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Marriage and Family Relationship

THE MACMILLAN COMPANY

NEW YORK - BOSTON CHICAGO DALLAS
ATLANTA SAN FRANCISCO

MACMILLAN AND CO., LIMITED

LONDON BOMBAY CALCUTTA - MADRAS
MELBOURNE

THE MACMILLAN COMPANY
OF CANADA, LIMITED

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS

ROBERT GEIB FOSTER

THE MERRILL-PALMER SCHOOL
DETROIT, MICHIGAN

THE MACMILLAN COMPANY NEW YORK

1949

COPYRIGHT, 1944, BY THE MACMILLAN COMPANY

All rights reserved no part of this book may be reproduced in
any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except
by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection
with a review written for inclusion in magazine or newspaper.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
SIXTH PRINTING

PREFACE

Many good books have been written about every
of marriage and family life. There is available an abundance
of statistical and factual information on the subject which
it is not the intention of this volume to repeat. The main
purpose, therefore, of this addition to the field is to emphasize
the personality and relationship phases of marriage and
family life, referring the student to other standard sources
for much of the straight, factual information which already
has been well formulated and presented by other authors.

No involved research studies nor tedious statistics have
been included, although references are made to the more
recent and better known studies. The author has drawn
for much of this text upon his knowledge of research and
his years of experience as a parent, teacher, and counselor.
He has also leaned heavily upon the excellent works of
others. If credit has not been given in any instance, it has
been due to the lack of knowledge of the source.

Although there are many persons to whom he is indebted
the author wishes especially to thank his wife, Luella M.
Foster, for reading the entire manuscript and contributing
the content of Chapter XII.

To friends and colleagues who have given of their time
and professional advice in the preparation of the manu-
script the author's obligations are boundless. Miss Opal
Powell, formerly of the Merrill-Palmer School staff, read
the entire manuscript and made many helpful suggestions
which have been included in the final writing. Her practical
knowledge of the field and her critical suggestions have been
of inestimable value. To the young people who contributed

vi PREFACE

their own early married experiences in wartime, there is due
a debt of thanks which cannot for obvious reasons be
acknowledged to them personally. Appreciation is due
Mrs. Dorothy Hippler who typed the manuscript and
offered many helpful suggestions from her own experience
as a young married woman, and to Mrs. Maybelle Stevens
for her artistic contributions which have greatly added to
the attractiveness of the volume. Finally, the author cannot
fail to acknowledge his appreciation to the publishers for
their helpful advice and, through them, to the readers of the
manuscript who made many invaluable suggestions.

ROBERT GEIB FOSTER

CONTENTS

Part I. Personal Development in Relation to Marriage

I. UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 3
II. BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 24
III. THE EVOLUTION OF FRIENDLINESS PAT-
TERNS IN RELATION TO MARRIAGE 40

Part II. The Immediate Prelude to Marriage

AND COURTSHIP 6 1

SELECTION 72

VI. LOOKING FORWARD TO MARRIAGE 94

Part III. Evolving a Satisfactory Family Life

VII. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE IO7
VIII. PERSONALITY FACTORS IN RELATIONSHIPS 122
IX. SEX AS A FACTOR IN FAMILY LIFE 133
X. PARENTS AND IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS 145
XL RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVING MONEY 153
XII. MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELA-
TIONSHIPS 163

XIII. SOME OTHER FACTORS IN FAMILY RELA-

TIONSHIPS 178

XIV. THE COMING OF CHILDREN 1 86

Part IV. The Family and Democratic Society

XV. SUCCESS OR FAILURE IN FAMILY DEVELOP-
MENT 201
XVI. CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 212
XVII. THE INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY 230
XVIII. MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME 237
XIX. WHAT LIES AHEAD 255

viii CONTENTS

Appendix

A. REFERENCES FOR SUPPLEMENTARY READING 269

B. QUESTIONS AND EXERCISES FOR STUDENTS TO

ACCOMPANY STUDY OF THE TEXT 28 1

C. ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR CLASS OR GROUP

DISCUSSION OR FOR INDIVIDUAL REPORTS
BASED UPON INTERESTS OF COLLEGE FRESH-
MEN 292

D. A PREMARITAL CONTRAST INTERVIEW BLANK 304

E. REFERENCES CITED IN THE TEXT 307

INDEX 309

INTRODUCTION -A PREVIEW

The world has always been at the brink of
a precipice and at the beginning of a new
era. The very essence of life lies in its con-
tinuous and intermittent changes between
security and insecurity. When these pulsa-
tions cease, decadence and death are upon
man and his society.

The Importance of Family Life Today

We have just begun to recognize the futility of placing
too much confidence in the kind of personal and social
security that is based upon material things. While we fight
a war, in part at least, for control of natural resources, we
are also fighting a war, in large part, because man has not
yet learned how to understand himself and his fellow man,
nor how to work, plan, and live peacefully and cooperatively.
Man's life and development have been conditioned by many
influences which have made him fearful, hostile, resentful,
dishonest, and insecure. Everything seems to be a threat
to his security. The predominant technique he has learned
for meeting opposition is to fight, and once the fight is on,
he then must punish, repress, and humiliate the conquered,
thus forming the basis for mpre resistance, hostility, afid
smoldering fury within the human breast.

Where does all of this begin? Where does it lead? What
can be done about it ? Will people ever learn how to develop
" friendliness patterns" instead of "hostility patterns ?" To
what extent do these patterns originate in family life?

As men and women reach the age of biological maturity,
they naturally begin looking for a mate. Mating is being
hurried up today. This is both good and bad. It is good for

ix

x INTRODUCTION A PREVIEW

healthy, intelligent young people to marry and begin rearing
a family while they are young and pliable. It is bad if they
marry too young or too hastily, with the result that, as with
large numbers of young people, they are disillusioned about
marriage and family life. This type of marriage inevitably
ends in separation and heartache.

There were 1,800,000 marriages during 1942. This is the
largest number of marriages recorded in this country in a
single year. Husbands are leaving for army duty almost
immediately after the ceremony, and their wives who must
remain at home are in many cases gainfully employed and
living with their own or their husbands' families. Marriage
is being carried on largely by correspondence and under
conditions of greater stress and strain than usual.

It is hoped that the information and philosophy contained
in the latter part of this volume will be an aid to many
young people looking forward to marriage, and to young
husbands and wives in initiating and carrying on success-
fully their most important life work marriage, the ulti-
mate establishment of a home, and the rearing of a happy
family.

Learning About Family Life

Many sciences must have a special laboratory equipped
with expensive paraphernalia before the student can acquire
a practical knowledge of the field. This is not true of the
social sciences. The individual himself, his family, and his
observations and experiences with people and things con-
stitute a rich source of knowledge about human relation-
ships. His own experiences with people and his own family
life are one source of knowledge. His observations and
studies of the family life of others is a second source of
knowledge. A study of research work, literature, including
the drama, philosophy, religion, and other fields affords a
third source of information. All of these are ways by which
a person may enrich his own knowledge and understanding
of marriage and family relationships. One of the purposes

INTRODUCTION A PREVIEW xi

of this book is to act as a guide for anyone who wishes to
learn about and improve his own ability to marry success-
fully and live his married life happily. A book such as this
can only tell him about family life, suggest other reading
in the field, and acquaint him with experiences which will
help him tie up his reading with his own knowledge on the
subject. By this process one may gain some insight into
how human relationships actually operate.

Aim of the Present Volume

A book cannot yet be written which will answer the ques-
tions every individual may have about his own particular
life. We do not yet know enough to do this. But there is
much more written than the average person knows about or
tries to put into practice. And if we read all we could about
marriage and family relationships we would be only half
educated. We need to provide a proper balance in our study
between reading and the observation of actual relationship
situations. This book is not primarily a textbook, a reference
book, nor a study guide, but rather a combination of all
three. It says to the reader, "Let us look at ourselves and
other human beings and try as best we can to understand
their basic needs, their attempts to satisfy these needs, and
their behavior, especially in relationship to the opposite
sex; let us look at marriage in order to see what decisions
and experiences family life involves; let us look at our 'cul-
ture* to see what the influences in our environment are and
how they accentuate or minimize the problems which
married people have to meet. Then let us turn to research
findings and examine the significance of our observations."

Because living one's life as a married person is the expect-
ancy as well as the experience of most young people, the
author has tried to present what he has to say in an informal
style and has covered a wide range of situations. It is
written from the personal rather than the sociological point
of view. Since there is such a variety of individual differ-
ences among people and in the specific nature of the situa-

xii INTRODUCTION -A PREVIEW

tions they have to meet, only a general, guiding philosophy
and certain facts and general principles can be offered for
the reader's consideration. He should not feel that there
is any one, invariable way of managing his personal or
family life. The specific pattern will vary with each couple,
although the successful methods will fall within the confines
of the principles given.

Some families seem to be highly successful. Others seem
to be in conflict most of the time. More study has been
devoted to the problems of marriage than to its successes.
What every student should do if he is interested in a suc-
cessful marriage is attempt to find out why some families
are successful, and then try to apply these principles and
practices to his own life. We learn why families fail by
studying failures, but we do not always know why families
succeed unless we study successful ones too.

This is the aim of the present book : to guide students to an
understanding of themselves, of the relationships involved
in dating, courtship, and engagement, and the management
of a variety of situations after marriage which the author
believes may contribute more to success than to failure.
The volume is addressed to all who want to know about
marriage and family relationships, to young people of
college freshman age, to those not in college who are dating,
courting, or engaged, and to the young married couples
who are meeting for the first time the many, new, shared
experiences of married life.

The Meaning of Words

In the study of every new field there are new words and
phrases used which may seem confusing at first. Do not
let this bother you. The simplest meaning is often the most
useful one. Some of the terms used in this volume are
briefly defined here so that you may understand the author's
concept and use of them. The definitions are simple and
practical rather than technical.

INTRODUCTION -A PREVIEW xiii

The terms personality and personality structure have been
defined in the text when first used. Development refers to
the growth and characteristics of the individual from the
time of conception to old age, each stage of development
having its own particular characteristics. Conditioning
refers to the influences in one's early life, particularly those
which affect our subsequent behavior, attitudes, and feelings
in a more or less lasting way. Culture refers to the rules of
conduct set up by our society the sanctions for what is
approved in human relationships and the restrictions for
what is in general disapproved. Learning refers to what we
come to know, how we come to behave and to feel about
life. It results from conditioning, and human beings vary
in their capacity as well as their motivation to learn. Maturity
means our physical, mental, social, emotional, and spiritual
development at a given age, as judged by the norms derived
from studies of growth and development. Behavior mechan-
isms are defined by example in the text, as are basic needs.
Adjustment refers to the way in which we meet an experience.
The self, relationships, friendliness patterns, hostility patterns,
and other terms are well enough understood by everyone
to need no definition.

References

No attempt has been made to provide an exhaustive
bibliography. The basic supplementary readings have been
confined to approximately fifty books which constitute a
well rounded library. The references suggested in Appen-
dix A, List i , are to be read in connection with the chapter
being discussed, and those in List 2 are for more extended
and advanced reading if the student has time. If the student
wishes to read more widely or more intensively in a particular
field, there are at least a thousand sources he may turn to.
The instructor will want to supplement the references with
others of his own choice. All references are given in
Appendix A.

xiv INTRODUCTION -A PREVIEW

Questions and Exercises

Appendix B contains questions and exercises which may
be used as each chapter is studied. Specific answers to some
questions may not always be found in the chapter, and in
some cases they may be questions which have no clear-cut
yes or no answer.

In Appendix C will be found classified, according to
Parts I, II, III, and IV of the text, questions from college
freshmen about marriage and family life. These will be
useful as a basis for class or panel discussion, or for individual
student reports.

How to Use This Book

This volume is intended as a guide to the study of marriage
and family relationships in our society. It does not always
explain what you observe. It cannot tell you what to do
about every situation you might happen to encounter. The
supplementary references, conference with your teacher, or
some other competent person, may help you here. Most
personal problems, the student will soon learn, are problems
which he will have to work out for himself, just as others
will also learn that they have to work out their own problems.
Books, experiences, observation of others, parents, teachers,
ministers, doctors, and other counselors are all aids in helping
the student to settle in his own mind how he feels about a
particular situation.

Since the author believes that successful families depend
largely upon the kinds of individuals who marry and become
husbands, wives, and parents, Part I discusses personal
development in relation to marriage. The first task, there-
fore, is to try to better understand one's self and others by
observation and study of what is known about human beings
in these usual premarriage and family situations.

Part II introduces the student to a specific consideration
of some of the situations experienced during dating, court-
ship, and engagement and presents some of the known facts
about these situations.

INTRODUCTION A PREVIEW xv

Part III is a discussion of marriage, particularly for the
young married couple, although much of the philosophy
contained therein is applicable to any stage of family
development.

Part IV considers social and economic influences as they
are affected by family life, and how family life is affected by
these major societal conditions.

Part!
Personal Development in Relation to Marriage

For you see, Callicles, our discussion is
concerned with a matter in which even
a man of slight intelligence must take
the profoundest interest namely, what
course of life is best?

Adapted from Socrates, in
Plato's Gergias.

CHAPTER I

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS

One day, a young woman in one of my classes came into
the office and said she was worried because she thought she
was unattractive. She believed she was homely, not as well
or as smartly dressed as the other students, and she wanted
always to stay in the background of a group. She hated to
recite in class. She avoided many social situations because
of her attitude about herself. I had thought she was one of
the most attractive young women in the entire assembly.

It is not uncommon, however, for individuals to feel quite
differently about themselves than others may feel toward
them. This little example is just one more instance illus-
trating the fact that the most baffling, yet fascinating, object
of study to man is himself.

From earliest childhood we begin to sense how people feel
and act toward us and how we feel and react to them. Every
contact with another person involves the possibility of the
relationship becoming a friendly one or one in which there is
mild to violent hostility. Learning to understand ourselves
better, to sense the reasons for the reactions of others toward
us, and to acquire facility in the art of getting along with
other people is the first basic prerequisite for successful
living.

The business of understanding one's own feelings and
behavior is a lifetime job. But it is a never-ending intriguing
process of growth if one acquires early a kind of objective,
mature ability to let himself become attuned to the sensitive
workings of his soul. The importance of studying a book of

3

4 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

this kind lies in the fact that it should be the means of start-
ing the individual on the road to understanding and accom-
plishment.

The nature of the answers to a child's earliest questions
may easily form the basis for Bis later attitudes toward and
behavior with other human beings. Let us, therefore, ex-
amine ourselves and see if we can have a better understand-
ing of some of the factors which have contributed to making
us the kinds of persons we are.

Looking at Ourselves

One of our earliest experiences is that of seeing ourselves in
the mirror. A baby responds to his image and reflection in
only a simple and elemental way. As he grows older, he dis-
covers his physical self and begins to ask questions about
the parts of his body and their functions. Then there ensues,
over a period of several years, a more or less casual accept-
ance of himself, until, all of a sudden, the "self" becomes
the center of attention once more. The young adolescent
girl, for example, begins to show evidences of extreme
modesty and a desire to isolate herself for short periods of
privacy. She wants to look at herself, make herself up,
admire herself, and feel the admiration of others. She wants
family members to knock before entering her room, and she
is very sensitive to being teased. She needs understanding
and help in achieving her purpose that of growing from
childhood into young womanhood, and attaining a feeling of
security in her estimate of herself and of what others think
of her.

A boy shows similar signs of maturing in his boyish way.
Both boys and girls, with girls maturing about two years
ahead of boys, are learning and forming attitudes about
themselves and about each other from infancy through
adolescence.

So, whether or not our parents have set out to influence
our attitudes and behavior patterns in certain specific ways,
we inevitably acquire a set of attitudes and behavior charac-

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 5

teristics in the course of our development. At birth we do
not distinguish between ourselves and our mothers, but
gradually, as we learn, we acquire a sense of "I" or "me"
as a person distinct from others. Whatever idea of "one's
self" one has, comes to one through his father, mother,
brothers, sisters, teachers, and friends. Later one sees "one's
self" as the girl on the front page, attractive or unattractive,
social or unsocial, or the boy who is the bully or chosen
leader, the insecure and fearful person, or the one who has
confidence in himself and is unafraid to meet the realities of
everyday living. These come to be the attributes, taken as
a whole, which characterize John Smith or Mary Jones as
unique personalities.

The Physical Self

Understanding one's physical self is our most concrete and
tangible problem. One cannot with certainty separate the
hereditary from the environmental aspects of growth and
development. We know that such characteristics as body
type, eye color, hair color, and skin color are transmitted
from parents to children, as well as other similarities in
facial contour, handedness, color blindness, diabetes, and
certain types of allergies, feeble-mindedness, deafness, blind-
ness, and insanity. There are, however, many other physi-
cal characteristics and diseases about which little is known
as to the certainty of their hereditary nature.

The first step, therefore, in understanding one's physical
self, is to learn something about the facts of heredity the
way in which those facts may affect one's self -estimate, one's
self-confidence and aggressiveness, or one's timidity and
reticence. We are concerned with other heredity factors only
in so far as they have a bearing upon whether a person should
or should not marry, and, if he marries, to what extent he
should have children.

There are ways in which we come to feel inferior or inade-
quate because of many preconceptions which we may have
acquired with reference to our hereditary family background.

6 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

While there are certain factors tied up with one's hereditary
background that may have a marked influence upon the
future course of a person's life, in general the great majority
of individuals probably have few factors in their life history
which should prevent them from leading a relatively suc-
cessful and happy existence.

There is a basic fact about human beings which should
be recognized. It is that of variability. It is the one fact
which makes the study of human life intriguing. For human
beings are not like the lower forms of animal life and are
not limited in their physical characteristics and behaviors
by a narrow, instinctive pattern. One need only look at the
life history of the bacteria or observe the activities of the
common farm animals to realize the limits within which their
lives are patterned along lines of an instinctive nature.

Actual body structure and function is another important
part of human life with which one must, sooner or later,
become acquainted, particularly those parts which have to
do with nutrition, reproduction, and adaptation to environ-
ment. In this area also one needs to recognize the fact of
individual variability. There is no standard rule or norm
which applies to all human beings alike. Each person needs
to study and understand his own system in order to recognize
his own personal capacity for optimum performance in each
area of life.

There are also, from the time of conception, differences in
chromosome composition between men and women. Male
and female are different in every cell of their bodies. There
are differences in metabolic rate, in glandular secretion and
function, in body structure, and the organization of their
reproductive organs to perform their respective functions.
In women the metabolic rate is usually lower, the heart rate
faster, and the blood temperature warmer than that of men.
The internal glandular secretion of the male stimulates
growth of beard, deepening of chest, physical stature, and
the normal sex characteristics of the male, while in the female
these secretions produce the female characteristics in body

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SbuF AND OTHERS 7

form and structure and the reproductive characteristics of
her sex.

These structural differences are noticeable throughout
development but become marked at the onset of puberty.
There are many social and emotional concomitants which go
along with this physical development, and which, as we shall
see later, may definitely affect the establishment of friendly
relationships with the opposite sex. They may lead to normal
and satisfactory mating and marriage, or the development
of other patterns which lead to unsatisfactory mating or
possible celibacy.

The Emotional Self

One may, by the time one is through high school, have
learned most of the facts about his physical self. The
emotional self, so closely interrelated with the physical, is
even more complex and difficult to understand. Everyone,
no doubt, realizes that infants at birth vary greatly in their
capacity for development and learning. It is generally be-
lieved that at birth we possess only the bare potentialities
for the development of future patterns of emotional behavior.
Like organic functions, emotional responses, whatever they
may be, largely provide the basis upon which social responses
are developed.

It is well, therefore, in any attempt to understand one's
emotional self, to proceed from two points of view first,
by asking ourselves the questign, "What kind of an individ-
ual was I at birth ?" and, second, "What kind of condition-
ing have I had in the course of my development ?"

There are fundamental differences, as have been shown by
the studies of many child psychologists, in the basic capac-
ities and characteristics of individuals at birth. Dr. James S.
Plant (i),* for example, in his analysis of the structure of
personality, concludes that we all differ with respect to cer-
tain elements at birth which he calls, first, alertness, which

* Numbers in parentheses refer to books and articles listed in Appendix E at end
of this volume.

8 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

means our degree of sensitivity to our external environment;
second, complexity, that is, the extent to which we are either
simple or complex in the organization and integration of our
organic and mental equipment; third, the degree to which
we are pliable, adjustable, or adaptable to the conditions of
life; fourth, our temperaments or the extent to which, with
relative ease, we make various orientations to the outer
world; and, fifth, cadence, or the degree to which we are
resistive to change, including also the rate of development
or maturity in the course of our development.

This is only one of many possible interpretations of basic
conditions at birth which are highly variable as between
individuals and constitute the inherent characteristics upon
which we build our subsequent social and emotional atti-
tudes, sentiments, and behaviors.

Apparently, the majority of emotional feelings and senti-
ments are learned. The process by which this learning 'is
acquired we will call conditioning; this, reduced to simplest
terms, merely means the way in which we are cared for and
managed throughout the early years of our lives. It is during
this period that we begin establishing for ourselves certain
behavior characteristics which may be described as friendly
or hostile in our relationship to people. It is during this
period of conditioning that we develop such characteristics
as shyness, timidity, caution in our approach to human situa-
tions, or characteristics of aggressiveness and boldness.

There are many kinds of emotional states which the indi-
vidual recognizes. Fear, love, and anger are important ones.
While the entire process of emotional development deserves
careful and intensive study by every student, it is not pos-
sible, in this instance, to go into much detail. Two emotions,
which are common and which seem to be the cause of many
varieties of human frustration and maladjustment, will be
briefly discussed.

Fear is one of the earliest forms of behavior exhibited in
infants when they sense a loss of support, or when they are
startled by loud noises. As is indicated above, all of our fears

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 9

are due, for the most part, to early conditioning, that is,
they are acquired through experience rather than inherited.
As they grow older, they become afraid of many material
things and human associations fear of the dark, of sharp
knives, water, insects, fire, and so on. We may acquire fears
of reciting in class, of any person who is in a position of
authority, of social functions, of meeting strangers, or of
people who are fat or sarcastic, as well as the fear of remote
circumstances such as poverty, death, or failure.

Since fear is one of the universal emotions which affect
people's behavior, it should be eliminated from our lives as
far as possible. Most of it could have been avoided or soon
eliminated in the early years of our life by proper parental
guidance. Fear is useful in some ways as a protective device
against injury or destruction but is more often disastrous
because its modes of expression are not conducive to effective
learning and good adjustment.

Anger is another emotion which often gets us into diffi-
culty. Young children scream and beat the floor, become
rigid, kick, scratch, and cry; adolescents pace the floor, talk,
sulk, and fight, and adults express their wrath by many of
these same forms, as well as by verbal outbursts.

The causes of anger are many and varied. With young
children it is usually brought about through interference
with their playthings, through being thwarted in their
activities, and in relation to eating, dressing, and going to
the toilet. During adolescence, anger arises mostly from
social situations, from failure of environmental objects to
function well, and from events which are unavoidable. The
adult is angered by social slights and by the inadequate func-
tioning of material objects.

Love and hate, of which jealousy is often a part, are other
forms of emotional response which the individual must
learn to handle. Our entire attitude toward love and affec-
tion, toward recognition and approval, toward all the other
things which mean acceptance, friendliness, and personal
status is acquired early in life. It is shown by the many

10 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

ways in which we meet and associate with people and by our
ability to deal with situations that involve both success and
failure. Love and hate are closely tied up with the basic
need for security and with the way in which we have been
trained to meet reality, that is, the situations in our environ-
ment which must be dealt with from day to day. If we can
analyze ourselves and understand our anger, fear, love, hate,
and the many other specific kinds of emotional feelings we
have and learn to redirect our emotion along the lines of
constructive outlet toward the ideal of what we call emotional
maturity, we will then have acquired one of the basic and
fundamental assets for success and happiness in married life,
as well as in all other human relationships.

The Social Self

The social self is more or less our conception of ourselves,
the estimate we have of ourselves, and the feeling we have
about what others think of us as members of social groups
and society at large. Here, again, our early conditioning is
important in that we learn, from the years of birth to ma-
turity, various techniques for meeting and associating with
people in what are commonly called social situations. De-
pending upon how we are raised, we may acquire either
attitudes and characteristics of friendliness or attitudes and
characteristics of defensiveness, of hostility, or withdrawal
from meeting the normal social demands of community
life. We are not born social beings. It is interesting to note,
in this connection, the large number of people who, as adults,
feel shy, are timid, and feel insecure in relation to normal,
everyday social functions. Thousands of us are shy and
afraid to meet strangers, avoid participating in social func-
tions because we have acquired, in the course of our social
development, many fears or feelings of insecurity, or, per-
haps, have never learned, because of our family background,
many of the social graces and techniques which make it easy
for us to take part in social life with a sense of ease, confi-
dence, and security. This is, perhaps, one of the most easily

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 11

modified of our "selves." The basic inferiorities, however,
which are deeply associated with our emotional feelings, may
be more difficult to handle. Growing up and maturing and
arriving at a better understanding of one's self, and being,
thereby, better able to live a more mature life, is a process in
which we must all engage throughout the entire course of
our lifetime. The degree of our success will be determined
by our will to grow in understanding and our persistent
efforts toward changing our attitudes and behavior.

The Intellectual Self

There are some aspects of one's mental capacity which are
not subject to a great deal of modification. A person may
be born with a mental capacity which is below normal, and
only through special education can he acquire the facility
which will enable him to meet life in a reasonably self-suffi-
cient manner. Most of the persons, however, who read these
pages will have little to worry about in terms of their inherent
mental capacity. The main problem is that of finding one's
place in life and utilizing one's intellectual equipment to
fullest capacity. It is easy to acquire a sense of inferiority
with reference to our ability in intellectual pursuits. We may
be told early in life that we are "dumb" and actually be-
lieve it, when, as a matter of fact, we may have an intelli-
gence quotient of 120. Many people are afraid to try to find
out what their actual intellectual capacity is, while many
others are intellectually lazy. Sensing our strengths and
weaknesses may guide us to iifcprove our limitations and to
capitalize upon our greatest assets. It should be re-empha-
sized again that there is great variability among human
beings in respect to their intellectual equipment. We are
often misled, by superficial manifestations of another per-
son's intellectual characteristics, into feeling either that we
are inferior and inadequate, or that the other person is
brilliant or dull. Quickness of intellectual response or delib-
erateness of intellectual response may both be manifestations
of individuals who have comparable intelligence. Quantity

12 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

of intelligence is one factor in judging one's intellectual self,
and quality of intelligence is equally important. This quali-
tative difference may be observed in two students of equal
intelligence, but whose approach to learning is qualitatively
quite different.

The Spiritual Self

We do not consider spiritual values as being within the
realm of scientific inquiry, and yet no man can live success-
fully in any culture unless he lives by certain values which
he acquires throughout the course of his development in
that culture. Every society defines for its members certain
values which are held to be acceptable or not acceptable,
and, within the framework of these definitions, we must
make our decisions and live our lives.

Beyond the strictly cultural and ethical values in life,
every person needs some basic philosophy which will give
him a sense of being related to the universe as a whole, to
its evolution, past and future, and to those imponderables
of life and death, such as man's origin and the destiny of
man's "soul" after death. This phase of one's self is what
might be termed one's spiritual self. Understanding, or at
least achieving for one's self a reasonably well defined ethical
and spiritual set of values, is an important basis of successful
living. These may not be, and actually are not, the same for
everyone, but the fact of actual difference is less important
than the fact of recognition of a need for something which
each individual holds for himself to be his basic ethical and
spiritual values.

We have attempted to look at ourselves in terms of the
physical, the emotional, the social, the intellectual, and the
spiritual person. You may prefer to organize these cate-
gories in some other fashion. But regardless of the way in
which it is done, the first step toward human understanding
and, thus, being able to live and work in man-made situations
lies in understanding, in so far as possible, the various aspects
of one's complex self. It is evident that these various phases

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 13

of the total person are not separable but are highly integrated
and function together in terms of a total personality. This
total personality, in turn, is functioning at all times in rela-
tion to a complex social life, involving contacts with innu-
merable interrelationships.

Conditioning Factors

By the time we have reached early adulthood, we are
physically mature, we have a certain rather fixed intellectual
capacity, we have achieved a certain degree of emotional and
social maturity, and we have acquired a certain set of ethical
and spiritual values by which we make decisions and judg-
ments in meeting the day-to-day experiences of life. It is
not only important that we understand ourselves at a par-
ticular time, but also that we recognize some of the factors
responsible for our being the kind of people we are at the
particular time we undertake to look at ourselves.

Our family is the first, and probably the most important,
set of relationships in determining our personality and cul-
tural attitudes. We are exposed to family relationships dur-
ing those years of life when our basic habits, attitudes,
sentiments, and feelings are most subject to impression.
Each of our families attempts to make out of us what it feels
our society expects it to make of us, plus what that individual
family may hold to be important in terms of behavior and
ideals. The family, as a matter of fact, is a dictator for many
years, and we, as children, are dependent upon the intelli-
gence, understanding, insight* and direction of those who
control our early environment. We develop sentiments of
friendliness, of kindness, of altruism, of industry, and of
honesty, or we develop sentiments which are the antitheses
of these, depending upon the standards of our parents and
the manner in which they manage and direct our early
development.

Nurture may also be a determining factor, particularly as
it has a bearing upon our physical and emotional develop-
ment. The kind of food which we are given in our earliest

14 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

years and the nature of our habits of eating, sleeping, play-
ing, eliminating, and so on, will condition our later feelings
and attitudes toward and about ourselves, as well as give
us the kind of physical and mental energy, stamina, and
health which will make it possible for us to function at a
high level of efficiency rather than a low one.

The kind of community in which we live conditions many
of our attitudes and feelings, both about ourselves and other
human beings. We may be born in a neighborhood of high
economic status or in one in which poverty is prevalent.
We may attend schools where there are many other children
of comparable social, economic, and cultural background or
schools where there is a greater degree of heterogeneity
among our associates. We may grow up in a community
where there is intense prejudice against certain races or
religions and, thus, carry intc adult life emotions and atti-
tudes about human endeavor quite different from those of
other individuals who have been reared in a different kind
of environment. We may have been reared in a particular
religious faith which may color our attitude toward society,
government, social participation, science, and intellectual
endeavor, and so on. Thus, many factors in neighborhood
and community and in the accidental social and economic
level into which one is born may be elements to be considered
in understanding one's self and how one came to be as one is.

The particular culture in which we live is by no means the
least important of the conditioning factors. It happens that
most of us live within the confines of the United States of
America. This, in turn, means that we have been exposed
to certain cultural standards or sanctions and restrictions
with reference to our behavior and moral conduct. We have
evolved certain folkways, mores, laws, and institutions
which, more or less, express and define for us the proper
channels by which we are to satisfy our basic drives and
needs. While the extent to which cultural influence affects
our lives varies and increases from infancy to adult life, and
although there are variations in the degree to which different

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 15

individuals are affected in the same manner, one must always
attempt to understand one's self in terms of the cultural
patterns to which he has been exposed.

The Personality

Probably the most practical and useful definition of per-
sonality is the one formulated some years ago by Professor
Mark May (2) of the Yale Institute of Human Relations.
His definition includes the total external manifestations and
internal feelings of the individual. He looks at personality
from two points of view. The first concerns that part of the
individual which is exposed to human observation. This he
calls social stimulus value. This is what other people see.
Our size (tall, short, fat, thin), color (blond, brunette, or
redhead), behavior (loud, quiet, aggressive, or shy), our
mannerisms, our voices, facial expression, and observable
behavior determine in large measure the way other individ-
uals respond to us. In other words, we are the stimulus
constantly evoking certain responses from the different
people we meet.

But this is only part of our personality. While we are
seeing others, and they are reacting to the kind of stimulus
we present, we are also reacting to them, either in the way
we feel or in concrete, observable responses. We have cer-
tain feelings about ourselves, about what others think of us,
and how other individuals impress us as to physical charac-
teristics and manner. How we feel inside is what might be
called the response value sicfe of our personality. Taken
together, these two aspects of ourselves make up what we
may consider to be our total personality.

Most of our physical characteristics we acquired from our
parental ancestry, but most of the manifestations we show
in terms of behavior and feelings about life are conditioned
throughout the course of our development. We are, thus,
the product of both heredity and environment, and any
attempt to differentiate discretely between hereditary and
environmental factors is almost futile. The practical and

16 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

important procedure in attempting to understand ourselves
is to recognize, in so far as possible, what our basic capaci-
ties, tendencies, and characteristics are at birth, the ways in
which we have been trained and molded into the culture of
which we are a part, and how we behave and feel in our
day-to-day relationships with other people. From this point
of view, to say we are personalities is more accurate than to
say we have personalities.

Looking at Others

Observing others is another way of better understanding
ourselves. There are two ways of looking at other people.
One way is to stand on a street corner, sit in a public gather-
ing, or go to the races. In this way we can observe human
beings under all kinds of conditions. But this casual obser-
vation of people may become more meaningful if we also
study what has been learned about them from scientific
observation. The studies of the characteristics of infants at
birth, the growth and development of preschool and school
age children, the characteristics of early and later adoles-
cence, and of adults both young and old, provide us with
ample information for acquiring a much better understand-
ing of human beings than we now have.

The careful observation of the behavior of others can be
a source of much learning and insight into human motiva-
tion and relationships. We can only see, however, the
external manifestations of personality expressions by this
behavioristic method. For example, we do not know by
observation alone why a mother spanks her child, nor why
a person weeps in church. For the complete picture, we
have to get additional observations of a different kind.
These consist, for the most part, of the response or feeling
values of the individual himself. We learn about these, not
by observation, but through the written or spoken testi-
mony of the person. He may write an autobiography which
describes his feelings; or he may consult a psychologist, and
from the psychologist's findings which record the person's

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 17

problems, feelings, and history we are supplied with more
data, which will add to our insight into human nature.

But casual observation and analysis of this kind are still
not enough. It is necessary to rely upon the work of skilled
scientists for data which get at the origins of behavior and
show the causal relationships between individual action or
feelings and the past experiences in the life of the person.

As we have said previously, we feel differently about dif-
ferent people, because they act as different kinds of stimuli
to us, and because of previous experiences we may have
had with other human beings with similar characteristics.

The Case of Mary Jane Smith

Let us now examine the report of a college student, who
tried to say on paper what kind of person she thought she
was, and what things she considered to be associated with
her development, to see what we can learn about human
relationships by this means.

"WHY I AM WHAT I AM," BY MARY JANE SMITH

"The first thing I think of in connection with my inner person-
ality is my general feeling of inferiority. I have been bothered by
this feeling ever since I can remember, even though I realize how
silly it is. I invariably feel inferior to strangers, no matter who they
are or what their age. I am afraid and keep in the background
when I am in a strange group, although once I get acquainted, I
take an active part in group activities and discussions. Further-
more, when I only have one stranger to deal with, I seldom have
any difficulty in getting acquainted, and on a train or bus I some-
times take the initiative in starting a conversation with the person
who happens to be in the same seat.

" People who have a lot of money or who are very good-looking
make me feel even more uncomfortable than others, until I get to
know them.

" I dislike formality of any sort, and I hate ceremonies. I feel so
self-conscious and nervous when I am in front of a group, that I
would prefer scrubbing floors.

"Although I have many acquaintances, I only have one or two
intimate friends at a time. Yet, every time I go to a new place or

18 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

enter a new group, I cultivate a really pleasant friendship with
someone.

" I lack self-confidence and feel as if I were about the 'dumbest '
person I know. I doubt my ability to do new things, although
once I get started doing something, I usually become interested
and do it well.

"When I am with people I know and like, I don't feel inferior.
I forget myself and have a lot of fun, and anyone seeing me in a
group with which I am familiar might think that I was a decided
extrovert.

"My leisure time is usually spent in reading, unless one of my
friends gets me to go out. I never take the initiative in suggesting
to my friends that we go somewhere but sit back and wait for them
to ask me. As I write this, I wonder why they ever bothered. I
don't very often invite my friends to my home and never have
parties or anything. This is not because I am ashamed of my home,
but because I just don't think of it.

"I am not particularly religious, but I used to enjoy going to
Sunday School, because I felt at ease there and enjoyed the social
situation.

" I never have gotten more than mildly interested in politics and
always keep my ideas about them to myself. I hate arguments and
always try to avoid them, if possible.

" I am not particularly interested in sports and only participate
in them when one of my friends drags me along. I enjoy going to
the movies, but I don't go very often, because I can't afford it. I
stay home tather than go alone.

"I am inclined to be submissive in social situations and follow
the leader, as long as I trust the leader and his or her ideas are not
in opposition to my morals and ideas in general.

" I don't have any feeling of dislike against any race or anyone
whose religion is different from mine. I only dislike individuals.

"I have a normal interest in the opposite sex and have gone
1 steady ' several times rather than going with a lot of different boys
at once. If I had my choice of marriage or a career, I would choose
marriage, provided the man measured up to my ideas of what I
want.

"This, in general, is the way I feel about myself. Following are
some of the factors in my family background that have, perhaps,
made me the way I am:

"I am the youngest of three children, and both my parents are
living. My brother and sister are nine and eight years older than
I am, respectively. My father, until recently, was a janitor, and I
have always been ashamed of this fact. Although the family income

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 19

is small, my mother is a wonderful manager, and we have lived as
comfortably as most middle-class families. We own our home in
a city of about 30,000, and I was born and have always lived in this
same house. Although the house is small, it is pleasant, and I like
it.

"One of the reasons for my feelings of inferiority, besides the
one mentioned above, might be the fact that, since everyone else
in my home was so much older, I felt that nothing I said was
important. Even now I don't talk very much at home. My father
worked nights and slept days, so we always had to be quiet in the
daytime. I usually went to my friend's house to play, so we could
be in a place where we could make some noise. I imagine this is
one of the reasons why I never got the habit of inviting children to
my home and never entertained. Another reason for this is, prob-
ably, the fact that my parents did not belong to any social groups
or clubs and did not do any entertaining.

"I think one of the most important influences of my life has
been the fact that almost ever since I was born I have had a chum.
This girl is five weeks younger than I am, and I suppose in the
beginning our parents brought us together so much that we just
thought it was the natural thing. She did not live in our immedi-
ate neighborhood but was within walking distance, so we played
together almost every day. I played some with the children who
lived nearer, but she was always my particular friend. Her main
influence on me has been her personality. She has always been
larger and stronger than I am and has always taken the lead. I
never bothered to think up things to do, because she had so much
imagination and ingenuity that I didn't have to. I have found out
since we have grown up that she has a Stanford Binet IQ of 146, so
it is no wonder that she took the lead. When we were about three,
we started going to kindergarten, and two other little girls began
to play with us. I was the smallest and always got tired the quick-
est when we were playing. As we got older, our group increased to
six and, later, to about ten, and my friend was always the leader.
Throughout all this time, we were still chums and played with each
other more than we played with the others.

"Although my friend excelled in so many ways, she hated school
and never read as much as I did. I did at least as well, and some-
times better, in my school work than she did. She did not attend
college, so when I did, I finally had to develop a will of my own.
We still get together on Saturdays, and we are still the best of
friends.

"Another reason for my backwardness in social situations is the
fact that I have always thought of myself as being homely, and I

20 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

am always conscious of this when I meet new people, or when I
am standing in front of a group. I remember an incident in my
childhood that may have something to do with my feeling self-
conscious. I was sitting in the dining room looking at the funnies,
one day, when I began to wonder whether or not I was * pretty.' I
asked my mother, and she, not wanting me to be conceited,
answered me with a very emphatic * No ! ' I was terribly hurt, and
I think I have felt homely ever since.

"Another factor that probably had some influence on me was
the fact that my older sister was very smart in school. When I
was in high school she was pulling down a lot of honors in college.
I managed to get on the ' Honor Roll 1 in high school half the time,
but that was nothing to what she was doing, so my natural con-
clusion was that I must be c dumb. ' When I finally got in college,
I was amazed when I did even better than she had. I began to get
a little confidence in myself, but I still have a long way to go in that
direction.

" I don't know exactly where I got my attitudes and beliefs, but
I can guess at some of the reasons. I think the reason I don't have
any race or religious prejudices is the fact that I attended large
public schools, where there were students of different races, colors,
and religions. They were accepted as part of the group, and since
I liked them, I didn't see any reason for hating the races from which
they came.

" My mother is Protestant, and my father was originally Cath-
olic, was Protestant when he was married, and is Catholic again.
We children have been brought up as Protestants, but religion is
sort of a sore subject between my father and mother, so we keep
still about it. This may have something to do with my not being
especially religious.

" My mother is much more intelligent than my father, and I
have always talked to her rather than to him. I have often felt
that I didn't even have the kind of a father that the other kids did
and wished that I had.

11 My mother and father have nothing in common, and, although
outward conflict hasn't been very much a part of my home life, I
have always felt that my parents weren't like other parents because
they never did things together. I feel as if I had only one parent
my mother. Although there is a lot more to be said about the
reasons for my being the way I am, I think this picture of my fam-
ily background reveals some of the main factors involved "

As we read Mary Jane's description of herself, the first
thing that attracts our attention is her statement that she

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS *1

has a marked feeling of inferiority. It has existed as far
back as she can remember, and she says she knows how
silly it is. Is it silly? Let us see.

Here is a girl who, in the first place, lived on "the wrong
side of the tracks." She felt all through her early develop-
ment that her family did not have the same social status as
that of many of the families of her friends. Her father was
a janitor in a small town. In addition, her family was poor
and had to skimp to make ends meet, and she could not
have many of the things other girls had. At the age when
all girls want to feel that they are attractive, normal, and
approved, she was told by her mother, in answer to her
inquiry if she were pretty, emphatically "no." Also, her
family life was a nonsocial one. Because of circumstances,
she could not bring other girls into her home, and she had
little social experience, because her home was not the kind
where friends were invited to dinner, to parties, or just for
an evening of neighborliness. Does it seem that her feeling
of inferiority was silly, or a natural consequence of her
earlier experiences?

We see also that Mary Jane felt inferior to strangers, and
that it was hard for her to get acquainted with people. She
especially disliked formality, ceremonies, and group partici-
pation. These feelings are accentuated if the people she is
with are people with money or high social position. Here,
again, we can see the connection between her family experi-
ences, or rather her want of certain kinds of social experience,
and why she thinks that she "lacks self-confidence and feels
that she is the 'dumbest 1 person in the world."

We see in this report the evidence of the kind of patterns
of friendliness which Mary Jane Smith acquired in the course
of her development. We see her as a person, not hostile, but
afraid of people, because she is afraid of herself, and because
she has had little experience in the social techniques of get-
ting along with people. Her main friendship was with a girl
friend, and she clung to this association because it gave her
a sense of security she did not have to go through the

22 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

agony of making new friends, and, thus, she was able to
protect herself against being hurt because of her basic feel-
ings of insecurity.

There are thousands of other people in the world like
Mary Jane Smith. They are shy, timid, and feel inferior.
They have many vague fears, insecurities, and timidities.
Their external behavior is constantly exposing the fact that
they have not acquired the normal kind of self-sufficiency
and confidence which would make life more satisfying and
challenging for them. They avoid, evade, and run away
from the very kind of experiences they most long for. They
need help in overcoming their feelings and experience in
participation, so that they are able to let their normal desire
for friendliness become their basic pattern of life. On the
other hand, other individuals grow up under circumstances
similar to those just cited and show few, if any, of the
characteristics of Mary Jane Smith. How do you account
for this difference in the way in which individuals vary in
their response to what would, on the surface, seem to be
similar circumstances?

Do you know anyone who feels anything like Mary Jane?
How do you think these inner feelings affect her external
behavior and the number and kind of friends she has? In
what ways do you think her early development has deter-
mined the kind of young man she will marry? In what
ways does her preparation for marriage begin during infancy
and early childhood? Can you begin to understand why
some people have many and others few friends, and, con-
sequently, why some have many dates and marry, while
others have none and never marry or marry the wrong
person? In what ways has your personality been influenced
by factors in your early family experience? What do you
think Mary Jane could do toward overcoming her problems?
What experiences would you have her seek? How ready
are you to make this type of analysis for yourself?

UNDERSTANDING ONE'S SELF AND OTHERS 23

Summary

Looking at ourselves and others, studying behavior and
mannerisms, as well as reports of life and experience, are
ways of better understanding ourselves and all human rela-
tionships. This is especially true if we acquire the habit of
continually asking ourselves the question, "Why?" Why
does the other person act as he does, or why do I feel and
act as I do in a particular situation? What lies back of the
other person's actions and my own feelings or behavior?
When another person is abrupt, sharp, apparently hostile,
or angry, we cannot always be sure that criticism or retalia-
tory actions are in order unless we know why he acts the
way he does what factors and conditions have led to his
frustration, conflict, or emotional outburst. To understand
an individual's action, it is necessary to look behind his
overt expressions and find out what has thwarted or blocked
him in achieving his goal or in satisfying some basic physical,
social, emotional, or other need. All of this is particularly
true in relation to marriage. There will be many occasions
when one or the other person is fatigued or has had reverses
in the day's work or a social disappointment, which may
make him less cordial or friendly and more easily irritated.
These moods, temperamental spells, or outbursts are often
not directed at the thing that caused the frustration but at
whoever happens to be near at the time. They are a way
of blowing off steam and getting rid of the frustration rather
than meaningful attempts to be purposely hostile or un-
kind. Understanding helps ond to meet life's emergencies.
The more we come to understand ourselves, and the more
we study the behavior and feelings of others, the better
able we will be to meet the daily events of marriage and
family relationships successfully.

CHAPTER II

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR

Some years ago, Professor W. I. Thomas (3) established
what he thought were the basic needs of human beings.
First, he put the need for security not just economic
security but social and affectional security. This is one of
the earliest needs we have. Our family, upon whom, as
children, we are dependent for years, should provide us with
love and affection, give us a sense of being wanted and a
feeling of security in this complex world. When our family
fails in this, we tend to look to others for a substitute kind
of affectional security. We are often unhappy either at not
finding it, or at being taken advantage of by those who
mistake our external strivings for affection and accept them
at their face value, without seeing, behind our actions, our
basic need for a deeper kind of affectional security than
"petting" or infatuation can give.

Second, there is the need for recognition, to be important
and to feel accepted by others. This is a socially derived
need. Everyone likes to be thought well of and to have
approval for what he does. When recognition is too freely
given, a pampered and spoiled child may be the result; but
when approval is never forthcoming, one may tend to strive
for it in ways which alienate his friends and associates
rather than bind them closer to him.

Third, we have the need for response, to be in close enough
rapport with others, to feel that they respond to and under-
stand us. We often find this need satisfied by our parents,
and, as we grow older, by close friends and the person we

24

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 25

marry. In a world in which events change so rapidly, in
which security is only a temporary condition, and problems
are constantly to be met, we need these intimate, human
relationships to give us a greater sense of security and en-
couragement.

Fourth, there is a need for new experience, change, new
problems to solve, new worlds to conquer, and new stimuli
to tickle the senses. New experience broadens our compre-
hension, adds to our feeling of confidence and gives us, if
successfully engaged in, new motivation to move ahead to
other challenging and worth-while fields.

All of the items in this classification of human needs are
basic to the full development of human personality. A lack
in fulfillment, to a marked degree, of any one of these
affects the individual's attitude toward himself and his asso-
ciation with others. It is not an all inclusive list, however,
but largely one which emphasizes social and emotional
needs.

Another and more recent classification of human needs is
made by Professor Daniel A. Prescott (4) :

"The structure and dynamic processes of the human organism
imply the need for certain things, for certain conditions, and for
certain activities of the body, if physical and mental health are to
be maintained. The structure and processes of society imply cer-
tain knowledges, skills, and functional relationships as necessary
to the individual, if he is to be effective and adjusted. As he grows
up, the experiences of life are sure to raise questions in the mind of
each individual about his personal role and about the meaning of
life; therefore, each one needs to arrive at a satisfactory mental
organization or assimilation of his experiences. Thus, the struc-
ture of the organism, the processes of society, and the nature of a
person's experiences contrive to give rise to a series of needs, of
quasi-needs, and of operational concepts which must be diet if
wholesome personality development is to be achieved.

"These needs are the basis of permanent adjustment problems
which all of us face. They are more or less continuously with us.
Our behavior is patterned in accordance with what experience has
shown us to be the most satisfactory means of working them out,
but, as conditions around us vary and change, we are continuously

36 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

under the necessity of modifying our behavior. These needs become
sources of unpleasant effect, and even of serious personality mal-
adjustments, if they are not met adequately. Furthermore, our
society is rich in circumstances which deny to individuals the ful-
fillment of one or several of these needs and quasi-needs for periods
of varying lengths this is what has happened to the thousands
of maladjusted school children. There is a serious disharmony
between the needs which they feel to be vital to themselves and the
experiences of life as they meet them.

"These categories of need can be called: (i) physiological, when
describing needs that spring primarily out of structure and dynamic
bio-chemical equilibria; (2) social or status needs, when describing
the relationships that it is essential to establish with other persons
in our culture; and (3) ego or integrative needs, when describing
needs for experience and for the organization and symbolization of
experience through which the individual will discover his role in
life and learn to play it in such an effective manner as to develop
a sense of worthy selfhood."

Our physiological needs include, first, the preservation of
the essential demands of the body for air, food and liquids,
and such clothing and shelter as will permit the proper
maintenance of temperature; second, a rhythm of activity
and rest; third, sexual activity.

Our social needs grow out of the fact that life must be lived
in contact with other people; they include such things as
affection, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of likeness to
others.

Our ego and integrative needs include a belief in ourselves,
contact with reality, a harmonious relationship with reality,
a sense of balance with respect to the meaning and signifi-
cance of the various aspects of the common life, economic,
religious, social, political, etc., increasing ability in self-
direction, a fair balance between the meaning and achieve-
ment of success and failure, and the attainment of a degree
of self-confident individuality.

Such a classification as that just referred to gives us a con-
venient and scientific basis for understanding human beings.
The physiological needs are easy to understand, because we
all have been hungry, cold, or thirsty; we have found our-

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 27

selves needing physical activity, because for a time we have
led a sedentary life, along with over-indulgence in high
calorie foods; and, long before we are eighteen, we have
learned that sex is a normal part of life, what its functions
are, and that the biological drives arising from the fact that
we are "sex," male or female, must find healthful and socially
approved ways of expression. The social needs are much the
same as those given by Thomas. These, taken together with
what Prescott calls the ego-integrative (self -organization and
sufficiency) needs, are of basic importance to mature, self-
sufficient functioning in everyday life and are the ones which
are most sensitive to good or bad education, from infancy to
maturity.

The task of understanding human needs, motivations, and
relationships seems staggering when we consider the fact
that there are over 130,000,000 persons in the United States
of different racial and nationality backgrounds, hereditary
characteristics, social and economic status, religious affilia-
tion, educational training and political beliefs, about equally
divided between the sexes, of all degrees of age from infancy
to senility, most of whom are actually living in some form
of natural family group. But the needs expressed by Pres-
cott and others seem to be basic, regardless of color, creed,
or political belief, economic status or social position, sex or
age.

The Individual Expression of Needs

Prom an individual point of view, we begin, from earliest
infancy, to learn ways of satisfying our needs. When we are
not fed on time, we cry, and some mothers let us cry until
they are ready to feed us, other mothers have a schedule
based upon a study of our feeding rhythm, while still others
run to our crib with the bottle every time we make a sound.
These beginnings in human relationships between mother and
child are also the beginnings in us of learned ways of getting
what we want or need. The same is true of the young child
when he first engages in social contacts with other children

28 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

his own age. If, when Johnny comes over from next door,
mother runs out and brings us in every time she hears one
of us crying, we are, again, learning something of human
relations, i.e., that mothers protect us against every little
experience, whether or not it is wise for her to do so. When
we are in the early adolescent stage, some of our parents
repress and suppress our activities to the extent that we are
hardly able to look at the opposite sex without being re-
proved. We are shadowed and managed to the point of con-
fusion. Some of us revolt at this kind of treatment and begin
going out on the sly, telling lies about what we did or where
we are going, and still others of us leave home completely.
Some of us may submit to this unwise domination and
become socially crippled personalities for life, in that we can
never make a decision for ourselves, can never find the cour-
age to marry, and may suffer great emotional crises at the
loss of either, or both, of our parents. On the other hand, we
may be allowed, by wise guidance, to satisfy our need for
association with other young people and, in the course of
time, make a normal and happy marriage for ourselves.

Our physical needs are, for the most part, easily satisfied
in our earlier years, until we reach the time of life when
wants and needs tend to become one and the same thing.
Then we are constantly striving to satisfy wants that are
stimulated by advertising and salesmanship, by what other
persons have that we do not, and by many other reasons.
Out of these efforts to satisfy our physical wants and needs,
we often find that compromises have to be made. Here,
again, we must look to our learned behavior to understand
why one person has a temper tantrum when he cannot get
the particular pair of shoes he wants, whereas another merely
says, "Well, I am sorry you haven't them," and goes on his
way to look elsewhere.

Thus, we are constantly learning ways of satisfying basic
human needs and drives from early infancy throughout adult
life. As infants, we learn to live in an outside world, to co-
ordinate our bodily functions, and to behave in harmony

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 29

with those around us. During childhood we learn to accept
emotionally the ways of our family and social environment,
to meet the problems of daily life, to accept the fact of our
particular sex, and to continue learning about the world and
people. As we grow into, and through, adolescence our needs
expand. We not only continue to meet previously encoun-
tered needs, but also those of becoming independent of our
family, making vocational choices, choosing a mate, assum-
ing responsibility for our personal behavior, and organizing
our ideas about values which constitute the core of our
philosophy of life. From early adulthood to old age, we con-
tinue striving to satisfy our basic needs.

The Societal Expression of Needs

When we look at society at large, we see that because man
has had certain basic needs he has, through the development
of folkways, mores, laws, and institutions, attempted to
work out an organization of society, designed to meet com-
mon, human needs. Looking at man's basic needs from the
point of view of society at large, we find that in a culture
such as ours in the United States there are four fundamental
kinds of organization of life which have developed in response
to human needs.

The first of these is that maze of economic and industrial
organization of man's life, with attendant legal statutes,
developed in the interest of self -maintenance. Our adjust-
ment to our natural resources has always been, and will, no
doubt, always be, one of the basic problems to which we
must make some form of adaptation. What the natural
resources are, their quantity and quality, and the genius with
which we are able to utilize them for our advantage, form
the starting point for an understanding of most other forms
of organization in any society. Every individual and every
nation is confronted with the problem of dealing with the
realities of the economics of self-maintenance, and some
philosophy of human relationships is implicit in the manner
of dealing with the problem.

30 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

One of the important economic functions which our
family performs for us is that of introducing us to the ideol-
ogy and technique of living in the kind of economic organi-
zation we have. Although the function is not the same as
that of the family a few generations ago, it is equally as
difficult a one to perform.

The adjustment between men and their natural resources
gives rise, also, to a struggle among men. As a result, there
arises need for a second kind of organization which may be
called regulative and protective, or governmental. Here
are regulated the crucial problems of the rights of particular
men and groups of men within the total life of the people,
with respect to their share of the common dividend and pro-
tection of rightful owners against unjust aggression.

In the United States, this form of government is called
democracy. Its fundamental aims are well stated in the
Declaration of Independence:

"We hold . . . that all men are created equal; that they are
endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that
among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness ; that to
secure these rights governments are instituted among men, deriv-
ing their just powers from the consent of the governed ; that, when-
ever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it
is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a
new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and
organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seeni most
likely to effect their safety and happiness. 1 '

Quite apart in some respects, but very closely allied with
the problem of self-maintenance and government, there
exists among all groups of human beings the feeling of
insecurity in this universe, of the mystery in which man
lives; accordingly, there has always arisen some form of
religious ideology. In some societies it has been dominant
in the political and economic life of the people. In others,
while continuing to be dominant in the life of the individual,
it has become more or less removed from the political and
economic organization of society. In the United States,
there is no one dominant form of religion. One may satisfy

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 31

this need according to the dictates of his own conscience, and
the separation of church and state is absolute. There may
be competition among religious groups and much conflict in
the minds of individuals as to which, if any, religious philos-
ophy to adopt, but there is little, or no, vital relationship
between the state, religion, and our economic system.

The fourth basic organization of life within our culture is
brought about by the fact of bisexuality. Because of bi-
sexuality, there have developed folkways, mores, the institu-
tion of marriage, and many customs involving sanctions
and restrictions regarding the way in which the sexes are
associated from earliest childhood to old age. We regulate
the sexes in their relationships before marriage; we decide
who shall marry ; we prescribe their conduct after marriage,
the causes for which, and ways by which, the union may be
terminated, and ways of dealing with widowhood, celibacy,
and similar problems. The one, outstanding, persistent
fact, which has been true throughout history and is true of
all contemporary societies, is that human conduct is, and
has always been, subject to certain cultural regulations.
Whatever our individual needs, they must be satisfied
within the framework of the sanctions and restrictions of the
particular culture in which we live.

From the foregoing, it is clear that we are confronted with
two major problems. The first is the understanding of our
basic needs, urges, and drives, and the second is the organi-
zation of our life to fit into the larger social group pattern of
sanctions and restrictions. Fitting into the larger social
group pattern requires that we learn to inhibit some of our
desires and give full vent to others, under social rule and
sanction. To study just basic needs alone would be inade-
quate. We must also understand "society," " culture," to
understand fully why and how some of our conflicts and
frustrations arise. We must learn to adjust to these cultural
expectations or become a social deviate, among whom are
classed eccentrics, delinquents, criminals, and many of the
mentally unfit.

32 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Throughout this process of growing and living, we must,
in the attempt to satisfy our basic elemental needs, make
decisions, as best we can, which are most nearly in line with
society's expectations of us. There is no escape. If we do not
like the rules of the U. S. A., we can migrate to Samoa or to
Russia or to the Andes; but unless we live as a recluse, we
will find rules, different from our own, to be sure, but regula-
tions within which we must organize our life.

Properly interpreted, stabilized cultural patterns help us
to live a stabilized life, whereas instability within a society
promotes personal and family disorganization, frustration,
conflict, and even panic and revolution, particularly where a
free, democratic process is not available to help us work out
a stabilized and democratically established set of cultural
patterns and regulations of human conduct.

In summary, then, we may say that there are numerous
factors which affect human relationships:

1. Our basic physical, mental, and emotional constitution.

2. Our individual needs, and the degree to which those
needs are being satisfied or thwarted.

3. The habits and attitudes which we have acquired in
the course of our development, e.g., how the learning
process has proceeded.

4. The fact that we happen to have been born of a par-
ticular family, race, religion, social or economic position,
in a particular region of the country, and in rural or
urban setting. Each of these elements transmits to us
certain attitudes about ourselves and our relation to
the rest of human society and also conditions the atti-
tudes and behavior of the rest of society toward us.

