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LIVES OF THE 

LUSTRIOUS 

A Dictionary of Irrational 

Biography edited by 

Sidney Stephen &f 

Leslie Lee 




LONDON: SIMPKIN. MARSHALL & CO. 

1901 




INTRODUCTION- 



IN his speech before the Edinburgh Philosophical Institution 
on November l^th, Lord Poseljery remarked ; * I say 
from the bottom of my heart, that much as I love 
biography — and I regard it as by far the most fascinating 
and attractive form of literature that exists — much as I love 
biography, I consider one of the curses of the nineteenth 
century has been tiie development of this bad biography, of 
this worthless biography/ It is in order to supply tiie 
good biography, whose lack Lord Rosebery thus deplored, 
that the present monumental work has been undertaken. 

No pains have been taken by the editors to make 
this Dictionary at once authoritative . and exhausting. 
They have toiled early and late, and have left no copy of 
^ M. A. P. * unturned. His Gracious Majesty, when he dined 
with the staflF on the occasion of the completion of this great 
task, remarked that such thoroughness brought tears to his 
^yes ; a testimonial to which to add anything would be both 



superfluous and disloyaL Cause for discontent, not only 
among those who have been included in this Dictionary but 
also those who have not, being probably inevitable, each of 
the Editors makes it a personal request that all celebrities 

with a grievance will call on the other. 

lb. lb. 

L. L. 

A Supplement, consisting of biographies of persons who 

have sprung to eminence while the body of this work was 

in progress, will be found at the end. 

L. L. 

S. S. 



CONTENTS. 





Pige 


Alexander, Mr. George 


- 9 


Archer, Mr. William - 


. 10 


AsTOR, Mr. W. W. - - - 


- 11 


Austin, Mr. Alfred - - 


- 12 


Balfour, Mr. A. J. - • 


- 13 


Barrie, Mr. J. M. - - 


- 16 


Beit, Mr. Alfred - - - 


- 16 


Beix, Mr. Moberly - • 


- 17 


Beresford, Lord Charles 


- 18 


Blowitz, M. de - - - 


- 19 


Caine, Mr. Hall - - - 


- 20 



CaMPBELL-B ANN RRMAN, SiR H, 21 

Carnegie, Mr. Andrew - - 23 

Cassel, Sir'E. 24 

Cecil, Lieut. 25 

Chamberlain, Mr. Joseph - 26 

Churchill, Mr. Winston - 28 

Cooper, Mr. T. S. - - - - 29 

Crewe, Lord 30 



Cromer, Lord 31 

CuRzoN, Lord 32 

French, Major-General- - 33 

Fry, Mr. C. B. - - - - - 66 

Gilbert, Mr. W. S. - - - 34 

GossE, Mr. Edmund - - - 36 

Grant-Duff, Sir M. E. - - 36 

Grey, Sir Edward - - - 37 

Harcourt, Sir William - - 38 

Harmsworth, Mr. Alfred - 39 

Heinemann, Mr. W. - - - 40 

Herkombr, Professor - - 41 

Hewlett, Mr. Maurice - - 42 

Hicks-Beach, Sir M. - - - 44 

Hope, Mr. Anthony - - - 46 

Irving, Sir Henry - - - 46 

James, Mr. Henry - - - - 47 

Jeune, Sir Francis - - - 48 

EiPLiNO, Mr. Rudyard • - 49 





Page 




Vf 


Elii'CHENER, Lord - - - 


- 50 


Rhodes/^Mr. Cecil - - 


. 67 


Labouchere, Mr. Henry 


- 51 


Roberts, Earl - - . - 


- 68 


Lang, Mr. Andrew - - 


- 52 


Rosebery, Lord - - 69, 


70,90 


Lee, Mr. Sidney - - - 


- 53 


RowTON, Lord - - - - 


- 71 


Leno, Mr. Dan - - - - 


- 64 


Salisbury, Lord - - - 


- 72 


Lewis, Sir George - - 


. 50 


Sargent, Mr. J. S. - - - 


- 73 


LiPTON, Sir Thomas - - 


- 56 


Shaw, Mr. G. B. - - - 


- 74 


Maeterlinck, M. Maurice 


. 57 


Sims, Mr. G. R. - - - 


- 75 


Morley, Mr. John - - 


- 68 


Spencer, The Hon. C. R. 


- 77 


NiooLL, Diu Robertson - 


. 69 


Strachey, Mr. St. Lok - 


- 78 


O'Connor, Mr. T. P. - - 


. 60 


Swinburne, Mr. A. C. 


- 79 


Paderewski, M. - - - 


. 61 


Tree, Mr. H. Beerbohm 


- 81 


Paul, Mr. Herbert - - 


- 62 


Wells, Mr. H. G. - - - 


- 82 


Phillips, Mr. Stephen - 


. 63 


Wood, Mr. Henry J. - - 


- 8a 


Pinero, Mr. a. W. - - 


- 66 


Wyndham, Mr. Chari.ks- 


- 84 


Ranjitsinhji, K. S. - - 


- 66 







SUPPLEMENT, 



Gillette, Mr. William - 
Morgan, Mr. Piebpont - 



87 
89 



SousA, Mk. J. p. 
Yerkes, Mk. - - 



91 
92 



LIVES OF THE 

'LUSTRIOUS. 



■ I 

« I 



MR. GEORGE ALEXANDER. 

ALEXANDER, GEORGE, Romantic Actor to the Court of St. 
James's, was bom at Hentzau, in 1868. The fetal beauty 
which has made him the idol of the feminine playgoer asserted 
itself from the first, and a succession of enamoured nursery- 
maids wore out their fresh young voices in encoring his 
simplest acts. Mr. Alexander made his first appearance at 
the T. R., Bootle, in the part of the Belvidere Apollo ; but 
he did not come to his own until the imperturbable serenity 
of Aubrey Tanqueray's well-pressed trousers enraptured the 
town. That Mr. Alexander's second name is Sampson is 
sufficiently attested by his capacity to bring down the bouse. 
His favourite recreation is mashie play on the Cromer links. 

Authority : The Tailor and Cutter. 



\) 



MR. WILLIAM ARCHER 

ARCHER, WILLIAM, Viking, was bom in 1856 in the Skjcer- 
gaard, witliin the Arctic dress Circle. Mr. Archer's sympathies 
are all ultra-Scandinavian, and nothing but a passionate interest 
in English amateur theatricals keeps him from his carriole, 
his ski, and his marine pa^dlion on the banks of the Varanger 
Fjord. Mr. Archer has a number of promising godchildren : 
Norah Helina Archer is a promising exponent of principal 
boy parts in Finland ; Peer Gynt Archer has already been 
entrusted with the rdle of an ' outside shout ' in the Trondhjem 
Panto ; Bjomstjeme Bjomson Archer is understudying Mr. 
Tree in The Last of G. Brandes ; and finally Hedda Gabler 
Archer is in training for the part of the Infant Phenomenon at 
the Bergen Tivoli. Mr. Archer has recently returned from a 
walking tour up Mount Parnassus, and has embodied the 
results in a volume which weighs 4 lb. 3 oz. It is conjectured 
that no more poetry will be written in England. Mr. Archer's 
motto is ' A Norse ! a Norse ! My kingdom for a Norse ! ' 

Authorities : Lady Warwick's From Joseph Arch to William 
Archer ; Mallet's Northern Antiguities ; Morris and Mag- 
nusson's Saga Library ; and information supplied by Mr. 
Sydney Grundy and the Editor of The World. 

10 



MR. W. W. ASTOR. 

ASTOR, WILLIAM, Briton, was bom withiii sound of Bow 
Bells in 1848, and has never since left his native country. On 
coming into possession of the CUeveden Estate, on the banks 
of the Thames, he added Walled-off to his other names. 
Owing to a curious aversion from anything suggesting stars or 
stripes, Mr. Astor is never known to lift his eyes at night, 
all the servants on his estate are restricted to check trousers, 
and eagles are peremptorily refused permission to nest in the 
Clieveden woods. In spite of numerous flattering offers. 
Mr. Astor, who is a voluminous author, refuses to contribute 
to any other periodical but the Pall Mall Magazine. 

Authorities : Walford's Covniy Families^ and Defoe's TTue- 
horn Englishman. 



II 



I' 




MR. ALFRED AUSTIN. 

AUSTIN, JELFRED, Gardener, the son of iEthelwulf, was bom 
at England's Darlington, in 871 a.d. After serving his 
apprenticeship to Sir Joseph Paxton, he burnt his cakes 
behind him and established a garden at Swinford Old Manor 
in Kent, notable for its Standard roses. Visiting South 
Africa in search of bulbs for Veronica's garden, he was impli- 
cated in the operations of the Reform Committee, and rode 
with Jameson on a Basuto Pegasus. He aftierwards set up a 
Millenary establishment at Winchester. A fashion for the 
plumage of singing birds then becoming the vogue, the result 
was that, in Mr. Austin's own happy phrase, ' the lark went 
up' — to a positively fabulous price. A recent application 
made by Mr. Austin to the Ashford magistrates for a poetic 
licence was unanimously granted amid rounds of Kentish fire. 

Authorities : The Garden thai T Love, The Saxon Chronicle^ 
Irving's Tales of the Alhambra, and information from the 
Editor of The Times. 



12 



MR. A. J. BALFOUR. 

BALFOUR, The Right Hon. ARTHUR JAMES, Pro- 
fessor of the Royal and Ancient Pastime, was bom at St. 
Andrew's, in the year 1848, and after prolonged studies under 
Dr. Tom Morris, was admitted to links at the early age of 37. 
After several years of unremitting exertion, he was promoted to 
be a first-class caddie, and on the recommendation of Mr. Andrew 
Kirkaldy , was oifered a seat in the Cabinet with a handicap of 
8. Since Mr. Balfour's entrance into Parliament, it has been 
calculated that the number of golf clubs in the United 
Kingdom has increased tenfold, while the consumption of sloe 
^in has advanced 76 per cent. In consideration of these 
services to the commerce and morality of the country, Mr. 
Balfour was elected to the Royal Society and the President- 
ship of the National Cyclists' Union. His publications, which 
are very numerous, include : Is Christian Science a Cure for 
Foozling? a Reply to Mrs. Eddy (in collaboration with Pro- 
fessor Driver) ; On the Relative Merits of the Aluminium and 
the Bimetallic Putter ; On the Failure to Replace Divots as a 
Factor in the Present Agricultural Depression ; A Refutation 
of the Pre-Socratic Mcucim, ' The Half is Better than the Hole;^ 
Were Three-Ball Matches First Played in Lomhardy ? (a 

lecture delivered before the Jewish Working Men's Institute, 

13 



MR. A. J. BALFOUR. 

