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Full text of "The Memoirs of Mr. Charles J. Yellowplush: The History of Samuel Titmarsh and the Great Hoggarty ..."

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ARVARD COLLEGE LIBRARY 




PUSCHASED FROM THB 

BOSTON LIBRARY SOCIETY 

WriH INCOME FROM THB 

AEY RICHMOND SHELDON FUND 

1941 



THE BIOGRAPHICAL EDITION 



THE WORKS OF 



WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY 



WITH BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTIONS BY 
HIS DAUGHTER, ANNE RITCHIE 



IN THIRTEEN VOLUMES 



Volume III. 



THE MEMOIRS OF 

MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH 

THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND, Etc 









, • •• 



• •• ••^ • 



• • • • • 

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THE MEMOIRS OF 

MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH 



THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

AND THE 

GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 
COX'S DIARY, Etc. 



BY 



WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY 



WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK 
AND A PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR 



1 




. . • 



' ^ t » * 



« « 



HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS 
NEW YORK AND LONDON 

1898 



^2^7C>,^S^Q2) 



K^ 



HARVARD 

UNIVERSITY 

LIBRARY 

MAR 51941 



I •• • • ••• 



••• • • 






• • •• 

* * I 



•• ■ • • • • • 
• • •• ••• • • 






•• • . 



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• ••< 



• • • • • • • 

• •• • 
» • • • 









Copyright, 1898, by Harpbr & Brothsks. 



AU rights ruerttt/. 



CONTENTS 



PAai 

INTRODUCTION XV 

THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH AND 
THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 

CHAP. 

I. GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUB VILLAGE AND THE 

FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE DIAMOND ... 3 

U. TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO 

LONDON, AND PRODUCES WONDERFUL EFFECTS 

BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END . 9 

ni. HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED 

INTO A MAGNIFICENT CHARIOT, AND HAS YET 

FURTHER GOOD LUCK 19 

IV. HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND - WEARER DINES AT 

PENTONVILLE 29 

V. HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL 

MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE .... 33 

VI. OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF 

THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND HAD THERE . . 39 

VII. HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST 

POINT OF PROSPERITY 48 



VUL RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH's 



57 



UFE 

IX. BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, 

TO LONDON 63 



viii CONTENTS 

OBAF. PAOB 

X. OF Sam's private affairs, and of the firm 

OF BROUGH AND HOFF 75 

XI. IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS 
A DIAMOND, AND YET BE VERY HARD PRESSED 
FOR A DINNER 86 

XII. IN WHICH THE HERO's AUNT'S DIAMOND MAKES 

ACQUAINTANCE WITH THE HERO's UNCLE 95 

Xni. IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS 
THE BEST DIAMOND A MAN CAN WEAR IN 
HIS BOSOM 106 



THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 
MAJOR GAHAGAN 

I. "TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION" . 119 

II. ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE 131 

ni. A PEEP INTO SPAIN— ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND 

SERVICES OF THE AHBCEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS . 140 

rv. THE INDIAN CAMP — THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT . 153 

V. THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE . 161 

VL FAMINE IN THE GARRISON 165 

Vn. THE ESCAPE 171 

VIII. THE CAPTIVE 174 

IX. SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR 180 



COX'S DIARY 

JANUARY — THE ANNOUNCEMENT 189 

FEBRUARY — FIRST ROUT 193 

MARCH — A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS . , .197 
APRIL — THE FINISHING TOUCH 201 



CONTENTS 



iz 



MAT — A VBW DB0P-8CKNE AT THE OPERA 
JUNE — STRIKING A BALANCE .... 
JULY — DOWN AT BEULAH .... 

AUGUST — A TOURNAMENT .... 

SEPTEMBER — OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED 
OCTOBER— NOTICE TO QUIT .... 

NOVEMBER — LAW LIFE ASSURANCE . 
DECEMBER— FAMILY BUSTLE .... 



FAOI 
205 

209 

213 
217 
221 
225 
229 
233 



THE MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

MISS SHUM's HUSBAND 237 

THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCEACE : — 

DIMOND CUT DIMOND 256 

FORING PARTS 270 



MR. DEUCEACE AT PARIS : — 
CHAP. 

L THE TWO BUNDLES OF HAY 

IL "HONOUR THY FATHER" 

III. MINEWVRINO . 

IV. "HITTING THE NALE ON THE 
V. THE griffin's CLAWS 

VL THE JEWEL . 

VIL THE CONSgUINSIES . 

VIIL THE END OF MR. DEUCEACE's 

IX. THE MARRIAGE 

X. THE HONEYMOON . 



MR. YELL0WPLU8HS AJEW 



HKDD 



)» 



HISTORY — 



SKIMMINGS FROM "THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV." 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 



UMBO 



279 

284 
290 
297 
300 
304 
311 
315 
329 
331 

338 

348 

360 



CONTENTS 



THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., 

WITH HIS LETTERS 

PAOB 
A LUCKY SPECULATOR 381 

THE DIAET 387 

JEAMES ON TIME BABGINGS 424 

JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION 426 

MB. JEAMES AGAIN 429 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE 

CHAP. 

L SI& LUDWIG OF HOMBOUBG 435 

II. THE GODESBERGEBS 439 

ni. THE FESTIVAL 444 

IV. THE FLIGHT 446 

V. THE TRAITOB's DOOM 448 

VI. THE CONFESSION 452 

VIL THE SENTENCE 455 

VIII. THE CHILDE OF GODESBEBG 457 

IX. THE LADY OF WINDECK 465 

X. THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN .... 471 

XI. THE MABTYB OF LOVE 476 

Xn. THE CHAMPION 482 

XIU. THE MABBIAGE 488 



CHARACTER SKETCHES 

CAPTAIN BOOK AND MR. PIGEON 495 

THE FASHIONABLE AUTHORESS 511 

THE ARTISTS 523 



CONTENTS 



THE FATAL BOOTS 

JANUARY — THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR 
FEBRUARY — CUTTIXO WEATHER 

MARCH — SHOWERY 

APRIL — FOOLING 

MAY — RESTORATION DAY .... 
JUNE — MARROWBONE.S AND CLEAVERS 
JULY -SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS 
AUGUST — DOiJS HAVE THEIR DAYS . 
SEPTEMBER — PLUCKING A GOOSE 
OCTOBER — MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION 
NOVEMBER — A GENERAL I»OST DEUVERY . 
DECEMBER — "THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT 



»» 



PAQI 

541 
545 
549 
553 
557 
561 
565 
569 
573 
577 
581 
585 



CHAP. 
I. 



IL 



in. 



THE BEDFORD-ROW CONSPIRACY 

OF THE I/>VES OF MR. PERKINS AND MISS GORGON, 
AND OF THE TWO GREAT FACTIONS IN THE 
TOWN OF OLDBOROUGH 591 

SHOWS HOW THE PLOT BEGAN TO THICKEN IN OR 

ABOIT BEDFORD ROW 607 

BEHIND THE SCENES . . . . .619 



GOING TO SEE A MAN HANGED 



633 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 



PORTRAIT OF W. M. THACKERAY, 1832 . 



. Frontispiece 



PAOB 

BLUE FROCKCOAT XVi 

THACKERAY AT HARE COURT, TEMPLE .... XVii 

BUCK8TONE XViii 

KING xviii 

MEGREEDY xix 

LORD CHAXCELU)R XXVii 

PEEPING LADY XXlx 

OARRICK CLUB HEADS XXXU 

DOMESTIC DREAMS XXXiii 

ATEUER XXXiv 

DE LA PLUCHE. M. A. TITMARSR. MAJOR UAHAGAN . XXXix 



COX'S DIARY 



JANUARY —THE ANNOUNCEMENT 

FEBRUARY — HRST ROUT 

MARCH — A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS 

APRIL — THE FINISHINC; TOUCH 

MAY — A NEW DROP-ACENE AT THE OPERA 

JUNE — STRIKING A BALANCE. 



To/ace jHi^e 


IIH)^ 


»i 


194 


»» 


1118 


»i 


202 


»i 


200 ■ 


»f 


210 



xiy 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 



JULY — DOWN AT BEULAH 

AUGUST — A TOURNAMENT . . . . 

SEPTEMBER — OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED 
OCTOBER — NOTICE TO QUIT . . . . 

NOVEMBER — LAW LIFE ASSURANCE 
DECEMBER — CHRISTMAS BUSTLE 



To face page 


214 




218. 




222, 




226. 




230 




232 



THE FATAL BOOTS 

JANUARY — THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR 
FEBRUARY — CUTTING WEATHER 



MARCH — SHOWERY 



APRIL — FOOLING 



MAY — RESTORATION DAY 



JUNE — MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS 



JULY — SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS 



AUGUST — DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. 



SEPTEBfBER — PLUCKING A GOOSE 



OCTOBER — MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION 
NOVEMBER — A GENERAL POST DELIVERY 
DECEMBER — "THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT 



}} 





542- 




546- 




550. 




554. 




558^ 




562^ 




56(h 




570^ 




574^ 




578s 




582^ 


• • 


586^ 



INTRODUCTION 



TO 



YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 



AMD 



HOGGARTY DIAMOND, etc. 



1831— 1837 



I. 

TnB early years which my father spent in London, looking 
aboat him, trying his ^prentice hand on life, coming and going 
with his friends, were those in which he saw most of Edward 
FitzCrerald, Charles and Arthur Duller, of John and Henry 
Kemble, all of whom seem to have been his playfellows. Al- 
fred and Frederick Tennyson, and John Allen, are also among 
those who are constantly mentioned in the notes and the letters 
of that time. 

These young knights of the Mahogany Tree used to meet 
and play and work together, or sit over their brandy-and-water 
discussing men and books and morals, speculating, joking, and 
contradicting each other — liking fun and talk and wit and hu- 
man nature, and all fanciful and noble things. Alfred Tenny- 
son was already the poet laureate of this little court, which was 
roaming about London, with so much vigour and cheerful mirth. 

They all went their own ways. They heartily admired each 
other (and no wonder), and they encouraged the minor graces 
as well as the major virtues. Among other things they seem 
to have greatly admired a blue frockcoat of FitzGerald's, of 

XV 



xvi VELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

wbicL he himself has written more thun once in his letters. 
" It looks deligbtftU in charch," be says. 

I have a letter addressed to Edward FltzGerald, Esq., at 
Mrs. Perry's, Tranipington Street, Cambridge, and docketed 
"Jirtt Utter from W. M. T. after my departure from London in 
November 1831." 

" I don't think my rooms will ever appear comfortable again," 
says the letter. " Here are your things lying in the exact place 
you left them. . . . The Kerables have called ; J. yesterday, 
Henry to-day — he is a dear fellow, and we talk about nothing 
but yon and the theatre. . . ." Then again : " John Eemble 
stayed with me till five o'clock, when we 
set forth on a walk; we went round the 
Regent's Park, and he had the talk to 
himself. It was i^recablc enough : abont 
his Spanish adventures, and his friend 
General Torrijo's exploits. He has asked 
me to his house. . . . Mrs. Kemble has 
returned, leaving lior daughter at Paris." 
This was at the time my father aat 
every day in Mr. Taprell's office perched 
on a high stool, drawing up legal docu- 
ments. Mr. Taprell was a Bpecial pleader 
and conveyancer, and it would be curious 
to come across a legal document in his 
pupil's handwriting. 
Almost a year before this time my grandparents and my 
father had come to the conclusion that he should go to the bar. 
He himself was anxious to begin work. Writing to bis mother 
from Germany, January 25, 1831, he says: "I do believe, 
mother, that it is not merely an appetite for noveliy which 
prompts me, but really a desire to enter a profession and do 
my duty in it. I am nearly twenty years old — at that time my 
father had been for five years engaged on his. I am fully aware 
how difficult and disagreeable my task mast be for the first four 
years, but I have an end in view and an independence to gain ; 
and if I can steadily keep this before me, I shall not, I trust, 
flinch from the pursuit of them." By the autumn of that year 
the yonng student was established in the Temple. 




INTRODUCTIOX xvii 

He sent Mr. FitiGerald a picture of himself, and of his stool 
and of No. 1 Hare Court, Temple, and one of tbe lamp-post 
and the rulingB outside. The drawing given here is from a 
letter home. 

" W, M. T. to Major Carsiichaki^mtth. 

•'December 1S31. 

" I go pretty regularly to my pleader's, and sit with him tilt 
past five; then I come home and read and dine till about nine or 




past, when I am elad enouch to go out for an honr and look at 
the world. As f"r llie tbeatro, I scarcely go then.' more than 
■ ■nee a week, which ih muderatc indeed for me. In a few days 
come the I'anlomimeH ! IIueza ! 

"I have been toCamhridgc, where I stayed four days feasting 
on my old friends, no hearty and hos[>itBblc. ... I could have 
stayed there a month and fed ob each. 



xviii VELLOWPLUSH PAl'EKS 

" I liad this work reallj veiy pleasant: one's day is ngreeably 
occupied ; there is a newspaper and a fire and just enough to 
do. Ur. Taprell has plenty of business, and 1 should think 
would be glad of another assistant, whom I hope to provide for 
him, in my friend Kemble, with whom I am very thick. ... I 
have been employed on a long pedigree case, and find myself 




very tolerably amused, only it is difficult to read dry law-books 
and to attend to tliem. I sit at home a good deal, but proceed 
very slowly. I have to lay out nearly £5 to-day for these same 
ugly books." 

A diary which was written in the early part of 1833 brings 



INTROBUCTIOX xix 

buck very vividl)' the dsily life of tbat time. It begins with a 
family record. 

"Monday, April 2, 1B32.— In the morning William Ritchie 
called — he hus grown a very fine boy." 

Then comes a description of going to see Hay don's pictures: 
"Mr. Uaydoa, by dint of telling all the worM he is a great 
painter, has made them believe it. The ' Mock Election ' is 




Qnrm (Mr*. Ruljccr). tlHinlel! iIk.ii lis'l Ihv Ulhw m.ich olTrnded 
Jlamlrt (UeRnvljl. MaUiii. IhoH Iuih mj fntlwr much olTpn.t."). 
Qa'tn. Thnv'ii thu lust Usio iii life of liiien htngiiig out Iwhind. 

vfTy fon-cd and bad, 'Xenophon' no so, and the n-st of the 
pictures nbout a.<> g«od as the ' Mock Election.' '' 

" Went to sec father and mother at Oovent (larden. Tlic 
opera was the ' ItarbiT of Seville," Miss tnveritrity sang cbarm- 
inirlr, hut has a mnnth hig enough to sing two songs at oni'c. 
Wilson lias one "f the freshest voices 1 ever heard. Wrote 



XX YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

some verses for Charlotte Shakespeare, which are not quite fin- 
ished." 

*^ Sunday, April 29. — Breakfasted at Bailers', and met bis 
brother (Arthur Bulier), a very nice fellow, and very well read. 
Idled about all day till dinner-time, when A. Buller and King- 
lake dined with me at the Bedford. At night went canvassing 
for Percy and Reform ; it was a silly prank, but has shown me 
how easy it Is to talk men over. ... I wish to God I could take 
advantage of my time and opportunities as C. Buller has done. 
It is very well to possess talents, but using them is better still. 
Just as I had written my criticism on Buller, enter D., who finds 
fault with him for the very things which I thought so creditable. 
He says he has not taken advantage of his opportunities. To 
be sure, as to advancement, society, and talent, he has had 
greater advantages than most men. Not the least of them that 
Carlyle was his tutor. 

** Went to Chambers. Dined in Hall ; afterwards Kemble and 
Hal lam sat here for an hour. Read an article in Blackwood 
about A. Tennyson, abusing Hallam for his essay in the Eng- 
lUhman, Read the Monthly, which is cleverer than any of the 
others, I think. Took a shilling's worth at the Strand Theatre 
to see the 'Judgment of Paris,' a poor thing enough." 

It was about this time that he went to see Macready in the 
" Merchant of London," " a good play, and admirably acted." 
The drawing here given belongs, perhaps, to a somewhat later 
date, but it is evidently a sketch of a young Macready, adapted 
to a jesting story by the youthful chronicler. 

It was in these very early days that ray father made the ac- 
quaintance of Dr. Maginn, with whom he bad further dealings.* 

* Mr. Blanchard Jerrold describes Father Prout in Paris, speaking to him 
of this time : " Without preface '* — he was a man void of preface in speech 
(Mr. Jerrold writes), and like Siebenicas, advocate of the poor, he laid the 
egg of his act or deep saying, without any nest on the naked rock — " I in- 
** troduced Thackeray to Maginn.'* — The Father laughed as the vision pass- 
ed before him. — '* Thackeray was a young buck in those days, wanted to 
**make a figure in literature, la belle affaire I So he thought he must help 
" himself to a magazine. It is an expensive toy. A magazine wanted an 
"editor; I recommended Billy Maginn.*' A burst of sharp laughter fol- 
lowed this. " It wasn't so easy to get hold of Master Maginn in those times. 
" However, I did get hold of him, and made Thackeray's proposition then 



INTRODUCTION xxi 

The first mention of him is in the diary from which I have 
been quoting. 

^^ Wednesday f May 2, 1832. — Dr. Maginn called and took me 
to the Standard, showing me the mysteries of printing and 
writing leading articles. With him all day till four. Dined at 
the Sablonniere.'* 

Next day he dines with Dr. Maginn at the King's Head. *^ A 
dull party of low literary men." " Wrote yesterday to E. F. G. 
with a letter as from Herrick. Might have been made pretty, 
but was poor enough. How can a man know his own capabili- 
ties ? Not by reading, by which one acquires thoughts of others, 
and gives one's self the credit of them. Bulwer has a high 
reputation for talent, and yet I always find myself competing 
with him." 

Then again, a little further on : ** Maginn with me all the 
morning, one of the plcasantest I ever passed. Maginn read 
Homer to me, and he made me admire it as I had never done 
before ; moreover he made me make a vow to read some Homer 
every day, which vow I don't know whether I shall keep. His 
remarks were extraordinarily intelligent and beautiful, mingled 
with much learning, a great deal of wit, and no ordinary poet- 
ical feeling. . . . Told me concerning G.'s roguery, Imt he was 
not angry enough at it" (This last sentence is very character- 
istic of my father.) 

Day by day he continues to chronicle the occupations and 
amusements of the moment : — 

" Walked out with Paget through Kensington Gardens, where 
we strolled about and lay on the grass. Lunched at the Black 
Lion at Bayswater. On returning home found lialf-a-<l<>zen men 
comfortably settled in my rooms, to which were presently added 
as many more, and at last gut rid of them and went to be<l at 
eleven. All tlie morning at Buller's, drawing caricatures. Met 
Mrs. Austin there, a pretty, pleasant woman. Found that C. B. 
and I did not at all agree about poetry." Elsewhere he writes : 

** and there. Before Billy Maginn could go into the matter he must have 

" £500 " 

Of all this the writer known nothing, hut nhc fpve^ the passage tiA it is 
printtNi, and she owes the quotation to the Icindness of Mr. Loder of Wood- 
bridge. 



xxii YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

''C. 6. is a clever fellow, at any rate, and makes money by 
magazine writing, in which I should much desire to follow his 
example." On another page he mentions that Kemble has been 
reading him some very beautiful verses of Tennyson's. The music 
was in the air — not only was the poet come, but those who had 
ears to hear. 

The diary continues : " Supped at the Bedford with D., who 
is to breakfast with roe. I have never known what adversity is, 
or I should be able, perhaps, to understand his incomprehensi- 
ble recklessness and quiet, with things hanging over him which 
if discovered might leave him a beggar and an outcast. I do not 
love him now as in old times, and perhaps it is lucky for me, 
for my pocket at any rate !" 

