The mayor of Garratt: a comedy, in two acts:

A

A

0
0
0

3
7

9 I

I 9 :

I 8 ;
6 i

OWN

AT

LOS ANGELES

LIBRARY

£- i/ssriAti.

JL

Ma

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT:

BY SAMUEL FOOTE.

WITH AN HISTORICAL ACCOUNT OF THE MOCK
ELECTION.

Illustrated with Designs by R. Seymour ; Engraved
by Nesbit, Slader, Welch, and Johnson.

LONDON

W. STRANGE, 21, PATERNOSTER ROW; 6. ^
VIRTUE, 26. IVY LANE; & G. BEROER,
48, HOLYWELL STREET, STRAND
J1DCCCXXXI

Thomas While, Printer, Johnson's Court.

5497

THE COMEDY OF

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT:

WITH THE HISTORY OF
THE MOCK ELECTION HELD THERE

*

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT
A COMEDY, IN TWO ACTS:

BY SAMUEL FOOTE.

Illustrated with Designs from It. Seymour; Engraved by
Nesbit, Slader, Welch, and Johnson.

You shan't tlnuk to Lector and domineer over me as you Lave done; for I'll 50 to the

dub when 1 please, and stay out as late as I list, and row in a boat to Patney on

Suudays, and wisit my "friends at Vitsontide, and keep the key of the till,

and help myself at table to vhat wittles I like ; and

I'll Lave a bit of the brown !

• LONDON:

Printed by Thomas White, Johnson's.Court, Fleet-Streel;

ALFRED MILLER, 137, OXFORD-STREET.

MDCCCXXXI.

- ■$

"«•

1 1

4 G

• C A |

c

• • » C

■ , . - • »

• • • •

• » • •

• * «

. - .

« f

HISTORY
OP THE MOCK ELECTION OF

GARRETT.

Maning and Bray, in their History of Surry, 1826, say,
• that the Hamlet of Garrett is on the road from Wandsworth to
Tooting. About two centuries ago, it appears to have been a
single house, called the Garvett : this house was pulled down
about fifty years ago. Garrett now contains about fifty houses.
This used to be for many years, the scene of the celebrated

*S mock election."

Foote's " Mayor of Garratt " may be deemed a faithful
epitome of the prevailing ludicrous manners observed by the
populace at Wandsworth, during the farcical election. This dra-
matist sketched so much from the life, that it is doubtful whether
every marked character in his comedy had not its living original.*
It is well-known, that he drew Major Sturgeon from old Justice
Lamb, a fishmonger at Acton, and a petty trading justice, whose
daughter was married to Major Fleming, a gentleman also " of the
peace," yet every way a more respectable man than his father-
in-law.

The first edition of Foote's " Mayor of Garratt," was printed
Y- in 1764, and is called " a comedy, in two acts ; as is performed at

^ the theatre royal in Drury Lane." On turning to the " dramatis
personam," it will be found, he performed Major Sturgeon himself,
and, likewise, Matthew Mug, in the same piece : Mrs. Clive play-
ing Mrs. Sneak, to Weston's Jerry Sneak.

* " Old Jack Jones, the sawyer,"' who was Master of the Hone at the last election
says, he remembers " when Foote, the player, came to Wandsworth, to have a full
view of all the goings on." According to his account, the English Aristophanes
" paid nine guineas for the fore room at Surgeon Squire's, facing the church, for
himself and friends to sit in, and see the fun."

— n—

About the year 1796, the " Mayor of Garratt" was performed
at the Richmond Theatre, for the benefit of Follett, the celebrated
clown ; and he was so happy as to secure Sir Solomon Hiram,
who figured at the election at Garrett. Sir Solomon was sup-
ported by ' Old John Jones,' and ' Robert Bates,' another great
officer, on his left, all in their full election uniforms. The house
was crowded to excess. Sir Solomon delivered all his speeches,
and every thing was performed that had been exhibited at Wands-
worth, or on the hustings, by the real characters in the election.
There was so great an audience that they crowded on the stage,
and it was with difficulty that the scenes were shifted.

The truly ridiculous custom of electing a Mayor of Garrett,
originated, says Mr. Massey, of Wandsworth, " in a party of
watermen, belonging to Wandsworth, dining at the Leather Bottle,
a public house at Garrett, and, while spending a merry day, being
the time of a general election, in the midst of their frolic, they
took it into their heads, to choose one of their company a repre-
sentative of that place ; and having gone through the usual cere-
monies of an election, as well as the occasion would permit, he
was declared duly elected." In the Gentleman's Magazine, July
1781, it says, "several persons who lived near that part of
Wandsworth whieh adjoins to Garrett Lane, had formed a kind
of club, not only to eat and drink, but to concert measures for
removing the encroachments made on that part of the common,
and to prevent others being made for the future. As the mem-
bers were most of them persons in low circumstances, they
agreed at every meeting to contribute some small matter, in order
to make up a purse for the defence of their collective rights. —
When a sufficient sum of money was subscribed, they applied to
a very worthy attorney in that neighbourhood, who brought an
action against the encroachers, in the name of the president (or,
as they called him, the Mayor) of the club. They gained their
suit with costs ; the encroachments were destroyed ; and ever

— Vll — ■

after, the president, who lived many years, was called The
Mayor of Garrett. This event happening at the time of a gene-
ral election, the ceremony upon every new parliament, of choosing
out door members for the Borough of Garrett, has been, till lately,
constantly kept up. The following being the oath of qualifica-
tion, administered to the electors: —

" The Oath of Qualification

for the

ANCIENT BOROUGH OF GARRAT,

According as it stands in the Old Record handed down to us

By the Grand Volgee,

By Order of The Great Chin Kaw Chito,

First Emperor of the Moon,

Anno Mundi 75.

"That you have been admitted peaceably and quietly into pos-
session of a Freehold

* * * *

[Here we must omit the part referred to.]

* » * *

" within the said manor of Garrat ; and that you did (2>ona

fide) keep (ad rem) possession (durante bene placilo) without

any let, suit, hindrance, or molestation whatever

* * * *

" Sworn (coram nobis) at our
Great Hall on Garrat Green, covered I
with the plenteous harvest of the V
goddess Ceres, and dedicated to the I
jovial god Comus."

More than this we must not give of the Garrett Oath.

From this beginning, the mock usage gradually increased ; but
little account was taken of it till about 1750; Sir John Harper
was elected 1777 ; and in 1781, he was again returned, the bur-
lesque election being conducted with uncommon pomp and mag-
nificence, in the plebian mode of pageantry. At this election he
had six rivals to contend with ; — among whom was that formidable
opponent, the celebrated Sir Jeffrey Dunstan, who was then unsuc-
cessful. Sir John Harper was by trade a weaver, and qualified,
by power of face and speech, and infinite humour, to sustain the

Vlll —

burlesque character he assumed. His chief pretensions to repre-
sent Garrett were grounded on his reputation, circulated in printed
hand-bills, which described him as a " rectifier of mistakes and
blunders." In the year 1785, Sir John Harper vacated his seat
by death, when Sir Jeffrey Dunstan again became a candidate for
the suffrages of the virtuous and truly independent electors of
Garrett, and issued his celebrated address to the electors. On the
day of election, Sir Jeffrey left London in a splendid phaeton,
his procession extending a mile in length ; and he was trium-
phantly returned by an immense majority : it was his good fortune
to retain his seat for Garrett until the general election 179C,
when he was ousted by Sir Harry Dimsdale, a man as much de-
formed as himself.

Sir Jeffrey Dunstan was a child of chance — a foundling. He
was picked up in the year 1759, at a church-warden's door in
St. Dunstan's in the East, and, not being owned, was reared in
the work -house, so as ultimately to attain about two-thirds the
usual height of manhood, with knock-knees, and a dispropor-
tionately large head. At twelve years old he was bound appren-
tice, for nine years, to the " trade and mystery" of a green grocer :
this period was too long for Jeffrey's soaring ideas of true inde-
pendence, and having adopted the idea that " time was made for
slaves," he broke through servitude, and ran away to Birmingham.
During his stay in this " workshop of Europe," his mind gained
strength, and he returned to London, in 1776, with his knees and
his ideas knocking together much more than before. He soon
afterwards formed a matrimonial alliance, and the fruits of this
happy union were two daughters, ' Miss Nancy' and ' Miss Dinah,'
who testified their filial politeness, by uniformly calling him
' Papa.'

