    with 


my    lius 


beUjd    in    I'.iris 


aid 


met    ii,     wi.il  e 


was 


A    repre- 


SQ 


ntative    for    a   desif;ner    .-.ellin/j    fasaon    bel  t.-D    1 


n 


Hotel     lobby.     It    was     the    Fail    of    l^y)       iid    1     \;  .  .^     living: 
with    falst-'    papi.rs    .ilone     ui    a    tiny    I^iinLshefl    r«jt>m, 
'utterly    cut    olf    from    fiumly    and    fi'ieuds,    i.iy    hush. ail    in    a 


i'V(-'nch    ijiLernmcnt    Ciu/i(3    .aid    rny    fiimiJy     I  i  vln,':    in    l>irrl 


md 


in 


roCiirious    circ  uiis  t.aices 


received    my    mc.    1  s    in    a 


wel  V    le    iM  tclien 


aid    1  ivr  I    with    the    ni,,ht.iiare    of   i.i.ikin/: 


my    rent    payment,     fhe    futaie    was    bi.tcl^. 

Thus,     \/hen    1    i.ie  t    -^t    ho    ctiMe     into    iny    1  i  f «?    Jiico      ui      in/^el, 

^^e    had    ju.-.  t    returned    fro..*    **-ome ,    wucr^r    he    iiad    ..one    out    of 


heer    curiosi  t 


to    «ittei>  i    au    audi  en  CO 


i  th     the    1  oi)o 


Min;;ling    in    a    crowd    of    the    faithful,    h.e,    q-iite    ]>y    chance 


received    a    blessing    froni    the    I'ope 


-    3  - 


Al  thou,';h   he   inacJe    li^^iiL    ul^    hia    own    r<:cJin,:b,    lie    admitted 
to    have    buen    very    Luuch«.il  ,    rmd    ima^jififMl    tliat    fate    had 
chosen    hini     to    do    a   good    dcM,'d    in    consuiinence    of    this 
bi  o.sMin^:,    in    i.ioetin;^:    m<-    in    l'ari3    and     i«?..  rnln.:    of    my 
situation,    ho    s'dcJonly       ccided    (.i^>    -^     later    'c    riioil) 
tliat    it    was    i:jo    wiio    iicoih.-d    hih    /;;ood    dc(?d,     riii:>    w..s    only 

too    true. 

1     .Tiow    to    trust    hi.ni,    h(;    h(»inj    oldei-    arid    liohavinj       like 
a    Tatacr,    .'^ivin/:    a-^jaur  i/i(:<.".s ,     that    lio    v/.is    ,';.)iii,;    ld    lielp 
me    and    w.>ni<.l    brin;;   uio     to     the    US    any     tliiie    I    wjshed. 
Durin,;    the    sliort    periotl    1    Ivnew    hiiii    in    i'aria    tlii.s     trust 
quickly   developed    into    a    lovin.:    kind    of   worship, 

A    fov;   K.ontha    later,    iii     l-a?    Spring'    of    l^^^^t    «ui    oiTicial 
notice    in    all    newspapers    obli(;ed   mo    to    f^o    to    a   detention 
center    in    a    sports    arena    (Velodrome    d' diver)    for   u'hat 
was    described    as    2^*    houi-.s    of    procoi>;-.in^:. 
The    ':h    hours     turned    xnL(j    j    weeks    o  i"    unii:ia^:in;  1)1  e 
hara.ismcnt,     ^hc    place    w  ..-^    an    ^unazin.:    .si;;ht.    8»oO0 
women    cr^u.uiied    to^;ether,    t>loepin^^    on    strawb.'i/;.s    wi  t}i 
dozens    of    rrench    soldiers    watcliiut:    froiii    to\,'ers    in    un- 
endini':    2k    -    houi*    electric     li^;!it,    inadequate    tuilet 
facilities,     .aid    endl(?;.H    hoir-s    of    continuously    dr   nin/r 
loudspe  Jeers    -    it    was    .i    n  i  ^;ii  tiiiare  •     There    were    suicides 
aliMust    every    ni^dit,    not      lo    menti(ui     the    c  instant    rumours 
and    psychological     pro.ssnres.    Finally    we    woi^oyi  lippod    in 
locked    cars    to    the    Sp^mi-sh    frontier    to    the    notorioiis 
Ccu.ip    of   Gurs* 


-    4    - 


If   U,    W(?rc    iletcri.iined    lu    -e  t    me    tv>    the   US    hi-    now    nad 
no    aildross    of  laine,    noi*    could    he    possibly    locate   mo, 
^**oi*eover,    iiuiil    w.i.s    c»^n.soi-eil    .is    well    as    uni'o  1  i  .ibl  e. 
^triUiTe    as    it   may   aoujul  ,    my    confidence    in    tais    luui 
and    in    si>i  te    of    all    odd:>,    my    optimism    xn    a    l)ettor 
future    prevailed, 

On^      diiy,    after    a    fc\/  distressing    \/'*okM    in    'nirs    wo 
wore    told    secretly    that    .->()meone    was    le  win,-;   within    an 
hour   who    would    be    able    t^    smu^.jle    our  inai  1     out    of 
France,    Since   ■*■    Icnew    only    a    little    ^n/^lisli   t    \.roto    a 
note    to    a    tlist.mt    relative    in    *Vnv    torlc    inste.id    of    to 
U,  ,    indicating;    li's    i)iionr    number    .uivl    address,    •ar;;in(j 
him    to    infonn    U,     of   my    \»hereabouts    as    soon    as    i>ossible. 
In    my    childish    notions     -boat    future    possibilities    J- 
added,     tat    1   would    in    .^j  ce    by    *^eptei:d:)er   1     (if    not 
earlier)    .uid    to    please   iiail    me    some    iioney    to    the 
'wnericiJi    i-xpress    there. 

On    June    19    19^0    l-'etain    aliook    ^*i  tier's    h.ind    winch    was 
followed   by    an    anuistice. 

At  this  moment  the  ^-'iptain  of  *-'urs  r)roclair.ie«i ; "  Sauve 
qui  peut!"-  r.ieajiin;:  that  anyone  wisiiinj  to  leave  the 
cam{>,  may  lio  so.  Many  left,  but  died  on  the  roa«i  since 
they  did  not  real  ize  w!iat  it  memt  t  >  w:uHlor  without 
trains,  without  shelter  lU  1  not  cnoujh  money  for  food* 
I  foresiiw  tills  d  n^er  in«l  remained  ii\  tiie  Ciu.ip  until 
trains    wore    schoduLed    a.siin,    which    took    two    months! 


mf0 


-  3  - 


In    t'lo   mcajjtime      1    had    arr  ui^jecl     to    J  e.jvo    \.  i  tU    .i    com- 
panion   wlio    vva3    willing;    Lo    i^ive    mo    some    r.njncy    .since    she 
was    cripp'ed    and    n^odetl    help. 

Thus    in     the    middle    of    "^Uj'.ust    -*-    .irrivo«l    in    '«ico    at     Lhe 
i\jiicric:uj    ^xpreas.    **owcver,     .since    tlic    ^Mnei'icaii    Government 
liad    decided    not    to    alJow    ar)y    money    to    bo    sent    to    Krajice 
in    the    belief    that    tJie    Nazis   wf>uld    confiscate    it,    ^^. 
had    aj^r.in^Ted    tliat    money    bf    mailed    from    'Switzerland    where 
he   had    a    business    Irienci,    "I'tor    some    wieks    of   ^re  1 1 
anxiety    the   money    arrlv<Mi! 

In    order    to    c^t  me    a    visa    to    the    US    H.    obviously    con- 
sulted   a    lawyer    who    Icncw    about    lioosuve J  L '  s    deciision     to 
issue    emergency   visas    undei"    an    or(;.inization    called 
"The    lVosidcnt*s    Advisory    Conunittee." 

Tliese    visab    were    i.ie  ai  t    foi'    [)ro  fession  il  s    such     is    \/riters, 
conductors    or   other    in  tc?  1  1  «;c  tual  s    of    in  Lcniatieiinl     re- 
putation    md    in    d-tn^jer   due     to    the    situation    at    tlie    time. 
SureJ  y    such    a   visa    would    not    be    avail   ibl<?    to    a    person    like 
me,     ^et    R.     succeeded    in    obtaininj    such    a    visa    l^nr   mo    - 
how   -    -*■    d<    not    l\Jiow, 

Perhaps    a   discreet    ^If^     ^'>    •»^>    influential    secretary,    perhaps 
money    ch.ai{^in^   hands    throu^^;!!    a   lawyer   wlio    luie\.'    someone, 
^n  for  tuJM  tely    for   a    lon^j    time   1    did    not   understand 
sufficient    ^n^lish    so    that    -^    could    ask    liLm    dei.iiled 
questi'>ns    about    tliis    e;)isodo. 

The    fact    remains    I    received    a   visa    from    the    'Mnerican 
•^onsulitte    in   *^ice.    That    it    was    illegal    -^    only   Icnew   when 


-    6   - 


the    FDI    vlsitevl   me   in    *'ew    ^ork    to    inves  titrate   my    status 
in    the   US, 
(To    rive    a   description    of    tho   many    details    \/1ilcli    wore 
necor. sary    to    achieve     the    <:<'^1    "^   '"y    arrival     in     tho   US    would 
entail    m;uiy   more    pa^es    and    not    necessarily    enhance    It*  s 
person  1 1  i  ty  .  ) 

WTiat    remains    is    the    ox  t  ra*)  rdinary    rosturo    of    a   m;ai,    who 
must    have    spent    a   ^re.it   d«^al    of    time,    cucrjy    anvl   money 
to    malvC    my    rescue    possible,  t 

1    was    happy    when    1^    Cijue,    althou^jh   ^    suffered    wliat   is 
commonly    called    a    "culture    shock"    frequently    railing    into 
Ijrcjfoiuid    clepi'ossions    of    luuoLiness. 

^c?in^    (le[>riveti    of    faiuily    .uni    friends,    wi  thout,.iouey ,     lackin^j 
peniiission     to    ttUco    a    job,     1    was    entirely    dependent    on 
this    iii.ui.     'Mthoui'^h   he     tried    to    be    nice,     he    was    after    all    a 
stringer   wuosc    cultural     background    1    hai^4ly    undcrstoori. 
Many    years    i)assed    :uiA  cradua  L 1  y    -*-    adjusted,     but     then    a 
rather    ^icJy    separation     took    place    .viMi    -^    was    obliged    to 
make    life    over   a^ain ,     eventually    leading  nic    to    return 
to    school, 

I    final  ly    si'.cceedcd    in     lin.vin/:   my    now    life    "i  th   my   r)revious 
oducr.ti'U    in    irasic,     '  nd    for    the    past    20    ye    rs    -ly    \.'ork    has 
consisted    of   liel[)inc    handic.pped    cliildron,     icarainc    to 
brin;:    tliom   many    moiiKMits    o  i'   h  ii>py    lau/jhtor   by    u  iin/:  (iitsic. 


Thus,    "the    iiyetery"    remains  s 

^k    casual    I'io.-.turo    of   a    ^'op.;    moved    a    non-be]  iev(M'    to    ultimately 
turn    the    life    of    an    innocent    person     like   mo    into    someone    willing 
and    able    to    contribute    constructively    in    a    ficlfl    where   optimism 
and    creativity    are   needed   most.    Without    ^*.    ■*•    would   have   been 
<jbli(;ed    to    remain    in   *-Mrs    from   where   more    than    20.(>00    people 
were    shipped    to   Hi  tier' a   monstrous    ovens. 


Vor  46  Jahren  in  der  Vorweihnachtszeit 

Deportation  jijdischer 
Burger  ins  Getto  Riga 

Stadtarchiv  bittet  um  Hilfe  fur  eine  Ausstellung 

Bielefeld  (NW)  Heute  yor  46  Jahren  begnnnen  fur  judische  Burger  Bieletelds 
die  Deportationen  zu  den  Vemichtungslagern  im  Oslen  Der  erste  Transport 
vom  13  Dp/ember  1941  brachte  fast  fausend  westfalische  Juden  ins  Getto 
Riga  Nur  wenige  uberlebten  Das  Stadtarchiv  Bielefeld  mmmt  das  historisclie 
Datum  7um  AniaB  um  au'  e;n  Projekt  hinzuweisen  bei  dessen  Verwirklichung  es 
der  Mithilfe  von  Zeitzeugen  Dedarl. 


13  Dezember  1941.  Guterbahnhof  Bielefeld  Der  Transportzug  vor  der  Abfahrt 
nach  Riga  Die  Juden  im  Zug  suchen  BeKannte  unter  den  neu  ankommenden  ju- 
dischen  Familien  aus  Bielefeld.  Foto:  Stadtarchiv 


I"  f^K'otier  nach'jten  Janres  soil  eme 
A.  •  .-g'zum  TMema  .  Sechs  Jaf^r- 
f-.u'^'JeMe  |i^'1.v:rien  Lpr)er,s  im  RauTi 
Bieiefei'l  ero^fneI  vvtraen  Aria3  ist  der 
50  Jaf^'-estag  des  Novembe'pogroms 
von  1938  Dei  dem  a^^h  die  Bieieteider 
Sv^agoge  zerstort  wurde 

Der  VernichtungsKreuJ/jg  der  Natio- 
naisc^raiisten  wrd  m  der  Ausstenung 
viel  Raum  einnenme"  Afcer  auch  d'e 
b'S^^er  se'ten  bedachten  Anfange  ]udi- 
scf^en  LeDers  im  mitteiaiterschen  Bie'e- 
feld  die  A^a  PreuBens  der  Autschwung 
der  jud  sc^^e^  Gememde  seit  dem  '9 
Jahrh'jnderl  der  VViedertjegmn  nach 
1945  und  die  Bie>efcider  Gegenwa''!  sol- 
len  e'^thaiten  sem  Erstma's  entsteri!  en 
Dokumentarfilm  m  dem  Zeitzeugen  und 
K  nder  der  Holocaust  Uberiebendcn  :c 
V\orl  Kommen 

Das  Stadtarchiv  b  !tet  nun  um  Unter- 
stul^ung  und  Suchl. 


•  Fc'os  von  ludtSChen  Schyl-  und  Ve' 
e-^sKame'aden      Freunden      Nacnbam 
BfKanf-.ten    von  GebaucJen    die   m  |uc3i- 
schem  BeS'tj  sta^den  (ducn   19    Jahr- 
hundect) 

•  Brefe  Aufzeichnungen  Oder  Gegen- 
i.'ande  von  [ud'SChen  Mitburger^ 

•  Zeitjejgen  die  verfotgten  JucJen  ge- 
ho'fen  Oder  S'C  verslecKl  haben 

•  Schiider'jpg"n  von  Ermnerungen  an 
judiSC^e  Mitbjrger  und  von  besonderen 
VorHommnissen  vor  und  nach  1933 

Alie  Informationen  werden  verVauiich 
benandeit  Personennamen  auf  Wunsch 
anonymisiert  Fofos  Gegenstande  uncJ 
Do>*ume"te  sonen  nur  a's  Leingabe  ge- 
nuizt  werden  Kontaktadresse  Dr  Mo- 
nica Minmngc  Anke  Stuber  Stadtar- 
chiv und  landesgescrMcntiicr.e  Bbho- 
t-^ek  Rohrteichstrafle  19  Tel  5168  46. 
5;  68  40  und  51  24  n 


-A 


1'  .Iff    IT 


■V]\--:    TIM!-:    OF     VD.M' .  TMENT 


The     i'irst     Fen     Years 


M  1  rianne     Ho  rel 


iif'^S 


i 


o 


y 


r^ 


o 


-   133    - 


Hi^FORE      rirvRi. 


iAR;ir>ii 


So    here    I    was.    I    had    saved    my    life,    escaped    the 
war    and    cd:tio    to    tho    man    1    trusted. 

Yet,    -*-    felt    as    if    ^    were    at    the    bottom    of    the    seal 
a^::aln.    Since    I    lived    in    I'tris    with   mv    liusband     for 


many    years,     it    had    become    my    second    hon, 


peakinf^ 


French     -  linos  t    like    natives,    v;o    had    acqnired    some 
friends    and    established    .1    household    however   modest 


V,nt     "ow 


v/as    alone*,     wit    out    an  v    le.^al     docii- 


trients,    notr  in*:    to    do    and    stripT>ed    of    evcrvt^ii 


1    <.'Vor    ii.Ad 


•j.ilizin;;^   myself   utterly    der^endint 


on    one    nmn's    ^^'him  ,      •    m.-n    who    was    tnarriod,    bo] 


nnr^rir. 


to    a    different    cnltnro,     'i    dif'erorit    .'cener  iti 


on 


ex[)ressod    r.iy    feelin    s    in    my    diary    with    the    ^/ords  : 
'»'./e    all    die     it    one    time    in    our    life    v;ithout 


bcin.":   buried 


'ur    f  I  te    accomplished 


wo 


have    received    every  thin/^    !  i  f  e    was     ible    to 


fJIVG 


anrl    we    h  ive    j^iven    evervthin/r   ^'C    have 


v/itliin    us 


rt, 


I  :.tever    comes    aftor    this    point 


does    not    deserve    the    label    'life 


"Tlie    worJd    is    full    with    T:)eople    who    hnve 
died    but    did    not    !:uow    it.     <'nly    a    few  have 
the    privi  1  e;';e    to    die    at    tlie   rnotnont    v.dien 
their    life    came    to    an    end." 


(frnnsl  'ted    frcnn    berrnm    with    no    reference    indicated 
-    but    obviously    referrin/^    to    my    time    in    >.'ice    -^    just 

loft,    where    I    know    a   ^;ro.')  t    deal    of   happiness    with    a 


rn  ai 


1    -^    called    '  i'ori  tz 


) 


•'^ 


-   13'4   - 


Tn    my    drive    for    indcpendenco      my    Tirst    decision 
u  »s     to    rind     A    nl     ce    to    live    ;ind    ?ny    Lion    i  as    i    called 
hita    now,     sinco    he    wis    hnrn    in    .lu/vust)    sortned 
relieved    that    -^    w-inted    to    J  e  ive    tlie    luxury   hotel 
so    soon. 

Thus,    wQ    drove     irounii    difrerent    no  j  ,^:hbor1ioods 
loolciji."^    for    some  thin-' ,    when    ve    hrc  pcned    to    roine 
to     i    n    rrov/    street    u-i  tdi     little    houses    v/!iich 
deli'hted    me.     "There    is      i    tree,"    -^    excl 'litned    from 
a    dist    nee    -    "let's    /70    to    the    troe," 
-^ndood    Che     tree    sloo'J     m     front    of    a    sm>ll    resi- 
dential    hoteJ     where    \    w'S    to    live     for   many    years. 
llie    house    bc\oni^:ed     to     the    brother    of    a    youn':   vJcv/ish 
worn  u)    wlio    w  !S     in    ctiir.':e    of    it.     There    were    carpeted 
stairs    reminding   me    of    the    small    pi  ice   -^    had    in 
p. iris    near     tlie    Madeleine    -rnd    i    ,';o  t    a    pleasantly 
furnished    room    with    a    pretty    bathroom    and    a    kitchenette 
which    \/as    every  til  1  n;:    ■*■    corild    wish, 
nut,     for     ill    t>iese    positive    developments,    -^    felt 
a    bit    dizzy    with    so    many    drastic    ch-'n.'^es, 
After    all,    t    ''xl    spent    three   months    in    a    concen- 
tration   camp      in    the    i'yrenoes    with    8.000    women    - 
then    relative    freedom    on     the    f abu • ous    ^ote   d'  \zur, 
f ol  1  ov/ed    by    tiree    weeks    on    a    -Spanish    ship   in    the 
company    of   many    youn^'7  iTien  ! 


dinner   at    .?9     /est    12th     ^t. 
v/itli   my    cousin    Tl«e    anrl 


155  - 


r 


f^ 


-    1-.  6_ 


*) 


.\ccordJ.n.';    to    !:iy    calender    of    19'll    ^    bej:ai    ir.y    d;>ys 
in    i^-«cw    '^orJc    v/i  tli    s^lop})in^:   and    as   rnijiy    a>poin  tmon  ts  as 
I    could     irran/je. 

Moreover,    inriuonced    by    the    many    <liscn.ssions    -^ 
had    on     Che    bo  it    with    my    companions,    I    jiursued 
the    idea    of    1  oarnin,^    "Spanish,     ■'■hrou^';:h   my    fornier 
partner    in    Piris    ^    founci    a    ^  rench    soealcin,-^    pianist 
from    ^pain    who,    also    str^n<lod    in    N<»w   York    on 
account    oT    the    war,     consented     to    teach   tiie, 
Concerned    to    reestahlisii    f.nnily    ties    r:iy    ».iother 
wrote     tlie    a^'dresses    of    relatives    in    N'eA/    York  \ 

nrf:in/c   ine     to    ,';;e  t    in    touch    with    t*.  em,     wh.ich    -^    did. 
hut    i    felt    a    sense    of'    s  tr  in,':eness    v/i  th    these 
r(-'l  itives,     lookia,":    ■\t   me    with    "peculiar"    eyes. 
Instead    of    bein.'^    y)roud    of    iiavim  ac^ii eved    my    rescue 
-^    v/  IS    ill     at    e  ise  • 

dov/ever,    bein,":    dressed    in    fashionable    clothes, 
wearing    a    i-Told    watch    studded    wi  tii    rubies     uid 
dirj^iionds,     carrying,    tlie    exquisite    scent    of    A'atou's 
j^crfiirio,    it    v/  is    only    natural    that    people    would 
tiiinl:    of   me    as    sr)moone    "^    refused    to    lie,     althonr:h    ^ 
ha.ii    to    adr.iit     that    alJ     -^    h.  m1    v/  »  s    paid    by    one    man. 
On    tlie    other   hand    ^    fou^vht    these    uncomrortable 
fee  Lin. ,s    with    tlie    reco/^iition     that    cert*  in    rules 
had    presently    lost    their   value    an*"!    that    1   had    to 
.live    according;    to    my    present    neods    -      - 
and    so    tlie    hell     with    a1  1     of    them,,.,       ^.- 


il 


-   157    - 


Tlic    only    person    wiio    un'^orstoocl    was    my   niothor    who 
v/rote    lue  :  "re;:  irdless       ^^  ^^    ^^^®    circumstances    my    darling?, 
ynu    live    ;iri(i    you    nro    safe." 

It    ::oGS    v/ithout    sayin/j    that    tiiis    man    I    called    "my    lion" 
(his    il  .j.e    was    ac  taai  1  y  "^harlio"  )    thorou/;hly    enjoyed 
taking;   :ne    to    all    kinds    of    rishiond)le    places    while 
bein.;   doli{jhted    with    my    enthusiasm.    But    after    three 
montlis     time    i.e.     with    the    bo.'cinnin'T    of    summor    he    loft 
mo    more    often    alone, 

As    -i-    nee    it     tod.iy,    he?    probably    v.'ishn.l    to    relax    at    home 
after    a    d.y's    \.'(jrk.    'Moreover,    ^^\ily     u'ld    m/:ust    was     the 
hi,'Th    so  -s  >!i     for'    his    oven  in,':    'iress    btisiness,      ^ir 
cnnditi.'^n    in    19'n     'lid    rio  t    exist    and    bcitK'    in    his    nidUe 
GO'S     >nrl    a.    bit    ovcrw  ei  >:h  t ,     ho    probrd^ly    ncede<i    a    rest. 
Too    i'.nor    nt    to    nn'orstan'     this    beh.-vior    I    bc^an    to 
fool    ritlier      nxlon:;,     doubtinr:    his    affection    :\rn\    on 
tbe    ver.vc    qi  V    losin^;    my     trast    Ln    bin.    Thus,    in    '   -^v    nnly 
two    :nonths    after    r.iy    .arival    ^    wrote    in   my    diary: 

"Vdiero    do    I     find    sapn^rt    md    consol  >  tion'- 
ivithin    myself    ever  y  tli  i  ri,-    is    torn     md    splintered 
wi  t'n    30    m  iny    (:orif)lic     tions, 

I     thou/;ht     to    hold    liipidness    in    my    hanrls,    liu  t    it 
was    an    ill  as  ion. 

.:o    ..at  tor    )iow    one    iooks     it    1  i  f  <^ ,     it    is    v.'ron/T, 
even    who  ;    one    believe-,    not    to    have    ai.y     feclin.TS 
left,     one    ntivor  thel(?Hs    s«.'    r;is     \o     fin'l    the 
stren.'^th    to    suffer    .i-Mn," 


- 138- 


vnierGiii^on    ray    mot-ier     insworn<i  : 

"il'ippj.ncss    is    n    'lisposition. 

Out;    of    .sclfishnoss    I     im     i    philosopher. 

1    w    n  i.    to    Sf'P     ind    fool    the    .^ood    thin.^^s  • 

i'o     1  oolc    do\>m    and    he    hiimblo,      it    the    same 

tiaic    to  ^"t  rive    iiy)wrirds    concernin.«T    cliaracter 

formation     irul    lvnowlod;:e    in   mrmy    directions," 


.vlthou;,h     Charlie  I^'^i'^    ^'^^    everythiri;:    ^    noeded,     .sendin(7 
freniiently    prcciouo    fiowers     ui-i    bnyinf:   me    little 
presents,    -^    never    hid    any    cash.    The    niost    I    had    was     -i^S*- 
I    realized    ttiat    I    was    fond    of    him,     hut    also    luiew    that    I 

neecled    to    build    another    1  L  f  e     to    ree^i  t  ibli  sli    niy    inde- 
pendence,    •"'incc    ho    a/;roed    to     this    ho    surprised    me    one 
day    by    arr-^n.^in  ■'^    r>ot:ie  thin;;    for   tiie    in    a    little    retail     shop 
off    i^adison    -'Vonue,     "'"lie    place    was    within    walkiri;':   fii  stance 
of    liir.    office    an«l    ;. cross     fr  >in    a    '•.•onderPnJ     -^^••edl.sli    re- 
st a"  rant    ^'/here    we    often    met    ta    enjoy    leisurely    Inncheons, 
'^ince    he    did    not     t  ike    my    /)ob    aerio  isly,     he     took    me 
as    Ion/:    for    Innch    as    h^^    lilced,    makin/^   me    late    for    the 
aftiornoon's    v/orl<..    This    in  ter  ferrerl    with    the    store's 
lanchtij^e    policy    and    "'■    was    dismissed    -    r^erliapr    also     for 
iny    lack    of    le,;;  tl    documents,    as    well     as    my    poor    I'n/^lisli, 


It    appears    as    if    I     lived    "two    lives"    at    that    time: 
^    tried    to    bo    v/ lat    was    expected    of   iik^  ,     to    en.joy    all 
tlio    fai;ulous    concerts,     stiows,    weekend    trips    etc  .and     to   bo 
^;1  ad    for    b  .inr.    save<l,    ihit    from    what    1    v.rrote    in    my 
diary    in    those    months,    ^    was    burdened    about    everything 
bein;;    in    a    fo,-:.    There    were    no    news    frf)m    my    husband    nor 
from    fo  -iiier    fri'-nds,    '^orrid    stories    about    concentration 
cojiips    caMio    to    my    attention    and    1    felt    uneasy  beinf:    the 


-   ] 


9   - 


girlfriend    of     •-    rich    old    M.m ,    tlespcr.)  tel  y    tryinf^ 
to     rind    my    p    ;icc    of   itiiiil    in     tho    iibt^iry    mci    by 
v/ritin^:    to    my    mother      who    rt-iiindod    me    to    continue 


to    find 


('Iflcksbasis 


(a    I 


).isic    h.!p:>ino.ss ; 


ma 


to    look    rit    tlie    stirs    md    to    bow    before    the 
"ALL    -    the    UNKNOWN."    Later    she    wrote: 


± 


n 


..'7(^ner  il    we    rlisciss    too    m-my 


things    v.'hich    '»re    fruitless 


orlc  -  nnd 


try  to  bo  .someon»'  for  oth.ers,  even  if  you 
ire  not:  in  lores  tc'i . 

Ucvf^iop  your  intellect,  out  oven  iiiore  your 
soul • " 


Thus  1  s  tru/j.'^led  with  soinethin,':  I  hid  never  experienced 
a  scemin^':ly  ondless  loneliness   - 


cs 


1    was    terribly    lonely    in    Paris,    but    !iy    husband 


Ct.amc    home    in     the    evening;,      vl  thou^^h    1    was    in    contact 
v/i  th    so;iie    friends    and     faiiiily    mcnibors    who    occasionally 


inviCtMi    me    for    dinner,     the    constant    feel  in, 


of 


anxiety  alone  in  a  farnishod  [)lace,  particularly  on 


w 


eelvcnds,    made    mo    wretched    md    speculations    about    the 


future    i":rew    into    a    dre  idful    ni^^htmare 


Wh  y 


3  a 


v  e  d 


w 


IS    a    frequent    thou/;ht    anrl    the    only 


an 


swer    I    CO!  lid     finfl    was    tf)    i)rin/r    h.appincss    to     the    man 


who    saved    mo,     alchoti,;h    he    did    not    (^Lve    tlie    impresion 


o 


f    nf^edin.'v    '-e 


No 


1 


did    not    come     to    -nneric  !    to    stav    here    -    I    had 


my    husband    and    my    family    in    ""urope.    My    ambition    was 


ta    become    a    musician 


after     dl,    -^    had    been    a    student 


of    the     frumous    WancLi    Lando\/ska    -    only    circumstances 


had    broJven    everything;    into    pieces 


-   ] 


9   - 


girlfriend    of     i    rich    old    i.ian ,    .lespcrntely    rryin^r 
to     find   iny    p    .icc    of   i:iin-l    in     tho    libi^-iry     md    by 
writing;    to    r.iy    mother      wIto    reminded   i;ie    to    continue 


to    find 


Olflcksbasis"     (a    basic    h.i[)r>ine.ss  y 


nd 


to    loolc    rit    the    stars     irid     to    bow    before    th( 
"ALL    -    the    UNKNOWN."    Later    she    wrote: 


•  •  •  • 


± 


n    .-?( 


■nor  il    we    fiiscnss    too    mmy 


thinrs    v.'Viich    are    fruit]  <vs; 


l.r 


ork    -    and 


try    to    bo    :^omeon«>    for    others,     even    if    you 
are    ru^t     inlorestcti. 

iJevniop    your    intellect,    but    oven    more    your 
soul • " 


Thus    1    strurj/^led    wi  t'l    some  tliin,'^:    I    hid    never    experienced 
a    scerninf';ly    (mdloss    loneliness       — 

Yes,    -L    was    terribly    lonely    in    I'aris,    but    ny    husband 

cJ.u:ie    home    in     tho    evening;,      vl  thouf^h    1    was    in    contact 

v/itli    sojiie    friends    antl    f:unily    i:icnibers    wlio    occasionally 

invited    lue    for    dinner,     the    constant    feelin/;s    of 

anxiety    alone    in    a    fnrnisiiod    place,     particularly    on 

weelvcnds,    made    me    wretched    and    spectilations    about    the 

fLiture    iTrew    into    a    dreadful    ni/'^h  tniare, 

\<hy    w  .s    -•-    saved,    was    a    freq<ient    thou/jlit    and    the    on]  y 


an 


swer    I    co:;ld    find    was    to    lirin;:    h.'iT)pincss    to    the    man 


who    saved    rue,     althou/;h    he    did    not    (j/ive    the    imiiresion 

of    need  in,",    '-f^* 

No  I    -^    <'lid    not    come     to    -nrieric  i     to    stay    here    -    I    had 
my    liusband    and   my    family    in    '"urope.    My    ambition    was 
to    become    a    musician,     after    all,    -^    had    been    a    student 
of    the    f.'u:ious    Wanda    Landowska    -    onlv    ci  rctiins  tances 
had    broJvon    everything;    into    i)ieces. 


-    l6o 


n 


-    1  61  _ 


Ikit    tiino    v;cn  L    on     aid 


I  en     f  .1  i 


w  \: 


in     tlio 


J  r 


a  r  1  i 


bon/:}it:     i    new   1  incoln    \.'i  th    pi -ins    to    drivo    kL  iJi    t.o    t 


'lorirl  I 


o  r    .sjn  "i  s 


e    iitj(j:;;ns  tOfl     tlr»t     I 


'-♦^t   rnv     Ir  i  ver'  s 


license    v/Uich    1    d  id ,     ^'n    -^undiv,     Jecoiriber   '7th    w'i.li 


wai  tin. 


1  ri     U 1 


car    for    tr  itfic     li/:ht    t:o    ch-nTG 


>'- » 


the 


iicv;s     ibout    i  e.»rJ.    -inrbor    wns    flashed     in    li;:     ts    across 


Tirues    ^^quare 


Tliat    n.eans    war    kiddo 


ha  rile    excl    lined 


lUi  t     a    WAT   \;i  t       J.apan    'lid    not    iiipre.ss    me    since    it 


as 


too    r    r    Pro 
J  ip.-'ji    \,'as 


n 


1  1    1    !; 
Jly    of 


Jiew, 


fail  in,":    to    raco.Tnize    that 


nmce 


^  roniiati 


tills    nioant 


n        \C     1 


r     i/Tainst 


the 


r, 


^  a  z  1  s 


Uncon'-orned    a.ho'i  t    the    news    we    drove    leisaroly    south, 
fill]    oP     'drriir  I  tion     for    the    po  j.  nse  1 1  i  as  ,     the    Mossy    trees 
rvTid    do!i,;:itral       Sp.a^isii     touch     aroiind     St,      \n.'7Mstine,      .'e 


wore    m 


vtona    i3e    ch    .'.iiiaa    eve    where    i '"    Wvas    vr-m    .and 


the    at    rs    be  ..a  ti  fa  1  1 '/    bliaLin 


m 


volvt;ty    bl  'clc    sky 


n    .  i 


j  d  e 


i.a.-  li    tlie    w    tor 


'•/     s 


.n^di    too    co3a    for    sw  i 'T'lin/v    be— 


i  I     w;l: 


t  o  o 


cit.  i[dod"     foT^   li'.y     taste 


r»-.er    a    \.'n 


ok    v;e    retnrnofl     t 


n 


r»w 


oris 


In    Flori 


-   162    - 


-    J  o  T   - 


The   mod f.' Is 


FTV:R    ]' 


L,.-V 


ill.    I 


\C}il 


'hen    Gh.r-rlic?    rcalizci    r'y    «lirricL'l  ti 


s    in     rii^IiiiT    a 


ol. 


10. 


li'^.roed     to    lot    i-.e    worlc    j  i»    his    factorv,    sofrio  th  Inr 


T 


n  tG'I     to    'lo       11    alo 


r:ov.-ovor 


for 


ra  f.  lor    s'-ia]  1 


saJ.  try    lie    eirmloyeri    mo    in     ihr    s<>r:icv/!ia  t    dt-nibtrirl    can'city 


of    liolPLn'T    t'lc    iK^dols    chrMire     their 


< )  \-/ » 1  p 


'hi 


v;a: 


r «''  r>  c  n  l  o 


:->y    hi 


s  d. es';i  .n,     nnrh  <t>s     V 


oirn  n 


no^sibl c 


C'linoo  ti  t  i'?n      ttJ    rnv    prcr-ouce    .iwiicrMi  f;d 


so:.',  ov/'i- 1    V'' id  ion 


r. 


f 


n  t  i  s  o':n.  tism     i.n    his    T)ni'ioro"s 


nn  >T)    drossmakers    '.'liich 


obliTod    hi'.u     to    lot   mn    rj^    af'tor    a    s'-ort     ti'r.o 


'r 


Ti 


11 


d  i  s  tros  -cd 


since     L    M  .vried    "lyr.elf    for    'in    inihilitv 


to 


jiist    inste-id    of    roi.li/,in;7    th  •  t     ly     ippe- irruice   ini^^ht 


liavo    cm  .so< 


1 J 


11    o r d") . I r  r a  s ; -tr.  e  n  L 


fi 


Rgscuc"    caine    v/i  th    the    visit     of    some    hnycrs     frnm    d.ivana 


The    Cub  nil    frionf- 


s 


\/ho    did    not    'vish     t)    vnfuro    ,".n  i  n,'7     to    v.'artorn    I'rirope 


and     tlioLi.dit    or     ^ettin,:    their    needed    'iiorcUindise    i 


n 


-Now 


or-; 


ivno\.M  rii 


y    (iesire    to 


srDeaic    .:? 


ip.mish    Oi't]  jo 


rr( 


)t 


:o     i  i;:     tonch    wi  t  '    »orne    of    these    (yiiban 


Isabel,    bcciaiie    a    friencl.     ^he    spoke    ai.)oa  t 


one    of    '/I'oiTi 
n      '.sth:-ial:ic 


/^i  r  J     (a    dressrn,  Jcery     in    ^-uhi    -/iiose    snr\riviJ     depen'led    on 


a    c  I  ■;  a  I 


1  :e    o  r    cl  i:;ia  te 


li  'rlie     C')nsonte<i     to    Tive    her     i 


job    in     t,he    factory    and    so    pventnatly    she     ^rrived,    a 


fact 


1  c 


»J  ayed 


SI    ni 


iric:int    rolo    for   r-.e    later   m 


The    aliilitv     to    ontert  'in    ens  to:. era    Vr 


T'  corni^-'C  ted    lie    '-ri  t:h      diai\lio's    wor' 


ti' 


■ub  '    r.OMelio^/ 
'S    v.'as    my    luck, 


an    ord(;r    for 


or  tain       o-vn    c  I'.ie     in    roquirin.':   an    enonnous 


amount    of    v/or!;    for     i    finisher,    a    taslc    whicli    -^    eonlfl    <lo 


-    164 


A    t.'iljic    c    rrl    < 


"^tin 


of   my    cousins    ri.iflo    for    :\    part 


-    1  u  5    - 


Thus,    despite    the     ui  t.i,':onisrn    of   liis    omploycos     'h'.rlio 
took   r;ic    brick,     ^his    time    it    was    for    .^ood    since    the 
situition    now    h.-.c!    ctian^:ed    dr  istici'ly    i/i  th     the 
es  tnivi  islirnen  t    of    the    United    -^tates    '/ar    l^rodiiction 
Board    L33    ''irectivo    2, 

's^OHicn  '  s    clothes    were    deaJ  t    a    series    of    severe    b.lov;s, 
by    iKinisIi  in/^    full    .-kirts,     no    kriifo    T-)loits,     nor    tuckin,«: 
or    p;itch    pockets,    no    bolts    :nnre    tiian    2"    ',;ido    and     the 
like,     -  miifricturers    wnre    oldi/jcd    to    use    synthetic 
fnbrics    c.licd    "victory     fibrics,"     thus    lon;T    evening: 
drosses    such    as    wore    i)roducod    at    C.i arlie's     frictory 
V'nishod    overni'cht, 

Atiiorican    fcisliion    indiustry    ropr«^sented    a    three    billion 
dollar    lousiness    at    thit    ti:iie,    however,     nov;    faced       with 
fTOvcrunien  t    rdTulatlons     in<\    su  Irlen    shortages    (such    as 
i:iotal     for    zippers    or    rubber    for    elastic)    m  tnn  fac  tnrers 
were    also    c  iallenf';ed    to    ere  » to    their    o\n\    fashions 
since    Europe    was    shut    off   which    presented     for   most    of 
tlierii      •roat    difficulties. 

By    19'l2    ^'orTlen  '  s    '.ve£ir    D.iily    rcnocted     these    problems 
q.iite    clearly    in       Itnost    everv    iss\ie,     ->onio    ])nlieved    that 
wartime    v/otild    hivo    a   depre    sLn;:    eCfoct    on    business, 
especiilly    evening;    r.owns ,    It    /:oes    without    saying    that 
Charlie's    l')usiness    wis    ,'^reatly    inriuenced    p Tticularly 
by    the    ;:oncril    .gloomy   mood     \nd    anxiety    .•'•lon,^':   his 
C'jsto  .ers  ,    WHO    r'tpidlv    dis.ippe.irer!. 


fl 


1^ 


-    K'6    - 


Charlio's    1  :bel    was    n-o  1  L    Icnov.-n     in     tho    tr.»<le     t 


o    cirrv 


one    op    t: 


e     Cinnst:    .lebut'nt;R    ru^(\    ov 


onjn;:     Tovm.s    \;liich    he 


iiriDoi^tO'l     f'roni    I  on<lon    anfl    i   iris     I. 
AnioriciM      larkot.     T.u  t    nnrort  tinty 


o    co|>y    tlieci    for    th< 


s    tf)    ho 


afreet    h' 


ir>inesr> 


:ovorn:ion  t    re  '^s  tri  c  ti  on 


w    t!ie    wnr   '•.'onlrj 
shortn.'^es    of 


Coods    as    v/(}]  1    as     t!ie     falJin;:    off    of    his    h 
brou.Tiit    lilin    nov;    ai^iost     to     the    l)riTilv    of    bank 


II 51 1  n  e  s  s 


m  I  n  t  c  y 


Thus    ho    felt    obli/Tod     to    cut 


is    stafi'    md    move    to    a 


smaJ.Jcr    tilice    hooi 


n. 


to    survive     »:h 


e    war 


Ai. 


avin£^    ills    fii.Tl    conridence    I    became    in    time    more 


or    less 


th 


•'J 


ick    of    all    trad 


es 


for    hi 


m    which    Miade    me    only    t 


oo 


lianny  ,     Un  f  or  tnnatol  v 


W '  ' 


it     these    circi 


•  m stances    mo 


Ji  t     for 


hill',    cjscaoed    me,     since    1 


was 


too    invol\c<l    in    my    o 


\\'n 


aJix  i  c  ties 


rid 


«  e pro SSI on s 


moreover 


-I    \ 


I'ul    lon.T    wished 


that    America    ^/olllfl     join    tlie    war.      nid 


now 


I      Vi 


as    over  i  o ved 


with     this    fie V';  I  oT->men  t 


1 1 


us,     my     thou,'^:hts    v;ere    fa 


re' ioved    from    ^hirli 


e's    worries,     some  thin/;   he   mi.^ht    hav( 


re sen  ted 


Xevertlu^l  Qr,r,  , 
be  t '  or    fu  ture 


1     ■•    d     to    livn    Miy    own    life    in     the    hone    of    a 


tr  Mi.^e     IS     j  ^ 


m  r 


eo'i    ^    '-U'^lder^lv    received 


'I    poem    from    my    has-      ul,      ij  though     i     'nad 


nnnn    o  \ 


of    touch 


v;i  t 


n     I  m  i  ii 


o  r 


\  on, 


t  i  Mio 


it- 


le     po(^")    w 


no  t    d    ted     ukI 


wri  t ♦ en    in 


1       CO 


ncentration    ca'Mp    in    .\orth   'Africa 


In    \/<)cidcn    barracks    .1    cunnot.    V)Mild    c'.stles    in    tlie    uir, 


ant 


1    barb'^l 


■ire 


w 


hich    is    h  -rd      uid     ti.^lit 


I     cannot    en  t    with    a    s  i  nr^l  c    word    of    love 
dut.    in    the    eva-iiLti';    when    iviJm trees    itiove 


an 


d    d arlvTiess    is    around    us 


it    is    in    peacetime    - 


theji    -^    foeJ     til  it    yon    are    '/i  th    me 


P 


-   167  " 


-        L     )    ,^    - 


Thouf^hts    about    thn    !„  t 


ernatlonal    Hou s e : 


i^^^!   ?^!^    stellten    weiter   ^-arniclits   vor 

Doch    half  en    sie    mir   tlber    den'/Tossen    B^-rrr^y.^^ 

Stud  on  ten    w.ren    sio    aus    frornden    L,^de^    ^   hxn.e.Tzuicom.en 

^«o   rn.an    eino    andore    ::iprache    sj>richt, 

Wo    Palmon    in    cier   ^trasse    wachsen        'ht-^k^h 

Viel    waren    sie    nicht   wert    ^^  ^^rchideen    .in    den    Mauem    blflhen 

Doch  war  es  reizvoll  sich  mi  t  ihnen  anzusch.-.eicheln 
Uber  Oiesea  und  auch  Anderes  zu  diskutieren  '''''^^" 
^nd    auch   den    ^anco    im   Original    zu     tanzen." 


\ 


me 


(They    did   not    represent    .uiythin"   in    n-^-rt-i  r-ni  ^-r.   i^  4-   u    -, 
to    overcome    the    "bi,;  mountain":  ^^""^^^^^^^   but   helped 

They    were    students    of   rnroifrr^     io«.j«      l, 

ton,..o    -   where    pal„,trees "row    iTstrtl?^^''''^'''.'    T"*^"" 
on    their   walls.  streets   ,uid    orchids    blossom 

They   were    .just    avera-^o   but    channin/T    to     riirt   with    th^r, 

discussinc    this    or    th,t,    but    in    nartio.n  .t^      t  ' 

the    tanno    in    the   orisin.a...)         f^'^^'-^cular    to   darice    with    th 


em 


jflfl;  Ba-flB.  3 5... 03  as^j 


¥Ji 


SUS^frS 


*"S».T 


.NTtRHATKDNAL   «OUS«  OH  RIVIUS^OS   WUVS  AT  ,,4*  STP»T    NCW  rO«K  OTY 


My    friend   Melida 
from    lajiama 


,« 


lin.vin;;    boon    \;i  til    my    husb  itid    since    T    war.    in    tuy    toons, 
our    rol  a  t  lonSiii  ^>    was    par-t      'f'    uiy    l>(«in^,     ilo    sic.n^ly 
"belon.'veti"     to    -i^/     life    aithourrh    v/o    j)  irtcd    .like    stnn';ors 
\/'ioii    v/o    .1    st    s  'v/    oic'i    other,     iiowovor,     this    ;.oo?i    e\'oked 
o'lr    past   hipninos.?,     ;rener-' t,  i  n(T    a    i';l  iinpso    of    hope     for 
the    f'l  tairo  • 

>ince    I    had    p.lonty    oV    tiiiie    in    my    lonely    existence    T 
persisr.c<i    in    st:'i(lyinj':    Sp'nish,     ?\rtor    tryi.n.;^    a    Vow 
teachers     L     roi:nd    ,'',(?1  id  a ,     wlio    livofl    at    tnc     1  n  terna  ti<>nn  1 
i^on.'io,     i«ein":a      i  'ai  i:;ioni  an    sho     iritrofhiced    rn-^    niostly    to        \ 
neof)lo     froni    ooath     caorica    v/io    at     t'.at    ti'ie    diil    not    soern 
to    unh  ors  t'-ai- 1     tlio    hi  frernnce    het\'.a^oii    a    ^erp.an    refn'^ee 
anl    a    '^eniar:.    *^iace    1    co    Id    not     tolerate    tlie    idea    of 
boin.^    iden  ti  ri.  o'.l    as    a    Croniian,     1    a.l  v/ays    T)re  tended     t.o    be 
r'rench.    ."  oreover,    since    ^    fled    l*'rr\nce     this    seenied     to    be 
an    easifjr    way    to    avoid    misundors  tandinjs , 
Thus,     for  many    years    1    net    Meli(La     there    every    I'^riday 
where    \.'e    had    a    wo.    lerful     time    with    its    lively    social 
life,     freqieiit    lectures    and    in  tero^i  tin;:    neo|vle» 
L\irthon;iorc ,    -^    discovered       t  lat    the    *^'rcncii    I'nivorsity 
was    one    of    ny    noi.Thl-Jors    on    12th    str'-'et,    v/hore    L    could 
attend    l(^c  tnrcjs     free    of    ehar/^e    in     i'sychol  Oj'T^y     uid 
/Vn  thropol  o.-^^y .     1    \/ou  ]  d    h.ive    bc^n    satisfied    v/inh     this 
trrxnsi  tion  tl    existence    except    for    the    fact    tliat    Charlie 
see'Med     to    no.lGCt    nic. 


-  1(1 


9  - 


raero    was    a    rift    for    wliich    1     hil    no    exol -..nation    then 
but    c  '11    soo    it    nuv;.     Mie    fn    r    th\t    he    ni-lit    broalc    our 


rel   itlonnhip   drove 


me    to    inr-iense    sadness    -nd    anxieties 


in  v.i  ev/  o  ('  wlnt  hanncned  to  my  societv  .»>id  the  bruta- 
lities then  fikin;;  place  in  Bnrope  Ch  rlie's  probleins 
did    not    seem     to    no     tf>    be    that    tra-'-ic. 


I    difi    n(3t    ronjize    then    but    n 


ow 


novf     -_     that   he 


(1 


iKe    t 


lost    /unericansy    (iid 


not    save    Tor    his    later 


veirs 


as    WIS    cur,  t')rTiary    in    Furopo,     but    lived    well    vn  th     t>ic 
inoney    )io    r.i.ade,     but    now     ts    an    older   nan    vritb.    res  non- 


si  Iji  .1  i  ti  ct>     Toi^ 


1     fain  L  1  y  ,     he    musi:    have    felt     threatened 


v;.it!»    a    possibJc    b-nkruptcy,     fe  iri 


n, 


its    irnvl  ications 


Thus,     v/i-    lived    in    r.^tiier    diffordnt    spheres,    'i 


o  r  o  o  v  e  r 


iru:o    v/e    wore    now    wo 


rkin.f^    to/^etlier ,  ti- -e    spent    to^^ethor 


out  si' to    o 


i  lace 


o'  1  rs 


^ec  inio    a    rare  tv 


I    1 


ived    alone 


s  o  r  e  1 "    n  e ed  i  :  i ':    a     f  r  i  o  n d  ,     s  or;i 


eone    to    t-'ll:    to 


ince    the 


ti 


'  i  i  r»     \ 


/o    used     (:o    sf^end     to/^ether    wis    now    e--ipty 


l^^ir  tier:  lore ,    ho    ,^;o  t    into    the    h  dvi  t    of    not    cnniin":    when 
he    said    he    would     uid    1    liad    a    ritlier   difficult    time 
ovorcM-iin":   my    an '^or    -'.bout    broken    pro'iiises,     nrrticni   >rl 


from    himVx    trusted    so    much 


i  th    only    a    T>ayphone    three 


fli,,hts    down    at    "ly    disposal      tnd    not    possessin/^    th'^t 


ci 


any    friends,    ^    did    not    hive    the    opportunity    to    replace 


the     time    reserved     for    him     ind  usur.lly    fell     into     -n 
abyss    of    oin])tiness    and    an    awareness    of    loneliness 
whicii    drcjvo       in    feeLin/^s    -^    i^refer    not    to    remember. 


-    170    - 


r 


■o 


-    1  71   . 


'Y   0    WA.S   Tilts    ::\N' 


\rs 


'Yho    xv'.i.'i     tills    i.i  111    i      loved     ,il  trios  L 


;^ro     t'lnn    vw    o^'n    father' 


'h.it    broii,'7ht    hliii     no     the    point    of    .sorMid  ,  n  •:    his    ti.ino 


'ncr.v     iDfl    '-loriov     for    mo 


Con  1 


It    bo     th 


t    I 


v/v  s    on  1  V 


a    symbol    of    -..m  •  tover    ho      li^Tlit.    Iiavo    roa  I    or    ho  >  rh 


about     l:ii(?     nor -)  ocn  I,  L  on     of     lows     in 


:iany 


Up    K'S     lis     onriosit\'    aronsod     hv    so(Mn 


a    vonn 


'.v'or.ian 


I  i  on 


in 


lo  tol     1 obb V     i  n 


1      I  IM 


1  ,  •  I. 


I'  to  rnoon 


rv  i  n '  •    to 


t.LSO'!     in 


s  o 


J  1 


oo 


1  t 


^, 


orMc.'M    sooiotv    with    its    oroindicos    'is 


to    v/h     u    on,  (\    s 


o 


ill     ov 


o  1 1  1    i     not      t  i 


o 


^<■  r-\  -1  Tvi    h  c    wan  ted 


1 ) 


1  n  i    o' I  t     f  ( •  r    h  i  'Tiso  1 


:i   ido     r;i\- 


1  C 


1  I  I  i  n  t  ■  1  n  c  <"! 


nd 


1  n 


V  i.  tod    ;-i- 


o r    .1     lunch 


11  s     \/.  I  s     a    rav'    o 


s  M  n  r.  1 


;i  n  o     f  (^r 


i.ic      irid,     Jespito    \\\\     r     tiior     'inltovl     'anjs' i  od;7G    of     i -n  :1  Lsh 
!      tool:     this    r>T>no  r  funi  t  V     t.o    dosoribo    nini     the    disu'.tc^r 


1 1 1 .'  t.  C     not     Oil 


1   ul     ijc 


f.il  1 


V     f 


:iM 


i  I  V  ,     bn  t.     tne 


on  ti  re 


Jo 


Wl  -S  '  1 


lOT-)         1 


ti  on     in    '  ronn  ni 


Shockod    \-i\-     t.'iO     tiiin/rs    -•-     to  Id    hii;i,     ho    ni/dit    liavo     folt 


<)    nolle' 


!         ♦ 


UO      1  IIV 


t  i  ,  a  t  o     or    d   »     SO;  '.••  tl  1  in. 


on      II  s    own 


p 


I 


«^  H 


%  «»•• 


&. 


M 
I 


f 


?4 

• 


!di  r  t  1  cniioi'*. 


no    n  1 


in  s  t    coino     f  r-')M 


*^o;:io 


1  n 


tiiorc     for 


oc^r     • 


d  von  r,:  ir 


o     I  o     s  o  o     t:  1  o     ^  o  n  o     I  1 '  i  n 


.in) 


•/  ; o r o    ho 


ri.L 


n'V-Icd    ■.'!  til     tho    crowd        n  i     h  n 


100  !  id    to 


t    .'1    rd    I  r  o 


ro     t:h o     -  OT  'O     n 


Ovi    w    o    bios  sod     tl  i  i:i ,     'Hi  on    ho     told    mo 


t;  lis     \\o 


\.v 


od     thit 


!  thou'di    boin'.    a      T^otostant 


ai* 


no 


ro  1  i  ' ,  L  tju  s 


f o  1  t     to    chod,     .'IS     if     "lifo    li      I     choson 


hii;i     to    do     a    rood    dood 


ti 


1  o  s  o    \v 


r  o    tho 


or 


ords    ho    usod 


W    I 


ich     i     disti   .ctlv     ro''otiibor,     Ini  ;,      lid    not,    '-loan    anvtiiin, 


r. 


a 


-    172    - 


-    173    - 


to    no     tlicn  ,     ( '11  '  V    voirs     lator,     \;lion    noon!  n      isicc<l 


no 


nbout    i-iy    ro.>nwo,     i  i.    occiirrod     to    iio     tTtt    '^orhnps     tliis 


c  I  .'■>  ' '  > 


1 


ir 


a 


liio    I  opo    iiotivt'?d    \\  in    into    'ict.  i'^n 


il     in     l'>a('    1 


irriciontls'    viiTi     Li)    boliove     that    he 


1  i 


t  -vor 


iv 


for    iiKj 


Chnr  1  ie    \-:  -^ 


born     In     lrf7b     ;ti 


'I    r  '  L  '-i o I 


in    "^iticinnati 


n  L  o 


a  .s     the 


so 


o 


.  r  r ; 


n     .  ro  los  tan  t     if:r:.i  .  .r    ti  t;s 


'1  tliiKi/:.!     lio 


c  a; 


J    i     no 


po  \, 


I     r  J  u  c  n  t 


r  ■  in    no     i.  i  iioa     t.o    \}:^o    nis 


^iejrci.Ui     vac     h 


n\    .  rv    v.'honc  va'  r    a 


I  ^     ■ ) 


apnc 


ro'.l    to    no 


m  Louchod       bv      ai  tisctni  ..is. 


1  n  c  (i    no 


o    iii'vht    h  ivo 


con  si     (vr''i    ::io     La 
ho     1  i  .voi     to    as  o  , 


bo    a     .in- 1    of    ri    "  L  ;n(h*>:;innn '' 
""  or    hiM    "^norir  i    was     tao     Inn 


m     o  Kni'o  ss  i.  on 


i  •     n 


rooM  ("^'n 


cC    plonl 

1 1  O      I  ' )  V '  •  I 


<) 


f       oabi.'iJj  t  i  (?.s    ao'l      '    haven     for    the    opT>ros.=^e(l 


cri. c.'i.    - 


1 '  (; 


o  t    into     t'lo 


r;  Mai  t.    b' I  s  i  1 1  o.«i  s      iTtor    iin     ri!rishod 


col  1  o  ,(' 


•ini'r  1.  o 


'A'  ''Oil 


*a}     riT^CCJ 


h  ( M 


1       i       'SO 


1  in     1  !i 


iM  r>     no    vmn     in     Mis     » >i 


r, (icau!     tir.io       v/i  th    a    son    i 


c:o.l   1  r-  "-o 


1    L  \'  i  T  1 


L  n 


i  zo'i     i  r.    rinna  f  lo  to  r  i  n 


t'  X  f:  I  n  5 ;  I  \'  r: 


h'-bn  {    oi  to     rnid 


o  von:i  n  "*    .":o\-;n  s 


')  I  nlvj  n 


( 


is     ■ ! o     s  r I  I  f 


]  )      tbn t    rm  f 


"lors      ii'o 


ino'  in*"*'!*  to    :-'.pond    i.oro    iMonoy     t"    brin":    out     t'noir    '1     o'dita^rs 


tb  at     w'aai 


)0\' 


)  ..    nari'  i  o 


t     ]oast      tw'ic*^      i    voar    b<-^    nse<l 


t    .       t  i^    '  VO  I         to      ^UJ'0!'(! 


V  1  s  1  I L  rn'     \     n    con 


rs    of'    tb.o    Maute 


(a)n  t.'  I  ro     la;     i  m 


X  tr  (Van",  ai  to    oria.Ln  al 


r'^ncb     1  ''.  ca'  s 


1 1':  1  irm 


I  ! 


V  I    '-^  \v'  i  s  .s     t  a  !  1 


v.'b  i  cb    bo     tb.  on    nrc^OT")  tavl 


t' 


\\  I. 


ens  to    ers     in    n  i  .s 


1  e/:    ri  t 


.s  ao\i.'roo!n    iai    "ov/     '  ork 


-     17^4    - 


To    adjufit    tiiese    rovns    for    tlie    Ai;ioricn.n    nuirkct    th 


ev 


!i  iri    to    })r   -•loliricd    soTnov/'i.it    in    tlieJ  r    l:'vir;h 


n  c  3  s  ,     s  n  n  h    t  s 


sini]vl«?r    o-.bru  fiery  »  less    mnt^rial,     ropl-xcin.T    innntnora'^  i  e 
hoolis    x.'i.t:i     -^ipnor?     uul     tho     llko,      \   inodcl     for   v;hich    ho 
n  ;irl    ,•    ratlier    1  ar-'^o    sum    could     thus    hr    ro!->rodnco<?     for 


an     idocji  )  to 


on  CO 


To    do     this    H' ICC  OSS  Pull 


y    Tor   his 


olito    custoiiors,     such      .s    I'-orTdorP      .od<l-i    ti,     S<ks    5th    """ve 


Noinidi    .h-rc'^s    or    .';  '     uiu,     ho    h  .d     to    h 


vn     I 


thoron.'di 


i<;nnv/l  ofi/ro    in    rr  n  v    wiv. 


>  • 


Chirlio    livod     i    coiu  for  t  vl^lo    life,     oi\joyiri',     the    s  it.is- 
r-ict:i')n    o  i"     ioin  -:    v/oi  1  .    ^^o    was    a    i<er>ub.lic''ui    hut    not 


politica    ly     ictivci    nor    was    ho    in    any    way    reli;':;! 


ous 


ilo    1  ovod    ;;    drink    hut     n^^vor    ,':o  I    driinlc,     i'.iunacu]    -telv 


c  i  o  :n     in    •  Ic^Tit    but    discroot 


ctot:'>os,     stand  in,":    3  '  1*^ 


v;i  th    clo.r    blue     oyos  ,     thick    hloti'l    hiir    and    a    hit    stout, 
lie    made     l    >':ood    impression    with    fiis    r-^'dv    s«nilo    and     thero 
v/ns    not    n    v/titor    in    any    rest  I'lrant    v/ho    <'!{  rl    not     jump 
v/hon     they    saw   him,    ^^ne    could    s^o      't    a    r^l  anco    that 


Char]  i  o 


n    of   nio  u)s,    ^*o    (»u  joyod    .spondin":  iTionoy 


frooly,     vot    Mf)     alsr)     hid    put    so;  lo    nionov    -isifle    vi  tii     th 


dosiro     to    do 
.11    ido  I    th  it 


onothin,;;    ono    day    wiiich    v/  -s    worth    whilo 


le    ill  f'l    \»'eeT^    who 


1 1    'v'o    v;oro    in     :    trixi    /Toinr: 


to     tho     nJ     CO    waor'^    -^     W'S     t,o    he     inLornod,     ^-/'non    ho    liolrl 

my    han'l     ti  ditly,     say  in/:    dosr)er  i  te  1  y  : 

''   vll    r:iy    life    i    saved    :iioney     for    m    import  vnt    dood    and 

yet    no\/    -^    ain    'no  1  yi]  oss  ,  .  .  ,  " 

i/hcn    ho    c    :  .e    to    see    inc    before    i  o  'vin;:    i'aris    lie    said: 


I  hn 


oin. 


to    Pi;;! it    now    -    dont    yon    \-.'orry 


ti 


-  1 


75  - 


.n'l    x-.'ith     this     sttornont    ho     locpcno^l   my    trust    in    hi 
A7'ilcii    com  fort cl    mo     in     tho    fiitnre. 


Ill 


lint    tiion"  11  To "     closod     the    'loops    >)*^^twno 


n   u 


inoo 


1 


w  is 


5>liipj>o«l    ^/ith    thousaiKl    of    oth<*rs     t-)    the    c  \rr»p   oP      Gurs    in 
tho    1  yrenieii.     There    was    no    I'ldress    Tor   liim    to    ''rot    in 
touch    with  nc    ">n<l    I    couJH    vrito    only    in     'une    -    after 
i'etain    shoolc     ii  tlor's    !i  »n'l    t)   nake    a    pc  rco    treaty      -    to 
a  distant    uncle    in    Nev/     loriv    who.",e    address    my   mother    had 


in  a 


iled      nie    hororo    wo   were    cut    off 


in    11 


y    r  ither    youthfuj     optiniisni    -^    had    docidod    les'^al    or 


iilc'-.il     to    lo:ivo    this    c  imp    not.    J    i  tor    than    .Snpt(?:.iber    an*-! 
therefore    indicated    jn     tho    iettor    to    my    nncle    tho 


A'iior.i  can     lOxpross    in    iMce 


s    mv     iddress 


\fter    ^ii  >    die    rocolvod    my    nnclo's    phono    call    to    ":ivo 
him   iTiy     i.cUircss    ho    be^.an    Jookin>;    for    a    lawyer     vnd    then 


tried    to    mail    me    some    uionoy.     Ho 


wt^ver 


since    the    Nazis 


occu[)iod    i^'ran'-e    the    US    uovornrnent    did    not    any    J  onj^^er 
permit    the    dispatch    of    dollars    to    I-'rance,     Bnt    since 
Charlie    vms    a    .'^ood    cistoiier    of    a     -'^/ir.s    m  inn  fac  turor    )io 
nana/red    for-   mo     'o    '-^et    tlic   moncv    thron;:h.    Since    i    could 


o 


rily    leave    tho    c.i    y>    with    the    proof   of    h'vLn;;    e.i  thor 


monov    () 


r    someone    lo    live    with,     tiie   c  d^le    T    receive'1 


/7  ive 


10    tiie    cliance     to    J  e  ive     tho    c  imp    and    c;o    to    '.ice 


-   176   - 

At  the  time  Charlie  triol  to  nrran.'-e  a  visa  Cor  ne 
uho  mood  in  ^Vjnerica  was  sti.l  I.  oversiiadowcJ  by  tlie 
econoriic    rocoverv    of    the    '}('>*  s^ 

In    l'*3^    Uoosovolt    ai'»pointe(l    a   4uasi-^Vf)vcrni:ien tal     r,roup 
with    tlie    idea    of   dovcJopinr:    refu/:oe    policies,    a    f^roup 
cabled    "The    i  residential     Vdvisory    *^on!!iittce    on    lolitical 
Refu.'^ees"     ( TAG )    Ue  flee  tin,*;    the    inclinations    of    its 
chairman    tiie     ;roup    worl^ed       "  cu'i  tionsly    behind     the    scenes." 
( I),  ^. './yinan  ,rhe    Abandonment    of    the    Jews,    P. 313)    It    was 
a    presidential    com  littee    yet    it    received    no    "government 
f'unrls,     tlms    its    uncertain    financin,":    was    one    of    its 
wealcness    in    Tunc  tionin/^    ePrectively, 

Moroover,     the    per  v-^si v^*^3S    <^^    anti    J3emitism    Jiirinj    the 
late    3^'*'^    <^'J    throu,;h    the    war    was    confirrtied    by    piiV:)]ic 
o;>inion     colls.    'I'lius,     rescuin,'7    Jews    at    that     tii:je    was    a 
rather    con troversi  tl    issm^    even    to    be    officially 
discii.5;od.      ;lthou,'^;h    mcKst    "'•nioricans    were    bro  i.'^ht    up    to 
believe    that    '^urone    was    safely    distant,     for    some    the 
continuous    flow    of    news    about    conditions    under    -'itler 
and    :!ussolir»i    v/ere    be.^TinninT    to    be    a    cause    for    alam. 
lowever,    most    ^>eopl  e    (wi  th    some    ♦exceptions    of    course) 
were    stilJ     far    removed    fro:n    re»1izin,T    tVio    tremendous 
ari:7uish    which    we    were    all     facin^*;    \m  ler    Hitler's    fist. 

Charlie  '»s  \n  experienced  traveller,  v;as  f amiliir 
with  the  conditions  in  ^urope,  but  also  was  aware 
of    tiie    attiiosp'nere    in    the    -states. 


-■WWgliBg 


*% 


«   177    - 


«  ! 


lie    liius  t    have    Icnoxvn    ti.at    he    v/tnil«l    liivo    to    find    soMieone 
rather    spccia.1     to    lielp    him    in    his    intention    to    bring: 
me    to    the    --^tatos# 

Tin  for  tnna  tely    I-    do    not    kjio\;    the    details,    but    I    roineniV)or 
that    he    introduced    me    to    an    -Irish    lawyer    in    liis    Park 
/ivenuo    office    whose    'girlfriend    came    to    (Charlie's 
f.-'.ctory    Co    fit    some    olal)orate    evenln^c    .;ov/ns    v/iitch 
seemed     to    bo    pa    t    of    "^harJie's    pi\TJent     for    Iiis    norvico, 
fiowever,     there    is    no    cioubt    that    this    -'-rishnan    must    )i  ive 
been    shrewd    enouf^h    to    find    out    about    the       resident's 
/advisory    ^oniniittee       and    the    chajice    of    approachin-T 
someone    important    in    that    coiiunittee    who    was    suffiontly 
adroit    to    ,70 1    me     i   visa,     -^Ithou/;'!    this    was    ]:)roV)ibly 
.illo,']:al,    it    scrv  -d     its    vurj^ose    to    r,a  t    me    into 
tlie    States. 

ii^hilc    wai  tin;':    in    Nice    for    Vichy    to    issue    my    exit    visa, 
(Jliarlie    reserved    and    paid    for   my    first    class    boat 
ticicet    leavin;:    fro'n    Vif^o    (Spiin).       his    meant    tliat    I 
also    n«:edod    a    Spanish    transit    visa    which    w.»s    Imposiiblo 
to    ;:e  t    without    .lo(;al    docu'rients, 

Tlius    -    as    ^^liirlic    told    me    -    lie    invito  !    the    Spanish 
Cotisul     for    a    luncii    at    the    i'laza,    whicli    probably 
intri;',iied    the    Consul:    Th.at    an    ■"■•Morvcan    hnisinessman , 
married,    of     i    aoi.iewh at    ol'h^r    vinta-.e,     a    protcstant, 
was    tryin;:    to    help    a   Jewish    refu,':ee, 

(;f    course    he    co.nplied     tn<l    J     received    ny    transit   visa. 
i''or    what    price?.'       1    dont    know    and    Charlie    never    told    me 


-   178   - 


i 


-     1 


/9    - 


Tho    tric!:y    p  irt    '>  f    this    entire    otjer.ition    was    to    h  ivo 


the    exit    visa 


in     ti!Jic    so     tho    otlior   visris    v;(^'ild    not 


hav^e    eKi'iro<l 


aiy    ooin'nittc«l    suicide    in    this 


•aino 


since    Viciiy    for     icric    reasr)n    or    other    wonlil    (hi  ly    the 


oxi  t    vi  sa3 


■>  • 


Thu; 


1    hid     to    have    my    oxit    visa    in    time 


tOi"-ethnr      with    to     Spanish    transit    visa 


u'eJ  1    as    the 


Ai'ieric^m    v  i  s.i. 


II 


i-iinco 


11     visas    had  ^'lo  I'l  1  i  no    it    actU'lly    was       n    act 


of    fate    v/iot:er    or    not     tho    plan    v/auld    succeed 


•  •  •  • 


I     sup'^o: 


It      TO 


OS    u'jthout    sayin,::    that.    Charlie    enjoyed 


liis    triumph    trcmendon si y     that     ,     despite    all    odds 
he    h  id    succeeded     to    .".e  t    nio    in    to    the    '^tates. 


1 1    v/as    ri 


ye  tr    in    ^'ebrn  \ry    that    his    curiosity     to 


SCO 


the    1  opci    brou.'Tiit    h  ir.i     to    "^orne    w 


here    his    fnelin/rs    that 


life    had    clioscii    iiim    t<>    do    a 


"Toai 


1    deed    wore    tri,":,*:erod 


throu  ,h    a    i  opo    s    casuai    j;«?sturo 


In 


Pic 


ly    19'K>,    desi)ite    tiu?    hi  <ckouts    in    I'aris,     the    windows 


taped 


;ainst    i)Ossible    honibin;':s      ill    over    to\>m  ,     s 


oino 


stores    clos 


ed     il  to.^e  tlier 


V^i 


larlie    decided     to     return     for 


the 
the 


isOW 


raid  sea 


son."     Instead    oP    the    usual    boat  trip   he     took 


tt 


cli^^^^or"    -    tho     first    co'h'i 


erciaJ     airlirio    ))etwoen 


iork    and    Lisbon 


or     '. 


tnin    born    in    IS78    it   must 


h.-'vo    been 


torri Cic    sonsition.      ^nd     then    after   havin 


SI 


ich    v.rnnderf'il    days    with    "le     in       a 


ris    ho    v;as    so    deeply 


novod     that    he    cried    hecanse    lu^     ff?lt    hoj  pie    s     ta    holu 

:-;y    disappp    rarice    orobabl  y    v;orriod 


Mio    in    ny 


l  s  t  r  e  s  s 


h  lin 


lui  t    lie    C)  iltl    not    do    rnu 


oh  about  it  until  he  received 


in 


y    ;uldross    witi»   my    uncle's    plione    call    s-ich    in    turn 


-    l80    - 


luotivatoci    iiiiu     to    use    His    conrioctlons       s    well    as 
money    to    succeed,      'nee    i    h  kI    roic'^e*-!    ''.'cw   'I'ork  ho 


was    keen    on    .'^liou-in/' 


mo 


his"     Am e r  i  c n  :     'ris    car 


tlie    finest    nirThtclubs 


res  tan r  in  ts 


fTl  o  \'  1  o  s 


shows 


and    concerts,    drivin,".   nu'     iltnost    everv    weekend    to    -i 
diCTcrcnt    :)i.ice    such    as    Atlantic    ^ity,     rhi  ladelMhi  n 
Bear    Mount'iins,     the    (^atsivills,    Montaulc    and    the    like 


i\'o   matter    where    wc    \/erc,    iic    ordered    the    best    f 
v;i  th     the     finest    v/ines    or    ch  irnpa-^^ne. 


ood 


ij 


id    ho    wanted     to    s;uil    liieVV     i''or    wh-.t"       --    ur   did    he 


just     try    to    do    wh  1 1    he    rnl^dit    hivc  ton  r:ed    to    do    for 
many    vers    —     to    t  iste     the    .'^ood     life,     wliich    ho    was 
abJ  o     to     if  ford    now    md    could    not    do    so    !")revionsl  v? 


(n    t!'o    other    hand,    my     tnmnltnons    past    \v'i  tdi 


fu  turc 


that    v/as    nn  tire.ly    in    the    d  .rk    :»roventod    me    from    con- 
soiin,*:   myself    witli    these    activities,     it    was    nice, 
1    w  ts      :r  ttefnl  ,    but    there    were    too    many    unanswered 
qiestions    disturbing;  my    loneliness    for    which   ^harlio 
Sf.'omed    ti->    have    no    unders  t  >nd  in,'!". 


i'or   me 


the    trar.edv    of    i  ear]     tiarbor   was    "a    relief 


since    -^    was    convinced     t  lat     the    -Hi or,    ;;ould     finally 


brin  .    an    end 


c> 


these    luibeli evab] o    atrocities 


Conscqaon  1 1  y    1    wolcoiied     tiie    war    ilespi  te    J.  ts    restrictions 


-  Jyj_,  - 


l\syc)iolo,':ical  1  y    onr    rol   itirMiship    rersotibl  erl 


a    55  0. IS  aw 


'nen 


h  irlic    u 


swim  11  n, 


in    h-i-)    ine-.s    \»'hilo    trvin"- 


to      COM  i'oV  I 


\:i  t\\     the    nianv    In 


X!iri(»s    MLS    :nonGy    f?onlcl 


l)uy,     I.    wr\.3    broixlin/T    about    w!iy    tli< 


Jlio.s    wonlfi    liesitnto 


so    Ion  .    not     to    .•;  itiply    cut      atlor'.s     tbrorit 


Now    a    yo  t    later,     ^fiirlLo     f'c  ire-l     for    hi 


s  vorv  '^xistoncn 


\v 


ilc    -^ 


v;;i^ 


ort}    or»  t  in  L  s  tic 


t     t'nc    s  Kio    time    onr 


rcl    'tionsMlp    ci    n/'orl 


\  n  t  o  r 


UQ      S     -O 


i  t    a    /:ro  •  t    do  1 1 


u'    tii.  e    t'^'vothor    cuJrni- 


na  t  i  n 


n     tae     triM    to    I'^l  or  i  d 


1    'Itirjii 


On  as     ti    c     In    hi 


nev/    1.  incoJ-fJ  •  i'vow    in     tac    .itnosuhoro    of 


war 


ail 


"ClU 


each 


otaer   d  .  i 1 v    wh  i lo 


v;or":in  :    to-other,     the    sonsation    oT    boinr: 


to/cetl!cr    had    worn    off    for     liif 


i  nco    -^    1  ivod    al 


one    lie 


was    ,ijl     I.    ;i;'d,     a    ratlior   di  f  f"(^r(Mi  t    aitnation    Tron    liim 


v.'ao    t;ot    only    h.a  1    a    fa'iii.  ].y     iti'l    .i    huni 


nc. 


but    was      lis 


o 


rooted    itero    v.-i  ta      ill    ai.-s    nrLvilO'"es 


Moreov(^r,      ly    .sMS|iicion     taat    ho    r.ii-^ht    b( 


nl  '  vin.'-    around 


\<.' 


as    con  Tj  I'liiod    v/iiofi    he    suddenly    dLsai)pe'red     -^r)*]     left 


me 


alone    on 


ev; 


car    s 


ev^e ,     r»bout    which     I     cornpl  linerl 


Ivitterly    in  letter    to    r.i y    niother    to    v/hic'"    nhe    renlied 


•  •  •  • 


men    do    not    have    the    sli/:htost   unders  tan'in/^ 


w'l'vt     Ihis    !;»ea.ns    for    r 


n  i    11  ov.'    nrorr)undlv    it 


r  rents    us.     ,/e    should    value     t    eir    acts    d.ifTerentl 


because    th 


o?]  t    kno^.'    wh  't    thev    do 


Thev    just    dont    ,';rasp    it,     "e     >re    rn\:    su  frici  en  t.ly 
slrnnle'     —    v/e       ro    over    sensitive,     forever 


aalysir)"-    -    nonsense    -    it    i.iikes    life    onl^' 


more 


colli  -licated 


•  •  •  • 


mmm-' 


-    182    - 


A   Sunday:    with    a   student    from    Chile 

'It   is    a   universal    condition    r^r    *.v. 

believe   in    the   existenL'\°"r  I'd^^^^HT''    ''''''    '""^  '"^"'^  -st 

r«t   nave    a  mysterv    fr.   ,««,. 

^-^*.c?xy    zo  move   in    " 

^•C.    Maxwell 


-    1 


83- 


So    I    livc<i    by    tryin;:     to    coinproiTii  «;e  •        Hiore    v/cro    still 

bociutif^il     flowers    on    certain    days,     at    tines    lie    took 

n:e     f^or    'ILnnor     -nd    occ  «sioiial     trir>s    <»rj    woelcnnrls, 

ilowover,    ^    w  i:^    iricreas  In^^l  y    nn-ble     to    continue 

t'^osc    cn<lle.s.5    lonely    ov«;nin,':s,    holid.ys     >nd    weeiicnfls, 

VloTie    in    my     Ptirnished    pi  -ne    «•]  t!i    nothing    to    do, 

no    tolerihono,    no    pimo,    j'lst     i    Jittlc     'M   r.-^dio,    1 

folt    t^ic    n«^cc.'jsity    to    enl -ir^r'*   ny    life. 

i'lms    the    acqtiain  tancos       t    the    Intern    tJonal    iioiise, 

where    1    had    I'v    -^j)  nis-^    lessons    wi  t!i    i.  el  id  a    nov; 

becafie    '-ly    frien<ln,    v/ho    1     vmtld    ^late,     ^ho    war   was 

cor.ij.n":    to    an    end       nH  ,     to    my    .":re'.tost    do' i'jht,     the 

Amori  c  i-'iF.    v/ere    in    i    iris    - 

/ind    t'ton    l.'ier^    wore     the    lef.tors    of   v,\y    Vielove<'    inot'^er 

who    wro  tc : 

"•...    .Iwiys    when     l     was    in    doe-)   worry    about 

yon     '     felt     issnrcd     t    at    ^  on    liivo    tlio    !ie-'d 

and    lie    rt    in    the    ri/dit    snot,    and    t'^erefore 

you   v/ore     il^le    to    .jui:ip    over    tlie   wall    on 

t!)e   fhirl^es  t    days    of    yo  ir    J  i  f  c  • 

My    b(;l  oved    darl  in  - ,     how   many    thJ  nf;:s 

yon   haci    to    survive    alre^idy ,  ,  ,  ,  , '' 


ft 


-    18>    - 


SOMC    0[^    TI»:    CAIM'UONS    I    COL  I.IOCTCi)    IN    >'Y    'JiAUY       T    TT!     riM^: 


-    ^4     - 


.*».^.       -^ 


Xv'      •*   J    '  Ix    lr'^'ii^,.' 


I; 


■.< 


»M«l/t 


iwUki 


'y'fe' 


lis  is  the 


I R  Ha 


V. 


AHTIM**\HOE  HLLR    AND    ANCOMA    DHF.VV    MONOCI   EH    r^  A  Z  I 


'ei 


a 


-    186   - 


am 


r 


i>r<ii  s  >n[nr 


/.lis). 


-w*^ 


^^^%« 


<)     1  |{V.M  «» — I  III    />  /irii  (//i/»/M»f  icri*  rii  i<Kiriirn/i). 


IXI     I'fl/I 


/    f«  //   ttlutluT  hr'H  (I  tlitrk 


iiir  sc   M  I  r  /I 


r/i   11  /ii/c  >l 


ri/i«'«i  «»r  (I  u 


hit* 


littr^r   nilli  tItirU   >trifn- 


NAZI   MIMSTIIl  ()I     l.<  ONOM^    I  I   M\ — I  In-  K(ini:tiruu  (Mnrsiipiiis   hntihrtiftt  ti 

III-  iiinLtw  liifi  jimijty  nitli  i/*i/j/,>  puitn- 


I 


.r> 


M  \  r  ^11 V 


(       |M    I    V  |\_7'.     f^'tl 


f,    f<trnll 


lift   tit 


flflfn"-4'  ' 


-  lob  - 


-1    •- 


JAP    I'HI  .MII,|{    -|O.I(»_/7„.  f„rl..,„  (Curnlln.   Inf.,,,,!.). 

I',il>  his  fut:-,  in  ,,ili,  r  j,,  ,,i,l,  \  ,,,  -.1., 


cs 


C^AJO         *>^-^        VKkXc^rX^ 


(,i  Js    /  hr  ham  >. 


t*' 


-    i 


\ 


«  r  rCui**.^ 


d\  - . 


X 


V 


# 


IMKKHi:   LAN  AI.~//m.   Ua.,wV  (/•/,„  sn,,./.,.). 

>/r«/.H  vivr\  llu„fi  that  .sl,i„rs. 


1 1 


hi 
1-1 


B 


r. 


r> 


-    1.-9    - 


A  T(m;:i   u/tm  t:»;:  i'  .s  i  : 


iirin,';    in    ;iy    tmclo's     bo.'.u  ti  f^i  1      1  i  vIttt    room    DVf^r— 
.looklJT  V     tl\n    Hudson    T     rernonibor    l.hc    nionion  (;    whon    nnme- 
one    •.r.':<'d    no,     i  r     1     kn«^v     that     'osoph    '-^cln/.-ir/,    now 
1  i v M ;     in     X o v/    York, 

Tlio    nnclo    v/  •  s    '^-rwin,      in    *^n  ■.  I  i  F^hiri'in  ,     w'loso    TrniTl- 
r    tlior    v^is    y\y    ;;ranr]  f  n  ther  '  s    l)rother.     ^c    was    m.irri  ed 
to    'Ictty    \.'ho    h  'd     fmir'     1    u,";htf;i's        li    :\    bj.  l     yonn^or 
Him    myself.    -^     only    mado     thoir    .-\cmu  •  i  n  tancc    in     the 
19^u's    v;iion     1     wc\s    in    1    -ndon,      t  t'\' i  rj  •,     to    soil     a    diamond 
I'in.":    which    ins'    broUior    in     liw    h  -d     .'^nnij:.:lod.    (vit    of 
I  rermnny  • 

oincc    ii'v/in'.s    brother     ind    sister    v/ere    rti  si  clans    and 
i:iy    r.iothcr's    chll    ihood    fri'-nds,     i     v/ori  t     to     them    when 
L    needed    help,     "^rndnal  1  y    we    b<>c  ^rie     fh'iends      'tid    I 
;:rcw     Ton  i     o!"    tlicMr    dan/yhters. 

The    qMo^tinTi    eorieorniiT:    -Jose'*!!    '"''div;    rz     To  1  t     1  i  k»^    a 
boJ  t    nf    1  J    :ii  ten  i  n/:    since     1      issoci      ted    !iim    i':riod  i  a  t  e  1  y 
v/:i  t!i    'ly    -.ot'  f>r,     !)  ich      md     hovio,     he    v;aM     a    '^issian 
■pr.  f  i";oe    v;ho    used     to     1  i  v^     i  ri      WmM  in     trinrin/T    the    world 
wi  til    iiin    son    PI    i'"Ln,'.     the    viul  in.      "!ii1i»    in    oni'     town 
tliov    stav'ed     in     onr     ipirtmnnt      irid    my    mo  the?'     md    i 
harl    !>i    "'o     1  (»ssons     rro;.i    him,     whiJo    his    son    r^rxve 
le^>sons     t<^    Kiy    sister. 

I'^irtiiornore ,     i     r'^c  »l  lo  !    a    pi   .no     tr  uiscrLpti  on    dor?ef">h 
•5c1iv;t'/,    made    fr  >!r.    an    oiv'-n    '.vork    u  \cli    h.\d    transcribed 
f  r  "  I    Vivaldi,     Years      i.-o    when     L    i.io  t    v\y    m    thcr    in 
^'.vd  tzeri     rid    ^    copied     it,     conseq-ion  t  J  y    .studied     and 
nl.i.ved    it      I    VoM    tui.es    before    an    audience    in        -ris. 


IU(.   <;»)Kimi:i.S— 77ir  ll,n,l,r  Mnnkry  (Vur.iMH  mnfnsnr). 

I  '     /..../    -      ill..-     ,,     ,,:    I,,         l.t,  I     ,\     ,,     ,,,,,,,/,    . 


-   190   - 


My   unci  c     ■rv.-i  n    v/i  i.h 
his    v.'i  fo    iiotty 


r 


-     TM     - 


Ilov;ovnr,     no;;     ill     this    seomod       1  i  ko    n    tni  r.-i.^rc , 
Jofionli    *^chv/ir"/     rocriv^'l    mo    \/.i  th     :\    1m  '7    sr-iiJe    -i 
fo'.v    fl-\'s     1    -t'^r      -n  1    -^     t  I'  '11(11  V     tol'l    lii-M    that    T 
h.ui    a    C(Mn'    or    ^i  is     ^^ic'i     t  r  in  sci' i  :W:  i  on  ,     llo    hncl 
m'!''o    rovisLons    sinco    t'lo    first    \'*^rsion,      itt'I 
SM.'^^os  t(Ml     tlKit     -^      '<\(l     thos(?    ch  irr^os     to    my    noriy. 
^'■.1  thou  '.h     1     Ivifi     r^von    np    pi    >  v  i  n  •;     tl^o    :>ir->tin     Ion-: 
Ij'M'orn,     !i(3\;<'Vor    i     l>lt    r-iotivato'l     Lo     fol  low    his 
Siv.'TCS  tion       H'l     v/rMi  t     a     fow    tir-io-S.to    *!is    honso     to 
co-'V     cho    1.1  i.nvKscr  1.  p  t  , 

'.I'hen    my    roi  it-ivcs    sav;   niy    on  thti  f.i  .•sin    on     finlln,': 
J<).'i<">h    ^c.lwrrz    .L";i'.n,     thoy    pr()po;iO'l    th'\t    -^    nso 


tholr    T'i     no    \;:iil''     t!ioy    w-^ro    o 


n    V'C  •  t  i  on  ,     T 


acco'-to'i     thoir    off^er,     ))ut    thn    ol'l     oxcitornont 
;.'ts    tMis.in-'-.     *\atJior    it     fo  1  t        s     if     1     f.rio'l     to 
nonotr  vte    ;i    sphorc     tf)    u-hir:h     I     h  "1     lost     t'-'o 
nri  V  i  1  f^'To    of    ontr\'.     r^rastrntod    ani    d  i  saoMoin  tod 
I    aba.ndo!i('  1    -d    'Vin.-^     t'io    piano. 


■^0!:io  w'l  lit-    1    1  tor 


\/ris     1 


nvi  t;"(l     to      i    honsf*    nonoort 


o 


w.o  I 


^.  or    "^''is.si-in     f'T'i/^no,     idiTJ       h.lstrdn,     vh  o 


innrf)'nnod    !:ic  to    his     fri'^nds    as     .1     "iMUsi  ni   ai ,  " 

My    0-0     i'lmncd  w  i  t,h     Joy    -    wh  v    di-!    ho    sny    this'' 

ivoj  nc  tan  t  ]  y    ^  rroriies-ed     t'nat    -^    n(j     1  on  :or    '>!    !yod 
anviiioro    -    'nil       -opirontdv     it    did    !iot;    .son;  ;     t.o    rnatd.or 
to    c'in\a;nc. 


-    19 'i    - 


Youri  ,     a    cellist,     was    an    older   '.i  tri    v.iio    socnicd 
ini.ere.stcd    in    ,'Tettini":   me    back    to    music,    iioJn,': 
n    ^Hissian    rof\j;:ee    ho    s  iw   my    problems     rrf>«n    a 
dirforcnt    i^orsnective     than    nyseJ  f    sinoo    his 
exr)crionce    of    living   viprooterl    had    been    miny 
ycar3    lon.'Tor.       bus    he    tried     t.o    c«:>nvLnce   mo     that 
he    would    facilitti.e    viy    pltyin,':    the    y^iano    by 
r,ivinf^   nie    free    co    c'mti':    sessions,       nd     that    for 
little    :;r)ney    ho    wo  -Id    Jot    nie    h  'vo    a    snail     room 
behind    his    kitchen    where    -^    o^nld     i)nt    a    rented 
ui>ri::h  t . 

-^inco  i:iy  landlady  would  not  permit  mc  to  have 
a  piano,  it  all  seemed  i^eifect  and  so  1  bo. 7:011 
to    i)r  iccice    a^^'^l'i* 


-   193 


f 


-    1 


9^ 


Tho    ii    r'len    hour, o    of 


my 


:n;:Jish    f.-nii  ] 


in    i  ondon 


n 


My    niotlier    in    Leeds 


T 


'  T 


^ 


It    wan    19''Ot     pe  ICO    was    in     the     '-ir,    I    had    learned 


to    sj>o  'k    some    better    ^n.'^li.sh     \\\ 


1    ^ 


p  '111  :v\ 


KorJcinrr 


rive    oi;;ht    Iiour    divs    in    "^h  ir  li  f '  .•,    factory,     v/Iiile 
enjoy  in,':    the    ti     e    with    ''Rlida     it     the    -^n  ternatioanl 
lloti.se.    To    my    iio  tiler's    S'tisf  iction    -^    h  \d    esta- 
blished   ;;ood    rol  ^.'ti  on  shi  ris    with     fa-ii  1  y    members 


and 


as  particuJarJy  proud  about  r.iy  renewed 


tics  to  'nusic, 

Charlie    was    hnppy    to    hav(»    survived    the    v;orst    by 

nlun.cin,':    b  icic    int')    in  ikin,".    woddin/.    dres.ics    anrl 


hoste.ss    ,":ov/ns 


while    evenin.^   drosses    be.'^an 


se ! lin 


1 1    ^'■t.  • 


iu:    in 


i.'^er    t')    I'oturn     to    ''urope 


h  >rlie 


loft    on    a    I'.ot    v/eekend    in    dune,     aslcinf^    an 
clressm.aJver    to    t  il<e    nh  ir/^e    of    his    business 


J-tal 


1  an 


-^    took    the    opportunity    to    ,':ive    him    tho    a<ldress    of 
my    relatives    in    London    and    notified   my   motiier    of 


his    v  i  f,  1  t 


v> 


n    1)1  s    re 


turn    ^h  trJie    told    jne    hov;   he 


had    l)oeu    impressed    wit)    my    family    s    .''^onerous 


hospi  taJ  i  ty 


l)viousJy    \\\o.    Mieetin.'T    v/as    a    success 


sine:'    he    went    tf)    dinner    armed    ^/ith    a    bouquet    of 
roses,    *L'    roi  ttives    invir.ed    him    b  ick    to    t'ueir 
oie,':ant    h')i:ie    for    otdier    visits    wlienever   he    v/as 
i  r\    I  ondon  • 
On    the    sane    './eekerul    (Jh  trlie    harl    left    for    1  ondon 


went  io 


the  beach  with  a  cousin,  './here  -'-  made 


r 


-   19  3    - 


r 


lOb     _ 


fn  n    () !'    ■  M  ni    si  t:  L  i  n 


'  Ml 


111    1 


)  :  •  r 


I  1 


1  th(^n"-li     V] 


o  ro 


:ks    rin    snn 


n  '.n  :- nous    t. 


r  f  •  c  ( )    111  '/  o    I ; ;  V 


•  '  n  1 ./  I  ■» 


0'/t^\'  o  r' 


v '  ■  w     r  t  •) 


C  ('       111 


<>:i     (>'  1  r' 


■r\v    b  !cl; 


(irii  1  1  \' 


>  r*ri  1  V.  "• 


s  1 1 '  1 '  i  o  n  I  \'     r  o  1  t 
■^    f  I  i '  1     n  I  ^  T 


Ml  rro  f    \: 


.ic)i     1 


I  > <) ' 


1  CO     n 


I"  o '  I      I  p ;  "> 


1  e     ■  i  t  1 1 


>C    'rr-f 


c  ()  vo  rf 


.1  \' 


*'  V  «'  s 


Il'l      1     'L 


n';<'n     in 


>  I  s 


1,  CO     r  '  I  s.i.  n 


I     v.'i  "  ii     sv;e;  i  1. 


n 


o ;  I  1 


fV  1 


I  <>  I'      n 


wvi     V 


)"n'i    'M 


V  sol  r 


ri      th  o     ("1  ()  n 


1  oc  CO  r        i  ■•    no 


i'  I 


t  o  M 


n  'Ml 


so<i    i 


r.  f ' 


ro  1  I '  rri  O'  I     to 


1  I. 


I  < )      St. 


1     r  1  1  '^ 


ri  s  i;  rolv  o 


vo    1  ;e     s  [.  T'on 


1  n 


1   .  d 


r  I o lo  r 


T'ossni  '  I- 


.Of     111    '-1 1. 1  r*  ■  f  ■ 


I  1 


t.li  o     o'  M  t,  o  r 


1    '.n 


t.  ho 


r»,-i  t:  LoriiMi  licor      ni'l     oLliors    -      i.  !     i-  ''i'     t 


i    t  '  1      •  p  I  O  .S  t.  i  nil  s 


f.-n  t.  I  ',•    nn    OIK.'    Iiul     ttio     c:' >'i  I'a  :o     t.-'.iii    .    <l''cisions 


and 


■(;  rv 


1    '.l     L 


o     r  I 


t    loins  o  I,  \'» 


o 


t   M  (M    I' 


>ons  1 


1)11  i  t  i  o 


IKMI 


1  '  I']  J.  c     Ff  I'  1  rno« 


j)r  I  i  s  O'  1    ;.iy 


i  1  1  o  I  one  y    r,'i  i  s  i  Uf 


-\  V 


o  a  o  (^ 


*<. 


\      w 


r,.i  I. 


)r'  «niso 


•ruiri.''f' r'      i:i'l 


t  v 


lO 


5-'(   .-     v.- 1.1 


t  lio 


t  i  ]   •  t    1  o- 


].l 


I  vo     ';!(>       t,'  1  1 


.sn:n      \. 


n  i  n    \;hnn    Iio 


L'^a.<t 


X.    b 


O^  c- 


\ 


^i  r 


v;on  t    (Ki 


t  r  i  t 


L'n.  \-''     I'TTir 


1     ' ! ()  '   1  : 1  r^s 


\      '  o  t       o 


>  1 1  o 


I  .  '  (  M  1       I  )  M  T; 


To  r 


i;e     L  I 


r)  ro     i  ::i    o  r  t 


i.-i  t 


[ipji.'iro:  1 


Ll 


'  am  <■ 


f:  r    'In 


J.  o 


i  ,  '.11  L     /',  1  V 


or:  o      It 


>o;  i<  1  oiir  o     ;  r<  )t:i 


Ci 


It'll 


.1     ho; I  ■  -ll    ■  1 


( ) 


> ' .'  ( ;  I )  1  I  '      Vi^   ^  (^'^  r.  r 


\       t  '  ■  ■  I  t 


T  u  •      '  O   O        \  , 


i.iir;:  i  ti  «mi  (, 


■ly 


io".'     \;as     s  ()!.iov;l  I  a  t,     clon  h^h: 


0 

f 

0 


t^^^^ 


-  iy?  - 


Jp 


still    without    lo.^al    clociifnen  t  s ,    'ly    husband 
sornevhoro    in    .'vfrica,     the    "tionownoon"    './i  th 
Chnrlio    fie teriorated ,    my   mother    far    away,    T 
had    never    seen    ;ny    sister's    three    children    and 
now    they    were    movin/^    to    I'ri  1  es  tine .    !'y    father 
v/as     Tone    nrv]    with    hinj    all     t)i^    irisurance    policios 
he    had    carried     for    our    safety    as    v/oll    as    his 
money,    factory       rid    houses    which    the    Nazis    ohli;;ed 
hir^j    to    sell. 

"lireslau,     "homo"    with     ill    its    "  trinrdn/TS''    soomed 
to    h  -ve    dJsappoar«>d     from    the    nia|)    and    1    did    not 
even    dare     t»)    think    of    all     those    L    Icnew,     whether 
they    have    <lied    or    survived    somewhere. 
Thus    the    peace    so    niany    welcoried    did    not    brin.^   mo 
any    coiKiol.  vtion    -    life    br(^ke    my    future    into 
pieces,    s  tri  i'j>in,'T   i'»o    of    every  tlinr:    1    had,,,, 
vniat     to    do?? 

iJesi)ite    these    depressin,T    thou,'7hts    my    youthful 
optimisi;:    brou.'jht    me    to    the    conclusion    that    I 
itr.ist    find     the    strenf^th    to    compromise    i,e,    to 
cn^oy     today's     'sunshine"    le  jviui'^    the    future 
to    fate. 


'^f'^*^*^E^^^^'^'*S!W^%l*flf''' ' 


-    198    - 


•i:.-.--Wj  ~ 
^  - 


•  i  « 


iLake  Mew  York^ 


.  *>^.      •■■■    .  .  ■^J 


"»r  1  »    »-■ 


-~— —   ^a;*;^ 


the    beautiful,    sophisricatrd 
gra    When    they    walk    wah    grace    on 

I   IX>NT    1.IKK    t:.c.n;   in   ni^^ht   club., 
.Where   they   ber.uvc   unnaturally   and   arr- 
ioud     a^   U.ou;;n    they    wer..-   airaid   U»ai 
somebody  wouldn't  notice  them. 
i. 


By  UERNAIIDO  CARLOS  ALEMANY 

^Ar^nuno   Wn,.,    Now   Uvm,   U,  Now    York 


I  LIKE  the  correctly  dres.  .-d  bu.sine.s.s 
men  »n  the.r  luxunou.  Wall  Street 
oiiicca. 

^here  ihey  eat    so  fa.t   l;..-u   tney  don't 
•kiiow  what  they  are  ealint'. 

\     I  LIKK  Uie  plain  ur.prttontioui,  Amrr- 
■d'she.r^'^'"'''"'^     ""'''"     '^*'''    iiouU.ern 

;J  I'l'i"''  *'^*'''  ^'^'^   i.nlcrnaliuiiaJ  re.-. 
'ta^riLm5-w.Uwhc.r  rr.enu«  wiwch  .ourfd 

Continental  manner. 


I  lAKK  the   wonderful  pain  ting-" 'exhi- 
_^bition3  on  Fifty-sevcnUi  Street. 

I  r>ONT  LIIvE  Uic  preview  opcuinL's 

_      wi.ere  evco'Lody  chats,  eat^  sandwiches 

and  dnnk^  cocktails  and  nobody  shows 

the  slightest  interest  in  the  paintings.      • 

-'     I  UKt  the   Staiue  of  Uberty.  which 
I    iiKF    tv  i~-r?  ["''  ^^'  ^'^^^  ^''■^•^^   ^'■'Jl  from  the. 

_U>.„^  tho..    ,.,  Teutro  Co,.,,   '"    Bje„'o:-,^,;,""-;-->:  "KK  ...  neighbor.  Elm  X..'" 
,.>'--Wto:,.r;^.^"",""''./;-ot.nK....:^I[™3j  '''^;^-"-  to  ISSU,  street  via 

-  :t^;"  ";r.r„rr.°"  p"'-''-^.-"  ^'way. 


clubs,    will,    their 


1 

•     I    lAHE    the     r.i;;ht 
wonderful    orchestra  i 

:.     1  DON'T  Ulit:  the  head  waiters  who 

apologue    «Iyiy     ^.e,,,..    ,,,    ^^.^^^  ^^^^^ 

,wadt  IS  reserved,  but  wi,i  ,.-.  you  l^ 

,;.<^a.  you  war.t  if  you  give  theni  a  gooi 

• "'     "-       "        =^  E!      z  —  _   -  w 

!    I  MKE  the  cockliii  r.«„„.,.  wTurUivir    - 
pcr/ect   and   ap.-.dy   bartender., 

jou  tunda.  I,kp  a  .shadow,  another  „or- 
L"vcrvo,r''""  '"'"'  ''^"•-  >■-  ■^''<'--  -'> 


— o.n,.. -If.  -^  -=  •■-'''-;--;ro:r;.roT.t~Aa'n?-" 

.,.'a"-r„',;"":  '•--  -'-  they  ,ro./^-     .  .  ,.T.  ''''''  '"  >'°"  '-'••      "■  ..; 


■-  .ent.  and  .how  then  acli't  ::.;;e:;^  "" 


ligh';'""  '"■'^■"^"^y.  With  it.  wonderful 

"  '-"'ivrj   Lnein   VL'Mon     o  *■» 

-"0".' d'^'"'/"^ »-  .',r^t  t;nr^:v;:".-. 

—    10    rind    out      throu'/i    t      -  ••'>-- 

the    touKh.    in,|,clile    1    '""^w  *>^^lthy  you  are!        ^"^    l^-^^t.oni, 


taxi'dr?.  J      ,       -    '*"••    t""«".    i.n|.clile    - 


t-te,o„  :?ait:';,'',%:'-^>-tough  an. 


;for/a  tip 


I  ••LIKK     fascinating     y 


with    itc    ..r.  .  ^      'ark     Avenue, 

AC^tl-c^drng.,   .hey'sor^v^       '  ^'^'^ 


>■%'< 


-  coL'^'t^  V  "j^^v"   ^'^^<''-ican.s    when    tnev 

^  na live     .;  :  n      /'  ^^^  '^"^^^^^'^^  '"  ^^eiV 
„     native      South    Amcncan    way- 

_•      '   '^'^'■^  thr   magnificenl   thcalre^nor.- 
^.^1   LIKl.   the   men  in    the  audi-- 


--        I   LIKK    the  workHil-.^iria  In   Hn,.     » 
-   rnent  stores  whn  s^,        '  ^   depart-. 

I    DOX'T  I  IKK    fv,„ 
the'customer"  order  toT""'  *"°  "»>°"t 
".eyare;e;?tp::inr."-°'"'"^-: 


/ 


rDON-3>KE-tJ  r.de  in  suhw^.  and  --r-vy'c;;:rc':a,."Lt:  and'w'r"  '""' 
.k  at.UB  «J.and  un.a-j.,r,ed  ,L,  „,     -   to  aa«  20  cenu  for  .  hat^reck,  """'^' 


«    I-IKK    the  sn^art   •     «  I 

SASSr  ~E25  .;■••—=  ■-■-=:  --  £?-.'=r-iiS~ 

that  they  flometimes  for^'-.t  10  get  Off  at  '-'-     I    I  ikf    f^         ,  '         I  dovt  i  ,.  ..  * 

Uij^r  d„tu.atio„.  ,       .  °"  ":- e.a'horMe'-o,  :;3'"'^"^'^''.''""'    *'">   '*>'''-:. '-'taU  men''"  :;.^f;T-''",they  try  V 

-  f- -.   -^    --./'''■„,:--- UKK  the  .levator  .an,  .ho.  '   "'".'"«--  t.he,;^,;:; -Tt^  "'^  .^"'-iT 


«._ 


_I.-_-J^*"":.  "'   '•    t^'KlnS    "bout    baseball        "^—r^ 


r^. 


.© 


-    1  09  - 


AND    M::p:T   THK     pimp:     \.S    it    jiCEKS    us "    Shakespeare 


The    $500.-    that    Charlie    had    e:iven    me    raised   my 
spirit    relieving    some    of  my    fears    about    a    possible 
split,     '•''hile    it    was    clear    that    -^    had    bCfTiin   my    work 
at    the    factory    without    any   qualifications    whatever, 
at    this    point    -'-    realized    with    pride    that    1    had    gained 
valuable    experience,    which   wo  ild    enable   me    to    find 
another    job    if    1    parted    from    ^harlie. 
Like    my    father,    *^harlie    supplied   me    only    the   money 
I    needed    for    rent,     the   dentist,    etc,    but    n^ver    any 
cash.    To   most    people    I    appe  ired    to    have    adju.sted    to 
^"^ew    Aork,    bein^^    in    perfect    health,    well    dressed, 
havinrr    a   good    job,    able    to    read,    write    and    speak    in 
four    languages,    playing    trie    piano    and   having   some 
friends • 

Some    German    dressmakers    in      hirlie's    place    had    left 
£ind    to    fill    their    place    the    asthmatic    Cuban    dress- 
milker,    Marucha,    was    hired,    as    well    as    other   Cuban 
friends    of   her.    This    permitted   me    to    practice   my 
•Spanish    .uid    develop    friendships    w^lich    were    later    to 
prove    quite    decisive    in    my    life.    Ch.^rlie    was    delighted 
since    they    worked    for    less   money    and    better    than 
h  1  s    ^emails  • 

ilowever,    no    one    st^ened    to    notice    that    I    now   carried 
the    responsibility    for    whatever    happened    in    Charlie's 
place • 


"V 


-    200  - 


Thus,    no   bill   was    paid    without    my    initials, 
customers    frequently    called  me    directly    for 
delivery,    often    in   despair   when    they   needed    some- 
thing  special    for    certain    dates    iind    ^   was    in    con- 
stcxnt   motion    calculating    the    time    of    the    vsirious 
sta^^es     to    have    the   material    in    stock,    getting    the 
dresses    cut,    sewn,    embroidered,    etc.    I    was   in 
frill    charge    of    the    stockroom    ordering   the    supplies, 
making    out    tickets,    checkin^j    inventories    and 
distributing-    che    work. 

Moreover,    I    was    also    working    in    the    showroom    with 
or    without    Charlie    frequently    carrying    heavy    bales 
of    satin   50"    wide    from   one    end    of    the    premises    to 
the    other.    L-^te    afternoons    1    packed    voluminoMS 
gowns    into    boxes    the    size    of   coffins,    putting 
string    around    and    addressing    them    while    Charlie 
made    out    the    bills. 

Dreading    the    emptiness   of   my    furnished    room, I    always 
tried    to   meet    friends    or    fcunily^  attend    concerts    etc. 
It    was    rather  distre.sHing    for   me    to    realize    that 
time   and   circumstances      had   changed    that   bcautifnl 
relationship   with   'Charlie    and    -^    had   begun    to    date 
other  men. 

One  day  someone  older  than  the  usual  crowd  sat  at 
our  table  at  the  International  House,  ^^e  had  deep 
blue   eyes    in    an    oval    shaped    face    and   a   heavy    gold 


W 


"V 


-     201   - 


IC 


watchband    hun^   loose    on    his    wrist    as    if   he    had 
lost    a   lot    of    wei^jht    recently.    I    felt    drawn    to 
him    and    soon    wis    coming    to    understand    him    as    he 
told    his    sometimes    confusing:    story    in    a    stron^jly 
accented    l^'rench, 

^is    was    .\ntonio,    with    whom    I    developed    a    pro- 
found   relationship    which    was    to    endure    for   h^    years 
until    his    de.ith,.    ciespite    n    host    of    problems, 
chanr,es    find    challenges. 

Like  two  puzzle  pieces  we  fitted  together  despite 
our  different  backf^rounds  Joining  each  other 
intuitively,  "e  were  both  married  but  without  our 
spouses  neither  of  us  s^oke  a  fluent  i^n,':li3h  but 
French  was  the  second  langxiaj^e  for  both  oik  us  and 
neither  one  of  us  had  "legal"  documents  to  remain 
in    this    country. 

Theoretically    he    could   have    returned    to    his   native 
Portugal    but    psychologically   he    felt   uprooted 
since   ho    lived   in    Africa    the    last    ten    years. 
Moreover,    ho    profoundly   mourned   both   his    parents 
who    had    just    died    and   his    only    sister      recently 
married    for    the    second    time^was    preoccupied    with 
two    little    children. 


o 


H 


-    202   - 


He    hj\cl    an    MD    from    the    University    in    Lisbon    but    was 
washin^j   dishes    in    the    cifeteria    of    the    International 
House    since    this    fjave    hira    the    chance    to    eat,    ^^e   had 
a    joint    bajik    account    with    his    wife    whom    he   had    left 
with    his    sister   in    Lisbon,    but    she    had    taken    out 
all    his   .noney,    iie    was    stranded,    lost,    lonesome    cind 
alone    -    and    so   was   I, 


,© 


•a 

Ul 


^ 


-  203   - 


ANTONIO       (     as    I    remember   him-    ) 


Born  in  Dra€:an9a  (Portugal)  as  the  son  of  a  post- 
master general  -Vntonio  grew  up  in  Lisbon  where  he 
went  to  college  and  certified  as  a  physician. 
Although  his  father  had  a  well  paid  position  he  was 
not  able  (or  not  willing?)  to  fin.ance  a  private 
office  for  Ajitonio, 

For  physicians  without  a  specialty  .jobs  were  scarce 
in  Portugal  since  there  were  not  too  many  hospitals. 
\;hen  *^tonio  married  through  his  father  in  law*s 
connections  with  the  ministry  of  the  colonies  he  was 
offered  a  job  at  a  coffee  plantation  itj  Angola   which 
he  accepted. 

However,  bored  with  the  colonial  life  style,  he 
joined  a  scientist  in  studying  r.orillas,  resulting  in 
a  book  which  was  published  by  the  ministry  of  colonies, 
and  a  grant  to  visit  European  ^003  to  observe  gorillas 
in  cai^tivity. 

His  next  position  was  in  the  jungle  of  .Mozambique 
where  he  was  in  charge  of  a  hospital  for  the  natives. 
Although  he  tried  to  divert  himself  by  doing  some 
research  on  tropical  diseases  and  writing  about  his 
travels  (which  were  both  published-)  he  felt  trapped 
by  the  lack  of  possibilities  to  advance  himself. 
Moreover,  deprived  of  ;uiy  cultural  stimuli  in  the  Jungle  ^ 
he  felt  the  need  for  a  change. 


,0 


m 


-20^      - 


.Vntonio   must    have    re;id    (or   heard)    somewhere    about 
a    Spanish    ophtal  molo{3ris  t ,    ^r.    R,    Castroviejo    who, 
celebrated    as    the    author    of    the    "atlas    of   keratectomy" 
(the   excision    of   a    portion    of    the    cornea)    and 
"keratoplasty" (plastic    surgery    of    the    cornea)    was 
working:    air    the    Columbia    I'resby tarian   Hospital    in 
^ew   Yoitk   City.    With    the    idea    to    improve   himself   by 
learning   a    specialty,    he    thought    of   studying   with 
this   man    in    New    York,    By    19^5   he    had   saved:  some 
money    to    come    to    the    States    and    was    free    to    leave 
his    position. 

Being   reluctant    to    undertake    such    an    adventure    with 
his    wife,    he    begged    her    to    remain    in    Lisbon    with    his 
sister    to    which    she    consented,    ^'^'evertheless ,    he    did 
not    realize    t!ie    amount    of    time,    effort    and    money    it 
would    require    to    become    specialized    in    such    a  difficult 
field    such    as    or^htalmology . 

Nor   was    he    aw  ire    of    **orld    War   II    development   with    its 
Ponsequences    such    as    the    GI    bill.    Thus,    it    took   him 
by    surprise    when    american    veterans    invaded    the 
University,    inclurling    the    lectures    of   Ur.    *^astroviejo. 
With    the    additional    blow   of   learning    that   his   wife 
had    cleaned    out    their    joint   bank   account   he    must 
have   been    at    tiie    point    of   desperation. 


© 


-    205    - 


-    2  06    - 


'ft 


k 


Lookin^^    b;ick    1    dont    think   I    perceived    his    tr  igredy 
in    its    entirety,     since    I    was    so    distracted    by    the 
loss    of    so   many    around    me   due    to    the    Nazis*    So    I 
approached    his    distre.ss    with    perha;  s   more    optimism 
than    was    warranted,    reasonin^j    that,    after    all,    he 
could    Qo    back    to    Portugal    and    (yet    a    job    with    the 
government,     precious    thinj^s    none    of   us    refugees 
could    claim    to    possess.    However,     the    sug'^estion    th 
rettjm    to    'Africa    was    the    worst    advise    I    could   have 
proposed,    ^e    came    to     love     'onerica    and    wanted    to    stay 
no    matter    under    what    circuras tances • 

It    was    the    spring    of    19^6, 

My    days    wero    full:    niy    job     it    Charlie's    meeting  my 
girlfriend    weekly    for    spmish    lessons    at    t>ie    Inter- 
national   House,     going    to    concerts    and    parties    with 
Antonio,    practicing    the    piano,    A    consequence   was    that 
the    piano    was    rather   neglected    since    it   had    lost    its 
imt'Ortance. 

The    rift    with    ^harlie    did   not    hurt    so    much    euiymore, 
but    3/   dont    think   I    realized    Charlie's    reactions    to 
my    intimacy    with    '^tonio. 

In    October  my   mother    came,    (^harlie    had    supplied    the 
money    for    a    boat    trip    <md    we    were    all    looking    forward 
with    great    exciteujent.    '^inco    we    had   not    seen    each 
otlier    for    eight    ye.ir.s    I    was    eager    to   be   with   her 
and    to    show    and     tell    her   everything. 


f» 


-    2(-7    - 


r 


r^ 


\f^ 


O 


"     20S    - 


I    shouJd    h  ive    t;iken    time    off    but    Jid'nt     and    Charlie 
did    ridt     j)ropotic    it    eiilutr,     j)robiibly    lecause    i    had    be- 
come    too    irr'.])or  tan  t    wi  t  a     the    daily    roiHino     in    }i  i  s 


business 


o  nv  mother  was  .l«»rt  on  her  own  (. 


o    see 


i^ew     i 


orl 


V  • 


[•^ir  therrnoro 


'■n  tonic    did    not    spo  dv    my    ^M-ni,aji    and 


ve  r 


little 


n 


1  i  sh    so    wh 


ever"    w  •  s     sin 


into    ^'rench    which    ny    iiiothei'    did    not    hno' 


1 


iH' 


tr  tns  1  a  ted 
i^  o  s  o  n  t  e  d  . 


In     f    <:  t     she     told    i.a,»     that    sh^     f^' 1  t.      is     if    I     wt-re    wh  i  s  nerinp: 

into    .^11  t  o  1 1  i  t)  '  s    e  '  r  H  . 

Then    /tntonio    /;o  t    sick.     Deeply    worrie^i    i    v/en  t    daily 


before    w 


ork     to 


s  o  c 


iin    .in 


.^  I 


o 


:i  ike    ii  !  ::i    comfort  d.)  1  o 


.:>  o    ni  y      .  o 


ther    left     t-j    be    wilii    my    cousin    in    -^ou  th    Dakota 


where 


A 


1 » ■    won 


Id     fin 


I    moro    con/'enial    e  r  v  i  ronnioii  t 


Tlie 


srn 


ail     place 


:  1  e  r  e 


1    lived,     t : .  r  e  e     f 


;i  i.s    u'o 


\' » 


i  tiaou  t 


tele'dione     md    ::u-    woricin,'.     ill    dciy     (besides    bein,";    concerned 


a.  1 '  o  u 


t    Antonio)     did    nc^L     leave    much    ia)^^::i    foi'    in  y    mother 


There    were    other    disappoin  tnien  ts 


when 


I 


»> 


V«J 


\ 


ier 


li  ii  i.'S     i    wrote    with    so    i:ui(di    love    for 


h  '^  r    o  v  *  r    these 


in  V 


ve  :  rs     sru>     re!  use* 


,t ) 


liscu.ss     them 


[dioutiu,-;    ,an^:ril  y  :  "  .Spi-echen    soil    ich    d^rtlbt-r    aach    noch 
(-'-     should     i.  ilk    ai)out     theiii     ta)0  .'  ) 


o  rt 


'hen 


./e 


i-e     to.'other     in 


irne^Tie    Hall    -    insteicl    of 


en  ,j  o  y  in, 


tie    riiusi 


ind    hein,:    with    me,    she    ST)ent    lier 


time 


f   iCO 


I  o  o  k  i  n 


I  re  J 


nd 


s     if    s  :  1 


in     the    audience 


.:>  o     w  e 


I , 


»'      W'  ^'  1 


1 


1  d 


r 


1  n 


a    f ami  liar 


1  a '  1     our    ' 


lifderences    -it    was 


f 


o 


-209. 


1^^ 


not  surprisin/:  that  the  many  years  h-<d  changed  us  and 
my  liope  that  she  might  consider  living  with  me  in  New 
York  was  shattered.  Not  only  because  we  were  different 
she  also  disliked  .\mericans  exclaimin,-::  "everyone  has  a 
dollar  written  on    their  face."  Soon  she  returned  to 
^^land.  •  . 

The  day  my  mother  left  I  found  /Vntonio's  room  empty 
with  bloodspots  everywhere,  and  was  told  thnt  someone 
had  brought  him  to  a  hospital  but  did  not  know  which 
one.  P'oiicked  I  got  a  ^^axi ,  whose  driver  truly  helped 
me,  .and  I  found  -^ntonio.  There  was  something  wrong  with 
his  lungs  but  I  do  not  remember  the  diagnosis.  After  a 
few  days  he  was  discharged  and  told  to  eat  good  food  and 
find  attentive  care. 
Needless  to  say  ^  took  him  home  with  me» 


f> 


-    210    - 


o 


-    211    - 


LIFE   TOGETHER: 


■^  '•T>.   .1i<M 


fN 


f> 


"Et   meme    quand    to    t ' en   vas    ton   ame    reste    chez  moi 
Tu   voudrais    bion    t'absenter,    mais   moi    Jo    reste    en    toi 
Nou3    sommes    devenus    inseparable 
Que   nous    voulions    I'admettre    ou   non    - 
II   n'a   a   plus    rien    a   nier 
Tu    es    a   moi    et  moi    je    suis    a    toi." 

(And    even    if    you    were    to    t^o    away,    your    soul  'remains    with 
You   may    want    to    leave    but    1    remain    within    you 
We    became   unseparable    if   we    want    to     idmit    it    or  not. 
i'here    is    nothin.T    to   deny   about    it    anymore, 
You    are    mine    and    I    am    yours) 


These    lines    I    wrote    in    my    calender    of   19^7    without   the 
faintest   notion    tliat    some    kO    years    later   Antonio   would 
otjerwhelm  me    with   his    constant    whisper   on   his    deathbed: 
"I    love    you    -    I    love    you    -    I    love    you " 

Ttius    in    1V^7    we    be{^an    life    together    with    no   money, 
family    or    furniture,    yet   we    soon    had    a    few   nice    friends* 
Dadly   Antonio    attended    br.    Gas trovie jo ' s    lectures    with 
whom   he    had    become   good    friends    and    who    had    given    him 
permission    to    audit    tuid    ^    went    to    Ch-irlie's    factory, 
now   as    "manager."    We   both   knew    that    ^tonio's    future   was 
nowhere    but    to    remain    in    the    States    he   would   ha'Ire    to 
marry   someone    with   -American    papers  (he   was   married) 
go    to    the   army    (too   old    for    that)    or  become   a   priest 
(which   was    beyond    his    possibilities)    The   middle   way 
was    trying:    to    ch  mge    his    totirist   visa   into    a    student 
one,    but   he    had    no   money    for    tliat,    nor   would    studying 
legalize    his    status. 


Mi^^j^iai^l 


/ 


-    212    - 


u.^- 


ui-f.  - 


RECORDERS  OF 
LORE 


,-COfflNUE  WORK 


The  Social  Science  Field  Lab- 
oratory  in.stiiute  has  recently 
returned  to  Uki^^  r.->  resume  i{s 
research  w5?ra^^.  the  Indian.s 
of   thLs   locality.   This    year    the 

cd   'A-,  h   the   Maxu-ell   Graduate 
f:.^""^    oL-5Zi-acu.se    Univrr.cjfv 


Director  oHhe  Laboratory  is 

S'-ir  iV'^;-  /^"'"^    Chairman 
^.01   LIU:   U'parlnivnltr  Sociology 

.  and  Anlnropology  at  the  College 
«^'?;k     ^.^'^^   °^    ^^^'••^'   York.   Dr. 

'   "d?W^-    ^^^"^^*^y    ^-^    A.s.sociatei 
Director    and    Alfred    p.    parse'l  ' 
.      li^  A.ssLslant  Director  of  the  Lab-  ' 
.   o;-^tory.  Dr.  E:}).:   A-sn.Vv  and 
•   f^-  Par-Jl  aie  nicmocrs^of  tho  i 
.  tpacnm::  ,taff  o'  tho  Department 
of  Sociolosy   and   Anihropologv 
;_at  jjunter  CoDege  in  Ne-A  York  j 

Research  work  among  the  Ind- 

•      J^i!f  .""^  ^^^••''^'^    ^'^^    Mendocino 
coun.y  nri.s  L\"cn  In  prog.recs  b" 

fn.H?/'';;^'^^'''^-''  ^^"^^  ^^34  '.vhen 
under   tl^p   .spon.<;orship    of   Coi- 
•.     umb:a     Univcr.^itv.     th.ev    nru^o 
their  fir.st  field  trip  to  this  ree- 
lon    In    1039  the  scope  of  th-ir 
ac.ivjtirs  was  expanded  through 
the    organization    of    the    Field 
.     Laborau-ry      wi^jch      was      first 
.     sponsored  by  New  York  Univer- 
sity. 

;        Each  .su.mmer  since  1939.  until 

■    ti  rn  •'''u*   u'^  ^'■''  Af;in.sky  came 
to  Ukiah  bringing  with  them  a 
•     different     pioup     of     scient:st.s 
^    and  students   to   participate   in 
the  research  project.  Thiv  years 
,    ^cssion   is   the   fust   to  be'con- 
^    ducted  .Since  the  outbreak  of  the 
V.ar,     althou^'h     the     AsiM<^kys 
came   to  Ukiah  laH  .summer  to 
visit  and  to  do  personal  work. 
The   project  upon   which   the 
•    Fieid   Laboratory   is   en::n-ed   Ls 
.    scientific  :;nd  educatiotial  in  ni- 
turc.     In    the   past   support    f'i- 
iiancial  and  otherwise,  has  been 
provided  by  such  major  educa- 
tional  and   re^cardi   instituti^n.s 
as  Cohirv-ii  University.  th«  So- 
V'"'    He:ev.-    Ke.vearrh    Counc:! 
.    ;..id  New  V  >:k  Univei-.itv    At  the 

T  vjdcd  through  a. special  rc.«^oarch 
.£rant_from  the  Vikin-  Fund 


Including;  this  suinmer'.s  group, 
a  total  of  32  persons  comir.K  from 
20  different  universities  and  col- 
leges throujihout  the  country 
Iiave  v;.siied  Ukiah  as  members  of 
Llie  i'lcld  Laboratoiy.  Tl.e  Drs. 
orii^'inators  of  tKe 

"IliiVi" 


_A^;nskv 


Lab- 
spent  eight  sum 


(>.\ilV;> , ~-c.-.- 

inci'i\r.,d  parts  of  two  winters  in 
the  Ukiah  Valley.  Parsell.  a 
mcr.ibrr  of  the  original  group  in 
193JJ»,  ha^  been  a  resident  of  the 

\  cun'.uumity  for  five  summers  and 

two  winters.    Daring  the  winter 

^  of  1042-43  he  w.is  as-^ociatcd  with 

•  the  Bartlelt  Oil  &  Burner  Com- 
pany m  Ukiali. 

Eight  new  scicnli.sLs  and  stu- 
dents have  joined  the  Laboratory. 

,    this  summ.-'r.    Comir.;^  ^r<'-'^  Lis- 

;    ben.  Portu.i^a;.  i^  Dr.  Li/.  Fcn-cira. 

I  uiiO  is  at  prc.^.iii  eaga'^^ed  m  a:d- 
vanced  anthropoloq:ical  study  in 
New  Yoi'K.    Dr.  hcrreira  16  a.spec"- 

'  iali^tin  trop.cal  di.spa.sc.s,  and  has 
done  c.xtcniivo  medical  'work  in 


iuthcrn  Africa. 


I 


'    ea.stern  and  .Sv  _ 

I  Syracuse  University,  wiiiai  is 
I  iiov.-  .>pon.soring  the  Laboratory, 
;  is  represented  by  Mrs.  Eileen  P. 
I  Kuhns,  of  the  Department  of 
•-Sociology  and  Anthropology,  and 
<*  William  B.  Mitchell,  geographer 
*  and  pholograpacr.  Mrs.  Kuhns 
ronie.s  Irom  Ponland.  OreV'-'n." 
.  MiLchell's  heme  Is  m  Baker^- 
.    field. 

Other  members  of  the  Labora- 
[  tory  are  Florence  Mahl  of  New 
'York  City,  a  fellowship  student 
in  the  Graduate  School  of  the 
New  Sc;hool  for  Social  Research; 
Eugene  Golhn,  also  of  New  York 
City,  a  graduate  student  at  the 
Colle-o  of  the  City  of  New  York; 
Dixon  Bush  of  St.  Louis,  Missouri. 
and  Michael  Feucrs,  of  New  York 
City,  both  students  at  the  Col- 
lege of  the  City  of  New  York. 
Coni^tance  Hanf.  a  graduate  of 
New  York  University,  is  on  the 
tCc.ching  slalf  of  the  Town  and 
rountry  School  in  New  York 
City. 

The  Laboratory-" group  will  re- 
main in  Ukiah  throughout  the 
months  of  July  and  Au-u^t. 
They  h.ave  their  headquarteis  in 


the   north 
Schcoi. 


wir.g   of   Ukiah   High 


,« 


-    213    - 


So   we   worried,    but   happy    to    have    found    each   other, 
trying    to^ake    the    best    of  it.    One   day    ^Vntonio   met 
a   {jirl    who   was    a   student    in    iuithropology    and    insisted 
on   introducing  him    to    the    Drs,    /V^insky(8ee    clipping") 
Doth    were    rather   keen    to   have   Antonio    in    their   group 
to    study    the    Indians    in    California,    a    research    project 
sponsored    by    the    Viking    Fund, 

;/hen    .\ntonio    agreed    to    go   with    them   ^rs.    ^^ginsky  helped 
Antonio    to    fill    out    the    requested    forms    sugfjesting 
that    he   would    go    for   a    Ph,^.    in    -Anthropology, 
Antonio    laughed   at    this    idea    thinking   it    to   be    an 
impossible    task, (He   made    it    though, •• ) 

By   coincidence   my    cousin    living   in   South   Dakota  invited 
me    to    Join    them    to    go   by    car    to    California   where  her 
husband    wc\nted    to   visit    his    sisters.    So   we   would   be 
both    in    c^ilifornia    at    the    same    time,*,,    I    flew    to 
South  Bcikota   and   Antonio    went   by    car   with   ^r,    ''^ginsky's 
group.    We    had    a   wonderful    trip   from    South   ^akota  via 
the    Black   ^^ills,    Denver    to    the   ^rand    Canyon   and    then 
vi^    the   Ghost    Mountains    to    Los   ^ngeles   where         separated 
from    my   cousin    to    join   Antonio   in   Ukiah, 
Together   we   went   by   bus    to    the   redwoods,    admiring    the 
beautiful    landscape.    Six   weeks    later    Antonio    returned 
to   New   York   with    a    shoebox    filled   with    cards    containing 
the    various   data   he    collected.    Officially   he   was   now 
a   student    entitled    to   9    credits    from    the    Syracuse 
University   but    only    if   he    were    to    write    a    paper   about 
the    Indians, 


m 


-  214    - 

To   legalize   his   status    he   had    to    register    as    a   student 

in   anthropology  at    a  university    in   New   Vork.    The  needed 

money    to    enroll   I    supplied    with    the   understanding    to 

return   it    one    day. (Ho   did)    However,    writing   the   paper 

about    the    Indians    frustrated   him    so    that    one   rainy 

evening  he    took   the    shoebox    with    all    the   data   and 

threw  it    out    the   window.    Pretending    that    this    was 

an    accident   I    nished   down    the    three    flights    soliciting 

eTeryone    in    sight    to   help  me    collecting   the  many   cards. 

At    this    point    I    promised    to    help   him    as    long   as   he 

wrote   in    whatever    language    he   chose*    Since   I   had    taken 

lessons    in    i'ortuguese    for   about    a    year   we    finally 

succeeded    in    finishing    it. 

I    then    transl  »ted    the    paper    into    '^nglish    assisted   by 

a  girl    fro  I   Charlie's    factory  who   had    been    at    Fiunter 

College.    It   was    a    turning   point    for   '"ntonio    since 

now   he   received    the   nine   credits    from    Syracus    University 

as   well    as    credit    for  his    "life    experience" (MD    from 

Lisbon   University^    which  were    transferred    to    Columbia 

University   where   he   was    now    a  student   in    anthropology. 

Somewhat    later  he    had    the   idea    to   give    this   paper 

to    the   chairman   of   his    department   who   was    so    enthusiastic 

about   it    that    he   submitted    i t    to    the    Ford    foundation 

who    gave    him    a   scholarship    of  |2.500«..., 


,© 


Ht^U,    J.   tfiHf, 


'o 


-    215    - 


At    the    end    of   19^7    when    1    realized    that   my    life    with 

Antonio   had    replaced   my   interest    in   music   I    wrotethe 

following   lines    in   my   diary: 

"    In    der   Nacht,    in    der   ich    ftlhlte,    dass   er   mich 
nicht   vorla^^sen    wird,    schloss    ich   in   meinem 
^raiun   drei    {:ros3e    'Kl^el    - 

Asche    sah    ich   noch    verstreut   von   dem,    der   vor 
rair   spielte,    Ich    wiisste    es    war   v^oseph   ^chwarz* 
der    tot   war   und    grosse    Trauer   war   in   meinem   ^^erzen." 

(one    nii^ht   in    which   ^    felt    that    he   will   ne^er    leave   me 
I    closed    three    lar^^e    keyboards    in   my   dream. 
I    saw   ashes    still    scattered    of    the    one    who    played 
before   me   -    I    knew   it    was    Joseph  Bchwarz    who   had   died 
and    great    sorrow    invaded  my   heart) 

Indeed   I   had    stopped    practicing    for   lack   of    time    and 

interest.    V*ien    I    abandoned    the    piano   in    Paris   I    felt 

that   under   present    circumstances   my    "career"    was    a 

hopeless    enterprise,    although    ^    thought    that    perhaps    I 

could    go    back    to    it    one   day.    But   now  I    ha<l    an   urge    to 

give    all    my    time    to    Antonio    since    we    seem    to    need    each 

other.     Thus,    after    this   dream    1    gave   up  ray   rented    piano, 

leaving  music    again,    actually   without    regret    since  my 

happiness    with   'Sitonio   seemed    to    fulfill   me, 

"Augenblicke    gibt    es    so    stlss,    so   unendlich   sttss 
Wann   man    in    '\igen    sehen   kann ,    ^o   nichts    als    belle 

Liebe    widerstrahlt 
Und   man   doch    im    2weifel   war. 
Dunkles    Ilaar   umschattet   blaues    Leuchten, 
Alles    sieht    so    ehrlich   aus   und    of fen. 
Man   mttchte    glauben    er    ist    gut    -    er   hftlt    ganz    still 

und    sagt   in    seinem   Bllck 
Was    Worte   niemals    sagen   k5nnen«'* 


o 


-  216  - 


(There  are  moments  so  swoet,  endlessly  sweet, 

when  one  sees  into  eyes  where  only  love  reflects  - 

although  one  ha*-  been  in  doubts. 

i>ark  hair  surrounds  the  blue  e:lcw,  everything  seems 

so  honest:  and  frank  one  would  wish  to  believe 

he  is  good  -  he  is  very  still  but  expresses  in  his 

looks  what  woxxl9  can  never  say.) 


As  described  earlier,  war  conditions  had  changed  the 
character  of  Charlie's  place  considerably, obliglne:  him 
to  move  to  smaller  premises  and  cut  staff,  '^-t  first  he 
had  contemplated  closing  the  business,  but  with  the  war 
taking  a  turn  in  19^2  he  began  making  wedding  and  hostess 
gowns  with  which  we  were  successful  and  soon  evening 
dresses  started  up  again.  Doing  the  "manager"  ^    was 
stock  and  showroom  girl  as  well  as  shipping  clerk  all 
in  one.  Marucha,  the  asthmatic  girl  ^harlie  hired  on 
the  recommendation  of  my  friend  lzabel(the  buyer  from 
Havanna^  was  now  our  patternmaker,  a  trade  she  learned 
which  Charlie  sponsored.  Moreover,  M-\rucha  initiated 
friends  from  Cuba  to  come  to  us  so  the  language  in  our 
place  was  mostly  spajiish,  rather  beneficial  for  my 
practicing. 

As  a  ^ewish  refugee  having  lived  in  Paris  I  quickly 
became  popular  among  Charlie's  customers  as  well  as 
with  the  Cuban  dressmakers.  *e  were  like  a  large  family 
although  it  was  hard  work  for  me,  I  loved  being  in  the 
middle  of  it  all.  Many  buyers  thought  thr^.  if  Charlie 
were  to  retire  ^   would  take  over,  an  idea  Charlie 
profoundly  resented,  although  i  only* wanted  to  make 
him  happy# 


o 


to 
to 


r> 


-    217    - 


Eventually,    when    he   said    to   need  my    savings 
(about    SU.OOO)    I    turned    the   money   over    to   him    since 
I    felt   -t    owed   him   ray    life. 

It   was    Ik    years   now    that   I    had    lived   uprooted   with- 
out   family   in    furnished   rooms,    forever   searching 
emotional    support.    Though   ^ntonio    and   Charlie   wore 
the    best    friends    ■'■    could   wish    for,    I    felt   in    constant 
tension    to    please    both    of    them.    Terror  overwhelmed 
me   when    fixed    appointments    were    not    kept,    throwing 
me   into    an    abyss    of  depressions,    'Hie   calenders    of 
those    years    are    filled    with    concerts,    movies,    invi- 
tations   etc.    but    the   diary    i   wrote    shows    a  sorrow- 
ful   existence. 

Although    Antonio    had   now   a    legal    status,    he   hated 
to    study    the    way    anthropology   was    taught    cuid    was 
still   deeply    worried    about    his    future.    Moreover,    his 
sister  wrote    about   his    wife»s   unfaithfulness,    contem- 
plating  divorce   procedures,    (She   did) 


■O 


As  regards  my  husband  I  must  return  to  events  during 
Vichy  France  when  he  had  found  a  job  in  a  hotel  in 
Agadir (Morocco)  after  he  was  discharged  from  the  army 
and  wrote  me  to  Join  him.  Of  course  it  was  impossible 
to  think  that  ^   would  be  admitted  to  Morocco  since  I 
had  no  legal  papers.  Furthermore,  leaving  the  States 


r 


ri 


-  218  - 


f> 


would  moan  that  I  might  never  succeed  in  returning. 
On  the  other  hand  -^  could  not  legalize  my  status 
in  the  ^tates  since  immigrating;  without  the  spouse 
was  against  the  law,  thus  forcing   me  to  live  from 
day  to  day.  My  husband's  job  ended   anyway  when 
Americans  landed  in  Casablance  and  the  Nazis  in- 
terned him.  One  day  I  had  the  visit  of  a  stranger 
who  advised  me  to  warn  my  husband  since  they  plotted 
to  murder  him  as  a  collaborator, .,.. . 
Later  my  husband  wrote  to  ask  for  a  divorce  for 
which  I  did  not  bl.\me  him  since  it  was  more  than 
six  years  ago  that  we  had  seen  each  other  and 
already  then  wo  felt  like  str.ingers.  ^iowever,  this 
letter  gave  my  lawyer  the  opportunity  to  apply  for 
my  first  papers  and  so  in  19^8  -  seven  years  after 
Charlie  smuggled  me  illegally  into  this  country  I 
went  to  Cajiada  to  reenter  as  a  legal  immigrant 
entitling  me  to  receive  my  first  papers. 
Close  relatives  of  my  husbimd  lived  in  Montreal  whom 
I  visited  at  this  occasion.  They  were  refugees  like 
me, vlived  in  a  beautiful  house,  rather  different  from 
my  family.  It  felt  like  a  relief  when  they  bombarded 
me  with  questions  which  I  was  only  too  happy  to 
answer.  When  i  told  them  about  the  savings  ^ 
returned  to  Charlie  they  had  a  f i t  and  insisted 
that  I  get  the  money  back  from  him, However,  rather 
anxious  of  losing  Charlie  I  asked  their  advice 


f> 


nr 


-  219  - 


how  to  go  about  it,  which  they  were  only  too  glad 
to  supply.  Their  opinion  differed  f^reatly  from  my 
own  but,  comforted  by  their  attitude  ^  did  succeed 
eventually  in  getting  this  money  back  from  Charlie. 
With  my  salary  and  .Vn tonic's  scholarship  we  had  a 
modest  existence  in  New  ^ork.  But  the  money  of  the 
scholarship  was  dwindlinfj  and  that  beautiful  relation- 
ship with  Charlie  never  returned. 

Some  time  in  that  year  a  bachelor  with  a  piano  moved 
right  below  us  which  1  resented,  but  my  landlady 
claimed  that  he  paid  a  higher  rent  them  me.  ^^is 
amateurish  jazz  playing  was  hard  to  tolerate  yet  his 
eagerness  to  learn  claasicftl  music  led  him  to  approach 
me  for  piano  lessons.  Since  1  was  in  need  of  money  I 
accepted  this  task  and  became  friendly,  ^e  had  an 
important  job  with  a  good  salary,  a  chain  smoker,  who 
thought  that  he  might  prolong  his  life  by  making  music. 
However,  it  took  only  a  few  more  years  when  he  died 

of  lung  crmcer. 

Similar  t6   my  connection  with  Joseph  Schwarz  dic- 
tating me  his  Back  transcription,  the  loose  relation- 
ship with  this  mam  had  little  meaning  for  me,  yet 
it  reconnected  me  with  the  past. 


r> 


-    220    - 


It    was    19^*9    -    Life    appeared    "settled"    with    the   war   over 
and   ^    succeeded    in   having  my    "First    Papers"    which  meant    the 
freedom    to    travel,     to    work     md    to    remain    in    the    States. 
HavinfT    learned    to    speak,    read    and    write    a    fluent    ^rench, 
a    relatively   {^ood    i^nglish    and    .some    Portu^^ese    (besides   my 
mother    tonfTuo)    I    planned     to    study    some    Hebrew   since   my 
sister's    family    lived    in    Israel, 

My    job    made    me    feel    independent,    believing    that    I    could 
find    a    similar    job    any    time    should    ^    ever   have    to    leave 
^harlie,     i'his    was    an    illusion.    However,    at    this    point   I 
looked    into    the    future    witti    optimism,    althou<?:h    a  bit 
uneasy    about    the    stability   of  my    relationships    to   Charlie 
as    well    as    to    -'^ntonio. 

When    Charlie    had    proposal    {jettin^^    a    divorce    to    marry   me 
some    time    earlier,    I    knew   ^    could    not    cope    with    it    since 
for  me    he    was    a    father    figure,    ^n    the    other   hand   yVntonio's 
eunbition   was    to    remain    in    the    "^tates,    which  my    lawyer 
labelled   as    "hopeless".    Besides,    Antonio' u   values,    his 
desire    to    have    a   house    and    a    car   wore    irrelevant    to   me. 
My   divorce    proceedings   were    at    a    snail's    pace    since    all 
documents    required    official     translations. 
Deing    t^rofonndly    attached    to    both   men,    1   wrote    in   my 
diary: "I   must   have    patience    and    time    to    find    an    answer      for 
mv   new   (luestions    in    this    life."    VThat   did    I    want? 
Thinking   of  my   mother's    philosophy    th-,t   life   only  made 
sense   by   helping  others,    1    felt    justified    with   my    present 


« 


-    221    - 


lifestyle,    but    hoped    to    live    in    Hirope    acaln    -    perhaps 

as    a    buyer   for   *^h    rlie    or   someone    like   him.    America    seemed 

rude    with    its    particularly   unpleasant    architecture,     the    dirty 


subw  ly,     the    laclc    of    trees    and    flowers    in    streets    etc.    Ch^ 


rm 


and    romance    were    absent.    My    marria^^e     tnd    music    iiad    vanished, 
but    my   mother's    frequent    letters    with    her    ^reat    love    and 
unders tanr'.inf^,    '^tonic's    prof'»und    dedication    and    my    popvu- 
larity    at    Charlie's    factory    overcame     the    uncertain    future 
with    the     threat    of    old     i^to* 

My    present    preoccupation    wis vrheumi tic    pain    in    my    left 
upper    thi(;h   which    -^    could    tolerriLe    with    aspirin,      then    my 
mother  mailed    me    money'  for   my   birthday   in    May    we    used    it    for 
a    trip    to    New    Orle£ins,     In    a    sleeping    car    we    went    to    i>t.    Au- 
gustine   and    continued    by   bus    stopping   in    various    places. 
In    Now   Orleans    we    were    in    a    pretty   hotel    with    a    fountain 
in    the    courtyard    surrounded    witri    pink   mimosa    trees. i\nd    then 
we    had    a    cott'fre    noar    the    sea    in    lUloxi    with    beautiful 
{gardens    cverywiiere    but    felt    disippointed    in    our    expectations 
since   we    thouG^lt    of    finding    so;.iethin/T   lik<=    the    Cote   d' Azure. 
NO    -    i  t    was    not    like    ICurope... 

We    also    worried    about    -^n  tonic's    hopeless     future    an-i    my 
physical    pain.    In    the    fall    J-    re/^s tared    to    learn    some 
^^ebrew   but    cuuld    hardly    concentrate.     Finally    -^    wont    to    my 
doctor    who    snnt   me    to    a   gynaecoloffis  t   but    neither   had    a 
clear  diar,nosis.    In   Boston    1    consulted  my   husband's    cousin 
who    was    a   neurologist,     but    it    was    in    vain    as    well.    Since 
the    ^gynaecologist    claimed    that    -*■    had    some    fibroids   ray 
doctor    thought    that    these    fibroids   might    be    pressing  on 
the    sciatic    nerves    causing    this    pain. 


ft 


'O 


1^ 


-  222  - 

Thus,  on  New  Year's  day  in  1950  I  entered  Mt.  ^inai 
Hospital  v/hich  was  actually  the  be^^innin^?  of  a  complete 
trans fonnati on  of  my  life  in  which  "^  was  {;oin{i:  to  lose 
Charlie,  all  niy  savinf^s  and  suffer  a  drastic  shift  in  my 
relationship  to  '^ntonio.  It  was  a  gruesome  period  in 
my  life. 

The  operation  was  not  a  compl  icated  one  but  during^  the 
recovery  period  I  had  a  brush  with  death,  as  -^  learned 
when  my  speciaJ  night  nurse  stated  with  an  alarmed 
expression  on  her  face  that  t  was  "almost  pone"  and  that 
she  just  caught  me  in  time,  Dut  ^  felt  fine  until  medi- 
cation was  reduced  and  the  pain  which  now  felt  like  a 
metal  ball  under  my  knee  -  was  back. 

The  f^ynaecologis  t ,  convinced  it  was  connected  with  the 
spine  sent  me  an  orthopedist  wlio  suggested  that  "^  wear  a 
tight  corset.  ITie  reaction  to  the  corset  was  a  feeling 
of  sheer  torture  anfl  impulsively  ^    decided  not  to  wear  it, 
rather  to  cope  with  my  affliction. 

My  relatives,  who  had  mailed  me  $200.-  to  pay  for  my 
special  nurses,  now  came  to  pick  me  up  to  live  with  them 
for  a  while,  ^t,  deprived  of  my  usual  life  with  Antonio 
and  the  growing  pain,  ^    had  them  take  me  home  after  a  few 
days.  My  doctor,  who  fortunately  supplied  me  with  pain- 
killers, recommended  that  J-  return  to  the  ortiopaedist 
who  treated  me  by  injecting  some  fluid  into  the  spine* 
This  ^    tolerated  a  few  timo^under  tremendous  stress,  but 
it  did  not  improve  my  condition.  He  then  recommended  a 
neurologist  who  suggested  a  milogram. 


f^ 


-  223  - 


However,  sinre  this  required  a  few  days  at  the  hospital 
the  orthopaedist  thought  a  stay  with  my  mother  in  Leeds 
would  be  preferable  since  ^    was  in  poor  shape, 
H'hilo  preparing  my  trip  1  continued  working  at  Charlie's 
factory,  gave  piano  lessons  to  my  neighbor  and  studied 
iiebrow.  •:>uddenly  an  attack  of  fever  with  large  streaks  of 
pus  in  my  throat  brought  me  to  another  specialist  who  told 
me  to  have  my  tonsils  out.  Hius ,  t  iree  months  after  my 
operation  ^  entered  a  different  hospital  where  the   proce- 
dure ended  with  an  unexpected  hemorrhage,  ^ij^e  a  fountain 
my  throat  sputtered  blood  almost  blinding  the  physician's 
glasses  an(J  coloring  the  white  sheet  entirely  red.  I!e  was 
alone,  running  out  of  cotton  pa«ls  while  the  anas  the  tic 
wore  off,  out  finished  the  job.  I  had  lost  six  pounds  in 
one  day  and  was  unable  to  speiik  for  a  w«»ek, 
In  March  1950  it  was  four  years  th;«t  '^ntonio  and  I  had 
lived  together,  so  a  trip  to  feuropo  presented  our  first 
separation.  *^owevor,  the  excitement  was  overriding  every- 
thing else.  Travelling  not  only  with  my  luggage,  but  also 
with  a  large  wooden  bo.jrd  on  which  "^    hnd  to  learn  to  sleep, 
I  went  by  boat  via  Canada  to  Liverpool  where  my  mother  was 
to  pick  me  up  to  go  with  her  to  Leeds. 

Although    had  seen  my  mother  in  Now  York  four  years  ago 
it  was  the  first  time  that  I  s  \w  our  luxurious  apartment 
(remembered  from  nreslau>  retiuced  to  my  mother's  place, 
^ut  of  four  pianos  we  iiad,  only  one  r.r  aid  was  there  and 
some  furniture  from  our  musio  room,  -'-nstead  of  R  table  wo 


.^y 


.■iiiigiiniiMiiM3iflai 


^A  ^  o 


-    22k    - 


o 


In    front    of  my  mother's   house 


-t^AO 


'^m1 


f    f 


-    22'5  - 


we    ate    at    her   precious    lemon    wood    writinfj   desk   wtiere 
she   had    placed    some    curtainlike    pieces    covering:    the 
shelve^    originally   made    for    stationery,    ^t    was    a    sad 
sight.    She    still    slept    with   my    father's   bathrobe   under 
her   bedsheet    and    wore    the    s.uiie    clothes, 
■^t   niust   have    been    difficult    for   her    to    see   me    rather 
skinny,    constantly    takint^    pills,    Uu  t    -^    was    hap))y    although 
frequently    1    aslcod    myscl  T   how    ^    can    be    so    contented    in 
spite    of    so    much    pain.    Nevertheless,    1    blocked    the    pain 
with   medication,    awaitin/:^   a    visit    to    a    specialist    in    Oxford 
who    was    an     acquaintance    of   my    sister   but    when    1    saw   him    ^ 
was    disappointed. 

The    British    Government    had    awarded    him    a   medal    for    treating 
war   veterans    with    si)ine    problems,    but    in    my    case    ho    claimed 
that    ■*"    should    le.trn     to    live    with    this    condition    and    talked 
about     the    -^ndians    training    themselves    ngtto    feci    anything 
while    sticking   Rails    into    their    arms    -    which   was    no 
ct^risolation    for   me.    he    brought   me    back    where    "^    stayed 
in    his    car    but    di(i    not    accompany    rue    to    the    door,    something 
my    sister's    father    in    law   labelle<i    as    "utter   rudeness." 
My    sister    arrived    from    Israel    to    be    with   us    and        was    so 
happy    being   back    in    "urope    that    I    found    the    strength    to    go 
to    York's    beautiful    cathedral,    iktrrogate    .uid   London. 
Later   -^    flew    to    Geneva    to    join   my    friend    ^^edi    in   Lausanne 
who   had    arr.uiged    a    room    with    a   huge    terrace    overlooking    the 
lake    for   a   very    low    price. 

While    in    Lausanne    I    began    to    have    violent    attacks    of 
diarrhea,     fainting    spells    and    frequently    periods    of 


In    London 


o 


n 


o 


of  paralysis.  ^'Nevertheless ,  .tlniost  daily  ■*"  went  some- 
where to  enjoy  the  unbelievable  beauty  of  Switzerland 
my    father    loved    so   much. 

Suddenly   cruel    reality  broke    on   my    feelin^Ts    of  bein^ 
somewhat    nearer    to    "eternity"    in    the    presence   of    theae 
overpowering:  mountains:    Charlie    cabled,     "undergoinf: 
emer/Toncy    operation,    sugf^est    you    cut    short    your   vacation," 
With    the    help   of  my    relatives    in    ^^land    I    managed    to   be 
at    ^harlie's    bodside    within    2k    hours,    TTie    operation    was 
successf   1    and    Chirlie   had    a    smooth    recovery.    Back   in 
New    ^ork    I     functioned    in    my    former    life    as    best    I    coul4« 
It   was    summer,    1   had    enjoyed    frreat    happiness    in    iiXirope    and 
now    felt   much    better    so    I    had    no    need    to    see    a   doctor. 
But    when    *^harlie    returned    to    the    office    in    September   I 
consulted    a    physician,    particularly    so    because    the    pains 
had    returned    and    even   rnaicin^^    love    with    "ntonio    had   become 
fin    impossibility. 

In   my    need    for    warmth  ^    bundled    a    heavy   blcuiket    around   me 
whenever    possible.    I    had    a    flcuinel    sleeping   ba^   but    felt 
less    pain    sleeping?   on   a    wooden    ch.air   against    the   wall    in 
an    outlandish   position   or   by    standin/r   in    the   bnthroom    leaning 
against    the    sink.    Since    Antonio    was   under    pressvire    to 
finish   his    Ph,i>.    he    often    atterapte<l    to    stay    in    his    own 
quarters    to    study,    ^i  t    then,    more    often    then    not,    he 
arriverl    any    time    .\t    night    exclaiming:  "SUUPRI SE- ,  "    while    we 
embraced    each    other    crying    together.    Although    all    this 
happened   more    than    thirty    years    ago   "*"    still    hear   iVntonio'a 


f> 


"r> 


-    22.?    - 


desperdte    woopin/:   alono    in    our    bed    while    ■*-    tried    to 
sleep    stindin^r    in    thic    bathroom,     as    a    physician    he    'rrust 
hive    knovm    how   deithly    ill    "''    was    without    bein.^r    able    to 
help  me    nnd    ^    could    only    srru^^/^le    with    these    sometimes 
horri fyinR    pains. 

^t    then    sudflenly   !t    was    ^k   a^,^4„-    i    never    knew   when    it 
would    hit   me    ;ani    ha<l    no    control,    '^t    one    point    someone 
su^^'^ested    a    chiropractor   which    ^    followed    up   as    well 
but   with   no    resuis.    "^n    fict,    "^    was    wor^^      after   each 
session    and    had    to    ab.u*idon    the    idea. 

The    ^uban    dressmakers,    seeing  my    distress,    blamed    i t    on 
the    cold    we;ither    .tnd    one    oV    tliem    invited    me    to    spend 
Christmas   vacation    at   her   home    in    Havana,    an    idea    ^ 
embraced    with    enthusiasm,    ^es,    perha;>s    warm    weather    is 
"the    solution." 

But    already    the    bus    drive    to    the    airport    jumping:   over 
potholes   made   me    scream    with    pain,    -'-n    *^uba    everybody 
was    very    nice,     they    even    had    a    wooden    board   made    for  me 
to    sleep   on    -    yet   -^    was    in   misery,    -^omeone    recommended 
t^olnc:    to    San    Uie^^o    de    los    Hanoa    where    they   had    special 
waters    Icnown    to    heal,    ^t   before    ^oin/^    there   ^    consulted 
a    r^hysician    who    had    been    recom'iended    by    one    of    the    *-'ubans 
After    ex  iminin^   mo    for   almost    an    hour   he    dia^^^osed   my 
pain    as    a   possible    t'lmor   in    the    spinal    cord    proposing 
a   milofjriun    soiuethin^^    the    neurologist    from    Mount   ^inai 
wanted    to    do    a    year    a^o. 
He    thouf^ht    that    tiiis    water   wo^ld   not   make   me   worse,    but 


© 


-    22?    - 


had    doubts    whether    it    would    help   me.    ^    decided    to    try    it 
as    lonr,    iA3    ^    was    there    cilready,    ^n    New    ^ear's    eve    ^    dressed 
up    for    the    party    in    that    pretty    hotel,    but    fainted    nnd 
missed    it    all»    i'or   hours    -'-    stood    daily    on    the    torrasse 
overlooking^    the    beautiful    /T'tr<len    writinf^   in    my   new   ca- 
lender:  "^'Od    is    not    a    symbol    of   power   over  man   but    of  man's 
powers,  "(^.    ^romm)     l>iere    was    nothin;^    for   me    to   do    except 
to    QO    to    trie    baths,    wliich   did    not    relieve   me. 
i^ow    "^    was    walkin^j   with    a    stick,    oTten    cioubled    up    with 
pain,     carefiilly    avoiding:    any    uneveness    on    the    /ground. 
-^Ithou^rh    far   away    .Uitonio    felt   my    (iis  tress,    wri  tinf:  me 
an    urtjent"  letter    to    come    home,    /it    the    airport    in    New    ^ork 
I    phoned    an    orthopaedist   my    /gynaecologist's    secretary 
recom»  ended,    but   needed    to    wait,    a    week    to    see    him.    ^    was 
in    a    shcimbles,    at    times    screaming   until    the    walls    shook, 
when    it    fell    like    scissors    cu^^ing    through   my    spine. 
When    -'-    finally    saw    the    orthopaedist   ho    declared    that    ■*■ 
was    an    fmier^ency    case    but    would    only    take   me    on    i f   ^    could 
afford   a   private    hospital    room,    With   my    insurance,    and 
sure    of   Charlie's      help,    ^    agreed    and    the    neurologist 
from    the    previous    year   made    the    milogram. 
■*■   had    a    ttimor    the    size    of   fi    pigeon's    ef!;(;  between    the 
fourth   and    the    fifth   column. 

Looking   in    the    mirror   after    the   milogr.im   ^    hardly    recognized 

I' 
myself  with    huge   wild    eyes    and    n    strained    face.       he 

effect   of    the   unbelievable    painful    procedure    was  .    like    a 


fi 


o 


lo 


-    22«|    - 


thousand    needles    in    the    brain    leavin*;  me    with    prolonsued   very 
fast    breathing    .    .vntonio   was    there    wi  tn   his      books,    left 
for    lunch    and    returned.    That   ^    survived    these    trying:   times 
"*■    owe    to    his    Jove    and    care. 

And    then    oame    the    operation    lasting?    two    and      half  hours, 
■^till    numb    from    the    anaesthetics    the    surf^eon    oxcitedly 
tapped   my    shoulckcclaiminfT:  "benign    -    you    hear  me   -    it   was    beni^  < 
I    did    not    know   whit   bonifrn    was,    but    from    his    voice    I   under- 
stood   it    was    souiothinf^    fjood. 

Perhaps    I    should    add    that    the    neurologist    charfjed   me   hardly 
anything;    for    the   milo/rrain    and    the    surgeon    demanding 
S6,0()0.-    reduced    his    fee    to    S2.5O0,-      when    ^    told    him    about 
the    fate    of  my    family    unler    the    ^^azis.    **oreover,    when    ^    left 
the    hospital    he    arran^jod   a    nurse    for    mo    for   a    reasonable 
price    wlio    lielped   me    in     the    morning:   while    'Sitonio    took    over 
for    the    rest    of    the   day. 

The    orthopaedist    from    the    previous    year    came    to    apolop^ize 
for   his   mistetke.    ^f  he    would   have   accepted   the   nourolof^ist  •  a 
advice    to    make    the   milograni    a   year   ago^  he    would   have   Sfived 
me   not   only   a    lot    of  expenses   but   an    entire   year  of  agony. 
So   I    lived   again    -   but    everything  was    different   now. 
In   March,     three  months    after  my    spinal   o-^eration   ^    began 
working    again    at   Charlie's    factory,     ^o  my    surprise   he    had 
hired    a    woman    for    the    showroom    claiining    that    it   iiad   been 
entirely    too    much    work    for   me    so    it    would    be    easier  now. 
However,    it   did   not    take   me    long    to    discover    that    ^harlie 
had    iriven    this    person     the    privilege    oV   knowing    t!ie    safe 


o 


,© 


lr^ 


-   :.'3©  - 


combination     md    saw,     that    she    hi<i    recently    rtepositod 
relatively    larf^e    snrns    of  money.    -'■  t    had    a    bitter    taste 
to    be    Tuished    into    the    factory    and    forbidding:  me    to    be 
with    the    buyers    -^    knew    so    well,    'Moreover,    ^    noticed, 
that    she    lied    to    customers    on    the    phone    promising:    them 
flelivery    of    clothes    of   which   we    did    not    even    have    the 
material,     "hen    "^    romindod    her    of    this    error    she    brushed 
me    off.    frequently    she    cnrue    in    rather    Inte    or   dis- 
appenreti    at    any    tim«*    for    hours, 

■^n    fact    she    beh  ived    -    and    *^harlie    tolertted    -    as    if 

■^    could    not    believe   my    intuition    and    yet    here    it   was; 
Charlie    had    replaced   me    with    her.    She    was    married,    of 
Italian    descent    with    two    children,    ;i    bit    plump,    snappish, 
defi.mt    and    yet    to    some    flittoring   in    an    artificial    way. 
I    was    stunned    that    ^harlie    cotild    fall    for    someone    like 
that    but    at    the    s.une    time    ■*■    feared,     that    she    was   {^o±ng 
to    "bury"    liim.     ('^he   did)    i    knew    that    to   disappoint 
customers   meant    losing    their    trust,    and    eventually    they 
will    not    come   back. 

That    ^harlio    did    not    see    throuf^h    this    seemed   unbelievable. 
Since    I    was    in    such    emotional    turmoil    I    was    unable    to 
clarify    these    fact    to    myself    at    the    tine    anri    my    working 
there    bee  ime    a    ni/ri^tmare.    However,    now    as    an    older    person, 
Charlie's    behavior    appenrs    to    me    in    a    rather   different 
perspective    which   ^    was    too    youn^^    to    understand. 
After    all,    Charlie    know   of   my    relationship    to    Antonio 
and    probably    felt   deeply   hurt    in    his    pride    to    have    "lost" 
me    after    all    he    di<l    for  me. 


O 


■« 


-  23i  - 


At  the  same  time  he  was  experienced  enou^^h  to  know, 
that  ;in  excuberant  and  younf:  person  was  no  match  for 
him  unless  -*■  woul<l  marry  tiim  vvhich  -^    refused  to  do. 
Thus,  with  the  w  r  over  aid  now  beinf:  in  his  70' s  he 
permit  t«jd  himself  the  luxury  of  f^ettin/r  another  com- 
panion lor    his  showroom  :md  probably  for  other  leisure 
hours.  **orer)vor,  he  felt  I  roe    to  act  this  way,  since  t 
had  been  sick  for  a  long  time  and  lived  with  "ntonio. 
^n  my  present  frane  of  mind  -i-  .Iso  suspect  that  he  felt 
rather  revengeful .( '^To  hell  with  her"  as  a  motto)  which 
brings  me  to  one  of  my  worst  traumatic  experience: 
Since  Charlie  never  supplied  me  with  cash  ^  had  saved 
dollar  for  doilar  over  a  long  time  to  buy  him  something 
special,  which  was  a  gold  watch  on  a  little  chnin  which 
he  wanted.  I'hus,  with  the  first  hundred  dollars  •**  had 
together  Vsome  k^    yc.irs  ago  it  was  a  lot  of  money)  I 
bought  him  that  watch  fr  >iii  a  fancy  Fifth  Avenue  store 
which  ho  used  to  fondle  with  care. 

Now,  about  ten  years  Inter,  -•-  s«iddenly  saw  this  woman 
with  this  watch  hanging  on  her  dress  on  which  she  had 
her  own  initials  engraved.  1  paled  .•••••  and  in  one 
of  the  succeeding  nights  -^    dreamed  of  taking  our  cutters 
huge  scissor  to  stab  her  for  good. 
•^  knew  then  that  "*"  had  to  leive  - 

Almost  every  njorning  ^Vntonio  t  Id  mc  t  :at  ^  cried  in  my 
sleep,  "how  much  you  must  )iRve  loved  this  man."  ^es,  It 
was  love  but  for  me  it  Wcis  much  more  than  that,  ho  was 


ft 


■« 


my    "raison    d    etre."       ein^    so    niiich    older    and    loiowinff  his 
business    -'-    had    pledged   myself    to    help    this   mm    tin  til    the 
end.    Many    of   his    customers    thouf^ht    i.uid    said)     that    if 
Charlie    were    to    retire    "^    would    take    over. 

That    he    would    push   me    out    of    his    life    never    occurred    to    me 
and   "^    was    profo    ndly    shocked    to    ha'V'e    lost   not    only   his 
affection    but   more    than    anything   else,    the    realization 
that   he    no    longer   needed    nor   wanted   me« 
*^owever,    as    1    see    it   now,     takin.T    this    woman    initially 
was    perhaps    not    directed    against   me,    but    selfishness.    *^e 
was   married    but    his    life    was    in    his    showroom    and   he    wanted 
company,    ^nowin/:    that    1    lived    with    'hitonio    he    felt    rejected 

and    tried    to    erase    his    disappointment    by    simply   replacing 
me.     Por    him    "^    had    been    "a    /url    needing   protection"    while 
for   me    he    was    a    "father"    on    whom    "^    could    rely    for    support. 
Thus,    when    he    isJiew    about   my    life    with    '^ntonio    ^    ceased    to 
be    "his    ^^irl".    The    bre.ik    seemed    inevitable    since   he   re- 
sorted   to   innumerable    insultin/j   little    /gestures    to    get    rid 
of  me    coming?    finally    to    the    point    of   offering  roe    to    pay 
for   a    trip    to    Israel    if   -^    were    to    leave. 

Antonio    suggested    that   t    take    this    opportunity,    in    view   of 
my   distress    and    the    long   illness. 

V,'hen    1    left    Charlie    s    building    the    last    time   '''    remember 
being   with    one    of   our  models,    who    envied   me    going    to   Israel. 
Mien    ■*-    expressed   my    feelings    in    co  iparing   it   with    going   into 
a    tunnel    slio    could    not    understand,    of   course,    since    she   did 
not    know    the    circ   Distances .    ^it   a    tunnel    it   was    ,  lasting 


1© 


o 


lO 


-  233  - 

nicuiy    yC'irs.     ITiua,    another    life    bef^an. 

While    t.ikin»T    inventory    of  my    past-childhood    in    ^reslau 
with    all    the    trimmincSt    ^aris    with   a  husband    as    an   up- 
rooted   rofiif^ee   without   direction    except    for  having    food 
and    safety,    ^irs ,    the    concentration    cainp,    resulting 
In    the    exhiliratinfT   experience    of    findingr   a    trustworthy 
man    who    achieved    the    feat    of    smu/r^linf?  me    into    'Viorica, 
the    loving:    years    with    '^tonio,     the    incredible    pains 
and    three    operations    and    now    thrown    out    by    the    very 
person    1    thought    "^    could    trust      -   ^    felt    to   be    a   rather 
old   womcin.       et,    1    had    to    f'jce    a    future    however   uncertain 


ANTONIO 


n 


^^,,.aV  g^"^^y  ^"^  ^«sic  i^ 


-^^ 


noron  ^hai 


BeREL/   flARIANfC.   Ed.H. 


FiaDing  safisfie6  the  ^cienfific  requircmcnfs 

an6  haoing  comp(ie6  ix)ifFt  ail  requxremenf^ 

of  ffte  ^^li^Aam^  Ftas  Seen  elecfeS 


MEMBER 


offfxG 
Jnfernafionat  (^octehj 

foe 
^Rusic  in  ^lc6idnG 


11.11.88 


i-yv 


Pa(( 


p.   (/^-^ 


'^rcfti6ciif 


^«««« 


I 
I 
I 

I 


I  nn  <■ 


;  -  '  ; 


i 

a 
a 
a 


•>J 


S 


■"N 


n 


-  233  - 


T    II    K 


-J 


P    I     T    T 


While    still    r(!CoverinA;-    froiri    yo  irs    of    pain,     throe 


operations    and    dru^TS    tbo    sei^arition    fr 


oin 


har I ie 


addefl    another    iminonse    sadness    in    niy    J  i  To .    In  for  tunatel  y 


1    riovor    realized    that    the    en<ll 


os.s    insults    Charli 


daily    hearted    upon    me    wore    not    only    meant    to    ''debase' 
but     ilr.o     to    doinon.s  tr  1  to    his    dis/^yiist    about    niy    livin/r 
WL  til    '"'n  tonio  . 


me 


ii 


e    felt    youn/v    when    wo    t;;ot     in    l'»ris    enJoyin,T    r.ooc] 


times     to;:othor    and,      ifter-    suoco -^s  f^ul  1  y    brin,':inr    me     to 


tie    States,    del. i jilted 


.•n  V 


reactions    while    s  lowin^r   mo 


.Vmeric  :.    oinco    he    was    niarrierl    hie    riid    not    conceive   my 


u 


tter    lonolines:i    wliich    led    me    to    casual    d-tin/: 


tranqnillizors    .ind     ilcoiiol,     Witiiout    a    telephone    and 
only     i    little    AM    rarlio    in    my     T'lrnisho-!    room    T    dreaded 
the    Ion/:    weeJcends    and    holidays    bein^;    alone    with 


n 


othirj(T    to    do 


Many    pooj)J  o    rcadin;:    this    mif;;ht    qiiostion    why    1    did 
not    join    a    teini)!  e    wiiere    I     would    ji.ive     rr)tuid    company 
sharing   my    Jot,    ^^owover,     this    never    occurred    to   me 
because    psycholo,":  Lc  t  1  1  y    -^    was    not    connected    with 
Judaism. 


MMlMMMIIiMlllllMMI 


msuam 


^'h  i 


-.v^-..-^" 


^..4  V 


f^ 


\{hen    i   met    Antonio 


in 


19^6 


-    235"  - 


Althoui^h   my    parents    went    to    the    temple    on    hi^h 
holidays,    my    father    was    convinced     tiiat    assimilation 
was    the    answer    to    an tisomi tism    and    never    followed 
any   .lowish    rituals. 