Finsbury Park) ; and On the Use of Phenacetin as a Sedative 
before Match Play (Presidential Address to the Pharmaceutical 
Society). Mr. Balfour, who is a remarkably abstemious man, 
prefers a high tee to a late dinner, and never reads a news- 
paper. His clubs are too numerous to mention in detail, the 
most favourite being Taylor's Mashie, the AthenaBum, the 
Short Spoon, the Carlton, and the Niblick, and he is occa- 
sionally to be seen in the House of Commons. 

Authorities : Information supplied by Mr. John Ball, 
junior, the Right Hon. Harry Vardon, K.T., and Sir Benjamin 
Sayers, M.P. for North Berwick ; also The Child's Guide to 
Knowledqe. 



14 



MR. J. M. BARRIB. 

BARRIE, JAMES MATTHEW, demon bowler, was bom at 
Thrums in 1860. Cricket was his passion almost from the 
cradle, and he quickly established a pitch in the paternal 

• 

kailyard. The unpronounceable dialect used by his honest 

Caledonian neighbours when hitting him for six is still among 

his most cherished memories. At an early age Mr. Barrie 

moved to Wardour Street, where he set up a tobacconist's 

shop ; but his favourite pastime becoming too urgent, he 

soon returned to it entirely. Mr. Barriers bowling analysis for 

tlie past five years gives the astonishing figures : — 
Overs. Maidens. Runs. Wickets. 

2345 1 38,007 3 

The tedium of the winter months is spent by Mr. Barrie 
in oiling his bat and writing novels, some of which are said 
to have been published. In recognition of these efforts Mr. 
Barrie was presented by the Athenaeum Club (under Rule 66) 
with a Nicoll-moimted pipe. During the present fogs he 
* is collaborating with Messrs. Salmon and Gluckstein in a 
new drama for Mr. Frohman, entitled Tlie Snake Charmer ; 
or, The Widow's Weeds. 

Authorities : Lillywhite's Scores and Biogi^aphies ; Ran- 
jitsinhji's Jubilee Book of Cricket ; Sidney's Arcadia. 

15 



I- . 



c: 



MR. ALFRED BEIT. 

BEIT, ALFRED, BuUionaire, was bom in Park Lane in 1850, 
and earned the D.S.O. for his gallantry in the Matabele war, 
when he commanded the Kohinoor on the first waters of the 
Limpopo River, successfiiUy raised the blockade of Buluwayo, 
and captured the De Beers laager in the Pilsenerberg. In 
1900 he was elevated to the peerage imder the title of Baron 
Beit of Benin and the Gold Coast, and the degree of B.D.A. 
(Beyond the Dreams of Avarice) was conferred on him by the 
Kaffir University. Club : Boodle's. 

Authority : Mr. Markhavis History. 



16 



MR. MOBERLY BELL. 

BELL, CHARLES F. MOBERLY, Encyclopaedist, and 
Manager of The Times, was bom at Bronte in 1847, and 
settled in Egypt. Migrating from Cairo to Printing House 
Square in 1890, he was struck on the voyage by the rolling 
of the vessel, and on inquiring the cause learned that it was 
due to defective ballast. Mr. Bell, always of an ingenious 
turn of mind — ^he is credited with the invention of the 
Belleville boiler— bent his thoughts to remedjdng the existing 
quality of ballast, and the result was the re-issue, in enormous 
quantities, of the Encyclopcedia Britannica. For this service to 
navigation he received the thanks of Parliament. His address 
is : Jupiter Villa, Bolt Court. 

Authorities : Shaw On Thunderbolts^ La Donna e Moherly. 



17 



B 



LORD CHARLES BERESFORD. 

BERESFORD, Rear- Admiral Lord CHARLES WILLIAM 
DE LA POER, Handy Andyman, was bom in the cradle of 
the deep, m 1846. Intended for diplomacy by his parents, he 
ran away to sea while still in long clothes, and has been there 
ever since, except for visits to Sandringham and the House of 
Commons. From the bridge of the Condor he conducted the 
bombardment of Alexandria in 1882, and nothing but the 
inferior quality of steel used in English battleships has de- 
terred him from ending the Boer War by ordering full steam 
ahead and ramming South Africa. His gallantry at Trafalgar 
is a proverb, and no one gave severer chase to the galleons of 
the Armada. A recent medical examination revealed the fact 
that Lord Charles Beresford's heart consists entirely of the 
best oak. In 1898-99 he took a holiday from the sea in order 
to visit America and China in a starring tour, and the book, 
without which he could not honourably have returned, weighs 
at least as much as that of any other writer. 

Authorities : The works of Dibdin ; Paddy at Sea. 



18 



M. DE BLOWITZ. 

BLOWITZ " HENRI GEORGES STEPHANE ADOLPHE 
OPPER DE, Last of the Olympians, was bom at the 
Chateau de Blowitz, at Pilsen, in 1832. Recognising his 
destiny at an early age, he cultivated while still at school 
those ambrosial whiskers behind which he has so often success- 
fiilly entrenched himself, and made the grand tour of Europe 
and the Scilly Isles when only sixteen. By an unhappy mis- 
chance M. de Blowitz frittered away some moments of his 
valuable time in inventing a wool-carding [machine, fix)m 
the teeth of which he was rescued just in time by Mr. 
Moberly Bell, and transferred to the staif of The Thunderer. 
From that hour to [this he has been at home on page 5 of that 
paper every morning, suppljdng all its lightning by private 
wire. M. de Blowitz's Paris residence, the Chateau Patmos, 
is placed en rapport with every European Cabinet by a com- 
plicated intelligence system of his own devising, enabling hun 
at any moment to supply his organ with the text of treaties 
before they are drafted. Were war declared against England 
it is calculated that M. de Blowitz could put 4000 columns at 
her service. M. de Blowitz has interviewed Bismarck in hie 
bath, the Emperor of Germany without a uniform, and the 
late M. Gambetta in a balloon. It is his fondest boast that 
the crowned heads of Europe pass his door on tiptoe. 

Authorities : De Blowitz's Oppera Omnia, Bell's Elocutionist. 

19 







MR. HALL CAINE. 

CAINE, THOMAS HALL, M.H.K.. Theologian and Manx 
Legislator, was born at Birchington in 1853, where one of 
his earliest feats was to discover Rossetti. It is true that 
while at school he was a champion in the three-legged race ; 
but it cannot be maintained that he carries his Manx 
proclivities so far as to have no tale : on the contrary, the 
contention has been set up by Miss Corelli, a gifted critic, 
that he has too many. For the services rendered to the 
Vatican by Mr. Caine's Eternal City — a Jesuit tract in dis- 
guise — the Pope made him a Count of the Holy Roman 
Empire. Mr. Caine's resemblance to Shakespeare is bo 
striking that on his landing at New York, on a religious 
trip to America, the late Ignatius Donnelly, a total stranger, 
addressed him as * Lord Bacon, I presume.' Mr. Caine now 
lives at Greeba Castle, where his windows have recently been 
doubled in order to shut out the booming of the Atlantic, which 
otherwise he considers a satisfactory ocean. The abnormal 
heat of the past few summers has been generally attributed 
to the fact that Mr. Caine chooses August as his publishing 
month, Mr. Caine's favoiuite composer is Archangelo Corelli. 

Authorities : Information from Leo XIII., Victor Emmanuel 

II., Mr. W. Heinemann, Messrs. Romeike and Curtice, and 

Miaa Marie Corelli, whose motto is ' Cave Cainem.' 

^0 



SIR H. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN. 

CAMPBELL ) , ^,, 

_ > Sir henry, twins, were bom in Forfar- 

BANNERMAN ) 

shire in 1836, c.b. After «in excellent schooling in dichotomy, 
and book-keeping by double entry, Campbell went to 
the University of Glasgow, while Bannerman entered simul- 
taneously at Trinity College, Cambridge, both taking double 
firsts. Entering Parliament in 1868, Campbell became 
Financial Secretary to the War Office, while his twin held 
the post of Secretary to the Admiralty. On the retirement 
of Sir William Harcourt in 1899 Campbell-Bannerman were 
elected to the joint-leadership of the Liberal Party in 
the House of Commons, and aroused great enthusiasm by 
setting to music and singing as a duet Bannerman's famous 
dictum : ' We must not be too forward, we need not be too 
rash.' In its completed and antiphonal form, the war-cry 
now runs : — 

CampbeU. — Though pro and anti-Boerward, 

We never really clash. 
Bannermai — We must not be too forward ; 

We need not be too rash. 

Subsequently, after a stormy scene in the House, when 
nothing but their hyphen kept them from blows, they went 
into different lobbies, and have since lost all confidence in 



21 



SIR H. CAMPBELL-BANNER MAN. 

each other's opinions. In figure Campbell and Bannennan 
are very much alike, especially Campbell. They live in 
adjoining semi-detached villas in Dublin. 

Authorities : For Campbell, The Scottish Chiefs, by Jane 
Porter. For Bannennan, The Flags of All Nations^ and 
Grant's Standard Bearers. For both, Janus on the Hyphen, 
Hansard passim^ and llie Heavenly Ticins 



22 



MR. ANDREW CARNEGIE. 

CARNEGIE, ANDREW BODLEY , Mattre de Forges, was bom 
at John o' Groats, in 1837, and leaving Scotland with the 
proverbial half-crown, he settled at Pittsburg, and placing 
the coin beneath the Nasmyth steam hammer, enlarged it to a 
dollar. Upon this slender foundation he amassed his com- 
fortable independence, and returned to Great Britain in a 
four-in-hand with 40,000,000/. and the finest collection of 
begging letters in the world. As a successful contractor, Mr. 
Carnegie is a strong anti-expansionist, while as the champion 
founder of Free Libraries, he has done more to promote the 
perusal of fiction than Messrs. Mudie. To counteract this taste, 
however, he has devoted two millions to the endowment of 
higher education in Scotland, the result of which is expected 
to be an indefinite multiplication of kailyard * idylls.' Mr. 
Carnegie, having sold Pittsburg to Mr. Pierpont Morgan, 
no longer takes delight, he has said, in anything but Shake- 
peare, Passmore Edwards, and Wagner. 

