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TRISTRAM SHANDY
1
THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF
TRISTRAM SHANDY
GENTLEMAN
LAURENCE STERNE
THE MACY LIBRARY
A-
J' "
Printed in the United States of America
To the Right Honourable
Mr Pn T
SIR,
Never poor Wight of a Dedicator had less hopes from
his Dedication, than I have from this of mine; for it
is written in a bye corner of the kingdom, and in a retired
thatched house, where I live in a constant endeavour to
fence against the infirmities of ill health, and other evils of
life, by mirth; being firmly persuaded that every time a
man smiles, — but much more so, when he laughs, it adds
something to this Fragment of Life.
I humbly beg, Sir, that you will honour this book, by
taking it — (not under your Protection, — it must protect it-
self, but) — into the country with you; where, if I am ever
told, it has made you smile; or can conceive it has beguiled
you of one moment's pain — I shall think myself as happy
as a minister of state; perhaps much happier than any
one (one only excepted) that I have read or heard of.
I amy great sir,
(^and zvhat is more to \our Honour^
I am, good sir.
Your Well-wisher, and
most humble Felloiu-stihject,
THE AUTHOR.
CONTENTS
rACK
The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy:
Book I,
I
Book II, . .
.
70
Book III,
140
Book IV,
217
Book V,
309
Book VI,
370
Book VII,
432
Book VIII,
489
Book IX,
547
THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF
TRISTRAM SHANDY
GENTLEMAN
Tapaccci Tooc 'AvGpcLnouc cu za OpaYM^Ta,
'AAAd ra nzp\ tcLv IlpaYiJaTojv AoYMaxa.
THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF
TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent.
ROOK I
Chapter i
I WISH either my father or my mother, or indeed both of
them, as they were in duty both equally hound to it, had
minded what they were about when they begot me; had they
duly considered how much depended upon what they were
then doing; — that not only the production of a rational
Being was concerned in it, but that possibly the happy
formation and temperature of his bodv, perhaps his genius
and the ver)' cast of his mind; — and, for aught thcv knew
to the contrary, even the fortunes of his whole house might
take their turn from the humours and dispositions which
were then uppermost; — Had they duly weighed and con-
sidered all this, and proceeded accordingly, — I am verily
persuaded I should have made a quite different figure in the
world, from that in which the reader is likely to see me. —
Believe me, good folks, this is not so inconsiderable a thing
as many of you may think it; — you have all, I dare say,
heard of the animal spirits, as how they are transfused from
father to son, etc. etc. — and a great deal to that purpose: —
Well, you may take my word, that nine parts in ten of a
man's sense or his nonsense, his successes and miscarriages
in this world depend upon their motions and activity, and
the different tracts and trains you put them into, so that
when they are once set a-going, whether right or wrong,
'tis not a halfpenny matter, — away they go cluttering like
hey-go mad ; and by treading the same steps over and over
again, they presently make a road of it, as plain and as
2 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
smooth as a garden-walk, which, when they are once used
to, the Devil himself sometimes shall not be able to drive
them off it.
"Pray, my Dear," quoth my mother, "have you not
forgot to wind up the clock?" "Good G — !" cried my
father, making an exclamation, but taking care to moderate
his voice at the same time, — "Did ever woman, since the
creation of the world, interrupt a man with such a silly
question?" Pray, what was your father saying? — Nothing.
Chaffer 2
— Then, positively, there is nothing in the question that
I can see, either good or bad. — Then, let me tell you. Sir,
it was a very unseasonable question at least, — because it
scattered and dispersed the animal spirits, whose business it
was to have escorted and gone hand in hand with the
HoMUNCULUS, and conducted him safe to the place destined
for his reception.
The Homunculus, Sir, in however low and ludicrous a
light he may appear, in this age of levity, to the eye of
folly or prejudice; — to the eye of reason in scientific re-
search, he stands confessed — a Being guarded and circum-
scribed with rights. — The minutest philosophers who, by
the bye, have the most enlarged understandings, (their souls
being inversely as their enquiries) shew us incontestably,
that the Homunculus is created by the same hand, — en-
gendered in the same course of nature, — endowed with the
same locomotive powers and faculties with us: — That he
consists as we do, of skin, hair, fat, flesh, veins, arteries,
ligaments, nerves, cartilages, bones, marrow, brains, glands,
genitals, humours, and articulations; — is a Being of as
much activity, — and, in all senses of the word, as much
and as truly our fellow-creature as my Lord Chancellor of
England. — He may be benefited, — he may be injured, —
he may obtain redress; — in a word, he has all the claims and
CHAP. 3 TRISTRAM SHANDY 3
rights of humanity, which Tully, Puffendorf, or the best
ethic writers allow to arise out of that state and relation.
Now, dear Sir, what if any accident had befallen him in
his way alone! — or that, through terror of it, natural to so
young a traveller, my little Gentleman had got to his
journey's end miserably spent; — his muscular strength and
virility worn down to a thread; — his own animal spirits
ruffled beyond description, — and that in this sad disordered
state of nerves, he had lain down a prey to sudden starts, or
a series of melancholy dreams and fancies, for nine long.
Ions: months together. — I tremble to think what a founda-
tion had been laid for a thousand weaknesses both of body
and mind, which no skill of the physician or the philosopher
could ever afterwards have set thoroughly to rights.
Chaffer j
To my uncle Mr. Toby Shandy do I stand indebted for
the preceding anecdote, to whom my father, who was an
excellent natural philosopher, and much given to close
reasoning upon the smallest matters, had oft, and heavily
complained of the injury; but once more particularly, as
my uncle Toby well remembered, upon his observing a most
unaccountable obliquity, (as he called it) in my manner of
setting up my top, and justifying the principles upon which
I had done it, — the old gentleman shook his head, and in a
tone more expressive by half of sorrow than reproach, —
he said his heart all along foreboded, and he saw it verified
in this, and from a thousand other observations he had made
upon me, That I should neither think nor act like any other
man's child: — "But alas!" continued he, shaking his head
a second time, and wiping away a tear which was trickling
down his cheeks, "My Tristram's misfortunes began nine
months before ever he came into the world."
— My mother, who was sitting by, looked up, — but she
knew no more than her backside what my father meant, —
4 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
but my uncle, Mr. Toby Shandy, who had been often in-
formed of the affair, — understood him very well.
Chapter ^
I KNOW there are readers in the world, as well as many
other good people in it, who are no readers at all, — who find
themselves ill at ease, unless they are let into the whole
secret from first to last, of everything which concerns you.
It is in pure compliance with this humour of theirs, and
from a backwardness in my nature to disappoint any one
soul living, that I have been so very particular already. As
my life and opinions are likely to make some noise in the
world, and, if I conjecture right, will take in all ranks, pro-
fessions, and denominations of men whatever, — be no less
read than the Pil grinds Progress itself — and in the end,
prove the very thing which Montaigne dreaded his Essays
should turn out, that is, a book for a parlour-window; — I
find it necessary to consult every one a little in his turn;
and therefore must beg pardon for going on a little further
in the same way: For which cause, right glad I am, that I
have begun the history of myself in the way I have done;
and that I am able to go on, tracing every thing in it, as
Horace says, ab Ovo.
Horace, I know does not recommend this fashion alto-
gether: But that gentleman is speaking only of an epic
poem or a tragedy; — (I forget which,) — besides, if it was
not so, I should beg Mr. Horace's pardon; — for in writing
what I have set about, I shall confine myself neither to his
rules, nor to any man's rules that ever lived.
To such, however, as do not choose to go so far back into
these things, I can give no better advice, than that they skip
over the remaining part of this chapter; for I declare be-
forehand, 'tis wrote only for the curious and inquisitive.
Shut the door -^ —
I was begot in the night, betwixt the first Sunday and the first
CHAP. 4 TRISTRAM SHANDY 5
Mondav in the month of March, in the year of our Lord
one thousand seven hundred and eighteen. I am positire I
was, — But how I came to be so very particular in my ac-
count of a thing which happened before I was born, is owing
to another small anecdote known only in our own family,
but now made public for the better clearing up this point.
My father, you must know, who was originally a Turkey
merchant, but had left off business for some years, in order
to retire to, and die upon, his paternal estate in the county
of , was, I believe, one of the most regular men in
everything he did, whether 'twas matter of business, or
matter of amusement, that ever lived. As a small specimen
of this extreme exactness of his, to which he was in truth a
slave, — he had made it a rule for many years of his life —
on the first Sunday-night of every month throughout the
whole year, — as certain as ever the Sunday-night came, —
to wn'nd up a large house-clock, which we had standing on
the backstairs head, with his own hands: — And being some-
where between fifty and sixty years of age at the time I
have been speaking of, — he had likewise gradually brought
some other little family concernments to the same period,
in order, as he would often say to my uncle Toby, to get
them all out of the way at one time, and be no more plagued
and pestered with them the rest of the month.
It was attended with but one misfortune, which, in a
great measure, fell upon myself, and the effects of which I
fear I shall carry with me to my grave; namely, that from
an unhappy association of ideas, which have no connection
in nature, it so fell out at length, that my poor mother could
never hear the said clock wound up, — but the thoughts of
some other things unavoidably popped into her head — and
vice versa: — Which strange combination of ideas, the sa-
gacious Locke, who certainly understood the nature of these
things better than most men, afl'irms to have produced more
wry actions than all other sources of prejudice whatsoever.
6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
But this by the bye.
Now it appears by a memorandum in my father's pocket-
book, which now lies upon the table, "That on Lady-day,
which was on the 25th of the same month in which I date
my geniture, — my father set out upon his journey to Lon-
don, with my eldest brother Bobby, to fix him at Westminster
school"; and, as it appears from the same authority, "That
he did not get down to his wife and family till the second
week in May following," — it brings the thing almost to a
certainty. However, what follows in the beginning of the
next chapter, puts it beyond all possibility of doubt.
— But pray, Sir, What was your father doing all Decem-
ber, — January, and February? — Why, Madam, — he was
all that time afflicted with a Sciatica.
Chapter 5
On the fifth day of November, 17 18, which to the era fixed
on, was as near nine calendar months as any husband could
in reason have expected, — was I Tristram Shandy, Gentle-
man, brought forth into this scurvy and disastrous world
of ours. — I wish I had been born in the Moon, or in any
of the planets, (except Jupiter or Saturn, because I never
could bear cold weather) for it could not well have fared
worse with me in any of them (though I will not answer
for Venus) than it has in this vile, dirty planet of ours, —
which, o' my conscience, with reverence be it spoken, I take
to be made up of the shreds and clippings of the rest; —
not but the planet is well enough, provided a man could be
born in it to a great title or to a great estate; or could any
how contrive to be called up to public charges, and employ-
ments of dignity or power; — but that is not my case; — and
therefore every man will speak of the fair as his own market
has gone in it; — for which cause I affirm it over again to
be one of the vilest worlds that ever was made; — for I can
truly say, that from the first hour I drew my breath in it,
CHAP. 6 TRISTRAM SHANDY' 7
to this, thnt I can now scarce draw it at all, for an asthma
I got in skating against the wind in Flanders; — I have heen
the continual sport of what the world calls Fortune; and
though I will not wrong her by saying. She has ever made
me feel the weight of any great or signal evil; — yet with
all the good temper in the world, I affirm it of her, that in
every stage of my life, and at every turn and corner where
she could get fairly at me, the ungracious duchess has
pelted me with a set of as pitiful misadventures and cross
accidents as ever small Hero sustained.
Chafter 6
In the beginning; of the last chapter, I informed you exactly
when I was born; but I did not inform you how, No, that
particular was reserved entirely for a chapter by itself; —
besides. Sir, as you and I are in a manner perfect strangers
to each other, it would not have been proper to have let you
into too many circumstances relating to myself all at once.
— "^'ou must have a little patience. I have undertaken, you
see, to write not only my life, but my opinions also; hoping
and expecting that your knowledge of my character, and
of what kind of a mortal I am, by the one, would give you
a better relish for the other: As you proceed farther with
mc, the slight acquaintance, which is now beginning be-
twixt us, will grow into familiarity; and that, unless one
of us is in fault, will terminate in friendship. — O dirm
prafclartim! — then nothing which has touched me will be
th<}ught trirting in its nature, or tedious in its telling. There-
fore, my dear friend and companion, if you should think
me somewhat sparing of my narrative on my first setting
out — bear with me, — and let me go on, and tell my story
my own way: — Or, if I should seem now and then to trifle
upon the road, — or should sometimes put on a fool's cap with
a bell to it, for a moment or two as we pass along, — don't
fly off, — but rather courteously give me credit for a little
8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
more wisdom than appears upon my outside; — and as we
jog on, either laugh with me, or at me, or in short, do any
thing, — only keep your temper.
Chapter 7
In the same village where my father and my mother dwelt,
dwelt also a thin, upright, motherly, notable, good old body
of a midwife, who with the help of a little plain good sense,
and some years' full employment in her business, in which
she had all along trusted little to her own efforts, and a
great deal to those of dame Nature, — had acquired, in her
way, no small degree of reputation in the world: — by which
the word worldy need I in this place inform your worship,
that I would be understood to mean no more of it, than a
small circle described upon the circle of the great world, of
four English miles diameter, or thereabouts, of which the
cottage where the good old woman lived, is supposed to be
the centre? — She had been left, it seems, a widow in great
distress, with three or four small children, in her forty-
seventh year; and as she was at that time a person of decent
carriage, — grave deportment, — a woman moreover of few
words, and withal an object of compassion, whose distress,
and silence under it, called out the louder for a friendly
lift: the wife of the parson of the parish was touched with
pity; and having often lamented an inconvenience, to which
her husband's flock had for many years been exposed, inas-
much as there was no such thing as a midwife, of any kind
or degree, to be got at, let the case have been never so
urgent, within less than six or seven long miles riding;
which said seven long miles in dark nights and dismal roads,
the country thereabouts being nothing but a deep clay, was
almost equal to fourteen; and that in effect was sometimes
next to iiaving no midwife at all; it came into her head,
that it would be doing as seasonable a kindness to the whole
parish, as to the poor creature herself, to get her a little
CHAP. 7 TRISTRAM SHANDY 9
instructed in some of the plain principles of the business, in
order to set her up in it. As no woman thereabouts was
better qualified to execute the plan she had formed than her-
self, the gentlewoman very charitably undertook it; and
havnng great influence over the female part of the parish,
she found no difficulty in effecting it to the utmost of her
wishes. In truth, the parson joined his interest with his
wife's in the whole affair; and in order to do things as
they should be, and give the poor soul as good a title by law
to practice, as his wife had given by institution, — he cheer-
fully paid the fees for the ordinary's licence himself,
amounting in the whole, to the sum of eighteen shillings
and four pence; so that betwixt them both, the good woman
was fully invested in the real and corporal possession of her
ofl'ice, together with all its rights, members, and appur-
tenances whatsoever.
These last words, you must know, were not according to
the old form in which such licences, faculties, and powers
usually ran, which in like cases had heretofore been granted
to the sisterhood. But it was according to a neat Formula
of Didius his own devising, who having a particular turn
for taking to pieces, and new framing over again, all kinds
of instruments in that way, not only hit upon this daintv
amendment, but coaxed many of the old licensed matrons
in the neighbourhood, to open their faculties afresh, in
order to have this wham-wham of his inserted.
I own I never could envy Didius in these kinds of fancies
of his: — But every man to his own taste. — Did not Dr.
Kunastrokius, that great man, at his leisure hours, take the
greatest delight imaginable in combing of asses' tails, and
plucking the dead hairs out with his teeth, though he had
tweezers always in his pocket? Nay, if you come to that,
Sir, have not the wisest of men in all ages, not excepting
Solomon himself, — have they not had their Hobby-Horses;
— their running horses, — their coins and their cockle-shells,
10 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
their drums and their trumpets, their fiddles, their pallets,
— their maggots and their butterflies? — and so long as a
man rides his Hobby-Horse peaceably and quietly along the
King's highway, and neither compels you or me to get up
behind him, — pray. Sir, what have either you or I to do
with it?
Chafter 8
— De gusdbus non est dispjttnnduw ; — that is, there is no
disputing against Hobby-Horses; and for my part, I seldom
do ; nor could I with any sort of grace, had I been an enemy
to them at the bottom; for happening, at certain intervals
and changes of the moon, to be both fiddler and painter,
according as the fly stings: — Be it known to you, that I keep
a couple of pads myself, upon which, in their turns, (nor
do I care who knows it) I frequently ride out and take the
air; — though sometimes, to my shame be it spoken, I take
somewhat longer journeys than what a wise man would
think altogether right. — But the truth is, — I am not a wise
man; — and besides am a mortal of so little consequence
in the world, it is not much matter what I do: so I seldom
fret or fume at all about it: Nor does it much disturb my
rest, when I see such great Lords and tall Personages as
hereafter follow: — such, for instance, as my Lord A, B,
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, and so on, all
of a row, mounted upon their several horses, some with
large stirrups, getting on in a more grave and sober pace;
— others on the contrary, tucked up to their very chins,
with whips across their mouths, scouring and scampering it
away like so many little party-coloured devils astride a
mortgage, — and as if some of them were resolved to break
their necks. — So much the better — say I to myself; — for
in case the worst should happen, the world will make a shift
to do excellently well without them; and for the rest, —
why — God speed them — e'en let them ride on without op-
position from me; for were their lordships unhorsed this
CHAP. 9 TRISTRAM SHANDY n
ver)- night — 'tis ten to one but that many of them would be
worse mounted by one half before to-morrow morning.
Not one of these instances therefore can be said to break
in upon my rest. — But there is an instance, which I own
puts me off my guard, and that is, when I see one born for
great actions, and what is still more for his honour, whose
nature ever inclines him to good ones; — when I behold such
a one, my Lord, like yourself, whose principles and conduct
are as generous and noble as his blood, and whom, for th.it
reason, a corrupt world cannot spare one moment; — when
I see such a one, my Lord, mounted, though it is but for a
minute beyond the time which mv love to mv country has
prescribed tt) him, and my zeal for his glory wishes, — then,
my Lord, I cease to be a philosopher, and in the first trans-
port of an honest impatience, I wish the Hobby-Horse, with
all his fraternity, at the Devil.
"Mv Lord,
"I maintain this to be a dedication, notwithstanding its
singularity in the three great essentials of matter, form, and
place: I beg, therefore, you will accept it as such, and that
you will permit me to lay it, with the most respectful hu-
mility, at your Lordship's feet, — when you are upon them,
— which you can be when you please; — and that is, my
Lord, whenever there is occasion for it, and I will add, to
the best purposes too. I have the honour to be,
''My Lord,
Your Lordship's most obedient,
and most devoted,
and most humble servant,
"Tristr.am Shandy."
Chapter i)
I SOLEMNLY declare to all mankind, that the above dedica-
tion was made for no one Prince, Prelate, Pope, or Poten-
12 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
tate, — Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, of this, or
any other Realm in Christendom; — nor has it yet been
hawked about, or offered publicly or privately, directly or
indirectly, to any one person or personage, great or small;
but is honestly a true Virgin-Dedication untried on, upon
any soul living.
I labour this point so particularly, merely to remove any
offence or objection which might arise against it from the
manner in which I propose to make the most of it; — which
is the putting it up fairly to public sale; which I now do.
— Every author has a way of his own in bringing his
points to bear; — for my own part, as I hate chaffering and
higgling for a few guineas in a dark entry; — I resolved
within myself, from the very beginning, to deal squarely
and openly with your Great Folks in this affair, and try
whether I should not come off the better by it.
If therefore there is any one Duke, Marquis, Earl, Vis-
count, or Baron, in these his Majesty's dominions, who
stands in need of a tight, genteel dedication, and whom the
above will suit, (for by the bye, unless it suits in some de-
gree I will not part with it) — it is much at his service for
fifty guineas; — which I am positive is twenty guineas less
than it ought to be afforded for, by any man of genius.
My Lord, if you examine it over again, it is far from
being a gross piece of daubing, as some dedications are. The
design, your Lordship sees, is good, — the colouring trans-
parent, — the drawing not amiss; — or to speak more like a
man of science, — and measure my piece in the painter's
scale, divided into 20, — I believe, my Lord, the outlines will
turn out as 12, — the composition as 9, — the colouring as 6,
— the expression 13 and a half, — and the design, — if I may
be allowed, my Lord, to understand my own design, and
supposing absolute perfection in designing, to be as 20, — I
think it cannot well fall short of 19. Besides all this, —
there is keeping in it, and the dark strokes in the Hobby-
CHAP. 10 TRISTRAM SHANDY' 13
Horse, (which is a secondary figure, and a kind of back-
ground to the whole) give great force to the principal lights
in your own figure, and make it come off wonderfully; —
and besides, there is an air of originality in the tout ensemble.
Be pleased, my good Lord, to order the sum to be paid
into the hands of Mr. Dodsley, for the benefit of the author,
and in the next edition care shall be taken that this chapter
be expunged, and your Lordship's titles, distinctions, arms,
and good actions, be placed at the front of the preceding
chapter: All which, from the words, De gustibus non est
disputandumy and whatever else in this book relates to
Hobby-Horses, but no more, shall stand dedicated to your
Lordship. — The rest I dedicate to the Moon, who, by the
bye, of all the Patrons or Matrons I can think of, has most
power to set my book a-going, and make the world run mad
after it.
Bright Goddess,
If thou art not too busy with Candid and Miss Cune-
gund's aflfairs, — take Tristram Shandy's under thy protec-
tion also.
Chapter 1 o
Whatever degree of small merit the act of benignity in
favour of the midwife might justly claim, or in whom that
claim truly rested, — at first sight seems not very material
to this history; — certain however it was, that the gentle-
woman, the parson's wife, did run away at that time with
the whole of it: And yet, for my life, I cannot help thinking
but that the parson himself, though he had not the good
fortune to hit upon the design first, — yet, as he heartily con-
curred in it the moment it was laid before him, and as
heartily parted with his money to carry it into execution, had
a claim to some share of it, — if not to a full half of what-
ever honour was due to '\t.
14 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
The world at tliat time was pleased to determine the
matter otherwise.
Lay down the book, and I will allow you half a day to
give a probable guess at the grounds of this procedure.
Be it known then, that, for about five years before the
date of the midwife's licence, of which you have had so
circumstantial an account, — the parson we have to do with
had made himself a country-talk by a breach of all decorum,
which he had committed against himself, his station, and his
office; — and that was in never appearing better, or other-
wise mounted, than upon a lean, sorry, jack-ass of a horse,
value about one pound fifteen shillings; who, to shorten all
description of him, was full brother to Rosinante, as far as
similitude congenial could make him; for he answered his
description to a hair-breadth in every thing, — except that I
do not remember 'tis any where said, that Rosinante was
broken- winded; and that, moreover, Rosinante, as is the
happiness of most Spanish horses, fat or lean, — was un-
doubtedly a horse at all points.
I know very well that the Hero's horse was a horse of
chaste deportment, which may have given grounds for the
contrary opinion: But it is as certain at the same time, that
Rosinante's continency (as may be demonstrated from the
adventure of the Yanguesian carriers) proceeded from no
bodily defect or cause whatsoever, but from the temperance
and orderly current of his blood. — And let me tell you,
Madam, there is a great deal of very good chastity in the
world, in behalf of which you could not say more for your
life.
Let that be as it may, as my purpose is to do exact justice
to every creature brought upon the stage of this dramatic
work, — I could not stifle this distinction in favour of Don
Quixote's horse; — in all other points, the parson's horse, I
say, was just such another, — for he was as lean, and as lank,
and as sorry a jade, as Humility herself could have bestrided.
cHAi>. 10 TRISTRAM SHANDY 15
In the estimation of here and there a man of weak jmlg-
mcnt, it was greatly in the parson's povser to have helped
the figure of this horse of his, — for he was master of a very
handsome demi-pcaked saddle, quilted on the seat with green
plush, garnished with a double row of silver-headed studs,
and a noble pair of shining brass stirrups, with a housing
altogether suitable, of grey superfine cloth, with an edging
of black lace, terminating in a deep, black, silk fringe,
pottdri' d'oTy — all which he had purchased in the pride and
prime of his life, together with a grand embossed bridle,
ornamented at all points as it should be. — But not caring
to banter his beast, he had hung all these up behind his study
door: — and, in lieu of them, had seriously befitted him with
just such a bridle and such a saddle, as the figure and value
of such a steed might well and truly deserve.
In the several sallies about his parish, and in the neigh-
bouring visits to the gentry who lived around him, — you
will easily comprehend, that the parson, so appointed, would
both hear and see enough to keep his philosophy from rust-
ing. To speak the truth, he never could enter a village, but
he caught the attention of both old and young. — Labour
stood still as he passed — the bucket hung suspended in the
middle of the well, — the spinning-wheel forgot its round,
— even chuck-farthing and shuffle-cap themselves stood
gaping till he had got out of sight; and as his movement
was not of the quickest, he had generally time enough upon
his hands to make his observations, — to hear the groans of
the serious, — and the laughter of the light-hearted; — all
which he bore with excellent tranquillity. — His character
was, — he loved a jest in his heart — and as he saw himself in
the true point of ridicule, he would say he could not be
angry with others for seeing him in a light, in which he so
strongly saw himself: So that to his friends, who knew his
foible was not the love of money, and who therefore made
the less scruple in bantering the extravagance of his humour
i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY booki
— instead of giving the true cause, — he chose rather to join
in the laugh against himself; and as he never carried one
single ounce of flesh upon his own bones, being altogether
as spare a figure as his beast, — he would sometimes insist
upon it, that the horse was as good as the rider deserved; —
that they were, centaur-like, — both of a piece. At other
times, and in other moods, when his spirits were above the
temptation of false wit, — he would say, he found himself
going off fast in a consumption; and, with great gravity,
would pretend, he could not bear the sight of a fat horse,
without a dejection of heart, and a sensible alteration in his
pulse; and that he had made choice of the lean one he rode
upon, not only to keep himself in countenance, but in spirits.
At different times he would give fifty humorous and ap-
posite reasons for riding a meek-spirited jade of a broken-
winded horse, preferably to one of mettle; — for on such a
one he could sit mechanically, and meditate as delightfully
de vanitate niundi et fuga saeculij as with the advantage of a
death's-head before him; — that, in all other exercitations,
he could spend his time, as he rode slowly along, — to as
much account as in his study; — that he could draw up an
argument in his sermon, — or a hole in his breeches, as
steadily on the one as in the other; — that brisk trotting and
slow argumentation, like wit and judgment, were two in-
compatible movements. — But that upon his steed — he could
iHiite and reconcile every thing, — he could compose his ser-
mon, — he could compose his cough, — and, in case nature
gave a call that way, he could likewise compose himself to
sleep. — In short, the parson upon such encounters would
assign any cause but the true cause, — and he withheld the
true one, only out of a nicety of temper, because he thought
it did honour to him.
But the truth of the story was as follows: In the first
years of this gentleman's life, and about the time when the
superb saddle and bridle were purchased by him, it had been
CHAP. 10 TRISTRAM SHANDY 17
his manner, or vanity, or call it what you will, — to run into
the opposite extreme. — In the language of the county where
he dwelt, he was said to have loved a good horse, and gen-
erally had one of the best in the whole parish standing in
his stable always ready for saddling; and as the nearest mid-
wife, as I told you, did not live nearer to the village than
seven miles, and in a vile country, — it so fell out that the
poor gentleman was scarce a whole week together without
some piteous application for his beast; and as he was not an
unkind-hearted man, and every case was more pressing and
more distressful than the last, — as much as he loved his
beast, he had never a heart to refuse him; the upshot of
which was generally this, that his iiorse was either clapped,
or spavined, or greazed; — or he was twitter-boned, or
broken-winded, or something, in short, or other had befallen
him, which would let him carry no flesh; — so that he had
every nine or ten months a bad horse to get rid of, — and a
good horse to purchase in his stead.
What the loss in such a balance might amount to, com-
viunibus annis, I would leave to a special jury of sufferers in
the same traffic, to determine; — but let it be what it would,
the honest gentleman bore it for many years without a mur-
mur, till at length, by repeated ill accidents of the kind, he
found it necessary to take the thing under consideration; and
upon weighing the whole, and summing it up in his mind, he
found it not only disproportioned to his other expenses, but
withal so heavy an article in itself, as to disable him from
any other act of generosity in his parish: Besides this, he
considered that with half the sum thus galloped away, he
could do ten times as much good; — and what still weighed
more with him than all other considerations put together,
was this, that it confined all his charity into one particular
:hannel, and where, as he fancied, it was the least wanted,
namely to the child-bearing and child-getting part of his
parish; reserving notiiiiiLr f<>r thr impotent, — nothing for
i8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
the aged, — nothing for the many comfortless scenes he was
hourly called forth to visit, where poverty, and sickness, and
affliction dwelt together.
For these reasons he resolved to discontinue the expense;
and there appeared but two possible ways to extricate him
clearly out of it; — and these were, either to make it an
irrevocable law never more to lend his steed upon any
application whatever, — or else be content to ride the last
poor devil, such as they had made him, with all his aches
and infirmities, to the very end of the chapter.
As he dreaded his own constancy in the first — he very
cheerfully betook himself to the second; and though he
could very well have explained it, as I said, to his honour, —
yet, for that very reason, he had a spirit above it; choosing
rather to bear the contempt of his enemies, and the laughter
of his friends, than undergo the pain of telling a story,
which might seem a panegyric upon himself,
I have the highest idea of the spiritual and refined senti-
ments of this reverend gentleman, from this single stroke in
his character, which I think comes up to any of the honest
refinements of the peerless knight of La Mancha, whom, by
the bye, with all his follies, I love more, and would actually
have gone farther to have paid a visit to, than the greatest
hero of antiquity.
But this is not the moral of my story: The thing I had in
view was to shew the temper of the world in the whole of
this aflfair. — For you must know, that so long as this ex-
planation would have done the parson credit, — the devil a
soul could find it out, — I suppose his enemies would not,
and that his friends could not. — But no sooner did he
bestir himself in behalf of the midwife, and pay the ex-
penses of the ordinary licence to set her up, — but the whole
secret came out; every horse he had lost, and two horses
more than ever he had lost, with all the circumstances of
their destruction, were known and distinctly remembered. —
CHAP. II TRISTRAM SHAM)^'
19
The story ran like wildfire — "The parson had a returning
fit of pride which had just seized him; and he was going to
be well mounted once again in his life; and if it was so,
'twas plain as the sun at noon-dav, he would pocket the ex-
pense of the licence, ten times told, the very first year: — So
that ever)- body was left to judge what were his views in
this act of charity."
What were his views m this, and in every other action of
his life, — or rather what were the opinions which floated
in the brains of other people concerning it, was a thought
which too much floated in his own, and too often broke in
upon his rest, when he should have been sound asleep.
About ten years ago this gentleman had the good fortune
to be made entirely easy upon that score, — it being just so
long since he left his parish, — and the whole world at the
same time behind him, — and stands accountable to a Judge
of whom he will have no cause to complain.
But there is a fatality attends the actions of some men.
Order them as they will, they pass thro' a certain medium,
which so twists and refracts them from their true directions
— that, with all the titles, to praise which a rectitude of
heart can give, the doers of them are nevertheless forced
to live and die without it.
Of the truth of which, this gentleman was a painful ex-
ample. — But to know by what means this came to pass,
— and to make that knowledge of use to you, I insist upon it
that you read the two following chapters, which contain
such a sketch of his life and conversation, as will carry its
moral along with it. — When this is done, if nothing stops
us in our way, we will go on with the midwife.
Chapter i r
\ ORICK was this parson's name, and, what is vcrv remark-
able in it, (as appears from a most ancient account of the
family, wrote upon strong vellum, and now in perfect
20 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
preservation) it had been exactly so spelt for near, — I
was within an ace of saying nine hundred years; — but I
would not shake my credit in telling an improbable truth,
however indisputable in itself; — and therefore I shall con-
tent myself with only saying — It had been exactly so spelt,
without the least variation or transposition of a single letter,
for I do not know how long; which is more than I would
venture to say of one half of the best surnames in the king-
dom; which, in a course of years, have generally undergone
as many chops and changes as their owners. — Has this been
owing to the pride, or to the shame of the respective pro-
prietors? — In honest truth, I think sometimes to the one,
and sometimes to the other, just as the temptation has
wrought. But a villainous affair it is, and will one day so
blend and confound us altogether, that no one shall be
able to stand up and swear, "That his own great grandfather
was the man who did either this or that."
This evil had been sufficiently fenced against by the
prudent care of the Yorick family, and their religious
preservation of these records I quote, which do farther
inform us. That the family was originally of Danish extrac-
tion, and had been transplanted into England as early as
in the reign of Horwendillus, king of Denmark, in whose
court, it seems, an ancestor of this Mr. Yorick's, and from
whom he was lineally descended, held a considerable post
to the day of his death. Of what nature this considerable
post was, this record saith not; — It only adds, That, for
near two centuries, it had been totally abolished, as alto-
gether unnecessary, not only in that court, but in every
other court of the Christian world.
It has often come into my head, that this post could be no
other than that of the king's chief Jester; — and that Ham-
let's Yorick, in our Shakespeare, many of whose plays, you
know, are founded upon authenticated facts, was certainly
the very man.
cHAi'. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 21
I have not the time to look into Saxo-Grainmaticus's
Danish history to know the certainty <if this; — but if you
have leisure, and can easily get at the book, you may do it
full as well yourself.
I had just time, in my travels through Denmark with Mr.
Noddy's eldest son, whom, in the year 1741, I accompanied
as governor, riding along with him at a prodigious rate thro'
most parts of Europe, and of which original journey per-
formed by us two, a most delectable narrative will be given
in the progress of this work; I had just time, I say, and that
was all, to prove the truth of an observation made by a long
sojourner in that country; — namely, "That nature was
neither very lavish, nor was she very sting)' in her gifts of
genius and capacity to its inhabitants; — but, like a discreet
parent, was moderately kind to them all; observing such an
equal tenor in the distribution of her favours, as to bring
them, in those points, pretty near to a level with each other;
so that you will meet with few instances in that kingdom of
refined parts; but a great deal of good plain household un-
derstanding amongst all ranks of people, of which every
body has a share"; which is, I think, very right.
With us, you see, the case is quite dijfferent: — we are all
ups and downs in this matter; — you are a great genius; or
'tis fifty to one. Sir, you are a great dunce and a blockhead;
— not that there is a total want of intermediate steps, — no,
— we are not so irregular as that comes to; — but the two
extremes are more common, and in a greater degree in this
unsettled island, where nature, in her gifts and dispositions
of this kind, is most whimsical and capricious; fortune her-
self not being more so in the bequest of her goods and
chattels than she.
This is all that ever staggered my faith in regard to
Yorick's extraction, who, by what I can remember of him,
and by all the accounts I could ever get of him, seemed not
to have had one single drop of Danish blood in his whole
22 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
crasis; in nine hundred years, it might possibly have all run
out: — I will not philosophize one moment with you about it;
for happen how it would, the fact was this: — That instead
of that cold phlegm and exact regularity of sense and
humours, you would have looked for, in one so extracted; —
he was, on the contrary, as mercurial and sublimated a com-
position, — as heteroclite a creature in all his declensions; —
with as much life and whim, and ga'ite de coeur about him,
as the kindliest climate could have engendered and put
together. With all this sail, poor Yorick carried not one
ounce of ballast; he was utterly unpractised in the world;
and, at the age of twenty-six, knew just about as well how
to steer his course in it, as a romping, unsuspicious girl of
thirteen: So that upon his first setting out, the brisk gale of
his spirits, as you will imagine, ran him foul ten times in a
day of somebody's tackling; and as the grave and more slow-
paced were oftenest in his way, — you may likewise imagine,
'twas with such he had generally the ill luck to get the most
entangled. For aught I know there might be some mixture
of unlucky wit at the bottom of such Fracas: — For, to speak
the truth, Yorick had an invincible dislike and opposition
in his nature to gravity; — not to gravity as such; — for
where gravity was wanted, he would be the most grave or
serious of mortal men for days and weeks together; — but
he was an enemy to the affectation of it, and declared
open war against it, only as it appeared a cloak for igno-
rance, or for folly: and then, whenever it fell in his way,
however sheltered and protected, he seldom gave it much
quarter.
Sometimes, in his wild way of talking, he would say, that
Gravity was an errant scoundrel, and he would add, — of the
most dangerous kind too, — because a sly one; and that he
verily believed, more honest, well-meaning people were
bubbled out of their goods and money by it in one twelve-
month, than by pocket-picking and shop-lifting in seven
CHAP. 11 TRISTRAM SHANDY 23
In the naked temper which a nurr\ heart discovered, he
would say there was no danger, — hut to itself; — whereas the
very essence of gravity was design, and consequently dc
ceit; — 'twas a taught trick to gain credit of the world for
more sense and knowledge than a man was worth ; and that,
with all its pretensions, — it was no hetter, hut often worse,
than what a French wit had long ago defined it, — viz. "A
mysterious carriage of the body to cover the defects of the
mind"; — which definition of gravity, Yorick, with great
imprudence, would say, deserved to be wrote in letters of
gold.
But, in plain truth, he was a man unhackneyed and un-
practised in the world, and was altogether as indiscreet and
foolish on every other subject of discourse where policy is
wont to impress restraint. Yorick had no impression but
one, and that was what arose from the nature of the deed
spoken of; which impression he would usually translate into
plain English without any periphrasis; — and too oft with-
out much distinction of either person, time, or place; — so
that when mention was made of a pitiful or an ungenerous
proceeding — he never gave himself a moment's time to re-
flect who was the hero of the piece, — what his station, — or
how far he had power to hurt him hereafter; — but if it was
a dirty action, — without more ado, — The man was a dirty
fellow, — and so on. — And as his comments had usually the
ill fate to be terminated either in a bon mot, or to be en-
livened throughout with some drollery or humour of expres-
sion, it gave wings to Yorick's indiscretion. In a word, tho'
he never sought, yet, at the same time, as he seldom shunned
occasions of saying what came uppermost, and without much
ceremony: — he had but too manv temptations in life, of
scattering his wit and his humour, — his gibes and his jests
about him. — They were not lost for want of gathering.
What were the consequences, and what was Yorick's
catastrophe thereupon, you will read \n the next chapter.
24 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
Chafter 1 2
The Mortgager and Mortgagee differ the one from the
other, not more in length of purse, than the Jester and Jestee
do, in that of memory. But in this the comparison between
them runs, as the scholiasts call it, upon all-four; which, by
the bye, is upon one or two legs more than some of the best
of Homer's can pretend to; — namely, That the one raises
a sum, and the other a laugh at your expense, and thinks no
more about it. Interest, however, still runs on in both cases;
— the periodical or accidental payments of it, just serving to
keep the memory of the affair alive; till, at length, in some
evil hour, — pop comes the creditor upon each, and by de-
manding principal upon the spot, together with full interest
to the very day, makes them both feel the full extent of
their obligations.
As the reader (for I hate your //j) has a thorough knowl-
edge of human nature, I need not say more to satisfy him,
that my Hero could not go on at this rate without some slight
experience of these incidental mementos. To speak the
truth, he had wantonly involved himself in a multitude of
small book-debts of this stamp, which, notwithstanding Eu-
genius's frequent advice, he too much disregarded; think-
ing, that as not one of them was contracted thro' any
malignancy; — but, on the contrary, from an honesty of
mind, and a mere jocundity of humour, they would all of
them be crossed out in course.
Eugenius would never admit this; and would often tell
him, that one day or other he would certainly be reckoned
with; and he would often add, in an accent of sorrowful
apprehension, — to the uttermost mite. To which Yorick,
with his usual carelessness of heart, would as often answer
with a pshaw! — and if the subject was started in the fields,
— with a hop, skip, and a jump at the end of it; but if close
pent up in the social chimney-corner, where the culprit was
CHAR 12 TRISTRAM SHANDY 25
barricadocd in, with a table and a couple of arm-chairs, and
could not so readily fly off in a tangent, — Eugenius would
then go on with his lecture upon discretion in words to this
purpose, though somewhat better put together.
Trust me, dear Yorick, this unwary pleasantry of thine
will sooner or later bring thee into scrapes and difficulties,
which no after- wit can extricate thee out of. — In these
sallies, too oft, I see, it happens, that a person laughed at,
considers himself in the light of a person injured, with all
the rights of such a situation belonging to him; and when
thou viewest him in that light too, and reckons up his friends,
his family, his kindred and allies, — and musters up with
them the many recruits which will list under him from a
sense of common danger; — 'tis no extravagant arithmetic to
say, that for cvcrj' ten jokes, — thou hast got an hundred
enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of
wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them,
thou wilt never be convinced it is so.
I cannot suspect it in the man whom I esteem, that there
is the least spur from spleen or malevolence of intent in
these sallies — I believe and know them to be truly honest and
sportive: — But consider, my dear lad, that fools cannot dis-
tinguish this, — and that knaves will not: and thou knowest
not what it is, either to provoke the one, or to make merry
with the other: — whenever they associate for mutual de-
fence, depend upon it, they will carry on the war in such
a manner against thee, my dear friend, as to make thee
heartily sick of it, and of thy life too.
Revenge from some baneful corner shall level a tale of
dishonour at thee, which no innocence of heart or integrity
of conduct shall set right. — The fortunes of thy house shall
totter, — thy character, which led the way to them, shall bleed
on every side of it, — thy faith questioned, — thy works belied,
— thy wit forgotten, — thy learning trampled on. To wind
up the last scene of thy tragedy, Cruelty and Cowardice,
26 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
twin ruffians, hired and set on by Malice in the dark, shall
strike together at all thy infirmities and mistakes: — The best
of us, my dear lad, lie open there, — and trust me, — trust
me, Yorick, when to gratify a private appetite, it is once re-
solved upon, that an innocent and an helpless creature shall
be sacrificed, 'tis an easy matter to pick up sticks enough from
any thicket where it has strayed, to make a fire to offer it
up with.
Yorick scarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his des-
tiny read over to him, but with a tear stealing from his eye,
and a promissory look attending it, that he was resolved,
for the time to come, to ride his tit with more sobriety. —
Kut, alas, too late! — a grand confederacy, with ***** and
***** at the head of it, was formed before the first predic-
tion of it. — The whole plan of the attack, just as Eugenius
had foreboded, was put in execution all at once, — with so
little mercy on the side of the allies, — and so little sus-
picion in Yorick, of what was carrying on against him, —
that when he thought, good easy man! full surely prefer-
ment was o' ripening, — thev had smote his root, and then
he fell, as many a worthy man had fallen before him.
Yorick, however, fought it out with all imaginable gal-
lantry for some time; till, overpowered by numbers, and
worn out at length by the calamities of the war, — but more
so, by the ungenerous manner in which it was carried on, —
he threw down the sword; and though he kept up his spirits
in appearance to the last, he died, nevertheless, as was
generally thought, quite broken-hearted.
What inclined Eugenius to the same opinion was as
follows:
A few hours before Yorick breathed his last, Eugenius
stept in with an intent to take his last sight and last farewell
of him. Upon his drawing Yorick's curtain, and asking
liow he felt himself, Yorick looking up in his face took
hold of his hand, — and after thanking him for the man\-
CHAP. 12 TRISTRAM SHANDY 27
tokens of his friendship to him, for which, he said, if it was
their fate to meet hereafter, — he would thank him again
and again, — he told him, he was within a few hours of
giving his enemies the slip for ever. — I hope not, answered
Eugenius, with tears trickling down his cheeks, and with the
tenderest tone that ever man spoke. — I hope not, Yorick,
said he. — Yorick replied, with a look up, and a gentle
squeeze of Eugenius's hand, and that was all, — but it cut
Eugenius to his heart. — Come, — come, "\'orick, quoth Eu-
genius, wiping his eyes, and summoning up the man within
him, — my dear lad, be comforted, — let not all thy spirits
and fortitude forsake thee at this crisis when thou most
wants them; — who knows what resources are in store, and
what the power of God may yet do for theer — Yorick laid
his hand upon his heart, and gently shook his head; — For
my part, continued Eugenius, crying bitterly as he uttered
the words, — I declare I know not, Yorick, how to part with
thee, and would gladly flatter my hopes, added Eugenius,
cheering up his voice, that there is still enough left of thee
to make a bishop, and that I mav live to see it. — I beseech
thee, Eugenius, quoth '^'orick, taking off his night-cap as well
as he could with his left hand, — his right being still grasped
close in that of Eugenius, — I beseech thee to take a view of
my head. — I see nothing that ails it, replitd Eugenius.
Then, alas! mv friend, said Yorick, let me tt-11 \()u, that 'tis
so bruised and mis-shapened with the blows which *****
and *****j and some others have so unhandsomely given mc
in the dark, that I might say with Sancho Panc^a, that should
I recover, and ".Mitres thereupon be suffered to rain down
from heaven as thick as hail, not one of them would fit it."
— "^'orick's last breath was hanging upon his trembling lips
ready to depart as he uttered this: — yet still it was uttered
with something of a Cervantick tone; — and as he spoke it,
Eugenius could perceive a stream of lambent fire lighted up
for a moment in his eyes; — faint picture of those flashes
28
TRISTRAM SHANDY
BOOK I
of his spirit, which (as Shakespeare said of his ancestor) Avere
wont to set the table in a roar!
Eugenius was convinced from this, that the heart of his
friend was broke: he squeezed his hand, — and then walked
softly out of the room, weeping as he walked. Yorick fol-
lowed Eugenius with his eyes to the door, — he then closed
them, — and never opened them more.
He lies buried in the corner of his churchyard, in the
parish of , under a plain marble slab, which his friend
Eugenius, by leave of his executors, laid upon his grave,
with no more than these three words of inscription, serving
both for his epitaph and elegy.
Alas, poor YORICK!
Ten times a day has Yorick's ghost the consolation to hear
his monumental inscription read over with such a variety of
plaintive tones, as denote a general pity and esteem for him;
— a foot-way crossing the church-yard close by the side of
his grave, — not a passenger goes by without stopping to cast
a look upon it, — and sighing as he walks on,
Alas, poor YORICK!
CHAP. 13 TRISTRAM SHANDY 29
Chafter /j
It is so long since the reader of this rhapsodical work has
been parted from the midwife, that it is high time to mention
her again to him, merely to put him in mind that there is
such a body still in the world, and whom, upon the best
judgment I can form upon my own plan at present, — I am
going to introduce to him for good and all : But as fresh
matter may be started, and much unexpected business fall
out betwixt the reader and myself, which may require im-
mediate dispatch; — 'twas right to take care that the poor
woman sliould not be lost in the meantime; — because when
she is wanted we can no way do without her.
I think I told you that this good woman was a person of
no small note and consequence throughout our whole village
and township; — that her fame had spread itself to the very
out-edge and circumference of that circle of importance, of
which kind every soul living, whether he has a shirt to his
back or no, — has one surrounding him; — which said circle,
by the way, whenever 'tis said that such a one is of great
weight and importance in the world, — I desire may be
enlarged or contracted in your worship's fancy, in a com-
pound ratio of the station, profession, knowledge, abilities,
height and depth ( measuring both ways) of the personage
brought before you.
In the present case, if I remember, I fixed it about four
or five miles, which not only comprehended the whole parish,
but extended itself to two or three of the adjacent hamlets in
the skirts of the next parish ; which made a considerable thing
of it. I must add. That she was, moreover, very well looked
on at one large grange-house, and some other odd houses and
farms within two or three miles, as I said, from the smoke
of her own chimney: — But I must here, once for all, inform
you, that all this will be more exactly delineated and ex-
plained in a map, now in the hands of the engraver, which
30
TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
with many other pieces and developments of this work, will
be added to the end of the twentieth volume, — not to swell
the work, — I detest the thought of such a thing; — but by
way of commentary, scholium, illustration, and key to such
passages, incidents, or innuendos as shall be thought to be
cither of private interpretation, or of dark or doubtful mean-
ing, after my life and my opinions shall have been read
over (now don't forget the meaning of the word) by all
the world; — which, betwixt you and mc, and in spite of all
the gentlemen-reviewers in Great Britain, and of all that
their worships shall undertake to write or say to the con-
trary, — I am determined shall be the case. — I need not tell
your worship, that all this is spoken in confidence.
Chapter 14
Upon looking into my mother's marriage-settlement, in
order to satisfy myself and reader in a point necessary to be
cleared up, before we could proceed any farther in this his-
tory; — I had the good fortune to pop upon the very thing I
wanted before I had read a day and a half straight forwards,
— it might have taken me up a month; — which shews plainly
that when a man sits down to write a history, — tho' it be
but the history of Jack Hickathrift or Tom Thumb, he
knows no more than his heels what lets and confounded
hindrances he is to meet with in his way, — or what a dance
be may be led, by one excursion or another, before all is
over. Could a historiographer drive on his history, as a
muleteer drives on his mule, — straight forward; — for in-
stance, from Rome all the way to Loretto, without ever
once turning his head aside either to the right hand or to
the left, — he might venture to foretell you to an hour when
he should get to his journey's end: — but the thing is, morally
speaking, impossible: P\jr, if he is a man of the least spirit
he will have fifty deviations from a straight line to make
with this or that party as he goes along, which he can no
CHAP. 15 TRISTRAM SHANDY 31
ways avoid. He will have views and prospects to himself
perpetually soliciting his eye, which he can no more help
standing still to look at than he can fly, he will moreover
have various
Accounts to reconcile:
Anecdotes to pick up:
Inscriptions to make out:
Stories to weave in:
Traditions to sift:
Personages to call upon :
Panegyrics to paste up at this door;
Pasquinades at that: — All which hoth the man and his
mule are quite exempt from. To sum up all; there are
archives at every stage to be looked into, and rolls, records,
documents, and endless genealogies, which justice ever and
anon calls him back to stay the reading of: — In short, there
is no end of it; — for my own part, I declare I have been at
it these six weeks, making all the speed I possibly could,^
and am not vet born: — I have just been able, and that's all,
to tell you when it happened, but not hozv ; — so that you see
the thing is yet far from being accomplished.
These unforeseen stoppages, which I own I had no con-
ception of when I first set out; but which, I am convinced
now, will rather increase than diminish as I advance, — have
struck out a hint which I am resolved to follow; — and that
is, — not to be in a hurry; but to go on leisurely, writing and
publishing two volumes of my life every year; — which, if I
am suffered to go on quietly, and can make a tolerable
bargain with my bookseller, I shall continue to do as long
as I live.
Chapter 75
The article in my mother's marriage-settlement, which I
told the reader I was at the pains to search for, and whicli,
now that I have found it, I think proper to Lay before him, — .
32 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
is so much more fully expressed in the deed itself, than ever
I can pretend to do it, that it would be barbarity to take it
out of the lawyer's hand: — It is as follows.
"i^nb tf)i£f Snticnture further WHtntsattf), That the
said Walter Shandy, merchant, in consideration of the said
intended marriage to be had, and, by God's blessing, to be
well and truly solemnized and consummated between the
said Walter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux aforesaid, and
divers other good and valuable causes and considerations him
thereunto specially moving, — doth grant, covenant, con-
descend, consent, conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and
with John Dixon, and James Turner, Esqrs., the above-
named Trustees, &c, &c. — tO tDlt, — That in case it should
hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise come to
pass, — That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, shall have
left off business before the time or times, that the said
Elizabeth Mollineux shall, according to the course of nature
or otherwise, have left off bearing and bringing forth chil-
dren; — and that, in consequence of the said Walter Shandy
having so left off business, he shall in despite, and against
the free-will, consent, and good-liking of the said Elizabeth
Mollineux, — make a departure from the city of London, in
order to retire to, and dwell upon, his estate at Shandy Hall,
in the county of , or at any other country-seat, castle,
hall, mansion-house, messuage or grange-house, now pur-
chased, or hereafter to be purchased, or upon any part or
parcel thereof: — That then, and as often as the said Eliza-
beth Mollineux shall happen to be enceint with child or
children severally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten,
upon the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, during her
said coverture, — he the said Walter Shandy shall, at his
own proper cost and charges, and out of his own proper
monies, upon good and reasonable notice, which is hereby
agreed to be within six weeks of her the said Elizabeth Mol-
lineux's full reckoning, or time of supposed and computed
CHAP. 15 TRISTRAM SHANDY 33
delivery, — pa) , or cause to be paid, the sum oi one hundred
and twenty pounds of good and lawful money, to John
Dixon, and James Turner, Esqrs. or assigns, — upon trust
and confidence, and for and unto the use and uses, intent,
end, and purpose following: — ^fjat ii tO £(ap, — 7'hat
the said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be
paid into the hands of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, or to
be otherwise applied by them the said Trustees, for the well
and truly hiring of one coach, with able and sufficient
horses, to carry and convey the body of the said Elizabeth
Mollineux, and the child or children which she shall be
then and there enceint and pregnant with, — unto the city of
London; and for the further paying and defraying of all
other incidental costs, charges, and expenses whatsoever, —
in and about, and for, and relating to, her said intended
delivery and Iving-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof.
And that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall and may, from
time to time, and at all such time and times as are here
covenanted and "agreed upon, — peaceably and quietly hire
the said coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and
regress throughout her journey, in and from the said coach,
according to the tenor, true intent, and meaning of these
presents, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molesta-
tion, discharge, hindrance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, in-
terruption, or incumbrance whatsoever. — And that it shall
moreover be lawful to and for the said Elizabeth Mollineux,
from time to time, and as oft or often as she shall well and
truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to the time hereto-
fore stipulated and agreed upon, — to live and reside in such
place or places, and in such family or families, and with
such relations, friends, and other persons within the said
city of London, as she at her own will and pleasure, not-
withstanding her present coverture, and as if she was a
jcmmr sole and unmarried, — shall think fit. — 3lnb tfjlfi
Snbenture f urttjcr tDltnefiSCtfj, That for the more effectually
34 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
carrying of the said covenant into execution, the said Walter
Shandy, merchant, doth hereby grant, bargain, sell, release,
and confirm unto the said John Dixon, and James Turner,
Esqrs. their heirs, executors, and assigns, in their actual
possession now being, by virtue of an indenture of bargain
and sale for a year to them the said John Dixon, and James
Turner, Esqrs. by him the said Walter Shandy, merchant,
thereof made;- which said bargain and sale for a year,
bears date the day next before the date of these presents, and
by force and virtue of the statute for transferring of uses
into possession, — ^U that the manor and lordship of
Shandy, in the county of , with all the rights, members,
and appurtenances thereof; and all and every the messuages,
houses, buildings, barns, stables, orchards, gardens, back-
sides, tofts, crofts, garths, cottages, lands, meadows, feed-
ings, pastures, marshes, commons, woods, underwoods,
drains, fisheries, v/aters, and water-courses; ^-together with
all rents, reversions, services, annuities, fee-farms, knights'
fees, views of frankpledge, escheats, reliefs, mines, quarries,
goods and chattels of felons and fugitives, felons of them-
selves, and put in exigent, deodands, free warrens, and all
other royalties and seigniories, rights and jurisdictions, privi-
leges and hereditaments whatsoever. — ^nbal£>0 the advow-
son, donation, presentation, and free disposition of the
rectory or parsonage of Shandy aforesaid, and all and ever*,-
the tenths, tithes, glebe-lands." — In three words — "My
mother was to lay in, (if she chose it) in London."
But in order to put a stop to the practice of any untair
play on the part of my mother, which a marriage-article of
this nature too manifestly opened a door to, and which
indeed had never been thought of at all, hut for my uncle
Toby Shandy; — a clause was added in security of my
father, which was this: — "That in case my mother here-
after should, at any time, put my father to the trouble and
expense of a London journey, upon false cries and tokens; —
CHAP. i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 35
that for every such instance, she should forfeit all the right
and title which the covenant gave her to the next turn; —
but to no more, — and so on, toties quoties, in as effectual a
manner, as if such a covenant betwixt them had not been
made." — This, by the way, was no more than what was
reasonable; — and vet, as reasonable as it was, I have ever
thought it hard that the whole weight of the article should
have fallen entirely, as it did, upon myself.
But I was begot and born to misfortunes: — for my poor
mother, whether it was wind or water — or a compound of
both, — or neither; — or whether it was simplv the mere
swell of imagination and fancy in her; — or how far a
strong wish and desire to have it so, might mislead her
judgment: — in short, whether she was deceived or deceiv-
ing in this matter, it no way becomes me to decide. The
fact was this. That in the latter end of September 17 17,
which was the year before I was born, mv mother having
carried my father up to town much against the grain, — he
peremptorily insisted upon the clause; — so that I was
doomed, by marriage-articles, to have my nose squeezed as
flat to my face, as if the destinies had actually spun mc
without one.
How this event came about, — and what a train of vexa-
tious disappointments, in one stage or other of my life, have
pursued me from the mere loss, or rather compression, of
this one single member, — shall be laid before the reader all
in due time.
Chapter 1 6
Mv father, as any body may naturally imagine, came down
with my mother into the country, in but a pettish kind of a
humour. The first twenty or five-and-twenty miles he did
nothing in the world but fret and teaze himself, and indeed
my mother too, about the cursed expense, which he said
might every shilling of it haye been saved; — then what
36 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
vexed him more than every thing else was, the provoking
time of the year, — which, as I told you, was towards the
end of September, when his wall-fruit and green gages
especially, in which he was very curious, were just ready
for pulling: — "Had he been whistled up to London, upon
a Tom Fool's errand, in any other month of the whole
year, he should not have said three words about it."
For the next two whole stages, no subject would go down,
but the heavy blow he had sustained from the loss of a son,
whom it seems he had fully reckoned upon in his mind, and
registered down in his pocket-book, as a second staff for his
old age, in case Bobby should fail him. The disappointment
of this, he said, was ten times more to a wise man, than all
the money which the journey, etc., had cost him, put to-
gether, — rot the hundred and twenty pounds, — he did not
mind it a rush.
From Stilton, all the way to Grantham, nothing in the
whole affair provoked him so much as the condolences of his
friends, and the foolish figure they should both make at
church, the first Sunday; — of which, in the satirical vehe-
mence of his wit, now sharpened a little by vexation, he
would give so many humorous and provoking descriptions, —
and place his rib and self in so many tormenting lights and
attitudes in the face of the whole congregation; — that my
mother declared, these two stages were so truly tragi-comical,
that she did nothing but laugh and cry in a breath, from
one end to the other of them all the way.
From Grantham, till they had crossed the Trent, my
father was out of all kind of patience at the vile trick and
imposition which he fancied my mother had put upon him
in this affair — "Certainly," he would say to himself, over
and over again, "the woman could not be deceived herself —
if she could, — what weakness!" — tormenting word! —
which led his imagination a thorny dance, and before all was
over, played the deuce and all with him; — for sure as ever
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 37
the uord weakness was uttered, and struck full upon his
brain — so sure it set him upon running divisions upon how
many kinds of weaknesses there were; — that there was such
a thing as weakness of the body, — as well as weakness of the
mind, — and then he would do nothing but syllogize within
liimself for a stage or two together. How far the cause of
all these vexations might, t)r might not, have arisen out of
himself.
In short, he had so many little subjects of disquietude
springing out of this one affair, ail fretting successively in
his mind as they rose up in it, that my mother, whatever was
her journey up, had but an uneasy journey of it down. — In
a word, as she complained to my uncle Toby, he would
have tired out the patience of any flesh alive.
Chapter 1 7
Though my father travelled homewards, as I told you, in
none of the best of moods, — pshawing and pishing all the
way down, — yet he had the complaisance to keep the worst
part of the story still to himself; — which was the resolution
he had taken of doing himself the justice, which my uncle
Toby's clause in the marriage-settlement empowered him;
nor was it till the very night in which I was begot, which wa&
thirteen months after, that she had the least intimation of
his design: \\hen mv father, liappening, as you remember,
to be a little chagrined and out of temper, — took occasion
as they lay chatting gravely in bed afterwards, talking over
what was to come, — to let her know that she must accommo-
date herself as well as she could to the bargain made between
them in their marriage-deeds; which was to lie-in of her
next child in the country, to balance the last year's journey.
My father was a gentleman of many virtues, — but he
had a strong spice of that in his temper, which might, or
might not, add to the number. — 'Tis known by the name of
perseverance in a good cause, — and of obstinacy in a bad
38 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
one: Of this my mother had so much knowledge, that she
knew 'twas to no purpose to make any remonstrance, — so
she e'en resolved to sit down quietly, and make the most
of it.
Chapter i8
As the point was that night agreed, or rather determined,
that my mother should lie-in of me in the country, she took
her measures accordingly; for which purpose, when she was
three days, or thereabouts, gone with child, she began to
cast her eyes upon the midwife, whom you have so often
heard me mention; and before the week was well got
round, as the famous Dr. Manningham was not to be had,
she had to come to a final determination in her mind, —
notwithstanding there was a scientific operator within so
near a call as eight miles of us, and who, moreover, had
expressly wrote a five shillings book upon the subject of
midwifery, in which he had exposed, not only the blunders
of the sisterhood itself, — but had likewise super-added many
curious improvements for the quicker extraction of the
foetus in cross births, and some other cases of danger, which
belay us in getting into the world; notwithstanding all this,
my mother, I say, was absolutely determined to trust her
life, and mine with it, into no soul's hand but this old
woman's only. — Nov/ this I like; — when we cannot get at
the very thing we wish — never to take up with the next best
in degree to it: — no; that's pitiful beyond description; — it
is no more than a week from this very day, in which I am
now writing this book for the edification of the world; —
which is March 9, 1759, — that my dear, dear Jenny, observ-
ing I looked a little grave, as she stood cheapening a silk of
five-and-twenty shillings a yard, — told the mercer, she was
sorry she had given him so much trouble; — and immediately
went and bought herself a yard-wide stuflF of ten-pence a
yard, — 'Tis the duplication of one and the same greatness
CHAP. i8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 39
of soul; only what lessened the honour of it, somewhat, in
my mother's case, was that she could not heroine it into so
violent and hazardous an extreme, as one in her situation
might have wished, because the old midwife had really
some little claim to be depended upon, — as much, at least,
as success could give her; having, in the course of her prac-
tice of near twenty years in the parish, brought every mother's
son of them into the world without any one slip or accident
which could fairly be laid to her account.
These facts, tho' they had their weight, yet did not alto-
gether satisfy some few scruples and uneasiness which hung
upon my father's spirits in relation to this choice. — To say
nothing of the natural workings of humanity and justice —
or of the yearnings of parental and connubial love, all
which prompted him to leave as little to hazard as possible
in a case of this kind; — he felt himself concerned in a
particular manner, that all should go right in the present
case; — from the accumulated sorrow he lay open to, should
any evil betide his wife and child in lying-in at Shandy-
Hall. — He knew the world judged by events and would add
to his afflictions in such a misfortune, by loading him with
the whole blame of it. — "Alas o'day; — had Mrs. Shandy,
poor gentlewoman! had but her wish in going up to town
just to lie-in and come down again; — which, they say, she
begged and prayed for upon her bare knees, — and which, in
my opinion, considering the fortune which Mr. Shandy got
with her, — was no such mighty matter to have complied
with, the lady and her babe might both of 'em have been
alive at this hour."
This exclamation, my father knew, was unanswerable;
— and yet, it was not merely to shelter himself, — nor was it
altogether for the care of his offspring and wife that he
seemed so extremely anxious about this point; — my father
had extensive views of things, — and stood moreover, as he
thought, deeply concerned in it for the public good, from the
40 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
dread he entertained of the bad uses an ill-fated instance
might be put to.
He was very sensible that all political writers upon the
subject had unanimously agreed and lamented, from the
beginning of Queen Elizabeth's reign down to his own
time, that the current of men and money towards the
metropolis, upon one frivolous errand or another, — set in
so strong, — as to become dangerous to our civil rights, —
though, by the bye, — a current was not the image he took
most delight in, — a distemper was here his favourite meta-
phor, and he would run it down into a perfect allegory, by
maintaining it was identically the same in the body national
as in the body natural, where the blood and spirits were
driven up into the head faster than they could find their
ways down; — a stoppage of circulation must ensue, which
was death in both cases.
There was little danger, he would say, of losing our lib-
erties by French politics or French invasions; — nor was he
so much in pain of a consumption from the mass of cor-
rupted matter and ulcerated humours in our constitution,
which he hoped was not so bad as it was imagined; — but he
verily feared, that in some violent push, we should go off,
all at once, in a state-apoplexy; — and then he would say,
"The Lord have mercy upon us all."
My father was never able to give the history of this dis-
temper, — without the remedy along with it.
"Was I an absolute prince," he would say, pulling up his
breeches with both his hands, as he rose from his arm-chair,
"I would appoint able judges, at every avenue of my metrop-
olis, who should take cognizance of every fool's business
who came there; — and if, upon a fair and candid hearing, it
appeared not of weight sufficient to leave his own home, and
come up, bag and baggage, with his wife and children,
farmer's sons, etc. etc., at his backside, they should all be
CHAP. 1 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY' 41
sent back, from constable to constable, like vagrants as thcv
were, to the place of their legal settlements. By this means
I shall take care, that mv metropolis tottered not thro' its
own weight; — that the head be no longer too big for the
body; — that the extremes, now wasted and pinned in, be
restored to their due share of nourishment, and regain with
it their natural strength and beauty: — I would effectually
provide. That the meadows and corn-fields of my dominions,
should laugh and sing; — that good cheer and hospitality
flourish once more; — and that such weight and influence be
put thereby into the hands of the Squirality of my kingdom,
as should counterpoise what I perceive my Nobility are now
taking from them.
"Why are there so few palaces and gentlemen's seats," he
would ask, with some emotion, as he walked across the room,
"throughout so many delicious provinces in France?
Whence is it that the few remaining Chateaus amongst
them are so dismantled, — so unfurnished, and in so ruinous
and desolate a condition? — Because, Sir," (he would say)
"in that kingdom no man has any countr)'-interest to sup-
port; — the little interest of any kind which any man has
anywhere in it, is concentrated in the court, and the looks
of the Grand Monarch: by the sunshine of whose counte-
nance, or the clouds which pass across it, every French man
lives or dies."
Another political reason which prompted my father so
strongly to guard against the least evil accident in my
mother's lying-in in the country-, — was. That any such
instance would infallibly throw a balance of power, too
great already, into the weaker vessels of the gentry, in his
own, or higher stations; — which, with the many other
usurped rights which that part of the constitution was hourly
establishing, — would, in the end, prove fatal to the mon-
archical system of domestic government established in the
first creation of things by God.
42 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
In this point he was entirely of Sir Robert Filmer's
opinion, That the plans and institutions of the greatest
monarchies in the eastern parts of the world, were, origi-
nally, all stolen from that admirable pattern and prototype
of this household and paternal power; — which, for a cen-
tury, he said, and more, had gradually been degenerating
away into a mixed government; — the form of M'hich, how-
ever desirable in great combinations of the species, — was
very troublesome in small ones, — and seldom produced any-
thing, that he saw, but sorrow and confusion.
For all these reasons, private and public, put together, —
my father was for having the man-midwife by all means, —
my mother by no means. My father begged and intreated,
she would for once recede from her prerogative in this mat-
ter, and suffer him to choose for her; — my mother, on the
contrary, insisted upon her privilege in this matter, to choose
for herself, — and have no mortal's help but the old
woman's. — What could my father do? He was almost
at his wit's end; — talked it over with her in all moods; —
placed his arguments in all lights; — argued the matter with
her like a christian, — like a heathen, — like a husband, — like
a father, — like a patriot, — like a man: — My mother
answered every thing only like a woman; which was a
little hard upon her; — for as she could not assume and
fight it out behind such a variety of characters, — 'twas no
fair match: — 'twas seven to one. — What could my mother
do? — She had the advantage (otherwise she had been cer-
tainly overpowered) of a small reinforcement of chagrin
personal at the bottom, which bore her up, and enabled her
to dispute the affair with my father with so equal an advan-
tage, — that both sides sung Te Deum. In a word, my
mother was to have the old woman, — and the operator
was to have licence to drink a bottle of wine with my father
and my uncle Toby Shandy in the back parlour, — for which
bo was to be paid five guineas.
CHAP. 1 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 43
I must beg leave, before I finish this chapter, to enter a
caveat in the breast of my fair reader; — and it is this, —
Not to take it absolutely for granted, from an unguarded
word or two which I have dropped in it, — "That I am a
married man." — I own, the tender appellation of my dear,
dear Jennv, — with some other strokes of conjugal knowl-
edge, interspersed here and there, might, naturally enough,
have misled the most candid judge in the world into such a
determination against me. — All I plead for, in this case.
Madam, is strict justice, and that you do so much of it, to
me as well as to yourself, — as not to prejudge, or receive
such an impression of me, till you have better evidence, than,
I am positive, at present can be produced against me. — Not
that I can be so vain or unreasonable. Madam, as to desire
vou should therefore think, that my dear, dear Jenny is my
kept mistress; — no, — that would be flattering my character
in the other extreme, and giving it an air of freedom, which,
perhaps, it has no kind of right to. All I contend for, is
the utter impossibility-, for some volumes, that you, or the
most penetrating spirit upon earth, should know how this
matter really stands. — It is not impossible, but that my dear,
dear Jenny! tender as the appellation is, may be my child. —
Consider, — I was born in the year eighteen. — Nor is there
anything unnatural or extravagant in the supposition, that
my dear Jenny may be my friend. — Friend! — My friend.
— Surely, Madam, a friendship between the two sexes may
subsist, and be supported without — Fy! Mr. Shandy: —
Without any thing. Madam, but that tender and delicious
sentiment, which ever mixes in friendship, where there is a
difference of sex. Let me intreat you to study the pure and
sentimental parts of the best French Romances; — it will
really. Madam, astonish you to see with what a variety of
chaste expressions this delicious sentiment, which I have the
honour to speak of, is dressed out.
U TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
Chapter ig
I WOULD sooner undertake to explain the hardest problem in
geometry, than pretend to account for it, that a gentleman
of my father's great good sense, — knowing, as the reader
must have observed him, and curious too in philosophy, —
wise also in political reasoning, — and in polemical (as he
will find) no way ignorant, — could be capable of enter-
taining a notion in his head, so out of the common track, —
that I fear the reader, when I come to mention it to him,
if he is the least of a choleric temper, will immediately
throw the book by; if mercurial, he will laugh most heartily
at it; — and if he is of a grave and saturnine case, he will,
at first sight, absolutely condemn as fanciful and extrava-
gant; and that was in respect to the choice and imposition
of christian names, on which he thought a great deal more
depended than what superficial minds were capable of con-
<:eiving.
His opinion, in this matter, was, That there was a strange
kind of magic bias, which good or bad names, as he called
them, irresistibly impressed upon our characters and conduct.
The hero of Cervantes argued not the point with more
seriousness, — nor had he more faith, — or more to say on
the powers of necromancy in dishonouring his deeds, — or on
Dulcinea's name, in shedding lustre upon them, than my
father had on those of Trismegistus or Archimedes, on the
one hand — or of Nyky and Simkin on the other. How manv
Caesars and Pompeys, he would say, by mere inspiration of
the names, have been rendered worthy of them? And
how many, he would add, are there, who might have done
exceeding well in the world, had not their characters and
spirits been totally depressed and Nicodemused into nothing.^
I see plainly, Sir, by your looks, (or as the case happened)
my father would say— that you do not heartily subscribe to
this opinion of mine, — which, to those, he would add, who
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 45
have not carefully sifted it to the bottom, — I own has an
air more of fancy than of solid reasoning in it; — and yet,
my dear Sir, if I may presume to know your character, I am
morally assured, I should hazard little in stating a case to
you, — not as a party in the dispute, — hut as a judge, and
trusting my appeal upon it to your own good sense and
candid disquisition in this matter; — you are a person free
from any narrow prejudices of education as most men; —
and, if I may presume to penetrate farther into you, — of a
liberality of genius above bearing down an opinion, merely
because it wants friends. Your son, — your dear son, — from
whose sweet and open temper you have so much to expect. —
Your Billy, Sir! — would you, for the world, have called
him Judas? — Would you, my dear Sir, he would say, laying
his hand upon your breast, with the genteelest address, —
and in that soft and irresistible piano of voice, which the
nature of the argumentiitn ad homlnem absolutely re-
quires, — Would you, Sir, if a Jew of a godfather had
proposed the name for your child, and offered you his purse
along with it, would you have consented to such a desecra-
tion of him? — O my God! he would say, looking up, if I
know your temper right. Sir — you are incapable of it; —
)ou would have trampled upon the offer; — you would have
thrown the temptation at the tempter's head with ab-
horrence.
Your greatness of mind in this action, which I admire,
with that generous contempt of money, which you shew
me in the whole transaction, is really noble; — and what
renders it more so, is the principle of it; — the working of a
parent's love upon the truth and conviction of this very
hypothesis, namelv, That was your son called Judas, — the
sordid and treacherous idea, so inseparable from the name,
would have accompanied him through life like his shadow,
and, in the end, made a miser and a rascal of him, in spite,
Sir, of your example.
4<> TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
I never knew a man able to answer this argument. — But,
indeed, to speak of my father as he was; — he was certainly
irresistible; — both in his orations and disputations; — he was
born an orator; — 0£oSiSaKTOC. — Persuasion hung upon his
lips, and the elements of Logic and Rhetoric were so blended
up in him, — and, withal, he had so shrewd a guess at the
weaknesses and passions of his respondent, — that Nature
might have stood up and said, — "This man is eloquent." —
In short, whether he wms on the weak or the strong side of
the question, 'twas hazardous in either case to attack him. —
And yet, 'tis strange he had never read Cicero, nor Quintilian
de Oratorey nor Isocrates, nor Aristotle, nor Longinus
amongst the ancients; — nor Vossius, nor Scioppius, nor
Ramus, nor Farnaby amongst the moderns; — and what is
more astonishing, he had never in his whole life the least
light or spark of subtlety struck into his mind, by one single
lecture upon Crackenthorp or Burgersdicius, or any Dutch
logician or commentator; — he knew not so much as in what
the difference of an argument ad ignorantiam, and an argu-
ment ad hominem consisted; so that I well remember, when
he went up along with me to enter my name at Jesus College
in ****, — it was a matter of just wonder with my worthy
tutor, and two or three fellows of that learned society, —
that a man who knew not so much as the names of his tools,
should be able to work after that fashion with them.
To work with them in the best manner he could, was what
my father was, however, perpetually forced upon; — for he
had a thousand little sceptical notions of the comic kind to
defend — most of which notions, I verily believe, at first
entered upon the footing of mere whims, and of a vive la
Bagatelle; and as such he would make merry with them for
half an hour or so, and having sharpened his wit upon them,
dismiss them till another day.
I mention this, not only as a matter of hypothesis or con-
jecture upon the progress and establishment of my father's
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 47
many odd opinions, — but as a warning to the learned reader
against the indiscreet reception of such guests, who, after a
free and undisturbed entrance, for some years, into our
brains, — at length claim a kind of settlement there, — work-
ing sometimes like yeast; — but more generally after the
manner of the gentle passion, beginning in jest, — but end-
ing in downright earnest.
Whether this was the case of the singularity of my
father's notions — or that his judgment, at length, became
the dupe of his wit; — or how far, in many of his notions,
he might, though odd, be absolutely right; — the reader, as he
comes at them, shall decide. All that I maintain here, is,
that in this one, of the influence of christian names, how-
ever it gained footing, he was serious; — he was all uni-
formity; — he was systematical, and, like all systematic
reasoncrs, he would move both heaven and earth, and twist
and torture every thing in nature, to support his hypothesis.
In a word, I repeat it over again; — he was serious; and, in
consequence of it, he would lose all kind of patience when-
ever he saw people, especially of condition, who should have
known better, — as careless and as indifferent about the
name they imposed upon their child, — or more so, than in the
choice of Ponto or Cupid for their puppy-dog.
This, he would say, looked ill; — and had, moreover, this
particular aggravation in it, viz.. That when once a vile
name was wrongfully or injudiciouslv given, 'twas not like
the case of a man's character, which, when wronged, might
hereafter be cleared; — and, possibly, some time or other, if
not in the man's life, at least after his death, — be, somehow
or other, set to rights with the world: But the injury of this,
he would say, could never be undone; — nay, he doubted even
whether an act of parliament could reach it: — He knew as
well as vou, that the legislature assumed a power over sur-
names; — but for very strong reasons, which he could give.
48 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
it had never yet adventured, he would say, to go a step
farther.
It was observable, that tho' my father, in consequence of
this opinion, had, as I have told you, the strongest likings and
dislikings towards certain names; — that there were still
numbers of names which hung so equally in the balance
before him, that they were absolutely indifferent to him.
Jack, Dick, and Tom were of this class: These my father
called neutral names; — affirming of them, without a satire,
That there had been as many knaves and fools, at least, as
wise and good men, since the world began, who had indif-
ferently borne them; — so that, like equal forces acting
against each other in contrary directions, he thought they
mutually destroyed each other's effects; for which reason,
he would often declare, He would not give a cherry-stone
to choose amongst them. Bob, which was my brother's
name, was another of these neutral kinds of christian names,
which operated very little either way; and as my father
happened to be at Epsom, when it was given him, — he would
oft-times thank Heaven it was no worse. Andrew was
something like a negative quantity in Algebra with him; —
'twas worse, he said, than nothing. — William stood pretty
high: — Numps again was low with him: — and Nick, he
said, was the Devil.
Eut, of all the names in the universe, he had the most
unconquerable aversion for Tristram; — he had the lowest
and most contemptible opinion of it of any thing in the
world, — thinking it could possibly produce nothing in rerum
naturay but what was extremely mean and pitiful: So that
in the midst of a dispute on the subject, in which, by the bye,
he was frequently involved, — he would sometimes break
off in a sudden and spirited Epiphonema, or rather Erotesis,
raised a third, and sometimes a full fifth above the key of
the discourse, — and demand it categorically of his antago-
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANJ)^ 49
m'st, Whether he would take upon him to s.iy, ho had ever
rcineiTibcred, — whether he had ever read, — or even whether
he had ever heard tell of a man, called IVistram, performing
any thing great or worth recording? — No, — he would say, —
Tristram! — The thing is impossible.
WHiat could be wanting in my father but to liavc wrote a
hook to publish this notion of his to the world? Little boots
it to the subtle speculatist to stand single in his opinions, —
unless he gives them proper vent: — It was the identical thing
which m\' father did: — for in the year sixteen, which was
two )ears before I was born, he was at the pains of writing
an express Dissertation simply upon the word Tristram, —
shewing the world, with great candour and modesty, the
grounds of his great abhorrence to the name.
When this story is compared with the title-page, — Will
not the gentle reader pity my father from his soul? — to see
an orderly and well-disposed gentleman, who tho' singular,
— yet inoffensive in his notions, — so played upon in them bv
cross purposes; — to look down upon the stage, and see him
baffled and overthrown in all his little systems and wishes;
to behold a train of events perpetually falling out against
him, and in so critical and cruel a way, as if they had pur-
posedly been planned and pointed against him, merely to
insult his speculations. — In a word, to behold such a one,
in his old age, ill-fitted for troubles, ten times in a day
suffering sorrow; — ten times in a day calling the child of
his prayers Tristram! — Melancholy dissyllable of sound!
which, to his ears, was unison to Nincompoop, and every
name vituperative under heaven. — By his ashes! I swear it,
— if ever malignant spirit took pleasure, or busied itself in
traversing the purposes of mortal man, — it must have been
here; — and \i it was not necessary I should be born before
I was christened, I would this moment give the reader an
account of it.
50 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
Chapter 20
-How could you, Madam, be so inattentive in reading
the last chapter? I told you in it. That my mother was not
a papist. — Papist! You told me no such thing, Sir. —
Madam, I beg leave to repeat it over again, that I told you
as plain, at least, as words, by direct inference, could tell you
such a thing. — Then, Sir, I must have missed a page. — No,
Madam, — you have not missed a word. — Then I was
asleep. Sir. — My pride, Madam, cannot allow you that
refuge. — Then, I declare, I know nothing at all about the
matter. — That, Madam, is the very fault I lay to your
charge; and as a punishment for it, I do insist upon it, that
you immediately turn back, that is, as soon as you get to the
next full stop, and read the whole chapter over again, I
have imposed this penance upon the lady, neither out of
wantonness nor cruelty; but from the best of motives; and
therefore shall make her no apology for it when she re-
turns back: — 'Tis to rebuke a vicious taste, which has crept
into thousands besides herself, — of reading straight for-
wards, more in quest of the adventures, than of the deep
erudition and knowledge which a book of this cast, if read
over as it should be, would infallibly impart with them —
The mind should be accustomed to make wise reflections, and
draw curious conclusions as it goes along; the habitude of
which made Pliny the younger affirm, "That he never read
a book so bad, but he drew some profit from it." The stories
of Greece and Rome, run over without this turn and appli-
cation, — do less service, I affirm it, than the history of
Parismus and Parismenus, or of the Seven Champions of
England, read with it.
But here comes my fair lady. Have you read over
again the chapter. Madam, as I desired you? — You have:
And (lid you not observe the passage, upon the second read-
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY 51
ing, which admits the inference? — Not a word like it!
Then, Madam, be pleased to ponder well the last line but one
of the chapter, where I take upon me to say, "It was necessary
I should be born before I was christened." Had my mother.
Madam, been a Papist, that consequence did not follow.
It is a terrible misfortune for this same book of mine, but
more so to the Republic of letters; — so that my own is quite
swallowed up in the consideration of it, — that this self-same
vile pruriency for fresh adventures in all things, has got so
strongly into our habit and humour, — and so wholly intent
are we upon satisfying the impatience of our concupiscence
that way, — that nothing but the gross and more carnal parts
of a composition will go down: — The subtle hints and sly
communications of science fly off, like spirits upwards, — the
heavy moral escapes downwards; and both the one and the
other are as much lost to the world, as if they were still left
in the bottom of the ink-horn.
I wish the male-reader has not passed by many a one, as
quaint and curious as this one, in which the female-reader
has been detected. I wish it may have its effects; — and that
all good people, both male and female, from her example,
may be taught to think as well as read.^
' The Romish Rituals direct the baptizine of the child, in cases of
danger, before it is bom; — but upon this proviso, That some part
or other of the child's body he seen by the baptizcr: — But the
Doctors of the Sorbonne, by a deliberation held amongst them, April
10, 1733, — have enlarged the powers of the midwifes, by determin-
ing. That though no part of the child's body should appear,— that
baptism shall, nevertheless, be administered to it by injection,— ^jr
le moyen d'une petite camiUe,—.\n?.\\ck a squirt.— 'T\i very strange
that St. Thomas Aquinas, who had so good a mechanical head, both
for tying and untyinir the knots of school-divinity, — should, after
so miich pains bestowed upon this. — give up the point at last, as a
second La chose impossible, — "Infantes in maternis uteris existentes
(quoth St. Thomas!) baptizari possunt niillo modo." — O Thomas!
Thoma>:
If the reader has the curiosity to see the question upon baptism by
injection, as presented to the Doctors of the Sorbonne, with their
consultation thereupon, it is as follows.
52 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
Memoire presente a Messieurs les Docteurs
DE Sorbonne."
Un Chirurgien Accoucheur, represente a Messieurs les Doc-
teurs de Sorbonne, ^u'il y a des cas, quoique tres rares, ou unc
mere ne sgauroit accoucher, & meme ou I'enfant est tellemcnt
renferme dans le sein da sa mere, qu'il ne fait paroitre aucunc
partie de son corps, ce qui seroit un cas, suivant les Rituels,
dc lui conferer, du moins sous condition, le bapteme. Le
Chirurgien, qui consulte, pretend, par le moyen d'une petite
canulle, de pouvoir baptiser immediatement I'enfant, sans
faire aucun tort a la mere. — II demand si ce moyen, qu'il
vient de proposer, est permis & legitime, & s'il peut s'en
servir dans les cas qu'il vient d'exposer.
Reponse.
Le Conseil estime, que la question proposee souffre dc
grandes difficultes. Les Theologiens posent d'un cote pour
principe, que le bapteme, qui est une naissance spirituellc,
suppose une premiere naissance; il faut etre ne dans Ic
monde, pour renaitre en Jesus Christ, comme ils I'enseignent.
S. Thomas, 3 part, quaest. 88, artic. 1 1, suit cette doctrine
comme une verite constante; Ton ne peut, dit ce S. Doctcur,
baptiser les en fans qui sont renfcrmes dans le sein de leurs
meres, & S. Thomas est fonde sur ce, que les en fans ne sont
point nes, & ne peuvcnt etre comptes parmi les autres
hommes; d'ou il conclud, qu'ils ne peuvent etre I'objet d'une
action exterieure, pour regevoir par leur ministere, les sacre-
mens necessaires au salut : Pueri in maternis uteris existentes
nondum frodierunt in lucem ut cum aliis horn ini bus vitam
ducant; iinde non fnssunt suhjici nctioni humanae, ut fer
eorum ministerium sncranipntn recif'iant ad salutem. Les
-Vide Deventcr, Paris edit., 4to, 1734, p. 366.
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY
53
rituels ordonnent dans la pratique ce que les theologi'ens ont
etabli sur les memes matieres, & ils deffendent tous d'une
maniere uniforme, de baptiser les enfans qui sont renfcrmes
dans le sein de leurs meres, s'ils ne font paroitre quelque
partie de leurs corps. Le concours des thcologiens, & des
rituels, qui sont les regies des dioceses, paroit former une
autorite qui termine la question presente; cepcndant le
conseil de conscience considerant d'un cote, que le raisonne-
ment des theologiens est uniquement fonde sur une raison
de convenance, & que la deffense des rituels suppose que Ton
ne peut baptiser immcdiatement les enfans ainsi rcnfermcs
dans le sein de leurs meres, ce qui est contre la supposition
presente; & d'un autre cote, considerant que les memes theo-
logiens enseignent, que I'on peut risquer les sacremens que
Jesus Christ a etablis comme des movens faciles, mais neces-
saires pour sanctifier les hommes; & d'ailleurs estimant, que
les enfans renfermes dans le sein de leurs meres, pourroient
etre capables de salut, parcequ'ils sont capables de damna-
tion; — pour ces considerations, & en egard a I'exposc, suivant
lequel on assure avoir trouve un moyen certain de baptiser
ces enfans ainsi renfermes, sans faire aucun tort a la mere,
le Conseil cstime que I'on pourroit se servir du moyen pro-
pose, dans la confiance qu'il a, que Dieu n'a point laisse ces
sortes d'enfans sans aucuns sccours, & supposant, comme il
est expose, que le moyen dont il s'agit est propre a leur
procurer le baptC-me; cependant comme il s'agiroit, en
autorisant la pratique propose, de changer une regie univer-
sellement etablie, le Conseil croit que cclui qui consulte doit
s'addresser a son eveque, & a qui il appartient de juger de
I'utilitc, & du danger du moyen propose, & comme, sous le
bon plaisir de 1 'eveque, le Conseil estime qu'il faudroi;:
recourir au Pape, qui a le droit d'cxpliqucr les regies de
I'eglise, & d'y deroger dans le cas, ou la loi ne s^auroit
obliger, quelque sage & quelque utile que paroisse la maniere
54 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
de baptiser dent il s'agit, le Conseil ne pourroit I'approuver
sans le concours dc ces deux autoritcs. On conseile au
moins a celui qui consulte, de s'addresser a son eveque, & de
lui faire part de la presente decision, afin que, si le prelat
entre dans les raisons sur lesquelles les docteurs soussignes
s'appuyent, il puisse etre autorise dans le cas de necessite, ou
il risqueroit trop d'attendre que la permission fiit demandee
& accordee d'employer le moyen qu'il propose si avantageux
au salut de Ten f ant. Au reste, le Conseil, en estimant que
I'on pourroit s'en servir, croit cependant, que si les enfans
dont il s'agit, venoient au monde, contre I'esperance de
ceux qui se seroient servis du meme moyen, il seroit neces-
saire de les baptiser sous condition; & en cela le Conseil se
con forme a tous les rituels, qui en autorisant le bapteme d'un
enfant qui fait paroitre quelque partie de son corps, enjoi-
gnent neantmoins, & ordonnent de le baptiser sous condition,
s'il vient heureusement au monde.
Delibere en Sorbonne, le lo Avril, 1733.
A. Le Moyne.
L. De Romigny.
De Marcilly.
Mr. Tristram Shandy's compliments to Messrs. Le
Moyne, De Romigny, and De Marcilly; hopes they all
rested well the night after so tiresome a consultation. — He
begs to know, whether after the ceremony of marriage, and
before that of consummation, the baptizing all the Homun-
culi at once, slapdash, by injection, would not be a shorter
and safer cut still; on condition, as above. That if the
Homunculi do well, and come safe into the world after this,
that each and every of them shall be baptized again {sous
condition) — And provided, in the second place, That the
thing can be done, which Mr. Shandy apprehends it may,
far le moye^i d*une fettte canulley and sans faire aucun tort
au fere.
CHAP. 21 TRISTRAM SHANDY 55
Chapter 21
— I WONDER what's all that noise, and running backwards
and forwards for, above stairs, quoth my father, addressing
himself, after an hour and a half's silence, to my uncle
Toby, — who, you must know, was sitting on the opposite
side of the fire, smoking his social pipe all the time, in mute
contemplation of a new pair of black plush breeches which
he had got on: — What can they be doing, brother? — quoth
my father, — we can scarce hear ourselves talk.
I think, replied my uncle Toby, taking his pipe from his
mouth, and striking the head of it two or three times upon
the nail of his left thumb, as he began his sentence, — \
think, says he: — But to enter rightly into my uncle Toby's
sentiments upon this matter, you must be made to enter
first a little into his character, the outlines of which I shall
just give you, and then the dialogue between him and mv
father will go on as well again.
Pray what was that man's name, — for I write in such a
hurry, I have no time to recollect or look for it, — who first
made the observation, "That there was great inconsistency
in our air and climate"? Whoever he was, 'twas a just
and good observation in him. — But the corollary drawn
from it, namely, "That it is this which has furnished us
with such a variety of odd and whimsical characters"; —
that was not his; — it was found out by another man, at
least a century and a half after him: Then again, — that this
copious store-house of original materials, is the true and
natural cause that our Comedies are so much better than
those of France, or any others that either have, or can be
wrote upon the Continent: — that discovery was not fully
made till about the middle of King William's reign, —
when the great Dryden, in writing one of his long prefaces,
(if I mistake not) most fortunately hit upon it. Indeed
toward the latter end of Queen Anne, the great Addison
56 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
began to patronize the notion, and more fully explained it
to the world in one or two of his Spectators; — but the dis-
covery was not his. — Then, fourthly and lastly, that this
strange irregularity in our climate, producing so strange an
irregularity in our characters, — doth thereby, in some sort,
make us amends, by giving us somewhat to make us merry
with when the weather will not suffer us to go out of doors,
— that observation is my own; — and was struck out by me
this very rainy day, March 26, 1759, and betwixt the hours
of nine and ten in the morning.
Thus — thus, my fellow-labourers and associates in this
great harvest of our learning, now ripening before our
eyes; thus it is, by slow steps of casual increase, that our
knowledge physical, metaphysical, physiological, polemical,
nautical, mathematical, enigmatical, technical, biographical,
romantical, chemical, and obstetrical, with fifty other
branches of it, (most of 'em ending as these do, in teal)
have for these two centuries and more, gradually been creep-
ing upwards towards that 'AK|jyj of their perfections, from
which, if we may form a conjecture from the advances of
these last seven years, we cannot possibly be far off.
When that happens, it is to be hoped, it will put an end
to all kind of v/ritings whatsoever; — the want of all kind
of writing will put an end to all kind of reading; — and that
in time. As war begets poverty; poverty peace, — must, in
course, put an end to all kind of knowledge, — and then —
we shall have all to begin over again; or, in other words,
be exactly where we started.
— Happy! thrice happy times! I only wish that the era
of my begetting, as well as the mode and manner of it, had
been a little altered, — or that it could have been put off,
with any convenience to my father or mother, for some
twenty or five-and-twenty years longer, when a man in the
literary world might have stood some chance. —
CHAP. 21 TRISTRAM SHANDY 57
But I forget my uncle 1 oby, whom all this while we
liave left knocking the ashes out of his tobacco-pipe.
His humour was of that particular species, which does
honour to our atmosphere; and I should have made no
scruple of ranking him amongst one of the first-rate pro-
ductions of it, had not there appeared too many strong lines
in it of a family-likeness, which shewed that he derived
the singularity of his temper more from blood, than either
wind or water, or any modifications or combinations of
them whatever: And I have, therefore, oft-times wondered,
that my father, tho' I believe he had his reasons for it, upon
his observing some tokens of eccentricity, in my course,
when I was a boy, — should never once endeavour to account
for them in this way: for all the Shandy Family were of an
original character throughout: — I mean the males, — the fe-
males had no character at all, — except, indeed, my great
aunt Dinah, who, about sixty years ago, was married and
got with child by the coachman, for which my father, ac-
cording to his hypothesis of christian names, would often
say, She might thank her godfathers and godmothers.
It will seem verj' strange, — and I would as soon think of
dropping a riddle in the reader's way, which is not my in-
terest to do, as set him upon guessing how it could come to
pass, that an event of this kind, so many years after it had
happened, should be reserved for the interruption of the
peace and unity, which otherwise so cordially subsisted, be-
tween my father and my uncle Toby. One would have
thought, that the whole force of the misfortune should have
spent and wasted itself in the family at first, — as is generally
the case. — But nothing ever wrought with our family after
the ordinary way. Possibly at the very time this happened,
it might have something else to afflict it; and as afflictions
are sent down for our good, and that as this had never done
the Shandy Family any good at ill, it might lie waiting till
apt times and circumstances should give it an opportuiut\
58 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
to discharge its office. — Observe, I determine nothing upon
this. — My way is ever to point out to the curious, different
tracts of investigation, to come at the first springs of the
events I tell; — not with a pedantic Fescue, — or in the de-
cisive manner of Tacitus, who outwits himself and his
reader; — but with the officious humility of a heart devoted
to the assistance merely of the inquisitive; — to them I write,
— and by them I shall be read, — if any such reading as this
could be supposed to hold out so long, — to the very end of
the world.
Why this cause of sorrow, therefore, was thus reserved
for my father and uncle, is undetermined by me. But how
and in what direction it exerted itself so as to become the
cause of dissatisfaction between them, after it began to
operate, is what I am able to explain with great exactness,
and is as follows:
My uncle Toby Shandy, Madam, was a gentleman, who,
with the virtues which usually constitute the character of a
man of honour and rectitude, — possessed one in a very emi-
nent degree, which is seldom or never put into the catalogue;
and that was a most extreme and unparalleled modesty of
nature; — though I correct the word nature, for this reason,
that I may not prejudge a point which must shortly come to
a hearing, and that is. Whether this modesty of his was
natural or acquired. — Whichever way my uncle Toby came
by it, 'twas nevertheless modesty in the truest sense of it;
and that is, Madam, not in regard to words, for he was so
unhappy as to have very little choice in them — but to things;
— and this kind of modesty so possessed him, and it arose to
such a height in hiin, as almost to equal, if such a thing
could be, even the modesty of a woman: That female nicety,
Madam, and inward cleanliness of mind and fancy, in your
sex, which makes you so much the awe of ours.
You will imagine, Madam, that my uncle Toby had con-
tracted all this from this very source; — that he had spent a
CHAP. 21 TRISTRAM SHANDY 59
great part of his time in converse with your sex; and that
from a thorough knowledge of you, and the force of
imitation which such fair examples render irresistible, he
had acquired this amiable turn of mind.
I wish I could say so, — for unless it was with his sister-
in-law, my father's wife and my mother — my uncle Tobj
scarce exchanged three words with the sex in as many years;
— no, he got it, Madam, by a blow. — A blow! — Yes,
Madam, it was owing to a blow from a stone, broke off by
a ball from the parapet of a horn-work at the siege of
Namur, which struck full upon my uncle Toby's groin. —
Which way could that affect it? The story of that,
.Madam, is long and interesting; — but it would be running
my history all upon heaps to give it you here. — 'Tis for an
episode hereafter; and every circumstance relating to it, in
its proper place, shall be faithfully laid before you: — 'Till
then, it is not in my power to give farther light into this
matter, or say more than what I have said already, — That
my uncle Toby was a gentleman of unparalleled modesty,
which happening to be somewhat subtilized and rarified by
the constant heat of a little family pride, — they both so
wrought together within him, that he could never hear to
hear the aifair of my aunt Dinah touched upon, but with
the greatest emotion. — The least hint of it was enough
to make the blood fly into his face; — but when my father
enlarged upon the story in mixed companies, which the
illustration of his hypothesis frequently obliged him to do,
— the unfortunate blight of one of the fairest branches of
the family would set my uncle Toby's honour and modesty
o'bleeding; and he would often take my father aside, in
the greatest concern imaginable, to expostulate and tell him,
he would give him any thing in the world, only to let the
storA' rest.
My father, I believe, had the truest love and tenderness
for my uncle Toby, that ever one brother bore towards
6o TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
another, and would have done anything in nature, which
one brother in reason could have desired of another, to have
made my uncle Toby's heart easy in this, or any other point.
But this lay out of his power.
— My father, as I told you, was a philosopher in grain,
— speculative, — systematical; — and my aunt Dinah's affair
was a matter of as much consequence to him, as the retrogra-
dation of the planets to Copernicus: — The backslidings of
Venus in her orbit fortified the Copernican system, called
so after his name; and the backslidings of my aunt Dinah
in her orbit, did the same service in establishing my father's
system, which, I trust, will for ever hereafter be called
the Shandean System, after his.
In any other family dishonour, my father, I believe, had
as nice a sense of shame as any man whatever; — and neither
he, nor, I dare say, Copernicus, would have divulged the
affair in either case, or have taken the least notice of it to
the world, but for the obligations they owed, as they
thought, to truth. — Amicus Plato, my father would say,
construing the words to my uncle Toby, as he went along,
Afnicus Plato; that is, Dinah was my aunt; — sed magis
arnica Veritas — but Truth is my sister.
This contrariety of humours betwixt my father and my
uncle, was the source of many a fraternal squabble. The
one could not bear to hear the tale of family disgrace re-
corded, — and the other would scarce ever let a day pass
to an end without some hint at it.
For God's sake, my uncle Toby would cry, — and for
my sake, and for all our sakes, my dear brother Shandy, —
do let this story of our aunt's and her ashes sleep in peace;
— how can you, — how can you have so little feeling and
compassion for the character of our family? — What is the
character of a family to an hypothesis? my father would
reply. — Nay, if you come to that — what is the life of a
family? — The life of a family! — my uncle Toby would
CHAP. 21 TRISTRAM SHANDY 6l
say, throwing himself back in his arm-chair, and lifting up
his hands, his eyes, and one leg. — Yes, the life, — my father
would say, maintaining his point. How many thousands of
'em are there every year that come cast away, (in all civilized
countries at least) — and considered as nothing but common
air, in competition of an hypothesis. In my plain sense of
things, my uncle Toby would answer, — every such in-
stance is downright Murder, let who will commit it. —
There lies your mistake, my father would reply; — for, in
Foro Sc'ient'iae there is no such thing as Murder, — 'tis only
Death, brother.
My uncle Toby would never offer to answer this by any
other kind of argument, than that of whistling half a dozen
bars of Lillabullero. — You must know it was the usual
channel thro' which his passions got vent, when any thing
shocked or surprised him: — but especially when any thing,
which he deemed very absurd, was offered.
As not one of our logical writers, nor any of the com-
mentators upon them, that I remember, have thought proper
to give a name to this particular species of argument, — I
here take the liberty to do it myself, for two reasons. First,
That, in order to prevent all confusion in disputes, it may
stand as much distinguished for ever, from every other
species of argument — as the Argiimentum ad Verecundiam,
ex Absurdoy ex Fortiori, or any other argument whatso-
ever: — And, secondly, That it may be said by my children's
children, when my head is laid to rest, — that their learned
grandfather's head had been busied to as much purpose once,
as other people's; — That he had invented a name, — and
generously thrown it into the Treasury of the Ars Logica,
for one of the most unanswerable arguments in the whole
science. And, if the end of disputation is more to silence
than convince, — they may add, if they please, to one of the
best arguments too.
I do therefore, by these presents, strictly order and com-
62 TRISTRAM SHANDY booki
mand, That it be known and distinguished by the name and
title of the Argumentum Fistnlatorium, and no other; —
and that it rank hereafter with the Argumentum Baculinurn
and the Argutyientum ad Crumenaniy and for ever here-
after be treated of in the same chapter.
As for the Argumentum T7-tfod'tum.y which is never used
but by the woman against the man; — and the Argumentum
nd Rern, which, contran'wise, is made use of by the man
only against the woman; — As these two are enough in con-
science for one lecture; — and, moreover, as the one is the
best answer to the other, — let them likewise be kept apart
and be treated of in a place by themselves.
Chapter 2 2
The learned Bishop Hall, I mean the famous Dr. Joseph
Hall, who was Bishop of Exeter in King James the First's
reign, tells us in one of his Decads, at the end of his divine
art of meditation, imprinted at London, in the year i6io,
by John Beal, dwelling in Aldersgate-street, "That it is an
abominable thing for a man to commend himself"; — and
I really think it is so.
And yet, on the other hand, when a thing is executed in
a masterly kind of a fashion, which thing is not likely to
be found out; — I think it is full as abominable, that a man
should lose the honour of it, and go out of the world with
the conceit of it rotting in his head.
This is precisely my situation.
For in this long digression which I was accidentally led
into, as in all my digressions (one only excepted) there is
a master-stroke of digressive skill, the merit of which has
all along, I fear, been overlooked by my reader, — not for
want of penetration in him, — but because 'tis an excellence
seldom looked for, or expected indeed, in a digression; —
and it is this: That tho' my digressions are all fair, as you
observe, — and that I fly off from what I am about, as far,
CHAP. 22 TRISTRAM SHANDY 63
and as often too, as any writer in Great Britain; yet I
constantly take care to order atfairs so that my main busi-
ness docs not stand still in my absence.
I was just going, for example, to have given you the
great outlines of mv uncle Toby's most whimsical character;
— when my aunt Dinah and the coachman came across us,
and led us a vagary some millions of miles into the very
heart of the planetary system: Notwithstanding all this, you
perceive that the drawing of my uncle Toby's character
went on gently all the time; — not the great contours of it
— that was impossible, — but some familiar strokes and faint
designations of it, were here and there touched on, as we
went along, so that you are much better acquainted with my
uncle Toby now than you was before.
By this contrivance the machinery of my work is of a
species by itself; two contrary motions are introduced into
it, and reconciled, which were thought to be at variance
with each other. In a word, my work is digressive, and it
is progressive too, — and at the same time.
This, Sir, is a ven- different stor\' from that of the
earth's moving round her axis, in her diurnal rotation, with
her progress in her elliptic orbit which brings about the
year, and constitutes that variety and vicissitude of seasons
we enjov; — though I own it suggested the thought, — as I
believe the greatest of our boasted improvements and dis-
coveries have come from such trifling hints.
Digressions, incontestably, are the sunshine; — they are
the life, the soul of reading! — take them out of this book,
for instance, — you might as well take the book along with
them; — one cold eternal winter would reign in every page
of it; restore them to the writer; — he steps forth like a
bridegroom, — bids AU-hail; brings in variety, and forbids
the appetite to fail.
All the dexterity is in the good cookery and manage-
ment of them, so as to be not only for the advantage of the
64 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
reader, but also of the author, whose distress, in this matter,
is truly pitiable: For, if he begins a digression, — from that
moment, I observe, his whole work stands stock still; — and
if he goes on with his main work, — then there is an end
of his digression.
— This is vile work. — For which reason, from the be-
ginning of this, you see, I have constructed the main work
and the adventitious parts of it with such intersections, and
have so complicated and involved the digressive and progres-
sive movements, one wheel within another, that the whole
machine, in general, has been kept a-going; — and, what's
more, it shall be kept a-going these forty years, if it pleases
the fountain of health to bless me so long with life and
good spirits.
Chapter 2j
I HAVE a strong propensity in me to begin this chapter very
nonsensically, and I will not baulk my fancy. — Accord-
ingly I set oif thus:
If the fixture of Momus's glass in the human breast,
according to the proposed emendation of that arch-critic,
had taken place, — first. This foolish consequence would
certainly have followed, — That the very wisest and very
gravest of us all, in one coin or other, must have paid
window-money every day of our lives.
And, secondly, That had the said glass been there set up,
nothing more would have been wanting, in order to have
taken a man's character, but to have taken a chair and gone
softly, as you would to a dioptrical bee-hive, and looked in,
— viewed the soul stark naked; — observed all her motions,
— her machinations; — traced all her maggots from their
first engendering to their crawling forth; — watched her
loose in her frisks, her gambols, lier capricios; and after
some notice of her more solemn deportment, consequent
upon such frisks, etc., — then taken your pen and ink and set
down nothing but what you had seen, and could have sworn
CHAP. 23 TRISTRAM SHANDY 65
to: — But this is an advantage not to be had by the biog-
rapher in this planet J — in the planet Mercury (belike) it
may be so, if not better still for him; — for there the intense
heat of the countr)', which is proved by computators, from
its vicinity to the sun, to be more than equal to that of red-
hot iron, — must, I think, long ago have vitrified the bodies
of the inhabitants, (as the efficient cause) to suit them for
the climate (which is the final cause;) so that betwixt them
both, all the tenements of their souls, from top to bottom,
may be nothing else, for aught the soundest philosophy can
shew to the contrary, but one fine transparent body of clear
glass (bating the umbilical knot) — so that, till the in-
habitants grow old and tolerably wrinkled, whereby the
rays of light, in passing through them, become so mon-
strously refracted, — or return reflected from their surfaces
in such transverse lines to the eye, that a man cannot be
seen through; — his soul might as well, unless for mere
ceremony, or the trifling advantage which the umbilical
point gave her, — might, upon all other accounts, I say, as
well play the fool out o' doors as in her own house.
