T
THE LOG OF THE ARK
" A large crowd came
down to see us off."
E-P-DUTTON-8-COMPANY -
OSlflfTH -AVENUE "/NW
COPYRIGHT
BY
E. P. BUTTON & COMPANY
1915
First Printing October, 1915
Second " " 1915
Third " March, 1917
Fourth " August, 1921
Fifth " June, 1926
WHO'S WHO ON THE ARK
CAPTAIN
FIRST OFFICER .
SECOND OFFICER
THIRD OFFICER .
PURSER
WIRELESS OPERATCH
CHIEF ENGINEER
CHIEF STEWARD
VETERINARIAN
CHIEF COOK
BOTTLE WASHER
STEWARDESS
LAUNDRESS
STOKERS
CARGO
Myself
Shem
Ham
Japheth
Myself
Shem
Ham
Japheth
Myself
Mrs. Noah
Mrs. Shem
Mrs. Ham
Mrs. Japheth
Automatic
Live Stock
Vll
2004003
vm
THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY, B.C. 2349. COURSE to Ara-
rat. WEATHER clear and rain. WIND
starting to blow. SEA calm. SHIP'S RUN
I league.
REMARKS :
Weighed anchor: 2240 pounds. My rheu-
matism hurt. I just knew it would rain. A
large crowd came down to see us off. Re-
ceived delegation of S. P. C. A. They
presented me with a gold-handled umbrella.
Someone sent the women folks a bunch of
American beauties. Many of my neighbours
say I am crazy. It began to rain crowd dis-
persed. There is a lot of hubbub in getting an
Ark off. Half an hour late in starting. Ham
doesn't understand some of the levers. Ship's
band played the national anthems as we sailed
away. Sent sailing lists to all my friends.
Gave them to the pilot to mail. Dropped pilot
at 7.30 P.M. I was sorry to see him go. Cargo
all well and quiet. I wonder if I will be seasick?
THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND higher. SEA still
calm. SHIP'S RUN 2.
REMARKS :
Rained all last night and today. I didn't
sleep well. Mrs. Noah insists upon having the
lower berth. I had to climb up top. If I fall
and break my neck it will be serious. Spent
Corning in smoking-room reading steamer
letters. Several magazines offer half a shekel a
word for my story. Some vaudeville manager
wants me to go on the stage if I get away with
the trip. The University of Bagdad ask me
to will them my brains. Mrs. Japheth forgot
one of her steamer trunks, and wants us to go
back. Ham says he thinks he knows which
levers will stop the Ark. All well on board.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND same as yesterday.
SEA very calm. SHIP'S RUN iy. WIRE-
LESS REPORT; Mountain resorts doing good
business. Hotels all crowded.
REMARKS :
We ran aground this morning. Mrs. Noah
and the girls were badly frightened. I signalled
for a tug which pulled us off. The captain
wanted to know about the salvage. I told him
to see the owners or the insurance company.
Doubt if he ever will be paid. I can't sleep
very well. The bunk is too narrow. I don't
like steamer bunks any more than I do a Pull-
man. Mrs. Noah complains of the motion of
the ship. I haven't felt it, but the throbbing
of the engines is annoying. Didn't eat much
today. Cargo still quiet. I'm a little worried
about the two caterpillars. What if they are
not mates?
THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND shifted. SEA
same as yesterday. SHIP'S RUN 2. WIRE-
LESS REPORT C. Q. D. Antioch.
REMARKS :
The rooster woke me up this morning.
Oldest inhabitants can't remember when it has
, rained so hard. There's not much fun stand-
ing on the bridge for four hours at a time. I
thought all the captain of an Ark had to do was
talk to the ladies. There's some responsibility
connected with a vessel of this size, and such a
mixed cargo. It might have a serious effect on
posterity should we be wrecked. All indica-
tions point to unusually high water. We passed
several mountains today. Mountains do look
strange without their valleys. I'm learning
to read the charts. Japheth complains that
the triceratops prorus, the iguanodon bernissar-
tensis, and the dinosaurs are not eating. We're
always having trouble with those what-you-
may-call-its. Mrs. Noah says the Ark is begin-
ning to smell like a barn. I can't help that.
Took my bath.
" Can 't remember when
it has rained so hard "
THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND higher. SEA
higher. SHIP'S RUN i. WIRELESS REPORT
Ephesus C. Q. D.'d. So did Tyre.
REMARKS :
I never saw such a rain. It simply poured all
day. No ministers aboard so I had to conduct
the services in the saloon this morning. Took
as my text Genesis 7:7. Mrs. Shem played
the harpsichord. No collection. Sea just a
little rougher this afternoon. Have had a time
keeping Ham in the engine room. He's lazy
He would rather fish than work. Ham's wife
always sides with him. I'm afraid I'll have
trouble with her. Hope we don't run into any
of those waterspouts I've read about. Cargo
still quiet. Hope none of those submarines
attack us.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND N. E. SEA a bit
choppy. SHIP'S RUN ]4. WIRELESS RE-
PORT S. O. S. Chaldea.
REMARKS :
Women folks kicked to beat the band. It
was too wet to hang out the wash. I told them
to bring enough lingerie to last forty days. I
always thought women's clothes were too
complicated anyway. Made an inspection of
the staterooms. Everything O. K. and sanitary.
Some of the animals are a little crowded, but
I can't help that when each mammoth takes
two staterooms. The Shetland ponies need
exercise, but it keeps on raining. Mrs. Noah
is still complaining. She can't stand the motion
of the ship, and now she says the thought of
the French poodles being bunked with the
rhino is horrible. Real estate getting scarce.
Had the auto tires thrown overboard. I
couldn't see any use for them.
8
THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND same. SEA chop-
pier. SHIP'S RUN same. WIRELESS REPORT
Record high water in Babylon. Stores flooded.
Boats in streets.
REMARKS :
That bunk of mine is made of concrete.
I'm a little shaky today. Appetite all gone.
Meals don't taste good. Felt better on deck.
I've never been seasick in my life. I wonder if
this is it? I'll be all right tomorrow.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND stronger. SEA
pretty rough. SHIP'S RUN y. WIRELESS
REPORT C. Q. D. Bagdad.
REMARKS :
Rain and a little rougher. Never had such
strange sensations. I excused myself from the
dinner table. I don't think it's the motion of the
boat, but the smell of the cooking and the vibra-
tion. I like to keep perfectly quiet in my
steamer chair and have plenty of air. Mrs.
Japheth brought me a sardine sandwich this
afternoon. That was sinful. Only stuck my
head in the dining-room door at supper time.
I'd like to be on dry land just now. Mrs. Noah
is a nuisance. She wants to know what she can
do for me. Why can't people let me alone in
these critical times? Wonder if I am seasick?
I'll be all right tomorrow.
10 THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND stronger. SEA nau-
seating. SHIP'S RUN X' WIRELESS REPORT
Work stopped on tower of Babel.
REMARKS :
Rougher and more rain. Tried to get up this
morning but gave it up. Every time the Ark
pitches I feel so uncomfortable. Nothing I
eat stays et. Mrs. Noah and the girls brought
hot lemonade and gruel into my cabin. It only
takes the thought of such things to make my
sensations worse. I don't see why they had to
fry onions today. The second officer came in
tonight and said it was my watch. I told him
the Ark could get along without my watch.
He said we might founder if the bridge was
empty. I told him I didn't care if we did.
Mrs. Ham says there is no such a thing as sea-
sickness. She claims it's a state of mind. Why
can't people let me alone? I'll be all right to-
morrow.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
II
FRIDAY. COURSE-
SEA SHIP'S RUN
REMARKS :
WEATHER WIND-
WIRELESS REPORT-
12 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND abating. SEA
steadier. SHIP'S RUN I forgot to look. WIRE-
LESS REPORT S. O. S. Troy.
REMARKS :
Am writing this in bed. Guess it rained
yesterday. Oh ! it was awful ! I must have been
seasick. How I wanted the old ship to sink!
My system never went back on me like that
Oh ! it was frightful horrible ! I felt as though
I were going down in one of those new-fangled
elevators. And then, these people kept bother-
ing me. I wanted to die alone. I told the
family where they could find the will. Japheth
said I should eat some finnan haddy. That was
a deliberate attempt on my life. Mrs. Shem
made me suck a lemon, and take a bottle of
sure-cure seasick medicine. I nearly died after
that. Mrs. Noah kept stroking my head, and
asking what I wanted to eat. Ham brought
me a bottle of cod liver oil. I wanted to smite
him, but I had not the strength. The only
comfort I had was Shem. I heard him say,
"Why don't you people get out, and let the old
man alone?" That was so kind. I hope I'll
be all right tomorrow. Postponed my bath.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND same. SEA calmer.
SHIP'S RUN same as yesterday. WIRELESS
REPORT C. Q. D. Phoenicia.
REMARKS:
Still raining. Postponed church until next
Sunday. I went up on deck for awhile. Still
feel a little wabbly. The officers accused me of
being seasick. I was not. Something I ate
didn't agree with me. I miss the Sunday news-
papers. The male elephant was down with a
bad tuskache this afternoon. Tried to pull it
but I was too weak.
MONDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND no wind. SEA all
right again. SHIP'S RUN 3. WIRELESS RE-
PORT Peach and potato crops ruined.