Authorities : The Irmmaster, The Almighty Dollar, The 
Best Books. 



28 



II 



SIR E. CASSEL. 

CASSEL, Sir ERNEST WINDSOR, was bom in King Solo^ 
mon's Mines in 1852, and educated at Cologne under 
Professor Johann Maria Farina, the eminent hydrographer, 
where he speedily took his place among the Cassels of 

• the Rhine, After enjojring the Barmecide hospitality of his 
relatives in Spain for several years, he fitted out a costly 
Armada, and after untold privations on the coast of Golconda 

" discovered Sandringham. As a musical Maecenas Sir 
Ernest has few superiors, his name is a household word in 
the Shires, and his favourite hunter is an Arab bred from an 
Assouan dam. 

Authorities : Kings I have Casseled ; Lucas and Aird on 
the Nile. 



24 



LIEUT. CECIL, 

CECIL, Lieut., Benedick, Married Minor, was bom in 
Chancery Lane in 1882, and was decorated on the field of 
battle in October, 1901, for the gallantry displayed in a 
stubbornly-contested engagement maintained single-handed 
against great odds in Belfast, Glasgow, and the Metropolis. 
His motto is, ' Love laughs at Woolsacks.' 

Authority : Bain's Logic. 



V.h 



MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. 

CHAMBERLAIN, The Right Hon. JOSEPH, Progressive 
Politician, was bom in 1836. As to the precise spot of his 
birth the best authorities differ. According to Ossian, it took 
place in * the horrid circle of Brumo, where the ghosts of the 
dead howl round the stone of their fear.' Dickens, on the 
other hand, with whom Mr. Chamberlain is very closely 
acquainted, states positively in Bleak House that Jo was bom 
in one of the back slums of London, called Tom- All- Alone's, 
subsequently taking service (see Pickwick) as page-boy in the 
house of the Wardles. Here he suddenly developed so 
astounding an obesity that it was only by the most rigorous 
dietary that he ultimately reduced himself to his present 
slender and el^ant proportions. Being a Bright boy, with a 
passion for private theatricals, Mr. Chamberlain was soon seen 
on the stage of the Empire. According to the account of 
• Historicus,' he scaled the heights of Quebec, was dangerously 
woimded on the Plains of Abraham, fought as a powder- 
monkey at Trafalgar, discovei-ed Australia, Cjrprus, New- 
foundland, and the Bahamas, and took a back seat in Mr. 
Rhodes's apple-cart on the memorable ride to Krugersdorp. 
On his return from the grand tour, Mr. Chamberlain entered 

26 



MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. 

Parliament as the representative of the Orchidney Islands, and 
though many years have since elapsed he is still regarded with 
indescribable affection by his early political associates, while 
his popularity (as an effigy) on the Continent, especially in 
Germany, is second only to that of Lord Kitchener. Mr. 
Chamberlain, whose favourite occupation is that of reconciling 
parallel passages in his speeches, takes no exercise, but it is 
rumoured that after witnessing Mr. Balfour negotiate a bad 
lie on the links with a long spoon, he has b^un to think 
seriously of tackling the Russian ' Bogey.' His motto is : 
' lo tnumphe' 

Authorities : Monarchs I have Met, Presidents I have only 
Paitly Met, Jesse^s Memoirs, and The Maltese Cross. 



27 




MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL. 

CHURCHILL, WINSTON, Unknown Quantity, was bom at 
Chatteris in 1874, and educated at Marlborough. After 
serving with the Spanish forces in Cuba, and controlling the 
Soudan campaign, he exchanged the tame security of a soldier's 
life for the deadly perils of a special correspondent's, and 
visiting South Africa for The Moiming Post^ was imprisoned 
at Pretoria. During his incarceration he committed the 
whole of Gibbon to heart, decided to enter Parliament, and 
filmed his first Budget. He then escaped on a coal truck to 
Delagoa Bay, and passed a night in a wood with a vulture, 
who took him for the American eagle in disguise. Mr. 
Churchill has since attained in America a gigantic circulation 
as a novelist, but the theory has been put forward that the 
novels in question are written by another person of the same 
name. It seems, however, impossible that the world can 
contain two Winston Churchills at the same time. 

Authorities : Southey's After Blenheim ; The Anglo-Saxon ; 
The Boy : What mil he Become ? and information from the 
Delagoa Bay Railway officials, the Vulture, and the Duke of 
Marlborough. 



28 



MR. T. S. COOPER, R.A. 

COOPER, THOMAS SIDNEY, artist, was bom at Cowes in 
1803. All went well with the child until he was vaccinated. 
Up to that time he had been normal and happy ; but no 
sooner did the vaccine enter his system than he evinced an 
irresistible impulse, which at the age of ninety-eight is still 
paramount, to draw cows, Mr. Cooper was made an R.A. 
soon after the Battle of Waterloo, and he has delighted 
English picture- lovers by contributing his eight canvases to 
the annual exhibition ever sLuce. Mr. Cooper is said to 
achieve the extraordinary polish for which his painting is 
noted, by mixing his colours with a blend of Bovril, Lemco, 
and Vimbos. He now resides at The Ranche, Oxford. His 
motto is, ' Rejoice, yoimg man, in thy youth.' 

Authorities : John Bull and his Island ; The Purple Cow. 



29 



LORD CREWE. 

CREWE, ROBERT OFFLEY ASHBURTON CREWE- 
MILNES, First Earl, Polite Letter Writer, was bom on the 
lower slopes of Parnassus in 1859. OriginaUy distinguished 
as the son of Monckton-Milnes, he has latterly, after contracting 
a Primrose league, risen to fresh eminence as the son-in-law 
of Lord Rosebery. Afflicted in youth with acute hereditary 
literaturitis, Lord Crewe after bravely struggling against the 
complaint has at length succumbed to the last infirmity of 
noble minds — the passion for Avriting letters to The Times. 
Lord Crewe who, like his father-in-law the solitary plough- 
man, was educated at Harrow, owns 25,000 acres and 32,000 
volumes. 

Authorities : The Creweian Orations. 



30 



LORD CROMER. 

CROMER, EVELYN BARING, First Earl, Rameses Redivivus, 
was bom at Gaza in 1841. Attracting notice when a mere 
Woolwich infant, Captain Baring went to Egypt from India, 
and for the last twenty years has exerted an influence on the 
Nile second only to that of Thomas Cook & Sons. Origi- 
nally inclined to be somewhat overbearing, he is now so far 
mellowed by success as to incur the charge of positively 
spoiling the Egyptians, The favourite poet of Cromer is 
Homer. He is also a Shakespearean, his principal quotations 
being from the Comedy of Errors^ ' Go call the Abbas hither,' 
and from Henry K., 'La plus belle Katharine du monde.' 

Authority : Captain Hayes on the value of the Baring 
Reign. 



31 



LORD CURZON. 

CURZON OF KEDLESTON, Prince, Viceroy of India, was 
bom in the purple in 1859. At Eton he gained the prize for 
history, languages, good conduct, and omniscience, and was 
recommended for the Mastership of Balliol, to which he was 
elected in 1880, succeeding Lord Salisbury as Minister for 
Foreign Affairs in 1895. After exploring Baluchistan, the 
Great Sahara, and the North Pole, and writing a series of 
folios on each, he was, at the .advanced age of thirty-nine, 
having exhausted all other experiences, reduced to accepting 
the Viceroyalty of India. Immediately on landing, he created 
a new province in order to have something fresh to explore. 
It has been said that if Buddha is the Light of Asia, Lady 
Curzon is its Leiter. 



Authority : Wallace's Prince of India. 



32 



MAJOR-GENERAL FRENCH. 

FRENCH, Majok-General Sir JOHN DENTON PINK- 
STONE, Centaur, General Commanding the First Army 
Corps at Aldershot, was born in the pigskin, in 1852, and 
has never since left it. His cavahy charges in South Afiica 
may be heard on a still night in Hyde Park, so terrific are 
they, and Sir John French is said to be the only English 
officer that can cause an accelerated movement of De Wet's 
heart. Sir John, however, like Mark Twain, has as yet been 
unable to cope successfully with Christian's science. As soon 
as he can be spared, he will return to take up his post at 
Aldershot, into which he was spatchcocked a month or so ago. 
His mottoes are : Moblesse oblige^ and ' There's luck in 
horseshoes.' 

Authorities : Our New Mobiliiy^ Cavalleria Rusiicana^ and. 
Captain Swift. 



33 



MR. W. S. GILBERT, 

GILBERT, WILLIAM SCHWENCK, President of the Society 
for the Discouragement of Litigation, was bom in the Pacific 
in 1886, So gentle has been his nature fix)m the very first, 
that it is often said that even a child may criticise him. 
Mr. Gilbert, in the course of his researches as a student of 
amenities, discovered a charming form of anodjoie for life's 
worries, entitled Savoy Opera. Having amassed a large 
fortune by his rights in this confection, Mr. Gilbert now 
resides in rural and magisterial felicity at Brantinghame 
Hall, Harrow, where he varies his repose by occasional con- 
versations with the interviewer of the Pall Mali Magazine 
{see Archsr, William), and playful letters of congratula- 
tion to Mr. Clement Scott on the recurring anniversaries of 
that gentleman's auspicious birth. Mr. Gilbert, who was 
called the English Aristophanes by the Quarterly Review^ has 
such a high opinion of the standard of Mr. Bumand-the 
Molifere of journalists, as he calls him — ^that he has never 
ventured to submit even his choicest sallies to the editor of 
Punch ; or^ The London ffari-Kari. 

Authorities : Lang's Gross Mythj Ritual and Religion ; 
Chronicles of the House of Savoy. 