At the persuasion of the Proprietors of the Haymarket, Sir
Jeff, reluctantly consented to perform the part of Doctor Last. The
announcement drew a crowded house ; but, notwithstanding infi-

. J

SIR J EF.FK.liY 1) US ST A N,
Sometime Mayor of (iarrctt.

nitp tutoring, when the curtain drew up, the heart of our hero
failed him, and he blundered on making nothing of his part, until the
hisses of the house at last in kindness dismissed him from the boards.

At an early period of his life, he too frequently sacrificed at the
shrine of '' Sir John Barleycorn," and very seldom saw the inside
of a pot of beer without going to the bottom of it; indeed, his
love for the quart-pot was so great, that after drinking the beer, he
sometimes took the liberty of carrying away the pot, which unfor-
tunate propensity got him into many scrapes, and his body suffered
imprisonment, as well as severe castigation at the cart's tail round
Covent Garden Market. His invincible attachment to " free
trade" was so great, that he had four wigs for his armorial bearings,
with a quart-pot for his crest.

What rendered Sir Jeffrey so very conspicuous in the metro-
polis, was the vending old wigs (which he used to carry in a bag
carelessly thrown over his shoulder) and the singularity of his
cry. He wore his shirt open, and the collar turned down, ex-
posing his breast. In life, his face was dark and dirty, but when
coffined, his skin was remarkably fair and clear. After the toils
oi the day, Sir Jeffrey would retire to the Horse and Leaping
Bar, Bethnal-green, where, in a " regular'" manner, he got " re-
gularly" drunk. Here he amused the company by singing the
" London Cries," reciting his mock speeches on the corruptions
of parliaments, and, placed in an arm chair on the table, nightly
afforded sport to a merry company.

In 1790, this celebrated Member for Garrett exhibited a melan.
choly instance of a great man whose popularity is worn out. He
still carried his sack, but it seemed a part of his identity, rather
than an implement of his profession — a badge of past grandeur.
His cry of " old wigs" had lost all its charms of eccentricity: his
quips were silent too, and his brain was as empty as his sack ; he
slank, and seemed to decline popular observation. If a few boys

— X —

followed him, it seemed rather from habit, than any expectation

of fun —

Alas! how changed from him,
The life of humour, aud the soul of whim,
Gallant and gay, on Garrett's hustings proud.

But it is thus the world rewards its favorites in decay !

We come now to the close of the life of this never-to-be-for-
gotten Mayor of Garrett. Having called at the Red Lion, (op-
posite the London Hospital) he was so abundantly supplied with
" Hodges's best," that he soon became insensible, and being
placed in a wheel-barrow, was carried to the door of his house,
situate on the north side of the " Ducking-pond," and there left
to perish, for he was found a corpse the next morning. Thus
dying, like Alexander the Great and many heroes renowned in
historic page — of suffocation from excessive drinking !

It was strongly suspected that Sir Jeffrey's death was pur-
posely caused by giving him drugged liquor ; and the surgeons of
the day were eager to obtain a prize, but their hopes were dis-
appointed by the late John Liptrap, Esq., who had the body
removed to a place of safety. This gentleman paid all the ex-
penses of Sir Jeffrey's funeral : a grave, ten feet deep, was dug
close to the north wall of the watch-house of St. Mary, White-
chapel. His lady lies at his feet ; and Miss Dinah" sleeps the
sleep of death" at his side.

Sir Jeffrey was succeeded by Sir Harry Dimsdale, a ' cosmo-
polite and muffin-dealer,' the last remarkable Member for Garrett.
This odd production of injured nature was well known about
the streets of London. He was born in Shug-lane, Haymarket,
in 1758. Of his early pursuits little is known ; but we find him
in 1788, receiving parochial relief from St. Martin's parish : his
trade, at that period, was vending " bobbins, thread, and stay-
laces, for the ladies ;" he next commenced dealer in muffins. His
harmless behaviour gained him many customers; and life rolled

— XI —

on gaily and smoothly till " ambition fired his soul," when he
aspired to the honour of representing the Borough of Garrett ; to
which honourable station he was elected, and he continued to fill
the important office during four parliaments, though not without
experiencing violent opposition from Squire Jobson the bill-
sticker, Lord Goring the ministerial barber, and other eminent
characters. His last procession exceeded any thing of the kind
ever seen in London. He was placed, or rather tied, on an
eminence in a carriage somewhat resembling a triumphal car,
drawn by four horses, which were profusely decorated with dyed
wood shavings — a substitute for ribands. The dress of Sir
Harry displayed much of the " unreal mockery" of finery,
being disposed in a manner which could but excite laughter ;
and one vast wave of the populace rolled impetuous from London
after the favorite candidate and officers of the election, to be par-
ticipators in the burlesque election for the Borough of Garrett.

And now, all was sunshine with Sir Harry ; and to make his
happiness complete, he married a lady, then an inmate of St.
Ann's workhouse, who in a few weeks afterwards presented him
with a son and heir, of whom he was proud. In a short time the
popularity of this last representative of Garrett ceased; the no-
velty of his person lost most of its attractions ; he became ne-
glected ; illness seized him ; and he died March, ]810, in St.
Martin's watch-house.

No candidate starting of sufficient originality of character, the

Borough of Garrett has since remained vacant ; and the populace

have been without a professed political buffoon.

Long as we live there'll be no more
Such scenes as these, in days of yore,
When little folks deem'd great ones less,
And aped their manners and address ;
"When, further still to counterfeit,
To mountebanks they gave a seat,
By virtue of a mobbing summons,
As Members of the House of Commons.'

G. S.

DRAMATIS PERSONS.

Major Sturgeon.
Sir Jacob Jolluf.
Bruin.
Lint.

ROGEK.

Mob.

Snuffle.

Crispin Heel-Tap.

Jerry Sneak.

Mrs. Buuin.
Mrs. Sneak.

THE

MAYOR OF GARRATT.

ACT I— SCENE I.

Scene — Sir Jacob Jol/up's House at Can alt.

Enter Sir Jacob Jollip.

Sir J. Roger !

Enter Roger.

Roger. Anan, sir!

Sir J. Sir, sirrah! and why not sir Jacob, you rascal?
Is that all your manners? Has his majesty dubbed me a
knight for you to make me a mister? Are the candidates
near upon coming?

Roger. Nic Goose, the tailor, from Putney, they say,
will be here in a crack, sir Jacob.

Sir J. Has Margery fetch' d in the linen ?

Roger. Yes, sir Jacob.

Sir J. Are the pigs and poultry locked up in the barn ?

Roger. Safe, sir Jacob.

Sir J- And the plate and spoons in the pantry?

Roger. Yes, sir Jacob.

Sir J. Then give me the key; the mob will soon he
upon us; and all is fish that comes to their net. Has
Ralph laid the cloth in the hall'!

Roger. Yes, sir Jacob.

Sir J. Then let him bring out the turkey and chine, and

c

11 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

be sure there is plenty of mustard; and, d'ye hear, Roger,
do you stand yourself at the gate, and be careful who
you let in.

Roger. I will, sir Jacob. [Exit Roger.

Sir J. So, now I believe things are pretty secure. — But
I can't think what makes my daughters so late ere they —
— [a knocking at the gate-] Who is that, Roger 1

Roger, [without.] Master Lint, the potter-carrier, sir
Jacob.

Sir J. Let him in. What the deuce can he want.

Enter Lint.

Sir J. Well, master Lint, your will?

Lint. Why, I come, sir Jacob, partly to enquire after
your health ; and partly, as 1 may say, to settle the busi-
ness of the day.

Sir J. What business ?

Lint. Your worship knoweth, this being the day of
election, the rabble may be riotous; in which case, maims,
bruises, contusions, dislocations, fractures simple and
compound, may likely ensue : now your worship need
not be told, that I am not only a pharmacopolist, or
vender of drugs, but likewise chirurgeon, or healer of
wounds.

Sir J. True, master Lint, and equally skilful in both.

Lint. It is your worship's pleasure to say so, sir Jacob :
Is it your worship's will that I lend a ministring hand to
the maimed ?

Sir J. Doubtless, the vestry.

Lint. Y^our worship knows, that, kill or cure, I have
contracted to physic the parish poor by the great : but
this must be a separate charge.

Sir J. No, no ; all under one: come, master Lint,
don't be unreasonable.

Lint. Indeed, sir Jacob, 1 can hardly afford it. What

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 15

with the dearness of drugs, and the number of patients
the peace has procured me, I can't get salt to my porridge.