REMARKS :
Rained harder than usual. The elephant's
tusk was much better this morning. There's
a funny piece of mechanism on the bridge. It
has N. S. E. W. printed on it. Shem and Ham
say it's a game. They spin a needle and guess
where it will stop. Shem always puts his money
on the letter N and wins. They wouldn't let
me play the N. I believe Shem is a capper.
This weather looks like a real flood. I feel a
little better today.
TUESDAY.
WEATHER rain.
SHIP'S RUN 3.
Mesopotamia.
COURSE straight ahead.
WIND none. SEA none.
WIRELESS REPORT C. Q. D.
REMARKS :
Mrs. Noah is again complaining. She says
the weather takes the waves out of her marcels.
I suppose on the forty-first day she will find
fault with the sunshine. The camels took a
drink four days ago, and haven't touched a drop
since. Shem and Ham let me play the N to-
day. I lost two more shekels. I think that
machine is possessed. According to the alma-
nac we should be having fine weather.
16 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND moderate. SEA
reposed. SHIP'S RUN 4^. WIRELESS RE-
PORT none today.
REMARKS :
Mrs. Noah is becoming attached to the dip-
lodocus carnegiei. The two are together a great
deal. I played that machine again today.
Lost! Just before I quit, I saw Shem hold a
horseshoe where he wanted the needle to stop.
When I caught him, he said it was only for good
luck. I see through that game now. I'll catch
them tomorrow. I'm all the time forgetting
on which side of the ship the red lights belong.
I can't see the use of making my Ark look like
a drug store. WEATHER FORECAST continued
rain.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 17
THURSDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND south. SEA same
as usual. RAINFALL six inches. SHIP'S RUN
2.
REMARKS :
This morning I took a shoe off the mare.
Put ten shekels on the letter W. Held my good-
luck shoe at the letter. Shem held his at E.
Shem won. I'm not going to play that game
any more. Guess the camels must be sick.
They will not drink. Don't see land anywhere.
The thousand-leggers haven't their sea legs as
yet.
/ 'w Tzo/ going to play
that game any more "
:S
THE LOG OF THE ARK 19
FRIDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND steady. SEA same
as yesterday. SHIP'S RUN i. WIRELESS
REPORT none.
REMARKS :
The weather still has it in for us. I found
Shem's good-luck horseshoe. It's a magnet.
The scoundrel! Spent the morning reading up
on animals. Wish I knew as much about them
as Mr. ^Esop. Japheth says the peanut-eating
varieties have consumed 477,392 nuts. Nearly
had a sad disaster today. One of the bull-
frogs jumped overboard. We lowered the life-
boat, and rescued him after a chase. The water
spaniels seem to enjoy this weather. The
women folks have organized some kind of an
" anti " society. The food on board is extraordi-
nary. The salt air seems to have benefited my
appetite. Still, Mrs. Noah never could cook
like mother.
20 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND straight ahead. RAIN-
FALL 5> inches. SHIP'S RUN 4. SEA
much deeper.
REMARKS :
Did not sleep well last night. The rain on the
roof keeps me awake. Mrs. Noah went about
the Ark pinning up "No smoking" signs. All
at sea about our course. If the world is round we
are all right. If it's flat we may topple off the
edge. We ancients are greatly handicapped.
Wish Columbus had lived before my time.
Japheth and I spent the whole morning trying
to figure where we are. His calculations make
us sailing south of the Dead Sea. Mine show
we are over Sheba. I'm right because I'm the
captain. The camels still won't drink. Had
to scold Ham for trying to steal the fish- worms.
I'll bet he wanted to go fishing tomorrow.
Took my bath.
" Spent the morning
reading up on animals "
22 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND cool. SEA same.
SHIP'S RUN 2.
REMARKS :
No services. Shem ran into my cabin this
morning. He was greatly excited. He said the
bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the metrio-
rhynchus superciliosus, and the long-horned
brontotherium had climbed out of their stalls,
and were fighting with the macanchenia pata-
gonica and the testudo periniana. I went down-
stairs and found that the bothriospondylus
madagascariensis, the metriorhynchus super-
ciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium
were not fighting with the macanchenia pata-
gonica and the testudo periniana, but with the
sceliditherium leptocephalum and the pachy-
discus peramphus. The noise of the battle
awoke the machairodus negasus, the horplo-
phorus ornatus, and the pareiasaurus serridens.
They began to purr. It was a good thing for me
I was not stepped on while stopping the fight.
Gol darn the fellow who gave animals such
names.
"It's a good thing for
me I wasn't stepped on
while stopping the fight'*
THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY.
WEATHER rain.
SHIP'S RUN 2.
COURSE straight ahead.
WIND dry. SEA smooth.
REMARKS :
Twenty days out. Rain half over. Camels
took a drink today. First time since the tenth.
I'd hate to be a camel. I won the pool on the
ship's run. We have to watch the flies all the
time to keep them away from the fly-paper.
Shem complains that the lions eat too much
meat. Meat is expensive these days. I'm
going to try feeding them hay. Shot craps
awhile this afternoon with Japh. We are using
the sun-dials again. During the night the
ostrich broke into the chart room and swallowed
my Ingersoll chronometer. It takes 24 life
preservers to go around the elephant.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 25
TUESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND up a bit. SEA start-
ing to blow. SHIP'S RUN y 2 .
REMARKS :
I am sure this is a record rain. Read all the
weather reports, but can't find any to beat it.
Wish I had spent more time in zoos when I was
ashore. There are some details about animals
which I do not know. Today I wanted to find
out why the canaries always attack the cuttle-
fish. The girls spent the afternoon playing
bridge. War in camp now. Mrs. Noah has
named her diplodocus carnegiei "Yorick." It
makes me laugh to see them promenading the
deck together. The mice broke out today.
26 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND worse. SEA worse.
SHIP'S RUN ^.
REMARKS :
The typhoid fever germs are looking thin. I
don't know who to feed them on. Sometimes I
think it would be a good idea to throw them
overboard, but I'm too tender-hearted. My
rain-coat leaks. Caught a bad cold. Mrs.
Noah made a mustard foot-bath for me to-
night. Drank two goblets of sassafras tea.
Mrs. Ham tried to give me some patent medi-
cine. No sir, I'll stick to the old-fashioned
remedies every time. The Ark is a bad place
for a rheumatic. Caught Ham making hiero-
glyphics of me today.
" Never saw
such rain "
28 THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND terrible. SEA wild.
SHIP'S RUN minus 19
REMARKS :
I stood on the bridge eighteen hours during a
storm. Never saw such waves. Some were as
high as the Tower of Babel is going to be. A
few broke into the funnels. Ham was flooded
out of the engine room. We used racks on the
table, and had trouble with the soup. The
hippo rolled over one of the mice and nearly
squashed it. The animals got all mixed up.
The lightning turned the condensed milk sour.
Mrs. Shem says she will be able to make cheese
out of it. Had to throw the library overboard
to save the ship. I saved the almanac, ^Esop's
animal book, the dictionary, and the Every-
man's Encyclopedia. The sea is quieting now.
I'm dead tired. Now to bed. I wonder where
mother-in-law is tonight ?
30 THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND less. SEA less.
SHIP'S RUN i.
REMARKS:
While making an inspection of the fowls of
the air, I heard someone talking. Thought it
was a stowaway until I found two Irish-green
birds with Hebraic beaks and the voice of a
man. They are the most wonderful birds I
ever saw. One of them hollered ' 'hello," and
the other says something about a cracker.
I'm going to make friends with them. Took
them to my stateroom. They eat sunflower
seed and climb with their faces.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 31
SATURDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND from astern. SEA
quiet. SHIP'S RUN resumed normal speed.
REMARKS :
I must be careful what I say before those
green birds. While hunting for a collar-button
I bumped my head. When Mrs. Noah came
into the room they repeated what I said. I
wish it would stop raining so I could paint the
ship. Yorick keeps pawing at the stateroom
door during the night. He is worse than a wolf.
I don't dare say anything. Bath.
32 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND shifty. SEA same.
SHIP'S RUN 3.
REMARKS :
Not a sign of a let-up in the rain. Services
this A.M. One of those impudent birds called
me "whiskers" today. I hung them down in
the engine room for punishment. Mrs. Noah
said it was cruel to leave them in that smoky
place. Tonight she brought them back to the
stateroom. Their language was shocking.
They had learned a lot of new words. I like
Sundays. We always have ice-cream for dinner.
I caught Ham fishing today. Put the fish-
worms in the safe. I don't trust him. Shem
says the lookout barrel is too tight for him.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 33
MONDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND moist. SEA cheer-
less. SHIP'S RUN 2.
REMARKS :
Another wash-day ruined. We can't stand
those birds any more. I think Ham must have
taught them that strange language. I locked
them up in the booby hatch so they won't
contaminate the other birds. Came into the
cabin with muddy feet today. Mrs. Noah gave
it to me. I don't see why I can't do as I please
on my own Ark. Had my hair cut. These
ship barbers are miserable and their prices are
exorbitant. Won pool on ship's run. The
women keep asking me when the rain will stop.
They want to use their kodaks.
34 THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND abating. SEA
squally. SHIP'S RUN i.