My    husband,  al  tlioiich   Jewish,    came    from    u    slirvhtly 
antisomitic    family,     celobratina  Onas    with    all    its 
trimmin^^s,     iiis    father   rather    proud     to    have    achieved 
boin.T    in    officer    in     the    r,erTnan    '^rmy   during:    '^'orld 
War   I.     fhus,    while    livin.T    in    Paris    joining    a    lewish 
or/T  >riizatd  on    was    anat^lo^la     to    him. 

i^'Joreovcr,     when    i    received    my    expulsion    order    in 
I'aris    a   vJewish    rof\if7oe    or/:aniza  ti  on    refuse!    my    pleas 
by    s  lyin^    that    they    first    had     to    take    care    of    those 
wiio    had    icial    [)apers  •  (L  i  t  tie    di<i    they    realize    that    I 
was    in    ^^reator    dan^:er    to    be    deported.) 
-'-n    New    York    depoudcnt    on    *^harlie,     a  married    mem    and 
non-*^ew,    -^     felt    reluctant     to    ex    osn    myself    to 
stran^jers    who    wo  ild    probably    have    no   undors  tandinf:    for 
my    problems. 

Thus,    when    I    met    .Vntonio    in    19^6    "^    was    intensely    happy 
in    endiniiT    such    a    period  I  five    years!)    of   isolation 
an<l    loneliness,    i^espite    what    he    had   done    for   me,    it 
never    occurrr>(I     to   mo    tliat    Charlie    wo'ilfl    be    deeply 
offended    that    ^    woa  1  d    talce    a    lover,    ^  or   my    part,    my 
feelin,':s    v^orc    thp    same    for    him    riespite    mv    relation- 
ship   to    -^Hi  tonio ,  sinne    1    always    saw    in    hiin    a    father 
fiiTiiro    and    not    a    lover. 


lO 


23C  - 


Lackin.'T    tiio    nn<lors  tarxli 


n 


n^' 


for    his    b#*lMvior,     I    hi  \rned 


his    infitu  ttion     for    ^volyn,     th(^    now    showroom    rrirl    he 
had    liirod.     rod.iy    i    know    th  ^  t    ho    wanted    to    deny    his 


age 


nie 


\ik1  edgcr  to  demons  tr.i  te  his  ability  to  replac 


^ittlo  did  ho  foresee  that  this 


wo:n  in  '  s    lies     t 


o 


ui 


customers,  horimhiiity  to  speak  Sp  vnish  to  our  Cub; 
dressm.dvers ,  her  inefficiency  cuid  selfishness  would 
brin,':    iiiin    no    luck, 

*^vent'ially    lie    went    b.inJcrupt    .ind    dievl    poor    in    *'*orth 
Carolina   whore    iio    was    forced    to    live    with    his    wife's 
f.'unily,    who    ho    hated. 

Compounded    with    my    dosiivir    about    Charlie    there    were 
chnn,TCs    in    my    relationship    with   '^ntonio    which    were 
distiirbin^^.    .Vn  tonic's    usual     t*^»nderne3s    had   disappeared 
for   whicJi    -^    had    no    oxpl  -nation    except    that    perhaps    my 
lon^;    illness    1. ad    soiik' tiiin,':    to    do    with    it.    Oblifjod    to 
resist    .Vntonio's    advances    during:    years    of    nain    we    now 
lived    to.^e  ther    1  ilio    siblings    but    his    lack    of   desire 
flis  tressed    me    witliout    knowing?    a    solution. 
Before    leavin,:    Ttow    York    1    wrote    in    mv    diarv: 


Zu    dern    dor      u    bist 


or    seinon    N   men    nicht 


gibt,     zu    dem   der    leitet,    e:ibt   und   nimmt 


fdhre    r.iich    aiif    den 


Oil 


luf   rlass    icli    ndtzlich 


bin,     ftVr   den    der   mich    braucht 


II 


(To    the    "one"    who    exists,    who    does    not    f^ive 


his    name,     to    t^ie 


one 


who    le-ids 


»    1, 


ives    and 


takes    -    ^:uide    mo    to     the    way    \/herc    -^    cotild    be 
usQful     for    the    one    who    n-  eds    me.) 


iMiiMiiiiiiliiiif 


-  231   - 


These    wortiS-so    intensely    felt    th    t    I    wrote    thoin 
in   my    diary    wt^rc    the    resii  t    of    my    idealization    t( 
h.ive    TiiJed    to    be    'isefnl     to    nnyone. 


Since   ^harlie    forced   rie    loaliinf^   my    job    v/i  t 


n    a 


proposcil     for    a    trip    to    see    my    sister    in    Israel 

Vfor    which    ho    woiil<i    pay     to    r,ct    rid    of   rne)    I    felt 

r  a  tiler    uneasy    about    iry    future    without    him,    although 

1    was    excited    .ibout    ,';oinf^    to    Israel  • 

iiowever,     loivint;   ''*'ntonio       alone    preoccupied   r:ic,    but 

I    lioped     tiat    '>erl\a'vs     i    separation    mi.'^ht    re-est  d)lish 

our    for.aer    re  1  a tionshij), 

TJie    plan     for    the    trip    was     tt)    follow    Antonio's 

su/jj/^e;  tion   im  ikin^';    a    stopover    wi  t)i    liis    sister    who 

lived    with    her    weaJ  thy    linsb md      iiid     tlit.vlr    cliildrcn 

in    a    mansion    in    hisbon.     ^>'nce    "iitonio's    sister    con- 

finncd    iicr   wi  J  1  inr^ness     to    receive   Vfir* ,     I    intVjmed 


m 


V    sister    s    father    in    law    that    we    could    meet 


knowin-r    tuat    lie    would    be    there    at    this    titne.    ^ 


n 


re[>ly    he    cabled :"  l>ont    r.^    tc^    that    cotton    merchant, 
you    can    st  i\'    with    us,'      ihis    was    unusua]     for    him, 
not    only     to    cable,     but     to    warn    me    of    '')roble!".s    ahead 
•Vntonio    iuicw    of    a  is    brother    in    law's    had    reputation 
but    thoUi":ht    it.    would    not    affect    my    visit,    -'-    felt 
that     uitonio    w.uited    trie     to    be    with    his    sister    an<l 


-  -ot  - 


(^ 


-    2JJJ    - 


w 


ns    interested    that    I    sho'ild   make    ^    list    of    books 


in    Lisbon 


nnd    silverware   lie    inherited    from    his    parents 


Vs 


it    happened    my    sister's    father    in    law   was    jvistified 
wi  til    his    advice.     1     felt    on  t    of    place    eit     Vntonio's 
sistor    sinre    wo    differed    in     ill    respects    and    they 
had    not    the    sii/rhtost    understanding:    for   my    situation 
So    1    l(?ft    sooner    tiian    1    expected, 

.Vntonio's    sister    wrote    that    sl;e    did    not    find   me    a 
sait.\ble    companion    for    him,    which    quite    disappointed 


him 


I  ex{)ected  her  to  wri  to  such 


lo  t.  tor 


ind    felt 


sorry    for   '"ntonio.    Somehow    she    ditl    not    realize    that 
I    had    suj)ported    Antonio    for    years     uid    that    without   my 
help   he    would    never    have    made    his       h.i>.     at    Coltunbia 
Un I versi  ty • 

Her    sliurt   cableti    and    ten    dollars    for   his    birthdays 
were    an    insult    and    'Vi  tonic    suffered    with    her    coldness 
-    but    then    she    was    all    he    had    as    a    family. 


After 


sT>endin<*   a    few    dtys    in 


''rreece 


1 


arrived    in 


Israel.     While    1     h  kI    seen    my    sister    two    years    a/^o 

in    "^n/:land,    now    we    were    to/;ether    in    Israel,     the    first 


time    for   me,     and    an    overwiie  1  rii  I  n^:    ex!>erLenco 


Since    scho 


lolfl'vs    1    felt    belittled    V)ein^   Jewish 


nd 


thre  'toned    by    the    Nazis,     left    home.     Jlion    I    was    looked 
down    as    an    unwcuited    alien    in    I'rance    anrl  ,    boin/;   without 
le^val    donnments,     likewise    in    the    -^tates. 


uo  - 


-    24t     - 


My    sister   with   her 
husbmd    at    a    reception 


Al  thou/!:li   I    wfis    familiar    with    the    "niir.icJc"    of 
Isr.'iol     thriuit'^li    pictures,     seein.'^:    it    ,':avo    me    a 
fon-.erl  y   nn]cno\/ri    pri^ie,     oxvr'r  I  oncirif;    an    iminonsG 
satisfaction    in    wh  1 1    was    perhaps    "^od's    vlustice." 
Ho\^ever,    since     food      ind    rrruioy    were    scarce    in     those 
days,    iny    sister    nioaneci    witli    the    difficulties    of 
nic'iJvinr:    ends    luoct.    ^•evcr theJ  ess ,    we    had    a   niost 
wonderful     time    witlj    invitations    to    cocktail    and 
garden    parties    of    i.lie    various    "^nbassies    Uiuo    to   niy 
brother    in    Jaw    s    officiel    i)ositi'»n,>    roamin/r    around 
the    coujitry    by    car,     soein,';    friends      md    relatives    and 
pi  lyin,'    ci:  viuber   music, 

■'^11    this    tempted      me    to    remain    in    Tsriel,    but 
Antonio's     frequent    letters    and    the    need     to    lenrn 
Hebrew    for    a   job,    I'jave    me    the    iinj)rossion    that   it 
would    be    too    difficult    for   me.     -'-t    was    not    only 
Antonio    v/ho    drew   iiic    b:ck    to    Now    Yorlc,    btit    the    benefits 
of    th(^    uneiiiployrnen  t    insur  ince,    my    familiarity    with 
Now   York    .-nd    spoalvinr:      n^^lish,    ^^nxiety    about   my 
uncertain     future    weir:hed    henviJy    on    i;iy    mind,    1    was 
constantly     trying    to    m.-dvo    connections    with    manu- 
f  ictnrers     to    supply    wie    wit  i    colJections    of    samnlos 
for    sale    in    New    Vorlc,      *nd    ea/rerly    cntttnr.    advice     from 
friends • 

\fter    three   months    "*"    left    Israel     \.n(\    went    to    friends 


My    sister's    three    children 


o  J 


'4X     - 


in    Lioch  tons  tein      .lul    then     flew    to   my    mother    in 
H^prlmid,     Throu,";h    relatives     in    London    ^    met    '">>rthur, 
the    presifiont    of    .i    pen    arui    innicil    manufacturer   who 
su.'wrosted     to    do   market    research     ior    him,     but     the 
pay    was    a    f)i  1 1  mce  .  ^  -  300.  -  ye  ir  1  y  )    llowovor,    it    was 
an    imoressive    title    rivin.'^   me    the    illusion    leaHinfT 
to    r.oiro  thi  n/:    bn(:t<»r. 

Antonio    expressed    his    disappointment    that,    after 
five    months    of    tr  ivol  1  iti,'^    nnd    bein,':    v/i  th    all    kinds 
of    poo[>le    1    h    d    f'ouna    ?iothin/T    else. 

MirJcot    rose  irch    for   ""-rtijur   nioant    ,Toinf:    to   depart- 
ment    md    stitionary   stores,    buyin;:    '"^nd    mailin,': 
him     Llio    entire    linn    of    ('(junta  in    pens     md    uer^cils 
in     tlio    market    at    the    tinie.     ^    was    to    watch    for 
novelties    whicli    a  J. so    led   me    to    tiie    -ublic    library 
roadin/:    f^rofossiona]     journals    and    wri  tin,'^    ro-orts, 
TiiroUfTh    a    friend    1    obtained    ri    v'lid     li)    and    was 
abJ  e     to    visit     tr-alo    shows.     Hut    it    also    nioant    making: 
out    bills    on    i.iy    own    [)rinted    station  iry,     packa.^ini'; , 
kee[)inf:    trick    of    ex:)cnsos    etc.    -^  t    wis    the    time   when 
the     first    billpen    came    out,     so    -^    was    credited    for 
a    ,'Tood    start, 

^d  thou/:h     th<?    pay    was    next     to    nothin,'-;   i    w.is    {jl  ad 
to    have     t  lis  ,     since    it    was    precisely    in     those 
emotionally    •Irainin.'^    yeirs     tiiat    "*■     found    n    certain 
s'l  ti  s  (  ac  tion    in    such    activities. 


r. 


-  :?^H  - 


Occ  IS  ion  lily     \rtlitjr   came    to    New    Vork    invi  tin{^ 


me 


to    dinners    in    oxpensivo    rest  lurants 


Iways    trvin^T 


to    help   lie    v/i  Lh    .idvicc    and    ^jivinr;   me    a   (rood    time. 
Son    his    brother,    a    tny    balloon    tu  in»i  f  ic  turer    Joined 
my    service    and    there    was    also    a    distant    relative 
in    ^»^u.stralia   who    was    interested    in    "blister 


pack  i/^in/; 


Thus,    my    froeianct*    activities    kept   me 


busy,    v;hi«h    was    s  titnul  a  tin/'^. 

Convinced    of    Charlie's    ne/T-'Ative    attitude 


lid 


not  attei.ipt  to  ^:ot  in  touch  with  him  and,  on  my 
return  from  Israel , applied  directly  to  the  un- 
enipln  yi.ien  t    a^^cncy    cuid    studied    the    -^'imes    adver- 


tisin;:    section 


ince 


had    worked    with    Charlie   in 


the    showroom    .aid    was     farniliar    with    certain     isnects 
of   m  uiuf  ac  turin^   -^    exi^ectod     to    -find    a    larrro    selection 
of    positions,     i^u  t    -^    ended    up    with    a    succession    of 
short-term    uns  i ti s fao tory    jobs. 


The    fol lowin, 


r    in    1953f     Antonio    thou/^ht    of 


DR 


'"''i'O.UO   J.    ij^ 


WE'"  ^^mcri  DEv 


J^-^-^    yi>RRr.l 


i/! 


JJI.O 


}v,v;,-rj'p^: 


<  1.11  i 


'P '"'      r>L' 


liOAD 


CAS'l 


^".EPcICA'S    ?' 


'■'    ^^^'-  VOiC'J   0 


UD, 


llA   T'VU) 


workin,'^    in    psychiatry 


an    Idea 


which    rrow    out    of 


his 


CO 


nnection    with     the     famous    an  thropolo^jis  t 


Margaret    Mead,     'h/    coln'^idence   my    husbanfi's    cousin 


came    to    New    ioric    v^rio ,     for  lorly 


nourol o^is  t    in 


Berlin,    v/as    now   director    of    -\    -'iental     Institution 


r 

-tudi, 


Yci^::  ^. 


D: 


o         i 


^^f    rlobo^trott 


^^onJo    -J 


tal 
Po 


I    rrj^earcl 


in.' 


^''^n   him  to  t 


>    t- 


nd    r>r 


Pll 


'J--    cx-   L 


v::i 


3.n   '.nioric.in 


^j^roQ   conti 
toners  iic; 


rac 
ncn 


0  :•.  c  c 


an  vhcr.  ■: 


1-.  - 


^•."> 


medicine 


Cic/OioTXT. 


.rir3 


o:"'   Vhc  V.-i 


■I .  \^ 


Tu 


!clay{ 


.tTn'^^'^^-^-^o-.-r-i 


-ici 


•^   20:15  Lis 


be 


r»ri 


M> 


F 


On  tho 


iimc) 


^-  V.  c,  .^  V, 


v;e 


t, 


and  ACTII  in  '*         ' '* 


and  Ameri 


treatinr: 


c  U3e 


<.; . » 


fo 


r  voter 


can   rehabilitat 


ri^cu^nntlc 


^'^    corMc 


Oil 


0  /^< 


:n3 


o  • 


ion  }ioc.o-'<-->i,^ 


near    Dos  ton 


ie    was    delifjhted    to    hiavc?    ""Vitonio    on 


1© 


i  - 


© 


his    staff   but    how    he    justified    Antonio's    position 
as    .tn    .tiien    without    workin^'T    pennission,    1    «lont    l:now, 
However ,      Jitonio    wis    h  ip[>y    with    this    opportuniy    and 
i    was    f^l.ad    that    i     could    h-lf)    him. 


But     to    move    with    hi  i  m 


:lid    not    f^el     to    have    the 


stren/vth     uo    overcome    more    ol)S  tides    since    ^    still 

dirl    not    act    ny    divorce,     no     .job    and    no    iioney. 


'ovorthei  ess 


w- 


met    fretpiently    v/i)ich    was    alwavs 


an    event     for    both    o.     iis,    but    our    daily    Jif 
di  f fi  cul  t. 


o    was 


f> 


An  ton  i  o  -a  J  one    in    -«    "en  tal     ^ 


nstitntion    f\ill     of   misery 


r e s  t  r  i  c  t  i  o n  s  ,  j)o o  r 


( >  O  ( 


ro.  icaes 


liiirl    r  I  ts    v/i  th    little 


s  timul.!  tion    .uid    poor    py    was    no    paradise 


And 


I    n., 


am 


w  -3    .ilonc     tryin/T    to    re:;:aLn    optimist,  c 


desj^ite    endless    hours  of    hopelessness, 

liov/ever,     ^    hcid    my    hiealth    a/Tain,     Antonio    s    love 

letters    and    :..y   mother's    concern,    sofiie    friends, 

occasionally    a    job    besides    worlcin/:    for   Arthur    in 

ICn^jlcuid,    -^    finally    learned     t.h.it    an    interview    and 

a    contract    were    mandatory       for     ill     enoloynent 

a;';encies,    r^.eedin/:    a    subscription    of    the    Times 

ideli'/ered    diily    at    7:00    a.m.)     an'i    i:  irncii  a  tol  y 

clissif  yin;3    those    jobs    where    ^    woul'i    h^ve    to    ^'^o , 

to    c  1 1 1    ')r    to    wri  to, 

1    (?nded    up    b(>in/T    listed    with    2iS    a;:encles    who    never 


r.n 


t    in     touch    wi  th    me 


but    wi'.o 


coild    call    if    thoy 


mtmmm 


-    2Ut   - 


advertised.    Althou-h   ±    spoke    ^lirferent    l.infru    .':es, 
Cor   a    Job   -^    was    not    sufficiently    fluent    in    any    of 
them,    music    -    besides    ,:ivin.':    lessons    to    my    noir;hbor 
had    been    forgotten    Ion-    a/;.),     but    havin.-    worked    with 
Charlie    1    tried       to    ^e  t    some  thin/:   in    tho    showroom 
or   stocicroom. 

In    June    193^  t     ■'»    wom  m    T    oil  Jed     for    a    Job,     t'llked 
me    into    *'boin,^    a   m  ma^er    in    tr  linin;:    Tor    some      very 
nice    people    who    would     jppreci'ito    rrre.Jtly    if   T    wore 
to    consi<!er   wori^in^;    for    them." 

hivinrr    w  mdorod    .jronnd    des!»er-i  tol  y    for    more    thnn 
a    vo  ir,    I    consented    to    try. 

The    p.iy    wis    bad:    73c  ts    -m    liour,     from    0-6,     tho 
followin/:   d.  y    fron    1-10    ^m    .md    every    other    Aveekend 
which    was    paid    with    time     md    a    half,    ilowover,     they 
had    a   union,    with    the    promise    of   better    p.iy,    medical 
care^incl    dentist^    and    a    pension    plan,     ^hey    were 
orthodox   Jews,     closing:    ^riday    on    -^hal^bath    time    raid 
remained    closed    all    Jewish    holidiys.     ihcy    had    a 
factory    in    Brooklyn    and    73    pretty    stores    In    "ew    Vork 
all    immacul  iteiy    clean    .md    air    eonditioned. 
It    was    Barton's    *"mdy    with    1 20O    employees    and    a 
ten    million    dollar    yearly    sales,    J- 1    was    not    somo- 
thin,':   i    expected    but    it    was    a    Job,    while    1    wr^s 
looking    for    another.    Moreover,    -^    found    new    friends 
'•nd     tho    sciiodile    pf^rmitted    me     to    rontinue    workin/^ 
for    i^nr:land    presentin,:    an    additional    income.     The 


-    2h}    - 


A 


job   Kie.uit    iTi.ikin;:   adjustments    of    which    tl 


lo    worst,    w'ls 


dcalin/v   with    tho    retail     trade.    Having   been    tho 
victim    of    probJ  etus     md    tra.'^odies    (hirin,"-    the    war 


noodod    a    ,:re;'t    deal    of    pitience    for    Lhos 


wao 


could    not    tlccidc    wnich    ten    cent    bal;       they    would 
like    to    eat    at    tlitt    irionient,    Nevertheless,    -^    adjusted 
/rradu.iliy,    perli    ps    because    Antonio    continued 


t  o  1  J  i  n  ,T 


coiir  »mn, 


;e,     that    this    is    only     i    truisition 
:   ine     Lo    thirjk    of    the    future. 


en- 


./ith    about     '"^'i^.-    weekly    i    <leriderl    on     throe    wishes 
n    furcoat,    visit    niy    mother    in    '"n/:!  and    an'l    a    piino 


J. 


t    took    sGV(ui    ye  irs    to    accoiiii'l  i  sh    t^us 


Moreover,     wi  (:h     th(;     i(imL.ssi<»n     is    a    student 


I  L 


Teachors    "^ollcf^e,     ^olumbia       riiversity    \/ith    69    points 
credit    for    "life    exy)erience     ,    i    wis    on    the    I'o.'iri 


for   another    future 


«.      '> 


i-\ 


% 


„       ■» 


ii 


%  - 


i 

■I 


-    250   - 


THE 


SEVEN 


YEARS 


It    was    not    love    for  music    but    Intolerable    loneliness 

motivating  me    to    consider    playing    the    piano    again. 

I    also    remembered   my   dream    of   closing   three   keyboards 

feeling    that    happiness    with    Antonio    could   only   be 

achieved   by    giving   all    of  myself. 

Another    thought   was    the    possibility    of   supplementing 

my   meager   income   by   giving    piano    lessons.    Moreover, 

I    wanted    to    see   my  mother    and    get    a    furcoat. 

Being   cut    off    from   Charlie    and    Antonio   by   moving    to    Boston 

scared   me,    but   when    I    had    three    raises    in    six   months 

(although   it    was    no   more    than    a    nickel    an    hour)    I    felt 

more    optimistic. 

The    people   working   at    Barton's    were    an    extraordinary 

mixture    of   nationalities    and  mentalities.    Since    Barton 

had    the    stigma   of   using   unskilled    labor,    many   workers 

provided    lonr,    stories  (or   excuses)    why    they   had    to    work 

there.    Although   most    of  us    were    only    too    happy    to    have 

a   job,    yet   we    felt   humilitated. 

Having    thoroughly    learned    a    trade   by    working   in    Charlie's 

factory    and   now   being    "reduced"     to    a    salesgirl    in    a 

candy   store    was    particularly  distressing    to   me. 

* 

Moreover,    I    felt    rather   disturbed    about   not   having    found 
something  more    suitable    for   my    future   although   Antonio 
constantly   reminded  me    of  my   past    successes    insisting 
that   Barton's    was    only   a   transient    situation* 


J 


-   251    - 


The    ov/iiorri    of    li    rton    .s    \ir.Te    rcPn.^oe.s    rri»»ti    Vidin.i    who 

caiio     to       .  w    Voric    in     l'»;3H,     Micii*    succt^sii    he  ..m    hy    m  »kinf^ 

coil  t  i  t!on  t  1 1     style?    cMocolates     in     Lhiiir    kltchon     in 

Brooklyn    ».  licli     tho    I.ti    i  ly    -dIiI    to    st«>rt»s.    ''ijwevt^r,    in 

19!3'l    v/h(in     '     st.irtod    \.'orkin/:,     thoy    Ii  .d     their    own     Pactorv. 

Hy    \;or'.in.^    ovortiine     (at     times    het\v.'on      .  >     jiil    6^'    honrs 

Hcekiyy     '      lot'ie  tiiMGH    h»^l|»d     f    lo    \/ i  n^lowdro  ^icr  ,     1 -^  uUn^^ 

evontnally    of   !ii-.!;in^    •.in  !>ws    hy    mysoir    which    piifl    an 

adfi  i  t  i.     ii;.l        1.7  ,  -     , 

.\rtlin  r '  ::>        Ivico     ».<>    .s  ivo     Lhn    s     I   irs'     Tor    *h>in'    i:iit'kct 

reso:«ic^      I  <? -.'   I  t;*"  I     111    i>.i  y  i  o/Tt  >!:•'    stoci;     thirju-^n   my 

I'^ ; :  1  i  s  1 1     n !  c  1  o  • 

Often     I      Ih  >u,'.hr        that;      i     pj .« y  v;rj  .",ii  t    »\'oii  1   I    h  tvo     round 

?un[*le    l.>.icl:  '.ro'in  I     for      »    co«:io«ly     it      lartmi'M: 

the     vMiietv'    t)  i'    stores     in     .so    u  iriy    'lirforenl.    ii»*  i  ,':hborhoods ; 

tho      '  hy.s  Loric^i  1   '     oryin,".    of    win.i.  ti      /hon     told     to    inovo    to 

anoi.hf^i'    .->(.t)i'(;,     sin(:<-     they     fc*  1  t    at    homo     in     thoii'    previous 

stoi'i.-;      t.ii)    sliocks    \/iioii    ..'e     for"/   i     lov.'ojvLn^j    tho     M/ninT 

and     th:;     s  ui    i  lo  I  tin;:    t>or    c  -nl\-     in     Dio    '.indow;     t.h«:    ,':i  rl  s 

.sv/oei)in'.     Lne    street;      i    nid.'^i^.in    P'yinc    itcJplossly      in 

the    \.'iii.!<>  /    v'isi^l  a  '    ,'■.  itlioi'If!;:     the    Hroi  Iwnv    crowd    on    a 

Sundtv      iftt^rnoon;     t':0    'irmsiial     .Shd)hith    closin/"    of 

73     .torois;      I    dor,    wit       diarriiei    wil'vin,-:    tlironrh    the 

on  t  i  r(i     I  on;vth    of     tho     •.tiiro    on     lat'U'd.iv-    ovonin;;;    v/h^n     the 

cle    n  I  n  ;    hoy    ws    /:one;     th«    i/  .ny    iiol   lU^  .  ,     tlio    |iolLco.,« 

n  1  ]      this     i/.in  1  d     •  i  >  v.  e     o  I  i  o  i  ted     .  nch     i  n  •..•  r<'  .  t     i  '*    it    v'oro 

proro.isioii  .1  'y    \/rittoii    tor  diow. 


J 


52    - 


w 


-  253   - 


sy       <l 

V     :..tJ     .N;)   <:m  i> 
.  TN 

W(.       it-c  (;  i  VC'<1 

aftor    '3    ye    rs 
o  f*    st-rv  i  c  fi 


^ 


Once  I  was  locked  with  another  ^irl  into  a  tiny 
toilet  after  a  fellow  forced  me  to  open  the  safe 

while  sticking  a  knife  in  my  back  and  then  we 

had  to  wait  (l  do  not  remember  how  long..)  before 
someone  would  discover  us. 

One   day  we  had  a  meeting  when  the  owner  announced  a 
new  idea  with  great  excitement:  a  chocolate  greeting 
card  I  While  emphasizing  that  he  accomplished 
"his  dream"  by  having  1200  employees  and  a  ten 
million  dollar  business,  he  added  that  we  contributed 
to  his  success.  Thus,  for  our  loyalty  he  wanted  to 
give  us  a  special  present.  But  since  he  had  to  multiply 
it  by  twelf  hundred  he  could  not  give  us  as  much  as 
he  would  have  liked,  so  he  thought  of  a  silver  dollar. 
While  stressing  it  as  a  symbol,  he  implored  us  not  to 
spend  but  save  it  with  his  wish  for  good  luck. 
The  short  man  carried  a  large  sack  of  coins  around 
the  hall  so  we  could  pick  our  own  individually. 
Since  the  majority  felt  one  dollar  to  be  an  insult 
I  heard  no  one  saying  "thank  you"  but  I  took  and  kept 
it  as  a  sign  for  a  better  future  -  and  so  it  was. 
Despite  my  feelings  of  degradation,  I  repeatedly  had 
the  strange  impression  of  a  "home  coming,"  Perhaps 
because  it  was  the  first  time  that  I  worked  for  Jews, 
with  Jews  smd  the  continuous  presence  of  Jewish  laws: 


; 


wl 


-    2^k    - 


f>- 


The    strictness    of   closing   on    time    for    Shabbath, 
the    celebration    of    Jewish    holidays    (which    I    never 
observed)     the    koscher   merchandi 


se    with    their   b 


oxes 


often    decorated    with    the    star    of    David,     thei 


r  strong 


belief  in  God,  by  coding  their  merchandise  with 
"GOU  HELP  US." 

Thus,  all  working  there  had  to  keep  these  letters 
(or  prayer)  constantly  in  mind  since  we  had  to 
watch  the  freshness  of  our  candy.  Particularly 
pleasant  was  the  owner's  trust  in  us  since  there 
was  no  supervisor.  *-'nce  in  a  while  someone  would 
appear  "to  make  the  register"  or  make  sugf^es  tions 
for  display.  We  had  to  punch  the  clock  and  watch 
each  other  with  the  usual  fights,  ^t  the  schedule 


was  adjusted  so  that  few  of  us  were 


steadily  together 


and,  if  the  si  tuation  wer 


e  to  become  intolerable  we 


had  the  chance  to  ask  for  transfer.  The  manager  was 
responsible  for  the  inventory  and  the  ordering,  the 
others  for  cleaning,  display  and  selling,  but  more 
or  less  we  ail  shared  in  what  we  had  to  do. 


♦#*♦»»»»»# 


-  255  - 


Suridenly  someone  offered  Antonio  a  Job  in  Argentina 
which  delighted   him  since  this  seemed  tov^  solution 
for  his  perennial  nightmare:  escaping  the  FBI's  perse- 
cution to  leave  the  United  ^tates. 

Although  initially  he  was  able  to  change  his  visitor 
into  a  student  visa,  it  expired  by  achieving  his  Ph.D. 
Giving  speeches  about  "GOOD  HR/VLTH"  on  "Voice  of  .\jnerica" 
and  now  working  in  a  Mental  institution  made  the  J^mmi- 
gration  Department  somewhat  lenient,  nevertheless 
Antonio  continued  having  profound  anxieties  about 
being  expelled,  which  would  oblige  him  to  return 
to  his  job  in  the  Afi^ican  Djungle, 

Although  i  was  soon  to  become  a  citizen,  -^  did  not 
have  my  divorce  while  "Vitonio  got  his  divorce  more 
than  a  year  ago. 

It  was  Xmas  time  in  195^  when  Xntonio  returned  from 
Boston,  since  he  accepted  another  job  in  "orcester. 
For  ^ew  ^ear's  evening  we  were  invited  to  Lucilena, 
a  former  friend  of  ^r.  *^a3  trovie  jo ,  Antonio  had  met 
previously,  -^he  was  an  /Xnierican  citizen  (formerly 
from  ^lexico)  a  beautiful  and  elegantly  dressed 
woman,  but  with  a  rather  doubtful  reputation. 
J-t  was  a  pleasant  party  but,  being  profoundly 
disturbed  about  "^ntonio's  plan  to  leave  for  Argentina, 
I  retired  to  another  room  to  relieve  my  sadness  in 
abandoned  weeping  which  ^tonio  could  not  share. 


o 


O 


i.  s(J 


vi  though      our    reiitionship   chn   n/^efl    since    my    sick- 
s,    lie    w  !  ;    the   m  vn    with    whom    i    sh  irod    ei^^ht    year: 


nes 


of    tho   iiiosl.    intiiiMic    bond    1    have    ever    kno\/n    .in«l    to 
whom    i    sti'1     felt    nlo.se    des;.ito    our   di  rforcijces . 


iVnt')nio,    krvwin';:    th.vt    niy    brother    in    lav/    was    1 


n    New- 


York    and    li         a    si {p.if leant    postion    in    policies 


f^otisnltod     iiiiri    about     .''oin'r    t 


o 


'r/^:entina   wfiich   h 


e 


thf)U.":ht   not     to    be    a    frood    idea 


^''evoi'thelons ,     Vntonio's    fear    of    boin":    expelled 
firovo    him    finally    'nto    such    a    panic    tViat    he    sudflnnl 
<lo(:i   lerl    to     •  irrv    lucLleni    wliich    providofl    him    with 


wi  t;)i    Ajfjcri 


«;.  I. "I 


ci  ti  •.cnshi  p 


Hi  i  ;     ho    cor-    unicato'-l    to    kio    over    a    1  onr:  distance 
phone    call,     ^'ortun.' tel  y    i    h  »fl    the    visit    of    a    friend 


obi  i   :in;:   ni"    to    control    myself.    *ie    was    a    cl 


ever  man 


PcolinfT    in    ''Ltivelv    tliat    this    phone    call    must    have 
seriously    inrt    ino,     especial]  y    since    'Vntonio    irnine    - 


di  -'  <  <»ly    ca  I 


o« 


bad      several     times     to    wiiich    1    rlid 


not  i-espond,  -^n  re  ction  to  niy  silence  Antonio 
wror.(»  the  to  lowin,,  letter  from  his  new  job  in 
Worcester:     '  trarisl     ted) 


A\ 


f^ 


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CK 


Cc 


h^i^r 


f 


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J.<( 


f  r 


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4A 


//- 


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f^  <  -t 


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\i^orce.ster,    "'cc.    1/1055 


••  i 


ariannc 


ly    DarJin,^ 

Your    :?iIonct?    on    the    telcphon(?    left   inc    i 
state    of    onxinty    overwhelming:  mc    i 
1    nnv«T    irna.'riiied. 


n    a 


n    IX  iiimner 


st    helovod    tiarli 


.'iv    mo 

riiis    nn  tiro    tra/Todv 


n 


was    t  te    result    of   mv 


state 


of  mini    and    ill    hapnenel    in     i    fri^nzy    like 
an    iinexMccte«l    c-i  tas  trophy , 


n 


ho 


f» 


1   ist    weeks    i     rotlized    tlio    irrational  i- 


hies    0'     niv    -lo^n/^s,     ^iiCfcrinr,    atrociousl 


--    althoi/'h    useless    --     f.»ol  L 


n. 


isol  itofl    and    .   hand o nod     -- 


coinnl  ctcly 


exporioncinifT   a 


rorrninil.lc    par  ic    which     threw   mc    bliiirlly    int 


o 


thi  s    nd  v'on  tiir*' 


L 


1  r 


'•  r 


J     said,    1    sun>r    for   iiiysel  f    anrl 


for    von 


lat    '  fOd     lias    pitv     for 


HI 


o   and    tor    you 


iiid    hi-    will     bo    satisfied, 
««y    he.»l    whirls    with    crazy    ideas    and    I     'o    not 
even    I'    vo    the    coar  i/^e     to    work    nor    to       taink. 
Throe    imjopIo    will    be    heartbroken,    you,    niyseir 
'uid    she, 

Mien    yo'i    ciIIcmI    1  »st    n  i  .-^h  t    (siio    w';s     tlicro)    I 
felt    piralyzod    thit    1     could    not    talk     to    you 
as     I     would    have    liked.      Porlay   ^    sii.dl     Iry     to 
call    you     from     i    InbJic     ihono.    1     feel    crushed 
to    th.'    '^xtent     that    i    dont    even     fin^l     the    v;ord.s 
to    express    myseir    -    which    scorns    like    a    CGirica- 
turo    o  •    iny    reclin,';s.    1    dont    ovc    know   ho\/    to 


explain    wiiat    \    ipuoued     to    me,    i  f^rhans 


[ion  tal 


«>  t 


r.iti/nin    —    after    so    luanv    ye  \rs    of   studyin,'^ 

f  1  L  f  f  1  o     '  t  i  f»  s      '  n  <-*       n  X  i  o  t  i  o  s  . 

^y    sister    is    rithor   upset    and    she    thinks    that 

•ly    unexaecterl     Mirrii/:e    is     ui    e-ctronoly    sorioiis 

risk. 


u 


ow    on       his     to    wait,     mfl    see    iio  •     thin/'s    will 


'level  '  I 
o  r    us  • 


You,      ly    d)r'in':,     pr  iv     to    f'.orl    Tor    hotli 
t    is      •    vers'    delic     te    si  tin  ti  on. 


rho    first    p  xcc:    01      .ntojiio'       1  .   i. 


[)0 


vn  t  o  u  i  o 


•f 


-  259   - 


r" 


i^J^ 


^ 


C^U  (    < 


(^ 


{  %t^  (,• 


K/^tUt  ' 


J 


fi-t-t^ 


4 

/ 


^-'  t 


/ 


^    ^ 


(' 


/ 


:/ 


i^'C   '  i 


*     T 


^ 


/" 


-il 


a 


yC-^*—-< 


^C. 


^  y  CI 


-<• 


^> 


^, 


/? 


/ 


/■       '^,     yet      •?  ^ 


x': 


/ 


.L^ 


■O 


/y  tOi 


y. 


c^ 


/' 


{^ 


c^ 


/ 


/ 


c^^^z.-^ 


/ 


^'<^ 


^' 


-; 


• 


V^^2l^-7 


r^'     ^ 


/ 


/  <    I 


-^ 


I    c^ 


Cci 


-e 


^, 


r  /'C  / 


V^: 


X.   -» 


//" 


//   / 


<L.C^\ 


7 


-v? 


u> 


"U. 


/. 


Cc^ 


^r^ 


'^1 


/ 


/ 


z. 


<  C^\ 


u 


■^ 


J. 


( 


^i     I-    y- 


o.A 


r 


/ 


r.f 


/ 


-■^  /. 


/ 


t^d 


/ '  /  / 


c^.- 
/    / 


'y\ 


(J 


/t>^/'t'W    / 


/ 


'^i.C< 


^p 


/ 


/. 


/ 


C 


(I. 


'  f 


i"  » 


/ 

// 


/-6.1 


o<^ 


L 


i 

4 


f      I 


c 


/ 


V 


/ 


<  ^  <--♦  U^y 


/ 


cZy.C^ 


U 


) 


Ni^ 


tf 


-    260- 


Every    end    constitutes    another   be^^inni 


ng"  said 


Albert  Schweitzer,  but  this  beginning  was  a  life 

I  did  not  wish  to  live.  Feeling  to  be  in  a  complete 

void  everything  had  lost  its  meaning,  only  mirroring 


my  inaptitude  to  be  of  value  to  an 


yone 


Thus,  -^  became  careless  about 


my  apperance,  lost 


weight,  smoked  and  drank  more  while  taking  an  end- 
less ajnount  of  tranquillizers.  Although  J-  had  a  nice 
circle  of  friends  1  had  lost  interest.  A  streak  of 


white  hair  had  grown  and  with  mv  ski 


nny    body    and 


dilated    eyes    from    pills    ajid    sadness,    i    was    frequently 


the    center    of    curiosity    amon 


g   my    co-workers.    Gradually 


I    confided    to    one    oT    the    other,    but    si 


nee    my    tragedy    re- 


sembled   their    own,    most    were    nice    to    me 


Later    in    another    letter    '^n  t 


onio    wrote 


Jan. 13/1956 


another   drive 


n 


"My    most    beloved    Uarling. 

It    is    true    that    1    married 

by    an    irrational    impulse    -    but    if   it    is 

God's    wish    we    still    will    be     'together.' 

A    thousand    thanks     for    your    letter    and    the 

photos.    My    tears    were    falling   when    ■'- 

lool^ed    at    thiem. 

My       arling    you   must    always    think    that    there 

is    a    man    profoundly    loving    you    who    would    give 

his    life     for    you 

I    feel    you    in    my^most    profound    sotil. 
Certainly    we    will    see    each    other    acid    ^    think 
that    the    idea    of   Hartford    is    a    good    one. 
I    notice    that    you    think    of    going    to    ^rope    soon 
and    hope    to    meet    you   before*    I    feel    much 
better   my      arling.    May    God    protect    you    always. 
With   my    eternal    love 

Antonio 


I  he    next    [>  f^e    of 


n  I 


•tier*    - 


1  n< 


•  •  •  » 


J 


\J 


■waL 


-  261  - 


) 


Six  months  had  passed  when  i  suddenly  noticed 
.Vntonio  standing  in  front  of  the  store  where  I 
worked,  causing  my  mind  going  blank, 
, . . . "Go . . . you  have  a  headache  and  dont  worry..." 
my  co-worker  blurred  out  and  so  I  joined  him 
without  saying  much  while  we  walked  along  i*  i  f  th 
Avenue  eventually  sitting  opposite  each  other  in 
a  restaurant  with  a  bottle  of  wine  between  us. 
"^es"  he  admitted  — "1  felt  compelled  to  marry 
so  I  could  remain  in  the  States,"  begging  me  to 
understand  that  he  continued  to  love  me. 
While  noticing  my  sloppy  clothes  he  felt  my 
despair,  pleading  with  me  to  take  care  of  myself, 
-Although  profoundly  troubled  -*-  had  to  realize 
that  the  years  have  changed  us. 
When  we  first  met  we  fitted  together  but  now 
Antonio  was  a  free  man  in  good  health  with  an 
MD  and  a  Ph.D.,  while  ^    was  still  married,  had 
lost  my  well  paying  job  and  was  stigmatized  by 
a  severe  illness  of  which  the  consequences  were 

not  known. 

Some  years  ago   ntoni3  bought  me  a  gold  wedding 

band  from  ^artier  corisisting  of  three  rings  forming 

a  rose,  impyling  three  phases  of  relationships  -- 

perhcips  this  was  one  of  them* 


-  262  - 


ii> 


It  was  the  spring  of  1956  eind ,  since  "^ntonio 
shared  the  expenses  for  my  f\ircoat  before  he  married, 
I  had  reached  the  first  goal  of  my  three  wishes  and 
could  plan  to  see  my  mother  in  ^glsmd, 
Moreover,  as  recommended  by  my  English  uncle,  I 
continued  buying  stocks  which  were  paying  interests 
and  my  salary  as  a  market  researcher  doubled 
since  Arthur  recommended  me  to  his  twin  brother 
manufacturing  toy  balloons. 

There  was  also  a  distant  cousin  from  Australia 
visiting  New  ^ork,who  retained  my  service  to  in- 
vestigate now  machines  for  packaging  with  plastic. 
Another  acquaintance  from  ^outh  Africa  wanted  me 
to  cut  the  advertising  of  certain  dresses  from 
the  Times,  since  he  was  interested  in  women's 
f  astiions  • 

Antonio  wrote  frequently  and  mailed  me  some  money 
at  times  which  helped  me  to  believe  him  that  he 

still  loved  me, 

I 
Working  so  many  hours  at  Barton  s  Candy  in 

addition  to  my  various  part  time  Jobs  ^  was  never- 
theless hunting  for  a'^second  hand  ^teinway  upright. 
^  would  have  preferred  a  grand,  but  that  seemed  to 
be  beyond  my  possibilities. 


I 


-  263  - 


) 


Social  life  began  to  interest  me  a^ain  but  ^  felt 
old  with  my  hair  turning  white  and  still  thought  of 
Antonio  which  prevented  me  from  establishing  closer 
relationships,  ''or  me  life  had  come  to  an  end, 
^^ome  did  not  exist  anymore,  my  marriage  ended  in 
divorce,  my  trust  in  Charlie  shattered  and  now 
Antonio  married  someone  else. 

Faced  with  these  realities  I  looked  for  support  from 
my  mother  and  perhaps  a  more  peaceful  existence  with 
music  besides  my  jobs.  *^    certain  satisfaction    derived 
by  being  successful  in  saving  enough  money  to  buy  a 
piano,  to  have  become  an  American  citizen  and  restored 
my  health.   hus,  in  the  summer  of  195^  ^    went  to  my 
mother  in  Leeds  and  visited  the  other  fcimily  members 
in  London  • 

My  mother  agreed  that  playing  the  piano  again  might 
be  a  good  idea  but  not  prof essional 1 y , since  T  had 
lost  too  many  years  of  training.  *^ever  theless ,  some 
people  disagreed,  particularly  one  cousin, (a  lawyer) 
who  stressed  that  J-  could  get  money  from  the   German 
Government ,  since  "*"  could  not  become  a  professional 
musician  on  account  of  the  war.  {le  was  ready  to  take 
my  case  but  needed  a  certificate  of  attendance  from 
a  music  school,  ^^is  was  great  news  for  me  and, 
with  the  help  of  friends  1  succeeded  and  mailed 
it  to  him. 


mmam 


-    26^    « 


^ 


On    my    return    to    New    York    I    alao    followed   my    mother's 


wis  .    to    c.  11    the    son    of    her 


most    beloved    aiater    Gretel 


who    told   i:io    that    his    brother    JuUii    from    Milwaukee    was 
here,    whom    I    had    not    seen    in    more     th, 
Rememberin*;    him    as    a    particularly    nice    m    n 


in    twenty    ye.irs 


was    ea^jer 


to    see    him    and    so    the    next    evenl 


nt^    we  a 


11 


met 


We  had  a  wonderful  time  to^^ether  celebriti 


n, 


our    survival 


of    the    war    talking   about 


VVll 


o    is    whoTf*    and    whit    the 


y   do 


Since     i     Just    saw   my    iiiother,     to    re -connect    with    the 
family,     felt    particularly    excitln 


t*  • 


JulJu,  now  in.irried,  with  two  .'trowri  w,.  chilctron,  Invited 
me  for  next  year's  sum.nei  vac  .tion  in  'Ulwavikee  which  1 
was    only    too    glad    to      -ccept. 


The    sec<.n«l    hnnd    Steinway    upri^^^ht 


fountl    a    few   weeks 


1  ater 


or     tlio    then    enonnou?^    su 


111      o 


:0,,0 


thf   drtaler 


agreed     to    keep    the  [.idno    in    stora^^e    lintil    1     found    a 

suitable     ipartment  wliich     took    another    ei^ht    months    of 

searchiin^;. 

Leaving:    the    pretty  tree    lined    12th    street    \/hore    ^    lived 


for   sixt«ion    years    was    difficult.    Th 


e    i'rcnch    hnlversity 


as    well    as    Kifth    Avenue    were    on    the    loft    side 


nice 


church    across    the    street    and    the    N 


ew 


c    ool    of   Social 


i< 


esearch    at    the    othnr    cntl    of    Die    street.    I    missed    the 
at:jio3{»hero    of   fireenwich    Vi  1  :  a^e    with    their    attractl 


ve 


stores,    coffee    and   riDvie    houses 


Now   -^    ]  iv(ul    on    West    7^>th    -'treet    wh^^r      -^    had    to    shop    on 
^olnmbns    ^vonue    in    the   mi<lst    of   hoises    I    hi  ted    - 


■  •""«'  nitiliiMIMMWlgBWIIHi 


-    26^   - 


<J 


-y  a  u 


Jullu's    daughter    Rl  t 


a 


v..^ 


JuMu    wrote    oftnn    tlurin^T    tho 


year    romln-an.'^  me   of 


rnv 


pr-)riii.se    to    Join    hi.^    f   mily    in    the    s 
made    ine    feel    ^:aoM.     ihus,     in    July    l'>37 


unmer,    v/hich 
I    went    to    "''ilwuikei 


Ills    son    was    i/i    collofjo    but  -his    IS    yf»  ir    oJd    daughter 
i?it\    w    a     thore       nd,     t^    my    surprise,     »h  •    looked    oxactly 


lik      her     '.raii'l  no  ther :    mv    mother's 


Ore  Lei"    wh 


o 


rcMTiembered    so    well    fr 


most    belovod    sister 
1    my    childhoodl 


rho    ni    ny    ple-rtint    hours    we    spent    tO'^nthor    ^jrew   int( 
a    1   'Stinf^    fri'Mi    ship. 


s    i'    h-    wore    mv     f.  ther,    JmIIu    -isk^d    about 


:iy    p    8 1 


t>re^«ent:       nd    Vwt    re       i  f  >       o    winch    1    truthfully    answered 
that     *      Ion'    U-nov.    w    at    to    rfo    with    myself   now,       Ince    I 


w  »s 


v/ 1  n  f !  o  ^y 


rn    sor     n    rrjy    Job    at    'i  .rton's    Candy,     I 


tJio  ifjji  t       o  r      n    rn  In 


IS    a    profeMMl.iii     in     i    school 


but 


WIS    tui    ertain    w.iet  jer    thi 


was    the    rifrht    choi 


ce 


To  my  deli^^ht  Jul  In  proposed  to  {^o    wit;h  mo  to  a 

Voc  tional  <;uid  n-  e  'Jentor, 

Aft«?r  filiint;  out  a  iiestionaire  1  h.«d  an  intervi 


ew 


with    -x    rn    n    v/lio     ii>olo^:izcd     To.     his    y    uthful 


appearance 


but  assur-  d  mo  h«?  wis  experienced   ince  h<»  ha«l  b 


oen 


i  n     til 


ua.r 


I'o    riy    ast    nif^hnierit    h<»    rl     imed    thit     '     h  tvc    a    "proTounfl 
neurosis"     ..u,.^oS tin/:   music     is     i    pr    ♦^PSsLon!    This    felt 


liko     '<    bc»mhsh«'lJ,     presniitin^ 


'n 


overwhelming  task 


of  how  to  (^o  ibout  it except  perhaps  —  getti 

snm^?  pr'ofe  sional  tr  ining  as  a  piano  teachor. 


npT 


>w 


w 


I 


r 


-  267  - 


'! 


The    youn/j:  ^'^ustralian 


f'> 


However,  from  my  experience  £it  home  (in  Breslau)  I 
lacked  the  confidence  that  this  would  ^ve  me  sufficient 
income.  Usually  people  paid  for  each  lesson  they  had, 
but  frequently  cancelled.  Still,  since  the  fellow's 
statement  at  the  Cruidance  Center  made  a  big  impoessiori 
I  considered  fallowing  his  advice, 

Once  back  in  New  ^ork  I  phoned  Boris,  the  son  of  Joseph 
Schwarz  (mentioned  previously)  to  ask  him  for  a  piano 
teacher.  Being  that  he  was   chairman  of  the  music  de- 
partment at  Queen 'a  Oollegeyl  thought  that  he  might  know 
someone.  Although  I  was  not  a  professionnl  musician  he 
recommended  his  friend  Joseph  who  was  specialized  in 
coaching  pro fessionals^  thinking  th-it  he  could  arrange 
an  audition  for  me. 

To  my  amazement  Joseph  t  lought  me  to  be  "very  musical" 
and  accepted  me  as  his  student  under  the  condition  t||at  I 
have  weekly  lessons  over  a  three  month  period.  Although 
the  charge  was  (for  me")  the  enormous  sum  of  S25.-  an  hour, 
I  nevertheless  decided  "to  invest  in  myself"  as  -^tonio 
used  to  say. 

Some  weeks  later  a  youn^  man  approached  me  in  front  of 
our  house  offering  his  help  t')  carry  my  groceries  while 
asking  if  1  were  the  one  playing  the  piano.  He  lived  with 
his  friend  a  floor  below  and  said  that  they  turned  off 
their  TV  to  hear  me  which  was  flattering.  Soon  we  found 
common  ground  in  our  dislike  for  the  landlady,  and  he 
invited  me  to  their  weekly  "hate  sessions." 


•fT" 


A  268  - 


They    were    Australi:uis    work! 


ng   ut    the    inited    Nations 


Although    rattier  young    :i   close    friendship    developed    between 


the    three    of   u. 


■Seeing  my    loneliness    they    told   me    t 


come    any    time    when    1   see   light    in    their   d 


oor   which    was 


particularly    pleasant    when    1    returned    from   Barton' 


on   Saturday   or   ^unda 


y    nights.    Often    they   had    company 


of   other    Australicuis   who   were   most    interested  in    heaiin^f 

about   Europe    during;    the    Hitler    yeirs. 

However,     in   January   19  38   our   landlady    got    the 

from    the     city     for    the    project   of   upgrading:    the    West 


money 


to  (ether  came  to  an  end 


r    me   but 


Side  and  our  noighborly  livin 
since  we  .ill  had  to  mf)ve  out. 
To    find    another   apartment    was    a    ni^'itm«re    fo 

then    my    luck    turned   and    1    found    the    place    where 

i   still    live. 

Although    I   liked   playing    the    piano    the    expensi 


ve   lessons 


witli    Joseph  did   not    seem    to    improve    my    performance 
and    the    idea    of  becoming   a    piano    tenc'^er   was    not 
appeallin^?.    ^n    the    contrary,    old     friis  tra  tions    and 


uselessness   invaded   me    again    at    times    paralyzi 
efforts. 


ng  my 


It   was   in    the    early    Sprin/:    when     I    hid    lunch    i 


n    a 


crowded   cafeteria    sitting   next    to    a    white    haired 


men 


reMding   a    paper   on    which   I    noticed    the    headU. 


ne 


If 


Music    for   Haxidicapped    Children 


imir.edia  tel  V    this 


i  lea     fascinated   me    and     i    asked    him   where    I    could 


-   269    - 


buy    the    paper    to    rend    the     <rticLc.    kftar   some    lalk 
the    in  ♦n    nust    have    sensed   ray    "stafpiation"    and    supplied 
me    with    the    n  ime    and    address    o f   an    office   where    they 
roi^ht    accept   me    as    a   volunteer    in    some   musical    capacity. 

The    office    was    in    the    elegant    57th    Street   near 
Fifth    'venue    where    ^    had    to    fill    out    a   questional  re    ind 
supply    two    references    al>OMt   ray    -nusical    btckgroand, 
Althou/:h    -*■    had    no    exi^erience    in    any   musical    acitivlty 
i    was    .tdmitted    ^nd    assigned    as    r>    voluntef»r    at    t!ie 
M.inhattan    '^tate    Mospital(a     cental    -institution)    where    I 
was    immediately    put    in    char^^je    of    the    music    department* 
ciince    ^    only    hid    to    play    s..me    records,  t    preferred    t 
^;et    sumething   different    from    wh.;t    they    had    at    the 


o 


iJonnell    Library 


The    librarian    suggested 


an    opera   wi  th 


the    story  printed    at    the    back    of    the    album,     i^elighted 

with    this  i)rosnect    ^    took    Carmen,    an    opera    i    knew   well, 

Uiit    since  1    never    talke<i    in    i>ublic    an»l    was    anxious    to 

please,     ^  wrote    every  f  hi  n^;   down  ,  and    practiced    alOU4,at 


hom 


e,  obviou.sly  it  worv«»d  ou^  since  every  week  nore 


people  '^ame  t"  my  sonsion 


Moreover,  so  no  wanted  me  to  accompany  their 


iingiing  or  ^rt  piano   l«*ssons,  John 


studaot   of  my 


teacricr   Jcsei'h,    .;sked    ni'^    one    day    if   iie    co    Id    play    there 
since    hf^    wj^ntcd    to    try    out    a    pro  ;.rani    Tor    his    concert. 


/^ 


-  270  - 


r^ 


Ihe    people     vere    <ieii(^hc«cl,     sug^es  tin/:    th  it    1    play 

two    [imo    pioces    with    .lf>hn.       nother    .stiuJent    of   .^osenh 


who    special  i /.ed    in    imy>r'^vis  it  i  ma 


w;\s    in  teres  tod    1 


n 


the    react  i)n    .inionfT    th(»    inm  itea    rind    also    rnme 


a    r«w    times 


Uowever,     tiie    most    as  toundin/:    experience    1    had 


w  1  *?    wi  th    an    eldei'lv    v/o'iiari    who    had     for^To tte 


n    '>er    name 


and    did    not-    sf»e  ik    for-    fifteen    voir**,     it    was    sn":f:ested 
th    t    ^    3h<'\il   '    ri  V -    her    piano    le  ^sonn       nd    X    w\s    to^f! 


that    sho    lie!    r,oinr.    to    church.     ThnH 


/^Tve    her    sone 


easy    B^ch    rhor    Is    shilo     .n^lvsln/r    ^hr>    r>olyphonic 
lines    with    the    concl  ssion    of    the    "'mon"    cadence, 

it     took    only  few    weeks    wiien     the    psyrh<>  1  o^:!  s  t 

told    nie     t     it     t'lc    woiT)  'n     talked    a{;ain     m 
bere  1    her    n  ane, 


even    roi''em- 


In    iJecoinbor    \ntonio    returned    from    Georgia 
where    he    hid    boon     vMsi.'^t\nt    professor    hut    did    not 
like    it    and    waiite«i    fo     find    somethin.^    in    New    Vork's 


vicini  tv 


L  thoii/^h    I     still     loved    hiitijriiy    interesta 


had    shiftol       nd     ^ntonlo's    marrin/Te    h  »rl    left    mo 
br'Jised,     "e    wore    li    pi»y    that    wetc?w^  he    together    af=:ain 
more    freq-iontiv    hut    the    fortuer    intimacy    did    nnt    return 

In    fact       in    tliese    last    ye  >rs    1    chpn^'^d 
to    the    '.oint    of     1 1  ien  •  t  In/r   myself    frnm    the    liarton 


O 


-    271    - 


.^ 


-  272  - 


r\y    youriiP:    AnstrnJi.ui    frionds    in 
thoir    now    nuar  tinon  t . 


/^ 


crew 


^-'oin, 


to    .shows    with 


rnv    y')iing 


ustr.ilian    friends 


m.isical     tJ' thorin^'js    with    .Jose;>h'.s    f;roii[i,    playing    the 
piano    .\;^iin,    working;    in    a    >ientaJ     -institution,    my    part 
tir.o    jobs    with    Rn,:lish   ni.inuf    c  turers    and    ape    kin.'-T    five 
I  an^.  la^os    <;ener    ted    in     -11    probability    a    lot    of    ,TOSsip. 
The    fjiontility    md    ^^rowiii/;   hostility    .laion^::    sone    of    the 
women,     re.^uitc:    in    ny    accelAr  ited    search    for     '    school 
to    l)ec<»mG     I    prwfossionol     iiu<*iri  m    in    one    way    or    another 


One  d  .V 


I  8li 


pped  from  a  ladder  in  the  store 


br    i  .sin 


niv    le,:s    w'i     h     turn    d     thoiri    a    d  ^rk    blue,     -^in-^e 


t>ie 


!()•  tor    tolfl    mi 


o    St    y    home     L    called    t\\p.    n-'nafT**r 


w^^o    was    not    pie    sed    sinc»^    she    h  \ri     to     ilust    th«^    s^'hedulo 


By    coincidence     I     pirkod    up    the    ohono    imruod  1  » to  1  y     '  f^  \i 


n 


;()    '^r>)<. 


e    :in other    call 


when 


ncidentallv    shi-    did    tn 


Srijne    ana    ^    overuoira 


r    r«!^ort    ;>b.)iit    rr. e     to     th«-    ot  fice 


Aftor   w(»rkin;'.    there    lor    years    snu    accused   mo    of   unoe- 


xievable    wron;;   aoinjis 


n< 


w.mtoa    me    to 


,ct    rired 


Compelled    bv    niy    anr.er,     I    overcame    tnv    previous 
reluct  irice    .ind    called    the    Julli    rd    ochool    of  ^♦n.sic. 
There     i     (;o  t    jso;iieone    on    the    phone    who    understoofi    my 
problctn    and    advised    ihh    1.0    ,:ot    in     toordi    with    the    chiir- 


m 


an    of    the    Music    iJeparti.ien t    at    Teacher's    Colle/^e 


Columbia    University.     Within    less    than    a   half   hour    T 
had    an    appointment    with    him. 


lO 


lo 


-    27J   - 


liiM    r^f  ler   pi 


eas.mt    .ippear.ince    md    obvious    interest    1 


n 


my  previous  nnsical  triinin^  s 


eem  to  impress  him  causing 


profound  satisfaction  within  myself 


Since 


certain     imotint    of   educati 


on    T^l'^yed    »    Al^rnlf leant 


role    in    our    family    I    always    felt    ridiculed    (or    rebuffed) 


dtirin;^    the    tinie    i     1  ookofl    for    work    in    an 


unemploymen  t 


mi  or 


offi<-e.    No    one    -^f^emofi    to    reco(piize    the   merit    of  my    fo 
studios    which    wore    so    brut  illy    interripted    by    the    Nazis 
Oblir^d    to    have    a    different    lifestyle    where  my    basic 


ue,    it    was    like    n    boam 
imous    university    who 


principles    no     loufxor    hid    any    v  il 

of    Jir^ht    to    (Moot    this    !!i  m    in    a    fj 

apT'reci   tted    rnv    p  ks  t     achievements. 

After    years    nt     try  in/:    to    .idjust    in    tl\is    appnrontly    1  aw- 

lef^s    v'orld,     "^    dirl    not    fl  ire    to    believe    that    1    may    hnve 


foun'l     the    path    h  <ck    "^lolne 


•  •  •  • 


to    music 


Al  thou^^h   m-'kin/j; 


livin/^    wit*i    it    w^s    rather  dif^tTnt,    T 


be/'  tn    to    attend    tho    weekly    morninf:    so '5*ions    at    Teachers 

^olle/:e,    Colunibi  »       ni^ersity    in    I'^obruary    I96O, 

I    cancelled    my    volunteer    activity    at    the    'hospital, 

arnan^^ed    to    work    at    IJarton's    ^andy    from    J :  OO    to   midrji/^ht, 

but    continue!    my    piano    lessons    with     'oseph,    and    tho    niarket 

rose  ;rch    for     Vrthur    in    *^gland« 

The    au'ience    in    this    course    were   mostly   piano    teachers 


who 


ty  p 


re    intei'ostod    ii 


1    the   different    anp.roach    'or    which 


this    rourse    wis    well    kiiown.    As    if    it    wore    an    en  ter  t- inmen  t 
I    listened      nH    le«rnod    even    swearing    to   myself    to    sit 


here 


ti  1    1 


am    'JO 


oaf 


^ 


-    2lh    - 


Uowevr^r,    whori    my    carofully    prepared    torm    pajier    wis 


ret'ii'no!    without     i    ^^rade 


w  \3    iJiaappoin  ted    to    t)o    told 


I    w    s    t    kin^    this    (onrHC*    for    auditioning:    ^nd    not    Tor 


credi  t 


inf^    unrunili  T    with    this    voc  vbulary    ^    f^lt    hurt 


ith    t>iis    expl-mation    hut    nnverthelenn 


1  n    my     i  ;»Tior "  nre 


1    proceeded    to    i\o    to    the    administration    to    chanf^e 


rny 


t  a  t ' ! » , 


After    srru  tin  i  7.  infT   "'y     uipl  i  cat  i  on    with    the    ^oil     to 
teach    music     t)    hand  i '  ai'i'ed    rhildren    the    re/^istrii? 


su;r.''* 


tod    makiui".    a    list    of   my    p.tst    experiences,    'tlltihou/^h 


1    ailiiu  t  lod    not     to    h  ive    .my    1  e/jal    tlocuments    to    verify    'My 
statement    sho    -liitned    it     .i»uid    be    accej>ted    as    1  on(j     "^    i  t 
was    notorized. 
My    Mir:liHh    i*^!  \tive     idvised    mo    to    inform    them    of  my 

attend. uice      ntl    t^ie    paper   1    sutuii  t  ted    thinking 


previous 


that    t  'is    wr.iii  fi     \  n 


riMf>noe    their   decision 


^o    tho    suri>ri  '«    of    "voryono    Te  \c^le^s    ^-oller^e     »<  ceotod 
s       n    und»'rf':r  '  hiate    student    in    the    musio    depart-nent 


me     » 


with    ^''    point    credit    for    life    exoerience. 
'»>bout    the    same    ti.Me     »    second    hind    pi  mo    de  U  er 
inforn»n<i    »ne    ^o    h    ve     •  o'nd    a    "ste'nway    f^r md    but    he 


ner 


led  the  full  pay "en t  in  2^   hours 


-    275    - 


PIANOS  BOUGHT  and  SOLD 


I*  I  A   ?\   O  S 


^.        <^41c 


il6/2a 


159  -.Vr.Sr    2'br<\    ST^^ST 
>36:RASJJ2.1id  :ST.-^  -•^- 


UKV,'  YORK,  N.  Y.   11 


Oil.    :2-79P 


?ebru:iry   5rd        \q  60 


-    2?ei    - 


Ilavln.'T    ii  >'J    the    T^romlse    of   my    1   'wvor    to    receive 

restitution    m.nev      j    ws    Rooking    for   a    piano    Imt 

tho    rnonnv.vas    sti    1    outst    ndinfT.    Luckily    a    cousin 

in    SoutJi    'alcota    provided     the    sum     m'i,     to   my    ^reat 

excitemf^jt,    my    uprl/^ht    was    exch.inffod     .nd 

^  I    came 

into    tho    r>os.se?<'^iori    of   a    most    beautiTul    ♦^t'^inway 
r:ran  1    in    ori'-ntal    ni.h»f^ony    rci^ently    rebuilt    bv 
"^  t '^  1  nw.'iy  , 

riio  shock  was  so  nvei'whel  m  in/T  that  ^  doveloped 
a  skin  r  ah  and  it  took  me  days  bo  .'ore  J-  darnd 
.just    touching    it. 


Received  fiorn    "^ss  i:arianne    3erel,    76   Riversid  th^   sum 

Drive,    Kev/  York,    !:.    Y.  . 

of_Tv/elve   I^Midr-d  .-nd   S-venty    7ive^  ($  •    1:175.00   )    Dollars 
aad    o ne    o  tei  rrv  riy    rpr i  f;iit '  P i n  n  o  ,* 

plus  ^^  Sales  Tnx.  amo'intinq   to        Thirty  ^ii^yut   and   25/lQQ 


($     38.25  )  ,n  f-iU  payment  ttiereol  for  sale  o[  alIsM-lMiO£:a|iy_ '' A'' 


_Sieinv.ry    .".:  Sona _,  GniKlIipnqrht  Piano,  No.     1^7925 

v/i  t h  deli  ver  y   i  nc  1  ud e d  • 


This  Piano  is    v/arranted  to  be    (ree    and    clear    of  all    liens    and 

encumbrancer. 

"^ ^^^     (   10     )  yo^irs  gwnrontee  on  ''my  mechanical  delect. 

^"^     (     ^      j  yrj?irC'dxi:^ixsari'iDcc    Iree    tuning   •..'itixln   one   ye^irs   p-^rio'j 


Thr«e    ye  ir»    a^o ,    when    1    went    to    Milwaukee    to    see   my 
co\isin    vlullu,     I    m  -de    a    stopover    in    '''hica^o    wViere    T 
mot     I   man    while    visitin/:    a    Museum.    We   was    a    pro- 
lessor    or   Mat!iom>tlrs    at    the    I  ondon    ^'niversity,    but 
now   niado    cl'MPfins  tr  <  t ions    for    te  »chers     'f    young 
children    about     <    new    approach    in   Mathematics. 
In     the    succoedinr    years    I    saw   him     inite    a    few    times 
in    New    ^ork    and    he    wrote   me    frequently    from    different 
coun  tries • 

Imi'ressed    with    his    intellectual    sophistication    and 
flattered    by    his    attention    1    caine    to    worship    him. 
Although    there    was    a    huge    gap   of   educational    as 
wei ]     as    a    cultural    difference    this    relationship 
influenced   my    life. 


Ii 


(i 


|i 


fl.  MESSINA 


Per 


c<^^ '  //C^e-^z^g"- 


♦ , 


.r^ 


-r   277    - 


r^ 


Tims,    wlien    1    met    htm    again    as    a    n-\rt    time    student 
ho    Sf-e<nef!    Impressed,    but    thouf^ht    It    to   be    a    wnste 


of    time 


,     sirK^e     it     w.i'M  rj    take    yeirs    to    complet**    ft 


dpf^ree.    nowf»vf^r,     to    st  idy     full     ti 


tMf» 


meant    to    leave 


my    Job    which    j^ppo     rod     to   mo    f)Ut    of    re^ch. 

^ovortlie  I  esM ,     he    rominde'l    mo    th    t    '     Ind    s  »vod    some 


money      nd     that         mif^ht    ^et    a   schol     rshi 


nut    I 


postponed    a    decision,     hecatiso    I    wis    too    nnxious    t 


n 


leave    a    secure    position    for    atudyin-j    full    time    with 


an   uncertain     i uture 


^he     foil 


owiru:    \in    s     i    went    to    England    to    se 


e   my 


mother    jitI    other    family   members    where   t    thought 
to    discuss    it. 

The    final    resolution    came    with    the    visit    of   my 
brother    in    law's    friend    specialized    in    economics 


who    surf:e-ted     that,    if    I    n 


ceded    in<iney    for   studying, 


not    to    soil    my    stonks,     but     to    got    a    collateral     fr 
a    FVuik.    it    was    a   new   idea    to    get    a    collateral     for 


om 


o<tucationnl       purr^oses,     but    T    di'1    find     i    U.ink    t 


o 


accept   my    stock   certificates    -^nd    therefore   rlecifle<l 
to    study     Hill     time. 

When    I     I  prilled     «t     Te    chera    ^ollcge    to    change   my 
status    T    wis    advised    to    go    to     i    school    speciiMzed 
in    music     therapy,     since    ^    wanted    to    study     <usic 
for    huidlrap    ed    children. 


.-    278    - 


Mowover,     I    in«l3te<l    to    remain    ^t     J  eachera    ^olle^e, 
slnne    tho    60    y)oint    credits    -^    receive(i    for    'ire 
experience,     won  1  rl    not    only    shorten     the    time,     but 
I    nlso    w   ntrri    th*.       ttr-'ctivo    label     of   beini^    certi- 
fied   at   Coluinbia      niversity. 

Affor   m^^ptln.'TS    in    v.trions    .lepart-nen  ts    I    w?\a     finally 
adiMLttotl     in     tho    ilopartment    of    speci.il    educati    n    :ta 
an    'tnrlpr  ,-r  irlu  ite    Hfident    to    be    certified    in    ir\f»ntMl 
ro  t  irda t I  on, 

I     tiiourht       i    h     f    enough    money     for   one    ye'^r     ^n*^    my 
ma  thetuat  I  ci  an    »riend    had    calcul     ted    correctly    -- 
I     did    receive    a    scholarship    of    C8(.>().-    from    the 
A^lk    i'^ound  .  tion.     Nev-.  rthel  os.s ,     evon    Nith    the    addi - 
t  L  >n  ».l       -^v)!),-    it    WIS    a    cXiirinr.    enternri.se.     Althntiir^h 
uttorlv    .ilono    in     this    world    I    pi  need    -ai     th«    non*»y 
I    ij    d    rt    v(.  I     inio     )ne    year    of   studying:   and   bo^an    in 
February    196I    -    with    i^nglish    as    my    fourth    lanffuage, 
as    a    student    in    the    Nursing   department , since    this 
was    the    only   division    with    an    ujiderf;raduato    program. 
131-1 1    ....    I    was    optimistic,     thinking,    that    if   all 
should    go   wrong    ^    could    return    to   my   Job    at 
llarton  '  s    O.indy • 


-    279    - 


THE 


N    B    W 


LIFE 


Thus,     seven    years    had    passed    .since    I    made    my    three 
wishes  —  (     seoin?,'     my    mother,    getting    a    furcoat    and 
buying   a   piano;    whxie    entering   barton's    Uandy   as    a 
"manager    m    training"    for   O.75   Cts.    an    nour, 
^evertheiess,    I   missed    going    there lOecause    it   had 
always    been    em    escape    from    ^opressions    on    lonely 
weekends    and   holidays,      .undenly    1    found   myself   alone 
coping    with    problems    I    never    imagined. 
The    situation    reminded    me    of    the    time    when    I    left 
Charlie's    factory     ind    none    of    the    dressmakers    would 
ever    get    in    touch    with   me,    although   we    worked    together 
for  more    than    ten    years. 

The    other    surprise    ceune    from    Joseph, w'f.o    did    not    wish 
to    give    t!ie    anymore    piano    lessons,    since    he    claimed    to 
have    a   different    philosophy    than    that    of   Teachers 
College, 

However,    in   my   need    for    friends    I    gradually    succeeded 
to   get    some    support    among   staff  members.    Having   lived 
like    an    "outcast"    for   many    years    1   necessitated    an    entire 
gamut    of   behavioral    changes    for    a   university. 
Moreover,    when    ^    saw   my   m  i tl.ema tici m    friend    again   he 
said,     thafthis    time    he    will    only    be    able    to    see   me    m 
tne   morning,    since    he    Ccune    with    his    "new   wife," 
Although    he    always    compared    his    family    in    ^gland    with 
a   cenetary,    he   never   mentioned    a   divorce. Since    I   was 
sufficiently    infatuated,    his    statement    came    as    a   shock 


■"■"I^n 


-    280    - 


.ind    resulted    in    a    sudden    and    violent    outburst    of 
my   menstruation,    which    did    not    stop    for    weeks, 
feeling    lost    without    a   male    companion,     being    limited 
tinancially    ajid    trapped    between    the    needed    psycho- 
logical   balance    and    the    anxiety    to    succeed    at 
Teachers    College,    i    decided    to    disregard   my    body's 
reac  tions • 

Only    months    later,    when    the    staining   persisted 
and    1    be^^•In    to    weaken    did    ^    realize    that,    as    a 
full    time    student    i    was    insured    to    see    a   physician 
at    the      hospital. 

Thus,    I    met    a    fTynae^o  ^ ogis  t ,    who    not    only    restored 
my   health,    but    with    his    extraordinary    capacity 
for    empathy    helped    me    to    overcome    my    distress, 
I    did    not    have    to     tell     him    my    rather    sad    tale,,, 

he    knew,    in    fact,    he    always    did (to    this    day) 

After   my    hospitalization    under    the    magnificent    care 
of    this    man    ^eachers    College    seemed    to    be   more 
familiar    territory    and    the    tests    ajid    term    papers 
appeared    easier. 

However,     the      prestige    to    be    a   successftil    student 
bolstered   not    only   my    ego,    but    also    flattered    the 
vanity    of  my    fiunily    and    friends    -    and    particularly 
Antonio,    who    just    returned    from   his     job    in    (Georgia, 
The    busy    schedule    at   Teachers    ^ollege    apart    from 
working    for    Arthur   in    England,     the    piano    lessons 
with    one    of  Joseph's    students,    in    addition    to 
my    sociil    life,    supplied   me    with   sufficient 
stimuli    to    continue    pursuing    the   idea   of  music 
for   handicapped    children. 


.  »<tg;i>^^H'>*'V. 


I* 


-    281    - 

One    day    I    had    to    see    someone    in    an    office    at    the 
elee:ant   upper    East    sid^of    Fifth    Avenue.    *hile   waiting, 
the    secretary    started    a    conversation    when    I    mentioned 
my    interest   in    music    for   handicapped    children. 
She    seemed    familiar   with    the    subject    .ind    supplied 
me    with    the   name    and    address      of    a   music    therapist 
in    Philadelptiia. 

It    was    May    when    1    wrote    him    whereupon    he    canr^    to    my 
apartment    to    tnlk    to   me.    .^ince    he    sensed   my    interest 
he    invited    me    to    come    to    Ihiladelphia    to    observe 
him    at    the    iiosnital, 

^^e   had    a   partner   helping:    the    psychotic    children    at 
their    percussion    instriments    while    he    improvised- 
singing   .ilon^    at    the    piano. 

It    was    fascinating    to    see    how   he    "disciplined"    the 
wild    outbursts    of    these    youngsters    witn    his    own 
rhythm    to    an    acceptable    tempo    .and   musical    organi- 
zation. 

Wlien    i    told   him   my    intention    to    see   my    mother  in 
^gland   now,    before    starting    on    my    first    teaching 
job,    he    eagerly    suggested    including  a   visit    to    the 
Sunfield   Home      near   Birminghcun.    He    would    arrange    for 
me    to    stay    there    overnight    so    that    I    would    get 
acquainted    wi  tli    the    tetuii    dedicated    to    "The    f^orgotton 
Children"  (.is    they    were    labelled). 


hi 


-  282  - 


I 


With  a  Bplus  average  at  Teachers  College  and  a 

sigTied  contract  for  my  first  teaching  job,  I  left 

for  London  on  a  Columbia  charter  plane. 

Although  usually  I  went  to  England  to  see  my  mother, 

this  time  I  also  thought  of  investigating  the 

possibility  of  living  there  again. 

It  was  more  them  twenty  years  ago  now,  that  I 

arrived  in  New  York  via  Cuba  in  a  rather  slow  moving 

vessel,  where  I  had  a  most  wonderful  time  among 

mostly  Spanish  speaking  people. 

Rather  excited  and  immensely  happy  to  have  escaped 

the  war,  confident  of  Charlie  whom  I  trusted  like  a 

father,  I  discarded  my  previous  nightmares  and  the 

sorrow  of  leaving  t^urope,  since  I  was  determined 

to  return. 

However,  my  calculations  were  premature  for  the 

unexpected  break  with  ^harlie  and  my  divorce  had 

changed  everything.  But  now  in  1962,  having  received 

my  certi  fioQ-tion  as  a  speacial  education  teacher  I 

hoped  again  to  resettle  in  Europe, 

Although  'hnerica  gave  me  shelter  and  opportunity,  I 

longed  for  being  back  among  my  own  people, 

■Profoundly  bruised  psychologically  from  all  that  had 

happened,  I  yearned  for  my  mother,  a  familiar  culture, 

mentality  and  environment. 

Ten  years  ago  when  ^harlie  blojokmailed  me  to  accept 

money  for  a  trip  to  Israel  it  deemed  "natural"  to 


v^ 


-  283  - 


establish  myself  there  with  my  sister  and  her  family. 
But,  although  I  loved  Israel,  for  me  i t  was  alien 
territory.  It  was  London   with  my  mother,  other  family 
members  and  old  friends,  where  I  wished  to  live  more 
than  anywhere  else. 

Yet,  by  facing  this  realistically,  such  as  the  expenses 
of  moving,  finding  a  job  and  a  place  to  live  ^  arrived 
at  the  rather  painful  but  inevitable  conclusion,  that 
actually  -■-  had  no  choice  but  to  remain  in  the  States. 
Th±S    had  been  a  dream  of  long  ago  -  in  a  time  that  had 
ceased  to  exist. 

Moreover,  having  borrowed  money  from  the  Bank  for  my 
studies  I  knew,  that  I  had  to  froe  myself  first  from 
financial  obligations,  ^his  was  feasable  only  by  working 
and  saving,  so  that  I  had  a  chance  to  spend  my  vacations 
in  Europe, 

Under  the  circumstances  it  was  the  only  alternative 
but,  by  having  succeeded  to  become  an  American  citizen 
gmd  to  receive  my  teacher  certification  from  a  presti- 
gious University,  I  had  established  the  foundation  from 
where  I  could  develop  my  interest  wOw  only  in  music, 
but  particularly  in  music  for  handicapped  children. 


-    284    - 


1 


> 


1  1 


\-  m. 


or 


s  ter 


'        ]    '  :i 


1    :".v    ^fi.M.     (received     1073) 


:^JO\- 


I  ;  ;  i       < 


XI  .S  I.  f 


t  i  or: 


ct      n.ir  t  icul  ar  1  V 


r>'  r.  to 


Vnr 


nferonces 


riius  1  c 


)no 


o    speirl 


ca  L  1    'H 


uro 


1 1^    o   1     »     -». 


I  IJ 


'  *  .   i    V*    i 


k  t..'  i 


i  n  t  e  i~ 


cu::;^ 


rCSG   iVcV% 


1  O' 


1  n  lorn.v  '■:±<' 


vears 


we 


oV 


V  i  V  i  O  •  ' 

1      U-SOvl 


L-rA 


v> 


"hlch    n 


t.'ki 


to 


o     to 


1  vr.  tcr 


u 


o 


c  ^'     o 


u  -  \    1  i> 


nove 


1     L 


<    '.V 


liu  i  I  '  1  i  n 


1 1  owin/' 


'hor< 


u.il      1 


I  it: en  i    u;:;:e  r 


di  r«.*c  ti  on 
throe 


-  286  - 


lUblio/craphy  on  Music  Hierapy  (geared  towards  the  Har.dicapned 
Child.  ^* 

United  Cerebral  Palsy  -^ss.  of  New  York  State,  Inc.  I969. 


"'"Music  as  a  Facilitator  for  Visual  Motor  ^equencinr  Tasks  in 
Children  with  ^erebral  Palsy."  (  To.'Tethor  with  Ur.L.  i)iller 
and  Marilyn  Urgel )  Dovelopinon  tal  Medicine  /^_';;^;iild  Neurology  ,19? 

3 
"  reaching:  Matliema  Lies  to  a  Mui  Lihandicapped  Roy  ,  "  \  Case  Study 
British  Society  for  the  -^tudy  of  Mental  Subno  rrr.ali  t  v ,  I976 . 

Reprinted  in  the  "Visually  Handicap" 

In  tcrnaLional  Kehabili  t  tcion  Schindele  Verla/r  1976 

Reprinted   by  AS_ET(  /vss.  for  Educational  Techno  J  o/Ty,  1^77, 

a)"^on,':s  of  F.air.iliar  and  not  so  Pamiliar  Melodies" 
Unite*!  ^orebral  Palsy  of  New  York  City  Inc.  19b  ♦• 

b)  "'Another  perspective:  A  personal  experience  in  Music  l>ierapy" 
SOCIAL  PSYCHIATRY   Plenum  Press  London  198^. 

c)"Scudy  showing  effect  of  Musical  ^ovs  on  i<etarded  '^hildren" 
ClilLI)'.^  PLAY,   USA  loy  Library  Kss .  I0.S3. 


riie  Use  of  >!usic  t o  ^'aci  1  i  tato  Learn i n r  in  a  Class  with 
>:ul  Lihandicapped  Chi  idren.  -     - 

Video  :  ->on  Brockway 

^)    The  Application  of  a  Color  Sequence  to  Teach  Mathematics 
to  a  Mul  tihruHJlcapped  CirJ:  '*•  Case  Study* 
Video:  Uon  Brockway  1Q79 

Received  cor t i  f i_c aj^e  of  Meri  t  f r  )m  the  International 
Film (Rehab)  Festival  Fordhiun  Lniversity,  IO80, 

^  )  Uearninf:  ^\l r o li^i i_jVs s o c i ation  rrocessinfr  :  A  C as o  S  tud y 
Video:  ^oirilrockway'  1981".  (  ^  finalist')" 


5r. 


F^ifth    International    Con^^ress    of    the    In  lernativ^nal    Ass.     for 
the    Scientific    Study    of    MIONTA!.    IjKFICTFNCY 
Jerusalem J    1979, 


-    287    - 


a)  Third    in  uernational    'Conference    for    "Special    i^dvicition 
(EASE)    COMMLMCATiON     \NM)    HANDTT:  \l',     Helsinki^    Finland,    I98O 

b)  ^i/^th    World    Lon^ross    of    SOClAt.    KS Y CH I  \ TRY    ,     Za/rreb, 
Yo^^oslavia,    19^1. 

c)  TSME    International    MU  S  [  C    El  )UC  AT  ION    CO  X  PKRKXt"  E ,     Bristol, 
^nfjland,    1982. 

d)  International    S>anposium    in    MU  S  T  C  .  M  E I  )I  C I N  E ,  E  DU  C  ATT  O  N , 

AND    TilKRATY    for    the    ilmdicappcd.    Ebeltoft,     Denmark,    IO83. 


fc^^'^N 


*   *  «  ■!»•    *     •     •     •      • 


(jne    day    a    poem   my    late    sister   wrote    after  my 
mother's    death    intri;;ued   nio     to    compile    pictures,    poems 
and    letters    from    the    j.kis  t    for   my    sister's    children^  v/ho 
lived    in    Israel. 

It    took   many    years    to    pat    it    all     to/ce  thor .  .  .  .     and    it    was 
followed    by    my     traiisl.   lion    of    a    riiary    I    kept    durin/r    the 
war    and    finally    endeti    with    another   book   dcscrit>in/'^  niy 
agoni/inc    adjustment    in    Now     York. 

Recall in^T    the    past    in    those    many    details    was    an    extra- 
ordinary   experience    as    it    almost     felt    like    a    "double    life"    - 
that    of    tlie    person    I    had    been    and    my    present    self. 


^^^, 


"Family    Era/;ments"       LE«)    aAECK    INSTITUTE    (vrchives) 
"Letters    to    my    Mother"       I.Kf-    !'^^r\-   TN'STinJTE    (Archives) 

"The    Time    of   Ad  jus  tn.en  t "    L'jrt    [_:LtO    BAFOCK    I     STlTi'TR    (Archives) 

"The    Time    of   -adjustment"    l^irt   II     (Hie    -^plit) 


-    288    - 


r 


Actually    1    revived     the    people   I    loved, (and    lost)     thei 

environment,    clothes    and    behavior. 

In   my    memory   I    "heard"     their    lau<-hter,    "felt"    their 


tenderness    for   rne    and    roco/nii^^ed    their    anxiet 


les 


However,    n 


ow 


as    1    am    a!  out    t       finish 


ny    "tale"    I 


ain    overcome    wi  tii    profound    nostalgia, 


My   world     is    it    wcri 


has    ceased    t 


o    exist 


It    almost    s corns    as    Sal 


man    i<ushdie    recentlv    exclai 


med 


that    bein/T    an    exile    ii 
one  '  s    niemory 


leans    to    hnv 


o    one ' s    roots    in 


IM;iMW-"r'.'i.,>»NuiWf' 


^ 


H^^      L-  '     ^^RGS 


wmmm 


c 


0/     foji^ 


%• 


^4  A"^    /^^y^2^^^^^^ 


o 


,.^w 


^iU 


^^  ^ijr/^^oA     ^^^ 


C^h   <^/<*    ^^/  ^  ^^  ^^  ^'iS'  2 


i^4.^  ^/>^<^^rj^. 


y^l^^X 


ZJ^^^o 


Uia.r    /^7' 


Max  L.  Bcrges 
Woodland  Park  Estates 
12  A   Olive  Drive 
Woodland  Hills, 
Calif.   91364. 


Approximately 
150.000 
words . 


PLEASE.  DON'T  WORRY! 


NOTHING  CAME  OF  IT! 


The  travels  and  travails 

of  two  people  and  a  guardian  angel 

without  a  country. 

By  Max  L.  Berges. 


• 


All  rights  reserved. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


To  my  beloved  wife  Annie 

who  prodded  me  into  writing  this  book 


"Life  is  a  treasure  we  have  got  to 
cherish  and  we  must  tend  it  with 
everlasting  care  and  devotion,  so 
that  when  the  hour   comes  when  we 
must  return  it  to  the  Donor,  He 
will  not  be  disappointed  with  the 
way  we  have  taken  care  of  it,  for 
He  is  a  severe  judge  in  such  matters 
and  allows  no  excuses  for  indiffer* 
ence,  negligence  or  careless  workman^ 
ship." 


Hendrick  Willem  Van  Loon. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


I  gratefully  acknowledge  the  unselfish  help 
I  have  received  from  Mr.  Gustave  Schindler 
of  the  Albert  Einstein  Foundation  as  well 
as  from  Mrs.  Margaret  Bush  and  the  late 
Mrs.  Else  Staudinger  of  The  American 
Council  For  Refugees  in  the  Professions. 

Max  L.  Berges. 


All  incidents  and  characters  in 


this  book  are  basically  true. 
Only  some  of  the  names  have  been 
changed  or  the  first  letter  been 


used  to  save  embarrassment  to  those 


concerned. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


TABLE  OF  C0NTI-:NTS: 


Chapter: 


ONE: 


FOUR: 


FIVE: 


SIX: 


NINE: 


BY  WAY  OF  AN  INTRODUCTION 


WHO  AM  I? 


TWO:      MEET  TIMOTHY,  MY  GUARDIAN  ANGEL 
THREE:    WHO  IS  SHE? 


FROM  WEST  TO  EAST 

SHANGHAI  -  WHEN  SHE  STILL  V;AS 

SHANGHAI 

EXIT  SHANGHAI  /  ENTER  MANILA 


SEVEN:    MANILA  AND  ILOILO,  P.I. 


EIGHT:    FROM  EAST  TO  WEST 


THE  PURSUIT  OF  HAPPINESS 


-  •  - 


I 
I 

21 
42 
78 


151 
259 
325 
476 
551 


• 


• 


BY  WAY  OF  AN  INTRODUCTION 


Like  the  Greek  cynical  philoso- 
pher Diogenes,  who  in  daylight  carried  a  lantern  to  find 
an  honest  man,  so  one  might  nowadays  carry  a  flashlight 
to  find  a  decent  man  who  honestly  could  or  would  say  a 
kind  word  for  the  mass-murderer  Adolf  Hitler.  And  yet  - 
although  not  by  design  -  he  unknowingly  became  the  instru=» 
raent  to  bestow  upon  us  a  great  blessing.  If  it  had  not  been 
for  him,  we  might  never  have  emigrated  from  Germany.  If  it 
had  not  been  for  him,  we  most  probably  never  would  have 
become  American  citizens.  Nothing  in  our  lives  we  cherish 
more  than  our  American  citizenship.  (Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  wher- 
ever you  are) . 

Indeed,  if  this  Belial  had  not  come  to  power  in  Germany, 
my  travels  with  Annie  through  many  parts   of  the  world  would 
not  have  materialized.  Please,  understand  that  we  did  not 
travel  for  our  pleasure  or  as  tourists.  Nonetheless,  we  have 
seen  more  of  this  world  thanks  to  Hitler  than  most  people 
ever  have  or  will.  We  did  not  have  an  easy  time  of  it.  Still, 
we  would  not  wish  to  miss  any  of  our  experiences,  bad,  sad, 
good,  joyful  or  whatever. 

After  escaping  from  Nazi-Germany  with  but  a  few  pos- 
sessions and  very  little  money  in  our  pocket  we  have  journeyed 
from  continent  to  continent,  from  one  lan//or  nation  to  another, 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    itl 


II. 


from  islands  to  other  islands.  The  choice  had  not  been  ours, 
and  we  do  not  recommend  exile  for  anyone  unless  it  is  a 
matter  of  life  or  death.  Sometimes  we  only  traveled  through 
for  a  few  hours,  at  other  times  we  stayed  for  a  few  days, 
for  several  weeks  or  months  or  even  for  a  year  or  two  in 
countries  or  places  like  Poland,  Kussia  under  Stalin, 
Siberia,  Manchuria  (called  Manchukuo  at  that  time  when  the 
Japanese  occupied  it),  China,  Japan,  Hong  Kong,  the  Philippine 
Islands,  Singapore,  the  Malay  Peninsula,  the  island  of  Sum* 
atra  in  the  then  Dutch-East  Indies,  Colombo  on  the  island 
of  Ceylon,  the  Suez  Canal,  Port  Said,  Italy,  the  Straits 
of  Gibraltar  and  England.  We  have  crossed  many  rivers  and 
mountain  ranges,  sailed  over  oceans  and  seas,  through 
channels  and  straits  until  we  finally  reached  these  United 
States  of  America  . 

After  all  our  wanderings,  or  globe-trotting  so  to  speak, 
after  all  we  have  seen  and  experienced,  after  all  our  travels 
and  travails  we  have  learned  that  in  all  the  world  this 
great  country  of  ours  cannot  be  surpassed.  There  is  no 
better,  no  finer,  no  more  exciting  and  freer  nation  than 
these  United  States.  (Sorry,  Mr.  K.  ,  wherever  you  are). 
There  is  no#  better  way  of  life  anywhere,  no  better  chances 
to  get  ahead,  no  better  opportunities  to  obtain  an  education 


whatever  color  of  skin,  whatever  creed  or  former  nationality 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itl 


III. 


% 


one  has.  An  individual,  if  he  or  she  puts  his  or  her  mind 
to  It,  can  rise  from  poverty  to  wealth,  from  ignorance  to 
knowledge,  and  nevermind  what  all  the  extremists  may  claim. 
In  these  present  times,  when  it  is  no  longer  fashionable  to 
be  a  square  and  a  patriot,  we  -  my  wife  Annie  and  I  -  have 
often  been  put  down.  We  have  been  called  Chauvinists  and 
Fascists  when  we  praised  this  land,  and  Communists  when  we 
opposed  racism  and  any  other  ugly  forms  of  prejudice.  We 
have  been  called  many  names  although  all  we  claim  is  that 
we  are  faithful  and  loyal  Americans,  which  includes  praise 
without  excluding  criticism.  We  do  not  like  the  Birchers 
and  the  Minutemen  on  the  one  side,  and  the  S.D.S.  students, 
the  Weathermen  and  the  Black  Panthers  on  the  other. 

Sorry,  I  guess  I  went  off  the  subject.  In  all  proba= 
bility  I  will  do  so  again  and  again.  Thoughts  have  the  habit 
of  running  hither  and  thither  and  cannot  always  be  stopped. 
Right  now,  for  instance,  I  am  reminded  of  Socrates  who  said: 
"The  sun  could  as  easily  be  spared  from  the  universe  as  free 
speech  from  society.  Life  that  is  not  tested  by  discussion 
is  not  worth  living."  The  trouble  with  extremists  is  that 
they  demand  free  speech  for  themselves,  but  oppose  discussion. 

And,  friends  or  foes,  that  is  my  hang-up:  Free  dis» 
cussion.  I  am  going  to  let  my  thoughts  ramble  as  they  come, 
let  my  memories  revive  as  they  do,  and  my  mind  say  what  it 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    iti 


IV. 


likes.    I  do   not    care   on  whose   toes    I   will   step   and    I   am 
bound   to  step  on    some   whatever    I   say.    If  you   are  willing 
to    follow  rae    for    a  while,    you  might    shed   a   few   tears   here 
and   there,    or  sometimes   take  umbrage    at   me,    but   all    in    all 
you  might  get    interested    in   the    ventures    and    adventures   we 
managed    to   survive,    in   the    ideas    and   philosophy    I    intend 
to   dispense.    Perhaps    -    and    I   am    almost   certain   about    it    - 
occasionally   you   might   be    amused   although  now   and    then   you 
would  wish    that   you  could    punch  me    in   the  nose   or    feel    cora= 
pelled    to  write   a  kind   or   unkind    letter    to  me.    I  won't    stop 
you  -    even   if  I   could    -    in  whatever   you  wish    to  do   as    long 
you  will   go   on  reading. 

On  my   part    I   will   do  my  best  not    to  bore    you  with 
our  experiences,    our  bewilderment   at    times,    our  disap= 
pointments   and   frustrations   and   also   our  joys    and   sorrows 
while  we  were   two   people  without   a  country. 

So    -   come  along  with   us,    if  you  will,    please.    You 
won't   regret    it.    At   least,    ray  wife  Annie,    my   guardian   angel 
Timothy    and    I  hope   so.    I  cannot   promise    you   any   straight 
chronology.    We  might   be   for  one   moment   at   one    place   and    for 
the  next   somewhere  else.   The   events    of  yesterday,    today   and 
tomorrow  won't  appear    in   the   regular   order  of    time.    I   will 
just   let  my    fingers  dance   over    the   keys   of  my    typewriter, 
but    rest   assured    I  won't  annoy   you  with   an   autobiographical 
autobiography   -   if   that  makes   any   sense   to  you.    It   does    to 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


V. 


% 


me  and  you  will  understand  as  the  book  develops. 

No  doubt,  at  one  time  or  other  most  of  you  have  taken 
a  roller-coaster  ride.  That's  what  our  life  has  been  for 
several  years.  Figuratively  speaking  we  were  riding  a 
roller-coaster.  Up  and  down.  Down  and  up.  Sometimes  in 
slow  motion,  sometimes  so  fast  that  we  were  left  dizzy  or 
shaken.  And  if  I  say  "we'  ,  I  mean  Annie,  my  wife,  Timothy, 
my  guardian  angel,  and  myself.  Our  ups  and  downs  were  not 
of  the  ordinary  kind.  After  all,  anyone  experiences  ups 
and  downs  during  the  span  of  a  lifetime,  but  let  me  ask 
you  for  instance  who  of  you  in  the  dark  of  the  night  had 
to  get  out  of  a  beautiful  apartment,  furnished  with  love, 
leaving  behind  a  valuable  library  and  knowing  that  you 
never  will  be  allowed  to  return  and  claim  your  property? 
Just  leave  to  save  your  very  lives?  Just  leave  with  a  few 


suitcases  and  nothing  else?  That's  exactly  what  we 


had 


to  do  one  night.  That's  how  we  were  starting  «i  our  travels 
and  travails  as  people  without  a  country,  totally  doubtful 
of  our  final  destiny.  We  had  to  abandon  burgeoning  careers 
and  never  could  catch  up  with  them  again.  We  have  been  in 
heaven  and  hell  and  in  between.  We  have  known  the  joy  of 
remaining  alive  ahid    the  disaster  of  hunger  and  near-star- 
vation. We  have  pursued  our  lost  happiness  for  years  and 
then  found  it  when  we  did  not  expect  it  anymore.  It  was  a 
long  and  hard  road.  Yet,  we  have  survived. 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


VI. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  1  - 


All  right,  friends  or  foes,  let's  face  it.  It's  up 
to  you  if  we  will  stay  together  for  a  while  or  perhaps 
all  the  way  to  the  last  page.  And  if  you  want  to  know  the 
truth,  my  guardian  angel  Timothy  is  not  very  optimistic 
about  ray  writing  this  book  or  that  anyone  will  ever  care 
to  read  it.  It's  his  nature  to  be  pessimistic  and  please 
don't  mind  him.  He  has  an  unavoidable  way  of  budding  in 
from  time  to  time  and  being  my  guardian  angel  I  can't  re« 
fuse  him  if  he  also  wants  to  have  his  say.  One  should  never 
underestimate  the  importance  of  having  a  guardian  angel, 
even  some  one  like  Timothy,  who  is  not  exactly  the  most 
cheerful  celestial  companion. 


CHAPTER  ONE 


WHO  AM  I? 


I  wonder,  if  anyone  truly  and 
honestly  knows  who  he  actually  is.  A  date  of  birth,  a 
given  name,  a  profession  or  occupation  can  not  be  the 
answer  to  this  self-defeating  question.  Perhaps  character 
and  a  way  of  thinking  or  believing  can  be,  although  I  even 
doubt  that. 

Well,  who  am  I?  A  cog  in  a  wheel?  A  part  of  a  system? 
A  psychic  body  that  sees  and  can  be  seen  according  to  Brah- 
manic  dogma?  Does  nationality,  religion,  color  of  skin  really 
matter?  All  £>j1<:now  for  certain  is  that  I  am  a  human  being. 
Anything  else  is  guesswork.  "Which  of  us  is  not,  forever, 
a  stranger  and  alone?"  So  asked  Thomas  Wolfe  in  "Look 
homeward.  Angel".  Who  am  1? 

When  Annie  and  I  lived  in  Shanghai  the  Chinese  called 


me 


Liu  Fai  Pei.  I  forgot  what  it  means  and  in  case  you  are 


curious  try  and  ask  a  Chinese.  It  so  happened  that  I  was 
born  in  Hamburg,  Germany,  on  November  19th.  Please,  don't 
tell  me  under  what  sign  I  was  brought  into  the  world.  I 
don't  believe  in  astrology.  As  far  as  I  am  concerned  it  is 
a  most  lamentable  hoax,  perpetrated  on  mankind  for  too  many 
centuries.  (There  you  see,  I'm  already  stepping  on  other 
peoples'  toes.  I  can  hear  the  anguished  outcries  of  the 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  2  - 


many  who  are  addicted  to  this  non-science.)  Hitler  very 
much  relied  on  astrology  and  see  where  it  got  hira. 

I  remember  that  a  few  days  after  Roald  Amundsen,  the 
famous  Norwegian  polar  explorer,  had  disappeared  in  an 
attempt  to  rescue  another  polar  explorer,  the  Italian 
Umberto  Nobile,  we  -  that  is  a  group  of  actors,  singers, 
writers  and  other  anomalous  people  -  were  sitting  in  the 
cellar  restaurant  of  the  Hamburg  City  Opera  House,  dis= 
cussing  this  event.  Among  us  happened  to  be  a  man  who  at 
that  time  was  considered  to  be  one  of  the  most  reputed 
atrologers  in  Germany.  He  told  us  that  he  had  studied 
Amundsen's  astrological  chart.  Without  the  shadow  of  a 
doubt,  so  he  predicted,  Amundsen  was  alive  and  would  sur= 
face  on  a  certain  day  at  a  certain  time.  That  certain  day 
and  certain  time  came  and  nothing  happened.  To  the  best 
of  my  knowledge  we  never  exactly  found  out  how  Amundsen 
perished.  But  perish  he  did.  This  same  astrologer,  whose 
knowledge  in  his  chosen  field  was  supposed  to  be  unas= 
sailable,  also  predicted  that  I  would  become  a  very  rich 
and  famous  man.  Again  he  was  wrong  -  at  least  so  far.  I 
didn't  get  rich  or  famous,  thank  the  Lord.  As  a  matter  of 
fact,  I  never  had  enough  time  to  spare  getting  rich  and 
never  cared  as  long  as  1  had  one  cent  more  than  we  needed 
although  there  were  timeiwhen  we  didn't  have  that  extra 
cent.  My  knowledge  about  money  is  almost  nil.  I  believe 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  3  - 


% 


what  HC/fTy  David  Thorcau  said,  "The  only  wealth  is  life". 

If  there  is  anything  remarkable  about  November  19th, 
I  haven't  found  out  yet.  However,  President  Lincoln  de- 
livered his  Gettysburg  address  on  a  November  19th  and  that 
is  certainly  a  very  remarkable  event  in  world  history.  The 
Austrian  composer  Franz  Schubert  died  on  a  November  19th, 
but  that's  all  I  can  tell  you  about  this  date. 

As  far  as  my  place  of  birth,  Hamburg,  is  concerned,  I 
do  not  have  an  excuse.  Any  place  in  the  United  States,  even 
Tombstone  in  Arizona,  would  have  suited  me  much  better.  I 
never  have  been  in  Tombstone,  so  please   anybody  living 
there  don't  think  I  am  downgrading  this  good  town.  I  just 
chose  it  as  an  example  because  the  name  Tombstone  for  a 
city  is  very  intriguing. 

Since  I  never  had  any  delusions  about  myself,  I  also 
had  never  any  need  to  be  psycho-analyzed.  The  very  fact  is 
that  in  my  opinion  I  was  bom  a  nut  and  did  not  change  much 
over  the  years.  However,  don't  get  me  wrong,  I'm  in  no  way 
mentally  deficient,  or  at  least  I  do  not  think  so.  At  times, 
and  whenever  it  suited  me,  I  have  sufficiently  conformed  to 
fit  into  normal  society  -  although  there  isn't  anything  like 
a  normal  society. 

Some  years  ago,  when  I  had  to  undergo  an  exploratory 
operation,  my  doctor  sent  me  first  to  a  psycholoj)fist  in 
order  to  feel  assured  that  the  pains  I  complained  about  were 
not  Imaginary^  since  all  medical  tests,  including  x-rays^ 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  4  - 


had  been  negative.  The  psychologist  and  I  had  a  very 
pleasant  talk  which  he  suddenly  terminated  because  in 
his  opinion  I  was  wasting  his  valuable  time.  So  I  had 
this  exploratory  operation  and  as  it  turned  out  I  did  not 
waste  the  surgeon's  time. 

Who  am  I?  Like  you,  I  would  say,  I  am  a  member  of  the 
human  race.  No  more,  no  less.  As  Mark  Twain  said,  "Worse 
I  can  say  of  no  man". 

Politically  and  emotionally  I  am  moderate  as  dis= 
tinguished  from  liberal.  Having  personally  experienced 
life  under  a  dictatorship  and  observed  it  for  a  short 
time  under  another  dictatorship,  I  am  uncompromisingly 
opposed  to  any  extremism,  be  it  of  the  left  or  the  right. 
I  do  not  understand  how  it  is  logically  and  rationally 
possible  to  be  anti-Communistic  and  at  the  same  time  pro- 
Fascistic  or  vice  versa.  Both  these  so-called  ideologies 
are  basically  alike  in  their  final  aims:  The  destruction 
of  democracy,  that  is  liberty  and  freedom  for  all,  and 
the  in>4tallation  of  an  imperialistic  dictatorship. 

Religiously  I  am  a  deist  and  so  is  Annie  (or  at  least 

so  she  has  become  after  having  been  married  to  me  for  a 

while) .  We  do   not  belong  to  any  of  the  mechanical  and 

neither/ 
organized  religious  sects,  hi^£/lo   we  abide  agnosticism 

or  atheism.  We  believe  in  the  unlimited  power  of  prayer 

and  not  a  day  goes  by  that  we  do  not  pray  to  God  together 

and  thank  Him  for  His  goodness.  We  are  able  to  converse  with 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  5  - 


S 


God  so  much  better  without  interference  by  man-made  rituals 
and  dogmas  or  any  allegedly  professional  men  of  God. 

My  pet  peeve  are  the  so-called  Evangelists.  I  won't 
say  what  I  think  of  them  because  I  do  not  like  libel  suits. 

"Lbelieve  in  one  God,  and  no  more,"  so  wrote  Thomas 
Paine  in  "The  Age  of  Reason"  and  so  do  Annie  and  I  think, 
'*and  I  hope  for  happiness  beyond  this  life.  I  believe  that 
religious  duties  exist  in  doing  justice,  loving  mercy,  and 
endeavouring  to  make  our  fellow  creatures  happy.  1  do  not 
believe  in  the  creed  professed  by  any  church  that  I  know 
of.  Religion  is  not  an  act  that  can  be  performed  by  proxy. 
Every  person  must  perform  it  for  himself." 

Who  am  I?  Once  by  birth  and  not  by  choice  I  was  a 
German  citizen  and  now  solely  by  choice  I  am  an  American 
citizen  which  suits  me  so  much  better  although  I  have  no 
animosity  against  Germany  whatsoever.  On  the  contrary  I 
admire  the  industry  of  the  present  Democratic  Republic  of 
West-Germany  and  don't  equate  it  with  the  Nazi-Germany  of 
the  past.  As  an  Ame>tican  citizen  -  albeit  a  naturalized  one  - 
I  have  not  acquired  the  untenable  attitude  of  some  Americans 
to  feel  superior  to  members  of  other  nations.  Notwithstanding 
and  despite  my  aversion  to  general  prejudices  I  have  become 
antagonistic  toward  the  Arabs  and  their  late  Fuehrer  Gamal 
Abdal  Nasser  in  particular.  Their  stupidity  is  monumental, 
but  as  Friedrich  Schiller,  the  classical  German  poet,  wrote 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-  6  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  7  - 


in  his  play  "Die  feindlichen  Brucder"  (The  hostile  Brothers): 
"Mit  der  Dummheit  kaempfen  Goettcr  selbst  vorgebens".  Against 
stupidity  even  the  Gods  fight  in  vain. 

The  Arabs  with  their  vast  land  acreage  can  and  could 
easily  give  up  the  small  strip  which  originally  belonged 
to  the  Jews  anyway.  Under  the  many  centuries  of  Moslem  and 
Arab  rule  this  land  was  left  to  barrenness.  The  miracle  the 
Jews  performed  in  Palestine  and  the  few  years  of  Israel's 
existence  should  have  been  an  inspiration  to  the  Arabs 
and  to  Mr.  Nasser.  Instead  it  provoked  envy  and  malevo= 
lence.  It  is  one  of  the  great  tragedies  of  mankind  that 
the  Semitic  Arabs  refuse  to  reach  out  their  hands  in  peace 
to  the  Semitic  Jews,  their  brothers. 

In  anything  but  hatred  for  the  Jews  Mr.  Nasser  had 
been  a  failure,  the  same  as  Hitler,  Mussolini  and  Stalin 
were  failures.  Perhaps  if  it  weren't  for  the  evil  designs 
of  Communist  Russian  Imperialism  the  Arab  nations  would 
have  found  a  way  to  live  in  peace  and  friendship  with  the 
State  of  Israel.  If  that  ever  comes  to  pass,  the  entire 
Mid-East  would  be  changed  into  a  modern  Garden  of  Eden. 

Who  am  I?  A  man  with  a  sense  of  humor.  Consequently 
I  am  suspicious  of  people  who  lack  this  sense.  Hitler  and 
Stalin  had  none,  and  I  think  neither  had  Nasser  and  Musso= 
lini.  Otherwise  I  cannot  think  of  having  any  prejudice  which, 
of  course, is  not  quite  normal.  Prejudices  always  have  ruled 


and  probably  will  rule  the  world.  I  am  a  poor  capitalist 
for  not  being  a  Communist.  I  thoroughly  distrust  the  stock 
market,  having  an  Idea  (perhaps  wrongly)  that  It  Is  being 
manipulated  by  a  few  egotistic  financiers.  Gambling,  I  am 
sure,  would  bore  me  to  death  as  does  playing  cards  or  games. 
Although  we  do  not  llv^very  far  from  Las  Vegas,  we  have 
never  bothered  to  visit  It. 

Certainly,  like  anybody  else  we  did  not  escape  Las 
Vegas  or  Reno  on  the  movie  or  TV  screens,  always  wondering 
why  gambling  had  to  be  made  so  much  more  attractive  by 
elaborate,  super-dlmen,ional  shows?  It  Is  generally  assumed 
that  the  desire  for  gambling  like  alcoholism  is  one  of  the 
most  common  human  psychological  aliments.  The  Las  Vegas 
Strip  (or  whatever  It  Is  called)  with  Its  gigantic  neon- 
signs  over-exposes  all  the  vulgarity  of  a  carnal  carnival. 
Moreover,  nothing  looks  more  abhorrent  and  pitiful  than  the 
faces  of  some  of  the  old  and  middle-aged  women,  working  the 
slot-machines  like  robots.  The  money  lost  In  the  Nevada 
gambling  casinos  could  cure  much  want  and  hunger  In  the 
world.  Irving  Katz,  Chairman  of  the  Psychology  Department 
of  the  Nevada  Southern  University^  defined  this  modem  Sodom 
and  Gomorrah,  originally  created  by  the  Crime  Syndicate, 
with  these  words:  "Las  Vegas  is  a  focus  of  all  our  national 
ailments  and  problems.  Success  Is  judged  by  wealth  alone, 
and  false  values  predominate". 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  8  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  9  - 


In  contrast  to  most  or  probably  all  other  people, 
who  very  much  like  money  or  the  possession  of  it,  I 
thoroughly  dislike  it.  Don't  get  me  wrong,  though,   I 
have  enough  common  sense  to  realize  that  in  this  world 
one  has  to  have  some  money  in  order  to  survive.  However, 
it  scares  me  that  like  slaves  we  are  so  dependent  on  it. 
Who  am  I?  I  think,  by  nature  I  am  a  re^el  without  a 
cause  because  I  don't  have  the  deep  desire  to  change  the 
world.  I  abhor  revolutions,  violence,  riots  and  any  gener=» 
alized  hatred.  Nonetheless  ,  I  once  belonged  to  an  anti- 
Nazi  underground  group,  dedicated  to  oppose  and  fight 
Nazism  as  well  as  Communism  by  any  means,  words  and  deeds >( 
at  our  command.  I  hate  wars,  and  yet  I  have  been  a  soldier 
in  a  war.  When  I  was  drafted  I  told  these  people  that  1 
was  deaf  in  one  ear  which  is  true.  I  was  assured  not  to 
worry  about  it  because  I  would  be  able  to  hear  the  shoot= 
ing  all  right.  The  very  moment  I  couldn't  hear  it  anymore, 
I  could  assume  to  be  dead.  They  were  right  I  heard  the 
shooting.  I  still  hate  wars  ,  but  1  don't  think  it  would 
ever  occur  to  me  to  bum  my  draft  card.  I  am  not  a  coward, 
and  I  think  that  my  country  has  the  right  to  call  me  for 
duty  when  she  needs  me.  That's  the  kind  of  square  rebel 


I  am. 


Who  am  I?  An  extrovert  who  secretly  is  an  introvert 
Crazy,  but  true.  Regretfully,  the  majority  of  people  in 


the  world  are  ambiverts.  In  psychology  an  amblvert  is 
some  one  who  is  neither  an  extro-  nor  an  introvert. If 
you  come  right  down  to  the  essentials,  not  the  dictators, 
the  politicians,  the  military,  or  whoever  else  In  this 
category,  are  responsible  for  our  wars,  but  the  ambi=» 
verts,  or  as  lately  Mr.  Nixon  called  them  -  the  silent 
majority.  They,  being  complacent,  let  their  leaders  as 
well  as  militant  rebels  get  away  with  murder  and  mass- 
murder.  The  worst  violators  against  world  peace  are  the 
professional  pacifists  themselves.  They  will  commit  any 
crime,  any  violence  in  order  to  feed  their  own  cowardice. 
We  cannot  be  unilaterally  pacific.  If  not  all  the  people 
in  all  the  world  go  onstrike  against  wars,  we  always  will 
have  wars.  We  cannot  have  a  one-sided  peace.  We  cannot 
protest  against  one  establishment  if  we  do  not  protest 
against  all  establishments  and  that  includes  the  Russian 
and  Red  Chinese  variety,  for  without  their  support  of 
wars  we  would  and  could  have  peace  in  the  world.  That's 
why  ever  since  Cain  slew  Abel  we  had  very  short  periods 
without  wars  and  mass-murder.  I  prefer  a  Ghandi  to  a 
Stalin  or  Hitler,  a  Dr.  Schweitzer  to  Ho  Chi-Min/^or  MacT 
<ze->Lung.  Sorry,  I  am  a  benevolent  rebel.  I  don't  want 
to  slay  my  enemies,  but  I  wish  these  Hitlers,  Stalins, 
Nassers  and  their  likes  would  never  again  be  duplicated. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  10  - 


Who  am  I?  If  nothing  else,  I  am  an  avid 


reader.  Like  a  drug  addict  suffers  when  he  doesn't  h 


ave 


his  jolt,  I  suffer  if  I  do  not  have  a  book  that  inter- 
ests me.  I  am  selective  in  what  I  read,  but  read  I  must. 
A  book  store  has  the  same  attraction  to  me  as  a  bar  for 
an  alcoholic. 

Felix  Frankfurter  said,  "Very  few  people  ever  read 
anything  except  the  headlines  and  the  commentators,  these 
great  raiseducators  of  the  American  public  in  giving  pep= 
sinized  knowledge  and  sometimes  half-knowledge."  Most 
people,  if  they  read  at  all,  turn  to  the  sports  pages 
of  a  newspaper  and  the  comic  strips  -  and  iv^hat  the  hell 
can  they  learn  from  that?  I  pity  them,  for  they  miss  the 
best  that  life  has  to  offer.  "Reading  is  the  heart  and 
soul  of  culture  in  its  highest  form."  So  wrote  Walter 
Pitkin  in  his  book  "Life  beins  at  Forty". 

I  honestly  believe,  if  it  weren't  for  the  majority 
of  non-readers,  the  uninformed  ones,  who  often  are  con=' 
vinced  they  know  everything,  the  world  could  be  at  peace. 
They  feed  on  their  own  prejudices  and  make  it  possible 
that  the  Hitlers,  Stalins,  Mussolinis,  Mao  Tze-Z^lngs  and 
Ho-Jhi  Min^  could  become  the  mass-murderers  of  our  times. 
They  with  their  untrained  minds  are  the  followers.  Igno- 
rance is  the  worst  of  all  human  shortcomings. 

Antfplease  do  not  tell  me  that  there  is  a  person  in 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-li- 


the world  who  hasn't  got  the  time  to  read.  They  have  time 
for  golf,  for  watching  television  and  sport  events,  and 
they  have  time  for  many  non-essential  matters  as  gossiping, 
playing  cards  and  gambling  for  instance.  If  one  wants  to 
read,  one  finds  time  to  read.  But  perhaps  Mark  Twain  was 
right  when  he  said,  "Let  us  be  thankful  for  fools.  But 
for  them  the  rest  of  us  can  succeed." 

The  people  I  fear  most  are  the  deadly  intellectuals. 
(Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  wherever  you  are).  They  always  have  been 
and  are,  to  be  sure,  a  small  minority,  but  they  constitute 
and  have  proven  to  be  extremely  dangerous  to  all  mankind. 
Luckily,  the  non-deadly  ones,  the  ones  who  have  shaped  and 
shape  our  world  affairs,  our  civilization,  our  culture,  are 
in  the  majority.  To  name  a  few  -  I  think  of  Socrates, 
Galileo,  Ghandi,  Dr. Schweitzer ,  Professor  Einstein,  John 
Kennedy,  Martin  Luther  King  Jr.  and  many  others.  The  deadly 
ones,  though,  are  the  destroyers,  the  enslavers,  the  conscious 
liars  and  tyrants.  They  are  greedy  for  power  and  would  commit 
any  ethical,  moral  and  physical  infamy  to  obtain  it.  They 
do  not  have  any  scruples  whether  they  align  themselves 
on  the  side  of  the  super-patriots  or  the  super-Marxists. 
Their  intellec tualism  has  gone  sour,  evil  and  hazarcjjpusly 
unbalanced. 

Webster  defines  "intellect"  as  "That  faculty  of  the 


human  soul  or  mind  which  receives  or  comprehends  the  ideas 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   id 


-  12  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  13  - 


communicated  to  it  by  the  senses,  or  by  perception,  or 
by  other  means,  the  faculty  of  thinking." 

Unfortunately,  a  so-called  intellectual  is  not  always 
wise  or  even  intelligent.  Each  human  being  has  the  faculty 
of  thinking,  but  only  a  few  use  it  and  use  it  intelligently. 

The  deadly  intellectuals  are  persuaders  by  which  they 
advance  themselves  and  their  sick  causes.  They  are  liars  by 
their  own  choice.  Like  Joseph  Goebbels  advanced  the  cause 
of  the  monstrous  Adolf  Hitler;  like  Lenin  and  Trotzki  used 
their  evil  minds  to  establish  the  feudalism,  or  if  you 
will,  the  imperialism  of  Communism;  like  Mao 'ize -Tung  "liber' 
ated"  China  from  the  war  lords  and  the  Fascism  of  Chiang 
Kai-shek  to  establish  a  worse  tyranny  himself  ;  like  Ho* 
chi-Minh  espoused  civil  war  to  free  his  country  from  the 
colonialism  of  the  French  and  then  suppressed  his  people 
as  a  brutal  dictator.  All  of  them  were  mass-murderers. 
Among  them  they  have  with  malice  aforethought  killed 
millions  and  millions  of  innocent  people. 

Joseph  Goebbels  himself  admitted  the  evil  of  his  cause 
when  he  said  in  1943,  "We  will  go  down  in  history  as  the 
greatest  statesmen  of  all  times  or  as  their  greatest 
criminals."  Men  like  him  have  the  faculty  ofr   becoming 
great  statesmen  ,  but  like  any  gangster  they  cannot  act 
like  men  of  good  will.  They  cannot  walk  in  the  light  of 
the  sun.  They  need  the  darkness  of  night  for  their  evil 


deeds.  And  make  no  mistake  about  it,  we  have  some  of  these 
deadly  intellectuals  in  our  own  country. 

Vladimir  llyich  Lenin,  who  claimed  to  have  founded  a 
people's  republic  and  instead  organized  a  tryranny,  admitted, 
"We  can  and  must  write  in  a  language  which  sows  among  the 
masses  hate,  revulsion  ,  scorn  toward  those  of  different 
opinion."  He,  the  man  who  studied  law,  demanded  to  be  heard, 
buiT"  disallowed  the  same  right  to  those  who  opposed  him. 
That  is  what  Communism  and  Fascism  have  in  common.  They 
seek  the  right  of  freedom  of  speech,  but  will  not  listen 
to  anyone  who  has  any  other  ideas.  They  glibly  talk  of 
democracy  and  ruthlessly  destroy  it.  They  poison  the  minds 
of  young  people  and  brainwash  them  until  they  are  unable  to 
think  rationally.  They  believe  that  riots  and  violence  are 
substitutes  for  progress,  and  then  dare  to  call  it  an  ex=» 
pression  of  democratic  dissent.  Communist  and  Fascist  think= 
ing  processes  are  "controlled  and  more  often  uncontrolled 
schizophrenia" . 

The  deadly  intellectuals  -  as  history  has  proved  again 
and  again  -  suffer  from  paranoiac  delusions.  They  are  treacher' 
ous  not  only  to  their  own  country,  but  also  to  humanity  in 

general. 

The  American  variety  of  deadly  intellectuals  -  and  I 
have  known  and  met  a  number  of  them  -  despise  anything 
American  and  rather  would  see  the  Swastika,  the . red  Hammer 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing   carae   of    iti 


-  14  - 


Please,  don  It  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


15  -  16  - 


and  Sickle^or  Vietcong  flag  fly  over  the  White  House  than 
the  Star  and  Stripes.  They  negate  all  things  Amcvtican  and 
yet  partake  of  our  country's  abundance  and  exploit  our 
democratic  pel3nissiveness  under  the  Constitution.  Their 
aim  is  to  abolish  the  American  way  of  life.  They  grow  hot 
and  angry  if  anyone  lauds  the  United  States  and  our  Con^* 
stitution,  under  which  they  believe  they  can  commit  treacher=* 
ous  crimes.  "Anger  is  the  wind  that  blows  out  the  lamp  of  the 
mind,"  said  Robert  Ingersoll.  Yes  -  that  is  what  happens 
to  Americans  who  fall  into  the  trap,  set  by  deadly  intel= 
lectuals  and  their  agents  provocateurs.  The  wind  of  anger 
blows  out  their  minds.  To  them  love  for  these  United  States 
has  become  a  deadly  sin.  (Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  wherever  you  are). 


Who  am  I?  Although  I  think  to  have  established 
that  I'm  neither  a  deadly  intellectual  nor  a  deadly  super- 
patriot,  but  a  moderate  in  my  political  thinking,  abhorring 
the  gyrations  of  the  extreme  left  or  right,  I  guess  I  still 
have  not  really  answered  this  ominous  question.  How  can  I? 
Perhaps  it  was  foolish  of  me  to  ask  it  in  the  first  place. 

Sometimes  in  the  stillness  of  the  night,  unable  to 
sleep  and  yet  not  fully  awake,  my  mind  is  invaded  by  a 
weird  feeling  that  I  am  just  a  stranger  on  this  planet, 
we  call  Earth.  Perhaps  we  all  are  strangers,  staying  for 
a  while  and  then  go  on  to  -  we  do  not  know  yet  where.  Per- 


haps our  real  home  is  somewhere  else  in  this  great  uni- 
verse. Q^ite  often,  when  this  feeling  invades  my  mind 
and  takes  over  my  emotions,  a  curious  longing  ,  that 
I  would  like  to  return  to  that  mysterious  home  of  mine, 
arises  in  me . 

An  incident  comes  to  my  mind  (and  I  am  sure  others 
have  had  similar  unexplainable  experiences),  an  incident 
which  happened  many  years  ago.  I  had  taken  a  train  to 
Liege  (Belgium),  a  city  and  country  where  I  had  never 
been  before.  I  was  supposed  to  meet  a  certain  man  at  a 
certain  address,  both  unknown  to  me.  There  was  nothing 
secretive  about  it,  just  an  ordinary  journalistic  as= 
signment.  After  arriving  in  Liege  1  walked  out  of  the 
railway  station  with  the  intention  of  hailing  a  taxi. 
I  did  nothing  of  the  sort.  Neither  did  I  ask  anybody  how  to 
find  the  address.  The  very  moment  I  had  stepped  outside, 
I  just  recognized  the  place  in  a  manner  as  if  I  had  been 
there  before  in  the  long  ago  prior  to  my  birth.  Like  being 
in  a  trance  I  started  walking  toward  my  destination.  I 
began  to  remember  streets  and  houses  and  stores  in  this 
ancient  city,  the  history  of  which  goes  back  at  least  to 
the  fourteenth  century.  I  walked  unerringly  ahead,  turned 
corners,  knowing  in  advance  what  to  expect  in  the  next 
street.  Somehow  1  had  redeemed  from  oblivion  the  names 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  17  - 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  18  - 


of  stores  and  shops,  some  of  which  had  been  owned  by  the 
same  families  for  hundrecUof  years.  I  even  could  tell  the 


names  of  streets  before  I  saw  the  signs.  In  less  th 


an 


fifteen  minutes  I  reached  the  house  of  the  man  I  was 

supposed  to  see.  There  and  then  I  suddenly  stopped  before 

knocking  at  the  door.  It  was  a  frightening  feeling  to  real- 

ize  that  I  had  done  something  for  which  I  could  not  give 

a  rational  account.  What  had  happened  to  me?  How  had  it 

been  possible  that  suddenly  I  had  recaptured  ^A^me  forgotten 

part  of  a  nescient  past  and  pulled/out  of  the  retentiveness 

of/ 
of  memories  i^r  ^^r  il/tFTis  otherwise  totally  strange  town? 

Could  it  be  that  I  might  have  lived  in  Liege  in  a  former 

existence?  Who  had  I  been  then?  I  never  found  an  answer 

other  but  that  it  confirmed  my  inner  conviction  that  life 

is  eternal. 

Never  before  and  never  after  have  I  been  so  close  to 
the  mystery  of  life  and  death,  the  mystery  of  creation  in 
the  spiritual  sense. 

Who  in  effect  knows  who  he  is?  Most  of  us  suffer  from 
delusions  in  regard  to  our  own  ego.  The  worst  of  our  de= 
lusions  are  those  of  grandeur,  of  our  own  importance  in 
the  great  scheme  of  God,  delusions  that  we  actually  are 
what  we  believe  to  be.  Only  very  few  of  us  like  to  admit 
that  life  on  this  planet  will  continue  without  us  as  it 


has  existed  before  we  were  born.  Few  of  us  comprehend 
consciously  that  wo  do  not  leave  a  vacuum  which  cannot 
be  filled  after  we  have  departed.  We  are  soon  forgotten 
unless  we  have  committed  exceptional  deeds  of  good  or  evil 
which  are  written  into  the  annals  of  history.  Even  of  these 
only  a  small  number  remain  stenciled  forever  in  the  books 
of  general  knowledge.  We,  the  mass,  just  seem  to  disappear - 
but  we  don't  really.  Our  existence  leaves  an  imprint,  even 
if  it  is  smaller  than  a  micro  dot.  Life  apparently  goes  on 
without  us,  but  it  doesn't  really.  We  are  still  there  in 
some  form  or  other.  Our  ideas  remain  alive.  Our  acquired 
knowledge,  as  scanty  and  limited  as  it  may  have  been,  does 
not  die  with  our  bodies.  Physically  we  are  destined  to  dis- 
appear, but  where  do  we  go?  After  all,  each  of  us  fulfills 
a  certain  function  in  life,  good,  bad  or  seemingly  incon- 
sequential. And  so  does  an  insect,  a  plant,  anything  that 
was  alive,  if  even  for  a  few  hours  only.  Each  living  being 
is  pre-destined  to  guarantee  the  continuance  of  our  species 
for  some  length  of  time,  some  thousands  of  years,  others 
millions  or  even  billions  and  more.  Our  having  been  alive 
must  have  had  a.  definite  purpose,  or  we  would  not  have 
existed  at  all.  Not  we,  not  the  insect,  not  the  plant. 

Lewis  E.  Lawes  in  his  book  "Cell  202  Sing  Sing';  wrote: 
"When  we  die  and  are  buried  and  then  come  to  life  again  on 
the  earth  in  the  trees  and  grass  and  flowers,  can  you  tell 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-  19  - 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  20  - 


which  grass  and  trees  and  flowers  are  Christians,  or 
Jewish,  or  Chinese,  or  Mohammedan?  Nature  doesn't  put 
any  marks  on  them  :  God  doesn't  cither.  Your  face,  your 
body,  your  language  may  be  different.  But  the  soul, it 
has  no  label." 

This,  I  believe,  is  all  the  truth  of  which  we  can  be 
assured.  The  soul  has  no  label.  Still,  I  often  wished  I 
knew  who  I  am  or  rather  what  I  appear  to  be  in  the  minds 
and  eyes  of  my  contemporaries  -  if  I  leave  God  out  of  this 
question  and  answer  game. 

I  could  ask  Annie  who  she  thinks  I  am.  Her  answer, 
if  she  would  give  me  one,  would  be  anything  but  objective, 
/he  is  definitely  prejudiced  in  my  favor.  So  was  my  mother 
I  was  the  apple  of  her  eyes  until  the  day  she  died.  She 
neither  could  have  told  me  who  I  am  although  I  have  groisTi 
into  a  being  in  her  womb.  I  could  ask  a  good  friend.  He 
might  not  want  to  hurt  my  feelings  and  be  evasive.  I  could 
ask  an  enemy.  Perhaps  he  would  answer  my  question,  but  I 
don't  think  I  would  like  to  hear  it.  Perhaps  no  one  can 
answer  my  question.  So  we  better  leave  it  be.  It  doesn't 
actually  matter  very  much  who  1  really  am  ,  unless  by  pos- 
ing this  question  I  might  have  succeeded  in  catching  your 
interest  to  read  this  book  and  then  it's  up  to  you  to  come 
to  your  own  conclusion. 


be  a  re- incarnation  of  Ahasuerus,  the  legendary,  wandering 
jQwand  that  is  what  this  book  is  all  about. 

Timothy,  my  guardian  angel,  asserts  that  I  am  his 
punishment  for  sins  he  committed  during  his  life  on  this 
earth.  I  am  his  purgatory,  his  own,  personal  hell.  Maybe 
I  am  all  this  to  him,  poor  fellow,  and  if  you  don't  mind 
I  would  like  to  introduce  this  character  to  you  before  I 
will  tell  about  our  years  of  wandering  over  many  parts 
of  this  globe  as  persons  without  a  country.  Timothy,  after 


all,  cannot  be  denied  his  role  in  this  book.  Without  hi 


im 


I  might  not  even  be  alive  anymore  to  overwork  my  type- 
writer. This,  at  least,  will  prove  to  you  -  that  I  ami 


For  seve^-al  years  I  had  a  weird  feeling  that  I  might 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  21  - 


CHAPTER  TWO 


MEET  TIMOTHY.  MY  CUARnTAN  Ahirpi 


Somewhere  I  have  read  that 
266,613,336  angels  remained  loyal  to  God  when  Satan 
lost  the  battle  and  was  banned  to  hell.  I  haven't  got 
the  faintest  idea  who  ever  counted  these  angels,  but  it 
must  have  been  quite  a  task.  In  the  meantime  we  can  safely 
assume  that  the  angel  population  in  heaven  has  as  much 
increased  as  the  human  one  on  earth.  If  there  is  a  popu- 
lation explosion  down  here,  it  figures  that  there  is 
bound  to  be  one  in  heaven,  too,  unless  Satan  has  been 
getting  most  of  the  human  souls  which,  considering  our 
mass  behaviour  over  the  centuries,  is  quite  possible. 

Timothy  is  not  exactly  an  advertisement  as  far  as 
angels  go.  He  is  not  very  well  educated.  At  times  he  can 
be  very  close-mouthed,  especially  about  celestial  matters. 
At  other  times  he  gets  too  gabby  about  anything  concerning 
me  or  our  relationship  to  each  other.  I  don't  know  if  each 
human  being  on  earth  is  being  protected  by  a  guardian  angel. 
Timothy  won't  tell  me  although  it  seems  that  Communists  and 
Fascists  are  excepted.  They  go  to  hell  anyway.  He  never  re- 
vealed to  me  why  guardian  angels  are  assigned  to  some  human 
beings  and  not  to  others  or  to  all,  as  it  should  be. 

Please,  let  me  insert  here  that  I  have  discovered  that 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  22  - 


f 


most  people  lack  the  imaginative  inspiration  to  believe 
in  the  existence  of  guardian  angels.  So  much  more  pity 
for  them.  It  doesn't  matter  to  me  one  whit  whether  or 
not  you  believe  in  guardian  angels.  The  fact  is  that  I 
am  blessed  or  burdened  with  one. 

Knowing  him  now  for  so  many  years,  I  can  honestly 
say  that  the  name  Timothy  doesn't  fit  him  at  all,  although 
he  maintains  that  it  was  his  given  name  on  earth  and  that 
it  has  not  been  changed  when  he  barely  managed  to  squeeze  f 
into  heaven  instead  of  going  to  hell.  It  had  been  just  a 
fluke  of  good  luck. 

Quoting  from  "The  New  English  Bible"  (published  by 
the  Oxford  and  Cambridge  Universities  Presses)  the  first 
letter  of  Paul  to  Timothy  started  with  these  words: 

"From  Paul,  apostle  of  Christ  Jesus  by  command  of 
God  our  Saviour  and  Christ  Jesus  our  hope,  to  Timothy 
his  true-born  son  in  the  faith." 

Well  -  my  guardian  angel  Timothy  could  not  have  been 
a  true-born  son  in  the  faith.  From  what  I  have  gathered,  he 
had  been  anything  but  a  saint  during  his  lifetime  on  earth. 
In  fact,  he  had  been  so  much  amiss  in  his  religious  faith 
and  duties  as  well  as  his  human  behaviour  that  he  had  not 
expected  to  over  be  admitted  to  heaven.  But  admitted  he 
was,  and  after  many  years  of  induction,  instructions  and 


menial  services,  in  none  of  which  he  excelled,  he  was 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  23  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  24  - 


finally  assigned  to  me  as  a  form  of  penance  for  failing 
to  conform  with  the  general  rules  and  regulations  in 
heaven.  He  doesn't  make  a  secret  of  his  feelings.  He 
dislikes  his  job  and  consequently  did  let  me  suffer  a 
great  deal,  but  quite  obviously  has  stuck  to  his  orders 
to  keep  me  alive  until  my  foreordained  time  on  earth 
will  have  been  spent. 


Before  I'm  going  to  tell  you  how  I  got 
to  know  about  Timothy,  I  cannot  help  but  digress  for  a 
while.  You'll  have  to  get  used  to  my  way  of  reporting. 
I  like  to  get  off  the  tangent  every  once  so  often. 

We  ordinary  human  beings  do  not  really  know  what 
life  is  all  about.  It  is  truly  astonishing  that  we  manage 
to  live  it  for  better  or  worse,  although  I  have  a  sneak= 
ing  suspicion  that  the  majority  Cf   us  live  our  life  for 
worse.  We  are  too  much  engrossed  with  our  material  well- 
being  and  thus  neglect  our  spiritual  and  mental  welfare 


which  alone  can  lead  us  to  salvation.  More  and  more 


we 


recognize  the  bad  shape  this  world  of  ours  is  getting 
into,  but  then  -  of  course  -  whenever  has  it  been  in  good 
shape?  Human  beings  have  never  learned  from  history  and 
consequently  still  don't  know  how  to  live  in  peace  with 
one  another.  The  bible  tried  to  teach  us  to  love  our 
neighbors,  but  then  also  it  tells  a  lot  about  wars,  sins, 


€ 


obscenities,  violence  and  bloodshed.  More  and  more  often 
it  occurs  to  mc  that  Satan  -  at  least  temporarily  -  has 
become  more  powerful  than  God.  We  cannot  deny  that  lately 
he  succeeded  in  brainwashing  more  people  than  ever  before. 
How  otherwise  could  have  godless  Communism  triumphed  or 
even  come  into  existence  and  grown  so  mightily?  How  other** 
wise  could  it  be  possible  that  so  many  people  in  the  world 
have  become  blind,  dumb  and  deaf  that  they  won't  see  the 
evil  which  Communism  represents? 

It  so  happens  that  I  strongly  believe  in  the  goodness 
of  God  despite  all  the  signs  to  the  contrary.  I  trust  that 
His  omni-potence  and  omni-science  will  prevail.  Somewhere 
in  the  bible  it  says  that  "Wisdom  is  better  than  weapons 
of  war".  I  wonder  why  God  has  given  us  so  little  wisdom? 

And  that  brings  us  to  the  second  letter  of  Paul  to 
Timothy  as  quoted  from  "The  New  English  Bible":  "You  must 
face  the  facts,"  so  wrote  Paul,  "the  final  age  of  this 
world  is  to  be  a  time  of  troubles.  Men  will  love  nothing 
but  money  and  self;  they  will  be  arrogant,  boastful  and 
abusive;  with  no  respect  for  parents,  no  gratitude,  no 
piety,  no  natural  affection;  they  will  be  implacable  in 
their  hatreds,  scandal-mongers,  intemperate  and  fierce, 
strangers  to  all  goodness,  traitors,  adventurers,  swollen 
with  self-importance." 

It  sounds  frightening,  doesn't  It?  Could  it  be  that 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-    25   - 


Please,    (Jon't  worryl    Nothinr,  came   of    iti 


-  26  - 


we  are  living  now  in  the  final  age  of  this  world?  Paul 
very  well  described  us  as  we  are  and  behave  in  these 
times.  But  then  he  ends  his  letter  with  a  prediction 
which  might  instill  us  with  some  hope  for  the  future. 
"But  their  success  will  be  short-lived,  for,  like  those 
opponents  of  Moses,  they  will  become  recognized  by  every- 
one  for  the  fools  they  are." 

Well,  my  contemporary  citizens  of  the  world,  when 
will  we  take  a  spiritual  stand  to  save  mankind  from  self- 
destruction?  I  have  grave  doubts  that  we  ever  will.  If  by 
now  we  have  not  learned  a  single  lesson  human  history  should 
have  taught  us,  do  you  think  that  we  ever  will? 

Do  you  truly  believe  that  we  ever  will  stop  dissent= 
ing  without  violence,  mayhem  and  bloodshed?  Will  we  ever 
stop  gambling  and  whoring?  Will  we  ever  bury  our  hatreds 
and  prejudices?  Or  will  we  continue  to  make  wars  and  kill? 
Will  we  forever  remain  strangers  to  the  ideal  of  universal 
brotherhood?  Will  we  forever  stay  convinced  of  our  self- 
importance,  forgetting  that  life  on  this  earth  is  only  a 
fleeting  moment?  Where  in  your  opinion  will  it  all  end? 
I  cannot  but  conclude  that  we  are  caught  in  a  cul-de-sac 
and  unless  we  manage  to  retreat  together  we  will  like 
goats  butt  our  heads  to  pulp  against  the  wall  which  we 
are  facing  at  the  end  of  the  blind  alley.  Wlien  dialogue 
stops,  mankind  is  on  the  road  to  vanish  from  this  earth. 


We  can  only  \yUOf   that  Paul  was  ri^^lit  and  eventually  wo  will 
rccoj;nize  what  fools  we  have  been  and  are. 

If  I  have  been  sermonizing,  I  apolo^;ize.  I'm  not, 
thank  the  Lord,  an  Evangelist,  but  my  Timothy  did  compel 
me  to  insert  these  ideas.  He  asserts  that  tliere  are  pre  = 
sently  ruraors  in  heaven  that  once  more  Satan  has  declared 
open  warfare  on  God,  and  if  Satan  should  win  -  well,  my 
friends  and  foes,  you  can  well  imagine  the  results. 

This  increasing  influence  Satan  exerts  is  a  constant 
worry  to  Timothy.  He  doesn't  like  hell  despite  the  miser= 
able  assignment  he  had  drav/n  to  protect  me. 


I  don't  care  whether  you  believe  it  or  not,  but 
the  story  hov;  I  first  consciously  met  Timothy  is  the  honest 
truth.  I  know  the  way  you  all  think.  A  writer  is  an  indi= 
vidual  who  by  nature  and  profession  tells  tall  stories.  In  flU 
way  this  may  be  right.  A  writer  liwom   and  works  by  imagin= 
ation  to  a  certain  degree.  He  may  let  this  imagination  run 
wild  once  in  a  while  or  control  it  if  he  wants  to.  Neither 
a  lie  nor  the  truth  can  be  told  well  without  imagination. 
To  be  sure,  imagination  by  itself  is  not  alv;ays  a  contra=» 
diction  to  truth.  Many  of  you  certainly  may  think  what  the 
hell  makes  a  writer  tick.  It's  hard  to  explain. 

Robert  Ruark  states  in  his  book  "The  Honey  Badger": 
"A  writer  is  a  delicate,  mysterious  organism.  |/obody  ever 


Please,   don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of   it! 


-  27  - 


knows  quite  what  makes  a  writer.  Pain  and  poverty  may  forge 
one,  and  might  easily  ruin  another.  Some  write  best  in  se- 
clusion; others  can't  write  a  line  away  from  the  clatter 
of  Times  Square.  Riches  spoil  some  and  improve  others. 
Some  need  deadlines  -  some  need  limitless  time.  Some  need 
Spain  or  a  South  Sea  Island,  others  are  miserable  outside 
a  grimy  hotel  or  a  cold  water  flat." 

I  need  my  own  study,  quiet  with  no  outside  noise  like 
gabbing  women  neighbors  .  or  loud  TV.  or  telephone  calls. 
I  cannot  write  outside  my  study  and  without  Annie  close  by. 
When  she  was  in  the  hospital.  I  was  unable  to  write  a  line. 
Most  of  us  are  compulsive  writers.  We  would  despair  of  life 
if  we  were  prevented  from  writing  the  way  we  wish  to  write 
or  about  what  we  want  to  write  -  as  those  poor  writers  are 
in  CommuntTor  Fascist  countries.  When  I  work  on  a  book, 
or  a  play,  or  a  story.  I  want  to  be  left  alone  except  for 
the  presence  of  Annie.  However,  like  I  myself  few  writers 
ever  strike  it  rich.  1  abhor  the  pornographic,  mentally 
aberrant,  dope-flavored  so-called  literature  which  is 
presently  so  much  in  vogue.  I  simply  do  not  understand  how 
books  like  "Peyton  Place"  or  "Valley  of  the  Dolls". to  name 
only  two  -  can  possibly  have  become  best-sellers.  I  have 
tried  to  read  then,  -  as  well  as  a  few  others  of  the  kind  - 
and  was  so  bored  that  I  did  not  get  beyond  a  hundred  pages 
until  I  threw  them  into  the  waste  basket  where  in  my  not  so 


Please,  do  not  vffflK^v !  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  28  - 


♦ 


humble  opinion  they  belong.  If  I  am  old-fashioned,  so  bo 


it. 


I  do  not  write  for  fame  or  riches.  I  like  to  dre 


am 


and  by  expressing  my  dreams  In  written  words  I  free  my= 
self  from  the  bondage  of  dally  drudgery,  experleniBjby 


# 


those  who  have  to  work  In  jobs  where  all  their  lives 


they  do  the  same  chores,  or  essentially  the  same.  Through 
writing  I  find  the  buried  treasures  each  and  everyone  of 
us  are  consciously  or  subconsciously  seeking.  If  I  would 
write  with  the  sole  aim  of  making  money  and  gaining  fame 
(God  forbid),  I  would  not  be  happy.  The  meaning  of  success  - 
or  what  is  generally  understood  by  success  -  is  a  very 
dubious  and  disputable  one.  I  feel  successful  -  not  only 
because  I  have  arranged  my  life  without  the  many  (mostly 
trivial)  mental  upheavals  peopl(«)ring  unnecessarily  upon 
themselves  -  but  also  because  I  enjoy  writing  as  I  please 
and  about  what  I  please,  and  if  I  can  contribute  a  little 
to  the  spiritual  welfare  and  entertainment  of  a  few  readers, 
so  much  the  better.  Besides  I  agree  with  the  philosopher 
Italo  Svedo  who  said,  "To  write  may  be  necessary,  but  to 
publish  is  not." 

Writing  makes  me  free,  makes  me  fight  my  own  lonely 
battlet  against  a  life  of  reality  which  is  a  burden.  I  can 
choose  my  own  time  and  hours  when  I  want  to  sit  down  and 
work,  but  then  in  order  to  work  I  do  have  to  do  a  lot  of 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing   came    of   It! 


-  29  - 


thinking  and  dreaming  and  that  quite  often  makes  me 

asocial.  I  only  can  think  as  a  fre^^an,  beholden  to  none, 

not  being  at  the  mercy  of  a  boss,  an  editor  or  an  agent. 

I  pity  those  writers  who  sell  themselves  into  slavery  by 

accepting  jobs  at  one  of  the  film-making  or  television 

programming  industrial  plants.  To  me  writing  is  not  only 

a  compulsion,  but  more  so  a  pleasant  mystery  like  the 

waters  of  a  river  which  flow  and  never  stop  flowing, 

like  the  mystery  of  time  without  end.  A  writer  can  -  as 

Stuart  Cloete  wrote  -  "disappear  into  his  private  euphoria.' 

However,  any  writer,  worth  his  salt,  has  to  pay  the 

penalty  of  being  in  some  ways  set  apart  from  his  or  her 

fellow  men.  The  profession  of  a  writer  is  a  lonely  one, 

and  if  we  want  to  create  we  better  like  our  isolation.  On 

the  other  hand  we  ^in  a  certain  serene,  inner  happiness 
one/  '^^ 

which  no/ille  can  achieve.  We  are  aware  of  what  is  called 
in  Latin,  "Habent  sua  libelli"  which  means  that  "Writings 
have  their  destinies". 

That,  indeed,  brings  me  back  to  the  true  story  of  how 
I  actually  found  out  about  Timothy,  my  guardian  angel.  It 
happened  on  a  warm  Jul^  night  in  the  year  of  1918.  I  was 
sitting  on  top  of  an  artillery  bunker  at  a  hillside  away 
from  the  enemy  side.  How  I  got  there  does  not  matter.  I 
knew  that  in  another  ten  or  fifteen  minutes  I  would  be 
part  of  a  storm  attack  through  a  mined  field.  I  wasn't 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  30  - 


actually  scared  (teenagers  don't  scare  easily),  but  I 
wasn't  overjoyed  either.  Even  as  a  young  man  one  can  make 
peace  with  death.  I  had  done  so  -  at  least  so  I  believed. 
I  was  sitting  on  the  underground  bunker  all  by  myself, 
meditating  whether  or  not  I  would  survive  the  next  few 
hours.  The  odds  were  against  it. 

"Come  on,"  some  one  said  to  me  in  a  kind  of  whisper. 
"You  can't  sit  here  any  longer." 

I  awoke  from  my  reveries  and  looked  up  and  around. 
It  was  quite  dark  and  I  couldn't  see  a  damned  soul  close 
to  me.  I  thought  that  I  had  been  dreaming. 

Again  I  heard  the  same  whispering  voice,  urging  me  to 
abandon  my  seat  on  top  of  the  bunker. 

"Go  to  hell,"  I  said.  I  certainly  wasn't  in  the  mood 
to  be  spooked  because  I  was  quite  comfortable  where  I  was. 

"Jesus  Christ,"  the  voice  swore,  "that's  the  one  place 
I  don't  care  to  go  to.  Do  me  a  favor  and  don't  act  like  a 
stupid  fool.  Or  do  I  have  to  drag  you  away?" 

"You  don't  have  to  do  anything,"  I  said.  "Who  are  you 
anyhow?" 

For  a  short  moment  there  was  silence,  and  I  felt  sure 
that  my  imagination  had  played  a  trick  on  me.  This  was  surely 
a  weird  night,  and  I  wasn't  in  a  normal  frame  of  mind  under 


# 


the  circumstances. 

"I'm  your  guardian  angel,"  I  heard  the  voice  again. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  31  - 


and  It  was  not  one  that  recommended  trust.  It  had  a  kind 
of  rasping  or  perhaps  grating  sound  as  if  it  emanated  from 
an  old,  churlish  person,  "fretfully,  I  have  been  assigned 
to  you.  I  want  you  to  know,  you  were  not  my  personal  choice." 

That  was  the  last  straw.  I  shook  my  head  to  clear  my 
my  mind.  "Guardian  angel,  my  foot!"  I  told  him.  "This  isn't 
the  time  for  practical  jokes.  Now  you  do  me  a  favor  and 


vamoose. 


It 


"I  can't  do  that,  please,"  the  voice  beseeched  me.  "If 
it  were  up  to  me,  I  would  go  away.  I  don't  like  these  silly 
wars,  but  it  so  happens  you're  my  punishment  and  I've  orders 
to  stick  to  you,  nevermind  where  and  how.  A  celestial  order 
can't  be  disobeyed." 

It  really  was  weird  and  spooky.  Any  minute  now  we  would 


be  called  to  march  the  few  miles  to  the  front  lines.  I 


was 


determined  to  ignore  that  darned  voice,  but  somehow  I  could 
not.  I  had  been  caught  like  a  fish  in  a  net. 

"Do  you  have  a  name?"  I  asked 

"Timothy." 

"I  don't  believe  it,"  I  taunted  him. 

"Who  cares  if  you  believe  it  or  not.  You've  got  to  get 
up  and  run  on  the  double  to  that  big  boulder  over  there  and 
drop  behind  it,  flat  on  your  stomach.  You  better  listen,  or 
I'll  have  to  transport  you  there  in  my  own  way." 

"I  don't  have  to  do  anything,  and  I  don't  like  to  lie 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  32  - 


flat  on  my  stomach,"  I  objected,  although  running  on  the 
double  and  crawling  on  my  stomach  was  part  of  my  training 
which  hopefully  would  be  of  some  help  in  the  forthcoming 


attack. 


h 


The  voice  sighed  in  despair.  "Man,  you're  a  stubborn 
ass,"  it  told  me.  "Go  already  before  I  punch  your  nose." 

I  tried  to  detect  the  boulder,  but  I  couldn't  see  it. 
"Where's  that  damned  boulder?" 

"About  twenty  meter  to  your  left,  man,"  the  voice 

you/ 
informed  me.  "Please,  get  a  move  on^efore  it  is  too  late. 


If 


It 


II 


Too  late  for  what?" 


For  you,  of  course." 


"Go  to  the  devil,"  I  advised  him. 

"I  can't  do  that.  Don't  you  understand?  I  work  for 
the  competition." 

"I  must  be  getting  nuts,"  I  said  aloud. 

I  never  kn^  what  came  over  me,  but  suddenly  I  jumped 
down  from  the  top  of  the  bunker  and  ran  on  the  double  in 
the  direction  of  the  boulder.  When  I  got  to  it  I  ducked 
behind  it  flat  on  my  stomach. 

At  that  very  moment  one  of  the  occasional  enemy  ar« 
tillery  shells  came  whizzing  along  and  hit  with  pin-point 
precision  the  top  of  the  bunker  (no  one  was  inside)where 
I  had  been  sitting.  Boy,  I  was  shaking  all  over.  God  Al- 
mighty, if  I  had  not  listened  to  that  voice,  I  would  have 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  33  - 


been  totally  disintegrated.  That  shell,  whether  by  unholy 
design  or  not,  must  have  had  ray  name  on  It.  After  a  while, 


when  the  dust  had 


settled,  I  sat  up,  looked  about,  * 


hoping  to  see  the  man  to  whom  that  voice  belonged.  The 
whole  thing  boggled  my  Imagination. 

"Are  you  still  around,  Timothy?"  I  ventured  to  ask, 
not  yet  sure  If  I  was  just  crazy  or  not.  My  feeling  was 
that  I  definitely  must  be.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  I'm  crazy 
right  now,  or  I  wouldn't  tell  you  all  this.  I  know,  you 
won't  believe  me,  nevermind  what  I'm  going  to  tell  you 
about  Timothy  In  the  course  of  this  biographical  chit-chat. 
Yet,  I  swear,  It's  the  truth,  the  whole  truth  and  -  well, 
the  truth  as  I  know  It. 

"Sure,  I'm  still  around,"  Timothy  replied.  "I'll  be 
always  around,  God  help  me." 

"That  was  a  close  one,"  I  said,  still  unable  to  accept 
his  assertion  that  he  was  my  guardian  angel.  "Thank  you 
for  saving  my  life." 

"No  need  to  thank  me,"  he  rebuffed  me  somewhat  grouchlly 
"I  haven't  got  a  choice  In  the  matter.  If  I  had,  I'd  rather 
see  you  dead,  pardon  me.  I  happen  to  be  a  lazy  guardian 
angel  and  generally  you  give  me  the  creeps,  getting  your- 
self Into  one  scrap  after  another." 

This  got  my  Ire  up.  It  wasn*t  my  fault  that  I  had  been 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-    34   . 


drafted    Into   the   army.    "How  the  hell 


M 


He  didn't  let  me  finish.  "Please,  never  mention  that 
place  again.  I'm  allergic  to  It,"  he  begged  me. 

"All  right.  But  how  did  you  know  that  this  particu- 
lar shell  would  land  right  there  where  I  was  sitting?-" 

There  was  another  moment  of  silence.  "That's  my 
professional  secret,  but  I  better  know  these  things.  I 
can't  afford  to  lose  you  yet." 

Another  shell  was  whizzing  over  our  heads  and  landed 
somewhere  farther  on.  Involuntarily  1  had  ducked. 

"No  need  to  duck,"  Timothy  said.  "I'll  let  you  know 
whenever  It's  aimed  at  you." 

"You  really  would  do  It  again,  wouldn't  you?" 
"That's  what  I'm  here  for,  although  I  wished  this  war 
would  be  over  already.  It's  too  much  trouble  for  me  to  pro- 
tect you." 

The  CO.  blew  the  whistle  for  us  to  assemble  and 
march  to  the  front  line  for  that  storm  attack. 

"Don't  worry,"  I  heard  Timothy  at  my  side,  "I'll  have 
to  stick  to  you,  but  for  God's  sake  listen  to  me  and  do  as 
I'll  tell  you  without  a  split  second's  hesitation.  Is  that 

clear?" 

I  nodded,  but  It  was  funny.  Really  funny  In  a  macabre 

sense . 

In  that  godforsaken  noise  of  exploding  mines,  shooting, 

shelling  and  yelling  I  couldn't  hear  a  dam  thing,  certainly 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  35  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  If. 


-  36  - 


not  a  word  from  Timothy.  But  I  felt  him  pulling  me  down  or 
up,  pushing  me  forward  or  holding  me  back.  All  around  me 
men  were  blown  to  bits  and  pieces.  It  was  a  bloody  mess 
and  whoever  had  ordered  this  attack  must  have  known  that 
it  was  plain  murder.  Later  we  heard  a  rumor  that  our  storm 
battallion  had  to  be  sacrificed  across  this  mined  field  so 
that  the  regular  infantry  could  get  through  for  the  actual 
attack.  They  gained  their  objective,  only  to  be  thrown  back 
a  week  later.  Thus  was  the  game  of  chess  in  war.  We  of  the 
storm  battallion  had  been  the  expendable  pawns.  Of  the 
twelve  hundred  men  in  our  battallion  ,  who  went  in  there 
first  that  Julj^  morning  in  France,  only  six  came  through 
alive  or  without  a  scratch.  I  was  one  of  these  six. 

On  many  other  occasions  in  my  lifetime  I  was  in 
dire  danger.  There  is  no  doubt  in  my  mind  that  I  Sever 


would 


have  made  it  so  far  without  Timothy.  Once  he 


even  saved  ray  pareots ' s  lives  and  please  don't  shake  your 
fool  heads.  It's  the  honest  truth. 


It  happened  a  number  of  years  later  and  I 
had  gotten  accustomed  to  have  Timothy  with  me.  As  they  did 
each  summer  my  parents  had  booked  a  state-room  on  a  night 
train  which  would  take  them  to  a  health  resort  for  a  va= 
cation.  Only  this  time  Timothy  interfered.  I  was  not  yet 
married  and  on  the  afternoon  prior  to  the  departure  of  my 


parents  I  was  reading  in  my  room. 

"Get  up,"  Timothy  told  me,  "and  advise  your  parents 

to  take  another  train." 

Sometimes  he  had  a  way  of  ordering  me  around  which 
really  irked  me.  I  sighed.  "You  aren't  their  guardian 
angel,"  1  rebuked  him. 

"No,  I'm  yours,  so  God  help  me.  As  it  is  I've  got 
enough  trouble  with  you,  but  it  scares  me  to  think  what 
you  might  do  if  you  suddenly  find  yourself  an  orphan. 
You're  kind  of  crazy,  you  know.  Unpredictable,  too." 

I  closed  my  book  and  got  up.  I  had  learned  never 
to  ignore  Timothy's  counsel  because  he  had  not  once 
intentionally  fooled  me  or  had  played  a  practical  joke 
on  me.  He  was  not  the  brightest  guardian  angel,  I  guessed, 
but  he  took  his  duties  toward  me  quite  seriously  although 
he  didn't  enjoy  them.  Besides,  he  had  little  sense  of 

humor. 

"All  right,  chum,"  I  acquiesced,  "tell  me  why  my 

parents  shouldn't  take  that  train  tonight?" 

"Do  me  a  favor,  don't  ask  questions  and  don't  call  me 
your  chum.  I'm  your  guardian  angel,  but  not  necessarily 
your  pal.  Vou  just  go  to  your  father  and  tell  him  to  change 
his  reservation  for  the  train  tomorrow  morning." 

"Just  like  that?" 
Ho,  not  Just  like  that.  You've  got  enough  imagination 


M 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  37  - 


to  find  some  sort  of  reason  for  it." 

"All  right.  I'll  try." 

"Don't  try.  Convince  him  for  their  own  good." 

"Okay,  1*11  tell  him  that  yoJTaid  so." 

Timothy  sighed  in  despair.  "Idiot,  he'll  laugh  at  you 
if  you  tell  him  about  me.  He's  one  of  those  people  who 
won't  believe  in  the  existence  of  guardian  angels.  That's 
why  none  was  assigned  to  him.  You  stop  him  from  taking  that 
night  train,  even  if  you  have  to  lock  both  your  parents  into 


their  bedroom.  Is  that  clear? 


II 


It  wasn't.  Sometimes  he  got  my  goat.  "I  can't  lock 


my 


parents  in  their  bedroom  and  you  know  it.  Before  I  even  go 
and  talk  to  my  father  I  want  to  know  if  guardian  angels 
are  infallible." 

That  question  truly  seemed  to  upset  him.  He  groaned. 
"Ji/ow,  please,  don't  bring  that  nonsense  up." 

"Why  not?  Ever  since  1870  the  Catholics  claim  that 
their  Pope  is  infallible  when  he  talks  about  faith  and 
morals." 

"Let  them  believe  what  they  want.  It's  their  business. 
Infallible,  my  foot  I  Even  God  -  so  I  heard  -  ha4  made  His 
mistakes . " 


"Come  now.  As  an  angel  don't  you  believe  in  the 
potence  and  omniscience  of  God?" 


omni' 


"Of  course,  I  dol  Heaven  help  me  if  I  didn't.  I' 


m 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  38  - 


t 


I 


still  on  probation.  But,  honestly,  you've  only  to  con- 
sider His  creation  of  man.  Don't  you  think  He  could 
have  done  much  better?" 

"Maybe  He  had  His  reasons  not  to  do  better." 

"You've  got  a  point  there,"  Timothy  conceded. 

It  surprised  me  because  he  was  the  kind  of  character 
who  would  concedet  nothing.  "If  you  ever  have  read  Spinoza," 
I  continued  our  discussion,  having  all  but  forgotten  about 
his  warning  in  regard  to  my  parents,  "you'd  remember  that 
he  wrote   about  what's  being  bad  ai|d  good  are  prejudices 
which  the  eternal  reality  cannot  recognize.'* 

"Come  now,  don't  start  throwing  quotations  at  me. 
I  never  heard  about  this  Spinoza,"  Timothy  objected  angrily. 
"I  told  you,  I'm  not  an  educated  angel.  All  I  know  for  sure 
is  that  God  is  the  eternal  reality  .  ** 

"If  you  aren't  infallible,  why  should  I  make  my  parents 


in?" 


postpone  their  trip? 

"Did  I  ever  fail  you?  Please,  do  as  I  told  you  and 
stop  arguing.  You  give  me  a  headache." 

It  was  true,  he  had  never  failed  me  in  all  the  years 
since  he  had  revealed  himself  to  me.  Well,  I  went  to  my 
father  and  bluntly  asked  him  if  he  had  made  his  last  will 
He  thought  that  I  was  interested  in  how  much  he   would 
leave  me,  for  at  that  time  I  was  a  big  spender.  I  set 
him  straight  that  for  once  I  didn't  care  for  his  money, 


Please,    don't  worry.'    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-  39  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  40  - 


but  that  1  had  an  uncanny  feeling  in  regard  to  that  night 
train.  I  always  followed  my  intuitions.  I  told  him.  and 
1  felt  it  in  my  bones  that  something  was  going  to  happen 
to  that  train.  He  was  a  stubborn  man  who  didn't  believe 
in  intuitions.  However.  1  didn't  stop  pleading  and  reminded 
him  that  my  extra-sensory  perception  had  been  proven  right 
before.  That's  how  I  had  explained  Timothy  to  him  on  pre= 
vious  occasions  whenever  he  didn't  understand  why  I  suddenly 
changed  plans.  He  accepted  E.S.P.  to  a  certain  extent.  If 
I  had  told  him  about  Timothy,  I  never  would  have  persuaded 
him.  He  wasn't  an  atheist,  but  religion  was  so  much  humbug 
for  him.  God  existed  all  right,  but  when  it  came  to  angels 
he  drew  the  line.  The  presence  of  a  guardian  angel  would 
be  a  joke  as  far  as  he  was  concerned. 

"All  right,"  he  finally  yielded  to  my  entreaties.  "I 
don't  want  to  hear  anymore  about  it.  If  l  wake  up  tomorrow 
in  that  train  and  am  dead,  you're  lij.able  to  accuse  me  that 
you  toK^me  so."  He  went  to  the  telephone  and  changed  his 
reservation  to  the  morning  train. 

1  was  still  asleep  early  the  next  morning  when  my 
father  woke  me  up  and  told  me  that  he  had  just  heard  over 
the  radio  that  that  night  train  had  been  derailed  and  the 
sleeping  car,  in  which  he  had  booked  his  state  room, 
was  allegedly  a  total  wreck.  It  was  the  worst  train  dis» 
aster  In  a  hundred  years  -  which  of  course  was  nonsense. 


There  hadn't  been  any  trains  a  hundred  years  ago.  But 

as  Timothy  is  my  witness  -  all  passngers  in  that  particu" 

lar  car  had  been  killed. 

Standing  at  my  bed,  my  father,  who  was  no  more  than 
five  feet  four  inches  tall,  looked  down  on  me  and  asked 
in  awe,  "What  made  you  think  we  were  in  danger?" 

1  heard  Timothy  whisper,  "Don't  tell  him  about  me, 
or  the  next  time  I  won't  warn  you.  Anybody  but  you  isn't 
actually  my  business,  you  know." 

"Well,  I  guess,  sometimes  I  have  a  sixth  sense,"  I 
tried  to  explain  to  my  father. 

He  nodded  his  head  and  spoiled  everything  by  quot* 
ing  Shakespeare  that  there  are  more  things  in  heaven  and 
earth  than  are  dreamt  of. 

I  could  hear  Timothy  chuckle. 

After  I  got  married  Timothy  also  took  Annie  under 
his  protection.  That  was  darned  nice  of  him  because  he 
did  so  voluntarily  and  despite  the  fact  that  he  always 
complained  I  alone  was  already  too  much  of  a  burden  for 


him. 


However,  I  have  a  sneaking  suspicion  that  he  also 


fell  in  love  with  Annie  in  some  sort  of  strange  celestial 
way.  At  least,  he  assured  me  that  in  his  opinion  she  was 
much  more  deserving  to  be  guarded  than  I.  Nonetheless,  Che 


son 


-of-a-gun  didn't  give  us  any  advance  warning  about  the 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  41  . 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  42  - 


hotel  bed  we  occupied  on  our  wedding  night.  It  collapsed 
under  us,  which  turned  out  to  be  quite  embarrassing  because 
someone  in  the  hotel  must  have  talked  about  it.  The  one 
and  only  newspaper  in  the  small  town,  where  we  were,  re- 
ported the  incident  with  all  the  glee  of  a  mischievous 
editor.  For  days  afterwards  people  smirked  at  us  when  they 
saw  us.  Besides,  we  were  the  object  of  many  funny  innuendos 
and  remarks  -  althbuth  we  didn't  think  they  were  so  funny. 

I  wonder,  if  I  have  convinced  you  that  I  do  have  a 
guardian  angel.  If  you  still  doubt  my  veracity,  I  only  can 
feel  sorry  for  you.  Lacking  in  imagination,  so  I  believe, is 
very  sad  for  anyone.  It's  like  living  without  loving. 

Speaking  of  Annie,  please  let  me  tell  you  who  she  is. 
In  case  you  aren't  interested  you  may  skip  the  next  chapter. 
What  do  I  care  if  you  miss  reading  about  the  one  and  only 
romance  in  my  life? 


CHAPTKR  THRKh: 


WHO  IS  SHK? 


Quite    often  Annie    attracts    or 
rather   has    attracted    the    kind    of   attention  which   had 
nothing    to   do   with    the    indisputable    fact    that    she   was 
a   very   pretty    female   and    still    is    as    far   as    I'm  concerned 
If   you   don't   mind,    let   me    give    you    a   "for   instance". 
We   were    traveling    in    the    slow,    so-called   daily 


mail    train    from  Harbin    to   Hsingking  which  at    the    ti 


me 


was  the  capital  city  of  Manchuria  or  Manchukuo  as  it 

was  then  called.  How  we  had  gotten  into  this  predicament 

does  not  matter  right  now  and  here.  We  will  talk  about 

it  later  in  the  book.  An>^ay ,  as  chance  would  have  it, 

we  two  were  the  only  foreigners  among  the  Chinese  peasants 

and  their  families  in  this  car  of  the  train  and  probably 

in  all  of  the  train.  Few,  if  any,  of  these  good  people  might 

have  seen  or  been  so  close  to  Europeans  before.  Like  children 

they  did  not  hide  their  curiosity,  and  we  very  much  felt 

like  freaks  in  a  cicus  side-show.  Annie  in  particular  was 

the  object  of  their  amusement,  something  in  the  order  as 

if  you  or  I  would  travel  in  the  same  compartment  with  a 

topless  dancer  who  really  traveled  topless. 

Up  to  this  day  I  have  no  doubt  that  these  simple  people 


were  afterwards  telling  some  tall  stories  in  their  h 


ome 


villages    about    Annie,    the   Yang   kwei-tze,    the    funny,    foreign 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of   it! 


-  43  - 


devil,  who  had  performed  a  strip-tease  for  them.  She  might 
even  have  become  a  kind  of  legend  over  the  years. 

It  was  late  October.  The  weather  had  been  getting 
quite  cold.  For  almost  two  weeks  we  had  been  riding  on  one 
train  or  another  through  part  of  Germany,  all  of  Poland, 
Russia  and  Siberia.  Now  we  were  traveling  through  all  of 
Manchukuo.  By  nature,  Annie  was  quite  allergic  to  cold 
weather,  much  more  so  than  I. 

She  began  to  unpeel,  so  to  speak,  after  we  had  found 
two  seats  in  the  confounded  mail  train,  in  which  we  were 
not  supposed  to  be  in  the  first  place.  But  through  no 
fault  of  ours  we  had  missed  by  less  than  a  minute  the 
Asia  Express  in  Harbin  and  so  had  been  compelled  to  take 
the  mail  train  if  we  didn't  want  to  miss  our  boat  in 
Dairen  the  following  morning.  We  did  anyway,  but  that's 
another  story  entirely. 