Another day he is going about trying to find a market for 
his caricatures. A certain Mr. Gibbs says he can dispose of 
them for him. There is also another friend, a bookseller. 
** Had a talk with Mayer, who is quite a patriarch in his way. 
A fat old fellow in black tights and gaiters. He has promised 
to let me have his books at trade price." 

Here is another entry : " BuUer and Curzon* dined with me 
at the Bedford. Curzon is the same noble little fellow he was 
at school, with all his old enthusiasm and no humbug. When I 
supposed him grown cool, it was I that was conceited, and not 
he ; meetinir Curzon again has made me very happy." 

** Sunday^ May 13. — Breakfasted with Edwards. Sat all the 
morning with Dobbs. To-day a bishop has been pulled out of 
his pulpit ; what may come to-morrow ? — perhaps a king may be 
pulled off his throne. This sounds very like clap-trap, but I fear 
it will be true." 

" Read law for about an hour. Went at eleven to Somerset 
Coffee House; met Dr. Maginn, whom I like for his wit and 
good feeling. Thence to Montagu Place to finish the pantomime 
trick for John Henry. Called at Kemble' s, Du Pr^'s, and Patties', 
and dined at the Bedford. J. Kemble and Pearson here till late in 
the evening talking metaphysics, of which Pearson has read a 
good deal, and Kemble amazingly little. Walked in the Park 
with Mr. Dick and Kemble ; met the Duke looking like an old hero." 

• Hon. R. Curzon, author of ** Curzon'a Monasteries " — a Carthusian to 
begin with. 



4C 



INTRODUCTION xxiii 

It is at Dr. Maginn's that my father meets Mr. Giffard, a 
very learned and pleasant man,'* and further on he writes : 
Very much delighted with the goodness of Giffard."* 
At first there are constant mentions of Dr. Maginn, of his 
scholarship and kindness and brilliant talk ; then come others 
far less to the Doctor's credit. The reverse of the medal ap- 
pears : it is not the King's head any more that we see ; bnt the 
dragon, with its claws and ugly forked tongue turns up, and alas ! 
no St. George to the rescue. 

The story is a tragic one. How could it be otherwise with 
such brilliant gifts, such fatal instincts. Mrs. Oliphant, before 
she laid down her pen, that pen which was ever moved by lov- 
ing wit, told the history and quoted Lockhart's touching epi- 
taph, of which the last line sums up the spirit of the whole : 
" Many worse, better few, than bright, broken Maginn." 

The echoes, the common-sense, the daily sounds and sights 
of the earlv thirties, seem to reach one as one looks over these 
letters and note-books of a date when even the earlv Victorian 
times were not, and William was King, when the heroes who 
had fought for England and her very existence were resting on 
their laurels and turning their swords into scythes. 

There were domestic battles still to contest. The Reform 
Bill was being fought inch by inch — "that Catilinarian Reform 
Bill," as Coleridge calls it, writing at the time from Highgate 
Hill. In the little hall of my father*s house in Young Street 
there used to be a print hanging over the chimney-piece which 
represented the passing of the Reform Bill. It was a well- 
known print by S. W. Reynolds. Lord John Russell, as a 
young man, is standing up with a very high collar to his coat. 
Lord Palmcrston, and all the great men of the time, with curls 
and mutton-chop whiskers, are grouped round about in ingen- 
ious profiles and thrce-<iuarter faces. A gleam of light comes 
dazzling in from one of the windows overhead, and is falling 
straight upon the scroll of Liberty. 

"The Ministers, the Reform Bill, and the country gone to 
the devil," my father writes on May 9th. " Went to the House 

♦ Prr>lMiblj T. L. Oiffani, cJitor of the Standard, a\u\ father of the present 
Lord HaUlmry. — IMri. Aat. Biog. 



Miv YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

of Commons and got in with Cnrzon's order. It will soon, I 
suppose, be a boose of delegates. . . . Bought a big stick where- 
with to resist all parties in case of an attack.'' 

But after all there is no rising in London as he anticipates. 

^' The Duke has been attacked in the streets/' he says fur- 
ther on. ** Bracy walked home with him ; the Duke shook his 
hand and thanked him. Bracy says he has lived four and 
twenty years, but never felt so happy as to-day. Bravo, Bracy ! 
I did not think you such a trump before." 

The Reform Bill played a part in ray father's life as it did 
in that of his friends, and at this time he himself made his first 
appearance in the arena of politics. 

But he was never a keen politician. Pictures and plays 
form a much larger share of his early interests than either poli- 
tics or law cases. Only he sympathized warmly with his friends 
and companions, and never hesitated to utter his sympathies. 
It is impossible also not to feel even now how just were his in- 
stinctive provisions and criticisms. Any one reading the speech- 
es he made in 1858, when he was standing for the City of Ox- 
ford, might realise how many of the things which he advocated 
then have come about. I can still remember how people blamed 
him for some of the things he said, for wishing for the Ballot, 
for Universal Suffrage, and for all the changes that we are quite 
used to now, which have proved to be friendly ploughs making 
ready the land for the harvest of the future, rather than those 
catastrophes and cataclysms which were anticipated. '* How 
deeply we all regret your dear father's dangerous views," I can 
remember various voices saying, with a quaver of disapproba- 
tion ; specially one dignified old lady, who, I believe, asked us 
to dinner solely on purpose to remonstrate with him. 

He used sometimes to speak of a happy expedition into 
Cornwall, when he went to Liskeard to help Charles Buller in 
his election in 1832. Long after, when the people of Liskeard 
sent to ask my father himself to stand as their representative, 
he was greatly tempted and amused by the suggestion, but he 
said he could not afford it then. This happened before he had 
crossed the water to America. The £1000 which Oxford cost 
him in later days was, I think, all paid for in silver dollars. 



INTRODUCTION xxv 

The account of the Buller election is in his diary, and is 
cheerful reading. 

There is also a letter to his mother, dated from Polwellan^ 
West Looe. 

''June 26, 1882. 

** Are you surprised, dear mother, at the direction ? Ccr- 
tainly not more prepared for it than I was myself, but you must 
know that on Tuesday in last week I went to breakfast with 
Charles Buller, and he received a letter from his constituents at 
Liskeard requesting him immediately to come down ; he was too 
ill, but instead deputed Arthur Buller and myself — so off we 
set that same night by the mail, arrived at Plymouth the next 
day, and at Liskeard the day after, when we wrote addresses^ 
canvassed farmers, and dined with attorneys. Then we came 
on to Mr. Buller's, and here I have been very happy since Fri- 
day. On Wednesday last I was riding for twelve hours' can- 
vassing — rather a feat for me ; and considering I have not been 
on horseback for eight months my stiffness yesterday was by 
DO means surprising. But it is seven o'clock of a fine summer's 
morning, so I have no fatigue to complain of. I have been ly- 
ing awake this morning meditating on the wise and proper man- 
ner I shall employ my fortune on when I come of age, which^ 
if I live so long, will take place in three weeks. . . . Charles 
Buller comes down at the end of next week : if vou want me 
sooner I will come ; if not, I should like to wait for the Re- 
form rejoicings, which are to take place on his arrival, particu- 
larly as I have a great share in the canvassing." 

FROM THE DIARY. 

''June 20, 1832. — Breakfasted with Charles Buller. At 
eight o'clock we set off by the mail outside, crossed the water 
to Tor Point, and set off for Liskeard by the mail. Here our 
first act was a blunder — we went to the wrong Inn. This, how- 
ever, was soon remedied, our trunks were withdrawn, and our- 
selves breakfasted at Mr. Lvne*s the attorney. 

'* Most of the day was occupied in composing an address for 
Charles Buller, the one he sent down being considered unsatis- 
factory. Arthur's was fixed upon by us, it was good but wordy ; 
then we went to see two more attorneys to con over the address. 



TLxvi YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

-and to drink tea, and at half-past ten we set off in poaring rain 
to Polwellan, where we arrived at twelve, and went gladly to bed." 

" Thursday J June 21. — Woke and forgot all my travelling 
troubles after a long sweet sleep, and found myself in a very 
charming house, in a pretty room, and with a pleasant family ; 
the servants all mistook me for Charles Buller. I was kindly 
received by Mr. and Mrs. Buller. The day has passed pleas- 
antly enough with a walk, and a lunch, and a ride, and a dinner, 
and a long talk afterwards about subjects of which none of the 
party knew anything. At dinner there was a gentleman re- 
markable for his name. Captain Toop Nicholas. The house is 
-very pleasant, the master of it most kind-hearted and honest* 
and the mistress a very charming woman, an ancient flame of 
mv father's. We rode to Morvel, an Elizabethan house with 
some noble woods. On Wednesday rode with A. Buller twelve 
miles canvassing, and found much more good feeling and in- 
telligence among the farmers than I had expected. There seems 
to be a class of farmers here unknown to our part of Devonshire, 
men of tolerable education, though not of a large property, not 
iinlike the Scotch farmer." 

Elsewhere my father describes his host, *' as he sits at table 
surrounded by his family portraits, a fine specimen of a kind al- 
most gone out now." 

Here is a pleasant page of life. " After a merry day at Tem- 
plars we set off in his cart to Newton, where we waited till 8.30 
for the mail. At about one we reached Plymouth, and on Mon- 
day, 9th, arrived by mail at ten o'clock at Liskeard, and found all 
the town in an uproar, with flags, processions, and triumphal 
arches, to celebrate Charles Buller's arrival. Rode out to meet 
him, and had the honour, with some half-a-dozen others, to be 
dragged in with him. The guns were fired, the people shouted 
and pulled us through all parts of the town. C. Buller made a 
good speech enough, then we adjourned to Mrs. Austin's to 
lunch, and then to submit again to be pulled about for the 
pleasure of the constituents. This business lasted from twelve 
till four, during which I was three times gratified by hearing 
my song about Jope sung to a tune, I suppose by some of the 
choristers. . . . Arrived at Polwellan at six, and was glad to 
see it again, for they certainly have been very kind." 



xxviii YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

The notes of electioneering alternate with the books which 
he is reading, the people he is talking to, and the places he 
visits. He reads '* Wallenstein " in the morning, rides in the 
afternoon, talks to the young ladies in the evening, and draws 
pictures. He meets Sir William Molesworth, who is standing 
for the county, and with whom he always kept up a friendship 
in after life, and who is here described as a '< sensible fellow.^' 
Electors go on dragging carriages and feasting in gardens, can- 
didates make speeches, and when it pours with rain they all ad- 
journ together to the Town Hall. Dances as well as tea drink* 
ings are given in the cause of Liberal politics. One lady ap- 
pears upon the scene, by whom at first he seems to be rather 
fascinated. But she — counting, perhaps, too much upon a 
young man*s powers of attention — spares him no detail of com- 
plicated domestic history, and on Saturday, July 11, he notes, 
"A blank chiefly occupied by Mrs. 's voluminous conver- 
sation.*^ 

Politicians appear to have been cheerful, young, and gay in 
those days, with much less of Guy Fawkes about them than 
there is now. 

On the 18th July 1832 he writes : " Here is the day for which 
1 have been panting so long.*' He was now of age and his own 
master. 

11. 

I have heard that the man who followed my father at Mr. 
Taprell's chambers found the desk full of sketches and carica- 
tures, which he had left behind him.* It was quite evident that 
though he was amused by the work at first, his real place was 
not in Hare Court ; his gifts lay in other directions, and the 
visions here depicted were never to be realised, although my 
father was actually called to the Bar in 1848. 

In May of 1832 he had written : " This lawyer's preparatory 
education is certainly one of the most cold-blooded, prejudiced 
pieces of invention that ever a man was slave to. ... A fellow 

* Mr. Reginald Smith tells me that the successor to my father^s place, 
who rose to be a dignitary of the law, unwarily showed his trouvaille to the 
Special Pleader, who confiscated the sketches. 



INTRODUCTION xxix 

aboald properly do and think of nothing else tliao Law. Never 
mind. I begin to find ont that people are mnch wiser than I 
am (which is a rare piece of modeetj' in me), and that old beads 
do better than yonng ones, that is in their generation, for I am 
ntre that a yonng man's ideas, however absurd and rhapsodical 




they are, thouglt tliey mayn't smack so much of experience aa 
those of these old cnlculatinf; coilffcrs, contain a great deal mora 
natare and virtue. Here arc hot weather and fi^cn trees a^ain, 
dear mother, but the sun won't shine into Taprell's chamber, 
and the himh stools don't blossom and bring forth buds. 
malulini rout* aura que tatnbrtt! I do long bo for fresh air 
and fresh butter, only it isn't romantic." 

His deliverance followed close upon this, for lie seems to have 
gone straight from Cornwall to France, stopping at Havre, sketch- 
log by the way, and reaching Paris before the end of August. 



XXX YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

At Paris ray father immediately subscribed to a reading-room 
in the Palais Royal, with quiet rooms and a pleasant look-out. 
He seems to have set to work at once, sent for a master, and 
begun to study French literature. lie came in for the rise of 
the romantic school, and he makes his own criticism upon it 

" In the time of Voltaire," he says, " the heroes of poetry 
and drama were fine gentlemen ; in the days of Victor Hugo 
they bluster about in velvet and mnstachios and gold chains, but 
they seem in nowise more poetical than their rigid predecessors. 

" I read to-day a novel of Balzac's called the Peau de Chagrin^ 
which possesses many of the faults and many of the beauties of 
the school. Plenty of light and shade, good colouring and cos- 
tumes, but no character.'' 

He also reads in Gibbon and studies old Montaigne, and is 
absorbed by Cousin's " History of Philosophy." " The excite- 
ment of metaphysics must equal almost that of gambling," he 
says. Besides reading books of every sort and size he goes to 
the Louvre, to the Biblioth^que Royalc, looking over the en- 
gravings and copying some of them, and very constantly indeed 
he is at the theatre, where he sees most of the actors, and young 
Mdlle. Mars " playing deliciously in a pretty piece called Valerie,'** 
and Mdlle. D^jazet at the Palais Royal in a piece called Napo- 
leon a Brienne — Napoleon was apparently as much in fashion 
then as now. — At Franconi's they have also a representation of 
the Emperor and all his army. 

Here is a very striking comment upon a contemporary 
event : — 

Paris, August 8, 1832. 

" I read the other day in the papers — ffier S.M. a envoyi 
complimenter PAmbassadeur de VAutricJie sur la mort du Due 
de ReickstadU It is as fine a text for a sermon as any in the 
Bible — this poor young man dying, as many say, of poison, and 
L. P. presenting his compliments on the occasion. Oh, Genius, 
Glory, Ambition — what ought you to learn from this ? and what 
might I not teach, only I am hungry and going — to breakfast !" 

It was in January 1833 that Major Carmichael-Smyth became 
associated with the National Standard and Journal of Litera- 
ture^ Science^ Musicy and the Fine Arts — I have do doubt, partly 



INTRODUCTION xxxi 

a Tiew to give my father an opening in literatare, and also 
to retrieve some heavy losses which had fallen upon them both 
mbont this time; — an Indian bank bad failed, English money 
was mismanaged, and retrenchment became absolutely neces- 
sary. The following letters will show that he was working 
▼ery steadily at journalism for some time besides thinking of 
painting as a profession. The first is written in London to her 
mother at Porchester Terrace, Bayswater : — 

" I have been wanting very much to see you, dearest mother, 
but this paper has kept me so busily at work, that I really and 
truly had no time. 

** I have made a woodcut for it of Louis Philippe, which is 
pretty good ; but have only written nonsense, in the shape of 
reviews. The paper comes out to-morrow afternoon, and then 
I will come up to you with a copy thereof. I have been obliged 
to put off the play and everything else, having actually done 
nothing except work the paper. I send a boy with this, for I 
thought you would be glad to know what my proceedings are. 
Ood bless you, dearest mother ! I send you a couple of maga- 
lines I have received in my new capacity." 

The next letter comes from France again : — 

Paris, July 6, 1833. 

*' It looks well to have a Parisian correspondent, and I think 
that in a month more I may get together stuff enough for the 
next six months. I have been thinking very seriously of turn- 
ing artist ; I think I can draw better than do anything else, and 
certainly like it better than any other occupation ; why shouldnH 
If It requires a three years' apprenticeship, however, which is 
not agreeable, and afterwards the way is clear and pleasant enough. 
Ad artist in this town is by far a more distinguished person than 
a lawyer, and a great deal more so than a clergyman." 

It will be seen that there were different views then about art, 
to those we hold now ; parents have to be convinced by the 
rising generations in turn. 

During these two or three years my father seems to have 



sxiii YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

come and gone constantly from Paris to London, probably oa 
acGonnt of his work for tbe newspapers. 

He writes from the Gairick Clab, on September 6, 1833 : '■ I 
am wanting very mnch to leave this dismal city, dear mother, 
bnt I mnst stay for some time longer, being occupied in writ- 
ing, paffing, Sec, and other delightful employments for the 
Standard. I have had an offer made for a partner, which I 
think I shall accept, but the business cannot be settled for a 
week or ten days. In the meantime I get on as well as 1 can, 
spending my mornings in St. Paul's Churchyard, and my even- 
ings in this Clab, which is a pleasant and cheap place of resort. 
We have, thanks to me and some other individuals, established 
a smoking-room, another great comfort. I am writing on a 
fine, frosty day, which, considering this is tbe height of the 
snmmer, or ought to be, is the more to be appreciated. I find 
a great change between this and Paris, where one makes friends ; 
here, though for the last three years I have lived, I have not 
positively a single female acqaaintance. I shall go back to 
Paris, I think, and marry somebody. There is another evil 
which I complain of, that this system of newspaper writing 
spoils one for every other kind of writing, I am unwilling, now 
more than ever, to write letters to my friends, and always find 





Mr. Pools, Dos Tiusforo di Touchi. Jmn Smm. 

Anther of " P»ul Prj." ■■ Rejected Adtlresses." 

OARRICK CIAIB BEADS. 

myself attempting to make a pert, critical point at the end of a 
sentence. I have jnst had occasion to bid adien to Reguliis ; 
be has been breaking bottles of wine and abstracting liquors 
therefrom, and this after I had given him a coat, a hat, and a 



INTRODUCTION xxiiU 

half-crown to go to Butholomew Fair. He lied stoatly, wept 
much, and contradicted himself more than ODce, so I have been 
obliged to give him Lis eon^e, and am now clerkless. This is, 




I think, the only adventure which has occurred to mc. I have 
been talking of going out of town, but Itt affairttl — as for the 
theatres, thej are tcdions beyond nil liearing, nnd a solitary 
evening in chambera is more dismal still. One has no resource 
but the Club, where, however, there is a tolerably good library 
of renews and a pleasant cnougli society — of artittts of all kinds, 
and gentlemen who drop their absurd English aristocratical no- 
tions. You see by this what I am thinking of — I wish we were 
all in a snug apartment in the Rue de Provence. PitzGerald has 
been in town for a day or two, and I have plenty of his acquaint- 
ances. There are a number of lUHmUurn who frequent this 
Club, and the Nalwnal Standard is, I am happy to say, grow- 
ing into repnte, though I know it is poor stuff. 

" A friend of mine, just come from the country, says be shot 



xxxiv YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

ten brace on the Ist of September ; may father have had as good 
sport. There are lots of partridges here for four shillings a pair. 

These are some of the characters of the Clab ; Smith is very 
like." 

In October he is back in Paris again, and writes to his 
mother : *' I want now to settle, to marry, and then to live in 
the little house in Albion Street, going to church regularly, ris- 
ing early, and walking in the Park with Mrs. T. 

" Then what interesting letters I could write you about Billy's 
progress in cutting his teeth, and Johnny's improvement in spell- 
ing ! As it is, I have nothing earthly to talk about except my- 
self — and I am tired of filling my letters with Ps. 