But this, as I said above, is not the case of the inhabitants
of this earth; — our minds shine not through the body, but
are wrapt up here in a dark covering of uncrystallized flesh
and blood; so that, if we would come to the specific char-
acters of them, wc must go some other way to work.
Many, in good truth, are the ways, which human wit
has been forced to take, to do this thing with exactness.
Some, for instance, draw all their characters with wind-
instruments. — Virgil takes notice of that way in the affair
of Dido and Aeneas; — but it is as fallacious as the breath
of fame; — and, moreover, bespeaks a narrow genius. I
am not ignorant that the Italians pretend to a mathematical
exactness in their designations of one particular sort of
character among them, from the forte or fiano of a certain
wind-instrument they use, — which they say is infallible. —
66 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
I dare not mention the name of the instrument in this place;
— 'tis sufficient we have it amongst us, — but never think of
making a drawing by it; — this is enigmatical, and intended
to be so, at least ad fofulum: — And therefore, I beg,
Madam, when you come here, that you read on as fast as
you can, and never stop to make any inquiry about it.
There are others again, who will draw a man's character
from no other helps in the world, but merely from his
evacuations; — but this often gives a very incorrect outline,
— unless, indeed, you take a sketch of his repletions too;
and by correcting one drawing from the other, compound
one good figure out of them both.
I should have no objection to this method, but that I
think it must smell too strong of the lamp — and be rendered
still more operose, by forcing you to have an eye to the rest of
his Non-naturals. — Why the most natural actions of a man's
life should be called his Non-naturals, — is another question.
There are others, fourthly, who disdain every one of
these expedients; — not from any fertility of their own, but
from the various ways of doing it, which they have borrowed
from the honourable devices which the Pentagraphic Breth-
ren of the brush have shewn in taking copies. — These, you
must know, are your great historians.
One of these you will see drawing a full-length char-
acter against the light; — that's illiberal, — dishonest, — and
hard upon the character of the man who sits.
Others, to mend the matter, will make a drawing of you
in the Camera; — that is most unfair of all, — because, there
you are sure to be represented in some of your most ridicu-
lous attitudes.
To avoid all and every one of these errors in giving you
my uncle Toby's character, I am determined to draw it by
no mechanical help whatever; — nor shall my pencil be
guided by any one wind-instrument which ever was blown
upon, either on this, or on the other side of the Alps; —
CHAP. 24 TRISTRAM SHAND'^' 67
nor will I consider either his repletions or his discharges, —
or touch upon his Non-naturals; — but, in a word, I will
draw my uncle Toby's character from his Hobby-Horse.
Chapter 24
If I was not morally sure that the reader must be out of all
patience for my uncle Toby's character, — I would here
previously have convinced him that there is no instrument
so fit to draw such a thing with, as that which I have pitched
upon.
A man and his Hobby-Horse, tho' I cannot say that they
act and re-act exactly after the same manner in which the
soul and body do upon each other: Yet doubtless there is a
communication between them of some kind; and my opinion
rather is, that there is something in it more of the manner
of electrified bodies, — and that, by means of the heated
parts of the rider, which come immediately into contact with
the back of the Hobby-Horse, — by long journeys and much
friction, it so happens, that the body of the rider is at length
filled as full of Hobby-Horsical matter as it can hold; — so
that if you are able to give but a clear description of the
nature of the one, you mav form a prcttv exact notion of
the genius and character of the other.
Now the Hobby-Horse which mv uncle Toby always rode
upon, was in my opinion an Hobby-Horse well worth giving
a description of, if it was only upon the score of his great
singularity; — for you might have travelled from York to
Dover, — from Dover to Penzance in Cornwall, and from
Penzance to "\'ork back again, and not have seen such
another upon the road; or if you had seen such a one, what-
ever haste you had been in, you must infallibly have stopped
to have taken a view of him. Indeed, the gait and figure
of him was so strange, and so utterly unlike was he, from
his head to his tail, to any one of the whole species, that it
was now and then made a matter of dispute, — whether he
68 TRISTRAM SHANDY book i
was really a Hobby-Horse or no: but as the Philosopher
would use no other argument to the Sceptic, who disputed
with him against the reality of motion, save that of rising
up upon his legs, and walking across the room; — so would
my uncle Toby use no other argument to prove his Hobby-
Horse was a Hobby-Horse indeed, but by getting upon his
back and riding him about; — leaving the world, after that,
to determine the point as it thought fit.
In good truth, my uncle Toby mounted him with so
much pleasure, and he carried my uncle Toby so well, —
that he troubled his head very little with what the world
either said or thought about it.
It is now high time, however, that I give you a descrip-
tion of him: — But to go on regularly, I only beg you will
give me leave to acquaint you first, how my uncle Toby
came by him.
Chaffer 25
The wound in my uncle Toby's groin, which he received
at the siege of Namur, rendering him unfit for the service,
it was thought expedient he should return to England, in
order, if possible, to be set to rights.
He was four years totally confined, — part of it to his
bed, and all of it to his room: and in the course of his cure,
which was all that time in hand, suffered unspeakable
miseries, — owing to a succession of exfoliations from the
OS fub'iSy and the outward edge of that part of the coxendix
called the os i/liu//iy — both which bones were dismally
crushed, as much by the irregularity of the stone, which I
told you was broke off the parapet, — as by its size, — (tho'
it was pretty large) which inclined the surgeon all along
to think, that the great injury which it had done my uncle
Toby's groin, was more owing to the gravity of the stone
itself, than to the projectile force of it, — which he would
often tell him was a great liappiness.
CHAP. 25 TRISTRAM SHANDY 69
My father at that time was just beginning business in
London, and had taken a house; — and as the truest friend-
ship and cordiality subsisted between the two brothers, —
and that mv father thought my uncle Toby could no where
be so well nursed and taken care of as in his own house, — he
assigned him the very best apartment in it. — And what
was a much more sincere mark of his affection still, he
would never suffer a friend or an acquaintance to step into
the house on any occasion, but he would take him by the
hand, and lead him upstairs to see his brother Toby, and
chat an hour by his bedside.
The history of a soldier's wound beguiles the pain of it;
— my uncle's visitors at least thought so, and in their daily
calls upon him, from the courtesy arising out of that belief,
thev would frequently turn the discourse to that subject, —
and from that subject the discourse would generally roll on
to the siege itself.
These conversations were infinitely kind; and my uncle
Toby received great relief from them, and would have
received much more, but that they brought him into some
unforeseen perplexities, which, for three months together,
retarded his cure greatly; and if he had not hit upon an
expedient to extricate himself out of them, I verily believe
they would have laid him in his grave.
What these perplexities of my uncle Toby were, — 'tis
impossible for you to guess; — If you could, — I should
blush; not as a relation, — not as a man, — nor even as a
woman, — but I should blush as an author; inasmuch as I
set no small store by myself upon this very account, that
my reader has never yet been able to guess at any thing.
And in this, Sir, I am of so nice and singular a humour,
that if I thought you was able to form the least judgment
or probable conjecture to yourself, of what was to come in
the next page, — I would tear it out of my book.
BOOK II
Chafter i
I HAVE begun a new book, on purpose that I might have
room enough to explain the nature of the perplexities in
which my uncle Toby was involved, from the many dis-
courses and interrogations about the siege of Namur, where
he received his wound.
I must remind the reader, in case he has read the history
of King William's wars, — but if he has not, — I then in-
form him, that one of the most memorable attacks in that
siege, was that which was made by the English and Dutch
upon the point of the advanced counterscarp, between the
gate of St. Nicolas, which inclosed the great sluice or
water-stop, where the English were terribly exposed to the
shot of the counter-guard and demi-bastion of St. Roch:
The issue of which hot dispute, in three words, was this;
That the Dutch lodged themselves upon the counter-guard,
— and that the English made themselves masters of the
covered-way before St. Nicolas-gate, nothwithstanding the
gallantry of the French officers, who exposed themselves
upon the glacis sword in hand.
As this was the principal attack of which my uncle Toby
was an eye witness at Namur, — the army of the besiegers
being cut off, by the confluence of the Maes and Sambre,
from seeing much of each other's operations, — my uncle
Toby was generally more eloquent and particular in his ac-
count of it; and the many perplexities he was in, arose out
of the almost insurmountable difficulties he found in telling
his story intelligibly, and giving such clear ideas of the dif-
ferences and distinctions between the scarp and counter-
scarp, — the glacis and covered-way, — the half-moon and
70
CHAP. I I'RISrRAM SHANDY 71
ravelin, — ns to make his company fully comprehend where
and what he was about.
W^riters themselves are too apt to confound these terms;
so that you will the less wonder, if in his endeavours to
explain them, and in opposition to many misconceptions,
that my uncle Toby did oft-times puzzle his visitors, and
sometimes himself too.
To speak the truth, unless the company my father led up
stairs were tolerabl)' clear-headed, or my uncle Toby was
in one of his explanatory moods, 'twas a difficult thing, do
what he could, to keep the discourse free from obscurity.
What rendered the account of this affair the more in-
tricate to my uncle Toby, was this, — that in the attack of
the counterscarp, before the gate of St. Nicolas, extending
itself from the bank of the Maes, quite up to the great
water-stop, — the ground was cut and cross cut with such
a multitude of dykes, drains, rivulets, and sluices, on all
sides, — and he would get so sadly bewildered, and set fast
amongst them, that frequently he could neither get back-
wards or forwards to have his life; and was oft-times
obliged to give up the attack upon that very account only.
These perplexing rebuffs gave my uncle Toby Shandy
more perturbations than you would imagine: and as my
father's kindness to him was continuallv dragging up fresh
friends and fresh enquirers, — he had but a verv imeasy
task of it.
No doubt mv uncle Tobv had great commantl of himself,
— and could guard appearances, I believe, as well as most
men; — yet any one may imagine, that when he could not
retreat out of the ravelin without getting into the half-
moon, or get out of the covered-way without falling down
the counterscarp, nor cross the dyke without danger of
slipping into the ditch, but that he must have fretted and
fumed inwardly: — He did so; — and the little and hourly
vexations, which may seem trifling and of no account to the
72 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
man who has not read Hippocrates, yet, whoever has read
Hippocrates, or Dr. James Mackenzie, and has considered
well the effects which the passions and affections of the
mind have upon the digestion — (Why not of a wound as
well as of a dinner?) — may easily conceive what sharp
paroxysms and exacerbations of his wound my uncle Toby
must have undergone upon that score only.
— My uncle Toby could not philosophize upon it; — 'twas
enough he felt it was so, — and having sustained the pain
and sorrows of it for three months together, he was re-
solved some way or other to extricate himself.
He was one morning lying upon his back in his bed, the
anguish and nature of the wound upon his groin suffering
him to lie in no other position, when a thought came into
his head, that if he could purchase such a thing, and have it
pasted down upon a board, as a large map of the fortifica-
tion of the town and citadel of Namur, with its environs,
it might be a means of giving him ease. — I take notice of
his desire to have the environs along with the town and
citadel, for this reason, — because my uncle Toby's wound
was got in one of the traverses, about thirty toises from the
returning angle of the trench, opposite to the salient angle
of the demi-bastion of St. Roch: — so that he was pretty
confident he could stick a pin upon the identical spot of
ground where he was standing on when the stone struck
him.
All this succeeded to his wishes, and not only freed him
from a world of sad explanations, but, in the end, it proved
the happy means, as you will read, of procuring my uncle
Toby his Hobby-Horse.
Chaffer 2
There is nothing so foolish, when you are at the expense
of making an entertainment of this kind, as to order things
so badly, as to let your critics and gentry of refined taste
CHAP. 2 TRISTRAM SHANDY 73
run it down: Nor is there any thing so likely to make them
do it, as that of leaving them out of the party, or, what is
full as offensive, of bestowing your attention upon the rest
of your guests in so particular a way, as if there was no
such thing as a critic (by occupation) at table.
— I guard against both; for, in the first place, I have
left half a dozen places purposely open for them; — and in
the next place, I pay them all court. — Gentlemen, I kiss
your hands, I protest no company could give me half the
pleasure, — by my soul I am glad to see you — I beg only
you will make no strangers of yourselves, but sit down
without any ceremony, and fall on heartily.
I said I had left six places, and I was upon the point
of carrying my complaisance so far, as to have left a
seventh open for them, — and in this very spot I stand on ;
but being told by a Critic, (tho' not by occupation, — but bv
nature) that I had acquitted myself well enough, I shall fill
it up directly, h(jping, in the mean time, that I shall be able
to make a great deal of more room next year.
— How, in the name of wonder! could your uncle Toby,
who, it seems, was a military man, and whom you have
represented as no fool, — be at the same time such a con-
fused, pudding-headed, muddle-headed fellow, as — Go
look.
So, Sir Critic, I could have replied; but I scorn ir. —
'Tis language unurbane, — and only befitting the man who
cannot give clear and satisfactory accounts of things, or dive
deep enough into the first causes of human ignorance and
confusion. It is moreover the reply valiant — and there-
fore I reject it: for tho' it might have suited my uncle
Toby's character as a soldier excellently well, — and had he
not accustomed himself, in such attacks, to whistle the
Lillabulleroy as he wanted no courage, 'tis the very answer
he would have given ; yet it would by no means have done
for me. You see as plain as can be, that I write as a man
74 TRISTRAM SHANDY book n
of erudition; that even my similes, my allusions, my illus-
trations, my metaphors, are erudite, — and that I must sus-
tain my character properly, and contrast it properly too, —
else what would become of me? Why, Sir, I should be
undone; — at this very moment that I am going here to
fill up one place against a critic, — I should have made an
opening for a couple.
— Therefore I answer thus:
Pray, Sir, in all the reading which you have ever read,
did you ever read such a book as Locke's Essay upon the
Human Understanding? — Don't answer me rashly — be-
cause many, I know, quote the book, who have not read it —
and many have read it who understand it not: — If either of
these is your case, as I write to instruct, I will tell you in
three words what the book is. — It is a history, — A history!
of who? what? where? when? Don't hurry yourself —
It is a history-book. Sir, (which may possibly recommend
it to the world) of what passes in a man's own mind; and
if you will say so much of the book, and no more, believe
me, you will cut no contemptible figure in a metaphysic
circle.
But this by the way.
Now if you will venture to go along with me, and look
down into the bottom of this matter, it will be found that
the cause of obscurity and confusion, in the mind of a man,
is threefold.
Dull organs, dear Sir, in the first place. Secondly, slight
and transient impressions made by the objects, when the said
organs are not dull. And thirdly, a memory like unto a
sieve, not able to retain what it has received. — Call down
Dolly your chamber-maid, and I will give you my cap and
bell along with it, if I make not this matter so plain that
Dolly herself should understand it as well as Malebranch.
— When Dolly has indited her epistle to Robin, and has
thrust her arm into the bottom of her pocket hanging by her
CHAP. 2 TRISTRAM SHANDY 75
right side; — take that opportunity to recollect that the organs
and faculties of perception can, by nothing in this world be
so aptly typified and explained as by that one thing which
Dolly's hand is in search of. — Your organs are not so dull
that I should inform vou — 'tis an inch, Sir, of red seal-wax.
When this is melted and dropped upon the letter, if Dolly
fumbles too long for her thimble, till the wax is over
hardened, it will not receive the mark of her thimble from
the usual impulse which was wont to imprint it. Very
well. If Dolly's wax, for want of better, is bees- wax, or
of a temper too soft, — tho' it mav receive, — it will not hold
the impression, how hard soever Dolly thrusts against it; and
last of all, supposing the wax good, and eke the thimble,
but applied thereto in careless haste, as her Mistress rings
the bell; — in any one of these three cases the print left
by the thimble will he as imlike the prototype as a brass-
jack.
Now you must understand that not one of these
was the true cause of the confusion in my uncle Toby's
discourse; and it is for that very reason I enlarge upon
them so long, after the manner of great physiologists — to
shew the world, v\hat it did 7iot arise from.
What it did arise from, I have hinted above, and a
fertile source of obscurity it is, — and ever will be, — and
that is the unsteady uses of words, which have perplexed
the clearest and most exalted understandings.
It is ten to one (at Arthur's) whether you have ever read
the literary histories of past ages; — if you have, what ter-
rible battles, 'yclept logomachies, have they occasioned and
perpetuated with so much gall and ink-shed, — that a good-
n.itured man cannot read the accounts of them without
tears in his eyes.
Gentle critic! when thou hast weighed all this, and con-
sidered within thyself how much of th\ own knowledge,
discourse, and conversation has been pestered and disordered,
76 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
at one time or other, by this, and this only: — What a pudder
and racket in Councils about ouci'a and Onooraoic; and in
the Schools of the learned about power and about spirit; —
about essences, and about quintessences; — about substances,
and about space. — What confusion in greater Theatres from
words of little meaning, and as indeterminate a sense! when
thou considerest this, thou wilt not wonder at my uncle
Toby's perplexities, — thou wilt drop a tear of pity upon his
scarp and his counterscarp; — his glacis and his covered-way;
— his ravelin and his half-moon: 'Twas not by ideas, — by
Heaven; his life was put in jeopardy by words.
Chapter 5
When my uncle Toby got his map of Namur to his mind,
he began immediately to apply himself, and with the utmost
diligence, to the study of it; for nothing being of more im-
portance to him than his recovery, and his recovery depend-
ing, as you have read, upon the passions and affections of
his mind, it behoved him to take the nicest care to make
himself so far master of his subject, as to be able to talk
upon it without emotion.
In a fortnight's close and painful application, which, by
the bye, did my uncle Toby's wound, upon his groin, no
good, — he was enabled, by the help of some marginal docu-
ments at the feet of the elephant, together with Gobesius's
military architecture and pyroballogy, translated from the
Flemish, to form his discourse with passable perspicuity;
and before he was two full months gone, — he was right
eloquent upon it, and could make not only the attack of the
advanced counterscarp with great order; — but having, by
that time, gone much deeper into the art, than what his first
motive made necessary, my uncle Toby was able to cross
the Maes and Sambre; make diversions as far as Vauban'?
line, the abbey of Salsines, etc., and give his visitors as dis-
tinct a history of each of their attacks, as of that of the
CHAP. 3 TRISTRAM SHANDY 77
gate of St. Nicolas, where he had the honour to receive his
wound.
But desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, in-
creases ever with the acquisition of it. The more my uncle
Toby pored over his map, the more he took a liking to it! —
by the same process and electrical assimilation, as I told
you, through which I ween the souls of connoisseurs them-
selves, by long friction and incumbition, have tlie happi-
ness, at length, to get all be-virtued — be-pictured, — be-
buttcrflied, and be-fiddled.
The more my uncle Toby drank of this sweet fountain of
science, the greater was the heat and impatience of his
thirst, so that before the first year of his confinement had
well gone round, there was scarce a fortified town in Italy
or Flanders, of which, by one means or other, he had not
procured a plan, reading over as he got them, and carefully
collating therewith the histories of their sieges, their demoli-
tions, their improvements, and new works, all which he
would read with that intense application and delight, that
he would forget himself, his wound, his confinement, his
dinner.
In the second year my uncle Toby purchased Ramelli
and Cataneo, translated from the Italian; — likewise Ste-
vinus, Moralis, the Chevalier de Ville, Lorini, Cochorn,
Sheeter, the Count de Pagan, the Marshal Vauban, Mons.
Blondel, with almost as many more books of military archi-
tecture, as Don Quixote was found to have of chivalry,
when the curate and barber invaded his library.
Towards the beginning of the third year, which was in
August, ninety-nine, my uncle Toby found it necessary tc
understand a little of projectiles: — and having judged it
best to draw his knowledge from the fountain-head, he
began with N. Tartaglia, who it seems was the first man
who detected the imposition of a cannon-ball's doing all
that mischief under the notion of a ri^ht line — This N.
78 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
Tartaglia proved to my uncle Toby to be an impossible
thing.
— Endless is the search of Truth.
No sooner was my uncle Toby satisfied which road the
cannon-ball did not go, but he was insensibly led on, and
resolved in his mind to enquire and find out which road the
ball did go: For which purpose he was obliged to set off
afresh with old Maltus, and studied him devoutly. — He
proceeded next to Galileo and Torricellius, wherein, by cer-
tain Geometrical rules, infallibly laid down, he found the
precise part to be a Parabola — or else an Hyperbola, — and
that the parameter, or latus rectum^ of the conic section of
the said path, was to the quantity and amplitude in a direct
ratio, as the whole line to the sine of double the angle of
incidence, formed by the breech upon an horizontal plane;
— and that the semi-parameter, — stop! my dear uncle Toby
— stop! — go not one foot farther into this thorny and be-
wildered track, — intricate are the steps! intricate are the
mazes of this labyrinth ! intricate are the troubles which the
pursuit of this bewitching phantom Knowledge will bring
upon thee. — O my uncle; — fly — fly, fly from it as from
a serpent. — Is it fit — good-natured man! thou should'st sit
up, with the wound upon thy groin, whole nights baking thy
blood with hectic watchings? — Alas! 'twill exasperate thy
symptoms, — check thy perspirations — evaporate thy spirits
— waste thy animal strength, — dry up thy radical moisture,
bring thee into a costive habit of body, — impair thy health,
— and hasten all the infirmities of thy old age. — O my
uncle! my uncle Toby.
Chaffer ^
I WOULD not give a groat for that man's knowledge in pen-
craft, who does not understand this, — that the best plain
narrative in the world, tacked very close to the last spirited
apostrophe to my uncle Toby — would have felt both cold
CHAP. 4 TRISTRAM SHANDY' 79
and vapid upon the reader's palate; — therefore I forthwith
put an end to the chapter, though I was in the middle of my
StOf)'.
— Writers of my stamp have one principle in common
with painters. Where an exact copying makes our pic-
tures less striking, we choose the less evil; deeming it even
more pardonable to trespass against truth, than beauty.
This is to be understood cum grano salts ; but be it as it will,
— as the parallel is made more for the sake of letting the
apostrophe cool, than any thing else, — 'tis not very material
whether upon any other score the reader approves of it or not.
In the latter end of the third year, my uncle Toby per-
ceiving that the parameter and semi-parameter of the conic
section angered his wound, he left off the study of pro-
jectiles in a kind of a huff, and betook himself to the
practical part of fortification only; the pleasure of which,
like a spring held back, returned upon him with redoubled
force.
It was in this year that my uncle began to break in upon
the daily regularity of a clean shirt, — to dismiss his barber
unshaven, — and to allow his surgeon scarce time sufficient
to dress his wound, concerning himself so little about it,
as not to ask him once in seven times dressing, how it went
on: when, lo! — all of a sudden, for the change was quick
as lightning, he began to sigh heavily for his recovery, —
complained to my father, grew impatient with the surgeon:
— and one morning, as he heard his foot coming up stairs,
he shut up his books, and thrust aside his instruments, in
order to expostulate with him upon the protraction of the
cure, which, he told him, might surely have been accom-
plished at least by that time: — He dwelt long upon the mis-
eries he had undergone, and the sorrows of his four years'
melancholy imprisonment; — adding, that had it not been
for the kind looks and fraternal cheerings of the best of
brothers, — he had long since sunk under his misfortunes. —
8o TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
My father was by: My uncle Toby's eloquence brought
tears into his eyes; — 'twas unexpected: — My uncle Toby,
by nature was not eloquent; — it had the greater effect; —
The surgeon was confounded; — not that there wanted
grounds for such, or greater marks of impatience, — but
'twas unexpected too; in the four years he had attended
him, he had never seen any thing like it in my uncle Toby's
carriage; he had never once dropped one fretful or dis-
contented word; — he had been all patience, — all submission.
— We lose the right of complaining sometimes by for-
bearing it; — but we often treble the force: — The surgeon
was astonished; but much more so, when he heard my uncle
Toby go on, and peremptorily insist upon his healing up the
wound directly, — or sending for Monsieur Ronjat, the
king's scrjeant-surgeon, to do it for him.
The desire of life and health is implanted in man's na-
ture; — the love of liberty and enlargement is a sister-pas-
sion to it: These my uncle Toby had in common with his
species; — and either of them had been sufficient to account
for his earnest desire to get well and out of doors; — but I
have told you before, that nothing wrought with our family
after the common way; — and from the time and manner
in which this eager desire shewed itself in the present case,
the penetrating reader will suspect there was some other
cause or crotchet for it in my uncle Toby's head: — There
was so, and 'tis the subject of the next chapter to set forth
what that cause and crotchet was. I own, when that's done,
'twill be time to return back to the parlour fire-side, where
we left my uncle Toby in the middle of his sentence.
Chafter 5
When a man gives himself up to the government of a rul-
ing passion, — or, in other words, when his Hobby-Horse
grows headstrong, — farewell cool reason and fair discretion !
My uncle Toby's wound was near well, and as soon as
CHAP. 5 TRISTRAM SHANDY 8i
the surgeon recovered his surprise, .ind (.ouKl get leave to
say as much — he told him, 'twas just luginning to incar-
nate; and that if no fresh exfoliation happened, which there
was no sign of, — it would be dried up in five or six weeks.
The sound of as many Olympiads, twelve hjurs before,
would have conveyed an idea of shorter dur.^tion to my
uncle Toby's mind. — The succession of his ideas was now
rapid, — lie broiled with impatience to put his design in execu-
tion; — and so, without consulting farther with any soul
living, — which, by the bye, I think is right, when you are
predetermined to take no one soul's advice, — he privately
ordered Trim, his man, to pack up a bundle of lint and
dressings, and hire a chariot-and-four to be at the door
exactly by twelve o'clock that day, when he knew my father
would be upon 'Change. — So leaving a bank-note upon the
table for the surgeon's care of him, and a letter of tender
thanks for his brother's — he packed up his maps, his books
of fortification, his instruments, etc., and by the help of a
crutch on one side, and Trim on the other, — my uncle
Toby embarked for Shandy-Hall.
The reason, or rather the rise of this sudden demigra-
tion was as follows*
The table in my uncle Toby's room, and at which, the
night before this change happened, he was sitting with his
maps, etc., about him — being somewhat of the smallest,
for that infinity of great and small instruments of knowl-
edge which usually lay crowded upon it — he had the acci-
dent, in reaching over for his tobacco-box, to throw down
his compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up,
with his sleeve he threw down his case of instruments and
snuflFers; — and as the dice took a run against him, in his
endeavouring to catch the snuffers in falling — he thrust
Monsieur Blondel oflF the table, and Count dc Pagan o'top
of him.
'Twas to no purpose for a man, lame as my uncle Toby
82 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
was, to think of redressing these evils by himself, — he rung
his bell for his man Trim; Trim, quoth my uncle
Toby, prithee see what confusion I have here been making
— I must have some better contrivance. Trim, — Can'st not
thou take my rule, and measure the length and breadth of
this table, and then go and bespeak me one as big again? —
Yes, an' please your Honour, replied Trim, making a bow;
but I hope your Honour will be soon well enough to get
down to your country-seat, where, — as your Honour takes
so much pleasure in fortification, we could manage this
matter to a T.
I must here inform you, that this servant of my uncle
Toby's, who went by the name of Trim, had been a cor-
poral in my uncle's own company, — his real name was
James Butler, — but having got the nick-name of Trim in
the regiment, my uncle Toby, unless when he happened
to be very angry with him, would never call him by any
other name.
The poor fellow had been disabled for the service, by a
wound on his left knee by a musket-bullet, at the battle of
Landen, which was two years before the affair of Namur;
— and as the fellow was well-beloved in the regiment, and
a handy fellow into the bargain, my uncle Toby took him
for his servant; and of an excellent use was he, attending
my uncle Toby in the camp and in his quarters as a valet,
groom, barber, cook, sempster, and nurse; and indeed, from
first to last, waited upon him and served him with great
fidelity and affection.
My uncle Toby loved the man in return, and what at-
tached him more to him still, was the similitude of their
knowledge. — For Corporal Trim, (for so, for the future,
I shall call him) by four years' occasional attention to his
Master's discourse upon fortified towns, and the advantage
of prying and peeping continually into his Master's plans,
etc., exclusive and besides what he gained Hobby-Horsically,
CHAP. 5 TRISTRAM SHANDY 83
as a body-servant, Non Hobby Horslcal per se; — had become
no mean proficient in the science; and was thought, by the
cook and chamber-maid, to know as much of the nature
of strongholds as my uncle Toby himself.
I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal
Trim's character, — and it is the only dark line in it. — The
fellow loved to advise, — or rather to hear himself talk;
his carriage, however, was so perfectly respectful, 'twas
easy to keep him silent when you had him so; but set his
tongue a-going, — you had no hold of him — he was voluble
— the eternal interlardings of "your Honour," with the re-
spectfulness of Corporal Trim's manner, interceding so
strong in behalf of his elocution, that though you might
have been incommoded, — you could not well be angry. Mv
uncle Toby was seldom either the one or the other with him
— or, at least, this fault, in Trim, broke no squares with
them. My uncle Toby, as I said, loved the man; — and
besides, as he ever looked upon a faithful servant, — but as
an humble friend, — he could not bear to stop his mouth.
— Such was Corporal Trim.
If I durst presume, continued Trim, to give your Honour
my advice, and speak my opinion in this matter. — Thou art
welcome. Trim, quoth my uncle Toby — speak, — speak
what thou thinkcst upon the subject, man, without fear.
Why then, replied Trim, (not hanging his ears and scratch-
ing his head like a country-lout, but) stroking his hair back
from his forehead, and standing erect as before his division,
— I think, quoth Trim, advancing his left, which was his
lame leg, a little forwards, — and pointing with his right
hand open towards a map of Dunkirk, which was pinned
against the hangings, — I think, quoth Corporal Trim, with
humble submission to your Honour's better judgment, —
that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and hornworks, make
but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of it
h'jre upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I
84 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
could make of it were we in the country by ourselves, and
had but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground to do what
we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued Trim,
your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the nog-
raphy — (Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle,) — of the
town or citadel, your Honour was pleased to sit down before,
— and I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis of it,
if I did not fortify it to your Honour's mind — 1 dare say
thou would'st, Trim, quoth my uncle. — For if your Honour,
continued the Corporal, could but mark me the polygon,
with its exact lines and angles — That I could do very well,
quoth my uncle. — I would begin with the fosse, and if
your Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth —
I can to a hair's breadth. Trim, replied my uncle. — I would
throw out the earth upon this hand towards the town for the
scarp, — and on that hand towards the campaign for the
counterscarp. — Very right. Trim, quoth my uncle Toby: —
And when I had sloped them to your mind, — an' please
your Honour, I would face the glacis, as the finest fortifi-
cations are done in Flanders, with sods, — and as your
Plonour knows they should be, — and I would make the walls
and parapets with sods too. — The best engineers call them
gazons. Trim, said my uncle Toby. — Whether they are
gazons or sods, is not much matter, replied Trim; your
Honour knows they are ten. times beyond a facing either of
brick or stone. — I know they are, Trim, in some respects, —
quoth my uncle Toby, nodding his head; — for a cannonball
enters into the gazon right onwards, without bringing any
rubbish down with it, which might fill the fosse, (as was the
case at St. Nicolas's gate) and facilitate the passage over it.
Your Honour understands these matters, replied Corporal
Trim, better than any officer in his Majesty's service; —
hut would your Honour please let the bespeaking of the
table alone, and let us but go into the country, I would work
under your Honour's directions like a horse, and make
CHAP. 5 TRISTRAM SHANDY 85
fortifications for you something like a tansy, with all their
batteries, saps, ditches, and palisades, that it should be worth
all the world's riding twenty miles to go and see it.
My uncle Toby blushed as red as scarlet as Trim went
on; — but it was not a blush of guilt, — of modesty, — or of
anger, — it was a blush of joy; — he was fired with Corporal
Trim's project and description. — Trim! said my uncle
Toby, thou hast said enough. — We might begin the cam-
paign, continued Trim, on the very day that his Majesty
and the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by
town as fast as — Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, say no more,
'^'our Honour, continued Trim, might sit in your arm-
chair (pointing to it) this fine weather, giving me your
orders, and I would — Say no more. Trim, quoth my uncle
Toby — Besides, your Honour would get not only pleasure
and good pastime, — but good air, and good exercise, and
good health, — and your Honour's wound would be well in
a month. Thou hast said enough. Trim, — quoth mv uncle
Toby (putting his hand into his breeches-pocket) — I like
thy project mightily. — And if your Honour pleases, I'll this
moment go and buy a pioneer's spade to take down with us,
and I'll bespeak a shovel and a pick-axe, and a couple of —
Say no more. Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, leaping up
upon one leg, quite overcome with rapture, — and thrusting
a guinea into Trim's hand, — Trim, said my uncle Tobv, say
no more; — but go down. Trim, this moment, my lad, and
bring up my supper this instant.
Trim ran down and brought up his master's supper, —
to no purpose: — Trim's plan of operation ran so in my uncle
Toby's head, he could not taste it. — Trim, quoth my uncle
Toby, get me to bed. — 'Twas all one. — Corporal Trim's
description had fired his imagination, — my uncle Toby could
not shut his eyes. — The more he considered it, the more be-
witching the scene appeared to him;so that, two full hours
before day-light, he had come to a final determination, and
86 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
had concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal Trim's
decampment.
My uncle Toby had a little neat country-house of his
own, in the village where my father's estate lay at Shandy,
which had been left him by an old uncle, with a small estate
of about one hundred pounds a-year. Behind this house,
and contiguous to it, wa« a kitchen-garden of about half an
acre; and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it by
a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, containing just
about as much ground as Corporal Trim wished for; — so
that as Trim uttered the words, "A rood and a half of
ground to do what they would with," — this identical bowl-
ing-green instantly presented itself, and became curiously
painted all at once, upon the retina of my uncle Toby's
fancy; — which was the physical cause of making him
change colour, or at least of heightening his blush, to that
immoderate degree I spoke of.
Never did lover post down to a beloved mistress with
more heat and expectation, than my uncle Toby did, to
enjoy this self-same thing in private; — I say in private; —
for it was sheltered from the house, as I told you, by a tall
yew hedge, and was covered on the other three sides, from
mortal sight, by rough holly and thick-set flowering shrubs:
— so that the idea of not being seen, did not a little con-
tribute to the idea of pleasure pre-conceived in my uncle
Toby's mind. — Vain thought! however thick it was planted
about, — or private soever it might seem, — to think, dear
uncle Toby, of enjoying a thing which took up a whole
rood and a half of ground, — and not have it known!
How my uncle Toby and Corporal Trim managed this
matter, — with the history of their campaigns, which were
no way barren of events, — may make no uninteresting un-
derplot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama. — At
present the scene must drop, — and change for the parlour
fire-side.
CHAP. 6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 87
Chapter 6
— What can they be doing, brother? said my father. — I
think, replied my uncle Toby, — taking, as I told you, his
pipe from his mouth, and striking the ashes out of it as
he began his sentence; — I think, replied he, — it would not
be amiss, brother, if we rung the bell.
Pray, what's all that racket over our heads, Obadiahr —
quoth my father; — my brother and I can scarce hear our-
selves speak.
Sir, answered Obadiah, making a bow towards his left
shoulder, — my Mistress is taken very badly. — And where's
Susannah running down the garden there, as if they were
going to ravish her? — Sir, she is running the shortest cut
into the town, replied Obadiah, to fetch the old midwife. —
Then saddle a horse, quoth mv father, and do you go di-
rectly for Dr. Slop, the man-midwife, with all our services,
— and let him know your mistress is fallen into labour — and
that I desire he will return with you with all speed.
It is ver)^ strange, says my father, addressing himself to
my uncle Toby, as Obadiah shut the door, — as there is so
expert an operator as Dr. Slop so near, — that my wife
should persist to the very last in this obstinate humour of
hers, in trusting the life of my child, who has had one mis-
fortune already, to the ignorance of an old woman; — and
not only the life of my child, brother, — but her own life,
and with it the lives of all the children I might, perad-
venture, have begot out of her hereafter.
Mayhap, brother, replied my uncle Toby, my sister does
it to save the expense: — A pudding's end, — replied my
father, — the Doctor must be paid the same for inaction as
action, — if not better, — to keep him in temper.
— Then it can be out of nothing in the whole world,
quoth my uncle Toby, in the simplicity of his heart, — but
Modesty. — My sister, I dare say, added he, does not care
88 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
to let a man come so near her ****. T will not say whether
my uncle Toby had completed the sentence or not; — 'tis
for his advantage to suppose he had, — as, I think, he could
have added no One Word which would have improved it.
If, on the contrary, my uncle Toby had not fully arrived
^t the period's end, — then the world stands indebted to the
sudden snapping of my father's tobacco-pipe for one of the
iieatest examples of that ornamental figure in oratory, which
Rhetoricians style the Aposiopesis — Just Heaven! how does
>;he Pocu f'ni and the Poco meno of the Italian artists; — the
insensible more or less, determine the precise line of beauty
in the sentence, as well as in the statue! How do the slight
touches of the chisel, the pencil, the pen, the fiddle-stick, et
caeteruy — :give the true swell, which gives the true pleasure!
— O my countrymen; — be nice; — be cautious of your lan-
guage; — and never, O! never let it be forgotten upon
what small particles your eloquence and your fame depend.
— "My sister, mayhap," quoth my uncle Toby, "does
not choose to let a man come so near her ****_" Make this
dash, — 'tis an Aposiopesis. — Take the dash away, and write
Backside, — 'tis Bawdy. — Scratch Backside out, and put Cov-
ered-way in, 'tis a Metaphor; and, I dare say, as fortification
ran so much in my uncle Toby's head, that if he had been
left to have added one word to the sentence, — that word
was it.
But whether that was the case or not the case; — or
whether the snapping of my father's tobacco-pipe, so criti-
cally, happened through accident or anger, will be seen
in due time.
Chaffer 7
Tho' my father was a good natural philosopher, — yet he
was something of a moral philosopher too; for which reason,
when his tobacco-pipe snapped short in the middle, — he had
nothing to do, as such, but to have taken hold of the two
ciiAP. 7 TRISTRAM SHANDY 89
pieces, and thrown them gently upon tlic back of the fire. —
He did no such thing; — he threw them with all the violence
in the world; — and, to give the action still more emphasis,
— he started upon both his legs to do it.
This looked something like heat; — and the maimer of his
reply to what my uncle Toby was saying, proved it was so.
— "Not choose," quoth my father, (repeating my uncle
Toby's words) "to let a man come so near her!" — By
Heaven, brother Toby! you would try the patience of Job;
— and I think I have the plagues of one already without
it. — Why? — Where? — Wherein? — Wherefore? — Upon
what account? replied my uncle Toby, in the utmost aston-
ishment. — To think, said my father, of a man living to
your age, brother, and knowing so little about women! — I
know nothing at all about them, — replied my uncle Toby:
And I think, continued he, that the shock I received the
year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in my affair with
widow Wadman; — which shock you know I should not
have received, but from my total ignorance of the sex, —
has given me just cause to say, That I neither know nor do
pretend to know anything about 'em or their concerns either.
— Methinks, brother, replied my father, you might, at
least, know so much as the right end of a woman from
the wrong.
It is said in Aristotle's Master Piece, "That when a man
doth think of any thing which is past, — he looketh down
upon the ground; — but that when he thinketh of some-
thing that is to come, he looketh up towards the heavens."
My uncle Toby, I suppose, thought of neither, for he
looked horizontally. — Right end! quoth my uncle Tobj,
muttering the two words low to himself, and fixing his
two eyes insensibly as he muttered them, upon a small
crevice, formed by a bad joint in the chimnev-piece — Right
end of a woman! — I declare, quoth my uncle, I know no
more which it is than the man in the moon; — and if I was
90 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
to think, continued my uncle Toby (keeping his eye still
fixed upon the bad joint) this month together, I am sure I
should not be able to find it out.
Then, brother Toby, replied my father, I will tell you.
Every thing in this world, continued my father (filling
a fresh pipe) — every thing in this world, my dear brother
Toby, has two handles. — Not always, quoth my uncle Toby.
— At least, replied my father, every one has two hands, —
which comes to the same thing. — Now, if a man was to
sit down coolly, and consider within himself the make,
the shape, the construction, come-at-ability, and convenience
of all the parts which constitute the whole of that animal,
called Woman, and compare them analogically — I never
understood rightly the meaning of that word, — quoth my
uncle Toby. —
Analogy, replied my father, is the certain relation and
agreement which different — Here a devil of a rap at the
door snapped my father's definition (like his tobacco-pipe)
in two, — and, at the same time, crushed the head of as
notable and curious a dissertation as ever was engendered in
the womb of speculation; — it was some months before my
father could get an opportunity to be safely delivered of it:
— And, at this hour, it is a thing full as problematical as the
subject of the dissertation itself, — (considering the confu-
sion and distresses of our domestic misadventures, which arc
now coming thick one upon the back of another) whether
I shall be able to find a place for it in the third volume
or not.
Chafter 8
It is about an hour and a half's tolerable good reading since
my uncle Toby rung the bell, when Obadiah was ordered
to saddle a horse, and go for Dr. Slop, the man-midwife; —
so that no one can say, with reason, that I have not allowed
Obadiah time enough, poetically speaking, and considering
CHAP. 8 JRIS'IRAM SHANDY
91
the emergency too, both to go and conic; — though, morally
and truly speaking, the man perhaps has scarce had time to
get on his boots.
If the hypercritic will go upon this; and is resolved after
all to take a pendulum, and measure the true distance be-
twixt the ringing of the bell, and the rap at the door; — and,
after finding it to be no more than two minutes, thirteen
seconds, and three fifths, — should take upon him to insult
over me for such a breach in the unity, or rather probability
of time; — I would remind him, that the idea of duration,
and of its simple modes, is got merely from the train and
succession of our ideas, — and this is the true scholastic
pendulum, — and by which, as a scholar, I will be tried in
this matter, — abjuring and detesting the jurisdiction of all
other pendulums whatever.
I would therefore desire him to consider that it is but
poor eight miles from Shandy-Hall to Dr. Slop, the man-
midwife's house; — and that whilst Obadiah has been going
those said miles and back, I have brought my uncle Toby
from Namur, quite across all Flanders, into England: —
That I have had him ill upon my hands near four years; —
and have since travelled him and Corporal Trim in a chariot-
and-four, a journey of near two hundred miles down into
Yorkshire, — all which put together, must have prepared the
reader's imagination for the entrance of Dr. Slop upon the
stage, — as much, at least (I hope) as a dance, a song, or a
concerto between the acts.
If my hypercritic is intractable, alledging, that two min-
utes and thirteen seconds are no more than two minutes and
thirteen seconds, — when I have said all I can about them;
and that this plea, though it might save me dramatically, will
damn me biographically, rendering my book from this ver)-
moment, a professed Romance, which, before, was a book
apocryphal: — If I am thus pressed — I then put an end to
the whole objection and controversy about it all at once, —
92 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
by acquainting him, that Obadiah had not got above three-
score yards from the stable-yard before he met with Dr.
Slop; — and indeed he gave a dirty proof that he had met
with him, and was within an ace of giving a tragical one too.
Imagine to yourself; — but this had better begin a new
chapter.
Chapter p
Imagine to yourself a little squat, uncourtly figure of a
Doctor Slop, of about four feet and a half perpendicular
height, with a breadth of back, and a sesquipedality of belly,
which might have done honour to a Serjeant in the horse-
guards.
Such were the outlines of Dr. Slop's figure, which, — if
you have read Hogarth's analysis of beauty, and if you have
not, I wish you would; — you must know, may as certainly
be caricatured, and conveyed to the mind by three strokes
as three hundred.
Imagine such a one, — for such, I say, were the outlines
of Dr. Slop's figure, coming slowly along, foot by foot,
waddling thro' the dirt upon the vertebrae of a little di-
minutive pony, of a pretty colour — but of strength, — alack!
— scarce able to have made an amble of it, under such a
fardel, had the roads been in an ambling condition. — They
were not. — Imagine to yourself, Obadiah mounted upon a
strong monster of a coach-horse, pricked into a full gallop,
and making all practicable speed the adverse way.
Pray, Sir, let me interest you a moment in this description.
Had Dr. Slop beheld Obadiah a mile oflp, posting iji a
narrow lane directly toward him, at that monstrous rate, —
splashing and plunging like a devil thro' thick and thin, as
he approached, would not such a phenomenon, with such a
vortex of mud and water moving along with it, round its
axis, — have been a subject of just apprehension to Dr. Slop
in his situation, than the worst of Whiston's comets? — To
CHAF. 9 TRISTRAM SHANDY 93
say nothing of the Nucleus; that is, of Obadiah and the
coach-horse. — In my idea, the vortex alojic of 'cm was
enough to have involved and carried, if not the doctor, at
least the doctor's pony, quite away with it. What then do
you think must the terror and hydrophobia of Dr. Slop have
been, when you read (which you are just going to do) that
he was advancing thus warily along towards Shandy-Hall,
and had approached to within sixty yards of it, and within
five yards of a suildcn turn, made by an acute angle of the
garden-wall, — and in the dirtiest part of a dirty lane, —
when Obadiah and his coach-horse turned the corner, rapid,
furious, — pop,- -full upon him! — Nothing, I think, in na-
ture, can be supposed more terrible than such a rencounter,
— so i::iprompt! so ill prepared to stand the shock of it as
Dr. Slop was.
What could Dr. Slop do? — he crossed himself -f —
Pugh! — but the doctor. Sir, was a Papist. — No matter; he
had better have kept hold of the pummel. — He had so; —
nay, as it happened, he had better have done nothing at all;
for in crossing himself he let go his whip, — and in attempt-
ing to save his whip betwixt his knee and his saddle's skirt,
as it slipped, he lost his stirrup, — in losing which he lost his
seat; — and in the multitude of all these losses (which, by
the bye, shews what little advantage there is in crossing)
the unfortunate doctor lost his presence of mind. So that
without waiting for Obadiah's onset, he left his pony to
its destiny, tumbling off it diagonally, something in the style
and manner of a pack of wool, and without any other con-
sequence from the fall, save that of being left (as it would
have been) with the broadest part of him sunk about twelve
inches deep in the mire.
Obadiah pulled off his cap twice to Dr. Slop; — once as
he was falling, — and then again when he saw him seated. — â–
Ill-timed complaisance; — had not the fellow better have
stopped his horse, and got off and helped him? — Sir, he did
94 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
all that his situation would allow; but the Momentum of
the coach-horse was so great, that Obadiah could not do it
all at once; he rode in a circle three times round Dr. Slop,
before he could fully accomplish it any how; — and at the
last, when he did stop his beast, 'twas done with such an
explosion of mud, that Obadiah had better have been a
league off. In short, never was a Dr. Slop so beluted, and
so transubstantiated, since that affair came into fashion.
Chapter lO
When Dr. Slop entered the back parlour, where my father
and my uncle Toby were discoursing upon the nature of
women, — it was hard to determine whether Dr. Slop's
figure, or Dr. Slop's presence, occasioned more surprise to
them ; for as the accident liappencd so near the house, as
not to make it worth while for Obadiah to remount him, —
Obadiah had led him in as he was, unwiped, unappointed,
unannealed, with all his stains and blotches on him. — He
stood like Hamlet's ghost, motionless and speechless, for a
full minute and a half at the parlour-door (Obadiah still
holding his hand) with all the majesty of mud. His hinder
parts, upon which he had received his fall, totally besmeared,
— and in every other part of him, blotched over in such a
manner with Obadiah's explosion, that you would have
sworn (without mental reservation) that every grain of it
had taken effect.
Here was a fair opportunity for my uncle Toby to have
triumphed over my father in his turn; — for no mortal, who
had beheld Dr. Slop in that pickle, could have dissented from
so much, at least, of my uncle Toby's opinion, "That may-
hap his sister might not care to let such a Dr. Slop come so
near her *+**." But it was the Argumentum ad hominem;
and if my uncle Toby was not very expert at it, you may
think, he might not care to use it. — No; the reason was, —
'twas not his nature to insult.
CHAP. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 95
Dr, Slop's presence at that time, was no less problematical
than the mode of it; tho' it is certain, one moment's re-
flexion in my father might have solved it; for he had
apprized Dr. Slop but the week before, that my mother was
at her full reckoning; and as the doctor had heard nothing
since, 'twas natural and very political too in him, to have
taken a ride to Shandy-Hall, as he did, merely to see how
matters went on.
But my father's mind took unfortunately a wrong turn
in the investigation; running, like the hypercritic's, alto-
gether upon the ringing of the bell and the rap upon the
door, — measuring their distance, and keeping his mind so
intent upon the operation, as to have power to think of noth-
ing else, — commonplace infirmity of the greatest mathe-
maticians! working with might and main at the demonstra-
tion, and so wasting all their strength upon it, that they have
none left in them to draw the corollary, to do good with.
The ringing of the bell, and the rap upon the door,
struck likewise strong upon the scnsorium of my uncle
Toby, — but it excited a very different train of thoughts; —
the two irreconcileable pulsations instantly brought Stevinus,
the great engineer, along with them, into my uncle Toby's
mind. What business Stevinus had in this aflFair, — is the
greatest problem of all: — It shall be solved, — but not in the
next chapter.
Chapter IJ
Writing, when properly managed (as you may be sure I
think mine is) is but a different name for conversation. As
no one, who knows what he is about in good company,
would venture to talk all; — so no author, who understands
the just boundaries of decorum and good-breeding, would
presume to think all: The truest respect which you can pay
to the reader's understanding, is to halve this matter
96 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
amicably, and leave him something to imagine, in his turn,
as well as yourself.
For my own part, I am eternally paying him compli-
ments of this kind, and do all that lies in my power to
keep his imagination as busy as my own.
'Tis his turn now; — I have given an ample description
of Dr. Slop's sad overthrov/, and of his sad appearance in
the back-parlour; — his imagination must now go on with
it for a while.
Let the reader imagine then, that Dr. Slop has told his
tale — and in what words, and with what aggravations, his
fancy chooses; — Let him suppose, that Obadiah has told his
tale also, and with such rueful looks of aifected concern, as
he thinks best will contrast the two figures as they stand by
each other. — Let him imagine, that my father has stepped
upstairs to see my mother. — And, to conclude this work of
imagination, — let him imagine the doctor washed, — rubbed
down, and condoled, — felicitated, — got into a pair of Oba-
diah's pumps, stepping forwards towards the door, upon the
very point of entering upon action.
Truce! — truce, good Dr. Slop! — stay thy obstetric hand;
— return it safe into thy bosom to keep it warm — little dost
thou know what obstacles, — little dost thou think what hid-
den causes, retard its operation! — Hast thou. Dr. Slop, —
hast thou been intrusted with the secret articles of the
solemn treaty, which has brought thee into this place? —
Art thou aware that at this instant, a daughter of Lucina is
put obstetrically over thy head? Alas! — 'tis too true. —
Besides, great son of Pilumnus! what canst thou do? —
Thou hast come forth unarmed; — thou hast left thy tire-
tete, — thy new-invented forceps, — thy crotchet, — thy squirt,
and all thy instruments of salvation and deliverance, behind
thee, — By Heaven! at this moment they are hanging up in
a green bays bag, betwixt thy two pistols, at the bed's head!
CHAP. 12 TRISTRAM SHANDY 97
— Ring; — call; — send Obadiah hack upon the coach-horse
to bring them with all speed.
— Make great haste, Obadiah, quoth my father, and I'll
give thee a crown! — and quoth my uncle Toby, I'll give
him another.
Chafter 12
'^'OL'R sudden and unexpected arrival, quoth my uncle Toby,
addressing himself to Dr. Slop, (all three of them sitting
down to the fire together, as my uncle Toby began to speak)
— instantly brought the great Stevinus into my head, who,
you must know, is a favourite author with me. — Then,
added my father, making use of the argument Ad Cru-
vienarriy — I will lay twentv guineas to a single crown-piece,
(which will serve to give away to Obadiah when he gets
back) that this same Stevinus was some engineer or other, —
or has wrote something or other, either directly or indi-
rectly, upon the science of fortification.
He h.as so, — replied my uncle Toby. — I knew it, said mv
father, though, for the soul of me, I cannot see what kind
of connection there can be betwixt Dr. Slop's sudden com-
ing, and a discourse upon fortification; — yet I feared it. —
Talk of what we will, brother, — or let the occasion be never
so foreign or unfit for the subject, — you are sure to bring
it in. I would not, brother Toby, continued my father, —
I declare I would not have my head so full of curtins and
hornworks. — That I dare say you would not, quoth Dr.
Slop, interrupting him, and laughing most immoderately
at his pun.
Denis the critic could not detest and abhor a pun, or the
insinuation of a pun, more cordially than my father; — he
would grow testy upon it at any time; — but to be broke in
upon by one, in a serious discourse, was as bad, he would
say, as a fillip upon the nose; — he saw no diflFercnce.
98 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, addressing himself to Dr.
Slop, — the curtins my brother Shandy mentions here, have
nothing to do with bedsteads; — tho', I know Du Cange
says, "That bed-curtains, in all probability, have taken their
name from them"; nor have the hornworks he speaks of
any thing in the world to do with the hornworks of cuckol-
dom : — But the Curtin, Sir, is the word we use in fortifica-
tion, for that part of the wall or rampart which lies between
the two bastions and joins them — Besiegers seldom offer to
carry on their attack directly against the curtin, for this
reason, because they are so well flanked. ('Tis the case of
other curtains, quoth Dr. Slop, laughing.) However, con-
tinued my uncle Toby, to make them sure, we generally
choose to place ravelins before them, taking care only to
extend them beyond the fosse or ditch: — The common men,
who know very little of fortification, confound the ravelin
and the half-moon together, — tho' they are very different
things; — not in their figure or construction, for we make
them exactly alike in all points; — for they always consist
of two faces, making a salient angle, with the gorges not
straight, but in form of a crescent: — Where then lies the
difference.'' (quoth my father, a little testily.) — In their
situations, answered my uncle Toby: — For when a ravelin,
brother, stands before the curtin, it is a ravelin; and when
a ravelin stands before a bastion, then the ravelin is not a
ravelin; — it is a half-moon; — a half-moon likewise is a
half-mo©n, and no more, so long as it stands before its
bastion; — but was it to change place, and get before the
curtin, — 'twould be no longer a half-moon; a half-moon,
in that case, is not a half-moon; — 'tis no more than a
ravelin. — I think, quoth my father, that the noble science
of defence has its weak sides — as well as others.
— As for the horn work (high! ho! sighed my father)
which, continued my uncle Toby, my brother was speak-
ing of, they are a very considerable part of an outwork; —
CHAP. 12 TRISTRAM SHANDY 99
they arc called by the French engineers, Otivragr a corncy
and we generally make them to cover such places as we sus-
pect to be weaker than the rest; — 'tis formed by two epaul-
ments or demi-bastions — they are very pretty, — and if you
will take a walk, I'll engage to shew you one well worth
your trouble. — I own, continued my uncle Toby, when we
crown them, — they are much stronger, but then they are
very expensive, and take up a great deal of ground, so that,
in my opinion, they arc most of use to cover or defend the
head of a camp; otherwise the double tcnaille — By the
mother who bore us! — brother Toby, quoth my father, not
able to hold out any longer, — you would provoke a saint; —
here have you got us, I know not how, not only souse into
the middle of the old subject again: — But so full is your
head of these confounded works, that though my wife is
this moment in the pains of labour, and you hear her cry
out, yet nothing will serve "you but to carry off the man-
midwife. — Accoucheur^ — if you please, quoth Dr. Slop.
— With all my heart, replied my father, I don't care what
they call you, — but I wish the whole science of fortifica-
tion, with all its inventors, at the devil; — it has been the
death of thousands, — and it will be mine in the end. — I
would not, I would not, brother Toby, have my brains so
full of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, pallisadoes, ravelins,
half-moons, and such trumpery, to be proprietor of Namur,
and of all the towns in Flanders with it.
My uncle Toby was a man patient of injuries; — not
from want of courage, — I have told you in a former chap-
ter, "that he was a man of courage": — And will add here,
that where just occasions presented, or called it forth, — I
know no man under whose arm I would have sooner taken
shelter; — nor did this arise from any insensibility or obtuse-
ness of his intellectual parts; — for he felt this insult of
my father's as feelingly as a man could do; — but he was
of a peaceful, placid nature, — no jarring element in it, —
100 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
all was mixed up so kindly within him; my uncle Toby
had scarce a heart to retaliate upon a fly.
— Go — says he, one day at dinner, to an over-grown one
which had buzzed about his nose, and tormented him cruelly
all dinner-time, — and which after infinite attempts, he had
caught at last, as it flew by him; — I'll not hurt thee, says
my uncle Toby, rising from his chair, and going across the
room, with the fly in his hand, — I'll not hurt a hair of thy
head: — Go, says he, lifting up the sash, and opening his
hand as he spoke, to let it escape; — go, poor devil, get thee
gone, why should I hurt thee? — This world surely is wide
enough to hold both thee and me.
I was but ten years old when this happened: but whether
it was, that the action itself was more in unison to my
nerves at that age of pity, which instantly set my whole
frame into one vibration of most pleasurable sensation; —
or how far the manner and expression of it might go
towards it; — or in what degree, or by what secret magic, —
a tone of voice and harmony of movement, attuned by
mercy, might find a passage to my heart, I know not; —
this I know, that the lesson of universal good-will then
taught and imprinted by my uncle Toby, has never since
been worn out of my mind: And tho' I would not depreciate
what the study of the Literae human'tores, at the university,
have done for me in that respect, or discredit the other helps
of an expensive education bestowed upon me, both at home
and abroad since; — yet I often think that I owe one half
of my philanthropy to that one accidental impression.
£^^ This is to serve for parents and governors instead of
a whole volume upon the subject.
I could not give the reader this stroke in my uncle Toby's
picture, by the instrum.ent with which I drew the other
parts of it, — that taking in no more than the mere Hobby-
Horsical likeness: — this is a part of his moral character.
My father, in this patient endurance of wrongs, which I
CHAP. 12 I'RISTRAM SHANDY loi
mention, was vcr)' difFerent, as the reader must long ago
have noted; he had a much more acute and quick sensibility
of nature, attended with a little soreness of temper; tho'
this never transported him to any thing which looked like
malignancy: — yet in the little rubs and vexations of life,
'twas apt to shew itself in a droUish and witty kind of
peevishness: — He was, however, frank and generous in his
nature; — at all times open to conviction; and in the little
ebullitions of this subacid humour towards others, but par-
ticularly towards my uncle Toby, whom he truly loved: —
he would feel more pain, ten times told (except in the affair
of my aunt Dinah, or where an hypothesis was concerned)
than what he ever gave.
The characters of the two brothers, in this view of them,
reflected light upon each other, and appeared with great
advantage in this affair which arose about Stevinus.
I need not tell the reader, if he keeps a Hobby-Horsc, —
that a man's Hobbv-Horse is as tender a part as he has
about him; and that these unprovoked strokes at my uncle
Toby's could not be unfelt by him. — No: — as I said above,
my uncle Toby did feel them, and very sensibly too.
Pray, Sir, what said her — How did he behave? — O,
Sir! — it was great: For as soon as my father had done in-
sulting his Hobby-Horsc, — he turned his head without the
least emotion, from Dr. Slop, to whom he was addressing
his discourse, and looking up into my father's face, with a
countenance spread over with so much good-nature; — so
placid; — so fraternal; — so inexpressibly tender towards
him: — it penetrated my father to his heart: He rose up
hastily from his chair, and seizing hold of both my uncle
Tobv's hands as he spoke: — Brother Toby, said he — I beg
thy pardon; — forgive, I pray thee, this rash humour which
my mother gave me. — My dear, dear brother, answered my
uncle Toby, rising up by my father's help, say no more
about it; — you are heartily welcome, had it been ten times
102 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
as much, brother. But 'tis ungenerous, replied my father,
to hurt any man; — a brother worse; — but to hurt a brother
of such gentle manners, — so unprovoking, — and so un-
resenting; — 'tis base: — By Heaven, 'tis cowardly. — You are
heartily welcome, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, — had it
been fifty times as much. — Besides, what have I to do, my
dear Toby, cried my father, either with your amusements
or your pleasures, unless it was in my power (which it is
not) to increase their measure?
— Brother Shandy, answered my uncle Toby, looking
wistfully in his face, — you are much mistaken in this point:
— for you do increase my pleasure very much, in begetting
children for the Shandy family at your time of life. — But,
by that. Sir, quoth Dr. Slop. Mr. Shandy increases his own.
— Not a jot, quoth my father.
Chapter /j
My brother does it, quoth my uncle Toby, out of principle.
— In a family way, I suppose, quoth Dr. Slop. — Pshaw! —
said my father, — 'tis not worth talking of.
Chapter /</
At the end of the last chapter, my father and my uncle
Toby were left both standing, like Brutus and Cassius, at
the close of the scene, making up their accounts.
As my father spoke the three last words, — he sat down;
— my uncle Toby exactly followed his example, only, that
before he took his chair, he rung the bell, to order Corporal
Trim, who was in waiting, to step home for Stevinus: — my
uncle Toby's house being no farther off than the opposite
side of the way.
Some men would have dropped the subject of Stevinus;
— but my uncle Toby had no resentment in his heart, and
he went on with the subject, to shew my father that he had
none.
CHAP. 14 TRISTRAM SHANDY 103
Your sudden appearance, Dr. Slop, quoth my uncle, re-
suming his discourse, instantly brought Stevinus into my
head. (My father, you may be sure, did not offer to lay
anv more wagers upon Stevinus's head.) — Because, con-
tinued my uncle Tohv, the celebrated sailing chariot, which
belonged to Prince Maurice, and was of such wonderful
contrivance and velocity, as to carry half a dozen people
thirty German miles, in I don't know how few minutes, —
was invented by Stevinus, that great mathematician and en-
gineer.
You might have spared your servant the trouble, quoth
Dr. Slop (as the fellow is lame), of going for Stevinus's
account of it, because in my return from Leyden thro' the
Hague, I walked as far as Schevling, which is two long
miles, on purpose to take a view of it.
That's nothing, replied my uncle Toby, to what the
learned Peireskius did, who walked a matter of five hundred
miles, reckoning from Paris to Schevling, and from Schev-
ling to Paris back again, in order to see it, — and nothing
else.
Some men cannot bear to be out-gone.
The more fool Peireskius, replied Dr. Slop. But mark,
'twas out of no contempt of Peireskius at all; — but that
Peireskius's indefatigable labour in trudging so far on foot,
out of love for the sciences, reduced the exploit of Dr. Slop,
in that affair, to nothing: — the more fool Peireskius, said
he again. — Why so: — replied my father, taking his brother's
part, not only to make reparation as fast as he could for
the insult he had given him, which sat still upon my father's
mind; — but partly, that my father began really to interest
himself in the discourse. — Why so? — said he. Why is
Peireskius, or any man else, to be abused for an appetite
for that, or any other morsel of sound knowledge: For not-
withstanding I know nothing of the chariot in question,
continued he, the inventor of it must have had a very me-
104 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
chanical head ; and tho' I cannot guess upon what principles
of philosophy he has achieved it; — yet certainly his machine
has been constructed upon solid ones, be they what they
will, or it could not have answered at the rate my brother
mentions.
It answered, replied my uncle Toby, as well, if not bet-
ter; for, as Peireskius elegantly expresses it, speaking of the
velocity of its motion, Tarn citus erat, quarn erat ventus;
which, unless I have forgot my Latin, is, that it was as
swift as the wind itself.
But pray, Dr. Slop, quoth my father, interrupting my
uncle (tho' not without begging pardon for it at the same
time) upon what principles was this self -same chariot set
a-going? — Upon very pretty principles to be sure, replied
Dr. Slop: — And I have often wondered, continued he,
evading the question, why none of our gentry, who live
upon large plains like this of ours, — (especially they whose
wives are not past child-bearing) attempt nothing of this
kind; for it would not only be infinitely expeditious upon
sudden calls, to which the sex is subject, — if the wind only
served, — but would be excellent good husbandry to make
use of the winds, which cost nothing, and which eat noth-
ing, rather than horses, which (the devil take 'em) both
cost and eat a great deal.
For that very reason, replied my father, "Because they
cost nothing, and because they eat nothing," — the scheme is
bad; — it is the consumption of our products, as well as the
manufactures of them, which gives bread to the hungry,
circulates trade, — brings in money, and supports the value
of our lands; — and tho', I own, if I was a Prince, I would
generously recompense the scientific head which brought
forth such contrivances; — yet I would as peremptorily sup-
press the use of them.
My father here had got into his element, — and was go-
ing on as prosperously with his dissertation upon trade, as
CHAP. 15 TRISTRAM SHANDY 105
my uncle Toby had before, upon his of fortification; — but
to the loss of much sound knowledge, the destinies in the
morning had decreed that no dissertation of any kind should
be spun by my father that day, — for as he opened his mouth
to begin the next sentence.
Chapter 75
In popped Corporal Trim with Stevinus: — But 'twas too
late, — all the discourse had been exhausted without him,
and was running into a new channel.
— You may take the book home again, Trim, said my
uncle Toby, nodding to him.
But prithee, Corporal, quoth my father, drolling, — look
first into it, and see if thou canst spy aught of a sailing
chariot in it.
Corporal Trim, by being in the service, had learned to
obey, — and not to remonstrate; — so taking the book to a
side-table, and running over the leaves; An' please your
Honour, said Trim, I can see no such thing; — however,
continued the Corporal, drolling a little in his turn, I'll
make sure work of it, an' please your Honour; — so taking
hold of the two covers of the book, one in each hand, and
letting the leaves fall down, as he bent the covers back,
he gave the book a good sound shake.
There is something falling out, however, said Trim, an'
please your Honour; — but it is not a chariot, or any thing
like one: — Prithee, Corporal, said my father, smiling, what
is it then? — I think, answered Trim, stooping to take it up,
— 'tis more like a sermon, — for it begins with a text of
scripture, and the chapter and verse; — and then goes on, not
as a chariot, but like a sermon directly.
The company smiled.
I cannot conceive how it is possible, quoth my uncle
Toby, for such a thing as a sermon to have got into my
Stevinus.
io6 TRISTRAM SHAND^- book ii
I think 'tis a sermon, rt-plicd Trim; — hut if it please your
Honours, as it is a fair liand, I will read you a page; — for
Trim, you must know, loved to hear himself read almost
as well as talk.
I have ever a strong propensity, said my father, to look
into things which cross my way, by such strange fatalities
as these; — and as we have nothing better to do, at least till
Obadiah gets back, I shall be obliged to you, brother, if Dr.
Slop has no objection to it, to order the Corporal to give us
a page or two of it, — if he is as able to do it, as he seems
willing. An' please your Honour, quoth Trim, I officiated
two whole campaigns, in Flanders, as clerk to the chaplain
of the regiment. — He can read it, quoth my uncle Toby, as
well as I can. — Trim, I assure you, was the best scholar
in my company, and should have had the next halberd, but
for the poor fellow's misfortune. Corporal Trim laid his
hand upon his heart, and made an humble bow to his
master; — then laying down his hat upon the floor, and
taking up the sermon in his left hand, in order to have his
right at liberty, — he advanced, nothing doubting, into the
middle of the room where he could best see, and be best
seen by his audience.
Chapter i6
— If you have any objection, — said my father, addressing
himself to Dr. Slop. Not in the least, replied Dr. Slop; —
for it does not appear on which side of the question it is
wrote; — it may be a composition of a divine of our church,
as well as yours, — so that we run equal risks. — 'Tis wrote
upon neither side, quoth Trim, for 'tis only upon Conscience,
an' please your Honours.
Trim's reason put his audience into good humour, — all
but Dr. Slop, who turning his head about towards Trim,
looked a little angry.
CHAP, i; TRISTRAM SHANDY 107
Begin, Trim, — and read distinctly, quoth my father. —
I will, an' please your Honour, replied the Corporal, making
a bow, and bespeaking attention with a slight movement of
his right hand.
Chaffer //
— But before the Corporal begins, I must first give you
a description of his attitude; — otherwise he will naturally
stand represented, by your imagination, in an uneasy posture,
— stiff, — perpendicular, — dividing the weight of his bodv
equally upon both legs; — his eye fixed, as if on duty; — his
look determined, — clenching the sermon in his left hand,
like his firelock. — In a word, you would be apt to paint
Trim, as if he was standing in his platoon ready for action.
— His attitude was as unlike all this as you can conceive.
He stood before them with his body swayed, and bent
forwards just so far, as to make an angle of 85 degrees and
a half upon the plain of the horizon; — which sound orators,
to whom I address this, know very well to be the true per-
suasive angle of incidence; — in any other angle you may
talk and preach; — 'tis certain; — and it is done every dav;
— but with what effect, — I leave the world to judge!
The necessit)' of this precise angle of 85 degrees and
a half to a mathematical exactness, — does it not shew us,
by the way, how the arts and sciences mutually befriend
each other:
How the deuce Corporal Trim, who knew not so much
as an acute angle from an obtuse one, came to hit it so
exactly; — or whether it was chance or nature, or good sense
or imitation, etc., shall be commented upon in that part of
the cyclopaedia of arts and sciences, where the instrumental
parts of the eloquence of the senate, the pulpit, and the bar,
the coffee-house, the bed-chamber, and fire-side, fall under
consideration.
/o8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
He stood, — for 1 repeat it, to take the picture of him in
at one view, with his body swayed, and somewhat bent for-
wards, — his right leg from under him, sustaining seven-
eighths of his whole weight, — the foot of his left leg, the
defect of which was no disadvantage to his attitude, ad-
vanced a little, — not laterally, nor forwards, but in a line
betwixt them; — his knee bent, but that not violently, —
but so as to fall within the limits of the line of beauty; —
and I add, of the line of science too; — for consider, it had
one-eighth part of his body to bear up; — so that in this case
the position of the leg is determined, — because the foot
could be no further advanced, or the knee more bent, than
what would allow him, mechanically to receive an eighth
part of his whole weight under it, and to carry it too.
iJ^P This I recommend to painters: — need I add, — to
orators! — I think not; for unless they practise it, — they
must fall upon their noses.
So much for Corporal Trim's body and legs. — He held
the sermon loosely, not carelessly, in his left hand, raised
something above his stomach, and detached a little from his
breast; — his right arm falling negligently by his side, as
nature and the laws of gravity ordered it, — but with the
palm of it open and turned towards his audience, ready to aid
the sentiment in case it stood in need.
Corporal Trim's eyes and the muscles of his face were
in full harmony with the other parts of him; — he looked
frank, — unconstrained, — something assured, — but not bor-
dering upon assurance.
Let not the critic ask how Corporal Trim could come by
all this. — I've told him it should be explained; — but so
he stood before my father, my uncle Toby, and Dr. Slop,
— so swayed his body, so contrasted his limbs, and with such
an oratorical sweep throughout the whole figure, — a statu-
ary might have modelled from it; — nay, I doubt whether
CHAP. I- TRISTRAM SHANDY 109
the oldest Fellow of a College, — or the Hebrew Professor
himself, could have much mended it.
Trim made a bow, and read as follows:
The sermon
Hebrews xiii. 18
— For xve trust ivf have a good Conscience
"Trust! — Trust we have a good conscience!"
[Certainly, Trim, quoth my father, interrupting him,
you give that sentence a very improper accent; for you curl
up your nose, man, and read it with such a sneering tone,
as if the Parson was going to abuse the Apostle.
He is, an' please your Honour, replied Trim. Pugh! said
my father, smiling.
Sir, quoth Dr. Slop, Trim is certainly in the right; for
the writer (who I perceive is a Protestant) by the snappish
manner in which he takes up the apostle, is certainly going
to abuse him; — if this treatment of him has not done it
already. But from whence, replied my father, have you
concluded so soon. Dr. Slop, that the writer is of oui"
church r — for aught I can see yet, — he may be of any
church. — Because, answered Dr. Slop, if he was of ours, —
he durst no more take such a licence, — than a bear by his
beard: — If, in our communion, Sir, a man was to insult an
apostle, — a saint, — or even the paring of a saint's nail, —
he would have his eyes scratched out. — What, by the saint?
quoth my uncle Toby. No, replied Dr. Slop, he would
have an old house over his head. Pray is the Inquisition
an ancient building, answered my uncle Toby, or is it a
modern oner — I know nothing of architecture, replied Dr.
Slop. — An' please your Honours, quoth Trim, the Inquisi-
tion is the vilest — Prithee spare thy description. Trim, I hate
the verv name of it, said my father. — No matter for that,
answered Dr. Slop, — it has its uses; for thu' I'm no great
no TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
advocate for it, yet, in such a case as this, he would soon
be taught better manners; and I can tell him, if he went
on at that rate, would be flung into the Inquisition for his
pains. God help him then, quoth my uncle Toby. Amen,
added Trim; for Heaven above knows, I have a poor
brother who has been fourteen years a captive in it. — I never
heard one word of it before, said my uncle Toby, hastily:
— How came he there. Trim? — O, Sir! the story will make
your heart bleed, — as it has made mine a thousand times; —
but it is too long to be told now; — your Honour shall hear
it from first to last some day when I am working beside you
in our fortifications; — but the short of the story is this; —
That my brother Tom went over a servant to Lisbon, — and
then married a Jew's widow, who kept a small shop, and sold
sausages, which somehow or other, was the cause of his
being taken in the middle of the night out of his bed, where
he was lying with his wife and two small children, and
carried directly to the Inquisition, where, God help him,
continued Trim, fetching a sigh from the bottom of his
heart, — the poor honest lad lies confined at this hour; he
was as honest a soul, added Trim, (pulling out his handker-
chief) as ever blood warmed. —
— The tears trickled down Trim's cheeks faster than he
could well wipe them away. — A dead silence in the room en-
sued for some minutes. — Certain proof of pity!
Come, Trim, quoth my father, after he saw the poor fel-
low's grief had got a little vent, — read on, — and put this
melancholy story out of thy head: — I grieve that I inter-
rupted thee; but prithee begin the sermon again; — for if the
first sentence in it is matter of abuse, as thou say est, I have
a great desire to know what kind of provocation the apostle
has given.
Corporal Trim wiped his face, and returned his handker-
chief into his pocket, and, making a bow as he did it, — he
began again.]
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY in
The sermon
Hebrews xiii. i8
— For ive trust ^ve have a good Conscience. —
"Trust! trust we have a good conscience! Surely if there
is any thing in this life which a man may depend upon, and
to the knowledge of which he is capable of arriving upon
the most indisputable evidence, it must be this very thing, —
whether he has a good conscience or no."
[I am positive I am right, quoth Dr. Slop.]
"If a man thinks at all, he cannot well be a stranger to the
true state of this account; — he must be privy to his own
thoughts and desires; — he must remember his past pursuits,
and know certainly the true springs and motives, which, in
general, have governed the actions of his life."
[I defy him, without an assistant, quoth Dr. Slop. ]
"In other matters wc may be deceived bv false appear-
ances; and, as the wise man complains, 'hardly do we guess
aright at the things that are upon the earth, and with labour
do we find the things that are before us.' But here the mind
has all the evidence and facts within herself; — is conscious
of the web she has wove; — knows its texture and fineness,
and the exact share which every passion has had in work-
ing upon the several designs which virtue or vice has planned
before her."
[The language is good, and I declare Trim reads very
well, quoth my father.]
"Now, — as conscience is nothing else but the knowledge
which the mind has v\ ithin herself of this; and the judgment,
either of approbation or censure, which it unavoidably makes
upon the successive actions of our lives; 'tis plain you will
say, from the very terms of the proposition, — whenever this
inward tcstimonv goes against a man, and he stands self-
accused, that he must necessarily be a guilty man. — And, on
112 TRISTRAM SHANDY book u
the contrary, when the report is favourable on his side, and
his heart condemns lu"m not: — that it is not a matter of trust,
as the apostle intimates, but a matter of certainty and fact,
that the conscience is good, and that the man must be good
also."
[Then the apostle is altogether in the v/rong, I suppose,
quoth Dr. Slop, and the Protestant divine is in the right.
Sir, have patience, replied my father, for I think it will pres-
ently appear that St. Paul and the Protestant divine are both
of an opinion. — And nearly so, quoth Dr. Slop, as east is to
west; — but this, continued he, lifting both hands, comes
from the liberty of the press.
It is no more, at the worst, replied my uncle Toby, than
the liberty of the pulpit; for it does not appear that the ser-
mon is printed, or ever likely to be.
Go on, Trim, quoth my father.]
"At first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case :
and I make no doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong
is so truly impressed upon the mind of man, — that did no
such thing ever happen, as that the conscience of a man, by
long habits of sin, might (as the scripture assures it may) in-
sensibly become hard; — and, like some tender parts of his
body, by much stress and continual hard usage, lose by de-
grees that nice sense and perception with which God and
nature endowed it: — Did this never happen; or was it certain
that self-love would never hang the least bias upon the judg-
ment; — or that the little interests below could rise up and
perplex the faculties of our upper regions, and encompass
them about with clouds and thick darkness: — Could no such
thing as favour and affection enter this sacred Court: — Did
Wit disdain to take a bribe in it; — or was ashamed to shew
its face as an advocate for an unwarrantable enjoyment : Or,
lastly, were we assured that Interest stood always uncon-
cerned whilst the cause was hearing — and that Passion never
got into the judgment-seat, and pronounced sentence in the
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 113
stead of Reason, which is supposed always to preside and
determine upon the case: — Was this truly so, as the objection
must suppose; — no doubt then the religious and moral state
of a man would be exactly what he himself esteemed it: —
and the guilt or innocence of every man's life could be
known, in general, by no better measure, than the degrees of
his own approbation and censure.
"I own, in one case, whenever a man's conscience does ac-
cuse him (as it seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty;
and unless in melancholy and hypochondriac cases, we may
safely pronounce upon it, that there is always sufficient
grounds for the accusation.
"But the converse of the proposition will not hold true; — â–
namely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must ac-
cuse; and if it does not, that a man is therefore innocent. —
This is not fact — So that the common consolation which some
good christian or other is hourly administering to himself, —
that he thanks God his mind does not misgive him; and that,
consequently, he has a good conscience, because he hath a
quiet one, — is fallacious; — and as current as the inference is,
and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet when
you look nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain
facts, — you see it liable to so much error from a false appli-
cation; — the principle upon which it goes so often perverted ;
— the whole force of it lost, and sometimes so vilely cast
away, that it is painful to produce the common examples
from human life, which confirm the account.
"A man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his prin-
ciples; — exceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall live
shameless, in the open commission of a sin which no reason
or pretence can justify, — a sin by which, contrary to all
the workings of humanity, he shall ruin for ever the deluded
partner of his guilt; — rob her of her best dowry; and not
only cover her own head with dishonour; — but involve a
whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake.
114 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
Surely, you will think conscience must lead such a man a
trouhlesome life; he can have no rest night or day from its
reproaches.
"Alas! Conscience had something else to do all this time,
than break in upon him; as Elijah reproached the god Baal,
■— this domestic god 'was either talking, or pursuing, or was
in a journey, or peradventure he slept and could not be
awoke.'
"Perhaps He was gone out in company with Honour to
fight a duel: to pay off some debt at play; — or dirty an-
nuity, the bargain of his lust; Perhaps Conscience all this
time was engaged at home, talking aloud against petty lar-
ceny, and executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes
as his fortune and rank of life secured him against all temp-
tation of committing; so that he lives as merrily" — [If he
was of our church, tho', quoth Dr. Slop, he could not] —
"sleeps as soundly in his bed ; — and at last meets death as un-
concernedly; — perhaps much more so, than a much better
man."
[All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr. Slop, turning to
my father, — the case could not happen in our church. — It
happens in ours, however, replied my father, but too often.
— I own, quoth Dr. Slop, (struck a little with my father's
frank acknowledgment) — that a man in the Romish church
may live as badly; — but then he cannot easily die so. —
'Tis little matter, replied my father, with an air of indif-
ference, — how a rascal dies. — I mean, answered Dr. Slop, he
would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments. — Pray
how many have you in all, said my uncle Toby, — for I al-
ways forget? — Seven, answered Dr. Slop. — Flumph! — said
my uncle Toby ; tho' not accented as a note of acquiescence,
— but as an interjection of that particular species of surprise,
when a man in looking into a drawer, finds more of a thing
than he expected. — Humph! replied my uncle Toby. Dr.
Slop, who had an ear, understood my uncle Toby as well as
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 115
if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven sacraments.
— Humph! replied Dr. Slop, (stating my uncle looby's
argument over again to him) — Whv, Sir, are there not seven
cardinal virtues: — Seven mortal sins? — Seven golden can-
dlesticks? — Seven heavens? — 'Tis more than I know, re-
plied my uncle Toby. — Are there not seven wonders of
the world? — Seven days of the creation? — Seven planets?
— Seven plagues: — That there are, quoth mv father with
a most affected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on
with the rest of thy characters. Trim.]
"Another is sordid, unmerciful," (here Trim waved his
right hand) "a strait-hearted, selfish wretch, incapable either
of private friendship or public spirit. Take notice how he
passes bv the widow and orphan in their distress, and sees
all the miseries incident to human life without a sigh or a
prayer." [An' please your honours, cried Trim, I think this
a viler man than the other.]
"Shall not conscience rise up and sting him on such occa-
sions? — No; thank God there is no occasion, 'I pay every
man his own; — T have no fornication to answer to mv con-
science; — no faithless vows or promises to make up; — I have
debauched no man's wife or child; thank God, I am not as
other men, adulterers, unjust, or even as this libertine, who
stands before me.'
"A third is crafty and designing in his nature. View his
whole life; — 'tis nothing but a cunning contexture of dark
arts and unequitable subterfuges, basely to defeat the true
intent of all laws, — plain-dealing and the safe enjoyment of
our several properties. — ^'ou will see such a one working out
a frame of little designs upon the ignorance and perplexities
of the poor and needv man; — shall raise a fortune upon the
inexperience of a vouth, or the unsuspecting temper of his
friend, who would have trusted him with his life.
"W'hen old age comes on, and repentance calls him to
look back upon his black account, and state it over again with
ii6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
hib conscience — Conscience looks into the Statutes at Large;
— finds no express law broken by what he has done; — per-
ceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods and chattels in-
curred; — sees no scourge waving over his head, or prison
opening his gates upon him: — What is there to affright his
conscience? — Conscience has got safely entrenched behind
the Letter of the Law; sits there invulnerable, fortified with
Ca£les( and 3Cveport£5 so strongly on all sides;— that it is
not preaching can dispossess it of its hold."
[Here Corporal Trim and my uncle Toby exchanged
looks with each other. — Aye, aye, Trim! quoth my uncle
Toby, shaking his hv;ul, — these arc but sorry fortifications,
Trim. — O! very poor work, answered Trim, to what your
Honour and I make of it. — The character of this last man,
said Dr. Slop, interrupting Trim, is more detestable than all
the rest; and seems to have been taken from some pettifog-
ging Lawyer amongst you: — Amongst us, a man's conscience
>:ould not possibly continue so long blinded, — three times in
a year, at least, he must go to confesison. Will that restore
it to sight? quoth my uncle Toby. — Go on, Trim, quoth my
father, or Obadiah will have got back before thou hast got
to the end of thy sermon. — 'Tis a very short one, replied
Trim. — I wish it was longer, quoth my uncle Toby, for I
like it hugely. — Trim went on.]
"A fourth man shall want even this refuge; — shall break
through all their ceremony of slow chicane; — scorns the
doubtful workings of secret plots and cautious trains to bring
about his purpose; — See the barefaced villain, how he
cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders! — Horrid! — But indeed
much better was not to be expected, in the present case — the
poor man was in the dark! — his priest had got the keeping of
his conscience; — and all he would let him know of it, was,
That lie must believe in the Pope; — go to Mass; — cross him-
self; — tell his beads; — be a good Catholic, and that this, in
^11 conscience, was enough to carry him to heaven. What;
CHAP, i; TRISTRAM SHANDY 117
— it he perjures! — Why; — he had a mental reservation in
it. — But if he is so wicked and abandoned a wretch as you
represent him; — if he robs, — if he stabs, will not conscience,
on every such act, receive a wound itself? — Ave, — but the
man has carried it to confession; — the wound digests there,
and will do well enough, and in a short time be quite healed
up by absolution. O Poperv! what has thou to answer for? —
when, not content with the too many natural and fatal ways,
thro' which the heart of man is every day thus treacherous
to itself above all things; — thou hast wilfully set open the
wide gate of deceit before the face of this unwary traveller,
too apt, God knows, to go astray of himself; and confidently
speak peace to himself, when there is no peace.
"Of this the common instances which I have drawn out
of life, are too notorious to require much evidence. If any
man doubts the reality of them, or thinks it impossible for
a man to be such a bubble to himself, — I must refer him a
moment to his own reflections, and will then venture to trust
my appeal with his own heart.
"Let him consider in how different a degree of detestation,
numbers of wicked actions stand there, tho' equally bad and
vicious in their own natures; — he will soon find, that such of
them as strong inclination and custom have prompted him to
commit, are generally dressed out and painted with all the
false beauties which a soft and a flattering hand can give
them; — and that the others, to which he feels no propensity,
appear, at once, naked and deformed, surrounded with all
the true circumstances of folly and dishonour.
"When David surprised Saul sleeping in the cave, and cut
off the skirt of his robe — we read his heart smote him for
what he had done: — But in the matter of Uriah, where a
faithful and gallant servant, whom he ought to have loved
and honoured, fell to make way for his lust, — where con-
science had so much greater reason to take the alarm, his
heart smote him not. A whole year had almost passed from
ii8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
the first commission of that crime, to the time Nathan was
sent to reprove him; and we read not once of the least sor-
row or compunction of heart which he testified, during all
that time, for what he had done.
"Thus conscience, this once able monitor, — placed on
high as a judge within us, and intended by our Maker as a
just and equitable one too, — ^by an unhappy train of causes
and impediments, takes often such imperfect cognizance of
what passes, — does its ofiice so negligently, — sometimes so
corruptly, — that it is not to be trusted alone; and therefore
T/e find there is a necessity, an absolute necessity, of joining
i^nother principle with it, to aid, if not govern, its determi-
nations.
"So that if you would form a just judgment of what is of
infinite importance to you not to be misled in, — namely, in
what degree of real merit you stand either as an honest man,
an useful citizen, a faithful subject to your king, or a good
servant to your God, — call in religion and morality. — Look,
What is written in the law of God? — How readest thou? —
Consult calm reason and the unchangeable obligations of jus-
tice and truth; — what say they?
"Let Conscience determine the matter upon these reports;
— and then if thy heart condemns thee not, which is the
case the apostle supposes, — the rule will be infallible"; —
[Here Dr. Slop fell asleep] — "thou wilt have confidence
towards God; — that is, have just grounds to believe the
judgment thou hast passed upon thyself, is the judgment of
God; and nothing else but an anticipation of that righteous
sentence which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter by
that Being, to whom thou art finally to give an account of
thy actions.
" 'Blessed is the man,' indeed, then, as the author of the
book of Ecclesiasticus expresses it, 'who is not pricked with
the multitude of his sins: Blessed is the man whose heart
hath not condemned him; v^hether he be rich, or whether he
CHAP. 17 TRIS'I'RAM SHANDY 119
be poor, it Ik- havt- ;i good heart' (a heart thus guided and
informed) 'he shall at all times rejoice in a cheerful counte-
nance; his mind shall tell him more than seven watch-men
that sit above upon a tower on high.' " — [A tower has no
strength, quoth my uncle Toby, unless 'tis flanked.] — "In
the darkest doubts it shall conduct him safer than a thousand
casuists, and give the state he lives in, a better security for his
behaviour than all the causes and restrictions put together,
which law-makers are forced to multiply: — 'Forced,' I sav,
as things stand; human laws not being a matter of original
choice, but of pure necessity, brought in to fence against the
mischievous effects of those consciences which are no law
unto themselves; well intending, by the many provisions
made, — that in all such corrupt and misguided cases, where
principles and the checks of conscience will not make us up-
right, — to supply their force, and, by the terrors of gaols
and halters, oblige us to it."
[I see plainly, said my father, that this sermon has been
composed to be preached at the Temple, — or at some
Assize. — I like the reasoning, — and am sorry that Dr. Slop
has fallen asleep before the time of his conviction: — for it
is now clear, that the Parson, as I thought at first, never
insulted St. Paul in the least; — nor has there been, brother,
the least difference between them. — A great matter, if they
had differed, replied my uncle Toby, — the best friends in
the world may differ sometimes. — True, — brother Toby,
quoth my father, shaking hands with him, we'll fill our
pipes, brother, and then Trim shall go on.
Well, — what dost thou think of it.'' said my father,
speaking to Corporal Trim, as he reached his tobacco-box.
I think, answered the Corporal, that the seven watch-men
upon the tower, who, I suppose, are all sentinels there, —
are more, an* please your Honour, than were necessary; —
and, to go on at that rate, would harass a regiment all to
pieces, which a commanding officer, who loves his men, will
120 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
never do, if he can help it, because two sentinels, added the
Corporal, are as good as twenty. — I have been a commanding
officer myself in the Corps de Garde a hundred times, con-
tinued Trim, rising an inch higher in his figure, as he spoke,
— and all the time I had the honour to serve his Majesty
King William, in relieving the most considerable ports, I
never left more than two in my life. — Very right, Trim,
quoth my uncle Toby, — but you do not consider. Trim, that
the towers, in Solomon's days, were not such things as our
bastions, flanked and defended by other works; — this, Trim,
was an invention since Solomon's death; nor had they horn-
works, or ravelins before the curtin, in his time; — or such
a fosse as we make with a curvette in the middle of it, and
with covered ways and counterscarps pallisadoed along it, to
guard against a Coup de main: — So that the seven men upon
the tower were a party,! dare say, from the Corps de Garde y
set there, not only to look out, but to defend it. — They could
be no more, an' please your Honour, than a Corporal's
Guard. — My father smiled inwardly, but not outwardly; —
the subject being rather too serious, considering what had
happened, to make a jest of. — So putting his pipe into his
mouth, which he had just lighted, — he contented himself
with ordering Trim to read on. He read on as follows:]
"To have the fear of God before our eyes, and, in our
mutual dealings with each other, to govern our actions by
the eternal measures of right and wrong: — The first of
these will comprehend the duties of religion; — the second,
those of morality, which are so inseparably connected to-
gether, that you cannot divide these two tables, even in
imagination, (tho' the attempt is often made in practice}
without breaking and mutually destroying them both.
"I said the attempt is often made; and so it is; — there
being nothing more common than to see a man who has no
sense at all of religion, and indeed has so much honesty as to
pretend to none, who would take it as the bitterest affront.
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 121
should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral character, —
or imagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous to
the uttermost mite.
"When there is some appearance that it is so, — tho' one is
unwilling even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a vir-
tue as moral honesty, yet were we to look into the grounds
of it, in the present case, I am persuaded we should find little
reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive.
"Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the
subject, it will be found to rest upon no better foundation
than either his interest, his pride, his case, or some such little
and changeable passion as will give us but small dependence
upon his actions in matters of great distress.
"I will illustrate this by an example.
"I know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually
call in," [There is no need, cried Dr. Slop, (waking) to call
in any physician in this case] "to be neither of them men
of much religion: I hear them make a jest of it every day,
and treat all its sanctions with so much scorn, as to put the
m.itter past doubt. Well; — notwithstanding this, I put my
fonune into the hands of the one: — and what is dearer still
to me, I trust my life to the honest skill of the other.
"Now let me examine what is my reason for this great
confidence. Why, in the first place, I believe there is no
probability that either of them will employ the power I put
into their hands to my disadvantage; — I consider that honesty
serves the purposes of this life: — I know their success in the
world depends upon the fairness of their characters. — In a
word, I'm persuaded that they cannot hurt me without hurt-
ing themselves more.
"But put it otherwise, namely, that interest lay, for once,
on the other side; that a case should happen, wherein the one,
without stain to his reputation, could secrete mv fortune, and
leave me naked in the world; — or that the other could send
122 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
me out of it, and enjoy an estate by my death, without dis-
honour to himself or his art: — In this case, what hold have
I of either of them? — Religion, the strongest of all motives,
is out of the question; — Interest, the next most powerful
motive in the world, is strongly against me: — What have I
left to cast into the opposite scale to balance this temptation?
— Alas! I have nothing, — nothing but what is lighter than
a bubble — I must lie at the mercy of Honour, or some such
capricious principle — Strait security for two of the most
valuable blessings! — my property and myself.
"As, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality
without religion; — so on the other hand, there is nothing
better to be expected from religion without morality; never-
theless, 'tis no prodigy to see a man whose real moral char-
acter stands very low, who yet entertains the highest notion
of himself in the light of a religious man.
"He shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable, —
but even wanting in points of common honesty; yet inas-
much as he talks aloud against the infidelity of the age, — is
zealous for some points of religion, — goes twice a day to
church, — attends the sacraments, — and amuses himself with
a few instrumental parts of religion, — shall cheat his con-
science into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious man,
and has discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find
that such a man, through force of this delusion, generally
looks down with spiritual pride upon every other man who
has less affectation of piety, — though, perhaps, ten times
more real honesty than himself.
" 'This likewise is a sore evil under the sun'; and I be-
lieve, there is no one mistaken principle, which, for its time,
has wrought more serious mischiefs. — For a general proof
of this, — examine the history of the Romish church"; —
(Well, what can you make of that? cried Dr. Slop] — "see
what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed," —
[They may thank their own obstinacy, cried Dr. Slop.] —
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 123
"have all been sanctified by a religion not strictly governed
by morality.
"In how many kingdoms of the world" — [Here Trim
kept waving his right hand from the sermon to the extent of
his arm, returning it backwards and forwards to the con-
clusion of the paragraph.]
"In how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading
sword of this misguided saint-errant, spared neither age nor
merit, or sex, or condition? — and, as he fought under the
banners of a religion which set him loose from justice and
humanity, he shewed none; mercilessly trampled upon both,
— heard neither the cries of the unfortimatc, nor pitied their
distresses."
[I have been in many a battle, an' please your Honour,
quoth Trim, sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as
this, — I would not have drawn a trigger in it against these
poor souls, — to have been made a general officer. — Why?
what do you understand of the affair? said Dr. Slop, look-
ing towards Trim, with something more of contempt than
the Corporal's honest heart deserved. — What do you know,
friend, about this battle you talk of? — I know, replied Trim,
that I never refused quarter in my life to any man who cried
out for it; — but to a woman or a child, continued Trim,
before I would level my musket at them, I would lose my
life a thousand times. — Here's a crown for thee, Trim, to
drink with Obadiah to-night, quoth my uncle Toby, and I'll
give Obadiah another too. — God bless your Honour, replied
Trim, — I had rather these poor women and children had
it. — Thou art an honest fellow, quoth my uncle Tobv.
— My father nodded his head, — as much as to say, — and
so he is. —
But prithee. Trim, said my father, make an end, — for I
see thou hast but a leaf or two left.
Corporal Trim read on.]
"If the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not
124 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
sufficient, — consider at this instant, how the votaries of that
religion r.re every day thinking to do service and honour to
God, by actions which are a dishonour and scandal to them-
selves.
"To be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into
tlie prisons of the Inquisition." — [God help my poor brother
Tom.] — "Behold Religion, with Mercy and Justice chained
down under her feet, — there sitting ghastly upon a black
tribunal, propped up with racks and instruments of torment.
Hark! — hark! what a piteous groan!" — [Here Trim's face
turned as pale as ashes.] — "See the melancholy wretch who
uttered it" — [Here the tears began to trickle down.] —
"just brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial,
and endure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty
has been able to invent." — [D — n them all, quoth Trim,
his colour returning into his face as red as blood.] — "Be-
hold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors, — his
body so wasted with sorrow and confinement." — [Oh! 'tis
my brother, cried poor Trim in a most passionate exclama-
tion dropping the sermon upon the ground, and clapping his
hands together — I fear 'tis poor Tom. My father's and
my uncle Toby's heart yearned with sympathy for the poor
fellow's distress; even Slop himself acknowledged pity for
him. — Why, Trim, said my father, this is not a history, —
'tis a sermon thou art reading; prithee begin the sentence
again.] — "Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his
tormentors, — his body so wasted with sorrow and confine-
ment, you \A\\ see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.
"Observe the last movement of that horrid engine!" —
[I would rather face a cannon, quoth Trim, stamping.] —
"See what convulsions it has thrown him into! — Consider
the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched, —
what exquisite tortures he endures by it!" — [I hope 'tis not
in Portugal.] — " 'Tis all nature can bear! Good God! see
how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 125
lips!" [I would not read another line of it, quoth Trim,
for all this world; — I fear, an' please your Honours, all
this is in Portugal, where my poor brother Tom is. I tell
thee, Trim, again, quoth my father, 'tis not an historical
account, — 'tis a description. — 'Tis only a description, honest
man, quoth Slop, there's not a word of truth in it. — That's
another story, replied my father. — However, as Trim reads
it with so much concern, — 'tis cruelty to force him to go on
with it. — Give me hold of the sermon, Trim, — I'll finish
it for thee, and thou may'st go. I must stay and hear it
too, replied Trim, if your Honour will allow me; — tho'
I would not read it myself for a Colonel's pay. Poor
Trim! quoth my uncle Toby. My father went on.] —
'' — Consider the nature of the posture in which he now
lies stretched, — what exquisite torture he endures by it! —
'Tis all nature can bear! Good God! Sec how it keeps
his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips, — willing to
take its leave, — but not suffered to depart! — Behold the
unhappy wretch led back to his cell!" — [Then, thank God,
however, quoth Trim, they have not killed him.] — "See him
dragged out of it again to meet the flames, and the insults
in his last agonies, which this principle, — this principle, that
there can be religion without mercy, has prepared for him."
— [Then, thank God, — he is dead, quoth Trim, — he is out
of his pain, — and they have done their worst at him. — O
Sirs! — Hold your peace. Trim, said my father, going on
with the sermon, lest Trim should incense Dr. Slop, — we
shall never have done at this rate.]
"The surest way to try the merit of any disputed notion
is, to trace down the consequences such a notion has pro-
duced, and compare them with the spirit of Christianity; —
'tis the short and decisive rule which our Saviour hath left
us, for these and such like cases, and it is worth a thousand
arguments — 'By their fruits yc shall know them.'
"I will add no further to the length of this sermon, than
126 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
by two or three short and independent rules deducible from
it.
"First, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion,
always suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions, which
have got the better of his creed. A bad life and a good
belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours, and
where they separate, depend upon it, 'tis for no other cause
but quietness' sake.
"Secondly, When a man, thus represented, tells you in
any particular instance, — That such a thing goes against his
conscience, — always believe he means exactly the same
thing, as when he tells you such a thing goes against his
stomach; — a present want of appetite being generally the
true cause of both.
"In a word, — trust that man in nothing, who has not a
Conscience in every thing.
"And, in your own case, remember this plain distinction,
a mistake in which has ruined thousands, — that your
conscience is not a law: — No, God and reason made the
law, and have placed conscience within you to determine;
— not, like an Asiatic Cadi, according to the ebbs and flows
of his own passions, — but like a British judge in this land
of liberty and good sense, who makes no new law, but faith-
lullv declares that law which he knows already written."
FINIS.
Thou hast read the sermon extremely well. Trim, quoth
my father. — If he had spared his comments, replied Dr.
Slop, — he would have read it much better. I should have
read it ten times better. Sir, answered Trim, but that my
heart was so full. — That was the very reason. Trim, replied
my father, which has made thee read the sermon as well as
thou hast done; and if the clergy of our church, continued
my father, addressing himself to Dr. Slop, would take part
in what they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow has done, —
as their compositions are fine; — [I deny it, quoth Dr. Slop]
CHAP, i; TklSTRA.M SHAM)^- 127
— I maintain it, — that the clocjiicncc of our pulpits, with
such suhjccts to enflame it, would he a model for the whole
world: — But alas! continued mv father, and I own it. Sir,
with sorrow, that, like French politicians in this respect,
what thev gain in the cabinet they lose in the field. — 'Twere
a pity, quoth my uncle, that this should be lost. I like the
sermon well, replied my father, — 'tis dramatic, — and there
is something in that way of writing, when skilfully man-
aged, which catches the attention. — We preach much in that
way with us, said Dr. Slop. — I know that very well, said
my father, — but in a tone and manner which disgusted Dr.
Slop, full as much as his assent, simply, could have pleased
him. — But in this, added Dr. Slop, a little piqued, — our
sermons have greatly the advantage, that we never intro-
duce any character into them below a patriarch or a pa-
triarch's wife, or a martyr or a saint. — There are some very
bad characters in this, however, said my father, and I do
not think the sermon a jot the worse for 'em. — But pray,
quoth my uncle Toby, — whose can this be.^ — How could
it get into my Stevinus? A man must be as great a con-
jurer as Stevinus, said my father, to resolve the second
question: — The first, I think, is not so difficult; — for un-
less my judgment greatly deceives me, — I know the author,
for 'tis wrote, certainly, by the parson of the parish.
The similitude of the style and manner of it, with those
my father constantly had heard preached in his parish-church,
was the ground of his conjecture, — proving it as strongly, as
an argument a friori could prove such a thing to a philosophic
mind. That it was Yorick's and no one's else: — It was
proved to be so, a fosterioriy the day after, when Yorick sent
a servant to my uncle Toby's house to enquire after it.
It seems that Yorick, who was inquisitive after all kinds
of knowledge, had borrowed Stevinus of my uncle Toby,
and had carelessly popped his sermon, as soon as he had
made it, into the middle of Stevinus; and by an act of for-
128 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
getfulness, to which he was ever subject, he had sent Stevinus
home, and his sermon to keep liim company.
Ill-fated sermon! Thou wast lost, after this recovery of
thee, a second time, dropped thro' an unsuspected fissure in
thy master's pocket, down into a treacherous and a tattered
lining, — trod deep into the dirt by the left hind-foot of his
Rosinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thou falledst; —
buried ten days in the mire, — raised up out of it by a beggar,
— sold for a halfpenny to a parish-clerk, — transferred to
his parson, — lost for ever to thy own, the remainder of his
days, — nor restored to his restless Manes till this very
moment, that I tell the world the story.
Can the reader believe, that this sermon of Yorick's was
preached at an assize, in the cathedral of York, before a
thousand witnesses, ready to give oath of it, by a certain
prebendary of that church, and actually printed by him when
he had done, — and within so short a space as two years and
three months after Yorick's death? — Yorick indeed was
never better served in his life; but it was a little hard
to maltreat him after, and plunder him after he was laid in
his grave.
However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect
charity with Yorick, — and, in conscious justice, printed but
a few copies to give away; — and that I am told he could
moreover have made as good a one himself, had he thought
fit, — I declare I would not have published this anecdote to
the world; — nor do I publish it with an intent to hurt his
character and advancement in the church; — I leave that to
others; — but I find myself impelled by two reasons, which
I cannot withstand.
The first is. That in doing justice, I may give rest to
Yorick's ghost; — which — as the country-people, and some
others, believe, — still walks.
The second reason is, That, by laying open this story to
the world, I gain an opportunity of informing it, — That in
CHAP. i8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 129
case the character of parson Yorick, and this sample ot his
sermons, is liked, — there are now in the possession of the
Shandy family, as many as will make a handsome volume,
at the world's service, — and much good may they do it.
Chapter 18
Obadiah gained the two crowns without dispute; for he
came in jingling, with all the instruments in the green bays
bag we spoke of, slung across his body, just as Corporal Trim
went out of the room.
It is now proper, I think, quoth Dr. Slop, (clearing up
his looks) as we are in a condition to be of some service to
Mrs. Shandy, to send up stairs to know how she goes on.
I have ordered, answered my father, the old midwife to
come down to us upon the least difficulty; — for you must
know, Dr. Slop, continued my father, with a perplexed kind
of a smile upon his countenance, that by express treaty,
solemnly ratified between me and my wife, you are no more
than an auxiliary in this affair, — and not so much as that, —
unless the lean old mother of a midwife above stairs cannot
do without you. — Women have their particular fancies, and
in points of this nature, continued my father, where they
bear the whole burden, and suffer so much acute pain for
the advantage of oui families, and the good of the species, —
they claim a right of deciding, en Souveraines, in whose
hands, and in what fashion, they choose to undergo it.
They arc in the right of it, — quoth my uncle Toby. But,
Sir, replied Dr. Slop, not taking notice of my uncle Toby's
opinion, but turning to my father, — they had better govern
in other points; — and a father of a family, who wishes its
perpetuity, in my opinion, had better exchange this preroga-
tive with them, and give up some other rights in lieu of it.
— I know not, quoth my father, answering a little too
testily, to be quite dispassionate in what he said, — I know
not, quoth he, what we have left to give up, in lieu of who
130 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
shall bring our children into the world, unless that, — or
who shall beget them. — One would almost give up any thing,
replied Dr. Slop. — I beg your pardon, — answered my uncle
Toby. — Sir, replied Dr. Slop, it would astonish you to
know what improvements we have made of late years in
all branches of obstetrical knowledge, but particularly in
that one single point of the safe and expeditious extraction
of the foetus, — which has received such lights, that, for my
part (holding up his hands) I declare I wonder how the
world has — I wish, quoth my uncle Toby, you had seen
what prodigious armies we had in Flanders.
Chapter ig
I HAVE dropped the curtain over this scene for a minute, —
to remind you of one thing, — and to inform you of another.
What I have to inform you, comes, I own, a little out of
its due course; — for it should have been told a hundred and
fifty pages ago, but that I foresaw then 'twould come in pat
hereafter, and be of more advantage here than elsewhere. —
Writers had need look before them, to keep up the spirit
and connection of v/hat they liavc in hand.