34 



MR. EDMUND GOSSE^ 

OOSSE, EDMUND, Dictator and Literary Chaperon, was 
bom at Churton-on-Trent in 1 849, He entered the Board of 
Trade at an early age, and has made translations of Ibsen, 
Obsen, and Dobsen, to the surprise and delight of successive 
Permanent Secretaries. His latest work is entitled Hippo- 
dromia ; or^ the Gods in Cranboum Street 

Authorities : Collins's Ephemera Critica and Ode to the 
Passions. 



85 




StR M. E. GRANT-DUFF. 

DUFF, Right Hon. Sib MOIINTSTUART ELPHINSTONE 
GRANT, Bon-motorist, was bom in Joe Miller's Dale, Derby- 
shire, in 1829. After a careful training in mnemonics, under 
Professor Loisette, he was articled to an anecdotist and 
began the real business of his life as a breakfaster-out. Now 
and then Sir Mountstuart, in his search for bons mots of rarer 
flavour, has resided abroad, and for a while he even consented 
to govern Madras in the hope that he might curry favour 
with the neighbouring Rajahs in their anecdotage. Sir 
Mountstuart, who by his unfailing productivity as a diarist 
has illustrated one phase of perpetual motion, is passionately 
addicted to botany, and in default of a more sympathetic 
audience, has sat for hours beneath the shade of the talking 
chestnut, replying to the whisper of its leaves. His mottoes 
are, ' Half a mot,' and * Lay on, Grant Duff/ 

Authorities: Roe's Opening of the Chestnut Burr; The 
World of Wit and Bumour. 



86 



SIR EDWARD GREY. 

GREY, Sir EDWARD, M.P., was bom under the sign of Pisces 
at Walton in 1862, and first felt the rod at Winchester. At 
Oxford, where he studied the works of Tennison under 
Professors Tompkins, George Lambert, and Peter Latham, 
Sir Edward showed a fine force and on entering the House 
of Commons in 1885, instinctively took up his stand imder 
the grille. Though fond at times of a long rest Sir Edward 
Grey has proved himself a hard-working administrator, 
and on the strength of his vigorous railroad service, was 
recently appointed a Director of the North Eastern. Poli- 
tically, Sir Edward Grey, in company with Mr. Asquith, 
Mr. Haldane. and Sir Henry Fowler, has latterly shown a 
decided leaning towards the Harris Tweed party, but in 
earlier days his epitaph was composed by Mr. Gladstone 
in the following terms : — 

Behold our Grey, the dry-fly King 

Whose word the world relies on : 
He never said a foolish thing, 

Nor did he an unwise one. 

AuthoritieB : Praed's Grey Fishef^man ; The Life of 

Henry the Fowler; Somerville's The Chase; V Affaire 

Dreyflyfus. 

87 



SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT. 

HARCOURT, Right Hon. Sir WILLIAM VERNON, Fireside 
Philosopher and Lost Leader, was bom at Trim, in 1827, and 
educated at Trinity College, Cambridge, where he took high 
honours in ornamental objurgation, Church history, and 
jurisprudence (first class in Jus Hibemicuni). Sir William, 
who entered Parliament in 1868, and was a Derby winner in 
1880, took to gymnastics in 1885, and after a prolonged diet 
of Irish stew, was admitted into the company of whal Mr. 
Frank Hugh O'Donnell, describing the Irish leaders, has called 
the * Bounding Brothers of the Circulating Hat.' Ten years 
after being nationalised at Donnybrook, Sir William invaded 
Wales and captured Monmouth, but has latterly abandoned 
politics for religion, and joined the jstafF of The Times j where 
he threatens to surpass even M. de Blowitz in exuberant 
prolixity. Sobered by advancing years. Sir William Harcourt 
is now devoting his energies entirely to the reform of Church 
discipline, beginning with the Vicar of Wakefield. His motto 
is : * England expects every man some day to pay his Death 
Duties.' 

Authorities : Jumbo : The Last Phase, by A. R. ; The 
Primrose Path, or The Eternal Bonfire, by W. V. H. 

38 



MR. ALFRED HARMSWORTH. 

HARMSWORTH, ALFRED CHARLES, Chauffeur to the 
Empire, and Autocarat of the Breakfaat Table, was bom 
in Corsica in 1865, and commenced Editor at the same 
age as Mr. Kipling. Mr. Harmsworth, who is the eldest 
of sixteen Corsican brothers, all of them editors of halfpenny 
papers, and Imperialist- Liberal M.P/§, fomided the Daily 
Mailstrom in 1896, declared war on the Boers in 1899, and 
deposed the Chinese Emperor in 1900. Owing to hia 
extraordinary likeness to Napoleon L, Mr. Harmsworth 
has been forbidden by a special decree of the Chamber to 
enter France, but consorts freely with all the crowned 
heads of the continent, a passing friction with the Kaisers- 
owing to the notorious Kruger telegram — ha^dng been 
satisfactorily adjust^. Motto : * The panting Times toils 
after me in vain.* 

Authorities: The God in the Motor-car; Napoleon: the 
last Phase. 



39 



-% 

-« 



MR. W. HEINEMANN. 

HEIXEMANN, WILLIAM, Publisher, was born at Greeba, in 
the Isle of Man, and educated at Mill Hill, where among 
his schoolfellows was Mr. A. P. Watt. The two 
boys soon became inseparable ; more than once they saved 
each others' lives ; and the finendship which then began grows 
stronger with every year. Mr. Heinemann's enterprise as a 
publisher stops only at his own dramas, which have been 
issued from the Bodley Head. 

Authorities : Information supplied by Messrs. Hall Caine, 
John Lane, and the Queen of Greeba. 



40 



PROFESSOR HERKOMER. 

HERKOMER, Professor HUBERT, R.A., Universal Genius, 
was bom on the Line in 1849, and at an early age founded 
the Pantechnicological Academy at Bushey. Professor 
Herkomer's versatility is best illustrated in his recreations, 
which include operatic composition ; brass-work ; fishing 
(Hon. Fellow of All Soles) ; curling (President of the 
Kyrle Society) ; throwing the boomerang (Captain of the 
Aboriginal Pingo-Pongo tenm) ; and fiction (Author of Tlie 
Woman in White). Mr. Whistler, no mean judge, has 
maintained that the Professor ranks higher than either 
Sir Joshua Reynolds or Handel : his music }3eing better 
than Reynolds's and his painting than Handel's. The 
Professor's motto is : Anch' io son pittore. 

Authority : Boothby's Bushiifram-n. 



41 



MR. MAURICE HEWLETT. 

DE HEWLETT, Stb MAURICE, Crusader and Chronicler, was 
bom at the Old Tabard in 1076, and educated at Oxenford, 
where he was one of the most promising pupils of the famous 
tutor, D. Cameron. On leaving Oxenford, he travelled 
abroad, and came under the influence of Peter the Hermit* 
Returning from the Third Crusade, in which he had fought 
with Bohemond of Tarentum, he endured numerous hardsliips^ 
and lived for upwards of a year in the shelter of an earthwork 
in Tuscany, on nothing but pilgrim's whey. On reaching 
England, he was knighted by Richard Coeur de Lion, ^yr 
Maurice De Hewlett's place, contrary to promise, not having 
been kept open during his absence at the Front, he had 
perforce to take to the pen for a livelihood, and pro- 
duced a succession of books of the kind that Mr. Frederic 
Harrison finds superior to all others. The enormous 
revenue accruing to De Hewlett from the sale of his 
romances enabled him to buy up the New Forest and build 
in the midst of it a feudal castle, strongly fortified against 
American pirates, the servitors in which are either youths 
disguisecT as young women, or young women disguised as 
youths. Secure in this fastness, De Hewlett wrote The 

Canterbury Ta/es, under the pseudonym of Geoflrey Chaucer^ 

42 



MR. MAURICE HEWLETT. 

and, it is believed, assisted Boccaccio in his equally famous 
work. By virtue of his extraordinary circulation De Hewlett 
still survives, and is still busy. His favourite recreations are 
the tournament, and playing cricket for the Sieur de Barriers 
eleven. 

Authorities : Hallam's Middle Ages ; Heeren's Essay an 
(he Influence of the Cn^ades; Skeat's Chaucer; Symonds' 
B^aissance in Italy ; Macmillan's Autumn Announcements ; 
and information from Mr. A. P. Watt* 



43 



SIR M. HiCKS-BEAGH. 

HICKS-BEACH, The Right Hon. Sir MICHAEL, O.H.M.S., 
•Coin Manipulator, was bom in the One-and- Twopenny Tube 
in the 3'e;ir 1836 and early apprenticed to Blondin, from whom 
he acquired a complete mastery of balancing. By way of 
testing his notorious equanimity Sir Michael for a while held 
the Chief Secretaryship of Ireland, where his inflexibility elicited 
the following testimonial from the late Lord Morris : * They 
called Lowther " Jimmy " when he was here. Bedad, Vd like 
to see the man that would attimpt to call Hicks-Beach 
"Micky ! '" Entrusted with the keeping of the National 
Purse in 1895, Sir Michael, who is now the Father of the 
House, has for the last three years been raising the wind and 
wfiging war on the Christmas Boxers. But his great achieve- 
ment has been to reduce the sovereign to eighteen and 
tenpence, and to render those who are supposed to be comfort- 
ably off extremely imcomfortable. His motto is (from Omar 
Khayyam) : — 

* Ah, give the cash, and let the credit grow, 
And heed the rumble of a distant drum/ 

Authorities : The Young Too: Collector ; All Baba and 
the Fourteen Pence. 



44 



MR. ANTHONY HOPE. 

HOPE, ANTHONY, senior partner in Hope Brothers, Hosiers 
to the Court of Hentzau, who derives his decent from a noble 
family in Ruritania ( hence his pseudonym ' the Chevalier 
Hawkins'), was bom at DoUis Hill in 1863. After a 
distinguished career at Oxford he threw himself with great 
energy into politics, and wrote the Dolly Dialogues for Mr. 
Labouchere's Toy Show at the Albert Hall. He subsequently 
invented and patented the Zenda Vesta or Runaway Match 
which, dramatised by Mesdames Bryant and £dna May, has 
brought him in a large fortune, a portion of which he has 
invested in the purchase of the famous Hope diamond, 
Mr. Hawkins, who bears a striking resemblance to Dante, 
nnd weighs 156 lbs., has lectured in America under the 
iegis of Major Pond. His motto is : ' Beautiful Anthony 
Hope is read ' — (Browning). 

