ETHEL WATTS MUMFORD
DATE BOOK 1
Composed and Collected by
Ethel Watts Mumford
Illustrated and Decorated by
Ethel Watts Mumford and
Published by Paul Elder and Company
by PAUL ELDKK
The Tomoye* Press
John woke on Jan. first and felt queer ;
Said, " Crackers I'll swear off this year !
For the lobster and wine
And the rabbit were fine,
And it certainly wasn't the beer."
Beware of Rash Judgments.
A dame at the beaches of Florida,
All the ladies said couldn't be horrider ;
But she proved them all wrong,
And she said, "Go along!"
While the climate grew torrid and torrider.
Gennaio 14 ^^
Said the lady, " With you I'll not go,
You're reported to be far from slow."
Said he, turning red,
With a smile quite o'erspread
"O Madame, don't flatter me so!"
There was a young lady named Julie,
Who was terribly fond of patchouli;
She used bottles seven,
'Til she smelt up to heaven,
Which made all the angels unruly.
Janvier ......... 24
3cmuar ......... 26
&j[\ ($$\ ....... 27
^>^..?.~* ..... 29
Gennaio ........ 30
The Wicked Punier.
Said a sporty young person named Groat,
Who owned an old race-horse of note,
" I consider it smart
To lunch a la cart,
But the horse always takes table d'oat."
in i >9z. 2
7 >f- r- 6
There was a young man who said, "There,
I will sneak out during this prayer!*'
But the squeak of his shoes
So enlivened the pews,
That he sat down again in despair.
(S) () 11
She's so homely you'd think she would smother,
And her back view is just like her brother.
Her eyes are both bent,
And her nose is a dent;
But then, " she's so good to her mother! "
Febbraio . .21
There was a young person of Tottenhem,
Whose manners, Good Lord ! she'd forgotten
When she went to the vicar's,
She took off her knickers,
Because she said she was hot in 'em.
Fevrier ......... 22
>9 ......... 23
5ebruar ........ 24
-7+* ......... 27
Febbraio ........ 28
Appearances are Deceitful.
There was a young lady of Skye,
With a shape like a capital I ;
She said, "It's too bad!
But then I can pad,*'
Which shows you that figures can lie.
There was a bright person named Biddle,
Who asked everybody a riddle.
When asked, "Can you tell
The answer as well ? "
He replied, " I begin in the middle."
Marzo ........ 12
There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie
i Which Startled the purely fastidious.
There once was a baker named Dunn,
Who always was out for the fun,
And although it was said
He was very well bred,
He spent all his dough on a "bun"!
The Careful Buyer.
There was an old man of Madrid,
Who went to an audion to bid;
He bought, if you please,
A case of old cheese-
But oh, Gosh! when they lifted the lid!
A Quiet Life.
An Abbess whom all did admire,
To holiness much did aspire.
When asked to a ball,
She replied, "Not at all;
I've another engagement that's Prior."
There was a fair maiden of Siam,
Who said to her lover, " O Priam,
You may kiss me, of course,
But you've got to use force
And, God knows, you are Stronger than I am! 1
'A7ipt/Uo$ ........ 1 5
There was an old person named Sam,
Who was wearied of Omar Khayyam.
Fitzgerald, you know,
Is the whole of the show;
But this cult and this music, " Oh, d ! "
The Kind Beadle.
There was an old lady of Threedle,
Who sat down in church on a needle;
Tho* deeply embedded,
'Twas luckily threaded,
And quickly pulled out by the beadle
There was a fair maid of Oshkosh,
Who on Tuesday cried out, " Oh, by Gosh!
For up on the roof
There was ocular proof
That some one had stolen the wash.
Make the BeSt of Adverse
There was a young person named Clyde,
Who was once at a funeral espied.
When asked who was dead,
He smilingly said:
" I don't know I jusT: came for the ride."
There once was a fellow moft kind,
Who, when loving, went at it quite blind.
He said, "That's all right,
But she's so out of sight
That I can't keep her out of my mind!"
Always Save for a Rainy Day.
There was a young lady named Jane,
Who went out to walk in the rain;
Her skirts were so lacey
It really was racey,
And drove all the chappies insane.
7 <! *
There was a young man from the Cape,
Who always wore trousers of crepe.
When asked, "Do they tear?"
He replied, "Here and there
But they keep such a wonderful shape."
There was an old lady of Lee,
Who invited the curate to tea.
He said, "You quite shine
In the housewifely line."
"Oh, this is so sudden!** said she.
Seek After Knowledge.
A man with the brain of a linnet
Asked forty- two questions a minute.
When they said, " Mind your biz!*'
He said, " Envy it is,
'Cause you know jusl how ri<flly I'm in it"
* + * ^
o ir"'^ y^t
Respedt for Age.
There was an old beau of Formosa,
Who ne'er was content with a "No,sah!
The Strength of his arm
Oft excited alarm,
And his mottc was " closah and closah."