When these two things arc done, — the curtain shall be
drawn up again, and my imcle Toby, my father, and Dr.
Slop, shall go on with their discourse, without any more
interruptions.
First, then, the matter which I ha\e to remind you of, is
this;- — that from the specimens of singularity in my father's
notions in the point of christian names, and that other pre-
vious point thereto, — ^•ou was led, I think, into an opinion,
(and I am sure I said as much) that my father was a gentle-
man altogether as odd and whimsical in fifty other opinions.
Ill truth, there was not a stage in the life of man, from the
very first act of his begetting, — down to the lean and slip-
pered pantaloon in his second childishness-, but he had some
favourite notion to himself, springing out of it, as sceptical,
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 131
and as far out, of the high-way of thinking, as these two
which havfc been explained.
— Mr. Shandy, my father, Sir, would see nothing in the
light in which others placed it; — he placed things in his own
light; — he would weigh nothing in common scales; — no,
he was too refined a researcher to lie open to so gross an im-
position. — To come at the exact weight of things in the
scientific steel-yard, the fulcrum, he would say, should be
almost invisible, to avoid all friction from popular tenets;
— without this the minutiae of philosophy, which would
always turn the balance, will have no weight at all. Knowl-
edge, like matter, he would affirm, was divisible in in-
finitum; — that the grains and scruples were as much a part
of it, as the gravitation of the whole world. — In a word,
he would say, error was error, — no matter where it fell, —
whether in a fraction, — or a pound, — 'twas alike fatal to
truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well, as
inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterfly's wing, — as
in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars of heaven
put together.
He would often lament that it was for want of consider-
ing this properly, and of applying it skilfully to civil mat-
ters, as well as to speculative truths, that J^^ many things in
this world were out of joint; — that the political arch was
giving way; — and that the very foundations of our excel-
lent constitution, in church and state, were so sapped as
estimators had reported.
You cry out, he would say, we are a ruined, undone peo-
ple. Whyr he would ask, making use of the sorites or
syllogism of Zeno and Chrysippus, without knowing it be-
longed to them. — Why? why are we a ruined people? —
Because we are corrupted. — Whence is it, dear Sir, that we
are corrupted? — Because we are needy; — our poverty, and
not our wills, consent. — And wherefore, he would add, arc
we needy? — From the neglect, he would answer, of our
132 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
pence and our halfpence: — Our bank notes, Sir, our guineas,
— nay our shillings take care of themselves.
'Tis the same, he would say^ throughout the whole circle
of the sciences; — the great, the established points of them,
are not to be broken in upon. — The laws of nature will de-
fend themselves; — but error — (he would add, looking
earnestly at my mother) — error, Sir, creeps in thro' the
minute holes and small crevices which human nature leaves
unguarded.
This turn of thinking in my father, is what I had to
remind you of: — The point you are to be informed of, and
which I have reserved for this place, is as follows.
Amongst the many and excellent reasons, with which
my father had urged my mother to accept of Dr. Slop's
assistance preferably to that of the old woman, — there was
one of a very singular nature; which, when he had done
arguing the manner with her as a Christian, and came to
argue it over again with her as a philosopher, he had put
his whole strength to, depending indeed upon it as his sheet-
anchor. — It failed him; tho' from no defect in the argu-
ment itself; but that, do what he could, he was not able
for his soul to make her comprehend the drift of it. —
Cursed luck! — said he to himself, one afternoon, as he
walked out of the room, after he had been stating it for
an hour and a half to her, to no manner of purpose; — cursed
luck! said he, biting his lip as he shut the door, — for a man
to be master of one of the finest chains of reasoning in
nature, — and have a wife at the same time with such a
head-piece, that he cannot hang up a single inference within
side of it, to save his soul from destruction.
This argument, though it was entirely lost upon my
mother — had more weight with him, than all his other argu-
ments joined together: — I will therefore endeavour to do it
justice, — and set it forth with all the perspicuity I am mas-
ter of.
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 133
My father set out upon the strength of these two fol-
lowing axioms:
First. That an ounce of a man's own wit, was worth a
ton of other people's; and,
Secondly, (Which by the bye, was the ground-work of
the first axiom, — tho' it comes last) That every man's wit
must come from every man's own soul, — and no other
body's.
Now, as it was plain to my father, that all souls were by
nature equal, — and that the great difference betvreen the
most acute and the most obtuse understanding — was from
no original sharpness or bluntness of one thinking substance
above or below another, — but arose merely from the lucky
or unlucky organization of the body, in that part where the
soul principally took up her residence, — he had made it the
subject of his enquiry to find out the identical place.
Now, from the best accounts he had been able to get of
this matter, he was satisfied it could not be where Dcs
Cartes had fixed it, upon the top of the pineal gland of the
brain; which, as he philosophized, formed a cushion for her
about the size of a marrow pea; tho', to speak the truth,
as so many nerves did terminate all in that one place, — 'twas
no bad conjecture; — and my father had certainly fallen
with that great philosopher plumb into the centre of the
mistake, had it not been for my uncle Toby, who rescued
him out of it, by a stor)' he told him of a Walloon oflficer at
the battle of Landen, who had one part of his brain shot
away by a musket-ball, — and another part of it taken out
after by a French surgeon; and after all, recovered, and did
his duty very well without it.
If death, said my father, reasoning with himself, is noth-
ing but the separation of the soul from the body; and if it is
true that people can walk about and do their business with-
out brains, — then certes the soul does not inhabit there.
Q. E. D.
134 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
As for that certain, very thin, subtle and very fragrant
juice which Coglionissimo Born, the great Milanese physi-
cian affirms^ in a letter to Bartholine, to have discovered in
the cellulae of the occipital parts of the cerebellum, and
which he likewise affirms to be the principal seat of the
reasonable soul, (for, you must know, in these latter and
more enlightened ages, there are two souls in every man
living, — the one, according to the great Mctheglingius, be-
ing called the Anunus^ the other, the An'mia;) — as for the
opinion, I say, of Borri, — my father could never subscribe
to it by any means; the very idea of so noble, so refined, so
immaterial, and so exalted a being as the AnhiWy or even
the Animus^ taking up her residence, and sitting dabbling,
like a tadpole all day long, both summer and winter, in a
puddle, — or in a liquid of any kind, how thick or thin
soever, he would say, shocked his imagination; he would
scarce give the doctrine a hearing.
What, therefore, seemed the least liable to objections of
any, was that the chief sensorium, or head-quarters of the
soul, and to which place all intelligences were referred, and
from whence all her mandates were issued, — was in, or
near, the cerebellum, — or rather somewhere about the
medulla, oblongata, wherein it was generally agreed by
Dutch anatomists, that all the minute nerves from all the
organs of the seven senses concentered, like streets and wind-
ing alleys, into a square.
So far there was nothing singular in my father's opinion,
— he had the best of philosophers, of all ages and climates,
to go along with him. — But here he took a road of his own,
setting up another Shandcan hypothesis upon these corner-
stones they had laid for him; — and wliich said hypothesis
equally stood its ground; whether the subtlety and fineness
of the soul depended upon the temperature and clearness of
the said liquor, or of the finer net-work and texture in the
cerebellum itself; which opinion he favoured.
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 135
He maintained, that next to the due care to be taken in
the act of propagation of each individual, which required
all the thought in the world, as it laid the foundation of
this incomprehensible contexture, in which wit, memory,
fancy, eloquence, and what is usually meant by the name of
good natural parts, do consist; — that next to this and his
christian name, which were the two original and most effi-
cacious causes of all; — that the third cause, or rather what
logicians call the Causa sine qua tion, and without which all
that was done was of no manner of significance, — was the
preservation of this delicate and fine-spun web, from the
havoc which was generally made in it by the violent com-
pression and crush which the head was made to undergo, by
the nonsensical method of bringing us into the world by
that foremost.
— This requires explanation.
My father, who dipped into all kinds of books, upon look-
ing into Lithopacdus Senonesis dc Partii difficiliy published
by Adrianus Smelvgot, had found out, that the lax and
pliable state of a child's head in parturition, the bones of the
cranium having no sutures at that time, was such, — that by
force of the woman's efforts, which, in strong labour-pains,
was equal, upon an average, to the weight of 470 pounds
avoirdupois acting perpendicularly upon it; — it so happened,
that in 49 instances out of 50, the said head was compressed
and moulded into the shape of an oblong conical piece of
dough, such as a pastry-cook generally rolls up in order to
make a pie of. — Good God! cried my father, what havoc
1 The author is here twice mistaken; — for Lithopacdus should be
wrote thus, Lilhopaedii Semonensis Icon. The second mistake is. that
this Lithopaedus is not an author, but a drawing of a petrified child.
The account of this, published by Athosius 15S0, may be seen at the
end of Cordaeus's works in Spachius. Mr. Tristram Shandy ha?
been led into this error, cither from secinc Lithopaedus's name of
late in a catalogue of learned writers in Dr. , or by mistaking
Lithopacdus for TrinecavcUius, — from the too great sinulitude of the
names.
136 TRISTRAM SHANDY book 11
and destruction must this make in the infinitely fine and
tender texture of the cerebellum! — Or if there is such a
juice as Borri pretends, — is it not enough to make the
clearest liquid in the world both feculent and mothery?
But how great was his apprehension, when he farther
understood, that this force acting upon the very vertex of
the head, not only injured the brain itself, or cerebrum, —
but that it necessarily squeezed and propelled the cerebrum
towards the cerebellum, which was the immediate seat of
the understanding! — Angels and ministers of grace defend
us! cried my father, — can any soul withstand this shock? —
No wonder the intellectual web is so rent and tattered as
we see it; and that so many of our best heads are no better
than a puzzled skein of silk, — all perplexity, — all confusion
within-side.
But when my father read on, and was let into the secret,
that when a child was turned topsy-turvy, which was easy
for an operator to do, and was extracted by the feet; — that
instead of the cerebrum being propelled towards the cere-
bellum, the cerebellum, on the contrary, was propelled sim-
ply toward the cerebrum, where it could do no manner of
hurt: — By heavens! cried he, the world is in conspiracy to
drive out what little wit God has given us, — and the pro-
fessors of the obstetric art are lifted into the same con-
spiracy. — What is it to me which end of my son comes
foremost into the world, provided all goes right after, and
his cerebellum escapes uncrushed?
It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has
conceived it, that it assimilates every thing to itself, as
proper nourishment; and, from the first moment of your
begetting it, it generally grows the stronger by every thing
you see, hear, read, or understand. This is of great use.
When my father was gone with this about a month, there
was scarce a phenomenon of stupidity or of genius, which
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 137
he coiikl not readily solve hv it; — it accounted for the eldest
son being the greatest blockhead in the family. — Poor devil,
he would say, — he made way for the capacity of his younger
brothers. — It unriddled the observations of drivellers and
monstrous heads, — shewing a priori, it could not be other-
wise, — unless **** I don't know what. It wonderfully ex-
plained and accounted for the acumen of the Asiatic genius,
and that spritclier turn, and a more penetrating intuition of
minds, in warmer climates; not from the loose and common-
place solution of a clearer sky, and a more perpetual sun-
shine, etc. — which for aught we knew, might as well rarefy
and dilute the faculties of the soul into nothing, by one
extreme, — as they are condensed in colder climates by the
other; — but he traced the affair up to its spring-head; —
shewed that, in warmer climates, nature had laid a lighter
tax upon the fairest parts of the creation; — their pleasures
more; — the necessity of their pains less, insomuch that the
pressure and resistance upon the vertex was so slight, that
the whole organization of the cerebellum was preserved;
— nay, he did not believe, in natural births, that so much as
a single thread of the net-work was broke or displaced, — so
that the soul might just act as she liked.
When my father had got so far, — what a blaze of light
did the accounts of the Caesarian section, and of the tower-
ing geniuses who had come safe into the world by it, cast
upon this hypothesis? Here you see, he would say, there was
no injury done to the sensorium; — no pressure of the head
against the pelvis; — no propulsion of the cerebrum towards
the cerebellum, either by the os fubis on this side, or the os
coxygis on that; — and pray, what were the happy conse-
quences? Why, Sir, your Julius Caesar, who gave the opera-
tion a name; — and your Hermes Trismegistus, who was
born so before ever the operation had a name; — your Scipio
Africanus; your Manlius Torquatus; our Edward the Sixth,
— who, had he lived, would have done the same honour to
T38 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ii
the hypothesis: — These, and many more who figured high
in the annals of fame, — all came side-way, Sir, into the
world.
The incision of the abdomen and uterus ran for six
weeks together in my father's head; — he had read, and was
Nitisfied, that wounds in the epigastrium, and those in the
matrix, were not mortal; — so that the belly of the mother
might be opened extremely well to give a passage to the
child. — He mentioned the thing one afternoon to my
mother, — merely as a matter of fact; b\it seeing her turn
as pale as ashes at the very mention of it, as much as the
operation flattered his hopes, — he thought it as well to say
no more of it, — contenting himself with admiring, — what
he thought was to no purpose to propose.
This was my father Mr. Shandy's hypothesis; concerning
which I have only to add, that my brother Bobby did as
great honour to it (whatever he did to the family) as any
one of the great heroes we spoke of: For happening not
only to be christened, as I told you, but to be born too,
when my father was at Epsom, — being moreover my
mother's first child, — coming into the world with his head
foremost, — and turning out afterwards a lad of wonderful
slow parts, — my father spelt all these together into his
opinion: and as he had failed at one end, — he was deter-
mined to trv the other.
This was not to be expected from one of the sisterhood,
who are not easily to be put out of their way, — and was
therefore one of my father's great reasons in favour of a
man of science, whom he could better deal with.
Of all men in the world, Dr. Slop was the fittest for
my father's purpose; — for though this new invented forceps
was the armour he had proved, and what he maintained to
be the safest instrument of deliverance, yet, it seems, he
had scattered a word or two in his book, in favour of the
very thing which ran in mv father's fancv; — tho' not with
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 139
a view to the soul's good in extracting by the feet, as was
my father's system, — but for reasons merely obstetrical.
This will account for the coalition betwixt my father
and Dr. Slop, in the ensuing discourse, which went a little
hard against my uncle Toby. — In what manner a plain man,
with nothing but common sense, could bear up against two
such allies in science, — is hard to conceive. — You may con-
jecture upon it, if you please, — and whilst your imagination
is in motion, vou may encourage it to go on, and discover
by what causes and effects in nature it could come to pass,
that my uncle Tobv got his nn)dt.'Sty by the wound he re-
ceived upon his groin. — You may raise a system to account
for the loss of my nose by marriage-articles, — and shew the
world how it could happen, that I should have the misfor-
tune to be called Tristram, in opposition to my father's
hypothesis, and the wish of the whole family. Godfathers
and Godmothers not excepted. — These, with fifty other
points left yet unravelled, you may endeavour to solve if
you have time; — but I tell you beforehand it will be in
vain, for not the sage Alquife, the magician in Don Belianis
of Greece, nor the no less famous Urganda, the sorceress, his
wife, (were they alive) could pretend to come within a
league of the truth.
The reader will be content to wait for a full explana-
tion of these matters till the next year, — when a series of
things will be laid open which he little expects.
BOOK III
Multitudinis imperitae non formido judicia; meis tamen, rogo, par-
cant opusculis — in quibus fuit propositi semper, a jocis ad seria,
a seriis vicissim ad jocos transire.
— Joan. Saresberiensis, Episcopus Lugdun.
Ckaper i
— "I WISH, Dr. Slop," quoth my uncle Toby, (repeating
his wish for Dr. Slop a second time, and with a degree of
more zeal and earnestness in his manner of wishing, than
he had wished at first) — "I wish. Dr. Slop," quoth my uncle
Toby, "you had seen what prodigious armies we had in
Flanders."
My uncle Toby's wish did Dr. Slop a disservice which his
heart never intended any man, — Sir, it confounded him
— and thereby putting his ideas first into confusion, and
then to flight, he could not rally them again for the soul of
him.
In all disputes, — male or female, — whether for honour,
for profit, or for love, — it makes no diflFerence in the case;
— nothing is more dangerous. Madam, than a wish coming
sideways in this unexpected manner upon a man: the safest
way in general to take off the force of the wish, is for the
party wished at, instantly to get upon his legs — and wish
the wisher something in return, of pretty near the same
value, — so balancing the account upon the spot, you stand
as you were — nay sometimes gain the advantage of the
attack by it.
This will be fully illustrated to the world in my chapter
of wishes. —
Dr. Slop did noi understand the nature of this defence;
— he was puzzled with it, and it put an entire stop to the
dispute for four minutes and a half; — five had been fatal
to it: — my father saw the danger — the dispute was one of
140
CHAP. 2 TRISTRAM SHANDY 141
the most interesting disputes in the world, "Whether the
child of his prayers and endeavours should be born without
a head or with one" : — he waited to the last moment, to allow
Dr. Slop, in whose behalf the wish was made, his right of
returning it; but perceiving, I say, that he was confounded,
and continued looking with that perplexed vacuity of eye
which puzzled souls generally stare with — first in my uncle
Toby's face — then in his — then up — then down — then east
— east and by east, and so on, — coasting it along by the
plinth of the wainscot till he had got to the opposite point of
the compass, — and that he had actual!)- begun to count the
brass nails upon the arm of his chair, — mv father thought
there was no time to be lost with my uncle Toby, so took
up the discourse as follows.
Chapter 2
" — What prodigious armies vou had in Flanders!" —
Brother Toby, replied my father, taking his wig from
off his head with his right hand, and with his left pulling
out a striped India handkerchief from his right coat pocket,
in order to rub his head, as he argued the point with my
uncle Toby. —
— Now, in this I think my father was much to blame;
and I will give you my reasons for it.
Matters of no more seeming consequence in themselves
than, "Whether my father should have taken off his wig
with his right hand or with his left," — have divided the
greatest kingdoms, and made the crowns of the monarchs
who governed them, to totter upon their heads. — But need
I tell you. Sir, that the circumstances with which every
thing in this world is begirt, give everv thing in this world its
size and shape! — and by tightening it, or relaxing it, this
way or that, make the thing to be, what it is — great — little
— good — bad — indifferent or not indifferent, just as the
case happens?
142 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
As my father's India handkerchief was in his right coat
pocket, he should by no means have suffered his right hand
to have got engaged: on the contrary, instead of taking off
his wig with it, as he did, he ought to have committed that
entirely to the left; and then, when the natural exigency
my father was under of rubbing his head, called out for his
handkerchief, he would have had nothing in the world to
have done, but to have put his right hand into his right coat
pocket and taken it out; — which he might have done without
any violence, or the least ungraceful twist in any one tendon
or muscle of his whole body.
In this case, (unless, indeed, my father had been resolved
to make a fool of himself by holding the wig stiff in his
left hand — or by making some nonsensical angle or other
at his elbow-joint, or arm-pit) — his whole attitude had been
easy — natural — unforced: Reynolds himself, as great and
gracefully as he paints, might have painted him as he sat.
Now as my father managed this matter, — consider what
a devil of a figure my father made of himself.
In the latter end of Queen Anne's reign, and in the be-
ginning of the reign of King George the First — "Coat
pockets were cut very low down in the skirt." — I need say
no more — the father of mischief, had he been hammering
at it a month, could not have contrived a worse fashion for
one in my father's situation.
Chafter 5
It was not an easy matter in any king's reign (unless you
were as lean a subject as myself) to have forced your hand
diagonally, quite across your whole body, so as to gain the
bottom of your opposite coat pocket. — In the year one thou-
sand seven hundred and eighteen, when this happened, it
was extremely difficult; so that when my uncle Toby dis-
covered the transverse zig-zaggcrv of my father's approaches
towards it, it instantly brought into his mind those he had
CHAP. 4 TRISTRAM SHANDY 143
done duty in, before the gate of St. Nicolas; — the idea of
which drew off his attention so entirely from the subject in
debate, that he had got his right hand to the bell to ring up
Trim to go and fetch his map of Namur, and his compasses
and sector along with it, to measure the returning: angles of
the traverses of that attack, — but particularly of that one,
where he received his wound upon his groin.
My father knit his brows, and as he knit them, all the
blood in his body seemed to rush up into his face — my uncle
Tobv dismounted immediatclv.
— I did not apprehend your uncle Toby was o' horse-
back. —
Cknficr ^
A man's body and his mind, with the utmost reverence to
both I speak it, are exactly like a jerkin, and a jerkin's
lining; — rumple the one, — vou rumple the other. There is
one certain exception however in this case, and that is, when
you are so fortunate a fellow, as to have had your jerkin
made of gum-taffeta, and the body-lining to it of a sarcenet,
or thin persian.
Zeno, Cleanthes, Diogenes Babylonius, Dionvsius Hcr-
acleotcs, Antipater, Panaetius, and Posidonius amongst the
Greeks; — Cato and Varro and Seneca amongst the Romans;
— Pantaenus and Clemens Alexandrinus and Montaigne
amongst the Christians; and a score and a half of good,
honest, unthinking Shandean people as ever lived, whose
names I can't recollect, — all pretended that their jerkins
were made after this fashion, — you might have rumpled and
crumpled, and doubled and creased, and fretted and f ridged
the outside of them all to pieces; — in short, you might have
played the very devil with them, and at the same time, not
one of the insides of them would have been one button the
worse, for all you had done to ihc-m.
I believe in my conscience that mine is made up somewhat
144 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
after this sort: — for never poor jerkin has been tickled oif at
such a rate as it has been these last nine months together, —
and yet I declare, the lining to it, — as far as I am a judge
of the matter, it is not a three-penny piece the worse; — pell-
mell, helter-skelter, ding-dong, cut and thrust, back stroke
and fore stroke, side way and long way, have they been
trimming it for me: — had there been the least gumminess
in my lining, — by heaven! it had all of it long ago been
frayed and fretted to a thread.
— You Messrs. the Monthly reviewers! — how could you
cut and slash my jerkin as you did? — how did you know
but you would cut my lining too?
Heartily and from my soul, to the protection of that
Being who will injure none of us, do I recommend you
and your affairs, — so God bless you; — only next month,
if any one of you should gnash his teeth, and storm and
rage at me, as some of you did last May (in which I remem-
ber the weather was very hot) — don't be exasperated, if I
pass it by again with good temper, — being determined as
long as I live or write (which in my case means the same
thing) never to give the honest gentleman a worse word
or a worse wish than my uncle Toby gave the fly which
buzzed about his nose all dinner-time, — "Go, — go, poor
devil," quoth he, — "get thee gone, — why should I hurt
thee? This world is surely wide enough to hold both
thee and me."
Chafter 5
Any man. Madam, reasoning upwards, and observing the
prodigious suffusion of blood in my father's countenance, —
by means of which (as all the blood in his body seemed to
rush into his face, as I told you) he must have reddened,
pictorially and scientifically speaking, six whole tints and
a half, if not a full octave above his natural colour: — any
man. Madam, but my uncle Toby, who had observed this,
CHAP. 6 TRISTRAM SHAM)^ 145
together with the viDlent knitting <>t my father's brows,
and the extravagant contortion ot his body during the whole
affair, — would have concluded my tathcr in a rage; and
talcintr that for granted, — had he been a lover of such kind
of concord as arises from two such instruments being put
in exact tune, — he would instantly have screwed up his,
to the same pitch; — and then the devil and all had broke
loose — the whole piece, Madam, must have been played off
like the sixth of Avison Scarlatti — con furia, — like mad.
— Grant me patience! — What has con furia, — con strepitOy
— or any other hurly burly whatever to do with iiarmony:
Any man, I sav, Madam, but my uncle Toby, the be-
nignity of whose heart interpreted every motion of the
body in the kindest sense the motion would admit of, would
have concluded my father angry, and blamed him too. My
uncle Tobv blamed nothing but the tailor who cut the
pocket hole; — so sitting still till my father had got his
handkerchief out of it, and looking all the time up in his
face with inexpressible good-will — my father, at length,
went on as follows.
Chapter 6
"What prodigious armies you had in Flanders!" — Brother
Toby, quoth my father, I do believe thee to be as honest
a man, and with as good and as upright a heart as ever God
created; — nor is it thy fault, if all the children which have
been, may, can, shall, will, or ought to be begotten, come
with their heads foremost into the world: — but believe me,
dear Toby, the accidents which unavoidably way-lay them,
not only in the article of our begetting 'em — though these,
in mv opinion, are well worth considering, — but the dangers
and difficulties our children are beset with, after they are
got forth into the world, are enow — little need is there to
expose them to unnecessary ones in their passage to it. — Arc
these dangers, quoth my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon
146 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
my father's knee, and looking up seriously in his face for
an answer, — are these dangers greater now o' days, brother,
than in times past? Brother Toby, answered my father, if
a child was but fairly begot, and born alive, and healthy,
and the mother did well after it, — our forefathers never
looked farther. — My uncle Toby instantly withdrew his
hand from off my father's knee, reclined his body gently
back in his chair, raised his head till he could just see
the cornice of the room, and then directing the buccinatory
muscles along his cheeks, and the orbicular muscles around
his lips to do their duty — he whistled LUlahullero.
Chaffer j
Whilst my uncle Toby was whistling LUlahullero to my
father, — Dr. Slop was stamping, and cursing and damning
at Obadiah at a most dreadful rate, — it would have done
your heart good, and cured you. Sir, for ever of the vile
sin of swearing, to have heard him ; I am determined there-
fore to relate the whole affair to you.
When Dr. Slop's maid delivered the green baize bag with
her master's instruments in it, to Obadiah, she very sensibly
exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the
strings, and ride with it slung across his body: so undoing
the bow-knot, to lengthen the strings for him, without any
more ado, she helped him on with it. However, as this,
in some measure, unguarded the mouth of the bag, lest any
thing should bolt out in galloping back, at the speed Obadiah
threatened, they consulted to take it off again; and in the
great care and caution of their hearts, they had taken the
two strings and tied them close (pursing up the mouth of
tile bag first) with half a dozen hard knots, each of which
Obadiah, to make all safe, had twitched and drawn to-
gether with all the strength of his body.
This answered all that Obadiah and the maid intended;
but was no remedy against some evils which neither he or
CHAP. 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 147
she foresaw. The instruments, it seems, as tight as the bag
was tied above, had so much room to play in it, towards the
bottom (the shape of the bag being conical) that Obadiah
could not make a trot of it, but with such a terrible jingle,
what with the tirr-trir, forceps, and squirt, as would have
been enough, had Hymen been taking a jaunt that way, to
have frightened him out of the country; but when Obadiah
accelerated his motion, and from a plain trot assayed to
prick his coach-horse into a full gallop — by Heaven! Sir,
the jingle was incredible.
As Obadiah had a wife and three children — the turpii-
tude of fornication, and the many other political ill conse-
quences of this jingling, never once entered his brain, — he
had however his objection, which came home to himself,
and weighed with him, as it has oft-times done with the
greatest patriots. — "The poor fellow, Sir, was not able to
hear himself whistle."
Chapter 8
As Obadiah loved wind-music preferably to all the instru-
mental music he carried with him, — he very considerately
set his imagination to work, to contrive and to invent by what
means he should put himself in a condition of enjoying it.
In all distresses (except musical) where small cords arc
wanted, nothing is so apt to enter a man's head as his hat-
band: — the philosophy of this is so near the surface — I scorn
to enter into it.
As Obadiah's was a mixed case — mark, Sirs, — I say, a
mixed case; for it was obstetrical, — scriptical, squirtical,
papistical — and as far as the coach-horse was concerned in
it, — caball-istical — and only partly musical; — Obadiah
made no scruple of availing himself of the first expedient
which offered; — so taking hold of the bag and instruments,
and griping them hard together with one hand, and with
the finger and thumb of the other putting the end of the
148 TRISTRAM SHANDY book in
hat-band betwixt his teeth, and then slipping his hand down
to the middle of it, — he tied and cross-tied them all fast
together from one end to the other (as you would cord a
a trunk) with such a multiplicity of roundabouts and
intricate cross turns, with a hard knot at every intersection
or point where the strings met, — that Dr. Slop must have
had three fifths of Job's patience at least to have unloosed
them. — I think in my conscience, that had Nature been in
one of her nimble moods, and in humour for such a contest
— and she and Dr. Slop both fairly started together — there
is no man living who had seen the bag with all that Obadiah
had done to it, — and known likewise the great speed the
Goddess can make when she thinks proper, who would have
had the least doubt remaining in his mind — which of the
two would have carried off the prize. My mother. Madam,
had been delivered sooner than the green bag infallibly —
at least, by twenty knots. — Sport of small accidents, Tris-
tram Shandy! that thou art, and ever will be! had that
trial been for thee, and it was fifty to one but it had, —
thy afiFairs had not been so depressed — (at least by the de-
pression of thy nose) as they have been; nor had the for-
tunes of thy house and the occasions of making them, which
have so often presented themselves in the course of thy
life, to thee, been so often, so vexatiously, so tamely, so
irrecoverably abandoned — as thou hast been forced to leave
them; — but 'tis over, — all but the account of 'em, which
cannot be given to the curious till I am got out into the
world.
Chapter g
Great wits jump: for the moment Dr. Slop cast his eyes
upon his bag (which he had not done till the dispute with
my uncle Toby about midwifery put him in mind of it) —
the very same thought occurred. — 'Tis God's mercy, quoth
he (to himself) that Mrs. Shandy has had so bad a time of
it, — else she might have been brought to bed seven times
CHAP. 10 TRISTRAM SHANDY 149
told, before one half of these knots could have got untied.
— But here you must distinguish — the thought floated only
in Dr. Slop's mind, without sail or ballast to it, as a simple
proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are
ever)' day swimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice
of a man's understanding, without being carried backwards
or forwards, till some little gusts of passion or interest drive
them to one side.
A sudden trampling in the room above, near my mother's
bed, did the proposition the very service I am speaking of.
Bv all that's unfortunate, quoth Dr. Slop, unless I make
haste, the thing will actually befall me as it is.
Chafter 10
In the case of knots, — by which, in the first place, I would
not be understood to mean slip-knots — because in the course
of my life and opinions — mv opinions concerning them
will come in more properly when I mention the catastrophe
of my great uncle Mr. Hammond Shandy, — a little man, —
but of high fancy: — he rushed into the duke of Monmouth's
affair: — nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that par-
ticular species of knots called bow-knots; — there is so little
address, or skill, or patience required in the unloosing them,
that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them.
— But by the knots I am speaking of, may it please your
reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest, devilish
tight, hard knots, made bona fidcy as Obadiah made his; —
in which there is no quibbling provision made by the dupli-
cation and return of the two ends of the strings thro' the
annulus or noose made by the second implication of them — to
get them slipped and undone by. — I hope you apprehend me.
In the case of these knots then, and of the several ob-
structions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots
cast in our way in getting through life — every hasty man
can whip out his penknife and cut through them. — 'Ti?
150 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
wrong. Believe mc, Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which
both reason and conscience dictate — is to take our teeth or
our fingers to them. — Dr. Slop had lost his teeth — his fa-
vourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or
by some misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had
formerly, in a hard labour, knocked out three of the best
of them with the handle of it: — he tried his fingers — alas;
the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close. — The
deuce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried
Dr. Slop. — The trampling over head near my mother's bed-
side increased. — Pox take the fellow! I shall never get the
knots untied as long as I live. — My mother gave a groan. —
Lend me your penknife — I must e'en cut the knots at last —
pugh! — psha! — Lord! I have cut my thumb quite across to
the very bone — curse the fellow — if there was not another
man-midwife within fifty miles — I am undone for this bout
— I wish the scoundrel hanged — I wish he was shot — I wish
all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead! —
My father had a great respect for Obadiah, and could
not bear to hear him disposed of in such a manner — he had
moreover some little respect for himself — and could as
ill bear with the indignity offered to himself in it.
Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but his thumb —
my father had passed it by — his prudence had triumphed:
as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.
Small curses. Dr. Slop, upon great occasions, quoth my
father (condoling with him first upon the accident) are
hut so much waste of our strength and soul's health to no
manner of purpose. — I own it, replied Dr. Slop. — They are
like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle Toby (suspending his
whistling) fired against a bastion. — They serve, continued
my father, to stir the humours — but carry oflF none of their
acrimony: — for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all
— I hold it bad — but if I fall into it by surprise, I generally
retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle
CHAP. lo 'IRIS'IRAM SHAM)^' 151
Toby) as to make it answer my purpose — that i\, I swear
on till I find myself easy. A wise and a just man however
would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to
these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring
within himself — but to the size and ill intent of the offence
upon which they are to fall. — "Injuries come only from the
heart," — quoth my uncle Toby. For this reason, continued
my father, with the most Cervantic gravity, I have the
greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who,
in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and
composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suit-
able to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation
which could possiblv happen to him — which forms being
well considered by him, and such moreover as he could
stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimney-piece,
within his reach, ready for use. — I never apprehended, re-
plied Dr. Slop, that such a thing was ever thought of — much
less executed. I beg your pardon, answered my father; I
was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother
Toby this morning, whilst he poured out the tea — 'tis here
upon the shelf over my head; — but if I remember right,
'tis too violent for a cut of the thumb. — Not at all, quoth
Dr. Slop — the devil take the fellow. — Then, answered my
father, 'Tis much at your service. Dr. Slop — on condition
vou will read it aloud; — so rising up and reaching down a
form of excommunication of the church of Rome, a copy
of which, my father (who was curious in his collections)
had procured out of the leger-book of the church of
Rochester, writ by Ernulphus the bishop — with a most af-
fected seriousness of look and voice, which might have
cajoled Ernulphus himself — he put it into Dr. Slop's
hands. — Dr. Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his
handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any
suspicion, read aloud, as follows — my uncle Toby whistling
Lilkibullero as loud as he could all the time.
152 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
Textus de Ecclesia Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.
CAP. XI
EXCOMMUNICATIO
Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus
Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctaeque et intemeratae
Virginis Dei genetricis Mariae, —
— Atque omnium coelestium virtutum, angelorum,
archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum,
cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophet-
arum, & omnium apostolorum & evangelistarum, &
sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni
inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum mar-
tyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum,
atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei, —
vel OS s
Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus hunc furem, vel
vel OS s
hunc malefactorem, N. N. et a liminibus sanctae Dei
veil
ecclesiae sequestramus, et aeternis suppliciis excruciandus,
As the genuineness of the consultation of the Sorbonne upon the
question of baptism, was doubted by some, and denied bj' others —
'twas thought proper to print the original of this excommunication;
for the copy of which Mr. Shandy returns thanks to the chapter clerk
of the dean and chapter of Rochester.
CHAP. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 153
Chapter 11
"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and
Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the iindcfilcd
Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour." I
think there is no necessity, quoth Dr. Slop, dropping the
paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my
father — as you have read it over. Sir, so lately, to read it
aloud — and as Captain Shandy seems to have no great in-
clination to hear it — I may as well read it to myself. That's
contrary- to treaty, replied my father: — besides, there is
something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I
should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading. Dr.
Slop did not altogether like it, — hut my uncle Toby offcr-
insr at that instant to ^ive over whistlin2:, and read it himself
to them; — Dr. Slop thought he might as well read it under
the cover of my uncle Toby's whistling — as suffer my uncle
Toby to read it alone; — so raising up the paper to his face,
and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his
chagrin — he read it aloud as follows — my uncle Toby
whistling LillabullerOy though not quite so loud as before.
"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and
Holy Ghost, and of the undenled Virgin Mary, mother and
patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues,
angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and
seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all
the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who
in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the
new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the
holy virgins, and of all the saints, together with the holy and
elect of God, — May he" (Obadiah) "be damned" (for ty-
ing these knots) — "We excommunicate, and anathematize
him, and from the thresiiolds of the holy churcli of God
Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented.
154 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
n
mancipetur, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui
dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede a nobis, scientiam viarum
tuarum nolumus: et sicut aqua ignis extinguitur, sic ex-
vel eorum n
tinguatur lucerna ejus in secula seculorum nisi resipuerit,
n
et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen.
OS
Maledicat ilium Deus Pater qui hominem creavit.
OS
Maledicat ilium Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est.
OS
Maledicat ilium Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus
OS
est. Maledicat ilium sancta crux, quam Christus pro
nostra salute hostem triumphans ascendit.
OS
Maledicat ilium sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo
OS
Maria. Maledicat ilium sanctus Michael, animarum sus-
os
ceptor sacrarum. Maledicant ilium omnes angeli et
archangeli, principatus et potestates, omnisque militia
coelestis.
OS
Maledicat ilium patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis
OS
numerus. Maledicat ilium sanctus Johannes Praecusor ct
Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque
sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et
caeteri discipuli, quatuor quoque cvnngclistac, qui sua
praedicatione mundum universum converterunt. Mak-
es
dicat ilium cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui
Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est.
OS
Maledicant ilium sacrarum virginum chori, quae mundi
vana causa honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt.
OS
Maledicant ilium omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque
in finem seculi Deo dilecti inveniuntur.
CHAP. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 155
disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and
with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we
desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with
water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless
it shall repent him" (Obadiah, of the knots which he has
tied) "and make satisfaction" (for them) "Amen,"
"May the Father who created man, curse him. — May
the Son who suffered for us, curse him. — May the Holv
Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him (Obadiah)
— May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation tri-
umphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.
"May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God,
curse him. — May St. Michael, the advocate of holy souls,
curse him. — May all the angels and archangels, princi-
palities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him."
[Our armies swore terribly in Flanders, cried my uncle
Toby, — but nothing to this. — For my own part I could not
have a heart to curse my dog so.]
"May St. John, the Praecursor, and St. John the Baptist,
and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all othei
Christ's apostles, together curse him. And may the rest of
his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching
converted the universal world, and may the holy and won-
derful company of martyrs and confessors who by their
holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse
him" (Obadiah).
"May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the
honour of Christ have despised the things of the world,
damn him — May all the saints, who from the beginnine
of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of
God, damn him —
156 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
OS
Maledicant ilium coeli et terra, ct omnia sancta in cis
manentia.
n n
Maledictus sit ubicunque fuerit, sive in domo, sive in
agro, sive in via, sive in semita, sive in silva, sive in aqua,
sive in ecclesia.
i n
Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo, —
munducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormi-
tando, dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo,
jacendo, operando, quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, fleboto-
mando.
i n
Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis,
i n
Maledictus sit intus et exterius.
I n
Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus sit in cerebro.
i n
Maledictus sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auri-
culis, in superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus,
in dentibus, mordacibus, sive molaribus, in labiis, in guttere,
in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in
pectore, in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus,
in renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis,
in genubus, in crurib-.is, in pedibus, et in inguibus.
Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice
capitis, usque ad plantam pedis — non sit in eo sanitas.
Maledicat ilium Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suae ma-
jestatis impcrio.
CHAP. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 157
"May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things
remaining therein, damn him," (Obadiah) "or her," (or,
who ever else had a hand in tying these knots).
"May he (Obadiah) be damned wherever he be —
whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the iield,
or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the
water, or in the church. — May he be cursed in living, in
dying." [Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a
minim in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one con-
tinued n( te to the end of the sentence. — Dr. Slop, with his
division of curses moving under him, like a running bass
all the way.] "May he be cursed in eating and drinking,
in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in
slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying,
in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-
letting!"
"May he" (Obadiah) "be cursed in all the faculties of
his body!
"May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly! May
he be cursed in the hair of his head! — May he be cursed
in his brains, and in his vertex," (that is a sad curse, quoth
my father) "in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in
his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils,
in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his
shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his
fingers!
"May he be damned in his mouth, in his breast, in his
heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!
"May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin," (God
in heaven forbid! quoth my uncle Toby) "in his thighs, in
his genitals," (my father shook his head) "and in his hips,
and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe-nails!
158 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
— et insurgat adversus ilium coelum cum omnibus
virtutibus quae in eo moventur ad damnandu?n eum, nisi
penituerit et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen. Fiat, fiat.
Amen.
CHAi>. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 159
"May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of
his members, from the top of his head to the sole of his
foot! May there be no soundness in him!
"May the Son of the living God, with all the glory of
his Majesty" — [Here my uncle Toby, throwing back his
head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew — w — w — some-
thing betwixt the interjectional whistle of Heyday! and the
word itself. —
— By the golden beard of Jupiter — and of Juno (if her
majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your
heathen worships, which by the bye was no small number,
since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods
aerial and aquatic — to say nothing of the beards of town-
gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your
wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and con-
cubines (that is in case they wore 'em) — all which beards,
as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered
up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective
beards upon the pagan establishment; — every beard of which
claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn
by — by all these beards together then — I vow and protest,
that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I
would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid
Hamlet offered his — to have stood by, and heard my uncle
Toby's accompaniment.
— "Curse him!" continued Dr. Slop, — "and may heaven,
with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him,
curse and damn him" (Obadiah) "unless he repent and
make satisfaction! Amen. So be it, — so be it. Amen."
I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my heart would not let
me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness. — He is
the father of curses, replied Dr. Slop. — So am not I, replied
mv uncle. — But he is cursed and damned already, to ali
eternity, replied Dr. Slop.
I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle Toby.
i6o TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
Dr. Slop drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to
return my uncle Toby the compliment of his Whu — u — u
— or interjectional whistle — when the door hastily opening
in the next chapter but one — put an end to the affair.
Chapter 12
Now don't let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend
that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of
ours are our own; and because we have the spirit to swear
them, — imagine that we have had the wit to invent them too.
I'll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the
world, except to a connoisseur: — though I declare I object
only to a connoisseur in swearing, — as I would do to a con-
noisseur in painting, etc., etc., the whole set of 'em are so
hung round and befetished with the bobs and trinkets of
criticism, — or to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a
pity, — for I have fetched it as far as from the coast of
Guiney; — their heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and
compasses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them
upon all occasions, that a work of genius had better go to
the devil at once, than stand to be pricked and tortured to
death by 'em.
— And how did Garrick speak the soliloquy last night? —
Oh, against all rule, my Lord, — most ungrammatically!
betwixt the substantive and the adjective, which should agree
together in number, case, and gender, he made a breach thus,
— stopping, as if the point wanted settling; — and betwixt
the nominative case, which your lordship knows should gov-
ern the verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen
times three seconds and three fifths by a stop-watch, my
Lord, each time. — Admirable grammarian! — but in sus-
pending his voice — was the sense suspended likewise? Did
no expression of attitude or countenance fill up the chasm?
— Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly look? — I looked
only at the stop-watch, my Lord. — Excellent observer!
CHAP. 12 TRISTRAM SHANDY i6i
And what of this new book the whole world makes such
a rout about: — Oh! 'tis out of all plumb, my Lord, — quite
an irregular thing! — not one of the angles at the four
corners was a right angle. — I had my rule and compasses,
etc., my Lord, in my pocket. — Excellent critic!
— And for the epic poem your lordship bid me look at —
upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and
trying them at home upon an exact scale of Bossu's — 'tis out,
my Lord, in every one of its dimensions. — Admirable con-
noisseur !
— And did you step in, to take a look at the grand pic-
ture in your way back? — 'Tis a melancholy daub! my Lord;
not one principle of the pyramid in any one group! — and
what a price! — for there is nothing of the colouring of
Titian — the expression of Rubens — the grace of Raphael —
the purity of Dominichino — the corregiescity of Corregio —
the learning of Poussin — the airs of Guido — the taste of the
Carrachis — or the grand contour of Angelo. — Grant mc
patience, just Heaven! — Of all the cants which are canted
in this canting world — though the cant of hypocrites may
be the worst — the cant of criticism is the most tormenting!
I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse
worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous
heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his
author's hands — be pleased he knows not why, and cares
not wherefore.
Great Apollo! if thou art in a giving humour — give mc
— I ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a
single spark of thy own fire along with it — and send Mer-
cury, with the rules and compasses, if he can be spared, with
my compliments to — no matter.
Now to any one else I will undertake to prove, that all
the oaths and imprecations which we have been puffing off
upon the world for these two hundred and fifty years last
past as originals — except St. Paul's thumb — God's flesh and
i62 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
God's fish, which were oaths monarchical, and, considering
who made them, not much amiss; and as king's oaths, 'tis not
much matter whether they were fish or flesh; — else I say,
there is not an oath, or at least a curse amongst them, which
has not been copied over and over again out of Ernulphus a
thousand times: but, like all other copies, how infinitely
short of the force and spirit of the original! — It is thought
to be no bad oath — and by itself passes very well — "G — d
damn you." — Set it beside Ernulphus's — "God Almighty
the Father damn you — God the Son damn you — God the
Holy Ghost damn you" — you see 'tis nothing. — There is
an orientality in his, we cannot rise up to: besides, he is
more copious in his invention — possessed more of the ex-
cellencies of a swearer — had such a thorough knowledge of
the human frame, its membranes, nerves, ligaments, knit-
tings of the joints, and articulations, — that when Ernulphus
cursed — no part escaped him. — 'Tis true there is something
of a hardness in his manner — and, as in Michael Angelo, a
want of grace — but then there is such a greatness of gusto!
My father, who generally looked upon every thing in a
light very different from all mankind, would, after all,
never allow this to be an original. — He considered rather
Ernulphus's anathema, as an institute of swearing, in which,
as he suspected, upon the decline of swearing in some milder
pontificate, Ernulphus, by order of the succeeding pope, had
with great learning and diligence collected together all the
laws of it; — for the same reason that Justinian, in the de-
cline of the empire, had ordered his chancellor Tribonian to
collect the Roman or civil laws all together into one code
or digest — lest, through the rust of time — and the fatality
of all things committed to oral tradition — they should be
lost to the world for ever.
For this reason my father would oft-times affirm, there
was not an oath, from the great and tremendous oath of
William the Conqueror (By the splendour of God) down
CHAP. 13 TRISTRAM SHANDY 163
to the lowest oath of a scavenger (Damn your eyes) which
was not to be found in Ernulphus. — In short, he would add
— I defy a man to swear out of it.
The hypothesis is, like most of my father's, singular and
ingenious too; — nor have I any objection to it, but that it
overturns my own.
Chapter 12
— Bless my soul! — my poor mistress is ready to faint — and
her pains are gone — and the drops are done — and the bottle
of julap is broke — and the nurse has cut her arm — (and I,
my thumb, cried Dr. Slop,) and the child is where it was,
continued Susannah, — and the midwife has fallen back-
wards upon the edge of the fender, and bruised her hip as
black as your hat. — I'll look at it, quoth Dr. Slop. — There
is no need of that, replied Susannah, — you had better look
at my mistress — but the midwife would gladly first give you
an account how things are, so desires you would go up stairs
and speak to her this moment.
Human nature is the same in all professions.
The midwife had just before been put over Dr. Slop's
head — He had not digested it. — No, replied Dr. Slop,
'twould be full as proper, if the midwife came down to
me. — I like subordination, quoth my uncle Toby, — and but
for it, after the reduction of Lisle, I know not what might
have become of the garrison of Ghent, in the mutiny for
bread, in the year Ten. — Nor, replied Dr. Slop, (parodying
my uncle Toby's hobby-horsical reflection; though full as
hobby-horsical himself) — do I know, Captain Shandy, what
might have become of the garrison above stairs, in the
mutiny and confusion I find all things are in at present, but
for the subordination of fingers and thumbs to ****** —
the application of which. Sir, under this accident of mine,
comes in so a frofos, that without it, the cut upon my thumb
i64 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
might have been felt by the Shandy family, as long as the
Shandy family had a name.
Chapter 14
Let us go back to the ****** — in the last chapter. It is a
singular stroke of eloquence (at least it was so, when elo-
quence flourished at Athens and Rome, and would be so
now, did orators wear mantles) not to mention the name
of a thing, when you had the thing about you in fettOy ready
to produce, pop, in the place you want it. A scar, an axe,
a sword, a pinked doublet, a rusty helmet, a pound and a
half of pot-ashes in an urn, or a three-halfpenny pickle pot
— but above all, a tender infant royally accoutred. — Tho'
if it was too young, and the oration as long as Tully's second
Philippic — it must certainly have beshit the orator's mantle.
— And then again, if too old, — it must have been unwieldy
and incommodious to his action — so as to make him lose by
his child almost as much as he could gain by it. — Otherwise,
when a state orator has hit the precise age to a minute — hid
his BAMBINO in his mantle so cunningly that no mortal
could smell it — and produced so critically, that no soul could
say, it came in by head and shoulders — Oh Sirs! it has done
wonders — It has opened the sluices, and turned the brains,
and shook the principles, and unhinged the politics of half
a nation.
These feats however are not to be done, except in those
states and times, I say, where orators wore mantles — and
pretty large ones too, my brethren, with some twenty or five-
and-twenty yards of good purple, superfine, marketable cloth
in them — with large flowing folds and doubles, and in a
great style of design. — All which plainly shews, may it
please your worships, that the decay of eloquence, and the
little good service it does at present, both within and without
doors, is owing to nothing else in the world, but short coats,
CHAP. i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 165
and the disuse of trunk-hose. — We can conceal nothing
under ours, Madam, worth shewing.
Chapter 75
Dr. Slop was within an ace of being an exception to all
this argumentation: for happening to have his green baize
bag upon his knees, when he began to parody my uncle Toby
— 'twas as good as the best mantle in the world to him: for
which purpose, when he foresaw the sentence would end in
his new-invented forceps, he thrust his hand into the bag in
order to have them ready to clap in, where your reverences
took so much notice of the ***, which had he managed —
my uncle Toby had certainly been overthrown : the sentence
and the argument in that case jumping closely in one point,
so like the two lines which form the salient angle of a
ravelin, — Dr. Slop would never have given them up; — and
my uncle Toby would as soon have thought of flying, as
taking them by force; but Dr. Slop fumbled so vilely in
pulling them out, it took off the whole effect, and what was
a ten times worse evil (for they seldom come alone in this
life) in pulling out his forceps, his forceps unfortunately
drew out the squirt along with it.
When a proposition can be taken in two senses — 'tis a
law in disputation, That the respondent may reply to which
of the two he pleases, or finds most convenient for him. —
This threw the advantage of the argument quite on my
uncle Toby's side. — "Good God ! " cried my uncle Toby,
"are children brought into the world with a squirt?"
Chapter 1 6
— Upon my honour. Sir, you have tore every bit of skin
quite off the back of both my hands with your forceps, cried
my uncle Toby — and you have crushed all my knuckles into
the bargain with them to a jelly. 'Tis your own fault, said
Dr. Slop — you should have clinched your two fists together
i66 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
into the form of a child's head as 1 told you, and sat firm. —
I did so, answered my uncle Toby. — Then the points of my
forceps have not been sufficiently armed, or the rivet wants
closing — or else the cut on my thumb has made me a little
awkward — or possibly — 'Tis well, quoth my father, inter-
rupting the detail of possibilities — that the experiment was
not first made upon my child's head-piece. — It would not
have been a cherry-stone the worse, answered Dr. Slop. — I
maintain it, said my uncle Toby, it would have broke the
cerebellum (unless indeed the skull had been as hard as a
granado) and turned it all into a perfect posset. — Pshaw!
replied Dr. Slop, a child's head is naturally as soft as the
pap of an apple; — the sutures give way — and besides, I could
have extracted by the feet after. — Not you, said she. — I
rather wish you would begin that way, quoth my father.
Pray do, added my uncle Toby.
Chaffer 1 7
— And pray, good woman, after all, will you take upon you
to say, it may not be the child's hip, as well as the child's
head? — 'Tis most certainly the head, replied the midwife
Because, continued Dr. Slop (turning to my father) as posi-
tive as these old ladies generally are — 'tis a point very diffi-
cult to know — and yet of the greatest consequence to be
known; — because. Sir, if the hip is mistaken for the head —
there is a possibility (if it is a boy) that the forceps *****
^ y^ "^ "yf. yf^ y^ yf. vf. y^
— What the possibility was. Dr. Slop whispered very low
to my father, and then to my uncle Toby. — There is no
such danger, continued he, with the head. — No, in truth,
quoth my father — but when your possibility has taken place
at the hip — you may as well take ofir the head too.
— It is morally impossible the reader should understand
this — 'tis enough Dr. Slop understood it; — so taking the
green baize bag in his hand, with the help of Obadiah's
CHAP. 1 8 TRISTRAM SHAM)^- 167
pumps, he tripped pretty nimbly, for a man of his size, across
the room to the door — and from the door was shewn the
way, by the good old midwife, to my mother's apartment.
Chapter 18
It is two hours, and ten minutes — and no more — cried my
father, looking at his watch, since Dr. Slop and Obadiah
arrived — and I know not how it happens, brother Toby — •
but to my imagination it seems almost an age.
— Here — pray. Sir, take hold of my cap — nay, take the
bell along with it, and my pantoufles too.
Now, Sir, they are all at your service; and I freely make
you a present of 'em, on condition you give me all your
attention to this chapter.
Though my father said, "he knew not how it happened,*"
— \ ct he knew very well how it happened; — and at the in-
stant he spoke it, was pre-determined in his mind to give my
uncle Toby a clear account of the matter by a metaphysical
dissertation upon the subject of duration and its simple
modes, in order to show my uncle Toby by what mechanism
and mensurations in the brain it came to pass, that the rapid
succession of their ideas, and the eternal scampering of the
discourse from one thing to another, since Dr. Slop had
come into the room, had lengthened out so short a period
to so inconceivable an extent. — "I know not how it happens
— cried my father, — but it seems an age."
— 'Tis owing entirely, quoth mv uncle Toby, to the suc-
cession of our ideas.
My father, who had an itch, in common with all philos-
ophers, of reasoning upon every thing which happened, and
accounting for it too — proposed infinite pleasure to himself
in this, of the succession of ideas, and had not the least
apprehension of having it snatched out of his hands by my
uncle Toby, who (honest man! ) generally took every thing
as it happened; — and who, of all things in the world,
i68 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
troubled his brain the least with abstruse thinking; — the
ideas of time and space — or how we came by those ideas —
or of what stuff they were made — or whether they were
born with us — or we picked them up afterwards as we went
along — or whether we did it in frocks — or not till we had
got into breeches — with a thousand other inquiries and dis-
putes about Infinity, Prescience, Liberty, Necessity, and so
forth, upon whose desperate and unconquerable theories so
many fine heads have been turned and cracked — never did
my uncle Toby's the least injury at all ; my father knew it —
and was no less surprised than he was disappointed, with
my uncle's fortuitous solution.
Do you understand the theory of that affair? replied my
father.
Not I, quoth my uncle.
— But you have some ideas, said my father, of what you
talk about? —
No more than my horse, replied my uncle Toby.
Gracious heaven! cried my father, looking upwards, and
clasping his two hands together — there is a worth in thy
honest ignorance, brother Toby — 'twere almost a pity to
exchange it for a knowledge. — But I'll tell thee. —
To understand what time is aright, without which we
never can comprehend infinity, insomuch as one is a portion
of the other — we ought seriously to sit down and consider
what idea it is we have of duration, so as to give a satisfac-
tory account how we came by it. — What is that to any body?
quoth my uncle Toby. ^ For if you will turn your eyes
inwards upon your mind, continued my father, and observe
attentively, you will perceive, brother, that whilst you and
I are talking together, and thinking, and smoking our pipes,
or whilst we receive successively ideas in our minds, we
know that we do exist, and so we estimate the existence, or
the continuation of the existence of ourselves, or any thing
1 Vide Locke.
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 169
else, commensurate to the succession of any ideas in our
minds, the duration of ourselves, or any such other thing
co-existing with our thinking — and so according to that pre-
conceived — \'ou puzzle me to death, cried my uncle Toby.
— 'Tis owing to this, replied my father, that in our com-
putations of time, we are so used to minutes, hours, weeks,
and months — and of clocks (I wish there was not a clock in
the kingdom) to measure out their several portions to us.
and to those who belong to us — that 'twill be well, if in time
to come, the succession of our ideas be of any use or service
to us at all.
Now, whether we observe it or no, continued my father,
in every sound man's head, there is a regular succession of
ideas of one sort or other, which follow each other in train
just like — A train of artillery? said my uncle Tob) — a train
of a fiddle-stick! — quoth my father — which follow and suc-
ceed one another in our minds at certain distances, just like
the images in the inside of a lanthorn turned round by the
heat of a candle. — I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, mine
are more like a smoke-jack. — Then, brother Toby, I have
nothing more to say to you upon the subject, said my father.
Chapter ig
— What a conjuncture was here lost! — My father in one
of his best explanatory moods — in eager pursuit of a meta-
physical point into the very regions, where clouds and thick
darkness would soon have encompassed it about; — my uncle
Toby in one of the finest dispositions for it in the world;
his head like a smoke-jack; — the funnel unswept, and the
ideas whirling round and round about in it, all obfuscated
and darkened over with fuliginous matter! — By the tomb-
stone of Lucian — if it is in being — if not, why then by his
ashes! by the ashes of my dear Rabelais, and dearer Cer-
vantes! — my father and my uncle Toby's discourse upon
Time and Eternity — was a discourse devoutly to be wished
I70 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
for! and the petulancy of my father's humour, in putting
a stop to it as he did, was a robbery of the Ontologic Treas-
ury of such a jewel, as no coalition of great occasions and
great men are ever likely to restore to it again.
Chapter 20
Tho' my father persisted in not going on with the discourse
■— yet he could not get mv uncle Toby's smoke-jack out of
his head — piqued as he was at first with it; — there was
something in the comparison at the bottom, which hit his
fancy; for which purpose, resting his elbow upon the table,
and reclining the right side of his head upon the palm of
his hand — but looking first stedfastly in the fire — he began
to commune with himself, and philosophize about it: but
his spirits being wore out with the fatigues of investigating
new tracts, and the constant exertion of his faculties upon
that variety of subjects which had taken their turn in the
discourse — the idea of the smoke-jack soon turned all his
ideas upside down — so that he fell asleep almost before he.
knew what he was about.
As for my uncle Toby, his smoke-jack had not made a
dozen revolutions, before he fell asleep also. — Peace be with
them both! — Dr. Slop is engaged with the midwife and my
mother above stairs. — Trim is busy in turning an old pair
of jack-boots into a couple of mortars, to be employed in
the siege of Messina next summer — and is this instant boring
the touch-holes with the point of a hot poker. — All my
heroes are off my hands; — 'tis the first time I have had a
moment to spare — and I'll make use of it, and write my
preface.
The Author's Preface
No, I'll not say a word about it — here it is; — in publishing
it — I have appealed to the world — and to the world I leave
it; — it must speak for itself.
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY 171
All I know of the matter is — when I sat down, my intent
was to write a good book; and as far as the tenuity of my
understanding would hold out — a wise, aye, and a discreet
— taking care only, as I went along, to put into it all the
wit and the judgment (be it more or less) which the great
Author and Bestower of them had thought fit originally to
give me — so that, as your worships see — 'tis just as God
pleases.
Now, Agelastes (speaking dispraisingly) sayeth. That
there may be some wit in it, for aught he knows — but no
judgment at all. And Triptolemus and Phutatorius agree-
ing thereto, ask, How is it possible there should? for that
wit and judgment in this world never go together; inasmuch
as they are two operations differing from each other as wide
as cast from west — So, says Locke — so are farting and hic-
cuping, say I. But in answer to this, Didius the great church
lawyer, in his code de fartendi et illustrandi fallaciis, doth
maintain and make fully appear, That an illustration is no
argument — nor do I maintain the wiping of a looking-glass
clean to be a syllogism; — but you all, may it please your
worships, see the better for it — so that the main good these
things do is only to clarify the understanding, previous to
the application of the argument itself, in order to free it
from any little motes, or specks of opacular matter, which,
if left swimming therein, might hinder a conception and
spoil all.
Now, mv dear Anti-Shandcans, and thrice able critics,
and fellow-labourers (for to you I write this Preface) —
and to you, most subtle statesmen and discreet doctors (do
— pull off your beards) renowned for gravity and wisdom;
— Monopolus, my politician — Didius, my counsel; Kysar-
cius, my friend; — Phutatorius, my guide; — Gastripheres,
the preserver of my life; Somnolcntius, the balm and re-
pose of it — not forgetting all others, as well sleeping as
waking, ecclesiastical as civil, whom for brevity, but out of
172 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
no resentment to you, I lump all together. — Believe me,
right worthy.
My most zealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalf,
and in my own too, in case the thing is not done already for
us — is, that the great gifts and endowments both of wit and
judgment, with every thing which usually goes along with
them — such as memory, fancy, genius, eloquence, quick
parts, and what not, may this precious moment, without stint
or measure, let or hindrance, be poured down warm as each
of us could bear it — scum and sediment and all (for I
would not have a drop lost) into the several receptacles, cells,
cellules, domiciles, dormitories, refectories, and spare places
of our brains — in such sort, that they might continue to be
injected and tunned into, according to the true intent and
meaning of my wish, until every vessel of them, both great
and small, be so replenished, saturated, and filled up there-
with, that no more, would it save a man's life, could possibly
be got either in or out.
Bless us! — what noble work we should make! — how
should I tickle it off! — and what spirits should I find myself
in, to be writing away for such readers! — and you — ^just
heaven! — with what raptures would you sit and read — but
oh! — 'tis too much — I am sick — I faint away deliciously
at the thoughts of it — 'tis more than nature can bear! — lay
hold of me — I am giddy — I am stone blind — I'm dying —
I am gone. — Help! Help! Help! — But hold — I grow some-
thing better again, for I am beginning to foresee, when
this is over, that as we shall all of us continue to be great
wits — we should never agree amongst ourselves, one day to
an end: — there would be so much satire and sarcasm —
scofl!ing and flouting, with rallying and reparteeing of it —
thrusting and parrying in one corner or another — there
would be nothing but mischief among us — Chaste stars!
what biting and scratching, and what a racket and a clatter
we should make, what with breaking of heads, rapping of
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY 173
knuckles, and hitting of sore places — there would be no
such thing as living for us.
But then again, as we should all of us be men of great
judgment, we should make up matters as fast as ever they
went wrong; and though we should abominate each other
ten times worse than so many devils or devilesses, we should
nevertheless, my dear creatures, be all courtesy and kindness,
milk and honey — 'twould be a second land of promise — a
paradise upon earth, if there was such a thing to be had —
so that upon the whole we should have done well enough.
All I fret and fume at, and what most distresses my
invention at present, is how to bring the point itself to bear;
for as your worships well know, that of these heavenly
emanations of wit and judgment, which I have so bounti-
fully wished both for your worships and myself — there is
but a certain quantum stored up for us all for the use and
behoof of the whole race of mankind; and such small modi-
cums of 'em are only sent forth into this wide world, circu-
lating here and there in one bye corner or another — and in
such narrow streams, and at such prodigious intervals from
each other, that one would wonder how it holds out, or could
be sufficient for the wants and emergencies of so many great
estates, and populous empires.
Indeed there is one thing to be considered, that in Nova
Zembla, North Lapland, and in all those cold and dreary
tracts of the globe, which lie more directly under the arctia
and antarctic circles, where the whole province of man's
concernments lies for near nine months together within tiie
narrow compass of his cave — where the spirits are com-
pressed almost to nothing — and where the passions of a man,
with every thing which belongs to them, are as frigid as
the zone itself — there the least quantity of judgment im-
aginable does the business — and of wit — there is a total and
an absolute saving — for as not one spark is wanted — so nof
one spark is given. Angels and ministers of grace defend
174 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
us! what a dismal thing would it have been to have governed
a kingdom, to have fought a battle, or made a treaty, or
run a match, or wrote a book, or got a child, or held a
provincial chapter there, with so plentiful a lack of wit and
judgment about us! For mercy's sake, let us think no more
about it, but travel on as fast as we can southwards into
Norway — crossing over Swedeland, if you please, through
the small triangular province of Angermania to the lake of
Bothnia; coasting along it through east and west Bothnia,
down to Carelia, and so on, through all those states and
provinces which border upon the far side of the Gulf of
Finland, and the north-east of the Baltic, up to Petersbourg,
and just stepping into Ingria; — then stretching over directly
from thence through the north parts of the Russian empire
— leaving Siberia a little upon the left hand, till we got
into the very heart of Russian and Asiatic Tartary.
Now throughout this long tour which I have led you, you
observe the good people are better off by far, than in the
polar countries which we have just left: — for if you hold
your hand over your eyes, and look very attentively, you
may perceive some small glimmerings (as it were) of wit,
with a comfortable provision of good plain household judg-
ment, which, taking the quality and quantity of it together,
they make a very good shift with — and had they more of
either the one or the other, it would destroy the proper
balance betwixt them, and I am satisfied moreover they
would want occasions to put them to use.
Now, Sir, if I conduct you home again into this warmer
and more luxuriant island, where you perceive the springtide
of our blood and humours runs high — where we have more
ambition, and pride, and envy, and lechery, and other whore-
son passions upon our hands to govern and subject to reason
— the height of our wit, and the depth of our judgment,
you see, are exactly proportioned to the length and breadth
of our necessities — and accordingly we have them sent down
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY 175
.imongst us in such a flowing kind of descent and creditable
plenty, that no one thinks he has any cause to complain.
It must however be confessed on this head, that, as our
air blows hot and cold — wet and dry, ten times in a day, wc
have them in no regular and settled way; — so that sometimes
for near half a century together, there shall be very little
wit or judgment either to be seen or heard of amongst us: —
the small channels of them shall seem quite dried up — then
all of a sudden the sluices shall break out, and take a fit of
running again like fury — you would think they would never
stop: — and then it is, that in writing, and fighting, and
twenty other gallant things, we drive all the world before
us.
It is by these observations, and a wary reasoning by
analogy in that kind of argumentative process, which Suidas
calls dialectic induction — that I draw and set up this posi-
tion as most true and veritable;
That of these two luminaries so much of their irradiations
are suflFered from time to time to shine down upon us, as he,
whose infinite wisdom which dispenses every thing in exact
weight and measure, knows will just serve to light us on
our way in this night of our obscurity; so that your rever-
ences and worships now find out, nor is it a moment longer
in my power to conceal it from you. That the fervent wish
in your behalf with which I set out, was no more than the
first insinuating How d'ye of a caressing prefacer, stifling
his reader, as a lover sometimes does a coy mistress, into
silence. For alas! could this effusion of light have been as
easily procured, as the exordium wished it — I tremble to
think how many thousands for it, of benighted travellers
(in the learned sciences at least) must have groped and
blundered on in the dark, all the nights of their lives —
running their heads against posts, and knocking out their
brains without ever getting to their journies' end; — some
falling with their noses perpendicularly into sinks — other
176 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
horizontally with their tails into kennels. Here one half of
a learned profession tilting full butt against the other half
of it, and then tumbling and rolling one over the other in
the dirt like hogs. — Here the brethren of another profession,
who should have run in opposition to each other, flying on
contrary like a flock of wild geese, all in a row the same way.
— What confusion! — what mistakes! — fiddlers and painters
judging by their eyes and ears — admirable! — trusting to
the passions excited — in an air sung, or a story painted to
the heart — instead of measuring them by a quadrant.
In the fore-ground of this picture, a statesman turning
the political wheel, like a brute, the wrong way round —
against the stream of corruption — by Heaven! — instead of
with it.
In this corner, a son of the divine Esculapius, writing a
book against predestination; perhaps worse — feeling his
patient's pulse, instead of his apothecary's — a brother of the
faculty in the back-ground upon his knees in tears — drawing
the curtains of a mangled victim to beg his forgiveness; —
offering a fee — instead of taking one.
In that spacious Hall, a coalition of the gown, from all
the bars of it, driving a damned, dirty, vexatious cause before
them, with all their might and main, the wrong way! —
kicking it out of the great doors, instead of, in — and with
such fury in their looks, and such a degree of inveteracy in
their manner of kicking it, as if the laws had been originally
made for the peace and preservation of mankind: — perhaps
a more enormous mistake committed by them still — a liti-
gated point fairly hung up; — for instance, Whether John
o'Nokes his nose could stand in Tom o'Stiles his face, with-
out a trespass, or not — rashly determined by them in five-
and-twcnty minutes, which, with the cautious pros and cons
required in so intricate a proceeding, might have taken up as
many months — and if carried on upon a military plan, as
your honours know an Action should be, with all the strata-
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDV 177
gems practicable therein, — such as feints, — forced marches,
— surprises — ambuscades — mask-batteries, and a thousand
other strokes of generalship, which consist in catching at all
advantages on both sides — might reasonably have lasted them
as many years, finding food and raiment all that term for a
centumvirate of the profession.
As for the clergy — No — if I say a word against them,
I'll be shot. — I have no desire; — and besides, if I had — I
durst not for my soul touch upon the subject — with such
weak nerves and spirits, and in the condition I am in at
present, 'twould be as much as my life was worth, to deject
and contrist myself with so bad and melancholy an account
— and therefore 'tis safer to draw a curtain across, and
hasten from it, as fast as I can, to the main and principal
point I have undertaken to clear up — and that is. How it
comes to pass, that your men of least wit are reported to be
men of most judgment. — But mark — I say, reported to be —
for it is no more, my dear sirs, than a report, and which,
like twenty others taken up every day upon trust, I maintain
to be a vile and a malicious report into the bargain.
This by the help of the observation already premised, and
I hop>e already weighed and perpended by your reverences
and worships, I shall forthwith make appear.
I hate set dissertations — and above all things in the world,
'tis one of the silliest things in one of them, to darken your
hypothesis by placing a number of tall, opaque words, one
before another, in a right line, betwixt your own and your
reader's conception — when in all likelihood, if vou had
looked about, you might have seen something standing, or
hanging up, which would have cleared the point at once —
"for what hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the laudable desire
of knowledge bring to any man, if even from a sot, a pot,
a fool, a stool, a winter-mitten, a truckle for a pully, the
lid of a gold-smith's crucible, an oil bottle, an old slipper,
or a cane chairr" — I am this moment sitting upon one.
lyS TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
Will you give me leave to illustrate this affair of wit and
judgment, by the two knobs, on the top of the back of it? — •
they are fastened on, you see, with two pegs stuck slightly
into two gimlet-holes, and will place what I have to say in
so clear a light, as to let you see through the drift and mean-
ing of my whole preface, as* plainly as if every point and
particle of it was made up of sun-beams.
I now enter directly upon the point,
' — Here stands Wit — and there stands Judgment, close
beside it, just like the two knobs I'm speaking of, upon the
bacK of this self-same chair on which I am sitting.
— You see they are the highest and most ornamental
parts of its frame — as wit and judgment are of ours — and
like them too, indubitably both made and fitted to go to-
gether, in order, as we say in all such cases of duplicated
embellishments — to answer one another.
\ow for the sake of an experiment, and for the clearer
illustrating this matter — let us for a moment take off one
of these two curious ornaments (I care not which) from the
point or pinnacle of the chair it now stands on — nay, don't
laugh at it, — but did you ever see, in the whole course of
your lives, such a ridiculous business as this has made of it?
— Why, 'tis as miserable a sight as a sow with one ear; and
there is just as much sense and symmetry in the one as in
the other: — do — pray, get off" your seats only to take a view
of it. — Now would any man who valued his character a
straw, have turned a piece of v/ork out of his hand in such a
condition? — nay, lay your hands upon your hearts, and
answer this plain question. Whether this one single knob,
which now stands here like a blockhead by itself, can serve
any purpose upon earth, but to put one in mind of the want
of the other? — and let me further ask, in case the chair was
)our own, if you would not in your conscience think, rather
than be as it is, that it would be ten times better without any
knob at all.
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY 179
Now these two knobs — or top ornaments of the mind of
man, which crown the whole entablature — being, as I said,
wit and judgment, which of all others, as I have proved it,
are the most needful — the most prized — the* most calami-
tous to be without, and consequently the hardest to come at
— for all these reasons put together, there is not a mortal
among us, so destitute of a love of good fame or feeding —
or so ignorant of what will do him good therein — who does
not wish. and stedfastly resolve in his own mind, to be, or to
be thought at least, master of the one or the other, and in-
deed of both of them, if the thing- seems anyway feasible,
or likely to be brought to pass.
Now your graver gentry having little or no kind of
chance in aiming at the one — unless they laid hold of the
other, — pray what do you think would become of them? —
Why, Sirs, in spite of all their gravities, they must e'en have
been contented to have gone with their insides naked — this
was not to be borne, but by an effort of philosophy not to be
supposed in the case- we are upon — so that no one could well
have been angry with them, had they been satisfied with what
little they could have snatched up and secreted under their
cloaks and great perriwigs, had they not raised a hue and
cr)' at the same time against the lawful owners.
I need not tell your worships, that this was done with so
much cunning and artifice — that the great Locke, who was
seldom outwitted by false sounds — was nevertheless bubbled
here. The cry, it seems, was so deep and solemn a one, and
what with the help of great wigs, grave faces, and other
implements of deceit, was rendered so general a one against
the poor wits in this matter, that the philosopher himself was
deceived by it — it was his glory to free the world from the
lumber of a thousand vulgar errors; — but this was not of
the number; so that instead of sitting down coolly, as such
a philosopher should have done, to have examined the matter
of fact before he philosophized upon it — on the contrary' he
i8o TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
too]^ the fact for granted, and so joined in with the cry, and
halooid it as boisterously as the rest.
Thi: has been made the Magna Charta of stupidity ever
ftince — but your reverences plainly see, it has been obtained
in such a manner, that the title to it is not worth a groat: —
which by the bye is one of the many and vile impositions
which gravity and grave, folks have to answer for here-
after.
As for great wigs, upon which I may be thought to have
spoken my mind too freely — I beg leave to qualify whatever
has been unguardedly said to their dispraise or prejudice, by
one general declaration — That I have no abhorrence what-
ever, nor do I detest and abjure ether great wigs or long
beards, any farther thaii when I see they are bespoke and let
grow on purpose to carry on this self-same imposture — for
any purpose — peace be with them! — '^^ mark only — I
write not for them.
Chapter 21
Every day for at least ten years together did my father re-
solve to ha^'c it mended — 'tis not mended yet; — no family
but ours would have borne with it an hour — and what is
most astonishing, there was not a subject in the world upon
which my father was so eloquent, as upon that of door-
hinges. — And yet at the same time, he was certainly one of
the greatest bubbles to them, I think, that history can pro-
duce: his rhetoric and conduct were at perpetual handy-cuifs.
— Never did the parlour-door open — but his philosophy or
his principles fell a victim to it; — three drops of oil with a
feather, and a smart stroke of a hammer, had saved his
honour for ever.
— Inconsistent soul that man is! — languishing under
wounds, which he has the power to heal! — his whole life a
contradiction to his knowledge! — his reason, that precious
gift of God to him — (instead of pouring in oil) serving but
CHAP. 22 TRISTRAM SHANDY i8i
to sharpen his sensibilities — to multiply his pains, and render
him more melancholy and uneasy under them! — Poor un-
happy creature, that he should do so! — Are not the neces-
sary causes of misery in this life enow, but he must add
voluntary ones to his stock of sorrow; — -struggle against
evils which cannot be avoided, and submit to others, which
a tenth part of the trouble they create him would remove
from his heart for ever?
By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops
of oil to be got, and a hammer to be found withiii ten miles
of Shandy Hall — the parlour door hinge shall be mended
this reign.
Chapter 2 2
When Corporal Trim had brought his two mortars to bear,
he was delighted with his handy-work beyond measure; and
knowing what a pleasure it would be to his master to see
them, he was not able to resist the desire he had of carrying
them directly into his parlour.
Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mention-
ing the affair of hinges, I had a speculative consideration
arising out of it, and it is this.
Had the parlour door opened and turned upon its hinges,
as a door should do —
Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been
turning upon its hinges — (that is, in case things have all
along gone well with your worship, — otherwise I give up
my simile) — in this case, I say, there had been no danger
cither to master or man, in Corporal Trim's peeping in: the
moment he had beheld my father and my uncle Toby fast
asleep — the respectfulness of his carriage was such, he would
have retired as silent as death, and left them both in their
arm-chairs, dreaming as happy as he had found them: but
the thing was. morally speaking, so very impracticable, that
for the many years in which this hinge was suffered to be
i82 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
out of order, and amongst the hourly grievances my father
submitted to upon its account — this was one; that he never
folded his arms to take his nap after dinner, but the thoughts
of being unavoidably awakened by the first person who
should open the door, was always uppermost in his imagina-
tion, and so incessantly stepped in betwixt him and the first
balmy presage of his repose, as to rob him, as he often de-
clared, of the whole sweets of it.
"When things move upon bad hinges, an' please your
lordships, how can it be otherwise?"
Pray what's the matter? Who is there? cried my father,
waking, the moment the door began to creak. — I wish the
smith would give a peep at that confounded hinge. — 'Tis
nothing, an' please your honour, said Trim, but two mortars
I am bringing in. — They shan't make a clatter with them
here, cried my father hastily. — If Dr. Slop has any drugs
to pound, let him do it in the kitchen. — May it please your
honour, cried Trim, they are two mortar-pieces for a siege
next summer, which I have been making out of a pair of
jack-boots, which Obadiah told me your honour had left oft"
wearing. — By Heaven! cried my father, springing out of
his chair, as he swore — I have not one appointment belong-
ing to me, which I set so much store by as I do by these
jack-boots — they were our great grandfather's, brother Toby
— they were hereditary. Then I fear, quoth my uncle
Toby, Trim has cut oflF the entail. — I have only cut ofiF the
tops, an' please your honour, cried Trim — I hate perpetuities
as much as any man alive, cried my father — but these jack-
boots, continued he (smiling, though very angry at the same
time) have been in the family, brother, ever since the civil
wars; — Sir Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of
Marston-Moor. — I declare I would not have taken ten
pounds for them. — I'll pay you the money, brother Shandy,
quoth my uncle Toby, looking at the two mortars with
infinite pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches
CHAP. 23 TRISTRAM SHANDY 183
pocket as he viewed them — I'll pay V<>ii the ten pounds this
moment with all my heart and soul. —
Brother Toh\ , replied my father, altering his tone, you
care not what money you dissipate and throw away, provided,
continued he, 'tis hut upon a siege. — Have I not one hundred
and twenty pounds a year, besides my half pay? cried my
uncle Toby. — What is that — replied my father hastily — to
ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots? — twelve guineas for
your pontoons? — half as much for your Dutch draw-
bridge? — to say nothing of the train of little brass artillery
you bespoke last week, with twenty other preparations for
the siege of Messina: believe me, dear brother Toby, con-
tinued my father, taking him kindly by the hand — these
military operations of yours are above your strength; — you
mean well, brother — but they carry you into greater expenses
than you were first aware of; — and take my word, dear
Toby, they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, and
make a beggar of you. — What signifies it if they do, brother,
replied my uncle Toby, so long as we know 'tis for the good
of the nation? —
My father could not help smiling for his soul — his anger
at the worst was never more than a spark; — and the zeal
and simplicity of Trim — and the generous (though hobby-
horsical) gallantry of my uncle Toby, brought him into
perfect good luimour with them in an instant.
Generous souls! — God prosper you both, and your mor-
tar-pieces too! quoth my father to himself.
Chapter 25
All is quiet and hush, cried my father, at least above stairs
— I hear not one foot stirring. — Prithee, Trim, who's in
the kitchen? There is no one soul in the kitchen, answered
Trim, making a low bow as he spoke, except Dr. Slop. —
Confusion! cried my father (getting up upon his legs a
second time) — not one single thing has gone right this day!
1 84 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
had I faith in astrology, brother (which, by the bye, my
father had) I would have sworn some retrograde planet was
hanging over this unfortunate house of mine, — and turning
every individual thing in it out of its place. — Why, I
thought Dr. Slop had been above stairs with my wife, and
so said you. — What can the fellow be puzzling about in
the kitchen! — He is busy, an' please your honour, replied
Trim, in making a bridge. — 'Tis very obliging in him, quoth
my uncle Toby: — pray, give my humble service to Dr. Slop,
Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily.
You must know, my uncle Toby mistook the bridge — as
widely as my father mistook the mortars; — but to under-
stand how my uncle Toby could mistake the bridge — I fear
I must give you an exact account of the road which led to it;
— or to drop my metaphor (for there is nothing more dis-
honest in an historian than the use of one) — in order to
conceive the probability of this error in my uncle Toby
aright, I must give you some account of an adventure of
Trim's, though much against my will, I say much against
my will, only because the story, in one sense, is certainly out
of its place here; for by right it should come in, either
amongst the anecdotes of my uncle Toby's amours with
widow Wadman, in which Corporal Trim was no mean
actor — or else in the middle of his and my uncle Toby's
campaigns on the bowling-green — for it will do very well
in cither place; — but then if I reserve it for either of those
parts of my story — I ruin the story I'm upon; — and if I
tell it here — I anticipate matters, and ruin it there.
— What would your worships have me do in this case?
— Tell it, Mr. Shandy, by all means. — You are a fool,
Tristram, if you do.
O ye Powers! (for powers ye are, and great ones too) —
which enable mortal man to tell a story worth the hearing
— that kindly shew him, where he is to begin it — and where
he is to end it — what he is to put into it — and what he is to
CHAP. 24 TRISTRAM SHANDY 185
leave out — how much of it he is to cast into a shade — and
whereabouts he is to throw his light! — "^'e, who preside over
this vast empire of biographical freebooters, and see how
manv scrapes and plunges your subjects hourly fall into; —
will vou do one thing?
I beg and beseech you \^m case you will do nothing better
for us) that wherever in any part of your dominions it so
falls out, that three several roads meet in one point, as they
have done just there — that at least you set up a guide-post
in the centre of them, in mere charity, to direct an uncertain
devil which of the three he is to take.
Chapter 24
Tho' the shock my uncle Toby received the year after the
demolition of Dunkirk, in his affair with widow Wadman,
had fixed him in a resolution never more to think of the sex
— or of aught which belonged to it; — yet Corporal Trim
had made no such bargain with himself. Indeed in mv
uncle Toby's case there was a strange and unaccountable
concurrence of circumstances, which insensiblv drew him
in, to lay siege to that fair and strong citadel. — In Trim's
case there was a concurrence of nothing in the world, but
of him and Bridget 'u\ the kitchen; — though in truth, the
love and veneration he bore his master was such, and so
fond was he of imitating him in all he did, that had my
uncle Toby employed his time and genius in tagging of
p>oints — I am persuaded the honest corporal would have laid
down his arms, and followed his example with pleasure.
W'hen therefore my uncle Toby sat down before the mistress
— Corporal Trim incontinently took ground before the maid.
Now, my dear friend Garrick, whom I have so much
cause to esteem and honour — (whv, or wherefore, 'tis no
matter) — can it escape your penetration — I defy it — that
so many playwrights, and opiHccrs of chit-chat have ever
since been working upon Trim's and my uncle Toby's pat-
i86 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
tern. — I care not what Aristotle, or Pacuvius, or Bossu, or
Ricaboni say — (though I never read one of them) — there
is not a greater difference between a single-horse chair and
madam Pompadour's vis-a-vis; than betwixt a single amour,
and an amour thus nobly doubled, and going upon all four,
prancing throughout a grand drama — Sir, a simple, single,
silly affair of that kind — is quite lost in five acts; — but that
is neither here nor there.
After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine
months on my uncle Toby's quarter, a most minute account
of every particular of which shall be given in its proper
place, my uncle Toby, ht)ncst man! found it necessary to
draw off his forces and raise the siege somewhat indignantly.
Corporal Trim, as I said, had made no such bargain either
with himself — or with any one else — the fidelity however
of his heart not suffering him to go into a house which his
master had forsaken with disgust — he contented himself
with turning his part of the siege into a blockade; — that is,
he kept others off; — for. though he never after went to the
house, yet he never met Bridget in the village, but he would
either nod or wink, or smile, or look kindly at her — or (as
circumstances directed ) he would shake her bv the hand — or
ask her lovingly how she did — or would give her a ribbon —
and now-and-then, though never but when it could be done
with decorum, would give Bridget a —
Precisely in this situation, did these things stand for five
years; that is, from the demolition of Dunkirk in the year
13, to the latter end of my uncle Toby's campaign in the
year 1 8, which was about six or seven weeks before the time
I'm speaking of. — When Trim, as his custom was, after he
had put my uncle Toby to bed, going down one moonshiny
night to see that every thing was right at his fortifications —
in the lane separated from the bowling-green with flowering
shrubs and holly — he espied his Bridget.
As the Corporal thought there was nothing in the world
CHAP. 24 TRISTRAM SHANDY 187
so well worth shewing as the glorious works which he and
my uncle Toby had made, Trim courteously and gallantly
took her by the hand, and led her in: this was not done so
privately, but that the foul-mouthed trumpet of Fame car-
ried it from ear to ear, till at length it reached my father's,
with this untoward circumstance along with it, that my
uncle Toby's curious drawbridge, constructed and painted
after the Dutch fashion, and which went quite across the
ditch — was broke down, and somehow or other crushed all
to pieces that very night.
My father, as you have observed, had no great esteem for
my uncle Tobv's hobby-horse, he thought it the most ridicu-
lous horse that ever gentleman mounted; and indeed unless
my uncle Toby vexed him about it, could never think of it
once, without smiling at it — so that it could never get lame
or happen any mischance, but it tickled my father's imagina-
tion beyond measure; for this being an accident much more
to his humour than any one which had yet befallen it, it
proved an inexhaustible fund of entertainment to him. —
Well — but dear Toby! my father would say, do tell me
seriously how this affair of the bridge happened. — How can
you tease me so much about it: my uncle Toby would reply
— I have told it you twenty times, word for word as Trim
told it me. — Prithee, hcnv was it then. Corporal? my father
would cry, turning to Trim. — It was a mere misfortune, an'
please your honour; — I was shewing Mrs. Bridget our forti-
fications, and in going too near the edge of the fosse, I
unfortunately slipped in — Very well. Trim! my father
would cry — (smiling m\stcriously, and giving a nod — but
without interrupting him) — and being linked fast, an' please
your honour, arm in arm with Mrs. liridgct, I dragged her
after me, by means of which she fell backwards soss against
the bridge — and Trim's foot (my uncle Toby would cry,
taking the story out of his mouth) getting into the curvette,
he tumbled full aeainst the bridtrc too. — It was a thousand
i88 TRISTRAM SHANDY book m
to one, my uncle Toby would add, that the poor fellow did
not break his leg. — Ay truly, my father would say — a limb
is soon broke, brother Toby, in such encounters. — And so,
an' please your honour, the bridge, which your honour knows
was a very slight one, was broke down betwixt us, and
splintered all to pieces.
At other times, but especially when my uncle Toby was
so unfortunate as to say a syllable about cannons, bombs, or
petards — my father would exhaust all the stores of his elo-
quence (which indeed were very great) in a panegyric upon
the battering rams of the ancients — the vinea which Alex-
ander made use of at the siege of Troy. — He would tell my
uncle Toby of the catapultae of the Syrians, which threw
such monstrous stones so many hundred feet, and shook the
strongest bulwarks from their very foundation: — he would
go on and describe the wonderful mechanism of the ballista
which Marcellinus makes so much rout about! — the terrible
effects of the pyroboli, which cast fire; — the danger of the
terebra and scorpio, which cast javelins. — But what are these,
would he say, to the destructive machinery of Corporal
Trim? — Believe me, brother Toby, no bridge, or bastion, or
sally-port, that ever was constructed in this world, can hold
out against such artillery.
My uncle Toby would never attempt any defence against
the force of this ridicule, but that of redoubling the vehe-
mence of smoking his pipe; in doing which, he raised so
dense a vapour one night after supper, that it set my father,
who was a little phthisical, into a suffocating fit of violent
coughing: my uncle Toby leaped up without feeling the
^y\n upon his groin — and, with infinite pity, stood beside
his brother's chair, tapping his back with one hand, and
holding his head with the other, and from time to time
wiping his eyes with a clean cambric handkerchief, which
he pulled out of his pocket. — The afl-"ectionate and endear-
ing manner in which my uncle Toby did these little offices
CHAP. 25 I'RIS'I'RAM SHANDY 189
cut my father thro' his reins, for the pain he had just been
giving him. — May my brains be knocked out with a bat-
tering-ram or a catapulta, I care not which, quoth my father
to himself — if ever I insult this worthy soul more!
Chapter 25
The draw-bridge being held irreparable, Trim was ordered
directly to set about another — but not upon the same model:
for cardinal Alberoni's intrigues at that time being discov-
ered, and my uncle Toby rightly foreseeing that a flame
would inevitably break out betwixt Spain and the Empire,
and that the operations of the ensuing campaign must in all
likelihood be either in Naples or Sicily — he determined upon
an Italian bridge — (my uncle Toby, by the bye, was not far
out of his conjectures) — but my father, who was infinitely
the better politician, and took the lead as far of my uncle
Toby in the cabinet, as my uncle Toby took it of him in the
field — convinced him, that if the king of Spain and the
Emperor went together by the ears, England and France
and Holland must, by force of their pre-engagements, all
enter the lists too; — and if so, he would say, the combatants,
brother Toby, as sure as we are alive, will fall to it again,
pell-mell, upon the old prize-fighting stage of Flanders; —
then what will you do with your Italian bridge?
— We will go on with it then upon the old model, cried
my uncle Toby.
When Corporal Trim had about half finished it in that
style — mv uncle Toby found out a capital defect in it,
which he had never thoroughly considered before. It turned,
it seems, upon hinges at both ends of it, opening in the
middle, one half of which turning to one side of the fosse,
and the other to the other; the advantage of which was this,
that by dividing the weight of the bridge into two equal
portions, it empowered my uncle Toby to raise it up or let
it down with the end of his crutch, and with one hand, which
190 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
as his garrison was weak, was as much as he could well spare
— but the disadvantages of such a construction were in-
surmountable; — for by this means, he would say, I leave
one half of my bridge in my enemy's possession — and pray
of what use is the other?
The natural remedy for this was, no doubt, to have his
bridge fast only at one end with hinges, so that the whole
might be lifted up together, and stand bolt upright — but
that was rejected for the reason given above.
For a whole week after he was determined in his mind
to have one of that particular construction which is made to
draw back horizontally, to hinder a passage; and to thrust
forwards again to gain a passage — of which sorts your wor-
ship might have seen three famous ones at Spires before its
destruction — and one now at Brisac, if I mistake not; —
but my father advising my uncle Toby, with great earnest-
ness, to have nothing more to do with thrusting bridges —
and my uncle foreseeing moreover that it would but per-
petuate the memory of the Corporal's misfortune — he
changed his mind for that of the marquis d'Hopital's in-
vention, which the younger Bernouilli has so well and
learnedly described, as your worships may see — Act. Enid.
Lips. an. 1695 — to these a lead weight is an eternal balance,
and keeps watch as well as a couple of sentinels, inasmuch as
the construction of them was a curve line approximating to
a cycloid — if not a cycloid itself.
My uncle Toby understood the nature of a parabola as
well as any man in England — but was not quite such a mas-
ter of the cycloid; — he talked however about it every day —
the bridge went not forwards. — We'll ask somebody about
it, cried my uncle Toby to Trim.
Chapter 26
When Trim came in and told my father, that Dr. Slop was
in the kitchen, and busy in making a bridge — my uncle Toby
CHAP.28 I'RISTRAM SHANDY 191
— the affair of the jack-hoots having just then raised a train
of military ideas in his hrain — took it instantly for granted
that Dr. Slop was making a model of the marquis d'Hopital's
bridge. — 'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby;
— pray give my humble service to Dr. Slop, Trim, and tell
him I thank him heartily.
Had mv uncle Toby's head been a Savoyard's box, and
my father peeping in all the time at one end of it — it could
not have given him a more distinct conception of the opera-
tioas of my uncle Toby's imagination, than what he had;
so, notwithstanding the catapulta and battering-ram, and his
bitter imprecation about them, he was just beginning to
triumph —
When Trim's answer, in an instant, tore the laurel from
his brows, and twisted it to pieces.
Chafter 2 J
— This unfortunate draw-bridge of yours, quoth my father
— God bless your honour, cried Trim, 'tis a bridge for mas-
ter's nose. — In bringing him into the world with his vile
instruments, he has crushed his nose, Susannah says, as flat
as a pancake to his face, and he is making a false bridge
with a piece of cotton and a thin piece of whalebone out of
Susannah's stays, to raise it up.
— Lead me, brother Toby, cried my father, to my room
this instant.
Chapter 28
From this first moment I sat down to write my life for the
amusement of the world, and my opinions for its instruction,
has a cloud insensibly been gathering over my father. — A
tide of little evils and distresses has been setting in against
him. — Not one thing, as he observed himself, h.-is gone right:
and now is the storm thickened and going to break, and p>our
down full upon his head.
192 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
I enter upon this part of my story in the most pensive
and melancholy frame of mind that ever sympathetic breast
was touched with, — My nerves relax as I tell it. — Every line
I write, I feel an abatement of the quickness of my pulse,
and of that careless alacrity with it, which every day of my
life prompts me to say and write a thousand things I should
not — And this moment that I last dipped my pen into my
ink, I could not help taking notice what a cautious air of sad
composure and solemnity there appeared in my manner of
doing it. — Lord! how different from the rash jerks and
hair-brained squirts thou art wont, Tristram, to transact it
with in other humours — dropping thy pen — spurting thy
ink about thy table and thy books — as if thy pen and thy
ink, thy books and furniture cost thee nothing.
Chaffer 29
I won't go about to argue the point with you — 'tis so — and
I am persuaded of it, madam, as much as can be, "That
both man and woman bear pain or sorrow (and, for aught I
know, pleasure too) best in a horizontal position."
The moment my father got up into his chamber, he tjirew
himself prostrate across his bed in the wildest disorder im-
aginable, but at the same time in the most lamentable attitude
of a man borne down with sorrows, that ever the eye of pity
dropped a tear for. — The palm of his right hand, as he fell
upon the bed, receiving his forehead, and covering the great-
est part of both his eyes, gently sunk down with his head
(his elbow giving way backwards) till his nose touched the
quilt; — his left arm hung insensible over the side of the bed,
his knuckles reclining upon the handle of the chamber-pot,
which peeped out beyond the valance — his right leg (his left
being drawn up towards his body) — hung half over the side
of the bed, the edge of it pressing upon his shin-bone — He
felt it not. A fixed, inflexible sorrow took possession of
CHAP. 30 TRISTRAM SHANDY 193
ever}' line of his face. — He sighed once — heaved his breast
often — but uttered not a word.
An old sct-stitched chair, valanced and fringed around
with party-coloured worsted bobs, stood at the bed's head,
opposite to the side where my father's head reclined. — My
uncle Toby sat him down in it.
Before an affliction is digested — consolation ever comes
too soon; — and after it is digested — it comes too late: so
that you see, madam, there is but a mark between these two,
as fine almost as a hair, for a comforter to take aim at: my
uncle Toby w.as always either on this side, or on that of it,
and would often say, he believed in his heart he could as
soon hit the longitude; for this reason, when he sat down
in the chair, he drew the curtain a little forwards, and
having a tear at every one's service — he pulled out a cam-
bric handkerchief — gave a low sigh — but held his peace.
Chaffer 50
— "All is not gain that is got into the purse." — So that not-
withstanding my father had the happiness of reading thf
oddest books in the universe, and had moreover, in himself,
the oddest way of thinking that ever man in it was blessed
with, yet it had this drawback upon him after all — that it
laid him open to some of the oddest and most whimsical
distresses; of which this particular one, which he sunk
under at present, is as strong an example as can be given.
No doubt, the breaking down of the bridge of a child's
nose, by the edge of a pair of forceps — however scientifically
applied — would vex any man in the world, who was at so
much pains in begetting a child, as my father was — yet it
will not account for the extravagance of his affliction, nor
will it justify the unchristian manner he abandoned and
surrendered himself up to.
To explain this, I must leave him upon the bed for half
194 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
an hour — and mv uncle Toby in his old fringed chair sitting
beside him.
Chapter 5/
— I THINK it a ver\' unreasonable demand — cried my great-
grandfather, twisting up the paper, and throwing it upon the
table. — By this account, madam, you have but two thousand
pounds fortune, and not a shilling more — and you insist
upon having three hundred pounds a year jointure for it. —
— "Because," replied my great-grandmother, "you have
little or no nose, Sir." —
Now before I venture to make use of the word Nose a
second time— to avoid all confusion in what will be said
upon it, in this interesting part of my story, it may not be
amiss to explain my own meaning, and define, with all pos-
sible exactness and precision, what I would willingly be
understood to mean hv the term: being of opinion, that 'tis
owing to the negligence and perverseness of writers in de-
spising this precaution, and to nothing else — that all the
polemical writings in divinitv are not as clear and demon-
strative as those upon a Will o' the Wisp, or any other sound
part of philosophy, and natural pursuit; in order to which,
what have you to do, before you set out, unless you intend
to go puzzling on to the day of judgment — but to give the
world a good definition, and stand to it, of the main word
\\.)\i have most occasion for — changing it. Sir, as you would
a guinea, into small coin: — which done — let the father of
confusion puzzle you, if he can; or put a different idea
either into your head, or your reader's head, if he knows
how.
In books of strict morality and close reasoning, such as
this I am engaged in — the neglect is inexcusable; and
Heaven is witness, how the world has revenged itself upon
me for leaving so many openings to equivocal strictures —
CHAP. 32 TRISTRAM SHANDY 195
and for depending so much as I have done, all along, uf>on
the cleanliness of my readers' imaginations.
— Here are two senses, cried Eugcnius, as we walked
along, pointing with the fore finger of his right hand to the
word Crevice, in the one hundred and seventy-eighth page
of the first volume of this book of books; — here are two
senses — quoth he — And here are two roads, replied I, turn-
ing short upon him— a dirty and a clean one — which shall
we take.? — The clean, b)- all means, replied Eugenius.
Eugenius, said I, stepping before him, and laying my hand
upon his breast — to define — is to distrust. — Thus I tri-
umphed over Eugenius; but I triumphed over him as I
always do, like a fool. — 'Tis my comfort, however, I am
not an obstinate one: therefore
I define a nose as follows — intreating only beforehand,
and beseeching my readers, both male and female, of what
age, comple.xion, and condition soever, for the love of God
and their own souls, to guard against the temptations and
suggestions of the devil, and sufFer him by no art or wile
to put any other ideas into their minds, than what I put
into my definition — For by the word Nose, throughout all
this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my
work, where the word Nose occurs — I declare, by that word
I mean a nose, and nothing more, or less.
Chapter 52
— "Because," quoth my great-grandmother, repeating the
words again — "you have little or no nose. Sir." —
S'death! cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand
upon his nose, — 'tis not so small as that comes to; — 'tis a full
inch longer than my father's. — Now, my great-grand-
father's nose was for all the world like unto the noses of all
the men, women, and children, whom Pantagruel found
dwelling upon the island of Ennasin. — By the way, if you
would know the strange way of getting a-kin amongst so
196 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
flat-nosed a people — you must read the books; — find it out
yourself, you never can. —
— 'Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.
— 'Twas a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing
up the ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb; and
repeating his assertion — 'tis a full inch longer, madam, than
my father's — You must mean your uncle's, replied my great-
grandmother.
— My great-grandfather was convinced. — He untwisted
the paper, and signed the article.
Chapter 55
— What an unconscionable jointure, my dear, do we pay
out of this small estate of ours, quoth my grandmother to
my grandfather.
My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose,
my dear, saving the mark, than there is upon the back of
my hand.
— Now, you must know, that my great-grandmother out-
lived my grandfather twelve years; so that my father had
the jointure to pay, a hundred and fifty pounds half-yearly
— (on Michaelmas and Lady-day,) — during all that time.
No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better
grace than my father. — And as far as a hundred pounds
went, he would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea,
with that spirited jerk of an honest welcome, which gener-
ous souls, and generous souls only, are able to fling down
money: but as soon as ever he entered upon the odd fifty —
he generally gave a loud Hem! rubbed the side of his nose
leisurely with the flat part of his fore finger — inserted his
hand cautiously betwixt his head and the caul of his wig —
looked at both sides of every guinea as he parted with it —
and seldom could get to the end of the fifty pounds, without
pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples.
CHAP. 33 TRISTRAM SHANDY 197
Defend me, gracious Heaven! from those persecuting
spirits who make no allowances for these workijigs within
us. — Never — O never may I lay down in their tents, who
cannot relax the engine, and feel pity for the force of edu-
cation, and the prevalence of opinions long derived from
ancestors!
For three generations at least this tenet in favour of long
noses had gradually been taking root in our family. — Tra-
dition was all along on its side, and Interest was every half-
year stepping in to strengthen it; so that the whimsicality of
my father's brain was far from having the whole honour of
this, as it had of almost all his other strange notions. — For in
a great measure he might be said to have sucked this in with
his mother's milk. He did his part however. — If education
planted the mistake (in case it was one) my father watered
it, and ripened it to perfection.
He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon
the subject, that he did not conceive how the greatest family
in England could stand it out against an uninterrupted suc-
cession of six or seven short noses. — And for the contrary
reason, he would generally add. That it must be one of the
greatest problems in civil life, where the same number of
long and jolly noses, following one another in a direct line,
did not raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the
kingdom. — He would often boast that the Shandy family
ranked very high in King Harry the Vlllth's time, but owed
its rise to no state engine — he would say — but to that only;
— but that, like other families, he would add — it had felt
the turn of the wheel, and had never recovered the blow of
my great-grandfather's nose. — It was an ace of clubs indeed,
he would cry, shaking his head — and as vile a one for an
unfortunate familv as ever turned up trumps.
— Fair and softly, gentle reader! — where is thy fancy
carrying thee? — If there is truth in man, by my great-grand-
198 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
father's nose, I mean the external organ of smelling, or that
part of man which stands prominent in his face — and which
painters say, in good jolly noses and well-proportioned faces,
should comprehend a full third — that is, measured down-
wards from the setting on of the hair. —
— What a life of it has an author, at this pass!
Chapter ^4
It is a singular blessing, that nature has formed the mind of
man with the same happy backwardness and renitency against
conviction, which is observed in old dogs — "of not learning
new tricks."
What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philos-
opher that ever existed be whisked into at once, did he read
such books, and observe such facts, and think such thoughts,
as would eternally be making him change sides!
Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all
this — He picked up an opinion. Sir, as a man in a state of
nature picks up an apple. — It becomes his own — and if he
is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give
it up.
I am aware that Didius, the great civilian, will contest
this point; and cry out against me. Whence comes this man's
right to this apple? ex confessoy he will say — things were in
a state of nature — The apple, as much Frank's apple, as
John's. Pray, Mr. Shandy, what patent has he to shew
for it? and how did it begin to be his? was it, when he set
his heart upon it? or when he gathered it? or when he
chewed it? or when he roasted it? or when he peeled, or
when he brought it home? or when he digested? — or when
he — ? — for 'tis plain, Sir, if the first picking up of the
apple, made it not his — that no subsequent act could.
Brother Didius, Tribonius will answer — (now Tribonius
the civilian and church lawyer's beard being three inches and
a half and three eighths longer than Didius his beard — I'm
CHAP. 34 TRISTRAM SHANDY 199
glad he takes up the cudgels for nie, so I give myself no
farther trouble about the answer). — Brother Didius, Tribo-
nius will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it in the
fragments of Gregorius and Hermogenes's codes, and in all
the codes from Justinian's down to the codes of Louis and
Des Eaux — That the sweat of a man's brows, and the ex-
sudations of a man's brains, are as much a man's own
property as the breeches upon his backside; — which said
cxsudations, etc., being dropped upon the said apple by the
labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being moreover
indissolubly wasted, and as indissolublv annexed, by the
picker up, to the thing picked up, carried home, roasted,
peeled, eaten, digested, and so on; — 'tis evident that the
gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has mixed up something
which was his own, with the apple which was not his own,
by which means he has acquired a property; — or, in other
words, the apple is John's apple.
By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood
up for all his opinions; he had spared no pains in picking
them up, and the more they lay out of the common way, the
better still was his title. — No mortal claimed them; they
had cost him moreover as much labour in cooking and digest-
ing as in the case above, so that they might well and truly
be said to be of his own goods and chattels. — Accordingly
he held fast by 'cm, both by teeth and claws — would fly to
whatever he could lav his hands on — and, in a word, would
intrench and fortify them round with as many circumvalla-
tions and breast-works, as my uncle Toby would a citadel.
There was one plaguy rub in the way of this — the scarcity
of materials to make any thing of a defence with, in case
of a smart attack, inasmuch as few men of great genius had
exercised their parts in writing books upon the subject of
great noses: by the trotting of my lean horse, the thing is
incredible! and I am quite lost in my understanding, when I
200 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ui
am considering what a treasure of precious time and talents
together has been wasted upon worse subjects — and how
many millions of books in all languages, and in all pos-
sible types and bindings, have been fabricated upon points
not half so much tending to the unity and peace-making of
the world. What was to be had, however, he set the
greater store by; and though my father would of times sport
with my uncle Toby's library — which, by the bye, was
ridiculous enough — yet at the very same time he did it, he
collected every book and treatise which had been systemati-
cally wrote upon noses, with as much care as my honest
uncle Toby had done those upon military architecture. —
Tis true, a much less table would have held them — but that
was not thy transgression, my dear uncle. —
Here — but why here — rather than in any other part of
my story — I am not able to tell: — but here it is — my heart
stops me to pay to thee, my dear uncle Toby, once for all,
the tribute I owe thy goodness. — Here let me thrust my
chair aside, and kneel down upon the ground, whilst I am
pouring forth the warmest sentiment of love for thee, and
veneration for the excellency of thy character, that ever
virtue and nature kindled in a nephew's bosom. — Peace and
comfort rest for evermore upon thy head! — Thou enviedst
no man's comforts — insultedst no man's opinions — Thou
blackenedst no man's character — devouredst no man's bread:
gently, with faithful Trim behind thee, didst thou amble
round the little circle of thy pleasures, jostling no creature
in thy way: — for each one's sorrows, thou hadst a tear, — •
for each man's need, thou hadst a shilling.