REMARKS :
I am awakened every morning by the crew
scrubbing. It sounds as though they bring
the trunks out of the hold and shuffle them
around the decks. We had quite a hunt this
afternoon. Some of the ant-eaters' food es-
caped. Mrs. Japheth finally found them in the
preserves. The rhino had a bad accident last
night. He tripped while walking downstairs.
Several square feet of hide was torn off. We
riveted on a piece of boiler plate.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
35
WEDNESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND high. SEA dis-
turbed. SHIP'S RUN y 2 .
REMARKS :
Greatly disappointed at breakfast. My day
for the egg, but the hen didn't lay one. The
male whale has a bad attack of eczema. I must
be careful of that fish. I have to save him for
Jonah. My steamer rug is almost worn out.
Ouch! I just killed a mosquito. I don't mind
their singing, but I can't get used to their bites.
One of my back teeth began to ache.
36 THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND same. SEA same.
SHIP'S RUN same.
REMARKS :
An all-day rain. I can't get along with Mrs.
Ham. About all she can do is sit around and
try to look pretty. She can't even do that very
well. Her family thought Ham married her
for her money. Some women are so useless.
Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth are so different.
They are sympathetic and love the cargo. They
seem to realize I have done quite a favour in
bringing them along. It does my heart good to
see Mrs. Shem pet those pigs. She would make
a dandy snake-charmer. That Ham woman
only plays with the French poodle and the
pomeranian. Today she refused to feed the
mosquitoes. She said they make lumps on her
arms.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 37
FRIDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND hot. SEA peace-
ful. SHIP'S RUN 3.
REMARKS:
Set the sun-dial ahead half an hour. Have to
do that every day to keep up with the run of the
ship. The giraffe has a cold in his throat. Mrs.
Noah took all my red flannels and forty pounds
of bacon to make a bandage. I get all muddled
up when I try to figure where we are. The first
officers thinks we are off the coast of Egypt.
That's where they are going to build the pyra-
mids. I guess we are sailing along the African
coast. Keeping a sharp lookout for pirates.
The women folks are always asking me when
it will stop raining. They say nobody will
believe they have been away unless they are
sunburned.
38 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND tempered. SEA
none. SHIP'S RUN none. Stopped for repairs.
REMARKS :
Rained pitchforks all day. Put an extra
officer on deck to watch for pirates. The high
seas are dangerous in these prehistoric days.
Ham won't let his wife tend the whales. He
says her clothes smell fishy. I'll never go
through another flood so short-handed. Shem
tells me I ought to put the latitude and longi-
tude in the log. I didn't like to show my igno-
rance so I said I would, but I won't. This damp
weather has a depressing effect on the officers
and the family. It also is making the canary
seed sprout, and putting mould on the hay.
Guess all the mines are flooded by this time.
I had stock in several guaranteed to pay 200
per cent. Hope they are waterproof. Wish it
were the fortieth. Bath.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 39
SUNDAY.
REMARKS :
Services this A.M. We are saving the collec-
tion until we get ashore. I'm 600 years old
today. I'll be grey soon. The family got tired
pounding me. Tonight the officers and their
wives gave me a surprise party. Mrs. Shem
baked a cake, but you couldn't see it for candles.
Mrs. Japheth gave me some records for the
talking machine. Shem gave me a red tie.
Ham gave me no, he didn't give me anything.
He wished me many happy returns of the day.
His wife presented me with a pair of dancing
sandals. Japheth donated a bottle of hair
tonic. Mrs. Noah knitted me some socks and a
nightcap.
I'm getting along in years, but, still, grandpa
was something like 1000 before they made a
mummy out of him. I want to get away with
this trip. It will be a good thing for my reputa-
tion. Perhaps it will make me famous. I want
my posterity to have a fine opinion of me. It's
a good thing for them I was born. I'd like to
live a few hundred years more to see some of
my descendants, but it isn't a good thing to
have too much to do with one's relations. I
40 THE LOG OF THE ARK
wonder where I'll be when I am 700? Mrs.
Noah did not abuse me once today. No pirates
yet.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 41
T
MONDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND variable. SEA full
of seaweed. SHIP'S RUN 2.
REMARKS :
The welsh rarebit we had at my party last
night kept me awake. I wonder what that
latitude and longitude is? I ought to have
taken a course in navigation before I undertook
this trip. We are using the flint and steel
again. The matches are too damp. Mrs. Ham
complains about the butter. She says it is
rancid. She can't expect a Ritz-Carlton aboard.
It was guaranteed for a year. If I ever find the
manufacturer I'll make him live up to his
agreement. My umbrella needs re-covering.
This weather is certainly monotonous. No
pirates yet.
42 THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND invariable. SEA
middling. SHIP'S RUN 2.
REMARKS :
I was nearly scared to death last night. The
dogs awakened me. The Irish setters barked
with a pronounced brogue. At first I thought
someone was breaking into the chicken coop
then I thought of the pirates! Put on my night-
cap, took a candle, and went below. Someone
hollered, "Who?" I said, "I'm Noah, and
who are you or I'll fire? " I was scared stiff. No
answer. I couldn't find anybody except the
two birds that sleep all day. They kept winking
and blinking at me. Didn't find any pirates,
but I went back to bed and dreamed about them.
Ham says that's what I get for reading ten
shekel novels.
" / went back to bed and
dreamed about pirates "
43
44 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND puffy. SEA dismal.
SHIP'S RUN 3.
REMARKS :
Seven kittens came aboard during the night.
I don't know what on earth to do with them.
Ham wants to feed them to the iguanodon
bernissartensis. I think they ought to go into
the rain-water barrel. Mrs. Noah and the girls
say they will never speak to me if I drown
them. I'm resting easier. We're out of the
pirate belt. Our charts are worthless now.
The water is too deep for them. Threw a keg
of butter overboard this afternoon.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 45
THURSDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND blowy. SEA
swelly. SHIP'S RUN y^.
REMARKS :
Ha! ha! Ham sat on the porcupine. Poor
Shem was stung while feeding the bees. They
ought to be muzzled. Have decided to let
those kittens live. I detest a family quarrel.
We moved the pigs' sty to the extreme stern.
Passed over Damascus at 4.32. Mrs. Ham told
us all about her visits to the place with her
parents. It was a fine old town. That reminds
me a fellow there owed me seven and a half
camels.
46
THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER foggy. SEA foggy. SHIP'S RUN
foggy.
REMARKS :
Rain and fog. There ought to be a law com-
pelling shipowners to muffle their fog-horns.
Mine kept me awake all last night. The
dinosaur eats a ton of hay at a meal. If that
keeps up we'll have to put into some port for
more provisions. Mrs. Noah visited the bowels
of the ship today. She came up crying. She
said the hyenas laughed at her. They are
braver than Mr. Noah. Mrs. Shem is teaching
the goats to eat the soup tins. That will save a
little hay. Ah! that woman is fine and eco-
nomical.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 47
SATURDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND less. SEA less.
SHIP'S RUN i.
REMARKS :
Barometer going up. My rheumatism is
much better. The clouds seem to be breaking.
I believe it will clear. I'm so used to this rain
I almost hate to see it stop. One night more
and we'll be able to sit on deck. I had every-
body guessing at the supper table. I asked
them where Moses is going to be when the light
goes out. The officers and their wives are trying
to guess. I made a muffler for the fog-horn
today. Now, let it fog. Took my bath.
48 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER rain. WIND dying. SEA calm.
SHIP'S RUN 3.
REMARKS :
Fortieth day out. Rain almost over.
Services this A.M. Ham went to sleep during
the sermon. This afternoon I sat around talk-
ing to the girls. They love to hear me tell how
I captured the animals. Today I told them
about lassoing the Wild West buffaloes. Had
to get the trunks out of the hold. Mrs. Noah
wanted her parasol. Everybody more cheerful.
Had the harpactocaicinus punctulatus out for
an airing. Something must be wrong with
them. They only walked sideways. Looked
them up in the encyclopedia and found they
were nothing but common crabs. Nobody has
guessed my riddle. Mrs. Noah quit kicking
about her corns. Now, I know it will stop
raining. Well, the old Dreadnought weathered
the rain all right.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
49
MONDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER fine. WIND stopped. SEA blue.
SHIP'S RUN 5.
REMARKS :
Punctually at one second after eight bells
midnight the rain ceased. The day dawned
bright and clear. Deck was covered with wash
all morning. My, but the sun felt good!
Curried the rust off the two donkey engines.
The ladies began using their kodaks this after-
noon. I had to pose for my picture. After
supper we all promenaded the promenade deck.
It was clear tonight so we used the search-
light. Much interesting debris about. It is
dangerous to navigation. Everything smells
so nice after the shower. Shem says he can't
quite tell where we are by the stars, but he
thinks we are south of the dipper. Started
painting the ship. Nobody has guessed my
riddle.
50 THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER clear. WIND balmy. SEA fine.
SHIP'S RUN 5.
REMARKS :
The ladies spent the morning ironing. I
rigged up the deck shuffle-board and practised.
The list of the ship makes the game interesting.
I find my umbrella comes in handy to keep
off the sun. The girls are now afraid they will
be tanned. Sat in steamer chair most of the
afternoon. Tonight, Shem, Ham, Japheth,
and their wives are sitting on deck and singing
old songs. I won't be able to get asleep. I
wonder if they think this is a Cook's tour?