Authorities: The Anchor* s Weighed; The Chronicles of 
Count Antonio. 



45 



SIR HENRY IRVING. 

IRVING, Sir HENRY WASHINGTON, American Actor, was 
born at Boston, in 1838. Sir Henry, who is known in his 
own country as Colonel Irving, has occasionally visited 
England, but has so great an objection to performing out of 
America, that only mere glimpses of him have been obtained 
here. On one of his brief trips to London, however, the 
opportunity was found to make him a Knight, and the few 
performances in which he was then seen filled all English 
playgoers with the desire to know more of his superlative 
gifts. Su* Henry Irving is perhaps better known by his 
books, especially Bracebridge Hall and Rip Van Winkle. His 
son, Mr. H. B. Irving, the distmguished crhninologist and 
Lombroso of the footlights, is now playing the principal part 
at the St. James's in his brother's play. The Likeness to the 
Knight. Sir Henry's motto is ' Hail, Columbia ! ' 

Authorities : ITie Atlantic Ocean^ or The Sundering Flood ; 
Stoker on the Campania ; Frohman's Fatal Fascination. 



46 



MR. HENRY JAMES. 

JAMES, HENRY, Six -Shilling SenflationaliBt, was bom at 
Hangman's Gulch, Arizona, in 1843. This favourite author, 
whose works are famous for their blunt, almost brutal direct- 
ness of style, and naked realism, passed his early years 
before the mast, and is believed at one period of his career to 
have sailed under the skull and crossbones. Mr Henry 
James, on settling on shore, turned to the pen for a livelihood, 
and under a variety of pseudonyms produced in rapid suc- 
session a large number of exciting stories, the most popular 
of which are probably The Master Christian^ The Red Rat's 
Daughter^ The Mystery of a Hansom Cab. The Eternal City^ 
and The Visits of Elizabeth. 

Authorities : Jacobite Papers ; Daisy and Maisie, or The 
Two Mad Chirks. 



47 




SIR FRANCIS JEUNE. 

JEUNE, Right Hon. Sir FRANCIS HENRY, President of 
the Admiralty and Divorce Court, was bom at Gretna Gi^een 
in 1843. To fit him for his destiny he was first sent to sea, 
where he quickly mastered the whole duty of a sailor, except 
for a curious inability to splice. On leaving the sea he 
took a return ticket to Heaven, where marriages are made, 
and his practical education being thus completed, proceeded to 
London to study law. In both departments of his Court 
Sir Francis Jeune»is brilliantly eflScient ; and he has been 
known to untie couples at the rate of twenty knots an 
hour. It is hinted in literary circles that Sir Francis 
Jeune is the real author of An Englishwoman s Love-letters. 
a labour for which his daily avocation pre-eminently fitted 
him. His motto : * Butt me no Butts.' 

Authority : Hannen on the United States. 



48 



MR. RUDYARD KIPLING. 

KIPLTNG, RUDYARD, Poet Laureate and Recruiting Ser- 
geant, was bom all over the world, some eighteen years ago. 
After a lurid infancy at Westward Ho ! in the company of 
Stalky So Co., he emigrated to India at the age of six, and 
swallowed it whole. • In the following year the British 
Empire was placed in his charge, and it is still there. A 
misgiving that England may have gone too fiir in the matter 
of self-esteem having struck him in 1897, he wrote *The 
Recessional, ' but there are signs that he has since forgotten 
it. Mr. Kipling is the only young literary man of eminence 
who has never lectured for Major Pond ; but one never knows 
one's destiny, and the Major still hopes. Meanwhile he lives 
in Cape Colony, which is a suburb of Rottingdean, and at 
intervals puts forth a fascinating book, or a moral essay in 
The Times. His stories have a great popularity, and his 
poems are in the repertory of every volunteer ; but it is by 
his masterly lyric, ' Pay, pay, pay,' that he holds his place in 
the great heart of the people, who are still paying and seem 
likely to continue to do so {see Hicks-Beach). 

Authorities : The Wise Men of the East ; Annals of the 
Palace Theatre. 

49 D 



LORD KITCHENER. 

KITCHENER, HORATIO HERBERT, of Khartoum, first 
Baron, was bom in 1850 at Mobile, and after surveying 
Palestine and Cyprus settled in Egypt, where he served 
under General Winston Churchill in the River war. After 
being employed for a while as chef at the Nelson Hotel, Cape 
Town, where he assumed the name Horatio, he was despatched 
to the Transvaal to sweep up the crumbs. He has recently 
adopted as the mottoes for his sixty-nine columns : ' Chi va 
piano va insano,' and ' Non kitcheners sed Kitchener,' and 
is affectionately alluded to by Mr. Leonard Courtney as 
* Little Kitch.' 

Authorities : The Iron Hand ; Cook's Egypt. 



50 



MR. HENRY LABOUCHERE. 

LABOUCHERE, GEORGE WASHINGTON, Huguenot 
Preacher, was bom in Little Britain, in 1831, and besieged in 
Paris in 1871. Returned for Northampton by the shoe trade, 
who make all but Hessian footgear, Mr. Labouchere has 
distinguished himself for the last twenty years as a Parlia- 
mentary freebooter. In consideration of his early achievements 
in the diplomatic service, he was offered the post of Ambas- 
sador at Constantinople by Lord Rosebery in 1893, but declined 
the honour on the groimd that, as editor of Truthy he could 
not *lie abroad for the good of his country.' Under his 
pseudonym of * Screwtator,' Mr. Labouchere is now engaged 
on a life of Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. 

Authorities : Hessays and Reviews ; Memorials of Queen 
Anne^s Gate; La Pouphy at the Albert Hall. 



51 






MR. ANDREW LANG. 

LANG, ANDREW, the Prismatic Fairy King, was bom in the 
Grolf Stream in 1844, and shortly after his election as honorary 
fellow of Sandford and Merton College, emigrated to the 
Southern Pacific, where he resided for several years, conducting 
investigations into the primitive culture of the aborigines, his 
sojourn being commemorated in the touching chanson^ 
* Maori had a little Lang.' Returning from Samoa, where 
his brindled hair was much admired by Tusitala, Mr. Lang 
established a company at St. Andrew's for the promotion of 
ballades, rondeaus, teetotems, pickles, Rider Haggard, shilling 
shockers, translations, leaders, criticism, epics, and other 
tropical and Jacobite bric-a-bi^ac. In addition to all the daily 
papers, Mr. Lang writes regularly for the following journals : 
The Rocky The Economist, The Statist, The Exchange and Mart, 
Answers, Cricket, Golf Illustrated, The Rod and Gun, Home 
Chat, Myrds Jommaly The Golden Penny, The Broad An^ow, 
and The^ War Cry. 

Authorities : The Titular Spectrum Analysis, Whiteley on 
the Haggis. 



52 



MR. SIDNEY LEE. 

LEE, SIDNEY, Cryptogrammatiet, was bom in Venilam 
Buildings, Gray's Inn, in 1859. He is reported to have said 
at the age of three, ' Donnelly's theory was rash, but mine 
shall be rasher.' Hence it is that when Mr. Lee set to work, 
he went further than most Baconians ; he maintained that 
Shakespeare's work ie not merely Bacon's, but Bacon and 
Greene's. His Life of Bacon (1898), brought him much 
&me, and is still being re-issued in a variety of editions, 
including a version in words of one syllable for the nursery. 
Mr. Lee is the editor of the most serious imitation and rival 
of the present work — 77ie Dictionary of National Btoffraphy, 
which has been described as ' Who's Who (the imdertaker 
intervening).' Mr. Lee's favourite recreation is swan-shooting 
on the Avon. 

Authorities : Letters from Decui Authors, Mimoires d' Outre 
Tonibe.- 



MR. DAN LENO. 

« 

LENO, Mr. DANIEL, Court Chaplain, was bom in the Lion 
Comiques' Den in 1860. By his simple piety and natural 
humour he won his way to the heart of the Highest in the 
land, by whom he is considered as a blend of Chicot the 
Jester and Sydney Smith. It is impossible for the Princess 
Charles of Denmark to celebrate a birthday without the 
reverend gentleman's genial assistance. Mr. Leno, before 
reaching Court circles, had worked hard as a London missioner, 
and no one has done more to encourage and establish the 
social position of beefeaters, shopwalkers, recruiting sergeants, 
dealers in eggs, waiters, and bootmakers' assistants. He allies 
to a ready wit a superb baritone voice, and his physique is 
statuesque. Mr. Leno's motto is : * I remember once, when 
I was at Sandringham . . . .' 

Authorities : The Oxford Movement ; The Blue Pavilion^ 
by Q. ; The Great Mogul ; The Canterbury Diocese ; Memoirs 
of the Widow Twankey^ by Herbert Campbell ; and Monarchs 
I have Met. 



54 



SIR GEORGE LEWIS. 

LEWIS, SiK GEORGE, Warder of the Black Books to the 
Nobility and Gentry, was born in 1833, and early distinguished 
himself for the gallantry he displayed in rescuing young and 
helpless members of the aristocracy firom positions of extreme 
peril. His collection of family skeletons is of greater interest 
than anything in the Museum of the College of Physicians. 
Sir George Lewis, whose favourite beverage is Mumm, was 
created a .K.C.B. (Knight of the Closed Bosom) in 1893. His 
motto is (from Richard 11. , ii. 1) : ' Bid him repair to us to 
Ely Place.' 

Authorities : Lewis the XlXth ; Ballads of Old Bailey ^ or 
The Letms Carols. 



5& 



i- 




SIR THOMAS LIPTONt 

LIPTON, Sir THOMAS JOHNSTONE, the King's Cupbearer, 
wafi born at Sandringham, which he chose for that honour 
partly on account of its last syllable. After serving for some 
years as an admiral of the Ceylon Navy, he returned to this 
country a master of teamanship. In spite of a course of 
Sandow's exercises, he cannot yet lift the America Cup, but 
he has recorded the opinion that a finer set of gentlemen than 
those who made it, who won it, who protect it, and who write 
about it in the papers, could not exist. It is confidently 
conjectured in sporting coteries that the good Sir Thomas 
will win the Cup in 1 929 with Shamrock XXX. Sir Thomas's 
address is The Mast Head, Cit}^ Road, and Ham Common. 
His motto is : * The Cup that cheers, but not inebriates.' 