Whilst I am worth one, to pay a weeder — thy path from
thy door to thy bowling-green shall never be grown up. —
Whilst there is a rood and a half of land in the Shandy
family, thy fortifications, my dear uncle Toby, shall never
1»; demolished.
CHAP. 35 TRISTRAM SHANDY 201
Chapter 35
Mv father's collection was not great, but to make amends,
it was curious; and consequently he was some time in mak-
ing it; he had the great good fortune however, to set off
well, in getting Bruscambille's prologue upon long noses,
almost for nothing — for he gave no more for Bruscambille
than three half-crowns; owing indeed to the strong fancy
which the stall-man saw my father had fur the book the
moment he laid his hands upon it. — There are not three
Bruscambillcs in Christendom — said the stall-man, except
what are chained up in the libraries of the curious. My
father flung down the monev as quick as lightning — took
Bruscambille into his bosom — hied home from Piccadilly to
Coleman Street with it, as he would have hied home with a
treasure, without taking his hand once off from Bruscambille
all the way.
To those who do not yet know of which gender Brus-
cambille is — inasmuch as a prologue upon long noses might
easily be done by either — 'twill be no objection against the
simile — to say. That when my father got home, he solaced
himself with Bruscambille after the manner in which, 'tis
ten to one, your worship solaced yourself with your first
mistress — that is, from morning even unto night: which,
by the bye, how delightful soever it may prove to the in-
amorato — is of little or no entertainment at all to by-
standers. — Take notice, I go no farther with the simile —
my father's eye was greater than his appetite — his zeal
greater than his knowledge — he cooled — his affections be-
came divided — he got hold of Prignitz — purchased Scrj-
derus, Andrea Paraeus, Bouchet's Evening Conferences,
and above all, the great and learned Hafen Slawkenbergius;
of which, as I shall have much to say by and bye — I will
say nothing now.
202 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
Chapter 56
Of all the tracts my father was at the pains to procure and
study in support of his hypothesis, there was not any one
wherein he felt a more cruel disappointment at first, than
in the celebrated dialogue between Pamphagus and Codes,
written by the chaste pen of the great and venerable Eras-
mus, upon the various uses and seasonable applications of
long noses. — Now don't let Satan, my dear girl, in this
chapter, take advantage of any one spot of rising ground
to get astride of your imagination, if you can any ways
help it; or if he is so nimble as to slip cox — let me beg of
you, like an unbacked filly, to frisk it, to squirt it, to jump
it, to rear it, to bound it — and to kick it, with long kicks
and short kicks, till, like Tickletoby's mare, you break a
strap or a crupper, and throw his worship into the dirt. —
You need not kill him. —
— And pray who was Tickletoby's mare? — 'tis just as
discreditable and unscholarlike a question. Sir, as to have
asked what year {ab urb. con.) the second Punic war broke
out. — Who was Tickletoby's mare? — Read, read, read,
read, my unlearned reader! read — or by the knowledge of
the great saint Paraleipomenon — I tell you before-hand, you
had better throw down the book at once; for without much
reading, by which your reverence knows I mean much
knowledge, you will no more be able to penetrate the moral
of the next marbled page (motley emblem of my work!)
than the world with all its sagacity has been able to unravel
the many opinions, transactions, and truths which still lie
mystically hid under the dark veil of the black one.
Chapter 57
"Nihil rue paenitet hujus nasi," quoth Pamphagus; — that is
— "My nose has been the making of me." — "Nee est cur
parniteat" replies Codes; that is, "How the deuce should
such a nose fail?"
^ii'^
V
<
CHAP. 37 TRISTRAM SHANDY 203
The doctrine, you sec, w.is laid dt<\\ n bv Erasmus, as my
father wished it, with the utmost plainness; but my father's
disappointment was, in finding nothing more from so able
a pen, but the bare fact itself; without any of that specula-
tive subtlety or ambidexterity of argumentation upon it,
which Heaven had bestowed upon man on purpose to in-
vestigate truth, and fight for her on all sides. — My father
pished and pughed at first most terribly — 'tis worth some-
thing to have a good name. As the dialogue was of Eras-
mus, my father soon came to himself, and read it over and
over again with great application, studying every word and
every syllable of it thro' and thro' in its most strict and
literal interpretation — he ccnild still make nothing of it,
that way. Mayhap there is more meant, than is said in it,
quoth my father. — Learned men, brother Toby, don't write
dialogues upon long noses for nothing. — I'll study the mystic
and the allegoric sense — here is some room to turn a man's
self in, brother.
My father read tm. —
Now I find it needful to inform your reverences and
worships, that besides the many nautical uses of long noses
enumerated by Erasmus, the dialogist affirmeth that a long
nose is not without its domestic conveniences also; for that
in a case of distress — and for want of a pair of bellows, it
will do excellently well, a,/ rxc'ttandum jocuni (to stir up
the fire).
Nature had been prodigal \\\ her gifts to my father be-
yond measure, and had sown the seeds of verbal criticism as
deep within him as she had done the seeds of all other knowl-
edge — so that he got out his penknife, and was trying ex-
periments upon the sentence, to see if he could not scratch
some better sense into it. — I've got within a single letter,
brother Toby, cried my father, of Erasmus his mystic mean-
ing. — "V'ou are near enough, brother, replied my uncle, \v
all conscience. — Pshaw! cried my father, scratchincr on — I
204 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
might as well be seven miles off. — I've done it — said my
father, snapping his fingers — See, my dear brother Toby,
how I have mended the sense. — But you have marred a
word, replied my uncle Toby. — My father put on his
spectacles — bit his lip — and tore out the leaf in a passion.
Chapter ^8
O Slawkenbergius! thou faithful analyzer of my Dis-
grazias — thou sad foreteller of so many of the whips and
short turns which in one stage or other of my life have come
slap upon me from the shortness of my nose, and no other
cause that I am conscious of. — Tell me, Slawkenbergius!
what secret impulse was it? what intonation of voice?
whence came it? how did it sound in thy ears? — art thou
sure thou heard'st it? — which first cried out to thee — go —
go, Slawkenbergius! dedicate the labours of thy life —
neglect thy pastimes — call forth all the powers and faculties
of thy nature — macerate thyself in the service of mankind,
and write a grand Folio for them, upon the subject of their
noses.
How the communication was conveyed into Slawken-
bergius's sensorium — so that Slawkenbergius should know
whose finger touched the key — and whose hand it was that
blew the bellows — as Ha fen Slawkenbergius has been dead
and laid in his grave about fourscore and ten years — we
can only raise conjectures.
Slawkenbergius was played upon, for aught I know, like
one of Whitefield's disciples — that is, with such a distinct
intelligence, Sir, of which of the two masters it was that
had been practising upon his instrument — as to make all
reasoning upon it needless.
— For in the account which Hafen Slawkenbergius gives
the world of his motives and occasions for writing, and
spending so many years of his life upon this one work —
towards the end of his prolegomena, which by the bye should
CHAP. 38 TRISTRAM SHANDY 205
have come first — but the hookbincicr has most injudiciously
placed it betwixt the analytical contents of the book, and
the book itself — he informs his reader, that ever since he
had arrived at the age of discernment, and was able to sit
down coolly, and consider within himself the true state and
condition of man, and distinguish the main end and design
of his being; — or — to shorten my translation, for Slawken-
bergius's book is in Latin, and not a little prolix in this
passage — ever since I understood, quoth Slawkcnbergius,
any thing — or rather what was what — and could perceive
that the point of long noses had been too loosely handled by
all who had gone before; — have I, Slawkcnbergius, felt a
strong impulse, with a mighty and unrcsistible call within
me, to gird up myself to this undertaking.
And to do justice to Slawkcnbergius, he has entered the
list with a stronger lance, and taken a much larger career in
it than any one man who had ever entered it before him —
and indeed, in many respects, deserves to be en-niched as a
prototype for all writers, of voluminous works at least, to
model their books by — for he h.as taken in. Sir, the whole
subject — examined every part of it dialectically — then
brought it into full day; dilucidating it with all the light
which either the collision of his own natural parts could
strike — or the profoundest knowledge of the sciences had
impowered him to cast upon it — collating, collecting, and
compiling — begging, borrowing, and stealing, as he went
along, all that had been wrote or wrangled thereupon in
the schools and porticos of the learned: so that Slawkcn-
bergius his book may properly be considered, not only as a
model — but as a thorough-stitched digest and reijular in-
stitute of noses, comprehending in it all that is or can be
needful to be known about them.
For this cause it is that I forbear to speak of so many
(otherwise) valuable books and treatises of my father's col-
lecting, wrote cither, plump upon noses — or collaterally
2o6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book in
touching them; — such for instance as Prignitz, now lying
upon the table before me, who with infinite learning, and
from the most candid and scliolar-likc examination of above
four thousand different skulls, in upwards of twenty charnel-
houses in Silesia, which he had rummaged — has informed
us, that the mensuration and configuration of the osseous or
bony parts of human noses, in any given tract of country,
except Crim Tartary, where they are all crushed down bv
the thumb, so that no judgment can be formed upon them —
are much nearer alike, than the world imagines; — the dif-
ference amongst them being, he says, a mere trifle, not
worth taking notice of; — but that the size and jollity of
every individual nose, and by which one nose ranks above
another, and bears a higher price, is owing to the cartilag-
inous and muscular parts of it, into whose ducts and sinuses
the blood and animal spirits being impelled and driven by
the warmth and force of the imagination, which is but a
step from it (bating the case of idiots, whom Prignitz, who
had lived many years in Turky, supposes under the more
immediate tutelage of Heaven) — it so happens, and ever
must, says Prignitz, that the excellency of the nose is in a
direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of the wear-
er's fancy.
It is for the same reason, that is, because 'tis all compre-
hended in Slawkenbergius, that I say nothing likewise of
Scroderus (Andrea) who, all the world knows, set himself
to oppugn Prignitz with great violence — proving it in his
own way, first logically, and then by a series of stubborn
facts, "That so far was Prignitz from the truth, in affirming
that the fancy begat the nose, that on the contrary — the
nose begat the fancy."
— The learned suspected Scroderus of an indecent
sophism in this — and Prignitz cried out aloud in the dispute,
that Scroderus had shifted the idea upon him — but Scro-
derus went on, maintaining his thesis.
CHAP. 38 TRISTRAM SHANDY 207
My father was just balancing within himself, which of
the two sides he should take in this affair; when Ambrose
Paracus decided it in a moment, and by overthrowing the
systems, both of Prignitz and Scroderus, drove my father
out of both sides of the controversy at once.
Be witness —
I don't acquaint the learned reader — in saying it, I men-
tion it only to shew the learned, I know the fact myself —
That this Ambrose Paraeus was chief surgeon and nose-
mender to Francis the Ninth of France, and in high credit
with him and the two preceding, or succeeding kings ( I
know not which) — and that, except in the slip he made in
his story of Taliacotius's noses, and his manner of setting
them on — he was esteemed by the whole college of physi-
cians at that time, as more knowing in matters of noses,
than any one who had ever taken them in hand.
Now Ambrose Paraeus convinced my father, that the
true and efficient cause of what had engaged so much the
attention of the world, and upon which Prignitz and
Scroderus had wasted so much learning and fine parts — was
neither this nor that — but that the length and goodness of
the nose was owing simply to the softness and flacciditv in
the nurse's breast — as the flatness and shortness of puisne
noses was to the firmness and clastic repulsion of the same
organ of nutrition in the hale and lively — which, tho' happy
for the woman, was the undoing of the child, inasmuch as
his nose was so snubbled, so rebuffed, so rebated, and so
refrigerated thereby, as never to arrive ad menmrarn suam
legitimam ; — but that in case of the flaccidity and softness of
the nurse or mother's breast — by sinking into it, quoth
Paraeus, as into so much butter, the nose was comforted,
nourished, plumped up, refreshed, refocillated, and set a
growing for ever.
I have but two things to observe of Paraeus; first. That
he proves and explains all this with the utmost chastity and
2o8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
decorum of expression: — for which may his soul for ever
rest in peace!
And, secondly, that besides the s}Stems of Prignitz and
Scroderus, which Ambrose Paraeus his hypothesis effectually
overthrew — it overthrew at the same time the system of
peace and liarmony of our family; and for three days to-
gether, not only embroiled matters between my father and
my mother, but turned likewise the whole house and every
thing in it, except my uncle Toby, quite upside down.
Such a ridiculous tale of a dispute between a man and his
wife, never surely in any age or country got vent through
the key-hole of a street-door.
My mother, you must know — but I have fifty things
more necessary to let you know first — I have a hundred
difficulties which I have promised to clear up, and a thou-
sand distresses and domestic misadventures crowding in upon
me thick and threefold, one upon the neck of another. A
cow broke in (to-morrow morning) to my uncle Toby's
fortifications, and cat up two rations and a half of dried
grass, tearing up the sods with it, which faced his horn-
work and covered-way. — Trim insists upon being tried by a
court-martial — the cow to be shot — Slop to be crucifixed —
myself to be tristramed and at my very baptism made a
martyr of; — poor unhappy devils that wc all are! — I want
swaddling — but there is no time to be lost in exclamations —
I have left my father lying across his bed, and my uncle
Toby in his old fringed chair, sitting beside him, and
promised 1 would go back to them in half an hour; and
five-and-thirty minutes are lapsed already. — Of all the
perplexities a mortal author was ever seen in — this cer-
tainly is the greatest, for I have Hafen Slawkenbergius's
folio. Sir, to finish — a dialogue between my father and my
uncle Toby, upon the solution of Prignitz, Scroderus, Am-
brose Paraeus, Ponocrates, and Grangousier to relate — a
CHAP. 39 TRISTRAM SHANDY 209
tale out of Slawkcnbcrgius to translate, and all this in five
minutes less than no time at all; — such a head! — would to
Heaven my enemies only saw the inside of it!
Chapter 59
There was not any one scene more entertaining in our
family — and to do it justice in this point; — and I here put
otf my cap and lay it upon the tabic close beside ni) ink-horn,
on purpose to make my declaration to the world concerning
this one article the more solemn — that I believe in my soul
(unless my love and partiality to my understanding blinds
me) the hand of the supreme Maker and first Designer of
all things never made or put a family together (in that period
at least of it which I have sat down to write the story of) —
where the characters of it were cast or contrasted with so
dramatic a felicity as ours was, for this end; or in which the
capacities of affording such exquisite scenes, and the powers
of shifting them perpetually from morning to night, were
lodged and intrusted with so unlimited a confidence, as in
the Shandy Family.
Not any one of these was more diverting, I say, in this
whimsical theatre of ours — than what frequently arose out
of this self-same chapter of long noses — especially when my
father's imagination was heated with the enquiry, and noth-
ing would serve him but to heat my uncle Toby's too.
My uncle Toby would give my father all possible fair
play in this attempt; and with infinite patience would sit
smoking his pipe for whole hours together, whilst my father
was practising '.inon his head, and trying every accessible
avenue to drive Prignitz and Scroderus's solutions into it.
Whether they were above my uncle Toby's reason — or
contrar)' to it — or that his brain was like damp timber, and
no spark could possibly take hold — or that it was so full
of saps, mines, blinds, curtins, and such military disqualifica-
tions to his seeing clearly into Prignitz and Scroderus's doc-
210 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
trines— I say not — let schoolmen — scullions, anatomists,
and engineers, fight for it among themselves —
'Twas some misfortune, I make no doubt, in this affair,
that my father had every word of it to translate for the
benefit of my uncle Toby, and render out of Slawken-
bergius's Latin, of which, as he was no great master, his
translation was not always of the purest — and generally
least so where 'twas most wanted. — This naturally opened
a door to a second misfortune;- — that in the warmer
paroxysms of his zeal to open my uncle Toby's eyes — my
father's ideas ran on as much faster than the translation, as
the translation outmoved my uncle Toby's — neither the one
nor the other added much to the perspicuity of my father's
lecture.
Chapter ^o
The gift of ratiocination and making syllogisms — I mean
in man — for in superior classes of beings, such as angels
and spirits — 'tis all done, may it please your worships, as
they tell me, by Intuition; — and beings inferior, as your
worships all know — syllogize by their noses: tliough there
is an island swimming in the sea (though not altogether at
its ease) whose inhabitants, if my intelligence deceives me
not, are so wonderfully gifted, as to syllogize after the same
fashion, and oft-times to make very well out too: — but that's
neither here nor there —
The gift of doing it as it should bo, amongst us, or — the
great and principal act of ratiocination in man, as logicians
tell us, is the finding out the agreement or disagreement of
two ideas one with another, by the intervention of a third
(called the med'tus terminus) ; just as a man, as Locke well
observes, by a yard, finds two men's ninepin-alleys to be of
the same length, which could not be brought together, to
measure their equality, by juxtaposition.
Had the same great reasoner looked on, as my father
CHAP. 41 TRISTRAM SHANDY 211
illustrated his systems of noses, and observed my uncle
Tobv's deportment — what great attention he gave to every
word — and as oft as he took his pipe from his mouth, with
what wonderful seriousness he contemplated the length of
it — surveying it transversely as he held it betwixt his finger
and his thumb — then fore-right — then this way, and then
that, in all its possible directions and foreshortenings — he
would have concluded my uncle Toby had got hold of the
medius terminus, and was syllogizing and measuring with
it the truth of each hypothesis of long noses, in order, as
mv father laid them before him. This, by the bye, was
more than mv father wanted — his aim in all the pains he
was at in these philosophic lectures — was to enable my uncle
Tobv not to discuss — but comprehend — to hold the grains
and scruples of learning — not to weigh them. — My uncle
Toby, as you will read in the next chapter, did neither
the one or the other.
Chapter ^i
'Tis a pitv, cried mv father one winter's night, after a three
hours' painful translation of Slawkenbergius — 'tis a pity,
cried my father, putting my mother's thread-paper into the
book for a mark, as he spoke — that truth, brother Toby,
should shut herself up in such impregnable fastnesses, and
be so obstinate as not to surrender herself sometimes upon
the closest siege. —
Now it happened then, as indeed it liad often done be-
fore, that my uncle Toby's fancy, during the time of my
father's explanation of Prignitz to him — having nothing
to stay it there, had taken a short flight to the bowling-
green; — his body might as well have taken a turn there
too — so that with all the semblance of a deep school-man
intent upon the medius terminus — my uncle Toby was in
fact as ignorant of the whole lecture, and all its pros and
cons, as if my father had been translating Hafen Slawken-
212 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
bergius from the Latin tongue into the Cherokee. But the
word "siege," like a talismanic power, in my father's meta-
phor, wafting back my uncle Toby's fancy, quick as a note
could follow the touch — he opened his ears — and my father
observing that he took his pipe out of liis mouth, and
shuffled his chair nearer the table, as with a desire to profit
— my father with great pleasure began his sentence again
— changing only the plan, and dropping the metaphor of the
siege of it, to keep clear of some dangers my father ap-
prehended from it.
'Tis a pity, said my father, that truth can only be on
one side, brother Toby — considering what ingenuity these
learned men have all shewn in their solutions of noses. —
Can noses be dissolved? replied my uncle Toby.
— My father thrust back his chair — rose up — put on his
hat — took four long strides to the door — jerked it open —
thrust his head half way out — shut the door again — took
no notice of the bad hinge — returned to the table — plucked
my mother's thread-paper out of Slawkenbergius's book —
went hastily to his bureau — walked slowly back — twisted
my mother's thread-paper about his thumb — unbuttoned
his waistcoat — threw my mother's thread-paper into the fire
— bit her satin pincushion in two, filled his mouth with
bran — confounded it; — but mark! — the oath of confusion
was levelled at my uncle Toby's brain — which was e'en
confused enough already — the curse came charged only
with the bran — the bran, may it please )our honours, was
no more than powder to the ball.
'Twas well my father's passions lasted not long; for so
long as they did last, they led him a busy life on't; and it is
one of the most unaccountable problems that ever I met
with in my observations of human nature, that nothing
should prove my father's mettle so much, or make his pas-
sions go ofF so like gunpowder, as the unexpected strokes his
science met with from the quaint simplicity of my uncle
CHAP. 41 TRISTRAM SHANDY 21
.â– >
Toby's questions. — Had ten dozen hornets stung him lie-
hind in so many different places all at one time — he could
not have exerted more mechanical functions in fewer sec-
onds — or started half so much, as with one single quaere
of three words unseasonably popping in full upon him in
his hobby-horsical career.
'Twas all one to my uncle Toby — he smoked his pipe on
with unvaried composure — his heart never intended offence
to his brother — and as his head could seldom find out where
the sting of it lay — he always gave my father the credit
of cooling by himself. — He was five minutes and thirty-
five seconds about it in the present case.
By all that's good! said my father, swearing, as he came
to himself, and taking the oath out of Ernulphus's digest of
curses — (though to do my father justice it was a fault
(as he told Dr. Slop in the affair of Ernulphus) which he
as seldom committed as any man upon earth) — By all that's
good and great! brother Toby, said my father, if it was not
for the aids of philosophy, which befriend one so much as
they do — you would put a man beside all temper. — Why,
by the solutions of noses, of which I was telling yon, I meant,
as you might have known, had you favoured me with one
grain of attention, the various accounts which learned men
of different kinds of knowledge have given the world of
the causes of the short and long noses. — There is no cause
but one, replied my uncle Toby — why one man's nose if
longer than another's, but because that God pleases to have
it so. — That is Grangousier's solution, said my father. — 'Tis
he, continued my uncle Toby, looking up, and not regarding
my father's interruption, who makes us all, and frames and
puts us together in such forms and proportions, and for
such ends, as is agreeable to his infinite wisdom. — 'Tis a
pious account, cried my father, but not philosophical — there
is more religion in it than sound science. 'Twas no incon-
sistent part of my uncle Toby's character — that he feared
214 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iii
God, and reverenced religion. — Su the moment my father
finished his remark — my uncle Toby fell a whistling Lilla-
bullero with more zeal (though more out of tune) than
usual. —
What is become of my wife's thread-paper?
Chaffer ^2
No matter — as an appendage to seamstressy, the thread-
paper might be of some consequence to my mother — of
none to my father, as a mark in Slawkenbergius, Slawken-
bergius in every page of him was a rich treasure of inex-
haustible knowledge to my father — he could not open him
amiss; and he would often say in closing the book, that if all
the arts and sciences in the world, with the books which
treated of them, were lost — should the wisdom and policies
of governments, he would say, through disuse, ever happen
to be forgot, and all that statesmen had wrote or caused
to be written, upon the strong or the weak sides of courts
and kingdoms, should they be forgot also — and Slawken-
bergius only left — there would be enough in him in all
conscience, he would say, to set the world a-going again. A
treasure therefore was he indeed! an institute of all that was
necesary to be known of noses, and every thing else — at
matin, noon, and vespers was Hafen Slawkenbergius his
recreation and delight: 'twas for ever in his hands — you
would have sworn, Sir, it had been a canon's prayer-book —
so worn, so glazed, so contrited and attrited was it with
fingers and with thumbs in all its parts, from one end even
unto the other.
I am not such a bigot to Slawkenbergius as my father; —
there is a fund in him, no doubt: but in my opinion, the best,
I don't say the most profitable, but the most amusing part
of Hafen Slawkenbergius, is his tales — and, considering he
was a German, many of them told not without fancy: —
these take up his second book, containing nearly one half
CHAP. 42 TRISTRAM SHANDY 215
of his folio, and are comprehended in ten decads, each decad
containing ten tales — Philosophy is not built upon tales;
and therefore 'twas certainly wrong in Slawkcnbcrgius to
send them into the world by that name! — there are a few
of them in his eighth, ninth, and tenth decads, which I own
seem rather playful and sportive, than speculative — but in
general they are to be looked upon by the learned as a detail
of so many independent facts, all of them turning round
somehow or other upon the main hinges of his subject, and
collected by him with great fidelity, and added to his work
as so many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses.
As we have leisure enough upon our hands — if you give
me leave, madam, I'll tell you the ninth tale of his tenth
decad.
BOOK IV
SLAWKENBERGII FABELLA ^
VESPERA qiiddnm frigidula^ fosteriori in farte mensis
Augusti, feregrlnnSy 7nulo fusco colore insidens, manttca a
tergOy fmic'is indusiis, h'tnis cnlceis, braccisque sericis coc-
cineis refletOy Argentoratum ingrrssus est.
Mlliti eum fercontantt, quum fortas intraret dixit, se afud
Nasorum ffotnontoritan ftiisse, Francofurtuni froficisci, et
Argentorattiniy transitu ad fines Sarmatiae fnensis intervallo,
reversuriim.
Miles feregrini in jaciem susfextt — Dl bant, nova forma
nasil
At rnultwn mihi frofuit, inquit feregrinus, carfum
amento extrahens, e quo fefendit acinaces: Loculo manum
inseruit, et magna cum urbanitate, ftlei farte anteriore tacta
manu sinistra, ut extendit dextram, miltti fiorinum dedit et
frocessit.
Dolet m,ihi, ait miles, tymfanistam nanum et vulgam alio-
quens, virum adeo tirbanum vaginam ferdidisse: itinerari
hand foterit nudd acinaci; neque vaginam toto Argentorato,
habileni inveniet. — NullaTn unquarn habui, resfondit fere-
grinus resficiens — seque comiter inclinans — hoc more gesto,
1 As Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nasis is extremely scarce, it may not
be unacceptable to the learned reader to see the specimen of a few
pages of his original; I will make no reflection upon it, but that
his story-telling Latin is much more concise than his philosophic —
and, I think, has more of Latinity in it.
216
BOOK IV
SLAWKENBERGIUS'S TALE
It was one cool refreshing evening, at the close of a very
sultry day, in the latter end of the month of August, when
a stranger, mounted upon a dark mule, with a small cloak-
bag behind him, containing a few shirts, a pair of shoes, and
a crimson-satin pair of breeches, entered the town of Stras-
burg.
He told the sentinel, who questioned him as he entered the
gates, that he had been at the Promontory of Noses — was
going on to Frankfort — and should be back again at Stras-
burg that day month, in his way to the borders of Grim
Tartary.
The sentinel looked up into the stranger's face — he never
saw such a Nose in his life!
— I have made a very good venture of it, quoth the
stranger — so slipping his wrist out of the loop of a black
ribbon, to which a short scimetar was hung, he put his hand
into his pocket, and with great courtesy touching the fore
part of his cap with his left hand, as he extended his right —
he put a florin into the sentinel's hand, and passed on.
It grieves me, said the sentinel, speaking to a little dwarf-
ish bandy-legged drummer, that so courteous a soul should
have lost his scabbard — he cannot travel without one to his
scimetar, and will not be able to get a scabbard to fit it in all
Strasburg. — I never had one, replied the stranger, looking
back to the sentinel, and putting his hand up to his cap as
he spoke — I carry it, continued he, thus — holding up his
naked scimetar, his mule moving on slowly all the time —
on purpose to defend mv nose.
217
2i8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
nudam ac'tnacem elevanSy niulo lento frogredientCy ut nasutn
tuert fossim.
Non immeritOy benigne feregriney resfondit miles.
Nih'tli aestimOy ait ille tymfanistay e fergamena factitius
est.
Prout christianus suniy inquit ?nileSy nasus ille, ni sextles
major sity meo esset conjorm,is.
Crcfitare audivi ait tymfanista.
Mehercule! sanguinem e?nisit, resfondit miles.
Miseret tney inquit tym-fanistay qui 7ion ambo tctigimusl
Eodem, temforis functOy quo haec res argumentata fuit
inter militem et tymfanistaniy disceptabatur ibidem tubicinc
et uxore sua qui tunc acccsserunty et feregrino fraetereuntCy
restiterunt.
Quantus nasus! acquc longus csty ait tubicinay ac tuba.
Et ex eodem vietalloy ait tubiceriy velut sternutamento
au
dias.
FantuTn abesty resfondit illay quod fistulam dulcedine
vincit.
Aeneus esty ait iubicen.
Nequaqua7fiy resfondit uxor.
Rursum afimOy ait tubiceny quod aeneus est.
Rem fenitus exflorabo ; friuSy enim digito tanganiy alt
uxor, quam dormivero.
Mulus feregrini gradu lento frogressus est, ut unum-
quodque verbum controversiaey non tantum inter militem et
tymfanistaniy verum etiam inter tubicinem et uxorem ejus,
audiret.
Nequaquamy ait illey in muli coIIutu fraena demittenSy et
manibus ambabus in fectus fositisy {mulo lente frogrediente)
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SH ANin' 219
It is well w(irth it, gentle stranger, replied the sentinel.
— 'Tis not worth a single stiver, said the handy-legged
drummer — 'tis a nose of parchment.
As I am a true catholic — except that it is six times as big
— 'tis a nose, said the sentinel, like my own.
— I heard it crackle, said the drummer.
By dunder, said the sentinel, I saw it bleed.
What a pity, cried the bandv-legged drummer, we did
not both touch it!
At the very time tliat this dispute was maintaining by the
sentinel and the drummer — was the same point debating be-
twixt a trumpeter and a trumpeter's wife, who were just
then coming up, and had stopped to see the stranger pass by.
Benedicity! — What a nose! 'tis as long, said the trum-
peter's wife, as a trumpet.
And of the same metal, said the trumpeter, as you hear
by its sneezing.
'Tis as soft as a flute, said she.
— 'Tis brass, said the trumpeter.
— 'Tis a pudding's end, said his wife.
I tell thee again, said the trumpeter, 'tis a brazen nose,
I'll know the bottom of it, said the trumpeter's wife, for
I will touch it with my finger before I sleep.
The stranger's mule moved on at so slow a rate, that he
heard every word of the dispute, not only betwixt the sentinel
and the drummer, but betwixt the trumpeter and trumpeter's
wife.
No! said he, dropping his reins upon his mule's neck, and
laying both his hands upon his breast, the one over the other,
in a saint-like position (his mule going on easily all the
time) — No! said he, looking up — I am not such a debtor to
the world — slandered and disappointed as I have been — as
to give it that conviction — no! said he, my nose shall never
be touched whilst Heaven gives me strength — To do what?
said a burgomaster's wife.
220 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
nequaquattiy ait ille rcsficiens, non tiecesse est ut res isthaec
dilucidata joret. Minhnc gcntluml /nens nasus nunqtiam
tangetuVy dum sfiritus hos re get artus — Ad quid agendum'^
ait uxor bur gomagistri.
Peregrinus illi non resfondit. Votuni jaciehat tunc tem-
foris sancto Nicolao; quo facto ^ in sinum dextrum inserenSy
e qua negligenter fefendit acinaceSy lento gradu frocessit fer
flatearn Arge?itorati latum quae ad diversorium temflo ex
adversum ducit.
Peregrinus 7nulo descendens stabulo includiy et manticaw
tnferri jussit: qua apertd et coccineis sericis femoralibus
extractis cum argenteo laciniato llepi^CijpauTe, his sese in-
duity statimquey acinaci in manuy ad jorum deambulavit.
Quod ubi feregrinus esset ingressusy uxorem tubicinis
obviam euntem asficit; iliico cursum flectity ^netuens ne
nasus suus exfloraretury atque ad diversorium regressus est —
exuit se vestibus ; brace as coccineas s eric as manticae im-
fosuit muluTnque educi jussit.
Francofurtum proficiscory ait illey et Argentoratum qua-
tuor abhinc hebdomadis revertar.
Bene curasti hoc jumentum,? {^it) muli faciern manu
demulcens — mey manticamque mearUy flus sexcentis mille
fassibus fortavit.
Longa via est! resfondet hosfeSy nisi plurimum esset ne-
goti. — Eni?nverOy ait feregrinuSy a NasoruTn fromontorio
rediiy et nasum sfeciosissimumy egregiosissimumque quern un-
quam quisquani sortitus esty acquisivi.
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SHANDY 221
The stranger took no notice of the burgomaster's wife —
he was making a vow to Saint Nicolas; which done, having
uncrossed his arms with the same solemnity with which he
crossed them, he took up the reins of his bridle with his left
hand, and putting his right hand into his bosom, with his
scimetar hanging loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on, as
slowly as one foot of the mule could follow another, through
the principal streets of Strasburg, till chance brought him to
the great inn in the market-place over-against the church.
The moment the stranger alighted, he ordered his mule to
be led into the stable, and his cloak-bag to be brought in;
then (opening, and taking out of it his crimson-satin breeches,
with a silver-fringed — (appendage to them, which I dare
not translate) — he put his breeches, with his fringed cod-
piece on, and forthwith, with his short scimetar in his hand,
walked out to the grand parade.
The stranger had just taken three turns upon the parade,
when he perceived the trumpeter's wife at the opposite side
of it — so turning short, in pain lest his nose should be at-
tempted, he instantly went back to his inn — undressed him-
self, packed up his crimson-satin breeches, etc., in his cloak-
bag, and called for his mule.
I am going forwards, said the stranger, for Frankfort —
and shall be back at Strasburg this day month.
I hope, continued the stranger, stroking down the face of
his mule with his left hand as he was going to mount it, that
vou have been kind to this faithful slave of mine — it has
carried me and mv cloak-bag, continued he, tapping the
mule's back, above six hundred leagues.
— 'Tis a long journey, Sir, replied the master of the inn
— unless a man has great business. — Tut! tut! said the
stranger, I have been at the Promontory of Noses; and have
got me one of the goodliest, thank Heaven, that ever fell
to a single man's lot.
Whilst the stranger was giving this odd account of him-
222 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
DufK feregrinus hanc miram rationem de self so reddity
hosfes et uxor ejus, oculis intentisy feregrini nasum conteni-
flantur — Per sanctos sanctasque onuies, ah hosfttis uxor,
nasls duodec'im maxhnis in toto Argentorato major est! —
pstnCy ait ilia mariti in aurem insusurrans, nonne est nasus
fraegrandis?
Dolus inest, anitne nil, ait hosfes — nasus est falsus.
Verus est, respondit uxor —
Ex abiete f actus est, ait ille, terebinthinwn olet —
C arbunculus inest, ait uxor.
Mortuus est nasus, respondit hospes.
Vivus est ait ilia, — et si ipsa vivam tangam.
V otuni feci sancto Nicolao, ait peregrinus, nasum 7neum
intactum fore usque ad — Quodnam tenipus? illico respondit
ilia.
Minimo tangetur, inquit die (manibiis in pectus coni-
positis) usque ad illam horani — Quatn horam? ait ilia —
Nullayn, respondit peregrinus, donee pervenio ad — Quern
locum, — obsecro? ait ilia — Peregrinus nil respondens mulo
conscenso discessit.
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SHANDY 223
self, the master of the inn and his wife kept both their eyes
fixed full upon the stranger's nose — By saint Radagunda,
said the inn-keeper's wife to herself, there is more of it than
in any dozen of the largest noses put together in all Stras-
burg! is it not, said she, whispering her husband in his ear,
is it not a noble nose?
'Tis an imposture, mv dear, said the master of the inn —
'tis a false nose.
'Tis a true nose, said his wife.
'Tis made of fir-tree, said he, I smell the turpentine. —
There's a pimple on it, said she.
'Tis a dead nose, replied the inn-keeper.
'Tis a live nose, and if I am alive myself, said the inn-
keeper's wife, I will touch it.
I have made a vow to Saint Nicolas this day, said the
stranger, that my nose shall not be touched till — Here the
stranger, suspending his voice, looked up. — Till when: said
she hastily.
It never shall be touched, said he, clasping his hands and
bringing them close to his breast, till that hour — What
hour? cried the inn-keeper's wife. — Never! — never! said
the stranger, never till I am got — For Heaven's sake, into
what place? said she — The stranger rode away without say-
ing a word.
The stranger had not got half a league on his wav
towards Frankfort before all the city of Strasburg was in
an uproar about his nose. The Compline bells were just
ringing to call the Strasburgcrs to their devotions, and shut
up the duties of the day in prayer: — no soul in all Strasburg
heard 'em — the city was like a swarm of bees — men, women,
and children (the Compline bells tinkling all the time) fly-
ing here and there — in at one door, out at another — this
way and that way — long ways and cross ways — up one
street, down another street — in at this alley, out of that —
did you see it? did you see it? did vou sec it? O! did you
224 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
see it? — who saw it? who did see it? for mercy's sake, who
saw it?
Alack o'day! I was at vespers! — I was washing, I was
starching, I was scouring, I was quilting — God help me!
I never saw it — I never touched it! — would I had been a
sentinel, a bandy-legged drummer, a trumpeter, a trum-
peter's wife, was the general cry and lamentation in every
street and corner of Strasburg.
Whilst all this confusion and disorder triumphed through-
out the great city of Strasburg, was the courteous stranger
going on as gently upon his mule in his way to Frankfort,
as if he had no concern at all in the affair — talking all
the way he rode in broken sentences sometimes to his mule
— sometimes to himself — sometimes to his Julia.
O Julia, my lovely Julia! — nay I cannot stop to let thee
bite that thistle — that ever the suspected tongue of a rival
should have robbed me of enjoyment when I was upon the
point of tasting it. —
— Pugh — 'tis nothing but a thistle — never mind it — thou
shalt have a better supper at night.
— Banished from my country — my friends — from
thee. —
Poor devil, thou'rt sadly tired with thy journey! — come
— get on a little faster — there's nothing in my cloak-bag
but two shirts — a crimson-satin pair of breeches, and a
fringed — Dear Julia!
— But why to Frankfort? — is it that there is a hand un-
felt, which secretly is conducting me through these me-
anders and unsuspected tracts?
— Stumbling! by Saint Nicolas! every step — why, at this
rate we shall be all night in getting in —
— To happiness — or am I to be the sport of fortune and
slander — destined to be driven forth unconvicted — unheard
— untouched — if so, why did I not stay at Strasburg, where
justice — but I had sworn! Come, thou shalt drink — to
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SH AN J)Y 225
Saint Nicolas — O Julia! — What dost tliDU prick up thy
cars at? — 'tis nothing hut a man, etc.
The stranger rode on communing in this manner with his
mule and Julia — till he arrived at his inn, where, as soon as
he arrived, he alighted — saw his mule, as he had promised
it, taken good care of — took off his cloak-bag, with his
crimson-satin breeches, etc., in it — called for an omelet to
his supper, went to his bed about twelve o'clock and in
five minutes fell fast asleep.
It was about the same hour when the tumult in Strasburg
being abated for that night, — the Strasburgers had all got
quietly into their beds — but not like the stranger, for the
rest either of their minds or bodies; Queen Mab, like an elf
as she was, had taken the stranger's nose, and without re-
duction of its bulk, had that night been at the pains of slit-
ting and dividing it into as many noses of different cuts
and fashions, as there "were heads in Strasburg to hold them.
The abbess of Quedlinburg, who with the four great digni-
taries of her chapter, the prioress, the deaness, the sub-
chantress, and senior canoness, had that week come to Stras-
burg to consult th? university upon a case of conscience
relating to their placket-holes — was ill all the night.
The courteous stranger's nose had got perched upon the
top of the pineal gland of her brain, and made such rousing
work in the fancies of the four great dignitaries of her
chapter, they could not get a wink of sleep the whole night
thro' for it — there was no keeping a limb still amongst them
— in short, they got up like so many ghosts.
The penitentiaries of the third order of Saint Francis —
the nuns of mount Calvary — the Praemonstratenses — the
Clunienses * — the Carthusians, and all the severer orders
of nuns who lay that night in blankets or hair-cloth, were
still in a worse condition than the abbess of Quedlinburg —
' Hafen Slawkenbergius means the Benedictine nuns ot Climy,
founded in the year 940. by Odo, abbe de Cluny.
226 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
by tumbling and tossing, and tossing and tumbling from
one side of their beds to the other the whole night long —
the several sisterhoods had scratched and mauled themselves
all to death — they got out of their beds almost flayed alive
— every body thought Saint Antony had visited them for
probation vv^ith his fire — they had never once, in short, shut
their eyes the whole night long from vespers to matins.
The nuns of Saint Ursula acted the wisest — they never
attempted to go to bed at all.
The dean of Strasburg, the prebendaries, the capitulars
and domiciliars (capitularly assembled in the morning to
consider the case of buttered buns) all wished they had fol-
lowed the nuns of Saint Ursula's example. —
In the hurry and confusion every thing had been in the
night before, the bakers had all forgot to lay their leaven —
there were no buttered buns to be had for breakfast in all
Strasburg — the whole close of the cathedral was in one
eternal commotion — such a cause of restlessness and dis-
quietude, and such a zealous enquiry into the cause of that
restlessness, had never happened in Strasburg, since Martin
Luther, with his doctrines, had turned the city upside down.
If the stranger's nose took this liberty of thrusting him-
self thus into the dishes" of religious orders, etc., what a
carnival did his nose make of it, in those of the laity! —
'tis more than my pen, worn to the stump as it is, has power
to describe; tho' I acknowledge, (cries Slawkenbergius, with
more gaiety of thought than I could have expected from
him) that there is many a good simile now subsisting in the
world which might give my countrymen some idea of it;
but at the close of such a folio as tliis, wrote for their sakes,
and in which I have spent the greatest part of my life — tho'
I own to them the simile is in being, yet would it not be un-
- Mr. Shandy's compliments to orators — is very sensible that
Slawkenberpius has here changed his metaphor — which he is very
guilty of: — that as a translator, Mr. Shandy has all along done
what he could to make him stick to it — but that here 'twas impossible.
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SHANDY 227
rcasnnnhlc in them to expect I should have cither time or
inclination to search for it: Let it suffice to say, that the
riot and disorder it occasioned in the Strasburgers' fantasies
was so general — such an overpowering mastership had it
got of all the faculties of the Strasburgers' minds — so many
strange things, with equal confidence on all sides, and with
t-qual eloquence in all places, were spoken and sworn to
concerning it, that turned the whole stream of all discourse
and wonder towards it — every soul, good and bad — rich and
poor — learned and unlearned — doctor and student — mistress
and maid — gentle and simple — nun's flesh and woman's
flesh, in Strasburg spent their time in hearing tidings about
it — every eye in Strasburg languished to see it — every finger
— every thumb in Strasburg burned to touch it.
Now what might add, if any thing may be thought neces-
sary to add, to so vehement a desire — was this, that the
sentinel, the bandy-legged drummer, the trumpeter, the
trumpeter's wife, the burgomaster's widow, the master of
the inn, and the master of the inn's wife, how widely soever
they all differed every one from another in their testimonies
and description of the stranger's nose — they all agreed to-
gether in two points — namely, that he was gone to Frank-
fort, and would not return to Strasburg till that day month;
and secondly, whether his nose was true or false, that the
stranger himself was one of the most perfect paragons of
beauty — the finest-made man — the most genteel! — the
most generous of his purse — the most courteous in his car-
riage, that had ever entered the gates of Strasburg — that as
he rode, with scimetar slung loosely to his wrist, thro' the
streets — and walked with his crimson-satin breeches across
the parade — 'twas with so sweet an air of careless modesty,
and so manly withal — as would have put the heart in
jeopardy (had his nose not stood in his way) of every virgin
who had cast her eyes upon him.
I call not upon that heart which is a stranger to the
228 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
throbs and yearnings of curiosity, so excited, to justify the
abbess of Quedlinburg, the prioress, the deauess, and sub-
chantress, for sending at noon-day for the trumpeter's wife:
she went through the streets of Strasburg with her hus-
band's trumpet in her hand, — the best apparatus the strait-
ness of the time would allow her, for the illustration of her
theory — she staid no longer than three days.
The sentinel and bandy-legged drummer! — nothing on
this side of old Athens could equal them! they read their
lectures under the city-gates to comers and goers, with all
the pomp of a Chrysippus and a Grantor in their porticos.
The master of the inn, with his ostler on his left-hand,
read his also in the same style — under the portico or gateway
of his stable-yard — his wife, hers more privately in a back
room: all flocked to their lectures; not promiscuously — but
to this or that, as is ever the way, as faith and credulity mar-
shalled them — in a word, each Strasburger came crowding
for intelligence — and every Strasburger had the intelli-
gence he wanted.
'Tis worth remarking, for the benefit of all demonstrators
in natural philosophy, etc., that as soon as the trumpeter's
wife had finished the abbess of Quedlinburg's private lec-
ture, and had begun to read in public, which she did upon
a stool in the middle of the great parade, — she incommoded
the other demonstrators mainly, by gaining incontinently
the most fashionable part of the city of Strasburg for her
auditory — But when a demonstrator in philosophy (cries
Slawkenbergius) has a trumpet for an apparatus, pray what
rival in science can pretend to be heard besides him?
Whilst the unlearned, thro' these conduits of intelli-
gence, were all busied in getting down to the bottom of the
well, where Truth keeps her little court — were the learned
in their way as busy in pumping her up thro' the conduits of
dialect induction — they concerned themselves not with facts
— they reasoned —
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SHANDY 229
Not one profession had thrown more light upon this sub-
ject than the Faculty — had not all their disputes about it
run into the affair of Wens and oedematous swellings, they
could not keep clear of them for their bloods and souls —
the stranger's n^se had nothing to do either with wens or
oedematous swellings.
It was demonstrated however very satisfactorily, that
such a ponderous mass of heterogeneous matter could not be
congested and conglomerated to the nose, whilst the infant
was in Uteroy without destroying the statical balance of the
foetus, and throwing it plump upon its head nine months
before the time, —
— The opponents granted the theory — they denied the
consequences.
And if a suitable provision of veins, arteries, etc., said
thev, was not laid in, for the due nourishment of such a nose,
in the very first stamina and rudiments of its formation,
before it came into the world (bating the case of Wens) it
could not regularly grow and be sustained afterwards.
This was all answered by a dissertation upon nutriment,
and the effect which nutriment had in extending the vessels,
and in the increase and prolongation of the muscular parts
to the greatest growth and expansion imaginable — In the
triumph of which theory, they went so far as to affirm, that
there was no cause in nature, whv a nose might not grow
to the size of the man himself.
The respondents satisfied the world this event could never
happen to them so long as a man had but one stomach and
one pair of lungs — For the stomach, said they, being the only
organ destined for the reception of food, and turning it
into chyle — and the lungs the only engine of sanguification
— it could possibly work off no more, than what the appetite
brought it: or admitting the possibility of a man's overload-
ing his stomach, nature had set bounds however to his lung*
— the engine was of a determined size and strength, and
230 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
could elaborate but a certain quantity in a given time — that
is, it could produce just as much blood as was sufficient for
one single man, and no more; so that, if there was as much
nose as man — they proved a mortification must necessarily
ensue; and forasmuch as there could not be a support for
both, that the nose must either fall off from the man, or
the man inevitably fall off from his nose.
Nature accommodates herself to these emergencies, cried
the opponents — else what do you say to the case of a whole
stomach — a whole pair of lungs, and but half a man, when
both his legs have been unfortunately shot off?
He dies of a plethora, said they — or must spit blood, and
in a fortnight or three weeks go off in a consumption. —
— It happens otherwise — replied the opponents. —
It ought not, said they.
The more curious and intimate enquirers after Nature and
her doings, though they went hand in hand a good way to-
gether, yet they all divided about the nose at last, almost
as much as the Faculty itself.
They amicably laid it down, that there was a just and
geometrical arrangement and proportion of the several parts
of the human frame to its several destinations, offices, and
functions, which could not be transgressed but within certain
limits — that nature, though she sported — she sported within
a certain circle; — and they could not agree about the di-
ameter of it.
The logicians stuck much closer to the point before them
than any of the classes of the literati; — they began and
ended with the word Nose; and had it not been for a
fetitio p-t7ictfiiy which one of the ablest of them ran his
head against in the beginning of the combat, the whole
controversy had been settled at once.
A nose, argued the logician, cannot bleed without blood
— and not only blofid — but blood circulating in it to supply
the phenomenon with a succession of drops — (a stream being
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SHANDY 231
but a quicker succession of drops, that is included, said he).
— Now death, continued the logician, being nothing but
the stagnation of the blood —
I deny the definition — Death is the separation of the
soul from the body, said his antagonist — Then we don't
agree about our weapons, said the logician — Then there is
an end of the dispute, replied the antagonist.
The civilians were still more concise: what they offered
being more in the nature of a decree — than a dispute.
Such a monstrous nose, said they, had it been a true nose,
could not possibly have been suffered in civil society — and
if false — to impose upon society with such false signs and
tokens, was a still greater violation of its rights, and musf
have had still less mercy shown it.
The only objection to this was, that if it proved any
thing, it proved the stranger's nose was neither true nor
false.
This left room for the controversy to go on. It was
maintained by the advocates of the ecclesiastic court, that
there was nothing to inhibit a decree, since the stranger
ex mero inotu had confessed he had been at the Promontory
of Noses, and had got one of the goodliest, etc. etc. — To
this it was answered, it was impossible there should be such
a place as the Promontory of Noses, and the learned be
ignorant where it lay. The commissary of the bishop of
Strasburg undertook the advocates, explained this matter
in a treatise upon proverbial phrases, showing them, that
the Promontory of Noses was a mere allegoric expression,
importing no more than that nature had given him a long
nose: in proof of which, with great learning, he cited the
underwritten authorities,^ which had decided the point in-
^ Nonnulli ex nostratibus eadem loquendi fonnula utun. Quinitno
& Logistae & Canonistae — Vid. Parce Bame Jas in d. L. Provincial.
Constitut. de conjee, vid. Vol. Lib. 4. Titul. i. n. 7. qua etiam in re
conspir. Om de Promontorio Nas. Tichmak. ff. d. tit. ,3. fol. i8q.
passim. Vid. Glos. de contrahcnd. empt. &c. necnon J. Scrudr. in
232 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
contestably, had it not appeared that a dispute about some
franchises of dean and chapter-lands had been determined
by it nineteen years before.
It happened — I must not say unluckily for Truth, be-
cause they were giving her a lift another way in so doing;
that the two universities of Strasburg — the Lutheran,
founded in the year 1538 by Jacobus Surmis, counsellor of
the senate, — and the Popish, founded by Leopold, arch-
duke of Austria, were, during all this time, employing the
whole depth of their knowledge (except just what the affair
of the abbess of Quedlinburg's placket-holes required) — in
determining the point of Martin Luther's damnation.
The Popish doctors had undertaken to demonstrate a
prioriy that from the necessary influence of the planets on
the twenty-second day of October 1483 — when the moon
was in the twelfth house, Jupiter, Mars, and Venus in the
third, the Sun, Saturn, and Mercury, all got together in
the fourth — that he must in course, and unavoidably, be a
damned man — and that his doctrines, by a direct corollary,
must be damned doctrines too.
By inspection into his horoscope, where five planets were
in coition all at once with Scorpio ^ (in reading this my
cap. § refut. per totum. Cum his cons. Rever. J. Tubal, Sentent. &
Prov. cap. 9. ff. II, 12. obiter. V. & Librum, cui Tit. de Terris &
Phras. Belg. ad finem, cum comment. N. Bardy Belg. Vid. Scrip.
Argentotarens. de Antiq. Ecc. in Episc. Archiv. fid. coll. per Von
Jacobum Koinshoven Folio Argent. 1583. praecip. ad finem. Quibus
add. Rebuff in L. obvenire de Signif. Nom. ff. fol. & de jure Gent. &
Civil, de protib. aliena feud, per federa, test. Joha. Luxius in pro-
legom. quem velim videas, de Analy. Cap. i, 2, 3. Vid. Idea.
1 Haec mira, satisque horrenda Planetarum coitio sub Scorpio
Asterismo in nona coeli statione, quam Arabes religioni deputabant,
efficit Martinum Lutherum sacrilegum hercticum, Christianae re-
ligionis hostem acerrimum atque prophanum, ex horoscopi directione
ad Martis coitum, religiosissimus obiit, ejus Anima scelestissiraa ad
infernos navigavit — ab Alecto, Tisiphone & Megara flagellis igneis
cruciata perenniter.
— Lucas Gauricus in Tractatu astrologico de praeteritis multorum
hominum accidcntibus per genituras examinatis.
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SHANDY 233
father would always shake his head) in the ninth house,
which the Arabians allotted to religion — it appeared that
Martin Luther did not care one stiver about the matter —
and that from the horoscope directed to the conjunction of
Mars — they made it plain likewise he must die cursing and
blaspheming — with the blast of which his soul (being steeped
in guilt) sailed before the wind, in the lake of hell-fire.
The little objection of the Lutheran doctors to this,
was, that it must certainly be the soul of another man, born
Oct. 22, 83, which was forced to sail down before the
wind in that manner — inasmuch as it appeared from the
register of Eisleben in the county of Mansfclt, that Luther
was not born in the year 1483, but in 84; and not on the
22nd day of October, but on the loth of November, the
eve of Martinmas dav, from whence he had the name of
Martin.
[ — I must break off my translation for a moment; for
if I did not, I know I should no more be able to shut my
eyes in bed, than the abbess of Quedlinburg — It is to tell
the reader, that my father never read this passage of Slawk-
enbergius to my uncle Toby, but with triumph — not over
my uncle Toby, for he never opposed him in it — but over
the whole world.
— Now you see, brother Toby, he would say, looking up,
"that christian names are not such indifferent things;" —
had Luther here been called bv any other name but Martin,
he would have been damned to all eternity — Not that I
look upon .Martin, he would add, as a good name — far
from it — 'tis something better than a neutral, and but a
little — yet little as it is, you see it was of some service to
him.
.My father knew the weakness of this prop to his hy-
pothesis, as well as the best logician could shew him — yet so
strange is the weakness of man at the same time, as it fell
in his way, he could not for his life but make use of it:
234 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
and it was certainly for this reason, that though there
are many stories in Hafen Slawkenbergius's Decads full as
entertaining as this I am translating, yet there is not one
amongst them which my father read over with half the
delight — it flattered two of his strangest hypotheses to-
gether — his Names and his Noses. — I will be bold to say,
he might have read all the books in the Alexandrian Library,
had not fate taken other care of them, and not have met
with a book or passage in one, which hit two such nails as
these upon the head at one stroke.]
The two universities of Strasburg were hard tugging at
this affair of Luther's navigation. The Protestant doctors
had demonstrated, that he had not sailed right before the
wind, as the Popish doctors had pretended; and as every
one knew there was no sailing full in the teeth of it — they
were going to settle, in case he had sailed, how many points
he was off; whether Martin had doubled the cape, or had
fallen upon a lee-shore; and no doubt, as it was an enquiry
of much edification, at least to those who understood this
sort of Navigation, they had gone on with it in spite of the
size of the stranger's nose, had not the size of the stranger's
nose drawn off the attention of the world from what they
were about — it was their business to follow.
The abbess of Quedlinburg and her four dignitaries was
no stop; for the enormity of the stranger's nose running full
as much in their fancies as their case of conscience — the
affair of their placket-holes kept cold — in a word, the print-
ers were ordered to distribute their types — all controversies
dropped.
'Twas a square cap with a silver tassel upon the crown of
it — to a nut-shell — to have guessed on which side of the nose
the two universities would split.
'Tis above reason, cried the doctors on one side.
'Tis below reason, cried the others.
'Tis faith, one cried.
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SHANDY 235
'Tis a fiddle-stick, said the other.
'Tis possible, cried the one.
'Tis impossible, said the other.
God's power is infinite, cried the Nosarians, he can do any
thing.
He can do nothing, replied the Antinosarians, which im-
plies contradictions.
He can make matter think, said the Nosarians.
As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a sow's
car, replied the Antinosarians.
He cannot make two and two five, replied the Popish doc-
tors. — 'Tis false, said their other opponents. —
Infinite power is infinite power, said the doctors who
maintained the reality of the nose. — It extends only to al!
possible things, replied the Lutherans.
By God in heaven, cried the Popish doctors, he can make
a nose, if he thinks fit, as big as the steeple of Strasburg.
Now the steeple of Strasburg being the biggest and the
tallest church-steeple to be seen in the whole world, the Anti-
nosarians denied that a nose of 575 geometrical feet in
length could be worn, at least by a middle-sized man — The
Popish doctors swore it could — The Lutheran doctors said
No; — it could not.
This at once started a new dispute, which they pursued a
great way, upon the extent and limitation of the moral and
natural attributes of God — That controversy led them nat-
urally into Thomas Aquinas, and Thomas Aquinas to the
devil.
The stranger's nose was no more heard of in the dispute —
it just served as a frigate to launch them into the gulf of
school-divinity — and then they all sailed before the wind.
Heat is in proportion to the want of true knowledge.
The controversy about the attributes, etc., instead of cool-
ing, on the contrary had inflamed the Strasburgers' imagina-
tions to a most inordinate deirree — The less thev understood
236 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
jf the matter, the greater was their wonder about it — they
were left in all the distresses of desire unsatisfied — saw their
doctors, the Parchmentarians, the Brassarians, the Turpen-
tarians, on one side — the Popish doctors on the other, like
Pantagruel and his companions in quest of the oracle of the
bottle, all embarked out of sight.
— The poor Strasburgers left upon the beach!
— What was to be done? — No delay — the uproar in-
creased — every one in disorder — the city gates set open. —
Unfortunate Strasburgers! was there in the store-house of
nature — was there in the lumber-rooms of learning — was
there in the great arsenal of chance, one single- engine left
undrawn forth to torture your curiosities, and stretch your
desires, which was not pointed by the hand of Fate to play
upon your hearts? — I dip not my pen into my ink to excuse
the surrender of yourselves — 'tis to write your panegyric.
Shew me a city so macerated with expectation — who neither
eat, or drank, or slept, or prayed, or hearkened to the calls
either of religion or nature for seven-and-twenty days to-
gether, who could have held out one day longer.
On the twenty-eighth the courteous stranger had promised
^o return to Strasburg.
Seven thousand coaches (Slawkenbergius must certainly
have made some mistake in his numeral characters); 7000
coaches — 15,000 single-horse chairs — 20,000 waggons,
crowded as full as they could all hold with senators, coun-
sellors, syndics — beguines, widows, wives, virgins, canons,
concubines, all in their coaches — The abbess of Quedlinburg,
with the prioress, the deaness and sub-chantress, leading the
procession in one coach, and the dean of Strasburg, with the
four great dignitaries of his chapter, on her left-hand — the
rest following higglety-pigglety as they could; some on
horseback — some on foot — some led — some driven — some
down the Rhine — some this way — some that — all set out at
sunrise to meet the courteous stranger on the road.
BOOK IV TRISTRAM SHANDY 237
Haste we now towards the catastrophe of my tale — I say
Catastrophe (cries Slawkenbergius) inasmuch as a tale, with
parts rightly disposed, not only rejoiceth {gaudrt) in the
Catastrophe and Peripetia of a Drama, but rejoiceth more-
over in all the essential and integrant parts of it — it has its
Protasis, Epitasis, Catastasis, its Catastrophe or Peripetia
growing one out of the other in it, in the order Aristotle first
planted them — without which a tale had better never been
told at all, says Slnwkenbergius, but be kejx to a man's self.
In all my ten tales, in all my ten decads, have I Slawken-
bergius tied down ever)- tale of them as tightly to this rule,
as I have done this of the stranger and his nose.
— From his first parley with the sentinel, to his leaving the
cit}- of Strasburg, after pulling ofiF his crimson-satin pair of
breeches, is the Protasis or first entrance — where the charac-
ters of the Personae Dramatis are just touched in, and the
subjects slightly begun.
The Epitasis, wherein the action is more fully entered
up>on and heightened, till it arrives at its state or height called
the Catastasis, and which usually takes up the 2d and 3d act,
is included within that busy f>eriod of my tale, betwixt the
first night's uproar about the nose, to the conclusion of the
trump>eter's wife's lectures uf)on it in the middle of the grand
parade: and from the first embarking of the learned in the
dispute — to the doctors finally sailing away, and leaving the
Strasburgers up>on the beach in distress, is the Catastasis or the
ripening of the incidents and passions for their bursting forth
in the fifth act.
This commences with the setting out of the Strasburgers
in the Frankfort road, and terminates in unwinding the laby-
rinth and bringing the hero out of a state of agitation (a*
Aristotle calls it) to a state of rest and quietness.
This, says Hafen Slawkenbergius, constitutes the Catas-
trophe or Peripetia of my tale — and that is the part of it I
am going to relate.
238 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
We left the stranger behind the curtain asleep — he enters
now upon the stage.
— What dost thou prick up thy ears at? — 'tis nothing but
a man upon a horse — was the last word the stranger uttered
to his mule. It was not proper then to tell the reader, that
the mule took his master's word for it; and without any more
ifs or andsy let the traveller and his horse pass by.
The traveller was hastenins; with all dilig-ence to o;et to
Strasburg that night. What a fool am I, said the traveller
to himself, when he had rode about a league farther, to
think of getting into Strasburg this night. — Strasburg! — the
great Strasburg! — Strasburg, the capital of all Alsatia!
Strasburg, an imperial city! Strasburg, a sovereign state!
Strasburg, garrisoned with five thousand of the best troops
in all the world! — Alas! if I was at the gates of Strasburg
this moment, I could not gain admittance into it for a ducat
— nay a ducat and half — 'tis too much — better go back to the
last inn I have passed — than lie I know not where — or give
I know not what. The traveller, as he made these reflec-
tions in his mind, turned his horse's head about, and three
minutes after the stranger had been conducted into his cham-
ber, he arrived at the same inn.
— We have bacon in the house, said the host, and bread
— and till eleven o'clock this night had three eggs in it —
but a stranger, who arrived an hour ago, has had them dressed
into an omelet, and we have nothing. —
Alas! said the traveller, harassed as I am, I want nothing
but a bed. — I have one as soft as is in Alsatia, said the host.
— The stranger, continued he, should have slept in it, for
'tis my best bed, but upon the score of his nose. — He has got
a defluxion, said the traveller. — Not that I know, cried the
host. — But 'tis a camp-bed, and Jacinta, said he, looking
towards the maid, imagined there was not room in it to turn
his nose in. — Why so? cried the traveller, starting back. —
It is so long a nose, replied the host. — The traveller fixed his
fcooKiv TRISTRAM SHANDY 239
eyes upon Jacinta, then upon the ground — kneeled upon his
right knee — had just got his hand laid upon his breast —
Trifle not with my anxiety, said he, rising up again. — 'Tis
no trifle, said Jacinta, 'tis the most glorious nose! — ^The
traveller fell upon his knee again — laid his hand upon his
breast — then, said he, looking up to heaven, thou hast con-
ducted me to the end of my pilgrimage — 'Tis Diego.
The traveller was the brother of the Julia, so often in-
voked that night by the stranger as he rode from Strasburg
upon his mule; and was come, on her part, in quest of him.
He had accompanied his sister from Valladolid across the
Pyrenean mountains through France, and had many an en-
tangled skein to wind off in pursuit of him through the many
meanders and abrupt turnings of a lover's thorny tracks.
— Julia had sunk under it — and had not been able to go
a step farther than to Lyons, where, with the many dis-
quietudes of a tender heart, which all talk of — but few feel
— she sickened, but had just strength to write a letter to
Diego; and having conjured her brother never to see her
face till he had found him out, and put the letter into his
hands, Julia took to her bed.
Fernandez (for that was her brother's name) — tho' the
camp-bed was as soft as any one in Alsace, yet he could not
shut his eyes in it. — As soon as it was day he rose, and hearing
Diego was risen too, he entered his chamber, and discharged
his sister's commission.
The letter was as follows:
"Seig. Diego,
"Whether my suspicions of your nose were justly excited
or not — 'tis not now to enquire — it is enough I have not had
firmness to put them to farther trial.
"How could I know so little of myself, when I sent my
Duenna to forbid your coming more under my lattice? or
how could I know so little of you, Diego, as to imagine you
240 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
would not have stayed one day in Valladolid to have given
ease to my doubts? — Was I to be abandoned, Diego, because
I was deceived? or was it kind to take me at my word,
whether my suspicions were just or no, and leave me, as you
did, a prey to much uncertainty and sorrow?
"In what manner Julia has resented this — my brother,
when he puts this letter into your hands, will tell you; He
will tell you in how few moments she repented of the rash
message she had sent you — in what frantic haste she flew to
her lattice, and how many days and nights together she leaned
immoveably upon her elbow, looking through it towards the
way which Diego was wont to come.
"He will tell you, when she heard of your departure —
how her spirits deserted her — how her heart sickened — how
piteously she mourned — how low she hung her head. O
Diego! how many weary steps has my brother's pity led mc
by the hand languishing to trace out yours; how far has de-
sire carried me beyond strength — and how oft have I fainted
by the way, and sunk into his arms, with only power to cry
out — O my Diego!
"If the gentleness of your carriage has not belied your
heart, you will fly to me, almost as fast as you fled from me
— haste as you will — you will arrive but to see me expire. —
'Tis a bitter draught, Diego, but oh! 'tis embittered still
more by dying un — "
She could proceed no farther.
Slawkenbergius supposes the word intended was "uncon-
vinced," but her strength would not enable her to finish her
letter. The heart of the courteous Diego overflowed as he
read the letter — he ordered his mule forthwith and Fer-
nandez's horse to be saddled; and as no vent in prose is equal
to that of poetry in such conflicts — chance, which as often
directs us to remedies as to diseases, having thrown a piece of
charcoal into the window — Diego availed himself of it, and
BOOK IV TRIS'IRAM SHANDY 241
whilst the hostkr was getting icad\ his imilc, he cased his
mind against the wall as follows.
Ode.
Harsh and untuncful are the notes of love,
Unless my Julia strikes the key,
Her hand alone can touch the part,
Whose dulcet move-
ment charms the heart,
And governs all the man with sympathetic sway.
2d.
O Julia!
The lines were very natural — for they were nothing at all
to the purpose, says Slawkenbergius, and 'tis a pity there were
no more of them; but whether it was that Seig. Diego was
slow in composing verses — or the hostler quick in saddling
mules — is not averred ; certain it was, that Diego's mule and
Fernandez's horse were ready at the door of the inn, before
Diego was ready for his second stanza; so without staving
to finish his ode, they both mounted, sallied forth, passed
the Rhine, traversed Alsace, shaped their course towards
Lyons, and before the Strasburgers and the abbess of Qued-
linburg had set out on their cavalcade, had Fernandez, Diego,
and his Julia, crossed the Pvrenean mountains, and got safe
to V'alladolid.
'Tis needless to inform the geographical reader, that when
Diego was in Spain, it was not possible to meet the courteous
stranger in the Frankfort road; it is enough to say, that of
all restless desires, curiosity being the strongest — the Stras-
burgers felt the full force of it; and that for three davs and
nights they were tossed to and fro in the Frankfort road, with
the tempestuous fury of this passion, before they could sub-
mit to return home. — When alas! an event was prepared foi
242 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
them, of all other, the most grievous that could befall a free
people.
As this revolution of the Strasburgcrs' affairs is often
spoken of, and little understood, I will, in ten words, says
Slawkenbergius, give the world an explanation of it, and
with it put an end to my tale.
Everybody knows of the grand system of Universal Mon-
archy, wrote by order of Mons. Colbert, and put in manu-
script into the hands of Lewis the fourteenth, in the year
1664.
'Tis as well known, that one branch out of many.of that
system, was the getting possession of Strasburg, to favour an
entrance at all times into Suabia, in order to disturb the quiet
of Germany — and that in consequence of this plan, Strasburg
unhappily fell at length into their hands.
It is the lot of a few to trace out the true springs of this
and such like revolutions — The vulgar look too high for
them — Statesmen look too low — Truth (for once) lies in the
middle.
What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a free city! cries
one historian — The Strasburgers deemed it a diminution of
their freedom to receive an imperial garrison — so fell a prey
to a French one.
The fate, says another, of the Strasburgers, may be a
warning to all free people to save their money. — They antici-
pated their revenues — brought themselves under taxes, ex-
hausted their^ strength, and in the end became so weak a
people, they had not strength to keep their gates shut, and so
the French pushed them open.
Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbergius, 'twas not the French, —
'twas curiosity pushed them open — The French indeed, who
are ever upon the catch, when they saw the Strasburgers,
men, women, and children, all marched out to follow the
stranger's nose — each man followed his own, and marched
in.
CHAP. I TRISTRAM SHANDY 245
Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually
grown down ever since — but not from any cause which com"
mcrcial heads have assigned; for it is owing to this only,
that noses have ever so run in their heads, that the Stras-
burgers could not follow their business.
Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbcrgius, making an exclamation
— it is not the first — and I fear will not be the last fortresn
that has been cither won — or lost by noses.
The End of Slazvkenbergius's Tale.
Chapter i
With all this learning upon noses running perpetually in
my father's fancy — with so many family prejudices — and
ten decads of such tales running on for ever along with them
— how was it possible with such exquisite — was it a true nose?
— That a man with such exquisite feelings as my father had,
could bear the shock at all below stairs — or indeed abovr
stairs, in any other posture, but the very posture I have de-
scribed?
— Throw vourself down upon the bed, a dozen times —
taking* care only to place a looking-glass first in a chair on
one side of it, before you do it — But was the stranger's nose
a true nose, or was it a false one?
To tell that before-hand, madam, would be to do injury
to one of the best tales in the Christian-world; and that if
the tenth of the tenth decad, which immediately follows this.
This tale, cried Slawkenbcrgius, somewhat exultingly, has
been reserved by me for the concluding tale of my whole
work; knowing right well, that when I shall have told it, and
my reader shall have read it thro' — 'twould be even high
time for both of us to shut up the book; inasmuch, continues
Slawkenbergius, as I know of no tale which could possibly
ever go down after it.
— 'Tis a tale indeed!
244 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
This sets out with the first interview in the inn at Lyons,
when Fernandc:^ left the courteous stranger and his sister
Julia alone in her chamber, and is over-written.
The Intricacies of Diego and Julia.
Heavens! thou art a strange creature, Slawkenbergius!
what a whimsical view of the involutions of the heart of
woman hast thou opened ! how this can ever be translated, and
\ct if this specimen of Slawkenbcrgius's tales, and the ex-
quisitiveness of his moral, should please the world — trans-
lated shall a couple of volumes be. — Else, how this can
ever be translated into good English, I have no sort of con-
ception — There seems in some passages to want a sixth sense
to do it rightly. — What can he mean by the lambent pupila-
bility of slow, low, dry chat, five notes below the natural tone
— which you know, madam, is little more than a whisper?
The moment I pronounced the words, I could perceive an
attempt towards a vibration in the strings, about the region
of the heart. — The brain made no acknowledgment. —
There's often no good understanding betwixt 'em — I felt as
if I understood it. — I had no ideas. — The movement could
not be without cause. — I'm lost. I can make nothing of it —
unless, may it please your worships, the voice, in that case
being little more than a whisper, unavoidably forces the eyes
to approach not only within six inches of each other — but to
look into the pupils — is not that dangerous? — But it can't
be avoided — for to look up to the ceiling, in that case the two
chins unavoidably meet — and to look down into each other's
lap, the foreheads come to immediate contact, which at once
puts an end to the conference — I mean to the sentimental
part of it. — What is left, madam, is not worth stooping for.
Chaftrr 2
My father lay stretched across the bed as still as if the hand
of death had pushed him down, for a full hour and a half
CHAP. 3 TRISTRAM SHANDY 245
before he began to play upon the floor with the toe of that
foot which hung over the bed-side; my uncle Toby's heart
was a pound lighter for it. — In a few moments, his left-
hand, the knuckles of which had all the time reclined upon
the handle of the chamber-pot, came to its feeling — he thrust
it a little more within the valance — drew up his hand, when
he had done, into his bosom — gave a hem ! My good uncle
Toby, with infinite pleasure, answered it; and full gladly
would have ingrafted a sentence of consolation upon the
opening it afforded: but having no talents, as I said, that way,
and fearing moreover that he might set out with something
which might make a bad matter worse, he contented himself
with resting his chin placidly upon the cross of his crutch.
Now whether the compression shortened my uncle Toby's
face into a more pleasurable oval — or that the philanthropy
of his heart, in seeing his brother beginning to emerge out
of the sea of his afl'lictions, had braced up his muscles — so
that the compression upon his chin only doubled the benignity
which was there before, is not hard to decide. — My father,
in turning his eyes, was struck with such a gleam of sunshine
in his face, as melted down the sullenness of his grief in a
mf)ment.
He broke silence as follows.
Chaffer 5
Did ever man, brother Toby, cried my father, raising him-
self upon his elbow, and turning himself round to the oppo-
site side of the bed, where my uncle Toby was sitting in hi-
old fringed chair, with his chin resting upon his crutch — did
ever a poor unfortunate man, brother Toby, cried my father,
receive so many lashes? — The most I ever saw given, quoth
my uncle Toby (ringing the bell at the bed's head for Trim)
was to a grenadier, I think in Mackay's regiment.
— Had my uncle Toby shot a bullet through my father's
246 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
heart, he could not have fallen down with his nose upon the
quilt more suddenly.
Bless me ! said my uncle Toby.
Chapter ^
Was it Mackay's regiment, quoth my uncle Toby, where the
poor grenadier was so unmercifully whipped at Bruges about
the ducats? — O Christ! he was innocent! cried Trim, with
a deep sigh. — And he was whipped, may it please your hon-
our, almost to death's door. — They had better have shot him
outright, as he begged, and he had gone directly to heaven,
for he was as innocent as your honour. — I thank thee, Trim,
quoth my uncle Toby. — I never think of his, continued
Trim, and my poor brother Tom's misfortunes, for we were
all three school-fellows, but I cry like a coward. — Tears
are no proof of cowardice. Trim. — I drop them ofttimes
myself, cried my uncle Toby. — I know your honour does,
replied Trim, and so am not ashamed of it myself. — But to
think, may it please your honour, continued Trim, a tear
stealing into the corner of his eye as he spoke — to think of
two virtuous lads with hearts as warm in their bodies, and
as honest as God could make them — the children of honest
people, going forth with gallant spirits to seek their fortunes
in the world — and fall into such evils! — poor Tom! to be
tortured upon a rack for nothing — but marrying a Jew's
widow who sold sausages — honest Dick Johnson's soul to be
scourged out of his body, for the ducats another man put
into his knapsack! — O! — these are misfortunes, cried Trim,
• — pulling out his handkerchief — these are misfortunes, may
it please your honour, worth lying down and crying over.
— My father could not help blushing.
'Twould be a pity, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, thou
•^houldst ever feel sorrow of thy own — thou f eelest it so ten-
derly for others. — Alack-o-day, replied the Corporal, bright-
ening up his face — your honour knows I have neither wife
CHAP. 6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 247
or child — I can have no sorrows in this world. — My father
could not help smiling.— As few as any man, Trim, replied
my uncle Toby; nor can I see how a fellow of thy light heart
can suffer, but from the distress of poverty in thy old age —
when thou art passed all services. Trim — and hast outlived
thy friends. — An' please your honour, never fear, replied
Trim, cheerily. — But I would have thee never fear, Trim,
replied my uncle Toby, and therefore, continued my uncle
Toby, throwing down his crutch, and getting up upon his
legs as he uttered the word "therefore" — in recompense,
Trim, of thy long fidelity to me, and that goodness of thy
heart I have had such proofs of — whilst thy master is worth
a shilling — thou shalt never ask elsewhere, Trim, for a
penny. Trim attempted to thank my uncle Toby — but had
not power — tears trickled down his cheeks faster than he
could wipe them off — He laid his hands upon his breast —
made a bow to the ground, and shut the door.
— I have left Trim mv bowling-green, cried my uncle
Toby. — My father smiled. — I have left him moreover a
pension, continued my uncle Toby. — My father looked
grave.
Chapter 5
Is this a fit time, said my father to himself, to talk of Pen-
sions and Grenadiers?
Chapter 6
When my uncle Toby first mentioned the grenadier, my
father, I said, fell down with his nose flat to the quilt, and
as suddenly as if my uncle Toby had shot him; but it was
not added that every other limb and member of my father
instantly relapsed with his nose into the same precise atti-
tude in which he lay first described; so that when Corporal
Trim left the room, and my father found himself disposed
to rise off the bed — he had all the little preparatory move-
248 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
ments to run over again, before he could do it. Attitudes
are nothing, madam — 'tis the transition from one attitude to
another — like the preparation and resolution of the discord
into harmony, which is all in all.
For which reason my father played the same jig over again
with his toe upon the floor — pushed the chamber-pot still
a little further within the valance — gave a hem — raised him-
self up upon his elbow — and was just beginning to address
himself to my uncle Toby — when recollecting the unsuccess-
fulness of his first efiFort in that attitude — he got upon his
legs, and in making the third turn across the room, he stopped
short before my uncle Toby; and laying the three first fingers
of his right-hand in the palm of his left, and stooping a
little, he addressed himself to my uncle Toby as follows:
Chafter 7
When I reflect, brother Toby, upon Man; and take a view
of that dark side of him which represents his life as open to
so many causes of trouble — when I consider, brother Toby,
how oft we eat the bread of affliction, and that we are born
to it, as to the portion of our inheritance — I was born to
nothing, quoth my uncle Toby, interrupting my father — but
my commission. Zooks! said my father, did not my uncle
leave you a hundred and twenty pounds a year? — What
could I have done without it? replied my uncle Toby —
That's another concern, said my father testily — But I say,
Toby, when one runs over the catalogue of all the cross-
reckonings and sorrowful Items with which the heart of man
is overcharged, 'tis wonderful by what hidden resources the
mind is enabled to stand out, and bear itself up, as it does,
against the impositions laid upon our nature. — 'Tis by the
assistance of Almighty God, cried my uncle Toby, looking
up, and pressing the palms of his hands close together — 'tis
not from our own strength, brother Shandy — a sentinel in
a wooden sentry-box might as well pretend to stand it out
CHAP. 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 249
against a detachment of fifty men. — We are upheld by the
frrace and the assistance of the best of Beintrs.
— That is cutting the knot, said my father, instead of un-
tying it. — But give me leave to lead you, brother Toby, a
little deeper into the mystery.
With all my heart, replied my uncle Toby.
My father instantly exchanged the attitude he was in, for
that in which Socrates is so finely painted by Raflrael in his
school of Athens; which your connoisseurship knows is so ex-
quisitely imagined, that even the particular manner of the
reasoning of Socrates is expressed by it — for he holds the
fore-finger of his left-hand between the fore-finger and the
thumb of his right, and seems as if he was saying tt) the liber-
tine he is reclaiming — ""\'ou grant me this — and this: and
this, and this, I don't ask of you — they follow of themselves
in course."
So stood my father, holding fast his fore-finger betwixt
his finger and his thumb, and reasoning with my uncle Toby
as he sat in his old fringed chair, valanced around with party-
coloured worsted bobs — O Garrick! — what a rich scene of
this would thy exquisite powers make! and how gladly would
I write such another to avail myself of thy immortality, and
secure my own behind it.
Chapter 8
Though man is of all others the most curious vehicle, said
my father, yet at the same time 'tis of so slight a frame, and
so totteringly put together, that the sudden jerks and hard
jostlings it unavoidably meets with in this rugged journey,
would overset and tear it to pieces a dozen times a dav — •
was it not, brother Toby, that there is a secret spring within
us. — Which spring, said my uncle Toby, I take to be Re-
ligion. — Will that set my child's nose on? cried my father,
letting go his finger, and striking one hand against the other,
^t makes every thing straight for us, answered my uncle
250 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
Toby. — Figuratively speaking, dear Toby, it may, for aught
I know, said my father; but the spring I am speaking of, is
that great and elastic power within us of counterbalancing
evil, which, like a secret spring in a well-ordered machine,
though it can't prevent the shock — at least it imposes upon our
sense of it.
Now, my dear brother, said my father, replacing his fore-
finger, as he was coming closer to the point — had my child
arrived safe into the world, unmartyred in that precious part
of him — fanciful and extravagant as I may appear to the
world in my opinion of christian names, and of that magic
bias which good or bad names irresistibly impress upon our
characters and conducts — Heaven is witness! that in the
warmest transports of my wishes for the prosperity of my
child, I never once wished to crown his head with more glory
and honour than what George or Edward would have spread
around it.
But alas! continued my father, as the greatest evil has be-
fallen him — I must counteract and imdo it with the greatest
good.
He shall be christened Trismegistus, brother.
I wish it mav answer — replied m\' uncle Toby, rising up.
Chafte}- g
What a chapter of cliances, said my father, turning himself
about upon the first landing, as he and my uncle Toby were
going downstairs — what a long chapter of chances do the
events of this world lay open to us! Take pen and ink in
hand, brother Toby, and calculate it fairly — I know no more
of calculation than this balluster, said niv imcle Toby (strik-
ing short of it with his crutch, and hitting my father a des-
perate blow souse upon his shin-bone) — 'Twas a hundred to
one — cried my uncle Toby — I thought, quoth my father,
(rubbing his shin) you had known nothing of calculations,
CHAP, lo TRISTRAM SHANDY 251
brother Toby. 'Tis a mere chance, saiil my uncle Toby. —
Then it adds one to the chapter — replied my father.
The double success of my father's repartees tickled off the
pain of his shin at once — it was well it so fell out — (chance!
again) — or the world to this day had never known the sub-
ject of my father's calculation — to guess it — there was no
chance — What a lucky chapter of chances has this turned
out! for it has saved me the trouble of writing one express,
and in truth I have enough alreadv upon my hands without
it. — Have not I promised the world a chapter of knots? two
chapters upon the right and the wrong end of a woman? a
chapter upon whiskers? a chapter upon wishes? — a chapter
i)f noses? — No, I have done that — a chapter upon my uncle
Toby's modesty? to say nothing of a chapter upon chapters,
which I will finish before I slee}-) — by my great-grandfather's
whiskers, I shall never get half of 'em through this year.
Take pen and ink in hand, and calculate it fairly, brother
Toby, said my father, and it will turn out a million to one,
that of all the parts of the body, the edge of the forceps
should have the ill luck just to fall upon and break down that
one part, which should break down the fortunes of our house
with it.
It might have been worse, replied my uncle Toby. — I
don't comprehend, said my father. — Suppose the hip had
presented, replied my uncle Toby, as Dr. Slop foreboded.
My father reflected half a minute — looked down —
touched the middle of his forehead slightly with his finger —
— True, said he.
Chaptir I o
Is it not a shame to make two chapters of what passed in
going down one pair of stairs? for we arc got no farther yet
than to the first landing, and there are fifteen more steps
down to the bottom; and for aught I know, as my father
and my uncle Toby are in a talking humour, there may be as
252 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
many chapters as steps: — let that be as it will, Sir, I can no
more help it than my destiny: — A sudden impulse comes
across me — drop the curtain. Shandy — I drop it — Strike a
line here across the paper, Tristram — I strike it — and hey
for a new chapter.
The deuce of any other rule have I to govern myself by
in this affair — and if I had one — as I do all things out of
all rule — I would twist it and tear it to pieces, and throw it
into the fire v/hen I had done — Am I warm? I am, and the
cause demands it — a pretty story! is a man to follow rules
— or rules to follow him?
Now this, you must know, being my chapter upon chap-
ters, which I promised to write before I went to sleep, I
thought it meet to ease my conscience entirely before I laid
down, by telling the world all I knew about the matter at
once: Is not this ten times better than to set out dogmatically
with a sententious parade of wisdom, and telling the world a
story of a roasted horse — that chapters relieve the mind —
that they assist — or impose upon the imagination — and that
in a work of this dramatic cast they are as necessary as the
shifting of scenes — with fifty other cold conceits, enough to
extinguish the fire which roasted him? — O! but to under-
stand this, which is a puff at the fire of Diana's temple — you
must read Longinus — read away — if you are not a jot the
wiser by reading him the first time over — never fear — read
him again — Avicenna and Licetus read Aristotle's meta-
physics forty times through a-piece, and never understood a
single word. — But mark the consequence — Avicenna turned
out a desperate writer at all kinds of writing — for he wrote
books ^^ omni scribli i and for Licetus (Fortunio) though all
the world knows he was born a foetus,^ of no more than five
1 Ce Foetus n'etoit pas plus grand que la paume de la main ; mais
son pere I'ayant examine en qualite de Medecin, & ayant
trouve que c'ctoit quelque chose de plus qu'un Embryon, le fit
transporter tout vivant a Raqallo, ou il le fit voir a Jerome Bardi &
a d'autres Medecins du lieu. On trouva qu'il ne lui manquoit rien
CHAP. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 253
and a half inches in length, yet he grew to that astonishing
height in literature, as to write a book with a title as long
as himself — the learned know I mean his Gonopsychanthro-
pologia, upon the origin of the human soul.
So much for my chapter upon chapters, which I hold to
be the best chapter in my whole work; and take my word,
whoever reads it, is full as well employed, as in picking
straws.
Chapter 1 1
We shall bring all things to rights, said my father, setting
his foot upon the first step from the landing. — This Tris-
mcgistus, continued my father, drawing his leg back and
turning to my uncle Toby — was the greatest (Toby) of all
earthly beings — he was the greatest king — the greatest law-
giver — the greatest philosopher — and the greatest priest —
and engineer — said my uncle Toby.
— In course, said my father.
d'csscntiel a la vie ; & son pere pour fairc voir un essai de son experi-
ence, entreprit d'achever I'ouvrage de la Nature, & dc travailler a la
formation de I'Enfant avec le meme artifice que celui dont on se sert
pour faire ecdorre les Poulets en Egypte. II instruisit une Nourisse
de tout ce qu'elle avoit a faire, & ayant fait mcttre son tils dans un
pour proprement accommode, il reussit a I'elever & a lui faire prendre
ses accroisscmcns necessaires, par runiformite d'une chaleur etrangerc
mesuree exactement sur les degres d'un Thermometre, ou d'un autre
instrument equivalent. (Vide Mich. Giustinian ne gli Scritt. Liguri a
Cart. 2:3. 4S8.)
On auroit toujours ete tres satisfait dc I'industrie d'un pere si
experimente dans I'Art de la Generation, quand il n'auroit pu pro-
longer la vie a sons fils que pour quelques mois. ou pour peu
d'annees.
Mais quand on se represente que I'Enfant a vecu pres de quatre-
vingts ans, & qu'il a compose quatre-vingts Ouvrages differents tous
fruits d'une longue lecture — il faut convcnir que tout ce qui est
incroyable n'est pas toujours faux, & que la Vraisemblancc n'est pa*
toujours du cote de la Verite.
II n'avoit que dix neuf ans lorsqu'il composa Gonopsychanthropo-
loeia de Origine Animae humanae.
(Les Enfans celebres, revO & corriges par M. de la Monnoye de
r.\cademie Franqoise.)
254 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
Chapter 12
— ^iA.ND how does your mistress? cried my father, taking the
same step over again from the landing, and calling to Su-
sannah, whom he saw passing by the foot of the stairs with
a huge pincushion in her hand — how does your mistress?
As well, said Susannah, tripping by, but without looking up,
as can be expected. — What a fool am I! said my father,
drawing his leg back again — let things be as they will,
brother Toby, 'tis ever the precise answer — And how is the
child, pray? — No answer. And where is Dr. Slop? added
my father, raising his voice aloud, and looking over the bal-
lusters — Susannah was out of hearing.
Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, cross-
ing the landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst
he propounded it to my uncle Toby — of all the puzzling rid-
dles, said he, in a marriage state, — of which you may trust
mc, brother Toby, there are more asses' loads than all Job's
stock of asses could have carried — there is not one that has
more intricacies in it than this — that from the very moment
the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in
it, from my lady's gentlewoman down to the cinder-wench,
becomes an inch taller for it; and give themselves more airs
upon that single inch, than all the other inches put together.
I think rather, replied my uncle Toby, that 'tis we who
sink an inch lower. — If I meet but a woman with child — I
do it. — 'Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-crea-
tures, brother Shandy, said my uncle Tob)- — 'Tis a piteous
burden upon 'em, continued he, shaking his head — Yes, yes,
'tis a painful thing — said my father, shaking his head too —
but certainly since shaking of heads came into fashion, never
did two heads shake together, in concert, from two such dif-
ferent springs.
God bless I 'em all — said my uncle Toby and my
Deuce take [ father, each to himself.
CHAi'. 13 J'RIS Ik AM SHANDY 255
Chapter 75
Holla! — you, chairman! — here's sixpence — do step into
that bookseller's shop, and call me a day-tall critic. I am
very willing to give any one of 'em a crown to help me with
his tackling, to get my father and my uncle Toby off the
stairs, and to put them to bed.
— 'Tis even high time; for except a short nap, which thev
both got whilst Trim was boring the jack-boots — and which,
by the bye, did my father no sort of good, upon the score of
the bad hinge — they have not else shut their eyes, since nine
hours before the time that Dr. Slop was led into the back
parlour in that dirty pickle by Obadiah.
Was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this —
and to take up — Truce.
I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observa-
tion upon the strange state of affairs between the reader and
myself, just as things stand at present — an observation never
applicable before to any one biographical writer since the
creation of the world, but to myself — and I believe, will
never hold good to any other, until its final destruction —
and therefore, for the very novelty of it alone, it must he
worth your worships attending to.
I am this month one whole year older than I was this time
twelve-month; and having got, as you perceive, almost into
the middle of my fourth volume * — and no farther than to
my first day's life — 'tis demonstrative that I have three hun-
dred and sixty-four days more life to write just now, than
when I first set out; so that instead of advancing, as a com-
mon writer, in my work with what I have been doing at it
— on the contrary, I am just thrown so many volumes back
— was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this — And
why not? — and the transactions and opinions of it to take up
as much description — And for what reason should they be
[^i.e. in the oripinal edition!
256 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
cut short? as at this rate I should just live 364 times faster
than I should write — It must follow, an' please your wor-
ships, that the more I write, the more I shall have to write
— and consequently, the more your worships will have to
read.
Will this be good for your worships' eyes?
It will do well for mine; and, was it not that my Opinions
will be the death of me, I perceive I shall lead a fine life of
it out of this self -same life of mine; or, in other words, shall
lead a couple of fine lives together.
As for the proposal of twelve volumes a year, or a volume
a month, it no way alters my prospect — write as I will, and
rush as I may into the middle of things, as Horace advises
— I shall never overtake myself whipped and driven to the
last pinch; at the worst I shall have one day the start of my
pen — and one day is enough for two volumes — and two vol-
umes will be enough for one year. —
Heaven prosper the manufacturers of paper under this
propitious reign, which is now opened to us — as I trust its
providence will prosper every thing else in it that is taken in
hand. —
As for the propagation of Geese — I give myself no con-
cern — Nature is all bountiful — I shall never want tools to
work with.
— So then, friend! you have got my father and my uncle
Toby off the stairs, and seen them to bed? — And how did
you manage it? — You dropped a curtain at the stair-foot — I
thought you had no other way for it — Here's a crown for
your trouble.
Chapter 14
— Then reach me my breeches ofir the chair, said my father
to Susannah. — There is not a moment's time to dress you,
Sir, cried Susannah — the child is as black in the face as my
— as your what? said my father, for like all orators, he was
CHAP. 14 TRISTRAM SHANDY 257
a dear searcher into comparisons. — Bless mc, Sir, said Su-
sannah, the child's in a fit. — And whore's Mr. Yorick? —
Never where he should be, said Susannah, but his curate's in
the dressing-room, with the child upon his arm, waiting for
the name — and my mistress bid me run as fast as I could to
know, as Captain Shandy is the godfather, whether it should
not be called after him.
Were one sure, said m^• father to himself, scratching his
eye-brow, that the child was expiring, one might as well com-
pliment my brother Toby as not — and it would be a pity, in
such a case, to throw away so great a name as Trismegistus
upon him — but he may recover.
No, no, — said my father to Susannah, I'll get up —
There is no time, cried Susannah, the child's as black as my
shoe. Trismegistus, said my father — But stay — thou art a
leaky vessel, Susannah, added my father; canst thou carry
Trismegistus in thy head, the length of the gallery without
scattering: — Can I? cried Susannah, shutting the door in
a huff. — If she can, I'll be shot, said my father, bouncing
out of bed in the dark, and groping for his breeches.
Susannah ran with all speed along the gallery.
My father made all possible speed to find his breeches.
Susannah got the start, and kept it — 'Tis Tris — some-
thing, cried Susannah — There is no christian-name in the
world, said the curate, beginning with Tris — but Tristram.
Then 'tis Tristram-gistus, quoth Susannah.
— There is no gistus to it, noddle! — 'tis my own name, re-
plied the curate, dipping his hand, as he spoke, into the bason
— Tristram! said he, etc. etc. etc. etc., so Tristram was I
called, and Tristram shall I be to the day of my death.
My father followed Susannah, with his night-gown
across his arm, with nothing more than his breeches on,
fastened through haste with but a single button, and that but-
ton through haste thrust only half into the button-hole.
— She has not forgot the name? cried mv father, half
258 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
opening the door. — No, no, said the curate, with a tone of
intelligence, — And the child is better, cried Susannah. — And
how does your mistress? As well, said Susannah, as can be
expected. — Pish! said my father, the button of his breeches
slipping out of the button-hole — So that whether the inter-
jection was levelled at Susannah, or the button-hole —
whether Pish was an interjection of contempt or an inter-
jection of modesty, is a doubt, and must be a doubt till I
shall have time to write the three following favourite chap-
ters, that is, my chapter of chamber-maids, my chapter of
pishes, and my chapter of button-holes.
All the light I am able to give the reader at present is
this, that the moment my father cried Pish! he whisked him-
self about — and with his breeches held up by one hand, and
his night-gown thrown across the arm of the other, he
turned along the gallery to bed, something slower than he
came.
Chapter- 75
I WISH I could write a chapter upon sleep.
A fitter occasion could never have presented itself, than
what this moment offers, when all the curtains of the familv
are drawn — the candles put out — and no creature's eyes are
open but a single one, for the other has been shut these
twenty years, of my mother's nurse.
It is a fine subject!
And yet, as fine as it is, I would undertake to write a dozen
chapters upon button-holes, both quicker and with more
fame, than a single chapter upon this.
Button-holes! there is something lively in the very idea
of 'em — and trust me, when I get amongst 'em — You gentry
with great beards — look as grave as you will — I'll make
merry work with my button-holes — I shall have 'em all to
myself — 'tis a maiden subject — I shall run foul of no man's
wisdom or fine sayings in it.
CHAP. 15 TRISTRAM SHAM)^- 259
But for sleep — I know I shall make nothing of it before
I begin — I am no dab at your fine sayings in the first place
— and in the next, I cannot for my soul set a grave face upon
a bad matter, and tell the world — 'tis the refuge of the un-
fortunate — the enfranchisement of the prisoner — the downy
lap of the hopeless, the weary, and the broken-hearted; nor
could I set out with a lie in my mouth, by aflfirming, that of
all tiie soft and delicious functions of our nature, by which
the great Author of it, in his bounty, has been pleased to
recompense the sufferings wherewith his justice and his good
pleasure has wearied us — that this is the chief est (I know-
pleasures worth ten of it) ; or what a happiness it is to man,
when the anxieties and passions of the day are over, and he
lies down upon his back, that his soul shall be so seated within
him, that whichever way she turns her eyes, the heavens
shall look calm and sweet above her — no desire — or fear —
or doubt that troubles the air, nor any difficulty past, present,
or to come, that the imagination may not pass over without
offence, in that sweet secession.
"God's blessing," said Sancho Pani^a, "be upon the man
who first invented this self-same thing called sleep — it covers
a man all over like a cloak." Now there is more to me in
this, and it speaks warmer to my heart and affections, than
all the dissertations squeezed out of the heads of the learned
together upon the subject.
— Not that I altogether disapprove of what Montaigne
advances upon it — 'tis admirable in its way — (I quote by
memory).
The world enjoys other pleasures, says he, as they do that
of sleep, without tasting or feeling it as it slips and passes
by. — We should study and ruminate upon it, in order to ren-
der proper thanks to him who grants it to us. — For this end
I cause myself to be disturbed in my sleep, that I may the
better and more sensibly relish it. — And yet I see few, says
he again, who live with less sleep, when need requires; mv
26o TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
body is capable of a firm, but not of a violent and sudden
agitation — I evade of late all violent exercises — I am never
weary with walking — but from my youth I never liked to
ride upon pavements. I love to lie hard and alone, and even
without my wife — This last word may stagger the faith of
the world— but remember, "La Vraisemblancc (as Bayle
says in the aifair of Liceti) n'est pas toujours du Cote de la
Verite." And so much for sleep.
Chafter 1 6
If my wife will but venture him — brother Toby, Tris-
niegistus shall be dressed and brought down to us, whilst you
and I are getting our breakfasts together —
— Go, tell Susannah, Obadiah, to step here.
She is run up stairs, answered Obadiah, this very instant,
sobbing and crying, and wringing her hands as if her heart
would break.
We shall have a rare month of it, said my father, turning
his head from Obadiah, and looking wistfully in my uncle
Toby's face for some time — we shall have a devilish month
of it, brother Toby, said my father, setting his arms a-kimbo,
and shaking his head; fire, water, women, wind — brother
Toby! — 'Tis some misfortune, quoth my uncle Toby. —
That it is, cried my father — to have so many jarring ele-
ments breaking loose, and riding triumph in every corner of
a gentleman's house — Little boots it to the peace of a family,
brother Toby, that you and I possess ourselves, and sit here
silent and unmoved — whilst such a storm is whistling over
our heads. —
And what's the matter, Susannah? They have called the
child Tristram — and my mistress is just got out of an hysteric
fit about it — No! — 'tis not my fault, said Susannah — I told
him it was Tristram-gistus.
— Make tea for yourself, brother Toby, said my father,
taking down his hat — but how different from the sallies and
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 261
agitations of voice and members which a common reader
would imagine!
— For he spake in the sweetest modulations — and took
down his hat with the genteelest movement of limbs, that
ever affliction harmonized and attuned together.
— Go to the bowling-green for Corporal Trim, said my
uncle Toby, speaking to Obadiah, as soon as my father left
the room.
Chapter ly
When the misfortune of my nose fell so heavily upon my
father's head; — the reader remembers that he walked in-
stantly up stairs, and cast himself down upon his bed; and
from hence, unless he has a great insight into human nature,
he will be apt to expect a rotation of the same ascending and
descending movements from him, upon this misfortune of
my name; — no.
The different weight, dear Sir — nay even the different
package of two vexations of the same weight — makes a very
wide difference in our manner of bearing and getting
through with them. — It is not half an hour ago, when (in
the great hurry and precipitation of a poor devil's writing for
daily bread) I threw a fair sheet, which I had just finished,
and carefully wrote out, slap into the fire, instead of the
foul one.
Instantly I snatched off my wig, and threw it perpendicu-
larly, with all imaginable violence, up to the top of the room
— indeed I caught it as it fell — but there was an end of the
matter; nor do I think any thing else in Nature would have
given such immediate ease: She, dear Goddess, by an instan-
taneous impulse, in all provoking cases, determines us to a
sally of this or that member — or else she thrusts us into this
or that place, or posture of body, we know not why — But
mark, madam, we live amongst riddles and mysteries — the
most obvious things, which come in our way, have dark sides,
262 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
which the quickest sight cannot penetrate into; and even the
clearest and most exalted understandings amongst us find our-
selves puzzled and at a loss in almost every cranny of nature's
works: so that this, like a thousand other things, falls out for
us in a way, which tho' we cannot reason upon it — yet we
find the good of it, may it please your reverences and your
worships — and that's enough for us.
Now, my father could not lie down with this affliction for
his life — nor could he carry it up stairs like the other — he
walked composedly out with it to the fish-pond.
Had my father leaned his head upon his hand, and rea-
soned an hour which way to have gone — reason, with all her
force, could not have directed him to any thing like it: there
is something. Sir, in fish-ponds — but what it is, I leave to
system-builders and fish-pond-diggers betwixt 'em to find
3ut — but there is something, under the first disorderly trans-
port of the humours, so unaccountably becalming in an or-
derly and a sober walk towards one of them, that I have
often wondered that neither Pythagoras, nor Plato, nor
Solon, nor Lycurgus, nor Mahomet, nor any one of your
noted lawgivers, ever gave order about them.
Chapter i8
Your honour, said Trim, shutting the parlour-door before
he began to speak, has heard, I imagine, of this unlucky acci-
dent — O yes. Trim, said my uncle Toby, and it gives me
great concern. — I am heartily concerned too, but I hope
your honour, replied Trim, will do me the justice to believe,
that it was not in the least owing to me. — To thee — Trim?
— cried my uncle Toby, looking kindly in his face — 'twas
Susannah's and the curate's folly betwixt them. — What busi-
ness could they have together, an' please your honour, in
the garden? — In the gallery thou meanest, replied my uncle
Toby.
Trim found he was upon a wrong scent, and stopped
CHAP. i8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 263
short with a low bow — Two misfortunes, quoth the cor-
poral to himself, are twice as maiiN at least as are needful
to be talked over at one time; — the mischief the cow has
done in breaking into the fortifications, may be told his
honour hereafter. — Trim's casuistry and address, under the
cover of his low bow, prevented all suspicion in my uncle
Toby, so he went on with what he had to say to Trim as
follows:
— For my own part. Trim, though I can see little or no
difference betwixt my nephew's being called Tristram or
Trismegistus — vet as the thing sits so near mv brother's
heart, Trim — I would freely have given a hundred pounds
rather than it should have happened. — A hundred pounds,
an' please your honour! replied Trim, — I would not give
a cherry-stone to boot. — Nor would I, Trim, upon my own
account, quoth my uncle Toby — but my brother, whom there
is no arguing with in this case — maintains that a great deal
more depends, Trim, upon christian-names, than what
ignorant people imagine — for he says there never was a
great or heroic action performed since the world began by
one called Tristram — nay, he will have it. Trim, that a
man can neither he learned, or wise, or brave. — 'Tis all
fancy, an' please your honour — I fought just as well, replied
the corporal, when the regiment called me Trim, as when
they called me James Butler. — And for mv own part, said
my uncle Toby, though I should blush to boast of myself,
I'rim — yet had my name been Alexander, I could have done
no more at Namur than my duty. — Bless your honour! cried
Trim, advancing three steps as he spoke, does a man think
of his christian-name when he goes upon the attack? —
Or when he stands in the trench, Trim? cried my uncle
Toby, looking firm, — Or when he enters a breach? said
Trim, pushing in between two chairs. — Or forces the lines?
cried my uncle, rising up, and pushing his crutch like a pike.
— Or facing a platoon? cried Trim, presenting his stick lik<
264 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
a firelock. — Or when he marches up the glacis? cried my
uncle Toby, looking warm and setting his foot upon his
stool. —
Chaffer ig
My father was returned from his walk to the fish-pond —
and opened the parlour-door in the very height of the at-
tack, just as my uncle Toby was marching up the glacis —
Trim recovered his arms — never was my uncle Toby caught
in riding at such a desperate rate in his life ! Alas ! my uncle
Toby ! had not a weightier matter called forth all the ready
eloquence of my father — how hadst thou then and thy poor
Hobby-Horse too been insulted!
My father hung up his hat with the same air he took it
down; and after giving a slight look at the disorder of the
room, he took hold of one of the chairs which had formed
the corporal's breach, and placing it over-against my uncle
Toby, he sat down in it, and as soon as the tea-things were
taken away, and the door shut, he broke out in a lamentation
as follows.
My Father's Lamentation.
It is in vain longer, said my father, addressing himself as
much to Ernulphus's curse, which was laid upon the corner
of the chimney-piece — as to my uncle Toby who sat under it
— it is in vain longer, said my father, in the most querulous
monotony imaginable, to struggle as I have done against
this most uncomfortable of human persuasions — I see it
plainly, that either for my own sins, brother Toby, or the
sins and follies of the Shandy family. Heaven has thought
fit to draw forth the heaviest of its artillery against me;
and that the prosperity of my child is the point upon which
the whole force of it is directed to play. — Such a thing
would batter the whole universe about our ears, brother
Shandy, said my uncle Toby — if it was so — Unhappy Tris-
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 265
tram! child of wrath! child of decrepitude! interruption!
mistake! and discontent! What one misfortune or dis-
aster in the book of embryotic evils, that could unmechanize
thy frame, or entangle thy filaments which has not fallen
upon thy head, or ever thou camest into the world — what
evils in thy passage into it! — what evils since! — produced
into being, in the decline of thy father's days — when the
powers of his imagination and of his body were waxing
feeble — when radical heat and radical moisture, the ele-
ments which should have tempered thine, were drying up;
and nothing left to found thy stamina in, but negations —
'tis pitiful — brother Toby, at the best, and called out for all
the little helps that care and attention on both sides could
give it. But how were we defeated! You know the event,
brother Toby — 'tis too melancholy a one to be repeated now
— when the few animal spirits I was worth in the world,
and with which memory, fancy, and quick parts should have
been conveyed — were all dispersed, confused, confounded,
scattered, and sent to the devil. —
Here then was the time to have put a stop to this persecu-
tion against him; — and tried an experiment at least —
whether calmness and serenity of mind in your sister, with
a due attention, brother Toby, to her evacuations and reple-
tions — and the rest of her non-naturals, might not, in a
course of nine months' gestation, have set all things to
rights. — My child was bereft of these! — What a teazing
life did she lead herself, and consequently her foetus too,
with that nonsensical anxiety of hers about lying-in in town?
I thought my sister submitted with the greatest patience, re-
plied my uncle Toby — I never heard her utter one fretful
word about it. — She fumed inwardly, cried my father; and
that, let me tell you, brother, was ten times worse for the
child — and then! what battles did she fight with me, and
what perpetual storms about the midwife. — There she gave
266 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
/ent, said my uncle Toby. — Vent! cried my father, looking
up.
But what was all this, my dear Toby, to the injuries done
us by my child's coming head foremost into the world, when
all I wished, in this genera) wreck of his frame, was to
have saved this little casket unbroke, unrifled. —
With all my precautions, how was my system turned top-
side-turvy in the womb with my child! his head exposed to
the hand of violence, and a pressure of 470 pounds avoir-
dupois weight acting so perpendicularly upon its apex — that
at this hour 'tis ninety per cent, insurance, that the fine
network of the intellectual web be not rent and torn to a
thousand tatters.