Had to tell the answer to my joke. I thought
Shem would die laughing. The dear boy does
enjoy humour. We are trying to see who can
walk around the deck the greatest number of
times. My nose is beginning to peel. My,
this weather is glorious !
THE LOG OF THE ARK 51
WEDNESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER clear. WIND same. SEA delight-
ful. SHIP'S RUN 5.
REMARKS :
Still painting ship. Mrs. Ham caught her
dress in it. Poor Ham got an awful lecture.
She complained to the captain, but I beat it to
the bridge. Some women are so funny. The
moon came up tonight. All the young married
people are out on deck spooning. It's a peculiar
thing how the moon and steamers affect some
people. I can hear Mrs. Noah snoring now. A
few hundred years ago we also used to be senti-
mental. Put up the awnings today. Walked
around the deck 24 times after supper. Wish
there were some nice old school teachers aboard.
52 THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER clear. WIND same. SEA same.
SHIP'S RUN same.
REMARKS :
The crew continue scrubbing the decks.
They did it in the rainy weather, and now it's
just the same. This ship etiquette is a nuisance.
I'm up in the air about my two tadpoles.
I don't know what has become of them. Found
two frogs in their cage. I don't know where
they came from either. Perhaps they ate my
two pollywogs. Now I have four frogs and no
tadpoles. We have thrown overboard 1,119,111
microbes to date. I only need two of each kind.
I'm getting prouder of my animals every day.
I have the finest collection in captivity. The
back of my neck is blistered. Had a bad scare
today. Saw what we thought was a periscope
but found it was only one of Mrs. Noah's ear
trumpets which had fallen overboard.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
53
FRIDAY. COURSE straight ahead. WEATHER
clear. WIND same. SEA same. SHIP'S
RUN same.
REMARKS :
We tried to give the ichthyosaurus quadris-
cessus an airing. She made the ship list so
badly we had to drive her back to the steerage.
Guess the second officer fell asleep on the
bridge. He did not call me for my watch.
The ladies always want to come up on the bridge
when I am there. I had to take them through
the Ark today. Mrs. Ham made some sarcas-
tic remarks. She said she had frequently crossed
on more luxurious vessels. That may be, but
she never had a trip like this. These women
are a perfect nuisance, but a captain has to be
polite. Walked around deck 16 times.
54
THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER same. WIND same. SEA same.
SHIP'S RUN same.
REMARKS :
Today we sprinkled a barrel of eau de cologne
in the steerage and second cabin. Posed again
for my picture. Mrs. Shem promises to send
me one if it is good. Had the ladies in my
cabin for tea. They asked many questions
about my experiences at sea. I told them a few
old yarns. Gave them all my autograph.
If those potato-bugs don't soon lose their
appetites we will run out of spuds. Walked
around deck 10 times. Bath.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 55
SUNDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER same. WIND same. SEA same.
SHIP'S RUN same.
REMARKS :
Services. I have a hard time getting the men
to church this clear weather. Put on my Sun-
day clothes today. It's a nuisance to dress in
these little staterooms. Every time I change
my robes I have to pull the trunk from under the
bunk, and then the things I want are usually
in the trunks in the hold. These women ask
me so many foolish questions. I have to explain
the machinery, the charts, and tell them how I
run the Ark. They pester the life out of me
with "What is this?" and "What is that for?"
If they bother me tomorrow- I'm going to hide.
Walked around the deck eight times. We
have prunes every Sunday night for supper.
56 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WASHDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER same. WIND same. SEA same.
SHIP'S RUN same.
REMARKS:
Women folks down below washing. I was
awfully lonely all day. Now that the wireless
is out of commission the ladies are using the
wires for a clothes line. Ham says the moles
are burrowing in the coal. The goats nearly ate
the fish-worms' pan. The two mules with the
tiger's skin are overeating. Still painting the
Ark. The laundry on this ship is miserable.
My collars are like saws. I'm getting corns on
my hands from steering. Walked around deck
five times.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 57
TUESDAY. COURSE straight ahead.
WEATHER same. WIND same. SEA same.
SHIP'S RUN same.
REMARKS :
One of the bulldogs buried his bone in the
coal. He wouldn't let Ham go near the bunkers.
If I hadn't gone down cellar and chased him
back tp his kennel the Ark would have stopped.
Ham is a big coward to be afraid of a little bull-
dog. Was shocked this afternoon. Found the
women folks in the smoke room holding a suf-
frage powwow. These women will want to run
everything some day. I can remember the
time when they knew where they belonged. I
haven't any use for these modern notions.
I'm tired writing all this dope about the
course, weather, etc. I'm going to quit it even
if I lose my job. Besides, I'm running out of
stone and my chisels are getting dull.
58 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY. COURSE I forgot, I'm not
going to write that any more.
REMARKS:
Spent the morning writing letters. Shem
called my attention to the fact that I call the
right hand side of the Ark the right side, and the
left hand side the left side. He says I should
say "port" for the port side, and "starboard"
for the starboard side or something like that.
He seems to forget this is my first flood and I'm
liable to make a few mistakes. Ham dressed
up the girl monkey, and took out the hand-
organ. He thought I would give him some
shekels, but he was mistaken.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY.
59
REMARKS :
Wish the hen would lay more than one egg a
day. We take turns eating it for breakfast.
Eight days is a long time to wait. I'm going to
suggest omelets. Shem propounded a good
one tonight. He asked why a hen crosses the
boulevard. I laughed so hard it hurt. Mrs.
Shem took my picture again today. Four of
the seven kittens each found seven more kittens.
Moved the bookworms from the hold to
Mrs. Noah's cook book. They ought to find
something they like in it. The ravens make a
lot of noise at night. I would choke them, only
I need one later. Mrs. Noah brings Yorick
into the dining-room at meal time. I never did
like to see people feed pets at the table. One
of the fleas is lost.
60 THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
We had our dance tonight. It was a glorious
success. I'm all out of breath, and dead tired
now. I danced through my birthday dancing
sandals. We decorated the deck with flags and
Japanese lanterns, and sprinkled candle grease
on the dance floor to make it glide. Shem and
Mrs. Japheth were the orchestra. I had eleven
dances with Mrs. Shem, and only stepped on her
feet twice and her dress once. Ham is a rough
dancer. He bumped my partner. Mrs. Noah
wore a new gown. I did not think it was becom-
ing because it was cut too decollete. I don't see
why these old women like to look so young.
Mr. and Mrs. Japheth did one of those new
dances. I forget what they call it something
about a turkey. Rather unedifying I thought.
If there had been any ministers around, I bet
they would have passed resolutions. We
danced the minuet seventy times, and the Sir
Roger de Coverley twenty. I was mixed up
once in awhile because I hadn't danced some
of those dances for over 300 years. We didn't
have any Egyptian dances.
"We had our
dance to-night "
61
62 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY.
REMARKS :
Had our only real catastrophe today. I'm
broken hearted. I'm weeping now. I took the
two unicorns out on deck for exercise. They
insisted on climbing along the gunwale. They
liked nothing better. I was afraid they would
fall overboard. They did. It took Ham a long
time to stop the Ark. He forgot which levers
to pull. When we got back to the place where
the unicorns fell overboard there was nothing
to be seen but bubbles. The poor dears couldn't
swim. It was the saddest moment in my life.
Shem says it may all be for the best because
they were only good for designs on escutcheons
and coats of arms. I take great comfort in his
words, but I am afraid people will always say
that unicorns were a myth. All the flags are at
half-mast. Something is making me scratch.
I notice some red spots on my person. Took
my bath.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 63
SUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT Shem says
there's no fun using the wireless unless you can
talk to somebody.
REMARKS :
Services this morning. I am tired of preach-
ing. Wish there had been some good ministers.
The candles are giving out. Was struck with
a bright idea. Took the two lightning bugs
and put them in a wine bottle. Hung it from
the chandelier. Great success. House-cleaned
the aquarium this afternoon. I can't see
why the white fish don't get along with the
smoked herring. Mrs. Noah located that flea.
64 THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
We played charades tonight. Ham and hib
wife came as Adam and Eve. We guessed them
in a minute. Japheth put on a suit of my robes,
and came as me. I guessed him by the beard.
Mrs. Noah was an Egyptian princess, who fell
in love with some foreigners. I forget her
name. Mrs. Japheth appeared as a Chaldean
suffragette. We gave her up until she smashed
a few portholes.
I came disguised with a lantern. Walked
around the deck looking for someone. They
couldn't guess me. Then I went up to a looking-
glass and shook hands with myself. They
couldn't even guess me after that. Afterwards,
Ham said he. thought I was Diogenes but I threw
him off the scent when I shook hands with
myself.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 65
TUESDAY.
REMARKS :
Mrs. Ham wants me to give her the feathers
of the birds of paradise if they die. Ham
played a mean trick on me today. While I
was on the bridge he ran up and said somebody
wanted me on the telephone. I was half-way
down the ladder before I tumbled. Mrs.
Shem made candy this afternoon. She gave
me a whole pan to myself. I do like that woman.
Mrs. Noah wishes there were some other
women on the Ark to talk about. Gave the
apple worms a fresh apple. Caught Ham
fishing in the gold-fish bowl.
66
THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Spent the morning tacking a screen around
the two spider- webs to keep the flies from bother-
ing the poor bugs. Fed the moths the last,
piece of brussels carpet today. Those two
sphinxes haven't eaten a single thing on the
voyage. I've read somewhere they only eat
mummies.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY.