Sir J. Bad this year, the better the next — We must
take things rough and smooth as they run.

Lint. Indeed 1 have a very hard bargain.

Sir J. No such matter ; we are, neighbour Lint, a little
better instructed. Formerly, indeed, a fit of illness was
very expensive ; but now, physic is cheaper than food.

Lint. Marry, heaven forbid !

Sir J. No, no ; your essences, elixirs, emetics, sweats,
drops, and your pastes, and your pills, have silenced your
pestles and mortars. Why a fever, that would formerly
have cost you a fortune, you may now cure for twelve
penn'orth of powder.

Lint. Or kill, sir Jacob.

Sir J. And then as to your scurvies, and gouts, rheu-
matisms, consumptions, coughs, and catarrhs, tar-water
and turpentine will make you as sound as a roach.

Lint. Nostrums !

Sir J. Specifics, specifics, master Lint.

Lint. I am very sorry to find a man of your worship's

Sir Jacob, a promoter of puffs ; an encourager

of quacks, sir Jacob 1

Sir J. Regulars, Lint, regulars ; look at their names —
Roger, bring me the news — not a soul of them but is
either P. L. or M. D.

Lint. Plaguy liars ! Murderous dogs !
Roger brings the News.

Sir J. Liars! Here, look at the list of their cures. The
oath of Margery Squab, of Ratcliff-Highway, spinster.

Lint. Perjuries !

Sir J. And see here, the churchwardens have signed it.

Lint. Fictitious, sir Jacob.

Sir J. Sworn before the worshipful Mr. Justice Drowsy,
this thirteenth day of

Lint. Forgery.

16 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Sib J. Why, harkye, sirrah, do you think Mr. Justice

Drowsy would set his hand to a forgery ?

Lint. I know, sir Jacob, that woman ; she has been
cured of fifty diseases in a fortnight, and every one of 'em
mortal.

Sir. J. You impudent

List. Of a dropsy, by West

Sin. J- Audacious

Lint. A cancer, by Cleland

Sir J. Arrogant

Lint. A palsy, by Walker

Sm J. Impertinent

Lint. Gout and sciatic, by Rock

Sib J. Insolent

Ltnt. Consumption, by Stevens's drops

Sir J. Paltry

Lint. And squinting, by the Chevalier Taylor —

Sir J. Pill-gilding puppy !

Lint. And as to the justice, so the affidavit brings him
a shilling

Sir J. Why, harkye, rascal, how dare you abuse the
commission? You blood-letting, tooth-drawing, corn-
cutting, worm-killing, blistering, glistering

Lint. Bless me, sir .Jacob, 1 did not think to

Sir J. What, sirrah, do you insult me in my office ?
Here, Roger, out with him — turn him out.

Lint. Sir, as I hope to he — —

Sir J. Away with him. You scoundrel, if my clerk
was within, Id send you this instant to Bridewell.
Things are come to a pretty pass, indeed, if after all my
reading in Wood, and Nelson, and Burn : if after twenty
years attendance at turnpike-meetings, sessions petty and
quarter; if after settling of rates, licencing ale-houses,
and committing of vagrants— But all respect to authority
is lost, and L'nus Quorum now-a-days is no more re-

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 17

garded than a petty constable. [Knocking.] Roger, see
who is at the gate ? Why the fellow is deaf.

Roger. Justice Sturgeon, the fishmonger, from Brent-
ford.

Sir J. Gad's my life ! and major to the Middlesex
militia. Usher him in, Roger.

Enter Major Sturgeon.
I could have wish'd you had come a little sooner, major
Sturgeon.

Maj. S. Why, what has been the matter, sir Jacob?

Sir J. There has, major, been here an impudent pill-
monger, who has dared to scandalize the whole body ot
the bench.

Maj. S. Insolent companion ! had I been here, I would
have mittimused the rascal at once.

Sir J. No, no, he wanted the major more than the ma-
gistrate : a few smart strokes from your cane would have

fully answered the purpose. -Well, major, our wars

are done; the rattling drum and squeaking fife now
wound our ears no more.

Maj. S. True, sir Jacob, our corps is disembodied ; so
the French may sleep in security.

Sir J. But, major, was it not rather late in life for you
to enter upon the profession of arms?

Maj. S. A little awkward in the beginning, sir Jacob :
the great difficulty they had was, to get me to turn out
my toes ; but use, use reconciles all them kind of things :
why, after my first campaign, I no more minded the noise
of the guns than a flea-bite.

Sir J. No!

Maj. S. No. There is more made of these matters than
they merit. For the general good, indeed, I am glad of
the peace ; but as to my single self— and yet, we have had
some desperate duty, sir Jacob.

Sir J. No doubt.

Maj. S. Oh! such marchings and counter-marchings,

c2

18 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

from Brentford to Ealing, from Ealing to Acton, from
Acton to Uxbridge ; the dust flying, sun scorching, men
sweating! — Why, there was our last expedition to Houn-
slow ; that day's work carried off major Molossas. —
Bunhill-fields never saw a braver commander ! He was
an irreparable loss to the service.
Sir J. How came that about ?

Maj. S. Why, it was partly the major's own fault : I
advised him to pull off his spurs before he went upon
action ; but he was resolute, and would not be ruled.

Sir J. Spirit — zeal for the service.

Maj. S. Doubtless. But to proceed : In order to get
our men in good spirits, we were quartered .at Thistle-
worth the evening before. At day-break our regiment
formed at Hounslow town's end, as it might be about
here. The major made a fine disposition : on we marched
the men all in high spirits, to attack the gibbet where,
Gardel is hanging ; but, turning down a narrow lane to
the left, as it might be about there, in order to possess a
nig's-stye, that we might take the gallows in flank, and at
all events secure a retreat, who should come by but a
drove of fat oxen for Smithfield. The drums beat in the
front, the dogs barked in the rear, the oxen set up a gal-
lop ; on they came thundering upon us, broke through
our ranks in an instant, and threw the whole corps in
confusion.

Sir J. Terrible!

Maj. S. The major's horse took to his heels; away he
scoured over the heath. That gallant commander stuck
both his spurs into the flank, and for some time held by
his mane ; but, in crossing a ditch, the horse threw up
his head, gave the major a dowse in the chops, and
plumped him into a gravel-pit, just by the powder-
mills.

Sir J. Dreadful.

Maj. S. Whether from the fall or the fright, the major

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 19

moved off in a month. Indeed, it was an unfortunate
day for us all.

Sir J. As how?

Maj. S. Why, as captain Cucumber, lieutenant Patty-
pan, ensign Tripe, and myself, were returning to town
in the Turnham-green stage, we were stopped near the
Hammersmith turnpike, and robbed and stripped hy a
footpad.

Sir J. An unfortunate day, indeed !
Maj. S. But, in some measure to make me amends, I got
the major's commission.

Sir J. You did ?

Maj. S. O yes. I was the only one of the corps that
could ride ; otherwise we always succeeded of course ;
no jumping over heads, no underhand work among us ;
all men of honour ; and I must do the regiment the jus-
tice to say, there never was a set of more amiable officers.

Sir J. Quiet and peaceable.

Maj. S. As lambs, sir Jacob. Excepting one boxing
bout, at the Three Compasses in Acton, between captain
Sheers and the Colonel, concerning a game at All-fours,
I don't remember a single dispute.

Sir J. Why, that was mere mutiny ; the captain ought
to have been broke.

Maj. S. He was ; for the Colonel not only took away
his cockade, but his custom ; and I don't think poor
captain Sheers has done a stitch for him since.

Sir J- But you soon supplied the loss of Molossas ?

Maj. S. In part only : no, sir Jacob, he had great ex-
perience ; he was trained up to arms from his youth ; at
sixteen, he trailed a pike in the Artillery-ground ; at
eighteen, got a company in the Smithfield pioneers ; and
by the time he was twenty, was made aid-de-camp to sir
Jeffrey Grub, knight, alderman, and colonel of the
yellow.

Sir J. A rapid rise !

20 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Maj. S. Yes, he had a genius for war ; hut what I
wanted in practice, I made up by douhling my diligence.
Our porter at home had been a serjeant of marines ; so,
after shop was shut up at night, he used to teach me my
exercise ; and he had not to deal with a dunce, sir Jacob.

Sir J. Your progress was great.

Maj. S. Amazing. In a week I could shoulder, and
rest, and poize, and turn to the right, and wheel to the
left ; and in less than a month I could fire without wink-
ing or blinking.