*' I spend all day now at the Atelier, and am very well satis- 
fied with the progress I make. I think that in a year, were I 
to work hard, I might paint something worth looking at. The 
other men at the Atelier are merry fellows enough, always sing- 
ing, smoking, fencing, and painting very industriously besides. 
Most of them have skill in painting, but no hand for drawing. 
Little Le Portein himself is a wonderful fellow. I never knew 
so young a man paint so well and so rapidly. . . . The artists, 
with their wild ways and their poverty, are the happiest fellows 
in the world. I wish you could see the scene every day in the 
Atelier. Yesterday we had a breakfast for five, consisting of 
five sausages, three loaves, and a bottle of wine, for fifteen sous. 
Afterwards pipes succeeded, and then songs, imitations of all 
the singers in Paris.'' 

It is well known that the Literary Standard did not fly for 
very long. After it was hauled down my father returned to 
Paris, and resumed his painting. He has left us one or two 
sketches of his student life. 

** W. M. T. to Mrs. Carmichael-Smtth. 

**6i.RRXCK Club, December 1833. 
*< I fear, the Xs. pudding must be eaten without me, as my 
assistant, Hume, has gone into the country, and left me to do 
all the work. Now I am anxious that the first number for the 
year should be a particularly good one, and I am going to 
change the name to the Literary Standard, and increase the 
price to 3d., with which alteration I hope to do better. I am 




INTRODUCTION 



Bate we shall be as merry in ihe new house as possible. I be- 
lieve I ODght to thank Heaven for makiDg me poor — it has 
iDiide rac iDUch happier than I should have been with the tDoncy. 
But ibis is a selfish wisti, for I shall now have to palm myself 
on yoa and my father just at the time when 1 ought to be inde- 
pendent." 

At this time be was working with lirine, wIjo whs a neli- 
knowu artist of the dashing, imprestiionist school. 

Tliere is one scene from the Atelier in his note-book wbicb 
mif^ht have been quoted by Mr. du Mauricr in liis " History of 
Trilby": about a girl who would not pose, but instead sang 
songs and cut capers : and this is followed by a description of 




•- artist at the head of the studio, " a venerable man with a 
•"■ t)and of honour, an excellent man 1 am told, a good father of a 
^^inily — but superior to all the rest by the extreme bathos of 
■*i.s blackguardisms. ... It is no wonder that the French are 
^<acb poor painters with all this." 

On June II be writes; "Tuesday the Louvre opened, and I 
t day, and Wednesday, a little copy of Watteau and 



f^f aootber picture. 



It is very pleasant and calm to the e; 



xxxvi YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

to see the old pictures after the flaring gaudy exhibitions, which 
shut up in January. I have been looking with much delight at 
the Paul Veronese, and at some bits of Rubens^s. The Raphaels 
do not strike me more than they did before.*' On another day 
he notes at the Bibliotheque du Roi: *^ Copied and admired 
Lucas van Leyden, a better man, I think, than Albert Durer, and 
mayhap as great a composer as Raphael himself." 

He had been living with his grandmother, Mrs. Butler, most 
of this time, and with various old ladies, her friends and ac- 
quaintances. It is impossible not to be struck by my father's 
patience and dutifnlness, and by the way in which he bore with 
trying tempers and with the infirmities of age and disposition, 
but it can be imagined that this was not a very congenial at- 
mosphere; domestic nerves and squabbles were always in the 
air, and he often thinks with envy of a quiet garret or a silent 
cell to himself. Finally he seems to have accomplished his am- 
bition. 

" This is our last day at Chaillot," he writes, ^* and I am sor- 
ry to leave this most beautiful view, though I shall be happy 
enough in my little den in the Rue des Beaux Arts, where I in- 
tend to work hard, and lead a most pious, sober, and godly 
life ;" and so the journal ends. A great many blank leaves fol- 
low, and a few more accounts, and a new page is turned over. 

III. 

My father has sometimes told me that he lost his heart to 
my mother when he heard her sing ; she had a very sweet 
voice and an exquisite method. 

He was twenty -five when he married, in 1836, and I have 
lately read the register, copied verbatim from the records of the 
French Embassy at Paris, as quoted by Messrs. Merivale & Mar- 
zials. My mother was Isabella Getben Creagh Shawe, daughter 
of Colonel Matthew Shawe; her mother was a Creagh. 

Another important event happened to my father in 1836: a 
second newspaper was started, in which he and his stepfather 
were very much concerned. Major Carmichael- Smyth was 
chairman of a company formed to publish the Constitutional^ 
an ultra-Liberal newspaper, that was to have the support of 



INTRODUCTION xxxvii 

Charles Buller, Sir William Molesworth, and the Radical party. 
By Major Carmichael-Smyth^s interest my father, who had a 
great many shares in the undertaking, was appointed Paris cor- 
respondent, at a salary of £400 a year. It was upon this ap- 
pointment that he married. He had met my mother at his 
grandmother*s— there had been ancient Indian relations between 
the families. 

A recent book of pictures by Mr. Eyre Crowe, R.A., gives a 
charming sketch of the Rue St. Augustin as it was in 1836, 
when my father and my mother lived in that quarter. The New 
Street of the Little Fields was close by with that Restaurant so 
famed for its Bouiile-h-baisMe. In this same book are to be 
found many more of an old friend's remembrances and sketches. 
One is of the house in London in which my parents settled down 
in 1837, in Great Coram Street, out of Brunswick Square. 

The Yellowplush correspondence — one of the earliest of the 
author's contributions to literature — must have been written in 
Great Coram Street. It appeared in Fnuer^s Magazine in 1837. 
It is the first of his writings that was ever published as a book, 
having been brought out, not in England, but in America, in 
1838, by Messrs. E. L. Carey and L. A. ilart, of Philadelphia.^ 
The book was not republished in England until 1841 by Hugh 
Cunningham. 

I hardly know — nor if I knew, should I care to give here — 
the names and the details of the events which suggested some 
of the Yellowplush papers. The history of Mr. Deuceace was 
written from life during a very early period of my father's ca- 
reer. Nor can one wonder that his views were somewhat grim 
at that particular time, and still bore the impress of an expe- 
rience lately and very dearly bought. 

He was naturally trustful, and even enthusiastic, about peo- 
ple who were kind to him; but, as it seems scarcely necessary 
to say, the author of ** Vanity Fair " had a great deal of com- 
mon-sense, and a very rapid perception of facts when they final- 
ly shaped themselves. 

As a boy he had lost money at cards to some card-sharpers 
who scraped acquaintance with him. ile has told us that they 

* Mr. W. H. Larobert, of PhiUdelphia, baa kindly sent a copy of this 
pretty oM-faihioned roloroe. 



xxxviii YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

came and took lodgings opposite to his, on purpose to get hold 
of him. He never blinked at the truth, or spared himself ; but 
neither did he blind himself as to the real characters of the 
people in question, when once he had discovered them. His- 
villains became curious studies in human nature; he turned 
them over in his mind, and he caused Deuceace, Barry Lyndon, 
and Ikey Solomons, Esq., to pay back some of their ill-gotten 
spoils, in an involuntary but very legitimate fashion, when he put 
them into print and made them the heroes of those grim early 
histories. 

<< Major Gahagan " burst into life, boots and all, in Colbum^f 
New Monthly Magazine for 1838. In a frontispiece to '^ Comic 
Tales and Sketches *' are to be found the three portraits of Ma- 
jor Gahagan, De la Pluche, and Michael Angelo Titmarsh, arm 
in arm — *^ They are supposed to be marching hand in hand on 
the very brink of immortality,^' says Mr. Titmarsh in his intro- 
duction. 

Yellowplush, that bird of rare plume, also belongs to this 
same early burst of fun and spring-time. Yellowplush contin- 
ued his literary efforts for some years; but as he went up in 
the world, he became Jeames de la Pluche, Esq. The longest 
lived of the three was Michael Angelo Titmarsh, a life-long 
companion. 

We know that Haroun al Raschid used to like to wander 
about the streets of Bagdad in various disguises, and in the 
same way did the author of ** Vanity Fair " — although he was 
not a Calif — enjoy putting on his various dominos and charac- 
ters. None of these are more familiar than that figure we all 
know so well, called Michael Angelo Titmarsh. No doubt my 
father first made this artist's acquaintance at one of the studios 
in Paris. Very soon Mr. Titmarsh's criticisms began to appear 
in various papers and magazines. He visited the salons as well 
as the exhibitions over here, he drew most of the Christmas 
books, and wrote them too. He had a varied career. One 
could almost write his life. For a time, as we know, he was an 
assistant master at Dr. Birch's Academv. ... He was first cous- 
in to Samuel Titmarsh of the great " Hoggarty Diamond " ; also 
he painted in water-colours. ... To the kingdom of Heaven he 
assuredly belongs ! kindly, humorous, delightful little friend ; 



INTRODUCTION 




xl YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

droll shadow behind which my father loved to shelter himself. 
In Mr. Barriers life of his mother he tells us how she wonders 
that he shoald always write as if he were some one not him- 
self. Sensitive people are glad of a disgnise, and of a familiar 
who will speak their thoughts for them. . . . 

From time to time my father returned from Coram Street to 
Paris for short visits on business or amusement 

It was in Paris in 1838 that he wrote the following letter to 
my mother, part of which I cannot help copying out : — 

'* . . . Here have we been two years married and not a sin- 
gle unhappy day. Oh, I do bless God for all this happiness 
which He has given me. It is so great that I almost tremble 
for the future, except that I humbly hope (for what man is cer- 
tain about his own weakness and wickedness) oar love is strong 
enough to withstand any pressure from without, and as it is a 
gift greater than any fortune, is likewise one superior to pov- 
erty or sickness, or any other worldly evil with which Provi- 
dence may visit us. Let us pray, as I trust there is no harm, 
that none of these may come upon us ; as the best and wisest 
Man in the world prayed that he might not be led into tempta- 
tion. ... I think happiness is as good as prayers, and I feel 
in my heart a kind of overflowing thanksgiving which is quite 
too great to describe in writing. This kind of happiness is 
like a fine picture, you only see a little bit of it when you are 
close to the canvas, go a little distance and then you see how 
beautiful it is. 1 don^t know that I shall have done much 
by coming away, except being so awfully glad to come back 
again. 

" How shall 1 fill this page — I think by Mr. O. R.*s hackney 
coach adventure. He had been to a theatre on the Boulevards, 
and was coming home with a lady. It was midnight, no lamps 
on the Boulevards, no hackney coaches, and pouring cats and 
dogs. At last a man came to him and asked if he wanted a 
coach. Yes, says the cheerful correspondent of the TimeSy and 
in he jumped, he and his fair lady. Well, two men got on the 
box, and when after half-an-hour O. R. ventured to open one of 
the windows, he found they were driving Heaven knows where, 
tearing madly down solitary streets between walls. The more 
he cried out, the more the man would not stop ; and he pulled 



INTRODUCTION xli 

out a penknife, and folding his arm round the waist of Mrs. O. 
R., determined to sell his life at a considerable expense. At 
this instant, honheurl — Providence sent a man into that very 
street, which before or since was never known to echo with a 
mortal footstep. Swift as lightning, the young correspondent 
burst open the door of the coach, and bidding the lady follow, 
sprang out They landed in safety. Down came one of the 
ruffians from the box, when O. R with gigantic force seized his 
arm, uplifted no doubt to murder the gentleman of the press. 
He held him writhing in his iron grip until the stranger ar- 
rived, whom seeing, toother chap on the box flogge<l his horses 
and galloped away in the darkness and solitude. The poor 
wretch, the companion of his guilt, now sunk on his knees, 
when the stranger, looking at him fixedly and fiercely, drew 
from beneath his cloak a . . . This is all. God bless you, 
dearest wife." 

"Paris, March 20, 1888. 

*' There is a chance of £350 a year here. Poor B. is dying, 
and his place is worth as much ; but then I throw away a very 
good position in London, where I can make as much, and a little 
fame into the bargain. My game, as far as I can see it, is to 
stick to the Times, I have just come from seeing * Marion 
Dclorme,* the tragedy of Victor Hugo, and am so sickened and 
disgusted with the horrid piece that I have hardly heart to write. 
The last act ends with an execution, and you are kept a long hour 
listening to the agonies of parting lovers and grim speculations 
about head>chopping, dead bodies, coffins, and what not — I am 
aa sick as if I had taken an emetic. 

^ I have been writing all day, and finished and despatched an 
article for the Times. My next visit will be to the Spanish pict- 
ures, the next to V^ersailles, and on Monday next, please God, I 
will be home. . . . To-day I have been to Versailles, and afterwards 
to the opera — it was a benefit, and all sorts of oddities from all 
sorts of theatres were played — everything intolerably tedious, ex- 
cept an act from a very old opera, * Orpheus,' by Gluck, which 
was neither more nor less than sublime. Dupre is the most de- 
lightful tenor I ever heard, with a simplicity of voice and method 
qnite delicious, as good as Rubini, without his faults, singing 
his notes steadily with no trick or catches or quavers and such 



^lii YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS 

music ; like very fine Mozart, so simple and melodious, that bv 
all the gods I have never heard anything like it 

** The Versailles gallery is a humbug — a hundred gilded rooms 
•with looking-glasses and carved ceilings, and 2000 bad pictures 
io ornament them." 

Readers of the ** Paris Sketch Book " will perhaps remember 
the striking passage which concludes the paper entitled ** Medi- 
Jtations at Versailles." 

A.I. R. 



THE HISTORY OF 



SAMUEL TITMARSH 



AND 



THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 



THE HISTORY OF 



SAMUEL TITMARSH 



AND 



THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 



CHAPTER I 

GIVES AX ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE ASD THE FIRST 

GLIMPSE OF THE DL4MOSD 

WHEN I came up to town for my second year, my aunt 
Hoggarty made me a present of a diamond-pin ; that is to 
say, it was not a diamond-pin then, but a lax^ge old-fashioned 
locket, of Dublin manufacture in the year 1795, which the late Mr. 
Hoggarty used to sport at the Lord Lieutenant's balls and elsewhere. \ 
He wore it, he said, at the battle of Vinegar Hill, when his club ,^ 
pigtail saved his head from being taken off, — but that is neither ^ 
here nor there. 

In the middle of the brooch w&s Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform 
of the corps of Fencibles to which he belonged ; anmnd it were 
thirteen locks of hair, belonging to a baker's dozen of sisters that 
the okl gentleman had ; and as all these little ringlets partook of 
the fiunily hue of brilliant auburn, Hoggarty's portrait seemed to 
the fanciful view like a great fat red round of beef surrounded by 
thirteen carrots. These were dishe<l up on a plate of blue enamel, 
and it was from the Great Hoggarty Diamond (as we called it 
in the &mily) that the collection of hairs in question seemed as it 
were to spring. 

My aunt, I need not say, is rich ; and I thought I might be her 
heir as well as another. During my month's holiday, she was par- 
ticularly pleased with me ; made me drink tea with her often 
(though there was a certain person in the village with whom on 
those golden summer evenings I should have like<l to have taken 
a stroll in the hajrfields) ; promised every time I drank her bohea 



4 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

to do Bomethiiig handBome for me when I went back to town, — 
nay, three or four times had me to dinner at three, and to whist or 
cribbage afterwards. I did not care for the cards ; for though we 
always played seven hours on a stretch, and I always lost, my losings 
were never more than nineteenpence a night : but there was some 
infernal sour black-currant wine, that the old lady always pro- 
duced at dinner, and with the tray at ten o'clock, and which I 
dared not refuse ; though upon my word and honour it made me 
very unwelL 

Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my port, and 
my aunt's repeated promises, that the old lady would at least make 
me a present of a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the 
drawer); and so convinced was I that some such present was in- 
tended for me, that a young lady by the name of Miss Mary Smith, 
with whom I had conversed on the subject, actually netted me a 
little green silk purse, which she gave me (behind Hicks's hayrick, 
as you turn to the right up Churchyard Lane) — which she gave me, 
I say, wrapped up in a bit of silver paper. There was something 
in the purse, too, if the truth must be known. First there was a 
thick curl of the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in your life, and 
next there was threepence: that is to say, the half of a silver 
sixpence hanging by a little necklace of blue riband. Ah, but I 
knew where the o^er half of the sixpence was, and envied that 
happy bit of silver ! 

The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote 
to Mrs. Hoggorty. My aunt was excessively gracious ; and by way 
of a treat brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of 
which she made me drink the greater part. At night when all the 
ladies assembled at her party had gone off with their pattens and 
their maids, Mrs. Hoggarty, who had made a signal to me to stay, 
first blew out three of the wax candles in the drawing-room, and 
taking the fourth in her hand, went and unlockeil her escritoire. 

I can tell you my heart beat, though I pretended to look quite 
unconcerned. 

*' Sam, my dear,'' said she, as she was fumbling with her keys, 
'* take another glass of Rosolio " (that was the name by which she 
baptized the cursed beverage) : "it will do you good." I took it, 
and you might have seen my hand tremble as the bottle went click 
— click against the glass. By the time I had swallowed it, the old 
lady had finished her operations at the bureau, and was coming 
towards me, the wax candle bobbiug in one hand and a large parcel 
in the other. 

" Now's the time," thought I. 

"Samuel, my dear nephew," said she, "your first name you 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 5 

receiyed from your sainted uncle, my blessed husband ; and of all 
my nephews and nieces, you are the one whose conduct in life has 
most pleased me." 

When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven 
married sisters, that all the Hoggarties were married in Ireland and 
mothers of numerous children, I must say that the compliment my 
aunt paid me was a very handsome one. 

" Dear aunt," says I, in a slow agitated voice, ** I have often 
heard you say there were seventy-three of us in all, and believe me 
I do think your high opinion of me very complimentary indeed : I'm 
unworthy of it — indeed I am." 

"As for those odious Irish people," says my aunt, rather 
sharply, ** don't speak of them ; I hate them, and every one of their 
mothers " (the fiict is, there hiid been a lawsuit about Hpggarty's 
property) ; " but of all my other kindred, you, Samuel, have been 
the most dutiful and affectionate to me. Yoiu* employers in London 
give the best accounts of your regularity and good conduct. Though 
jTou have had eighty pounds a year (a liberal salary), you have not 
spent a shilling more than your income, as other young men would ; 
and you have devoted your month's holidays to your old aunt, who, 
I assure you, is gratefid." 

" Oh, mu'am ! " said I. It was oil that I could utter. 

" Samuel," continue<l she, " I promised you a present, and here 
it la. I first thought of giving you money ; but you are a regular 
latl ; and don't want it. You are above money, dear Samuel I 
give you what I value most in life — the p, — the po, the po-ortrait 
of my sainted Hoggorty " (tears)^ '* set in the locket which contains 
the valuable diamond that you have often heard me speak of. Wear 
It, dear Sam, for my sake ; and think of that angel in heaven, and 
of your dear Aunt Susy." 

She put the machine into my hands: it was about the size of the 
lid of a shaving-box : and I should as soon have thought of wear- 
ing it as of wearing a cocke<l-hat and pigtail. I was so disgusted 
and disappointed that I really could not get out a sin^de word. 

When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the 
locket out of the bit of paper (the locket indeed ! it was as big oa 
a barndoor padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt. *' Thank 
you, aunt," said I, with ailmirable raillery. " I shall always value 
this present for the sake of you, who gave it me ; and it will recall 
to me my uncle, and my thirteen aunts in Ireland" 

" I don't want you to wear it in thai way ! " shrieked Mrs. 
Hoggarty, "with the hair of those odious carroty women. You 
must have their hair removed." 

'* Then the locket will be spoiled, aunt." 



6 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

" Well, sir, never mind the locket ; have it set afresh." 

'* Or suppose," said I, " I put aside the setldng altogether : it is 
a little too laige for the present fashion ; and have the portrait of 
my unde framed and phioed over my chimney-piece, next to yours. 
It's a sweet miniature." 