— Still we could have done. — Fool, coxcomb, puppy —
give him but a Nose — Cripple, Dwarf, Driveller, Goosccap
— (shape him as you will) the door of fortune stands open
— O Licetus! Licetus! had I been blest with a foetus five
inches long and a half, like thee — Fate might have done her
worst.
Still, brother Toby, there was one cast of the die left for
our child after all — O Tristram! Tristram! Tristram!
We will send for Mr. Yorick, said my uncle Toby.
— You may send for whom you will, replied my father.
Chaffer 20
What a rate have I gone on at, curvetting and frisking it
away, two up and two down for four volumes ^ together,
without looking once behind, or even on one side of me, to
see whom I trod upon! — I'll tread upon no one — quoth I to
myself when I mounted — I'll take a good rattling gallop;
but I'll not hurt the poorest jack-ass upon the road. — So
off I set — up one lane — down another, through this turn-
pike — over that, as if tlic arch-jockey of jockeys had got
behind me.
r^ i.f. in the original edition. 1
CHAP. 21 TRISTRAM SHANDY 267
Now ride at this rate with what good intention and reso-
lution \ou may — 'tis a million to one you'll do some one a
mischief, if not yourself — He's flung — he's off — he's lost
his hat — he's down — he'll break his neck — see! — if he has
not galloped full among the scaffolding of the undertaking
critics! — he'll knock his brains out against some of their
posts — he's bounced out! — look — he's now riding like a
mad-cap full tilt through a whole crowd of painters, fid-
dlers, poets, biographers, physicians, lawyers, logicians, play-
ers, schoolmen, churchmen, statesmen, soldiers, casuists, con-
noisseurs, prelates, popes, and engineers — Don't fear, said 1
— I'll not hurt the poorest jack-ass upon the king's highway ,
— But your horse throws dirt; sec you'ye splashed a bishop —
I hope in God, 'twas only Ernulphus, said I. — But you have
squirted full in the faces of Mess. Le Moyne, De Romigny,
and De Marcilly, doctors of the Sorbonne. — That was last
year, replied I. — But you have trod this moment upon a
king. — Kings have bad times on't, said I, to be trod upon by
such people as me,
^'ou have done it, replied my accuser.
I deny it, quoth I, and so have got off, and here am I
standing with my bridle in one hand, and with my cap in the
other, to tell my story. — And what is it? You shall hear
in the next chapter.
Chapter 2 r
As Francis the First of France was one winterly night
warming himself over the embers of a wood fire, and talk-
ing with his first minister of sundry things for the good of
the state ^ — It would not be amiss, said the king, stirring up
the embers with his cane, if this good understanding betwixt
ourselves and Switzerland was a little strengthened. — There
is no end, Sire, replied the minister, in giving money to these
people — the\- would swallow up the treasury of France. —
1 Vide Menagiana, Vol. I.
268 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
Poo! poo! answered the king — there are more ways, Mons.
le Premier, of bribing states, besides that of giving money
— I'll pay Switzerland the honour of standing godfather
for my next child. — Your majesty, said the minister, in so
doing, would have all the grammarians in Europe upon
your back; — Switzerland, as a republic, being a female,
can in no construction be godfather, — She may be god-
mother, replied Francis hastily — so announce my intentions
by a courier to-morrow morning.
I am astonished, said Francis the First, (that day fort-
night) speaking to his minister as he entered the closet, that
we have had no answer from Switzerland. — Sire, I wait
upon you this moment, said Mons. le Premier, to lay before
you my dispatches upon that business. — They take it kindlv,
said the king. — They do, Sire, replied the minister, and have
the highest sense of the honour your majesty has done them
— but the republic, as godmother, claims her right, in this
case, of naming the child.
In all reason, quoth the king — she will christen him
Francis, or Henry, or Lewis, or some name that she knows
will be agreeable to us. Your majesty is deceived, replied
the minister — I have this hour received a dispatch from our
resident, with the determination of the republic on that
point also. — And what name has the republic fixed upon
for the Dauphin? — Shadrach, Meshech, Abcd-nego, replied
the minister. — By Saint Peter's girdle, I will have nothing
to do with the Swiss, cried Francis the First, pulling up his
breeches and walking hastily across the floor.
Your majest)', replied the minister calmly, cannot bring
yourself off.
We'll pay them in money — said the king.
Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury,
answered the minister. — I'll pawn the best jewel in my
crown, quoth Francis the First.
CHAP. 23 TRISTRAM SHANDY 269
^'oiir honour stands pavvncil already in tliis matter, an-
swered Monsieur le Premier.
Then, Mons. le Premier, said the king, by — we'll go to
war with 'em.
Chafter 22
Albeit, gentle reader, I have lusted earnestly, and en-
deavoured carefully (according to the measure of such a
slender skill as God has vouchsafed me, and as convenient
leisure from other occasions of needful profit and healthful
pastime have permitted) that these little books which I here
put into thy hands, might stand instead of many bigger books
— yet have I carried myself towards thee in such fanciful
guise of careless disport, that right sore am I ashamed now
to intreat thy lenity seriously — in beseeching thee to believe
it of me, that in the story of my father and his christian-
names — I have no thoughts of treading upon Francis the
First — nor in the affairs of the nose — upon Francis the
Ninth — nor in the character of my uncle Toby — of char-
acterizing the militiating spirits of my country — the wound
upon his groin, is a wound to every comparison of that kind
— nor by Trim — that I meant the Duke of Ormond — or
that my book is wrote against predestination, or free-will,
or taxes — If 'tis wrote against any thing, — 'tis wrote, an'
please your worships, against the spleen ! in order, by a more
frequent and a more convulsive elevation and depression
of the diaphragm, and the succussations of the intercostal
and abdominal muscles in laughter, to drive the gall and
other bitter juices from the gall-bladder, liver, and sweet-
bread of his majesty's subjects, with all the inimicitious
passions which belong to them, down into their duodenums.
Chapter 25
— But can the thing be undone, Yorick? said my father —
for in mv opinion, continued he, it cannot. I am a vile
270 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
canonist, replied ^'orick — hut of all evils, holding suspense
to be the most tormenting, we shall at least know the worst
of this matter, I hate these great dinners — said my father
— The size of the dinner is not the point, answered Yorick
— we want, Mr. Shandy, to dive into the bottom of this
doubt, whether the name can be changed or not — and as the
beards of so many commissaries, officials, advocates, proc-
tors, registers, and of the most eminent of our school-divines,
and others, are all to meet in the middle of one table, and
Didius has so pressingly invited you — who in your distress
would miss such an occasion? All that is requisite, con-
tinued Yorick, is to apprise Didius, and let him manage a
conversation after dinner so as to introduce the subject. —
Then my brother Toby, cried my father, clapping his two
hands together, shall go with us.
— Let my old tie-wig, quoth my uncle Toby, and my
laced regimentals, be hung to the fire all night, Trim.
CHAP. 25 TRISTRAM SHANDY 281
Chapter :?5
— No doubt, Sir, — there is a whole chapter wanting here —
and a chasm of ten pages made in the book by it — but the
book-binder is neither a fool, or a knave, or a puppy — nor is
the book a jot more imperfect (at least upon that score) —
but, on the contrary, the book is more perfect and complete
by wanting the chapter, than having it, as I shall demon-
strate to vour reverences in this manner. — I question first.
by the bve, whether the same experiment might not be made
as successfullv upon sundry other chapters — but there is no
end, an' please your reverences, in trying experiments upon
chapters — we have had enough of it — So there's an end
of that matter.
But before I begin my demonstration, let me only tell
you, that the chapter which I have torn out, and which
otherwise you would all have been reading just now, instead
of this — was the description of my father's, my uncle
Toby's, Trim's, and Obadiah's setting out and journeying
to the visitation at ****.
We'll go in the coach, said my father — Prithee, have the
arms been altered, Obadiahr — It would have made my
story much better to have begun with telling you, that at
the time my mother's arms were added to the Shandys', when
the coach was re-painted upon my father's marriage, it had
so fallen out, that the coach-painter, whether by performing
all his works with the left-hand, like Turpilius the Roman,
or Hans Holbein of Basil — or whether 'twas more from the
blunder of his head than hand — or whether, lastly, it was
from the sinister turn which every thing relating to our
family was apt to take — it so fell out, however, to our
reproach, that instead of the bend-dexter, which since Harr\-
the Eighth's reign was honestly our due — a bend-sinister, by
some of these fatalities, had been drawn quite across the field
282 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
of the Shandy arms. 'Tis scarce credible that the mind of
so wise a man as my father was, could be so much incom-
moded with so small a matter. The word coach — let it be
whose it would — or coach-man, or coach-horse, or coach-
hire, could never be named in the family, but he constantly
complained of carrying this vile mark of illegitimacy upon
the door of his own; he never once was able to step into
the coach, or out of it, without turning round to take a
view of the arms, and making a vow at the same time, that
it was the last time he would ever set his foot in it again,
till the bend-sinister was taken out — but like the affair of
the hinge, it was one of the many things which the Destinies
had set down in their books ever to be grumbled at (and in
wiser families than ours) — but never to be mended.
— Has the bend-sinister been brushed out, I say? said my
father. — There has been nothing brushed out. Sir, answered
Obadiah, but the lining. We'll go o'horseback, said my
father, turning to Yorick. — Of all things in the world, ex-
cept politics, the clergy know the least of heraldry, said
Yorick. — No matter for that, cried my father — I should be
sorry to appear with a blot in my escutcheon before them. —
Never mind the bend-sinister, said my uncle Toby, putting
on his tie-wig. — No, indeed, said my father — you may go
with my aunt Dinah to a visitation with a bend-sinister, if
you think fit — My poor uncle Toby blushed. My father
was vexed at himself. — No — my dear brother Toby, said
my father, changing his tone — but the damp of the coach-
lining about my loins, may give me the sciatica again, as it
did December, January, and February last winter — so if
you please you shall ride my wife's pad — and as you are to
preach, Yorick, you had better make the best of your way
before — and leave me to take care of my brother Toby, and
to follow at our own rates.
Now the chapter I was obliged to tear out, was the descrip-
tion of this cavalcade, in which Corporal Trim and Obadiah,
CH^p. 2 5 TRISTRAM SHANDY 283
upon two coach-horses a-brcast, led the way as slow as a
patrole — whilst my uncle Toby, in his laced regimentals and
tie-wig, kept his rank with my father, in deep roads and
dissertations alternately upon the advantage of learning
and arms, as each could get the start.
— But the painting of this journey, upon reviewing it,
appears to be so much above the style and manner of any
thing else I have been able to paint in this book, that it
could not have remained in it, without depreciating everv
other scene; and destroying at the same time that necessary
equipoise and balance, (whether of good or bad) betwixt
chapter and chapter, from whence the just proportions and
harmonv of the whole work results. For my own part, I
am but just set up in the business, so know little about it —
but, in my opinion, to write a book is for all the world like
humming a song — be but in tune with yourself, madam,
'tis no matter how high or how low you take it.
— This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that
some of the lowest and flattest compositions pass off very
well — (as Yorick told my uncle Toby one night) — by
siege. — My uncle Toby looked brisk at the sound of the
word siege, but could make neither head or tail of it.
I'm to preach at court next Sunday, said Homenas — run
over my notes — so I hummed over doctor Homenas's notes
— the modulation's very well — 'twill do, Homenas, if it
holds on at this rate — so on I hummed — and a tolerable tune
I thought it was; and to this hour, may it please your
reverences, had never found out how low, how flat, how
spiritless and jejune it was, but that all of a sudden, up
started an air in the middle of it, so fine, so rich, so heavenly,
— it carried my soul up with it into the other world; now
had I (as Montaigne complained in a parallel accident) —
had I found the declivity easy, or the ascent accessible —
certes I had been outwitted. — Your notes, Homenas, I
should have said, are good notes; — but it was so perpendicu-
284 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
lar a precipice — so wholly cut off from the rest of the
work, that by the first note I hummed I found myself flying
into the other world, and from thence discovered the vale
from whence I came, so deep, so low, and dismal, that I
rihall never have the heart to descend into it again.
fit^^ A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to
measure his own size — take my word, is a dwarf in more
articles than one. — And so much for tearing out of chapters.
Chapter 26
— See if he is not cutting it into slips, and giving them
about him to light their pipes! — 'Tis abominable, answered
Didius; it should not go unnoticed, said doctor Kysarcius —
B^^ he was of the Kysarcii of the Low Countries.
Methinks, said Didius, half rising from his chair, in order
to remove a bottle and a tall decanter, which stood in a
direct line betwixt him and Yorick — you might have spared
this sarcastic stroke, and have hit upon a more proper place,
Mr. Yorick — or at least upon a more proper occasion to
have shewn your contempt of what we have been about: If
the sermon is of no better worth than to light pipes with —
'twas certainly, Sir, not good enough to be preached before
50 learned a body; and if 'twas good enough to be preached
before so learned a body — 'twas certainly. Sir, too good to
light their pipes with afterwards.
— I have got him fast hung up, quoth Didius to himself,
upon one of the two horns of my dilemma — let him get off
as he can.
I have undergone such unspeakable torments, in bringing
forth this sermon, quoth Yorick, upon this occasion — that
I declare, Didius, I would suffer martyrdom — and if it was
possible my horse with me, a thousand times over, before I
would sit down and make such another: I was delivered of
it at the wrong end of me — it came from my head instead
of my heart — and it is for the pain it gave me, both in the
CHAP. 27 TRISTRAM SHANDY 285
writing and the preaching of it, that I revenge myself of it,
in this manner — To preach, to shew the extent of our read-
ing, or the subtleties of our wit — to parade in the eyes of
the vulgar with the beggarly accounts of a little learning,
tinselled over with a few words which glitter, but convey
little light and less warmth — is a dishonest use of the poor
single half hour in a week which is put into our hands —
'Tis not preaching the gospel — but ourselves — For my own
part, continued Yorick, I had rather direct five words point-
blank to the heart. —
As Yorick pronounced the word point-blank, my uncle
Toby rose up to say something upon projectiles — when a
single word and no more uttered from the opposite side of
the table drew everv one's ears towards it — a word of all
others in the dictionarv the last in that place to be expected
— a word I am ashamed to write — vet must be written —
must be read — illegal — uncanonical — guess ten thousand
guesses, multiplied into themselves — rack — torture your in-
vention for ever, you're where you was — In short, I'll tell
it in the next chapter.
Chapter 2J
ZoL'NDs!
Z — ds! cried Phutatorius, partly to himself — and
yet high enough to be heard — and what seemed odd, 'twa?
uttered in a construction of look, and in a tone of voice,
somewhat between that of a man in amazement and one in
bodily pain.
One or two who had very nice ears, and could distinguish
the expression and mixture of the two tones as plainly as a
third or a fifth, or any other chord in music — were the most
puzzled and perplexed with it — the concord was good in
itself — but then 'twas quite out of the kev, and no way
applicable to the subject started; — so that with all their
286 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
knowledge, they could not tell what in the world to make
of it.
Others who knew nothing of musical expression, and
merely lent their ears to the plain import of the word,
imagined that Phutatorius, who was somewhat of a choleric
spirit, was just going to snatch the cudgels out of Didius's
hands, in order to bemaul Yorick to some purpose — and that
the desperate monosyllable Z — ds was the exordium to an
oration, which, as they judged from the sample, presaged
but a rough kind of handling of him; so that my uncle
Toby's good-nature felt a pang for what Yorick was about
to undergo. But seeing Phutatorius stop short, without any
attempt or desire to go on — a third party began to suppose,
that it was no more than an involuntary respiration, casually
forming itself into the shape of a twelve-penny oath —
without the sin or substance of one.
Others, and especially one or two who sat next him,
looked upon it on the contrary as a real and substantial oath,
propcnsely formed against Yorick, to whom he was known
to bear no good liking — which said oath, as my father
philosophized upon it, actually lay fretting and fuming at
that very time in the upper regions of Phutatorius's pur-
tenance; and so was naturally, and according to the due
course of things, first squeezed out by the sudden influx of
blood which was driven into the right ventricle of
Phutatorius's heart, by the stroke of surprise which so strange
a theory of preaching had excited.
How finely we argue upon mistaken facts!
There was not a soul busied in all these various reason-
ings upon the monosyllable which Phutatorius uttered — who
did not take this for granted, proceeding upon it as from an
axiom, namely, that Phutatorius's mind was intent upon the
subject of debate which was arising between Didius and
Yorick; and indeed as he looked first towards the one and
then towards the other, with the air of a man listening to
CHAP. 27 TRISTRAM SHANDY 287
what was going forwards — who would not have thought
the same? But the truth was, that Phutatorius knew not
one word or one syllable of what was passing — but his
whole thoughts and attention were taken up with a trans-
action which was going forwards at that very instant within
the precincts of his own Galligaskins, and in a part of them,
where of all others he stood most interested to watch acci-
dents: So that notwithstanding he looked with all the atten-
tion in the world, and had gradually screwed up every
nerve and muscle in his face, to the utmost pitch the instru-
ment would bear, in order, as it was thought, to give a sharp
reply to Yorick, who sat over-against him — yet, I say, was
Yorick never once in any one domicile of Phutatorius's
brain — but the true cause of his exclamation lay at least a
yard below.
This I will endeavour to explain to you with all im-
aginable decency.
You must be informed then, that Gastripheres, who had
taken a turn into the kitchen a little before dinner, to see
how things went on — observing a wicker-basket of fine
chestnuts standing upon the dresser, had ordered that a
hundred or two of them might be roasted and sent in, as
Soon as dinner was over — Gastripheres inforcing his orders
about them, that Didius, but Phutatorius especially, were
particularly fond of 'em.
About two minutes before the time that my uncle Toby
interrupted Yorick's harangue — Gastripheres's chestnuts
were brought in — and as Phutatorius's fondness for 'em was
uppermost in the waiter's head, he laid them directly before
Phutatorius, wrapt up hot in a clean damask napkin.
Now whether it was physically impossible, with half a
dozen hands all thrust into the napkin at a time — but that
some one chestnut, of more life and rotundity than the rest,
must be put in motion — it so fell out, however, that one
288 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
was actually sent rolling off the table; and as Phutatorius
sat straddling under — it fell perpendicularly into that par-
ticular aperture of Phutatorius's breeches, for which, to the
shame and indelicacy of our language be it spoke, there is
no chaste word throughout' all Johnson's dictionary — let it
suffice to say — it was that particular aperture which, in all
good societies, the laws of decorum do strictly require, like
the temple of Janus (in peace at least) to be universally
shut up.
The neglect of this punctilio in Phutatorius (which by
the bye should be a warning to all mankind) had opened a
door to this accident. —
Accident I call it, in compliance to a received mode of
speaking — but in no opposition to the opinion either of
Acrites or Mythogeras in this matter; I know they were
both prepossessed and fully persuaded of it — and are so to
this hour. That there was nothing of accident in the whole
event — but that the chestnut's taking that particular course,
and in a manner of its own accord — and then falling with
all its heat directly into that one particular place, and no
other — was a real judgment upon Phutatorius, for that filthy
and obscene treatise de C oncuhinis retinendisy which Phu-
tatorius had published about twenty years ago — and was that
identical week going to give the world a second edition of.
It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy —
much undoubtedly may be wrote on both sides of the ques-
tion — all that concerns me as an historian, is to represent
the matter of fact, and render it credible to the reader,
that the hiatus in Phutatorius's breeches was sufficiently wide
to receive the chestnut; — and that the chestnut, somehow or
other, did fall perpendicularly and piping hot into it, without
Phutatorius's perceiving it, or any one else at that time.
The genial warmth which the chestnut imparted, was
not undelectable for the first twenty or five-and-twenty
seconds — and did no more than gently solicit Phutatorius's
CHAP. 27 IRISTRAM SHANDY 289
attention towards the part: — IJut the heat gradually increas-
ing, and in a few seconds more getting beyond the point of
all sober pleasure, and then advancing with all speed into
the regions of pain, the soul of Phutatorius, together with all
his ideas, his thoughts, his attention, his imagination, judg-
ment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy,
with ten battalions of animal spirits, all tumultuouslv
crowded down, through different defiles and circuits, to the
place of danger, leaving all his upper regions, as you may
imagine, as empty as my purse.
With the best intelligence which all these messengers
could bring him back, Phutatorius was not able to dive into
the secret of what was coins; forwards below, nor could he
make anv kind of conjecture, what the devil was the matter
with it: However, as he knew not what the true cause might
turn out, he deemed it most prudent, in the situation he was
in at present, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoic; which,
with the help of some wry faces and compursions of the
mouth, he had certainlv accomplished, had his imagination
continued neuter; — but the sallies of the imagination are
ungovernable in things of this kind — a thought instantly
darted into his mind, that* tho' the anguish had the sensa-
tion of glowing heat — it might, notwithstanding that, be a
bite as well as a burn; and if so, that possibly a newt or an
asker, or some such detested reptile, had crept up, and was
fastening his teeth — the horrid idea of which, with a fresh
glow of pain arising that instant from the chestnut, seized
Phutatorius with a sudden panic, and in the first terrifying
disorder of the passion, it threw him, as it had done the best
generals upon earth, quite off his guard: — the effect of which
was this, that he leapt incontinently up, uttering as he rose
that interjection of surprise so much descanted upon, with
the aposiopestic break after it, marked thus, Z — ds — which,
though not strictly canonical, was still as little as any man
could have said upon the occasion; — and which, by the bye,
290 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
whether canonical or not, Phutatorius could no more help
than he could the cause of it.
Though this has taken up some time in the narrative, it
took up little more time in the transaction, than just to allow
time for Phutatorius to draw forth the chestnut, and throw-
it down with violence upon the floor — and for Yorick to
rise from his chair, and pick the chestnut up.
It is curious to observe the triumph of slight incidents
over the mind : — What incredible weight they have in form-
ing and governing our opinions, both of men and things —
that trifles, light as air, shall waft a belief into the soul, and
plant it so immoveably within it — that Euclid's demonstra-
tions, could they be brought to batter it in breach, should not
all have power to overthrow it.
Yorick, I said, picked up the chestnut which Phutatorius's
wrath had flung down — the action was trifling — I am
ashamed to account for it — he did it, for no reason, but
that he thought the chestnut not a jot worse for the adventure
— and that he held a good chestnut worth stooping for. —
But this incident, trifling as it was, wrought differently in
Phutatorius's head: He considered this act of Yorick's in get-
ting off his chair and picking up the chestnut, as a plain
acknowledgment in him, that the chestnut was originally
his — and in course, that it must have been the owner of the
chestnut, and no one else, who could have played him such a
prank with it: What greatly confirmed him in this opinion,
was this, that the table being parallelogramical and very
narrow, it afforded a fair opportunity for Yorick, who sat
directly over against Phutatorius, of slipping the chestnut
in — and consequently that he did it. The look of some-
thing more than suspicion, which Phutatorius cast full upon
Yorick as these thoughts arose, too evidently spoke his
opinion — and as Phutatorius was naturally supposed to
know more of the matter than any person besides, his opinion
at once became the general one; — and for a reason very
CHAP. 27 TRISTRAM SHANDY 291
different from any wliich have been yet given — in a little
time it was put out of all manner of dispute.
When great or unexpected events fall out upon the stage
of this sublunary world — the mind of man, which is an in-
quisitive kind of a substance, naturally takes a flight behind
the scenes to see what is the cause and first spring of them.
— The search was not long in this instance.
It was well known that Yorick had never a good opinion
of the treatise which Phutatorius had wrote de C oncubinis
retinendisy as a thing which he feared had done hurt in the
world — and 'twas easily found out, that there was a mysti-
cal meaning in "^'orick's prank — and that his chucking the
chestnut hot into Phutatorius's *** — *****^ ^jj5 ^ sarcasti-
cal fling at his book — the doctrines of which, they said, had
enflamed many an honest man in the same place.
This conceit awakened Somnolentus — made Agelastes
smile — and if you can recollect the precise look and air of
a man's face intent in finding out a riddle — it threw Gastri-
pheres's into that form — and in short was thought by many
to be a master-stroke of arch-wit.
This, as the reader has seen from one end to the other,
was as groundless as the dreams of philosophy: Yorick, no
doubt, as Shakespeare said of his ancestor — "was a man of
jest," but it was tempered with something which withheld
him from that, and many other ungracious pranks, of which
he as undeservedly bore the blame; — but it was his mis-
fortune all his life long to bear the imputation of saying
and doing a thousand things, of which (unless my esteem
blinds me) his nature was incapable. All I blame him for
— or rather, all I blame and alternately like him for, was
that singularity of his temper, which would never suffer him
to take pains to set a story right with the world, however in
his power. In every ill usage of that sort, he acted precisely
as in the affair of his lean horse — he could have explained
it to his honour, but his spirit was above it; and besides, he
292 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
ever looked upon the inventor, the propagator and believer
of an illiberal report alike so injurious to him — he could
not stoop to tell his story to them — and so trusted to time
and truth to do it for him.
This heroic cast produced him inconveniences in many
respects — in the present it was followed by the fixed resent-
ment of Phutatorius, who, as Yorick had just made an end
of his chestnut, rose up from his chair a second time, to let
him know it — which indeed he did with a smile; saying only
— that he would endeavour not to forget the obligation.
But you must mark and carefully separate and dis-
tinguish these two things in your mind.
— The smile was for the company.
• — The threat was for Yorick.
Chafter 28
— Can you tell me, quoth Phutatorius, speaking to Gas-
tripheres who sat next to him — for one would not apply to
a surgeon in so foolish an affair — can you tell me, Gas-
tripheres, what is best to take out the fire? — Ask Eugenius,
said Gastripheres. — That greatly depends, said Eugenius,
pretending ignorance of the adventure, upon the nature of
the part — If it is a tender part, and a part which can con-
veniently be wrapt up — It is both the one and the other,
replied Phutatorius, laying his hand as he spoke, with an
emphatical nod of his head, upon the part in question, and
lifting up his right leg at the same time to ease and ventilate
it. — If that is the case, said Eugenius, I would advise you,
Phutatorius, not to tamper with it by any means; but if you
will send to the next printer, and trust your cure to such a
simple thing as a soft sheet of paper just come off the press
— you need do nothing more than twist it round. — The
damp paper, quoth Yorick (who sat next to his friend
Eugenius) though I know it has a refreshing coolness in it
— yet I presume is no more than the vehicle — and that the
CHAP. 29 TRISTRAM SHANDY 293
oil and lamp-black with which the paper is so strongly im-
pregnated, docs the business. — Right, said Eugenius, and is,
of any outward application I would venture to recommend,
the most anodyne and safe.
Was it my case, said Gastripheres, as the main thing is
the oil and lamp-black, I should spread them thick upon a
rag, and clap it on directly. — That would make a very devil
of it, replied ^'orick. — And besides, added Eugenius, it
would not answer the intention, which is the extreme neat-
ness and elegance of the prescription, which the Faculty hold
to be half in half; — for consider, if the type is a very small
one (which it should be) the sanative particles, which come
into contact in this form, have the advantage of being
spread so infinitely thin, and with such a mathematical
equality (fresh paragraphs and large capitals excepted) as
no art or management of the spatula can come up to. — It
falls out very luckily, replied Phutatorius, that the second
edition of my treatise de Conciibinis retinendU is at this
instant in the press. — You may take any leaf of it, said
Eugenius — no matter which. — Provided, quoth Yorick,
there is no bawdry in it. —
They are just now, replied Phutatorius, printing off the
ninth chapter — which is the last chapter but one in the book.
— Pray what is the title of that chapter? said Yorick; mak-
ing a respectful bow to Phutatorius as he spoke. — I think, an-
swered Phutatorius, 'tis that de re conctibinaria.
For Heaven's sake keep out of that chapter, quoth Yorick.
— By all means — added Eugenius.
Chapter 29
— Now, quoth Didius, rising up, and laying his right hand
with his fingers spread upon his breast — had such a blunder
about a christian-name happened before the Reformation
— [It happened the day before yesterday, quoth my uncle
294 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
Toby to himself] and when baptism was administered in
Latin — ['Twas all in English, said my uncle] — many
things might have coincided with it, and upon the authority
of sundry decreed cases, to have pronounced the baptism
null, with a power of giving the child a new name. — Had
a priest, for instance, which was no uncommon thing,
through ignorance of the Latin tongue, baptized a child
of Tom-o'Stiles, in nomine fatriae ^ filia (d' sfiritum
sanctos — the baptism was held null. — I beg your pardon,
replied Kysarcius — in that case, as the mistake was only the
terminations, the baptism was valid — and to have rendered
it null, the blunder of the priest should have fallen upon
the first syllable of each noun — and not, as in your case,
upon the last.
My father delighted in subtleties of this kind, and lis-
tened with infinite attention.
Gastripheres, for example, continued Kysarcius, baptizes
a child of John Stradling's in Gamine gatris, etc. etc., in-
stead of in Nomine patris, etc. — is this a baptism? No —
say the ablest canonists; in as much as the radix of each
word is hereby torn up, and the sense of meaning of them
removed and changed quite to another object; for Gamine
does not signify a name, nor gatris a father. — What do they
signify? said my uncle Toby. — Nothing at all — quoth
Yorick. — Ergo, such a baptism is null, said Kysarcius. —
In course, answered Yorick, in a tone two parts jest and
one part earnest. —
But in the case cited, continued Kysarcius, where 'Patriae
is put for fatrisy fitia for filiiy and so on — as it is a fault
only in the declension, and the roots of the words continue
untouched, the inflections of their branches either this way
or that, does not in any sort hinder the baptism, inasmuch as
the same sense continues in the words as before. — But then,
said Didius, the intention of the priest's pronouncing them
CHAP. 29 TRISTRAM SHANDY 295
grammatically must have been proved to have gone along
with it. — Right, answered Kysarcius; and of this, brother
Didius, we have an instance in a decree of the decretals of
Pope Leo the Illd. — But my brother's child, cried my uncle
Toby, has nothing to do with the Pope — 'tis the plain child
of a Protestant gentleman, christened Tristram against the
wills and wishes both of his father and mother, and all who
are a-kin to it. —
If the wills and wishes, said Kysarcius, interrupting my
uncle Toby, of those onh who stand related to Mr. Shandv's
child, wt-re to have weight in this matter, Mrs. Shandy, of
all pcopir, ha.-, the kast to do in it. — My uncle Toby laid
down hi> pipe, and my father drew his chair still closer to
the tal-.le, to hear the conclusion of so strange an intro-
duction.
— It has not only been a question. Captain Shandy,
amongst the ^ best lawyers and civilians in this land, con-
tinued Kysarcius, "Whether the mother be of kin to her
child," — but, after much dispassionate enquiry and actita-
tion of the arguments on all sides — it has been adjudged for
the negative — namely, "That the nujther is not of kin to
her child," " My father instantly clapped his hand upon
my uncle Tobv's mouth, under colour of whispering in his
ear; — the truth was, he was alarmed for Lillabtillero — and
having a great desire to hear more of so curious an argument
— he begged mv uncle Toby, for Heaven's sake, not to
disappoint him in it. — My uncle Toby gave a nod — resumed
his pipe, and contenting himself with whistling Lillabidlcro
inwardly — Kysarcius, Didius, and Triptolemus went on
with the discourse as follows.
This determination, continued Kysarcius, how contrary
soever it may seem to run to the stream of vulgar ideas, yet
had reason strongly on its side; and has been put out of all
^ Vide Swinbum on Testaments, Part 7, § 8.
" Vide Brook, Abridg. Tit. Administr. N. 47.
296 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
manner of dispute from the famous case, known commonly
by the name of the Duke of Suffolk's case. — It is cited in
Brook, said Triptolemus — And taken notice of by Lord
Coke, added Didius. — And you may find it in Swinburn
on Testaments, said Kysarcius.
The case, Mr. Shandy, was this.
In the reign of Edward the Sixth, Charles duke of
Suffolk having issue a son by one venter, and a daughter
by another venter, made his last will, wherein he devised
goods to his son, and died; after whose death the son died
also — but without will, without wife, and without child — -
his mother and his sister by the father's side (for she was
born of the former venter) then living. The mother took
the administration of her son's goods, according to the statute
of the 2 1st of Harry the Eighth, whereby it is enacted. That
in case any person die intestate, the administration of his
goods shall be committed to the next of kin.
The administration being thus (surreptitiously) granted
to the mother, the sister by the father's side commenced a
suit before the Ecclesiastical Judge, alleging, ist, That she
herself was next of kin; and 2dly, That the mother was
not of kin at all to the party deceased; and therefore prayed
the court, that the administration granted to the mother
might be revoked, and be committed unto her, as next of
kin to the deceased, by force of the said statute.
Hereupon, as it was a great cause, and much depending
upon its issue — and many causes of great property likely to
be decided in times to come, by the precedent to be then
made — the most learned, as well in the laws of this realm,
as in the civil law, were consulted together, whether the
mother was of kin to her son, or no. — Whereunto not only
the temporal lawyers — but the church lawyers — the juris-
consulti — the juris-prudents — the civilians — the advocates
— the commissaries — the judges of the consistory and pre-
rogative courts of Canterburv and York, with the master of
CHAP. 29 TRISTRAM SHANDY 297
the faculties, were all uiianiinously of opinion, That the
mother was not of ' kin to her child. —
And what said the duchess of Suffolk to it? said my uncle
Toby.
The unexpectedness of my uncle Toby's question, con-
founded Kysarcius more than the ablest advocate — He
stopped a full minute, looking in my uncle Toby's face with-
out replying — and in that single minute Triptolemus put by
him, and took the lead as follows.
'Tis a ground and principle in the law, said Triptolemus,
that things do not ascend, but descend in it: and I make no
doubt 'tis for this cause, that however true it is, that the
child may be of the blood and seed of its parents — that the
parents, nevertheless, are not of the blood and seed of it;
inasmuch as the parents are not begot by the child, but the
child by the parents — For so they write, Libert sunt de san-
guine fatrls i^ matrlsy sed pater ^ mater non su?it de
sanguine liber orum.
— But this, Triptolemus, cried Didius, proves too much
— for from this authority cited it would follow, not only
what indeed is granted on all sides, that the mother is not
of kin to her child — but the father likewise. — It is held,
said Triptolemus, the better opinion; because the father,
the mother, and the child, though they be three persons, yet
are they but {una caro') one flesh; and consequently no
degree of kindred — or any method of acquiring one in
nature. — There you push the argument again too far, cried
Didius — for there is no prohibition in nature, though there
is in the Levitical law — but that a man may beget a child
upon his grandmother — in which case, supposing the issue a
daughter, she would stand in relation both of — But who
ever thought, cried Kysarcius, of lying with his grand-
^ Mater non numeratur inter consanguineos, Bald, in ult. C. de
Verb, signific.
- Vide Brook, Abridg. tit. Administr. N. 47.
298 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
mother? — The young gentleman, replied Yon'ck, whom
Selden speaks of — who not only thought of it, but justified
his intention to his father by the argument drawn from the
law of retaliation. — "You lay. Sir, with my mother," said
the lad — "why may not I lie with yours?" — 'Tis the Ar-
gumentum commune^ added Yon'ck. — 'Tis as good, replied
Eugenius, taking dov/n his hat, as they deserve.
The company broke up.
Chafter jo
— And pray, said my uncle Toby, leaning upon Yorick, as
he and my father were helping him leisurely down the
stairs — don't be terrified, madam, this stair-case conversa-
tion is not so long as the last — And pray, Yorick, said my
uncle Toby, which way is this said affair of Tristram at
length settled by these learned men? Very satisfactorily,
replied Yorick; no mortal. Sir, has any concern with it —
for Mrs. Shandy the mother is nothing at all a-kin to him
— and as the mother's is the surest side — Mr. Shandy, in
course, is still less than nothing — In short, he is not as much
a-kin to him. Sir, as I am. —
— That may well be, said my father, shaking his head.
— Let the learned say what they will, there must cer-
tainly, quoth my uncle Toby, have been some sort of con-
sanguinity betwixt the duchess of Suffolk and her son.
The vulgar are of the same opinion, quoth Yorick, to
this hour.
Chafter 5/
Though my father was hugely tickled with the subtleties
of these learned discourses — 'twas still but like the anointing
of a broken bone — The moment he got home, the weight of
his afflictions returned upon him but so much the heavier,
as is ever the case when the staff we lean on slips from under
us. — He became pensive — walked frequently forth to the
CHAP. 31 TRISTRAM SHANDY 299
fish-pond — let down one loop of his hat — sighed often —
forbore to snap — and, as the hasty sparks of temper, which
occasion snapping, so much assist perspiration and digestion,
as Hippocrates tells us — he had certainly fallen ill with the
extinction of them, had not his thoughts heen criticall)
drawn off, and his health rescued bv a fresh train of dis-
quietudes left him, with a legacy of a thousand pounds, by
my aunt Dinah.
My father had scarce read the letter, when taking the
thing by the right end, he instantly began to plague and
puzzle his head how to lay it out mostly to the honour of
his family. — A hundrcd-and-fifty odd projects took pos-
session of his brains by turns — he would do this, and that,
and t'other — He would go to Rome — he would go to law
— he would buy stock — he would buy John Hobson's farm
— he would new forefront his house, and add a new wing
to make it even — There was a fine water-mill on this side,
and he would build a wind-mill on the other side of the
river in full view to answer it — But above all things in the
world, he would enclose the great Ox-moor, and send out
my brother Bobby immediately upon his travels.
But as the sum was finite, and consequently could not do
every thing — and in truth very few of these to any purpose
— of all the projects which offered themselves upon this
occasion, the two last seemed to make the deepest impres-
sion; and he would infallibly have determined upon both
at once, but for the small inconvenience hinted at above,
which absolutely put him under a necessity of deciding in
favour either of the one or the other.
This was not altogether so easy to be done; for though
'tis certain my father had long before set his heart upon this
necessary part of my brother's education, and like a prudent
man had actually determined to carry it into execution, with
the first money that returned from the second creation of
actions in the Mississippi-scheme, in which he was an adven-
300 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
turer — yet the Ox-moor, which was a fine, large, whinny,
undrained, unimproved common, belonging to the Shandy-
estate, had almost as old a claim upon him: he had long
and affectionately set his heart upon turning it likewise
to some account.
But having never hitherto been pressed with such a con-
juncture of things, as made it necessary to settle either the
priority or justice of their claims — like a wise man he had
refrained entering into any nice or critical examination
ab"uut them: so that upon the dismission of every other project
at this crisis — the two old projects, the Ox-moor and my
Brother, divided him again ; and so equal a match were
they for each other, as to become the occasion of no small
contest in the old gentleman's mind — which of the two
should be set o'going first.
— People may laugh as they will — but the case was this.
It had ever been the custom of the family, and by length
of time was almost become a matter of common right, that
the eldest son of it should have free ingress, egress, and
regress into foreign parts before marriage — not only for
the sake of bettering his own private parts, by the benefit of
exercise and change of so much air — but simply for the
mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his
cap, of having been abroad — tantuni valety my father would
say, quantum sonat.
Now as this was a reasonable, and in course a most chris-
tian indulgence — to deprive him of it, without why or
wherefore — and thereby make an example of him, as the
first Shandy unwhirled about Europe in a post-chaise, and
only because he was a heavy lad — would be using him ten
times worse than a Turk.
On the other hand, the case of the Ox-moor was full as
hard.
Exclusive of the original purchase-money, which was
eight hundred pounds — it had cost the family eight hundred
CHAP. 31 TRISTRAM SHANDY 301
pounds more in a law-suit about fifteen years before — be-
sides the Lord knows what trouble and vexation.
It had been moreover in possession of the Shandy-family
ever since the middle of the last century; and though it lay
full in view before the house, bounded on one extremity by
the water-mill, and on the other by the projected wind-mill
spoken of above — and for all these reasons seemed to have
the fairest title of any part of the estate to the care and
protection of the family — yet by an unaccountable fatality,
common to men, as well as the ground thev tread on — it had
all along most shamefully been overlooked; and to speak
the truth of it, had suffered so much by it, that it would have
made any man's heart have bled (Obadiah said) who under-
stood the value of the land, to have rode over it, and only
seen the condition it was in.
However, as neither the purchasing this tract of ground
— nor indeed the placing of it where it lay, were either of
them, properly speaking, of my father's doing — he had never
thought himself any way concerned in the affair — till the
fifteen years before, when the breaking out of that cursed
law-suit mentioned above (and which had arose about its
boundaries) — which being altogether my father's own act
and deed, it naturally awakened every other argument in
its favour, and upon summing them all up together, he saw,
not merely in interest, but in honour, he was bound to do
something for it — and that now or never was the time.
I think there must certainly have been a mixture of ill-
luck in it, that the reasons on both sides should happen to be
so equally balanced by each other; for though my father
weighed them in all humours and conditions — spent many an
anxious hour in the most profound and abstracted meditation
upon what was best to be done — reading books of farming
one day — books of travels another — laying aside all passion
whatever — viewing the arguments on both sides in all their
lights and circumstances — communing every day with my
302 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
uncle Toby — arguing with Yorick, and talking over the
whole affair of the Ox-moor with Obadiah — yet nothing
in all that time appeared so strongly in behalf of the one,
which was not either strictly applicable to the other, or at
least so far counterbalanced by some consideration of equal
weight, as to keep the scales even.
For to be sure, with proper helps, and in the hands of
some people, tho' the Ox-moor would undoubtedly have
made a different appearance in the world from what it did,
or ever could do in the condition it lay — yet every tittle of
this was true, with regard to my brother Bobby — let Obadiah
say what he would. —
In point of interest — the contest, I own, at first sight,
did not appear so undecisive betwixt them; for whenever
my father took pen and ink in hand, and set about calculat-
ing the simple expense of paring and burning, and fencing
in the Ox-moor, etc. etc. — with the certain profit it would
bring him in return — the latter turned out so prodigiously
in his way of working the account, that you would have
sworn the Ox-moor would have carried all before it. For
it was plain he should reap a hundred lasts of rape, at twenty
pounds a last, the very first year — besides an excellent crop
of wheat the year following — and the year after that, to
speak within bounds, a hundred — but in all likelihood, a
hundred and fifty — if not two hundred quarters of pease
and beans — besides potatoes without end. — But then, to think
he was all this while breeding up my brother, like a hog to
eat them — knocked all on the head again, and generally left
the old gentleman in such a state of suspense — that, as he
often declared to my uncle Toby — he knew no more than
his heels what to do.
No body, but he who has felt it, can conceive what a
plaguing thing it is to have a man's mind torn asunder by
two projects of equal strength, both obstinately pulling in a
contrary direction at the same time: for to say nothing of
CHAP. 32 TRISTRAM SHANDY 303
the havoc, whicli b\- a certain consequence is unavoidably
made by it all over the finer system of the nerves, which
you know convey the animal spirits and more subtle juices
from the heart to the head, and so on — it is not to be told in
what a degree such a wayward kind of friction works upon
the more gross and solid parts, wasting the fat and impairing
the strength of a man every time as it goes backwards and
forwards.
My father had certainly sunk under this evil, as cer-
tainly as he had done under that of my Christian name —
had he not been rescued out of it, as he was out of that, by
a fresh evil — the misfortune of my brother Bobby's death.
What is the life of man! Is it not to shift from side
to side? — from sorrow to sorrow: — to button up one cause
of vexation — and unbutton another?
Chapter J2
From this moment I am to be considered as heir-apparent
to the Shandy family — and it is from this point properly,
that the story of my Life and my Opinions sets out. With
all my hurr)- and precipitation, I have but been clearing the
ground to raise the building — and such :i building do I
foresee it will turn out, as never was planned, and as never
was executed since Adam. In less than five minutes I shall
have thrown my pen into the fire, and the little drop of thick
ink which is left remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn,
after it — I have but half a score things to do in the time — I
have a thing to name — a thing to lament — a thing to hope —
a thing to promise, and a thing to threaten — I have a thing to
suppose — a thing to declare — a thing to conceal — a thing to
choose, and a thing to pray for — This chapter, therefore,
I name the chapter of Things — and my next chapter to it,
that is, the first chapter of my next volume, if I live, shall
be my chapter upon Whiskers, in order to keep up some
sort of connection in mv works.
304 TRISTRAM SHANDY book iv
The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so
thick upon me, that I have not been able to get into that
part of my work, towards which I have all the way looked
forwards, with so much earnest desire ; and that is the Cam-
paigns, but especially the amours of my uncle Toby, the
events of which are of so singular a nature, and so Cervantic
a cast, that if I can so manage it, as to convey but the same
impressions to every other brain, which the occurrences
themselves excite in my own — I will answer for it the book
shall make its way in the world, much better than its master
has done before it. — Oh Tristram! Tristram! can this but
be once brought about — the credit, which will attend thee
as an author, shall counterbalance the many evils which
have befallen thee as a man — thou wilt feast upon the
one — when thou hast lost all sense and remembrance of
the other! —
No wonder I itch so much as I do, to get at these amours
— They are the choicest morsel of my whole story! and
when I do get at 'em — assure yourselves, good folks — (nor
do I value whose squeamish stomach takes offence at it)
I shall not be at all nice in the choice of my words! — and
that's the thing I have to declare. — I shall never get all
through in five minutes, that I fear — and the thing I hope is,
that your worships and reverences are not offended — if you
are, depend upon't I'll give you something, my good gentry,
next year to be offended at — that's my dear Jenny's way
— but who my Jenny is — and which is the right and which
the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be concealed — it
shall be told you in the next chapter but one to my chapter
of Button-holes — and not one chapter before.
And now that you have just got to the end of these four
volumes — the thing I have to ask is, how you feel your
heads? my own aches dismally! — as for your healths, I
know, they are much better. — True Shandyism, think what
you will against it, opens the heart and lungs, and like all
CHAP. 32 TRISTRAM SHANDY 305
those affections which partake of its nature, it forces the
blood and other vital fluids of the body to run freely
through its channels, makes the wheel of life run long and
cheerfully round.
Was I left, like Sancho Pan^a, to choose my kingdom, it
should not be maritime — or a kingdom of blacks to make
a penny of; — no, it should be a kingdom of hearty^ laughing
subjects: And as the bilious and more saturnine passions, by
creating disorders in the blood and humours, have as bad
an influence, I see, upon the body politic as body natural —
and as nothing but a habit of virtue can fully govern those
passions, and subject them to reason — I should add to my
prayer — that God would give my subjects grace to be as
wise as they are merry; and then should I be the happiest
monarch, and they the happiest people under heaven.
And so, with this moral for the present, may it please
vour worships and your reverences, I take my leave of you
till this time twelve-month, when, (unless this vile cough
kills me in the mean time) I'll have another pluck at your
beards, and lay open a story to the world you little dream of.
TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE
JOHN,
LORD VISCOUNT SPENCER
MY LORD,
I HUMBLY beg leave to offer you these two Volumes; *
they are the best my talents, with such bad health as I
have, could produce: — had Providence granted me a larger
stock of either, they had been a much more proper present
to your Lordship.
I beg your Lordship will forgive me, if, at the same time
T dedicate this work to you, I join Lady Spencer, in the
liberty I take of inscribing the story of Le Fever to her
name; for which I have no other motive, which my heart
has informed me of, but that the story is a humane one.
/ am, My Lord,
Your Lordshif's most devoted
and most humble Servant,
LAUR. STERNE.
* [i.e. Volumes V. and VI. in original Edition.]
THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF
TRISTRAM SHANDY
GENTLEMAN
Di.xero si quid forte jocosius, hoc mihi juris
Cum venia dabis.. — HoR.
-Si quis calumnietur levius esse quam decet theologum, aut morda-
cius quam deceat Christianum — non Ego, sed Democritus dixit. —
Erasmus.
BOOK V
Chapter i
Tf it had not been for those two mettlesome tits, and that
madcap of a postillion who drove them from Stilton to
Stamford, the thought had never entered my head. He
flew like lightning — there was a slope of three miles and a
half — we scarce touched the ground — the motion was most
rapid — most impetuous — 'twas communicated to mv brain
— mv heart partook of it — "By the great God of day," said
I, looking towards the sun, and thrusting my arm out of
the fore-window of the chaise, as I made my vow, "I will
lock up my study-door the moment I get home, and throw
the key of it ninety feet below the surface of the earth, into
the draw-well at the back of mv house."
The London waggon confirmed me in mv resolution; it
hung tottering upon the hill, scarce progressive, dragged —
dragged up by eight heavy beasts — "by main strength! —
quoth I, nodding — but your betters draw the same way — and
something of everybody's! — O rare!"
Tell me, ye learned, shall we for ever be adding so much
to the bulk — so little to the stock?
Shall we for ever make new books, as apothecaries make
new mixtures, by pouring only out of one vessel into an-
other?
Are we for ever to be twisting, and untwisting the same
rope? for ever in the same track — for ever at the same
pace ?
Shall we be destined to the days of eternity, on holy-
days, as well as working-days, to be shewing the relics of
learning, as monks do the relics of their saints — without
working one — one single miracle with them?
309
310 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
Who made Man, with powers which dart hfm from earth
to heaven in a moment — that great, that most excellent, and
most noble creature of the world — the miracle of nature, as
Zoroaster in his book nepi <p'jaz(j}C called him — the Skekinah
of the divine presence, as Chrysostom — the image of God,
as Moses — the ray of divinity, as Plato — the marvel of mar-
vels, as Aristotle — to go sneaking on at this pitiful — ^pimp-
ing — pettifogging rate?
I scorn to be as abusive as Horace upon the occasion —
but if there is no catachresis in the wish, and no sin in it, I
wish from my soul, that every imitator in Great Britain,
France, and Ireland, had the farcy for his pains; and that
there was a good farcical house, large enough to hold — aye
— and sublimate them, shag rag and bobtail, male and
female, all together: and this leads me to the affair of
Whiskers — but, by what chain of ideas — I leave as a legacy
in mort-main to Prudes and Tartufs, to enjoy and make
the most of.
Upon Whiskers
I'm sorry I made it — 'twas as inconsiderate a promise as
ever entered a man's head — A chapter upon whiskers! alas!
the world will not bear it — 'tis a delicate world — but I knew
not of what mettle it was made — nor had I ever seen the
under-written fragment; otherwise, as surely as noses are
noses, and whiskers are whiskers still (let the world say what
it will to the contrary) ; so surely would I have steered clear
of this dangerous chapter.
The Fragment
**********
**********
— You are half asleep, my good lady, said the old gentle-
man, taking hold of the old lady's hand, and giving it a
gentle squeeze, as he pronounced the word Whiskers — shall
CHAP. I TRISTRAM SHANDY 311
we change the subject? By no means, replied the old lady —
I like your account of those matters; so throwing a thin
gauze handkerchief over her head, and leaning it back upon
the chair with her face turned towards him, and advancing
her'two feet as she reclined herself — I desire, continued she,
you will go on.
The old gentleman went on as follows: — Whiskers!
cried the queen of Navarre, dropping her knotting ball, as
La Fosseuse uttered the word — Whiskers, madam, said La
Fosseuse, pinning the ball to the queen's apron, and making
a courtesy as she repeated it.
La Fosseuse 's voice was naturally soft and low, yet 'twas
an articulate voice: and every letter of the word Whiskers
fell distinctly upon the queen of Navarre's ear — Whiskers!
cried the queen, laying a greater stress upon the word, and
as if she had still distrusted her ears — Whiskers! replied La
Fosseuse, repeating the word a third time — There is not a
cavalier, madam, of his age in Navarre, continued the maid
of honour, pressing the page's interest upon the queen, that
has so gallant a pair — Of what, cried Margaret, smiling —
Of whiskers, said La Fosseuse, with infinite modesty.
The word Whiskers still stood its ground, and continued
to be made use of in most of the best companies throughout
the little kingdom of Navarre, notwithstanding the indis-
creet use which La Fosseuse had made of it: the truth was.
La Fosseuse had pronounced the word, not only before the
queen, but upon sundry other occasions at court, with an
accent which always implied something of a mystery —
And as the court of Margaret, as all the world knows, was
at that time a mixture of gallantry and devotion — and
whiskers being as applicable to the one, as the other, the
word naturally stood its ground — it gained full as much as
it lost; that is, the clergy were for it — the laity were against
it — and for the women, — they were divided.
The excellency of the figure and mien of the young Sieur
312 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
De Croix, was at that time beginning to draw the attention
of the maids of honour towards the terrace before the palace
gate, where the guard was mounted. The lady De Baussiere
fell deeply in love with him, — La Battarelle did the same —
it was the finest weather for it, that ever was remembered in
Navarre — La Guyol, La Maronette, La Sabatiere, fell in
love with the Sieur De Croix also — La Rebours and La
Fosseuse knew better — De Croix had failed in an attempt
to recommend himself to La Rebours; and La Rebours and
La Fosseuse were inseparable.
The queen of Navarre was sitting with her ladies in the
painted bow-window, facing the gate of the second court, as
De Croix passed through it — He is handsome, said the Lady
Baussiere. — He has a good mien, said La Battarelle — He is
finely shaped, said La Buyol — I never saw an officer of the
horse-guards in my life, said La Maronette, with two such
legs — Or who stood so well upon them, said La Sabatiere —
But he has no whiskers, cried La Fosseuse — Not a pile, said
La Rebours.
The queen went directly to her oratory, musing all the
way, as she walked through the gallery, upon the subject;
turning it this way and that way in her fancy — Ave Maria f
— what can La Fosseuse mean? said she, kneeling down
upon the cushion.
La Guyol, La Battarelle, La Maronette, La Sabatiere,
retired instantly to their chambers — Whiskers! said all four
of them to themselves, as they bolted their doors on the
inside.
The Lady Carnavallette was counting her beads with
both hands, unsuspected, under her farthingale — from St.
Anthony down to St. Ursula inclusive, not a saint passed
through her fingers without whiskers; St. Francis, St. Domi-
nic, St. Bennet, St. Basil, St. Bridget, had all whiskers.
The Lady Baussiere had got into a wilderness of con-
ceits, with moralizing too intricately upon La Fosseuse*s
CHAP. I TRISTRAM SHANDY 313
text — She mounted her palfrey, her page followed her— -
the host passed by — The Lady Baussiere rode on.
One denier, cried the order of mercy — one single denier,
in behalf of a thousand patient captives, whose eyes loolc
towards heaven and you for their redemption.
— The Lady Baussiere rode on.
Pity the unhappy, said a devout, venerable, hoary-headed
man, meekly holding up a box, begirt with iron, in his with-
ered hands — I beg for the unfortunate — good my Lady,
'tis for a prison — for an hospital — 'tis for an old man — a
poor man undone by shipwreck, by suretyship, by fire — I call
God and all his angels to witness — 'tis to clothe the naked —
to feed the hungry — 'tis to comfort the sick and the broken-
hearted.
The Lady Baussiere rode on.
A decayed kinsman bowed himself to the ground.
— The Lady Baussiere rode on.
He ran begging bare-headed on one side of her palfrey,
conjuring her by the former bonds of friendship, alliance,
consanguinity, etc. — Cousin, aunt, sister, mother, — for vir-
tue's sake, for your own, for mine, for Christ's sake, re-
member me — pity me.
— The Lady Baussiere rode on.
Take hold of my whiskers, said the Lady Baussiere. —
The page took hold of her palfrey. She dismounted at the
end of the terrace.
There are some trains of certain ideas which leave prints
of themsehes about our eyes and eye-brows; and there is a
consciousness of it, somewhere about the heart, which serves
but to make these etchings the stronger — we see, spell, and
put them together without a dictionary.
Ha, ha! he, heel cried La Guyol and La Sabatiere, look-
ing close at each other's prints — Ho, ho! cried La Battarelle
and Maronette, doing the same: — Whist! cried one — st, st,
— said a second — hush, quoth a third — poo, poo, replied a
314 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
fourth — gramercy! cried the Lady Carnavallette; — 'twas
she who bewhiskered St. Bridget.
La Fosseuse drew her bodkin from the knot of her hair,
and having traced the outh'ne of a small whisker, with the
blunt end of it, upon one side of her upper lip, put it into
La Rebours' hand — La Rebours shook her head.
The Lady Baussiere coughed thrice into the inside of her
muff — La Guyol smiled — Fy, said the Lady Baussiere. The
queen of Navarre touched her eye with the tip of her fore-
finger — as much as to say, I understand you all.
'Twas plain to the whole court the word was ruined: La
Fosseuse had given it a wound, and it was not the better for
passing through all these defiles — It made a faint stand,
however, for a few months, by the expiration of which, the
Sieur De Croix, finding it high time to leave Navarre for
want of whiskers — the word in course became indecent, and
(after a few efforts) absolutely unfit for use.
The best word, in the best language of the best world,
must have suffered under such combinations. — The curate
of d'Estella wrote a book against them, setting forth the
dangers of accessory ideas, and warning the Navarois against
them.
Does not all the world know, said the curate d'Estella at
tlie conclusion of his work, that Noses ran the same fate
some centuries ago in most parts of Europe, which Whiskers
have now done in the kingdom of Navarre? — The evil
indeed spread no farther then — but have not beds and bolsters,
and nightcaps and chamber-pots stood upon the brink of
destruction ever since P Are not trouse, and placket-holes,
and pump-handles — -and spigots and faucets, in danger still
from the same association — Chastity, by nature, the gentlest
of all affections — give it but its head — 'tis like a ramping
and a roaring lion.
The drift of the curate d'Estella's argument was not
understood. — They ran the scent the wrong way. — The
CHAP. 2 'IRIS'IR AM SHANDY' 315
world bridled his ass at the tail. — And when the extremes
of delicacy, and the beginnings of concupiscence, hold their
next provincial chapter together, they may decree that
bawdy also.
Chapter 2
When my father received the letter which brought him the
melancholy account of my brother Bobby's death, he was
busy calculating the expense of his riding post from Calais
to Paris, and so on to Lyons.
'Twas a most inauspicious journey; my father having had
every foot of it to travel over again, and his calculation to
begin afresh, when he had almost got to the end of it, bv
Obadiah's opening the door to acquaint him the family was
out of yeast — and to ask whether he might not take the great
coach-horse early in the morning and ride in search of some.
— With all my heart, Obadiah, said my father (pursuing his
journey) — take the coach-horse, and welcome. — But he
wants a shoe, poor crature! said Obadiah. — Poor creature!
said my uncle Tobv, vibrating the note back again, like a
string in unison. Then ride the Scotch horse, quoth my
father hastily. — He cannot bear a saddle upon his back,
quoth Obadiah, for the whole world. — The devil's in that
horse; then take Patriot, cried my father, and shut the door.
- — Patriot is sold, said Obadiah. Here's for you! cried my
father, making a pause, and looking in my uncle Toby's
face, as if the thing had not been a matter of fact. — Your
worship ordered me to sell him last April, said Obadiah. —
Then go on foot for vour pains, cried my father — I had
much rather walk than ride, said Obadiah, shutting the door.
What plagues, cried my father, going on with his calcu-
lation. — But the waters are out, said Obadiah, — opening the
door again.
Till that moment, my father, who had a map of Sanson's,
3i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
and a book of the post-roads before him, liad kept his hand
upon the head of his compasses, with one foot of them fixed
upon Nevers, the last stage he had paid for — purposing to
go on from that point with his journey and calculation, as
soon as Obadiah quitted the room: but this second attack of
Obadiah's, in opening the door and laying the whole country
under water, was too much. — He let go his compasses — or
rather with a mixed motion between accident and anger, he
threw them upon the table; and then there was nothing for
him to do, but to return back to Calais (like many others) as
wise as he had set out.
When the letter was brought into the parlour, which
contained the news of my brother's death, my father had got
forwards again upon his journey to within a stride of the
compasses of the very same stage of Nevers. — By your leave,
Mons. Sanson, cried my father, striking the point of his com-
passes through Nevers into the table — and nodding to my
uncle Toby to see what was in the letter — twice of one night,
is too much for an English gentleman and his son, Mons,
Sanson, to be turned back from so lousy a town as Nevers —
What think'st thou, Toby? added my father in a sprightly
tone. — Unless it be a garrison town, said my uncle Toby —
for then — I shall be a fool, said my father, smiling to him-
self, as long as I live. — So giving a second nod — and keeping
his compasses still upon Nevers with one hand, and holding
his book of the post-roads in the other — half calculating and
half listening, he leaned forwards upon the table with both
elbows, as my uncle Toby hummed over the letter.
he's gone! said my uncle Toby.
— Where — Who? cried my father. — My nephew, said my
uncle ']^)bv. — What — without leave — without money —
CHAP. 3 TRISTRAM SHANDY' 317
without governor: crit-d my father in amazement. No: —
he is dead, my dear brother, quoth my uncle Toby. — With-
out being ill: cried mv father again. — I dare say not, said
my uncle Toby, in a low voice, and fetching a deep sigh
from the bottom of his heart, he has been ill enough, poor
lad! I'll answer for him — for he is dead.
When Agrippina was told of her son's death, Tacitus in-
forms us, that, not being able to moderate the violence of
her passions, she abruptly broke off her work. — My father
stuck his compasses into Nevers, but so much the faster. —
What contrarieties! his, indeed, was matter of calculation! —
Agrippina's must have been quite a different affair; who
else could pretend to reason from history?
How my father went on, in my opinion, deserves a chap-
ter to itself. —
Chapter j
And a chapter it shall have, and a devil of a one too
— so look to yourselves.
'Tis either Plato, or Plutarch, or Seneca, or Xenophon, or
Epictetus, or Theophrastus, or Lucian — or some one perhaps
of later date — either Cardan, or Budaeus, or Petrarch, or
Stella — or possibly it may be some divine or father of the
church, St. Austin, or St. Cyprian, or Bernard, who affirms
that it is an irresistible and natural passion to weep for tlic
loss of our friends or children — and Seneca {I'm positive)
tells us somewhere, that such griefs evacuate themselves
best by that particular channel — And accordingly wc find,
that David wept for his son Absalom — Adrian for his An-
tinous — Niobe for her children, and that Apollodorus and
Crito both shed tears for Socrates before his death.
My father managed his affliction otherwise; and indeed
differently from most men either ancient or modern; for he
neither wept it away, as the Hebrews and the Romans — or
slept it off, as the Laplanders — or hanged it, as the English,
3i8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
or drowned it, as the Germans — nor did he curse it, or damn
it, or excommunicate it, or rhyme it, or lillabullero it, —
— He got rid of it, however.
Will your worships give me leave to squeeze in a story
between these two pages?
When Tully was bereft of his dear daughter Tullia, at
first he laid it to his heart, — he listened to the voice of
nature, and modulated his own unto it. — O my Tullia! my
daughter! my child! — still, still, still, — 'twas O my Tullia!
— my Tullia! Methinks I see my Tullia, I hear my Tullia,
I talk with my Tullia. — But as soon as he began to look
into the stores of philosophy, and consider how many ex-
cellent things might be said upon the occasion — no body
upon earth can conceive, says the great orator, how happy,
how joyful it made me.
My father was as proud of his eloquence as Marcus Tul-
lius Cicero could be for his life, and, for aught I am con-
vinced of to the contrary at present, with as much reason : it
was indeed his strength — and his weakness too. — His
strength — for he was by nature eloquent; and his weakness
— for he was hourly a dupe to it ; and, provided an occasion
in life would but permit him to shew his talents, or say
either a wise thing, a witty, or a shrewd one — (bating the
case of a systematic misfortune) — he had all he wanted. — A
blessing which tied up my father's tongue, and a misfortune
which let it loose with a good grace, were pretty equal: some-
times, indeed, the misfortune was the better of the two; for
instance, where the pleasure of the harangue was as ten, and
the pain of the misfortune but as five — my father gained
half in half, and consequently was as well again oflF, as if it
had never befallen him.
This clue will unravel what otherwise would seem very
inconsistent in my father's domestic character; and it is this,
that, in the provocations arising from the neglects and blun-
ders of servants, or other mishaps unavoidable in a family,
CHAP. 3 TRISTRAM SHANDY 319
his anger, or rather the duration of it, eternally ran counter
to all conjecture.
My father had a favourite little mare, which he had con-
signed over to a most beautiful Arabian horse, in order to
have a pad out of her for his own riding: he was sanguine
in all his projects; so talked about his pad every day with
as absolute a security, as if it had been reared, broke, — and
bridled and saddled at his door ready for mounting. By
some neglect or other in Obadiah, it so fell out, that my
father's expectations were answered with nothing better than
a mule, and as ugly a beast of the kind as ever was produced.
My mother and my uncle Toby expected my father would
be the death of Obadiah — and that there never would be an
end of the disaster. — See here! you rascal, cried my father,
pointing to the mule, what you have done! — It was not me,
said Obadiah. — How do I know that? replied my father.
Triumph swam in my father's eyes, at the repartee — the
Attic salt brought water into them — and so Obadiah heard
no more about it.
Now let us go back to my brother's death.
Philosophy has a fine saying for every thing. — For Death
it has an entire set; the misery was, they all at once rushed
into my father's head, that 'twas difficult to string them
together, so as to make any thing of a consistent show out
of them. — He took them as they came.
" 'Tis an inevitable chance — the first statute in Magna
Charta — it is an everlasting act of parliament, my dear
brother, — All must die.
"If my son could not have died, it had been matter of
wonder, — not that he is dead.
"Monarchs and princes dance in the same ring with us.
" — To die, is the great debt and tribute due unto nature:
tombs and monuments, which should perpetuate our mem-
ories, pay it themselves; and the proudest pyramid of them
all, which wealth and science have erected, has lost its apex,
320 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
and stands obtruncated in the traveller's horizon." (My
father found he got great case, and went on) — "Kingdoms
and provinces, and towns and cities, have they not their
periods? and when those principles and powers, which at first
cemented and put them together, have performed their sev-
eral evolutions, they fall back." — Brother Shandy, said mA'
uncle Toby, laying down his pipe at the word evolutions —
Revolutions, I meant, quoth my father, — by heaven ! I meant
revolutions, brother Toby — evolutions is nonsense. — 'Tis not
nonsense — said my uncle Toby. — But is it not nonsense to
break the thread of such a discourse upon such an occasion?
cried my father — do not — dear Toby, continued he, taking
him by the hand, do not — do not, I beseech thee, interrupt
me at this crisis. — My uncle Toby put his pipe into his mouth.
"Where is Troy and Mycenae, and Thebes and Delos, and
Persepolis and Agrigentum?" — continued my father, taking
up his book of post-roads, which he had laid down. — "What
is become, brother Toby, of Nineveh and Babylon, of Cizi-
cum and Mitylenae? The fairest towns that ever the sun
rose upon, are now no more; the names only are left, and
those (for many of them are wrong spelt) are falling them-
selves by piece-meals to decay, and in length of time will be
forgotten, and involved with every thing in a perpetual
night: the world itself, brother Toby, must — must come to
an end.
"Returning out of Asia, when I sailed from Aegina
towards Megara," (when can this have been? thought my
uncle Toby) "I began to view the country round about.
Aegina was behind me, Megara was before, Pyraeus on the
right hand, Corinth on the left. — What flourishing towns
now prostrate- upon the earth! Alas! alas! said I to myself,
that man should disturb his soul for the loss of a child, when
so much as this lies awfully buried in his presence — Re-
member, said I to myself again — remember thou art a
man." —
CHAP. 3 TRISTRAM SHAND\' 321
Now my uncle Toby knew not that this last paragraph
was an extract of Servius Sulpicius's consolatory letter to
Tully. — He had as little skill, honest man, in the fragments,
as he had in the whole pieces of antiquity. — And as my
father, whilst he was concerned in the Turkey trade, had
been three or four different times in the Levant, in one of
which he had stayed a whole year and a half at Zant, mv
uncle Toby naturally concluded, that, in some one of these
periods, he had taken a trip across the Archipelago into Asia;
and that all this sailing affair with Aegina behind, and
Megara before, and Pyraeus on the right hand, etc. etc.,
was nothing more than the true course of my father's voyage
and reflections. — 'Twas certainly in his manner, and many
an undertaking critic would have built two stories higher
upon worse foundations. — And pray, brother, quoth my
uncle Toby, laying the end of his pipe upon my father's
hand in a kindly way of interruption — but waiting till he
finished the account — what year of our Lord was this? —
'Twas no year of our Lord, replied my father. — That's im-
possible, cried my uncle Toby. — Simpleton! said mv father,
— 'twas forty years before Christ was born.
My uncle Tob)- had but two things for it; either to sup-
pose his brother to be the wandering Jew, or that his mis-
fortunes had disordered his brain. — "May the Lord God of
heaven and earth protect him and restore him," said my uncle
Toby, praying silently for my father, and with tears in
his eyes.
— My father placed the tears to a proper account, and
went on with his harangue with great spirit.
"'J'here is not such great odds, brother Toby, betwixt good
and evil, as the world imagines" — (this way of setting off,
by the bye, was not likely to cure my uncle Toby's sus-
picions.) — "Labour, sorrow, grief, sickness, want, and woe,
are the sauces of life." — Much good may it do them — said
mv uncle Tobv to himself. —
322 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
"My son is dead — so much the better; — 'tis a shame in
such a tempest to have but one anchor."
"But he is gone for ever from us — be it so. He is got
from under the hands of his barber before he was bald — he
is but risen from a feast before he w^as surfeited- — from a
banquet before he had got drunken."
"The Thracians wept when a child was born" — (and we
were very near it, quoth my uncle Toby) — "and feasted and
made merry when a man went out of the world; and with
reason. — Death opens the gate of fame, and shuts the gate
of envy after it, — it unlooses the chain of the captive, and
puts the bondsman's task into another man's hands."
"Shew me the man, who knows what life is, who dreads
it, and I'll shew thee a prisoner who dreads his liberty."
Is it not better, my dear brother Toby, (for mark — our
appetites are but diseases) — is it not better not to hunger at
all, than to eat? — not to thirst, than to take physic to cure itp
Is it not better to be freed from cares and agues, from
love and melancholy, and the other hot and cold fits of life,
than, like a galled traveller, who comes weary to his inn, to
be bound to begin his journey afresh?
There is no terror, brother Toby, in its looks, but what it
borrows from groans and convulsions — and the blowing of
noses and the wiping away of tears with the bottoms of cur-
tains, in a dying man's room. — Strip it of these, what is it? —
'Tis better in battle than in bed, said my uncle Toby. — Take
away its hearses, its mutes, and its mourning, — its plumes,
scutcheons, and other mechanic aids — What is it? — Better in
battle! continued my father, smiling, for he had absolutely
forgot my brother Bobby — 'tis terrible no way — for con-
sider, brother Toby, — when we are — death is not; — and
when death is — we are not. My uncle Toby laid down his
pipe to consider the proposition ; my father's eloquence was
too rapid to stay for any man — away it went, — and hurried
my uncle Toby's ideas along with it. —
CHAP. 5 TRISTRAM SHANDY 323
For this reason, continued my father, 'tis worthy to recol-
lect, how little alteration, in great men, the approaches of
death have made. — Vespasian died in a jest upon his close-
stool — Galba with a sentence — Septimus Severus in a dis-
patch — Tiberius in dissimulation, and Caesar Augustus in a
compliment. — I hope 'twas a sincere one — quoth my uncle
Toby.
— 'Twas to his wife, — said m)' father.
Chaffer /f
— And lastly — for all the choice anecdotes which history can
produce of this matter, continued mv father, — this, like the
i^ilded dome which covers in the fabric — crowns all. —
'Tis of Cornelius Gallus, the praetor — which, I dare say,
brother Toby, you have read, — I dare say I have not, replied
my uncle. — He died, said my father, as ********** —
And if it was with his wife, said my uncle Toby — there
could be no hurt in it. — That's more than I know — replied
my father.
e
Chapter 5
My mother was going very gingerly in the dark along the
passage which led to the parlour, as mv uncle Toby pro-
nounced the word "wife." — ' lis a shrill penetrating sound
of itself, and Obadiah had helped it by leaving the do(jr a
little a-jar, so that my mother heard enough of it to imagine
herself the subject of the conversation; so laying the edge
of her finger across her two lips — holding in her breath, and
bending her head a little downwards, with a twist of her
neck — (not towards the door, but from it, by which means
her ear was brought to the chink) — she listened with all her
powers: — the listening slave, with the Goddess of Silence at
his back, could not have given a finer thought for an intaglio.
In this attitude I am determined to let her stand for five
324 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
minutes: till I bring up the affairs of the kitchen (as Rapin
does those of the church) to the same period.
Chapter 6
Though in one sense, our family was certainly a simple
machine, as it consisted of a few wheels; yet there was thus
much to be said for it, that these wheels were set in motion
by so many different springs, and acted one upon the other
from such a variety of strange principles and impulses — that
though it was a simple machine, it had all the honour and
advantages of a complex one, — and a number of as odd
movements within it, as ever were beheld in the inside of a
Dutch silk-mill.
Amongst these there was one, I am going to speak of, in
which, perhaps, it was not altogether so singular, as in many
others; and it was this, that whatever motion, debate,
harangue, dialogue, project, or dissertation, was going for-
wards in the parlour, there was generally another at the
same time, and upon the same subject, running parallel
along with it in the kitchen.
Now to bring this about, whenever an extraordinary mes-
sage, or letter, was delivered in the parlour — or a discourse
suspended till a servant went out — or the lines of discontent
were observed to hang upon the brows of my father or
mother — or, in short, when any thing was supposed to be
upon the tapis worth knowing or listening to, 'twas the rule
to leave the door, not absolutely shut, but somewhat a-jar —
as it stands just now, — which, under covert of the bad hinge
(and that possibly might be one of the many reasons why it
was never mended), it was not difficult to manage; by
which means, in all these cases, a passage was generally left,
not indeed as wide as the Dardanelles, but wide enough, for
all that, to carry on as much of this windward trade, as was
sufficient to save my father the trouble of governing his
house; — my mother at this moment stands profiting by it. —
CHAP. 7 IRIS'IRAM SHANDY 325
Ohadiah did the same thing, as soon as he had left tlic letter
upon the table which brought the news of my brother's
death, so that before my father had well got over his sur-
prise, and entered upon his harangue, — had Trim got upon
his legs, to speak his sentiments upon the subject.
A curious observer of nature, had he been worth the in-
ventory of all Job's stock — though bv the bye, your curious
observers are seldom worth a groat — would have given the
half of it, to have heard Corporal Trim and my father, two
orators so contrasted by nature and education, haranguing
over the same bier.
Mv father — a man of deep reading — prompt memory —
with Cato, and Seneca, and Epictetus, at his fingers' ends. —
The corporal — with nothing — to remember — of no
deeper reading than his muster-roll — or greater names at his
fingers' end, than the contents of it.
The one proceeding from period to period, by metaphor
and allusion, and striking the fancy as he went along (as
men of wit and fancy do) with the entertainment and
pleasantry of his pictures and images.
The other, without wit or antithesis, or point, or turn,
this way or that; but leaving the images on one side, and the
picture on the other, going straight forwards as nature could
lead him, to the heart. O Trim! would to heaven thou
had'st a better historian! — would thy historian had a better
pair of breeches! — O ye critics! will nothing melt you?
Chapter 7
— My young master in London is dead! said Obadiah. —
— A green satin night-gown of my mother's, which had
been twice scoured, was the first idea which Obadiah's ex-
clamation brought into Susannah's head. — Well might Locke
write a chapter upon the imperfections of words. — Then,
quoth Susannah, we must all go into mourning. — But note a
second time: the word mourning:, notwithstanding Susannah
326 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
made use of it herself — failed also of doing its office; it
excited not one single idea, tinged cither with gray or black,
— all was green. — Hie green satin night-gown hung there
still.
— O ! 'twill be the death of my poor mistress, cried Susan-
nah. — My mother's whole wardrobe followed. — What a
procession ! her red damask, — her orange tawney, her white
and yellow lutestrings, — her brown taffata, — her bone-laced
caps, her bed-gowns, and comfortable under-petticoats. —
Not a rag was left behind. — "No, — she will never look up
again," said Susannah.
We had a fat, foolish scullion — my father, I think, kept
her for her simplicity; — she had been all autumn struggling
with a dropsy. — He is dead, said Obadiah, — he is certainly
dead! — So am not I, said the foolish scullion.
— Here is sad nev/s. Trim, cried Susannah, wiping her
eyes as Trim stepped into the kitchen, — master Bobby is
dead and buried — the funeral was an interpolation of
Susannah's — we shall have all to go into mourning, said
Susannah.
I hope not, said Trim. — You hope not! cried Susannah
earnestly. — The mourning ran not in Trim's head, whatever
it did in Susannah's. — I hope — said Trim, explaining him-
self, I hope in God the news is not true. — I heard the letter
read with my own ears, answered Obadiah; and we shall
have a terrible piece of work of it in stubbing the Ox-moor.
— Oh ! he's dead, said Susannah. — As sure, said the scullion,
as I'm alive.
I lament for him from my heart and my soul, said Trim,
fetching a sigh. — Poor creature! — poor boy! — poor gentle-
man !
— He was alive last Whitsuntide! said the coachman. —
Whitsuntide! alas! cried Trim, extending his right arm, and
falling instantly into the same attitude in which he read the
sermon, — What is Whitsuntide, Jonathan (for that was the
CHAP. 7 TRISTRAM SHANDY 327
coachman's name), or Shrovetide, or any tide or time past,
to this: Are we not here now, continued the corporal
(striking the end of his stick perpendicularly upon the floor,
so as to give an idea of health and stability) — and are we not
— (dropping his hat upon the ground) gone! in a moment! —
'Twas infinitely striking! Susannah burst into a flood of
tears. — We are not stocks and stones. — Jonathan, Obadiah,
the cook-maid, all melted. — The foolish fat scullion her-
self, who was scouring a fish-kettle upon her knees, was
roused with it. — The whole kitchen crowded about the
corporal.
Now, as I perceive plainly, that the preservation of our
constitution in church and state, — and possibly the preserva-
tion of the whole world — or what is the same' thing, the
distribution and balance of its property and power, may in
time to come depend greatly upon the right understanding
of this stroke of the corporal's eloquence — I do demand
your attention — vour worships and reverences, for any ten
pages to-gether, take them where you will in any other part
of the work, shall sleep for it at your ease.
I said, "we were not stocks and stones" — 'tis very well.
I should have added, nor are we angels, I wish we were, —
but men clothed with bodies, and governed by our imagina-
tions; — and what a junketing piece of work of it there is,
betwixt these and our seven senses, especially some of them,
for my own part, I own it, I am ashamed to confess. Let it
suffice to affirm, that of all the senses, the eye (for I abso-
lutely deny the touch, though most of your Barbati, I know
are for it) has the quickest commerce with the soul, — gives
a smarter stroke, and leaves something more inexpressible
upon the fancy, than words can either convey — or some-,
times get rid of.
— I've gone a little about — no matter, 'tis for health — let
us only carry it back in our mind to the mortality of Trim's
hat. — "Arc wc not here now, — and 2;onc in a moment?" —
328 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
There was nothing in the sentence — 'twas one of your self-
evident truths we have the advantage of hearing every day;
and if Trim had not trusted more to his hat than his head —
he had made nothing at all of it.
— "Are we not here now;" continued the corporal, "and
are we not" — (dropping his hat plumb upon the ground —
and pausing before he pronounced the word) — "gone! in a
momentr" The descent of the hat was as if a heavy lump
of clay had been kneaded into the crown of it. — Nothing
could have expressed the sentiment of mortality, of which it
was the type and fore-runner, like it, — his hand seemed to
vanish from under it, — it fell dead, — the corporal's eye fixed
upon it, as upon a corpse, — and Susannah burst into a flood
of tears.
Now — Ten thousand, and ten thousand times ten thou-
sand (for matter and motion are infinite) are the ways by
which a hat may be dropped upon the ground, without any
effect. — Had he flung it, or thrown it, or cast it, or skimmed
it, or squirted it, or let it slip or fall in any possible direction
under heaven, — or in the best direction that could be iriven
to it, — had he dropped it like a goose — like a puppy — like an
ass — or in doing it, or even after he had done, had he looked
like a fool — like a ninny — like a nincompoop — it had failed,
and the effect upon the heart had been lost.
Ye who govern this mighty world and its mighty concerns
with the engines of eloquence, — who heat it, and cool it,
and melt it, and mollify it, — and then harden it again to
your purpose —
Ye who wind and turn the passions with this great wind-
lass, and, having done it, lead the owners of rhem, whither
ye think meet —
Ye, lastly, who diivc — and why not. Ye also who are
driven, like turkeys to market with a stick and a red clout —
meditate — meditate, I beseech you, upon Trim's hat.
CHAP. 9 TRISTRAM SHANDY 329
Chapter S
Stay — I have a small acccnint to settle with the reader
before Trim can go on with his harangue. — It shall be
done in two minutes.
Amongst many other book-debts, all of which I shall dis-
charge in due time, — I own myself a debtor to the world for
two items, — a chapter upon chamber-maids and button-holes,
which, in the former part of my work, I promised and fully
intended to pay off this year: but some of your worships and
reverences telling me, that the two subjects, especially so
connected together, might endanger the morals of the world,
— I pray the chapter upon chamber-maids and button-holes
may be forgiven mc, — and that they will accept of the last
chapter in lieu of it; which is nothing, an't please your rev-
erences, but a chapter of chamber-maids, green gowns, and
old hats.
Trim took his off the ground, — put it upon his head, —
and then went on with his oration upon death, in manner
and form following.
Chapter p
— To us, Jonathan, who know not what want or care is —
who live here in the service of two of the best of masters —
( bating in my <iwn case his majesty King William the Third,
whom I had the honour to serve both in Ireland and Flan-
ders) — I own it, that from Whitsuntide to within three
weeks of Christmas, — 'tis not long — 'tis like nothing; — but
to those, Jonathan, who know what death is, and what
havoc and destruction he can make, before a man can well
wheel about — 'tis like a whole age. — O Jonathan! 'twould
make a good-natured man's heart bleed, to consider, con-
tinued the corporal (standing perpendicularly), how low
many a brave and upright fellow has been laid since that
time! — And trust me, Susy, added the corporal, turning to
330 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
Susannah, whose eyes were swimming in water, — before
that time comes round again, — many a bright-eye will be
dim. — Susannah placed it to the right side of the page — she
wept — but she court'sied too. — Are we not, continued Trim,
looking still at Susannah — are we not like a flower of the
field — a tear of pride stole in betwixt every two tears of
humiliation — else no tongue could have described Susannah's
affliction — is not all flesh grass? — 'Tis clay, — 'tis dirt. —
They all looked directly at the scullion, — the scullion had
just been scouring a fish-kettle. — It was not fair. —
— What is the finest face that ever man looked at! — I
could hear Trim talk so for ever, cried Susannah, — what is
it! (Susannah laid her hand upon Trim's shoulder) — but
corruption? — Susannah took it oflF.
Now I love you for this — and 'tis this delicious mixture
within you which makes you dear creatures what you are —
^nd he who hates you for it — all I can say of the matter is
— That he has either a pumpkin for his head — or a pippin
for his heart, — and whenever he is dissected 'twill be
found so.
Chaffer lo
Whether Susannah, by taking her hand too suddenly from
oflF the corporal's shoulder (by the whisking about of her
passions) — broke a little the chain of his reflections —
Or whether the corporal began to be suspicious, he had
got into the doctor's quarters, and was talking more like the
chaplain than himself —
Or whether --------------
Or whether — for in all such cases a man of invention and
parts may with pleasure fill a couple of pages with suppo-
sitions — which of all these was the cause, let the curious
physiologist, or the curious any body determine — 'tis certain,
at least, the corporal went on thus with his harangue.
For my own part, I declare it, that out of doors, I value
CHAP. 10 TRISTRAM SHANDY 331
not death at all: — not this . . added the corporal, snapping
his fingers, — but with an air which no one but the corporal
could have given to the sentiment. — In battle, I value death
not this . . . and let him not take me cowardly, like poor
|oc Gibbons, in scouring his gun. — What is he? A pull of a
trigger — a push of a bayonet an inch this way or that — makes
the difference. — Look along the line — to the right — see!
Jack's down! well, — 'tis worth a regiment of horse to him.
— No — 'tis Dick. Then Jack's no worse. — Never mind
which, — we pass on, — in hot pursuit the wound itself which
brings him is not felt, — the best way is to stand up to him, —
the man who flies, is in ten times more danger than the man
who marches up into his jaws. — I've looked him, added the
corporal, an hundred times in the face, — and know what he
is. — He's nothing, Obadiali, at all in the field. — But he's
very frightful in a house, quoth Obadiah. — I never mind it
myself, said Jonathan, upon the coach-box. — It must, in my
opinion, he most natural in bed, replied Susannah. — And
could I escape him by creeping into the worst calf's skin that
ever was made into a knapsack, I would do it there — said
Trim — but that is nature.
— Nature is nature, said Jonathan. — And that is the rea-
son, cried Susannah, I so much pity my mistress. — She will
never get the better of it. — Now I pity the captain the most
of any one in the family, answered Trim. — Madam will get
case of heart in weeping, — and the Squire in talking about
it, — but my poor master will keep it all in silence to himself.
— I shall hear him sigh in his bed for a whole month
together, as he did for lieutenant Le Fever. — An' please
your honour, do not sigh so piteously, I would say to him as
i laid beside him. I cannot help it, Trim, my master would
say, — 'tis so melancholy an accident — I cannot get it off my
heart. — Your honour fears not death yourself. — I hope,
Trim, I fear nothing, he would say, but the doing a wrong
thing. — Well, he would add, whatever betides, I will take
332 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
care of Le Fever's boy. — And with that, like a quieting
draught, his honour would fall asleep.
I like to hear Trim's stories about the captain, said Susan-
nah. — He is a kindly-hearted gentleman, said Obadiah, as
ever lived. — Aye, and as brave a one too, said the corporal,
as ever stept before a platoon. — There never was a better
officer in the king's army, — or a better man in God's world;
for he would march up to the mouth of a cannoji, though
he saw the lighted match at the very touch-hole, — and yet,
for all that, he has a heart as soft as a child for other people.
— He would not hurt a chicken. — I would sooner, quoth
Jonathan, drive such a gentleman for seven pounds a year —
than some for eight. — Thank thee, Jonathan ! for thy twenty
shillings, — as much, Jonathan, said the corporal, shaking him
by the hand, as if thou hadst put the money into my own
pocket. — I would serve him to the day of my death out of
love. He is a friend and a brother to me, — and could I be
sure my poor brother Tom was dead, — continued the cor-
poral, taking out his handkerchief, — was I worth ten thou-
sand pounds, I would leave every shilling of it to the cap-
tain.- — Trim could not refrain from tears at this testa-
mentary proof he gave of his affection to his master. — The
whole kitchen was affected. — Do tell us the story of the
poor lieutenant, said Susannah. — With all my heart,
answered the corporal.
Susannah, the cook, Jonathan, Obadiah, and corporal
Trim, formed a circle about the fire, and as soon as the
scullion had shut the kitchen door, — the corporal begun.
Chapter 1 1
I AM a Turk if I had not as much forgot my mother, as if
Nature had plaistered me up, and set me down naked upon
the banks of the nver Nile, without one. — Your most obedi-
ent servant. Madam — I've cost you a great deal of trouble,
— I wish it may answer; — but you have left a crack in my
CHAP. 12 TRISTRAM SHANDY 333
back, — and here's a great piece fallen off here before, — and
what must I do with this foot? — I shall never reach Eng-
land with it.
For my own part, I never wonder at any thing; — and so
often has my judgment deceived me in my life, that I
always suspect it, right or wrong, — at least I am seldom hot
upon cold subjects. For all this, I reverence truth as much
as any body; and when it has slipped us, if a man will but
take me by the hand, and go quietly and search for it, as for
a thing we have both lost, and can neither of us do well
without, — I'll go to the world's end with him: — But I hate
disputes, — and therefore (bating religious points, or such as
touch society) I would almost subscribe to any thing which
does not choke me in the first passage, rather than be drawn
into one — But I cannot bear suffocation, — and bad smells
worst of all. — For which reasons, I resolved from the be-
ginning. That if ever the army of martyrs was to be aug-
mented, — or a new one raised, — I would have no hand in
it, one way or t'other.
Chapter 12
— But to return to my mother.
My uncle Toby's opinion. Madam, "that there could be
no harm in Cornelius Gallus, the Roman praetor's lying with
his wife"; — or rather the last word of that opinion, — (for
it was all my mother heard of it) caught hold of her by the
weak part of the whole sex: — You shall not mistake me, —
I mean her curiosity, — she instantly concluded herself the
subject of the conversation, and with that prepossession upon
her fancy, you will readilv conceive every word my father
said, was accommodated either to herself, or her family con-
cerns.
— Pray, Madam, in what street docs the lady live, who
would not have done the same?
From the strange mode of Cornelius's death, mv father
334 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
had made a transition to that of Socrates, and was giving
my uncle Toby an abstract of his pleading before his judges;
— 'twas irresistible: — not the oration of Socrates, — but my
father's temptation to it. — He had wrote the ^ Life of
Socrates himself the year before he left off trade, which, I
fear, was the means of hastening him out of it; — so that
no one was able to set out with so full a sail, and in so
swelling a tide of heroic loftiness upon the occasion, as my
father was. Not a period in Socrates's oration, which closed
with a shorter word than transmigration, or annihilation, —
or a worse thought in the middle of it than to be — or not to
be, — the entering upon a new and untried state of things, —
or, upon a long, a profound and peaceful sleep, without
dreams, without disturbance? — That we and our children
were born to die, — but neither of us born to be slaves. — No
— there I mistake; that was part of Eleazer's oration, as
recorded by Josephus {de Bell. Judaic.) — Eleazer owns he
had it from the philosophers of India; in all likelihood
Alexander the Great, in his irruption into India, after he
had over-run Persia, amongst the many things he stole, —
stole that sentiment also; by which means it was carried, if
not all the way by himself (for we all know he died at
Babylon), at least by some of his marauders, into Greece, —
from Greece it got to Rome, — from Rome to France, — and
from France to England: — So things come round. —
By land carriage, I can conceive no other way. —
By water the sentiment might easily have come down the
Ganges into the Sinus Gangeticus, or Bay of Bengal, and so
into the Indian Sea; and following the course of trade (the
way from India by the Cape of Good Hope being then un-
known), might be carried with other drugs and spices up the
Red Sea to Joddah, the port of Mekka, or else to Tor or
^ This book my father would never consent to publish ; 'tis in
manuscript, with some other tracts of his, in the family, all, or
most of which will be printed in due time.
CHAP. 13 TRISTRAM SHANDY 335
Sues, towns at the bottom of the gulf; and from thence by
karrawans to Coptos, but three days journey distant, so down
the Nile directly to Alexandria, where the sentiment would
be landed at the very foot of the great stair-case of the Alex-
andrian library, — and from that store-house it would be
fetched. — Bless me! what a trade was driven by the learned
in those days!
Chapter 75
— Now my father had a way, a little like that of Job's (in
case there ever was such a man — if not, there's an end of the
matter. —
Though, bv the bye, because your learned men find some
difficulty in fixing the precise era in which so great a man
lived; — whether, for instance, before or after the patriarchs,
etc. — to vote, therefore, that he never lived at all, is a little
cruel, — 'tis not doing as they would be done by, — happen
that as it may) — My father, I say, had a way, when things
went extremely wrong with him, especially upon the first
sally of his impatience, — of wondering why he was begot, —
wishing himself dead; — sometimes worse: — And when the
provocation ran high, and grief touched his lips with more
than ordinary powers — Sir, vou scarce could have distin-
guished him from Socrates himself. — Every word would
breathe the sentiments of a soul disdaining life, and careless
about all its issues; for which reason, though my mother was
a woman of no deep reading, yet the abstract of Socrates's
oration, which my father was giving my uncle Toby, was
not altogether new to her. — She listened to it with composed
intelligence, and would have done so to the end of the chap-
ter, had not my father plunged (which he had no occasion to
have done) into that part of the pleading where the great
philosopher reckons up his connections, his alliances, and
children ; but renounces a security to be so won by working
upon the passions of his judges. — "I have friends — I have
336 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
relations, — I have three desolate children," — says Socrates. —
— Then, cried my mother, opening the door, — you have
one more, Mr. Shandy, than I know of.
By heaven! I have one less, — said my father, getting up
and walking out of the room.
Chapter i^
— They are Socrates's children, said my uncle Toby. He
has been dead a hundred years ago, replied my mother.
My uncle Toby was no chronologer — so not caring to ad-
vance one step but upon safe ground, he laid down his pipe
deliberately upon the table, and rising up, and taking my
mother most kindly by the hand, without saying another
word, either good or bad, to her, he led her out after my
father, that he might finish the eclaircissement himself.
Chapter 75
Had this volume been a farce, which, unless every one's life
and opinions are to be looked upon as a farce as well as
mine, I see no reason to suppose — the last chapter, Sir, had
finished the first act of it, and then this chapter must have
set off thus.
Ptr..r..r..ing — twing — twang — prut — trut — 'tis a cursed
had fiddle. — Do you know whether my fiddle's in tunc or
no? — trut. .prut.. — They should be fifths. — 'Tis wickedly
strung — tr...a.e.i.o.u.-twang. — The bridge is a mile too
high, and the sound post absolutely down, — else — trut. .prut
— hark! 'tis not so bad a tone. — Diddle diddle, diddle diddle,
diddle diddle, dum. There is nothing in playing before
good judges, — but there's a man there — no — not him with
the bundle under his arm — the grave man in black — 'Sdeath!
not the gentleman with the sword on. — Sir, I had rather play
a Capriccio to Calliope herself, than draw my bow across mv
fiddle before that very man; and yet I'll stake my Cremona
to a Jew's trump, which is the greatest musical odds that
CHAP. i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 337
ever were laid, that I will this moment stop three hundred
and fifty leagues out of tunc upon my fiddle, without pun-
ishing one single nerve that belongs to him — Twaddle
diddle, tweddlc diddle, — twiddle diddle, — twoddle diddle,
— twudle diddle, — prut trut — krish — krash — krush. — I've
undone you, Sir, — hut you see he's no worse, — and was
Apollo to take his fiddle after me, he can make him no
better.
Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddle — hum — dum
— drum.
— ^'our worships and your reverences love music — and
God has made you all with good ears — and some of you plav
delightfully yourselves — trut-prut, — prut-trut.
O ! there is — whom I could sit and hear whole days, —
whose talents lie in making what he fiddles to be felt, — who
inspires me with his joys and hopes, and puts the most hidden
springs of mv heart into motion. — If you would borrow five
guineas of me. Sir, — which is generally ten guineas more
than I have to spare — or you Messrs. Apothecary and
Tailor, want your bills paying, — that's your time.
Chapter 1 6
The first thing which entered m\ father's head, after
affairs were a little settled in the family and Susannah had
got possession of my mother's green satin night-gown, — was
to sit down coolh-, after the example of Xenophon, and
write a Tri^tra-facriin, or system of education for mc; col-
lecting first for that purpose his own scattered thoughts,
counsels, and notions; ;ind binding them together, so as to
form an Institute for the government of my childhood and
adolescence. I was my father's last stake — he had lost my
brother Bobby entirely, — he had lost, by his own computa-
tion, full three-fourths of me — that is, he had been un-
fortunate in his three first great casts for me — my geniture,
nose, and name, — there was but this one left; and accord-
338 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
ingly my father gave himself up to it with as much devotion
as ever my uncle Toby had done to his doctrine of projectiles.
— The difference between them was, that my uncle Toby
drew his whole knowledge of projectiles from Nicholas Tar-
taglia — My father spun his, every thread of it, out of his
own brain, — or reeled and cross-twisted what all other
spinners and spinsters had spun before him, that 'twas pretty
near the same torture to him.
In about three years, or something more, my father had
got advanced almost into the middle of his work. — Like all
other writers, he met with disappointments. — He imagined
he should be able to bring whatever he had to say, into so
small a compass, that when it was finished and bound, it
might be rolled up in my mother's hussive. — Matter grows
under our hands. — Let no man say, — "Come — I'll write a
duodecimo."
My father gave himself up to it, however, with the most
painful diligence, proceeding step by step in every line, with
the same kind of caution and circumspection (though I can-
not say upon quite so religious a principle) as was used by
John de la Casse, the lord archbishop of Benevento, in com-
passing his Galatea; in which his Grace of Benevento, spent
near forty years of his life; and when the thing came out, it
was not of above half the size or the thickness of a Rider's
Almanac. — How the holy man managed the affair, unless he
spent the greatest part of his time in combing his whiskers,
or playing at primero with his chaplain, — would pose any
mortal not let into the true secret; — and therefore 'tis worth
explaining to the world, was it only for the encouragement
of those few in it, who write not so much to be fed — as to
be famous.
I own had John de la Casse, the archbishop of Benevento,
for whose memory (notwithstanding his Galatea) I retain
the highest veneration, — had he been. Sir, a slender clerk —
of dull wit — slow parts — costive head, and so forth, — he
CHAP. i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 339
and his Galntrn might have jogged on together to the age
of Methuselah for me, — tlic phcnomcmm had not hccn
worth a parenthesis. —
But the reverse of this was the truth: John de la Casse
was a genius of fine parts and fertile fancy; and yet with all
these great advantages of nature, which should have pricked
him forwards with his Galatea, he lay under an impuissance
at the same time of advancing above a line and a half in the
compass of a whole summer's day: this disability in his Grace
arose from an opinion he was afflicted with, — which opinion
was this, — viz. that whenever a Christian was writing a
book (not for his private amusement, but) where his intent
and purpose was, bona fide, to print and publish it to the
world, his first thoughts were always the temptations of the
evil one. — This was the state of ordinary writers: but when
a personage of venerable character and high station, either
in church or state, once turned author, — he maintained, that
from the ver\' moment he took pen in hand — all the devils
in hell broke out of their holes to cajole him. — 'Twas Term-
time with them, — ever}' thought, first and last, was captious;
— how specious and good soever, — 'twas all one; — in what-
ever form or colour it presented itself to the imagination, —
'twas still a stroke of one or other of them levelled at him,
and was to be fenced off. — So that the life of a writer, what-
ever he might fancy to the contrary, was not so much a state
of composition, as a state of warfare; and his probation
in it, precisely that of any other man militant upon earth, —
both depending alike, not half so much upon the degrees
of his wit — as his resistance.
My father was hugely pleased with this theory of John
de la Casse, archbishop of Benevento; and (had it not
cramped him a little in his creed) I believe would have
given ten of the best acres in the Shandy estate, to have
been the broacher of it. — How far my father actually be-
lieved in the devil, will be seen, when I come to speak of
340 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
my father's religious notions, in the progress of this work:
'tis enough to say here, as he could not have the honour of
it, in the literal sense of the doctrine — he took up with the
allegory of it; and would often say, especially when his
pen was a little retrograde, there was as much good mean-
ing, truth, and knowledge, couched under the veil of John
de la Casse's parabolical representation, — as was to be found
in any one poetic fiction or mystic record of antiquity. —
Prejudice of education, he would say, is the devil, — and the
multitudes of them which we suck in with our mother's milk
— ^are the devil and all. — ^We are haunted with them, brother
Toby, in all our lucubrations and researches; and was a man
fool enough to submit tamely to what they obtruded upon
him, — what would his book be? Nothing, — he would add,
throwing his pen away with a vengeance, — nothing but a
farrago of the clack of nurses, and of the nonsense of the
old women (of both sexes) throughout the kingdom.
This is the best account I am determined to give of the
slow progress my father made in his Trhtra-faed'ta ; at
which (as I said) he was three years, and something more,
indefatigably at work, and, at last, had scarce completed,
by his own reckoning, one half of his undertaking: the mis-
fortune was, that I was all that time totally neglected and
abandoned to my mother: and what was almost as bad, by the
very delay, the first part of the work, upon which my father
had spent the most of his pains, was rendered entirely use-
less, — every day a page or two became of no consequence. —
— Certainly it was ordained as a scourge upon the pride
of human wisdom, That the wisest of us all should thus
outwit ourselves, and eternally forego our purposes in the
intemperate act of pursuing them.
In short, my father was so long in all his acts of re-
sistance, — or in other words, — he advanced so very slow
with his work, and I began to live and get forwards at such
a rate, that if an event had not happened, — which, when we
CHAP. 1 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 34k
get to it, if it can be told with decency, shall not he con-
cealed a moment from the reader — I verily believe, I had
put bv mv father, and left him drawing a sun-dial, for no
better purpose than to be buried under ground.
Chapter 1 7
— 'TwAS nothing, — I did not lose two drops of blood by
it — 'twas not worth calling in a surgeon, had he lived next
door to us — thousands suffer by choice, what I did by acci-
dent — Doctor Slop made ten times more of it, than there
was occasion: — some men rise, by the art of hanging great
weights upon small wires, — and I am this day (August the
lOth, I 761) paying part of the price of this man's reputa-
tion. — O 'twould provoke a stone, to see how things arc
carried on in this world! — The chamber-maid had left no
******* *** under the bed: — Cannot you contrive, master,
quoth Susannah, lifting up the sash with one hand, as she
spoke, and helping me up into the window-seat, with the
other, — cannot you manage, my dear, for a single time, to
I was five years old. — Susannah did not consider that
nothing was well hung in our family, — so slap came the sash
down like lightning upon us; — Nothing is left, cried Susan-
nah, — nothing is left — for mu, hut to run my country. —
My uncle Toby's house was a much kinder sanctuary;
and so Susannah fled to it.
Chapter 18
When Susannah told the corporal the misadventure of the
sash, with all the circumstances which attended the murder
of me, — (as she called it) — the blood forsook his cheeks, —
all accessaries in murder being principals, — Trim's conscience
told him he was as much to blame as Susannah, — and if the
doctrine had been true, mv uncle Toby had as much of the
bloodshed to answer for to heaven, as either of 'em; — so
342 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
that neither reason or instinct, separate or together, could
possibly have guided Susannah's steps to so proper an asylum.
It is in vain to leave this to the Reader's imagination: — to
form any kind of hypothesis that will render these proposi-
tions feasible, he must cudgel his brains sore, — and to do it
without, — he must have such brains as no reader ever had
before him. — Why should I put them either to trial or to
torture? 'Tis my own affair: I'll explain it myself.
Chapter i g
'Tis a pity, Trim, said my uncle Toby, resting with his hand
upon the corporal's shoulder, as they both stood surveying
their works,^ — that we have not a couple of field-pieces to
mount in the gorge of that new redoubt; — 'twould secure
the lines all along there, and make the attack on that side
quite complete: — get me a couple cast, Trim.
Your honour shall have them, replied Trim, before to-
morrow morning.
It was the joy of Trim's heart, — nor was his fertile head
ever at a loss for expedients in doing it, to supply my uncle
Toby in his campaigns, with whatever his fancy called for;
had it been his last crown, he would have sate down and
hammered it into a paderero, to have prevented a single wish
in his Master. The corporal had already, — what with cut-
ting off the ends of my uncle Toby's spouts — hacking and
chiseling up the sides of his leaden gutters, — melting down
his pewter shaving-basin, — and going at last, like Lewis the
Fourteenth, on to the top of the church, for spare ends, etc. —
he had that very campaign brought no less than eight new
battering cannons, besides three demi-culverins, into the
field; my uncle Toby's demand for two more pieces for the
redoubt, had set the corporal at work again; and no better
resource offering, he had taken the two leaden weights from
the nursery window: and as the sash pullies, when the lead
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY 343
was gone, were of no kind of use, he had taken them away
also, to make a couple of wheels for one of their carriages.
He had dismantled every sash-window in my uncle Toby's
house long before, in the very same way, — though not al-
ways in the same order; for sometimes the pullies have been
wanted, and not the lead, — so then he began with the pullies,
— and the pullies being picked out, then the lead became
useless, — and so the lead went to pot too.
— A great Moral might be picked handsomely out of this,
but I have not time — 'tis enough to say, wherever the demo-
lition began, 'twas equally fatal to the sash window.
Chapter 20
The corporal had not taken his measure so badly in this
stroke of artiller^'ship, but that he might have kept the
matter entirely to himself, and left Susannah to have sus-
tained the whole weight of the attack, as she could; — true
courage is not content with coming off so. — The corporal,
whether as general or comptroller of the train, — 'twas no
matter, — had done that, without which, as he imagined, the
misfortune could never have happened. — at least in Susan-
nah's hands; — How would your honours have behaved? —
He determined at once, not to take shelter behind Susannah,
— but to give it; and with this resolution upon his mind, he
marched upright into the parlour, to lay the whole manoeuvre
before my uncle Toby.
My uncle Toby had just then been giving Yorick an ac-
count of the Battle of Steenkirk, and of the strange conduct
of count Solmes in ordering the foot to halt, and the horse
to march where it could not act; which was directly contrary
to the king's commands, and proved the loss of the day.
There are incidents in some families so pat to the pur-
pose of what is going to follow, — they are scarce exceeded
by the invention of a dramatic writer; — I mean of ancient
days. —
344 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
Trim, by the help of his fore-finger, laid flat upon the
table, and the edge of his hand striking across it at right
angles, made a shift to tell his story so, that priests and
virgins might have listened to it; — and the story being told,
— the dialogue weut on as follows.
Chapter 21
— I WOULD be picquetted to death, cried the corporal, as
he concluded Susannah's story, before I would suffer the
woman to come to any harm, — 'twas my fault, an' please
your honour, — not hers.
Corporal Trim, replied my uncle Toby, putting on his
hat which lay upon the table, — if any thing can be said to
be a fault, when the service absolutely requires it should be
done, — 'tis I certainly who deserve the blame, — you obeyed
your orders.