Sir J. A perfect Hannibal !

Maj. S. Ah, and then I learnt to form lines, and hol-
lows, and squares, and evolutions, and revolutions. Let
me tell you, sir Jacob, it was lucky that monsieur kept
his myrmidons at home, or we should have peppered his
flat-bottomed boats.

Sir J. Ay, marry, he had a marvellous escape.

Maj. S. We would a taught him what a Briton can do,
who is fighting pro arvis and focus.

Sir J- Pray now, major, which do you look upon as
the best disciplined troops — the London regiments, or the
Middlesex militia?

Maj. S. Why, sir Jacob, it does not become me to say :
but, lack-a-day, they have never seen any service —
Holiday soldiers ! Why, I don't believe, unless indeed
upon a lord-mayor's-day, and that mere matter of acci-
dent, that they were ever wet to the skin in their lives.

Sir J. Indeed!

Maj. S. No ! soldiers for sunshine, cockneys ; they
have not the appearance, the air, the freedom, the jenny
sequi that — Oh, could you but see me salute ! You have
never a spontoon in the house ?

Sir J. No ! but we could get you a shove-pike.

Maj. S. No matter. Well, sir Jacob, and how are your
fair daughters, sweet Mrs. Sneak, and the lovely Mrs-
Bruin ; is she as lively and as brilliant as ever ?

THE MA YOU OF GARRATT. 21

Siu J. Oh, oh, now the murder is out; this visit was
intended for them : come, own now, major, did not you
expect to meet with them here ? You officers are men of
such gallantry.

Maj. S. Why, we do tickle up the ladies, sir Jacob;
there is no resisting a red coat.

Sir J. True, true, major.

M.\j. S. But that is now all over with me. " Farewell
to the plumed steeds and neighing troops," as the black
man says in the play ; like the Roman censurer, I shall
retire to my Savine field, and there cultivate cabbages.

Sir J. Under the shade of your laurels.

Maj. S. True. I have done with the major, and now
return to the magistrate ; — Cedunt arma togge.

Sir J. Still in the service of your country.

Maj. S. True; man was not made for himself; and so,
thinking that this would prove a busy day in the justicing
way, 1 am come, sir Jacob, to lend you a hand.

Sir J. Done like a neighbour.

Maj. S. I have brought, as I suppose most of our
business will be in the battery way, some warrants and
mittimuses ready filled up, with all but the names of the
parties, in order to save time.

Sir J. A provident magistrate.

Maj. S. Pray, how shall we manage as to the article
of swearing ; for I reckon we shall have oaths as plenty
as hops.

Sir J. Why, with regard to that branch of our busi-
ness, to-day, 1 believe, the law must be suffered to sleep.

Maj. S. I should think we might pick up something
that's pretty that way.

Sir J. No, poor rascals, they would not be able to pay ;
and as to the stocks, we should never find room for their
legs.

Maj. S. Pray, sir Jacob, is Matthew Marrowbone, the
butcher of your town, living or dead ?

22 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Sm J. Living.

Maj. S. And swears as much as he used ?

Sir J. An altered man, major ; not an oath comes out
of his mouth.

Maj. S. You surprise me ; why, when he frequented
our town of a market-day, he has taken out a guinea in
oaths— and quite changed ?

Sir J. Entirely ; they say his wife has made him a me-
thodist, and that he preaches at Kennington Common.

Maj. S. AVhat a deal of mischief those rascals do in the
country — Why then we have entirely lost him ?

Sir J. In that way ; but I got a brace of bind-overs
from him last week for a couple of bastards.

Maj. S. Well done, master Matthew — but pray now,

sir Jacob

[Mob, without, Huzza !

Re-enter Roger.

Sir J. What's the matter now, Roger 1

Roger. The electors desire to know if your worship
has any body to recommend ?

Sir J. By no means, let them be free in their choice ; I
shan't interfere.

Roger. And if your worship has any objection to
Crispin Heel-tap the cobler's being returning officer?

Sir J. None, provided the rascal can keep himself
sober. Is he there ?

Roger. Yes, sir Jacob. Make way there ; stand fur-
ther off from the gate : here is madam Sneak in a chair,
along with her husband.

Maj. S. 'Gad-so, you will permit me to convoy her in ?

{Exit Maj.

Sir J. Now here is one of the evils of war. This Stur-
geon was as pains-taking a Billingsgate-broker as any in
the bills of mortality. But the fish is got out of his ele-
ment ; the soldier has quite demolished the citizen.

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 23

Enter Mrs. Sneak, handed by the Major.

Mrs. S. Dear major, I demand a million of pardons.
I have given you a profusion of trouble; but my husband
is such a goose-cap, that I can't get no good out of him
at home or abroad. Jerry, Jerry Sneak! — Your bless-
ing, sir Jacob.

Sir J. Daughter, you are welcome to Garratt.

Mrs. S. Why, Jerry Sneak ! I say.

Enter Jerry Sneak, with a band-box, a hoop-petticoat
under his arm, and cardinal, Sfc. $c. Sfc. eye.

Sneak. Here, lovy.

Mrs. S. Here, looby. There lay these things in the
belli ; and then go and look after the horse- Are you sure
you have got all the things out of the chaise ?

Sneak. Yes, chuck.

Mrs. S. Then give me my fan.

[Jerri/ drops the things in searching hispocket for the fan.

Mrs. S. Did ever mortal see such a— I declare, I am
quite ashamed to be seen with him abroad : go, get you
gone out of my sight.

Sneak. I go, lovy. Good day to my father-in-law.

Sir J. I am glad to see you, son Sneak : but where is
your brother Bruin and his wife ?

Sneak. He will be here anon, father sir Jacob ; he did
but just step into the Alley, to gather how tickets were sold.

Sir J. Very well, son Sneak. [Exit Sneak.

Mrs. S. Son! yes, and a pretty son you have provided.

Sir J. I hope all for the best : why, what terrible work
there would have been, had you married such a one as
your sister ; one house could never have contained you
— Now, I thought this meek mate

Mrs. S. Meek! a mushroom ! a milksop!

Sib J. Look ye, Molly, I have married you to a man ;
take care you don't make him a monster. [Exit Sir J.

24 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Mrs. S. Monster? Why, major, the fellow has no
more heart than a mouse. Had my kind stars indeed
allotted me a military man, I should, doubtless, have de-
ported myself in a beseemingly manner.

Maj. S. Unquestionably, madam.

Mrs. S. Nor would the major have found, had it been
my fortune to intermarry with him, that Molly Jollup
would have dishonoured his cloth.

Maj. S. I should have been too happy.

Mrs. S. Indeed, sir, I reverence the army ; they are all
so brave, so polite, so every thing a woman can wish.

Maj. S. Oh! madam

Mrs. S. So elegant, so genteel, so obliging : and then
the rank ; why, who would dare to affront the wife of a
major ?

Maj. S. No man with impunity ; that I take the freedom
to say, madam.

Mrs- S. I know it, good sir. Oh ! I am no stranger to
what I have missed.

Maj. S. Oh, madam !— Let me die, but she has infinite
merit. [aside.

Mrs. S. Then to be joined to a sneaking slovenly cit ;
a paltry, prying, pitiful pin-maker.

Maj. S. Melancholy !

Mrs. S. To be jostled and crammed with the crowd ;
no respect, no place, no precedence ; to be choked with
the smoke of the city ; no country jaunts but to Islington ;
no balls but at Pewterers'-hall.

Maj. S. Intolerable !

Mrs. S. I see, sir, you have a proper sense of my suf-
ferings.

Maj. S. And would shed my best blood to relieve them.

Mrs. S. Gallant gentleman!

Maj. S. The brave must favour the fair.

Mrs. S. Intrepid major !

Maj. S. Divine Mrs. Sneak !

w : *

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 25

Mrs. S. Obliging commander !

Maj. S. Might I be permitted the honour

Mrs. S. Sir !—

Maj.S. Just to ravish a kiss from your hand?

Mrs. S. You have a right to all we can grant.

Maj. S. Courteous, condescending, complying

Hum Ha !

Re-enter Jerry Sneak.

Sneak. Chuck, my brother and sister Bruin are just
turning the corner ; the Clapham stage was quite full,
and so they came by vater-

Mrs. S. I wish they had all been soused in the Thames.
A prying, impertinent puppy !

Maj. S. Next time I will clap a sentinel to secure the
door.

Mrs. S. Major Sturgeon, permit me to withdraw for
a moment : my dress demands a little repair.