Authority : Bacon. 



56 



M. MAETERLINCK* 

MAETERLINCK, MAURICE, Bee-master, was bom at St. 
Ives, in 1862. As a small child he was given Dr. Watts' 
Hymns to read ; but coming upon the question, ' How doth 
the little busy bee ? ' he refiised to read further until he could 
find a sufficient answen Thereupon he removed to Belgium, 
for no other reason than that it begins with B, and has since 
pursued the even tenour of an apiarist's life, diversified 
only by stings. For these M. Maeterlinck uses common 
blue, and it is while waiting for them to heal that his plays 
have been written. As a variant upon the trite conventions 
of the drawing-room drama, M. Maeterlinck has composed a 
new series of musical tragedies, to be played by marionettes 
after dark in a coal-hole, to the accompaniment of a B flat 
drone bass performed on muted celluloid combs. He is also 
alleged to be engaged on a Biblical pantomime, entitled Huz 
and Buz. His motto is : Honey soit qui mal y pense. 

Authorities : Lee's Life of Shakespeare ; information 
supplied by Messrs. Reckitt, Mr. A. B. Walkley, and Mr. A. 
Sutro. 



57 



MR. JOHN MORLEY. 

MORLEY, The Right Hon. JOHN, Individualist and Recluse, 
was bom at Wark worth in 1838. Nothing is known of this 
isolated philosopher, except that he never bums farms, takes 
exercise on a little gee, and is writing the life of a big one — 
Mr. Gladstone. Mr. Moriey has always understood the rare 
art, especially for a politician, of sporting his oak. Unlike the 
Mahdi, he never loses his head. Mr. Moriey shares the 
epithet of Honest with two other Johns — John Bums and 
John Dillon, and his most ardent wish is that it could fittingly 
be extended also to John Bull. 

Authorities : Kingsley's Hermits ; The Life of Alexander 
Selkirk; Kitchener and his Cntics ; Ian Hamilton on Com- 
bustibles for Agriculturists. 



58 



DR. ROBERTSON NICOLL. 

NICOLL, W. ROBERTSON, M.A., LL.D., ! !, Man of Kent, 
was born in Aberdeenshire, in 1 85 1 . On reaching London, he 
discovered J. M. Barrie, Ian Maclaren, Dr. Parker, Theodore 
Watts-Dunton, C. K. Shorter, A. P. Watt, Annie S. Swan, and 
Ellen Thomeycroft Fowler ; and on a voyage to Cape Clear 
he heard cries for help, and extricated Mr. F. T. BuUen fix>m 
the body of a whale. Dr. NicoU edits five papers with his 
right hand, and contributes to as many more with his left, 
and is present in the spirit at all literary firesides. His 
favourite recreation is Crockett. 

Authorities : Boothby's Dr. Nicola ; Letters to A. P. 
Wait ; and information fix)m Dr. Conan Doyle and Mr. C. K. 
Shorter. 



59 



MR. T. P. O'CONNOR- 
O'CONNOR, TAY PAY, PopuUst, wns bom at Starborough in 
1848, and at once entered Parliament, where he has been 
writing articles ever since. A period of astronomical study 
enabled him to discover a new Star, a new Smi, and a new 
Weekly Sun. His greatest feat, however, was to invent a 
new form of journalism, wherein all the women are beautiful, 
and all the men popular, which came to its finest flower in the 
weekly paper, J/. -4. P., signifying ^ Wholly About People. 

Authority : Information by Healyograph. 



60 



M. PADEREWSKL 

PADEREWSKI, IGNAZ JAN, President of the House of 
Keys, was bom in St. James's Hall, 1890, having previously 
studied under Sovinski, Roguski, Leschetitzky, and 
Prtnk^vitchsvtntchtchitzky (prononcez Bertrand). His first 
recital was sparsely attended, but before the end of the 
season he was obliged to seek police protection from the 
embarrassing attention of his admirers. Thanks, however, 
to the application of the new Orling- Armstrong system of 
wireless telephony. Sir Edward Bradford is not without 
hopes that M. Paderewski, who has recently taken to using 
a Panhard 8 h.p. 4' 7 q.f. overstrung grand, with pom-pom 
pedals and Vickers- Maxim resonator, will be rendered fully 
audible to the naked ear in St. James's Hall without quitting 
his estate in Galicia, where he is now immersed in agricul- 
tural pursuits. It may be added that such is M. Paderewski's 
capillary attraction, that on one occasion when a chrysan- 
themum show was being held at the Crystal Palace, a short- 
sighted judge mistook the head of the Polish virtuoso for an 
exhibit and awarded him an honourable mention. M. 
Paderewski, who keeps wicket for the Warsaw Eleven in 
order to harden his hands, plays all composers with impunity, 
and scores with astonishing rapidity. 

Authorities : Paddy at Home^ by the Baron Mandat- 
Grancey. Private information supplied by Mr. Eugene 
Sandow and the St. James's Hall cat. 

61 



%• 

■* 



MR. HERBERT PAUL. 

PAUL, HERBERT WOODFIELD, England's Candid Friend, 
was born at Majuba in 1853. Though Boer by birth he is 
supposed to trace his descent from the Greek epigrammatist 
Paul the Silentiary. It is told of him that even as a <5hild 
his dislike of orchids was intense, and his earliest reading was 
the piquant annual Who's Oom ? On discovering the reply 
to this question Mr. Paul joined the Daily News^ and he 
now, while writing regularly in its columns, enjoys the 
unique distinction of being the only member of its staff who 
has not at one time or another acted as editor. Mr. PauFs 
favourite diversion is John Bull-baiting, varied by lurid 
forecasts of the paulo-post future. 

Authorities: Information from the present member for 
South Edinburgh ; Horce Paidince ; Daily News^ passim. 



62 



MR. STEPHEN PHILLIPS. 

PHILLIPS, STEPHEN, Director of Herod's Stores, was edu- 
cated at Sidney Colvin College, Cambridge, where he played 
for the University polo team on a Broncho Trochee 
Pegasus. After serving in the irregular Foot he settled 
at Marlow, where his fortunes turned from bad to verse. 
Finding his feet in Mr. F. R. Benson's Company, he played the 
Ghost in Hamlet to crowded houses, until hearing from Mr. 
Greorge Alexander {q. v) that he had an empty pigeon-hole 
at the St. Jameses Theatre, Mr. Phillips at once set to work 
and wrote Pax>lo and Francesca to fill it. The fame that 
came to him from the non-performance of this drama decided 
him to devote his whole time to play- writing, and he is now 
engaged on a drama on the subject of the Fall of Man for 
Mr. Tree ; on the Laocoon for Mr. James Welch ; on John 
the Baptist for Mr. Bourchier ; on Democritus for Mr. 
Wyndham ; on the Queen of Sheba for Miss Marie Tempest ; 
on Bel and the Dragon for Drury Lane ; and on Phillips of 
Macedon (in Alexandrines) for the St. James's Theatre. 



63 



MR. STEPHEN PHILLIP.S. 

Mr. Phillips, whose height is 15 '3 kill-a-metres, is now 
lecturing for Major Spondee in the Foot Hills. 

Authorities : Dowie and Marshall On the Compfessmi 
of Redundant Feet ; Benson's Sacred Lamp ; and informa- 
tion from Mr. James Douglas. 



64 



MR. A, W. PINERO. 

PINERO, ARTHUR WING, PeBsimist Philosopher, was bom 
far from the madding crowd in 1855, but may be described 
as a naturalised Irisman. Beginning with a cheerful dis- 
position, Mr. Pinero has gradually given himself up to the 
study of post-nuptial disaster. To his highly trained ear 
there is no difference between wedding bells and a fimeral 
knell, except that the knell is a shade more jocund. Mr. 
Pinero is in the habit of engaging theatres for the periodical 
display of his sociological conclusions, which being presented 
in dramatic form, have been facetiously described as plays. 

Authorities : Information supplied by Mrs. John Wood 
and. Mr. William Archer. 



65 



R 



C. B. RANJITSINHJI. 

RANJITSINHJI, KUMAR FRY, C.B., was bom at Brighton 
in Sussex in 1872, where his ancestors had been tribal rulers 
for many centuries ; hence the name Sussex, i.e.^ home of 
the South Sikhs. Educated at the Rajkumar College, Repton, 
under Dr. Robert Abel, Prince Ranjitsinhji, loyally following 
the example of Royalty, proceeded to both Universities. At 
Wadham College his coerulean exploits were made the subject 
of an entire Blue-book, while at Trinity, Cambridge, he took 
a First in the Theological tripos, owing to his masterly 
exposition of the «Tudicious Hooker. For a while he acted 
as assistant master at the Blue Coat School, but resigned his 
charge owing to the publicity given to a fracas in which he 
broke Dr. W. G. Grace's record over his head. Returning to 
his birthplace, where he electrified the athletic world by his 
classic long jump over the Devil's Dyke, Prince Ranjitsinhji 
fought with the Corinthian Legion in the Greco- Turkish war, 
and allured by the unexplored domain of politics, successfully 
contested the Chiltem Hundreds. Kumar Fry Ranjitsinhji 
received the decoration of C.B. on the completion of his 
Jubilee Book of Cricket, since which he has also written 
From the Pitch to the Pnnting Press ; or^ Every Cricketer his 
own Journalist. 

Authorities : What I think of C. B. Fry^ by K. S. R., and 
What Ithhik of Ranji^ by C. B. F. ; The Centurion^ s Progress ; 
Dr. Abel's favourite song. To-morrow will be Fry-day ; and 
information supplied by George Newnes, Ltd. 

66 



MR. CECIL RHODES. 

RHODES, CECIL JOHN, the Modem Bayard, was bom at 
Cape Town and Cairo, in 1858, He was intended for the 
Church, but settled in South Africa, Subsequently he set up an 
apple-cart, and became deeply interested in the Flora of South 
Africa, making a special study of cacti and orchids. In 
stature inclined to be Lobengular, he wears a long blond 
Liberal Imperial, and a sombrero whose darkness may be veldt. 
His &vourite author is Bret Harte, particularly the poem 
beginning— 

' I reside at Table Mountain, and my name is Truthful James ; 
I am not up to small deceit or any petty games.' 