Had count Solmes, Trim, done the same at the battle of
Steenkirk, said Yorick, drolling a little upon the corporal,
who had been run over by a dragoon in the retreat, — he
had saved thee; — Saved! cried Trim, interrupting Yorick,
and finishing the sentence after his own fashion, — he had
saved five battaliojis, an' please your reverence, every soul
of them: — there was Cutts's — continued the corporal, clap-
ping the forefinger of his right hand upon the thumb of
his left, and counting round his hand, — there was Cutts's,
— Mackay's, — Angus's, — Graham's, — and Leven's, all cut
to pieces; — and so had the English life-guards too, had it
not been for some regiments upon the right, who marched
up boldly to their relief, and received the enemy's fire in
their faces, before any one of their own platoons discharged
a musket, — they'll go to heaven for it, — added Trim. —
Trim is right, said my uncle Toby, nodding to Yorick, — he's
perfectly right. What signified his marching the horse,
continued the corporal, where the ground was so straight, that
the French had such a nation of hedges, and copses, and
CHAP. 22 TRISTRAM SHANDY 345
ditches, and felled trees laid this way and that to cover
them; (as they always have). — Count Solmcs should have
sent us, — we would have fired muzzle to muzzle with them
for their lives. — There w.is nothing to be done for the
horse: — he had his foot shot off however for his pains, con-
tinued the corporal, the very next campaign at Landen. —
Poor Trim got his wound there, quoth my uncle Toby. —
'Twas owing, an' please your honour, entlrelv to count
Solmes, — had he drubbed them soundly at Stecnkirk, they
would not have fought us at Landen. — Possibly not, — Trim,
said my uncle Toby; — though if they have the advantage
of a wood, or you give them a moment's time to intrench
themselves, they are a nation which will pop and pop for ever
at you, — There is no way but to march coolly up to them, —
receive their fire, and fall in upon them, pell-mell — Ding
dong, added Trim. — Horse and foot, said my uncle Toby. —
Helter skelter, said Trim. — Right and left, cried my uncle
Toby. — Blood an' ounds, shouted the corporal; — the battle
raged. — Yorick drew his chair a little to one side for safety,
and after a moment's pause, my uncle Toby sinking hi?
voice a note, — resumed the discourse as follows.
Chnptrr 22
King William, said my uncle Toby, addressing himself
to Yorick, was so terribly provoked at count Solmes foi
disobeying his orders, that he would not suffer him to come
into his presence for many months after. — I fear, answered
Yorick, the squire will be as much provoked at the cor-
poral, as the King at the count. — Hut 'twould be singularly
hard in this case, continued he, if Corporal Trim, who has
behaved so diametrically opposite to count Solmcs, should
have the fate to be rewarded with the same disgrace: — too
oft in this world, do things take that train. — I would spring
a mine, cried my uncle Toby, rising up, — and blow up my
fortifications, and my house with them, and we would perish
346 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
under their ruins, ere I would stand by and see it. — Trim
directed a slight, — but grateful bow towards his master, —
and so the chapter ends.
Chdfter 23
— Then, Yorick, replied my uncle Toby, you and I will
lead the way abreast, — and do you, corporal, follow a few
paces behind us. — And Susannah, an' please your honour,
said Trim, shall be put in the rear. — 'Twas an excellent dis-
position, — and in this order, without either drums beating,
or colours flying, they marched slowly from my uncle Toby's
house to Shandy-hall.
— I wish, said Trim, as they entered the door, — instead
of the sash weights, I had cut off the church spout, as I once
thought to have done. — You have cut off spouts enow, re-
plied Yorick. —
Chafter 2^
As many pictures as have been given of my father, how
like him soever in different airs and attitudes, — not one, or
all of them, can ever help the reader to any kind of pre-
conceptions of how my father would think, speak, or act,
upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life. — There was
that infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances along with
it, by which handle he would take a thing, — it baffled, Sir,
all calculations. — The truth was, his road lay so very far
on one side, from that wherein most men travelled, — that
every object before him presented a face and section of itself
to his eye, altogether different from the plan and elevation
of it seen by the rest of mankind. — In other words, 'twas a
different object, and in course was differently considered:
This is the true reason, that my dear Jenny and I, as
well as all the world besides us, have such eternal squabbles
about nothing. — She looks at her outside, — I, at her in — .
How is it possible we should agree about her value?
CHAP. 26 TRISTRAM SHANDY 347
Chapter :?5
'Tis a point settled, — and I mention it for the comfort of ^
Confucius, who is apt to get entangled in telling a plain
story — that provided he keeps aloHg the line of his story, —
he may go backwards and forwards as he will, — 'tis still
held to be no digression.
This being premised, I take the benefit of the act of
?oine backwards mvself.
Chapter 26
Fifty thousand pannier loads of devils — (not of the Arch-
bishop of Benevento's, — I mean of Rabelais's devils) with
their tails chopped off by their rumps, could not have made
so diabolical a scream of it, as I did — when the accident
befell me: it summoned up my mother instantly into the
nursery, — so that Susannah had but just time to make her
escape down the back stairs, as my mother came up the fore.
Now, though I was old enough to have told the story
myself, — and young enough, I hope, to have done it without
malignity; yet Susannah, in passing by the kitchen, for fear
of accidents, had left it in shorthand with the cook — the
cook had told it with a commentary to Jonathan, and Jona-
than to Obadiah ; so that by the time my father had rung the
bell half a dozen times, to know what was the matter above,
— was Obadiah enabled to give him a particular account of
it, just as it had happened. — I thought as much, said my
father, tucking up his night-gown ; — and so walked up stairs.
One would imagine from this — (though for my own
part I somewhat question it) — that my father, before that
time, had actually wrote that remarkable chapter in the
Tristra-paedioy which to me is the most original and enter-
taining one in the whole book; — and that is the chapter
1 Mr. Shandy is supposed to mean **♦*♦**♦ *** Esq.; member
for ******^ — and not the Chinese Legislator.
348 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
Upon Sash-Windows, with a bitter Philippic at the end of
it, upon the forgetfulncss of chamber-maids. — I have but
two reasons for thinking otherwise.
First, Had the matter been taken into consideration, be-
fore the event happened, my father certainly would have
nailed up the sash-window for good an' all; — which, con-
sidering with what difficulty he composed books, — he might
have done with ten times less trouble, than he could have
wrote the chapter: this argument I foresee holds good against
his writing a chapter, even after the event; but 'tis obviated
under the second reason, which I have the honour to offer
to the world in support of my opinion, that my father did
not write the chapter Upon Sash-Windows and Chamber-
Pots, at the time supposed, — and it is this.
— That, in order to render the Tristra-faedia complete,
— I wrote the chapter myself.
Chafter 2 J
My father put on his spectacles — looked, — took them off,
— put them into the case — all in less than a statutable minute;
and without opening his lips, turned about and walked pre-
cipitately down stairs: my mother imagined he had stepped
down for lint and basilicon; but seeing him return with a
couple of folios under his arm, and Obadiah following him
with a large reading-desk, she took it for granted 'twas an
herbal, and so drew him a chair to the bedside, that he might
consult upon the case at his ease.
— If it be but right done, — said my father, turning to the
Section — rle sede vet subjecto circumcisionisy — for he had
brought up Spenser de Le gibus Hebraeorum Rifualibus —
and MaimonideSy in order to confront and examine us alto-
gether. —
— If it be but right done, quoth he: — only tell us, cried
my mother, interrupting him, what herbs? — for that, replied
my father, you must send for Dr. Slop.
CHAP. 28 TRISTRAM SHANDY' 349
My mother went down, and my father went on, reading
the section as follows,
♦ ♦********
**********
* * * * — Very well, — said my father,
♦ * * * * * * *'* *
**********
* * * — nay, if it has that convenience — and s<)
without stopping a moment to settle it first in his mind,
whether the Jews had it from the Egyptians, or the Egyp-
tians from the Jews, — he rose up, and rubbing his forehead
two or three times across with the palm of his hand, in the
manner we rub out the footsteps of care, when evil has trod
lighter upon us than we foreboded, — he shut the book, and
walked down stairs. — Nay, said he, mentioning the name of
a different great nation upon every step as he set his foot
upon it — if the Egyptians, — the Syrians, — the Phoenicians,
— the Arabians, — the Cappadocians, — if the Colchi, and
Troglodites did it — if Solon and Pythagoras submitted, —
what is Tristram: — Who am I, that I should fret or fume
one moment about the matter?
Chapter 28
Dear Yorick, said my father, smiling ( for "^'orick had broke
his rank with my uncle Toby in coming through the nar-
row entry, and so had stept first into the parlour) — this Tris-
tram of ours, I find, comes very hardly by all his religious
rites. — Never was the son of Jew, Christian, Turk, or In-
fidel initiated into them in so oblique and slovenly a man-
ner. — But he is no worse, I trust, said Yorick. — There has
been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do
in some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of
mine was formed. — That, you are a better judge of than I,
replied "^'orick. — .Astrologers, quoth my father, know better
than us both: — the trine and sextil aspects have jumped awr\-,
350 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
the opposite of their ascendents have not hit it, as they
should, — or the lords of the genitures (as they call them)
have been at bo-peep, — or something has been wrong above,
or below with us.
'Tis possible, answered Yorick. — But is the child, cried
my uncle Toby, the worse? — The Troglodites say not, re-
plied my father. And your theologists, Yorick, tell us —
Theologically? said Yorick, — or speaking after the manner
of ^ apothecaries? — "statesmen? — or ^ washer- women?
— I'm not sure, replied my father, — but they tell us,
brother Toby, he's the better for it. — Provided, said Yor-
ick, you travel him into Egypt. — Of that, answered my
father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the
Pyramids. —
Now every word of this, quoth my uncle Toby, is Arabic
to me. — I wish, said Yorick, 'twas so to half the world.
— * Ilus, continued my father, circumcised his whole
army one morning. — Not without a court martial ? cried my
uncle Toby. — Though the learned, continued he, taking no
notice of my uncle Toby's remark, but turning to Yorick, —
are greatly divided still who Ilus was; — some say Saturn; —
some the Supreme being; — others, no more than a brigadier
general under Pharaoh-neco. — Let him be who he will, said
my uncle Toby, I know not by what article of war he could
justify it.
The controvcrtists, answered my father, assign two-and-
twenty different reasons for it: — others, indeed, who have
drawn their pens on the opposite side of the question,
have shewn the world the futility of the greatest part of
them. — But then again, our best polemic divines — I wish
^ XaXeTrfis voaov, /cat bvcndrov aira\\a'yy\, y\v &v6paKa KaXovoiv. —
PniLO.
- Td TefjiVo/xeva twv iOvuv TroXvyovurara, Kal voXvayOpcoTrorara eivai.
" KaOapioTTjTos eiyeKev. — BocriART.
* "O 'IXos, TIL aldola vepiTep-veTat, ravrb iroiriffai Kal Toi'S afi" aiiTw
^r/jL/xaxovs KarafayKOiffas. — S.AaCHUNIATHO.
CHAP. 29 TRISTRAM SHANDY 351
there was not a polemic divine, said Yorick, in the king-
dom; — one ounce ot practical divinity — is worth a painted
shipload of all their reverences have imported these fifty
years. — Prav, Mr. Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby, — do tell
me what a polemic divine is? — The best description, Captain
Shandv, I have ever read, is of a couple of 'em, replied
^'orick, in the account of the battle fought single hands be-
twixt Gymnast and Captain Tripet; which I have in my
pocket. — I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle Toby earnestly.
— You shall, said Yorick, — And as the corporal is waiting
for me at the door, — and I know the description of a battle
will do the poor fellow more good than his supper, — I beg,
brother, you'll give him leave to come in. — With all mv
soul, said my father. — Trim came in, erect and happy as an
emperor; and having shut the door, Yorick took a book
from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to
read, as follows.
Chaffer 2g
— "which words being heard by all the soldiers which were
there, divers of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink
back and make room for the assailant: all this did Gymnast
very well remark and consider; and therefore, making as
if he would have alighted from otf his horse, as he was
poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly ( with
his short sword by his thigh) shifting his feet in the stirrup
and performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the
inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched
himself aloft into the air, and placed both his feet together
upon the saddle, standing upright, with his back turned
towards his horse's head, — Now (said he) my case goes for-
ward. Then suddenly in the same posture wherein he was,
he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and turning to the left-
hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into
his former position, without missing one jot. — Ha! said
352 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
Tripet, I will not do that at this time, — and not without
cause. Well, said Gymnast, I have failed, — I will undo this
leap; then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning
towards the right-hand, he fetched another frisking gamhol
as before; which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon
the bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung into the
air, poising and upholding his whole weight upon the muscle
and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and whirled him-
self about three times: at the fourth, reversing his body, and
overturning it upside down, and fore-side back, without
touching any thing, he brought himself betwixt the horse's
two ears, and then giving himself a jerking swing, he seated
himself upon the crupper — "
(This can't be fighting, said my uncle Toby. — The cor-
poral shook his head at it. — Have patience, said Yorick.)
"Then (Tripet) passed his right leg over his saddle, and
placed himself en crouf. — But, said he, 'twere better for me
to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands
upon the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning him-
self, as upon the only supporters of his body, he incon-
tinently turned heels over head in the air, and straight found
himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a tolerable seat;
then springing into the air with a summerset, he turned him
about like a wind-mill, and made above a hundred frisks,
turns, and demi-pommadas." — Good God! cried Trim, los-
ing all patience, — one home thrust of a bayonet is worth it
all. — I think so too, replied Yorick. —
I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father.
Chapter jo
— No, — I think I have advanced nothing, replied my
father, making answer to a question which Yorick had taken
the liberty to put to him, — I have advanced nothing in the
Tristra-faedia^ but what is as clear as any one proposition
ia Euclid. — Reach me. Trim, that book from off the scru-
CHAP, p TRIS'l'RAM SHANDY 353
toir: — it has oft-times liccii in inv mind, continued my
father, to have read it over both to )()u, ^'orick, and to my
brother Toby, and I think it a little unfriendly in myself,
in not having done it long ago: — shall we have a short chap-
ter or two now, — and a chapter or two hereafter, as occa-
sions serve; and so on, till we get through the whole? My
uncle Toby and Yorick made the obeisance which was
proper; and the corporal, though he was not included in the
compliment, laid his hand upon his breast, and made his bow
at the same time, — The company smiled. Trim, quoth my
father, has paid the full price for staying out the entertain-
ment. — He did not seem to relish the play, replied Yorick. —
'Twas a Tom- fool-battle, an' please your reverence, of
Captain Tripet's and that other officer, making so many
summersets, as they advanced; — the French come on caper-
ing now and then in that way, — but not quite so much.
My uncle Toby never felt the consciousness of his ex-
istence with more complacency than what the corporal's,
and his own reflections, made him do at that moment; — he
lighted his pipe, — Yorick drew his chair closer to the table,
— Trim snuffed the candle, — my father stirred up the fire,
— took up the book; — coughed twice, and began.
Chapter 5/
The first thirty pages, said my father, turning over the
leaves, — are a little drj'; and as they are not closely con-
nected with the subject, — for the present we'll pass them
by: 'tis a prefatory introduction, continued my father, or an
introductory preface (for I am not determined which name
to give it) upon political or civil government; the founda-
tion of which being laid in the first conjunction betwixt
male and female, for procreation of the species — I was in-
sensibly led into it. — 'Twas natural, said Yorick.
The original of society, continued my father, I'm satis-
fied is, what Politian tells us, Lr,, merely conjugal; and
354 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
nothing more than the getting together of one man and one
woman; — to which (according to Hesiod) the philosopher
adds a servant: — hut supposing in the first beginning there
were no men servants born — he lays the foundation of it,
in a man, — a woman — and a bull. — I believe 'tis an ox,
quoth Yorick, quoting the passage (oIkov ptv npcjTiora,
Y^vaiKa T£, 3ouv t' apoTvipa). — A bull must have given
more trouble than his head was worth. — But there is a better
reason still, said my father (dipping his pen into his ink);
for the ox being the most patient of animals, and the most
useful withal in tilling the ground for their nourishment, —
was the properest instrument, and emblem too, for the new-
joined couple, that the creation could have associated with
them. — And there is a stronger reason, added my uncle
Toby, than them all for the ox. — My father had not power
to take his pen out of his ink-horn, till he had heard my
uncle Toby's reason. — For when the ground was tilled, said
my uncle Toby, and made worth inclosing, then they began
to secure it by walls and ditches, which was the origin of
fortification. — True, true, dear Toby, cried my father,
striking out the bull, and putting the ox in his place.
My father gave Trim a nod, to snufiF the candle, and
resumed his discourse.
— I enter upon this speculation, said my father carelessly,
and half shutting the book, as he went on, — merely to shew
the foundation of the natural relation between a father and
his child; the right and jurisdiction over whom he acquires
these several ways —
1st, by marriage.
2nd, by adoption.
3rd, by legitimation.
And 4th, by procreation; all which I consider in their
order.
I lay a slight stress upon one of them, replied Yorick —
the act, especially where it ends there, in my opinion lays
CHAP. 32 TRISTRAM SHANDY 355
as little obligation upon the child, as it conveys power to
the father. — You are wrong, — said my father, argutely,
and for this plain reason ******
♦ *♦*******
♦ * * * — I own, added my father, that
the offspring, upon this account, is not so under the power
and jurisdiction of the mother. — But the reason, replied
Yorick, equally holds good for her. — She is under authority
herself, said my father: — and besides, continued my father,
nodding his head, and laying his finger upon the side of
his nose, as he assigned his reason, — she is not the principal
agent, "^'orick. — In what, quoth my uncle Toby? stopping
his pipe. — Though by all means, added my father (not at-
tending to my uncle Toby) "The son ought to pay her
respect," as you may read, Yorick, at large in the first book
of the Institutes of Justinian, at the eleventh title and the
tenth section. — I can read it as well, replied Yorick, in the
Catechism.
Chapter 52
Trim can repeat every word of it by heart, quoth my uncle
Toby. — Pugh! said mv father, not caring to be interrupted
with Trim's sa\ ing his Catechism. He can, upon my
honour, replied my uncle Toby. — Ask him, Mr. Yorick, any
question you please. —
— The fifth Commandment, Trim — said Yorick, speak-
ing mildlv, and with a gentle nod, as to a modest Cathc-
chumen. The corporal stood silent. — You don't ask him
right, said my uncle Tob\ , raising his voice, and giving it
rapidly like the word of command: — The fifth — cried my
uncle Toby. — I must begin with the first, an' please your
honour, said the corporal. —
— Yorick could not forbear smiling. — Your reverence
does not consider, said the corporal, shouldering his stick like
a musket, and marching into the middle of the room, to
356 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
illustrate his position, — that 'tis exactly the same thing, as
doino; one's exercise in the field. —
"Join your right-hand to your lirelock," cried the cor-
poral, giving the word of command, and performing the
motion. —
"Poise your firelock," cried the corporal, doing the duty
still both of adjutant and private man.
"Rest your firelock"; — one motion, an' please your rev-
erence, you see leads into another. — If his honour will begin
but with the first —
The First — cried my uncle Toby, setting his hand upon
The Second — cried my uncle Toby, waving his tobacco-
pipe, as he would have done his sword at the head of a
regiment. — The corporal went through his manual with ex-
actness; and having honoured his father and mother, made
a low bow, and fell back to the side of the room.
Every thing in this world, said my father, is big with
jest, — and has wit in it, and instruction too, — if we can but
find it out.
— Here is the scaffold work of Instruction, its true point
of folly, without the building behind it.
— Here is the glass for pedagogues, preceptors, tutors,
governors, gerund-grinders, and bear-leaders to view them-
selves in, in their true dimensions. —
Oh! there is a husk and shell, Yorick, which grows up
with learning, which their unskil fulness knows not how to
fling away!
— Sciences may be learned by rote, but Wisdom not.
Yorick thought my father inspired. — I will enter into
obligations this moment, said my father, to lav out all my
aunt Dinah's legacy in charitable uses (of which, by the
bye, my father had no high opinion), if the corporal has
any one determinate idea annexed to any one word he has
CHAP. 33 TRISTRAM SHANDY 357
repeated. — Prythee, Trim, quoth my father, turning round
to him, — What dost thou mean, by "honouring thy father
and mother"?
Allowing them, an' please your honour, three halfpence
a day out of my pay, when they grew old. — And didst thou
do that. Trim: said YoricL'. — He did indeed, replied my
uncle Toby. — Then, Trim, said "\^orick, springing out of
his chair, and taking the corporal by the hand, thou art the
best commentator upon that part of the Decalogue; and I
honour thee more for it, corporal Trim, than if thou hadst
had a hand in the Talmud itself.
Chapter 33
O BLESSED health ! cried my father, making an exclamation,
as he turned over the leaves to the next chapter, thou art
above all gold and treasure; 'tis thou who enlargest the
soul, — and openest all its powers to receive instruction and
to relish virtue. — He that has thee, has little more to wish
for; — and he that is so wretched as to want thee, — wants
every thing with thee.
I have concentrated all that can be said upon this im-
portant head, said my father, into a very little room, there-
fore we'll read the chapter quite through.
My father read as follows;
"The whole secret of health depending upon the due
contention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the
radical moisture" — You have proved that matter of fact, I
suppose, above, said Yorick. Sufficiently, replied my father.
In saying this, my father shut the book, — not as if he
resolved to read no more of it, for he kept his fore-finger
in the chapter: — nor pettishly, — for he shut the book
slowly; his thumb resting, when he had done it, upon the
upper-side of the cover, as his three fingers supported the
lower side of it, without the least compressive violence. —
358 IRISTRAM SHANDY book v
I have demonstrated the truth of that point, quoth my
father, nodding to Yorick, most sufficiently in the preceding
chapter.
Now could the man in the moon be told, that a man in
the earth had wrote a chapter, sufficiently demonstrating,
That the secret of all health depended upon the due con-
tention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical
moisture, — and that he had managed to point so well, that
there was not one single word wet or dry upon radical heat
or radical moisture, throughout the whole chapter, — or a
single syllable in it, fro or cotiy directly or indirectly, upon
the contention betwixt these two powers in any part of the
animal economy.
"O thou eternal Maker of all beings!" — he would cry,
striking his breast with his right hand (in case he had one)
— "Thou whose power and goodness can enlarge the facul-
ties of Thy creatures to this infinite degree of excellence
and perfection, — What have we Moonites done?"
Chapter 5^
With two strokes, the one at Hippocrates, the other at Lord
Verulam, did my father achieve it.
The stroke at the prince of physicians, with which he be-
gan, was no more than a short insult upon his sorrowful
complaint of the Ars loTiga, — and Vita brevis. — Life short,
cried my father, — and the art of healing tedious! And
who are we to thank for both the one and the other, but
the ignorance of quacks themselves, — and the stage-loads
of chemical nostrums, and peripatetic lumber, with which,
in all ages, they have first flattered the world, and at last
deceived it?
— O my lord Verulam! cried my father, turning from
Hippocrates, and making his second stroke at him, as the
principal of nostrum-mongers, and the fittest to be made an
CHAP. 35 TRISTRAM SHA>;DY 359
example of to the rest, — What shall I say to thee, my great
lord Verulam? What shall I say to thy internal spirit, —
thy opium, thy salt-petrc, — thy greasy unctions, — thy daily
purges, — thy nightly clysters, and succedancums?
— My father was never at a loss what to say to any man,
upon any subject; and had the least occasion for the ex-
ordium of any man breathing: how he dealt with his lord-
ship's opinion, — you shall see; — but when — I know not —
we must first see what his lordship's opinion was.
Chapter 55
"The i^vo great causes, which conspire with each other to
shorten" life, says lord Verulam, are first —
"The internal spirit, which, like a gentle flame, wastes
the body down to death: — And secondly, the external air,
that parches the body up to ashes: — which two enemies at-
tacking us on both sides of our bodies together, at length
destroy our organs, and render them unfit to carry on the
functions of life."
This being the state of the case, the road to Longevity
was plain; nothing more being required, says his lordship,
but to repair the waste committed by the internal spirit, by
making the substance of it more thick and dense, by a
regular course of opiates on one side, and by refrigerating
the heat of it on the other, by three grains and a half of
salt-petre every morning before you got up. —
Still the frame of ours was left exposed to the inimical
assaults of the air without; — but this was fenced oflF again
by a course of greasy unctions, which so fully saturated
the pores of the skin, that no spicula could enter; — nor
could any one get out. — This put a stop to all perspiration,
sensible and insensible, which being the cause of so many
scurvy distempers — a course of clysters was requisite to
carry off redendant humours, — and render the system com-
plete.
360 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
What my father had to say to my lord of Verulam's
opiates, his salt-petre, and greasy unctions and clysters, you
shall read, — but not to-day — or to-morrow: time presses
upon me, — my reader is impatient — I must get forwards.
— You shall read the chapter at your leisure (if you choose
it), as soon as ever the Tristra-faedia is published. —
Sufficeth it at present, to say, my father levelled the hy-
pothesis with the ground, and in doing that, the learned
know, he built up and established his own. —
Chaffer 5 (5
The whole secret of health, said my father, beginning the
sentence again, depending evidently upon the due contention
betwixt the radical heat and radical moisture within us; —
the least imasrinablc skill had been sufficient to have main-
tained it, had not the schoolmen confounded the talk, merely
(as Van Helmont, the famous chemist, has proved) by all
along mistaking the radical moisture for the tallow and
fat of animal bodies.
Now the radical moisture is not the tallow or fat of
animals, but an oily and balsamous substance; for the fat
and tallow, as also the phlegm or watery parts, are cold;
whereas the oily and balsamous parts are of a lively heat and
spirit, which accounts for the observation of Aristotle,
"Quod ornne animal fost coituni est triste."
Now it is certain, that the radical heat lives in the radical
moisture, but whether vice versa, is a doubt: however, when
the one decays, the other decays also; and then is produced,
either an unnatural heat, which causes an unnatural dry-
ness — or an unnatural moisture, which causes dropsies. —
So that if a child, as he grows up, can but be taught to
avoid running into fire or water, as either of 'em threaten
his destruction, — 'twill be all that is needful to be done
upon that head. —
CHAP. 37 TRISTRAM SHANDY 361
Chapter 57
The description of the siege of Jericho itself, could not
have engaged the attention of my uncle Toby more power-
fully than the last chapter; — his eyes were fixed upon my
father throughout it; — he never mentioned radical heat
and radical moisture, but my uncle Toby took his pipe out
of his mouth, and shook his head; and as soon as the
chapter was finished, he beckoned to the corporal to come
close to his chair, to ask him the following question,
* * * * * *. It was at the siege of
Limerick, an' please your honour, replied the corporal, mak-
ing a bow.
The poor fellow and I, quoth my uncle Toby addressing
himself to my father, were scarce able to crawl out of our
tents, at the time the siege of Limerick was raised, upon
the very account you mention. — Now what can have got
into that precious noddle of thine, my dear brother Toby?
cried my father, mentally. — By Heaven! continued he,
communing still with himself, it would puzzle an Oedipus
to bring it in point. —
I believe, an' please your honour, quoth the corporal, that
if it had not been for the quantity of brandy we set fire to
every night, and the claret and cinnamon with which I plied
your honour off; — And the geneva, Trim, added my uncle
Toby, which did us more good than all — I verily believe,
continued the corporal, we had both, an' please your honour,
left our lives in the trenches, and been buried in them too.
— The noblest grave, corporal ! cried my uncle Toby, his
eyes sparkling as he spoke, that a soldier could wish to lie
down in. — But a pitiful death for him! an' please your
honour, replied the corporal.
All this was as much Arabic to my father, as the rites of
the Colchi and Troglodites had been before to my uncle
362 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
Toby; my father could not iletermine whether he was to
frown or to smile. —
My uncle Toby, turning to Yorick, resumed the case at
Limerick, more intelligently than he had begun it, — and
so settled the point for my father at once.
Chapter ^8
It was undoubtedly, said my uncle Toby, a great happiness
for myself and the corporal, that we had all along a burning
fever, attended with a most raging thirst, during the whole
five-and-twenty days the flux was upon us in the camp;
otherwise what my brother calls the radical moisture, must,
as I conceive it, inevitably have got the better. — My father
drew in his lungs top-full of air, and looking up, blew it
forth again, as slowly as he possibly could. —
— It was Heaven's mercy to us, continued my uncle
Toby, which put it into the corporal's head to maintain that
due contention betwixt the radical heat and the radical mois-
ture, by reinforcing the fever, as he did all along, with hot
wine and spices; whereby the corporal kept up (as it were)
a continual firing, so that the radical heat stood its ground
from the beginning to the end, and was a fair match for the
moisture, terrible as it was. — Upon my honour, added my
uncle Toby, you might have heard the contention within our
bodies, brother Shandy, twenty toises. — If there was no
firing, said Yorick.
Well — said my father, with a full aspiration, and paus-
ing a while after the word — Was I a judge, and the laws of
the country which made me one permitted it, I would con-
demn some of the worst malefactors, provided they had
had their clergy — Yorick, foreseeing the sentence was likely
to end with no sort of mercy, laid his hand upon my father's
breast, and begged he would respite it for a few minutes,
till he asked the corporal a question. — Prithee, Trim, said
Yorick, without staying for my father's leave, — tell us
CHAP. 39 TRISTRAM SHANDY 363
honestly — what is thy opinion concerning this self-same
radical heat and radical moisture?
With humble submission to his honour's better judgment,
quoth the corporal, making a bow to my uncle Toby — Speak
thy opinion freely, corporal, said my uncle Toby. — The
poor fellow is my servant, — not my slave, — added my uncle
Toby, turning to my father. —
The corporal put his hat under his left arm, and with his
stick hanging upon the wrist of it, by a black thong split
into a tassel about the knot, he marched up to the ground
where he had performed his catechism; then touching his
under-jaw with the thumb and fingers of his right-hand
before he opened his mouth, — he delivered his notion thus.
Chaffer jg
Jl'st as the corporal was humming, to begin — in waddled
Dr. Slop. — 'Tis not two-pence matter — the corporal shall
go on in the next chapter, let who will come in. —
Well, my good doctor, cried my father sportively, for
the transitions of his passions were unaccountably sudden, —
and what has this whelp of mine to say to the matter?
Had my father been asking after the amputation of the
tail of a pupp\-dog — he could not have done it in a more
careless air: the system which Dr. Slop had laid down, to
treat the accident b\-, no way allowed of such a mode of
enquir) . — He sat down.
Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, in a manner which
could not go unanswered, — in what condition is the bo\'? —
'Twill end in a phimosis, replied Dr. Slop.
I am no wiser than I was, quoth my uncle Tob) — return-
ing his pipe into his mouth. — Then let the corporal go on,
said my father, with his medical lecture. — The corporal
made a bow to his old friend. Dr. Slop, and then delivered
his opinion concerning radical heat and radical moisture,
in the following words.
364 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
Chafter ^o
The city of Limerick, the siege of which was begun under
his majesty King William himself, the year after I went
into the army — lies, an' please your honours, in the middle
of a devilish wet, swampy country. — 'Tis quite surrounded,
said my uncle Toby, with the Shannon, and is, by its situa-
tion, one of the strongest fortified places in Ireland. —
I think this is a new fashion, quoth Dr. Slop, of beginning
a medical lecture. — 'Tis all true, answered Trim. — Then
I wish the faculty would follow the cut of it, said Yorick.
— 'Tis all cut through, an' please your reverence, said the
corporal, with drains and bogs; and besides, there was such
a quantity of rain fell during the siege, the whole country
was like a puddle, — 'twas that, and nothing else, which
brought on the flux, and which had like to have killed both
his honour and myself 5 now there was no such thing, after
the first ten days, continued the corporal, for a soldier to
lie dry in his tent, without cutting a ditch round it, to draw
off the water; — nor was that enough, for those who could
afford it, as his honour could, without setting fire every
night to a pewter dish full of brandy, which took off the
damp of the air, and made the inside of the tent as warm as
a stove. —
And what conclusion dost thou draw, corporal Trim,
cried my father, from all these premises?
I infer, an' please your worship, replied Trim, that the
radical moisture is nothing in the world but ditch-water —
and that the radical heat, of those who can go to the expense
of it, is burnt brandy, — the radical heat and moisture of a
private man, an' please your honour, is nothing but ditch-
water — and a dram of geneva — and give us but enough of
it, with a pipe of tobacco, to give us spirits, and drive away
the vapours — we know not what it is to fear death.
I am at a loss, Captain Shandy, quoth Dr. Slop, to deter-
CHAP. 42 TRISTRAM SHANDY 365
mine in which branch of learning your servant shines most,
whether in physiolog)' or divinity. — Slop had not forgot
Trim's comment upon the sermon. —
It is but an hour ago, replied Yorick, since the corporal
was examined in the latter, and passed muster with great
honour. —
The radical heat and moisture, quoth Dr. Slop, turning
to my father, you must know, is the basis and foundation
of our being — as the root of a tree is the source and principle
of its vegetation. — It is inherent in the seeds of all animals,
and may be preserved sundry ways, but principally in mv
opinion by consubstantials, impriments, and occludents. —
Now this poor fellow, continued Dr. Slop, pointing to the
corporal, has had the misfortune to have heard some super-
ficial empiric discourse upon this nice point. — That he has,
— said my father. — Very likely, said my uncle. — I'm sure
of it — quoth Yorick. —
Chapter .//
Doctor Slop being called out to look at a cataplasm he
had ordered, it gave my father an opportunity of going on
with another chapter in the Trlstra-facdla. — Come! cheer
up, my lads; I'll shew you land — for when we have tugged
through that chapter, the book shall not be opened again
this twelvemonth. — Huzza! —
Chapter 42
— Five years with a bib under his chin;
Four years in travelling from Christ-cross-row to Mala-
chi;
A year and a half in learning to write his own name;
Seven long years and more ri/nr'jj-ing it, at Greek and
Latin ;
Four years at his probations and his negations — the fine
statue still lying in the middle of the marble block, — and
366 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
nothing done, but his tools sharpened to hew it out! — 'Tis
a piteous delay! — Was not the great Julius Scaliger within
an ace of never getting his tools sharpened at all? — Forty-
four years old was he before he could manage his Greek;
— and Peter Damianus, lord bishop of Ostia, as all the
world knows, could not so much as read, when he was
of man's estate. — And Baldus himself, as eminent as he
turned out after, entered upon the law so late in life, that
every body imagined he intended to be an advocate in the
other world: no wonder, when Eudamidas, the son of Archi-
damas, heard Xenocrates at seventy-five disputing about
wisdom, that he asked gravely, — If the old man be yet
disputing and enquiring concerning wisdom, — what time
will he have to make use of it?
Yorick listened to my father with great attention; there
was a seasoning of wisdom unaccountably mixed up with
his strangest whims, and he had sometimes such illuminations
in the darkest of his eclipses, as almost atoned for them: —
be wary, Sir, when you imitate him.
I am convinced, Yorick, continued my father, half read-
ing and half discoursing, that there- is a North-west passage
to the intellectual world; and that the soul of man has
shorter ways of going to work, in furnishing itself with
knowledge and instruction, than we generally take with it.
— But, alack! all fields have not a river or a spring running
beside them; — every child, Yorick, has not a parent to point
it- out.
— The whole entirely depends, added my father, in a
low voice, upon the auxiliary verbs, Mr. Yorick.
Had Yorick trod upon Virgil's snake, he could not have
looked more surprised. — I am surprised too, cried my father,
observing it, — and I reckon it as one of the greatest calami-
ties which ever bcfel the republic of letters. That those
who have been entrusted with the education of our children,
and whose business it was to open their minds, and stock them
CHAP. 43 TRISTRAM SHANDY 367
early with ideas, in order to set the imagination loose upon
them, have made so little use of the auxiliary verbs in doing
it, as they have done — So that, except Raymond LuUius, and
the elder Pelegrini, the last of which arrived to such per-
fection in the use of 'em, with his topics, that, in a few les-
sons, he could teach a young gentleman to discourse with
plausibility upon any subject, pro and co7iy and to say and
write all that could be spoken or written concerning it, with-
out blotting a word, to the admiration of all who beheld
him. — I should be glad, said Yorick, interrupting my father
to be made to comprehend this matter. You shall, said my
father.
The highest stretch of improvement a single word is
capable of, is a high metaphor, — for which, in my opinion,
the idea is generally the worse, and not the better; — but
be that as it may, — when the mind has done that with it —
there is an end, — the mind and the idea are at rest, — until
a second idea enters; — and so on.
Now the use of the Auxiliaries is, at once to set the soul
a-going by herself upon the materials as they are brought
her; and by the versability of this great engine, round which
they are twisted, to open new tracts of enquiry, and make
every idea engender millions.
You excite mv curiosity greatly, said Yorick.
For my own part, quoth my uncle Toby, I have given
it up. — The Danes, an' please your honour, quoth the cor-
poral, who were on the left at the siege of Limerick, were
all auxiliaries. — And very good ones, said my uncle Toby. —
But the auxiliaries, Trim, my brother is talking about, — 1
conceive to be different things. —
— You do? said my father, rising up.
Chaffer ^3
My father took a single turn across the room, then sat down,
and finished the chapter.
368 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v
The verbs auxiliary we are concerned in here, continued
my father, are, am; was; have; had; do; did; make; madej
suffer; shall; should; will; would; can; could; owe;
ought; used; or is wont. — And these varied with tenses,
present, past, future, and conjugated with the verb see, — or
with these questions added to them; — Is it? Was it? Will
it be? Would it be? May it be? Might it be? And these
again put negatively. Is it not? Was it not? Ought it
not? Or affirmatively, — It is; It was; It ought to be.
Or chronologically, — Has it been always? Lately? How
long ago? — Or hypothetically, — If it was? If it was
not? What would follow? — If the French should beat
the English? If the Sun go out of the Zodiac?
Now, by the right use and application of these, continued
my father, in which a child's memory should be exercised,
there is no one idea can enter his brain, how barren soever,
but a magazine of conceptions and conclusions may be
drawn forth from it. — Didst thou ever see a white bear?
cried my father, turning his head round to Trim, who
stood at the back of his chair: — No, an' please your honour,
replied the corporal. — But thou couldst discourse about one.
Trim, said my father, in case of need? — How is it possible,
brother, quoth my uncle Toby, if the corporal never saw
one? — 'Tis the fact I want, replied my father, — and the
possibility of it is as follows.
A white bear! Very well. Have I ever seen one?
Might I ever have seen one? Am I ever to see one? Ought
I ever to have seen one? Or can I ever see one?
Would I had seen a white bear! (for how can I imagine
it?)
If I should see a white bear, what should I say? If I
should never see a white bear, what then?
If I never have, can, must, or shall see a white bear
alive; have I ever seen the skin of one? Did I ever see one
painted? — described? Have I never dreamed of one?
CHAP. 43 TRISTRAM SHANDY 369
Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brothers or sisters,
ever see a white bear? What would they give? How
would they behave? How would the white bear have be-
haved? Is he wild? Tame? Terrible? Rough?
Smooth ?
— Is the white bear worth seeing? —
— Is there no sin in it? —
Is it better than a black one?
BOOK VI
Chaffer i
— We'll not stop two moments, my dear Sir, — only, as we
have got through these five volumes, (do, Sir, sit down upon
a set — they are better than nothing) let us just look back
upon the country we have passed through. —
— What a wilderness has it been ! and what a mercy that
we have not both of us been lost, or devoured by wild
beasts in it!
Did you think the world itself. Sir, had contained such
a number of Jack Asses? — How they viewed and reviewed
us as we passed over the rivulet at the bottom of that little
valley! — and when we climbed over that hill, and were just
getting out of sight — good God! what a braying did they
all set up together!
— Prithee, shepherd! who keeps all those Jack Asses?***
— Heaven be their comforter — What! are they never
curried? — Are they never taken in in winter? — Bray bray —
bray. Bray on, — the world is deeply your debtor; — louder
still — that's nothing: — in good sooth, you are ill-used: —
Was I a Jack Asse, I solemnly declare, I would bray in
G-fol-re-ut from morning, even unto night.
Chaffer 2
When my father had danced his white bear backwards and
forwards through half a dozen pages, he closed the book
for good and all, — and in a kind of triumph redelivered it
into Trim's hand, with a nod to lay it upon the 'scrutoire,
where he found it. — Tristram, said he, shall be made to
conjugate every word in the dictionary, backwards and for-
wards the same way; — every word, Yorick, by this means,
370
CHAP. 2 TRISTRAM SHANDY 371
you sec, is converted into a thesis or an hypothesis; — every
thesis and hypothesis have an offspring of propositions; —
and each proposition has its own consequences and conclu-
sions; every one of which leads the mind on again, into
fresh tracks of enquiries and doubtings. — The force of this
engine, added my father, is incredible in opening a child's
head. — 'Tis enough, brother Shandy, cried my uncle Toby,
to burst it into a thousand splinters. —
I presume, said Yorick, smiling, — it must be owing to
this, — (for let logicians say what they will, it is not to be
acocuntcd for sufficiently from the bare use of the ten
predicaments) — That the famous Vincent Quirino, amongst
the many other astonishing feats of his childhood, of which
the Cardinal Bembo has given the world so exact a story, —
should be able to paste up in the public schools at Rome,
so early as in the eighth year of his age, no less than four
thousand five hundred and fifty different theses, upon the
most abstruse points of the most abstruse theology; — and
to defend and maintain them in such sort, as to cramp and
dumbfound his opponents. — What is that, cried my father,
to what is told us of Alphonsus Tostatus, who, almost in
his nurse's arms, learned all the sciences and liberal arts
without being taught any one of them? — What shall we say
of the great Piereskius? — That's the very man, cried my
uncle Toby, I once told you of, brother Shandy, who
walked a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning from
Paris to Shevling, and from Shevling back again, merely
to see Stevinus's flying chariot. — He was a very great man!
added my uncle Toby (meaning Stevinus) — He was so,
brother Toby, said my father (meaning Piereskius) — and
had multiplied his ideas so fast, and increased his knowledge
to such a prodigious stock, that, if we may give credit to
an anecdote concerning him, which we cannot withhold
here, without shaking the authority of all anecdotes what-
ever — at seven years of age, his father committed entirely to
372 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
his care the education of his younger brother, a boy of five
years old, — with the sole management of all his concerns.
— Was the father as wise as the son? quoth my uncle Toby:
— I should think not, said Yorick: — But what are these,
continued my father — (breaking out in a kind of en-
thusiasm) — what are these, to those prodigies of childhood
in Grotius, Scioppius, Heinsius, Politian, Pascal, Joseph
Scaliger, Ferdinand de Cordoue, and others — some of which
left oif their substantial forms at nine years old, or sooner,
and went on reasoning without them; — others went through
their classics at seven; — wrote tragedies at eight; — Ferdi-
nand de Cordoue was so wise at nine, — 'twas thought the
Devil was in him;— and at Venice gave such proofs of his
knowledge and goodness, that the monks imagined he was
Antichrist, or nothing. — Others were masters of fourteen
languages at ten, — finished the course of their rhetoric,
poetry, logic, and ethics, at eleven, — put forth their com-
mentaries upon Servius and Martianus Capella at twelve,
— and at thirteen received their degrees in philosophy, laws,
and divinity: — But you forget the great Lipsius, quoth
Yorick, who composed a work ^ the day he was born : —
They should have wiped it up, said my uncle Toby, and
said no more about it.
Chapter 5
When the cataplasm was ready, a scruple of decorum had
unseasonably rose up in Susannah's conscience, about holding
the candle, whilst Slop tied it on; Slop had not treated
1 Nous aurions quelque interet, says Baillet, de montrer qu'il n'a
rien de ridicule s'il etoit veritable, au moins dans le sens enij^raatique
que Nicius Erythraeus a tache de lui donner. Cet auteur dit que pour
comprcndre comme Lipse, il a pu composer un ouvrage le premier
jour de sa vie, il faut s'imaginer, que ce premier jour n'est pas celui
de sa naissance charnellc, mais celui au quel il a commence d'user de
la raison; il veut que q'ait ete a Tage de neuf ans; et il nous veut
persuader que ce fut en cet age, que Lipse fit un poeme.— Le tour est
ingenieux, etc., etc.
CHAP. 4 TRISTRAM SHANDY 373
Susannah's distemper with anodynes, — and so a quarrel had
ensued betwixt them.
— Oh! oh! — said Slop, casting a glance of undue free-
dom in Susannah's face, as she declined the office; — then, I
think I know you, madam — "V'ou know me, Sir! cried Susan-
nah fastidiously, and with a toss of her head, levelled
evidently, not at his profession, but at the doctor himself, —
you know me! cried Susannah again. — Doctor Slop clapped
his finger and his thumb instantly upon his nostrils; —
Susannah's spleen was ready to burst at it; — 'Tis false,
said Susannah. — Come, come, Mrs. Modesty, said Slop, not
a little elated with the success of his last thrust, — If you
won't hold the candle, and look — you may hold it and shut
your eyes: — That's one of your popish shifts, cried Susan-
nah: — 'Tis better, said Slop, with a nod, than no shift at all,
young woman; — I defy you, Sir, cried Susannah, pulling
her shift sleeve below her elbow.
It was almost impossible for two persons to assist each
other in a surgical case with a more splenetic cordiality.
Slop snatched up the cataplasm, — -Susannah snatched up
the candle; — a little this way, said Slop; Susannah looking
one way, and rowing another, instantly set fire to Slop's wig,
which being somewhat bushy and unctuous withal, was
burnt out before it was well kindled. — You impudent
whore! cried Slop, — (for what is passion, but a wild beastr )
— you impudent whore, cried Slop, getting upright, with the
cataplasm in his hand; — I never was the destruction of any
body's nose, said Susannah, — which is more than you can
say: — Is it? cried Slop, throwing the cataplasm in her face;
— Yes, it it, cried Susannah, returning the compliment with
what was left in the pan.
Chaffer tf
Doctor Slop and Susannah filed cross-bills against each
other in the parlour; which done, as the cataplasm had
374 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
failed, they retired into the kitchen to prepare a fomentation
for me; — and whilst that was doing, my father determined
the point as you will read.
Chapter 5
You see 'tis high time, said my father, addressing himself
equally to my uncle Toby and Yorick, to take this young
creature out of these women's hands, and put him into those
of a private governor. Marcus Antoninus provided fourteen
governors all at once to superintend his son Commodus's
education, — and in six weeks he cashiered five of them; —
I know very well, continued my father, that Commodus's
mother was in love with a gladiator at the time of her con-
ception, which accounts for a great many of Commodus's
cruelties when he became emperor; — but still I am of
opinion, that those five whom Antoninus dismissed, did
Commodus's temper, in that short time, more hurt than
the other nine were able to rectify all their lives long.
Now as I consider the person who is to be about my son,
as the mirror in which he is to view himself from morning
to night, and by which he is to adjust his looks, his carriage,
and perhaps the inmost sentiments of his heart; — I would
have one, Yorick, if possible, polished at all points, fit for my
child to look into. — This is very good sense, quoth my uncle
Toby to himself.
— There is, continued my father, a certain mien and
motion of the body and all its parts, both in acting and speak-
ing, which argues a man well within; and I am not at all sur-
prised that Gregory of Nazianzum, upon observing the hasty
and untoward gosvures of Julian, should foretell he would
one day become an apostate; — or that St. Ambrose should
turn his Amanuensis out of doors, because of an indecent
motion of his head, which went backwards and forwards like
a flail; — or that Democritus should conceive Protagoras to
be a scholar, from seeing him bind up a faggot, and thrust-
CHAP. 5 TRISTRAM SHAND^- 375
ing, as he did it, the small twigs inwards. — There are a
thousand unnoticed openings, continued my father, which
let a penetrating eye at once into a man's soul ; and I main-
tain it, added he, that a man of sense does not lay down his
hat in coming into a room, — or take it up in going out of
it, but something escapes, which discovers him.
It is for these reasons, continued my father, that the gov-
ernor I make choice of shall neither ^ lisp, or squint, or
wink, or talk loud, or look fierce, or foolish; — or bite his
lips, or grind his teeth, or speak through his nose, or pick
it, or blow it with his fingers. —
He shall neither walk fast, — or slow, or fold his arms,
— for that is laziness; — or hang them down, — for that is
folly; or hide them in his pocket, for that is nonsense. —
He shall neither strike, or pinch, or tickle, — or bite, or
cut his nails, or hawk, or spit, or snift, or drum with his
feet or fingers in company; — nor (according to Erasmus)
shall he speak to any one in making water, — nor shall he
point to carrion or excrement. — Now this is all nonsense
again, quoth my uncle Toby to himself. —
I will have him, continued my father, cheerful, facete,
jovial; at the same time, prudent, attentive to business,
vigilant, acute, argute, inventive, quick in resolving doubts
and speculative questions; — he shall be wise, and judicious,
and learned: — And why not humble, and moderate, and
gentle-tempered, and good? said Yorick: — And why not,
cried my uncle Toby, free, and generous, and bountiful, and
braver — He shall, mv dear Toby, replied my father, getting
up and shaking him by his hand. — Then, brother Shandy,
answered my uncle Toby, raising himself ofif the chair,
and laying down his pipe to take hold of my father's othei
hand, — I humbly beg I may recommend poor Le Fever's
son to you; — a tear of joy of the first water sparkled in
my uncle Toby's eye, and another, the fellow to it, in the
' Vid. Pelie«rina.
376 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
corporal's, as the proposition was made; — you will see why
when you read Le Fever's story: — fool that I was! nor can
I recollect (nor perhaps you) without turning back to the
place, what it was that hindered me from letting the cor-
poral tell it in his own words; — but the occasion is lost, — I
must tell it now in my own.
Chapter 6
The Story of Le Fever
It was some time in the summer of that year in which Den-
dermond was taken by the allies, — which was about seven
years before my father came into the country, — and about
as many, after the time, that my uncle Toby and Trim had
privately decamped from my father's house in town, in order
to lay some of the finest sieges to some of the finest forti-
fied cities in Europe — when my uncle Toby was one evening
getting his supper, with Trim sitting behind him at a small
'■.ideboard, — I say, sitting — for in consideraton of the cor-
poral's lame knee (which sometimes gave him exquisite
pain) — when my uncle Toby dined or supped alone, he
would never suffer the corporal to stand; and the poor
fellow's veneration for his master was such, that, with a
proper artillery, my uncle Toby could have taken Dender-
mond itself, with less trouble than he was able to gain this
point over him; for many a time when my uncle Toby
supposed the corporal's leg was at rest, he would look back,
and detect him standing behind him with the most dutiful
respect: this bred more little squabbles betwixt them, than
all other causes for five-and-twenty years together — But
this is neither here nor there — why do I mention it? — Ask
my pen, — it governs me, — I govern not it.
He was one evening sitting thus at his supper, when the
landlord of a little inn in the village came into the parlour,
with an empty phial in his hand, to beg a glass or two of
CHAP. 6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 377
sack; 'Tis for a poor gentleman, — I think, of the army,
said the landlord, who has been taken ill at mv house four
days ago, and has never held up his head since, or had a
desire to taste any thing, till just now, that he has a fancy for
a glass of sack and n thin toast, — I think, says he, taking
his hand from his forehead, it would comfort me. —
— If I could neither beg, borrow, or buy such a thing —
added the landlord, — I would almost steal it for the poor
gentleman, he is so ill. — I hope in God he will still mend,
continued he, — we are all of us concerned for him.
Thou art a good-natured soul, I will answer for thee,
cried my uncle Toby; and thou shalt drink the poor gentle-
man's health in a glass of sack thyself, — and take a couple
of bottles with my service, and tell him he is heartily wel-
come to them, and to a dozen more if they will do him
good.
Though I am persuaded, said my uncle Toby, as the
landlord shut the door, he is a very compassionate fellow
— Trim, — yet I cannot help entertaining a high opinion of
his guest too; there must be something more than common
in him, that in so short a time should win so much upon
the affections of his host; — And of his whole family, added
the corporal, for they are all concerned for him. — Step
after him, said my uncle Toby, — do, Trim, — and ask if
he knows his name.
— I have quite forgot it truly, said the landlord, coming
back into the parlour with the corporal, — but I can ask his
son again: — Has he a son with him then? said my uncle
Toby. — A boy, replied the landlord, of about eleren or
twelve years of age; — but the poor creature has tasted
almost as little as his father; he does nothing but mourn
and lament for him night and day: — He has not stirred
from the bed-side these two days.
My uncle Toby laid down his knife and fork, and thrust
his plate from before him, as the landlord gave him the ac-
378 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
count; and Trim, without being ordered, took away, with-
out saying one word, and in a few minutes after brought him
his pipe and tobacco.
— Stay in the room a little, said my uncle Toby.
Trim! — said my uncle Toby, after he lighted his pipe,
and smoked about a dozen whiffs. — Trim came in front of
his master, and made his bow; — my uncle Toby smoked on,
and said no more. — Corporal! said my uncle Toby — the
corporal made his bow. — My uncle Toby proceeded no
farther, but finished his pipe.
Trim! said my uncle Toby, I have a project in my head,
as it is a bad night, of wrapping myself up warm in my
roquelaure, and paying a visit to this poor gentleman. —
Your honour's roquelaure, replied the corporal, has not once
been had on, since the night before your honour received
your wound, when we mounted guard in the trenches before
the gate of St. Nicolas; — and besides, it is so cold and
rainy a night, that what with the roquelaure, and what
with the weather, 'twill be enough to give your honour
your death, and bring on your honour's torment in your
groin. I fear so, replied my uncle Toby; but I am not at
rest in my mind. Trim, since the account the landlord has
given me. — I wish I had not known so much of this affair,
— added my uncle Toby, — or that I had known more of it:
— How shall we manage it? Leave it, an't please your
honour, to me, quoth the corporal; — I'll take my hat and
stick and go to the house and reconnoitre, and act accord-
ingly; and I will bring your honour a full account in an
hour. — Thou shalt go. Trim, said my uncle Toby, and
here's a shilling for thee to drink with his servant. — I shall
get it all out of him, said the corporal, shutting the door.
My uncle Toby filled his second pipe; and had it not
been, that he now and then wandered from the point, with
considering whether it was not full as well to have the
curtin of the tenaille a straight line, as a crooked one, — •
CHAP. 7 TRISTRAM SHANDY 379
he might be said to have thought of nothing else but poor
Le Fever and his boy the whole time he smoked it.
Chapter 7
The Story of Le Fever Continued
It was not till my uncle Toby had knocked the ashes out of
his third pipe, that corporal Trim returned from the inn,
and gave him the following account.
I despaired, at first, said the corporal, of being able to
bring back your honour any kind of intelligence concerning
the poor sick lieutenant — Is he in the army, then: said my
uncle Toby — He is, said the corporal — And in what regi-
ment? said my uncle Toby — I'll tell your honour, replied
the corporal, everything straight forwards, as I learnt it. —
Then, Trim, I'll fill another pipe, said my uncle Toby, and
not interrupt thee till thou hast done; so sit down at thy
ease, Trim, in the window-seat, and begin thy story again.
The corporal made his old bow, which generally spoke as
plain as a bow could speak it — Your honour is good: — And
having done that, he sat down, as he was ordered, — and
begun the story to mv uncle Toby over again in pretty near
the same words.
I despaired at first, said the corporal, of being able to
bring back any intelligence to your honour, about the lieu-
tenant and his son ; for when I asked where his servant was,
from whom I made myself sure of knowing every thing
which was proper to be asked, — That's a right distinction.
Trim, said my uncle Toby — I was answered, an' please
your honour, that he had no servant with him; — that he
had come to the inn with hired horses, which, upon finding
himself unable to proceed (to join, I suppose, the regiment),
he had dismissed the morning after he came. — If I ge«
better, my dear, said he, as he gave his purse to his son to
pay the man, — we can hire horses from hence. — But alas!
380 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
the poor gentleman will never get from hence, said the
landlady to me, — for I heard the death-watch all night
long; — and when he dies, the youth, his son, will certainly
die with him; for he is broken-hearted already.
I was hearing this account, continued the corporal, when
the youth came into the kitchen, to order the thin toast
the landlord spoke of; — but I will do it for my father
myself, said the youth. — Pray let me save you the trouble,
young gentleman, said I, taking up a fork for the purpose,
and offering him my chair to sit down upon by the fire,
whilst I did it. — I believe, Sir, said he, very modestly, I can
please him best myself. — I am sure, said I, his honour will
not like the toast the worse for being toasted by an old
soldier. — The youth took hold of my hand, and instantly
burst into tears. — Poor youth! said my uncle Toby, — he
has been bred up from an infant in the army, and the name
of a soldier, Trim, sounded in his ears like the name of a
friend; — I wish I had him here.
— I never, in the longest march, said the corporal, had
so great a mind to my dinner, as I had to cry with him for
company: — What could be the matter with me, an' please
your honour? Nothing in the world, Trim, said my uncle
Toby, blowing his nose, — but that thou art a good-natured
fellow.
When I gave him the toast, continued the corporal, I
thought it was proper to tell him I was Captain Shandy's
servant, and that your honour (though a stranger) was ex-
tremely concerned for his father; — and that if there was
2ny thing in your house or cellar — (and thou might'st have
added my purse too, said my uncle Toby) — he was heartily
welcome to it: — He made a very low bow (which was
meant to your honour), but no answer — for his heart was
full — so he went up stairs with the toast; — I warrant you,
my dear, said I, as I opened the kitchen-door, your father
will be well again. — Mr. Yorick's curate was smoking a
CHAP. 7 TRISTRAM SHANDY 381
pipe by the kitchen fire, — but said not a word good or bad
to comfort the youth. — I thought it wrong; added the cor-
poral — I think so too, said my uncle Toby.
When the lieutenant had taken his glass of sack and toast,
he felt himself a little revived, and sent down into the
kitchen, to let me know, that in about ten minutes he should
be glad if I would step up stairs. — I believe, said the land-
lord, he is going to say his prayers, — for there was a book
laid upon the chair by his bed-side, and as I shut the door,
I saw his son take up a cushion. —
I thought, said the curate, that you gentlemen of the
army, Mr. Trim, never said your prayers at all. — I heard
the poor gentleman say his prayers last night, said the land-
lady, very devoutly, and with my own ears, or I could not
have believed it. — Are you sure of it? replied the curate. — A
soldier, an' please your reverence, said I, prays as often (of
his own accord) as a parson; — and when he is fighting for
his king, and for his own life, and for his honour too, he
has the most reason to pray to God of any one in the whole
world — 'Twas well said of thee. Trim, said my uncle Toby.
— But when a soldier, said I, an' please your reverence, has
been standing for twelve hours together in the trenches, up
to his knees in cold water, — or engaged, said I, for months
together in long and dangerous marches; — harassed, per-
haps, in his rear to-day; — harassing others to-morrow; —
detached here; — countermanded there; — resting this night
out upon his arms; — beat up in his shirt the next; — be-
numbed in his joints; — perhaps without straw in his tent to
kneel on; — must sa\' his pravers how and when he can. — I
believe, said I, — for I was piqued, quoth the corporal, for
the reputation of the army, — I believe, an' please your rev-
erence, said I, that when a soldier gets time to pray, — he
prays as heartily as a parson, — though not with all his fuss
and hypocrisy. — Thou shouldst not have said that, Trim,
said my uncle Toby, — for God only knows who is a hypo-
382 TRISTRAM SHANDY bookvi
crite, and who is not: — At the great and general review of
us all, corporal, at the day of judgment (and not till then) —
it will be seen who has done their duties in this world, — and
who has not, and we shall be advanced, Trim, accordingly. —
I hope we shall, said Trim. — It is in the Scripture, said my
uncle Toby; and I will shew it thee to-morrow: — In the
mean time we may depend upon it, Trim, for our comfort,
said my uncle Toby, that God Almighty is so good and just
a governor of the world, that if we have but done our duties
in it, — it will never be enquired into, whether we have done
them in a red coat or a black one: — I hope not, said the cor-
poral — But go on. Trim, said my uncle Toby, with thy
story.
When I went up, continued the corporal, into the lieu-
tenant's room, which I did not do till the expiration of the
ten minutes, — he was lying in his bed with his head raised
upon his hand, with his elbow upon the pillow, and a clean
white cambric handkerchief beside it: — The youth was just
stooping down to take up the cushion, upon which I sup-
posed he had been kneeling, — the book was laid upon the
bed, — and, as he rose, in taking up the cushion with one
hand, he reached out his other to take it away at the same
time. — Let it remain there, my dear, said the lieutenant.
He did not offer to speak to me, till I had walked up close
to his bed-side: — If you arc Captain Shandy's servant, said
he, you must present my thanks to your master, with my little
boy's thanks along with them, for his courtesy to me; — if he
was of Leven's — said the lieutenant. — I told him your
honour was — Then, said he, I served three campaigns with
him in Flanders, and remember him, — but 'tis most likely, as
I had not the honour of any acquaintance with him, that he
knows nothing of me. — You will tell him, however, that
the person his good-nature has laid under obligations to him,
is one Le Fever, a lieutenant in Angus's — but he knows me
not, — said he, a second time, musing; — possibly he may my
CHAP. 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 383
story — added he — pra) tell the captain, I was the ensign at
Breda, whose wife was most unfortunately killed with a
muskct-shot, as she lay in my arms in my tent. — I remem-
ber the story, an't please your honour, said I, very well. — Do
you sor said he, wiping his eyes with his handkerchief, —
then well may I. — In saying this, he drew a little ring out
of his bosom, which seemed tied with a black ribband about
his neck, and kissed it twice — Here, Billy, said he, — the bo\-
flew across the room to the bed-side, — and falling down
upon his knee, took the ring in his hand, and kissed it too, —
then kissed his father, and sat down upon the bed and wept.
I wish, said my uncle Toby, with a deep sigh, — I wish,
Trim, I was asleep.
Your honour, replied the corporal, is too much concerned;
— shall I pour your honour out a glass of sack to your piper
— Do, Trim, said my uncle Toby.
I remember, said my uncle Toby, sighing again, the story
of the ensign and his wife, with a circumstance his modesty
omitted; — and particularly well that he, as well as she, upon
some account or other (I forget what) was universally pitied
by the whole regiment; — but finish the stor)' thou art upon'
— 'Tis finished already, said the corporal, — for I could stay
no longer, — so wished his honour a good night; young Lc
Fever rose from off the bed, and saw me to the bottom of the
stairs; and as we went down together, told me, they had
come from Ireland, and were on their route to join the regi-
ment in Flanders. — But alas! said the corporal, — the lieu-
tenant's last day's march is over. — Then what is to become
of his poor boyr cried my uncle Toby.
Chaffer 8
The Story of Le Fever Continued
It was to my uncle Toby's eternal honour, — though I tell it
only for the sake of those, who, when cooped in betwixt a
^84 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
iiatiiral and a positive law, know not, for their souls, which
way in the world to turn themselves — That notwithstanding
my uncle Toby was warmly engaged at that time in carry-
ing on the siege of Dendermond, parallel with the allies,
who pressed theirs on so vigorously, that they scarce allowed
him time to get his dinner — that nevertheless he gave up
Dendermond, though he had already made a lodgment upon
the counterscarp; — and bent his whole thoughts towards the
private distresses at the inn; and except that he ordered the
garden gate to be bolted up, by which he might be said to
have turned the siege of Dendermond into a blockade, — he
left Dendermond to itself — to be relieved or not by the
French king, as the French king thought good: and only con-
sidered how he himself should relieve the poor lieutenant
and his son.
— That kind Being, who is a friend to the friendless,
shall recompense thee for this. ^\,
Thou hast left this matter short, said my uncle Toby to
the corporal, as he was putting him to bed, — and I will tell
thee in what. Trim. — In the first place, when thou madest
an offer of my services to Le Fever, — as sickness and travel-
ling are both expensive, and thou knowest he was but a poor
lieutenant, with a son to subsist as well as himself out of his
pay, — that thou didst not make an offer to him of my purse;
because, had he stood in need, thou knowest. Trim, he had
been as welcome to it as myself. — Your honour knows, said
the corporal, I had no orders; — True, quoth my uncle Toby,
— thou didst very right. Trim, as a soldier, — but certainly
very wrong as a man.
In the second place, for which, indeed, thou hast the same
excuse, continued my uncle Toby, — when thou offeredst him
whatever was in my house, — thou shouldst have offered him
my house too: — A sick brother officer should have the best
quarters, Trim, and if we had him with us, — we could tend
CHAP. 10 TRISTRAM SHANDY 385
and lo<.)k to him: — Thou art an excellent nurse thyself,
Trim, — and what with thy care of him, and the old
woman's, and his boy's, and mine together, wc might recruit
him again at once, and set him upon his legs. —
— In a fortnight or three weeks, added my uncle Toby,
smilin<r, — he mis^ht march. — He will never march; an'
please your honour, in this world, said the corporal: — He
will march; said my uncle Toby, rising up from the side of
the bed, with one shoe off: — An' please your honour, said the
corporal, he will never march but to his grave: — He shall
march, cried mv uncle Tobv, marching the foot which had a
shoe on, thouuh without advancinir an inch, — he shall march
to his regiment. — He cannot stand it, said the corporal; —
He shall be supported, said my uncle Toby; — He'll drop at
last, said the corporal, and what will become of his boy? —
He shall not drop, said my uncle Toby, firmly. — A-well-
o'day, — do what we can for him, said Trim, maintaining
his point, — the poor soul will die: — He shall not die, b)
G — , cried my uncle Toby.
— The Accusing Spirit, which flew up to heaven's chancery-
with the oath, blushed as he gave it in; — and the Recording
Angel, as he wrote it down, dropped a tear upon the word,
and blotted it out for ever.
Chapter p
— My uncle Toby went to his bureau, — put his purse into
his breeches pocket, and having ordered the corporal to go
early in the morning for a physician, — he went to bed, and
fell asleep.
Chafter i o
The Storv of Le Fever Continued
The sun looked bright the morning after, to every eye in
the village but Le Fever's and his afflicted son's; the hand
of death pressed heavy upon his eve-lids, — and hardly could
386 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
the wheel at the cistern turn round its circle, — when my
uncle Toby, who had rose up an hour before his wonted
time, entered the lieutenant's room, and without preface or
apology, sat himself down upon the chair by the bed-side,
and, independently of ail modes and customs, opened the
curtain in the manner an old friend and brother officer would
have done it, and asked him how he did, — how he had rested
in the night, — what was his complaint, — where was his
pain, — and what he could do to help him: — and without
giving him time to answer any one of the enquiries, went on,
and told him of the little plan which he had been concerting
with the corporal the night before for him. —
— You shall go home directly, Le Fever, said my uncle
Toby, to my house, — and we'll send for a doctor to see what's
the matter, — and we'll have an apothecary, — and the cor-
poral shall be your nurse; — and I'll be your servant, Le
Fever.
There was a frankness in my uncle Toby, — not the effect
of familiarity, — but the cause of it, — which let you at once
into his soul, and shewed you the goodness of his nature; to
this, there was something in his looks, and voice, and manner,
superadded, which eternally beckoned to the unfortunate to
come and take shelter under him; so that before my uncle
Toby had half finished the kind offers he was making to the
father, had the son insensibly pressed up close to his knees,
and had taken hold of the breast of his coat, and was pulling
it towards him. — The blood and spirits of Le Fever, which
were waxing cold and slow within him, and were retreating
to their last citadel, the heart — rallied back, — the film for-
sook his eyes for a moment, — he looked up wishfully in my
uncle Toby's face, — then cast a look upon his boy, — and that
ligament, fine as it was, — was never broken. —
Nature instantly ebbed again, — the film returned to its
place, — the pulse fluttered — stopped — went on — throbbed —
stopped again — moved — stopped — shall I go on? — No.
CHAP. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 387
Chapter 11
I AM so impatient to return to my own story, that what re-
mains of young Le Fever's, that is, from this turn of his for-
tune, to the time my uncle Toby recommended him for my
preceptor, shall be told in a very few words in the next chap-
ter. — All that is necessary to be added to this chapter is as
follows. —
That mv uncle Toby, with young Le Fever in his hand,
attended the poor lieutenant, as chief mourners, to his grave.
That the governor of Dendermond paid his obsequies all
military honours, — and that Yorick, not to be behind-hand —
paid him all ecclesiastic — for he buried him in his chancel:
— And it appears likewise, he preached a funeral sermon
over him — I say it appears, — for it was Yorick's custom,
which I suppose a general one with those of his profession,
on the first leaf of every sermon which he composed, to
chronicle down the time, the place, and the occasion of its
being preached: to this, he was ever wont to add some short
comment or stricture upon the sermon itself, seldom, in-
deed, much to its credit: — For instance. This sermon upon
the Jewish dispensation — I don't like it at all; — Though I
own there is a world of water-landish knowledge in it, —
hut 'tis all tritical, and most tritically put together. — This is
but a flimsy kind of a composition; what was in my head
when I made it?
— Isl .B. The excellency of this text is, that it will suit
any sermon, — and of this sermon, — that it will suit any
text. —
— For this sermon I shall be hanged, — for I have stolen
the greatest part of it. Doctor Paidagunes found me out.
E^ Set a thief to catch a thief. —
On the back of half a dozen I find written, 5o, sOy and no
more — and upon a couple Moderatu; by which, as far as one
mav gather from Altieri's Italian dictionary, — but mostly
388 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
from the authority of a piece of green whipcord, which
seemed to have been the unravelling of Yorick's whip-lash,
with which he has left us the two sermons marked Moderator
and the half dozen of Soy so, tied fast together in one bundle
by themselves, — one may safely suppose he meant pretty
near the same thing.
There is but one difficulty in the way of this conjecture,
which is this, that the ?noderato's are five times better than
the so, so's; — shew ten times more knowledge of the human
heart; †” have seventy times more wit and spirit in them; —
(and, to rise properly in my climax) — discovered a thou-
sand times more genius; — and to crown all, are infinitely
more entertaining th.iii those tied up with them: — for which
reason, whene'er Yorick's dramatic sermons are offered to
the world, though I shall admit but one out of the whole
number of the so, so's, I shall, nevertheless, adventure to
print the two tnoderafo's without any sort of scruple.
What Yorick could mean by the words leyitaniente, —
tenute, — grave, — and sometimes adagio, — as applied to theo-
logical compositions, and with which he has characterized
some of these sermons, I dare not venture to guess. — I am
more puzzled still upon finding a Voctava altal upon one; —
Con strefito upon the back of another; — Sici/iana upon a
third; — Alia cafclla upon a fourth; — Co7i Varco upon this;
— Sen:z.a Varco upon that. — All I know is, that they are
musical terms, and have a meaning; — and as he was a
musical man, I will make no doubt, but that by some quaint
application of such metaphors to the compositions in hand,
they impressed very distinct ideas of their several characters
upon his fancy, — whatever they may do upon that of others.
Amongst these, there is that particular sermon which has
unaccountably led me into this digression — The funeral ser-
mon upon poor Le Fever, wrote out very fairly, as if from
a hasty copy. — I take notice of it the more, because it seems
to have been his favourite composition — It is upon mortality;
CHAP. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 389
and is tied lengthways and cross-ways with a yarn thrum,
and then rolled up and twisted round with a half-sheet of
dirty blue paper, which seems to have been once the cast
cover of a general review, which to this day smells horribly
of horse drugs. — Whether these marks of humiliation were
designed, — I something doubt; — because at the end of the
sermon (and not at the beginning of it) — very different
trom his way of treating the rest, he had wrote —
Bravo!
— Though not very offensively, — for it is at two inches,
at least, and a half's distance from, and below the conclud-
ing line of the sermon, at the very extremity of the page,
and in that right hand corner of it, which, you know, is
generally covered with your thumb; and, to do it justice, it
is wrote besides with a crow's quill so faintly in a small
Italian hand, as scarce to solicit the eve towards the place,
whether your thumb is there or not, — so that from the man-
ner of it, it stands half excused; and being wrote morecner
with very pale ink, diluted almost to nothing, — 'tis more like
a ritratto of the shadow of vanity, than of Vanity herself —
of the two; resembling rather a faint thought of transient
applause, secretly stirring up in the heart of the composer;
than a gross mark of it, coarsely obtruded upon the world.
With all these extenuations, I am aware, that in publish-
ing this, I do no service to "V'orick's character as a modest
man; — but all men have their failings! and what lessens
this still farther, and almost wipes it away, is this; that the
word was struck through some time afterwards (as appears
from a different tint of the ink) with a line quite across it in
this manner, BRAVQ — as if he had retracted, or was
ashamed of the opinion he had once entertained of it.
These short characters of his sermons were always writ-
ten, excepting in this one instance, upon the first leaf of his
sermon, which served as a cover to it; and usually upon the
inside of it, which was turned towards the text; — but at the
390 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
end of his discourse, where, perhaps, he had five or six pages,
and sometimes, perhaps, a whole score to turn himself in, —
he took a large circuit, and, indeed, a much more mettle-
some one; — as if he had snatched the occasion of unlacing
himself with a few more frolicsome strokes at vice, than the
straitness of the pulpit allowed. — These, though hussar-like,
they skirmish lightly and out of all order, are still auxiliaries
on the side of virtue; — tell me then, Mynheer Vander
Blonederdondergewdenstronke, why they should not be
printed together?
Chapter 12
When m.y uncle Toby had turned every thing into money,
and settled all accounts betwixt the agent of the regiment
and Le Fever, and betwixt Le Fever and all mankind, —
there remained nothing more in my uncle Toby's hands,
than an old regimental coat and a sword; so that my uncle
Toby found little or no opposition from, the world in taking
administration. The coat my uncle Toby gave the corporal ;
— Wear it. Trim, said my uncle Toby, as long as it will
hold together, for the sake of the poor lieutenant — And
this, — said my uncle Toby, taking up the sword in his hand,
and drawing it out of the scabbard as he spoke — and this,
Le Fever, I'll save for thee, — 'tis all the fortune, continued
my uncle Toby, hanging it up upon a crook, and pointing to
it, — 'tis all the fortune, my dear Le Fever, which God has
left thee; but if He has given thee a heart to fight thy way
with it in the world, — and thou doest it like a man of
honour, — 'tis enough for us.
As soon as my uncle Toby had laid a foundation, and
taught him to inscribe a regular polygon in a circle, he sent
him to a public school, where, excepting Whitsuntide and
Christmas, at which times the corporal was punctually dis-
patched for him, — he remained to the spring of the year,
seventeen ; when the stories of the emperor's sending his
CHAP. 13 TRISTRAM SHANDY 391
army into Hungary against the Turks, kindling a spark of
fire in his bosom, he left his Greek and Latin without leave,
and throwing himself upon his knees before my uncle Toby,
begged his father's sword, and my uncle Toby's leave along
with it, to go and try his fortune under Eugene. — Twice
did my uncle Toby forget his wound and cry out, Le Fever!
I will go with thee, and thou shalt fight beside me — And
twice he laid his hand upon his groin, and hung down his
head in sorrow and disconsolation. —
My uncle Toby took down the sword from the crook,
where it had hung untouched ever since the lieutenant's
death, and delivered it to the corporal to brighten up; —
and having detained Le Fever a single fortnight to equip
him and contract for his passage to Leghorn, — he put the
sword into his hand. — If thou art brave, Le Fever, said
my uncle Toby, this will not fail thee, — but Fortune, said
he (musing a little), — Fortune may — And if she does, —
added my uncle Toby, embracing him, come back again to
me, Le Fever, and we will shape thee another course.
The greatest injurv could not have oppressed the heart of
Le Fever more than my uncle Toby's paternal kindness; —
he parted from my uncle Toby, as the best of sons from the
best of fathers — both dropped tears — and as my uncle Toby
gave him his last kiss, he slipped sixty guineas, tied up in an
old purse of his father's, in which was his mother's ring, into
his hand, — and bid God bless him.
Chapter /j
Le Fever got up to the Imperial army just time enough to
try what metal his sword was made of, at the defeat of the
Turks before Belgrade; but a-series of unmerited mischances
had pursued him from that moment, and trod close upon his
heels for four years together after; he had withstood these
bufFctings to the last, till sickness overtook him at Marseilles,
from whence he wrote my uncle Toby word, he had lost his
392 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
time, his services, his health, and, in short, every thing but
his sword; — and was waiting for the first ship to return back
to him.
As this letter came to hand about six weeks before Susan-
nah's accident, Le Fever was hourly expected; and was
uppermost in my uncle Toby's mind all the time my father
was giving him and Yorick a description of what kind of a
person he would choose for a preceptor to me: but as my
uncle Toby thought my father at first somewhat fanciful in
the accomplishments he required, he forbore mentioning
Le Fever's name, — till the character, by Yorick's interpo-
sition, ending unexpectedly, in one, who should be gentle-
tempered, and generous, and good, it impressed the image
of Le Fever, and his interest, upon my uncle Toby so
forcibly, he rose instantly off his chair; and laying down
his pipe, in order to take hold of both my father's hands — I
beg, brother Shandy, said my uncle Toby, I may recom-
mend poor Le Fever's son to you — I beseech you do, added
^'orick — He has a good heart, said my uncle Toby — And a
brave one too, an' please your honour, said the corporal.
— The best hearts. Trim, are ever the bravest, replied my
uncle Toby. — And the greatest cowards, an' please your
honour, in our regiment, were the greatest rascals in it. —
'Jlierc was Serjeant Kumber, and ensign —
— We'll talk of them, said my father, another time.
Chapter i^
What a jovial and a merry world would this be, may it
please your worships, but for that inextricable labyrinth of
debts, cares, woes, want, grief, discontent, melancholy, large
jointures, impositions, and lies!
Doctor Slop, like a son of a w — , as my father called
him for it, — to exalt himself, — debased me to death, — and
made ten thousand times more of Susannah's accident, than
there was any grounds for; so that in a week's time, or less.
CHAP. i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 393
it was in every body's mouth, That poor Master Shandy
**********
******** entirely. —
And Fanie, who loves to double every thing, — in three days
more, had sworn, positively she saw it, — and all the world, as
usual, gave credit to her evidence — "That the nurserj' win-
dow had not only *******
**********
* * * * ;— but that ♦ * * *
**********
* * * * 's also."
Could the world have been sued like a body-corporate, —
my father had brought an action upon the case, and trounced
it sufficiently; but to fall foul of individuals about it — as
every soul who had mentioned the affair, did it with the
greatest pitv imaginable; — 'twas like flying in the very face
of his best friends: — And yet to acquiesce under the report,
in silence — was to acknowledge it openly, — at least in the
opinion of one half of the world; and to make a bustle
again, in contradicting it, — was to confirm it as strongly
in the opinion of the other half. —
— Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so ham-
pered? said my father.
I would shew him publicly, said my uncle Toby, at the
market cross.
— 'Twill have no effect, said mv father.
Chapter 75
— I'll put him, however, into breeches, said my father, —
let the world say what it will.
Chapter 16
There are a thousand resolutions. Sir, both in church and
state, as well as in matters. Madam, of a more private con-
cern; — which, though thev have carried all the appearance
394 TRISTRAM SHANDY book v.
in the world of being taken, and entered upon in a hasty,
hare-brained, and unadvised manner, were, notwithstanding
this (and could you or I have got into the cabinet, or stood
behind the curtain, we should have found it was so),
weighed, poised, and perpended — argued upon — canvassed
through — entered into, and examined on all sides with so
much coolness, that the goddess of coolness herself (I do
not take upon me to prove her existence) could neither have
wished it, or done it better.
Of the number of these was my father's resolution of
putting me into breeches; which, though determined at once,
— in a kind of huff, and a defiance of all mankind, had,
nevertheless, been proed and conned, and judicially talked
over betwixt him and my mother about a month before, in
two several beds of justice, which my father had held for
that purpose. I shall explain the nature of these beds of
justice in my next chapter; and in the chapter following that,
you shall step with me. Madam, behind the curtain, only to
hear in what kind of manner my father and my mother
debated between themselves, this affair of the breeches, —
from which you may form an idea, how they debated all
lesser matters.
Chaftcr 1 7
The ancient Goths of Germany, who (the learned Clu-
verius is positive) were first seated in the country between
the Vistula and the Oder, and who afterwards incorporated
the Herculi, the Bugians, and some other Vandallic clans to
'em — had all of them a wise custom of debating every thing
of importance to their state, twice; that is, — once drunk,
and once sober: — Drunk — that their councils might not
want vigour; — and sober — that they might not want
discretion.
Now my father being entirely a water-drinker, — was a
'ong time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 395
much to his advantage, as he did every other thing which
the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year
of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments and
devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the
purpose; — and that was, when any difficult and momentous
point was to be settled in the family, which required great
sobriet)', and great spirit too, in its determination, — he fixed
and set apart the first Sunday night in the month, and the
Saturdav night which immediately preceded it, to argue it
over, in bed, with my mother: By which contrivance, if you
consider, Sir, with yourself, *****
*«#4C3tC*****
:»4(4e:^4c4:****
:»:^4e4c4c*****
*4>*4i4(**3tc
These my father, humorously enough, called his beds of
justice; — for from the two different counsels taken in these
two different humours, a middle one was generally found
out which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had
got drunk and sober a hundred times.
It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this
answers full as well in literary discussions, as either in mili-
tary or conjugal; but it is not every author that can try the
experiment as the Goths and Vandals did it — or, if he can,
mav it be always for his body's health; and to do it, as my
father did it, — am I sure it would be always for his soul's.
My way is this: —
In all nice and ticklish discussions — (of which, heaven
knows, there are but too many in my book), — where I find
I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their
worships or their reverences upon mv back — I write one-half
full, — and t'other fasting; or write it all full, — and correct
it fasting; — or write it fasting, — and correct it full, for they
all come to the same thing: — So that with a less variation
from my father's plan, than my father's from the Gothic — I
396 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice, —
and no way inferior to him in his second. — These different
and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the
wise and wonderful mechanism of nature, — of which, — be
hers the honour. — All that we can do, is to turn and work
the machine to the improvement and better manufactory of
the arts and sciences. —
Now, when I write full, — I write as if I was never to
write fasting again as long as I live; — that is, I write free
from the cares as well as the terrors of the world. — I count
not the number of my scars, — nor does my fancy go forth
into dark entries and bye-corners to antedate my stabs. — In a
word, my pen takes its course; and I write on as much from
the fulness of my heart, as my stomach. —
But when, an' please your honours, I indite fasting, 'tis a
(hfferent history. — I pay the world all possible attention and
respect, — and have as great a share (while it lasts) of that
under-strapping virtue of discretion as the best of you. — So
that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, non-
sensical, good-humoured Shandean book, which will do all
your hearts good —
— And all your heads too, — provided you understand it.
Chapter i8
We should begin, said my father, turning himself half
round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little towards my
mother's, as he opened the debate— -We should begin to
think, Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches. —
We should so, — said my mother. — We defer it, my dear,
quotli my father, shamefully. —
I think we do, Mr. Shandy, — said my mother.
— Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father,
in his vests and tunics. —
— He does look very well in them, — replied my
mother. —
CHAP. i8 1 RISTRAM SHANDY 397
— And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my
father, to take him out of 'em. —
— It would so, — said my mother: — But indeed he is
growing a very tall lad, — rejoined my father.
— He is very tall for his age, indeed, said my mother. —
— I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth
my father, who the deuce he takes after. —
I cannot conceive, for my life, — said my mother. —
Humph! — said my father.
(The dialogue ceased for a moment.)
— I am very short myself, — continued my father gravely.
"^'ou arc very short, Mr. Shandy, — said my mother.
Humph! quoth mv father to himself, a second time: in
muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from
my mother's, — and turning about again, there was an end of
the debate for three minutes and a half.
— When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in
:i higher tone, he'll look like a beast in 'em.
He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my
mother. —
— And 'twill be luck) , if that's the worst on't, added my
father.
It will be very lucky, answered my mother.
I suppose, replied my father, — making some pause first, —
he'll be exactly like other people's children. —
Exactly, said my mother. —
— Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and
so the debate stopped again.
— They should be of leather, said my father, turning him
about again.
They will last him, said my mother, the longest.
But he can have no linings to 'em, replied my father. —
He cannot, said my mother.
'Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father.
Nothing can be better, quoth my mother. —
398 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
— Except dimity, — replied my father: — 'Tis best of all,
— replied my mother.
— One must not give him his death, however, — inter-
rupted my father.
By no means, said my mother: — and so the dialogue stood
still again.
I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence
the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them. —
— There is no occasion for any, said my mother. —
I mean in his coat and waistcoat, — cried my father.
— I mean so too, — replied my mother.
— Though if he gets a gig or top — Poor souls! it is a
crown and a sceptre to them, — they should have where to
secure it. —
Order it as you please, Mr. Shandy, replied my
mother. —
— But don't you think it right? added my father, pressing
the point home to her.
Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr.
Shandy. —
— There's for you! cried my father, losing temper —
Pleases me! — You never will distinguish, Mrs. Shandy, nor
shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and
a point of convenience. — ^This was on the Sunday night: —
and further this chapter sayeth not.
Chapter ig
After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with
my mother, — he consulted Albertus Rubenius upon it; and
Albertus Rubenius used my father ten times worse in the
consultation (if possible) than even my father had used my
mother: For as Rubenius had wrote a quarto express, De re
Vestiarla Veten<ni,—k was Rubcnius's business to have given
my father some lights. — On the contrary, my father might
as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 399
out of a long beard, — as of extracting a single word out of
Rubenius upon the subject.
Upon every other article of ancient dress, Rubenius was
very communicative to my father; — gave him a full and
satisfactory account of
The Toga, or loose gown.
The Chlamys.
The Ephod.
The Tunica, or Jacket.
The Synthesis.
The Paenula.
The Lacema, with its Cucullus.
The Paludamentum.
The Praetexta.
The Sagum, or soldier's jerkin.
The Trabea: of which, according to Suetonius, there
were three kinds. —
— But what are all these to the breeches r said my father.
Rubenius threw him down upon the counter all kinds of
shoes which had been in fashion with the Romans. —
There was,
The
open shoe.
The
close shoe.
The
slip shoe.
The
wooden shoe.
The
soc.
The
buskin.
And
The
military shoe with hobnails in it, which
Juvenal takes notice of.
There were.
The
clogs.
The
pattins.
The
pantoufles.
The
brogues.
The
sandals, with latches to them.
400 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vf
There was, The felt shoe.
The linen shoe.
The laced shoe.
The braided shoe.
The calceu3 incisus.
And The calceus rostratus.
Rubcnius shewed my father how well they all fitted, — in
what manner they laced on, — with what points, straps,
thongs, latchets, ribbands, jaggs, and ends. —
— But I want to be informed about the breeches, said my
father.
Albertus Rubenius informed my father that the Romans
manufactured stuffs of various fabrics, — some plain, some
striped, — others diapered throughout the whole contexture
of the wool, with silk and gold — That linen did not begin
to be in common use till towards the declension of the
empire, when the Egyptians, coming to settle amongst them,
brought it into vogue.
— That persons of quality and fortune distinguished
themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes;
which colour (next to purple, which was appropriated to the
great offices) they most affected, and wore on their birth-
days and public rejoicings. — That it appeared from the best
historians of those times, that they frequently sent their
clothes to the fuller, to be cleaned and whitened: — but that
the inferior people, to avoid that expense, generally wore
brown clothes, and of a something coarser texture, — till
towards the beginning of Augustus's reign, when the slave
dressed like his master, and almost every distinction of
habiliment was lost, but the Latus Clavus.
And what was the Latus Clavus? said my father.
Rubenius told him, that the point was still litigating
amongst the learned: — That Egnatius, Sigonius, Bossius
Ticinensis, Bayfius, Budaeus, Salmasius, Lipsius, Lazius,
Isaac Casaubon, and Joseph Scaliger, all differed from each
CHAP. 21 TRISTRAM SHANDY 401
other, — and he from them: That some took it to be the
button, — some the coat itself, — others only the colour of
it: — That the great Bayfius, in his Wardrobe of the Anc'tetitSy
chap. 12 — honestly said, he knew not what it was, — whether
a tibula, — a stud, — a button, — a loop, — a buckle, — or clasps
anil keepers. —
— My father lost the horse, but not the saddle — They arc
hooks and eyes, said my father — and with hooks and eyes
he ordered my breeches to be made.
Chapter 20
We are now going to enter upon a new scene of events. —
— Leave we then the breeches in the tailor's hands, with
my father standing over him with his cane, reading him as
he sat at work a lecture upon the latus clavtis, and pointing
to the precise part of the waistband, where he was deter-
mined to have it sewed on. —
Leave we my mother — (truest of all the Pococurantes of
her sex! ) — careless about it, as about every thing else in the
world which concerned her; — that is, indifferent whether
it was done this way or that, — provided it was but done at
all.—
Leave we Slop likewise to the full profits of all my dis-
honours. —
Leave we poor Lc Fever to recover, and get home from
Marseilles as he can. — And last of all, — because the hardest
of all-
Let us leave, if possible, myself: — But 'tis impossible, — I
must go along with you to the end of the work.
Chapter 21
If the reader has not a clear conception of the rood and the
half of ground which lay at the bottom of my uncle Toby's
kitchen-garden, and which was the scene of so many of his
delicious hours, — the fault is not in me, — but in his imagi-
402 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
nation; — for T am sure I gave him so minute a description,
I was almost ashamed of it.
When Fate was looking forwards one afternoon, into the
great transactions of future times, — and recollected for what
purposes this little plot, by a decree fast bound down in iron,
had been destined, — she gave a nod to Nature, — 'twas
enough — Nature threw half a spade full of her kindliest
compost upon it, with just so much clay in it, as to retain the
forms of angles and indentings, — and so little of it too, as
not to cling to the spade, and render works of so much glory,
nasty in foul weather.
My uncle Toby came down, as the reader has been in-
formed, with plans along with him, of almost every fortified
town in Italy and Flanders; so let the duke of Marlborough,
or the allies, have set down before what town they pleased,
my uncle Toby was prepared for them.
His way, which was the simplest one in the world, was
this; as soon as ever a town was invested — (but sooner when
the design was known) to take the plan of it (let it be what
town it would), and enlarge it upon a scale to the exact size
of his bowling-green; upon the surface of which, by means
of a large roll of packthread, and a number of small piquets
driven into the ground, at the several angles and redans, he
transferred the lines from his paper; then taking the profile
of the place, with its works, to determine the depths and
slopes of the ditches, — the talus of the glacis, and the precise
height of the several banquets, parapets, etc. — he set the
corporal to work — and sweetly went it on: — The nature of
the soil, — the nature of the work itself, — and above all, the
good-nature of my uncle Toby sitting by from morning to
night, and chatting kindly with the corporal upon past-done
deeds, — left labour little else but the ceremony of the name.
When the place was finished in this manner, and put into
a proper posturts of defence, — it was invested, — and my
CHAP. 22 TRISTRAM SHANDY 403
uncle Toby and the corporal began to run their first parallel.
— I beg I may not be interrupted in my story, by being told,
That the first parallel should be at least three hundred toises
distant from the main body of the place, — and that I have
not left a single inch for it; — for my uncle Toby took the
liberty of encroaching upon his kitchen-garden, for the sake
of enlarging his works on the bowling-green, and for that
reason generally ran his first and second parallels betwixt
two rows of his cabbages and his cauliflowers; the conveni-
ences and the inconveniences of which will be considered at
large in the history of my uncle Toby's and the corporal's
campaigns, of which, this I'm now writing is but a sketch,
and will be finished, if I conjecture right, in three pages (but
there is no guessing) — The campaigns themselves will take
up as many books; and therefore I apprehend it would be
hanging too great a weight of one kind of matter in so
flimsy a performance as this, to rhapsodize them, as I once
intended, into the body of the work — surely they had better
be printed apart, — we'll consider the aflpair — so take the fol-
lowing sketch of them in the mean time.
Chapter 22
When the town, with its works, was finished, my uncle
Toby and the corporal began to run their first parallel — not
at random, or any how — but from the same points and dis-
tances the allies had begun to run theirs; and regulating
their approaches and attacks, by the accounts my uncle Toby
received from the daily papers, — they went on, during the
whole siege, step by step with the allies.
When the duke of Marlborough made a lodgment, — my
uncle Toby made a lodgment too, — And when the face of a
bastion was battered down, or a defence ruined, — the cor-
poral took his mattock and did as much, — and so on; —
gaining ground, and making themselves masters of the
404 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
works one after another, till the town fell into their hands.
To one who took pleasure in the happy state of others, —
there could not have been a greater sight in the world, than,
on a post-morning, in which a practicable breach had been
made by the duke of Marlborough, in the main body of the
place,- — to have stood behind the horn-beam hedge, and ob-
served the spirit with which my uncle Toby, with Trim, be-
hind him, sallied forth; — the one with the Ga-zette in his
hand, — the other with a spade on his shoulder to execute the
contents. — What an honest triumph in my uncle Toby's looks
as he marched up to the ramparts! What intense pleasure
swimming in his eye as he stood over the corporal, reading
the paragraph ten times over to him, as he was at work, lest,
peradventure, he should make the breach an inch too wide, —
or leave it an inch too narrow. — But when the chamade was
beat, and the corporal helped my uncle up it, and followed
with the colours in his hand, to fix them upon the ramparts —
Heaven! Earth! Sea! — but what avails apostrophes? —
with all your elements, wet or dry, ye never compounded so
intoxicatins: a drauirht.
In this track of happiness for many years, without one
interruption to it, except now and then when the wind con-
tinued to blow due west for a week or ten days together,
which detained the Flanders mail, and kept them so long in
torture, — but still 'twas the torture of the happy — In this
track, I say, did my uncle Toby and Trim move for many
years, every year of which, and sometimes every month, from
the invention of either the one or the other of them, adding
some new conceit or quirk of improvement to their opera-
tions, which always opened fresh springs of delight in carry-
ing them on.
The first year's campaign was carried on from beginning
to end, in the plain and simple method I've related.
In the second year, in which my uncle Toby took Liege
and Rurcmond, he thought he might aflFord the expense of
CHAP. 23 TRISTRAM SHANDY 405
four handsome draw-bridges, of two of which I have given
an exact description in the former part of my work.
At the latter end of the same year he added a couple of
gates with portcullises: — These last were converted after-
wards into orgues, as the better thing; and during the winter
of the same year, my uncle Toby, instead of a new suit of
clothes, which he always had at Christmas, treated himself
with a handsome sentry-box, to stand at the corner of the
bowling-green, betwixt which point and the foot of the
glacis, there was left a little kind of an esplanade for him
and the corporal to confer and hold councils of war upon.
— The sentry-box was in case of rain.
All these were painted white three times over the ensuing
spring, which enabled my uncle Toby to take the field with
great splendour.
My father would often say to Yorick, that if any mortal
in the whole universe had done such a thing, except his
brother Tob)-, it would have been looked upon by the world
as one of the most refined satires upon the parade and pranc-
ing manner in which Lewis XIV. from the beginning of the
war, but particularly that very year, had taken the field — But
'tis not my brother Toby's nature, kind soul ! my father
W(^uld add, to insult any one.
— But let us go on.
Chaffer 25
I MirsT observe, that although in the first year's campaign,
the word town is often mentioned, — yet there was no town
at that time within the polygon ; that addition was not made
till the summer following the spring in which the bridges
and sentry-box were painted, which was the third year of my
uncle Toby's campaigns, — when upon his taking Amberg,
Bonn, and Rhinberg, and Huy and Limbourg, one after an-
other, a thought came into the corporal' head, that to talk
4o6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
of taking so many towns, without one town to show for it, —
was a very nonsensical way of going to work, and so pro-
posed to my uncle Toby, that they should have a little model
of a town built for them, — to be run up together of slit
deals, and then painted, and clapped within the interior
polygon to serve for all.
My uncle Toby felt the good of the project instantly, and
instantly agreed to it, but with the addition of two singular
improvements, of which he was almost as proud as if he had
oeen the original inventor of the project itself.
The one was, to have the town built exactly in the style
of those of which it was most likely to be the representative:
— with grated windows, and the gable ends of the houses,
facing the streets, etc. etc. — as those in Ghent and Bruges,
and the rest of the towns in Brabant and Flanders.
The other was, not to have the houses run up together, as
the corporal proposed, but to have every house independent,
to hook on, or off, so as to form into the plan of whatever
town they pleased. This was put directly into hand, and
many and many a look of mutual congratulation was ex-
changed between my uncle Toby and the corporal, as the
carpenter did the work.
— It answered prodigiously the next summer — the town
was a perfect Proteus — It was Landen, and Trerebach, and
Santvliet, and Drusen, and Hagenau, — and then it was
Ostend and Menin, and Aeth and Dendermond.
— Surely never did any town act so many parts, since
Sodom and Gomorrah, as my uncle Toby's town did.
In the fourth year, my uncle Toby thinking a town looked
foolishly without a church, added a very fine one with a
steeple. — Trim was for having bells in it; — my uncle Toby
said, the metal had better be cast into cannon.
This led the way the next campaign for half a dozen brass
field-pieces, to be planted three and three on each side of my
CHAP. 24 TRISTRAM SHANDY 407
uncle Toby's sentry-box; and in a short time, these led the
way for a train of somewhat larger — and so on — (as must
always be the case in hobby-horsical affairs) from pieces of
half an inch bore, till it came at last to my father's jack
boots.
The next year, which was that in which Lisle was be-
sieged, and at the close of which both Ghent and Bruges fell
into our hands, — my uncle Toby was sadly put to it for
proper ammunition; — I say proper ammunition — because
his great artillery would not bear powder; and 'twas well
for the Shandy family they would not — For so full were
the papers, from the beginning to the end of the siege, of
the incessant firings kept up by the besiegers, — and so heated
was my uncle Toby's imagination with the accounts of them,
that he had infallibly shot away all his estate.
Something therefore was wanting as a succedaneum,
especially in one or two of the more violent paroxysms of
the siege, to keep up something like a continual firing in the
imagination, — and this something, the corporal, whose prin-
cipal strength lay in invention, supplied by an entire new
system of battering of his own, — without which, this had
been objected to by military critics, to the end of the world,
as one of the great desiderata of my uncle Toby's apparatus.
This will not be explained the worse, for setting off, as
I generally do, at a little distance from the subject.
Chapter 2^
With two or three other trinkets, small in themselves, but
of great regard, which poor Tom, the corporal's unfortunate
brother, had sent him over, with the account of his marriage
with the Jew's widow — there was
A Montero-cap and two Turkish tobacco-pipes.
The Montero-cap I shall describe by and by. — The
Turkish tobacco-pipes had nothing particular in them, they
were fitted up and ornamented as usual, with flexible tubes
4o8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
of Morocco leather and gold wire, and mounted at their
ends, the one of them with ivory, — the other with black
ebony, tipped with silver.
My father, who saw all things in lights different from
the rest of the world, would say to the corporal, that he
ought to look upon these two presents more as tokens of his
brother's nicety, than his affection. — Tom did not care.
Trim, he would say, to put on the cap, or to smoke in the
tobacco-pipe of a Jew. — God bless your honour, the corporal
would say, (giving a strong reason to the contrary) — how
can that be?
The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine Spanish cloth,
dyed in grain, and mounted all round with fur, except about
four inches in the front, which was faced with a light blue,
slightly embroidered, — and seemed to have been the property
of a Portuguese quartermaster, not of foot, but of horse, as
the word denotes.
The corporal was not a little proud of it, as well for its
own sake, as the sake of the giver, so seldom or never put it
on hut upon Gala-days; and yet never was a Montero-cap
put to so many uses; for in all controverted points, whether
military or culinary, provided the corporal was sure he was
in the right, — it was either his oath, — his wager, — or his
gift. ^
— 'Twas his gift in the present case.
I'll be bound, said the corporal, speaking to himself, to
give away my Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to
the door, if I do not manage this matter to his honour's
satisfaction.
The completion was no further off, than the very next
morning; which was that of the storm of the counterscarp
betwixt the Lower Deule, to the right, and the gate St.
Andrew, — and on the left, between St. Magdalen's and the
river.
CHAP. 25 TRISTRAM SHANDY 409
As this was the most memorable attack in the whole war,
— the most gallant and obstinate on both sides, — and I must
add the most bloody too, for it cost the allies themselves that
morning above eleven hundred men, — my uncle Toby pre-
pared himself for it with a more than ordinary solemnity.
The eve which preceded, as my uncle Toby went to bed,
he ordered his ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for
many years in the corner of an old campaigning trunk, which
stood by his bedside, to be taken out and laid upon the lid of
it, ready for the morning; — and the very first thing he did
in his shirt, when he had stepped out of bed, my uncle Toby,
after he had turned the rough side outwards, — put it on: —
This done, he proceeded next to his breeches, and having but-
toned the waistband, he forthwith buckled on his sword-belt,
and had got his sword half way in, — when he considered he
should want shaving, and that it would be very inconvenient
doing it with his sword on, — so took it off: — In assaying to
put on his regimental coat and waistcoat, mv uncle Tobv
found the same objection in his wig, — so that went off too:
— So that what with one thing and what with another, as
always falls out when a man is in the most haste, — 'twas
ten o'clock, which was half an hour later than his usual
time, before my uncle Toby sallied out.
Chapter 2^
Mv uncle Toby had scarce turned the corner of his yew
hedge, which separated his kitchen-garden from his bowling-
green, when he perceived the corporal had begun the attack
without him. —
Let me stop and give you a picture of the corporal's ap-
paratus; and of the corporal himself in the height of his
attack, just as it struck my uncle Toby, as he turned towards
the sentry-box, where the corporal was at work, — for in
nature there is not such another, — nor can any combination
410 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
of all that is grotesque and whimsical in her works produce
its equal.
The corporal —
— Tread lightly on his ashes, ye men of genius, — for he
was your kinsman:
Weed his grave clean, ye men of goodness, for he was
your brother. — O corporal ! had I thee, but now, — now, that
I am able to give thee a dinner and protection, — how would
I cherish thee! thou should'st wear thy Montero-cap every
hour of the day, and every day of the week, — and when it
was worn out, I would purchase thee a couple like it: — But
alas! alas! alas! now that I can do this in spite of their rever-
ences — the. occasion is lost — for thou art gone; — thy genius
fled up to the stars from whence it came; — and that warm
heart of thine, with all its generous and open vessels, com-
pressed into a clod of the valley!
— But what — what is this, to that future and dreaded
page, where I look towards the velvet pall, decorated with
the military ensigns of thy master — the first — the foremost
of created beings; — where, T shall see thee, faithful servant!
laving his sword and scabbard with a trembling hand across
his coffin, and then returning pale as ashes to the door, to take
his mourning horse by the bridle, to follow his hearse, as he
directed thee; — where — all my father's systems shall be
baffled by his sorrows; and, in spite of his philosophy, I shall
behold him, as he inspects the lacquered plate, twice taking
his spectacles from off his nose, to wipe away the dew which
nature has shed upon them — When I see him cast in the rose-
mary with an air of disconsolation, which cries through my
ears, — O Toby! in what corner of the world shall I seek
thy fellow?
— Gracious powers! which erst have opened the lips of
the dumb in his distress, and made the tongue of the stam-
merer speak plain — when I shall arrive at this dreaded page,
deal not with me, then, with a stinted hand.
CHAP. 26 TRISTRAM SHANDY 411
Chaptrr 26
The corporal, who the night before had resolved in his
mind to supply the grand desideratum, of keeping up some-
thing like an incessant firing upon the enemy during the heat
of the attack, — had no further idea in his fancy at that
time, than a contrivance of smoking tobacco against the
town, out of one of my uncle Toby's six field-pieces, which
were planted on each side of his sentry-box; the means of
effecting which occurring to his fancy at the same time,
though he had pledged his cap, he thought it in no danger
from the miscarriage of his projects.
Upon turning it this way, and that, a little in his mind,
he soon began to find out, that by means of his two Turkish
tobacco-pipes, with the supplement of three smaller tubes of
wash-leather at each of their lower ends, to be tagged by
the same number of tin-pipes fitted to the touch-holes, and
sealed with clay next the cannon, and then tied hermetically
with waxed silk at their several insertions into the Morocco
tube, — he should be able to fire the six field-pieces all to-
gether, and with the same ease as to fire one. —
— Let no man say from what tags and jags hints may not
be cut out for the advancement of human knowledge. Let
no man, who has read my father's first and second beds of
justice, ever rise up and say again, from collision of what
kinds of bodies light may or may not be struck out, to carr)-
the arts and sciences up to perfection. — Heaven! thou know-
est how I love them; — thou knowest the secrets of my heart,
and that I would this mom.ent give my shirt — Thou art a
fool, Shandy, says Eugenius, for thou hast but a dozen in
the world — and 'twill break thy set. —
No matter for that, Eugenius; I would give the shirt off
my back to be burned into tinder, were it only to satisfy one
feverish enquirer, how many sparks at one good stroke, a
good flint and steel could strike into the tail of it. — Think
412 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
ye not that in striking these in, — he might, peradventure,
strike something out? as sure as a gun. —
— But this project, by the bye.
The corporal sat up the best part of the night, in bringing
his to perfection; and having made a sufficient proof of his
cannon, with charging them to the top with tobacco, — he
went with contentment to bed.
Chapter 2 7
The corporal had slipped out about ten minutes before my
uncle Toby, in order to fix his apparatus, and just give the
enemy a shot or two before my uncle Toby came.
He had drawn the six field-pieces for this end, all close
up together in front of my uncle Toby's sentry-box, leaving
only an interval of about a yard and a half betwixt the
three, on the right and left, for the convenience of charg-
ing, etc. — and the sake possibly of two batteries, which he
might think double the honour of one.