Maj. S. Your ladyship's most entirely devoted.

Mrs. S. Ladyship 1 He is the very Broglio and Belle-
isle of the army !

Sneak. Shall I wait upon you, dove ?

Mrs. S. No, dolt ; what, would you leave the major
alone ? Is that your manners, you mongrel?

Maj. S. Oh, madam, I can never be alone ; your sweet
idera will be my constant companion.

Mrs. S. Mark that. I am sorry, sir, I am obligated to
leave you.

Maj. S. Madam

Mrs. S. Especially with such a wretched companion.

Maj. S. Oh, madam

Mrs. S. But as soon as my dress is restored, I shall fly
■,o relieve your distress.

Maj. S. For that moment I shall wait with the greatest
mpatience.

Mrs. S. Courteous commander!

Maj. S. Barragon of women !

D

26 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Mrs. S. Adieu !

Maj. S. Adieu ! [Exit Mrs. Sneak.

Sneak. Notwithstanding, sir, all my chicken has said,
I am special company when she is not by.
Maj. S. I doubt not, master Sneak,
Sneak. If you would but come one Thursday night to
our club, at the Na^VHead, in the Poultry, you would
meet some roaring, rare boys, i'faith. There's Jemmy
Perkins, the packer ; little Tom Simkins, the grocer ;

honest master Muzzle, the midwife

Maj. S. A goodly company !
Sneak. Ay, and then sometimes we have the choice
spirits from Comus's Court, and we crack jokes, and are
so jolly and funny. I have learnt myself to sing " An
old woman clothed in grey." But I durst not sing out
loud, because my wife would overhear me ; and she says
as how I bawl worser than the broom-man.

Maj. S. And you must not think of disobliging your
lady.

Sneak. I never does. I never contradicts her, not I.
Maj. S. That's right ; she is a woman of infinite merit.
Sneak. O, a power ; and don't you think she is very
pretty withal ?
Maj. S. A Venus!

Sneak. Yes, werry like Wenus— mayhap you have
known her some time 1
Maj. S. Long.

Sneak. Belike, before she was married ?
Maj. S. I did, master Sneak.

Sneak. Ay, when she was a wirgin. I thought you
was an old acquaintance, by your kissing her hand ; for
we ben't quite so familiar as that— but then, indeed, we
han't been married a year.
Maj. S. The mere honey-moon.

Sneak. Ay, ay, I suppose we shall come to it by
degrees.

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 27

Bruin, [without.] Come along, Jane ; why you are as
pursy and lazy, you jade

Enter Bruin and Wife ; Bruin with a cotton cap on ; his
wife with his wig, great-coat, and fishing-rod.

Bruin. Come, Jane, give me my wig, ; |you slut how
you have tousled the curls ! Master Sneak, a good morn-
ing to you. Sir, I am your humble servant, unknown.

Enter Roger.

Roger. Mrs. Sneak begs to speak with the major.
Maj. S. 1 will wait on the lady immediately.
Sneak. Don't tarry an instant ; you can't think how
impatient she is. [Exit Major.] A good morrow to you,
brother Bruin ; you have had a warm walk across the
fields.

Mrs. B. Good lord, I am all in a muck

Bruin. And who may you thank for it, hussy ? If you
had got up time enough, you might have secured the
stage ; but you are a lazy lie-a-bed.
Mrs. B. There's Mr. Sneak keeps my sister a chay.
Bruin. And so he may ; but I know better what to do
with my money : indeed if the war had but continued
awhile, I don't know what mought ha' been done ; but
this plaguy peace, with a pox to't, has knocked up all the
trade of the Alley.

Mrs. B. For the matter of that, we can afford it well
enough as it is.

Bruin. And how do you know that ? Who told you
as much, Mrs. Mixen ? I hbpe I know the world better
than to trust my concerns with a wife : no, no, thank
you for that, Mrs. Jane.

Mrs. B. And pray who is more fitterer to be trusted 1
' Bruin. Hey-day ! Why, the wench is bewitched. Come,
come, let's have none of your palaver here— Take twelve-
pence and pay the waterman. But first see if he has

28 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

broke none of the pipes— and, d'ye hear, Jane, be sure to
lay the fishing-rod safe. [Exit Mrs. Bruin.

Sneak. Ods me, how finely she's managed! what
would I give to have my wife as much under !

Bruin. It is all your own fault, brother Sneak.

Sneak. D'ye think so ?— She is a sweet pretty creature.

Bruin. A vixen.

Sneak. Why, to say the truth, she does now and then
hector a little ; and, between ourselves, domineers like the
devil : O Lord, I lead the life of a dog : why, she allows
me but two shillings a week for my pocket.

Bruin. No !

Sneak. No, man ; 'tis she that receives and pays all :
and then I am forced to trot after her to church, with her
cardinal, pattens, and prayer-book, for all the world as
if I was still a 'prentice.

Bruin. Zounds ! I would souse them all in the kennel.

Sneak. 1 durst not. — And then at table, I never gets
what I loves.

Bruin. The devil !

Sneak. No ; she always helps me herself to the tough
drumsticks of turkies, and the damned fat flaps of
shoulders of mutton ; I don't think I have eat a bit of
under-crust since we have been married : you see, bro-
ther Bruin, I am almost as thin as a lath.

Bruin. An absolute skeleton!

Sneak. Now, if you think I could carry my point, I
would so swinge and leather my lambkin ; God, I would
so curry and claw her.

Bruin. By the lord Harry, she richly deserves it.

Sneak. Will you, brother, lend me a lift ?

Bruin. Command me at all times.

Sneak. Why then, I will verily pluck up a spirit; and
the first time she offers to —

Mrs. S. [without.] Jerry, Jerry Sneak !

Sneak. Gad's my life, sure as a gun that's her voice:

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 20

look-ye, brother, I don't chuse to breed a disturbance in
another body's house ; but as soon as ever I get home—

Bruin. Now is your time.

Sneak. No, no ; it would not be decent.

Mrs. S. [without.'] Jerry ! Jerry !

Sneak. I come, lovy. But you will be sure to stand
by me?

Bruin- Trot, nincompoop.

Sneak. Well, if I don't, I wish

Mrs.S. [without.] Where is this lazy puppy a-loitering?

Sneak. I come, chuck, as fast as I can —Good Lord,
what a sad life do I lead ! [Exit Sneak.

Bruin. Ex quovis linguo: who can make a silk purse of
a sow's ear?

Enter Sir Jacob.

Sir J. Come, son Bruin, we are all seated at table,
man ; we have but just time for a snack : the candidates
are near upon coming.

Bruin. A poor, paltry, mean-spirited— Damn it, before
I would submit to such a

Sir J. Come, come, man ; don't be so crusty.

Bruin. I follow, sir Jacob. — Damme, when once a man
gives up his prerogative, he might as well give up— but,
however, it is no bread and butter of mine.— Jerry, Jerry !
Zounds, I would Jerry and jerk her too. [Exit.

END OF THE FIRST ACT.

30 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

ACT THE SECOND.

Scene continues.

Sir Jacob, Major Sturgeon, Mr. and Mrs. Bruin,
Mr. and Mrs. Sneak, discovered.

Mrs. S. Indeed, major, not a grain of curiosity. Can
it be thought that we, who have a lord-mayor's show
every year, can take any pleasure in this 1

Ma j. S. In time of war, madam, these meetings are not
amiss ; J fancy a man might pick up a good many recruits :
but in these piping times of peace, I wonder sir Jacob
permits it.

Sir J. It would, major, cost me my popularity to quash
it. The common people are as fond of their customs as
the barons were of their Magna Charta. Besides, my
tenants make some little advantage.

Enter Roger.

Roger. Crispin Heel-tap, with the electors, are set out
from the Adam and Eve.

Sir J. Gad-so, then they will soon be upon us. Come,
good folks, the balcony will give us the best view of the
whole. Major, you will take the ladies under protec-
tion.

Maj. S. Sir Jacob, I am upon guard.

Sir J. I can tell you, this Heel-tap is an arch rascal. —

Sneak. And plays the best game at cribbage in the
whole corporation of Garratt.

Mrs. S. That puppy will always be a-chattering.

Sneak. Nay, I did but

Mrs. S. Hold your tongue, or I'll send you home in an
instant

Sir J. Prythee, daughter !— You may to-day, major,

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 3t

meet with something that will put you in mind of more
important transactions.
Maj. S. Perhaps so.