REMARKS :
Nothing happened today.
68 THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
We're almost over the equator. Quite warm.
Wish we had brought some electric fans.
That moose of mine has a dandy pair of antlers.
I'd like to have them for a hat-rack. Yorick
scratched up the flower box. Mrs. Noah never
said a word. If one of my animals had done
that, I never would have heard the end of it.
It beats me where all these kittens are coming
from. Put the canaries in the safe.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY.
REMARKS :
Made inventory of cargo. All present. It's
a grand sight to see them all lined up. It's a
wonder I can remember all their names. I do
get mixed on the Latin pronunciation occasion-
ally, but the family never notice it. Anyway,
I can't see the use of giving a fly such a high-
faluting name as "musca domestica." The
women folks make a lot of fuss over the pea-
cocks. They're too fancy for me. I like some-
thing plain like a hippopotamus. It might be
a good plan to catalogue these animals while I
have them all together. But I'm not a zoolo-
gist. I 'm a shipbuilder and navigator. My day
to eat the egg. Slipped Mrs. Noah's muff into
the moths' den. It ought to make good pasture
for them. Took my bath.
70 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT Do your
Christmas shopping early.
REMARKS:
Services. We're over India. It's a shame we
are so close to these interesting places and can't
see them. Shem says we are nearer the horizon
today than any time on the cruise. Ham can't
see any use in hanging up the red and green
lights at night. As long as I'm captain I'm
going to run the Ark according to the rules.
Who ever heard of an Ark at sea without lights?
No ice-cream for dinner today. The freezer
is broken. Mrs. Noah found her muff. She
was furious.
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
Can't understand two little birds among my
specimens. They roost in the top of the clock.
Every once in awhile they come out and
holler "coo-coo." I have tried everything to
make them eat. They don't like bird-seed.
Now, I'm tempting them with worms. Took
Mrs. Noah's boa to the moths' den. I was
caught. She won't talk to me now. That
woman is heartless. She wouldn't care if the
dear animals starved to death. I'll have to feed
them blotting paper. Repaired the freezer.
72 THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
We can't keep the fox terrier away from the
talking machine.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
73
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Had all the creeping things out for exercise.
The deck was quite alive. I have made pets
of all the animals on the Ark with the exception
of some of these. Take the St. Vitus dance
microbes for instance they are entirely too
unsympathetic for me. I don't care much for
the snakes either. They are the things that
got my great-great-great-great -grandmother
into trouble. One of the grasshoppers tried to
jump overboard. Japh, Ham and their wives
sit too late in the smoke room. Those children
ought to go to bed early. Mrs. Shem says the
Noah family eats so much the pigs are getting
thin. Seven more kittens today.
74 THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY.
REMARKS :
One of the megatheriums presented her hus-
band with a little seventy-five foot daughter.
We're too crowded as it is. Shem and I fed
her a couple of barrels of chloroform, and then
threw it overboard. It will make a fine fossil for
some museum. Mrs. Noah gave a progressive
bridge tonight. I had to go. I don't see why
one can't sit at the same table all evening. Still,
the moving keeps me awake. Mrs. Shem won a
stamp album, and Ham got a chafing-dish.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
75
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
Posed again for my picture. Yorick has
eaten all the Spratt's biscuits. Dropped one of
the clay pigeons, but did not break him.
Spent morning whitewashing the chicken coop.
Fourteen more kittens today. Passed
several floating Verboten signs. We must be
over Germany. Mrs. Ham had to tell us all
about her travels in that country. There's a
little hundred-footer in the thousand-legged
bunk.
76 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY.
REMARKS :
Mrs. Japheth made a faux pas this morning.
She shouted, "Ship ahoy." We all ran to the
railing and looked. She insisted she saw smoke
beyond the horizon. If there's anything to be
seen the man on the lookout ought to see it first.
I spend a good deal of time on the bridge
these days. We are in the path of the liners and
I don't want a collision. But I guess we won't
sink. We have twelve rats aboard. Bath.
77
78 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
One of the bats broke up church. The women
crawled under the pews when we began the
chase. Ham smashed a mirror. He'll have
seven years' bad luck. I finally hit the bird with
a tennis racket, and chased him back to his
cage. I don't know, but I believe Ham let him
out. I had a good sermon for today, too. I
was going to tell the congregation about the
sins of the world. They'll get that sermon yet.
The cook says we are running out of provi-
sions. Our water supply is still good. My day
for the egg. We're crossing the JEgean Sea.
Mrs. Ham had to tell us about her last voyage.
Going to have a mock trial tomorrow.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 79
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
Had the mock trial tonight. I was arrested
on the charge of cruelty to animals. Mrs.
Noah swore out the warrant. Japheth was the
cop, and Ham the prosecuting attorney. Mrs.
Noah was the first witness. She told the court
I made the bats sleep upside down, that I
wouldn't let the mock turtles mock, and that I
put sawdust in the bran I fed the megatherium
cubieri. Mrs. Ham then took the stand and
declared I never opened the sardine cans before
I fed them to the whales, that I threw my sandle-
jack at the cats, and knocked the stuffin' out
of the teddybears. Mrs. Japheth testified I
put the chameleon on the crazy-quilt, and that
I never cleaned the leopards. Of course, I
didn't do any of these things, but I do wish I had
taken a punch at Yorick.
Mrs. Shem was my witness. She said I had
been a member of the S. P. C. A. from infancy,
that I was a couple of pillars of the temple, that
I had done my best to make the bats roost like
a regular chicken, and that she had frequently
seen me trying to clean the spots off the leopards
with benzine. Shem was my lawyer. He de-
clared the accusations were pure blackmail, and
that I was too young to be so cruel. The first
witness, he said, showed her incompetence by
8o
THE LOG OF THE ARK
pronouncing "megatherium cubieri," "megathe-
rium cubieri" and not "megatherium cubieri."
The other witnesses were all in the pay of the
animal trust, according to my attorney, and as
far as the chameleon charge was concerned he
produced evidence to show the bugs like nothing
better than a crazy-quilt to display their talents.
In ending his speech, Shem said I was the
greatest animal keeper who ever lived, and that
it would be a blot on ancient history should I be
convicted. I was unanimously acquitted by
the jury.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 81
TUESDAY.
REMARKS :
Spent morning in the monkey fo'csle. I'd
hate to think I was a descendant of theirs. I
once asked grandpa about that story. He said
he had talked it over with his grandmother.
She told him grandpa Adam often declared the
fabrication to be a deliberate lie. I don't know
what to do with the Ark after we land. Perhaps
I can sell it to some curiosity or second-hand
dealer. The crane stood on his other leg to-
day. I felt sorry for the bugs in the hold, so I
put an ark light down there.
82 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Christmas must be coming. Mrs. Noah has
stopped complaining. She says I am looking so
young. Mrs. Ham warmed my slippers to-
night. Ham is really working. A litter of pigs
came aboard. Pigs is pigs. Anyway, they are
more practical than kittens. It's against my
principles to eat pork, so we are going to make
them into sausage. Ham hopes the oysters
have little ones. He says he would enjoy a good
oyster-stew. Put on my diver's suit this after-
noon, and went overboard to see if my two
barnacles were still on the keel. They were.
" Went over-
board to see
if my two
barnacles
were still on
the keel"
84 THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY.
REMARKS :
The night before Christmas. Everybody
hung their stockings before the fireplace. Ham
wanted me to play Santa, and climb down the
funnel. I knew if I did he would pile on more
coal. The family couldn't do enough for me to-
night. I finally decided to play Santa Claus.
Dressed up like a real toy-store Kriss Kringle.
We had a jolly good time in the cabin. Deco-
rated the tree, and hung some mistletoe from
the chandelier. I caught Mrs. Shem several
times. Mrs. Noah had to get jealous, and sat
under it.
I don't think they would have known who
I was if my beard had not caught fire. Every-
body lost their heads. The girls fainted. The
boys ran for the fire buckets. I finally got a
fire-extinguisher going, but the thing was so old-
fashioned several inches of whiskers were burned
before I put out the flames.
" Several inches of
whiskers were burned
86 THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
Christmas peace on earth, good will to men.
Up early to see what was in my stocking. We
had a family gathering in the saloon this morn-
ing. Received the most original presents. Mrs.
Ham gave me some cigars (haven't smoked any
yet) and a pink lounging jacket. The family
gave me: handkerchiefs, a stick pin, Christmas
cards, another red tie, slippers, a knitted shirt,
and a pair of skates. Ham gave me subscrip-
tions to several magazines. I gave Mrs. Noah
a handsome pair of anklets, and a cut-glass
salad bowl. Gave Japheth his first razor. He's
only 82 and hasn't much of a beard. I gave the
ladies the regular Christmas presents.
When I was a child I enjoyed Christmas more
than I do now. It's too expensive for a man
with a family as large as mine. People do give
such inappropriate presents. I never looked
well in a red necktie. Had a real plum-pudding
for dinner, but I think the plums were prunes.
Oh! yes, I did not get my egg today. They
made aggnog out of it. We opened a barrel of
candy. I'm glad the day is over.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 87
SATURDAY.