Authority: Private information obtained at ruinous 
expense from Buller's International Detective Agency. 



67 







EARL ROBERTS. 

ROBERTS, Field-Marshal Earl, V.C, first-rate fighting man^ 
was bom longer ago than we care to remember, and learned his 
ABC with such care that nearly all the letters of the 
alphabet still adhere to his name. Sent to school at Eton, 
he soon distinguished himself among the dry Bobs, and went 
out in 1852 to India, where he spent eight lustres and gained 
a fresh one for himself. In South Africa he lost his only son, 
saved the situation, and won the undying gratitude of the 
nation. Lord Roberts, who does not underrate cavalry, 
though he has had three horses shot under him and who 
was mentioned twenty-three times in despatches before he 
began to write them about others, would at no time of his^ 
life have satisfied the existing standards of height, weight, and 
measurement unposed on candidates for Commissions. On 
these grounds, presumably, the Daily Neics refuses to regard 
him as a bond fide British ofiicer, while owing to his miserably 
small appetite, his refusal to keep a French cook, his 
indifl^erent taste in champagne, and his fetish-worship of 
efficiency, he has been cashiered from the command of the 
Cinematograph at the leading Music-halls. Motto : Mvltum 
in parvo. 

Authorities : The Heart of a People ; Love me Hide love 
me long. 



..LORD ROSEBERY. 

ROSEBERY, Fifth Earl of, ARCHIBALD PHILIP PRIM- 
ROSE, Historian, was bom at Pittsburg, in 1847, and 
educated at Dame Durdan's, Eton. Always attracted by the 
wild freedom of the biographer s life, it was not, however, 
until the editor of the Daily Mail (see Harmsworth, 
Alfred) appropriated the house adjoining his own in 
Berkeley Square, that Lord Rosebery found his true mStier^ 
Happening one day to look over the garden wall, he caught 
sight of his neighbour's Napoleonic lineaments, and by this 
happy chance his thoughts were turned towards- the Man of 
Destiny. Thereupon to produce Napoleon^ the Last Phase 
was the work of a moment. Lord Rosebery is now engaged 
on the lives of Lester Reiff, Tod Sloan, the Duke of 
Wellington, Charles James Fox, Sir William Harcourt, and 
General Boulanger. 

Authorities : Called Back^ by Sir Wemyss Reid, and in- 
formation from Mr. R. W. Perks, M.P., and others. 



69 







LORD SALISBURY. 

SALISBURY, ROBERT ARTHUR TALBOT GASCOYNE- 
CECIL, Inventor of the Salisbury cold-water cure for political 
hyperaesthesia, Chemist and Humourist, was bom at Algiers, 
in 1830. After enduring great privations in the Australian 
goldfields, Dr. Salisbury joined the staff of the Latter-day 
Pooh' Pooh, and was raised to the peerage for his services as 
special correspondent at the Berlin Congress. In the House 
of Lords Lord Salisbury is never so happy as when fluttering 
the episcopal dovecotes, or discouraging the ebullitions of 
enthusiastic philanthropy. Thus, when an ardent champion 
of temperance had s[36ken of the temptations to which the 
working man was exposed by the mere number of public- 
houses, Lord Salisbury replied that he never found he wanted 
to go to sleep any more because he had forty empty bedrooms 
to choose from. His heroic detachment from actualities may 
best be illustrated by the facts that he has never been able to 
distinguish Sir Francis Mowatt from Lord Welby, and that he 
has more than once conferred decorations on dead worthies, and 
bestowed titles on the inconspicuous namesakes of living 
luminaries. Lord Salisbury, who wears a No. 8 hat, and 
closely resembles the bust of Homer, has a villa in France, 

72 



LORD SALISBURY. 

where he resides only at periods of extreme political tension. 
His favourite motto is understood to be : 'It will be all the 
same a hundred years hence.' 

Authorities : Gibson Bowles on Nepotism ; and confidential 
communications from Earl Selbome, Mr. Gerald Balfour, 
Lord Cranbome, and Mr. Fowler, Lord Salisbury's prScia 
writer. 



7« 




MR. J. S. SARGENT, R.A. 

SARGENT, JOHN S., K.A., ' Truthful John,' on the principle 
that good Americans when they are bom live in Italy, first 

■ • 

saw the light in Florence in 1866. His surprising gift for 
portraiture asserted itself very early, and before he was six 
his nursery walls were covered with scarifying portraits of 
his relatives. These mural cartoons are still preserved, and 
the house has become a place of pilgrimage for Mr, Sargent's 
admiring fellow Academicians, who are never so happy as in 
gazing upon his work. Mild and amiable as a pet lamb in 
private life, when once he takes his brush in hand Mr. Sargent 
is transformed, and he has more than once been prosecuted 
b)" the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dukes. 

Authorities : Semitic Studies ; The American Invasion ; 
and information from the Duke of Portland and Mr. Isidore 
Wertheimer. 



74 



MR. G..S. SHAW. 

SHAW, GEORGE BERNARD, Millionaire, was bom at Smith- 
field, in 1856. At an early age the abnormal appetite which 
he has carried into later life asserted itself, and it was 
considered nothing for him to demolish at a single sitting 1 silf 
an ox. ' Full mouth, empty pocket,' is an old saying the 
truth of which is falsified in Mr. Shaw's case, for his riches 
g}*ew steadily, no other purveyor of English meat approaching 
him in popularity. In course of time he entered Parliament 
as a staunch Conservative, and on the declaration of war with 
the Boers he fitted out a regiment at his own costs. Nothing 
but his interest in a vivisection laboratory, which he was then 
building at St. Pancras, prevented him from accompanying 
his regiment to the Front in person. Mr. Shaw, who is next 
year's chairman of the Mildmay Conference, is short and stout, 
and is always faultlessly dressed in the fashion of the moment. 
His motto is : ' The majority is never wrong.' Address : The 
Nest, Brixton. Clubs : Constitutional, Turf, Guards', Beef- 
steak. 

Authorities : Memoirs of Shaw the Lifeffuardsman, The 
Licensed Victuallers* Gazette^ and four novels of his nonage — 
A Carnivorous Vegetanan^ How to Make Both Ends Meat^ 
The Unconscientious Objector^ The Quintessence of Jaegerism. 

lb 




.MR. G. tL SIMS. 

SIMS, GEORGE R., better known as ' Dagonet' of the Referee^ 
was born at Liverpool, in 1847. He was bom without hair, 
a defect which was, however, quickly remedied by the appli- 
cation of ' Tatcho,' without a bottle of which Mr. Sims has 
never since left the house. During his play hours, while at 
school at Hanwell, Mr. Sims, already an ardent vegetarian, 
was impressed by the lack of suitable reading for the Sunday 
breakfast table, and after some unsuccessfiil experiments on a 
piece of Welsh flannel, succeeded in rearing the first crop of 
that mustard and cress which for so many years has gilded 
the laggard hours betwefjn the morning meal and the happy 
village chime. Mr. Sims finds relaxation fi-om the labours of 
editintr Living London and writing three plays a month, by 
equestrian exercise in the Park on his liver pad (which he 
charters from Carter's Little Livery Stables), followed by a 
pack of hoimds named exclusively aft;er his personal friends 
and his most flagrant dramatic successes. 

Authorities : Buchanan's Baldei' the Beautiful ; Mayne 
Reid's Scalp Hunters; The Heir to the Crown^ and The 
Romany Dye. 



76 



THE HON. C- R. SPENCER. 

SPENCER, The Hon. C. R., M.P., was bom in 1857 at the 
Agincultural Hall, Islington. Imbued from his tenderest 
years with the most pronounced Radical views, Mr. Spencer 
worked for a time in the fields with Mr. Joseph Arch, but 
abandoned the plough on his appointment as Constable of the 
Tower ; hence his nickname of * Bobby.' As Liberal Whip 
he has endeared himself to all parties by his homely exterior, 
degagi attire, and bluff quarter-deck manners. Mr. Spencer 
is devoted to music, preferring a CoUard to all other makers. 

Authorities : Annals of the A.D.C., Virgil's BucolicSy 
Researches into the Origin of the Cholera Morbus^ and infor- 
mation supplied by Messrs. Harborow, and Messrs. Beale 
and Inman. 



77 



MR. ST. LOE STRACHEY. 

STRACHEY, J. ST. LOE, Editor of the 5/?ecfei/or, was bom in 
1860^ at St. Kitts, in the CatHkillH. He was educated at 
St. (.'atherine's College, Cambridge, and the Dogs' Home, 
liattersea. The only other spec on Mr. Strachey's record was 
his prosecution by the R.S.P.C.A. for collecting dogs' tales. 
Decoration : C.B. Motto : * Laudabunt alii clarum Rhodon.* 
Adclress : Mewland's Comer. Club : Kitcat 

Authorities : Information from Sir William Harcourt, Sir 
H. ('ampbell-Bannerman, and Mr. Charles Boyd. 



78 



MR. A. C. SWINBURNE. 

« • • 

SWIXBURNE, ALGERNON CHARLES, Professor of Nata- 
tion, was bom in a bathing machine at Worthing, in 1837, 
and has remained true to the smf ever since, varying his life 
as an instructor in swimming by poetical exercises of unique 
splendour. The story of the Professor's first attempt as a 
poet is curious and instructive. He happened one day, as a 
youth, in the early fifties, to be bathing ofi^ the South Coast in 
company with his fiiend, Mr. Aylwin Watts-Dunton. ' Why, 
Swinburne,' remarked that fine critic, *you remind me of 
the glory that is Qreece.' ' How so ? ' said the Professor. 
' Because you swim superbly, and come out dripping,' was the 
reply. This sally naturally turned the thoughts of the Pro- 
fessor to the land of Homer, and Atcdanta in Calydon was the 
happy result. Professor Swinburne i« probably alone among 
the exponents of his art in being able to write while cleaving 
the billows ; but, supplied with the excellent waterproof 
pocket-pad invented by Mr. Watts-Dunton, he has attained so 
perfect a mastery of the trudgeon stroke that even during the 
intricacies of water polo he has been known to compose and 
transcribe a triolet to a baby's Webbfeet, while his songs 
before sunrise, addressed to Agnes Beckwith, were all indited 

79 



MR. A. C- SWINBURNE. 

in the profimdities of Brill's Baths at Brightoiu In 1884 the 
Professor electrified the swimming worid by negotiating the 
Horse-shoe Fall at Niagara in a Delphic coracle, and was 
promptly elected the first President of the Bath Club. He 
now resides at Putney, and when the University crews are in 
training, may fi^uently be seen disporting himself in fix>nt of 
the rival eights with the deft dexterity of a diaphanous 
dolphin* 

Authorities : The Life of Thomas MaiUand ; Alliteration^ 
its Use and Abuse ; The Life of Walter Savage Leander ; and 
Byron s HeUespontica. 