"That miniature," said Mrs. Hoggarty solemnly, "was the 
great Mulcahy's chef-dceuvre " (pronoimced thy denwer, a favourite 
word of my aunt's ; being, with the words hongUmg and ally mode 
de Parry, the extent of her French vocabulary). " You know the 
dreadful story of that poor poor artist When he had finished that 
wonderful likeness for the late Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, 
county Mayo, she wore it in her bosom at the Lord Lieutenant's 
ball, where she played a game of piquet with the Conmiander-iR- 
Chief What could have made her put the hair of her vulgar 
daughters round Mick's portrait, I can't tliink ; but so it was, as 
you see it this day. * Madam,' says the Commander-in-Chie^ 'if 
that is not my friend Mick Hoggarty, I'm a Dutchman ! ' Those 
were his Lordship's very words. Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty 
took off the brooch and showed it to him. 

" * Who is the artist 1 ' says my Lord. * It's the most wonderful 
likeness I ever saw in my life ! ' 

" * Mulcahy,' says she, * of Ormond's Quay.' 

" *' Begad, I patronise him ! ' says my Lord ; but presently his 
face darkened, and he gave back the picture with a dissatisfied air. 
* There is one fault in that portrait,' said his Lordship, who was 
a rigid disciplinarian ; ' and I wonder that my friend Mick, as a 
military man, should have overlooked it' 

" * What's that ? ' says Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty. 

"* Madam, he has been painted without his sword-belt!' 
And he took up the cards again in a passion, and finished the game 
without saying a single word. 

" The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that 
unfortunate artist went mad immediately I He had set his whole 
reputation upon this miniature, and declared that it should be fault- 
less. Such was the effect of the announcement upon his susceptible 
heart! When Mrs. Hoggarty died, your uncle took the portrait 
and always wore it himself His sisters said it was for the sake 
of the diamond ; whereas, ungrateful things ! it was merely on 
account of their hair, and his love for the fine arts. As for the 
I)oor artist, my dear, some people said it was the profuse use of 
spirit that brought on delirium tremens; but I don't believe it 
Take another glass of Roeolio." 

The telling of this story always put my aunt into great good- 
humour, and she promised at the end of it to pay for the new 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 7 

settiiig of the diamond; desiring me to take it on my arrival in 
London to the great jeweller, Mr. Poloiuus, aad send her the bilL 
" The fia^ct is," said she, " that the goold in which the thing is set 
is worth five gtuneas at the very least, and you can have the 
diamond reset for twa However, keep the remainder, dear Sam, 
and buy yourself what you please with it." 

With this the old lady bade me adieu. The clock was striking 
twelve as I walked down the village, for the story of Mulcahy 
always took an hour in the telling, and I went away not quite so 
down-hearted as when the present was first made to me. "After 
all," thought I, " a diamond-pin is a handsome thing, and will give 
me a distingue air, though my clothes be never so shabby " — and 
shabby they were without any doubt "Well," I said, "three 
guineas, which I shall have over, will buy me a couple of pairs of 
whatrd'ye-call-'ems ; " of which, entre nous, I was in great want, 
having just then done growing, whereas my pantaloons were made 
a good eighteen months before. 

Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches 
pockets ; I had poor Mary's purse there, having removed the little 
things which she gave me the day before, and placed them — never 
mind where: but look you, in those days I had a heart, and a 
warm one too. I had Mary's purse ready for my aunt's dona- 
tion, which never came, and with my own little stock of money 
besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty's card parties had lessened by a good 
five-and-twenty shillings, I calculated that, after paying my fare, 
I should get to town with a couple of seven-shilling pieces in my 
pocket 

I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace ; so quick that, 
if the thing had been possible, I should have overtaken ten o'clock 
that had passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to 
Mrs. H.'s long stories over her terrible Rosolio. The truth is, at 
ten I had an appointment under a certain person's window, who 
was to have been looking at the moon at that hour, with her pretty 
quilled nightcap on, and her bles8e<l hair in papers. 

There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it ; 
and though I hemmed and hawe<l, and whistled over the garden 
paling, and sang a song of which Somebody was very fond, and 
even threw a pebble at the window, which hit it exactly at the 
opening of the lattice, — I woke no one except a great brute of a 
house-dog, that yelled, and howled, and bounced so at me over the 
rails, that I thought every moment he would have had my nose 
between his teeth. 

So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be ; and the next 
morning roam ma and my sisters made breakfast for me at four, and 



8 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

at five came the " True Blue " light six-inside post-coach to London, 
and I got up on the roof without having seen Mary Smith. 

As we passed the house, it did seem as if the window curtain 
in her room was drawn aside just a little bit Certainly the 
window was open, and it had been shut the night before : but away 
went the coach ; and the village, cottage, and the churchyard, and 
Hicks's hayricks were soon out of sight. 

• •...•• 

" My hi, what a pin ! " said a stable-boy, who was smoking a 
cigar, to the guard, looking at me and putting his finger to his 
nose. 

The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt's party ; 
and being uneasy in mind and having all my clothes *to pack up, 
and thinking of something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty^s 
brooch, which I had stuck into my shirt-firill the night before. 



CHAPTER II 

TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND 
PRODUCES WONDERFUL EFFECTS BOTH 2N THE CITY AND 
AT THE WEST END 

THE circumstances recorded in this story took place some score 
of years ago, when, as the reader may remember, there was 
a great mania in the City of London for establishing com- 
panies of all sorts ; by which many people made pretty fortunes. 

I was at this period, as the tnith must be known, thirteenth 
clerk of twenty-foiu: young gents who did the immense business of 
the Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insiuance Company, 
at their splendid stone mansion in ConihiU. Mamma had sunk a 
sum of four hundred pounds in the purchase of an annuity at this 
office, which paid her no less than six-and-thirty {)ounds a year, 
when no other company in London would give her more than 
twenty-four. The chairman of the directors was the great Mr. 
Brou^ of the house of Brough and HofT, Crutched Friars, Turkey 
merchants. It was a new house, but did a tremendous business in 
the fig and sponge way, and more in the Zante ciurrant line than 
any other firm in the City. 

Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and 
you saw his name for hundreds at the head of every charitable 
society patronised by those good j>eople. He had nine clerks residing 
at his office in Crutched Friars ; he would not take one without a 
certificate from the schoolmaster and clerg>'man of his native place, 
strongly vouching for his morals and doctrine ; and the places were 
■o run after, that he got a premium of four or five hundred ]>ounds 
with each young gent, whom he made to slave fur ten hours a day, 
and to whom in com{)eusation he taught all the mysteries of the 
Turkish business. He was a great man on 'CLonge, too ; and our 
young chaps used to hear from the stockbrokers' clerks (we commonly 
tlined together at the " Cock and WooljMick," a resjiectable house, 
where you get a capital cut of meat, bread, vegetables, cheese, half 
a pint of porter, and a penny to the waiter, for a shilling) — the 
joong stockbrokers used to tell us of immense liargains in Spanish, 
Greek, and Columbians, that Brough made. Holf liad nothing to 



lo THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

do with them, bat stopped at home minding exclusively the bnsineBB 
of the house. He was a young chap, very quiet and steady, of the 
Quaker persuasion, and had been taken into partnership by Brou^ 
for a matter of thirty thousand pounds : and a very good baigain 
too. I was told in the strictest C9nfidence that the house one year 
with another divided a good seven thousand pounds: of which 
Brough had half, Hoff two-sixths, and the other sixth went to old 
Tudlow, who had been Mr. Brough's clerk before the new partner- 
ship b^an. Tudlow always went about very shabby, and we 
thought him an old miser. One of our gents. Bob Swinney by 
name, used to say that Tudlow's share was all nonsense, and that 
Brough had it all ; but Bob was always too knowing by half^ used 
to wear a green cutaway coat, and had his free admission to Covent 
Garden Theatre. He was always talking down at the shop, as we 
called it (it wasn't a shop, but as splendid an office as any in Comhill) 
— ^he was always talking about Vestris and Miss Tree, and singing 

" The bramble, the bramble, 
The jolly jolly bramble ! '* 

one of Charles Kemble's £unous songs in '' Maid Marian '' ; a play 
that was all the rage then, taken from a fiunous story-book by one 
Peacock, a clerk in the India House; and a precious good place 
he has too. 

When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused hini, and had 
his admission to the theatre, he came one day down to the office 
where we all were, foiu"-and-twenty of us, and made one of the most 
beautiful speeches I eyer heard in my life. He said that for slander 
he did not care, contumely was the lot of every public man who had 
austere principles of his own, and acted by them austerely ; but 
what he did care for was the character of every single gentleman 
forming a part of the Independent West Diddlesex Association. 
The welfare of thousands was in their keeping ; millions of money 
were daily passing through their hands; the City — the country 
looked upon them for order, honesty, and good example. And if he 
foimd amongst those whom he considere<l as his children — those 
whom he loved as his own flesh and blood — that that order was 
departed from, that that regularity was not maintained, that that 
good example was not kept up (Mr. B. always spoke in this 
emphatic way) — ^if he found his children departing from the whole- 
some rules of morality, religion, and decorum — if he found in high 
or low — in the head clerk at six hundred a year down to the porter 
who cleaned the steps — if he found the slightest taint of dissipation, 
he would cast the offender from him — yea, though he were his own 
son, he would cast him from him ! 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND ii 

As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who 
didn't know what was coming, looked at each other as pale as 
pannips: all except Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, antPnSSde 
beiieTe to whistle. When Mr. B. had wiped his eyes and recovered 
himself, he turned round; and oh, how my heart thumped as he 
looked me full in the &ce ! How it was relieved, though, when he 
shouted out in a thundering voice — 

•* Mr. Robert Swinney ! " 

" Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and Bome of the 
chaps began to titter. 

" Bir. Swinney ! " roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than 
before, " when you came into this office — this family, sir, for such it 
is, as I am proud to say — you found three-and-twenty as pious and 
well-regulated young men as ever laboured together — as ever had 
confided to them the wealth of this mighty capital and famous 
empire. You found, sir, Bobriety, regularity, and decorum; no 
prc^Guie Bongs were uttered in tliis place sacred to — to business ; no 
slanders were whispered against the heads of the establishment — 
but over them I pass: I can affonl, sir, to pass them by — no 
worldly conversation or foul jesting disturbed the attention of these 
gentlemen, or desecrated the peaceful scene of their labours. You 
found Christians and gentlemen, sir ! " 

" I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney. " Didn't 
my governor take sha 1" 

"Silence, sir! Your worthy &ther did take shares in this 
establishment, which will yield him one day an immense profit. 
He did take shares, sir, or you never would have been here. I 
glory in saying that every one of my young friends around roe has a 
fiither, a brother, a dear relative or friend, who is connected in a 
similar way with our glorious enterprise ; and that not one of them 
is there but has an interest in procuring, at a liberal commission, 
other persons to join the ranks of our Association. But, sir, I am 
its chief You will find, sir, your appointment signed by me ; and 
in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. €ro from us, sir ! — leave 
OS— quit a fiunily that can no longer receive you in its bosoro ! Mr. 
Swinney, I have wept — I have prayed, sir, before I came to this 
determination ; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved. DejHirt 
fimn oui o/us !^^ 

** Not without three months' salarv, though, Mr. B. : that cock 

I't fight ! " 
They shall be paid to your father, sir." 
My fiither be hanged ! I tell you what, Brough, Fm of age ; 
and if you don't pay roe my salary, HI arrest you, -by Jingo, I 
vin ! Yfl have you in quod, or my name's not Bob Swinney ! " 






12 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

"Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' 
salaiy of this perverted young man." 

" Twenty-one pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp ! " 
cried out that audacious Swinney. "There it is, sir, re-ceipted. 
You needn't cross it to my banker's. And if any of you gents like 
a glass of punch this evening at eight o'clock. Bob Swinney's your 
man, and nothing to pay. If Bir. Brough wotUd do me the honour 
to come in and take a whack? Come, don't say no, if you'd 
rather not ! " 

We couldn't stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing 
like mad. 

" Leave the room ! " yelled Mr. Brough, whose &ce had turned 
quite blue ; and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled 
away with his '' tile," as he called it, very much on one side. When 
he was gone, Bir. Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all 
determined to profit ; and going up to Roimdhand's desk put his 
arm round his neck, and looked over the ledger. 

" What money has been paid in to-day, Roimdhand 1 " he said, 
in a very kind way. 

" The widow, sir, came with her money ; nine hundred and 
four ten and six — say j£904, lOs. 6d. Captain Sparr, sir, paid his 
shares up ; grumbles, though, and says he's no more : fifty shares, 
two instalments — three fifties, sir." 

" He's always grumbling ! " 

" He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until our 
dividend day." 

" Any more ? " 

Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen 
hundred pounds in all. We were doing a fieunous business now ; 
though when I came into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and 
joke, and read the newspapers all day; bustling into our seats 
whenever a stray customer came. Brougli never cared about our 
laughing and singing tkeny and was hand and glove with Bob 
Swinney; but that was in early times, before we were well in 
harness. 

" Nineteen hundred poimds, and a thousand pounds in shares. 
Bravo, Roundhand — bravo, gentlemen ! Remember, every share 
you bring in brings you five per cent, down on the nail ! Look 
to your friends — stidc to your desks — be regular — I hope none 
of you forget church. Who takes Mr. Swinney's place ? " 

" Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir." 

" Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, sir : 
you are now twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary is 
consequently increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 13 

mother, sir — your dear and excellent parent? In good health, I 
tmat ? And long — long, I fervently pray, may this office continue 
to pay her annuity ! Remember, if she has more money to lay out, 
there is higher interest than the last for her, for she is a year older ; 
and five per cent for you, my boy ! Why not you as well as 
another t Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound note 
does no harm. Does it, Mr. Abednego ] " 

''Oh no ! " says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was 
the chap that informed against Swinncy ; and he began to laugh, as 
indeed we all did whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke : 
not that they were jokes ; only we used to know it by his face. 

"Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on 
business. Mrs. Brough wants to know why the deuce you never 
come down to Fulham." 

" Law, that's very polite ! " said Mr. Roundhand, quite pleased. 

'* Name your day, my boy ! Say Saturday, and bring your night- 
cap with you." 

" You*re very polite, I'm sure. I should be delighted beyond 
anything, but " 

" But — no buts, my boy ! Hark ye ! the Chancellor of the 
Exchequer does me the honour to dine with us, and I want you to 
see him ; for the truth is, I have bragged about you to his Lonlsliip 
as the best actuary in the three kingdoms." 

Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as that, tliough 
he had told us how Mrs. R and he were going to pass Saturday and 
Sunday at Putney ; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow 
led, were sure that the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his 
lady when she heard what was going on. She disliked Mrs. Brough 
very much, that was the fact ; because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, 
and said she didn't know where Pentonvillc was, and coiUdn't call on 
Mrs. Roundhand. Though, to be sure, lier coachman might have 
found out the way. 

" And oh, Roundhand ! " continue<l our govenior, " draw a cheque 
for seven hundred, will you ! Come, don't stare, man ; I'm not going 
to run away ! That's right, — seven hun(lre<l — and ninety, say, while 
yoo're about it ! Our boon! meets on Satunlay, and never fear I'll 
account for it to them before I drive vou down. We sliall take up 
tlie ChanceUor at Whitehall." 

So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the chc(|ue, and shaking hands 
with Mr. Roundhand very coniially, got into his carriage-aud-four 
(be always drove four horses even in the City, where it's so difficidt), 
which was waiting at the office-door for Iiim. 

Bob Swinney used to say that he chai-ged two of the horses to 
the Cooipany ; but there was never believing half of what that Bob 



f 



14 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

said, he used to laugh and joke so. I don't know how it waa, but 
I and a gent by the name of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived 
together with me in Salisbury Square, Fleet Street — where we 
occupied a very genteel two-pair — found our flute duet rather tire- 
some that evening, and as it was a very fine night, strolled oat for 
a walk West End way. When we arrived opposite Covent Garden 
Theatre we found ourselves close to the " Globe Tavern,'' and recol- 
lected Bob Swinney's hospitable invitation. We never fancied that 
he had meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as 
well look in : at any rate there could be no harm in doing so. 

There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he 
would be, we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of 
a great smoke of cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and bang- 
ing away at the table with the bottoms of their glasses. 

What a shout they made as we came in ! " Hurray ! " says Bob, 
" here's two more ! Two more chairs, Mary, two more tumblers, 
two more hot waters, and two more goes of gin ! Who would have 
thought of seeing Tit, in the name of goodness ? " 

" Why," said I, " we only came in by the merest chance." 

At this word there was another tremendous roar : and it Lb a 
positive &ct, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by 
chance ! However, chance gave us a very jovial night ; and that 
hospitable Bob Swinney paid every shilling of the score. 

" Grentlemen ! " says he, as he paid the bill, " I'll give you the 
health of John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the present 
of £21, 5s. which he made me this morning. What do I say — 
£21, 58.? That and a month's salary that I should have had to 
pay — forfeit — down on the nail, by Jingo ! for leaving tlie shop, as 
I intended to do to-morrow morning. I've got a place — a tiptop 
place, I tell you. Five guineas a week, six journeys a year, my 
own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of England in oil and 
spermaceti. Here's concision to gas, and the health of Messrs. 
Gann & Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London ! " 

I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex 
Insurance Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though 
the real names are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, 
as you may be sure), because the fate of me and my diamond pin 
was mysteriously bound up \\ith both : as I am about to show. 

You must know that I was rather respected amon^ our gents 
at the West Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most 
of them ; had received a classical education ; and especially because 
I had a rich aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be con- 
fessed, I used to boast a good deal There is no harm in being 
respected in this world, as I have found out; and if you don't 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 15 

biBj^ a little for ^ounelf, depend on it there is no person of your 
aoquaintanoe who unST teU the world of your merits, and take the 
trouble off your hands. 

So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, 
and took my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window 
that looks into Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the follows know 
that Mrs. Hoggarty, though she had not given me a laige sum of 
money, as I expected — indeed, I had promised a dozen of them a 
treat down the river, should the promised riches have come to me 
— I let them know, I say, that though my aunt liad not given me 
any money, she had given me a splendid diamond, worth at least 
thirty guineas, and that some day I would sport it at the shop. 

'* Oh, let's see it ! '' says Abednego, whose &ther was a mock- 
jewel and gold-lace mercliant in Hanway Yard; and I promised 
that he should have a sight of it as soon as it was set As my 
pocket-money was run out too (by coach-hire to and from home, 
five shillings to our maid at home, ten to my aunt's maid and man, 
five-and-twenty shillings lost at whist, as I sai<l, and fifteen-and-six 
paid for a silver scissors for the dear little fingers of Somebody), 
Roundhand, who was very good-natiu^, asked me to dine, and 
advanced me X7, Is. 84I., a month's salary. It was at Roundhand's 
house, Myddelton Square, Pentonvillc, over a fillet of veal and 
bacon and a glass of ix)rt, that I leamcil and saw how liis wife 
Ul-treated him ; as I have tol<l before. Pcjur fellow ! — we under- 
clerks all thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by one s self,| 
and have X50 per month, as Roundhand ha<l ; but I've a notioi 
that Hoskins and I, blowing duets on the flute together in 01 
second floor in Salisbury Square, were a great deal more at 
than our head — and more in harmony, too ; thougli we made 
work of the music, certainly. 

One day Gus Hoskins and I askeil leave from Roundliand to be 
off at three o'clock, as we hatl jtarticular OusineM at the West End 
He knew it was about the great Hoggarty diamond, an<l gave us 
permission; so off we set When we reached St. Martin's Lane, 
Gus got a cigar, to give himself as it were a distiiKju^ air, and 
puffed at it all the way up tlie Lane, and througli the alleys into 
Coventry Street, wlicre Mr. Polonius s shop is, a« everybody knows. 