REMARKS :
Lit a Christmas cigar. I never heard one
spatter as much when it hit the water. The
slippers pinch my feet. Yorick walked in my
way today. I gave him a kick. Mrs. Noah
saw me. She jawed me and said I had to stop
kicking her pet around. Mrs. Ham complained
to the captain that Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Ja-
pheth keep taking her steamer chair. I told her
she would have to see the deck steward about
it. I wish Ham would work more and draw
less. Took my bath.
88 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
I would like to see a newspaper. Those
two Texas steers are mighty interesting. Just
to think what a big trust their descendants will
figure in. The poor guineapigs caught their
tails in the machinery today. Now, they will
have to go through the generations tailless.
Tried to smoke another Christmas cigar while
promenading the deck with Mrs. Noah. How
we men do suffer for our wives' sake. Acci-
dentally dropped it overboard. We're sailing
up the Jordan River. Of course, Mrs. Ham
told us all about her last trip. That woman has
travelled a bit, and continually says, "When I
was here the last time," or "When I was here
before." It is vulgar to talk like that. These
old travellers are pests. Hurrah! the prunes
are all gone.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 89
WASHDAY.
REMARKS:
Brought one of the Balaam trick donkeys on
deck. Ham had a terrible tumble. They
wanted me to ride him, but I thought it would
be undignified. Band concert tonight. I was
the audience. The music caused such a dis-
turbance down in the hold that the band had to
quit. I never was so grateful to those animals
before. We're going about % of a knot an
hour. I wonder if an ark ever will be built to
go as fast as one knot. There's another little
rattle in the rattlers' box. Ham took our
pictures today.
90 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Stopped all last night on account of a fog.
I'm not taking any chances with the Ark.
Gave the elephants an extra peanut today.
Japheth raised Cain with me. He's a regular
Scotchman. This afternoon we took Jumbo
out, and gave the ladies a ride. It looked like a
circus parade. Wish I had a motion picture of
it. We also had the races on deck. The boys
ran a marathon. I lost interest too long.
Afterwards I won the potato race.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 91
THURSDAY. December 31, B.C. 2349.
REMARKS :
It's tomorrow now. We all sat around
watching the old year out, and the new year in.
At eight bells midnight the Ark whistles
began to blow. The family jumped up on the
tables, waved flags and blew horns. Shem
opened a bottle of wine. This is pretty late
for me to be up, but I like a party once in
awhile. I haven't had one since the Ark was
christened.
92 THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY. January I, B.C. 2348.
REMARKS :
Wished everybody a happy yom kippur.
Am going to turn over some new leaves today.
Resolved to stop allowing Mrs. Noah to run the
Ark, to abandon wine, and swear off swearing.
I am also going to keep a diary. We had some
fine stewed rabbit for supper. Received a few
New Year cards. I am glad I have resolved to
abstain from wine. In this antiquity there is
little comfort in becoming inebriated. And,
then, I don't like that feeling I have in my head
the morning after. It would be a blessing to
humanity if someone would invent a remedy
for that pain. I use a towel and ice water. Yes,
I'm going to stop, and set a good example to
my offspring.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 93
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
The iguanodon bernissartensis laid an egg.
We thought the Ark had run aground when she
cackled. The crew and I rolled it on the scales,
but it was too heavy to weigh. Ham wanted,
his mother to make an omelet. I decided,
however, to throw it overboard for fear the
thing might hatch. It made a fine big splash.
Passed a school of drowned fish. Cut myself
this morning while shaving. I'm going to pur-
chase a safety razor as soon as I get into port.
Passed over Paris. Poor girls.
94 THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
Entertainment tonight. Pretty dull affair
except for my number which was the feature of
the evening. Brought up one of the lions, and
made him go through all his stunts jump
through rings, growl at me, etc. Then I had
the seals. They are very slippery for trainers,
but I made them juggle a flaming torch and
balance balls on their noses. Did a lot of other
circus tricks, too. Ended my performance with
a grand display of the elephant. Let him carry
me about, walk over me, and stand on a wash-
tub and beg. I do love to crack that whip.
Mrs. Ham gave a lyre solo. She struck several
false notes. Mrs. Japheth sang "Auld Lang
Syne." Ham did a hornpipe. Shem recited a
poem which he dedicated to me. It was so full of
sentiment I'm going to learn it by heart even
if I'm not much of a hand at poetry. Mrs.
Noah took up a collection for the wives of the
seamen. I don't like these ship entertainments.
I'd rather see a musical comedy with a good-
looking choir any day.
1 My number was the
feature of the evening "
96 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Today Mrs. Ham told us about a steamer
where they had a daily newspaper. I decided
to publish one. Made Shem the editor-in-
chief, Japheth the printer, Mrs. Ham the so-
ciety editor, and Ham the cartoonist. First
copy is to come from press tomorrow. We
have another camel and a wee ichthyosaurus
burgundii. One of the crickets has a sore chirp.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 97
THURSDAY.
REMARKS :
First edition of our paper came out today.
We call it the Diluvian Times. Price ]4 shekel.
Sold seven copies. Ham had a cartoon in it of
Shem. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.
Played solitare tonight to kill time. The
mock turtles have a baby mock turtle. Am
glad our paper is such a success.
98 THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
The Diluvian Times was again for sale at the
news-stand. Ham's cartoon of Mrs. Noah made
me roar. That boy certainly is clever with his
chisel. Mrs. Noah was greatly offended. I
don't see why. Twins arrived at the oyster
headquarters. Twelve more kittens today.
The German eagle and the British lion are
always growling at each other. Tonight I sat
around reading the paper.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY.
99
REMARKS :
Ham's cartoon of Japheth was capital in
today's Diluvian Times. I laugh every time
I think of it. The flies are becoming a nuisance.
They have occupied all the fly-paper. I love
my two pet flies, but I don't like their de-
scendants. Another rhino today. I boxed up
the storks.
loo THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
There wasn't a yesterday. We reached the
spot in the ocean where we captains have to
forget a day. I don't know where the 24 hours
go. If I were a younger man I would organize
an expedition to come out here and try to find
them. Pushed all the sun-dials a whole day
ahead. There's a cartoon of me in today's
Diluman Times. That impertinent Ham did it.
I didn't see anything funny in it. Some people
always spoil everything.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY.
101
REMARKS:
No Diluvian Times today. I prohibited the
publication. Spent the morning explaining
the i, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 bells to Mrs. Noah
and my daughters-in-law. They were very
thick-headed. Mrs. Noah broke her curling
iron today. I made her another out of a piece
of pipe. The premium on my life insurance
came due today. It was the first time in 479
years I've let it lapse. We have a little Yorick.
Mrs. Noah makes a lot of fuss over the puppy.
102 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Roof began to crack. We let the microbes
play in the smoke room this morning. Had
quite a time getting them back in their respec-
tive cages. That boy Shem is clever. He is a
great comfort to me. He is fond of astronomy.
It may come in handy after the fortieth. He's
fond of animals, too. He taught the rabbits to
sit up on their hind legs. One of the lap dogs
has the colic.
S
103
104 THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY.
REMARKS :
The elephant walked on my corn. By Jove,
it did hurt. I wouldn't have minded it if he had
stepped on my other foot, but oh! that corn.
The alligators were homesick today. Ham
painted some swamp scenery for them. That is
about the first useful thing he has done on the
whole trip. My back tooth still hurts and
we're a long way from a good dentist. Tried the
hot-water bag, seven poultices, and Mrs. Ham's
faith cure. Still it throbs.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
105
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
Made up my mind I would get rid of that
tooth. Thought of a fine home-made-dentist
plan to pull it. Tied one end of a string to the
tooth and the other to the handle of my state-
room door. I wanted somebody to open the
door, and then the tooth would fly out. Sat
there all day, but no one came in. Tonight I
opened the door and found some practical joker
had tacked up a "no admittance" sign. I'll
bet it was Ham.
:o6 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY.
REMARKS :
Pulled that tooth today sailor fashion. Tied
the other end of the string to the anchor, and
hung on to the mast while Shem threw it over-
board. Thought it would pull the mast up by
the roots. I don't care, I have fifteen teeth left,
but it just dawned on me I lost that anchor.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 107
SUNDAY.
REMARKS :
looth day of voyage. Services. I preached
about the dangers young people encounter in
large cities. Hope the congregation remember
my warnings. Tonight I overheard the officers
talking. Ham said there was not much fun
working for the governor as I didn't pay him
anything. He wanted to know how he could
bring up a family on those wages. Shem took
my part and said I might leave him something
in my will. Japheth reminded Ham his ex-
penses were next to nothing, and that he had
plenty to eat. He thought the Noah boys ought
to make a fortune after we land because labor
will be so cheap.
Ham said he was going in for politics, and
then he would be sure of his fortune. Japheth
said he would like to start a bank. Shem
declared he only would succeed as a professor
in some college. My, I wish one of my sons
would be a lawyer or a doctor. It gives distinc-
tion to the family. I'm glad I haven't any
daughters. All a woman thinks about is getting
married, and I'd have a hard time finding good
husbands for them.
io8
THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
Mrs. Shem and I beat Japheth and Mrs.
Japheth at deck shuffleboard. Score 100 to 97.
Mrs. Ham and Shem challenged us. I like to
play that game. It's fun pushing those stone
checkers along the deck. The boa constrictor
peeled himself today. Mrs. Ham wants the
tiger skins to make rugs. I told her she could
have them if the animals died, but I'm not going
to let them die. Engineer complains the crows
are all the time in the engine room. He's afraid
they will get mixed up in the machinery.