Sir J. Lack-a-day, all men are alike ; their principles
exactly the same ; for though art and education may
disguise or polish the manners, the same motives and
springs are universally planted-
Maj. S. Indeed !

Sir J. Why, in this mob, this group of plebeians, you
will meet with materials to make a Sylla, a Cicero, a
Solon, or-a Caesar: let them but change conditions,
and the world's great lord had been but the best wrestler
on the green.

Maj. S. Ay, ay, I could have told these things for-
merly ; but since I have been in the army, I have entirely
neglected the classes.

[Mob, without, Huzza !
Sir J. But the heroes are at hand, major.
Sneak. Father sir Jacob, might not we have a tankard
of stingo above ?
Sir J. By all means.
Sneak. D'ye hear, Roger.

[Exeunt into the balcony.
SCENE, a Street.

Enter- Mob with Heel-tap at their head; some cryiny a
Goose ; others a Mug ; others a Primmer.

Heel. Silence, there ; silence !

1st Mob. Hear neighbour Heel-tap.

2d Mob. Ay, ay, hear Crispin.

3d Mob. Ay, ay, hear him, hear Crispin : He will put
us into the model of the thing at once.

Heel. Why then, silence ! I say.

All. Silence'.

Heel. Silence, and let us proceed, neighbours, with all
the decency and confusion usual upon these occasions.

32 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

1st Mob. Ay, ay, there is no doing without that.

All. No, no, no.

Heel. Silence then, and keep the peace: what, is there no
respect paid to authority? am not I the returning officer ?

All. Ay, ay, ay.

Heel. Chosen by yourselves, and approved of by sir
Jacob ?

All. True, true.

Heel. Well then, be silent and civil ; stand back there,
that gentleman without a shirt, and make room for your
betters : where*s Simon Snuffle the sexton?

Snuffle. Here.

Heel. Let him come forward ; we appoint him our
secretary ; for Simon is a scollard, and can read written
hand ; and so let him be respected accordingly.

3d Mob. Room for master Snuffle.

Heel. Here, stand by me : and let us, neighbours,
proceed to open the premunire of the thing : but first,
your reverence to the lord of the manor : a long life and
a merry one to our landlord sir Jacob ! huzza!

Mob. Huzza !

Sneak. How fares it, honest Crispin ?

Heel. Servant, master Sneak. Let us now open the
premunire of the thing, which I shall do briefly, with all
the loquacity possible ; that is, in a medium way ;
which, that we may the better do it, let the secretary
read the names of the candidates, and what they say for
themselves ; and then we shall know what to say of them.
Master Snuffle, begin.

Snuffle. (Reads) " To the worthy inhabitants of the
ancient corporation of Garratt : Gentlemen, your votes
and interest are humbly requested in favour of Timothy
Goose, to succeed your late worthy mayor, Mr. Richard
Dripping, in the said office, he being"

Heel. This Goose is but a kind of gosling, a sort of
sneaking scoundrel : who is he ?

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 33

Snuffle. A journeyman tailor, from Putney.

Heel. A journeyman tailor ! A rascal, has he the
impudence to transpire to he mayor? D'ye consider,
neighbours, the weight of this office ? Why, it is a bur-
then for the back of a porter ; and can you think that
this cross-legged cabbage-eating son of a cucumber, this
whey-faced ninny, who is but the ninth part of a man,
has strength to support it ?

1st Mob. No Goose ! no Goose !

2d Mob. A Goose !

Heel. Hold your hissing, and proceed to the next.

Snuffle. {Reads) " Your votes are desired for Mat-
thew Mug."

1st Mob. A Mug ! A Mug !

Heel. Oh, oh, what you are all ready to have a touch
of the tankard : but, fair and soft, good neighbours, let
us taste this master Mug, before we swallow him ; and
unless I am mistaken, you will find him a damn'd- bitter
draught.

1st Mob. A Mug ! a Mug !

2d Mob. Hear him ; hear master Heel-tap.

Heel. Harkye, you fellow, with your mouth full of
Mug, let me ask you a question ; bring him forward ;
pray, is not this Matthew Mug a victualler ?

3d Mob. I believe he may.

Heel. And lives at the sign of the Adam and Eve.

3d Mob. I believe he may.

Heel. Now answer me upon your honour, and as you
ire a gentleman, what is the present price of a quart of
lome-brewed at the Adam and Eve ?

3d Mob. I don't know.

Heel. You lie, sirrah ; an't it a groat ?

3d Mob. 1 believe it may.

Heel, Oh, maybe so: now, neighbours, here's a pretty
ascal ; this same Mug, because, d'ye see, state-affairs
pould not jog glibly without laying a farthing a quart

34 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

upon ale ; tills scoundrel, not content, to take things in a
medium way, has had the impudence to raise it a penny.

Mob. No Mug ! no Mug !

Heel. So, I thought I should crack Mr. Mug. Come,
proceed to the next, Simon.

Snuffle. The next upon the list is Peter Primmer, the
schoolmaster.

Heel. Ay, neighbours, and a sufficient man ; let me
tell you, master Primmer is the man for my money : a
man of learning ; that can lay down the law ; why,
adzooks, he is wise enough to puzzle the parson : and
then, how you have heard him oration at the Adam and
Eve of a Saturday night, ahout Russia and Prussia ;
ecod, George Gage, the exciseman, is nothing at all to un.

4th Mob. A Primmer!

Heel. Ay, if the folks above did hut know him— why,
lads, he will make us all statesmen in time.

2d Mob. Indeed !

Heel. Why, he swears as how all the miscarriages are
owing to the great people's not learning to read.

3d Mob. Indeed !

Heel. For, says Peter, says he, if they would but once
submit to be learned by me, there's no knowing to what
a pitch the nation might rise.

1st Mob. Ay, I wish they would.

Sneak. Crispin, what is Peter Primmer a candidate ?

Heel. He is, master Sneak.

Sneak. Lord, I know him, mun, as well as my mother
why, I used to go to his lectures to Pewterers-hall, 'long
with deputy Firkin.

Heel. Like enough.

Sneak. Odds-me, brother Bruin, can you tell what'
become of my vife ?

Bruin. She's gone off with the major.

Sneak. Mayhap to take a walk in the garden ; I wil
go and take a peep at what they're doing. [Exit Sneak

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 35

Mob, without, Huzza !

Heel. Gad-so, the candidates are coming. Come, neigh-
bours, range yourselves to the right and left, that you
may be canvassed in order. Let us see who comes first.
1st Mob. Master Mug.

Heel. Now, neighbours, have a good caution that this
master Mug does not cajole you ; he's a damn'd palaver-
ing fellow.

Enter Matthew Mug.
• Mug. Gentlemen, 1 am the lowest of your slaves. Mr.
Heel-tap, have the honour of kissing your hand.

Heel. There, did not I tell you ?

Mug. Ah, ray very good friend, I hope your father is
welU

1st Mob. He's dead.

Mug So he is. Mr. Grub, if ray wishes prevail, your
very good wife is in health.

2d Mob. Wife ! I never was married.

Mug. No more you' were. Well, neighbours and friends
—Ah ! what honest Dick Bennet.

3d Mob. My name is Gregory Gubbins.

Mug. You are right, it is so ; and how fares it with
good master Gubbins ?

3d Mob. Pretty tight, master Mug.

Mug. I am exceedingly happy to hear it.

4th Mob. Harkye, master Mug.

Mug. Your pleasure, my very dear friend?

4th Mob. Why as how, and concerning our young one
at home.

Mug. Right ; she is a prodigious promising girl.

4th Mob. Girl ! Zooks, why 'tis a boy.

Mug. True ; a fine boy ! I love and honour the child.

4th Mob. Nay, 'tis none such a child ; but you pro-
mised to get un a place.

Mug. A place! what place?

36 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

4th Mob. Why, a gentleman's service, you know.

Mug. It is done ; it is fixed ; it is settled.

4th Mob. And when is the lad to take on 1

Mug. He must go in a fortnight at farthest.

4th Mob. And is it a pretty goodish hirth, master Mug ?

Mug. The hest in the world ; head butler to lady Bar-
bara Bounce.

4th Mob. A lady !

Mug. The wages are not much, but the vails are
amazing.

4th Mob. Barbara Bunch ?

Mug. Yes ; she has routs on Tuesdays and Sundays,
and he gathers the tables ; only finds candles, cards,
coffee, and tea.

4th Mob. Is lady Barbara's work pretty tight ?

Mug. As good as a sinecure; he only writes cards to
her company, and dresses his mistress's hair.