5. The predominating ideas of the culture as a whole, and
the type of social organization under which we live.

Making Adjustments

Because we are constantly making adjustments in an
attempt to satisfy our individual needs and conform to
society's regulation of our behavior, it is desirable to learn

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 33

something of the ways in which human behavior expresses
the fulfillment of our needs or the thwarting of our attempts
to satisfy our needs. The first adjustments we make are to
basic, physiological needs and drives. At birth, we enter a
world of temperature variations, loud noises, glaring lights,
hard, material objects, and a variety of human beings. Our
original equipment is largely that of sensitivity, and multi-
form activity, with a capacity for growth and for learning
and adaptability. We begin to learn that wants are not
always immediately satisfied and must often be altered or
inhibited completely. The adjustments we make, therefore,
are dependent upon the nature of our original equipment at
birth, the way in which we learn to meet the situations of
everyday life and to handle our basic, physiological drives,
the strength of our drives, and the motivations and effort
we have put forth in trying to satisfy them.

The adjustment we make to life situations is learned. We
may learn from experience by trial and error, or because
someone has guided in certain specific ways the random
attempts we made to satisfy our needs. In the course of our
development, we acquire habits which tend to become the
usual or characteristic ways in which we approach and at-
tempt to meet new situations. Some of these learned ways
may prove to be successful and constructive, while others
may prove to be destructive and unsatisfactory. By con-
structive, we mean beneficial to our physical, social, and
emotional stability and contributing to, or giving evidence of,
maturity in our behavior.

Ways of Meeting Situations

The quality of the learning and the goal which we seek are
matters subject to both cultural definition and education.
We are expected to behave according to the moral code and
social standards of our culture. In the course of develop-
ment, we may, because of circumstances or experience, be-
come antisocial and criminal in our tendencies. We may,
because of severe, harsh discipline, form early patterns of

34 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

hostility toward other human beings and society, or we may,
because of wiser guidance, acquire friendliness ways and
socially beneficial habits and attitudes. Good adjustment,
therefore, is an ethical concept and subject to those criteria
of good or bad which our society, our community, our
friends, and our families hold to be good and acceptable.

For adults, then, whether the situation to be met be an
environmental obstacle, a personal defect, a social situation,
or a conflict over antagonistic motives, varied efforts are
usually made in attempting an adjustment. Success in
adjustment depends, in large measure, upon the individual's
ability to continue varying his responses until success is
achieved. Poor adjustment is often due to lack of motivation
or because of emotional situations created by the baffling
situation. A good adjustment is one which satisfies the
needs of the individual. It may be a socially desirable or
undesirable response. One purpose of education is to help us
to understand both our behavior and that of others and to
utilize personally and socially desirable ways of making ad-
justments to all kinds of life situations.

Running Away

Running away is one of the common forms of adjustment
we find people making. This kind of behavior is desirable
where the situation may endanger the health, life, or morals
of the person. One would naturally avoid living in an area
infected by malaria or where conditions of sanitation were
likely to promote disease and ill health. One would ordi-
narily tend to flee from a burning house or from an area where
rioting was in progress. These are forms of running away or
avoidance behavior which protect us from injury or death.
On the other hand, there are forms of running away which
are used to avoid responsibility or to avoid consequences of a
situation that frightens us. These are signs of social or
emotional immaturity which can, to some degree, and should
be modified.

Examples of running away behavior may be viewed in

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 35

our everyday experiences. The very short person often
compensates for his stature by aggressiveness. He really
feels inferior and inadequate, and so he tries to make up for
his feelings by these kinds of actions. The girl who is inse-
cure may attach herself to the teacher or a prominent person,
and, thus, through identification, help to build up her sense
of importance. Projection is blaming someone else for our
failure or the failure of a situation. All of the above are
kinds of defense mechanisms we use to save face, avoid
criticism or blame, or to put ourselves in a better light.

One way of withdrawing or running away from a situation
is by being negativistic. We strike back, say no, disagree
constantly, and refuse to cooperate. Because we are afraid
and insecure, we protect ourselves by hurting others through
negative responses, so that they will not hurt us. Another
form of running away is through phantasy or daydreaming.
We spend time wishing ourselves beautiful, important, rich,
or something else, without putting any real effort into trying
to achieve our ambition. This is a kind of inability to face
reality. Seclusiveness and timidity need no example. Shy,
timid individuals avoid all kinds of situations because they
are overly aware of themselves. They are afraid someone will
think they are queer, or that they will not act correctly at a
party, or that they will be a failure at whatever task they
undertake. This kind of behavior is often associated with
overly strict discipline or standards, which brings about a
fear of criticism or self-criticism as a result of failure. Retro-
gression is adjustment by returning to infantile or childish
forms of behavior. The adult temper tantrum is a good
example. Adjustment by the use of ailments is very com-
mon. A student is expected to take a final examination;
he acquires a severe headache and general indisposition and
avoids meeting the disagreeable situation by staying away.
His feigned illness, often very real in its symptoms, has been
used to escape from meeting an intolerable and difficult
situation.

Rationalization is perhaps the most common form of

36 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

evasion. We are afraid of the water, and so we turn down
all invitations to go swimming with the "gang." We
manufacture beautiful excuses or justifications for not being
able to go. What makes this form of running away bad is
that we come to believe our rationalizations and allow this
form of mental evasion to become a fixed habit pattern.
We thereby build up a protective way of always shielding
ourselves from facing and accepting our true needs and dif-
ficulties.

Another most commonly used form of adjustment is worry
and anxiety. A sorority tea is planned, and you are chair-
man of the committee. You worry and fret yourself into a
sick headache before the time for the tea has arrived. Worry
is the commonest form of emotional dissipation. It blocks
accomplishment and frustrates normal, physiological func-
tions.

Attacking Situations

There are both wise and unwise techniques which may be
learned when trying to tackle life problems.

The least valuable forms of attack are nagging, bullying,
and temper tantrums. These, for the most part, are childish
ways of meeting a situation. We only exhibit to others our
emotional instability when we use them. They may be the
ways by which, throughout life, we have gotten what we
wanted, and, if they are long standing mechanisms of re-
sponse, they will be all the harder to change.

The more mature person attacks a situation by first
giving some thought to it. He will figure out a solution, try it
out and then try another if the first fails. His attack is more
reasoned and controlled than that of the immature person,
who kicks and screams at the screen door when it sticks a
little in wet weather. There are many situations that can be
solved by this direct and intelligent approach. The intel-
ligent person proceeds to do what he has decided to do,
whether it is to build a culvert over a ditch, oil a gate so that
it does not squeak, or fix a windowpane that has been broken.

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 37

Altering Our Own Attitudes

There are other situations that cannot be changed unless
we change our own attitude toward the problem.

Take the case, for example, of the college freshman who
wishes to get married. This is a situation which may involve
parental desires, lack of means of support, immaturity of
age, and giving up one's education. The values for and
against such action have to be carefully evaluated. One has
to ask one's self what the pleasures or advantages are if one
marries under these circumstances, and what the pleasures
or advantages are if one does not choose to marry.

Or a young woman may have married a man who likes to
have wine served with his dinner, but she herself has been
brought up to abhor the thought of having liquor in the
home. She has the alternative of having her husband eating
elsewhere, trying to change his desire for wine at mealtimes,
or of altering her own feelings about the situation. If an
issue is made of the matter, he may prefer to eat with "the
boys" and do his social drinking away from home, whereas,
if she changes her attitude, he may be more likely to do
a minimum of drinking. Any compromise or adjustment
involves a certain amount of pain for the one who makes the
greatest sacrifice in his behavior or beliefs.

Or we may have had our heart set on going to a particular
university and, due to financial reverses, find it impossible.
In this case, circumstances have created a situation which
we cannot easily alter. We must decide to go to a different
school or get a job until we can go to the college of first
choice. In making this adjustment, we may find ourselves
utilizing many of the behavior mechanisms previously
discussed, such as rationalization, projection, and so on, or
we may approach the .problem intelligently.

It should be pointed out, however, that being blocked or
thwarted in the pursuit of a certain goal leads to frustration
which must be allowed some form of release. Anger out-
bursts, blaming others for our disappointments, drinking

38 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

to drown our troubles, or withdrawing from society may be
the ways we use, or we may face the situation by praying
about our troubles, taking a walk around the block, talking
the matter over with a friend, or going out and playing a
game of golf. It depends upon the patterns of response to
frustration we have learned. Doing something about the
situation is better for personal integration and mental
hygiene and is, at the same time, more socially acceptable.

Balance in Living

By acquiring satisfying and constructive ways of meeting
frustration, we are more likely, through force of habit, to
make better adjustments. This acquiring of good habit
patterns for satisfying our physical, social, and other basic
needs is the way we arrive at what is called maturity. Physi-
cal maturity means the attainment of as nearly optimum
physical stature and proportions as possible, the ability to
function normally in one's physical activities, and the prac-
tice of desirable habits of physical care. Mental or intellec-
tual maturity consists for the most part of daily perform-
ances that are in accordance with one's mental develop-
ment. Alertness, curiosity and the acquiring of new knowl-
edge from day to day, which facilitate one's successes, are
characteristics of the mentally mature person.

Emotional and social maturity imply that one acts and
behaves in a manner which is in accord with his age. Poise,
stability in facing disappointments, persistence in accom-
plishing one's goals, friendly social relationships and many
other characteristics are found in the mature person.

The attainment of maturity and good adjustment ways
of living is a process which wise persons strive for at all
ages of development. Acquiring many interests and out-
lets at each stage of our development is an advantage in
helping us achieve maturity and happiness. Music, art,
hobbies, friends, social interests, the theater, gardening,
nature study, crafts, one's work, writing, and a hundred
other interests offer a wide field from which to choose one's

BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR 39

activities. They provide fun and enlightenment at all times
and are useful outlets for emotional hurt in times of crisis.
For example, the college student who is dependent upon the
friendship of a single person, or who tends to withdraw
from coeducational social contacts is perpetuating a pattern
which, in time of need, will prove to be a liability. These
kinds of patterns are like building a bridge with only one
prop under it. When a storm comes, out goes the prop and
away goes the bridge. Balance in living is the best insur-
ance we can have for meeting the many inevitable problems
which life is sure to bring.

If not already apparent, however, it will be seen later that
success or failure in marriage depends upon the habit, atti-
tude, and adjustment ways which individuals learn in the
process of growing up, and upon their ability to make an
adequate adaptation of these patterns of life to their rela-
tionships with each other, as young people, before marriage,
as husband and wife, as parents, and in the many situations
which arise in marriage.

CHAPTER III

THE EVOLUTION OF FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS
IN RELATION TO MARRIAGE

Modern research is discovering that individuals who have
a wide variety of friends throughout the course of their
development tend to marry better mates and live more
happily than those who lead a more isolated kind of existence.
This means that we have made the normal transitions from
infancy to maturity more successfully and happily than
others. It means that we have had nearly twenty years of
practice in the fine art of meeting, adjusting, and adapting
ourselves to other people. We have practiced and learned
much of human relationships by experience. Our basic
learning of social habit patterns has followed all the rules
of good education, i.e., we have satisfactorily acquired both
attitudes a philosophy and habits of working, playing,
and associating with other human beings. True character
development real democracy has been at work.

Early Stages of Development

Close observers of infancy are accustomed to think of our
first four years as falling into three periods. The first of
these is when our main contacts are with the outside world
through our mother. Eating and sleeping are our main
preoccupations. Our bodily functions are carried on almost
automatically. Then, around the end of the first year or
beginning of the second, we begin to take an interest in our
normal bodily functions. This is an important period. We
find that we can use these functions to annoy our parents
and get our own way. While this is not the first time that

40

FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS 41

we come in conflict with our environment, since we may not
make an early adjustment to feeding, it is the time at which
we are likely to be thwarted or punished for what, to us,
seems a natural act. It is possible that such traits as stub-
bornness and self-assertiveness or extreme submissiveness will
begin to appear. During this time, from birth to the middle
or end of our second year, we are gaining our first real
knowledge of what other humans are like, whether they are
friendly or hostile. It is the origin of our first friendliness or
hostility patterns. If we are forced, scolded, shamed, or pun-
ished too much, we are likely to develop a negative and hostile
attitude. If our handling is kind, understanding, firm, and
consistent, we are more likely to develop reciprocal attitudes.
The best patterns of affectional relationship result from lack
of anxiety, anger, or concern and from consistent habit
training.

The last stage of this earliest development pattern is
when we discover our genital region. Before this stage is
over, we will have thoroughly explored our bodies and asked
many questions about our origin and the difference between
ourselves and the other sex. Here again, over-concern or
too strict discipline may focus too much attention upon this
normal period of development which will ordinarily give way
to growing interests along other lines.

The world is becoming a friendly and interesting place,
or it is becoming a disagreeable and hostile environment.
This entire stage through the fourth year is one in which
we are concerned largely with*ourselves. We are engaged
in getting acquainted with our own body as a means of
becoming at home in the world and of becoming aware of
ourselves as persons, distinct from other persons.

We have seen earlier that one of the basic needs of every
human being is love affection affectional security. The
fulfillment or thwarting of this begins when we first suckle
our mother's breast and is particularly important during our
early years. Our first love experiences are bound up with our
bodily needs and the way in which our mother is associated

42 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

with these needs, with affection or indifference or hostility
or over-protective anxiety. Thus, our first love object or
friend object is our mother. It is easy to see the importance
of the kind of love or friendliness pattern the mother has with
the father, other children, or relatives. One of the basic
factors, important in the prediction of success in marriage,

is that the couple have had a wholesome, aff ectional relation-
ship with their respective parents. Thus, again, we see that
at this early stage real preparation for success or failure in
later marriage is, in part, in the making for us.

Another pattern that is developing is a certain degree of
attachment to one or the other of our parents. As boys, we
may identify ourselves so completely with our mother as to
become too effeminate, or, if too closely with the father, we
may develop prolonged interest in members of our own sex,
which may affect our later adjustment t those of the
opposite sex.

FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS 43

By the time we enter school, we have laid the foundations
of our future personality. We are, in fact, already a real,
independent personality in our own right. We are con-
stantly experiencing the same needs as the adult and are
finding ourselves being thwarted as well as achieving success
in fulfilling our needs.

Later Stages of Development

By the time we have reached the grades in school, we have
passed through the second stage of development. It is one
of self-centeredness and self-admiration. While our attach-
ment to our mother is still important, our interests are
centered largely upon ourselves. Characteristics of selfish-
ness, individualism, show-offishness, attention getting, and
a consciousness of ourselves as boy or girl begin to appear.
This stage lasts only a short time, and we normally pass into
that period of life when segregated interests in our own sex
are important. Boys' "gangs," girls' clubs, secret societies,
sports, games, and the apparent rejection of the opposite
sex are characteristic of our age.

The friendship importance of this stage is apparent. As
boys, we learn to be boys, and, as girls, we learn to be girls
and to get along with our own sex. It both precedes and laps
over into the turbulent changes of the physical and emotional
onset of puberty and adolescence, which rapidly differen-
tiates us from the opposite sex by the very fact of the
difference in the nature and rapidity of this development in
boys and girls.

Our little-girl friendships develop into "crushes," and, as
boys, we may attach ourselves to pals and buddies. Through-
out a good part of adolescence, these friendships continue
and are a normal part of our preparation for adult life. This
11 homosexual " stage centers around puberty and early
adolescence, and friendships with both boys and girls are on
a romantic and sentimental level. These "crushes" and
" homosexual" friendships are intense, but both lack the
depth of mature, adult love and are short lived. They are

44

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

fraught with jealousy and possessiveness and are easily
forgotten as we pass on to new friendships.

Many times real harm is done to us by the attitudes which
adults show toward our early homosexual and beginning
heterosexual " crushes." Out of these normal experiences,
with the bestowing and receiving of affection and compan-

ionship from our own sex, come not only many lasting
friendships, but they satisfy needs for intimate response ob-
tained in no other way. They are aids to us in breaking
down some of our dependence upon our parents while we
are developing self-confidence and making the slow, but
necessary, transition to a normal, adult, heterosexual inter-
est. The entire drama of growing into young manhood and
young womanhood is complicated by the development of
primary sex characteristics and the fact that girls begin to
develop about two years ahead of boys. As junior-high-
school girls, we become the friendship object of the senior-
high-school boy, while our erstwhile "twin brother" of the
same age continues his " homosexual" interests, with only
casual concern for girls..

FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS 45

By the time we reach the age at which most people many,
we should have acquired the characteristics of a young adult.
Chiefly, these include the development of a normal love
interest in the opposite sex of our own age and the selection
of a mate; emancipation from dependence upon our parents,
which includes reliance upon ourselves and the planning of
our own future ; the ability to meet life situations with rea-
sonable emotional and social maturity; being economically
self-sufficient and having developed a reasonably good start
at formulating for ourselves a working philosophy of life.

When Bill Jones, age twenty-four, cannot give up his
mother to marry the girl of his choice, and when attractive
Mary Smith is so timid and afraid of men that she has
never had a date at the age of twenty-three, we see evidence
of faulty development. We see cases which indicate that
early friendliness patterns and attitudes have been mis-
directed. They not only are thwarted in achieving their
desire for marriage and a family, but every aspect of their
lives will be colored by their choice, or, rather, their inability
to make a choice in line with what is ordinarily the usual
and typical performance of other young adults of their own
age.

Thus, the attainment of the heterosexual goal means
physical and intellectual maturity and the beginning of the
achievement of that more difficult state : emotional ma-
turity. This involves leaving behind our childish and adoles-
cent desires and ways of satisfying them and the gradual
acceptance of adult responsibility, extending both to our
individual associations and mates and to society. Many
people do not attain this goal. Others attain it only tem-
porarily and are frustrated and fall back to earlier levels.
The majority who attain mature relationships in certain
aspects of their lives may not be able to do so in others.

The evolution of friendliness patterns has been discussed
only through the chronological age of adolescence. By that
time we are expected to have acquired some degree of
maturity, and we are supposedly ready to assume the re-

46 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

sponsibilities of adult life, of which selecting a mate, mar-
riage, and the establishment of a home and family is one.
What seems to be true for most of us is that we pass through
a pattern of growth and development more or less similar
to the one previously described. But, from the end of
adolescence, each of us then seems to struggle with life,
utilizing the basic and acquired patterns we have developed
up until this time as tools by which we make our adjustments
and adaptations. We seem to be always in the process of
achieving maturity.

These early patterns have, for each of us, led to certain
emotional attachments, behavior characteristics, and re-
sponse feelings toward and about life, including ourselves.
At the beginning of maturity, they act, in some cases, as
aids to human associations and, in others, as handicaps.

Mate Selection in Relation to Personality

Library shelves are filled with books, each emphasizing,
in its own good way, the sexual, economic, historical, anthro-
pological, spiritual, educational, or other aspects of daily
living as the important cornerstones upon which marriage is
based. But I am convinced that finding the right mate,
getting along well with that mate, and success in fulfilling
parental responsibility are basically personality problems.

Physical attraction is never in and of itself a satisfactory
basis for permanent and successful marriage. It is much
more important that we consider the possibility of contin-
uance of affection, respect, and understanding and those
other attributes which make for day-to-day relationships of
a friendly, cooperative, and understanding nature. Man's
physical appearance and functions change rapidly with time,
but the more basic qualities which underlie stable patterns
of friendliness are things which endure throughout the en-
tirety of one's lifetime. A friendship is no transient affair
but the product of early formed shared appreciations, in-
terests, and activities. For friendships to continue through
all of the physical changes which take place in man's develop-

FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS ' 47

tnent, they must be built upon a much firmer basis than mere
physical attraction.

The development of relationships of friendliness may in-
volve only single individuals with whom we have a firm
and life-long companionship, or they may involve a larger
number of persons with varied interests from our own.
Since our appreciations change throughout the years, it is de-
sirable that we acquire, early in life, the ability to develop
friendships with several people, as well as more intense
friendships with one or two people. Very often an individ-
ual will make the statement that he has no friends in the
community, not realizing that those persons who have many
friends are friendly persons and have the capacity essential
to being a good friend. The extent of our friendship and the
richness of it, however, may be enlarged by our having
acquired a wide range of interests which gives us a better
basis of common understanding of other people. Often a
person, who is a close friend during one period of our life,
may become only a casual friend, because the basis of our
relationship has centered largely around some specific, pass-
ing interest, such as, for example, stamp collecting, dancing,
or photography.

Perhaps even more important than these single interests
is the fact that individuals develop, among themselves, cer-
tain lines of communication which make it possible for each
to sense and understand the actions and motives of the
other. The basis of communication between any two indi-
viduals lies in those overt expressions of mannerism, voice,
and action which the other person learns to interpret as
friendly or hostile. These gestures and mannerisms by
which we convey to the world some clue to our own private,
inner feelings may not be a true record of what we actually
are. It is easy for us to misconstrue another person's appar-
ent preoccupation and absent-mindedness or indifference.
If we recall the case of Mary Jane Smith, we find that her
basic feeling of inferiority may have, in many ways, conveyed
to other people that she was aloof or snobbish. But we know

48 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

that what she was actually doing was running away from
people in social situations, not because she disliked them or
felt she was better than they, but because she was afraid
and had not learned self-confidence in the matter of social
behavior.

Another important quality of friendship, which we see
evolved in the process of growing up, is shown in the degree
of dependence or over-protection which one person may
exhibit in relation to another. This kind of friendly rela-
tionship may be called possessiveness. It is possible that in
the course of our life we may have been starved for recogni-
tion, approval, and affection, so that when we reach our high-
school or college days we are constantly seeking for those
things which we have had little of in our past experience.
The nature of all of our relationships with our peers will be
affected by the efforts we put forth to gain their approval.
On the other hand, we may have grown up in a family where
we were completely engulfed in constant love and affection.
In this case, upon leaving home, we desire it so greatly that
we attempt to engulf others with the kind of possessive
friendliness which may tend either to drive them away from
us or create in them a feeling of being smothered by our well-
meaning attentions. In cases of this sort, we are not really
being a friend to the other person, but we are needing the
love and affection of someone else so badly that it is our-
selves we are concerned about rather than the other indi-
vidual.

Capacity for Giving and Accepting Affection

Friendliness, as well as love, involves the capacity for giv-
ing as well as the capacity for accepting. It is not uncommon
to find individuals, both of whom are old enough to marry
or, in many cases, may already have married, who are tre-
mendously in need of affectional response from each other
but unable to give the very thing which is needed. It may
seem strange that two individuals, each wanting love and
affection, are unable to provide each other with the very

FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS 49

thing which they need the most. In cases of this kind, we
see individuals who have all of their lives been on the receiv-
ing end of recognition, approval, and affection but who, in
their experience, have never learned how to give of these
same experiences. All of this means that there has to be a
maturity or balance in the quality of the friendliness which
we evolve if we are to pass through childhood into the later
stages of our development and find suitable friends of our
own and the opposite sex with whom we can share experi-
ences, on both a personal and impersonal basis, without
frightening the other person away by our apparent abnormal
need for dependence upon him nor losing him as a friend
because of our own apparent lack of cordiality.

We may also see exhibited in individuals the antithesis of
this behavior in that they are constantly running away from
and rejecting any friendly approach on the part of another
person. The underlying cause of this may be their great
need and desire for affectional security which they have
never had in the course of their lifetime or, at least, have
never had to their satisfaction.

From the time we enter elementary school until we reach
the age of maturity, we see evidences of both friendly and
unfriendly relationship patterns in our home life, in our
associations with those of our own age, in the selection of a
mate, and after marriage itself. All of these activities be-
tween our associates and ourselves are concrete evidence of
friendliness patterns or hostility patterns in the making.

Let us look at the cases o two children of elementary
school age and see what kinds of attitudes toward other
human beings they are developing as a result of their ex-
perience with their families and, in the latter case, teachers.

Johnny Jones is a six-year-old whose father is a very intel-
lectual person, but who also is very excitable and very much
concerned over the fact that Johnny has a speech difficulty.
Johnny stammers a great deal, particularly when his parents
have company and, at times, when they want him to be a
nice, mannerly little boy. His mother is also a very excitable

50 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

person who talks rapidly and is very much worried and con-
cerned over her son's speech impediment. The parents have
done almost everything, so they say, to cure Johnny of his
bad habit. They prompt him, they sit him in a chair and
smack his hand when he makes a mistake, they have taken
him to a great many doctors to see if there is some physical
difficulty, but Johnny gets worse rather than better. Johnny
has an eight-year-old brother who has no speech difficulty,
and who is doing unusually well in school. The parents are
continually pointing out to the six-year-old the things his
older brother does and the way in which he does them and
are constantly pushing Johnny to achieve a standard of
behavior and conduct like that of his brother. As a result
of this pressure, anxiety, and tenseness in the family situa-
tion, Johnny is developing many kinds of behavior which we
might call resentful and hostile. He is learning that other
people are not nice, friendly, helpful, sympathetic individ-
uals, but rather that they are severe, harsh, and lacking in
understanding. In this situation, we have the beginnings of
a pattern of hostility toward human relationships which
make it difficult for Johnny to live a happy and cooperative
life in his relationship with other human beings in whatever
situation he may find himself.

The next case concerns a little boy eight years old whose
father has gone to war and whose mother is so busy with a
professional job that she has little time to devote to her son.
After seven years of stability and security within the family,
things have changed for him. He no longer sees his Daddy
coming home in the evening to play with him, and his
mother no longer has the amount of time to devote to his
questions and interests that she used to have. Billy must
get up earlier in the morning in order to be fed, dressed, and
left with a neighbor so that the mother can get to work on
time, and Billy can go to school with the neighbor's children.
After school, Billy must go home with the neighbor's chil-
dren and stay there until six o'clock, when mother returns
from work. Just as the neighbor family is sitting down to

FRIENDUNESS PATTERNS 51

dinner, Billy has to be taken home where he waits for dinner
to be prepared, and then, in order that he will get enough
sleep, he is hurried off to bed so that he can get up early the
next morning, have breakfast, and start the routine again.
Billy is exhibiting many kinds of behavior problems at
school. His actions are not in conformity with school stand-
ards, and he has developed a kind of indifference toward
discipline which exasperates the teacher.

"He even was so bad one day that, when the class stood
to salute the flag, he said, *Heil Hitler' instead," reported
the teacher.

This created a good deal of comment in the class. The
teacher promptly took Billy to task for saying such a thing
and sent him to the principal's office, whereupon the princi-
pal told Billy that if he did it again she would have to call the
F.B.I.

The case of Billy is another illustration of the way in
which even an eight-year-old reacts to changes in his envi-
ronment and added stress and strain to which he is having
difficulty making a normal adjustment. It also illustrates
the fact that Billy is learning about people. He is learning
to feel that his father and mother no longer have time for
him and beginning to think that he is rejected and neglected.
He is also learning that schoolteachers do not understand
little boys, and that they are severe and threatening in their
attitudes and actions. He is learning to feel certain ways
about authority and about security and about all of his rela-
tionships with those with whom he would like to have a
closer, warmer, and more affectionate association.

If we look in upon the relationships of boys and girls who
have reached the later years of their elementary school
career, we see boys teasing girls, and girls teasing boys. We
find boys isolating themselves into groups of boys, and girls
being more interested in each other than in the opposite sex.
We find that boys, in the eyes of girls, for the time being,
are unmannered, hostile little creatures, and that girls, in the
eyes of boys, are "sissies." These relationships, however, in

Si MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

contrast to those previously recited, are a part of the normal
development which we all pass through and will very
quickly change to that heterosexual interest which leads to
dating and, later on, engagement and marriage.

Continuation of Conditioning

If we look at the things that happen to us during our four
years of high-school experience, we are certain that there is
a continuation of that conditioning which further adds to our
feeling of friendliness, fear, or hostility toward other human
beings. High-school boys and girls are constantly asking
questions like these: "What can I do to keep my mother
from nagging me morning, noon, and night ?" "Whom
should I obey when my parents do not agree ?" "Why am
I allowed to say things and do as I like when the family is
alone and then get scolded for those same things when we
have guests?" "Why do my sister and I constantly quarrel
with each other?" "Why won't my parents allow me to
have dates with boys?" and "How can I change the mind
of a boy who always wants to get 'fresh* on a date, without
hurting his feelings? "

It is evident from these questions, which could be multi-
plied tenfold, that, throughout the past history of these
young people up to the time they finish high school, their
lives with their parents and associations with their friends
have resulted in a puzzled attitude toward the establishment
of friendly relationships. All of these experiences are reflected
more or less in their overt behavior and relationship to other
people.

Let us look at the questions from young people of college
age who are engaged and contemplating marriage. One
young woman asks, for example, what constructive attitude
might be taken toward a prospective mother-in-law who is
friendly, but who holds her son's affection by taking all
her problems to him. Here is a case where, no doubt, the
mother's over-protective attitude toward her son and his

FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS 53

development of dependence upon her may be so strong that
he can never actually emancipate himself.

Another college freshman asks the question, "How can a
child help a parent to readjust, to find new interests as the
child grows more independent of the family?" These kinds
of feelings are primarily feelings of attachment to and affec-
tion for one's family. They show, at the same time, a need
to grow up and become self-sufficient and independent of the
protection and security which one has enjoyed for a long
period of years. This is one of the normal problems which
confront every young person when he leaves home for the
first time to attend college, to go into the army, or to embark
upon a career. A similar type of question is asked by a
young woman who wants to know what to do because her
family has become so dependent upon her as a means of sup-
port that she is in conflict over her desire to marry and her
loyalty to support her family. These are not easy questions
to answer, but they do, again, show us how inevitably our
experiences during the first eighteen years of life affect all
of our feelings, attitudes, and relationships with other human
beings and may contribute to feelings of hostility or resent-
ment at being unable to achieve for ourselves certain goals
or ambitions or contribute to our finding happiness in the
achievement of our ideals.

A last example is that of a young married couple who are
in conflict over how to divide their leisure time between
their respective families when the mother of an only son
cries if 75 per cent of their time is not spent with her. Little
comment is needed to point out the way in which the rela-
tionship of this mother and son is affecting his relationship
to his wife and his personal adjustment and relationship to
other people.

The early and continuous development of friendliness
patterns, which give us the ability to meet and live with
other people successfully, are significant from the standpoint
of establishing initially satisfactory relationships with those

54 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

of the opposite sex. That they are important in the develop-
ment of a normal courtship which leads to engagement and
the possibility of a successful marriage would seem to be an
indisputable point.

The maturity of one's human association patterns is an
important index of his possible success in marriage, in his
chosen occupation, in his participation in civic and public
ajfairs, and in all the rest of his daily living.

Maturity in Relation to Mate Selection

In relation to chronological age, research has established
certain standards of performance for individuals of different
age levels. Whereas the child one year old weighs about
20 pounds and is 25 to 35 inches tall, creeps, pulls himself
up to a standing position, can use his hands well, has begun
to do things with blocks and ball, can say one or two words,
is weaned from the bottle, can usually control his bowels,
the same child at three is very active. He weighs about
26 pounds, is from 28 to 40 inches tall, runs, jumps, balances
himself well, likes rhythmic play, can ride a tricycle, can
string beads, likes to draw and paste pictures, can pretend
a line of blocks is a train, likes to hear and try to repeat
nursery rhymes, is imitating many things he sees, can talk
full sentences, can feed himself, help with dressing and un-
dressing, brush his teeth, and no longer wets the bed.

Physical maturity has, first of all, certain criteria. The
above examples illustrate maturity at two age levels. The
person of eighteen or over also has certain characteristics
of physical maturity. Some boys and girls are physically
more mature at fourteen than others at sixteen or seventeen.
This factor is important in relation to dating and mate selec-
tion. A first evidence of maturity is the age of puberty.
This ranges from about ten years of age to as late as eighteen
in some boys and girls, with the average usually between
twelve and sixteen. The sex organs begin to mature rapidly,
and secondary characteristics are noticeable. The boy's
voice change begins to appear, his muscles increase in size,

FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS 55

pubic hair appears, his beard becomes shavable; whereas in
the girl menstruation begins, her breasts enlarge, her figure
fills out, the pelvis broadens, pubic hair appears, and usu-
ally from one to three years after first menstruation she
becomes fertile and able to bear children.

Mental age or intellectual maturity is important for two
reasons. The mating of the mentally deficient tends to lower
the quality of the population. The quality of intelligence is
an important factor in determining the individual's capacity
for growth and adjustment in every sphere of his life.

Social maturity more often than not goes hand in hand
with emotional maturity. It is particularly important in
relation to marriage. Many fine, physically and mentally
above average young men have never married because they
were socially immature. Their lack of having acquired social
friendliness patterns thwarted their development, made them
insecure, fearful of social contacts with the opposite sex.
They avoided the opposite sex during adolescence and con-
tinued to find greater security either alone or with their own
sex. This may have resulted from fear and shyness, lack of
knowledge of and about the opposite sex, or rigid and unwise
parental control of their relations with others during child-
hood and, particularly, during adolescence.

Social and emotional maturity, which is reflected in our
everyday association with others, is one of the most impor-
tant aspects of our development. There are many criteria
for maturity, but none seems to be very practical and easy
of interpretation. We may say, for example, that a mature
person has a reasonably objective point of view about him-
self and other people. To achieve this, however, is not easy,
nor is it easy to define for ourselves what we mean by objec-
tive in this sense. To say that one is mature who is able to
profit by his own experience and the experience of others
may be easier to follow, as well as saying that we have some
knowledge of social life and what the requirements are for
living in the kind of society of which we are a part. The
mature person might also say that he is one who makes con-

56 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

cessions to others but, at the same time, does not become
too dependent upon them, and that he is a person who faces
every situation with a minimum of frustration and a maxi-
mum of poise. He may also be an individual who can fulfill
his economic role in life, thus becoming relatively independ-
ent of his parents or other sources of economic support; he
can accept responsibility for his own actions and is not
overly dependent upon flattery, praise, and compliments and
does not take offense too easily at what he deems to be
slights. The mature person may also have the ability to
weigh immediate versus ultimate value and make decisions
accordingly. No one person can achieve perfection; just as
there is no such thing as 100 per cent efficiency in the opera-
tion of an engine, so we should not expect 100 per cent
efficiency in personal living, in marriage, or in other human
relationships. We need not feel discouraged because we find
many situations in which we feel that we do not fully meas-
ure up to our expectations. We need only to attempt to
understand our own capacity and ability and undertake to
improve those qualities in which we feel ourselves to be the
least mature and successful.

If one is as physically mature for his age as he can be and
practices living in such a way as to foster continued physical
health; if one recognizes his intellectual capacity, accepts
himself for what he may be able to accomplish; if one under-
stands his social needs and works at the task of strengthen-
ing his deficiencies; and if one knows about wherein his
emotional maturity or immaturity is an asset or a liability
and is trying to make continued improvement, he is a ready
candidate for marriage. It is important to note that he need
not necessarily have arrived at perfection, but rather at an
understanding and acceptance of himself, an awareness of
his needs, and a desire for improvement. When any two
individuals of this caliber meet and have the other qualifica-
tions basic to mating for them, a good start on a successful
marriage has been made.

FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS 57

Summary

Up to this point an attempt has been made to show some-
thing of the origin of human behavior patterns and to point
out how, at every turn of our life, we are gradually but inevi*
tably acquiring habits, attitudes, and basic patterns which
are forming the basis for the kind of friendliness patterns we
will carry through life with us.

We have also attempted to point out the fact that, as
personalities, we function in terms of our total, integrated
self, and not in parts. There is no legitimate separation of
the biological from the social, emotional, intellectual, or
spiritual self. We have seen that, at birth, we have a certain
basic personality structure which is variable among indi-
viduals, and which forms the basis for our future develop-
ment. We have seen that everyone has certain basic and
acquired human needs which, when not satisfied, lead to
forms of adjustment which are detrimental to the best inter-
ests of the individual and society. We have seen how all of
life experiences contribute to the formation, in each of us,
of certain patterns of adjustment, which make it inevitable
that we become the kind of functioning adults we are.
Whether we are friendly, have many associates, participate
in life actively and confidently, succeed in finding a mate,
establishing a home and raising a family, or whether we are
hostile, unfriendly, and antisocial is determined by the
course of the development of our patterns of adjustment
early in life. Finally, we have tried to emphasize the im-
portance of personality development and the acquiring of
friendliness patterns as basic to later success in mating and
marriage adjustment.

We shall, from now on, be thinking almost entirely about
ourselves, our relationships, and our ways of meeting the
wide range of problems which in the course of living every-
one must meet, successfully or unsuccessfully. The immedi-
ate problem is one of considering how mate selection takes

58 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

place, the factors which seem to make a good match, some
of the problems which arise during courtship, engagement,
and planning for marriage. This phase of our study of
marriage and family relationships is especially important,
since success or failure is so dependent upon the kind of
mating which takes place at the outset. Many unsuccessful
marriages might not develop if the factors suggested in the
following chapters were carefully applied to one's selection
of a marriage partner.

Part II
The Immediate Prelude to Marriage

" Love not as do the flesh imprisoned men
Whose dreams are of a bitter bought

caress,

Or even of a maiden's tenderness
Whom they love only that she loves again.
For it is but thyself thou lovest then,
Or what thy thoughts would glory to

possess;
But love thou nothing thou wouldst love

the less

If henceforth ever hidden from thy ken."

Santayana, George, Poems, p. 8,

lines 1-8, Sonnet VI. Charles

Scribner's Sons, New York,

1923.

CHAPTER IV

DATING AND COURTSHIP

In our American culture, dating, beginning at about
twelve to fourteen years of age with girls and fourteen to
sixteen years of age with boys, is as normal a part of growing
up as the onset of puberty. The vast majority of young
people associate with the opposite sex from preschool years
through adult life. The period of intense interest of boys and
girls in each other is just an extension of their play activities
which take a particular form and come under more closely
supervised social control. Our keepers of public morals keep
closer tab on our social behavior at this period. Dating and
courting are essentially social in their character at the outset.
The problems which arise and often carry over into the
period approaching engagement are essentially the same.
The anxieties, frustrations, and problems are those which
we find associated with the undertaking of any new experi-
ence. In order to understand our feeling of concern when we
go out for the first time and the other insecurities and self-
consciousness we may feel, it i necessary to recognize the
fact that these feelings are normal for everyone and are
related to the kinds of social experiences and emotional
development we have had. The new element in the situation
is not so much one of being conscious of sex per se, as of being
self-conscious of the other sex and naive in our experience
with that sex at a grown-up level. We are made more aware
of our developing interests and activities with boys or girls
by increased parental concern over whom we go with and
where we go, by the active interest of younger brothers
and sisters in what is happening, who, in their own stage of

61

62 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

development, tease and try to stay in the limelight generally,
and by the passing remarks of teachers and others as they
see these budding romances in the making.

Being popular with one's own and the opposite sex begins
in high school and continues indefinitely. It probably is
more acutely sensed at the ages from fifteen to twenty-four
than later. The difficulty attached to being popular lies in
the fact that popularity is the result of one's behavior,
attitudes, standards, etc., and not always something one
goes out for, as one goes out to "make" the tennis or swim-
ming team. When most people try to be popular, it is a sign
of deeper seated needs for recognition, approval, and affec-
tion. These are usually not satisfied by the more superficial
position of gaining popularity, because the person, when put
in the spot light of so-called popularity, feels just as insecure
and wants just as much to get out of the situation as he did
previously. Ways of achieving a sense of security with our
peers or with older persons are by being interested in what
others do or say rather than by being too much concerned
about ourselves, being ready and willing to help in whatever
needs to be done, trying to see the good rather than that
which annoys us in another person's expressions or behavior,
realizing that we run others down only because we feel
inferior and need, in this way, to build ourselves up, and
utilizing all the simple ways of keeping ourselves clean and
attractive in manner and appearance. All of these things
can be done by the poor or the rich.

The personality problems, which many times keep us from
achieving satisfying social relationships, are less easily reme-
died than the external causes of our not belonging to, or
being accepted by, certain groups of our peers or not being
accepted by others as companions and friends. These char-
acteristics of timidity, fear, over-aggressiveness, negativism,
and so on, result from the kinds of friendliness patterns and
feelings we have acquired and practiced for years. The
serious personality problems which keep us from dating,
from dating in a particular group, or from other social rela-

, DATING AND COURTSHIP 63

tionships may need to be given help by an analysis of the
origin of these feelings and the use of sound, psychological
techniques for correcting them.

Dating and Courtship Problems

Dating and courtship, then, involve facing many kinds of
questions and decisions for which many of us have not been
adequately prepared, either at home or in school. The
decisions necessitate both a knowledge of facts and a set of
values or basic philosophy standards and ideals against
which to weigh decisions.

Questions of fact that arise can usually be easily answered.
For example, it is not difficult to tell the number of recorded
marriages for any single year, what babies usually weigh at
birth, or what are the effects of untreated venereal disease.

Questions involving value judgments, however, usually
require some knowledge of facts as well as a basic set of
standards in order to answer them for one's self. While there
may be indications that a positive or negative answer is best
from what social experience teaches, the individual must
often make his decision in terms of an acquired set of values
of his own. During the period of dating, courtship, and
engagement, many such questions arise which the individual
has to learn to decide for himself. We learn to make decisions
for ourselves by gradually being given responsibility and
allowed to make decisions for which we are expected to
accept responsibility. If we are older and have never had
to make them, it will be difficult, and we need both a strong
incentive and the help of a good friend or counselor. We
cannot go through life always leaning upon some external
authority to make our decisions for us. To be able to make
independent decisions in terms of one's own philosophy of
life is one criterion of maturity.

While we are at home, it is often more difficult to become
as mature and self-sufficient as when we leave home for
college, employment, or marriage, which take us into a self-
controlled environment. Our parents are interested in our

64 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

safety and welfare, and many times we acquire the Aabit of
leaning upon them for all of our decisions in matters which
we should have acquired the judgment and self-confidence
to decide. There has always been a difference of opinion
between the older and the younger generation on matters of
conduct, freedom of action, and one's relation to the author-
ity of the family in matters of everyday living. This conflict
of the generations is most marked in cases where parents so
restrict and dominate our development that, long after our
adolescent years, we are only able to meet life situations in
an infantile manner. This conflict is especially marked in
our culture, where there is so much emphasis on change.
We expect our parents to grow out of date and to be of no
further value to us, just as we do our car or a pair of shoes.
This is in marked contrast to the family system found among
the Chinese people.

What, then, are some 'of these needs and problems which
confront us as we reach the age of active dating, courting,
and becoming engaged? The actual age may vary. Some
young people may have had dozens of dates with dozens of
boys by the time they are eighteen, whereas others may
never have had a date. Regardless of the time the new set
of experiences begins, the same problems and feelings attend-
ant upon undertaking any new experience will be felt. The
problems which confront us at this time are those centering
around social etiquette and form, personal standards, social
and recreational needs, personality development, the growth
of the body, and family and home relationships.

We learn certain social forms in our family. We all,
however, must learn how to meet, associate with, and enjoy
our social relationships with the opposite sex or withdraw, as
many do, from all social contacts because they are afraid or
insecure and do not know how to act. The mastery of social
etiquette and proper form can be acquired, if we really want
to learn them, from our family experience, from observing
what others do, by asking friends, by reading good books and
articles on the subject, and by participating in social affairs.

DATING AND COURTSHIP

65

As far as dating and courting relationships go, questions of
what to wear, the proper things to do, whether to accept
gifts from a boy, what to do when you disapprove of the
conduct of the boy you are with, and many others, will have
to be decided on each occasion. When we are at home, these
matters are proper subject for discussion with our parents
and friends, and, when we are away from home, we then
must rely upon our own judgment and the advice of others
whose judgment we trust.

Personal standards of conduct are closely related to both
social form and our philosophy of life or values. On matters
of this kind we cannot always count upon facts alone to help
us answer the question. Almost everyone who has reached
college age has had to answer for himself such questions as
the following: Should a girl smoke and drink when she is
out with a boy? How can she change a boy's mind if he
wants to neck and she does not? How much intimacy is
considered proper and what, in general, is considered proper

66 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

conduct on a date as to places one goes, how late one stays
out, and what one does in the way of " petting "?

One of the chief purposes of dating and courting is to
become acquainted with several persons of the opposite sex
so as better ultimately to select a suitable marriage partner.
One learns most about the opposite sex by associating with
them and not from books or lectures. Lectures and discus-
sion may supplement and help us to clarify our philosophy
and attitudes toward and about our own, as well as the
other, sex.

One of the reasons why so many young men and women
of eighteen and over raise questions such as those previously
listed, is that in our society there are many taboos and
restrictions placed on the association of the sexes for several
years past the time of biological maturity. This means that,
where men and women usually postpone marriage until their
early to middle twenties, they may find themselves, during
long months of constant association, tempted to yield to the
biological nature of the human organism in spite of social
restrictions. We have to realize that we live in a society
where the rules set up and evolved out of years of experience
must, in general, be abided by. There are, of course, indi-
viduals who violate the mores, and who, on the surface,
seem to suffer little damage. With the kind of early home
training our society provides, reinforced by the social attitude
of the church, the community at large, and the law, it is
probably most desirable to respect and learn to live within
these conventions.

As to whether couples should "pet" or not, this is an
academic question. Everyone who grows up, becomes en-
gaged, and marries, has or does "pet." But it is necessary
to define what we mean by "petting" and the extent to
which "petting" goes. "Petting," "necking," "wolfing,"
and other such terms are heard among young people and
have various meanings. For our discussion let us ignore
these terms, as such, and talk about the degree to which
friendships, during the time of dating, courtship, and engage-

DATING AND COURTSHIP 67

ment, need to develop into more intimate feelings and
experiences for the welfare of the individual and the success
of his marriage.

Normal Dating Relationships

The most usual forms of expression among couples are
smiling, holding of the girl's arm by the boy, opening the car
door, and performing other simple acts of social etiquette.
A couple may hold hands and, as their casual friendship
deepens into a more substantial one, put their arms around
each other, kiss each other good night, and show similar
expressions of the sincerity of their friendship. By the time
a young person has entered college, he may have experienced
this much of deepening friendship with a member of the
opposite sex, while others may not. As one becomes definitely
older and enough interested in one person to become engaged
to him, physical contacts may become more frequent and
emotionally satisfying. The couple feel that they are in love,
and this is just one of many ways of expressing one's love
for another person. While it is true that a small proportion
of engaged couples may go so far as to consummate their
marriage before the ceremony, in general this is not true and
has many of the risks and disadvantages of promiscuous,
heavy "petting." Studies show that the couples who rate
the highest in marital happiness are those who, in general,
have been more conservative in their intimacies before
marriage.

Intimacies of Courtship

Intimacies during courtship and engagement may become
more difficult to avoid the longer marriage has to be post-
poned, because each person becomes emotionally more
closely identified and dependent upon the other, and because
their physical contacts may take up a major part of their
leisure time together in comparison to other forms of social
and recreational activities. We have to realize that the only
concern of our biological urge is to procreate and replenish

68 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

the species, whereas our social pattern emphasizes the desir-
ability of controlling these impulses until after marriage.

That at eighteen we are biologically ready to be so stim-
ulated and to produce children is common knowledge, but
satisfying the biological need for such premarital contacts
has never been advocated. The popularity which results
from engaging in socially disapproved relationships in order
to become popular is only temporary and does not prove to
be continuous and lasting. There seem to be many more
disadvantages than advantages, in our culture, in engaging
in too great intimacies during courtship. These disadvan-
tages are well known to everyone.

There is first of all the danger of pregnancy, which, if it
occurs, will necessitate marriage to someone who is not,
perhaps, the person one would wish to marry or having an
illegitimate child. Some may think of contraceptives or
abortions as an escape from possible pregnancy. The first
is no absolute guarantee against conception, and the latter
is dangerous and illegal when done under the conditions
necessitated by the above circumstances.

Possible infection from venereal diseases should not be
overlooked as a hazard. While gonorrhea may be largely
controlled by the use of certain kinds of contraceptives,
syphilis, the more serious of the two, may be contracted by
other means. They both are serious in their physical effect
and may contribute to anxiety, feelings of guilt, and more
complex emotional disturbances.

Risk of discovery is always a factor to be considered.
Because we are engaging in secret behavior, there cannot be
the same feeling of confidence and lack of fear comparable
to normal conditions. There almost always results, particu-
larly for the girl, a sense of guilt following these affairs,
which often results, also, in feelings of resentment toward
the boy and a fear that others may know of her misconduct
and general social unworthiness.

Such relations are not a preparation for marriage. Sex
experience is a creative expression of love between two

DATING AND COURTSHIP 69

individuals, and promiscuous relations before marriage, car-
ried on under the usual unsatisfactory conditions, do not
provide one with the same pattern which the security of
marriage offers. The man, more often than the girl, loses
interest and may look for new fields to conquer. The person
who seeks complete intimacy, usually the man, is thinking
mostly of his own satisfaction rather than the welfare of the
girl in the situation. Marriage is based upon each person's
being concerned with the other person's rights and his own
responsibilities rather than being concerned with his own
rights and the other person's responsibilities.

The human, basic need for biological fulfillment is
thwarted because childbearing cannot result with social
approval, and the physical release becomes more important
than the basic expression of love.

We often need to feel a sense of continued, affectional
security and response and mistake sex per se as giving us
just that. When we need to be loved and to have something
to love, sex expression may be one form of expressing that
love, but, without the basic qualities of deep affection, sex,
as the beginning point in friendship, can rarely lead to the
deeper attachments and sentiments.

Our personal standards must give us the basis for deciding
upon these as well as many other problems. We have to
consider both our personal satisfactions, desires, and needs
as an element on the one hand, and the social customs we
have to live with on the other hand.

Importance of Many Interests

If we find adequate outlets for our social and recreational
needs, we will have gone a long way in acquiring habits and
tastes which offer opportunity for dating and courtship
activities which are socially acceptable, personally satisfying,
and which reduce the time and emotional need for purely
physical contact and release. All kinds of sports, travel,
adventure, games, dancing, parties, etc., when actively par-
ticipated in, provide Us with fun and social opportunities

70 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

with others of our own interests and age. This does not
mean that personal and intimate feelings are to be repressed
or avoided. It only means that they are, according to
experience and the soundest knowledge available, best con-
trolled until after they can be engaged in wholeheartedly
with social approval, security, and a feeling of their being
right. Sex expression, engaged in on this basis, does not
leave a sense of personal frustration which usually results
when it is engaged in as a social style, a college prank, or
to aid war morale.

The Role of the Family in Courtship

The family is legally responsible for our support until we
are of age, and the community holds our parents responsible
for our conduct, protection, education, health, and morals.
These are some of the reafons for what seems to be parental
concern over many activities in our earlier dating relation-
ships. Some parents are overly cautious and strict, thus
causing us to " sneak" out on dates and engage in social
activities under conditions that are not desirable. Others are
so little concerned about where we go or what we do, that
trouble often arises. In most cases, parents are interested
and concerned; they want to help us, but their apparent
interference is more often due to ignorance of young people's
needs than a desire to be old-fashioned or mean. The remedy
for many of these problems is for us to talk over our point of
view with our parents and for our parents to discuss their
views with us. Often we complain that our parents use the
technique of forbidding us to do something without explain-
ing why they object to our activities. Some of the problems
in this area are indicated by the following questions: "If
parents do not understand and, therefore, disapprove of
some of the modern ideas, what can we do about it?"
"Should parents be told where we are going with our dates,
and who our companions have been?" "Should a mother
interfere with her daughter's private affairs, such as whom
she should and should not go out with?" "Should not a girl

DATING AND COURTSHIP 71

almost nineteen be allowed to have a little say about her
personal activities?" "Is it always a good idea for us to
confide in our parents tell them every thing? "

Our questions on the facts of life should be answered con-
tinuously from early childhood until we are married. This
is essentially a job for our parents. Where parents are them-
selves uninformed or shy, they should be given help by
parent education opportunities. Churches, youth organiza-
tions, settlement houses, libraries, and other organizations
in the community contribute to this fund of information for
young men and women. The school, of course, in its biology,
sociology, home economics, physical and health education
classes should make a great contribution. In view of the
observable differences between men and women which occur
at the same time, interest .ji^^^lg and courting are impor-
tant, and there is everywHfrio accept as normal our
interest in these physical changes. Questions about menstru-
ation, reproduction, th'e reproductive structure of the sexes,
and other similar questions should be expected, and we
should attempt to satisfy ourselves on these matters at home,
at school, or through other reliable sources.

The social purpose of dating and courtship is to allow for
a final choice of one person as a marriage partner, after
having sampled the field of available persons rather exten-
sively. This leads to engagement, which has a personal and
social function peculiar to itself.

CHAPTER V

MATE SELECTION

Dating is not done with any conscious motive, such as
marriage, in mind. Social and personal factors are pre-
dominant. A boy sees a girl, she appeals to him, he arranges
to get acquainted and then makes a date. It may be a
single date, or this one^^^^rneeting may ripen into
friendship, engagement, ^HHIi^^feony. Such is the for-
tuitous nature of selective mating^The conditioning factor
has largely been propinquity. O^lfe other hand, back of
this are factors often unconscious!^ operative in the mind
of the individual.

Process of Mate Selection

It should be remembered, however, that one is always
forced, if he makes a choice, to choose between his ideal,
the type of person he needs, and the type of person he is
likely to be able to get in the marriage market at the time.
This, of course, varies in different parts of the country and
at different times. The sex ratio of men to women may be
one of excess women to men in one area, and here men have
a wider choice, whereas women are thrown into keener
competition. Under these conditions, the man is more likely
to pick what he thinks is his ideal, and the girl may have to
sacrifice some points she has considered important in an
ideal mate, remain single, or seek elsewhere. If there is an
excess of men over women, the men are more likely to have
to take what the market offers, and the woman is more
likely to choose more nearly what she considers her ideal.

72

MATE SELECTION 73

On the other hand, a Protestant college girl of English
descent may go out to a small town or rural school to teach.
The majority of young men have only a high-school educa-
tion and are predominantly Irish. In such a case, she may
have to accept the attentions of a man of less education,
although not necessarily of less intelligence, of different
nationality and, possibly, religion from herself. She may be
thrown into conflict if she dates and finds a person who
seems to meet her needs emotionally but has radically
different religious background. It is out of these chance
associations of young men and women, at school, in social
life, and on the job, that arise many difficult decisions during
courtship and engagement.

Most men arrive at maturity expecting to marry and
seriously looking for a wife. This process of looking has
usually been preceded by a long period of observing, sam-
pling, and finally making a decision. While there are many
elements of chance involved, the process is not unlike buying
a suit or a dress. If one finds a wide assortment to choose
from, begins shopping early, and looks around a bit, one is
more likely than not to finish the shopping tour with a
garment of good quality, which was purchased within his
means, and which is attractive and suited to his physical
and personal qualities. But this last will only result if the
shopper has some knowledge of quality, costs, type, and style
suited to his own coloring and physique. In mate selecting,
likewise, the importance of having some knowledge of what
one wants and the qualities essential to good mating for one's
self is necessary. The man or woman who is out to marry
anything that is male or female is likely to get just that.
The same is true if the sole and primary motive is money,
social status, or sex satisfaction alone.

While acquaintance is determined in the first place by
race, neighborhood, family, social or economic status, school
or college, religion, etc., it is also determined by a man's
or woman's conscious effort to cultivate the right kind of
friendliness patterns with those of the opposite sex.

74 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

The process, therefore, by which we arrive at the choice
of a mate is somewhat like this. Because we belong to a
particular race, nationality, family, religious group, or live
in a particular community and go to a particular school, we
are likely to meet certain people who become first our casual
associates, then our friends, and one of these friendships may
lead to engagement and marriage. Throughout the years,
while we are in the early stage of going with members of the
opposite sex, we tend to try out a succession of individuals,
thus becoming better acquainted with several members of
the opposite sex. Thus, also, we acquire a certain degree of
confidence in ourselves as we mature in our ability to meet
with and carry on more sustained dating relationships.
These first affairs tend to develop along the line of group
dating and double-dating.

As the mating process continues, we may experiment with
individual dating and allow ourselves to go " steady 1 ' at an
age considerably younger than we might contemplate the
possibility of marriage. Throughout this entire period we
continuously experiment with ways of getting and holding
the interest of the other person. We are apt to be quite
insecure and are not, as yet, either interested in, or willing
to reveal too deeply, our own emotional feelings. This is
followed by a gradual unfolding of ourselves to the other
person to a limited extent, always allowing ourselves the
opportunity for retreat, if necessary, and we spend our time
in small talk and often belie our real motives by pretending
to be a man or woman hater, with no intention of ever
marrying. We are likely, at this stage, to engage in casual
intimacies which involve, perhaps, no more than holding
hands, kissing, or what might be termed very light "neck-
ing." After having gone through these stages of development
in our relationship with one of the opposite sex, we gradually
acquire enough experience and contact with others to have
arrived perhaps at the point where we can accept, as well as
give, a greater degree of intimacy and sympathetic under-
standing, and the emotional ties between ourselves and

MATE SELECTION 75

another individual may become closer and more deeply
established.

When we finally meet someone who satisfies, in most
respects, our social criteria of race, religion, social status,
and so on, and who seems to satisfy our emotional needs,
we then begin to reveal ourselves little by little in terms of
our inner thoughts, feelings, desires, and ambitions. At
first we are very careful not to reveal our basic needs while
exploring each other's mutual interests, partly because we
are not aware of the fact that there is a growing inter-
dependence between ourselves and another person which is
the result of the fulfilling, by each, of certain deep-seated
needs that we may have. In the later stages of the process
of selecting a mate, a mature and wholesome love affair may
develop which reveals both the deepest feelings of mutual
need and frank and sympathetic understanding of the needs
of each other. There may result a tremendous increase in
our social activities, in our occupational effectiveness, and
in our physical health and vigor, due to the added motivation
which results from having achieved a common incentive that
grows out of engagement that looks forward to marriage.
In this final consummation of friendship into a mature
engagement and potential marriage, each has arrived at the
point where he has less anxiety concerning himself and has
acquired a predominant loyalty and paramount interest in
the other person which, in each case, is reflected by those
attitudes and sentiments we call appreciation, tolerance,
and sympathetic understanding. We have now arrived, in
the process of assortive mating, at a state of emotional
readiness for those responsibilities which marriage entails.