Thus  unwillingly  Annie  became  the  star  attraction 
for  the  poor  Chinese  peasants  who  had  bundled  themselves 
into  what  was  probably  the  only  items  of  clothing  they 
possessed,  that  is  ragged  quilted  coats  and  baggy  pants, 
held  together  by  a  rope  around  their  midriff.  Instead  of 
regular  shoes  they  wore  thin,  soft  cloth  slippers.  Their 
babies  were  similarly  drcssed«,but  their  pants  had  slits 
where  their  little  behinds  were,  an  innovation  which  made 
it  easier  for  the  mothers  to  let  nature  have  its  way.  No 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  44  - 


t 


diapers  or  little  panties,  which  they  did  not  know  any* 
way,  were  necessary.  When  nature  called,  the  mothers  held 
their  babies  away  from  them,  parted  the  slits  and  that  was 
it.  No  trouble  at  all  unless  one  would  have  been  squeamish 
about  the  smell  or  the  sanitation  which  these  simple  peasants 
were  not.  Annie  and  I,  being  so  much  in  the  minority,  did 
not  dare  to  voice  or  even  show  our  disapproval. 

Gradually  they  congregated  around  us  and  the  more 
Annie  was  taking  off,  the  more  amused  they  grew.  They 
laughed  and  chatted  and  had  a  real  good  walla-walla  which 
could  mean  a  talk-feast  or  a  gossiping  session.  What  else 
could  Annie  do,  but/laugh  and  smile  back  at  her  audience? 
If  they  had  fun  watching  her,  we  had  fun  watching  them.  It 
was  a  new  experience  for  all  of  us. 

The  train  was  relatively  well  heated,  at  least  too 
much  for  all  the  clothing  Annie  wore.  She  took  off  her 
fur  coat,  and  as  she  did  so,  our  fellow  travelers  saw 
that  underneath  she  was  wearing  another  coat,  made  of 
heavy,  grey  wool.  She  took  that  one  off.  I  don't  know  what 
they  expected,  but  she  still  had  not  reached  her  altogether. 
Under  the  grey  wool  coat  she  wore  a  woolen  suit.  That, 
indeed,  was  too  much.  The  laughter  grew  hilariously.  No- 
body in  the  world  could  ever  wear  so  much.  At  least,  they 
had  never  seen  anything  like  it.  It  was  not  the  end,  but 
almost.  Annie  now  took  off  the  suit  jacket  and  lo  and  behold 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it*. 


-  45  - 


under  it  she  was  wearing  a  wool  sweater.  She  brought  the 
house  down.  They  really  rolled  in  the  aisles.  They  were 
so  much/affected  by  laughter  that  they  clapped  their  hands 
in  sheer  wonderment.  What  next?  Would  she  also  take  off 
the  sweater  and  what  would  be  under  it  if  anything?  Their 
anticipatory  fascination  was  beyond  anything  we  had  ever 
observed.  Annie  said  to  me  that  she  felt  like  a  strip 
teaser,  but  she  would  be  damned  if  she  would  go  any 
further  with  the  show.  She  would  not  let  them  see  her 
woolen  underwear.  They  might  die  from  laughter.  Yet,  hav== 
ing  been  an  actress,  she  was  hard  up  not  to  take  a  bow. 
she  never  had  had  such  an  appreciative  audience.  At  last 
she  sat  down  and  unintentionally  continued  her  performance. 

As  she  removed  her  rubber  boots,  her  audience  went 
down  to  squat  on  the  floor,  or  those  behind  stood  on  the 
benches  to  have  a  better  view  at  what  was  happening  now. 
After  all,  this  was  a  sensational,  new  experience  -  a 
"miserable"  female  who  not  only  wore  boots,  but  under  them 
even  a  pair  of  shoes  and  stockings.  Hei-ho,  hei-ho,  they 
thought,  Annie  and  I  must  be  rich  land  owners  in  our  country 
that  we  could  afford  so  much  clothing.  Nobody  paid  any 
attention  to  me,  for  I  had  one  coat  only  and  one  pair  of 
shoes.  Finally,  when  the  show  seemed  to  have  come  to  a 
close,  they  all  got  up  again  or  stepped  down  from  the 
benches.  That  was  the  moment  when  they  discovered  the 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  id 


-  46  - 


• 


upstanding,  green  feather  on  Annie's  cute  felt  hat.  Indeed, 
it  was  the  punch  line,  the  master  stroke  of  comedy.  Who 
ever  had  worn  a  feather  on  a  hat,  not  to  speak  of  a  hat 
at  all?  They  formed  a  line  so  that  each  one  could  pass  by 
Annie  and  fingertip  that  feather,  making  it  swing  back  and 
forth.  Then  at  last  they  retired  to  their  seats  to  discuss 
the  phenomenon  of  this  crazy  foreign  woman. 
Opposite  from  me  sat  an  old  Chinese  with  a  straggly  beard. 
After  all  the  commotion  had  died  down,  he  pointed  at  the 
feather  on  Annie's  hat  and  sadly  shook  his  head. Apparently 
he  did  not  approve  of  a  mere  "miserable"  wife  who  dressed 
like  a  peacock.  Chinese  peasant  women  were  much  too  modest 
for  that.  But  he  was  quite  a  friendly  fellow.  After  a  while 
he  asked  us,  "Ho  la  ma?"  (How  are  you?).  Of  course,  we 
didn't  know  a  word  of  Chinese  and  so  just  nodded,  instead 
of  politely  answering,  "Gay  ho  la  nay  no  la  ma"  (Very  well, 
thank  you,  hope  you  are  too) .  For  a  short  moment  the  old 
man  looked  at  us  with  a  kind  of  pity.  It  dawned  on  him 
that  we  were  very  ignorant  people  who  did  not  understand 
a  word  of  Chinese  which,  however,  did  not  keep  him  from 
conversing  with  us.  For  no  reason  I  can  explain  I  called 
the  old  man  -  Ottokar,  a  name  that  certainly  did  not  fit 
him.  It  just  came  to  my  mind  and  to  this  day,  whenever  I 
think  of  him,  he  has  remained  to  me  -  Ottokar. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  cnme  of  tt! 


-  47  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  ♦S  - 


The  old  man  took  It  upon  himself  to  describe  for  us 
the  landscape  through  which  we  were  traveling.  He  chatted 
away  as  if  we  were  old  friends.  From  time  to  time  I  said 
a  few  words  in  German  and  he  smiled  with  satisfaction  al- 
though he  understood  as  little  German  as  we  did  Chinese, 
that  is  none  at  all.  Nevertheless,  we  had  a  wonderful  con= 
versation  and  all  would  have  been  well  if  he  had  not 
smelled  so  much  of  garlic  that  I  got  nauseated  and  had 
to  smoke  one  cigarette  after  another  to  overcome  his 
foul  breath. 

When  around  midnight  the  train  reached  Hsingking, 
Annie  reversed  her  performance.  She  stepped  into  her 
rubber  boots,  put  on  her  suit  jacket,  then  her  wool-  and 
finally  her  fur  coat.  Actually,  she  was  not  wearing  all 
these  garments  only  because  it  had  been  quite  cold  through 
Siberia  and  in  Harbin,  but  more  so  because  we  had  had  no 
space  for  them  in  the  suitcases  we  had  managed  to  take 
along  on  our  flight  from  Nazi-Germany.  Once  more  our 
fellow  travelers  gathered  around  her.  When  she  alighted 
from  the  train,  they  all  bowed  to  her  in  deep  reverence. 
Nobody  took  any  notice  of  me.  Only  old  Ottokar  shook  my 
hand  in  commiseration  for  having  such  a  vain  and  miserable 
woman  for  a  wife. 


to  draw  attention  to  herself,  had  happened  many  years 
before  that  show  in  the  Manchurian  mail  train.  It  was  a 
very  cold  winter  day  in  Hamburg,  Germany,  and  the  two  of 
us  were  briskly  walking  along  a  crowded  douTitown  thorough- 
fare. I  began  to  notice  that  people  stared  at  Annie,  then 
smiled  and  even  looked  back  when  they  had  passed  us.  After 
a  while  I  wondered  what  was  the  matter.  I  shifted  my  eyes 
to  her  and  as  they  traveled  from  her  head  downward  I  dis=« 
covered  to  my  dismay  the  reason  why  she  had  become  the 
sinecure  of  all  eyes.  She  was  wearing  a  fur  jacket  which 
she  held  tightly  together  with  her  arms  as  a  protection 
against  the  cold  wind.  That  damned  jacket  had  drawn  her 
skirt  high  up  and  she  was  walking  with  her  woolen,  red 
panties  exposed. 

Oh,  I  could  cite  many  more  "for  instances'",  but  I 
better  leave  it  be  for  the  time  being. 

Who  is  she?  Her  maiden  name  was  "Milde'^  (mild  in 

English),  and  she  very  much  lived  and  still  lives  up  to 

as/ 
that  name.  She  is/even-tempered  as  a  storm  which  never 

breaks.  She  is  not  given  to  crying  spells  or  temper  tantrums 

and  has  a  beautiful  smile  that  I  wouldn't  sell  for  a  million 

dollars.  She  does  not  know  how  to  complain  although  she 

often  had  reasons  for  it.  She  is  not  a  demanding  or  domineer' 

Ing  woman.  What  we  can't  afford  to  have,  we  can't  afford 


Another  "for  instance",  how  Annie  managed 


to  have,  and  that's  that.  She  understands  less  about 


money 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    iti 


-    49    - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing   came   of    itI 


-  50  - 


than  I  do,  and  in  her  case  that  is  nothing.  She  has  no 
head  at  all  for  any  business  deals,  but  thank  God  she 
"digs"  me  which  is  not  very  easy  and  certainly  more  than 
I  do  myself.  She  is  the  perfect  wife  for  a  writer,  not 
gabby  and  as  quiet  as  a  mouse  when  I  am  working.  She  is 
a  trustworthy  critic  and  not  afraid  to  tell  me  where  I 
went  wrong  in  her  opinion.  In  most  cases  she's  right,  too, 
although  I  won't  always  admit  it.  There  is  no  malice  in 
her,  and  she  can't  tell  a  lie,  even  if  it  would  kill  her. 
No,  that's  not  entirely  true.  Aside  from  official  docu= 


men 


ts  she  would  not  tell  the  truth  about  her  age.  It 


even  confuses  me  sometimes. 

It  is  quite  a  complicated  job  to  be  a  writer's  wife. 

f 
Stuart  Cloete  wrote  in  an  articleabout  "The  Writer's 

Life":  "  The  person  to  be  sorry  for  is  his  wife.  Hers  is 

a  lonely  existence  with  rivals  she  cannot  see.  When  he's 

working,  a  writer  is  absent-minded;  when  he's  finished,  he's 

used  up  and  depressed,  convinced  he'll  never  write  another 

line  -  until  the  next  idea  gets  hold  of  him  and  he  dis= 

appears  into  his  private  euphoria." 

Annie,  indeed,  never  failed  to  cope  with  this  kind  of 
life  and  this  kind  of  a  husband.  And  that  is  a  trait  very 
few  women  possess  unless  they're  writers  theirselves. 

Who  is  she?  She  is  not  one  of  those  demonstratively 
emotional  women,  thank  God,  and  neither  is  she  a  typical 


housewife  as  she  herself  will  admit.  I  could  not  live 
with  a  woman  who  prefers  cleaning  to  reading,  cooking  to 
discussing  events  of  the  day,  washing  laundry  to  talking 
about  literature.  As  far  as  house  chores  are  concerned 
we  keep  them  to  a  minimum  and  share  equally  in  them.  Most 
of  our  married  life  we  didn't  have  a  house  to  clean.  We 
lived  a  nomadic  existence  and  didn't  care  to  possess  our 
own  furniture  or  whatever  normal  married  couples  cherish 
to  own.  We  lived  for  each  other  and  that  sufficed  as  far 
as  we  were  concerned.  To  ray  estimate  she  always  was  and 
still  is  pretty  and  as  I  said  has  a  million  dollar  smile 
which  quite  often  pulled  me  through,  in  particular  after 
the  many  massive  operations  I  had  to  undergo.  She  doesn't 
panic  and  can  take  misfortune  and  fortune  without  getting 
all  excited  about  it.  We  both  had  severe  bouts  with  cancer 
and  survived  without  making  a  great  issue  about  them.  Her 
faith  in  God  knows  no  bounds  and  that  is  all  one  needs  to 
live  a  happy  life.  We  two  always  got  along  famously  and 
still  do  so  after  many  years  of  marriage.  Our  love  for 
each  other  did  not  diminish,  but  has  grown  like  wine 
mellows  with  age.  We  believe  that  we  have  two  hearts  and 
one  soul. 

At  the  time  wc  got  married  no  one  gave  us  any  odds 
that  we  would  stick  it  out  for  more  than  a  year.  I  was 
Jewish,  but  was  not  brought  up  to  follow  religious  tra- 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    It  I 


-    51    - 


Please,    don't  worry'.    Nothing  came   of    itl 


-  52  - 


dltions  or  dogmas  in  any  way  whatsoever.  My  father  was  a 
very  liberal  man  who  did  not  deny  the  ethical  standards 
of  Judaism,  but  accepted  them  without  outside  demonstrations 
The  idea  of  regulated  worship  was  anathema  to  him.  A  re- 
ligious person,  so  he  believed,  was  not  necessarily  a 
good  person.  Consequently  I  was  n^er  officially  confirmed 
to  be  a  Jew,  that  is  I  did  not  go  through  the  formalities 
of  a  barmitzvah.  My  mother,  although  she,  too,  never  went 
to  worship  in  a  synagogue,  strangely  enough  felt  initially 
sad  that  I  did  not  marry  a  Jewish  girl. 

Annie  was  Catholic  and  had  been  reared  in  a  convent. 
Her  folks,  in  contrast  to  mine,  were  blindly  orthodox  and 
threw  her  out  when  they  learned  she  was  engaged  to  a  Jewish 
boy.  Such  are  religions.  They  induce  people  to  act  ridicu* 
lously  divisive, 

Annie  and  I  had  never  any  trouble  in  that  respect.  We 
never  did  prescribe  to  any  organized  religious  sect.  It  is 
our  opinion  that  religion  actually  boils  down  to  human  be= 
haviorism  and  relation  to  one  another.  Otherwise  it  is 
nothing  but  a  crutch.  If  we  had  had  children,  we  would 
have  brought  them  up  with  faith  in  God  and  no  more.  What- 
ever religion  they  would  have  or  not  have  chosen,  that 
would  have  been  their  own  business.  Neither  would  we  have 
objected  if  they  had  wanted  to  marry  a  Chinese,  a  Negro, 
or  a  Hottentot.  As  wo  judge  a  person  only  by  his  or  her 


character,  cultural  and  educational  standards  as  well  as 
individual  merit,  so  we  would  have  Judged  their  chosen 
mates  in  the  same  manner.  Nobody,  not  even  parents, have 
the  right  to  interfere  with  any  grown-up  person.  We  do  not 
know,  though,  how  we  would  have  acted  to  any  child  of  ours 
if  he  or  she  would  have  embraced  either  Communism  or  Fascism 
That  is  a  question  neither  of  us  can  answer  now  because  we 
feel  very  strongly  about  it.  We  cannot  abide  extremism. 

We  two  literally  met  on  the  stage.  I  was  her  director 

a/ 
and  she  was/completely  inexperienced,  naive  young  actress. 

At  first  I  didn't  take  much  notice  of  her  other  than  I 

thought  she  had  a  funny  face.  She  still  has.  Then  all  of 

a  sudden,  as  if  a  veil  ha^  fallen  from  my  eyes,  I  took  to 

her  so  hard  that  I  didn't  let  her  reject  me,  although  she 


was  determined  never  to  marry.  I  pursued  and  brainwashed 

yielded. / 
her  until  she  finally/iji 


She  had  one 


great  asset  in  her  favor.  Ever  since  her  early  childhood 
she  had  been  an  orphan,  brought  up  by  an  aunt  and  uncle. 
At  least  I  didn't  have  to  cope  with  parents-in-law.  I  al- 
ways thought  that  one  set  of  parents,  as  wonderful  as  they 
were,  was  sufficient  for  me. 

It  was  quite  silly  to  predict  that  our  marriage  could 
not  last  long  because  supposedly  we  came  from  two  different 
worlds.  There  is  only  one  world  for  all  human  beings  and 
any  difference  among  them  are  of  our  own  makings.  Anyway, 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    It  I 


-  53  - 


our  marriage  has  now  happily  lasted  for  very  many  years 
although  It  had  not  been  sanctified  by  a  priest,  a  rever- 
end or  a  rabbi.  We  were  satisfied  to  swear  our  allegiance 
before  a  justice  of  the  peace.  After  all,  any  marriage 
certificate  Is  just  a  piece  of  paper  with  no  guarantee 
attached  that  the  promises  It  contains  will  be  kept.  It 
Is  nothing  but  a  treaty  between  two  parties  and  If  treaties 
would  always  be  adhered  to,  then  we  would  have  neither 
divorces  nor  wars.  The  same  applies  to  Invocations  by 
so-called  raen-of-God.  They  are  mere  words,  hollow  and 
empty,  If  goodwill  does  not  exist.  In  wars  God  Is  called 
upon  to  help,  abet  and  bless  soldiers  of  two  opposing 
armies.  What  kind  of  religious  chicanery  Is  that?  Does 
anyone  with  a  sane  mind  believe  that  God  takes  sides? 
God  here  on  earth  Is  represented  by  each  single  human  being 
and  no  evangelist  can  change  that.  We  are  all  children  of 
God.  Unless  each  one  of  us  recogaczQ4  and  accepts  this 
simple  fact  we  cannot  live  In  peace.  The  few  self-styled 
representatives  of  God  I  have  met  did  not  encourage  me  to 
join  any  of  their  denominations. 

Our  marriage  started  under  the  gathering  clouds  of 
rising  Nazism.  Even  under  normal  circumstances  a  mixed 
marriage  Is  generally  frowned  upon.  Under  Hitler  It  became 


an  outright  crime.  It  Is  a  sad  commentary  that  even  today 
In  the  new  nation  of  Israel  a  mixed  marriage  Is  not  recog' 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  54  - 


9 


nlzed  under  the  law  and  children  of  mixed  marriages  are 
considered  bastards.  Why  have  the  Israelis  not  learned 
from  the  Infamous  Nuremberg  race- laws? 

CXir  life  together  was  destined  to  be  fraught  with 
hazardous  ventures,  most  of  them  through  no  fault  of  our 
own.  I  have  little  doubt  that  I  must  have  been  created  by 
God  when  he  was  In  a  fighting  mood.  Through  all  my  youth 
I  got  Into  one  scrape  after  another,  and  I  had  more  black 
eyes  and  bloody  noses  than  anyone  else  In  my  age  group. 
fven   before  I  was  a  teen-ager  I  didn't  let  anyone  abuse 


me 


because  I  happened  to  be  a  Jew.  Later  on  as  a  soldier 


I  was  anything  but  subservlant  which  certainly  did  not 
endear  me  to  any  officer  of  the  Prussian  variety.  I  still 
believe  that  in  my  own  way  I  am  as  good  a  man  as  anybody 
else,  and  I  will  stand  up  for  my  rights  the  same  as  I 
will  admit  my  errors.  As  I  do  not  feel  inferior  to  anyone. 


I  neither  do  feel  superior. 


f:^ 


The  turbulence  of  the  post  Arst  t/orld  i/ar  years, 
when  Germany  was  in  a  constant  state  of  paroxysm,  cer= 
tainly  drew  me  already  Into  an  adventurous  life.  It  was 
natural  with  me  to  join  those  groups  who  stood  up  against 
the  evils  of  left  and  right  extremism.  It's  not  my  nature 
to  bend  with  the  wind.  In  fact,  I  was  almost  constantly 
Involved  against  or  for  some  vital  political  and  social 
Issues. 


Please »  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-    55   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  56  - 


Contrary  to  her  sedate  upbringing  In  a  small,  pro- 
vincial town  and  within  the  narrow  confines  of  a  dicta=- 
torlal  religion,  which  demanded  and  expected  total  sub=» 
servlance  and  unquestioning  obedience  to  its  dogmas  and 
rituals,  Annie  had  within  her  the  spark  of  rebellious 
opposition  which  broke  into  full  bloom  after  she  had 
hitched  up  with  me.  In  short,  she  became  as  foolhardedly 
combative  as  I  always  had  been.  She  as  a  non-Jew  accepted 
the  challenge  of  anti-Semitism.  Like  me  she  lacked  the 
courage  to  be  a  coward. 


Our  first  adventure,  a  few  weeks  after  we 
had  gotten  married  ,  rose  from  the  fact  that  I  was  scheduled 
to  play  the  leading  part  in  a  play  to  which  the  few  local 
Nazis  in  the  small  town  vigorously  objected.  Not  only 
did  these  nincompoops  object/to  the  part  and  play,  but 
they  also  objected  to  me  personally,  being  the  only  Jew 
in  the  cast  and  even  in  the  town  where  we  were  playing. 
On  the  afternoon  of  the  opening  of  the  play  I  went 
for  a  haircut  to  the  one  and  only  barbershop.  Then  and 
there  three  representatives  of  these  brown-shirted  morons 
approached  me  and  quite  frankly  warned  me  that  1  would  be 
the  target  of  one  of  their  shooting  practices  in  case  I 
Insisted  in  playing  the  part  /that  night.  What  else  could 
I  do  but  tell  them  to  go  to  hell?  They  might  have  eventually, 


but  they  certainly  did  not  do  so  that  day. 

It  happened  at  the  end  of  the  second  act.  The  brave 

more/ 
Nazi  warriors  -  there  could  not  have  been  /than  half  a 

dozen  -  menacingly  advanced  to  conquer  the  stage  and 

slay  the  villain  -me.  My  fellow  actors  prudently  (I 

use  this  polite  adjective  here  advisedly,  for  it  is  a  c  j 

common  human  frailty  not  to  want  getting  involved  in  some 

one  else's  troubles)  retired.  I  had  no  choice  but  to  stand 

my  ground  although  I  don't  like  to  act  the  part  of  a  hero 

if  I  can  help  it,  but  I  disapprove  of  being  a  coward  so 

much  more.  A  coward,  as  I  already  had  learned  at  this 

young  age,  dies  a  thousand  deaths.  Anyway,  like  Martin 

Luther  at  Wittenberge  (or  was  it  Worms?)  I  felt  like 

shouting   at  these  miserable  imbeciles,  "God  help  me  I 


I II 


Here  I  standi  I  can't  do  otherwise  1 


Suddenly,  though,  I  noticed  that  I  had  a  co-defender  - 
Annie.  She  had  run  out  onto  the  stage  and  for  lack  of  any 
real  weapons  she  had  grabbed  the  next  best  things  that 
were  handy  -  a  hairbrush  in  one  hand  and  a  prop-brick 
(made  of  cardboard)  in  the  other.  She  did  not  have  the 
stature  of  a  Brunhilde  (the  mighty  female  warrior  in 
Germanic  mythology),  but  the  spirit  of  this  legendary 
woman  possessed  her.  With  a  hairbrush  and  a  cardboard 
brick  she  rallied  to  my  side  to  win  or  die  with  me. 

I  cannot  say  why,  but  the  sight  of  Annie  with  her 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-    57   - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   It! 


-  58  - 


pert  nose^nhanclng  her  whiifclcal  face, and  her  gentle  eyes, 
now  livid  with  scorn,  stopped  the  storm  troopers  in  their 
tracks.  For  a  moment  it  looked  like  a  stalemate,  but  then 
they  turned  about  and  retreated  after  having  raised  their 
right  arras  and  shouting  the  Nazi  salute  "Heil  Hitler". 
Annie  definitely  was  the  heroine.  The  audience,  as  well 
as  our  "prudent"  fellow  actors  applauded  her.  It  was  her 
first  great  triumph  on  stage  and  she  deserved  it.  She,  too, 
had  not  much  talent  for  heroics,  but  where  I  was  concerned 
she  never  hesitated  to  stand  up  and  be  counted. 


You  can  bet  your  sweet  life  that  whenever 
anything  happens  to  me  it  won't  happen  in  the  ordinary 
way  and  without  any  dramatic  impact.  Over  the  years  Annie 
has  gotten  used  to  it,  but  so  short  after  our  wedding  it 
still  makes  me  wonder  that  the  events  did  not  leave  her 
with  some  traumatic  shock.  On  the  evening  following  the 
ludicrous  Nazi  attack  I  was  stricken  by  appendicitis .fllBr 
The  entire  incident  could  well  be  called  a  comedia  d'el 
arte  or  a  fa4ce  if  my  life  had  not  been  at  stake.  At  that 
time  appendicitis  was  often  fatal.  Timothy  was  too  much 
annoyed  to  be  disturbed,  but  nonetheless  assured  me  in 
his  grouchy  way  that  I  won't  be  dying. 

There  was  only  one  over-aged  general  practitioner  in 
town  and  a  retired  navy  surgeon  whose  medical  reputation 
was  not  the  best.  Both  of  them  had  already  gone  to  bed 


^ 


and  did  not  take  it  kindly  to  be  rudely  awakened  out  of 
their  slumber.   After  a  cursory  medical  examination  I 
was  taken  on  a  stretcher  with  torch  bearers  fore  and  aft 
to  the  so-called  local  hospital.  Our  landlady  assured 
Annie  that  we  were  all  in  God's  hands,  a  superfluous, 
unctuous  reminder  because  she  was  always  well  aware  of 
it.  The  question  remained,  though,  how  well  God's  hands 
were  guiding  the  hands  of  the  two  medicine  men.  I  had 
felt  too  miserable  to  tell  her  about  Timothy's  assurance. 
Not  yet  married  two  months  Annie  learned  her  first  lesson 
that  being  my  wife  was  fraught  with  dramatic  surprises. 
She  followed  the  swaying  stretcher  and  torch  bearers 
through  the  narrow,  dark  streets  -  a  kind  of  medieval 
procession  if  there  ever  was  one.  In  a  theatrical  way 
it  was  a  badly  written  scene  as  if  lifted  from  a  classic 
opera  in  which  heroes  and  heroines  ridiculously  die  for 
at  least  ten  minutes,  singing  their  hearts  out  to  the  very 
last  moment.  Luckily  for  Annie  she  could  not  foresee  that 
in  another  thirty  years  (what  young  couple  ever  imagine 
that  they  still  would  be  together  in  thirty  years?)  I 
would  make  surgery  an  almost  continuous  feature  in  my 
life.  But  as  young  and  inexperienced  as  she  was,  she  kept 


•^«. 


her  cool  although  she  was  tretbling  from  fear  on  the  inside. 
It  was  her  nature  not  to  let  her  emotions  take  full  control 
of  her. 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   it; 


-  59  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  60  - 


The  so-called  hospital  was  a  narrow,  ancient  two 

story  brick  building,  behind  which  a  small,  but  rapid 

and  noisy  waterfall  could  drive  any  patient  to  a  nervous 

breakdown.  The  upper  floor  was  one  big  hall,  containing 

sixteen  cots.  That  night  only  one  was  occupied  by  an  old 

drifter  who  suffered  from  delirium  tremens.  On  the  ground 

floor  was  a  single  private  room  with  an  old,  creaking 

bed  that  was  even  too  short  for  me  although  I  stand  only 

five  feet  six  inches  in  my  stockinged  feet.  Another  larger 

room  served  as  the  general  practitioner's  office  and  in 

case  of  an  emergency  as  the  surgeon's  operating  theatre. 

No  sane  resident  in  the  little  town  would  let  that  surgeon 

even  lay  a  hand  on  him  or  her  unless  the  emergency  was  one 

where  the  patient  could  not  be  transported  to  a  hospital 

some  thirty  mountainous  kilometer  distant.  A  single, 

elderly  nurse,  who  had  her  living  quarters  also  on  the 

ground  floor,  was  on  duty  twenty- four  hours  a  day  but 

take/ 
she  did  not /very  kindly  to  a  patient  who  rang  for  her  after 

ten  p.m.  It  did  not  faze  me  a  bit.  Whenever  1  had  need  of 

her,  I  called  for  her  with  such  insistence  that  she  had 

to  get  out  of  bed  and  come  to  see  what  was  the  matter  with 

me.  Neither  did  she  care  to  show  her  displeasure,  nor  did 

she  bother  to  throw  a  robe  over  her  flannel  night  gown. 

Disgruntled  as  he  was,  the  retired  navy  surgeon  with 

the  assistance  of  the  over-aged  general  practitioner  succeeded 


in  removing  my  appendix  in  one  piece  although  it  was  on 
the  point  of  bursting.  1  guess,  Timothy  made  sure  that 
nothing  was  done  which  could  ^danger  my  life.  However, 
it  took  the  two  doctors  close  to  three  hours  which  poor 
Annie  had  to  sweat  out  on  a  wooden  bench  in  the  hall 
where  behind  a  window  the  waterfall  worked  on  her  nerves  in 
the  manner  of  a  Spanish  torture. 

The  next  day  and  each  day  as  long  as  I  was  in  that 
hospital  the  local  newspaper  issued  a  medical  progress 
report  about  me.  At  that  time,  years  before  Hitler  came 
to  power,  the  citizenry  like  in  any  democratic  country 
still  had  the  right  to  make  their  opinions  known  by 
letters  to  the  editor,  and  they  were  with  one  exception 
all  in  favor  of  me.  How  I  ever  could  have  fallen  victim 
to  appendicitis  as  a  result  of  what  the  letters  to  the 
editor  claimed  to  be  was  "an  uncalled-for,  shameful  attack 
by  the  brown  storm  troopers"  is  impossible  to  figure  out, 
but  that  seemed  to  be  the  general  idea  in  town.  In  fact, 
these  "poor"  brown  devils  were  urged  by  public  opinion 
to  apologize  to  me  and  on  the  third  day  a  delegation  of 
two  appeared  at  the  hospital  with  the  intention  to  do 
penance.  This  probably  was  the  one  and  only  time  in  the 
history  of  Nazidom  that  any  member  of  the  S#A,  or  S.S. 
ever  tried  to  beg  forgiveness  fromj/a  Jew.  I  told  the 
nurse  to  throw  them  out.  Apologies  were  not  acceptable 


'    >MWiti||iWMlimi 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   it  I 


-   61    - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    iti 


-  62  - 


to  me.  It  gave  me  a  good  feeling  to  add  insult  to  injury 
although  Timothy  disapproved.  He  had  been  brainwashed 
that  only  the  meek  inherit  the  earth.  I  was  anything 
but  meek,  sorry,  folks.  Later,  after  Hitler  had  taken 
over  Germany,  these  same  storm  troopers  killed  the  Jews 
first  without  apologizing  afterwards.  As  heroes  they  were 
and  remained  a  sad  lot. 

Annie,  though,  never  learned  to  restrain  her  fighting 
spirit  in  my  behalf.  Some  ••  years  after  the  storm  troopers' 
attack  on  me  she  pulled  another  "heroic",  but  more  danger^ 
ous  stunt.  During  the  years  prior  to  the  Hitler  regime 

I  had  become  quite  well  known  as  an  anti-Nazi  and  anti- 

r>  an/ 

Communist  writer.  After  1933  I  joined/fflt  anti-Nazi  re=: 


sistance  underground  movement  as  well  as  a  Jewish  organ= 
ization  to  help  Jewish  artists  who  were  the  first  victims 
to  lose  their  livelihood  under  the  Nazi  regime.  No  doubt, 
I  had  been  and  remained  a  thorn  in  the  eyes  of  the  Nazis, 
but  for  some  time  and  for  reasons  unknown  to  me  they  left 
me  alone. 

One  day,  Annie  and  I  walked  along  one  of  Hamburg's 
most  famous  boulevards,  the  Jungfemstieg  (literally 
translated:  The  street  of  the  Virgins  although  I  defy 
anyone  who  dares  to  claim  of  ever  having  seen  a  virgin 
there,  since  it  was  a  favorite  yolace  for  higher  class 
street  walkers).  A  newspaper  "boy"  (he  must  have  been 


in  his  twenties) ,  wearing  a  brown  Nazi  storm  trooper  uni- 
form, was  exclusively  selling  the  infamous  weekly  Nazi 
periodical  "Der  Stuermer"  (The  Stormer) ,  published  and 
edited  by  the  obscene,  filthy-minded  Nazi  Gauleiter 
Julius  Streicher.  It  so  happened  that  in  that  week's 
paper  my  name  was  featured  in  the  headline.  "Hear  all 
about  the  Jew-Bastard  Max  Berges"  the  storm  trooper  news=» 
boy  yelled.  That  was  too  much  for  Annie.  It  didn't  disturb 
me.  Actually,  I  considered  it  an  honor  to  be  worthy  of 
being  the  subject  of  Streicher' s  excrementitious  mind. 
I  told  Annie  so,  but  she  couldn't  see  it  my  way.  The 
very  moment  we  passed  this  brown- uniformed  newspaper 
seller  she  turned  on  him  with  all  the  fury  of  a  female 
knight  in  shining  armor  or  rather  a  female  chevalier 
sans  peur.  She  grabbed  the  stack  of  newspapers  and  threw 
it  into  the  gutter  (where  it  really  belonged,  I  had  to 
admit).  The  man  was  so  surprised  that  he  didn't  put  up 
his  dukes  in  time.  Annie  did  not  only  give  him  a  tongue- 
lashing,  but  also  hit  him  over  the  head  with  her  umbrella. 
Naturally,  a  crowd  began  to  gather  around  us  and  the 
situation  became  essentially  dangerous.  I  had  no  choice 
but  to  pull  Annie  away  before  other  storm  troopers  could 
be  attracted.  We  were  lucky  not  to  have  ended  up  in  Ge- 
stapo headquarters  which  already  was  known  as  a  place 
where  unbelievable  brutalities  were  perpetrated  on  anti- 


Please,  don*t  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it 

!         -  63  - 

Nazis  and  Jews.  I  was  both. 

h                                      Yet  -  believe  it  or  not  -  I  was  no 

stranger  at  Ge« 

stapo  headquarters.  In  fact,  I  had  been 

a  regular  "visitor" 

there  because  I  was  in  a  position  to  be 

of  help  to  some 

of  my  fellow  Jews  by  being  the  contact  man  between  them 

and  the  Gestapo.  Each  time  I  went  there 

I  took  my  life 

in  my  hands,  but  in 'the  end  and  by  some 

fortunate  happen=» 

stance  I  was  saved  from  being  arrested  and  most  probably 

being  killed  in  a  concentration  camp-^on 

which  proved  to 

be  my  last  visit  to  Gestapo  headquarters.  Later  Timothy 

claimed  that  he  had  arranged  the  entire 

rescue  mission.            i 

He  might  have  and  I  tend  to  believe  him 

because  my  case 

i                           was/  a  singular  one  although  it  did  fit 

well  into  the 

many  dramatic  aspects  of  my  life. 

After  Hitler  had  come  to  power  the 

German  Jews  were 

forbidden  to  enter  any  public  place  like  a  restaurant. 

a  theatre,  a  movie  house  or  whatever  else.  A  small  group 

of  Jewish  artists  and  others  founded  the  Jewish  Kultur= 

bund  (Jewish  League  for  Culture) ,  the  aim  of  which  was 

to  employ  only  Jewish  entertainers  (who 

like  me  had  been 

dismissed  and  could  not  perform  their  profession  anymore) 

by  Organizing  concerts  and  theatrical  performances  for 

exclusively  Jewish  audiences.  We  were  obliged  to  submit 

L           in  detail  each  manuscript  or  program  to 

the  Gestapo  for 

censorship  and  permit.  I  was  elected  to 

do  just  that  for 

Please,  don*t  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  6'*  - 


reasons  which  are  of  little  importance  anymore.  I  had  to 
go  to  Gestapo  Headquarters  once  a  month.  It  was  quite  an 
unpleasant  job  which  again  and  again  I  undertook  with 
trepidation.  The  Gestapo  agents  were  like  vipers.  One 
never  knew  when  they  would  strike. 

Each  time  I  was  led  to  the  same  office  to  see  the 
same  man  to  whom  I  had  to  submit  our  programs  and  manu- 
scripts. He  kept  them  and  called  me  back  several  days 
later  to  pick  them  up  again  after  he  had  censored  them. 
Of  course,  he  had  neither  the  education  nor  the  experience 
for  such  a  job  and  seldom  discovered  any  of  the  subtle 
and  sometimes  not  so  subtle  anti-Nazi  innuendos  we  had 
built  into  our  programs.  Generally  he  blue-penciled  the 
wrong  lines.  Like  most  of  the  fanatical  Nazis  he  lacked 
a  sense  of  humor. 

On  ray  visit  in  October  of  1935  a  mistake  occurred. 
I  was  led  to  the  wrong  office  to  a  man  whom  I  had  known 
prior  to  1933.  He  had  been  a  member  of  the  Social-Democratic 
Party,  the  real  arch-enemy  of  the  Nazis.  He  -  like  some 
others  -  had  been  delegated  to  infiltrate  the  Gestapo  as 
spies.  Most  of  them  were  later  exposed  and  executed.  At 
seeing  me,  he  almost  did  a  double  flip.  I  was  the  last 
person  he  expected.  Not  wasting  a  moment's  time  he  in«» 
formed  me  that  he  had  just  seen  the  list  of  the  next  series 
of  arrests  which  would  go  into  effect  in  three  days.  My 


Please,    don't   worry!    Nothing  came   of   It! 


-  65  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  66  - 


name  topped  that  list.  Someone  had  denounced  me  as  a  member 
of  our  underground  group.  He  gave  me  one  advice:  Don't 
hesitate.  Get  out  of  Germany  and  get  out  without  delay. 
The  most  I  had  were  forty-eight  hours.  He  also  warned   me 
not  to  draw  any  or  all  of  my  money  out  of  my  bank  account. 
The  bank  was  duty-bound  to  report  it  to  the  Gestapo  who 
then  immediately  would  take  me  into  custody. 

Naturally,  I  didn't  submit  the  programs  and  manuscripts 
we  had  prepared  for  the  following  month,  but  left  the  omin- 
ous building  as  hastily  as  I  could  without  arousing  special 
attention.  I  really  was  on  the  spot.  Although  I  had  suc- 
cessfully managed  many  times  to  smuggle  other  people  in 
danger  of  arrest  out  of  Germany,  I  could  do  little  or 
most  probably  nothing  for  myself  just  then.  As  bad  luck 
would  have  it,  all  my  contacts  were  unavailable  for  some 
reason  or  other.  Luckily  I  had  had  the  foresight  to  acquire 
passports  for  Annie  and  myself  before  Hitler  came  to  power. 
They  were  still  valid.  Moreover,  I  had  enough  ready  cash 
stashed  away.  I  always  had  known  that  the  day  would  come 
when  we  had  to  quit  Nazi-Germany  in  a  hurry. 

I  cannot  help  but  admit  that  Timothy  was  on  the  ball. 
I  had  not  walked  away  from  Gestapo  Headquarters  for  more 
than  a  hundred  yards  when  I  literally  bumped  into  a  man 
whom  I  had  met  once.  His  name  was  Moritz  Pfeiffer. 


me.  He  said  that  I  was  God's  answer  to  his  troubles.  It 
turned  out  that  he  was  also  the  answer  to  my  troubles. 
Walking  along  toward  the  next  street  car  stop,  he  told  me 
that  he  was  born  in  Tientsin,  China,  and  that  his  parents 
were  now  living  in  Shanghai.  All  this  may  sound  like  a 
fairy  tale,  but  it  was  true,  so  help  me  God.  He  wanted 
to  go  back  home,  as  he  called  Shanghai,  but  he  didn't 
have  and  couldn't  get  the  money  for  the  trip.  He   was 
stone  broke  and  nobody  would  lend  him  a  cent.  He  was 
small  and  chubby  with  the  dishonest  face  of  a  sly  con- 
man.  Despite  my  predicament,  which  somehow  stunted  my 
thinking  processes,  I  should  have  asked  him  why  his 
parents  didn't  send  him  the  money  or  why  he  had  not 
tried  to  interest  the  Jewish  community  council  in  his 
case.  Normally  I  would  have  inquired,  but  at  this  very 
momenmothing  else  mattered  bH^getting  Annie  and  myself 
out  of  Germany.  I  just  listened  to  his  proposition  and 
accepted  it  on  its  face  value  because  it  showed  me  the 
way  out  of  our  dilemna. 

This  man  Pfeiffer  assured  me  that  it  was  a  cinch  for 
him  to  get  Chinese  entry  visas  for  us  without  delay  and 
any  trouble.  By  helping  us,  all  we  had  to  do  was  lending  hi 
fifteen  hundred  Mark  so  that  he  could  return  to  Shanghai. 
His  parents  would  pay  me  back  the  day  we  arrived  there. 


m 


This  Pfeiffer  fellow  was  tremendously  happy  to  see 


It  seemed  to  be  an#excellent  bargain  since  according  to 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  67  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  68  - 


new  Nazi  laws ^emigrants  could  not  take  more  than  twenty 
dollars  per  person  out  of  Germany.  The  time  to  organize 
our  flight  was  so  short  that  we  had  to  obtain  immigration 
visas  fast  In  order  to  make  the  forty-eight  hour  deadline. 
Besides  by  lending  Pfeiffer  the  money  we  would  not  be 
totally  destitute  after  we  arrived  in  Shanghai.  I  agreed 
eagerly  that  early  the  following  morning  Annie  and  I 
would  meet  Pfeiffer  at  the  Chinese  Consulate.  After  we 
had  gotten  our  Chinese  entry  visas  I  would  hand  over  to 
Pfeiffer  fifteen  hundred  Mark  in  cash  for  which  he  would 
sign  an  I.O.U.  Furthermore,  I  insisted  upon  our  traveling 
together  and  thus  would  arrive  at  the  same  time  in  Shang= 
hai  where  his  parents  would  repay  me  in  Chinese  currency. 
It  seemed  to  be  a  very  simple  transaction.  Please,  don't 
worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 

In  his  enthusiasm  Pfeiffer  called  me  his  saviour.  As 
I  learned  too  late,  I  could  have  gotten  the  Chinese  visas 
without  him.  Besides  he  did  not  advise  me  in  advance  of 
the  necessary  travel  permits  through  Poland,  Russia  and 
Manchuria.  All  one  had  to  do  -  so  I  found  out  in  Shanghai  - 
was  to  fill  out  application  forms  at  the  Chinese  Consulate, 
pay  the  required  fee  and  one  would  get  the  visas  without/ 
any  trouble.  The  fuss  Pfeiffer  acted  out  for  us  had  no 
meaning  at  all.  However,  I  do  not  think  I  would  have 
thought  of  immigrating  to  China  if  it  hadn't  been  for  him. 


Savior?  Perhaps.  But  sucker  also  starts  with  an  "s*'. 

When  I  came  home  to  our  suburban  apartment,  I  told 

Annie  that  within  the  next  two  days  we  were  leaving  for 

Shanghai.  Just  like  that,  never  figuring  she  would  or 

could  be  stunned  by  these  news.  During  the  almost  two 

years,  since  Hitler  had  come  to  power,  we  had  talked 

quite  often  about  the  necessity  to  emigratefit  a  moment's 
notice/ 

/on  account  of  my  anti-Nazi  activities, past  and  present. 
We  had  little  doubt  that  one  day  they  would  catch  up  with 
me . 

That's  why  I  had  no  qualms  to  impart  the  news  to 
her  without  any  preliminaries.  However,  her  emotional 
reaction  surprised  me.  She  was  actually  stunned  at  first 
when  this  illusionary  possibility  had  changed  into  fact. 
I  should  have  known  that  a  woman  has  deeper  roots  than 
a  man.  Besides,  so  she  reasoned,  one  doesn't  just  go  to 
Shanghai.  One  just  doesn't  travel  uncounted  thousands  of 
miles  to  another,  absolutely  strange  continent  and  country, 
inhabited  by  very  strange  people  (the  only  Chinese  we  had 
ever  known  was  our  laundryman)  with  the  knowledge  that  this 
would  be  a  sort  of  final  move.  One  just  doesn't  leave  be=» 
hind  all  that  was  dear  to  oneself,  our  home  and  homeland, 
our  relatives  and  friends  without  any  assurance  whether  or 
not  we  would  ever  see  them  again.  Going  to  Shanghai  was 
something  incomprehensible  to  her.  We  had  talked  about 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  70  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-  69  - 


going  to  Sweden,  or  England,  Switzerland,  or  if  at  all 
possible  to  America  -  but  China,  the  Far  East  -  never. 
I  could  as  well  have  told  her  we  were  going  to  the  moon. 

It  took  her  minutes  to  recover  and  then  she  asked 
if  we  were  going  by  boat  or  train  and  how  would  we  manage 
to  make  a  living  there?  If  nothing  else,  women  are  always 
practical,  even  under  the  most  trying  circumstances.  I 
had  no  answer  yet  to  these  questions  other  that  Shanghai 
would  be  much  better  than  a  concentration  camp  where  I 
would  land  within  the  next  few  days  unless  we  succeeded 
in  our  flight. 

For  some  fifteen  years  prior  to  the  day  Hitler  took 

over  I  had  worked  hard  to  buiM  a  career  for  myself.  By 

the  end  of  1932  success  was  just  around  the  corner.  I 

mi^ht  have/ 

had  signed  the  kind  of  contracts  which/put  me  over  the 
top.  But  with  Hitler  not  liking  the  Jews  I  had  been 
stopped  short.  I  was  not  anymore  allowed  to  follow  my 
profession.  All  my  contracts  were  cancelled.  It  meant 
the  end  of  my  dreams,  my  hopes  and  ambitions.  Now  in 
October  of  1935  my  very  life  was  at  stake  and  I  better 
took  care  of  that.  I  could  do  very  well  without  a  con= 
ccntration  camp  where  I  certainly  wouldn't  stay  alive 
for  long.  I  wasn't  the  kind  of  man  who  wouldn't  hit 
back  when  I  was  hit.  I  n^or  had  been  able  to  keep  my 
mouth  shut  in  regard  to  my  low  esteem  of  the  N  izis  and 


Communists.  To  this  day  I  believe  that  neither  the  Ge- 
stapo nor  the  Waffen  SS  (Black  Storm  Troopers)  would 
have  succeeded  in  changing  my  obstinateness ,  tortures 
or  no  tortures.  Moreover,  Annie  -  although  she  might 

not  have  been  arrested  being  an  Aryan  despite  the  fact 

a/ 
that  in  the  opinion  of  the  Nazis  she  was  contaminjted  tff 

as  the  wife  of  a  Jew  -  would  neither  have  kept  quiet.  We 

both  had  been  in  the  forefront  of  the  anti-Nazi  resistance. 

It  would  have  been  more  than  foolish  not  to  heed  the  warn- 

ing.  The  time  had  come  -  as  we  had  expected  it  would  -  to 

get  out  and  stay  out.  A  martyr  among  millions  of  martyrs 

not  have  been/ 
would/Sl  a  contribution  to  the  anti-Nazi  cause.  As  a 

writer  and  speaker  I  could  be  of  better  use  outside  of 

Nazi-Germany.  Anyway,  I  could  not  see  myself  in  the  role 

was/ 
of  a  martyr.  That/not  my  style. 

Annie's  initial  shock  wore  off  as  quickly  as  it  had 
hit  her.  Bless  her,  she  had  the  heart  and  willpower  of 
an  Amazon  as  long  as  we  two  would  not  be  separated.  We 
were  a  team,  and  that  was  all  which  counted  to  her. 

"When  are  we  going  to  leave?"  she  asked. 

"Day  after  tomorrow.  Late  in  the  evening  or  at  night." 
I  assured  her  as  if  everything  was  already  settled. 

She  wanted  to  hear  my  story  in  full  and  I  gave/her 
a  detailed  account.  Of  course,  being  a  writer  and  an  actor 
she  knew  that  I  had  a  habit  of  partially  fictionizing  my 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  71  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  ttl 


-  72  - 


non-fiction,  and  so  she  asked,  slightly  suspicious,  "Is 
that  all  for  real,  or  do  I  have  to  get  my  blue  pencil?" 
For  years  she  had  been  my  literary  conscience.  Her 
blue  pencil  had  done  quite  a  job  on  anything  I  had  written. 
We  always  had  worked  together. 


11  T  •-  t 


It's  for  dead  real  this  time,"  I  told  her  and  she 
believed  me. 

Without  any  further  ado  she  got  up.  "All  right,  in 
that  case  we  better  start  packing." 

There  would  be  not  much  packing.  We  couldn't  ship 
anything  out  without  arousing  suspicion.  All  we  could 
take  with  us  was  what  we  could  carry  ourselves.  We  grieved 
most  about  abandoning  my  books,  some  of  which  were  quite 
valuable.  Nonetheless,  we  packed  thirteen  suitcases  in 
two  days  aside  from  rushing  from  one  consulate  to  the 
other  in  order  to  get  all  the  permits  we  would  need. 

Of  course,  thirteen  suitcases  (two  of  which  we  filled 
with  canned  food  of  all  kinds  like  pumpernickel,  crackers, 
coffee,  tea,  sausage  and  butter)  were  too  much  of  a  load. 
Once  we  had  crossed  the  German  border  we  could  not  afford 
to  hire  porters  anywhere.  Somehow  wo  would  have  to  manage 
carrying  the  cases  from  one  train  to  the  next.  But  the 
food  was  necessary  because  our  paid  fare  included  meals 
only  on  the  Trans-Siberian  Express  through  Russia.  A 
friend  of  ours  exchanged  for  us  at  his  bank  the  required 


amount  of  German  Mark  into  forty  American  one-dollar 
bills.  We  couldn't  dare  to  apply  for  a  special  ex« 
emption  to  take  more  money  with  us,  and  we  couldn't 
take  the  chance  of  smuggling  any  more  money  out  in  case 
we  were  searched  at  the  German  border.  We  were  lucky  at 
that  to  be  able  to  pay  for  our  entire  fare  from  Hamburg 
to  Shanghai  at  the  Russian  Intourist  travel-agency. 

If  the  Gestapo  had  had  any  suspicion  that  we  had 
been  fore-warned,  they  would  have  put  us  under  constant 
surveillance.  Apparently  they  had  not  done  so.  Otherwise 
our  visits  to  the  Intourist  office  and  the  several  foreign 
consulates  would  have  given  us  away. 

As  Pfeiffer  had  predicted  we  had  no  difficulty  in 
getting  our  entry  visas  into  China,  having  valid  German 
passports.  After  that  we  got  the  run-around.  The  Russian 
Consulate  stubbornly  refused  us  transit  visas  unless  we 
obtained  first  the  Polish  transit  visas.  The  Polish  Con^ 
sulate  played  the  same  game.  No  Russian  transit  visas  - 
no  Polish  ones.  We  ran  back  and  forth  and  our  time  got 
shorter  and  shorter.  Moreover,  if  some  one  at  the  Russian 
Consulate  would  have  recognized  me  as  a  former  anti-Commu» 
nist  column  writer,  we  would  have  real  trouble.  If  they 
granted  us  visas  nonetheless,  they  might  kidnap  me  in 
Russia.  Timothy  tried  to  calm  me  down  by  telling  me  that 
all  would  work  out  well.  But  what  did  he  know?  He  could 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  cnme  of  Itl 


-  73  - 


protect  me  from  getting  killed  and  that  was  all.  I  was 
wrong.  I  under-estimated  the  power  of  guardian  angels, 
^e  helf^^  the  other  in  real  emergency  cases.  Anyway, 
we  had  to  take  our  chances  and  before  the  day  was  over 
I  succeeded  in  persuading  the  Russian  Consul  to  let  us 
have  the  transit  visaswith  the  proviso  that  they  wouldn't 
be  valid  without  the  Polish  transit  visas.  When  the  Polish 
Consul  saw  the  Russian  transit  visas  he  relented  and 
stamped  his  country's  transit  visas  into  our  passports. 
That  was  all  we  could  manage  to  do  the  first  day  with= 
out  keeling  over  from  sheer  exhaustion.  We  went  home, 
slept  for  a  few  hours  and  then  finished  our  packing. 

The  next  morning  we  tramped  to  the  Japanese  Con= 
sulate  for  our  transit  visas  through  Manchuria.  But  there 
they  played  the  same  Russian  game.  The  Japanese  declared 
that  Manchuria  -  or  Manchukuo  as  they  called  it  -  was  a 
sovereign  state  despite  the  fact  that  Japanese  troops 
occupied  it.   Since  Manchuria  was  not  diplomatically 
represented  in  Germany  we  would  have  to  buy  our  transit 
visas  at  the  Siberian-Manchurian  border.  That  was  exactly 
what  we  didn't  like.  We  could  hardly  afford  to  spend  money 
on  any  visas  after  we  had  left  Germany.  Besides  we  didn't 
know  how  much  we  had  to  pay  for  them.  On  top  of  it  -  what 
would  happen  if  we  were  refused  the  transit  visas?  We  would 
be  stranded  for  good.  Who  would  come  to  our  rescue?  No  one ^ 


Please,  don't  worry ! Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  74  - 


-^ 


we  surmised.  However,  we  didn't  dare  to  think  about 
such  an  eventuality  if  we  wanted  to  keep  our  sanity 
in  tact.  As  it  was,  our  future  held  nothing  but  un- 
certainty . 

I  had  no  other  choice  but  to  rely  on  Timothy,  but 
he  began  to  act  strangely.  After  insisting  on  knowing 
what  was  eating  him,  he  explained  that  he  wasn's  so 
sure  if  he  would  get  any  celestial  permit  to  accompany 
us  through  godless  Russia.  Ever  since  the  Communists 
had  taken  over  there  only  very  few  guardian  angels  were 
stationed  in  that  country  and  these  had  to  undergo  special 
training  first.  I  simply  blew  my  top.  I  had  had  it.  I 
told  him  to  get  that  celestial  permit  or  else  we  would 
have  to  go  without  him.  If  anything  was  going  to  happen 
to  me,  he  would  have  that  on  his  conscience.  He  said 
that  he  had  not  much  of  a  conscience.  Never  had,  in  fact, 
but  the  possibility  that  he  might  be  punished  in  case  I 
met  with  disaster  without  him  was  another  matter.  He  was 
certain  that  he  would  be  penalized  for  neglecting  his 
duties  toward  me.  Anyway,  he  must  have  gotten  his  permit 
because  (le  never  mentConed  this  nonsense  again.  It's  my 
contention,  though,  that  he  invented  the  permit  story  be- 
cause he  disliked  nothing  more  than  traveling. 

At  the  last  moment  my  older  sister  hexed  a  second 

travel  companion  on  us  by  the  name  of  Schneider.  He,  too, 
had  no  money,  but  I  had  none  left  to  lend  him  any.  With 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  75  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  76  - 


the  help  of  my  sister  he  got  it  from  another  source.  As 
it  turned  out,  he  was  as  much  of  a  pain  in  the  neck  as 
Pfeiffer. 

During  the  last  hours  prior  to  our  departure  Annie 
grew  scared.  It  was  the  first  time  I  saw  her  crying. 
Suddenly  she  was  overwhelmed  by  the  idea  that  we  had  to 
tear  ourselves  loose  from  all  we  had  cherished.  She  was 
overwhelmed  by  the  idea  that  we  just  had  to  walk  out  of 
our  apartment,  leaving  everything  behind.  Our  thirteen 
suitcases  contained  only  the  bare  necessities.  We  faced 
an  unknown  future  as  refugees.  We  faced  a  country  that 
might  as  well  be  on  another  planet.  We  had  to  speak  in 
a  foreign  language.  The  whole  world,  as  she  had  known  it, 
seemed  to  collapse  around  her,  and  how  could  she  or  anyone 
accept  a  catastrophe  of  such  magnitude?  I  stilled  her 
tears  and  in  all  our  life  together  I  saw  her  crying  only 
once  more. 

I  myself  had  a  hard  time  to  put  up  a  brave  front  the 
very  moment  we  closed  the  door  of  our  apartment  behind  us. 
It  constituted  a  frightening  finality,  a  total  break  with 
the  past  which  never  could  be  bridged  again.  Then  already 
we  felt  like  fugitives  as  in  fact  we  were.  We  had  not  com=» 
mitted  any  crime  and  yet  we  were  fugitives.  We  had  to  flee 
from  a  country,  our  country,  where  humancAaws  had  been 

officially  abolished.  We  knew  that  not  the  entire  German 

of/ 
population  had  gone  Nazi  or  did  approve/IB^  iflBt  Hitler. 


Yet,  very  few  had  dared  to  rise  in  protest. 
As  in  all  national  crimes  the  foremost  guilt  belonged  to 
the  silent  majority.  Even  in  the  last  free  German  election 
in  March  of  1933  Adolf  Hitler  and  his  party  of  thugs  had 
not  pulled  more  than  forty-six  to  forty-seven  percent 
of  the  entire  vote  cast.  He  was  a  minority  leader.  To 
this  day  it  is  my  belief  that  the  hard-core  Nazis  could 
not  be  called  Germans  and  did  not  represent  the  majority 
of  Germans.  But  Hitler  had  seized  power  to  use  it  with  a 
brutality  that  frightened  the  people  into  submission.  Any= 
one  who  stood  in  his  way  was  eliminated  and  the  Jews  were 
the  principal  object  of  his  paranoiac  hatred.  It  was  the 
beginning  of  a  tragedy  that  would  engulf  the  whole  world. 

At  eleven  p.m.  on  October  18th,  1935,  we  boarded  the 
train  to  Berlin  where  we  had  to  change  to  another  one  that 
would  take  us  all  the  way  through  Poland  to  the  border  of 
Soviet-Russia,  ruled  by  another  mass-murderer  -  Joseph 
Vissarionovich  Stalin. 

Then  and  there  at  the  Hamburger  Hauptbahnhof  (main 

railway  station  in  Hamburg)  we  said  good-bye  to  my  family 

and  a  few  friends.  We  never  saw  anyone  (with  one  exception) 

of  them  again  and  in  our  hearts  we  knew  it.  It  was  a  tear* 

like  many  others/ 
ful  farewell  although  my  parents /SBitbelieve^c  hat 

not/ 
Hitler  could/last  longer  than  a  few  months  ■■01  or  at 

most  a  year.  They,  at  least,  didn't  feel  the  finality 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  77  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  78  - 


of  our  separation.  They  scoffed  at  my  conviction  that 
the  jj/azis  were  to  stay  for  at  least  a  dozen  years. 

None  of  us  took  much  notice  of  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider. 
They  had  no  one  to  see  them  off.  Besides,  Schneider,  wear- 
ing a  ridiculous  black  cut-away  suit,  looked  like  a  funeral 
director. 

At  no  time  Annie  faltered.  She  went  where  I  went. 
She  took  what  I  had  to  take  and  sometimes  more.  She 
stood  by  roe  as  I  stood  by  her.  She  is  a  great  gal  who 
could  take  it  and  still  can  as  she  has  proved  many  times 
over,  even  after  we  had  settled  in  America.  She  is  my 
life  and  I  am  hers.  We  were  and  still  are  a  team.  We 
thank  God  for  each  day  He  is  keeping  us  together. 


^ 


CHAPTER  FOUR 


FROM  WEST  TO  EAST 


Throughout  the  trip  from  Ham= 
burg  to  the  Polish  border  (with  a  short  stop-over  and 
change  of  trains  in  Berlin  where  some  good,  faithful 
and  courageous  gentile  friends  of  ours  bade  us  farewell, 
unmindful  of  the  danger  of  being  publicly  seen  convers* 
ing  with  a  Jew)  Annie  and  1  remained  sitting  in  our  com= 
partment  in  stolid  postures  most  of  the  time.  Now  and 
then  we  exchanged  a  few  meaningless  words  because  we 
had  a  sordid  feeling  of  mentally  dehydrating.  Pfeiffer 
or  Schneider  tried  to  talk  to  us  every  once  so  often, 
but  all  they  got  from  us  were  grunts  or  stony  silence. 
We  were  not  sure  if  they  understood  that  silence  was 
the  better  part  of  valor  as  long  as  we  were  still  in 
Nazi-Germany.  Nobody  else, of  course,  spoke  to  us.  To 
any  German  it  was  too  obvious  that  I  was  Jewish  -  as 
were  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider  -  although  I  could  have 
been  Spanish  or  Italian  or  South-American.  But  a  person 
with  black  hair  and  a  fairly  prominent  nose  aroused  sus* 
picion  in  Nazi-Germany.  We  were  pariahs  or  at  least  I 
felt  that  I  was  one.  How  quickly  one  could  acquire  an 
inferiority  complex.  Maybe,  the  idea  that  our  lives  de- 
pended on  making  it  across  the  border  affected  me  more 


tmm 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    iti 


-    79    - 


Please,    don't   worryl    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  80  - 


than  I  had  deemed  possible.  Although  many  thoughts  and 
emotions  revolved  In  our  minds,  we  would  not  have  dared 
to  express  any  of  them.  After  two  years  of  Nazy  tyranny 
It  had  already  come  to  the  point  where  we  would  not  trust 
anyone  but  our  most  intimate  friends  and  relatives.  In 
many  cases,  so  we  had  learned,  even  they  had  betrayed 
and  denounced  friends  and  relatives  for  no  other  reason 
but  to  Ingratiate  themselves  with  the  Nazi  authorities 
or  as  a  result  of  Inhuman  tortures.  Most  certainly  our 
nerves  were  on  edge  as  never  before.  We  were  unable  to 
sleep  o/L   doze  off  for  short  moments  of  relief.  We  could 
not  eat  a  bite.  Our  stomachs  had  closed  up  on  us .  I  at 
least  had  the  solace  of  smoking  cigarettes,  but  Annie 
had  never  smoked  before  and  didn't  do  so  now.  It  was 
Impossible  to  shed  our  apprehensions  that  somehow  some= 
where  on  the  way  the  Gestapo  would  still  catch  up  with 
us. How  could  we  succeed  In  slipping  away  unnoticed?  I 
was  on  their  list  as  an  enemy  of  the  state.  I  was  slated 
for  arrest  the  next  day  or  the  very  same  night  while  we 
were  about  to  cross  the  border.  It  would  be  a  miracle  If 
they  had  not  telegraphed  wanted  flyers  to  all  border 
stations.  I  tried  to  consult  with  Timothy,  but  he  also 
was  taciturn  and  didn't  offer  me  any  solace  as  to  what 
was  in  store  for  us.  He  wouldn't  commit  himself  one  way 
or  the  other. 


The  train  reached  the  German  border  station  a 
few  minutes  before  midnight  the  same  day  we  had  left 
Hamburg. We  knew  this  was  It.  Now  or  never.  We  pressed 
our  faces  against  the  window  to  watch  what  was  happen* 
Ing  on  the  platform  outside.  The  sight  was  not  very  en= 
couraglng.  Quite  a  number  of  people  were  taken  off  the 
train  by  SS  men  and  forcibly  led  away.  Would  it  happen 
to  us,  too?  These  few  minutes  of  waiting  for  whoever 
would  be  ^<amining  our  papers  and  baggage  seemed  to  be 
hours  of  infernal  agony.  We  were  so  close  to  freedom 
and  yet  might  be  very  far  away.  For  a  fleeting  second 
I  had  the  crazy  Idea  of  grabbing  Annie's  hand  and  run 
for  It  -  run  to  the  other  side  and  freedom.  It  was  sheer 
Insanity.  We  would  have  been  shot  In  the  back  or  captured 
before  we  got  out  of  the  station.  There  were  black-unl» 
formed  SS  men  and  Security  Police  every\^;here .  Luckily 
I  didn't  succumb  to  an  understandable  panic.  The  other 
side  was  still  quite  a  distance  away. 

Pfelffer  and  Schneider  were  dozing  unconcernedly. 

Goddamn  them!  They  were  two  companions  we  could  have 

never/ 
done  without.  In  all  my  life,  1  think,  1  had/felt  so 

terrorized  or  would  ever  again.  In  moments  when  I  was 

faced  with  real  danger  -  and  there  had  been  many  such 

moments  -  I  had  kept  cool.  It  was  not  In  my  nature  to 

lose  my  head  when  I  needYlt  most.  But  now  I  was  close 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing   came   of   It  I 


-  81    - 


Please,    don't   worry  1    Nothing   came   of    Itl 


-  82  - 


to  it.  Very  close.  Too  close  for  our  security.  My  heart 
was  beating  into  my  throat  and  looking  at  Annie  1  could 
see  In  her  eyes  that  she  would  not  have  survived  these 
few  minutes  without  my  presence.  Timothy  whispered  to  me, 


tiT  ( 


I  m  getting  bored,  riding  in  a  train."  I  could  have 
punched  his  nose  If  that  would  have  been  possible. 

At  last  they  appeared  at  our  compartment  door,  a 
man  In  mufti  who  looked  to  us  like  a  Gestapo  agent  (al= 
though  they  were  actually  not  distinguishable  from  other 
civilians)  and  an#  SS  man,  slick  and  arrogant  in  his 
form-fitting,  black  uniform.  We  had/to  conjure  up  all 
our  willpower  so  that  our  teeth  would  not  Chatter.  Ti= 
mothy  hissed  disdainfully,  "PfffftI"  to  let  me  know  not 
to  worry.  He  could  handle  them  with  ease. We  were  ordered 
to  open  each  and  every  one  of  our  thirteen  suitcases. 
Of  course,  we  took  them  down  from  the  overhead  rack  and 
opened  them.  A  strange  metamorphosis  came  over  Annie.  She 
suddenly  bathed  her  face  In  a  natural  smile.  It  was  so 
Incomprehensible  that  It  Irritated  me.  How  could  she 
smile  at  our  two  deadly  enemies?  She  was  a  wonderful 
actress  and  her  smile  was  Irreslstable.  She  knew  It  and 
she  used  It  as  a  defensive  weapon. 

I  on  the  contrary  was  prepared  to  resist  If  these 

two  tried  to  take  us  outside.  I  rather  would  be  killed 
^but/ 
/kHP  go  with  them.  Pfelffer  and  Schneider  just  remained 


seated,  waiting  for  their  turn  while  our  suitcases  were 
curslly  examined.  They  were  too  stupid  to  be  afraid. 

Annie  continued  smiling  as  If  it  all  was  a  friendly 
game.  The  Gestapo  agent  took  our  passports,  paged  through 
them  and  said,  "Quite  a  trip  you're  taking." 

"Yes,  It  certainly  Is  quite  a  trip,"  Annie  responded 
without  as  much  as  a  tremor  In  her  voice.  I  think,  she 
could  have  broken  Into  a  song  (she  liked  to  sing  at  any 
time)  and  the  two  men  might  have  joined  her.  Who  could 
tell?  The  atmosphere  had  become  so  relaxed  that  It  would 
not  have  surprised  me.  The  Gestapo  agent  returned  the 
passports  and  then  Inquired  how  much  money  we  had  on  us. 
I  showed  him  the  forty  American  dollars  which  he  dutl= 
fully  counted  before  he  gave  them  back  to  me. 

"Xs  that  all?"  he  asked. 

Stupidly  honest  as  I  usually  am,  1  took  one  Mark  and 
sixty-five  Pfennlge  from  my  pocket.  I  didn't  think  they 
would  have  any  objection  to  this  small  amount  In  excess 
of  the  twenty  dollars  permitted  per  person.  They  had  not. 
The  SS  man  took  the  cash  and  pocketed  It  without  a  word 
of  explanation.  There  Is  nothing  more  despicable  than 
petty  thieves.  After  looking  at  Schneider's  and  Pfelffer' s 
one  suitcase  each,  their  money  as  well  as  t  h?lr  passports 
they  departed  for  the  next  compartment.  The  Gestapo  agent 
threw  one  last  smiling  look  back  at  Annie.  I  could  have 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    iti 


-  83  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-  84  - 


murdered  him  for  it.  My  sense  of  humor  must  have  gone 
awry  at  this  moment,  I  guess. 

But  then  -  oh,  my  God  -  then  I  took  a  deep  breath 

Joyful/ 
and  exhaled  it  with  the  most  (feeling  of  happiness  any 

one  can  eter  experience.  Annie  had  slumped  down  into 

her  corner  seat  at  the  window.  Pearls  of  sweat  appeared 

on  her  forehead.  Her  smile  must  have  cost  her  dearly. 

"That  was  quite  a  performance/' I  praised  her  and 

would  have  liked  to  put  my  arras  around  her  and  kiss  her. 

"I  almost  died,"  she  whispered.  "I  almost  died." 

I  could  well  understand  it.  But  it  was  over  now. 

These  two  were  the  last  Nazis  we  were  to  encounter  - 

so  I  thought.  I  was  wrong.  We  met  more  of  them  in  Shang= 

hai  and  on  our  voyage  from  ■■  East  to  Mi  West.  We  met 

them,  clad  in  brown  uniforms,  marching  on  the  yard  of 

the  German  school  which  happened  to  be  almost  across 

from  the  house  where  we  had  rented  a  room  in  Shanghai. 

Many  times  we  heard  them  singing  the  Nazi  national  anthem 

Song" 
"The  Horst  Wessel^:  "When  Jewish  blood  flows  from  our 

knives ." 


Have  you  ever  been  aware  that  a  dream 
was  nothing  but  a  dream  while  you  were  asleep?  If  the 
dream  was  a  nightmare  could  you  then  compel  your  sub* 
conscious  mind  to  make  you  wake  up  and  liberate  you 


from  this  nightmare?  I  have  had  this  weird  experience  quite 

often. 

When  at  last  our  train  rolled  out  of  the  German 

border  station,  after  the  German  crew  had  been  replaced 

by  a  Polish  one,  and  slowly  traversed  the  no-man's  land 

between  the  two  borders,  I  felt  that  I  was  awakening  from 

a  torturous  nightmare  I  had  willed  to  end.  Annie  and  I, 

holding  hands,  sat  side  by  side.  No  words  were  necessary 

to  express  our  gratitude  to  God  and  our  happiness  for 

being  now  out  of  reach  of  the  Gestapo.  In  these  few 

a  thought/ 
moments  we  did  not  even  waste /about  what  was  laying 

ahead,  the  danger  of  traveling  through  the  Soviet  Union 
against  which  I  had  as  much  agitated  as  against  Nazi- 
Germany,  or  of  the  total  insecurity  which  was  the  lot 
of  penniless  refugees.  We  just  held  hands  and  let  the 
immense  wave  of  relief  wash  over  us  like  a  cleansing 
detergent  after  the  filth  in  which  we  had  to  wallow. 

For  the  first  time  in  twenty-four  hours  I  closed  ray 

as/ 
eyes,  and/T~did  so  a  strange  idea  invaded  my  mind. 


1 1 


Now  I  am  Ahasuerus,  the  wandering  Jew,"  I  said 


loud  enough  for  Annie  to  hear.  "Now  I  am  that  legendary 
poor  Jewish  cobbler  who  was  doomed  to  live  a  wandering 
life  until  the  day  of  judgment." 

I  did  not  open  my  eyes  and  yet  could  feel  that  Annie 
was  looking  at  me. 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    itl 


-  85  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  86  - 


"No,"  she  said,  "you  are  not." 

"And  why  not?"  I  asked.  "Do  we  know  if  and  when  our 
wandering  will  come  to  an  end?" 

"The'/ls  no  beginning  without  an  end,"  she  explained. 

"How  do  you  know?" 

"I  just  know." 

I  wanted  to  remind  her  that  eternity  has  no  end,  but 
I  let  it  go.  The  crazy  idea  that  I  was  reduced  to  being 
Ahasuerus,  the  poor  Jew,  destined  to  wander  and  wander 
forever,  hit  me  so  deeply  and  suddenly  that  I  withdrew 
into  my  own  soul  and  began  to  meditate  about  the  mean= 
ing  of  life.  As  never  before  I  felt  the  heavy  burden 
that  every  one  had  to  live  his  own  life  and  die  his  own 
death  whenever  that  will  be.  Your  life,  the  way  you  con= 
duct  yourself,  the  way  you  act  and  talk  may  make  a  few 
waves  which  may  be  felt  by  a  few  others.  Your  deeds  and 
words  may  influence  some  of  your  friends  or  foes,  but 
if  it  comes  down  to  the  basic  truth,  you  alone  own  your 
life  and  you  alone  die  your  death.  Therefore  one  should 
never  feel  that  one's  life  or  one's  death  is  of  any  im= 
portance.  It  is  nothing  more  than  a  fraction  of  a  micro 
dot  in  the  annals  of  human  history.  Each  one  of  us  is 
only  a  single  issue  of  humanity,  one  among  billions  of 
others.  A  few  may  permanently  leave  imprints  in  the  sands 
of  eternity,  but  they  can  be  easily  counted.  You  live  and 


you  die  and  that  is  all  there  is  to  your  existence 


on 


this  planet.  In  between  you  try  to  pursue  happiness  and 
if  you  are  born  under  a  good  omen  you  may  find  it.  You 
may  conquer  ignorance.  You  may  be  able  to  reduce  your 
prejudices  and  hatreds,  for  they,  too,  have  little  mean- 
ing. You  live  and  contribute  your  infinitely  diminutive 
share,  good  or  bad,  to  the  welfare  or  misery  of  mankind. 
But  you  do  not  count  so  much  that  all  life  will  stop  with 

yours.  If  you  keep  all  this  in  mind  while  you  live,  then 

y^        so/ 
you  cannot  possibly  take  all  the  ti^vialities/seriously 

that  you  allow  them  to  bother  you.  You  will  not  anymore 

be  disturbed  by  a  speck  of  dust  on  a  piece  of  furniture 

because  in  the  end  you  yourself  will  be  only  a  speck  of 

dust  in  all  eternity. 

It  is  written  in  the  bible  (Job  5:7):  "Man  is  bom 

unto  trouble,  as  the  sparks  fly  upwards." 


I  woke  up  from  my  day-dreaming  and  opened 
my  eyes.  Annie  must  have  watched  me.  The  moment  I  looked 
at  her  she  smiled.  That  beautiful  smile  on  her  pixy  face 
never  failed  to  enhance  me.  But  then  I  remembered. 

"How  did  you  ever  manage  to  smile  at  these  two  Nazis?" 
I  asked  her. 

"I  didn't  smile  at  them,"  she  said,  shaking  her  head. 
"I  smiled  because  the  thought  occurred  to  me  that  we  were 


Please,   don't   worry  I   Nothing  came  of    It  I 


-  87  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-   88    - 


leaving  Nazi-Germany  while    they    had    to  stay  behind.    You 
know,    I   could    foresee    the   day  when    they' 11   envy  us    if 
they're   still    alive   then.    I    thought,    the    day    surely  will 
come  when    they  will   consider  us    the    lucky   ones."    For  a 
moment   she   stopped,    then  she   continued   in   a  manner   as 
if   she  could    see    into    the    future.    One   day,    though,    Ger* 
many  will   be   Germany  again,    but    1  don't    think    that   we'll 


ever   return. 


ti 


Sometimes    it   was   hard    to  figure   her   out.     It  never 
bothered   her   to  make   predictions    and    the    damned   thing 
about    them  was    they   proved    to  be   right  more  often    than 

not.    She   even   had    and   has   dreams    that  came  and   come   true. 

Some    time/ 
/B  Ml  4B|Hi   before  we    knew   that  we    had    to  escape    from 

war-torn   Shanghai    she   dreamt  of    a  big,    red  ship,    lying 
anchored    in  a   harbor.    She   didn't   know  where   that   harbor 
was,    but   she   could   describe    it    as  well  as    the    red    ship 
in   some  detail.    When  several  weeks    later    the   boat,    on 
which  we  were    traveling,    sailed    into    the    harbor  of    Kobe 
in  Japan,    there   it   was    as    she  had  seen   it    in   her  dream, 
and   at    the   outer  edge  was    the  big,    red  ship  which   ap= 
parently   had  been   converted    into   a  kind   of   lighthouse. 
It  was   uncanny. 

I   could   enumerate    many    such   occur;cnces,    but    the   one 
which    impressed  me   most   happened  many  years   later.    By    then 
we  were   so  closely   attached   to   each    other  that  our  brain 


waves   often   transmitted    thoughts   or   even   dreams    from  one 
to    the   other.    One   nightl   had  been  dreaming   that    I   was    in 
a    ladies    clothing   shop    and    saw  a  brown   polka-dot   dress 
which   I    liked.    I    didn't    look   at    the    size    or   ask    the 
sales    lady    about    it.    I   just   bought    it    (something    I   never 
would   have    done   being   awake)    and    took   it   home    to   Annie    as 
a   present.    Just    then    I   woke   up   and    so  did  Annie.    Still 
half   asleep,    she    said,    "You   know,    that  brown    polka-dot 
dress    is    pretty.    I    like    it,    but    it's   just   like   a  man  not 
to    think   if    it's   my   size   or  not." 

That  was    so    extremely    funny    that   I    laughed    loudly. 

"What's    the   matter?"    she   asked. 

I    told  her  about  my   dream. 

Now   fully   awake,    she   began    to    giggle.    "Funny,    isn't 
it?"    she    told  me.    "Just   before    I  woke   up   you    gave/me    this 


dress    in  my   dream. 


ft 


Please,  don't  shake  your  head  or  shrug  your  shoulders. 
It's  true  and  you  explain  it  if  you  can.  I  certainly  never 
could  rationalize  her  strange,  mental  escapades. 


Well,  we  had  closed  our  suitcases  and  stored 
them  again  in  the  rack  above  us  after  the  Nazis  had  left 
our  compartment.  Luckily  the  Polish  customs  inspectors  were 
not  interested  in  them  since  we  were  traveling  in  transit. 
We  showd  our  passports  at  the  Polish  border  station  and 


immmmmmi0)mmmm»ii(it>imim 


'„  .1  •...  uliM  \^:iki  :m.  a  L^^1^V  ,  iiiV,; 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-   89   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    iti 


-  90  - 


nothing  untoward  happened  during  the  twenty  hours  we 
yere  traversing  across  Poland.  Pfeiffcr  and  Schneider  <: 
were  d4^gusted  with  us  because  we  didn't  play  cards 
and  strictly  ignored  us  while  they  were  engaged  in  some 
kind  of  card  game  I  hadn't  even  heard  of.  Timothy  was 

around,  but  kept  silent  most  of  the  time  after  having 

once  again/ 
/made  it  known  to  me  that  he  disliked  traveling  more  than 

anything  else.  We  wished,  we  could  have  interrupted  our 

trip  in  Warsaw  for  a  day  or  two  to  go  sightseeing.  But 

we  weren't  tourists  to  see  the  world.  We  were  just 

people  in  transit  like  so  much  merchandise.  To  us 

Warsaw  was  just  a  large,  bustling  railway  station. 

Again  it  was  night  when  we  reached  Negoreloje 
at  the  Russian  border.  We  had  to  carry  our  thirteen 
suitcases  to  the  Russian  customs  building.  Neither 
Pfeiffer  nor  Schneider  gave  us  a  hand,  and  I  felt  I 
would  be  damned  to  ask  them.  We  had  left  so  much  behind 
in  Germany,  why  the  heck  hadn't  we  left  all?  Thirteen 
suitcases  were  too  much  for  two  people.  Yet,  we  stuck 
to  them  until  we  got  to  Shanghai.  They  contained  all 
we  owned  in  the  world. 

While  we  were  waiting  in  the  square,  brightly  lighted 
Russian  customs  budding  (outside  the  night  was  pitch  dark) 
with  our  suitcases  spread  out  on  the  quadrangle  table  to 
be  inspected,  it  suddenly  occurred  to  me  that  I  must  be 


out  of  my  mind.  We  had  just  escaped  by  the  scrape  of  our 
necks  from  a  country,  dominated  by  gangsters,  to  enter 
another  country,  dominated  by  another  set  of  gangsters. 
Prior  to  1933  1  had  written  a  weekly  newspaper  column, 
directed  against  the  Nazis  and  the  Communists.  To  me 
NaJ'.ism  and  Communism  were  and  still  are  brothers- in- 
arms. Fascists  and  Communists  have  basically  the  same 
aims,  to  replace  democracy  with  dictatorship,  suppress 
all  indivudal  and  civil  liberties  and  convert  the  world 
into  a  spiritual  graveyard. 

Standing  in  that  Russian  customs  h^ll,  I  remembered 
the  many  threats  I  had  received  from  Communists.  They 
had  sworn  (as  had  the  Nazis)  to  get  me  one  of  these 
days.  Maybe  now  they  had  their  chance  while  we  were 
traveling  through  the  Soviet  Union.  Maybe  some  one  in 
the  Russian  Secret  Police  remembered  my  name,  or  maybe 
they  had  even  a  dossier  on  me.  Who  could  tell?  As  a 
refugee  1  was  an  easy  target.  I  had  no  protection.  No 
one  would  ever  care  if  I  disappeared  in  the  vastness  of 
Russia.  Where  the  Gestapo  had  failed,  the  Russian  counter= 
part  might  succeed.  Actually,  the  danger  of  ending  up  in 
a  Russian  slave-  labor  camp  instead  of  a  Nazi  concent^daion 
camp  was  a  possibility.  No  writ  of  habeas  corpus  for  us. 
No  justice  of  any  kind  for  some  one  like  me.  I  had  no 
business  to  enter  the  Soviet  Union,  but  not  to  do  so  was 


Please,    don't  worry.'    Nothing  came  of   it! 


-  91  - 


beyond  ray  power.  We  were  at  the  point  of  no  return.  Ti- 
mothy was  disgusted  with  me  that  I  even  could  harbor  such 
morbid  thoughts.  If  1  was  caught  and  sent  to  a  labor-camp, 
he  had  to  accompany  me.  nolens  volcns.  He  couldn't  do  any= 
thing  about  it.  but  he  had  orders  to  keep  me  alive.  Yet, 
grudgingly  he  had  to  agree  that  we  weren't  safe  until  the 
moment  we  had  crossed  the  Russian  border  into  Manchuria. 

I  looked  around.  In  large  letters  and  in  several 
languages  the  words:  "WORKERS  OF  THE  WORLD  UNITE"  were 
painted  on  all  four  walls.  In  contrast  to  the  labor  unions 
in  capitalistic  countries  those  in  Soviet  Russia  as  well 
as  in  Nazi-Germany  were  absolutely  powerless.  They  did 
not  have  the  right  to  bargain  for  better  wages  or  any 
other  benefits.  They  were  not  allowed  to  go  on  strike,  r 
No  employee  or  working  man  could  quit  a  job  on  his  own 
volition.  They  had  no  rights  whatsoever  and  still  have 
none.  Why  then  should  the  workers  of  the  world  even  con= 
sider  to  unite  with  the  ones  in  Russia  and  thus  losejtheir 
hard  fought- for  bargai^ning  power?  There  was  then  and 
still  is  no  more  imperialistic  country  than  the  Soviet 
Union.  The  State  was  and  is  the  only  boss  and  the  State 
was  and  still  is  almighty. 

Actually  the  Communist  Manifesto  by  Karl  Marx  ends 
with  these  words:  "The  workers  have  nothing  to  lose  but 
their  chains.  They  have  a  world  to  win.  Workers  of  all 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothinp,  came  of  it! 


-  92  - 


lands   untite 


I II 


Under  the  feudalist Ic  Communistic  dictatorship  the 
working  class  had  not  lost  their  chains.  They  had  gained 
more  tha'^;  they  had  had  before. 

Already  in  this  cement-walled,  absolutely  unadorned 
and  square,  high-ceil inged  customs  building,  which  seemed 
to  stand  in  the  midst  of  nowhere,. one  had  the  depressed 
feeling  of  entering  a  prison  There  was  no  friendly  smile 
to  wjelcome  us   On  the  contrary  we  were  treated  with  a 
robot-like  correctness  -  cold  and  impersonal   The  un« 
spoken  attitude  of  the  customs  officials  clearly  conveyed 
to  us  that  we  were  just  being  suffered  like  enemy  invaders 

At  last  a  plump  female  inspector  searched  through  our 
baggage  like  a  vulture  picking  dead  bodies  apart.  Not  a 
word.  Not  a  single  question.  Not  even  a  glance  at  us.  When 
she  was  through,  she  silently  waited  until  we  had  stowed 
everything  back  into  our  suitcases  and  then  sealed  them 
except  three  which  contained  only  pajamas,  underwear,  a 
few  shirts  and  blouses  as  well  as  the  one  with  our  food 
cans.  As  travelers  in  transit  throughout  the  long  trip 
across  Russia  we  weren't  permitted  to  open  the  rest  of 
our  luggage.  Finally  we  had  to  show  and  declare  in 
writing  the  exact  amount  of  money  we  had  on  us.  Upon 
leaving  the  country  at  the  Manchurian  border  station  we 
would  have  to  account  for  each  cent  we  might  have  spent 
while  being  in  Russia. 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing   came   of    Itl 


-  93  - 


I  do  not  know  how  a  trans-Siberian  Express  trip 

through  Russia  affects  a  foreign  traveler  now,  but  at 

the  time,  when  Stalin  was  riding  high,  it  was  lndescrib= 

ably  lugubrious.  Then  as  well  as  now  the  country  had  a 

and/ 
drinking  problem  which  somehow  provcd/jjl  still  proves 

A- 

that  the  peopp  were  and  are  seeking  escape  from  the 

oppressive  Communist  establishment.  There  is  a  Russian 
nursery  rhyme  which  expresses  it  well: 

Chizik  pizik,  gdye  ti  bil? 

Na  fontenye  vidka  peel. 

(Little  birdie,  where  do  you  go? 

To  the  fountain  drinking  vodka) . 


It  is  a  bad  habit  of  mine  to  get  sometimes 


ahead  of  my  story,  and  I  hope  you'll  forgive  me  if  I 


now 


relate  an  incident  which  happened  shortly  after  we  had 
departed  from  Moscow.  One  evening  a  Russian  lady  joined 
us  in  our  compartment.  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider  were  absent. 
The  trans-Siberian  Express  had  no  special  sleeping  cars. 
In  the  second  class  men  and  women,  whether  they  knew  one 
another  or  not,  had  to  stay  and  sleep  together  in  the 
four  bunks  compartment^.  That ' s  how  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider 
were  our  companions  in  the  same  compartment  throughout  the 
ten  day  trip  through  Russia.  Luckily  for  us  they  had  be- 
friended a  Dutchman  who  had  a  stateroom  o^  his  own  in  the 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  94  - 


O 


first  class  part  of  the  train.  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider, 
being  natural  f ree- loaders ,  were  only  too  happy  to  share 
many  bottles  of  booze  with  this  man. 

Anyway,  we  were  alone  when  this  lady  came  to  see  us. 
We  had  met  her  the  day  before  in  the  dining  car  and  since 
she  spoke  German  we  were  attracted  to  one  another.  Furtively 
she  closed  the  door  behind  her  and  sat  down.  She  was  in 
such  a  depressive  state  of  mind  that  she  had  to  unburden 
her  heart  to  someone  in  order  to  keep  her  sanity  under 
control.  For  reasons  we  couldn't  fathom  she  had  chosen 
us.  She  must  have  felt  she  could  trust  us  not  to  betray 
her.  Her  story  was  a  sad  and  unique  one,  almost  unbeliev" 
able  to  people  in  free,  civilized  countries.  She  as  well 
as  her  husband  were  physicians.  They  and  their  two  little 
children  lived  in  Moscow  where  they  had  the  privilege  of 
having  a  small  apartment  of  their  own.  Few  people  were 
so  fortunate  unless  they  belonged  to  the  high  government 
class.  The  so-called  classless  society  was  and  still  is 
a  myth.  As  a  reputed  pediatrician  she  had  received  govern- 
ment  orders  to  proceed  to  some  place  in  Outer  Mongolia  to 
take  charge  of  a  new  children's  hospital.  She  had  no  right 
to  refuse  and  had  to  go  whether  she  wanted  or  not.  She  was 
compelled  to  leave  her  family  without  having  been  assured 
when  or  if  ever  she  would  see  them  again.  Her  contract 
read  for  a  five  year  stay  in  Mongolia,  but  her  fear  was 


-.«s;=ri~-"  r—.  nl»-T.-.-=S_- 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   iti 


-    95  - 


that   she  might   not   be   relieved  at   all    in  case   she  did  a 

good  job   there.    How   in   the  name   of  Hippocrates    could   she 

do   a  bad  job  when   the   lives   of   little   children   were    in 

her  hands?   Long    tears    ran  down  her  cheeks   while    she   was 

whispering   this    story    in  German   to  us,    still  afraid    that 

eavesdrop/ 
someone  might/SHHTTv  despite    the  closed   door.    That, 


she   said,    was    Soviet   Russia,    the   paradise   on  earth. 
Russia,    the   so-called   democratic    republic.    As    she   left 
us,    she  begged  us   to   say   a  prayer   for   her   and   her  family 
Prayers,    too,    were    forbidden    in   Stalin's   Russia. 


Well,    we've   got   to   return   to   the   customs 
building   in  Negoreloje,    whether  we   like   it   or   not,    be= 

cause    I   suddenly   discovered    that   Annie  had  disappeared 
from  my   side  while    I   was   busy  with   that  obese,    sag-chested 
female   customs    inspector.    The  one    trouble   with   Annie  was 
that   she   could   disappear   from  one   second   to   the   next.    At 
one  moment   she  was    standing   at  my   side,    at    the   next    she 
wasn't   anymore.    She   can   do   that    trick   anywhere,    even   in 
a   supermarket.    This   was   certainly  not    the    time    for    sepa= 
ration.    She  had   a  habit   of   saying   the   wrong  things    at   the 
wrong   time,    which  was   as   dangerous    in   Stalin's    Russia   as 
it   had  been   in   Nazi-Germany.    Sometimes    it    proved   to  be 
downright  nerve-racking   and    this   certainly  was    such  an 
occasion.    I   shouted   her  name   again  and  again   and  nevermind 


Please,    don*t  worry!    Nothing  came   of    itI 


-  96  - 


what  the  other  people  including  the  Russian  officials  were 
thinking.  I  was  side-tracked  by  the  inspector  who  requested 
that  I  sign  still  another  one  of  these  never  ending  forms 
of  Russian  bureaucracy.  When  1  looked  up  again,  there  was 
Annie,  her  face  expressing  the  innocence  of  a  babe  in  the 
woods.  I  warned  her  that  I  would  put  her  on  a  leash  if 
she  would  do  that  again  during  our  trip  to  Shanghai.  How=» 
ever,  she  had  a  valid  excuse  this  time.  Thinking  about 
having  to  lug  our  suitcases  out  of  the  customs  building 
to  wherever  the  trans-Siberian  Express  train  was  located 
and  with  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider  being  impervious  to  our 
plight,  she  had  gone  in  search  for  some  one  to  give  us  a 
helping  hand.  And,  lo  and  behold,  she  had  found  a  single 
young  man  to  whom  she  had  appealed  and  who  could  not  re=* 


sist.  Very  few  people  ever  could 
"Poor  Orphan  Annie". 


when  she  played 


The  young  man  had  come  along  with  her.  He  was  carry= 
ing  only  a  small  overnight  case  as  if  he  were  on  a  short 
pleasure  trip. 

"This  is  Karl  Holz,"  Annie  told  me  with  her  angelic 
smile.  "He  was  born  in  Shanghai  and  his  parents  are  still 
living  there  and  he  had  promised  to  help  us  witl\Dur  baggage." 

Karl  shook  hands  with  me,  but  I  was  too  cautious  to 
ask  Annie  how  she  had  managed  to  learn  so  much  about  him 
in  so  short  a  time.  He  was  a  good-looking  young  man  with 


■UMtHMMMImMMiM 


Please,   don't  worry!   Nothing  came  of   It! 


-    97   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   oC   Itl 


-  98  - 


light  brown  hair  and  very  blue  eyes. 

"Glad  to  meet  you,"  he  said  in  German.  "I've  been 
visiting  in  Germany  for  some  months  and  an,  on  my  way  back 
home.  The  Nazis  got  on  my  nerves." 

"Do  you  always  travel  so  light?"  I  asked  him,  point= 
ing  to  the  small  overnight  case. 

"Sure."  he  answered  smilingly.  "I've  experience.  This 
Is  my  fifth  trip." 

Annie  with  her  little,  uptilted  nose  had  sniffed  him 
out  among  the  hundreds  of  passengers  as  the  one  who  most 
likely  would  agree  to  help  us.  And  so  he  did.  He  was  a 
no-Nazi  German,  the  offspring  of  German  parents  living 
abroad.  To  us  he  turned  out  to  be  a  Godsend  in  more  ways 
than  one.  Even  Timothy,  who  on  general  principles  was 
inimical  to  other  people,  approved  of  him. 

When  we  were  through  with  the  customs  and  passport 
inspection.  Karl  took  charge  of  us.  For  the  thr^e  of  us 
our  thirteen  suitcases  were  not  much  of  a  problem.  We 
followed  him  in  the  dark  of  the  night  (it  seemed  as  if 
electrification  was  non-existent  outside  the  customs 
building)  to  the  trans-Siberian  Express  train  with  its 
two  smoke-belching  engines  and  long  row  of  cars.  When  we 
found  our  car  and  compartment,  our  two  rogues,  Schneider 
and  Pfeiffer,  had  already  settled  down  at  one  side  of  it. 
Holz's  compartment  was  in  the  adjoining  car.  After  helping 
us  with  stowing  away  our  cases,  he  left  us.  Daring  the  long 


• 


# 


t 


trip    the   three   of  us    bec«iine  very   good    friends. 

At    last    the    cumbersome   train    started   to  move   on 

the  wide   Russian    railway    tracks.    We  were  actually   enters 

ing   the    Soyuz  Sovetskikh    Sotsialistischkikh    Republics, 

the   Union   of   Soviet    Socialist    Republics.    However,    with 

the   exception  of   Moscow  we   saw   the   vast    land   and   numerous 

in  which/ 
cities    only    through    the   windows  of    the    train^/MH  IpM 

for   ten    days./ 
^mi  we  were  confined ^M   ^^    iBiflMi    t^very  once    in  a 

while  we  could    stretch  our   legs    for   several    minutes 
at   small   stations  where    the  engines    took  on   a  new  supply 
of  water  and  coal.    Some   of   the  names  of   the   bigger  cities, 
where  we  halted    for    a  period   of  no   more    than  a   quarter  of 
an   hour  between   Moscow  and  Manchuli   at    the   Manchurian 
border,    have   remained   infmemory,    names    like    Perm, 
Sverdlovsk    (the    former  Ekaterinburg  where   Czar  Nicholas    II. 
and  his    family   were    shot    to  death    in   1918),    Omsk,    Tomsk, 
Novosibirsk,    Tschita.    We    crossed    the   Ural   mountains    at 
night   which    to   me  was   a   great   disappointment. 

As    the    train   slowly   huffed  and  puffed    away    from  Nego- 
reloje    Timothy    sighed  deeply.    "God   Almighty,"   he   complained, 
"1   wished  He   would   allow  me   to    swear  once    in   a  while.    I'm 
a   poor   guardian    angel,    I    know,    but    this    should   not   happen 
to   a  dog." 

"You'll   survive   even  godless    Russia,"    I    tried    to 
appease  him. 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-   99    - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    it  I 


-  100  - 


^ 


"Of  course.  I'll  survive,"  he  hissed  at  me.  "But 
the  burden  isn't  easy  to  bear.  Guardian  angels  don't 
die,  they  only  fade  away." 

I  could  not  help;t  but  laugh  outright  at  him.  "Like 
old  soldiers?"  I  asked. 

"Like  over- tired,  over-worked,  underpaid  guardian 
angels,"  he  rebuked  me. 

"Boy  -  do  I  feel  sorry  for  you." 

"^an  imagine,"  he  grunted. 

End  of  our  conversation.  He  faded  away.  Annie  and  I 
prepared  ourselves  for  a  few  hours  of  sleep.  Our  two 
bunks,  one  above  the  other,  were  made  up  for  the  night. 
During  the  day  the  upper  bunk  was  tilted  up  and  hooked 
to  the  wall  and  the  lower  one  became  our  seats.  While  I 
undressed  in  the  compartment  (Pfeiffer  and  Schneider  did 
the  same),  Annie  naturally  preferred  to  undress  or  dress 
in  the  so-called  washroom  at  the  end  of  the  car. 


Please,  allow  me  to  digress  once  again  to 
tell  you  the  "dirty-smelling"  story  of  our  sixteen  day 
trip  to  Shanghai  without  the  opportunity  of  taking  a 
bath  once  and  not  much  chance  to  was^even  properly.  It 


was  a  conspiracy  of  sinister  forces  beyond  our  and  Ti 


mo- 


thy's  control.  Regrettably,  guardian  angels  are  not 


ma' 


glcians.    Each   second-class   car  of   the   trans-Siberian  Ex 


press 


had  but  a  single,  very  narrow  washroom  with  warm  water 
available  only  in  the  early  morning  hours.  Armed  with 
a  towel,  slung  over  one's  shoulder,  a  cake  of  soap,  a 
toothbrush  and  tooth  paste  as  well  as  a  glass  one  had 
to  wait  in  line  for  a  few  minutes  stay  in  that  god- 
forsaken little  room.  No  one  dared  to  take  more  than 
five  minutes  because  generally  the  warm  water  did  not 
last  long.  I  most  often  did  my  shaving  with  cold  water 
later  in  the  day. 

Well,  if  you  like  adventure,  try  to  wash  and  shave 
in  a  wildly  swaying  train.  And  don't  make  a  mistake,  the 
trans-Siberian  Express  (a  misrepresentation  if  there  ever 
was  one.  I  doubt  that  at  any  time  it  went  faster  than 
thirty  to  thirty-five  miles  an  hour)  was  swaying  like 
a  camel  in  the  desert.  The  washroom  contained  a  shallow 
wash  basin  with  one  faucet  and  nothing  else  aside  from 
the  toilet.  With  each  sway  the  water  splashed  over  and 
if  you  didn't  watch  out  the  cake  of  soap  slithered  to 
the  floor  from  where  it  was  hard  to  retrieve.  I  never 
was  able  to  shave  properly  and  without  cutting  myself. 
Neither  did  we  ever  succeed  in  getting  decently  washed. 

For  ten  long  days  we  fought  a  desperate  battle  with 
the  wash  basin,  losing  each  and  every  one  of  them.  Soon 
Annie  sadly  admitted   (and  Timothy  had  to  add  his  two 
bits  by  agreeing)  that  we  didn't  smell  like  roses, to 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   iti 


-  101  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  102  - 


express  it  mildly.  Yet.  the  trans-Siberian  Express  offered 
at  least  some  washing  facilities  although  they  were  quite 
Inadequate.  The  trains  from  Manchuli  to  Harbin  and  from 
Harbin  to  Hsingking  had  none  at  all,  or  if  they  had  we 
didn't  discover  them.  The  supply  of  water  in  the  express 
train  between  Hsingking  and  Dairen  was  so  limited  that  we 
almost  could  count  the  drops  which  trickled  from  the  faucet 
when  we  turned  it  on.  Butwhat  happened  at  the  hotel 


m 


Dairen  as  well  as  on  the  Japanese  steamer  from  Dairen 
to  Shanghai  was  -  to  coin  a  phrase  -  a  total  wash-out. 
By  the  time  we  arrived  in  Shanghai  we  were  dirtier  than 
pigs  after  wallowing  in  mud.  We  must  have  snielled  to  high 
heaven  although  we  ourselves  couldn't  tell  anymore.  I've 
read  somewhere  that  in  her  days  the  17th  century  courte= 
san  Ninon  de  Lanclos  was  ridiculed  for  insisting  on  tak= 
Ing  a  bath  each  day  instead  of  using  perfumes  as  a  sub= 
stitute  for  soap  and  water.  We  had  forgotten  to  take  a 
bottle  of  eaU-de-cologne  along  and  didn't  dare  to  spend 
the  money  for  buying  one  in  Dairen  if  one  could  have  been 
gotten  there.  All  the  while  Timothy  found  this  state  of 
affairs  quite  amusing.  His  cleanliness  didn't  depend  on 
water,  but  I  noticed  that  he  kept  his  distance  from  us 
as  much  as  he  could. 

I  was  reminded  of  our  childhood  when  we  lived  in  a 
coldwater  flat  in.-'the  St.Pauli  district  of  Hamburg,  one 


of  the  poorer  neighborhoods.  We  had  to  wash  every  day, 
of  course,  and  we  could  make  a  good  job  of  it  in  the 
summer.  During  the  ice-cold  winter  days,  however,  we 
just  went  trough  the  motions.  Quite  often  a  thin  film 
of  ice  had  formed  on  the  water  in  the  basins.  Twice  a 
month,  though,  our  mother  took  us  children  to  a  near-by 
public  bath  house  where  for  twenty  Pfennige  we  could  rent 
a  wooc^J^n  tub  with  hot  water.  We  all  made  use  of  it,  one 
after  the  other.  My  older  sister  first,  then  I,  then  my 
younger  sister  and  finally  my  mother.  Of  course,  we  had 
to  take  green  soap,  towels  and  a  scrub  brush  with  us. 
My  father  (at  that  time  a  father  was  still  the  privileged 
member  of  the  family)  went  once  a  week  and  had  a  tub  all 
by  himself.  The  entire  procedure  was  nothing  out  of  the 
ordinary.  To  go  back  only  two  centuries^ too  much  bathing 
or  use  of  water  was  considered  unhealthy  to  the  human 
body. The  wealthy  doused  themselves  with  plenty  of  perfume 
and  the  poor  -  pardon  the  expression  -  just  stank.  I  guess  , 
if  everybody  stinks,  nobody  really  notices  it. 

In  later  years,  when  my  father's  fortune  took  a  turn 
for  the  better,  we  moved  into  an  apartment  which  had  steam-- 
heat and  cold  as  well  as  hot  water.  We  were  able  to  take 
a  bath  whenever  we  wanted,  even  several  times  a  day,  which 
of  course  was  considered  the  utmost  in  (^xury.  Nobody  as 
yet  had  heard  of  a  shower  then.  It  was  a  tub  bath  or  nothing. 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  103  - 


Our  youth  nowadays  cannot  even  imagine  how  it  was.  They 
take  everything  for  granted  and  that  is  perhaps  why  some 
of  them  revolt  and  avoid  washing  or  bathing  and  get  stink= 
ing  dirty  again.  I  wonder  if  that  can  be  called  progress? 

Our  car  steward  in  the  trans-Siberian  Ex= 
press  (he  was  called  in  Russian:  a  provodnik)  didn't  seem 
to  mind  about  any  hot  or  warm  water  shortage.  He  had  a 
limited  amount  of  wood  to  bum  and  that  was  it.  We  never 
saw  him  even  wash  his  hands  during  the  long  trip  from 
Negoreloje  to  Manchuli  and  despite  the  fact  that  I  gave 
him  a  used  razor  blade  for  a  tip  each  day,  he  never  shaved 
either.  At  the  end  of  the  trip  he  looked  something  akin 
to  a  present-day  hippy.  His  duties  were  few.  He  had  to 
make  the  beds  in  the  evenings  and  break  them  up  in  the 
morning.  He  had  to  feed  the  stove  with  wood  and  that  was 
about  all.  Once  a  day  at  one  of  the  many  stops  a  herd  of 
scrub  women  invaded  the  train  and  washed  the  floors.  It 
didn't  help  much,  but  it  was  a  good  show. 

All  the  while  and  until  we  saw  the  last  of  Russian 
territory  Timothy  remained  ill-tempered.  He  missed  the 
occasional  meeting  with  other  guardian  angels.  As  he  had 
asserted,  not  many  were  assigned  to  this  officially  god- 
less nation  and  there  were  none  on  the  train.  I  didn't 
believe  him.  However,  I  had  no  way  of  disputing  this 
matter.  His  resentment  toward  me  that  I  had  chosen  this 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  104  - 


i 


• 


route  did  not  abate  and  the  two  of  us  had  little  communion 
until  he  faced  the  special  predicament  in  Manchuli. 

"This  country  is  ruled  by  a  man  who  never  will  let 
the  world  know  peace,"  he  told  me  once  and  without  pro- 
vocation on  my  part.  "Even  the  rulers  who  will  follow  him 


won' t  ever." 


of/ 


When  I  tried  to  advise  him  that  it  was/#  little  use 
to  pull  a  long  face  over  facts  we  knew,  he  got  really 
angry  with  me,  because  any  person  alive  in  the  world 
should  care  about  it.  If  he  had  had  not  the  fear  of  God 
in  him  and  wouldn't  have  been  under  obligation  never  to 
swear,  I  think  he  would  let  me  have  it  with  all  the  in=* 
vectives  that  exist  in  the  German  language.  He  had  often 
complained  about  my  habit  of  quoting  famous  people  or 
parts  from  great  books  since  he  had  been  an  uneducated 
man  in  life  and  had  not  much  improved  his  knowledge  since. 
He  must  have  consulted  at  one  time  or  other  one  of  his  more 
erudite  celestial  brethren  for  a  quotation  to  throw  at  me. 
I'm  sure,  he  had  only  waited  for  the  right  moment  to  show 
off  with  it  to  prove  to  me  that  he  wasn't  altogether  a 
"Dummkopf".  Acting,  as  if  he  was  bristling  with  indig=» 
nation  about  my  attitude  toward  him,  he  asked  me  if  I  ever 


f 


had  heard  of  Savonarola. 


"Sure,"  I  said. 


"You  would,"   he   grouchily   rejoined  with   a  note  of 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  105  - 


asperity  In  his  voice.  "Who  was  he? 


II 


'*A  fiery-headed,  Italian  religious  reformer  in  the 
15th  century." 

For  a  moment  he  remained  silent,  then  he  asked,  "But 
do  you  know  what  he  cried  out  in  his  scorn  when  faced  with 
godlessness?" 

He  had  me  there  and  he  savored  this  moment  of  triumph 
as  if  he  had  won  a  great  victory.  "Savonarola  had  cried  out: 
No  one  who  resists  the  Lord,  can  ever  find  peace,"  he  told 
me  in  a  pontificial  manner. 

This  was  the  only  serious  colloquy  we  had  during  the 
ten  days  of  our  trip  through  Russia,  but  at  least  he  had 
found  some  satisfaction  in  his  misery. 

The  colloquies  I  had  with  our  provodnik,  obviously  a 
benighted  ignoramus,  were  of  a  quite  different  nature.  We 
didn't  understand  each  other.  This  gangling,  tall  sycamore 
of  a  man,  all  gnarls,  knuckles  and  joints,  had  not  learned 
a  single  expression  in  any  foreign  language  despite  his 
many  years  of  meeting  people  of  other  countries  on  this 
train.  In  his  simple  mind  he  was  convinced  that  everybody 
understood  Russian  although  not  everybody  could  speak  it. 
Once  in  a  while  when  1  had  given  him  an  extra  cigarette  or 
used  razor  blade  he  wanted  to  show  his  appreciation  by  tell= 
ing  me  a  story.  All  I  could  do  in  response  was  listen  and 


nod  from  time  to  time,  or  smile 


when  he 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  106  - 


# 


smiled,  chuckle  when  he  chuckled,  or  make  a  sad  face  when 


he  did.  He  must  have  felt  that  he  had  well  entertained 


me 


as  a  compensation  for  my  little  gifts  and  so  he  acted  as 
if  he  and  I  were  good  friends.  Maybe  we  were  although 
neither  one  of  us  could  surmount  the  language  barrier, 
but  as  I  learned  again  and  again  a  dialogue  was  possible 
despite  of  it.  How  often,  though,  does  it  happen  that  no 
dialogue  can  be  achieved  with  people  who  spoke  the  same 
language,  but  had  adopted  a  righteousness  which  didn't 
allow  them  to  listen  to  any  different  point  of  view  but 
their  own.^ 

All  in  all  cur  trip  through  Russia  was  quite  boring 
under  the  circumstances.  With  each  day  our  feeling  of  in« 
security  mounted  although  our  friend  Karl  Holz  tried  to 
encourage  us  by  telling  us  how  exciting  Shanghai  was  and 
how  much  we  would  enjoy  living  there.  We  were  skeptical, 
but  did  not  show  it.  Really,  an  unclean  train  window  wasn't 
the  best  way  to  see  the  world.  We  passed  through  unending, 
grey  and  dismal  flatlands,  dotted  here  and  there  by  some 
small  v^l,lages  with  dilapidated,  unpainted  wooden  houses. 
We  saw  some  people,  mostly  women,  working  in  the  fields. 
Each  time  the  train  stopped  at  a  small  station  far  from 
nowhere  we  watched  policemen  chase  vendors  and  beggars 
away  so  that  we  could  rush  out  unmolested  to  fill  our 


thermos  bottles  with 


hot  water.    Otherwise  we  couldn't 


brew  ourselves    some    tea  or  coffee    In   the   train. 


Please     don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of   Itl 


-    107   - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing   came   of    It  I 


-  108  - 


We  cros^d  the  Volga  and  didn't  see  any  boatsrnen, 
pulling  barges  and  singing  the  Volga  song  We  traveled 
through  the  Ural  Mountains,  which  divide  Europe  from  Asia, 
but  only  heard  about  it  when  we  woke  up  the  next  morning. 
We  got  a  few  glimpses  of  newly  erected  industrial  cities 
which  had  been  built  since  the  revolution.  Most  of  Siberia 
appeared  to  us  like  an  imagined  moon  landscape.  Pock- 
marked, round-topped  yellow  hills  and  snow  covered  valleys 
with  no  life  whatsoever  -  at  least  as  far  as  we  could  ob« 
serve.  Once  we  thought  that  we  passed  a  slave-labor  camp 
with  its  high  watch-towers,  but  it  was  so  far  distant  that 
we  wereiH't  altogether  sure.  Our  Intourist  guide  always 
went  into  hiding  when  we  had  an  opportunity  to  ask  him 
unpleasant  questions.  Nonetheless   we  traveled  through 
quite  a  bit  of  geography.  The  trouble  was  that  we  had 
little  chance  to  enjoy  it.  If  one  is  imprisoned  in  a  train 
for  over  a  week,  one's  nerves  and  sight  dull.  However, 
again  we  are  far  ahead  of  our  story. 


While  the  train  was  slowly  rolling  into  Moscow, 
we  passed  a  few  onion-shaped  spires  of  the  old  churches. 
I  was  reminded  of  poor,  little  Napoleon  whose  victorious 
invasion  of  Russia  spelled  defeat  as  it  had  done  a  hundred 
years  before  him  to  King  Charles  XII.  of  Sweden  and  as  it 

would  do  some  one  hundred  thirty-five  years  later  to  Hitler 


Napoleon  died  of  cancer  after  he  had  been  exiled  to  the 
island  of  Saint  Helena;  Charles  XII.  was  killed  by  a  stray 
bullet  in  Norway;  and  Hitler  committed  suicide  in  Berlin. 
Russia  is  bad  luck  for  invaders.  Although  we  had  had  no 
time  to  prepare  ourselves  for  the  trip,  I  had  a  few  ideas 
of  what  I  would  like  to  see  in  Moscow  beside  the  Red  Square, 
the  Kremlin  -  as  for  instance  the  famous  Vasili  Cathedral 
where  the  French  so  adequately  had  stabled  their  horses. 
Don't  worry,  the  Vasili  Cathedral  was  out  of  bounds.  At 
that  time  one  just  didn't  see  anything  anywhere  what  one 
would  like  to  see  -  certainly  not  ordinary  tourists  or 
travelers  in  transit.  One  only  saw  what  the  authorities 
determined  one  could  see.  From  the  moment  a  foreigner 
entered  the  Soviet  Union  to  the  moment  he  left  he  remained 
under  constant  surveillance.  Whether  this  haSv^ohanged  or  not, 
I  don't  know  -  although  I  doubt  it. 

We  had  a  stopover  of  three  hours  in  Moscow  while  our 
train  was  shunted  from  one  railway  station  to  another.  A 
stout,  stem-looking  woman,  somewhat  shabbily  dressed, 
approached  us  on  the  platform  of  the  Byelo  Russky  Station. 
She  addressed  us  in  German  (which  made  us  suspicious), 
asking  if  she  could  act  as  our  guide.  I  felt  convinced 
that  she  was  an  agent  of  the  secret  police.  Anyway,  as 
an  authorized  tourist  guide  she  must  have  been  instructed 
in  regard  to  our  itinerary  Her  service  was  free  of  charge. 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing   came   of    iti 


-  109  - 


This  lady  was  of  Danish  birth,  married  to  a  Russian 
petty  bi;§;:eaucrat .  Of  course,  she  let  us  look  at  the 
Kremlin  from  the  outside,  that  is  the  surrounding  wall 
and  a  guarded  gate.  For  that  we  had  no  need  to  go  sights- 
seeing  in  Moscow.  We  had  seen  it  many  a  time  on  pictured 
and  film  screens.  Notwithstanding,  walking  across  the 
Red  Square  with  the  view  on  the  Kremlin  we  felt  touched 
by  history,  the  memory  Of   which  we  never  could  erase 
from  our  minds.  We  were  not  morbid  enough  to  have  any 
desire  of  visiting  with  the  embalmed  corpse  of  Lenin. 
I  might  as  well  omit  any  report  of  our  sightseeing 
tour  in  Moscow.  Whatever  we  wished  to  see  seemed  to  be 
out  of  bounds  and  what  the  guide  lady  showed  us  all  of 
us  have  seen  many  timei  on  our  TV  screens,  fli  0R  isBBHlBm 
However,  in  1935  we  did  not  encounter  a  single  smiling 
person,  man,  woman  or  child.  All  their  faces  were  sad 
and  stony  and  their  eyes  appeared  to  be  dead.  It  might 
have  been  our  imagination,  but  it  CLffected  us  enough  that 
we  were  thoroughly  depressed  by  the  time  we  reached  the 
Severni  Railway  rotation  where  our  train  was  waiting  for 


us . 


Many  years  later  I  read  Arthur  Koestler*s  book  "The 
invisible  Writing"  in  which  he  stated,  "I  was  a  Communist, 
but  I  found  life  in  Russia  terribly  depressing."  I  was 
reminded  how  we  had  felt  in  Moscow  and  all  through  Russia. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-    110  - 


Rbecca   West    in   "The    Meaning   of  Treason"   said   that  C 


ommu' 


t 


g 


nism  was  Fascism  with  a   glandular   difference.    Nothin 
t>4uer   was    ever  written. 

Saying    farewell    to    our    lady-guide,   we    asked  her 

what  we  could   give    her   to  compensate   her   for   the   time 

had/ 
she/spent  with   us,    although  we  had  not   much   to    give. 

She  assured   us    that    she   was   not  allowed  to    accept  any 

payment  or    a  tip   in    any   other    form.    Yet,    as    little   as 

we    possessed  ourselves,    we  could    not    leave    this    good 

woman   without   some    token    of  our  appreciation.    I    asked 

her  to   wait   with  Annie  on   the    platform  while   I    quickly 

boarded   the    train  to   get    a  cake  of   soap  and   a  bar  of 

chocolate    from   our  unsealed   suitcases.     I  pocketed  both 

and  went  outside   again.    Before     accepting    these    simple 

gifts    she   anxiously    looked  around    to  make    sure    that    she 

wasn't   watched,    then   she    quickly    took    the    two   items    and 

stuffed    them  into  her  old   purse.    The   poor  woman,    who 

definitely   made    the    impression  of   having  seen  better 

days,    had   tears    in  her  eyes.    Her    two  children,    she   told 

us,    had  never   tasted    any    chocolate,    and   they  had  not   had 

any  good  soap   for  a    long    time.   We    felt    a  little    better   for 

that.    We  were   so   poor  ourselves   and  still    rich    in  compar=» 

ison  to   her. 


•t 


Until   we  finally  arrived    in  Shanghai  we  did  not 
fully    realize   the  absolute   fi/n/ility  of   our   break  with 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  Ill  - 


our  past.  While  we  traveled  we  still  were  In  a  kind 
of  trance,  and  It  did  not  hit  us  completely  that  we 
had  torn  up  our  roots,  that  we  were  refugees,  people 
without  a  country,  vagrants  so  to  speak,  cast-outs.  We 
had  no  assurance  that  we  were  wanted  anywhere  In  the 
world.  To  each  llvlng-belng  the  future  Is  an  unknown 
mystery  as  it  should  be  if  one  wants  to  live  a  life  of 
sanity.  To  us,  however,  it  went  beyond  that.  We  didn't 
even  know  that  we  had  a  future.  While  we  were  in  transit 
to  Shanghai  anything  could  occur,  preventing  us  from  ever 
getting  there.  And  who  would  ever  care?  Who  would  ever 
investigate  what  had  happened  to  us?  We  could  not  permit 
our  minds  to  dwell  on  how  we  would  manage  to  establish  a 
new  existence,  probably  altogether  alien  to  the  one  we 
had  left  behind.  We  did  not  even  dare  to  discuss  with 
each  other  what  we  would  do  if  the  last  of  our  forty 
dollars  had  been  spent.  It  was  such  a  meager  amount  of 
money , separating  us  from  to  be  or  not  to  be.  Moreover, 
then  already  doubts  assailed  us  about  Pfeiffer.  Perhaps 
we  might  not  even  see  a  single  penny  of  the  loan  we  had 
given  him.  In  our  anxiety  to  get  out  of  Nazi-Germany  we 
had  taken  his  word  for  granted.  We  had  been  like  drowning 
people  grabbing  for  a  straw.  The  way  he  acted  ever  since 


we  were  en  route  gave  us  little  confidence.  Yet,  without 
the  fifteen  hundred  Mark  we  had  Invested  In  him  wc  might 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  112  - 


t 


as  well  forget  about  starting  anew  In  a  strange  city 
among  strange  people.  So  we  honestly  believed,  not  yet 
knowing  how  resourceful  one  could  be  when  faced  with  no 
material  assts.  Like  anybody  else , refugees  also  had  to 
learn  how  to  cope  with  unforeseen  emergencies.  And  we 
did  learn.  We  surely  did.  We  were  taught  a  very  important 
lesson  that  God  in  His  goodness  would  never  abandon  us. 
Faith  was  all  we  needed  to  open  seemingly  locked  doors. 
Faith  -  how  beautiful  it  Is.  Faith  has  sustained  us 
throughout  our  life  with  all  its  many  vicissitudes,  ^ 
ventures  and  adventures.  It  still  sustains  us.  Without 
faith  life  is  not  worth  living.  Love,  faith  and  gratis 
tude  -  what  else  is  there  to  happiness  in  life? 

Both,  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider,  proved  to  be  real 
nuisances.  We  had  been  the  ones  who  had  made  it  possible 
for  them  to  leave  Nazl-Gennany .  Now  they  didn't  care  about 
us.  Most  of  the  time  they  were  drunk  or  nearly  so.  Their 
newly  acquired  friend,  the  Dutch  gentleman  in  the  first 
class,  had  taken  plenty  of  booze  along.  The  three  became 
Inseparable  companions.  At  least  we  didn't  see  much  of 
them.  Whenever  they  were  with  us  In  our  compartment,  they 
went  to  sleep  to  sober  up  in  order  to  get  pickled  again. 
They  were  oblivious  to  anything  else.  They  were  also  ob" 
llvious  during  the  one  day  we  traveled  around  the  southern 


part  of  the  Baikal  Lake  In  Siberia.  This  lake  was  the 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  113  - 


only  worthwhile  scenic  sight  we  encountered  throughout 
all  our  trip  and  probably  one  of  the  most  beautiful  in 
in  the  world,  ft  covers  an  area  of  over  thirteen  thousand 
square  miles  and  is  supposedly  the  largest  fresh  water 
lake  in  Asia  as  well  as  the  deepest  in  the  world.  At 
least  so  the  Intourist  guide  told  us.  Its  water  is  as 
clear  as  crystal,  and  one  could  see  deep  down  to  the 
bottom.  Even  from  the  slow-moving  train  we  could  watch 
the  fish  swimming  in  it.  There  were  blue-hazed,  snow- 
topped  mountains  far  in  the  background.  We  traveled 
through  fir  forests  and  stopped  at  little  villages  and 
towns  where  the  pople  looked  clean  and  attractive.  After 
the  city  of  Kultuk  we  passed  through  numerous  tunnels 
and  wondered  about  the  strange  names  of  towns  like  Mur= 


inskaja  and  Mysovaya.  For  a  whole  day  Annie  and  I 


were 


glued  to  the  window.  We  tried  to  rouse  Pfeiffer  and 
Schneider,  but  they  had  a  monumental  hangover  from  the 
previous  night.  So  far.  although  we  were  already  in  Asia, 
we  were  nojmuch  aware  of  the  difference  between  West  and 
East.  It  was  brought  home  to  us  in  Manchuli,  the  Manchu* 
rian  border  town. 


The  one  silver- lining  in  the  clouds  was 
pur  young  friend  Karl  Holz  with  whom  we  chatted  many  hours. 
•Naturally,  we  mostly  talked  about  Shanghai  and  our  chances 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  ll'»  - 


^ 


to  make  a  living  there.  Whenever  I  revealed  to  him  some 
of  my  still  very  vague  ideas  of  what  1  could  do,  he  quite 
obviously  acted  guarded.  Not  wanting  to  dash  our  hopes,  he 
neither  encouraged  nor  discouraged  us.  As  it  turned  out,  we 
later  learned  that  he  knew  quite  well  that  any  of  my  ideas 
were  sheer  phantasies,  as  far  from  reality  as  most  dreams. 
Yet,  he  never  bat  an  eye  when  I  talked  about  them.  He  had 
the  wisdom  to  recognize  that  our  lives  hung  on  a  very  thin 
thread,  called  hope. 

Karl  himself  would  not  have  liked  to  live  anywhere 
else  but  in  Shanghai.  He  was  born  and  raised  there.  It 
was  the  ''old  home- town"  fiction,  a  mental  malady  not  many 
people  are  able  to  overcome.  Anyway,  after  we  knew  Shanghai 
it  was  hard  to  imagine  her  as  an  "old  home- town".  She  was 
more  likely  a  modern  Babel,  where  so  many  different  languagues 
were  spoken  as  well  as  different  dialects  among  the  Chinese, 
that  more  often  than  not  people  could  not  converse  intelli- 
gibly with  one  another  than  in  English,  French  or  Pidgin 

English.  To  explain  Shanghai  of  that  time  was  even  hard 

She/ 
for  our  fric/>ad  Karl  Holz. /It  was  altogether  dissimilar 

from  any  other  metropolis  in  the  world.  One  had  to  live 

there  as  a  resident  to  get  the  feeling  of  the  strange 

Shanghai-way  of  life.  She  had  an  atmosphere  all  her  own 

which  in  our  opinion  can  never  be  duplicated.  She  was 

unique.  One  could  love  or  hate  her,  but  one  could  not 


be  indifferent  to  her  aura. 


Please,  don't  worry:  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  115  - 


Despite  Karl's  reticence  to  raise  our  hopes  he 
promised  to  ask  his  parents  to  rent  us  a  roon,  in  their 

small  house  for  at  inact-    t-u^    a 

lor  at  least  the  first  month.  Thus  we  would 

have  a  roof  over  our  heads,  a  bed  and  an  address  until 
we  had  found  jobs  and  could  afford  to  be  on  our  own.  It 
so  happened  that  we  stayed  in  the  Holz  house  for  as  long 
as  we  were  in  Shanghai. 


Anyone,  I  guess,  who  ever  has  traveled 
the  Whole  vast  stretch  of  Russian  territory  in  the  trans- 
Siberian  Express,  must  have  felt  some  sort  of  relief 
when  at  last  the  end  was  reached.  To  us  it  was  like 
being  released  from  a  prison.  We  had  made  it  so  far 
and  although  we  still  had  quite  a  long  way  to  go  we 
were  confident  the  worst  was  behind  us.  How  well  has 
God  arranged  it  that  the  future  is  always  unkno.^  to  us. 
^^J^;as  far  from  over  and  it  started  -  after  we 
A^^^^^^^an  inspection  of  our  baggage  and  finances  - 
with  carrying  our  thirteen  suitcases  so.e  five  hundred 
yards  from  where  the  Russian  train  had  stopped  to  the 
railway  station  of  Manchuli  across  the  border  where 

a  train  of  the  Chinese  F•^c^,.r•r.  d  -i 

^■iincse  Lastern  Railway  was  waiting  for 

us.  We  had  an  hour's  time  until  departure.  As  always 
Pfeiffer  and  Schneider  had  disappeared  with  their  one 
piece  of  luggage  each.  Annie  took  four  cases  and  Holz 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  116  - 


# 


in  addition  to  his  overnight  case  took  another  four 
which  left  me  with  five.  On  the  Manchuli  station  plat- 
form we  put  our  baggage  down  in  a  heap  and  Annie  got 
the  job  to  sit  on  it.  Holz  and  I  were  going  to  town 
to  obtain  our  Manchurian  transit  visas.  Without  Holz 
I  wouldn't  even  ha  v^  know/  how  to  find  the  passport  office 


I  hated  the  idea  of  laving  Annie  alone,  but  s 


ome 


one  had  to  guard  our  luggage.  The  other  people  on  the 
platform  didn't  inspire  me  with  any  confidence.  To  me 
most  of  them  looked  like  cut- throats  or  some  sort  of 
bandits.  They  were  members  of  many  nationalities  - 
slant-eyes  Mongolians  with  cheek-protruding  faces, 
Tartars  with  long,  black  moustachios,  Circassians, 
supposedly  wild  warriors  from  Turkestant,  blue  eyed 
people  from  the  Caucasus,  and,  of  course,  Chinese. 
No  doubt  anymore,  we  were  in  Asia  now.  The  umbilical 
cord,  which  still  had  held  us  to  Europe,  was  cut  at 
last.  Leaving  Annie  by  herself  with  all  these  strange 
and  dangerous  looking  characters  was  not  a'^^easy  decision 
to  make.  Timothy  stubbornly  refused  to  stay  with  her.  I 
was  his  official  responsibility  and  he  could  watch  over 
Annie  only  as  long  as  we  two  were  together.  I  had  to 
rely  on  Holz's  assurance  that  I  had  nothing  to  fear. 
Nobody  would  harm  poor  Annie.  I  took  a  long  last  look 
at  her  when  we  left,  praying  I  would  see  her  again  and 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing   came   of    Itl 


-  117  - 


alive,  too.  She  looked  so  forlorn  that  my  heart  ached 
for  her.  However,  I  should  have  known  her  better.  She 
still  amazes  me  today  how  she  is  able  to  make  friends 
anywhere. 

When  Holz  and  I  returned  some  thirty  minutes  later, 
she  was  still  sitting  on  the  pile  of  our  luggage,  but 
with  her  squatted  a  Mongolian  family  which  she  had  lured 
into  her  charm.  1  don't  how  she  had  managed  not  to  have 
died  of  fright.  She  never  knew  real  fear  since  she  had 
such  an  unbelievable  faith  in  God.  Annie  and  the  Mon= 
golian  family  were  chatting  amiably  without  knowing  one 
another's  language.  The  children  in  particular  were 
fascinated  by  her.  They  all  had  never  seen  a  woman 
like  her.  Besides,  the  feather  on  her  hat  seemed  to 
them  so  funny  that  they  didn't  stop  laughing  about  it. 
Annie  had  the  youngest,  a  baby,  in  her  lap,  and  the 
mother  just  smiled  with  beatitude.  The  father  stood  by, 
a  little  aloof  and  puzzled,  but  I  had  a  strange  feeling 
he  would  have  defended  Annie  with  the  dagger  he  carried 
in  his  belt  if  anyone  had  dared  to  look  crosswise  at  her. 
That  was  my  Annie.  The  strangest  people  fell  in  love  with 
her  and  men  always  felt  they  had  to  protect  her.  We  were 
to  face  many  real  dangers,  but  nobody  ever  got  the  idea 
to  do  harm  to  her,  not  even  nature  in  its  scorn.  On  the 
contrary  she  aroused  the  protective  sentiment  in  all  and 


everybody. 


Please,    don't  worry'.    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-  118  - 


# 


Holz  and  1  took  two  rickshaws  to  the  passport  office, 
mine  following  his.  One  couldn't  simply  step  into  a  rick- 
shaw like  into  a  taxi  and  tell  the  driver  where  one  wanted 
to  go.  One  had  to  direct  the  coolie  by  shouting  at  him 
and  directing  him  by  hand  signs.  I  never  forgot  the  revolt- 
ing feeling  about  being  pulled  by  a  human  animal.  If  it 
hadn't  been  for  Holz,  I  would  have  stopped  the  poor, 
sweating  fellow  after  a  few  minutes,  paid  him  off  and 
rather  walked   1  did  just  that  the  first  time  we  took 
rickshaws  in  Shanghai.  We  had  no  trouble  in  obtaining  the 
Manchurian  transit  visas  unless  paying  five  dollars  for 
them  meant  trouble  which  it  did  for  us.  It  bit  too  deeply 
into  our  meager  financial  resources  and  1  got  mad  all 
over  again  about  the  stubborn  refusal  by  the  Japanese 
Consul  in  Hamburg  to  issue  these  visas  for  us.  The 
rickshaw  fare  was  only  twenty  cents  each  for  Holz  and 


my 


self.  Yet   even  a  single  cent  counted  as  far  as  Annie 


and  I  were  concerned.  However,  when  I  saw  Annie  again  un» 

station/ 
harmed  at  the  railway/l  forgot  all  about  it.  Nothing  else 

was  of  real  importance. 

Pfeiffer,  Schneider,  Holz,  Annie  and  I  found  a  com- 
partment for  ourselves  in  the  Chinese  Eastern  Railway 
train  which  was  so  overcrowded  that  many  people  had  to  squat 
with  their  bundles  outside  in  the  corridors.  They  never 
stopped  gabbing,  spitting,  eating  all  kinds  of  strange 

smelling  food.  The  children  got  restless  and  babies 
cried.  I  didn't  bother  any  of  us,  but  it  did  Annie.  For 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   it  I 


-  119  - 


the  first  time  she  felt  truly  mise'iable  and  showed  it. 
Sitting  next  to  me  at  one  of  the  two  window  corners, 
she  started  silently  to  cry.  Small  tears  were  running 
down  her  cheeks.  I  asked  her  what  was  wrong.  She  looked 
at  me  as  if  I  had  offended  her. 

"Do  you  know  that  there  aren't  any  restrooms  on 


this  train,  and  I  have  to  go?"  she  whispered  into 


my 


ear. 


"How  do  you  know?" 

"1  haven't  seen  any  when  we  boarded  the  train." 

I  shook  my  head,  then  whispered  to  Holz,  asking  him. 
He  chuckled  and  whispered  back  that  Annie  was  mistaken. 
Nodding  at  her,  he  indicated  that  he  would  take  her. 

When  they  returned,  Annie  still  looked  depressed. 

"That  was  the  dirtiest  place  I've  ever  seen,"  she  flBt 

"I  couldn't  even  wash  my  hands."/ 
whispered  into  my  ear  as  she  sat  down ./A  moment  later 

she  began  to  cry  again. 

"What  is  it  now?"  I  asked  her.  She  never  cried.  I 
couldn't  figure  her  out.  In  all  the  years  to  come  she 
never  cried  again,  but  the  change  from  West  to  East 
somehow  and  sudd^_i?nly  must  have  overwhelmed  her. 

"You  know,"  she  said  in  a  low  voice,  "one  always 
reads  in  newspapers,  magazines  and  books  about  exiles, 
I  mean  real  exiles,  refugees.  One  never  thinks  that  it 
ever  can  happen  to  you.  But  it  can.  Anything  can  happen  to 


Pleasd,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  120  - 


you.  We  are  exiles.  Refugees.  We  don't  have  a  home  any 


# 


# 


-# 


:  ^     M 


more,  and  we  don't  know  if  we  ever  will  have  one  again. 
wiped  off/ 
She /MBii  her  tears  and  tried  to  smile,  but  for  once 

she  did  not  succeed.  Just  then  and  there  with  all  these 

strange-looking,  strange-sounding  and  strangely  behaving 

people  around  us,  people  one  had  only  see/*  in  pictures, 


she  felt  the  deep  pain  a  tree  must  feel  when  it  has  been 
torn  up  by  its  roots.  What  was  it?  Slow  death  or  new  life 
by  being  re-planted  somewhere  else?  As  the  uprooted  tree 
doesn't  know,  neither  did  Annie  right  then.  What  answer 
could  I  give  her?  How  could  I  console  her  without  sound- 
ing hypocritical?  There  never  had  been  any  lies  between 
us  and  I  couldn't  lie  to  her  then.  I  couldn't  tell  her 
that  all  will  turn  out  all  right  when  she  as  well  as  I 
didn't  know  for  sure.  Taking  her  hand  into  mine,  we  sat 
in  silence  for  a  while. 

"Well,"  I  said  at  last,  "I  guess  as  long  as  we  two 
are  together,  nothi'h^  can  be  as  bad  as  we  might  think 

it  is." 

She  nodded.  Our  togetherness  was  the  only  reality 

she  could  cling  to. 

"The  fitting  is  awful,"  she  complained.  "Why  do 
they  have  to  spit  all  the  time?" 

I  shrugged  my  shoulders.  I  wondered  myself.  But  the 
spitting  was  to  follow  us  all  over  Asia  with  the  exception 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  121  - 


of  Japan  which  probably  is  the  cleanest  and  most  sani- 
tary country  in  the  world.  People  just  spat  from  deep 
down,  not  caring  what  or  whom  they  hit. 

Suddenly  the  door  to  our  compartment  was  pushed  open. 
Two  Japanese  soldiers  with  bayonets  fixed  on  their  rifles 

stared  in  at  us.  This  became  a  regular,  hourly  occurrence. 

one/ 
Just  when/had  dozed  off  again  on  the  hard  and  uncomfort= 

able  benches  -  whami  The  door  was  thrown  open  and  there 

they  were  -  the  same  two  soldiers  on  inspection.  What  in 

the  name  of  Buddha  did  they  expect  to  find?  Obviously  we 

neither  could  run  away  or  engage  in  any  nefarious  spy 

activities.  There  was  nothing  to  spy  on  and  we  certainly 

couldn't  disappear.  We  just  had  to  sit  where  we  were  and 

hope  that  the  train  wouldn't  be  late  so  that  we  wouldn't 

miss  our  connection  with  the  Asia  Express  in  Harbin. 

"I  guess,"  I  ventured  to  say  the  third  time  they 
disturbed  us,  "they've  got  orders  not  to  trust  us." 

Nobody  carea  to  comment.  We  had  exhausted  any  con= 
versation  we  had  had.  These  sixteen  or  eighteen  hours 
between  Manchuli  and  Harbin  were  the  most  uncomfortable 
ones  during  all  our  sixteen  days  trip. 

I  never  could  figure  it  out,  but  somehow  whoever  was 
responsible  for  the  train  schedules  in  Russia  and  Manchuria 
had  conspired  so  that  the  travelers  would  not  get  to  see 
any  of  the  mountain  ranges.  We  crossed  all  of  them  at  night 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  122  - 


♦ 


# 


I  had  very  much  looked  forward  to  the  Ural  mountains  and  - 
vfell,  as  you  might  remember,-  we  traveled  through  them  in 
the  dark  of  the  night.  Now  I  was  looking  forward  to  the 
Greater  Khingan  Mountain  Ranges  between  the  Amur  and 
Sungari  rivers,  but  alas,  yes,  you  guessefl^it.  We  didn't 
get  a  glimpse  of  them.  Agiin  we  crossed  them  by  night. 
It  was  kind  of  frustrating.  This  probably  would  be  the 
only  time  in  our  lives  to  see  these  famous  mountain 
ranges,  and  we  were  denied  the  sight  of  them. 

It  was  a  matter  of  sheer  wonder  how  all  the  Japanese 
soldiers  and  officials  we  saw  on  the  station  platforms 
and  in  the  Manchurian  trains  ever  got  there,  when  the 
Japanese  consul  in  Hamburg  had  assured  us  that  he  had 
never  heard  of  Manchuria.  In  fact,  they  had  changed 
Manchuria  to  Manchukuo  and  they  had  it  occupied.  No=* 
body  must  ever  have  told  the  consul  in  Hamburg  about  it. 
We  weren't  on  the  train  for  much  more  than  two  hours  when 
a  Japanese  official,  accompanied  by  two  other  soldiers, 
handed  each  one  of  us  a  six  page  long  questioaaire  which 
we  were  to  fill  out  and  then  return  to  him.  At  least,  so 
much  we  understood  although  he  talked  to  us  in  Japanese. 
These  six  pages  contained  more  silly  questions  than  we 


'# 


were  able  to  answer.  Holz  advised  us  to  write  down  any 
thing.  What  we  didn't  know,  they  certainly  didn't  know 
either.  The  questions  were  printed  in  three  languages, 


Please,  don't  woury!  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  123  - 


Russian,  English,  and  German.  None  of  us,  of  course,  re- 
membered or  even  had  heard  all  the  names,  places  and  dates 
of  birth  of  our  grandparents  and  great-grandparents.  Why 
the  Japanese  authorities  were  interested  in  getting  this 
kind  of  useless  information  was  beyond  us.  In  order  to 
please  them  we  all   invented  the  answers.  Furthermore, 
among  many  other  personal  questions  we  had  to  state  the 
exact  length  of  time  we  intended  to  stay  in  Harbin  and 
with  what  train  at  what  time  we  would  continue  our  trip 
to  what  destination.  Intourist  in  Hamburg  had  booked  for 
us  seats  in  the  famous  Asia  Express  from  Harbin  to  Dairen. 
According  to  the  time  table  the  Asia  Express  was  scheduled 
to  depart  from  Harbin  ten  minutes  after  our  train  was 

supposed  to  arrive  there.  We  knew,  it  would  be  a  tight 

so/ 
squeeze  to  transfer  all  our  suitcases  infshort  a  time, 

but  we  very  much  looked  forward  to  the  Asia  Express  which 
had  been  described  to  us  as  the  most  modem  train  in  the 
world.  Each  car  was  topped  by  a  glass  dome  for  good  view= 
irg.  There  was  a  modern  dining  car,  excellent  washing 
facilities  and  all  the  comforts  one  could  ask  for.  Maybe 
all  this  was  true.  Please,  don't  worry;  Nothing  came  of  itI 

The  very  moment  our  train  pulled  into  the  Harbin  station, 
the  Asia  Express  with  its  domes  pulled  out  on  another  track. 
It  so  happened  that  we  were  fifteen  minutes  late  and  the 
Japanese  were  sticklers  in  regard  to  punctuality.  A  five 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-   124   - 


# 


# 


-# 


minutes   wait  was    unthinkable.    Well,    that  was    that.    No 
beautiful   view   from  a    glass-domed    train,    no   modern  din- 
ing car,    which  we   couldn't   have  used  anyway    for    lack   of 
money,    no  modern   washrooms,   which  would    have   been   a  bless* 
ing   after   ten  days  without   a  bath.    This    was    truly   a  moment 
for   shedding   tears,    but  Annie    had    regained   her  good  humor. 
She   just    laughed,    not    even   realizing  that  we  were   stranded 
in   Harbin.    How   the  hell  were  we   to    go  on  without    also 
missing    the    boat    in  Dairen?  The  Asia  Express    ran    only 
twice   a  week   as    far   as  we    knew. 

Once  again  we  had  to  drag  our  thirteen  suitcases 
out  of  the  train  across  several  tracks  and  platforms. 
It   was    getting   too  much.    I   deposited  Annie   and  our 


baggage   on   a  platform   bench  just  outside   the    stati 


on 


building   and  went    in    search   for  someone   who    could   tell 
me   when   another    train   was    going  to    leave.   We   had    to  reach 
D-iiren    in   time   for  our  boat  or  we  would   be    stranded   there 
for    fully   three    days.    We    didn't  have   the   funds   for  a   hotel 
room,    or   at    least    it   would    deplete    our   money   almost  com* 
pletely . 

My    search  was  entirely  fruitless.    No  one,   whom  I 
accosted,    understood   me.    Finally  I    gave    up   and  returned 
to    Annie,    sat   down  beside    her,    determined   to    let    fate 
take    its   course.    Some    time   during   the  day  there  was  bound 
to   come   another    train  which  was  going   in  the  direction  of 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    It  I 


-  125  - 


Dalren.  We  decided  to  wait  and  see. 

Neither  Pfeiffer,  Schneider  nor  Holz  were  around, 
and  we  couldn't  imagine  whereto  they  had  disappeared. 
When  we  met  th£hi  again  on  the  boat  from  Dairen,  we  got 
their  stories.  The  Dutchman  had  bribed  some  officials 
and  the  three  had  gone  into  Harbin  where  they  entertained 
themselves  in  one  of  the  famous  brothels  of  that  city. 
Holz,  although  taking  a  chance  of  being  stopped,  had 
MBIL  ■  iBMBV  JB  sneaked  out  of  the  station  within 
the  minute  after  our  arrival.  He  had  a  Russian  girl- 
friend in  town  to  whom  he  paid  a  visit.  Well,  that  left 
Annie  and  me  at  the  mercy  of  Japanese  hostile  militarism. 
It  so  happened  that  we  were  the  only  foreigners  on  the 
station  platform. 

Getting  hungry  after  a  while,  we  opened  the  suitcase 
which  held  our  vittels.  While  eating  our  pumpernickel 
with  butter  and  cheese  we  watched  what  was  going  on. 
Japanese  workingmen,  all  of  them  wearing  white  cotton 
gloves,  were  busy  with  some  task  of  repairing  railway 
spikes  or  something  of  this  order.  A  number  of  Chinese 
peasants  with  their  families  and  others  were  squatting, 
apparently  waiting  like  us  for  another  train.  There 
were  few  activities  of  any  interest. 

For  an  hour  or  so  we  sat  in  peace  on  our  bench  with 
no  train  in  sight  anywhere.  Then  gradually  all  the  people 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  126  - 


# 


including  the  Japanese  laborers  disappeared  into  the 
station  building.  Within  a  few  minutes  we  two  were  the 
only  living  beings  outside  the  building  proper.  We  began 
to  wonder.  It  was  kind  of  eerie. 

At  last  the  little*, bow-legged  station  master,  wear« 
ing  the  red  cap  of  his  office,  came  out  and  rapidly  ap- 
proached us.  .^nnie  and  I  looked  at  each  other.  What  now? 

What  now?  The  little  man  stopped  in  front  of  us  and 
excitedly  talked  to  us  after  he  had  first  politely  bowed. 
A  Japanese  will  always  bow  politely,  even  if  he  was  going 
to  punch  you  in  the  nose  afterwards.  I  told  him  in  German 
that  we  didn't  understand  a  word  he  said  and  that  he  could 
go  and  fly  a  kike  for  all  I  cared.  It  didn't  make  any 
difference.  Each  time  I  opened  my  mouth  he  stopped  talk- 
ing  and  looked  at  us  as  if  we  weren't  quite  right  in  our 


m 


inds.  He  was  pointing  to  the  nearest  door  leading  into 


the  building.  Nothing  doing,  I  told  him.  We  wouldn't  move 
an  inch.  It  was  no  fault  of  ours  that  we  had  missed  the 
Asia  Express.  Again  he  bowed  to  us.  What  could  I  do?  I 
got  up  and  bowed  to  him,  telling  him  at  the  same  time  to 
go  to  hell.  While  again  and  again  he  pointed  to  the  door 
leading  into  the  station,  I  pointed  to  our  thirteen  suit- 
cases, then  shook  my  head,  indicating  that  we  had  no  in- 
tention of  moving  wi-6i  all  that  luggage.  Finally  the 
redcap  gave  up.  As  we  watched  htm  hastily  retreating 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  127  - 


into  the  building,  I  proudly  told  Annie  how  smart  I 
was.  We  had  won  over  that  officious  son-of-a-gun.  The 
heck  I  had  won.  A  minute  later  he  re-appeared  with  two 
porters  who  just  picked  up  our  suitcases  and  carried 
them  into  the  building.  What  choice  did  we  have?  Remon=» 
strate  some  more  with  the  little  station  master?  Fight 
Japanese  City  Hall?  We  two^  poor,  lonely  foreigners  had 
to  follow  our  only  possessions  we  had  left.  The  two  porters 
deposited  our  baggage  at  the  proper  baggage  department 
and  we  got  a  piece  of  paper  with  something  printed  on  it 
in  Japanese  which  we  assumed  was  a  receipt.  Meanwhile  all 
doors  were  closed  and  locked.  Japanese  soldiers  appeared 
from  nowhere  and  guarded  the  windows. 

Not  a  soul  was  in  sight  at  the  totally  deserted 
platforms  and  railway  tracks.  We  waited  for  a  few  minutes 
and  then  it  happened.  A  train  with  three  modem  passenger 
cars  rolled  through  the  station.  All  window  shades  in  the 
cars  were  drawn.  Japanese  soldiers  with  their  rifles  aimed 
to  all  sides  were  lying  flat  and  in  firing  position  on  the 
car  roofs.  On  the  steps  of  the  engine  and  the  front  bumper 
were  more  soldiers  ready  to  shoot.  I  wondered  if  they  would 
have  shot  at  us  if  we  had  stayed  on  the  platform.  A  single 
locomotive  had  preceded  the  train  by  about  a  hundred  yards. 
This  locomotive  with  its  engineer  and  two  more  men  were 
apparently  expendable  in  case  the  rails  had  been  mined 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  128  - 


or  otherwise  tampered  with.  Each  car  of  the  train  bore 
the  Imperial  seal  of  the  Emperor  of  Manchukuo.  He  had 
been  the  last  Chinese  Emperor  before  he  was  forced  to 
abdicate.  In  March  of  1932  the  Japanese  had  installed 
Henry  Pu-Yi  as  their  puppet  emperor  of  the  newly  con=» 
quered  land  of  Manchuria.  When. he  traveled  in  his  train, 
no  one  was  allowed  close  to  the/tracks  and  he  could  not 
even  look  out  and  show  his  face.  The  Manchurian  Chinese 
considered  Pu-Yi  a  traitor  and  his  life  was  constantly 
threatened  by  the  many  guerilla  groups,  roaming  the 
countryside. 

Later  in  1946  poor  Henry  Pu-Yi  testified  at  a  war 
crimes  trial  that  he  had  been  the  unwilling  tool  of  the 
Japanese  militarists. 

Shortly  after  the  Imperial  train  had  safely  passed 

the/ 
the  station /Qoors  were  unlocked  and  opened  again.  Every- 
thing returned  to  normal.  The  station  master  showed  up 
again,  bowed  to  us  and  said  something  which  sounded  like 

a  polite  apology.  I  asked  him  by  sign  language  when  we 

index/ 
could  expect  another  train?  He  lifted  his/finger,  then 

pulled  his  clumsy  pocket  watch  and  pointed  to  one  o'clock. 

I  nodded  and  thanked  him.  Since  it  was  only  ten- thirty 

we  decided  to  take  a  walk  into  town.  Our  baggage  was 


# 


secure  and  we  were  free  for  some  sightseeing.  Please, 
don't  worry.'  Nothing  came  of  itI 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  129  - 


I  don't  think  we  had  walked  more  than  a  hundred 
yards  when  two  Japanese  M.P.'s  stopped  and  arrested 
us.  It  was  a  damned  nuisance.  For  once  we  had  a  chance 
to  be  on  our  own  and  then  were  forced  to  turn  back  and 
perhaps  thown  into  jail  although  we  couldn't  imagine 
why.  We  hadn't  committed  any  crime,  or  had  we?  At  the 
station  we  were  taken  to  an  office  to  be  confronted  by 
a  Japanese  officer  who  looked  quite  grim  as  if  we  were 
two  dangerous  criminals.  He  let  us  sit  down  and  then 
read  what  appeared  to  be  the  two  questionnaires  we  had 
filled  out  in  the  train  between  Manchuli  and  Harbin. 
Luckily  I  kept  my  mouAi  shut  for  once  although  I  was 
very  much  tempted  to  voice  my  violent  objections.  The 
officer  understood  and  spoke  German  fairly  well. 

After  he  had  gone  through  the  questioi^ires  he 
looked  at  us  with  stern  disapproval.  "You  wrote  here," 
he  said,  "that  you  would  continue  your  journey  on  the 
Asia  Express  after  arrival  in  Harbin." 

That  really  got  my  goat.  "How  the  hell  could  we 

have  continued  our  trip  on  the  Asia  Express?"  I  asked 

him,  not  hiding  my  wrath.  "That  goddamned  train  pulled 

out  while  ours  rolled  Into  the  station.  Why  in  the  name 

of  all  the  gods  in  all  the  world  couldn't  the  Asia  Express 

more/ 
wait  for  a  few/minutes  so  that  we  could  make  the  connection? 

Besides,"  I  added,  "we  paid  three  extra  dollars  each  for 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing   came    of   iti 


-  130  - 


% 


% 


the  privilege  of  traveling  on  the  Asia  Express.  Some 
one  owes  us  six  dollars." 

The  officer  was  not  Impressed.  So  much  I  could  see. 
He  lit  himself  a  cigarette  and  let  the  smoke  escape  through 
both  his  nostrils  -  dragon-like. 

"Why  did  you  leave  the  station?"  he  Inquired. 

"To  go  sightseeing.  What  else?  I  hope,  that  Isn't 
a  crime  around  here." 

"It  could  be.  You  didn't  state  In  your  questlonalres 


that  you  Intended  to  go  sightseeing  In  Harbin. 


11 


I  In-  and  exhaled  deeply.  Boy,  oh  boy,  I  thought, 
what  kind  of  Idiocy  was  that?  "How  could  we  state  that? 
We  were  supposed  to  transfer  without  delay  to  the  Asia 
Express . " 

I  hope  that  at  last  he  would  understand.  But  to  no 
avail.  Bureaucrats  and  Inferior  military  officers  never 
understand  anything. 

"You  may  be  spies  for  all  we  know,"  he  accused  us. 


•  •  T  U  J 


# 


This  city  Is  a  mecca  for  spies." 

"I  don't  care  what  kind  of  mecca  this  city  Is.  Be» 
sides,  what  is  there  to  spy  upon?" 

"Military  Installations,"  the  officers  said. 

"Oh,  come  now  I"  I  sighed  in  despair  about  so  much 
stupidity. 

"If  you  were  as  Innocent  as  you  act,"  the  officer 


Please,    don!  t  worry!   Nothing  came  of   iti 


-  131  - 


continued,  "you'd  have  asked  for  a  permit  to  go  into 
town." 

"Nobody  had  told  us  that  we  need  one." 

Our  conversation,  if  one  could  call  it  that,  had  come 
to  a  dead  end.  The  two  M.P.'s  were  still  standing  behind 
us,  and  I  was  prepared  that  we  would  be  taken  to  jail.  In 
my  silly  imagination  I  saw  already  how  we  were  indicted 
for  spying,  sentenced  to  die  and  be  shot  by  a  firing 
squad.  I  wondered  what  famous  last  words  I  would  shout 
just  before  the  order  to  fire  was  given?  Long  live  - 
what?  Hitler?  Stalin?  I  decided  on  President  Roosevelt. 
He  was  our  best  bet. 


"You  two  have  committed  a  grave  offense  and  I 


am 


empowered    to   hold   you   for   trial,"   the   officer  advised   us. 

I  didn't    know   then   if    it  was   true   in   real    life,    but 

I  had   read   in    books   and   seen  on    films    that   someone    arrested 

had   the    legal    right   for   one    telephone   call.    Whom  could    I 

call    in  Harbin   of   all   places?   The   German   Consul   -    if   there 

was   one?    Oh  no ,    I    thought,    not   him.    He  would   care   a   damn 

about   us.    We  were    fugitives    from  Nazi-Germany  where    they 

had  open   season  on   Jews.    In    fact,    the   German   Consul    instead 

of  helping  us   might   get    the    idea    to   recommend    to  his    su» 

perior   in    Berlin   t^  request    our   extradition.    That's    all 

we/ 
we  needed    after^d   gotten   so   far.   At    this   moment    it  was 

driven  home   to  me    that    people   like  us   had   no   protection 
w^ixtsoever. 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   it  I 


-  132  - 


# 


All  I  could  rely  on  was  my  wit.  I  had  parleyed  my 
self  out  of  serious  troubled  before .  Now  I  had  to  do  it 


• 


again.  As  in  a  flashback  I  remembered  that  I  even  had 
parleyed  myself  once  out  of  a  general  court-martial  in 
the  German  army.  My  offense  had  been  that  I  had  refused 
to  be  a  member  of  a  firing  squad  to  shoot  s^e  francti^ 
reurs  (guerillas  they  would  call  them  now) .  Most  im* 
portant  was  not  to  show  fear.  Showing  fear  brings  out 
the  worst  in  your  enemy.  I  quickly  glanced  at  Annie, 
sitting  at  my  side.  She  smiled  at  me  and  took  my  hand 
into  hers.  Her  confidence  in  me  frightened  me.  I  knew 
what  she  was  thinking.  We  were  able  to  read  our  minds. 

"All  right,"  she  thought  as  she  trustingly  squeezed 
my  hand,  "now  it's  your  turn.  You  won't  let  a  mere  Japan= 
ese  officer  brow-beat  you,  would  you?" 

She  was  right.  The  best  defense  was  always  an  of= 
fensive  move  whether  or  not  I  felt  squeamish  in  my  stomach. 
I  had  to  attack.  Tallyho,  hurrah  -  or  whatever. 

"Holding  us  for  trial?"  I  asked,  acting  boiling  mad. 
"For  how  long?" 

"Oh  -  perhaps  a  few  weeks  or  months,"  he  said  casu- 
ally. 

I  had  the  feeling  he  got  a  kick  out  of  paying  cat 
and  mice  with  us.  It  was  ridiculous.  Here  we  were  as  inno- 


cent as  babes  in  the  wood  and  I  was  determined  to  blow  my 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  133  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    134   - 


top.    Howi^^s    I   going    to  do    that  with   two   armed   soldiers 
standing  behind    us?    We  were   at   that   officer's  mercy   and 
he   knew   it. 


<•  T  I 


I  m  going  to  send  a  cablegram  to  President  Roose=» 
velt,"  I  said  impulsively. 
"What?" 
"You  heard  me.  I  want  to  seTid   a  cablegram  to  Presi  = 


dent  Roosevelt. 


II 


That  did  it.  The  officer  exploded  into  a  burst  of 
laughter.  "President  Roosevelt?"  he  asked  and  laughed 
some  more.  "Is  he  a  friend  of  yours?" 


"My  best  friend,"  I  assured  him  as  sincerely  as  I 


could. 


"And  he'll   send  an  army  to  rescue  you,  won't  he?" 

"He'll  sen fit  an  ultimatum  to  your  government  in  Japan," 
I  advised  him,  having  a  hard  time  not  to  laugh  myself. 
Sometimes  I  got  the  craziest  brain  storms. 

The  mood  had  changed.  "All  right,  you  win,"  the  offi- 
cer admitted  and  then  informed  us  that  he  would  let  us  go 
if  we  promised  to  stay  within  the  confines  of  the  railway 
station.  We  could  board  the  mail  train  to  Hsingking  at 
one  o'clock  and  from  there  the  connecting  express  to 
Dairen. 

We  were  dismissed,  but  we  didn't  give  that  man  the 
satisfaction  of  showing  that  we  felt  relieved.  We  just 


walked  out  and  that  was  that. 


we  met  Karl  Holz  aRain/ 

When/VHfll  on  the  boat  from  Dairen  to 
him/ 

Shanghai  1  told/>PB  about  this  incident.  He  shook  his 
head.  "That  officer  had  no  intention  of  throwing  you  in 
jail.  He  was  doing  you  a  favor," 

"A  favor?  He  prevented  us  from  seeing  the  town." 

"Sure,  he  did.  He  preventa^you  from  getting  into 
real  trouble.  You  had  no  business  to  go  sightseeing  in 
Harbin  all  by  yourselves." 

"Why  not?  We  went  sightseeing  all  by  ourselves 
before." 

"But  not  in  Harbin,"  Holz  patiently  explained.  "Harbin 
is  known  as  the  Mecca  and  Medina  for  all  sorts  of  crooks, 
muggers,  con-men  and  certainly  many  hunghut-se  as  Chinese 
bandits  are  called.  All  of  these  kindly  people  love  to 
prey  on  greenhorns  like  you  and  cut  your  throats  to  boot." 

"But  all  these  kindly  people  left  you,  the  Dutchman 
as  well  as  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider  in  peace,  didn't  they?" 
1  asked  ironically. 

"No,  not  if  we  had  been  greehorns.  The  Dutchman  and 
I  know  our  way  around  there.  We're  old  hands  in  these  parts. 
There  are  certain  districts  one  better  avoids  like  the  pest. 
Believe  me  -  Harbin  is  a  dangerous  place  for  greenhorns." 

"Is  that  the  end  of  the  lecture?"  I  couldn't  help 


but  feeling  a  little  peeved. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  135  - 


Holz  laughed.  '*Sure.  This  is  your  first  time.  Asia 
and  Europe  are  world's  apart.  One  just  doesn't  wander 
around  in  a  strange  city  in  Asia  like  you  do  in  Europe. 
Besides  -  who  wants  to  go  sightseeing  in  Harbin?  It's 
faceless,  neither  occidental  nor  oriental.  There  isn't 
much  to  see.  It's  nothing  but  an  ugly  city  on  the  shores 
of  the  drab  Sungari  river.  That's  all."  Suddenly  he  smiled 
broadly.  "You  didn't  miss  a  thing  -  unless  you  wanted  to 
visit  one  of  the  many  bordellos  or  care  to  get  waylayed, 
robbed  or  killed." 

Now  I  smiled  broadly.  He  didn't  know  about  Timothy. 
Moreover,  I  thought  he  was  exaggerating  to  show  his  super* 
iority  as  an  old  Asia-hand  which  was  silly  since  he  was 
only  in  his  early  twenties.  No  city  could  be  that  bad 
although  strangely  enough  I  never  could  find  Harbin  mention= 
ed  in  any  tourist  guide  book.  After  all,  it's  a  city  with 
more  than  a  million  population.  According  tO  encyclopedias 
it  hasn't  much  of  a  history,  having  been  founded  by  Russians 
as  a  construction  settlement  as  late  as  1897. 

Timothy  just  tells  me  that  he  never  would  have  let 
us  visit  a  bordello.  They're  off-limits  for  guardian- 
angels. 


All  right  -  we  had  given  our  word  not  to 
leave  the  railway  station  again  and  so  we  didn't.  Shortly 
before  one  o'clock  we  retrieved  our  suitcases  from  the 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  136  - 


baggage  department  and  decently  enough  weren't  charged 
anything.  At  least,  they  didn't  add  injury  to  insult. 
We  were  standing  on  the  platform  when  the  mail  train 
huffed  and  puffed  into  the  station.  With  all  the  others 
who  had  waited  we  boarded  it.  The  cars  had  no  separate 
compartments,  but  we  found  two  seats  in  the  center  of 
one  and  settled  down  for  the  almost  twelve  hour  slow 
trip.  I'm  almost  tempted  to  use  the  old  cliche  "slow 
boat  to  China",  but  actually  we  were  already  in  China, 
Japanese  occupation  or  not.  With  the  Asia  Express  it 
would  have  taken  us  less  than  half  the  time.  Well,  as 
I  told  you  before,  we  met  the  friendly,  old  Chinese 
peasant  whom  I  strangely  enough  called  "Ottokar",  and 
Annie  unwittingly  performed  her  striptease  to  the  a» 
musement  of  our  Chinese  fellow  travelers. 

Nothing  else  happened.  When  we  arrived  around  mid- 
night in  Hsingking,  the  express  train  to  Dairen  was  wait- 
ing  for  us  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  platform. 

It  was  a  good  train  as  trains  go.  A  comfortable, 
clean  train,  and  there  was  a  pleasant  washroom  in  each 
car,  but  as  I  said  before  the  faucets  never  produced  more 
than  a  trickle  of  water,  just  enough  to  wash  our  hands 
superficially.  No  chance,  as  we  had  hoped,  for  a  sponge 
bath.  Anyway,  we  discovered  that  we  had  forgotten  tf  0ti 
to  take  at  least  one  sponge  along. 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    it! 


-  137  - 


We  didn't  know  why,  but  ever  since  our  arrival  in 
Harbin  we  had  seen  neither  the  Dutschman,  Pfeiffer,  Schnei= 
der  nor  Holz.  As  a  matter  of  fact  we  never  found  out  how 
and  when  they  managed  to  reach  Dairen  in  time  for  the 
boat  to  Shanghai.  But  there  they  were,  a  little  worse 
for  wear,  though. 

In  Hsingking  we  had  to  transfer  our  suitcases  with=* 
out  any  help.  We  couldn't  afford  to  hire  a  porter.  Our 
forty  dollars  were  dwindling  away  and  we  had  to  have 
enough  money  left  to  pay  at  least  one  month's  rent  for 
the  promised  room  at  the  home  of  Karl's  parents  in 
Shanghai,  even  if  we  would  stuii^je    to  death  in  it.  We 
had  become  quite  dubious  in  regard  to  Pfeiffer.  It  could 
very  well  be  that  we  wouldn't  see  a  single  cent  of  the 
fifteen  hundred  Mark  we  had  lent  him  in  Hamburg.  Of  course, 
the  loss  would  be  kind  of  illusory,  even  if  he  had  conned 
us.  We  couldn't  have  taken  the  money  with  us.  It  had  just 
been  a  gamble  which  would  pay  off  if  Pfeiffer  would  be  an 
honest  man. 

We  had  found  two  opposite  window  seats  in  the  express 
train  and  looked  out  upon  the  lighted  platform.  Oh,  how 
sick  and  ^tired  one  could  get  of  platforms  because  after 
all  with  the  exception  of  Moscow  and  in  my  case  in  Man* 
chuli  all  we  had  seen  so  far  had  been  railway  station 


platforms  after  having  traveled  for  almost  two  weeks. 


This  time,  though,  we  were  rewarded  by  a  good  show  just 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  138  - 


% 


outside  our  compartment  window.  A  middle-aged  Japanese 
woman  and  what  we  assumed  where  her  son  and  daughter 

were  saying  farewell  to  one  another.  Mother  and  daughter 

attired/ 
were  wearing  beautiful  kimonos  and  the  son  was/in  a  sort 

of  cadet  uniform.  He  was  the  one  to  leave  because  he  had 

a  suitcase  standing  at  his  feet.  Both  son  and  daughter 

were  in  their  late  teens  or  early  twenties.  However, 

to  be  correct,  they  did  not  "say"  farewell,  they  "bowed" 

farewell.  Anyone,  I  guess,  has  at  one  time  or  other  seen 

one/ 
the  polite  Japanese  custom  of  bowing,  but/has  to  watch 

it  personally  to  get  the  full  impact  of  the  ceremony. 

We  were  absolutely  fascinated.  To  our  dull  Western 

minds  and  eyes  it  seemed  to  be  wonderfully  ridiculous. 

But  who  were  we  to  judge?  The  Chinese  peasants  in  the 


mail  train  must  have  thought  that  Annie  and  I  were  wond 
fully  ridiculous.  So  it  goes.  Anyway,  for  fully  ten 
minutes  and  without  saying  a  single  word  the  mother 
bowed  to  her  son,  then  the  son  bowed  to  his  mother, 
then  the  sister  bowed  to  her  brother,  then  her  brother 
bowed  to  his  sister.  This  play  repeated  itself  without 


er' 


interruption  like  in  a  puppet  show 


where  the 


puppet  master  had  forgotten  to  go  on  with  the  action. 
They  bowed  and  bowed  and  we  stared  and  stared.  Their 
faces  did  not  show  any  expression.  It  seemed  to  be  serious 
business.  They  bowed  until  they  heard  the  last  call  to 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  139  - 


board  the  train.  The  son  picked  up  his  suitcase  and, 
without  looking  back  once,  he  stepped  into  our  car. 
A  few  seconds  later  he  entered  our  compartment  where 
he  swung  his  suitca^i^e  on  the  overhead  rack.  Mother  and 
sister  were  still  standing  out  .side,  but  the  young  man 
did  not  as  much  as  wave  to  them.  He  looked  at  the  two 
of  us.  Not  wanting  to  be  impolite  we  smileeat  him  in 
our  Western  ways  of  bidding  him  welcome.  That  was  a 
mistake.  CXir  smile  compelled^  the  young  man  to  respond 
by  bowing  to  us. What  could  we  do?  We  got  up  and  bowed 
to  him.  As  the  saying  goes  -  when  in  Rome  do 'as  the 
Romans  do.  The  young  man  bowed  back  again  and  we,  not 
knowing  better,  did  the  same.  Well,  Annie  never  liked 
to  be  upstaged.  She  bowed  twice  the  second  time,  so  he 
bowed  twice.  I  almost  flipped, though,  when  Annie  -  as 
if  she  were  playing  a  part  in  a  stage  play  -  bowed  to 
me.  All  right  -  if  that's  the  way  it  was  going  to  be  - 
I  bowed  to  her  and  then  we  bowed  together  to  the  young 
man  who  bowed  back  to  us .  I  wonder  now  if  we  would  have 
been  bowing  to  one  another  for  ten  hours  all  the  way 
to  Daircn.  Luckily,  the  train  started  moving  with  a 
sudden  lurch  which  throw  us  onto  our  seats.  That  was 
the  end  of  our  acquaintance  with  the  young  Japanese 
fellow.  He  never  as  much  as  looked  at  us  again.  We 
didn't  exchange  a  single  word.  I  missed  our  friendly 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  1  lO  - 


% 


Ottokar  who  had  welcomed  us  to  the  Far  East.  The  old 

peasant  probably  could  neither  read  nor  write,  but  he 

had  a  heart  of  gold.  He  had  felt  our  loneliness  and 

so  he  had  talked  to  us.  We  instinctively  knew  that  all 

he  wanted  was  to  be  kind.  He  probably  loved  people,  all 

sorts  of  people,  even  foreign  devils  like  us.  He  was 

loufi  ,as/ 
satisfied  asfhe  could  fill  his  stomach  every  day,  had 

a  place  to  sleep  and  some  people  to  talk  to.  It  occurred 

to  me  if  our  Ottokar  would  have  been  the  emperor  of  Man=» 

chukuo,  he  wouldn't  have  drawn  the  window  shades  in  his 

have/ 
train.  He  would /waved  to  his  people.  He  was  a  kind,  old 

man  who  had  no  need  to  bow  with  ceremonial  politeness. 