In the rear and facing this opening, with his back to the
door of the sentry-box, for fear of being flanked, had the
corporal wisely taken his post: — He held the ivory pipe, ap-
pertaining to the battery on the right, betwixt the finger and
thumb of his right hand, — and the ebony pipe tipped with
silver, which appertained to the battery on the left, betwixt
the finger and thumb of the other — and with his right knee
fixed firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank of his
platoon, was the corporal, with his Montero-cap upon his
head, furiously playing off his two cross batteries at the same
time against the counter-guard, which faced the counterscarp,
where the attack was to be made that morning. His first
intention, as I said, was no more than giving the enemy a
single puflF or two; — but the pleasure of the puffs, as well as
the puffing, had insensibly got hold of the corporal, and
drawn him on from puff to puff, into the very height of the
attack, by the time my uncle Toby joined him.
CHAP. 29 TRISTRAM SHANDY 413
'Twas well for my father, that my uncle Toby had nor
his will to make that day.
Chapter 28
\h uncle Toby took the ivory pipe out of the corporal's
hand, looked at it for half a minute, and returned it.
In less than two minutes, my uncle Toby took the pipe
from the corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth
— then hastily gave it back a second time.
The corporal redoubled the attack, — my uncle Toby
"^miled, — then looked grave, — then smiled for a moment, —
then looked serious for a long time; — Give me hold of the
ivory pipe, Trim, said my uncle Toby — my uncle Toby put
it to his lips, — drew it back directly, — gave a peep over the
horn-beam hedge; — never did my uncle Toby's mouth water
so much for a pipe in his life. — My uncle Toby retired into
the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand. —
— Dear uncle Toby! don't go into the sentr\-box with
the pipe, — there's no trusting a man's self with such a thing
in such a corner.
Chaffer 2g
I BEG the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle
Toby's ordnance behind the scenes, — to remove his sentry-
box, and clear the theatre, if possible, of horn-works and
half moons, and get the rest of his military apparatus out
of the way; — that done, my dear friend Garrick, we'll snuff
the candles bright, — sweep the stage with a new broom, —
draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in
a new character, throughout which the world can have no
idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be a-kin to love, — and
bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of mv uncle
Toby in these, to trace these family likenesses, betwixt the
two passions (in case there is one) to your heart's content.
414 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
Vain science! thou assistest us in no case of this kind —
and thou puzzlest us in every one.
There was, Madam, in my uncle Toby, a singleness of
heart which misled him so far out of the little serpentine
tracks in which things of this nature usually go on; you can
— you can have no conception of it: with this, there was a
plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such an unmis-
trusting ignorance of the plies and foldings of the heart of
woman; — and so naked and defenceless did he stand before
you, (when a siege was out of his head,) that you might have
stood behind any one of your serpentine walks, and shot my
uncle Toby ten times in a day, through his liver, if nine
times a day. Madam, had not served your purpose.
With all this, Madam, — and what confounded every
thing as much on the other hand, my uncle Toby had that
unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of, and
which, by the bye, stood eternal sentry upon his feelings, that
you might as soon — But where am I going? these reflections
crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up
that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts.
Chapter 50
Of the few legitimate sons of Adam whose breasts never
felt what the sting of love was, — (maintaining first, all
mysogynists to be bastards) — the greatest heroes of ancient
and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts
in ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the
key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five minutes,
to tell you their names — recollect them I cannot — so be
content to accept of these, for the present, in their stead. —
There was the great king Aldrovandus, and Bosphorus,
and Cappadocius, and Dardanus, and Pontus, and Asius, — to
say nothing of the iron-hearted Charles the Xllth, whom the
Countess of K***** herself could make nothing of. — There
was Babylonicus, and Mediterraneus, and Polixenes, and
CHAP. 31 TRISTRAM SHANDY 415
Persicus, and Prusicus, not one of whom (except Cappa-
docius and Pontus, who were both a little suspected) ever
once bowed down his breast to the goddess — The truth is,
they had all of them something else to do — and so had my
uncle Toby — till Fate — till Fate I say, envying his name the
glory of being handed down to posterity with Aldrovandus's
and the rest, — she basely patched up the peace of Utrecht.
— Believe me, Sirs, 'twas the worst deed she did that year.
Chapter ji
•Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of Utrecht,
it was within a point of giving my uncle Toby a surfeit of
sieges; and though he recovered his appetite afterwards, yet
Calais itself left not a deeper scar in Mary's heart, than
Utrecht upon my uncle Toby's. To the end of his life h'.'
never could hear Utrecht mentioned upon any account what-
ever, — or so much as read an article of news extracted out
of the Utrecht Gazette, without fetching a sigh, as if his
heart would break in twain.
My father, who was a great motive-monger, and conse-
quently a very dangerous person for a man to sit by, either
laughing or crying, — for he generally knew your motive for
doing both, much better than you knew it yourself — would
always console my uncle Toby upon these occasions, in a
way, which shewed plainly, he imagined my uncle Toby
grieved for nothing in the whole affair, so much as the loss
of his hobby-horse. — Never mind, brother Toby, he would
say, — by God's blessing we shall have another war break out
again some of these days; and when it does, — the belligerent
powers, if they would hang themselves, cannot keep us out
of play. — I defy 'em, my dear Toby he would add, to take
countries without taking towns, — or towns without sieges.
My uncle Toby never took this back-stroke of my father's
at his hobby-horse kindly. — He thought the stroke ungen-
erous; and the more so, because in striking the horse he hit
4i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
the rider too, and in the most dishonourable part a blow
could fall; so that upon these occasions, he always laid
down his pipe upon the table with more fire to defend him-
self than common.
I told the reader, this time two years, that my uncle Toby
was not eloquent; and in the very same page gave an instance
to the contrary: — I repeat the observation, and a fact which
contradicts it again. — He was not eloquent, — it was not easy
to my uncle Toby to make long harangues, — and he hated
florid ones; but there were occasions where the stream over-
flowed the man, and ran so counter to its usual course, that
in some parts my uncle Toby, for a time, was at least equal
to TertuUus — but in others, in my own opinion, infinitely
above him.
My father was so highly pleased with one of these apolo-
getical orations of my uncle Toby's, which he had delivered
one evening before him and Yorick, that he wrote it down
before he went to bed.
I have had the good fortune to meet with it amongst my
father's papers, with here and there an insertion of his own,
betwixt two crooks, thus [ ], and is endorsed,
My Brother Toby's Justification of his own Prin-
ciples AND Conduct in wishing to Continue the
War.
I may safely say, I have read over this apologetical oration
of my uncle Toby's a hundred times, and think it so fine a
model of defence, — and shews so sweet a temperatment of
gallantry and good principles in him, that I give it to the
world, word for word (interlineations and all), as I find it.
Chapter 52
My Uncle Toby's Apologetical Oration
I AM not insensible, brother Shandy, that when a man whose
profession is arms, wishes, as I have done, for war, — it has
CHAP. 32 IRISIRAM SHANDY 417
an ill aspect to the world; — and that, how just and right
soever his motives and intentions may be, — he stands in an
uneasy posture in vindicating himself from private views in
doing it.
For this cause, if a soldier is a prudent man, which he
may be without being a jot the less brave, he will be sure not
to utter his wish in the hearing of an enemy; for say what he
will, an enemy will not believe him. — He will be cautious
of doing it even to a friend, — lest he may suffer in his esteem:
— But if his heart is overcharged, and a secret sigh for arms
must have its vent, he will reserve it for the ear of a brother,
who knows his character to the bottom, and what his true
notions, disfxisitions, and principles of honour are: What, I
hope, I have been in all these, brother Shandy, would be un-
becoming in me to sav : — much worse, I know, have I been
than I ought, — and something worse, perhaps, than I think:
But such as I am, you, my dear brother Shandy, who have
sucked the same breasts with me, — and with whom I have
been brought up from my cradle, — and from whose knowl-
edge, from the first hours of our boyish pastimes, down to
this, I have concealed no one action of my life, and scarce a
thought in it — Such as I am, brother, you must by this time
know me, with all my vices, and with all my weaknesses too,
whether of my age, my temper, my passions, or my under-
standing.
Tell me then, my dear brother Shandy, upon which of
them it is, that when I condemned the peace of Utrecht, and
grieved the war was not carried on with vigour a little
longer, you should think your brother did it upon unworthy
views; or that in wishing for war, he should be bad enough
to wish more of his fellow-creatures slain, — more slaves
made, and more families driven from their peaceful habita-
tions, merely for his own pleasure: — Tell me, brother
Shandy, upon what one deed of mine do you ground it?
[The devil a deed do I know of, dear Toby, but one for
4i8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
a hundred pounds, which I lent thee to carry on these cursed
sieges.]
If, when I was a school-boy, I could not hear a drum beat,
but my heart beat with it — was it my fault? — Did I plant
the propensity? — Did I sound the alarm within, or Nature?
When Guy, Earl of Warwick, and Parismus and Paris-
menus, and Valentine and Orson, and the Seven Champions
of England, were handed around the school, — were they
not all purchased with my own pocket-money? Was that
selfish, brother Shandy? When we read over the siege of
Trov, which lasted ten years and eight months, — though
with such a train of artillery as we had at Namur, the town
might have been carried in a week — was I not as much
concerned for the destruction of the Greeks and Trojans
as any boy of the whole school ? Had I not three strokes of a
ferula given me, two on my right hand, and one on my left,
for calling Helena a bitch for it? Did any one of you
shed more tears for Hector? And when king Priam came
to the camp to beg his body, and returned weeping back to
Troy without it, — you know, brother, I could not eat my
dinner. —
— Did that bespeak me cruel? Or because, brother
Shandy, my blood flew out into the camp, and my heart
panted for war, — was it a proof it could not ache for the
distresses of war too?
O brother! 'tis one thing for a soldier to gather laurels,
— and 'tis another to scatter cypress. — [Who told thee, my
dear Toby, that cypress was used by the ancients on mourn-
ful occasions? ]
— 'Tis one thing, brother Shandy, for a soldier to hazard
his own life — to leap first down into the trench, where he
is sure to be cut in pieces: — 'Tis one thing, from public
spirit and a thirst of glory, to enter the breach the first man,
— To stand in tlie foremost rank, and march bravely on with
drums and trumpets, and colours flying about his ears: — 'Tis
CHAP. 33 TRISTRAM SHANDY 419
one thing, I say, brother Shandy, to do this, — and 'tis another
thing to reflect on the miseries of war; — to view the desola-
tions of whole countries, and consider the intolerable fatigues
and hardships which the soldier himself, the instrument who
works them, is forced ( for sixpence a day, if he can get it),
to undergo.
Need I be told, dear Yorick, as I was by you, in Le
Fever's funeral sermon. That so soft and gentle a creature,
born to love, to mercy, and kindness, as man is, was not
shaped for this? — But why did you not add, Yorick, — if not
by nature — that he is so by necessity? — For what is war:
what is it, Yorick, when fought as ours has been, upon prin-
ciples of liberty, and upon principles of honour — what is it,
but the getting together of quiet and harmless people, with
their swords in their hands, to keep the ambitious and the
turbulent within bounds? And heaven is my witness, brother
Shandy, that the pleasure I have taken in these things, — and
that infinite delight, in particular, which has attended my
sieges in my bowling-green, has arose within me, and I hope
in the corporal too, from the consciousness we both had, that
in carrying them on, we were answering the great ends of
our creation.
Chapter 55
I TOLD the Christian reader — I say Christian — hoping he is
one — and if he is not, I am sorry for it — and only beg he
will consider the matter with himself, and not lay the blame
entirely upon this book —
I told him. Sir — for in good truth, when a man is telling
a story in the strange way I do mine, he is obliged continu-
ally to be going backwards and forwards to keep all tight
together in the reader's fancy — which, for my own part,
if I did not take heed to do more than at first, there is so
much unfixed and equivocal matter starting up, with so
many breaks and gaps in it, — and so little service do the stars
420 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
afford, which, nevertheless, I hang up in some of the darkest
passages, knowing that the world is apt to lose its way, with
all the lights the sun itself at noon-day can give it — and
now you see, I am lost myself! —
— But 'tis my father's fault; and whenever my brains
come to be dissected, you will perceive, without spectacles,
that he has left a large uneven thread, as you sometimes see
in an unsaleable piece of cambric, running along the whole
length of the web, and so untowardly, you cannot so much
as cut out a * *, (here I hang up a couple of lights again) —
or a fillet, or a thumb-stall, but it is seen or felt. —
Quanto id dilige^ztius in liberis frocreandis cavenduniy
sayeth Cardan. All which being considered, and that you
see 'tis morally impracticable for me to wind this round to
where I set out. —
I begin the chapter over again.
Chapter j^
I TOLD the Christian reader in the beginning of the chapter
which preceded my uncle Toby's apologetical oration, —
though in a different trope from what I should make use
of now. That the peace of Utrecht was within an ace of
creating the same shyness betwixt my uncle Toby and his
hobby-horse, as it did betwixt the queen and the rest of the
confederating powers.
There is an indignant way in which a man sometimes dis-
mounts his horse, which as good as says to him, "I'll go
afoot. Sir, all the days of my life, before I would ride a
single mile upon your back again." Now my uncle Toby
could not be said to dismount his horse in this manner; for
in strictness of language, he could not be said to dismount
his horse at all — his horse rather flung him — and somewhat
viciously, which made my uncle Toby take it ten times more
unkindly. Let this matter be settled by state-jockeys as they
like. — It created, I say, a sort of shyness betwixt my uncle
CHAP. 34 TRISTRAM SHANDY 421
Toby and his hobby-horse. — He had no occasion for him
from the month of March to November, which was the
summer after the articles were signed, except it was now
and then to take a short ride out, just to see that the fortifica-
tions and harbour of Dunkirk were demolished, according
to stipulation.
The French were so backwards all that summer in setting
about that affair, and Monsieur Tugghe, the Deputy from
the magistrates of Dunkirk, presented so many affecting
petitions to the queen, — beseeching her majesty to cause
only her thunder-bolts to fall upon the martial works, which
might have incurred her displeasure, — but to spare — to spare
the mole, for the mole's sake; which, in its naked situation,
could be no more than an object of pity — and the queen-
(who was but a woman) being of a pitiful disposition, —
and her ministers also, they not wishing in their hearts to
have the town dismantled, for these private reasons, * *
:|c * ***** ** *
4t 4( * * * * *
4t ***** ** *
« * ***** ** *
* * * ; SO that the whole went heavily on with my
uncle Toby; insomuch, that it was not within three full
months, after he and the corporal had constructed the town,
and put it in a condition to be destroyed, that the several
commandants, commissaries, deputies, negotiators, and in-
tendants, would permit him to set about it. — Fatal interval
of inactivity!
The corporal was for beginning the demolition, by mak-
ing a breach in the ramparts, or main fortifications of the
town — No, — that will never do, corporal, said my uncle
Toby, for in going that way to work with the town, the
English garrison will not be safe in it an hour; because if
the French are treacherous — They are as treacherous as
devils, an' please your honour, said the corporal — It gives me
422 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
concern always when I hear it, Trim, said my uncle Toby, —
for they don't want personal bravery j and if a breach is
made in the ramparts, they may enter it, and make them-
selves masters of the place when they please: — Let them
enter it, said the corporal, lifting up his pioneer's spade in
both his hands, as if he was going to lay about him with it, —
let them enter, an' please your honour, if they dare. — In
cases like this, corporal, said my uncle Toby, slipping his
right hand down to the middle of his cane, and holding it
afterwards truncheon-wise with his fore-finger extended, —
'tis no part of the consideration of a commandant, what the
enemy dare, — or what they dare not do; he must act with
prudence. We will begin with the outworks both towards
the sea and the land, and particularly with fort Louis, the
most distant of them all, and demolish it first, — and the rest,
one by one, both on our right and left, as we retreat towards
the town; — then we'll demolish the mole, — next fill up the
harbour, — then retire into the citadel, and blow it up into
the air: and having done that, corporal, we'll embark for
England. — We are there, quoth the corporal, recollecting
iu'mself — Very true, said my uncle Toby — looking at the
church.
Chaffer ^^
A DELUSIVE, delicious consultation or two of this kind, be-
twixt my uncle Toby and Trim, upon the demolition of
Dunkirk, — for a moment rallied back the ideas of those
pleasures, which were slipping from under him: — still — still
all went on heavily — the magic left the mind the weaker —
Stillness, with Silence at her back, entered the solitary par-
lour, and drew their gauzy mantle over my uncle Toby's
head; — and Listlessness, with her lax fibre and undirected
eye, sat quietly down beside him in his arm-chair. — No
longer Amberg and Rhinberg, and Limbourg, and Huy, and
Bonn, in one year, — and the prospect of Landen, and Tere-
CHAP. 36 TRISTRAM SHANDY 423
bach, and Drusen, and Dendcrmond, the next, — hurried on
the blood: — No longer did saps, and mines, and blinds, and
gabions, and palisadocs, keep out this fair enemy of man's
repose: — No more could my uncle Toby, after passing the
P'rench lines, as he eat his egg at supper, from thence break
into the heart of France, — cross over the Oyes, and with all
Picardie open behind him, march up to the gates of Paris,
and fall asleep with nothing but ideas of glory: — No more
was he to dream, he had fixed the roval standard upon the
tower of the Bastile, and awake with it streaming in his head.
— Softer visions, — gentler vibrations stole sweetly in
upon his slumbers; — the trumpet of war fell out of his
hands, — he took up the lute, sweet instrument! of all others
the most delicate; the most difficult! — how wilt thou touch
it, my dear uncle Toby?
Chapter jd
Now, because I have once or twice said, in my inconsiderate
way of talking, That I was confident the following memoirs
of my uncle Toby's courtship of widow Wadman, whenever
I got time to write them, would turn out one of the most
complete systems, both of the elementary and practical part
of love and love-makin^^, that ever was addressed to the
world — are you to imagine from thence, that I shall set out
with a description of what love is? whether part God and
p-»rt Devil, as Plotinus will have it —
— Or by a more critical equation, and supposing the whole
of love to be as ten — to determine with Ficinus, "How many
parts of it — the one, — and how many the other"; — or
whether it is all of it one great Devil, from head to tail, as
Plato has taken upon him to pronounce; concerning which
conceit of his, I shall not offer my opinion: — but my opinion
of Plato is this; that he appears, from this instance, to have
been a man of much the same temper and way of reasoning
424 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
with doctor Baynyard, who being a great enemy to blisters, as
imagining that half a dozen of 'em at once, would draw a
man as surely to his grave, as a hearse and six — rashly con-
cluded, that the Devil himself was nothing in the world,
but one great bouncing Cantharidis. —
I have nothing to say to people who allow themselves this
monstrous liberty in arguing, but what Nazianzen cried out
(that is, polemically) to Philagrius —
"'Euyt!" O rare! 'tis fine reasoning, Sir, indeed!- — â–
"oTi (piXoGO(pzic £v riaGtCi" — and most nobly do you aim at
truth, when you philosophize about it in your moods and
passions.
Nor is it to be imagined, for the same reason, I should
stop to inquire, whether love is a disease, — or embroil my-
self with Rhasis and Dioscorides, whether the seat of it is
in the brain or liver; — because this would lead me on, to an
examination of the two very opposite manners, in which
patients have been treated — the one, of Aaetius, who always
began with a cooling clyster of hempseed and bruised cucum-
bers; — and followed on with thin potations of water-lilies
and purslane — to which he added a pinch of snuff, of the
herb Hanea; — and where Aaetius durst venture it, — his
topaz-ring.
— The other, that of Gordonius, who (in his cap. 15.
dc Affiare) directs they should be thrashed, "ad futorem
usque," — till they stink again.
These are disquisitions, which my father, who had laid
in a great stock of knowledge of this kind, will be very busy
with in the progress of my uncle Toby's affairs: I must
anticipate tfius much, That from his theories of love, (with
which, by the way, he contrived to crucify my uncle Toby's
mind, almost as much as his amours themselves) — he took
a single step into practice; — and by means of a camphorated
cerecloth, which he found means to impose upon the tailor
CHAP, 37 TRIS'J'RAM SHANDY 425
for buckram, whilst he was making my uncle Toby a new
pair of breeches, he produced Gordonius's effect upon my
uncle Toby without the disgrace.
What changes this produced, will be read in its proper
place: all that is needful to be added to the anecdote, is this
— That whatever effect it had upon my uncle Toby, — it had
a vile effect upon the house; — and if my uncle Toby had not
smoked it down as he did, it might have had a vile effect
upon my father too.
Chapter 57
— 'Twill come out of itself by and bye. — All I contend
for is, that I am not obliged to set out with a definition of
what love is; and so long as I can go on with my story
intelligibly, with the help of the word itself, without any
other idea to it, than what I have in common with the rest
of the world, why should I differ from it a moment before
the timer — When I can get on no further, — and find my-
self entangled on all sides of this mystic labyrinth, — my
Opinion will then come in, in course, — and lead me out.
At present, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood, in
telling the reader, my uncle Toby fell in love:
— Not that the phrase is at all to my liking: for to say
a man is fallen in love, — or that he is deeply in love, — or
up to the ears in love, — and sometimes even over head and
ears in it, — carries an idiomatical kind of implication, that
love is a thing below a man: — this is recurring again to
Plato's opinion, wh.ich, with all his divinityship, — I hold to
be damnable and heretical : — and so much for that.
Let love therefore be what it will, — my uncle Toby fell
into it.
— And possibly, gentle reader, with such a temptation —
so wouldst thou: For never did thy eyes behold, or thy
concupiscence covet any thing in this world, more concu-
piscible than widow Wadman.
426 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
Chapter j8
To conceive this right, — call for pen and ink — -here's paper
ready to your hand. — Sit down, Sir, paint her to your own
mind — as like your mistress as you can — as unlike your wife
as your conscience will let you — 'tis all one to me — please
but your own fancy in it.
CHAP. 38 TRISTRAM SHANDY 427
428 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vi
— Was ever anything in Nature so sweet! — so exquisite!
— Then, dear Sir, how could my uncle Toby resist it?
Thrice happy book! thou wilt have one page, at least,
within thy covers, which Malice will not blacken, and which
Ignorance cannot misrepresent.
Chafter jp
As Susannah was informed by an express from Mrs. Bridget,
of my uncle Toby's falling in love with her mistress fifteen
days before it happened, — the contents of which express,
Susannah communicated to my mother the next day, — it
has just given me an opportunity of entering upon my uncle
Toby's amours a fortnight before their existence.
I have an article of news to tell you, Mr. Shandv, quoth
my mother, which will surprise you greatly. —
Now my father was then holding one of his second beds
of justice, and was musing within himself about the hard-
ships of matrimony, as my mother broke silence. —
" — My brother Toby, quoth she, is going to be married
to Mrs. Wadman."
— Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie
diagonally in his bed again as long as he lives.
It was a consuming vexation to my father, that my mother
never asked the meaning of a thing she did not understand.
— That she is not a woman of science, my father would
say — is her misfortune — but she might ask a question. —
My mother never did. — In short, she went out of the
world at last without knowing whether it turned round, or
stood still. — My father had officiously told her above a thou-
sand times which way it was, — but she always forgot.
For these reasons, a discourse seldom went on much
further betwixt them, than a proposition, — a reply, and a
rejoinder; at the end of which, it generally took breath for
a few minutes (as the affair of the breeches), and then
went on again.
CHAP. 40 TRISTRAM SHANDY' 429
If lie marries, 'twill be the worse for us, — quoth my
mother.
Not a cherry-stone, said my father, — he may as well
batter away his means upon that, as any thing else.
— To be sure, said my mother: so here ended the proposi-
tion, — the reply, — and the rejoinder, I told you of.
It will be some amusement to him, too, — said my father.
A very great one, answered my mother, if he should
have children. —
— Lord have mercy upon me, — said mv father to him-
**********
**********
**********
*******
Chapter ^o
I AM now beginning to get fairly into my work; and by the
help of a vegetable diet, with a few of the cold seeds, I
make no doubt but I shall be able to go on with my uncle
Toby's story and my own in a tolerable straight line. Now,
430 TRISTRAM SHANDY nooKvi
These were the four lines I moved in through my first,
second, third, and fourth volumes. — In the fifth volume I
have been very good, — the precise line I have described in it
being this:
By which it appears, that except at the curve, marked A,
where I took a trip to Navarre, — and the indented curve B,
which is the short airing when I was there with the Lady
Baussiere and her page, — I have not taken the least frisk of
a digression, till John de la Casse's devils led me the round
you see marked D. — for as for c c c c c they are nothing but
parentheses, and the common ins and outs incident to the lives
of the greatest ministers of state; and when compared with
what men have done, — or with my own transgressions at
the letters A B D — they vanish into nothing.
In this last volume I have done better still — for from
the end of Le Fever's episode, to the beginning of my uncle
Toby's campaigns, — I have scarce stepped a yard out of my
way.
If I mend at this rate, it is not impossible — by the good
leave of his grace of Benevento's devils — but I may arrive
hereafter at the excellency of going on even thus:
which is a line drawn as straight as I could draw it, by a
writing-master's ruler (borrowed for that purpose), turn-
ing neither to the right hand nor to the left.
This right line, — the path-way for Christians to walk in!
say divines —
— The emblem of moral rectitude! says Cicero —
CHAP. 40 TRISTRAM SHANDY 431
— The best line! say cabbage planters — is the shortest
line, says Archimedes, which can be drawn from one given
f>oint to another. —
I wish your ladyships would lay this matter to heart, in
your next birth-day suits!
— What a journey!
Pray can you tell me, — that is, without anger, before I
write my chapter upon straight lines — by what mistake —
who told them so — or how it has come to pass, that your
men of wit and genius have all along confounded this line,
with the line of Gravitation?
BOOK VII
Chaffer i
No — I think, I said, I would write two volumes every year,
provided the vile cough which then tormented me, and which
to this hour I dread worse than the devil, would but give
me leave — and in another place — (but where, I can't recol-
lect now) speaking of my book as a machine, and laying
my pen and ruler down cross-wise upon the table, in order
to gain the greater credit to it — I swore it should be kept
a going at that rate these forty years, if it pleased but the
fountain of life to bless me so long with health and good
spirits.
Now as for my spirits, little have I to lay to their charge
— nay so very little (unless the mounting me upon a long
stick and playing the fool with me nineteen hours out of
the twenty-four, be accusations) that on the contrary, I have
much — much to thank 'em for: cheerily have ye made me
tread the path of life with all the burthens of it (except
its cares) upon my back; in no one moment of my existence,
that I remember, have ye once deserted me, or tinged the
objects which came in my way, either with sable, or with a
sickly green; in dangers ye gilded my horizon with hope,
and when Death himself knocked at my door — ye bad him
come again; and in so gay a tone of careless indifference, did
ye do it, that he doubted of his commission —
" — There must certainly be some mistake in this matter,"
quoth he.
Now there is nothing in this world I abominate worse,
than to be interrupted in a story — and I was that moment
telling Eugenius a most tawdry one in my way, of a nun
432
CHAP. I TRISTRAM SHANDY 433
who fancied herself a shell-fish, and of a monk damned for
eating a mussel, and shewing him the grounds and justice
of the procedure —
" — Did ever so grave a personage get into so vile a
scraper" quoth Death. Thou hast had a narrow escape,
Tristram, said Eugenius, taking hold of my hand as I fin-
ished my story —
But there is no living, Eugenius, replied I, at this rate;
for as this son of a whore has found out mv lodgings —
— You call him rightly, said Eugenius, — for by sin, wc
are told, he entered the world — I care not which way he
entered, quoth I, provided he be not in such a hurry to
take me out with him — for I have forty volumes to write,
and forty thousand things to say and do which no body in
the world will say and do for me, except thyself; and as
thou seest he has got me by the throat (for Eugenius could
scarce hear me speak across the table), and that I am no
match for him in the open field, had I not better, whilst
these few scattered spirits remain, and these two spider legs
of mine (holding one of them up to him) are able to sup-
port me — had I not better, Eugenius, fly for my life? 'Tis
my advice, my dear Tristram, said Eugenius — Then by
heaven! I will lead him a dance he little thinks of — for I
will gallop, quoth I, without looking once behind me, to tht
hanks of the Garonne; and if I hear him clattering at my
heels — I'll scamper away to mount Vesuvius — from thence
to Joppa, and from Joppa to the world's end; where, if he
follows mc, I pray God he may break his neck —
— He runs more risk there, said Eugenius, than thou.
Eugenius's wit and affection brought blood into the cheek
from whence it had been some months banished — 'twas a
vile moment to bid adieu in; he led me to my chaise —
Allons! said I; the postboy gave a crack with his whip — â–
off I went like a cannon, and in half a dozen hounds got
into Dover.
434 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
Chapter 2
Now hang it! quoth I, as I looked towards the French coast
— a man should know something of his own country too, be-
fore he goes abroad — and I never gave a peep into Rochester
church, or took notice of the dock of Chatham, or visited
St. Thomas at Canterbury, though they all three laid in my
way —
— But mine, indeed, is a particular case —
So without arguing the matter further with Thomas o'
Becket, or any one else — I skipped into the boat, and in five
minutes we got under sail, and scudded away like the wind.
Pray, captain, quoth I, as I was going down into the
cabin, is a man never overtaken by Death in this passage?
Why, there is not time for a man to be sick in it, replied
he — What a cursed liar! for I am sick as a horse, quoth I,
already — what a brain! upside down! — hey-day! the cells
are broke loose one into another, and the blood, and the
lymph, and the nervous juices, with the fixed and volatile
salts, are all jumbled into one mass — Good G — ! every
thing turns round in it like a thousand whirlpools — I'd give
a shilling to know if I shan't write the clearer for it —
Sick! sick! sick! sick! —
— When shall we get to land? captain — they have hearts
like stones — O I am deadly sick! — reach me that thing,
boy — 'tis the most discomfiting sickness — I wish I was at
the bottom — Madam! how is it with you? Undone! un-
done! un — O! undone! sir — What the first time? — No,
'tis the second, third, sixth, tenth time, sir — hey-day! — what
a trampling over head! — hollo! cabin boy! what's the mat-
ter? —
The wind chopped about! s'Death! — then I shall meet
him full in the face.
CHAP. 4 TRISTRAM SHANDY 435
What luck! — 'tis choppcil about again, master — O the
devil chop it —
Captain, quoth she, for heaven's sake, let us get ashore.
Chapter j
It is a great inconvenience to a man in a haste, that there
are three distinct roads between Calais and Paris, in behalf
of which there is so much to be said by the several deputies
from the towns which lie along them, that half a day is
easily lost in settling which you'll take.
First, the road by Lisle and Arras, which is the most about
— but most interesting, and instructing.
The second, that by Amiens, which you may go, if you
would see Chantilly —
And that by Beauvais, which you may go, if you will.
For this reason a great many choose to go by Beauvais.
Chapter ^
"Now before I quit Calais," a travel-writer would say, "it
would not be amiss to give some account of it." — Now I
think it very much amiss — that a man cannot go quietly
through a town and let it alone, when it docs not meddle
with him, but that he must be turning about and drawing
his pen at every kennel he crosses over, merely o' my
conscience for the sake of drawing it; because, if we may
judge from what has been wrote of these things, by all who
have wrote and galloped — or who have galloped and
wrote, which is a different way still; or who, for more ex-
pedition than the rest, have wrote galloping, which is the
way I do at present — from the great Addison, who did it
with his satchel of school books hanging at his a — , and
galling his beast's crupper at every stroke — there is not a
galloper of us all who might not have gone on ambling
quietly in his own ground (in case he had any), and have
wrote all he had to write, dryshod, as well as not.
436 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
For my own part, as heaven is my judge, and to which
I shall ever inake my last appeal — I know no more of Calais
(except the little my barber told me of it as he was whetting
his razor), than I do this moment of Grand Cairo; for it
was dusky in the evening when I landed, as dark as pitch
in the morning when I set out, and yet by merely knowing
what is what, and by drawing this from that in one part of
the town, and by spelling and putting this and that together
in another — I would lay any travelling odds, that I this mo-
ment write a chapter upon Calais as long as my arm; and
with so distinct and satisfactory a detail in every item, which
is worth a stranger's curiosity in the town — that you would
take me for the town-clerk of Calais itself — and where, sir,
would be the wonder? was not Democritus, who laughed ten
times more than I — town-clerk of Abdera? and was not (I
forget his name) who had more discretion than us both,
town-clerk of Ephesus? — it should be penned moreover,
sir, with so much knowledge and good sense, and truth, and
precision —
— Nay — if you don't believe me, you may read the
chapter for your pains.
Chafter 5
Calais, Calatium, Calusium, Calesium.
This town, if we may trust its archives, the authority of
which I see no reason to call in question in this place — was
once no more than a small village belonging to one of the
first Counts de Guignes; and as it boasts at present of no less
than fourteen thousand inhabitants, exclusive of four hun-
dred and twenty distinct families in the basse ville, or
suburbs — it must have grown up by little and little, I sup-
pose, to its present size.
Though there are four convents, there is but one parochial
church in the whole town; I had not an opportunity of
taking its exact dimensions, but it is pretty easy to make
CHAP.5 TRISTRAM SHANDY 437
a tolerable conjecture of 'em — for as there are fourteen
thousand inhabitants in the town, if the church holds them
all it must be considerably large — and if it will not — 'tis a
very great pity they have not another — it is built in form of
a cross, and dedicated to the Virgin Mary; the steeple, which
has a spire to it, is placed in the middle of the church, and
stands upon four pillars elegant and light enough, but suf-
ficiently strong at the same time — it is decorated with eleven
altars, most of which are rather fine than beautiful. The
great altar is a masterpiece in its kind; 'tis of white marble,
and, as I was told, near sixty feet high — had it been much
higher, it had been as high as mount Calvary itself — there-
fore, I suppose it must be high enough in all conscience.
There was nothing struck me more than the great Square;
tho' I cannot say 'tis either well paved or well built; but
'tis in the heart of the town, and most of the streets, espe-
cially those in that quarter, all terminate in it; could there
have been a fountain in all Calais, which it seems there
cannot, as such an object would have been a great ornament,
it is not to be doubted, but that the inhabitants would have
had it in the very centre of this square, — not that it is
properly a square, — because 'tis forty feet longer from east
to west, than from north to south; so that the P>ench
in general have more reason on their side in calling them
Places than Squares, which, strictly speaking, to be sure,
they are not.
The town-house seems to be but a sorry building, and
not to be kept in the best repair; otherwise it had been a
second great ornament to this place; it answers however
its destination, and serves very well for the reception of
the magistrates, who assemble in it from time to time; so
that 'tis presumable, justice is regularly distributed.
I have heard much of it, but there is nothing at all curious
ill the Courgain; 'tis a distinct quarter of the town, in-
habited solely by sailors and fishermen; it consists of -i
438 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
number of small streets, neatly built and mostly of brick;
'tis extremely populous, but as that may be accounted for,
from the principles of their diet, — there is nothing curious in
that neither. — A traveller may see it to satisfy himself — he
must not omit however taking notice of La Tour de Guet,
upon any account; 'tis so called from its particular destina-
tion, because in war it serves to discover and give notice
of the enemies which approach the place, either by sea or
land; — but 'tis monstrous high, and catches the eye so con-
tinually, you cannot avoid taking notice of it if you would.
It was a singular disappointment to me, that I could not
have permission to take an exact survey of the fortifica-
tions, which are the strongest in the world, and which
from first to last, that is, from the time they were set about
by Philip of France, Count of Boulogne, to the present war,
wherein many reparations were made, have cost (as I
learned afterwards from an engineer in Gascony) — above
a hundred millions of livres. It is very remarkable, that at
the Tcte de Gravelenes, and where the town is naturally the
weakest, they have expended the most money; so that the out-
works stretch a great way into the campaign, and conse-
quently occupy a large tract of ground — However, after all
that is said and done, it must be acknowledged that Calais
was never upon any account so considerable from itself, as
from its situation, and that easy entrance which it gave our
ancestors, upon all occasions, into France: it was not without
its inconveniences also; being no less troublesome to the
English in those times, than Dunkirk has been to us, in
ours; so that it was deservedly looked upon as the key to
both kingdoms, which no doubt is the reason that there have
arisen so many contentions who should keep it: of these, the
siege of Calais, or rather the blockade (for it was shut up
both by land and sea), was the most memorable, as it
withstood the efforts of Edward the Third a whole year,
and was not terminated at last but by famine and extreme
CHAP. 7 TRIS^J1<AM SHANDY 439
misery; the gallantry of Eustace dc St. Pierre, who offered
himself a victim for his fellow-citizens, has ranked his
name with heroes. As it will not take up above fifty pages,
it would be injustice to the reader, not to give him a
minute account of that romantic transaction, as well as of
the siege itself, in Rapin's own words:
Chapter 6
— But courage! gentle reader! — I scorn it — 'tis enough to
have thee in my power — but to make use of the advantage
which the fortune of the pen has now gained over thee,
would be too much — No — ! by that all-powerful fire which
warms the visionary brain, and lights the spirits through un-
worldly tracts! ere I would force a helpless creature upon
this hard service, and make thee pay, poor soul! for fifty
pages, which I have no right to sell thee, — naked as I am,
I would browse upon the mountains, and smile that the
north wind brought me neither my tent or my supper.
— So put on, my brave boy! and make the best of thy
way to Boulogne.
Chapter 7
— Boulogne! — hah! — so we are all got together — debtors
and sinners before heaven; a jolly set of us — but I can't
stay and quaff it off with you — I'm pursued myself like a
hundred devils, and shall be overtaken, before I can well
change horses: — for heaven's sake, make haste — 'Tis for
high treason, quoth a very little man, whispering as low as
he could to a very tall man, that stood next him — Or else
for murder; quoth the tall man — Well thrown, Size-ace!
quoth I. No; quoth a third, the gentleman has been com-
mitting .
Ah! ma chere fille! said I, as she tripped by from hci
matins — you look as rosy as the morning (for the sun was
rising, and it made the compliment the more gracious) —
440 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
No; it can't be that, qwoth a fourth — (she made a curt'sy
to me — I kissed my hand) 'tis debt, continued he: 'Tis
certainly for debt; quoth a fifth; I would not pay that
gentleman's debts, quoth Ace, for a thousand pounds; nor
would I, quoth Size, for six times the sum — Well thrown,
Size-ace, again! quoth I; — but I have no debt but the debt
of Nature, and I want but patience of her, and I will pay
her every farthing I owe her — How can you be so hard-
hearted. Madam, to arrest a poor traveller going along with-
out molestation to any one upon his lawful occasions? do
stop that death-looking, long-striding scoundrel of a scare-
sinner, who is posting after me — he never would have fol-
lowed me but for you — if it be but for a stage or two, just
to give me start of him, I beseech you, madam — do, dear
lady —
— Now, in troth, 'tis a great pity, quoth mine Irish host,
that all this good courtship should be lost; for the young
gentlewoman has been after going out of hearing of it all
along. —
— Simpleton! quoth I.
— So you have nothing else in Boulogne worth seeing?
By Jasus! there is the finest Seminary for the Humani-
ties —
— There cannot be a finer, quoth I.
Chaffer 8
When the precipitancy of a man's wishes hurries on his
ideas ninety times faster than the vehicle he rides in — woe
be to truth! and woe be to the vehicle and its tackling (let
'em be made of what stuflr you will) upon which he breathes
forth the disappointment of his soul!
As I never give general characters either of men or
things in choler, "the most haste the worst speed," was all
the reflection I made upon the affair, the first time it hap-
pened; — the second, third, fourth, and fifth time, I con-
CHAP. 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 441
fined it respectively to those times, and accordingly blamed
only the second, third, fourth, and fifth post-boy for it,
without carrying my reflections further; but the event con-
tinuing to befall me from the fifth, to the sixth, seventh,
eighth, ninth, and tenth time, and without one exception,
I then could not avoid making a national reflection of it,
which I do in these words;
That something is always wrong in a Frencii post-chaise,
upon first setting out.
Or the proposition may stand thus:
A French postillion has always to alight before he has got
three hundred yards out of town.
What's wrong now? — Diable! — a rope's broke! — a knot
has slipt! — a staple's drawn! — a bolt's to whittle! — a tag,
a rag, a jag, a strap, a buckle, or a buckle's tongue, want
altering.
Now true as all this is, I never think myself impuwercd
to excommunicate thereupon cither the post-chaise, or its
driver — nor do I take it into my head to swear by the living
G — , I would rather go a-foot ten thousand times — or that I
will be damned, if ever I get into another — but I take the
matter coolly before me, and consider, that some tag, or
rag, or jag, or bolt, or buckle, or buckle's tongue, will ever
be a wanting, or want altering, travel where I will — so I
never chaflF, but take the good and the bad as they fall in
my road, and get on: — Do so, my lad! said I; he had lost
five minutes already, in alighting in order to get at a
luncheon of black bread, which he had crammed into the
chaise-pocket, and was remounted, and going leisurely on,
to relish it the better — Get on, my lad, said I, briskly — but
in the most persuasive tone imaginable, for I jingled a
four-and-twenty sous piece against the glass, taking care to
hold the flat side towards him, as he looked back: the dog
grinned intelligence from his right car to his left, and be-
hind his sooty muzzle discovered such a pearly row of teeth,
442 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vu
that Sovereignty would have pawned her jew^els for them. —
_ , , \ What masticators! —
ust heaven; ) ,r., , , ,
-' i U hat bread ! —
and so as he finished the last mouthful of it, we entered the
town of Montreuil.
Chapter g
There is not a town in all France, which, in my opinion,
looks better in the map, than Montreuil; — I own, it does
not look so well in the book of post-roads; but when you
come to see it — to be sure it looks most pitifully.
There is one thing, however, in it at present very hand-
som.e; and that is, the inn-keeper's daughter: She has been
eighteen months at Amiens, and six at Paris, in going
through her classes; so knits, and sews, and dances, and
does the little coquetries ver)' well. —
— A slut! in running them over within these five minutes
that I have stood looking at her, she has let fall at least a
dozen loops in a white thread stocking — yes, yes — I see,
you cunning gipsy! — 'tis long and taper — you need not pin it
to your knee — and that 'tis your own — and fits you exactly. —
— That Nature should have told this creature a word
about a statue's thumb!
— But as this sample is worth all their thumbs — besides,
I have her thumbs and fingers in at the bargain, if they can
be anv guide to me, — and as Janatone withal ( for that is
her name) stands so well for a drawing — may I never draw
more, or rather mav I draw like a draught-horse, by main
strength all the days of my life, — if I do not draw her in
all her proportions, and with as determined a pencil, as if I
had her in the wettest draper)-. —
— But your worships choose rather that I give you the
length, breadth, and perpendicular height of the great
parish-church, or drawing of the facade of the abbey of Saint
Austreberte which has been transported from Artois hither
CHAP. 10 TRISTRAM SHANDY 443
— everything is just I suppose as the masons and carpenters
left them, — and if the belief in Christ continues so long,
will be so these fifty years to come — so your worships and
reverences may all measure them at your leisures — but he
who measures thee, Janatone, must do it now — thou carriest
the principles of change within thy frame; and considering
the chances of a transitory life, I would not answer for thee
a moment; ere twice twelve months are passed and gone,
thou mayest grow out like a pumpkin, and lose thy shapes
— or thou mayest go off like a flower, and lose thy beauty —
nay, thou mavest go off like a hussy — and lose thyself. — 1
would not answer for my aunt Dinah, was she alive — 'faith,
scarce for her picture — were it but painted by Reynolds —
But if I go on with my drawing, after naming that son
of Apollo, I'll be shot —
So you must e'en be content with the original; which, if
the evening is fine in passing thro' Montreuil, you will see
at your chaise-door, as you change horses: but unless you
have as bad a reason for haste as I have — you had better
stop: — She has a little of the devote: but that, sir, is a terce
to a nine in your favour —
— L — help me! I could not count a single point: so
had been piqued and repiqued, and capotted to the devil.
Chafter 10
All which being considered, and that Death moreover
might be much nearer me than I imagined — I wish I was at
Abbeville, quoth I, were it only to see how they card and
spin — so off we set.
^ de Montreuil a Narnpont - foste et demi
de Namfont a Bernay poste
de Bernay a Nouvion poste
de Nouvion a Abbeville poste
— but the carders and spinners were all gone to bed.
1 Vid. Book of French post roads, page 36, edition of 1762.
444 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
Chafter ii
What a vast advantage is travelling! only it heats one; but
there is a remedy for that, which you will pick out of the
next chapter.
Chafter 12
Was I in a condition to stipulate with Death, as I am this
moment with my apothecary, how and where I will take
his clyster — I should certainly declare against submitting to
it before my friends; and therefore I never seriously think
upon the mode and manner of this great catastrophe, which
generally takes up and torments my thoughts as much as the
catastrophe itself; but I constantly draw the curtain across
it with this wish, that the Disposer of all things may so order
it, that it happen not to me in my own house — but rather
in some decent inn — at home, I know it, — the concern of
my friends, and the last services of wiping my brows, and
smoothing my pillow, which the quivering hand of pale
affection shall pay me, will so crucify my soul, that I shall
die of a distemper which my physician is not aware of: but
in an inn, the few cold offices I wanted, would be pur-
chased with a few guineas, and paid me with an undisturbed,
but punctual attention — but mark. This inn should not
be the inn at Abbeville — if there was not another inn in the
universe, I would strike that inn out of the capitulation: so
Let the horses be in the chaise exactly by four in the
morning — Yes, by four, Sir, — or by Genevieve! I'll raise
a clatter in the house shall wake the dead.
Chafter 75
"Make them like unto a wheel," is a bitter sarcasm, as all
the learned know, against the grand tour, and that restless
spirit for making it, which David prophetically foresaw
would haunt the children of men in the latter days; and
CHAP, iji TRISTRAM SHANDY 445
therefore, as thinketh the great bishop Hall, 'tis one of the
severest imprecations which David ever uttered against the
enemies of the Lord — and, as if he had said, "I wish them
no worse luck than always to be rolling about" — So much
motion, continues he (for he was very corpulent) — is so
much unquictness; and so much of rest, bv the same analogy,
is so much of heaven.
Now, I (being very thin) think differently; and that so
much of motion, is so much of life, and so much of joy —
and that to stand still, or get on but slowly, is death and
the devil —
Hollo! Ho! — the whole world's asleep! — bring out
the horses — grease the wheels — tie on the mail — and drive
a nail into that moulding — I'll not lose a moment —
Now the wheel we are talking of, and whereinto (but not
whereonto, for that would make an Ixion's wheel of it)
he curseth his enemies, according to the bishop's habit of
body, should certainly be a post-chaise wheel, whether they
were set up in Palestine at that time or not — and my wheel,
for the contrary reasons, must as certainly be a cart-wheel
groaning round its revolution once in an age; and of which
sort, were I to turn commentator, I should make no scruple
to affirm, they had great store in that hilly country.
I love the Pythagoreans (which more than ever I dare
tell my dear Jenny) for their "x'^z\c.jC'j anb tcj ZojpaTOC,
tic T5 Ka/.ujZ •J'l/crc^clv" — [their] "getting out of the
body, in order to think well." No man thinks right, whilst
he is in it; blinded as he must be, with his congenial hu-
mours, and drawn differently aside, as the bishop and myself
have been, with too lax or too tense a fibre — Reason is, half
of it. Sense; and the measure of heaven itself is but the
measure of our present appetites and concoctions —
— But which of the two, in the present case, do you
think to be mostly in the wron2r
^^6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
You, certainly: quoth she, to disturb a whole family so
ea
rly.
Chaffer 14
— But she did not know I was under a vow not to shave
my beard till I got to Paris; — yet I hate to make mysteries
of nothing; — 'tis the cold cautiousness of one of those little
souls from which Lessius {^lib. 13, de moribiis divinis, cap.
24) hath made his estimate, wherein he sctteth forth, That
one Dutch mile, cubically multiplied, will allow room
enough, and to spare, for eight hundred thousand millions,
which he supposes to be as great a number of souls (count-
ing from the fall of Adam) as can possibly be damned to
the end of the world.
From what he has made this second estimate — unless
from the parental goodness of God — I don't know — I am
much more at a loss what could be in Franciscus Ribbera's
head, who pretends that no less a space than one of two
hundred Italian miles multiplied into itself, will be sufficient
to hold the like number — he certainly must have gone upon
some of the old Roman souls, of which he had read, without
reflecting how much, by a gradual and most tabid decline,
in the course of eighteen hundred years, they must un-
avoidably have shrunk so as to have come, when he wrote,
almost to nothing.
In Lessius's time, who seems the cooler man, they were
as little as can be imagined —
— We find them less now —
And next winter we shall find them less again; so that
if we go on from little to less, and from less to nothing, I
hesitate not one moment to affirm, that in half a centurj,
at this rate, we shall have no souls at all; which being the
period beyond which I doubt likewise of the existence of the
Christian faith, 'twill be one advantage that both of 'em
will be exactly worn out together.
CHAP. i6 JRISIRAM SHANDY" 447
Blessed Jupiter! aiul blessed every other heathen god and
goddess! for now yc will all come into play again, and with
Priapus at your tails — what jovial times! — but where am I:
and into what a delicious riot of things am I rushing? I —
I who must be cut short in the midst of my days, and taste
no more of 'em than what I borrow from my imagination —
peace to thee, generous fool! and let me go on.
Chapter 75
— "So hating, I say, to make mysteries of nothing" — I
intrusted it with the post-boy, as soon as ever I got off the
stone; he gave a crack with his whip to balance the compli-
ment; and with the thill-horse trotting, and a sort of an up
and a down of the other, we danced it along t<j Ailly-au-
clochers, famed in days of yore for the finest chimes in the
world; but we danced through it without music — the chimes
being greatly out of order — (as in truth they were through
all France).
And so making all possible speed, from
Ailly-au-clochers, I got to Hixcourt,
from Hixcourt, I got to Pequignay, and
from Pequignay, I got to Amiens,
concerning which town I have nothing to inform you, but
what I have informed you once before — and that was —
that Janatone went there to school.
Chapter 16
In the whole catalogue of those whiffling vexations which
come puffing across a man's canvas, there is not one of a
more teasing and tormenting nature, than this particular one
which I am going to describe — and for which (unless you
travel with an avance-courier, which numbers do in order
to prevent it) — there is no help: and it is this.
That be you in never so kindly a propensity to sleep —
the' you are passing perhaps through the finest country —
448 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
upon the best roads, and in tlic easiest carriage for doing
it in the world — nay, was you sure you could sleep fifty
miles straight forwards, without once opening your eyes —
nay, what is more, was you as demonstratively satisfied as
you can be of any truth in Euclid, that you should upon all
accounts be full as well asleep as awake — nay, perhaps bet-
ter — Yet the incessant returns of paying for the horses at
every stage, — with the necessity thereupon of putting your
hand into your pocket, and counting out from thence three
livres fifteen sous (sous by sous), puts an end to so much
of the project, that you cannot execute above six miles of
it (or supposing it is a post and a half, that is but nine) —
were it to save your soul from destruction.
— I'll be even with 'em, quoth I, for I'll put the precise
sum into a piece of paper, and hold it ready in my hand all
the way: "Now I shall have nothing to do," said I (com-
posing myself to rest), "but to drop this gently into the post-
boy's hat and not say a word." — Then there wants two sous
more to drink — or there is a twelve sous piece of Louis
XIV. which will not pass — or a livre and some odd liards to
be brought over from the last stage, which Monsieur had
forgot; which altercations (as a man cannot dispute very
well asleep) rouse him: still is sweet sleep retrievable; and
still might the flesh weigh down the spirit, and recover itself
of these blows — but then, by heaven! you have paid but for
a single post — whereas 'tis a post and a half; and this
obliges you to pull out your book of post-roads, the print
of which is so very small, it forces you to open your eyes,
whether you will or no: Then Monsieur le Cure offers you
a pinch of snuff — or a poor soldier shews you his leg— or
a shaveling his box — or the priestess of the cistern will water
your wheels — they do not want it — but she swears by her
priesthood (throwing it back) that they do: — then you have
all these points to argue, or consider over in your mind; in
CHAV. 17 IRIS'IRAM SHANDY 449
doing of which, the rational powers get so thoroughly
awakened — you may get 'em to sleep again as you can.
It was entirely owing to one of these misfortunes, or I
had passed clean by the stables of Chantilly —
— But the postillion first affirming, and then persisting in
it to my face, that there was no mark upon the two sous
piece, I opened my eyes to be convinced — and seeing the
mark upon it, as plain as my nose — I leaped out of the chaise
in a passion, and so saw every thing at Chantilly in spite. —
I tried it but for three posts and a half, but believe 'tis the
best principle in the world to travel speedily upon; for as
few objects look very inviting in that mood — you have little
or nothing to stop you; by which means it was that I passed
through St. Denis, without turning my head so much as on
one side towards the Abbey —
— Richness of their treasury! stuff and nonsense! — bat-
ing their jewels, which arc all false, I would not give three
sous for any one thing in it, but Jaidas's lantern — nor for
that either, only as it grows dark, it might be of use.
Chapter ij
Crack, crack — crack, crack — crack, crack — so this is Paris!
quoth I (continuing in the same mood) — and this is Paris!
— humph! — Paris! cried I, repeating the name the third
time —
The first, the finest, the most brilliant —
The streets however are nasty.
But it looks, I suppose, better than it smells — crack, crack
— crack, crack — what a fuss thou makest! — as if it con-
cerned the cood people to be informed, that a man with
pale face and clad in black, had the honour to be driven into
Paris at nine o'clock at night, by a postillion in a tawny
vellow jerkin, turned up with red calamanco — crack, crack
— crack, crack — cr.ack, crack, — I wish thy whip —
450 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
— But 'tis the spirit of thy nation; so crack — crack on.
Ha! — and no one gives the wall! — but in the School of
Urbanity herself, if the walls arc besh-t — how can you do
otherwise ?
And prithee when do they light the lamps? What? —
never in the summer months! — Ho! 'tis the time of salads.
— O rare! salad and soup — soup and salad — salad and soup,
encore —
— 'Tis too much for smners.
Now I cannot bear the barbarity of it; how can that un-
conscionable coachman talk so much bawdy to that lean
horse? don't you see, friend, the streets are so villainously
narrow, that there is not room in all Paris to turn a wheel-
barrow? In the grandest city of the whole world, it would
not have been amiss, if they had been left a thought wider;
nay, were it only so much in every single street, as that a man
might know (was it only for satisfaction) on which side
of it he was walking.
One — two — three — four — five — six — seven — eight —
nine — ten.^ — Ten cooks' shops! and twice the number of
barbers! and all within three minutes driving! one would
thing that all the cooks in the world, on some great merry-
meeting with the barbers, by joint consent had said — Come,
let us all go live at Paris: the French love good eating —
they are all gourmands — we shall rank high; if their God is
their belly — their cooks must be gentlemen: and forasmuch
as the periwig maketh the man, and the periwig-maker
maketh the periwig — ergo, would the barbers say, we shall
rank higher still — we shall be above you all — we shall be
Capitouls ^ at least — fardi! we shall all wear swords —
— And so, one would swear (that is, by candle-light, —
but there is no depending upon it) they continue to do, to
this day.
^ Chief Magistrate in Toulouse, etc. etc. etc.
CHAP. 1 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 451
Chapter 18
The French are certainly misunderstood: — but whether the
fault is theirs, in not sufficiently explaining themselves; or
speaking with that exact limitation and precision which one
.vould expect on a point of such importance, and which,
moreover, is so likely to be contested by us — or whether the
fault may not be altogether on our side, in not understanding
their language always so critically as to know "what they
would be at" — I shall not decide; but 'tis evident to me,
when they affirm, "That they who have seen Paris, have
seen every thing," they must mean to speak of those who
have seen it by daylight.
As for candle-light — I give it ii[") — I have said before,
there was no depending upon it — and I repeat it again; but
not because the lights and shades are too sharp — or the tints
confounded — or that there is neither beauty or keeping,
etc. . . . for that's not truth — but it is an uncertain light
in this respect, that in all the five hundred Hotels, which
they number up to you in Paris — and the five hundred good
things, at a modest computation (for 'tis only allowing one
good thing to a Hotel), which by candle-light are best to
be seen, felt, heard, and understood (which, by the bye, is
a quotation from Lilly) — the devil a one of us out of
fifty, can get our heads fairly thrust in amongst them.
This is no part of the French computation: 'tis simply
this,
That by the last survey taken in the year one thousand
seven hundred and sixteen, since which time there have
been considerable augmentations, Paris doth contain nine
hundred streets; (viz.)
In the quarter called the City — there are fifty-three streets.
In St. James of the Shambles, fiftv-five streets.
452 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
111 St. Oportunc, thirty-four streets.
In the quarter of the Louvre, twenty-five streets.
In the Palace Royal, or St. Honorius, forty-nine streets.
In Mont. Martyr, forty-one streets.
In St. Eustace, twenty-nine streets.
In the Halles, twenty-seven streets.
In St. Denis, fifty-five streets.
In St. Martin, fifty-four streets.
In St. Paul, or the Mortellerie, twenty-seven streets.
The Greve, thirty-eight streets.
In St. Avoy, or the Verrerie, nineteen streets.
In the Marais, or the Temple, fifty-two streets.
In St. Antony's, sixty-eight streets.
In the Place Maubert, eighty-one streets.
In St. Bennet, sixty streets.
In St. Andrews de Arcs, fifty-one streets.
In the quarter of the Luxembourg, sixty-two streets.
And in that of St. Germain, fifty-five streets, into any one
of which you may walk; and that when you have seen them
with all that belongs to them, fairly by daylight — their
gates, their bridges, their squares, their statues and have
crusaded it moreover, through all their parish-churches, by
no means omitting St. Roche and Sulpice and to crown
all, have taken a walk to the four palaces, which you may
see, either with or without the statues and pictures, just as
you choose —
— Then you will have seen —
— but,. 'tis what no one needeth to tell you, for you will
read of it yourself upon the portico of the Louvre, in these
words, 'earth no such folks! — no folks e'er such a
TOWN AS PARIS is! SING, DERRY, DERRV, DOWN.
Tlie French have a gay way of treating every thing that
is Great; and th.it is all can be said upon it.
1 Non orbis gentem, non urbem gens habet ullam
uUa f>arem.
cHAi'. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 453
Chapti-r ig
In mentioning the word gav (as in the close of the last chap-
ter) it puts one {i.e. an author) in mind of the word spleen
— especially if he has any thing to say upon it: not that by
any analysis — or that from any table of interest or geneal-
ogy, there appears much more ground of alliance betwixt
them, than betwixt light and darkness, or any two of the
most unfriendly opposites in nature — only 'tis an under-
craft of authors to keep up a good understanding amongst
words, as politicians do amongst men — not knowing how
near they may be under a necessity of placing them to each
other — which point being now gained, and that I may place
mine exactly to my mind, I write it down here —
Spleen.
This, upon leaving Chantilly, I declared to be the best
principle in the world to travel speedily upon; but I gave
it only as matter of opinion. I still continue in the same
sentiments — only I had not then experience enough of its
working to add this, that though you do get on at a tearing
rate, yet you get on but uneasily to yourself at the same
time; for which reason I here quit it entirely, and for ever,
and 'tis heartily at any one's service — it has spoiled me the
digestion of a good supper, and brought on a bilious diar-
rhoea, which has brought me back again to my first principle
on which I set out — and with which I shall now scamper
it away to the banks of Garonne —
— No; — I cannot stop a moment to give you the char-
acter of the people — their genius — their manners — their
customs — their laws — their religion — their government —
their manufactures — their commerce — their finances, with
all the resources and hidden springs which sustain them :
qualified as I may be, by spending three days and two
454 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
nights amongst them, and during all that time making these
things the entire subject of my enquiries and reflections —
Still — still I must away — the roads are paved — the posts
are short — the days are long — 'tis no more than noon— I
shall be at Fontaineblcau before the king —
— Was he going there? not that I know —
Chapter 20
Now I hate to hear a person, especially if he be a traveller,
complain that we do not get on so fast in France as we do
in England; whereas we get on much faster, consideratis
co7isiderandis ; thereby always meaning, that if you weigh
their vehicles with the mountains of baggage which you lay
both before and behind upon them — and then consider their
puny horses, with the very little they give them — 'tis a won-
der they get on at all: their suffering is most unchristian,
and 'tis evident thereupon to me, that a French post-horse
would not know what in the world to do, was it not for the
two words ****** and ****** in which there is as much
sustenance, as if you gave him a peck of corn: now as these
words cost nothing, I long from my soul to tell the reader
what they are; but here is the question — they must be told
him plainly, and with the most distinct articulation, or it
will answer no end — and yet to do it in that plain way —
though their reverences may laugh at it in the bed-chamber
— full well I wot, they will abuse it in the parlour: for
which cause, I have been volving and revolving in my fancy
some time, but to no purpose, by what clean device or facete
contrivance I might so modulate them, that whilst I satisfy
that ear which the reader chooses to lend me — I might not
dissatisfy the other which he keeps to himself.
— My ink burns my finger to try — and when I have —
'twill have a worse consequence — it will burn (I fear) my
paper.
— No; — I dare not-~
CHAP. 21 TRISTRAM SHANDY 455
But if you wish to know how the abbess of Amloiiillets
and a novice of her convent got over the difficulty (only
first wishing myself all imaginable success) — I'll tell you
without the least scruple.
Chapter 21
The abbess of Andoiiillets, which, if you look into the
large set of provincial maps now publishing at Paris, you
will find situated amongst the hills which divide Burgundy
from Savoy, being in danger of an Anchylosis or stiff joint
(the sinovia of her knee becoming hard by long matins),
and having tried every remedy — first, prayers and thanks-
giving; then invocations to all the saints in heaven promis-
cuously — then particularly to every saint who had ever had
a stiff leg before her — then touching it with all the reliques
of the convent, principally with the thigh-bone of the man
of Lystra, who had been impotent from his youth — then
wrapping it up in her veil when she went to bed — then cross-
wise her rosary — then bringing in to her aid the secular
arm, and anointing it with oils and hot fat of animals —
then treating it with emollient and resolving fomentations
— then with poultices of marsh-mallows, mallows, bonus
Henricus, white lilies and fenugreek — then taking the
woods, I mean the smoke of 'em, holding her scapulary
across her lap — then decoctions of wild chicory, water-
cresses, chervil, sweet cecily and cochlearia — and nothing
all this while answering, was prevailed on at last to try
the hot baths of Bourbon — so having first obtained leave
of the visitor-general to take care of her existence — she
ordered all to be got ready for her journey: a novice of the
convent of about seventeen, who had been troubled with a
whitloe in her middle finger, by sticking it constantly into
the abbess's cast poultices, etc. — had gained such an interest,
that overlooking a sciatical old nun, who might have been
set up for ever by the hot-baths of Bourbon, Margarita, the
456 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vu
little novice, was elected as the companion of the journey.
An old calesh, belonging to the abbesse, lined with green
frieze, was ordered to be drawn out into the sun — the gar-
dener of the convent being chosen muleteer, led out the two
old mules, to clip the hair from the rump-ends of their tails,
whilst a couple of lay-sisters were busied, the one in darning
the lining, and the other in sewing on the shreds of yellow
binding, which the teeth of time had unravelled — the under-
ffardener dressed the muleteer's hat in hot wine-lees — and a
tailor sat musically at it, in a shed over-against the convent,
in assorting four dozen of bells for the harness, whistling
to each bell, as he tied it on with a thong. —
— The carpenter and the smith of Andoiiillets held a
council of wheels; and by seven, the morning after, all
looked spruce, and was ready at the gate of the convent for
the hot-baths of Bourbon — two rows of the unfortunate
stood ready there an hour before.
The abbess of Andoiiillets, supported by Margarita the
novice, advanced slowly to the calesh, both clad in white,
with their black rosaries hanging at their breasts —
— There was a simple solemnity in the contrast: they en-
tered the calesh; and nuns in the same uniform, sweet em-
blem of innocence, each occupied a window, and as the
abbess and Margarita looked up — each (the sciatical poor
nun excepted) each streamed out the end of her veil in the
air — then kissed the lily hand which let it go: the good
abbess and Margarita laid their hands saint-wise upon their
breasts — looked up to heaven — then to them — and looked
"God bless you, dear sisters."
I declare I am interested in this story, and wish I had
been there.
The gardener, whom I shall now call the muleteer, was
a little, hearty, broad-set, good-natured, chattering, toping
kind of fellow, who troubled his head very little with the
CHAP. 21 TRISTRAM SHANDY 457
hows and whcns of life; so had mortgaged a month of his
conventical wages in a borrachio, or leathern cask of wine,
which he had disposed behind the calesh, with a large russet-
coloured riding-coat over it, to guard it from the sun; and
as the weather was hot, and he not a niggard of his labours,
walking ten times more than he rode — he found more occa-
sions than those of nature, to fall back to the rear of his
carriage; till by frequent coming and going, it had so hap-
pened, that all his wine had leaked out at the legal vent of
the borrachio, before one half of the journey was finished,
Man is a creature born to habitudes. The day had been
sultry — the evening was delicious — the wine was generous
— the Burgundian hill on which it grew was steep — a little
tempting bush over the door of a cool cottage at the foot of
it, hung vibrating in full harmony with the passions — a
gentle air rustled distinctly through the leaves — "Come —
come, thirsty muleteer — come in."
— The muleteer was a son of Adam; I need not say a
word more. He gave the mules, each of 'em, a sound lash,
and looking in. the abbess's and Margarita's face (as he did
it) — as much as to say "here I am" — he gave a second good
crack — as much as to say to his mules, "get on" — so slink-
ing behind, he entered the little inn at the foot of the hill.
The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, joyous, chirp-
ing fellow, who thought not of to-morrow, nor of what had
gone before, or what was to follow it, provided he got but
his scantling of Burgundy, and a little chit-chat along with
it; so entering mto a long conversation, as how he was chief
gardener to the convent of Andoiiillets, etc, etc., and out
of friendship for the abbess and Mademoiselle Margarita,
who was only in her noviciate, he had come along with them
from the confines of Savoy, etc, etc, — and as how she had
got a white swelling by her devotions — and what a nation of
herbs he had procured to mollify her humours, etc, etc, and
458 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
that if the waters of Bourbon did not mend that leg — she
might as well be lame of both — etc. etc. etc. — He so con-
trived his story, as absolutely to forget the heroine of it —
and with her the little novice, and what was a more ticklish
point to be forgot than both — the two mules; who being
creatures that take advantage of the world, inasmuch as
their parents took it of them — and they not being in a condi-
tion to return the obligation downwards (as men and women
and beasts are) — they do it side-ways, and long-ways, and
back-ways — and up hill, and down hill, and which way they
can. — Philosophers, with all their ethics, have never con-
sidered this rightly — how should the poor muleteer, then
in his cups, consider it at all? he did not in the least — 'tis
time we do; let us leave him then in the vortex of his ele-
ment, the happiest and most thoughtless of mortal men —
and for a moment let us look after the mules, the abbess,
and Margarita.
By virtue of the muleteer's two last strokes the mules had
gone quietly on, following their own consciences up the
hill, till they had conquered about one half of it; when the
elder of them, a shrewd crafty old devil, at the turn of an
angle, giving a side glance, and no muleteer behind them —
By my fig! said she, swearing, I'll go no further — And
if I do, replied the other, they shall make a drum of my
hide. —
And so with one consent they stopped thus- —
Chaffer 22
— Get on with you, said the abbess.
— Wh ysh — ysh — cried Margarita.
Sh a — shu - u — shu - - u — sh - - aw — shawed the
abbess.
— Wh u — V — w — whew — w — w — whu ved Margarita,
pursing up her sweet lips betwixt a hoot and a whistle.
Thump — thump — thump — obstreperated the abbess of
CHAP. 24 TRISTRAM SHANDY 459
Andoiiillets with the end of her gold-headed cane against
the bottom of the calesh —
The old mule let a f —
Chaffer 25
We are ruined and undone, my child, said the abbess to
Margarita, — wc shall be here all night — we shall be
plundered — we shall be ravished —
— We shall be ravished, said Margarita, as sure as a gun.
Sancta Maria! cried the abbess (forgetting the O!) —
why was I governed by this wicked stiff joint.'' why did I
leave the convent of Andoiiillets? and why didst thou not
suffer thy servant to go unpolluted to her tomb?
O my finger! my finger! cried the novice, catching fire
at the word servant — why was I not content to put it here,
or there, any where rather than be in this strait?
Strait! said the abbess.
Strait — said the novice; for terror had struck their un-
derstandings — the one knew not what she said — the other
what she answered.
O my virginity! virginity! cried the abbess.
— inity! — inity! said the novice, sobbing.
Chapter 24
My dear mother, quoth the novice, coming a little to her-
self, — there are two certain words, which I have been told
will force any horse, or ass, or mule, to go up a hill whether
he will or no; be he never so obstinate or ill-willed, the
moment he hears them uttered, he obeys. They are words
magic! cried the abbess in the utmost horror — No; replied
Margarita calmly — but they are words sinful — What are
they? quoth the abbess, interrupting her: They are sinful in
the first degree, answered Margarita, — they are mortal —
and if we are ravished and die unabsolved of them, we
46o TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
shall both — but you may pronounce them to me, quoth the
abbess of Andouillets — They cannot, my dear mother, said
the novice, be pronounced at all; they will make all the
blood in one's body fly up into one's face — But you may
whisper them in my ear, quoth the abbess.
Heaven! hadst thou no guardian angel to delegate to the
inn at the bottom of the hill? was there no generous and
friendly spirit unemployed — no agent in nature, by some
monitory shivering, creeping along the artery which led to
his heart, to rouse the muleteer from his banquet? — no
sweet minstrelsy to bring back the fair idea of the abbess and
Margarita, with their black rosaries!
Rouse! rouse! — but 'tis too late — the horrid words are
pronounced this moment —
— and how to tell them — Ye, who can speak of every
thing existing, with unpolluted lips — instruct me — guide
me —
Chafter 2^
All sins whatever, quoth the abbess, turning casuist in the
distress they were under, are held by the confessor of our
convent to be either mortal or venial: there is no further
division. Now a venial sin being the slightest and least of
all sins — being halved — by taking either only the half of it,
and leaving the rest — or, by taking it all, and amicably halv-
ing it betwixt yourself and another person — in course be-
comes diluted into no sin at all.
Now I see no sin in saying, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, a
hundred times together; nor is there any turpitude in pro-
nouncing the syllable ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, were it from
our matins to our vespers: Therefore, my dear daughter,
continued the abbess of Andouillets — I will say bou, and
thou shalt say ger; and then alternately, as there is no more
sin in fou than in — bou — Thou shalt say fou — and I will
come in (like fa, sol, la, re, mi, ut, at our complines) with
CHAP. 26 TRISTRAM SHANDY 461
ter. And accordingly the abbess, giving the pitch note,
set off thus:
Abbess, \ Bou - - bou - - bou - -
Margarita, \ ger, - - ger, - - ger.
Margarita, { Fou - - fou - - fou - -
Abbess, \ ter, - - ter, - - ter.
The two mules acknowledged the notes by a mutual lash
of their tails; but it went no further — 'Twill answer by an'
by, said the novice.
Abbess, | Bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- bou-
Margarita, \ — ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, ger.
Quicker still, cried Margarita.
Fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou.
Quicker still, cried Margarita.
Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou.
Quicker still — God preserve me; said the abbess — They
do not understand us, cried Margarita — But the Devil does,
said the abbess of Andoiiillets.
Chapter 26
What a tract of country have I run! — how many degrees
nearer to the warm sun am I advanced, and how many fair
and goodly cities have I seen, during the time you have been
reading, and reflecting. Madam, upon this story! There's
Fontainebleau, and Sens, and Joigny, and Auxerre, and
Dijon the capital of Burgundy, and Chalons, and Macon
the capital of the Maconese, and a score more upon the road
to Lyons — and now I have run them over — I might as well
talk to you of so many market towns in the moon, as tell
you one word about them: it will be this chapter at the
least, if not both this and the next entirely lost, do what
I will—
— VVhy, 'tis a strange story! Tristram.
— Alas, Madam,
had it been upon some melancholy lecture of the cross — the
462 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
peace of meekness, or the contentment of resignation — I had
not been incommoded: or had I thought of writing it upon
the purer abstractions of the soul, and that food of wisdom
and holiness and contemplation, upon which the spirit of
man (when separated from the body) is to subsist for ever
— You would have come with a better appetite from it —
— I wish I never had wrote it: but as I never blot any
thing out — let us use some honest means to get it out of
our heads directly.
— Pray reach me my fool's cap — I fear you sit upon it,
Madam — 'tis under the cushion — I'll put it on —
Bless me! you have had it upon your head this half hour.
— There then let it stay, with a
Fa-ra diddle di
and a fa-ri diddle d
and a high-dum — dye-dum
fiddle dumb - c.
And now, Madam, we may venture, I hope, a little to go on.
Chaffer 2y
— All you need say of Fontainebleau (in case you are
asked) is, that it stands about forty miles (south something)
from Paris, in the middle of a large forest — That there is
something great in it — That the king goes there once every
two or three years, with his whole court, for the pleasure of
the chase — and that, during that carnival of sporting, any
English gentleman of fashion (you need not forget your-
self) may be accommodated with a nag or two, to partake
of the sport, taking care only not to out-gallop the king —
Though there are two reasons why you need not talk
loud of this to every one.
First, Because 'twill make the said nags the harder to be
got; and
Secondly, 'Tis not a word of it true. — Allans!
CHAP. 27 TRISTRAM SHANDY 463
As for Sens — you may dispatch — in a word — " 'Tis an
archiepiscopal see."
— For foigny — the less, I think, one says of it the better.
But for Auxerre — I could go on for ever: for in my
grand tour through Europe, in which, after all, my father
(not caring to trust me with any one) attended me himself,
with my uncle Toby, and Trim, and Obadiah, and indeed
most of the family, except my mother, who being taken
up with a project of knitting my father a pair of large
worsted breeches — (the thing is common sense) — and she
not caring to be put out of her way, she stayed at home, at
Shandy Hall, to keep things right during the expedition; in
which, I say, my father stopping us two days at Auxerre,
and his researches being ever of such a nature, that they
would have found fruit even in a desert — he has left me
enough to say upon Auxerre: in short, wherever my father
went — but 'twas more remarkably so, in this journey
through France and Italy, than in any other stages of his
life — his road seemed to lie so much on one side of that,
wherein all other travellers have gone before him — he saw
kings and courts and silks of all colours, in such strange
lights — and his remarks and reasonings upon the characters,
the manners, and customs of the countries we passed over,
were so opposite to those of all other mortal men, particu-
larly those of my uncle Toby and Trim — (to say nothing
of myself) — and to crown all — the occurrences and scrapes
which we were perpetually meeting and getting into, in
consequence of his systems and opiniatry — they were of so
odd, so mixed and tragi-comical a contexture — That the
whole put together, it appears of so different a shade and
tint from any tour of Europe, which was ever executed —
that I will venture to pronounce — the fault must be mine
and mine only — if it be not read by all travellers and travel-
readers, till travelling is no more, — or which comes to the
464 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
same point — till the world, finally, takes it into its head to
stand still. —
— But this rich bale is not to be opened now; except a
small thread or two of it, merely to unravel the mystery of
my father's stay at Auxerre.
— -As I have mentioned it — 'tis too slight to be kept sus-
pended; and when 'tis wove in, there is an end of it.
We'll go, brother Toby, said my father, whilst dinner
is coddling — to the abbey of Saint Germain, if it be only to
see these bodies, of which Monsieur Sequier has given such
a recommendation. — I'll go see any body, quoth my uncle
Toby; for he was all compliance through every step of the
journey — Defend me! said my father — they are all mum-
mies — Then one need not shave; quoth my uncle Toby —
Shave! no — cried my father — 'twill be more like relations
to go with our beards on — So out we sallied, the corporal
lending his master his arm, and bringing up the rear, to the
abbey of Saint Germain.
Every thing is very fine, and very rich, and very superb,
and very magnificent, said my father, addressing himself to
the sacristan, who was a younger brother of the order of
Benedictines — but our curiosity has led us to see the bodies,
of which Monsieur Sequier has given the world so exact a
description. — The sacristan made a bow, and lighting a
torch first, which he had always in the vestry ready for the
purpose; he led us into the tomb of St. Heribald — This, said
the sacristan, laying his hand upon the tomb, was a renowned
prince of the house of Bavaria, who under the successive
reigns of Charlemagne, Louis le Debonnair, and Charles
the Bald, bore a great sway in the government, and had a
principal hand in bringing every thing into order and
discipline —
Then he has been as great, said my uncle, in the field, as
in the cabinet — I dare say he has been a gallant soldier
— He was a monk — said the sacristan.
CHAP. 27 TRISTRAM SHANDY 465
Mv uncle Toby and Trim sought comfort in each other's
faces — but found it not: mv father clapped both his hands
upon his cod-piece, which was a way he had when any thing
hugely tickled him: for though he hated a monk and the
very smell of a monk worse than all the devils in hell — yat
the shot hitting my uncle Toby and Trim so much harder
than him, 'twas a relative triumph; and put him into the
gayest humour in the world.
— And pray what do you call this gentleman: quoth my
father, rather sportingly: This tomb, said the young Bene-
dictine, looking downwards, contains the bones of Saint
Maxima, who came from Ravenna on purpose to touch
the body —
— Of Saint Maximus, said my father, popping in with
his saint before him, — they were two of the greatest saints
in the whole martyrology, added my father — Excuse me,
said the sacristan — 'twas to touch the bones of Saint Ger-
main, the builder of the abbey — And what did she get by
it? said mv uncle Toby — What does any woman get by it?
said my father — Martyrdom; replied the young Benedictine,
making a bow down to the ground, and uttering the word
with so humble, but decisive a cadence, it disarmed my
father for a moment. 'Tis supposed, continued the Benedic-
tine, that St. Maxima has lain in this tomb four hundred
years, and two hundred before her canonization — 'Tis but
a slow rise, brother Toby, quoth my father, in this self-
same army of martyrs. — A desperate slow one, an' please
your honour, said Trim, unless one could purchase — I should
rather sell out entirely, quoth my uncle Toby — I am pretty
much of your opinion, brother Toby, said my father.
— Poor St. Maxima! said my uncle Toby low to himself,
as we turned from her tomb: She was one of the fairest
and most beautiful ladies either of Italy or France, con-
tinued the sacristan — But who the deuce has got Iain down
here, besides her? quoth my father, pointing with his cane
466 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
to a large tomb as we walked on — It is Saint Optat, Sir,
answered the sacristan — And properly is Saint Optat placed !
said my father: And what is Saint Optat's story? continued
he. St. Optat, replied the sacristan, was a bishop —
• — I thought so, by heaven ! cried my father, interrupting
him — Saint Optat! — how should Saint Optat fail? so
snatching out his pocket-book, and the young Benedictine
holding him the torch as he wrote, he set it down as a new
prop to his system of Christian names, and I will be bold
to say, so disinterested was he in the search of truth, that
had he found a treasure in Saint Optat's tomb, it would
not have made him half so rich: 'Twas as successful a
short visit as ever was paid to the dead-, and so highly was
his fancy pleased with all that had passed in it, — that he
determined at once to stay another day in Auxerre.
— I'll see the rest of these good gentry to-morrow, said
my father, as we crossed over the square — And while you
are paying that visit, brother Shandy, quoth my uncle Toby
— the corporal and I will mount the ramparts. *
Chafter 28
— Now this is the most puzzled skein of all — for in this
last chapter, as far at least as it has helped me through
Auxerre, I have been getting forwards in two different
journeys together, and with the same dash of the pen — for
I have got entirely out of Auxerre in this journey which I
am writing now, and I am got half way out of Auxerre in
that which I shall write hereafter — There is but a certain
degree of perfection in every thing; and by pushing at some-
thing beyond that, I have brought myself into such a situa-
tion, as no traveller ever stood before me; for I am this
moment walking across the market-place of Auxerre with
my father and my uncle Toby, in our way back to dinner —
and I am this moment also entering Lyons with my post-
chaise broke into a thousand pieces — and I am moreover this
CHAP. 29 TRISTRAM SHANDY 467
inomciit in a handsome pavilion built by Pringello,' upon
the banks of the Garonne, which Mons. Sligniac has lent
me, and where 1 now sit rhapsodizing all these affairs.
— Let me collect myself, and pursue my journey.
Chapter 2g
I AM glad of it, said I, settling the account with myself, as
I walked into Lyons — my chaise being all laid higgledy-
piggledy with my baggage in a cart, which was moving
slowly before me — I am heartily glad, said I, that 'tis all
broke to pieces; for now I can go directly by water to
Avignon, which will carry me on a hundred and twenty
miles of my journev, and not cost me seven livres — and from
thence, continued I, bringing forwards the account, I can
hire a couple of mules — or asses, if I like, (for nobody
knows me) and cross the plains of Languedoc for almost
nothing — I shall gain four hundred livres by the misfortune
clear into my purse: and pleasure! worth — worth double
the money by it. With what velocity, continued I, clapping
my two hands together, shall I fly down the rapid Rhone,
with the Vivares on my right hand, and Dauphiny on my
left, scarce seeing the ancient cities of Vienne, Valence, and
Vivieres. What a flame will it rekindle in the lamp, to
snatch a blushing grape from the Hermitage and Cote roti,
as I shoot by the foot of them! and what a fresh spring in
the blood ! to behold upon the banks advancing and retiring,
the castles of romance, whence courteous knights have
whilome rescued the distressed — and see vertiginous, the
rocks, the mountains, the cataracts, and all the hurry which
Nature is in with all her great works about her.
As I went on thus, methought my chaise, the wreck of
which looked stately enough at the first, insensibly grew less
1 The same Don Pringello, the celebrated Spanish architect, of
whom my cousin Antony has made such honourable mention in a
scholium to the Tale inscribed to his name. — Vid. |.<. 129, small edit.
468 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
and less in its size; the freshness of the painting was no
more — the gilding lost its lustre — and the whole affair ap-
peared so poor in my eyes — so sorry!— so contemptible! and,
in a word, so much worse than the abbess of Andouillets'
itself — that I was just opening my mouth to give it to the
devil — when a pert vamping chaise-undertaker, stepping
nimbly across the street, demanded if Monsieur would have
his chaise refitted — No, no, said I, shaking my head side-
ways — Would Monsieur choose to sell itr rejoined the un-
dertaker — With all my soul, said I — the iron work is worth
forty livres — and the glasses worth forty more — and the
leather you may take to live on.
What a mine of wealth, quoth I, as he counted me the
money, has this pt)st-chaise brought me in? And this is my
usual method of book-keeping, at least with the disasters of
life — making a penny of every one of 'em as they happen
to me —
— Do, my dear Jenny, tell the world for me, how I be-
haved under one, the most oppressive of its kind, which
could befall me as a man, proud as he ought to be of his
manhood —
'Tis enough, saidst thou, coming close up to me, as I
stood with my garters in my hand, reflecting upon what had
not passed — 'Tis enough, Tristram, and I am satisfied, saidst
thou, whispering these words in my ear, **** ** ****
*** ****** . — **** ** ** — jjpy other man would have
sunk down to the centre —
— Every thing is good for something, quoth I.
— I'll go into Wales for six weeks, and drink goat's
whey — and I'll gain seven years longer life for the acci-
dent. For which reason I think myself inexcusable, for
blaming fortune so often as I have done, for pelting me
all my life long, like an ungracious duchess, as I called her,
with so many small evils: surely, if I have any cause to be
angry with her, 'tis that she has not sent me great ones — a
CHAP. 30 TRISTRAM SHANDY 469
score of good cursed, bouncing losses, would have been as
good as a pension to me.
— One of a hundred a year, or so, is all I wish — I would
not be at the plague of paying land-tax for a larger.
Chaffer 50
To those who call Vexations, Vexations, as knowing what
thev are, there could not be a greater, than to be the best
part of a day at Lyons, the most opulent and flourishing
city in France, enriched with the most fragments of an-
tiquity — and not he able to see it. To be withheld upon
any account, must be a vexation ; but to be withheld by a
vexation — must certainly be, what philosophy justly calls
VEXATION
UPON
VEXATION.
I had got my two dishes of milk coffee (which b\ the
bye is excellently good for a consumption, but you must
boil the milk and coffee together — otherwise, 'tis only coffee
and milk) — and as it was no more than eight in the morn-
ing, and the boat did not go off till noon, I had time to see
enough of Ly<ins to tire the patience of all the friends I
had in the world with it. I will take a walk to the cathedral.
said I, looking at my list, and see the wonderful mechanism
of this great clock of Lippius of Basil, in the first place —
Now, of all things in the world, I understand the least
of mechanism — I have neither genius, or taste, or fanc\ —
and have a brain so entirely unapt for every thing of that
kind, that I solemnly declare I was never yet able to com-
prehend the principles of motion of a squirrel cage, or a
common knife-grinder's wheel — tho' I have many an hour
of my life looked up with great devotion at the one — and
stood by with .as much patience as any christian ever could
do, at the other —
470 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
I'll go see the surprising movements of this great clock,
said I, the very first thing I do: and then I will pay a visit
to the great library of the Jesuits, and procure, if possible,
a sight of the thirty volumes of the general history of China,
wrote (not in the Tartarean, but) in the Chinese language,
and in the Chinese character too.
Now I almost know as little of the Chinese language, as
I do of the mechanism of Lippius's clock-work; so, why
these should have jostled themselves into the two first ar-
ticles of my list — I leave to the curious as a problem of Na-
ture. I own it looks like one of her ladyship's obliqui-
ties; and they who court her, are interested in finding out
her humour as much as I.
When these curiosities are seen, quoth I, half addressing
myself to my valet de flace, who stood behind me — 'twill
be no hurt if we go to the church of St. Irenaeus, and see the
pillar to which Christ was tied — and after that, the house
where Pontius Pilate lived — 'Twas at the next town, said
the valet de place — at Vienne; I am glad of it, said I, rising
briskly from my chair, and walking across the room with
strides twice as long as my usual pace — "for so much the
sooner shall I be at the Tomb of the Two Lovers."
What was the cause of this movement, and why I took
such long strides in uttering this — I might leave to the
curious too; but as no principle of clock-work is concerned
in it — 'twill be as well for the reader if I explain it myself.
Chafter j/
O THERE is a sweet era in the life of man, when (the brain
being tender and fibrillous, and more like pap than any
thing else) — a story read of two fond lovers, separated
from each other by cruel parents, and by still more cruel
destiny —
Amandus — He
Amanda — She —
CHAP. 31 TRISTRAM SHANDY 471
each ignorant of the other's course.
He — east
She — west
Amandus taken captive hy the Turks, and carried to the
emf>eror of Morocco's court, where the princess of Morocco
falling in love with him, keeps him twentv years in prison
for the love of his Amanda. —
She — (Amanda) all the time wandering- har'efoot, and
with dishevelled hair, o'er rocks and mountains, enquiring
for Amandus! — .Amandus! Amandus! — niakinir evcrv hill
and valley to echo back his name —
Amandus! Amandus!
at every town and city, sitting down forlorn at the gate —
Has Amandus! — has my Amandus entered: — till, — going
round, and round, and round the world — chance unex-
pected bringing them at the same moment of the night,
though by different ways, to the gate of Lyons, their native
city, and each in well-known accents calling out aloud,
Is my Amandus 1 .,, ,. ,
T . J } Still alive?
Is my Amanda )
they fly into each other's arms, and both drop down dead
for joy.
There is a soft era in every gentle mortal's life, where
such a story affords more pabulum to the brain, than all the
Frusts, and Crusts, and Rusts of antiquity, which travellers
can cook up for it.
— 'Twas all that stuck on the right side of the cullender
in my own, of what Spon and others, in their accounts of
Lyons, had strained into it; and finding, moreover, in some
Itinerary, but in what God knows — That sacred to the
fidelity of Amandus and Amanda, a tomb was built without
the gates, where, to this hour, lovers called upon them to
attest their truths — I never could get into a scrape of that
472 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
kind in my life, but this tomb of the lovers would, some-
how or other, come in at the close — nay such a kind of
empire had it established over mc, that I could seldom think
or speak of Lyons — and sometimes not so much as see ever
a Lyons-waistcoat, but this remnant of antiquity would
present itself to my fancy; and I have often said in my
wild wav of runnin? on — tho' I fear with some irreverence
— "I thought this shrine (neglected as it was) as valuable
as that of Mecca, and so little short, except in wealth, of the
Santa Casa itself, that some time or other, I would go a
pilgrimage (though I had no other business at Lyons) — on
purpose to pay it a visit."
In my list, therefore, of Videnda at Lyons, this, tho'
last, — was not, you see, least; so taking a dozen or two of
longer strides than usual across my room, just whilst it
passed my brain, I walked down calmly into the Basse Cour,
in order to sally forth; and having called for my bill — as
it was uncertain whether I should return to my inn, I had
paid it — had moreover given the maid ten sous, and was just
receiving the dernier compliments of Monsieur Le Blanc,
for a pleasant voyage down the Rhone — when I was stopped
at the gate.
Chaffer 52
— 'TwAS by a poor ass, who had just turned in with a
couple of large panniers upon his back, to collect eleemosy-
nary turnip-tops and cabbage-leaves; and stood dubious with
his two fore-feet on the inside of the threshold, and with his
two hinder feet towards the street, as not knowing very
well whether he was to go in or no.
Now, 'tis an animal (be in what hurry I may) I cannot
bear to strike — there is a patient endurance of sufferings,
wnite so unaffectedly in his looks and carriage, which pleads
so mightily for him, that it always disarms me; and to that
degree, that I do not like to speak unkindly to him: on the
CHAP. 32 TRISTRAM SHANDY 473
contrary, meet him where I will — whether in town or coun-
try — in cart or under panniers — whether in liberty or bond-
age — I have ever something civil to say to him on my part;
and as one word begets another (if he has as little to do as
I) — I generally fall into conversation with him; and surely
never is my imagination so busy as in framing his responses
from the etchings of his countenance — and where those
carry me not deep enough — in flying from my own heart
into his, and seeing what is natural for an ass to think — as
well as a man, upon the occasion. In truth, it is the only
creature of all the classes of beings below me, with whom I
can do this: for parrots, jackdaws, etc. — I never exchange
a W(^rd with them — nor with the apes, etc., for pretty near
the same reason ; they act by rote, as the others speak by it,
and equally make me silent: nay my dog and my cat, though
I value them both — (and for my dog he would speak if he
could) — yet somehow or other, they neither of them possess
the talents for conversation — I can make nothing of a dis-
course with them, beyond the proposition, the reply, and
rejoinder, which terminated my father's and my mother's
conversations, in his beds of justice — and those uttered —
there's an end of the dialogue —
— But with an ass, I can commune for ever.
Come, Honesty! said I, — seeing it was impracticable to
pass betwixt him and the gate — art thou for coming in, or
going out?
The ass twisted his head round to look up the street —
Well — replied I — we'll wait a minute for thy driver:
— He turned his head thoughtful about, and looked
wistfully the opposite way —
I understand thee perfectly, answered I — If thou takest
a wrong step in this affair, he will cudgel thee to death —
Well! a minute is but a minute, and if it saves a fellow-
creature a drubbing, it shall not be set down as ill spent.
474 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vu
He was eating the stem of an artichoke as this discourse
went on, and in the little peevish contentions of nature be-
twixt hunger and unsavouriness, had dropt it out of his
mouth half a dozen times, and picked it up again — God
help thee. Jack! said I, thou hast a bitter breakfast on't —
and many a bitter day's labour, — and many a bitter blow,
I fear, for its wages — 'tis all — all bitterness to thee, what-
ever life is to others. — And now thy mouth, if one knew
the truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say, as soot — (for he had
cast aside the stem) and thou hast not a friend perhaps in
all this world, that will give thee a macaroon. — In saying
this, I pulled out a paper of 'em, which I had just purchased,
and gave him one — and at this moment that I am telling it,
my heart smites me, that there was more of pleasantry in
the conceit, of seeing how an ass would eat a macaroon —
than of benevolence in giving him one, which presided in the
act.
When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I pressed him to
come in — the poor beast was heavy loaded — his legs seemed
to tremble under him — he hung rather backwards, and as I
pulled at his halter, it broke short in my hand — he looked
up pensive in my face — "Don't thrash me with it — but if you
will, you may" — If I do, said I, I'll be d — d.
The word was but one-half of it pronounced, like the
abbess of Andoiiillets' — (so there was no sin in it) — when
a person coming in, let fall a thundering bastinado upon the
poor devil's cropper, which put an end to the ceremony.
Out upon it!
cried I — but the interjection was equivocal — and, I think,
wrong placed too — for the end of an osier which had started
out from the contexture of the ass's pannier, had caught
hold of my breeches pocket, as he rushed by me, and rent
it in the most disastrous direction you can imagine — so that
the
CHAP. 34 TRISTRAM SHANDY 475
Out upon it! in my opinion, should have come in here — •
but this I leave to be settled by
THE
REVIEWERS
OF
MY BREECHES,
which I have brought over along with me for that purpose.
Chapter S3 '
When all was set to rights, I came down stairs again into
the biissr cour with my v/i/ct de place y in order to sally out
towards the tomb of the two lovers, etc. — and was a second
time stopped at the gate — not by the ass — but by the person
who struck him ; and who, by that time, had taken possession
(as is not uncommon after a defeat) of the very spot of
ground where the ass stood.
It was a commissary sent to me from the post-office, with
a rescript in his hand for the payment of some six livres
odd sous.
Upon what account? said I. — 'Tis upon the part of the
king, replied the commissary, heaving up both his shoulders —
— My good friend, quoth I — as sure as I am I — and )()U
are you —
— And who are you? said he. — Don't puzzle me; said I.
Chapter ^4
— But it is an indubitable verity, continued I, addressing
myself to the commissary, changing only the form of my
asseveration — that I owe the king of France nothing but
my good-will; for he is a very honest man, and I wish
him all health and pastime in the world —
' Miinumbered xxxiv. in original edition.
476 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
Pardonncz. moi — replied the commissary, you are in-
debted to him six livres four sous, for the next post from
hence to St. Fons, in your route to Avignon — which being
a post royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion —
otherwise 'twould have amounted to no more than three
livres two sous —
— But I don't go by land; said I.
— You may if you please; replied the commissary —
Your most obedient servant — said I, making him a low
bow —
The commissary, with all the sincerity of grave good
breeding — made me one, as low again. — I never was more
disconcerted with a bow in my life.
— The devil take the serious character of these people!
quoth I — (aside) they understand no more of irony than
this —
The comparison was standing close by with his panniers —
but something sealed up my lips — I could not pronounce the
name —
Sir, said I collecting myself — it is not my intention to
take post —
— But you may — said he, persisting in his first reply —
you may take post if you choose —
— And I may take salt to my pickled herring, said I,
if I choose —
— But I do not choose —
— But you must pay for it, whether you do or no.
Aye! for the salt; said I (I know) —
— And for the post too; added he. Defend me! cried
I—
I travel by water — I am going down the Rhone this very
afternoon — my baggage is in the boat — and I have actually
paid nine livres for my passage —
C^est tout egnl — 'tis all one; said he.
CHAP. 35 TRISTRAM SHANDY 477
Bon Dicu! what, pay for the way I go! and for the way
I do not go!
— C'est tout egal ; replied the commissary —
— The devil it is! said I — but I will go to ten thousand
Bastiles first —
England! England! thou land of liberty, and climate
of good sense, thou tenderest of mothers — and gentlest of
nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning
my apostrophe.
When the director of Madam Le Blanc's conscience com-
ing in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, with a
face as pale as ashes, at his devotions — looking still paler
by the contrast and distress of his draper} — asked, if I stood
in want of the aids of the church —
1 go by Water — said I — and here's another will be for
making me pay for going by Oil.
Chapter 55
As I perceived the commissary of the post-office would have
his six livres four sous, I had nothing else for it, but to say
some smart thing upon the occasion, worthy the money:
And so I set off thus: —
— And pray, Mr. Commissary, by what law of courtesy
is a defenceless stranger to be used just the reverse from
what you use a Frenchman in this matter?
By no means; said he.
Excuse me; said I — for you have begun. Sir, with first
tearing off m\' breeches — and now you want my pocket —
Whereas — had vou first taken my pocket, as you do with
your own people — and then left me bare a — d after — I had
been a beast to have complained —
As it is —
— *Tis contrary to the law of natiire.
— 'Tis C(mtrary to reason.
— 'Tis contrar) to the Gospel.
478 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
But not to this — said he — putting a printed paper into
my hand,
Par Le Roy.
— 'Tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth I — and so read
on
— By all which it appears, quoth I, having read it over,
a little too rapidly, that if a man sets out in a post-chaise
from Paris — he must go on travelling in one, all the days
of his life — or pay for it. — Excuse me, said the commissary,
the spirit of the ordinance is this — That if you set out with
an intention of running post from Paris to Avignon, etc.,
you shall not change that intention or mode of travelling,
without first satisfying the fermiers for two posts further
than the place you repent at — and 'tis founded, continued
lie, upon this, that the revenues are not to fall short through
your fickleness —
— O by heavens! cried I — if fickleness is taxable in
France — we have nothing to do but to make the best peace
with you we can —
And so the peace was made;
— And if it is a bad one — as Tristram Shandy laid the
corner-stone of it — nobody but Tristram Shandy ought to
be hanged.
Chapter ^6
Though I was sensible I had said as many clever things
to the commissary as came to six livres four sous, yet I was
determined to note down the imposition amongst my remarks
before I retired from the place; so putting my hand into my
' oat-pocket for my remarks — (which, by the bye, may be a
CHAP. 37 TRISTRAM SHANDY 479
caution to travellers to take a little more care of their remarks
for the future) "my remarks were stolen" — Never did
sorry traveller make such a pother and racket about his re-
marks as I did about mine, upon the occasion.
Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling in every thing
to my aid but what I should — My remarks are stolen! —
what shall I dor — Mr. Commissary! pray did I drop any
remarks, as I stood beside you-f* —
"^'ou dropped a good many very singular ones; replied
he — Pugh ! said I, those were but a few, not worth above
six livres two sous — but these are a large parcel — He shook
his head — Monsieur Le Blanc! Monsieur Le Blanc! did you
see any papers of mine? — you maid of the house! run up
stairs — Francois! run up after her —
— I must have my remarks — they were the best remarks,
cried I, that ever were made — the wisest — the wittiest —
What shall I do? — which way shall I turn mself ?
Sancho Panqa, when he lost his ass's furniture, did not
exclaim more bitterly.
Chapter 57
When the first transport was over, and the registers of the
brain were beginning to get a little out of the confusion
into which this jumble of cross accidents had cast them — it
then presently occurred to me, that I had left my remarks
in the pocket of the chaise — and that in selling my chaise,
I had sold my remarks along with it, to the chaise-
vamper. I leave this void space that
the reader may swear into it any oath that he is most accus-
tomed to — For my own part, if ever I swore a whole oath
into a vacancy in my life, I think it was into that —
*********, said I — and so my remarks through France,
which were as full of wit, as an egg is full of meat, and as
well worth four hundred guineas, as the said egg is worth a
penny — have I been selling here to a chaise-vamper — for
48o TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
four Lois d'Ors — and giving him a post-chaise (by heaven)
worth six into the bargain ; had it been to Dodsley, or Becket,
or any creditable bookseller, who was either leaving off
business, and wanted a post-chaise — or who was beginning
it — and wanted my remarks, and two or three guineas along
with them — I could have borne it — but to a chaise-vamper!
— shew me to him this moment, Francois, — said I — The
valet de flace put on his hat, and led the way — and I pulled
off mine, as I passed the commissary, and followed him.
Chaffer ^8
When we arrived at the chaise-vamper's house, both the
house and the shop were shut up; it was the eighth of Sep-
tember, the nativity of the blessed Virgin Mary, mother of
God—
— Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi — the whole world was gone out
a May-poling — frisking here — capering there — nobody
cared a button for me or my remarks ; so I sat me down upon
a bench by the door, philosophating upon my condition : by a
better fate than usually attends me, I had not waited half an
hour, when the mistress came in to take the papilliotes from
off her hair, before she went to the May-poles —
The French women, by the bye, love May-poles, a la
folic — that is, as much as their matins — give 'em but a May-
pole, whether in May, June, July, or September — they never
count the times — down it goes — 'tis meat, drink, washing,
and lodging to 'em — and had we but the policy, an' please
your worships (as wood is a little scarce in France), to send
them but plenty of May-poles —
The women would set them up; and when they had done,
they would dance round them (and the men for com.pany)
till they were all blind.
The wife of the chaise-vamper stepped in, I told you, to
take the papilliotes from off her hair — the toilet stands still
CHAP. ^9 TRISTRAM SHANDY 481
for no man — so she jerked off her cap, to begin with tlioni
as she opened the door, in doing which, one of them fell
upon the ground — I instantly saw it was my own writing —
Seigneur! cried I — you have got all my remarks upon
your head, Madam! — J^en suis bien mortifiee^ said she — 'tis
well, thinks I, they have stuck there — for could they have
gone deeper, they would have made such confusion in a
French woman's noddle — She had better have gone with it
unfrizled, to the day of eternit}-.
"Tene^ — said she — so without any idea of the nature of
my suffering, she took them from her curls, and put them
gravely one bv one into my hat — one was twisted this way —
another twisted that — ey! by my faith; and when they are
published, quoth I, —
They will be worse twisted still.
Chapter 59
And now for Lippius's clock! said I, with the air of a man,
who had got thro' all his difficulties — nothing can prevent
us seeing that, and the Chinese histor)-, etc., except the time,
said Franqois — for 'tis almost eleven — Then we must speed
the faster, said I, striding it away to the cathedral.
1 cannot say, in my heart, that it gave me any concern
in being told by one of the minor canons, as I was entering
the west door, — That Lippius's great clock was all out of
joints, and had not gone for some years — It will give me the
more time, thought I, to peruse the Chinese histor)-; and
besides I shall be able to give the world a better account of
the clock in its decay, than I could have done in its flourish-
ing condition —
— And so away I posted to the college of the Jesuits.
Now it is with the project of getting a peep at the history
of China in Chinese characters — as with many others I could
mention, which strike the fancy only at a distance; for as I
482 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vn
came nearer and nearer to the point — my blood cooled —
the freak gradually went off, till at length I would not have
given a cherrystone to have it gratified — The truth was, my
time was short, and my heart was at the Tomb of the Lovers
■— I wish to God, said I, as I got the rapper in my hand, that
the key of the library may be but lost; it fell out as well —
For all the Jesuits had got the cholic — and to that degree-,
as never was known in the memory of the oldest practitioner.
Chapter ^o
As I knew the geography of the Tomb of the Lovers, as
well as if I had lived twenty years in Lyons, namely, that
it was upon the turning* of my right hand, just without the
gate, leading to the Fauxbourg de Vaise — I dispatched
Frangois to the boat, that I might pay the homage I so long
owed it, without a witness of my weakness — I walked with
all imaginable joy towards the place — when I saw the gate
which intercepted the tomb, my heart glowed within me —
— Tender and faithful spirits! cried I, addressing myself
to Amandus and Amanda — long — long have I tarried to
drop this tear upon your tomb — I come — I come —
When I came — there was no tomb to drop it upon.
What would I have given for my uncle Toby, to have
whistled LiUo bullero!
Chapter ^i
No matter how, or in what mood — but I flew from the tomb
of the lovers — or rather I did not fly from it — (for there
was no such thing existing) and just got time enough to the
boat to save my passage; — and ere I had sailed a hundred
yards, the Rhone and the Saone met together, and carried
me down merrily betwixt them.
But I have described this voyage down the Rhone, before
I made it —
CHAP. 41 TRISTRAM SHANDY 483
— So now I am at Avignon, and as there is nothing to sec
but the old house, in which the Duke of Ormond resided,
and nothing to stop me but a short remark upon the place, in
three minutes you will see me crossing the bridge upon a
mule, with Franqois upon a horse with my portmanteau
behind him, and the owner of both, striding the way before
us, with a long gun upon his shoulder, and a sword under his
arm, lest peradventure we should run away with his cattle.
Had you seen my breeches in entering Avignon, — Though
you'd have seen them better, I think, as I mounted — you
would not have thought the precaution amiss, or found in
Vour heart to have taken it in dudgeon; for my own part, I
took it most kindly; and determined to make him a present
of them, when we got to the end of our journey, for the
trouble they had put him to, of arming himself at all points
against them.
Before I go further, let me get rid of my remark upon
Avignon, which is this: That I think it wrong, merely because
.1 man's hat has been blown off his head by chance the first
night he comes to Avignon, — that he should therefore say,
"Avignon is more subject to high winds than any town in all
France": for which reason I laid no stress upon the accident
till I had enquired of the master of the inn about it, who tell-
ing mc seriously it was so — and hearing, moreover, the windi-
ness of Avignon spoke of in the country about as a proverb
— I set it down, merely to ask the learned what can be the
cause — the consequence I saw — for they are all Dukes, Mar-
quisses, and Counts, there — the deuce a Baron, in all Avignon
— so that there is scarce any talking to them on a windy day.
Prithee, friend, said I, take hold of my mule for a mo-
ment — for I wanted to pull off one of my jack-boots, which
hurt my heel — the man was standing quite idle at the door
of the inn, and as I had taken it into my head, he was some-
wa\' concerned about the house or stable, I put the bridle
484 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vii
into his hand — so began with the boot: — when I had finished
the affair, I turned about to take the mule from the man, and
thank him —
— But Monsieur le Marquis had walked in —
Chapter 42
I HAD now the whole south of France, from the banks of the
Rhone to those of the Garonne, to traverse upon my mule at
my own leisure — at my own leisure — for I had left Death,
the Lord knows — and He only — how far behind mc — "I
have followed many a man thro' France, quoth he — but
never at this mettlesome rate." — Still he followed, — and
still I fled him — but I fled him cheerfully — still he pursued
— but, like one who pursued his prey without hope — as he
lagged, every step he lost softened his looks — Why should I
fly him at this rate?