Hunted around the Ark and found some old
clothes and ordered him to make a scarecrow.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 109
TUESDAY.
REMARKS :
Ham is positively useless as an engineer.
During the second watch I saw a snag ahead.
I signalled "stop" to the engineer. Ham came
up from the engine room and wanted to know
why. We hit that snag. I'll never let him
engineer me through another flood. Exercised
the lobsters. Something must be wrong with
their differential gears. They only walk back-
wards. Hoisted the sails to help the coal.
I io THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me
at shuffleboard today. Score 100 to 23. They
did not play fair. They always waited till the
Ark was steady before they shuffled. Broke my
monocle while playing. A little mammoth
came aboard. Boxed up the storks again.
After tea the ladies patched the sails. The
male missing-link is down with the gout.
Spent evening looking at the family album.
Shem and Mrs. Ham
beat Mrs. Shem and me "
in
112
THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY.
REMARKS :
Today all the dog licenses expired, but we're
not liable to run into any dog-catchers out here.
We played a new game tonight. Ham
painted a donkey without a tail on a sheet. We
all had little tails made out of cloth, and took
turns being blindfolded, and trying to pin them
on the place where the donkey's tail commences.
I know I would have hit the spot because I took
a good look before they tied up my eyes, but
that villain Ham started me off in the opposite
direction to the painting. Mrs. Ham says she
does not like to ride on a ship with patched sails.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
Am tired of these continental breakfasts, and
this condensed milk. Wish I had saved the
library. I have read everything on board with
the exception of the old time-table, and I'll
finish that tomorrow. Mrs. Shem gave a tea
in the music room this afternoon. Have
stopped playing shuffleboard. Nobody will let
me beat them at the game. The two crows
like to roost in the lookout's barrel. The crew
now call the place the crows' nest. Put the
scarecrow up there to keep them from inter-
fering with the work of the sailors.
1 14 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.
REMARKS :
We are spending the week-end painting the
ship. I must live up to the traditions of the
sea. Ham reported seeing a sea-serpent during
his watch last night. I don't know about the
serpent but I do know he was in the buffet a
long time before he went on the bridge. The
company that sold me the coal cheated me.
Their slate won't burn. This clear weather is
awfully monotonous. We officers have worn a
rut in the bridge where we walk. One of the big
rabbits with a long tail and a pouch appeared
on deck today with a youngster. Finished the
time-table this afternoon. Took my bath.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 115
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
Held a lifeboat drill this afternoon. The
crew were not very rapid. It took i}4 hours to
get the boat in the water. All the ropes were
tangled. Had a talking machine concert this
evening. Am tired of the records. Wish I
could get some new ones. Not a very interest-
ing day. Did not take my watch this A.M. It
was cloudy, and the sun-dial alarm never went
off.
Ii6 THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY.
REMARKS :
Another lifeboat drill today. Such a block-
head crew! Still painting ship. Tonight I
made out a new will. I'm leaving the Ark, my
insurance and bank account to my widow,
provided she never marries again. Shem gets
my spy-glass, the charts, and this log-book.
I'm giving my evening robes, the engines, and
the fish- worms to Ham. Japheth is to have my
razor, top hat, and other personal effects. I
willed the beautiful, plush-covered family album,
some stock in the Damascus-Bagdad Oriental
Rug Weaving Company, and my mining stock
to the girls. The animals and the earth I divide
equally among the family.
I gave some explicit instructions regarding
my funeral. I want to become a real fine
mummy, bound in A No. I, four ply tire tape,
and tattooed by a good undertaker. The case
is to be waterproof. I make a special request
that I shall never be exhibited in a museum.
But I don't want to be a mummy for a few
centuries.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 117
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Tomorrow I'll be a rich man. We are going
to have a rabbit and turtle race. Bet all the
officers 5 to i on the turtle. I saw all the officers
winking, but they don't know I got a tip from
^Esop's animal book. It may be wrong to bet
on a sure thing, but the money will stay in the
family anyway. Held another lifeboat drill
today. The boat was in the ocean in one hour.
That was a big improvement. Everything went
all right, only we couldn't find the oars.
US
THE LOG OF THE ARK
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
Held the derby today. I'm a ruined man.
Threw that nature-faker's book overboard. He
was either like most authors, or he had a differ-
ent kind of a turtle. By jove, my turtle hadn't
reached the first hurdle before the rabbit was
under the wire. Insisted on another lifeboat
drill. I don't know what's the matter with that
crew of mine. Two hours were spent in getting
the boat in the sea. I'm not going to let them
practise any more.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
119
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
The ice machine broke today. Engineer
spent the whole day trying to repair it. I tried
also, but the engine was like a Chinese puzzle
to me. The poor polar bears are suffering.
Ordered the women folks to take turns fanning
them. I am greatly worried.
120 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY.
REMARKS :
Still Ham couldn't fix that machine. Wish
I had brought a good engineer along. He says it
works perfectly with the exception of making
ice. The ladies threaten a strike on the fanning
business. The water in the seals' tank is getting
warm. The seals and sea-lions are shedding
their fur. Have decided to take the Ark to the
polar regions until the engine is repaired. Of
course, I couldn't find the north pole chart.
Shem's astronomy came in to good advantage.
He suggested heading for the north star. I
just knew his education would come in handy
some day. Tonight we are sailing northward
and I wish we were there. This worry is liable
to drive me to an asylum. Postponed my bath.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 121
SUNDAY.
REMARKS :
No time for services. That ice machine still
stays out of commission. Ham blames me. It
seems the rule book was thrown overboard the
night of the storm. Shem tried to fix the
machine this afternoon. He had several good
repair theories, but it won't make ice. Mrs.
Noah complains of two sore wrists. Mrs. Ham
declares she never did like polar bears. I think
she would like to see the seals die, and then she
would ask for their skins. We are going like
the wind. Ordered a forced draught for the
engines. Passed lots of stars. At this rate we
ought to get to the pole in a hurry. Cooler.
122 THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
No washing today. The ladies had to stay
in the bear pits. Gave the seals an extra fish to
keep them quiet. Ham nearly drives me mad.
He has taken the machine apart scores of times,
and puts it together different every time.
Weather much cooler. Mrs. Noah took our
furs out of the moth-ball chest. Tonight we
saw the aurora borealis. To me it looked like a
kaleidoscope. The old Ark is certainly flying.
We'll be at the pole before you can say Jack
Robinson.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY.
123
REMARKS :
Cold! The thermometer was frozen when I
got up this morning. We are in the ice fields,
and getting near the pole. The bears are
relieved. Don't have to fan them any more.
The seals are again contented. Mrs. Ham said
she wished she had never seen the Ark. I wish
she had her wish. She is as much bother as an
old maid. And I'm glad there weren't any good
old maids to transport. We are all wearing our
furs. Thank goodness, I can sleep tonight and
not worry about those bears.
124 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Ice cold! My beard was frozen today.
At noon we passed over the pole. Thought I
would see something, but I was disappointed.
Nothing there but ice and water. I wonder who
will say they discovered the place? At last,
Ham repaired the ice machine. I overheard him
telling his wife he had forgotten to turn on some
valve. I am going to discharge him as soon as
we get on land. Those bears actually smiled
today. They seem to enjoy the attention they
have been paid of late. Too cold to promenade
the deck or stand on the bridge, so I gave the
officers a night off.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 125
THURSDAY.
REMARKS :
What the Medes and Persians say about
trouble coming in bunches is true. Now, the
heating apparatus won't work. Nothing like
that ever happened when we were down south.
At 2. 20 the hippo began shivering. At 2.30
the metriorhynchus superciliosus began shaking.
At 3.00 the elephants shivered. At 4.00 the
bothriospondylus madagascariensis began shak-
ing. At 4.15 the Ark shook. We drove the
birds to the boiler room, and put the butterflies
into the thermo bottle. Surely poor Job won't
have more troubles than poor me.
126 THE LOG OF THE ARK
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
No time for remarks. Busy hot-water bot-
tling the tropical animals.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 127
SATURDAY.
REMARKS ;
The Noah family slept in the boiler room
last night. I do love the fire this weather.
The Ark looks like an iceberg. We're going
downhill just as fast as those old engines will
take us. Passed over Spitzbergen this after-
noon. I can't get down south too soon to
please me. I'm going to cruise around the
Tropic of Cancer until I get thawed out. The
women folks are dead tired. It does them good
to work once in a while. This is the first time
they have done anything to pay for their
passage, and they shouldn't complain. If that
fool python would only coil up, he wouldn't
take half so many hot-water bags. Can't spare
the hot- water for my bath.
128 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SUNDAY.
REMARKS :
Ham burst into my cabin early this morning
and said he had repaired the heat. Ordered the
hot-water-bottle brigade to stop. I want to
sleep in peace tonight. Services this A.M.
Everybody went to sleep. Reached our regular
course this afternoon. I'm thankful for lots of
things today. I'm thankful we are back here in
the warm weather, that I wasn't left ashore,
that the Ark doesn't leak, and that I haven't had
a mutiny. Now, I'm going to bed. Put the
alarm-sundial in the trunk.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 129
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
This warm weather is fine. We had more
excitement on board today. The foxes broke
out of their cages. We held a hurried council of
war. I was elected M. F. H. Shem and I put
up the hurdles along the promenade deck, and
then I took the hounds out of their kennels.