He  was  a  link  between  West  and  East  for  us . But  not  so 

this  young  man  who  quite  obviously  came  from  a  higher 

class  of  society  than  our  Ottokar.  By  bowing  to  us  he 

had  just  followed  the  custom  of  his  people,  the  same 

as  we  doff  our  hats  or  nod  to  one  another.  Unlike  the 

simple,  old  peasant  Ottokar  this  young  and  probably  well 

educated  man  was  aware  of  the  difference  in  our  cultures 

as  well  as  of  the  language  barrier.  And  so  were  we  in  his 

presence.  For  ten  hours  we  shared  the  same  compartment, 

breathed  the  same  air,  but  neither  he  nor  we  made  an 


f 


attempt  to  get  acquainted.  There  was  no  charisma  between 
us,  this  extra-ordinary  mental  power  which  so  easily 
links  the  minds  and  emotions  of  people. 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing   came   of    it! 


-  141  - 


At  last  our  traveling  on  trains  ended  in 
Daircn.  or^ as  it  is  better  known^r  at  the  Yellow  Sea 
naval  base  of  Port  Arthur  on  the  Liaotung  Peninsula. 
We  unloaded  our  suitcases  a'Xd  piled  them  up  on  the  plat  = 
form  as  we  had  done  before.  We  missed  our  friend  Karl 
Holz.  It  was  nine  in  the  morning  and  the  boat  for  Shang=* 
hai  was  supposed  to  leave  at  noon.  I  had  to  go  into  town 
to  have  our  reservation  confirmed  at  the  Japanese  steam= 
ship  office.  Once  more  and  with  a  heavy  hearc^  I  had  to 
leave  Annie  at  the  railway  station  in  charge  of  our 
baggage.  Timothy  and  1  took  a  taxi.  Without  Holz  I  had 
no  other  choice  to  find  my  way.  The  /^ip  to  and  fro  cost 
us  another  dollar.  Our  boat  reservation  was  manifested 
all  right,  but  the  news  that  the  ship  had  left  at  eight 
in  the  mo/^ning  instead  of  at  noon  as  scheduled  almost 
floored  me.  We  had  to  stay  in  Dairen  for  fully  three  days 
until  the  departure  of  the  next  Shanghai  bound  ship.  How 
the  heck  could  we  do  it  without  spending  whatever  money 
we  had  left? 

Holz  told  us  later  that  the  Shanghai-bound  steamers 
often  left  early  so  thatthe  train  passengers  missed  the 
connection  and  had  to  stay  in  a  hotel  for  three  days.  He 

didn't  know  for  sure,  but  the  way  he  figured  it  was  that 

« 
possibly  the  steamship  L/ne  got  a  pay-off  from  the  hotel 

owners . 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  142  - 


As  we  were  to  find  out  over  the  years  of  our  travels 


4 


and  travails  each  place  -  city  or  country  -  had  her 


own 


special  brand  of  racket.  Some  of  them  -  like  the  hole  in 

the  road  to  Wusi  between  Shanghai  and  Nangking  -  were 

real  daisies.  Human  greed  doesn't  know  national  boundaries. 

Dairen  was  anything  but  a  tourist  town.  Regular  passen= 
ger  liners  did  not  stop  there.  The  hotels  could  use  the 
extra  business  of  people  stranded  for  a  number  of  days. 
Knowing  about  it,  Holz  had  spent  two  full  days  with  his 
girlfriend  in  Harbin.  The  Dutchman  with  Pfeiffer  and 
Schneider  had  done  the  same  with  three  prostitutes.  In 
contrast  to  Dairen  Harbin  was  a  wide-open  town. 

I  was  really  down  in  the  dumps  when  I  returned  to 
the  railway  station.  Poor  Orphan  Annie  was  still  sitting 


on 


our  suitcase  pile.  Each  time  I  had  to  leave  her  alone, 


Timothy  got  angry  with  me.  How  could  he  protect  her  when 
he  was  duty-bound  to  accompany  me?  It  didn't  help  any 
that  again  and  again  I  assured  him  that  Annie  could  well 
take  care  of  herself  and  that  I  considered  her  more  of  an 
angel  than  he  was. 

With  the  sweet  smile  of  a  fairy  she  looked  up  at 
me  when  she  saw  me  again.  While  I  had  worried  about  her, 
she  had  worried  about  me.  We  always  worry  about  each  other 
when  we  are  separated,  even  if  only  for  a  few  minutes.  She 
is  an  angel  with  a  knack  of  getting  acquainted  with  strange 
people  who  could  be  of  help  to  us. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    I'O    - 


Please,    don't   worryl    Nothing  came   of    it'. 


-  144  - 


The  railways  station  in  Daircn  was  the  business 
center  for  hotel  runners.  One  of  them,  a  Jewish  fellow, 
who  claimed  to  hail  from  Turkey  or  thereabouts,  had  at= 
tached  himself  to  Annie  while  I  was  gone.  She  knew  already 
about  the  disaster  that  we  had  to  stay  for  three  days  in 
Dairen  (if  I  had  waited  a  little  while  I  could  have  saved 
the  taxi  fare)  and  had  made  all  the  arrangements  neces= 
sary  with  this  man.  He  spoke  Yiddish  and  Annie  understood 
roost  of  what  he  said  while  he  understood  most  of  Annie's 
German.  The  gist  of  their  agreement  was  that  he  would 
take  us  to  a  brand-new  hotel  where  we  had  only  to  pay 
three  dollars  per  night.  It  sounded  somewhat  phony  to  me 
and  I  was  suspicious  of  this  fellow.  Who  could  tell  to 
what  kind  of  a  hovel  he  would  take  us?  He  might  even  be 
a  white  slave  trader.  After  I  got  my  throat  cut,  he  could 
sell  Annie  for  what  she  was  worth.  For  a  second  I  was 
determined  to  get  rid  of  him,  but  then  I  realized  that 
as  usual  I  had  a  hell  of  a  macabre  imagination.  It's  one 
of  the  side-effects  one  had  to  endure  when  one  believes 
to  be  a  writer,  mixing  reality  with  phaiy^:asy.  Winston 
Churchill  had  said  something  about  the  truth  being  so 
precious  that  it  had  to  be  surrounded  by  lies.  I  could 
do  no  better  than  putting  my  trust  in  Annie's  common 
sense  and  Timothy's  protection.  However,  before  I  gave 
my  consent  I  asked,  "Does  this  brand-new  hotel  have 


bathrooms?" 

The  man  looked  at  me  as  if  I  had  personally  insulted 
him.  "Bathrooms?"  He  kissed  the  tips  of  his  fingers  with 
a  smacking  sound.  "It  has  the  most  modem  bathrooms  in 
the  world.  The  Tah  Mahal  Hotel  in  Bombay,  the  Dai  Iti 
Hotel  in  Tokyo,  or  even  the  Bernini  Hotel  in  Rome  could 
not  boast  of  better  accommodations." 

I  noticed  that  he  had  not  mentioned  any  hotel  I  might 
have  known  -  as  for  instance  the  Adlon  Hotel  in  Berlin 
or  Die  Vier  Jahreszeiten  in  Hamburg.  It  increased  my 
suspicion  although  I'm  by  nature  not  a  suspicious  charac=" 
ter.  Annie  even  insists  that  I'm  the  most  guileless  person 
in  the  world,  but  she,  of  course,  is  prejudiced  in  my  favor. 
In  regard  to  the  bathrooms,  please,  don't  worryl  Nothing 
c ame  of  i 1 1 

The  three  of  us  gathered  our  suitcases,  walked  out  of 
the  station  and  took  another  taxi  to  that  brand-new  hotel 
where  I  reluctantly  handed  the  man  a  dollar  tip  which 
understandably  he  didn't  find  very  generous.  For  a  moment 
he  stared  at  the  single  dollar  bill,  shook  his  head  in  dis= 
belief  and  muttered  in  Yiddish  something  akin  to:  "May 
your  children  pee  on  your  feet,  not  mine."  We  never  saw  a 


m 


an  disappear  so  fast  as  he.  For  a  dollar  he  wouldn't  give 


us  another  helping  hand  with  our  baggage.  The  hotel  was  a 
simple,  square  cement  building  with  no  resemblance  to  any 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of    It  I 


-    145   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  146  - 


of  the  luxurious  hostelries  he  had  mentioned.  At  least, 
he  had  not  lied  about  the  room  price.  Six  dollars  for 
two  nights . Before  we  were /through  with  Dairen  and  the 
sea  voyage  to  Shanghai  our  capital  had  shrunA'  to  twenty- 
one  dollars . 

The  Hotel  Oriental  was  brand-new  all  right.  In  fact, 
it  was  so  new  that  it  wasn't  all  finished  yet.  It  had 
modem  bathrooms,  thank  God,  beautifully  tiled  with  large 
tubs  and  everything  one  could  dream  off  -  with  the  ex=» 
caption  of  water.  The  pipes  weren't  yet  connected.  The 


all  we  could  do  was  sleeping  or  wandering  around  in 
Dairen  which  the  Chinese  called  "Talien"  and  the  Russian 
"Dalny".  Nowadays ^inc luding  the  naval  base  Port  Arthur^ 
it  has  the  name  of  "Lu-ta".  It  was  not  an  interesting 
or  impressive  city,  partly  occidental  and  partly  oriental. 
There  was  nothing  special  to  see  and  if  there  was,  we 
missed  it. 

FindXly  on  the  third  morning  we  could  board  the 

"Hoten  Maru",  a  very  small  steamship  that  didn't  instill 

didn' t  have/ 
us  with  much  confidence  to  its  sea-worthiness.  It/l 


same  applied  to  the  little  wash  basin  in  our  room.  No 


more  than  a  dozen  passenger  cabins.  Pfeiffer  and  Schneider 


water  connection  yet.  Luckily  the  flush  toilet  worked 
already,  but  that  was  the  extent  of  water  supply.  Other= 


were  already  on  board.  When  we  met  them,  they  boasted  of 

had/ 


the    good    time    they   had/in  Harbin,    but    I    didn't   l3t    th 


em 


wise  the  room  was  simply,  but  quite  nicely  furnished.  We  ^t^* 


get  into  details  in  regard  to  their  carnal  exploits  in 


wouldn't  have  cared  to  sleep  on  the  floor,  if  we  only 
could  havef*had  some  water  to  wash.  We  stayed  dirty,  and 


the  presence  of  Annie.  When  the  call  came  for  "tiffin" 
(lunch  to  you),  we  found  Holz  sitting  with  us.  He  looked 


we  had  no  choice  but  to  live  mostly  out  of  our  food  suit= 


a  little  worse  for  wear. 


cases.  The  room  clerk  managed  to  get  for  us  from  somewhere 


After  we  had  stowed  our  suitcases  away  into  our 


enough  hot  water  to  fill  our  thermos  bottle  twice  a  day 


tiny  cabin  we  made  a  dash  for  the  one  and  only  bathroom 


so  we  could  brew  ourselves  some  coffee  or  tea. 


aboard.  There  was  a  sign  on  the  door  which  read  in  several 


However^ we  had  a  nutrition  problem.  One  cannot  exist 
on  pumpernickel,  crackers,  sausage  and  cheese  alone.  We 


languages  that  the  bathroom  facilities  were  out  of  order 
for  the  duration  of  the  trip.  The  Hoten  Maru  was  in  service 


needed  some  vegetable  or  at  least  some  fruit.  We  dis» 
covered  that  one  could  buy  forty  small,  red  bananas  for 

twenty  American  cents  to  supplement  our  feeding.  Otherwise 


for  some  fifty  years  and  very  much  lacked  in  modern 
ac  c  omod  a  t  i  on  s . / 


We  still  had  no  choice  but  to  stay  dirty. 
Quite  obviously  the  gods  who  ruled  over  wasing  water  were 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-    147   - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  148  - 


in  a  conspiracy  against  us. 

The  journey  from  Dalren  to  Shanghai  took  forty- 
eight  hours,  twenty- four  of  which  we  were  seasick,  and 
I  mean  seasick.  This  little  shell  of  a  vessel  took  the 
swells  of  the  ocean  in  a  very  unkindly  manner.  She  behaved 
like  a  roller-coaster.  Up  and  down  and  down  and  up. The 
sea  was  roughf.  Not  exactly  stormy,  but  quite  close  to 
it.  This  little  steamship,  not  bigger  than  a  river  boat, 
had  to  ride  high  waves  while  we  were  lying  in  our  bunks, 
groaning  and  moaning.  Strangely  enough,  this  was  the  only 
time  I  got  seasick.  We  certainly  were  happy  when  the 
Hoten  Maru  docked  at  Tsingtao  the  next  morning.  We  had 
time  to  go  ashore  for  a  couple  of  hours. 

Tsingtao,  a  German  possession  from  1898  to  1914 
(from  the  end  of  the  boxer  rebellion  to  the  beginning 
of  the  first  world  war)  still  bore  the  marks  of  that 
period.  We  didn't  enjoy  it.  It  reminded  us  too  much  of 
the  land  from  where  we  had  fled.  The  bitterness,  until 
then  suppressed,  welled  up.  Quite  unreasonably  so.  Tsingtao, 
after  all,  was  not  to  blame  for  the  Nazis.  But  we  were 
determined  to  forget  Germany.  That  was  impossible  in 
Tsingtao  where  most  of  the  Chinese  spoke  some  sort  of 
pidgin-German.  There  were  typical  German  churches  with 

their  highl  and  pointed  steeples,  sticking  like  sharp 

toward/ 
needles/fiSSthe  sky.  Many  street  names  were  still  in 


German.  There  were  ^ggH   houses  built  in  typical  small- 
city  German  style.  Tsingtao  could  as  well  be  a  city  like 

Erfurt  for  instance,  if  it  hadn't  been  for  the  Chinese 

of/ 
population.  The  whole  atmosphere  was  thatja  provincial 

German  town  although  it  was  supposed  to  have  a  population 

of  more  than  a  million  people.  We  didn't  know  it  then,  but 

it  was  probably  the  cleanest,  most  orderly  city  in  all  of 

China.  The  truth  was,  though,  that  we  couldn't  yet  stomach 

anything  German,  even  if  it  was  only  a  facsimile.  In 

later  years  we  learned  better  than  to  condemn  an  entire 

nation  for  the  brutal  savages  who  at  that  time  /Ravaged 

the  beautiful  country  of  Germany. 

We  were  glad  to  return  to  the  Hoten  Maru  and  didn't 
look  back  on  Tsingtao  as  we  got  under  steam.  The  second 
day  of  our  short  ocean  voyage  was  much  better.  The  sea 
was  calm.  No  more  malade-de-mer. 

The  next  morning  we  reached  the  more  than  a  mile  wide 
estuary  of  the  Yang  tze-Kiang  or  Yellow  River  and  two 
hours  later  the  ship  turned  into  its  tributary*^ the  Whang- 
poo,  on  the  shores  of  which  Shanghai  is  situated. 

The  Hoten  Maru  had  not  yet  fastened  to  its  wharf  when 
she  was  literally  invaded  by  hordes  of  wildly  shouting 
and  running  coolies,  all  of  them  intent  on  grabbing  our 
precious  suitcases.  If  it  had  not  been  for  Karl  Holz, 
coming  to  our  rescue  and  taking  charge,  we  would  have  been 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  tt! 


-    149    - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing   came   of    it  I 


-  150  - 


overwhelmed  and  defeated.  Neither  Annie  nor  I  could  act 

fast  enough  to  retrieve  our  <?ases.  Until  Holz  appeared 

on  the  scene  we  fought  a  losing  battle.  Wc  were  bewildered, 

exhausted  and  absolutely  helpless.  How  could  we  know  that 

all  these  poor  devils  wanted  was  to  earn  a  few  coppers  for 

carrying  our  baggage  to  the  custom  shed.  To  us  they  looked 

like  a  gang  of  robbers   intent  on  piracy.  Holz  with  a  few 

Chinese  swear  words  got  the  rabble  under  control.  He  picked 

three  coolies  who  took  our  suitcases  to  the  customs  and 

from  there  to  a  taxi  for  which  Holz  paid  each  one  of  them 

two/ 
five  coppers  or  less  than/f^  American  cenDfl 

During  our  fight  with  the  coolies  Timothy  lost  his 
head  altogether.  He  against  several  dozens  of   wild  men 
was  too  much  for  him.  He  got  unnerved.  In  fact,  he  was 
ready  to  call  it  quits  then  and  there.  Forgetting  his 
celestial  status,  he  began  to  swear  like  a  drunken  sailor, 
something  a  good  angel  was  never  allowed  to  do.  He  was 
totally  out  of  his  mind  and  believed  that  these  yelling, 
fighting,  dirty  coolies  were  emissaries  from  hell.  He  was 
beseeching  heaven  for  help,  but  only  Karl  Holz  materialized, 
and  one  could  hardly  call  him  a  celestial  warrior.  Timothy 
never  told  me  what  kind  of  penance  he  had  to  do  for  his 
swearing. 

While  we  were  busy  with  getting  our  suitcases  through 
customs,  Pfetffer  and  Schneider  waved  us  good-bye,  and  that 


was  the  last  time  we  saw  our  "friend"  Pfeiffer.  We  never 
succeeded  in  tracing  him  and  he  never  contacted  us  to 


repay  his  debt* 


Res  ipsa  loquitor  -  the  thing 


speaks  for  itself.  Or,  as  Elbert  Hubbard  wrote:  "Life 
is  one  damned  thing  after  another."  or,  as  I  said  -  we 
had  been  conned.  We  had  to  begin  a  new  life  with  the 
twenty  dollars  we  had  left. 

At  last  we  truly  had  arrived  in  the  Far  East.  Yet, 
as  we  were  to  learn^ Shanghai  was  not  China  as  New  York 
is  not  the  United  States  of  America. 


Please,    don't   worry!    Nothing   came   of    iti 


-  152  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  ttl 


-    151    - 


CHAPTER    FIVE 


SHANGHAI    -    UWEU   SHE    STILL  WAS    SH/\NGHAI  . 


The  arrival  at  any  strange  port 

of  destination  may  evoke  all  sorts  of  emotions,  curiosity 

perhaps,  or  thrill,  or  joy,  depending  on  what  you  are, 

whom  you  expect  to  meet,  or  what  you  intend  to  do.  Shang= 

hai  was  our  first  port  of  destination  and  the  total  of 

our  emotions  was  a  feeling  of  insecurity.  We  were  neither 

tourists  nor  on  a  business  trip,  nor  were  we  visiting 

relatives  or  friends.  We  had  no  job  awaiting  us.  We  were 

penniless  refugees«,exiles ,  emigrants,  or  whatever  you 

will  call  it.  We  were  two  lost  people,  deprived  of  our 

past  and  utterly  unsure  of  our  future. 

No  one  was  expecting  us  and  perhaps  we  were  not  even 

wanted.  No  one  ha&  promised  us  a  livelihood  or  even  an 

existence.  All  we  possessed  were  our  miserable  thirteen 

suitcases,  two  entry-visas  with  no  promises  attached  to 

them  and  about  twenty  dollars  in  cash.  We  had  to  flee 

for  our  lives  from  the  land  of  our  birth.  We  had  left 

behind  a  way  of  living  to  which  we  had  been  accustomed. 

We  had  been  separated  from  our  relatives  and  our  friends. 

Whatever  we  had  achieved  and  acquired,  professionally  and 

materially,  in  years  of  hard  work  was  irretrievably  lost. 

To  sum  it  up,  on  the  day  we  reached  Shanghai  we  were  nothing, 
but  still  alive  -  and  that  was  something  for  which  we  had 
to  be  very  grateful  under  the  circumstances.  And  so  we  were. 


We  had  not  a  single  compact  idea  of  how  and  where  to  start 
a  new  life.  Having  been  actors  and  in  my  case  also  a  writer 
we  were  bound  -  for  some  time,  at  least  -  to  the  German 
language  which  would  be  of  little  help  to  us.  We  had  to 
learn  a  new  language  and  this  Babel  of  the  Far  East  was 
a  place  of  many  tongues  -  Chinese,  English,  French.  Portu« 
guese,  Russian  and  many  more. 

The  naked  truth  was  that  two  poor  refugees  would  not 
arouse  mm   interest  in  a  city  where  poor  refugees  were 
abound.  Thousands  and  thousands  of  Russians  had  fled  to 
Shanghai  after  the  Soviet  Republic  had  been  declared  a 
workers'  paradise.  Many  of  them  had  come  and  few  had  been 
able  to  make  even  a  scant  living.  We,  Annie  and  I,  were 
like  driftwood,  thrown  onto  a  strange  beach,  not  knowing 
if  anyone  would  care  to  pick  us  up.  We  were  like  fish  out 
of  water  who  had  to  learn  how  to  breathe. 

Timothy,  being  sure  that  we  had  arrived  in  hell, 
simply  collapsed  in  the  taxi.  The  three  of  us  were  so 
dazed  that  we  were  unable  to  see,  hear,  or  talk  -  like 
the  throe  ],gendary  monkeys. We  were  deaf  and  dumb,  dead- 
tired  and  very,  very  dirty.  We  had  no  first  impression 
whatsoever  of  this  most  exciting,  most  international, 
most  outrageous  metropolis.  We  later  did  not  remember 
how  we  got  to  the  Holz  residence.  We  were  so  bewildered 
and  lost  that  Karl  Holz  could  have  kidnaped  us,  done  away 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing   came   of   It  I 


-  153  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  154  . 


with  us  without  meeting  any  resistance.  This  was  the  only 
time  where  Timothy  might  have  failed  to  protect  us.  He 
admitted  it  later  and  shuddered  at  what  would  have  happen=* 
ed  to  him.  He  certainly  would  have  been  condemned  to  hell's 
fire.  He  was  in  a  state  of  shock  for  the  first  and  last 
time.  Whenever  later  I  reminded  him  of  it,  he  flew  into 
a  rage  that  must  have  cost  him  some  demerits  in  his 
heavenly  account. 

Holz  had  told  us  that  his  parents  lived  in  a  house 
which  was  situated  in  an  alley  off  Avenue  Haig  in  the 
French  Concession.  Well,  when  the  taxi  came  to  a  stop 
at  the  narrow  alley,  Holz  climbed  out  over  all  our  gear 
and  advised  us  to  stay  in  the  taxi  until  after  he  had 
talked  to  his  parents.  They  didn't  even  know  that  he 
was  coming  home.  So  we  waited  and  waited,  anxiously  watch= 
ing  the  ticking  meter.  We  didn't  know  that  one  couldn't 
pay  in  cash  for  a  taxi  ride. 

In  fact,  the  employment  of  a  taxi  in  Shanghai  was 
absolute  unique.  Only  at  wharfs,  when  passenger  boats 
arrived,  were  waiting  taxis  allowed.  Otherwise  no  one 
could  hail  a  taxi  on  the  street  because  kidnaping  was 
a  great  sport  in  Shanghai.  Besides,  the  Shanghai  taxi 
companies  wouldn't  trust  any  of  their  drivers  to  accept 
money.  Cheating  was  also  a  great  sport.  The  occupant  of 


month  was  presented  with  a  total  bill  which  he  either 
paid  to  the  money  collectors  (compradores ,  as  they  were 
called)  or  directly  to  the  companies.  If  one  wanted  a 
taxi,  one  had  to  phone  one  of  the  taxi  companies  to  send 
one.  They  in  turn  told  you  the  license  number  of  the  car 
to  assure  you  that  everything  was  on  the  up  and  up.  Non- 
residents like  us  could  not  sign  chits.  The  Holzes  had 
to  do  that  for  us  and  we  would  re-imburse  them. 

Almost  ten  minutes  passed  before  Karl  emerged  again 
from  the  house.  That  ticking  money  meter  had  gotten  so 
much  on  my  nerves  that  I  could  have  screamed.  Annie  was 
so  tired  that  she  scarcely  could  keep  her  eyes  open.  I 
nudged  her,  and  we  both  looked  anxiously  at  our  friend 
as  he  slowly  approached  us.  The  expression  on  his  face 
was  not  very  encouraging.  He  put  his  head  into  the  car 
window  and  told  us  that  his  father  had  died  while  he  was 
on  his  way  back  home. 

We  somehow  expressed  our  sympathy,  but  the  news  were 
like  a  dash  of  cold  water  on  our  hopes.  What  would  happen 
now?  If  we  wouldn't  get  the  room  in  Holz's  house,  where 
were  we  going  to  go?  What  were  we  going  to  do  in  this 
fear- inspiring  city?  We  had  not  enough  money  for  a  hotel, 
or  probably  no  more  than  for  a  few  days. 

Karl  must  have  seen  the  expression  of  apprehension 


a  taxi  had  to  sign  a  chit  and  then  at  the  end  of  each 


on  our  faces.  He  smiled  and  assured  us  not  to  worry. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  155  - 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  oC    It  I 


-  156  - 


"Mother  has  a  small  attic  room  which  she's  willing 
to  rent  to  you.  She  wants  twenty  Shanghai  dollars  a  month 
for  it/ 

Twenty  Shanghai  dollars  were  about  sven  American 
dollars  and  after  paying  the  taxi  fare  we  would  have 
about  ten  dollars  left,  enough  to  get  us  through  the 


first  few  weeks  if  we  skimped  as  far  as  eating  was  c 


on= 


cerned.  Karl  signed  the  chit  for  the  taxi  and  we  gave  him 
three  dollars  plus  a  twenty  cents  tip  for  the  driver. 
What  can  one  say  to  a  strange  woman  who  just  had 
lost  her  husband?  We  managed  to  tell  her  how  sorry  we 
were,  and  we  thanked  her  for  letting  us  have  the  room. 
We  paid  her  the  rent  for  one  month,  and  she  without  say= 
ing  a  word  led  us  up  a  narrow  staircase  to  the  attic.  She 
was  a  tiny,  kind  of  dried-up  woman  whose  eyes  seemed  to 
have  gone  dead.  Karl  and  I  took  the  suitcases  and  lueced 


them  up. 


It  was  a  small  room  all  right,  not  larger  than  six 
feet  wide  and  twelve  feet  long.  There  were  two  iron  beds 
with  patched-up  mosquito  nets  and  no  more  than  half  a  foot 
passage  between  them.  At  the  window  stood  a  little,  rickety 
table  and  two  narrow  wooden  chairs.  That  was  all.  We  had 
to  leave  our  suitcases  outside  in  the  hall  where  we  were 
give/the  use  of  an  old-fashioned  wardrobe.  Mrs.  Holz  also 
allowed  Annie  to  use  the  kitchen  on  the  ground  floor. 


After  a  while  I  began  to  call  our  room  our  prison 
cell,  for  that  was  about  the  size  of  it.  Yet,  at  the 


mome 


nt  we  were  very  grateful  for  having  a  roof  over 


our  head.  A  floor  down  below  was  the  bathroom  which  we 
had  to  share  with  another  roomer  and  Karl.  We  took  a 
cake  of  soap  and  two  towels  out  of  one  of  the  suitcases 
as  well  as  our  pajamas  and  robes  and  then  headed  straight 
for  the  bathroom,  that  is  the  very  moment  we  were  left 
to  ourselves. 

Yes,  indeed,  the  bathroom  had  a  large,  old-fashioned 
tub,  spacy  enough  for  the  two  of  us,  hot  and  cold  running 
water  and  as  soon  as  it  was  halfway  filled  up  we  stepped 
into  it.  We  just  sat  down  and  soaked   as  happy  as  two 
children  who  had  received  the  most  wanted,  the  most 
wonderful,  the  most  expensive  Christmas  present.  HqC 
water  -  what  a  luxury!  Hct  water  after  sixteen  days  of 
almost  no  water.  Who  can  ever  imagine  the  joy  we  ex= 
perienced?  Three  times  we  let  the  dirty  water  run  out 
and  fresh  one  fill  up  the  tub  again  i 

For  one  full  hour  we  soaked  and  soaped  and  rinsed. 
What  a  feast  1  At  last  we  scrubbed  and  cleansed  the  tub, 
put  on  our  pajamas  and  robes,  picked  up  our  clothes  and 
soiled  underwear  and  climbed  up  to  our  room.  It  was  still 
daytime,  but  we  went  to  bed,  and  we  still  could  feel  the 
sway  of  the  ocean  in  us .  A  bath  and  a  bed.  Whoever  would 


Please,  don't  worry.'  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  157  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  158  - 


think  they  could  be  precious  luxuries?  To  us  they  were 
on  this  first  day  and  night  in  Shanghai.  We  were  deter- 
mined not  to  move  until  the  following  morning.  Just  rest 
and  sleep  and  if  possible  not  think,  if  that  would  be 
attainable.  As  usual  Annie  prayed  for  the  two  of  us, 
thanking  God  for  the  long,  safe  journey  from  Hamburg  to 
Shanghai,  for  the  bath  and  the  room.  We  had  had  a  sub= 
stantial  breakfast  on  the  Hoten  Maru  and  that  would  have 
to  suffice  until  the  next  day.  We  were  not  yet  altogether 
destitute.  Our  rent  was  paid  for  a  full  month.  We  still 
had  about  ten  dollars  left  as  well  as  a  few  vittels  in 
our  food  suitcase.  In  the  morning  we  would  contemplate 
our  future,  if  we  had  one. 

Timothy,  too,  was  relatively  happy  because  we  had 
found  lodgings  with  a  decent  German  woman.  He  had  been 
quite  apprehensive  that  we  might  have  to  live  with  a 
Chinese  "heathen"  family,  a  thought  that  had  disturbed 
him  despite  the  fact  that  he  had  assured  me  many  times 
that  a  guardian  angel  was  not  supposed  to  have  any  pre= 
judices.  No  wonder  that  he  still  was  on  probation  in 
heaven. 

Annie,  after  ending  her  prayer,  fell  asleep  from  one 
second  to  the  next.  She  can  do  that  any  time. 


One  may  well  ask  how  it  feels  to  be  a 
poor  refugee  in  a  strange  country,  a  strange  city  among 
strange  people  who  speak  a  strange  tongue  or  many  strange 
tongues?  One  may  also  ask  how  one  manages  to  survive  with= 
out  any  money  to  speak  of  and  no  real  prospect  of  earning 
some?  One  may  ask  how  deeply  it  hurts  to  have  been  torn 
from  one's  family  and  friends,  from  one's  life-work, 
one's  career  and  projected  future?  One  may  ask  how  one 
does  suppress  one's  bitterness  for  a  nation  that  has 
forced  innocent  people  to  all  the  misery  of  being  persons 
without  a  country?  One  may  ask  and  ask  many  questions, 
but  who  wants  to  hear  the  answers?  One  may  ask  about 
the  heartbreak  when  one  has  to  walk  out  of  one's  life, 
out  of  one's  home,  leaving  behind  everything  one  has 
owned  in  order  to  escape  a  fate  which  to  contemplate 
was  almost  impossible?  One  may  ask  again  how  one  can 
start  to  build  a  new  life,  a  new  career  without  for= 
getting  the  lost  years  of  ambition  and  work?  But  one 
has  to  forget  or  one  never  will  be  able  to  start  living 
again. 

Well,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  sisters  and  brothers, 
i^body  ever  asked  any  of  these  questions.  During  this 
first  night  in  Shanghai  I  alone  did  ask  them.  I  did  not 
have  the  capacity  to  fall  asleep  like  Annie  although  I 


felt  as  exhausted  and  tired  as  she  has  been.  She  could 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   it  I 


-    159    - 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    it  I 


-  160  - 


sleep  under  any  circumstances,  but  not  I.  I  always  had 
been  a  poor  sleeper  and  now  I  was  lying  awake  in  this 
narrow,  sparsely  furnished  attic  room  under  a  mosquito 
net  which  needed  washing.  By  some  miracle  we  had  landed 
in  this  room,  this  prison  cell,  which  would  be  our  home 
for  at  least  four  weeks  or  longer  if  we  could  come  up 
with  another^t  month^rcnt.  There  was  no  air-conditioning 
or  even  a  fan  to  alleviate  the  tropical,  humid  summer 
heat  and  no  heater  for  the  cold  winter  days.  My  reso= 
lution  not  to  think  about  our  situation  had  been  in  vain. 

All  of  a  sudden  it  hit  me.  It  really  did  hit  me 
hard  like  a  heavy  blow  on  the  head  that  I  had  only 
questions  and  not  a  single  answer.  I  fell  into  the 
deepest  well  of  depression  and  could  not  see  any  way 
how  to  crawl  out  of  it.  It  was  not  my  nature  to  be  de= 
pressed  ever,  at  least  not  for  any  length  of  time,  and 
I  should  have  known  that  by  morning  I  would  be  all  right 
again.  I  was  not  the  kind  of  man  to  give  up  the  fight, 
even  when  buried  under  a  heap  of  adversities.  I  always 
had  been  a  fighter,  a  rebel,  a  non-conformist,  a  doer, 
neither  an  extro-  nor  an  introvert,  but  somewhere  in- 
between  -  an  ambivert. 

To  me  the  worst  crime  a  man  can  commit  is  to  cop 
out  on  himself  and  by  that  I  mean  to  give  in  and  let 


stand  up,  looking  fate  straight  into  the  eye.  He  has  to 
stand  up,  not  only  for  his  human  rights,  but  also  for  the 
preservation  of  his  human  dignity.  No  amount  of  money,  no 
material  advantages  of  any  kind,  no  mere  pot,sonal  ambitions 
can  guarantee  his  human,  ethical  rights  and  his  dignity 
as  a  person.  The  poorest  fellow  in  the  world  is  able  to 
preserve  his  human  dignity  and  rights  if  he  refuses  to 
drivel,  and  the  richest  man  could  fail  if  he  succumbs  to 
selfishness,  greed,  and  a  criminal  tendency  to  cheat  the 
other  fellow  of  the  piece  of  cake  that  does  not  belong  to 
him.  I  don't  think  that  I  ever  copped  out  on  myself.  I 
gladly  paid  the  price  for  it  by  not  expecting  and  not 
achieving  financial  success,  but  be  satisfied  with 
spiritual  and  mental  happiness. 

\'Jhen   on  that  first  night  as  an  exile  in  Shanghai  I 
fell  into  this  deep  well  of (pression ,  I  nevertheless  knew 
intuitively  that  it  would  not  last  because  it  did  not 
affect  my  determination  to  preserve  my  dignity  as  a 
human  being.  I  could  never  drivel  for  favors  or  beg 
for  charity  which  I  could  accept  only  if  it  was  given  to 
me  voluntarily  out  of  the  goodness  of  some  one's  heart. 
This  subconscious  knowledge,  I  think,  saved  me  from  drown- 
ing during  these  unhappy  hours. 

I  tried  to  assess  the  professional  and  mental  re- 


himself  to  be  trampled  underfoot.  A  man  has  always  to 


sources  we  had  and  upon  which  we  could  build  a  new  life. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    161    - 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   iti 


-  162  - 


It  was  a  vain  attempt  since  I  came  up  with  nothing  concrete 
CXir  situation  seemed  to  be  hopeless,  and  for  once  God  was 
far  away  from  me.  I  could  not  reach  Him.  Suddenly  I  was 
gripped  by  an  attack  of  claustrophobia  as  if  I  was  con= 
fined  in  a  room  without  an  exit.  I  believed  that  the  closed 
door  could  never  be  opened  again.  I  felt  paralyzed,  unable 
to  get  up  and  try  the  door.  I  forgot  that  there  didn't 
exist  a  problem  which  could  not  be  solved  as  long  as  one 
retained  faith  in  God.  But  where  was  God? 

Indeed,  during  these  hours  I  was  a  lonely  refugee. 
So  lonely  that  I  saw  black  and  nothing  but  black,  unniind= 
ful  of  the  fate  I  had  escaped  from,  a  Nazi  concentration 
camp  and  a  tortured  death.  This  was  despair  at  its  worst 
manifestation.  It  never  happened  to  me  again,  and  I  think 


if  Annie  had  not  fallen 


into  a  deep,  exhausted 


sleep,  if  we  could  have  talked  it  all  out  then  and  there, 

I  would  not  have  lost  my  mental  equilibrium.  Thank  God, 

she  never  has  failed  me  and  neither  would  she  have  failed 
me  that  miserable  night. 


There  is  no  percentage  in  worrying  other 
than  that  it  inflicts  self-induced  wounds  and  sometimes 
leaves  mental  scars  similar  to  those  from  physical  surgery. 
The  first  black  night  in  Shanghai  left  such  a  scar  in  my 
mind.  By  worrying  one  inflates  any  trouble  one  might  have 


or  only  ant icipatcs .More  often  than  not  worries  are  not 
rooted  in  rationalism  -  as  quite  often  hope  is  not,  although 
it  is  so  much  better  to  live  with  hope  despite  f>^equent 
disappointments  than  with  worries.  Believe  me,  most  of 
the  time  you'll  say  afterwards:  Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing 


came 


of  it.  Now  that  I've  reached  a  mature  age  I've  taught 


myself  to  bar  worries  as  well  as  hope  from  my  mind.  I  let 
destiny  take  its  course  and  feel  so  much  happier  for  it. 

I  did  not  tell  Annie  of  my  desperation  the  next  morning. 
By  then  I  had  pushed  it  into  some  of  the  deep  recesses  of 
what  Dr.  A.T.W.  Simeons  calls:  "Man's  Presumptious  Brain", 
a  book  which  I  could  not  know  then  because  it  had  not  yet 
been  written.  It  was  to  be  published  in  1961  and  should 
be  read  by  anyone  who  can  read. 

"Psychosomatic  ailments  account  for  the  bulk  of  urban 
man's  ill  health  and  are  the  most  frequent  cause  of  his 
death.  Man  shares  this  kind  of  affliction  with  no  other 
living  creature,"  so  writes  Dr.  Simeons.  Worries  and  fears 
are  most  often,  if  not  always,  the  cause  of  psychosomatic 

ailments . 

It  was  and  is  hardly  possible  to  worry  or  harbor  fears 
with  a  wife  like  Annie  at  one's  side.  She  was  and  is  the 
kind  of  woman  who  never  falls  victim  to  moodiness.  We  had 
a  very  hard  time  during  these  first  months  in  Shanghai, 
but  Annie  had  and  still  has  a  way  of  being  what  the  Germans 


Please,  don't  worry:  Nothing  came  of  It: 


-  163  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  16A  - 


calif.-Frlsh  und  frohlich".  which  can  be  translated  in  many 
ways,  either  as  "fresh  and  gay",  or  as  "lively  and  happy", 
or  as  facing  life  at  its  worst  moments  with  an  undaunted 
optimism  and  courage. 

Of  course,  she  got  herself  a  job  before  I  did  and  made 
a  success  of  it  with  all  the  odds  against  her.  The  first 
barrier  we  had  to  surmount  was  to  acquire  sufficient  know= 
ledge  of  the  English  language  before  we  could  expect  to 
land  a  job.  In  the  Orient  foreigners  are  excluded  from 
menial  work.  The  natives  did  it  for  pennies  where  we 
needed  dollars. 

Whatever  EngUsh  we  had  learned  in  school  was  mostly 
forgotten  and  what  we  had  retained  did  not  suffice.  We  had 
not  only  to  learn  speaking,  reading  and  writing  EngUsh, 
but  also  thinking  in  it.  Besides,  we  had  to  overcome  a 
mental  block  of  shyness  to  apply  our  newly  acquired  know= 
ledge. 

After  the  first  unpleasant  rebuff  in  our  search  for 
work.  Annie  took  the  lead.  She  urged  me.  pushed  me.  nagged 
me  to  learn  EngUsh  and  learn  it  well.  For  endless  hours 
she  worked  with  me  and  by  doing  so  she  learned/aSw  ^ 
In  her  youth  she  had  studied  to  be  a  college  teacher, 
but  instead  caught  the  stage  bug  and  had  become  an  actress. 
Something  of  these  years  of  preparation  for  the  teaching 
profession  had  been  retained  in  her.  She  was  good  at  working 


with  me.  Besides,  she  never  let  up  reminding  me  that  I 

start/ 
was  a  writer  and  I  should/writing  again,  even  if  1  still 

had  to  do  it  in  German.  So  one  day  I  began  the  book  which 

eventually  opened  the  path  to  America  for  us. 

An  uncle  of  mine  had  always  maintained  that  money 

had  the  pleasant  habit  of  coming  back  to  you.  It  was  a 

saying  we  found  amusing,  but  he  was  right  as  we  were  to 

discover  more  than  once.  There  was  a  day  before  the  first 

month  in  Shanghai  had  passed  that  we  were  down  to  fifty 

cents.  We  didn't  even  have  any  food  left  but  a  few  potatoes 

which  we  boiled  and  ate  as/they  were  ^H  what  we  considered 

our  last  supper.  What  grand-eloquent,  silly  ideas  one  can 

get  in  such  a  predicament.  Our  last  supper  -  it  almost 

made  us  feel  heroic.  Of  course,  we  could  exist  on  fifty 

American  cents  for  another  day  or  two,  but  what  was  the 

use?  We  decided  on  spending  the  money  to  see  a  movie. 

That  to  us  seemed  to  be  a  good  way  of  going  out  in  style. 

Amovie  and  then  the  finale.  The  picture  we  saw  was  "Les 

Miserabls"  with  Frederic  March  as  the  star.  It  was  a  very 

good  picture,  but  it  certainly  wasn't  the  right  one  for 

us.  The  fact  that  o^r   English  was  still  so  inadequate  that 

we  almost  didn't  understand  any  of  the  dialogue  made  us 

than/ 
more  miserable/ji  we  already  were.  What  in  the  world  were 

we  going  to  do  if  we  couldn't  even  understand  the  language 

of  a  film  which  as  a  book  was  so  familiar  to  us? 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  165  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  166  - 


We  troddcd  home  to  our  prison  cell,  crawled  into 
our  beds  and  tried  to  sleep.  After  a  while  I  heard  Annie 
chuckling. 

"What's  so  funny?"  I  asked  her. 

"We  are.  Who  else?"  she  said.  "We  had  fifty  cents 

left  and,  as  miserable  as  we're  supposed  to  be,  we  spent 

/ 

it  on  a  picture  called  'Les  Miserables ' " . 

"All  right,"  I  said,  adding  a  deep  sigh  to  underline 
my  desperation,  "maybe  that  was  kind  of  stupid,  but  what 


difference  does  it  make? 


ir 


"That's  not  what  I  meant.  If  we  had  some  sense  we 
should  have  gone  to  see  a  musical.  At  least,  we  can 
understand  music,  or  at  least  I  can,  and  perhaps  we 
would  have  laughed  now  and  then.  Besides,  we  won't 

starve,"  she  asserted  with  her  usual  optimism. 

breakfast  we/ 
The  next  morning  our  stomachs  growled  for  the/couldn' t 

have.  Annie  said,  we  should  call  an  acquaintance  of  ours 
and  ask  for  a  loan  of  a  few  dollars.  I  couldn't  do  it.  I 
couldn't  borrow  money  without  knowing  if  I  ever  could  re- 
pay it.  But  then  ray  uncle's  monetary  theory  proved  to  be 
correct  again.  As  he  had  maintained  -  money  has  the  pleasant 
habit  of  always  coming  back  to  you. 

At  ten  o'clock  the  mailman  brought  us  a  letter  from 
Prague,  Czecho-Slovakia.  It  contained  a  check  for  four 
hundred  dollars.  Through  the  good  services  of  my  older 


sister,  who  had  become  a  literary  agent  in  Stockholm, 
Sweden,  the  Prague  radio  had  bought  an  old  radio  play 
of  mine  and  had  broadcast  it.  I  had  had  no  previous 
knowledge  about  it.  My  sister  had  given  these  people  my 
address  with  the  proviso  to  forward  the  royalties  directly 
to  me  after  her  commission  cut  of  twenty  percent. 

Last  supper  -  my  foot!  Thank  God,  Annie  wasn't  and 
isn't  in  the  habit  of  saying,  "I  told  you  so".  Of  course, 
Timothy  had  to  put  in  his  two  bits.  "I  knew,  you  wouldn't 
starve  to  death,"  he  said.  "Your  time  isn't  up  yet."  I 
reproached  him,  "\^y   didn't  you  tell  me?"  After  a  moment 
of  silence  he  admitted  without  hiding  his  disappointment, 
"I  kind  of  hoped  that  I  was  wrong.  I've  had  it  with  you 
two  kids.  I  don't  like  it  here  at  all."  I  didn't  give  him 
any  further  argument.  Whether  he  liked  it  or  not,  on  four 
hundred  dollars  we  could  well  exist  for  at  least  another 
three  months.  Life  in  Shanghai  was  cheap  in  more  ways  than 


one . 


Shanghai,  when  she  still  was  Shanghai  (that 
is  before  the  Communists  changed  her  into  the  culturally, 
commercially  and  entertainingly  dullest  city  in  the  world), 
was  a  fabulous  place  of  unbelievable  contrasts,  of  frighten- 
ing wealth  and  abysmal  poverty,  of  bank  palaces  and  shabby 
shacks,  of  lustful  gayety  and  depressive  sadness,  of  all  the 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  167  - 


extremes  with  nothing  in  between.  She  was  a  city  which 
knew  little  charity  and  good  will.  She  was  a  dog-eat-dog 


city. 

Shanghai  had  been  built  on  swamp  land  and  in  a  way 
she  remained  a  swamp.  Some  of  the  larger  buildings  slowly 
sank  into  the  paludal  soil,  a  few  inches  each  yearf,  and 
in  a  manner  of  speaking  so  did  the  people  who  made  Shang= 
hai  their  permanent  residence.  If  they  lived  long  enough 
there,  they  were  stuck  like  in  quick-sand.  And  yet  Shang= 
hai  could  also  be  called  a  veritable  paradise  where  people 
were  able  to  live  the  life  of  Riley,  figuratively  and  actu= 
ally.  Even  a  man,  who  according  to  Western  standards  had 
a  modest  income,  could  afford  to  have  servants  and  imagine 
himself  a  mogul. 

Shanghai,  when  she  still  was  Shanghai,  was  no  doubt 
a  sinful,  soulless,  crazy,  horrible,  wonderful  metropolis, 
the  largest  city  in  China  -  although  she  was  basically  not 
China.  She  was  Shanghai  and  nothing  else.  She  was  the  Inter= 
national  Settlement  and  the  French  Concession  with  poverty- 
stricken  Chinese  suburbs  surrounding  them.  That  is  not  to 


say  that  the  Settlement  and  the  Concession  had  no  Chine 


se 


residents,  but  many  of  them  were  immensely  wealthy,  ex* 
ploiting  their  poor  countrymen  more  than  any  of  the  foreign* 
ers  or  "Shanghailanders"  as  they  were  called. 

Shanghai  was  built  on  the  shores  of  the  Whangpoo  River, 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  168  - 


t 


the  waters  of  which  were  contaminated  by  human  excrement. 

Shanghai  had  a  harbor  where  foreign  warships  lay  at  anchor 

and  large  passenger  liners  came  and  went,  where  Chinese 

freight  tramps  plied  their  trade,  where  little  junks  and 

sampans  ferried  back  and  forth. 

have  Rone/ 

Yes,  Shanghai  was  Shanghai,  and  if  we  could/i»  back 
there  in  time  and  place,  we  might  have  serCously  considered 
it.  Somehow  Shanghai  enters  one's  bloodstream.  Never  before 
and  never  again  will  there  be  a  city  comparable  to  the  Shang= 
hai  prior  to  the  take-over  by  the  Japanese  in  1937  and 
the  Communists  in  1949.  Now  she  is  from  all  we  read  and 
hear  as  boring  as  she  was  exciting,  as  sanitary  as  she 
was  unsanitary,  as  regimented  as  she  was  wide  open.  Her 
harbor  is  dead.  Only  the  swamp  is  still  there.  Even  after 
so  many  years  we  still  feel  that  Shanghai  was  the  most 
exhilarating  experience  during  our  travels  and  travails 
as  two  people  without  a  country.  Anyone  of  the  old  Shang=« 
hailanders  will  always  think  and  speak  of  this  Shanghai 

with  nostalgia. 

The  reality,  of  course,  was  quite  different.  Nowhere 
were  poor  people  as  much  exploited  as  in  Shanghai.  The 


ma 


sses  of  the  poor  Chinese  were  uneducated,  mostly  il= 


literate.  Few  of  them  knew  more  than  a  hundred  characters 
of  the  approximately  twenty- thousand  characters  (words  in 
other  languages)  the  Chinese  language  contains.  Few  could 


PWjWH— twwww 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    Itl 


-  169  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  170  - 


either  write  or  read.  In  Shanghai  the  ancient  Chinese 
culture  had  gone  underground.  As  far  as  they  existed, 
civilization  and  culture  were  only  a  veneer.  Nonetheless, 
she  was  a  center  of  learning  with  more  schools  and  uni=» 
versities  than  in  any  other  city  in  China.  I  told  you, 
she  was  a  city  of  unbelievable  contrasts.  She  had  many 
parks  and  recreation  grounds  -  for  foreigners  mostly.  At 
the  entrance  of  the  Public  Gardens  in  front  of  the  British 
Consulate  General  was  a  sign  which  clearly  stated:  "No 
dogs  or  Chinese  allowed".  The  Municipal  Racecourse  on 
BubbL^ngwell  Road,  approximately  the  center  of  Shanghai, 
was  not  exclusively  restricted  to  foreigners,  but  only 
well-to-do  Chinese  could  afford  to  visit  it.  Shanghai 
had  everything  and  nothing  and  I  cannot  think  of  any 
other  way  to  express  it.  Anything  was  possible  and  nothing 
probable.  People  of  all  nations  lived  together  in  a  po= 
litical  and  human  vacuum  -  like  cats  and  dogs  and  birds 
in  one  cage. 

Years  and  years  ago  an  actress  friend  of  ours  in 
Hamburg  invited  us  for  lunch  in  her  apartment.  When  we 
approached  the  building  where  she  lived  a  crowd  of  people 
were  standing  in  the  street,  looking  up  to  an  open  third 
floor  window.  There  a  big  dog  with  its  paws  on  the  sill 
was  loaning  out.  On  his  back  sat  a  cat  and  on  the  cat's 
head  perched  a  canary  bird.  All  three  were  peacefully 


looking  out,  waiting  for  their  mistress  to  ieed  them.  This 
little,  true  anecdote  actually  has  nothing  to  do  with  my 
attempt  to  explain  Shanghai,  but  in  an  odd  sort  of  way 
that  was  the  manner  of  living  there,  although  not  as  peace= 
ful  by  any  means.  She  was  simply  impossible,  consisting 
only  of  contradictions.  Shanghai,  when  she  still  was  Shang- 
hai, was  hell  and  heaven  in  one. 


You  may  well  get  impatient  to  learn  what 
really  happened  to  us  in  Shanghai  after  we  had  settled 
in  that  dingy  attic  room. Annie  claims  now  the  trouble 
was  that  nothing  in  particular  happened  to  us.  Timothy 
on  the  other  hand  insists  that  plenty  happened.  I  don't 
know.  Maybe  both  are  right  with  Annie  being  an  optimist 
and  Timothy  an  inveterate  pessimist. 

I  surely  remember  that  the  first  thing  we  did  on 
that  first  morning  was  taking  another  bath,  first  Annie 
and  then  1.  We  had  become  civilized  again,  at  least  in 
respect  to  taking  separate  baths.  While  Annie  was  down 
in  the  bathroom,  and  if  he  had  been  waiting  for  the  moment 
to  be  alone  with  me,  Timothy  exploded  into  a  kind  of  revolt. 
Apparently  guardian  angels  -  or  at  least  guardian  angels  of 
Timothy's  type  -  tcire  p/?one  to  be  as  combustible  as  men. 
He  was  riled  because  it  had  not  been  in  his  agreement,  when 
he  was  assigned  to  me.  that  he  was  to  tramp  all  over  the 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  171  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  172  - 


world.  Moreover,  he  did  not  belong  in  China,  neither  did 
he  like  the  idea  that  we  might  stay  there  for  any  length 
of  time.  He  remembered  the  old  saying,  that  West  and  East 
could  never  meet.  In  short  he  flatly  bawled  me  out  for 
immigrating  to  this  heaten-country .  He  would  put  in  an 
application  for  permission  to  resign  from  his  present 
job  with  me.  He  had  it  up  to  his  neck  and  wanted  out. 
After  letting  him  rant  for  a  while  he  got  my  goat  and  I 
told  him  to  go  to  hell.  That  was  too  much  for  him,  for 
he  knew  quite  well  that's  where  he  might  end  up  if  he 
failed  me.  Besides,  he  had  once  told  me  that  no  guardian 
angel  was  ever  released  from  his  job  during  the  life  span 
of  his  or  her  ward.  For  weeks  he  sulked  and  for  weeks  he 
refused  to  talk  to  me.  Our  relationship  became  somewhat 
strained  for  a  while. 

Well,  what  did  happen  to  us?  Annie  was  right.  In  the 
beginning  unfortunately  nothing  and  then,  as  Timothy 
maintains,  plenty  did  happen.  Although  we  had  lowered 
our  anchor,  it  took  quite  some  time  that  it  took  hold, 
at  least  strong  enough  for  us  to  believe  that  we  might 
grow  roots.  Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl  When 
at  last  we  truly  could  shed  all  our  apprehensions  in  regard 
to  making  a  living,  when  we  could  look  forward  to  a  future 
with  justified  hope  and  could  plan  for  the  next  ten  years 
of  increasing  affluence  -  all  hell  broke  loose.  We  were 


shot  at.  We  were  bombed.  We  lost  our  jobs  through  no 
fault  of  our  own  and  the  promise  of  "increasing  afflu= 
ence"  went  up  in  smoke.  Once  more  wc  had  to  flee  for  our 
lives.  -  But  I'm  getting  again  ahead  of  my  story. 

Of  course,  we  two  -  or  three  if  we  want  to  include 
Timothy  (and  I've  got  to)  -  weren't  the  first  refugees, 
or  as  I  like  to  call  them:  People  without  a  country,  in 
the  history  of  mankind.  However,  it  is  in  the  nature  of  man 
to  take  one's  own  troubles  and  misfortunes  quite  personal. 
We  were  little  concerned  about  being  the  first  or  last 
persons  without  a  country.  The  fact  remained  that  we  had 
landed  in  a  strange  country  and  a  strange  city  among  strange 
people  whose  language  we  didn't  understand  and  whose  habits 
were  alien  to  us.  We  were  faced  with  harsh  and  hard  reali= 
ties.  After  all,  what  good  was  our  successful  flight  from 
Nazi-Germany  if  we  perished  now  from  starvation?  Like 
anywhere  else  we  had  to  eat,  we  had  to  pay  our  rent.  We 
needed  basic  necessities  and  without  work,  paid  work,  we 
would  have  nothing  of  the  sort.  Where  could  we  find  work 
and  what  kind  of  work  could  we  do?  We  both  were  still  tied 
to  C\\c    language  which  didn't  do  us  any  good  in  Shanghai. 
Foolish,  as  youth  is  bound  to  be,  I  had  not  U^itened  to 
my  father's  advice  to  learn  a  trade  regardless  of  what 
kind  of  profession  I  would  choose.  He  had  claimed  -  and 
rightly  so  -  that  by  having  learned  a  trade  to  fall  back 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  173  - 


upon  one  would  not  be  lost  anywhere  in  the  world.  Yet  - 
as  many  of  us  learn  in  a  span  of  a  lifetime  -  if  the 
need  arises,  a  human  being  has  more  resources  than  he 
can  dream  of.  In  the  course  of  our  years   as  persons  wlth« 
out  a  country,  and  even  later  when  at  last  we  had  come  to 
America,  I  worked  in  a  lot  of  different  jobs,  although  I 

hadn't  been  prepared  for  any  of  them.  I  worked  as  a  ball=* 

__and"/ 
room  manager,  a  hotel  manager,  a  five^ten- cents  store 

manager,  a  packer,  a  shipping  clerk,  an  assistant  manager 

in  textile  firms,  an  egg  gatherer  and  candler  on  a  chicken 

farm  to  name  only  some  -  until  finally  and  happily  I  had 

my/ 
no  choice  but  to  return  to/first,  true  love  -  writing, 

although  in  my  spare  time  I  always  had  kept  my  hand  at 

it.  Serious  and  chronic  illness  made  it  impossible  for 

me  to  do  anything  else,  and  it  mattered  little  whether  I 

was  successful  or  not  in  my  literary  endeavours.  It  kept 

my  mind  occupied  and  left  me  little  time  to  brood  over  my 

incapacities  or  feel  sorry  for  myself.  I  never  was  good 

at  self-pity  anyway.  Writing  is  hard  and  lonely  work,  but 

it  leaves  one  free  to  do  it  at  one's  own  time  and  without 

the  pressure  of  being  bossed  -  unless  one  sells  one's  soul 

to  the  devils  of  advertising  agencies  or  film  makers. 

That  first  morning  in  Shanghai  we  had  but  one  asset  - 


and  that  was  the  address  of  another  refugee  from  Hamburg, 
a  physician  who  had  left  Germany  with  his  family  just 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-  174  - 


» 


before  Hitler  seized  power.  And  as  it  turned  out  -  it 
mostly  turns  out  the  same  way  -  my  depressive  worrying 


like  all  worrying  was  as  futile  as  trying  to  fill 
leaky  backet  with  water. 


a 


Daphne  du  Maurier  in  her  book  "Frenchman's 
Creek"  wrote:  "Those  who  live  a  normal  life  in  this  world 
of  ours  are  forced  into  habits,  into  customs,  into  a  rule 
of  life  that  eventually  kills  all  initiative,  all  spon= 
taneity.  A  man  becomes  a  cog  in  the  wheel,  part  of  a 


system. 


II 


We   certainly  were    spared    the   boredom  of    leading   a 

had/    opportunity/ 
normal    life.    We    never   had/much/cSftHt    for    it.WHHpi 

Events  in  Germany  after  the  lost  first  world  war,  which 

in  its  train  brought  deprivation,  inflation,  mass-unem=* 

ployment,  militant  uprisings  from  the  extremists  of  the 

left  and  right, did  not  encourage  us  to  become  either  a 

cog  in  the  wheel  or  part  of  the  system  -  or  as  it  has 

been  dubbed  nowadays  -  the  establishment . Coming  to 

Shanghai  the  way  we  did  was  not  opportune  either  for 

acquiring  regular  habits,  and  we  better  kept  our  initia- 

tive  well  oiled  if  we  wanted  to  keep  our  heads  above  water. 

Of  course,  we  did  not  starve  to  death,  although  we  came 

close  to  it  occasionally.  The  truth  is  that  we  could 

have  made  a  regular  fortune  if  it  had  not  been  for  the 
Japanese  invading  Shanghai  in  1937.  I  only  can  repeat: 


Please,    don*t  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  175  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it: 


-  176  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 

The  trouble  J  I  encounter  in  writing  about  our  cx= 
periences  of  that  time^  I  can  compile  into  the  one  question: 
How  in  the  name  of  all  the  gods  and  devils,  saints  and 
sinners  can  I  manage  to  explain  life  in  a  city  like 
Shanghai  when  she  still  was  Shanghai?!  mean,  how  can  1 
make  it  possible  for  you  to  feel  the  specific  atmosphere 
of  this  extra-ordinary  city,  the  many  smells,  ranging  all 
the  way  from  the  burnt  incense  in  temples  to  the  carts, 
in  which  human  excrement*  was  collected  for  fetilizer, 
the  peculiar  sounds  and  noises,  emanating  from  the  great 
variety  of  people,  from  the  poorest  coolies  to  the  wealthiest 
men  in  the  world,  from  the  lives  of  socially  accepted  taxi- 


dancers  to  the  puritanistic  British  society  ladies,  fro 


m 


the  waddle  huts  to  the  bank  palaces  and  to  our  ears  dis= 
cordant  Chinese  music  from  over-amplified  radios  or  record- 


players  in  open  Chinese  stores  to  attract  customers?  Unle 


ss 


I  devote  a  whole  book  to  it,  Shanghai,  when  she  still 


was 


Shanghai,  simply  defies  description.  I  only  can  try  my 
best  to  acquaint  you  with  this  unique  city  while  I'm  tell= 
ing  you  our  personal  story  which,  of  course,  is  the  actual 
purpose  of  this  book. 

One  factor  came  home  to  us  before  anything  else  -  we 
had  to  change  our  modus  vivendi  in  many  ways.  None  of  our 
previous  habits,  customs,  experiences  were  of  much  use  to 


us.  We  learned  fast.  To  give  a  small  instance,  we  learned 

never  to  wait  on  a  street  aisle  for  the  streetcar  if  we 

did  not  want  to  be  spit  or  urinated  at.  I'm  not  kidding. 

There  was  nothing  personal  about  it.  People  just  spat 

through  the  open  streetcar  windows  without  looking,  or 

mothers  were  holding  out  their  babies  when  they  had  to 

c^o   a   certain  wet  business.  We  had  to  learn  -  another 

small  instance  -  when  to  hold  one's  nose  while  driving 

in  a  rickshaw  at  night.  As  I  said,  human  excrement.,  which 

was  used  as  fertilizer  in  the  farm  fields,  were  carried 

away  in  open,  little  dung  carts.  The  smell  was  absolutely 

nauseating.  We  had  to  learn  how  to  direct  a  rickshaw  coolie 

and  not  to  pay  him  a  copper  (the  third  of  a  Shanghai  cent) 

more  or  less  than  the  ride/had  been  worth.  There  were  no 

fixed  standards  and  yet  one  had  to  know  unless  one 
didn' t  mind/ 
/CO  De  conironted  by  a  big  walla-walla,  a  trenchantly  scream^ 

ing  argument  from  the  coolie.  If  one  had  paid  less  than  he 

.1^     J   ,  paid/ 

deserved  ,  he  wanted  his  due.  If  one  had^^^ngle  copper 

too  much,  he  assumed  that  his  passenger  was  a  greenhorn 
and  could  be  co-erced  into  even  paying  more.  I  still  could 
not  say  how  one  learned  to  evaluate  the  price  of  a  rick= 
Shaw  ride.  Mostly  it  was  instinct,  I  guess.  One  also  had 
to  learn  the  fine  art  of  bargaining.  There  were  no  fixed 
prices  in  Chinese  shops.  One  had  to  bargain  for  one's  own 
benefit  as  well  as  for  the  merchants  sustenance  of  happiness. 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of    iti 


-  177  - 


• 


Unless  one  bargained  an  item  down  to  the  right  price 
(here  again  it  was  instinct  to  guess  the  right  price^ 
^n  instinct  I  do  not  possess^),  one  was  a  sucker  and  the 
merchant  or  craftsman  was  very  unhappy.  If  one  paid  with= 
out  an  argument  what  he  requested,  one  cheated  oneself  and 
the  seller  bewailed  his  bad  fortune  that  he  had  not  asked 
for  a  higher  price  in  the  first  place.  I  never  learned  the 
art  of  oriental  bargaining,  but  Annie  was  just  wonderful 
at  it.  She  enjoyed  it  as  much  as  the  merchant.  They  both 
parted  in  a  happy  frame  of  mind.  Then,  of  course,  aside 
from  learning  correct  English,  we  also  had  to  get  acquainted 
with  the  Chinese  version  of  pidgin  English.  As  for  instance 
an  airplane  was  not  just  an  airplane  but  a  topside  rick= 
shaw;  a  piano  was  not  simply  a  piano  but  so  much  more 
poetically:  Outside  strikee-strikee ,  inside  sing-song 
girl.  If  one  went  to  visit  an  acquaintance  or  friend  and 
he  or  she  was  not  home,  the  number-one  boy  would  tell  you: 
Missie  walkee-walkee,  or  Master  walkee-walkee.  It  was  a 
slanguage  all  its  own  with  many  wonderful  facets  of  picture 
esque  expressions.  Nothing  was  hurried  or  of  any  valid  im=* 
portance.  The  standard  answer  to  any  request  was:  Will  do  - 
by  and  by.  Everything  was  maskee  -  who  cares? 


At  this  point  I've  got  to  emphasize  that 
this  is  not  a  general  trade-travel  book,  a   guide  for  tourists, 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-  178  - 


• 


or  globe  trotters,  or  other  footloose  people.  Neither 

is  it  a  book  for  sightsecers  or  any  such  curiosity 

ridden  burghers.  This  is  exclusively  a  book  about  two 

people  and  a  guardian  angel  who  lost  their  country  and 

their  citizenship,  a  book  about  two  refugee-greenhorns 

and  their  individual  experiences  which  sometimes  were 

funny  and  quite  often  sad.  Of  course,  there  is  nothing 

exclusive  anymore  about  being  refugees.  Neither  was  it 

then.  We  were  only  two  in  a  crowd  of  refugees  which 

could  have  been  found  and  stilll  exist  in  every  corner 

for/ 
of  the  world.  Yet, /the  majority  of  average  people,  who 

are  living  relatively  uneventful  lives  and  naturally 

have  never  given  a  thought  to  how  theu<  would  feel  or 

how  they  would  act  if  they  were  forced  into  unwanted 


exile,  this  book  might  reveal  the  basic  injustice,  per= 
petrated  by  some  power-hungry  leaders  on  their  fellowmen 
who  were  neither  criminals  nor  undesirables.  We  became 


9 


globe-trotters  by  no  choice  of  our  own.  We  were  no 
tourists  by  any  means,  if  you  please. 

A  tourist  -  according  to  good,  old  Daniel  Webster  - 
is  a  person  who  makes  a  journey  for  pleasure,  stopping 
at  a  number  of  places  for  the  purpose  of  seeing  the 
scenery  etc.  We  did  not  travel  for  our  pleasure,  and  we 
did  not  stop  at  a  number  of  places  for  the  purpose  of 
seeing  the  scenery  etc.  We  traveled  and  stopped  all  right, 


Please,    donit  worryl    Nothing  came   of   iti 


-  179  - 


and  wo  couldn't  help  seeing  the  scenery  (of  which  there 
was  not  much  in  Shanghai),  but  the  etc.  was  of  more  im- 
portance to  us.  The  etc.  meant  that  we  had  to  work  where 
we  stopped,  or  were  forced  to  stop.  Understandably,  we 
were  little  interested  in  the  scenery,  but  more  so  in 
the  people  we  met,  especially  when  they  could  be  of  help 
to  us  in  regard  to  making  a  buck.  The  tragedy  about  money 
is  that  one  doesn't  have  to  like  it  as  I  don't,  but  that 
one  has  to  have  some  in  order  to  exist.  Money  by  itself  is 
no  guaranteed  pathway  to  happiness,  but  not  having  any 
can  surely  make  one  unhappy.  What  I  want  to  say  in  so 
many  words  is  that  you,  reading  this  book,  should  not 

expect  any  artistic  or  poetic  and  either  laudatory  or 

one/ 
lamentable  descriptions  of  what/may  call  -/scenic  views. 

Our  simple  excuse  for  that  is  that  during  our  kind  of 
travels  and  travails  we  didn't  feel  very  poetic  ever  and 
had  little  use  for  mother  nature,  unless  it  lashed  out  at 
us  which  it  did  on  occasions. 

Once  in  a  while  we  might  try  to  bore  you  by  crudely 


•        *     • 


painting    scenographic    pictures,    but    if   you   prefer  you  can 
always   skip   them.    Shanghai,    when   she   still   was   Shanghai, 
could   be    in  our  opinion  of    interest    to    tourists   only,    if 
they   didn't  mind    to  be   fleeced.    Shanghai  was   geared   for 
the   suckers  who  came    to  visit  her.    Shanghai    had  more   night- 
clubs,   ballrooms   and   honkie-tonks  with  more   beautiful    taxi- 


Please,    don*t  worryl    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-   180  - 


• 


# 


dancers  than  any  other  blace  in  the  world.  These  taxi- 
dancers  or  rather  dance-girls  or  hostesses  as  they  were 
called  were  veritable  queens  of  the  night  who  were  ex« 
ceedingly  well  trained  to  extract  money  from  their  patrons. 
They  were  expensive  and  they  were  sexually  exciting.  Each 
and  every  one  of  them  could  have  succeeded,  if  they  had 
entered  beauty  contests,  in  being  chosen  tm    Miss  China, 
Miss  Asia,  or  Miss  Universe  or  whatever  the  contests  were 
about.  They  were  no  glorified  prostitutes,  but  tough  pro= 
fessionals  in  this  unique  Shanghai- field  of  endeavours 
because  Shanghai  always  had  more  male  than  female  resi» 
dents.  For  most  of  them,  with  whom  I  came  in  contact,  I 
had  great  admiration.  The-i.rs  was  not  an  easy  life. 

Shanghai,  geared  as  she  was  to  world  travelers  and 
tourists,  had  also  a  canidrome,  where  one  could  lose  money 
by  betting  on  stupid  greyhound  dogs.  There  was  a  Hai-a-Lai 
arena  where  the  most  famous  players  in  the  world  exhibited 
their  skill  and  where  one  could  also  lose  money  by  betting 
on  them.  There  was  the  Municipal  Race  Course  to  lose  money 
on  poneys.  There  were  a  number  of  illegal,  underground  opium 
dens  (Shanghai  was  a  trade  center  for  the  opium  traffic)  and 
gambling  casinos  as  well  as  bC'^ello§,  stocked  with  girls 
from  many  parts  of  the  world.  There  was  Yates  Road,  an 
internationally  famous  shopping  street  for  oriental  curios 

(remember  the  bargaining).  There  was  the  little  Chinese 


Please,    don't  worry  1    Nothing  came  of    iti 


-  181  - 


town,  Nantao,  outside  the  French  Concession  with  its 
narrow  alleys  of  silversmiths,  mahjong  makers,  bird 
sellers  and  so  on.  There  was  Chapei  and  Hongkew  to  the 
North  of  the  International  Settlement  with  its  honkie- 
tonks  and  less  expensive  taxi-dancers,  its  go-downs 
(warehouses)  and  a  multitude  of  poor  Chinese  residents. 
There  were  in  Shanghai  restaurants  to  satisfy  people 
of  all  nationalities;  Russiana,  French<r,  Armenians, 
Chinese,  Japanese,  Germang,  British  and  so  on.  There 
was  the  famous  Cantonese  restaurant  "Sun  Ya"  on  Bubbling= 
well  Road  where  one  could  eata  good  meal  for  two  Shanghai 
dollars  on  the  ground  floor  or  pay  a  hundred  dollars  for 
a  plate  of  swallow  nest  soup  or  an  eighteen  course 
dinner  on  the  top  floor.  But  there  was  only  one  ''Jimmy's 
Kitchen".  No  Shanghailander  will  ever  forget  it.  It  served 
wholesome  food  for  real,  ordinary  people  with  ordinary 
tastes  and  at  prices  everyone  could  afford  -  except  the 
poor  coolies  of  course.  Jimmy's  Kitchen  was  in  my  opinion 
the  best  eating  place  of  all,  but  few  tourists  ever  chanced 


it. 


Shanghai  offered  any  thrill  a  tourist-sucker  could 
imagine.  If  they  wanted  and  had  the  dough,  they  could  have 
have  a  hell  of  a  good  time.  I  met  only  one  exception,  a 
lady- tourist  who  certainly  did  not  enjoy  our  crazy  Shang- 
hai. 


Please,  don't  worry'.  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  182  - 


• 


• 


# 


A  friend  of  ours,  a  Shanghai  businessman  (also  a 
native  of  Hamburg),  who  had  settled  in  Shanghai  many 
years  before  Hitler  seized  power,  received  one  day  a  * 
letter  from  an  acquaintance  in  Hamburg,  informing  him 
that  a  certain  lady,  the  widow  of  a  locally  well-known 
poet  and  writer,  was  on  a  world  cruise  and  would  he  be 
so  kind  as  to  entertain  her  during  her  twenty-four  hours 
stay  in  Shanghai.  He  didn't  know  her  and  told  me  about 
it.  I  was  mischievous  enough  not  to  describe  the  lady 
to  him  although  I  had  met  her  in  Hamburg  on  several 
occasions.  This  friend  of  ours  had  the  smallest  European 
car  of  that  time.  The  present  ugly-duckling  Volkswagen 
is  a  giant  in  comparison.  I  kept  my  mouth  shut  when  he 
set  out  in  this  his  baby-buggy  car  to  pick  the  lady  up 
at  the  wharf.  To  his  bewilderment  she  turned  out  to  be  a 
veritable  Brunhilde  (in  German  mythology  a  mighty  female 
warrior),  who  was  taller  than  six  feet  and  must  have  weighed 
close  to  three  hundred  pounds.  He  told  me  later  that  he 
silently  swore  at  me  for  not  having  warned  him.  He  tried 
to  got  her  sideways  or  any  other  ways  into  his  midget  car, 
but  not  even  a  man-sized  shoe  horn  would  have  done  the 
trick.  The  car  just  didn't  fit  her.  Finally  he  decided 
to  let  her  ride  in  a  rickshaw  to  follow  his  car.  The 
poor  rickshaw  just  collappsed  under  her.  There  was  a 
tremendous  walla-walla  and  the  police  had  to  rescue  the 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  183  - 


lady  as  well  as  our  friend  who  later  had  to  pay  the  price 
for  a  new  rickshaw.  He  called  a  taxi,  but  the  driver  after 
one  look  at  the  lady  took  off  again.  In  his  desperation 
our  friend  finally  hired  a  Cadillac  limousine.  This  lady 
was  one  tourist  who  didn't  enjoy  Shanghai.  Although  she 
was  quite  wealthy,  she  was  too  stingy  to  re-imburse  our 
friend  for  the  broken-down  rickshaw  or  the  rent  of  the 
limousine.  She  hated  to  spend  money  and  wanted  everything 
for  nothing.  Shanghai  was  no  place  for  free-loaders.  Within 
a  few  hours  she  returned  to  her  ship  and  was  neither  seen 
nor  heard  from  again. 

On  the  other  extreme  was  an  American  oil  millionaire 
who  twice  or  three  times  a  year  passed  through  Shanghai, 
or  rathe/;^  stopped  over  there  for  a  few  days  during  which 
he  had  a  whale  of  a  good  time.  In  fact,  he  must  have  had 
several  whales  of  good  times.  I  got  to  know  him  when  I 
was  the  floor  manager  of  the  Casanova  ballroom. 

Sorry,  on  second  thought,  I  better  tell  his  story  a 
little  later  after  I've  explained  to  you  the  inner  work= 
ings  of  a  Shanghai  ballroom  and  nightclub.  Otherwise  you 
wouldn't  understand.  Remind  me,  please,  not  to  forget  about 
him  because  he  might  have  been  the  instrument  to  make  me 
a  wealthy  man.  Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing   came   of    it. 


-  18*  - 


• 


# 


Timothy,  Annie  and  I  were  innocent  babes, 
or  rather  lambs  in  a   den  of  wolves.  We  could  easily  have 
been  devoured  and  disappeared  without  leaving  a  trace. 
I  won't  bore  you  with  the  tale  of  how  we  survived  the 
first  weeks.  The  fact  suffices  that  we  did  although  it 
was  anything  but  easy. 

Historically,  the  Chinese  Emperor  in  1842,  after 
having  lost  the  opium  wars,  was  compelled  to  open  up 
five  ports  (Shanghai,  Ningpo,  Foochow,  Amoy  and  Canton) 
to  the  foreigners  who  were  granted  extra-territorial 
rights  in  these  cities.  They  were  even  excempted  from 
paying  taxes  which,  of  course,  was  of  little  concern 
to  us,  at  least  in  the  beginning.  We  had  no  income 
on  which  taxes  could  be  levied. 

At  the  time  we  lived  in  Shanghai  guide  books  were 
trying  to  tell  the  casual  tourists  that  the  city  looked 
as  Western  as  Chicago  in  those  parts  which  was  the  Inter^ 
national  Settlement  and  the  French  Concession.  Despite 
business  streets  like  Nanking  Road  and  broad  avenues 
like  Bubblingwell  Road,  Avenue  Foch  or  on  the  waterfront 
The  Bund,  sprouting  huge  bank  palaces,  despite  high-rise, 
modern  apartment  houses  and  some  shady  residential  streets 
with  one  family  homes  one  had  to  have  a  great  imagination 
to  think  one  lived  in  Chicago  or  New  York,  in  Rome  or 
London. 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  185  - 


These  ridiculous  tourist  guide  books,  as  misleading 
as  fairy  talcs,  did  not  tell  about  the  multitude  of  toil- 
ing, hungry,  miserable  Chinese  in  Shanghai.  Neither  did 
they  mention  that  Shanghai  was  only  gold-plated,  that  she 
was  nothing  but  a  devilish  assinbly  place  for  all  the  money- 
grabbing,  greedy  free-booters  from  all  over  the  world.  She 
had  a  society  all  right  with  a  strata  of  the  so-called 
upper  four  hundred  families,  most  of  them  could  trace 
their  fortunes  back  to  the  opium  trade  which  still  was 
in  progress  when  we  arrived.  Shanghai  was  a  fake,  a  phony, 
neither  occidental  nor  oriental.  And  yet  -  God  forgive  me  - 
she  was  the  most  exciting  and  unique  city  in  the  world, 
although  she  was  more  or  less  disgusting.  She  was  like 
a  pretty  girl,  partly  a  whore  and  partly  a  saint.  She  was 
poison,  and  the  old-time  Shanghailanders  were  addicts  who 
never  could  free  themselves  from  being  in  love  with  her. 
Shanghai  was  not  only  a  dope  trade  center,  she  was  herself 
the  kind  of  dope  which  one  couldn't  shake  off.  Thinking 
about  her  now,  we  also  got  addicted  to  her  in  the  few 
years  we  lived  there.  We  still  remember  Shanghai  with 
nostalgia  and  whenever  we  meet  people,  who  lived  in 
Shanghai,  when  she  still  was  Shanghai,  we  can  gab  about  her 
for  endless  hours.  If  it  hadn't  been  for  the  outbreak 


of  the  Sino-Japanese  hostilities  in  1937  we  might  have 
never  left  Shanghai,  for  at  that  time  we  were  already 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  186  - 


% 


contaminated  by  greed  for  money  and  fortune,  an  addiction 
absolutely  foreign  to  our  basic  character  and  state  of 
mind.  Thank  God,  when  events  beyond  our  control  cured 
us  from  it,  we  never  caught  it  again.  "We  cannot  serve 
God  and  mammoth",  it  is  written  in  the  bible. 

At  the  time  we  arrived  in  Shanghai  there  weren't  yet 
any  committees  to  help  penniless  refugees  from  Nazi-Germany 
Since  we  were  the  first  of  the  kind  the  news  spread  among 
the  approximately  twenty  Jewish  physicians  and  their 
families  who  had  left  Germany  shortly  before  or  after 
Hitler  came  to  power.  They  could  practice  in  Shanghai 
without  any  trouble.  After  the  first  hungry  month  had 
passed  we  were  in  rotation  invited  for  at  least  one  daily 
meal  by  these  good  people,  thus  preventing  us  from  starv= 
ing  at  least. 

One  afternoon,  several  weeks  after  our  arrival,  we  met 
by  arrangement  an  American  newspaperman,  whom  we'll  call 
her^Mv^He  owned  and  published  a  Chinese  newspaper,  the 
Hwa  Mei  Publishing  Company,  and  also  acted  as  an  agent, 
booking  traveling  show  people  and  acts  into  nightclubs. 
We  hoped,  he  could  find  a  theatrical  job  for  at  least 
one  of  us.  Our  meeting  with  us  at  the  foyer  of  the  Astor 
House  Hotel,  where  he  resided,  was  close  to  a  catastrophe  - 


# 


at  least  for  us.  But  many  a  time  a  catastrophe  turns  out 
to  be  a  blessing  in  disguise  -  and  so  did  this  one.  Our 


Please,   don't  worry!   Nothing  came  of   It! 


-  187  - 


English  was  so  poor  that  we  didn't  understand  one  another. 
He  shook  his  head  and  made  it  quite  clear  to  us  that  he 
couldn't  do  a  darned  thing  for  us  unless  we  Improved  on 

our  almost  non-existent  English.  We  parted  on  this  sour 

1/ 
note.  Annie  and/were  almost  reduced  to  tears. 

That  was  the  end  of  a  short  dream  and  the  beginning 
of  our  determination  to  learn  English  and  learn  It  fast. 
To  the  exclusion  of  almost  anything  else  we  sat  In  our 
small  attic  room,  fighting  and  absorbing  all  the  pitfalls 
a  foreign  language  presents.  Besides,  we  bought  a  second- 
hand, ancient  radio  and  listened  to  broadcasts  In  English, 
being  disgusted  when  we  understood  so  little  of  them.  We 
never  failed  to  attend  the  religious  services  of  the 
American  Fourth  Marines  which  were  open  to  the  general 
public  and  were  held  in  a  big  movie  house  each  Sunday 
morning.  The  Marines'  chaplain,  whose  name  unforgettably 
was  Witherspoon.  spoke  a  beautiful,  slow  and  clear  English 
and  his  sermons  were  wonderful  language  lessons  for  us. 
He  actually  opened  our  minds  to  the  language.  To  this  day 
we  feel  that  we  owe  him  a  great  deal  of  gratitude  although 
he  didn't  know  then  that  he  was  our  teacher.  Besides,  we 
enjoyed  the  marvelous  band  of  the  Fourth  Marines.  Their 
concerts  after  the  religious  services  were  wonderful. 

Some  months  later  Annie  met  Chaplain  Witherspoon  in 
person.  He  was  quite  touched  about  the  role  he  had  played 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  188  - 


# 


in  our  lives.  Annie  was  already  a  reputed  nightclub  singer 
then  and  the  good  chaplain  engaged  her  to  sing  with  the 
Fourth  Marine  Band  for  the  July  4th  celebration.  It  was 
our  first  American  Indepenpe  Day.  God,  what  a  great  occasion 
that  was  I  Then  and  there  the  seed  was  planted  in  our  minds 
and  hearts  from  which  sprouted  our  deep  love  for  these 
United  States  of  America.  (Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  wherever  you 
are)  . 


♦ 


Many  a  time  I  wanted  to  throw  in  the  towel,  despair= 
ing  that  I  never  would  be  able  to  command  English  sufficient' 
ly  to  make  it  my  servant.  For  me  a  language  had  to  be  a 
precision  tool  which  I  could  use  automatically.  Being 
overzealous,  I  lost  courage  easily.  However,  Annie  didn't 
let  me  slack  off  until  at  last  I  felt  that  we  were  pro= 
gressing.  I  made  my  first  few  although  uneasy  attempts 
to  write  In  English  and  found  it  less  Inhibiting  than 
spaking  it  for  the  reason  that  I  hated  to  parade  my 
accent.  I  didn't  yet  realize  that  one  never  fully  loses 
one's  accent  and  that  it  didn't  actually  matter  as  long 
as  one  mastered  grammar  and  syntax  and  could  make  oneself 
understood  without  trouble. 

Many  years  later  in  America  a  famous  Jewish-German 
actor,  who  had  emigrated  to  America  directly  from  Nazi- 
Germany,  told  me  in  despair,  "When  I  die,  my  last  sigh 


will  be  tliat  damned   th   .  True  enough,  the  th  sound  is 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  ttl         -  189  - 


the  hardest  one  to  pronounce. 

I  feel  sure  now  that  we  learned  more  English  during 

r 

the  first  six  weeksthan  most  foreigners  do  in  six  years. 
Some  of  the  refugees  from  Germany  still  have  not  even 
mastered  the  basic  ground  rules  of  English  grammar  and 
syntax  after  thirty  years  or  more. 

The  first  time  I  tried  to  speak  English  with  Timothy 
he  blew  his  top.  "You  stop  that  nonsense,  do  you  hear?" 
he  told  me  angrily.  "I  don't  have  to  learn  it.  If  it 
hadn't  been  for  you,  I  wouldn't  have  to  run  away  from 
Germany.  Besides,  I'm  too  old  to  learn  another  language." 

That  gave  me  the  cue.  "How  old  are  you?"  I  asked  him. 
Wnenever  I  had  put  this  question  to  him,  he  had  refused  to 
answer  it.  And  so  he  did  again. 

"None  of  your  business,"  he  retorted  curtly. 

However,  from  what  he  had  told  me  about  his  life  on 
earth  I  had  figured  out  that  he  must  be  about  two  hundred 
fifty  years  old. 

"You  speak  good,  old  German  with  me  and  I  speak 
good,  old  German  with  you,  is  that  clear?"  he  advised  me. 


IIT  •-  t 


It  s  clear,  but  what  will  you  do  if  I  refuse  to 
speak  Germany  anymore?" 

"Why  should  you?" 

"If  I  want  to  speak  the  English  language  correctly, 
I'll  have  to  think  and  dream  in  English.  Swit^jyjhing  from 
one  language  to  the  other  is  confusing,  at  least  in  the 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  190  - 


beginning. " 


• 


II 


1  care  a  ....,"  he  sighed  deeply.  "Why  aren't  we 


permitted  to  swear  once  in  a  while?  Anyway,!  don't  care 

a  Pfennig  for  your  perfection.  My  business  is  to  keep 

you  alive  until  your  time  comes.  And  I'll  do  it  in  German." 

1  shrugged  my  shoulders.  "All  right,  you  keep  Annie 
and  me  alive  any  way  you  like,  but  the  time  will  come  when 
I'll  be  able  to  cuss  you  out  in  English  when  you  irritate 
me,  damn  iti"  1  smiled  when  I  saw  him  wince.  "I'm  allowed 
to  swear  once  in  a  while,  you  see,"  I  reminded  him. 

At  last  our  studies  began  to  pay  off.  We  first  noticed 

it  when  we  laughed  at  jokes  in  the  movies.  It's  a  real 

point/ 
turning/when  one  starts  to  understand  the  humor  in  a 

strange  language. 

The  next  step  was  an  audacious  attempt  to  write  an 
article  in  English  about  the  life  of  Jewish  refugees  in 
Shanghai.  After  re-writing  it  several  times  and  let  Annie 
polish  it  as  well  as  she  could  1  mailed  it  to  "The  Jewish 
Telegraph  Agency"  in  New  York  with  little  hope  that  it 
would  be  accepted.  Yet,  if  I  didn't  try,  I  could  never 
succeed.  It  seemed  to  be  impossible  that  my  newly  acquired 
K_powledgeV/ould  already  be  good  enough  to  pass  a  literary 
test.  To  my  great  and  joyous  surprise  the  article  was 
accepted.  The  editor,  a  Mr.  Wishengrad.  wrote  to  me: 
"I  found  your  article  quite  interesting.  It  is  being  used 
in  its  entirety  and  will  probably  app^jar  in  a  large  number 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    Itl 


-    191    - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing   came   of    It  I 


-  192  - 


of  Anglo- Jewish  weeklies  throughout  the  country.  Your 
use  of  the  English  language  for  a  man  who  is  self-taught 
leaves  little  to  be  desired." 

I  was  prouder  than  a  peacock.  At  last,  I  could  look 
forward  to  continue  my  career  as  a  writer. As  poor  as  we 
were,  the  money  I  got  paid  for  the  article  was  not  as 
important  as  the  fact  that  an  American  editor  had  attested 
that  my  English  left  little  to  be  desired.  That  to  me  was 
a  triumph  I  could  savor.  To  a  great  extent  I  could  thank 
Annie  for  her  tenacity  not  to  let  me  give  up.  As  always 
she  was  the  heart  and  soul  behind  my  endeavours. 

However,  when  it  came  to  writing  my  first  book  after 
leaving  Germany,  I  did  not  yet  dare  to  do  so  in  English. 
It  was  still  too  much  of  a*challenge. 


Not  long  before  Christmas  Annie  heard  some= 
where  (at  the  Chinese  green  grocer's  or  from  a  Russian 
neighbor  or  who  knows  where)  that  the  Paramount  Ballroom, 
which  had  been  closed  for  some  time,  would  be  re-opened 
under  new  management.  The  place  was  only  a  few  blocks 
from  where  we  lived.  On  top  of  the  ballroom  building  in 
a  sort  of  cupola  was  a  small,  very  intimate  nightclub, 
called  "The  Blue  Danube".  That's  what  Annie  aimed  for. 

The  following  morning  she  made  herself  as  pretty  as 
she  could  and  went  to  the  Paramount.  She  wore  the  one  good 


street  dress  she  owned  and  looked  truly  lovely.  Thank 
God,  that  I  always  have  been  and  still  am  prejudiced 
in  her  favor.  Her  brown,  silky,  unruly  hair  forever  re=" 
sisted  a  permanent  wave,  or  at  least  if  she  got  one  it 
wouldn't  last  longer  than  a  few  days.  It  didn't  matter, 
she  couldn't  afford  to  go  to  a  hairdresser  anyway.  Her 
hair  always  looked  kind   of  disorderly  and  tousled,  but 
it  emphasized  a  whimsical  face  of  great  beauty.  To  me  it 
was  seraphic  -  a  wide  forehead,  hJLown ,    candid,  irradiating 
eyes,  a  pert  and  upturned  small  nose,  a  finely  chiseled 
mouth.  Her  alluring  body  was  slim-waisted.  The  calves 
of  her  legs  were  well  turned.  All  in  all,  she  was  a 
lissome  girl  with  a  million  dollar  smile.  Who  in  the 
world  could  resist  her?  Thus  presenting  herself  to  the 
new  Chinese  manager  she  asked  him  if  he  needed  a  girl 
singer  for  the  Blue  Danube  which  had  been  re-opened  in 
advance  of  the  ballroom. 

In  a  way  it  was  an  act  of  desperation  on  her  part, 
but  she  was  much  less  inhibited  than  I.  She  or  I  had  to 
earn  money  to  pay  our  daily  expenses  at  least.  She  had  a 
sweet  voice  for  singing  "Lieder"  as  we  said  in  German,  but 
so  had  many  others.  Although  she  had  taken  a  few  singing 
lessons  in  her  younger  years,  she  never  had  sung  profession* 
ally  in  a  nightclub.  That  was  tough,  and  she  knew  it.  Her 
repertoire  of  songs  was  insufficient,  and  if  she  was  accepted, 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    it. 


-  193  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  194  - 


she  had  to  find  some  one  who  played  the  piano  and  could 
rehearse  new  songs  with  her.  She  was  walking  on  a  tight=» 
rope.  Her  only  asset  was  that  she  had  been  a  professional 
actress  and  so  had  faced  audiences  before,  but  not  as 
close  as  in  a  small  nightclub.  Yet,  if  she  didn't  try, 
she  couldn't  win.  Please,  don't  worry!  For  once  something 
came  of  it  I 

The  Chinese  manager  smiled  at  her,  then  shook  his 
head  and  told  her,  ''My  no  know  English.  You  wait." 

She  waited  although  wondering  for  what  or  whom. 
About  fifteen  minutes  later  Mr.  M. ,  the  man  who  had  advised 
us  to  learn  English  before  he  could  do  anything  for  us, 
walked  in.  He  happened  to  be  the  agent  who  was  going  to 
book  acts  for  the  Paramount  as  he  did  for  most  of  the 
better  clubs  and  ballrooms  in  Shanghai. 

For  a  moment  Annie  just  stared  at  him.  She  had  not 

expected  to  see  him  again.  Then  she  got  up  and  collect= 

was/ 
ing  all  her  wits  she/determined  to  parade  her  newly  learned 

English  to  her  best  advantage.  When  it  came  down  to  brass 

tacks,  she  proved  that  she  was  a  pro. 

"I'm  so  glad  to  see  you,  Mr.  M.,"  she  said,  displaying 


her  million  dollar  smile,  "I  hope,  you  remember  me. 


n 


At  first  it  seemed  that  he  didn't.  Then  a  light 
appeared  in  his  eyes.  He  nodded  his  head.  "Yes  -  sure  - 


I  do  remember  you  -,"  he  replied  hesitatingly.  It  didn  t 


9 


sound  very  convincing. 

With  her  heart  pounding  against  her  chest  she  knew 
that  she  couldn't  muff  this  opportunity.  "Mr.  M. ,  we  met 
at  the  As  tor  House  Hotel,  and  you  promised  to  do  something 
for  me  and  my  husband  if  we  learned  to  speak  English.  We 


worked  very  hard  and  our  English  is  much  better.  I  cc 


ame 


here  to  find  out  if  perhaps  there  was  an  opening  for  a 
girl  singer  at  The  Blue  Danube." 

"Well  -,"  said  Mr.  M.  and  repeated,  "well  -  well  - 
well  -  you  certainly  took  my  advice  and  you  deserve  a 
break.  If  you  sing  as  well  as  you  now  speak  English, 
I'm  going  to  book  you  into  The  Blue  Danube." 

Annie  told  me  later,  these  were  the  sweetest  words 
she  had  heard  in  a  long  time. 

"I  can  sing  in  English,  French  and  German,"  she  ad= 

vertised  her  assets,  although  if  he  had  asked  her,  she 

might  not  have  been  able  to  think  of  a  single  song  she 

except/ 
knew  in  Engl ishflOMBl/ for  "My  heart's  in  the  Highlands" 

which  she  had  learned  in  school  and  was  not  very  appropri=' 

ate  for  a  nightclub  audience. 

Mr.  M.  beamed  at  her.  He  must  have  thought  he  had 

found  a  pearl  in  an  oyster.  "That's  good,"  he  said,  "how 

about  annudition  this  afternoon?  I'll  have  a  pianist  there 


and  you  bring  your  sheet  music. 


M 


"All  right,"  Annie  agreed,  but  not  very  convincingly 
"You  know,  what  an  audition  is,  don't  you?"  he  asked 
a  little  suspiciously. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  195  - 


"Oh  yes,  I  do,  Mr.  M.  ,  I  certainly  do,"  Annie  assured 
him,  making  a  mental  note  to  look  it  up  in  our  small  diction= 
ary  at  home. 

"Okay.  I'll  be  seeing  you  at  four  this  afternoon." 
Audition,  so  Annie  read  in  our  dictionary,  was  a 
hearing  to  test  a  speaker,  an  actor,  a  musician.  That 
did  it.  She  sent  me  out  to  a  friend  of  ours,  the  wife 
of  a  German  refugee  dentist  and  a  very  talented  pianist, 
who  had  emigrated  in  time  with  her  grand  piano,  to  borrow 
from  her  some  sheet  music  of  English  songs  and  ask  her  if 
eventually  she  would  help  her  to  learn  new  tunes.  In  the 
months  to  come  she  did  a  wonderful  job  coaching  Annie. 
Luckily  Annie  had  had  the  foresight  to  pack  a  bundle  of 
music  sheets  of  French  and  German  songs  into  one  of  our 
suitcases . 


From  the  time  she  came  home  to  the  time  she  had  to 
leave  for  the  audition  Annie  studied  cold  in  our  not  very 
accoustic  attic  room.  Then  promptly  at  four  she  presented 
herself  at  The  Blue  Danube.  She  had  a  small,  but  truly 
lovely  voice,  just  right  for  the  intimate  Blue  Danube 
Club.  Mr.  M.  liked  her  singing  as  well  as  her  manner 
In  which  she  acted  and  engaged  her  to  start  the  same 
evening  at  nine.  Luckily  she  didn't  know  that  a  night= 
club  singer  in  Shanghai  didn't  work  as  in  nightclubs  any=* 

where  else,  appearing  once  or  twice.  She  was  expected  to 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  196  - 


sing  whenever  one  of  the  guests  wanted  to  hear  her  sing 
between  nine  and  closing  time  at  three  or  four  in  the 
morning,  or  until  the  last  party  had  left. 

Over  my  protest,  because  I  had  considered  them  non- 
essential,  Annie  had  taken  along  two  eve^ng  gowns,  a  black 
and  a  green  one.  She  proved  to  be  right  as  usual.  Without 
these  two  gowns,  which  for  a  while  she  had  to  wear  alter= 
natively  until  she  could  improve  her  wardrobe,  we  would 
have  been  in  real  trouble.  We  didn't  have  the  money  to 
buy  a  single  gown  or  wouldn't  have  known  from  whom  to 
borrow  one  which  would  have  fit  her. 

On  that  first  night  she  chose  the  black  gown  which 
actually  consisted  of  a  long,  widely  folded  black  skirt  and 
a  silver- lame  blouse.  She  looked  ravishing,  if  I  may  say 
so,  and  I  do.  I  would  have  liked  to  come  up  to  the  Blue 
Danube  with  her,  but  husbands  were  not  wanted.  All  I  could 
do  was  accompanying  her  to  the  portals  of  the  Paramount 
building.  Naturally  I  felt  kind  of  left  out.  If  it  hadn't 
been  such  a  long  wait,  I  would  have  acted  the  good  watch 
dog  and  sit  on  the  steps  outside  until  she  came  out  again. 
I  knew  she  trembled  with  stage  fright  and  I  couldn't  be 
there  to  steady  her.  It  felt  strange  for  me  to  walk  back 
home  alone  with  only  Timothy  for  company.  He  was  a  lousy 
substitute.  Sorry. 

Annie  was  an  immediate  success,  and  if  I  say  success, 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-    197    - 


Please,    don't   worry'.    Nothing  came   of    itl 


-  198  - 


I  mean  success.  I  had  a  hard  time,  though,  being  by  my 
self  night  for  night.  I  always  worried  about  Annie's 
safety,  but  she  knew  how  to  hold  her  own  among  the  wolves 
of  Shanghai.  Each  day  she  learned  new  songs  with  her  lady 
friend  who  got  a  great  kick  out  of  it.  Soon  enough  Annie 
became  what  is  known  as  an  attraction. 

Whoever  lived  in  the  Far  East  at  that  time  knew  Whitey 
Smith  and  his  band.  He  was  as  famous  there  as  any  of  the 
big  band  leaders  in  America.  Whitey  Smith  made  plenty  of 
money  and  never  got  rich.  He  had  too  many  broads  -  at  least 
that's  what  he  called  them. They  drained  him  of  each  buck 
as  fast  as  he  made  it.  Shortly  after  Annie  had  started 
at  The  Blue  Danube  (appearing  under  her  maiden  name, 
Anne  Nilde)  the  Paramoint  Ballroom  was  opened  with  Whitey 
Smith  and  his  band.   It  didn't  take  U^itey  long  to  dis= 
cover  Annie  and  persuade  the  management  to  let  her  appear 
with  his  band  twice  each  night.  It  was  quite  a  challenge 
for  her.  She  had  been  a  novice  as  a  nightclub  singer,  but 
singing  with  a  big  band  was  a  totally  different  matter. 
She  had  little  time  to  get  scared  because  one  night  with= 
out  any  preliminaries  Whitey  sent  for  her  and  that  was  that 
To  her  own  surprise  she  came  through  with  flying  colors. 
Having  had  radio  broadcasting  experience  she  at  least 
knew  how  to  handle  a  microphone. 

Whitey  Smith  was  mightily  impressed  with  her  and  so 
were  the  Shanghai  newspapers.  For  instance  the  Shanghai 


Times  wrote:  "Miss  Anne  Milde,  the  star  entertainer  of 
the  Blue  Danube  Bar,  made  her  first  appearance  with  Whitey 
Smith  at  the  Paramount  Ballroom.  Miss  Milde,  who  has  a 
delightfully  pleasing  voice  and  sings  in  English,  French 
and  German,  is  expected  to  become  a  favorite  at  the 
Paramount.'' 

She  certainly  did  become  a  favorite  and  remained  one. 
She  continued  working  at  The  Blue  D  inube  and  the  Paramount 
until  the  Japanese  attack  on  Shanghai  in  1937.  It  was  a 
record  of  a  long-time  engagement,  even  for  Shanghai  where 
good  entertainers  were  always  in  great  demand.  But  she 
never  was  paid  enough  for  what  she  was  worth. 

On  the  first  of  each  month  Mr.  M.  promptly  collected 
his  ten  percent  commission  from  Annie,  as  he  later  also 
did  from  me.  But  until  the  time  when  he  found  a  job  for 
me  I  lived  in  a  kind  of  twilight  zone.  In  fact,  I  was  very 
much  at  odds  with  myself. 

Writing  a  book  like  this  one,  I  have  a  hard  time  to 
tell  the  events  in  chronological  order.  There  was  so  little 
chronological  order  in  our  lives.  Annie  became  what  might 
well  be  called  a  star  in  Shanghai.  The  high/ight  of  her 
career  -  as  I  mentioned  before  -  was  the  American  Inde= 
pendence  Ball,  sponsored  by  the  Fourth  Marines  at  the 
Paramount  Ballroom.  Both  bands  were  playing  al ternat;J|ply 
at  both  sides  of  the  large  ballroom,  the  Fourth  Marine  Band 


Mi 


Please,    don't   worry  I    Nothing   came   of    iti 


-    226    - 


Please,    don't   worry!    Nothing   came    of    it! 


-    227   - 


truth   of    the   matter  was    that    every  once    in  a  while    1   spoke 

German  with   some   of   our    European-born    patrons    because   be=» 

sides    English    or   French    as   well    as    their   native    language 

(most    Swiss    and   all    Austrians    speak   German   anywny)     they 

generally    had    a    fair  knowledge   of   German.     That's   how  Wong, 

who   didn't   know  a  word   of  German,    assumed    that    they   and 

I   conversed    in    their  native    tongues.    As   Annie    was    a   success 

at   The   Blue   Danube    and    the    Paramount    so  was    I    at    the   Casa= 

nova,    but   mine  ;nade   more   waves    all   over   the   Far   East    -    and 

that    reminds   me   of    the   afore-mentioned  American  oil-mil= 

ionaire. 

I  had  not  seen  that  man  before  when  he  appeared  one 

evening  at  the  Casanova,  engaging  half  a  dozen  girls  and 

ordering  nothing  but  champagne.  The  girls  had  to  be  paid 

for  the  time  they  spent  with  a  patron  and  for  each  dance. 

The  man,  who  quite  obviously  was  not  a  local  resident, 

should  not  have  been  allowed  to  sign  chits,  but  pay  in  cash 

or  redeem  the  chits  in  cash  before  he  was  leaving  instead 

of  being  presented  with  them  by  the  end  of  the  month  by 

one  of  our  compradores.  Anyone,  who  once  defaulted  in 

redeeming  a^ny  chits,  lost  all  his  credit  anyv;herc  in 

non-alcohol ic/ 
Shanghai.  The  girls  were  generally  served/ tea-cocktails 

although  the  patron  v;as  charg,ed  the  full  price  of  what  = 

ever  he  had  ordered.  As  a  general  rule  the  management 

did  not  appreciate  any  of  the  girls  getting  high.  It 


was  bad  business  all  around.  Some  of  the  regular  patrons, 
wise  to  the  ruse,  could  not  be  fooled,  and  when  it  came 
to  champagne,  which  could  be  ordered  by  the  bottle  only, 
it  was  not  possible  to  substitute  sodawater  for  the  girls 
Aside  from  their  fifty  percent  of  the  dance  tickets  each 
girl  received  a  special  commission  on  the  over-i)riced 


champagne.  Not  a  night  went  by  without  trouble  for 


me 


to  separate  one  or  more  inebriated  girls  from  one  or  more 
inebriated  patrons.  One  girl  in  particular  had  the  odd 
habit  of  starting  to  striptease  when  she  had  reached  a 
certain  degree  of  drunkenness.  If  I  didn't  catch  her  in 
time,  all  I  could  do  was  to  sling  her  over  my  shoulder, 
bare-bossomed  and  all,  and  carry  her  to  the  girls'  dress= 
ingroom,  depositing  her  there  on  a  couch  and  feed  her 
strong  coffee. 

Well,  this  American  oil-millionaire  had  a  hell  of 
a  good  time,  and  after  a  while  I  began  worrying.  The 
amount  of  champagne  started  to  show  and  the  amounts  of 
chits  he  signed  was  staggering  in  my  opinion.  When  the 
chits,  the  man  had  signed,  added  up  to  almost  two  thou= 
sand  Shan^'Jiai  dollars  I  decided  to  consult  Wong.  Although 
I  was  generally  authorized  to  judge,  how  much  credit  we 
could  extend  to  a  customer,  this  man  baffled  me.  So  I 
climbed  up  to  the  balcony  and  asked  Wong  what  to  do. 

He  nodded  at  me.  "You're  right.  We  better  find  out 


*— IW.»WIP.IIIIIIIIIII    I.    Ill  I 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  229  - 


them,  and  they  take  their  friendships,  once  extended, 
very  seriously. 

Well,  I  went  to  see  the  American  at  the  Park  Hotel 
on  Sunday  morning,  and  he  redeemed  the  chits  cheerfully. 
In  fact,  he  told  me  it  had  been  worth  the  fun  he  had  had 

For  simplicity's  sake  let  me  call  him:  Arthur  Long. 

We  two  became  well  acquainted.  The  last  time  I  saw  him, 

he  posed  a  proposition  to  me  which  was  a  once  in  a  life= 

time  opportunity.  Everything  being  considered  and  having 

plenty  of  money  to  invest,  he  had  come  to  the  conclusion 

that  the  nightclub  business  in  Shanghai  was  uniquely 

he/ 
profitable.  V.1iile/had  H^  been  back  home  after  his  last 


trip  to  the  Far  East  he  had  a  firm  of  architects  dr 


aw 


blue  prints  for  the  most  exclusive,  glamorous  nightclub 
anywhere  in 'the  world,  something  even  Shanghai  had  never 
seen.  When  he  would  be  coming  back  to  Shanghai  within 


three  month's  time,  he  would  bring  his  architect  al 


ong 


to  get  the  construction  under  way.  Meanwhile  I  should 
canvass  the  city  for  a  choice  of  at  least  three  good 
sites  from  which  he  would  choose  one.  I  would  be  managing 
the  club  with  full  authority  vested  in  me.  I  was  going 
to  hire  two  dozens  of  the  most  beautiful  dance  girls, 

find  a  small,  5ut  outstanding  dance  band,  hire  the  best 

most  superb/ 
Chinese  personnel  I  could  gather  and  make  it  theT 

club  there  ever  has  been.  I  would  receive  a  yearly 


Please,    don't   worry!    Nothing  came   of    it! 


-  230  - 


guaranteed  income  of  thirty  thousand  American  dollars 


with  a  generous  percentage  of  profits  above  this 


amount . 


That  was  it.  To  say  the  least,  I  was  stunned.  For  the 
first  time  in  my  life  I  was  handed  an  actual  chance  to 
become  wealthy.  A  Nabob,  a  Croesus,  a  Tycoon.  Arthur 
Long,  so  he  said,  trusted  me  completely  and  so  could  I 
trust  him  without  reservation.  We  would  draw  up  a  contract 
prior  to  the  opening  of  the  club. 


Coming  home  that  morning  about  the  same  time 


as 


Annie,  I  asked  her  to  look  at  me  with  special  attention 


because  she  would  be  seeing  a  future  millionaire  or 


some= 


thing  close  to  it.  She  looked,  shook  her  head,  yawned 
and  started  to  get  ready  for  bed.  She  was  tired,  but 
I  didn't  let  her  go  to  sleep  before  I  had  told  her  of 
Arthur  Long  and  his  fantastic  nightclub.  Within  ten  years, 
so  I  boldly  predicted,  we  would  have  at  least  a  quarter 
of  a  million  dollars  put  aside  and  then  would  immigrate 
to  the  United  States  as  true  capitalists.  Sure,  she  said. 


and  yawned  again.  Before  she  closed  her  eyes  she  told 


me 


we  would  count  the  money  when  we  had  it  -  in  ten  years. 
She  was  right.  So  please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 
In  contrast  to  Annie  I  had  an  uncanny  capacity  to  get 
quickly  enthusiastic.  In  retrospect,  I  should  have  re- 
membered then  and  there  what  Jacob  Wassermann  had  written 
in  his  book  "Wedlock",  "Average  young  people  today  and 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  231  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  232  - 


probably  in  all  ages  are  as  inconceivably  stupid  in  judg= 
Ing  life  as  they  are  imprudent  in  self-assurance  and  in- 


capable  of  self-mastery. 


It 


I  never  met  Arthur  Long  again.  It  was  not  his  fault. 
To  this  day  I  strongly  believe  that  he  honestly  meant 
what  he  had  promised  me,  but  neither  he  nor  I  could  have 
reckoned  with  the  gods  of  chance  who  were  stubbornly  set 
against  my  getting  ever  rich.  But  the  idea  alone  of  mak= 
ing  big  money  had  already  corrupted  my  mind.  Never  before 
had  I  coveted  wealth  and  never  did  I  so  afterwards.  I  was 
punch  drunk  with  the  promise  Arthur  Long  had  planted  in 
my  head.  I  totally  forgot  that  I  had  no  understanding 
about  handling  money  and  actually  did  not  care  to  have 
more  than  I  needed  at  any  given  time.  If  Arthur  Long 
could  have  made  his  commitment  true,  I  might  have  growTi 
wealthy.  Yet,  I  cannot  help  but  feel  that  I  also  might 
have  had  to  pay  for  it  in  some  way  not  to  my  liking.  Too 
much  money  is  not  inducive  to  creating  happiness. 

Anyvay ,  before  Mr.  Long  could  return  the  Japanese 
interfered  by  attacking  Shanghai.  Tourists  and  traveling 
businessmen  stayed  away  and  we  had  to  leave.  That  was 
Arthur  Long,  God  bless  him  wherever  he  is,  still  alive 
or  not.  It  was  just  another  dream  gone  with  the  wind  and, 
believe  it  or  not,  we  are  grateful  to  God  that  He  did 

not  ever  let  us  grow  dependently  rich.  Wealth,  too  often. 


creates  selfishness  and  selfishness  in  turn  creates  spirit= 

ual  misery.  There  may  be  some  people  who  may  say,  they 

would  gladly  buy  spiritual  misery  for  a  million  dollars,  ^'/ 
hur  I  believe/  a/ 

/Mi  if  they  could,  they  would  regret  it.  There  is/middle 

way  between  poverty  and  wealth,  to  which  everyone  should 

be  entitled  and  which  allows  one  to  buy  what  one  needs, 

but  not  all  the  goodies  in  the  world.  We  had  to  struggle 

all  our  life  and  were  so  much  happier  for  it.  We  never 

lost  the  excitement  of  joy  for  anything  we  were  able  to 

buy  after  saving  for  it  dime  by  dime  or  dollar  by  dollar. 

Even  now  after  so  many  years  I  still  feel  kind  of  ashamed 

that  I  ever  coveted  so  much  money.  I  should  have  knowTi 

better.  Great  wealth  was  and  is  not  my  hang-up.  I  was 

and  am  not  the  type  for  it.  Annie  and  I  would  have  given 

most  of  it  away. 

Henrik  Ibsen  wrote,  "Money  may  buy  the  husk  of  many 
things,  but  not  the  kernel.  It  brings  you  food,  but  not 
appetite,  medicine,  but  not  health,  acquaintances,  but 
not  friends,  servants,  but  not  faithfulness,  days  of  joy, 
but  not  peace  and  happiness." 

I  heartily  prescribe  to  that,  for  I've  known  it  to 
be  true.  We  have  met  some  of  the  richest  men  in  the  world, 
but  none  of  them  we  thought  were  truly  happy,  while  Annie 
and  I  were  relatively  and  independently  poor  all  our  lives, 
but  always  very  happy. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came   of  iti 


-  233  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  oi  it  I 


-  234  - 


Prior  to  the  influx  of  Russian  refugees 
from  Soviet  Russia^Shanghai  was  the  city  of  luxuriously 
elegant  and  very  much  frequented  maisons-des-rendcz-vous 
(brothels  or  bordellos,  very  well  stocked  with  girls  of 
all/shades  and  nationalities)  instead  of  nightclubs  and 
ballrooms  with  almost  exclusively  White-Russian  girls, 
often  coming  from  good  families.  They  could  not  be  en= 
ticed  into  the  brothels  and  as  a  result  the  nightclub 
and  ballroom  business  crowded  the  majority  of  bordellos 
out  of  the  market.  Moreover  the  moral  attitude  had  changed. 


Consuls  of  most  foreign  nations  shipped  girls  of  their 
countries  home  if  they  strayed  from  the  path  of  bourgeois 
respectability,  whatever  that  is.  The  Soviet  Consul,  of 
course,  had  no  interest  in  the  White  Russian  refugee  girls. 
But  one  fact  had  not  changed  ever  since  1842  -  foreign 
males  always  outnumbered  foreign  females,  and  the  pro= 
stitutes  before  as  the  dance  girls  later  were  a  com= 
modity  of  sexual  necess>^ty.  After  the  Russian  revolution 
in  1917  many  Russian  families  fled  to  Shanghai  and  hav= 
ing  neither  means  nor  opportunities  at  first  to  make  a 
living,  the  daughters  became  the  bread  earners.  Thus  the 
famous  dance  girls  of  Shanghai  came  into  existence.  These 
girls  were  exiles  in  an  alien  world.  They  were  citizens 
of  no  land  (the  same  as  the  German- Jewish  refugees  later). 


They  could  obtain  no  passports,  these  infernal,  little 
books  so  vitally  valuable  to  involuntary  exiles.  They 
had  come  to  Shanghai  like  we  had  done  without  the  know= 
ledge  of  th£.  language  and  way  of  life.  They  had  come  to 
Shanghai  where  they  had  no  friends  and  knew  no   neighbors. 
They  had  come  to  a  foreign  city  where  they  had  no  contacts 
and  no  other  choice  but  to  become  dance  girls.  It  was  a 


m 


atter  of  starving  or  not  starving  for  them  and  their 


families.  Between  them  and  so-called  taxi-dancers  any= 
where  else  existed  a  big  difference.  These  Russian  refugee 
girls  managed  to  integrate  themselves  into  the  social  life 
of  Shanghai.  Some  people  -  but  not  many  -  had  the  audacity 
of  calling  them  glorified  prostitutes.  They  were  nothing 
of  the  sort.  They  were  hard-working  gals  and  some  of 

them  made  more  money  than  they  ever  had  dreamed  of. 

one/ 
The  girls  and  I  got  along  very  well  wi  th/ another. 

None  of  them  ever  tried  to  seduce  me,  and  I  never  attempted 
to  seduce  any  of  them.  They  had  been  hired  by  Wong  for 
their  beauty,  their  intelligence  and  their  cunning  to 
fleece  customers  as  well  as  their  social  behaviour. 
In  a  city  where  good  reputation  was  at  a  premium,  the 
Casanova  enjoyed  one  of  the  best.  It  was  quite  expensive 
for  patrons  to  hire  one  of  the  girls  out,  but  all  in  all 
they  got  their  money's  worth,  that  is  good  company  for 
an  evening  of  good  fun  by  going  dancing  with  them  in   a 
number  of  other  clubs.  However,  the  fun  was  not  always 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-    235    - 


Please,    don't   worry  I    Nothing  came   of    it  I 


-  236  - 


what  you  might  think  it  was.  Even  if  the  girl  agreed  and 

the  management  got  paid  for  the  loss  of  time  to  let  a 

patron  take  her  out,  he  had  no  guarantee  that  she  would 

go  to  bed  with  him.  More  often  than  not  she  resisted  and 

refused.  If  however  she  ydlded,  the  sucker  had  to  shell 

out  sometimes  as  much  as  five  hundred  more  Shanghai  dollars 

(three  Shanghai  dollars  were  about  the  equivalent  of  one 

American  dollar)  which  the  girl  could  keep  without  sharing 
them/ 
/with  the  ballroom  management.  In  fact,  a  manager  of  a  good 

club  frowned  on  such  arrangements  and  didn't  want  to  know 

about  it.  Having  won  the  confidence  of  the  girls,  I  was 

often  the  recipient  of  many  tales  of  woes  about  unbelievable 

sexual  aberrations  the  girls  had  to  endure.  Some  of  them 

were  not  much  unlike  the  escapades  of  Marquis  de  Sade's 

Justine.  No  wonder  then  that  the  girls  did  not  yield 

easily  and  then  only  at  great  expense  of  the  buyers. 

Each  of  these  girls  had  their  ovm  style  of  gold- 
digging  as  well  as  sex  appeal.  Perhaps  if  you  happened 
to  have  lived  in  Shanghai  or  even  visited  the  Casanova 
as  a  tourist  at  the  time,  you  might  remember  one  or 'the 
other  of  these  girls  who  had  reached  the  peak  of  their 
profession  and  were  as  famous  in  Shanghai  as  starlets 
in  Hollywood. 

For  instance  do  you  remember  "Helen  with  the  silver 


pupils  of  her  eyes  always  turned  glaringly  sex- infested 

and  silvery  whenever  she  had  one  drink  too  much.  The  ruse 

of  serving  them  tea  cocktail  instead  of  whiskey  was  not 

always  successful.  Anyway,  it  was  blond-haired  Helen  with 

the  silver  eyes  who  changed  into  a  compulsive  stripteaser 

if  she  got  drunk.  If  I  didn't  catch  her  in  time,  she  per= 

formed  as  a  topless  dancer. 

Or  do  you  remember  Tonia,  the  "Golddigger" ,  who  was 

the  most  intelligent,  educated  and  most  serenely  beauti= 

Both/ 

ful  of  our  girls?/iA'er  two  children,  a  boy  and  a  girl, 
whom  she  brought  up  by  herself  after  her  husband  had 


deserted  he 


became  reputed  physicians.  She  enabled 


them  at  great  sacrifice  to  study  medicine  in  America. 

You  certainly  would  rerpember  black-eyed  Suzan,  if 
you  ever  have  visited  the  Casanova.  She  had  jet-black 
eyes,  a  wild  temperament  and  was  a  crazy  practical  jokster 
I  was  told  that  once  she  had  hired  a  white  pony,  had  it 
brought  up  to  the  ballroom  and  rode  it  onto  the  dance 
floor  like  Lady  Godiva,  her  nude  body  covered  only  by 
her  long,  black  hair. 

Sandra,  "The  Tigress",  was  one  of  my  favorites  and 
would  have  been  yours,  I'm  sure,  if  you  had  known  her. 
She  was  of  Mongolian  descent.  She  had  the  narrow  fore=» 
head  and  flat  nose  of  her  race  as  well  as  the  savage 


eyes"?  If  you  do,  you  won't  have  forgotten   that  the  grey 


temper.  Oncef  she  had  set  her  mind  on  a  patron,  this  man 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-    237   - 


Please,    don't   worryl    Nothing  came   of    ttl 


-  238  - 


was  lost  unless  he  took  to  his  heels  in  time.  She  was  able 
to  extract  his  very  last  dollar  before  she  was  through  with 


him. 


Thinking  back,  I'm  sure,  you'll  agree  -  if  you've 


been  at  the  Casanona  -  the  most  fascinating  girl  was  Do= 
lores.  Like  so  many  Eurasians  she  was  an  exceptional  beauty 
Hers  was  a  strange  mixture  which  only  could  have  been  pro= 
duced  in  Shanghai.  She  was  half  Chinese,  a  quarter  Portu= 
guese  and  a  quarter  Swedish.  She  definitely  had  a  Nordic 
face  and  Jfsky-blue,  almond  eyes.  Her  hair  was  black.  She 
was  tall  and  slender  with  a  body  that  excuded  nothing  but 
sex  appeal.  You  could  feel  it  through  your  skin  and  almost 
smell  it  like  the  effluvium  of  over-scented  perfume.  How= 
ever,  she  had  one  incorrigible,  mental  flaw.  For  the  life 
of  her  she  was  unable  to  tell  the  truth,  even  if  she  had 
wanted  to.  Every  word  she  uttered  was  a  brazen  lie.  She 
was  quite  a  money-maker,  and  she  catered  to  the  richer, 
older  men. 

All  places  of  entertainment  were  open  sven  nights  a 
week  and  none  of  the  employees  had  a  night  off.  Neither 
came  the  idea  of  a  vacation  ever  up,  at  least  not  during 
the  almost  two  years  I  was  working  at  the  Casanova  and 
Annie  at  The  Blue  Danube.  There  was  no  Social  Security 
or  any  other  fringe  benefits  and  no  health  insurance,  at 
least  not  for  us.  When  one  got  sick,  one  was  ducked  pay 


for  the  missed  time.  Yet,  I  never  heard  anyone  complain 
about  it. 

Occasionally,  when  business  fell  off  earlier  tiian 
usual  on  a  weekday  night,  Wong  liked  to  visit  other  ball=* 
rooms  and  nightclubs  mostly  for  the  reason  to  look  over 
the  stable  of  dance  girls  in  case  some  new  ones  had  been 
added  or  substituted.  He  liked  to  keep  tab  on  his  com= 
petitors  who  did  the  same  with  him.  Any  new  workable 
tricks  were  soon  copied  all  over  town. 

None  of  the  managers  -  although  they  were  always 
guests  of  the  house  on  such  mutual  visits  -  wore  above 
hiring  promising  new  girls  away  or  what  could  be  called 
industrial  espionage.  While  I  was  working  for  Wong,  he 
liked  me  to  come  along  on  these  fordyas  and  let  me  select 
two  of  our  girls  to  accompany  us  as  symbols  ioif   our  status. 
Wong,  to  be  fair,  always  paid  them  for  their  time. 

Once  in  a  while,  after  a  visit  to  the  Paramount  Ball= 
room,  Wong  took  the  elevator  up  to  The  Blue  Danube,  al= 
though  there  was  nothing  that  co/^ld  be  of  interest  to 
him.  The  intimate  atmosphere  of  the  place  seemed  to  re=« 
lax  him  and  besides  he  enjoyed  to  hear  Annie  sing.  At  no 
time  did  he  mention  to  me  whether  or  not  he  was  aware  that 
she  v.'as  my  wife.  She  was  knov.Ti  as  Anne  Milde  and  our  re» 
lationship,  if  he  knew  about  it,  was  none  of  his  business. 
In  any  event  neither  Annie  nor  I  approached  or  even  greeted 


Please,    don't   worry',    Nothing  came   of    It  I 


-  240  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  239  - 


each  other  on  these  occasions.  It  was  bad  business  for 
The  Blue  Danube  if  any  of  their  guests  thought  Annie  was 
a  married  gal.  Quite  often  I  saw  her  sitting  at  a  table 
with  a  group  of  male  patrons,  and  she  s.iw  me,  of  course, 
coming  in  with  two  gorgeous  girls  as  our  companions.  In 
retrospect.  I  think  that  this  situation  was  the  real  test 
of  our  marriage.  We  simply  trusted  each  other.  I've  got 
to  repeat  it  again  and  again,  Annie  was  and  still  is  one 
gal  in  a  million.  In  fact,  I  told  her  many  times  that  I 
had  chosen  her  among  millions  of  avalaible  females  in  the 


world. 


a/ 


Shanghai,  when  she  still  was  Shanghai, 
was/pu22ling,  exciting,  fascinating  and  fatiguing  city, 
much  more  so  than  anyone  can  imagine  who  wasn't  there  at 
the  time.  She  made  herself  heard  without  interruption. 

Shanghai  was  also  the  city  of  professional  beggars, 
employed  by  a  so-called  beggar-king.  Each  one  of  these 
pitiful  creatures  were  trained  in  the  art  of  begging  and 
its  various  specialities.  Their  boss  provided  them  with 


any  necessary  tools 


because  begging  was 


considered  a  trade  in  Shanghai.  Even  small  babies  were 
loaned  out  to  women  mc^icants.  If  these  little  ones  did 
not  cry  from  hunger  or  other  want  to  arouse  attention, 
they  were  pinched  where  it  hurt  them.  Only  the  rags  they 


were  wearing  were  the  beggars'  own.  The  beggar  king  extract- 
ed fifty  percent  of  whatever  coins  they  collected  and  waxed 
wealthy  on  it.  Cruising  beggar  supervisors  watched  out  that 
no  one  dared  to  cheat  the  boss. 

The  variety  of  begging  seldom  changed.  There  were  the 
women  with  crying  babies;  there  were  genuine  and  faking 
lepers  who  loudly  shouted  for  pity  and  mercy;  there  were 
arm-  and  legless  men  who  rolled  along  the  side  walks, 
chained  to  their  alleged  or  assumed  wives;  there  were 
others  with  horribly  swollen  limbs,  suffering  from  ele=» 
phantiasis  which  could  not  be  faked;  and  there  were  some 
who  learned  how  to  cry  bitter  tears  for  hours  on  end;  and 
at  last  there  was  the  one  man  who  with  crying  shame  would 
call  out  his  misery  in  the  only  English  words  he  had  mcmo= 
rized:  "No  pappa,  no  mamma,  no  whiskey-soda,  sir".  Of 
course,  there  were  also  begging  children,  clad  in   rags. 
Everything  and  everybody  was  geared  to  extract  money  from 
others . 

In  a  way  the  beggars  of  Shanghai  had  to  work  hard  for 
their  unbelievably  meager  existence,  but  much  more  so  had 
the  rickshaw  coolies,  few  of  them  lasted  much  longer  than 
five  years  pulling  the  rubber-wheeled  carriages  and  running 
in  rythmic  strides  until  their  lungs  caved  in  from  con= 
sumption.  They  were  the  most  harassed  underdogs  of  all 
underdogs.  None  of  them  owned  their  rickshaws.  They  had 


Please,    don*t  worryl    Nothing  came   of    iti 


-  241  - 


to  lease  them  on  a  daily  basts  from  another  big  boss  who 

was  on  the  take  for  half  th^  fares  the  coolies  earned. 

These  poor  fellows  were  the  most  tormented  beings  in 

Shanghai.  Each  policeman  -  the  Tonkenese  in  the  French 

Concession  and  more  so  the  black-bearded,  turbaned  Sikh 

giants  in  the  International  Settlement  -  was  their  deadly 

enemy.  Especially  the  Sikhs  played  cat  and  mouse  with  the 

rickshaw  coolies  and  woe  to  any  one  of  them  if  he  got 

caught  violating  one  of  the  numerous  traffic  regulations. 

Although  the  coolies  scattered  as  fast  as  mice  one  or  two 

slip  cover/ 
of  them  always  got  stopped.  The  Sikh  took  the  white/ encasea^ 

coolie/ 

seat -cushion  of  the  rickshaw,  without  which  thef/could  not 


ge 


t  customers^  and  lost  much  time  of  theday  or  night.  The 


coolie  had  to  redeem  the  cushion  at  the  police  station 
after  paying  a  fine.  It  most  often  meant  that  they  could 


no 


t  afford  to  buy  the  ball  of  rice  they  needed  for  food. 


Many  of  them  had  not  even  a  habitat  and  slept  on  spread 
newspapers  in  streets  and  alleys.  The  competition  among 
them  was  fierce  and  they  followed  any  prospective  rider, 
yelling:  "Rickshaw,  master  (or  Missie)  !  RickshaVvl " ,  at  the 
same  time  slapping  the  white  seat  cushions  with  the  flat 
of  their  dirty  hands.  For  a  measly  twenty  Shanghai  cents 
they  would  pull  you  all  across  town,  drying  the  sweat, 

running  down  tbeir  faces,  with  old  rags,  slung  around  one 

of/ 
/the  vehicle  shafts.  But  they  could  exist  on  a  few  coppers 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-  242  - 


) 


o 


^ 


a  day  (remember,  three  coppers  were  one  Shanghai  cent 
hich  ill  turn  was/ 

a  third  of  an  /\merican  cent)  and  saved  whatever  they 
could  in  the  hope  to  return  with  a  little  nestegg  to 
their  peasant  families.  Too  many  never  made  it. 


Very  few  of  the  poor  masses  ever  ounned  an  entire 
Shanghai  dollar  at  one  time.  Chinese  employees  worked 
for  so  little  that  there  was  no  contest  for  most  jobs 
as  far  as  foreigners  were  concerned.  For  instance,  our 
dance  ticket  boy.  a  man  in  his  early  thirties,  who  each 
night  exchanged  or  sold,  if  you  will,  thousands  of  dollars 
worth  of  dance  tickets  ^BB,  was  paid  no  more  than  thirty 
Chinese  dollars  (the  approximate  equivalence  of  ten  /\mer= 
ican  dollars)  a  month.  Being  the  only  bread  winner  in 
his  large  family,  with  these  thirty  dollars  he  had  to 
feed,  house  and  clothe  his  wife,  ghis  three  little  children, 
his  aged  parents  and  two  sisters  when  they  were  out  of 
work.  They  all  lived  together  in  a  one-room  waddle  hut 
on  the  other  side  of  the  Whangpoo  River  in  Pootung.  The 
only  things  the  Casanova  provided  for  him  was  a  clean, 
white  ishang  each  night  and  his  food  while  he  was  on  duty. 
He,  like  all  the  other  Chinese  employees  of  the  Casanova, 
belonged  to  Wong's  family  clan.  I  could  neither  hire  nor 
fire  any  of  them  despite  all  the  alleged  authority  in= 
vested  in  me  as  the  floor  manager.  China,  so  I  was  told, 
had  about  a  hundred  family  clans  and  each  one  stuck  to 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  243  - 


their  own.  Wherever  Chinese  were  employed,  they  had  to 
belong  to  the  same  clan  whether  the  foreign  employer  knew 
it  or  not. 


I  did  promise  not  to  lose  myself  in 

as/ 
lengthy  descriptions  and  stick/closely  as  possible  to  our 

own  travels,  travails,  ventures  and  adventures,  but  Shang'' 

hai,  when  she  still  was  Shanghai, was  unique  to  excess  and 

for  that  reason  alone  deserves  some  more  attention  than 

I'll  be  giving  other  places  and  sites.  Most  probably  there 

never  will  be  another  Shanghai  in  our  modern  world  as 


there 


never  was  any  other  Sodom  and  Gomorrah  of 


biblical  times  although  Las  Vegas  and  Reno  may  run  a 
close  second  -  not  to  Shanghai,  but  to  Sodom  and  Gomorrah 

As  there  was  extreme  poverty  of  the  masses  so  there 
was  extreme  wealth  of  a  few  in  Shanghai  with  little  or 


almost  no  middle  class  in  between,  just  a  deep  chas 


m 


with  few  crossings  over  it.  The  ugly  mass-poverty  was  so 
inflamingly  damnable,  that  one  could  eventual/  harden  to 
it,  for  thus  is  human  nature.  To  us,  though,  the  uglier, 
extreme  wealth  remained  more  repugnant  and  repellent,  and 
I  speak  of  super  wealth,  of  which  Shanghai  had  more  of  her 
share  that  any  other  place  on  the  globe.  Annie  and  I  met 
two  of  these  mul/i-multi  millionaires  (and  I  met  three). 
They  simply  depressed  us  because  we  couldn't  make  up  our 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it!       -  244  - 


minds  if  they  actually  belonged  to  the  human  race  we  knew. 


f 


The  worst  of  the  lot  were  the  super-rich  Chinese. 


As 


often  as  not  they  totally  lacked  compassion  for  their  poor 
compatriots  -  as  nowadays  the  wealthy  Sout-American  land- 
owners lack  compassion  for  the  down-trodden  masses  in  their 
countries  and  thus  nolens  volens  drive  them  into  the  greedy 
claws  of  Communist  agitators.  Communism,  after  all,  is  be- 
coming more  and  more  a  world-wide  mental  illness. 

The  man,  a  Chinese  of  tremendous  wealth,  who  owned  the 


Casanova  and  Majestic  B;^llrooms  as  well  as  the  Canid 


rome 


and  many  other  enterprises  including  a  heap  of  real-estate, 
seldom  left  his  mansion  and  the  large  rock  garden  compound, 
fenced  in  by  a  high  stone  wall  and  patrolled  day  and  night 
by  armed,  burly  White-Russian  guards.  Whenever  he  had  to 
leave  his  fortress,  four  of  the  heavily  armed  body  guards 
were  standing  on  the  running  boards  of  the  specially  built, 
bullet-proof  limousine.  The  ever-present  danger  of  being 
kidnaped  inspired  this  wealthy  Chinese  (as  it  did  others 
of  his  class)  to  disguise  himself  as  a  beggar  by  wearing 
old  and  torn  clothing. any  time  he  ventured  out.  Of  course, 
it  was  ridiculous.  What  beggar  would  ride  in  a  Rolls  Royce 
or  Ca4i;.lac?  Although  kidnaping  was  a  great  sport  in  Shang- 
hai, tL  must  be  emphasized  that  the  well-organized,  profess- 
ional Shanghai  kidnapers  could  not  be  called  ordinary  crimnals. 

They  definitel^y  ha^  a  special  honor  code.  They  were  no  killers, 
n  if  they/Tcv^'^ld  their  victims  for  a  lengthy   time. 


eve 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  245  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  199  - 


They  were  in  the  business   for  the  large  sums  of  ransom 
money  they  demanded  and  after  a  period  of  bargain^  they 
eventually  could  expect  to  receive.  A  dead  victim  was  very 
bad  publicity  and  would  make  them  lose  face.  No  one,  not 
even  kidnapers,  cared  to  lose  face.  It  was  the  most  dreaded 
misfortune. 

The  first  time  the  big  boss  showed  up  at  the  Casanova 


one  evening  I  almost  committed  the  worst  of  all  blund 


ers. 


I  was  about  to  refuse  admitting  this  man,  who  looked  like 
a  beggar  or  rather  a  poor,  old  man,  clad  as  he  was  in 
dirty  rags.  Luckily  the  waiter  captain  spotted  him  at  the 
same  time  as  I  and  wised  me  up.  The  captain  bowed  deeply 
to  him  as  I  let  the  man  pass,  not  knowing  how  to  greet 
him.  I  can't  tell  why,  but  I  couldn't  help  feeling  great 
pity  for  this  old  man  as  I  watched  him  shuffling  up  the 
stairs  to  the  balcony  where  Wong,  who  was  as  I  learned 
then,  a  nephew  of  his,  welcomed  him  with  deep  reverence. 


Unquestionably,  Annie  and  I  began  to 

prosper  in  Shanghai.  We  earned  money.  Not  too  much,  but 

enough  to  keep  us  going  as  long  as  we  continued  living 

modestly.  We  had  moved,  though,  to  a  larger  room  a  floor 

below  and  paid  fifteen  instead  of  seven  dollars  rent.  We 
inherited/ 
/Wt   big, "flying  cockroaches  in  the  bargain,  but  one  get 

used  to  every,  and  anything.  We  managed  to  put  a  few  dollars 


and  Whitey  Smith  with  his  musicians.  The  entire  American 

community  in  Shanghai  attended  and  Annie  had  been  engaged 

by  Chaplain  Witherspoon  to  sin^  the  American  National  Anthem 

to  start  the  celebration  and  then  later  whatever  songs 

she  herself  chose.  It  was  a  great  night  for  her  and  it 

placed  her  solidly  in  the  front. rank  of  all  entertainers 

in  Shanghai.  The  one  song  that  really  brought  the  house 

down  was  her  rendition  of  the  hit  from  the  film  "Follow 

the  Fleet":  'I  joined  the  navy  to  see  the  world  and  what 

did  I  see?  I  saw  the  sea."  She  wore  a  specially  tailored 

American  sailor  uniform  and  with  the  round,  white  cap 

rakishly  sitting  on  her  tousled  brown  hair,  she  looked, 

as  a  high-ranking  British  guest  told  her,  simply  "smashing". 

It  was  a  great  evening  for  her,  but  1  couldn't  be  present. 

At  that  time  I  was  also  working  nights.  During  the  course 

of  that  one  night  she  was  asked  for  more  dates  by  bachelor 

officers  of  the  Fourth  Marines  than  she  would  have  been  able 

to  handle  in  a  year.  She  did  not  accept  a  single  one.  She 

was  not  only  brave,  talented,  but  also  faithful.  It  has 

elementary/ 
always  been  so/|m  for  me  to  love  her. 

Meanwhile  and  from  the  first  night  she  appeared  at 

The  Blue  Danube  Annie  pestered  Mr.  M.  to  do  something  for 

me.  It  was  not  so  easy.  I  cannot  sing.  In  fact,  I'm  as 

tune-deaf  as  a  dead  mackerel.  Yet  -  Mr.  M.  came  through^ 

placing  me  in  a  position  which  made  me  well-known  all 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing   came   of    ttl 


-  200  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  201  - 


over  the  Far  East.  Once  more  we  both  were  on  our  way  up  - 
but  that  was  all.  Once  more  our  hopes  were  set  high.  Please, 
don'tl  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti  This  time  the  Japanese 
intervened  by  attacking  Shanghai.  It  was  the  same  all 
over  again.  Through  no  fault  of  ours  our  promising 
careers  were  suddenly  cut  off  as  they  had  been  in  Nazi- 
Germany. 

The  gods,  who  promote  success,  were  against  us. 
Years  later  after  we  had  settled  in  Los  Angeles  I  was 
being  considered  for  parts  in  radio  dramatic  shows  by 
a  major  broadcasting  network.  You  guessed  it.  Please, 
don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI  I  was  not  yet  a  citizen 
and  America  had  just  been  drawn  into  the  war  against 
Japan  and  Nazi-Germany.  Without  rhyme  or  reason,  without 


any 


common  sense  we  refugees  from  Nazi-Germany  were  de= 


Glared  enemy  aliens  and  as  such  had  to  obey  a  stringent 
curfew  law  which  kept  us  at  home  after  eight  p.m.  each 
day.  That  ended  another  dream.  By  being  forced  off  the 
streets  after  eight  p.m.  I  could  not  play  any  roles 
during  prime  radio  time.  I  never  regained  the  chance, 
for  in  the  meantime  I  had  no  choice  but  to  work  outside 


the  entertainment  world. 


heart  out  at  The  Blue  Danube  each  night,  I  had  a  miser- 
able  time  for  myself.  The  money  she  earned  just  kept  us 
in  bread  and  butter  and  paid  the  rent.  Wliatever  was  left 
she  had  to  invest  in  new  evening  outfits,  the  uniform  of 
nightclub  singers.  We  could  not  yet  move  out  of  our  cheap, 
little  attic  room  -  so  humidly  hot  in  summer  and  freezingly 
cold  in  winter.  This  room  was  a  constant  reminder  of  our 
status  as  refugees.  Any  spare  time  we  had  we  used  to 
improve  our  English. 

Each  night  I  was  alone.  I  couldn't  sleep  while  Annie 
was  gone.  Shanghai  was  an  extra-oridinarily  noisy  city, 
day  and  night.  Street  vendors  were  calling  out  their  wares, 
rickshaw  coolies  were  fighting  and  shouting  for  customers. 
Other  coolies,  carrying  loads  on  long,  widely  swinging 
bamboo  poles  across  their  necks,  chanted  loudly  their 
"hei-ho,  hei-ho  -  make  way"  and  people  had  to  step  aside 
if  they  didn't  want  to  be  hit  by  the  ends  of  the  poles. 
Somewhere  was  always  a  walla-walla  around  street  noodle- 
kitchens,  or  at  night  one  could  hear  the  clacks  and  clicks 
of  mahjong  pieces.  The  Chinese  were  inveterate  gamblers. 
In  our  alley  Russian  refugee  women  always  gathered  to 
gossip  from  the  early  morning  hours  to  late  in  the  evening. 


Before  I  was  installed  as  the  floor  manager 


We  had  to  sleep  from  dawn  to  noon,  but  there  were  always 
noises  and  sounds  to  wake  us  up.  Strangely  enough  we  never 


of  the  Casanova  Ballroom  and  while  Annie  was  singing  her 


got  used  to  them. 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  202  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  203 


To  me  the  hardest  experience  was  to  learn  how  not  to 
be  jealous.  I  suffered  mentally,  thinking  about  Annie 
being  exposed  without  my  protection  to  strange  and  per- 
haps lecherous  men  at  the  nightclub.  I  felt  like  a  caged 

animal  in  our  narrow  room  and  quite  often  went  in  the 

hours  In  front  of/ 
middle  of  the  night  to  wait  iot/mmm  Wk    the  Paramount  building 
,^^!^^  ^^"^^  with  Annie  after  she  came  out  at  last./ 
'^^^^^^^   MBHHI  HHHHHBHI  &■■■■■  The  streets 

Shanghai  were  not  very  safe.  But  gradually  I  got  my  senses 
back.  I  could  not  afford  to  worry  myself  into  a  mental 
wreck.  Besides,  it  wasn't  in  my  nature  to  sit  around 
idly.  I  had  to  occupy  myself  (aside  from  reading)  and 
so  I  yielded  to  Annie's  ever  repeated  suggestion  to 
write  a  book  again.  One  night  I  started  on  it.  Despite 
my  initial  success  to  write  in  English,  I  wasn't  foolish 
enough  to  believe  that  I  already  could  do  a  full,  book- 
length  manuscript  in  any  other  language  but  German.  A 

relatively  short  article  was  a  different  matter  from  a 

It/ 

book.  So  I  wrote/VBBHV  in  German  and  managed  to  finish 

it  just  before  we  were  forced  to  escape  from  Shanghai 
over  two  years  later. 

Indeed,  writing  filled  many  of  my  empty  night  hours 
and  later,  when  I  also  had  a  job,  grew  into  a  compulsion 
which  to  stop  was  impossible.  Yet,  it  didn't  make  mc  any 
happier.  The  fact  is,  as  Robert  Ruark  wrote  in  his  book 


•'The  Honey  Badger"  that  "a  writer  is  really  only  ha 


ppy 


when  he  is  miserable  -  when  he's  shut  up  in  the  back 
room  with  a  typewriter  and  a  hunk  of  paper  with  no  words 
on  it.  Then  he  bitches  and  growls  and  screams  about  being 
tortured.  Writers  are  not  as  normal  as  men." 

A  writer  is  often  asked  how  he  got  the  idea  for  a 
book,  a  story,  an  article,  a  play  or  whatever  and  as 
often  as  not  he  himself  doesn't  know  the  answer.  What 
in  essence  is  an  idea?  It's  just  a  small  thought  which 
may  or  may  not  get  lost  in  the  mass  of  thinking  we  all 
do  all  the  time,  even  when  we  sleep  in  our  dreams.  If 
this  thought,  this  idea  sticks,  it  may  and  generally  does 
find  a  small  niche  in  one  of  the  many  recesses  of  the 
brain  or  the  mind,  if  you  will.  Sometimes  one  goes  pregnant 
with  such  a  thought^  such  an  idea  for  days,  or  months  and 
often  longer.  The  embryo  may  die  of  malnutrition  before 
it  gets  born  or  -  wonder,  oh  wonder  -  it  may  develop  into 
a  full-fledged  brain  child.  If  it  does,  your  troubles  begin 
You  wake  with  the  idea,  you  sleep  and  dream  with  it,  you 
eat  and  drink  with  it,  you  start  isolating  yourselfTrom 
your  surroundings  and  get  downright  asocial.  You  resent 
the  company  of  people  and  the  interference  by  outside 
sounds.  You  retire  into  yourself  and  away  from  social 
life.  Your  wife  (or  husband)  bears  the  brunt,  your  friends 
fail  to  understand  your  behaviour  toward  them.  You  start 
jotting  down  notes  and  the  time  comes  when  you  have  to 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    204   - 


Please,    don't   worryl    Nothing  came  of    iti 


-  205  - 


sort  these  flMB  notes  which  you  had  thrown  helter-skelter 
into  a  box.  Thousands  and  thousands  of  unconnected  words 
and  sentences,  and  sometimes  whole  paragraphs  and  dialogues 
have  to  be  categorized.  One  miserable  day  you  actually  roll 
the  first  blank  sheet  of  paper  into  your  typewriter  from 
where  it  stares  at  you  menacingly.  At  last  you  hesitat=» 
ingly  type  the  first  words  and  you're  caught  like  in 
quicksand.  For  weeks,  for  months  and  sometimes  for  a  year 
or  more  you  sit  at  your  typewriter  for  so  many  hours  a 
day  and  work.  You  feel  slightly  relieved  when  you're  done 
with  the  first  draft  of  the  book,  although  you  know  a 
book  is  not  written,  it  is  re-written  and  re-written, 
pruned  or  enlarged,  until  you  think  you're  satisfied.  The 
last  copy  is  being  typed.  You  proof-read  it  and  here  and 
there  you'll  re-write  again.  At  last  you'll  send  the  manu= 
script  out  and  more  often  than  not  it  will  come  back  to 
you  after  weeks  or  months.  Well,  you  mail  it  out  again 
and  chances  are  it  will  come  back  again.  Only  seldom  has 
an  editor  the  time  to  explain  the  reasons  behind  the 
rejection.  If  you're  lucky,  one  of  these  editors  will 
find  sufficient  merit  and  market-value  in  the  manuscript 
to  accept  it.  Generally  he  will  request  more  re-writing 
done  until  finally  you're  so  sick  and  tired  of  your  own 
book  that  the  actual  publication  is  an  anti-climax. 

However,  if  you  ask  me  how  1  got  the  idea  to  the 


book  I  started  writing  in  our  small  attic  room  in  Shang» 
hai,  I'm  able  to  give  you  an  answer.  There  was  no  pregnan' 
cy  at  all  or  very  little.  It  rose  out  of  the  ashes  like 
the  legendary  bird,  the  Phoenix.  I  still  felt  very  bitter 
about  Nazi-Germany,  about  having  being  forced  to  flee  for 
our  lives,  for  the  damnable  persecution  of  the  Jews  and 
for  sitting  in  a  back  attic  room  each  night  by  myself. 
I  was  bitter  all  right  and  so  I  was  ripe  emotionally  to 
fall  back  on  my  most  cherished  vocation.  Yet,  I  myself 
did  not  give  birth  to  the  idea  for  this  book  or  for  the 
story  in  its  essence.  I  plotted  it  and  enlarged  it  and 
in  a  way  perhaps  dramatized  it.  Friends  of  ours  planted 
the  story,  or  at  least  part  of  the  story,  into  my  mind 
as  I  explained  in  a  foreword.  The  German  title  was:  ''Das 
ist  kalter  Progrom" .  That  is  cold  pogrom.  In  the  English 
translation  it  was  shortened  to  "Cold  Pogrom".  As  titles 
go,  it  was  a  bad  one.  Too  few  people  know  what  a  pogrom 
is.  In  case  you  don't,  let  me  quote  Noah  Webster.  A  po= 
grom  is  organized  slaughter  of  helpless  people,  particu= 
larly  with  official  sanction  as  the  massacre  of  Jews. In 
the  beginning  of  the  Hitler  regime  the  Nazis  did  not  yet 
pursue  a  hot  pogrom,  that  is  wholesale  slaughter  of  Jews. 
They  wAecL  cold  methods  as  depriving  the  Jews  of  their 
livelihood,  robbing  them  of  their  possessions  and  abolish' 
ing  their  civic  rights. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  cnme  of  iti 


-  206  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  207  - 


There  Is  another  question  which  pops  up 
every  once  In  a  while.  How  does  one  become  a  writer? 
Fact  is,  one  doesn't  become  a  writer.  Either  one  is  a 


writer  or  one  is  not.  It  Is  that  simple.  No  school  c 


an 


teach  anyone  how  to  become  a  writer.  It  can  teach  certain 
techniques  or  methods,  some  styles  and  a  good  command  of 
the  language.  That's  all  and  none  of  these  lessons  are 
essentially  of  any  value,  If  the  talent  Is  missing.  If 
one  has  the  talent,  it  will  come  out  sooner  or  later. 
One  has  to  learn  by  trial  and  error,  that  is  In  a  hap= 
hazard  way  and  one  has  to  develop  one's  own  method,  style 
and  technique.  All  of  It  often  takes  years,  agonizing 
years  cf  sweat  and  frustration.  The  worst  feature  of  being 
a  serious  writer  Is  that  one  has  caught  the  bug.  One  never 
can  stop.  Failure  or  success  doesn't  Influence  your  com= 
pulsion  to  write.  In  a  way  writing  Is  a  mental  aberration, 
a  sickness  of  the  mind,  if  you  will.  Yet,  for  all  the 
love  and  money  In  the  world  I  would  not  like  to  be  cured 
from  this  often  heart-breaking,  wonderful  ailment.  Here 
I  have  to  paraphrase  Gertrude  Stein  who  might  have  answer= 
ed  the  question  by  telling  you  that  "a  writer  Is  a  writer 


is  a  writer. 


'/ 


How  then  did  I  start  out?  How  did  I  catch  this  dls= 
ease  of  the  mind?  If  you  want  an  answer,  you'll  have  to 


bear  with  me  because  I'll  have  to  go  back  In  time,  far 
back.  In  case  It  will  bore  you,  you  may  skip  these  pages 
the  same  as  you  will  turn  to  another  TV  channel  If  you 
don't  like  the  show  on  the  one  you're  watching.  I  won't 
hold  It  against  you  If  you  do. 

During  my  formative  years  It  never  had  crossed  my 
mind  that  I  would  become  a  writer.  As  a  young  man  my 
Interests  were  acting,  reading,  horses  and  girls  -  In 
that  order.  A  year  after  I  had  gotten  home  from  the  war 
I  obtained  my  first  engagement  as  an  actor  In  a  pro= 
vlnclal  town  In  Schleswlg-Hols teln.  There  the  conductor 
of  the  municipal  orchestra  was  obsessed  by  the  Idea  of 
wanting  to  compose  the  music  for  an  operetta.  He  searched 
for  some  one  to  write  a  libretto  and  for  no  reason  I 
could  account  for  he  zoomed  In  on  me .  I  was  his  man  and 
none  of  my  refusals  did  any  good.  It  came  to  the  point 


that  I  wanted  to  run  away  whenever  I  saw  him.  After  s 


ome 


months  he  had  worn  me  down,  and  I  promised  to  think  about 

it.  Being  as  unmusical  as  I  am,  I  could  not  write  anything 

to  fit  any  melodies  of  his.  He  had  to  fit  his  music  to 
my  words. 

One  early  morning  (It  always  happens  to  me  early  In 
the  morning)  I  got  a  flash,  a  brain-wave  or  whatever  you 
may  call  It.  My  mind  had  produced  a  vague  Idea  for  a  li- 
bretto. Before  1  knew  it,  I  was  caught  like  in  a  maelstrom 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of    it! 


-    208    - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of    it! 


-  209  - 


I  had  to  swim  to  get  out  of  it  if  I  didn't  want  to  drown. 
Within  a  few  weeks  I  wrote  the  libretto,  story,  plot  and  r«p 
songs.  The  whole  bit.  I  still  wonder  how  I  ever  did  it. 
Although  I  remember  the  title  "Die  Apachen  Koenigin" 
(The  Queen  of  the  Apaches),  I  haven't  retained  the 
faintest  idea  what  it  was  all  about.  We  produced  it 
first  in  our  municipal  theatre  after  we  had  invited  as 
many  crtics  as  we  knew.  To  our  surprise  several  of  them, 
representing  out-of-town  papers,  showed  for  the  opening 
night.  The  operetta,  music,  libretto  and  production  ap= 
pealed  to  them.  We  received  prating  reviews  which  in  turn 
induced  several  producers  to  come  and  see  the  show.  One 
of  them  offered  us  a  nationwide,  quite  favorable  contract 
which  we  were  only  too  happy  to  sign.  Vt\o   could  blame  us 
that  we  Relieved  to  have  written  a  number  one  hit?  We 
haa:  struck  gold,  so  we  thought.  Please,  don't  worry  1 
Nothing  came  of  it.  I  was  not  destined  to  strike  it  rich. 
The  day  after  we  had  signed  and  mailed  the  contract  and 
before  the  producer  could  return  our  copies  with  his 
signature  my  composer  friend  got  himself  arrested  for 
playing  around  with  under-aged  girls,  making  one  of  them 
pregnant.  He  was  tried  and  sentenced  to  a  minimum  of 
ten  years  in  prison.  It  was  his  third  conviction  for  the 
same  offense.  Unluckily  I  had  not  known  about  it. The 
entire  music  score  of  the  operetta  had  disappeared.  I 


visited  that  man  in  prison,  but  he  stubbornly  refused 
to  tell  me  where  he  had  hidden  the  one  and  only  exist- 
ing music  score  and  orchestra  arrangement.  He  was  para- 
noi^ally  suspicious  that  I  might  cheat  him  out  of  the 
royalties  due  him  while  he  was  sitting  behind  bars,  not 
musical  bars  of  course,  but  those  made  of  iron.  Anyway, 
that  was  the  end  of  my  career  as  a  librettist,  but  the 
beginning  of  my  career  as  a  writer.  I  had  caught  the  bug. 
Some  of  my  first  stories  and  articles  began  to  sell.  That 
did  it.  I  became  a  theatrical  and  art  correspondent  for 
a  number  of  newspapers  throughout  German  language  countries 
During  the  last  years  before  Hitler  came  to  power  I  was 


no 


t  only  acting,  directing  and  producing,  but  also  writ= 


ing  a  weekly  anti-Nazi  and  anti-Communist  column.  I  wrote 
plays  for  the  stage  and  radio.  In  short,  I  was  on  the 
way  up  to  the  top.  Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came 
of  it!  Hitler  put  a  stop  to  my  carrer. 

In  the  fall  of  1932  Hans  Albers,  the  then  most  pro= 
minent  German  actor,  called  me  one  day  from  his  hotel  room, 
while  he  was  in  Hamburg,  and  asked  me  to  come  and  see  him. 


He  had  something  to  talk  over  with  me.  Well  -  a  call  f 


rom 


Hans  Albers  was  like  a  royal  command.  I  went  and  saw  hi 


m 


the  next  morning,  and  he  plied  me  with  one  hundred  years 
old  Napoleon  Cognac  which  was  as  heavy  and  potent  as  any 
alcoholic  beverage  can  be.  I  wasn't  much  of  a  drinker  and 


Please,  don^Aworryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing',  cnmc   of  it! 


-  211  - 


-  210  - 


and  never  imbibed  in  the  morning.  That  over-agid  cognac 
went  to  my  head  fast  and  before  we  got  around  to  talking 
business  1  was  gone  far  enough  to  sign  my  o\-m   death  warrant 
without  hesitation,  and  so  in  a  way  1  did.  At  least  Annie 
and  I  thought  so  after  ray  mind  had  cleared  again.  Without 
giving  it  a  second  thought  I  promised  him  by  all  that 
was  sacred  to  me  to  write  a  play   tailor-made  for  him 


an 


d  to  which  he  would  own  all  the  production  rights.  That 


by  itself  was  not  too  bad.  However   if  I  had  been  sober 

have/ 
(and  he  must/known  it,  the  son-of-a-gun) ,  1  never  would 

have  solemnly  agreed  to  write  the  play  within  the  span  of 

six  weeks  by  which  time  he  would  be  back.  He  didn't  give 


me 


a  single  idea  of  what  kind  of  play  he  wanted  other  than 


that  his  part  had  to  be  different  from  whatever  he  had 
done  before.  It  was  a  tall  order,  but  he  insisted  on  it 
and  expected  to  see  the  finished  manuscript  after  these 

six  weeks. 

Coming  home  to  Annie  I  told  her  what  I  had  done.  She 
said  -  and  rightly  so  -  that  I  wasn't  only  drunk  but  also 
totally  out  of  OH  my  mind.  But  that  was  neither  here  nor 
there.  Hans  Albers  had  my  s^gnature  under  a  generous  con= 
tract  and  I  had  to  fulfill  my  obligation. 

One  of  the  many  reasons  why  it  is  such  a  pleasure 
to  be  married  to  Annie  was  and  is  that  one  could  be  silent 
with  her  without  her  taking  any  offense.  For  six  weeks  we 


didn't  speak  to  each  other  or  hardly  so.  For  two  weeks 

I  wrecked  my  brain  for  an  idea  and  then  I  wrote  the  manu= 

script  in  four.  I  actually  did. 

Six  weeks  to  the  date  I  had  seen  him,  Hans  Albers 

was  back  in  Hamburg.  He,  too,  had  been  born  in  Hamburg 

and  his  father  had  a  butcher  shop  there.  Whenever  Hans 

could  he  came  visiting  his  old  man  to  whom  he  was  very 

close.  I  took  the  manuscript  to  him  and  he  read  it  in 

He/ 
one  night, /liked  it  and  asked  for  S( 


•    • 


ome  minor  revisions 


which  I  could  do  on  the  spot.  With  him  as  the  leading 
man  in  a  play  of  mine,  my  fame  as  a  writer  would  be 
established.  He  promised  to  assemble  the  best  cast  he 
could  get  and  would  premiere  the  play  in  Berlin  during  the 
1933  /  1934  season.  He  was  sure  it  would  have  a  long 
run  in  Berlin.  There-after  he  would  take  it  on  the  road 
all  over  Germany,  Austria  and  Switzerland.  Any  trans=» 


lation  rights  we  would  share  Bl  equally.  Finally  he 
arranged  for  me  a  contract  with  the  UFA  (Germany's 
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer)  for  writing  the  screen  play.  To 
make  it  short  and  sweet  -  there  was  no  doubt  anymore 
that  at  last  I  had  made  it. 

Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it!  After  Hitler 
took  over  on  January  3oth,  1933,  all  contracts  I  had 
signed  were  cancelled  because  I  was  Jewish.  Haad  Albers 
himself  was  in  trouble.  His  girl  friend  was  Jewish,  and 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of   iti 


-    212    - 


he  was   ordered    to  ditch  her,    but  he  wasn't    the   kind   of  man 
to   take   orders   from  a    former  Austrian  bum.    He    took   his 
Jewish  girl    friend    to   London  and   there  married   her    for 
the    spite   of    it.    When   he   returned   to  Nazi-Germany    Hitler 
didn't  dare    to  have  him  arrested,    but  he  was    forbidden 
any   public  appearances.    Being  professionally   dead,    he 
retired    to  his   home    in    a  small    town    in  South    Bavaria 
and    told    the   Nazis    they   could   lick  his   behind    (pardon 
the    expression,    but   I'm   sure  you've    heard    it   before^), 
Hans   had   not   been    the   marrying   kind,    but    the   Nazis   got 
his    goat    and    thank    the    Lord    he   wasn' t   the   only   German 
who    had    the  backbone    to   defy  Hitler    and   his   gangsters. 
There  were  many  others.    Millions    in    fact    and    that    is 
the    honest   truth.    A  quarter   of   a  million   of   these    brave 
German  anti-Nazis    had    to  pay  with   their   lives    for    their 
resistance. 


The    first    time  Mr.    M.    collected   his    ten 


percent   commission    from  Annie   she   point-blank    told    hi 


m 


that    he  had   to    find   a  job    for  me,    too.    After   all,    I    also 
had    learned   to   speak   English,    or  what  we   considered  was 
English. 

Of    literally    hundreds    of  nightclubs,    ballrooms    and 
honky-tonks   in   Shanghai    the    "Casanova"   on   Avenue   Edward   VII 
in  the  French   Concession  was    considered   as   one   of    the    two 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    it'. 


-    213    - 


most    prominent.    Only    the  "Delmonte"    could   equal    it.    The 
Casanova  was    Chinese   owned    and    its   general  manager,    Mr. 
Wong,    knew   the  nightclub  business   a    la  Shanghai  better 
than   anyone    else.    He  was   totally   self-educated,    had   n 
fantastic   head   for   figures    and    spoke    English    and    Russian 
well    enough    to  converse   easily    in  these    two   foreign   languages. 
The   Casanova   which   almost   exclusively  catered    to    foreign 
patrons,    could  not   do   without  a    foreign    floor   manager. 
Luckily    shortly  before    Annie   had   accosted  Mr.    M.    about 
me^    Wong   had    to    fire   his    floor  manager  because    this  man 
had    succumbed    to    the   temptations,    offered   by    the   American- 
style   bar   and    the    forty-five   beautiful   dance    girls.    He 
drank   and    fornicated   to   such   an    excess   that  he  more   and 


^ 


more   neglected  his    duties. 

As    so  often    in   life    it    was    more    important    to    be   at 
the    right    spot  at    the    right    time    than  having    the   neces= 
sary    experience.    Mr.    M.     introduced  me    to   Wong    by    telling 
him   that    I  happened   to    be  one  of    the    best-known  European 
ballroom  manager.     For   once    I   was    dishonest  enough    to  keep 
my  mouth    shuLalthough    it  was    the   most   blatant    over-state= 
ment    of    the   century.    Timothy,    though,    nudged   me  and  giggled. 
The    true    fact   was    that    I   never  had  been    inside   any   ballroon}, 
leave   alone   managed  one.    But   apparently  Mr.    M.'s  word  was 
good   enough   for  Wong  or   -   as    I    later    suspected   -    I   was    the 
only   candidate   available   just   then.    Wong,    when   I    learned 
to   know  him  better,   was  much   too   shrewd   to  have  swallowed 


Please,    don't   worry!    Nothing   came   of    itl 


-  21'*  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  215  - 


such  obvious  balderdash.  To  be  on  the  safe  side  he  even 
didn't  inquire  what  ballrooms  or  nightclubs  I  had  ever 
managed.  I'm  sure,  Mr.  M.  would  have  named  half  a  dozen 
from  the  Folies  Bergere  in  Paris  to  the  Trocadero  in 
Hamburg.  Anyway,  Mr.  Wong  hired  me  on  the  spot  with  the 
understanding  that  I  would  start  working  that  very  night. 

I  was  so  green  that/even  didn't  know  what  a  ballroom 
or  nightclub  manager  was  supposed  to  wear.  Mr.  M.  made 
a  list  of  what  I  needed.  Luckily  we  had  enough  money  on 
hand  to  buy  in  the  afternoon  a  pair  of  black  trousers,  a 
black  curaberbund,  a  white  shirt,  a  black  bow  tie,  a  white, 
so-called  monkey  jacket  as  well  as  black  patent  leather 
shoes.  When  I  had  dressed  prior  to  leaving  for  the  Casa= 
nova  Annie  claimed  that  I  very  well  looked  my  part  -  as 
slick  as  a  Casanova.  After  the  first  night  we  dismally 
had  to  admit  that  I  had  to  have  a  clean  white  sh-^t  and 
monkey  jacket  each  night  and  at  least  a  change  of  trousers, 
cumberbund  and  tie  once  a  week.  All  we  earned  in  the  be= 
ginning  we  had  to  spend  on  our  professional  wardrobe. 

A  ballroom  as  well  as  a  nightclub  in  Shanghai,  when 
she  still  was  Shanghai,  had  a  flair  and  atmosphere  so 
unique  that  it  couldn't  be  compared  with  any  other  in 
the  world.  They  ranged  from  luxurious  elegance  to  simple, 
cheaply  adorned  halls.  Nonetheless,  they  all  did  a  flourish* 


At  the  Casanova  one  had  to  walk  up  a  wide,  fake- 
marble  staircase  to  an  elaborately  furnished  lounge  with 
its  cjoak-,  powder-,  and  restrooms.  To  the  right  two  steps 


down 


one  entered  the  American-style  bar. 


Another  two  steps  down  was  the  large,  rectangular  ball= 
room  which  if  necessary  could  seat  more  than  five  hundred 
guests.  At  one  of  the  long  sides  was  a  row  of  high  windows 
with  always  drawn,  heavy  drapes  and  at  the  opposite  long 
side  was  a  balcony  which  was  constantly  kept  in  semi- 
darkness  to  afford  male  guests  and  dance  girls  a  certain 
amount  of  privacy.  Up  there,  too,  was  Wong's  ever  dis=« 
orderly,  cramped,  small  office.  Most  of  the  night  he  was 
sitting  in  one  dark  corner  of  the  balcony  from  where  he 
could  observe  the  ballroom  activities  without  being  seen 
himself. 

During  the  first  weeks  I  had  the  creeping  feeling 
as  if  his  inscrutable  eyes  were  constantly  focused  on  me. 
If  you  have  seen  Leonardo  da  Vinci's  painting  of  the 
Mona  Lisa,  you'll  know  what  I  mean.  Whatever  your  po= 
sition  may  be  in  regard  to  the  picture,  her  eyes  never 
leave  you.  Wong  didn't  have  to  move  his  head  and  yet 
you  couldn't  escape  his  gaze.  Naturally,  it  made  me 
nervous  at  first  and  prodded  me  to  be  always  on  my  guard. 
I  was  very  unsure  of  what  he  would  do  in  case  he  caught 


Ing  business  for  reasons  I'll  have  to  explain  later. 


me  In  a  single  mistake  and  being  as  green  as  I  was  I  should 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  216  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  217  - 


have  been  prone  to  mistakes.  He  never  called  me  on  the 
carpet,  although  from  time  to  time  he  lectured  mc  as  to 
how  he  expected  me  to  act.  Gradually,  I  lost  my  inse= 
curity  and  forgot  about  being  watched.  He  and  I  became 
very  good  friends.  Despite  the  habitual  suspicion  of 
most  Chinese  toward  any  fan  guey  (foreign  devil)  Wong 
was  a  trusting  man  at  heart.  Basically,  he  didn't  harbor 
any  prejudices  and  once  he  felt  convinced  that  I  was  re- 
liable and  honest,  he  accepted  me  without  reservation. 
Through  him  I  have  grown  very  fond  of  the  Chinese  people 
-  with  the  exception  of  Chiang  Kai-Chek  and  Mao  Tse- 
Tung  and  their  entourage  which  included  Chiang  Ch'ing, 
Mao's  wife,  mm   the  most  blood-thirsty  murderess  in 
history. 


No  Shanghai  ballroom  could  do  business  without  a 
string  of  dance  girls,  most  of  them  were  white  Russians. 
Each  and  every  one  of  the  forty-five  Casanova  girls, 
carefully  selected  by  Wong,  was  a  beauty  queen  in  her 
own  right  and  well  trained  as  gold  diggers.  They  uere 
expected  to  wear  the  most  elegant  evening  gowns  and 
behave  in  a  lady-like  manner.  They  were  also  expected 
to  entice  our  male  patrons  to  spend  as  much  money  as 
possible,  but  in  the  process  at  working  toward  that  goal 
they  quite  often  forgot  thei A«nanners.  It  was  my  job  to 


keep  them  in  line  which  wasn't  always  easy,  although 

in  time  they  and  I  learned  to  like  one  another.  After 

all,  to  be  hired  into  the  Casanova  or  the  Delmonte  meant 

for  these  girls  to  have  reached  the  peak  of  their  pro=» 

at  small,  round  tables/ 
fession.  They  were  sitting /in  twos  or  tlirees  around 

three  sides  of  the  dance  floor  unless  they  were  invited 

to  join  patrons  at  their  tables  or  at  the  bar.  At  the 

far  end  of  the  ballroom  on  a  raised  platform  sat  the 

eleven  men  Filipino  dance  band,  the  best  of  its  kind 

in  all  East  Asia.  Behind  the  bandstand,  hidden  by  an 

elaborate  kind  of  stage  curtain,  were  the  service  bar 

and  kitchen. 