Family Relationships That Affect Mating

In the preceding pages an attempt has been made to
present some of the processes involved in the beginnings of
mate selection and its development from these initial begin-
nings into a successful engagement and potential marriage.
After studying several hundred young married couples, two

76 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

professors at the University of Chicago (5) developed the
first scientific attempt at the determination of those factors
which were basic to predicting possible success or failure in
marriage. It is significant that their findings reveal factors
which are almost entirely associated with our develop-
mental relationships in out own family. The first nine of
the ten factors listed as being significant were, whether the
individuals contemplating marriage came from homes in
which their parents were happily married; was each indi-
vidual happy as a child in his own home relationships; was
he in conflict or in accord with his mother; did each have a
reasonably strong attachment for both mother and father;
to what extent was there much conflict between the father
in the family and each individual; to what extent was each
person's home discipline firm but not severe and harsh; to
what extent were each individual's parents frank on matters
of sex; to what extent was each person punished infrequently
and mildly; and, finally, what were the attitudes toward sex
before marriage and, especially, were those attitudes free
from disgust and aversion.

All of these factors, which were found to be important
in predicting success or failure in the marriage of any couple,
are intimately related to our very earliest relationships to
both our mother and father. They indicate the degree to
which we have found stable security in our family relation-
ships and the kind of adjustment we have learned to make
to authority. These two attitudes of individuals, that is,
toward security and authority, are fundamentally basic to
one's adjustment in any close or intimate relationship with
another individual.

The last set of items under point ten which seemed to
have greatly contributed to predictable success or failure
had to do with the extent to which the individual was a
socialized person, particularly the extent to which he was
given good education, had a reasonable contact and par-
ticipation experience in relationship activities and social
organizations, had a variety of friends of both sexes, and had

MATE SELECTION 77

acquired respect for the social rules and conventions of our
culture. While these are not primarily relationships that
involve only one's family, they are, to a large extent, rela-
tionships and developmental experiences for which the family
is largely responsible. These might be said to contribute to
our general attitude toward facing reality, that is, the
experiences of the outside world. In so far as our develop-
mental family life contributed to our ability to meet these
beneficial situations, as well as others which might be called
less socially acceptable than beneficial to the individual, we
can assume that the large responsibility for our adjustment
in these areas is also primarily related to our family.

Some of the characteristics of unhappily married women
showed evidence of emotional tenseness, deep-seated feelings
of inferiority often accompanied by aggressive attitudes
rather than timidity, an inclination to be irritable and
dictatorial, a tendency to be aggressive in business and over-
anxious in social life, to be more concerned about being
important than being liked, and a tendency to be ego-centric
and little interested in benevolent and welfare activities
except as these offered opportunities for personal recognition.
They were impatient and fitful workers, disliked cautious and
methodical people and the type of work that requires pains-
taking effort. In politics, religion, and social ethics they
were often more radical than the happily married group.

Husbands of marriages which were the least happy tended
to be moody and somewhat neurotic, were prone to feelings
of social inferiority for which they often compensated with
domineering attitudes, particularly when they were in posi-
tions of superiority, often compensated for their feelings of
inferiority by withdrawal into daydreams and phantasies in
which they pictured themselves in supreme command of
every situation, seemed to be more sporadic in their work
habits and more often than not expressed irreligious attitudes
and were more inclined to a radical attitude toward sex
morals and politics. These unhappily married men and
women had acquired characteristics of hostility and other

78 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

destructive tendencies largely as a result of their training
from infancy to maturity.

On the other hand, let us contrast some of the character-
istics of the men and women who came from the more
happily married portion of this important research study.
The women, as a group, were characterized by kindly
attitudes toward others, did not easily take offense and were
not unduly concerned about the opinions of others toward
them, did not look upon social relationships as rivalry
situations, were cooperative, did not object to subordinate
roles, were not annoyed by advice from others, enjoyed
activities that brought educational or pleasurable oppor-
tunities to other people and liked to do things for the
dependent and underprivileged, were methodical and pains-
taking in their work, careful in regard to money, expressed
attitudes which implied self-assurance and an optimistic
outlook* on life, and tended to be conservative and con-
ventional in religion, morals and politics.

In comparison with the unhappily married men the happy
group tended to show superior initiative, a tendency to take
responsibility, and a willingness to give close attention to
detail in their daily work. They were more thrifty in their
financial affairs and conservative in their attitudes toward
religion, sex morals, and other social conventions. Their
most characteristic reaction to others was that of coopera-
tion, which was reflected in their relationship to their
business superiors with whom they worked well and in their
attitude toward women, which reflected an equalitarian
standard. They tended to have a benevolent attitude toward
inferiors and the underprivileged and to be unselfish and
unselfconscious in their approach to their associates.

This evidence all seems to indicate an important correla-
tion between the early development of physical, social, and
emotional maturity and one's success in dating, mating, and
adjustment in marriage. In reading over lists of character-
istics, however, such as those mentioned above, one needs to
be careful not to identify too much with individual items.

MATE SELECTION 79

It is the total composite pattern of behavior which char-
acterizes a person that is important and not single traits,
because one may have a sense of inferiority or any other of
the single characteristics given for the unhappy group and
still be predominantly a type of person whose chances of
success might be very high because success in human rela-
tionships, particularly marriage, is not only a matter of
individual characteristics but also the kind of person one
marries and the characteristics which that person possesses.
In other words, it is important that this paired relationship
of two personalities be kept in mind, because to the extent
that each individual supplements and reinforces the other
and, in the long run, is able to satisfy the basic needs of the
other person, to that extent will his relationship tend to be
a successful and lasting one.

s

Subjective Aspects of Mate Selection

A good many writers have asked students to list those
qualities which they would expect in a person whom they
might wish to marry. These kinds of subjective lists are only
indicative in general of the ideal character which individuals
think they would like a person whom they might marry to
have. They are only valuable in so far as they stimulate our
thinking in terms of those things which are important both
for us and the other person. One such list, for example,
compiled by the writer, asked 162 boys, sixteen to twenty-
four years of age, three questions : ' ' If you marry what are
the things your prospective wife has a right to expect of
you?" "What are the things you feel you have a right to
expect of her?" "What are some of the factors which you
think are important to both of you in terms of compatibility
and the establishment of happy relationships?" In answer
to the first question, this group, as well as others who had
been asked similar questions, felt that a wife should first of
all have a right to expect her husband to be interested in her
affairs and problems, to be affectionate, to provide a con-
venient home and adequate income, to participate in family

80 MARRIAGE: AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

life, allow time for pleasure and social life together, be
morally upright, share in planning of economical expendi-
tures, and cooperate in the activities of home and com-
munity life. These factors are, of course, all important in
carrying on any permanent relationship with another person
and are qualities which might be important to consider as
far as attitudes and general characteristics are concerned
during the period of getting acquainted prior to engagement
and marriage.

\ s When 226 young women, sixteen to twenty-four years of
age in this group, as well as others who have been asked the
same question, considered what a prospective husband had
a right to expect of them, their answers were almost the same
as those given by the young men. They all indicated such
items as being a good homemaker, an economical manager,
being neat and attractive in appearance, cooperative, affec-
tionate, interested in their husbands' businesses and activ-
ities, and having some knowledge of responsibility of mother-
hood, including child care and training.

Any one of these subjective feelings or qualities which we
desire in an individual whom we might marry could be the
basis of a great deal of conflict depending upon how much
importance an individual placed upon it. On the other hand,
there are perhaps more examples than not of individuals
saying, before marriage, that there were certain things which
they would always insist upon in the person whom they
married, and yet, in nine cases out of ten, they do not find
an individual who can do the things they consider important
beforehand. The subjective qualities which are important
are those which are more basically related to fundamental
ideals and needs which we have, rather than those which
imply specific knowledge or skills, such as being a good
dancer, being a good cook, or other, similar specific things.
While many of these attributes might contribute to the
pleasure of any two individuals who married, they are
certainly not in and of themselves basic to success or failure
in marriage.

MATE SELECTION 81

The most important aspect of subjective goals with refer-
ence to success or failure in one's marriage is the extent to
which there is agreement and understanding of what each
person expects from the marriage and expects the other
person to contribute to the marriage. While it is not always
possible to state just what it is we want our marriage to be,
it is possible to discover, without too great an effort, those
goals which we are seeking to satisfy through marriage and
which may greatly differ among individuals. It is this
discrepancy between the desires which two individuals are
attempting to satisfy through marriage that is often the
basis for initial and continuous conflict which leads not only
to unhappiness but too often to separation and divorce.
There are two things which it might be desirable for every
young person to know as he contemplates marriage, and
those are, first, what motives in his life does he expect mar-
riage to satisfy, and what motives in the life of the person he
is to marry is that person expecting marriage to satisfy ; and,
second, to what extent are these expectancies compatible,
and to what extent are they incompatible.

Contrasting Factors Related to Mate Selection

Let us now look at another approach to the matter of
mate selection and particularly those factors which seem to
be an important basis for successful mating. Of all of the
factors which might be considered important, such as age,
age difference, religion, education, economic status, nation-
ality, emotional stability, occupation, and so on, none can
be considered in and of itself to be the determining one as a
basis upon which to make a choice of someone to marry.
On the other hand, a single factor may be important enough
for one person, but not for another, to be considered the
basis for breaking off an engagement and not marrying a
particular person.

The really significant thing is, therefore, the value one
places upon any single factor. One person may have come
to feel that for a college woman to marry a noncollege man

82

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

would be exceedingly bad, whereas neither of them might
object to marrying into a different nationality group from
his own.

Let us look, therefore, at some of these factors in more
detail and see how much weight they should be given.

Age for Marriage

While we do not have enough studies to indicate con-
clusively at what age individuals might most successfully

marry, we can draw the general
conclusion that maturity is
essential for a wise marriage
choice.

When couples contemplatemar-
riage at ages considerably younger
than the general average found in
these studies, particularly if
they are in their teens, they should
consider the following questions,
namely: Are they physically,
intellectually, socially, and emo-
tionally mature and grown up
enough to understand and assume the responsibility which
marriage entails; are they sure that theirs is not just another
of those transitory, adolescent "crushes" which occur be-
tween fourteen and eighteen years of age; is their attraction
largely based upon physical factors, including sex appeal,
rather than other important elements; are they economically
able and ready to be self-sufficient in raising and supporting
a family; to what extent will their choice of a marriage
partner under the age of twenty possibly forestall a better
choice later; to what extent are they ready to settle down
with the companionship of one person ?

Marriages consummated too young are likely to interfere
with education and vocational preparation. For students in
college there are the problems of completing their formal
education, possible pregnancy, the question of economic

MATE SELECTION 83

support, of being separated if attending different schools,
the girl's ability to help her husband by working and, at the
same time, being a wife and companion, which he will expect,
and running into parental and college administrative objec-
tions. The advantages are, of course, those of being together
at all times, the security of marriage, and joint planning and
working for future goals. It may mean, in some cases, the
loss of the one person one loves most if the engagement is
allowed to drag along for years. There is little doubt that
couples of eighteen or nineteen years of age are biologically
ready to mate, but biological mating and marriage are two
quite different things.

Age Difference

The matter of age difference comes in for a great deal of
consideration. A young college man of twenty-one asks if
he should become engaged to a young woman of twenty-six.
Ordinarily, in our society, the man is from two to four years
older than the girl he marries. Many couples marry where
the ages are equal, and others are happily married where the
wife is two or three years older than the husband. The basic
consideration is that of determining the reasons for marriage
where there is a wide discrepancy from the norm. In terms
of what each person supplies the other emotionally and
otherwise, this reversal of age may be a satisfactory one. On
the other hand, the very needs which this kind of union seems
to satisfy may be the cause, later, for unhappiness. Although
married women live longer than married men, a man of fifty
may be much more attracted to a wife in her middle forties
than to one fifty-five or over, whereas the wife of forty may
prefer, as she gets older, a husband more mature and older
than she did at twenty-five, and especially so if she has had
children to mother. The factors of need, which make persons
of these ages attractive to each other, are more important
to consider than the fact of numerical age itself. Probably
age difference acts as a selective factor, that is, only a par-
ticular type of woman, either one with maternal interests or

84 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

a dominating woman, is generally liable to marry a man
younger than herself. The younger man, in turn, may have
needs which this type of woman's personality may supply.
The woman who marries an older man may do so in order to
secure a surrogate type of person to her father. There are no
grounds, however, for thinking that such marriages would
bring happiness to men and women in general.

Length of Acquaintance and Engagement

Over-night and week-end marriages, which are consum-
mated on the spur of the moment, almost invariably end in
unhappiness or divorce. It seems only good, common sense,
and research bears this out, that where people have known
each other for several years and have been engaged from a
year to eighteen months, they have a better outlook for a
successful marriage. They have had a chance to know each
other under a wide variety of circumstances and to have
learned each other's personal habits, personality character-
istics, ambitions, and philosophies of life. This item is
important because it indicates opportunity for acquaintance
to be tested and either ripen into engagement or give way
to other possibilities.

There seems to be a point at which increasing length of
engagement may reduce the probability of good adjustment,
but data are not sufficient as yet on this point. We know
that, in general, the proportion of couples with poor adjust-
ment declines from 50 per cent, where they have been
engaged under three months, to 18 per cent where the
engagement has lasted somewhere from nine to twenty-
three months. It then tends to increase slightly where the
engagement extends beyond a period of twenty-three months.

Education and Mate Selection

Most of the studies on this factor are over-weighted with
case histories of college graduates and professional people.
There is considerable conflict in opinion among experts as
to what effect higher education has upon success in marriage.

MATE SELECTION 85

Burgess and Cottrell (6) found increased success in marriage
with the rising level in education. Terman (7) found no
consistent relation between happiness and the amount of
schooling. Popenoe (8), as the result of his studies, seems to
feel that college education, particularly for women, may
have a very definite negative influence upon their ability to
make a good adjustment in marriage.

Higher education seems to have a greater effect upon the
percentage of women who marry than men. It seems to
result, in some instances, in setting up a competitive rela-
tionship in the mind of the person between the status value
of a career and fulfilling the marital ambition. The highly
trained woman often has higher standards as to the type of
man she would marry and the social and economic conditions
under which she would accept a proposal of marriage, and
she thus narrows her field of choice. There is some evidence
which seems to indicate a lower rate of family disorganization
among educated classes than among uneducated classes. It
is difficult, however, to associate these facts with the single
item of education alone, because whether one has an educa-
tion or not, there may be many differences in cultural
standards and behavior which are more important in pro-
ducing family disorganization than the factor of schooling
alone.

Marriages among home economics graduates seem to have
an exceedingly high degree of compatibility and permanence,
if judged by the small percentage of. them who are divorced.
While knowledge of this science may, and no doubt does,
make a significant contribution, it is also a selective factor
in that perhaps many young women choose this field because
they already have certain well formed attitudes and ideals
with reference to marriage and family life.

Actual differences in schooling seem to be less important
as a selective factor to men than to women. The college-
trained woman tends to marry a man from the same social
and economic background as her own. Those who attend
coeducational schools seem to marry men whose economic

86 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

income is lower than do those who attend women's colleges.
In the latter case, there seems to be a tendency for them to
many men in business who come from their own higher
economic class, although they may not be equal in formal
schooling.

The meaning of a college degree may be such that one
person or the other is constantly striving to achieve it to be
the equal of the partner. It may be born of so strong a
feeling of inadequacy as to cause serious conflict in a family.
How one feels about a particular item, the value he places
upon it, is often more important than the fact itself.

Educational difference is less important than differences
in intelligence and general culture, which, in the first instance,
is not given one in college and, in the second case, may not
necessarily be dependent upon higher education but rather
upon family background and the social strata in which one
is reared.

A good example of this is the case of a young woman who,
a few years ago, came seeking advice as to whether or not she
should marry a young man who was not a college graduate.
She herself had graduated from a midwestern university and
had, for two years, been working in a professional job in a
large city. She had met this young man, and her story was
that he met in every way the personal, social, and cultural
standards of all her friends who were college graduates, and
she could see no reason why she should not marry him. He
had a business of his own and was doing well financially.
The only difficulty in her mind was the fact that her mother
objected to the marriage on the grounds that he was not a
university graduate. In this young woman's family the
mother was a university graduate, whereas the father was
not. To the mother it was tremendously important that the
daughter marry a man with a college education. The young
woman insisted to her that this fact was of little importance.
Howevei, in the course of the discussion, she revealed that
her emotional feelings about the situation were different than
her intellectual statements when she proceeded to point out

MATE SELECTION 87

to the interviewer that she had been able to encourage her
fiance to go to night school and finish the last year of high-
school work, and that she was sure that after they married
she would be able to encourage his night-school work until
he had obtained a college degree. This is only one of many
instances which might be cited to show the value which she
actually placed upon this single factor of having a college
education. This illustrates the difficulties of placing an equal
amount of weight on any single factor because of the varying
degrees of importance which different individuals place upon
any particular item.

Economic Status

People usually marry in, or near, their socioeconomic class.
The matter of one's financial obligations, economic respon-
sibility for others after marriage, pattern of money handling
in one's family background, plans for the distribution of
one's income, and stability of one's position and its future
possibilities are important considerations.

Debts incurred prior to marriage often hamper immediate
marriage, particularly on the part of women. Unless these
financial obligations are unusually large they would seem to
offer no serious barrier to engagement or immediate marriage
but should be understood and recognized in the marriage
plans. More often a young man or woman feels that he
cannot marry because he thinks a parent is dependent upon
him. It means the parent is holding on to a child emo-
tionally, and the child, even though a grown young man or
woman, is too emotionally dependent upon the parent to
break away, financial responsibility often being a minor
problem. Perhaps more important in the marriage are the
ideas which each person has about money, how it should
be utilized, who should handle it, and the degree of stability
of the income. After marriage, it is over these details that
most conflict arises. The actual amount of income seems to
be of little significance as far as good mating and successful
marriage is concerned.

88 MARRIAGE AND /AMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Nationality and Religious Differences

Nationality and race differences are significant because
they represent different backgrounds of custom, cultural
attitudes, and feelings about so many things of everyday
living. In general, within the range of similar cultural ideals,
there is no problem involved in selecting a mate of differ-
ent nationality background. For example, citizens of the
English-speaking countries marry freely among themselves
even though of different nationality, and, within limits,
intermarry with French, German, Scandinavian, and other
similar racial and nationality groups. When one contem-
plates marriage where the nationality or racial differences
are more extreme from one's own cultural background, as,
for example, Jewish-Gentile marriages, Chinese-English,
or Negro- White, then one must be a much more mature, self-
sufficient, adaptable person. The wider the range of differ-
ences between two individual cultural and religious back-
grounds, the better persons it requires to make a success of
a marriage. By being a better person is meant one who has
greater insight, is more mature, tolerant, and understanding.
In general, for most people, these wide differences which
involve fundamental, cultural patterns and philosophy of
life should be avoided.

Where Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Christian Science, or
other radically different religious sentiments exist, the
couple should think through the adjustments to be made if
such an engagement is to be allowed to mature into matri-
mony. In general, it is better for Catholics to marry Cath-
olics, conservative Protestants to marry conservative
Protestants, and members of unusual cults to marry within
their own cults. The reason for this is that deep-seated
religious convictions are not easily altered, and, even though
we may rationalize to the point of feeling that they may not
be important for us, we can rest assured that, in general,
they will show up in many ways after marriage. It is not
uncommon for young people to find themselves thrown into
a social group where close ties of friendship develop, and,

MATE SELECTION 89

before one realizes it, he is " hopelessly" in love with a
person whose religious or racial background is radically
different from his own. Then comes the agony of trying to
decide what to do. More often than not, there is parental
objection to such a marriage, and it does not receive the
sanction of either church or racial group. One may defy
one's family, leave one's church, and disregard racial differ-
ences, but experiences indicate that marriages tend to be
happier, on the whole, where they have parental approval,
where there is at least some conventional form of religious
marriage ceremony.

Let us take as an illustration a young couple of Catholic-
Protestant background who contemplate marriage. There
can be little objection to such a marriage if one or the other
of the couple wishes to become affiliated with the religious
faith of the other, provided that this change of religious
affiliation is a conviction of the faith, not an act of the
hysteria of love. If this is not the case, however, it should
be understood that a Catholic, marrying a Protestant, must
live up to certain regulations of his church or the marriage
cannot be accepted as a valid one by the church. It is neces-
sary that they both agree not to attempt to persuade the
marriage partner to leave his particular church; the non-
Catholic must agree to allow the children to be raised as
Catholics and not to resort to any means whatsoever which
would interfere with the normal process of childbearing.
These general rules must be accepted by both individuals
and lived up to honestly if subsequent conflict over them
is not to arise.

What little research evidence we have on this matter of
religious background seems to show that husbands and
wives who have never attended Sunday school, or who
stopped going after the age of ten, show a markedly lower
proportion of highly successful marriages. Those who con-
tinued their religious affiliation and activity until the age of
nineteen to twenty-five, or older, seem to have had a better
chance for marital happiness than other groups.

90 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

With reference to nationality differences, which may or
may not involve religious differences, we need to recognize
the fact that, as a result of having grown up in that particular
cultural environment, we have many ingrained habits and
attitudes which, during the period of courtship and engage-
ment, may not be particularly significant, but which, unless
understood and accepted, may lead to difficulty later. These
differences will become intensified with the coming of post-
war global contacts. These cultural differences do not need
to be necessarily as wide apart as a Chinese- American mar-
riage might be in order to cause difficulty. There are often
great enough differences in the cultural backgrounds of
' individuals who are reared in New England and Alabama,
or New Jersey and Nebraska, to create many problems of
adjustment growing out of these differences in basic attitudes
and feelings about how life should be lived to wreck what,
otherwise, might be a successful marriage had the couple
really analyzed and thought through some of these important
factors prior to marriage.

It is desirable, however, that every couple have some basic
religious philosophy, the practice of which they can agree
upon. The important thing is acceptance of each other's
philosophy, and, if possible, the practice of that philosophy
in a common way of life.

Physical Vigor

Although we have little actual research evidence on this
point, it seems from what data are available that the health
of the husband has more to do with good adjustment than
the health of the wife. This may be due to the fact that poor
health on the part of the husband would be an economic
handicap, whereas, if the wife were in poor health, it might
enhance the already existing ties of affection. Prom observa-
tion and some clinical experience, however, it would seem
that more importance should be given to the matter of
physical health and vigor than has been done in the past.
We know from observation of families that anything which

MATE SELECTION 91

lowers the resistance of an individual tends to increase the
possibility of irritability and conflict and places an added
burden upon the marriage partner, that is, an added burden
in terms of meeting the additional strain attendant upon the
other person's chronic irritability and near illness.

Occupation

The relationship of one's occupation to success or failure
indicates that where there is a minimum of mobility and
where a minimum of separation of husband and wife for
either constant, intermittent periods or continuous periods
of time is involved, there is the highest tendency toward
happiness. Such occupations as the ministry and teaching
are examples of this type. The occupations which seem to
have the lowest rating for happiness are those of unskilled
labor and traveling salesmen, both of these having a high
degree of mobility and the absence of social control over
conduct. We know from many sources the tendency to a
higher degree to family disorganization among the artistic
profession as contrasted with the more stabilized pursuits
of engineering, medicine, banking, etc. These differences
are perhaps due more to personality factors than to factors
of mobility.

Income and Savings

In selecting someone to marry, the sheer amount of
financial savings before marriage is not a satisfactory indica-
tion of economic security but only of the fact that the
husband has saved something. As to the amount of income
one should have at the time of marriage, a moderate income
gives a higher chance of success than either an unusually low
one or an exceptionally high one. The training and ability
of the persons who marry, the possible future for advance-
ment in their particular field, would seem to be more impor-
tant elements than actual income itself.

Gainful Employment After Marriage

The question often arises as to whether or not a wife should
continue to work at some form of gainful employment after

92 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

marriage. The factor that seems to be important here is the
wife's attitude rather than the fact that she works or does
not. The best adjustments seem to be made where both
the husband and wife desire this type of arrangement, or
where they both do not desire it. As far as future
success or failure in marriage is concerned, one can only say
that it takes a more capable person, unless the income is
sufficiently large to provide adequate household help, to
manage two full time careers as well as a household and the
rearing of children. There is little evidence to show that
where a couple plan and desire a home and family, as well
as the continuance of their professional interests, their
family life and rearing of their children may not be equally
as satisfactory as that of homes in which the wife devotes her
entire time to homemaking responsibilities. It depends
largely upon the persons involved rather than upon the cold
fact of whether they do or do not work outside the home.

Summary

After considering the many and varied factors which
enter into mate selection, we see that it is difficult to arrive
at any conclusion as to which ones are the basic and most
important, while, as we have said, any one of them may
have so much emotional significance for a particular person
that it may become the cause of serious conflict after mar-
riage. In general, the following, from all points of view,
seem to have the highest degree of significance: having, at
the outset and as a result of one's training and experience,
basic personality characteristics which we have previously
indicated to be socially and emotionally mature; one's living
in a home which fostered consistent training; a sense of
affectional security; engendered love and respect between
ourselves and our parents by allowing for growth and inde-
pendence and frankness in consideration of all questions,
including sex, during our development from infancy through
adolescence; having lived in a home which fostered social
development, education, religious attitudes, participation in

MATE SELECTION 93

the social activities of the neighborhood, encouraged our
normal heterosexual development and had respect for con-
formity to social conventions; having acquired good physical
and mental health and the practice of good health habits;
and having acquired a socially constructive philosophy of
life.

CHAFFER VI

LOOKING FORWARD TO MARRIAGE

Engagement

Engagement serves two purposes. One, and perhaps the
most important, is the opportunity it gives the couple to
feel free to discuss the many questions which marriage entails.
It is not that these cannot and are not discussed during
courtship, but that when a couple reach the stage of becom-
ing engaged, they are emotionally ready to consider the more
serious problems and opportunities confronting them, if and
when they marry. Second, their relationship has social
sanction, and their community accepts their more intimate
and constant association. An engagement extending over a
period of from a year to three years has a greater chance of
future marital happiness than one which exists only a few
days or weeks. During this longer period, it is possible for
the persons to actually know each other better, to become
better acquainted with each other's family, to discuss the
ideals each has in mind for his marriage, when to marry and
the kind of ceremony they want, how to have what they want
on the man's income, the question of the wife's working, the
question of children, a discussion of the type of place they
wish to live in, what their plans are to be if the husband
is in the armed forces, arrangement for premarital physi-
cal examination, self-education on matters of housekeeping,
finance, sex, etc., on which they may need help. Many other
questions, such as those arising from radically different
religions, should be carefully and intelligently discussed.
If these discussions do not result in a workable agreement,

94

LOOKING FORWARD TO MARRIAGE 95

the engagement should be broken. A broken engagement is
better than an unhappy or a broken marriage.

Questions of personal confessions or confidential family or
personal secrets often arise and are perplexing problems.
Each person wants to be honest with the other and yet often
fears the other may misunderstand and thus break the en-
gagement if they are told certain things which have occurred
in one's past life. In general, it is perhaps wise to consult a
marriage counselor and discuss such worries as you may have.
The very act of discussing them with an expert may relieve
your sense of guilt about them, or he may be able to suggest
how you might best proceed. If a counselor is not available,
face the reality of the situation and discuss it. If real love
exists, it will be accepted, and a sane adjustment made.
In general, girls seem to be able to accept past indiscretions
on the part of their fiances better than boys are able to
accept similar actions on the part of their fiances. Honesty
is always the best policy, and if the sense of guilt is very
great or the situation is likely to recur, then it should by all
means be discussed beforehand, even at the risk of breaking
the engagement.

Breaking and accepting a broken engagement is never an
easy matter. Couples often let an engagement drag on for
years, to the detriment of each party, because neither wants
to say the final word that will sever the relationship. Some-
times this is because each says he hates to hurt the other
person when, in reality, it is because he cannot stand to hurt
himself. In other cases, each would break the engagement
if he could maneuver the other person into the position of
taking the decisive step, thereby relieving himself of the
responsibility. In such cases, the person would then feel
that he could project the blame on the other party, thus
protecting his own ego from injury.

A good rule to follow is this: when in doubt about mar-
riage, even though you have been engaged for several years,
wait or try out someone else. It may be that your relation-
ship is not basically a mature enough one to insure a happy

96 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

marriage for you. Engagements should be broken if either
person is not sure, if he has definitely changed his feelings
about the other person, if there is doubt as to the wisdom of
carrying out the promise to marry, or if the engagement has
been brought about by pressure on the part of relatives or
others.

A proposal of marriage is a serious matter. It is a legal
contract, and one should not impose his company upon

another for an undue length of time
unless one has serious intentions of
matrimony. It is especially not fair
to the girl, who is, by the man's
monopoly of her time, taken out
f circulation, so to speak, and
whose chances of another marriage
may thus be impaired.

Wedding Arrangements

One of the first considerations in
getting married is to acquaint one's
self with the legal requirements
for matrimony in the particular
state where the marriage is to take
place. Since these requirements
vary from state to state, one should

consult the county clerk's office in the county of residence
and find out what the general procedure is. Some young
couples are in such great haste to marry that they elope or
are secretly wed. Such plans are extremely unwise. There
are no good reasons for elopement or secrecy which do not
have to be faced and dealt with at some near future date.
It would seem better to face the problem and settle it before
marriage than to evade it until later. Marriages executed on
this basis tend to have less permanence and happiness than
those which have parental approval and follow the forms
approved by the church and state. The church and state
have a stake in your marriage, whether you like it or not.

LOOKING FORWARD TO MARRIAGE 97

Organized society created the institution of marriage to care
more systematically for children, protect them and insure
their legitimacy, to regulate sex conduct in the interest of
health and morals, the inheritance of property, and to
protect many innocent parties from exploitation.

Marriages performed by a justice of the peace are legiti-
mate. The majority of brides and grooms usually prefer a
home or church wedding. There are advantages to this
type of marriage over the more casual forms. A marriage is
entered into for a lifetime. The actual occasion of one's
marriage should be something upon which one can look back
as a happy and joyous event, performed in the presence
of one's family and dearest friends. Studies show that, in
general, marriages of this type last the longest and are the
happiest.

Plans for the actual arrangements are usually assumed by
the bride and her family. They arrange for the invitations,
the minister, and provide the usual things which go to make
the wedding a memorable one. The date of the wedding is
usually set by the bride in order to avoid the time of her
menstrual period. About the only things the groom must
attend to are the license, the ring, and the bride's bouquet.
The size and pretentiousness of the wedding will depend
upon the taste and wealth of the families involved.

The Premarital Physical Examination

In most states the law requires that a blood test be made
to determine the individual's freedom from syphilis. This
procedure is often refer&d to as a premarital examination.
A truly valuable and complete premarital examination
should include much more than this. Both the young man
and young woman should have a complete physical examina-
tion given by a physician trained to do premarital examina-
tions. For both men and women, a blood test should be
made whether required by state law or not, and vaginal and
urethral smears made to check on latent gonorrhea infection.
This type of physical examination provides the individual

98 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

with a good check on his general health and the basis for the
correction of minor defects before marriage. It also gives
the physician or marriage counselor data concerning the
eugenic background of the couple.

The premarital physical examination should be accom-
panied by an opportunity for consultation with the doctor
or counselor on matters of a personal nature.

The Premarital Interview

The majority of young men and women have questions
they wish to discuss and often anxieties about previous
experiences which they think may affect their marital adjust-
ment. The premarital interview with a physician or other
counselor is to determine and help you with your educa-
tional needs.

The most frequent questions which others have asked
during these interviews include such matters as:

1. A knowledge of the anatomy and physiology of male
and female, including the process of reproduction.
Most young people of college age know very little of the
process of reproduction or the structure of their internal
and external reproductive organs.

2. Fears and inhibitions associated with sex due to their
early training and lack of education.

3. Remembrance of experiences or shock from early child-
hood which may still be the cause of anxiety or fear.

4. The effects upon marital adjustment of previous mas-
turbation, prolonged contineifce, or previous sex ex-
periences.

5. Fears which center around pregnancy and childbearing.

6. Methods of child spacing.

7. An understanding of proper ways of initiating and
conducting one's sex life to insure success and enjoy-
ment for each person. This question usually concerns
what to do at the outset, what procedure and methods
are best, the tightness of various forms of sex practice

LOOKING FORWARD TO MARRIAGE 99

involving frankness as to time, posture, contacts and
methods, frequency, desirable preliminaries, things to
be avoided, how to know when each person is satisfied,
and dozens of other similar questions.

8. A clarification of many things which may have been
heard or read that are in the realm of folklore and have
no legitimate basis in fact.

9. Less frequently, but occasionally, questions arise
about "crushes" on one of the same sex, frigidity,
ovulation, impotence, sterility, and so on.

Such an interview may require one or several conferences
supplemented by assigned material for reading, depending
upon the degree of knowledge the couple may already pos-
sess. The purpose of the premarital interview is to inform
and to allay fears and anxiety. The normalcy of sex in
married life and the philosophy and attitudes of the individ-
uals entering marriage concerning their sex relations are
just as important, if not more so, than cold facts alone. It is
advisable that you return for a check-up interview with your
physician or counselor in a month or two after marriage,
to clarify any questions or difficulties that may have arisen.

Honeymoons Are Fun

The purpose of a honeymoon is, of course, to get away
from one's family and friends, in order to have an initial,
uninterrupted time together. It is a transition period be-
tween single life and married life. After one returns from this
high-peak experience, married* life will bring more day-to-
day work, cares, and responsibilities, although it does not
decrease the joy of living with the person to whom one has
chosen to be married.

The length of the honeymoon is important. Long, ocean
voyages or train and bus trips often bring fatigue and irri-
tability which mar this initial stage of married life. A shorter
trip, with more time to be together and do the things to-
gether one wishes to do, seems most desirable. If there are

100 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

other places you wish to go, save some of them for year-to-
year vacations together. Many married women report that
their honeymoons are the only vacations they have had
alone with their husbands in ten to twenty years of married
life. This is too bad. Many a family has had its morale
lifted and romance reincarnated by the husband's and wife's
taking a short vacation or business trip away from children,
family, the job, and the house they live in. It is, perhaps,
unnecessary to stress the importance of leaving an itinerary
of one's trip behind in case necessity demands a return home
on account of some unforeseen calamity.

Do not go to a resort where one has constantly to be
involved in the social life of other people, unless by choice.
The amount of money one has to spend will limit the type
of honeymoon, but in no way does the amount of money
spent, be it large or small, affect the quality of the experi-
ence. Plans for the honeymoon should be made jointly. Do
not take relatives or third parties along. Take a little time
each day for privacy. Remember that every person likes
privacy, even in the most intimate and enjoyable relation-
ship.

Married life begins upon the return from the honeymoon.
Selecting a place to live, furnishing it, getting settled, organ-
izing the household routine, and learning the job of running a
home and being a husband or a wife now become the para-
mount concern for each.

Every couple in love, no doubt, feels certain that their
union will be the successful one and that they will live ro-
mantically happy ever after. It would be nice if this were
literally true. Yet, very soon after marriage, girls especially
ask why it is that romance, the same glorious continuation
of romantic relationships, does not carry over into marriage.
The fact of the matter is, it does, but they do not recognize
it. One of the ingredients of happiness is an ample supply of
love and romance at the outset. But this alone is not the
basis, but the expression, of true love and understanding.
One of the important things to take with one into marriage

LOOKING FORWARD TO MARRIAGE 101

is a knowledge of how to preserve the essence of that same
romance which was so much in evidence during the last days
of engagement and during the period of the honeymoon.
Some of the things which tend to preserve this love ingre-
dient in marriage are the following: the other's attitude and
having one's interest and loyalty predominantly and para-
mountly in the other person's welfare and wellbeing; an
attitude of reciprocal appreciation, tolerance, and sym-
pathetic understanding; a recognition of the fact that no
couple ever married and lived happily ever after; searching
each day for some one thing, however trivial, about that man
or woman we married and giving it our approval. There is
no medicine so soothing to the human soul as recognition
and approval by someone one loves. There is no illness so
devastating to a relationship as feeling unimportant, lacking
in status, and not having the encouragement and support of
the other person. We cannot afford to take the other person
for granted. A case in point is that of the bride of a year and
a half who began to feel a growing antagonism toward her
husband. She wanted to avoid and withdraw from his
advances and had increasingly little interest in keeping her
home an orderly, congenial place for him to come home to.
He was a good husband. He helped with the housework,
kept things in repair about the home, and helped with the
baby. He did not drink nor go out nights. He liked his home.
He loved his wife but was also worried about her increas-
ing indifference. An apparently silly thing was the cause.
Upon their return from a one-day honeymoon he went to
work, came home, ate his supper, and immediately got on
his work clothes, went to the garage, and worked on his car
until nearly midnight. This was repeated Tuesday, Wednes-
day, Thursday, and for ten days. He needed his car to get
to work. It was important that he put it in good condition
for winter. But the young bride felt neglected and taken
for granted. Romance was over, and she was left with only
her own hurt feelings and disappointment. After a year and
a half, this hurt was showing its depth by her unconscious

102 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

gradual rejection of her husband, for his hurt to her, which,
until he came to an advisor to talk it over, he had never
sensed was the reason for causing their union to be unsuc-
cessful.

The Illusion of Disillusionment

We need to have a true picture of what happens after
marriage. For the man, it is usually a return to a job in which
he is already established. For the girl, it is her first day on
the job. She is confronted, for the first time in her life, with
the responsibility of organizing and managing a home with
all the new experiences and detail that this may involve.
There is buying, preparing, and serving the food for the
family on time. There is laundry, cleaning, and bedmaking.
There is dishwashing, planning for leisure, and entertaining.
There is mending, pressing, and furnace care. Any bride
can add a dozen or more such items, all, or most all of them,
new, with the task of organizing them all into a system which
is efficient and leaves time for personal pleasures and a rested
wife to receive a tired husband in the evening, and one has a
picture of the new bride's job. This requires time. It needs
understanding, patience, and sometimes tact on the part of
the husband until she has her new job running as smoothly
as he has his old one at the office.

A realization on the part of each that the other has his own
interests is important. This apparent loss of romance is
well portrayed in the following letter from a newly married
woman:

" The one thing I found hard to accept in marriage (I am finding
it increasingly less hard to accept because we are working out a
happy adjustment) was the settling down to everyday living after my
rather excessive expectations before marriage, especially since we were
both very busy last year, L. with his last year at law school and I
finishing up my master's thesis. Before marriage, whenever we
weren't studying together at the library or occasionally going out,
we spent every minute of our free time making love. After mar-
riage we found it harder to study up to ten o'clock, for example,

LOOKING FORWARD TO MARRIAGE

103

and then say, 'Well, that's enough of that now,' and start making
love. In the first place, we stopped studying at the library (which
was the only quiet place we could find before marriage) and started
studying ( ?) at home, and there was always the temptation to make
love instead of studying, so we ended up doing little studying and
yet not very much love-making that was free of guilt feelings about
the fact that we ought to be studying. And I resented the fact
that even though we were married, something we had been looking
forward to for years, we didn't seem to have any more time for
ourselves than we had before marriage. Fortunately, things are
working out much better this year. But I would be very much
interested in a discussion, both of the problems of marriage con-
fronting people who marry while going to school and the much
broader problems of settling down to marriage in general.

" Money is an ever-present problem of course, much more serious
in some cases than in others, but there naturally isn't any one
answer everything has to be worked out to suit the individual
couple. From my parents' marriage I gained a real appreciation
of how much of a problem money can be (although I suspect that
often it's a cover-up for a more basic problem), but money prob-
lems have been such a negligible part of our marriage (although we
never have any money !) that I'm beginning to forget that financial
problems are really important."

Here is what happens to romance after marriage. Before
engagement, couples work, sleep, eat, play, worship, study,
do miscellaneous things, and spend a little time courting.

BEFORE

ENGAGEMENT

Dating

Play

Eating Leisure

Religion Leisure

Work School

Sleep

Miscellaneous

DURING
ENGAGEMENT

Dating and Love
Making

Play Religion

Eating Leisure

Work School

Sleep

Miscellaneous

AFTER
MARRIAGE

Love Making

Play

Eating Leisure

Religion Leisure

Work

Sleep

Miscellaneous

104 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

As engagement approaches and becomes a fact* the actual
time spent together is every minute possible, so this part of
the twenty-four-hour day expands, pushing the other areas
closer together like the folds of an accordion. Work is not
affected much except, perhaps, in efficiency, sleep is reduced
play with each other is increased, religion actually may not
change, study will be cut, and what was formerly a small
amount of courting time is now a large segment. And not
only is it a large segment of each twenty-four hours, but this
time together is spent in complete adoration of each other
with no other interferences. Then the marriage occurs.
One needs to catch up on one's sleep, the jobs of the house-
hold have to be done, friends invite you out and return
entertaining has to be done, Mother visits the new bride for
a week, added study is necessary for the man to advance in
his profession, and, when the twenty-four hours are over,
there is left relatively little time for uninterrupted, complete,
and undivided attention to each other. In quantity, the
actual, romantic lovemaking time has decreased. But it is
still there if one can see it. Everything that is being done is
shot through with love for the other person, and the energy
put into everything done has added significance because it is
for the other person's happiness and the achievement of
jointly planned goals. This is what happens when often a
girl, particularly, feels disillusioned. Then the engagement
romance seems not to linger beyond the first few weeks of
married life. This burden of work, planning, decisions to be
made and not always without conflict of opinion, goes on
with increasing complexity as children arrive, illness enters
the home, income is reduced, and other normal life happen-
ings occur. One can see, therefore, how necessary it is for
both husband and wife to keep their own relationship, even
though it be small in time available for each other apart
from the demands of family, job, and community life, filled
with mutual encouragement, love, and support of each other.
These are the basic things, which, if planned for, enhance
the happiness of the initial period of marital life together.

Part III
Evolving a Satisfactory Family Life

To be able, as Confucius indicates, to follow
what the heart desires without coming into
collision with the stubborn facts of life n
the privilege of the utterly innocent and
the utterly wise. It is the privilege of the
infant because the world ministers to his
heart's desire, and of the sage because he
has learned what to desire.

Lippmann, Walter, A Preface to Morals,
ch. 9, p. 193, lines 1-7. The Mac-
millan Company, New York, 1929.

CHAPTER VII

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE

Adjustments Are Normal Problems Inevitable

Perhaps one of the most significant characteristics of the
first year of marriage is the fact that each couple faces prac-
tically every kind of problem they will have to face in the
course of their marriage, with the possible exception of preg-
nancy and the rearing of children. They will have decisions
and adjustments to make in relation to finances, their own
personal habits and personality characteristics, ambitions
and ideals, health, friends, associates, recreation, social life,
housekeeping management and routines, relatives and in-
laws, sex, religion, education, community participation,
their job, and possibly crises.

All that this means is that the first year of marriage is one
of the greatest adjustment and perhaps the most crucial
of any of the years that follow. It is significant that approxi-
mately 40 per cent of all marriages which occur in any one
year end in separation or divorce by the end of the first five
years. The causes of these broken marriages usually have
their basis, first, in bad mating and, second, in the inability
of the individuals to establish a satisfactory basis for meet-
ing life's problems during the first year.

We can predict with assurance that many marriages will
fail. But at all times in our history an all too high proportion
of marriages have failed. People who marry too often labor
under the romantic notion that all one has to do to gain
happiness, if single, is to marry. There is the case of a young
woman who was worrying about whether, if she married,

107

108 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

she would be happy. When asked if she was happy now her
reply was, "Some days I am and some days I am not. 1 '
It will not be any different after one is married. Getting
married does not change the kinds of persons we are. Our
personality, our fundamental emotional and social patterns,
our prejudices, sentiments, and ambitions, our reactions to
success and failure, and other similar characteristics con-
tinue to be the same after we marry as they were before.

Problems are a part of life. The person who has no prob-
lems does not exist. What is most important in present day
life is not so much the fact that one is confronted with prob-
lems and disappointments, as whether that person has
learned how to meet problems when they come his way.

The following excerpts from letters, written by young
people married during the past two years, are not to em-
phasize the problem side of marriage, but rather to show
how every couple is faced with one kind of situation or
another, which it is hard for him to understand and solve.

Mrs. L. G. writes about loss of romance :

"I am a young bride of one month. It may seem to you that
one month of marriage is not enough time to voice an opinion on
married life, but I feel that I have already acquired a problem that
many couples may run into.

" First, before I state my problem, I'd like to stress the fact that
I believe the happiness obtained in married life far exceeds the
many little misunderstandings that may occur.

"The problem is, why can't married folks continue to be sweet-
hearts after marriage ? Why must there be such a change? When
you get married, courtship suddenly stops. Your life merely be-
comes a matter of fact routine. The excitement of something new
happening is gone. The sweet nothings suddenly become nothing.
You're taken for granted and he's taken for granted. I feel that
this attitude should not exist. I believe if young married couples
could do away with the above difficulty, there would be less chance
for other conflicts."

Mrs. A. writes of many problems solved :

"I started going 'steady* with Jack four years ago, immediately
after being introduced to him. I was seventeen then; am now
twenty-one. Because we felt we were too young and I wanted to

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE 109

finish school and then work a year in order to have the experience
and little money to start out with, we did not marry. We were
definitely planning on marrying two years ago, but then selective
service changed our minds. Since we thought Jack would only be
in the army a year, we decided to wait so that we could start out
married life together.

"Jack was inducted twenty-two months ago. He didn't get a
furlough for fourteen xnonths, so the only connection we had was
our letters. After war was declared and we knew he would be in
the army indefinitely, we agreed to get married as soon as he got a
furlough.

"He got his furlough in May came home on Tuesday and we
were married the following Friday. He left for camp again that
Saturday. The reason we weren't married earlier in the week is
that we needed time to get acquainted again. The army changes a
man. He was only a boy of twenty-one when he went into it, but
he was a man when he came home fourteen months later, and I
knew I loved him all the more for it. It's very important that the
wife grows up and keeps learning in order to stay abreast of her
husband. I didn't realize how much the change would be until I
saw him again and I talked to him.

"Jack went back to camp and I didn't see him again for six
months. He was home again 'for a week in November and again I
noticed the difference. He is restless, quickly bored and yet in-
tensely interested in all of the little things of ordinary life that he
misses away from home. He had drifted away from his friends,
and he doesn't care.

"I feel that we are drifting apart; therefore, I am planning on
going, to him so that we can be together. I will get a job and apart-
ment so that he can come home nights. I'll be able to fit into army
life, talk this strange new language of his, have interests in common
with him and it will be an experience shared together.

11 My attitude towards my friends has not changed much. Most
of my girl friends are married and live in my home town twenty
miles away from where I work and live in an apartment hotel.
I drifted away from them before Jack left as I only went home
week-ends, and Jack took up most of my time. My marriage did
not change in any way my attitude towards my closest friend with
whom I live, nor has it changed hers toward me as she recently
married a service man and is in the same position. At present, I
have few other close friends and depend almost entirely upon this
one girl for companionship. Without her, I'm afraid I would be
terribly lonesome.

" I knew my parents would oppose our marriage, so I didn't tell

110 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

them until an hour after the ceremony. I have always regretted
that because I know they felt badly about my not telling them.
I'm sorry I wasn't married at home. Time was short and we had
enough obstacles to overcome as it was, so I'm afraid we were
thoughtless at that time.

"Also, I definitely have 'in-law trouble.' Jack's mother resents
me, although she was always very nice to me until our marriage.
She even told me she was sorry we were maiyied because she didn't
see Jack as much and I took him away from her, although we
stayed right at his house all during his last furlough because we
thought she wanted us. I guess she just wanted him. However, I
try to be nice to her and go to see her about once a month since
she lived in my home town too. I would go oftener if I thought
she would be pleasant. She seems to expect me to come and won-
ders when I don't. I feel that I should see her more often and try
to get her to like me and accept me.

" Jack and I usually get along very well. We are exact opposites
of each other and admire each other's qualities. I am quiet,
studious, considered above the average in intelligence (school
teacher's opinion), rather shy, not given to clever conversation;
meek, slow to anger, stubborn, quite emotional, have a tendency
to worry about financial matters, consider too much the appearance
of things. Jack is very good-looking, witty, intelligent, quick-
tempered, popular, a devil-may-care type, a very well-informed
and interesting conversationalist. We argue mostly about money,
but these arguments are now few and far between. Jack depends
upon me for my letters sympathy, love, encouragement,
dreams, and news from home. My husband is hurt if I don't write
him every other day. He depends upon my loyalty and unques-
tioning devotion. I depend upon him for the same things, and
usually get them.

"Naturally, I miss my husband sexually, although I don't sup-
pose the adjustment is so difficult as if I had been married and
lived with him for a longer period of time.

"I have had a few dates since marrying and they just didn't
work out. I was terribly lonesome and thought a man's company
would help, but it didn't. / didn't need just any man / needed
the man. Some of the men just go out for a good time and com-
panionship, and with them I got along all right. Others ended up
by making a pass at me. So I just decided it wasn't worth while
to take a chance on any man.

"As for Jack, I hope he is being true to me. I will not let any
questions of this sort hurt our marriage.

"As you can see, I'm planning definitely on the future and I

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE 111

have high hopes for a peaceful, prosperous and at least averagely
happy married life. I don't want it to be perfect because then there
would be no excitement or fun. We just want a chance !

"I'm proud and happy to be married to a soldier. Life isn't
easy, but it can be beautiful. 11

Mr. and Mrs. L. M. write about their adjustments:

"The most obvious problem with all of us is housing. Money
doesn't matter much there if you're not lucky. More than one
officer's wife here has spent a night or two in the bus station, along
with the unlucky soldiers' wives who happened to arrive at the
same time. Then if you have just a room there's always the prob-
lem of where to eat. It isn't at all unusual to have all of the restau-
rants run out of food on a Sunday night in a small town like this one.
Of course, the men can get all of their meals out at camp, but a
meal is a pleasant thing to have with your wife now and then.
Wandering around looking for a place to eat, you sometimes begin
to wonder whether it's worth while being here. It's very easy to
lose your temper when you're hungry. Then, after a while, if
you're lucky as we were, you find a small apartment where you can
cook. That is about all there is room for in our apartment, but
we're getting along very well.

"The next most important problems for the wives are what to
do with their time and making friends. Here I've had no trouble
with finding enough to do. In fact, I've just come to the conclusion
that I have too much to do, and I'm about to get rid of one job
helping in a nursery school which I've been doing in the morn-
ings. Red Cross work fills up the rest of my time, and I'm planning
to do more of it, for they are letting me help with some of the case
work, which is what I'm most interested in. It is the perfect
answer to my need for something to do, because it gives me, at
the same time, experience which will help me when I start looking
for a regular job again. Besides that, it's a good place to meet
people other people doing the same kind of work.

" Perhaps I've gotten a bit off the subject of the problems of our
marriage but no, I haven't really, because I couldn't justify my
being here very satisfactorily to myself if I didn't have work to do
that I consider worth while and interesting, and I wouldn't be
completely happy here if I didn't have friends. Being with Bill is
infinitely better, of course, than being separated from him, but
especially because I really don't see him so very much, it's impor-
tant to have the other things too.

"That brings up another important problem which we all have

112 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

trying to maintain a reasonably normal family life when our
husbands get home two or perhaps three nights a week, if we're
lucky. We can talk with them by telephone on the other days, but
even so it's hard to get everything said. Nobody has the time or
the energy for much social life. Then, too, if you live in a sort of
makeshift apartment like ours, you don't really have much privacy.
That's something it's really hard to get used to, and I don't think
I ever will. Paper-thin walls give us a little too much of the other
family's family life !

"The thing we have always with us is the vague knowledge
that this can't last forever. It's vague only because we don't
think about it very much. One good thing is that I think we've
learned to favor the present much more than we would ordinarily

we've tried to, anyway. We try not to think, 'Oh, won't it be
wonderful when we can settle down and live normally ! ' It doesn't
do any good. I think we've succeeded pretty well in this.

"That doesn't mean that I haven't any plans for the future,
however. Just now what I'm chiefly interested in is a family.
We've decided that we should start having one as soon as possible,
since we don't know how much longer we will be here together.
We don't say, 'Otherwise we might never have one,' but I guess
that's what we think. Sometimes I think that this may not be a
completely good idea. For one thing, I know that I'm counting
on a lot of help from my family, if we do have a child and Bill isn't
here, not financial help, but a lot of other kinds of help. That
seems rather irresponsible of me. But on the whole I'm convinced
that we should not let the war interfere with this plan for a family."

Marriage A Social Responsibility

All forms of animal life mate, but mating alone does not
constitute a marriage. Mating is a biological term denoting
the physical union of any two animals, human or otherwise.

Marriage, however, is known only to human beings in all
parts of the world. It is a social and legal plan by which the
relationships of the two sexes is controlled by society in the
interest of children as well as of wholesome morals, good
health, and mental hygiene. It involves public social sanc-
tion as well as systematic social control. While two individ-
uals may meet and fall in love, when they marry, their
families and the community are involved. We need to
realize, therefore, that in our country, as well as in every
other country of the known world, society has certain sane-

THE FIRS1 YEAR OF MARRIAGE

113

tions and restrictions it has set up. As a guide to marriage,
it directs who shall marry, from what groups mates may or
may not be chosen, by whom one's mate may be chosen, the

procedure by which a mate may be secured, where the couple
shall live, their rights and responsibilities as husband, wife,
and parents, the causes and methods by which the marriage
may be terminated, and how and by what means the single,
widowed, divorced, orphaned, and childless are to be related
to the entire scheme of life in that society.

Most couples, however, consider marriage a private affair.
They do not consciously marry to preserve or perpetuate
the race, but rather because they love each other and see
eternal happiness in living their lives together and heartache
at the thought of separation.

Marriage A Personal Matter

Both a short and a long view of marriage are desirable.
From the immediate point of view one is concerned with
marrying the other person as soon as possible and getting
on with the business of lovemaking, homemaking, and living
together.

114 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Given a basis to expect a good mating, this is without
question the thing to do. But, however good or bad the
match may be, every couple must recognize that their
marriage will succeed or fail to the degree, at least, that they
have considered the following points:

1. The recognition that every marriage brings together two dif-
ferent personalities, with varying degrees of similarity in their
background of training, attitudes, and understanding of themselves
and the things each thinks he will get out of the marriage.

2. The extent to which each individual is prepared for marriage.

3. The determination, ability, and zest which the couple has for
making their life together a happy one.

4. A recognition of the fact that many situations, apart from
their own personal relationship and beyond their control, will have
to be met and adjusted to.

5. That one must work at the job of staying successfully married
as hard at least as they do at the job of getting engaged and getting
married.

It should be self-evident to anyone that the individuals
who marry are different in many ways and have perhaps
different ideas about marriage, many of which they have
acquired as a result of growing up in the particular kind of
family and environment they did. But herein lies one of the
danger points in many marriages. It is difficult to recognize
one's own inadequacies and to be tolerant of another person's
personal habits and attitudes which may be radically differ-
ent from one's own. Personal habits and attitudes and dif-
ferences in what each is striving to get from their marriage
will be discussed in more detail later.

Specifically, there is much knowledge and information on
every aspect of family life available in public libraries, good
magazines, at public lectures, and to be had from classes in
public schools and colleges. Food preparation, consumer
buying, sewing, remodeling garments, child care, budgeting,
household management, family relationships, mental hy-
giene, health education, religion, and home recreation are
only a few. But whatever preparation one has made along

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE 115

these lines, there still remains those personality differences
expressed in attitudes, feelings, and early formed habits,
about husbands, wives, homes, sex, money, housekeeping,
social life, finances, children, and one's relatives which will
play an important part in whether you and your newly
acquired husband or wife succeed or fail.

The matter of entering marriage with a zest to perpetuate
its romance and happiness needs little comment. It can be
assumed that practically all couples enter marriage, with
some apprehension, to be sure, but with great expectations
and determination that theirs will be one that will continue
to be happy and succeed. Given, along with this high en-
thusiasm, good mating to begin with, adequate preparation,
and a willingness to work at the job, there is every reason to
count on success. Most couples have to work for the happi-
ness, joy, and satisfaction that come from life together,
make many adjustments, and meet many hardships not easy
to bear.

The last item, working at the job of marriage, is one which
many seem to overlook. Suppose a person devoted months
of his time to getting ready for a position clerical, me-
chanical or professional; he entered the first opening with
enthusiasm, and, then, just sat there, expecting salary
checks, promotion, and success to come sailing along. How
long would it take this career to go on the rocks? Marriage
is no different and is, in some ways, more difficult than most
occupations, except that there are two persons who should be
working equally hard, and each must be a semi-specialist in
many fields a mechanic (be able to fix the lawnmower,
etc.), a biologist, a nutritionist (to feed the family properly),
a good and economical buyer, a psychologist (to get along
with each other, the children, and one's relatives), a business
manager (to run the home within one's income), a teacher
(to help and guide children in their development), a nurse
and physician (to handle adequately the illness of family
members), and many others. The home is no place for the
incompetent and the inefficient. The best hereditary stock

116 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

and the best brains in the nation are needed to found and
carry on happy and successful marriage and family life.

Characteristics of the First Year of Marriage

The first year of marriage may be likened to building the
framework of a new house. While the blueprints may be
changed, and the foundation or superstructure modified, it
costs less to do one's planning well in advance. With human
beings, it also costs less to be well mated and well adapted to
each other's needs and interests, than to have to make too
many alterations in one's habits, attitudes, and philosophy
of life after marriage. The first year is especially important
for several reasons.

It is the period of the establishment of the family, the time
when a couple is getting settled in their new home and organ-
izing other activities and habife to accommodate them to the
joint sharing of life. It is like the beginning of most new
ventures; no matter how carefully we have planned every-
thing, there are always little changes and adjustments that
have to be made in order that things run smoothly. Take,
for example, the following letter from a young bride, who
says:

"The first problem that I am confronted with is household rou-
tines, such as washing and ironing. We have to go out for our
meals and since I only have one room I cannot entertain my friends.
I am also attending school which keeps me busy many an evening.
If I did go to housekeeping and my husband was called in service,
I would have to dispose of my furniture, as my parents could not
keep it for me.

"My husband's folks live out of town which causes us incon-
venience. Gas rationing is the problem and my husband works
seven days a week.

"In regards to health, it is perfect.

"I am writing this letter as problems and not complaints as I
am very happily married, but I am still troubled."

As can be seen, this statement represents both actual,
immediate problems in the establishment of the family as well
as other problems which she fears may arise in the future.

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE 117

Today, more than in ordinary times, these adjustments,
attendant upon establishing a home, are complicated by
wives* working, husbands' being in the armed forces, and the
difficulty of living alone or .living under army camp condi-
tions. The following letter of another young bride shows
some of the problems which arise today in trying to stabilize
and establish a common and satisfactory mode of living in
one's early married life:

" My husband and I were married seven months ago, which was
at the beginning of his senior year in college. In less than a month,
now, he will have received his degree and will have tried his state
licensing examinations, which (we hope) will grant him a license to
practice.

"I was graduated from a college of Home Economics last June
a month before we were married. Since September I have had
a position. This position affords only $75 a month, but it is nice
work and I like it.

"I intend to 'quit' my job, however, and go with my husband
to the village of about 5,000 where he has a position.