The door was open, and a numlHT of carriages full of ladies were 
drawing up and setting down. Gus kept Ids luinds in hiH ]K>cket8 
— trouieri were worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon- 
holes for your bcwts, or Bluchers, to come through (the fashionables 
wofe boots, but we cha^is in tlie City, on £80 a year, contented 
oarselves with Bluchers) ; and aa-Gua atretched out Ins pantaloons 
as wide as he could from his hips, and kept blowing away at his 



i6 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

chero ot, and d agap^ag^ with the iron heels of his boota^-iUidLJi^ 
vel5^1ai^ wIusEeis foFso'ydnBg^^'lnan, he really look ed quite t he 
genteel thing, and was ttJi^n by everybody to be"a pCTson of 
oonsideratioD. 

He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring 
at the gold pots and kettles in the window outside. I went in ; 
and after a little hemming and hawing — for I had never been at 
such a fashionable place beforo — ^asked one of the gentlemen to let 
me speak to Mr. Polonius. 

"What can I do for you, sirl" says Mr. Polonius, who was 
standing close by, as it happened, serving three ladies, — a very old 
one and two young ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very 
attentively. 

" Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, " this 
jewel has, I believe, been in your house before : it belonged to my 
aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty." The old lady standing 
near looked round as I spoke. 

" I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year 
1795," said Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect every- 
thing; "and a silver punch-ladle to the Captain. How is the 
Major — Colonel — Oeneral — eh, sir ? " 

"The General," said I, "I am sorry to say" — though I was 
quite proud that this man of fashion should address me so — " Mr. 
Hoggarty is — no more. My aunt has made me a present, however, 
of this — this trinket — which, as you see, contains her husband's 
portrait, that I will thank you, sir, to preserve for me very carefidly ; 
and she wishes that you would set this diamond neatly." 

" Neatly and handsomely, of coiu^se, sir." 

"Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account 
to her. There is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, 
of course, you will make an allowance." 

" To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing, 
and looking at the jewel. "It's a wonderful piece of goods, 
certainly," said he; "though the diamomUs a neat little bit, 
certainly. Do, my Lady, look at it. The thing is of Irish manu- 
&cture, bears the stamp of '95, and will recall perhaps the times of 
your Ladyship's earliest youth." 

" Get ye out, Mr. Polonius ! " said the old lady, a little wizen- 
feced old lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles. 
" How dar you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like 
me ] Wasn't I fifty years old in '95, and a grandmother in '96 1 " 
She put out a pair of withered trembling hands, took up the locket, 
examined it for a minute, and then biu^t out laughing : " As I live, 
it's the great Hoggarty diamond ! " 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 17 

Good heavens ! what was this talisman that had come into my 
{XMsession? 

" Look, girls," continued the old lady : " this is the great jewl 
of all Ireland. This red-faced man in the middle is poor Mick 
Hoggarty, a cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year 
'84, when I had just lost your poor dear grandpapa. These thirteen 
sthreamers of red hair represent his thirteen celebrated sisters, — 
Biddy, Minny, Thetiy, Widdy (short for Williamina), Freddy, Irzy, 
Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, Nell, and Bell — all married, all 
ugly, and all carr'ty hair. And of which are you the son, young 
man t — though, to do you justice, you're not like the family." 

Two pretty yoimg ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes 
at me, and waited for an answer : which they would have had, only 
the uld lady began rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen 
ladies above name<i, and all their lovers, all their disap])ointment8, 
and all the duels of Mick Hoggarty. She was a chronicle of fifty- 
years-old scandal At lust she was interrupted by a violent fit of 
coughing ; at the conclusion of which Mr, Polonius very respectfully 
asked me where he should send the pin, and whether I would like 
the hair kept 

" No," says I, " never mind the hair." 

" And the pin, sir ? " 

I had felt ashameil about telling my address : '' But, hang it ! " 
thought I, " why should 1 1 — 

' A king can make a lilted knight, 
A marquem, duke, and a' that ; 
An honest man's abuno his might— 
Gude faith, ho canna fa' that.' 



Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live ? " 

"Sir," says I, "have the goodness to sencl the parcel, when 
done, to Mr. Titnuirsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury S(iuare, near 
St. Bride's Church, Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the two- 
pair belL" 

" Whatf sir 1 " said Mr. Polonius. 

'*HmU!'' shriekeil the old Imly. "Mr. Hwat? Mais, ma 
ch^re, c'est im payable. Come along — here's the carr'agi* ! Give 
me your arm, Mr. Hwat, and get inside, and tell me all about your 
thirteen aunts." 

She seized on my ell)ow and hobble<l through tlie shop as fut 
as possible ; the young ladies following her, lau^^hin;:. 

" Now, jump in, do you hear ? " said she, poking her sharp 
out of the window. 

** I can't, ma'am," says I ; " I have a friend." 



i8 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

** Pooh, pooh ! Bend 'um to the juice, and jump in ! " And 
before ahnost I could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow- 
pluflh breeches pushed me up the steps and banged the door to. 

I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at 
Hoskins, and never shall foiget his figure. There stood Gkis, his 
mouth wide open, his eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, 
wondering with all his might at the strange thing that had just 
happened to me. 

*' Who is that Titmarsh ] " says Gus : *' there's a coronet on the 
carriage, by Jingo ! " 



CHAPTER III 

HOJF THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A 
MAGNIFICENT CHARIOT, AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD 
LUCK 

I SAT on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young 
lady, about my dear Mary's age — that is to say, seventeen and 
three-quarters; and opposite us sat the old Countess and her 
other granddaughter — handsome too, but ten years older. I re- 
collect I had on that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen 
trousers, a white sprig waistcoat, and^ne of Pan da's silk h ats, that 
had just come in in the year '22, and looked a great deal more 
glossy than the best beaver. 

" And who was that hi(|jus manster " — that was the way her 
La/dyship pronounced, — "that ojous vulgar wretch, witli the iron 
heels to his boots, and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neck- 
chain, who steered at us so as we got into the carriage ] " 

How she should have known that Gus's cluun was mosaic, I 
can't tell ; but so it was, and we had bought it for five-an<l-twenty 
an<l sixpence only the week before at MThail's, in St. Paul's 
Churchyard. But I did not like to hear my friend abused, and so 
•poke out for him — 

" Ma'am," says I, ^* that young gentleman's name is Augustus 
Hoskins. We live together; and a better or more kind-hearted 
fellow does not exist." 

"You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said 
the second lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but 
whom the grandmamma calle<l Lady Jene. 

" Well, upon me canseien(»e, so he is now, Lady Jene ; and 
I like sper't in a young man. So his name is Hoskins, is it 1 I 
know, my dears, all the Hoskinses in England. There are the 
lancolnshire Hoskinses, the Shropshire Hoskinses : they say the 
Admiral's daughter, Bell, was in love with a black footman, or 
boatswain, or some such thin^c; but the worlds m censorious. 
There's old Doctor Hoskins of Bath, who attende<l ]M>or dear Drum 
in the quinsy ; and poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty General : 
I remember liim as thin as a lath in the year '84, and as active 



t^ 



20 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

as a harlequin, and in love with me — oh, how he was in love 
with me ! " 

"You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, 
grandmamma 7 " said Lady Jane. 

" Hundreds, my dear, — hundreds of thousands. I was the toast 
of Bath, and a great beauty, too: would you ever have thought 
it now, upon your conscience and without flattery, Mr.-arWhat-d'ye- 
call-'im ] " 

'^ Indeed, ma'am, I never should,'' I answered, for the old lady 
was as ugly as possible; and at my saying this the two young 
ladies began screaming with laughter, and I saw the two great- 
whiskered footmen grinning over the back of the carriage. 

" Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What's-your-name 
— mighty candid indeed; but I like candour in young people. 
But a beauty I was. Just ask your friend's imcle the Creneral. 
He's one of the Lincolnshire Hoskinses — I knew he was by the 
strong family likeness. Is he the eldest son ? It's a pretty property, 
though sadly encumbered ; for old Sir Greoige was the diwle of 
a man — a ^end of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and those 
horrid, monstrous, ojous people ! How much will he have now, 
mister, when the Admiral dies ? " 

" Why, ma'am, I can't say ; but the Admiral is not my friend's 
father." 

"Not his &ther? — but he is, I tell you, and I'm never wrong. 
Who is his father, then ] " 

" Ma'am, Gus's fother's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow 
Hill — a very respectable house, ma'am. But Gus is only third 
son, and so can't expect a great share in the property." 

The two young ladies smiled at this — the old lady said "Hwati" 

" I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, " for not being ashamed of 
your friends, whatever their rank of life may be. Shall we have 
the pleasure of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh ] " 

" Noways particular, my Lady," says I. " We have a holiday 
at our office to-day — at least Roundhand gave me and Gus leave ; 
and I shall be very happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, 
if it's no offence." 

" I'm siu« it will give us — infinite pleasure," said Lady Jane ; 
though rather in a grave way. 

"Oh, that it will!" says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: 
"won't it, grandmamma? And after we liave been in the Park, 
we can walk in Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good 
enough to accompany us." 

" Indee<l, Fanny, we will do no such thing," says Lady Jane. 

" Indeed, but we will, though ! " shrieked out Lady Drum. 



N 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 21 

"Ain't I dying to know everything about his uncle and thirteen 
aunts? and you're all chattering so, you young women, that not 
a blessed syllable will you allow me or my young friend here to 
speak." 

Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say 
a single word more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young 
kitten (if I may be allowed so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, 
and blushed, and giggled, and seemed quite to ei\joy her sister's 
ill-humour. And the Countess began at once, and entered into 
the hidtory of the thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which was not near 
finished when we entered the Park. 

When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horse- 
back came to the carriage and talked to the ladies. They had their 
joke for Lady Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way ; 
their bow for Lady Jane; and, the young ones especially, their 
compliment for Lady Fanny. 

Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady 
Fanny seemed to be thinking of something else ; for she kept her 
head out of the carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if 
she expected to see somebody. Aha! my Lady Fanny, / knew 
what it meant when a young pretty lady like you w^ absent, 
and on the look-out, and only half answered the questions ]>ut to 
her. Let alone Sam Titmarsh — he knows what Somebody means 
as well as another, I warrant. As I saw these manoeuvres going 
on, I could not help just giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much 
as to say I knew what was what ''I guess the young lady is 
looking for Somebody," says L It was then her turn to look 
queer, I assure you, and she blushed as red as scarlet ; but after 
a minute, the good-natured little thing looked at her sister, and 
both the young ladies put their handkerchiefs up to their faces, 
and began laughing — laughing as if I had said the funniest thing in 
the world. 

*' U est charmant, votre monsieur. " said Lmly Jane to her grand- 
mamma; and on which I bowed, and said, "Madame, vous mo faites 
beaucoup d'honneur : " for I know the French language, and was 
pleased to find that these good hulies had token a liking to me. 'Tm 
a poor humble lad, ma'am, not use<l to London society, and do really 
feel it quite kind of you to take nic by the hand so, and give me a 
drive in your fine carriage." 

At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale £ice\ 
and a tuft to his chin, came riding up to the carriage ; and I knew 
by a little start that Lmly Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking 
round the other way, that Someffody was come at lost. 

Lady Drum," said he, '* your most devoted servant ! I have 



« 



22 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

juBt been riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for love 
of the beautiful Countess of Drum in the year — never mind the 
year." 

" Was it Killblazes ? " said the lady : '* he's a dear old man, 
and I'm quite ready to go off with him this minute. Or was it 
that delight of an old bishop ? He's got a lock of my hair now 
— I gave it him when he was papa's chaplain; and let me tell 
you it would be a hard matter to find another now in the same 
place." 

" Law, my Lady ! " says I, " you don't say so ? " 

" But indeed I do, my good sir," says she ; " for between 
ourselves, my head's as bare as a cannon ball — ask Fanny if 
it isn't. Such a fright as the poor thing got when she was a 
babby, and came upon me suddenly in my dressing-room without 
my wig ! " 

" I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said 
" Somebody," looking first at her, and then at me as if he had a 
mind to swallow me. And would you believe it? all that Lady 
Fanny could say was, " Pretty weU, I thank you, my Lord " ; and 
she said this with as much fluttering and blushing as we used to 
say our Virgil at school — when we hadn't learned it. 

My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered 
something about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum's 
carriage, as he was tired of riding ; on which Lady Fanny muttered 
something, too, about a ** friend of grandmamma's." 

" You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane : 
" I am sure we should never have come to the Park if Fanny had 
not insisted upon bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce 
the Earl of Tiptoff to Mr. Titmarsh." But instead of taking off 
his hat, as I did mine, his Lordship growled out that he hoped for 
another opportimity, and galloped off again on his black horse. 
Why the deuce / should have offended him I never could under- 
stand. 

But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that 
day ; for who shoidd presently come up but the Right Honourable 
Edmund Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I 
knew very well by the almanac in our office) and the husband of 
Lady Jane? 

The Right Honoimible Edmimd was riding a grey cob, and waa 
a fiit pale-faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open 
air. " Who the devil's that ? " said he to his wife, looking surlily 
both at me and her. 

'*0h, it's a friend of grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady 
Fanny at once^ looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 23 

her sister — ^who in her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked 
imploringly at her sister, and never dared to breathe a syllable. 
" Yes, indeed," continued Lady Fanny, " Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin 
of grandmamma's by the mother's side : by the Hoggarty side. 
Didn't you know the Hoggarties when you were in Ireland, Edmund, 
with Lord Bagwig? Let me introduce you to grandmamma's 
cousin, Mr. Titmarsh : Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund 
Prwton." 

There was Lmly Jane all the time treading upon her sister's 
foot as hanl as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no 
notice ; and I, who had never heanl of the cousinship, feeling as 
confounded as coidd be. But I did not know the Countess of 
Drum near so well as that sly minx her granddaughter did; for 
the old hwly, who had just before called poor Gus Hoskins her 
cousin, had, it appeared, the mania of fancying all the world related 
to her, and said — 

" Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty 'a 
grandmother was Milliceut Brady, and she and my Aunt Towzer 
were related, as all the world knows ; for Decimus Brady, of Bally- 
brady, married an own cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift 
— that was no relation of the Dean's, my love, who came but of a 
io-so family — and isn't that clear ? " 

" Oh, perfectly, grandmamma," saiil Laily Jane, laughing, 
while the right honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and 
surly. 

" And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund ] — the thirteen 
red-haired girls — the nine graces, and four over, as i)oor Clanl)oy 
used to call them. Poor Clan ! — a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. 
Titmarsh, and sadly in love with me he was too. Not remember 
them all now, E<lmund? — not remember? — not remember Biddy 
and Minny, and Thedy and Wi<ldy, and Mysic and Grizzy, and 
Polly an<l Dolly, and the rest ? " 

" D — the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," sai<l the right honourable 
gent ; and he said it with such encrg>', that his grey horse gave a 
sudden lash out that well-nigh sent him over his henil. Laily Jane 
screamed ; Lady Fanny laughed ; old Laily Dnim l()oke<l as if she 
did not care twopence, and said " Sen'e you right for swearing, you 
ojous man you ! " 

"Ha<ln't you better come into the carriage, Eilmund — Mr. 
Preston ? " cried out the lady anxiously. 

** Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am," says I. 

** Pooh — pooh ! don't stir," said Lady Drum : " it's my carriage ; 
and if Mr. Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that 
ojoiis vulgar way — in that ojous vulgar way I repeat — I don't see 



24 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

why my fiiends should be inconvenienoed for him. Let him sit on 
the dicky if he likes, or come in and ride bodkin." It was quite 
dear that my Lady Drum hated her grandson-in-law heartily ; and 
IVe remarked somehow in &milie8 that this kind of hatred is by 
no means uncommon. 

Mr. Preston, one of His Migesty's Secretaries of State, was, to 
tell the truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to get 
away from the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked still 
paler than before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he dismounted 
from the cob and gave the reins to his servant I disliked the looks 
of the chap — of the master, I mean — at the first moment he came 
up, when he spoke rudely to that nice gentle wife of his ; and I 
thought he was a cowardly fellow, as the adventure of the cob 
showed him to be. Heaven bless you ! a baby could have ridden 
it ; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at the very 
first kick. 

'' Oh, quick ! do come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing ; 
and the carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl 
as he came in, he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's comer 
(I warrant you I wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue 
cried out, "Oh no! by no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the door, 
Thomas. And oh ! what fiin it will be to show all the world a 
Secretary of State riding bodkin ! " 

And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you ! 

" Take my place, Edmimd, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said 
Lady Jane timidly. 

"Oh no! Pray, madam, don't stir! I'm comfortable, very 
comfortable ; and so I hope is this Mr. — this gentleman." 

"Perfectly, I assure you," says I. "I was going to oflfer to 
ride your horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened 
at it; but the fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I 
cwddnH move." 

Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that ! — how 
her little eyes twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckereil up ! I 
couldn't help speaking, for, look you, my blood was up. 

" We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," 
says she ; and handed mc a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a 
pinch, and sneezed with the air of a lonl. 

" As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady 
Jane Preston, hadn't you 'better invite him home to dinner]" says 
Mr. Preston, quite blue with rage. 

" I invited him into my carr'age," says the old lady ; " and as 
we are going to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I 
shall be very happy to see him there." 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 25 

" Fm very aorry I'm enga^jed," said I. 

" Oh, indeed, what a pity ! " says Itight Honourable Ned, still 
powering at his wife. '' What a pity that this gentleman — I forget 
his name — that your friend, Lady Jane, is engaged ! I am sure 
you would have had such gratification in meeting your relation in 
Whitehall" 

Lady Drum was over-fond of finding out relations to be sure ; 
but this speech of Right Honourable Ned's was rather too much. 
" Now, Sam," says I, " be a man and show your spirit ! " So I 
spoke up at once, an<l said, ^'Why, ladies, as the right honourable 
gent is so very pressing, I'll give up my engagement, and shall have 
sincere pleasiu^ in cutting mutton with him. What's your hour, 
sir % " 

He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care ; for, 
you see, I di<l not intend to dine with the man, but only to give 
him a lesson of manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and\ 
hear people cry out how vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask \ 
three times for cheese, and such like points of ceremony, there's ■ 
something, I think, much more vul^r than all tliis, and that^ ' 
ipanlPTipft fen f}r\^^^ jpfcijop' I hate thc chap that uses itj'tffi^l sfij^m 
him of humble rank that affects to be of the fashion ; and so I 
determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my mind. 

When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the 
Uulios as politely as possible, and walko<l into the hall, and then, 
taking hold of Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the 
ladies and the two big servants — upon my wonl I did — " Sir," says 
I, " this kind old huly aske<l me into her carriage, and I rode in it 
to please her, not myself When you came up and oskeil who the 
devil I was, I thought you might liave put the question in a more 
polite manner ; but it wasn't my business to speak. When, by way 
of a joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I would answer in a 
joke too, and here I am. But don't be frightene<l ; Fm not a-going 
to dine with you : only if you i)lay tlie same joke upon other i>artie8 
— on some of the chaps in our office, for example — I recommend you 
to have a care, or they will take you at your ipord,^* 

" Is that all, sir ] " says Mr. Preston, still in a rage. " If you 
have done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you 
out ? Turn out this fellow I <lc> you hear me 1 " and he broke away 
from me, and fiung into his study in n rage. 