4th Mob. Hair ! Zounds, why Jack was bred to dress-
ing of horses.

Mug. True ; but he is suffered to do that by deputy.

4th Mob. Maybe so.

Mug. It is so. Harkye, dear Heel-tap, who is this fel-
low ? I should remember his face.

Heel. And don't you?

Mug. Not T, I profess.

Heel. No!

Mug. No.

Heel. Well said, master Mug;— but come, time wears
—have you any thing more to say to the corporation ?

Mug. Gentlemen of the corporation of Garratt

Heel. Now, twig him ; now, mind him : mark how he
hawls his muscles about.

Mug. The honour I this day solicit, will be to me the
honourablest honour that can be conferred ; and, should
I succeed, you, gentlemen, may depend on my using my
utmost endeavours to promote the good of the borough ;

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 37

for which purpose, the encouragement of your trade and
manufactories will most principally tend. Garratt, it must
be owned, is an inland town, and has not, like Wands-
worth, and Fulhain, and Putney, the glorious advantage
of a port ; but what nature has denied, industry may sup-
ply ; cabbage, carrots, and colly-flowers, may be deemed,
at present, your staple commodities ; but why should not
your commerce be extended ? Were I, gentlemen, worthy
to advise, I should recommend the opening a new branch
of trade ; sparagrass, gentlemen, the manufacturing of
sparagrass : Battersea, I own, gentlemen, bears, at pre-
sent, the belle ; but where lies the fault ? In ourselves,
gentlemen : let us, gentlemen, but exert our natural
strength, and I will take upon me to say, that a hundred
of grass from the corporation of Garratt, will in a short
time, at the London market, be held, at least, as an equi-
valent to a Battersea bundle.

Mob. A Mug ! a Mug !

Heel. Damn the fellow, what a tongue he has. God,
I must step in, or he will carry the day. Harkee, master
Mug!

Mug. Your pleasure, my very good friend ?

Heel. No flummering me : I tell thee, Matthew, 'twont
do : why, as to this article of ale here, how comes it about
that you have raised it a penny a quart ?

Mug. A word in your ear, Crispin ; you and your
friends shall have it at three pence.

Heel. What, sirrah, d'ye offer a bribe !— d'ye dare to
corrupt me, you scoundrel !

Mug. Gentlemen

Heel. Here, neighbours, the fellow has offered to bate
la penny a quart, if so be as how I would be consenting
|to impose upon you.

Mob. No Mug! no Mug !

Mug. Neighbours, friends

Mob. No Mug!

51M3

38 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Mug. 1 believe this is the first borough that ever was
lost by the returning officer's refusing a bribe.

[Exit Mug.
2d Mob. Let us go and pull down his sign.
Heel. Hold, hold, no riot ! but that we may not give

Mug time to pervert the votes and carry the day, let us
proceed to the election.
Mob. Agreed, agreed ! [Exit Heel-tap and Mob.

Sir Jacob, Bruin, and Wife, come from the balcony.

Sir J. Well, son Bruin, how d'ye relish the corporation
of Garratt ?

Bruin. Why, lookye, Sir Jacob, my way is always to
speak what I think : I don't approve on't at all.

Mrs. B. No!

Sir J. And what's your objection?

Bruin. Why, I was never over-fond of your May-
games : besides, corporations are too serious things ; they
are edge-tools, sir Jacob.

Sir J. That they are frequently tools, I can readily
grant ; but I never heard much of their edge.

Mrs. B. Well, now, I protest, I am pleased with it
mightily.

Bruin. And who the devil doubts it?— You women
folks are easily pleased.

Mrs. B. Well, 1 like it so well, that I hope to see one
every year.

Bruin. Do you ? Why then you will be damnably bit ;
you may take your leave I can tell you, for this is the
last you shall see.

Sir J. Fye, Mr. Bruin, how can you be such a bear ;
is that a manner of treating your wife ?

Bruin. What, I suppose you would have me such a
sniveling sot as your son-in-law Sneak, to truckle and
cringe, to fetch and to

THE MAYOR OF GAURATT. 39

Enter Sneak, in a violent hurry.

Sneak. Where's brother Ilruin 1 O Lord ! brother, I
have such a dismal story to tell you

Bruin. What's the matter ?

Sneak. Why, you know I went into the garden to look
for my vife and the major, and there I hunted and hunted
as sharp as if it had been for one of my own minikens ;
but the deuce a major or madam could I see : at last, a
thought came into my head to look for them up in the
summer-house.

Bruin. And there you found them?

Sneak. I'll tell you, the door was locked ; and then I
looked through the key-hole : and, there, Lord a mercy
upon us ! [whispers] as sure as a gun.

Bruin. Indeed ! Zounds, why did not you break open
the door ?

Sneak. I durst not : what, would you have me set my
wit to a soldier? I Avarrant, the major would have
knocked me down with one of his boots ; for I could see
they were both of them oif.

Bruin. Very well! Pretty doings ! You see, sir Jacob,
these are the fruits of indulgence : you may call me bear,
but your daughter shall never make me a beast.

Mob hussas.
Sir J. Hey-day ! What is the election over already ?

Enter Crispin, §c.

Heel. Where is master Sneak?

Sneak. Here, Crispin.

Heel. The ancient corporation of Garratf, in consi-
deration of your great parts and abilities, and out of re-
spect to their landlord, sir Jacob, have unanimously
chosen you mayor.

40 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Sneak. Me! huzza! good Lord, who would have
thought it : but how come master Primmer to lose it ?

Heel. Why, Phill Fleam had told the electors, that
master Primmer was an Irishman ; and so they would
none of them give their vote for a foreigner.

Sneak. So then, I have it for certain : huzza ! Now,
brother Bruin, you shall see how I'll manage my madam.
Gad, I'll make her know I am a man of authority ; she
shan't think to bullock and domineer over me.

Bruin. Now for it, Sneak ; the enemy's at hand-

Sneak. You promise to stand by me, brother Bruin.

Bruin. Tooth and nail.

Sneak. Then now for it ; I am ready, let her come
when she will.

Enter Mrs. Sneak.

Mrs. S. Where is the puppy ?

Sneak. Yes, yes, she is axing for me.

Mrs. S. So, sot ; what, is this true that I hear ?

Sneak. May be 'tis, may be 'tan't : I don't chuse to
trust my affairs with a voman. Is that right, brother
Bruin?

Bruin. Fine ! don't bate her an inch.

Sneak. Stand by me.

Mrs. S. Hey-day ! I am amazed ! Why, what is the
meaning of this ?

Sneak. The meaning is plain, that I am grown a man,
and vil do what I please, without being accountable to
nobody.

Mrs. S. Why the fellow is surely bewitched.

Sneak. No, I am unwitched, and that you shall know
to your cost ; and since you provoke me, I will tell you a
bit of my mind : what, I am the husband, 1 hope ?

Bruin. That's right : at her again.

Sneak. Yes ; and you shan't think to hector and do-

i&sgty

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 41

mineer over me as you have done ; for I'll go to the club
when I please, and stay out as late as I list, and row in a
boat to Putney on Sundays, and wisit my friends at Vit-
sontide, and keep they key of the till, and help myself at
table to vhat wittles I like ; and I'll have a bit of the brown.

Bruin. Bravo, brother Sneak, the day's your own.

Sneak. An't it ? vhy, I did not think it vas in me.
Shall I tell her all I know ?

Bruin. Every thing. You see she is struck dumb.

Sneak. As an oyster. Besides, madam, 1 have some-
thing furder to tell you : 'ecod, if some folks go into gar-
dens with majors, mayhap other people may go into
garrets with maids. There, I gave it her home, brother
Bruin.

Mrs. S. Why, doodle ! jackanapes ! harkye, who am I ?

Sneak. Come, don't go to call names. Am I? vhy, my
vife, and I am your master.

Mrs. S. My master ! you paltry, puddling puppy ! you
sneaking, shabby, scrubby, snivelling, whelp!

Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her come near me.

Mrs. S. Have I, sirrah, demeaned myself to wed such a
thing, such a reptile as thee ? Have I not made myself a
by-word to all my acquaintance ? Don't all the world
cry, Lord, who would have thought it ? Miss Molly
Jollup to be married to Sneak ; to take up at last with
such a noodle as he !

Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could catch me ; you
know you were pretty near your last legs.