"What about the army? My husband has a commission which
expires three months after graduation. Regardless of whether or
not I will be able to accompany him, we are only glad that we are
married and have had this much time together (seven months).
I believe that the uncertainty of the future has brought us even
closer together, and has created a bond between us that nothing
can destroy something which started our marriage 'on the right
foot.'

"Even though we have had relatively little money, we have been
very, very happy. Our 'differences' have been over the job I had
last summer. My hours were terribly irregular, and we were seldom
home at the same time. As I had "to work nights a great deal, we
could almost never 'get together 1 with our friends. All the time
my husband wanted me to 'quit,' and I just didn't dare until I
found another job. That situation made us 'tense' all the time.
I realize that he felt badly because I had to earn most of the money
and because I had to work so hard. I never have resented that;
he can't go to school and support a family too. Besides, he helps
me just ever so much with the housework and cooking, in addition
to being janitor of our house, and doing various odd jobs for which
he receives cash, but that wasn't enough for him. My job seemed
to always be between us.

118 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

"When I changed jobs all this tenseness ceased. As it is work
with children, my training has fitted me for the work and I love it.

11 1 am happy in my work, my 'hours ' are very suitable, and we
are both very happy. When my husband goes into practice next
month, he doesn't want me to work for a while. I too think I
would like to work for him at home. It will give me a chance to
have a hot meal ready for him every night ; it will give him a chance
to take the financial responsibilities the thing for which he has
been working and which will make him feel he is doing his part for
our marriage. I am going to try to help him as much as I can, to
take an interest in his work and to be I hope a worthy pro-
fessional man's wife."

It is a time when husband-wife relationships are dominant.
The couple are alone and usually have little time or interest
for others. Children have not yet arrived to complicate
their relationships, while parents, friends, or others no longer
have the right to make their decisions. All choices, decisions,
and activities are now jointly those of the husband and wife.
Their own happiness, their own future, and their own plans
are paramount concerns for them alone. The following
excerpts from an account of the first year of married life of
one young couple will serve to show their preoccupation with
each other. Theirs has been a happy and fortunate year
compared with some other couples. The reason, in part, is
due to the fact that they were well mated to begin with.
Being well mated means that they were old enough to marry,
their ages were not too far apart, they had known each other
more than twelve months, they were of comparable educa-
tional background, similar in their religious beliefs and racial
backgrounds, were healthy, came from good hereditary, stock,
were mentally average or better, came from unbroken homes,
knew each other's families before marriage, both wanted
children, had sufficient income to be self-supporting and
prospects for advancement in job were good, both were born
in a similar environment, had no economic responsibility
other than themselves, were interested in a number of com-
mon social and recreational activities, and each was tolerant
of those in which he did not take part, had had good early

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE 119

sex education, were given premarital physical examinations
before marriage, held to a monogamous philosophy as to
their own relationships, and were married under conven-
tional, home, religious conditions.

Of all the factors which go into the making of a good pros-
pect for a happy marriage, there were only two on which they
had to be careful. These were their dependence upon their
parents at the time of marriage and the fact that they lived
close to each of their families. As you read their story, how-
ever, you will see how this affected their happiness, and what
the outcome was.

While everyone who marries need not have as many factors
in their favor as did this couple, the more common factors
they have, the easier it is to succeed, and the less the chance
of conflict which leads to continuous unhappiness or even
separation or divorce.

"Tom and I have been married just a year. I realize that a
mere twelve-months of experience doesn't rate you very high as
an authority on matrimony, but at least it's long enough to have
given me time to try out some of the advice usually given to newly-
weds. And to have discovered all by myself one principle which
seems to me more important than all the others put together, and
which I have never read in any book or heard mentioned in any
discussion. Trying to learn anything about marriage before you're
actually married is a lot like trying to learn to swim from a book.

"Both our families approved of our getting married. Tom was
working under Father in fact, that was how I happened to meet
him and Dad thought he had good stuff in him. Dad approved
of early marriages and would do all he could to help us along.
Tom's mother was a widow, and he was her oldest and favorite son.
Of course, she didn't think I was half good enough for him. (I'd
like one look at the girl she'd have thought was !) But Tom was
determined, so I could just feel her deciding to make the best of it.

"Our first night alone in our new home it snowed. We'd had a
two weeks' honeymoon trip, and the few nights we'd been back we'd
been sleeping in Tom's mother's house, till we got the apartment
settled. Now the gold-colored curtains were up, our books were
in the low bookcases and there was a fire in the Franklin stove.
We sat on the antique love seat that had been a wedding present,

120 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Tom's arm around me. Everything was very quiet, the way it is
when it's snowing.

" ' I wonder,' Tom said suddenly, 'whether any other two people
ever sat on this old seat in front of a stove like this when they
were first married.'

"It was a queer, scary sort of thought, that maybe two people
who once felt the same way we were feeling were old now, or dead.
Or, worse, were still living but didn't feel this way any more. I
held on to Tom's hand a little tighter, and I guess he was thinking
the same thing, because he drew me closer to him.

"'Bunny,' he said and his voice sounded solemn 'what-
ever comes, we must hang on to this wonderful thing we've got.'

"I didn't say anything, just pressed my cheek harder against
his rough, tweedy shoulder. Almost held my breath. It's the
strangest thing, but for a moment it seemed as xiiough the room
were filled with a different sort of air from the kind we ordinarily
breathe. Bright, light air, almost quivering, mysterious. Maybe
that's what people mean when they talk about love making the
whole world seem 'different.'

"For several minutes, neither of us spoke; we just kept close to
each other, breathing in the magic. After a bit, slowly, the air of
everyday living came back into the room. We both felt strong and
gay and competent, as though we could figure out any problem,
tackle any sort of difficulty. It seemed to me that I could do any-
thing in the world as long as I had Tom, as you might say, on my
side." (9)

Early marriage adjustments are being made and patterns
of managing one's family affairs are in the process of forma-
tion. Each individual is trying to put into practice his living
philosophy, and each is modifying and integrating his be-
liefs and behavior into a joint and compatible one, consistent
with happiness and success in his new relationship.

Summary

Much happiness is, and should be, a part of the first year
of marriage. Much lovemaking, many good times together,
a growing sense of satisfaction and pride in each other, and a
settling down to a better understanding of the person to
whom one is married. This first year is one in which husband
and wife belong predominantly to each other, their expenses

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE 121

are usually low, health is usually good, housing needs are
simple, each is becoming established in the routine of his
job, whether the wife is gainfully employed or not, and the
evaluation of their own, unique plan and philosophy is in the
making. This is a most important year the entrance
upon the road to success or the road to disappointment,
disillusionment, heartache, and failure.

Most of the decisions about life together are in the making
adjusting to each other's personal peculiarities, habits,
and ways of life; working out a routine between themselves;
handling the family's money; planning social and recreational
life with friends, and alone; initiating and adjusting to sex
relations; establishing satisfactory relationships with parents
and inlaws after marriage; evolving a religious philosophy
and practice; and, later on, planning for, and adjusting to,
the coming of children into the home.

If there were any formula for success it might include:

1. Being honest talking things over being frank, but, at
the same time, considerate and understanding of the other person.

2. Making joint decisions as to what you want, how you want
things done, and what each person's responsibility is to be.

3. Doing your best to make the other person happy and proud
of you.

4. Remembering that each partner has to be successful at three
jobs. A woman must be a good wife, a good mother, and a good
home manager; a man must be a good husband, a good father, and
a good provider, although the wife, many times, may also add to
this part of the family task.

CHAPTER VIII

PERSONALITY FACTORS IN RELATIONSHIPS

A decision must be made about most matters of impor-
tance. The decision may be easy because one has a well
thought out philosophy of life and has enough maturity
and experience to make the decision with a minimum of
frustration. Another person may become involved with a
problem to the extent that he is in such a state of conflict
and anxiety that he never seems able to come to grips with
the reality of the situation. We need to recognize the reality
of the problems of everyday living and go about trying to
solve them. Evading, projecting, rationalizing, and other
forms of running away from responsibility are bad tech-
niques.

Most Problems Are Personality Problems

A recent study (10) of married college women reveals the
large percentage and wide range of problems confronted by
each, both before, during, and after graduation from college.
All the women apparently had some difficulty in meeting
the normal life situations which had confronted them in the
course of their development, especially personality and hu-
man relations difficulties, which tended to remain the source
of problems in later years. In this group there were more
problems after graduation from college than at any time
before. The married women had to meet many new situa-
tions and had a wider range of problems than single women.
As new problems were met in life, not all of the old ones had
been resolved, so the cumulative effect on personality was
evident.

122

PERSONALITY FACTORS IN RELATIONSHIPS 123

Basically most of these conflicts existed because two per-
sonalities, a husband and wife, a wife and a mother-in-law,
or an employed girl and her employer or associate, were
unable to achieve a common basis for making a satisfactory
decision.

TJK* ~t T>^ 1aM Percentage of Percentage of

Type of Problem Married Women Single Women

Personality 98 100

Finances 97 95

Health 96 100

Husband-wife 89

Relations with associates 88 100

Recreation 84 86

Housekeeping 82

Relations with relatives 80 77

Parent-child 78

Crisis 74 73

In-law 60

Sex 56 59

Religion 52 50

Vocation 34 91

Education 20 36

Most of the difficulty couples have in making a good adv
justment arises from their basic personality and conditioned
habits and attitudes. There are, for example, many adequate
and satisfying ways for a couple to handle their money,
organize their household routines, and plan their social activi-
ties, but it is often the value one places on a certain form or
idea, which makes it difficult for him to see the other person's
point of view or make a modification of his own belief or
behavior in the interest of harmony. It hurts one's pride
to adjust and most people do not like to be hurt. This is one
reason why many individuals like to have the other person
make whatever change there is to be made.

One young bride was terribly disturbed because her hus-
band did not "dress" for dinner. She said that her father
always did, and that her standards would not let her accept
slovenly habits at meals. This illustrates the value placed
upon a single bit of behavior by this young woman. She,
of course, like all of us, was confronted with a choice between

124 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

changing her husband's habit and feeling about dressing for
dinner, changing her own feeling about it and, thus, accept-
ing his pattern, or leaving the situation by separation or
divorce. She did not want a divorce and felt she could not
change him. She was forced to decide between enduring the
pain of having her standards violated or the worse pain of
separation. She actually compromised on a plan whereby
he would dress for dinner when there was company and on
Saturday and Sunday evenings and be informal the rest of
the time. The wife did not quite like this, but it seemed to
be a lesser pain to endure than any of the other alternatives.
Her problem was, then, one of trying to re-examine the basis
for her set of values on dressing for dinner and accept the
compromise in relation to all the other desirable aspects of
their married life. It was evident that the basic problem
they had was a struggle for domination. Neither would
admit he might be wrong or compromise on any point. Each
had to be right.

The majority of problems in husband-wife relationships
are, basically, personality problems, essentially conflict
situations between a husband and wife or other family
member, and most so-called money, sex, social, or other
types of problems are only symptomatic of the underlying
problem. Take, for example, a young woman who seeks
advice about her husband who drinks. To her, the problem
is that he drinks, spends the family income, abuses her and
the children, and is wrecking his own life. The drinking,
however, is usually only symptomatic of deeper needs which
ought to be found and treated before he can really be con-
sidered helped. There are thousands of examples in our
everyday life where we define the problem as bad sex adjust-
ment, a nagging wife, or an unruly child, when the problem is
essentially conflicting personality patterns and characteristics.

Figure i suggests the relationship between basic person-
ality factors and other areas in which problems occur.

Let us now consider, in order, the types ot adjustment
every young married couple must inevitably meet.

PERSONALITY FACTORS IN RELATIONSHIPS

(Btll Jones) ' and (Mary^tmth)

Get Married

125

His
Basic Personality Characteristics

and
Acquired Habit-Attitude Patterns

Her
Basic Personality Characteristics

and
Acquired Habit-Attitude Patterns

I Area of Adjustment in Every Marriage j

I

Money
Family
Children

Opposite and Own Sex

Husband-Wife Relationships

Parental Relationships

Friendships

Health

Sex

Religion
Schooling
Social Life
Recreation

Household Management

Public Affairs

Crises

| Largely Determines j

I

The Happiness, Success, and Degree of Conflict or
Cooperation in Their Marriage

Fig. i. A theory of marital adjustment.

Husband and Wife

There is no rule of thumb by which individuals may be
taught to find for themselves, in advance of marriage, the
key to the solution of the problem situations which will
confront them after the step has been taken. There is much
in education which may contribute to one's knowledge of
the biological, sociological, economic, psychological, and other
data useful to any person in the management of their lives
in our society. Here, however, there is only need to consider
the importance of there being a close correlation between the

126 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

theoretical information which one learns from books or
lectures and the kinds of experience through which the
learners are passing in the process of being " educated."
There is perhaps no experience which places upon the in-
dividual so great a need for insight and adaptability as that
which is called forth by assuming the responsibilities of
marriage and the rearing of a family. Each person, the man
and wife, regardless of the similarity of the cultural back-
grounds from which he comes, always brings to marriage
enough differences in his system of habits, attitudes, and
beliefs to make it necessary to compromise and make adapta-
tions at many points in getting along with each other. Suc-
cess in marriage not only involves the acquiring of facts,
but the development of a philosophy and the techniques
involved in the art of understanding human nature and
human relationships. It is both an art and a technology.

That there will be conflict one can predict with assured-
ness, but the nature and outcome of that conflict cannot
always be determined.

In one study, struggle for domination, adjustment to sex
relations, financial conflict, and adjustment to differences
in personal habits and cultural backgrounds were the most
frequently occurring causes of difficulty in the marital
relationships.

In struggle for domination, one can see demonstrated the
way in which husband and wife each work out their individ-
ual personality characteristics in terms of the other's.
The previously acquired patterns of projection, withdrawal,
evasion, or acceptance, of which neither is aware, or the
facing of each situation as it arises, as a mature and well
adjusted person, is presented in this human drama.

The way in which the personality functions often deter-
mines what conflicts regarding money, sex, in-laws, and
other matters arise. A woman may have struggled with
parents, siblings, teachers, and vocational associates all her
life up to the time of her marriage to maintain the integrity
of her own individuality. She must have some way of

PERSONALITY FACTORS IN RELATIONSHIPS 127

achieving a sense of importance in this relationship, as in
others. The degree to which her husband recognizes her need
and gives her status and a sense of significance may do much
to enhance the entire marriage relation. Individual variation
in the ability to make adjustments is also a factor. Some
men and some women, to avoid conflict, make all the major
adjustments, while, in other cases, there is continuous conflict
between husband and wife, and a lack of adjustment made
by either.

In one case the wife says, "If he wants to handle the
money, let him. He can do a better job of it than I can, so
why should he not be responsible?" In another case his
wife is constantly complaining that her husband handles the
money, that she has no voice as to what they spend and no
knowledge of their financial situation. These examples show
the way in which the wife's personality pattern functions
in relation to her husband in money matters. In the second
case, competition is shown between husband and wife for
domination in family decisions.

The husband- wife problem is predominantly a personality
adjustment-conflict pattern. This pattern, in turn, colors,
though it does not entirely determine, the adequacy of hus-
band and wife in handling money, sex, child, in-law, and
other phases of their personal, social, and professional life.
The reader should not fail to see the significance of this fact.
So often money, sex, in-law, and other problems are given
more weight than they deserve as causal factors in family
disorganization because they are considered in isolation and
not as a whole, or partial, reflection of the personality of the
individual.

There are, of course, situations, such as maids' quitting,
losing one's job, or the failure of health, which are problems
in themselves. However, the stride with which we meet
these unpleasant phases of daily routine is largely a per-
sonality habit.

The following excerpts from one wife's case (n) are cited
to show the way in which family conflicts involve not only

128 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

specific husband-wife adjustments but numerous other
factors as well. They emphasize particularly the interrela-
tionships of problems, their dependence upon the personality
factor, and their relevance to early conditioning.

HUSBAND- WIFE RELATIONS :

Many arguments over religion.

Disagreement over husband's resistance to having a wider
group of friends.

Conflict over sending child to Sunday school.

Arguments over calling on people.

Lack of orderliness about house, producing conflict with
husband.

Many hurt feelings on part of both husband and wife in first
year of marriage.

Sex adjustment difficulties because husband too inhibited and
modest.

Conflict over rush and strain.

Irregularity of husband's hours, causing differences and irri-
tation.

RELATIONS WITH ASSOCIATES :

Wife and husband shy; "did not talk about things much"

before marriage.
Bashful with associates.
More critical of friends than formerly.
Difficulty in keeping up relations with old friends because

they bore her husband.
Answering the child's questions frankly, about the origin of

babies, causes conflict with neighbor.

ATTITUDE TOWARD SELF:

Worries about not doing more "outside things."

Was very uncertain and shy about getting married.

Considers herself lax in budgeting her time.

Is not very orderly.

Glad that she does not have to suffer the hurt feelings she

experienced when they lived in town with their families.
Thinks she has too little ambition.
Feels herself to be losing her pep.
Feels bashful and shy with associates.
Is becoming more critical of her friends.
Fears death.
Likes to avoid issues.
Is an easygoing person.
Was very inhibited and shy when going with husband.

PERSONALITY FACTORS IN RELATIONSHIPS 129

Was ignorant of what married life meant.
Was sensitive and cried over the slightest things.
Was never satisfied with her accomplishments while working.
Felt exhausted at the end of each day.

Was homesick for her college friends when she first began to
work.

RECREATION :

Visits of friends overtaxing following illness.

Conflict with husband over visiting and having people in the

home.

Social life bored her when she lived near her own family.
Missed college life after she began working.
Social contacts with friends were difficult because of her

husband's attitude.

RELATIONS WITH RELATIVES :

Too many family demands upon them when living in the

same town with their families.

Conflict with mother over child's not attending church.
Could not have carried out her own child-training plan while

living near her mother.

IN-LAW RELATIONS :

Too many demands ; hurt feelings when living near her in-laws.

Conflict with mother-in-law over not belonging to church.

Conflict with mother-in-law over trying to "iron out" dif-
ferences between her and the children.

Wife could not have carried out her own child-training plan
while living near her in-laws.

CLIENT'S EVALUATION OF HER HUSBAND:

Hard to interest in social activities ; quickly bored with people;
his attitude toward religion a reaction against his strict up-
bringing; argues too much with his mother; is a shy, retiring
person; contributes little in conversation; is not anxious for
them to have another child; was not able to help wife with
early sex adjustment; always gives vent to his feelings,
regardless of consequences; has irregular work hours and
does not call to notify his wife when he is to be late.

HOMEMAKING SKILLS AND ACTIVITIES :

Getting housework done in orderly fashion and on time

difficult.

Hates dirty work of housekeeping.
Lacked household skills and had a hard time adjusting herself

to homemaking.
Had great difficulty in organizing her time.

130 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Personal Habits

Another important problem in husband-wife relations is
that of personal habits, which include such seemingly trivial
matters as punctuality at meals, picking up clothes, cleanli-
ness of person, food idiosyncrasies, observing social con-
ventions, formality and informality in the home, remember-
ing anniversaries, arrangement of housekeeping activities,
and being together or isolated during evenings at home.
Conflict over such matters becomes closely tied up with the
struggle for domination, and any one of these items might
become the point around which serious and lasting conflicts
arise. Each is apparently unable to tolerate differences in
the other when the matter in question touches upon some
emotionally inviolable area. Ash trays, for example, must
be in certain places, not because the matter is important in
itself, but because the entire situation has become a symbol
of the total personality of the individual and has important
meaning to him.

Status

One element of compatibility often lies in the degree to
which the husband can make his wife feel that she is an im-
portant person has status and comes first in his planning
and consideration. The following comments from several
cases show evidence of how often wives feel this lack :

MRS. B.

Felt husband was indifferent during month preceding mar-
riage.

Husband's tendency to consider the needs of his business prior
to those of his wife annoying.

Feels husband is too engrossed in his own work and resents her
asking him questions.

MRS. F.

Husband is very upsetting and disrupting to home situation.
Husband has no confidence in her.
Husband does not sit and chat with her much.
Husband seems to have no confidence in her taking responsi-
bility.
Generally forgets to bring his wtfe something: from tis trips.

PERSONALITY FACTORS IN RELATIONSHIPS 131

MRS. A. T.

Husband has never given her feeling of being essential to him.

MRS. B. Q.

Felt husband was not attracted by her appearance.

Feels husband should spend more time with his family,

instead of devoting all his time to reading.
Feels husband is bored by accounts of her daily activities.

MRS. B. W.

Husband disliked client's interests.

Husband immediately changed in attitude toward client after

marriage.

Husband made fun of wife's activities.
Husband completely disregarded her when out with friends.

These excerpts indicate many questions of status, of the
husband's accepting the wife as competent within the field of
her responsibility as far as being a wife, a mother, and a
housekeeper is concerned. A lack of status is probably one
of the most important factors leading to frustration with
which these women are confronted. These excerpts may also
indicate a lack of maturity, self-sufficiency, and breadth of
interests on the part of the wife.

Take, for example, such an item as, "The husband tends
to consider the needs of his business prior to those of his
wife." This shift in attention and interest often occurs
immediately after marriage when a man resumes his interest
in his work, and his wife at certain times becomes somewhat
secondary in importance to him. It is a very difficult transi-
tion period, and, in the development of their marriage, it is
difficult for many women to accept the fact that anything
else in life is as important to their husbands as they were
before marriage and as they feel they should continue to be
following marriage. There is perhaps no actual loss of
interest but merely a shift in relative emphasis, which must,
of necessity, take precedence when a wider range of responsi-
bility is again resumed by each.

Other more specific problems involving the feeling of being
accepted by one's husband are these: "Husband belittles

132 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

whatever she knows or attempts to do." " Husband is
continually complaining because she is a poor housekeeper."
"Husband does not consider her interests and activities of
great importance." "Feels that husband is bored by ac-
counts of her daily activities." "Husband never notices
what she wears or how she is dressed."

Summary

Success in marriage, therefore, involves not only a knowl-
edge of the relevant facts but also an understanding of
human nature and a philosophy of human relations. Regard-
less of how alike or different the husband and wife may be,
there will always be adjustments and adaptations to be
made, and the responsibility for making them falls upon the
man and woman individually. That there will be conflict
between them can be predicted with certainty. The nature
and outcome of the conflict cannot always be determined.

There is no better explanation of the basis for many of
these husband-wife conflicts than the following quotation
from an article by Lawrence K. Frank (12), which appeared
in the Parent Teacher Magazine for December, 1938:

"We need only remember that underneath the outer mask of
adult size and dignity, behind the official position, rank, or prestige
of the grown-up man or woman, there is always a little boy or little
girl, still living over the hurts, the injustices, the unhappiness of a
forgotten childhood. It is these little boys and little girls who run
our social life and create the social problems and difficulties we
suffer from not because they are deliberately wicked, sinful,
selfish, or antisocial, but because they are dominated by these
childish feelings which govern their lives and direct their conduct.
Usually they are unaware of the long forgotten occasions for the
resentments and anxieties that so potently influence their present
lives; but as we gain insight into personality development and
trace back the individual's adult career to these early emotional
experiences, we can see how the need to 'get even* with parents
and teachers, to build up defenses against early anxieties, to atone
for guilt over childish misbehavior, are all operating as effectively
as if the individual were indeed a little boy or little girl."

CHAPTER IX

SEX AS A FACTOR IN FAMILY LIFE

Sex is important. If it were not for the fact of reproduc-
tion, life would cease to exist, and the human race would
perish. Not only would it perish if humans did not marry,
copulate, and produce children, but, without it, the farmer
no longer could reproduce plants and animals and their prod-
ucts for human consumption. The farmer's job is that of
wholesale reproduction.

Good sex adjustment in marriage depends as much upon
your attitudes as upon your knowledge of facts. These atti-
tudes are formed early in life. If, as a young child, you were
told that questions about sex were vulgar and nasty, if you
were punished for asking questions or observed your moth-
er's or father's embarrassment or avoidance when questions
of origin of babies or sex came up, you probably turned to
books and friends for your sex education. In such case the
chances are that much that you learned gave you an abnor-
mal attitude and wrong information on the whole subject
of sex.

In order to do a good job as a sex partner in marriage, one
must, therefore, have sane, balanced attitudes about sex as
a part of life and some sound and correct information about
sex,

Personal and Social Aspects of Sex

The individual couple is interested in sex to the extent
that they may achieve a satisfactory adjustment so that
the act is enjoyable to both and comes to be accepted as a

133

134 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

true expression of existing love between them. They are
interested in knowing about the anatomy and physiology of
both man and woman, and how each functions in his or her
reproductive capacity. Each is interested in sex because it
leads to the creation of offspring, and because they, as par-
ents, will in turn have to give their young children sound
information and good guidance in sex as they grow to matu-
rity. How to achieve a sound knowledge, proper attitudes,
and successful sex relationships is the main purpose of this
discussion.

From a social point of view, sex is important because,
properly handled, it is the source of great happiness to mar-
ried people and the means whereby the quantity and quality
of the human population is increased. On the other hand,
the improper use of sex may lead to great individual conflict,
social problems of many kinds, and the breakdown of many
fine marriages.

Let us first recognize sex and human reproduction as
physical functions belonging to the field of biology. As such,
they have no ethical or social importance. They have no
more moral quality than eating, breathing, or sleeping. But,
wherever there exists any group of human beings, certain
sanctions and restrictions are set up which act as a means of
social control of this set of human relationships. The rela-
tionships of the sexes, male and female, are controlled by
this set of rules called the mores. It then becomes right or
wrong to do certain things in certain ways. Sexual behavior
and all the relationships of courting, engagement, marriage,
and the birth of children are largely social and more far
reaching than the purely biological. They involve psycho-
logical, social, and ethical values. Human reproduction is
not an individual matter in this sense. The lives of two
persons, two families and two generations, parents and
progeny are involved. Yet, the problems of sex and repro-
duction are, at the same time, highly individualized for
every couple. Success depends upon the intelligent handling
of this relationship.

SEX AS A FACTOR IN FAMILY LIFE 135

Men and Women Are Different

Everything that is bisexual reproduces its kind through
the association of two different cell types, i.e., male and fe-
male cells known, in human beings, as the sperm cell of the
male and the ova or egg cell of the female. While in flowers
the male pollen is scattered by the wind or carried by insects
to the female cell of the female plant, in human beings
direct physical contact between the man and woman is
necessary for reproduction or conception to occur. This
process of physical contact is called sexual intercourse,
copulation, and sometimes by other scientific or common
names.

While male and female are different in cell structure, in
metabolic rate, in glandular secretions, and, possibly, in
certain intellectual and emotional functions, we are con-
cerned here with their physical structural differences for the
purpose of sex function and reproduction.

The sex cells, male and female, are different. One, the
male, is motile, active, the aggressor, and instinctively
seeks its complement in the more inactive female cell.

What Men Should Know About Women

Women are different from men in many ways. They have
a different combination of chromosomes; their metabolism
is lower, blood temperature warmer, and heart rate faster;
their internal, glandular secretions tend to make the differ-
% ences between secretions of the ovaries and testicles; and
they are physically different. Women have breasts for
providing food for the young, and their specific organs of
reproduction are constructed for a different function than
that of the male. Women are functionally different. They
are built so that they can copulate, menstruate, and carry a
child through pregnancy to childbirth. All these physiologi-
cal differences may make for certain emotional and intellect-
ual differences, about which much less is known than about
their physical functioning. Women are expected to be dif-
ferent, live differently, and act differently because of many

136 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

traditional beliefs and attitudes we have in our society.
As a result, women and girls have been more protected,
allowed less freedom, kept ignorant of sex matters. These
social taboos have resulted, for many women, in ignorance
and lack of appreciation of their most important attribute,
and often in unwholesome attitudes as well.

What Women Should Know About Men

Men, as a rule, are less inhibited on matters of sex than
women. This is partly accounted for by differences in the
upbringing of boys and girls. Men are more aggressive in
their desire for sex contact.

On the other hand, many men are just as ignorant about
good sex practice, although less inhibited than women.
Their need for information and education is of ttimes covered
up by a false show of self-sufficiency. They do not want
their bride or anyone else to suspect their inadequacies.
As a consequence, they many times continue their bungling
methods. They seem to be more sensitive to criticism or to
being wrong than women. Man is the "big shot" in our
society; he is often pampered and spoiled by his mother and
sisters and finds it difficult to face any sense of inadequacy.
But once this protective shield is broken, he may become the
best of students of the subject and a thoroughly considerate
and understanding sex partner.

Beginning One's Sex Life After Marriage

There are three things necessary to insure satisfactory
sex adjustment knowledge, proper attitude, and experi-
ence. The condition of married life offers the best oppor-
tunity for practice. Previous and continuing attitudes
toward and about sex are a most important factor. They
condition every act, no matter what one's knowledge or
experience may have been.

i * What kind of information helps one make and carry on a
Satisfactory sex life?

i. Simple facts about the anatomy and physiology of one's
own reproductive system and that of one's mate.

SEX AS A FACTOR IN FAMILY LIFE 137

2. The consummation of marriage.

3. What to expect in the way of results.

4. One's own attitude about sex and the attitude of one's
partner.

When you start your married life, it is not always easy to
accustom yourself to intimacies with a person of the opposite
sex. If you have been a heavy "petter " and engaged in pre-
marital sex relations, then what is to follow may be of little
value to you. But the great majority of women and many
men who marry have not had sex relations prior to marriage.
Neither have they been free to discuss sex questions at home,
and only a few have discussed the matter in detail during
engagement. So, the initiation of the sex act in marriage
involves the breaking down of much shyness and embarrass-
ment through a slow process of becoming accustomed to
dressing and undressing, bathing, sleeping, and living with a
person of the opposite sex whom we love. To accomplish
this demands a certain amount of self-control on the part of
the man and no small courage on the part of the wife. Little
things which later are not very important may seem very
significant in this early, beginning stage of adjustment. A
good rule for a man to follow is that of trying to help make
this adjustment easy for his new bride, not be in too big a
hurry, and to keep his mind on satisfying and making his
bride happy, rather than sexually satisfying himself. An
ounce of patience and self-control at the outset will lead to
more than a pound of reward later on.

One may assume that any man or woman who marries has
some knowledge of his own reproductive system, but often
this is not true. If you do not know, find out, and, as you
live together, you will gradually come to know, not just facts
in general, but the particular facts about each other. Any
book can give general information but cannot take into
account the peculiar, individual characteristics of a Bill
Jones and Mary Smith who may marry.

In general, then, the following are the simple facts which
any young couple should know.

138

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Male and Female Sex Anatomy

Both male and female have external and internal organs
which are essential and important in the process of reproduc-
tion. The man has certain external organs which are shown
in Fig. 2. The organ used in actual copulation is called by
various common names, but is best known as the penis.

Bladder

Penis

Anus

Vas Vowper's Gland
Epididymis

I Meatus
Foreskin

Fig. 2. Male organs side view. (Adapted with permission from R. L.
Dickinson, Control of Conception, The Williams and Wilkins Company.)

The organ is usually soft and, because of the rush of blood
to that part of the body when thinking about sex preparatory
to intercourse, easily becomes stiff and rigid. The size of
the penis is not very important. Usually it is never too
large nor too small to function satisfactorily.

Just below, and attached to the lower part of the penis,
is a loose skin sack, like an appendage, called the scrotum.
Within this are two soft, tender, almond-shaped, fleshy
organs called testicles. In these are manufactured the male
germ cells (spermatozoa). As they escape from the testicles
they pass through a series of organs or canals called the

SEX AS A FACTOR IN FAMILY LIFE 139

epididymis and the vas def erens to a glandular sac named the
seminal vesicle. Here the male cell is joined by other secre-
tions and held in readiness for mixing with a fluid from the
prostate gland, forming the semen or seminal fluid.

The urethra, another tube which leads from the bladder
through the penis and serves ordinarily to pass the urine
secreted by the kidneys, also acts as the canal through which
the seminal fluid is ejaculated into the vagina of the female
during intercourse.

The woman's reproductive system is more complicated
than that of the man. As you examine Fig. 3 you will ob-
serve the external organs,
which are situated between
the thighs; and to the front of cntoris-
the anus. This elongated slit, l lfl " um

& ' labium

running from the upper front Meatus-
to the lower part of this por-

1 11

tion of the body, opens back
to each side easily. Beneath
these lips, or labia, you will Fi Z-3- External female

discover, toward the upper part gem ia "

of the groove, a small fleshy organ about the size of a large
pea, covered with a fold of skin. This is a very highly sensi-
tive organ called the clitoris. During intercourse this organ
becomes gorged with blood and is highly sensitive. Stimu-
lation of this organ in normal intercourse leads to what is
called an orgasm for the woman. The orgasm is the climax
and termination of the peak of sexual excitement.

Below the clitoris is a small opening from the bladder.
Below this is another opening, the entrance to the vagina,
partially covered by a thick skin, the hymen, which is
stretched or broken at time of first intercourse. The vagina
is the sheath which the male organ enters during intercourse
and into which it ejaculates the fluid containing male sper-
matozoa.

Figure 4 shows the position of the internal female organs
of reproduction. At the back or posterior end of the vaginal

140

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

canal, is the mouth of the womb or uterus. This has a small
opening through which the male sperms may pass and, from
this organ, then enter a tube running from the uterus to the
female ovary. It is here that conception or pregnancy
begins, if the male and female egg should meet.

The ovaries produce small cells called ova which, during
the month between menstrual periods, pass from the ovary

Bladder

ymphysis
Mons
Clitoris
Prepuce
Labium Minor
Labium Major
Hymen
Perineum

Fig. 4. Female organs side view. (Adapted with permission from R. L.
Dickinson, Control of Conception, The Williams and Wilkins Company.)

to the uterus by means of the Fallopian tube. If no male
sperm is there to meet it, it passes on down and deteriorates
and is sloughed off with the rest of the cell lining of the uterus
at the menstrual period.

The cell lining of the uterus prepares each month to
receive a fertilized egg which, if conception takes place,
attaches itself to the uterine wall and grows for nine months
into a human infant. In case no fertilized egg arrives, this
cell lining breaks down, deteriorates, and is discharged each
month as the menstrual flow.

The breasts of the woman are closely related to her sexual

SEX AS A FACTOR IN FAMILY LIFE 141

feelings and reproductive function. They supply milk for
the newborn infant and, by gentle stimulation, particularly
of the nipples, act as sensitive zones during the normal love
foreplay prior to actual intercourse. Briefly, this is the
reproductive process and the nature of you and your spouse.
The process of pregnancy and prenatal development of the
infant and his early care will be discussed in a later chapter.

Sex Practice During Marriage

Sex attitudes, as previously emphasized, are determined
by our early sex education at home, school, our associations
with other young people, and, to a degree, our religious
background. Those attitudes we bring to marriage with us.
Emotions of shame, disgust, fear, and guilt all tend to hinder
the normal sex adjustment.

Fears and inhibitions are common to both sexes. When
men marry they usually have had more experience with
masturbation than girls have had. (Masturbation is the
process of getting sexual stimulation by means of manual
manipulation of the penis or gently stroking the female
clitoris region.) Because they have been told of the harmful
mental effects of masturbation, they have some anxieties
about its effect upon their marriage.

Masturbation is a habit. Most men and many women
have practiced masturbation either as children or young
adults. It does not ordinarily, if practiced only a short time
as a young person or child, offset one's ability to marry and
carry on normal sexual relations. Prolonged and chronic
masturbation may build up mental attitudes which affect
one's ability to withhold ejaculation long enough to satisfy
one's partner or may lead to irritation of certain parts ol
the male reproductive mechanism.

The question of undesirable experiences is another source
of concern. It may have been a childhood sex episode of
intercourse one may have had prior to marriage. These
experiences, if they persist to bother one in memory, should
be talked over with a good counselor. They need not greatly

142 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

affect one's marital adjustment, but they may do so, if the
shock attending them was great enough. At the time of
first intercourse or for a short time after marriage, some men
are embarrassed either by ejaculation that comes too soon or
by getting an erection and losing it before making an entry.
Both man and woman should know that this often happens.
It takes weeks and sometimes months of experience and
practice, under the tense excitement of sexual conduct, to be
able to control the time of ejaculation. Some authorities
advise a longer time of preliminary lovemaking, so that the
female reaches an orgasm more quickly after entrance of the
penis into the vagina is made. This may work for many.
The prolonged foreplay sometimes makes it even more
difficult for some men to enter and proceed normally. Do not
worry, but practice mental self-control until you get the
desired result and make the kind of adjustment that suits
you both. The loss of erection may also be due to over-
excitation, and the thing to do is not to feel badly, but to
relax a little while and try again or wait until morning or the
next evening.

There is one point for all couples to remember. Every time
you have sex relations, it will be a new experience, no matter
how many times you have had them before. So many factors
affect this relationship that it can be said to be almost a barom-
eter of the harmony or disharmony in the other areas of your
married life. Conditions are different every time. You may
be more tired, there may be more people nearby, thus making
noise an inhibiting factor, you may have had a spat over a
mother-in-law or the monthly bills or one of a hundred other
things may affect the results? Having adequate time, so as
not to be hurried, and conditions free from interruption or
the anticipation of interruption are both good insurance
against unsatisfactory sex relations.

Another set of fears many newly married girls have has
to do with the proper response and attitude they have toward
their sex relations. Husbands often want sex relations more
frequently, at first, than most brides do.

SEX AS A FACTOR IN FAMILY LIFE 143

The rightness of mutual contact as to time, place, meth-
ods, and physical caresses and contacts cannot be overly
stressed. To become accustomed to these normal, physical
contacts is a part of the early sex adjustment in marriage.
A girl may think her husband is over-sexed at first, but usu-
ally, as she gains experience and her own sense of guilt and
shame about sex expression are overcome, her desire and
satisfaction will tend to equal that of her husband's, because
this is one of their most intimate ways of expressing their
love for each other. We do not love a person because
we have sexual relations with them; we have sex relations
because we love them and as an unselfish expression of that
love.

Frequency of intercourse is an individual matter. At first
couples usually want to be together more often, and it is not
uncommon for them to engage in intercourse daily or oftener.
As a rule, however, as they become more accustomed to
living together, intercourse is practiced from one to two times
a week. The frequency may vary so that some weeks they
may have intercourse three or four times and other weeks
none at all.

Some couples have intercourse during menstruation, but
this is an aesthetic and hygienic, rather than a physical,
problem. There seems to be no reason why they should not
if they care to. The same holds true of intercourse during
pregnancy. It may not be advised the first two or three
months, but between the end of the third to the sixth month
it can be practiced with reasonable safety. However, con-
stilt the obstetrician caring for you during pregnancy in
each particular case.

Planned Parenthood

Many couples wish to use some form of contraception
to space their children. There are many kinds condoms,
douche, jellies, pessaries, and so on none of which are
100 per cent safe. The best advice can be had by the couple's
going to a reputable physician, preferably a gynecologist.

144 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

If you are a Catholic, you should seek advice along this line
from a physician or have a priest refer you to the proper
person for advice on how to practice the rhythm for your
particular menstrual cycle.

Abortion is dangerous. While there are thousands per-
formed every year, they are done under secretive and illegal
conditions which make the risk to life greater. If pregnant,
and for some health reason you feel you cannot give birth
to a child, consult a good physician. It is always good prac-
tice to go to an obstetrician when you think you are preg-
nant and stay under his care throughout pregnancy until
the baby arrives. You get better care in the long run, and
it usually costs no more.

When Problems Arise

When problems of sex adjustment arise in marriage they
usually are due to (i) unfavorable attitude toward sex
which involves unresolved fears, anxieties, and insecurities
about the sex relations between husband and wife and about
the sex education and behavior of their children; (2) a gross
ignorance about sex, inadequate and incomplete sex educa-
tion; (3) conflict over courtship and engagement practices;
(4) specific marital sex difficulties, including such items as
fear of pregnancy, lack of responsiveness, differences in
response of husband and wife, frequency of coitus, husband's
idea of sex technique and practice, and the kind and use of
contraceptives; or, most important of all, (5) conflicts in
other matters which are reflected in sex responsiveness.

If you feel that your sex adjustment is not what it should
be, do not let it get worse. Find a good counselor at once,
let him aid you in finding out where the trouble lies and help
you to do something about it. If you do not know a person
from whom to seek advice, consult a physician, your re-
ligious counselor, your family welfare department, or write
to your state department of public health. One of these
sources should be able to find the right counselor for you.

CHAPTER X

PARENTS AND IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS

1 ' How can we divide our holidays between our two families
in a satisfactory manner? What if the mother of an only
son cries if 75 per cent of the time is not spent with her?"

"What can be done about my wife's mother, who persists
in taking over the responsibility of raising the children?"

Our parents, or those who become in-law parents, can
make or break a marriage. They exert a powerful influence
on our lives from infancy until death. The wise parents help
us to "grow up," to mature and become self-sufficient, so
that we are not handicapped by fear and guilt when we make
our own decisions.

Over-domination by our parents seems to be one of the
most usual problems of relationships in the family. This may
be due to many things. Fathers often feel that we should
obey instantly any whim or wish. They often believe that
physical punishment is the best method of control. As a
result, we have in many homes a system whereby the mother
goes as far as she can in child management, and then the
father is called in when more brute strength is needed. In
this respect he is sort of a policeman who administers the
rod, when mother is at the end of her rope.

On the other hand, many mothers find in their children a
love object, which takes the place of a diminishing, affec-
tional relationship between her and her husband. She lives
her life for and through her children with the result that
they become crippled in their growth toward maturity. They
find it unusually hard to leave home, or else they may resent

145

146 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

family "love" and domination and break from the family
at an early age with an undue amount of hostility toward
their family.

In other cases, a father may undertake to make his son
into the kind of person he himself always wanted to be but
did not become. Often this is evidenced in pushing the boy
into a type of vocational pursuit for which he has no interest
nor aptitude.

Parents also often interfere too much with the choices
which children make in their friends and especially with the
girl or boy whom they choose to marry. After marriage
fathers, as well as mothers, attempt to "hold on" to their
children by money contributions, gifts, nagging, depreciating
the child's mate, and by trying to dominate every detail of
their home and family life. Of course, this may be done by
brothers or sisters, aunts or uncles and grandparents, as well
as by one's parents. What is important here is the fact that
the "in-law" problem is an outgrowth of the kind of parent-
child relationships that each person in a marriage has been
exposed to.

After marriage we all still feel a certain love for, and
obligation to, our parents and often find it difficult to main-
tain the dual role of dependence upon our old home and inde-
pendence in the new one. Both revolt and guilt are likely to
be experienced in trying to reconcile the two.

Too often we never fully realize when the offending parent
is our own mother or father. This is clearly shown in the
following excerpt from the first year of marriage of one young
couple, whose only basic conflict arose over parental attach-
ment on the part of each. (13)

"About the third danger point, the in-law situation, we didn't
have so much to say. Which might, I suppose, have been a warn-
ing.

" I did say a little dubiously that I supposed it would have been
easier if we hadn't been going to live quite so close to Tom's
mother. Tom seemed really surprised at that, assured me that his
mother thought I was swell and that, anyway, she'd never be the
interfering kind of mother-in-law. Then he surprised me just as

PARENTS AND IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS 147

much as I had him by saying that he wished he weren't working
for my father. I couldn't understand that. I could have, of course,
if Dad had been like some men. But I knew Dad approved of Tom,
both in a business way and as a husband for me. And, besides, I
knew how very sympathetic a person Dad is. He seemed the last
person in the world who would ever make trouble for any son-in-
law. Moreover, Tom and I both felt that in-law trouble was sort
of funny-paper stuff and that well-bred people could avoid it just
by being kind and tactful.

"Tom commenced stopping in to see his mother a few minutes
every afternoon on his way home from the office. I felt that I
oughtn't mind it, but I did. . . . Then I soon realized that Bess
well, it wasn't exactly that she was criticizing me to Tom, but she
was always giving him little suggestions that ' would be better for
both of us.' And I knew, too, that she must have suggested to him
that it would be more tactful if they seemed to come to me as his
own ideas. That's the sort of subtle method that would never have
occurred to Tom in a million years.

"It might have worked all right if I'd been a dumb bunny, but
I'd have had to be a pretty dumb one not to have seen through it.
Tom would look at some new curtains I'd just made and that I'd
seen Bess glancing at that morning, and would say sort of casually:
'Wouldn't it have been a good idea to have had that material
shrunk before you made it up?'

"Naturally it didn't take any Sherlock Holmes to recognize
Bess' fine Italian hand back of that question. Tom doesn't know
any more about curtain-making than he does about milking rein-
deer. And when the first time I washed the curtains they did
shrink so that I couldn't use them any more, I felt some way mad
at both Tom and his mother about it.

" Bess would glance up from planting sweet peas in her yard of a
spring morning and see me on our porch, putting Tom's heavy suit
away in a moth bag. That evening Tom would say, ' Oh, hon, I
don't believe those moth bags you bought are the safest kind.
There's another brand that seals much tighter.'

'And so on all such petty trifles that I was ashamed of the
way they bothered me. But there were dozens and dozens and
dozens of them. It was like mosquitoes. When I'd complain of
any one to Tom, he would say oh, that wasn't worth worrying
about as indeed, just by itself, it seldom was.

"I don't know how things might have worked out if it hadn't
been for a totally unexpected break of luck. Tom came home with
the news that he'd been offered a job in the firm's Denver branch
office, a thousand miles away.

148 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

" It suddenly seemed to me that I might even make Tom under-
stand how I felt about his mother. Tom must have been having
the same sort of feeling, because suddenly, before I had time to
speak, he did.

" 'Listen, Bunny,' he said, holding me very tightly, 'please don't
get sore at what I'm going to say. Because I don't know just
how to say it, but I mean it right; honestly, I do. You won't
get sore, will you ? '

" I promised that I wouldn't. And then Tom told me something
that almost knocked me off the love seat with sheer amazement.
The reason he was gladdest about the new job was that it would
take us such a long way from my family.

11 ' It's such dinky little things,' he explained, 'that I hate to tell
'em to you. Things like , oh, like when I got that raise in July.
You kept saying how grand it was of your father, how he'd written
to the home office praising my work, how he was going to push me
right ahead just as fast as I could possibly go. It was all true
but well, you see, I'd worked like a dog for that raise and I felt
I'd earned it entirely on my own. And it sounds fluky to say it,
but I couldn't help feeling that if I'd been working for a stranger,
you'd have been thinking how good I was instead of how kind the
boss had been.'

"'Oh, Tom!' I fairly gasped. Of course, that's just what I
should have felt if Tom's boss had been anybody but my father.
'That's absolutely true. I was dead wrong about it, wrong and
mean to you! But I honestly never thought of your feeling that
way. Why didn't you tell me ? '

"Only half of me was really Tom's wife; the other half was still
trying to stay the little girl in her own family. Still feeling that
having her parents understand and approve of her was the most
important thing in the world; that the way they did everything,
from believing in God to having pancakes for Sunday-morning
breakfast was, for some mysterious reason that mustn't even be
questioned, the only way to do.

" Our going to Denver is going to make things easier for us. Not
only by removing the daily irritations that come to Tom through
working for Dad, but to me through living so close to Bess. Much
more valuable than that, we'll be forced to turn just to each other
because there won't be anybody else within a thousand miles to
turn to. That may be hard at the minute, but it'll be all to the
good in the long run. And I'm going to remember that lots of
young people don't get such breaks as we had, that plenty of them
have to work out their difficulties right under their parents' roof.
I'll remember, too, that a good many of these do work it out."

PARENTS AND IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS

149

In this case we see not only the unconscious and well
meaning acts of each parent, as he tried to be helpful to this
young couple, but also the degree to which each child was
still dependent and leaning on his parents after his marriage
was underway. At the risk of tedious repetition, it may be
well to point out again the importance of acquiring a balance
in living which was discussed earlier. When mothers and

fathers devote some of their love and energy to each other,
some to the care and training of their children, and some to
a wide variety of interests and outlets, both related and un-
related to their primary responsibility to their home life,
their own need to absorb an undue amount of the maturing
child's affection and obedience is minimized. The satisfac-
tion of the parent's own need for love, security, new experi-
ence, and other creative experiences, does not have to be
directed entirely toward his children, nor do the children feel
crippled and hemmed about by undue possessiveness on the
part of the parent.

Handling Parental Relationships

The first essential in handling one's relationship with
either parental family is for the young couple to sit down

150 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

and talk over what they want in the way of family routines,
recreation, child education and training, and other matters.
They must come to some common understanding as to what
kind of family life they want for themselves. After deciding
upon each issue as it arises, then it is the responsibility of
the husband to talk over with his parent or parents the
decisions they have made, and of the wife to talk over with
her mother or father these same decisions, if it is her folks
who are interfering with their family happiness. We often
evade the matter, of actually taking the responsibility for
making it clear to our own parents that they must accede
to the way of life which we as a couple have decided upon,
and the plans we may make from time to time. Let me
illustrate this. A young couple were very happily married,
but for the fact that the husband's mother insisted that they
spend every holiday with her. Both husband and wife
wanted to have their own home celebrations occasionally
and also go to the home of the wife's parents. This seems a
simple matter, but the husband was not able to go to his
mother and tell her what he and his wife had decided to do.
Instead he would evade the issue and leave his wife to try
and work out the embarrassing situation with her mother-
in-law. The job was his, not his wife's. If the offending
party had been the wife's mother then it would have been
her responsibility. Mary is no longer Mrs. Smith's little
girl, nor is John any longer Mrs. Jones' little boy. You are
now Mr. and Mrs. John Jones. You are establishing a home
for your own happiness and in order to achieve for your-
selves certain long-term objectives of, possibly, home owner-
ship, children, success in a job, accepted social status,
insurance for old age and others.

Each issue should be decided in this manner and in terms
of your future.

Often there is economic necessity to explain the presence
of in-laws in the home. The parents of husband and wife
have not been able to become economically independent,
they must live somewhere, the child or children cannot

PARENTS AND IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS 151

afford to maintain a separate home for them, and the only
answer is for them to live in the same household. There is
obvious need for more sympathetic understanding of this
problem and the development of means by which parents,
living in their children's homes, may find interesting outlets
for themselves, and achieve a greater understanding of their
role in their children's homes. Older people in the family
need to feel important and should develop interests, outlets,
and activities which will enhance the spirit and purpose of
family life.

If one is economically self-supporting, it is always advan-
tageous to start married life living apart from either parental
home. Distance helps a couple to work out their own prob-
lems rather than depend upon mother or father to make
decisions for them.

A second aspect of the in-law problem is the competition
between the wife and the husband's mother. Until her son's
marriage, the mother feels she is first in his life and assumes
great responsibility for his welfare. Then, suddenly, another
woman is first with him and assumes, in most respects, what
was formerly the mother's role. The mother then feels that
she is no longer needed, while the wife feels that her mother-
in-law is a threat to her. This competitive situation seems
to be met if the husband makes the wife feel that she is first
because she has the unique relation of wifehood to him. At
the same time, he should persuade his mother to recognize
the fact. The whole situation reflects the extent to which the
mother has helped her son to mature and to become inde-
pendent of family protection, while she, at the same time,
has found other interests for herself.

Summary

As we grow from infancy (the period when we are more
or less cherished objects), through childhood (when we are
real competitors in the family, competing for the love and
affection of mother and father and our brothers and sisters
for the material things of life), to late adolescence (when we

152 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

should have learned to bs participants in family affairs), the
habit of talking things over with our parents should be de-
veloped. Parents do not have to be " Hitlers," except in
making certain decisions in our early lives. If -this mutual
love and mutual confidence is developed, we will go to our
parents for advice and respect it. If our parents are continu-
ally clubbing us, either verbally or actually, we will go else-
where for counsel.

Our parents love us, are proud of our successes and sorry
when we fail. We should, when possible, seek their advice
when we need it and try to raise our own children in such a
way that they will be the right kind of in-laws when they
marry.

CHAPTER XI

RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVING MONEY

Sufficiency of Income

There is a common saying that no matter how much
money a person makes he never has enough. This is almost
literally true when one studies the results of research.
Families in the economic income class of from $5,000 to
$10,000 per year have as many financial difficulties as those
in the $1,800 to $2,500 income class. The basic problem of
economic stability is usually not the amount of income one
receives, but the amount of excess spending one does over
and above that income.

There is, of course, the problem, which faces many fami-
lies, of actual low income in relation to cost of living. In
periods of financial depression, thousands of individuals are
out of work and have to look to public relief for the means of
livelihood. In normal times, the majority of those gainfully
employed are earning under $2,000 per year. The problem
of low income and that of irregular income, due to unem-
ployment, are economic questions which do not concern us
here. We are more concerned with the individual family
problem of financial management.

Division of Labor between Husband and Wife

The most important factors in money management are
honesty as to income and expenditure, agreement as to what
things the money is to be used for, and a suitable division
of responsibility between^ husband and wife in the handling
of the family's money.

153

154 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

When two individuals quarrel over the fact that the hus-
band got a bonus of $50 and did not tell his wife about it,
and she got a gift of $25 from her mother which she did not
tell her husband about, there is no basis for sound, financial
management. The entire basis of their personal relationship
needs to be examined. This is no money problem. It is a
human relations problem. There are, of course, many dif-
ferent patterns used in families for handling finances. There
is the joint planning method, the dole method, the allowance
method, and many others. The system which facilitates the
highest degree of satisfaction for any couple is the plan to
use. If a man enjoys keeping his income a secret and giving
his wife money only when she asks for it, and the wife enjoys
this plan, there seems no good reason to change. There are
other families where the wife has a certain planned allowance
each week or month, and she pays certain parts of the
family's expenses from that, whereas the husband pays the
remaining bills. Examples of these methods are given in the
following excerpts from the cases of the Beatties and Cava-
naugh families, showing how each tried to work out his
problem.

THE BEATTIES

"After her marriage Mrs. Beattie was very worried about being
kept in ignorance of family finances, since in her own home these
things had been discussed quite frankly, and, during the period
that she was teaching, the distribution of her salary was entirely
her own. 'Mr. Beattie has the idea that money worries belong
entirely to the man in the family and that it is up to him to worry
about these things and not me. I have reached the point that I
feel that it is best to comply with my husband's wishes in this
matter and not to make an issue of it. At present I know that we
have nothing and so buy only the absolute essentials. ' " (14)

THE CAVANAUGHS

" ' Mr. Cavanaugh handles all the money and " I am to see that
we don't spend it." ' She laughed and said that this was probably
a funny way that he wanted to handle it and yet she was prob-
ably more conscious of careful spending than he. They charge
most of their groceries. Most of their things are paid by check and

RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVING MONEY 155

her husband writes the checks. She does not have any money for
her own and when she needs it ' I have to inveigle money out of him
for spending. This bothers me a little because, whenever I do ask
for money and then need some again very soon, he will say:
"What on earth did you do with the money I gave you? I don't
see how you could use it all. ' ' ' The client says when getting money
from her husband she has to be pretty sure of his attitude and the
right time. ' I generally have to get him at the first of the month
and when he feels in a good humor. This bothers me a little bit but
not to any great extent. I try to be careful in spending but would
like to have an allowance of my own.' " (15)

The following examples of money management in the
Johnson and Holt families illustrate the plan of joint control
and show some of the effects this plan had in the case of
the Holts.

THE JOHNSON FAMILY FINANCIAL PLAN

The case of the Johnson family shows what can be done when
an entire family cooperates in the planning of its activities together:

'"Often when our children were small they were disappointed
because their father had to go to work when they wanted him to
stay and play. In order to justify his leaving, I would say, "Dad
has to work to earn our bread and butter/' Later one time when
our young son was overloading his cereal with sugar, I said, " That's
too much sugar, child. When it's all gone, Dad will have to buy
more." He thought a bit. "Mother," he said, "I know Dad has
to earn the bread and butter, but does he have to earn the sugar
too?"

41 'Since the beginning of our family life we have kept accurate
accounts and budgets. We now have set up a family council that
we call Johnson and Johnson. We have a formal meeting once a
month. We have officers and keep'a record book. The aim of this
organization is to discuss all kinds of family problems. We are try-
ing to get away from adult domination by considering the view-
points of the children as important as those of the adults. We listed
our income on a month's basis. Children cannot grasp an income
on a yearly basis so well. Then we listed our "musts." By sub-
tracting the "Bread and Butter" from our income, we had the
"Sugar." It was a revelation to the children to see how large a
percentage of our income went for "Bread and Butter."

"'We had a frank discussion of personal allowances, individual
contributions in time and energy for the privilege of belonging to

156 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

the corporation, ways of earning money in the family, kinds of jobs
and basis of payment, and many other things that have contributed
greatly in developing a happy family unit.

"' Clothes were not listed in our "musts." We realize that
clothes can be a big or smaller item. We make a clothes plan for
each individual at the beginning of the year. We then try to buy
out of season because we can get better materials and better color
satisfactions for less. We also make some things because we can
have more for our money than with buying moderate-priced ready-
mades. So far the children do their clothes account on a credit
basis. I act only as purchasing agent.

" ' May I show how this council plan works ? We decided to take
an Easter trip. The question was : Given an amount of money and
four days, what shall we do ? Shall we go deluxe, hotels, tea-rooms,
etc., or shall we go farther, see more, and stay at tourist homes,
and eat at cafeterias and lunch counters ? We decided on the lat-
ter. We had a grand trip. We came home with four dollars, part
of which we spent for Snow White music.

"'Another question: Shall we buy summer rugs and curtains
for the living room or shall we screen the front porch ? There were
many pros and cons based on estimates for the various items. We
bought the summer rugs and curtains and are happy over our
decision.

"'We feel that in frankly talking over the amount of money
that is available for "Bread and Butter" as well as "Sugar," we
are getting immediate interest, understanding, and satisfaction,
We are also hoping that we may be helping these young Americans
to develop a philosophy of life that will be a satisfaction to them
and to other lives they may contact.' " (16)

A CHANGE IN FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENTS

"Mr. Holt had for several years gone on the basis that the
responsibility for all expenditures in the family was his. The effect
of a change to a more democratic procedure is shown by the follow-
ing statement made by the husband in a recent interview. He says :

"'You have suggested for me a willingness to agree to extra
spending where Mrs. Holt desired it. In decorating and painting
our house, my wife was keenly interested in extra money for more
expensive paper and to do a more artistic job. So we followed her
plans and I find the result most attractive and she is very happy
about it. Then again, I proposed that we should make a change in
the manner in which all extra expenses are met ; that we should do
away with the idea of myself as the sole guardian of our savings

RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVING MONEY 157

against raids and instead substitute the notion of full rights to each
of us, and if at any time she wished to buy something as an extra,
I should not have to be consulted. She said she had waited for
years for this to come from me voluntarily; that the lack of it was
probably a reason for her notions of " trying to get things out of
me; " that she might do some silly things at first but that it would
all work out very well.' " (17)

Conditions differ in families. In some, the husband is away
a great deal, in others the income may be a fluctuating one
or uncertain, as in the professional family, and in still others
there may be a steady salary to be planned for. In every
case, the division of responsibility should be allocated in
accordance with the time and ability of the persons. A wife
may be the best person to manage the family income if she
has had previous professional experience, or if she is, by
temperament, best qualified. The barrier most often to joint
planning and management is the cultural pattern in the back-
ground from which each has been reared. The man's ego
may be so sensitive that he must dominate the entire money
situation, or the wife may have become so accustomed to a
pattern of nagging and quarreling over money in her own
home that she will do anything to keep peace in the family.