Sorry,  I've  got  to  describe  the  set-up,  otherwise 

you  won't  understand  Shanghai  nightlife.  The  waiters  as 

well  as  the  waiter  captain  were  all  wearing  spotless, 

white  uniforms  which  I  had  to  inspect  each  evening  be= 

fore  opening.  They  were  lined  up  in  a  long  row  and  I 

walked  along  like  a  company  commander.  One  of  the  most 

important  employees  was  the  dance-ticket  boy.  None  of 

the  girls  were  allowed  ever  to  accept  cash  for  their 

services.  The  patron4 bought  tickets  for  them  and  each 

evening  the  girls  turned  in  the  earned  tickets  and  once 

a  week  they  were  paid  their  fifty  percent  share.  Unless 

they  were  tourists,  guests  didn't  pay  cash  for  food  or 

drinks,  but  signed  chits  which  were  presented  to  them 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    218   - 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  219  - 


by  cotnpradores  at  the  end  of  each  month.  The  same  applied 
to  dance  tickets.  The  exception  were  officers  of  foreign 
navy  vessels  whose  chits  I  had  to  present  to  them  for 
payment,  depending  on  the  sailing  dates.  I  received  a 
ten  percent  commission  for  any  amount  I  collected. 

The  only  one  not  dressed  In  black  and  white  or  only 
white  was  Wong  who  never  mingled  with  the  guests.  Without 
fall  he  wore  a  blue  serge  suit.  Supposedly  he  bought  a 
new  one  once  a  year.  He  was  a  middle-aged  man,  self-made, 
self-educated  and  as  even-tempered  as  a  calm  mountain 
lake.  On  the  other  hand  I  never  saw  him  laugh  or  smile. 

All  In  all  the  Casanova  was  run  as  a  high-class, 
respectable  place  of  entertainment  -  as  far  as  respect= 
ability  went  in  this  morally  unrestrained  city.  At  the 
time  Wong  engaged  me,  neither  he  nor  Mr.  M.  told  me  any= 
thing  about  floorshows.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  the  best 
available  acts  were  booked  Into  the  Casanova. 

When  Wong  advised  me  shortly  before  eleven  o'clock 
the  first  night  that  I  had  to  announce  jflii  each  act  of 
the  floorshow,  I  couldn't  help  but  shake  In  my  shoes.  My 
heart  sank  way  down  where  it  didn't  belong.  I  was  simply 
not  yet  ready  for  such  an  experiment  although  I  had  acted 
as  M.C.  many  times  In  Germany.  But  nothing  Is  harder  than 
being  funny  In  a  foreign  language  and  w>cthout  preparation 
at  that.  The  Idea  of  going  out  on  the  dance  floor,  facing 


some  five  hundred  guests,  a  number  of  them  already  In  a 
state  of  Inebriation,  and  introducing  the  acts  In  English, 
trying  to  be  humorous  to  boot,  almost  Induced  me  to  take 
French  leave.  But  how  could  I?  I^ever  anyone  needed  the 
job.  It  was  1.  I  had  no  choice  but  to  pull  my  heart  up 
to  where  It  belonged  and  then  went  In  search  of  the 
entertainers'  dressing  rooms.  The  least  1  had  to  know 
were  the  names  of  their  acts  and  what  they  were  doing. 
It  didn't  help  much  and  I  was  afraid  my  mind  would  be  conk- 
ing out  on  me.  Despite  the  notes  1  had  jotted  down,  how 
the  hell,  I  thought,  would  my  English  stand  up  In  front 
of  a  large  audience?  The  floor  show,  I  felt  for  sure, 
would  floor  me  (pardon  the  pun)  -  or  at  least  I  expected 
It  to  do  just  that.  I  had  little  doubt  that  I  would  flop 
terribly  as  an  M.C.  and  It  would  spell  the  end  of  my 
job.  My  newly  acquired  knowledge  of  English  was  just  not  ym 
yet  up  to  par  for  exposing  It  In  public. 

There  are  moments  In  every  person's  life  when  he  or 
she  feels  cornered  or  when  he  or  she  has  him-  or  herself 
painted  into  a  "no  exit"  spot.  Only  a  miracle  or  a  brain- 
storm could  get  him  or  her  out.  Well  -  I  think  when  one 
is  desperate  enough,  one  either  has  to  give  up  or  one 
has  to  have  a  brainstorm.  Where  that  brainstorm  comes  from, 
one  seldom  remembers.  I  had  the  kind  of  brainstorm  which 
made  me  famous  all  over  the  Far  East.  Wherever  I  went 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    iti 


-  220  - 


later  -  Japan,  Hong  Kong,  Manila,  even  Singapore  -  the 
press  was  there  for  shot^and  interviews.  I  was  known  as 
"Max  of  the  Casanona" . 

I  had  actually  staggered  away  from  Wong.  At  the  very 
moment  the  lights  were  dimmed  in  the  big  dance  hall  and 
the  spot  lights  centered  on  the  dance  floor  for  me  to 
come  out,  I  was  prepared  to  lay  the  biggest  egg  anyone 
in  my  position  ever  had  layed.  I  had  resigned  myself  to 
the  sad  fact  that  this  would  be  the  first  and  last  day 
of  my  job.  My  mind  was  a  total  blank  as  I  slowly  stepped 
into  the  center  spotlight  and  waited  for  the  audience 
to  stop  talking.  How  it  came  to  me  what  1  said,  I  never 
will  know.  I  just  introduced  myself  by  name  and  then  - 
silence  on  my  part. 

There  was  only  one  thing  I  knew  for  certain  -  1  could 
not  remain  silent.  I  had  to  say  something  however  silly  or 
stupid.  All  of  a  sudden,  born  in  the  sweat  of  desperation 
and  if  conjured  up  by  some  magic,  words  issued  from  my 
throat  and  my  mind  as  if  they  had  been  there  all  the 
time.  I  smiled  -  or  at  least  I  thought  I  was  smiling  - 
and  then  I  addressed  the  audience  which  1  luckily  could 
not  see.  My  eyes  were  blinded  by  the  spotlight  on  me. 
I  said,  trying  to  be  as  articulate  as  I  possibly  could 
manage,  "I  have  to  beg  your  indulgence,  (or  something 


of  the  kind.  I  don't  remember  the  exact  words  and 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  221  - 


"indulgence",  I  think,  was  too  high-f aluting  for  me  at 
the  time),  but  this  happens  to  be  my  first  night  at  the 
Casanova  and  only  a  few  minutes  ago  I  had  been  told  to 
announce  the  acts  of  our  floor  show.  As  a  matter  of  fact, 
I  even  didn't  know  we  had  a  floor  show."  Of  course,  I 
didn't  express  myself  as  well  as  I'm  writing  all  this 
down  now,  but  It's  the  gist  of  what  I  said.  I'm  sure, 
my  voice  was  kind  of  tremulous,  but  I  didn't  stop.  I 
kept  on  talking  as  if  I  were  playing  the  tape  of  a 
sound  track,  mechanically  so  to  speaki,  fully  unaware 
that  this  little,  almost  meaningless  speech  would  make 
all  the  difference  between  failure  and  success.  "I  came 
to  Shangha^only  two  months  ago  with  little  knowledge  of 
the  English  language.  As  you  can  hear,  It  still  Is  very 
faulty,  and  please  whenever  I  make  a  mistake  just  call  out 
and  rectify  me." 

Some  one  In  the  audience  called  loudly,  "Man,  we 
won't  rectify,  but  correct  you." 

Laughter  I  GreClty    long  laughter  and  applause  I  I  bowed 
and  after  the  applause  and  laughter  abated,  I  acknowledged: 
"Thank  you,  1  stand  corrected.  As  I  said,  my  name  Is  Max 
Berges,  and  If  you'll  call  me  'Max',  I  think  you  and  I 


.  n 


t 


will  soon  be  friends. 

Well,  I  made  a  lot  of  mistakes  and  a  lot  of  friends 
The  word  got  around  what  fun  it  was  to  correct  me.  My 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  222  - 


malaproplsms,  Incidental  at  first  and  Intentional  later, 
became  so  well  known  that  some  of  them  became  household 
words  among  the  English  speaking  Shanghailanders .  It 
grew  into  a  real  sport  between  myself  and  the  Casanova 
patrons.  Although  I  knew  better,  I  might  say  one  night, 
"Ladies  and  gentlemen,  forgive  me  for  dis interrupting 
you."  Naturally,  a  howl  went  up  andOozens  of  guests 
corrected  me.  Or  I  would  say  that  "on  the  way  to  the 
Casanova  1  had  a  mis-experience."  Or;  "I've  got  something 
to  tell  you.  If  you  hear  it,  your  eyes  will  pop  off."  I 
intentionally  mispronounced  words  and  exaggerated  the 
hard  German  sound  "ss"  for  the  damnable  "th".  In  any 
event  until  the  last  night  of  my  engagement  at  the  Casa= 
nova  I  simply  had  to  invent  funny  malapropisms  or  ex= 
pressions,  and  I  really  worked  hard  on  doing  so  as  time 
went  on.  Although  many  of  our  regular  patrons  knew  I  could 
speak  a  fairly  decent  English  by  then,  everyone  expected 
that  I  would  announce  the  floor  show  in  my  double-talk. 
It  got  to  the  point  that  many  Far  East  travelers  heard 
of  it  and  visited  the  Casanova  to  listen  to  me.  The  enter= 
tainers  often  complained  that  I  stole  the  whole  show. 

The  Casanova  Ballroom  was  advertised  (and  rightly 
so)  as  Shanghai's  foremost  Cabaret.  Soon  after  I  had 
been  installed  as  its  floor  manager,  newspaper  ads  and 
write-ups  included  statements  like  "Max  Berges  has  been 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  223  - 


here  a  short  while  ,  but  has  become  a  landmark  at  the 


# 


Casanova."  To  me  this  kind  of  publicity  was  terrible, 
but  I  kept  my  mouth  shut,  figuring  that  one  day  I  could 
hit  Wong  for  a  raise  on  account  of  it.  Then  one  day  my 
picture  (I  still  have  it)  was  featured  in  a  Shanghai 
newspaper,  bearing  the  caption  which  I  simply  couldn't 
ignore.  It  read:  "Max  Berges,  formerly  a  well  known  actor 
in  Germany,  is  now  the  manager  of  the  Casanova.  Although 
he  has  onjy  been  connected  with  the  popular  cabaret  for 
a  short  period,  he  is  gaining  a  host  of  friends  because 
of  his  affable  manners,  his  willingness  to  please  and 
his  ability  to  speak  with  guests  of  many  nationalities. 
He  knows  eight  languages  and  has  a  fair  understanding  of 
several  others.  He  is  an  outstanding  exception  and  has 
decidedly  become  an  asset  to  the  Casanova." 

To  say  the  least,  I  was  flabbergasted,  and  so  was 
Annie  as  well  as  Timothy  when  I  translated  the  caption 
to  him.  In  fact,  he  roared  w^h  laughter  which,  of  course, 
nobody  but  me  could  hear.  None  of  us  had  known  that  I  spoke 
eight  languages  and  understood  several  others.  Sure,  I 
spoke  German,  some  English  and  French,  but  that  was  all. 
As  for  being  such  an  asset,  I  concluded  that  the  time 
had  come  to  ask  for  a  raise  in  i^ay.  I  had  accepted  too 
low  a  salary  anyway,  being  more  intent  on  getting  the  Job 
than  jeopardizing  it  by  bickering  for  more  money. 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   it  I 


-  224  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  225  - 


m- 


That  evening  I  confronted  Wong,  showing  him  the  news- 
paper with  my  picture  and  the  strange  caption.  He  serenely 
looked  at  me.  "Very  satisfactory  publicity,"  ho  said.  "Must 


make  you  feel  very  good. 


If 


"Sure,  it  makes  me  feel  good,  but  will  you  please  tell 
me  what  eight  languages  I'm  speaking?"  I  shouldn't  have 
asked  if  I  had  been  smart.  If  he  believed  I  spoke  eight 
languages  that  should  have  been  good  enough  for  me. 

"Well,"  he  said,  "I've  been  watching  you,  and  it  has 
pleased  me  greatly  that  you're  a  linguist."  Despite  his 
simple  manners  his  way  of  speaking  was  somewhat  pompous 
as  if  he  enjoyed  to  sound  like  a  learned  man.  "Mr.  M. 
did  not  mention  it  when  he  brought  you  here.  I  knew  you 
spoke  German  and  English,  but  when  I  heard  you  talking 
in  their  native  languages  to  patrons  from  Denmark  or 
Holland,  Hungary  or  Switzerland,  Austria  or  Czecho- 
slovakia, Poland  or  Norway  and  Sweden  to  name  a  few^ 
I  really  was  impressed.  You're  a  good  man  to  have  around 
here." 

It  was  not  good  Chinese  manners  to  praise  some  one 
to  his  face,  but  Wong  was  something  special.  All  of  us 
who  worked  for  him  (including  and   especially  the  girls) 
grew  very  much  attached  to  him. 

His  praise  really  caught  me  by  surprise.  I  had  not 
expected  it  and  for  a  moment  I  was  at  a  loss  how  best  to 


utilize  it.  I  decided  on  a  straight-forward  attack.   Mr. 
Wong,"  I  asked,  "saying  as  you  do  that  I'm  a  good  man 
around  here,  would  that  induce  you  to  double  my  salary?" 

The  request  for  twice  my  pay  was  as  the  Jews  say 
plain  "chutzpah"  -  impertinence  and  generally  I  had  very 
little  of  it.  Naturally,  he  didn't  feel  induced  at  all 
to  go  that  far.  In  fact,  he  wasn't  that  un-Chinese.  For 
that  matter,  I'm  sure,  any  boss  anywhere  could  not  be  so 
easily  induced  to  double  any  salary.  However,  without 
any  bargaining  (another  surprise)  he  gave  me  a  fifty 
percent  raise  which  was  remarkable  for  him  as  well  as 
for  me.  This  would  have  been  an  opportunity  for  him  to 
smile,  but  he  didn't.  He  remained  as  solemn  as  ever  when 
he  told  me:  "You  see,  I  back  up  my  opinion  about  you. 
You  also  do  very  well  with  our  girls.  Most  of  my  former 
foreign  managers  had  affairs  with  some  of  the  girls.  That 
undermines  morale  and  his  superiority  of  command.  We  had 
lots  of  trouble  on  account  of  it.  Others  drank  too  much 


w 


ith  our  patrons.  It  pleases  me  that  you  don't  get  in= 


volved  personally  with  the  girls  and  that  you  don't 


drink  on  the  job. 


V 


Wong  and  l/remained  on  these  friendly  terms  to  the 
end  when  all  entertainment  places  in  Shanghai  were  closed 
in  August  of  1937  as  a  result  of  the  Japanese  invasion.  I 


ne 


ver  told  him  that  1  was  anything  but  a  linguist.  The 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  246  - 


aside  each  month.  In  our  precarious  situation,  having  no 
citizenship  status  whatsoever,  we  never  could  feel  secure. 
We  had  to  have  a  few  dollars  in  the  bank  to  fall  back  on 
in  case  it  started  raining  again.  All  in  all,  though,  life 
didn't  look  so  bleak  anymore.  We  were  building  up  new 
careers  and,  not  being  the  complaining  types  anyway,  had 
little  to  complain.  We  had  made  a  few  friends  and  acquired 
many  acquaintances.  We  had  lost  a  past  and  in  a  debatable 
way  we  could  look  forward  to  a  perhaps  promising  future 
again.  Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 

More  and  more  praising  write-ups  appeared  about  us 
in  the  daily  press.  But  there  was  more  to  my  job  than 
just  pleasing  the  Casanova  patrons.  Nobody  can  please 
everybody  all  the  time,  and  neither  could  I.  We  had  our 
share  of  obstreperous  guests,  troublemakers,  vulgar  drunks, 
fights  and  parties  which  got  out  of  hand  before  I  could 


prevent  it. 


foreign/ 
One  night  half  a  dozen  drunk^iavy  officers  in  mufti 

had  me  against  the  wall,  threatening  to  beat  me  to  pulp 


un 


less  I  allowed  six  girls  to  leave  the  Casanova  with 


them  without  exerting  extra  payment  for  them.  With  my 
back  protected  by  the  wall  I  stood  my  ground.  A  real 
fight  was  finally  averted  when  our  giant  doorman  and 
bouncer  Ivan  interfered.  A  later  complaint  by  Wong  to 
the  officers'  commanding  captain  resulted  in  an  official 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  247  - 


• 


apology. 

On  another  occasion  we  had  a  group  of  belligerent 
German  and  another  group  of  as  belligerent  French  guests 
at  the  same  time.  Since  the  assent  of  Hitler  Frenchmen  and 
Germans  in  groups  acted  out  their  hostilities  after  a  few 
drinks.  I  wisely  had  seated  the  two  parties  on  opposite 
sides  of  the  dance  floor.  It  didn't  take  long,  however, 
until  the  trouble  started.  The  Germans  defiantly  began 
to  sing  their  national  anthem  "Deutschland .  Deutschland 
ueber  alles"  which  was  promptly  challenged  by  the  French 
national  anthem,  the  Marseillaise.  Soon  enough  a  battle 
of  national  songs  rendered  the  air  asunder  and  the  regular 
business  in  the  ballroom  grated  to  a  halt.  More  and  more 
guests  began  to  leave.  I  had  to  threaten  the  German  group 
(who  retaliated  by  shouting  anti-Semitic  obscenities  at 


me 


)  as  well  as  the  French  with  calling  the  police  unless 


they  stopped  singing  and  get  out  without  any  further  trouble. 
I  was  afraid  that  the  battle  of  songs  would  e/^pt  into  a 
battle  of  fists  and  the  by  now  empty  dance  floor  would 
serve  well  as  the  battle  field.  Neither  side  paid  any 
attention  to  my  entreaties  until  I  sent  for  Ivan  who  was 
black-bearded,  almost  seven  feet  tall  and  weighed  close  to 
three  hundred  pounds.  His  hands  looked  like  sledge  hammers. 
He  always  reminded  me  of  Ivan  the  Terrible,  and  I  was  sure 
that  a  single  blow  from  him  could  fell  an  ox.  He  could 


Please,  don't  worryl  Noyhing  came  of  iti 


-  248  - 


part  two  fighting  men  with  ease  and  take  them  downstairs 
and  out  of  doors  by  holding  them  by  their  coat  collars. 
Knowing  his  own  strength,  he  never  hit  anyone.  By  nature 
he  was  the  gentlest  of  men,  but  the  sight  of  him  put  the 
fear  of  God  into  any  troublemaker.  And  so  it  was  with  the 
German  and  French  song  battlers.  At  seeing  him  appear  on 
the  scene,  they  beat  a  retreat  after  Ivan  had  made  sure 
they  had  paid  their  bills.  Each  group  marched  out  in  for= 
mation  like  a  squadron  of  soldiers,  singing  to  the  last 
second.  So  often  grown  people  are  acting  much  sillier  than 


to/ 


playing  children. 


My  biggest  trouble  was  avoiding^di><nk<m  with  our 
guests.  I  could  not  simply  turn  down  the  many  invitations 
and  had  to  rely  on  our  bartenders  to  serve  me  a  special, 
non-potent  concoction  of  club  soda  with  a  shot  of  grenadine. 
Any  alcoholic  beverages  were  strictly  out,  even  if  the  one 
or  other  of  our  guests  might  feel  offended.  I  have  a  very 
low  capacity  of  absorbing  alcohol  and  had  to  keep  a  clear 
head  all  the  time.  Neither  could  1  sit  down  with  patrons 
at  their  table.  Once  I  did  that,  I  could  not  refuse  other 
guests  the  same  privilege.  If  I  wanted  to  remain  in  control 
of  the  entire  business,  I  had  to  remain  on  my  feet.  It 
often  posed  quite  a  problem  to  get  out  from  under  the 
stubborn  insistence  by  Inebriated  guests  to  join  them. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  249  - 


Annie  and  I  began  to  feel  that  we  were 
quite  well  established,  but  Timothy  had  other  Ideas.  He 
was  dissatisfied.  Very  much  so,  in  fact.  And  he  didn't 
mind  letting  me  know  about  it.  He  could  and  would  not 
adjust  to  being  compelled  of  living  (that's  what  he  said 
although  I  have  my  doubts  If  one  can  apply  the  word  'llv= 
Ing'  to  a  guardian  angel)  In  a  city  like  Shanghai.  He  con= 
sldered  It  very  unfair  and  even  complained  why  I  had  not 
been  provided  with  a  Jewish  guardian  angel  who  might  have 
had  a  better  understanding  for  my  problem.  He  was  not  pre* 
judlced  by  any  means,  he  assured  me.  He  was  not  permitted 
any  prejudice,  but  he  could  not  altogether  forget  that  he 
had  been  a  Christian  German  and  that  his  assignment  district 
had  originally  been  Germany.  Maybe  as  time  went  on  he  might 
learn  better.  Although  he  had  not  yet  earned  his  wings,  he 
could  not  possibly  anymore  be  concerned  with  political 
events  on  earth.  Once  one  was  In  the  employ  of  the  ce=» 


lestlal  state,  color,  creed,  or  race  didn't  make 


any 


difference  or  at  least  that  was  the  way  It  was  In  heaven. 

is/ 
He  had  also  been  told  that  God,  that/iUs  solrlt,  never 

entered  a  church  or  temple  where  a  congregation  excluded 

worshippers  on  account  of  their  color  or  social  standing, 

or  for  whatever  other  stupid  reason. 

All  this  was  all  right  by  him,  bMt    it  didn't  change 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  come  of  iti 


-  250  - 


the  fact  that  he  had  made  a  big  mistake  when  he  turned 
down  to  go  to  a  ghost  school.  He  had  been  given  the 
choice  either  to  start  out  as    a  ghost  or  a  guardian 
angel,  and  he  had  been  stupid  enough  to  have  chosen 
the  latter.  It  probably  would  have  been   much  easier 
and  more  fun  to  haunt  people  than  to  guard  them,  es= 
pecially  such  a  man  like  rpe.  It  was  quite  a  job  to  protect 
roe  and  often  Annie  as  well  in  a  city  where  an  underpaid 
policeman  could  be  bribed  with  fifty  dollars  to  look 
away  if  some  one  wanted  to  kill  some  one  else. 

I  truly  taxed  his  patience  to  the  limit  when  I 
accepted  the  invitation  of  a  friend  to  motor  with  him 
to  Nanking  for  a  day.  Whether  true  or  not^ the  rumors  had 
it  that  there  were  hordes  of  roving  bandits  in  the  country^ 
side.  Besides,  each  village  policeman  was  a  power  by  him= 
self  and  none  could  be  trusted.  A  foreigner,  as  a  means 
of  identification,  was  expected  to  hand  his  calling  card 
to  each  one  of  these  so-called  law-enforcers,  although  most 
of  them  could  not  even  read  the  Chinese  translation  of 
one's  name  on  the  back  side  of  the  card.  Going  on  a  motor 
trip  without  a  pack  of  calling  cards  was  an  invitation 
to  pay  some  sort  of  ransom  at  each  village  or  city  on 
the  way.  Whatever  these  policemen  did  with  the  cards  they 
thus  collected  was  a  mystery. 

Nothing  untoward  happened  to  us  on  the  way  to  Nanking. 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  251  - 


# 


My  friend  was  acquainted  with  the  infamous  hole  in  the 
center  of  the  road  as  one  drove  Into  Wusi.  This  well- 
camouflaged  hole  was  carefully  kept  in  good  condition. 
It  was  sufficiently  deep  and  sharp-edged  to  break  the 
axle  of  a  car  and  it  often  did  if  an  unsuspecting  driver 
hit  it  instead  of  detouring  it  by  slowly   driving  far  to 
one  side  of  the  road.  It  was  a  good  racket  for  the  one 
and  only  mechanic  in  Wusi  whose  garage  was  close  to  the 
hole.  In  fact,  this  hole  was  his  personal  property  and 
one  could  assume  that  the  mayor  and  police  chief  got 
their  monthly  pay-off.  The  mechanic  never  could  repair 
the  car  without  delay,  but  "by  and  by"  which  meant  that 
the  hapless  driver  and  company  had  to  stay  overnight  in 
Wusi.  The  local  population  not  only  ha<n^  their  fun  to  watch 
the  stupid  foreign  devils  (Chinese  always  laugh  at  others 
having  accidents),  but  some  of  them  -  as  for  instance  the 


hotel  owner  -  also  profited  by  the  hole.  Believe  you 


me 


that  nowhere  in  the  world  you  canP  escape  some  sort  of 
shakedown.  I've  come  to  believe  that  man  forever  is  dis- 
honest by  nature.  The  petty  thief,  the  quack  doctor,  the 
fake  evangelist,  the  politician  on  the  take  are  not  better 
than  any  professional  criminal.  What  a  paradise  this  world 
could  be  if  we  had  total  honesty  and  integrity.  Only  a 
foolish  dreamer  like  I  would  have  such  a  thought. 

While  my  friend  conducted  his  business  in  Nanking,  Timot^f/ 
and  I  went  sightseeing  in  a  rickshaw.  What  else  could  we  do? 
There  was  a  department  stOre  through  which  one  leisurely  could 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   it  I 


-    252    - 


ride   from  one   stall    to   the   other  and   from   floor    to    floor 

without    ever    leaving    the   vehicle.    It   was    the 
first   drive-in   I    encountered  and   I*m  sure   the   only   one 
in    the   world    at    that    time.    O^ierwise  Nanking,    being   then 
the   capital    of  China,    was    a  dusty,    unimprcssing   hick-town 
despite    some    formidable  government    buildings    in    tradition= 
al    Chinese   architecture.    It   could   not   stand    any   comparison 
to    the    former,    magnificent    capital,    Peking,    or  Peiping  as 
it   was    called  under   the   rule  of   Chiang   Kai-Chek.     It   had 
not    like    in   Peking  at    the    entrance    of   the   Forbidden  City 
a  "Tien   An  Men",    a  gate   of   heavenly    peace. 

Nanking  was    destined    to  become    the    scene   of    the 


mo 


St  unbelievable    atrocities,    committed    by   the   conquering 


Japanese    army . In    fact,    the    "Rape  of    Nanking"    cannot  be 
erased    from   the   annals    of  man's    inhumanities    to  man,    as 
the    genocide,    committed  by    the    Nazis,    or    the    mass-murder 
ordered    by  Stalin,    or    the    attack  on    Pearl    Harbor,    or 

the    dropping   of   atom  bombs    on  Hiroshima    and  Nagasaki, 

or    the  London    Blitz   and    the    aerial   destruction   of    Coventry, 
or    the   not- to-be-excused,    unnecessary   saturation   bombing 

of   Dresden,    where   more    people  perished   than    in  Hiroshima 

and    Nagasaki    combined,    or    the   present  bloody    imperialism, 

exhibited  by   Communist    Russia  and  China,    or   the   atrocities, 
bejjng/  North-Koreans,    the/ 

/flBHB0  committed  by    the^Vietcong    and   North- Vietnamese , 

can    or  will   ever  be    forgotten. 

We   departed    for  our  return    trip    to   Shanghai    later 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came    of   iti 


-    253   - 


• 


than  my  friend  had  promised.  I  had  to  be  at  the  Casanova 

at  eight  in  the  evening.  To  make  up  for  lost  time,  my 

friend  drove  very  fast,  not  minding  the  fact  that  the 

weather  turned  bad.  It  began  to  snow,  and  it  got  dark 

earlier  than  usual.  At  one  point,  when  visibility  had 

become  nil,  my  friend  missed  the  road  and  we  got  stuck 

in  a  muddy  rice  field.  There  was  no  traffic  at  all,  and 

we  certainly  were  in  trouble.  Timothy  was  as  mad  as  a 

hatter.  It  was  not  in  his  power  to  get  the  car  unstuck. 

All  he  was  able  to  do  vcaspreventing  us  from  freezing  to 

death,  although  in  his  opinion  we  didn't  deserve  his  help. 

He  hoped,  so  he  told  me,  that  my  friend  and  I  would  come 

down  with  a  miserable  cold  at  least.  He  could  be  mean, 

my  Timothy,  but  on  the  other  hand  I  couldn't  blame  him. 

It  was  kind  of  him  to  protect  my  friend   as  well  although 

he  was  not  dutibound  to  do  so.  Finally  in  the  early  morning 

hours  a  peasant  for  an  exorbitant  cumsha  (commission)  pulled 

us  out  with  a  team  of  oxen. 

Naturally,  Annie  was  frantic  when  -  tired  and  be= 

with/ 
draggled  -  I  got  home.  The  fact  that  Timothy  was/me  had 

been  her  only  consolation. 

After  I  had  told  her  about  our  misadventure,  had  her 

calmed  down,  had  taken  a  bath  and  eaten  a  substantial 

breakfast  to  satisfy  my  ravenous  hunger,  I  could  no 

longer  postpone  calling  Wong  and  apologize  for  not  showi-ng 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  carpe   of    iti 


-    254    - 


Please,    don't   worry!    Nothing  came   of    it! 


-  255  - 


up  the  previous  night.  Whether  or  not  he  would  accept  my 

apologies  was  another  matter.  Wong  never  seemed  to  sleep, 

or  if  he  did,  he  slept  very  little.  Perhaps  a  few  hours 

in  the  early  morning  and  an  hour  in  the  late  afternoon. 

At  night  he  always  manned  his  observation  post  on  the 

balcony  and  from  ten  in  the  morning  until  late  in  the 

afternoon  he  worked  in  his  tiny,  disorderly  office.  He 

never  told  me  if  he  had  a  family,  and  I  never  found  out. 

He  was  a  loner  for  all  I  knew.  He  didn't  have  a  secretary 

or  any  office  persqnelf.  He  did  all  that  work  himself  and 

only  once  a  month  the  company  auditor  showed  up  for  a  day. 

Well,  I  dreaded  to  tell  him  why '?!  hadn't  come  to  work.  He 

didn't  understand  that  anyone  ever  deserved  a  day  off. 

to/ 
"There  is  no  need  for  you/call  Mr.  Wong,"  Annie  told 

me.  "I  didn't  go  to  work  either  and  so  didn't  anyone  else." 

As  much  as  I  had  suffered  in  that  miserable  car  stuck 

in  that  miserable  rice  field,  I  had  been  lucky  at  that.  Any 

place  of  entertainment  as  any  other  business  or  shop  had 

been  closed  on  account  of  the  heavy  rainfall.  Whenever 

there  was  a  rainstorm  in  Shanghai,  life  came  to  a  stand= 

still.  The  totally  ineffective  sewer  system  couldn't  cope 

with  the  torrent  of  tropical  rain.  The  streets  were  over= 

flooded  so  quickly  that  anyone  caught  outside  had  to  take 

shelter  wherever  he  could  find  it.  It  was  either  that  or 

drowning  and  each  rainstorm  took  its  toll  of  drowned  people. 


% 


# 


Thus  Wong  never  learned  that  I  would  have  missed  a 
night's  work  which  to  him  was  a  cardinal  sin.  I  guess, 
the  only  excuse  acceptable  to  him  was  a  death  certificate 
or  an  illness  so  severe  that  it  required  hospitalization, 
and  then  he  even  might  have  replaced  you.  He  was  a  humane 
man  In  all  his  concern  for  his  employees  within  the  confines 
of  the  ballroom,  but  he  could  not  accept  any  excuse  if 
some  one  In  his  emply  shirked  his  or  her  duty  for  even 
one  single  night.  That  was  the  blind  spot  in  his  mental 
make-up.  The  Casanova  Ballroom  was  his  life,  love,  broad, 
butter  -  in  short  everything  that  makes  life  worthwhile. 
Whatever  happened  outside  thSe  walls  did  not  seem  to  exist 
for  him  or  concern  him. 

As  I  have  repeatedly  maintained,  this  is  exclusively 
a  book  about  the  personal  ventures  of  two  people  and  a 
guardian  angel  without  a  country  and  not  one  to  linger 
on  artistic,  poetic  or  other  scenic  descriptions.  Aside 
from  the  fact  that  I  am  not  a  poet,  I  also  don't  have  the 
time  to  indulge  in  such  reveries  at  the  end  of  my  life.  My 
days  are  growing  shorter  and  shorter,  and  if  I  want  to 
finish  this  book,  I  better  stick  to  thexvents  as  they 
happened,  because  so  few  people  ever  had  to  experie 


nee 


such  a  life  as  ours.  Nanking  in  one  day  was  just  another 
dreary  Chinese  city,  and  I  riding  around  in  a  rickshaw 
without  a  guide  could  not  store  in  my  mind  many  if  any 


iiij 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-    256   - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came    of   itl 


-  257  - 


memo 


ries  of  that  day.  The  troubi^  with  us  was  that  during 
our  Odyssee  we  were  mostly  occupied  with  staying  alive 
which  was  a  full-time,  hard  job.  Most  of  the  scenic 
beautiful  places,  for  which  ordinary  people  take  to  travel= 
ing,  either  escaped  us  or  in  the  struggle  of  keeping  our 
heads  above  the  water  level  didn't  impress  us  enough  to 
retain  them  in  our  memories.  Even  in  our  spare  hours  - 
and  these  were  few  because  Annie  had  to  take  care  of  every 
day  chores  like  shopping  and  preparing  some  meals,  and  I 
was  working  on  my  book,  wrote  an  article  or  story  now  and 
then,  or  kept  up  our  correspondence  -  we  seldom  could  enjoy 
the  wonders  of  nature  or  any  man-made  landmarks.  Thinking 
back  to  that  one  day  trip  to  Nanking  I  can  for  the  heck 
of  me  not  even  remember  if  we  passed  outside  of  Nanking 
the  magnificent  Sun  Yat-An  Memorial  Temple  high  up  on 
a  hill  with  thousands  of  steps  leading  up  to  it. 

Annie  and  I  began  to  feel  at  home  in  Shanghai,  figur= 
ing  that  we  would  stay  for  ten  years  or  so  until  we  had 
made  our  promised  pile  of  money  (how  funny  that  sounds  now) 
and  then  immigrate  to  America  to  fulfill  our  fondest  dream 
of  becoming  United  States  citizens  which  we  considered 
would  be  the  one  great  achievement  of  our  lives.  (Sorry, 
Mr.  K.,  wherever  you  are).  Of  course,  in  the  span  of  ten 
years  we  might  have  grown  roots  in  Shanghai  so  deep  that 
we  not  anymore  could  tear  them  out  as  it  has  happened  to 


many  foreigners  who  had  settled  in  this  strange  city.  But 
if  it  wasn't  Hitler,  it  were  the  Japanese  militarists.  We 
weren't  given  time  to  grow  any  roots. 

It  seemed  that  we  were  destined  to  remain  what  we 
had  become  -  people  without  a  country.  Prosperity  was 
often  just  around  the  comer,  but  we  never  made  it. 
Luckily  we  were  resilient  to  bend  with  bad  luck  and  ill= 
ness.  Our  mutual  love  always  sustained  us.  We  had  carved 

for  ourselves  a  strong  granite  block  onto  which  we  anchor' 

so  that/ 
ed  our  happiness/MIP adversities  could  not  really  do  us 

any  permanent  harm.  It  may  seem  ridiculous  to  many  of 


the  young  peole  in  these  times  when  divorces  are  c 


ommon 


occurrences    that   we   believed    and   still    believe    in   the 
sanctity  of   our   marital   bonds.    We    possessed    and    possess 
love.    Neither  money   nor   any  other  material    gains    can 
create    true   happiness.    Only    love  can. 

The  Shanghai   period   with    its    future   dreams    came    to  a 
rough   and   quite    bloody   end.    Timothy   had   a  heck  of  a   time 
to   keep   us    from   getting  killed,    but  when    it    came   down    to 
the   essentials,     to    the  gritty-nitty,    good,    old  Timothy 
never   failed  us. 

We   almost   had   forgotten   that   wo  were   refugees,    but 
were   rudely    reminded    of  our  status    when    suddenly   we   had 
to   pack   artain  and  once  more   leave   behind  our   friends,    our 
acquaintances   and  even   the   few  possessions  we  had  brought 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-    258    - 


Please,    don't    worry  I    Nothing  came   of    it  I 


-  lY)    - 


now 


along  from  Germany  or  had  acquired  in  Shanghai,  not  k 
ing  if  we  ever  would  see  any  of  them  again.  This  time  we 
were  allowed  no  more  than  one  suitcase  per  person  on  our 
flight  from  war- torn  Shanghai.  All  we  could  take  with  us 
were  the  parapernalia  of  our  new  professions  -  some  of  our 
evening  outfits.  We  had  saved  four  hundred  dollars  which 
didn't  do  us  any  good  because  we  had  deposited  them  into 
a  bank  account  and  all  banks  had  been  closed.  We  had  a 
few  dollars  in  cash,  much  less  than  the  forty  dollars  we 
had  been  allowed  to  take  out  of  Nazi-Germany.  The  rest 
of  our  meager  possessions  we  packed  into  a  big,  overseas 
trunk  and  the  few  suitcases  which  had  survived  the  long 
trip  from  Germany.  We  left  them  in  a  warehouse  which,  as 
we  later  learned,  was  damaged  by  a  Japanese  bomb.  The  one 
thing  I  certainly  didn't  leave  behind  was  the  finished 
manuscript  of  the  book  I  had  worked  on  all  along.  We 
believed  it  could  open  for  us  the  way  to  America  although 
that  was  just  another  drcair.  at  the  time.  However,  for  once 
we  didn't  dream  altogether.  The  book  helped.  Scripta  manent, 
verba  volent  -  written  words  remain,  spoken  words  evaporate. 

Our  exit  from  Shanghai  was  at  least  quite  as  dramatic 
as  our  exit  from  Nazi-Germany. 


CHAPTKR  SIX 


EXIT    SHANGHAI    /    KNThlR  MANILA 


As    a  pacifist    suffers    from  an 
inferiority  complex   and    can't   come    to    terms   with   the 
reality    that  man    is    by    nature   the  most  brutal    and  wanton 
killer   in    the    animal  world,    so    too  many   people    live    in 
a   non-world,    that    is    in   a  world    which    doesn't    exist,    and 
are,    without    realizing    it,    refugees    from   reality.    Brain= 
washed  by    professional    pacifists,    who    in    turn   are    quite 
often    suffering   from  a  mental    illness,    defined    as   Coramu= 
nism,    and   who    are    at    least    as   brutal    and   vicious   as    any 
bloody  militarist,     they    foolishly   yell    "Peace   Nowl"    and 
expect    that   peace   w^ill    break  out    all    over    like    flowers 
on  a   desert  after   a   spring   rain.    Only    there   are    few 
spring   rains    in  deserts. 

Each   day    people  hear   and   read  of    catastrophes    and 
naively  believe    it    cannot   happen    to    them  or  where    they 
are    living.    They   read   about    terrible   car   accidents    and 
smugly   assert    that    they    could   not   be    involved    in   any   of 
them,    being  such  careful   drivers.    They   learn   about   horri' 
fying   air    disasters,    but   just    the    same    take   confidently 
to   the   air,    feeling  secure    that    other   planes  may  crash, 
but   not    the  one    in   which   they're    traveling.    For  whatever 


non- reason    they  are   always    convinced    that   others  may  get 


Please,    don*t  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  260  - 


cancer,  but  not  they. 

Young  people  quite  frequently  are  incensed  because 
the  establishment  or  rather  their  government  forces  them 
to  pay  Social  Security  from  which  they  do  not  immediately 
benefit.  They  want  the  old  folks  to  take  care  of  them» 
selves,  unable  to  imagine  that  eventually  they,  too, 
will  be  old  folks,  if  they  are  that  lucky.  As  1  said, 
to  most  people  the  (on-world  has  more  reality  than  the 
real  world.  With  all  the  scientific  and  technological 
advances  humanity  has  not  improved.  Humanity  has  remained 
prone  to  illness,  disaster  and  wars  because  peace  cannot 
be  achieved  unilaterally.  Humanity  both  benefits  and 
suffers  from  the  good  and  bad  of  modern  living.  Man  may 
conquer  the  whole  universe,  but  still  will  remain  a  mere 
mortal.  Man  can  preserve  nature  as  it  had  been  created  by 
God  and  yet  ai^stroys  it  by  pollution.  The  ecological 
balance  of  nature  is  very  fragile  as  we  finally  begin 
to  learn.  An  eventual  cancer  cure  will  help  all  mankind, 
but  it  will  never  come  to  pass  if  all  we  do  is  yell  "No 


Cancer  Now!". 


"The  difficulty  in  the  social  question  is  that  men 
everywhere  are  hamstrung  by  ancient  abuses,  habitual  in=* 
ertlia,  and  inherited  or  acquired  wrongs,"  so  wrote  Theodore 
Herzl,  the  father  of  Zionism,  in  his  diaries. 

It  cannot  happen  to  you,  can  it?  Don*t  be  so  sure. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  261  - 


Anything  can  happen  to  you  at  any  time  and  wherever  you 
may  be.  If  for  instance  you  think  of  anti-aircraft  bullets, 
you  see  them  shooting  upwards  toward  flying  enemy  planes, 
don't  you?  They  either  hit  the  planes  or  they  don't.  Un« 
less  you  are  one  of  the  crew  in  a  military  airctaft,  you 
feel  assured  that  they  won't  hit  you,  being  safely  on  the 
ground. Again  you  are  a  refugee  from  reality.  What,  indeed, 
happeaj  to  those  bullets  which  don't  hit  the  enemy  aircraft? 
According  to  the  law  of  gravity  they  have  to  come  down 
again,  don't  they? 

Now  I  ask  you  in  all  innocence,  my  friends  and  foes, 
have  you  ever  been  the  target  of  wtk   anti-airctaf t  bullets? 
I  don't  mean  the  ones  which  are  winging  toward  you  in  case 
yru're  flying  in  a  military  plane,  but  the  ones  which  miss 
and  come  down  again  straight  at  you,  the  non-intended  target? 
It  so  happened  that  we  were  close  to  being  hit  by  them,  not 
once  but  many  times,  and  may  I  tell  you,  if  it  won't  teaches 
you  anything  else,  it  will  teach  you  the  futility  of  life. 
Being  on  the  ground  you  aren't  supposed  to  be  the  targetof 
anti-aircraft  bullets,  or  are  you?  Man,  you're  so  wrong. 
Of  course,  it  teacheuf  you  nothing  if  one  of  them  hits  you^ 
and  you  are  stone  dead  from  one  second  to  the  other.  If 

it  just  misses  you  by  a  fraction  of  an  inch,  you  could 

fiivc  or  take  a  few  Inches./ 
get  burned  fiercely.  If  it  misses  you  by  a  yard,/ you've 


had 


an  experience  which  will  leave  you  quite  shaken. 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   it  I 


-  262  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  263  - 


It  hisses  by  you  like  a  streaking  fire  ball.  If  you  don't 

believe  me,  try  it  out  once  and  you  won't  like  it.  We  never 

did  while  we  were  in  Shanghai  after  the  Japanese  attacked.' 

If  you  ever  hear  the  ack-ack  of  anti-aircraft  guns,  take 

my  advice  and  run  for  cover,  even  if  you  aren't  up  there 

in  the  sky.  That's  being  realistic. 

Anyway,  it  all  started  some  weeks  earlier  when  the 

Japanese  attacked  the  Marco  Polo  Bridge  near  the  village 

of  Lukouchia,  a  short  distance  to  the  West  of  Peking  or 

Peiping.  That  was  thousands  of  miles  away  from  Shanghai, 

we/ 
and^iii  didn't  give  it  a  thought.  After  all,  it  couldn't 


happen  to 


us/ 


in  Shanghai.  In  fact,  like  fools  we  in  Shang= 


hai  didn't  take  that  skirmish  up  North  seriously  until  one 
fine  morning  the  Japanese  fleet  appeared  at  the  mouth  of 
the  Whangpoo  River  and  sealed  it  up  to  all  water  traffic 
from  or  to  the  Yang  tze-kiang,  or  as  it  is  called  in  China, 
the  "Ta  Chiang",  the  great  river. 

Of  course,  that  was  pretty  close,  some  twenty-five 
miles  away.  We  read  about  it  in  the  morning  newspapers, 
and  we  listened  to  radio  reports,  but  still  we  smugly 
believed  that  nothing  would  happen  to  us.  The  reality 
was  yet  somewhere  else,  but  not  where  we  were.  Even, 
when  the  Japanese  started  shelling  the  Northern  Chinese 

suburbs  of  Shanghai,  it  was  still  on  the  other  side  of 

in  a  way/ 
the  Creek,  the  narrow  inland  river  that/divided  tt  • 


he  extra-territorial  International  Settlement  from 


the  non-protected  Chinese  suburbs  of  Chapai  and  Hongkew 
although  the  General  Post  Office  Building  was  located 
there.  We  worried  a  little  about  the  landing  of  Japanese 
troops  at  Woosung  where  the  Whangpoo  River  flows  into 
the  Yang-tze-f^iang  and  so  a  few  squadrons  of  the  American 
Fourth  Marines,  the  British,  French  and  Italian  military 
forces,  stationed  in  Shanghai,  went  on  protective  guard 
duty  at  the  Garden  Bridgeif  and  other  crossing  which 
spanned  the  Creek. 

We  still,  I  mean  all  of  us  foreigners,  did  not 
think  much  of  the  whole  episode.  It  had  happened  before 
in  1932,  and  the  Japanese  had  honored  the  Internationa}. 
Settlement  as  well  as  the  French  Concession.  Sure,  the 
fighting  came  closer  and  closer  just  across  the  Creek. 
Yet,  we  refused  to  call  these  bloody  skirmishes  -  war. 
We  dismissed  them  with  the  totally  unrealistic  expression 
of  Sino-Japanese  hostilities.  We  didn't  want  to  acknowledge 
the  possibility  of  danger,  although  thousands  and  thousands 
of  Chinese  refugees,  poor,  pursued  humanity,  streamed 
into  the  Settlement  and  Concession.  We  kept  our  wishful 
thinking  alive  that  we  were  secure  on  account  of  the 
extra-territorial  rights.  Even  Annie  and  I  forgot  that  we, 
although  being  non-citizens,  were  actually  protected  by 
these  rights.  Officially  none  of  the  refugees  from  Soviet 


please,  don*t  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  264  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  265  - 


Russia  and  Nazi-Germany  could  claim  any  rights  whatsoever. 
The  reality  was  that  without  a  valid  passport  we  did  not 
exist  and  could  be  prey  to  any  attacking  force.  Nobody 
would  probably  give  a  damn  about  us.  Strangely  enough, 
as  it  turned  out,  we  German- Jewish  refugees  were  not  for=- 
gotten,  but  the  Russians  were. 

Meanwhile,  these  poor  Chinese  masses,  bedraggled, 
clad  in  dirty,  tattered  garments  and  carrying  bundles 
with  the  few  things  they  possessed,  were  almost  literally 
crawling  like  ants  over  the  Garden  Bridge  and  other  cross- 
ings. Since  they  had  nowhere  to  go  and  since  nobody  thought 
of  organizing  aid  committees,  they  squatted  in  the  narrow 
streets  and  alleys  of  Nantao,  the  small  Chinese  city  to 
the  South,  or  in  the  streets  of  Shanghai  proper.  They 
just  stopp^l  walking  when  their  tired  feet  wouldn't 
carry  them  any  farther.  They  sat  down  and  waited  -  al« 
though  no  one  could  say  for  what.  As  it  was,  they  were 
left  to  their  miserable  fate.  In  the  ever  increasing  con- 
fusion no  one  seemed  to  think  or  attempt  of  feeding  them, 
or  finding  some  some  sort  of  shelter  for  thera. 

For  a  few  days  it  was  almost  a  one-sided  war.  The 
Chinese  had  been  ill-prepared  and  there  were  few  troops 
to  resist  the  invasion.  By  and  by  Chiang  kai-shek  rushed 
military  cadres  and  weapons  to  Chapei  and  Hongkew.  A  few 
Chinese  bomber  planes  appeared  in  the  air  which  posed  more 


of  a  danger  to  our  side  than  to  the  Japanese. 

When  the  gas  was  turned  off  to  prevent  a  conflagration 

in  case  the  Japanese  would  dare  and  shell  Shanghai,  every" 

body  stopped  being  refugees  from  realities.  That  concerned 

us,  our  own  well-being.  Ironically  enough,  one  had  to  buy 

a  hibashi,  a  Japanese  charcoal  burner,  unless  one  didn't 

mind  to  forego  hot  meals  at  home.  The  producejr  from  the 

countryside  did  not  get  through  anymore.  With  all  shipp« 

ing  on  the  Whangpoo  River  cut  off  and  the  railway  lines 

as  well  as  the  roads  to  Shanghai  under  Japanese  fire  the 

flow  of  merchandise  came  to  a  standstill.  Now  the  hoarding 

began^  the  wild  scramble  of  buying  up  anything  that  was 

edible.  Everybody  was  on  his  own  and  nevermind  the  next 

fellow.  The  egocentricity  of  human  nature  revealed  it=« 

self  in  all  its  nakedness.  Who  cared  how  many  Chinese 

refugees  and  others  died  of  starvation?  Even  under  normal 

conditioai  several  corpses  were  found  each  day  in  the 

streets,  victims  of  starvation.  Civilization  retreated 

as  it  always  does  when  men  fight  men.  All  the  progress  of 

the  centuries  gets  lost  with  the  exception  of  the  one 

geared  to  killing. 

One  morning,  a  few  days  after  the  whole  mess  started, 
came  to  the  conclusion/  (f^ 

Annie/SHHHH  that  it  also  was  time  for  us  to  hojrd  some 

Mrs.  Holz's/ 

food  if  one  still  could  obtain  some.  Our  part  of/SSTTce 

box  was  empty.  The  little  Chinese  green  grocery  and  butcher 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of   Itl 


-    266   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  267  - 


store  In  our  street  had  nothing  to  sell  anymore.  So  Annie 
decided  to  see  If  a  Japanese  store,  where  we  had  often 
shopped  before,  had  some  can  goods  left.  She  stopped  a 
rickshaw  and  was  on  her  way.  Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing 
came  of  itl  That  Is  -  she  didn't  get  any  canned  food.  I 

pretended  not  to  feel  uneasy  about  her  going  out  by  her'* 

a  few/ 
self   al though/ fl09  stray  shells  had  hit  the  Settlement 

and  some  of  the  anti-aircraft  bullets  had  done  some  nice 

killing.  I  had  to  stay  home  for  some  reason  or  other  I 

don't  remember.  But  instead  of  bringing  back  some  canned 

food,  she  almost  returned  with  a  Chinese  baby.  As  it  was, 

Chinese  babies  seemed  to  be  the  only  merchandise  left 

for  sale.  However,  with  our  luck  this  very  morning  the 

war  really  came  to  Shanghai  proper. 

For  the  first  time,  since  the  hostilities  had  started, 

three  Chinese  bomber  planes  went  into  action  against  the 

enemy  just  when  Annie  was  riding  to  that  store  in  the 

center  of  the  French  Concession.  The  three  Chinese  pilots 

att;^mpted  to  attack  the  Japanese  flag  ship,  the  Idzuma, 

anchored  on  the  Whangpoo  close  to  the  Japanese  Consulate. 

They  didn't  succeed  in  unloading  a  single  bomb.  The  Idzuma' s 

off  target/ 

powerful  anti-aircraft  guns  kept  them^JgJJJJp  and  in  the 


process  hit  one  of  the  planes  close  to  its  bomb-bay  which 
was  quite  badly  damaged.  Whether  or  not  the  pilot  and  crew 


could  never  be  established.  In  any  event  the  three  planes 

tunned   to  fly  back  to  their  airfield  on  the  other  side 

of  Shanghai.  The  damaged  plane  crashed  before  it  reached 

prior  to/ 
,  but/a 


the  field 


that 


it  caused  the  death 


of  thousands  of  people  on  the  ground.  As  it  was  flying 

above  the  busy  comer  of  The  Bynd  and  Nanking  Road  a  bomb 

detached  itself  from  the  damaged  bay.  It  killed  several 

hundreds  of  people  in  an  unbelievable  mass  slaughter. 

occurred/ 
But  that  was  nothing  to  what/sSQJBBl  a  ^^^  minutes  later 

just  where  Annie  would  have  been  if  it  hadn't  been  for 

Timothy.  For  once  I  can  happily  tell  you:  "Please,  don't 


:  *.  I  II 


worryl  Nothing  came  of  it. 

Luckily  I  had  stubbornly  insisted  on  Timothy  ac- 
companying Annie  although  he  had  strenuously  objected 
that  this  was  contrary  to  all  the  rules  and  regulations 

for  guardian  angels.  I  had  gotten  so  angry  with  him  that 

After   all,/ 
he   had   yielded.yfiMia^Ihe  was   not   supposed   to    leave  my 

side  ever. 

Unbelievable  at  it  seemed  the  crippled  Chinese  plane 
continued  d  its  flight  across  Shanghai  and  two  more  bombs 
dropped  from  the  damaged  under-carriage  exactly  over  the 
Plaza  on  Thibet  Road  and  Avenue  Edward  VII.  No  enemy  air- 
craft could  have  caused  more  death  and  destruction, Thou- 
sands of  Chinese  refugees  had  squatted  down  at  this  Plaza 


had  been  aware  of  havrlng  been  hit  at  this  vulnerable  spot 


to  await  their  fate  with  the  kind  of  stoicism  one  only 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  268  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  269  - 


can  find  among  Asiatic  people.  Annie  in  the  rickshaw  would 

have  crossed  this  plaza  just  at  the  same  second  the  two 

bombs  exploded  there.  They  wrought  the  kind  of  havoc  no 

living  being  can  normally  imagine.  So  many  people  were 

killed  (not  counting  the  many  who  were  seriously  injured) 

that  it  took  thirty-seven  big,  heavy  trucks,  heaped  high 

with  corpses,  to  remove  the  dead.  Later  the  plaza  and  the 

surrounding  streets  had  to  be  hosed  down  for  hours  to 

clean  them  of  blood  and  human  body-debris. 

I  heard  the  bombs  explode.  We  lived  only  a  few  miles 

from  the  plaza.  Naturally,  I  couldn't  tell  where  exactly 

the  bombs  had  fallen,  but  I  could  imagine  the  direction 

to/ 
and  I  got  frantic,  knowing  AnnieTbe  in  that  neighborhood. 

Yet,  I  was  helpless  to  do  anything.  Going  after  Annie  was 

out  of  the  question.  I  had  to  stay  put  at  home  in  case 

she  tried  to  reach  me  by  telephone  or  returned.  I  hoped 

and  prayed  to  God  that  she  was  safe  and  only  the  fact 

that  Timothy  was  with  her  gave  me  some  assurance.  After 

about  half  an  hour,  through  which  I  suffered  agonies  from 

listening  to  the  radio  news  about  the  catastrophe,  she 

called  me  from  a  friend's  apartment  which  was  only  a  block 

out  of  her  way  to  the  Japanese  store.  The  idea  to  pay  a 

short  visit  to  this  friend  had  come  to  her  of  a  sudden 

and  for  no  special  reason  at  all.  She  was  awed,  because 

had  she  not  done  so,  she  might  also  have  been  killed  or 


at  least  seriously  injured.  I  had  not  told  her  about  my 
insistence  that  Timothy  go  with  her  and  didn't  do  so  then, 
but  I  was  dead-certain  that  the  special  celestial  per- 
ceptual sense  of  guardian  angels  had  been  the  guiding 
influence  behind  her  detour.  The  main  thing  for  me  was 
that  she  was  all  right.  She  would  come  home  when  all  was 
safe  as  far  as  it  could  be  still  safe  in  Shanghai.  It 
didn't  matter  when  later  Timothy  got  really  mad  at  me 
for  letting  Annie  go  out  by  herself  in  a  time  like  this 
and  putting  him  in  such  a  precarious  situation.  He  wasn't 
sensitized  for  protecting  Annie  and  only  an  intuition  had 
influenced  him  to  steer  her  to  our  friend's  apartment. 

Annie  told  me  what  happened  to  her  on  her  way  back 
home.  She  couldn't  get  a  rickshaw  since  all  the  coolies, 
scared  by  the  bombs,  had  gone  into  hiding.  So  she  had  to 
walk.  There  were  Chinese  refugee  women  everywhere,  offer- 
ing  their  babies  for  sale  and  pleading  with  tears  stream= 
ing  down  their  dirty  faces.  It  was  not  the  money  so  much, 
but  more  so   the  desire  to  save  their  kids  from  starvation. 
Two  dollars  for  a  baby  boy  was  little  enough.  Baby  girls 
they  were  giving  away  for  free.  One  such  woman  had  followed 
Annie  for  several  blocks  until  at  last  she  gave  her  two 
dollars  without  accepting  the  baby  boy.  It  was  not  easy 
to  refuse  the  woman  two  tried  hard  to  put  the  baby  into^ 

Annie's  arms.  I  think,  Annie  with  her  soft  heart  might 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    Itl 


-  270  - 


have  come  home  with  a  Chinese  baby  Instead  of  a  few  meat 
and  vegetable  cans  if  it  hadn't  been  for  Timothy.  He  just 
would  not  let  her  do  it.  He  had  enough  with  the  two  of  us. 
One  more  would  have  been  a  burden  he  could  not  assume. 

I  still  have  a  newspaper  of  the  following  day.  Under 
the  caption  "CHILDREN  SOLD  FOR  $  2  IN  SHANGHAI"  the 
first  sentence  of  the  report  read:  "One  of  the  most 
tragic  features  of  the  wholesale  evacuation  of  the  Chinese 
areas  yesterday  was  the  fact  that  women  were  offering  to 
sell  children  to  anyone  who  wished  to  buy." 

The  next  morning  I  was  the  exclusive,  although  not 

intended  target  of  an  anti-aircraft  bullet.  It  was  the 

first  of  several  similar  experiences  although  this  one 

came  the  closest.  In  a  red-hot,  hissing,  fiery  streak  the 

bullet  zoomed  down  directly  at  me  as  I  stepped  out  of  our 

house.  Timothy  pulled  me  back  so  quickly  that  I  almost 

keeled  over  backwards.  Instead  of  me  the  bullet  hit  a 

Chinese  vendor  who  at  the  same  second  stepped  into  the 

where/ 
spot/l  had  been  standing.  He  was  killed  instantly  and 

burned  to  a  little  heap  of  ashes.  In  rapid  succession 

other  bullets  hit  the  asphalt  and  the  sparks  flew  upwards 

in  all  directions.  It  was  a  macabre  fireworks. 


The  danger  from  anti-aircraft  bullets,  having  missed 
their  target  (and  most  of  them  did),  was  by  far  greater 
than  the  occasional  artillery  shells,  landing  indiscrimi- 


Plcase,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  271  - 


# 


nately  withinf  the  boundaries  of  the  Settlement  and  the 
Concession.  Whether  or  not  this  was  an  intentional  assault 
on  the  city  from  time  to  time  in  order  to  frighten  u^  or 
warn  other  than  Chinese  military  forces  to  keep  out  of 
the  conflict  the  Japanese  attackers  never  disclosed. 
Neither  did  they  apologize.  The  fact  remained  that  the 
Japanese  gunners  on  Japanese  war  ships  could  not  have 
been  so  badly  mistaken  in  regard  to  the  direction  their 
artillery  was  aimed.  There  was  no  safety  anymore  anywhere 
in  Shanghai. 

To  our  unbelievable  surprise  the  German  Consulate 
General  called  us,  offering  us  evacuation  with  the  passen- 
ger liner  "Gnelsenau"  which  was  going  to  be  diverted  from 
Japan  to  the  Yang  tze-kiang.  We  could  not  decide  to  ac«» 
cept  the  risk  of  setting  foot  on  German  soil  again  and 

a  German  ship  was  just  that.  We  refused  at  first,  but  the 

us/ 
Consulate  called  again  assuring/that  under  the  circumstances 

we  would  be  absolutely  safe  and  be  regarded  as  Auslands- 

deutsche  (Germans  living  abroad). 

We  were  in  a  quandary.  Our  hopes  of  having  found  a 

haven  in  Shanghai  had  been  shattered  and  come  to  a  brutal 

end.  With  all  prices  of  entertainment  staying  dark  and 

closed  we  were  jobless.  Life  in  Shanghai  haou  as  much  as 

ceased  to  exist. All  business  had  come  to  a  grinding  halt. 

Store  fronts  were  boarded  up.  Sandbag  bastions  appeared 
on  most  street  corners.  Street  cars  and  buses  did  not 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  272  - 


run  anymore.  Few  rickshaw  coolies  still  dared  to  come  out 

and  hustle.  Taxis  were  hard  to  get.  ^od  grew  scarcer  and 

scarcer  and  prices  soared  beyond  our  means.  We  had  little 

cash  on  hand  and  with  the  banks  closed  as  well  we  couldn't 

even  draw  on  our  meager  savings  of  four  hundred  dollars.  The 

German  Consulate  offered  us  a  free  trip  to  Manila  as  guests 

of  the  German  Reich,  or  as  we  translated  it  as  Hitler's 

guests  which  was  quite  ironic.  It  was  a  hard  decision  to 

make.  We  surely  had  to  get  out  of  Shanghai  for  better  or 

worse.  No  other  shipping  line  of  any  other  country  would 

if/ 
take  us,  even /we  could  pay  the  fare.  They  were  busy  evacu= 

ating  their  own  nationals.  It  was  the  same  all  over.  We 

had  to  flee  for  our  lives  -  only  this  time  on  a  German 

boat  and  a  German  boat  under  international  law  was  German 

territory  and  German  territory  to  us  was  Nazi  territory 

and  Nazi  territory  was  fraught  with  danger  as  far  as  we 

were  concerned.  We  could  be  tricked  and  kidnaped  with  ease. 

I  consulted  with  Timothy.  He  had  no  celestial  perception 

of  danger.  At  last  we  yielded  to  the  circumstances  and 

accepted  the  generous,  or  at  least  supposedly  generous 

offer  by  the  German  Consulate.  The  poor  White-Russians 

had  nowhere  to  go  unless  the  one  or  the  other  of  them 

succeeded  in  obtaining  a  Nansen  passport,  especially  created 

for  people  without  a  country.  Yet,  even  with  this  passport 

It  was  very  doubtful  that  the  bearer  would  be  able  to  book 

a  berth  on  any  ship  as  long  as  the  emergency  lasted.  This 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  273  - 


particular,  so-called  passport,  initiated  by  the  Norwegian 
explorer  and  scientist  Frltjof  Nansen,  who  in  1922  received 
the  Nobel  Peace  Price  for  his  relief  work  in  behalf  of 
starving  Russians,  was  internationally  recognized  (except 
by  Russia,  of  course).  In  general,  though,  it  was  not  issued 
to  ordinary  exiles. 

We  had  to  go  downtown  to  the  German  Consulate  General 
to  have  our  invalid  passpc^rts  temporarily  re-instated  and 
stamped  with  the  entry  visa  for  the  Philippine  Islands. 
We  were  lucky  to  find  two  available  rickshaws,  but  every 
few  minutes  we  had  to  jump  out  and  run  for  shelter.  It 
was  a  race  between  us  and  death  whenever  enemy  planes 
overhead  came  too  close  and  anti-aircraft  bullets  began 
zooming  up  and  down  again.  Timothy  got  all  excited  with 


so  much  work  c 


ut  outt 


or  him.  He  even  forgot  that  he  wasn't 


allowed  to  swear  under  any  circumstances.  Despite  all  the 
danger  it  was  funny,  for  Timothy  quite  obviously  remembered 
some  of  the  juiciest  swear  words  and  tried  to  protect  him- 
self by  always  adding  the  same  apology:  "Please,  dear  God, 
forgive  me,  but  why  do  You  do  that  to  me?" 

Death  in  Shanghai  had  become  a  casual  occurrence.  One 
didn't  even  skip  a  heart  beat  anymore  at  the  sight  of 
corpses  which  were  gathered  up  like  so  much  junk.  Shells, 

bombs,  anti-aircraft  bullets  killed  scores  of  people  day 

fires  frinf,e ci / 
and  night.  Huge/SHMI  flBHJPi  ^^^  Settlement  and  the 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of   iti 


-  274  - 


Concession.  Nantao,  the  quaint  natlA^  city,  was  packed 
with  refugees  like  a  can  with  sardines.  Business  ha^  stopped 
there  altogether  and  nobody  could  tell  how  these  poor  people 
fed  themselves.  The  Northern  suburbs  of  Chapel  and  Hong- 
kew,  where  the  actual  fighting  was  going  on,  were  envelop- 
ed In  an  ever  spreading  conflagration. 

Jim  Marshall  In  the  now  defunct  magazine  "Colliers" 
wrote  In  an  article:  "In  the  maze  of  winding  streets  and 
passages  of  Nantao  the  ragged,  dirty  thousands  cook,  eat 
and  live  and  love  -  and  die  like  animals." 

A  few  days  later  Nantao  also  went  up  In  flames.  How 
many  people  perished  there  nobody  will  ever  know.  Human 
beings,  men,  women  and  children,  became  flaming  torches. 
The  horror  was  indescribable. 

Mrs.  Theodore  Roosevelt,  Jr.,  wrote  in  the  Saturday 
Evening  Post  a  long  article,  titled:  "Escape  from  Shang- 
hai". It  is  worthwhile  to  quote  a  passage  from  it.  "1  was 
In  Paris,"  so  she  wrote,  "all  during  the  bombcz^ment  of 
1918  and,  at  that  time,  thought  that  I  was  looking  on  the 
face  of  war.  But  the  bombardment  of  Paris  was  a  child's 
tea  party  compared  to  the  war  which  was  to  engulf  us  in 
Shanghai." 


In  a  way,  I  assume,  I'm  a  product  of  World 
War  One,  of  post-war  Germany,  of  material  and  spiritual 


Please,  don't  worry'.  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  275  - 


deprivation,  mass- joblessness  and  stupendous  inflation 


i 


when 


a  billion  mark  was  not  enough 


to  buy  a  loaf  of  bread.  All  the  wars  lumped  together  have 
only  proved  that  they  never  solved  problems,  but  created 
new  ones.  And  yet,  since  human  history  has  been  recorded, 
that  is  from  about  3000  B.C.,  it  has  been  written  in  human 
blood.  History  always  tells  of  wars,  violence  and  sin,  but 
so  little  of  human  goodness.  The  great  religions  with 
their  many  splinter  groups  have  dismally  failed  mankind. 
The  humane  teachings  of  men  like  Jesus  Christ  have  been 
recorded,  but  have  not  changed  the  baser  instincts  in 
man.  What  has  humanity  learned  from  history?  Not  much, 
indeed.  We  still  conduct  wars  without  rhyme  or  reason. 
We,  the  people  in  the  world,  still  follow  leaders  who 
promote  strife  among  nations.  We  live  in  fear  of  total 
destruction,  but  still  pile  up  nuclear  weapons.  Each 
national  administration  in  all  nations  has  a  Secretary 
of  War  or  Defense,  but  none  has  as  yet  seen  fit  to  appoint 
a  Secretary  for  the  promotion  of  Peace.  Nations,  where 
dictators  rule,  as  for  instance  in  Imperial  Russia  and 
Red  China,  still  encourage  wars  ,  and  thus  the  democracies 
have  to  stay  armed  while  millions  of  people  in  the  world 
remain  hungry.  Vast  amounts  of  money  are  spent  on  armaments 
and  comparatively  very  little  on  general  we If are. Brinkman- 
ship is  still  the  rule  and  not  the  exception. 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of  It! 


-   276  - 


Shanghai  all   of   a  sudden  had  become   hell   on    earth, 
because  Japan's    super-militarists  with   their   cold-blooded 
lust   for  power  and   territorial    expansion,    had    indoctrinat- 
ed   their  people  with   their  own    insanity.    And    so   they   creat- 
ed  hell    in   Shanghai   and  other  parts    of  China.    And    so   they 
spew   forth   fire   and  death  wherever    they    stormed  ashore. 
A  strong  minority    always   succeeds   in    leading    a  weak  ma- 
jority   for  better  for  worse. 

One   late  afternoon   from  the   roof  of   a  high-rise 
apartment  house,    where    friends    of  ourd lived,    we  watched   two 
Japanese  military   bomber  planes    slithering   like   silver 
fish   through   the   air,    apparently   unconcerned   by  the  dark 
puffs   of  Chinese   anti-aircraft   bullets.    They    reached   their 
destination,    the   Jessfield    Railway   Station,    about    five 
miles    from  where  we  were  watching.    They   dived    steeply, 
dropped    their  bombs   and  disappeared    into    the   darkening 
sky.    High,    red   flames    shot   up  at    the    station   as   it   burned 
to   its   death.    And    there  we   were,    innocent,   helpless  by- 
standers,   observing  modem  warfare  at  close   range.    It  was 
absurdity,    driven   to   its    limits    of  bloody    futility.    Wars 
are    the   utmost   in   human   absurdity.   We  will  go    to  any  length 
to  save   one   person's    life   and   then  offer    thousands    to  be 
sacrift^ed   senselessly   in  wars,    none   of  which   can   be 
rationalized  by  sober  reflections.    It   could  be    that  wars 


are  manifestations   of  human  mental  aberrations  which  find 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    it  I 


-  277  - 


# 


their  fulfillment  in  a  mass  death  wish.  We  won't  ever  be 
able  to  explain  it.  Peace  can  only  be  universal,  demanded 
by  all  the  people  on  earth.  Like  the  sword  of  Damocles  the 
final  world  war  with  its  total  nuclear  destruction  is  hang- 
ing above  us  and  will  fall  upon  us  unless  we,  the  people 
of  the  world,  change  our  way  ot  thinking  and  our  moral 
and  ethical  attitudes,  unless  we  finally  learn  to  settle 
our  differences  by  dialogue  and  reasoning.  Men  apparently 
have  not  been  able  to  live  in  peace,  but  we  could  live 
without  wars  if  that  is  what  we  all  really  want.  I  despair 
that  we  ever  will  learn.  We  had  so  much  time  for  learning. 

I  despair  because  embracing  Communism  in  the  fashion 
of  our  youthful  rebels  (and  to  hell  with  the  generation 
gap!  I  had  been  a  youthful  rebel,  too.),  misguided  by  the 
older,  deadly  intellectuals  in  our  midst,  is  no  acceptable 
alternative.  It  is  worse  than  death  on  a  battlefield.  Yet, 
too  many  of  our  young  people  and  some  of  the  not  so  young 
ones  are  rushing  like  lemmings  toward  the  darA'sea  of  Commu- 
nism or  Fascism  which  is  another  way  of  total  self-destruction 
Where  Communism  or  Fascism  reign,  humanity  is  doomed  to  live 
in  a  graveyard  like  zombies.  Where  the  minds  of  men  are 
shackled,  life  loses  all  meaning  because  extremists  arrogate 
free  speech,  but  refuse  to  listen. 

And  where  is  God,  we  may  ask?  Who  is  God,  we  may  want 

to  know?*  We  cannot  and  should  not  learn  where  and  who  God 

that/ 
is  other  than/RIs  omnipotence  and  omniscience  are  beyond 

our  human  understanding.  We  have  two  choices  -  for  or 


mmmnrnjum^mimmm 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   It  I 


-    278    - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing   came    of   It  I 


-  279  - 


against  God.  Whoever  decides  for  God  as  being  the  Creator 
must  have  faith  about  which  there  cannot  be  an  argument. 
Faith  Is  faith  and  Is  not  grounded  In  religious  hocus- 
pocus.  Faith  Is  a  state  of  mind.  No  more,  no  less.  Who=* 
ever  has  faith  does  understandU  life  with  all  Its  fortunes 

and  misfortunes,  Its  vicissitudes,  happiness  and  unhappl= 

he  or  she/ 
ness.  Whoever  decides  against  God  and  falth^^ls  lost  In  a 

jungle  of  deep  darkness  where  happiness  of  heart  and  soul 

cannot  be  found.  And  If  we  accept  God  as  the  Creator  of 

the  Universe,  we  may  ask  who  created  God?  Luckily  there 

is  no  answer  to  this  question  either,  for  If  we  ever  know 

all  the  answers  we  cease  to  be  human.  But  you  may  very  well 

ask,  if  there  is  a  God,  why  do  we  have  wars,  violence,  crime, 

natural  catastrophes  and  Illness?  Only  God  knows  as  He 

knows  why  ecology,  the  balance  of  nature,  also  applies 

to  the  selection  about  which  animals,  Including  the  human 

perish/         totally/ 

species,  shall  live  and  which  shall/SSor  become  ^extinct 
-  for  the  latter  may  be  a  means  to  control  the  population 
explosion. 


The  foreign  nationals  In  Shanghai  began  to 
stir  at  last  when  shells  and  bombs  and  bullets  did  not  any=» 
more  honor  their  extra-territorial  rights.  They  started  evac 
uatlon  proceedings  for  women,  children  and  non-essential  men 
Unconcerned  about  the  others,  each  nation  took  only  care 


of  her  own,  the  French  for  the  French,  the  English  for  the 
English,  the  Americans  for  the  Americans,  the  Italians  for 
the  Italians,  the  Germans  for  the  Germans  and  so  on.  No  one 
gave  any  consideration  for  the  refugees  from  Soviet  Russia. 
However,  In  all  honesty  It  must  be  said  that  In  this  crisis 
the  Germans  In  Shanghai  did  not  forget  the  refugees  from 
Nazi-Germany.  At  home  they  killed  and  Imprisoned  the  Jews. 
In  Shanghai  they  saved  them.  Another  absurdity,  but  one 
which  showed  that  not  all  Germans,  not  all  Germany,  could 
be  blamed  for  the  atrocities  the  Nazi  gangsters  committed. 

While  we  had  begun  to  prosper  In  Shanghai,  modestly 
yet,  because  prosperity  to  us  meant  making  a  living  and 
thriving  on  the  Illusion  that  we  were  taking  roots  again, 
I  had  forgotten  about  Ahasuerus.  Now  once  more  I  was  re=« 


m 


inded  that  I  was  still  the  wandering  Jew.  I  finally  learn' 


ed  my  lesson  that  nothing  In  life  was  stable,  that  there 
Is  no  guarantee  for  security.  We  again  had  acted  silly  by 
believing  In  possessions  and  ownership.  In  reality  we  do 
not  possess,  we  do  not  own  anything  ever,  for  there  Is 
nothing  we  can  take  with  us  when  the  day  of  departure 
has  come.  Why  do  some  of  us   envy  the  greater  fortunes  of 
others  when  we  do  not  know  of  their  sorrows.  We  cannot  have 
the  one  without  the  other,  or  to  be  more  specific,  we  can 
have  sorrow  without  fortune,  but  not  fortune  without  sorrow. 

It  is  part  of  the  law  of  compensation.  Why  are  so  many  of  us 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  280  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  281  - 


filled  with  vain  pride  of  the  material  things  we  own, 
knowing  that  whatever  we  possess  is  only  a  temporary 
loan,  since  earthly  values  are  fleeting?  We  may  enjoy 
them  for  a  short  while,  but  we  should  not  cling  to  them. 
They  have  no  meaning  in  eternity.  Everything  is  a  shadow 
without  recblity ,    and  we  are  materially  neither  rich  nor 
poor  after  death.  Only  if  during  our  lifetime  on  this 
planet  we  have  trained  our  mind  to  reach  out  for  true 
knowledge,  for  the  ethic  and  moral  values  which  are  ours 
for  the  asking,  we  may  benefit  in  our  existence  after 
death.  We  may,  and  I  cannot  help  but  feel  that  we  will. 

"People  are  generally  of  the  opinion  that  man  needs 
things,"  so  wrote  Jacob  Wassermann  In  his  book"Wedlock", 
"but  this  opinion  is  utterly  foolish  and  perverse;  in 
reality  the  matters  stand  quite  differently.  It  is  the 
things  which  shamelessly  and  impudently  and  Importunately 
stand  in  need  of  man  and  demand  and  misuse  his  strength 
and  his  time,  as  seems  fitting  to  them." 

Days  went  by  and  Japanese  men-of-war  continued  to  block 
all  major  traffic  on  the  Whangpoo  River.  They  allowed  only 
small  tenders  and  launches,  jammed  to  excess  of  their  ca=» 
pacity  with  evacuees,  to  f>ass   for  the  four  hours  trip  to 
the  wide  es^jyary  of  the  Yellow  River  where  the  big  passen- 
ger liners,  anchored  midstream^  were  waiting. 

The  German  liner,  the  Gnelsenau,  a  19,000  ton  ship, 


f 


was  expected  to  arrive  at  the  estuary  in  two  days,  and 
we  were  informed  to  report  at  a  certain  dock  of  the 
Whangpoo  where  we  would  be  loaded  onto  a  small  launch. 
The  Gneiscnau  had  been  diverted  from  Kobe  in  Japan  on 
her  regular  East-Asian  tour.  There  we  were.  We  had  left 
Nazi-Germany  with  forty  dollars  and  thirteen  suitcases 
and  now  almost  two  years  later  we  had  to  leave  Shanghai 
with  about  five  dollars  and  two  suitcases. 

We  found  ourselves  in  a  strange,  even  perhaps  danger- 
ous situation.  Of  course,  we  could  have  refused  to  leave 
war-torn  Shanghai  on  a  German  ship  ,  flying  the  swastika 
flag.  But  if  leaving  was  what  we  wanted,  because  we  had 
not  much  of  another  choice,  there  was  no  other  transport- 
ation available  for  us.  The  other  alternative  would  have 
been  to  stay  without  having  money  or  any  chance  of  earn- 
ing some  plus  the  possibility  of  getting  ourselves  killed 
as  the  fighting  grew  closer  and  closer.  Although  neither 
Annie  nor  I  are  gamblers,  we  had  to  gamble  then.  We  had  to 
choose  between  two  evils  with  no  idea  which  tfi  was  the 
lesser  one.  We  could  have  tossed  a  coin,  but  we  consider 
tossing  coins  as  frivolous.  We  trusted  in  Timothy's  advice 
who  was  for  accepting  the  trip  on  the  Gnelsenau.  Still  it 
was  a  hazardous  decision.  In  Nazi-Germany  I  had  been  public- 
ly denounced  as  an  "Enemy  of  the  State"  with  a  price  on  my 
head.  Here  in  Shanghai  the  official  representative  of  the 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-    282    - 


Please,    don't   worryl    Nothing  came  of    iti 


-  283  - 


same  Nazi-Germany  had  assured  us  that  we  were  free  guests 
of  the  German  Reich  and  that  we  would  be  safely  landed  in 
Manila.  The  question  was,  could  we  trust  his  promise?  Who 
would  rescue  us  if  we  were  abducted  to  Germany?  There  were 
other  German  Jewish  refugees  going  along  with  us,  but  none 
of  them  had  exposed  themselves  so  openly  and  frankly  as  a 
militant  anti-Nazi  as  I  had  done  in  my  writing,  speeches 
and  actions  above  as  well  as  underground.  To  this  day  I 
can't  explain  why  the  German  Consulate  General  in  Shanghai 
included  us  Jewish  refugees  in  their  evacuation  program 

while  in  Nazi-Germany  the  Jews  were  herded  into  concentration 

The  truth,  as  I  always  belieyed  and  still/ 
camps  and  already  slaughtered  like  cattle.^JSflBVIk 
believe,  is/ 
^■■■i  that  not  all  Germans  were  Nazis  as  not  all  Nazis 

were  Germans. 


It  was  a  weird  kind  of  experience  joining  this 
assembly  of  several  hundred  evacuees^at  Shanghai's  famous 
waterfront  boulevard.  The  Bund,  early  in  the  morning.  It 
was  for  real,  and  yet  I  believe  that  everybody  must  have 
had  a  feeling  that  it  was  a  kind  of  nightmarish  dream,  in 
particular  for  those  women  who  had  to  leave  their  husbands 
behind.  Tears  were  being  shed  that  could  have  filled  buckets. 

A  squadron  of  young  Germans  in  brown  storm-troopers 
uniforms  with  large  swastika  arm-bands  policed  us,  that 
is  they  were  supposed  to  keep  the  evacuation  orderly,  load 


• 


us   onto    the    launch   and   accompany  us    to   the   Gneisenau   and 

then    return    to   Shanghai.    The   sight    of  them  almost    induced 

us    to   take   to   our   heels   and    forget    about   being  evacuated. 

That's   all  we   needed    -    the    protection  of   Nazi-Troopers.    We 

had    had   more    than   enough  of   them   in    Germany.    We   could   see 

in    the    faces    of  other   Jewish  couples    that    they  were    think=" 

ing    the    same.    We    were    sick    to    the   pits    of  our   stomachs. 

They  were  our  deadly    enemies,    the   enemies   of    all   which 

was    decent   and  humane    in   the  world.    The   brown-clad   S.A. 

(Sturm   Abteilung    -   Storm   Battalion)    had   committed   and 

still  were   committing   anti-Semitic    deeds    of   cruelty    in 

Nazi-Germany   beyond  human    imagination.    I  had  been  one 

of   many    in    the   German   underground  who  had   fought    them  as 

they/ 
mercilessly    as    they   had   fought   us.    Here/^i  were    again, 

installed  as   our   protectors.    It  was   so    ironic    that    it  was 

almost    funny.   We   could  not   turn  about   and  walk   away,    for 

we    didn't  know  where    to  go  and  what   to   do   for   sustenance. 

We    had    burned  our  bridges    in   Shanghai.    And   Timothy   said,    "-/^ 

"Don't    get    excited".    It   was   easy    for  him  to    say    so.    After 

all,    he  was    not    of   this   world    anymore.    So  we   stayed   and 

stared    at    the   small,    decrepit    launch  which  was   waiting   to 

take   us    to    the    Gneisenau.    It    seemed   to  be    impossible    that 

we   all    could  be    crowded    onto    its    deck.    In    fact,    we  were 

afraid    it  would    sink    from  the   over-load  before  we   even 

would    pull    away    from   the   dock.    But  we   walked   the   plank , 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  284  - 


each  with  the  one  suitcase  we  were  allowed.  We  sat  down 

where  we  could  -  on  benches,  on  the  deck,  below  deck, 

wherever  there  was  a  small  space. 

A  young  man  from  the  German  Consulate  General,  who 

was  in  charge  of  this  expedition  until  we  had  been  safely 

deposited  on  the  SS  Gneisenau,  explained  to  us  over  a  bull= 

horn  that  the  trip  would  last  between  four  to  five  hours, 

and  that  the  Japanese  as  well  as  Chinese  military  forces 

had  guaranteed  us  safe  passage.  The  shooting  would  stop 

while  we  passed.  The  heck  it  would,  I  thought,  but  didn't 

tell  Annie  that  I  never  trusted  military  promises  of  mercy. 

War  was  war  and  mercy  had  no  part  of  it.  "Woe  to  them  that 

trust  in  chariots,  because  there  are  many;  and  in  horse= 

men  because  they  are  very  strong."  So  it  says  in  the  bible, 

wary/ 
Isaiah  31:1.  I  had  learned  the  hard  way  to  heflmetM   of  men 

behind  guns. 

While  we   boarded    the    launch   and  before    this  miserable, 

little  boat  got  underway,    Japanese    planes  were   raining  down 

bombs   on    Chapei  and  Hongkew,    the   suburbs   we  were   going   to 

pass.    Anti-aircraft  bullets  were   zooming  down   all   around 

shore/ 
us   and  snipers   on    Pootung   at   the  opposite^f    the  Whangpoo 

were    shooting  wildly   at  a    target  we   couldn't   even  see.   This 

god- forsaken    launch  appeared   to  me    -    and    I'm   sure   to   every- 

mero/ 
one    -   so    fragile    that    a  single    hit    by   a /rifle   bullet   could 

sink  it. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  285  - 


Annie  and  I  found  a  spot 


on  the  side  fac- 


• 


ing  Chapei  and  Hongkew,  We  both  kept  quiet,  and  Timothy 
was  hovering  at  our  side.  1  asked  him  how  he  would  save 
us  in  case  we  were  sunk.  I  should  have  left  well  enough 
alone.  He  shrugged  his  shoulders  and  without  much  assur- 
ance in  \ycs   voice  promised  to  fish  us  out  although  the 

was/ 
problem/that  he  wouldn't  know  where  to  take  us.  After  all, 

he  said,  it  wasn't  his  fault  that  we  got  ourselves  into 

this  kind  of  a  mess.  He  would  fish  us  out  all  right  and 

then  we  would  have  to  see.  Nice,  indeed!  Neither  weird 


no 


r  eerie  are  the  right  adjectives  to  describe  this  trip. 


It  was  akin  to  the  super-natural,  the  unearthly,  the  trau- 
matic experience  beyond  normal  imagination.  The  entire 
trip  was  as  way-out  as  if  we  had  taken  some  hallucinogens. 
These  hundreds  of  people  on  the  small  boat  silently  and 
raotionlessly  sat  or  squatted  as  if  they  weren't  really 
alive.  The  inside  fear  and  the  outside  sights  stopped  all 
conversation.  But  this  abnormal  muteness  on  our  part  spoke 
louder  than  any  sounds  we  could  have  uttered.  Then  some- 
one -  as  we  learned  later  a  professional  folk  singer  - 
whose  only  baggage  was  his  guitar- started  to  play  sad 
melodies  as  if  he  felt  compelled  to  background  our  feel- 
ings musically. 

The  launch  huffed  and  puffed  and  very  slowly  made 
its  way  toward  our  goal.  Ashore  we  saw  the  mass  destruction 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  286  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  287  - 


of  war.  Burnt-out  godowns  (warehouses),  burning  buildings, 
smoke  belching  into  the  air.  The  once  teeming  streets  of 
Chapei  and  Hongkew  were  as  empty  of  living  beings  as  grave- 
yards. The  shooting  ashore  did  not  stop,  but  no  soldiers 
came  into  our  sight.  Shanghai  was  dying,  and  we  knew  that 
it  would  not  ever  come  to  life  again.  We  were  on  a  psy= 
chedelic  trip  without  ever  having  heard  of  this  phenomenon. 

As  I  had  expected, and  contrary  to  their  promise  to 
stop  the  war  while  we  were  passing  by^  the  Japanese  showed 
off  what  they  could  do.  Each  of  the  many  Japanese  gunboats 
we  passea  started  shelling  the  shore-line  the  very  moment 
our  launch  came  into  view.  We  were  the  unwilling  audience 
of  real  war,  and  it  did  not  amuse  us.  At  one  spot  the 
Japanese  waited  until  we  could  watch  them  landing  soldiers 
ashore.  If  the  Chinese  troops  had  lost  their  heads  by  shoot* 
ing  back  while  we  were  passing,  we  would  have  been  done  for. 
As  I  said,  I  was  convinced  that  this  launch  of  ours  could 
have  been  sunk  by  a  single  rifle  bullet.  If  we  had  been 
able  to  stop  breathing,  we  would  have  done  so.  We  were  in 
a  state  of  hallucination  which  was  reality,  and  the  sad 
melodies  of  the  guitar  player  added  to  our  confusion  of 
ideation. 

There  was  no  doubt,  however,  that  the  Japanese  were 
In  control,  and  they  made  sure  we  observed  it.  It  was  the 


free,  lustful.  Tlie  Japanese  took  her  a  short  time  later 
and  in  1949  the  Communist  forces  of  Mao  Tse-tung  threw 
them  out.  After  that  there  was  a  long  silence.  Shanghai 
seemed  to  have ^disappeared  from  the  map  of  the  world. 

In  September  of  1967  I  read  in  the  Zuerich  Weltwoche 
an  article  about  Shanghai,  written  by  Pierre  and  Renee 
Cosset.  They  did  not  leave  any  doubt  that  Shanghai  was 
a  dead  city.  The  Red  Flag  was  flattering  from  each  roof 
of  the  former  British,  American  and  French  highrise  build- 
ings as  well  as  from  the  former  bank  palaces  on  The  Bund 
and  the  well-known  hotels  of  international  reputation. 
There  were  no  more  large  ships  in  the  once  teeming  harbor. 
Street  traffic  was  almost  non-existent.  However,  with  all 
this  the  beggars  were  also  gone  and  so  was  the  night  life. 
The  former  French  Club  had  been  converted  into  a  so-called 
Communist  Culture  Center.  The  former  Canidrome  was  being 
used  as  a  People's  Auditorium  where  boring  political  in= 
droctination  speeches  were  delivered  almost  each  night. 
Shanghai's  unique  charm  as  the  most  international  metro- 
polis in  the  world  was  gone,  but  so  was  the  trade  of  opium 
or  any  other  trade.  No  more  nightclubs,  no  more  ballrooms, 
no  more  fun  and  no  more  dance  girls  and  very  little  crime. 
Gambling  was  forbidden  and  Shanghai  was  as  dead  as  it  could 
be. 


beginning  of  the  end  of  what  we  knew  was  Shanghai  -  gay. 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   It  I 


-  288  - 


It  seemed  that  we  had  traveled  for  days 
instead  of  hours  when  at  last  we  reached  the  end  of  the 
Whangpoo  River.  The  estuary  of  the  Yang  tze-Kiang,  where 
the  shore  lines  were  almost  invisible,  was  as  calm  as  an 
inland  lake,  and  our  little  launch  chucked  on  like  a  shell 


on 


the  ocean  toward  the  gigantic  Gneisenau,  looming  up 


like  a  sky-scraper  when  we  came  alongside  her  floating 
platform.  None  of  us,  we  knew,  would  ever  see  this  mighty 
river  again  which  for  three  thousand  and  four  hundred 
thirty  miles  from  the  Tsinghai  Province  flowed  to  the 

East  China  Sea. 

Our  limbs  were  cramped  and  stiff,  and  we  had  a  squeezy 
feeling  in  our  stomachs  as  we  stepped  on  the  swaying, 
swinging  platform  or  pontoon.  A  so-called  Jacob's  ladder  9 
led  up  to  the  deck  of  the  Gneisenau  and  climbing  it  was 
to  us  like  scaling  a  straight  mountain  side.  It  was  a 
nightmarish  termination  of  a  nightmarish  trip.  If  one 
added  to  it  our  apprehension  what  might  await  us  Jewish 
refugees,  the  adventure  could  only  be  called  macabre. 
And  so  we  took  one  cautious  step  after  another  up  the 
ladder,  holding  on  with  our  left  hand  to  the  rope  along 
the  outside  of  the  ladder.  I  had  put  my  right  hand  against 
Annie's  back  to  give  her  a  feeling  of  steadiness,  as  ima- 
ginary as  it  was.  If  only  one  of  those  ahead  of  us  would  have 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-    289    - 


# 


f 


slip',    we    all   would   have    toppled    like    so  many   dominoes, 
lined   up    one   behind    the    other,    onto    the   pontoouor    the 
sea   below.    It   was    all    less    dangerous    as    it  may    sound, 
and   yet   none   of  us    had    ever   climbed    a  Jacob's    ladder  onto 
a  gently   swaying   ship  which   appeared    to  us   as    enormous 
as   a   high   mountain.    None   of   us  were   athletes   or  sailors, 
just   ordinary    people,    young,    middle-aged   and  old.    I   can't 
tell   how  many    steps   we   had   to  climb   -    a  hundred,    a    thousand 
or  more?    Step    followed   step    -   and  we   didn't  dare   Wk  either  to 
look  up   or  down    for   fear   to    lose    our   balance   of  which   I 
had    little    anyway,    being   deaf   in   one    ear.    We   took   each 
step   by   itself    and    sighed  with  relief   when   at    last    a  hand 
reached   out    to   pull   us   on  deck.    No  mishap    occurred    and 
no  words   had  been   spoken.    The   SS    Gneisenau  was    lying  high 
on   the  water  and   as   we    looked   over   the   railing   we  didn't 
trust   our  eyes.    Down  below  the   launch   didn't   seem  to  be 
la4Lger   than   a  mere   rowboat.    High   above   us    a  single   Japanese 
military   plane  was   circling   in   the   air    like   a  vulture. 


The  very  moment    the    last    one    of  us   had   reached    the 


deck 


f 


our   suitcases   had  been  hauled    aboard^ 

was/ 
the   pontoon/ VM  pulled    in   and   the   anchors  were 


heaved^    Vihe    SS   Gneisenau   slowly   started   to   steam   toward 
the   China  Sea  and  back   to   Kobe,    from  where    she   had  been 
diverted.    Our   little,    decrepit    launch  with    the    sqadron  of 
brown  storm   troopers    pulled  away   in   the   opposition  direction 
to    return   to   Shanghai. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  290  - 


We  reached  kobe ,  Japan,  in  two  days  and  stayed  there 

for  three  more.  Being  the  first  evacuees,  reaching  Japan 

from  Shanghai,  we  were  what  is  generally  called  -  News. 

I  could  not  help  feeling  some  resentment  of  having  been 

taken  to  the  land  which  so  viciously  was  attacking  and 

destroying  the  city  we  had  adopted  for  our  new  home.  Again 

we  were  unsettled  escapees.  Only  two  weeks  ago  my  picture 

in  The  North  China  Daily  News/ 
had  been  prominently  displayed/next  to  one  of  Edward  G. 

Robinson,  mine  as  the  manager  of  the  famous  Casanova  Ball-- 
room and  Robinson's  as  the  star  of  a  new  film  "Thunder 
in  the  City".  How  true  a  prediction  that  title  turned  out 


to  be. 


Well  -  what  was  the  use  to  dwell  on  the  past?  One  can 

never  recapture  it. 

A  large  crowd  including  members  of  the  press 
were  waiting  for  us  down  below  dockside  as  the  Gneisenau 
made  fast.  It  seemed,  the  entire  German  community  from  Kobe, 
Yokohama  and  Tokyo  had  come  to  welcome  us . A  German  brass- 
band  played  German  national  tunes  and  all  of  us  were  wel= 

corned  with  rousing  shouts  of  "Heil  Hitler".  The  whole  scene 

-  to  say  the  least  ■/  -,  .  .  ^ 

was/painful  to  us  Jewish  refugees.  We  certainly  wouldn  t 

"heil"  that  damned  Hitler  back  as  the  other  German  passengers 
did.  Neither  had  we  any  desire  to  listen  to  the  German  music 
or  the  welcome  speeches.  We  kept  in  the  background,  wonder- 
ing if  the  Germans  in  East  Asia  had  not  yet  heard  of  the 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  ttl 


-  291  - 


% 


t 


t 


brutal  anti-Semitic  racial  Nazi-laws,  proclaimed  by  their 
"great"  Fuehrer  at  the  Nuremberg  rally  in  1935. 

Suddenly  through  all  the  noise  we  heard  our  names 
called.  Again  and  again.  Stepping  to  the  railing  high 
above  the  crowd  below  on  the  dock  we  scanned  for  whoever 
called  us.  After  some  time  we  saw  them,  a  couple  of  German- 
Jewish  friends  from  Shanghai  u/ho   had  left  Germany  just  days 
before  Hitler  came  to  power.  They  had  gone  on  a  vacation 
trip  to  Japan  prior  to  the  outbreak  of  the  Sino-Japanese 
hostilities  around  Shanghai.  They  were  stranded  now,  un=» 
able  to  return  to  Shanghai.  Luckily  they  had  enough  money 
to  hold  out  for  months. 

They  lived  in  a  small  Japanese  hotel,  the  owners  of 
which  had  hung  out  the  Nazi  Swastika  flag  in  their  honor. 
The  Japanese  could  not  differentiate  between  Germans  and 
German  Jews.  Germans  were  Germans  to  them.  We  spen^  the 
day  with  these  friends  and  returned  to  the  Gneisenau  for 
dinner.  Since  we  had  no  money  for  any  sightseeing,  they 
forced  us  to  accept  ten  dollars  although  we  did  not  know 
if  we  ever  could  repay  them.  In  fact,  after  we  left  Kobe, 
we  never  heard  from  them  again.  Years  later,  when  we  were 
already  in  America,  we  were  surplsed  when  someone  told  us 
that  they  had  been  Communists  and  had  gone  back  to  Germany 
after  the  war,  East-Germany  that  is.  They  had  disappeared 
behind  the  Iron  Curtain  like  divers  below  the  water  line 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing   came   of   iti 


-  292  - 


without  surfacing  again. 

Back  aboard  ship  the  first  evening  in  Kobe  we  found 
in  our  cabin  a  beautiful  basket  with  a  variety  of  the  most 
delicious  fresh  fruit  we  had  seen  in  a  long  time.  One  could 
not  eat  any  fresh  fruit  or  vegetable,  grown  in  China  (and 
imported  fruit  or  vegetable  had  been  much  too  expensive 
for  us) ,  because  the  Chinese  peasants  used  human  excrements 
as  fertilizer.  Of  course,  one  could  wash  them  in  a  potassium 
permanganate  solution,  which,  however,  generally  spoiled 
the  taste  and  was  not  a  hundred  percent  guarantee  against 
catching  diarhea  or  any  other  internal  disorder. 

Japan  was  different.  It  was  and  probably  still  is  the 
cleanest  and  most  sanitary  country  in  the  Orient.  One  could 
eat  any  food  grown  there  without  fear.  The  sight  of  the 
oranges,  apples,  pears,  bananas,  peaches,  plums  and  cherries 
made  our  mouth  water.  These  fruit  baskets,  one  for  each 
evacuee  couple,  were  presents  by  the  German  Embassy   as 
well  as  the  German  community  in  Japan.  Each  of  the  baskets, 
adorned  with  a  swastika  ribbon,  had  a  card  attached  to  it, 
offering  each  one  of  us  a  hearty  "Heil  Hitler"  welcome.  Even 
to  us  Jews.  It  seemed  to  be  unbejievable .  That  swastika 
ribbon  and  the  "Heil  Hitler"  spoiled  our  Jewish  appetite. 
In  a  way  this  goddamn  "Hcil  Hitler"  cxpresseoC  as  much  a 
menace  to  our  health  as  the  human  excrement  fertilizer  in 
China.  We  were  very  much  tempted  to  throw  the  whole,  god- 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  293  - 


f 


forsaken  basket,  fruit  and  all,  overboard  as  many  of  the 
Jewish  evacuees  did  in  their  rightful  scorn.  Annie  and  I 
had  second  thoughts.  We  threw  the  card  and  the  swastika 
ribbon  into  the  water  below  and  then  enjoyed  eating  the 
fruit.  After  all,  so  we  argued,  the  fruit  didn't  care 
whether  they  got  into  a  Jewish  or  German  stomach.  God 
had  grown  it  to  be  eaten  and  so  we  did.  To  be  sure,  we 
didn't  choke  on  them,  but  fervently  hoped  that  some  day 
in  the  near  future  the  Nazis  would  choke  on  their  swastikas. 


f 


t 


Using  the  ten  dollars, our  friends  so 
graciously  had  given  us,  we  took  a  trip  to  Takarazuka 
(pronounced:  Takarazka.  In  spoken  Japanese  the  "u"  be* 
fore  and  after  a  "k"  is  generally  omitted),  an  hour's 
train  ride  from  Kobe.  The  Takarazuka  Girl  Opera,  a  phe=» 
nomenon  and  living  legend  in  the  world  of  show  business, 
had  become  internationally  famous  since  it  had  been  founded 
more  than  half  a  century  ago.  Its  first  promoter,  Ichizo 
Kobayashi,  had  started  the  all-girl  song  and  dance  theatre 
in  1910  in  order  to  save  a  fifteen  and  a  half  mile  long, 
bankrupt  railroad  which  ran  between  Osaka  and  the  little, 
quaint  town  of  Takarazuka,  which  means  "Treasure  Hill". 
Recently  a  part  of  the  company,  which  consists  of 
about  four  hundred  beautiful,  graceful  girl  singers  and 
dancers,  toured  the  U.S.  We  didn't  go  to  see  the  show. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  294  - 


Its  great  charm  is  lost  out  of  its  own  surroundings.  One 
has  to  see  their  musical  extravaganzas  in  Takarazuka  itself 
to  appreciate  it.  Each  show  always  lasts  four  hours  with 
one  half  hour  intermission.  It  is  split  in  two  parts.  The 
first  half  is  a  Kabuki-style  musical  and  the  second  a 
Western  revue  where  the  girls  also  appear  in  male  roles. 
The  costumes  in  both  parts  are  dazzling  and  so  are  the 
sceneries. 

The  little  town  of  Takarazuka  has^grown  into  a  unique 
tourist  attraction.  The  Grand  Theatre  with  its  three  thou- 
sand five  hundred  seats  has  eleven  revolving  stages,  wind-, 
rain-,  smoke-machines,  so?te  one  thousand  floodlights,  over 
fifty  dr^  curtains  and  a  stage  almost  four  hundred  feet 
wide.   The  little  city  has  seal  and  otter  ponds  with 
small,  red  bridges,  a  monkey  island,  a  children's  play- 
ground, a  kind  of  zoo  with  kangaroos  and  elephants,  and 
various  restaurants,  foreign  and  Japanese. 

We  arrived  around  eleven  in  the  morning  and  had  two 
hours  until  the  performance  woi^d  start  at  one  o'clock, 
/o  we  wandered  around,  watching  the  majestically  proud- 
looking,  black  swans  on  the  lakes,  crossed  the  curved  red 
bridges  and  felt  as  if  we  had  been  trans-planted  into  a 
fairy  land.  Takarazuka  Shin-Onsen,  which  is  its  full  n 


ame 


is    exactly   what  we   uneducated    foreigners   envisioned   a 
Japanese   village   should    look    like.    Picturesque,    enchant= 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   iti 


-   295   - 


f 


% 


ing,    clean   -    an   Oriental   showcase. 

Although   foreigners    are   given    programs    with    an   English 
synopsis    of    the    plays,    it    did   not  matter  whether    one    read 
it    or  not.    The   stories   of    the    two  plays   were   of    little 
significance.    All    that  counted  were    the    glamorous   per** 
formances  of    the    girl    actors,    singers   and  dancers.   They 
had  been   trained    for  many    years.    Their    lives   were   strictly 
controlled.    They  were    not    allowed    to  marry.    They   were    some- 
thing  to  behold    in   their   dazzling,    sparkling,   bejeweled 

painted    in   pastel/ 
costumes.      The  beauty   of    the   sets, /MM  fli  color-shade 

was/ 
combinations,   SKKKMfwitH    indescribable    and   could   have 

created/ 
been/i 


only  by  Japanese   artists.    It   all  may  sound    like 
cliches,    but   one   had    to   see   it    to  believe   it. 

During    the    intermission  we   sat   down  on    a  velvet- 
upholstered    settee   in    the    large   foyer  and  watched   the 
audience   strolling  by.    The  Japanese    ladies   were   dressed 
in    the  most   beautiful,   most  colorful  kimonos   one   could 
see    in   Japan.    It   was    a  joy   for   the    eyes.    The  men   generally 
wore  drab  kimonos   of    subdued,    grey    shades.    The  women    of 
Japan   are  as    graceful    as    the   embodiments   of    perfect    flowers, 
complete    in    form   and   vagrance.    How   pitiful    that   nowadays 
so   many    of    them   had   adopted  Western   Fashion   which  deprives 
them  of    their  culturotif  heritage   and  unique,    oriental    beauty. 

A  middle-aged  Japanese  couple    sat   down   beside  us   and 
in   a  kindly   manner  talked   to  us   in    fairly  good  English. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  296  - 


When  we  told  them  that  we  were  evacuees  from  Shanghai, 
they  exhibited  great  concern.  They  had  read  in  their 
newspaper  about  the  Gneisenau's  rescue  mission.  Before 
we  parted  they  invited  us  to  tea  for  the  following  after=« 
noon.  In  fact,  they  promised  to  show  us  the  ancient  tea 
ceremony  since  we  appeared  to  be  very  interested  in  Japan^ 
ese  customs.  We  eagerly  and  gratefully  accepted.  They  lived 
somewhere  outside  of  Kobe  and  would  pick  us  up  at  the 
boat  and  take  us  back  in  time  before  the  Gneisenau  would 
be  leaving  the  following  evening. 

Thus  it  happened  that  we  were  the  only  passengers 
on  the  Gneisenau  to  be  invited  into  a  typical  Japanese 
home  which  so  far  we  only  had  seen  in  movies.  It  was  an 
experience  we  still  deeply  cherish.  Of  course,  we  shed 
our  shoes  before  entering  the  beautiful,  delicately 
fragile  house  and  walked  in  our  stockinged  feet  on  the 
soft  tatami  mats.  There  are  no  more  gracious  hosts  than 
the  Japanese  (an  inexplicable  contrast  to  the  brutalized 
Japanese  soldiers  of  the  second  world  war).  Our  friends, 
if  we  may  call  them  so,  although  we  never  saw  them  again, 
explained  to  us  the  many  thousand  years  old  tea  ceremony 
while  they  served  us.  The  ceremony  in  honor  of  a  special 
guest  is  called  "cha-no-yu". 

We  were  politely  asked  to  wait  in  an  outer  room,  called 

his/ 

the   "Yoritsuki".    Our  host,   who  had   picked   us  up    in   •/ small 


Please,    don't   worry  I    Nothing  came  of    iti 


-    297    - 


f 


automobile,    wished    to  change    from  his   Western-style   suit 
into    a  kimono.    When  he    re-appeared,    he   officially   welcomed 
us   by  bowing   to  us    with   his    hands   on   his    knees,    addressing 
us   as   Berges-San  and  Berges-Oksan.   Then,    sliding  back   a 
gossamery-paper  panel,    a  shoji,    he   led  us    into    the    largest, 
sparsely    furnished,    spotlessly   clean    room  of    the  house 
where  we   were    to  drink    tea  with    him  and  his  wife.    In   the 
center  on   a  tatami   mat    stood   a   low  table   with   a   soft 
cushion  on  each  of    its    four   sides.   Next   to   one   cushion 
was   placed   the    Shichirin,    a   dainty  charcoal   burner,    re» 
presenting   the    "winds   of   the   pines",    on  which    in  a   por= 
celain  kettle   water  was    boiling.    At  one  comer   of   the 
room  we   saw  the   traditional    tokonoma   niche  with   scroll 
paintings,    a  vase  with    flowers   and   the   butsudan,    the 
family  altar. 

The    lady   of  the  house,    dressed   in   a  more   colorful, 
but   still    simple  kimono,  formally    greeted   us    in   the    same 
manner  as    her  husband  had  done   in   the   Yoritsuki.    We   bowed 
baclcand   then   sat  down  cross-legged    (a   very   strenuous   exer* 
cize    for    foreigners)    on    the   cushions.    The   hostess    served 
us    in    the    traditional  manner   of   the  ancient   tea  ceremony. 
Into   each   of   the   four  handleless    cups    she   put    three    tea- 
spoon^ full    of  green, powdered    tea,    then  poured   hot  water 
over   it,    twirled  the    tea  with   a  bamboo  whisk,    which   al- 


m 


ost  looked  like  a  shaving  brush,  until  the  tea  was  frothy. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  298  - 


The  bubbles  of  the  froth  represented  the  "evanescence  of 
life",  reminding  us  that  life  was  nothing  but  a  fading 
experience.  At  last  with  a  rythmical,  gracious  gesture 
she  turned  each  bowl  around  twice  and  then  presented  it 
to  us.  We  were  told  also  to  turn  the  bowl  around  twice 
and  then  slowly  enjoy  drinking  the  brew  with  audibly 
sucking  noise. 

During  the  afternoon  as  guests  of  these  two  kind, 
extra-ordinarily  cultured  people  we  experienced  a  few 
hours  of  true  inner  peace  as  we  had  not  known  for  many 
years  and  would  not  know  for  many  years  to  come.  Like 
us  they  abhorred  war  and  were  ashamed  of  their  power- 
hungry,  military  leaders  (as  we  were  of  ours  in  Nazi- 
Germany)  ,  who  -  as  they  said  -  in  their  lust  for  conquest 
fed  like  maggots  on  decaying  human  minds.  The  exception, 
they  said,  was  their  revered  Emperor  Hirohito  who  was  the 
gentlest  of  men,  but  did  not  have  any  political  power.  He 
was  a  symbol  of  godliness,  far  removed  from  the  realities 
of  common  life.  CXir  conversation  turned  to  thoughts,  not 
bounded  by  our  different  nationalities  or  the  chasm  between 
Occident  and  Orient.  We  were  simply  four  human  beings  of 
the  same  mind,  but  caught  up  in  a  whirlpool  which  none  of 
us  could  control.  We  agreed  that  moral,  ethical  and  politic^" 
al  issues  have  been  and  are  being  again  and  again  arti£>fc^-=. 
ally  reduced  by  a  minority  of  irrational,  shouting,  but 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  299  - 


t 


not  listening  extremists  to  fundamentally  primitive  con- 
cepts which  deny  any  ideological  principles  to  the  con- 
trary. 

It  is  my  belief  that  when  strange  people  meet  for  a 
short  time  it  happens  for  a  higher  purpose.  Our  meeting 
seemed  to  prove  that  active  minds,  although  they  had  been 
formed  in  basically  diverse  upbringing  and  cultures,  are 
able  to  bridge  the  gap  if  rationality  and  the  will  for 
neighborly  kind-heartedness  prevail.  There  was  between 
us  a  convergence  of  ideas  which  had  an  ever-lasting  ben= 
eficial  effect  on  us  and  we  tend  to  think  on  them  as  well. 
Sadly  enough,  though,  too  many  people  do  not  activate  their 
minds  and  instead  let  them  float  on  the  shallow  surface 
of  existence.  They  are  willing  to  follow  any  Pied  Piper, 
any  demagogue,  any  evangelist  and  quack  as  long  as  they 
are  not  compelled  to  think  for  themselves. 

In  these  few  hours  of  a  single  afternoon  the  four  of 
us  were  friends,  true  friends,  although  we  had  not  met  be« 
fore  and  in  all  probability  would  never  meet  again.  It  was 
beautiful  and  the  memory  has  lingered  on  all  over  the  years 
When  we  parted,  this  kind  Japanese  couple  warmly  addressed 
me  as  Berges  Kum,  meaning  our  good  friend.  Therein  lies 
a  deep  tragedy.  If  only  ordinary  people  and  not  heads  of 
states  in  summit  meetings  could  converse  with  ordinary 
people  of  other  nations  and  cultures,  we  all  could  and 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  300  - 


would  be  good  friends  and  neighbors.  The  Hitlers,  the 

Stallns,  the  Mao  tse-Tungs,  the  Kosygens,  the  Tojos,  the 

Nassers,  the  George  Wallaces,  the  Fulbrights,  McGoverns, 

the  Joe  and  Eugene  McCarthys,  the  De  Gaulles  and  Francos 

would  have  no  chance  to  rule  our  thinking.  We  would  be 

liberated  from  the  yoke  of  prejudicial  extremism.  Fascism, 

Communism,  Racism  would  be  words  without  meaning. 

But  there  we  were  again  aboard  the  Nazi  ship  Gneise= 

nau,  leaving  Kobe  on  a  journey  into  the  unknown  as  far  as 

we  were  concerned.  This  one  afternoon  was  just  a  short, 

although  unforgettable  interlude  which  could  not  change 

our  destiny.  We  still  were  exiles,  unprotected  4y   any 

laws,  at  t^^e  mercy  of  powers  from  which  we  could  not 

escape.  Again  like  in  the  Siberian  Express  we  were  travel- 

of/ 
ing  without  any  knowledge/what  we  could  expect.  Chjr  mis  = 

so/ 
givings,  our  apprehensions  were  real  and/were  our  con= 

stantly  gnawing  doubts  if  we  shouldn't  have  stayed  in 

Shanghai  instead  of  trusting  the  promise  that  we  would 


be  landed  in  Manila.  There  is  as  little  honor 


among 


political    fanatics   as    there   is    among  any   other  criminals. 
And    so  we  could   not   enjoy    our    sea   voyage   on    a   luxury 
liner.    We  were  not  molested   either   by  word   or  deed,    and 
yet   we  could    feel    the    silent   antagonism   against   us,    al» 
though  we  might  have    imagined    it  more   than    it  was    factual. 
We   avoided  getting  acquainted   with   any   of   the   other   passen- 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   it! 


% 


-   301   - 


gers  and  none  made  an  effort  to  get  acquainted  with  us. 
We  existed  -  at  least  in  our  minds  -  in  a  kind  of  vacuum. 
Our  faces  were  masks.  Our  smiles  were  artificial.  Young 
people  nowadays  complain  about  insecurity  without  knowing 
what  it  is.  We've  lived  with  tangible  as  well  as  legal 
Insecurity  during  the  years  we  were  people  without  a 
country.  That  is,  perhaps,  why  we  so  much  more  appreciate 
the  security  of  American  citizenship  than  most  native-born 
Americans.  It  is  the  greatest  gift.  God  has  granted  us. 
(Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  wherever  you  are.) 


That  night,  when  the  Gneisenau  sailed 
away  from  Kobe  to  Hong  Kong,  Annie  and  I  took  stock  of 
our  status.  When  we  left  Germany  we  had  been  worse  off, 
for  we  had  not  known  what  ^ife  in  exile  would  be.  In 
these  last  two  years  we  had  learned  more  than  we  realized. 

We  had  learned  to  hold  our  own,  no  matter  what  and  despite 

that/ 
the  fact/5nce  more  we  were  on  German  territory.  It  was 

an  odd  and  anomalic  situation  in  which  we  found  ourselves. 
We  had  also  learned  to  speak,  read  and  write  English  fairly 
well.  Both  of  us  made  up  our  minds  that  one  day  we  would 
go  and  live  in  the  United  States,  come  hell  or  high  water. 
We  had  not  the  faintest  idea  how  to  accomplish  it,  but  we 
were  determined.  And  that  was  all  that  counted. 

Timothy  complained  that  he  was  prone  to  sea-sickness. 


Please,    don*t  worry!    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  302  - 


Even  with  the  ocean  as  calm  as  it  was,  he  didn't  feel  too 


we 


II.  If  he  wanted  to,  he  could  transport  himself  to  Manila 


without  suffering  a  long  sea  voyage.  He  could  wait  for  us 
there  if  we  promised  not  to  get  ourselves  into  any  trouble. 
I  promised  him  that  we  would  jump  overboard  if  he  dared 
to  leave  us  alone  for  a  minute.  We  were  In  dangerous  terri^ 
tory  and  who  could  tell  what  might  happen  to  us  without 
him.^  I  could  not  anticipate  how  right  I  was.  Something 
happened  that  could  be  called  a  near-catastrophe,  although 
it  had  nothing  to  do  with  Nazism. 


As 


I  turned  around  in  bed  and  tried  to  sleep  I  began 


to  reminisce.  All  right,  we  were  determined  to  immigrate 
to  America.  I  remembered  that  many  years  ago,  and  before 
I  had  met  Annie,  I  almost  did  so.  If  I  had,  Annie  and  I 


wou 


Id  not  have  found  each  other.  However,  truthfully  it 


was  in  the  book  that  we  did. 

I  had  been  in  my  early  twenties  and  Germany  was  a 
bleak  country  during  the  post-war  years.  There  was  much 
hunger,  mass-unemployment  and  an  unbelievable  inflation. 
I  had  studied  American  history  and  government,  and  I 
thought  the  time  had  come  to  find  out  for  myself  what 
America  was  like.  My  mother  had  a  cousin  living  in  New 
York.  She  wrote  to  him  and  he  invited  me  to  come  over 
and  try  America  for  a  spell.  If  I  like  it,  I  could  stay 
and  apply  for  citizenship.  On  the  other  hand  I  always 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  303  - 


% 


could  return  to  the  old  country.  He  was  not  a  rich  man, 
but  he  could  afford  to  give  me  room  and  board.  Please, 
don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it!  A  few  weeks  prior  to 
my  departure  the  good  man  passed  away,  and  I  stayed  on 
in  Germany.  Well,  that's  the  way  it  was  in  life,  I  thought, 
before  falling  asleep  that  night.  All  one  actually  needed 
was  faith  in  God,  and  we  had  that,  both  Annie  and  I,  and 
since  this  faith  had  carried  us  so  far,  it  would  carry 
us  further.  Many  do  not  believe  it,  but  God's  will  be 
done.  Always.  Whatever  we  are  -  Americans,  Germans,  British, 
French  or  you  name  it  -  even  exiles  -  whether  you*ve  faith 
or  not  -  none  of  us  ever  ceases  to  be  a  citizen  in  the 
Kingdom  of  God. 


The  odds  are  that  very  few  tourists,  even 

if  they  travel  to  the  Orient  more  than  once,  have  ever 

typhoon/ 
met  with  a/tyKpan  or  will  ever  meet  with  one.  If  they  do, 

the  odds  are  even  longer  that  they  will  meet  with  the  kind 

of  typhoon  we  ran  into.  It  seemed  that  everything  happened 

to  us,  but  to  make  such  a  claim  is  blasphemy.  Our  tribu= 

lations,  our  pains  and  anguish  as  well  as  our  happiness 

are  bestowed  on  us  by  God  who  always  has  His  reasons  which 

sometimes  we  learn  to  understand  and  more  often  not.  There 

cannot  be  an  argument  about  it. 


Generally  typhoons  rage  in  the  Far  East  between  May 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  304  - 


and  November.  Allegedly,  though,  they  are  always  dls- 
atrously  violent  when  they  blow  In  August  and  September. 

It  was  August  when  we  steamed  from  Kobe  to  Hong  Kong 

as/ 
and,  as  I  said,  the  ocean  was/peaceful  and  bluish-green  as 

a  benevolent  mountain  lake.  One  reaches  the  actual  Hong 
Kong  harbor  after  passing  through  the  so-called  Junk  Bay 
and  then  through  a  sort  of  canal.  We  arrived  early  in  the 
morning  and  docked  opposite  Hong  Kong  at  one  of  Kowloon's 
piers.  All  the  docks  for  passenger  liners  and  large 
freighters  are  situated  at  Kowloon  on  the  mainland  side 
of  the  mountain-ringed  harbor  which  with/ its  many  emerald- 
green  islands  appears  to  be  more  of  an  inland  lake  than 
a  sea  port,  teeming  with  dirty-grey  Chinese  junks,  little 
white  sampans  and  scurrying  ferry  boats.  Several  naval 
ships  lay  at  anchor  in  the  middle  of  the  harbor. 

From  the  city  of  Kowloon  on  the  Kowloon  Peninsula, 
a  mile  across  the  harbor,  the  sight  of  the  twenty-nine 
square  miles  island  of  Hong  Kong  (translated:  Place  of 
Sweet  Lagoons)  and  Victoria  City  is  just  fabulous.  No 
other  adjective  will  do.  At  night  Hong  Kong,  rising  up 
on  a  mountainous  hill,  the  Peak,  glitters  like  a  star- 
studded  fairy  land. 

From  Hong  Kong  the  view  upon  Kowloon  (anglicized 
Cantonese  for  "Nine  Dragons")  is  something  else.  KowJ.oon's 

range  of  hil^s,  whose  highest  point  at  over  three  thousand 
feet  is  Taimo  Shan,  actually  resembles  a  row  of  dragons. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  305  - 


I 


m 


While  Victoria  on  the  island  of  Hong  Kong  is  the  business 
center  of  the  British  colony,  Kowloon  is  the  industrial 
complex  with  Nathan  Road  world-famous  for  its  shops.  We 
almost  spent  our  last  dollar  there  and  bought  a  black, 
dragon-embroidered  silk  robe  for  me  at  a  bargain  price 
we  couldn't  resist.  I  still  have  it  and  like  a  good  luck 
charm  I  always  take  it  along  each  time  I've  to  go  to  the 
hospital  which  in  the  last  fifteen  years  has  happened  more 
often  than  I  like  to  count. 

From  April  to  October  the  sun  is  all  prevailing  in 
Hong  Kong.  The  humid  heat  is  devastating,  worse  even  than 
in  Shanghai.  As  the  SS  Gneisenau  made  fast  at  one  of  the 
piers,  we  saw  a  number  of  other  passnger  liners  at  pier 
after  pier.  There  were  among  others  the  Italian  "Conte 
Verdi",  the  British  "Korfu",  the  Japanese  "Asama  Maru" 
and  the  Dutch  "Van  Heuszten".  A  great  number  of  freighters 
were  unloading  their  goods,  destined  for  Shanghai,  which 
had  been  declared  out  of  bounds.  Aside  from  Rio  de  Janeiro 
and  Sydney  -  Hong  Kong  is  being  considered  the  finest  and 
safest  harbor  in  the  world  as  long  as  there  is  no  typhoon 
hitting  it.  Then  it  changes  into  hell's  cauldron. 

During  breakfast  we  were  warned  that  there  was  a 
cholera  epidemic  prevalent  in  Hong  Kong  and  that  we  should 
not  eat  or  drink  anything  and  anywhere  but  in  foreign 
restaurants  or  hotels  which,  of  course,  Annie  and  I  could 
not  afford.  Moreover,  we  were  advised  to  be  back  on  board 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


•  306  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  307  - 


before   six  In  the  afternoon.  There  was  a  typhhon  warning 
for  the  night  and  all  big  liners  would  leave  Hong  Kong 
harbor  before  nightfall. 

We  didn't  think  much  of  it.  A  typhoon,  after  all, 
had  little  meaning  to  us.  But  one  had  to  live  through 
one  to  learn  better.  The  Gneisenau  with  a  number  of 
other  big  ships  steamed  out  of  the  harbor  for  the  dur- 
ation of  the  storm  because  it  always  got  caught  there 
like  in  a  funnel  with  the  deathly  result  of  a  giant- 
sized,  furious  whirlpool,  the  power  of  which  cannot  be 


/^ 


imagined,    unless   one    afterwards  witnesses  the   destruction 
t   had/ 


caused. 

Timothy,  although  he  was  gloomy  and  kind  of  obstreper- 
ous,  had  no  choice  but  to  accompany  us  to  the  other  side 
of  the  harbor  and  Hong  Kong  proper.  As  much  as  we  were 
tempted,  we  didn't  take  the  cable  car  to  ride  up  to  the 
top  of  the  eighteen  hundred  three  feet  high  Peak  from 

t 

where  on  clear  days  one  allegedly  could  see  the  Poruguese 

island  of  Macao,  some  forty  miles  to  the  West.  In  fact, 

when  we  did  take  the  ride  two  days  later,  we  couldn't 

on  the  other  side  of  the  Peak/ 
even  see  the  outlines  of  that  far-away  island, but/we 

Ba^^/ 
caught  a  glimpse  of  Repulse/riHi 


Hong  Kong's  fashionable,  all  year-round  resort 
place.  At  it  was,  we  could  do  little,  being  down  to 
three  dollars  cash.  For  an  hour  or  two  we  walked  through 


# 


"% 


Hong  Kong's  narrow  streets,  inhaling  the  same  pungent 
smells  we  remembered  from  Shanghai.  Then  as  now  Hong  Kong 
seethed  with  people.  We  pressed  through  the  bustling  crowds 
and  did  some  window  shopping  if  one  can  call  it  that.  Chinese 
shops  had  open  fronts  and  no  windows.  Sometimes  it  wasn't 
easy  to  withstand/ the  temptation  to  buy  curios,  although 
we  were  used  to  them  from  Nantao  and  Yates  Road  in  Shang- 
hai. Buying  curios  seems  to  be  a  compulsive  affliction 

of  all  travelers  and  more  often  than  not  one  just  acquires 
worthless/ 


Tja— » 


junk.  But  Hong  Kong,  being  a  free  port,  was  and 


supposedly  still  is  a  bargain  delight  for  shoppers,  hanker- 
ing for  mementos  as  for  instance  Chinese  hand-woven  rugs, 
Swatow  embroideries,  delicate  ivory  carvings  or  jade 
jewelry. 

Although  we  were  wearing  our  tropical  outfits  (Uhich 
was  almost  all  we  had  in  way  of  clothing  aside  from  our 

professional  evening  wear),  we  were  drenched  as  soon  as 

had/ 
we/sCarted  on  our  first  tour  of  Hong  Kong.  The  climate  was 

worse  than  in  Shanghai.  Luckily   we  didn't  know  that  Manila 

would  even  beat  that.  One  never  gets  used  to  the  absolute 

heat  and  almost  one  hundred  percent  humidity  in  the  tropics 

After  two  years  of  Shanghai  we  still  couldn't  take  it  too 

well.  Besides,  the  alleged  cholera  epidemic,  of  which  we 

couldn't  detect  a  sign,  scared  us  somewhat.  We  perspired 

profusely,  but  we  didn't  dare  to  buy  something  to  drink 


H 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  308  - 


anywhere.  We  returned  to  the  safety  of  the  Gnetscnau  long 
before  the  deadline  of  six  p.m.,  changed  into  dry  clothes 
after  taking  showers  and  then  watched  the  preparations  for 
the  expected  typhoon.  All  windows  and  port  holes  were  her- 
metically  sealed.  The  hatches  were  closed  and  rope  hand- 
lines  were  rigged  everywhere.  All  during  the  afternoon  one 
ship  after  the  other  left  the  harbor  -  with  the  exception 
of  the  Dutch  "Van  Heuszten"  which  went  to  anchor  in  the 
center  of  the  harbor  alongside  the  naval  vessels. 

We  left  the  pier  shortly  after  six  and  steamed  slowly 
through  the  narrow  channel  to  Junk  Bay  where  quite  a  way 
out  from  the  shore  line  the  Gneisenau  waited  with  her 


engines  idling  for  the  storm  to  break.  Innocent 


as  we 


were,  none  of  us  passengers  were  prepared  for  the  cata= 
strophic   intensity  of  a  typhoon,  and  this  one  turned  out 
to  be  a  lulu.  Other  passenger!  liners  and  freighters  had 
gone  to  anchor  all  over  Jun/T  Bay.  Only  the  Gneisenau  did 
not  let  her  anchors  down.  We  wondered  why  not,  but  the 
steady  hum  of  the  idling  engines  somehow  gave  us  a  feeling 
of  confidence.  Timothy,  however,  was  in  a  state  of  alarm. 
In  all  his  years  as  a  guardian  angel  he  never  had  faced 
any  danger  of  this  sort.  He  was  a  landlubber  and  water 
scared  him  more  than  anything  else.  He  prayed  for  guidance. 

Gradually  the  blue  sky  turned  into  an  ominous  grey 
and  darkness  set  in  with  frightening  suddenness.  Within 


Please,  don't  worry  I .Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  309  - 


I 


I 


a  minute   day  Changed   into  night,    total    night   without   stars 
and  without  a  moon.    A   light,    drizzly    rain  beg^i    to   fall 
which    in   another  hour   turned    into  If  slashing,    pouring 
water    sheds.    The  Gneisenau   seemed    to  be    alone    in   all    the 
world    which  had  been  lost   to    the   eye.    Darkness   obliterated 
everything.    Winds    began   blowing,    churning  the    sea   around  us. 
Yet,    strangely    enough,    we  were   not   perturbed.    The    big   nine=» 
teen    thousand    ton    ship   was    to  us    an    island   of    security. 

We  had   lived    through   some   sort   of   a   storm  on    the 
little  Japanese   steamer  between   Dairen   and  Tsingtao.    We 
could   not    imagine    that    that    one  was   children's   play   in 
comparison   to    the    one  we  were  headed    into  now.    Our   ship 
began    to    sway    and    swing   as    the    ferocity   of   the   storm   in- 
creased.   Nonetheless,   we   sat   down   for  a  belated  dinner 
and  ate  with  good    appetite. 

The   heat    of  Hong   Kong   and    the  many   miles  we    had  walked 
through  her  streets   had    tired  us   out.    So  we    turned   in   quite 
early    in    the   evening  and   fell   quickly   asleep    although    the 
boat    began  heavily    to    roll.    Sjveral   hours    later  the   loud 
clanging   of   the  ship's    bells  woke   us   up.    I   had   the   sen=» 
sational    feeling   that    I  was    lying  upside  down  or   something 
of  the  sort.    And   then   again    I  was   not.    In  quick   succession 
the   ship    listed  deeply    to   starboard,    came  up   again  and   then 


did   the   same    to   the  port  side.    In  between   it   heaved   fore 

11; 

and  aft.    It   felt   like   being   on   a  merry-go-round,^ 


jinxed    into   beinft/ 
dT 


*«WM»witiiW|iMiiiiiiwaM<itw''fc»'w 


.ui^mrfm^-^im-:---''- r-  ■■-'■~:T''v;'":  '■.:.::;:"": 


Please,    don't  worry.'    Nothing   came   of   It! 


-  310  - 


totally  wild  and  out  of  control.  It  was  so  absurd  that  we 

forgot  to  be  scared  or  get  seasick.  Outs ide/^r  cabin  it 

sounded  as  if  people  were  running  back  and  forth,  bumping 

against  walls  and  doors.  Despite  the  roaring  noise  of  the 

storm,  we  could  hear  excitedly  yelling  voices.  Then  I 

heard  some  one  groaning  and  moaning  within  our  cabin.  1 

called  to  Annie,  but  she  hollered  back  that  she  didn't 

groan  or  moan  although  she  felt  like  it.  We  tried  to  get 

-  ,   .  exertion/ 

out  of  bed.  It  afforded  a  major/aH»  because  if  we  didn't 

hold  on  to  something  we  were  thrown  around  as  if  we  were 
foot  balls.  I  managed  to  turn  the  light  on.  Holy  mackerel, 
the  cabin  was  a  mess.  Everything  was  strewn  about  and 
rolling  all. 'over  the  floor.  Trying  to  reach  for  something 
was  a  gamble.  The  very  moment  we  thought  we  had  it,  it 
slithered  away  and  then  came  back  like  in  a  magic  game. 
It  wasn't  easy  to  get  halfway  dressed,  but  somehow  we 
managed  to  get  some  clothes  on.  although  we  were  bruised 
in  the  process.  I  still  heard  the  groaning  and  moaning 
and  it  went  on  ray  nerves.  At  an  opportune  moment  I  suc= 
ceeded  in  grabbing  our  briefcase  which  contained  all  our 
papers  and  documents  as  well  as  the  manuscript  of  my  book. 
I  held  on  to  it  as  if  my  life  depended  on  it.  Someone  was 
knocking  hard  at  our  door.  We  heard  our  room  steward's 
voice  calling  out  for  us  to  get  up   and  dressed,  then  put 
on  our  life  belts  and  proceed  to  the  diningroom.  What  in 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  311  - 


I 


the  name  of  the  devil  was  the  matter  with  him.  Did  he  per- 
haps imagine  anyone  could  have  stayed  asleep  in  this  may- 
hem? And  what  about  the  life  belts?  Ever  since  we  had  left 
Kobe  we  had  had  only  one  life  belt  drill.  For  the  heck  of 
it  we  couldn't  remember  how  to  fasten  that  unyieldy  thing. 
In  front  or  back?  It  was  aiyimpossible  task  anyway  in  the 
turmoil  when  standing  or  sitting  at  one  spot  was  an  aero- 
bat's  feat.  Annie  and  I  helped  each  other  the  best  we  could 
while  one  of  us  was  holding  on  to  somthing  immobile.  When 
the  next  morning  we  inspected  each  other,  our  bodies  re- 
sembled raised  maps,  blue  and  green  colored  and  with  more 
bruises  and  bumps  we  could  count. 

Still  the  groaning  and  moaning  had  not  stopped.  It 
turned  out  to  come  from  Timothy  who  at  last  managed  to 
complain  that  he  was  terribly  seasick  and  that  this  was 
worse  than  hell  could  ever  have  been. 


God  in  heaven,  who  ever  would  have  thought  that  a 
guardian  angel  could  get  sea  sick?  I  bawled  him  out  that 
he  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  himself.  It  didn't  do  any  good. 
He  continued  groaning  and  moaning,  and  I  was  glad  that 
after  reaching  the  diningroom  nobody  but  I  could  hear  him. 
I  reminded  him  that  Annie  and  I  depended  on  him  if  the 


wo 


rst  came  to  the  worst.  He  had  to  fish  us  out  of  the 


1 


drink.  That  was  his  god-given  duty.  In  fact,  he  better 
beware  and  do  something  that  the  whole  ship  didn't  go 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  312  - 


under.  "The  whole  ship?"  he  groaned.  "You  must  be  crazy  I 

Do  you  think  I'm  the  only  guardian  angel  on  board?  I'll 

look  out  for  you  two  and  that's  all." 

The  first  sound-film  we  had  seen  came  to  my  mind. 

Maybe  you  remember  or  heard  of  it.  No,  not  the  one  with 

Al  Jolson  and  his  black  face.  It  was  "Atlantis",  the  story 

of  the  Titanic  catastrophe.  But  that  hadn't  been  a  typhoon 

ed/ 
Only  a  big  iceberg.  I  wonder/ if  in  our  case  women  and 

children  would  also  be  given  first  seats  in  li/^  boats. 

I  wondered  how  the  passengers  and  crew  would  act  when 

it  came  to  sinking?  I  wondered  what  Annie  would  do.  I 

knew  her  stubbornness.  She  never  would  go  with  the  women 

and  children  while  I  had  to  stay  on  the  sinking  ship.  How 

about  Timothy,  seasick  as  he  was,  could  he  take  care  of 

both  of  us?  And  how  about  the  other  guardian  angels?  There 

were  always  people  whC?  perished  in  a  disaster.  Did  they 

or  didn't  they  have  guardian  angels  or  was  their  time 

actually  up?  Too  many  questions  were  /racing  through  my 

mindwhile  we  were  tossed  from  one  side  of  the  cabin  to 
> 

the  other.  At  last  Annie  and  I  were  ready  to  leave  the 

imaginary  safety  of  our  room. 

The  trip  to  the  diningroom  was  a  major  expedition.  I 

had  taken  ray  briefcase  along,  determined  not  to  let  go  of 

it.  The  Gneisenau  was  listing  more  and  more  heavily  to 

all  four  sides,  bow  and  stern,  port  and  starboard.  The 
big  ocean  liner  was  but  a  toy  with  the  crest  of  the  waves 


Please  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  313  - 


ttl 


I 


crashing  over  her.  We  were  not  riding  out  the  storm.  The 
storm  was  riding  us  out.  I  don't  know  how  hight  the  highest 
point  of  the  Gneisenau  was,  but  each  wave/reached  higher 
and  broke  with  a  thunderous  noise  that  made  the  ship 
shudder  and  our  ear  drums  hurt.  The  storro  was  howling. 


and  I  mean  howling. 


it/ 


J-t/ 
It  seemed  as  if /took  me  an  eternity  to  pull  the  door 

open.  The  very  moment  I  succeeded  we  saw  a  body  gliding 

past  us  on  the  floor  of  the  gangway.  It  was  eerie  because 

not  a  sound  emanated  from  it.  The  next  moment  the  same 

body  came  gliding  back  as  the  ship  heaved  to  the  other 

side.  It  disappeared  at  the  far  end  around  a  comer.  We 


were 


thrown  to  the  floor  the  very  instant  we  let  go  of 


the  door.  Somehow  we  managed  to  scramble  up   again.  Tim- 
othy was  gi^aning  into  my  ear,  and  I  told  him  to  shut  up. 
I  still  held  on  to  my  briefcase  with  one  hand  and  the 
other  to  Annie.  More  passengers  were  coming  out  of  their 
cabins.  Many  of  them  were  only  partly  dressed.  They  had 
their  life  belts  fastened  any  odd  way.  Only  the  next 
morning  it  occurred  to  us  how  funny  we  looked,  but  then 
it  was  easy  to  joke  about  it.  Amidst  the  cacophonous  fury 

of  the  storm  we  heard  the  wailing  6f  children.  Somewhere 

a/ 
a  woman  screamed  in/high  pitch.  We  were  again  holding  on 

to  our  cabin  door,  afraid  to  let  go.  When  we  did,  we  felt 
as  if  we  were  sliding  down  a  chute  and  the  next  moment 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  314  - 


were  confronted  with  a  high  wall.  We  were  thrown  from  one 
side  to  the  other  of  the  narrow  gangway  and  began  to  ache 
all  over.  I  couldn't  tell  how  long  It  took  us,  but  we  fin- 
ally reached  the  diningroom  or  rather  were  shot  into  it 
like  bullets  from  a  canon.  We  climbed  onto  two  empty  chairs 
which  like  all  diningroom  furniture  had  been  screwed  to 
the  floor.  We  sat  down,  totally  exhausted.  I  got  worried 
because  I  didn't  hear  a  sound  from  Timothy  and  wondered 
where  he  might  be.  Clinging  to  the  chairs  and  the  table 
in  front  of  us,  we  threw  glances  to  the  high  windows.  Waves 
of  water  mountains  obscured  any  view.  In  between  we  heard 
and  felt  the  heavy  engines  throbbing  in  a  futile  scorn 
against  the  elements. 

Suddenly  we  were  jarred  as  if  an  earthquake  had  hit 

had/ 
us.  Many  of  us  were  thrown  to  the  floor  and/to  pull  our- 

selves  up  to  our  chairs  again.  A  minute  later  we  heard 

the  pumps  working  in  a  furious  rythm. 

I  wasn't  the  only  fool  who  clung  to  a  brief-  or  attache 

case,  containing  whatever  we  considered  our  most  valuable 


po 


ssessions.  In  fact,  there  wasn't  a  single  exception.  Dc 


spite  all  the  mayhem  and  excitement  everyone  had  taken  the 
same  p>i,rcaution  -  if  one  could  call  it  that.  None  of  us 
had  gotten  the  message  that  it  wouldn't  have  made  any 
difference  whether  our  valuables  went  down  with  us  or  in 
our  cabins  in  case  the  Gneisenau  sank.  Not  a  single  life 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  315  - 


^ 


J 


boat  could  have  been  launched  with  waves  as  high  as  mountains. 
Not  one  of  us  could  have  succeeded  in  swimming  ashore,  a 
distance  of  at  least  three  miles,  and  holding  a  case  to 
boot.  But  there  we  were,  not  letting  go  of  our  small  cases, 
sitting  like  ghosts  and  looking  like  bulky  monsters  with 
our  life  belts. 

Then  and  there  we  were  all  equals.  Gentiles  and  Jews, 
rich  and  poor.  We  were  all  fragile  human  beings  in  the 
hands  of  God.  We  were  brothers  and  sisters  whose  lives 
depended  on  the  whims  of  a  nature  which  was 'running  amok. 

Nobody  uttered  a  sound.  Nobody  showed  any  signs  of 
seasickness  although  our  faces  had  the  greenish  taint  that 
preceded  what  the  French  so  aptly  call:  Mai  de  mer.  During 
any  other  normal  storm  our  stomachs  would  have  been  pushed 
into  our  throats.  However,  our  minds  were  frozen  to  a  stupor 
which  prevented  the  brain  to  give  the  order:  Get  seasick. 
Even  the  children  kept  quiet,  clinging  to  their  parents 
as  if  they  had  the  power  to  save  them. 

The  storm,  raging  above  and  around  us,  was  far  more 
than  a  mere  nightmare.  It  was  a  super-chimerical  orgie  of 
total  evil.  It  was  hell  incorporated.  CXir  senses  dulled  to 
this  outrage  beyond  our  human  capacity  of  understanding.  It 


was  death  without  dying.  The  ship  heaved  heavier  and  heavier 
The  miracle  was  that  she  always  straightened  out  again  and 

not  keeled  over.  Wave  followed  wave,  crashing  over  and  down 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  316  - 


on  us.  Each  one  could  spell  the  end.  But  we  weren't 


any 


more  able  to  comprehend.  We  sat  like  lifeless  figures  in 
a  wax  museum.  The  pumps  were  working  feverishly,  and  so 
were  the  engines.  None  of  all  this  reached  our  conscious 
mind.  We  were  beyond  fear,  the  most  human  of  all  emotions. 
This  was  a  typhoon  to  end  all  typhoons.  How  true  it  was. 
When  all  was  over,  we  learned  that  in  the  last  fifty  years 
no  other  typhoon  of  this  magnitude  had  ever  hit  the  China 


Sea  and  Hong  Kong  in  particular.  With  the  winds  exceed! 
a  velocity  of  one  hundred  twenty-five  miles  an  hour  no 
instruments  were  able  to  measure  the  full  extent  of  the 


ng 


impact. 


Eons  of  time  went  by  during  these  night  hours.  Eons 


and  eons.  We  didn't  believe  our  eyes  when  the  diningro 


ora 


door  was  pulled  open  and  quickly  closed  again.  The  captain 
of  the  Gneisenau  paid  us  a  visit  in  all  this  upheaval.  He 
had  taken  time  out  from  his  super-human  duties  to  keep  the 
ship  afloat.  We  all  turned  our  heads  toward  him.  What  was 
he  bringing  us  -  a  message  of  doom  or  hope?  Streams  of 
water  were  running  down  from  his  black  rain  coat.  His 
wet  face  was  drawn  and  very  serious.  He  remained  standing 
near  the  door  like  a  bulwark  against  the  elements  which 
were  threatening  us.  With  his  legs  apart  he  took  the  heav=' 
ing  and  swaying  as  if  he  were  mounted  to  the  floor. 

"Ladies  and  gentlemen,"  he  loudly  and  steadfas tedly 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it'. 


-  317  - 


i 


addressed  us  with  a  forced  smile  on  his  weather-beaten 
face,  "please,  give  me  your  attention  for  a  few  minutes. 
I  came  to  tell  you  personally  that  we  have  the  situation 
well  in  hand.  This  ship  can  withstand  any  storm,  and  so 
showill.  However,  you  must  have  felt  the  jarring  collision 
some  time  ago.  It  so  happened  that  a  rudderless  freighter 
rammed  us  aft  and  tore  a  hole  into  our  portside.  Our  pumps 
are  strong  enough  to  take  care  of  the  inrushing  water.  We  f| 
have  it  under  control  and  with  God's  help  will  keep  it 
that  way.  For  the  last  three  hours  we're  steaming  full 
power  ahead  against  the  storm  without  gaining  a  yard, 
but  v4^hout  losing  one  either." 

At  this  point  I  heard  Timothy  sigh  into  my  ear,  "Amen". 

The  captain  went  out  again  and  we  felt  a  little  more 
confident  after  his  little  speech  although  we  didn't  know, 
of  course,  whether  he  had  told  the  truth  or  not  in  order 
to  appease  us.  It  didn't  really  matter.  As  he  had  said,  we 
were  in  God's  hands,  and  I  made  sure  that  Timothy  stood 
close  by. 

"Are  you  still  seasick?"  I  whispered  to  him. 

"Mind  your  own  business,"  he  rebuked  me.  I  guessed, 
he  was  ashamed  of  himself. 

We  remained  seated  in  the  diningroom  for  endless  hours. 
No  one  conversed  with  the  other.  We  just  sat,  holding  on 
to  the  tables  and  our  briefcases.  In  the  small  hours  of  the 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   ttl 


-  318  - 


rooming  the  storm  abated  somewhat.  Heavy  rains  were  still 
pouring  down,  but  the  waves  grew  smaller  and  didn't  any 
longer  smash  over  the  big  ship,  but  Just  rolled  on  the 
gangways  outside.  The  pumps  never  stopped  working  faith- 
fully. Gradually  the  ship  steadied  herself  in  the  still 
churning  waters.  We  had  the  feeling  as  if  we  were  steam* 
ing  ahead  now.  The  chief  steward  made  an  appearance,  ad= 
vising  us  that  the  worst  was  over  and  we  could  undo  our 
life  belts.  Somehow  the  cooks  had  managed  to  brew  coffee 
and  prepare  sandwiches.  It  seemed  impossible  that  we  were 
able  to  eat  and  drink,  but  we  did.  After  all,  we  were 
among  the  living  again.  The  danger  had  passed,  and  Ti=* 
mothy  had  the  nerve  to  tell  me  that  he  and  his  comrades 
had  sent  some  direct  communication  to  their  superiors  on 
our  behalf.  It  had  been  they  who  had  saved  the  ship.  I 
found  it  beneath  my  contempt  to  give  him  an  answer.  I 
knew  he  had  no  direct  pipeline  to  God. 

The  winds  died  down  and  the  Gneisenau  with  her  pumps 
working  was  actually  steaming  toward  the  small  channel  which 

led  to  Hong  Kong  Harbor.  The  sky  was  still  grey  and  a  misty 

less/ 
rain  filled  the  air.  The  water,  though,  was/flBfl  agitated. 

However,  as  the  weather  cleared,  the  heat  and  humidity  re» 

turned  worse  than  before.  Despite  the  loss  of  sleep,  we  were 

still  too  much  keyed  up  to  go  down  and  rest.  The  scenes  of 

destruction  we  passed  were  often  beyond  belief.  The  power 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  319  - 


^ 


of  nature,  or  the  wrath  of  God  if  you  like  to  call  It  that, 
was  demonstrated  to  us.  While  we  had  forgotten  to  be  fright- 
ened during  the  storm,  we  were  shaken  by  the  sights  we  saw. 
A  big  freighter,  perhaps  the  one  which  had  rammed  us,  had 
been  driven  onto  the  rocky  shores  and  now  was  slowly  glid- 
ing back,  sinking  helplessly  beneath  the  water.  She  was 
damaged  beyond  repair,  and  the  crew  had  abandoned  her.  We 
passed  the  beautiful,  white  Italian  passenger  liner,  the 
Conte  Verdi.  She  had  run  aground  on  a  shoal  below  the 
water  line.  Although  she  listed  slightly  to  starboard, 
she  didn't  seem  to  be  in  immediate  danger.  Later  in  the 
day  tugboats  succeeded  inpulling  her  out  and  tow  her  back 
to  Hong  Kong.  As  we  slowly  sailed  through  the  narrow  channel 
and  from  there  into  Hong  Kong  harbor  the  picture  of  de- 
struction grew  more  and  more  awesome.  The  Asama  Maru  was 
sort  of  hanging  between  rocks  near  the  shore  of  an  island. 
The  anchor  chains  of  the  Van  Heuszten  had  snapped  as  if 
they  had  been  made  of  thin  rope.  The  ship  had  careened 
all  over  the  harbor  toward  the  west-end  where  she  finally 
was  heaved  ashore  up  the  hilly  side  of  Green  Island.  A 
Chinese  freighter,  the  "Eng  Lee"^  was  lying  high  and  dry 
ashore  the  waterfront  of  Hong  Kong.  The  British  India  boat 
"Tilawa"  was  aground  off  Devil's  Peak.  Another  Chinese 
freighter  was  edged  into  a  pier  like  a  knife  into  a  loaf 
of  bread.  Only  the  German  naval  vessel  "The  Duisburg"  was 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    iti 


-  320  - 


apparently  unharmed  and  afloat  In  the  middle  of  the 
harbor. 

Hong  Kong  was  a  shambles  of  mud  and  debris.  We  made 
fast  at  the  same  pier  as  the  day  before  and  were  informed 
that  we  would  have  to  stay  In  Hong  Kong  until  the  hole 
in  the  portside  aft  had  been  repaired,  meaning  at  least 
another  four  or  five  days.  Being  housed  and  fed  aboard, 
we  didn' t  mind. 

After  all  these  years  I  still  have  preserved  the 
evening  paper  of  that  day,  the  "Hong  Kong  Daily  News", 
which  under  a  large  lettered  headline:  "TRAIN  OF  DEATH 
AND  DiSOLATION"  reported:  "Hong  Kong's  million  inhabitants 
entered  upon  a  terrifying  experience  the  like  of  which  has 
rarely  been  witnessed  anywhere  in  the  world.  So  great  was 
the  velocity  of  the  wind  that  even  the  instruments  of  the 
Observatory  gave  up  the  count  when  the  125  miles  per  hour 
record  had  been  reached  and  passed.  Death  and  destruction 
followed  in  the  train  of  the  typhoon.  Mighty  ships  were 
piled  up  along  the  foreshore.  How  many  of  Hong  Kong's 
literally  floating  population  have  perished  in  the  storm 
is  not,  and  probably  never  will  be,  known." 

This  had  been  our  first  typhoon.  Several  months  later 
I  was  almost  killed  by  our  secbnd  one. 


Hong  Kong  as  well  as  Kowloon  was  then  as 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  321  - 


I 


it  is  more  so  now  the  center  of  international  intrigue 
and  a  haven  for  spies,  none  of  whom  to  my  regret  we  met 
personally.  Whenever  we  now  see  Hong  Kong  on  the  TV  screen, 
we  are  reminded  of  the  unbearable,  humid  heat  and  the  many 
strange  smells,  strange  at  least  to  our  Western  noses. 
Screen  pictures  are  deceiving  because  they  convey  only 
what  your  eyes  can  see  and  your  ears  can  hear.  There  is 
much  more  to  the  Orient.  Even  guided  tours  don't  make  it 
possible^for  you  to  comprehend  the  chasm  between  abject 
poverty  of  the  masses  and  the  extreme  wealth  of  the  few. 
We  play  war  games  at  the  cost  of  billions  of  dollars,  we 
conquer  outer  space  and  the  moon  at  the  cost  of  more 
billions  of  dollars  -  and  when  I  say  we  I  don't  mean 
only  these  United  States,  but  also  Russia  and  Red  China  - 
but  when  it  comes  to  feeding  the  hungry  in  the  world  we 
fail.  We  are  made  to  believe  that  we  cannot  afford  it. 
We  send  help  in  cases  of  natural  catastrophes,  but  we 
never  make  an  all-out,  controlled  attempt  to  feed,  house 
and  educate  a^   the  poor  in  all  the  world  all  the  time. 
Our  compassion  is  only  sporadic  and  haphazard  and  if  an 
organization  like  Unicef  also  tries  to  donate  food  to 
starving  children  in  Communist  countries  we  object,  for=« 
getting  that  all  children  are  innocent  of  the  sins  of 
their  fathers.  Forgive  me,  but  I  cannot  help  wondering 
sometimes  what  kind  of  "superior"  animals  we  human  beings 


are. 


-.♦^ 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  322  - 


We  did  some  more  sightseeing,  but  without  money  it 
wasn't  much  fun.  and  we  were  only  too  glad  when  the  time 
of  departure  came.  Hong  Kong  might  be  an  interesting,  al=* 
though  as  far  as  the  Far  East  is  concerned  not  very  fascin=» 
ating  place  to  visit  for  a  few  days,  but  it  certainly  did 
not  raise  any  desire  in  us  to  stay  there  for  any  length 
of  time.  In  comparison  to  Shanghai,  when  she  still  was 
Shanghai,  Hong  Kong  was  as  dull  as  most  British  colonies 
so  often  are.  Wherever  the  English  go  and  take  possession 
they  bring  along  a  certain  hypocritical  puritanism  and 
class  conscience  which  affords  comfort  only  to  them,  but 
not  to  the  natives  or  anyone  else.  We  wouldn't  have  cared 
to  live  there,  but  to  be  frank  we  neither  cared  much  to 
live  in  Manila  although  it  was  a  paradise  in  comparison 
to  many  other  cities  in  the  Orient. 

The  journey  from  Hong  Kong  to  Manila  was  uneventful. 
No  stonns,  not  even  inclement  weather  of  any  kind.  Of 
course,  Annie  and  I  couldn't  shed  our  apprehension  whether 
or  not  the  Germans  would  let  us  land  in  Manila.  It  seemed 
almost  incomprehensible  that  the  Gestapo  agent  on  board  - 
and  there  was  one  although  we  didn't  know  his  identity  - 
would  not  seize  the  opportunity  to  abduct  me  at  least, 
having  been  publicly  denounced  as  an  enemy  of  the  state. 
I  never  had  been  or  even  was  then  an  enemy  of  Germany, 


only  an  enemy  of  the  Nazis  whom  I  did  not  then  and  do 
not  now  consider  Germans.  Gangsters  have  no  nationality. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  323  - 


t 


n 


For  many  years  prior  tof the  Nazi-regime  and  even 
after  that  event  I  never  had^raade  a  secret  about  my 
convictions.  I  had  been  a  front-soldier  in  the  firsuworld 
war.  Germany  had  been  the  home  of  my  family  for  close  to 
five  hundred  years.  So  I  had  a  right  to  speak  my  mind.  In 
my  weekly  newspaper  column  as  well  as  in  many  articles 
and  speeches  I  had  advertised  my  opposition  to  Nazism 
as  well  as  to  Communism  which  then  as  now  I  considered 
and  consider  evil  to  the  same  degree.  I  neither  had  been 
complacent  nor  apathetic  like  the  majority  of  German  Jews. 
Annie  and  I  had  been  lucky  to  escape  in  time,  and  it  would 
be  short  of  a  miracle  if  we  would  get  away  with  traveling 
on  a  German  ship  that  flew  the  swastika  flag. 

During  the  days  between  Hong  Kong  and  Manila  we  two 
discussed  ways  and  means  how  to  escape  in  case  either  I 
alone  or  we  both  would  be  detained  when  the  Gneisenau 
docked  in  Manila.  I'm  sure,  none  of  our  plans  would  have 
worked  unless  they  would  let  Annie  go  and  hold  only  me. 
Annie  would  have  alerted  the  Filipino  and  American  au- 
thorities although  it  was  doubtful  if  they  would  have 
intervened  since  I  wasy^stateless  person. 

Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itl  We  were  let 
ashore  as  we  had  been  promised.  We  had  been  -  as  we  were 
told  -  guests  of  the  German  Reich,  Nazis  or  not,  and  despite 


ou 


r  request  to  be  allowed  paying  for  the  trip  from  our 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  324  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    325    - 


blocked   bank  account    in   Germany,    the  voyage   was    free   of 
charge.    Whoever  will    be   able    to   understand    the   hum«in  mind 
-    even    the  minds    of  organized   criminals? 

Well,    nothing   happened   between  Hong   Kong   and  Manila 
until    the  very  moment  we    set    foot   on   the    famous    Pier   Five 
in   Manila. 


CHAPTER   SKVEN 


MANILA   AND    ILOILO^P.l 


Friedrich  von   Schlegel,   writer, 
philosopher,    founder   and   editor   of   the    influential    German 
periodical    "Athenaeum"    at    the    turn  of    the    18th   century, 
wrote:    "Der  Historiker    ist   ein   rueckwaerts    gekehrter 
Prophet".    -    The   historian    is    a  prophet    looking   backwards. 

Although    I'm  anything  but   a   historian,    1   now  realize 
that    I    am   evaluating   all    past   events   with    some    sort    of 
clairvoyance    in    reverse.    At    the    time   when    any   of  these 
events    happened    I  was   not  consciously    observant   of  my 
inner    thoughts,    but    they    tucked    themselves    away    in   a 
corner   of  my  brain    and    emerge  when   1    try    to  dig   them  out, 
in  order   to  organize   them   into  written  words. 

As    I    said,    we    Jewish   refugees   on    the    Gneisenau   had 
been    all    apprehensive  whether  or   not   we  would   be   let 
ashore    in  Manila.    We   also  wondered  how  we   would  be   wcl=« 
corned.    As   Nina   Feodrova  wrote    in   her   book   "The   Children", 
"Whatever   people   say,    no   country    is   very    eager   to  welcome 
refugees."    In    fact,    most   countries   are   less   eager   to  receive 
Jewish   refugees,    for  anti-Semitism   is   a  world-wide   disease. 
There    is   nothing  more  diabolical    than   anti-Semitism,    or 
for   that  matter  any    form  of   race   prejudice.   There    is 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  326  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  327  - 


nothing  so  utterly  and  finally  hostile  to  the  spirit  of 
Jesus  Christ  than  an  anti-Semite.  If  a  Christian  is  anti- 
Semitic  he  denies  Christianity,  for  without  Judaism  Chris= 
tianity  would  and  could  not  have  come  into  existence  and 
without  the  Jewish  carpenter  Yeshua  of  Nazareth  Saul  of 
Tarsus  could  not  have  traveled  abroad  to  convert  the 
Gentiles  to  the  teachings  of  this  Jesus,  who  was  the  son 
of  God  as  we  all  are  children  of  God.  A  Christian  anti- 
Semite  is  a  defiler  of  Christianity,  and  yet  through  the 
two  milleniums  the  followers  of  the  devout  Jew  Jesus  and 

ff 

h^  Jewish  apostles  have  never  ceased  to  defame  the  Jews 
and  on  many  occasions  have  killed  them  with  a  lust  for 


blood,  unequal  in  the  annals  of  crime.  But  all  the 


enemies 


of  the  Jews,  the  known  and  unknown  ones,  have  learned  what 


Franz  Hoellering  wrote  in  his  book  "The  Defenders":  ' 


We 


Jews  have  a  surer  method  of  getting  even  with  our  enemies; 
we  simply  survive  them." 

Yes,  we  survived  them  all.  We  have  survived  the  Nazi 
mass-murderers  of  the  Jews  and  so  will  the  nation  of  Israel 
survive  despite  all  the  irrational  hatred  by  their  Arab 
neighbors.  At  the  outset  of  the  Communist  regime  in  Russia 
many  of  us  did  hope  that  at  last  there  would  be  one  new 
nation,  free  of  prejudices.  We  erred  grossly.  Prejudice, 
that  is  anti-Semitism  as  well  as  racism  against  the  black 
people, is  more  rampant  in  present-day  Russia  and  other 


Communist  countries  as  for  instance  Poland  than  anywhere 
else  in  the  world. 

A.M.  Rosenthal  and  Arthur  Gelb  in  their  book  "One  More 
Victim"  tell  an  anecdote  which  better  than  any  other  words 
explain  the  basic  veracity  of  Jewish  philosophy.  "What  is 
the  Torah,  a  pagan  demanded  of  the  sage  Hillel  and  challenged 
him  to  tell  him  its  essence  in  the  short  time  the  pagan 
could  hold  out  standing  on  one  foot.  Hillel  said,  'What 
is  hateful  to  you,  do  not  do  to  your  neighbor.  This  is 
the  entire  Torah,  consisting  of  sixty-three  volumes  includ- 


ing the  Talmud.  The  rest  is  commentary  thereon 


And  that,  too,  is  the  essence  of  Christianity.  Love 
thy  neighbor.  But  do  we? 

I  remember  that  I  was  thinking  of  the  curse  of  anti- 
Semitism  as  we  were  landed  in  Manila  although  there  was  no 
special  reason  for  it,  or  perhaps  no  other  but  that  we  had 
been  traveling  on  a  ship  of  a  government  which  had  dedicated 
itself  to  the  destruction  of  the  Jews.  I  was  not  consciously 
aware  of  these  thoughts  although  I  won't  ever  forget  how 
deeply  we  breathed  in  relief  as  we  walked  down  the  gang- 
plank and  stepped  on  Pier  Five  in  Manila.  With  the  ex- 
ception of  the  two  of  us  all  other  non-American  e\^icuees 
had  only  been  granted  temporary  visas  for  the  Phillipine 
Islands  by  the  American  Consulate  General  in  Shanghai. 
They  were  all  supposed  and  expected  to  return  to  Shanghai 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  it  I      -  328  - 


whenever  conditions  were  norraal  again  there.  Neither  Annie 
nor  I  -  for  reasons  I'll  explain  later  -  had  to  worry  about 
it.  Besides,  we  had  learned  the  hard  way  to  live  for  one  day 
only  and  let  the  next  take  care  of  itself.  In  short,  we  had 
recognized  the  futility  of  worrying  about  anything.  My 
mother  had  been  a  professional  worrier.  She  worried  most 
when  she  had  nothing  to  worry  about.  The  way  she  figured 
it,  there  must  be  something  wrong  somewhere  if  life  didn't 
put  any  obstacles  in  her  way. 

Everything  went  all  right  at  our  arrival  in  Manila. 
We  weren't  retained  on  the  Gneisenau  and  were  welcomed 
by  a  Jewish  Relief  Committee.  Everything  went  all  right 
except  for  one  thing.  Mother  Nature  stole  the  scene  again. 
The  very  second  we  set  foot  on  land  the  ground  under  us 
began  to  heave,  to  buckle  and  make  like  unruly  waves  on 
sea.  We  experienced  our  first  earthquake.  Thus  we  entered 
Manila  in  dramatic  fashion  -  from  the  war  in  Shanghai 
through  the  typhoon  in  Hong  Kong  to  t^e  earthquake  in 
Manila.  We  still  had  the  sway  of  ^he  ocean  in  us  and 
now  the  swaying  on  land  was  added  to  it.  We  didn't  know 
whether  we  were  coming  or  going.  The  few  seconds  this 
earthquake  lasted  seemed  to  be  like  many  minutes.  Look- 
ing  toward  the  city  we  saw  the  wall  of  a  high-rise  building 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  329  - 


^a^ 
Wl 


crack  from  top  to  bottom.  For  a  moment  we  wondered  if  the 
pier  would  be  torn  apart  and  we  would  be  sucked  into  the 
water.  We  had  survived  the  war  in  Shanghai,  the  typhoon 
in  Hong  Kong,  but  for  a  few  scary  seconds  we  weren't  so 
sure  about  the  earthquake.  Mother  Nature  is  very  fickle 
and  somehow  she  didn't  stop  showing  off  for  us.  War, 
typhoon,  earhquake  -  what  would  be  next?  And  while  the 
ground  trembled  and  buckled  under  us  I  held  on  to  Annie 
and  Timothy  held  onto  me.  "What  is  it?"  Annie  asked,  dumb- 
founded.  She  read  the  full  answer  in  the  evening  newspapers 
which  claimed  that  this  one  had  been  Manila's  worst  earth- 
quake. We  could  have  well  done  without  it. 

There  were  reporters  and  press  photographers  on  the 
pier  because  like  in  Kobe  we  were  the  first  Shanghai 
evacuees.  We  were  news,  but  the  interference  by  the 
earthquake  put  us  on  page  four.  A  picture  of  mine  landed 
in  the  Manila  Herald  with  the  caption  that  I  had  been  the 
well-known  manager  of  the  famous  Casanova  Ballroom  in 
Shanghai.  It  was  good  advertisement  which  led  me  to  a 
job  in  Manila.  With  my  picture  three  others  appeared  on 
the  same  page.  One  was  of  "Cohn  Corell",  noted  German 
accordion  player,  the  same  one  who  had  played  sad  melodies 
on  the  rickety  launch  which  took  us  to  the  Gneisenau.  Then 
there  was  one  of  Andre  Shelaff,  Russian  welter-weight 

r 

boxer,  who  was  going  to  win  the  Philippine  cham^onship 
and  later  went  to  America,  there  to  be  killed  in  his 


Please »   don't  worry  I   Nothing  came  of    It  I 


-  330  - 


first  fight.  The  fourth  picture  was  that  of  Shelaff's 
trainer  anj  manager,  H.  Sellg,  whom  we  once  again  met 
In  California.  What  happened  to  hlra  after  Shelaff's 
untimely  death  we  never  learned. 

However,  unlike  our  arrival  In  Shanghai,  there  was  a 
Jewish  Reception  Coiiinlttee  to  greet  us  and  take  care  of 
us  because  none  of  us  had  any  means  to  pay  even  for  a 
single  meal,  leave  alone  lodging.  There  was  one  couple, 
though,  with  plenty  of  means,  but  they  neither  did  nor 
could  reveal  It  then.  We  certainly  were  received  by  hlgh- 
falutlng  speeches  and  very  klnd-soundlng  words  and  finally 
were  taken  to  Hellmann's  Boardlnghouse  for  temporary 
shelter.  Very  temporary,  Indeed. 


Although  -  as  1  have  repeatedly  mentioned  - 
this  book  Is  not  meant  to  be  a  tourist  guide  In  any  form, 
way  or  Intention  whatsoever,  1  cannot  help  myself  but  quote 
from  "The  Encyclopedia  of  World  Travel"  (published  in  1961 
by  Doubleday  and  Company)  for  the  sole  purpose  of  giving 
you  a  general  Idea  about  Manila.  However,  like  aJ2y  tourist 
guide-book  it  doesn't  convey  the  real  atmosphere  and  way 
of  life  of  any  place  on  the  globe.  Sometimes,  though,  it 
Is  far  better  to  read  a  guide-book  than  participating  In 
a  guided  tour.  It  Is  much  less  strenuous.  Neither  one 
leaves  you  with  the  right  Impressions  and  you  may  not 


Please,  don't  worry'.  Nothing  came  of  It  I         -  331- 


remember  where  was  what  and  what  was  which. 

"Manila,"  so  It  stands  written  In  this  book,  "combines 

much  of  the  best  of  Spain  and  America." 

at  the  time/ 
That  may  be  so,  but/MHI  we  were  there*  we  would  have 


said  that  it 


combined  the  worst  of  Spain  and  ATJwrica. 


"The  wide,  green  boulevard  following  the  gorgeous  curve 
of  Manila  Bay,''  so  it  also  stands  written  in  this  book, 
"once  named  Admiral  Dewey  Boulevard,  now  is  known  as 
Roxas  Boulevard.  Manila  is  located  at  the  west  coast  of 
Luzon,  the  major  Island  of  the  Philippine  chain  and  faces 
out  on  Manila  Bay,  one  of  the  largest  harbors  in  the  world. 
Manila  Is  sprawling  on  both  sides  of  the  Pasig  River.  Modem 
Manila  is  a  traveler's  dream." 

Again  I  have  no  choice  but  to  say  that  it  may  be  so, 
although  to  us  Manila  was  anything  but  a  dream.  Just  the 
opposite.  It  was  close  to  a  nightmare  for  the  sixteen 
months  we  had  to  live  there  -  if  only  for  the  hellish 
tropical  climate  of  which  not  a  word  is  being  mentioned 
In  the  encyclopedia.  There  was  for  us  only  one  day  we 
cherished  In  Manila  and  that  was  the  day  of  our  departure. 
We  have  no  hard  feelings  against  Manila,  but  we  wouldn't 
like  to  see  it  ever  again.  The  Filipino  expression  of 
greeting  is  "Mabuhay"  -  Long  Life.  From  as  far  a  distance 
away  as  we  are  now.  we  do  wish  Manila  and  the  Philippine 

Islands  a  happy  Mabuhay  -  a  long  life  without  us. 


Please,    don't  worry!   Nothing  came  of   iti 


-  332  - 


f 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-   333  - 


^Janlla  without   a  doubt   can   be  called   a  red-hot  mamma. 
With    the    exception   of   perhaps  Calcutta  no   climate   could  be 
worse.    She  used   to  be   a   city  walled   out   Instead  of   walled 
in.    Tourists   nowadays   are  deprived,    so  we   heard,    of  visit- 
ing   the   old  and  most  beautiful   part   of  Manila,    the   walled- 
in  center   "Intramuras" .    It  was  burned   out   during   the   last 
war.    Luckily  Manila  Bay   and    the   gorgeous    sunsets  with   the 
backdrop    of  B^aan   Peninsula  were   immune    to   the   ravages 
of  war. 

The    climate   In  Manila   is    so   humid  and   unbearably  hot 

all   year   around  that  one  had   to  change   the   tropical,  white 

cotton  suits    six   times    a  day    together  with  one's  underwear. 

after/ 

The  very  moment/«i   having  changed    Into  a   dry   suit   and    dry 
underwear   one   was    already  drenched  again  with    sweat.    Nothing 
is  mentioned   about    that    In   the   tourist  guide  books    and 
nothing  about    the  many   churches   and   the  many  snakes.   Manila 
is   like  a    trombone   which  never  had  been  tuned    right.    Crime 
was   rampant  while  we  were   there.    In   fact,    no  one   In   his 
right   ralnd   ever   dared   to  walk   alone   and  unarmed   In    the 
streets  after  darkness   set    In.    Of  course,    nowadays    It 
is   a    feature  of  almost   all  major   cities   In    the    world. 
As  kidnaping  was  a   sport    in  Shanghai,    so  purse    snatching 


was  a   game    for   children    In  Manila.    After   the  first 


kids    could    run    faster   than   Olympic   champions.    Once    they 
had  captured    a   purse,    It  was    Impossible    to   catch   up   with 


un' 


successful    attempt   by  an   urchin   to  wrestle   Annie's    hand- 


them. 