A lady once had a bad habit:
She couldn't see cheese but she'd nab it.
She said, " Memory fails
Is the rabbit from Wales?
Or do the wails come from the rabbit? 1
There was a young lady of Wilts,
Who walked all through Scotland
When they said, " Oh, how
To see so much stocking!
She said, " How about you and
There was a young lady of Venice,
Who used hard-boiled eggs to play tennis.
When they cried, " You are wrong ! "
She replied, "Go along
You don't know how prolific my hen is."
~}*'rt> t fi
I .nalin .
There was a fair dame whose manoeuvre
Was to get her portrait in the Louvre ;
But they sent it away
The very firsT: day
And it's now in a dive in Vaneouvre.
Comparisons are Odious.
A talented artisT: (Ed Lanseer),
Said, "Beau Brummel, I won't paint these
I assure you, I can't see
That they are so fancy
Why, lasl week I saw a dog-fancier."
An old person who lived by his pen,
Cried, "Goody! I've got 'em again!
A poem I'll write,
'Bout the dawning of night,
That will easily collar a ten!"
A musician there was Paderewski
Who never would drink nor would chewski;
As a Matine6 blade,
He made Hackett afraid,
And quite broke the heart of John Drewski.
There was a young lady named Maude,
Who said she was "awfully boahed,"
For all men she hated,
Both single and mated
But in the dark corners Good Lawd I
A Good Girl.
Eliza she never was nifty,
She was kindly and gentle and thrifty;
She gave poor people pies,
And she never made eyes
But then she was seven and fifty!
?? tf >J 21
Do Not be Persistent.
There once was a promising hound,
The fleetest that ever was found;
But his friends all declare,
That when chasing the hare,
He was running things into the ground.
A kindly old person named Tom,
Manufactured a dynamite bomb.
One day in annoy,
He cast it at a boy,
Saying, "Gracious! I nearly said Domn!
There was a young damsel named Nell,
Who considered herself quite a belle.
She sat on the sand,
And held her own hand,
And never got on to the swell.
Septembre . . . .
The Young Nimrod.
Young Henry went out for to shoot,
With a gun and a high rubber boot;
He shot an old goat,
A guide and a shoat
But he's best when he's shooting the chute.
(g) (|| 18
Setiembre- ..... 19
There was an old man of Tarrentum,
Who sat on his false teeth and bent 'urn
When asked what he'd losl,
And what they had cosl,
He replied, " I don't know, I jusl rent 'um.
There was a fair charmer named Jones,
And the lions from various zones
At her house came and roared
In a beautiful chord,
As she fed them elaborate bones.
At a Cursory Glance.
A curate once smote at a tee,
And threw his new club up a tree,
Saying, " Fie ! ! My ! ! Oh, dear ! ! !
I musl give up, I fear,
Either golf or the miniftree!"
Octobre ........ 8
!tobcr ........ 10
Ottobre ........ 14
There was a young man who said, " Oh,
Why, lucre's so filthy and low !
But his friends said, "Oh, shoo!
That's too good to be true
You can bet that he's after the dough!"
There was a fair girl named Elaine,
Who, one March day, went out
dressed en train;
The wind tried to be rude,
But her costume was glued
*Tis better sometimes to be vain.
A lover in China, named Kin,
Sang soft serenades with great din;
With his eye to a crack
In the wall at the back
And they said, "Tis the lute of Peek-in!
Don't Be a Rounder.
There was a fair maid named O'Neil,
Who went up in the great Ferris Wheel;
On the thirty-fourth round
She looked down at the ground
And it cos! her an 80-cent meal.
A tenderfoot out in the Weft
Said, "Afternoon tea's such a re!
So they knocked off his hat
As they punched his nose flat,
And shot all the checks off his ve.
There was an old person named Tate
Who out fishing went early and late.
When the fish gave a tug,
Then he pulled on the jug,
And the thing that he caught was a skate.
There once was a sensitive bride,
Who ran when the groom she espied.
When they put on her veil
She set up a wail,
And when the priest blessed her, she cried.
Decembre ....... 1
Dicembre ........ 7
Know Your True Worth.
Said a Roofer, "I'd have you all know
I am nearly the whole of the show;
Why, the Sun every morn
Gets up with the dawn
For the purpose of hearing me crow!'*
A Good Reason.
There was a young man of Fort Blainey,
Who proposed to a typist named Janey;
When his friends cried, "Oh, dear!
She's so old and so queer!"
He replied, " But the day was so rainy ! "
M2. + 16
-7 ^c ^ A- 20
Sir Guy was an amorous knight,
Who coumed himself in a tight
It was taking a chance
To go without pants,
In case the mosquitoes should bite.
Decembre ....... 22
Diciembre ...... 26
Dicembre ........ 28
There was a good dame of Cape Horn,
Whose clothing was tattered and torn.
She remarked, debonnaire,
As she pinned up her hair:
" Three bargains I purchased this morn/*
M ~ + 30
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