The Budget

Money management is often given as the most difficult
problem in homemaking, and the one that causes most
worry. Some of the reasons why this might be true, accord-
ing to experienced homemakers, are:

Income not large enough. Lack of cooperation between
Income irregular or uncertain. * members of family.
Money not available when Difficulty over who shall con-
needed, trol the money.
Lack of planning ahead. Differences in attitudes about
Lack of good buymanship. money.
No margin for emergencies. Differences in judgment of val-
Underestimation of expendi- ues in things purchased.

tures. Period in the family cycle

Overestimation of income. what demands are made and

Too many fixed expenses. what preparation has been

made for them.

158

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Budgeting or planning is one way to eliminate some of
these worries, and to see the financial picture more clearly.
The budget can never tell one what to want nor what to
spend one's money for. It can, however, be a helpful tool in
aiding one to do with his money what he wants to do with
it. A study of the budgets of any family over a period of
years is a fair index of the basic values which that family
holds to be important. Often a couple will want help on how

to draw up a budget. This would no doubt be helpful to
them, but it is not the answer to their problem. Take, for
example, a young woman who grew up in a home where she
had practically no experience in buying or in housekeeping
activities, and where the income was $20,000 a year. She
was to marry a young graduate student who had a job in a
small college at a starting salary of $1,800 a year. This
young woman wanted a budget. She did not know what
the clothes she wore cost, had never cooked a meal in her
life, and never shopped for food or anything else, and she
thought a budget would solve her problem. What she will
have to learn is how to live on $1,800 a year when she has
been accustomed to a $20,000 standard of living at home,
how to buy, how to economize and do without, how to plan,
manage, and learn to love it, along with her husband. These
are personal adjustments no budget can solve.

RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVING MONEY 159

Take another couple who wanted help on a budget. The
wife was earning $150 a month and the husband $250 a
month. They seemed unable to live on his income and save
all of hers. While there were points of economy which a
budget was helpful in bringing to their attention, the basic
problem was conflict over the values for which their money
was to be spent. For example, the husband complained that
the wife ought to be able to get along without a telephone,
since they both worked, whereas the wife thought that, since
they had a full time maid for the cleaning, meals, and laun-
dry, the husband ought to let her do his shirts instead of
insisting that they be sent out. The telephone cost $30 a
year and so did the extra laundering of his shirts. They
rented a summer cottage, which the husband liked, and they
spent $150 for a vacation trip, which the wife wanted. Each
wanted the other to give up the thing that the other liked,
in order to balance the budget. This, as you again can see,
is no money problem, nor is it a budget problem. It is a
struggle for domination a personality conflict between
husband and wife.

It would naturally seem that the couples who have small
or irregular incomes would have a harder problem to get
money to work as they wish, but it depends so much on the
individuals' ability to plan ahead, to limit wants, to get
their money's worth, whether or not the income is "enough."
Some couples never have enough and are always behind,
while others have a wonderful time on much less. Just as
planning is important to housekeeping and meal provision,
so planning is a key to success in solving money problems.
Ready-made plans or schemes for accounting and budgeting
seldom fit individual cases, so need not be considered here.
All one really needs is a dozen sheets of paper and a pencil.
Use a sheet for each month. On this sheet write down every-
thing you can think of that will have to be bought or paid
for in that month. Estimate amounts that you canilot
definitely give. Be sure to allow for medical and dental care,
and emergencies. For example:

160 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

JULY -1943

Pood $30.00

Rent 30.00

Gas 1.50

Light 2.00

Bonds 37.50

Church 4.00

Insurance 18.00

Shoes (Jane) 6.50

Clothing (Jane and John) .... 15.00

Emergency savings 10.00

$178.50

Be sure each month's outgo has enough income, either from
that month or from the previous month's savings. In this
way one can see clearly what will be due, and whether one
can meet all demands and so make provision for them. An
easy way to keep accounts is to write the actual figure for
the items beside the planned figure. Accounts alone are of
little value except to estimate future expenses. Every home-
maker should have a special place to keep financial papers,
such as plans, receipts, bills, etc., so that these can easily
be found when needed.

Regardless of the amount of the income, each person
should have some part, even though small, which is his own
to spend as he will, without accounting. This practice gives
a sense of freedom to even the most restricted scale of living.

Extra Economic Responsibilities

There may come times when one needs to assume an un-
expected responsibility for a relative, face a period of pro-
longed illness or unemployment or the debts of the husband
or wife. All of these can be partially offset through various
forms of savings, investment, and insurance, but many times
the reverse is so great, that one must go deeply in debt or
begin from scratch again after ten years of hard work.
There is no way to avoid Visk. One can, however, reduce
risk by intelligent and cooperative planning and handling of
his financial affairs, including his wants.

RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVING MONEY 161

Laying By (or the Future

Planning one's financial future is a difficult task at any
time. Twenty-five years ago everyone was trying to get
rich quick in the stock market. In 1929, nearly everyone
who got rich quick, along with many others, went broke in
the crash and years of depression which followed. Prom
1932 to 1936, there was widespread unemployment, and
people were looking for ways of providing economic security
for themselves. Social legislation was passed by Congress
allowing for unemployment compensation and old age social
security benefits. A new step had been taken by govern-
ment in the interest of economic security for the masses.
Today we are at war. There has been a marked increase in
wages for most classes of the population, but an even more
rapid rise in the cost of living. The average young man is
in the army and has little opportunity to make the usual
kind of plans for his financial future. If we allow unre-
stricted inflation, which will benefit those who have large
investments in property and common stocks, the great
majority of the population will suffer. If prices, wages, and
costs are controlled, we stand a better chance of living com-
fortably and investing some of our earnings for the future.
What future conditions will be, no one seems to know. It
will be necessary for every couple to acquaint themselves
with changing conditions and to gauge their economic plan-
ning accordingly.

The rules for sound, financial planning vary with the direc-
tion the price level is tending, but over a long period of time
one can feel relatively safe in investing a certain amount of
surplus over actual necessary living costs in government
bonds. Next in line for protection of one's family is a reason-
able amount of life insurance, selected to meet your needs.
These needs will change as you grow older and your children
mature, so your life insurance plan should be reviewed occa-
sionally to see if it needs changing. A third investment is
property, especially a home for oneself if engaged in the
type of occupation or living in a type of community where

162 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

owning a home is practical and desirable. Beyond these
three items, one's planning for future economic security will
be determined by one's ideals, the amount of additional
money one has to invest, and other factors. As to methods
of spending, it is generally wise to pay up any outstanding
debts and limit drastically the taking on of any additional,
long-time obligations. Cash buying is usually cheaper than
buying on long-term credit. Charge accounts for some indi-
viduals lead them to excess spending.

Summary

The important aspect of the money problem is its signifi-
cance as a point of agreement or conflict between husband
and wife. The differing experiences with money and differ-
ing patterns and standards of economic life of the husband
and wife enter into conflicts in this area, as does the struggle
for personal dominance. In the beginning of marriage, there
are two sets of values and two competing sets of desires for
the things which money commands, those of the husband
and the wife, as well as differences between them in ideas
about handling money. The conflict between husband and
wife over money is one of divergent personality strivings,
values, and roles. It is not always money, in itself, that con-
stitutes the problem, but rather the question of how money
is to be spent, and who is to make the decision about its use.

CHAPTER XII

MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME
RELATIONSHIPS

A family's resources are their collective time, energy,
money, and personal qualities. If they know how to put
these to work, a family group can do much toward getting
what they want out of life. To be sure, each family and its
home is unique. There is no other just like it in the world.
Two unique individuals, each with his own particular back-
ground, ideals, and goals, have founded the home and in
their way are striving toward their goals for themselves and
setting up goals for their children.

Even though each home is unique, all homes and families
have much in common. In the early years of marriage, all
couples go through a period of learning to live together,
experimenting with ways of handling money and of dividing
responsibility. All families with children go through years
of habit training, concern over behavior, and times of strug-
gle, to set the child on his own feet as an adult. All fathers
and mothers experience the sometimes difficult period of
replanning their lives after the children are reared.

Making a home, then, is a job which changes as the years
pass. It is a job that calls for constant alertness. It can
never grow stale or boring if the husband and wife keep the
purpose of the home in mind. A home may be made any-
where in a mansion, a cottage, a flat, or a trailer. It is
not a place, but a relationship, an atmosphere.

Each bride and her husband come to the new job of home-
making with a desire to make the same kind of a home in

163

164 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

which each grew up, if those childhood homes were happy;
but if they were not happy, then there is a desire to create
something different. What the wife wants and what the
husband wants may also vary, but reconciling the two and
creating a new structure is part of the adjustment during
courtship and early marriage . Every young man and woman
should realize that homes do not just grow, like Topsy, but
that real homes are fashioned after a plan, constantly nurtured
and occasionally checked up on to see how they are develop-
ing, how they are fulfilling their purpose. And what is the
purpose of a home? Briefly, to make the people in it happy
individuals. Happiness comes only from purposeful living.
So what we do in our homes should stand the test of, "How
does this contribute to the happiness and wholesome growth
of the members of this family?"

Every young man and woman should realize that, in the
job of homemaking, many skills are necessary, certain
attitudes are indispensable, and other personal character-
istics are desirable. Even in the most modest home and at
the very beginning of family life, somebody has to know how
to prepare food, keep the house orderly, see to the laundry,
wash the dishes, do the shopping, take care of the furnish-
ings, and do the mending. In addition to these minimum
essentials, a wife, sooner or later, has to know how to handle
the sick, the weary, or the discouraged mate. She will be
expected to be able to meet his every mood and have none
but pleasant ones herself. She must at all times be ready
to be his companion, ready to make adjustments in her own
work to take care of emergencies. She must be a manager,
a worker, a companion, an adviser, and a sweetheart, all in
one. In return for this, she deserves appreciation from her
husband. It behooves him to make her feel that being a
homemaker is a grand job, and that he is proud of her. He
must realize that, while he gets satisfaction and approval
from his fellow workers and superiors, she works alone and
has only him to look to for approval. Her status comes
largely from her husband.

MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELATIONSHIPS 165

Since every bride has chosen to be a homemaker, she
should do her best. She should see in homemaking a great
work which cannot be delegated to someone else, and an
intangible atmosphere that grows out of many little acts.

"The common tasks are beautiful if we
Have eyes to see their shining ministry . . .
A woman with her eyes and cheeks aglow,
Watching a kettle, tending a scarlet flame,
Guarding a little child there is no name
For this great ministry. But eyes are dull
That do not see that it is beautiful;
That do not see within the common tasks
The simple answer to the thing God asks
Of any child, a pride within His breast :
That at our given work we do our best."

Grace Noll Crowell (18)

Homemaking can be fun, adventure, and joy when each
family member does his part. Homemaking is essentially
a woman's job, and she must expect to carry the greater
share of the job. Husbands should realize, however, that
they will miss much pleasure if they cannot or do not share
in home activities, be it ever so little. It is also well for a
man to be able to do a few things about the house, in case of
emergencies. If the husband is also a father, his participa-
tion and attitudes affect the children greatly and make it
more or less easy to train them to take part in the activities
of the home. Every family has to decide WHAT to do, WHEN
to do it, HOW to do it, and WHO shall do it. If all concerned
have a voice in the planning, it is usually easier to carry out
the plan.

Even with planning and sharing there are bound to be
some hard spots in every homemaker 's day. There are things
she dislikes to do, jobs that tire her, things that worry her,
situations that irritate her. Some experienced homemakers
say, "Oh, if we could just do away with fatigue, worry, and
irritation, home would be a happy place." Before these
things can be done away with, we must search for their
causes. What causes tiredness, irritation, worry?

166 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Tiredness may spring from physical and mental causes or
a combination of them. It may be due to poor health, which
may come from lack of nutritious food, lack ot rest or
recreation or attention to some minor ailment. Tiredness
may be due to poor attitudes. If one is not happy as a home-
maker, the job may grow monotonous and boring. If there
is strain and tension in the family, it shows up in fatigue and
irritability. Unless one is fairly skillful in doing the work of
the house, there may be a great waste of time and energy, so
that one becomes unnecessarily tired. Sometimes, home-
makers get into poor posture habits. They lean over sinks,
tables, and ironing boards that are too low. They sit on
stools that give no support to the back. They rest in chairs
that are entirely unsuited to healthful sitting. They allow
their shoulders to droop forward, their abdomens to protrude,
and their chins to drop. All this muscular sagging and
drooping contributes to tiredness. Poor grooming may be
a factor in fatigue. Who does not feel better after a bath,
a fresh dress, and a bit of powder? Housecoats and bedroom
slippers are not good costume for housework, from either a
health or safety angle. It may be there is too much noise in
the home. Blaring radios and street noises affect some people
greatly. Or, perhaps, the lighting is poor. There may be
too glaring light, or the whole place may be too dark, or
perhaps there are several small lamps about, so that the eye
must constantly be adjusting from light to dark. Little
children usually play on the floor, and it is not uncommon
to see Mother or Father reading under a bright light, while
Johnny plays in a dark corner or strains his eyes reading in
some poorly lighted spot. Let there be light! in the right
places.

One of the common causes of weariness is hurry. Sleeping
too late in the morning, a homemaker gets a late start; she
plans more than she can do; she is behind all day; she stays
up late at night. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Maybe there is too
much to do sometimes. If so, do away with some of it.

If a homemaker is really interested in not being tired, she

MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELATIONSHIPS 167

can find many little ways of saving energy. One of the
simplest of these is by body position or posture. If one is
resting, lie down instead of sitting. It takes about four
times as much energy to sit quietly as to lie down. If possible
sit down to do certain tasks. It takes about three times as
much energy to stand as to sit. But whether standing or
sitting, one should try to keep the body straight. With
every bit of added bending, stooping, or drooping, extra
energy is used.

Other ways of saving energy may be:

1. Teach each person to care for personal possessions.
Have easy places for them to keep things. Temporary
places may have to be devised. Husbands can hang
up their own pajamas and put their laundry in the
proper place, etc.

2. Dovetail jobs. Prepare food for more than one meal
at a time. Many small jobs can be done while waiting.

3. Arrange your equipment and cupboards more conven-
iently. Try out different arrangements until you find
one that saves the most steps and motions.

4. Standardize your work. Do it the best way for you.
After you find a good way to do a job, do it that way.
It saves strain. There is no one best way for everyone
to do a job.

5. Use simpler standards. Use simpler meal service, fewer
dishes, clothing that requires less care, fewer objects
about that need dusting and cleaning.

6. Plan work better. Alternate light and heavy jobs.
Schedule the heavy jobs over fewer hours. Do not
try to clean the house and do the laundry the same
day. Leave long enough time for big jobs to make
good use of the warming up period, the period of
greatest efficiency and lag of effort. Take, for example,
ironing. It usually takes quite a long time. Plan on a
long time. Begin with easy articles. After you get
warmed up to the task, attack the shirts and harder

168 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

things. Then, as you begin to get tired, iron some
more of the easy things. The tendency is usually to
leave the hardest for the last, and then they seem still
harder.

7. Avoid hurry. Do not plan so much for the day that
interruptions upset you.

8. Have definite rest periods.

9. Plan definite routines for the day, week or longer.

10. Do be flexible. Every homemaker must be able to
change her plan of work to meet emergencies. Some-
times she cannot do the job as well as she would like.
Remember the three ways to dust. Some days you
get into every nook and cranny. Other days you
must be content with dusting the most important
spots, such as table tops, etc. And then, sometimes,
there come days when you just pull the shades down
a bit farther.

Of all these ways of saving energy, the use of routines is
one of the most important. Every family should plan some
routines that suit their particular needs. It does not matter
what the Smiths do, or when the Johnsons hang out their
washing, or when Mrs. Brown does her shopping. It's an
individual problem. The family group should experiment
with different ways and times for doing things until they
find an arrangement that meets their need, and that, for the
time, enables them to manage their lives smoothly, with the
least expenditure of time and energy and the fewest situa-
tions that cause strain and irritation.

An example of replanning one's household routines is
shown by the following case. This young woman had mar-
ried and was the mother of one child. Her training and
experience had given her little idea of how to organize her
household activities, and, as a result, she was busy from
early morning until late at night doing jobs that had to be
done. She was expecting a second child and could not face
what she would do when this additional responsibility
arrived. She was asked to keep an accurate diary of every

MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELATIONSHIPS 169

activity of each day for an entire week. This diary was
studied, and a daily work plan was formulated. While she
was not able to put this plan into effect, at first, as effectively
as a more experienced person might have done, she gradually
got her household affairs reorganized on a satisfactory basis
for herself and her family. The suggestions which accom-
panied the schedule were :

1 . To save time and energy in washing dishes, use a dish drainer
after rinsing dishes in hot water. Cover the drying dishes with a
towel and leave until the next meal. This will save many steps and
motions, as well as minutes.

2. Fix some place in kitchen, either a low part of a cupboard or
drawer, where baby can keep things and such objects as clothes-
pins, pans, covers, etc. She can play with these while mother works
in kitchen and will not be so tempted by icebox.

3. Keep as many things in icebox in jars with screw tops as
possible, so baby cannot spill them.

4. Cook cereal for breakfast while cooking dinner.

5. Before going to bed put living room in order. Empty ash
trays, fold papers, plump up cushions, etc.

6. On washday, plan easy meals, use canned fruits and vege-
tables, left-overs, etc.

7. On cleaning days, give one room a thorough cleaning, the
next week give another room an extra good cleaning, etc., in rota-
tion. In this way, each room comes in for good cleaning about once
in six weeks, and this, together with the regular weekly cleaning,
keeps the house in good order. I mean such jobs as cleaning win-
dows, woodwork, closets, polishing furniture, etc.

8. Putting baby to bed before parents have dinner makes it
more calm for them, as well as relieves baby.

9. These hours are only suggestive and not necessarily to be
rigidly followed. But the order of routine might be followed. I
believe I have allowed plenty of time for duties which will allow
time for taking baby to toilet when necessary. The mother can
play with baby as she works, also.

10. In the afternoon schedules, I have not scheduled some of the
time between three and five, but at this time, baby may be taken
out for a walk, or mother may mend, sew, etc.

n. Extra washing for baby may have to be done. This could
be done right after morning dishes or after lunch dishes.

12. Pressing clothes may have to be done. Try to do this after
regular ironing, or work it in some afternoon.

170 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

13. If a small quantity of staples can be purchased and kept on
hand, it will be possible to limit shopping to twice a week; also
relieves strain.

14. Taking time some evening to plan the meals for three or four
days ahead will be a great help.

15. If water has to be heated for dishes, put it on just before
sitting down to eat.

Recommended also are keeping the housework up and clearing
up after each meal, so that there is no piling up of jobs. This is
what makes it a burden. Unless there is prospect for having help,
it would be better for the mother to acquire the habit of getting
her work out of the way even in the evening, so that she can start
the next day fresh. There will have to be some change in the sched-
ule when the new baby comes, but it is better to handle the job
this way now. By that time the first child's routine can be changed
enough to work in the new baby's care easily and still provide rest
for the mother.

Daily routines help to get the housework out of the way
with the least effort. Routines for the week also help one
to spread the work so that the amount of energy expended
is about equal each day. Then one does not get worn out
on one day and have to spend the next recovering, but is
ready and able to take each day as it comes. Washing,
ironing, cleaning, special cooking, weekly shopping all
these take time and much energy and should be especially
planned for. To some people, regularity and routine may
seem deadly, but once on the job, they soon will realize that
haphazard working leads only to disorder, irritability,
fatigue, and dissatisfaction.

Once a satisfactory routine has been established, let no
one be so innocent as to believe such bliss can go on forever.
Let a baby enter the picture, and an entirely new plan has
to be devised. Let the wife but get a job, and the whole
setup has to be reorganized. Making a home as a full time
job is one thing. But being a homemaker and carrying a full
time job outside is quite another. To a man, a job is his life;
but even if a woman does have a job, she is still expected to
maintain the home at a fairly good level. So the work of the
home has to be unusually well planned as to what, when,

MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELATIONSHIPS 171

how and who. Short cuts, simplification, routine, and rest
become " musts. " Cooperation between husband and wife
must be unusually good, and is unusually important, if there
is to be real homemaking. Then only can a woman carry
two jobs, both of which demand her best.

Feeding the Family

One of the jobs of homemaking that takes a good deal of
time, but which most women enjoy, is meal preparation.
In these days of rationing and high prices and limited time,
more attention should be given to the planning of meals.
Everyone should know what makes up a nutritious diet and
be willing to eat the foods that provide what the body needs
for good health. Experts tell us that an adult should con-
sume the following foods every day :

Milk a pint, or its equivalent in cheese or other milk products.

Vegetables two or more, besides potatoes. One of these should
be green or yellow and one raw, preferably.

Fruit one citrus or tomato. One other fruit.

Meat, cheese, fish, or dried legumes one or more servings.

Whole-grain or enriched bread and cereals.

Butter or other fat fortified with Vitamin A about four table-
spoons.

With this standard in mind, meals can be planned to meet
the needs of the family. If possible, plan ahead a few days
in order to save shopping time, ration coupons, and money.
If the planned food is not in the market, one should choose
a good alternative. Shopping well ahead of cooking time
avoids hurry. Keeping a few. extra supplies on hand for
emergencies avoids worry.

If vegetables and fruits are purchased ahead of time, they
should be kept cool and covered. A withered vegetable has
lost much of its food value. Pood should be prepared as near
meal time as possible to avoid loss of vitamins. Cook vege-
tables in a small amount of water in a covered vessel to avoid
vitamin loss. Use any leftover cooking water in some way.
It is rich in minerals and vitamins. If there are leftovers,
store them in covered dishes and use as soon as possible.

172 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Cooking for more than one meal at a time saves time, energy
and fuel. Extra potatoes, stewed fruit, baked goods, etc.,
may be prepared ahead. Use the same dish for cooking and
serving when possible. It saves dish washing. Arrange cup-
boards as conveniently as possible. It saves steps. Plan a
definite time for food preparation. It relieves bustle and
hurry.

If there is a lunch carrier in the family, he should be taken
seriously. Carried lunches are notoriously poor. A few sug-
gestions may help :

1. Use a clean container paper, wood, metal. See that
it is free from odors.

2. Wrap each food separately.

3. Use a thermos for hot or cold foods.

4. Provide foods which can be eaten easily.

5. Include something crisp and chewy, juicy and refresh-
ing, as well as substantial.

A good lunch should provide the equivalent of a glass of
milk; a large serving of fruit or vegetable; protein-rich food,
like meat, cheese, egg or peanut butter sandwiches. The
amount of such foods depends upon the person's needs.
Lunch should provide about one-third of the day's food.

Just as routine helps to get housework done easily, so the
planning of meals insures better food for the family. Nutri-
tious food is necessary to health and good dispositions.

Buying Economically

Getting one's money's worth depends upon knowing one's
need and being able to select the thing which most nearly
meets that need at the price one can afford to pay. Most
young couples, and all families during the present crisis,
must give thought to what is really needed. When looking
at merchandise, don't buy it unless you need it. If you really
need it, then try to get the quality that best fits the need.

1. If one needs service hose, do not buy fine sheers.

2. If one needs work shoes, play shoes won't do.

MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELATIONSHIPS 173

3. If one needs a durable, washable dress, sleazy, poorly-
dyed material will not do.

4. If one needs protein for building body tissues, almost
any lean meat will do, as well as other protein-rich
foods, like eggs, cheese, etc.

5. If one needs underwear, a hard-working man may need
one type, while a sedentary worker can use another.

6. If a woman has limited time for laundry work, she must
choose the type of underwear that demands little iron-
ing and care.

Since women do most of the family buying, they have a
responsibility for getting the best value for money spent
that is possible. They must learn to be good buyers. They
must plan ahead. Articles that cost much should be planned
for long enough ahead so that funds can be accumulated.
One should shop around and compare values, instead of
buying the first article seen. Every woman should learn to
judge quality, whether it is in sheets, gloves, spinach or
beefsteak. Some things are being standardized. There are
quality standards for sheets, some canned goods, some hose,
and grades of meat. Everyone can read labels and ask for
information about goods. He should know what the article
is made of, what service to expect, and what care to give it.

Even the smallest margins can be put to good use, if one
is a good buyer. Fifty cents a month set aside for the purpose
can keep the linen supply in good shape, or furnish new
kitchen utensils, or shoe repair, etc. Little leaks and little
investments make a difference. Money is only a tool use
it to work toward goals.

Utilizing Conditions as They Are

A house should not be thought of as something for one's
friends to admire or envy, or something that is a burden to
be kept clean, but rather as an arrangement that provides
opportunities for growth and personal development. Besides
providing for eating, sleeping and cleanliness, a house or
living space should provide opportunities for personal and

174 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

group recreation and relaxation, for entertaining friends, for
privacy for every member of the group, conveniences for
work, study, reading, etc., equipment for caring for one's
belongings, and equipment necessary for caring for children.
Even the smallest apartment can provide all of these if the
husband and wife have no false pride and have some imagina-
tion. A group of young brides were bewailing the fact that
they could not entertain their friends. There was not enough
space, not enough chairs, not enough dishes, and so on.
Eventually they worked out plans for some group meals to
which each couple contributed its share of food, and the
meal was served picnic fashion on the floor. Pooling food,
dishes, and work, and being very informal solved the problem
and provided a great deal of fun.

Another young homemaker bemoaned the fact that they
owed the "boss" and his wife a dinner, but just could not
think of inviting them to their modest flat and, anyway,
the baby interfered with her time so that she would not be
able to prepare the elaborate kind of meal they had been
served at the home of the "boss," and anyway they could
not afford it. After planning, she and her husband invited
the "boss" and his wife to dinner a simple, well cooked
meal, served on a small table, with a minimum of dishes and
silver. No show, no apologies, but lots of fun because the
"boss " and his wife had been young once, too, and had begun
very simply.

Enjoying friends is the main reason for having a party.
Adapting what one does to what one has to do with, and
avoiding the unnatural, makes for success. One young
hostess, whose husband refused to serve food when there
were guests, became famous for her attractive buffet suppers.
Another, whose time and supplies were unusually .limited,
enjoyed her friends over wafHes and baked apples. There is
always a way, if you keep yourself from becoming a slave
to things and the fear of other peoples' opinions of you.

Entertaining friends does not have to mean a party. A
real friend should be welcome at any time. The house should

MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELATIONSHIPS 175

be kept so that people may drop in without embarrassing
the homemaker or her husband.

Sometimes the house seems so poorly arranged, or so small,
that certain necessary pieces of equipment can find no space.
In one household, the young husband found it necessary to
do a good deal of drawing at home in the evening. There
was no place for his drawing table except in the living room.
The wife refused to have it there. What would the neighbors
say ? The husband then found that he would have to do his
work elsewhere, while the wife sat alone in her orderly living
room. Finally she decided that the drawing table could
stand in the living room, and that, regardless of what people
would think, she preferred to have her husband working
there.

Very, often, in small living quarters, there is little room
for washing or drying clothes. No one enjoys seeing chairs,
towel rods, and radiators strewn with drying laundry. A few
clothes lines placed well toward the ceiling, either in bath-
room or kitchen, may help. Or lines that can be taken down
between washings may be put up in other places. It is usually
easier to handle the laundry in such crowded quarters if it
is done as it is soiled, rather than leaving it until a big pile
accumulates. Ironing may be reduced by hanging wet
clothing evenly and smoothly.

The shared closet may become a source of irritation in
some homes. Most closets were not meant for anything in
particular, but they may easily be made over with simple
materials, so that clothing can hang freely, shoes be kept off
the floor, and dust removed easily. Rods for hangers, bags
or racks for shoes can be provided cheaply. No one can
afford to be careless with clothing in these days, and it
certainly saves tempers if one can find the garment he wants
when he wants it.

Bureau drawers can be divided by using paper boxes. It
is much easier to keep small compartments orderly than one
large drawer, which becomes a jumble every time it is opened
or closed.

176 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

If a baby is anticipated, certain equipment must be added,
but it need not be costly or elaborate. A homemade bath
tray, fashioned from wood or a kitchen pan, can be made
very attractive. Add a vessel for bathing and a simple com-
fortable bed, together with a well thought out layette, and
baby has about all he needs. Anything in excess satisfies the
parents' pride, but adds little to baby's comfort or well-being.

Once in a while you see a house in which it is impossible
to relax. To lie down on the davenport would be a sacrilege.
The bedspread is too dainty, the blankets too fine. Chairs
were chosen for looks rather than comfort. One of the
things a house must provide is an opportunity for its occu-
pants to relax a studio couch, an army cot, a bed, or some
chairs chosen to fit the peculiar anatomy of the people who
are going to sit in them the most.

A few well chosen things can be made to meet all the
requirements for good furnishing. Young homemakers
should not be unhappy if they cannot have everything they
want or the things their parents have. Just as Mother and
Dad had many adjustments to make in their early marriage
and finally achieved something rather grand, so they proba-
bly started housekeeping rather simply, building up com-
forts and furnishings over the years. Children take all this
for granted and do not realize that it takes time to make a
home the way you want it.

A young couple rented a one-room apartment in a large
city. They had very little money for furnishings. They
purchased a folding table, a couch-bed, a reading lamp, two
straight chairs, and two comfortable chairs. Aside from
kitchen equipment and a couple of small rugs, this was all
they had. A few pictures and some gay, cheap curtains were
added. An older woman came to call and later remarked to
a friend, "You know, there is hardly anything in that place,
but it's so homey." The house, its arrangement, use and
care does affect the congeniality of the family. One needs to
think of possible ways her own house could provide a better
home.

MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELATIONSHIPS 177

Managing a home, then, is a job for intelligent people.
They realize that fatigue, worry, and irritability are the
enemies of happiness and will do all they can to avoid them.
They know that skills, attitudes, and successes are closely
related.

When a husband and wife see how they may work toward
their desired goals, using their own particular set of resources
and getting some results that is good management.

Family Living Should Be Democratic Living

What has been said in the preceding pages is more than
rules for managing a home. Its implications go to the very
core of democracy itself. We do not learn how to be valuable
members of a democratic society by taking high-school or
college courses in civics, history, or social studies. We only
learn facts and theories about democracy. The greatest
contribution of the family to society should be in its practice
of those virtues and ways of living which give its members
experience in sharing, working cooperatively toward the
achievement of common goals, foregoing individual desires
in the interest of the welfare of another, and abiding by the
decisions of the family group on matters of common concern.
These are the essence of what it takes to live as a participat-
ing member of a democratic society.

CHAPTER XIII

SOME OTHER FACTORS IN FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS

Social Relationships

Our basic friendliness patterns not only affect our dating,
courting, and marital relationships, but also our relationships
with teachers, vocational associates, and superiors, and our
social and recreational activities. When a couple marry, they
usually have either many friends in common, or each has his
own set of friends whom the other person has hot met. This
is particularly true when the bride moves to the place of
business of her husband, or when both move into a new
community. The problems which sometimes grow out of
these situations are numerous.

Under present conditions, the latter of these situations is
a most common one. Couples move into an army camp sit-
uation, into an industrial city or other locality, neither of
them having contacts of a personal sort. The man usually
meets other men on the job and more or less quickly has
contacts of both a business and social nature. The wife,
however, may live for months and have made few, if any,
friends. If she is aggressive enough, and they are able to
find part time care for the children she may engage in
numerous volunteer activities, or, perhaps, contacts can be
made through sorority or alumnae groups, sports, attending
public lectures, the library and church. Show yourself
friendly and interested in other people.

The problems arising from each having his own set of
friends are of a different nature. Mainly, they affect the

178

OTHER FACTORS IN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS 179

social participation of the family. The husband may find
much of his after-office time devoted to lodge, bowling, or
cards with his business associates. When this is done to
excess, it reduces his contribution to his wife and children
and is often the cause of considerable conflict. It may work
the other way when the wife is so active in her bridge club,
volunteer work, and other social diversions as not to have
either the time or patience to meet her responsibilities as
wife, mother, and homemaker. A maid can provide the home
with household services and the children with safe care and
attention, but she cannot provide a husband with the love
and encouragement, nor the children with the affectional
security which only the parents can supply for them and for
each other.

Frequently neither husband nor wife likes the other's
social friends. Perhaps the best solution to this kind of situ-
ation is for each to arrange a certain amount of time for
social and recreational activities with their own friends and
reserve a large portion of their time for their own joint recrea-
tion at home or away from the home.

We must not overlook the fact that the kind of friendship
pattern we establish in our family life not only affects our
children's attitude toward friendly association with others,
but their future tendency toward repeating the same kind
of pattern in their own lives. It is not that we cannot over-
come many of these early conditioned feelings and patterns,
but that we add to enjoyment and facilitate good marital
relations in providing a desirable sociability pattern for our
children.

Closely associated with one's relationship with friends and
associates is one's social and recreational activities. When
couples marry, they usually have had good times enjoying
active or passive entertainment. The nature of their activi-
ties may be affected by the type of employment, hours of
work, and time at home, of the husband as well as the wife,
whether or not she is also gainfully employed.

There may be a basic conflict in the setup for fun in many

180 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

families in that, when a husband comes home, he may be
tired and wish to stay in, read, garden, listen to the radio,
or tinker around the house or with his hobby, whereas the
wife, in the house most of the day, prefers a change and is
desirous of getting out and away for a little while. Many
people complain of this situation, rather than each sacri-
ficing part of his leisure time to satisfy the other. It would
add to the felicity of family life if, occasionally, husbands
made the effort to do something, however simple, in going
out with their wives, and if the wives, in turn, would help
their husbands enjoy the rest and quiet of their homes on
other evenings. When each is concerned only with satisfying
his own selfish desires, trouble usually lies ahead.

The problem of social and recreational activities usually
arises after children arrive, although, before this time, there
may be such wide differences between interests of husband
and wife as to allow for little common social bond. There are
many cases where the husband likes, and is active in, sports,
including golf, riding, etc., and the wife has had little or no
experience, hence, no skill in them, and she appreciates and
is more interested in music, art, drama, reading, etc. Prob-
lems arise when each tries to force his own form of recreation
on the other and is scornful of that of the other. Here,
again, is our basic problem of husbands' and wives' keeping
their emphasis upon the happiness of the other. A wife may
well encourage her husband in the things he likes, and she can
well afford to acquire enough skill in some of them to par-
ticipate with him. A husband could, likewise, afford to have
the same basic attitude and willingness with reference to the
wishes of his wife. In marriage we must sacrifice a certain
amount of our individualism, and only those persons who
can accept this fact and make adjustments accordingly will
make congenial husbands or wives. Marriage, without this
cooperative attitude, becomes a master-servant relationship
or a continuum of conflicts and estrangements.

Vacations are another matter for joint consideration. Men
often have different interests as well as needs from their

OTHER FACTORS IN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS 181

wives. The amount that can be spent and time available is
usually the determining factor. Where it is possible, there
is an advantage in the husband's having some vacation time
of his own, completely away from job and family responsi-
bility. It may be a hunting trip, a boat trip, a week at the
beach, or some other type of recreation. The wife also needs
to have time when she can be relieved of the care and re-
sponsibility of home and children. A father can contribute
a great deal to the children, as well as learn much about them
and the daily problems of the mother, by looking after them
a few days himself while the wife is away. Then there is an
advantage in the entire family's vacationing for a few days
where everyone can have fun together, as well as the de-
sirability of the husband's and wife's having some time away
from the rest of the family each year. I know dozens of
wives who have been married from ten to twenty years and
who have not been on a vacation trip alone with their hus-
bands since their honeymoon.

Physical and Mental Health and Hygiene

The most prevalent kinds of physical and mental illnesses
which affect the everyday life of most families are those
symptomatic and undiagnosed conditions, such as head-
aches, chronic fatigue, malnourishment, backache, insomnia,
colds, sinuses, eye strain, and nervous tension. Not much is
known about these conditions but there is some evidence
that many are related to diet, rest, exercise, and emotional
maturity. While every kind of physical or mental illness has
its effect upon the normal routine and relationships in family
life, it is these constant and intermittent little half -physical,
half -emotional conditions which form the basis for much
conflict, bickering, and unhappiness in the home. It is
easier for one to be irritable when one is fatigued, headache-y,
and has had little sleep.

In these war times, we see many people who are working
long hours, seven days a week; mothers may also be em-
ployed who are trying to keep expenses down, taxes paid*

182 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

bonds purchased, the children sent to school, insurance and
other payments made, and, in addition, are perhaps under
the added emotional strain of having a son or daughter in
the armed forces and of undergoing the day-to-day bombard-
ment of radio commentators and newspaper headlines. No
wonder thousands of families are deserting their homes,
seeking release from the turmoil of life by desertion of re-
sponsibility, neglect of children, and the refuge of divorce.
Everyone might well afford arbitrarily to set aside a small
amount of time for uninterrupted fun a good mental
hygiene insurance against family conflict, breaks in health,
or even complete family disorganization.

These conditions are of such proportion today that it be-
comes a nation-wide, social, as well as an individual, family
problem. It raises the question of the desirability of letting
anyone work seven days a week, or of letting both members
of the family work outside the home where there are children
under ten years of age. A population whose physical and
mental health is at this breaking point may easily lose a war
and make a very bad peace. The home, presided over by a
rested, intelligent, and socially active mother, can do much
to enhance the physical and emotional strength of its mem-
bers and, thus, perhaps contributing more to winning the
war than by running a lathe or driving a truck.

Continuing Education

The home is the most important seat of learning for the
young child. As we grow older, we are exposed to many
other influences which add to both our fund of knowledge
and our attitude toward learning. When a couple marries,
they may have both completed only eight grades of formal
schooling, or they may both have doctor's degrees in eco-
nomics, psychology, medicine, or one of many other fields
of knowledge. There seems to be little correlation between
years of formal schooling and our knowledge and insight
into human personality and our ability to manage human
relationships successfully. What elements of human capacity

OTHER FACTORS IN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS 183

are the essential ones, to insure successful marriages and suc-
cessful family relationships, we do not definitely know. In
spite of this, it is important that every couple use their intel-
ligence to the end that they are continually learning and
educating themselves in matters pertaining to the manage-
ment of their family affairs. In many matters of home
management there is little excuse for failure due to ignorance,
although the acquiring of skill is a matter of practice. One
need not necessarily take a course in school to be up to date
with the amount of good material available in current maga-
zines, newspapers, and books. The increasing and continu-
ous desire to apply the contributions of science and the arts
to our personal problems and development is the all-impor-
tant factor in the ongoing of successful living.

Religion

Religion is important to everyone because we all feel our-
selves a part of the universe and are affected by and influ-
ence the world in which we live.

"No man is an Hand, intire of it selfe; every man is a peace of
the continent ; a part of the maine ; if a Clod bee washed away by
the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as
well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were ; any man's
death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And
therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for
thee." (19)

Many of us find ourselves, however, in conflict with our
family over religious practices. Religion may become for
some a symbol of restricted social and recreational life. We
all ponder at one time or another the question of our origin
and our destiny as well as our individual relation to the uni-
verse. We need religious education at home and at the
church of our choice to help educate and give us a sense of
security with regard to these important matters. Here, as
well as in food habit training, it is necessary for parents to
do more than say to us, "Do as I say, but not as I do."

As we get older, we pass through a stage of conflict between

184 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

the religious beliefs we have been taught and our family's
beliefs, as well as the beliefs of others, and the ideas of science
and philosophy with which we come to grips, particularly in
college. It appears that many traditional religious beliefs
are uprooted by the study of science in college, and the indi-
vidual is unable afterward to reintegrate his thinking in
terms of newly acquired points of view, or to achieve for
himself a new philosophy of life in terms of modern science
and a newer conception of the universe.

The impact of the more critical and objective view fostered
by institutions of higher learning seems to cause many to
question for the first time the traditional teachings of the
church.

At maturity, certain ones of us avoid making any very
definite decision about our religious philosophy. Some of us
accept our earlier pattern of religious belief and practice,
although with qualms. Others reject this early pattern with
obvious feelings of guilt. Of these last, some fail to arrive
at any satisfactory substitute for this early pattern, while a
few work out a new philosophy of life.

When one marries, this issue has to be met squarely, for,
as one's children begin to grow up and questions of the reli-
gious practices they wish to observe arise, they serve to
renew one's confusion over religious beliefs and to bring the
problem into focus again, if these matters have not been
settled.

The child's revolt is often not so much against the idea
or belief itself as against the method used in pressing it upon
him. He needs the insight gained through experience as
much as the intellectual knowledge gained through being
told. In religious matters the family, as well as the child,
labors under the difficulty of living in a rapidly changing
world where the values held important by society are less
well defined and less generally accepted than formerly and
where even the church is finding it necessary to redefine and
restate some of its interpretations of the meaning and func-
tion of religion in the light of modern conditions.

OTHER FACTORS IN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS 185

Modern research seems to indicate that some forms of
religious philosophy tend to act as a stabilizing influence in
the life of the individual and family. The rejection of basic re-
ligious principles (not controversial theological and doctrinal
issues) is more often due to the lack of a capacity on the part
of the individual to grasp its significance in historical per-
spective in relation to the ongoing of our culture, its con-
plementary relationship to the discoveries of science, its
basically constructive philosophy of the worth and impor-
tance of human personality, and its emphasis upon demo-
cratic social relationships, than to any fundamental quarrel
with those principles themselves.

CHAPTER XIV

THE COMING OF CHILDREN

Becoming pregnant is a condition which every young
bride looks forward to, with both joy and anticipation as
well as with a certain amount of fear and anxiety. It is a
completely new experience for both husband and wife. And,
like all new experiences, we wonder how we will get along.
Will the pregnancy be a successful one? Will the baby be
normal? Will it be a boy or girl? What will it cost? These
are just a few of the questions which the bride, pregnant for
the first time, asks herself.

But before these questions arc answered, there are two
others which newly married couples are pondering today.
First, with the husband going to war, should they have a
child now or wait until he returns, if he does? Second, if
they decide to have a baby, how will the wife know when
she is pregnant, what should she do if she is, and how should
she arrange her affairs if her husband is in the armed forces?

Should We Have Babies?

In normal times, most young couples do not debate this
question. They usually want babies. They may not want
them the first year of marriage nor want ten or twelve, but
they want some. And, in normal times, the question of
when to have them and how many to have is not a debatable
question if you are a good Catholic. But for non-Catholics
many couples prefer to devote the first year or two to
becoming well adjusted to each other and established in their
new mode of life, before undertaking pregnancy and child

186

THE COMING OF CHILDREN 187

rearing. The non-Catholic may also choose to space his
children, rather than leave pregnancy entirely to chance. In
so doing, he may consult a reputable physician for sound
contraceptive advice, whereas the Catholic couple will con-
sult a good Catholic physician concerning the use of the
rhythm method which is approved by the church.

Young women seem to want a child, just in case the hus-
band does not return. This may or may not be a good
motive for having children, but the motive is certainly as
valid as the one often used for not having children, that is,
until the couple are economically well established.

Young men seem to feel that they are young and to wait
until the war is over is preferable. They say they can have
them then, and that in this way the young woman is relieved
of the risks involved, both physical and economic.

Certainly where pregnancy is decided upon, the child
should be wanted by both father and mother, and there
should be some consideration given to the health of the
parents, the conditions under which the couple or wife will
live if the husband is away, and the financial means of sup-
port. While there are day care centers for children of
mothers working in defense plants, the day care plan is not
an adequate substitute for the home and the mother. Chil-
dren should not be parked and reclaimed every day like a
satchel. To have a child may be a great satisfaction to a
wife or husband, but the responsibility for his welfare does
not end, but begins, there. It is not society's job to look
after your children for you. It is your job. Therefore, the
decision to have children, and the responsibility for them if
they arrive, are personal problems. These matters should
be taken into account before marriage and before chances
which lead to pregnancy are taken. But support, proper
care, and mother contact are important.

Pregnancy is a family affair. The husband is just as
definitely affected as the wife. Even though fathers do not
contribute as much constant care to the children's develop-
ment, they should begin early to assume a father's part.

188 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

During pregnancy, the routine of the marriage is somewhat
changed. The prospective mother may not feel like being
as active in certain athletic and social ways as previously.
Sex relations will be interrupted for a couple of months and
greatly reduced when carried on during the middle months
of pregnancy. The woman may be more concerned with her-
self and preparation for the arrival of the new baby than the
father. If the father is away, there will be times of great
loneliness for each other, particularly as the time of delivery
approaches.

Considerations Before Pregnancy

Before having children every couple should, first, be in the
best possible health. An examination by a physician should
check one's present condition and readiness for undertaking
the strain of childbearing, as well as any hereditary condi-
tions which might affect the pregnancy. Even though most
couples wish to have children, there are often undisclosed
fears and anxieties about pregnancy that should be discussed
and cleared up in so far as possible.

The second thing which will affect the child is the attitude
of husband, wife, relatives, and friends toward pregnancy.
These attitudes may center around the fear of the added
responsibility of children on the part of the husband, that
other children will entail too much additional expense, as
well as strain, on the mother, or that a child will interrupt
and interfere with the career of the wife. Or the wife, par-
ticularly, may have certain feelings of embarrassment about
the condition of pregnancy, its effect upon her social life and
marital relations with her husband, or she may feel insecure
because she is lacking knowledge of what pregnancy is like
and what to expect from it.

Third, there are social and environmental factors also to
be taken into consideration. There are certain changes in
marital life during pregnancy. One's normal recreation and
leisure time pursuits need not be greatly interrupted. The
advice of one's obstetrician should be followed, because

THE COMING OF CHILDREN 189

every individual must be prescribed for in terms of her own
situation.

Fourth, problems may arise in actual home management.
If it is the first child, it may be necessary to alter living
arrangements, particularly sleeping arrangements, for a time,
and help will be needed by the new mother from other mem-
bers of the family. There will be interruptions in adult
routines to meet the demands of the new member of the
family. Occasional household help will be desirable for
cleaning, laundry, and heavy work for a period of months.

Fifth, the added cost of having and caring for a baby is
greatly overestimated by many couples, who complain that
they cannot afford to have children. Ordinarily, the actual
cost of doctor's care and confinement in a good hospital for
a week can be found to meet the income of practically all
economic classes. The difficult problem today, under war
conditions, is to get hospital and obstetrical care at any
price. An estimate of costs involved in pregnancy and hos-
pital or home care will vary according to your income and
depending upon services received. The cost of maintenance
after the child is born varies, depending upon whether the
child is breast fed, as it ordinarily should be, given expensive
artificial foods and taken to the most expensive or a less
expensive pediatrician. The place of residence as well as
the general cost of living will be factors in both of these last
items.

What to Learn about Reproduction and Childbearing

The average couple could well afford to know more than
they do about what is involved in the entire reproductive
process, especially if they have not had a premarital exami-
nation and consultation which included this. A good time
to acquire this knowledge is when pregnancy is contemplated.
In Chapter IX the discussion of sex was primarily, concerned
with the matter of adjustment on sex matters between hus-
band and wife. Here we shall discuss briefly only those
additional matters pertinent to pregnancy.

190 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Menstruation and Pregnancy

Each month a female egg ripens in the ovaries and is
expelled. It passes down the ovi-duct or Fallopian tube.
This occurs, as far as is known, sometime between the end
of one and beginning of the next menstrual period. Through-
out this span of time, which may vary from twenty to forty
days, but is usually from twenty-five to thirty days in most
women, if the ova reaches the uterus without having been
fertilized, the cell lining of the uterus, which has been built
up to receive a fertilized ova, begins to deteriorate and, at
the beginning of the time for the next menstrual period, is
passed off, constituting, with the unfertilized egg, the men-
strual flow. If the egg has become fertile, it begins to grow
and is about the size of the end of a pin when it reaches the
uterus. Here it becomes attached or implanted in the lining
of the uterine wall and begins to grow. This new life cell
develops its own protective layers of surrounding covering,
called the amniotic sac, the chorion and decidua. Where
the new life cell is attached to the wall lining of the uterus
there develops a mass of rootlets or branching placenta
blood vessels, which are attached to the child by the umbil-
ical cord. Through this connection the child receives his
nutriment during the period of pregnancy. There is no direct
connection between the fetal and maternal blood vessels.
The exchange of nutritive and waste materials is carried on
by the process of osmosis between these two sets of capillaries.

This entire mass of material which provides attachment,
protection, and nutrition for the growing fetus is called the
placenta.

The baby grows for approximately 280 days in its uterine
home and is then born through the cervical opening of the
uterus and the vaginal or birth canal. After birth occurs,
the entire placenta or after-birth, as it is cailed, is expelled.

Questions about Pregnancy

One of the first things one wishes to know is the signs of
pregnancy. While many people may miss an occasional

THE COMING OF CHILDREN 191

menstrual period, if a woman of childbearing age has had
sexual intercourse and stops menstruating, pregnancy must
be suspected. This is the most characteristic early sign that
conception has taken place. Shortly following the first
omitted menstrual period there may occur slight nausea on
arising in the morning. Other later signs are tenderness
around the nipples and enlargement of the breasts, a darken-
ing of aureola around the nipple, and a desire to urinate
more frequently. If you have any one or a combination of
these signs, the best practice is to consult a good obstetri-
cian, a doctor whose specialty is caring for women during
pregnancy and delivery of the child. He will make a certain
test which will be a fairly accurate answer to your question,
if an early diagnosis of pregnancy is desired. This test can
be made with a high degree of reliability about two weeks
after missing your first menstrual period. For the average,
healthy woman, pregnancy is not a great hardship, but
many times her general health may be improved. The best
way to insure a normal delivery is to go to a doctor when
you think you are pregnant and remain under his care
throughout the nine months' period. He will examine you
each rrionth, advise you as to diet, rest, exercises, etc., and
if you follow his advice, you will have little to fear.

There is no way of telling whether your child will be a boy
or a girl. Be glad whichever it is and expect your child to
be as normal as most children are at birth. There are many
complex growth processes which take place from the time
of conception until a baby is born, and the result cannot be
predicted. Most children are born normal, healthy young-
sters. When they are not, it is not usually a reflection upon
the parent but just one of those deviations in biological
development which cannot be predicted or helped.

The actual sign that the time for delivery is near is the
settling down of the child in the pelvis. The lower part of
the abdomen becomes larger, the woman breathes more
easily, may have a return of constipation and frequent urina-
tion, and she may, usually from one to four weeks before

192 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

actual labor, begin to feel slight labor pains. Then from
twenty-four to forty-eight hours before actual birth, true
labor begins, and the birth is completed. The actual dilation
of the uterus and other pelvic parts may take from twelve
to twenty-four hours, at the end of which the soft amniotic
sac or bag of water breaks. The second stage of expulsion
may last from a few minutes to an hour or longer. After a
brief rest, the uterus contracts vigorously and expels the
placenta. With the exception of pains due to the contraction
of the uterus, this concludes the birth process. Sometimes
the whole birth process takes a much shorter time.

The Baby's First Year

The art of child rearing and training is something to be
learned. Love alone will not teach the mother the principles
of good physical care and proper feeding of her child. Love
will not tell the mother how to instill proper habits and atti-
tudes in the child. These can only be done when one studies
how best to do them and works diligently at the task. Some
of the simple rules to follow are:

1. Register the child's birth and get a copy of the birth
certificate.

2. Have a doctor examine him at frequent intervals and
advise you as to proper diet and feeding.

3. Nurse your baby, if possible, and give him plenty of
cuddling and affection.

4. See that his surroundings are healthful and free from
possible sources of infection.

5. Keep him clean and give him plenty of fresh air, sun-
shine, and exercise.

6. Have a schedule for him based upon a rhythm of his
own which you can learn after a little careful observa-
tion.

7. Remember, babies are human beings, not playthings.
Each one is different from the other in many ways.

8. Raising children requires both father and mother for
best results. Both should know what their children are

THE COMING OF CHILDREN 193

like, what they need, and how to guide their develop-
ment. This knowledge by both parents eliminates
much conflict between parents over training methods
and is better for the child.

One of the first principles of good child management is to
know your child and to know what to expect of him at dif-
ferent stages of growth. Since children are different at birth,
one should study each child separately and try to work out
a plan for his development in terms of the kind of baby he
is. Remember, learning begins^ the first hour after birth
and continues throughout his life. His education is now up
to the parents. The first bit of knowledge to acquire is what
to expect of him in physical growth the first year how
fast and how much he grows.

He will weigh anywhere from 5 to 10 pounds at birth and
will have reached approximately 20 pounds by one year.
His weight will depend upon the size of his parents, the
type of body build he has inherited, and his sex, since boy
babies are a little heavier than girls. He will not be able to

194 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

see very much soon after birth. His ability to see and attend
to things in his environment increases until, by one year, he
is able to see most minute objects. Unlike sight, his hearing
is fully developed at birth. While both abilities to taste and
smell are pretty well developed at birth, these senses become
very acute after a few months. His sense of feeling is well
developed at birth, but it is not until he becomes older that
he can differentiate between discomforts that are due to
various causes. At birth, when lying face down, he can
raise his head momentarily but cannot hold it up, whereas,
when lying on his back, he cannot raise it at all. He begins
to show some interest in sitting up and rolling over at four
or five months of age and at seven or eight months may be
able to sit alone. He cannot usually walk before a year,
although this varies greatly. The child should not be urged
to walk. He will walk just as soon as he is ready and
able.

He will grasp a finger or rod at birth but will not be able
to pick up an object with his thumb and forefinger until
toward the end of his first year.

He only cries at first, then in a few weeks coos. It is not
until the end of the first year or during the second year that
he begins to imitate sounds he hears and adds a few real
words to his "Ah-ing" vocabulary.

The infant's learning results, like other people's, through
his successes and failures and the experiences which bring
satisfaction or dissatisfaction. By the time he is three or
four months old, he has learned to focus and coordinate his
eyes, pull or push his feet or hands with force and coordi-
nation, and by six or eight months is able to move about on
the floor by hitching himself along on his stomach. His social
development commences the first few months. He begins
to learn about people from his contacts with his own family,
relatives, and admiring friends. Too much attention may
be a bad thing for him, and one should, by the time he is a
year old, not talk about him in his presence. Becoming the
center of attention constantly is not good for him. It gives

THE COMING OF CHILDREN 195

him the unfortunate feeling that the entire world revolves
around him, and this may lead to difficult problems at four,
eight, or sixteen years of age.

The Child and His Family

It has been said that husbands and wives are primary and
children are secondary in family life. This seems to be true,
as far as training and development are concerned. The
parents come first they decide to have a child and
what he is at birth and how he is cared for and trained is
the result of what parents do to, for, and with him. He
learns what we teach him, for good or ill, through our con-
scious and often subtle and unconscious relationship with
him. It may safely be said that the family is responsible for
everything of importance that is done to the child. But the
coming of a first, second, or third child into a family also
effects important changes in the relationships in that family.

For a year or more husband and wife have engaged in
unrestricted pleasures of their own. They may have, if the
first child does not arrive for several years, established for
themselves patterns of personal and social relationships
which have become both satisfying and fixed. The coming
of a baby upsets this balance, and each is forced either to
reject the child or, as is true in the great majority of cases,
readjust their living pattern to a new scheme of things. The
mother has her time, energy, and attention divided between
a husband, her house, and her new, helpless infant. As a
result, both housekeeping and husband may suffer some
neglect, as compared to former days. This rearrangement of
human relationships into a new balance requires insight on
the part of each into what is happening and an effort to work
out a new arrangement which allows the husband, the new
baby, the wife, and the home their share of attention and
satisfaction. If this were the end of shifting relationships
it would be a relatively simple adjustment. But in many
families a second child is born a year or two later. Again
the focus of attention is drawn away from husband-wife re-

196 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

lationships, the house, and baby number one, and is centered
on baby number two. The same new rearranging of rela-
tionships has to be worked out again. JThis time the wife
has more physical burdens to look after which sap her
strength and emotions. Baby number one may notice that
he no longer is the center of attention and begin doing many
things he never did before, to get attention. There arises
for the parents the new problem of how to manage two chil-
dren so as to reduce the amount of jealousy between them
for both the love and attention of mother and father and the
material things of life, along with the usual questions of
care, training and management, household duties, social and
recreational activities, and so on.

Arising out of these new, shifting realignments of human
relationships in the family, associated with the coming of
children, are the myriad of problems of child care and train-
ing which will last, changing for each child according to his
own characteristics and sex, as he grows to maturity. This
child rearing period in the average family with only two
children is approximately a twenty to twenty-five year job.

Looking at the coming of a child into the family a little
more specifically, we may conclude that, first, he may become
the center and source of great joy and happiness. He will
add to the happiness and enhance the love of a couple who
are in love. He will not be the cure for any couple's conflicts
and grievances toward each other. A family about to go on
the rocks should work out their adjustment first and not
think that having a baby will solve their problems.

Second, he will upset the household routine of the family,
and it will be necessary for father and mother to rearrange
their accustomed way of life somewhat to allow for three
persons instead of two.

Third, he may become the sole object of the parents' atten-
tion to the extent that they neglect their own relationship
with each other, or he may become the sole object of the
mother's time and energy to such a degree that she forgets
she has a husband and fails in her role as a wife. This has

THE COMING OF CHILDREN 197

been the basic cause of the beginning of many estrangements
between husband and wife.

Fourth, he may interfere with the amount of social life
a couple has become accustomed to if they cannot afford a
maid, occasional help, or have a nearby relative stay with
the youngster while they go out.

Fifth, he may cause much irritation and conflict between
husband and wife because they each have different ideas of
how he should be raised. Fathers are usually less well in-
formed on good modern methods of child care and training
than modern mothers.

Sixth, he may be the apple of his grandmother's or grand-
father's eye and thus cause conflict between mother and her
own or her husband's mother over how he should be cared
for.

Seventh, he may, because he is learning by experience
with things and people, be the source of annoyance to
parents who are overly meticulous about their home and the
things in it. It is better to move expensive vases and the
like out of the way and let a chair or rug be worn out, than
to put the baby in a cage.

Eighth, he will no doubt cause the mother more work and
thus add to her physical and emotional fatigue. It is well
for the mother to have a plan and learn to organize her
household so that she can have time for rest and relaxation.
She needs some of her emotional energy for her husband,
friends, and outside interests.