Mrs. S. Was there ever such a confident cur ? My last
legs ! Why, all the country knows I could have picked
and choosed where 1 would. Did not I refuse squire
Ap-Griffith from Wales ? Did not counsellor Crab come
a courting a twelvemonth 1 Did not Mr. Wort, the great
brewer of Brentford, make an offer that I should keep my
post-chay ?

e2

42 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, she has had werry good"
proffers, that is certain.

Mrs. S. My last legs ! — but I can rein my passion no
longer ; let me get at the villain.
Bruin. O fie, sister Sneak.
Sneak. Hold her fast.

Mrs. S. Mr. Bruin, unhand me : what, is it you that
have stirred up these coals then ? He is set on by you to
abuse me.

Bruin. Not 1 ; I would only have a man behave like a
man.

Mrs. S. What, and are you to teach him, I warrant —
But here comes the major.

Enter Major Sturgeon.
Oh, major ! such a riot and a rumpus ! Like a man, in-
deed ! I wish people would mind their own affairs, and
not meddle with matters that does not concern them : —
but all in good time ; I shall one day catch him alone,
when he has not got his bullies to back him.

Sneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin : what shall I
do when she has me at home, and nobody by but our-
selves ?

Bruin. If you get her once under, you may do with her
whatever you will.

Maj. S. Lookye, master Bruin, I don't know how this
behaviour may suit with a citizen ; but were you an

officer, and major Sturgeon upon your court-martial

Bruin. What then ?

Maj. S. Then ! why then you would be broke.
Bruin. Broke ! and for what?

Maj. S. What ! read the articles of war. But these
things are out of your spear ; points of honour are for the
sons of the sword.

Sneak. Honour ! if you come to that, where was your
honour when you got my vife in the garden ?

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT. 43

Maj. S. Now, sir Jacob, this is the curse of our cloth !
all suspected for the faults of a few.

Sneak. Ay, and not without reason ; I heard of your
tricks at the King of Bohemy, when you was campaign-
ing about, I did. Father sir Jacob, he is as wicious as
an old ram.

Maj. S. Stop whilst you are safe, master Sneak ; for
the sake of your amiable lady, I pardon what is past.
But for you

Bruin. Well.

Maj. S. Dread the whole force of my fury.

Bruin. Why, lookye, major Sturgeon, 1 don't much
care for your poppers and sharps, because why, they are
out of my way; but if you will doff with your boots, and
box a couple of bouts

Maj. S. Box ! box ! — Blades ! bullets ! bagshot !

Mrs. S. Not for the world, my dear major oh, risk
not so precious a life. Ungrateful wretches ! and is this
the reward for all the great feats he has done ? After all
his marchings, his sousings, his sweatings, his swimmings,
must his dear blood be spilt by a broker 1

Maj. S. Be satisfied, sweet Mrs. Sneak ; these little
fracases we soldiers are subject to ; trifles, bagatailes,
Mrs Sneak. But that matters may be conducted in a
military manner, I will get our chaplain to pen me a chal-
lenge. Expect to hear from my adjutant.

Mrs. S. Major ! sir Jacob ! what, are you all leagued

against his dear ? A man ! yes a very manly action

indeed, to set married people a quarrelling, and ferment
a difference between husband and wife : if you were a
man, you would not stand by and see a poor woman beat
and abused by a brute, you would not.

Sneak. Oh, lord, I can hold out no longer! why, bro-
ther Bruin, you have set her a veeping. My life, my
lovy, don't veep : did I ever think I should have made
my Molly to veep ?

44 THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

Mrs. S. Last legs ! you lubberly [strikes him.

Sir J. Oh, fie, Molly!

Mrs. S. What, are you leagued against me, sir Jacob ?

Sir J. Pr'ythee, don't expose yourself before the whole
parish.- But what has been the occasion of this?

Mrs. S. Why, has not he gone and made himself the
fool of the fair 1 Mayor of Garratt, indeed ! 'ecod, I
could trample him under my feet,

Sneak. Nay, why should you grudge me my purfar-
ruent ?

Mrs. S. Did you ever hear such an oaf? Why thee
wilt be pointed at wherever thee goest. Lookye, Jerry,
mind what I say ; go get 'em to choose somebody else, or
never come near me again.

Sneak. What shall I do, father sir Jacob?

Sir J. Nay, daughter, you take this thing' in too serious
a light ; my honest neighbours thought to compliment
me: but come, we'll settle the business at once. Neigh-
bours, my son Sneak being seldom amongst us, the duty
will never be done ; so we will get our honest friend,
Heel-tap, to execute the office : he is, I think, every way
qualified-

Mob. A Heel-tap !

Heel. What, do you mean as master Jerrymy's deputy?

Sir J. Ay, ay, his locum tenens.

Sneak. Do, Crispin ; do be my locum lenens.

Heel. Give me your hand, master Sneak, and to oblige
you I will be the locum tenens.

Sir J. So, that is settled : but now to heal the other
breach : come, major, the gentlemen of your cloth seldom
bear malice ; let me interpose between you and my son.

Maj. S. Your son-in-law, sir Jacob, does deserve casti-
gation : but on recollection, a cit would but sully my
arms. I forgive him.

Sir J. That's right. As a token of amity, and to cele-
brate our feast, let us call in the fiddles. Now if the

THE MAYOR OF GARRATT.

45

major had but his shoes, he might join in a country dance.
Maj. S. Sir Jacob, no shoes ; a major must be never out
of his boots ; always ready for action. Mrs. Sneak will
find me lightsome enough.

Sneak. What, are all the vomen engaged ? why then
my locum tenens and I will jig together. Forget and
forgive, major.
Maj. S. Freely.

Nor be it said, that after all my toil,
I stain'd my regimentals by a broil.
To you I dedicate boots, sword and shield.
Sir J. As harmless in the chamber as the field.

Thomas White,
Prioter, Johoson't Court,
Fleet Street.

NOW PUBLISHING,

a ^>erfeg of £>it> $ta?%

UNDER THE TITLE OF THE

OLD ENGLISH DRAMA.

The object of- the publishers of the Old English Drama is, to a
certain extent, to do by other dramatic poets what has been done by
Shakespeare, viz. to furnish the chief works of the predecessors,
contemporaries, coadjutors, and immediate successors of our great dra-
matic bard, (of whose productions it is not a little remarkable, that
persons even in the higher walks of life, with the exception of a few of
the more popular names, are still comparatively ignorant,) in such a
form as shall render them accessible to every class, and yet recom-
mend them to literary men and to readers of a higher order.

The work is beautifully printed on large 18mo., each Part contain-
ing an entire play, and occasionally embellished with illustrations
on wood, by the first masters, price Is. each.

PLAYS ALREADY PUBLISHED

1. Ralph Royster Doyster, the earliest

Play in the language " that looks
like regular;" with au Historical
Account of the English Stage,
written in the year 1699, in a Dia-
logue between two Players.

2. Gammer Gurton's Needle ; being the

second comedy ; with a highly hu-
mourous engraving.

3. Volpone, or the Fox ; with an ex-

cellent Portrait of the Author,
Ben Jon son.

4. Englishmen for my Money, or a

Woman will have her Will ; with
a humourous Engraving of the Red
Bull Theatre, showing the dresses
of the actors of that time.

5. The Broken Heart ; by John Forde.

6. Amends for Ladies ; by Nathaniel

Field.with a characteristic engrav-
ing of Moll Cut-purse.
T . A Woman is a Weathercock ; by
Nathaniel Field.
. lis Pity She's a Whore ; by John
Forde.

9. Epicoene, or the Silent Wonan ; by

Ben Jonson.

10. The Seven Champions of Christen-
dom ; by John Kirke.

11. Women beware Women; by Tho-

mas Middleton.

12. A Trick to Catch the Old One ;
by Thomas Middleton ; with an
elegant engraving.

13. King Edward the First ; by George
Peele : with an engraving.
Doctor Faustus; by Christopher
Marlow.

The Lover's Melancholy ; by John
Forde.

16. A Fine Companion; by Shacker-
ley Marmyon.

17. Mother Bombie ; by John Lilly ;
embellished with an engraving il-
lustrative of the early costume of
the stage.

18. Ihe Isle of Gulls; by John
Day: embellished with an engraving.

19. JACK DRUM: with an engravine.

11

1."'

THOMAS WHITE, JOHNSON'S COLKT, FLEET STREET.

K197

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY

Los Angeles

This book is DUE on the last date stamped below.

315

n

uc

SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARV ' FACIL

AA 000 379 986 3

'QSNr*

OS ANGELES
"RARY