The  guide  books  don't  mention  another  feature  and 
that  Is  prickly  heat.  No  one,  foreigner  and  native  alike, 
ever  can  escape  this  most  unpleasant  skin  rash.  The  natives 
believed  -  and  I  think  rightly  so  -  that  rain  water  had  a 
healing  quality  for  prickly  heat.  Many  a  time  we  saw  § 
whole  families,  naked  as  they  were  born,  run  out  Into 
the  street  when  it  rained  to  get  all  the  benefit 

iBBB  flliof  the  unpolluted  water. 

Tourists  nowadays,  I  guess,  don't  have  to  worry  any* 
more  about  to  be  hit  by  a  falling  coconut  on  Dewey  or,  as 
It  Is  called  now,  Roxas  Boulevard.  During  the  war  the  Japan' 

ese  used  the  wide,  beautiful  Dewey  Boulevard  as  an  airstrip 

razed/ 
and  just/BHmB  ^^^  ^^^  coconut  palm  trees  which  lined 

the  curb  like  Immovable  soldiers  on  guard.  While  we  were 
there,  we  always  were  cautious  not  to  be  bombed  by  a  fall- 
ing coconut.  It  could  knock  you  out  or  at  least  leave  you 
with  a  painful  lump  on  the  head. 

It  Is  a  great  pity  that  the  tourist  guide  books  don't 
describe  the  most  beautiful  sight  In  Manila,  perhaps  one 
of  the  most  beautiful  sights  In  all  the  world,  the  dally 
sunset  which  lasts  for  ten  minutes  from  six  to  ten  past 


bag  from  her,  she  learned  to  beware  all  the  time.  The 


se 


six  each  afternoon.  Within  these  few  minutes  day  changes 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-   334   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  335  • 


into  dark  night.  Generally  during  these  ten  minutes  a 
refreshingly  cool  breeze  blew  and  surely  still  does  over 

the  boulevard,  the  only  breeze  one  could  expect  and  of 

hour/ 
course  still  can  expect  in  the  twenty- four /period  of  the 

day.  These  ten  minutes  as  the  sun  set  over  Manila  Bay  and 

across  from  It  the  Bataan  Peninsula,  which  turned  Into  a 

black  silhouette  as  the  sun  rays  disappeared  and  the 

moon  rose,  were  forever  a  thrill  and  never  lost  an  awed 

><<-  of/ 
feeing /wonder  about  this  magnificent  spectacle,  nature 

produced  with  unfailing  regularity  -  unless  it  was  rain* 

ing  or  one  of  the  frequent  typhoons  was  hitting  the  Island. 

During  these  ten  minutes  the  sky  exhibited  all  the  colors 

and  color-shade  combinations  one  could  imagine  -  from  deep 

blue  to  pastel  green  to  purple  and  violet  and  red  and  pink 

and  finally  Into  a  spectrum  of  all  these  color  hues  until 

It  was  dark  all  of  a  sudden.  Soon  little,  phosphorus  lights 

like  fireflies  were  dancing  on  the  water  surface. 


The  Jewish  Relief  Committee  had  collected 
some  twelve  thousand  pesos  (or  six  thousand  American 
dollars)  for  helping  us  over  the  first  few  days.  When 
this  small  amount  of  money  was  spent  we  were  on  our  own. 
The  Idea  was  that  the  thirty  to  forty  Jewish  couples  had  to 
go  back  to  Shanghai  anyway  whenever  the  hostilities  there 
ceased.  Somehow  contr^y  to  my  inspirations  I  became  a  kind 


of  ambassador  for  the  Shanghai  Jewish  refugees.  It  was 
no  official  position.  I  just  slid  Into  It.  All  communi- 
cations from  Shanghai  were  sent  to  me,  mostly  cablegrams, 
all  of  which  clearly  Insinuated  that  we  weren't  wanted 
back  In  Shanghai  while  the  Manila  Jewish  Community  did 
not  want  us  to  stay  for  any  length  of  time.  We  were,  so 
to  speak,  sitting  between  two  chairs  without  being  Invited 
to  occupy  one.  To  give  an  example,  one  of  the  Shanghai 
telegrams  read:  "Strongly  discourage  evacuees  returning 
Shanghai  now.  Life  danger  still  existent.  Earning  possl» 
bllitles  hopeless.  Inform  Manila  Society  Aid  funds." 

That  was  all  good  and  right,  but  the  earning  possi- 
bilities In  Manila  were  also  almost  non-existent.  l-Zhat 
do  we  say?  Peace  on  earth,  good  will  toward  men.  Paz  en 
la  tierra,  buena  voluntad  hacla  los  hombres.  Are  these 
words  In  whatever  language  empty  of  true  meaning?  It  seems 


so,  for  men  speak  with  false  tongues,  or  there  would  be 


no 


wars  and  so  little  good  will  toward  men.  What  Is  the  matter 
with  humanity  that  It  hasn't  grown  up  -to   maturity?  We  always 
destro>fwhat  we  have  built.  Why? 

When  I  was  lying  once  In  a  Los  Angeles  hospital  many 
years  later,  there  was  an  old  senile  man  who  had  forgotten 
all  the  words  of  our  language  but  four  which  he  used  as  the 
only  means  of  communication.  "Son-of-a-bltch,"  he  said.  "Son- 
of-a-bltch"  and  nothing  else.  How  pitifully  primitive  we 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    336   - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-  337  - 


human  beings  are  when  our  minds  have  deteriorated.  "Son- 
of-a-bltch"  for  "Thank  you"  and  for  "Please"  and  for  what' 
ever  he  wanted.  And  this  poor  "Son-of-a-bitch"  seemed  to 
be  very  happy.  He  always  smiled  at  anyone  who  helped  him 
or  talked  to  him. 


In  Manila  our  determination  to  immigrate  to 
America  jelled  to  a  point  where  it  became  a  fixed  idea.  The 
basic  question,  though. was,  how  could  we  achieve  it?  All  we 
knew  was  that  we  simply  had  to.flHHBM^  The  United 
States  of  America  appeared  to  us  like  a  mirage  on  the 
horizon  to  which  we  were  drawn  like  thirsty  desert  travelers 
to  the  mirage  of  an  oasis.  Our  principal  fear  was  whether 
or  not  we  would  make  it  before  it  was  too  late.  Native 
Americans  don't  know  how  difficult  it  is  to  immigrate  to 
their  country.  There  are  many  barriers  to  surmount.  I  had 
little  doubt  that  one  day  in  the  near  future  the  Japanese 
would  attack  and  conquer  the  Philippine  Islands  which  to 
them  would  be  the  central  base  from  where  to  conquer  all 
of  East  Asia.  We  had  no  desire  to  be  caught  in  this  holo= 
caust  when  it  would  come  to  pass.  We  had  had  a  taste  of  it 
in  Shanghai  and  that  had  been  sufficient. 

It  became  an  obsession  with  us  that  Manila  was  definitely 
not  the  place  to  stay  for  any  length  of  time.  It  didn't  offer 


probably  was  our  fault  that  we  did  not  grow  as  fond  of 
the  Filipinos  as  we  did  of  the  Chinese.  The  climate  In 
Shanghai  had  little  to  be  recommended.  The  climate  in 
Manila  had  nothing  to  recommend.  It  was  and  naturally 
still  is  absurd  all  year  around.  Although  we  could  gener- 
ally get  along  with  our  newly  acquired  English,  we  were 
handicapped  nonetheless  by  not  speaking  Spanish,  not  to 
mention  Tagalog,  the  principal  native  language.  Allegedly 

the  Philippines  consist  of  a  thousand  islands.  Whoever 

are/ 
counted  them  may  well  be  right.  There/KBxe  certainly 

more  dialects  than  ants  in  a  sugar  bowl.  To  name  only 
the  few  I  heard  about  beside  Tagalog,  there  is  the  Boco« 
lano,  the  Cebuano,  the  Ibang  and  Moro-Sulu  dialects.  This 
scramble  of  dialects  came  really  home  to  me  when  I  had 
to  travel  with  a  Filipino  interpreter  from  Manila  to 
Iloilo. 

Despite  our  unflagging  ambition  to  go  to  America,  we 
did  not  engage  in  irrational  expectations.  We  knew  that 
the  streets  in  America  weren't  gold-plated.  We  knew  that 
we  wouldn't  be  welcomed  like  long  lost  friends.  We  knew 
that  we  would  have  to  work  hard  there  for  our  livelihood 
and  maybe  harder.  But  to  us  America  was  the  land  of  the 

free  and  of  the  brave  where  we  could  stake  out  a  claim 

we/ 
for  life.  There  and  only  there  would/be  granted  the  op- 


us the  kind  of  acceptable  refuge  like  Shanghai.  Thus  It 


portunlty  to  rise  above  ourselves.  If  we  didn't^it  would 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing   came  of  Itl 


-  338  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  339  - 


be  nobody's  fault  but  our  own. 

While  we  were  in  Shanghai  -  and  despite  our  apparent 
chances  to  prosper  there  -  I  had  written  a  letter  to  Presi- 
dent Roosevelt,  appealing  to  him  for  aid  in  our  desire  to 
be  granted  immigration  visas.  A  day  prior  to  the  Japanese 
Invasion  the  American  Consul  General  wrote  to  me:  "Your 
letter,  addressed  to  the  President  of  the  United  States, 
relative  to  your  desire  to  proceed  to  the  United  States 
with  your  wife  for  residence  has  been  referred  to  this 
office  for  reply.  Please,  call  at  the  Passport  office  of 
this  Consulate  General  at  your  convenience  in  order  that 
appropriate  considerations  may  be  given  your  inquiry." 

I  never  learned  how  much  cons^<ierations  might  have 
been  given  my  inquiry,  for  when  I  called  at  the  rassport 
Department  the  war  had  already  broken  out.  There  was,  of 
course,  much  confusion  since  all  Anierican  women  and  children 
had  to  be  evacuated  from  Shanghai.  Notwithstanding,  when 
1  presented  the  letter  at  this  office  of  the  Consulate 

we  were  treated  with  the  utmost  courtesy  and  instead  of 

two  alone/ 
t  temporary  vis,-\^we/ were  granted  ■  permanent  onc4  for  the 

Philippine  Islands  which  were  under  the  mandate  of  the 

United  States  €it  that  time.  That  was  the  first  step  toward 

our  final  goal.  The  second  step  I  took  a  year  later  in 

Manila. 


Annie  had  come  through  aU  c^"-'  dangers, 
the  vicissitudes  and  hardships  like  a  real  trooper.  When 
the  bombs  fell  on  Shanghai,  when  the  anti-aircraft  bullets 
and  artillery  shells  rained  from  the  sky,  she  kept  at  my 
side  like  a  clinging  vine.  If  we  had  to  die,  she  maintained, 
it  was  better  that  we  died  together  and  at  the  same  time, 
we  belonged  to  each  other  in  life  and  in  death.  That  was 
and  still  is  the  theme  of  our  married  life. 

The  typhoon,  the  earthquake  and  whatever  else  happened 
to  us,  she  bore  without  «■  a  whimper,  including  the  loss 
of  our  home,  belongings  and  careers.  It  is  not  in  her 
character  to  wear  her  emotions  on  the  outside.  She  had 
the  steadfastness  and  hardiness  the  pioneer  women  had 
displayed  in  their  long  treks  all  across  the  big  country 
that  was  and  is  America.  At  no  time  was  she  a  burden.  On 
the  contrary,  she  was  an  asset,  worth  her  weight  in  gold. 
Our  love  for  each  other  has  always  remained  unassailable 
I  cannot  tell  how  other  people  see  her.  but  to  me  she  is 


__^  a  man  can  have  the 

the  most  Wdl'wonaeriui  wunutu  ,— : 

,    rrr^it      she  is  an  innocent.  She  cannot 
fortune  to  havej  AL  Ucarc,  sue 

tell  a  lie  (although  she  fibs  about  her  age  and  probably 
„ai  do  so  until  the  day  she  dies),  and  she  feels  person^ 
ally  insulted  by  injustice,  even  if  it  doesn't  concern  her 
She  has  intelligence,  she  has  con^on  sense  (much  more  so 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   It  I 


-  340  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it: 


-  341  - 


than  I  because  1  easily  fly  off  the  handle  and  am  by 
nature  quite  impatient),  and  she  has  an  enviable  en- 
durance to  accept  without  complaint  the  physical  ailments 
and  handicaps  which  beset  us  as  age  creeps  up  on  us.  God 
has  been  very  good  to  us  by  bringing  us  together.  Despite 
all  hardships  our  marriage  has  always  been  sheer  bliss. 

However,  during  the  first  years  of  our  exile  and 
until  we  became  American  citizens  I  did  not  realize  how 
much  she  really  suffered.  Never  outwardly  losing  her  even 
temper,  she  locked  her  emotions  up  like  valuables  in  a 
safety  deposit  box  from  where  she  did  not  let  them  escape 


unless  she  willed  so.  As  it  was,  she  never  did. 

Not  then  and  not  later  when  more  hardship  befell  us. 


But  even  a  locked  box  will  eventually  crack  open  when 

it  is  being  filled  to  more  than  its  capacity.  If  she  only 


had  let  BHf  go  of  her  emotions  and  frustrations  once  in  a 
while  by  a  good  cry  or  an  outburst  of  any  kind,  she  would 
have  been  better  of.  She  could  not  and  would  not  open  the 
safety  valve  which  any  engine  needs  to  function  properly. 
I  was  different.  I  could  show  my  anger,  my  frustrations 
and  my  scorn.  I  could  let  go  with  an  explosive  temper 
tantram  and  then  felt  so  much  better  for  it  afterwards. 
But  not  Annie.  She  remained  silent  and  even-tempered  on 
the  outside.  If  she  had  not  bottled  up  her  feelings,  she 
would  not  have  ended  up  with  a  malignant  high  blood  pressure 


which  caused  and  still  causes  her  much  suffering.  In  fact, 
together  with  arthritis  it  finally  incapacitates  her  to 


a  great  extent 


Today  I  am  not  so  sure  anymore  why  we  did 
not  like  Manila  as  much  as  Shanghai.  Perhaps  it  was  our 
dejection  for  having  to  start  all  over  again  without  know- 
ing where  to  begin.  We  weren't  as  green  anymore  as  when  we 
came  to  Shanghai,  but  we  were  as  poor  and  we  had  to  fight 
our  disappointment  that  all  our  efforts  and  hopes  in  Shang- 
hai had  come  to  naught.  We  had  fought  hard  to  acclimatize 
ourselves  in  Shanghai,  to  work  oui^^elves  into  positions 
which  gave  us  a  reasonable  outlook  on  a  good  future  liv- 
ing. We   had  made  new  friends  there  and  now  we  were  up= 

rooted  again. 

After  we  had  been  installed  at  Hellmann's  Boardings 
house  for  a  limited  timey  the  newly  formed  refugee  com- 
mittee seemed  to  stop  functioning.  None  of  its  members 
showed  any  interest  in  finding  work  for  us.  None  of  them 
ever  invited  anyone  of  us  into  their  homes  and  unlike  in 
Shanghai  we  were  not  induced  into  making  friends  among 
the  Jews  in  Manila.  We  had  a  feeling  that  we  were  regarded 
beneath  their  personal  attention. 

Although  we  had  gotten  used  to  the  ways  of  the  Far 
East.  Manila  was  not  Shanghai.  She  did  not  have  the  inter- 


Please,  don't  worry:  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  342  - 


our  eve 


national  flavor  and  adventurous  spirit  which  had  made  it 
possible  for  us  to  rise  to  positions  of  some  kind  of  pro- 
minence in  a  relatively  short  time.  Seemingly,  there  were 

no  or  very  few  jobs  available  for  us  in  Manila.  Again 

had/ 
we  were  without  funds.  We/nothing  to  wear,  not  counting 

but/ 
ning  outf its, /iBBI  what  we  had  worn  on  our  flight 

from  Shanghai,  that  was  one  suit  and  one  dress,  one  pair 
of  §3oes  each  and  some  underwear.  This  posed  quite  a 
calamity  in  Manila's  all  year  round  tropical,  humid  heat. 
One  had  to  have  at  least  a  change  of  wearing  apparel  sever- 
al  times  a  day.  Even  then  one  had  to  order  new  tropical 
outfits  each  month  since  Filipino  laundresses  ruined  them 
by  beating  the  wash  against  stones. 

The  first  night  in  Manila  I  had  another  serious  talk 
with  Timothy,  although  he  was  in  as  foul  a  mood  as  I  was. 
Bemoaning  as  usual  his  fate  of  having  been  assigned  to  me 
of  all  the  people  in  the  world,  he  also  bitterly  complained 
that  he  was  sick  and  tired  of  traveling  all  over  the  world 
under  circumstances  which  certainly  were  anything  but  ideal 
By  nature  he  liked  to  be  settled  in  one  place  and  stay 
there.  That  had  been  the  way  he  had  lived  and  that  was 
the  way  he  expected  me  to  live.  He  cared  a  hoot  of  earthly 
politics.  He  cared  a  hoot  about  how  I  felt.  That  all  was 
my  business  and  not  his,  and  he  would  ask  his  superior 
for  a  transfer,  although  he  knew  quite  well  that  transfers 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  343  - 


were  granted  only  on  rare  occasions.  He  considered  this 
a  rare  case  of  maltreatment  of  a  guardian  angel.  I  never 
found  out  about  this  transfer  request,  but  the  fact  is 
that  he  is  still  with  me. 

"I  wish  you  were  dead  already,"  he  told  me  that  first 
night  in  Manila.  "It's  not  so  bad  to  be  dead,"  he  added 
for  comfort. 

"Boy,  am  1  lucky  that  the  time  of  my  departure  is  not 
determined  by  you,"  was  my  rejoinder. 

"You  can  say  that  again."  He  sighed  and  then  con=» 
tinued  in  as  grim  a  tone  of  voice  as  a  guardian  angel 
could  possibly  produce,  "I'm  going  to  tell  you  a  secret 
although  I'm  not  supposed  to.  But  I'm  deeply  troubled 
about  the  length  of  time  I've  got  to  stick  it  out  with 
you.  Your  first  date  to  die  is  at  your  age  of  sixty-eight. 
I  don't  know  how  I  ever  will  be  able  to  stand  it  for  so 


many  more  years. 


M 


I  remained  silent  for  a  few  minutes.  Who,  after  all, 
wants  to  know  the  future?  That  is  the  trouble  with  human 
justice  and  capital  punishment  that  a  condemned  person 
is  being  told  at  exactly  what  time  he  is  going  to  be 
executed.  It  reverses  justice  to  injustice. 

"1  wish,  you  hadn't  told  me."  I  protested.  "Are  you 
sure  it  has  to  be  when  I'm  sixty-eight  years  old?" 

"No.  There's  always  a  possibility  for  a  reprieve 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  344  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  345  - 


for  some  reason  or  another.  With  ray  luck  they  let  you 


live  to  be  a  hundred." 


"Who  wants  to  live  to  be  a  hundred?" 


"You.  All  human  beings  want  to  live  to  be  a  hundred." 

"How  old  were  you  when  you  died?" 

"Not  a  hundred,  so  much  I  can  tell  you.  Otherwise 
mind  you  own  business,  please." 

After  another  few  minutes  of  thinking  I  decided  to 
appease  him.  "We  won't  stay  here  for  very  long,  I  hope." 

"More  traveling?"  he  groaned. 

"One  of  these  days  we'll  be  going  to  America." 

"I  wonder  how  you'll  manage  that?" 


II  T  I 


I    11    find   a  way,   don't  worry.    Once  we  are    in  America, 
we'll    be   staying   there  until    the    end   of  my    life." 

"Hallelujah!"  he  exclaimed.  "At  least,  America  is 
supposed  to  be  a  civilized  country." 

"So  was  Shanghai  and  so  is  Manila,"  I  remarked. 

"Maybe,  but  I  don't  like  it  here." 


llTT^  I 


We  ve  been  here  for  less  than  twenty- four  hours  and 
you  dare  to  judge  that  you  don't  like  it." 

"Neither  do  you  like  it,"  he  accused  me. 


n 


That  doesn't  matter.  We'll  do  our  best  here  and  then 


go  to  America." 

"And  you'll  stay  there  in  one  place?" 


Timothy  was   and    is    a  professional  groaner.    "Yes,    I 
can   see    it.    America    is   big,    and   you  can   travel    there   for 
years   without    seeing    it    all.    You're    the  kind  of  bum  never 
to    settle   down    in   one   place." 


"Maybe   one   of    these    days    I'll   surprise  you   and    stay 


put . 


II 


"That  will  be  the  day,"  he  kind  of  sneered.  "When 


will  you  go  to  America?" 

"In  a  year  or  two,  I  guess.  It  all  takes  time. 


M 


"A  year  or  two,"  he  groaned  again.  "Even  guardian 
angels  can  melt  away,  and  this  heat  is  certainly  inducive 
to  melting." 

"What's  the  matter  with  you?  Don't  start  acting 
like  a  living  being." 

"What  do  you  think  I  am?  Dead?  Nobody  ever  dies.  The 
body  dies,  but  not  the  spirit.  And  the  spirit  has  some 
feelings,  too," 

"Sure  -  like  getting  seasick  or  melting  away  in  the 
heat.  Is  that  it?" 

"I  hope,  you'll  be  a  guardian  angel  one  of  these  days 
We  don't  enjoy  all  the  privileges  other  angels  do.  We're 
on  probation  and  that  can  last  a  very  long  time.  Hundreds 
and  hundreds  of  years.  Promotions  aren't  easy  to  come  by 
these  days.  If  it  weren't  for  the  population  explosion  in 


"Who  can  tell?" 


hell,  I  never  would  have  made  it  to  heaven.  I  was  a  border 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-   3;6   - 


Please,    don't   worry'.    Nothing  came   of    iti 


-  347  - 


case.  Sorry  -  but  that's  the  truth." 

I  yawned  to  show  him  that  I  wasn't  Interested  in  his 
troubles.  I  had  enough  of  my  own.  But  he  didn't  care.  He 
was  bent  on  telling  me  what  was  going  on  in  heaven  and  hell 

"The  descending  order  of  angels  is  very  strict,"  he 
continued.  "The  highest  order  are  the  Seraphim§ , the  only 
angels  with  six  wings.  Very  few  ever  get  so  far  and  then 
only  after  many  thousands  of  years.  I  haven't  got  the 
slightest  chance,  that's  for  sure.  The  Seraphlms  together 
with  the  Cherub ims  attend  to  God  personally." 

"How  does  God  look?" 

"How  am  I  supposed  to  know?  God,  we're  taught,  is  a 
spirit  and  He  is  everything,  but  not  what  you  and  I  think. 
Forget  about  that  long  beard  and  all  that  rigmarole.  Men 
are  too  presumptious  to  imagine  God  look^like  they  do. 
Anyway,  one  class  lower  than  the  Seraphims  and  Churubims 
are  the  arch-angels  who  are  the  administrators.  They're 
the  bosses  over  all  the  lower  class  angels." 

"You  must  be  kidding,"  I  said,  although  I  wished  he 
would  stop  already.  I  was  getting  very  tired. 


?•• 


"Why? 


"I  thought,  there  are  no  classes  in  heaven. 


t» 


"What's  the  matter  with  you?"  he  told  me  off  angrily 
"Do  you  think  we're  Communists  up  there?" 

He  had  me  on  this  point.  Yet,  I  had  a  hard  time  to 


"Next  to  the  arch-angels  are  the  regular  angels.  They 
are  divided  in  three  classes.  The  angels  first  class  take 
care  of  all  the  clerical  chores.  The  angels  second  class 
are  the  keepers  of  the  souls  on  earthly  loan  and  some  of 
them  are  members  of  the  Heavenly  Choir.  The  angels  third 
class  are  our  group  supervisors.  We  guardian  angels  take 
our  orders  and  assignments  from  them  and  report  to  them 


every  once  so  often." 

I  was  about  to  doze  off. 

"You  haven't  heard  a  word  I  said,"  he  reproached  me. 

"I've  heard  every  precious  word  of  yours,  but  all  I'm 
interested  in  that  you  do  your  duty  and  protect  Annie  and 


me . 


II 


"Before  you  fall  asleep,  you  better  listen  about 
what  I  can  do  and  can't  do  for  you,  so  that  at  last  we 
understand  each  other.  1  can't  protect  you  from  getting 
sick  or  sometimes  have  an  accident.  All  I'm  charged  with 
is  to  keep  you  alive  until  your  day  comes.  It's  all  in  the 
books.  You  see,  being  a  guardian  angel  isn't  exactly  a  bed 
of  roses,  but  it's  still  better  than  being  in  hell." 

"And  that's  where  I  hope  you'll  go  if  you  ever  fall 
Annie  and  me." 

"Protecting  your  wife  is  a  personal  favor  and  not  part 
of  my  duty." 

"It  better  be,  or  you  can  go  to  hell  right  now,"  I 


suppress  a  yawn 


Please, don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   ttl 


-  348  - 


warned  him.  "Besides,  stop  gabbing,  please.  1  want  to  go 
to  sleep." 

He  was  deeply  offended.  "If  I  had  already  been  awarded 


a  pair  of  wings  and  a  halo,  you  wouldn't  dare  to  talk  to 


me 


like  this,"  he  complained.  "All  right,  go  to  sleep.  I  hope, 
you'll  have  a  very  bad  dream." 

That  ended  our  conversation.  I  don't  remember,  though, 
whether  or  not  I  had  a  bad  dream.  I  don't  think  so  because 
whenever  I ' ve  a  nightmare  I  moan  and  groan  audibly  and 
Annie  mercifully  wakes  me  up.  She  didn't  that  night. 


It  is  my  opinion  that  each  human  being  has 
a  built-in  radar  system,  tuned  to  the  rest  of  the  world. 
R^retfully,  only  few  of  us  ever  listen  to  it.  I've  con- 
ditioned/myself  to  keep  tuned  in  at  all  times,  and  I  be- 
lieve that  I've  greatly  benefited  by  it. 

The  first  morning  in  Manila  after  breakfast  I  had  a 
talk  with  Annie.  There  was  little  doubt  in  my  mind  that 
my  radar  system  was  sending  me  a  warning,  and  I  was  de- 
termined to  heed  it.  It  told  me  that  Manila  could  be  a 


trap  for  us  and  that  we  should  leave  before  it  was  t 


oo 


late.  Of  course,  I  couldn't  tell  when  it  was  "too  late". 
Listening  some  more,  I  came/to  the  conclusion  that  we  had 
at  most  two  years.  I  was  proved  right  and  wrong.  We  would 
have  had  almost  four  years,  if  we  had  waited  so  long.  Four 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  349  - 


# 


• 


• 


years  after  we  came  to  the  Philippine  Islands  the  Japanese 

attacked  and  conquered  them. 

Annie  had  learned  to  trust  my  premonitions,  but  others, 

with  whom  1  dcscussed  the  same  problem,  thought  I  was  un* 

duly  alarmed.  The  Japanese  wouldn't  dare  to  attack  the 

Philippine  Islands  because  they  wouldn't  be  so  stupid  as 

to  challenge  the  mighty  United  States.  It  was  the  same  all 

over  again.  When  I  warned  the  Jews  in  Germany  that  Hitler 

would  come  to  power,  they  didn't  believe  me.  So  they  stayed 

in  Germany  and  paid  with  their  lives,  and  so  they  stayed 

in  Manila  and  got  either  killed  in  the  holocaust  or  let 

themselves  be  incarcerated  at  the  University  of  Santo 

Tomas  where  they  existed  under  the  most  inhuman  conditions. 

Anyway,  I  told  Annie  what  I  thought  would  happen.  She 

accepted  my  judginent  about  the  political  situation,  but 

when  I  told  her  that  we  had  to  start  planning  immediately 

how  to  get  out  of  Manila  and  emigrate  to  the  United  States, 

she  quite  logically  asked  me:  "How  and  with  what?" 

know/ 
I  shrugged  my  shoulders.  "I  don' t/how  and  with  what," 

I  told  her.  "All  I  know  is  that  we've  got  to  get  out  of 
here  somehow  and  with  what  will  solve  itself.  It  always 
does.  When  the  need  for  financing  comes,  God  will  stand  by." 
Annie's  faith  in  God  was  and  still  is  monumental.  None™ 
theless,  she  had  the  common  sense  never  to  lose  sight  of 
the  practical  part  of  a  problem.  She  tried  to  act  as  a 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-    350   - 


Imaj^lnatlon/ 
brake   to  my/fmMBHHR^hlch  6ften    ran  wild.    Yet,    If    I 

had   always    let  her  common   sense   persuade  me,    we  wouldn't 

have    survived    as   we  did.    At    time  common    sense   can  be    a 


trap. 

"We  won't  get  anywhere  without  God's  help,"  she  con- 
ceded, "but  I  don't  see  what  we  can  do  to  deserve  His  help. 
Whom  do  we  know  in  America  and  how  Qan  we  finance  getting 
there?" 

"That's  exactly  the  point,"  I  agreed.  "We'll  have  to 
think  until  we've  a  plan  to  act  upon." 

"In  the  meantime,"  she  reminded  me,  "we've  got  to 
find  jobs." 

She  was  right,  of  course.  It  was  our  first  order  of 
business.  That  very  same  morning  I  visited  the  editorial 
office  of  the  Manila  Herald,  the  paper  which  had  featured 
my  picture.  It  paid  off.  Some  one  there  told  me  that  the 

Great  Eastern  Hotel  had  an  opening  for  a  foreign  manager. 

that/ 
Well,  I  advised  them,  that/was  my  cup  of  tea.  With  my  ex» 

perience  it  should  be  a  cinch  to  land  the  job.  Experience? 

I  could  have  written  a  book  about  what  I  did  not  know  in 

regard  to  hotel  management.  But  neither  had  I  known  any* 

thing  about  managing  a  ballroom  and  nightclub  in  Shanghai. 

The  Great  Eastern  Hotel  was  the  second  largest  hotel 

in  Manila.  It  was  nine  stories  high  and  claimed  to  be  the 

tallest  building  in  town.  It  seemed  so  anyway.  Like  the 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  351  - 


• 


Casanova  in  Shanghai  it  was  Chinese-owned.  Well,  I  pre- 
sented my  credentials  which  included  a  letter  of  recommen- 
dation by  Mr.  M. ,  our  agent  friend  in  Shanghai.  The  long 
and  short  of  it  was  that  I  was  engaged  as  manager  of  the 
hotel  diningroom,  ballroom  and  roofgarden.  In  fact,  I  had 
to  sign  a  contract  which  was  as  contradictory  in  its  con- 
tents as  the  hallelujah  promisesbf  a  politician  running 
for  office.  According  to  this  contract  I  had  full  authority 
in  the  way  I  would  manage  the  part  of  the  hotel,  assigned 
to  me,  but  at  the  same  time  I  wasn't  allowed  to  make  any 
decision  without  first  obtaining  the  okay  of  the  general 
manager  who  was  the  Number-One  Son  of  the  white-bearded, 
eighty  year  old  patriarch  of  the  family  owned  enterprises. 
In  an  old-fashioned  Chinese  family  the  children  obeyed 
their  fatherf  without  an  argument.  The  old  man  was  a  miser- 
able dictator  and  everybody  lived  in  fear  of  him,' 
ilA  I  have  a  special  prejudice  against  all  dictators,  small 
or  big,  as  well  as  for  bosses  who  underpay  their  help.  My 
salary  was  nothing  to  boast  about,  but  I  was  in  no  position 
to  bargain,  for  any  salary  was  better  than  none. 

The  Great  Eastern  Hotel  was  one  of  a  chain  of  companies, 
owned  and  operated  by  Ng  Tip  &  Sons.  From  way  back  the  fami- 
ly were  importers  and  distributors  of  groceries  and  pro- 
visions. Beside  The  Great  Eastern  Hotel  they  operated  a 

bakery,  a  grocery  store,  an|  import  and  export  firm  as  well 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  352  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  353  - 


a&the  New  Washington  Hotel  and  Restaurant  In  Bagulo/ (liter- 
ally translated:  Typhoon),  a  mountain  resort  some  two 

hours  distant  from  Manila.  It  has  a  pleasant,  cool  climate. 
A  head-huntlnR  trlbc^/ 
/the  Igorots  (Mountain  Dwellers) , live  in  these  hills  and 

while  we  were  in  Manila  they  allegedly  attacked  a  bus 
and  all  its  passengers  including  the  driver  were  found 
minus  their  heads.  After  the  war  we  heard  that  the  Igorots 
had  the  time  of  their  lives  during  the  Japanese  occupation. 
Some  underground  organization  paid  them  a  price  for  each 
Japanese  head  they  delivered  and  apparently  they  delivered 
a  great  number  of  them.  In  fact,  they  never  had  it  so  good 
before  or  after  the  war.  Head-hunting  has  gone  out  of  fashion 
in  the  PJilippines. 

All  the  Ng  Tip  &  Sons  estalp^ishments  were  geared  to 
thin^i American.  When  the  American  East-Asia  Fleet  harbored 
in  Manila  for  four  months  each  year,  the  Great  Eastern 
Hotel  served  the  sailors  huge  T-bone  steaks  with  a  heap 
of  French  fried  potatoes  for  two  pesos  or  one  American 
dollar.  I  never  managed  to  eat  one  in  one  sitting,  but 
some  of  the  sailors  consumed  two  or  even  three  at  one  meal. 
The  meat  was  of  first-class  quality  and  if  there  was  a  bar- 
gain, this  was  it. 

I  had  to  work  from  eleven- thirty  in  the  morning  until 
the  diningroom  was  closed  after  midnight.  Occasionally  I 
could  go  home  for  a  couple  of  hours  in  the  afternoon.  It 


was  a  job  which  gave  me  face  but  not  enough  dough/to  live 
on  for  the  two  of  us. 

Of  course,  in  the  meantime  Annie  also  had  gone  Job- 
hunting.  A  week  later  she  got  herself  hired  into  the  "Tro- 
cadero",  a  small  nightclub  reputed  to  be  very  exclusive. 
It  was  owned  and  operated  by  a  former  Australian  actress. 
By  some  fortunate  happenstance  an  already  advertised, 
so-called  Viennese  female  dancer  had  failed  to  arrive 
in  Manila  and  Annie  was  engaged  as  her  substitute.  She 
was  advertised  as  "Anna  from  Vienna",  well-known  as  the 
nightingale  of  "The  Blue  Danube"  in  Shanghai.  Singing 
as  before  in  three  languages  she  was  an  instant  success. 
Luckily  for  her  no  patron  from  Vienna  ever  showed  up. 
If  that  would  have  happened,  Annie  would  have  been  in 
trouble.  She  had  never  been  in  Vienna.  Natives  of  Vienna 
are  a  unique  brand  of  people  who  never  cease  to  believe 
that  their  city  is  not  only  the  artistic  and  culinary 
center  of  Europe,  but  of  the  world.  It  is  true,  in  gener- 
al Viennese  are  very  charming,  but  they  shouldn't  feel 

sorry  for  anyone  who  hasn't  been  bom  there.  Annie  as 

^^ 

"Anna  from  Vienna"  was  ska,ing  on  thin  ice  which  fortunate- 
ly held  firm.  Not  once  was  she  unmasked  as  a  fake  Viennese, 
After  all,  being  at  least  as  charming  as  any  Viennese  girl 
could  be,  she  was  above  suspicion.  Besides,  any  girl  from 
the  river  Rhine  (as  Annie  was)  is  as  gay,  as  vivacious  and 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   It  I 


-  354  - 


as  attractive  as  girls  from  the  Blue  Danube. 

The  days  prior  to  her  first  appearance  she  was  an- 
nounced In  large  newspaper  ads: 

"COME  AND  HEAR  THE  HEW  ARTIST 
ANNA  FROM  VIENNA 
AT  THE  TROCADERO. 
Cabaret  starts  at  11  p.m." 
We  had  been  smart  to  have  packed  into  our  two  suit= 
cases  almost  exclusively  our  evening  outfits,  but  work= 
ing  again  we  had  constantly  to  replenish  them  and  that 
included  custom  jewelry  for  Annie.  We  had  to  buy  daily 
wearing  apparel  month  by  month.  The  price  of  a  tailored 
tropical  suit  was  ten  pesos  or  five  American  dollars. 
Nothing  could  survive  long  in  the  tropical  climate.  Both 
our  salaries  combined  just  allowed  us  to  exist,  but  no 
more.  At  that  we  had  to  budget  ourselves  and  any  luxuries 
were  out. 

We  moved  away  from  Hellmann's  Boardinghouse  after  a 
week's  stay.  The  Jewish  Refuggee  Committee  ran  out  of  money 
and  disintegrated  quickly.  We  rented  a  room  with  a  Filipino 
family  in  a  nice  street  of  the  residential  district,  not 
far  from  Dewey  Boulevard.  Like  many  houses  in  Manila  it 
had  no  glass  windows  and  no  air  conditioning.  In  case  it 
rained  (and  it  could  rain  harder  in  Manila  than  anywhere 
else) there  were  wooden  shutters  we  could  close,  but  didn't 


iis 


Please,    don*t  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    it  I 


-  355  - 


do  much  good  during  a  typhoon.  One  couldn't  close  the 
shutters  during  rainless  days  or  nights  if  one  didn't 
want  to  suffocate  or  sweat  to  death.  Thus  open  to  the 
outside  myriads  of  bugs,  bats,  vampires  had  free  entrance 
when  we  turned  the  light  on  in  the  evening. 

It  happened  a  few  weeks  after  we  had  moved  into  our 
room  on  the  second  floor  above  the  house  entrance,  fac= 
ing  the  peaceful,  residential  street.  I  had  come  home 
at  about  one  o'clock  in  the  morning.  Our  pet  gecko 
(scientifically  known  under  the  name:  Gecco  Fascicularts) , 
a  small  lizzard,  who  very  happily  lived  with  us  and  con* 
suraed  as  many  small  insects  as  he  could  digest,  had  wel- 
corned  me  joyfully  by  smacking  his  tongue  in  a  way  that 
9  sounded  like  "geek,  gecl,  geek"  and  running  back  and 
forth  on  the  ceiling,  all^excited,  for  he  had  adopted 
Annie  and  me  as  his  personal  friends.  We  liked  him,  too. 
Anyone  who  consumed  insects  was  very  welcome  to  us.  I 
felt  weary  and  exhausted  after  twelve  hours  of  work.  Com- 
ing out  of  the  cool,  air-conditioned  diningroom  of  the 
Great  Eastern  Hotel  the  humid  night  heat  had  hit  me  like 
a  sledge-hammer  blow  on  the  head.  As  usual  and  since  it 
wasn't  raining  the  so-called  window  in  our  room  was  open. 
There  wasn't  a  whiff  of  a  breeze.  I  undressed  to  the  al- 
together, pushed  all  my  clothing  into  the  laundry  back 
and  wished  there  was  a  cold  shower  available.  Instead  I 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  356  - 


had  to  be  satisfied  with  tepid  water  from  the  wash  basin 
faucet.  I  had  emptied  my  pockets  and  put  my  gold  wrist 
watch,  a  present  from  my  brother-in-law  in  Sweden  after 
our  arrival  in  Manila,  and  my  wallet  with  some  twenty 
dollars  and  whatever  loose  cash  I  had  on  the  table  in 
front  of  the  open  window.  The  rent  for  the  room  was  cheap, 
but  so  were  the  few  pieces  of  furniture,  a  double  bed  in 
the  center  of  the  room,  a  dresser  and  stool  for  Annie, 
two  chairs  and  the  table  -  that  was  all.  A  wardrobe  for 
our  use  was  outside  in  the  hall.  Naked  as  I  was,  I  crept 
under  the  mosquito  net  which  made  the  humid  heat  even 
more  unpleasant.  It's  unbelievable  how  much  a  body  can 
perspire.  The  sweat  soaked  through  the  mattress  and  each 
morning  there  was  a  puddle  of  water  under  the  bed.  It 
sounds  exaggerated,  but  you  better  believe  it.  Annie 
came  home  around  three.  I  heard  the  taxi  stop  in  front 
of  the  house. 

"I'm  pooped,"  was  all  she  said  when  she  came  in.  I 
grunted  in  response  and  that  was  the  entire  conversation 
we  had.  Anything  more  was  too  strenuous  for  us.  She  follow 
ed  my  example  and  stripped.  No  nightgown,  no  pajama.  If  we 
could  have  done  so,  we  also  would  have  shed  our  skin.  The 
gecko  had  welcomed  her  in  the  same  joyful  manner,  but 
quieted  down  after  Annie  had  slipped  under  the  mosquito 
net.  We  fell  into  an  exhausted  sleep. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  357  - 


I  had  a  bad  dream.  Some  intruder  had  climbed  into  our 
window  and  was  stealing  my  wallet  and  watch.  Some  dream, 
indeedl  If  it  hadn't  been  for  the  gecko,  gabbing  excitedly, 
I  might  not  even  have  waked  up.  But  there  he  was,  a  shadowy 

i 

figure  crouching  in  the  fram/'of  the  open  window  -  the  cat 
burglar  of  my  dream.  I  jumped  up,  got  entangled  in  the 
godforsaken  mosquito  net  and  before  I  reached  the  window 
the  burglar  was  gone.  I  just  could  see  him  jumping  to  the 
ground  down  below  and  start  running.  I  grabbed  a  heavy 
metal  ashtray  and  threw  it  after  him,  missing  him  of 
course.  Gone  was  my  gold  watch  and  wallet. 

"What's  the  matter?"  Annie  asked  from  the  bed. 

I  told  her  and  she  groaned.  She  might  as  well  because 
she  had  a  fool  for  a  husband  who  deposited  all  he  owned 
on  a  table  in  front  of  an  open  window  just  for  the  tak- 
ing. The  newspapers  reported  cat  burglaries  every  day. 
So  -  I  should  have  known  better.  Funny,  one  always  learns 
only  when  it  is  too  late,  or  as  the  Germans  say:  "Wenn 
das  Kind  in  den  Brunnen  gef alien  ist."  kf-tex   the  child 
fell  into  the  well.  We  both  put  on  robes,  alarmed  the 
house,  called  the  police.  They  promised  to  send  a  man 
without  delay  which  meant  after  two  hours.  And  then  he 
could  do  nothing,  but  tell  me  to  come  to  police  head- 
quarters in  the  morning  and  sign  a  complaint.  No  use  to 
look  for  fingerprints.  Cat  burglars  always  wore  gloves. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  358  - 


The  next  night  a  cat  burglar  ransacked  the  house  of  the 
police  cotnml^loner.  Neither  he  nor  I  got  any  of  the  stolen 
goods  back.  Cat  burglary  was  much  in  vogue  in  Manila. 

Of  course,  Annie  and  I  didn't  get  to  see  much  of  each 
other.  The  situation  was  very  similar  to  the  one  in  Shang- 
hai. If  we  had  not  fully  trusted  in  our  mutual  fai^ful" 
ness  and  loyalty,  we  might  easily  have  drifted  apart.  But 
neither  she  nor  I  had  any  grounds  for  jealousy  despite 
the  temptations  to  which  we  were  exposed  in  our  profession** 
al  lives.  Annie  in  particular  had  a  hard  time  to  keep  the 
wplves  at  bay. 

In  Manila  she  had  to  cope  with  one  man  who  seriously 
and  persistently  proposed  marriage  to  her  several  times 
a  week.  He  could  not  be  dissuaded.  Known  to  be  very  wealthy, 
he  promised  Annie  heaven  on  earth.  She  would  live  like  a 
queen  if  she  only  had  the  good  sense  to  accept  him.  When 
she  as  persistently  rejected  him  and  finally  let  him  know 
that  she  was  happily  married,  he  wasn't  deterred  either. 
He  offered  to  pay  me  off  with  any  amount  of  money  I  would 
demand.  We  weren't  even  tempted.  We  had  no  reason  for  a 
divorce,  and  we  didn't  believe  in  divorces  anyway.  We  two 
belonged  together.  Nothing  could  shake  this  conviction. 
We  really  stood  the  test,  more  so  than  most  other  couples. 
And  in  regard  to  living  like  a  queen  -  the  rich  man,  his 
girlfriend  and  servants  were  killed  in  the  war  by  an  aerial 
bomb  which  hit  his  mansion  dead-center. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  359  - 


My  advice,  for  all  it  is  worth,  is:  Don't 
rely  too  mucljon  what  travel  guide  books  will  tell  you.  I 
read  in  one  that  the  best  time  to  visit  the  Philippines 
is  in  the  cool  season  from  November  to  February.  While 
we  were  there,  we  didn't  experience  any  cool  season.  All 
of  the  Philippine  Islands  with  a  few  exception^ like  Baguio 
are  a  vast,  miserable,  unwelcome  steambath  from  January 
to  December.  Both  of  us  have  always  been  allergic  to  steam- 
baths  and  have  never  entered  one  voluntarily.  Yet,  there 
is  a  rainy  season  and  a  typhoon  season  between  July  and 
October  in  the  islands.  When  it  rains,  it  pours,  and  when 
the  typhoons  hit,  they  do  so  with  terrifying  force.  Neither 
rain  nor  typhoon  relieve  the  humidity.  If  at  all  possible, 
they  increase  it. 

We  two,  as  much  as  we  tried,  were  unable  to  acclimatize 
To  make  matters  worse  for  Annie,  she  lived  in  constant  fear 
of  snakes.  There  is  quite  a  variety  of  these  reptiles  even 
in  Manila.  Most  of  them  ar^on-poisonous,  although  to  meet 
a  fat  and  large  python  snake  -  as  we  did  once  in  front  of 
the  General  Pos toff ice,  a  marvelous  building,  endowed  with 
Dorian  columns  -  is  not  entirely  a  pleasant  experience  un- 
less one  happens  to  be  a  herpetologist.  Annie,  otherwise 
not  given  to  phobias,  has  a  particular  one  for  snakes.  I 
can't  even  talk  to  her  about  snakes  before  going  to  bed. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  come  of  it! 


-  360  - 


or  she'll  have  snake  nightmares.  She  won't  look  at  snakes 
in  zoos  and  if  she  had  been  Eve  in  the  Garden  of  Eden,  the 
snake  would  ndver  have  persuaded  her  to  cat  the  fruit  from 
the  forbiddden  Tree  of  Knowledge.  Who  knows  how  different 
the  legendary  history  of  mankind  would  have  developed  if 
Eve  had  been  as  Tfiuch  afraid  of  snakes  as  Annie.  We  might 
still  live  in  paradise. 

We  heard  so  many  snake  stories,  whether  true  or  false 
we  never  could  ascertain,  that  it  became  Annie's  undoing 
one  evening.  The  American  Red  Cross  on  a  specially  charter' 
ed  ship  had  managed  to  get  all  the  baggage,  we  evacuees 
had  to  leave  behind,  out  of  Shanghai.  None  of  us  had 
thought  we  would  see  any  of  our  belongings  again.  There 
was  no  charge  for  this  extra-ordinary  service.  We  had 
placed  our  large,  metal  steamer  trunk  with  our  winter* 
wear,  including  Annie's  fur  coat,  at  the  foot  end  of  the 
bed  in  the  center  of  our  room. 

As  on  all  evenings  Annie  made  up  her  face  before 

leaving  for  work  at  the  Tr^cadero  (or  "The  Little  Club", 

as  it  had  been  re-named).  She  was  sitting  on  the  stool  in 

front  of  the  dresser,  wearing  nothing  but  her  panties  and 

light./ 
bra.  Attracted  by  the  electric/  bats  and  vampires  were 

circling  with  flapping  wings  just  below  the  ceiling,  JHf 

All  sorts  of  weird  insects  had  in- 


vaded the  room  as  they  did  each  evening,  unless  it  was 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  361  - 


raining  and  we  had  to  close  the  shutters.  Our  pet,  the 
gecko,  chattered  and  fed  on  the  smaller  insects.  None  of 
it  disturbed  Annie,  having  gotten  used  to  it,  until  she 
felt  something  slimy  slither  across  her  naked  feet.  That 
did  it!  Her  brain  became  paralyzed.  Without  any  other  thought 
she  jumped  up  and  ran  toward  the  door.  She  didn't  get  far. 
She  was  dumb  and  blind.  A  snake  was  a  snake  was  a  snake. 
She  ran  smack  into  our  steamer  trunk,  which  had  arrived 
the  day  before,  and  fell  over  it  head  on.  When  she  came 
to,  her  face  was  bleeding  and  her  upper  lip  was  split. 
Her  mouth  was  swollen  to  a  size,  of  which  even  an  ape 
would  have  been  ashamed.  The  worst  of  it  was  that  there 

hadn't  been  a  snake,  only  some  kind  of  creeping  insect 

missed/ 
with  innumerable,  spidery  feet.  Naturally,  she/flMBBMBII 

9  go^ to  work.  Unable  to  move  her  lips,  she  couldn  t  make 
herself  understood.  It  was  useless  to  go  downstairs  to 
the  telephone  and  call  me  at  the  hotel.  For  a  few  days 
she  communicated  with  me  by  writing  everything  down.  In 
fact,  she  had  left  a  note  on  the  table,  illogically  tell- 
ing me  ::  "Manila,  I  hate  it." 

When  I  came  home  after  midnight,  she  was  lying  on  the 
bed  under  the  mosquito  net  with  a  wet  towel  over  her  lower 
part  of  the  face.  When  she  removed  it  to  show  me  the  damage, 
I  almost  laughed.  She  looked  grotesque.  I  had  never  seen 
anything  like  it.  If  I  had  been  around,  she  wouldn't  have 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  ttl 


-  362  - 


blindly  as/ 
panicked  as/she  had.  Alone,  she  couldn't  be  trusted.  Snakes 

were  too  much  for  her,  even  if  there  were  no  snakes.  The 

was  to/ 
idea  sufficed.  All  we  could  doysee  a  doctor  flA  in  the 

morning.  He  prescribed  a  coal-black  ointment  which  made 

her  look  more  ferocious  and  didn't  do  any  good.  Finally, 

I  remembered  that  my  mother,  who  believed  more  in  home 

'  remedies  than  prescription  medication,  had  always  used 

camomile  tea  for  healing  wounds.  I  bought  some,  boiled 

it,  folded  the  thick,  hot  brew  into  a  handkerchief,  so 

that  the  juice  soaked  through,  and  put  it  over  Annie's 

mouth.  We  repeated  this  procedure  every  hour  by  the  hour 

for  a  day  and  a  night  and  the  swelling  receded.  Vithin 

twenty-four  hours  she  looked  almost  normal  again.  A 

remaining  scar  gradually  disappeared.  Yet,  she  couldn't 

go  back  to  work  for  a  week  until  her  mouth  was  flexible 

enough  to  enable  her  to  sing  again.  She  almost  lost  her 

job  on  account  of  it.  Her  lady  boss  was  a  very  impatient 

person  who  had  no  compassion  whatsoever  for  any  employee 

who  managed  to  injure  herself.  Of  course,  /^nnie  didn't 

get  paid  for  that  week,  a  loss  we  hardly  could  afford. 

To  this  day  Annie  hasn't  lost  her  fear  of  snakes. 

We're  living  in  a  mountain  area  and  have  some  snakes 

around.  Now  and  then  also  a  fat  rattle  snake.  But  since 

we  two  don't  separate  anymore,  she  feels  secure.  She  can't 

imagine  that  any  snake  would  harm  her  as  long  as  I'm  around 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-   363   - 


It  may   sound    funny,    but   that's    the  way   she   is. 


I   hate    to   admit    it,    but   the   longer  we 
stayed   in  Manila   the    less   we   liked    it.    Even  now   it's 
hard    to   explain  why   that  was   so   except   for  the  devastate 
Ing   climate.    Somehow  we  were  more  conscious   of  being  home" 
less    exiles    than  we  had  been   in   Shanghai.    We    didn't   succeed 
in  making   friends    although    like   anywhere    in   the  world    there 
were   a   lot  of   kindly  people.    After   the   stimulating  city 
of  Shanghai,    Manila  was   a   let-down. 

The   deepest   trouble  was   that  we   were    in    a  bind  and 
felt    it  more   so   than   in  Shanghai. Unlike   other   foreigners 
we  couldn't   just   pack   up   and  go   home    if  we  were  dissatisfied 
with   our   jobs,    our  work  or    the  way   of   life.   We  had   no   home 
to  which  we  could   return.    This    idea  more    than   anything  else 
plagued  us,    consciously   and   subconsciously.   We  were   pain" 
fully   aware  of   our   status   of  exiles.     If  we   lost  our  jobs 
and  didn't   succeed   in   finding  new  ones,   we  could   starve 
to  death  without   anybody  give  a   damn   about   it.    If   a  natural 
or  man-made  catastrophe   fell  on   the   city   or  the  country,   M 
where   could  we   go?   What  other  country  would  accept  us?   We 
had  no  valid   passports   anymore.    The   uneasy  feeling,    that 
we  were  at   the  mercy  of  events  we  couldn't  meet  head-on, 
never   left  us.    We  had  been   lucky   to  have   been   evacuated 
from  Shanghai,    but  would  we   be   as  fortunate  a   second  time 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   Itl 


-  362  - 


blindly  as/ 
panicked  as /she  had.  Alone,  she  couldn't  be  trusted.  Snakes 

were  too  much  for  her,  even  if  there  were  no  snakes.  The 

was  to/ 
Idea  sufficed.  All  we  could  do /see  a  doctor  flA  in  the 

morning.  He  prescribed  a  coal-black  ointment  which  made 

her  look  more  ferocious  and  didn't  do  any  good.  Finally, 

I  remembered  that  my  mother,  who  believed  more  In  home 

'  remedies  than  prescription  medication,  had  always  used 

camomile  tea  for  healing  wounds.  I  bought  some,  boiled 

It,  folded  the  thick,  hot  brew  Into  a  handkerchief,  so 

that  the  juice  soaked  through,  and  put  it  over  Annie's 

mouth.  We  repeated  this  procedure  every  hour  by  the  hour 

for  a  day  and  a  night  and  the  swelling  receded.  Within 

twenty- four  hours  she  looked  almost  normal  again.  A 

remaining  scar  gradually  disappeared.  Yet,  she  couldn't 

go  back  to  work  for  a  week  until  her  mouth  was  flexible 

enough  to  enable  her  to  sing  again.  She  almost  lost  her 

job  on  account  of  it.  Her  lady  boss  was  a  very  Impatient 

person  who  had  no  compassion  whatsoever  for  any  employee 

who  managed  to  Injure  herself.  Of  course,  Atinie   didn't 

get  paid  for  that  week,  a  loss  we  hardly  could  afford. 

To  this  day  Annie  hasn't  lost  her  fear  of  snakes. 

We're  living  In  a  mountain  area  and  have  some  snakes 

around.  Now  and  then  also  a  fat  rattle  snake.  But  since 

we  two  don't  separate  anymore,  she  feels  secure.  She  can't 

imagine  that  any  snake  would  harm  her  as  long  as  I'm  around. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  363  - 


It  may  sound  funny,  but  that's  the  way  she  Is. 


I  hate  to  admit  it,  but  the  longer  we 
stayed  in  Manila  the  less  we  liked  it.  Even  now  it's 
hard  to  explain  why  that  was  so  except  for  the  devastat* 
Ing  climate.  Somehow  we  were  more  conscious  of  being  home- 
less exiles  than  we  had  been  in  Shanghai.  We  didn't  succeed 
In  making  friends  although  like  anywhere  in  the  world  there 
were  a  lot  of  kindly  people.  After  the  stimulating  city 
of  Shanghai,  Manila  was  a  let-down. 

The  deepest  trouble  was  that  we  were  In  a  bind  and 
felt  it  more  so  than  in  Shanghai. Unlike  other  foreigners 
we  couldn't  just  pack  up  and  go  home  if  we  were  dissatisfied 
with  our  jobs,  our  work  or  the  way  of  life.  We  had  no  home 
to  which  we  could  return.  This  idea  more  than  anything  else 
plagued  us,  consciously  and  subconsciously.  We  were  pain* 
fully  aware  of  our  status  of  exiles.  If  we  lost  our  jobs 
and  didn't  succeed  In  finding  new  ones,  we  could  starve 
to  death  without  anybody  give  a  damn  about  It.  If  a  natural 
or  man-made  catastrophe  fell  on  the  city  or  the  country,  M 
where  could  we  go?  What  other  country  would  accept  us?  We 
had  no  valid  passports  anymore.  The  uneasy  feeling,  that 
we  were  at  the  mercy  of  events  we  couldn't  meet  head-on, 
never  left  us.  We  had  been  lucky  to  have  been  evacuated 
from  Shanghai,  but  would  we  be  as  fortunate  a  second  time 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  364  - 


in  case  the  Japanese  would  attack  and  Invade  Manila  and 
the  Philippines  as  I  was  convinced  they  would  sooner  or 
later.  The  Insecurity  of  our  existence  as  persons  with- 
out a  country  grew  harder  and  harder  to  take.  All  which 
sustained  us  was  our  never  falling  faith  In  God.  He  had 
not  let  us  down  once.  That,  Indeed,  Is  the  real  truth  In 
life:  Faith.  Although  we  don't  have  any  personal  quarrel 
with  organized  religions  (philosophically  we're  Inclined 
against  them),  we  don't  believe  that  we  could  have  found 
true  faith  In  temples,  churches  or  synagogues  where  wor=* 
ship  Is  substituted  for  faith  which  cannot  be  conjured  up 
by  dogmas  and  rituals.  Faith  should  not  be  entombed  in 
man-made  buildings  and  cannot  be  anchored  in  the  worship 
of  God  on  Sundays  and  a  few  religious  holidays.  Worship, 
Indeed,  creates  the  assumption  that  God  is  an  arrogant 
dictator.  Faith  is  strength  which  flows  from  God  to  you 
and  from  you  to  God  without  interference  by  a  so-called 
clergy.  Faith  is  our  private  shrine  of  happiness  without 
which  one  would  vegetate  in  misery. 

If  nowadays  we  hear  young  people  complain  about  their 
Insecurity,  we  only  can  wonder.  They  have  a  land,  a  nation, 
to  which  they  belong.  They  are  protected  by  the  laws  of 
their  land  and  also,  of  course,  punished  by  these  laws  if 
they  break  them.  They  don't  know  what  insecurity  means.  As 

stateless  exiles  we  had  no  protection.  We  were  outsiders. 


"^tKttSBSS' 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  365  - 


We  did  not  belong  and  were  totally  on  our  own.  No  social 
security.  No  unemployment  insurance.  No  welfare.  We  had 
no  status  as  human  beings.  We  could  not  afford  to  become 
undesirables  in  any  way  or  form  because  we  could  be  de- 
ported for  the  slightest  reason.  Deported  to  where?  To 
Nazi-Germany?  To  00  death  in  gas  chambers? 

Our  desire  to  immigrate  to  America  seemed  like  a  pipe 
dream,  like  wishful  thinking  without  a  shred  of  reality. 
We  had  to  bug  an  immigration  quota  system  which  as  far 
as  Nazi-Germany  was  concerned  had  been  over-subscribed  - 
or  so  we  thought.  Besides,  who  was  waiting  for  us  over 
there?  No  one.  We  were  like  little  puffs  of  cumulous 
clouds,  dissolvable  at  any  time.  We  had  no  civic  rights 
or  duties.  Being  an  exile  is  basically  being  non-existent. 

We  wonder  nowadays  how  some  of  the  young  people,  who  have 

voluntarily/ 
exiled  themselves/jHBBBi^  from  this  wonderful  country 

might  feel  in  moments  of  loneliness,  homesickness  and 
depression?  Being  an  exile  is  not  a  way  of  living. 

Our  life  in  exile  created  a  trauma  which  never  fully 
left  us.  It  won't  vanish  from  our  souls  until  the  day  we 
die.  We  never  believed  in  security  again  and  do  not  so  now, 
not  even  In  these  United  States  which  we  have  learned  to 
love  dearly  (Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  wherever  you  are).  Never  be- 
fore, not  even  in  pre-Nazt-  Germany,  have  we  felt  so  much 
at  home  as  we  do  In  this  MMBf  country.  We  have  settled 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  366  - 


down,  really  settled  down,  but  deep 
still  a  tiny  fear  that  it  cannot  last. 


inside  us  is 


It  seemed  strange  that  during  our  time  in  Shanghai 
we  never  thought  about  the  opportunity  we  had  had  to 
emigrate  to  Palestine.  After  much  souli  searching  I  had 
rejected  the  idea.  When  we  felt  so  unhappy  in  Manila,  I 
had  moments  of  regrets  not  to  have  accepted  the  invitation 
by  a  friend  to  join  him  what  was  then  Palestine.  Perhaps 
the  true  reason  had  been  that  I  could  not  bury  my  dream 
to  become  an  American  citizen,  a  dream  I  had  harbored 
ever  since  I  had  survived  the  first  world  war. 

Today  Israel,  the  one  and  only  true  democratic  nation 
in  the  Mid-East,  is  a  hope  and  a  promise,  a  bulwark  against 
the  crippling  influence  and  advance  of  destructive  Co7»imu« 
nism.  If  these  United  States,  the  greatest  democracy  in 
history,  the  most  powerful  nation  in  the  world,  fails 
little  Israel,  we  may  as  well  surrender  to  Communist 
world  domination. 


As  Manila  was  not  Shanghai,  so  was  the 
Great  Eastern  Hotel  not  the  Casanova.  I  was  in  trouble 
from  the  start  till  the  end,  and  the  job  did  not  last 
longer  than  three  months  and  two  days.  According  to  my 
contract  I  was  the  manager  of  the  diningroom,  the  ball" 

room  and  the  roof garden.  I  was  nothing  of  the  sort  as  it 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  367  - 


turned  out.  I  was  expected  to  be  a  puppet  and  function 
the  way/ 
/iP  the  general  manager  (the  number- one -son)  pulled  the 

strings.  I  was  not  and  am  not  the  kind  of  person  who  can 
be  manipulated.  None  of  my^suggestions  were  approved  and 
others,  which  I  instituted  without  asking,  were  canceled. 
All  I  had  to  do  was  acting  as  if  I  did  supervise  every- 
thing and  apologize  if  a  customer  was  dissatisfied.  I  was 
a  kind  of  trouble-shooter.  As  far  as  banquets  were  con* 
cemed   (and  there  were  quite  a  number  of  them,  the  most 
memorable  was  one  given  by  President  Quezon)  I  was  ex" 
pected  to  see  that  the  tables  were  correctly  set  and 
decorated  and  then  stand  by  to  direct  the  smooth  flow 
of  food.  However,  there  was  one  so-called  duty  I  was 
not  prepared  for.  I  had  to  okay  the  daily  menus  which 
actually  was  nothing  but  a  formality.  What  I  didn't  know 
about  ipenus  is  not  worth  mentioning.  Never  in  my  life  had 
I  cooked  a  meal  or  read  a  cookbook.  It  was  quite  a  let- 
down after  my  position  at  the  Casanova  where  Wong  had 
given  me  free  reign. 

Old  man  Ng  Tip  was  a  yellow  peril  -  at  least  to  me. 
He  was  the  kind  who  didn't  brook  any  opposition.  A  stranger 
and  a  foreigner  to  boot  had  no  standing  with  him  at  all.  He 
just  suffered  me  because  the  hotel,  catering  to  foreign 
patrons,  had  to  have  at  least  one  foreign  manager  for  show. 
Well,  the  old  panjandrum  never  spoke  a  single  word  to  me 
although  he  took  his  lunch  in  the  diningroom  each  day.  His 


Please,    don't  worry  1   Nothing  came  of   it    ! 


-  368  - 


rheumatic,  slanted  eyes  looked  at  me  with  conspicuous 
suspicion.  Like  Ottokar,  the  kindly  peasant  in  the 
Manchurian  mail  train,  he  also  had  a  scraggly,  white 
beard  and  a  leathery,  wrinkled  face.  Only  Ng  Tip  didn't 
smile,  ever.  Not  even  at  the  Chinese  waiter  who  regularly 
served  him.  The  old  man  had  the  habit  of  never  consulting 
the  menu,  but  ordering  the  special  lunch  of  the  day  with- 
out knowing  what  it  was  to  be.  That,  indeed,  turned  out 
to  be  my  downfall.  Quite  innocently  I  caused  that  over- 
aged  time-bomb  to  explode,  and  I  was  the  only  victim. 

In  fact,  there  were  three  unfortunate  incidents 
which  finally  resulted  in  my  losing  the  job.  The  first 
one  was  when  one  day  I  fired  a  waiter  because  he  had  been 
repeatedly  obnoxious  to  customers.  Well,  I  had  no  right 
to  fire  anyone  without  consulting  first  the  general  man* 
ager,  but  I  was  sick  and  tired  of  consulting.  I  was  never 
good  at  taking  orders  and  had  always  been  anxious  to  keep 
my  personal  independence  inviolate. 

All  right,  I  had  fired  that  damned  waiter,  telling 
him  not  to  show  his  face  again.  He  came  back  the  next 
day  with  a  big  grin  all  over  his  idiotic  face,  re- installed 
to  full  duties.  I  in  turn  was  reprimanded.  All  the  Chinese 
employees  were  related  to  the  Ng  Tip  family  and  that  par- 
ticular waiter  was  a  nephew  of  the  big  boss.  If  ever  looks 


could  kill,  I  would  have  been  dead  the  very  moment  the  old 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  iti         -  369  - 


• 


man  entered  the  dlningroom  for  lunch. 

The  second  time  I  got  myself  into  real  trouble 
was  on  Christmas  Eve.  We  had  advertised  in  all  news- 
papers a  special  dinner  and  floor  show.  A  large  artificial 
Christmas  tree  and  other  make-believe  decorations  enhanced 
the  diningroom  and  roofgarden.  In  the  ads  we  had  invited 
families  to  come  with  their  children  for  this  occasion. 
And  by  golly  they  came.  The  diningroom  and  roofgarden 
were  crowded  for  hours.  Naturally,  I  was  very  busy  to 
run  the  whole  spectacle.  I  vaguely  remembered  after- 
wards  that  one  of  the  waiters  had  accosted  me  with  the 


information  that  a  party  of  "foreign  devils"  had  c 


om* 


plained   about  a  Filipino  mother  who   at   the  next    table 
was  breast-feeding  her  baby.   This,    indeed,    offended   the 
"foreign  devils'"   appetite   as    the  waiter  expressed  it.    I 
had    seen   it  myself,   but  had  thought   nothing   of   it.    Breast- 
feeding   in  public  was    a  common   sight   in   the   Far  East, 
and   I  couldn't   imagine  why   such  a  natural  act   should  be 
offensive.   This  particular  family   looked  nice  and   neatly 
dressed   and    I   saw  no   objection    for   the  mother   to  breast- 
feed her  baby.    But  the  complaint  was   repeated  and    I  had 

>ut/ 
no   choice/to    interfere   in   one  way  or  the  other.    Stupidly, 

I  believed   it  would  be  more  appropriate    for  roe  to   stay 
out   of   it,   being   a  foreigner  myself.    So   I  sent  the  waiter 
captain   to   tell   the  mother  in  as  polite   a  manner  as  possible 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  370  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  ttl 


-  371  - 


that  we  had  a  complaint  about  breast-feeding  her  baby 
in  the  diningroom  and  that  we  had  a  beautifully  and 
comfortably  furnished  lounge  adjacent  to  the  ladies' 
room  where  she  could  fee^  her  baby.  I  honestly  thought 
that  the  Incident  had  been  solved  in  this  manner  to  the 
satisfaction  of  both  parties.  It  was  not  by  any  means. 
Shortly  afterward  the  father  of  the  family  stopped  me 
and  bitterly  complained  about  the  unkind  treatment  his 
poor  wife  and  bab^  had  received.  I  tried  to  explain  and 
apologize,  but  to  no  avail.  The  man  didn't  want  to  be 
pacified.  In  fact  he  and  his  family  left  in  a  huff 
without  even  having  finished  their  meal. 

Two  days  later  the  general  manner  handed  to  me  a 
letter,  addressed  to  the  floor  manager  of  the  dintferoom. 
Despite  the  fact  that  supposedly  I  was;dhis  floor  manager 
the  number-one-son-of-a-gun  had  opened  and  read  the  letter. 
Imitating  his  father,  he  disdained  any  comment.  By  giving 
me  the  silent  treatment  he  obviously  conveyed  to  me  that 
I  had  acted  very  stupidly.  He  was  right  at  that. 

Over  all  these  years  I  have  kept  this  letter  as  a 
reminder  how  thoughtless  even  a  well-meaning  person  can 
act  sometimes.  It  so  clearly  showed  the  gap  between  We«^t 
and  East.  Regrettably,  the  letter  had  no  return  address  and 
was  signed:  John  Doe. 

Perhaps  it  might  be  educational  -  although  its  li 
very  questionable  whether  or  not  you  like  to  be  educated  - 
if  I  let  yo^read  this  letter  in  full,  copying  it  exactly. 


The  Floor  Manager 
Great  Eastern  Hotel, 
Manila,  P.I. 

Dear  Sir: 

Before  leaving  our  home  last  night  with  my  family 
to  go  to  places  to  find  what  Christmas  joy  that  the  small 
children  could  have  more  than  my  humble  home  could  offer, 
we  were  in  full  Christmas  spirit.  Every  place  we  passed 
I  saw  smiling  faces  and  admiration  of  people  at  children 
and  mothers. 

We  never  had  the  intention  of  going  to  your  place 
believing  that  is  is  high  and  expensive  for  us.  But  this 
outing  for  children  is  just  once  a  year  and  that  we  saw 
outside  there  was  glittering  light  demonstrating  full 
Christmas  splendor  and  we  thought  that  it  would  be  heaven 
to  see  the  place.  We  presumed  there  in  your  place  there 
might  be  seen  more  infants  that  may  be  adding  glory  to 
the  place  if  that  night  was  really  intended  for  the  spirit 
of  Christmas  by  your  place.  From  the  ground  floor  up  -  up- 
up  to  our  surprise  ■  we  reached  the  top  of  town.  The 
light  we  saw  from  outside  gave  us  the  atmosphere  of  wel- 
come and  everything  was  perfect  until  we  finished  and 
enjoyed  the  courteous  services  of  the  waiter  who  was 
gracious  and  kind  to  the  small  children  especially.  Short" 
ly  after  a  while  when  I  was  in  the  Gentlemen's  room,  I 
was  called  by  a  waiter  and  before  I  could  reach  our 
table  the  poor  mother  filled  with  surprise  and  disappoint- 
ment  was  already  starting  for  the  door  and  explained  that 
you  have  certain  disapproval. 

Why  in  the  course  of  our  meal  the  infant  child  was 
breasting  and  now  and  then  eating  with  us  you  have  not 
called  my  attention.  I  saw  you  at  a  distance  walking  isles 
and  I  suppose  you  have  not  missed  to  see  my  group,  and 
having  seen  it  you  could  not  afford  to  miss  who  was  the 
head  of  the  group  it  being  with  a  father  and  a  mother. 
It  would  have  been  proper  if  you  had  given  me  a  timely 
information  of  your  objection  of  breasting  the  infant. 
You  told  me  when  I  approached  you  that  it  would  have  been 
proper  to  breast  the  child  in  the  ladies  room  (toilet). 

How  could  I  believe  as  you  told  me  that  you  have  had 
complaints  of  certain  precedents  if  there  is  ever  any  in 
your  place?  I  have  quite  seen  your  views  in  the  matter 
which  I  had  appreciated  and  yet  I  went  home  with  a  dis- 
appointed mother  when  I  informed  her  how  her  infant  should 
be  fed  (inside  the  toilet)  and  her  surprised  querry  was, 


■  iiHWuWi|rf4<-/gM 


liilii 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-    372   - 


Please,    don't   worryl    Nothing  came  of   It  I 


-  373  - 


Why?  I  told  her  of  course,  that  I  am  sorry  but  It  is  the 
policy  perhaps  of  the  manager  which  I  have  never  known 
before  in  my  life.  Only  with  the  spirit  of  Christmas  en- 
couraged me  to  take  the  whole  family,  minus  one,  to  your 
place,  and  you  should  have  considered  in  connection  with 
your  objection  that  you  have  approval  of  whole  family 
presence  according  to  your  advertisement 

At  3:00  A.M.  this  morning  I  had  a  troubled  spirit  as 
to  why  an  infant  should  be  breasted  in  toilet  room.  To  my 
humble  knowledge  so  far,  an  infant  is  entitled  to  better 
consideration  -  better  place  than  a  dinner  table  but  not 
in  a  toilet  room  where  neither  the  nursing  mother  nor  the 
infant  child  should  bear  to  inhale  the  offensive  odor.  To 
this  end,  I  have  greatly  felt  your  idea  of  social  dis« 
tinction.  I  am  sure  that  you  will  not  make  the  same  sug= 
gestion  to  a  European  mother.  I  know  just  as  well  that 
small  children  should  not  be  taken  out  for  dinner,  es= 
pecially  to  a  formal  gathering.  I  know  just  as  well  that 
your  place  is  a  public  eating  place  where  every  body  should 
be  welcomed.  If  there  was  ever  anything  against  your  policy, 
people  going  up  to  your  place  should  be  advised  properly 
in  due  time,  that  is,  before  they  ever  spend  any  money 
and  just  before  entering  the  dining  room.  When  you  raised 
the  objection  especially  not  direct  to  me  and  besides 
using  the  waiters  to  communicate  your  views  to  your  patrons 
is  absolutely  discourteous  and  undiplomatic.  Only  decency 
and  certain  consideration  held  my  patience.  Whatever  your 
reason  is,  last  night  was  one  dedicated  to  children  in  the 
name  of  Christ.  The  child  whom  you  saw  breasting  is  also  at 
the  same  time  table  feeding  as  stated  before  and  it  would 
be  an  injustice  to  treat  him  in  a  toilet  room. 

I  hope  that  the  same  occasion  shall  not  happen  with  me 
again  anywhere  -  but  at  such  Christmas  day  or  night,  until 
the  end  of  the  world,  children  ought  to  be  given  the  spirit 
of  Christmas  and  not  the  spirit  of  the  toilet  room,  other=» 
wise  nothing  but  the  worst  could  be  expected  to  the  end  of 
our  day.  I  assure  you  I  am  very  careful  in  going  to  places. 
With  the  help  of  other  people  of  course  I  was  quite  sure 
that  the  children  were  decently  dressed  enough  and  behaved 
well  enough  to  meet  the  requirement  of  the  night  and  your 
place. 

If  there  is  any  implied  immorality  of  indecency  in  the 
act  of  breasting  a  child,  there  is  several  times  more  in  the 
act  of  showing  almost  every  flesh  of  a  woman  in  the  acts 
of  your  floor  shows. 

If  there  is  an  important  matter  to  be  communicated  to 
a  patron,  I  hope  a  responsible  floor  manager  should  take 


• 


more  precaution  and  diplomacy  to  take  the  matter  strictly 
private  without  the  least  embarrassing  the  party  concerned 
even  before  the  eyes  of  the  waiters. 

Please  understand  that  I  am  writing  you  this  not  with 
the  spirit  of  any  pride  behind  me  for  to  tell  you  the  truth 
I  am  Just  depending  upon  what  my  daily  efforts  could  pro* 
duce,  but  I  am  writing  you  to  express  my  deep  sentiment  in 
celebrating  Christmas  -  for  the  children  -  In  the  name  of 
Christ.  And  in  His  name  I  shall  forget  what  had  happened 
as  that  day  He  has  brought  to  the  world  Peace  and  Good  Will 
to  men. 

Very  truly  yours, 

John  Doe . 

The  sad  fact  was  that  this  poor  manby  not 
signing  his  name  or  giving  his  address  deprived  me  from 
explaining  to  him  that  no||  affront  to  his  or  his  wife's 
dignity  had  been  Intended  and  that  It  had  not  entered  my 
mind  to  make  a  social  distinction  since  European  mothers 
did  not  nurse  their  babies  In  public.  To  this  day  I  regret 
my  error  of  having  Interfered  at  all  or  had  not  asked  the 
European  patrons  at  the  next  table  to  leave  If  they  were 
offended  by  the  natural  custom  of  the  country.  One  always 
learns  to^iate  and  then  only  through  one's  own  errors. 

The  last  and  final  offense  I  committed,  the  one  which 
terminated  my  job  at  the  Great  Eastern  Hotel,  was  the  most 
harmless  one.  I  made  the  mistake  of  telling  the  chef  to 
put  "apple  soup"  on  the  special  lunch  menu.  Please,  don't 
shake  your  head.  There  Is  such  a  soup.  Annie  had  the  brain- 
storm to  get  me  fired.  I  should  have  known  better.  Whenever 
Annie  gets  smart  Ideas,  they're  exceedingly  smart,  so  much 


mm.  mitmmmmmmtmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmim 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-   374  - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  caroe   of   it! 


-  375  - 


/ 


so  that  they  often  backfire.  When  I  complained  to  her  that 
I  never  had  a  new  Idea  in  regard  to  the  menus  I  had  to  okay, 
she  suggested  chilled  fruit  soups.  If  you  haven't  heard  of 
fruit  soup<J,  ask  a  German  hausfrau.  she  will  explain  how  to 
prepare  them.  In  any  event  -  to  me  it  seemed  to  be  a  grand 
idea  to  serve  ice  cold  fruit  soups  once  in  a  while  in  soupy- 
hot  Manila.  Any  kind  of  fruit  soup  from  cherries  to  apple 
is  delicious.  I  chose  apple  soup  for  a  starter  and  Annie 
wrote  down  the  recipe  for  me.  I  should  have  consulted  the 
general  manager  first,  but  I  didn't.  Instead  I  proudly  ex- 
plained the  dish  to  our  Chinese  chef  who  stared  at  me  as 
if  I  were  a  fugitive  from  an  insane  asylum.  He  and  I  were 
not  on  the  best  of  terms  and  he  must  have  foreseen  the 
kind  of  havoc  this  crazy,  unheard-of  soup  could  play  on 
unsuspecting  guests.  Without  a  doubt  he  must  have  sworn 
his  kitchen  help  and  the  waiters  to  total  secrecy.  Not 
a  soul  was  forewarned  of  this  culinary  inn<^,atlon.  So 
it  came  about  that  apple  soup/a^soup  de  1our>appeared  / 
on  the  next  day's  tiffin  menu. 

•      .   .                            automaticallv  wa*:/ 
As  usual  old  man  Ng  Tip  came  for  lunch  anTTt ^       - 


erved  the  special fy  nf/ 

*"*"*  i^S~lK~the  day.  The  trouble  was  that  I  had 

not  seen  Ng  Tip  enter  the  diningroom.  I  was  talking  to 
a  couple  of  guests  who  were  enthusiastic  about/fe  apple 
soup  which  they  had  never  eaten  before.  I  felt  proud  of 
myself  and  decided  to  put  a  fruit  soup  on  the  menu  once 


# 


a  week.  All  right,  Ng  Tip  was  served  his  soup  which  to 
him  might  have  looked  like  pea  soup,  the  color  being 
the  same.  It  was  his  habit  to  sprinkle  his  soup  with 
plenty  of  salt  and  pepper  without  even  tasting  It  first. 
And  so  he  did  with  the  apple  soup  which  was  sweet,  of 
course.  He  put  the  first  spoon' full  Into  his  mouth  and 
then  let  go  with  a  yell  of  protest  which  could  be  heard 
all  over  the  diningroom.  He  had  me  called  to  his  table 
for  the  first  time  since  I  had  been  working  there.  For 
a  few  chilling  seconds  he  stared  at  me  as  if  I  were  a 
monster  from  another  planet.  Then  he  threw  at  me  a  torrent 
of  Chinese  Invectives  which  luckily  I  didn't  understand. 
They  must  have  been  quite  juicy  because  all  the  Chinese 
waiters  including  the  cooks,  who  had  run  out  of  the  kitchen, 
grinned  from  ear  to  ear.  At  last  the  general  manager  (number- 
one-son)  was  called.  I  was  on  the  carpet  without  being 
given  the  opportunity  to  defend  myself.  Then  and  there 
I  was  fired  and  was  told  to  leave  at  once.  Since  I  was 
not  a  member  of  the  family,  I  couldn't  come  back  either 
the  rext  day.  Before  I  left,  though,  I  had  the  good 
sense  to  remind  the  number- one -son  that  according  to  ray 
contract  my  employment  could  be  terminated  only  on  a 
thirty  days  notice  by  either  party.  That  hit  a  sour  note 
in  that  man's  greedy  heart. 

He  told  me  with  deep  contempt  in  his  voice  that  a 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  376  - 


man,  who  dared  to  put  apple  soup  on  the  menu,  had  com- 
mitted a  culinary  crime  and  was  not  entitled  to  thirty 
days*  notice  and  severance  pay.  I  In  turn,  although  I 
knew  perfectly  well  that  as  a  stateless  person  I  had  no 
civic  rights,  threatened  him  with  a  law  suit.  The  long  and 
short  of  it  was  that  I  got  a  month's  severance  pay  al- 
though he  considered  me  a  blackmailer. 

However,  1  was  through  as  far  as  hotels  in  Manila 
were  concerned.  The  general  manager,  I  guess,  spread  the 
MttHH  word  that  1  was  a  lunatic  who  served  normal  guests 
outlandish  apple  soup.  As  it  was,  I  had  to  agree,  appleg 
soup  tastes  awful  if  spiced  with  pepper  and  salt.  The 
old  man  Ng  Tip  died  shortly  afterwards.  I  wondered,  if 
he  liked  devil's  cake  with  salt,  pepper  and  triturated 
brimstone.  The  latter  is  allegedly  a  speciality  in  hell 
according  to  Timothy. 


To  be  a  refugee  is  not  to  be  recommended 
by  any  standards,  but  to  be  a  jobless  refugee  is  the  kind 
of  calamity  to  be  avoided  by  all  means.  We  knew  where  we 
stood,  Annie  and  I.  We  did  not  expect  any  help  and  didn't 
ask  for  it.  Anyway,  we  weren't  yet  totally  destitute.  I 
still  had  that  one  month's  extra  salary  which  did  not 
eunount  to  much,  but  was  still  better  than  nothing.  Annie 

was  still  working  at  The  Little  Club  and  made  a  few  pesos 
each  night.  Altogether,  though,  we  had  to  turn  each  dime 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  377  - 


around  several  times  before  spending  it.  Yet,  the  little 
amount  of  money  we  had  dwindled  away  faster  than  water 
from  a  leaking  faucet.  We  had  to  keep  ourselves  in  decent 
clothing  for  appearance's  sake,  and  Annie's  professional 
wardrobe  could  not  be  neglected. 

We  were  at  a  low,  mentally  and  financially.  The  heat 
and  humidity  paralyzed  my  brain  and  though  1  tried  I  was 
unable  to  coax  it  into  action.  I  was  unable  to  write  any- 
thing.  The  white  s^et  of  paper  1  rolled  into  the  typewriter 
each  day  remained  white.  That  was  the  most  unbearable  aspect 
of  my  idleness.  If  I  can't  write,  I  don't  live. 

Besides,  at  this  time  we  were  most  concerned  about 
my  parents  who  were  still  living  in  Hamburg.  My  older 
sister, with  the  help  of  the  Nobel  Prize  awarded  writer 
Selma  Lagerloef,  had  immigrated  with  her  daughter  to 
Sweden.  My  younger  sister  and  her  husband,  who  had  had 
a  position  with  a  Swedish  firm  in  Germany,  had  been  trans- 
ferred to  Malmoe,  Sweden.  All  three  of  us  were  determined 
to  get  our  parents  out  of  Germany  before  it  was  too  late. 
The  Nazis  had  already  taken  over  my  father's  business,  but 
otherwise  had  left  him  alone.  Even  if  I  could  have  managed 

it,  it  would  have  been  murder  to  transplant  these  two  old 

wouldn' t/ 
people  to  the  horrid  climate  in  Manila.  They/flBHMI  have 

survived  it  for  long.  Moreover,  I  wasn't  financially  able 

to  take  care  of  them.  My  older  sister,  again  with  the  gen- 


-  379  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  378  - 


erous  help  of  Selma  Lagerloef,  succeeded  in  getting  them 
to  Sweden  Just  twenty-four  hours  prior  to  the  Infamous 
Crystal  Night,  when  mobs  In  organized  pogroms  all  over 
Germany  burned  synagogues,  destroyed  Jewish  property, 
beat  up,  killed  or  arrested  more  than  twenty- thousand 
innocent  Jews.  At  least,  we  were  spared  the  fate  of  so 
many  other  refugees  who  never  learned  where  and  when 
their  folks  were  tortured  or  gassed  to  death. 


Louis  Fischer  in  his  book  "This  is  your 

World"  wrote:  "It  takes  a  great  deal  of  resolution  to 

land/ 
break  with  your  native/HSHHI  ^"^  steal  away  into  a 

strange  world  whose  language  and  manners  you  do  not  know, 
and  where  you  will  have  no  friends  or  even  contacts  and 
may  starve  because  you  are  unskilled." 

This  truth  came  home  to  me  again  when  I  was  footloose 
in  Manila  after  the  apple  soup  affair.  The  sad  fact  was 
that  I  did  not  have  the  faintest  idea  how  and  where  I 
could  find  a  job  again. There  wasn't  a  deuce  of  a  chance 
that  I  would  be  hired  by  any  other  hotel  management.  Old 
man  Ng  Tip  and  his  nuraber-one-son  had  seen  to  that.  As  in 
all  of  East  Asia  none  other  but  so-called  executive  po- 
sitions were  open  to  foreigners,  but  what  kind  of  execu- 
tive position  could  I  seek?  I  had  no  experience  in  bi^li^iness 

or  in  any  other  specialized  professional  field-  but  in  the 


Please,  don't  worry'.  Nothing  came  of  If. 

world  of  cncertalnment.  Yet.  within  two  weeUs  n,y  problem 

.as  solved.  Instead  of  my  seeing  the  ^oh.  the  Joh  sought 

The  only  friends  we  had  made  in  Manila  were  another 

t^^     rii<:hi  st^od  for  Gustav. 
refugee  couple.  Gushi  and  Louise.  Gushi  sta 

,      A    <n  ShanEhai  just  two  days  prior  to  the 
They  had  arrived  in  Shangnai.  j 

,^^ack  of  the/  evacuated  with  us  on 

Japanese  armed  forces  and  had  been 

w  ,•!=>  Aside  from  the  one  suitcase  each 
the  Gneisenau  to  Manila.  Aside  rrom 

.  iwe  P«.ot,  on.  of  c.e  .ost  i.colUs.oc  bird,  o„.  couU 

1  ^v,a^^prbox  but  understood 
imagine.  That  bird  was  a  real  chatterbox. 

u-      »«„rh  shut  He  wouldn't  utter  a 
well  when  to  keep  his  mouth  shut. 

1„  Sh„ghai  .ad  out  asaln  In.o  ManiU.  Th.,  carried  t.ac 

w.  u  ►*,»«  keot  in  a  perforated  suit- 
poor  thing  in  a  cage  which  they  kept  in 

^hP  kind  of  people  who  could  manage 
case.  These  two  were  the  kind  or  p   h 

t-  ut^A   cnnke  onlv  German  and  low 
anything.  Naturally,  the  bird  spoke  only 

German  at  that. 

..„Uh  .vacua.,  to  HaU^ann's  .oatdios^ous..  T..fs  wH.t. 
„e  aotuaU,  ..t  t...  and  SOt  fti.ndl,  »lt^  on.  .not..r.  tH., 

.atta.1.  v.r.  .  P-  »'  """  "^  "'"^  '"  """"''  "'"' 

attjracted^/      _,^  ^^  ^^^  „^a  avis  category. 
I   always   felt/^^^^  ^  v     *■ 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  380  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  381  - 


As  we  all,  they  had  to  leave  Hellmann*s  boardlnghouse  and 
find  their  own  lodgings.  They  had  some  money  (at  least 
it  seemed  as  if  they  had)  and  so  could  afford  to  rent 
a  small  house  for  themselves,  which  of  course  made  them 
a  natural  target  for  a  cat  burglar.  Shortly  after  my 
watch  and  wallet  was  stolen,  some  one  broke  into  their 
house  and  took  most  of  their  clothing  as  well  as  the 
cage  with  the  bird.  That  to  them  was  a  major  catastrophe. 
After  all  the  effort  and  cunning  to  smuggle  the  bird  over 
half   the  world,  they  just  could  not  and  would  not  accept 
the  loss.  The  bird  was  their  most  cherished  possession, 
a  pet  they  had  had  for  a  long  time.  For  weeks  they  didn't 


give  up  searching. 


They  had  to  have  the 


cage  and  the  bird  back. No  parents  could  have  been  more 
grief-stricken  if  a  child  of  theirs  had  been  kidnaped. 
For  three  weeks  they  braved  the  horrible  heat  and  wandered 


from  one  street  to  the  other,  visiting  all  pet-  and 


pawn= 


shops  until  finally  one  day  their  perseverance  was  rewarded 
They  found  the  bird  in  the  cage  at  a  native  pawnshop.  The 
parrot  almost  died  from  excitement  at  seeing  them.  With= 
out  asking  any  questions  Gushi  paid  whatever  the  pawn 
broker  asked  and  bought  their  own  property  back.  Only 
then  they  confided  in  us.  As  much  as  they  loved  the  old 
bird,  It  had  been  the  cage  th^y  had  been  really  after.  It 
had  a  double  bottom  in  which  they  had  secreted  so  much 


valuable  jewelry  that  they  could  live  on  the  sale  of  it 
for  years  if  necessary.  Having  learned  their  lesson,  they 
rented  a  bank  deposit  box  for  the  jewelry.  Yet,  they  had 
taken  quite  a  chance  on  smuggling  all  of  it  out  of  Nazi- 
Germany.  If  the  Nazi  inspectors  would  have  discovered  the 
false  bottom  of  the  cage,  they' would  not  only  have  wrung 
the  neck  of  the  bird,  but  also  theirs. 

We  were  reminded  of  two  wealthy  Germans.  One  was  a 
bachelor,  the  other  one  was  married  and  had  two  teen-aged 
children.  Neither  one  of  them  was  Jewish,  but  they  both 
disliked  the  Nazis  enough  to  defy  the  laws  against  ex» 
porting  anything  of  value,  including  money.  They  were 
determined  to  get  out  of  Nazi-Germany  with  as  much  of 
their  property  as  they  could.  If  they  had  been  caught, 
they  would  have  faced  a  death  sentence. 

The  bachelor  had  an  ingenious  idea.  He  was  known  to 
transact  quite  some  business  in  Holland  and  there  was 
nothing  to  arouse  suspicion  for  him  to  travel  to  and 
from  Holland  several  times  a  year.  Any  profit  he  made 
in  Holland,  he  transferred  to  his  German  bank  account 
as  was  demanded  by  law.  Generally  his  chauffeur  drove 
him  across  the  border  in  his  expensive  car.  The  German 
border  guards  knew  him  well  and  most  often  they  just  waved 
him  along.  Prior  to  their  last  trip  to  Holland,  he  and 
his  chauffeur  replaced  in  the  man's  garage  at  home  all 


chrome  of  the  car  with  platinum  fixtures  which  they  had 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-    382   - 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   it  I 


-  383  - 


•• 


molded  themselves.  The  value  of  this  platinum  was  tremen- 
dous. As  usual  they  were  waved  across  the  border,  but  this 
time  they  didn't  return.  They  shipped  the  car  to  a  South- 
American  country  on  the  same  boat  they  took.  However,  they 
were  so  proud  about  tricking  the  smart-aleck  Nazis,  that 
later  they  told  the  story  to  a  correspondent  of  an  inter- 
national news  syndicate.  Their  escapade  made  headlines  and 
the  Nazis  were  furious.  From  then  on  the  chrome  of  each 
car,  crossing  any  German  border,  was  carefully  tested. 

The  married  man  had  for  years  taken  his  vacation  with 
his  family  in  Switzerland.  Mostly  he  sent  his  wife  and  iB 
children  ahead  and  followed  a  few  days  later.  The  Nazis 
had  no  reason  to  suspect  him  of  any  wrong-doing  because 
he  had  declared  officially  his  numbered  Swiss  bank  account 
as  he  was  supposed  to  do.  In  fact,  he  had  withdrawn  most 
of  the  money  on  request  of  the  Nazi  authorities  and  had 
deposited  it  in  a  German  bank.  Legally,  he  was  allowed  to 
keep  a  hundred  dollars  or  less  in  a  foreign  bank  account 
without  declaring  it.  After  his  family  had  safely  arrived 
in  Switzerland  for  their  annual  vacation  the  second  summer 
after  Hitler  had  usurped  power,  he  wrote  an  fBHHH^  un- 
signed letter  to  the  Gestapo  accusing  himself  of  having 
another^  undeclared  account  of  a  million  dollars  in  a 
Swiss  bank.  Two  days  later,  as  he  had  expected,  two  Ge- 
stapo agents  paid  him  a  visit  and  showed  him  the  anonymous 


letter.  He  acted  very  aggravated,  denying  that  he  had 
more  than  a  hundred  dollars  in  this  second  account.  The 
Gestapo  agents  didn't  believe  him,  as  he  had  hoped  they 
wouldn' t/. After  some  arguing  back  and  forth,  the  man 
suggested  that  he  personally  would  drive  the  two  agents 
in  his  own  car  to  Zuerlch  the  following  day  (he  lived 
only  a  hundred  kilometer  or  about  sixty- two  miles  from 
the  Swiss  border)  and  there  would  authorize  the  Swiss 
bank  to  show  the  account  to  these  two  doubting  men.  They 
fell  for  it.  The  next  day  they  crossed  the  German  border 
without  any  trouble  or  any  search  when  the  two  Gestapo 
agents  showed  their  credentials.  Once  they  had  arrived 
in  Zuerich,  the  man  changed  the  tune.  He  tj^old  the  two 
agents  that  they  could  go  to  hell.  Neither  he  nor  his 
family  would  return  to  Nazi-Germany.  He  lifted  the  back 
seat  of  his  car,  under  which  he  had  stowed  several  millions 
of  German  Mark,  equivalent  to  more  than  a  million  American 
dollars.  In  fact,  thti  two  Gestapo  agents  had  been  sitting 
on  the  money  all  the  way.  This  man  and  his  family  took 
the  same  precaution  not  to  stay||  too  close  to  Germany  and 
left  Switzerland  for  America  twenty-four  hours  later.  This 
trick,  too,  couldn't  be  repeated  by  anyone  else.  One  could 
fool  the  Nazis  only  once. 

I  had  not  dared  to  take  along  a  single  Pfennig  more 

than  was  legally  permitted.' .  I  never  could  get  away  with 


anything.  I  wou^  have  been  caught  for  sure.  There  Is 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl      -  384  - 


always  a  police  car   around  the  corner  if  /y  mistake  I 
drive  through  a  red  light.  When  it  comes  to  gambling  in 
any  form  whatsoever,  I'm  a  born  loser.  Even  blue  chip 
stocks  would  drop  disastrously  the  day  after  I  had  bought 
some.  I  tried  it  once  and  never  again.  No  -  I  strictly 
leave  the  stock  market  alone  ,  having  no  desire  to  be 
responsible  for  a  nationwide  financial  catastrophe  - 
although  I  could  invest  only  a  small  amount  of  money. 
Besides  gambling,  playing  cards  or  games  of  any  kind 
bore  me  and  I'm  never  bored  otherwise.  It's  a  waste  of 
time  as  far  as  I'm  concerned. 


One  late  evening  ,  after  I  had  been  fired 
from  the  Great  Eastern  Hotel,  the  four  of  us  -  Louise, 
Annie,  Gushi  and  I  -  were  sitting  together  in  the  Legaspi 
Gardens.  It  must  have  been  a  Monday  night  because  that 
was  Annie's  only  night  off. 

The  Legaspi  Gardens  was  an  outdoor  restaurant  -  the 
only  one  in  Manila  -  situated  at  one  end  of  the  Bay  where 
after  eleven  in  the  evening  a  slight  breeze  tried  to  cool 
us  off,  or  at  least  so  we  imagined.  The  phosphorescent 
water  gently  lapped  against  the  shore.  All  in  all,  it 
was  romantic  and  peaceful.  The  two  German  owners  of  this 
place  boasted  that  they  served  the  biggest  glass  of  beer 
In  the  world.  It  might  well  have  been  true.  Their  round- 


Please,  don't  worry'.  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  385  - 


• 


# 


bellied  glasses  must  have^been  large  enough  to  hold  a 
gallon  of  foaming,  ice-cold  beer. 


Gushi,  who  looked  like  a  cashiered  Prussian  officer 

affected  the  behaviorism/ 
with  a  brush-moustache  and/t 


of  a  mis= 


placed  comedian,  told  us  that  two  Austrian  brothers,  who 

had  been  living  in  Japan  for  many  years,  were  planning  to 

open  the  first  5  &  10  C  store  on  the  Escolta,  Manila's 

main  business  street.  They  had  an  uncle  in  New  York  who 

with  a  partner  owned  a  whole-sale  firm,  specializing  in 

merchapise  for  dime  stores.  One  of  the  two  brothers  would 

later  return  to  Japan  and  the  merchandise  for  the  Manila 

be  importedy 
store  would^HSlfromNew  York  and  Japan.  The  surprise 

was  that  Gushi  had  already  been  hired  as  office  manager 

for  the  Manila  store. 

He  announced  grand-eloquently  that  he  had  recommended 
me  for  the  job  as  store  manager.  To  say  the  least,  I  was 
dumb- founded  while  Annie  was  enthusiastic  about  it.  She 
believed  I  could  do  anything.  Of  all  the  Jewish  refugees 
in  Manila  I  was  the  only  one  without  any  business  exJDerience 
I  never  had  handled  a  piece  of  merchandise  in  my  life.  But 
that's  how  it  was  in  the  Far  East.  Topsy-turvey . 

As  it  happened,  that  same  evening  the  two  brothers 
and  a  party  had  also  a  table  at  the  Legaspi  Gardens.  It 
was  a  matter  of  being  at  the  right  place  at  the  right 


mome 


nt.  Gushi  introduced  me  and  then  and  there  I  was 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl-^ 


-  386  - 


hired  as  manager  of  "The  Continental  5  &  10  centavos 
Store"  without  having  lifted  a  finger.  The  salary  was 
a  little  better  than  the  one  I  had  received  at  the  Great 
Eastern  Hotel.  Stupid  as  I  always  was  and  am  when  it  comes 
to  self-promotion,  I  made  a  feeble  attempt  to  explain  my 
non-know-how.  It  didn't  break  any  ice.  Both  brothers 
assured  me  that  I  looked  sufficiently  intelligent  to 
learn  and  they  expected  me  to  report  for  work  the  next 
morning  at  nine. 

Man  ol}  man,  did  I  learn  I  The  first  thing  I  learned 
was  that  no  one  else  (including  the  two  brothers  and 
Gushi)  knew  anything  about  the  operation  of  a  5  &  10  cent 
store  either.  The  bosses'  uncle  in  New  York  had  written 


them  a  general  information  letter  how  to  run  such  a 

had/ 
store  and  that  was  all  they/to  go  by.  The  second  thing 

I  learned  was  that  no  one  ever  should  physically  work 
hard  in  a  tropical  climate.  I  was  sweating  my  heart  and 
soul  out  while  we  were  getting  the  store  ready  for  open- 
ing. The  third  thing  I  learned  already  before  the  opening 
day  was  that  kleptomania  was  a  wide-spread  disease.  And 
the  last  thing  I  learned  was  that  I  wasn't  cut  out  to  be 
a  businessman. 


-# 


I  certainly  had  not  cared  too  much  for  my  job  at 
the  Great  Eastern  Hotel  after  the  way  I  had  been  spoiled 


at  the  Casanova,  but  being  a  businessman  was  something  I 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  387  - 


soon  began  actually  to  loathe  and  although  I  was  damned 
to  be  one  for  many  years  I  never  did  enjoy  it.  I  guess, 
I  lacked  and  still  lack  the  right  amount  of  greed  to 
make  a  buck  for  the  sake  of  making  a  buck.  I  have  no 
reverence  for  money.  All  I  know  is  -  never  to  spend  more 
than  I  have  and  rather  do  without  if  we  cannot  pay  cash 
for  whatever  we  like  to  buy.  Crazily,  as  a  result  of 
this  "square"  attitude  I  don't  have  any  credit  rating. 
One  has  to  borrow  to  the  hilt  and  more  In  order  to  be 
recognized  as  a  good  credit  risk.  So  -  I  became  a  business- 
man and  had  to  concern  myself  with  money  without  knowing 

neither/ 
what  it  was  all  about.  The  fact  remained  thatymerchandise 

fllWMflM  IB  iltf/customers  |^ver  appealed  to  me.  How- 
ever, as  St.  Augustin  had  said:  "Necessitas  non  habet 
legem"  -Necessity  knows  no  law. 

Once  I  had  started  and,  knowing  that  I  had  no  other 
choice,  I  faked  enthusiasm  to  cover  my  aversion.  Without 
that  job  we  would  have  been  in  a  very  bad  way  as  were  most 
other  refugees  who  envied  Gushi  and  me. 

The  strange  truth  was  that  I  really  became  an  ef- 
fective 5  &  10c  store  manager  under  the  possibly  worst 
conditions.  None  of  the  sales  personnel  we  engaged  had 
ever  worked  in  a  store,  leave  alone  our  kind  which  was 
the  first  one  in  Manila  or  in  the  Philippine  Islands 
altogether.  I,  who  needed  training  myself,  was  charged 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  388  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  389  - 


# 


with  training  them.  It  was  like  the  lame  leading  the  blind. 
By  trial  and  error  we  arrived  at  certain  routines  which 
we  improved  as  we  went  along.  Luckily,  I  found  a  fairly 
smart  Filipino  assistant  who  spoke  English.  He  lorded  it 

over  the  girls  like  a  pashaf  with  a  harem.  So  to  speak  I 

was  / 
had  to  keep  him  on  the  leash  because  he/^ther  too  reliable 

nor  too  honest.  Yet,  I  never  caught  him  with  his  hands  in 
the  till.  Soon  after  we  had  opened  the  store  we  had  to 
Increase  the  prices.  This  store  with  merchandise  dis- 
played openly  on  counters  was  too  much  of  a  temptation. 

Our  loss  from  shoplifting  amounted  to  twenty  percent 

vigilance/ 
despite  my/HBTT?^  a  desk  on  an  elevated  platform.  If 

I  caught  a  culprit,  I  gently  took  the  stolen  merchandise 
and  let  her  or  him  go  or  we  would  have  had  mayhem  every 
day.  The  salesgirls  were  either  blind  or  sometimes  In 
cahoots  with  the  shoplifters  and  so  was  my  assistant.  He. 
however,  was  smart  enough  to  catch  one  once  In  a  while, 
making  much  more  of  a  show  of  it  than  we  liked.  After  all, 
shoplifting  is  an  international  illness. 

Of  course,  anywhere  in  the  world  truck  drivers  are 
a  human  breed  of  their  own.  The  legend  that  wherever  they 
stop  to  eat  the  food  is  good  is  a  myth  according  to  some 
research  of  my  own.  I  call  my  stomach  as  a  witness  to 
testify  that  wherever  truck  drivers  stop  to  eat  the  food 
is  rough  and  tough.  But  that  is  getting  off  on  a  tangent. 


i 


The  Manila  truck  drivers  were  not  only  a  breed  of  their 
own,  but  together  with  their  helpers  destructive  savages. 
They  had  the  most  simple  method  of  unloading  crates  and 
cartons.  The  first  delivery  we  got  turned  out  to  be  a 
major  disaster.  Twelve  crates  of  cheap  china-  and  glass- 
were  pushed  off  the  truck  and  dumped  on  the  pavement  in 
the  alley  behind  the  store.  They  became  twelve  crates  of 
broken  bits  and  pieces  of  china-  and  glass-ware.  I  lost 
my  temper;  Gushl  lost  his  temper;  and  the  bosses  just 
tore  whatever  hair  they  had  left  on  their  heads  out  by 
the  roots.  I  threatened  the  truck  driver  and  his  helper 

that  I  would  shoot  them  the  next  time  if  this  performance 
would  be/ 
^■9  repeated.  Gushl  threatened  to  shoot  me,  and  the  bosses 

not  only  threatened  to  shoot  all  of  us,  but  also  started 

a  law  suit  for  recoverey  of  the  loss.  It  was  bedlam  and 

mayhem  all  together.  However,  I  didn't  take  any  further 

chances  and  hired  a  kid  whom  I  posted  as  a  spy  at  the 

entrance  to  the  alley.  He  had  nothing  else  to  do  but  to 

run  and  call  me  or  Gushl  at  the  approach  of  a  truck. 


The  highlight  of  each  day  were  the  couple 
of  hours  between  my  coming  home  from  work  in  the  evening 
and  Annie  leaving  for  her  job  at  the  nightclub.  It  wasn't 
much,  but  all  day  we  looked  foirward  to  these  two  hours  of 


Please,  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  390  - 


togetherness.  The  nights  until  Annie  returned  toward  morn- 
ing were  lonesome  for  me  and  I  filled  some  of  thera  by  writ' 
ing  short  stories  and  articles,  maybe  two  or  three  a  month 
Some  of  them  my  older  sister  sold  in  Europe  (except  in 
Nazi-Germany  or  occupied  countries  of  course) .  She  had 


established  herself 
in  Stockholm. 


as  a  literary  agent 

m  always/ 

Jne  was/in  financial  troubles 


and  quite  often  Mi  1  didn't  see  a  cent  of  whatever  she 
got  paid  for  my  literary  efforts.  Later  on,  after  my 
father  had  died  and  my  mother  was  living  with  her,  I 
compelled  her  to  sign  a  contract  with  me  that  any  money 
due  me  had  to  be  handed  over  to  my  mother  who  otherwise 
wouldn't  have  had  a  cent  of  her  own.  A  few  of  my  articles 
I  managed  to  sell  myself  to  Jewish  periodicals  in  America. 
They  either  paid  very  little  or  nothing  at  all.  Still,  I 
didn't  stop  writing.  It  kept  my  sanity  intact  and  improved 
my  English  more  and  more.  These  hours  of  writing  fulfilled 
a  good  purpose.  They  banned  my  loneliness  (I  felt  always 
lonely  without  Annie  around)  and  kept  me  in  the  profession 
I  loved  best. 

One  of  my  articles  paid  off  very  well,  although  not 
in  money.  I  received  a  letter  from  a  man  in  New  York  who 
had  read  and  liked  it.  He  turned  out  to  be  a  relative  of 
mine  on  my  father's  side.  Two  of  my  father's  older  brothers 
had  emigrated  to  America  long  before  I  was  bom^ 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  391  - 


I  replied  to  his  letter  and  a  regular  correspondence 
developed  between  us.  When  the  time  came  and  although 
he  didn't  know  us  personally,  he  willingly  provided  us 
with  an  affidavit  without  which  (despite  Professor  Ein- 
stein's personal  recommendation)  we  might  not  have  ob- 
tained United  States  immigration  visas.  This  man  wasn't 
blessedwith  much  earthly  goods,  but  he  had  a  heart  of  gold 
To  our  deeply  felt  sorrow  he  died  shortly  after  we  had 
come  to  America. 


My  conviction  that  the  Far  East 


would  be 


embroiled  in  an  all-out  war  of  aggression  by  the  Japanese 

remained  unchanged,  the  same  as  I  had  predicted  in  my  book 

"Cold  Pogrom"  that  Hitler  would  go  on  a  rampage  in  Europe. 

Dictatorial  and  military  regimes  as  those  in  Nazi-Germany 

and  Japan  could  only  cover  up  their  dishonest  leadership 

by  aggressive  wars.  The  same  applies  now  to  the  Soviet 

Union  and  Red  China. 

Therefore  Annie  and  I  had  only  one  goal  to  leave  Manila 

could/ 
as  soon  as  we  possibly/manage  it.  We  had  no  intention  of 

being  caught  in  this  war,  in  particularly  not  since  we  had 
been  lucky  to  get  out  of  Nazi-Germany  and  China  in  time. 
Our  luck  could  be  stretched  only  so  far  and  not  farther. 
Naturally,  everybody  with  whom  I  talked  ab^ut  my  premo- 
nition, if  one  can  call  it  that,  indulgently  smiled  at 
me  as  if  I  were  not  quite  right  in  my  mind.  Yet,  it  was 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-   392   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-  393  - 


there  for  everyone  to  see  like  the  biblical  handwrit- 
ing on  the  wall:  "Me-ne,  Me-ne,  Tekel,  U-Phar-Sin"  - 
God  has  numbered  Thy  kingdom,  and  finished  it. 

Our  friend  Gushi  in  particular,  who  -  like  most  people 
who  talk  too  much  -  had  little  wisdom, failed  to  understand 
our  urge  to  quit  the  Philippines  and  the  Far  East  alto- 
gether and  go  to  America  before  it  was  too  late.  He  con- 
stantly tried  to  dissuade  me.  After  all,  he  pointed  out 

again  and  again,  1  had  a  good  thing  going  for  me  in 

store/ 
Manila,  a  job  with  a  future.  The  Manila/was  only  the  first 

in  a  chain  and  I  could  rise  to  general  manager^  of  all 
stores  and  so  on.  What  did  I  expect  to  achieve  in  America? 
There  was  a  depression  and  plenty  of  unemployment.  Be- 
sides, the  Japanese  would  never  dare  to  attack  the  Phili- 
ppines, he  claimed  as  so  many  others  did.  They  couldn't 
win  a  war  with  the  United  States  and  they  knew  it.  As 
it  turned  out,  the  Japanese  didn't  know  it  (the  same 
as  Soviet  Russia  doesn't  seem  to  know  it  now).  Their 
kingdom  was  numbered  as  that  of  Hitler's  and  Mussolini's. 
I  even  believed  then  and  believe  now  that  all  dictator- 
ship nations  are  doomed  from  the  start  and  that  includes 
Soviet  Russia,  Red  Ghina,  Franco's  Spain  and  the  Arab 
nations.  No  people  can  be  kept  in  spiritual,  -mental  and 
political  8 lavot^  forever.  In  these  countries,  too,  the 

handwriting  is  on  the  wall  and  the  days  of  their  existence 


# 


are  numbered.  Their  power  will  be  broken  before  the  end 
of  this  century  because  their  rulers  try  in  vain  to  silence 
the  voices  of  the  thinkers  in  their  midst,  and  despite  all 
their  efforts  and  momentary  success  in  brainwashing  some 
of  the  youth  in  the  world,  the   great  awakening  is  in  the 
cards . 

Gushi 's  assurance,  that  I  didn't  know  a  good  thing 
when  I  had  it,  didn't  convince  me,  but  neither  did  I  con- 
vince him.  He  stayed  while  we  left.  He  stayed  and  was 
killed  in  the  holocaust  of  Japanese  aggression.  Louise 
got  out  after  the  war,  and  we  met  her  again  in  Los  Angeles 
and  then  she  disappeared  as  if  some  unknown  fate  had 
swallowed  her  up. 

Well,  I  knew  I  had  to  start  somewhere  to  get  things 
moving  in  my  direction.  I  couldn't  sit  still  and  expect 
God  to  do  everything  for  us.  We  always  have  to  help  our- 
selves if  we  want  God  to  help  us.  But  the  knowledge  that 
God  was  on  our  side  was  all  the  impetus  we  needed.  I  wrote 
to  a  Jewish  Publication  Company  in  America,  querying  if 
they  would  be  interested  in  reading  the  manuscript  of  my 
book  although  I  had  written  it  in  German. Strangely  enough, 
I  knew  of  no  other  publis/fing  firm  in  America  aside  from 
Covici-Friede.  When  first  I  had  sought  advice  from  Pro- 
fessor Einstein,  he  had  replied  in  German  which  I  trans- 
late here:  "I've  got  to  tell  you  that  I  myself  had  very 


..'ma-^m^  ^}iwWMLa.ik,^tiihiinM—[j"i'i  »*' 


Pbease,   don*C  worry!   Nothing  came  of    it! 


-  394  - 


unfavorable  experiences  with  Covici-Friede .  Be  anyway 
very  careful  with  American  publishers." 

How  could  I  be  careful  from  so  far  away?  All  that 
counted  was  to  find  a  publisher  willing  to  accept  the 
book  and  trust  1  would  be  offered  a  fair  contract.  It 
was  quite  important  for  me  to  get  a  real  literary  start 
in  America,  a  foothold  so  to  speak.  This  was  one  of  the 
greatest  mistakes  in  my  life  although  without  the  advance 
payment  this  publishing  firm  wired  to  me,  I  might  not  have 
been  able  to  pay  our  ship  fare  in  full  to  America  and  so 
it  fulfilled  a  definite  purpose.  Nonetheless,  I  had  chosen 
the  wrong  publishers  -  as  I  found  out  too  late.  At  the 
time  of  publication  theU  did  nothing  to  advertise  the 
book.  In  other  hands  -  as  I  will  prove  later  -  the  book 
might  have  done  much  better.  It  was  the  right  book,  coming 
out  at  the  right  time.  When  many  years  later  I  tried  to 
be  released  from  my  contract  in  order  to  sell  it  again 
to  a  foreign  publishing  house,  I  was  refused  despite  the 
fact  that  it  had  no  value  for  them  anymore.  The  trouble 
was  that  they  had  taken  out  the  copyright  in  their  name. 

In  my  letter  to  the  Jewish  Publication  House  I  had 
enclosed  the  Foreword  to  my  book  which  as  I  hoped  would 
arouse  their  interest  in  wanting  to  read  the  manuscript 
in  its  entirety.  I  must  emphasize,  though,  that  the  book 
was  written  prior  to  Hitler's  execution  of  total  genocide. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  395  - 


• 


"I  began  this  novel."  so  the  Foreword  reads,  as 
translated  by  a  man  who  later  on  in  his  own  books  claimed 
my  book  as  credit  for  himself,  "in  the  first  year  after 
my  emigration  from  Germany  and  completed  it  in  the  second. 
I  wrote  it  in  Shanghai,  in  a  small  attic  room  which  con- 
stantly reminded  me  of  a  prison  cell. 

"One  evening  close  friends  related  to  me  the  tragic 
history  of  the  Selig  family,  whom  they  had  known  in  Berlin. 
I  realized  then  that  the  fate  of  the  Seligs  was  material 
for  a  novel  describing  the  actual  plight  of  the  Jews  in 
the  Third  Reich.  For  this  true  story  of  a  Jewish  family 
clearly  belies  the  National-Socialist  statement,  'Nothing 
is  happening  to  the  Jews  in  Germany'.  Nothing  is  happen- 
ing to  the  Jews  in  Germany  except  that  they  are  losing 
their  means  of  livelihood;  that  they  are  driven  out  of 
professions  which  they  have  pursued  honorably;  that  they 
are  maligned  and  execrated.  They  are  being  murdered  slowly, 
without  benefit  of  pogroms  in  the  White  Russian  and  Polish 
manner.  They  are  merely  being  put  out  of  the  way  -  one  by 


one. 


"I  have  intentionally  described  the  events  in  Germany 
shortly  before  and  after  1933  as  they  affected  average 
people  of  the  Jewish  faith  who  had  no  political  interests. 
It  is  only  in  the  introduction  to  each  section  of  the 
book,  that  I  have  placed  my  own  thoughts.  These  intro- 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  carae  of  It! 


-  396  - 


ductions  serve  as  the  general  background  and  the  scenery 
on  the  stage  of  the  National-Socialist  horror-drama." 

To  be  sure,  I  had  great  hopes  that  the  editors  would 
request  to  see  the  manuscript.  I  was  wrong,  but  so  were 
they  if  they  thought  I  would  take  *'No"  for  an  answer.  I 
received  a  relatively  quick  reply  from  them,  informing 
me  that  their  list  for  the  coming  season  was  filled  and 
that  they  were  not  interested  in  reading  the  book  at  all. 
Publishers  find  more  excuses  for  not  reading  or  accepting 
manuscripts  than  a  determined  virgin  for  not  letting  a  man 
creeping  into  her  bed.  And  yet  -there  are  more  dull,  poorly 
plotted  and  written  books  published  than  good  and  inter= 
esting  ones.  Quite  often  the  determining  factor  for  accept= 
ing  or  rejecting  a  manuscript  for  publication  is  not  the 
literary,  historical  or  social  value  (unless  the  author 
has  already  a  name  for  him-  or  herself) ,  but  the  violence 
and  sordid  sex  it  contains  which  in  their  estimate  increases 


the  commercial  feploitation  of  a  book.  That  is  why  the  fil 
and  TV  industry  as  well  as  the  book  publishers  cater  more 
and  more  to  the  mediocre  minds  and  the  carnal  and  gory 
emotions  of  the  masses  of  the  asses.  More  often  than  not 
the  criterium  is  left  to  the  literary  uneducated  sales- 
manager  instead  of  the  literary  educated  editors.  As  no 
producer  can  pre-judge  the  success  or  failure  of  a  screen, 
TV  or  stage  play,  so  can  no  book  editor  predict  for  sure 


m 


which  book  will  hit   the  best  seller   list.    Even  violence 


Please,   don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  397  - 


and  sex  don't  always  suffice.  The  preponderance  defies 
any  experience. 

As  far  as  1  was  concerned,  I  didn't  care  whether  or 
not  the  list  of  this  publisjing  firm  was  filled,  whether  or 
not  they  were  interested.  1  believedi^simpleton  as  I  still 
was,  that  I  was  entitled  to  their  benefit  of  the  doubt 
which  only  could  be  determined  by  the  evaluation  of  the 
entire  ma][iscript.  1  almost  wish  I  could  say  again  "Please, 
don't  worry^  Nothing  came  of  itl",  but  I  can't.  If  they 
had  rejected  the  book  after  reading  it,  1  would  have  been 
compelled  to  a^t  more  sensibly.  In  my  ignorance  and  over- 
whelming desire  to  get  published  in  America,  no  matter  how 
and  where,  I  trapped  myself.  1  was  too  impatient  to  take 
the  time  and  make  the  effort  to  research  the  American 
publishing  market  and  then  submit  the  manuscript  to  an- 
other, more  aggressive  firm.  This  particular  book  was  hot  s 
at  that  particular  time  as  years  later  one  of  the  editors 
of  a  now  defunct  national  magazine  confirmed. 

But  all  this  is  hindsight.  1  was  well  aware  of  the 
many  obstacles  one  had  to  surmount  in  order  to  obtain 
immigration  visas  to  the  United  States.  The  publication 
of  my  book,  so  I  believed,  would  greatly  aid  us  in  this 
endeavcyir.  The  sooner  I  could  get  a  publishing  contract, 
the  better  were  our  chances.  This  was  a  fixation  of  my 
wishful  thinking.  Time  -  so  I  was  convinced  -  was  running 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  398  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  399  - 


out  fast.  Besides,  obstacles  had  never  deterred  me  from 
going  ahead.  As  far  as  my  thinking  went,  obstacles  were 
there  to  be  surmounted.  The  rest  was  in  the  hands  of  God 


And  so  God  willed  it  that  one  morning  I 
received  two  significant  letters  in  the  same  mail  -  one 
came  from  Mr.  Wong  in  Shanghai  and  the  other  from  the 
American  Vice  Consul  in  Manila. 

Wong  offered  me  my  job  back.  Life  in  Shanghai,  so 
he  wrote,  had  returned  to  normal  under  the  Japanese  occu» 
pation.  The  Casanova  like  all  other  places  of  entertain- 
ment was  doing  all  right. 

The  American  Vice  Consul  wrote:  "This  office  re* 
ceived  from  the  American  Consulate  General  in  Shanghai 
information  generally  favorable  to  your  application  for 
immigration  visas.  The  Consulate  will  be  pleased  to  dis= 
cuss  with  you  further  steps  to  the  preparation  on   your 
application." 

The  decision  was  an  easy  one.  There  was  no  going 
back  to  Shanghai  -  even  if  friends  there  had  not  advised 
us  in  letter  after  letter  against  returning.  Moreover,  it 
was  our  belief  that  the  past  never  repeats  itself.  Our 
hearts  were  set  on  becoming  American  citizens. 

The  American  Vice  Consul  was  as  good  as  his  word.  He 
received  us  a  few  days  later  and  in  the  most  friendly  manner 


advised  us  of  the  steps  we  had  to  take  before  he  could 
issue  immigration  visas  for  us.  The  Inspectcur  de  la 
Police  Francais  in  Shanghai  had  given  the  American  Consul 
in  Shanghai  a  clean  bill  of  our  honesty.  We  had  proved  that 
we  could  stand  on  our  own  feet  under  the  most  adverse  cir- 
cumstances. All  in  all  there  was  no  reason  to  refuse  us 
entry  into  the  United  States  if  we  could  produce  an  affi** 
davit  by  an  American  citizen  in  good  standing,  preferably 
a  relative  of  ours. 

We  left  the  American  Consulate  in  high  spirits.  Every- 
thing seemed  to  go  our  way  thanks  to  the  good  offices  of 
God.  My  father's  relative  readily  consented  to  sponsor  us. 

Several  weeks  went  by  until  we  heard  from  him  again 
by  cable,  informing  us  that  he  would  air-mail  his  affidavit 
via  the  next  Hawaii  Clipper  which  flew  to  Manila  once  a 
week. 

Indeed,  everything  seemed  to  go  our  way,  but  not  the 
affidavit.  This  particular  Hawaii  Clipper,  which  was  suppos" 
ed  to  carry  our  aff>tdavit,  disappeared  on  the  high  seas 
between  Guam  and  the  Philippine  Islands  and  was  never  heard 
from  again.  We  were  frantic  and  spent  the  money  for  a  cable 
to  our  relative  in  New  York  to  fill  out  another  affidavit. 
We  worried  too  soon  as  one  always  doo^.  The  affidavit  arrlv 
ed  with  the  next  clipper.  Through  an  unforeseen  delay  the 
document  had  been  mailed  with  the  clipper  after  the  one 
that  disappeared.  My  mother  had  always  maintained  that 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  400  . 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  401  - 


nothing  was  good  without  some  mishap.  Maybe  she  was  right. 
At  least,  she  was  In  this  case.  The  American  Vice  Consul 
accepted  the  affidavit  as  valid,  especially  since  a  few 
weeks  later  It  was  augmented  by  a  letter  of  reconmendatlon 
from  Professor  Einstein. 

In  fact,  I  had  written  to  the  professor  for  such  a 
letter  as  an  added  precaution  in  case  the  affidavit  of 
our  relative  was  not  sufficiently  convincing.  His  good 
heart  could  never  refuse  an  honest  plea  for  help. 

One  morning  the  Vice  Consul  called  me  with  the  news 
that  he  had  received  a  letter  from  Professor  Einstein, 
but  It  had  been  written  in  German  and  would  I  please 
come  over  and  translate  it.  It  was  a  strange  fact  that 
the  good  professor,  whose  genius  was  completely  unique 
In  the  world  of  science,  was  In  many  ways  a  very  naive 
man.  It  never  occurred  to  him  that  the  German  language 
was  not  understood  by  any  Intelligent  person.  Besides, 
being  Professor  Albert  Einstein  he  could  write  In  any 
language,  even  Sanscrit,  if  he  wanted  to.  His  name  alone 
carried  enough  weight  that  the  recipient  of  one  of  his 
letters  would  certainly  have  It  translated.  I  had  little 
doubt  that  this  letter  decisively  added  to  the  fact  that 
we  were  granted  American  Immigration  visas  as  long  as  all 
legal  formalities  were  fulfilled.  This  was  my  translation 
of  Professor  Einstein's  letter: 


*'To  the  American  Consul, 
Manila,  P.l. 

Dear  Sir, 

Today  I  learned  with  great  pleasure  that  the  f f^^avlt 
for  Max  L.  Berges  Is  now  at  hand.  Mr   B«>'^8es  Is  not 
only  a  talented  artist,  but  he  has  also  proved  him- 
self during  the  period  of  his  /emigration  that  he  is 
able  to  make  a  living  for  himself  and  his  wife   I 
consider  him  especially  worthy  for  an  in^igratlon 
into  the  U.S.A.  and  would  be  very  glad,  if  by 
Issuing  a  visa  his  wanderings  would  come  to  an 

end.  _,     , 

Sincerely, 

A.  Einstein." 
Well,  all  was  set.  Our  Vice  Consul  cabled 
JTTirlerican  Consul  General  in  Berlin  (for  which  1  had 
to  pay  thirty-five  pesos)  to  issue  us  two  quot^numbers 
which  were  granted  for  November,  some  four  months  hence. 
Yes,  all  was  set  with  the  exception  of  financing  the  trip. 
We  could  not  afford  to  book  a  berth  on  a  non-German  liner. 
My  parents  still  lived  in  Hamburg  and  my  father  succeeded 
in  liberating  a  certain  amount  of  money  from  my  blocked 
bank  account  to  be  transferred  to  the  North-German  Lloyd 
in  Bremen.  However,  this  amount  did  not  suffice  to  pay  for 
the  entire  trip  to  New  York.  The  German  government  wanted 

us  to. pay  some  foreign  currency.  Unless  we  came  up  with 

we/ 
five  hundred  American  dollars/*  »^uld  have  to  disembark 

in  the  middle  of  the  Straits  of  Gibraltar  since  no  German 

ships  stopped  at  any  Spanish  port  anymore  on  account  of 

the  Spanish  civil  war.  They  could  well  have  allowed  us 

the  full  amount  for  the  trip  to  New  York  from  our  blocked 


THE  INSTITUTE  FOR  ADVANCED  STUDY 

SCHOOL  OF  MATHEMATICS 
FINE   HALL 

PRINCETON.  NtWJERSLY 


f\nr.   0,..i 


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Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  402  - 


# 


account,  but  the  Nazi  government  was  very  keen  on  getting 

foreign  currency  wherever  possible.  Re-armlng  the  country 

for  a  total  war  was  a  very  costly  enterprise.  It  was  a 

dive  off/ 
ludicrous  blackmail.  We  couldn't  possibly/MIBI  Hm   the 

boat  and  swim  ashore  in  the  Straits  of  Gibraltar,  but 
was/ 

that/what  we  would  have  to  do  unless  we  came  up  with 
five  hundred  dollars. 


The   North-German   Lloyd   office    in 


Manila  re^ 


• 


served  a  cabin  second  class  for  us  for  departure 


on 


November  19th  (my  birthday  incidentally)  again  with  the 
SS  Gneisenau.  After  a  three  day  stay  in  England,  we  could 
proceed  on  the  SS  Europa  to  New  York.  Once  more  we  had  to 
travel  on  a  German  ship  and  it  scared  the  daylight  out  of 
us.  much  more  so  than  the  first  time.  Yet,  we  had  to  take 
that  chance  or  stay  in  Manila.  The  choice  was  not  ours^ 
and  all  we  could  do  was  to  trust  in  God  and  Timothy.  The 
reservation  was  to  be  held  open  until  October  31st.  On  or 
before  this  date  we  had  to  pay  the  balance  of  five  hundred 
dollars  which  we  didn't  have.  Besides,  we  had  to  have  a 
few  dollars  while  traveling  as  well  as  for  our  three  days 
stay  in  England  and  the  first  week  in  New  York. 

The  American  Vice  Consul  assured  us  that  all  will  be 
ready  by  the  second  half  of  October  when  he  would  stamp 
the  American  immigration  visas  into  our  German  passports  - 
and  there  we  hit  another  snag. 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of  it  I 


-  403  - 


Our  German  passports  were  not  valid  anytnore.  The 
German  Consulate  in  Manila  refused  to  re- Instate  them. 
For  a  while  it  was  a  stalemate  until  the  American  Vice 
Consul  got  into  the  act  and  demanded  of  the  German  Con- 
sulate to  validate  our  passports  until  January  4th.  After 
all,  the  Philippine  Islands  were  an  American  Protectorate 
and  it  was  expected  that  the  German  Consul  was  obliging 
in  such  a  small  matter.  The  German  Consul  changed  his 
mind  all  right  and  obliged.  All  we  had  to  do  was  to  make 
sure  that  we  entered  the  United  States  before  January  4th. 
I  believed  that  this  special  effort  by  the  American  Vice 
Consul  was  the  direct  result  of  Professor  Einstein's  letter. 

We  had  kept  mum  about  all  these  proceedings.  In  fact, 
we  had  not  even  confided  in  our  friends  Gushi  and  Louise  and 
neither  had  we  told  our  bosses.  We  had  to  make  sure  to  keep 
our  jtfbs  until  shortly  prior  to  our  departure.  We  needed 
the  money  we  earned. 

Indeed,  this  consideration  was  of  the  utmost  importance 
and  that's  why  my  boss  (one  of  the  two  brothers.  The  other 
one  took  care  of  their  business  in  Japan)  had  me  on  the  ropes 
when  out  of  the  blue  sky  he  asked  me  to  open  g|  on  September 
^irst  a  new  store  in  Iloilo  of  all  places.  It  was  to  be  the 
first  branch  store  of  a  chain  to  follow.  He  didn't  ginger 
me  up  at  all,  but  just  told  me  as  if  he  owned  me  like  a 

baseball  player  in  America  who  could  be  sold  to  another 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  404  - 


• 


• 


club  like  a  slave  in  olden  times.  I  certainly  wasn't  in  an 

invidious  position,  for  as  chary  as  I  was  about  telling  my 

boss  to  go  hang  himself,  as  chary  was  I  to  leave  Manila  for 

the  last  few  months  of  our  stay  in  the  Philippine  Islands. 

I  couldn't  accept  his  request  and  neither  could  I  reject  it 

altogether  if  I  wanted  to  keep  my  pay  checks  coming  until 

we  were  leaving.  I  had  to  compromise  and  so  asked  him  where 

the  hell  Iloilo  was  and  what  kind  of  place  it  is  anyway.  His 

explanation  that  Iloilo  was  the  capital  city  on  the  island 

of  Panay,  about  twenty- four  hours  by  ship  from  Manila,  did 

one/ 
not  mean  a  god-darned  thing  to  me.  There  was  no /else,  so  he 

said,  to  take  over  but  me.  I  had  acquired  the  know-how  and 

would  be  in  full  charge  of  the  store.  "For  how  long?"  I 

inquired.  The  boss  wouldn't  let  himself  be  pinned  down. 

That  did  it.  I  told  him  that  I  wouldn't  and  couldn't  go 

under  any  circumstances.  Annie  and  I  were  leaving  for  New 

York  on  November  19th  and  I  had  to  stay  in  Manila  until 

that  day. 

The  boss  was  a  stubborn  man.  Although  taken  aback, 

he  still  insisted  on  my  going  to  Iloilo^ 


at  least 


for  the  first  few  weeks. 


# 


Besides,  he  argued^ I  was  crazy  to  leave  the  Philippines 
where  I  had  a  good  job  and  always  would  have  one.  Anyway, 
what  would  I  be  doing  for  a  living  in  New  York  where  native 

Atifericans  were  jobless  by  the  thousands?  I  listened',  but 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of  It  I 


-  405  - 


that  was  all.  His  ranting  got  him  nowhere.  None  of  his 
arguments  held  any  interest  for  me.  I  remained  as  stubborn 
as  he.'  The  time  of  our  departure  for  New  York  was  set  for 
November  19th,  and  if  I  went  to  Iloilo  (the  name  alone  dis- 
turbed me  and  rightly  so  as  I  found  out),  I  had  to  be  back 
in  Manila  not  later  than  October  15th.  He  threatened  to 
fire  me  if  I  didn't  agree  to  stay  in  Iloilo  as  long  as  he 
needed  me  there  and  I  told  him  to  go  to  hell  for  as  long 
as  he  could  stand  it  there.  We  argued  off  and  on  for  several 

days  -  until  he  capitulated  by  agreeing  that  I  could  return 

that/ 
to  Manila  after  six  weeks  in  Iloilo  ancyhe  would  buy  a 


round-trip  ticket. 


I  was  to  open 


the  new  store  and  got  it  running  while  he  was  seeking  a 
replacement  for  me.  I  fell  for  it,  but  warned  him  that 
I  would  abandon  the  Iloilo  store  whether  or  not  he  had 
sent  a  replacement  for  me  at  least  a  week  prior  to  Ctetober 
15th.  He  said  that  I  was  the  original  son-of-a-bitch,  but 
that  was  all  right  by  me  as  long  as  he  kept  our  bargain. 

Naturally,  I  asked  around  about  Iloilo  and  what  I 
heard  wasn't  very  encouraging.  Everybody  advised  me  not 
to  take  Annie  along.  Since  I  was  going  for  six  weeks  only 
it  would  be  the  wise  thing  to  do  although  we  would  be  separ« 
ated  for  the  first  time  since  we  got  married.  I  cursed  my 
luck  that  my  boss  couldn't  have  waited  to  rent  the  Iloilo 
store  after  we  had  left.  I  hated  to  go  by  myself  without 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  oarae  of  it  I 


-  406  - 


Annie  and  she  worried  about  me  being  alone  in  this  strange 
town  of  Iloilo. 

The  travel  guide  I  consulted  didn't  say  much.  It  advis- 
ed the  reader  that  Iloilo  was  a  small  coastal  town  on  the 
island  of  Panay  across  from  the  island  of  Negros  and  that 
it  was  famous  (famous,  indeedl  Whoever  outside  of  the  Phili- 
ppines had  ever  heard  of  it?)  for  the  weaving  of  pina  cloth. 
What  pina  cloth  was  it  didn't  tell.  In  case  you  don't  know 
either,  Pina  cloth  is  woven  from  pine  apple  fiber  and  is 
used  for  native  dresses. 

During  the  seven  weeks  (notice:  Not  six  as  I  had  been 
promised)  I  had  to  stay  in  Iloilo  I  never  saw  anyone  weav- 
ing pina  cloth.  It  was  a  small  coastal  town  all  right,  but 
it  also  was  hell  on  earth.  And  I  mean  hell.  Even  Timothy 
agreed  with  me  and  he  had  had  a  glance  at  the  real  hell. 

My  boss  (may  he  never  be  named  in  this  book)  had  re- 
served for  me  Cabin  No.  15,  which  was  considered  the  most 
luxurious  on  the  flagship  of  the  De  La  Rama  Steamship  Com- 
pany. The  "Don  Esteban"  was  a  small,  very  small  luxury 
liner,  built  in  Germany.  She  ran  much  too  fast  for  her 
size  and  consequently  any  passenger  including  me  had  a 
heck  of  a  time  not  to  get  seasick  during  the  twenty  hours 
from  Manila  to  Iloilo.  I  was  to  leave  on  the  last  Monday 
of  July  at  3  p.m.  and  arrive  in  Iloilo  on  Tuesday  at  11  a.m. 
1  still  have  the  ■■  bar  chits  from  the  "Don  Esteban'/  but 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   iti 


-  407  - 


I  won't  tell  you  to  what  they  amounted.  Anyway,  I  had 
charged  them  to  my  boss.  I'm  not  a  drinking  man,  but  on 
this  occasion  I  turned  to  the  bottle  with  great  dedication. 
The  very  moment  we  started  to  move  away  from  the  dock  In 
Manila  and  I  saw  Annie  waving  good-bye  and  getting  smaller 
and  smaller,  I  longed  already  for  her.  IflBHHHBV  ■■■■I 

If  I  had  had  the  guts ^ I  would  have  jumped  overboard 
and  swam  back  to  her. 


Now  -  before  I  report  on  ray  adventures  in 
Iloilo  and  there  were  quite  a  number  of  them  -  I'll  have 
to  digress  as  I'm  wont  to  do  from  time  to  time.  No  mind 
works  in  straight  lines  and  mine  is  often  very  crooked 
when  it  comes  to  telling  tales. 

On  the  Saturday  prior  to  the  Monday,  on  which  I  was 
scheduled  to  leave  for  Iloilo,  I  received  an  airmail  letter 
from  my  father  in  which  he  beseeched  me  to  help  neighbors 
of  them,  O- Jewish  couple  about  our  age.  The  Gestapo, being 
in  the  habit  of  arresting  Jews  at  random,  had  taken  the  man 
away  at  night  and  sent  him  to  a  concentration  camp.  As  it 
was,  he  might  be  released  if  he  could  prove  that  he  and 
his  wife  would  be  able  to  emigrate  within  the  next  four 
weeks.  My  good-hearted  and  naive  father  (who  himself  was 
In  constant  danger  of  being  taken  into  "protective  custody" 

as  the  Nazis  so  euphemistically  called  their  nefarious 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  408  - 


treatment  of  innocent  Jews)  begged  me  to  do  whatever  I 
could  to  get  visas  for  them  so  that  they  could  come  to 
the  Philippines.  I  had  to  act  fast,  he  wrote.  Whatever  I 
would  do  for  these  two  people,  my  father  ended  his  letter, 
I  would  do  for  him.  But  what  could  I  really  do?  I  had  only 
a  weekend  left  in  Manila  and  besides  one  couldn't  get 
entry  visas  to  the  Philippines  simply  for  the  asking. 


However,  I 


never  would  have  refused  my  father,  who 


had  been  always  the  best  friend  I  ever  had,  and  so  I  raked 
my  brain  how  I  could  possibly  be  of  help.  I  saw  only  one' 
way  out.  I  airmailed  my  father's  letter  with  one  of  my 
own  to  friends  in  Shanghai  (which  according  to  Wong  was 
normal  again)  and  urged  these  friends  to  do  something, 
anything,  which  would  induce  the  Nazis  to  release  this 
man  and  let  the  two  people  go.  Perhaps  they  could  wire 
the  wife  that  a  job  was  waiting  for  her  husband  in  Shang- 
hai, whether  that  was  true  or  not. 

The  entire  episode  is  worth  reporting  only  because 
of  the  political  consequences  which  developed  from  it  and 
because  of  another  letter  I  wrote  years  later  in  which  I 
denounced  Coranunism  the  same  as  I  always  had  denounced 
Fascism.  Both  political  aberrations  are  always  bound  to 
meet  at  twelve  o'clock  if  they  start  at  six  with  Communism 
running  to  the  left  and  Fascism  to  the  right.  Their  so-called 
ideologies  are  basically  the  same  and  any  German- Jewish 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  409  - 


refugee^,  who  nowadays  fall*  for  the  extreme  lef twlng  move- 

are/ 
ment  in  America, /M  guilty  of  betrayal  -  not  only  betrayal 


of  the  country  which  gave  them  a  new  lease  on  life,  but  also 
betrayal  of  Judaism   and  the  Jewish  nation  of  Israel. 
Anyway,  these  two  letters  I  mailed  to  Shanghai 


were  shown  by  our  friend  to  another  friend  of  ours  who  as 

would  have/ 
chance/i 


it  knew  these  people  well.  He  had  gone  to 
school  in  Hamburg  with  the  man  who  now  was  in  a  c6ncen» 


tration  camp.  He  sent  a  wire  without  delay  in  which  he 

Job/ 
assured  that  an  immediate/Was  available  at  any  time  the 

two  people  would  arrive.  The  Nazis  let  the  two  people  go 

and  they  made  it  to  Shanghai  where  they  stayed  all  through 

the  war.  I  never  heard  from  them.  As  far  as  I  was  concerned 

the  matter  had  been  resolved.  After  the  war's  end  they 

emigrated  to  America  where  they  had  close  relatives.  I 

never  could  understand  why  they  had  not  contacted  these 

relatives  from  Germany  and  before  it  was  too  late.  They 

must  have  suffered  from  the  same  kind  of  political  stupidity 

as  so  many  other  German  and  Austrian  Jews  who  instead  of 

acting  in  time  ended  in  the  gas  chambers. 

The  couple  settled  in  Los  Angeles  after  the  war  and 

there  we  met  them  by  chance.  We  became  friends,  close  friends 

indeed.  Late  in  life  they  begot  a  son  who  became  the  apple 

of  thetr  eyes.  This  son  grew  up  to  become  a  young  man  with 

no  special  talents  or  any  particular  attraction.  He  was  an 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  410  - 


average  youth,  intellectually  and  pshysically,  who  -  adored 
and  pampered  by  his  parents-  accepted  their  misguided  dictum 
that  he  was  a  genius.  As  time  went  on  the  parents  believed 
in  their  son  as  the  Greeks  believed  in  the  oracles  of  Delphi. 
Without  any  question  they  took  any  of  his  opinions  as  the 
gospel  truth.  After  years  of  hard  struggle  they  suddenly 
began  to  prosper  and  acted  more  and  more  like  the  prover- 
bial "newly  rich".  In  short,  they  became  unbearable  bores. 
To  top  it  all  and  contrary  to  their  capitalistic  achieve- 
ment they  suddenly  turned  anti-American  and  extremely  left- 
wing.  That  was  beyond  what  Annie  and  I  could  endure.  They 
themselves  had  not  the  intelligence  to  acquire  any  politi- 
cal opinion  of  their  own.  We  felt  sure  that  the  son,  who 
by  then  was  a  student  at  the  University  of  California  in 
Berkeley,  had  brainwashed  them  as  he  must  have  been  brain- 
washed  by  one  of  the  left-wing  professors  at  this  univeiity. 
And  so  it  turned  out  to  be.  I  said  "newly  rich"  are  bores. 
Extremists  of  the  right  or  left  are  double-bores.  Each  and 
every  one  of  them  are  the  gravediggers  of  our  nation. 

One  day  the  young  man  proudly  told  me  that  he  adored 
ftdel  Castro  and  abhorred  everything  these  United  States 
stand  for.  Instead  of  being  a  "brilliant"  young  man  -  as 
his  parents  advertised  him  -  he  was  as  stupid  and  blind  as 
that  minority  of  our  youth  who  shout  the  loudest  and  manage 
to  turn  rightful  dissent  into  illegal  riots. 


Please y  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  411  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it*. 


-  412  - 


This  anarchistic  minority  seeks/ 
f  IBB  WM  WB  and  received  an  undeserved  publicity  by  our 

commercial  news  media  although  they  are  not  the  true  re- 
presentatives of  the  general  protest  movement  of  our  young 
generation.  These  few,  relatively  young  men  and  women,  like 
the  son  of  our  friends,  reduce  all  the  problems  in  the  world 
to  primordial,  primitive  ideologies.  They  are  crying  for 
freedom  of  speech  for  themselves,  but  not  for  others  who 
expouse  opposite  opinions.  They  are  the  talkers  and  anyone 
else  has  to  listen.  They  are  the  kind  of  fanatics  with  whom 
an  argument  is  not  possible.  But  without  mutual  dialogue, 
mutual  debate  there  won't  be  any  progress.  If  the  recog- 
nition of  the  divergence  of  opinion4is  not  upheld  as  the 
foremost  basis  of  humanitarian ism,  the  majority  rule  of 
the  people  will  come  to  an  end  as  it  had  in  all  dictator- 
ship countries.  The  affrontery  of  these  fanatics  is  beyond 
any  rational  understanding. 

When  we  found  out  that  his  non-thinking  parents  agreed 
with  this  boy,  we  felt  at  a  loss.  We  could  not  believe  it, 
but  we  also  could  not  remain  friends  with  anyone  who  would 
oppose  the  essential  democracy  of  our  country.  After  much 
thought  I  wrote  a  letter  to  the  son.  It  is  a  letter  which  I 
would  like  to  write  to  all  the  young  Americans  who  have 
turned  against  their  country  or  the  establishment,  as  they 
choose  to  call  it. 


"To  say  that  I  was  shocked  about  your  political  views," 
so  I  wrote  to  the  misguided  and  confused  young  man,  "would 
be  an  understatement.  I  was  unable  to  believe  that  you  could 
fall  victim  to  some  sort  of  brainwashing.  If  I  understood 
you  right,  you  don't  trust  anything  American,  but  every- 
thing Russian  or  Cuban  despite  the  fact  that  the  Russians 
haven't  kept  a  single  International  agreement.  They  have 
broken  them  all.  You  discard  the  fact  that  men  like  Lenin, 
Stalin,  Krushev  and  others  of  their  kind  (including  Hitler 
and  Mussolini)  have  murdered  millions  and  millions  of  inno- 
cent people,  that  they  have  suppressed  freedom  of  mind  and 
speech.  You  confuse  Socialism  with  Marxist-Leninism,  which 
are  two  entirely  different  ideologies,  if  one  can  call  the 
latter  an  ideology  at  all.  Wherever  the  Communists  came 
to  power,  they  eliminated  the  Social-Democrats  first  be- 
cause they  and  not  the  Fascists  are  their  most  natural 
enemies.  I  wonder,  if  you  ever  have  read  "Das  Kapital" 
by  Karl  Marx.  If  you  haven't,  I  would  advise  you  to  do  so 
because  you'll  find  that  it  has  no  similarity  to  the  pre- 
sent-day feudalistic  Communist  systems.  Besides,  it  has 
become  obsolete  in  our  times. 

"Here  are  a  few  quotations  by  men  whom  you  cannot 
suspect  of  being  anti-socialist,  even  anti-Communist. 
Andre  Gide  wrote:  'Culture  will  always  be  in  peril  where 


criticism  cannot  be  freely  practiced.'  Max  Eastman  wrote: 


Please »    don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of  it! 


.  413  - 


'Those  who  consecrate  themselves  to  Communism  must  not  only 

cast  out  truth,  mercy,  justice  and  personal  honor,  but  under* 

go  a  sickening  discipline  in  lies,  cruelties,  crime  and 

self-abasement. '  Maxim  Gorki  said:  'Lenin  was  a  man  who 

prevented  people  to  live  their  own  lives  as  no  other  man 

before  was  able  to  do.'  Lenin  himself  declared:  'We  must 

be  ready  to  employ  flBiHMH|f  trickery,  deceit,  lawbreaking, 

withholding  and  concealing  truth.'  In  fact,  Leninism  is  not 

a  dictatorship  of  the  proletariat,  but  over  the  proletariat. 

At  the  end  of  his  life  Karl  Marx  allegedly  said:  'One  thing 

is  certain,  I  am  not  a  Marxist.' 

"If  there  is  so  much  more  freedom  in  nowadays  Russia, 

as  you  claim,  why  must  there  be  still  an  iron  curtain,  why 

the  infamous  wall  in  Berlin?  Has  this  wall  been  erected  to 

prevent  people  from  coming  in  or  from  escaping  out?  None 

of  the  evils  which  Communists  claim  must  be  remedied 
re/ 


A 


worse  than  Communism  itself.  Like  a  fungus  it  feeds 


on  the  ills  of  the  world.  If  this  was  not  so,  the  honest 
writers  and  thinkers  in  Russia  would  not  be  thrust  into 
slave-labor  camps  or  Insane  asylums. 

"You  told  me  that  you  would  like  to  visit  Cuba  for 
a  few  days.  I  think,  it  would  be  a  very  good  lesson  for 
you  if  you  did.  Castro  has  declared:  'I  am  going  to  intrc 
duce  In  Cuba  a  system  like  the  Russians  have  -  only  our 
Cuban  system  will  be  better.'  Yes,  it  is  so  good  flBH 
that  the  poor  Cubans  slowly  starve.  When  Castro  came  to 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  414  - 


power,  he  exchanged  Batista's  Fascist  regime  for  his  Commu- 
nist  regime.  The  aims  are  the  same:  Total  dictaprship.  When 
Castro  came  to  power,  he  promised  free  elections,  free  speech, 
free  press  and  free  land  for  the  landless  peasants.  Please, 
don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it!  He  didn't  keep  any  of 
these  promises.  Like  a  true  Communist  dictator  he  promised 
the  poor  people  paradise  on  earth,  but  promises  are  cheap. 

"Louis  Antoine  de  Saint  Just,  the  arch-angel   of  the 
French  revolution,  said:  'The  stones  are  cut  for  the  build- 
ing of  freedom.  You  can  either  build  a  temple  or  a  tomb 
with  the  same  stones  .'*' Fidel  Castro  chose  to  build  a  tomb. 

"Please,  don't  grow  into  a  phony  intellectual.  I  have 
seen  too  many  fall  by  the  wayside,  devoured  by  their  own 
naive  and  sometimes  evil  aspirations.  There  is  no  sub- 
stitute for  democracy  -  with  all  its  shortcomings.  To 
breathe  -  one  needs  air,  free  air." 

I  did  not  receive  an  answer  to  this  letter.  We  lost 
these  good  friends  of  whom  my  father  had  written"  What- 
ever you  do  for  them,  you  do  for  me."  But  I  am  prejudiced 
against  ignoramuses,  vain  pretenders  of  knowledge  and 
self- inflated  nincompoops  -  and  that  what  these  friends 
turned  out  to  be.  I  do  not  condone  treason  in  any  form. 


If  it  had  been  hot  and  humid  in  Manila,  it 
was  even  hotter  and  more  humid  in  Iloilo.  Never  before  had 


Please,    don't  worry!   Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  415  - 


I  felt  so  lonely  and  unhappy.  The  worst  was  the  separation 
from  Annie.  I  wrote  to  her  an  average  of  three  letters  a 
day  and  she  answered  them  all.  Besides,  I  worried  more  and 
more  about  my  parents  in  Germany  where  the  persecution  of 
the  Jews  grew  with  furious  and  brutal  i(£ensity. 

I  became  a  true  worrier  in  Iloilo  because  there  is  no 

inducement  to/ 
deeper/mental  illness  than  loneliness.  As  far  as  I  knew 

there  was  only  one  other  guest  at  the  so-called  *'Hotel  de 

Paris"  where  I  had  rented  a  room.  D^A^pite  the  grand-elo» 

quent  name  it  was  a  ramshackle,  wooden,  two-story  building 

which  could  not  have  seen  paint  for  years.  The  room  was 

relatively  clean.  Twice  a  week  a  houseboy  swept  and  dusted 

it.  I  never  saw  him  wet-mop  the  floor,  but  he  changed  the 

bed  linen  each  Saturday  which  didn't  do  much  good.  Sweat=» 

ing  as  one  did,  the  linen  was  always  clammy  and  smelly. 

Outside  the  window  was  a  swampy  field,  the  habitat 
of  thousands  of  bull- frogs  who  kept  quiet  during  the  day 
and  barked  like  puppy  dogs  during  the  night.  This  kind  of 
concert  was  not  very  inductive  to  falling  asleep,  but  given 
time  a  human  being  gets  used  to  anything.  After  a  week  I 
didn't  notice  the  barking  anymore. 

But  when  one  night  about  two  weeks  later  these  damned 
bull-frogs  stopped  barking  with  a  razor- like  suddenness  from 
one  second  to  the  next,  just  as  I  was  lifting  the  mosquito 
net  to  go  to  bed,  the  total  silence  was  like  an  unseen,  or 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  416  - 


in  this  case  unheard  terror  in  the  darkness  of  the  night. 
I  had  one  leg  on  the  bed  and  just  froze. 

"What  now?"  llsked. 

"They  stopped  barking,"  Timothy  stupidly  answered. 

"I  noticed  it."  1  said.  "Why?" 

"Those  animals  have  more  sense  than  human  beings," 
Timothy  explained.  "We're  going  to  have  an  earthquake." 

"You  must  be  kidding,"  I  told  him  and  retrieved  my 
foot  from  the  bed  and  got  out  from  under  the  mosquito  net. 

"Jesus  Christ,"  Timothy  said  angrily,  "I  haven't  got 
any  humor  left  in  this  hell  hole,  pardon  me,  God.  Better 
brace  yourself,"  he  advised  me. 

"Brace  myself?"  1  asked  him.  "Are  you  nuts?  We  better 


get  out  of  this  shack  before  it  collapses. 


It 


Timothy  sighed.  "Why  don't  you  trust  me  for  once? 
We  two  have  been  in  worse  fixes.  Hold  on,  here  it  comes." 

It  was  too  late.  I  wasn't  holding  on  to  anything  when 
the  earthquake  struck.  And  how  it  struck!  I  was  thrown  clear 
across  the  room.  The  building  swayed  as  if  a  big  wave  was 
rolling  under  it.  There  was  a  horrifying,  ear-splitting 
noise  as  if  the  entire  building  was  breaking  apart.  It 

was  -  but  the  other  half  of  it.  The  chest  of  drawers  in 

was/ 
my  room/feB  VHi  pushed  from  one  side  to  the  other.  The 


bed  followed.  The  one  and  only  chair  became  a  Poltergeist 
or  an  acrobat.  It  did  summer-saults  or  something  of  the 


Please,   don't  worry!   Nothing  came  of   It! 


-  417  - 


sort.  And  then  it  was  over.  The  bull-frogs  had  survived. 
They  started  barking  again. 

"We  better  look  if  anybody  has  been  hurt,"  I  said  to 
Timothy,  trying  to  control  my  trembling. 

"Sure,"  he  retorted  ironically.  "You're  the  kind  of 
guy  who  would  think  of  going  on  a  rescue  mission.  I  managed 
to  have  everybody  on  this  side  of  the  house.  Nobody  got  hurt 
I  don't  like  to  rummage  through  debris  with  you  in  the 
middle  of  the  night.  All  what  the  owners  can  do  tomorrow 
is  boarding  this  half  up  and  let  it  go  at  that.  Go  to 
sleep,  man.  Itis  all  over  aside  of  a  few  tremblers  maybe.'* 

I  pushed  the  chest  of  drawers  and  the  bed  back  where 
they  belonged,  straightened  up  the  room  and  felt  annoyed 
about  Timothy  who  wasn't  even  trying  to  give  me  a  hand. 
The  funny  thing,  though,  was  that  I  never  slept  so  well  in 
Iloilo  before  or  later.  Natural  catastrophes  seem  to  be  part 
of  my  life  and  I  thrived  on  them.  Yet,  when  I  saw  the  damage 
the  next  morning,  I  wondered.  There  was  really  nothing  left 
of  the  other  half  ojf  the  hotel  but  rubble.  Our  store  was 
a  shambles  with  all  the  merchandise  strewn  about.  We  had 
to  do  a  clean-up  job  before  we  could  open.  And  I  sent  a 
telegram  to  Annie  that  I  was  all  right  in  case  she  heard 
about  the  quake  over  the  radio  or  read  what  happened  in 
the  papers.  My  boss  called  from  Manila,  and  I  asked  him 
why  the  hell  he  ever  had  gotten  the  idea  to  have  a  store 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  418  - 


in  this  god- forsaken  place.  He  didn't  give  me  a  very  friendly 
answer  and  I  told  him  he  could  do  the  same. 


The  average  men  and  women  all  over  the  world 
think,  believe  and  are  even  convinced  that  all  there  is  to 
life  is  sex  (which  is  being  exploited  beyond  the  limits  of 
endurance) ,  a  so-called  formal  education  or  the  knowledge 
of  a  trade  and  work  in  their  chosen  field  whatever  that  may 
be.  They  get  married  and  produce  children,  or  they  stay 
single  and  avoid  producing  children  in  which  endeavour 
they  do  not  always  succeed.  They  participate  in  some  sport 
or  play  games,  watch  television,  and  in  general  employ  the 
grey  cells  of  the  brain  as  little  as  possible  or  only  as 
much  as  their  daily  work  demands.  The  most  common  conver- 
sation centers  around  food.  They  live  to  eat  instead  of 
eating  to  live. 

At  no  time  do  they  consciously  realize  that  there  is 
so  much  more  to  life.  Li^  demands  of  us  constantly  to 
think  and  study,  to  get  involved,  never  to  stop  our  edu- 
cation and  have  true  faith  in  God  or  some  higher  spirit 
which  not  necessarily  means  adhering  to  the  dogmas  and 
rituals  of  an  organized  and  mechanized  religious  sect, 
which  again  dulls  the  mind. 

It  is  my  conviction  that  this  earth  of  ours  Is  a 

test  station,  and  we  better  prove  ourselves  worthy  or  we 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl      -  419  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


.  420  - 


are  Jeopardizing  our  future  destiny  after  we've  been 
taken  off  this  station. 

The  majority  of  people  avoid  serious  thinking, 
serious  studying  and  reading.  They  use  the  lame  excuse 
that  they  don't  have  time  for  reading  and  studying  in- 
stead of  admitting  that  they  don't  have  any  desire  for 
it.  They  always  have  time  for  all  sorts  of  other  (Activi- 
ties. They  claim  that  life  is  too  short  for  not  making 
the  best  of  it  by  having  a  good  time  which  to  them  means 
devouring  too  much  and  often  unhealthy  food,  gambling, 
partying,  copulating,  participating  in  childish  games 
or  sports  (they  even  dare  calling  hunting  a  sport), 
sitting  in  front  of  a  TV  set,  watching  indiscriminatingly 
one  show  after  the  other  or  being  glued  to  the  set  follow- 
ing sport  games,  none  of  which  enAiches  their  minds  one 
iota. 

Life  is  not  short  at  all.  Life  is  eternal,  for  to 
measure  life  simply  by  our  sojourn  on  this  planet  is  sheer 
foolishness.  Life  existed  before  we  were  born  and  will  go 
on  after  we  have  passed  on.  During  the  time  in  between 
we  have  a  duty  to  endow  ourselves  spiritually  with  a  sense 
of  humane  values.  A  human  being  should  also  be  a  humane 
being.  Are  we  always?  Pleasures  and  joys  are  part  of 
living  as  long  as  they  don't  stunt  our  good  will. 

Life  constantly  demands  of  us  to  think  and  consider  the 
thinking  of  others.  Life  demands  that  we  combat  without  let-uf 


our  mental  and  spiritual  laziness.  Life,  we  must 
recognize,  is  the  pinnacle  of  existence  and  to  waste  it  on 
jejune  trivialities  is  the  greatest  sin  we  can  commit.  No 
one  can  solely  live  his  or  her  own  life.  We  all  have  to 
live  for  the  welfare  of  all  mankind.  We  have  to  think  for 
all  and  work  for  all.  We  cannot  simply  sit  back  and  say 
for  instance:  I  <jnly  look  out  for  number  one,  that  is  for 
myself.  We  cannot  simply  accept  the  untrue  theory  that  war 
cannot  be  avoided  because  there  were  always  wars  and  there 
will  be  always  wars  as  neighbors  cannot  get  along  with 
neighbors.  We  can  and  must  get  along  with  one  another  by 
give  and  take,  by  good  will  toward  all.  If  we  strive  to 
get  involved  in  peace  (without  breaking  the  peace  ourselves 
by  rioting  and  committing  violence  in  the  name  of  peace), 
there  can  be  peace  on  earth.  We  have  to  think  peace  within 
our  small  circles  as  well  as  world-wide;  we  have  to  pray 
for  peace  unless  we  want  to  remain  the  sheep  we  are.  But 
the  kind  of  professional  pacifism  which  creates  violence 
and  rejects  the  freedom  of  democracy  is  perpetuating  war 
and  strife  among  the  people  of  the  world.  We  must  learn 
that  free  speech  cannot  solely  belong  to  one  group  and 
should  be  denied  to^other  groups.  Free  speech  has  to  be 
universal  or  there  is  no  free  speech  at  all.  Without/ 
mutual  dialogue,  without  give  and  take  we  cannot  have 
universal  peace.  Generation  gap  and  establishment  are 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


.    421    - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of   Itl 


-  422  - 


meaningless  words  unless  we  listen  to  one  another.  We  roust 
speak  out,  but  we  also  must  listen,  or  we  will  never  pro- 
gress toward  our  goal  for  universal  brotherhood.  Young  or 
old,  Russians  or  Americans,  French  or  Germans,  Chinese  or 
Indians,  whites  or  blacks  or  browns  or  yellows  -  we  all  are 
human  beings,  children  of  the  same  God,  created  with  the 
same  good  will  and  the  same  mental  and  physical  systems. 
We  are  all  living  beings  with  the  same  bodily  functions  and 
the  same  capability  to  act  on  our  own,  to  think  for  our* 
selves.  But  do  we  think?  Do  we  act?  Or  are  we  complacent, 
silent  and  uncommitted?  It  is  not  enough  that  a  few  of  us 
act  for  the  good  or  evil  of  mankind.  We  all  have  to  use 
our  minds  and  our  brains  if  we  want  to  create  the  paradise 
this  earth  can  be.  God  has  created  us,  and  we  create  our 
lives  for  the  best  or  worst  of  all.  People  who  never  read 
a  serious  book,  people  who  don't  think  universally  have 
lost  their  right  to  judge  and  to  vote  their  own  destinies 
and  the  destiny  of  all  mankind.  All  people  are  bom  equal 
although  they  are  not  made  equal.  Yet,  all  people  have  the 
same  human  and  spiritual  rights  before  God  and  the  law.  If 
you  have  to  fight  City  Hall,  do  not  hesitate.  You  always 
have  a  chance  to  win.  And  if  you  lose,  you've  done  your 
duty.  You  are  mankind,  each  one  of  you  and  don't  ever  ask 
or  think  what  can  one  single  person  do?  Mankind  consist 
of  single  persons. 


Iloilo  was  quite  a  lesson  for  me.  A  lesson 
in  self-discipline;  a  lesson  in  forbearance;  a  lesson  in 
never  displaying  fear;  and  a  lesson  in  learning  that  most 
people,  rich  or  poor,  will  steal  or  cheat  if  they  can  get 
away  with  it.  Dishonesty  seems  always  be  more  tempting  than 

honesty. 

I  remember  seeing  a  man  running  out  of  a  gambling 
place  across  the  street  from  our  store  followed  by  an- 
other man,  brandishing  one  these  vicious,  razor  sharp 
bolo  knives.  The  first  man  ran  in  terror  and  the  other 
threw  his  knife  from  a  distance  of  at  least  twenty  yards 
with  such  dexterity  that  it  hit  the  other  fellow  at  ex- 
actly the  spot  where  the  heart  or  lung  was.  Death  was 
immediately.  Nobody  on  the  street  even  as  much  as  turned 
an  eye.  The  dead  man  lay  there  and  nobody  cared.  Some  time 
later  two  policemen  came  and  carted  the  body  away. 

Iloilo  could  have  broken  me  in  a  few  days  if  I  had 
given  in,  that  is  if  I  had  shown  any  fear  or  had  tried  to 
act  superior.  I  had  to  act  the  boss  without  being  bossy. 
The  natives  were  fiendishly  proud.  It  did  destory  my  suc- 
cessor within  a  year.  He  committed  suicide  because  he  was 
by  nature  a  coward  without  any  inner  resources  and  reserves 
and  no  ability  to  cope  with  this  primitive  way  of  living,  f 
He  was  a  vegetarian  in  a  place  where  there  were  no  orfeanic 


Please,  don't  worry  J  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  423  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  424  - 


fruit  or  vegetables.  He  displayed  his  fears  where  he  should 
have  displayed  fearlessness.  Like  any  animal  will  sense  fear 
and  act  accordingly,  so  did  the  natives  of  Hollo,  or  at 
least  most  of  them.  There  were  as  many  good  people  as  any- 
where else.  However,  my  successor  was  a  man  who  could  not 
and  would  not  accept  the  truth  that  nothing  Is  as  serious 
as  it  looks.  So  he  succumbed  to  the  hardship  that  life  In 

Hollo  asserted.  One  could  make  friends  with  the  people 

n  , 
there  who  like  children  acted  positively  to  kl^ness  and 

fiercely  antagonistic  to  indifference.  He  hadn't  the  courage 

to  stand  up  and  not  the  wisdom  to  leave  before  he  fell 

victim  to  his  own  shortcomings.  I  had  no  intention  of 

staying  either  in  Hollo  or  Manila  as  much  as  my  good 

friend  Gushi  tried  to  dissuade  me  from  leaving.  Besides, 

I  don't  think  that  I  could  have  held  out  in  Iloilo  longer 

than  a  few  weeks  without  losing  my  mind  and  either  kill 

some  one  or  break  down  myself. 

A  short  time  ^fter  we  had  opened  our  store  the  police 

chief  of  Hollo  paid  me  a  visit.  He  was  a  man  of  high  stand" 

Ing  in  town  and  pompously  showed  it.  His  English  was  funny, 

but  understandable.  In  any  event  I  had  the  good  sense  to 

treat  him  with  all  the  courtesy  and  reverence  due  his  po» 

sltion.  Quite  obviously  he  had  expected  it  from  me  and  was 

well  satisfied  with  my  behaviour.  After  all,  I  was  the  in" 

a  propos  de  rien  -  without  a  motive  -/ 
truder,  the  stranger  and  n/wasn't  entitled  to  his  protection. 


V 


% 


% 


t 


If  he  granted  it  to  me,  he  did  so  voluntarily.  Almost  any- 
where in  the  Far  East  (except  Japan)  a  man  could  disappear 
and  remain  so  for  good.  I  was  determined  not  to  get  lost. 

The  chief  came  to  ask  me  if  I  knew  that  the  stock 
clerk,  Romero,  whom  I  had  hired,  was  on  parole  after  hav- 
ing served  close  to  twenty  years  of  a  life  sentence  in 
prison.  Of  course,  I  didn't  know.  Romero  had  shown  me 
letters  of  recommendation  which  had  satisfied  me.  The  chief 
smiled  and  explained  that  anyone  could  buy  forged  letters 
of  recommendation  for  as  little  as  j^ive  pesos  per  letter. 
He  was  sure  that  none  of  the  letters  he  had  shown  me  were 
genuine,  and  he  warned  me  to  be  cautious  with  this  man 

who  had  a  quick  temper  and  little  compunction  to  kill. 

and/ 
I  thanked  the  chief  for  his  kindness/  assured  him  that  I 

1/       .^J/      ^ 
would  keep  my  eye<>on  Romero*liBI  gBli/accompan>*^  the  great'' 

man  to  the  door  where  we  shook  hands,  after  I  had  made  it 
clear  to  him  that  any  merchandise  he  or  his  wife  wished  to 
buy  would  not  charged  to  them.  I  had  won  him  over  to  my 
side.  This  was  an  important  step,  for  Romero  and  the  other 
personeli  had  watched  us.  It  was  good  to  be  chummy  with  the 
chief  of  police. 

As  a  matter  of  fact,  Romero  was  doing  a  good  Job  and 
it  wouldn't  be  easy  to  replace  him.  He  had  learned  his  duties, 
spoke  and  understood  passable  English.  I  liked  him  and  be- 
lieved that  this  feeling  was  mutual. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  425  - 


After  the  chief  was  gone  I  called  Romero  to  my  office 
(a  roped-off  space  in  the  stockroom)  and  asked  him  why  he 
had  not  told  me  that  he  was  an  ex-convict.  He  shrugged  his 
shoulders.  His  body  went  rigid  and  I  could  see  the  tension 
in  his  brown,  bony  face. 