Ninth, he will cost something. This may necessitate some
sacrifices on the part of the parents.

Tenth, when the second or third child arrives, as has been
previously pointed out, all of the above mentioned items
will still be important and, in addition, a rebalancing of the
household will have to be planned. There will arise the new
problem of giving attention, affection, and a sense of security
and acceptance to each child as well as a proportionate share
of the material things which the family can afford. Parents
have to be very careful in how they show differences in their

108 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

feelings toward and about each child. It is so easy to make
a child feel rejected, unwanted, or inferior.

On the other hand, the coming of children into the family
may bring, one, a hope for realization through the cliild of
the desires and ambitions which the parents were not able
to enjoy or achieve in their own lives. This can be a great
source of satisfaction if the fulfillment comes as a result of
what the child can accomplish in terms of his own abilities,
interests, and opportunities, but it may be crippling to the
child if he is forced into activities and training unsuited to
his abilities and interests in order to satisfy a father who was
disappointed in not being able to be an engineer or a mother
who could not follow a musical career; two, a sense of ful-
fillment into the lives of the couple; three, a sense of achieve-
ment and an added incentive ; four, an element of solidarity ;
five, a challenge and opportunity to produce for themselves
and society an individual who will be a credit to himself, his
parents, and in what he contributes to the world; and, six,
a lot of fun in watching and guiding his growth from infancy,
through early childhood, into adolescence, and on to ma-
turity and marriage.

Part IV
The Family and Democratic Society

Without respect for personality and the
human rights of others, without under-
standing of children, their basic needs and
guidance, without cooperatively planned
family life which produces patterns of
friendliness instead of hostility, there can
be no democracy anywhere.

CHAPTER XV

SUCCESS OR FAILURE IN FAMILY DEVELOPMENT

For years, now, we have been accumulating data on the
physical, mental, and social growth and development of chil-
dren. We know from the studies of Gesell and others pretty
accurately what to expect in the normal growth and develop-
ment of children of both sexes from birth through the pre-
school years. These norms of development are an invaluable
basis for understanding child behavior. Prior to the advent
of child research centers, our knowledge about children was
theoretical, came from cross-sectional studies or from delin-
quents. While it is possible to learn something about the
functioning of human beings by studying failures, one can-
not deduce the principles of success from the study of failure
alone. One of the most practical bits of advice ever given to
students is recorded in the preface to George L. Warren's
book on Farm Management. He says that if one wants to
improve agriculture, one must go out and discover how suc-
cessful farmers are managing their farms and then teach the
unsuccessful ones their methods. His emphasis is on the
study of the factors which contribute to success.

In considering success or failure in marriage from a per-
sonal point of view, there are three factors to be considered.
First, the family, like individuals, passes through similar
stages of development from infancy to old age. Second,
like the individual, the family must have a chance to fulfill
its function at each stage of development, discard its out-
lived function, and proceed to its new responsibility in the
next succeeding stage better prepared to meet it successfully.

201

202 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

For example, the first stage of establishment of the family
should lead to the development of those sentiments of affec-
tion and solidarity which prepare for the mutual acceptance
of the child bearing and rearing stage and not produce adult
relationships which resist the transition from this first to
the second stage in family progression. Third, success or
failure must be evaluated in terms of the expected role and
function of each member of the family.

Phases of Family Development

One, the period of the establishment of the family is that
time from the day of the marriage until the arrival of the
first child. It is the period when the adult husband-wife
relationships are dominant, and the couple are working out
their plan and philosophy of family procedure. Character-
istics of this period vary, but in normal times, in general,
the income is often low, current expenses need not be great,
health is usually good, and housing needs are simple. There
is opportunity in most cases for some savings in the form of
insurance, to make the first payment on a home, and other
contemplated future necessities. If both the husband and
wife are working, this is doubly possible if their wants for
luxury goods are not excessive. If not, the man is usually
getting established in his job, learning what it means to be a
husband, and the wife is learning both the meaning of being
a wife and how to manage a household.

The personal relationships and the evolving of a philosophy
of family life are paramount. The marriage has the potential
possibility of becoming a male dominant one, a female
dominant one, a parentally dominated one, or one of a real
partnership. The couple, like the new born infant, have
first to become acquainted with their new status and rela-
tionship, how to see, hear, think, talk, and feel the things
which confront them as man and wife. Theirs is no longer a
single, but a paired, relationship, although each party to a
marriage must give the other freedom for the development
of his own individuality.

SUCCESS OR' FAILURE IN FAMILY DEVELOPMENT 203

Two, the next stage in the course of family development
consists of the child rearing periods. This actually should be
considered in several sub-periods, the first of which is (a) the
preschool period. The couple can no longer, as is the case
of the infant, be solely concerned with its own pleasures per
se. They must begin growing up, becoming more self-
sufficient and able to meet the increasing complexities of life.

The first important factor to consider is the way in which
the first pregnancy and arrival of the first child changes the
concerns, problems, and planning of husband and wife.
Their daily routine has to be altered, their activities changed
in some respects, there are new things to be learned and
new expectant joys ahead. Whereas there are extra costs
attendant upon childbearing, both medical and household,
there are also possibilities of increased income for the hus-
band as he becomes better established in his vocation.

(b) As the first child reaches school age and another has
been added to the family, the balance in the family rela-
tionships is again complicated. The second and third
arrivals increase the work and responsibility of the mother
and demand that both parents give serious thought, if they
have not already done so, to their interrelation to the children
and the children's growing needs and relationships to each
other. There is increasing need for managerial ability on the
part of the homemaker and for adapting the housing ar-
rangements to the needs of a larger family. There is con-
tinuing increase in current expenses, along with possible
increases in income as the man grows more experienced and
useful in his job. Laundry, cleaning, and repair costs will
be heavy.

(c) By the time the first child reaches the age of budding
adolescence, parent-child relationships are of primary im-
portance, and presumably husband-wife relationships have
been adjusted to meet their needs as adults and those of
their children. This is the beginning of a long stretch of
heavy expense. The social life of the older children takes
on added significance, and there may be an accentuation

204 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

of conflict of the generations. The job of parenthood is at its
peak throughout this period. There may be in the home
children ranging in age from preschool to adolescence, some
boys, some girls, each a different personality and with differ-
ent developmental characteristics, interests, and needs.

(d) The next and last stage in this long child rearing
period is one of the most critical for both parent and child.
It brings to the fore the test of the skill with which the par-
ents have done their job well. It is the time of freeing the
child from dependence on his family and the parent from
dominance over the child. Again, the adults may need to
readjust their personal relationships both to more mutual
enjoyments together and independent, personal participation
in community affairs. It will be the time of middle age, with
its own health problems peculiar to the late forties and early
fifties. For the wife, menopause will be in the offing and,
for the man, a gradual readjustment of his strenuous activ-
ities. The ability to utilize one's leisure time is increasingly
important, especially for women, since no longer is the
responsibility for children there to occupy her time. This
period of middle life brings with it both retrospect and pros-
pect. There lies ahead a goodly span of years in which the
husband and wife may be free to develop many of the most
interesting and satisfying activities of their married lives.

Three, the period of recovery begins as the first child goes
out into the world on his own and continues to take on
significance as each succeeding child goes out into the world
market for which he has been preparing these many years.
The price he will bring depends upon the heritage we have
given him and the skill with which he has been helped to
grow and develop into a self-sufficient, mature individual.
After the long period of high expense, this period of recovery,
when the furniture is worn out, the house is too big and
savings are used up, allows for some time to recuperate
before active retirement is reached.

Four, approaching old age is only intolerable to the young
who have a life to build. One's wants are much fewer,

SUCCESS OR FAILURE IN FAMILY DEVELOPMENT 205

expenses are at a minimum, and there is time to follow as
many other interests as one is able and cares to. Due to
possible illness, help is often needed, and one must always
face the problem of living one's old age alone or with one's
children. Realistically, in view of the fact that married
women outlive their husbands, there is the desirability of
insurance or other protection, so that the wife, now a grand-
mother, can live her life economically independent of her
children. This cannot always be done, and it falls to the
children to assume the responsibility for her care or that of
the father if he outlives the mother. One of the most unfair
of family relationships is the shrinking from responsibility for
aging parents by several children, leaving one child to bear
the burden and make all the sacrifice. Social security and
old age pensions will add materially to the retirement of
many older people, but family plans should take into ac-
count one's responsibility for caring for one's parents.

The problem of economic support is by no means the
only one which confronts us as we reach old age. There are,
first, the anxieties about becoming old and facing death.
Some satisfactory life philosophy and the maintenance of
cultural interests and social contacts is the best solution to
the problem. Then there is the psychological problem of
lonesomeness and a sense of worthlessness. The older per-
son is often ignored and shunted about by the family and
made to feel his insignificance and uselessness. In large
measure, we should begin preparing for retirement and old
age in our youth. This may be done by equipping ourselves
with a wide variety of interests and hobbies and taking
active part in church, school, and other community affairs.

Criteria of Success

In light of the foregoing discussion, let us consider certain
criteria for evaluating successful family development and
relationships.

The test of time has long been one criterion of whether a
marriage was a success or failure. That is, how long did

206 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

the marriage last. This alone is not all. In addition to sur-
viving, it must be charged with a high quality of domestic
relationships between family members. This is less objective
than the criterion of time, but possible of some degree of
objectivity. There can be degrees, ranging from low to high,
of the quality of domestic relations.

It would seem that quality in human relationships is 'a.
more important criterion of success than quantity or the
amount of time a couple lived together. If we look at any
family in terms of its development, it appears that the quality
of husband-wife relationships tends to remain high the first
few months or years and then tends to decline, whereas
their qualitative relationships toward their children tend to
increase as somewhat of a substitute for their own. On the
other hand, one partner may function very adequately as a
husband, or father, or provider but only at a high level of
effectiveness in one of these. Since family relationships are
personal relationships, the following criteria for success or
failure, applicable to any single stage of development or to
the entire course of the family's existence, might serve as a
practical device for judging the extent to which a family was
operating at a high or low level of effectiveness.

These criteria have to be amplified to delineate those
attributes that are usually associated with each responsi-
bility. The qualities of a good mother may not always be
combined with those of a good wife, and the vocational suc-
cess of the husband may often interfere with his contribution
as a husband or father. Take each of these items and work
out, to your own satisfaction or for class discussion, the
attributes of a good wife, father, homemaker, child manage-
ment program. Pick out a family of your acquaintance and
see if you can first describe and then rate it in terms of the
above criteria. It will become clear that a person who is a
good wife for one man may not be for another, and that much
of the formulae for criteria must be considered in a relative
sense, and standards of adequacy of performance set up with
a wide degree of latitude.

SUCCESS OR FAILURE IN FAMILY DEVELOPMENT 207

CRITERIA FOR JUDGING FAMILY SUCCESS

1. To what extent does the woman function at a high degree of
effectiveness:

a. As a wife.

b. As a mother.

c. As a homemaker.

d. As a person.

2. To what extent does the man function at a high degree of
effectiveness:

a. As a husband.

b. As a father.

c. As a homemaker.

d. As a provider.

e. As a person.

3. To what extent do the children function at a high degree of
effectiveness as they pass through each stage of their devel-
opment :

a. In their physical growth.

b. In their educational advancement.

c. In their social development.

d. In their emotional maturity.

e. In their philosophy of life.

f . In their economic self-sufficiency.

g. In their intellectual growth.

h. In their relationship with the family.

i. In their relationship with their own and the opposite sex.

j. In their relationship to the community.

k. In their ability to utilize their leisure.

4. To what extent does the family maintain for itself and give
status to the children:

a. Through its own position in the community.

b. Through its relationship to the social, educational,
religious, and civic life of the community.

Masculine and Feminine Roles

From the time we are children, we hear such terms as
"sissy" applied to boys or "torn-boy" applied to girls who
are acting differently from their expected cultural pattern.
A boy in our culture is supposed, or expected to be, boister-

208 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

ous, wild, rough, and independent, and he plays baseball,
football, cops and robbers and other rough games. He has
more freedom to forage about the neighborhood than his
sister of the same age, is less protected and has, in a sense,
more status in the family than girls. A girl, on the other
hand, is expected to be more refined, less boisterous, plays
house and with dolls, and never engages in rough and tumble
sports. She is more carefully supervised and less free to
explore the community on her own. These are supposed to
be feminine characteristics. Thus, when a boy shows an
interest in domestic things or a girl in boys 1 rough sports,
each is atypical and is called a " sissy " or a " torn-boy. "

These traditional roles or expected ways of behaving
carry over into our adult life and, along with other tradi-
tional ways, constitute the difference in attitude and be-
havior of each sex toward the other. Not only do we acquire
these general patterns of behavior, but we observe relation-
ships outside our respective homes which give us convictions
as to how a husband or wife should behave toward each
other, how mothers and fathers differ in their relationship
to children, and how the affairs of the family are managed.
These conceptions we bring to marriage with us, and we
tend to expect our partner to operate according to our pre-
conceived notion when he may have acquired an entirely
different set of ideas about his role in the family.

Assuming, as we have said, that what is suitable to one
person may not be for another, what in general is the man's
relationship to his family?

The Man in the Family

As a husband, a man's predominant interest and para-
mount loyalty is to his wife. He supplies personal and social
companionship for her, is considerate of her feelings and
needs, tries to understand and assist her with her problems,
and tries to satisfy her needs for sex expression as a good
lover and faithful husband.

As a father, a man is jointly responsible for the guidance

SUCCESS OR FAILURE IN FAMILY DEVELOPMENT 209

and rearing of the children. While the mother may assume
the major responsibility in this regard, the father will plan
jointly with her on matters of training, support the mother's
acts, and take a share in the actual social development of the
children at different periods in their development. Boys
and girls both need fathers, especially so at certain times in
their development. The father will try to understand his
children's needs and attempt to supply them as best he can.

As a homemaker, the man's role is usually a minor one as far
as actual housekeeping is concerned. The division of labor
between husband and wife as to household responsibilities
is an individual matter and varies greatly. There is, how-
ever, a cooperating responsibility which it is important that
he assume, as well as contributing to the social, recreational,
and spiritual quality of the relationship.

As a provider, society expects him to be effective and suc-
cessful. It is his major role and responsibility, regardless of
whether his wife is gainfully employed or not. While most
men prefer that their wives do not undertake an outside
gainful job, except in cases of necessity, there is today a
much higher percentage of married women working than
ever before. Jobs are plentiful, wages are good, and oppor-
tunities for women are greater than in previous years.

As a person, we all must try to function at a high level of
maturity. Whatever our responsibilities as husband, wife,
father, mother, or other, we still are unique personalities
in our own right and need a certain amount of independent,
free opportunity for personal expression. This maintenance
of our personality apart from any other must be carried out,
however, in terms of mutual confidence and support of each
other. Our possessiveness and jealousy can only form the
basis of conflict in any human relationship.

The Woman in the Family

As a wife, the woman's role in the family is similar to that
of the husband. She is a companion, one who enjoys her
physical relationship with her husband, creates a relation-

210 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

ship of social friendliness and mutual trust and confidence
in all of their relationships. Just as it is the husband's role
to give his wife a sense of importance of status in connection
with her family responsibilities, so it is the wife's role to
give her husband support, encouragement, and sympathy
as his mood may demand.

As a mother, the woman has a more demanding task than
the man. She carries the child during pregnancy and is tied
down to the routine of feeding and care of the infant. Her
role demands that she study children, know how to feed, care
for, and handle them. This is less expected of fathers but
desirable if they assume part of this responsibility. When a
woman becomes a mother she needs to remember that she
has a husband and has certain obligations as a wife as well
as a mother. The husband needs to understand what the
burden of motherhood adds to his wife's work and responsi-
bility and adjust his demands accordingly, while at the
same time trying to cooperate in reducing the inevitable ad-
ditional work of parenthood.

As a homemaker, the woman is expected by her husband
and by society to be able to manage the affairs of the house-
hold efficiently, whether she does the work herself or hires
servants to do it. Her role in this regard involves a knowl-
edge of foods and nutrition, economical buying, the execu-
tion of household routines, and the creation of a condition
and an atmosphere of comfort, ease, and friendliness. Home
management is her business, as is gainful employment her
husband's. The acquiring of new knowledge and skills to
create a wholesome and happy home atmosphere is her main
task, just as it is her husband's task to increase his efficiency
and successfulness in his vocation. For some, this comes
more easily than for others. Many young women have
acquired favorable attitudes, knowledge, and skill in home-
making activities throughout the course of development,
whereas others start at scratch, so to speak, and have many
new things to learn and skills to acquire.

As a person in her own right, every woman who marries

SUCCESS OR FAILURE IN FAMILY DEVELOPMENT 211

needs to maintain interests which are peculiarly her own and
which may not in any way be family interests or joint inter-
ests with other members of the family. The job of being a
wife, mother, and homemaker are first in terms of responsi-
bility, but those women who have other outside interests
seem to bring much to their family life from those contacts
and seem to find them useful places to which to turn in
times of crisis.

Children in the Family

A family is successful when it fulfills its functions to the
satisfactions of husband and wife and the expectancy of the
culture in which it exists. The bearing and rearing of chil-
dren is both a personal satisfaction to married couples and a
social contribution to society. Measures of our success lie
in the degree to which we produce and rear healthy children,
give them a good education, direct their lives in such a way
that they achieve a reasonable degree of social, emotional,
and intellectual maturity, help them acquire a philosophy
of life as a guide in meeting life's problems successfully,
enable them to be economically self-sufficient, enable them
to establish good relationships with the opposite sex and
leave their own family at the time of marriage, help them
acquire social habits which insure good mental health, and
enable them to live within the conventions of the community.

The Family and Society

The family should strive to attain a respectable place in
the community, thus giving children a feeling of status and
of being proud of their own family in particular and of the
worthwhileness of family life in general.

In addition, that family is more successful which relates
itself with, and thereby also introduces its children to, the
important institutions of the community, such as those
which foster wholesome social and recreational activities
and entertainment, good educational advantages, normal
religious development, and efficient civic services.

CHAPTER XVI

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

The Universality of Crises

Life brings change. Change brings with it the inevitable
necessity for making adjustments. Many of them, however,
begin with little situations which in and of themselves may
not be major calamities, but which become crises both
because of their persistence and because of the nature of the
emotional stability of the individuals who have to meet the
problem. Thus, while any trivial situation might become a
crisis in the life of an individual, the degree to which it is
critical depends largely upon the extent to which he has
acquired a personality capable of facing and resolving
difficulties.

Kinds of Crises

There are two major kinds of crises which confront fam-
ilies. The one type is that experienced by everyone and
includes loss of economic support, death, severe and pro-
longed illness, and the like. The other type involves social
stigmas of various kinds, celibacy, and the major social
calamities such as war and economic inflation and depres-
sion.

Usual and Expected Crises

Loss of economic support is faced by the majority of couples
in the course of their married life. The occasion may be due
to conditions beyond an individual's control, such as the
severe and prolonged depression which occurred from 1933
to 1936, or it may be related to an accident or prolonged

212

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 213

illness. Such conditions are met by different families in dif-
ferent ways. Some go on governmental or social relief or
devote their every effort to finding some way of supple-
menting the family income after their unemployment com-
pensation ends; others become morose, irritable, and frus-
trated to the point where they are the cause of added strain
and conflict between themselves and other family members;
and others seek a divorce, desert their families, and, in some
cases, commit suicide. Under conditions of prolonged strain
such as this it is usually the strong personalities who meet
the situation successfully and the weaker ones who have the
most difficulty.

I recall two families who, during the depression of 1933,
met the crisis in very different ways. One family, consisting
of .a mother, father, and three children, were reduced from
an income of $250 a month to $80 a month. In their case,
they hunted for cheaper living quarters in a poorer neighbor-
hood, reduced their living to the barest minimum, and sought
aid from experts on buying and budgeting their expenses.
The wife wore her old clothes a little longer without com-
plaining, and the family sought ways of enjoying themselves
that did not cost money. When times improved, they re-
sumed their former economic status, perhaps the better for
having met these reverses the way they did.

The other case, where the parents were also college gradu-
ates, concerned a young man, his wife, and young baby.
He was out of work and refused to let his wife get a part time
job, and he remain home and help with the care of the baby.
The wife refused to move to a less pretentious neighborhood,
and their differences and unwillingness to meet the situation
realistically led to divorce.

Loss of economic support is more serious for women who
live on farms, where their husbands may be ill or be taken
by death, than for those who live in a large city, where
opportunities for gainful employment are greater.

When money ceases to flow through the family as usual,
the questions of the wife's working or of what things to give

214

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

up, such as the family car or an insurance policy, arise.
In addition, the children have to be curtailed in their inci-
dental expenditures for candy, movies, contributions to
charity drives at school, and so on. All of these adjustments
may create continuous grumbling and unhappiness or, when
met by more mature adjustment, can draw the family closer
together in their common planning, playing, sharing, and
living.

Severe and prolonged illness is a crisis in many, if not most,
homes at some time or another. The threatened loss of a
member brings added anxiety and strain to the family.
This, in turn, can bring members closer together, or it may
result in more irritability on the part of a tired and over-
worked mother and frustration to an anxious father.

Every illness disrupts the usual supper at six and other
household routines and demands that each well member take
some added responsibility and readjust to the new arrange-
ments. When health is regained, routines may again be
installed, and the family is more at ease, more normal, and
happier in spirit.

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 215

When the mother is ill the family routines suffer the most.
Many fathers have not become accustomed to sterilizing
baby bottles, preparing food, dressing three-year-old Johnny
and getting six-year-old Mary off to school. If the family
income is low and help scarce or inadequate, he may have to
do these things before he goes to work in the morning, and in
the evening he may have to get supper and look after house-
hold things and the children's bedtime routine. Of course,
it is much easier if a practical nurse or a maid can be afforded
or obtained at all.

Crises arising from family conflict situations are many and
varied. Among the most universal ones are those which are
associated with emancipation from the overprotection or
dependence upon our families, feeling of being unwanted and
rejected by a parent, and conflicts with relatives and between
brothers and sisters. These may seem trivial, but the experi-
ences of college age young people and older married couples
prove their seriousness.

Mary Lou is an example. She was very fond of her father
and thought he was fond of her. He was, but one day when
she was in high school she overheard him tell her mother
that he liked her younger sister much better than he did her.
This nearly broke her heart. She went to her room and cried
for what seemed to her hours. From that day until long after
she married, her feelings and attitudes toward her father
were different. She felt rejected, unwanted, and terribly
hurt. It also increased her feeling of resentment toward
her younger sister, which continues to persist.

Another similar incident is that of a mother who, because
her daughter forgot to send her an invitation to her eighth
grade graduation exercises, refused to go, and who, because
this daughter was not as "nice" as her younger sister, gave
her a candy box with rocks in it for Christmas with a note
saying, * * If you had learned to be as nice a girl as your sister,
you would have gotten candy in your box as she did."
This crisis in the life of this child will affect her relationship
to her family indefinitely.

216 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

A different kind of crisis situation arises between husband
and wife when they expect a child which neither wants.
They are confronted with the problem of facing an illegal
abortion or almost inevitably rejecting the child after birth,
thus crippling his development beyond remedy.

Perhaps the greatest threat to a happy marriage is when
some other man or woman enters the affections of husband
or wife. More often it is the husband who becomes involved,
both because of greater opportunity and lesser risk of dis-
covery. The underlying conditions which give rise to such
affairs may be the same for each. A nagging, irritable, com-
plaining husband or wife may force the other person to try
to find peace and comfort somewhere else. At fir ., it may be
at a bridge club or extra work at the office, and later it may
become an infatuation with a member of the opposite sex.
It may be that a wife, after the arrival of children, devotes
all of her time and attention to them, or a husband becomes
sp absorbed in, or driven by, his job that he forgets to func-
tion as a husband. The thing that many young people do
when this situation becomes known is to bring the crisis to
a head by asking for a divorce. The guilty person will often
be defensive or very humble, promising never to err again,
and the innocent party may feel overly sorry for himself or
punish the offender in many psychological ways, such as
being overly suspicious and jealous of his subsequent acts,
withholding normal sex relations, and many other personal
techniques of punishment. While it takes time to re-estab-
lish the same confidence and trust that existed previous to
the event, the innocent must try to do just this, and the
guilty so conduct himself that there is no need for suspicion.

There are some self-styled liberals who advocate freedom
of relations between married people and others outside
marriage. Some mature individuals seem to engage in such
relationships with those of whom they may be fond and have
longstanding friendships, but in general it is not a practice
that even the most liberal in theory seem able to adjust to
and accept in practice.

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 217

Bereavement

Becoming a widow or widower involves a break in the
family. It entails both the personal adjustment to bereave-
ment as well as readjustment to a single life again. Both
are difficult ones to make. It is, however, an almost certain
situation for many married women, since they usually outlive
their husbands.

When a husband dies, the first problem which confronts
the widow, especially if she has children or if she has never
worked or not worked for many years, is a financial one.
If she has children, it is often hard to provide for their care
during working hours.

The widower faces a different set of problems. He must,
if he has children, try to provide for them. He may get a
housekeeper, but good ones are hard to find. Often it is
necessary to parcel out children temporarily with relatives
or place them in foster homes until he can make more per-
manent arrangements for them. Being a man he often looks
around and remarries. This is a solution to some of his
problems of personal adjustment but often creates problems
of adjustment between the children and the new step-mother.
She is often sensitive in her new role, and the husband fre-
quently becomes defensive or over-protective about the
children or leans over backward in his desire to back up his
wife, causing hostility and antagonism on the part of the
children.

The response of a person to the crisis of bereavement may
take many forms. A certain amount of emotional hurt and
readjustment is expected and necessary. Beyond a certain
point, one becomes "chronically bereaved 1 ' and is in need
of medical attention. The ways of escape or outlets one
chooses when meeting a crisis situation will be determined
largely by what he has learned to do in similar but less acute
situations. If his habit has been to utilize the forms of outlet
which, if persisted in, lead to personal disorganization and
social maladjustment, he will no doubt turn to these. If he

218 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

has acquired the socially approved and personally construc-
tive avenues of release, his recovery will be quicker and more
assured.

Personal adjustment to bereavement is a matter of mental
hygiene and the pattern of response which the individual
has acquired for meeting disappointment and sorrow. One
person may become so engrossed in self-pity, aided by the
unwise counsel of friends, that he will never be able to face
life resolutely again. Another may take himself in hand and
utilize every channel of work and other creative outlets as
an aid to softening the emotional shock. Having met the
economic problem and that of the care of one's children,
where there are any, one then must reorganize his mode of
living on the basis of an interesting job, contacts with friends,
participation in social and club activities, and the building of
a life for one's self alone or with one's children, until, and if,
one remarries. There will be many hours of lonesomeness
which cannot be entirely avoided. The loss of constant and
happy companionship, the joint building of a home with a
person one loves, and the loss of normal, satisfying sex ex-
pression can only be partially substituted for. The person
who has had these may find it even more difficult to make a
satisfactory adjustment than the single person who has not
had them in the same sense or the divorced couple who, in
many instances, continue to see each other at intervals until
they remarry.

Owning one's home, having insurance and other savings
may lessen the economic burden. The emotional and per-
sonal hurt are lightened only by the degree of maturity of
the individuals who remain and the kind of philosophy of life
they have evolved for themselves.

Divorce as a Crisis

Divorce has been the cause of much unhappiness, and
much of the reason for divorce has been bad mating at the
outset. Divorce creates as many problems as it solves,
especially where children are involved. The causes of divorce

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 219

are complex. Basically, they are personality problems due
to mismating and conflicting ambitions, values, and needs of
the couple. The situation is accentuated by the anonymity
of life in large cities, weakening of social control over mar-
riage by the church and state, interference of relatives, and
the immaturity of those who marry.

The legal grounds for divorce usually include such things
as adultery, bigamy, extreme cruelty, desertion, conviction
of crime, habitual drunkenness, and nonsupport. The diver-
gence of opinion as to the factors which cause divorce is
shown by the following statements of a psychiatrist, three
judges and two ministers:

V.

11 Dr. W. J. Hickson, psychiatrist of the Chicago Court of
Domestic Relations, believed the principal causes of divorce to be:
(i) feeble-mindedness plus dementia praecox; (2) dementia
praecox; (3) feeble-mindedness.

"Judge Bradley Hull, once Director of the Bureau of Domestic
Relations in Cleveland, rejected the psychopathic theories and
listed the main causes as: (i) economic pinch primarily; (2) nerves;
(3) faulty education.

"Judge William L. Morgan of Chicago said: (i) poverty;
(2 y neglect of woman by husband; (3) low mentality; (4) drink;
(5) nagging; (6) improper sex mating.

"Judge C. W. Hoffman of the Cincinnati Court of Domestic
Relations believed nine out of ten divorces to be due to the sexual
degeneracy of the husband.

"Rev. John G. Benson, head of a Methodist Church clinic in
New York, listed: (i) adultery; (2) relatives; (3) physical incom-
patibility; (4) female independence.

"Rev. Ralph H. Ferris, Director of the Bureau of Domestic
Relations in Detroit, listed: (i) hasty marriage on physical attrac-
tion followed by quarrels when economic pinch occurs; (2) lack of
religion; (3) drink; (4) uncontrolled temper." (20)

These, however, represent basic causes for marital con-
flict which usually begin soon after marriage in the little
bickerings and conflicts discussed more in detail in previous
chapters on adjustments in marriage.

There are no doubt many mismated couples, in no way
suited to each other, who would be better off divorced and

220 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

married to someone else. Part of the remedy for these
divorces lies in less hasty courtship and marriage. On the
other hand, successful marriage is a learning process. How-
ever well individuals know each other beforehand, they still
have to learn how to live together, share, give up, compro-
mise, make adjustments and common plans together. To
live, one must experience; and all experience is to some
degree new experience. Even the second or tenth game of
chess, building one's fourth house, having a third baby,
and marrying a second time are new experiences, though
the elements common in such repetitions may facilitate
the process, reduce anxiety, and enhance the value of the
result.

Another important characteristic of experience is the kind
of attitudes and feelings accompanying it. The quality of
initial experience is unusually potent in determining the
effective tone of the individual toward it and toward repeti-
tions of the experience. Thus, a second marriage may be no
more successful than a first, if one does not find a person who
is a better complement to his needs and in greater harmony
with his behavior, standards, ideas, and ambitions. Simi-
larities noted between the experiences of the divorced and
the bereaved are often far reaching:

41 1. In both there is the loss of a former love-object which
changes the whole life situation.

"2. Internal and (usually) external adjustments are slow, and
largely unplanned, uncontrolled, automatic. The main outlines of
these adjustments are essentially similar. The slower the adjust-
ments, the more apt they are to be thorough, permanent, and
satisfactory.

"3. There are similar yearnings, frustrations, and sense of
emptiness.

"4. There are many similar insistent habits and impulses to
be reconditioned, broken, or transferred piecemeal, and some of
these may prove persistent beyond control.

"5. The reintegration of new habits into some new system of
living is often similar.

"6. In both experiences there is dream-work and fantasy for-
mation as a phase of unadjustment or reorientation of attitudes.

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 221

"7. In each there is a gradual piecemeal canceling of memory
by actuality; each memory is checked off with a twinge as no
longer true.

"8. The divorced and the bereaved may both reactivate roles
played before marriage though this is probably more frequent
for the divorced than for the bereaved.

"9. For both the bereaved and the divorced there is apt to be
an increase of self-centeredness ; one would be driven in on self
even in the absence of self-conscious uncertainties and defenses.

" 10. Either group may find recovery through work, or routine,
or ceremonials, which are the first activities to regain meaningful-
ness after the period of 'emptiness.'

"n. Either may indulge in 'confessional* confidences, or in
forced pleasures in hope of escaping from or relieving tensions.

" 12. In both, the habit of conceiving one's role as unhappy may
outlast the tensions which constitute the unhappiness. When
spontaneous pain is gone, mourning, if continued, may then become
merely ritual or patterned autosuggestion.

11 13. In both there is often the gradual discovery of new love-
objects ; for the divorced of tener than for the widowed they may
constitute a series of substitutes.

"14. For both there are similar patterns of personal disorganiza-
tion or reorganization of life habits, with some new philosophy of
life emerging therefrom. " (21)

Children and Divorce

Apart from the problem of adult readjustment to divorce,
there is a serious problem of its effect upon children. Legally
the tendency is to award children of younger age to the
mother and older children to the father. This varies in
different legal jurisdictions. But more important than who
gets their legal custody is the effect upon the normal develop-
ment and attachments of the children to mother and father
and their need for a stable family pattern as a guide for their
own values and conduct. There is all too often a pulling and
hauling at the child from both sides. His social status in his
play group is affected, and his whole attitude toward mar-
riage may become cynical and warped. Juvenile delin-
quency, youthful sex offenders, and adolescent crime are a
few of the results that are, to a large degree, traceable to
irregular and disorganized family life.

222 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Childlessness as a Crisis

Occasionally a couple will have to face the problem of
sterility, of a miscarriage, or of a stillborn child. These are
not the usual experiences of married people but constitute
real crises when encountered. True sterility cannot be
cured. The best solution, when it is definitely known that
one cannot have children of their own, is to adopt one or
more babies over a period of years. Taken a few days or
weeks after birth, they become as much a part of one's
family as if they were one's own. They should be told that
they are adopted and given reassurance of one's love for
them. Many sad situations arise when children learn of
their being adopted only after they are grown or are ready
to marry.

Crises Which Involve Social Stigma

Occasionally a family is faced with those kinds of crises
which carry with them a certain amount of social stigma.
One's husband may become a chronic drinker and create
many kinds of family problems. Abuse of the wife and
children, spending income for drink when it is needed for
the family, neglect of one's job, and physical and mental
deterioration are some of the consequences of alcoholism.
Expert psychiatric help is the best approach to a solution.

Children may become delinquent and have to go before
the juvenile court. Criminal acts may have been com-
mitted by an adult or a child. A girl of high-school or college
age may unfortunately become pregnant. She and her family
are faced with a decision between having the baby and
adopting it out immediately after birth or trying to cover
up by having a criminal abortion. These are not situations
which have to be met by most individuals and families, but
when they occur they are not always intelligently met.

Having a baby that is, or becomes, mentally deficient or
abnormal is another difficult situation some parents have to
face. Usually no social stigma should be attached to such
an event. There are too many possibilities of malformation

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 223

in prenatal development and of birth injuries to feel that
there is any stigma associated with it. The shock and
adjustment to it are not easy, but in most cases the parent
should not indulge in self -blame.

The Unmarried

For the average normal young person of eighteen or twenty
years of age, about nine out of every ten can expect to marry.
This leaves approximately 10 per cent of the population who
never marry. In addition to these, there are about 500,000
married women widowed each year and a small percentage
of the married population divorced. This brings the per-
centage of the population who live their lives as unmarried
to a fairly high proportion of the total, if the figure is taken
at any one time. But of course a goodly number of the
widowed and divorced remarry. Let us consider the three
classes of the unmarried in terms of their family life.

The Single Who Never Marry

It is absurd to speak of any group or individual as per-
manently unmarried. Every single, widowed, or divorced
person has a chance of possible marriage, although as one
grows older there is a decreasing chance of marriage because
the proportion of eligible and desirable unmarried partners
is less.

In talking of the single who never marry, one is speaking
of an undefined group. Nearly every young woman looks
forward to and hopes that she will marry and have a home
and children of her own. Yet each one is confronted with
uncertainty as to when the right man will come along. As
a consequence, she must live much of her life in a state of
uncertainty. Often she must be prepared to improve her-
self for the eventuality of a permanent career instead of
accepting her work as merely "fill in time" before marriage.

Figure 5 presents a diagrammatic sketch which indicates
the alternative possibilities for which every woman must pre-
pare herself. Some girls go through school, work a little,

224 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

marry, and never again enter a gainful occupation. Others
may finish school, take a job, and live the rest of their lives
hoping they will marry and never doing much to equip
themselves for occupational advancement. Still others work,
marry, then, because of death or other crises, have to retrain
themselves for gainful employment and soon after may again
marry. Woman's role is indeed a much more complicated
one than that of man.

Vocational Training
for Interim
Gainful Employment

Interim or
Permanent Gainful
Employment

Old-age Goal

/ j

,' >

Parental-Cultural
Objective for
Girls at Birth 7

> 1 >/

/ \

/ Elementary, \

Secondary, College )
Training Emphasis

Interim Gainful
L Employment
V* 1 /

/ Marriage, Home,
1 \ Family f

\ * !

Marriage,
Home, Family

* \

Marriage, ^

( 1

/* \

' Marriage, '

Home, Family

\ \-J

Marriage, Home, Family

Marriage,
Home, Family

Fig' 5- Direction of women* s life realistically conceived.

A man's life has a much more consistent trend. His en-
tire drive is toward achieving vocational success. Marriage,
for him, is a matter of choice and is probably secondary in
importance, even though it may be a great convenience and
an asset to his personal, social, and economic development.
Yet there are many men who never marry.

There are many and complex reasons why individuals
remain single. No one actually knows how much personality
factors are responsible for nonmarriage. Certainly there are,
no doubt, many superficial reasons given for nonmarriage
which, if investigated further, would be found to be basic
personality reasons. These reasons are not only unstudied,
but are even more unknown to the individual himself. Since
marriage is a paired relationship, the finding of a mate com-
plement is even more difficult. We have a hint as to one
major cause in the way in which we acquire friendliness
patterns in the course of our development, as discussed in
the earlier chapters of this book.

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 225

In many localities the sex distribution is disproportionate
and, as a consequence, in some cases there are too many
women for the available men, or too many men for the
available women. Congested areas where many women are
employed is probably a poor place for a young woman to
take a position, if she is interested in meeting eligible men
and wants to marry. It would be equally "undesirable for a
young man to go west to any one of the many mining, cattle
raising, or logging communities where men predominate.
One's occupation and the type of community in which one
is situated are important factors. The occupations which
seem to have the lowest marriage opportunity for women
are medicine, social work, library work, dietetics, teaching,
law, and nursing. In large cities it is often difficult to make
desirable contacts, and there are few opportunities for living
in other than sex segregated groups. In small and rural
communities, the professionally trained women must often
choose between nonmarriage or accepting a man of lower
educational and often cultural standards than her own. Go-
ing to college may doom some young women to spinsterhood
because of the scarcity of eligible men of her age as she
grows older, as well as of the emphasis often placed by insti-
tutions upon vocational achievement.

Family reasons are valid ones. Sometimes one will need
to assume the support of younger children or invalid parents.
In other instances, parental influence or disapproval prevents
one from marrying the person of his choice. There are some
young men and women who never are able to emancipate
themselves from a mother or father. A young man always
must make a distinction between his devotion to his mother
and the love he professes for his sweetheart. If he has too
strong a parental fixation he should probably not marry. A
wife has one role to perform and a mother has another, both
before and after marriage. If we could recognize each per-
son's contribution to the newly established set of relation-
ships, much unnecessary conflict might be avoided.

One's ideas about men, marriage, and the kind of person

226 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

or home one wants may interfere with getting married. If
one's personal ambitions and desires are unrelated to mar-
riage, that person will often avoid matrimony. Others may
have peculiar attitudes toward men or women due to early
training or a single unfortunate experience or from having
grown up in an unhappy or broken home. Still others fail
to marry because they have built up an ideal for a mate, the
like of which does not exist in reality. One may have been
disillusioned or disappointed in a love affair, may be in
chronic poor health, or may have many conscious or uncon-
scious fears of marriage. These fears may be general or
specific. One may have a general fear of taking a risk, of
which marriage has many. One may be vaguely afraid that
he will not be able to fulfill what he thinks are the expecta-
tions of the other person. On the other hand, he may fear
sex, pregnancy, being responsible for children if and when
they come, or that marriage will cramp his style and inter-
fere with the satisfactions of his personal pleasures. This
latter, not too uncommonly held view is the one based upon
the premise that one has fun while single, but when one
marries, fun in life is over.

What to Do About Singleness

If one wants to marry, most of the reasons for nonmar-
riage just discussed can be overcome. The individual who
works in an area where there are too few of the opposite sex
can usually move to another section of the country, if he
can stand pulling up stakes and leaving the security of his
family. One who has an overly developed sense of devotion
to his parents will no doubt continue that devotion and
forego marriage, but he may get help from a trained coun-
selor which may help him to emancipate himself. Very often
we get more satisfaction out of what we are doing than we
anticipate we would get from the thing we are always talk-
ing about wanting to do and therefore we do not make much
effort in the other direction. Many of the personal handicaps
to mating and marriage can be overcome. Here again it

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 227

may take the help of an understanding counselor to give the
added push, but if the urge is there, and a person truly wants
to marry, he can usually overcome most obstacles.

The war has created a temporary and unusual situation
for a portion of the population, especially the girl who has
just graduated from college. Men older than she, and de-
sirable, are either already married to younger girls or are
away. Her younger sisters in later high school and early
college are having many more opportunities to marry and
with some possibility of selective choice.

If One Does Not Marry

If, because of circumstances or choice, one does not marry,
it need not be a crisis in one's life. Concentrate upon pre-
paring yourself for a useful and successful career, not shut-
ting out the possibility of marriage but, nevertheless, having
some kind of interesting and useful work that has a future.
Maintain a wide set of contacts with friends of both sexes
and with married people. Develop interests in sports, cul-
tural and social activities, as well as other forms of recrea-
tion. Be the kind of person others would like to know.
Friends are just other people like yourself who want to be
friendly but are afraid you will not be. Establish for your-
self a home where, either alone or with another person, you
can have most of the satisfactions which home life offers,
your own furniture, your own fireplace, your own garden,
pets, etc. Become a part of the institutional life of your
community, church, school, YMCA or YWCA, youth
activities, and many others. Recognize the fact that mar-
riage is no cure-all for one's difficulties but often adds prob-
lems and responsibilities which the single person does not
have to meet. Realize that sex unawakened is easier to
deal with than it is after one has engaged in unconventional
affairs. Be and act normal. Do not go through life feeling
sorry for yourself, rejecting your feminine role, hating men
or life in general. These all defeat both prospect for marriage
and family, and maximum happiness if one never marries.

228 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

When One Has Problems

It is proper for individuals to be self -sufficient and solve
their own problems, but with family problems, just as with
medical ones, the individual cannot always diagnose his own
case and prescribe the necessary treatment.

There is need for professional counsel. Clinical psycholo-
gists, ministers, physicians, teachers, social workers, public
health nurses, youth leaders, and marriage counselors are
available in most large centers and some smaller ones. In-
creasingly, each profession is supplementing its training, so
that the younger men and women graduating are more com-
petent to advise on family matters than they may have been
a generation ago. The first advice, when problems arise
that you seem unable to solve, is to seek out the best person
you can find in your locality. There are some things, how-
ever, that everyone should know about these counselors,
which may make it easier to seek their advice.

What Good Counselors Do Not Do

They do not order you to do or forbid you doing what
you want to do. They do not ask you to sign any pledges
or make any promises to them. They do not pat you on
the back and tell you there is nothing the matter and to
forget your symptoms. They will not give you specific advice
as to what they think you should or should not do. They
will not condemn, but will try to understand and help you.

What a Good Counselor Will Try To Do

He will be sympathetic and will try to understand your
situation. He will try to help you see your problem in clear
perspective. He will try to help you decide what you wish
to do about the problem. He will try to help you make
decisions when alternative choices are involved. He will try
to help you in such a way that you can not only solve your
present problem but be able to meet future problems more
adequately. He will probably want to see you several times,
depending upon the nature of your problems. He will be a

CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS 229

person in whom you can confide and have no fear that he
will discuss your problem with others. He will keep your
ideals and goals in mind at all times. He will try to help
you understand the difference between what are sympto-
matic problems and those which are basic. He will try to
help you recognize that you are the one who, throughout
and as a result of the counseling process, will work out your
own problem in terms of your ideals, goals, and according
to your own set of values. He will allow you to take as
much time as is needed to arrive at a sound answer for you
and will not continue the appointments beyond necessary
limits. He will help you, where possible, or find for you a
place where you can get help, if he is not the person to deal
with your problem.

There are no protjjems, however trivial they may seem
to us, that should not be faced and worked on as soon as
possible. Many individuals are afraid to try to solve their
problem, because they fear possible fault on their part and
that, beyond their own sense of guilt, the counselor or part-
ner, if married, will condemn them. The straightforward,
honest couple talk about their differences and arrive at a
solution of them. They learn to compromise and reach a
decision, whereas many other couples avoid discussing little
problems, letting them smoulder until they become crises.
It is never a mistake to admit that one is sorry or has been
wrong in what he has done. The person who can admit to
himself that he needs help and seeks it, from his spouse or
a counselor, is ready to be helped and in all likelihood will
get results.

CHAPTER XVII

THE INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY

Just as marriage is a negation of individualism, so is soci-
ety a restrictive force in what individuals and family groups
may do or become.

At the outset of our civilization we had biological matings
which probably resulted in the formulation of certain rules
or restrictions (taboos) on human relationships, particularly
between the sexes. The regulation of the sexes before mar-
riage and the establishment of marriage as a religious and
state sanctioned institution came into being. Thus, from the
very beginning and among all peoples, marriage and the
family have been a concern of the state. There is a great
body of common law as well as statutory law which rules on
practically every aspect of marriage and family relationships.
The variety of forms of human association is almost limitless.
What seems to us right and proper may be a grievous viola-
tion of some rule in another culture, and vice versa. We may
say, therefore, that society creates the sanctions and restric-
tions which govern human association. Every aspect of
effort devoted toward self -maintenance, protection, and gov-
ernment, self-gratification and religion influences individuals
and hence their relationships to each other. The economic
organization of human affairs alone affects marriage in sev-
eral ways: first, it may form the basis for a polygamous or
monogamous form of family life; second, it may offset the
degree to which family life is largely patriarchal, matriarchal
or other pattern ; third, it may create conditions which pro-
vide a reasonably adequate standard of living for all, a pov-

230

THE INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY 231

erty for the masses and riches for the few; fourth, these
conditions may in time affect marriage rates, divorce and
desertion rates, sex delinquency, illegitimacy, prostitution,
crime, birth rates, et al. ; fifth, it may create conditions which
actuate inflationary poverty and depressionary wealth; sixth,
it may foster such attitudes of competitive individualism as
to be destructive to the democratic, social, and religious
philosophy in our culture; seventh, it may be so geared to
social welfare motives as to make for the maximum of eco-
nomic wellbeing for every class of the population; and,
eighth, it may foster such practices in advertising, selling,
and deception in the quantities and qualities of products
produced, as to contribute to family poverty and personal
attitudes of hostility and resentment that are the seeds of
economic revolution.

In the attempt of every society to provide means for the
satisfaction of individual needs for play, recreation, and
other social activities, some forms become commercialized
and others remain in the nature of individual and folk experi-
ences. These opportunities may be fostered by the public
policy of a society or be made restrictive by them. Where
they are left entirely to commercial endeavor, there is a
tendency for them to be at such cost or of such quality as to
eliminate many from their enjoyment.

The Family's Social Function Today

In spite of the fact that society does many things which
tend to disrupt family life and few basically to conserve and
promote its successful functioning, the family still performs
many useful functions for both the individual and society.
Any classification of these functions tends to break down
because family life is both changing and complex. The best
way to evaluate the functions performed by the present day
family is to look at families and see, in so far as possible,
what they do. .

Marriage provides, for a young man and woman, a home
where privacy, companionship, and socially approved sex

232 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

relations may occur. This home-giving form of economic
cooperation and psycho-sexual companionship has always
been one of the basic contributions of marriage to the adults
of the population. While changing conditions may alter the
form, the basic function remains.

Marriage has still a certain status-giving value for men
and particularly for women and children. This function is
especially important for the child as he grows to maturity.

Home ownership gives a place basis for family solidarity.
For any social group to have a place basis adds to its solidar-
ity and persistence, whereas insecurity of place or too fre-
quent mobility, with no intermediary fixed place of abode,
tends to disorganize and disrupt the life of the family. We
still have millions of families for whom stability is given
their daily life through having a home place of residence.

The family is still an economic division of labor between
men and women. It serves economic advantages for each.
Even though, as Ogburn puts it, the woman no longer makes
her own bread or does her own sewing or laundry (but many
still do), and the man is at the shop or office a few miles away
instead of in the adjoining room or field, the economic func-
tion of mutual aid and specific contribution of this form of
life persists. The child also, while no longer an apprentice
to his father, except perhaps on farms, must be inducted
into a pecuniary capitalistic system, and the responsibility
for this is no easy one for the average family.

The family still provides protection for the child, his care
and nurture, his concepts of right and wrong in his relations
to the outside world, and cultural guidance in protecting him
from influences and conditions that are to his disadvantage.
For these functions the family still is held legally respon-
sible.

As an educational and social, emotional conditioning influ-
ence, the family has always been important. Besides the
actual physical care and help in attaining proper physical
development, the family educates the child in every area of
his life and reinforces the formal education he receives from

THE INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY 233

outside agencies, including the school. This function is just
as important today as it ever was.

The reproductive function has remained one of the basic
functions of the family. True, the number of children per
family has decreased considerably, but this is more the
result of technological development, our economic system,
and public policy than a fault of the family.

Actual religious institutions and practices have lost con-
siderable ground in present day family life. This is more
true in urban centers than in rural areas. The basic philos-
ophy of life, including such things as respect for personality,
human social attitudes, social, religious, economic, political,
and other prejudices, etc., is still fundamentally one which
the individual acquires as a result of family experience. The
function needs to be improved so that the quality of outcome
is better, but the function still remains an important one.

The recreational function is now largely a commercial or
extrafamilial one with children and adults, except in the
earlier years of the child's life. Here, literature, constructive
play, music, art, parties, trips, vacations with family mem-
bers, and other forms of recreation constitute a part of what
families do together. This function has lost in what it does
but not in its directive responsibility of guiding the child's
selection of outside social and recreational participation, as
well as the selection of his own forms of recreation.

Companionship, affection, a sense of importance, of being
wanted, of belonging, are basically functions which the fam-
ily still provides for husbands, wives, and children. It is also
a progressive function which exists throughout the entire
span of each family generation. No social substitute in the
community has been evolved which provides for individuals
the same satisfactions in this area as do successful marriage
and family relationships of a high quality.

The by-products of planned activities are ofttimes as
important as the activities themselves. Some say that it is
not important that the family commune together frequently
in order that it be a happy relationship with a high degree

234 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

of solidarity. While this may be true in many cases, in the
long run I believe that many common relationships, shared
by the members of the household, make for a degree of
appreciation of and respect for the interests, ambitions, prob-
lems, and needs of each other that can be attained in no
other way.

" To be emotionally and sexually compatible, to supplement each
other and to be a stimulus to each other, so that each one reaches a
higher level of development because of marriage, to find with each
other the satisfying companionship which means that pleasures
are at hand and burdens lightened by sharing them, all these make
marriage an experience which one supremely desires may be a last-
ing one. It would seem that a marriage based on love which had
in it not only mutual attraction and sex urge, but also elements of
unselfishness and willingness to adapt to another, as well as ele-
ments which make for truly satisfactory companionship, had in it
those elements which modern marriage requires. If, in addition
to the mutual satisfaction found in each other, the husband and
wife desire children and are prepared to assume an intelligent
responsibility toward helping those children attain satisfactory
growth, we have a marriage which has laid the cornerstone for a
successful family life. ' ' (22)

The Family and the Individual

The importance of the family should not be underesti-
mated in what it does to and for the individual, both con-
structively and destructively. First, the human matings of
a family determine the hereditary potentialities of the off-
spring. There are certain physical characteristics, such as
stature, hair, and eye color, which can be definitely predicted.
But the more important aspects of heredity are less well
known. We know with a fair degree of certainty that cer-
tain diseases, such as asthma, hay fever, diabetes, and some
types of deafness and blindness have real gene inheritance,
whereas others, such as syphilis, heart disease, and alcohol-
ism, do not.

Thus it is clear that the family is important because it
gives its offspring the potential possibility of good or bad
heredity which can be passed on from generation to genera-

THE INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY 235

tion. These diseases may not always be a ban on marriage
but may point to the need for consideration with reference
to childbearing.

Second, family experience is an almost universal human
experience. Only about i per cent of children under ten years
of age are being cared for in homes or institutions apart from
their natural parents. If we begin with one hundred thou-
sand babies at birth, some will die, some will be of such low
grade mentality as never to live outside an institution, and
others will have peculiarities which, for some reason, prevent
their normal development. But 78 per cent of them will
grow up and marry, and about 85 per cent of those who
marry will become parents. Looking at it another way,
57 per cent of the one hundred and thirty million persons in
our population spend most of their time in home activities,
for 23 per cent are homemakers, 19 per cent are young people,
1 1 per cent are children under school age, and 4 per cent are
feeble or aged.

Third, the family is an interpreter, modifier, and trans-
mitter of the sanctions and restrictions of the culture into
which their children are born. Thus, parental attitudes
toward what our democratic society believes and is striving
for are passed on early in life to the children.

Fourth, family experience is perhaps the most potent one
in the formation of the individual's physical, social, emo-
tional, and personality patterns. His prejudices and biases,
beliefs and feelings about matters of economics, politics,
race, religion, education, work,^ social values, and so on, as
well as his personality structure, are early formed from his
family experience. His basic personality structure is prob-
ably a matter of heredity, whereas his manifestations of per-
sonality characteristics are a matter of learned experience.

Fifth, prolonged infancy is largely a human characteristic.
The young of other forms of animal life grow into maturity
more rapidly and are, therefore, dependent upon the care of
parents a shorter period of time. The effects of prolonged
infancy have numerous implications for the child and parent.

236 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

1. This long period of dependency facilitates learning and
results in intellectual and cultural progress.

2. The growth of parental attitudes is inspired by the
child's helplessness, trust, and affection.

3. These newly created parental attitudes give rise to
altruistic, as contrasted with sexual, love. These in
turn are transmitted as attitudes to children. The
home becomes the center for nurturing altruistic, dem-
ocratic, and spiritual ideals.

4. Prolongation of dependency provides a longer period of
training and education, thus emphasizing the impor-
tance of the family as an educational experience.

5. Prolonged infancy also offers the possibility that the
child will be kept infantile beyond the chronological
age when he should have become socially and emotion-
ally mature and independent of his family. It makes
it possible for the parent to do great damage to the
individual's development and maturity.

6. The parent may also, however, be a great aid to him in
maturing and becoming a part of the adult world.

We come into the family helpless. Our parents are in a
sense dictators. They make all the decisions and set the
stage for our normal or abnormal development. They should
gradually relinquish this authoritarian position so that we,
as infants, the objects of their love or hate or indifference,
can gradually become not only competitors for family goods,
services, and affections but democratic participants in the
decisions and affairs of family life. The family does every-
thing to us that is important in shaping our tendencies
toward maturity or immaturity, success or failure, happiness
or unhappiness.

CHAPTER XVIII

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME

War is one form of major calamity which is the result oi
man's ignorance of how to organize his common life. It
grows out of conflicting philosophies of economics, politics,
and social and religious welfare. As long as there are both
autocratic and democratic forms of government, wars will
last. It is only where freedom exists that there is the oppor-
tunity for a peaceful solution to conflict, progressive change,
and ultimate individual and group advancement. The
problem is, how can conflict be so localized and dispersed
as to provide socially constructive ways for individuals to
give vent to their repressed hostilities? What manner of
freedom, of self-expression, of democracy will keep the chan-
nels open so that a free people can remain free, and monopo-
listic and dishonest groups cannot distort the philosophy or
techniques of free living. As long as the democratic process
has the incentive and the method of organization to func-
tion freely, the forces of education and religion can gradually
raise the ideals and capacity of. mankind to the point where
it can endure the sacrifices and enjoy the benefits which
peace might bring. Very apropos is the retort of a great
preacher who, when asked "Why, if God was so all power-
ful, he did not stop this horrible war?" replied that God
was not concerned with stopping wars but with making a
warproof man. The solution to war lies in the kind of
philosophy of human personality and human relationships
in which the majority of individuals believe. We cannot
teach the golden rule in family life and expect our chil-

237

238 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

dren to become more than cannon fodder if we do not do
something to change the selfish cutthroat, dog-eat-dog
competition of our economic system, the intolerance which
exists in our religious philosophy, and the graft and corrup-
tion in political circles. If man wants these things, he has
them. He evidently wants them, or he would be less lacka-
daisical in the performance of his public duties. We must
have a vital, dynamic, aggressively democratic education
and family experience for everyone if we are to solve the
problem of democratic social living.

As Professor Lindeman has so well said :

"Family experience may become a training course for the build-
ing of habits on the part of family members which lead either to
power over or power with ; if it is the former, the family will become
a hindrance to democracy, and if the latter, family experience may
become a potent source of habit-building for democratic conduct.

11 Because of its very intimacy family life becomes at one and the
same time the most fruitful and the most fateful of all human rela-
tionships since it is due to this intimacy that so many of the
ensuing tensions and conflicts are suppressed. The freedom which
democracy grants is the antithesis of suppression. Likewise, the
authority which is integral to the democratic process is the opposite
of that variety of order which accompanies dictatorships and
absolute or totalitarian states. Modern absolutists seem to want
order for the sake of order. Those who believe in democracy desire
order for the sake of true freedom.

"In the intimate processes of family life may be built up atti-
tudes and habits which are basic to the system of values which
holds democratic society together." (23)

Marriage in Wartime

Marriage creates for most people as many problems as it
solves, war or no war. Even in peacetime a third to a sixth
of all marriages end in the divorce court. It is difficult,
therefore, to say what effect war, as an isolated fact, has
upon success or failure, happiness or unhappiness, stability
or instability in marriage. It would seem a fair assumption
that individuals who are emotionally mature, intelligent,
and earnest are likely to succeed at any time, whereas the

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME

239

weak, ineffectual, neurotic person would eventually fail at
marriage in any period.

Let us first distinguish between "war marriage" and
"marriage in wartime." War marriages, for the most part,
are thought of as those over-night or week-end love at first

sight affairs, which are entered into with little background
of acquaintance or preparation. They satisfy chiefly an
immediate lonesomeness on the part of one or both parties,
an uncontrolled sex urge, and the social pressure of the time,
heightened by the emotion of wartime psychology. Mar-
riages of this kind have always existed, however, and con-
stitute a large clientele of peacetime divorce courts. Most
authorities, as well as sensible young men and women, dis-
approve of these as doomed to failure for the majority at the
outset.

But many marriages in wartime are somewhat different.
The couple know each other. They have lived in similar
surroundings, know something of each other's families,

240 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

have had at least a year's acquaintance, are as reasonably
well matched as a couple in peacetime would be, and their
marriage is consummated ahead of schedule only because
of the war. These marriages can succeed as well as mar-
riages consummated at any time.