Mrs. Noah and I rode the horses, while the
others came along on whatever they could find.
My wife complained because she did not bring
her riding habit. To quiet her I let her wear my
top hat.
We had a pleasant ride before the dogs took
up the scent. Then the chase began. The
barking of the dogs was deafening. We finally
saw the foxes jumping over the hatches and
rainwater barrels. Had a hard time keeping
up with the hounds, and I think we would have
done better if Yorick had kept out of the way.
At last, we treed them in an air funnel. Shem
went below and smoked them out, and then we
chased them back to their dens. I was sorry
I couldn't get the tails for the ladies. We all had
a fine breakfast in the saloon after the hunt.
130
THE LOG OF THE ARK 131
TUESDAY.
REMARKS :
Stiff today. Guess I had too much exercise
yesterday. I'm not as young a man as I was a
few centuries ago. The goose laid an egg. It
wasn't gold. I must have brought the wrong
goose. Tonight we held a parlour entertain-
ment in the salon. Ham did some tricks. I
never knew he was clever before. He took a
rabbit, a gold-fish bowl, a pair of pigeons, two
white rats, and a guinea pig out of my top hat.
It was most extraordinary. I don't see why I
brought all the animals along if Ham can bring
them out of a hat like that.
132 THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS :
Had a narrow escape today. While I was
dusting the cow stable the cow's husband went
for me. I didn't do anything to make him
angry. I was only standing there wiping the
perspiration from my forehead with my ban-
danna. I didn't study running for nothing
when I went to school. He chased me around
the boat eleven times before I discovered it was
my bandanna that offended him. Wonder if
that fool bull thinks I'm going to carry my white
Sunday handkerchief on working days?
THE LOG OF THE ARK 133
FRIDAY.
REMARKS :
Began taking soundings today 15 cubits of
water. We are just sailing along in our own
sweet way. Escorted the ladies through the
steerage this afternoon. Judging from the
manner the dogs are scratching there must be
some baby fleas aboard. Won ship's pool.
134 THE LOG OF THE ARK
SATURDAY. SOUNDING 14-^ cubits.
REMARKS:
One of the sponges was quite ill during the
night. I soaked him in some castor oil. This
morning I took a piece of parchment. On it I
wrote my name and address and a note asking
the fellow who finds it to drop me a line. Put it
in a bottle and threw it overboard. Fourteen
more kittens today. Took my bath.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 135
SUNDAY. SOUNDING same.
REMARKS :
Today is Easter. Held a special service this
morning. Later Mrs. Noah and the girls dressed
in their new spring clothes and their new bonnets.
Those hats were sights. The ladies marched
about the deck, while we males had to admire
them as they passed. I must say Mrs. Noah
looked a couple of hundred years younger than
usual. She gave me a lecture because I wore
my bedroom slippers on deck. Oh! I'll be glad
to get ashore.
136 THE LOG OF THE ARK
NEXT FRIDAY. SOUNDING 12 cubits.
REMARKS :
Have not written in the log-book for the past
week. It's a nuisance. The company will prob-
ably haul me over the coals. Weather, animals,
and family just the same.^Today I thought I
would send out a bird to see if there \\as any
land afloat. Tossed' up a coin to see whether I
would use a red or black raven. Black won.
When I opened the window, the raven quoth
"never more" and flew away. Expected her
back tonight at supper- time, but up until now
(11.30 P.M.) she has not put in an appearance.
Terribly worried.
THE LOG OF THE ARK 137
SATURDAY.
REMARKS :
Confound that raven. She hasn't showed up
yet. That bird has either found land or she is
some flyer. Put the egg she laid in the incuba-
tor. This afternoon Mrs. Ham told fortunes
with cards. Had her tell mine. She said I soon
would travel to a strange land, and that I should
beware of a tall, striking blonde. She declared
I would inherit large tracts of land. She also
fortuned I would have family trouble, and that
I should curb my passion for beverages. That
was a mean fortune, but I don't take much stock
in these soothsayings. Ham had a worse for-
tune than mine. According to his wife, he has
dark days before him, and he has to travel to a
hot country and work like the old Nick. Took
my bath.
138
THE LOG OF THE ARK 139
SUNDAY. SOUNDING could not touch bot-
tom with the lead line. We must be over some
ocean.
REMARKS :
Services. Ham spilled the collection plate.
I wonder what is keeping that raven? Guess I
should have sent the old cat. They always
come back. Wish it would rain.
140 THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY. SOUNDING hit ground again
1 1 cubits.
REMARKS :
No raven! Today is the sooth anniversary
of my marriage. These have been 500 long,
long years. That's quite a while to live with one
woman. It's our radium anniversary. Did
not receive any presents. By this time I know
all her faults. My, I've learned a lot in these
years. I've found that Mrs. Noah never makes
a mistake, that I am always wrong, and that
everything has always been my fault. It's
funny how these women have their own way.
Grandpa used to say it was just the same when
he was young. Just to think everybody who
attended our wedding preacher and all have
passed away.
Mrs. Noah dressed in her wedding gown to-
night. It has come into style again. It made
me think how crazy I used to be about her. I
was a young skylarker then. She used to sing
in the temple choir. Tonight she reminded me
of a few pet names I used to call her. If what
she said was true, I must have been foolish.
I had to tell her that I love her more and more
as each century rolls by.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
141
SATURDAY.
9 cubits.
Five days later. SOUNDING-
REMARKS :
The pigeon left on schedule time. I tied a
message to her feet giving my name and nauti-
cal position. She first tacked a bit to starboard,
and then took a crow's course to land. At
5.32 P.M. she came back with muddy feet and an
olive branch in her mouth. Hurrah ! the waters
are evaporating from off the face of the earth.
I don't care whether that raven comes back or
not. Her egg hatched. We had fresh olives for
supper. Bath. COURSE toward that tree.
142
THE LOG OF THE ARK
THE NEXT SATURDAY. SOUNDING 7
cubits. Everything will soon be mud.
REMARKS :
Let the pigeon have another fly. She has
either gone with the raven or found another tree.
Perhaps someone shot her. My observations
show we are approaching land. Ham is plan-
ning an expedition to find the pot of gold at the
end of the rainbow. The women folks spent
most of the day answering their steamer letters,
and reading guide-books. I've been thinking
those Peruvian llamas are going to have a long
journey before they get home. The purser has
sold all the postage stamps. The postcards are
also having a great sale. Took a bath.
/ '
THE LOG OF THE ARK 143
SUNDAY. SOUNDING 5 cubits.
REMARKS :
Services. Have been reading about Ararat.
It's a mountain 16,964 feet high. Some authors
say there is snow on the top. There must be
some mistake because olives don't grow in
snow. Am not sure of the docking facilities.
Ham thinks it would be easier to stop the Ark
in the harbour instead of at the regular wharf.
I will be relieved when the cargo pass the quaran-
tine. Got my money changed by the purser.
Now, I have to think about tips. The women
folks are bothering me about the time of land-
ing. Some queer things are happening on the
Ark these days. I see the ladies sewing lace
where lace doesn't belong. Mrs. Noah wants
me to wear her necklace day after tomorrow.
She never would let me do that before. Slipped
two boxes of cigars in Mrs. Noah's trunk. No
officer will ever think of looking there for them.
144 THE LOG OF THE ARK
MONDAY.
REMARKS :
The ladies are bothering me about the cus-
tom regulations, just as though I hadn't enough
troubles of my own. Spent the morning pack-
ing and making out my reports. Gave the
captain's dinner tonight. It was a swell affair.
We all came in our evening robes. Ham drew
the menus. We only saved enough food for
tomorrow. I opened some of the wine grand-
pa made. Urn!! We drank each others'
health all evening. Japheth made a fine speech
in which he congratulated me on the safe
passage. He said I was the greatest captain
afloat, and that he would tell all his friends
about the line. Mrs. Shem spoke for the ladies.
She thanked me for the attention I had paid
them during the trip. Ham tried to speak, but
he forgot it. He upset the flower dish. In
replying I said the passengers were the finest
who had ever sailed under me. Then I de-
livered the regular captain's address. I thought
their expressions might have taken a tangible
form, but I was disappointed. We ended by
singing, "For he's a jolly good fellow." That
meant me. Sighted the Ararat lighthouse.
" The Captain s dinner
19
143
146 THE LOG OF THE ARK
TUESDAY.
REMARKS :
Passed quarantine at 9.15. At anchor.
Ararat just ahead. Fine big mountain, but very
muddy. Saw the raven and the pigeon roosting
on the olive tree. We're all anxious to get
ashore. Guess we will feel the motion of the
boat for a few days. I have decided to retire
from the sea, and go in for real estate. Business
will be dull for a while, but it will pick up in time.
I'm getting along in years to do this pioneering
work, but it must be done. Posterity worries me
a great deal. Why should it? What has pos-
terity ever done for me?
The animals are making a lot of noise? They
smell the green grass. The ladies are on deck
admiring the rainbow. We expect to land late
this afternoon. I must stop writing, and get
up on the bridge to whistle for the pilot.
Well, if we ever have another flood, I'll know
just what to do.
LAND.
Land!
147
w