"Boss,  would  you  have  hired  me  if  you  had  known?"  he 
asked. 

"Probably  not,"  I  confessed  honestly. 

"Do  you  want  to  sack  me  now?"  There  was  a  slight  threat 
in  his  voice.  "No  one  but  you  would  have  hired  me.  They  all 
think  I'm  dangerous.  I*ve  a  very  bad  temper,"  he  admitted, 
"but  I  like  you.  You  treat  me  like  a  human  being.  I  am  a 
human  being.  Before  I  did  what  I  did  and  went  to  prison 
I  had  a  good  education  and  wanted  to  go  to  college,  but 
that  is  all  over  now." 

All  the  while  he  held  in  his  right  hand  a  sharp  knife 
with  which  he  opened  cartons.  I  didn't  dare  to  take  it  away 
from  him.  He  could  stab  faster  than  I  could  reach. 

I  certainly  could  not  afford  to  show  any  fear,  so 
I  acted  sternly,  but  not  unfriendly.  Without  hesitating 
he  freely  admitted  that  the  letters  of  recommendation,  he 
had  shown  me,  were  forgeries. 

Before  I  went  to  Iloilo  my  boss  had  handed  me  a  small 


Beretta  revolver^ 


admonish- 


ing me  to  keep  it  always  loaded  and  never  be  without  it. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  carae  of  it! 


-  426  - 


t 


t 


• 


After  all,  I  was  handling  what  amounted  to  a  fortune  in 
a  place  like  Iloilo,  and  I  had  to  take  the  daily  cash  to 
the  one  and  only  bank  in  town  each  day.  He  also  advised 
me  never  to  walk  the  same  streets  and  at  the  same  time 

each  day  when  I  went  to  the  bank.  Any  routine  was  a 

a  hold-up./ 

dangerous  invitation  foryilHBBfli  MlHlHHBi 

Well,  I  looked  at  Romero  without  flinching  an  eye  lid 
as  he  stood  in  front  of  me,  fingering  his  knife  and  not 
flinching  an  eye  either.  I  told  him  that  I  was  satisfied 
with  his  work  and  had  no  intention  of  letting  him  go, 
nevermind  what  he  had  done  in  the  past,  but  I  also  warned 
him  to  mind  his  ways  as  long  as  he  was  in  my  employ.  See* 
ing  that  I  had  offended  his  pride,  I  did  something  which 
could  have  turned  out  to  be  the  most  foolish  act  I  had 
ever  committed.  However,  I  had  to  show  him  that  I  wouldn't 
stand  for  any  nonsense.  If  I  would  fail,  it  could  have  had 
disastrous  consequences.  Remembering  that  I  had  been  what 
is  called  a  "Scharfschuetze"  in  the  German  army  during  the 
first  world  war,  I  got  the  crazy  idea  that  once  a  sharp- 
shooter always  a  sharp-shooter  although  I  had/  not  handled 
any  weapons  for  a  long  time. 

I  picked  up  a  black  marking  pencil  and  stepped  to  a 
four  by  four  pole,  one  of  several  holding  up  the  roof  in 
the  stockroom.  I  marked  the  pole  with  a  black  spot  the 

size  of  a  dime,  then  stepped  back  again  as  far  as  I  could. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  427  - 


w 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  428  - 


Romero  watched  me,  probably  wondering  what  I  was  up  to. 
He  didn't  yet  know  that  I  was  carrying  a  revolver.  As 
quickly  as  I  could  1  pulled  the  Beretta  from  my  pocket, 
released  the  safety  catch  at  the  same  time  and  pressed 
the  trigger,  apparently  shooting  without  any  visible  aim- 
ing. I  guess,  I  was  more  surprised  than  Romero  that  the 
little  bullet  hit  the  black  spot  so  exactly  that  it  dis- 
appeared. It  seemed  almost  impossible.  For  SHHM  IBiVL 
years  I  had  not  handled  any  fire-arms,  but  I  had  had  a 
thorough  training  in  all  sorts  of  weapons.  If  Romero 
had  asked  me  to  do  it  again,  I  certainly  would  have  failed 
Not  in  a  lifetime  would  I  have  been  able  to  repeat  this 
performance.  It  was  like  a  hole- in-one  for  an  amateur 
golfer. 

Timothy  whispered  to  me,  "Please,  don't  ever  act  so 
asinine  again.  A  guardian  angel  isn't  supposed  to  be  a 
magician."  As  always  he  claimed  all  the  glory  for  himself. 

I  just  ignored  him. 

« 
I  looked  at  Romero  who  grinned  all  over  Yucb   face  now. 

"Bull's  ey9,"  he  said  proudly. 

That  was  it.  God  Almighty,  had  I  been  lucky.  Any  more 

words  were  unnecessary.  That  shot  was  the  kind  of  language 

he  understood  better  than  any  other.  It  had  Impressed  him 

mightily,  but  no  more  than  it  had  me.  Romero  and  I  became 

very  good  friends.  In  fact,  he  must  have  bragged  about  my 


?f:a 


t 


# 


• 


I  was  treated  with  much  respect  from  there  on  on.  I  became 

a  legend  all  over  the  island  and  heard  that  1  had  acquired 

the  nickname  "Mr.  Bulls-Eye".  During  the  seven  weeks  I 

stayed  in  Iloilo  I  had  with  two  exceptions  no  serious 

troubles.  I  went  daily  to  the  bank  with  a  bag  full  of 

money  and  not  once  did  anyone  attempt  to  waylay  me.  I  was 

safe  because  I  was  Hr,    Bulls-Eye,  a  much  admired  gringo. 

I  was  safe  but  for  one  young  man. . 

From  then  on  I  could  trust  Romero  Implicitly.  He  never 

tried  to  steal  (yu   do  anything  wrong.  This  man,  who  had 

served  twenty  years  in  prison  for  cold-bloodedly  murder- 

one  of  the  few  really/     ,jcy 
ing  a  whole  family,  was/tfHHBM  trustworthy  men  I  met  in 

my  life. 


shooting  dexterity. 


The  word  got  around  and 


Iloilo  was  an  experience  in  all  kind  of 
adventures.  There  was  the  case  of  the  rubber  shoes.  There 
was  the  case  of  the  clean  and  the  dirty  bar.  There  was  the 
case  -  well,  there  were  so  many  cases  I  couldn't  list  them 
all.  There  was  the  case  of  the  Japanese  carpenter;  of  the 
Folies  Bergere;  of  Javero,  my  assistant,  whom  I  had  taken 
along  from  Manila  on  his  persuasion  that  I  would  need  an 
interpreter.  There  were  the  two  dozens  svales  girls  I  had 
hired,  and  the  one  I  had  to  fire.  She  had  a  boyfriend  who 
promised  me  that  I  never  would  leave  Iloilo  alive.  And 
there  ^ere  the  ten  men  who  assembled  in  front  of  the  store 
to  shoot  and  kill  me.  There  was  the  one  and  only  taxicab 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  429  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  430  - 


driver  who  also  was  a  procurer.  All  in  all,  I  never  sighed 
a  deeper  breath  of  relief  as  on  the  day  when  I  finally  could 
return  to  Manila  and  Annie.  Timothy  almost  cried  for  joy 
the  very  moment  the  boat  went  under  steam  away  from  the 
Island  of  Panay. 

As  a  matter  of  record  the  people  of  Hollo  had  never 
seen  any  store  like  ours  where  merchandise  was  displayed  in 
the  open  and  where  they  could  select  themselves  whatever 
they  wanted.  Stealing  became  a  real  sport  and  a  challenge 
whether  or  not  Javero  or  I  would  catch  them.  None  of  the 
shoplifters  were  ever  arrested  because  the  few  policemen 
thougW^it  was  a  good  joke  or  game,  whenever  I  reported  it. 
The  police  chief  himself  was  an  honest  man  and  didn't  take 
me  up  on  my  offer  to  get  any  merchandise  free  of  charge. 

If  I  ever  had  worked  hard,  I  did  so  getting  the  store 
In  shape  for  opening.  Gushi  had  come  over  for  a  week  to 
help  me.  We  worked  sixteen  hours  a  day  to  get  the  tables 
and  cashregisters  in  place,  the  merchandise  on  display  and 
the  stockroom  filled  up.  We  had  to  hire  the  personnel,  train 
them  and  have  them  swear  on  the  bible  not  to  steal  a  centavo. 
None  of  the  girls  had  ever  worked  in  a  store  or  had  sold 
anything.  They  came  from  poor  families,  ovmed  one  good 
dress,  but  no  shoes  or  stockings.  They  had  no  bathroom 
at  home  or  ever  seen  one.  Each  morning  I  had  to  line  them 
up  and  Inspect  them  to  make  sure  their  arms,  hands,  legs 


and  feet  were  clean.  If  not,  they  had  to  go  to  the  so- 
called  ladies'  room  and  wash  up.  Sometimes  I  felt  like 


a  eunuch  in  a 


seraglio  -  and  that's  no  joke.  Only 


a  week  went  by  when  I  was  made  aware  of  the  sad  fact  that 
some  of  the  girls  had  no  idea  how  to  use  a  modem  flush- 
water  toilet.  They  had  never  seen  one  and  left  it  strictly 
alone,  being  suspicious  of  its  actual  function.  Instead 
they  squatted  over  the  grating  in  the  center  of  the  cement 
floor  which  was  there  so  that  the  water  could  run  off  when 
Romero  hosed  the  restroom  down.  He  reported  to  me  about 
the  smell  in  the  toilet. 

I  had  no  choice  but  to  call  the  supervisor  girl,  whom 
I  had  hired  for  this  position  because  she  was  better  educ* 
ated  than  the  others.  I  explained  to  her  what  was  going  on 
(wondering  why  it  was  Romero  and  not  she  who  had  reported 
the  mess)  and  charged  her  to  teach  the  girls  how  to  use 
the  toilet  bowl.  For  a  while  afterwards  it  became  a  happy 
sport  to  flush  the  bowl  until  I  had  to  put  a  stop  to  it 
and  order  them  not  to  do  so  unless  necessary. 

All  in  all  they  were  good  girls,  but  they  were  like 
children  who  could  not  be  scolded,  but  had  to  be  treated 
with  loving  kindness.  We  had  organized  the  Hollo  store 
the  same  way  as  the  Manila  store.  Each  of  the  twenty  tables 
had  its  own  merchandise  inventory  and  cash  register  which 
the  girls  had  been  taught  to  manipulate  through  many  hours 


ifl' 


Please,  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  431  - 


Please,  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  432  - 


of  hard  sweat.  They  liked  the  cash  registers  as  children 
like  mechanized  toys  and  treated  them  as  such.  If  merchan" 
dize  inventory  and  the  amount  of  cash  didn't  come  out  ex- 
actly right,  that  was  my  headache.  I  had  twenty  headaches 
each  and  every  day.  Their  knowledge  of  figures  were  very 
poor.  More  often  than  not  they  confused  adding  with  sub- 
tracting and  vice  versa.  Besides,  they  couldn't  understand 
why  they  weren't  allowed  to  exchange  certain  items  from 
one  table  to  the  other.  If  one  day  one  of  the  girls  liked 
selling  combs  and  another  was  enamored  with  selling  certain 
custom  jewelry  pieces,  they  just  exchanged  them,  and  I  was 


left  with  holding  the  bags.  There  was  a  numbered  bag  for 

hadn't/ 
each  numbered  cash  register  and  since  TT' 


done  any 
bookkeeping  either,  I  just  manipulated  all  the  figures  so 


that  somehow  they  came  out  rig^  in  the  total  amount.  So 
Gushi  and  the  boss  in  Manila  had  a  total  headache  each  day 
which  made  them  so  unhappy  that  they  mailed  a  stream  of  in' 
suiting  inter-office  memos  to  me.  After  a  while  I  gave  up 
reading  them  and  just  filed  them  away  in  a  special  port- 
folio which  I  labeled:  "The  Babieca  File"  -  The  Nonsense 
File. 

I  had  my  two  special  headaches.  One  was  Felicitas  and 
the  other  Javero.  I  had  hired  Felicitas,  an  exceptional 
beautiful  girl  who  always  wore  shoes,  to  supervise  and 


• 


assistant,  whom  in\   his  plea  1  had  taken  with  me  from 
Manila  to  act  as  interpreter  and  store  manager  to  relieve 
me  for  other  duties^  had  turned  out  to  be  a  flop.  Despite 
his  assurances  in  Manila  that  he  did,  he  neither  understood 
nor  spoke  the  particular  Iloilo  dialect.  Not  a  single  word. 
He  spoke  some  English,  Spanish  and  Tagalog,  but  not  Iloilo- 
nese  which  was  very  important  because  most  of  the  customers 
and  all  our  girls,  except  Felicitas,  did  not  speak  anything 
else.  To  add  to  the  troubles  Javero  was  a  ladies'  man.  He 
couldn't  leave  the  girls  alone  although  he  never  tried  any 
hanky-panky  with  Felicitas.  Despite  my  repeated  warnings 
that  I  would  send  him  back  to  Manila  without  a  job  if  I 
would  find  him  once  more  with  a  girl  somewhere  in  a  dark 
comer  in  the  back,  I  caught  him  in  flagranti  time  and 
again  with  his  pants  down. 

Naturally,  I  depended  more  and  more  dn  Felicitas  to 
keep  things  running  in  the  store  while  I  was  busy  in  my 
office  or  had  to  go  on  an  errand.  One  fine  afternoon,  how- 
ever, I  couldn't  find  her  anywhere.  I  asked  Javero  if  he 
had  seen  her.  He  shrugged  his  shoulders.  I  ordered  him  to 
look  for  her,  but  he  had  no  intention  to  do  so. 

"Madre  de  Dios,"  he  said.  "Boss,  you  better  don't 

bother." 

"Why  not?" 


troubleshoot  which  she  did  quite  efficiently.  Javero,  my 


He  was  fearful,  so  much  was  obvious. "Boss  -  Felicitas 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  433  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  434  - 


is  a  sel^ora  muy  cari^osa." 

"Speak  English,"  I  told  him. 

"You  see,  boss,  she's  very  affectionate  with  her  boy- 
friend. If  I  were  you,  I'd  leave  her  alone.  She'll  be  back 


soon. 


II 


He  refused  looking  for  her  and  so  I  had  to  do  it  my- 
self.  I  went  back  to  my  office  in  the  stockroom  and  asked 
Romero  if  he  had  seen  Felicitas.  Romero  grinned  from  ear 
to  ear.  He  was  a  tough  hombre  and  didn't  know  fear.  He 
pointed  with  his  head  toward  an  aisle  in  the  stockroom, 
but  he  put  his  fingers  to  his  lips  to  keep  quiet.  I  was 
kind  of  bewildered,  as  if  I  had  fallen  into  a  real-to- 
life  mystery.  With  Romero  following  me  I  cautiously  tiptoed 
down  the  aisle.  I  kept  my  hand  in  ray  pocket  where  I  had 
the  Beretta  in  case  I  would  need  it.  Something  was  wrong. 
I  almost  could  smell  it.  Well,  at  the  end  of  the  semi- 
dark  aisle  I  found  Felicitas  with  a  young  man  with  whom 
I  had  had  trouble  before.  He  had  been  coming  to  the  store 
for  the  only  purpose  to  annoy  the  girls.  As  cocky  as  a 
young  rooster  he  hacii't  been  easy  to  handle.  Since  he 
kept  one/or  the  other  girl  from  doing  her  work,  I  had 
told  him  at  one  time  to  stay  away  from  the  store.  He  had 
simply  sneered  at  me  and  left,  making  an  obscene  move  with 

his  hand  at  me.  From  Romero  I  had  learned  that  this  young 
rake/      number- one/ 

/■■I was  the^son  of  the  richest  man  on  the  island  whom  no- 
body dared  to  oppose,  not  even  the  police  chief.  This  man 


• 


owned  more  real  estate  on  the  islands  of  Panay  and  the 
neighboring  Negros  than  anyone  else.  Besides,  he  ran  all 
the  gambling  dens  and  brothels.  In  a  way  one  could  con- 
sider him  the  Al  Capone  of  Panay  and  Negros.  He  was  the 
law  -  period.  I  never  met  him  face  to  face.  Supposedly, 
he  lived  in  an  elaborate  ranch  house  on  a  large  pine  apple 
and  cobra  plantation.  But  he  had  other  habitats  on  Negros 
and  in  Manila  as  well  as  Baguio,  so  I  was  told.  To  cross 
him  was  like  sentencing  oneself  to  death.  However,  1  hadn't 
heard  that  any  one  of  the  seven  foreigners,  living  in 
Iloilo,  had  ever  been  bothered  by  him.  Three  or  four  of 
them  knew  him  and  said  he  was  a  charming  man  as  long  as 
one  didn't  interfere  with  his  affairs. 


So  I 


tiptoed  down  the  serai-dark  aisle  between 


rows  of  shelves  and  bins,  containing  all  kinds  of  merchan- 
dise. I  found  Felicitas  at  the  very  end  of  the  aisle,  quite 
pleasantly  engaged  with  this  young  man  whose  name  was  Felipe 
They  didn't  notice  my  approach.  After  all,  love-making  is 
always  an  all-absorbing  activity.  They  had  taken  some 
cushions  from  a  bin  afid  had  converted  them  on  the  floor 
into  a  bed  on  which  they  were  comfortably  lying,  Felipe 
on  top  of  Felicitas.  It  was  good  business  for  them  and 

bad  business  for  me.  With  my  hand  still  on  the  Beretta  in 

intercourse/ 
my  pocket  I  interrupted  them  just  when  th^mBK  between 

the  two  was  coming  to  a  climax.  What  then  happened  the 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  435  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  436  - 


very  next  moment  I  cannot  recount.  Felipe  acted  as  fast 

a/ 
asy'striking  cobra.  Within  a  split-second  he  was  up,  a  bolo 

knife  in  his  hand  which  he  pressed  against  my  abdomen  be- 
fore I  could  even  take  another  breath.  Our  encounter  was 


a  draw 


unless  I  wanted  to  shoot  the  boy  through  my 


pocket.  The  girl  got  up,  leisurely  adjusted  her  dress  and 
then  kind  of  sneaked  away. 

Felipe  pushed  the  knife  harder  so  that  its  point 
pricked  my  skin  through  my  shirt.  I  slowly  retreated, 


but  he  didn't  give  up  until  we  were  in  the  open  near 


my 


roped-off  office.  There  he  relaxed  and  buttoned  his  fly. 

By  then  1  had  my  Beretta  out  and  pointed  it  at  him. 

*'you  try  and  shoot  me,  mister,"  he  said  in  good 

English,  "and  you  won't  live  another  day." 

dare  to/      and/ 
I  knew,  I  couldn' t/show  any  fear^  VHHI  looked  straight 

at  him.  "I'm  going  to  shoot  the  next  time  I'll  see  you  in 
the  store  or  back  here." 

"Mr.  BullisEye,  hey?"  he  laughed.  "I  know  you  can  shoot 
like  the  devil,  but  it  won't  do  you  any  good.  What  my  father 
says  on  this  Island  goes.  Man,  you  caught  me  here  and  for 
that  you  won't  leave  this  island  alive.  You  better  be  care- 
fuiy,  Mr.  BuU's-Eye.  You  shoot  fast,  but  I  throw  my  knife 
faster.  We'll  watch  you  wherever  you  go.  The  day  you  leave, 
you'll  die." 

Before  I  could  say  another  word,  he  ran  out  like  a  cat 


t 


# 


on  light  feet  through  the  store  and  into  the  street.  I 
called  Javero  and  told  him  what  happened.  He  was  visibly 


upset. 


"Boss,  you  should  have  acted  as  if  you  hadn't  seen  the 
two.  That  boy  is  bad  medicine."  He  shrugged  his  shoulders 
and  I  could  have  slapped  his  face.  "Boss,  I  wouldn't  give 
a  centavo  for  you." 


11 


You  can  go  to  hell,  Javero,"  I  told  him  angrily. 


"Tell  Felicltas  that  she's  fired  as  of  this  moment." 

Javero  shook  his  head.  "Not  me,  boss.  She's  also 

want  to/ 
trouble.  If  you^ire  her,  better  do  it  yourself.  I'm 

scared.  She  has  five  brothers  and  they've  many  friends." 

I  ordered  Javero  to  tell  Felicltas  that  I  wished  to 

later/ 
see  her  in  my  office.  A  few  minutes/she  came.  She  looked 

sullenly  at  me  as  if  it  all  were  my  fault. 

I  counted  out  whatever  salary  was  coming  to  her,  asked 
her  to  sign  a  receipt,  which  she  did,  and  then  told  her  to 
get  out  and  stay  out.  She  didn't  protest.  Not  a  word.  She 
just  turned  around  and  left. 

Naturally,  I  felt  disturbed  over  the  possibility  that 
I  might  have  to  shoot  to  kill  in  case  I  was  attacked. 

I  heard  Timothy  mumbling  somdthing  about  death  being 
much  less  painful  than  living. 

"Nevermind  your  cheap  philosophy,"  I  turned  on  him. 

•'you  better  watch  out  that  this  fellow  won't  stab  me  in 


Please »  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  437  - 


the  back.  They  can  throw  bolo  knives  from  quite  a  distance 
and  still  hit  the  target  where  it  hurts." 

"Next  time  don't  threaten  to  shoot  anyone,  stupid," 
Timothy  grumbled.  "I  don't  know  what's  the  matter  with 
you.  You  get  the  two  of  us  into  the  darndest  situations." 

"You  can  say  that  again,  Timothy." 

"I  won't,  but  I  haven't  been  trained  to  divert  bolo 
knives." 

"Nevermind  that  baloney.  You've  been  trained  to  pro- 
tect me  and  that's  all  I  care  about." 

At  this  moment  Javero  appeared  at  my  office.  I  was 
still  mad  at  him  and  determined  to  send  him  home  with  the 
next  boat.  He  was  no  help  to  me.  I  rather  depended  on  my 
family  murderer,  Romero. 

"Boss,"  Javero  said,  "you  better  come  to  the  stogie   and 
see  for  yourself." 

"See  what  for  myself?"  I  asked  him  irritatedly. 

"You  better  come  and  have  a  look,"  Javero  repeated. 

I  got  up  and  went  into  the  store.  Javero  pointed  to 
the  two  front  doors.  I'll  be  damned,  I  thought.  Ten  fero- 
ciously looking  young  men  had  lined  themselves  up  in  front 
of  the  store.  Their  dark  faces  were  inscrutable  like  stone 
masks.  Each  one  of  them  carried  an  ancient,  long-barreled 
gun  which  must  have  been  in  use  at  the  turn  of  the  century 
when  one  Jose  Rizal  led  a  powerful  movement  for  independence 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  438  - 


I 


• 


t 


from  the  Spaniards. 

"Who  are  they?"  I  asked  Javero  who  stared  at  me  as  if 
I  were  stupid  or  something.  Business  in  the  store  went  on 
as  usual.  Customers  entered  and  left  as  if  these  ten  young 
men  were  invisible. 

"They're  up  to  something  no  good,"  Javero  gloomily 
predicted. 

"I  can  see  that,  but  who  are  they?"  I  repeated  my 
question  impatiently. 


It 


You  better  ask  Romero,"  Javero  advised.  "He  might 


know." 


"All  right,  call  Romero. 


•t 


When  he  returned  with  my  family  murderer,  I  asked  him, 

"Do  you  know  these  fellows,  Romero?" 

"I  guess,  they're  Felicitas'  brothers  and  their  friends. 

They're  muy  serio,  boss.  They'll  shoot  you  for  the  honor 

of  Felicitas.  She  lost  face  when  you  fired  her." 

"How  the  devil  could  she  get  them  together  so  quickly?" 
"She  probably  knew  where  they  hang  out  and  went  straight 

to  that  place.  If  Felicitas  needs  help,  she  gets  it  pronto." 
"What  about  Felipe?  Hasn't  he  a  gang  of  his  own?" 
"Sure,  but  he  wouldn't  use  any  of  his  friends  to  kill 

you.  They'll  spy  on  you  maybe,  but  they  won't  harm  you. 

You're  Felipe's  personal  target.  He's  going  to  kill  you 

himself,  boss." 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  439  - 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  440  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I  "Perhaps  1*11 
kill  him  first,  Romero,"  I  said  although  I  dldn^^t  like  the 
Idea  very  much.  "Why  are  these  fellow  waiting  out  there? 
Why  don't  they  just  come  In  and  start  shooting?" 

"No,  boss.  If  they  start  shooting  In  here,  they  might 
hit  some  of  our  people.  They  want  only  you,  so  they  wait 
until  you'll  leave.  Maybe  tomorrow  they'll  forget  all  about 
it  if  you  call  the  police  chief  to  give  Felicitas  a  talking- 


to. 


II 


"I  could  call  the  chief  now  and  have  these  fellows 


arrested." 

"He  wouldn't,  boss.  They  haven't  done  anything  yet." 
"All  right,  Romero.  You  better  go  back  to  your  work." 
Turning  to  Javero,  I  told  him  to  watch  the  store  while 

I  was  in  my  office  until  closing  time. 

I  just  had  settled  behind  my  desk  when  Javero  appeared 

like  a  dog  with  his  tail  between  his  hind  legs. 

"I  don't  like  it  here  anymore,"  he  complained.  "If 

they  shoot  you,  they  may  shoot  me,  too."  And  then  he  added 


quite  sensibly,  "I  don't  like  shootingy 
"Who  does?"  I  asked. 


boss." 


"If  you  don't  mind,  boss,  I'd  like  to  go  back  to  Manila." 
That's  what  I  had  in  mind  anyway.  By  asking  for  it,  he 
saved  me  the  trouble  of  telling  him.  I'olavero,  if  you  want 
to  go  back,  you^go  back.  I  guess,  they  can  use  you  better 


t 


# 


# 


in  Manila.  They're  going  to  open  a  second  store,  a  kind 
of  fire-sale  store  -  whatever  that  is.  How  about  going 
back  tomorrow? 'jif 

"That's  good,  boss.  Very  good."  He  smiled  happily. 

"All  right.  That's  settled.  I'll  call  the  Corapania 
Maritima  and  hooK  yo\i   for  tomorrow's  boat." 

"Thank  you,  boss." 

After  Javero  had  gone  back  to  the  store  I  told  Romero 
to  pack  the  six  gross  of  rubber  shoes  we  had  received  from 
the  Manila  store.  They  would  go  with  Javero  the  next  day. 
It  was  ludicrous  and  Gushi  should  have  known  it.  Selling 
rubber  shoes  in  Hollo  was  like  selling  ice  boxes  to 
eskimos.  Despite  strict  orders  not  to  return^  them,  I 
would  do  so  anyway.  I  couldn't  even  give  them  away.  The 
boss  could  shove  -  no,  I  won't  tell  what  he  could  do.  I'm 
not  a  writer  of  pornography. 

At  last,  I  could  sit  down  at  my  desk  and  have  a  talk 
with  Timothy  who  mischievously  snickered  at  me. 


II 


Whenever  you  get  yourself  into  trouble,"  he  said. 


"you  think  you  should  have  a  talk  with  me.  I'm  getting 
as  tired  of  Hollo  as  your  boy  Javero.  When  do  we  leave 


here?" 


"In  three  or  four  weeks." 

Timothy  kept  silent. 

"Did  the  devil  get  your  tongue?"  I  asked  him. 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of   iti 


-  A41  . 


"Don't  you  dare  and  conjure  up  the  devil I"  Timothy 
warned  me  angrily. 

"All  right,  then  you  tell  me  what  we're  going  to  do 
with  these  ten  cut-throats  out  there  waiting  for  me?" 

"How  am  I  supposed  to  know?  That  fellow  Felipe  Is 
much  more  dangerous.  You  better  watch  out  for  hlra." 

"I  leave  Felipe  to  you.  Besides,  he  won't  do  any- 
thing until  the  day  we  leave." 

"You  shouldn't  have  fired  that  girl.  She  was  doing 
good  work." 

"With  Felipe?" 

"That  was  fun  and  not  work,"  Timothy  reminded  me. 

"We  don't  make  fun  in  the  store." 

"Don't  I  know  it?"  Timothy  complained. 

"All  right,  what  are  we  going  to  do  with  these 
fellows  outside?" 

"Call  the  police  chief  after  you  closed  the  store 
tonight  so  that  they'll  leave  you  in  peace  tomorrow.  To- 
night you'll  do  what  I  tell  you."  He  had  a  good  idea  and 

going/  shooting  match./ 

I  was^to  follow  it.  It  could  be  that  there  wouldn't  be  a  / 

"Okay,  but  it  better  works.  I  don't  care  to  die  in 
Hollo  of  all  places." 

"Oh,  you  bore  me,"  Timothy  said  disgustedly.  "What 
difference  does  it  make  where  you  die?  Moreover,  your  time 
isn't  up  yet.  Why  can't  you  people  understand  that  there 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


.  442  - 


t 


# 


is  no  death.  Nothing  dies.  I  told  you  so  often  that  life 
is  eternal  although  of  course  it  undergoes  certain  changes. 
You  shed  your  body  like  a  caterpillar  sheds  it  cocoon.  Life 
always  goes  on.  Death  is  only  a  human  imagination.  It  does 
not  exist." 

"Thank  you,  wise  old  man,"  I  retorted  ironically . "If 
death  doesn't  exist,  why  do  we  die?" 

"You  don'.t  listen."  He  sighed  in  despair.  "No  one 
dies.  The  body  dies  and  your  soul  goes  on  to  another 
place  of  existence.  Like  me /although  I  had  bad  luck  to 
become  a  guardian  angel.  It  isn't  an  improvement  of  what 
I've  been,  believe  y6u  me.  A  guardian  angel  has  little  rest 

and  being  assigned  to  you  means  not  getting  any  rest  at 

• 

all.  Almost  none.  Hollo  -  for  instance  -  that' s^ the  last 

would/ 
place  l/choose  to  be." 

"Do  you  think  I  want  to  be  in  Iloilo?  Well,  I'll 
take  your  advice  for  tonight,  but  God  help  you  if  it 
misfires." 

"Stop  worrying  already,"  Timothy  told  me  angrily.  "I 
can't  afford  to  be  wrong.  You  do  as  I  told  you  and  every- 
thing will  be  all  right.  Now  leave  me  alone,  will  you.  I 
need  some  rest." 

He  retired  into  a  comer  and  ^iylked.  I  worked  at  my 
desk  for  the  next  two  hours  and  when  it  came  to  closing 
time  I  got  up  and  went  to  the  store  with  Timothy  following 


me. 


Please,  don*t  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  443  - 


As  usual  the  girls  went  home  at  seven.  Although  Javero 
generally  stayed  with  me  until  all  the  chores  were  done, 
I  let  him  also  go  at  the  same  time.  Scared  as  he  was,  I 
had  no  further  use  for  him.  I  locked  the  two  front  doors, 
pulled  the  shades  and  acted  as  if  I  didn't  see  the  ten  men 
with  their  long-barreled  guns.  Thec^  hadn't  moved  an  inch, 
standing  there  ■■■■  like  rooted  trees.  If  Romero  was  right 
they  expected  me  to  leave  the  same  way  through  one  of  the 
front  doors  because  I  had  done  so  each  evening.  Their 
simple,  untrained  minds  just  worked  one  way  and  they 
could  only  act  as  they  always  did  when  they  were  bent  on 
eliminating  an  enemy.  They  knew  I  had  a  gun.  They  knew  I 
could  shoot  well.  They  would  give  me  a  fair  chance  to  de- 
fend myself.  It  seemed  almost  unbelievable,  HBHIHHHI 
and  I  had  a  feeling  that  I  was  living  a  ghost  story.  They 
had  missed  their  chance  to  shoot  because  they  wouldn't  do 
so  unless  I  made  myself  available  to  them  in  the  street 
where  I  would  be  an  open  prey  like  an  animal  for  hunters. 

As  I  did  each  night  I  made  the  rounds  to  empty  the 
cash  registers.  Having  done  so  I  turned  off  all  lights 
except  two.  Then  I  retreated  to  my  office  in  the  rear, 
deposited  the  twenty  money  bags  in  a  deep,  wall  safe. 
Romero,  like  a  faithful  dog,  waited  for  my  orders.  I  could 
rely  on  him  and  so,  following  Timothy's  simple  plan,  I 
sent  him  out  through  the  rear  door  to  tell  the  taxi  driver 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  ! 


-  444  - 


• 


# 


to  pick  me   up    there   instead   of   at   the    front.    None   of   the 
ten  men,    so  Romero   had    assured  me,   would    think   I  was   a 
coward   and   avoid  open  combat.    If    1   did,    not    the   girl   but 
I  had    lost   face.    While   waiting   for   the   taxi,    I   called    the 
police  chief  who  promised   that    I   won't  be   bothered   the  next 
day.    Timothy   had   figured   it   would  be   much   easier    for  him 
if   I    played   the  coward    for   once    and    lost    face.    Ten   long- 
barr/Ied   guns,    even    if   they   were    old   and    rusty,    against  my 


small   Beretta  were   bad    odds.    He   might   be   able   to   save  me 
from  getting   killed,   but  not   from  getting    injured.    If   I 
got   away    this    night,    I    had   nothing   to  worry   about  but 
Felipe  on  my   last   day    in  Iloilo.    This   boy  was  made   from 
a  different  mold.    He  was   an   educated   Juvenile   delinquent 
who   not   likely  would  forget   his    promise. 

All   went    according    to   plan    and    I   arrived   safe   and 
sound   at    the    so-called    clean  bar    (we   only  went    to   the 
dirty  bar    for   a  short   drink   in   the   afternoon) .    To  me 
there  wasn't  much   different   between   the    two  bars.    Both 
weren't   really   clean  and  both   served   execrable   food   and 
watered-down   drinks.   The  only  safe  bet  was  Asahi  beer 
which  came   in   bottles   and  none  of   the  bartenders   could 
tamper  with  them. 

Each   night   five  of   us    seven   foreigners  who   resided 
in  Iloilo  met   at   the  clean  bar   for  dinner,   drinks  and 

talk.    The   other  two  were  a  middle-aged,    married  couple 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  445  - 


and  wisely  stayed  home.  LucAlly  for  me  we  didn't  play 
cards.  I  wasn't  a  card  player  at  all  and  the  other  four 
didn't  care. 

While  I  was  driving  to  the  clean  bar,  the  taxi  driver 
as  always  tried  In  vain  to  sell  me  on  the  Idea  to  procu^te 
a  "nice"  girl  for  me.  Any  girl  I  wanted  for  five  pesos  a 
night  plus  two  pesos  as  his  commission.  We  two  weren't 
good  friends  because  I  never  made  use  of  his  offer. 

This  night  I  was  the  last  of  our  group  to  arrive 
at  the  clean  bar  and,  of  course,  had  a  tale  to  tell. 
Each  of  the  others  had  had  W  similar  experiences  as 
I  with  my  ten  enemies.  We  always  had  food  for  talk 
besides  the  miserable  vlttels  and  drinks  we  were  served. 


There  was 


the  British  Consul  whom 


I'll  call  the  honorable  Mr.  Hlgglnbottom.  There  was  Dr. 
Medlssa,  a  Spaniard  and  physician.  He  was  a  very  well  read 
man  with  whom  it  was  a  pleasure  to  converse.  There  was 
Fred  Hellerlng  who  owned  the  El  Cine  Palace,  which  ex- 
clusively ran  American  films  three  days  a  week  and 
Filipino  pictures  on  Saturdays  and  Sundays.  Then  there 
was  Dick  Little,  the  representative  of  an  American  Tire 
and  Rubber  Export  and  Import  Company  with  its  main  office 
in  Manila.  The  youngest  of  the  group  was  Peter  Wagner, 
the  son  of  the  middle-aged  Viennese  refugee  couple  who 


strangely  enough  had  settled  of  all  places  in  Hollo.  His 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it 


-  446  - 


r> 


t 


father  represented  an  English  firm  which  bought  copra 
from  plantations  all  over  the  Islands. 

On  this  particular  evening  we  had  a  guest,  a  Herr 
Heinrich  Beutel,  who  traveled  the  Far  East  as  a  salesman 
for  a  famous  brand  of  German  harmonicas  and  accordions. 
He  like  I  had  a  room  at  the  Hotel  de  Paris  for  the  week 
he  stayed  in  Hollo.  Herr  Beutel  turned  out  to  be  a  practl= 
cal  joker  and  not  much  of  a  Nazi.  At  least  as  far  as  I  was 
concerned  he  didn't  display  any  anti-Semitism.  On  the  day 
he  left  for  Mindanao  he  piled  up  all  the  furniture  in  my 
room,  one  piece  on  top  of  the  other,  and  roped  them  to- 
gether. I  had  a  hell  of  a  time  to  get  thorn  all  unroped 
again.  He  also  left  a  note,  written  in  large,  red  letters, 
which  told  me:  "Was  ist  ein  Abschied  ohne  Budenzauber? 
Keln  Abschied!  Auf  Wiedersehen,  mein  Freund."  Translated 
it  meant:  "What  is  a  farewell  without  a  magic  room?  No 
farewell!  So  long,  my  friend. '•  I  never  met  Herr  Beutel 
again  and  despite  his  practical  joke  I  hope  he  has  sur- 
vived the  Nazi  years.  He  was  a  likeable  fellow  and  I  still 
have  his  farewell  note. 

We  were  a  motley  group  each  night  at  the  clean  bar, 
just  thrown  together  by  happenstance  circumstances.  Each 
of  us  had  his  own  story  to  tell  how  he  had  landed  in  this 
god-forsaken  part  of  the  world.  The  honorable  Mr.  Hlggln- 
bottom, of  course,  had  been  posted  in  Hollo  by  his  govern' 


Please,  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  447  - 


ment  to  supervise  and  document  the  export  shipments  of 

copra,  hemp  and  whatever  other  goods  the  British  bought 

on  the  Panay  and  Negros  islands  which  were  on^y  five 

minutes  apart  by  air. 

Fred  Hellering  was  an  odd  man  who  for  years  had  bummed 

it  all  over  the  world  and  finally  had  won  the  El  Cino  Pal- 

damned/ 
ace  in  a  poker  game.  He^iflB0MI  that  game  ever  since  and 

swore  if  he  couldn't  sell  that  place  soon,  he  would  just' 

abandon  it.  He  had  had  it  with  Iloilo. 

Only  Dick  Little  had  no  complaint  about  Iloilo.  He 
liked  his  job,  flew  all  over  the  islands  in  a  company 
plane  and  bought  the  rubber  his  firm  wanted. 

The  good  doctor,  although  a  Spaniard,  was  bom  in 
Iloilo.  He  had  studied  medicine  in  England,  then  returned 
and  opened  his  practice.  He  was  a  widower  who  wanted  to 
marry  again  if  the  right  woman  came  along. 

Herr  Beutel  and  I  were  temporary  residents.  As  long  as 
we  were  in  Iloilo  we  were  welcomed  by  the  group  who  nightly 
assembled  at  the  clean  bar.  Each  one  of  us  had  had  some 
education.  We  all  liked  to  gab  about  any  subject  which 
came  up.  Chance  had  brought  us  together  and  we  made  the 
best  of  it.  With  the  exception  of  Peter  Wagner,  who  worked 
for  his  father  and  didn't  like  it,  we  all  were  addicted  to 
throwing  quotations  around  and  then  labor  on  them  -  mentally 


that   is. 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-  448  - 


r 


• 


After  I  had  ordered  a  T-bone  steak  (the  only  meat 
halfway  palatable),  greasy  French  fried  and  a  bottle  of 
Asahi  beer  (the  best  beer  in  the  world,  brewed  in  Japan) 
I  entei;^ained  my  friends  with  the  events  of  my  day.  They 
all  were  ardent  talkers,  but  also  knew  how  to  listen.  Only 
intelligent  people  are  good  listeners.  When  I  had  finished 
my  report  from  the  sex  act  between  Felicitas  and  Felipe 
to  the  death  threat  of  the  ten  men,  they  slid  into  a 
macabre  debate  about  dying  and  death  in  general.  Each 
one  of  us  had  witnessed  death  in  many  ways  and  so  we 
had  many  death  stories  to  tell.  I  kept  quiet  for  a  while, 
IHHB  '  MHM  iMHBt  being  occupied  with  chewing  the 
tough  steak  and  washing  it  down  with  the  wonderful,  cold 
beer. 


At  last  I  was  ready  to  partcipate  in  the  conversation 

by  quoting  Timothy,  although  none  of  them  knew  about  my 

guardian  angel,  of  course.  "There  is  no  death,"  I  threw 

in  as  my  contribution.  That  naturally  was  hotly  disputed. 

The  doctor  was  convinced  that  there  was  death  and  that  it 

was  final,  the  end  of  everything.  Fred  Hellering,  though, 

agreed  with  me  (or  with  Timothy,  really).  He  was  a  true 

Cosmopolitan,  a  soldier  of  fortune,  a  participant  in 

many  wars,  none  of  which  had  been  his  business,  and  death 

to/ 

was  very    familiar/0M  him.    He  believed   that  we  would  come 

to   life  again  after  death. 

"Nature   or  God  don't  care  what  wc  are  and  so  after 


Please,    don't  worry  I   Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  449  - 


after  death  we  might  become  anything,"  he  said,  ''a  tree, 

a  blade  of  grass,  a  flower  or  even  God  forbid  a  Mohammedan." 

For  some  reason  or  other  he  was  prejudiced  against  Mohamme- 


dans. 


The  honorable  Mr.    Higginbottom  was   doubtful.    He  could 
not   accept  the   idea  of   reincarnation  and  besides   he  would 
not    like    to  be   reborn   as   anything  else  but   an  Englishman. 
To  him   the  English  people  were    the   salt    of   the  earth   and 
If/   ever   the   world  came   to   an  end  and  there  would  be   only 
two   persons   left   -   another  Adam  and   Eve,    so   to  speak  -    they 
got    to  be  British    this    time. 

We   all  ganged  up   on  him,   being   of  one  opinion  that 
that  would  be  worse   than  the  end  of   the  world   itself,    it 
didn't  break   any    ice  with  him.    If  it  had    to   start   all   over 
again,   only   the  British  breed  would   be  able    to  change    the 
world  into  the  Garden   of  Eden,    the   original  Adam  and  Eve 

had   lost. 

Young  Peter  Wagner  -   as  all  youth  will    -   /^thought 
we  were   just   old   fogies   to    talk   about  death.    He  just  had 
read  "The  Magic  Mountain"  by  Thomas   Mann   and   remembered 
that  Mann  had  written   about  birth  and  death  being   two 
events  we  don't  actually  experience    and   that   they   entirely 
fall    into   the   category   of  objective    events,    the  only  ob- 
jective  events    in   life.    We   come   out   of  the  dark,    so  Thomas 
Mann  had  written,    and   return  to   the   dark.    He   didn't  quote 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of    it! 


-    450    - 


# 


do/ 
exactly  (  and  it  was  the  first  time  that  he  tried  to/so 

at  all),  but  this  was  thdssence:  We  are  bom  and  we  die 

and  life  is  in  between. 

There  must  be  a  purpose  for  life  on  earth,  I  main- 
tained.  Peter  shrugged  his  shoulders.  How  was  he  supposed 
to  know?  He  liked  life  and  wasn't  yet  willing  to  contemplate 
death.  He  would  leave  that  to  poets  and  philosophers  and 
old  fogies  like  us. 

I  had  already  come  to  the  conclusion  that  death  was 
a  friend  and  not  an  enemy  and  said  so.  Death  was  the 
bringer  of  peace,  the  only  peace  we  ever  could  obtain. 

Heinrich  Beutel,  the  accordion  salesman,  who  liked 
to  tell  jokes  as  so  many  of  his  kind  do,  surprised  us 
by  quoting  Horace.  Beutel  wasn't  the  type  to  quote  any 
Latin  poet  and  in  partcular  not  in  Latin.  "Pallida  mors 
aequo  pulsat  pede  .....",  he  began  and  stopped,  seeing 
that  we  were  staring  with  incredulity  at  him  as  if  he 
had  gone  balmy.  He  laughed  with  some  sort  of  embarrass* 
ment.  "I  beg  your  pardon,"  he  apologized.  "My  father  wanted 
me  to  be  a  priest  and  made  me  study  Latin.  Being  with  you 
people  brings  out  the  worst  in  me.  That's  why  I  started 
quoting  in  Latin  which  I  hate  as  one  hates  anything  which 
one  is  forced  to  do  as  a  youth.  Horace  said,  'Pale  death, 
with  Immortal  step,  knocks  at  the  poor  man's  cottage  and 

the  palace  of  the  kings." 


Please y  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  451  - 


Dick  Little  nodded  in  agreement.  "That's  it,"  he  said. 
"We  make  too  much  fuss  about  living,  about  what  and  who  we 
are  -  and  then  death  comes  as  the  great  equalizer.  As  far 
as  I'm  concerned  this  discussion  is  fruitless.  No  one  can 
say  'NO'  to  death.  After  all,  death  makes  its  own  rules. 
Whenever  the  book  of  fate  says  so,  death  comes  and  gets  us." 

It  was  my  turn  to  order  another  round  of^'drinks  or 
beer  for  everybody.  For  a  while  we  kept  kind  of  quiet 
until  the  supposed- to-be  priest  Beutel  quoted  the  bible 
for  no  special  reason  at  all.  It  has  been  and  still  is 
my  experience  that  quoting  from  the  bible  is  contagious. 
Some  one  starts  and  the  others  want f to  show  that  they  knew 
the  so-called  "good"  book  as  well  as  anybody. 

"D^t  thou  art,  and  unto  dust  shalt  thou  return," 
Beutel  declared  as  if  he  had  invented  the  idea. 

Dr.  Medissa,  the  believer  in  the  finality  of  death, 
came  up  with:  "All  flesh  shall  perish  together  and  man 
shall  again  turn  unto  dust." 

■■H  Dick  Little  was  the  next.  "God  will  redeem 
any  soul  from  the  power  of  the  grave:  for  He  shall  receive 


me. 


It 


The  honorable  Mr.  Higginbottom  obviouoly  was  raking 

confirmed/ 
his  brain  in  order  to  remember  a  quotation  which/his  dis- 

belief  in  reincarnation.  But  he  failed.  "There  is  no  life 
after  death,"  he  objected,  "and  nevermind  what  the  bible  says." 


Please,  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-   452   - 


• 


ase 


Peter  Wagner,   who  went   through   the   youthful   ph 
of  being  an   atheist,    assured   us   that   to  him   the  bible 
was   nothing  but    a  book  of    fairy   tales. 

That   got   Fred  Hellering   angry.    "Young  man,"   he   told 

Peter,    "you've   got   to    learn  a    lot.    There's   more   wisdom 

And    then/ 
in   the   bible   than   in   any   other  book  ever  writtcn.VlHBi 

'      he    contributed    his    quotation:/ 
/■■■■■B   flMHBHM    "Fear  not   them  which   kill    the 

body,  but  are  not  able  to  kill  the  soul." 

"And  the  spirit  shall  return  unto  God  who  gave  it," 
said  I. 

The  honorable  Mr.  Higginbottom  opined  that  this  was 
a  strange  way  of  whiling  away  an  evening  in  Iloilo  and  in 
a  bar  to  boot. 

Fred  Hellering  pulled  a  thin,  beautifully  bound  book 
from  his  hip  pocket.  "These  are  stories  and  poems  by  the 
Persian  poet  Kahlil  Gibran."  he  explained  as  he  opened  the 
book  to  a  marked  page . "Please,  allow  me  to  read  this.   Kah- 
lil Gibran  was  deeply  moved  by  the  death  of  his  beloved 
sister  Sultana  and  said  to  a  friend:  'Everything  dies  that 
it  may  be  born  again  in  another  form.  The  rock  dies  to  be- 
come stone  and  pillars  in  a  temple;  the  candle  dies  to  be 
transformed  into  light;  a  piece  of  wood  dies  to  give  birth 
to  the  fire  within  it;  a  fruit  dies  in  turn  Mm  to  give 
birth  to  the  tree.  Everything  goes  back  to  its  origin.  Life 
is  going  forth;  death  is  a  coming  back.  Life  is  an  invest- 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  453  - 


ment;  death  Is  a  dividend.  Life  Is  a  thought  embodied; 
death  Is  a  bodiless  thought.  While  God  Is  both  -  life 


and  death. 


t  ti 


We  all  agreed  that  this  was  a  fitting  ending  to  our 

discussion  and  resolved  that  on  another  evening  we  would 

talk  about  God.  The  bartender  and  owner  of  the  place,  who 

always  listened  to  us,  but  so  far  had  not  contributed  any* 

thing  to  our  conversations,  remarked  that  this  bar  wasn't 

the  morgue  and  that  we  were  morbid.  Besides,  it  was  time 

to  close  for  the  night  and  for  us  to  go  home,  go  to  bed 

and  have  nightmares. 

what/ 

Well,  that's^BI  we  did^  and  I  don't  know  if  any  of 

us  had  mightmares.  However,  this  evening  stayed  in  my 

six/  , 

memory  because/flBB  men  sitting  ina  bar  together  and 

talking  about  death  wasn't  quite  normal.  I  wonder  how 
many  of  us  are  still  alive.  That's  the  way  it  is.  People 
meet,  people  part  and  they  disappear  from  our  personal 
horizon  forever. 

When  I  went  to  bed  that  night  in  my  room  at  the 
Hotel  de  Paris  Tiraothy/reproached  me  that  I  hadn't  brought 
up  the  fact  that  some  people  after  death  become  angels, 
although  he  doubted  that  I  or  any  of  the  five  companions 
of  mine  with  the  exception  of  Dr.  Medissa  perhaps  had 
much  of  a  chance.  The  trouble  with  me  was,  he  complained, 
that  I  was  never  thinking  of  him  because  he  was  only  a 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  454  - 


• 


guardian  angel  and  yet  after  all  he  was  the  most  im- 
portant part  of  my  life.  I  argued  that,  but  to  no  avail. 
•'You  could  have  quoted  from  Hebrews,"  he  said,  "re- 
minding these  barflies  of  yours  that  they  entertained  an 
angel. " 


M 


What  quoCe  from  Hebrews?" 


He  groaned  in  despair.  "You  know  even  less  than  I. 
The  quotation  is:  Be  not  forgetful  to  entertain  strangers: 
for  thereby  some  have  entertained  angels  unawares." 

"Why  didn't  you  tell  me  then  and  there,  and  I'd  have 
obliged  you." 

"What's  the  use?"  Timothy  gave  up.  "You  better  go  to 
sleep.  You  drank  too  much  beer." 

"Two  bottles  are  too  much?"  I  asked  him  in  surprise. 

"For  you  it  is.  You  aren't  a  drinking  man.  You're 
strictly  a  one-bottle-of-beer-man. " 


That  remark  of  Timothy's  reminds  me  of 
the  Japanese  carpenter  who  certainly  was  a  beer-drinking 
man  as  I  learned  the  hard  way.  Icaro  Kono  was  exceptionally 
tall  for  a  Japanese  and  built  like  an  ox.  Once  he  showed 
me  on  the  map  that  he  hailed  from  the  northern  part  of 
Hokaido  Island.  Yet,  I  always  wondered  what  ill  wind  had 
blown  him  to  Hollo  where  he  had  taken  a  native  wife  with 
whom  he  had  Innumerable  children.  He  was  a  jolly  good 


Please  don't  worryl   Nothing  came  of  Itl     -  455  - 


fellow   I  hope  that  he  and  his  family  weren't  harmed  after 
the  Japanese  invasion. 

Dr.  Medissa,  though,  was  always  suspcious  of  him.  He 
believed  Itaro  Kono  to  be  a  spy  or  perhaps  a  Japanese  array 
intelligence  officer  planted  in  Iloilo  to  take  over  in 
case  of  war.  I  doubted  it  and  still  do  so  because  there 
was  nothing  sinister  or  suspicious  about  him.  He  was  the 
kind  of  likeable  character  one  seldom  meets  in  life.  In 
fact^  he  was  a  very  gentle  man  who  did  not  know  his  own 
strength  and  he  never  displayed  any  great  mental  capacity 
which^  I  guess,  would  have  been  expected  of  a  spy.  But  then 
I*m  not  an  authoritu=<^  on  spies  and  even  do  not  understand 
any  spy  stories.  However,  in  my  opinion  the  Japanese  were 
in  no  need  of  having  an  agent  on  Panay  Island  which  to  the 
best  of  my  knowledge  was  militarily  unprotected.  We  human 
beings  always  tend  to  believe  the  bad  rather  than  the  good. 
We  did  so  after  Pearl  Harbor  on  the  West  Coast  of  America 
by  giving  in  to  a  mindless  hysteria  against  our  Japanese- 
American  citizens.  We  deprived  them  of  their  freedom  and 
their  hard  earned  property  without  due  process  of  law. 
No  -  I  do  not  think  or  even  believe  that  Itaro  Kono  was 
a  spy.  He  called  me  his  friend  and  I'm  still  proud  of  it. 

Itaro  and  I  had  many  conversations  with  each  other 
although  neither  he  understood  what  I  said  nor  I  what  he 

said.  I  had  invented  the  kind  of  sign  language  which  solved 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  456  - 


• 


our  communication  problem.  He  knew  Japanese.  Spanish  and 
a  smattering  of  the  native  dialect,  but  neither  German 
nor  English  which  left  me  out  as  far  as  languages  were 
concerned.  The  boss  had  hired  him  to  built  all  the  shelves 
in  the  stockroom  and  a  number  of  other  wooden  fixtures. 
The  sales  tables  in  the  store  had  been  shipped  from  Manila. 
Whenever  there  was  some  carpenter  work  to  be  done  in  the 
store  or  stockroom  I  called  on  him,  o/  course.  He  was  a 
darned  good  craftsman  and  much  in  demand  all  over  the 
island  which  he  knew  like  his  pants  pockets.  His  work- 
shop was  across  from  our  store  next  to  the  gambling  den. 
Working  or  not,  he  always  had  a  bottle  of  beer  at  hand. 
I  never  did  figure  out  how  many  bottles  he  drank  each 
day  without  ever  getting  really  drunk.  Next  to  the 
Germans  the  Japanese  are  supposed  to  be  the  most  beer- 
drinking  people  in  the  world. 

The  two  of  us  communicated  with  one  word./only  and 
that  was:  Sukiyaki,  the  name  of  a  Japanese  dish  known 
all  over  the  world  except  in  Japan.  Having  eaten  Suki- 
yaki on  several  occasions  in  Shanghai  (and  how  delicious 

most  familiar/ 
it  is)^  it  happened  to  be  the/igg§,   Japanese  word  I  knew 

one/ 
then.  However,  ItarO  taught  me  another/SI*,  quite  fitting 

for  him,  and  that  was:  Kampai  or  Bottoms  up.  Anyway,  we 
got  into  the  habit  of  using  the  sord  Sukiyaki  as  our  means 
of  communication.  At  first  he  almost  died  of  laughter  when 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  457  - 


I  started  this  Sukiyaki  business.  If  I  wanted  him  to 

build  something,  I  showed  hi^ffhow  large  and  wide  it  had 

to  be  with  my  hands,  always  accentuating  everything  with 

*'Sukiyaki  here  and  Sukiyaki  there*'.  We  got  along  famously 

and  not  once  did  he  repair  or  build  anything  the  wrong 

way  since  we  also  used  a  measuring  tape. 

One  day  he  invited  me  to  a  drinking  tour  of  lloilo. 

He  put  his  beer  bottle  to  his  lips  and  then  made  a  sweep* 

ing  move  with  his  hands.  After  that  he  pointed  to  his 

store  across  the  street  and/holding  up  eight  fingers 

made  it  clear  that  we  were  to  meet  there  at  eight  in 

the  evening.  It  was  quite  a  sukiyaki  palaver.  At  last 

he  astonished  me  by  clearly  saying  several  times  -  Folies 

Bergere.  I  was  dumbfounded,  but  how  could  I  ask  with  the 

one  word  Sukiyaki  what  he  meant  by  Folies  Bergere?  Had  he 

been  to  Paris  or  what?  For  me  there  was  only  one  Folie 

Bergere  in  the  world.  Or  at  least  that  was  what  I  thought. 

Itaru  repeated  "Folies  Bergere"several  times  and  grinned 

lascii^iously.  The  latter  I  understood.  The  Folies  Bergere 

was/ 
in  Paris^iiii  famous  for  its  lavish  productions  of  girl 

in  which/ 
revue s^/MHi  Tor   the  first  time  topless  dancers  performed. 

Many  distinguished  entertainers  were  created  there  like 
Mistinguette,  Josephine  Baker,  Ivonne  Menard,  whose  special- 
ty was  to  dance  with  no  other  wearing  apparel  but  a  pearl 
necklace  and  ^  g- string.  The  name  Folies  Bergere  also 
brought  to  my  memory  names  like  Maurice  Chevalier,  Fer- 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  458  - 


# 


• 


nandel  and  the  clown  Crock.  I  pointed  with  my  right  in- 

dex  finger  to  the  temple  of  my  head.  ItartJ  was  crazy. 

No  Folies  Bergere  in  lloilo,  but  he  nodded  vigorously. 

••Si.  amigo."  he  said.  "Folies  Bergere  lloilo."  This 

definitely  aroused  my  curiosity.  In  my  mind  I  saw  tfV 

Manet's  famous  painting  €f   the  Folies  Bergere.  Anyway, 

this  Folies  Bergere  business  induced  me  to  accept  his 

invitation  against  my  better  judgment.  Although  Itaro 

was  feared  and  liked  for  his  enormous  strength,  lloilo 

as  well  as  the  entire  island  of  Panay  was  anythihg  but 

safe  for  an  expedition  at  night.  I  didn't  mention  this 

would  have  written  to  her/ 

invitation  in  my  letters  to  Annie.  If  yjptti^ 
that  my  friend  ItarO  had  invited  me  to  visit  the  Folies 
Bergere,  she  would  have  thougli^I  had  flipped  at  last. 
ItarO  happily  grinned  all  over  his  broad  face 

* 

when  I  kept  my  promise  and  met  him  at  eight  that  evening. 
He  pumped  my  hand  so  vigorously  that  I  was  afraid  he  had 
cracked  all  the  bones.  We  started  out  by  dropping  in  at  a 
number  of  little  drinking  places,  I  had  never  seen  before. 
He  was  known  everywhere  and  always  ordered  beer.  After 
the  third  bottle  I  faked  the  drinking.  Itaro  consumed 
an  aro6unt  of  beer  which  would  have  felled  men  like  Her- 
cules or  Henry  the  Eighth  or  even  a  red-necked  Bavarian 
who  had  been  raised  with  beer  instead  of  milk.  He  drank 
his  beer  strictly  from  the  battle  and  pinched  all  the 


Please,   don't  worry!   Nothing  came  of   It! 


-  459  - 


female  behlnds  he  could  reach.  The  more  he  drank,  the 
jollier  he  got  In  his  own  bearlike  way.  During  that  one 
night  he  must  have  guzzled  at  least  thirty  bottles  of 
beer  and  pinc^d  or  slapped  «  probably  more  than  twice 
as  many  female  butts.  I  was  slightly  intoxicated  after 
my  third  bottle.  Otherwise  I'm  sure  1  wouldn't  have 
climbed  again  and  again  into  Itartl.'s  small  English  car' 
which  he  drove  like  a  madman.  Timothy  lost  almost  what- 
ever mind  he  has.  He  begged  me,  he  pleaded  with  me  to 
give  up,  but  to  no  avail.  I  had  a  heck  of  a  good  time 
watching  Itaro  at  his  oft^iest.    Finally  Timothy  warned 
me  he  couldn't  keep  us  from  having  an  accident  with  me 
getting  injured  and  ItarO  killed.  I  refused  to  listen 
until  I  had  seen  the  Folies  Bergere. 

It  must  have  been  way  past  midnight  when  at  last 
we  drove  out  of  the  city  and  along  bum^  roads  with 
nothing  but  fat  coconut  palm  trees  at  each  side.  It 
was  pitch-dark  and  I  kept  my  fingers  on  my  Beretta  in 
case  we  were  stopped  by  a  gang  of  highway  robbers.  Itam 
drove  without  regard  to  any  obstacles,  careening  from  one 
side  to  the  other,  circumventing  the  palm  trees  without 
as  much  as  scratching  them.  I  huddled  in  my  seat  next 
to  him,  scared  to  death,  but  I  stuck  to  my  bargain  of 
visiting  with  Itaro  the  Hollo  Folies  Bergere.  All  the 
while  my  Japanese  friend  lustily  sang  in  Japanese,  Spanish 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  460  - 


and  what  I  assumed  was  Ilbllonese.  I  was  drenched  in  sweat 
when  after  an  hour  we  at  last  reached  a  clearing  with  a 
row  of  dismal  Nipa  huts  alongside  a  forlorn  beach.  Nipa 
huts  are  made  of  bamboo  poles  with  Nipa  palm  thatch  roofs. 
They  stand  on  high  stilts  and  one  has  to  climb  unsafe  ladders 
to  get  up  to  thera. 

Nipa  palms  grow  only  in  Southern  Asia,  especially  in 
the  Philippines.  Its  fibers  are  being  used  for  mats,  its 
leaves  for  thatching,  its  stems  for  building  material, 
and  its  drupes  (fruits),  which  grow  in  large  bundles, 
furnish  edible  kernels. 

Itaru  braked  the  car  to  a  screeching  stop,  then  got 
out  on  somewhat  unsteady  feet  and  beckoned  me  to  follow 
him.  He  pointed  to  one  of  these  huts  and  proudly  proclaimed: 

Folies  Bergere' .  My  God,  I  thought,  that  was  impossible. 
But  it  wasn't.  Like  the  ramshackle,  unpainted,  weather-stain- 
ed wooden  building,  in  which  I  had  rented  a  room,  grandiose- 
ly called  itself  "Hotel  de  Paris",  so  this  swinging  and  sway- 
ing stilted  Nipa  hut  bore  the  name,  painted  on  a  sign, "Folies 

> 
Bergere".  I  didn't  trust  myself  to  climb  the  bamboo  ladder 

behind  Itartf,  but  my  curiosity  and  the  three  bottles  of 
beer  got  the  better  of  me.  If  Itara,  weighing  more  than 
two  hundred  pounds,  had  made  a  single  slip  and  had  fallen 
down,  he  would  have  crashed  me  to  death.  Timothy  climbed 
between  the  two  of  us  and  I  could  hear  him  muttering  some- 
thing to  the  effect  that  I  wasn't  only  crazy,  but  also 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  461  - 


stark-raving  mad. 

The  entire  Hollo  Folles  Bergere  consisted  of  one 
square  room  of  about  twelve  by  ^A^felve  feet.  Its  floor 
was  covered  with  multi-colored  nipa  mats.  At  one  side 
was  a  small  bar,  or  at  least  what  looked  like  one.  Behind 
it  sat  a  fat  madam*  who  heaved  herself  up  at  the  sight  of 
us.  She  greeted  Itara  with  great  affection  by  throwing  her 
lubberly  arms  around  his  neck  while  he  slapped  her  elephan- 
tine behind.  The  hut  began  to  sway  dangerously,  and  I  felt 
better  when  she  seated  us  at  one  of  the  three  small,  round 
tables.  We  were  the  only  guests  present.  However,  I  didn't 
yet  know  that  the  other  Nipa  huts  were  annexes  to  the 
Follies  Bergere.  IBHi  They  were  rented  out  for  private 
entertainment  with  one  of  the  Folles  Bergere  girls.  Four 
of  these  girls  were  seated  on  a  bench,  waiting  for  customers 
They  were  topless  and  their  tiny  breasts  wfe  simply  ridi- 
culous. The  madamf  cranked  an  old-fashioned  graramophone 
and  turned  it  on.  The  record  produced  a  grating  piece  of 
music  which  must  have  been  played /deveral  thousand  times. 
The  girls  began  to  dance  a  kind  of  hula-hula.  They  moved 
nothing  but  their  little  behlnds  and  shook  their  teeny- 
weeny  breasts  up  and  down  as  far  as  that  was  possible. 
I  got  dizzy  from  the  swaying  of  the  hut  and,  feeling  al- 
most like  a  pole-sitter,  didn't  like  it  at  all.  Before  I 
knew  it  one  of  the  small  girls  had  deposited  herself  on 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  carae  of  it.' 


-  462  - 


my  lap,  one  of  her  arms  around  my  neck.  Two  others  had 
taken  po^ssion  of  Itartf  who  Just  embraced  them  like  a 
bear-mother  her  puppies.  I  didn't  know  what  to  do  with 
my  girl.  Could  I  dare  pushing  her  off  my  lap  or  what?  All 
I  could  think  of  was  what  Annie  would  say  if  she  could  see 
me  now.  I  would  have  been  embarrassed  to  death. 

The  madamt  brought  us  some  pink,  foamy  liquid  in 
coconut  shells.  I  made  the  mistake  of  taking  a  big,  long 
sip  and  almost  choked  on  it.  Then  I  started  to  cough  vio- 
lently which  threw  the  girl  to  the  floor.  I  never  had  tasted 
anything  like  it  and  never  fouTld  out  what  it  was.  It  must 
have  been  some  fermented  fruit  juice  or  a  combination  of 
fruit  juices  which  could  kill  anyone  but  Itar»  who  swallowed 
the  whole  contents  of  his  coconut  shell.  He  rose  to  his 
feet,  carrying  his  two  girls  like  dolls  and  began  to  dance 
like  a  Russian  Cossack.  The  wildly  swaying  of  the  hut  plus 
the  one  sip  of  my  drink  had  made  me  seasick.  I  headed  for 
the  bamboo  ladder  and  never  knew  how  I  made  it  safely  down 
to  terra  firraa.  I  remember  seeing  Itaro  also  coming  down 
with  his  two  girls  and  then  all  three  climbing  another 
ladder  to  one  of  the  neighboring  huts.  I  crawled  on  all 
fours  to  the  beach  where  I  must  have  passed  out,  dead  to 
the  world.  The  incoming  tide  gently  lapped  at  my  feet  and 
I  scarcely  noticed  it.  I  could  have  drowned,  or  been  robbed 
and  stabbed  to  death,  I  wouldn't  have  known.  Timothy  later 


Please,   don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of   it! 


-  463  - 


told  mc  that  he  had  sat  watch  over  me  and  that  he  had  had 
a  strong  desire  to  spank  me  like  a  father  would  spank  a 
naughty  child  if  he  only  had  had  the  physical  ability  to 


do  so. 


It  must  have  been  dawn  when  ItarO  shook  me  awake.  I 
didn't  know  if  I  had  been  drugged  or  what.  That  one  sip§ 
from  the  coconut  shell  certainly  had  gotten  to  me.  I  woke 
up  and  was  surprised  that  I  was  in  Itar<r's  car  in  front 
of  the  Hotel  de  Paris.  I  was  unable  to  move  a  limb.  ItarQ 
carried  me  like  a  baby  to  my  room  and  put  me  to  bed.  1  was 
his  friend.  His  real,  true  friend.  No  other  fo-^igner  ever 
before  had  gone  out  with  him  and  I  couldn't  blame  them.  It 
was  an  experience  I  didn't  repeat.  One  time  was  quite  enough. 


I  had  written  to  my  boss  in  Manila,  urging 
him  to  relieve  me  of  my  job  and  send  a  replacement  as  per 
our  agreement.  As  far  as  Iloilo  went,  I  had  had  it.  Besides, 
I  missed  Annie  so  badly  that  it  did  hurt  me,  and  I  was  needed 
in  Manila  to  complete  the  final  arrangements  for  immigration 
to  the  United  States.  I  had  suggested  in  my  letter  to  engage 
young  Peter  Wagner  for  the  management  of  the  Iloilo  store. 
He  was  living  in  Iloilo  anyway,  knew  the  people  and  it 
wouldn't  be  much  trouble  to  work  him  in.  I  should  have 
known  better.  Nobody  likes  to  be  told  what  to  do.  My  boss 

wasn't  different.  If  I  had  let  him  know,  I  had  heard  a 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  464  - 


rumor  that  he  wanted  to  install  Peter  Wagner  and  that  I 
had  my  doubts  of  the  wisdom  of  such  a  step,  Peter  most 
possibly  would  have  gotten  the  job  because  after  all  he 
would  have  been  a  logical  choice.  I  had  used  the  wrong 
psychology  and  consequently  my  boss  rejected  the  idea. 
He  wrote  to  me  quite  succinctly:  "I  received  ^our  letter, 
recommending  Mr.  Wagner  for  the  Iloilo  store.  I  have  de- 
cided to  send  our  Mr.  Fischer  to  take  your  place,  inas- 
much as  I  have  confidence  in  him  and  have  studied  his 
character  during  the  time  he  worked  here.  He  is  of  course 
handicapped  by  his  poor  English,  but  I  am  sure  this  will 
come  in  time,  althemore,  if  he  has  to  depend  on  himself." 

Well,  Mr.  Fischer  (whom  I  had  not  met  before)  arrived 
a  week  before  I  was  going  to  leave  and  within  a  day  I  knew 
that  he  certainly  was  not  the  type  to  depend  on  himself 
in  a  place  like  Iloilo.  He  was  a  refugee  from  Vienna,  a 
nice  fellow,  unmarried  and  very  timid.  Gushi  had  trained 
him  well  enough  in  the  Manila  store  so  that  it  was  easy 
for  me  to  acquaint  him  with  his  work  in  Iloilo.  But  that 
was  totally  insufficient.  He  was  too  much  of  an  introvert 
and  didn't  know  how  to  assert  himself.  After  once  accom=- 
panying  me  to  the  dirty  bar  in  the  afternoon  and  to  the 
clean  one  in  the  evening,  where  I  introduced  him  to  my 
friends,  he  refused  to  go  again.  In  regard  to  the  natives 
and  the  store  employees  he  was  completely  lost.  I  had  a 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  465  - 


feeling  he  was  afraid  of  them  and  dreaded  the  moment  when 
I  was  going  to  leave  him  to  himself. 

My  family-murderer  Romeo  noticed  his  fear  immediately 
as  an  animal  always  will.  I  warned  him  to  be  on  his  best 
behaviour  if  he  didn't  want  to  break  his  parole.  But  1 
could  tell  from  the  way  he  acted  toward  Fischer  that  he 
would  take  advantage  of  him.  My  friend  Itar^y  disapproved 
also.  He  sadly  shook  his  head  as  if  he  felt  sorry  for 
Fischer.  No  Fo^^es  Bergere  for  him. 

Two  days  prior  to  ray  departure  the  kind  of  incident 
happened  which  very  much  bewildered  Fischer.  Felipe  appear=» 
ed  in  the  store  for  the  first  time  after  I  had  surprised 
him  and  Felicitas  on  the  bed  of  pillows.  Fischer  and  I 
happened  to  be  standing  together  in  the  rear  of  the  store. 
When  I  saw  Felipe,  I  told  Fischer  not  to  interfere.  After 
all,  I  didn't  want  to  get  him  involved  in  my  trouble  with 
this  young  ragamuffin.  The  boy  approached  me  like  a  cat  on 
the  prowl,  walking  on  the  tip  of  his  toes  as  if  he  were  going 
to  Jump  me  at  any  moment.  I  waited  for  him,  but  had  my 
Beretta  ready  in  my  pocket  with  my  finger  on  the  trigger. 
I  trusted  Felipe  as  much  as  I  would  trust  a  man-eating 
tiger  on  the  loose. 

When  he  at  least  confronted  me,  he  sneered,  *'I  heard 
you're  lej/ing  us  day  after  tomorrow." 

I  nodded.  "You've  heard  right,  Felipe." 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  466  - 


He  grinned  mischievously.  "Remember  what  I  promised 
you?  You  won't  leave  Iloilo  alive." 

Again  I  nodded.  "Yes  -  on  my  last  day  here  you're  go- 
ing to  kill  me  -  unless  I  kill  you  first,"  I  warned  him. 

Once  again  my  eyes  weren't  fast  enough  to  see  from 
where  he  got  his  bolo  knife,  but  he  had  it  in  his  hand  and 
pressed  the  tip  on  my  abdomen.  This  time  I  was  better  pre- 
pared and  almost  acted  as  fast  as  he .  1  punched  him  into 
his  solar  plexus  as  hard  as  1  could  manage.  He  hadn't  ex- 
pected it  and  doubled  over,  groaning  as  he  straightened  up 
again.  After  retreating  a  few  steps  he  swore  at  me,  "Mono 
peludo"  which  means  something  like  "hairy  ape".  Then  I 
heard  Timothy  hissing  into  my  ear,  "Duckl",  and  duck  I 
did  just  in  time.  I  could  hear  the  knife  swishing  past 
my  neck  with  less  than  an  inch  to  spare.  It  embedded  it- 
self into  the  wooden  partition  between  the  store  and  the 
stockroom.  I  had  my  Beretta  out,  but  couldn't  shoot,  afraid 
of  hitting  an  innocent  bystander.  But  the  sight  of  the  little 
gun  sufficed.  Felipe  ran  out,  shouting  at  the  door  back  to 
me:  "I'll  get  you,  Mr.  Bull's-Eye.  I'll  get  you  for  sure 
now.  Please,  don't  worryf  Nothing  came  of  it  I 

As  brave  as  I  had  acted  outwardly,  as  scared  I  had 
really  been  -  and  more  so  after  it  was  all  over.  It  took 
a  few  seconds  to  get  myself  under  control  again.  Then  I 
turned  around  and  pulled  the  knife  out  of  the  wodden  wall. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  467  - 


I  was  sure  he  could  have  hit  me  exactly  In  my  throat  If 
he  wanted  to.  Felipe  was  too  good  with  the  bolo  knife.  I 
looked  at  Fischer.  That  poor  fellow  trembled  all  over.  His 
face  was  as  white  as  a  sheet.  I  took  him  back  to  my  office. 

"Man,"  I  said,"  I  was  as  shook  as  you,  but  for  heaven's 
sake  don't  ever  show  It,  or  you'll  bcmost  around  here.  If 
you  don't  assert  youi;^elf,  you  might  as  well  askfll  to  be 
recalled  right  now  and  I'll  put  Peter  Wagner  in  charge, 
nevermind  what  the  boss  says.  These  people  here  aren't  bad. 
They're  like  children.  They  want  kindness,  but  you've  to 
show  them  that  you're  the  authority  here  In  this  store." 

I  could  see  that  It  was  of  little  use.  Of  all  pro=» 
fesslons  he  had  been  a  kindergarten  teacher  in  Vienna  until, 
of  course,  the  Nazis  had  usurped  his  native  Austria. He 
never  had  met  with  any  violence  other  than  tantrums  from 
nasty,  little  kids.  I  was  tempted  to  wire  Manila  to  recall 
him,  but  how  was  I  to  explain  the  reasons  why?  The  bods 
wouldn't  have  accepted  my  advice  anyway.  Hollo  certainly 
was  no  place  for  a  soft  soul  like  Fischer's.  He  never  would 
learn  how  to  cope  on  his  own.  Moreover,  he  refused  my  offer 
to  leave  the  Beretta  with  him.  He  wouldn't  even  touch  the 
little  revolver  when  I  held  it  out  to  him.  He  was  a  doomed 
man  in  Hollo  and  as  It  turned  out  he  was  even  too  timid 
to  quit  his  job  and  so  he  committed  suicide  a  year  later. 

Life  outside  Vienna  was  no  life  for  hlra. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  468  - 


Well,  it  seems  obvious  that  Felipe  didn't  kill  me 
the  day  I  departed  from  Iloilo.  I  had  asked  Itaru  to  be 
my  bodyguard/Bi  accompany'^ me  to  the  dock  and  stay  with 
me  until  I  had  boarded  the  "Don  Esteban".  No  attempt  on 
my  life  was  made.  As  always  Timothy  took  credit  for  it 
and  maybe  what  he  told  me  was  true.  The  fact  was  that 
Felipe  met  with  an  accident  the  previous  night  and  was 
laid  up  with  a  broken  leg.  Timothy  claimed  that  he  had 
arranged  the  accident.  He  could  have  although  I  had  my 
doubts.  But  who  was  I  to  argure  with  him?  Besides,  I  had 
taken  the  precaution  to  have  a  talk  with  the  police  chief 
who  in  turn  had  a  talk  with  Felipe's  father.  With  or  with- 
out Timothy's  allegeflL  interference  Felipe  most  probably 
would  not  have  tried  to  kill  me.  I  had  heard  that  he  had 
an  awesome  respect  for  his  father's  anger. 

My  friends  from  the  clean  bar  were  assembled  at  the 
pier  to  bid  me  farewell  and  so  was  Fischer.  The  poor  fellow 
looked  miserable  and  little  did  I  blame  him.  I  tried  my 
best  to  pep  him  up.  I  had  Introduced  him  to  the  honorable 
Mr.  Hlgginbottom  as  well  as  to  the  others,  but  it  proved 
to  be  of  no  use.  Peter  Wagner  wrote  to  me  later  that  Fischer 
never  showed  up  at  any  of  the  two  bars.  Peter's  parents 
had  asked  him  for  dinner.  They  were  the  only  ones  to  whom 
he  would  go  every  once  In  a  while,  but  only  after  he  got 
invited  first.  Otherwise  he  had  no  contacts.  He  was  a 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  A69  - 


very  lonely  man  who  was  unable  to  accept  his  status  as 
a  refugee.  He  deeply  longed  for  his  beloved  Vienna  al- 
though the  Nazis  there  had  killed  his  entire  family. 
Vienna  to  him  was  the  center  of  the  universe.  He  was  one 


of  those  unfortunate  refugees  who 
not  want  to  adjust. 


could  not  and  did 


The  last  few  weeks  in  Manila  passed  with- 
out incident  -  except  one.  In  fact,  the  future  looked 
rosier  than  it  had  since  we  had  fled  from  Naz i- Germany . 
We  easily  passed  our  physical  examinations  which  was  a 
pre-requisite  for  obtaining  American  immigration  visas. 
The  German  consul  had  yielded  to  the  pressure  of  the 
American  vice-Consul  and  re- instated  our  German  pass- 
ports until  January  4th.  The  only  worry  we  had  were  the 
five  hundred  dollars  we  still  owed  the  German  ship  line 
for  the  passage  to  New  York.  We  had  no  choice  but  to  trust 
in  God.  Besides,  I  still  was  a  strong  believer  that  money 
has  the  pleasant  habit  of  coming  to  you  when  you  needJi  it. 

Very  few  refugees  who  at  that  time  immigrated  to 
the  United  States  had  jobs  waiting  for  them.  I  had  one 
and  thus  could  assure  the  American  Vice  Consul  that  we 
wouldn't  be  destitute  after  our  arrival  in  New  York.  When 
my  boss  finally  had  been  convinced  that  I  would  leave,  he  had 
persuaded  his  uncle  in  New  York  to  offer  me  a  job  as 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  470  - 


# 


merchandiser  for  the  Far  East  market.  At  least,  with  me 
on  the  spot  in  New  York  the  Continental  Stores  would  not 
get  anymore  the  many  items  which  weren't  saleable  in  the 
Philippine  Islands.  In  a  letter  to  me  the  u^le  confimed 
my  employment  at  a  salary  of  one  hundred  and  fifty  dollars 
a  month.  Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 

During  the  last  weeks  prior  to  our  departure  I  managed 
the  second  Continental  store  on  Rizal  Street  where  we  had 
a  continuous  "fire  sale",  that  is  we  got  rid  of  damaged 
goods.  Annie,  though,  had  lost  her  job,  but  we  could 
get  along  without  it.  We  had  our  reservation  for  a  second 


class  cabin  on  the  SS  Gneisenau  to  London  and  from  the 


re 


three  days  later  on  the  SS  Europa  to  New  York  -  if 


we 


were   able    to   come   up  with    the    requested    five  hundred 
dollars   on   or  before   Ctetober   31st.    How  we  would   be  able 
to  do    that  was   a  mystery.    My  boss    refused   to  lend  me    the 
money  with  my   expected   salary   in  New  York  as  collateral. 
His   uncle   could  deduct    twenty-five   dollars    each  month 
from  my   salary  until    the    loan  was    repaid.    I^was    no  deuce. 
He  was    stubborn   to   the    last,    hoping  I'd  have   to   stay    in 
Manila.    But   God  came    through  as   He   always  did  when  we  were 
in  a  pinch. 


On   the   3oth  of  October   I   received   a  cablegram  f 


rom 


the  Philadelphia  publisher,  to  whom  I  had  mailed  my  book 
manuscript  despite  his  previous  refusal  to  read  it.  The 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   It  I 


-  471  - 


cablegram  advised  me  that  they  would  publish  the  book  and 
had  wired  to  me  an  advance  rbyalty  payment  of  five  hundred 
dollars.  That  was  all.'  Short  and  to  the  point.  Annie  and 
I  performed  an  Indian  dance  in  our  room  which  shook  the 

whole  house  and  gave  Timothy  the  creeps.  He  thought,  we 

I  had/ 
had  gone  out  of  our  minds  untiylv  translated  the  contents 

of  the  cablegram  to  him.  Our  landlady  might  have  thrown  us 

out  if  we  hadn't  already  given  her  notice  for  November  19th. 

All  of  a  sudden  everything  was  in  apple  pie  order  except 

for  our  washer  woman.  When  she  heard  of  our  going  away, 

she  took  advantage  of  it  and  filed  a  complaint  with  the 

Department  of  Labor  in  Manila  that  we  owed  her  twenty 

dollars  in  unpaid  wages  for  the  last  two  months.  The 

Labor  Department  in  a  very  official  document  informed  us 

that  we  could  not  depart  unless  this  matter  was  settled. 

That  woman  had  us  cjver  the  barrel  and  she  knew  it.  We 

couldn't  wait  for  our  day  in  court  some  time  in  the  future 

and  neither  had  we  written  proof  that  we  had  paid  her  in 

full.  We  never  had  asked  her  for  a  receipt. 


I  tried  to  remonstrate  with  the  Labor  Department,  but 
to  no  avail.  The  man  in  charge  was  not  unfriendly,  but 
firm.  A  bureaucrat  is  a  bureaucrat  anywhere  in  the  world 
and  to  him  a  claim  was  a  claim.  It  had  to  be  settled  one  way 
or  the  other.  If  we  couldn't  wait  for  our  day  in  court, 
we  had  to  pay  that  woman  plus  court  costs  or  else.  The 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  472  - 


# 


"or  else"  decided  us  to  pay  the  fraudulent  claim. 

There  was  another  unexpected  trouble.  We  needed  some 
winter  clothing.  When  we  opened  our  metal-lined  over-seas 
trunk,  which  the  American  Red  Cross  had  rescued  for  us 
from  Shanghai,  it  was  empty  except  for  a  small  heap  of 
dust  which  was  the  moth- repellent  powder  we  had  spread 
among  our  winter  clothing  including  Annie's  fur  coat,  so 
much  admired  by  the  Chinese  peasants  in  the  Manchurian 
mail  train.  Some  special  kind  of  ferocious  termites  or 
tropical  ants  had  bored  themselves  through  the  metal  of 
the  trunk  and  had  feasted  on  our  non-tropical  wear.  There 
was  nothing  left  but  several  buttons.   We  were  faced 
with  the   impossible,  frigthening  fact  to  travel  into 
the  European  and  American  winter  in  tropical  outfits 
and  probably  freeze  to  death.  We  simply  couldn't  afford 
to  spend  our  money  on  winter  clothing  which  was  pretty 
expensive  in  Manila  and  hard  to  get.  It  was  a  real  dilemna. 

A  few  days  before  we  had  to  leave  a  number  of  Jewish 
refugee  physicians  and  their  families  had  arrived  from 
Nazi-occupied  Austria.  They  badly  needed  tropical  outfits 
unless  they  wanted  to  perspire  their  lives  away.  We  scouted 
around  until  we  luckily  found  a  couple  approximately  the 
same  size  as  ours  and  offered  them  six  tropical  suits 
and  as  many  light  dresses  for  one  wool  suit  and  overcoat 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  473  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  474  - 


for  me  and  two  warm  dresses  and  an  overcoat  for  Annie.  We 
made  the  exchange  to  our  mutual  satisfaction,  but  we  couldn't 
give  away  all  our  tropical  wear  because  we  would  still  need 
some  until  we  had  passed  through  the  Suez  Canal.  On  the  other 
hand  this  one  couple  benefited  from  the  exchange  until 
they  could  fend  for  themselves.  ' 

We  never  had  understood  that  the  Austrian  Jews  had  not 
heeded  the  warning  of  what  was  in  store  for  them  after  Hitler 
usurped  Germany.  He  had  not  made  any  secret  of  his  ambition 
to  annex  Austria.  The  Austrian  Jews  had  five  years  time  to 
emigrate,  but  few  of  them  did  before  it  was  too  late.  When 


in  1938  the  Anschluss  came,  they  learned 


that  the  Austrian 


Nazis  were  even  more  brutal  than  their  German  counterparts. 

need  for  a/ 
They  had  had  no/soothseeer  or  a  Jeane  Dixon  to  warn  them, 

but  they  had  been  more  stupid  and  complacent  than  the 
German  Jews  had  been. 

The  basic  truth  in  life  is  that  all  pains  and  mis- 
fortune pass  and  only  happiness  prevails.  Whatever  happens 
to  us,  bad  or  good,  we  always  can  find  solace  in  our  prayers 
to  God,  thanking  Him  for  the  manifold  blessings  He  bestows 
on  us.  I  remember  a  sentence  a  young  girl  spoke  in  a  TV 
play  recently.  She  was  by  profession  a  guitar  player  and 
folk  singer,  but  a  progressive  brain  illness  would  sooner  or 
later  first  end  her  capacity  to  use  her  fingers  for  playing 


of  the  fate  awaiting  her,  she  said  with  a  beautiful  smile 

on  her  face:  "When  I  can't  play  the  guitar  anymore,  I  still 

can  sing,  and  when  I  can't  sing  anymore,  1  still  can  listen 
to  music." 

And  so  it  is.  When  a  loved  one  dies,  one  still  has  the 
memory  of  him  or  her.  Anyone  who  says  that  everything  happens 
to  him  commits  blasphemy.  God's  modus  operandi  is  always  on 
our  side,  for  we  do  not  know  if  death  is  not  a  blessing.  It 
might  well  be  the  most  wonderful  blessing  each  one  of  us 
is  destined  to  experience.  "The  pain  of  living  is  far  worse 
than  the  pain  of  death  and  all  pain  is  inevitable,"  so  wrote 
Taylor  Caldwell  in  her  book  about  St.  Paul  "Great  Lion  of 
God".  And  then  she  also  wrote:  "Man's  life  at  its  best  is  f 
brief  and  full  of  trouble  and  pain  and  despair,  and  there 
is  not  a  man  alive  today  who  will  not  be  dead  in  less  than 
one  hundred  years  from  now,  and  few  among  us  will  be  re- 
membered, no  matter  if  they  were  evil  or  iust,  saints  or 
demons,  traitors  or  patriots."  And  so  it  is.  We  should 
never  worry  about  trivia  and  all  is  trivia  measured  in 
eternity.  Yet,  we  are  made  to  worry  •  but  that,  too,  seems 
to  be  God's  will. 

During  the  previous  months  the  news  about  the  atrocious 
persecution  of  the  Jews  in  Nazi -Germany and  Nazi-Austria  had 
grown  increasingly  worse.  We  felt  more  and  more  concerned 


the  guitar  and  then  destroy  her  vocal  cords.  When  she  heard 


about  my  parents  who  were  still  in  Hamburg  and  naturally 


Please,  don*t  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-   475   - 


felt  overwhelmingly   relieved  when  a  day   prior   to   our 

Manila/ 
departure    f rom^HMf  we    received    the   good  news   that   they 

had   successfully  escaped   to   Sweden. 

Although    the   Nazi    authorities  had   forced  my    father 

to   sell  his  manufacturing  plant    and   other   holdings   at    ten 

percent  of   the   actual  value,   my   parents  were    luckvito  have 

been   saved   from  tortjures   and  death   in  a   gas   chamber.    The 

irony,  of  course  was,  that  it  had  not  mattered  whether  or 

not  my  father  received  ten  percent  or  nothing  for  his 

property  because  he  could  not  take  a  penny  with  him  to 

Sweden.  As  we  all,  they  also  had  become  penniless  refugees, 

but  they  at  least  were  not  alone  in  Sweden.  Both  my  sisters 

were  living  there. 

of  our  passports/ 
The  temporary  validity/as  well  as  the  United  States 

immigrations  visas  did,  of  course,  not  protect  us  against 

abduction  by  the  Gestapo  on  the  German  ship.  If  wd  had  been 

apprehensive  while  we  were  evacuated  from  Shanghai  on  a 

German  ship,  we  were  much  more  so  when  we  boarded  once 

again  the  SS  Gneisenau  to  start  our  journey  from  East  to 

West. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  476  - 


CHAPTER  EIGHT 


FROM  EAST  TO  WEST 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing 
came  of  itl  The  abduction,  I  mean  -  although  there  were 
two  instances  which  might  well  have  been  a  warning  and 
an  attempt  if  it  had  not  been  for  Timothy's  caution.  He 
was  on  the  alert  all  the  time.  I  must  say  that  much  for 
him  and  give  him  credit  where  credit  is  due.  Otherwise 
he  was  more  than  happy  about  leaving  the  Far  East  for 
good  and  being  -  at  least  for  a  few  weeks  -  on  his  native 
German  territory  again.  In  regard  to  the  United  States  of 
America,  which  we  hoped  would  be  our  new,  permanent  home- 
land, he  reserved  judgment. 

Each  race  (I  use  this  expression  euphemistically,  for 
we  don't  have  any  pure  races  left  on  this  earth)  as  well 
as  each  nation  has  its  own  characteristics.  None  can  be 
all  good  or  all  bad  as  no  single  human  being  is  all  devil 
or  all  saint  (with  the  exception  perhaps  -  and  to  pick  a 
few  only  -  of  Jesus  Christ,  Albert  Einstein  or  Mahatma 
Ghandi  who  were  all  saint;  or  Hitler,  Mussolini  and  Nasser 

who  were  all  devil) .  We  may  dream  of  Utopia,  but  we  will 

it/ 
not  find/anywhere  on  this  planet. 

It  is  an  undeniable  and  certainly  sad  fact  that  during 
our  sixteen  months  stay  in  the  Philippine  Islands  we  did 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  477  - 


not  feel  welcome  at  any  time  or  truly  happy  for  one  moment. 
We  were  unable  to  take  to  the  steaming  hot  and  in  many  parts 
underprivileged  country.  Yet,  we  cannot  but  admit  that  the 
people  in  general  like  anywhere  were  friendly,  but  we  never 
managed  to  get  really  close  to  any  of  them.  Psychologically, 
we  had  no  sense  of  belonging  or  being  wanted.  I  think,  it 
was  Ovid  who  said,  "Exilium  mors  est".  Exile  is  death.  Never 
before  and  n^er  again  did  we  feel  the  truth  of  this  state- 
ment so  much  as  in  the  Philippine  Islands.  Of  course,  we 
made  many  acquaintances  among  the  Filipinos  as  for  instance 
the  beauty  queen  of  that  year,  Miss  Adela  del  Puerto.  Her 
portrait  appeared  on  the  front  page  of  the  magazine  "Bisaya" 
and  she  autographed  it  for  me  with  the  words:  "With  Love, 
Adela".  I  still  have  this  title  page  and  cherish  it  very 
much.  However,  we  didn't  find  any  good  friends  with  per=* 
haps  the  single  exception  of  the  erudite,  lyrical  poet 
Concepcione  and  his  kindly,  gentle  wife. 

I  think,  we  could  have  happily  stayed  in  Shanghai  for 
a  long  time  ,  but  not  in  Manila.  We  surely  were  strangers 
in  both  places,  but  the  difference  lay  in  the  way  of  liv=» 
ing,  I  guess.  Shanghai  gave  a  man  a  chance  to  rise  above 
himself,  Manila  held  one  down,  or  at  least  that  was^the 
way  we  experienced  it.  Shanghai  had  different  climates, 
a  very  tropical  summer  and  a  more  sub-tropical  winter  as 
for  instance  in  Southern  California.  Manila  and,  of  course, 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  478  - 


the  Philippine  Islands  were  tropical  all  year  round. 


We 


never  could  help  feeling  that  most  of  the  poor  natives 
suffered  as  much  from  it,  if  not  even  more,  as  we  foreign- 
ers. Shanghai  was  life.  It  had  an  international  esprit  and 
always  was  exhilarating.  Manila  was  kind  of  dull  and  in- 
festive. She  didn't  seem  to  offer  any  impetus  to  remain 
there  for  any  length  of  time  unless  one  had  to.  All  this 
may  have  changed  (with  the  exception  of  the  climate,  of 
course)  since  the  Philippine  Islands  became  an  independent 
nation  although  we  have  a  strange  feeling  that  life  there 


is  worse  than  it  had  been  under  the  benevolent  Amer 


Lean 


governorship.  If  we  are  wrong,  we  beg  for  forgiveness, 
for  we  only  judge  from  news  reports  now.  Very  often  we 
yearn  for  the  Shanghai  as  she  was  when  we  were  there, 
but  never  for  Manila  and  the  Philippines  which  to  us 
are  stepchildren  of  nature.  (I  almost  was  tempted  to 
write  "fucking  stepchildren",  but  I  don't  hold  with 
writers  like  Philip  RCth  for  instance  who  must  believr* 
that  all  people  in  all  strata  of  society  use  this  and 
other  unsavory  adjectives  in  their  daily  language.  I've 
never  used  any  of  them  and  must  have  the  wrong  friends 
and  acquaintances.  I've  never  heard  them  using  them  either 
at  any  time.  They  aren't  dc^Jcriptive,  but  only  dirty  and 


very  much  repulsive.) 


what/ 


Regretfully,  Communist  Shanghai,  from/we  have  read, 
has  become  even  less  than  a  mere  stepchild.  She  seems  to 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  479  - 


have  been  modeled  into  a  macabre  monstrosity  as  a  habitat 
for  human  beings.  The  change  from  the  most  interesting  to 
the  most  world-weary,  apathetic  and  colorless  city  in 
the  world  is  so  freakish  that  we  cannot  even  imagine  it. 

And  so  the  farewell  from  Manila  was  an  easy  one.  The 
moment  the  SS  Gneisenau  steamed  away  from  Manila's  Pier 
Five  was  the  best  one  we  haCU^  had  there.  Yet,  deep  d 


own 


in  our  hearts  we  felt  that  another  part  of  our  life  had 
come  to  an  end.  The  atmosphere  of  anti-Semitism  hung  about 
on  this  German  ship  like  the  smell  from  a  heap  of  dung  in 
a  farm  yard.  During  all  the  weeks  we  were  traveling  on  the 
Gneisenau  and  on  the  Europa  we  could  not  forget  for  a  single 
moment  what  was  happening  to  the  Jews  in  Germany  and  Austria 

In  the  diningroom^we  were  subtly  separated  from  the 
German  passengers  as  if  my  Jewishness  was  contagious.  And 
maybe  it  was,  for  I  wouldn't  have  kept  still  if  I  had  heard 
a  single  anti-  Semitic  innuendo.  But  all  through  the  journey 
o:lt  both  ships  the  decorum,  that  Annie  and  I  were  untouch=« 
ables,  was  kept.  We  were  seated  at  the  farthest  corner  with 
three  non-German  travelers.  From  Manila  to  Singapore  we 
had  only  one  table  companion,  a  tall,  blond  Swedish  gentle- 
man,  a  representative  of  a  Swedish  armament  corporation. 
Sometimes  I  referred  to  him  as  "the  bloody  Swede"  which 
was  unfair  and  he  rightly  resented  it.  At  our  first  stop 
in  Singapore  two  Englishmen  were  assigned  to  our  table. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  480  - 


• 


They  were  an  odd  pair  as  in  a  way  the  Swede  was  an  odd 
individual.  We  all  became  good  friends  and  one  of  the 
Englishmen,  a  sea  captain,  later  even  visited  us  in  New 
York.  We'll  have  to  say  more  about  them  because  one  sel- 
dom meets  lovable  characters  of  their  kind. 

While  we  were  on  the  Gneisenau  and  the  Europa  we 
never  spoke  a  word  of  German.  Our  far  from  perfect  English 
(one  never  loses  one's  accent)  didn't  fool  any  English  or 
American  passengers,  of  whom  there  were  few,  but  somehow 
the  Germans  aboard  generally  assumed  we  were  Americans 
and  left  us  in  peace.  On  the  printed  passenger  list  our 
final  destination  was  manifested  as  New  York  which  of 
course  helped.  No  one  ever  insulted  us  or  discussed  in 
our  presence  the  anti-Semitic  policy  of  Hitler  and  his 


gang 


We  had  a  group  of  Hitler  youth  on  board  who  paraded 


their  martial  training.  They  had  been  on  an  official  visit 
to  Japan  and  now  returned  to  the  fatherland  as  future  canon 
fudder  for  Hitler's  militaristic  ambitions.  They  didn't 
bother  us.  With  obvious  disdain  they  ignored  us  as  if  they 
had  been  ordered  to  do  so.  That  was  all  right  with  us  al- 
though their  Nazi  uniforms  with  the  Swastika  armbands  were 
not  beautiful  sights  to  behold.  As  there  is  a  Communist 
Commissar  wherever  and  whenever  Russians  travel  abroad, 
so  was  a  Gestapo  agent  on  any  German  ship.  We  didn't  know 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of   Itl 


-  481  - 


his  identity,  but  he  was  our  real  enemy  since  he  wasn't 
obliged  to  take  orders  from  the  ship's  captain.  He  was  a 
power  to  himself  and  no  one  would  have  dared  to  interfere 
with  any  of  his  actions.  I  told  Timothy  so,  but  he  couldn't 
ferret  him  out  until  shortly  before  we  arrived  in  Southamp* 
ton  and  then  it  was  almost  too  late. 

As  1  said  before  ■■■■■■  we  were  treated  all  right 
Nonetheless,  we  could  feel  -  and  perhaps  we  were  over-sensi= 
tive  -  that  we  were  some  kind  of  pariahs  on  board.  Even 


now  there  is  with  the  exception  of  Israel,  of  course, 


no 


country  free  of  anti-Semitism,  but  only  in  Nazi-Germany  - 

as  presently  in  Russia,  Poland  and  the  Arab  countries  - 

We/ 
it  became  the  official  legal  attitude.  MMT^  ^^W  Mi 

know  deep  down  in  our  hearts  that  even  a  so-called  philo- 

Semite  has  somewhere  in  the  sub-conscious  recesses  of  his 

mind  some  anti-Semitic  streak  and  given  the  opportunity  it 


will  break  through.  We  experience  it  again  with  so 


many 


black  militant  groups,  as  with  the  "Black  Panthers"  in 
particular,  as  well  as  with  the  Student  non-violent  co- 
ordinating committee  which  should  drop  the  "non"  because 
they're  absurdly  violent.  In  1967  Harry  Golden,  so  well 
known  for  his  support  of  the  civil  rights  cause  of  the 
Negroes,  wrote  to  the  director  of  this  committee  a  protest 
letter,  objecting  to  a  newsletter,  distributed  by  this  group, 
which  "follows  the  pro-Arab,  pro-Soviet  and  racist  lines  with 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  482  - 


heavy  overtones  of  anti-Semitism."  These  black  militant 
groups  have  adopted  anti-Semitism  as  part  of  their  creed 
to  their  own  detriment  and  shame.  There  is  nothing  more 
diabolical  than  racism  in  any  form,  and  it  is  more  so 
when  it  is  being  employed  by  those  who  have  been  or  are 
persecuted  themselves.  I  detest  it  when  a  Jew  speaks  of 
a  gentile  detrimentally  as  a  "goy"  as  I  would  not  call 
a  black  man  a  nigger  or  an  Italian  a  dago,  or  as  1  dis- 
like as  a  Jew  being  called  a  "kike". 

The  Supreme  Court  Justice  Frank  Murphy  once  said: 
"It  is  impossible  to  understand  how  a  man  can  hate  or 
persecute  the  Jews  and  at  the  same  time  pretend  to  keep 
allegiance  with  the  principles  of  Christianity." 

But  even  if  we  forget  about  Christianity,  the  so- 
called  god- less  Communist  Soviet  Union  and  Poland  are 
the  most  race-prejudicedM^ the  most  anti-Semitic,  anti- 
Zionist  and  anti-Negro  nations  in  the  world  nowadays. 
The  black  people  anywhere  in  the  world  should  know  by 
now  how  their  people  are  being  treated  when  they  go  as 
students  to  Soviet-Russia  or  when  they  flee  to  Communist 
Cuba  -  as  Eldridge  Cleaver  found  out  for  himself.  The 
Russian  and  Polish  Jews  are  being  treated  as  second-class 
citizens,  if  even  as  that.  No  Russian  official  would  today 
acknowledge  Tolstoy's  statement:  "The  Jew  is  the  pioneer 
of  civilization".  If  ever  our  country,  these  United  States 


Please,  don't  worry  J  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  483  - 


of  America,  allows  Russia  and  their  Arab  satellites  to 
dest/i^y  the  nation  of  Israel,  the  world  will  have  lost 
something  unretrievable:  True  democracy.  Why  is  it  that 
the  Jews  produced  thirty-four  Nobel  price  winners  in 
half  a  century?  I  ask  you  -  why?  A  tiny  minority  of  the 
world  population  and  yet  they've  succeeded  in  creating 
green  pastures  in  the  arid  desert  which  had  been  in  Arab 
hands  for  so  long?  Why  is  it  that  in  so  short  a  time  little 
Israel  can  give  so  much  to  the  world,  while  the  Arabs  have 
nothing  to  offer  but  a  Jihad,  a  so-called  "holy  war"?  Why? 
Only  the  Soviet  Union  could  stop  the  Mid-East  conflict. 
Why  doesn't  she?  Like  vultures  feed  on  carrion  and  offal 
the  Soviet  Union  and  Red  China  exist  by  creating  hate,  un- 
rest and  dispute  between  other  nations.  They  kindle  the 
fires  of  wars  and  militancy  outside  their  territories  in 
order  to  reach  their  ultimate  goal  of  conquering  the  world 
without  spilling  the  blood  of  their  own  people.  In  the  end, 
though,  they  will  defeat  themselves. 

At  the  time  we  were  traveling  on  the  Gneisenau  from 
Manila  to  Southampton  the  nation  of  Israel  did  not  yet 
exist.  However,  we  would  have  liked  very  much  to  pay  a 
visit  to  Palestine,  but  lack  of  money  and  time  prohibited 
such  a  side-trip  from  Port  Said.  It  was  an  opportunity  we 
never  will  have  again  because  our  traveling  time  has  defi- 
nitely come  to  an  end. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  484  - 


visit/ 
To/flM  Israel  will  remain  for  us  an  unfulfilled 

dream.  Jewtshness  is  not  Just  a  religion  -  it  certainly 
has  never  been  with  me  -  but  a  philosophy  and  a  heritage 
and  as  James  Michener  wrote  in  his  grandiose  book  "The 
Source":  "No  Jew  can  ever  cease  to  be  a  Jew".  That  is  why 
the  Jews  have  suxrvived  thousands  of  years  of  persecution. 
That  is  why  not  even  a  mass-murdered  like  Adolf  Hitler 
could  destroy  the  Jewish  people.  He,  too,  has  learned 
the  truth  which  Chaira  Kaplan  so  well  expressed  in  his 
Warsaw  Diary  ("Scroll  of  Agony"):  "In  all  the  countries 
where  they  want  to  bury  us  alive,  we  pull  the  gravediggers 
in  with  us."  It  happened  to  Adolf  Hitler  and  all  other 
anti-Semites  in  all  history  from  biblical  times  on.  With 
Abdal  Gamal  Nasser  having  gone  to  hell,  the  other  Arab 
anti-Israel  leaders  better  beware  before  they  truly 
attempt  to  run  the  Jews  of  Israel  into  the  sea.  They 
will  drown  with  them  .  That  is  not  a  threat,  but  a  holy 
promise. 


The  voyage  from  Manila  to  Singapore  was  a 
choppy  one.  Most  of  the  time  the  ship  was  rolling  heavily. 
We  didn't  get  seasick,  but  sometimes  very  much  sick  of  the 


sea. 


We  hadn't  left  Manila  for  more  than  an  hour  and  were 
passing  the  island  of  Corregidor  when  Timothy  requested  a 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  485  - 


private  talk  with  me.  Alone,  if  you  please.  That  Is  some- 
where on  the  ship  where  nobody  could  observe  me  talking  to 
him  who  was  and  is  invisible  to  anyone  but  mc .  He  was  con- 
siderate enough  to  prevent  me  from  getting  the  reputation 
that  I  was  what  the  Jews  call  "meshuggah,  or  the  German<5* 
"verrueckt",  and  the  American  "nutty".  Annie  and  I  had 
been  lying  side  by  side  on  deck  chairs  and  I  told  her  to 
stay  put.  The  truth  was  that  I  never  liked  to  leave  her 
out  of  my  sight.  During  the  previous  trip  on  the  Gneisenau 
and  the  more  than  five  weeks'  trip  to  New  York  not  a  day 


passed  without 


having  her  paged  at  least  once  because 


I  didn't  know  where  she  was.  Her  ability  to  disappear  was 
absolute  unique.  One  second  she  was  at  my  side,  the  next 
she  was  gone.  She  liked  to  explore,  but  how  much  could 
one  explore  on  a  19,000  ton  ship  like  the  Gneisenau? 

"Timoty  wants  to  talk  to  me,"  I  said  while  I  heaved 

myself  up. 

"You  and  your  Timothy,"  she  responded  disgustedly. 

"I'll  take  a  walk." 

"No,  you  won't,"  I  said  sternly,  "I'll  be  back  in  a 

few  minutes. 

Timothy  pulled  at  my  coat  sleeve  to  come  with  him  al' 
ready.  He  directed  me  toward  a  spot  at  the  keel  of  the 
ship  where  we  were  alone. 

"All  right,  Timothy,  what  is  it?"  I  asked  him. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  486  - 


"It  will  get  a  little  rough/between  here  and  Singa- 
pore," he  started  in  on  me,  "but  don't  let  that  bother 
you.  There  won't  be  a  storm." 

"You  won't  get  seasick  again,  would  you?" 

"No,  not  this  time,"  he  came  to  the  point  now.  "You 
see,  I  won't  be  here  until  the  Gneisenau  docks  in  Singa=* 
pore  Tuesday  afternoon." 

It  was  Saturday  morning  and  I  didn't  cherish  the  idea 
of  being  without  Timothy  for  over  three  days. 

"Don't  worry,  man,  nothing  is  going  to  happen.  Only 
watch  your  steps,"  he  warned  me.  "I've  got  to  go  away." 


711 


"Why? 


"Because  I  was  granted  a  three  days  leave  of  absence 
and  I  deserve  it,  if  I  may  say  so  myself." 


"Where  are  you  going  in  case  I'll  need  you? 


711 


II 


You  won't  need  me  and  that  is  a  stupid  question," 


he  rebuked  me.  "Where  else  but  what  is  here  generally 


called  heaven? 


711 


"I  don't  like  it,"  I  told  him. 

"It  doesn't  matter.  I've  got  to  go.  We've  a  meeting 
to  form  a  Guardian-Angel-  Protective-League.  It's  high 


time,  too. 


It 


"A  union?"  I  stared  at  him  with  incredulity. 

"You  may  call  it  that  if  you  wish,"  Timothy  conceded. 

I  laughed.  "Why?  Do  you  intend  to  strike  for  higher  pay?" 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  •■♦ 


'•87  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  488  - 


"Don't  be  silly.  We  don't  get  any  pay,  but  we  want 
some  fringe  benefits." 

"As  for  instance?" 

"As  for  instance  -  that  isn't  your  business.  Something 
like  promotion  according  to  seniority  and  regular  vacations." 

"I  can  understand  that,"  1  agreed  and  then  asked  out 
of  pure  curiosity  with  no  intention  of  being  fallacious, 
•*Do  you  ever  get  to  meet  the  big  boss,  1  mean  God?" 

"No,  not  us.  We  guardian  angels  are  so  low  that  we 

never  see  Him." 

"I  sometimes  wonder,"  I  mused,"  how  God  actually  looks. 
Is  He  only  a  spirit,  which  I  think  He  is,  or  what  is  He? 
I  can  imagine  that  to  a  white  person  God  must  look  white, 
to  a  black  He  would  look  black,  to  an  Indian  He  would  look 
like  an  Indian  and  I  can  go  on  like  that.  We  believe  in 
God,  but  does  He  in  us?" 

Timothy  remained  silent  for  a  while,  then  he  said: 
"When  we  were  in  training,  our  superior  told  us  that  God 
is  whatever  you  imagine  He  is.  God  is  just  God.  All  we 
angels  are  equal  under  God  and  so  are  you  living  beings  if 
you  only  would  learn  to  acknowledge  it.  God  is  God." 

"The  Jews  for  instance  believe  that  they're  the  chosen 

people." 

"It  doesn't  matter  what  the  Jews  or  anybody  else  believe*," 

Timothy  said.  "God  is  God  for  everyone  and  everything." 


I  could  accept  that.  God  is  God.  We  are  so  foolish  to 
think  that  we're  different  from  one  another  on  account  of 
our  color,  our  creed,  our  man-made  religions.  As  God  is  God, 
so  we  humans  are  just  humans,  Jews  or  Christians,  Mohammedans 
or  Budd/^ists,  atheists  or  agnostics,  or  whatever  religious 
or  non-religious  belief  we  have.  God  is  God  and  to  Him  we 
are  all  alike.  Maybe  every  once  in  a  while  God  in  His  wisdom 
permits  Satan  to  send  his  emissaries  down  among  us,  men 
like  Hitler,  Stalin  or  Nasser,  so  that  we're  reminded  of 
the  choice  between  heaven  and  hell.  Maybe  we  need  these 
evil  creatures  to  «?adjust  our  fragile  human  views  into  the 
proper  perspective  and  re-appraise  the  omnipotent  goodness 
of  God.  Who  ever  can  tell?  All  we  can  offer  is  our  faith 
in  God.  Some  of  us  need  the  dogmas  and  rituals  of  organized 
religions  to  hold  on  to  our  faith.  Others  have  the  strength 
to  have  faith  without  being  shored  up  by  religious  hocus- 
pocus.  Even  those  who  call  themselves  agnostics  and  athe- 


ists cannot  escape  faith.  They  only 


kid  themselves 


Timothy  interrupted  me  in  my  thinking.  "Well,  man,"  he 
said,  "take  care  of  yourself  while  I'm  gpne.  I'll  be  seeing 
you  Tuesday  and  please  don't  gO  ashore  in  Singapore  before 
I've  reported  back  to  you." 

And  then  he  was  gone.  It  may^seem  strange,  but  I  felt 
uneasy  and  lonely..  For  the  first  time  I  began  to  wonder  if 
Timothy  actually  existed  or  if  he  was  a  fixation  of  my  creative 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  It  I 


-  489  - 


mind.  For  some  minutes  I  was  lost  In  my  thoughts.  If  Timothy 
didn't  exist,  nothing  existed.  He  always  had  been  with  me. 
How  often  had  he  saved  ray  life?  How  often  had  he  given  me 
solace  when  I  needed  it?  How  oft«n  had  he  warned  me  of 
danger?  How  often  had  we  talked  to  each  other  and  even 
kind  of  squabbled?  Timothy  was  part  of  me.  He  had  grown  on 


me 


although  he  wasn't  always  easy  to  take,  but  he  had  never 


shirked  his  duty.  He  had  grumbled  and  complained  about  his 

miserable  fate  that  I  had  to  be  the  one  whom  he  had  to  guard. 

No,  Timothy  existed  allv right.  Now  that  he  had  left  me  for 

a  few  days,  1  could  feel  it  more  than  ever.  He  had  and  still 

has  his  faults  and  foibles  and  at  times  he  had  disturbed  roe, 

but  it  felt  and  feels  always  good  to  have  him  around  for 

cone/ 
protection.  Now  withBi  hlm/I  was  almost  tempted  to  jj  seeK 

the  refuge  of/ 
/fBIBHi  our  cabin  and  stay  there  until  he  returned.  It 

had  never  occurred  to  me  that  I  could  feel  insecure  with- 

out  him,  but  for  these  first  few  minutes  I-'did. 

Waking  up  from  my  thinking  about  Timothy,  I  kind  of 

shook  myself.  1  decided  not  to  tell  Annie  about  Timothy's 

vacation.  I  returned  to  the  deck  chair  where  I  had  left 

her.  Of  course,  she  wasn't  there  anymore.  She  could  drive 

me  nuts  with  her  disappearance  acts.  Right  then  I  wasn't 

In  the  mood  for  it.  Nevertheless,  I  went  in  search  for  her. 

For  half  an  hour  I  walked  all  over  the  ship  and  that  meant 

quite  a  bit  of  walking.  She  wasn't  in  our  cabin  either. 


Please,  don't  worry'.  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


490  - 


Finally   1    returned    to  our  deck  chairs,    stretched   out 
and   although   I    could    really  worry  when   she   wasn't  with  me    I 
dozed    off.    Waking  up    ten    minutes    later,    she  was    lying  on 
her  chair  next    to  me.    She    smiled    at  me    and   had    the    nerve 
to   ask   me  with   all    the   innocence   of  a   perfect    angel,    "Where 
have   you  been?    I've    been    looking    for   you   everywhere."    -    If 
I   didn't   love  her  so   much,    I    could   have   strangled   her. 


• 


# 


I   assume,     it  happens    to   anyone    to  get    in- 
vited  by  a    relative,    friend   or  neighbor   to  come   over   for 
an   evening    to  watch  with    them   the   movie   pictures,    slides 
or   still  photos    they    took  on    their  vacation   at  Lake   Kani- 
bootchie   or  wherever    they   had   gone    for    their  vacation.    You 
dread    the    idea   of  having    to   look   afhundreds   of  mostly  poorly 
shot  pictures   of   people   you  don't   know   and   places   which 
bore   you  and   if    you're   smart    you    try    somehow   to  wiggle 
out  of    the    invitation  by    some    sort   of   excuse  which   doesn't 
sound   offensive.    1   know,    I   always    find   such  excuses    after 
having  been  caught    in   this   dilemna   several    times.    Please, 
friends   and    foes,    rest   assured   I'll   try   to  bore   you   as 
little    as    possible  with   picturizing  our   sightseeing   ashore 
during   our   journey    from   East    to  West. 

As   scheduled  we   arrived    in  Singapore    early  Tuesday 
afternoon   and  were    informed    to  be   back   aboard   the   ship 

:before   the  midnight    sailing.    This    time  Annie  was   ready 

and   roaring  to   go   the  very  moment   the   Gncisenau  had  docked. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


Generally  I  had  to  wait  for  her  impatt 


ently,^ 


-  491  - 

s  she  used/ 
the 


over-^abused  excuse  that  a  woman  needs  more  time  to  get 
dressed  and  make-up  than  a  man.  If  that  is  so,  why  the  heck 
don't  women  start  earlier  than  men?  Of  course,  females  being 
contrary  by  nature  and  character  Annie  had  started  earlier 
this  time  and  was  ready  when  for  once  I  didn't  want  her  to. 
I  dawdled  and  dawdled  -  a  good  lesson  for  her  anyway  - 
determined  to  heed  Timothy's  advice  not  to  move  until  he 
was  back.  When  ^^  Annie  grew  impatient,  which  generally 
was  my  prerogative,  I  invented  a  headache,  which  generally 
was  her  prerogative,  and  she  made  me  swallow  two  aspirins. 
I  stretched  out  on  the  bed  until  my  "headache"  was  gone ^ 
and  let  Annie  fret.  She  was  anxious  to  go  into  Singapore 
and  I  couldn't  blame  her.  I  was  anxious,  too,  but  not  with- 
out Timothy.  We  had  a  few  dollars  set  aside  for  sightseeing 
and  we  didn't  mind  to  spend  them  on  the  trip  since  a  job 
was  awaiting  me  in  New  York. 

"All  right,  let's  go,"  I  suddenly  heard  Timothy  tell 


me. 


For  a  moment  I  was  baffled,  but  then  I  got  up  and  told 

Annie  that  my  headache  was  as  good  as  gone. 

"Did  you  have  a  good  time?"  I  asked  Timothy, 
"Good  time?"  he  grunted.  "Don't  remind  me,  please. 

We  almost  were  thrown  out  of  heaven  when  we  assembled  for 

our  meeting.  I  guess,  unioiyior  protective  leagues  are  meant 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  492  - 


for  people  here  on  earth  only.  Heaven  doesn't  want  a  part 
of  it.  So  please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI" 

"Do  we  or  don't  we  go?"  Annie  asked. 

"We  go,"  I  told  her. 

"So  -  what's  holding  us  back?" 

"Nothing  anymore." 

Of  course,  a  few  hours  ashore  an>'where  doesn't  mean 
a  darned  thing.  Sightseeing  of  this  kind  leaves  small  im- 
pressions if  any.  Yet,  millions  of  dollars  are  wasted  each 
year  by  foolish  people,  taking  restricted,  guided  tours  and 
letting  themselves  being  rushed  from  country  to  country  and 
city  to  city.  Afterwards  they're  quite  often  so  confused 
that  they  can't  recall  where  was  what  and  what  was  where. 
The  only  thing  they  perhaps  remember  is  -  as  a  movie  title 
suggested  -  :  "When  it  was  Tuesday,  it  was  Belgium."  (Or 
was  it  Wednesday?) 

Yet  we  went  ashore  with  the  idea  that  this  was  probably 
our  only  chance  to  see  Singapore  -  although  one  could  live 
a  good  life  without  ever  having  been  there. 

I  took  my  old  five  dollar  Kodak  camera  along.  We  must 
have  taken  literally  thousands  of  pictures  with  it  everywhere 
with  the  exception  of  Russia  where  it  had  been  confiscated 
until  we  reached  the  other  border.  At  that  time  they  had 

very  good  reasons  not  to  let  foreigners  take  pictures.  Russia 

Stalin/ 
under  SBTBMBBl  had  not  much  to  brag  about. 

What  happened  to  all  the  pictures  we  took  as  well  as  the 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  493  - 


picture  postcards  we  bought?  Well  -  they're  all  buried  in  a 

big  cardboard  box.  We'll  leave  them  there  to  whoever  inherits 

our  otherwise  non-existent  estate. 

However,  of  all  the  pictures  Annie  or  I  took,  I'm 

proudest  of  one  single  shot  of  the  southern  tip  of  Kyushu, 

Japan,  from  a  distane^of  at  least  three^miles.  We  had  been 

sternly  warned  that  Japanese  military  observers  from  naval 

vessels  and  the  coast  were  scanning  each  passing  ship  with 

powerful  binoculars  to  make  sure  that  no  one  on  any  boat 

snapped  pictures  of  the  fortified  most  southern  tip  of 

Japan.  If  they  espied  anyone,  whom  they  suspected  of  hav=» 

ing  directed  a  camera  at  the  shore  line,  one  of  their  fast 

naval  vessels  was  supposed  to  race  toward  the  ship  and, 

coming  alongside,  stop  it.  Unless  the  culprit  did  vol=» 

untarily  surrender  the  roll  of  film,  a  search  party  would 

come  aboard  and  not  leave  until  the  "dangerous"  film  was 

found.  That's  what  we  were  told,  but  I  cannot  vouch  for 

the  truth  of  it.  Anyway,  after  consulting  with  Timothy,  I 

found  a  spot  on  the  Gneisenau  from  where  I  could  secretly 
shoot/ 
/a  picture  of  the  forbidden  coast  line.  Apparently  I  wasn't 

detected  if  there  were  any  military  observers  at  all.  No 
Japanese  naval  vessel  came  into  view.  My  cheap  camera  did 
a  beautiful  job  even  from  such  a  distance.  I  guess,  that 
photo  must  be  still  somewhere  in  that  above  mentioned  card- 
board box.  What  do  mementos  mean?  Why,  In  fact,  does  one 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  494  - 


• 


# 


# 


accumulate  them  when  one  never  looks  at  them  again  and 
can't  take  them  along  when  we  leave  this  planet  for  good?  ' 
It's  a  pertinent  question,  isn't  it?  I  don't  know  the 
answer  and  neither  do  you.  Chances  are  that  after  your 
final  departure  these  so-called  mementos  end  up  in  a 
trash  can. 

A  few  days  ago  we  were  involved  in  one  of  these  terri* 
fying  mountain  brush  fires,  and  we  like  all  residents  in 
our  area  had  to  evacuate  our  homes  within  minutes.  It 
was  an  infernal  experience  through  which  one  wouldn't 
like  to  go  through  a  second  time.  The  speed  with  which  an 
uncontrolled  fire  in  mountainous  brush  country  can  spread 
is  unbelievable  unless  one  is  there.  We  didn't  think  that 
we  would  see  our  home  and  those  of  our  neighbors  again.  The 
raging  fire,  creating  a  devastating  windstorm,  came  within 
inches  of  our  mobile  home  park.  We  had  no  more  than  two  or 
three  minutes  to  decide  what  to  take  along.  Annie  and  I 
took  some  important  documents,  this  unfinished  manuscript 
and  my  electric  typewriter,  and  then  we  drove  out  of  the 
park  away  from  the  fire  or  rather  through  it  on  both  sides 
of  the  two  lane  road.  The  smoke  cloud  over  the  mountains 
looked  as  if  an  atom  bomb  had  been  dropped.  Annie  was  clad 
in  a  house  robe  and  I  in  a  shirt  and  a  pair  of  slacks.  We 
saw  our  next  door  neighbor  throw  sofa  pillows  and  some  bed 
linen  into  their  two  cars.  Another  neighbor  across  from  us 


Please,  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    495    - 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came    of    It! 


-  496  - 


took  a  heavy  vase  and  a  framed  painting. Mementos?  We 

even  didn't  give  them  a  single  thought.  Our  cardboard  box 

with  family  pictures  and  snapshots  from  many  parts  of  the 

world  -  we  forgot  about  It.  I  even  didn't  think  of  a  col=» 

lection  of  letters  I  had  received  by  famous  people.  Me=» 

mentos?  What  good  are  they  and  any  other  material  things  if 

one's  life  is  at  stake  .^  Within  another  few  minutes  we  could 

have  been  totally  surrounded  by  fire-walls  without  a  chance 

of  getting  through.  Mementos?  Who  needs  them?  We  have  had 

too  many  experiences  of  the  kind. 

There  was  no  panic,  strangely  enough.  Like  ghost 

vehicles  car  after  car  slowly  drove  out  of  the  park  and 

another  park  higher  up  in  the  mountains.  No  anxious  shout= 

ing.  No  impatient  honking  of  horns.  Car  just  followed  car. 

was/   safely/ 
Each  of  several  hundred  cars/iSa /guided  out  of  the  endang* 


ered  area 


thanks  to  the  protective  efficiency  and 


calm  courtesy  of  many  police  of f icersn^f iremen,  sheriffs 

and  highway  patrol  men.  We  owe  these  men  as  well  as  ■ 

the  brave  pilots  of  helicopters  and  airplanesf^ who  flew 

into  the  shooting  flames  and  black,  hot  smoke  to  drop 

water  and  chemicals,  a  great  deal  of  gratitude  which  to 

but/ 
pay  is  Impossible  other/^MV  to  praise  them.  Those  vulgar 

young  people  who  dare  to  call  these  wonderful  men  "pigs" 

and  other  dirty  names  should  be  reminded  that  one  day  they, 

too,  might  have  need  of  their  help,  protection  and  kindness. 


In  case  you're  curious  or  interested,  please,  don't  worry! 

Nothing  came  of  it.  The  fire  was  stopped  at  the  edge  of  our 

none  of  our  mobile/ 
Park  and/ap  homes  were  burned  down. 


Whenever  we  went  ashore,  the  first  thing  I 
did  was  to  buy  a  local  newspaper,  sometimes  even  a  couple. 
To  me  they  represented  current  history,  and, if  one  kept 
them  (there  we  go  again  -  mementos!),  past  history.  Re- 
cently I  dug  out  from  another  cardboard  box  several  old 
newspapers,  among  them  two  from  Singapore,  "The  Morning 
Tribune"  and  "The  Singapore  Free  Press".   Some  of  the 
headlines  of  that  day  in  November  of  1938  read:  "PLIGHT 
OF  JEWS  BECOMES  WORSE"  and  "^-mAT  NAZIS  THINK  OF  JEW  PLAN". 
The  latter  referred  to  the  suggestion  of  the  childishly 
naive  British  Prime  Minister  Neville  Chamberlain  to  settle 
the  German  Jews  in  Tanganyika.  The  Nazis  didn't  like  the 
idea.  They  believed  their  lethal  brand  of  anti-Semitism 
was  politically  very  advantageous  to  them.  Dictators  need 
scapegoats.  Furthermore  there  is  a  paragraph  in  one  of  the 
two  papers  that  the  first  to  send  rubber  to  Europe  were 
Portuguese  missionaries,  a  fact  which  might  Interest  no 
one.  On  another  page  is  a  report  that  British  Catholics 

protested  against  the  Nazis.  Hitler  must  have  been  very 

Plus  XI.  (and  after  1939  / 
much  chagrined  about  that.  Their  Pope/Pius  XIlJ  did  not 

protest.  On  the  contrary,  he  concluded  a  concordate  with 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of    Itl 


-  '497  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  498  - 


the  Nazi  gangsters.  It  could  ajmost  be  compared  with  an 
American  President  signing  a  non-prosecution  agreement 
with  the  presiding  council  of  the  Crime  Syndicate. 

We  had  a  letter  of  introduction  from  an  acquaintance 
in  Manila  to   -  for  the  heck  of  me  I  can't  remember  his 
name,  so  let's  just  call  him  a  Mr.  James  in  Singapore.  He 
was  an  optometrist,  I  believe,  although  Annie  claims  he 
had  been  a  jeweler.  It  doesn't  matter,  I  guess.  James  was 
a  nice  man  and  quite  busy  when  we  budded  in  on  him.  He 
suggested  that  we  take  a  walk  in  a  nearby  park  and  then 

come  back  in  about  an  hour.  He  would  close  shop  at  that 

us/ 
time  and  would  take/Tor  a  long  ride  all  over  Singapore. 

In  the  meantime  he'd  call  his  wife  to  expect  two  guests 

for  dinner.  He  called  it  Singapore  hospitality. 

It  seemed  to  us  that  the  majority  of  Singapore's  then 

six  hundred  thousand  residents  were  Chinese.  It  wasn't  very 

exciting.  We  had  seen  too  many  Chinese  already.  They're  a 

nice  and  industrious  people  and  when  it  comod to  bargaining 

iliey're  as  smart  as  the  Lebanese,  Armenians  and  Jews  -  ex» 

cept  me.  I'm  a  natural-born  sucker  and  pay  any  price  withoit 

an  argument  if  I  have  the  money.  The  truth  is,  I've  been 

taken  in  many  times  and  still  haven't  learned  my  lesson. 

To  rac  anyone  is  honest  unless  proven  otherwise.  It  is  one 

r' 

of  the  manwdeficiencies  of  my  mental  make-up. 

Some  one  on  board  the  ship,  who  had  been  in  Singapore 


before,  had  told  us  that  on  some  boulevards  hordes  of 
monkeys  were  living  in  trees.  They  were  supposedly  quite 
tame  and  would  eat  peanuts  out  of  one's  hands,  but  if  one 
squeezed  their  tails  they  would  bite  viciously.  While 
walking  through  the  park  we  didn't  see  any  monkeys.  Even 
if  there  had  been,  we  had  no  peanuts  and  we  aren't  monkey 
tail  squeezers  like  allegedly  Italian  males  in  Rome  are 
addicted  to  pinching  female  butts. 

James  was  as  good  as  his  word.  When  we  returned  to 
him,  he  closed  shop  and  drove  us  around  on  a  sightseeing 
tour.  Singapore  was  supposed  to  have  an  all  year  round 
pleasant  temperature  of  about  eighty- five  degrees.  The 
day,  we  were  there,  it  must  have  been  over  a  hundred  and 
our  host  apologized  as  if  he  personally  were  responsible 
for  the  extra-ordinary  heat.  We  accepted  his  apologies. 
What  else  could  we  do?  In  the  course  of  the  evening  we 
found  out  that  he  was  one  of  the  professional  apologizers. 
He  even  ap^ogized  for  his  wife's  dinner  which  was  delicious. 

First  he  drove  us  to  Singapore's  famous  shopping 
center.  Raffles  Place  (named  after  Sir  Stamford  Raffles 
who  had  founded  Singapore  in  1819)  past  fashionable  stores 
and  Raffles  Hotel  of  world  renown. 

James  really  went  out  of  his  way  and  made  sure  that 
we  saw  the  three  most  fascinating  sights  of  the  island  - 
the  view  across  the  Strait  of  Jahore  at  the  Causeway,  the 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-   499   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of    It  I 


-  500  - 


Gap  on  the  Paslr  Penjang  Island  and  the  East  Coast  Road 
at  Bedok.  And  by  golly  there  were  lots  of  tree- jumping, 
chattering  monkeys  which  we  wisely  and  strictly  left 
alone  as  they  did  us. 

Before  going  home  for  dinner  James  drove  us  all  through 
theJTanglin  District,  allegedly  to  be  the  most  attractive 
residential  quarters  in  the  Far-East.  But  as  we  learned 
too  late  we  missed  the  most  beautiful  spot  of  Singapore, 
the  Botanical  Gardens.  Yet,  we're  still  grateful  to  this 
gracious  gentleman  that  he  went  to  so  much  trouble  for 
two  strangers.  There  are  kind  people  all  over  the  world, 
thank  God.  On  all  other  shore  leaves  we  were  on  our  own 
and  couldn't  afford  to  see  as  much  as  we  did  in  Singapore. 
And  that  is  as  far  as  we'll  go  in  regard  to  scenic  descrip- 
tions. As  a  writer  I've  got  little  talent  for  painting 
landscapes . 

James  explained  to  us  that  on  most  evenings  Singapore 
had  the  most  beautiful  sunsets  in  the  world.  This  wasn't  the 
evening, however.  The  sunset  was  nothing  to  brag  about.  Be- 
sides, no  sunset  anywhere  can  beat  the  one  in  Manila.  We 
were  told  the  same  about  the  sunsets  in  Penang,  Belawan 
and  Colombo.  None  could  even  come  close  to  the  unbelievable, 
extra-ordinary,  beautifully  <iolorful  sunset  the  sky  above 
Manila  displays,  unless  there  is  a  torrent  rain  storm  or 

a  raging  typhoon.  These  Manila  .typhoons  are  something  special, 
too,  althbu^h  not  veryrccommendable. 


We  haven't  got  the  slightest  memory  about  the  James' 
home,  how  he  or  she  loolced,  what  we  had  for  dinner.  I  al" 
most  feel  apologetic  about  it.  However,  after  dinner  a  friend 
of  theirs  dropped  in  and  lo  and  behold  he  turned  out  to  be 


a  long 


forgotten  schoolmate  of  mine.  Naturally, 


we  began  to  talk  about  the  past  good,  old  times  which,  of 
course,  is  utter  nonsense.  There  are  no  good,  old  times. 
Any  time  is  as  good  or  bad  as  we  ourselves  make  it.  As 
it  is  always  in  a  case  like  this  one,  we  couldn't  get  over 
the  fact  how  small  the  world  really  is.  I  guess,  in  a 
few  hundred  years  people  will  be  saying,  "Golly,  how  small 
this  universe  is".  It '/I  all  a  matter  of  how  distances  are 
diminished  by  faster  and  more  sophisticated  methods  of 
transportation.  I'm  not  so  sure,  though,  we've  improved 
our  modus  vivendi  by  super-sonic  jetliners  and  outer-space 
vehicles.  Soon  there  won't  be  any  passenger  liners  and 
trains  left.  That  will  be  as  sad  as  the  disappearance  of 
the  horse  and  buggy  days  and  sailing  ships.  We  again  will 
be  so  much  poorer  for  it.  More  and  more  we're  losing  our 
precious  joy  of  time,  replacing  it  by  ever  increasing 
speed.  Speed,  I  maintain,  is  no  substitute  for  time.  I 
still  rather  walk  than  run.  I  rather  keep  the  balance  of 
ecology  in  the  natural  order,  God  has  created  it,  than 
have  it  destroyed  by  so-called  progress  which  may  hurdle 


roan 


kind   into  oblivion   sooner  or   later.    I've   an   idea   that 


our   younger  generation  begins    to  realize   the  evil  of   it. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  501  - 


The  next  morning  at  breakfast  Captain  Tingey 
and  his  first  mate  joined  us  at  our  table.  The  two  English- 
men almost  looked  like  David  and  Goliath.  The  captain  was 
a  small,  thin,  wiry,  humorously  tall^tlve  man,  who  con- 
sidered anyone  unable  to  speak  or  understand  English  as 
being  uneducated.  His  first  mate  was  a  BBt  bulky,  broad- 
shouldered,  globular  giant  who  seldom  opened  his  mouth  un- 
less he  could  sM^fle  food  into  it.  They  both  disliked  the 
Nazis,  but  had  taken  passage  on  the  Gneisenau  because  the 
food  was  so  much  better  than  on  an  English  ship.  Besides, 
the  next  P  &  0  liner,  with  which  their  crew  would  be  going 
home,  was  due  in  England  about  a  week  later  than  the  Gnei- 


senau. 


Captain  Tingey' s  specialty  was  to  navigate  under  their 
own  steam  small  river  boats  across  any  ocean  to  any  British 
colony  where  a  river  boat  was  needed.  This  time  he  had  taken 
a  small  ferry  all  the  way  from  London  to  Singapore,  quite 

a  feast  of  seamanship. 

He  became  our  good  friend  who  took  us  under  his  pro=> 
tective  wings  when  he  learned  that  we  were  refugees  from 
Nazi-Germany.  From  Singapore  to  Southampton  the  good  captain 
and  his  mate  were  always  watching  over  us.  We  felt  sure  that 
the  mate  (six  feet  seven  and  close  to  three  hundred  pounds 
of  muscles  and  bones)  could  have  heaved  without  any  help 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  502  - 


the  entire  crew  of  the  Gneisenau  over  board  if  anyone  as 
much  as  touched  us. 

Our  friend  Tingey  was  definitely  an  eccentric,  the  kind 
only  good,  old  England  still  produces.  Daniel  Webster  defines 
an  eccentric  as  "anyone  or  anything  that  acts  or  operates  in 
an  abnormal  or  unusual  manner".  Captain  Tingey  certainly 
operated  so.  He  was  all  British  to  whom  anyone  non-British 
had  to  be  inferior.  He  still  belonged  to  the  class  of  Bri- 
tish marauders  like  Francis  Drake  and  naval  heroes  like 
Horatio  Nelson.  In  stature  not  much  above  five  feet  and 
weighing  no  more  than  one  hundred- thirty  pounds  he  exuded 
authority  from  the  top  o^  his  thinly  haired  head  to  the 
soles  of  his  feet. He  liked  to  eat  well,  but  unlike  his 
mate  not  in  great  quantities.  One  couldn't  classify  him 
as  a  gourmet.  He  didn't  care  for  fancy  delicacies  (as  I 
myself  don't)  and  believed  that  the  English  had  cornered 
the  culinary  market  (despite  his  dislike  for  the  not  well 
prepared  food  on  British  ships)  with  their  ghastly  roasts 
of  mutton  and  ghastlier  Yorkshire  puddings.  Strangely 
enough,  he  liked  German  cooking  from  Sauerbraten  to  Leber- 
knoedel.  Despite  his  dafty  obsession  in  regard  to  the  English 
language  as  being  the  only  one  a  person  need  to  learn  for 
the  sake  of  culture  in  general,  he  kindly  accepted  our  im" 
per/sct  version  as  better  than  no  English  at  all.  He  was, 
though,  very  much  concerned  how  our  English  would  develop 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    503  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  504  - 


once  we  were  exposed  to  the  American  way  of  pronouncing, 
which  he  thought  was  abominable.  In  his  opinion  Americans 
spoke  the  bloodiest  English  of  all  English  speaking  people. 

In  contrast  to  our  good  captain  his  first  mate  was 
the  most  gluttonous  gourmand  we  ever  did  meet.  He  was  a 
very  good-natured  fellow  -  or  at  least  he  seemed  to  be. 
The  fact  is  we  never  got  around  to  have  any  kind  of  conver- 
sation with  him.  He  was  what  the  Germans  call  a  "Vielfrass". 
He  could  eat  more  in  one  sitting  than  we  four.  Captain 
Tingey,  the  Swede,  Annie  and  I,  together.  Eating  was 
his  one  and  only  hobby,  and  he  enjoyed  it  to  the  fullest. 
To  give  you  an  idea,  this  is  one  example  of  a  single 
dinner  he  easily  could  and  did  consume:   Live  boiled  Lobster 
with  celery  and  olives;  Cream  soup  O'Connor  (Please,  don't 
ask  me  what  that  is.  We  both  forgot);  Glazed  Ham  in  Bur* 
gundy  with  green  peas  and  carrots  and  Dauphine  potatoes; 
Roast  Chicken;  Thuringian  sausages  with  creamed  horse 
radish.  Naturally,  he  also  had  the  salad  and  after  that  a 
good  tenderloin  steak  with  German- fried  potatoes.  Only 
seldom  did  he  miss  the  seafood  or  fish  like  a  fillet  of 
Salmon  Russian  style,  an  assortment  of  vegetables  and 
several  different  kinds  of  potatoes.  For  dessert  he  had 
mostly  a  double  portion  of  ice  cream  and  several  cups  of 
coffee.  He  ate  it  all  and  felt  fine.  His  breakfasts  and 
luncheons  were  almost  as  huge  as  his  dinners,  and  he  never 


missed  any  of  the  in-between  snacks.  The  North  German 

Lloyd  must  have  lost  money  on  him. 

Well,  as  I  said,  the  good  Captain  Tingey  and  we  hit 

it  from  the  start.  He  convinced  Annie  that  uii   hafltno  need 

to  be  afraid  $B   talk/  to  him  and  be  overheard  since  these 

It/ 
uneducated  Germans  didn't  understand  English  anyway, TSbBI^ 

was  one  of  his  iiaosuncrasies  that  only  the  British  were 
truly  familiar  with  the  English  language.  They  were  plenty 
of  Germans  including  all  ship  officers  aboard  who  spoke 
and  understood  at  least  as  much  English  as  Annie  and  I 
did.  However,  Annie,  persuaded  by  Captain  Tingey,  grew 
bold  and  talked  about  or  rather  against  the  Nazis,  for- 
getting she  was  on  Nazi-German  territory.  I  reminded  her 
what  had  once  happened  to  me  in  Shanghai  when  I  cursed 
a  Chinese  in  German,  idiotically  believing  that  no  Chinese 
would  ever  understand  it.'  But  there  are  no  secret  languages 
in  the  world. 

Annie  and  I  were  sitting  in  a  streetcar  in  Shanghai 
and  a  Chinese  gentleman  stepped  pretty  hard  on  my  toes 
as  he  walked  through  the  middle  aisle.  It  did  hurt  quite 
a  bit  and  that  son-of-a-bitch  didn't  even  as  much  as  apolog- 
ize. On  the   contrary  ho  threw  a  reproachful,  dirty  look 
at  me  if  it  w^tdall  my  fault  because  my  foot  had  been  in 
his  way.  That  was  too  much  for  me  and  I  told  him  in  good, 
old  German:  "Leek  mXch  im  ArschI"  It  means  in  English  (please^ 


Please,   don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of   it  I 


-  505  - 


forgive  me.  Regrettably,  1  am  not  a  Philip  Roth):  "Lick 
ray  behind!"  It's  some  expression  I  had  never  used  before 
and  I  can't  tell  why  I  did  then.  I  happen  to  be  a  civilized 
person.  The  Chinese,  very  neatly  dressed  in  a  Western  style 
suit,  turned  around  and  answered  me  in  perfect  German  and 
with  a  big  smile  on  his  face:  "Das  habe  ich  scon  einem 
andem  Schweinehund  versprochen. "  Translated:  "I  promised 


.'  ^  n 


that  already  to  another  son-of-a-pig. 

I  almost  fainted.  I  really  did,  while  Annie  giggled, 
although  she  had  been  very  sedately  brought  up  in  a  Catho^ 
lie  convent.  We  both  never  use  or  used  bad  language  although 
nowadays  it  is  considered  a  literary  achievement.  What 
could  I  do  but  apologize  to  the  Chinese  gentleman  who 
in  turn  apologized  to  me.  For  a  while  we  conversed.  It 
turned  out  that  for  ten  years  he  had  been  a  counselor  at 
the  Chinese  Embassy  in  Berlin  and,  of  course,  spoke  per- 
fect German.  Of  all  the  Chinese  in  Shanghai  I  had  to 
insult  this  one.  But  from  then  on  until  today  I  won't 
even  curse  in  Hottentot  if  I  don't  want  to  be  understood. 
Who  knows  I  might  curse  at  the  one  and  only  person  in 
America  who  happens  to  understand  the  Hottentot  language. 


Each  and  every  day  the  ship's  Captain  (Dcr 
Herr  Kapitain)  in  his  splendid,  gold-braided  uniform  and 
with  a  retinue  of  at  least  two  of  his  officers  made  the 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  506  - 


rounds  of  the  ship  between  breakfast  (Fruehstueck)  and 
dinner  (Hauptmahlzeit ,  which  according  to  German  custom 
was  served  at  midday).  Der  Hcrr  Kapitain  was  a  good-looking 
man,  the  blond,  "Nordic"  type  as  the  Nazis  would  have  de- 
fined  him.  He  walked  as  straight  as  a  Prussian  officer  and 
as  stiff  as  if  he  vo^§y   a  tight  girdle.  One  was  never  quite 
sure  if  he  was  a  robot  or  a  human  being.  Loftily,  he  always 
seemed  to  be  very  conscious  of  his  status  and  position  that 
he  and  he  alone  represented  the  authority  on  board.  Neither 
he  nor  one  of  his  officers  did  ever  wear  any  swastika  emblem 
and  one  wasn't  sure  if  he  was  a  Nazi  or  if  like  some  pro- 
fessional German  military  officers  he  disliked  the  whole 
dirty  business  of  what  was  happening  in  Germany.  Making 
his  rounds,  he  condescended  to  speak  a  few  words  with  one 
or  the  other  of  the  passengers,  or  smiled  at  most,  or  con- 
fined himself  to  a  perfunctory  "Guten  Morgen"  (Good  rooming) 
Whenever  he  approached  us,  that  is  Annie  and  me,  he  suddenly 
changed  his  d^JIpieanor .  He  couldn't  have  missed  seeing  us. 


yet^  he 


neither    smiled   at   us    nor  honored 


us  with  a   "Guten  Morgen".    We   just  weren't    there.    We   didn't 
exist.    He    passed   us  by   as    if  we  were    invisible.    I   don't 
know   how   personally  deliberate    his    attitude  was,    or   if  he 
didn't  want   to  give   the  Gestapo  agent   on  board   the    impression 
that    he  had   any  contact  with  a   Jewish   refugee. 

Ourl/'friend  Captain  Tingey   also  noticed   that   der  Herr 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   iti 


-  507  - 


« 
Kapltain  cut  us  cold  and  It  got  h^s  goat.  He  was  all  set 

to  give  the  Herr  Kapitatn  a  piece  of  his  mind  of  what  he 
thought  of  the  Herr  Kapltain' s  discourtesy  and  the  Nazis 
in  general.  1  had  a  heck  of  a  time  to  dissuade  him  from 
interfering  because  I  rather  had  him  ignore  us.  If  he 
got  upset  at  us  he  might  be  influenced  to  give  the  Gestapo 
agent  on  board  free  hand  to  kidnap  us  to  Germany.  The  less 
be  said,  the  better.  Besides,  so  1  explained  to  Tingey, 
our  future  might  turn  out  to  be  much  better  than  that  of 
the  Herr  Kapitain  and  his  crew.  We  would  be  living  in  a 
free  country  while  the  Herr  Kapitain  was  dependent  on  the 
good  will  of  a  single  Gestapo  agent.  I  wasn't  so  wrong. 
Der  Herr  Kapitain  didn't  survive  the  war.  The  Gneisenau, 
converted  into  a  naval  ship,  was  sunk.  Actually,  I  didn't 
have  then  and  haven't  now  a  grudge  against  this  man  who 
was  a  slave  without  perhaps  knowing  it.  Yet,  somehow 
each  time  the  Kapitain  cut  us  cold  1  felt  stung.  All  my 
life  I  hated  to  be  ignored. 


Despite  the  Herr  Kapitain  and  despite  the 
precarious  situation  of  being  on  a  Nazi  ship  we  enjoyed 
the  journey,  thanks  very  much  to  Captain  Tingey  who  always 
was  good  company.  As  poor  as  we  were,  we  yet  had  the  oppor- 
tunity to  see  the  world.  We  play-acted  to  be  normal  world 
j:ravelers  and  even  acquired  a  few  curios  along  the  way. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  508  - 


Wliat  did  it  matter  if  we  were  left  with  only  a  few  dollars 

7 
upon  our  arrival  in  New  York.'  I  had  a  job  waiting  for  me 

there,  a  job  which  I  could  well  handle.  Please,  don't  worry'. 

Nothing  came  of  itl 

A  few  days  before  our  departure  from  Manila  we  had 
bought  a  beautifully  hand-carved  camphor  chest  for  twenty 
Pesos  or  ten  American  dollars.  It  had  been  carefully  crated 
to  withstand  the  long  trip.  For  a  long  time  it  remained 
the  only  piece  of  furniture  we  possessed.  It  traveled 
with  us  deep  down  in  the  holds  of  the  Gneisenau  and  later 
the  Europa.  We  never  let  go  of  it,  even  when  we  were  in 
dire  need  of  money  during  our  first  two  years  in  the  States. 
We  could  have  sold  it  in  America  for  at  least  twice  the 
amount  we  had  paid  for  it  in  Manila  at  a  curio  shop  which 
for  no  obvious  reason  called  itself  "The  Tah  Mahal,  and 
that  was  as  close  as  we  got  to  that  world-famoud  edifice. 
The  real  Tah  Mahal  wasn*t  on  the  itinery  of  the  Gneisenau. 
The  chest  now  stands  in  our  livingroora  beneath  the  front 
window  of  our  mobile  home,  a  constant  reminder  (together 
with  some  other  smaller  mementos)  of  the  time  when  we  were 
involuntary  "world  travelers". 

After  leaving  Singapore  we  sailed  or  rather  steamed 
through/the  Malacca  Straits  between  the  Island  of  Sumatra 
and  the  Malay  Peninsula.  Twenty-four  hours  later  we  docked 
midstream  at  Penang  which  the  tourist  guide  described  as  a 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  509  - 


tropical  paradise.  As  far  as  we  were  concerned  there  were 

still/ 
no  tropical  paradises,  but  only  tropical  **hells".  I^have 

a  few  notes  I  jotted  down  in  Penang.  Aside  from  the  normal 
unbearable,  tropical,  humid  heat  there  and  probably  still 
are  giant  palm  trees  and  fern  plants.  There  was  a  Chinese 
Snake  Temple  of  some  fame  and  there  lived  people  of  various 
ethnic  origins  as  Javanese,  Malayans,  Tonkincse,  Chinese 
(always  Chinese  everywhere),  Indians,  Pakistanis  and  non- 
Orientals  like  Americans  and  Persians.  For  a  long  time 
Penang  had  been  an  important  trade  center  and  merchants 
from  many  parts  of  the  world  had  been  attracted  to  it.  For 
a  change  it  had  clean  and  relatively  noiseless  streets 
in  contrast  to  most  Oriental  cities.  We  didn't  see  any 
monkeys  in  Penang  and  neither  did  we  encounter  any  go= 
rillas  in  Sumatra  the  next  day,  although  the  islands  of 
Sumatra  and  Borneo  are  the  natural  habitats  of  these  apes. 

Of  course,  I  bought  two  newspapers  in  Penang  and  still 
found  one  of  them,  "The  Strait  Echo".  Like  the  London  Times 
of  that  day  it  had  and  might  still  have,  if  it  has  survived 
the  second  world  war,  the  infuriating  practice  of  placing 
advertisements,  shipping  and  commercial  news  on  its  front 
page.  The  Strait  Echo  of  that  particular  day  reported  that 
the  SS  Gneisenau  and  five  others  ships  had  arrived.  At  the 
airport  the  East-bound  Empire  Flying  Boat  was  expected  as 
well  as  the  K.L.M.  plane  from  Bangkok.  In  the  movie  theatres 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-  510  - 


they  showed  "Tropical  Holiday"  (which  probably  would  have 
been  more  appreciated  in  Alaska)  with  Bob  Bums  and  Martha 
Raye  as  well  as  "Romance  and  Rythm"  with  Dick  Powell  and 
Priscilla  Lane. 

There  was  an  article  "Soviet  Attack  on  Munich"  on 
page  six.  It  stated  that  Prime  Minister  N.  Molotov  of  the 
Soviet  Union  had  declared  in  the  presence  of  Stalin  that 
"the  British  and  French  leaders  boast  of  the  'Munich  Agree- 
ment' as  a  great  success  and  of  themselves  as  great  peace- 


ma 


kers.  France  and  Britain  have  lost  prestige."  Then  Molotov 


ended  his  speech,  which  he  had  begun  by  stating  that  the 
second  imperialistic  world  war  had  already  begun,  with 
these  words:  "We  must  lead  the  proletariat  to  victory  - 
that  is  the  chief  aim  of  our  October  Revolution."  -  It 


still  is. 

He  was  right  thanks  to  naive  and  in  ray  opinion  nefa- 
riously incompetent,  so-called  statesmen  like  Daladier  and 
Chamberlain  as  well  as  to  the  complacency  of  the  American 
people  and  government.  Communism  has  advanced  in  its  destruct' 
ive  way  all  over  the  world  and  is  still  advancing. 

Sorrowfully  we  must  admit  that  once  more  we  have  men 
like  Daladier  and  Chamberlain  in  our  midst  who  have  not  yet 
learned  that  appeasement  is  not  peace,  but  leads  to  more 
and  more  wars.  God  help  the  world  if  these  men  or  others 


Please,    don't   worryl    Nothing  came   of    Itl 


-  511  - 


like  them  ever  again  are  being  given  the  chance  to  direct 
our  foreign  policy  and  sign  international  agreements  with 
gangsters.  The  world  cannot  survive  another  "Munich". 


As  I  am  writing  our  memoirs  of  the  years, 
when  we  were  people  without  a  country,  traveling  by  jet 
and  super-sonic  air  planes  is  replacing  the  more  luxurious 
and  leisurely  voyages  on  ocean  liners  and  passenger  trains 
and  of  this  tragedy  I  cannot  write  often  enough,  even  if 
I  repeat  myself.  Nowadays  we  let  ourselves  be  hurdled,  con* 
fined  in  a  locked  contraption,  through  time  changes  which 
must  and  often  does  leave  us  dizzy.  We  don't  yet  exactly 
know  what  a  nine  hour  difference  in  time  within/a  single 
day  will  do  to  our  mental  and  physical  equilibrium.  It 
is  called  progress,  and  we  believe  that  progress  is  a 
matter  of  necessity  (which  it  well  may  be),  but  it  seems 
technological  progress  grows  so  fast,  so  bewilderingly 
fast  that  our  human  behaviourism  and  the  natural  ecology 
lag  behind  and  thus  the  health  of  all  life^on  earth  is 
endangered.  We  have  become  progressive  destroyers,  and 
if  we  do  not  learn  how  to  harness  our  technical  progress 
we  will  pollute  nature's  environment  and  ourselves  to 
oblivion. 

Annie  and  I  find  flying  a  bore  and  much  too  confining 

We  don't  cater  to  the  idea  that  it  contributes  enjoyment 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  512  - 


to  be  flown  from  one  culture  and  civilization  to  another, 
from  one  continent  to  another,  within  a  few  hours.  We 
suffer  from  claustrophobia  in  these  big  air  ships.  What 
happen  to  nature  when  one  is  looking  out  of  the  windows 
of  one  of  these  super-sonic  air  liners?  Nothing.  Before 
we  think  we've  seen  a  mountain  range,  a  lake,  a  city  or 
whatever  it's  gone  already.  Mostly  one  looks  down  on 
cloud  formations.  It  might  be  a  great  achievement  to  set 
foot  on  the  moon  and  we  rightly  admire  the  heroic  bravery 
of  our  astronauts,  but  we  still  feel  like  crying  that  at 
the  same  time  we  seem  to  be  unable  to  conquer  hunger  and 
want  on  our  own  planet.  We  are  constantly  reminded  that 
we  won't  have  a  chance  of  survival  if  something  goes  badly 
wrong  within  these  flying  machines.  We  survived  one  of  the 


mo 


st  destructive  typhoon^ in  the  history  of  the  Far  East, 


but  would  we  have  had  the  same  chance  if  we  had  been  travel 


ing  in  an  airplane?  I  cannot  help  but  doubt  it. 


how/ 


The  trouble  now  is  that  we  have  forgotten/to  relax 
and  enjoy  doing  nothing  once  in  a  while.  We're  driven, 
constantly  driven  to  newer  horizons,  to  other  places  and 
when  finally  nature  rebels,  when  our  physical  constitution 
demands  of  us  to  take  it  easier,  then  we  fail  because  we 
have  not  been  taught  how  to  cope  with  leisure.  We  are  los- 
ing and  perhaps  already  have  lost  our  love  affair  with  life 


a 


nd  that  is  one  subject  about  which  I  hope  to  write  more 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


before  I  am  through  with  this  book. 


-  513  - 


After  leaving  Penang  we  crossed  the  Malacca 
/traits  and  docked  at  Belawan  on  the  island  of  Sumatra,  the 
fifth  largest  island  in  the  world.  Of  course,  during  the 
five  or  six  hours  >^tay  of  the  Gneisenau  we  had  little  oppor* 
tunity  to  explore  the  volcanic  jungle  of  Sumatra  or  hunt 
with  our  little  camera  for  a  life  tiger,  gorilla  or  at 
least  a  crocodile.  We  could  have  bought  a  wretched  tiger* 
skin  for  twenty- four  Dutch  guilders  from  one  of  the  many 
street  peddlers  if  we  wanted  to  waste  our  money  on  some- 
thing we  had  no  use  for  or  take  it  with  us  to  brag  about 
having  shot  that  poor  tiger  ourselves.  Belawan' s  waterfront 
showed  nothing  but  u^ttractive  warehouses,  supposedly  flf 
stored  with  the  products  of  Sumatra,  Java  or  Borneo  like 
tea,  coffee  or  rubber.  We  took  for  a  guilder  each  an  hour's 
train  ride  to  Medan.  The  cars  were  open,  similar  to  electric 
trains  in  American  zoos  or  amusement  parks  or  we  would  have 

suffocated  in  the  heat.  Along  the  tracks  were  forests  of  high 

as  well  as/ 
palm- dBB|/banana  trees  and  hemp-like  plants.  We  crossed 

several  rivers,  none  of  which  seemed  to  be  inhabitated  by 

crocodiles.  Neither  did  we  get  a  glance  at  any  other  wild 

was/       very/ 
animals  which  Wm fWKKtKH  Wam^fmmtk   disappointing.  We  had 

looked  forward  to  it,  but  as  usual  you  know  -  please,  don't 
worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I  We  passed  through  small  villages 


Please,  don*t  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  514  . 


where  the  natives  stared  at  us  as  if  wc  were  the  big  apes 
we  had  hoped  to  see.  All  in  all  the  trip  did  not  offer  much 
more  than  steaming  h6at  and  we  could  have  done  without  it. 

Medan  was  so  typical  Dutch  (if  it  weren't  for  the 
natives  and  the  heat)  that  we  felt  ourselves  set  back 
to  Europe.  Like  in  Holland  the  people,  nativciand  non- 
natives,  were  bycicling  everywhere  like  the  Dutch  still 
do  in  their  home  land.  Medan  was  as  neat  and  clean  as  any 
Dutch  city  and  only  the  residential  homes,  wide  open  from 
front  to  rear  in  order  to  let  air  flow  through^were  built 
in  the  typical  Indonesian  architectual  style,  featuring 
elaborate  wood  carvings  and  thatched  roofs  with  upswept 
gables.  In  the  center  of  town,  the  business  district,  we 
were  attracted  by  the  European  style  stores  and  most  of 
all  by  the  coffee  houses  and  pastry  shops.  We  hadn't  seen 
any  since  we  had  left  Europe.  Nowhere  in  all  of  East  Asia 
could  one  get  fresh  milk  or  dairy  products.  I  used  to  be 
a  whipped  cream  addict  and  after  we  entered  one  of  these 
cafes  the  first  thing  I  asked  was  if  they  had  whipped 
cream.  Indeed,  they  had.  It  was  a  dream.  I  ate  so  much** 
of  it  that  I  got  sick  afterwards.  Yet,  it  was  worth  it. 
Definitely.'  Timothy  was  disgusted  with  me,  but  what  did 
I  care?  It  so  happens  that  I  still  like  to  think  of  this 
feast,  because  now  I'm  not  anymore  allowed  to  eat  any  dairy 
products  because  I've  become  a  natural  manufacturer  of 
kidney  stones,  the  variety  consisting  o^  calcium  which 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  515  - 


Is  a  part  of  dairy  products.  Well,  despite  my  stomach  re- 
volt from  too  much  whipped  cream  we  made  it  back  to  the 
Gneiscnau  in  time.  I  went  to  bed  without  any  dinner.  I'm 
sorry,  folks,  but  contrary  to  all  the  romantic  aspects 
we  generally  attach  to  the  Indonesian  islands  my  most 
memorable  recollection  is  -  whipped  cream. 

Of  the  many  adventures  we  had^Annic  by  herself  would 
have  sufficed.  Although  somewhat  tamed  by  now,  she  still 
is  and  always  has  been  an  unpredictable  creatures.  Regrett" 
ably,  arthritis  has  very  much  slowed  her  down,  but  in  her 
younger  years  and  all  the  while  we  were  exiles  she  never 
ceased  to  be  as  vivacious  as  Rhinish  girls  are  supposed 
to  be.  The  songs  and  poems,  which  have  been  written  in 
admiration  of  the  pretty  girls  from  the  Rhineland,  are 
numerous  and  Annie  fitted  any  of  them. 

During  the  three  days  it  took  the  Gneiscnau  to  steam 
from  Sumatra  to  Colombo  on  the  island  of  Ceylon  dear,  little 
orphan  Annie  disappeared  at  least  half  a  dozen  times  each 
single  day.  I  had  to  go  in  search  of  her  or  had  to  have 
her  paged  because  she  had  a  way  of  getting  into  mischief 
which  was  absolutely  uncanny  and  in  our  situation  danger^ 
ous .  She  never  learned  to  keep  her  mouth  shut  in  regard 
to  her  disgust  of  the  Nazis.  Besides,  she  could  get  her- 
self into  the  most  impossible  situations  and  then  after  I 

had  rescued  her  laugh  about  them. 


Please,  don*t  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  516  - 


t 


« 


Annie  always  was  and  still  is  thank  God  the  most  lov- 
able, the  most  devoted,  the  most  faithful  and  brave  wife 
a  man  could  ever  desire  to  have.  There  had  been  no  need 
for  her  to  share  with  me  the  travels  and  travails  of  home- 
less refugees.  After  all,  she  was  by  birth  a  gentile  with 
no  Jewish  infested  ancestry.  Like  some  other  gentile  spouses 
she  could  have  divorced  me  and  stayed  in  Germani^which  accord= 
ing  to  Hitler  would  be  paradise  on  earth  for  at  least  a 
thousand  years.  Luckily  for  both  of  us  she  chose  otherwise. 
She  might  have  been  arrested  for  being  radically  anti-Nazi 
(and  also  anti-Communist  as  I  am)  and  perhaps  would  not 
have  survived  the  holocaust  of  the  second  world  war.  The 
idea  of  letting  me  emigrate  alone  never  occurred  to  her. 
That  was  unthinkable  as  far  as  she  was  concerned.  Wherever 
I  went,  she  went.  There  was  no  other  way  for  her.  Today 


we 


are  never  separated,  not  even  for  a  single  minute.  We 


^ 


enjoy  our  togetherness  more  than  ever. 

I  could  write  pages  and  pages  about  Annie,  but  she 
tells  me  to  shut  up  or  she'll  be  embarrassed.  Since  I'm 
one  hundred  percent  prejudiced  in  her  favor,  perhaps  I 
better  leave  well  enough  alone.  Nonetheless,  I  can't  help 
but  say  that  she  is  one  in  a  million,  and  I  thank  God  each 
day  that  1  fell  in  love  with  her.  Nothing  better  could  have 
happened  to  me. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  517  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  cane  of  it  I 


-  518  - 


Ever  since  Singapore  the  sea  had  been  calm 

« 
and  the  weather  beautiful.  There  is  nothing  more  enjoyable 

than  an  ocean  journey  on  a  luxurious  passenger  liner  as 
long  as  the  weather  god  is  acting  benevolent.  Even  Annie 
and  I,  despite  our  deep  misgivings  about  traveling  on  a 
Nazi-German  shipycouldn' t  help  but  have  a  good  time.  We 
always  could  count  on  Captain  Tingey  to  take  our  side 
in  case  any  Nazi  on  board  would  try  to  insult  us  and  on 
Timothy  to  protect  us  from  any  real  danger. 

Right  now  I  would  like  to  jump  ahead  of  my  story 
and  tell  about  the  one  and  only  Japanese  passenger  on 
board.  Late  one  evening  somwhere  between  Colombo  and 
the  Suez  Canal  I  got  acquainted  with  him.  Mr.  Kashuo 
Nishitani^as  I'll  call  him  here^although  to  the  best  of 
my  memory  we  never  introduced  ourselves  to  each  other, 
just  fell  to  talking  as  passengers  on  board  a  ship  some= 
times  do.  He  was  a  quiet,  little  man  in  his  early  fifties 
who  exclusively  kept  to  himself.  He  sat  a  few  tables  away 
from  us  in  the  diningroom  with  three  other  passengers. 
Each  time  he  came  and  went  he  bowed  to  his  table  companions, 
but  that  was  as  far  as  he  went.  We  assumed  he  spoke  only 
Japanese  and  for  that  reason  alone  could  not  be  drawn  into 
a  conversation  with  anyone. 


• 


>-i 


• 


# 


That  particular  evening  I  was  standing  at  the  rail- 
ing, looking  out  over  the  dark  sea,  churned  up  by  the 
ship's  propellers.  A  full  moon  left  a  wide  silver-streak 
on  the  water  and  I  felt  engulfed  by  some  romantic  fairy* 
land  atmosphere.  I  don't  remember  why  I  was  alone  w^ithout 
Annie.  She  probably  had  gone  to  bed  already. 

After  a  while  I  noticed  Mr.  Nishitani  standing  a  few 
feet  away  from  me.  More  than  once  I  had  been  wondering 
about  this  little,  lonely  man.  Having  learned  that  diff= 
erant  languages  were  no  barrier  to  communication,  I  thought 
this  was  an  opportunity  to  get  acquainted  with  him.  There 
was  no  one  else  around  but  the  two  of  us.  Somehow,  however, 
I  felt  shy  to  break  into  his  revery.  I  wished  Annie  would 
be  with  rae.  She  always  had  an  easy  way  of  meeting  people 
and  getting  friendly  with  them.  There  we  were,  only  a 
few  feet  apart,  and  yet  there  seemed  to  be  a  wide  gulf 
between  us  which  I  didn't  know  how  to  bridge.  Of  a  sudden 
and  to  my  surprise  Mr.  Nishitani  addressed  me  in  quite  good 
English. 

"You  are  Jewish,  aren't  you?"  he  asked. 

For  a  moment  I  was  taken  aback  and  was  about  to  tell 
him  that  it  was  none  of  his  business  what  I  am.  I  was  over- 
sensitive on  the  Nazi-German  ship  and  the  Japanese  were 
known  to  be  very  friendly  toward  the  German  Nazis.  However, 
his  voice  had  sounded  so  gentle  that  I  couldn't  possibly 


Please,    don*t  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    it  I 


-  519  - 


take  umbrage  at  his  question.  I  nodded  and  said  that  I 
was  Jewish. 

For  a  few  moments  he  looked  at  me  quizzically,  then 
asked,  "If  you're  Jewish,  why  do  you  travel  on  a  Nazi 
ship?"  Before  I  could  answer,  he  added,  "Please,  forgive 
me  for  being  so  inquisitive." 

'.     I  explained  to  him  the  reasons  and  inrum  asked  him, 
why  he  was  interested  in  knowing  that  I  was  Jewish  or  not. 

He  smiled.  "I'm  Jewish  myself." 

It  almost  floored  me.  I  never  would  have  imagined 
that  a  Japanese  could  be  Jewish.  All  I  could  say  was, 
"You  must  be  kidding." 

"What  does  kidding  mean?"  he  wanted  to  know. 

"Joking  or  something  like  that." 

He  shook  his  head.  "No,  I'm  not  joking.  In  fact,  I'm 
on  my  way  to  visit  Palestine.  Once  in  my  life  I  want  to 
see  the  Jewish  homeland,  maybe  to  pray  there  at  the  Wailing 
Wall.  You  know,  this  for  me  is  a  holy  voyage,  perhaps  in 
the  same  way  as  a  Mohammedan  desires  to  visit  Mecca  once 
in  his  lifetime." 

I  still  had  my  doubts  about  him.  It  seemed  to  be  in= 
credible. 

"I  have  been  wanting  to  talk  to  you  ever  since  you 
came  on  board  in  Manila,**  he  said  as  gentle  as  ever,  "but 
I  though  it  wiser  to  wait  until  no  one  could  overhear  us." 

I  felt  still  lost  for  words. 


Please,  don*t  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  520  - 


# 


# 


"Do  you  mind  if  I  call  you  'friend'?"  he  asked  shyly. 
"I  think  that  all  Jews  in  the  world  are  friends.** 

"I  feel  honored,"  I  said  idiotically,  but  how  was 
I  to  cope  otherwise  with  this  curious  happening? 

"You  know,  friend,"  Mr.  Nishitani  went  on,  "all  through 
their  unhappy  history  the  Jews  have  been  praying  *  Tomorrow 
in  Jerusalem' .  One  day  and  perhaps  in  our  lifetime  Palestine 
will  again  belong  to  the  Jews  as  it  rightly  should  be.  They 
deserve  to  become  a  nation  again.  You  see,  I'm  not  a 
Meshummed,  a  convert.  My  family  has  been  Jewish  since  my 
grandparents  accepted  Judaism  for  their  religion  and  philo= 
sophy.  I've  studied  the  old  testament  and  the  Torah  and 


now 


for  one  month  I  want  to  live  in  the  land  of  the  Jews 


and  see  the  ancient  shrines  of  Judaism.  I'm  not  a  rich  man 
and  so  I  couldn't  take  my  family  along.  We  saved  for  many 
years  so  that  at  least  I  could  make  this  holy  journey." 