Neither the war nor any other catastrophe will bring a
stop to the basic needs of human beings, particularly to
those needs which are best satisfied through marriage and
family life.

In spite of the fact that 1776, 1812, 1837, 1851, 1876, 1906,
1914, 1932, and 1939 have all brought periods of war or
depression or other hardships, people have kept right on
marrying and having all kinds of family relationships, good
and bad. Marriages and family affairs seem to go on, regard-
less of the state in which the world finds itself.

The three basic problems in wartime are the same as in
any other time, viz. :

1 . Are the two people who marry well mated to begin with ?

2. Once married, will the couple utilize the resources avail-
able which may contribute to the solution of many of
their problems, born of ignorance?

3. Is the way of life called marriage important enough to
cause each sufficiently to forego his own ego-centric
nature as to be able to make the necessary adjustments
which marriage demands?

In the past the average couple, living in a large industrial
city like Detroit, had two chances out of three of their mar-
riage's not ending in divorce, and, for the country as a whole,
about four chances out of five. Their chance of success is
greater if they live on a farm or in a small rural community
and less the larger the city they live in. So we must be
careful not to blame the war for events that happen all the
time anyway. People do not get married and live happily
ever after. They never do. They are happy some of the
time and unhappy some of the time, married, single, wid-
owed, or divorced, with one's spouse or away from him.

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME 241

The number of marriages tends always to increase just
before and at the beginning of war, to decrease during the
period of the war, and increase following a war. Marriages
also tend to increase in number when times are good and to
decrease in hard times.

While our divorce rate has been on the increase for
seventy -five years, it also tends to decrease during depression
and increase as jobs and income are on the increase.

The birth rate also follows these other trends. As mar-
riages increase, a year later we begin to get a bigger crop'of
babies, but over a long period of time we have been decreas-
ing the size of the American family. In 1720 there were
nearly six persons per family, whereas at present there are
less than four,

Three Crises in Twenty-five Years

World War No. I was followed by a number of significant
events which affected marriage and family life.

1. There was, for several years, an unprecedented finan-
cial boom. This spurt of so-called "good times"
resulted in more marriages, more divorces, and more
sex experimentation than we had ever known.

2. There was a general breakdown in the mores. That is,
every heretofore accepted code of moral conduct
between the sexes, before and after marriage, was held
up to critical judgment. There was a flood of books on
sex, companionate marriage, love in the machine age,
birth control and similar topics. Sex experimentation
was rampant. Everyone, young and old alike, thought
they must try out this new idea of freedom. There was
a revolution in thinking about marriage and the family.
Every traditional concept was brought into question:

a. The relation and authority of parents to children,
and

b. The child's responsibility to his parents.

3. Sex purity before and after marriage was questioned.

242 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

4. Husband-wife relationships were altered.

5. The importance of sex in marriage was emphasized.

6. Demand for more effective contraceptives arose.

The prevailing tenor of public opinion was that marriage
and family life had outlived their usefulness and that the
home was of questionable value to civilization. Along with
all this there was a flood of articles and books on and about
sex, marriage, family relationships, and home life.

As to the relationship of World War I to marriage, it is
difficult to separate those results due to changing economic
conditions and those arising from the war itself.

The Depression of 1933 was a more sudden blow to most
city dwellers than to the farmers. The serious depression
for farmers began about 1919 but the urban population
enjoyed abounding prosperity for ten years longer until the
stock market crash of 1929. The full effects of this major
financial crisis did not appear, however, until the time of
the fall elections of 1932 and the closing of the banks through-
out the country a few weeks later. The so-called New Deal
brought the N.R.A., the N.Y.A., W.P.A. and many emer-
gency measures of alleviation. Millions of people for the
first time in their lives were on public relief rolls. Young
people were unable to finish school or find jobs. Thus, again,
a major calamity had its effect upon marriage and family life.

1. Young people of marriageable age were raising ques-
tions about subsidized marriages, wives' working and
supporting unemployed husbands, what to do with their
thwarted sex urge, and whether life held anything for
them in the years to come. Youth was pessimistic and
unrestful. The economic system came in for much
critical analysis. There was the lowest marriage rate
in our history.

2. There was increased stress and strain on already estab-
lished families. The weak personalities cracked up and
the stronger ones survived, as is always the case.

3. There was a swing back to the idea of the importance

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME 243

of the family as a basic "cornerstone" of democratic
society.

4. A new emphasis was given education and counseling
along family lines. Nursery schools, marriage courses,
family counseling services, and research on marriage
and family life took on new vigor.

World War II presents an entirely different picture com-
pared to 1919 and 1933 :

1. Jobs are plentiful. Manpower is short. Wages are the
highest ever paid to wage earners and tax burdens are
the heaviest.

2. We have had another spurt in marriages. Over 1,800,-
ooo marriages took place in 1942, the highest number
in our history. Many were * * war marriages, ' ' and many
were usual marriages in wartime.

3. The shortage of manpower is causing millions of women
of all ages to take gainful employment for the first time
in years or in their lives. New fields of work and ave-
nues of training have been opened to women. The WAC
and WAVES and SPARS are new terms and fields of
female endeavor.

4. The cost of living is increasing rapidly in spite of gov-
ernment attempts at price control and rationing. Young
people in high school are making wages higher than
many of their fathers ever earned.

5. Millions of young men are being inducted into the army.

These and other factors are resulting in many problems
for families hours of work for both husband and wife are
irregular; mothers and family members are separated more
often; there are more absentee husbands; children have less
adequate care and supervision; homes are crowded, and
abnormal living arrangements exist in many places; certain
areas have become centers of abnormal and unstable com-
munity and family life due to trailer camps and the mush-
room growth of communities with few of the usual health
facilities.

244 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

War Brings Frustration and Change

There is nothing more frustrating during a crisis than
uncertainty, and there is no doubt that today we face a
world of indecision and instability.

There is instability in our national life. Decisions made
one week are changed the next. Policies formulated today
may be altered tomorrow in order to meet unforeseen emer-
gencies.

There is instability in community life. Those responsible
for what are ordinarily programs of production, distribu-
tion, social welfare, and education are trying to revamp their
normal activities to meet situations which are abnormal and
impossible of day-to-day prediction.

The school which affects the lives of thousands of young
men and women finds itself confronted with the gigantic
task of completely reorganizing the curriculum to emer-
gencies of war needs. Administrators and teachers alike are
also setting a pattern of instability for their students because
they themselves are not certain as to the type of policy and
program which will best meet present day demands and the
future needs of youth.

This same state of confusion, beginning in national affairs
and carried down into state and local community activities,
is acutely manifested in the family relationships of adults
and young people alike.

In normal times our culture provides a more or less stable
pattern which helps the individual to organize and adjust
his daily living. At present, these stabilizing cultural guides
are in a state of flux. When any culture is thus disturbed, it
will inevitably result in frustration and conflict in the lives
of individuals. Those persons who are emotionally mature,
intelligent, and earnest are likely to succeed at any time,
whereas the weak, ineffectual person is even more likely to
fail when the stress and strain of everyday living becomes
too complex.

We have, then, a picture of uncertainty, lack of a clear
and fixed purpose, within which every individual must make,

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME 245

or fail to make, an adaptation. With this situation, it is
not at all astonishing that many are trying to find ways of
satisfying their basic needs that are not in accord with gen-
eral social approval. The increase in smoking, drinking, and
sex promiscuity among the younger high-school boys and
girls can be expected to continue until and unless those
responsible for national and local programs can provide for
them and their families a more stabilized plan of life. Today
the young person of sixteen or seventeen who is in school
has opportunities for employment from which his income,
in many cases, will be more per week than his parent in a
lifetime has ever earned for this same period. Facilities for
a normal and wholesome way of life are completely inade-
quate.

In normal times, we follow a rather constant and straight-
line pattern, going through high school and on into college
or into employment. Today, large numbers are looking
forward to the time of graduation or the arrival of the age
of eighteen with confusion and uncertainty, unable to foresee
their future course, except where, as far as men are con-
cerned, induction into some branch of the armed forces is
expected. It would seem only natural, then, that many
young people would want a last fling before the future,
which seems dismal and uncertain, is upon them.

We see, then, that even though marriage is affected in
normal times by many factors which increase the difficulties
of normal family living, war does bring added stresses and
strains to the young and old alike. It would be safe to say,
therefore, that it takes a better person to marry or stay
married in wartime than in peacetime. By better we mean
better as to physical and mental health, intelligence, sound
judgment, and stable ethical standards. But, to reiterate
what has been said previously, marriage in wartime, like
marriage at any time, depends upon the two people who
control the marriage, their emotional maturity, preparation
for the tasks ahead, and how important marriage is to them
as a way of life.

246 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Advantages and Disadvantages of Wartime Marriage

Marriages at present have all the advantages and disad-
vantages of marriage in wartime or at other times of national
stress. In addition, there are certain ones which seem im-
portant to emphasize as far as the question of whether to
many or not to marry is concerned.

ADVANTAGES OF MARRIAGE AT PRESENT:

1. It brings a sense of security to both man and woman.
Each has his mate, and that anxiety is over.

2. It gives each a sense of responsibility which stabilizes
the individual.

3. Women, even though a husband is called to service,
can work at a useful and important war industry.

4. It gives each person something to look forward to when
the war is over.

5. If the couple is well mated and plans to marry anyway,
there is usually no reason for postponement.

6. As one gets older, chances for marriage are less, and
childbearing is better if done at an earlier age.

DISADVANTAGES OF MARRIAGE AT PRESENT:

1 . To many men it brings a sense of insecurity and worry
about their wives back home.

2. Responsibility for a family makes a man worry more
and perhaps detracts from his value as a soldier.

3. People may change during long absences and under
war conditions.

4. Wives may become economically dependent on family
or in-laws.

5. Pregnancy may handicap wives' economic security.

6. The social and recreational life of each will be handi-
capped for the duration.

7. Many girls will be faced with widowhood at a very
early age. This and having children born of the union
will make another marriage less easily attainable.

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME 247

8. There is no possibility of establishing a real family life.

9. The process of adjustment will be to do without, rather
than to live with, the other person.

The Case for Optimism

Many people are pessimistic. It is possible, however, to
take an optimistic view of the future of marriage. Let us not
overlook the fact that the war babies of 1918 are the fine,
patriotic, high spirited, intelligent young men and women
who are fighting and winning the war of today. While every-
one recognizes the increasingly serious need for more ade-
quate planning to meet our social needs on the home front,
and the inevitable failures and heartaches which lie ahead
for those who have been unfortunate in the conduct of their
personal lives, we must also realize that the keenest insight,
soundest judgment, and most effective learning results when
experience is a part of the educative process.

We have never had, in the lifetime of most of us, a situa-
tion more completely filled with opportunity to participate in
experiences which are as socially useful as at the present time.

The problems of today can be helped, first, by seeing both
the effects of immediate crises upon the lives of individuals
and gaining a long term perspective with reference to the
basic and fundamental values in life.

Second, in order to attack the basic social needs which
underlie many present day difficulties, it is important that
both educational and social agencies cooperate in providing
the kind of social and recreational opportunities which meet
our needs for release. We can no longer assume that com-
mercial institutions will provide socially constructive means,
whereby we will be able, through the period of emergency,
to find proper ways of getting relief from frustration and
fatigue. We must not let the almighty dollar stand in the
way of providing, in every community, those facilities which
are needed.

It will have to be done at public expense. We can no longer
let scare words like "Communism 11 and "undermining our

248 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

capitalistic system" stand in the way of meeting funda-
mental problems in a fundamental way. One of the main
purposes of education is to reduce personal and social disor-
ganization to a minimum. Community programs, including
education, should be the means of reducing the need for
remedial agents and institutions.

The third means of meeting the present problem lies in
seeing that the democratic process is utilized and carried out
in all matters of social and educational planning. There may
be too much of someone in Washington saying what should
be done, which, in turn, is reinterpreted and passed on by
someone in the state, which, in turn, is reinterpreted and
passed on by a city official, a school principal, or someone else;
and, in too many cases, the teacher is told to eliminate this
subject, or add another, without having had any opportunity
to participate in planning with administrative officers.

Administrators and teachers must stabilize themselves
through the process of cooperative planning. They will
then be better able to guide students to think through their
problems and find means of meeting them. There are oppor-
tunities for this in every public school. Youth conferences,
involving all public high schools, should be a continuous
part of education during the next few years. So far as I
know there is no one in Washington, London, Moscow, or
Chungking, who has enough wisdom to make decisions for
the whole of organized society. This very process of demo-
cratic group thinking and planning will be one of the most
valuable stabilizing influences we can provide.

Fourth, war has been considered an inevitable concomitant
of modern civilization. At present our whole emphasis is
upon the idea that this war is different from other wars,
that it is a mechanized war. This is true as far as method of
fighting the fray is concerned, but basically it is human
warfare as warfare has always been a human affair and
has grown out of human greed, human suspicion, human
struggle for power, and humanly engendered racial, religious,
and nationalistic hatreds.

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME 249

The biggest problem confronting us today, therefore, as
it affects home and family life, is the recognition of this basic
underlying cause of human conflict and a recognition of the
fact that much of human conflict grows out of the kind of
family life in which we grow up, and the philosophy sur-
rounding business enterprise and politics to which we are
exposed.

The Study of Man

We need, therefore, to concentrate our attention on the
human being for a few centuries, even if it is necessary to
give technological development a short vacation. We need
better to understand the factors which motivate and enhance
the growth and development of man himself.

We need to be concerned in education, not so much with
courses which prepare for college and courses which prepare
for earning a living, as with education which equips people,
not only with the ability to earn their own livelihood, but
the ability to live with one another cooperatively, demo-
cratically, and happily. The school curriculum must increase
tenfold its emphasis on human values. Every young man
and woman who passes through our school system must,
in the future, be well educated in the field of human develop-
ment and human relationships. His education must include
experience which deals specifically with premarriage educa-
tion; he must be better equipped to play his role as benedict
and parent.

The school must move into the community and provide
educational opportunities for the newly married on problems
of adult relationships and the care and development of
children. This program must extend to, and in turn be ex-
tended by, churches, settlements houses, business firms,
and youth organizations of all kinds. (24)

Preparation for marriage begins in infancy and early
childhood. It continues until the knot is tied and thus on
throughout one's married life. Marriage is different today
only because certain problems make life harder for some

250 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

people to live than for others. The extra work of these times
adds to our problems of adjustment to others. We cannot
run away from responsibility, nor always be taking out our
frustrations, irritations, and disappointments on some other
person. The generals and the armies may win the war, but
they can never win the peace. A lasting peace will have to
be won on the home front by the kind of family and other
social relationships which emerge from the experiences of
the present crisis.

There is no perfect solution to these problems of marriage
today. If you would make a good mate at any time, and
if you think you can work out the financial, social, and
personal aspects of adjustments to marriage under present
conditions, get married. If you are not a good risk as a
prospective husband or wife and cannot work out the per-
sonal, social, and economic problems of the present day, do
not many. It is probably better to wait than to marry, if
you are not fit to marry.

Parents and Children in Wartime

The basic difference between the peacetime relationship of
parents to their children and their wartime relationship is
the increased need in the latter period for parents themselves
to be as stable and unemotional as possible. The child has
always reflected in his attitudes, emotions, and behavior the
atmosphere of the home and the kind of training he has re-
ceived. The job of parents today is that of trying all the
harder to do what good practice in child rearing has always
taught. Let us review some of these principles:

1. Parents need to be consistent in their management of
the children.

2. Parents determine the rhythm and quality of home sur-
roundings. It is important that the rhythm be calm
and the quality be wholesome.

3. Parents should decide what they wish their children to
be in terms of physical, mental, emotional, social, and
spiritual development, and the kind of attitude they

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME 251

want them to have toward race, politics, the rich, the
poor, and the many other questions which go to make
up the individual's philosophy of life.

4. Discipline should be consistently firm but not harsh
nor severe.

5. Children should be given a sense of affectional security
in the home relationships.

6. Parents need to study the individual child and plan
their relationships with him in terms of his capacity
and character, thus attempting to understand the
child's needs and characteristics at each period of his
development. We sometimes confuse love with under-
standing. They are different. One can love a child but
fail miserably in understanding him.

Pear, anxiety, hostility, love, conflict, overprotection,
dependence, immaturity, domination, and hate have always
been a part of family relationships. Today, more than ever,
it is important that the socially and personally destructive
elements in human associations together be minimized and
the solidifying and uplifting sentiments fostered. War tends,
for young children and adolescents alike, to create uncer-
tainty, frustration, fear and anxiety, ideas of hate, hostility,
and intolerance conditions and attitudes that for genera-
tions we have been trying to eliminate. This fact emphasizes
all the more the need for adults to stabilize themselves,
to provide a sense of perspective for themselves and their
children and to teach this love of right principles and of
tolerance. The degree of instability and the extent of ado-
lescent unhappiness can be affected by the kind of affection
and stability which homes provide.

Youth Faces a Changing World

The young person from twelve to eighteen years of age
normally lives a life full of physical, emotional, social, and
intellectual change and conflict. He is developing rapidly
from a boy or girl into an adult. These changes, associated
with the attainment of full biological maturity, in and of

252 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

themselves create many problems for him. Along with these
radical changes come attendant emotional feelings and the
need to acquire a set of social techniques useful in his hetero-
sexual associations. He is rapidly expanding intellectually,
beginning to emancipate himself from overly protective
family control, is developing some economic independence,
is expanding his leisure time and social and recreational in-
terests and, throughout it all, is mentally grappling with
many questions of life and achieving his first basic and con-
scious philosophy of life. All of these things happen in the
short span of six years. This goes on with young people,
boys and girls, rural and urban, Catholic or Protestant,
Negro, White, Chinese, or Hungarian, and rich or poor.

All of these growth changes require, for successful results,
that the individual have the kind of family and home rela-
tionships which will be sympathetic and understanding of
his needs and help give him a sense of security.

War brings to this already turbulent period added frustra-
tion, tension, excitement, fear, worry, and anxiety. The
bombardment of radio, press, etc. needs to be offset by living
in calm, reassuring surroundings.

Young people need parents, teachers, youth leaders, and
other adults as friends and examples adults who them-
selves are secure and stable. They need adults who can be
patient and who can help them achieve confidence in their
own growing ability. They need some emancipation from
the authority of their family, but they also need some new
authority which they find in out-family groups or in society
itself. They achieve a working relationship with authority
slowly and gradually with some resistance. At a time when
we are expecting young people to grow up in a hurry, we
must remember that for generations we have fostered de-
pendency and the lack of assumption of adult responsibility.
Growth can take place just so fast. When pushed too hard,
failure or other forms of personal maladjustment result.
Individual differences need to be recognized in the rate of
maturing and the degree of security of each person.

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME 253

Every young person needs to find ways of:

1. Becoming a part of adult life in so far as his time and
maturity will allow, at all times safeguarding his
physical health and normal social development.

2. Joining and becoming active in groups, clubs, or teams
of various kinds. This gives one a sense of solidarity,
security, and belonging in a world of confusion and
uncertainty.

3. Finding activities which allow us to express rather
than repress our thoughts and feelings. The demo-
cratic process is a stabilizing influence for the indi-
vidual as well as the group. All kinds of creative
activities, hobbies, etc. are more valuable than ever.

4. Getting a perspective on life as a seventy-five-year
project and not just a matter of immediate concern.

5. Maintaining high moral standards, and having faith
in the principles and practice of democracy.

6. Finding a religious faith which meets one's needs and
helps to give one a bolstering faith in himself and in
humanity.

War brings many disruptive influences to society as a
whole:

1. It tends, biologically, to prune off a disproportionately
large number of those whom the race can least afford
to lose.

2. It tends to speed up the courtship process, resulting in
great increases of hasty marriages.

3. It increases the amount of husband-wife and parent-
child separation, resulting in an increase in many
forms of personal and family demoralization.

4. It tends to reduce rational social controls, and the
mores become an individual rather than a social mat-
ter. This results in sex freedom and promiscuity,
heartache and disappointment, increased illegitimacy
and spread of venereal disease, to say nothing of the
more important generally lowered moral standard.

254 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

5. It creates unusual living conditions due to housing
shortages and twenty-four-hour and seven-day-week
work schedules.

6. It creates acute problem of social and recreational
outlets for the population.

7. It creates large scale problems of desertion, orphan-
hood, widowhood, mental disease, handicaps, and
other forms of demoralization due to shock.

8. It leads to inflationary tendencies and poverty for the
masses.

9. It sows the seed for future wars, thus usually achiev-
ing few, if any, positive results in terms of lasting
peace.

10. It may, because of its catastrophic nature:

a. Result in improved education.

b. Emphasize the importance of human and spiritual
values as against material things.

c. Lead to the discovery of new leaders who will be
an asset to the country after the war.

d. Lead to fundamental changes in governmental
policy and working relationships between capital
and labor and urban and farm interests.

CHAPTER XIX

WHAT LIES AHEAD

Your babies, the babies who are born this year and next
and following the war, will run the new world. Now is the
time to plan how you are going to live the next fifty-seven
years, for personal happiness and in order to rear, train, and
educate your children for the future, for Today is the Future.

In one way marriage is like a trip. If one is enthusiastic
about traveling, goes to the first station or dock at hand and
sets out for no particular destination, he is likely to arrive
at no place in particular. Likewise, if, when a couple marry,
they are not looking and planning far ahead, they are likely
to live aimlessly and ineffectually. Love alone is not enough.
Of course, on your wedding day you hope and almost know
for certain that you will be happy. But for how long? Have
you taken full measure of what a happy life or a happy mar-
riage means? It means good health, economic self-sufficiency,
good home management, satisfactory relationship with one's
husband, relatives, in-laws, friends, and the institutions of
one's community. It means living each day fully, while at
the same time planning for the future, for children, a home
owned, economic security in later years, participation in the
cultural and civic enterprises of one's home town, and con-
stant education and improvement of one's self in order both
to enjoy life and to advance in one's vocation.

One couple, at the time of marriage, made a simple, long
time plan; after twenty-five years of married life, though
they had not attained all the goals set for themselves, they
felt it had given a long look ahead to their marriage. To

255

256 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

them it was a permanent venture with goals to be worked
and strived for. It is included here so that you may share
in it.

"TWENTY-FIVE-YEAR PLAN FOR OUR MARRIAGE 1 '

"It is hoped that we will be able to achieve the following goals
by 1940:

11 1. To own our own home.

"2. To have four children.

"3. To be successfully established in a profession.

"4. To be a regular and active member of a church and to try
to live what Christian teaching means to us.

"5. To take an active part throughout the years in educa-
tional, religious, and civic affairs of our community.

"6. To have acquired a sufficient amount of life insurance
adequately to provide protection for the family and assure
us a retirement income for our old age.

"7. To celebrate our Golden Wedding together."

These seven items made up the entire document, but it
helped, without any doubt, to give a sense of stability to this
marriage.

Now let us look at what happened to this long time plan
after twenty-five years :

1. They have owned and sold their houses in different
places where they have lived and own their present
residence.

2. They have two, instead of four, children.

3. They are successfully established in a vocation.

4. They have been intermittently active in the church.

5. They have usually been active in some community
enterprise.

6. They have acquired an unusual insurance program
which, to date, has served their purpose. If they can
hold on to most of it, their goal on this point will have
been attained.

7. It is, of course, too early to know whether they will live
to celebrate their Golden Wedding Anniversary.

WHAT LIES AHEAD 257

Sometimes we get discouraged if our relationships are not
100 per cent perfect. That is foolish. Nothing in life is as
efficient as that.

It is our job to find out what our capacity is and to try to
manage our lives so as to live up to our maximum efficiency.
It may be 80 per cent or it may be 90 per cent, but never will
it be 100 per cent.

What is happening to family life today makes living as a
husband, wife, or parent none too easy. But people are
meeting unheard of crises with fortitude and success. The
excerpts from the story of Mary F. which follow should be
an inspiration to any couple who reads them. It is a marriage
that has endured, two personalities, different, but made
of the stuff of which successful marriages are made toler-
ance, understanding, intelligence, industry, and adaptability.

" I wanted to have a part in this war. In World War I, I was the
mother of a vigorous five-year-old boy paying half of my hus-
band's salary for rent alone and practicing all the economies, now
new discoveries, that help to make ends meet. I wanted to get
into this war. My older son is now a captain in the medical corps
of the army and the younger boy left in May for year-round work
in a midwest university. For the first time in my married life, I
could go through a whole week without hearing: ' Mother, where is
. . . ? ' No, this idea didn't sprout and burst into full bloom in a
day or a week. At first it was a sickly and puny plant ; at times the
lower leaves would turn yellow and then it would wilt like an
unwatered geranium in a summer sun. At first I played around
with the idea. I casually mentioned it to my husband as though
it were just a product of the moment. He looked up from his read-
ing to remark, 'It might work.' He thought it was one of these
brain storms that men are always expecting from our sex. I went
shopping and studied the clerks, looked over their shoulder while
they filled out the sales slip. I barged into the doctor's office to see
what the ' white starched girls ' were doing. Stenographic work was
out. While I could knock off a creditable letter on a typewriter
with the 'hunt and peck* system, the 'pot-hooks' vocabulary was
entirely beyond me. My courage was rising. One day I walked
right into the employment office of a big department store and
asked for an employment blank, tucked it into my handbag and
walked out. That was a personal triumph !

258 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

"A friend casually mentioned that her daughter was returning
to college and that they were planning to employ more statistical
workers in the defense office she was leaving. Here was a hot trail.
What was statistical work? Would my old 'math* training come
back? I recalled that I had coached two adolescent sons through
high-school mathematics. Maybe I could bluff along until I could
learn. The personnel supervisor had a kindly face and that helped.
When he produced the * blank 1 my courage deserted me. Cold
beads of sweat stood out on my temple. My response was quick
and high pitched. My writing was well, say jerky at least.
There was no use trying to hide it. I was upset and the personnel
director knew it. He pushed the papers aside and began to inquire
about my boys. Who wouldn't come back with a bang ? A doctor
son, a captain in the army, and a younger son in college, knocking
off four A's and three B's this year? When I had got the tongue of
this proud mother under control, I was ready for the toughest
blank. In fact, I was ready for three or four of them. My writing
was normal, and if I do say it myself legible. The few simple
test problems were quickly and correctly done. Oh, yes, my di-
plomas. Did I have them? Only then I remembered that they
had disappeared with a box of household junk in one of the movings
twenty years ago. My statement was accepted as fact and in a
kindly voice that fine personnel director said, 'We believe you will
be able to do the work. You can start to work tomorrow. ' I moved
out of the office 'floated ' I believe is the word. I hadn't worked
in thirty years and I was starting in tomorrow. I was in the seventh
heaven in the frpnt row. I was ready to say goodbye to bridge
luncheons, war rallies, lectures, matinees. I was a war worker.
I got the car under control as I approached home and letdown
set in. What would friend husband say? Could I do the work?
How could I manage the house without a maid? Would I be for-
gotten by all my friends ? Eight forty-five every morning was the
dead line and I intended to be at work on time.

"At dinner that evening we talked about the war and the need
for men and women in the new war industry and in a most casual
way, I mentioned that I had a job. It didn't happen at all as the
story books tell. Husband missed one puff on his pipe and said,
'That's fine. When do you start?' I was over the worst hurdle,
but Old Man Worry pursued me to bed and long into the night I
was planning meals and dusting and searching for a maid. The
first day was a triumphal march. I knew what I was doing. My
mathematics were accurate and I left in the evening feeling
that my output would be equal to the average in three or four
days.

WHAT LIES AHEAD 259

" My husband was one of those big helpless men who wanted to
be waited upon and I enjoyed doing it. I was not sure that I could
carry the work in the office and operate the house. Maids were
impossible to hire but I intended to push myself to the limit to
keep both shops working. Marketing and laundry were something
that would have to be worked out. I thought I knew 'friend hus-
band/ having lived with him for thirty-three years except for the
trips that he took on business that accounted for almost fifteen
years. He could distribute more clothes about the house between
bedtime and leaving for the office than a good husband should.
He would live on his hump rather than get a meal and dust about
the house never entered his consciousness. He could repair an
electric fixture cord and leave more tools around him than a woman
would use in house cleaning. He could get himself an evening
snack and leave the icebox door open. In filling his pipe he would
spread tobacco and ashes with a wide and lavish gesture. But he
had a good time at home and it didn't bother me. What would you
do with a husband like that if you got a job after thirty years as a
homemaker? I didn't have to solve it. My first day at the office,
he was up at 6 :oo A.M. and before I could drag myself out he had
the breakfast ready. Yes, and we did the dishes before we left.
He makes his own bed. And once a week he gets home from the
office and, clad in tennis shoes and track pants, he vacuums, cleans
every rug in the house while I get dinrfer. How I envy muscles
that can drive a Hoover with the energy that he puts into it!
He never knew we owned a dust mop before I went to work, but
he now manipulates it with a fine art. He seems to get a lot of fun
out of these jobs he has taken over and in fact we are both getting
a little more out of life.

" No, I haven't worked in thirty years. Last week I came home
with my second pay envelope filled with cash and a compli-
mentary comment from my supervisor. More, all act as if they
were proud of me. I've learned that you can never tell what a
family will do. I'm going to work until this mess is over and then
I hope that I can settle down to the job of enjoying a few grand-
children." (25)

In the light of this story it should be clear to those many
young people who think there is no fun in marriage that they
are mistaken. Their delusion is born of inexperience and
observation of their own or other families where conflict has
predominated, and perhaps they have studied too many
courses in abnormal psychology and social pathology.

260

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

The Future Is Now

Tomorrow is the day after today for most of us. Planning
for after the war and postwar readjustments is a good and
profitable pastime for the "oldster," but young people are
concerned with life right now. Today many of you are in

school, concerned largely with yourselves, your acceptance
by other young people, your popularity, your looks, your
relationships with other boys and girls, how to get through
much of the uninteresting, unrealistic material of the school
curriculum, how to get a job so you can get married and begin
living life on your own. Today is the future! That should
be the motto for everyone. The best preparation for the
future is to be sure we are enlightened on things which

WHAT LIES AHEAD 261

concern us now, to see to it that we actually know what is
going on in the world of the present.

There are two problems which confront us; one is that of
understanding the world today and being able to interpret
it, the other is to work out for ourselves a program based
on sound mental hygiene and an adequate social philosophy.

We should understand that the world today is, in most
essentials, no different from the world of yesterday or the
world of tomorrow. It is still a world in which the major
responsibility and decisions of life, be they economic, politi-
cal, social, or personal, revolve ultimately upon human
beings with intelligence, insight, judgment, and vision.
Since you are concerned with yourself, the best preparation
which you can make for meeting the world of today and
the world of tomorrow is by having an opportunity thor-
oughly to investigate all the ramifications qf your own selves,
biologically, psychologically, and culturally; how you came
to be, what you are, the factors which have entered into your
conditioning, your growth, your attitudes, your emotions,
your feelings, your prejudices, etc. When you leave the
portals of high school or college you should understand
yourself and be able to say, "I know my potentialities, I
know something of my strengths and weaknesses as a
person. I know what I can do without help or assistance."

You need to understand the economics of everyday life.
This knowledge begins with an understanding of how to get
spending money and how to earn and supplement what we
may inveigle out of our parents. We sometimes fail to
realize that economics is a subject which confronts us from
our earliest years throughout our entire lives. We assume
very often that a three-point course on economic theory as
a sophomore in college does the job of economic education.
We sometimes assume that we can understand the problems
of the world of today, even though we do little else to supple-
ment that college training, which is available only to the
few, either prior to their sophomore college year or subse-
quent thereto. Our exposure to money early in life, our

262 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

assumption of responsibility for it in relation to purchasing
our own things is the beginning of our understanding of our
economic system.

There is need for an ever widening introduction into the
mechanics and devices which our society has set up for
handling the problems of production and distribution. This
is one of our chief concerns and forms an interest around
which motivation and desire for learning is ripe. How can
we become interested in the major problems of international
life which center around the distribution of the goods of the
world among the people of the world; how can we under-
stand that this is all tied up with international trade, inter-
national finance, and with the banking policies which lead
to war or peace, unless, throughout our whole course of
development, we have been helped to have a realistic touch
with the economics of everyday life?

We need to understand that government is not a myth nor
a mysterious mechanism by which somebody, quite apart
from ourselves, runs the society of which we are a part. Yet
when, as is so often the case, we grow up in a family in
which there is no democracy, in which there is absolute
dominance and authoritative control throughout our early
years, and when we attend a school in which there is a con-
tinuation of this same autocratic procedure, and, finally,
when we get into a business or profession and find the same
kind of relationship with our superiors, how can we conceive
of a practical, working democracy from a political point of
view? Democracy begins at home political democracy,
if you please.

We need to understand that, quite regardless of the com-
plicated problems of the economic organization of life, the
kind of economics we have ultimately depends upon the
social viewpoint and social philosophy of the individuals who
make up that society. Our first questions in high-school life
have to do with social etiquette and social ethics, with our
relationships with other boys and other girls. We must find
the way to carry out a social life that is related to achieve-

WHAT LIES AHEAD 263

ment of personal satisfaction and the social welfare of the
group of which we are a part.

We need to understand that wherever we live there are
certain sanctions and restrictions within which every indi-
vidual must live his life. Some of these we may not like, and
our choice may be to break them and accept the conse-
quences of social disapproval or to move to some other
society. If we choose the latter, no matter where we go we
will find different sanctions or restrictions, but we will
always have to face the problem of conforming to certain
group regulations. All through life we often rebel against
restrictions because they are imposed upon us by a parent
or teacher and are not tied up with our own experience or
with any insight we may have as to the reasons for such
restrictions.

We must understand that there is a moral basis for
personal and social living; that there is an almost organic
relatedness to all of life which works out ultimately within
the individual's own conceptions of himself, his relation-
ships to other people, and his philosophy and goal in life;
that we live in an economic system which we call capitalistic,
which is competitive and allows for a maximum of individual
effort, except in so far as that is restricted by monopoly or
governmental regulations; that there are conflicting points of
view with reference to the organization of our economic life,
each of which, theoretically at least, is concerned with the
welfare of the whole of society; that we have conflicting
political philosophies which are tenable within the frame-
work of our constitution, and that an understanding of these
and their implications as they affect individual and social
welfare is important for an intelligent citizen; that we have
conflicting religious philosophies, since we are a nation in
which the freedom of individual worship is allowed; that
there are points of conflict between our political theory, our
economic philosophy, and, many times, our social and
religious philosophies. All of these things we can understand
in terms of our own immediate interests in the world of

264 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

today. We can understand them in such a way that they
present for us a challenge rather than a stone wall that blocks
progress or leads to an attitude of defeatism.

We all need to understand that the individual is a product
of group experience and that his own family and the family
he will establish are the two most important influences in
determining the ultimate outcome of civilization. We need
further to realize and understand that family life is a univer-
sal human experience; that it is the most potent factor in
the development of personality; that home is the place
where most of us acquire our basic behavior patterns, our
religious sentiments, our moral and ethical precepts, our
political and economic philosophy, our attitude toward
people, and our unique personality; that the family does
interpret and transmit to us the basic and ultimate attitudes
which we have and which we, in turn, will no doubt be
instrumental in transmitting to our own family; and that
life is a continuation of intermittent crises, none of which
to date have wiped out civilization. We only need to go
back 100 years and compare the change from 1842 to 1942
and look at the catastrophies, so to speak, which have
threatened our American way of life; we need to become
acquainted with those individuals who have assumed leader-
ship and who have directed the forces of our common life
toward new and better achievements; we need to recognize,
even more than we do, the importance of an education which
is closely tied in with our life experiences and which helps us
to live that life more successfully and more adequately.

Finally, we need to understand that today nations are
fighting, not primarily to obliterate Hitler and his type of
leadership from the face of the globe, but because there are
many social and economic inequities within nations and be-
tween nations; and that the world is in a state of social
upheaval because these many conflicting philosophies are
coming into impact with each other, each striving to domi-
nate and organize a world for better living according to its
own particular philosophy. We need to know and under-

WHAT LIES AHEAD 265

stand the truth about history and government and politics
and nations, as well as the truth about science and our
personal way of life. We need to be helped to think through
much more objectively the issues of industry, of labor, of
agriculture, of social affairs, and of religion. We need to
recognize that, in the immediate future, our families are
likely to be faced with greatly reduced income due to rising
cost of living and increase in taxes; that many of the privi-
leges which we have enjoyed heretofore may not, in the
future, be forthcoming, but the satisfactions of life will be
those which we are able to derive as a result of our own
effort; and, finally, that out of this present turmoil we will
not arrive at any static condition because life itself is in the
process of constant change, and everyone needs to acquire
for himself a pattern of adaptability to new experiences and
changed conditions. This is the essence of keeping up with
progress, in science and in other fields.

There are six things about which a young person graduat-
ing from high school, entering college, or going to work for
the first time should want as complete an understanding
as possible in order to meet life as it has to be met. He
should want, in so far as possible, to understand himself
and the factors related to his success in working with and
getting along with other people. He should want some
knowledge of practical economic affairs as they involve
earning a living and spending an income intelligently; he
should want to understand the relationship of his economic
function in life to the total economic problems on a large
scale. He should want a socially tolerant and understanding
attitude about society. He should want a conviction that
all civilization is based upon the strength of the moral
stamina of its citizenry. He should want to have arrived
at a belief in political democracy and a zeal to make it work
at home, at school, and in all other phases of public life.
And, finally, he should want some knowledge of, and some
passion for, the task which lies ahead that of working out
all of the interrelated and seemingly conflicting viewpoints

266 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

about individual, social, economic, and political life. The
future is now. We who live in 1944, especially those of
college age, will be responsible for what little progress civil-
ization makes between now and the year 2000. Today is the
future! (26)

Appendix

APPENDIX A

REFERENCES FOR SUPPLEMENTARY READING

PART I. PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT IN RELATION TO
MARRIAGE

LIST I. TO BE READ IN CONNECTION WITH TEXT

Bennett, M. E., College and Life. McGraw-Hill Book Com-
pany, Inc., New York, 1933. Chaps. XVIII-XXIII.

Bios, Peter, The Adolescent Personality. D. Appleton-Century
Company, Inc., New York, 1941.

1. Looking at Personality, pp. 3-19 ,

2. The Case of Betty, pp. 29-85

Cole, Luella, Psychology of Adolescence. Farrar & Rinehart,
Inc., New York, 1942. Chaps. I, IV, VII, IX.

Coon, Beulah, and Goodykoontz, Bess, Family Living and Our
Schools. D. Appleton-Century Company, Inc., New York,
1941. Chap. III.

Elliott, Grace Loucks, and Harrison, Solving Personal
Problems. Henry Holt and Company, Inc., New York,
1936. Chaps. II-VIII.

Hogue, Helen G., Bringing Up Ourselves. Charles Scribner's
Sons, New York, 1943.

Jones, Esther Lloyd, and Fedder, Ruth, Coming of Age.
McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc., New York, 1941.
Chaps. I-II.

Langer, Walter C., Psychology and Human Living. D. Apple-
ton-Century Company, Inc., New York, 1943.
Chap. I. Cultural Patterning of Beliefs

III. Physical Needs

IV. Social Needs
V. Egoistic Needs

VI. The Expression of Needs
IX. The Integration of Personality
X. Anxiety, Insecurity, Inferiority, Guilt
XI. Escapes

269

270 APPENDIX A

Morgan, J. J. B., Keeping a Sound Mind. The Macmillan
Company, New York, 1935. Chaps. I-IX, XIII-XIV.

Overstreet, Bonaro W., A Search for a Self. Harper & Broth-
ers, New York, 1938. Chaps. I-V.

Stecker, E. A., and Appel, Kenneth E., Discovering Our selves.
The Macmillan Company, New York, 2nd ed., Chaps. IX-
XI.

Travis, Lee E., and Baruch, Dorothy W., Personal Problems of
Everyday Life. D. Appleton-Century Company, Inc., New
York, 1941. Chaps. I-VL

LIST 2. FOR MORE EXTENDED READING

Bernard, Jessie, American Family Behavior. Harper &
Brothers, New York, 1942. Chaps. XV-XVI.

Breckenridge, Marian, and Vincent, E. Lee, Child Development.
W. B. Saunders Company, Philadelphia, 1943. Chaps. XII-
XIV.

Fosdick, Harry Emerson, On Being a Real Person. Harper &
Brothers, New York, 1943.

Mead, Margaret, And Keep Your Powder Dry. William Mor-
row and Company, Inc., New York, 1942.

Plant, James S., Personality and the Cultural Pattern. Com-
monwealth Fund, Division of Publications, New York, 1937.
Chaps. I-IV, VI-VII.

Scheinfeld, Amram, You and Heredity. Frederick A. Stokes
Company, Inc., New York, 1939. Chaps. I-X, XLI-XLIII.

Shaffer, L. F., The Psychology of Adjustment. Houghton
Mifflin Company, Boston, 1936. Chaps. VI-VIII.

PART II. THE IMMEDIATE PRELUDE TO MARRIAGE

LIST I. TO BE READ IN CONNECTION WITH TEXT

Bennett, M. E., College and Life. McGraw-Hill Book Com-
pany, Inc., New York, 1933. Chap. XXIV.

Bigelow, Wm. F., "Twelve Ways to a Happy Marriage." The
Good Housekeeping Book, Good Housekeeping, New York,
1938.

Bowman, Henry A., Marriage for Moderns. McGraw-Hill
Book Company, Inc., New York, 1942. Chaps. I, V-X.

Fisher, Frederick, How to Get Married and Stay That Way.
Rayart Publishing Company, Detroit, 1938.

Folsom, Joseph K., Plan for Marriage. Harper & Brothers,
New York, 1938. Chaps. I-IV.

REFERENCES FOR SUPPLEMENTARY READING 271

Polsom, Joseph K., The Family and Democratic Society. John
Wiley and Sons, Inc., New York, 1943. Chap. XI.

Goldstein, Sidney, Meaning of Marriage A Jewish Inter-
pretation. The Bloch Publishing Company, New York, 1940.

Groves, Gladys H., Marriage and Family Life. Reynal &
Hitchcock, Inc., New York, 1942. Chaps. IX-X, XII-XIII.

Himes, Norman, Your Marriage. Farrar & Rinehart, Inc.,
New York, 1940. Chaps. I-X.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J., Questions Pm Asked About Marriage
A Catholic Presentation. The Queen's Work, 3742 West
Pine Blvd., St. Louis, Mo., 1938.

Popenoe, Paul, Modern Marriage. The Macmillan Company,
New York, 1940.

Travis, Lee E., and Baruch, Dorothy W., Personal Problems of
Everyday Life. D. Appleton-Century Company, Inc., New
York, 1941. Chap. IX.

LIST 2. FOR MORE EXTENDED READING

Baber, Ray, Marriage and the Family. McGraw-Hill Book

Company, Inc., New York, 1939. Cha^s. VIII-XI.
Becker, Howard, and Hill, Reuben, Marriage and Family Life.

D. C. Heath & Company, Boston, 1943. Chaps. IX-X.
Binkley, R. C. and F. W., What Is Right with Marriage?

D. Appleton-Century Company, New York, 1929.

Chaps. II, IV, V.
Buck, Pearl, Of Men and Women. The John Day Company,

New York, 1941. Chaps. I-IX.
Cavan, Ruth, The Family. Thomas Y. Crowell Company,

New York, 1942. Chap. IV. Courtship.
Jordan, Helen, You and Marriage. John Wiley & Sons, Inc.,

New York, 1942. Chaps. II-III.
Waller, Willard, The Family. The Dryden Press, New York,

1938. Part II. Courtship Interaction.

ARTICLES

Popenoe, P., "Acquaintance and Betrothal." Social Forces,

PP. 552-555, May, 1938.
Martini, N., "I Want to Fall in Love." Good Housekeeping,

p. 62, Oct., 1935.
Murrin, R., "Men Women Prefer." Good Housekeeping,

p. 104, Aug., 1937.
Popenoe, P., "How Can Young People Get Acquainted?"

Journal of Social Hygiene, p. 218, Apr., 1932.

272 APPENDIX A

Waller, Willard, "The Rating and Dating Complex." Ameri-
can Sociological Review, pp. 727-734, Oct., 1937.

Banning, Margaret, "Case For Chastity." The Reader's
Digest, Aug. 1937.

Halle, R. S., "Marriages Made in College." Good Housekeep-
ing, vol. 92, pp. 26-27, Apr., 1931.

Groves, E. R. , " So You Want to Get Married. ' ' The American
Magazine, pp. 14-15* Apr., 1938.

Davis, Katherine B., "Why They Failed to Marry." Harper's
Magazine, p. 460, Mar., 1928.

Boardman, R., "Marriage A Selective Process." The
Atlantic Monthly, p. 623, Nov., 1923.

Popenoe, Paul, "Should College Students Marry?" Parents'
Magazine, pp. 18-19, July, 1938.

Huxley, J., "The Vital Importance of Eugenics." Harper's
Magazine, pp. 324-33 * Au S- I 93 I -

Binkley, R., "Should We Leave Romance Out of Marriage?"
Forum, pp. 72-79, Feb. 1930.

PART III. EVOLVING A SATISFACTORY FAMILY LIFE

LIST I. TO BE READ IN CONNECTION WITH TEXT

Aldrich, C. A. and Mary, Babies Are Human Beings. The

Macmillan Company, New York, 1938.

Bennett, M. E., College and Life. McGraw-Hill Book Com-
pany, Inc., New York, 1933. Chap. XXIV. The Place of
Marriage and Home in a Life Plan.

Bigelow, Howard F., Family Finance. The Macmillan Com-
pany, New York, 1935.

Chap. II. The Family's Wants
III. The Family's Income
XIV. Providing for the Future
Bigelow, Howard F., "Money and Marriage." The American

Family. February, 1943.

Bowman, Henry A., Marriage for Moderns. McGraw-Hill
Book Company, Inc., New York, 1942.

Chap. X-XI. Personality Adjustment in Marriage
XII-XIV. Sex and Reproduction

XIII. The Use of Money and Leisure Time
Broadhead, G. L., Approaching Motherhood. Paul B. Hoeber,
Inc., Medical Book Department of Harper & Brothers, New
York, 1925.

Burgess, E. W., and Cottrell, Leonard, Predicting Success or
Failure in Marriage. Prentice-Hall, Inc., New York, 1939.

REFERENCES FOR SUPPLEMENTARY READING 273

Chap. III. Happiness as a Criterion of Successful Mar-
riage

X. Response Patterns: Romance and Compan-
ionship
Corbin, Hazel, Getting Ready to Be a Father. The Macmillan

Company, New York, 1939.
Ellenwood, James Lee, There's No Place Like Home. Charles

Scribner's Sons, New York, 1938.

Groves, Gladys H., Marriage and Family Life. Reynal &
Hitchcock, Inc., New York, 1942.
Chap. XIV. Personality Adjustment

XV. Family Finances
XVI. Roles of Husband and Wife
XIX. Becoming Parents

Note: The summary case examples, pp. 425503, may be use-
ful for group discussion of family relationship situations.
Hart, Hornell and Ella, Personality and the Family.
D. C. Heath and Company, New York. Chap. VI. Match-
ing for Successful Marriage.

Himes, Norman, Your Marriage. Farraj & Rinehart, Inc.,
New York, 1940.

Chap. VI. How to Predict Your Chances of Happiness

in Marriage

XIX. Your Happiness Score
XX. Happiness in Marriage
XXI. The Art of Getting Along Together
Jung, Moses, Modern Marriage. F. S. Crofts & Co., New York,
1940.
Chap. VI. Legal Aspects of Marriage

VIII. Factors in Family Friendship

Keliher, Alice, Life and Growth. D. Appleton-Century Com-
pany, Inc., New York, 1938.
Kenyon, Josephine, Healthy Babies Are Happy Babies. Little,

Brown & Company, Boston, 1934.

Levy, John, and Munroe, Ruth, The Happy Family. Alfred A.
Knopf, New York, 1938.

Chap. I. How Families Begin

II. Settling Down to Marriage
III. Living Together
VII. Children

Morgan, Winona L., The Family Meets the Depression. Uni-
versity of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis, 1939-
Novak, Emil, The Woman Asks the Doctor. The Williams &
Wilkins Company, Baltimore, 1935.

274 APPENDIX A

Overstreet, Bonaro W., A Search for a Self. Harper & Broth-
ers, New York, 1938. Chap. VI. Two's Company.
Public Affairs Pamphlets Public Affairs Committee, Inc.,
30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York.
No. 1 8. How We Spend Our Money
No. 63. More for Your Money
No. 62. How to Buy Insurance
No. 61. Installment Selling
No. 17. Why Women Work
No. 49. Should Married Women Work
No. 5. Credit for Consumers
No. 77. Women at Work in Wartime
No. 83. War Babies and the Future
Reynolds, Martha Mae, Children From Seed to Saplings.

McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc., New York, 1939.
Schultz, Lois R., and Smart, Mollie S., Understanding Your

Baby. The Sun Dial Press, New York, 1942.
Sherman, H. C., and Lanford, C. S., An Introduction to Foods
and Nutrition. The Macmillan Company, New York, 1940.
Smart, R. C. and Mollie S., It's a Wise Parent. Charles Scrib-

ner's Sons, New York, 1944.
Strain, Frances Bruce, New Patterns in Sex Teaching.

D. Appleton-Century Company, Inc., New York, 1934.
Strain, Frances Bruce, Your Child His Family and Friends.

D. Appleton-Century Company, Inc., New York, 1943.
Taylor, K. W., Do Adolescents Need Parents? D. Appleton-
Century Company, Inc., New York, 1938.
Terman, Lewis, Psychological Factors in Marital Adjustment.
McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc., New York, 1938.
Chap. VII. The Personality of Happily Married and Un-
happily Married Persons.

Travis, Lee E., and Baruch, Dorothy W., Personal Problems of
Everyday Life. D. Appleton-Century Company, Inc., New
York, 1941. Chap. IX. Man and Woman in Marriage.
Washburn, Ruth, Children Have Their Reasons. D. Appleton-
Century Company, Inc., New York, 1942.
Wunsch, W. Robert, and Albers, Edna, Thicker Than Water
(Stories of Family Life). D. Appleton-Century Company,
Inc., New York, 1939.

LIST 2. FOR MORE EXTENDED READING

Becker, Carl, and Hill, Reuben, Marriage and the Family.
D. C. Heath and Company, Boston, 1942.
Chap. XIII. Prenatal Care and Childbirth

REFERENCES FOR SUPPLEMENTARY READING 275

XX. Parent-Child Interaction
XXI. Family Life and Religion
XXII. Family Crises and Ways of Meeting Them
Bernard, Jessie, American Family Behavior. Harper and
Brothers, New York, 1942. Chaps. XX-XXI. Personal
and Social Factors in Marital Adjustment.
Binkley, R. C. and F. W., What Is Right with Marriage?
D. Appleton-Century Company, Inc., New York, 1929.
Chaps. X-XIII, XV, XVII.

Burgess, E. W., and Cottrell, Leonard, Predicting Success
and Failure in Marriage, Prentice-Hall, Inc., New York,

1939.

Chap. I. Adjustment in Marriage

IX. Personality Factors in Marriage Adjustment
XV. Five Case Studies of Marriage Adjustment
XVII. Major Findings and the Interpretation
Cavan, Ruth, The Family. Thomas G. Crowell Company,

New York, 1942. Part III. Crises in Family Life.
Christian Marriage. Federal Council of Churches, New York,

1940.

Folsom, Joseph K., Plan for Marriage. Harper & Brothers,
New York, 1938.

Chap. I. Romance and Realism in Marriage

IV. Emotional Maturity and the Approach to Mar-
riage

XI. Family Life and Religion

Folsom, Joseph K., The Family and Democratic Society.
John Wiley and Sons, Inc., New York, 1943.
Chap. XII. Personality and Marital Happiness
XIII. Marriage Interaction
XVII. The Problem of the Home
XVIII. Men and Women in a Democracy

XX. Unsolved Problems

Foster, R. G., and Wilson, Pauline P., Women After College.
Columbia University Press, New York, 1942. Chap. II.
Everyday Problems of Women.

Hart, Hornell, Personality and the Family. D. C. Heath and
Company, Boston, 1941.

Chap. XII. Parents and Babies

XIII. Understanding Parenthood

XIV. Creative Interaction with Parents
XV. Problems of Parenthood

Jordan, David F., Managing Personal Finances. Prentice-
Hall, Inc., New York, 1936.

276 APPENDIX A

Jung, Moses, Modern Marriage. F. S. Crofts & Co., New York,
1940. Chap. IV. The Background of Conflict in Marriage.

Nickell, Paulena, and Dorsey, Jean M., Management in
Family Living. John Wiley & Sons, Inc., New York, 1942.
Chaps. I-IV.

Sait, Una Bernard, New Horizons for the Family. The Mac-
millan Company, New York, 1938.

Chap. XXI. Housekeeping and Homemaking

XXII. Housekeeping and Homemaking, continued

Schmiedler, Edgar, Christian Marriage. The Catholic Con-
ference on Family Life, Washington, D.C., 1938.

Shrodes, Caroline, Van Gundy, Justine, and Husband, R. W.,
Psychology through Literature. Oxford University Press,
New York, 1943, pp. 35-79. The Influence of the Family.

Terman, Lewis, et al., Psychological Factors in Marital Hap-
piness. McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc., New York,

1938-
Chap. I. Problems and Approach

XIV. Summary and Conclusion

Waller, Willard, The Family. The Dryden Press, New York,
1938.

Chap. XIV. Processes of Conflict
XV. Marriage Solidarity
XVII. Marriage Adjustments

Waller, Willard, The Family. The Dryden Press, New York,
1938. Part V. Family Disorganization.

ARTICLES

Frank, Lawrence K., " The Need for Objective Criteria of Suc-
cessful Family Life." Social Forces, pp. 537-539, June, 1930.

Elliot, Grace, "Sex as a Constructive Social Force." Mental
Hygiene, pp. 335-34, Apr., 1930.

Richardson, Anna E., "The Art of Family Life." Journal of
Social Hygiene, pp. 81-90, Jan., 1928.

Woodhouse, Chase G., "A Study of 250 Successful Families."
Social Forces, pp. 511-532, June, 1930.

"Partnership or Debating Society." The Reader's Digest,
pp. 11-12, Mar., 1935.

Link, H. C., "Workable Cue to Happiness and Personality."
The Reader's Digest, pp. 1-5, June, 1937.

Popenoe, P., "Marriage Is for Adults Only." Ladies 1 Home
Journal, p. 22, Feb., 1942.

Burgess, E. W., "Human Relations Begin in the Home."
Journal of Home Economics, pp. 8-13, Jan., 1941.

REFERENCES FOR SUPPLEMENTARY READING 277

Chase, J., "How Good a Wife Are You?" Delineator, pp. 12-

13, May, 1936.
Chase, J., "How Good a Husband Are You?" Delineator,

pp. 18-19, June, 1936.
Dodd, A. R., "The Ups and Downs of Family Finances."

Good Housekeeping, p. 84, Jan., 1936.
Woodhouse, C. G., "Does Money Make the Marriage Go?"

Survey, pp. 3SS-35 8 , Jan. i, 1932.

Bromley, Dorothy, "Why Risk Motherhood." Harper's Mag-
azine, pp. 11-22, June, 1929.
Marshall, J., "Children? Of Course." Good Housekeeping,

pp. 82-83, Mar., 1938.
Popenoe, P., "Can We Afford Children?" Forum, p. 315,

Dec., 1937.
Ward, Jane, " Don't Have an Abortion." The Reader's Digest,

pp. 17-21, Aug., 1941.
Fries, M., " Mental Hygiene in Pregnancy." Mental Hygiene,

pp. 221-236, Apr., 1941.
Connell, Francis J., S.T.D., "Birth Control: The Case for the

Catholic." The Reader's Digest, pp. 98-101, Dec., 1939.

(See reference which follows.)
Wharton, Don, " Birth Control : The Case for the State." The

Reader's Digest, pp. 26-29, Nov., 1939.
"Can Divorce Be Successful?" Harper's Magazine, pp. 255-

262, Feb., 1938.

Comstock, Sarah, " Can't I Save My Marriage ? " Good House-
keeping, pp. 26-27, Jan., 1935.
Mead, Margaret, " Broken Homes." The Nation, pp. 253-255,

Feb. 27, 1929.
Pringle, H. F., "What Do American Women Think About

Marriage and Divorce?" Ladies' Home Journal, pp. 14-15,

Feb., 1938.
Roosevelt, Eleanor, "Divorce." Ladies' Home Journal, p. 16,

Apr., 1938.
"I Would Not Divorce Him Now." The Reader's Digest,

pp. 18-20, Sept., 1941.

Phelps, William L., "Religion in the Home." Good House-
keeping, p. 26, June, 1938.
Fosdick, Harry Emerson, "Family Religion." Journal of

Social Hygiene, May, 1935.
"What It Means to Marry a Catholic." Forum, pp. 339-345,

June, 1929.
Beesley, Thomas Q., "What It Means to Marry a Protestant."

Forum, pp. 226-230, Oct., 1920.

278 APPENDIX A

"I Married a Jew." The Atlantic Monthly, pp. 38-46, Jan.,

1939-

"Religion as an Important Resource." Childhood Education,
Feb., 1942.

United States Department of Labor, Children's Bureau, Wash-
ington, D.C., 1943. Maternity and Infant Care for Wives
and Infants of Men in the Armed Forces.

Groves, E. R. and G. H., "War Marriages." The American
Family, June, 1943, p. 3.

United States Department of Labor, Children's Bureau, Wash-
ington, D.C., 1943. To Parents in Wartime. Publication
No. 282.

Child Study Association of America. 227 East 57th Street,
New York. Children in Wartime.

Bowman, Henry A., "An Educator's Advice on War Mar-
riages." American Magazine, August, 1942.

Duvall, Evelyn M., "Marriage in Wartime." Marriage and
Family Living, Autumn, 1942.

Etmir, Elizabeth, "The Good Team." Mademoiselle, Novem-
ber, 1942.

Klaw, Barbara, "Camp Follower." The Atlantic Monthly,
October, 1943.

Note : The reader will be able to obtain many excellent prac-
tical and inexpensive helps in pamphlet form from the fol-
lowing local, state and federal agencies :

1. Your local city newspapers.

2. City and state departments of health.

3. U. S. Department of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.

4. U. S. Department of Labor Children's Bureau,
Washington, D.C.

5. Your state agricultural colleges.

PART IV. THE FAMILY AND DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY

LIST I. TO BE READ IN CONNECTION WITH TEXT 1
LIST 2. FOR MORE EXTENDED READING J

Angell, Robert C., The Family in the Depression. Charles
Scribner's Sons, New York, 1936.