''He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of 
yours ! " said Lady Dnim, seizing hold of her elder granddaughter's 
arm, ** and I Imte him ; and so come away, for the dinner 11 be 
getting cold : " and she was for hurr>')ng away Lady Jane without 
more ado. But that kind kuly, coming forward, looking very i«lc 



26 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

and trembling, said, " Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope youll not be angry 
— that is, that you'll foiget what has happened, for, believe me, it 
has given me very great " 

Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's 
eyes filled with tears ; and Lady Drum crying out *' Tut, tut ! none 
of this nonsense," pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs. 
But little Lady Fanny walked boldly up to me, and held me out 
her little hand, and gave mine such a squeeze, and said, '* Good-bye, 
my dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very kindly, that Fm blest if I did 
not blush up to the ears, and all the blood in my body began to 
tingle. 

So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and 
walked out of the hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as 
brave as a lion ; and all I wished for was that one of those saucy 
grinning footmen should say or do something to me that was the 
least uncivil, so that I might have the pleasure of knocking him 
down, with my best compliments to his master. But neither of 
them did me any such favour! and I went away and dined at 
home off boiled mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite 
peacefiiUy. 

I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between our- 
selves, is rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the parti- 
culars of the family quarrel of which I had been the cause and 
, witness, and so just said that the old lady (** They were the 

rDrum arms," says Gus; "for I went and looked them out that 
minute in the * Peerage ' ") — that the old lady turned out to 
be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken me to drive in the 
Park. Next day we went to the office as usual, when you may 
be sure that Hoskins told everything of what had happened, and 
a great deal more; and somehow, though I did not pretend to 
care sixpence about the matter, I must confess that I iPos rather 
pleased that the gents in our office should hear of a part of my 
adventure. 

But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find 
Mrs. Stokes the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and 
Master Bob Stokes her son (an idle young vagabond that was always 
playing marbles on St Bride's steps and in Salisbiu-y Square), — 
when I found them all bustling and tumbling up the steps before 
me to our rooms on the second floor, and there, on the table, 
between our two flutes on one side, my album, Gus's " Don Juan " 
and " Peerage " on the other, I saw as follows : — 

1. A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my 
dear Mary Smith. 

2. A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 27 

3. An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; 
but Mrs. Stokes said it was the primest haunch of venison that 
ever she saw. 

And three cards — viz. — 

DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM. 
LADT FANNY RAKES. 

MR. PRESTON. 
LADY JANE PRESTON. 

EARL OF TIPTOFF. 

" Sich a carriage ! " says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the 
poor thing spoke). "Sich a carriage — all over coronites! sich liveries 
— two great footmen, with red whiskers and yellowplush small- 
clothes ; and inside, a very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a 
young one with a great Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great 
tall pale gentleman with a tuft on his chin. 

" * Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here ? * says the young 
lady, with her clear voice. 

" * Yes, my Lady,' says I ; * but he's at the office — the West 
Diddlesex Fire and Life Office, Comhill.' 

'Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn. 
' Yes, my Lord,' says Charles ; and brings me out the haunch 
in a newspaper^ and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two 
baskets of fruit besides. 

" * Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, * to take these 
things to Mr. Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's 
compliments, and request his acceptance of them;' and then he 
pulled out the cards on your table, and this letter, sealed with his 
Lordship's own crown." 

And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife 
keeps to this day, by the way, and which runs thus : — 

"The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane 
Preston to express her sincere regret and disappointment that she 
was not able yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's com- 
pany. Lady Jane is about to leave town immediately : she will 
therefore be unable to receive her friends in Whitehall Place this 
season. But Lord Tiptoff trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the 
kindness to accept some of the produce of her Ladyship's garden and 
park ; with which, perhaps, he will entertain some of those friends in 
whose favour he knows so well how to speak." 



it 



28 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

Along with this was a little note, containing the words " Lady 
Drum at home. Friday erening, June 17." And all this came to 
me because my aunt Hoggarty had giren me a diamond-pin ! 

I did not send back the yenison : as why should 1 1 Gus was 
for sending it at once to Brough, our director ; and the grapes and 
peaches to my aunt in Somersetshire. 

''But no," says I; "well ask Bob Swinney and half-ardozen 
more of our gents ; and well have a merry night of it on Satunlay." 
And a merry night we had too ; and as we had no wine in the 
cupboard, we had plenty of ale, and gin-punch afterwards. And 
Gus sat at the foot of the table, and I at the head ; and we sang 
songs, both comic and sentimental, and drank toasts; and I made 
a speech that there is no possibility of mentioning here, because, 
entre nous, I had quite foi^gotten in the morning eyerything that 
had taken place after a certain period on the night before. 



-. \ 



• • ■■ 






• \ ■ 



. 1 

\ 



*• 



CHAPTER IV 

BOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND-WEARER DINES AT 

PENTONVILLE 

I DID not go to the office till half-an-hour after opening time on 
Monday. If the truth must be told, I was not sorry to let 
Hoskins have the start of me, and tell the chaps what had 
taken place, — for we ^ jIL ha ve our little vanities, and I liked to be 
thought well orby my companions! ' ' 

When I came in^ I saw my business had been done, by the 
way in which the chaps looked at me ; especially Abednego, who 
offered me a pinch out of his gold snuff-box the very first thing. 
Roundhand shook me, too, warmly by the hand, when he came 
round to look over my day-book, sa id I wro te a capital hand^aud 
indeed IJjeUfiie_I do^^without any 6brt of flattery), and invited me 
for^dumer next Sunday, in Itf yddelton Square. " You won't have," 
said he, " quite such a grand turn-out as with your friends at the 
West End " — he said this with a particular accent—" but Amelia 
and I are always happy to see a friend in our plain way, — pale 
sherry, old port, and cut and come again. Hey ? " 

I said I would come and bring Hoskins too. 

He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very 
happy to see Hoskins ; and we went accordingly at the appointed 
day and hour ; but though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, 
I remarked that at dinner I was helped first and best. I had twice 
as many force-meat balls as Hoskins in my mock-turtle, and pretty 
nearly all the oysters out of the sauce-boat. Once Eoundhand was 
going to help Gus before me ; when his wife, who was seated at the 
head of the table, looking very big and fierce in red crape and a 
turban, shouted out, " Antony ! " and poor R. dropped the plate, 
and blushed as red as anything. How Mrs. R. did talk to me about 
the West End, to be sure ! She had a " Peerage," as you may be 
certain, and knew everything about the Dnnn family in a manner 
that quite astonished me. She asked me how much Lord Drum 
bad a year ; whether I thought he had twenty, thirty, forty, or a 
hundred and fifty thousand a year ; whether I was invited to Drum 
Castle ; what the young ladies wore, and if they had those odious 



30 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

gigot sleeTes which were just oosung in then ; and here Mrs. R 
looked at a pair of laige mottled arms that she was very proud of. 

*' I say, Sam my boy ! " cried, in the midst of our talk, Mr. 
Roundhand, who had been passing the port- wine round pretty fireely, 
" I hope you looked to the main chance, and put in a few shares of 
the West Diddlesex,— hey 1 " 

" Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs t " 
cries the lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop the conversation. 

" No, MiUy, IVe emptied 'em," says R 

" Don't Milly me, sir ! and have the goodness to go down and 
tell Lancy my maid " (a look at me) " to make the tea in the study. 
We have a gentleman here who is not used to Pentonville ways " 
(another look) ; ** but he won't mind the ways of friends,'^ And 
here Mrs. Roundhand heaved her very laige chest, and gave me a 
third look that was so severe, that I declare to goodness it made me 
look quite foolish. As to Gus, she never so much as spoke to him 
all the evening ; but he consoled himself with a great lot of muflins, 
and sat most of the evening (it was a cruel hot summer) whistling 
and talking with Roundhand on the verandah. I think I should 
like to have been with them, — for it was very close in the room 
with that great big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing close up to one on 
the so^ 

" Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer! " 
I heard Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling 
the girls coming home from church. " You and me with our coats 
off, plenty of cold rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundliand at Margate, and 
a whole box of Manillas ? " 

" Hush ! " said Roundhand, quite eagerly ; " Milly will hear," 

But Milly didn't hear : for she was occupied in telling me an 
immense long story about her waltzing with the Count de Schlop- 
penzollem at the City ball to the Allied Sovereigns : and how the 
Count had great large white moustaches ; and how odd she thought 
it to go whirling round the room with a great man's arm round your 
waist, " Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it since our marriage — 
never; but in the year 'fourteen it was considered a proper com- 
pliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns. So twenty-nine young 
ladies, of the best &milies in the City of London, I assure you, Mr. 
Titmarsh — there was the Lord Mayor's own daughters; Alderman 
Dobbins's gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great 
house in Baker Street ; and your humble servant, who was rather 
slimmer in those days — twenty-nine of us had a dancing-master on 
purpose, and practised waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall 
at the Mansion House. He was a splendid man, that Count Schlop- 
penzoUem ! " 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 31 

" I am sure, ma'am/' says I, " he had a splendid partner ! " and 
blushed up to my eyes when I said it. 

" Get away, you naughty creature ! " says Mrs. Roundhand, 
giTing me a great slap : " you're all the some, you men in the West 
End — all deceirers. The Count was just like you. Heigho ! 
Before you marry, it's all honey and compliments ; when you win 
us, it's all coldness and indifference. Look at Roundhand, the great 
baby, trying to beat down a butterfly with his yellow bandanna-! 
Can a man like that comprehend me ? can he fill the void in my 
heart T^ (She pronounced it without the h ; but that there should 
be no mistake, laid her hand upon the place meant.) "Ah, no I 
Will you be so neglectful when you marry, Mr. Titmarsh 1 " 

As shiS ^xxka, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, 
and I fell a-thinking of my dear dear Mary Smith in the country, - 
walking home to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as 
the beUs were chiming and the air full of the sweet smell of the 
hay, and the river shining in the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and 
silver. There was my dear Mary a hundred and twenty miles off, 
in Somersetshire, walking home from church along with Mr. Snorter's _j 
&mily, with which she came and went ; and I was listening to the 
talk of this great leering vulgar woman. 

I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you 
have heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon 
my chest, I tore my fingers with the point of my new diamond-pin. 
Mr. Polonius had sent it home the night before, and I siKirted it for 
the first time at Roundhand's to dinner. 

*^ It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand. " I have been 
looking at it all dinner-time. How rich you must be to wear such 
splendid things ! and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the 
City — you who have such great acquaintances at the West End 1 " 

The woman ha<l somehow put me in such a passion that I 
bounced off the sofa, and made for the balcony without answering 
a word, — ay, and half broke my head against the sash, too, as I 
went out to the gents in the open air. " Gus," says I, " I feel very 
unwell : I wish you'd come home with me." And Gus did not 
desire anything better ; for he had ogled the last girl out of the 
last church, and the night was beginning to &11. 

" What ! already ? " said Mrs. Roundhand ; " there is a lobster 
coming up, — a trifling refreshment ; not what he's acciistomed 
to, but " 

I am sorry to say I nearly said, " D — the lobster ! " as Round- 
hand went and whispered to her that I was ill. 

" Ay," said Gus, looking very knowing. " Recollect, Mrs. R, 
that he was at the We9t End on Thursday, asked to dine, ma'am. 



32 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

with the tiptop noba. Chaps don't dine at the West End for 
nothing, do they, R t If you play at bowU, you know " 

'' You must look out for rubbers" said Roundhond, as quick 
as thought 

"Not in my house of a Sunday," said Mrs. R, looking very 
fierce and angry. " Not a card shall be touched here. Are we in 
a Protestant land, sir t in a Christian country 1 " 

"My dear, you don't understand. We were not talking of 
rubbers of whist ** 

" There shall be no game at all in the house of a Sabbath eye," 
said Mrs. Roundhand ; and out she flounced from the room, without 
ever so much as wishing us good-night. 

" Do stay," said the husband, looking very much frightened, — 
" do stay. She won't come back while you're here ; and I do wish 
you'd stay so." 

But we wouldn't: and when we reached Salisbury Square, I 
gave Ous a lecture about spending his Sundays idly ; and read out 
one of Blair's sermons before we went to bed. As I turned over 
in bed, I could not help thinking about the luck the pin had brought 
me ; and it was not over yet, as you will see in the next chapter. 



CHAPTER V 

HOJF THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL 
MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE 

TO tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned 
it almost the last thing in the previous chapter, I assure 
you it was by no means the last thing in my thoughts. It 
had come home from Mr. Polonius's, as I said, on Saturday night ; 
and Gus and I happened to be out ei^joying ourselves, half-price, at 
Sadler's Wells ; and perhaps we took a little refreshment on our way 
back : but that has nothhig to do with my stor}'. ^ 

On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller's ; 
and when I took it out, — my, how the diamond did twinkle and 
glitter by the light of our one candle I 

"I'm sure it would light up the room of itself," says Gus. 
" Fve naul they do in — in historj'." \ 

It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the " Arabian \ 
Nights," as I knew verj' well. But we put the candle out, nevejp^ 
theless, to try. 

** Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place 
says Gus ; but the fiu't was, that there was a gas-lamp opjioeite 
our window, and I believe that was the reason why we could see 
pretty well. At least in my be<lroom, to which I was obliged to 
go without a candle, and of which the window looked out on a 
dead wbUI, I could not see a wink, in spite of the Hoggarty diamond, 
and was obliged to grofie about in the dark for a pincushion which 
Somebody gave me (I don't mind owning it was Mary Smith), and 
in which I stuck it for the night. But, somehow, I did not sleep 
much for thinking of it, and woke ver}' early in the morning ; and, 
if the truth must be told, stuck it in my night-gown, like a fool, and 
a4] mired myself very much in the glasn. 

Gus admire<l it as much as I did ; for since my return, and 
especially since my venison dinner and drive with Lady Drum, ho 
thought I was the finest fellow in the world, and bocsted about 
his " West End friend " everywhere. 

As we were going to dine at Roundhand's, and I had no black 
satin stock to set it off, I was obliged to place it in the fHU of my 
» c 



34 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

best shirt, which tore the musliii sadly, by the way. However, 
the diamond had its effect on my entertainers, as we have seen } 
lather too much perhaps on one of them ; and next day I wore it 
down at the office, as Gus would make me do; though it did not 
look near so well in the second day's shirt as on the first day, when 
the linen was quite clear and bright with Somersetshire washing. 

The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except 
that snarling Scotchman M'Whirter, fourth clerk, — out of eavy 
because I did not think much of a great yeUow stone, named a 
carum-gorum, or some such thing, which he had in a snuff-mull, 
as he called it, — all except M*Whirter, I say, were delighted with 
it ; and Abednego himself^ who ought to know, as his hther was 
in the line, told me the jewel was wcnrth at least ten poundsh, and 
that his governor would give me as much for it 

''That's a proo^" says Roundhand, "that Tifs diamond ia 
worth at least thirty." And we all lauded, and agreed it was. 

Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that 
was paid me, turned my head a little ; and as all the chaps said I 
must have a black satin stock to set the stone off, I was fool oiough 
to buy a stock that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam's 
in Piccadilly : for Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure, 
and have none of our cheap and common East End stuff I might 
have had one for sixteen and six in Cheapside, every whit as good ; 
but when a young lad becomes vain, and wants to be fieishionable, 
you see he can't help being extravagant 

Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of 
venison business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the 
Right Honourable Edmund Preston : only Abednego, who told him, 
said I was her Ladyship's first cousin ; and this made Brough thmk 
more of me, and no worse than before. 

Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for 
Rottenburgh ; and being consideied one of the richest men in the 
City of London, used to receive all the great people of the land at 
his villa at Fulham ; and we often read in the papers of the rare 
doings going on there. 

Well, the pin certainly worked wonders : for not content merely 
with making me a present of a ride in a countess's carriage, of a 
hauncli of venison and two baskets of fiiiit, and the dinner at 
Roundliand's above described, my diamond had other honours in 
store for me, and procured me the honour of an invitation to the 
house of our director, Mr. Brough. 

Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball 
at his house at Fulham ; and by the accounts of the entertainment 
brought back by one or two of oiu* chaps who had been invited. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 35 

it was one of the meet magnificent things to be seen about London. 
You saw Members of Parliament there as thick as peas in July, 
lords and ladies without end. There was everything and everybody 
of the tiptop sort ; and I have heard that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley 
Square, supplied the ices, supper, and footmen, — though of the 
latter Brough kept a plenty, but not enough to serve the host of 
people who came to him. The part y, it must be remembered^ waa 
J/r». Broug h's party, not thejgentleimwi's, — he being in the Dissent-- 
ing^TO^T'would scarcely sanction any entertainments of the kind : 
bortie told his City friends that his lady governed him in eveqc^ 
tlungj and it was generally observed that most of them would 
allow their daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the 
immense number of the nobility which our director assembled 
together : Mrs. Roundhand, I know, for one, would have given one 
of her ears to go ; but, as I have said before, nothing would induce 
Brough to ask her. 

Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the 
brother of an East Indian director, were the only two of our gents 
invited, as we knew very well : for they had received their invita- 
tions many weeks before, and bragged about them not a little. 
But two days lx»forp the ball, and after my diamond-pin had had 
its due effect upon tlie gents at the office, Abednego, who had been 
in the directors* nwm, came to my (le«k with a great smirk, and 
said, "Tit, Mr. B. says that he exj>ects you will come down with 
Roundhand to the boll on Thursday." I thought Moses was joking, 
— at any rate, that Mr. B.'s messai^e was a queer one; for people 
don't usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of 
way ; but, sure enough, he presently came down himself and con- 
firmed it, saying, as he was going out of the office, " Mr. Titmarsh, 
you will come down on Thur8<lay to Mrs. Brouglfs jwirty, where 
you will see some relations of your^" 

" West En<i again I '* says that Gus Hoskins ; and accordingly 
down I went, taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for 
himself, Gutch, and me, an<l for which he very generously jwud 
eight shillings. 

There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of 
himps in the lodge and in the ganien, nor the cn)wd of carnages 
that came in at the gates, nor the troops of curious iMH»j>le outside ; 
nor the ices, fiddlcn*, wreaths of flowers, and cold suj)i)er within. 
The whole dest^ription was beautifully given in a fashionable paper, 
by a reporter who ol)«ervo<l the same from the " Yellow Lion " over 
the way, and told it in his journal in the most accurate manner; 
getting an account of the dresses of the great people from their 
footmen and coachmen, when they came to the alehouse for their 



36 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

porter. Afl for the names of the guests, they, you may be sure, 
found their way to the same newspaper : and a great laugh was had 
at my expense, because among the titles of the great people men- 
ticmed my name appeared in the list of the '* Honourables." Next 
day, Brough advertised ** a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an 
emerald necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq^ at 
Fulham ; " though some of our people said that no such thing was 
lost at all, and that Brough only wanted to adycrtise the magnifi- 
cence of his society; but this doubt was raised by persons not 
invited, and envious no doubt. 

Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged 
myself in my best clothes, viz., my blue coat and brass buttons 
before mentioned, nankeen trousers and silk stockings, a white 
waistcoat, and a pair of white gloves bought for the occasion. But 
my coat was of country make, very high in the waist and short in 
/the sleeves, and I suppose must have looked rather odd to some of 
' the great people assembled, for they stared at me a great deal, and 
a whole crowd formed to see me dance — which I did to the best of 
my power, performing all the steps accurately and with great agility, 
its I had been taught by our dancing-master in the country. 

And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance? 

With no less a person than Lady Jane Preston ; who, it appears, 

.' had not gone out of town, and who shook me most kindly by the 

hand when she saw me, and asked me to dance with her. We had 

my Lonl TiptofF and Itfidy Fanny Rakes for our vis-k-vis. 

You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, 
and admired my dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite 
different to the rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who 
walked through the quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and 
stared at my activity with all their might. But when I have a 
dance I like to eiyoy myself: and Mary Smith often said I was the 
very best jMirtner at our assemblies. While we were dancing, I told 
Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I had come down three in 
a cab, besides the driver ; and my account of our adventures made 
her Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. Lucky it was for me that I 
didn't go back in the same vehicle , for the driver went and intoxi- 
cated himself at the ''Yellow Lion," threw out Gutch and our head 
'. clerk as he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch after- 
> wanls and blacked lus eye, because he said that Gutch's red waist- 
coat fiightened the horse. 

Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride 
home : for she said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked 
me if I would accept it ; and positively, at two o'clock in the 
morning, there was I, after setting the ladies and my Lord down. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 37 

driTen to Salisbury Square in a great thundering carriage, with 
flaming lamps and two tall footmen, who nearly knocked the door 
and the whole little street down with the noise they made at the 
rapper. You should have seen Gus's head peeping out of window 
in his white nightcap ! He kept me up the whole night telling him 
about the ball, and the great people I hod seen there ; and next day 
he told at the office my stories, with his own usual embroideries 
upon them. 

"Mr. Titmarsh," said La<ly Fanny, laughing to me, "who is 
that great &t curious man, the master of the house ? Do you know 
he asked me if you were not related to us ? and I said, * Oh yes, 
you were.' " 

" Fanny ! " says Lady Jane. 

"Well," answered the other, "did not grandmamma say Mr. 
Titmarsh was her cousin ? " 

" But you know that grandmamma's memory is not very good." 

" Indeed, you're wrong. Lady Jane," says my Lortl ; " I think 
it's prodigious." 

" Yes, but not very — not very accurate." 

" No, my La<ly," says I ; " for her Ladyship, the Countess of 
Drum, said, if you remember, that my friemi Gus Hoskins " 

"Wliose cause you supported so^ bravely," cries Lady Fanny. 

" — That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which 
cannot be, for I know all his family : they live in Skinner Street 
and St. Mary Axe, and are not — not quite so respectabU as my 
relatives." 

At this they all began to laugli,; and my Lord said, rather 
haughtily — 

"Dejiend ujxin it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Dnun is no more 
your cousin tlum she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson." 

" Hoskins, my Lonl — and so I told Gus ; but you see he is very 
fond of me, and will have it that I am related to Lady D. : and say 
what I will to the contrarj', tells the story everywhere. Though, to 
be sure," addwl I with a laugh, " it has gained me no small good in 
my time." So I describeil to the party our dinner at Mrs. Round- 
hand's, which all came from my diamond-pin, and my reputation as 
a connection of the aristocracy. Then I thanked I^y Jane hand- 
somely for her magnificent present of fniit and venison, and told her 
that it had entertained a great numlwr of kind friends of mine, who 
had drunk her Ladyship's health with the greatest gratitude. 

•* A haunch of venison ! " crie<l Lady Jane, <|uite astonished ; 
** indeed, Mr. Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand you." 

As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, 
and turning her great arch sparkling bhck eyes at Lord Tiptoff 



38 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

" Why, Lady Jane," said he, ** if the truth must out, the great 
haunch of venison trick was one of this young lady's performing. 
You must know that I had received the above-named haunch from 
Lord Guttlebury's park : and knowing that Preston is not averse to 
Guttlebury venison, was telling Lady Drum (in whose carriage I 
had a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was not in the way) that I 
intended the haunch for your husband's table. Whereupon my 
Lady Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and vowed 
that the venison should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a 
gentleman about whose adventiures on the day previous we had just 
been talking — to Mr. Titmarsh, in feet ; whom Preston, as Fanny 
vowed, had used most cruelly, and to whom, she said, a reparation 
was due. So my Lady Fanny insists upon our driving straight 
to my rooms in the Albany (you know I am only to stay in my 
bachelor's quarters a month longer) " 

" Nonsense ! " says Lady Fanny. 

" — Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany, 
extracting thence the above-named haunch " 

''Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it," cries Lady 
Fanny. 

" — And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house 
in the City, where the venison was left, in company with a couple 
of baskets' of fruit bought at Grange's by Latly Fanny hersell" 

"And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made grand- 
mamma go into Fr into Lord TiptoflTs rooms, and dictated out 

of my own mouth the letter which he wrote, and pinned up the 
haunch of venison that his hideous old housekeeper brought us — I 
am quite jealous of her — I pinnwl up the haunch of venison in a 
copy of the John Bull newspaper." 

It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which 
Gus and I read on Sunday at breakfest, and we nearly killed our- 
selves with laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them 
this ; and good-natiured Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, 
and hoped I would too : which I promised to do as often as her 
Ladyship chose to repeat the offence. 

I never had any more venison from the family ; but 111 tell you 
what 1 had. About a month after came a card of " Lord and Lady 
Tiptoff," and a great piece of pliun-cake ; of which, I am sorry to 
say, Gus ate a great deal too much. 



CHAPTER VI 

OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, ASD OF THE 
EFFECT THE DIAMOND HAD THERE 

WELL, the magic of the pin was not o^er yet. Very soon 
after Mrs. Brougb's grand party, our director called me 
up to his room at the West Diddlesex, and after examin- 
ing my accounts, and speaking a while about business, said, *' Tliat's 
a very fine diamond-pin, Master Titmarsh " (he spoke in a grave 
patronising way), **and I called you on purpose to speak to you 
upon the subject. I do not object to seeing the young men of this 
establishment well and handsomely dressed ; but I know that their 
salaries cannot afford ornaments like those, and I grieve to see you 
with a thing of such value. You have paid for it, sir, — I trust you 
have paid for it ; for, of all things, my dear — dear young friend, 
beware of debt." 

I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture 
about debt and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that 
he had been asking about it already, and how I came by it — 
Abednego told me so. "Why, sir," says I, "Mr. Abednego told 
me that he had told you that I had told him " 

"Oh, ay — by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh — I do 
recollect — yes ; though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I 
have other more important things to remember." 

" Oh, sir, in course," says L 

" That one of the clerks did say something about a pin — that 
one of the other gentlemen had it. And so your pin was given you, 
was it ? " 

" It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle 
Hoggarty," said I, raising my voice; for I was a little proud of 
Castle Hoggarty. 

" She must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh I " 

" Why, thank you, sir," says I, " she is pretty well off. Four 
hundred a year jointure ; a farm at Slopperton, sir ; three houses 
at Squash tail ; and three thousand two hundred l(N)se cash at tho 
banker's, as I happen to know, sir, — t/uU'$ all.** 

I did hai>i)en to know this, you see ; because, while I was down 



40 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

in Someraetshiie, Mr. MacMantis, my aunt's agent in Ireland, 
wrote to say that a mortgage she had on Lord Bndlaghan's property 
had just been paid off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts's. 
Ireland was in a very disturbed state in those days ; and my aunt 
wisely determined not to invest her money in that country any 
more, but to look out for some good sectuity in England. Howerer, 
as she had always received six per cent, in Irehmd, she would not 
hear of a smaller interest ; and had warned me, as I was a com- 
mercial man, on coming to town, to look out for some means by 
which she could invest her money at that rate at least. 

" And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so 
accurately t " said Mr. Brough ; upon which I told him. 

" Good heavens, sir ! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the 
West Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady 
as to the manner in which she should invest property, never spoke 
to her about the Company which you have the honoiu* to serve 1 
Do you mean, sir, that you, knowing there was a bonus of five per 
cent, for yourself upon shares taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to 
join us 1 " 

" Sir," says I, " I*m an honest man, and would not take a bonus 
fix)m my own relation." 

" Honest I know you are, my boy — give me your hand ! So 
am I honest — so is every man in this Company honest; but we 
must be prudent as well We have five millions of capital on our 
books, as you see — five bond Jide millions of bond fide sovereigns 
paid up, sir — there is no dishonesty there. But why should we not 
have twenty millions — ^a hundred millions 1 Why should not this 
be the greatest commercial Association in the world? — as it shall 
be, sir, — it shall, as sure as my name is John Brough, if Heaven 
bless my honest endeavours to establish it ! But do you suppose 
that it can be so, unless every man among us use his utmost 
exertions to forward the success of the enterprise? Never, sir, — 
never; and, for me, I say so everywhere. I glory in what I do. 
There is not a house in which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of 
the West Diddlesex. There is not a single tradesman I employ, 
but has shares in it to some amount. My servants, sir, — my very 
servants and grooms, are bound up with it. And the first question 
I ask of any one who applies to me for a place is, Are you insured or 
a shareholder in the West Diddlesex ? the second, Have you a good 
character? And if the first question is answered in the negative, 
I say to the party coming to me. Then be a shareholder before you 
ask for a place in my household. Did you not see me — me, John 
Brough, whose name is good for millions — step out of my coach-and- 
four into this office, with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 41 

Mr. Roundhand as the price of half a share for the porter at my 
lodge^te? Did you remark that I deducted a shilling from the 
five pound 1 " 

"Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and 
seventy-three ten and six — Thursday week," says I. 

" And why did I deduct that shilling, sir ? Because it was my 
commission — John Brough's commission ; honestly earned by him, 
and openly taken. Was there any disguise about it ? No. Did I 
do it for the love of a shilling ? No," says Brough, laying his hand 
on his heart, " I did it from principle, — from that motive which 
guides every one of my actions, as I can look up to Heaven and 
say. I wish all my young men to see my example, and follow it : 
I wish — I pray that they may. Think of that example, sir. That 
porter of mine has a sick wife and nine young children : he is himself 
a sick man, and his tenure of life is feeble ; he has earned money, 
sir, in my service — sixty pounds and more — it is all his chililren 
have to look to — all : but for that, in the event of his death, they 
would be houseless beggars in the street. And what have I done 
for tliat fiimily, sir] I have put tliat money out of the reach of 
Robert Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing to his 
fiimily at his death. Every farthing is invested in shares in this 
office ; and Robert Gates, my hxlge-porter, is a holder of three shares 
in the West Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, yoiu* master 
and mine. Do you think I want to cheat Gates ? " 

" Oh, sir ! " says I. 

" To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent 
children ! — you can't think so, sir ; I should be a disgrace to human 
nature if I did But what boots all my energy and perseverance ? 
Wliat though I place my friends' money, my family s money, my 
own money — my hopes, wishes, desires, ambitions — all upon this 
enterprise ? You young men will not do so. You, whom I treat 
with love and coniideiu*e as my children, make no return to me. 
When I toil, you remain still ; when I struggle, you hx^k on. Say 
the wonl at once, — you douU nic ! heavens, that this should be 
the rewanl of all my care ami love for you ! " 

Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually biu^t into 
tears, and I confess I saw in its true light the negligence of which 
I had been guilty. 

** Sir,*' says I, *• I am very — very sorry : it was a matter of 
delicacy, rather than otherwise, which induced me not to speak to 
my aunt about the West Diddlesex." 

*' Delicacy, my dear dear boy— as if there can ho any delicacy 
about making your aunt's fortune ! Say indifference to me, say 
ingratitude, say folly, — but don't say delicacy — no, no, not deli- 



42 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

cacy. Be honest, my boy, and call things by their right names — 
always do.'' 

" It was folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough," says I : '* I see it 
all now ; and 111 write to my aunt this very post." 

" You had better do no such thing," says Brough bitteriy : " the 
stocks are at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get three per cent for 
her money." 

"I ttill write, sir, — upon my word and honour, I will 
write." 

''Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for 
neyer break yoiu* word — no, not in a trifle, Titmarsh. Send me up 
the letter when you have done, and 111 finank it — upon my word 
and honour I will," says Mr. Brough, laughing, and holding out his 
hand to me. 

I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly — " You may as well 
sit down here," says he, as he kept hold of it ; " there is plenty of 
paper." 

And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and b^;an and 
wrote, " Independent West Diddlesex Association, June 1822," and 
''My dear Aunt," in the best manner possible. Then I paused a 
little, thinking what I should next say ; for I have always found 
that difficulty about letters. The date and My dear So-and-so one 
writes off immediately — it is the next part which is hard; and I 
put my pen in my mouth, flung myself back in my chair, and began 
to think about it. 

" Bah ! " said Brough, " are you going to be about this letter all 
day, my good fellow 1 Listen to me, and I'll dictate to you in a 
moment." So he began : — 

" * My dear Aunt, — Since my return from Somersetshire, I am 
very happy indeed to tell you that I have so pleased the managing 
director of our Association and the Board, that they have been good 
enough to appoint me third clerk — 



y it 



" Sir ! " says L 

"Write what I say. Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed by 
the board yesterday, quits the clerk's desk and takes the title of 
secretary and actuary. Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. 
Abednego follows him; and I place you as third clerk — as 'third 
clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred and fifty pounds per 
annum. This news will, I know, gratify my dear mother and you, 
who have been a second mother to me all my life. 

' When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as ^ 
the best mode of laying out a sum of money which was lying useless 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 43 

in your banker's hands. I have since lost no opportunity of gaining 
what information I could : and situated here as I am, in the very 
midst of affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good a 
person to apply to as many others of greater age and standing. 

* I firoquently thought of mentioning to you our Association, but 
feelings of delicacy prevented mc from doing sa I did not wish 
that any one should suppose that a shadow of self-interest could 
move me in any way. 

'But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West 
Diddlesex Association offers the best seciuity that you can expect 
for your capital, and, at the same time, the Ughest interest you can 
anywhere procure. 

* The situation of the Company, as I have it fh)m the very best 
authority (underline that), is as follows : — 

*The subscribed and bond fide capital is five millions 

STERLING. 

*The body of directors you know. SuflSce it to say that the 
managing director is John Brough, Esq., of the firm of Brough and 
Hoff, a Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. 
Rothschild in the City of London. His private fortune, I know for 
a fact, amounts to half a million ; and the last dividends paid to the 
shareholders of the I. W. D. Association amounted to 6 J per cent, 
per anniun.' 

[That I know was tlie dividend declared by us.] 

'Although tlie shares in the market are at a ver}' great pre- 
mium, it is the privilege of the four first clerks to dispose of a 
certain number £5000 each at par ; and if you, my dearest aunt, 
would wish for £2500 worth, I hofK? you >nll allow me to oblige 
you by offering you so much of my new privileges. 

* Let me hear from you immediutely ujwn the subject, as I have 
alrea<ly an offer for the whole amount of my shares at market price.*" 

" But I haven't, sir," says I. 

"You have, sir. / will take the shares; but I want you, I 
want as many respectable persons in the Company as I can bring. 
I want you because I like you, and I don't mind telling you tliat I 
have views of my own as well ; for I am an honest man and say 
ofienly what I moan, and Til toll you why I want you. I can't, by 
the regulations of the Company, have more than a certain number 
of votes, but if your aunt takes sliares, I expect — I don't mind 
owning it — that she will vote with me. Now do you understand 
me ? My object is to be allin all with the Company ; and if I be, 



c 



44 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

I will make it tbo most glorious enterprise that ever was oonducted 
in the City of London." 

So I signed the letter and left it with Mr. B. to frank. 

The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk's 
desky being led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech to the gents, 
much to the annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about 
their services : though, as for the matter of that, our services were 
very much alike : the Company was only three years old, and the 
oldest clerk in it had not six months' more standing in it than I. 
" Look out," said that envious M^Whirter to me. " Have you got 
money, or have any of your relations money ? or are any of tliem 
going to put it into the concern 1 " 

I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his 
mull, and was always kind to him ; and he, to say the truth, was 
always most civil to me. As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think 
I was a superior being ; and I must say that the rest of the chape 
behaved very kindly in the matter, and said that if one man were to 
be put over their heads before another, they would have pitched 
upon me, for I had never harmed any of them, and done little 
kindnesses to several. 

" I know," says Abednego, " how you got the place. It was I 
who got it you. I told Brough you were a cousin of Preston's, the 
Lord of the Treasury, had venison firom him and all that ; and 
depend upon it he expects that you will be able to do him some 
good in that quarter." 

I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because 
our governor, as we called him, frequently spoke to me about my 
cousin ; told me to push the concern in the West End of the town, 
get as many noblemen as we could to insure with us, and so on. 
It was in vain I said I could do nothing with Mr. Preston. " Bah ! 
bah ! " says Mr. Brough, " don't tell me, Peoj)le don't send 
haunches of venison to you for nothing ; " and I'm convinced he 
thought I was a very cautious prudent fellow, for not bragging 
about my great family, and keeping my connection with them a 
secret. To be sure he might have learned the truth from Gus, 
who lived with me ; but Gus would insist that I was hand in 
glove with all the nobility, and boasted about me ten times as 
much as I did myself. 

The chaps used to call me the " West Ender." 

"See," thought I, "what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty 
giving me a diamond-pin ! What a lucky thing it is that she did 
not give me the money, as I hoped she would ! Had I not had the 
pin — had I even taken it to any other person but Mr. Polonius, 
Lady Drum would never have noticed me ; had Lady Drum never 



V 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 45 

noticed me, Mr. Brough nerer would, and I never should have 
been third derk of the West Diddlesex" 

I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very cyening of 
my appointment to my dearest Mary Smith, giving her warning 
that a "certain evenly" for which one of us was longing very 
earnestly, might come off sooner than we had expected. And why 
not? Miss S.'s own fortune was JB70 a year, mine was JB150, and 
when we had JS300, we always vowed we would marry. " Ah ! ** 
thought I, " if I could but go to Somersetshire now, I might boldly 
walk up to old Smith's door '' (he was her grandfather, and a half- 
pay lieutenant of the navy), " I might knock at the knocker and 
see my beloved Mary in the parlour, and not be obliged to sneak 
behind hayricks on the look-out for her, or pelt stones at midnight 
at her window.'' 

My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my 
letter. She had not determined, she said, as to the manner in 
which she should employ her three thousand pounds, but should 
take my offer into consideration; begging me to keep my shares ^>> 

open for a little while, until her mind was made up. 

What, then, does Mr. Brough do ? I learned afterwards, in the r 
year 1830, when he and the West Diddlesex Association had dis- 
api)eared fdtogether, how he had proceeded. 

*• Who are the attorneys at Slopperton 1 " says he to me in a 
careless way. 

"Mr. Ruck, sir," says I, "is the Tory solicitor, and Messrs. 
Hodge and Smithers the Liberals." I knew them very well, for the 
fiict is, before Mary Smith came to live in our parts, I was rather 
partial to Miss H(Ml<;e, and her great gold-colourc<l ringlets; but 
Mary came and soon put her nose out of joint, as the saying is. 

" And you are of what i)olitic8 1 " 

** Why, sir, we are Liberals." I was rather ashamed of this, 
for Mr. Brough was an out-and-out Tory ; but Hodge and Smithers 
is a most respectable finn. I brought up a packet from them to 
Hickson, Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, our solicitors, who are their 
London correspondents. 

Mr. Brough only said, " Oh, indeed ! " and did not talk any 
further on the subject, but began admiring my diamond-pin very 
much. 

" Titmarsh. my dear boy," says he, " I have a young kuly at 
Fulham who is worth seeing, I assure you, and who has heard so 
much about you from her father (for I like you, my boy, I don't 
care to own it), that she is rather anxious to see you too. Suppose 
you come down to us for a week ] Abednego will do your work." 

" Law^ sir ! you are very kind," says L 



(( 



46 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

"Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my 
claret. But hark ye ! I don't think, my dear fellow, you are 
quite smart enough — quite well enough dressed. Do you under- 
stand me 1 " 

IVe my blue coat and brass buttons at home, sir." 
What ! that thing with the waist between your shoulders 
that you wore at Mrs. Brough's party]" (It was rather high- 
waisted, being made in the country two years before.) " No — ^no, 
that will never do. Get some new clothes, sir, — two new suits of 
clothes." 

" Sir ! " says I, " I'm already, if the truth must be told, very 
short of money for this quarter, and can't afford myself a new suit 
for a long time to come." 