He  interrupted  himself  and  smiled  at  me.  "Forgive 
me  please  that  I'm  talking  so  much,  but  I  was  so  happy 
to  see  another  Jew  on  this  ship  and  so  glad  that  at  last 
I  can  talk  to  you  alone." 

I  knew,  it  was  my  turn  to  say  something.  "I,  too,  am 
glad  to  talk  to  a  fellow  Jew,"  I  said  although  that  wasn't 
the  way  I  actually  felt.  I  was  so  much  more  curious  how  it 
came  about  that  his  grandparents  had  been  converted  to 
Judaism.  We  Jews  do  not  send  out  missionaries.  We  don't 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of   it! 


-  521  - 


even  encourage  anyone  to  convert.  On  the  contrary,  we  make 
it  as  hard  as  we  possibly  can  to  accept  non-Jews  into  our 
midst.  We  don't  advertise  if  some  one  converts  to  Judaism. 
In  all  my  life  I've  known  only  one  rabbi  who  did  so  in 
Hollywood  when  he  accepted  a  famous  actress  into  the 
Jewish  faith  and  she  probably  doesn't  make  a^^y  use  of 
it  anymore.  This  rabbi  shamed  not  only  himself  by  this 
revolting  publicity,  but  all  Jews  in  general. 

"You  know,"  I  said  to  Mr.  Nishitani,  "this  is  the 
first  time  I  heard  about  a  Japanese  being  Jewish." 

"There  are  very  few,"  he  admitted. 


"Do  you  mind  telling  me  why  your  grandparents  b 


ecame 


Jews?" 


"No,  I  don't  mind  at  all,  my  friend.  You  probably 
don't  know  much  about  the  old  Japan.  The  majority  of  the 
people  lived  like  slaves  and  worked  like  slaves.  We're 
very  proud  of  our  country  and  her  history,  and  yet  during 
the  centuries  when  our  emperors  were  Cnly   puppets  and  the 
shoguns  with  their  samurais,  the  warrior  class,  ruled  our 
nation  until  Emperor  Meiji,  whose  real  name  was  Mutsu-hito, 
the  grandfather  of  our  present  Emperor  Hirohito,  overthrow 
the  shoguns  and  abolished  the  samurais^ the  simple  folks, 
mostly  peasants  like  my  ancestors,  were  not  only  very,  very 
poor,  but  also  had  no  civil  ri/its  at  all." 


It  T  • 


I've  read  much  about  Japan's  history,"  I  told  him, 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  522  - 


t 


"and  know  about  the  shoguns  and  the  samurais." 


• 


# 


n 


Then  you  understand  that  I'm  telling  the  truth.  Plcasq, 


believe  me,  we  Japanese  are  essentially  a  good  people,  but 
so  few  have  ruled  over  so  many  of  us  and  not  always  to 
the  best  of  our  country.  It  still  is  so.  I  think  that  we 
Japanese  would  have  very  much  benefited  if  we  all  were  Jews. 
I  think,  the  whole  world  would  have  been  a  better  world,  if 
it  had  become  a  unified  Jewish  world,  for  the  Jews  want 
peace  and  justice  for  all.  But  these  are  only  my  thoughts 
and  few  people  would  agree  with  them.  Our  greeting  is 
'Shalom'  which  means  Peace  and  that  says  all." 

"Yes,"  I  agreed,  "That  says  all,  but  you  haven't  told 
me  yet  how  and  why  your  grandparents  became  Jews." 

He  looked  out  over  the  wide  ocean  while  he  told  me 
the  story.  There  was  joy  and  nostalgia  in  his  voice  and 
also  a  quiet  satisfaction. 

"At  the  time  after  the  American  Commodore  Perry  came 
to  Japan  in  1854  and  opened  the  door  to  the  West  for  us, 

my  grandparents  were  still  very  young  and  they  lived  both 

a/ 
to  be/hundred,  God  bless  their  souls.  Then  after  the  Meiji 

restoration  and  the  overthrow  of  the  shoguns  in  186SWesterners 

J 

were  allowed  to  come  to  Japan  and  live  there.  My  grandfather 
was  a  small  craftsman,  but  he  was  paid  very  poorly.  He  and 
his  wife  knew  much  hunger.  There  came  a  Jewish  family  from 
England.  They  bought  a  house  not  too  far  from  where  my 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  523  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  524  - 


grandparents  lived  in  an  old  shack.  The  Jewish  family 
was  very  religious  and  needed  some  non-Jewish  servants  to 
do  the  menial  work  on  their  shabos  ,  their  Saturdays,  and 
their  holidays  when  they  weren't  allowed  to  do  any  work.  But 
I  don't  need  to  tell  you  all  that.  The  Jewish  man  started 
an  Import  and  Export  business  and  although  they  weren't 
rich  when  they  came  they  soon  flourished.  They  hired  my 
grandparents  to  be  their  servants,  but  uhlike  other  well- 
to-do  people  in  Japan  Mr.  arii  Mrs  Goldsmith,  which  was 
their  name,  were  very  kind  to  ray  grandparents.  They  had 
a  little  house  built  for  them  on  Mr.  Goldsmith's  property. 
It  didn't  take  long  until  my  grandparents  were  treated 
like  members  of  the  Goldsmith  family.  In  all  their>^lives 
they  had  never  known  so  much  kindness.  For  the  first  time 
they  had  not  to  fear  hunger  and  want  anymore.  With  some 
regularity  Mrs.  Goldsmith  bore  children,  five  altogether, 
and  so  did  my  grandmother.  The  young  ones  were  brought  up 
together  as  if  they  were  all  one  family.  Gradually  my 
grandparents  learned  more  and  more  about  the  Jewish  re=» 
ligion  and  their  children  were  given  an  education,  the 
same  as  the  Goldsmith  children.  So  my  grandparents  became 
Jews,  not  only  out  of  gratitude,  but  also  from  conviction. 
The  oldest  son  of  my  grandparents,  who  -became  my  father, 
was  given  a  beautiful  /amitzvah  when  he  became  thirteen 


kids  that  he  was  a  Jew.  Anti-Semitism  is  such  a  conta- 
gious disease.  But  he  and  we  remained  good  Jews.  My  whole 
family,  brothers  and  sisters,  aunts  and  uncles,  our  children 
and  their  children  haven't  changed.  We're  Jewish  and  feel 
Jewish.  We're  proud  to  be  Jews,  and  we  still  honor  the 
memory  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Goldsmith  who  were  the  source  of 
our  happiness  and  our  well-being.  Their  children  stayed 
in  Japan  and  I'm  working  for  one  of  their  grandsons  as 
an  accountant.  My  grandparents  were  Meshummeds ,  but  my 
parents  and  we  are  true  Jews  and  perhaps  one  day,  when 
Palestine  will  again  become  a  Jewish  nation,  we  may  be 
able  to  go  and  live  there.  All  of  us.  Never  forget  - 


Tomorrow  Jerusalem! 

And  then  he  said,  "I  guess,  it's  time  for  me  to  turn 
in.  You've  done  me  a  real  mjEzvah  (a  good  deed)  to  let  me 
talk  to  you." 

Before  he  left  M  he  said  in  Hebrew  with  a  slight 
Japanese  accent:  "Jevorechacha  adona  voshmerecha. "  -  May 
God  bless  you  and  keep  you. 

I  had  tears  in  my  eyes  and  thanked  him  with  a  choking 
voice  for  the  most  beautiful  story  I  ever  had  heard.  I  never 
felt  my  Jewishness  so  much  as  on  this  occasion  and  never  did 
so  again,  although  I'm  not  a  religious  Jew  as  I  said  before. 

Mr.  Nishitani  left  the  Gneisenau  at  Port  Said  to  travel 


years  old.  My  father  was  very  much  taunted  by  other  Japanese 


to  Jerusalem.  I  was  standing  at  the  railing  as  he  disembarked, 


Please,    don't   worry  I    Nothing  came   of   iti 


-  525  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itI 


-  526  - 


and  he  turned  for  a  moment  to  wave  at  us.  I  believe,  the 
Jewish  people  are  very  much  richer  for  this  one  Japanese 
and  his  family.  May  God  bless  them  all.  I  hope,  he  could 
make  his  dream  come  true  and  move  with  his  family  to 
Israel  to  settle  there  for  the  rest  of  their  lives.  I 
know  they  would  have  been  greeted  with  a  hearty  "Bruchim 
Ha'baim:"/a  hearty  welcome.  Thank  God  for  Israel  and  may 


she  be  blessed 


in  all  eternity. 


I  did  promise  that  I  won't  write  a  guided 

tour  of  world- traveling,  for  that  isn't  the  purpose  of 

this  book.  We  weren't  guided  at  all,  but  compelled  into 

it.  Besides,  I  myself  am  generally  bored  whenever  I'll 

have  to  thread  my  way  through  pages  and  pages  of  phony 

descriptions  which  so  many  writer  like  abstract  painters 

conjure  up  by  their  flatulent  imagination.  I've  read 

accusing/ 
about  skyscrapers  which  supposedly  look  like. 


fingers  stabbing  into  the  sky.  I  never  have  seen  a  sky= 
scraper  which  looked  to  me  like  an  accusing  finger.  I've 
read  superlatives  about  the  beauty  of  the  Orient  and  orien= 
tal  cities  which  were  compared  to  rare  diamonds.  Baloney. 
None  of  the  l^rientaj  cities  have  any  similarity  to  rare 
diamonds.  The  only  diamonds  I've  seen  in  the  Orient  were 
in  the  pierced  nostrils  of  wealthy,  sarong-covered  Indian 
ladies  and  they  didn't  enhance  their  female  beauty.  Each 


one  of  these  diamonds  could  have  fed  a  poverty  stricken 
family  for  a  year  or  more.  I  have  wltnessefl^  the  unbeliev- 
able poverty  which  is  part  of  the  Orient.  I've   seen  the 
filth  of  native  parts  of  C^riental  cities  while  the  tourists 
are  being  shown  the  splendor  of  wealthy  residential  sections 
or  the  Tah  Mahal  which  was  built  with  the  sweat  and  lives 
of  slaves. 

I'm  very  much  tempted  to  skip  the  few  hours  we  spent 


m 


Colombo  on  the  island  of  Ceylon  if  it  weren't 


for  the  Durlon  fruit,  the  elephants  and  a  Nazi  from  the 
Gneisenau  crew  who  sort  of  waylayed  us. 

All  right,  let's  begin  with  the  Durlon  fruit.  Chances 

have/ 
are  you  may  never/heard  of  it  or  have  eaten  it.  We  had 
been  told/ 

about  it  many  times.  The  Durlon  tree  grows  in  the 


Malayan  Archipelago  and  in  parts  of  India.  Its/strange 

grows  to/ 
fruit/fir 


the  size  of  a  man's  balled  fist . Generally  it  is 


in  season  during  May  and  June,  but  we  had  been  told  that 
the  Indian  variety  of  the  Durlon  tree  bears  Its  large, 
yellow-green  flowers  later  in  the  year.  If  the  fruit  was 
available  in  Colombo,  we  were  determined  to  taste  it.  After 
some  wandering  around  we  found  a  native  restaurant  in  a 
narrow  side  street.  We  went  in  and  asked.  We  were  lucky. 
Although  the  season  was  as  good  as  over,  they  had  a  few 
Durlon  fruits  left.  They  were  still  edible  although  they 
spoil  quickly  and  cannot  be  exported,  not  even  if  they're 


r  n*ii-imf.w"t-'"rWl'''""i"*"ll'""*"  '"  f 


Please,   don't  worry!   Nothing  came  of    it! 


-    527    - 


Please,    don't  worry:    Nothing  came   of   Itl 


-    528    1 


quickly    frozen   and   kept    refrigerated.    They're   being   served 
in  a   tightly   lidded  dish  because    their   fetid   smell    is   ovcr= 
powering.    In   order    to   put  one   into  your  mouth    you've  got 
to  pinch    the   nostrils   of  your  nose   together.    One  whiff    of 
Che    smell   and   you  won't   be   able    to  start    eating   it.    but 
once    it   reaches   your   taste   buds,    you  won't  ever   forget    it. 
It's   not   an  experience,    it's   a  happening.    No  other    fruit 
in   the  world   can.  be  compared  with   it.   There's    only   one 
expression   for   its    taste   and   that   is    "ambrosial",    the    food 
for   the    Gods.    Delicious   beyond   any  words    or  any  description. 

The   next    item   on   our  Colombo  agenda    is   the  Nazi  who 
kind  of  waylayed  us  while  we  were  watching  the   rope   trick, 
you   all   have   heard   about  or    seen   on    the   screen.    I   can't 
explain   it  either  how  a   rope  can   lift  straight   up   and  a 

boy   can  climb    it. 

I  don't  know  if  you  can  imagine  the  kind  of  shock  I 
received  when  -  while  standing  in  a  small  crowd  watching 
the  darned  trick  -  some  one  from  behind  me  hissed  into  my 
ear  in  the  most  ugly,  guttural  German:  "Mister  -  1  checked 
you  out.  You're  wanted  in  Germany  as  an  enemy  of  the  state. 
I'm  going  to  make  sure  that  you'll  be  taken  back  for  the 
punislwient  you  deserve,  Jew-bastard." 

The  first  thought  that  came  to  my  mind  was  that  Timothy 
must  be  playing  a  very  unfunny  Joke  on  me.  When  I  turned  my 
head,  1  knew  that  each  word  the  man  behind  me  had  said  was 


not  an  empty  warning.  I  stared  into  the  most  cruel,  Ice- 
cold,  steel-grey  eyes  I  had  ever  seen.  They  sent  shivers 
dovsm  my  spine.  I  remembered  having  seen  this  man  once  or 
twice  on  the  Gneisenau.  Quite  obviously  he  expected  a  re=» 
action  from  me.  When  I  was  still  in  Germany  and  a  Nazi 
insulted  me  I  had  a  standard  answer:  "Drop  dead'.'"  And  so 
quite  naturally  I  told  this  man  the  same.  At  that  moment 
Timothy  whispered  to  me  that  the  man  won't  drop  dead.  I 
wasn't  that  lucky. 

Annie,  fascinated  by  the  rope  trick,  luckily  hadn't 
heard  or  noticed  anything  and  1  didn't  tell  her  about  it. 
The  man  had  walked  away  before  the^ick  was  over. 

Later,  after  we  had  returned  to  the  Gneisenau,  I 

reported  this  ugly  incident  to  Captain  Tingey.  The  next 

the/ 

day  I  had  a  chance  to  point^^Bl  man  out  to  him.  Tingey 

was  up  in  arms.  He  never  told  me  what  he  did,  but  I  sus=« 

pected  that  he  had  a  talk  with  the  Herr  Kapitain,  warning 

him  that  he  would  raise  Cain  if  Annie  and  I  weren't  safely 

landed  in  Southampton.  That  man  never  as  much  as  threw  a 

glance  at  me  again.  I  didn't  believe  my  eyes  when  I  saw 

him  with  a  duffle  bag  slung  over  his  shoulder  leave  the 

ship  at  Genoa.  Perhaps  the  Herr  Kapitain  had  still  enough 

him/ 
influence  to  haveTjliBMBl  recalled  before  the  Gneisenau 

reached  her  home  port  of  Bremen.  Nothwithstanding,  UHl  the 

episode  remained  fixed  in  my  mind  until  the  very  moment  we 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  529  - 


8C<:  foot  on  American  soil.  This  particular  Gestapo  agent 
might  have  been  recalled,  but  who  was  his  replacement? 
Before  we  reached  Southanpton  I  had  reason  to  suspect  the 
Gepaeckmeister  (baggage  master)  on  the  Gneisenau,  but 
Timothy  also  smelled  a  rat  and  prevented  me  from  stepping 
into  his  trap.  Once  we  were  on  the  SS  Europa  we  felt  less 
concerned  because  there  were  no  ports  anymore  between 
Southampton  and  New  York.  Yet,  it  was  still  possible, 
but  not  very  probable  unless  the  passenger  manifest  was 
falsified.  Besides,  kidnaping  a  so-called  "enemy  of  the 
state"  within  their  own  territory  could  have  been  con- 
sidered a  matter  of  German  internal  affairs.  After  all, 
it  had  been  our  own  foolishness  to  travel  on  a  Nazi-ship 
-  although  the  choice  had  not  been  ours  if  we  wanted  to 
immigrate  to  America.  And  we  wanted  to  -  desperately  so. 

Now  at  last  to  the  Elephants  which  '\i>en't  living 
animals.  While  the  Gneisenau  was  getting  up  steam  to 
leave  Colombo  many  passengers  were  leaning  over  the  rail- 
ing, watching  the  small,  native  boats  below.  They  were 
loaded  with  a  variety  of  native  handicraft. At  the  last 
moment  Annie  had  set  her  heart  on  buying  at  least  one 


ev 


ebony  elephant,  even  if  it  would  be  only/very  small  one. 
From  the  boats  below  to  the  decks  high  above  an/vlce  versa 
a  constant  shouted  bargaining  went  on.  Annie  was  in  her 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  530  - 


% 


element.    She   Just   played   the   game  with  all   the   gusto 
she    always    had    shown  when   it   came   to   bargaining   in    the 
Far   East.    She    loved   nothing   better.    Instead   of   one    she 
espied  a    set   of    four  elephants    in  different   sizes,    the 
biggest  one  was   carved    from   a  single    coconut    shell,    the 
others,    each  one   smaller   than   the  next,    were   made    of   ebony. 
So   she   shouted    and    gesticacated    and    the    turbaned    Indian 
in   the  bopping   boat    below  shouted   and   gesticulated  back. 
He  wanted    for    the    set   twenty-four  rupees,    the    equivalent 
of   four  American  dollars.    I    thought    they  were   very   cheap, 
but    told   Annie   we   couldn't   afford   to    spend  even   four 
dollars   on   something  so   useless.    She    didn't    listen, 
gripped  by    the    fever  of   bargaining.    Both   she    and   the 
man  down   below   enjoyed    it  very  much.    Finally    at   the   very 
last   moment    they   agreed    on   six   rupees    or   one    dollar.    No 
one   but  Annie   could    have  managed    it,    but    she    had   continued 
bargaining  until    the   Gneisenau  started  to   glide  out   of 
the  harbor.    The    seller  down   below  either   could   keep   his 
elephants    or  take   a   dollar   for  them.    He  capitulated   and 
put    the  elephants    into   a   basket,    attached    to   a   swinging 
bamboo  pole  which  reached  up    to   our  deck.    Annie   got  her  ele- 
phants  and   he   his   dollar.    These    four   elephants   are   now 
solemnly   standing  on   a  narrow  board   above    one    of  our 
l^vingroom  windows  which  we  call    the   elephant  walk.    They 
are  Annie's   pride   and  she  maintains    that   we  never   spent   a  C 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  531  - 


dollar  to  a  better  purpose.  Maubc  she's  right  at  that. 
During  the  recent  Los  Angeles  earthquake  our  mobile  home 
was  a  shambles.  Only  the  elephants  had  calmly  remained 
on  the  narrow  board  above  the  window.  They  hadn't  toppled 
down  like  most  of  our  things  from  book  shelves,  cup  boards 
and  tables,  including  a  small  bronze  buddha.  His  dignity 
was  certainly  impaired. 


About  a  week  after  we  had  left  Colombo 
and  the  island  of  Colombo  we  entered  the  S^^z  Canal.  Our 
travels  and  travails  in  the  Far  East  and  what  is  gener- 
ally called  the  Orient  had  come  to  an  end. 

The  climate  of  the  Canal  zone  is  hot  all  year  around, 

but  influenced  by  the  Sahara  Desert  the  heat  is  dry  in 

if 
contrast  to  the  humid-^lHR  we  had  known  in  the  Orient. 

Yet,  a  few  nights  each  year  are  exceptionally  cold. 

Naturally  with  our  luck  the  one  night  we  traveled  through 

the  canal  was  one  of  the  coldest  in  many  years. 

After  having  sailed  through  the  Red  Sea,  which  is 

anything  but  red,  the  day  came  to  an  end  as  we  entered 

the  Suez  Canal.  It  was  a  very  bright  night.  A  full  moon 

eerily  lighted  the  landscape  on  both  sides  of  the  narrow 

waterway.  In  that  respect  we  were  lucky  because  we  had 

been  told  that  the  visibility  could  be  reduced  to  almost 

zero  when  the  Khamsin  wind  was  blowing  up  the  desert  sand. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  532  - 


• 


t 


It  seemed  as  if  there  were  only  inches  to  spare  between 
the  ship  and  the^banks  of  the  canal.  Only  at  the  Great 
Bitter  Lake  and  Lake  Timsah  could  ships  pass  one  another. 
At  times  the  Suez  Canal  pilots  had  to  keep  a  ship  waiting 
in  one  of  these  two  lakes  whenever  they  had  been  informed 
by  radio  that  another  ship  was  approaching  from  the  oppo- 
site direction.  We  sailed  through  the  Great  Bitter  Lake, 
but  came  to  a  stop  at  Lake  Timsah  for  about  half  an  hour. 
At  last  a  large  freighter  appeared  and  passed  us  silently. 
The  canal  was  open  for  the  Gneisenau  to  continue  toward 
Port  Said. 

The  temperature  fell  rapidly,  but  we  could  not  per- 
suade ourselves  to  go  down  to  our  cabin,  I  still  was  wear- 
ing a  white,  tropical  suit  and,  having  no  sweater,  I  just 
remained  on  deck  as  I  was. 

We  saw  a  camel  caravan  with  burnoosed  Arabs  like  sil- 
houettes slowly  moving  in  the  opposite  direction  along 
the  ancient  caravan  road  on  the  south  bank  of  the  canal 
which  led  from  Gaza  to  Arish  and  El  Quantare,  places  which 
would  be  making  news  during  the  seven  days  war  in  1967. 
We  were  told  that  Abraham  had  traveled  this  same  road  thou- 
sands of  years  ago.  Maybe  he  had  and  maybe  he  had  not,  it 
did  not  matter  much,  for  we  surely  were  on  biblical  grounds 
on  both  sides  of  the  canal.  I  felt  deeply  enthralled  as  if 
I  were  taken  back  to  the  times  of  the  Old  Testament  and  the 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  ttl 


-  533  - 


people  who  so  long  ago  had  been  my  ancestors,  for  there 

is  not  a  Jew  In  the  world  who  cannot  trace  his  ancestry 

Jewish/ 

back  to  the  land  of  Israel.  And  althouth  the  new/nation 
did  not  yet  exist,  when  we  were  slowly  steaming  through 
the  Suez  Canal,  my  heart  was  deeply  stirred,  knowing  that 
probably  never  again  I  would  come  so  close  to  the  ancient 
land  of  the  Hebrew  people. 

I  know  very  little  if  anything  about  the  Jewish  - 
or  for  that  matter  about  any  other  -  religious  rites 
and  rituals,  but  religion  per  se  has  nothing  to  do  with 
Judaism  as  a  philosophy  and  a  state  of  being  and  mind.  If 
one  is  born  a  Jew,  one  can  never  deny  to  be  a  Jew,  one 
can  never  cease  to  be  a  Jew  either  -  even  not  a  convert 
to  another  faith.  During  all  Jewish  history,  in  the 
thousands  of  years  of  the  diaspora,  the  land  of  Israel 
always  existed  in  the  minds  of  all  Jews  and  now  that 
the  Jewish  Nation  has  been  reborn,  it  will  never  cease  to 
exist.  It  is  there  because  God  has  willed  it  so. 

The  coolness  of  the  night,  this  particular  night,  at 
last  sent  us  shivering  down  to  our  cabin.  I  actually  felt 
chilled  to  the  bones.  After  all,  we  had  lived  in  a  tropical 
climate  for  several  years  and  the  sudden  onset  of  the  cold 
took  effect  of  me .  As  a  young  man  I  had  been  pinned  down 
In  a  fCxhole  in  Flanders  during  a  rain  which  lasted  with- 
out interruption  for  two  weeks.  Like  my  comrades  I  was 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  534  - 


living  and  sleeping  in  a  water-filled  hole  in  the  ground 
with  not  a  chance  to  dry  out  even  for  a  few  hours.  When 
at  last  we  could  be  relieved  and  marched  to  the  rear,  I 
had  to  be  taken  to  a  field  hospital,  having  acquired  a 
case  of  severe  rheumatism  of  which  I  wasn't  totaly  cured. 
During  this  night  in  the  Suez  Canal  I  had  an  attack  of 
ray  old  rho//Tiatism  which  almost  made  me  crawl  up  the  walls. 
The  pains  were  unbearable.  Annie  got  some  ointment  from 
the  ship  doctor  and  for  hours  massaged  me.  The  irony  is 
that  now  when  I've  reached  old  age  I'm  completely  free  of 
rheumatism  while  Annie  is  a  victim  of  arthritis  which  keeps 
her  very  much  incapacitated. 

Luckily  after  the  night  of  frightful  pain  and  sleep- 
lessness the  wonderful  desert  heat  returned  as  we  reached 
Port  Said  where  again  we  had  to  anchor  midstream  and  go 
ashore  on  a  small  launch  past  the  formidable  De  Lessps 


statue. 


t 


In  Port  Said  we  were  for  the  first  and  only  time 
on  Arab  soil  and  what  we  saw  we  didn't  like.  Port  Said 
was  certainly  a  poor  advertisement  for  an  Arab  country, 
or  in  this  case  for  Egypt.  She  was  a  dirty  town  and 
probably  still  is.  Even  dirty  is  not  the  right  expression. 
I  would  rather  say  -  unclean.  We  wandered  around  for  a 
while,  followed  and  annoyed  by  a  little,  filthy  Arab 
urchin.  Although  we  spoke  English,  he  addressed  us  in 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  535  - 


German,  knowing  we  were  traveling  on  a  German  boat.  He 
begged  with  probably  the  only  German  words  he  knew,  try- 
ing to  sell  us  some  pornographic  picture  cards.  He  didn't 

/■  running  at  our  side  -    / 
reiterated  the  same  words:  "Kleine 

Schweinereien,  Herr  Baron^" 
•HBBMB  •■■■■■  "Schweinerei"  cannot  be  easily  trans 
lated.  A  Schwein  is  a  pig  and  Schweinerei  means  literally 
dirtiness  or  filth.  The  closest  translation  would  be: 
"Little  obscenities,  honorable  sir"/.   He  waved  the 

cards  at  us  with  his  dirty  hands.  He  didn't  make  a  sale 

on  us/ 
with  us.  At  last  he  gave  up/to  follow  another  tourist 

couple  who  must  have  been  Italians.  There  was  an  Italian 
passenger  liner  in  the  harbor  when  we  arrived.  So  the 
clever,  little  pest  of  a  boy  attacked  this  couple  by 
telling  them,  "Tanto  bene  cochino,  senor".  Very  good 
obscenities,  sir. 

We  found  the  department  store  of  Simon  Arzt  which 
was  internationally  known  for  its  own  brand  of  Egyptian 
cigaretr-which  they  sold  in  flat  or  round  tin  cans,  de- 
pending on  the  amount  of  cigarettes  one  wanted  to  buy. 
Once  in  a  while  I  had  smoked  them  in  Hamburg  where  they 
were  frightfully  expensive,  but  they  had  a  kind  of  trans- 
lucent taste  which  was  absolutely  unique.  Over  Annie's 

protest  I  bought  a  flat  can,  containing  twenty  cigarettes 

^/ 
Although  we  couldn't  afford/  1  was  unable  to  resist.  After 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


all,  I  had  never  dreamed  to 


-  536  - 


visit  Simon  Arzt's 
did/ 
Department  Store,  hesjt^s ,    the  cigarettes/cost  half  as 

much  as  I  had  paid  for  them  in  Hamburg  -  but  even  half 

as  much  was  too  much  for  us. 

We  wandered  around  some  more  to  satisfy  my  second 

ambition  in  Port  Said,  that  is  to  take  a  snapshot  of  a 

veiled  Arabian  woman.  I  remember  an  Arab  sitting  on  a 

chair  in  front  of  his  white-baked,  mud  house.  On  a  small 


table  beside  him  he  had  a 


cup  with  the  thick  coffee 


they're  used  to  drink.  It's  more  fine  coffee  ground  with 
sugar  added  than  a  liquid  and  can  almost  kill  you  if  one 
isn't  used  to  it.  He  looked  at  us  stoically,  neither 
curious  nor  interested.  A  swarm  of  fat,  green  flies 
were  buzzing  all  around  him,  settling  on  his  face,  arms 
and  hands.  They  didn't  seem  to  disturb  him.  He  made  no 
attempt  to  get  rid  of  them.  They  were  also  all  over  his 
coffee  cup,  attracted  by  the  sugar.  He  just  sat  there  as 
if  he  were  mummified.  One  couldn't  tell  if  he  was  day-dream- 
ing or  not  thinking  at  all  -  if  that  is  possible. 

We  continued  walking  and  at  last  there  she  was,  the 
veiled  Arabian  woman.  She  walked  toward  us  and  I  whipped 
out  my  little  camera,  aiming  it  at  her.  She  shook  her  head 
vehemently,  turned  away  and  started  running  from  us.  We 
tried  to  pursue  her,  but  it  was  of  no  avail.  She  managed 
to  evade  us.  I  never  got  my  snapshot,  although  I  was  de- 


Please,    don' worry  I   Nothing  came  of    iti 


-  537  - 


termined  not  to  give  up,  but  Timothy  stopped  me  be  tell- 
ing me  that  I  was  crazy  as  usual.  If  I  continued  acting 
like  a  lunatic,  I'd  get  myself  into  trouble.  Aral^j^  were 
notoriously  jealous  in  regard  to  their  women  and  taking 
a  picture  of  one  against  her  will  might  not  be  taken  as 
a  friendly  gesture.  If  I  got  into  a  spat,  I  had  to  fight 
myself  out  of  it  without  his  help.  He  wasn't  my  bodyhuard, 
only  my  guardian  angel  and  that  didn't  include  brawling 
in  my  behalf. 

I  regretted  that  Captain  Tingey  wasn't  with  us.  He 

him/ 

would  have  helped  me,  but  we  didn't  see/when  we  went 
ashore.  Later,  telling  him  about  that  elusive  Arabian 
woman,  he  said  it  served  me  right.  I  had  no  business  to 
bother  foreign  females.  Moreover,  he  hadn't  wanted  to 
go  ashore  because  he  didn't  like  the  bloody  Arabs.  Once 
an  Arab  merchant  had  cheated  him  thoroughly  and  that  was 
enough  for  him  to  dislike  all  Arabs.  In  his  opinion  they 
were  all  thieves  and  robbers.  Of  course,  it  was  the  same 
all  over  again,  collective  prejudice  for  the  sin  of  one 
individual.  I  met  a  man  once  who  hated  all  cats  because 

one  of  them  had  in  the  long  ago  accidentally  turned  over 

had/ 
a  burning  candle  and  his  house/almost  burned  down.  Crazy,  Jf 

but  that's  the  way  we  are.  Always  apt  to  condemn  rather 
than  to  praise.  We  never  would  praise  a  whole  nation  on 
account  of  one  good  man,  but  we  easily  persecute  an  entire 


race 


for   the   bad   deed   of   a   single  member  of    this    race. 


Please,    don't   worry!    Nothing   came   of    itI 


-  538  - 


I  am  not  better.  I,  too,  am  prejudiced  against  all 

Arabs  on  account  of  the  hate-spewing  Grand  Mufti  in  Hitler's 

times  and  later  of  their  misleader  Nasser.  Both  men  are  dead 

and  hopefully  have  gone  to  hell  -  but  can  and  should  we 

blame  each  and  every  Arab  for  the  existence  of  these  two 

bad  men?  Each  people  as  a  people  are  basically  good,  I 

think.  They  would  as  willingly  follow  an  honest  leader  as 

a  dishonest  one.  The  trouble  only  lies  in  the  ignorance 

^        the  evil  designs  of/ 

of  the  mas se sand /nany  so-called  educated,  supposedly  not 
ignorant  single  persons.  I  am  prejv^j^iiced  against  all 
Arabs  and  never  have  met  a  single  one.  I  know  it  isn't 
right,  but  I  can't  fight  it. 


• 


No  ordinary  traveler  or  tourist  or  any* 

one  else  for  that  matter  can  ever  Imagine  our  feeling 

of  insecurity  and  fear  -  yes,  also  fear  although  I  rarely 

suffer  from  fear  -  when  our  ship  sailed  toward  Italy  and 

which/ 
Europe.  We  were  on  our  way  to  Genoa  and  Italy/like  Nazi- 

Gerraany  was  ruled  by  an  egomaniacal  dictator.  If  that 
Gestapo  agent  on  the  Gneisenau,  who  had  threatened  me 
in  Colombo,  had  a  chance  to  kidnap  me,  he  would  have  it 
in  Mussolini's  Italy.  We  didn't  know  what  to  expect.  In 
Nazi-Germany  the  Jews  had  been  officially  designated  as 
sub-human  beings  (Untermenschen)  who  had  no  civil,  judi- 
cial and  moral  rights  at  all.  They  had  been  declared  and 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came    of   It  I 


-    539   - 


were   treated  as   open   prey    like   vermin.    In   addition   to   our 

apprehension   about  our  own   safety  we  could   not    suppress    a 

feeling   of   guilt    that   we  were    traveling  on   a  Nazi-German 

ship.    True,    we   had   had  no   other  choice    if  we  wanted    to  go 

to    America,    and   yet   each  minute    aboard   we  were    aware    that 

we    didn't  belong.    We   had  no  right    to  be    there.    We   really 

were   in   a  quandary  which   to  change   was   beyond  our  power. 

Captain   Tingey,    knowing  of   our   predicament,    always 

tried/ 
stuck  close    to  us.    Timothy/^to   calm  me   down   although   he   had 

to    admit    that  he   might  be    of   little   help   other  but  warn  me 

in    time    in  case    there   would  be    a  contemplated   attempt 

to    shanghai   me  back   to  Nazi-Germany.    If  ray    time   was   not 

yet    up,    the   Nazis   couldn't   kill   me,    but   on   the   other  hand 

he   mioht   not   be   able    to  protect  me    from   all    the    tortures 

they  had   already    refined   to  a   degree    that    it  wasn't    some=» 

thing   to    look  forward    to.    Most   of   all  Annie   and    I    feared 

the    possibility   of  being   forcibly   separated   by   the   Nazis. 

Actually,    there  was  nothing  we   could  do   about    it.    Like 

children,   waiting    for   Christmas    to   come,    we  waited   for   the 

qioment  we   could   set   foot   on  American   soil. 


The   weather   g:ew  colder   and   colder.    We   had   December   and 
even    in    the    relatively   mild   climate    of    the  Mediterranean  we 
-  more   than   others  who   hadn't   lived    in   the    tropics    for   a 
number  of  years    -    could   feel   the   first   stirrings    of  winter 


during   the   three   days    and   nights    the   Gncisenau   sailed    from 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of    iti 


-    540   - 


t 


Port  Said  through  the  Straits  of  Messina  and  along  the 
Italian  coast  up  North  to  Genoa.  Try  as  we  did,  we  could 
not  shed  our  inner  tensions  and  yet  could  not  escape  the 
beauty  of  the  evening  as  we  passed  through  the  Straits  of 
Messina  with  Sicily  at  one  side  and  the  southern  tip  of 
Italy  on  the  other.  It  grew  dark  when  we  reached  the 
Tyrrheanian  Sea  and  the  Lipari  Islands,  which  in  ancient 
timeanad  been  called  the  Aeolian  Islands  and  allegedly 
had  been  the  residence  of  the  w/Cnd  god  Aeolus.  Luckily 
for  us  the  old  god  must  have  been  asleep,  for  no  winds  were 
blowing.  It  was  here  where  according  to  Greek  mythology 
the  two  monsters  Scylla  on  the  Italian  side  and  Charybdis 
on  the  Sicilian  shores  dominated  the  narrow  waterway  through 
which  Odysseus  sailed.  In  later  years  Scylla  was  mapped 
as  a  reef  and  Charybdis  an  a  dangerous  whirlpool,  and  if 
the  mariners  didn't  watch  out  the  one  or  the  other  would 
cause  their  ships  to  sink. 

We  passed  quite  closeB  to  the  Stromboli,  an  active 
vulcano. which  generally  was  engulfed  by  sulphur  vapors. 

J^/ 

But  this  late  evening/]BB  ■■■■■H  gave  a  pyrotechnic 
performance  for  us.  It  spat  flowing  lava  into  the  air  which 
like  a  fiery  waterfall  rolled  down  the  three  thousand  feet 
of  the  mountain.  It  was  one  of  the  most  fascinating  sights 
to  behold. 

In  Genoa,  where  the  Gneiscnau  stopped  for  a  few  hours^ 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  541  - 


quite  a  number  of  passengers  disembarked  for  the  quicker 
trip  by  railroad  to  Nazi-Germany.  Annie  and  1  debated 
whether  to  go  ashore  or  not.  Both  of  us  were  in  desperate 
need  of  a  sweater  to  withstand  the  cold  weather.  Captain 
Tingey  willingly  offered  to  accompany  us  aTad  Timothy  ex» 
pressed  signs  of  jealousy,  but  had  no  choice  but  to  trot 
along.  It  was  his  duty  never  to  leave  ray  side,  but  he  could 
not  help  complaining  about  our  relying  so  much  on  a  mere 
mortal  like  the  good  Captain  Tingey. 

We  had  little  time  for  sightseeing  and  didn't  care 
to  stay  on  Fascist  soil  for  longer  than  it  took  to  buy 
our  sweaters,  hoping  they  wouldn't  be  too  expensive. 

Genoa  around  the  harbor  displays  white  palaces  and 
mansions  with  green  gardens  rising  on  terraces  to  the 
peaks  of  steep  hills.  While  we  were  searching  for  a 
department  store  we  changed  our  mind  and  made  a  detour 
for  a  short  visit  of  the  San  Lorenzo  Cathedral,  supposedly 
the  most  magnificent  Gothic  church  in  the  world.  There  is 
no  doubt  about  its  magnificence  as  an  edifice,  but  I  have 
yet  to  be  inspired  by  any  building  consecrated  to  the  wor= 
ship  of  God,  thinking  how  many  people  could  have  been  fed 
and  housed  for  the  money  expended  to  build  it  and  keep  it 
up.  Man  can  pray  anywhere  without  the  need  of  pompous 
structures  and  professional  clergymen.  I  can't  believe  that 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  542  - 


believe  that  He  woujd  listen  more  to  the  prayers,  said 
by  a  congregation  assembled  in  these  houses,  than  to  the 
plea  of  a  poor  man  who  by  himself  prays  in  a  hovel.  Neither 
do  I  believe  that  earthly  wealth  entitles  anyone  to  special 
privileges  in  the  grand  theme  of  God's  universe. 

We  crossed  the  Piazza  Dante  and  went  into  the  museum 
which  allegedly  was  once  the  home  of  Christopher  Columbus, 
the  man  who  is  wrongly  accredited  with  having  discovered 
America.  If  we  coujd  have  afforded  the  expenditure  we  would 
have  taken  a  taxi  ride  to  the  Stagliano  Cemetry  which  all 
tourist  guide  books  declare  as  a  must  for  visitors  although 
they  don't  define  why. 

Our  main  objective  was  a  department  store.  We  tried 
to  inquire,  but  found  no  one  who  spoke  English.  Captain 
Tingey  declared  that  all  Italians  were  just  uneducated  or 
they  would  understand  English.  It  never  occurred  to  him 
that  he  was  the  uneducated  one  because  he  didn't  speak 
Italian. 

We  walked  and  walked  and  when  at  last  we  detected  a 
department  store  we  were  in  the  same  predicament.  Nobody 
there  spoke  English  and  our  Captain  grew  increasingly  ex=- 
asperated.  Nonetheless,  we  managed  to  buy  our  sweaters.  It 
was  cheaper  to  pay  in  Italian  lira  than  later  in  English 


po 


unds,  for  it  was  in  England  where  we  really  would  have 


God  demands  pomp,  rituals  and  dogmas  of  any  kind.  I  can't 


frozen  to  death  without  our  sweaters. 


Please,    don't  worry  1    Nothing  came  of    Itl 


.    543    - 


Please,   don't  worry'.    Nothing  came   of    itl 


-  544  - 


We  praised  the  Lord  when  we  left  Genoa  without  having 
encountered  any  incident.  Since  the  start  of  the  Spanish 
Civil  War  foreign  passenger  liners  didn't  stop  at  Spanish 
ports  anymore.  So  we  just  steamed  from  Genoa  through  the 


Stpits  of  Gibraltar  to  the  English  Channel  and  Southampton 


where  we  were  supposed  to  disembark.  The  day  prior  to  our 
arrival  there  the  kind  of  incident  occurred  of  which  I  had 
been  afraid.  In  fact,  I  still  don't  believe  that  it  was  a 
happenstance  incident,  but  a  well  prepared  trap. 

Early  that  morning,  while  I  was  walking  the  deck,  a 
seaman  approached  me  and  asked  if  I  would  mind  coming  down 
with  him  to  the  baggage  hold.  The  Herr  Gepaeckmeister  (bag- 
gage master)  would  like  me  to  inspect  our  overseas  trunk 
which  had  been  damaged  so  that  I  could  sign  an  insurance 
claim  if  necessary.  1  should  have  been  suspicious  at  once 
that  this  seaman  might  have  waited  until  1  was  alone.  Annie 
had  just  gone  down  to  our  cabin  and  a  few  minutes  before 
■■I  Captain  Tingey  had  left  us  to  work  on  some  report  for 
his  company  in  London. 

Not  realizing  how  many  narrow,  winding  stairs  one 
had  to  walk  down  to  reach  the  lowest  part  of  the  ship  I 

naively  followed  this  obsequious  seaman.  There  didn't  seem 

winding,  ^f^J]^ 
to  be  an  end  to  the/ stairs.  •*  t/ithin  a  few  minutes  1  began 

to  feel  giddy  and  though^I  was  going  to  get  seasick.  Timothy 
whispered  to  me,  "Oh  no,  this  is  all  wrong.  Tell  that  man 


you  don't  feel  well  and  therx  clim/back  up  to  the  deck.  To 
heck  with  that  phony  insurance  claim.  I  promised  to  warn 
you  when  I  smell  danger  and  I  smell  it  right  now." 

I  stopped  in  my  tracks  and  followed  Timothy's  advice. 
I  was  close  to  throwing  up  anyway.  If  that  trunk  was  damag- 
ed, I  still  could  sign  a  claim  in  Southampton  where  they 
had  to  unload  it.  For  a  moment  I  thought  if  the  seaman 
would  use  force  to  come  down  with  him,  but  then  something 
stopped  him.  A  scare  hushed  over  his  face  and  without 
saying  anything  he  let  me  go  back  up.  I  heard  Timothy 
chuckle.  "I  was  about  to  push  him  down,"  he  said. 

While  I  was  slowly  climbing  up  the  stairs  again  I 

wondered  why  I  had  been  so  stupid  in  the  first  place  to 

A- 

let   the   seamh    lure  me   down   to    the    baggage   hold.    That 

baggage  master   could   have    imprisoned  or  killed   me  and 
nobody   would  have  been   the  wiser. 

"I  would  have   been    the  wiser,"   Timothy    said,    "but 
I    wonder  what    I    could  have  done    if   he    had   held    you   prisoner?" 

"Annie   wouldn't   have^given  up    to    search  for  me    and 
Captain  Tingey   would  have   reported   my   disapperance    to  the 
port    authorities    in    Southampton." 

"Sure,"  Timothy   mocked  me,    "if   the^Nazis  didn't  want 
you   to   be    found,    nobody  would   have    found  you." 

Maybe    all    this   was   my    imagination    and   maybe   Timothy    - 
as    it   was   his   habit    -   over-dramatized    the   situation,    but 
the    fact   remained   that   our  trunk  wasn't  damaged    in   any 


way  whatsoever   as  we  discovered  when  it  had   been  unloaded 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  545  - 


In  Southampton  the  next  day.  Whatever  the  truth  was,  I 
was  smart  to  have  listened  to  Timothy.  What  good  is  a 
guardian  angel,  if  one  ignored  his  warnings.  After  we 
arrived  in  New  York  he  proudly  /informed  me  that  he  had 
been  promoted  to  Guardian  Angel  First  Class  which  was 
one  step  up  the  ladder  to  a  better  job  after  -  well,  you 
can  imagine  after  what. 


The  railway  trip  from  Southampton  to  London 
and  back  was  included  in  our  fare.  We  took  a  cheap  room 
in  a  modest  hotel  on  Russels  Square  for  the  three  days 


we  had  to  stay  in 


London  which  I  had  known  in 


happier  times.  We  had  managed  to  make  it  without  mishap 
so  far  and  didn't  anticipate  that  anything  would  go  wrong 
on  the  SS  Europa  which  was  sailing  non-slop  from  London 
to  New  York.  After  all,  we  were  on  the  official  manifest 
of  the  SS  Europa  and  had  no  doubt  anymore  that  we  would 
be  safely  delivered  in  New  York. 

Please,  don't  worry,  but  we  weren't  on  the  official 
passenger  manifest  of  the  SS  Europa  when  we  went  the 
next  day  to  the  offices  of  the  Norddeutscher  Lloyd  on 
Regent  Street.  They  had  no  papers  or  documentation  that 
we  were  booked  on  the  Europa.  We  showed  the  agent  our 
tickets,  paid  for  in  Manila,  and  demanded  that  he  would 
wire  the  main  office  in  Bremen.  He  assured  us  that  he  would 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it'. 


-  546  - 


do  so  and  we  should  come  back  the  following  day. 

This  was  a  predicament  we  had  not  figured  with  at  all. 
in  case  we  were  denied  further  passage  we  were  going  to  be 
in  deep  trouble.  We  had  little  money  left  and  no  one  to 
turn  to.  How  could  we  afford  to  stay  longer  than  the 
calculated  three  days  in  London  or  worse  even  buy  passage 
on  another  ship?  We  would  be  stranded  and  perhaps  declared 
undesirable  aliens  in  England.  Moreover,  if  we  didn't 
arrive  in  New  York  on  or  before  January  4th  our  passports 
wouldn't  be  valid  any  longer.  If  the  worse  was  coming  to 
the  worst  the  British  could  deport  us  to  Nazi-Germany. 

Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl  Our  worries 
like  most  worries  had  been  in  vain.  As  it  turned  out  the 
next^,  it  was  all  a  matter  of  mislaid  papers  and  everything 
was  in  perfect  order.  We  could  proceed  on  the  SS  Europa 
without  any  further  trouble. 


Of  course,  we  cannot  tell  how  native  Americans 
feel  when  they  return  to  their  country  after  a  trip  abroad. 
To  us  our  arrival  was  the  most  grandiose,  the  happiest  event 
in  our  lives.  As  we  passed  the  Statue  of  Liberty  we  could 
not  help  but  shed  tears  of  the  most  deeply  felt  joy.  We  had 
come  a  long  way  from  Nazi-Germany  where  liberty  had  been 
totally  abolished.  We  had  traveled  from  West  to  East  and 
from  East  to  West.  It  had  been  a  hard  and  long  detour  from 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  547  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! . 


-  548  - 


West-Europe  to  the  East-Coast  of  the  United  States.  Wc 

were  emotionally  so  overwhelmed  when  our  eyes  feasted  on 

the  gigantic  Statue  of  Liberty  and  the  fascinating  sky 

line  of  New  York  that  we  could  not  fully  fathom  the  realty 

that  at  last  we  had  come  to  the  land  of  our  dreams.  We 

sincerely  believed  that  nothing  but  milk  and  honey  would 

flow  in  America.  From  now  on  nothing  could  wrong  anymore. 

We  had  made  it  to  our  new  country,  to  the  land  of  the  brave 

and  the  free,  to  the  land  where  once  more  we  could  live 

as  citizens,  to  the  land  where  our  rights  and  our  duties 

as  human  beings  were  constitutionally  guaranteed.  There 

never  could  be  a  repetition  of  this  moment  of  happiness. 

But  milk  and  honey  -  please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came 

of  itl  At  least  not  in  New  York,  where  for  sixteen  months 

we  knew  almost  nothing  biit  hunger  and  disappointments. 

And  yet,  today  when  the  words  "Establishment"  and 

"Anti-Establishment"  are  tossed  about  so  meaninglessly , 

we  are  again  and  again  reminded  how  great  our  debt  of 

gratitude  to  these  United  States  of  America  is,  this  vast 

land  which  has  become  our  haven  and  home.  If  th€jB  vain 

of/ 
pretenders^li  knowledge,  who  have  joined  the  CSOBIBHB 

ranks  of  the  anti-establishment  movement^, should  succeed 

in  overthrowing  the  so-called  establishment  the  process 

would  be  reversed.  The  anti-Establishment  would  become  the 

Establishment  and  the  former  Establishment  tlie  antl-Establlsh" 


ment.  Lust  for  power  and  greed  would  not  have  been  abolished 
Both  are  so  human  that  they  never  have  been  conquered  in  all 
history.  What,  indeed,  is  the  Establ  isliment?  Our  government? 
Our  present  political  system?  Or  is  it  also  the  Russian 
government  and  its  political  system?  We  here  in  this  country 
do  not  incarcerate  our  best  minds  in  slave-labor  camps  or  • 
insane  asylums  as  the  establ  ijliment  does  in  Russia.  We  do 
not  repress  the  freedom  of  other  nations  as  the  Soviet- 
Russian  establisliment  did  in  the  Baltic  countries,  in 
Hungary,  Czecho-Slovakia,  Poland,  or  the  Red  Chinese  in 
Tibet.  Where  is  the  line  between  no  establishment  and 
anarchy? 

This  bel(^gyed   country  of  ours  (I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr. 
K.  wherever  you  are)  may  not  have  the  best  form  of  a  govern- 
mental establishment,  but  where  is  there  a  better  one,  ex- 
cept perhaps  in  Israel?  We  may  want  to  correct  the  wrongs 
which  are  built-in  in  any  establishment,  but  what  will  we 
have  if  we  overthrow  it  altogether?  Dictatorship?  Anarchy? 
Is  that  what  we  want?  The  loss  of  all  freedoms,  for  the 
preservation  of  which  this  country  has  fought  so  often  and 
so  bravely?  Is  that  what  we  want?  We  never  will  achieve 
Utopia  anywhere  in  the  world.  We  may  as  well  dissent  and 
correct  without  destroy^jig  what  we  have.  "Liberty  without 
obedience  is  confusion,  and  obedience  without  liberty  is 
slavery,"  so  wrote  William  Penn.  Establisliment,  anti- 


Establishment,  if  we  want  to  use  these  empty  expressions, 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-  549  - 


no  matter  -  we  better  be  aware  that  one  day  in  the  not 
too  distant  future  we  -  that  is  the  people  of  the  entire 
civilized  world  -  will  have  to  face  the  most  dangerous 
monster  of  all  establishments  -  that  of  Red  Chinal 

Long,  unkempt  hair  and  beards,  libertinism  and  total 
sexual  permissiveness  are  not  the  means  by  which  we  can 
change  which  should  be  changed.  If  mankind  wants  to  sur=» 
vive,  it  cannot  be  done  by  bombs,  by  riots  and  by  the 
bloody  means  of  professional  pacifism,  but  only  by  intelli= 
gence,  education  and  rational  planning.  Our  ecology,  the 
balance  of  God's  nature,  is  endangered,  but  we  cannot  re- 
build it  by  destroying  our  liberties.  The  liberal  writer 
and  humanist  Hendrick  Willem  van  Loon  wrote  in  his  book 
"Our  Battle":  "We  are  adherents  of  the  Illusion  of  Free 
Speech.  We  believe  in  it  as  one  of  the  essentials  of  a 
democratic  form  of  government.  Yet  our  enemies  to  whom 
we  grant  this  privilege  abuse  it  by  a  form  of  propaganda 
which  has  only  one  purpose  -  to  destroy  a  form  of  govem= 
ment  which  grants  even  its  most  dangerous  enemies  the  right 
to  give  free  expressions  to  their  views.  It  is  all  very 
puzzling  and  perplexing."  Don't  we  better  trim  our  hair 
and  beards  and  go  to  work  to  preserve  freedom  ,  liberty 
and  our  natural  resources? 


Yes,  Annie  and  I  never  have  been  and  never 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  550  - 


aga 


in^MlB  be  so  happy  as  when  our  ship  steamed  into 


New  York  Harbor. 

We  had  left  Nazi-Germany  with  forty  dollars  in  our 
possession  and  now  after  three  years  and  two  months  of 
travels  and  travails  we  owned  seventy- five  dollars  -  a 
net  gain  of  thirty-five  dollars. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  551  - 


CHAPTER  NINE 


THE  PURSUIT  OF  HAPPINESS 


We  did  not  discover  America  in 
New  York.  1  believe  that  no  alien,  who  lands  in  New  York 
,  and  stays  there,  ever  will  discover  America,  the  heart- 
land of  America,  the  true  America,  the  America,  any  immi= 
grant  dreams  about;  the  land  of  great  mountain  ranges,  of 
wide  stretches  of  prairies  and  deserts,  of  beautiful  forests 
with  redwood  trees,  born  two  thousand  years  ago;  the  land 
of  many  blue  lakes  and  farms;  the  land  of  natural  beauty 
and  sometimes  man-made  ugliness;  the  land  of  freedom. 

New  York  is  something  special,  something  set  aside, 
almost  a  country  by  herself,  a  melting  pot  where  natives 
of  many  nations  don't  melt  because  they  generally  live 
and  aggregate  in  special  parts  of  the  city.  Without  a 
doubt  New  York  is  the  most  international  metropolis  of 
this  time  -  but  she  is  not  America.  More  Irishmen  liver 
there  than  in  Dublin,  more  Italians  than  in  Milan,  more 
Germans  than  In  Berlin  and  more  Jews  than  in  Israel  -  to 
name  only  a  few  nationalities.  New  York  is  a  forest  of 
low  and  high-rise  stone  buildings  with  a  few  parks  in 
between,  a  few  trees  and  little  beauty.  New  York  is  a 
city  of  sky  scrapers  which  cannot  be  seen  in  such  con- 
glomeraLioiyinywhcrc  else.  New  York  is  a  city  of  art. 


Please,  don*t  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it'. 


-  552  - 


theatres,  advertising  agencies  and  the  home  of  the  United 

Nations,  the  greatest  hope  and  failure  of  modern  mankind. 

New  York  is  Wall  Street  and  Madison  Avenue  and  Park  Avenue 

and  slums  with  rat-infested  cold-water  flats,  but  she  is 

not  truly  America.  One  hears  in  New  York  more  foreign 

that/ 
la-Wguages  spoken  than  English  and/includes  Brooklinese. 

New  York  has  her  own  facade,  her  own  principles  and 

her  own  way  of  living.  She  is  Harlem,  and  Bronx,  and  Brook- 

-^ 
lyn.  and  Wlliamsburg  and  Coney  Island  and,  of  course,  Man- 
hattan  but  all  these  places  combined  do  not  constitute  the 
real  America.  New  York  is  New  York,  a  city  which  is  unique 
in  all  the  world  and  fascinating  as  well  as  repugnant.  Like 
cattle  stock  yards  she  is  a  slaughterhouse  of  human  souls. 
Many  won't  agree  with  this  my  personal  appraisal,  but  that 
was  how  we  -  Annie,  Timothy  and  I  -  experienced  her. 

We  spoke  more  German  in  New  York  than  we  ever  had  done 
since  we  had  left  Nazi-Germany  because  we  had  no  choice  but 


to  congregate  mostly  with 


German  refugees  for  want  of 


any  other  social  contacts.  As  hard  as  we  tried  to  like  New 
York,  we  never  did.  We  didn't  feel  at  home  there  for  a  single 
day.  We  couldn't  get  used  to  the  impersonal,  commercial  cold- 
ness of  the  people,  to  the  unsmiling  faces  in  the  streets  m 
and  public  places,  to  the  rushing  and  running,  to  the  ex- 
press subway  trains,  the  ever  crowded  streets  and  the  bad 
air.  To  use  a  present-day  language  expression,  New  York  just 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of   It! 


-   553   - 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   It'. 


-  554  - 


was  not  our  kind  of  hang-out.  It  didn't  turn  us  on. 

The  United  States  Constitution,  so  precious  for  the 

freedom  of  mankind,  guarantees  the  pursuit  of  happiness, 

but  not  happlnes  Itself.  We  weren't  happy  in  New  York  as 

much  as  we  strlved  to  pursure  the  happlnes  we  had  been 

seeking.  We  had  looked  so  much  forward  to  getting  to  New 

York  and  start  an  entirely  new  life,  but  we  failed  in  our 

endeavours.  America  had  been  a  wonderful  dream  for  us. 

Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  It  in  New  YorkI 

Maybe  the  disappointment  was  all  our  fault  because  we 

might  have  expected  too  much.  Perhaps  New  York  did  not 

reject  us,  but  we  rejected  her. 

Again  and  again  one  hears  or  reads  about  refugees 

dropping/ 
arriving  on  the  shores  of  New  Yo rk ,/#■■■■■■  on  their 

knees  and  with  tears  streaming  down  their  cheeks  kiss/the 
hallowed  ground  of  the  land  of  the  free.  It  is  such  a  sad 
sham,  for  they  only  kiss  the  dirty  ground  of  New  York 
which  is  not  America.  And  after  having  kissed  the  ground 
they  believe  to  be  in  the  land  of  their  great  hopes.  In- 
stead they're  going  to  be  swallowed  up  in  the  ghettos  and 
slums  of  New  York,  there  to  eke  out  an  existence  which 
very  often  is  below  a  decent  living  standard. 

As  In  Shanghai  and  Manila  nobody  was  waiting  for  us. 
At  leant  so  we  thou;;ht./ 
/Nobody  had  invited  us  to  come  and  live  a  new  life  there. 

Nobody  was  very  much  if  at  all  lnt;ercsted  in  us  or  in 


associating  with  us.  No  passer-by  on  any  street  In  New 
York  would  ever  think  of  bidding  another  passer-by  a 
friendly  "helloh". 

New  Yorkers  /ake  their  lives  much  too  seriously  and 
forget  to  smile  at  one  another.  We  were  lonely  among  the 
crowds  in  the  streets  of  this  big  city.  How  hard  it  turned 
out  to  be  to  pursue  happiness  in  New  York  on  an  empty  stomach. 

During  the  time  we  stayed  in  New  York  we  were  often 
close  to  starving.  Many  a  day  and  days  in  succession  we 
had  nothing  to  eat  at  all  and  more  often  than  not  we  could 
not  pay  our  rent  for  a  miserable  backroom  with  a  window 
that  met  the  stone  wall  of  the  next  house.  These  months 
in  New  York  were  without  a  doubt  the  most  desolate  in  our 
lives  and  once  we  had  left  we  never  returned  or  had  any 
desire  to  return. 

We  discovered  America  In  America  and  our  pursuit  of 
happiness  was  crowned  with  success  after  we  had  turned  our 
backs  on  New  York.  Yet,  during  the  more  than  thirty  years 
we  now  live  in  this  great  and  wonderful  countxry  (Sorry,  Mr. 
K. ,  wherever  you  are)  we've  met  many  kind  and  warm-hearted 
native  New  Yorkers,  but  they  did  not  any  longer  live  in 
New  York,  which  docs  not  bring  out  the  best  in  men.  On  the 
other  hand  -  although  we  are  unable  to  understand  It  -  many 
New  Yorkers,  who  were  born  and  raised  there  or  who  had  adopt" 
ed  her  for  their  own,  never  feel  wholly  at  home  anywhere 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  555  - 


else.  The  true  New  Yorkers  are  a  special  breed  of  people 

as  New  York  is  a  specsial  kind  of  city.  One  either  likes 

or  dislikes  her  with  little  in  between. 

We,  Annie  and  X,  didn't  learn  to  love  her,  but  neither 

did  we  hate  her,  for  we  have  little  or  no  talent  for  hat* 

ing.  We  just  disliked  New  York  and  don't  think  we  would 

change  our  attitude  if  we  ever  would  visit  her  again.  And 

so  I  beg  all  enthusiastic  New  Yorkers  to  forgive  us  for 

our  attitude.  We  felt  more  like  strangers  in  New  York  than 

we  did  in  Shanghai  and  even  Manila.  I  can't  define  the 

but/ 
real  reasons  -  other/SSi  our  forlorn  poverty  perhaps  - 

why  we  could  not  adjust  ourselves  to  life  in  New  York.  We 

were  theatrical  people  and  New  York  aside  from  London  is 

the  theatrical  capital  of  the  world  -  or  so  they  say.  We 

felt  dejected  and  rejected  there  despite  the  fact  that  a 

few  kind  people  made  a  half-hearted  effort  to  make  us  feel 

welcome. 


It  was  cold  that  winter.  God  Almighty,  was 
it  coldl  For  three  months  one  snow  storm  follwed  the  flV 
other,  and  we  had  not  the  wardrobe,  not  even  the  unde^ear, 
for  this  kind  of  weather.  For  over  three  years  we  had  been 
living  in  a  tropical  climate.  Our  blood  had  begun  to  thin 
out.  We  felt  like  tropical  birds  transported  back  to  the 


ice    age. 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came   of   it! 


-  556  - 


Yet,  at  first  our  profound  happiness  that  at  last  we 

had  been  admitted  to  this  country,  that  we  could  expect 

to  become  American  citizens  in  another  five  years  and  thus 

would  not  any  longer  be  people  without  a  country  kept  us 

going  although  one  catastrophe  followed  the  other.  Each 

time  we  ventured  out  on  the  street  we  almost  froze  to 

death.  Our  few  dollars  dwindled  away  and  soon  came  days 

where  we  had  nothing  to  eat.  We  were  constantly  cold  and 

the/ 
most  of/ time  hungry.  A  meal  of  maccaroni  or  potatoes,  fried 

in  lard,  was  a  feast  which  we  always  shared  with  another 

actor  refugee  from  Berlin.  He,  too,  was  hungry  and  when=» 

ever  one  of  us  could  buy  something  to  eat  we  shared  it 

with'i^m  or  vice  versa  he  with  us.  We've  been  good  friends 

ever  since  and  still  are  after  all  these  years. 

Of  course,  millions  of  other  penniless  emigrants  has 

arrived  before  us  in  New  York  and  gone  through  the  same 

ordeal,  but  that  didn't  give  us  any  consolation.  One  only 

feels  one's  own  needs  and  ours  were  bad.  New  York  wasn't 

good  to  us  or  perhaps  we  failed  to  conquer  her.  We  were 


ro 


iserable  greenhorns  although  we  were  experienced  refugees 


As  far  as  we  were  concerned  New  York  had  neither  heart  nor 
soul.  In  Shanghai  we  had  found  some  kindred  souls  who  helped 
us  over  the  first  tough  months.  In  New  York  was  no  one  on 
whom  we  could  count.  Even  some  acquaintances  of  my  parents, 
who  had  rented  us  a  room,  turned  out  to  be  no  friends  of  ours 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  557  - 


In  the  Ivtg  city  of  New  York  everybody  was  on  his  own. 
All  the  way.  There  was  a  Jewish  refugee  center,  which  doled 
out  a  few  dollars  once  in  a  while,  but  jobs  were  not  avail- 
able,  not  even  menial  ones.  Hitler's  bad  conduct  had  not 
yet  really  penetrated  the  minds  of  the  New  Yorkers,  not 
even  those  of  the  Jews.  We  met  few  people  who  actually 
believed  in  the  true  horrq^stories  which  came  out  of  Nazi- 
Germany. 

Our  hard  luck  -  although  it  didn't  appear  to  be  so  - 
started  at  the  pier.  We  had  gone  through  the  immigration 
procedure  on  board  of  the  Europa  and  then  through  customs 
without  trouble.  As  we  walked  down  the  gang  plank,  an  old 
acquaintance  of  my  parents,  a  woman,  whom  we  had  sjightly 
known  in  Hamburg,  was  waiting  for  us.  All  I  can  say  now 
is  God  help  us  form  our  avowed  friends  since  it  is  so  much 
easier  to  take  care  of  one's  enemies.  But  at  that  moment 
a  familiar  face,  any  familiar  face,  seemed  to  be  a  godsend. 
She  and  her  second  or  third  husband  had  already  immigrated 
to  HB  ^^^  York  in  1933.  They  were  settled  in  a  large  apart= 
ment  on  West  77th  Street  where  they  rented  rooms  to  poor 
suckers  like  us.  My  father  had  written  to  that  woman  and 
had  advised  her  of  the  time  of  our  arrival.  The  little, 
obesive  lady  took  command  of  us  and  like  lost  sheep  we 
stupidly  followed  her.  We  fell  for  her  con-game  when  she 
assured  us  that  she  would  take  care  of  us  until  we  could 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-    558   - 


manage    for    ourselves.    She   took  care  of  us    all   right   by 

letting  us    have   a   room  at    three   times    the    rent    i^.  was 

worth.    What   did   we   know?    In   all   the  J^rs    of  our  emigration 

we    always    had   succeeded    in  standing  on   our    own    feet.    Perhaps 

without   this  woman  we  would   have    also    suceeded    in  New  York, 

but   it    seemed    to  easy  at    first   to    take    that   room,    and   once 

we   couldn't   pay   our    rent    regularly  we    were    unable   to  get 

our  from  under.    When  she   waited   for  us    at    the   pier,    though, 

she  welcomed  us    as    if  we    were    her    own    beloved   children.    My 

father   had    naively  written  to   her    that    I  had  a   job   at   one 

hundred-fifty  dollars   a  month,    a  veritable    fortune    in   those 

times    of  mass-unemployment.    No  wonder,    she    sucked   on   to   us 

for  all   she   hoped    to   get.    She    and    her    husband   didn't  work 

but/ 
other/iSi   taking  care  of   their  apartment.    They   lived  quite 

comfortably   on    the  blown-up   rent    they    took    for    their  rooms. 

"Isn't   it   wonderful,"  she  asked  us  over  and  over  again, 
you  don' t    have/ 

"that/i 


to   search   for    lodgings    in    this   miserable 


weather?" 


She  was   right.    We  were   so  tired   and  cold,    we  would   have 
followed   the  devil    If  he    had    promised   us   a    roof  over  our 
heads.    We    took   her  word    that    twelve  dollars   a  week   for  a 
room  was  dirt-cheap    and    learned  too  late   that  we  could  have 
gotten    a  similar  room  for   four  dollars   without   any   trouble 
anywhere   in   New   York.   Well,   we  forked   over    twenty-four  dollars 
for  the   first   and   last  week   in  advance   and    that   left   us   with 


Please,  don*t  worryl  Nothing  came  of  It!      -  559  - 


fifty-one  dollars.  We  weren't  worried.  After  all,  I  had 
my  Job  and  Annie  as  always  would  find  an  engagement  as  a 
singer  in  a  nightclub.  Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came 

of  it: 

So  we  stayed  with  this  lady  In  her  miserable  backroom 
for  all  the  fifteen  months  in  New  York,  and  when  at  last 
we  moved  West  to  California  we  had  to  leave  with  herp.n 
compensation  of  unpaid  rent  my  father's  solid  gold  watch 
and  diamond  ring  which  I  had  inherited  after  his  death 
a  few  months  after  our  arrival  in  New  York. 

We  had  been  in  Los  Angeles  for  about  a  year  when  she 
sent  a  man  to  us  with  the  offer  to  sell  us  back  these 
valuable  mementos  at  a  price  we  couldn't  afford  to  pay. 
I  was  then  working  for  a  salary  which  just  kept  us  going. 
In  later  years  when  our  fortunes  had  gone  up  and  we  were 
able  to  retrieve  the  watch  and  the  ring  we  could  not  any- 
more locate  her  in  New  York.  She  might  have  passed  away 
and  Timothy  tried  to  convince  me  that  she  had  been  sent 
straight  to  hell.  For  once  I  didn't  believe  him.  Who  was 
he  to  know  and  besides  what  did  it  matter? 

Well  -  as  the  lady  had  promised  -  we  had  a  roof  over 
our  heads  and  a  bed  to  sleep  in,  but  not  much  more.  Al- 
though we  couldn't  get  a  glimpse  of  the  sky  from  our  window 
and  the  air  from  outside  was  foul,  we  clung  to  the  room 
like  birds  in  a  cage.  Since  it  was  poorly  heated  most  of 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  560  - 


• 


the  time,  we  stayed  in  bed.  But  a  job  was  waiting  for  me 

and  I  had  to  report  to  the  uncle  of  my  Manila  boss.  On 

the  third  day  I  gave  myself  a  push  -  sl^ow  storro  or  not  - 

to  venture  out  and  find  the  business  on  /wenty-Third  street. 

This^my  first  expedition  in  New  York. was  a  traumatic  ex=» 

perience.  New  York  is  overwhelming,  so  overwhelming  that 

how/ 
to  this  day  I  don't  understand/outsiders  can  adjust  to 

her.  She  is  even  worse  than  London. 

Most  native  or  resident  NewYorkers  may  shake  their 

fool  heads  and  perhaps  laugh  at  me,  but  I  still  shudder 

when  I  think  of  a  New  York  subway.  One  doesn't  enter  a 

subway  train,  one  is  being  pushed  into  it  from  behind 

or  left  standing  on  the  platform.  Neither  does  one  leave 

the  train  unless  one  is  being  pushed  out  if  one  getJ close 

to  the  door  in  time  or  one  stays  in  the  train  until  the  -^.^ 

end  of  the  line.  If  late  at  night  the  trains  are  relatively 


erap 


ty,  one  never  knows  if  one  isn't  mugged  or  killed  out' 


right.  We  had  faced  many  dangers  in  the  world,  but  none 
as  fear- inspiring  than  riding  in  a  New  York  subway  train. 
Nothing  in  hell  can  be  much  worse. 

People  in  New  York  don't  walk  leisurely  like  human 
beings.  They  always  rush  as  if  being  pursued  by  devils. 
They  run  and  rush.  They  bump  into  one  another  H/ithout  an 
"Excuse  me,  please"  or  even  "I  beg  your  pardon".  Everything 
is  express.  Everything  is  push,  rush,  push.  Rush,  push,  rush 
-  that  typifies  New  York. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  561  - 


Underground  -  and  part  of  the  way  of  life  in  New 
York  is  underground  -  one  has  to  follow  arrows  and  colored 
lines  and  God  help  you  if  you  ever  err.  You  might  be  lost 
for  hours.  In  fact,  Annie,  who  had  braved  the  dangers  of 
Nazism  in  Germany,  the  dangers  of  war  in  Shanghai,  the 
dangers  of  typhoons  and  earthquakes  as  well  as  many  other 
adventures,  got  frantic  each  time  we  had  to  take  a  ride 
in  the  subway.  She  was  scared  to  death  that  in  the  push 
and  rush  we  two  might  get  separated  and  never  would  find 
each  other  again.  The  maze  of  subway  tunnels  -  in  parti= 
cular  under  Times  Square  -  were  to  her  incomprehensible. 
Timothy  fully  agreed  with  her,  but  he  had  lived  in  the 
horse  and  buggy  days  what  he  called  the  good,  old  times. 
Anyway,  Annie  clung  to  rae  like  a  vine  whenever  we  got 
pushed  in  or  out  of  a  subway  train.  At  times,  when  we 
were  riding  the  trains  at  night,  1  wished  I  still  had 
my  nice,  little  Beretta  from  Iloilo  days.  Iloilo  -  how 
easy  and  secure  life  seemed  to  have  been  there  in  comparL<><:>n^ 
(■Hco  the  human-made  jungle  of  New  York. 

Every  once  in  a  while  we  still  have  nightmares  about 
the  New  York  subway.  The  fetid,  underground  air  alone 
could  sicken  any  normal  human  being.  When  I'm  now  reading 
about  experiments  to  make  it  possible  that  one  day  people 
could  live  in  cities  on  the  bed  of  an  ocean,  I  fc£l  very 

happy  that  I  won't  live  to  see  it.  I  believe,  we're  lucky 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  562  - 


to  live  now  and  not  in  the  next  century  when  fiendish 
technology  and  science  might  change  human  beings  into 
automatons,  troglodytes,  or  underwater  creatures  which 


they  had  been  eons  and  eons  ago.  From  the  sea  we  c 


ame 


and  to  the  sea  we  will  go.  Not  wc ,  Annie  and  I.  Neither 
would  we  cherish  to  exist  on  outerspace  stations.  We've 
become  very  old-fashioned  and  earthbound  for  the  rest  of 
our  lives.  Not  even  the  most  luxurious  super-sonic  jet- 
liner can  lure  us  to  leave  terra  firma. 


Our  pursuit  of  happiness  in  New  York  was 
a  futile  effort  and  thank  God  that  New  York  isn't  America, 
for  nowhere  in  the  world  can  one  find  a  deeper  sense  of 
happiness  of  living  than  in  these  United  States  of  America 
At  least  we  have  found  it   and  we  wouldn't  surrender  it 
for  all  the  gold  in  Fort  KnqJ^.  (Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  wherever 


you  are.) 


My  first  New  York  subway  ride 


has 


remained  in  my  memory  as  much  as  my  first  rickshaw  ride  in 
Shanghai.  We  never  had  gotten  adjusted  to  being  pulled  by 


a  human 


animal,  but  we  had  the  choice  to  stop  that 


animal  and  walk  instead.  One  couldn't  stop  a  subway  train  --t 
at  any  moment  we  felt  sick  of  riding  in  a  mechanical  under* 

ground  conveyor  amidst  a  sweating,  unsmiling  mass  of  human- 

an/ 

Ity.  Each  one  down  there  like /anthropoid  apc9   was 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  563  - 


out  for  himself,  not  caring  a  damn  for  his  fellow  travelers 
And  so  it  came  about  that  1  didn't  push  my  way  out  at  the 
station  of  my  destination.  Politely  I  waited  for  others 
to  exit  and  before  I  knew  it  the  door  was  shut  by  unseen 

hands.  I^osted  myself  close  to  the  door  for  the  next 

Vd/ 
station/was  forcibly  evicted  or  rather  ejected  by  other 

people  pushing  from  behind.  I  walked  up  to  the  surface 
and  asked  my  way  back  to  Twenty-Third  Street  and  at  last 
reached  the  office  building  in  a  shattered  frame  of  mind 
and  physically  exhausted.  Twenty-ThUd  Street  in  New  York, 
as  most  everybody  knows,  is  the  center  of  the  garment 
industry.  It  was  teeming  with  industrious  humanity.  I 
felt  transformed  into  a  super  structure  of  an  ant  hill. 

On  the  ground  floor  of  the  building  behind  large 
windows  which  had  been  taped  up  with  brown  packing  paper, 
preventing  anyone  from  looking  in,  were  the  offices  and 
store  rooms  of  the  company  where  I  expected  to  work  as 
a  merchandiser  for  the  Far  East.  One  hundred- fifty  dollars 
a  month  would  mean  the  difference  between  eating  and 
starving,  between  paying  rent  or  not  paying  it,  between 
living  and  not  living.  At  the  very  moment  I  stood  at 
the  entrance  door  1  had  the  premonition  that  the  old 
spook  would  work  again:  Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing 
came  of  iti  Why  should  I  have  any  premonition  at  all? 
In  my  pocket  reposed  the  letter  of  one  of  the  two  owners 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  564  - 


of  this  company,  guaranteeing  the  job  I  had  been  promised. 
They  might  in  fact  already  waiting  for  me,  but  in  all  my 
life  I  had  some  sort  of  radar  system  in  me,  warning  me  of 
coming  disaster.  I^-had  saved  me  many  a  time,  although  it 
also  quite  often  had  fooled  me  into  not  taking  actions 
^  which  would  have  benefited  me.  Now  -  what  kind  of  disaster 
could  befall  me  in  this  office  of  a  reputed  business  firm? 
Notwithstanding,!  was  hesitant  to  enter  although  Timothy 
didn't  hold  me  back  which  he  would  have  done  if  ho  smelled 
danger.  At  last  I  gave  myself  a  mental  push,  opened  the 
door  and  set  foot  into  the  office.  Well  -  this  time  my 
radar  system  hadn't  failed.  There  was  no  office  anymore 
and  I  could  have  as  well  stayed  home,  announcing  my  arrival 
over  the  telephone. 

To  make  it  short  -  it  was  unbelievable;  it  was  really 

ridiculous;  it  was  absolutely  childish  and  in  retrospect 

it  was  the  best  catastrophe  which  could  have  happened  to 

me.  If  I  had  gotten  the  honestly  promised  jol?  to  which  I 

had  looked  so  much  forward.  Annie.  Timothy  and  I  might 

never  have  left  New  York.  We  might  have  become/fi^T^^he 


ants  in  this  giant  ant-hill  and  would  not  have  discovered 
America,  the  true  America  which  we  learned  to  love  so 
deeply  (Sorry.  Mr.  K. .  wherever  you  arc)  and  which  made 
good  our  drenm  of  successfully  pursuing  happiness. 

If  one  ever  could  write  a  story  with  an  end  only 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came  of    it  I 


-  565  - 


and  no  beginning,  this  was  the  one.  I  had  gone  to  a  funeral 
without  the  sermon  of  a  preacher  and  sad  organ  music.  As 
a  majtter  of  record,  I  never  met  that  mysterious  uncle  of 
my  boss  in  Manila.  The  company  was  in  the  process  of  clos^^' 
ing  shop  for  good.  There  was  no  job  and  no  one  hundred- fifty 
dollars  a  month.  As  I  entered  the  premises  I  encountered 
nothing  but  some  packers  to  crate  whatever  was  left  of 
the  business.  A  man,  who  seemed  to  be  in  charge  o/  this 
unhappy  ending,  approached  me  and  asked  ftf  what  I  wanted. 
I  showed  him  the  letter.  After  reading  it  he  grinned  from 
ear  to  ear  and  he  hadtnagnif icei^itly  large  and  ou&tanding 


ears . 


"Do  you  know  what  you  can  do  with  this  piece  of  paper?" 
he  asked  and  handed  it  back  to  me. 

Stupified  as  I  was  I  shook  my  head  and  so  he  answer^ 
ed  his  own  question  which  I  rather  won't  repeat  here.  I'll 
leave  that  to  your  own  imagination. 

"What  happened?"  I  inquired.  "When  I  left  Manila  six 
weeks  ago  this  firm  had  been  still  in  existence." 

The  man  nodded  his  head.  "Sure,  sure,"  he  said. 

As  he  understood  it,  one  of  the  two  partners  had  found 
out  that  the  other  one  had  milked  the  till  for  all  it  had 
been  worth  to  pay  gambling  debts.  There  had  been  a  blow-up 
between  the  two  men  which  resulted  in  criminal  proceedings 
and  liquidating  the  partnership  as  well  as  the  company. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  566  - 


f 


t 


That  was    it    in  a   nut   shell.    What  else   could    I  do  but    re- 
treat   like   a  beaten  dog  with  my   tail  between  my    legsf  Wliat 
now,    I   wondered? 

While    I  was    dejectedly   returning   to   the   subway    station 
it   occurred    to  me    that  never  before  had   I  admitted  defeat 
under   any   circumstances    and    I  wasn't   going    to  do   so   now. 
No,    sirree.    To  each  defeat   there  was   an   alternative.    Fight 

for  something  else.    We   always   had    survived   however  bleak 

had/ 

the  outlook/seemed  to  be.  And  we  would  survive  in  this 

rais£^able  city  of  New  York.  Why  miserable  city,  I  asked 

myself?  The  city  wasn't  miserable,  I  was.  Why  blame  New 

York  for  a  cheating  partner  who  was  stupid  enough  to  gamble 

and  lose  more  than  he  could  afford.^  No,  the  world  hasn't 

come  to  an  end.  Not  yet.  Not  for  a  long  time.  After  all, 

the  universe  was  a  thought  of  God.  Who  had  said  that?  I 

had  read  it  somewhere.  Nevermind,  if  the  universe  was  a 

thought  of  God,  I  was  a  tiny  particle  of  that  thought, 

was/ 
and  that /sufficient  for  survival. 


t 


I  found  my  way  home  to  Annie  who  greeted 
me  as  if  I  had  been  gone  for  years.  Anytime  I  went  out  on 
my  own,  she  worried  about  me.  I  couldnlt  understand  why 
because  I  never  had  been  the  one  who  had  gotten  lost.  But 
her  joy  o^  seeing  me  back  sound  and  safe  enveloped  me 
with  the  warmth  of  security  which  I  needed  badly  just  then. 


Please,   don't  worry  I   Nothing  came   of    It  I 


.    567    - 


Please,    forgive  me,   bat   I   cannot  help  but   again 

one   of/ 
quote    Taylor  Caldwell   whom   I   consider/the   greatest   writers 

of  our  century.    Why   she   has    not   been   awarded    the  Nobel 
Prize    of   Literature   is   beyond  me.    In   her   book  "The    Earth 
is    the   Lord's"    she   wrote  what    I    felt   when   I   came   home 
with    the    inglorious   defeat    I  had   suffered:    "Nothing   is 
more   precious    than    the    love    of   the  woman  we   desire,    and 
that    love    is  water    in   a  desert,    a  horse   among  enemies, 
a    sword   in  battle,    and    a  warm  hearth.    It    is   a   fortress 
and  a    refuge.    He  who  hath   such   a  woman  hath   a   jewel   above 
all  price    and    all   heaven  with   it." 

Annie    and    I   owned    so  much  happiness    that  we  had 
little   need  to   pursue  more    of    it.    What  greater  happiness 
was   there    than   our    togetherness?   We    had    lived   on   empty 
stomachs    before,    we  could   do    it    again. 

I   should   have    known   that   she   took   the  bad  news    in 
stride.    If    the   job   was   not    to  be,    she   said,    I   just  had 
to  put  my    thinking   machine    into   new    gear   and    let  my  well- 
trained   sub-conscious   mind    come    up  with   an   idea  what   else 
I   could  do.    I   could  write   to   the  publisher   in   Philadelphia 
that   we  had  arrived  and  perhaps    he  would    let  me  have 
another   small    advance    on  my    future    royalties.    Don't 
worry!    Nothing  came  of    it!    However,    we   still   were    con- 
vinced   (how  green  we  were)    that    the   book   could  not  be 
anything  but    a  best   seller.    Besides,    I   could  pay   a  visit 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing   came   of   iti 


-  568  - 


f 


t 


to  the  editor  of  the  Jewish  Telegraph  Agency  who  had 
accepted  some  of  my  articles  I  had  mailed  to  him  from 
Shanghai  and  Manila.  1  could  ask  around  if  there  were 
no  other  German  refugee  actors  and  writers  I  had  known,  ff 
Perhaps  we  could  do  something  together, 

"Whatever  you  do,  don't  sit  and  brood,"  Annie  advised 
me.  "You'/e  always  been  a  man  of  action,  even  if  you  had 
to  act  in  a  vacuum.  This  isn't  the  first  vacuum  and 
probably  not  the  last." 

Yes,  I  had  always  acted,  even  in  a  vacuum.  I  had 

never  faltered  to  meet  an  emergency  head  on  if  necessary 

and  could  act  decisively  on  the  spur  of  the  moment.  On 

in  my  own  behalf/ 
the  other  hand  I  had  little  talent  to  hustle^HHHHBJf 

unless  I  could  do  it  by  writing  letters.  I  could  never 

go  out  and  sell  myself  personally  to  people  whom  I  did 

not  know.  Well,  Annie  persuaded  me  that  the  editor  of 

the  Jewish  Telegraph  Agency  wasn't  a  total  stranger. 

Perhaps  he  would  welcome  me  if  I  went  to  see  him. 

I  never  could  resist  Annie  and  so  I  went  to  see  the 


t 


editor.  As  she  had  predicted,  he  welcomed  me  in  a  very 

pleased/ 

friendly  manner.  He  seemed  to  be  genuinely^j 


that  we 


had  made  it  to  America  and  promised  to  write  about  me  in 
his  regular  JTA  Features  which  was  being  distributed 
among  all  Jewish  periodicals  and  newspapers  in  America.^ 
I  wished,  he  would  have  offered  me  a  job.  in  his  office. 
He  didn't  volunteer  and  I  didn't  ask  -  foolishly  sensitive 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  569  - 


as  I  am. 

All  right,  the  man  kept  his  promise.  It  carried  a 

tiny  hope  that  some  editor  of  the  many  Jewish  magazines 

swallow/ 
and  newspapers  in  America  might  M^^the  bait  and  re« 

quested  my  services.  Please,  don't  worry:  Nothing  came 

of  it!  At  least  not  until  we  came  to  Los  Angeles  and 


me 


t  the  then  editor  of  the  Jewish  Voice.  Otherwise  not 


one  of  the  editors  as  much  as  inquired  about  me  after 
the  following  paragraph  appeared  in  the  JTA  Features 

two  weeks  later: 

"Li'ry  Note:  A  globe-trotting  refugee  dropped  in  to 

say  hello  to  us  the  other  day  Came  from  Germany, 

via  Shanghai,  Manila  and  points  East,  South,  North  and 

West  He  is  Max  L.  Berges,  former  actor,  stage 

director,  and  writer  of  Hamburg Readers  of  the 

Anglo- Jewish  press  may  remember  some  articles  by  Berges, 
especially  one,  in  which  he  described  the  plight  of  Jewish 

refugees  in  China  American  readers  will  soon  have 

the  opportunity  to  appraise  Berges  as  a  novelist  

For  his  book  "COLD  POGROM"  will  be  published  this  year  .. 

The  editors  of  the  publication  house  took  on  the  book 
despite  the  fact  that  their  schedule  had  already  been  filled 
for  the  year,  so  impressed  were  they  with  its  punch  and 


power 


II 


The  publishing  date  of  my  book  was  not  scheduled  for 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  570  - 


f 


t 


# 


another  ten  months.  We  only  could  pray  that  it  would 

launch  me  on  a  new  career.  Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing 

came  of  itl  It  didn't  launch  me  to  anything.  The  editors 

of  the  publishing  house  who  were  so  "impressed  with  the 
and/ 

punch/W  power  of  the  book"  didn't  put  any  punch  or 
power  behind  the  promotion,  or  rather  they  didn't  promote 
it  in  any  way  whatsoever.  It  was  -  as  the  editor  of  a 
leading  national  magazine  confirmed  years  later  -  a 
potential  best  seller,  but  it  died  for  lack  of  initiative 
on  the  part  of  the  publishing  house.  It  sold  some  six 
thousand  copies  and  coud  have  easily  sold  a  hundred 
thousand  if  another  publishing  firm  had  picked  up  the 
option.  It  coulrf  have  sold  to  the  movie  industry,  and 
if  it  had  been  pushed  it  could  have  been  serialized 
in  a  national  magazine.  It  was  the  right  kind  of  book, 
published  at  the  right  kind  of  time.  But  I  still  was  a 
faint-hearted  greenhorn  who  didn't  know  how  to  act  in 
my  own  behalf. 

Of  all  the  many  reviews  it  received  not  only  in 
America  but  in  many  other  parts  of  the  world  I  will 
insert  hero  only /Sii  sequence  of  one: 

"COLD  POGROM  is  a  stirring  novel.  It  tells  the  story 
of  a  peaceful  Jewish  family  in  pre-Nazi  Germany  and  what 
happened  to  it  after  the  National-Socialists  seized  power. 
-  COLD  POGROM  is  the  story  of  all  German  Jewry.  Unprepared 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing  came   of    it  I 


-  571  - 


for  the  storm,  relying  upon  the  fairness  and  culture  of 
their  fellow  citizens,  a  proud  and  gifted  community  suc- 
cumbed to  a  wave  of  barbarism  the  coming  of  which  only 

a  few  of  them  believed  possible.  COLD  POGROM  is  not  a 

in/ 
horror  story,  but  one/which  the  human  spirit  is  pitted 

against  cold  brutality.  Berges '  story  couched  in  dramatic 

novel  form  may  be  accepted  as  vivid  truth.  It  is  a  living 

book  which  should  be  read  by  everyone.*' 

Quite  a  number  of  years  later  I  corresponded  about 
this  book  with  James  Young,  one  of  the  editors  of  the  now 
defunct  magazine  "COLLIERS".  I  sent  him  a  copy  and  this 
is  what  he  wrote  to  me: 

"I  have  read  COLD  POGROM  and  it  is  indeed  a  power=- 
ful  novel  as  well  as  a  terrific  indictment  of  the  Nazi 
regime.  I  do  not  know  its  history  but  it  would  have  served 
a  very  useful  purpose  had  it  been  serialized  in  Colliers 
or  The  Post  when  it  was  written.  I  think  it  is  fully  as 
fine  a  novel  as  two  that  were  written  about  somewhat 
similar  sufferers  by  Erich  Maria  Remarque  (  who  as  you 
probably  know,  barely  managed  to  escape  from  Hitler's 
Germany,  when  the  Gestapo  was  hot  on  his  trail).  And 
that  is  high  praisci 

"It  was  very  difficult  to  convince  the  average  IBHB 
American  in  the  Thirties  that  the  Nazis  were  what  we  know 


them  to  be  today  what  we  knew  them  to  be  once  the  war 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  572  - 


had  really  got  under  way  and  we  began  to  learn  the  truth 

about  the  concentration  camps  and  the  wholesale  murders 

and  so  on.  COLD  POGROM,  had  it  been  widely  circulated  or 

serialized,  would  have  done  much  to  teach  us  the  truth 

about  what  had  happened  in  Germany,  under  the  scoundrel. 

I  am  sorry  it  wasn't." 

And  so  am  I  -  still  -  despite  the  fact  tha/'the  advance 
five  hundred/ 
royalty  of^Bi  dollars  enabled  us  to  pay  part  of  our  fare 

to  the  United  States.  Perhaps  this  alone  should  have 

sufficed  as  far  as  I  am  convemed. 


♦ 


9 


Meanwhile  we  had  to  eat  in  New  York,  of 
course.  It  was  quite  a  problem.  Gradually  we  met  a  few 
other  German  refugees  -  actors,  writers,  singers  -  all 
of  them  struggling  for  their  existence  under  aggravated 
circumstances,  for  at  the  time  so  many  Americans  were  un=» 
employed . 

I  succeeded  in  making  a  few  hopefully  valuable  con=» 
tacts  as  for  instance  with  Edna  Ferber  and  George  S.  Kauf= 
man.  They  tried  to  publicize  me,  but  their  efforts  were 
half-hearted,  done  more  with  an  idea  of  duty  to  help  than 
with  a  compassionate  heart.  With  my  book  no  more  than  a 


nom 


inal  success  I  was  little  noticed.  And  I  wasn't  the  man 


to  make  myself  noticed.  It  was  as  much  my  fault  as  those 


who  tried  to  help  me. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it.' 


-  573  - 


Annie,  as  usual,  didn't  flake  out.  As  In  Shanghai  and 
Manila  she  earned  some  money  before  I  did.  All  by  herself 
She  went  to  audition  for  the  then  famous  Major  Bowes  Ama> 
teur  Radio  Hour  and  was  ch6sen  to  appear  on  the  show  where 
she  sang  a  Viennese  song  in  German  and  English.  A  few  weeks 
later  she  was  called  for  a  repeat  performance  for  which  she 
received  a  bonus  of  twenty-five  dollars,  a  fortune  for  us. 

We  had  no  doubt  that  her  new  carppr  i„   i™^^- 

new  career  in  America  was  launched. 

Please,  don't  worry.'  Nothing  came  of  it! 


Epictetus.  a  Roman  Stoic  philosopher,  who 
taught  that  good  is  within  oneself  and  advocated  the 
brotherhood  of  men,  wrote  about  60  A.D.:  "If  anyone  is 
unhappy,  let  him  be  reminded  that  he  is  unhappy  by  reason 
of  only  himself.  God  has  made  all  men  to  enjoy  felicity 
and  the  orani-presence  of  God." 

Shortly  after  Annie's  pleasant  success  at  the  Major 
Bowes  Amateur  Hour  I  got  a  call  from  the  Gennan  Language 
Department  of  the  Columbia  University  to  play  a  part  in 
the  classic  drama  "Nathan,  der  Weise"  (Nathan,  the  Wise) 
by  the  18th  century  Gennan  author  Gotthold  Ephraim  Lessing. 
"Nathan,  der  Weise",  a  drama  which  Lessing  wrote  in  1779, 
has  not  lost  its  valuable  message  of  tolerant  co-existence 
among  religious  faiths.  Lessing's  friend,  the  German-Jewish 
philosopher  Moses  Mendelson,  a  leader  in  the  movement  for 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came   of  it  I 


-  574  - 


% 


# 


t 


cultural  assimilation,  was  supposed  to  be  the  model  for 
Nathan . 

If  I  remember  right,  there  were  three  performances 
and  I  received  a  minimum  fee.  Of  course,  these  small  sums 
we  earned  didn't  add  up  to  much  and  weren't  enough  to  fill 
our  stomachs  for  any  length  of  time  or  enabled  us  to  pay 
our  rent  regularly.  Yet,  they  gave  us  a  small  measure  of 
confidence  that  we  were  on  the  way  -  although  on  which  way 
we  couldn't  yet  tell. 

We  had  applied  for  and  received  our  first  citizenship 
papers  and  Timothy  made  a  fuss  about  it.  He  maintained  that 
he  actually  had  illegally  immigrated  into  the  United  States 
and  then  wanted  to  know  what  I'm  going  to  do  about  it. 

Nothing,  I  told  him,  or  did  he  think  I  would  make  a 
fool  of  myself  by  asking  the  authorities  to  issue  citizen=« 
ship  papers  for  an  invisible  guardian  angel?  They  either 
would  send  me  to  a  nut  house  or  laugh  me  out  of  the  country. 
No  bureaucrat  in  the  world  had  the  imagination  to  believe 
officially  in  guardian  angels  and  no  government  would  have 
rules  and  regulations  concerning  them. 

Well,  it  didn't  pacify  him.  He  maintained  that  he  was 
a  German-bom  guardian  angel  and  might  get  into  trouble  with 
his  authorities  over  this  whole  matter.  He  always  had 
wondered  why  they  had  let  him  travel  with  me,  instead  of 
assigning  local  guardian  angels  wherever  we  had  resided. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  575  - 


The  United  States,  if  we  intended  to  settle  there  for  good, 
wasn't  his  territory,  and  he  at  least  had  to  confer  with 
his  superiors. 

1  shrugged  my  shoulders.  If  he  had  to  confer,  he  had 
to  confer.  In  case  his  superiors  wanted  to  substitute  an 
American-born  guardian  angelg,  I  hoped  he  would  be  more 
friendly  and  less  complaining.  I  was  ungrateful  and  he 
had  a  right  to  feel  insulted  after  all  he  had  done  for  me. 
I  apologized.  We  two  really  had  gotten  so  much  used  to  each 
other  and  to  our  peculiarities  that  we  both  would  have 
hated  to  get  separated. 


/i 


That  same  day  he  proved  to  me  that  he  still  was  on 
the  ball./ 


He  suddenly  pulled  me  back  from  crossing  a  busy 


street  intersection.  Only  a  few  seconds  later  a  heavy  truck 

collided  with  two  cars  just  at  the  spot  where  I  might  have 

been  had  I  crossed  the  street.  I  shook  all  over  at  the 

sight  and  heard  Timothy  tell  me  that  at  least  I  could  ex= 

press  my  appreciation  for  having  saved  me  -  and  I  could 

cross  to  the  other  side  now.  Otherwise  I  might  get  stuck 

court/ 
with  being  a/witness  to  the  accident  which  actually  didn't 

cause  too  much  damage.  I  asked  Timothy  what  was  wrong  with 

being  a  witness?  Nothing,  he  said,  if  I  had  the  foggiest 

idea  which  vehicle  caused  the  accident.  I  hadn't,  so  I 

crossed  the  street  and  felt  irritated.  I  never  liked  to  be 


manipulated  and  besides  Timothy  always  insisted  on  instant 
thanks  before  I  had  even  caught  my  breath. 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  576  - 


% 


# 


A  few  days  later  he  informed  me  that  he  had  gotten 
permission  to  stay  with  me  until  further  notice.  That 
further  notice  never  came,  I'm  happy  to  say.  I  don't 
think  I  would  have  like  another  guardian  angel.  He  is 
looking  over  my  shoulders  now  while  I'm  writing  these  lines 
and  demands  that  I  give  him  proper  credit  for  his  services 
to  me  and  not  just  let  it  go  with  a  few  meaningless  sentences 
After  all,  once  I  had  passed  on  to  the  next  station  of 
existence  some  promotional,  laudatory  material  might  prove 
valuable  to  his  future  assignment  by  the  celestial  autho* 
rities.  I  promised  him  to  write  a  special  letter  of  re™ 
commendation  for  him  if  he'll  let  me  know  in  time  when 
my  allotted  span  of  life  on  this  earC^was  coming  to  an 
end . 


Not  too  long  after  our  arrival  in  New  York 
we  met  another  German  refugee  who  like  me  had  been  an 
actor  and  writer.  Our  paths  had  never  crossed  in  Germany. 
I  was  from  Hamburg  and  he  hailed  from  Berlin.  He  now  Jives 
not  too  far  from  us  in  Hollywood  and  all  over  the  years  we 
have  remained  the  best  of  friends. 


€ 


He  and  I  hatched  the  idea  of  assembling  a  group  of 
refugee  actors  and  singers,  write  a  show  or  something  of 

the  sort  and  produce  it  ourselves.  We  had  the  vain-glorious 

hope/ 
/■■M   that   we   could    go   on   the   road  with    it,    starting  with 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  577  - 


the  borscht  circuit  in  the  CatskiU  mountains.  Please, 
don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it!  That  is  -  we  produced 
the  show  at  one  place  in  the  CatskiU  mountains  and  there 
it  died. 

Being  the  only  one  of  the  group,  who  was  able  to 

write  the  show  in  English,  I  sat  down  and  did  it.  With 

the  exc^ion  of  Annie  and  myself  none  of  the  others 

in  the  group  we  ha^  assembled  spoke  any  passable  English 

yet.  Well  -  we  rehearsed  hard,  doubly  hard,  day  by  day 

we/ 
for  weeks  and  weeks  until  we  feltfTere   ready  to  go  on  the 

road.  Or  so  we  thought.  Where  the  heck  was  the  road?  We 
didn't  know  how  and  where  to  start.  My  friend  from  Berlin 
went  scouting  and  we  waited. 


Around  noon  one  day  I  got  a  call  from  the 

Jewish  Anti-Defamation  League.  The  main  speaker  at  one  of 

their  meetings  somewhere  on  Long  Island  had  suddenly  taken 

ill  and  they  had  been  unable  to  find  a  substitute  at  such 

short  notice.  I  happened  to  be  their  last  hope.  They  would 

feel  very  much  obliged  if  I  would  lecture  that  night  on 

any  subject  of  my  choosing  as  long  as  it  was  within  the 

province  of  anti-Jewish  defamation.  They  offered  to  pay 

me  the  princely  sum  of  fifty  dollars  plus  transportation. 

With  less  than  five  dollars  in  our  possession  that  was 

after/ 
a  windfall,  but|l  had  hung  up  my  heart  started  to  sink  to 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  578  - 


% 


^ 


^ 


the  bottom  of  my  trousers.  How  could  I  Icct^e  on  any 
subject  without  any  preparation?  What  subject  could  I 
choose?  My  brain  stopped  functioning  as  brains  sometimes 
will  in  times  of  mental  crisis.  Annie  tried  to  encourage 
me,  but  she  neither  could  tell  me  about  what  I  could  talk 
All  she  could  do  was  to  go  out  and  buy  me  a  white  shirt, 
which  I  didn't  own,  and  then  press  my  one  and  only  suit. 

I  went  to  bed  in  the  hope  that  while  lying  flat  on 
my  back  some  idea  would  pop  up.  It  didn't.  I  remembered 
that  several  years  prior  to  Hitler's  regime  the  German 
Democratic  Party  had  done  the  same  thing  to  me.  I  was 
asked  to  fill  in  for  another  speaker  and  talk  about  the 
perils  the  Nazis  posed  not  only  to  the  Jews  but  to  all 
decent  German  citizens.  Although  I  had  been  unprepared, 
I  had  spoken  for  close  to  two  hours  with  a  modicum  of 
success.  It  started  me  on  a  tour  of  lectures,  in  parti- 
cular before  Jewish  audiences,  but  I  made  very  few  con=» 
verts.  In  general,  I  wasn't  believed  that  Hitler  ever 
would  be  able  to  assume  power  in  a  country  which  so 
proudly  called  herself  the  land  of  poets  and  thinkers. 
I  fact,  I  gained  more  enemies  than  friends.  In  the  years 
between  1928  and  1933  very  few  people,  including  very 
few  Jews,  wanted  to  hear  the  truth  in  Germany. 

Well,  that  was  neither  here  nor  there.  Instead  of 
coming  up  with  a  subject  for  the  Long  Island  meeting,  I 


Please,    don't  worryl    Nothing  came  of    Itl 


-  579  - 


fell  asleep.  What  was  the  use  to  rake  my  brain  and  what 

was  the  use  to  scare  myself  about  how  I  ever  would  be 

able  to  deliver  an  hour  long  speech  in  English,  a  language 

still  not  entirely  my  own?  Annie  woke  me  up  in  time.  I  took 

a  bath,  shaved  and  pushed  my  heart  back  where  it  belonged. 

How  ever  good  or  bad  I  would  be,  they  still  had  to  hand 

over  the  fifty  dollars  (I  wished  I  had  the  guts  to  ask 
in  advance/ 
/for  the  money  ■■■I)  and  that  wasn't  hay  in  our  case. 

We  would  be  able  to  pay  two  weeks'  rent  and  eat  at  the 

same  time. 

And  so  Annie  and  I  set  out  for  Vong  Island.  When  the 

appointed  time  came  Annie  took  her  seat  in  the  audience 

of  several  hundred  people.  Some  one  introduced  me  with 

all  the  apologies  he  could  muster.  With  my  knees  feeling 

like  rubber  I  got  up,  walked  mechanically  to  the  lectern 

and  after  a  long  minute  of  nothing  started  to  speak. 

Annie  told  me  later  that  I  had  been  stuttering  for  the  first 

few  minutes  and  then  all  went  fine.  I  just  told  the  audience 

some  of  our  experiences  as  exiles  from  Nazi-Germany,  just 

what  came  into  my  mind  about  the  years  of  our  travels  and 

travails  as  people  without  a  country.  1  felt  that  I  was 

catching  the  attention  of  my  audience  and  that  my  English 

was  adequate  despite  my  accent.  I  received  a  pleasant 

applause,  answered  a  number  of  questions  and  the  re* 

prcsentative  of  the  An ti -Defamation  League  promised  to 


Please,  don't  worry  J  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  580  - 


% 


call  on  me  again  for  speeches  at  other  chapters  of  their 
organization.  Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 
However,  after  my  book  had  been  published  (the  royalties 
of  which  didn't  exceed  ■.much  more  than  six  hundred 
dollars)  the  Anti-Defamation  League  reprinted  certain 
chapters  of  it  in  a  pamphlet  under  the  title:  "The  In- 
different are  guilty.  A  challenge  to  Jewry."  It  was 
distributed  free  to  membeciof  the  League  all  over 


America,  but  I  didn't  get  paid  a  single  cent  for  it. 

we/ 
Even  poverty-stricken  as^were  I  had  not  lost  my  talent  of 

being  a  sucker. 

When  I  was  called  upon  to  deliver  another  speech 

about  "The  Odyssee  of  a  German  Refugee",  this  time  for 

the  members  of  "The  New  History  Society",  I  got  my  hopes 

up  that  I  had  been  launched  on  a  new  career  which  would 

last  long  enough  to  keep  us  in  bread  and  butter  until 

we  had  found  our  niche  in  our  new  country.  Please,  don*t 

worryl  Nothing  came  of  itl 


Meanwhile  -  as  I  did  say  before  -  our 


show  was  ready. 


We  had  worked  at  it  as 


if  our  lives  depended  on  its  success  or  failure.  We 
honestly  and  foolishly  believed  that  we  were  good  enough, 

and  that  we,  the  newly  arrived  immi- 


grants, thrown  together  by  happenstance,  could  entertain 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  581  - 


American  audiences  and  get  away  with  it.  We  wanted  to 
make  money  to  build  new  lives  for  ourselves  without  be- 
coming charity  wards.  We  were  pure  and  simple  optimists, 
but  we  were  brought  down  to  earth  fast  and  in  a  manner, 
none  of  us  could  have  expected.  We  yelled  with  joy  when 
one  of  our  group  managed  to  get  us  booked  in  a  Jewish 
hotel  of  the  so-called  borscht  circuit  in  the  Catskill 
Mountains . 

We  weren't  offered  any  pay  except  travel  expenses  plus 
room  and  board.  No  one,  who  hadn't  seen  and  survived  the 
amount  of  rich  food  that  is  being  offered  in  a  Jewish 
resort  place,  can  imagine  how  we,  who  had  lived  on  a 
near  starvation  diet,  felt.  It  seemed  to  be  impossibler- 
flHHBHBl  that  none  of  us  got  sick  from  the  feasting 
ro  which  we  were  exposed.  We  were  hungry  and  stuffed  our=» 
selves  like  pigs  -  chicken  soup  with  matzo  balls  and  the 
fat  swimming  on  the  surface,  chopped  liver,  thick  sour- 
cream,  served  in  large  containers,  meat,  poultry,  fish, 
gefillt  and  otherwise,  de^rts  from  strudel  with  whipped 
cream  to  butter  cakes.  Today,  when  I'm  allergic  to  almost 
all  food,  I  shudder  when  I  think  of  it. 

The  recreation  hall  was  filled  to  the  last  folding 
chair  on  the  first  evening, BBM  t/e  couldn't  imagine  that 
we  would  be  anything  but  successful.  Each  one  of  us  in  his 
or  her  ovm  right  had  been  a  seasoned  trooper  in  Germany 


Please,  don't  worryl  Mothing  came  of  itI 


-  582  - 


% 


and  so  it  didn't  occur  to  us  that  we  could  flop.  Most  of 


the  people  in  the  audience  were  oldi 


at  least  sixty 


and  many  of  them  over  seventy.  They,  too,  had  once  come  to 

America  as  poor  refugees.  We  and  they  had  a  common  bond  or 

so  we  believed.  Just  the  opposite  was  the  case.  Being  Jews 

from  Eastern  Europe,  thfiy  had  little  liking  for  us  "arro» 

German  Jews/ 
gant"  German  Jews  and  rightly  so  bee aus e/j/ffff   had  always 

looked  down  upon  them  in  Europe 

They  had  fled  from  the  old  country  during  the  great 
exodus  at  the  turn  of  the  century.  My  father  had  financially 
aided  many  of  them  when  they  had  come  to  Hamburg  for  their 
steerage  trip  to  America.  These  wonderful  Jewish  people 
and  their  ancestors  from  Eastern  Europe,  from  Poland, 
Russia,  Lithuania,  Galicia,  unlike  most  of  the  German 
Jews^ had  been  the  ones  who  had  kept  Judaism  alive  under 
the  most  trying  conditions  of  persecution  during  the 
diaspora.  They  never  had  abandoned  the  old  Jewish  tra» 
ditions,  the  Jewish  way  of  life,  the  Jewish  stamina  of 
survival  amongst  the  anti-Semites  who  for  many  centuries 
had  persisted  (and  still  do  in  Russia  and  Poland)  in  their 
hatred  and  pogroms  to  destroy  all  Jews. 

These  immigrant  Jews  had  not  assimilated  in  America 
to  the  point  where  they  ever  forgot  that  they  were  Jews. 
They  loved  America,  for  it  was  the  country  where  they  could 
bring  up  their  children  to  be  free  and  educated  citizens. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  583  - 


For  centuries  and  centuries  they  had  existed  in  a  pressure 

cooker  and  yet  had  survived.  The  Jews  are  the  salt  of  the 

would/ 
earth  and  without  that  salt  mankind /■■I  have  undermined 

its  right  to  exist.  We  have  seen  it  in  Spain  in  the  fif- 

teenth  century  when  the  Jews  were  burned  at  the  stake  or 

in  1492  driven  ou^ of  the  country.  The  great  Spain, whose 

kings  had  boasted  that  the  sun  never  sets  in  their  world 

empire,  detoriated  and  lost  her  supremacy  as  a  result  of 

making  their  country  "judenfrei"  -  free  of  Jews.  The 

present-day  Russia  and  Poland  as  well  as  the  Arab  countries, 

unless  they  mend  their  ways,  will  learn  the  same  lesson 

Nazi-Germany/ 
Spain   and^flHBI  ■■■■I  had   been   taught. 

To  be  Jewish  means  to  be  human.  Human  in  the  sense  of 


love  for  humanity,  for  peace  and  by  no  choice  of  their 


own 


for  self-preservation.  Love  and  peace  -  that  is  the  essence 
of  the  Jewish  way  of  life,  but  if  Jews  are  compelled  to 
fight  for  their  very  existence  they  will  do  so,  although 
without  joy  and  without  boasting  of  a  holy  war.  War  is  un=» 
holy  to  them  as  it  should  be  to  anyone.  However,  no  one 
should  ever  make  the  mistake  that  race  prejudice  is  any=» 
thing  but  a  cancer  on  the  body  of  mankind.  It  has  to  be 
torn  out  if  mankind  wants  to  survive  and  that  is  why  the 
Jewish  people  -  contrary  to  an  often  expressed  belief  of 
non-Jews  -  cannot  possibly  love  Communism,  for  no  other 
country  is  officially  as  anti-Semitic  as  Communist  Russia. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  itl 


-  584  - 


% 


A  Jew,    who   embraces    Communism    (a  brother- in-blood   of 
Fascism)    is    not    a  Jew   anymore.    He    is   as    sick   as    any 
American  who  hoists    the   Vietcong   flag.    The   minority    of 
militant   American  Negroes (   brain-washed   by   Communist    agi* 
tators)    who  will    accept    anti-Semitism   as    their  credo  will 
suffer   defeat   as    all    anti-Semites   have    suffered. 


# 


# 


And  so  we  performed  before  this  Jewish 

audience  and  flopped  as  no  other  show  could  ever  have 

flopped.  The  musical  numbers  received  scant  applause,  but 

comedy/  black-outs/  dialogue/ 

our/jmi  scenes  and/i^BIHMi ,  our  jokes  and/l^HMHHI  were 

met  with  stoic  rejection.  Not  a  single  laugh,  not  one  of 

our  funny  lines  went  over.  We  started  to  ham  it  up  until 

we  were  red  in  our  faces.  No  re-action.  Nothing.  At  the 

end  we  were  dismissed  in  silence  and  we  slunk  off  the 

stage  like  puppets  whose  strings  had  gone  slack.  We 

couldn't  understand  what  had  happened  to  us. 

The  following  morning,  MHBSi  walking  along  the 
and/ 

porch/  still  depressed  about  our  failure,  an  elderly  man^ 
sitting  in  a  wicker  chair,  stopped  me.  He  looked  at  me  for 
a  moment  and  then  asked  in  Yiddish  from  where  we  performers 
came  from,  I  told  him  that  we  were  all  refugees  from  Nazi- 
Germany.  He  sadly  shook  his  head  and  then  said  again  in 
Yiddish  why  we  didn't  perform  in  German  instead  of  English. 
If  we  were  so  stupid  as  not  to  know  Yiddish,  we  should  at 
least  have  known  that  a  Yiddish  audience  would  understand 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  585  - 


German.  After  all,  the  Yiddish  language  had  originated 

the/ 
in/Germany  of  the  Middle  Ages  and  then  later,  when  the 


Jews  had  again  to  wander  to  the  East, had  been  interspersed 
with  Russian  and  Polish  expressions.  These  older  immigrants 
never  had  the  time  to  learn  more  than  a  smattering  of 
English.  They  had  settled  in  Jewish  neighborhoods  and 
had  worked  in  Jewish  shops.  Among  themselves  they  had 
continued  spaking  Yiddish  and  for  entertainment  they  went 
to  Yiddish  theatres. 

The  second  evening  we  improvised  our  show  in  German 
and  had  a  modicum  of  success.  They  laughed  here  and  there 
and  applauded  at  the  end  to  show  their  appreciation .To 
these  good  people  Jews  were  only  Jews  if  they  spoke  Yiddish. 
We  German  Jews  had  been  assimilated  too  much  and  so  in  this 
case  rightly  paid  for  it. 

We  stayed  for  the  three  nights  for  which  we  had  been 
engaged  and  then  went  back  to  New  York,  not  richer,  but  a 
little  wiser.  There  we  disbanded.  We  had  learned  our  lesson 


For  the  fifteen  months  Annie  and  I  stayed 
in  New  York  we  constantly  lived  on  the  edge  of  starvation 
and  depression.  We  remained  bewildered,  lonely,  unhappy  to 
the  last  day.  We  had  wanted  so  much  to  like  New  York  and 
didn't  find  a  way  to  do  so.  We  never  could  have  said  "1  am 
a  New  Yorker"  as  many  years  later  President  Kennedy  pro- 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-    586    - 


claimed   in   West-Berlin    :    "Ich  bin   ein   Berliner",    which. 


% 


t 


of  course,    was   i§  political 


hypocrisy. 


We  met  a  few  famous  personalities^  but  none  of  them 
despite  their  goo4^  intentions  ever  realized  how  much  lost 
and  broke  we  were.  They  tried  to  aid  us,  but  we  had  so 
little  to  show.  None  of  them  got  truly  interested  in  us 
with  the  exception  perhaps  of  Hendri,fe  willem  van  Loon, 
but  he  was  so  busy  that  he  hadn't  the  time  to  take  us 
under  his  wings.  Edna/Ferber ' s  and  George  S.  Kaufman's 
attempts  to  do  something  for  us  just  fizzled  out  like 
Alka  Seltzer  in  water  that  isn't  consumed.  It  was  too 
early  for  the  people  in  New  York  to  realize  fully  the  total 
brutality  of  the  Nazis.  The  slaughter  of  the  European  Jews 
wasn't  in  full  swing  yet. 

1  still  have  a  letter  which  Edna  Ferber  wrote  to 
Richard  Simon  of  the  still  renown/publishing  house  of 
Simon  &  Schuster.  She  wrote: 


Mr.  Richard  Simon, 
Simon  &  Schuster, 
366  Fourth  Avenue, 


New  York. 


Dear  Richard  Simon: 


Perhaps  you  have  read  a  lot  of  letters  like  this 
one,  but  give  it  reading  time  just  the  same,  won't 
you  please? 


Please,  don't  worry.'  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  587  - 


Max  Berges.  who  presents  this  letter,  Is  a  German 
refugee  who  like  many  others  is  trying  desperately 
to  get  a  foothold  in  this  country.  His  novel  Is  to 
be  published  in  September,  but  in  the  meantime  he 
is  having  a  most  difficult  time,  trying  to  get  on. 
If  you  have  any  research  work  or  work  for  a  reader 
or  a  translator,  or  any  other  office  work  where  a 
reliable,  efficient  and  honest  man  can  earn,  at 
least  temporarily,  something  on  which  to  live, 
win  you  consider  Mr.  Berges.  In  Germany  he  was 
an  actor,  writer  and  stage  director.  He  is  willing 
to  do  anything  at  all.  I  should  be  grateful  if 
you  would  talk  to  him,  however  briefly. 

Sincerely, 


Edna  Ferber. 


II 


I  am  afraid,  I  did  not  present  myself  at  my  best.  I 
still  had  only  that  one  suit  which  I  had  exchanged  in  Manila 
for  six  tropical  ones  and  which  didn't  fit  me  too  well.  Be> 
sides  it  Showed  its  wear.  I  remember  that  I  was  very  hungry 
that  morning,  having  had  nothing  to  eat  for  twenty-four 
hours.  Moreover,  I  didn't  even  have  the  nickel  for  the 
subway  fare  and  had  walked  I  don't  know  how  many  blocks 
to  reach  the  off^es  of  Simon  6.  Schuster.  I  was  a  good 
talker  (as  long  as  I  didn't  have  to  talk  about  myself). 
I  could  show  some  sort  of  intelligence,  even  wit,  but  I 


% 


# 


/" 


OOX  20?.   STtrNLV    or  POT 

STrrNlV.  tAfcTON 

CONNLCTICUT 


July   13,    1939 

Mr.    Ki'j'i'^ird   vSinoti, 
vSimo.'i  U  Sc  ivi 3  t»ir, 
360  !"oart'-i  Aveiiuo, 

Dear  Ilicivird  Simon: 

?erh:ip::  you  have 
read   a   lot    o:"'   letters    like   thin   one, 
but   ^ive    it   rcadiiv;    tino    Just   tiv-    sa:.ie, 
•.voTi'  z   you   plcane?      Max   3c^r^^es,    v. ho 
prcseiitr;    t.iis   It-ttei',    is   a  Gcrnan 
rerUi;eo   who   lik»^   nri^ny   others    is    trying 
desperately   to  ^et   a   foothold    in  this 
country.      Mis    novel   is    to   bo   publi3:;ed 
in  September,    but    in   the  meantime   he 
is   having   a   most   difficult    time,    trying 
to  get   or..      If  you   iiave   any  research 
•.vork  or   v.ork   for   a   reader    or   a   trans- 
lator,   or   any  other   office  work  where 
a   reliable-,    efficient   and    honest  man 
can   earn,    at   It^ast   tvniporarily,    sone- 
thiri^   on  v/hich  to   live,    v/ill  you 
consider  -Ir.    Bcr^es. 


In  Gernany   he  was   an 
actor,    writer  and   st.'..o'3  director.      He 
is  v/illin^    to  do   cAvythir^   at  all.      I 
should   be-  o^ateful   if   you   v/ould    talk   to 
hi n ,    how e v e r ,    briefly. 


Sincerely, 


E? :  V 


r 


^ 


A. 


Please,    don't  worry  I    Nothing   came   of    ttl 


-  589  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  588  - 


was  too  exhausted  to  say  much  when  I  was  allowed  to  see 

Simon/ 
Mr./jHJMHB  in  his  private  office.  Well,  Mr.  Simon,  not 

desperately  cxhaust(^d,  / 
knowing  of  my  empty  stomach  and  my  being/ SHI  Mi  M|B 
talked  to  me/  ' 

/very  kindly  and  "however  briefly",  as  Miss  Ferber^  had 

suggested.  I  certainly  could  not  have  made  any  impression 

at  all  on  him  in  the  state  I  was  in.  He  was  friendly  wLth=* 

out  committing  himself,  and  I  am  sure  forgot  about  me 

the  very  moment  I  closed  the  door  behind  me  after  leaving 

his  office.  What  else  could  I  have  expected?  I  could  have 

talked  to  him  about  many  things,  about  my  experiences,  my 

abilities  and  past  performances,  about  our  travels  and 

travails,  but  I  didn't  have  the  strength  to  say  much  at 

all.  To  him  I  must  have  appeared  as  a  shlemihl.  Perhaps 

he  might  have  been  a  little  more  impressed  if  I  had  shown 

him  one  of  the  letters  Professor  Einstein  had  written  to 

me.  But  I  was  stupid  and  never  even  mentioned  them.  No 

one  fights  well  on  an  empty  stomach.  The  walk  back  home 

was  an  ordeal.  Mr.  Simon  had  given  me  a  promise  to  think 

about  me  in  case  anything  came  up.  Who  could  eat  on  pro=» 

mises?  I  couldn't  look  any  one  into  his  eyes.  I  felt  beaten. 

Annie  had  had  great  hopes  that  a  letter  by  Edna  Ferber  would 

open  any  door  for  me.  It  had  opened  a  dbor  for  me  all  right, 

but  after  that  I  blew  it  myself.  \^at  was  I  going  to  tell 

Annie?  Neither  Edna  Ferber  nor  Richard  Simon  had  failed  me. 

I  had  failed  myself.  However,  this  elucidation  is  just  hind" 


% 


This  was  one  of  the  few  times  in  my  life  that  I 
despaired  of  God.  Wliile  I  was  trudging  home  -  or  what 
we  had  to  consider  home  then  -  I  forgot  that  God  was 
always  present,  that  He  never  closed  a  door  without  open- 
ing another  one.  I  forgot  that  all  one  needed  in  life  was 
faith.  I  felt  as  if  the  world  had  come  to  an  end  when  even 
a  recommendation  by  Edna  Ferber  did  not  do  any  good.  I  be- 
lieved that  nobody  just  could  non-committedly  dismiss  me 
when  I  came  armed  with  a  letter  by  Edna  Ferber  who  was 
then  riding  high  on  her  fame  and  who  was  knownfor  her 
warm-heartedness.  I  had  already  seen  myself  employed  by 

U£/ 

Simon  6c  Schuster  and  working  myself/to  better  and  better 

Simon/ 

positions  there,  tf had  not  occurred  to  me  that  Mr./i 

couldn't  but  have  seen  in  me  anything  but  a  misfit  and 

that  Edna  Ferber' s  heart  had  been  bigger  than  her  common 

conquer/ 
sense.  One  cannoty/fiSBBRf  one  acts  in  a  dispirited 


manner. 


It  is  impossible  to  sustain  any  depression  or  remain 
discouraged  with  Annie  around.  She  must  have  seen  my  sad- 
sack  face  when  I  came  home  and  that  was  one  more  reason 
for  her  to  greet  me  with  what  -  as  you  should  know  by  now 
I  always  call  her  million  dollar  smile.  To  me  that  smile 
is  so  beautiful  that  it  defies  description.  It  combines 
a  happy  nature,  love,  faith  and  an  inveterate  optimism. 
As  far  as  she  is  concerned  life  is  beautiful  as  long  as 


sight. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it!         -  590  - 

we/ 
/two  are  together.  She  never  had  the  capacity  to  accept 

or  even  admit  failure.  Success  was  always  around  the 
corner  if  one  only  had  the  patience  to  wait  for  it. 

Seeing  me,  she  didn't  even  give  me  the  chance  to  re- 
port to  her  what  had  happened  at  Simon  &  Schuster.  She  had 
good  news  and  they  came  first.  There  had  been  a  check  for 
twenty- five  dollars  in  the  mail  as  payment  for  a  short 
story  a  magazine  had  bought.  And  that  wasn't  all.  A  lady 
had  called  from  Staten  Island,  inviting  us  for  dinner  the 
follbwing  evening.  She  had  told  Annie  that  ray  sister  in 
Stockholm  had  written  to  her  about  us.  They  had  known  each 

other  in  Hamburg.  As  it  turned  out  this  elderly  woman  be« 

ji.  good-fairy  mother./ 

came  in  a  manner  of  spaking  our/lHlMHli  She  herself,  al=« 

though  born  and  raised  in  Arizona,  was  a  refugee  from 

« 
Germany.  She  had  marr-6ed  a  German- Jewish  physician  and  moved 

with  him  to  Hamburg  where  he  resided.  Her  husband  had 
died  shortly  before  Hitler  came  to  power.  Being  a  native- 
bom  American  she  had  had  no  trouble  to  return  to  the  land 
of  her  birth.  She  wasn't  rich  or  anything  close  to  it,  but 
somehow  she  had  a  steady  income  which  allowed  her  to  live 


comfortably.  She  was  10  old-fashioned, 

women/ 
dressed  as/S 


who  still 
did  at  the  turn  of  the  century,  but  she 


also  had  an  old-fashioned,  good  heart.  We  went  visiting  her 
many  times  and  she  instinctively  knew  when  we  were  in  fin- 
ancial trouble  (which  was  most  of  the  time)  and  often 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  591  - 


% 


# 


slipped  us  a  ten  or  five  dollar  bill  without  expecting 

anything  in  return.  She  would  have  fejt  deeply  offended 

if  we  had  not  accepted  her  gifts.  She  has  gone  to  heaven 

now  and  may  God  bless  her  soul.  It  seemed  as  if  things 

left/ 
were  going  to  happen  if  I  only/SSiB  Annie  alone  for  a 

few  hours.  A  cousin  of  mine,  whom  we  had  not  seen  in 

fifteen  years,  had  also  called  that  same  morning.  He 

from  Hollywood/ 
had  come  to  New  York/a  few  days  ago  for  a  short  business 

visit.  From  a  mutual  acquaintance  he  had  heard  that  we 

were  in  town. 

Annie  told  me  that  anyone  could  have  pushed  her  over 

had/ 
with  a  feather  when  she/heard  his  voice  over  the  telephone 

used/ 
Every  once  so  often  years  and  years  ago  my  mother/to 

invite  him  for  his  favorite  dish  "Kohlrouladen"  -  boiled 

cabbage  leaves  filled  with  ground  meat,  chopped  onions  and 

whatever  else  went  with  it.  He  had  asked  Annie  if  she 

could  cook  them  for  him.  Annie  told  him  that  she  could. 


# 


but  that  we  had  neither  the  kitchen  facilities  nor  the 

him  to  do  so/ 
money  for  any  fancy  dishes.  But  she  promised/Mim  HiBi 

in  better  days.  I>2 later  years  he  once  in/  a  while  wrote 

to  us,  reminding  Annie  of  her  promise  whenever  he  would 

come  to  Los  Angeles  to  visit  with  his  mother  and  sister, 

both  of  whom  could  have  cooked  Kohlrouladen  for  him  as  well, 

but  Annie  had  learned  the  recipe  from  my  mother.  Please, 

don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  itI 

He  invited  us  for  lunch  at  a  Schraft  restaurant  in 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of   Itl 


-   592    - 


our  neighborhood.   We   didn't   know    it   then,    but   he  was    the 
door  God  opened    for  us. 

I    never  got   around    to   telling  Annie   how  much    I   had 

Simon/ 
despaired  of  God    after   the  polite   brush-off  by  Hr,/mSSmmM. 

It   has   been   said    too   often,    that    I   almost  hesitate    to   repeat 

it   here,    but   it    is   so   true   that   I   can't   omit    it.    God  has 

wondrous  ways    in    shaping   our    lives.    Some    insignificant    and 

mostly  /Unforeseen  even/soften    influences    the   history   of    the 

entire   world   as   well    as    the   individual    life   of  each  one   of 


us . 


When  we   met   with   this    long    lost   cousin   of  mine,    I    felt 
bitter,    really  bitter  about  New  York.    I   actually  couldn't 
think  straight   anymore.    Whatever   I   had    tried   had   gone   awry. 
As    an  old  Swedish  p/^^verb    says:    A  hungry  man   is   an   angry 
man.    And   I  was   hungry    too   often   and   angry   all    the    time 
at    how  New  York   was    treating  us    through   all    the  months 
we   were    living   there.    I   only   saw   the   slums,    the   ghettos 
and   all    the    ugliness    of   life    in  New  York. 

I    remembered   another   failure.    My    friend  Harry,    the 
same  with  whom  we   had    cooked   up    the   show   for   the   borscht 
circuit    in   the  Catskill  Mountains,    had   another  great    idea. 
We   had    tried    to   promote   a   concert   with    a  very    talented   Jewish 
singer   in  a   hall    on  Second  Avenue,    the   heart   of   the   Jewish 
ghetto.    We  had  managed   to   borrow   some  money  with  which  we 
could  hire  n   hall    for   one   evening,    have    t<^kets   and  handbills 


Please,    don't  worry  1    Nothing  came   of    itl 


-    593    - 


# 


m 


printed  as  well  as  put  a  few  ads  in  l^cal  Jewish  papers. 
There  wasn't  a  Jew  on  Second  Avenue  and  the  entire  neigh- 
borhood who  hadn't  heard  of  this  singer.  To  them  he  was  an 
artist  of  great  merit,  an  adonis  with  a  tenor  voice  which 
could  bring  tears  to  all  Jewish  eyes  when  he  sang  the  songs 
of  our  people. We  had  set  the  prices  at  one  and  two  dollars 
a  seat  and  looked  forward  to  a  full  house  and  a  nice  pro= 
fit.  In  fact,  Harry  and  I  saw  each  other  already  as  new, 
budding  enterpreneurs ,  raking  in  the  dough  like  leaves 
falling  from  the  trees  in  fall.  If  I  remember  right  there 
were  no  trees  on  Second  Avenue  and  there  abouts.  So  -  Please, 
don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  itl 

Annie  took  the  box  office,  that  is  she  was  sitting 
in  the  drafty  entrance  hall  on  a  woo(4fpn  chair  behind  a 
wooden  table  with  a  used  cigarbox  on  it.  Harry  took  care 
of  the  arrangements  behind  stage,  and  I  was  the  general 
overseer,  keeping  close  to  Annie  and  the  money  we  expected. 
The  people  came  all  right,  quite  a  number  of  them,  but  no- 
body had  told  us  that  on  Second  Avenue  we  should  have  asked 
twice  the  price  for  the  tickets  in  order  to  get  what  we 
wanted.  This  kind  of  audience  had  neither  sold  nor  bought 
anything  without  a  hard  bargaining  and  so  they  did  for  the 
tickets.  They  had  enough  money  to  pay  the  one  or  two  dollars, 
but  they  simply  couldn't  believe  that  we  meant  it.  They 
tried  to  haggle  the  price  down  and  I  remained  adamant.  In 


Please, don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  594  - 


all  my  life  in  the  entertainment  field  I  never  had  heard 
of  bargaining  for  theatre  tickets.  So  it  was  no  go  as  far 
as  I  was  concerned  and  as  a  result  we  had  only  one  third 
of  the  hall  filled.  Most  of  these  people  would  have  felt 
suckers  if  they  had  bought  the  tickets  at  regular  prices. 
When  Harry  and  I  bargained  with  the  singer  to  take  a  lesser 
fee,  we  didn't  succeed  either.  We  were  lucky  to  break  even 
and  get  out  from  under  it  without  any  debts.  I  had  been 
stupid  as  1  always  was  when  it  came  to  business. If  you 
want  to  take  a  little,  you*ve  to  give  a  little. 

On  another  occasion  Harry  and  I  got  hold  of  a  good 
musical  play  ^^nuscript  and  decided  to  go  into  JBH  pro=* 
ducing  fli  stage  plays.  That,  we  thought,  was  our  kind  of 
cake.  Boy,  oh  boy  what  it  takes  to  learn  a  lesson.  It 
was  a  good  manuscript   and  we  saw  ourselves  already  as 
successful  producers.  Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came 
of  it! 


We  found  a  few  backers  or  angels  as  they  are  called. 
We  managed  to  get  hold  of  a  theater,  the  owner  of  which 
was  willing  to  lease  us  the  house  for  forty  percent  of  the 
gross  profit,  or  the  box  office  take.  We  should  have  stopped 
right  then  and  there.  Forty  percent  would  slice  any  profit 
to  less  than  nothing  unless  we  had  a  full  house  each  night. 
The  trouble  was,  we  had  nobody  to  advise  us.  It  was  a  one - 
set  play  and  once  the  rented  set  had  been  installed  on  stage 


all  we  needed  was  one  man  M  to  raise  and  lower  the  curtain 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  595  - 


plus  one  electrician.  Moreover,  we  could  present  the  play 
with  only  two  grand  pianos,  that  is  we  needed  only  two 
musicians.  However »  we  had  forgotten  about  the  unions. 
This  particular  theatre  was  in  the  union  books  for  no  less 
than  eight  stage  hands,  throe  electricians,  one  prop  man 
and  at  least  twelve  musicians.  That  constitutedthe  kind  of 
overhead  which  wou^  have  bankrupted  us  before  starting  the 
first  rehearsal.  We  pleaded  with  the  unions  to  be  reasonable. 
If  they  insisted  on  their  demands,  nobody  would  make  any 
money.  It  was  of  no  use.  They  didn't  budge.  We  talked  to 
block  heads  and  so  we  had  to  give  up  in  dismay. 

I'm  not  anti-union,  but  I'm  afraid  the  unions  are  grow* 
ing  so  short-sighted  that  it  goes  beyond  human  understanding. 
They're  pricing  American  merchandise  out  of  the  world  market. 
Their  demands  are  often  so  unbelievable  that  one  wonders  if 
they  don't  harbor  a  death  v<;ish.  Each  new  increase  in  wages 
and  added  fringe  benefits  either  give  managements  an  excuse 
for  hiking  up  prices  or  force  them   to  do  so  and  no  one  de« 
rives  any  benefit.  It  is  a  vicious  circle.  I  have  known  the 
horror  of  run-away  inflation  after  World  War  I,  but  unless 
we  all  come  to  our  senses  or  the  President  invokes  price. 


• 


wage  and  rent  control  this  great  country  of  ours  will 
economically  go  down  the  ^ain.  Illation  always  leads  to 
mass  unemployment .Why  are  we  Americans  our  own  worst  enemies? 


All  right,  we  met  with  my  cousin  at  Schraffts. 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  596  - 


He  appeared  to  be  affluent  and  very  much  confident  of 
himself.  He  didn't  tell  us  what  kind  of  business  he  had 
in  New  York,  but  he  acted  as  if  it  was  of  great  importance 
to  him.  And  it  might  well  have  been.  He  welcomed  us  with 
warmth  and  kept  his  promise  to  pay  for  the  lunch.  It  was 
a  happy  occasion,  for  he  was  the  first  member  of  our 
family  we  met  after  we  had  fled  from  Nazi-Germany.  We 

were  all  set  to  tell  him  about  our  misery  in  New  York, 

not/ 
but  he  was  smart  enough/fBi  to  let  us  do  it.  Instead  he 

talked  about  Hollywood,  about  the  wonderful  life  in 

Southern  California.  His  mother  and  sister  had  just  come 

out  there  from  Nazi-Germany.  In  short,  we  couldn't  get 

much  of  a  word  in  edgewise.  He  looked  forward  to  return 

to  Holl>'^^ood  in  six  weeks.  Without  knowing  it  he  persu=» 

aded  us  to  go  also  to  Holl>a^ood.  We  hadn't  been  in  para= 

his/ 
dise  before.  He  invited  us  to  come  with  him  in/ big  touring 

car.  That  was  all  right  with  us.  We  had  nothing  to  lose 

in  New  York. 

That  was  that.  We  came  home  all  fired  up.  We  were  to 
follow  Horace  Greeley's  acijjyice:  "Go  West,  Young  Man".  Good- 
bye New  York.  California,  here  we  come.  Please,  don't  worry  I 
Nothing  came  of  it.'  That  is  -  we  didn't  drive  with  my  cousin, 
his  lovely  wife  and  beautiful  shepherd  dog  in  a  big  touring 
car  to  Hollywood^  We  got  there  the  poor  man's  way  -  by  bus. 

Our  friend  Harry  also  had  a  cousin  in  Hollywood.  He 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  ttl         -  597  - 

$0/ 
invited  him  to  come  out  and/he  left  by  bus  two  weeks  be- 
fore wc  did.  We  saw  him  off  with  the  understanding  that 

would/ 
we  soon/meet  again. 

The  six  weeks  went  by  and  my  cousin  still  had  not 
finished  his  business.  We  were  in  trouble  and  couldn't 
watt  any  longer.  W^e  had  given  notice  to  our  landlady 
and  she  had  rented  the  room  again  to  another  sucker.  In 
shor^  ,  we  had  burned  our  bridges  in  New  York  and  there 

was  no  indication  when  -  if  ever  -  my  cousin  would  be 

on/ 
going  back  to  his  beloved  Hollywood.  So  wc  left/jf  our^»- 
own/ 
/■■■■I  by  bus  to  see  America.  At  last  that  part  of  our 

dream  came  also  true.  We  saw  America  all  across  from  the 

Atlantic  to  the  Pacific.  We  traveled  over  mountain  ranges, 

through  small  and  big  cities,  along  the  great  lakes,  through 

prairies  and  deserts.  Once  more  we  were  on  the  go  and 

with  each  mile  that  took  us  father  away  from  New  York 

we  felt  happier.  This  was  the  country  we  had  been  looking 

forward  to. 

For  over  a  week  we  were  riding  the  bus  and  for  over  a 

week  Timothy  kept  complaining,  reminding  me  of  my  promise 

that  once  we  had  reached  the  United  States  we  would  stay 

put  and  settle!  down  for  good.  As  far  as  he  was  concerned^ 

he  was  sick  and  tired  of  traveling,  but  there  we  did  it 

again.  Whenever  would  it  end?  How  was  he  to  know  that 

Los  Angeles  would  be  the  end  of  the  long  road?  He  was  not 


*n4**  *k«*-i  >y»»; 


Please,  don't  worry  1  Nothing  came  of  It! 


-  598  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  Itl 


-  599  - 


80  wrong. We  still  were  footloose.  There  had  been  nothing 
or  nobody  keeping  us  back  in  New  Tork.  It  could  be  the 
same  in  Los  Angeles.  Yet,  wherever  we  went,  it  couldn't  be 
worse  than  New  York.  Timothy  had  little  trust  in  us.  There 
still  was  Mexico  or  Canada  or  Alaska  and  Hawaii  or  any 
country  in  Central  and  South  America,  not  to  speak  of 
Australia  and  New  Zealand,  weren't  there?  I  assured  him 
that  for  us  there  were  only  ^ese  United  States  of  America. 
And  so  it  was.  Los  Angeles  was  the  end  of  the  road.  We 
had  done  our  traveling  as  two  people  without  a  country. 
We  never  did  return  to  New  York,  not  even  for  a  visit,  or 
did  long  to  do  so.  Finally  we  are  settled,  absolutely  settled 
in  the  San  Fernando  Valley.  Here  we  intend  to  stay  until 
our  last  day.  We  have  had  many  more  hard  years  in  Los 
Angeles,  but  none  comparable  with  those  in  New  York.  We 
wen^hrough  much  more  hardship  and  yet  have  found  our 
happiness,  we  had  pursued  for  so  long.  For  whatever  reason 
we  don't  know,  but  our  cousin  remained  in  New  York  and  did 
not  return  to  Hollywood  but  for  one  week's  visit  to  see 
his  mothers  and  sister.  After  the  war  he  traveled  back 
and  forth  between  New  York  and  West-Germany  until  at  last 
he  lived  more  in  Gexnnany  than  in  New  York.  Not  so  long 
ago  he  passed  away  in  Munich.  May  God  bless  his  soul.  Who 
knows  whether  or  not  we  ever  would  have  made  the  move 
to  California  if  it  hadn't  been  for  him.  Without  meeting 
him  our  pursuit  of  happiness  might  not  have  come  to  a  fruit- 


messenger  from  God  although  he  himself  was  never  aware 
of  it. 


Time  is  now  forever  getting  shorter.  Almost 
nothing  is  more  frightening  in  my  opinion  than  hearing  some* 
one  say:  1  do  this  Cr   that  to  kill  time.  Or:  When  1  do  this 
or  that/ time  passes  so  much  faster.  Why  in  the  world  do 
we  want  to  kill  time  or  try  to  make  it  go  faster?  Whatever 
we  lose^  we  can  either  replace  or  forget  as  not  being  im» 
portant.  But  lost  time  is  irretrievable.  It  passes  too  fast 
anyhow.  The  slower  we  believe  time  goes  on,  the  happier 
we  should  be.  We  ought  to  treat  each  single  minute  as  if 
it  were  the  most  precious,  God-given  possession.  Time 
should  be  enjoyed  with  leisure.  We  shouldn't  pride  our* 
selves  to  have  conquered  time  so  to  speak  or  don't  pay 
any  attention  to  it  until  it  is  too  late.  The  span  of 
our  life  -  even  if  we  get  to  be  a  hundred  -  is  no  more 
than  a  second  in  eternity. 

The  world  has  become  much  too  small  while  the  jet  age 
changes  to  the  space  age.  We  can't  anymore  turn  back  as  we 
can't  turn  back  the  clock.  We're  committed  to  speed  and 
more  speed.  Vv^iatever,  though,  has  happened  to  the  vi^BHD 
pursuit  of  happiness?  We  use  drugs  to  find  it,  but  temporary 
euphoria  is  no  substitute  for  true,  lasting  happiness.  We 
talk  about  the  soul  as  if  it  were  something  tangible.  Soul- 


ful conclusion.  We  cannot  but  remember  him  other  than  a 


Please,   don't  worry!   Nothing  came  of   Lt". 


-  600  - 


children,  soul-songs,  soul-food.  Baloney!  Humbug!  The  soul 
Is  the  spiritual,  immortal  part  in  man  and  cannot  be  con- 
jured up  to  surface  by  drugs,  food  or  songs.  Happiness  can 
only  be  gained  from  deep  inside  of  us  through  the  resources 

of  a  growing  maturity. 

God  help  us  if  we  ever  forget  that  America,  our 
America,  gives  everybody  and  everyone  the  chance  to  catch 
up  with  happiness  if  he  or  she  honestly  pursues  it.  The 
opportunities  which  are  offered  to  us  under  our  Consti- 
tution and  Bill  of  Rights  are  limitless,  and  yet  make  no 
mistake,  if  we  don't  watch  out,  if  we  don't  stand  firm  in 
defending  our  precious  freedom  under  the  Constitution 
we  here  in  these  United  States  of  America  can  fall  victim 
to  dictatorship  of  the  extreme  right  or  left.  Our  gullible 
young  rebels,  black,  white  or  brown,  apparently  don't 
know  or  do  not  want  to  know  that  they  are  being  manipulated 
by  agents  provocateurs  as  the  German  didn't  know  or  re= 
fused  to  know  during  the  years  prior  to  the  Third  Reich 
that  a  group  of  gangsters  were  taking  over.  These  young 
anarchists  today  don't  pursure  happiness,  they  pursue  un= 
happiness  and  we  better  wake  up  before  civilization  has 
been  turned  around  to  non-civilization.  It  matters  not  if 
an  extremist  i/i  a  Fascist  or  a  Communist,  a  right-  or  left- 
winger,  for  they  arc/*rmed  in  the  same  mold.  They  all  aim 
to  destroy  democracy  and  free  speech  and  free  press.  The 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  601  - 


result  can  only  be  totalitarianism.  These  anarchists  to 
the  right  and  left  deny  free  speech  to  anyone  but  them=» 
selves.  It  cannot  be  done.  No  people  can  exist  without 
dialogue  unless  one  wishws  death  to  free  though^and  slavery 
for  the  masses  as  we  have  it  in  Imperialistic  Cominunist 
and  Fascist  countries.  No  movement  ever  has  been  more 
bloody,  more  murderous,  more  cowardly  that  professional 
pacifism.  Once  we  allow  the  extremists  and  the  professional 
pacifists  to  destroy  democracies  like  the  ones  in  the 
United  States  and  Israel,  all  hope  for  a  free  mankind 
will  be  buried  for  a  long  time.  We  never  can  have  peace 


m 


at  any  price. 

1  haven't  lost  hope  and  confidence  in  the  great  power 
of  our  way  of  life.  It  had  been  so  strongly  anchored  in 
our  Constitution  and  Bill  of  Rights  that  it  cannot  be  torn 
loose  by  the  rebellion  or  anarchy  of  one  single  generation. 

In  this  time  of  transition,  we  cannot  help  but  look 
with  abhorrence  on  the  violence,  the  senseless  vandalism 
which  is  spreading  all  over  the  world.  We  might  harbor 
the  fear  that  our  present  civilization  and  culture  is 
being  demolished  by  a  minority  of  cowardly  provocateurs. 
\Je   might  he  afraid  tha/"  mankind  is  doomed,  that  the  old 
order  is  crumbling  with  no  new  order  in  sight.  Yet,  truly 
enough  in  the  long  history  of  mankind  there  never  had  been 
a  time  of  secure  stability. 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  600  - 


Please,  don't  worryl  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  601  - 


C 


C 


c 


children,  soul-songs,  soul-food.  Baloney I  Humbug!  The  soul 
is  the  spiritual,  immortal  part  in  man  and  cannot  be  con» 
jured  up  to  surface  by  drugs,  food  or  songs.  Happiness  can 
only  be  gained  from  deep  inside  of  us  through  the  resources 
of  a  growing  maturity. 

God  help  us  if  we  ever  forget  that  America,  our 
America,  gives  everybody  and  everyone  the  chance  to  catch 
up  with  happiness  if  he  or  she  honestly  pursues  it.  The 
opportunities  which  are  offered  to  us  under  our  Consti* 
tution  and  Bill  of  Rights  are  limitless,  and  yet  make  no 
mistake,  if  we  don't  watch  out,  if  we  don't  stand  firm  in 
defending  our  precious  freedom  under  the  Constitution 
we  here  in  these  United  States  of  America  can  fall  victim 
to  dictatorship  of  the  extreme  right  or  left.  Our  gullible 
young  rebels,  black,  white  or  brown,  apparently  don't 
know  or  do  not  want  to  know  that  they  are  being  manipulated 
by  agents  provocateurs  as  the  German  didn't  know  or  re= 
fused  to  know  during  the  years  prior  to  the  Third  Reich 
that  a  group  of  gangsters  were  taking  over.  These  young 
anarchists  today  don't  pursure  happiness,  they  pursue  un== 
happiness  and  we  better  wake  up  before  civilization  has 
been  turned  around  to  non-civilization.  It  matters  not  if 
an  extremist  i/6   a  Fascist  or  a  Communist,  a  right-  or  left- 
winger,  for  they  are/4rmed  in  the  same  mold.  They  all  aim 
to  destroy  democracy  and  free  speech  and  free  press.  The 


result  can  only  be  totalitarianism.  These  anarchists  to 
the  right  and  left  deny  free  speech  to  anyone  but  them=* 
selves.  It  cannot  be  done.  No  people  can  exist  without 
dialogue  unless  one  wishws  death  to  free  thoughfand  slavery 
for  the  masses  as  we  have  it  in  Imperialistic  Communist 
and  Fascist  countries.  No  movement  ever  has  been  more 
bloody,  more  murderous,  more  cowardly  that  professional 
pacifism.  Once  we  allow  the  extremists  and  the  professional 
pacifists  to  destroy  democracies  like  the  ones  in  the 
United  States  and  Israel,  all  hope  for  a  free  mankind 
will  be  buried  for  a  long  time.  We  never  can  have  peace 
at  any  price. 

I  haven't  lost  hope  and  confidence  in  the  great  power 
of  our  way  of  life.  It  had  been  so  strongly  anchored  in 
our  Constitution  and  Bill  of  Rights  that  it  cannot  be  torn 
loose  by  the  rebellion  or  anarchy  of  one  single  generation. 

In  this  time  of  transition,  we  cannot  help  but  look 
with  abhorrence  on  the  violence,  the  senseless  vandalism 
which  is  spreading  all  over  the  world.  We  might  harbor 
the  fear  that  our  present  civilization  and  culture  is 
being  demolished  by  a  minority  of  cowardly  provocateurs. 
We  might  be  afraid  tha/" mankind  is  doomed,  that  the  old 
order  is  crumbling  with  no  new  order  in  sight.  Yet,  truly 
enough  in  the  long  history  of  mankind  there  never  had  been 
a  time  of  secure  stability. 


•mm 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  iti 


-  602  - 


Please,  don't  worry  I  nothing  came  of  it I 


-  603  - 


C 


( 


c 


We  can  go  as  far  back  as  the  second  and  first  century 
B.C.  when  Polybius,  writing  the  history  of  the  Medit^xranean 
world  of  that  time,  explained  the  thesis  of  Thucydides ,  a 
Greek  historian  of  the  fifth  and  fourth  century  B.C.,  who 
is  also  remembered  for  his  oration  at  the  funeral  of  Pericles 

Polybius'  account  of  Thucydides'  basic  thesis  is  as 
valid  today  as  it  was  then  and  has  been  ever  since  and 
probably  will  be  in  all  future.  After  all,  mankind  has 
not  basically  changed,  for  we  have  not  acquired  the  wisdom 
to  learn  from  history. 

Polybius  wrote:  "Human  history  is  a  cycle  which  excess 
of  power  keeps  revolving.  Primitive  despots  start  the  wheel 
rolling.  The  more  power  they  get,  the  more  they  want,  and 
they  go  on  abusing  their  authority  until  inevitably  oppo= 
sition  is  aroused  and  a  few  men  seize  the  rule  for  them* 
selves.  These  also  can  never  be  satisfied.  They  encroach 
upon  the  rights  of  others  until  they  are  opposed  in  their 
turn.  The  people  are  aroused  against  them,  and  democracy 
succeeds  to  oligarchy.  But  there  again  the  evil  in  all 
power  is  no  less  operative.  It  brings  corruption  and  con= 
tempt  for  law,  until  the  state  can  no  longer  function  and 
easily  falls  before  a  strong  man  who  promises  to  restore 
order.  The  rule  of  the  one,  of  the  few,  of  the  many  is 
destroyed  in  turn  because  there  is  in  them  all  an  unvary* 
ing  evil  -  the  greed  for  power  -  and  no  moral  quality  is 


O 


o 


necessarily  bound  up  with  any  of  them."' 

As  I  said  before,  we  cannot  help  but  being  concerned 
with  the  state  of  affairs  in  our  time,  but  so  were  our 
forefathers  in  their  time  and  so  will  be  those  who  follow 
us  in  the  time  of  the  future.  What  is  happening  today,  has 
happened  before  and  is  going  to  happen  until  mankind  has 
become  obsolete. 


Here  on  the  Westcoast  of  America,  in  Southern 
California,  our  odyssee  as  people  without  a  country  was  at 
last  coming  to  an  end.  There  were  four  more  years  of  hard= 
ship  because  after  the  disaster  of  Pe^kfcl  Harbor  we,  who 
had  fled  from  Nazi-Germanym.who  were  the  Nazis'  bitterest 
enemies,  were  declared  enemy  aliens  until  the  day  we  were 
awarded  American  citizenship.  Then  finally  our  pursuit  of' 
happiness  found  its  fulfillment.  Perhaps  a  native-born 
American  will  not  easily  understand,  but  this  day  was  the» 
high-point,  the  pinnacle  of  our  lives,  and  no  other  event 

could  or  did  ever  rise  above  it.  American  citizenship  - 
aside  from  all  the  rights  and  duties  it  entails  -  is  most 
of  all  a  state  of  mind.  And  so  we  fully  agree  with  what 
Williams  and  Van  Narvig  wrote  in  their  book  "Secret  Sources" 
"In  being  granted  United  States  citizenship  the  oath  of 
allegiance  is  just  a  symbol.  It's  what  you  do  after  that 
what  really  counts.  If  you  preserve  your  European  mentality, 


mMwi 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  604  - 


Please,  don't  worry!  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  605  - 


C 


c 


c 


you're  still  no  American. 


II 


I  firmly  believe  that  Annie  and  I  have  shed  our  Euro= 
pean  mentality.  We  are  Americans,  we  feel  like  Americans, 
and  we  are  happy  and  contented  to  be  Americans.  We  have 
learned:  the  hard  way  the  value  of  American  citizenship,  w  :- 
Thank  God  for  that.  In  fact,  each  day  of  the  year  is 
Thanksgiving  Day  for  us. 

We  cannot  help  but  despise  the  many  ugly  anti-American 
deeds,  manifestations  and  vituperations  by  some  of  our 
ypung  people  and  those  whom  I  call  the  deadly  intellectuals. 
Neither  Annie  nor  I  could  ever  be  swerved  from  loving  this^ 
wonderful  country,  which,  of  course,  is  not  Utopia,  because 
there  can  be  no  Utopia  on  earth.  The  1944  Nobel  Prize  winner 
Johannes  V.  Jensen  said:  "The  United  States  of  America  is 
the  power  house  of  civilisation."  And  so  it  is.  (Sorry, 
Mr.  K.,  wherever  you  are). 

We  didn't  re-visit  Germany  or  Europe.  Yet,  our  bitter= 
ness  toward  Germany,  the  country  of  our  birth,  has  evaporated 
We  never  hated  the  Germans  as  a  people.  We  hated  the  Nazis 
and  still  do.  They,  indeed,  were  no  true  Germans.  No  Coramu^ 
nist  or  Fascist  has  a  nationality.  They  exist  outside  the 
human  race.  That  is  why  we  don't  believe  that  the  Nazi-guilt 
should  or  could  be  transferred  to  the  present,  new  generation 
of  Germans  or  any  generation  in  the  future.  We  cannot  blame 
them  for  the  sins  of  their  fathers.  The  new  democrajlc  Re- 


vO 


o 


public  of  Germany,  the  one  we  here  call  West-Germany,  has 
taken  her  place  among  the  free  nations  of  the  world  and 
rightfully  so.  She  is  paying  retribution  for  what  the 
Nazis  have  done  to  the  Jews  and  she  is  probably  the  best 
ally  the  State  of  Israel  has  today.  We  look  upon  today's 
West- Germany  with  great  pride  and  hope  that  one  day  in  the 
future  the  Eastern  part  of  Germany,  how  dominated  by  Commu' 
nists^  JBBBBHI  will  be  re-united  with  West-Germany. 

Some  five  years  ago  we  bought  a  mobile  home  and  moved 
into  one  of  the  most  beautiful  parks  in  the  West  of  the 
San  Fernando  Valley  at  the  foot  of  the  Malib^i  Mountain 
Range  some  eleven  miles  from  the  Pacific  Ocean.  To/ us 
it  is  paradise  on  earth.  We  have  no  intention  of  moving 
anymore  and  Timothy  enjoys  sitting  outside  in  our  yard 
on  a  long  chair,  taking  it  easy.  No  more  moving  and  no 
more  traveling  if  we  can  help  it.  At  last  Timothy  has 
his  wish  while  he  has  to  remain  my  guardian  angel. 


The  years  in  between  have  not  been  all 
strewn  with  roses.  If  it  hadn't  been  for  Timothy  -  and 
I  have  to  give  credit  where  credit  is  due  -  I  wouldn't 
have>:.made  it  long  enough  to  write  this  much  too  long  book 
whichmay  or  may  not  have  interested  you.  It  doesn't  matter 
very  much  to  me,  for  I  have  written  it  to  be  my  legacy.  If 


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Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  606  - 


Tiipothy  is  right,  I'll  have  another  fifteen  years  to 
live  on  this  earth,  and  I  intend  to  make  the  best  of  it. 

Indeed,  these  years, ever  since  we  came  to  California, 
have  not  always  been  easy  ones  and  yet  they  were  years  of 
true  happiness. 

We  worked  hard  and  we  made  progress.  We  became  a  part 
of  these  United  States  and  have  grown  deep  roots  here  which 
we  couldn't  tear  up  even  if  we  had  the  desire  which,  of 
course,  we  have  not. 

The  real  set-backs  we  received  in  the  last  years 
have  been  ones  pertaining  to  our  health.  We  contracted 
more  illnesses  than  we  ever  thought  possible.  I  had  to 
undergo  ten  major  operations  and  Annie  three.  If  it  had 
not  been  for  the  assistance  of  a  beloved  friend  of  ours, 
Lila  Gross,  whom  we  have  adopted  as  our  sister,  we  might 
have  fared  much  worse.  At  all  times  she  was  there  to  take 
care  of  Annie  when  I  was  in  the  hospital.  We  never  can 
repay  her  kindness  and  hospitality. 

I  myself  cannot  be  grateful  enough  to  the  Kaiser 
Foundation  Hospitals  and  the  outstanding  physicians  there, 
especially  Dr.  John  Fennimore  Cooper  (a  descendant  of  the 
famous  writer  and  name  sake)  who  saved  my  life  more  than 
once.  The  medical  care  I  received  and  still  receive  at 
this  finest  medical  institution  of  its  kind  could  not  have 
been  and  cannot  be  better  anywhere  else.  Besides,  Annie 


O 


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'^^.' 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  607  - 


and  I  always  took  and  take  care  of  each  other  as  it 
should  be.  In  a  way,  though,  we  have  become  semi-inva* 
lids  and  yet  our  pursuit  of  happiness  has  paid  off.  We 
have  achieved  the  kind  of  inner  happiness  one  can  only 
achieve  in  these  United  States  of  America.  We  are  free 
citizens  in  a  free  democratic  nation,  the  greatest  and 
finest  in  the  world.  (Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  wherever  you  are). 
Of  course,  we  reco^ize  her  many  flaws  and  defects  which 
generally  are  part  of  democracies.  Yet,  in  the  final 
analysis  any  country  is  as  good  or  bad  as  her  citizens. 
This  is  still  a  country  which  has  not  become  stagnant. 
She  is  alive  and  move^ forward  and  will  improve  as  each 


new 


generation,  even  the  present  one,  will  do  its  part 


Neither  Communism  nor  Fascism,  seemingly  a  threat  to 
our  very  existence,  will  ever  succeed  in  destroying  our 
way  of  life  which  is  unique  in  history.  Annie  and  I  feel 
certain  of  it. 

Sorry,  Mr.  K. ,  this  may  sound  patriotic  or  even 
chauvinistic,  hUt   it  isn't.  We  can't  change  how  we  feel. 
Sh   haven't  been  born  here.  We've  accepted  this  country 
for  better  or  worse.  Yes,  Annie  and  I  are  happy  here  and 
thank  God  each  day  for  our  togetherness.  We  live  a  wonder* 
ful  life  the  way  it  is  and  despite  our  phys/^^al  handicaps^ 
t4/e  don't  find  age  a  ourden. 

At  no  time  in  our  life  did  we  believe  that  success 


'A-WWWMJJW***"' 


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Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  608  - 


has  anything  to  do  with  acquiring  money  and  possessions. 
The  fact  is,  as  most  people  know,  that  no  onu?.  owns  anything. 
Whatever  we  may  own  is  ours  temporarily  only  and  often 
more  a  liability  than  an  asset. 

At  last  we  have  met  with  true  success  in  our  pursuit 
of  happiness  after  we  have  retired  from  the  more  active 
way  of  living.  We  have  never  known  a  minute  of  boredom 
and  do  not  now.  We  find  satisfaction  in  thinking  and  medi= 
tating,  in  conversation,  reading  and  writing  as  well  as 
watching  television  for  a  few  hours  in  the  evening.  Our 
days  are  always  filled  although  they  have  become  shorter 
since  we  have  to  rest  quite  a  bit. 

We  have  not  obtained  much  in  way  of  material  things, 
but  whatever  we  have  does  suffice  to  keep  us  alive  and 
out  of  debts.  We've  shed  all  our  worries,  for  now  we  can 
honestly  live  for  one  day  only  and  let  the  tomorrow  take 
care  of  itself.  Death  has  no  fear  for  us.  Death  is  our 
friend  and  when  he  will  take  us  we  are  ready  to  join  God 
in  eternal  peace. 

We  have  learned  that  there  is  no  more  glorious  way 
of  living  than  our  way  in  the  United  States  and  don't  care 
who  agrees  with  us  and  who  doesn't.  We've  found  our  niche 
and  we  like  it.  God  has  truly  blessed  us. 

And  now,  please,  let  me  come  to  the  end  of  this  book 
of  reminiscences,  if  it  is  that,  with  an  article  X  wrote 


Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  609  - 


O 


not  so  long  ago.  It  appeared  in  the  magazine  "Harvest 
Years"and  I  hope  that  the  editor  won't  object  if  I 
insert  it  here. 


"OUR  LOVE  AFFAIR  WITH  LIFE 


II 


^. 


# 


FOR  EACH  OF  us  there's 
one  romance  that  can  re- 
^jn'dm   eternally   rejuvenat- 
ing:   our  love  affair   with 
life. 

Life  is  the  sum  total  of 

ever5i;hing  we  hold   dear, 

ever>'thing  we  feel . . .  from 

the  first  breath  to  the  last. 

It  can  be  likened  to,  and  for 

some  encompasses,  a  good 

marriage  that  keeps  its  youthful  romantic  aura 

and   mutual   regaj-d,  despite  the  arguments  and 

adversities  to  which  lovers  are  prone.  In  fact,  our 

feeling's  may  he  intensified  and  strengthened  by 

occasional  setbacks,  if  we  but  acknowledge  the 

significance  of  our  love. 

And  just  ;is  any  true  romance  shows  its  mettle 
be;-t  when  it  comes  through  a  snag  mX\i  flying 
colors,  so  it  is  with  our  regard  for  life. 

Recently— while  sitting  in  my  doctor's  waiting 
room — I  was  reminded  how  our  experiences  are 
temr^ered  in  thiKS  way  by  our  basic  attitudes,  or  the 
quality  of  our  emotions.  An  acquaintance  I  hadn't 
seen  for  years  came  in  and  wearily  dropped  into 
a  chair  beside  me. 

"I'm  shaking  with  fear,"  he  whispered  to  me. 
I  looked  at  him  question! ngly. 
"I'm  going  to  have  an  operation,"  he  confided. 
''Vou  know,  incredible  as  it  may  sound,  I've  never 
before  had  a  moment  of  real  pain  in  my  life." 
My  poor  friend  was  caught  on  a  snag  that  often 
mars  our  romance  with  life:  fear.  1  was  tempted 
to  counsel  him  about  such  a  harmful  negative  atti- 
tudi»,..to  tell  him,  then  and  there,  how  I'd  suc- 
cessfully stabilized  my  love  affair  with  life  despite 
eight  major  operations  in  the  last  ten  years.  But, 
figdring  that  one  shouldn't  meddle  with  another's 
em'>Lic»Tis,  I  didn't  say  anything. 

However,  1  later  fell  to  thinking  how  nebulous 
our  emotions  can  be.  And  as  lovers  fail  to  make  up 


:.!.^- 


4; 


after  a  quarrel,  sp  people  often  fail  to  adjii8t^J»t 
the  vicissitudes  of  life.  I  ^yondered  if  my  friend 
would  have  benefited  and  found  encouragement- 
if  I  had  shared  my  own  positive  ideas  about  life  ' 

with  him  '  .'■■•..■-;!-'. v';*''-r.'-v *••'.-:•- ..    •  /••  '■■^■(■'^''^^.■^i 

Prior  to  my  first  operation—which  lasted  over^ 
six  hours  and  from  which  I'd  been  given  less  than  ;- 
an  even  chance  to  recover-— Fd  made  up  my  mind  J 
to  do  one  thing:  face  it  squarely  with  dignity,  I V' 
estimated  tiiat,  since  my  chances  were  slim»  ihy   • 
sheer  love  of  life  might  l>0  a  determininir  factor 
for  survival.  Aji^,  whil^  l  prepared  myself^  to; 
submit  gracefully  io  God's  will*  I  fibred  if  (^U;; 
the  world  loves  a  lover*'  God  would  do  nolessjand 
might  consequently  shift  the  odds  to  my  faypri^>; 

When  I  emerged  from  the  anesthesia  my  niind 
and  body  behaved  very  kindly  and  settled  into  the  ': 
routine  of  recuperation  w;xth  little  pain.  The  doctor  ' 
later  told  me  that  the  opeiiition  had  been  a  night-;  ; 
mare  of  complications^  aii4:^®  ^^^  fought  tiard 
for  my  life.  But  we  had  won  the  battle  together:-^  ■  ^ 
with  his  skill  and  my  spiritual  and  mental  equi-i;' 
librium.  And  although  my  illness  was  so  severe  tiat 
I  had  to  undergo  surgery  seven  more  times,  I  Icept 
my  love  affair  with  Jife  intact     ^\^^  ,'i#^^i^<^^^?^ 

Losilig  your  zest  and  love  for  life  is  bound  to  { 
create  within,  you  a  feeling  of  insecurity  and 
spiritual  misery,  and  tliis,  makes  a  mockery  of 
God's  will  ■  •    '  ■  ;;v\:v^  ■■/":  :^X€-^^  :^W^4-  'f^iri '  - A^;-^:^  '^UM 

Perhaps,  like  my  firien^,  too  tnany  of  us  are  so 
blessed  by  good  health  and  fortune  that  we  take 
life  for  granted  .. »  we  for^^et  that  life  itself  is  a 
miracle,  fragile  and  transient  though  it  may  be, 
that 'Should  be  chenshecli,.^^^;!^;:'"-;^^;^.-^  ;^;^  If  J*;"' '^^r/ •:''■• '; 

If  we  keep  our  romance  y/i'^  life  unmarred  by 
fear,  .selfishness,  greed,  or  resignation  to  mis- 
fortune— we  have  accx)mplish(jd  the  most  succesa- 
lul  aspect  of  our  lives.  After  all,  succesis  comesi 
from  within,  not  f ronx  wlthoutj  0»ly  you  can  keeb  !  . 
your  love  affair  with  yfe  eterjiaUy  young.  iS^"'^H0'^ 


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Please,  don't  worry  I  Nothing  came  of  it  I 


-  610  - 


1*11  have  to  add  that  after  this  article  appeared 
I  had  to  undergo  surgery  twice  more  and  came  through 
with  flying  colors.  Timothy  was  there  to  make  sure  of 
it. 


All  I  can  think  of  now  is  for  you  not  ever 
to  forget  the  words  from  the  bible,  I  have  quoted  before: 
"Man  is  bom  unto  trouble  as  the  sparks  fly  upwards".  They 
also  flew  upwards,  it  is  my  sadness  to  remind  you,  from 
Hitler's  crematoria  ovens,  where  they  were  kindled  by 
human  flesh  to  prove  perhaps  that  man  truly  is  bom  unto 
trouble.  Only  God  knows  the  reason  why. 

So,  please,  do  never  feel  that  anything  is  so  im= 
portant  that  one  should  hate  for  it  or  rage  about  it, 
or  even  worry  on  account  of  it.  Remember,  in  a  hundred  or 
only  fifty  years  or  less  we  all  will  be  forgotten  on  this 
planet.  Only  God  will  remember  us. 

And  so  -  Annie,  Timothy  and  I  are  wishing  you  all  our 
very  best  and  thank  you  for  reading  this  lengthy  book.  May 
God  bless  you  all. 


*** 


Two  Postscripts: 


1)  You  may  well  wonder  who  this  mysterious  Mr.  K.  is.  Well- 
he  is  just  a  symbol  of  the  kind  of  native  American,  the  deadly 


O 


o 


Please,    don't  worry!    Nothing  came  of  it! 


-  611  - 


intellectual,  who  Condemns  anything  and  everything  these 
United  States  of  America  stand  for.  He  is  the  symbol  of 
the  sadest  example  of  humanity  this  wonderful  country  of 
our  has  produced:  The  American  an ti- American. 

2)  Now  Timothy  tells  me  that  the  title  for  this  book  is 
wrong  or  has  been  proven  wrong  in  the  end.  After  all, 
something  came  of  it.  If  it  had  not  been  for  Hitler  and 
his  gangsters  -  as  I  wrote  on  the  first  page  -  we  never 
would  have  found  the  happiness  of  being  American  citizens. 


END 


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