"The Modern American Family. 11 The Annals of the Ameri-
can Academy of Political and Social Science, Mar., 1932.

"The American People." The Annals, Nov., 1936.

"Children in a Depression Decade." The Annals, Nov., 1940.

"The American Family in World War II." The Annals,
Sept., 1943-

REFERENCES FOR SUPPLEMENTARY READING

"The American Family." Extension issue of the American
Sociological Review, Oct., 1937. American Sociological
Society. F. S. Chapin, Managing Editor. Minneapolis,
Minn.

Baber, Roy, The Family. McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc.,
New York, 1939.

Chap. I. The Family in Transition
IV. Early American Family Life

V. A Medley of Marriage Laws
XII. The New Status of Women

XIII. Some Social Implications of Women's New

Activities

Becker, Howard, and Hill, Reuben, Marriage and Family Life.
D. C. Heath & Company, Boston, 1942.

Chap. V. Background of the American Family

VI. Changing Modes of Marriage

Groves, E. R., Marriage. Henry Holt and Company, Inc.,
New York, 1941.

Chap. XXIX. Problems of the Unmarried

XXX. A Philosophy of Marriage

Gruenberg, Sidonie M., The Family in a World at War. Harper
& Brothers, New York, 1942. Pp. 1-20. "War or Peace."
Frank, Lawrence K, " The Family in the National Emer-
gency, " pp. 56-68
Plant, James S., "Emotional Strains in Time of Crisis,"

pp. 143-155

Lazarsfeld, Paul F., and Stouffer, Samuel A., Research Memo-
randum on the Family in the Depression, Bulletin 29.
Social Science Research Council, 230 Park Avenue, New
York City, 1937.

Chap. III. Husband- Wife Relationships
IV. Other Familial Relationships

Stern, Bernhard, The Family Past and Present. D. Apple-
ton-Century Company, Inc., New York, 1939.

ARTICLES

Fisher, Mary Shattuck, "What Shall We Tell Children About

War?" Journal of Home Economics, pp. 272-279, May, 1942.
Fisher, Mary S. , " Safeguarding Family Values. " The Journal

of Educational Sociology, Jan., 1943.
Hall, Calvin, "The Instability of Post War Marriages."

Journal of Social Psychology, Jan., 1942.
Taylor, Katharine W., "Shall They Marry in Wartime?"

Journal of Home Economics, pp. 213-219, Apr., 1942.

280 APPENDIX A

Palmer, G., "Marriage and War." Ladies' Home Journal,

vol. 59, pp. iio-in, Mar., 1942.
Burgess, Ernest W., "The Effect of the War on the American

Family." The American Journal of Sociology, Nov., 1942.
Burke, Kenneth, "War and Cultural Life." The American

Journal of Sociology, Nov., 1942.
Allport, Floyd, "Must We Scrap the Family?" Harper's

Magazine, pp. 185-194, July, 1930.
Elliott, J. L., " Unchanging Values of the Family." Journal of

Social Hygiene, pp. 190-198, Apr., 1932.
Frank, L. K., "Facing Reality in Family Life." Mental

Hygiene, pp. 224-230, Apr., 1937.
McKinnon, Clinton, "What Can College Students Do to

Promote Adequate Preparation for Marriage and Parent-
hood?" Journal of Social Hygiene, Dec., 1931.
Frank, L. K., "Opportunities in a Program of Education for

Marriage and Family Life." Mental Hygiene, pp. 578-594,

Oct., 1940.

APPENDIX B

QUESTIONS AND EXERCISES FOR STUDENTS
TO ACCOMPANY STUDY OF THE TEXT

PART I. PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT IN RELATION TO
MARRIAGE

CHAPTER I. UNDERSTANDING ONE*S SELF AND OTHERS

1. What is meant when you say a person has a good per-
sonality? A poor personality?

2. What is the difference between saying John Smith has a
personality and John Smith is a personality?

3. Write a short two- or three-page description of the kind
of person you feel yourself to be. After you finish, list the
characteristics you feel to be desirable and those you feel
to be undesirable. Does this help you to see yourself more
objectively?

4. Describe the characteristics of a person whom you do not
like. List the characteristics which annoy you most.
Why do these particular characteristics irritate you?

5. What is the difference between your conception of the
kind of a person you are, the kind of a person you think
others think you are, and what some other person actually
thinks of you?

6. See if you can account for your favorable or unfavorable
feeling toward the physical appearance, complexion, style
of dress, or mannerisms of some other person?

7. A high-school senior girl asks for help in overcoming her
inability to make and keep friends. What suggestions
would you make to her?

'CHAPTER II. BASIC NEEDS AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR

i. What is the difference between our basic needs and our
desires and ambitions ?

281

282 APPENDIX B

2. When you cannot have or achieve something you want
very much, what do you usually do? Do you react the
same way when you cannot satisfy some basic need such
as food, or warmth in cold weather?

3. After reading Beulah Coon and Bess Goodykoontz,
Family Living in Our Schools, Chap. Ill, try and outline
your own basic needs which are adequately, partially, or
not in any sense being satisfied. Can you pick out any

. kinds of undesirable behavior on your part that may be
associated with this lack of basic need satisfaction?

4. A professor made the statement that " adjustment was
doing what someone else wanted done at a time when you
did not want to do it. " Do you agree?

5. Give an example of an instance where you have met a
difficult situation by (i) running away or evading it;
(2) attacking it and trying to change the other person or
situation; (3) altering your own attitude toward it.

CHAPTER III. FRIENDLINESS PATTERNS IN RELATION TO MARRIAGE

1 . Trace your relationships with your mother and father from
your earliest recollection to the present. Does it follow
the general outline of psychological development briefly
discussed in this chapter?

2. Can you discern ways in which your relationships with
boys or girls have been affected by your own kind of
friendliness feelings ?

3. What seem to you to be the characteristics of a normal
person at three years of age? Twelve years of age?
Your own age ?

4. Trace your own relationships to family, friends, and
teachers in elementary school, in high school, and, at
present, in school, socially or on your job. Have they
been the same or have they changed as you have grown
older?

5. What is the relationship of one's friendship patterns to
one's past relationship to authority, to his reality experi-

* ences with the external world about him, and to his sense
of security in his family relationships ?

6. What role do such emotions as fear, anger, hate, and
jealousy play in the kind of friendships we form and par-
ticularly in our dating, courtship, and engagement
relationships ?

QUESTIONS AND EXERCISES 283

PART II. THE IMMEDIATE PRELUDE TO MARRIAGE

CHAPTER IV. DATING AND COURTSHIP

1. Why do some girls have many dates while other equally
attractive girls have none ?

2. What are the advantages and disadvantages of going
" steady " with one's first " crush " throughout college, as
against dating several persons?

3. What suggestions do you have to help young people solve
the perplexing questions which arise in the process of
dating?

4. When a person says to you, "I love you," what does he
really mean? How can you tell when you are truly "in
love"? (See Bowman, pp. 31-42. Agree or disagree?
See Jordan, You and Marriage, Chap. Ill, Psychology of
Attraction. Agree or disagree ?)

5. What satisfactions are students seeking when they date?

6. What justification, if any, is there for a double standard
of morals ?

7. In your observation, to what extent does the popularity
of a girl depend upon her willingness to "pet"? What
specific forms of activity do you believe most helpful in
sublimating one's sexual desires ? What are the best ways
for diverting this energy into constructive action?

8. What are some of the best ways in which young people
can be helped in developing their own codes of sex
morality?

9. From your observation and experience, what have been
the actual effects of attempts at sex education by
Y.M.C.A.'s, Y.W.C.A.'s, ministers and special lecturers in
schools ?

10. For what activities, if any, should young people of mar-
riageable age be required to secure permission of their
parents ?

CHAPTER V. MATE SELECTION

1. What is the family's legitimate responsibility for the
proper mating of its children?

2. Do coeducational schools and jobs tend to increase one's
marriageable chances? What types of organizations for
women tend to have the highest and the lowest marriage
possibilities?

284 APPENDIX B

3. Do you think many girls do not marry because there are
no available men or because they do not know how to
meet and act in their relationships with men ?

4. Check yourself on the Marriage Prediction Scale in Himes,
Chap. VI. Do you think it considers all the most impor-
tant factors ?

5. What do Burgess and Cottrell and Terman find to be the
most important factors basic to successful mating?

6. Do you think the generally acceptable ideas about length
of engagement hold true in wartime ? Justify your answer.

7. What factors seem to you to carry most weight in con-
sidering differences between couples contemplating mar-
riage age, education, economic status, religion, race or
nationality, and health?

8. Dr. Paul Popenoe, Director of the American Institute of
Family Relations, says that men invited to a sorority
dance are, by convention, almost arbitrarily limited to
fraternity members. These men are not, at the most
critical time, the most prospective husbands. The soror-
ities would do better to issue invitations to the members
of the 20-30 Club and the Junior Chamber of Commerce.
Discuss the wisdom of this statement.

9. What advantages or disadvantages would there be in re-
ducing the proportion of people who do not have the
opportunity to marry by allowing women more initiative
and freedom in selecting their mates ?

10. What would be the advantage of modifying our American
plan of individual choice of a mate and allowing parents
more leeway in arranging marriages? This seems to work
satisfactorily in certain other societies.

CHAPTER VI. LOOKING FORWARD TO MARRIAGE

1. Should engaged persons tell each other everything about
their past experience? Why?

2 . What is the most satisfactory way to break an engagement
when the other person is still in love with you ?

3 . What do you think are the limits of one's intimacies during
engagement? Why?

4. What do you think are the things which contribute to the
best preparation for marriage? Does your answer apply
equally to men and women?

5. Talk with several young married women and see if they
feel there has been any "slump" in romance during the
first year of marriage?

QUESTIONS AND EXERCISES .285

6. Why is there more emphasis placed on preparation for
marriage for women than for men? What kind of pre-
marriage education do men need?

7. Do you think long separation during engagement and
before marriage has any advantage in testing or proving
the sincerity of one's love?

8. What are justifiable reasons for breaking an engagement?

9. What conditions make it advisable or inadvisable for a
couple to postpone their marriage until after the war?

10. What relationship would you expect promiscuity in the
unmarried to have in their attitude toward the family after
marriage?

11. If possible, talk with a young woman and a young man
engaged to be married and try to find out what each ex-
pects from marriage. Take this information and see if
you can find where their expectancies are similar or in
opposition to each other. Ask yourself the question,
"Does each know what he expects from marriage, and
does each person know what the other expects to get
from their marriage ?"

PART III. EVOLVING A SATISFACTORY FAMILY LIFE
CHAPTER VII. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE

1. Could you justify the statement that 75 per cent of young
men and 50 per cent of young women are not fit to marry?

2. What types of problems, if any, do couples as a rule not
have to meet during the first year of marriage?

3. Why is the first year the most crucial year?

4. What are the advantages and disadvantages of living in
a family ? Is the family the best and only basis for society ?
Why or why not?

CHAPTER VIII. PERSONALITY FACTORS IN RELATIONSHIPS

1. Bill Jones and his wife are in conflict over his sending
money to his brother who is in college. His wife has to
forego certain things for herself, buy less expensive gifts
for Christmas, and cannot continue in a bowling league
she belongs to. Analyze this situation. To what extent
is it a money problem, an in-law problem, a recreational
problem, or a personality conflict problem?

2. Contrast the role of husband and wife and of parent and
child in the colonial period and today. What changes do
you find? What further changes do you see ahead?

286 APPENDIX B

3. Should husband or wife have the final word about such
questions as what the income is to be spent for, the fre-
quency of marital relations, how often each person's
parents should be visited, the kind and amount of enter-
taining to be done, and the management of children?

4. Harry Emerson Fosdick says, "It is not marriages that
fail, it is people who fail. All marriage does is show people
up." Discuss. How does this compare with Plant's state-
ment that our basic personality patterns never change, we
just redirect our behavior along different lines in order to
make a better adaptation to new situations as they arise.

5. If the best golf courses are those with many hazards, would
you say that having many difficulties to overcome would
tend to increase or decrease family solidarity?

CHAPTER IX. SEX AS A FACTOR IN FAMILY LIFE

1. List the things you think men and women should know
about each other, as a helpful guide to better premarital
as well as marital relationships.

2. Name at least ten differences you observe in the daily
activities of men and women. Are these mainly differences
due to habit training or biological in their origin?

3. What differences, if any, exist between men and women in
cell structure, metabolic rate, blood temperature, heart
rate, and glandular secretions ? Do these facts have any
bearing on understanding each other?

4. Do you think adequate sex education has any bearing
upon how moral or immoral a person may be? Why?
What would you consider to be adequate sex education?

5. When, in their development, do young people become
markedly sex conscious ? Do you attribute this to social
factors, biological development, or attitudes resulting
from early training at home?

6. Why do you think there is not more early adolescent sex
play between the sexes ? Parental vigilance, psychological
timidity, or some other cause?

7. Human reproduction is a physical function belonging to
the field of biology without reference to mental, societal,
or ethical considerations. If this is true, why do many
people always think sex sinful or immoral?

CHAPTER X. PARENTS AND IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS

i. For what legitimate reasons should parents interfere with
the family life of a son or daughter?

QUESTIONS AND EXERCISES 287

2. Discuss the statement frequently made by parents, "I
have given my children a good education, and it is their
duty to support me when I get old."

3. Read the novel by Josephine Lawrence entitled Years Are
So Long and show how you would have handled the situa-
tions presented.

4. What is a grown child's responsibility to his parents?
How is the best way to get parents to recognize this?

5. Why are so many young married persons still afraid of
their parents ?

6. How can parents live up to high ideals without giving their
children the impression that they are old-fashioned?

CHAPTER XI. RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVING MONEY

1. If every married couple in the United States had an in-
come of $100 a week, would all their financial problems be
settled? Why?

2. Why are budgets so unpopular? What is the real purpose
of budgeting?

3. What periods in the life history of a family bring the most
acute financial problems?

4. Work out a sound financial plan for an individual getting
married today. What, if any, differences does our being
at war make in this plan?

CHAPTER XII. MANAGING THE HOME AND HOME RELATIONSHIPS

1. A young woman college instructor said, " Home economics
has no place in a college curriculum. A girl can learn to
cook and run a house after she is married." Discuss.

2. What household skills, if any, should a man be expected
to perform? Why?

3. If a young couple have money enough to have all their
household work done by hired help, is it necessary for the
wife to have had training in home economics ? Why ?

4. Talk with two or three homemakers and see what kind of
daily and weekly schedule for managing their homes they
follow, if any? Which person interviewed seemed to be
the most mature and happiest in her home relationships
and general outlook on life?

CHAPTER XIII. SOME OTHER FACTORS IN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

i. Talk with a couple married less than a year and find out
what their social and recreational activities are, both to-
gether and separately, at home and outside. Do the same

288 APPENDIX B

for a couple who have school-age children. Do the same
for a couple whose children are grown. Contrast and dis-
cuss the differences found.

2. How can young people be taught the importance of prac-
ticing what they know about good physical and mental
health habits since what they do in their early develop-
ment may only show up as they reach middle life?

3. In what ways is continuing education available in large
: cities? In rural areas?

4. What is the role of the church in religious education of
parents ?

5. What do Burgess and Cottrell and Terman find to be the
importance of religion in marital happiness? Do you
agree with their findings? Why?

CHAPTER XIV. THE COMING OF CHILDREN

1. What are the advantages and disadvantages of postpon-
ing childbearing for several years after marriage ?

2. Talk with a mother who has a baby under a year old and
find out in what ways the coming of the child affected their
household routines, their social activities and personal
relationships.

3. What might ideally be a father's role in relation to the
care and training of the infant and young child?

4. Observe young children in a nursery school and look for
individual differences particularly signs of fear, aggressive-
ness, withdrawal from the group, and sharing equipment
with others.

5. Do you think the nursery school provides a substitute for
the home in the early training of children? What are its
advantages and disadvantages ?

v 6. What is the importance of making a distinction between
loving a child and understanding him?

PART IV. THE FAMILY AND DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY

CHAPTER XV. SUCCESS OR FAILURE IN FAMILY DEVELOPMENT

1. Describe a successful family. Write up your own criteria
for judging a successful family.

2. Ask ten married people what factors they would include
in judging whether a family was successful.

3. Ask ten unmarried young people the same question as
above and compare the results of each group.

4. What evidences would you accept to show whether mar-
ried couples really are or are not happily married?

QUESTIONS AND EXERCISES 289

CHAPTER XVI. CRISES AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

1. Talk with a family case worker and get her observation of
how families who had never before been on welfare reacted
to unemployment during the depression of 1933.

2. Discuss the generalizations on the effect of the depression
on family relationships (made by Lazarsfeld in Social
Science Research Council Monograph The Family and
the Depression). .,

3. Discuss in class the contrasting ways in which different
families met the depression in Robert Angell, The Family
in the Depression.

4; What does the evidence seem to show as to the effect of
divorce upon children? "Divorce creates as many prob-
lems for the individuals concerned as it solves." Discuss.

5. "War has its origin in home training. It is essentially a
personality problem. " Do you agree? Why?

6. If one should never marry, formulate a plan of living
which you think would bring to him the maximum of
satisfaction and fulfillment in life.

7 . " Pear of death is evidence of immaturity. ' ' Do you agree ?
Why?

8. How may the church aid those persons who for some rea-
son do not marry? What other agencies should share, this
function ?

9. To what extent does the divorce rate accurately measure
the success or failure of marriage? Would marriage bene-
fit if divorce laws were uniform and more strict ? Would
this be better than having marriage laws uniform and
more strict ?

10. Farnsworth Crowder, in McCalVs magazine for February,
1936, lists the following code to follow if one would avoid
divorce : stay out of the west ; do not live in a metropolis ;
do not be childless; own things; do not scorn to do the
things your grandparents did; avoid being bossy; be
physically up to par ; do not be a matrimonial idiot ; love
your mate. From your readings in this field, what reliable
bases, if any, do you find for these statements?

it. What are the best methods of being helpful to persons
who have lost members of their family through death?

CHAPTER XVH. THE INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY

i. What are the responsibilities of government toward
private efforts which tend to be disruptive influences in
family life, e.g., certain types of movies, commercialized

290 APPENDIX B

recreation, false advertising, high pressure sales propa-
ganda, etc. ?

2. What do you think are the important functions of the
modern family?

3. What implications do you see in this chapter for the kind
of home training and education one should have to suc-
ceed in the modern world?

CHAPTER XVIII. MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY IN WARTIME

1. Talk with five families and find out in what ways their
lives have been changed as a result of wartime conditions.

2. What can one do partially to offset the added stress and
strain of living during the war?

3. What is meant by William James* words, "the moral
equivalent of war ' ' ?

4. "The principles which underlie good mating are no dif-
ferent in wartime than in any other time. ' ' Do you agree ?
Why then so much concern over wartime marriages and
possible postwar divorce ?

5. What evidence is there that babies born to married service
men may be eugenically superior to those born to the
general population?

CHAPTER XIX. WHAT LIES AHEAD

1. Compare the following articles on the future of marriage,
as to differences in point of view:

a. Baber, Roy, " Marriage and the Family After the War. "
The Annals, Sept., 1942.

b. Hill, Reuben, " The Future of the Family." In Becker,
Howard, and Hill, Reuben, Marriage and Family Life,
Chap. XXVI.

c. Folsom, Joseph K., The Family (1943 edition), Chap.
XVIII, "Men and Women in a Democracy."

2. What practical things can an individual do to improve the
conditions in community life which are detrimental to
individual and family welfare?

3. What is the role of the church, of government, and of
business and industry in social progress and welfare?
Are their aims and philosophies compatible?

4. Many people say it is not the function of the school to
provide courses in preparation for marriage but that this
should be done by parents. Since many parents do not
feel equipped so to educate their children, whose job is it
to educate the Barents?

QUESTIONS AND EXERCISES 891

5. What kinds of economic and industrial changes are likely
to affect marriage and family life during the next ten
years ? What effects do you think these changes will have
on the family?

6. In view of the fact that there has been a decline in the
feminist movement since about 1928, does this mean that
women do not want to be on an equal plane with men, are
not physically able to keep up with them, are not intelli-
gent enough for this competition, or what?

7. How important is the population problem in relation to
world peace?

8. How can proper family experience contribute to a demo-
cratic society and world peace?

APPENDIX C

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR CLASS OR GROUP
DISCUSSION OR FOR INDIVIDUAL REPORTS
BASED UPON INTERESTS OF COLLEGE FRESH-
MEN (21)

QUESTIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE ASKED
BY FRESHMAN COLLEGE STUDENTS

I. THE FAMILY AS A SOCIAL INSTITUTION (PART IV OF TEXT)

1. Has the purpose of marriage changed within the last
100 years ?

2. Would a study of the average American family bring
about desirable changes in many homes now and in the
future?

3. Should not the study of eugenics and heredity be placed
in the curriculum of every college student ?

II. TWO AND THREE GENERATION ADJUSTMENTS (THESE QUES-

TIONS APPLY AT DIFFERENT LEVELS. PARTS I, II, AND III
OF TEXT)

1. Up until what age should parents "lord it" over their
children? Or in other words, when is a boy or girl usually
capable of choosing his own friends, hours, and actions?
Is it possible for parents to be too strict with their children
in social life?

2. To what extent should your parents tell you what to do,
and name specific examples with explanations where you
should be on your own feet?

3. Should children do as parents say even though they know
it to be stupid and wrong?

4. "Just what is the extent of my independence of my
parents? As a student of less than voting age, yet assum-

292

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR CLASS DISCUSSION 293

edly on an equal plane of intelligence with my parents,
who have had less education, am I justified in making my
own decisions as to habits and pursuits?"

5. How can parents draw their children closer to them instead
of driving them away ?

6. " My parents and I don't mix together as well as I should
like us to. We have good times together but at the dinner
table, for example, we do not joke and have as much fun
as we should have. Each one of us sometimes thinks of
his own problems and there is not enough cheerful and
uplifting conversation although there is some. How can

, this be remedied?"

7. What can be done to narrow the gap found between son
or daughter and his or her own parents ?

8. What relation exists between the student's parents in
the way of happiness and family harmony? What type
parents does he have nagging or reassuring?

9. "I believe one of the greatest problems of family life to be
the temperament of the parents. This can make or break
family life. If one of the parents is to become irritated by
his or her work, or by some petty thing concerning only
himself, if he has a bad temper he can spoil the family re-
lations for many days at a time. My ideal in family life

, is one in which the mother and father are two pals with
their children and do not treat them as if they were
younger but as if they were old friends. How can this be
brought about ? ' '

10. Are your parents alert and interested in all that surrounds
them, or are they staid and settled and reluctant to change
their ideas and mode of living ?

11. A student is sometimes placed in embarrassing situations
in his town because of actions of a parent. Should he
* ' stick it out ' ' in that town or move where he is not known ?

12. Should your parents choose your friends?

13. Have the parents a natural right to choose mates for their
sons and daughters?

14. How much should one's family be considered when one
thinks of getting married ?

15. Should a parent intervene on a question of the marriage
of a member of the family to the point where they will
absolutely stop a prospective marriage?

1 6. Should any member of a family consider his own happi-
ness in preference to the welfare, or at the expense, of
other members of his immediate family ?

294 APPENDIX C

17. Just how much does one's family mean to a college student
and what things does he owe to that family?

18. When the child has reached the college age, just what
privileges can he expect to receive from the family, and,
in turn, what duties is he responsible for?

19. The question is often asked, "Am I depriving my family
of many pleasures and necessities by going to college?"
Perhaps this course should take such problems into
consideration.

20. Should parents deprive themselves of bare necessities to
send their children to college?

21. Should the children be expected to follow in their parents'
footsteps as far as a career is concerned?

22. Should parents plan their children's lives for them and
expect them to carry out the plans ?

23. "How can I get my parents to allow me to take the right
course, the one I am most interested in?"

24. Should parents be allowed to choose a vocation for their
son or daughter?

25. What ways are there to improve family relationships with
the maternal and paternal relations ?

26. How may a young couple successfully and without hard
feelings break away from their respective parents-in-law?
Or would it be possible to get the laissez-faire idea across
to the parents? Must we marry orphans?

27. Should a married man help support his parents?

28. Should "in-laws" depend on their children for financial
aid?

29. Should a young married couple live with the husband's
or wife's family for a short time until they get a start?

III. PREMARRIAGE PROBLEMS (PART II OF TEXT)

1. What type of person is usually able to carry on a success-
ful marriage?

2. How should one choose a good wife? What qualities
should she possess and what should she be capable of
doing?

3. In relation to choosing a mate what is the:

a. Role of heredity, health, and physical qualifications.

b. Role of education and intellectual level.

c. Role of social status and background.

d. Role of likes and dislikes, interests.

e. Role of personality.

f . Role of religion, race, and nationalitv.

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR CLASS DISCUSSION 295

g. Role of age differential,
h. Role of love.

i. Role of infatuation.

j. Best way of knowing if choice is right one.

4. What types of men and women should or should not
marry to produce the most intelligent and healthiest
families ?

5. Personal health: should it be considered before people
marry?

6. Should a girl marry if she knows definitely she cannot
have children ?

7. If you know you have active tuberculosis and are in love,
should you break off the affair?

8. Should a person marry when his family are all inclined
to be tubercular?

9. Should the man and woman be equally well educated or
should the man be superior in this respect ?

10. Is it advisable for a college graduate to marry a person
who is not a college graduate?

11. Are college love affairs usually successful?

12. If the woman is of superior intelligence, will that tend to
produce an unhappy state?

13. Should a person refrain from marriage because his would-
be partner has a poor background ?

14. Should a girl look for a man who has plenty of money and
no background, or one she really loves? One cannot be
happy on love alone.

15. Should the background of one's wife be considered before
marriage?

16. Is it well to marry above or below one's station in life?

17. Can two people with widely different cultural tastes ever
"make a go" of marriage?

1 8. Should a couple marry when each one has lived under dif-
ferent economic conditions or in different social and spir-
itual fields?

19. What degree of similarity of interests of husband and
wife are necessary to insure successful marriage?

20. Should a couple whose likes differ marry?

21. How much discrepancy in interests can exist between two
parties to a marriage contract and yet have the experi-
ment successful ?

22. Is it possible for two people of opposite temperaments to
be happy together?

23 . Is it wise to many a girl of different nationality or religion ?

296 APPENDIX C

24. How can religious differences be overcome?

25. Are religious differences sufficient reason to refuse to
marry? What proportion of such marriages succeed?

26. Should a man marry an older woman?

27. How much difference between the age of man and wife
should there be for a happy marriage ?

28. How great a difference in age should there be at the time
of marriage ?

29. Is love on the part of both individuals necessary for a
successful marriage?

30. Should couples marry if they do not experience a true
love but only a need for companionship.

31. How can one differentiate between infatuation and love
before it is too late ?

32. How can you tell whether you are really enough in love
to make your marriage successful? <

33. How can you tell whether your love for a person is not
just passion? Even if you stay in love for two or three
years before marrying, it can die quickly after marriage.
Why is that? How can you determine before marriage
whether your partner is the right one?

34. How can you be sure you are choosing the right mate for
a life of marriage?

35. What is the best age for marriage from the viewpoint of
both physical and mental maturity?

36. It seems that many who want to enter into matrimony
have, because of economic conditions, to wait so long that
much happiness is denied them for an extended period or
lost altogether. What chances are there for happiness if
a couple marries when young but does not enter into
housekeeping until financially able? Should students
marry? What advantages are there, if any, and what
are the disadvantages?

37. How long should a courtship, ending in marriage, last?

38. How long should persons be engaged, and what does this
engagement mean?

39. Should college graduates marry as soon as they graduate,
depending upon their education to secure them a job, or
wait until they are settled and are earning enough to
support a partner in marriage ?

40. How should young couples intending to get married arrive
at the point and discuss children, beliefs, etc. ?

4.1. What are the proper relationships during the period of
courtship?

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR CLASS DISCUSSION 297

42. Does a girl have to "neck 1 ' to be popular in college?

43. How much of the student's time should be occupied with
social and recreational activities as compared with study?

44. Can a boy or girl work his way through college and still
get the most out of it ?

45. Should you run around with sons of rich families even
though your father says he cannot afford it ? How can you
refuse their invitations politely ?

iv. SEX (APPLY AT DIFFERENT STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT

PARTS I, II, AND III OF TEXT)

1 . Might more adequate sex education be effective in improv-
ing family relations as well as other relations ?

2. Give some information regarding the problem of thor-
oughly understanding the underlying and fundamental
motives of sex?

3. Why do we not have more instruction on the biological
functions, especially those pertaining to the physical
relationship ?

4. How can parents inform their children on sex and its
problems efficiently, sensibly, and in a way that they can
understand?

5. At what age should sex instruction for children start, how
much should they be told, and what particular aspects
should be explained to them?

6. Basic courses in the psychology of marriage should also
be offered. Men and women are essentially different in
most of their attitudes toward life, and methods should be
devised which would make these attitudes harmonize
more nearly. A great many marriages have failed because
men do not understand women as personalities and vice
versa. How remedy this ?

7. What is the psychology of a suitable sex life after marriage
and how should it be treated?

8. What to do, or not do, in courtship for best results and
happiness in marriage later on.

9. How can two average young people who are in love and
cannot be married for a few years keep from, or at least
control, satisfaction of sexual impulses?

10. If marriage is not financially possible, what is the sub-
stitute, if any?

n. Would not a frank treatment of sexual desires and emo-
tions as well as ways of satisfying them be welcomed?

298 APPENDIX C

12. How can sexual intercourse be indulged in so as to give
maximum satisfaction, benefit, and enjoyment?

13. What will be the result of any intimate relations with
men or women outside of marriage ?

14. Is the much heralded sex as great a factor in a successful
marriage as it is said to be?

J5. What are the best methods of contraception, and what
are the virtues?

1 6. "I am a Roman Catholic, and I find it hard to reconcile
the view of the Church on sex, birth control, etc., with the
prevalent worldly and seemingly logical views of today.
Therefore, I'd like a little clear-headed thinking done for
me on this problem. Naturally a wife and a husband
would have to hold the same views on this problem, and
I'm wondering how we'd straighten it out if I, with the
worldly masculine viewpoint on sexual relations, should
marry a girl who had been reared a strict Catholic and
held exactly opposite views to mine."

17. Is it possible to plan when to have children so that neither
career nor finances will be in the way?

18. Is it possible to limit the number of children? How?

19. Are occasional visits to disorderly houses really as detri-
mental as is said?

20. Is not companionate marriage a wise thing that is to
live with a man for a certain length of time to make sure
you are willing to live with him the rest of your life?

7. ACCORD IN FAMILY ADJUSTMENT (EXCLUDING SEX) (PART III
OF TEXT)

1. When a man and woman get married, there are many
changes they must make in their lives. Could they be
taught how to accustom themselves to married life?

2. What can we do to make ourselves sufficiently interesting
so that we may be able to keep the interest of our mate,
husband, or wife?

3. How can love grow deeper through the years?

4. Is frankness and truth always to be desired in marriage?

5. Does love exist for years after a couple is married, and
how can it be retained and treasured?

6. What form of recreation can the family as a whole par-
ticipate in?

7. In order to have a satisfying family and successful mar-
riage, people should be taught to live together and

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR CLASS DISCUSSION 299

appreciate one another. The reason for a great many
unsuccessful marriages is that either one of the persons
or probably both are too interested in worldly activities.
If this is the case, there will be little or no family life.
This could be eliminated if the husband and wife would
share their social responsibilities with those of their family.
How can this be promoted?

8. Is it right for a wife to expect her husband to give up
recreations, such as fishing or hunting, because she wants
him to? Should not she try to learn them instead?

9. What are the probable effects of married life on character?

10. Students should be given an idea what life is about, what
constitutes happiness, what to strive for, and what not to
strive for. What are the important things in the end?

11. One of the primary difficulties of early marital life is the
lack of consideration which college graduates show for
their partners. Primarily, marriage is a partnership.
College graduates are usually self -centered individuals
whose foremost considerations are for the ego. This in-
flated ego often leads to the destruction of an otherwise
successful marriage. The refusal to consider your part-
ner's viewpoint leads to difficulties which become more
and more serious and end in disastrous results. How can
this situation be remedied?

12. How can one live his life to the fullest so that not only he,
but also his family, may benefit from the results of his
living?

13. How can one learn to analyze a person's mind in order
to be able to get along with that certain person?

14. Is it essential that either husband or wife predominate
in household affairs ?

15. How should the institution of marriage be managed?
Should it be a fifty-fifty proposition, or should there be
one boss of the family?

16. How much "say" should husband and wife have over
each other?

17. In a successful marriage should not the husband and wife
do everything fifty-fifty, each admit the other's equal
intelligence, each have a share in the finances, etc. ?

1 8. What should be the attitude of a husband toward the
arrival of a child? Should he be pushed into the back-
ground or are there things for him to do? To what ex-
tent does the coming of children create or help to elimi-
nate family conflict ?

300 APPENDIX C

vi. DISCORD (EXCLUDING SEX) (PART iv OP TEXT)

1. What does all this incompatibility mentioned so often in
divorce cases include? How can divorces be obtained for
this?

2. What is lacking in a family that breaks up in divorce
courts ?

3. How can one make one's home life happy and successful
when one's parents are divorced, and not allow divorce to
spoil one's conception of marriage?

4. Should families in which there are children consider
divorce ?

5. How is it possible for children to get along and lead a
normal life when their parents are divorced?

6. What are the common causes and probable cures for the
breaking down of homes?

7. Should financial matters rule family discord?

8. Is lack of control and selfish desire an important cause of
unhappy marriage ?

9. How can family disagreements, if and when they arise, be
corrected? Can family disagreements be avoided?

VII. FAMILY ECONOMICS (PRIMARILY PART III OF TEXT SOME

QUESTIONS APPLY TO PART II ALSO)

1. How does one go about making a complete budget of the
family income?

2. Should instruction be given on how to make and maintain
an adequate budget ?

3. How can the budget be well balanced?

4. Is too careful budgeting detrimental to the family?

5. What should the factor concerning money be if both the
wife and husband work? Should the money be controlled
jointly, or one or the other have the balance of power?

6. Who should control the purse strings in a family where
both husband and wife work?

7. What is better and works for a more harmonious house-
hold pooling incomes or separate bank accounts ?

8. How is it possible for those unable to pay for competent
medical care during pregnancy to obtain it?

9. Is it advisable to have children if you are without definite
financial security?

10. How should one save for the future?

11. What is the proper way to spend, and yet save enough
money to get through "hard times'-?

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR CLASS DISCUSSION 301

12. How can financial affairs be properly taken care of in the
home?

13. What are the chances of a successful marriage when only
a subsistence wage is earned by the husband ?

14. Is it right for a boy or girl to come to college at the extreme
sacrifice of the parents ? There are a number of students
of parents from the laboring classes who are troubled by
this problem. This is a mental handicap to the student,
who never enjoys "college life" (social activities, etc.) be-
cause he is struck with the idea that he must labor unceas-
ingly so as not to fail his parents. From still another point
of view this gives the boy or girl a sense of obligation to
his or her parents. Thus he will not marry unless his
parents are "well fixed " financially. Discuss!

15. If one or more members of the same family are going to
college and if funds are low, should the youngest one be
allowed to sacrifice his place so that the older one may
finish his course ?

16. Why are not expenses of college looked upon as the earn-
ings of the students rather than luxury ?

17. Is it true that when the "bill collector rings at the front
door, love goes out the back"? Give three reasons in
support of your answer.

1 8. Children should know where the family income goes and
how much of it is spent on them. Is it necessary to have
allowances for this? This point is mentioned because
much of the family trouble which has arisen, has been
over money matters. Discuss.

19. Should the wife be allowed to work if the husband can
support the family? How does the war situation affect
your answer ?

20. Should the wife be allowed to work if it eases the financial
burden of the husband ?

21. Can one have a successful career and marriage?

22. What are the chances of combining a career and marriage ?
Can a woman be successful in both ? Will she find enough
happiness in a career, such as that of a lawyer or doctor,
to give up marriage ? Can you give us examples of such
women and suggestions ?

23. What is the minimum income that would be necessary
for marriage? To support a family?

24. Should a young man, who has gone through college on
borrowed money, delay his marriage until he has repaid
his debt? Should he deprive himself of certain things

302 APPENDIX C

immediately after graduation and make an effort to return
the money immediately?

25. Should two people very decidedly in love refuse to marry
because their yearly income is not enough to meet their
usual expenditures, but is adequate if they reduce their
style of living?

VIII. CHILDREN (PART III OF TEXT)

1. One of the most important family matters that should be
taken care of in such an instruction course is the care and
training of children. Many people of today do not realize
the value of knowing how to raise their children. Why is
this not a part of every college curriculum for women?
Men?

2. What are the most prevalent child diseases, and what are
the best means of, primarily, prevention, and secondly,
cure?

3. " My parents and others have told of mistakes they have
made in raising their children and realized these mistakes
only too late. I would eagerly elect in my course some
subject pertaining to the development of the intellect and
character of children from the very beginning of their
lives." Is this possible in every college? Why?

4. Just what attitudes or relationships should be maintained
between parents and children on the problem of discipline?

5. How should the task of rearing the children be divided?

6. How many children can the average woman have in the
average home without destroying her vitality and the
savings of the family?

7. Is there a tendency for childless married couples to break
up more easily than married couples having children?

8. Is it possible to have a modern, successful marriage with-
out having a child for a " binding" influence?

9. Can two married people live a full and happy life without
children?

IX. RELIGION AND ETHICS (PART III OF TEXT)

1. Do you think it is a good thing for a child to have too
much to say in respect to its choice of a religion?

2. How avoid complications of differences in religious beliefs
in raising children?

3. After marriage should the husband go with the wife to
her church or vice versa ? Or should this problem be de-
cided upon before marriage?

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR CLASS DISCUSSION 303

4. Where should the children go if each parent goes to a
different church?

5. What is the part of religion in family life and marriage?

6. What should be the religious participation of the family
as a unit ?

7. Can a marriage be really successful without a spiritual
background? How important is similarity of spiritual
background, i.e. Catholic vs. Protestant?

APPENDIX D

A PREMARITAL CONTRAST INTERVIEW BLANK

By Robert G. Foster

The Premarital Contrast Blank is not to be used as a questionnaire.
Its main purpose is as a guide in interviewing. It offers many
items, some of which are more important than others, but all of
which, at some time or another, and in different situations, may
prove to be the points at which definite help needs to be given to
the person or persons seeking advice. It is for the use of the
counsellor and to be filled out by him.

Person Interviewed

I nter vie wer Date

Item

Yourself

Your
Fiance

Notes

I. Age

2. Length of engagement

3. How and where did you meet

4. Education

5. Major in college

6. College debts

.

Father

7. Nationality Mother

8. Religious views

Father

9. Religion of parents Mother

In College

10. Club Affiliations Present

II. Physical vigor (If no exam)

12. Eugenic history

13. Mental level (Test or scholastic grade

average)

14. Emotional stability and mental health

(From interview)

304

A PREMARITAL CONTRAST INTERVIEW BLANK

305

Hem

Yourself

Your
Fiance

Notes

15. Occupational history (Home and outside)

1 6. Occupation of parents

17. Family living together

1 8. Knowledge of family of fiance

19. Attitude toward fiance's family

20. Number brothers and sisters

21. Rank among children

22. Parental attachments

23. Sibling attachments

24. Agreement as to having children

25. Agreement as to number of children

26. Where do parents live

27. Where will you live after marriage

28. What is your income

29. Years worked

30. What savings have you

31. Born and reared in city, village, farm

32. Mobility of parental group

33. Money pattern of parents

34. Your plans for money handling

35. Economic responsibility

36. When do you plan to marry

37. Reasons for date above

38. Personal habits you dislike

39. Do you smoke

40. Do you drink

41. Personal appearance of individual

42. What recreational interests have you

43. What are your hobbies

44. Interest in art, music, drama, etc.

45. Primary interest people or things

46. Primary interest country or city

47. Will wife work after marriage

48. Background of sex attitudes and

relations

49. Attitudes and relations with opposite

sex during engagement

50. Attitudes and relations with opposite

sex after marriage

51. What ultimate aims have you for your

married life?

52. What do you like most about your

fiance?

306

APPENDIX D

Item

Yourself

Your
Fiance

Notes

53. What do you like least about your
fiance?

54. Premarital Relations

55. What is your greatest ambition in life?

56. What have you read in preparation
for marriage?

57. Unusual crises in life to date

58. Type of wedding planned

59. Test and examination reports

a. Physical premarital Examination

b. Bernreuter Personality

c. Detroit Advanced Intelligence Test

d. Values test (Allport-Vernon)

Copyright 1938, Robert G. Foster

APPENDIX E

REFERENCES CITED IN THE TEXT

1. Plant, James S., Personality and the Cultural Pattern. Com-
monwealth Fund. Division of Publications, New York, 1937.

2. May, Mark, Proceedings 2nd Colloquium on Personality Inves-
tigation. Held under auspices of the Amer. Psychiatric Associ-
ation Committee on Relations of Psychiatry and the Social
Sciences. Nov. 29-30, 1929, New York.

3. Thomas, W. I., The Person and His Wishes. A restatement by
Jennings, Watson, Meyer and Thomas in Suggestions of Mod-
ern Science Concerning Education. The Macmillan Company,
New York, 1917.

4. Prescott, Daniel A., Emotion and the Educative Process.
American Council on Education, Washington, D.C., 1938.

5. Burgess, E. W., and Cottrell, Leonard, Predicting Siiccess or
Failure in Marriage. Prentice-Hall, Inc., New York, 1939.

6. Ibid.

7. Terman, Lewis M., Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness.
McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc., New York, 1938.

8. Popenoe, Paul, "Should College Students Marry ?" Parents'
Magazine, vol. 13, p. 18, July, 1938.

9. Anonymous, "I Have Been Married a Year." Ladies' Home
Journal, p. 31, Apr., 1937. Copyright. Quoted by special per-
mission.

10. Foster, R. G., and Wilson, Pauline P., Women After College.
Columbia University Press, New York, 1942. P. 27.

11. Ibid., pp. 80-84.

12. Frank, L. K., ''The Needs of the Child. " The National Par-
ent Teacher Magazine, Dec., 1938. The National Parent
Teacher, Inc., 600 St. Mary Ave., Chicago S, 111.

13. Anonymous, "I Have Been Married a Year." Ladies' Home
Journal, p. 31, Apr., 1937. Copyright. Quoted by special per-
mission.

14. Foster, R. G., "Democracy in The Family." Forecast, p. 470,
Dec., 1938 Quoted by permission.

307

308 APPENDIX E

r5. Foster, R. G., "Democracy in The Family. " Forecast, p. 470,
Dec., 1938. Quoted by permission.

1 6. Ibid.

17. Ibid.

18. Crowell, Grace Noll, Good Housekeeping, New York. Oct. 1936.
Quoted by special permission.

19. Donne, John, Devotion Upon Emergent Occasions. Meditation
No. 17. As quoted in Hemingway, Ernest, For Whom the Bell
Tolls. Charles Scribner's Sons, New York, 1940.

20. Terman, Lewis W., Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness.
McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc., New York, 1938.

21. Becker, Carl, and Hill, Reuben, Marriage and the Family.
D. C. Heath and Company, Boston, 1943.

22. Rand, W., Sweeny, M., and Vincent, E. Lee, Growth and Devel-
opment of the Young Child. W. B. Saunders Company, Phila-
delphia, 1940.

23. Lindeman, Eduard, "The Importance of the Family in the
Democratic Process." Parent Education, p. 36, Dec., 1937.

24. Foster, Robert G., adaptation with permission from " Marriage
During Crisis." Journal of Home Economics, June, 1943.

25. Farrell, Mary P., "After Thirty Years." What's New in Home
Economics, March, 1941.

26. Foster, Robert G., adaptation from "Today Is the Future."
What's New in Home Economics, Feb., 1942.

27. Drummond, Laura, Youth and Instruction in Marriage and
Family Living. Contributions to Education No. 856. Bureau
of Publications, Teachers College, Columbia University, New
York, 1942. Quoted by special permission.

INDEX

Abortion,

dangerous, 144
Adjustments, 32 ff.

based on needs, 25 f .

emotional, 33 f .
forms of, 33 f .

good, defined, 34

in early marriage, 122 ff.

in handling money, 153 ff.

in home management, 163 ff.

normal, in marriage, 107 ff.

physical and mental, 181 f.

physiological, 33

poor, forms of, 34

sex, 133 ff.

problems in, 144

socialand family relationships, iy8f .

to available facilities, 173 ff.

to being unmarried, 223 ff.

to family crises, 212 ff.
Affection,

capacity for, 48 ff.
Age,

differences, 83 f .

for marriage, 82 f .
Anger, 9
Attitudes,

altering our own, 37 f .

toward being unmarried, 223 ff.

toward home management, 163 ff.

toward sex, 98

Balance,

in living, need for, 38 f ., 69 f .
Basic,

organization of life,
economic, 29
regulative, 30
religious, 30
sexual, 31
Basic needs,
and human behavior, 24 ff.

classified, 24 ff.

for balance in living, 38 f .
Becker, Carl, 221
Behavior,

and basic needs, 24 ff.
Benson, John C., 219
Bereavement,

a family crisis, 217 f.
Budgeting,

in marriage, 157 ff.
Burgess, E. W., 76

Case studies,

adjustments to war, 257 ff.

early marriage, 108 ff., 116 ff.

family conflicts, 128 ff.

in handling money, 154 ff.

in-law relationships, 146 ff.

why I am what I am, 17 ff.
Children,

affected by family, 195 ft-, 235 f .

and divorce, 221

and war, 250 f .

effect on family relationships, 195 f .,
202 ff., 235 f.

importance of, 186 ff., 211

infants, 192 ff.

lack of, 222

planning for, 143 f., 186 ff.

pregnancy, i86ff., 211

young, 195 ff.

youth and the future, 251 ff
Community,

a factor in personality develop-
ment, 14
Conditioning,

of emotions and behavior, 8, 10,

13 ff., 52 ff.

Cottress, Leonard, 76
Counseling,

importance of, 228

relationships, 228 f .

309

310

INDEX

Courtship, 51 ff. %

intimacies of, 67 ff.

role of family in, 70 f .
Crises (see also Problems)

and human relationships, 212 ff.

bereavement, 217 f.

childlessness, 222

conflict situations, 215 ff.

divorce, 218 f.

economics, 212 ff.

historical, affecting the family,
241 ff., 251 ff.

illness, 214 f.

social stigmas, 222 f .
Crowell, Grace N., 165
Crushes,

in development of love, 43 f .
Culture,

a factor in personality develop-
ment, 14 f.

American, dating practices, 61 f.

transmitted through the family,
235

Dating, 51 ff.

social purposes of, 71
Declaration of Independence,

quoted, 30
Democracy,

and the family, 199 ff.

in family living, 177
Depression of 1933, 242
Development,

of children, i86ff.

of family, 201 ff.
phases of, 202 ff.

of friendliness patterns, I ff., 40 ff.

of intellectual self, 1 1 f .

of physical self, 5 ff.

of satisfactory family life, 105 ff.,
133 ff.

of self, 4 f .

of social self, 10 f .

of spiritual self, 12 f.

personal, in relation to basic needs,
24 ff.

personal, in relation to marriage,

iff.

case study, 17 ff.
Divorce,

a family crisis, 218 ff.

and children, 221
Donne, John, 183

Economic,

crises, 212 ff.

home purchasing, I72f.

income and marriage, 91

organization of life, 29

planning, 265

responsibilities, 100

status and mate selection, 87
Education,

and mate selection, 84 ff .

by the family, 232 ff.

continuing after marriage, 182 f.
Emotion,

anger, 9 f .

fear, 8 f .

hate, 9 f .

jealousy, 9 f .

love, 9 f .
Emotional,

adjustments, 33 f ., 77

conditioning, 8, 10, 13 ff., 52 ff.,

141 *-, 232
illustrated, 21 f.

crises, 2i5ff.

dependence, 48

maturity, 55 f., 79, 181 f., 265 ff.

needs and human behavior, 24 ff.

outlets, and dating, 69 f .

self, 7 ff.
Engagement, 94 ff .

breaking of, 95

length of acquaintance, and,
84 f.

personal confessions during, 95

premarital considerations, 98 f .

purposes, 94 f .

romance in, 104
Expression,

of needs, individual, 27 ff.

of needs, societal, 29 ff.

Family,

and the individual, 234 ff.

an educational institution, 232 ff.

a transmitter of the culture, 235

democracy in, 177, 199 ff.

development,

criteria of success, 205 ff .

phases of, 202 ff .
feeding of, 171 f.
importance of, 234 ff .
in wartime, 237 ff .
men's role in, 207 f .

INDEX

311

Family (continued)
paternal,

and development of love, 41 ff.
basis of social behavior, 64
development of satisfactory fam-
ily life, 105 ff.

emotional conditioning in, 13
overpfotection of individual, 48
relations and mating, 75 ff.
relationships to, after marriage,

145 ff.

role in courtship, 70 f .
relationships,

and ageing, 204 f .
and children, 186 ff., 195 ff.
and crises, 212 ff.
and democracy, 177, 199 ff.
and divorce, 221
and money, 153 ff.
and social relationships, 178 ff.
in first year of marriage, 1 14 ff .
personality factors in, 122 f.
physical and mental health, 181 f .
sex, a factor in, 133 ff.
types of problems in, 123, 128 ff.
social function of, 231 f.
women's role in, 207 f .
Fatigue,

in home management, 166 f .
in relation to happiness, 177
ways of reducing, 167 ff.
Fears, 8 f .

in relation to emotional develop-
ment, 8 f .

in relation to sex practice, 141 ff.
Feeding the family, 171 f.
Ferris, Ralph H., 219
Frank, Lawrence K., 132
Friendliness,

affected by personality, i ff.
and success in marriage, 40 ff., 178 f .
capacity for, 48 ff.
patterns, evolution of, 40 ff., 178 f.
Friendship,

consummated in engagement, 75
in relation to marriage, I ff.
qualities of, 47 ff.
Future,

of marriage, 247 ff., 255 ff.
of youth, 251 ff., 260 ff.

Heredity,

and feelings of inferiority, 6 f .
Hickson, W. J., 219
Hill, Reuben, 221
Hoffman, C. W., 219
Home management,

and pregnancy, 189

and relationships, 163 ff.

defined, 177
Honeymoon,

in relation to marriage, 100 f .

purpose of, 99

type of, 99 f .
Hull, Bradley, 219
Human relationships,

see: Dating and courtship, Engage-
ment, Family, Husband-wife
relationships
Husband-wife relationships,

and crisis situations, 212 ff.

and home management, 163 ff.

and money, 153 ff.

first year of marriage, 114 ff.

personal habits, 130

personality factors in, 122 ff., 125 ff

personal status, 130 f., 231 ff .

sex factors in, 133 ff.

sex relationships, beginning of,
136 f.

types of problems in, 123, 128 ff.

Illness

a crisis, 214 f.

and family relationships, 181 f.
Income,

and mating in marriage, 91
Individual differences,

personality, 7 f .

physical, 6 f.
Individual,

and society, 230 ff.

and the family, 234 ff.

expression of needs, 27 ff.

and conditioning, 27
Inferiority feelings, 5 f .

in relation to basic needs, 24
In-law,

relationships, 145 ff.
Intellectual,

maturity, 55

Hate,

a basic emotion, 95

Jealousy,

a basic emotion, 9 f.

312

INDEX

Lindeman, Eduard, 238
Lippmann, Walter, 105
Love,

a basic emotion, 9 f.

development of, 41 ff .

Management,

see: Children, Home, Husband-
wife relationships, Money,
Sex relationships
Marriage,

adjustments in, 107 ff., 125

age for, 82 f .

and Depression of 1933, 242

and education, 88 ff., 182 f.

and friendliness patterns, 40 ff .

and home management, 163 ff.

and infants, 190 ff.

and maturity, 54 ff.

and money, 153 ff.

and parental and in-law relation-
ships, 145 ff.

and planned parenthood, 143 f.

and pregnancy, i86ff.

and religion, 183 ff.

and World War I, 241

and World War II, 243

and young children, 195 ff.

a negation of individualism, 230

a personal matter, 1 13 f .

a social responsibility, 112 f.,
231 ff.

counseling, 228 f .

crises in, 212 ff.

first year of, 107 ff., 125

future of, 247 ff., 255 ff.

honeymoon, 99 f .

in wartime, 237 ff.

lack of, 223 ff.

personal development in relation
to, I ff., 55 f., 79, 181 f., 265 ff.

personal relationships in, 122 ff.

planning ahead, 256 ff.

prelude to, 59

pre-marriage period, 94 ff .

romance in, 102 ff.

sex factors in, 133 ff.

sex practice in, 141 f.

sex relationships, 136 ff.

success or failure, 39, 76, 91 f.,
107 ff., 125, 130, 136 f., 141 ff,
153 ff-, 163 ff., 173 ff., 178 ff.,

201 ff., 205 ff., 221

types of problems in (see also Prob-
lems)
using available household facilities,

173 .

"weekend," 84

woman working, 91 f.
Masturbation,

in relation to sex adjustment, 141
Mate selection, 72 ff.

contrasting factors related to, 81 f.

factors related to, 81 ff.

in relation to maturity, 54 ff.

in relation to personality, 46 ff.

process of, 72

subjective aspects of, 79 ff.
Maturity,

and marriage success, 54 ff., 79,

181 f., 265 ff.
May, Mark, 15
Menstruation,

and pregnancy, 190

and sex relationships, 143
Mental health,

and family relationships, 181 f.,

214 f.
Money,

and husband-wife relationships,

153 ff-

and marriage, 91, 153 ff.
budgeting, 157 f.
food buying, 172 f.
methods of handling, 157 f.
planning for future, 161 f.
Morgan, William L., 219

Nationality,

differences, and mate selection, 88
Needs,

basic, 24 ff.

for balance in living, 38 f .

Occupation,

and mate selection, 91

Parents,

see: Family, paternal and children

in wartime, 250 f.
Personal,

aspects of marriage, 112 f.

aspects of sex, 133 f.

habits, in husband-wife relations,

130
maturity, 55 f ., 79, 181 f ., 265

INDEX

313

Personal (continued)

standards and dating, 65

status, in marriage, 130 f.
Personal development,

in relation to basic needs, 24 ff.

in relation to marriage, I ff., 132

in the family, 235
Personality,

and basic needs, 24 ff .

and dating, 62

and mate selection, 46 ff.

and physical characteristics, 15

defined, 15

development, i ff.

effect of community, 14

effect of culture, 14 f.

factors in husband-wife relation-
ships, 122 ff., 128 ff.
Petting,

during courtship, 66 ff.
Physical,

attraction, 46

characteristics and personality, 15

examination, premarital, 97 f .

fatigue and homemaking, 166 f.

health, and family relationships,
181 f., 214 f.

maturity, 54 f .

vigor, and mate selection, 90 f .
Plant, James S. f 7
Plato, 3
Pregnancy,

and home management, 189

and menstruation, 190

considerations prior to, i86ff.

planning for, 1 86 ff .

questions about, 190 ff.

signs of, 190
Premarital,

interview, 98 f .

intimacies, 67 ff .

physical examination, 99 f .
Prescott, Daniel A., 25 ff.
Problems (see also Crises)

illness, 181

in first year of marriage, 107 ff.

in handling money, 153 ff.

in marriage, interrelations of, 128 f .

in pregnancy, 189

in sex adjustment, 144

in wartime, 238 ff .

of being unmarried, 223 ff .

of social relationships, 178 f.

parental and in-law, 145 ff.
part of life, 108
personality, in marriage, 122 f.
social and recreational, 180 f.
what to do, 22$ f .

Rand, Winifred, 234
Recognition,
need of, 24
Recreation,

and marriage, i8of., 233
Regulative,

organization of life, 30
Relationships,

see also: Counseling, Family,
Friendliness, Home, Human,
Husband-wife, In-law, Mar-
riage, Money, Sex, Social
Religion,

and marriage, 183 ff.
Religions,

differences, and mate selection, 88 ff.
institutions, and family life, 233
Religious,

organization of life, 30
Response,

need of, 24
Role,
of man,

in family, 207 f.
in society, 224 f.
of woman,

in family, 207 f .
in society, 224 f .

Santayana, George, 60
Security,
need of, 24
with peers, 62
Self,

development of, 4 f .
emotional, 7 ff
intellectual, n f.
physical, 5 ff.
heredity, 6 f .
sex differences in, 6 f .
structure and function, 6
variability of, 6 f .
social, 10 f.
spiritual, 12 f.

status in marriage, 130 f ., 231 ff.
understanding oneself and others,

314

INDEX

Sex, anatomy, 135 f., 138 ff.
and childbearing, 143 f.
attitudes, 98, 135 f ., 189
differences,

in happiness in marriage, 77 ff .
in physical structure and func-
tion, 64

in reproductive process, 135 f.
in sex role, 207
in family life, 133 ff.
knowledge, 98, 135 f., 189
personal aspects, 133 f.
practice in marriage, 141 ff.
relationships,
and fears, 141 ff.
and menstruation, 143
attitudes toward, 141 f.
beginning of, 136 f.
frequency, in marriage, 143
success, factors in, 142 f.
social aspects, 133 f.
taboos, 230

undesirable experiences, 141 f.
Sexual,

organization of life, 30
Social,

aspects of sex, 133 f.
maturity, 55 f.
purpose of dating, 71
relationships, and family relation-
ships, 178 f.

responsibility in marriage, 112 f.
stigmas as crises, 222 f .
values, 12
Societal,

expression of needs, 29 ff.
Society,

and the family, 211
and the individual, 230 f .
disrupted by war, 253 f.
Status, personal, 130 f., 231 ff.
Structure,

and dynamic processes, 25

and function of physical self, 6
Success and failure,

in marriage, see: Marriage
Sweeny, Mary E., 234

Terman, Lewis W., 85
Thomas, W. T., 24 f.
Twentv-five year plan fo'r marriage,
256

Understanding,

of basic needs, 24 ff.

oneself and others, 3 ff.
Unmarried status, 223 ff .

adjustments to, 226 f.

reasons for, 224 f .

Vacations,

and marriage, i8of.
Values, 12

Value judgments, 63
Variability,

in physical structure, 6 f .
Vincent, E. L., 234

War,

adjustments to, 257 ff.

and children, 250 f .

and marriage and the family, 237 ff

and youth, 251 ff.

disrupts society, 253 f.

World, I, 241

World, II, 243
Warren, George L., 201
Wedding,

arrangements for, 96 f .

types of ceremony, 96 f.
World War I, 241
World War II, 243

Youth and the future, 251 ff