So notwithstanding all the commissary of the post-office
had said, I changed the mode of my travelling once more;
and, after so precipitate and rattling a course as I had run,
I flattered my fancy with thinking of my mule, and that I
should traverse the rich plains of Languedoc upon his back,
as slowly as foot could fall.
There is nothing more pleasing to a traveller — or more
terrible to travel-writers, than a large rich plain; especially
if it is without great rivers or bridges; and presents nothing
to the eye, but one unvaried picture of plenty: for after they
have once told you, that 'tis delicious! or delightful ! (as the
case happens) — that the soil was grateful, and that
nature pours out all her abundance, etc. . . . they have
then a large plain upon their hands, which they know not
what to do with — and which is of little or no use to them
but to carry them to some town ; and that town, perhaps of
little more, but a new place to start from to the next plain — â–
and 90 on.
CHAP. 43 TRISTRAM SHANDY 485
— This is most terrible work; judge if I don't manage my
plains better.
Chapter ^j
I HAD not gone above two leagues and a half, before the man
with his gun began to look at his priming.
I had three several times loitered terribly behind; half a
mile at least every time; once, in deep conference with a
drum-maker, who was making drums for the fairs of Bau-
caira and Tarascone — I did not understand the principles —
The second time, I cannot so properly say, I stopped —
for meeting a couple of Franciscans straitened more for time
than myself, and not being able to get to the bottom of what
I was about — I had turned back with them —
The third, was an affair of trade with a gossip, for a hand-
basket of Provence figs for four sous; this would have been
transacted at once; but for a case of conscience at the close of
it; for when the figs were paid for, it turned out, that there
were two dozen of eggs covered over with vine-leaves at the
bottom of the basket — as I had no intention of buying eggs —
I made no sort of claim of them — as for the space they had
occupied — what signified it? T had figs enow for my
money —
— But it was mv intention to iiave the basket — it was the
gossip's intention to keep it, without which, she could do
nothing with her eggs — and unless I had the basket, I could
do as little with my figs, which were too ripe already, and
most of 'em burst at the side: this brought on a short conten-
tion, which terminated in sundry proposals, what we should
both do —
— How we disposed of our eggs and figs, I defy you, or
the Devil himself, had he not been there (which I am per-
suaded he was), to form the least probable conjecture: You
will read the whole of it — not this year, for I am hasten-
ing to the story of my uncle Toby's amours — but you will
486 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vn
read it in the collection of those which have arose out of the
journey across this plain — a.d which, therefore, I call my
Plain Stories.
How far my pen has been fatigued, like those of other
travellers, in this journey of it, over so barren a track — the
world must judge — but the traces of it, which are now all set
o' vibrating together this moment, tell me 'tis the most fruit-
ful and busy period of my life; for as I had made no con-
vention with my man with the gun, as to time — by stopping
and talking to every soul I met, who was not in a full trot
— joining all parties before me — waiting for every soul be-
hind — hailing all those who were coming through cross-
roads — arresting all kinds of beggars, pilgrims, fiddlers,
friars — not passing by a woman in a mulberry-tree without
commending her legs, and tempting her into conversation
with a pinch of snuff — In short, by seizing every handle, of
what size or shape soever, which chance held out to me in this
journey — I turned my plain into a city — I was always in
company, and with great variety too; and as my mule loved
society as much as myself, and had some proposals always
on his part to offer to every beast he met — I am confident we
could have passed through Pall-Mall, or St. James's-Street
for a month together, with fewer adventures — and seen less
of human nature.
O! there is that sprightly frankness, which at once unpins
every plait of a Languedocian's dress — that whatever is be-
neath it, it looks so like the simplicity which poets sing of in
better days — I will delude my fancy, and believe it is so,
'Twas in the road betwixt Nismes and Lunel, where there
is the best Muscatto wine in all France, and which by the
bye belongs to the honest canons of Montpellier — and foul
befall the man who has drank it at their table, who grudges
them a drop of it.
— The sun was set — they had done their work; the
CHAP. 43 TRISTRAM SHANDY 487
nymphs had tied up their hair afresh — and the swains were
preparing for a carousal — my mule made a dead point —
'Tis the fife and tabourin, said I — I'm frightened to death,
quoth he — They are running at the ring of pleasure, said I,
giving him a prick — By saint Boogar, and all the saints at
the backside of the door of purgatory, said he — (making the
same resolution with the abbesse of Andoiiillcts) I'll not go
a step further — 'Tis very well, sir, said I — I never will
argue a point with one of your family, as long as I live; so
leaping off his back, and kicking off one boot into this ditch,
and t'other into that — I'll take a dance, said I — so stay
you here.
A sun-burnt daughter of Labour rose up from the group
to meet me, as I advanced towards them; her hair, whicii
was a dark chestnut approaching rather to a black, was tied
up in a knot, all but a single tress.
We want a cavalier, said she, holding out both her hands,
as if to offer them — And a cavalier ye shall have; said I,
taking hold of both of them.
Hadst thou, Nannette, been arrayed like a duchess! — But
that cursed slit in thy petticoat!
Nannette cared not for it.
We could not have done without you, said she, letting go
one hand, with self-taught politeness, leading me up with
the other.
A lame youth, whom Apollo had recompensed with a
pipe, and to which he had added a tabourin of his own
accord, ran sweetly over the prelude, as he sat upon the
bank — Tie me up this tress instantly, said Nannette, putting
a piece of string into m)' hand — It taught me to forget I was
a stranger — The whole knot fell down — We had been seven
years acquainted.
The youth struck the note upon the tabourin — his pipe
followed, and off we bounded — "the deuce take that slit!"
7'he sister of the \()uth, who had stolen her voice from
488 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vn
heaven, sung alternately with her brother — 'twas a Gas-
coigne roundelay.
VIVA LA joia!
FIDON LA TRISrESSA!
The nymphs joined in unison, and their swains an octave be-
low them —
I would have given a crown to have it sewed up —
Nannette would not have given a sou — Vive la joia! was
in her lips — Vive la joia! was in her eyes. A transient spark
of amity shot across the space betwixt us — She looked
amiable! — Why could I not live, and end my days thus?
Just Disposer of our joys and sorrows, cried I, why could
not a man sit down in the lap of content here — and dance,
and sing, and say his prayers, and go to heaven with this
nut-brown maid? Capriciously did she bend her head on
one side, and dance up insidious — Then 'tis time to dance off,
quoth I; so changing only partners and tunes, I danced it
away from Lunel to Montpellier — from thence to Pescnas,
Beziers — I danced it along through Narbonne, Carcasson,
and Castle Naudairy, till at last I danced myself into Per-
drillo's pavilion, where pulling out a paper of black lines,
that I might go on straight forwards, without digression or
parenthesis, in my uncle Toby's amours —
I began thus —
BOOK VIII
Chapter i
— But softly — for in these sportive plains, and under this
genial sun, where at this instant all flesh is running out pip-
ing, fiddling, and dancing to the vintage, and every step
that's taken the judgment is surprised by the imagination, I
defy, notwithstanding all that has been said upon straight
lines ^ in sundry pages of my book — I defy the best cabbage
planter that ever existed, whether he plants backwards or
forwards, it makes little difference in the account (except
that he will have more to answer for in the one case than
in the other) — I defy him to go on coolly, critically, and
canonically, planting his cabbages one by one, in straight
lines, and stoical distances, especially if slits in petticoats are
unsewed ujd — without ever and anon straddling out, or sid-
ling into some bastardly digression — In Freeze-land, Fog-
land, and some other lands I wot of — it may be done —
But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration, where
every idea, sensible and insensible, gets vent — in this land,
my dear Eugenius — in this fertile land of chivalry and ro-
mance, where I now sit, unscrewing my ink-horn to write
my uncle Toby's amours, and with all the meanders of
Julia's track in quest of her Diego, in full view of my study
window — if thou comest not and takest me by the hand —
What a work it is likely to turn out!
Let us begin it.
Chapter 2
It is with love as with Cuckoldom —
But now I am talking of beginning a book, and have long
had a thing upon my mind to be imparted to the reader,
1 Vid. pp. 6i, 62, old edition.
+3?
490 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
which, if not imparted now, can never be imparted to him as
long as I live (whereas the comparison may be imparted to
him any hour in the day) — I'll just mention it, and begin in
good earnest.
The thing is this.
That of all the several ways of beginning a book which
are now in practice throughout the known world, I am con-
fident my own v/ay of doing it is the best — I'm sure it is the
most religious — for I begin with writing the first sentence —
and trusting to Almighty God for the second.
'Twould cure an author for ever of the fuss and folly of
opening his street-door, and calling in his neighbours and
friends, and kinsfolk, with the devil and all his imps, with
their hammers and engines, etc., only to observe how one
sentence of mine follows another, and how the plan follows
the whole.
I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair, with
what confidence, as I grasp the elbow of it, I look up —
catching the idea, even sometimes before it half way reaches
me —
I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought
which heaven intended for another man.
Pope and his Portrait ^ are fools to me — no martyr is ever
so full of faith or fire — I wish I could say of good works
too — but I have no
Zeal or Anger — or
Anger or Zeal —
And till gods and men agree together to call it by the same
name — the errantest Tartufire, in science — in politics — or in
religion, shall never kindle a spark within me, or have a
worse word, or a more unkind greeting, than what he will
read in the next chapter.
1 Vid. Pope's Portrait.
CHAP. 4 TRISTRAM SHANDY 491
Chapter J
— Bon jour! — good morrow! — so you have got your cloak
on betimes! — but 'tis a cold morning, and jou judge the
matter rightl) — 'tis better to be well mounted, than go o'
foot — and obstructions in the glands are dangerous — And
how goes it with thy concubine — thy wife, — and thy little
ones o' both sides? and when did you hear from the old gen-
tleman and lady — your sister, aunt, uncle, and cousins — I
hope they have got better of their colds, coughs, claps, tooth-
aches, fevers, stranguries, sciaticas, swellings, and sore eyes.
— What a devil of an apothecary! to take so much blood
— give such a vile purge — puke — poultice — plaister — night-
draught — clyster — blister? — And why so many grains of
calomel? santa Maria! and such a dose of opium! periclitat-
ing, pardi! the whole family of yc, from head to tail — B\
my great-aunt Dinah's old black velvet mask! I think there
was no occasion for it.
Now this being a little bald about the chin, by frequently
putting off and on, before she was got with child by the
coach-man — not one of our family would wear it after.
To cover the mask afresh, was more than the mask was
worth — and to wear a mask which was bald, or which could
be half seen through, was as bad as having no mask at all —
This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that in
all our numerous family, for these four generations, wc
count no more than one archbishop, a Welch judge, some
three or four aldermen, and a single mountebank —
In the sixteenth century, we boast of no less than a dozen
alchemists.
Chapter 4
''It is with Love as with Cuckoldom" — the suffering
party is at least the third, but generally the last in the house
who knows any thins about the matter: this comes, as all the
492 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
world knows, from having half a dozen words for one
thing; and so long, as what in this vessel of the human
frame, is Love — may be Hatred, in that — Sentiment half a
yard higher — and Nonsense — no, Madam, — not there — I
mean at the part I am now pointing to with my forefinger —
how can we help ourselves?
Of all mortal, and immortal men too, if you please, who
ever soliloquized upon this mystic subject, my uncle Toby
was the worst fitted, to have pushed his researches, thro' such
a contention of feelings; and he had infallibly let them all
run on, as we do worse matters, to see what they would turn
out — had not Bridget's pre-notification of them to Susannah,
and Susannah's repeated manifestoes thereupon to all the
world, made it necessary for my uncle Toby to look into
the affair.
Chapter 5
Why weavers, gardeners, and gladiators — or a man with a
pined leg (proceeding from some ailment in the foot) —
should ever have had some tender nymph breaking her heart
in secret for them, are points well and duly settled and ac-
counted for, by ancient and modern physiologists.
A water-drinker, provided he is a professed one, and does
it without fraud or covin, is precisely in the same predica-
ment: not that, at first sight, there is any consequence, or
shew of logic in it, "That a rill of cold water dribbling
through my inward parts, should light up a torch in mv
Jenny's—"
— The proposition does not strike one; on the contrary, it
seems to run opposite to the natural workmgs of causes and
effects —
But it shews the weakness and imbecility of human reason.
— "And in perfect good health with it?"
— The most perfect, — Madam, that friendship herself
could wish mc —
CHAP. 6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 493
"And drink nothing! — nothing hut water?"
— Impetuous fluid! the moment thou pressest against the
flood-gates of the brain — see how they give way! —
In swims Curiosity, beckoning to her damsels to follow —
they dive into the centre of the current —
Fancy sits musing upon the bank, and with her eyes fol-
lowing the stream, turns straws and bulrushes into masts and
bowspirts — And Desire, with vest held up to the knee in one
hand, snatches at them, as they swim by her with the other —
O ye water-drinkers! is it then by this delusive fountain,
that ye have so often governed and turned this world about
like a mill-wheel — grinding the faces of the impotent — be-
powdering their ribs — bepeppering their noses, and changing
sometimes even the very frame and face of nature —
If I was you, quoth Yorick, I would drink more water,
Eugenius — And, if I was you, Yorick, replied Eugenius, so
would I.
Which shews they had both read Longinus —
For my own part, I am resolved never to read any book
but mv own, as long as I live.
Chapter 6
I WISH my uncle Toby had been a water-drinker; for then
the thing had been accounted for, That the first moment
Widow Wadman saw him, she felt something stirring within
her in his favcnir — Something! — something.
— Something perhaps more than friendship — less than
love — something — no matter what — no matter where — I
would not give a single hair off my mule's tail, and be
obliged to pluck it off myself (indeed the villain has not
many to spare, and is not a little vicious into the bargain),
to be let by your worships into the secret-—
But the truth is, my uncle Toby was not a water-drinker;
he drank it neither pure nor mixed, or any how, or any
where, except fortuitously upon some advanced posts, where
494 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
better liquor was not to be had — or during the time he was
under cure; when the surgeon was telling him it would
extend the fibres, and bring them sooner into contact — my
uncle Toby drank it for quietness sake.
Now as all the world knows, that no effect in nature can
be produced without a cause, and as it is as well known, that
my uncle Toby was neither a weaver — a gardener, or a
gladiator — unless as a captain, you will needs have him one
- — but then he was only a captain of foot — and besides, the
whole is an equivocation — There is nothing left for us to
suppose, but that my uncle Toby's leg — but that will avail
us little in the present hypothesis, unless it had proceeded
from some ailment in the foot — whereas his leg was not
emaciated from any disorder in his foot — for my uncle
Toby's leg was not emaciated at all. It was a little stiff and
awkward, from a total disuse of it, for the three years he
lay confined at my father's house in town ; but it was plump
and muscular, and in all other respects as good and promis-
ing a leg as the other.
I declare, I do not recollect any one opinion or passage
of my life, where my understanding was more at a loss to
make ends meet, and torture the chapter I had been writing,
to the service of the chapter following it, than in the present
case: one would think I took a pleasure in running into diffi-
culties of this kind, merely to make fresh experiments of
getting out of 'em — Inconsiderate soul that thou art!
What! are not the unavoidable distresses with which, as an
author and a man, thou art hemmed in on every side of
thee — are they, Tristram, not sufficient, but thou must
entangle thyself still more?
Is it not enough thou art in debt, and that thou hast ten
cart-loads of thy fifth and sixth volumes still — still unsold,
and art almost at thy wit's ends, how to get them off thy
hands?
To this hour art thou not tormented with the vile asthma
CHAP. 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 495
that thou gattest in skating against the wind in Flanders?
and is it but two months ago, that in a fit of laughter, on see-
ing a cardinal make water like a quirister (with both hands)
thou brakcst a vessel in thy lungs, whereby, in two hours,
thou lost as many quarts of blood; and hadst thou lost as
much more, did not the faculty tell thee — it would have
amounted to a gallon? —
Chapter 7
— But for heaven's sake, let us not talk of quarts or gallons
— let us take the story straight before us; it is so nice and
intricate a one, it will scarce bear the transposition of a single
title; and, somehow or other, you have got me thrust almost
into the middle of it —
— I beg we may take more care.
Chapter 8
My uncle Toby and the corporal had posted down with so
much heat and precipitation, to take possession of the spot of
ground wc have so often spoke of, in order to open their
campaign as early as the rest of the allies; that they had for-
got one of the most necessary articles of the whole affair; it
was neither a pioneer's spade, a pickaxe, or a shovel —
— It was a bed to lie on: so that as Shand)-Hall was at
that time unfurnished; and the little inn where poor Le
Fever died, not yet built; my uncle Toby was constrained to
accept of a bed at Mrs. VVadman's, for a night or two, till
corporal Trim (who to the character of an excellent valet,
groom, cook, sempster, surgeon, and engineer, superadded
that of an excellent upholsterer too), with the help of a car-
penter and a couple of tailors, constructed one in my uncle
Toby's house.
A daughter of Eve, for such was widow Wadman, and
'tis all the character I intend to give of her —
— "That she was a perfect woman — " had better be fiftv
496 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
leagues off — or in her warm bed — or playing with a case-
knife — or any thing you please — than make a man the object
of her attention, when the house and all the furniture is her
own.
There is nothing in it out of doors and in broad daylight,
where a woman has a power, physically speaking, of viewing
a man in more lights than one — but here, for her soul, she
can see him in no light without mixing something of her own
goods and chattels along with him — till by reiterated acts of
such combination, he gets foisted into her inventory —
— And then good night.
But this is not matter of System; for I have delivered that
above — nor is it matter of Breviary — for I make no man's
creed but rhy own — nor matter of Fact — at least that I know
of; but 'tis matter copulative and introductory to what fol-
lows.
Chapter g
I DO not speak it with regard to the coarseness or cleanness
of them — or the strength of their gussets — but pray do not
night-shifts differ from day-shifts as much in this particular,
as in any thing else in the world ; That they so far exceed the
others in length, that when you are laid down in them, they
fall almost as much below the feet, as the day-shifts fall
short of them?
Widow Wadman's night-shifts (as was the mode I sup-
pose in King William's and Queen Anne's reigns) were cut
however after this fashion; and if the fashion is changed
(for in Italy they are come to nothing) — so much the worse
for the public; they were two Flemish ells and a half in
length; so that allowing a moderate woman two ells, she
had half an ell to spare, to do what she would with.
Now from one little indulgence gained after another, in
the many bleak and Dccemberly nights of a seven years'
widowhood, things had insensibly come to this pass, and for
CHAP. 9 TRISTRAM SHANDY 497
the two last years had got established into one of the ordi-
nances of the bed-chamher — That as soon as Mrs. VVadman
was put to bed — and had got her legs stretched down to the
bottom of it, of which she always gave Bridget nc^tice — '
Bridget, with all suitable decorum, having first opened the
bed-clothes at the feet, took hold of the half-ell of cloth we
are speaking of, and having gently, and with both her hands,
drawn it downwards to its furthest extension, and then con-
tracted it again side-long by four or five even plaits, she took
a large corking pin out of her sleeve, and with the point
directed towards her, pinned the plaits all fast together a
little above the hem; which done, she tucked all in tight at
the feet, and wished her mistress a good night.
This was constant, and without any other variation than
this; that on shivering and tempestuous nights, when Bridget
untucked the feet of the bed, etc., to do this — she consulted
no thermometer but that of her own passions; and so per-
formed it standing — kneeling — or squatting, according to the
diflperent degrees of faith, hope, and charity, she was in, and
bore towards her mistress that night. In every other re-
spect, the etiquette was sacred, and might have vied with the
most mechanical one of the most inflexible bed-chamber in
Christendom.
The first night, as soon as the corporal had conducted my
uncle Toby up stairs, which was about ten — Mrs. VVadman
threw herself into her arm-chair, and crossing her left knee
with her right, which formed a resting-place for her elbow,
she reclined her cheek upon the palm of her hand, and lean-
ing forwards, ruminated till midnight upon both sides of the
question.
The second night she went to her bureau, and having or-
dered Bridget to bring her up a couple of fresh candles and
leave them upon the table, she took out her marriage-settle-
ment, and read it over with great devotion: and the third
night (which was the last of my uncle Toby's stay) when
498 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
Bridget had pulled down the night-shift, and was assaying
to stick in the corking pin —
— With a kick of both heels at once, but at the same time
the most natural kick that could be kicked in her situatior> —
for supposing ********** ^^
be the sun in its meridian, it was a north-east kick — she kicked
the pin out of her fingers — the etiquette which hung upon it,
down — down it fell to the ground, and was shivered into a
thousand atoms.
From all which it was plain that widow Wadman was in
love with my uncle Toby.
Chafter i o
My uncle Toby's head at that time was full of other matters,
so that it was not till the demolition of Dunkirk, when all
the other civilities of Europe were settled, that he found
leisure to return this.
This made an armistice (that is, speaking with regard to
my uncle Toby — but with respect to Mrs. Wadman, a va-
cancy) — of almost eleven years. But in all cases of this
nature, as it is the second blow, happen at what distance of
time it will, which makes the fray — I choose for that reason
to call these the amours of my uncle Toby with Mrs. Wad-
man, rather than the amours of Mrs. Wadman with my
uncle Toby.
This is not a distinction without a difference.
It is not like the affair of an old hat cocked — and a cocked
old hat, about which your reverences have so often been at
odds with one another — but there is a difference here in the
nature of things —
And let me tell you, gentry, a wide one too.
Chafter 1 1
Now as widow Wadman did love my uncle Toby — and my
uncle Toby did not love widow Wadman, there was nothing
CUM'. II TRISTRAM SHANDY 499
for willow Wadman to do, but to go on and love my uncle
Tob) — or let it alone.
Widow Wadman would do neither the one or the other.
— Gracious heaven! — but I forget I am a little of her
temper myself; for whenever it so falls out, which it some-
times does about the equinoxes, that an earthly goddess is so
much this, and that, and t'other, that I cannot eat my break-
fast for her — and that she careth not three halfpence whether
I eat mv breakfast or no —
— Curse on her! and so I send her to Tartary, and from
Tartary to Terra del Fuego, and so on to the devil: in short,
there is not an infernal niche where I do not take her
divinityship and stick it.
But as the heart is tender, and the passions in these tides
ebb and flow ten times in a minute, I instantly bring her back
again; and as I do all things in extremes, I place her in the
very centre of the milky-way —
Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy influence upon some
one —
— The deuce take her and her influence too — for at that
word I lose all patience — much good may it do him! — By
all that is hirsute and ghastly! I cr)', taking off my furred
cap, and twisting it round my finger — I would not give six-
pence for a dozen such!
— But 'tis an excellent cap too (putting it upon my head,
and pressing it close to my ears) — and warm — and soft;
especially if you stroke it the right way — but alas! that will
never be my luck — (so here my philosophy is shipwrecked
again).
— No; I shall never have a finger in the pie (so here I
break mv metaphor) —
Crust and Crumb
Inside and out
Top and bottom — I detest it, I hate it, I repudiate it —
I'm sick at the si^ht of it —
500 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
'Tis all pepper,
garlick,
staragen,
salt, and
devil's dung — by the great arch-cook of cooks,
who does nothing, I think, from morning to night, but sit
down by the fire-side and invent inflammatory dishes for
us, I would not touch it for the world —
— O Tristram! Tristram! cried Jenny.
Jenny! Jenny! replied I, and so went on with the
twelfth chapter.
Chapter 12
— "Not touch it for the world," did I say —
Lord, how I have heated my imagination with this meta-
phor !
Chapter /j
Which shows, let your reverences and worships say what
you will of it (for as for thinking — all who do think — think
pretty much alike both upon it and other matters) — Love
is certainly, at least alphabetically speaking, one of the most
A gitating
B ewitching
C onfounded
D evilish aflrairs of life — the most
E xtravagant
F utilitous
G alligaskinish
H andy-dandyish
1 racundulous (there is no K to it) and
L yrical of all human passions: at the same time, the most
M isgiving
N innyhammering
CHAP. 14 TRISTRAM SHAiNDY 501
O bstipating
P ragmatical
S tridulous
R idiculous — though by the bye the R should have gone
first — But in short 'tis of such a nature, as my father once
told my uncle Toby upon the close of a long dissertation upon
the subject — "You can scarce," said he, "combine two ideas
together upon it, brother Toby, without an hypallage" —
What's that? cried my uncle Toby.
The cart before the horse, replied my father —
— And what is he to do there? cried my uncle Toby —
Nothing, quoth my father, but to get in — or let it alone.
Now widow Wadmnn, as I told you before, would do
neither the one or the other.
She stood however ready harnessed and caparisoned at all
points, to watch accidents.
Chapter i^
The Fates, who certainly all foreknew of these amours of
widow Wadman and my uncle Toby, had, from the first
creation of matter and motion (and with more courtesy than
they usually do things of this kind), established such a chain
of causes and effects hanging so fast to one another, that it
was scarce possible for my uncle Toby to have dwelt in any
other house in the world, or to have occupied any other gar-
den in Christendom, but the very house and garden which
joined and laid parallel to Mrs. Wadman's; this, with the
advantage of a thickset arbour in Mrs. Wadman's garden,
but planted in the hedge-row of mv uncle Tob)'s, put all
the occasions into her hands which Love-militancy wanted;
she could observe my uncle Toby's motions, and was mistress
likewise of his councils of war; and as his unsuspecting heart
had given leave to the corporal, through the mediation of
Bridget, to make her a wicker-gate of communication to en-
502 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
large her walks, it enabled her to carry on her approaches to
the very door of the sentry-box; and sometimes out of grati-
tude, to make an attack, and endeavour to blow^ my uncle
Toby up in the very sentry-box itself.
Chapter 15
It is a great pity — but 'tis certain from every day's observa-
tion of man, that he may be set on fire like a candle, at either
end — provided there is a sufficient wick standing out; if there
is not — there's an end of the affair; and if there is — by light-
ing it at the bottom, as the flame in that case has the misfor-
tune generally 'to put out itself — there's an end of the affair
again.
For my part, could I always have the ordering of it which
way I would be burnt myself — for I cannot bear the thoughts
of being burnt like a beast — I would oblige a housewife con-
stantly to light me at the top; for then I should burn down
decently to the socket; that is, from my head to my heart,
from my heart to my liver, from my liver to my bowels, and
GO on by the meseraic veins and arteries, through all the turns
and lateral insertions of the intestines and their tunicles to
the blind gut —
— I beseech you, doctor Slop, quoth my uncle Toby, inter-
rupting him as he mentioned the blind gut, in a discourse
with my father the night my mother was brought to bed
of me — I beseech you, quoth my uncle Toby, to tell mc
which is the blind gut; for, old as I am, I vow I do not
know to this day where it lies.
The blind gut, answered doctor Slop, lies betwixt the Ilion
and Colon —
In a man? said my father.
— 'Tis precisely the same, cried doctor Slop, in a
woman. —
That's more than I know ; quoth my father.
CHAP. i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY 503
Chaptrr 1 6
— And so to make sure of both systems, Mrs. Wadman
predetermined to light my uncle Toby neither at this end
or that; but, like a prodigal's candle, to light him, if possible,
at both ends at once.
Now, through all the lumber rooms of military furniture,
including both of horse and foot, from the great arsenal of
Venice to the Tower of London (exclusive), if Mrs. Wad-
man had been rummaging for seven years together, and with
Bridget to help her, she could not have found any one blind
or mantelet so fit for her purpose, as that which the expe-
diency of my uncle Toby's affairs had fixed up ready to her
hands.
I believe I have not told you — but I don't know — possibly
I have — be it as it will, 'tis one of the number of those many
things, which a man had better do over again, than dispute
about it — That whatever town or fortress the corporal was
at work upon, during the course of their campaign, my uncle
Toby always took care, on the inside of his sentry-box, which
was towards his left hand, to have a plan of the place,
fastened up with two or three pins at the top, but loose at the
bottom, for the conveniency of holding it up to the eve,
etc. ... as occasions required ; so that when an attack was
resolved upon, Mrs. Wadman had nothing more to do, when
she had got advanced to the door of the sentry-box, but to
extend her right hand; and edging in her left foot at the
same movement, to take hold of the map or plan, or upright,
or whatever it was, and with out-stretched neck meeting it
half way, — to advance it towards her; on which mv uncle
Toby's passions were sure to catch fire — for he would in-
stantly take hold of the other corner of the map in his left
hand, and with the end of his pipe in the other, begin an
explanation.
504 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viir
When the attack was advanced to this point; — the world
will naturally enter into the reasons of Mrs. Wadman's next
stroke of generalship — which was, to take my uncle Toby's
tobacco-pipe out of his hand as soon as she possibly could;
which, under one pretence or other, but generally that of
pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or breastwork in the
map, she would effect before my uncle Toby (poor soul!)
had well marched above half a dozen toises with it.
— It obliged my uncle Toby to make use of his forefinger.
The difference it made in the attack was this; That in
going upon it, as in the first case, with the end of her fore-
finger against the end of my uncle Toby's tobacco-pipe, she
might have travelled with it, along the lines, from Dan to
Beersheba, had my uncle Toby's lines reached so far, with-
out any effect: For as there was no arterial or vital heat in
the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could excite no sentiment — it
could neither give fire by pulsation — or receive it by sym-
pathy — 'twas nothing but smoke.
Whereas, in following my uncle Toby's forefinger with
hers, close thro' all the little turns and indentings of his
works — pressing sometimes against the side of it — then
treading upon its nail — then tripping it up — then touching
it here — then there, and so on — it set something at least in
motion.
This, tho' slight skirmishing, and at a distance from the
main body, yet drew on the rest; for here, the map usually
falling with the back of it, close to the side of the sentry-
box, my uncle Toby, in the simplicity of his soul, would lay
his hand flat upon it, in order to go on with his explanation;
and Mrs. Wadman, by a manoeuvre as quick as thought,
would as certainly place hers close beside it; this at once
opened a communication, large enough for any sentiment to
pass or repass, which a person skilled in the elementary and
practical part of love-making, has occasion for —
CHAP. 17 TRISTRAM SHANDY 505
By bringing up her forefinger parallel (as before) to my
uncle Toby's — it unavoidably brought the thumb into action
— and the forefinger and thumb being once engaged, as
naturally brought in the whole hand. Thine, dear uncle
Toby! was never now in its right place — Mrs. VVadman
had it ever to take up, or, with the gentlest pushings, pro-
trusions, and equivocal compressions, that a hand to be re-
moved is capable of receiving — to get it pressed a hair breadth
of one side out of her way.
Whilst this was doing, how could she forget to make him
sensible, that it was her leg (and no one's else) at the bottom
of the sentry-box, which slightly pressed against the calf of
his — So that my uncle Toby being thus attacked and sore
pushed on both his wings — was it a wonder, if now and then,
it put his centre into disorder? —
— The deuce take it! said my uncle Toby.
Chapter ij
These attacks of Mrs. VVadman, you will readily conceive
to be of different kinds; varying from each other, like the
attacks which history is full of, and from the same reasons.
A general looker-on would scarce allow them to be attacks
at all — or if he did, would confound them all together — but
I write not to them: it will be time enough to be a little more
exact in my descriptions of them, as I come up to them, which
will not be for some chapters; having nothing more to add
in this, but that in a bundle of original papers and drawings
which my father took care to roll up by themselves, there
is a plan of Bouchain in perfect preservation (and shall be
kept so, whilst I have power to preserve anv thing), upon the
lower corner of which, on the right hand side, there is still
remaining the marks of a snuffy finger and thumb, which
there is all the reason in the world to imagine, were Mrs.
VVadman 's; for the opposite side of the margin, which I
5o6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
suppose to have been my uncle Toby's, is absolutely clean:
This seems an authenticated record of one of these attacks;
for there are vestigia of the two punctures partly grown up,
but still visible on the opposite corner of the map, which are
unquestionably the very holes, through which it has been
pricked up in the sentry-box —
By all that is priestly! I value this precious relic, with its
stigmata and pricks, more than all the relics of the R.omish
church — always excepting, when I am writing upon these
matters, the pricks which entered the flesh of St. Radagunda
in the desert, which in your road from Fesse to Cluny, the
nuns of that name will shew you for love.
Chapter i8
I THINK, an' please your honour, quoth Trim, the fortifi-
cations arc quite destroyed — and the bason is upon a level
with the mole — I think so too; replied my uncle Toby with
a sigh half suppressed — but step into the parlour, Trim, for
the stipulation — it lies upon the table.
It has lain there these six weeks, replied the corporal, till
this very morning that the old woman kindled the fire with
it —
— Then, said my uncle Toby, there is no further occasion
for our services. The more, an' please your honour, the
pity, said the corporal ; in uttering which he cast his spade
into the wheel-barrow, which was beside him, with an air
the most expressive of disconsolation that can be imagined,
and was heavily turning about to look for his pickaxe, his
pioneer's shovel, his picquets, and other little military stores,
in order to carry them off the field — when a heigh-ho! from
the sentry-box, which being made of thin slit deal, rever-
berated tiie sound more sorrowfully to his ear, forbad him.
— No; said the corporal to himself, I'll do it before his
honour rises to-morrow morning; so taking his spade out of
the wheel-barrow again, with a little earth in it, as if to level
CHAP. 19 TRIS'JRAM SHANDY' 507
SDmcthing at the toot of tlic glacis — but with a real intent
to approach near to his master, in order to divert him — he
loosened a sod or two — pared their edges with his spade, and
having given them a gentle blow or two with the back of it,
he sat himself down close by my uncle Toby's feet, and
began as follows.
Chapter ig
It was a thousand pities — though I believe, an* please your
honour, I am going to say but a foolish kind of a thing for a
soldier —
A soldier, cried my uncle Toby, interrupting the corporal,
is no more exempt from saying a foolish thing. Trim, than
a man of letters — But not so often, an' please your honour,
replied the corporal — my uncle Toby gave a nod.
It was a thousand pities, then, said the corporal, castine
his eye upon Dunkirk, and the mole, as Servius Sulpicius, in
returning out of Asia (when he sailed from Aegina towards
Megara), did upon Corinth and Piraeus —
— "It was a thousand pities, an' please your honour, to
destroy these works — and a thousand pities to have let them
stood." —
— Thou art right. Trim, in both cases; said my uncle
Toby. — This, continued the corporal, is the reason, that
from the beginning of their demolition to the end — I have
never once whistled, or sung, or laughed, or cried, or talked
of past done deeds, or told your honour one story good or
bad—
— Thou hast many excellencies. Trim, said my uncle
Toby, and I hold it not the least of them, as thou happenest
to be a story-teller, that of the number thou hast told me,
either to amuse me in my painful hours, or divert me in
my grave ones — thou hast seldom told me a bad one —
— Because, an' please your honour, except one of a King
5o8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
of Bohemia and his seven castles, — they arc all true; for
they are about myself —
I do not like the subject the worse, Trim, said my uncle
Toby, on that score: But prithee what is this story? thou
hast excited my curiosity.
I'll tell it your honour, quoth the corporal, directly —
Provided, said my uncle Toby, looking earnestly towards
Dunkirk and the mole again — provided it is not a merry one;
to such. Trim, a man should ever bring one half of the enter-
tainment along with him; and the disposition I am in at
present would wrong both thee, Trim, and thy story — It is
not a merry one by any means, replied the corporal — Nor
would I have it altogether a grave one, added my uncle Toby
— It is neither the one nor the other, replied the corporal,
but will suit your honour exactly — Then I'll thank thee for
it with all my heart, cried my uncle Toby; so prithee begin
it. Trim.
The corporal made his reverence ; and though it is not so
easy a matter as the world imagines, to pull off a long Mon-
tero-cap with grace — or a whit less difficult, in my concep-
tions, when a man is sitting squat upon the ground, to make
a bow so teeming with respect as the corporal was wont; yet
by suffering the palm of his right hand, which was towards
his master, to slip backwards upon the grass, a little beyond
his body, in order to allow it the greater sweep — and by an
unforced compression, at the same time, of his cap with the
thumb and the two forefingers of his left, by which the
diameter of the cap became reduced, so that it might be
said rather to be insensibly squeezed — than pulled off with a
flatus — the corporal acquitted himself of both in a better
manner than the posture of his affairs promised; and having
hemmed twice, to find in what key his story would best go,
and best suit his master's humour, — he exchanged a single
look of kindness with him, and set off thus.
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 509
The Story of the King of Bohemia and his
Seven Castles.
There was a certain king of Bo - - he —
As the corporal was entering the confines of Bohemia, my
uncle Toby obliged him to halt for a single moment; he had
set out bare-headed, having, since he pulled off his Montero-
cap in the latter end of the last chapter, left it lying beside
him on the ground.
— The eye of Goodness espieth all things — so that before
the corporal had well got through the first five words of his
storv', had mv uncle Toby twice touched his Montero-cap
with the end of hi? cane, intcrrogativclv — as much as to say.
Why don't you put it on, Trim? Trim took it up with the
most respectful slowness, and casting a glance of humilia-
tion as he did it, upon the embroidery of the forepart, which
being dismally tarnished and fraved moreover in some of
the principal leaves and boldest parts of the pattern, he laid
it down again between his two feet, in order to moralize
upon the subject.
— 'Tis ever)' word of it but too true, cried my uncle
Toby, that thou art about to observe —
"Nothing in this world, Trim, is made to last for ever."
— But when tokens, dear Tom, of thy love and remem-
brance wear out, said Trim, what shall we sayr
There is no occasion. Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, to say
any thing else; and was a man to puzzle his brains till
Doom's day, I believe, Trim, it would be impossible.
The corporal, perceiving mv uncle Toby was in the right,
and that it would be in vain for the wit of man to think of
extracting a purer moral from his cap, without further
attempting it, he put it on; and passing his hand across his
forehead to rub out a pensive wi inkic, which the text and the
doctrine between them had engendered, he returned, with
510 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vm
the same look and tone of voice, to his story of the king of
Bohemia and his seven castles.
The Story of the King of Bohemia and his
Seven Castles, Continued.
There was a certain king of Bohemia, but in whose reign,
except his own, I am not able to inform your honour —
I do not desire it of thee, Trim, by any means, cried my
uncle Toby,
— It was a little before the time, an' please your honour,
when giants were beginning to leave off breeding: — but in
what year of our Lord that was —
I would not give a halfpenny to know, said my uncle
Toby.
— Only, an' please your honour, it makes a story look the
better in the face —
— 'Tis thy own. Trim, so ornament it after thy own
fashion ; and take any date, continued my uncle Toby, look-
ing pleasantly upon him — take any date in the whole world
thou chooscst, and put it to — thou art heartily welcome —
The corporal bowed; for of every century, and of every
year of that century, from the first creation of the world
down to Noah's flood; and from Noah's flood to the birth
of Abraham; through all the pilgrimages of the patriarchs,
to the departure of the Israelites out of Egypt — and through-
out all the Dynasties, Olympiads, Urbeconditas, and other
memorable epochs of the different nations of the world,
down to the coming of Christ, and from thence to the very
moment in which the corporal was telling his story — had
my uncle Toby subjected this vast empire of time and all
its abysses at his feet; but as Modesty scarce touches with a
finger what Liberality offers her with both hands open — the
corporal contented himself with the very worst year of the
whole bunch; which, to prevent your honours of the Ma-
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 511
jority and Minority from tearing the very flesh off your
bones in contestation, "Whether that year is not always
the last cast-year of the last cast-almanac" — I tell you
plainly it was; but from a different reason than you wot of —
— It was the year next him — which being the year of our
Lord seventeen hundred and twelve, when the Duke of
Ormond was playing the devil in Flanders — the corporal
took it, and set out with it afresh on his expedition to
Bohemia.
The Story of the King of Bohemia and his
Seven Castles, Continued.
In the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and
twelve, there was, an' please your honour —
— To tell thee truly. Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, any
other date would have pleased me much better, not only on
account of the sad stain upon our history that year, in march-
ing off our troops, and refusing to cover the siege of Quesnoi,
though Fagel was carrying on the works with such incredible
vigour — but likewise on the score. Trim, of thy own story;
because if there are — and which, from what thou hast
dropt, I partly suspect to be the fact — if there are giants
in it —
There is but one, an' please your honour —
'Tis as bad as twenty, replied mv uncle Toby — thou
should'st have carried him back some seven or eight hun-
dred years out of harm's way, both of critics and other
people: and therefore I would advise thee, if ever thou tellest
it again —
— If I live, an' please your honour, but once to get
through it, I will never tell it again, quoth Trim, either to
man, woman, or child — Poo — poo! said my uncle Toby —
but with accents of such sweet encouragement did he utter
it, that the corporal went on with his story with more
alacrity than ever.
512 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
The Story of the King of Bohemia and his
Seven Castles, Continued.
There was, an' please your honour, said the corporal, rais-
ing his voice and rubbing the palms of his two hands cheerily
together as he began, a certain king of Bohemia —
— Leave out the date entirely, Trim, quoth my uncle
Toby, leaning forwards, and laying his hand gently upon
the corporal's shoulder to temper the interruption — leave it
out entirely. Trim; a story passes very well without these
niceties, unless one is pretty sure of 'em — sure of 'em! said
the corporal, shaking his head —
Right; answered my uncle Toby, it is not easy, Trim, for
one, bred up as thou and I have been to arms, who seldom
looks further forward than to the end of his musket, or back-
wards beyond his knapsack, to know much about this matter
— God bless your honour! said the corporal, won by the
manner of my uncle Toby's reasoning, as much as by the
reasoning itself, he has something else to do; if not on
action, or a march, or upon duty in his garrison — he has his
firelock, an' please your honour, to furbish — his accoutre-
ments to take care of — his regimentals to mend — himself to
shave and keep clean, so as to appear always like what he is
upon the parade; what business, added the corporal tri-
umphantly, has a soldier, an' please your honour, to know
any thing at all of geography?
— Thou would'st have said chronology, Trim, said my
uncle Toby; for as for geography, 'tis of absolute use to
him; he must be acquainted intimately with every country
and its boundaries where his profession carries him; he
should know every town and city, and village and hamlet,
with the canals, the roads, and hollow ways which lead up
to them; there is not a river or a rivulet he passes, Trim, but
he should be able at first sight to tell thee what is its name —
in what mountains it takes its rise — what is its course — how
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 513
far it is navigable — where fordable — where not; he should
know the fertility of every valley, as well as the hind who
ploughs it; and be able to describe, or, if it is required, to
give thee an exact map of all the plains and defiles, the forts,
the acclivities, the woods and morasses, thro' and by which
his army is to march; he should know their produce, their
plants, their minerals, their waters, their animals, their
seasons, their climates, their heats and cold, their inhabitants,
their customs, their language, their policv, and even their
religion.
Is it else to be conceived, corporal, continued my uncle
Toby, rising up in his sentry-box, as he began to warm in
this part of his discourse — how Marlborough^ could have
marched his army from the banks of the Maes to Bclburg;
from Belburg to Kcrpenord — (here the corporal could sit
no longer) from Kerpenord, Trim, to Kalsaken; from Kal-
«aken to Newdorf ; from Newdorf to Landenbourg; from
Landenbourg to Mildenheim; from Mildcnheim to Elchin-
gen ; from Elchingen to Gingen ; from Gingen to Balmer-
choffen; from Balmerchoffen to Skellenburg, where he
broke in upon the enemy's works; forced his passage over
the Danube; crossed the Lech — pushed on his troops into
the heart of the empire, marching at the head of them
through Fribourg, Hokenwert, and Schonevelt, to the plains
of Blenheim and Hochstetr — Great as he was, corporal, he
could not have advanced a step, or made one single day's
march without the aids of Geography. — As for Chronology,
I own, Trim, continued my uncle Toby, sitting down again
coolly in his sentrj-box, that of all others, it seems a science
which the soldier might best spare, was it not for the lights
which that science must one day give him, in determining the
invention of powder; the furious execution of which, revers-
ing every thing like thunder before it, has become a new area
to us of military improvements, changing so totally the
514 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
nature of attacks and defences both by sea and land, and
awakening so much art and skill in doing it, that the world
cannot be too exact in ascertaining the precise time of its
discovery, or too inquisitive in knowing what great man
was the discoverer, and v/hat occasions gave birth to it.
I am far from controverting, continued my uncle Toby,
what historians agree in, that in the year of our Lord 1380,
under the reign of Wencelaus, son of Charles the Fourth —
a certain priest, whose name was Schwartz, shewed the use
of powder to the Venetians, in their wars against the
Genoese; but 'tis certain he was not the first; because if we
are to believe Don Pedro, the bishop of Leon — Hov/ came
priests and bishops, an' please your honour, to trouble their
heads so much about gun-powder? God knows, said my
uncle Toby — his providence brings good out of every thing
— and he avers, in his chronicle of King Alphonsus, who
reduced Toledo, That in the year 1343, which was full
thirty-seven years before that time, the secret of powder was
well known, and employed with success, both by Moors and
Christians, not only in their sea-combats, at that period, but
in many of their most memorable sieges in Spain and Bar-
bary — And all the world knows, that Friar Bacon had wrote
expressly about it, and had generously given the world a
receipt to make it by, above a hundred and fifty years before
even Schwartz was born — And that the Chinese, added my
uncle Toby, embarrass us, and all accounts of it, still more,
by boasting of the invention some hundreds of years even
before him —
— They are a pack of liars, I believe, cried Trim —
— They are somehow or other deceived, said my uncle
Toby, in this matter, as is plain to me from the present
miserable state of military architecture amongst them;
which consists of nothing more than a fosse with a brick
wall without flanks — and for what they gave us as a bastion
at each angle of it, 'tis so barbarously constructed, that it
CHAP. 19 TRISTRAM SHANDY 515
looks for all the world — Like one of my seven castles, an'
please your honour, quoth Trim.
My uncle Toby, tho' in the utmost distress for a compari-
son, most courteously refused Trim's offer — till Trim tell-
ing him, he had half a dozen more in Bohemia, which he
knew not how to get off his hands — my uncle Toby was so
touched with the pleasantry of heart of the corporal — that
he discontinued his dissertation upon gun-powder — and
begged the corporal forthwith to go on with his story of
the King of Bohemia and his seven castles
The Story of the King of Bohemia and his
Seven Castles, Continued.
This unfortunate King of Bohemia, said Trim, — Was he
unfortunate, then? cried my uncle Toby, for he had been so
wrapt up in his dissertation upon gun-powder, and other mili-
tary affairs, that tho' he had desired the corporal to go on,
yet the many interruptions he had given, dwelt not so strong
upon his fancy as to account for the epithet — Was he unfor-
tunate, then. Trim? said my uncle Toby, patheticall) — The
corporal, wishing first the word and all its synonimas at the
devil, forthwith began to run back in his mind, the principal
events in the King of Bohemia's story; from every one of
which, it appearing that he was the most fortunate man that
ever existed in the world — it put the corporal to a stand: for
not caring to retract his epithet — and less to explain it — and
least of all, to twist his tale (like men of lore) to serve a
system — he looked up in my uncle Toby's face for assistance
— but seeing it was the very thing my uncle Toby sat in ex-
pectation of himself — after a hum and a haw, he went on —
The king of Bohemia, an' please your honour, replied
the corporal, was unfortunate, as thus — That taking great
pleasure and delight in navigation and all sort of sea affairs
— and there happening throughout the whole kingdom of
Bohemia, to be no sea-port town whatever —
5i6 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
How the deuce should there — Trim? cried my uncle
Toby; from Bohemia being totally inland, it could have
happened no otherwise — It might, said Trim, if it had
pleased God —
My uncle Toby never spoke of the bemg and natural
attributes of God, but with diffidence and hesitation —
— I believe not, replied my uncle Toby, after some pause
— for being inland, as I said, and having Silesia and Mo-
ravia to the east; Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the north;
Franconia to the west; Bavaria to the south; Bohemia could
not have been propelled to the sea without ceasing to be
Bohemia — nor could the sea, on the other hand, have come
up to Bohemia, without overflowing a great part of Ger-
many, and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants
who could make no defence against it — Scandalous! cried
Trim — Which would bespeak, added my uncle Toby,
mildly, such a want of compassion in him who is the father
of it — that, I think, Trim — the thing could have happened
no way.
The corporal made the bow of unfeigned conviction; and
went on.
Now the King of Bohemia with his queen and courtiers
happening one fine summer's evening to walk out — Aye!
there the word happening is right. Trim, cried my uncle
Toby; for the King of Bohemia and his queen might have
walked out or let it alone: — 'twas a matter of contingency,
which might happen, or not, just as chance ordered it.
King William was of an opinion, an' please your honour,
quoth Trim, that every thing was predestined for us in this
world; insomuch, that he would often say to his soldiers,
that "every ball had its billet." He was a great man, said
my uncle Tob) — And I believe, continued Trim, to this
day, that the shot which disabled me at the battle of Landen,
was pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to take me
out of his service, and place me in your honour's, where I
CHAP. 19 TRIS'IRAM SHANDY 517
should be taken so much better care of in my old age — It
shall never, Trim, be construed otherwise, said my uncle
Tobv.
The heart, both of the master and the man, were alike
subject to sudden overflowings; — a short silence ensued.
Besides, said the corporal, resuming the discourse — but
in a gayer accent — if it had not been for that single shot, I
had never, an' please your honour, been in love —
So, thou wast once in love, Trim! said mv uncle Toby,
smiling.
Souse! replied the corporal — over head and ears! an'
please your honour. Prithee when? where? — and how
came it to pass? — I never heard one word of it before;
quoth my uncle Toby: — I dare say, answered Trim, that
everv drummer and Serjeant's son in the regiment knew of
it — It's high time I should — said my uncle Toby.
Your honour remembers with concern, said the corporal,
the total rout and confusion of our camp and army at the
affair of Landen; every one was left to shift for himself;
and if it had not been for the regiments of Wyndham, Lum-
ley, and Galway, which covered the retreat over the bridge
of Neerspeeken, the king himself could scarce have gained
it — he was pressed hard, as your honour knows, on every
side of him —
Gallant mortal! cried my uncle Toby, caught up with
enthusiasm — this moment, now that all is lost, I see him
galloping across me, corporal, to the left, to bring up the
remains of the English horse along with him to support the
right, and tear the laurel from Luxembourg's brows, if yet
'tis possible — I see him with the knot of his scarf just shot
off, infusing fresh spirits into poor Gal way's regiment —
riding along the line — then wheeling about, and charging
Conti at the head of it — Brave! brave, by heaven! cried my
uncle Toby — he deserves a crown — As richly, as a thief a
halter; shouted Trim.
5i8 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vm
My uncle Toby knew the corporal's loyalty; — otherwise
the comparison was not at all to his mind — it did not alto-
gether strike the corporal's fancy when he had made it — but
it could not be recalled — so he had nothing to do, but
proceed.
As the number of wounded was prodigious, and no one
had time to think of any thing but his own safety — Though
Talmash, said my uncle Toby, brought off the foot with
great prudence — But I was left upon the field, said the
corporal. Thou wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle
Toby — So that it was noon the next day, continued the cor-
poral, before I was exchanged, and put into a cart with
thirteen or fourteen more, in order to be conveyed to our
hospital.
There is no part of the body, an' please your honour,
where a wound occasions more intolerable anguish than upon
the knee —
Except the groin; said my uncle Toby. An' please your
honour, replied the corporal, the knee, in my opinion, must
certainly be the most acute, there being so many tendons
and what-d'ye-call-'ems all about it.
It is for that reason, quoth my uncle Toby, that the groin
is infinitely more sensible — there being not only as many
tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems (for I know their names
as little as thou dost) — about it — but moreover * * * —
Mrs Wadman, who had been all the time in her arbour —
instantly stopped her breath — unpinned her mob at the chin,
and stood up upon one leg —
The dispute was m.aintained with amicable and equal
force betwixt my uncle Toby and Trim for some time; till
Trim at length recollecting that he had often cried at his
master's sufferings, but never shed a tear at his own — was
for giving up the point, which my uncle Toby would not
allow — 'Tis a proof of nothing. Trim, said he, but the
generosity of thy temper —
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY 519
So that whether the pain of a wound in the groin,
{caeieris f art bus) is greater than the pain of a wound in the
knee — or
Whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater
than the pain of a wound in the groin — are points which to
this day remain unsettled.
Chapter 20
The anguish of my knee, continued the corporal, was exces-
sive in itself; and the uneasiness of the cart, with the rough-
ness of the roads, which were terribly cut up — making bad
still worse — every step was death to me: so that with the loss
of blood, and the want of care-taking of me, and a fever I
felt coming on besides — (Poor soul! said my uncle Toby)
— all together, an' please your honour, was more than I
could sustain.
I was telling my sufferings to a young woman at a peas-
ant's house, where our cart, which was the last of the line,
had halted; they had helped me in, and the young woman
had taken a cordial out of her pocket and dropped it upon
some sugar, and seeing it had cheered me, she had given it
me a second and a third time — So I was telling her, an'
please your honour, the anguish I was in, and was saying it
was so intolerable to me, that I had much rather lie down
upon the bed, turning my face towards one which was in
the corner of the room — and die, than go on — when, upon
her attempting to lead me to it, I fainted away in her arms.
She was a good soul! as your honour, said the corporal, wip-
ing his eyes, will hear.
I thought love had been a joyous thing, quoth my uncle
Toby.
'Tis the most serious thing, an' please your honour (some-
times), that is in the world.
By the persuasion of the young woman, continued the
520 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
corporal, the cart with the wounded men set off without me:
she had assured them I should expire immediately if I was
put into the cart. So when I came to myself — I found
myself in a still quiet cottage, with no one but the young
woman, and the peasant and his wife. I was laid across the
bed in the corner of the room, with my wounded leg upon
a chair, and the young woman beside me, holding the corner
of her handkerchief dipped in vinegar to my nose with one
hand, and rubbing my temples with the other.
I took her at first for the daughter of the peasant (for it
was no inn) — so had offered her a little purse with eighteen
florins, which my poor brother Tom (here Trim wiped his
eyes) had sent me as a token, by a recruit, just before he
set out for Lisbon. —
— I never told your honour that piteous story yet — here
Trim wiped his eyes a third time.
The young woman called the old man and his wife into
the room, to shew them the money, in order to gain me credit
for a bed and what little necessaries I should want, till I
should be in a condition to be got to the hospital — Come
then ! said she, tying up the little purse — I'll be your banker
— but as that office alone will not keep me employed, I'll
be your nurse too.
I thought by her manner of speaking this, as well as by
her dress, which I then began to consider more attentively
— that the young woman could not be the daughter of the
peasant.
She was in black down to her toes, with her hair con-
cealed under a cambric border, laid close to her forehead:
she was one of those kind of nuns, an' please your honour,
of which, your honour knows, there are a good many in
Flanders, which they let go loose — By thy description. Trim,
said my unelc Toby, I dare say she was a young Bcguine, of
which there are none to be found anywhere but in the
CHAP. 20 TRISTRAM SHANDY 521
Spanish Netherlands — except at Amsterdam — they differ
from nuns in this, that they can quit their cloister if they
choose to marry; they visit and take care of the siek by
profession — I had rather, for my own part, they did it out
of good-nature.
— She often told me, quoth Trim, she did it for the love
of Christ — I did not like it. — I believe, Trim, we are both
wrong, said my uncle Toby — we'll ask Mr, Yorick about
it to-night at my brother Shandy's — so put me in mind;
added my uncle Toby.
The young Beguine, continued the corporal, had scarce
given herself time to tell me "she would be my nurse,"
when she hastily turned about to begin the office of one, and
prepare something for me — and in a short time — though I
thought it a long one — she came back with flannels, etc. etc.,
and having fomented my knee soundly for a couple of
hours, etc., and made me a thin basin of gruel for my sup-
per — she wished me rest, and promised to be with me early
in the morning. — She wished me, an' please your honour,
what was not to be had. My fever ran very high that night
— her figure made sad disturbance within me — I was every
moment cutting the world in two to give her half of it —
and every moment was I crying, That I had nothing but a
knapsack and eighteen florins to share with her — The whole
night long was the fair Beguine, like an angel, close by mv
bedside, holding back my curtain and offering me cordials —
and I was only awakened from my dream by her coming
there at the hour promised, and giving them in reality. In
truth, she was scarce ever from me; and so accustomed was
I to receive life from her hands, that mv heart sickened,
and I lost colour when she left the room: and yet, continued
the corporal (making one of the strangest reflections upon it
in the world) —
— "It was not love" — for during the three weeks she was
almost constantly with me, fomenting my knee with her
522 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
hand, night and day — I can honestly say, an' please your
honour — that *******
****** once.
That was very odd. Trim, quoth my uncle Toby.
I think so too — said Mrs. Wadman.
It never did, said the corporal.
Chapter 21
— But 'tis no marvel, continued the corporal — seeing my
uncle Toby musing upon it — for Love, an' please your
honour, is exactly like war, in this; that a soldier, though
he has escaped three weeks complete o' Saturday night, —
may nevertheless be shot through his heart on Sunday morn-
ing — It happened so here, an' please your honour, with this
difference only — that it was on Sunday in the afternoon,
when I fell in love all at once with a sisserara — It burst
upon me, an' please your honour, like a bomb — scarce giving
me time to say, "God bless me."
I thought. Trim, said my uncle Toby, a man never fell
in love so very suddenly.
Yes, an' please your honour, if he is in the way of it —
replied Trim.
I prithee, quoth my uncle Toby, inform me how this
matter happened,
— With all pleasure, said the corporal, making a bow.
Chaffer 22
I HAD escaped, continued the corporal, all that time from
falling in love, and had gone on to the end of the chapter,
had it not been predestined otherwise — there is no resisting
our fate.
It was on a Sunday, in the afternoon, as I told your
honour.
The old man and his wife had walked out —
CHAP. 22 TRISTRAM SHANDY 523
Every thing was still and hush as midnight about the
house —
There was not so much as a duck or a duckling about the
yard —
— When the fair Beguine came in to see me.
My wound was then in a fair way of doing well — the
inflammation had been gone off for some time, but it was
succeeded with an itching both above and below my knee,
so insufferable, that I had not shut my eyes the whole night
for it.
Let me see it, said she, kneeling down upon the ground
parallel to my knee, and laying her hand upon the part
below it — it only wants rubbing a little, said the Beguine;
so covering it with the bed-clothes, she began with the fore-
finger of her right hand to rub under my knee, guiding her
fore-finger backwards and forwards by the edge of the
flannel which kept on the dressing.
In five or six minutes I felt slightly the end of her second
finger — and presently it was laid flat with the other, and
she continued rubbing in that way round and round for
a good while; it then came into my head, that I should fall
in love — I blushed when I saw how whita a hand she had
— I shall never, an' please your honour, behold another hand
so white whilst I live —
— Not in that place; said my uncle Toby —
Though it was the most serious despair in nature to the
corporal — he could not forbear smiling.
The young Beguine, continued the corporal, perceiving it
was of great service to me — from rubbing for some time,
with two fingers — proceeded to rub at length, with three
— till by little and little she brought down the fourth, and
then rubbed with her whole hand: I will never say another
word, an' please your honour, upon hands again — but it was
softer than satin —
— Prithee, Trim, commend it as much as thou wilt, said
524 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
jny uncle Toby ; I shall hear thy story with the more delight
— The corporal thanked his master most unfeignedly; but
having nothing to say upon the Beguine's hand but the
same over again — he proceeded to the effects of it.
The fair Beguine, said the corporal, continued rubbing
with her whole hand under my knee — till I feared her zeal
would weary her — "I would do a thousand times more," said
she, "for the love of Christ" — In saying which, she passed
her hand across the flannel, to the part above my knee, which
I had equally complained of, and rubbed it also.
I perceived, then, I was beginning to be in love —
As she continued rub-rub-rubbing — I felt it spread from
under her hand, an' please your honour, to every part of my
frame —
The more she rubbed, and the longer strokes she took —
the more the fire kindled in my veins — till at length, by
two or three strokes longer than the rest — my passion rose
to the highest pitch — I seized her hand^ —
— And then thou clapped'st it to thy lips, Trim, said my
uncle Toby — and madest a speech.
Whether the corporal's amour terminated precisely in the
way my uncle Toby described it, is not material; it is enough
that it contained in it the essence of all the love romances
which ever had been wrote since the beginning of the world.
Chafter 25
As soon as the corporal had finished the story of his amour
— or rather my uncle Toby for him — Mrs. Wadman silently
sallied forth from her arbour, replaced the pin in her mob,
passed the wicker-gate, and advanced slowly towards my
uncle Toby's sentry-box: the disposition which Trim had
made in my uncle Toby's mind, was too favourable a crisis
to be let slipped —
— The attack was determined upon: it was facilitated
still more by my uncle Toby's having ordered the corporal
CHAP. 24 IRl SI" RAM SHAM)^' 525
tt) wheel off the pioneer's shovel, the spade, the pi'ck-axc,
the picquets, and other military stores which lay scattered
upon the ground where Dunkirk stood — The corporal had
inarched — the field was clear.
Now, consider, sir, what nonsense it is, either in fighting,
or writing, or any thing else (whether in rhyme to it, or
not) which a man has occasion to do — to act by plan: for
if ever Plan, independent of all circumstances, deserved
registering in letters of gold (I mean in the archives of
Gotham) — it was certainly the Plan of Mrs. Wadman's
attack of my uncle Toby in his sentry-box, by Plan — Now
the plan hanging up in it at this juncture, being the Plan of
Dunkirk — and the tale of Dunkirk a tale of relaxation, it
opposed every impression she could make: and besides, could
she have gone upon it — the manoeuvre of fingers and hands
in the attack of the sentry-box, was so outdone by that of
the fair Beguine's, in Trim's story — that just then, that
particular attack, however successful before — became the
most heartless attack that could be made —
O! let the woman alone for this. Mrs. VVadman had
scarce opened the wicket-gate, when her genius sported
with the change of circumstances.
— She formed a new attack in a moment.
Chapter 2^
— I AM half distracted. Captain Shandy, said Mrs. Wad-
man, holding up her cambric handkerchief to her left eye,
as she approached the door of my uncle Toby's sentry-box — -
a mote — or sand — or something — I know not what, has
got into this eye of mine — do look into it — it is not in the
white —
In saying which, Mrs. Wadman edged herself close in
beside my uncle Toby, and squeezing herself down upon
the corner of his bench, she gave him an opportunity of
doing it without rising up — Do look into it — said she.
526 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vm
Honest soul! thou didst look into it with as much in-
nocency of heart, as ever child looked into a raree-show-
box; and 'twere as much a sin to have hurt thee.
— If a man will be peeping of his own accord into things
of that nature — I've nothing to say to it —
My uncle Toby never did: and I will answer for him,
that he would have sat quietly upon a sofa from June to
January (which, you know, takes in both the hot and cold
months), with an eye as fine as the Thracian ^ Rhodope's
beside him, without being able to tell, whether it was a
black or blue one.
The difficulty was to get my uncle Toby, to look at one
at all.
'Tis surmounted. And
I see him yonder with his pipe pendulous in his hand,
and the ashes falling out of it — looking — and looking —
then rubbing his eyes — and looking again, with twice the
good-nature that ever Galileo looked for a spot in the sun.
— In vain! for by all the powers which animate the
organ — Widow Wadman's left eye shines this moment as
lucid as her right — there is neither mote, or sand, or dust, or
chaff, or speck, or particle of opaque matter floating in it
— There is nothing, my dear paternal uncle! but one lam-
bent delicious fire, furtively shooting out from every part
of it, in all directions, into thine —
— If thou lookest, uncle Toby, in search of this mote
one moment longer — thou art undone.
Chapter 2^
An eye is for all the world exactly like a cannon, in this
respect; That it is not so much the eye or the cannon, in
themselves, as it is the carriage of the eye — and the car-
1 Rhodope Thtacia tarn inevitabili fascino instructa, tarn exacte
oculis intuens attraxit, ut si in iliam quis incidisset, fieri non posset,
quin caperetur. — I know not who.
CHAP. 26 TRISTRAM SHANDY 527
riage of the cannon, by which both the one and the other
are enabled to do so much execution. I don't think the com-
parison a bad one; However, as 'tis made and placed at the
head of the chapter, as much for use as ornament, all I
desire in return, is, that whenever I speak of Mrs. Wad-
man's eyes (except once in the next period), that you keep
it in your fancy.
I protest. Madam, said my uncle Toby, I can see nothing
whatever in your eye.
It is not in the white; said Mrs. Wadman: my uncle
Toby looked with might and main into the pupil —
Now of all the eyes which ever were created — from your
own. Madam, up to those of Venus herself, which certainly
were as venereal a pair of eyes as ever stood in a head —
there never was an eye of them all, so fitted to rob my uncle
Toby of his repose, as the very eye, at which he was looking
— it was not. Madam, a rolling eye — a romping or a wanton
one — nor was it an eye sparkling — petulant or imperious —
of high claims and terrifying exactions, which would have
curdled at once that milk of human nature, of which mv
uncle Toby was made up — but 'twas an eye full of gentle
salutations — and soft responses — speaking — not like the
trumpet stop of some ill-made organ, in which many an eye
I talk to, holds coarse converse — but whispering soft — like
the last low accents of an expiring saint — "How can you
live comfortless. Captain Shandy, and alone, without a
bosom to lean your head on — or trust your cares to?"
It was an eye —
But I shall be in love with it myself, if I say another
word about it.
— It did my uncle Toby's business.
Chapter 26
There is nothing shows the character of my father and my
uncle Toby, in a more entertaining light, than their different
528 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
manner of deportment, under the same accident — for I
call not love a misfortune, from a persuasion, that a man's
heart is ever the better for it — Great God! what must my
uncle Toby's have been, when 'twas all benignity without it.
My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very
subject to this passion, before he married — but from a little
subacid kind of drollish impatience in his nature, whenever
it befell him, he would never submit to it like a christian;
but would pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and play the
Devil, and write the bitterest Philippics against the eye that
ever man wrote — there is one in verse upon somebody's eye
or other, that for two or three nights together, had put him
by his rest; which in his first transport of resentment against
it, he begins thus:
"A Devil 'tis — and mischief such doth work
As never yet did Pagan, Jew, or Turk." ^
In short, during the whole paroxysm, my father was all
abuse and foul language, approaching rather towards male-
diction — only he did not do it with as much method as
Ernulphus — he was too impetuous; nor with Ernulphus's
policy — for tho' my father, with the most intolerant spirit,
would curse both this and that, and every thing under
heaven, which was either aiding or abetting to his love —
yet never concluded his chapter of curses upon it, without
cursing himself in at the bargain, as one of the m.ost
egregious fools and coxcombs, he would say, that ever was
let loose in the world.
My uncle Toby, on the contrary, took it like a lamb — sat
still and let the poison work in his veins without resistance —
in the sharpest exacerbations of his wound (like that on
his groin) he never dropt one fretful or discontented word
— he blamed neither heaven nor earth — or thought or spoke
1 This will be printed with my father's Life of Socrates, etc. etc.
CHAP.27 TRISTRAM SHANDY 529
an injurious thing of any body, or any part of it; he sat
solitary and pensive with his pipe — looking at his lame leg —
then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho! which mixing
with the smoke, incommoded no one mortal.
He took it like a lamb — I say.
In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a
ride with my father, that very morning, to save if possible
a beautiful wood, which the dean and chapter were hewing
down to give to the poor; ^ which said wood being in full
view of my uncle Toby's house, and of singular service to
him in his description of the battle of VVynncndale — by
trotting on too hastily to save it — upon an uneasy saddle —
worse horse, etc. etc. ... it had so happened, that the
serous part of the blood had got betwixt the two skins, in
the nethermost part of my uncle Toby — the first shootings
of which (as my uncle Toby had no experience of love)
he had taken for a part of the passion — till the blister
breaking in the one case — and the other remaining — my
uncle Toby was presently convinced, that his wound was
not a skin-deep wound — but that it had gone to his heart.
Chapter 2 J
The world is ashamed of being virtuous — My uncle Toby
knew little of the world; and therefore when he felt he
was in love with widow Wadman, he had no conception that
the thing was any more to be made a mystery of, than if
Mrs. Wadman had given him a cut with a gap'd knife across
his finger: Had it been otherwise — yet as he ever looked
upon Trim as a humble friend ; and saw fresh reasons every
day of his life, to treat him as such — it would have made no
variation in the manner in which he informed him of the
affair.
"I am in love, corporal!" quoth my uncle Toby.
' Mr. Shandy must mean the poor in spirit; inasmuch as they
divided the money amongst themselves.
530 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
Chafter 28
In love! — said the corporal — your honour was very well
the day before yesterday, when I was telling your honour
the story of the King of Bohemia — Bohemia! said my uncle
Toby musing a long time What became of that
story, Trim?
— We lost it, an' please your honour, somehow betwixt
us — but your honour was as free from love then, as I am —
'twas just whilst thou went'st off with the wheel-barrow —
with Mrs. Wadman, quoth my uncle Toby — She has left a
ball here — added my uncle Toby — pointing to his breast —
— She can no more, an' please your honour, stand a siege,
than she can fly — cried the corporal —
— But as we are neighbours. Trim, — the best way I think
is to let her know it civilly first — quoth my uncle Toby.
Now if I might presume, said the corporal, to diflFer
from your honour —
— Why else do I talk to thee. Trim? said my uncle Toby,
mildly —
— Then I would begin, an' please your honour, with
making a good thundering attack upon her, in return — and
telling her civilly afterwards — for if she knows anything
of your honour's being in love, before hand — L — d help
her! — she knows no more at present of it. Trim, said my
uncle Toby — than the child unborn —
Precious souls! —
Mrs. Wadman had told it, with all its circumstances, to
Mrs. Bridget twenty-four hours before; and was at that
very moment sitting in council with her, touching some slight
misgivings with regard to the issue of the aifairs, which the
Devil, who never lies dead in a ditch, had put into her head
— before he would allow half time, to get quietly through
her Te Deum.
I am terribly afraid, said widow Wadman, in case I
CHAP. 29 TRISTRAM SHANDY 531
should marry him, Bridget — tliat the poor captain will not
enjoy his health, with the monstrous wound upon his groin —
It may not. Madam, be so very large, replied Bridget,
as you think — and I believe, besides, added she — that 'tis
dried up —
— I could like to know — merely for his sake, said Mrs.
Wadman —
— We'll know the long and the broad of it, in ten days
— answered Mrs. Bridget, for whilst the captain is paying
his addresses to you — I'm confident Mr. Trim will be
for making love to me — and I'll let him as much as he will
— added Bridget — to get it all out of him —
The measures were taken at once — and my uncle Toby
and the corporal went on with theirs.
Now, quoth the corporal, setting his left hand a-kimbo,
and giving such a flourish with his right, as just promised
success — and no more — if your honour will give me leave
to lay down the plan of this attack —
— Thou wilt please me by it. Trim, said my uncle
Toby, exceedingly — and as I foresee thou must act in it
as my aide de campy here's a crown, corporal, to begin
with, to steep thy commission.
Then, an' please your honour, said the corporal (making
a bow first for his commission) we will begin with getting
your honour's laced clothes out of the great campaign-trunk,
to be well aired, and have the blue and gold taken up at
the sleeves — and I'll put your white ramallie-wig fresh into
pipes — and send for a tailor, to have your honour's thin
scarlet breeches turned —
— I had better take the red plush ones, quoth my uncle
Toby — They will be too clumsy — said the corporal.
Chapter 29
— Thou wilt get a brush and a little chalk to my sword —
'Twill be only in your honour's way, replied Trim.
532 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
Chaftcr JO
— But your honour's two razors shall be new set — and I
will get my Montero cap furbished up, and put on poor
lieutenant Le Fever's regimental coat, which your honour
gave me to wear for his sake — and as soon as your honour
is clean shaved — and has got your clean shirt on, with your
blue and gold, or your fine scarlet — sometimes one and some-
times t'other — and everything is ready for the attack — we'll
march up boldly, as if 'twas to the face of a bastion; and
whilst your honour engages Mrs. Wadman in the parlour,
to the right — I'll attack Mrs. Bridget in the kitchen, to the
left; and having seized the pass, I'll answer for it, said
the corporal, snapping his fingers over his head — that the
day is our own.
I wish I may but manage it right; said my uncle Toby —
but I declare, corporal, I had rather march up to the very
edge of a trench —
• — A woman is quite a different thing — said the corporal.
— I suppose so, quoth my uncle Toby.
Chaffer j/
If any thing in this world, which my father said, could
have provoked my uncle Toby, during the time he was in
love, it was the perverse use my father was always making
of an expression of Hilarion the hermit; who, in speaking of
his abstinence, his watchings, flagellations, and other instru-
mental parts of his religion — would say — tho' with more
facetiousness than became an hermit — "That they were the
means he used, to make his ass (meaning his body) leave off
kicking."
It pleased my father well ; it was not only a laconic way
of expressing — but of libelling, at the same time, the desires
and appetites of the lower part of us; so that for many
years of my father's life, 'twas his constant mode of ex-
CHAP. 32 TRISTRAM SHANDY 533
pression — he never used the word passions ^ncc — but ass
always instead of them — So that he might be said truly, to
have been upon the bones, or the back of his own ass, or else
of some other man's, during all that time.
I must here observe to you the difference betwixt
My father's ass
and my hobby-horse — in order to keep characters
as separate as may be, in our fancies as we go along.
For my hobby-horse, if you recollect a little, is no way a
vicious beast; he has scarce one hair or lineament of the
ass about him — 'Tis the sporting little filly-folly which
carries you out for the present hour — a maggot, a butterfly,
a picture, a fiddlestick — an uncle Toby's siege — or an any
thing, which a man makes a shift to get a-stride on, to canter
it away from the cares and solicitudes of life — 'Tis as use-
ful a beast as is in the whole creation — nor do I really sec-
how the world could do without it —
— But for my father's ass — oh! mount him — mount
him — mount him — (that's three times, is it not?) — mount
him not: — 'tis a beast concupiscent — and foul befall the
man, who does not hinder him from kicking.
Chaffer 52
Well! dear brother Toby, said my father, upon his first
seeing him after he fell in love — and how goes it with
your Ass?
Now my uncle Toby thinking more of the part where he
had had the blister, than of Hilarion's metaphor — and our
preconceptions having (you know) as great a power over
the sounds of words as the shapes of things, he had imagined,
that my father, who was not very ceremonious in his choice
of words, had enquired after the part bv its proper name;
so notwithstanding mv mother, doctor Slop, and Mr. "\'orick,
were sitting in the parlour, he thought it rather civil to con-
form to the term mv father had made use of than not.
534 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
When a man is hemmed in by two indecorums, and must
commit one of 'em — I always observe — let him choose
which he will, the world will blame him — so I should not
be astonished if it blames my uncle Toby.
My A — e, quoth my uncle Toby, is much better —
brother Shandy — My father had formed great expectations
from his Ass in this onset; and would have brought him on
again; but doctor Slop setting up an intemperate laugh —
and my mother crying out L — bless us! — it drove my
father's Ass off the field — and the laugh then becoming gen-
eral — there was no bringing him back to the charge, for
some time —
And so the discourse went on without him.
Every body, said my mother, says you are in love, brother
Toby, — and we hope it is true.
I am as much in love, sister, I believe, replied my uncle
Toby, as any man usually is — Humph! said my father — and
when did you know it? quoth my mother —
— When the blister broke; replied my uncle Toby.
My uncle Toby's reply put my father into good temper —
so he charged o' foot.
Chaffer 55
As the ancients agree, brother Toby, said my father, that
there are two different and distinct kinds of love, according
to the different parts which are affected by it — the Brain
or Liver — I think when a man is in love, it behoves him a
little to consider which of the two he is fallen into.
What signifies it, brother Shandy, replied my uncle Toby,
which of the two it is, provided it will but make a man
marry, and love his wife, and get a few children?
— A few children! cried my father, rising out of his
chair, and looking full in my mother's face, as he forced his
way betwixt hers and doctor Slop's — a few children! cried
CHAP. 33 TRISTRAM SHANDY 535
my father, repeating my uncle Toby's words as he walked to
and fro.
— Not, my dear brother Tob}', cried my father, recover-
ing himself all at once, and coming close up to the back
of my uncle Toby's chair — not that I should be sorry hadst
thou a score — on the contrary, I should rejoice — and be as
kind, Toby, to every one of them as a father —
My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived behind his
chair, to give my father's a squeeze —
— Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my
uncle Toby's hand — so much dost thou possess, my dear
Toby, of the milk of human nature, and so little of its
asperities — 'tis piteous the world is not peopled by creatures
which resemble thee; and was I an Asiatic monarch, added
my father, heating himself with his new project — I would
oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strength — or
dr)' up thy radical moisture too fast — or weaken thy memory
or fancy, brother Toby, which these gymnics inordinately
taken are apt to do — else, dear Toby, I would procure thee
the most beautiful women in my empire, and I would oblige
thee, tiolenSj volens, to beget for me one subject every
month —
As my father pronounced the last word of the sentence
— my mother took a pinch of snuff.
Now I would not, quoth my uncle Toby, get a child
nolens, volens, that is, whether I would or no, to please the
greatest prince upon earth —
— And 'twould be cruel in me, brother Toby, to compel
thee; said my father — but 'tis a case put to show thee, that
it is not thy begetting a child — in case thou should'st be able
— but the system of Love and Marriage thou goest upon,
which I would set thee right in —
There is at least, said Yorick, a great deal of reason and
plain sense in Captain Shandy's opinion of love; and 'tis
amongst the ill-spent hours of my life, which I have tc
536 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
answer for, that I have read so many flourishing poets and
rhetoricians in my time, from whom I never could extract
so much.
I wish, Yorick, said my father, you had read Plato; for
there you would have learnt that there are two Loves — I
know there were two Religions, replied Yorick, amongst
the ancients — one — for the vulgar, and another for the
learned; — but I think one Love might have served both
of them very well —
It could not; replied my father — and for the same rea-
sons: for these Loves, according to Ficinus's comment upon
Velasius, the one is rational —
— the other is natural —
the first ancient — without mother — where Venus had noth-
ing to do: the second, begotten of Jupiter and Dione —
— Pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, what has a man
who believes in God to do with this? My father could
not stop to answer, for fear of breaking the thread of his
discourse —
This latter, continued he, partakes wholly of the nature
of Venus.
The first, which is the golden chain let down from
heaven, excites to love heroic, which comprehends in it,
and excites to the desire of philosophy and truth — the second,
excites to desire, simply —
— I think the procreation of children as beneficial to
the world, said Yorick, as the finding out the longitude —
— To be sure, said my mother, love keeps peace in the
world —
— In the house — my dear, I own —
— It replenishes the earth; said my mother —
But it keeps heaven empty — my dear; replied my father.
— 'Tis Virginity, cried Slop, triumphantly, which fills
paradise.
Well pushed, nun! quoth my father.
CHAP, u IRISTRAM SHANUY 537
Chapter j^
Mv father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slash-
ing way with him in his disputations, thrusting and ripping,
and giving ever)' one a stroke to remember him by in his
turn — that if there were twent)- people in company — in
less than half an hour he was sure to have ever)' one of
'em against him.
What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without
an ally, was, that if there was any one post more untenable
than the rest, he would be sure to throw himself into it;
and to do him justice, when he was once there, he would
defend it so gallantly, that 'twould have been a concern,
either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen
him driven out.
"^'orick, for this reason, though he would often attack
him — vet could never bear to do it with all his force.
Dr. Slop's "Virginity," in the close of the last chapter,
had got him for once on the right side of the rampart;
and he was beginning to blow up all the convents in Chris-
tendom about Slop's ears, when corporal Trim came into
the parlour to inform mv uncle Tobv, that his thin scarlet
breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs.
Wadman, would not do; for that the tailor, in ripping them
up, in order to turn them, had found thev had been turned
before — Then turn them again, brother, said my father,
rapidly, for there will be manv a turning of 'em yet before
all's done in the affair — Thev are as rotten as dirt, said the
corporal — Then by all means, said my father, bespeak a
new pair, brother — for though I know, continued my father,
turning himself to the companv, that widow Wadman
has been deeply in love with my brother Toby for manv
years, and has used every art and circumvention of women
to outwit him into the same passion, yet now that she has
caught him — her fever will be passed its height —
538 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
— She has gained her point.
In this case, continued my father, which Plato, I am per-
suaded, never thought of — Love, you see, is not so much a
Sentiment as a Situation, into which a man enters, as my
brother Toby would do, into a corps — no matter whether he
loves the service or no — being once in it — he acts as if he
did; and takes every step to show himself a man of prowess.
The hypothesis, like the rest of my father's, was plausible
enough, and my uncle Toby had but a single word to object
to it — in which Trim stood ready to second him — but my
father had not drawn his conclusion —
For this reason, continued my father (stating the case
over again) — notwithstanding all the world knows, that
Mrs. Wadman affects my brother Toby — and my brother
Toby contrariwise affects Mrs. Wadman, and no obstacle
in nature to forbid the music striking up this very night, yet
I will answer for it, that this self -same tune will not be
played this twelvemonth.
We have taken our measures badly, quoth my uncle Toby,
looking up interrogatively in Trim's face.
I would lay my Montero-cap, said Trim — Now Trim's
Montero-cap as I once told you, was his constant wager;
and having furbished it up that very night, in order to go
upon the attack — it made the odds look more considerable
— I would lay, an' please your honour, my Montero-cap to
a shilling — was it proper, continued Trim (making a bow),
to offer a wager before your honours —
— There is nothing improper in it, said my father — 'tis
a mode of expression; for in saying thou would'st lay thy
Montero-cap to a shilling — all thou meanest is this — that
thou believest —
— Now, What do'st thou believe?
That widow Wadman, an' please your worship, cannot
hold it out ten days —
CHAP. 34 TRISTRAM SHANDY 539
And whence, cried Slop, jecringly, hast thou all this
knowledge of woman, friend?
By falling in love with a popish clergywoman ; said Trim.
'Twas a Beguine, said my uncle Toby.
Doctor Slop was too much in wrath to listen to the dis-
tinction; and my father taking that very crisis to fall in
helter-skelter upon the whole order of Nuns and Beguines,
a set of silly, fusty baggages — Slop could not stand it — and
my uncle Toby having some measures to take about his
breeches — and Yorick about his fourth general division —
in order for their several attacks next day — the company
broke up: and my father being left alone, and having half
an hour upon his hands betwixt that and bed-time; he called
for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote niv uncle Toby the fol-
lowing letter of instructions:
My Dear Brother Toby,
What I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of
women, and of love-making to them; and perhaps it is as
well for thee — tho' not so well for me — that thou hast
occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head, and
that I am able to write it to thee.
Had it been the good pleasure of Him who disposes of
our lots — and thou no sufferer by the knowledge, I had
been well content that thou should'st have dipped the pen
this moment into the ink, instead of myself; but that not
being the case — Mrs. Shandy being now close beside me,
preparing for bed — I have thrown together without order,
and just as they have come into my mind, such hints and
documents as I deem may be of use to thee; intending in
this, to give thee a token of mv love; not doubting, mv
dear Toby, of the manner in which it will be accepted.
In the first place, with regard to all which concerns
religion in the affair — though I perceive from a glow in my
cheek, that I blush as I begin to speak to thee upon the
540 TRISTRAM SHANDY book vui
subject, as well knowing, notwithstanding tiiy unaifccted
secrecy, how few of its offices thou neglectest — yet I v/oukl
remind thee of one (during the continuance of thy court-
ship) in a particular manner, which I would not have
omitted; and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprise,
whether it be in the morning or the afternoon, without
first recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty
God, that He may defend thee from the evil one.
Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least
every four or five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in
taking off thy wig before her, thro' absence of mind, she
should be able to discover how much has been cut awav bv
Time — how much by Trim.
— 'Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her
fancy.
Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure
maxim, Toby —
"That women are timid": And 'tis well they are — else
there would be no dealing with them.
Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about
thy thighs, like the trunk-hose of our ancestors.
— A just medium prevents all conclusions.
Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not
to utter it in a low soft tone of voice. Silence, and what-
ever approaches it, weaves dreams of midnight secrecy into
the brain: For this cause, if thou canst help it, never throw
down the tongs and poker.
Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy
discourse with her, and do whatever lies in thy power at
the same time, to keep from her all books and writings which
tend thereto: there are some devotional tracts, which if thou
canst entice her to read over — it will be well: but suffer her
not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, or Don Quixote —
— They are all books which excite laughter; and thou
CHAP. 34 TRISTRAM SHANDY 541
knowest, dear Toby, that there is no passion so serious as
lust.
Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest
her parlour.
And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sofa with
her, and she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers
— beware of taking it — thou canst not lay thy hand on hers,
but she will feel the temper of thine. Leave that and as
many other things as thou canst, quite undetermined; by so
doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she
is not conquered by that, and thy Ass continues still kicking,
which there is great reason to suppose — Thou must begin,
with first losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, ac-
cording to the practice of the ancient Scythians, who cured
the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means.
Aviccnna, after this, is for having the part anointed with
the syrup of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purges
— and I believe rightly. But thou must eat little or no
goat's flesh, nor red deer — nor even foal's flesh by any
means; and carefully abstain — that is, as much as thou canst,
from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and water-hens —
As for thy drink — I need not tell thee, it must be the in-
fusion of Vervain and the herb Hanea, of which Aelin re-
lates such effects — but if thy stomach palls with it —
discontinue it from time to time, taking cucumbers, melons,
purslane, water-lilies, woodbine, and lettuce, in the stead of
them.
There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me
at present —
— Unless the breaking out of a fresh war — So wishing
every thing, dear Toby, for the best,
I rest thy aflpectionate brother,
Walter Shandy.
542 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
Chaffer 55
Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions,
my uncle Toby and the corporal were busy in preparing
every thing for the attack. As the turning of the thin
scarlet breeches was laid aside (at least for the present),
there was nothing which should put it off beyond the next
morning; so accordingly it was resolved upon, for eleven
o'clock.
Come, my dear, said my father to my mother — 'twill be
but like a brother and sister, if you and I take a walk down
to my brother Toby's — to countenance him in this attack
of his.
My uncle Toby and the corporal had been accoutred both
for some time, when my father and mother entered, and the
clock striking eleven, were that moment in motion to sally
forth — but the account of this is worth more than to be
wove into the fag end of the eighth volume of such a work
as this. — My father had no time but to put the letter of
instructions into my uncle Toby's coat-pocket — and join
with my mother in wishing his attack prosperous.
I could like, said my mother, to look through the key-
hole out of curiosity — Call it by its right name, my dear,
quoth my father —
And look through the key-hole as long as you will.
THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF
TRISTRAM SHANDY
GENTLEMAN
Si quid urbaniuscule lesum a nobis, per Musas et Charitas ct
omnium poetarum Numina, Oro te, ne me mal^ capias.
A Dedication to
A GREAT MAN
Having, a friori, intended to dedicate The Amours of
my Uncle Toby to Mr. *** — ^^I see more reasons, a fos-
teriori, for doing it to Lord *******.
I should lament from my soul, if this exposed me to the
jealousy of their Reverences; because a fosteriori, in Court-
latin, signifies the kissing hands for preferment — or any
thing else — in order to get it.
My opinion of Lord ♦**♦♦** is neither better nor worse,
than it was of Mr. ***. Honours, like impressions upon
coin, may give an ideal and local value to a bit of base
metal; but Gold and Silver will pass all the world over
without any other recommendation than their own weight.
The same good-will that made me think of offering up
half an hour's amusement to Mr. *** when out of place —
operates more forcibly at present, as half an hour's amuse-
ment will be more serviceable and refreshing after labour
and sorrow, than after a philosophical repast.
Nothing is so perfectly amusement as a total change of
ideas; no ideas are so totally different as those of Ministers,
and innocent Lovers: for which reason, when I come to
talk of Statesmen and Patriots, and set such marks upon
them as will prevent confusion and mistakes concerning
them for the future — I propose to dedicate that Volume to
some gentle Shepherd,
Whose thoughts proud Science never taught to stray,
Far as the Statesman's walk or Patriot-way;
Yet simple Nature to his hopes had given
Out of a doud-capp'd head a humbler heaven;
Some untam'd World in depths of wood embraced —
Some happier Island in the watry-waste —
And where admitted to that equal sky,
His faithful Dog should bear him company.
545
546 TRISTRAM SHANDY book viii
In a word, by thus introducing an entire new set of ob-
jects to his Imagination, I shall unavoidably give a Diver-
sion to his passionate and love-sick Contemplations. In the
mean time,
I am
THE AUTHOR.
BOOK IX
Chapter i
I CALL all the powers of time and chance, which severally
check us in our careers in this world, to bear me witness,
that I could never yet get fairly to my uncle Toby's amours,
till this very moment, that my mother's curiosity, as she
stated the affair, — or a different impulse in her, as my
father would have it — wished her to take a peep at them
through the key-hole.
"Call it, my dear, by its right name," quoth my father,
"and look through the key-hole as long as you will."
Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid hu-
mour, which I have often spoken of, in my father's habit,
could have vented such an insinuation — he was however
frank and generous in his nature, and at all times open to
conviction ; so that he had scarce got to the last word of this
ungracious retort, when his conscience smote him.
My mother was then conjugally swinging with her left
arm twisted under his right, in such wise, that the inside of
her hand rested upon the back of his — she raised her fingers,
and let them fall — it could scarce be called a tap; or if it
was a tap — 'twould have puzzled a casuist to say, whether
'twas a tap of remonstrance or a tap of confession: my
father, who was all sensibilities from head to foot, classed it
right — Conscience redoubled her blow — he turned his face
suddenly the other way, and my mother supposing his body
w.is about to turn with it in order to move homewards, by
a cross movement of her right leg, keeping her loft as its
centre, brought herself so far in front, that as he turned
his head, he met her e\e — Confusion again! he saw a thou-
547
548 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ix
sand reasons to wipe out the reproach, and as many to
reproach himself — a thin, blue, chill, pellucid crystal with
all its humours so at rest, the least mote or speck of desire
might have been seen, at the bottom of it, had it existed —
it did not— and how I happen to be so lewd myself, par-
ticularly a little before the vernal and autumnal equinoxes —
Heaven above knows — My mother — madam, was so at no
time, either by nature, by institution, or example.
A temperate current of blood ran orderly through her
veins in all months of the year, and in all critical moments
both of the day and night alike; nor did she superinduce
the least heat into her humours from the manual effervescen-
cies of devotional tracts, which having little or no meaning
in them, nature is oft-times obliged to find one — And as for
my father's example ! 'twas so far from being either aiding
or abetting thereunto, that 'twas the whole business of his
life to keep all fancies of that kind out of her head — Nature
had done her part, to have spared him this trouble; and
what was not a little inconsistent, my father knew it — And
here am I sitting, this 1 2th day of August 1766, in a
purple jerkin and yellow pair of slippers, without either
wig or cap on, a most tragicomical completion of his predic-
tion, "That I should neither think, nor act like any other
man's child, upon that very account."
The mistake in my father, was in attacking my mother's
motive, instead of the act itself; for certainly key-holes
were made for other purposes; and considering the act, as
an act which interfered with a true proposition, and denied
a key-hole to be what it was †” it became a violation of na-
ture; and was so far, you see, criminal.
It is for this reason, an' please your Reverences, That
key-holes are the occasions of more sin and wickedness,
than all other holes in this world put together.
— which leads me to my uncle Toby's amours.
CHAP. 2 TRISTRAM SHANDY 549
Chapter 2
Though the corporal had been as good as his word in put-
ting my uncle Toby's great ramal lie-wig into pipes, yet the
time was too short to produce any great effects from it: it had
lain many years squeezed up in the corner of his old cam-
paign trunk; and as bad forms are not so easy to be got the
better of, and the use of candle-ends not so well understood,
it was not so pliable a business as one would have wished.
The corporal with cheery eye and both arms extended, had
fallen back perpendicular from it a score times, to inspire it,
if possible, with a better air — had Spleen given a look at
it, 'twould have cost her ladyship a smile — it curled every
where but where the corporal would have it; and where a
buckle or two, in his opinion, would have done it honour, he
could as soon have raised the dead.
Such it was — or rather such would it have seemed upon
any other brow; but the sweet look of goodness which sat
upon my uncle Toby's, assimilated every thing around it so
sovereignly to itself, and Nature had moreover wrote Gen-
tleman with so fair a hand in every line of his countenance,
that even his tarnished gold-laced hat and huge cockade of
flimsy taffeta became him; and though not worth a button
in themselves, yet the moment my uncle Toby put them on,
they became serious objects, and altogether seemed to have
been picked up by the hand of Science to set him off to
advantage.
Nothing in this world could have co-operated more power-
fully towards this, than my uncle Toby's blue and gold —
had not Quantity in some measure been necessary to Grace:
in a period of fifteen or sixteen years since they had been
made, by a total inactivity in my uncle Toby's life, for he
seldom went further than the bowling-green — his blue and
gold had become so miserably too strait for him, that it was
with the utmost difficulty the corporal was able to get him
550 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ix
into them; the taking them up at the sleeves, was of no
advantage. — They were laced however down the back, and
at the seams of the sides, etc., in the mode of King Wil-
liam's reign; and to shorten all description, they shone so
bright against the sun that morning, and had so metallic and
doughty an air with them, that had my uncle Toby thought
of attacking in armour, nothing could have so well imposed
upon his imagination.
As for the thin scarlet breeches, they had been unripped by
the tailor between the legs, and left at sixes and sevens —
— Yes, Madam, — but let us govern our fancies. It is
enough they were held impracticable the night before, and
as there was no alternative in my uncle Toby's wardrobe,
he sallied forth in the red plush.
The corporal had arrayed himself in poor Le Fever's regi-
mental coat; and with his hair tucked up under his Montero-
cap, which he had furbished up for the occasion, marched
three paces distant from his master: a whiff of military pride
had puffed out his shirt at the wrist; and upon that in a
black leather thong clipped into a tassel beyond the knot,
hung the corporal's stick — My uncle Toby carried his cane
like a pike.
— It looks well at least; quoth my father to himself.
Chaft
er
J
My uncle Toby turned his head more than once behind him,
to see how he was supported by the corporal; and the cor-
poral as oft as he did it, gave a slight flourish with his stick
— but not vapouringly; and with the sweetest accent of most
respectful encouragement, bid his honour "never fear."
Now my uncle Toby did fear; and grievously too; he
knew not (as my father had reproached him) so much as
the right end of a Woman from the wrong, and therefore
was never altogether at his ease near any one of them —
CHAP. 4 TRISTRAM SHANDY 551
unless in sorrow or distress; then infinite was his pity; nor
would the most courteous knight of romance have gone
further, at least upon one leg, to have wiped away a tear
from a woman's eye; and yet excepting once that he was
beguiled into it by Mrs. Wadman, he had never looked
stedfastly into one; and would often tell my father in the
simplicity of his heart, that it was almost (if not about) as
bad as talking bawdy. —
— And suppose it is? my father would say.
Chapter 4
She cannot, quoth n\\ uncle Toby, halting, when they had
marched up to within twenty paces of Mrs. Wadman's door
— she cannot, corporal, take it amiss. —
— She will take it, an' please your honour, said the cor-
poral, just as the Jew's widow at Lisbon took it of my brother
Tom. —
— And how was that? quoth my uncle Toby, facing
quite about to the corporal.
"^'our honour, replied the corporal, knows of Tom's mis-
fortunes; but this affair has nothing to do with them any
further than this, That if Tom had not married the widow
— or had it pleased God after their marriage, that they had
but put pork into their sausages, the honest soul had never
been taken out of his warm bed, and dragged to the inquisi-
tion — 'Tis a cursed place — added the corporal, shaking his
head, — when once a poor creature is in, he is in, an' please
your honour, for ever.
'Tis very true; said my uncle Toby, looking gravely at
Mrs. Wadman's house, as he spoke.
Nothing, continued the corporal, can be so sad as con-
finement for life — or so sweet, an' please your honour, as
liberty.
Nothing, Trim — said my uncle Toby, musing —
552 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ix
Whilst a man is free, — cried the corporal, giving a flour-
ish with his stick thus —
A thousand of my father's most subtle syllogisms could
not have said more for celibacy.
My uncle Toby looked earnestly towards his cottage and
his bowling-green.
The corporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of
calculation with his wand; and he had nothing to do, but
to conjure him down again with his story, and in this form
of Exorcism, most un-ecclesiastically did the corporal do it,
Chafter 5
As Tom's place, an' please your honour, was easy — and the
weather warm — it put him upon thinking seriously of set-
tling himself in the world; and as it fell out about that time,
that a Jew who kept a sausage shop in the same street, had the
ill luck to die of a strangury, and leave his widow in posses-
CHAP. 5 TRISTRAM SHANDY 553
sion of a rousing trade — Tom thought (as every body in
Lisbon was doing the best he could devise for himself) there
could be no harm in offering her his service to carry it on: so
without anv introduction to the widow, except that of buying
a pound of sausages at her shop — Tom set out — counting the
matter thus within himself, as he walked along; that let
the worst come of it that could, he should at least get a
pound of sausages for their worth — but, if things went well,
he should be set up; inasmuch as he should get not only a
pound of sausages — but a wife and — a sausage shop, an'
please your honour, into the bargain.
Every servant in the family, from high to low, wished
Tom success; and I can fancy, an' please your honour, I sec
him this moment with his white dimity waistcoat and
breeches, and hat a little o' one side, passing jollily along the
street, swinging his stick, with a smile and a cheerful word
for every body he met: — But alas! Tom! thou smilest no
more, cried the corporal, looking on one side of him upon
the ground, as if he apostrophized him in his dungeon.
Poor fellow! said my uncle Toby, feelingly.
He was an honest, light-hearted lad, an' please your
honour, as ever blood warmed —
— Then he resembled thee, Trim, said my uncle Toby,
rapidly.
The corporal blushed down to his fingers' ends — a tear of
sentimental bash fulness — another of gratitude to my uncle
Toby — and a tear of sorrow for his brother's misfortunes,
started into his eye, and ran sweetly down his cheek together;
my uncle Toby's kindled as one lamp does at another; and
taking hold of the breast of Trim's coat (which had been
that of Le Fever's) as if to ease his lame leg, but in reality
to gratify a finer feeling — he stood silent for a minute and
a half; at the end of which he took his hand away, and the
corporal making a bow, went on with his story of his
brother and the Jew's widow.
554
TRISTRAM SHANDY book ix
Chafter 6
When Tom, an' please your honour, got to the shop, there
was nobody in it, but a poor negro girl, with a bunch oi
white feathers slightly tied to the end of a long cane, flap-
ping away flies — not killing them. — 'Tis a pretty picture!
said my uncle Toby — she had suffered persecution. Trim,
and had learnt mercy —
— She was good, an' please your honour, from nature, as
well as from hardships; and there are circumstances in the
story of that poor friendless slut, that would melt a heart
of stone, said Trim; and some dismal winter's evening,
when your honour is in the humour, they shall be told you
with the rest of Tom's story, for it makes a part of it —
Then do not forget, Trim, said my uncle Toby.
A negro has a soul ? an' please your honour, said the cor-
poral (doubtingly).
I am not much versed, corporal, quoth my uncle Toby,
in things of that kind; but I suppose, God would not leave
him without one, any more than thee or me —
— It would be putting one sadly over the head of another,
quoth the corporal.
It would so; said my uncle Toby. Why then, an' please
your honour, is a black wench to be used worse than a white
one ?
I can give no reason, said my uncle Toby —
— Only, cried the corporal, shaking his head, because she
has no one to stand up for her —
— 'Tis that very thing, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, —
which recommends her to protection — and her brethren with
her; 'tis the fortune of war which has put the whip into
our hands now — where it may be hereafter, heaven knows!
— but be it where it will, the brave, Trim! will not use it
unkindly.
— God forbid, said the corporal.
CHAP. 7 TRISTRAM SHANDY 555
Amen, responded my uncle roby, laying his hand upon
his heart.
The corporal returned to his story, and went on — but
with an embarrassment in doing it, which here and there a
reader in this world will not Be able to comprehend; for
by the many sudden transitions all along, from one kind
and cordial passion to another, in getting thus far on his
way, he had lost the sportable key of his voice, which gave
sense and spirit to his tale: he attempted twice to resume it,
but could not please himself; so giving a stout hemi to rally
back the retreating spirits, and aiding nature at the same
time with his left arm a-kimbo on one side, and with his
right a little extended, supporting her on the other — the cor-
poral got as near the note as he could; and in that attitude,
continued his story.
Chapter 7
As Tom, an' please your honour, had no business at that
time with the Moorish girl, he passed on into the room be-
yond, to talk to the Jew's widow about love — and his pound
of sausages; and bcJig, as I have told your honour, an open
cheery-hearted lad, with his character wrote in his looks
and carriage, he took a chair, and without much apology,
but with great civility at the same time, placed it close to
her at the table, and sat down.
There is nothing so awkward, as courting a woman, an'
please your honour, whilst she is making sausages — So Tom
began a discourse upon them; first, gravely — "as how they
were made — with what meats, herbs, and spices" — Then a
little gaily, — as, "With what skins — and if they never burst
— Whether the largest were not the best?" — and so on —
taking care only as he went along, to season what he had to
say upon sausages, rather under than over; — that he might
have room to act in —
It was owing to the neglect of that very precaution, said
556 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ix
my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon Trim's shoulder, that
Count De la Motte lost the battle of Wynendale: he pressed
too speedily into the wood; which if he had not done, Lisle
had not fallen into our hands, nor Ghent and Bruges, which
both followed her example; it was so late in the year, con-
tinued my uncle Toby, and so terrible a season came on,
that if things had not fallen out as they did, our troops must
have perished in the open field. —
— Why, therefore, may not battles, an' please your
honour, as well as marriages, be made in heaven? — My uncle
Toby mused —
Religion inclined him to say one thing, and his high idea
of military skill tempted him to say another; so not being
able to frame a reply exactly to his mind — my uncle Toby
said nothing at all ; and the corporal finished his story.
As Tom perceived, an' please your honour, that he gained
ground, and that all he had said upon the subject of sausages
was kindly taken, he went on to help her a little in making
them. — First, by taking hold of the ring of the sausage
whilst she stroked the forced meat down with her hand —
then by cutting the strings into proper lengths, and holding
them in his hand, whilst she took them out one by one — -
then, by putting them across her mouth, that she might take
them out as she wanted them — and so on from little to more,
till at last he adventured to tie the sausage himself, whilst
she held the snout. —
— Now a widow, an' please your honour, always chooses
a second husband as unlike the first as she can: so the affair
was more than half settled in her mind before Tom men-
tioned it.
She made a feint however of defending herself, by
snatching up a sausage: — Tom instantly laid hold of an-
other —
But seeing Tom's had more gristle in it —
CHAP. 8 TRISTRAM SHANDY 557
She signed the capitulation — and Tom sealed it; and
there was an end of the matter.
Chapter 8
All womankind, continued Trim, (commenting upon his
story) from the highest to the lowest, an' please your honour,
love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they choose to have
them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as
we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting
down their breeches, till we hit the mark. —
— I like the comparison, said my uncle Toby, better than
the thing itself —
— Because your honour, quoth the corporal, loves glory,
more than pleasure.
I hope, Trim, answered my uncle Toby, I love mankind
more than either; and as the knowledge of arms tends so
apparently to the good and quiet of the world — and par-
ticularly that branch of it which we have practised together
in our bowling-green, has no object but to shorten the strides
of Ambition, and intrench the lives and fortunes of the few,
from the plunderings of the manv — whenever that drum
beats in our ears, I trust, corporal, we shall neither of us
want so much humanity and fellow-feeling, as to face about
and march.
In pronouncing this, my uncle Toby faced about, and
marched firmly as at the head of his company — and the faith-
ful corporal, shouldering his stick, and striking his hand
upon his coat-skirt as he took his first step — marched close
behind him down the avenue.
— Now what can their two noddles be about? cried my
father to my mother — by all that's strange, they are besieg-
ing Mrs. Wadman in form, and are marching round her
house to mark out the lines of circumvallation.
I dare say, quoth my mother — But stop, dear Sir — for
558 TRISTRAM SHANDY book ix
what my mother dared to say upon the occasion — and what
my father did say upon it — with her replies and his re-
joinders, shall be read, perused, paraphrased, commented,
and descanted upon — or to say it all in a word, shall be
thumbed over by Posterity in a chapter apart — I say, by
Posterity — and care not, if I repeat the word again — for
what has this book done more than the Legation of Moses,
or the Tale of a Tub, that it may not swim down the gutter
of Time along with them?
I will not argue the matter: Time wastes too fast: every
letter I trace tells me with what rapidity Life follows my
pen; the days and hours of it, more precious, my dear Jenny!
than the rubies about thy neck, are flying over our heads like
light clouds of a windy day, never to return more — every
thing presses on — whilst thou art twisting that lock, — see!
it grows grey; and every time I kiss thy hand to bid adieu,
and every absence which follows it, are preludes to that
eternal separation which we are shortly to make. —
— Heaven have mercy upon us both!
Chaffer p
Now, for what the world thinks of that ejaculation — I
would not give a groat.
Chapter lO
My mother had gone with her left arm twisted in my
father's right, till they had got to the fatal angle of the old
garden wall, where Doctor Slop was overthrown by Obadiah
on the coach-horse: as this was directly opposite to the front
of Mrs. Wadman's house, when my father came to it, he
gave a look across; and seeing my uncle Toby and the cor-
poral within ten paces of the door, he turned about — "Let
us just stop a moment, quoth my father, and see with what
ceremonies my brother Toby and his man Trim make their
first entry — it will not detain us, added my father, a single
CHAP. 10 TRISTRAM SHANDY 559
minute": — No matter, if it be ten minutes, quoth my
mother.
— It will not detain us half one; said my father.
The corporal was just then setting in with the story of his
brother Tom and the Jew's widow: the story went on —
and on 