80 



MR. BEERBOHM TREE« 

TREE, HERBERT BEERBOHM, the Last of the Dandies, was 
bom on the Quai d'Orsay, Paris, in 1853. A fastidious taste 
characterised him from the first, and life was almost unbearable 
in the household if his bib was awry, or his perambulator not 
in the middle of the stage. As he grew older he became more 
and more exacting. When at Eton even his running gear was 
built by Poole, and at Magdalen he made eleven changes every 
day, and never wore the same collar-stud twice. Mr. Tree 
was the first to use trees for boots ; hence their name. But 
he did not content himself with such inventions. He studied 
postures also, and was the first exponent of ' Hip-utility ; or, 
what to do with the left arm in an attitude of repose.' He 
also discovered the Lime Light treatment for profiles. 
Altogether his services to photographers and Bond Street 
clothiers can hardly be over-estimated. Mr. Tree — whose 
productions are a household world in the Yosemite Valley, 
under the title of the Big Tree Brand — recently produced 
The Seats of the Mighty by way of a fiill rehearsal to his 
imminent elevation to the House of Lords, but the only 
result to date is that Mr. Gilbert Parker, the author, has been 
elected to the House of Commons. 

Authority : Gilpin's Forest Scenery. 

81 F 



MR. H. G. WELLS. 

WELLS, H. G., Prophet, was bom at Old Moore Park, in Hert- 

fordsliire, in 1866, and after being duly vaticinated in 

accordance with the Act, was apprenticed to Zadkiel. Mr. 

Wells served under this famous soothsayer until 1896, when 

he became the ally of Captain Coe and Old Joe, his * snips ' 

sho wing extraordinary foresight and sagacity. After acquiring 

a large fortune on the turf by means of his uncommon gifts, 

Mr. Wells, in order to study other civilisations, made a trip to 

Mars, and also to the Moon, in the company of M. Santos 

DAmont, M. Jules Verne, and Sir George Newnes, with what 

result is well known. On returning, he built himself a house 

at Sandgate, on an eminence commanding.an extensive view of 

the future, into which he gazes continually, dreaming of a 
millennium of middle-class efficiency. Li such time as he can 

spare from casting the horoscopes of the cix)wned heads of 

Europe, who are continually visiting him incog.^ he writes 

light fiction, or takes short runs into the empyrean on his 

aeropile. His motto is : * How happy could I be in aether.' 

Authorities : The Lives of the Prophet^ Applied Mechanics^ 
and Anticipations. 



82 



MR. HENRY J. WOOD. 

WOOD, HENRY J. PETER - ILIITSCH, Queen's HaU 
Lightning Conductor and Russian Artillerist, was born at 
Wotkinsk in the province of Wiatka in 1870, and proceeded 
at an early age to Professor Hairkomer's Bushey Academy, 
where he studied the instruments of percussion under Signor 
Tamtamagno, dancing and deportment under Professor 
Arthur Nikisch, boxing, gymnastics, and single stick, under 
Sergeant Mottl, and win<l instruments under Dr. Blowitz. 
On the completion of his studies Gospodin Wood returned 
for a while to his native country where he amassed a com- 
plete and unrivalled collection of the works of Krag- 
Jorgensen, Hotchkitzky, PompompsikofF, Skobeleff, Kruppsky- 
Maximovitch, and Pobiedonosztzeff. When Mr. Robert 
Newman, on the dissohition of the Grerman Reed Company, 
established a Russian Brass Works next door, Gospodin 
Wood returned from Manchuria to undertake the post of 
Director of Ordnance, and assumed, by Royal letters patent, 
the additional surnames of Pathetikoff-Casse-Noisette. His 
favourite mottoes are : * Russ in urbe,' and ' Britons ever shall 
he Slavs.' His telephone number is * 1812/ 

Authorities : Newman's Loss and Gain ; The Rivals^ by 
Albert Chevalier ; articles in the Pelhnellikoff Gazetzky ; 
Ruskin on The Pathetic Fallacy. 

83 



MR. CHARLES WYNDHAM, 

WYNDHAM, CHARLES, our youngest Actor, was born at 
Brighton in 1841, served in the American War as a headless 
horseman, and is thus sixty years young. As he grows 
younger every day, it is estimated that by 1920 he will be 
fitted for Infant Phenomenon parts at Drury Lane, and will 
have to apply to the magistrates for leave to appear. Mr. 
Wyndham, contrary to the usual custom, grows more serious 
as he duninishes his age, and by the advice of of his physician, 
Dr. H. A. Jones, no longer plays the sprightly, irresponsible 
parts which he once fix)licked through. Mr. Wyndham is a 
very busy man. Although acting eveiy night, he rigorously 
spends his day in his office attending to the numerous 
arduous duties that beset a Chief Secretary for Ireland, and is 
famous for his wide reading and highly-polished culture. His 
motto is : ' Wyndham's is no Criterion.' 

Authority : The Garrick Memoirs. 



84 



SUPPLEMENT 

Consisting of biographies of those 

persons who have risen to 

eminence while the 

body of this 

work was in 

progress. 



85 



MR. WILLIAM GILLETTE. 

with features perfectly adapted for chromo-lithographic repre- 
Bentation on the London hoardings. In founding the Bachelors' 
Clnb he provided a field for thoee bulls-eye lantern entertain- 
ments which are bo greatly relished by the nobility and 
gentry. 

Autboritiea : Baden- Powell's Aids to Scouting, J. S. Mill's 
Syttem of Deductive Logic, The Strand Magazine, Gaboriau 
p(usim. 



88 



MR. PIERPONT MORGAN. 

MORGAN, JOHN PIERPONT, Electrician to St. Paul's 
Cathedral, was bom in 1837, with a golden spoon in his 
mouth. For many years he worked at the tiresome routine 
of monopolist, and only in 19Q1 reached his true vocation, 
the lighting of St. Paul's. Mr. Morgan has not yet decided 
whether to provide the motive power from Niagara Falls, or 
whether to buy up Buckingham Palace and place his engines 
there. In filling up a confession albiun in the house of one of 
our more affable duchesses, Mr. Morgan stated Trust to be 
his favourite quality, and Steele his favourite author. Mr. 
Morgan's favourite game is Puss in the Comer, and his 
favourite song ' Johnny Morgan lit the Organ.' 

Authorities : Fortunes Made in Business^ The Lives of the 
Millionaires^ Fata Morgana. 



89 G 



LORD ROSEBERY. 

ROSEBERY, Fifth Earl of, ARCHIBALD PHILIP PRIM- 
ROSE, cloth merchants' traveUer, was bom in the island of 
Lewis, in the Hebrides, in 1847. On joining the great High- 
land firm of Sutherland, Gamp, Mid Co., manufacturers of 
Harris tweed, of which he is now the predominant partner, 
-he quickly became their most efScient agent, and sent up the 
sale of that article by leaps and bounds. For this service 
he was given the title of Lord Harris, and, after a mercantile 
visit to America, of Boss Tweed. Lord Rosebery himself 
wears a suit of Harris dittos, trimmed with the blue ribbon of 
the turf — a very striking costume. His motto is ; ' Try 
our 'winter suitings.' 

Authorities; The works of Mrs. Tweedie ; The Admirahh 
Crichton. 



MR. J. P. SOUSA. 

SOUSA, JOHN PHILIP, whose ancestors came over to America 
from Port^igal vid Cape Horn, was bom in the Cave of jEolus, 
in March, 1860, and educated at Brazenose College, Yale, 
under Dr. Blow. As a child he was of a curiously ingenious 
turn, and it is related of him that he melted down all the door- 
handles in his father's house to make a bombardon. For a 
time he held the humble office of bugler to the White House 
— an engagement which he has celebrated as his Washington 
pdst-Sat was discharged for injuring the fevourite brassy of 
the President (a great golf player) by attempting to convert it 
into a saxophone. Justly incensed at this treatment, he 
thereupon collected a following of his own, known as the 
Band of Rebellious Sousa, by whose instrumentality he soon 
achieved a more resounding fame than any President could 
possibly attain. Mr. Sousa's favourite dish is braised beef,, 
and his motto : Exegi jnonumentum cere perennius. 

Authorities : The French Hcym Book; Lord Brassey's 
Annual ; Cymbalism^ by Arthur Symons ; Shaw's Captain 
BrassbouncTs Conversion; and information supplied by the 
Field Comets of the Argentine Army and the House Physician 
of the Hospital for the Deaf. 

91 



MR. YERKES. 

YERKES, EDISON VOLTA, Tubular MilUonaire, was bom in 
the Catacombs, in 1841, and has been described by an 
enthusiastic Irishman as a ^rail gintleman.' Mr. Yerkes, 
after squandering upon America his lusty youth, descended 
upon the shores of this island a little while since, and by 
raising Tubal Cain, gave our railway system shocks. By 
passing an electric current along the metals, he claims to be able 
to stimulate porters to civility, station-masters to humility, 
engine-drivers to punctuality, and directors to Asbg^ His 
name, which is usually pronounced as if it rhymed with that 
of his colleague, Mr. Perks, is rightfully a dissyllable, thus pro- 
viding a much*needed rhyme to ' circus ' and (at a very long 
distance) to • work'us.' Mr. Yerkes, who, as becomes one who 
has so many irons in the fire, is a great poker player, finds a 
Home fixnn Ohm in the spacious hotel built on the Embank- 
ment by Lord Hugh Cecil to accommodate the members of the 
Cabinet in consequence of their aversion to Downing Street. 
His motto is : ^ Tube be, or not tube be.' 



• 1 • 



: Holberg's Adventures Underground; Studies 
in Blue Clay, by a Miner Poet. 



92 



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