" Pooh, pooh ! don't let that annoy you. Here's a ten-pound 

note but no, on second thoughts, you may as well go to my 

tailor's. Fll drive you down there : and never mind the bill, my 
good lad ! " And drive me down he actually did, in his grand 
coach-and-four, to Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford Street, who took my 
measure, and sent me home two of the finest coats ever seen, a 
dress-coat and a &ock, a velvet waistcoat, a silk ditto, and three 
pairs of pantaloons, of the most beautiful make. Brough told me 
to get some boots and pumps, and silk stockings for evenings; so 
that when the time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared 
as handsome as any young nobleman, and Gus said that " I looked, 
by Jingo, like a regular tiptop swell." 

In the meantime the following letter had been sent down to 
Hodge and Smithers : — 

" Ram Alley, Cobshill, London : July 1822. 
" Dear Sirs, 

[This part being on private affairs 

relative to the cases of 

Dixon V. Haggerstony, 

Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and another, 

I am not permitted 

to extract] 

" Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the 
Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, of 
which we have the honour to be the solicitors in London. We 
wrote to you last year, requesting you to accept the Slopperton 
and Somerset agency for the same, and have been expecting for 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 47 

some time back that either shares or assurances should be effected 
by you. 

''The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions 
sterling (say £5,000,000), and we are in a situation to offer more 
than the usual conmiission to our agents of the legal profession. 
We shall be happy to giro a premium of 6 per cent, for shares to 
the amount of XIOOO, 6^ per cent, above a thousand, to be paid 
immediately upon the taking of the shares. — I am, dear sirs, for 
self and partners, yours most faithfidly, 

" Samuel Jacksox." 

This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time 
afterwards. I knew nothing of it in the year 1822, when, in my 
new suit of clothes, I went down to pass a week at the Rookery, 
Fulham, residence of John Brough, Esquire, M.P. 



\ 



\ 



CHAPTER VII 

HOfF SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT 

OF PROSPERITY 

IF 1 had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookeiy 
properly: suffice it, however, to say it is a very handsome 
country place ; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, 
handsome shrubberies and conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, 
kitchen-gardens, and everything belonging to a first-rate rus in urbej 
as the great auctioneer odled it when he hammered it down s<Hne 
years after. 

I arrived on a Saturday at halfon-hour before dinner : a grave 
gentleman out of livery showed me to my room ; a man in a chocolate 
coat and gold lace, with Brough's crest on the buttons, brought me 
a silver shaving-pot of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand dinner 
was ready at six, at which I Imd the honoiu* of appearing in Von 
Stiltz's dress-coat and my new silk stockings and pumps. 

Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to 
his lady, a stout iair-haired woman, in light blue satin ; then to his 
daughter, a tall, thin, dark-eyed girl, with beetle-brows, looking very 
ill-natured, and about eighteen. 

" Belinda my love," said her papa, " this young gentleman is 
one of my clerks, who was at our balL" 

" Oh, indeed ! " says Belinda, tossing up her head. 

"But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda, — so, if you please, 
we vnW liave none of your aristocratic airs with him. He is a 
nephew of the Countess of Drum ; and I hope he will soon be very 
high in our establishment, and in the City of London." 

At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error 
about our relationship), Miss Belinda made a low curtsey, and stared 
at me very hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery 
pleasant to any fnend of papa's. " We have not much monde to- 
day," continued Miss Brough, "and are only in petit coniitS ; but 
I hope before you leave us you will see some societi that will make 
your s^jour agreeable." 

I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using 
the French language in this way. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 49 

** Isn't she a fine girl ? " said Brough, whispering to me, and evi- 
dently as proud of her as a man could be. ** Isn't she a fine girl 
^-eh, you dog t Do you see breeding like that in Somersetshire 1 " 

" No, sir, upon my word ! " answered I, rather slyly ; for I was 
thinking all the while how *' Somebody" was a thousand times 
more beautiful, simple, and ladylike. 

" And what has my dearest love been doing all day ? " said her 
papa. 

" Oh, pa ! I have pinc^d the harp a little to Captain Fizgig's 
flute. Didn't I, Captain Fizgig ? " 

Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, "Yes, Brough, 
your fair daughter jnnc^d the harp, and touched the piano, and 
^^ratujnid the guitar, and icorchid a song or two ; and we had the 
(Measure of a promenade a Veau^ — of a walk upon the water." 

" Law, Captain ! " cries Mrs. Brough, " walk on the water 1 " 

*' Hush, mamma, you don't understand French ! " says Miss 
Belinda, with a sneer. 

" It 8 a sail disadvantage, mailam," says Fizgig gravely ; " and 
I recommend you and Brough here, who are coming out in the great 
world, to have some lessons ; or at least get up a couple of dozen 
phrases, and introduce them into your conversation here and there. 
I suppose, sir, you speak it commonly at the office, Mr. What-you- 
call-itl" And Mr. Fizgig put his glass into his eye, and looked 
at me. 

"We speak English, sir," savs I, "knowing it l>ctter than 
French." 

"Everybody luw not had your opportunities. Miss Brough,** 
continued the gentleman. "Everj'body has not fot/atj/ like nous 
autraty hey 1 Jfais que vfrnhz-tyoufy my gocxl sir ? you must stick 
to your cursed ledgers and things. What's the French for ledger, 
Miss Belin<la ? " 

"How can you ask 1 Je n'en urais rimy I'm sure." 

"You should learn, Miw Brough," said her father. "The 
daughter of a British men>hant need not be ashame<l of the means 
by which her father gets his bnnul. Vm not ashanuMl — I'm not 
proud. Those who know John Bnmgh, know that ten yeiirs ago 
he was a poor clerk like my friend Titmarsh here, and is now worth 
Imlf a million. Is there any man in the House lx*tter listened to 
than John Brough? Is there any duke in the land that can 
give a U»ttcT dinner than John Brough ; or a larger fortune to 
his daughter than John Brough 1 Why, sir, the humble person 
now speaking to you could buy out many a German duke ! 
But I'm not proud — no, no, not proud. There's my daughter — 
look at her — when I die she will be mistress of my fortune ; but 



r 



50 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

am I proud ? No ! Let him who can win her, marry her, that's 
what I say. Be it you, Mr. Fizgig, son of a peer of the realm ; or 
you. Bill Tidd. Be it a duke or a shoeblack, what do I care, hey ? 
— what do I care 1 " 

" 0-o~oh ! " sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill Tidd : 
a very pale young man, with a black riband round his neck instead 
of a handkerchiei^ and his collars turned down like Lord Byron. 
He was leaning against the mantelpiece, and with a pair of great 
green eyes ogling Miss Brough with all his might. 

" Oh, John — my dear John ! " cried Mrs. Brough, seizing her 
husband's hand and kissing it, " you are an angel, that you 
are!" 

"Isabella, don't flatter me; I'm a man^ — a plain downright 
citizen of London, without a particle of pride, except in you and 
my dau^ter here — my two Bells, as I call them ! This is the way 
that we live, Titmarsh, my boy : ours is a happy, humble, Christian 
home, and that's all. Isabella, leave go my hand ! " 

" Mamma, you mustn't do so before company ; it's odious ! " 
shrieked Miss B. ; and mamma quietly let the hand fall, and heaved 
from her ample bosom a great large sigh. I felt a liking for that 
simple woman, and a respect for Brough too. He couldrCt be a 
bad man, whose wife loved him so. 

'^~ Diiiher was soon announced; and I had the honour of leading in 
Miss B., who looked back rather angrily, I thought, at Captain 
Fixgig, because that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough. 
He sat on the right of Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on 
the seat next to him, leaving me and Mr. Tidd to take our places 
at the opposite side of the table. 

At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey 
afterwards, of course. How is it that at all the great dinners they 
have this perpetual boiled turkey] It was real turtle-soup: the 
first time I had ever tasted it ; and I remarked how Mrs. B., who 
insisted on helping it, gave all the green lumps of fat to her 
husband, and put several slices of the breast of the bird imder the 
body, until it came to his turn to be helped 

" Fm a plain man," says John, ^ and eat a plain dinner. I hate 
your kickshaws, though I keep a French cook for those who are 
not of my way of thinking. I'm no ^otist, look you; I've no 
prejudices ; and Miss there has her b^hamels and fallals according 
to her taste. Captain, try the volltz-vong" 

We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and 
great silver tankards of porter, which those might take who chose. 
Brough made especially a boast of drinking beer ; and, when the 
ladies retired, said, '^ Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an unlimited 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 51 

supply of wine : there's no stinting here ; " and then laid himself 
down in his easy-chair and fell asleep. 

" He always does so," whispered Mr. Tidd to me. 

"Get some of that yellow-sealed wine, Tiggins," says the 
Captain. ''That other claret wc had yesterday is loaded, and 
disagrees with me infernally ! " 

I must say I liked the yellow seal much better than Aunt 
Hoggarty's Rosolio. 

I soon found out what Mr. Tidd was, and what he was longing 
for. 

" Isn't she a glorious creature ? " says he to me. 

"Who, sirr'saysl. 

" Miss Belinda, to be sure ! " cried Tidd. " Did mortal ever look 
upcm eyes like hers, or view a more sylph-like figure ? " 

" She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd," says the Captain, 
" and a little less eyebrow. They look vicious, those scowling eye- 
brows, in a girl. Qv!en diUs-vouSy Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss Brough 
would say 1 " 

" I think it remarkably good claret, sir," says I. 

" Egad, you're the right sort of fellow ! " says the Captain. 
" Volto sctolto, eh 1 You respect our sleeping host yonder 1 " 

" That I do, sir, as the firat man in the City of London, and my 
managing director." 

" And so do I," says Tidd ; " and this day fortnight, when I'm 
of age, 111 prove my confidence too." 
As how t " says I. 

Why, sir, you must know that I come into — ahem — a consider- 
able property, sir, on the 14th of July, which my father made — in 
business." 

" Say at once he was a tailor, Tidd." 

•' He tffcu a tailor, sir, — but what of that t I've ha<l a University 
education, and have the feelings of a gentleman; as much — ay, 
perhaps, and more than some members of an effete ariHtocracy." 

" Tidd, don't be severe ! " says the Captain, drinking a tenth 
glass. 

" Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable 
property ; and Mr. Brough has been so good as to say he can get me 
twelve hundred a year for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have 
promised to invest them." 

" In the West Diddlesex, sir t " says I—" in our oflicc ? " 

" No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is direct^n*, and 
quite as good a thing. Mr. Brough is a very old friend of my fiunily, 
sir, and he has taken a great liking to me ; and he says that with 
my talents I ought to get into Parliament ; and then — and then I 



(C 



•X 



[ 



52 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

after I hare laid out my patrimony, I may look to matrimony^ 
you see ! " 

" Oh you designing dog ! " said tho Captain. " When I used 
to lick you at school, who ever would have thought that I was 
thrashing a sucking statesman 1 ^' 

" Talk away, boys ! " said Brough, waking out of his sleep ; " I 
only sleep with half an eye, and hear you all. Yes, you shall get 
into Parliament, Tidd, my man, or my name's not Brough ! You 
shall have six per cent for your money, or never believe me ! But 
as for my daughter — ask Aer, and not me. You, or the Captain, or 
Titmarsh, may have her, if you can get her. All I ask in a son-in- 
law is, that he should be, as every one of you is, an honourable and 
high-minded man ! '' 

Tidd at this looked very knowing ; and as our host sank off to 
sleep again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and wagged his head at 
the Captain. 

" Ball ! " says the Captain. " I say what I think ; and you 
may tell Miss Brough if you like." And so presently this conversa- 
tion ended, and we were summoned in to coffee. After which the 
Captain sang songs \^ith Miss Brough ; Tidd looked at her and said 
nothing ; I looked at prints, and Mrs. Brough sat knitting stockings 
for the poor. The Captain was sneering openly at Miss Brough and 
her affected ways and talk ; but in spite of his bullying contemptuous 
way, I thought she seemed to have a great regard for him, and to bear 
his scorn very meekly. 

At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Kni^ta- 
bridge, and Tidd and I to our rooms. Next day being Sunday, a 
great bell woke us at eight, and at nine we all assembled in the 
breakfast-room, where Mr. Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made 
an exhortation afterwards, to us and all the members of the house- 
hold ; except the French cook. Monsieur Nontongpaw, whom I could 
see, from my chair, walking about in the shrubberies in his white 
nightcap, smoking a cigar. 

Every morning on week-days, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough 
went through the same ceremony, and had his family to prayers ; but 
though this man was a hypocrite, as I found after^va^^l8, I'm not 
going to laugh at the family prayers, or say he was a hypocrite because 
he had them. There are many bad and good men who don't^go 
through the ceremony at all ; but I am sure the good men would J)e 
the better for it, and am not called upon to settle the question 
with respect to the bad ones ; and therefore I have passed over a 
great deal of the religious part of Mr. Brough's beliavioiu* : suffice it, 
that religion was always on his lips ; that he went to chiu^h thrice 
every Sunday, when he had not a jnrty ; and if he did not talk 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 53 

religion with va when we were alone, had a great deal to say upon 
the subject upon occasions, as I found one day when we had a Quaker 
and Dissenter party to dine, and when his talk was as grave as that 
of any minister present. Tidd was not there that day, — for nothing 
oould make him forsake his Byron riband or refrain from wearing his 
coUazs turned down ; so Tidd was sent with the buggy to Astley's. 
" And hark ye, Titmarsh, my boy," said he, " leave your diamond-pin 
upstairs : our friends to^lay don't like such gewgaws ; and though 
for my part I am no eocmy to harmless ornaments, yet I would not 
shock the feelings of those who have sterner opinions. You will see 
that my wife and Miss Brough consult my wishes in this respect." 
And so they did, — for they both came down to dinner in black gowns 
and tippets ; whereas Miss B. had commonly her dress half off her 
shoulders. 

The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss 
Brough seemed always delighted to eee him. One day I met liim 
as I was walking out alone by the river, and we had a long talk 
together. 

"Mr. Titmarsh," Gays he, "from what little I have seen of 
you, you seem to be an honest 8traight-minde<l young fellow ; and 
I want some information that you can give. Tell me, in the first 
place, if you will — and upon my honour it rIiuiI go no farther — 
about this Insurance Company of yours] You are in the City, 
and see how affairs are going on. Is your concern a stable one ] " 

"Sir," said I, "frankly then, and upon my honour too, I 
believe it is. It has been set up only four years, it is true ; but 
Mr. Brough had a great name when it was established, and a vast 
connection. Every clerk in the office has, to be sure, in a manner, 
paid for his place, cither by taking shares himself, or by his rela- 
tions taking them. I got mine because my mother, who is very 
poor, devoted a small sum of money that came to us to the purchase 
of an aimuity for herself and a provision for me. The matter was 
debated by the family and our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and 
Smithers, who arc vcr>' well known in our jjart of the country ; and 
it was agree<l on all hands that my mother could not do Wtter with 
her money for all of us than invest it in this way. Brough alone 
is worth half a million of money, and his name is a host in itself. 
Nay, more : I wrote the other day to an aunt of mine, who has a 
considerable sum of money in loofie cash, and who hail consulted me 
as to the di8i)08al of it, to invest it in our office. Can I give you 
any better proof of my opinion of its solvency ? " 

" Did Bn)ugh persuaile you in any way 1 " 

" Yes, he ctrtainly spoke to me : but ho very honestly told 
me his motives, and tells them to us all as honestly. He says. 



54 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

' Gentiemen, it is my object to increase the connection of the 
office, as much as possible. I want to crush all the other offices 
in London. Our tenns are lower than any office, and we can 
bear to have them lower, and a great business will come to us that 
way. But we must work ourselves as welL Every single share- 
holder and officer of the establishment must exert himself, and 
bring us customers, — no matter for how little they are engaged 
— engage them : that is the great point.' And accordingly our 
Director makes all his friends and servants shareholders : his very 
lodge-porter yonder is a shareholder; and he thus endeavours to 
fiusten upon all whom he comes near. I, for instance, have just 
been appointed over the heads of our gents, to a much better place 
than I held. I am asked down here, and entertained royally : and 
why? Because my aunt has three thousand pounds which Mr. 
Brough wants her to invest with us." 

" That looks awkward, Mr. Titmarsh." 

" Not a whit, sir : he makes no disguise of the matter. When 
the question is settled one way or the other, I don't believe Mr. 
Brough will take any further notice of me. But he wants me now. 
This place happened to fall in just at the very moment when he 
had need of me ; and he hopes to gain over my family through me. 
He told me as much as we drove down. * You are a man of the 
world, Titmarsh,' said he ; * you know that I don't give you this 
place because you are an honest feUow, and write a good hand. If 
I had a lesser bribe to offer you at the moment, I should only have 
given you that ; but I had no choice, and gave you what was in 
my power.' " 

" That's fair enough ; but what can make Brough so eager for 
such a small sum as three thousand pounds 1 " 

"If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more 
eager. You don't know the City of London, and the passion which 
our great men in the share-market have for increasing their connec- 
tion. Mr. Brough, sir, would canvass and wheedle a cliimney-sweep 
in the way of business. See, here is poor Tidd and his twenty 
thousand pounds. Our Director has taken possession of him just in 
the same way. He wants all the capital he can lay his hands on.*' 

" Yes, and suppose he nms off with the capital ? " 

"Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir] Suppose 
the Bank of England runs off ! But here we are at the lodge-gate. 
Let's ask Gates, another of Mr. Brough's victims." And we went 
in and spoke to old Gates. 

"Well, Mr. Gates," says I, beginning the matter cleverly, 
"you are one of my masters, you know, at the West Diddlesex 
yonder 1 " 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 55 

^'Yees, sure," says old Crates, grinning. He was a retired 
servant^ with a laige family come to him in his old age. 

•* May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can 
lay by so much money, and purchase shares in our Company t " 

Ghites told us his wages ; and when we inquired whether they 
were paid regularly, swore that his master was the kindest gentle- 
man in the world : that he had put two of his daughters into 
service, two of his sons to charity schools, made one apprentice, and 
narrated a hundred other benefits that he had received from the 
fiunily. Mrs. Brough clothed half the children ; master gave them 
blankets and coats in winter, and soup and meat all the year roimd. 
There never was such a generous &mily, sure, since the world began. 

"Well, sir," said I to the Captain, "does that satisfy yout 
Mr. Brough gives to these people fifty times as much as he gains 
from them ; and yet he makes Mr. Gates take shares in our 
Company." 

" Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, " you are an honest fellow ; 
and I confess your argument sounds well. Now tell me, do you 
know anything about Miss Brough and her fortune ? " 

" Brough will leave her everything — or says so." But I suppose 
the Captain saw some partiailar expression in my countenance, for 
he laughed and said — 

" I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she's dear at the price. 
Well, I don't know that you are far wrong." 

" Why, then, if I may make so bold. Captain Fizgig, are you 
always at her het^ls ? " 

"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "I owe twenty thousand 
pounds;" and he went bock to the house directly, and proposed 
for her. 

I thought this rather cnicl and unprincipletl conduct on the 
gentleman's part ; for he had been intnxluced to the family by Mr. 
Tid<l, with whom he had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd 
entirely in the great heiress's affections. Brough stormed, and 
actually swore at his daughter (as the Captain told me afterwards) 
when he heard tliat the latter ha<l accepte<l Mr. Fizgig; and at 
last, seeing the Captain, made him give his word that the engage- 
ment should be kept secret for a few months. And Captain F. 
only made a confidant of me, and the mess, as he said : but this 
was after Tidd had |Nud his twenty thousand pounds over to our 
governor, which he did punctually when he came of age. The same 
day, too, he propose<l for the young lady, and I need not say was 
rejecte*!. Presently the Captain's engagement began to be whispered 
about : all his great relations, the Duke of Doncaster, the Earl of 
Cinqbars, the Earl of CYabs, &c., came and visited the Brough 



56 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

£Eunily ; the Hon. Henry Ringwood became a shareholder in our 
Company, and the Earl of Crabs offered to be. Our shares rose to 
a premium ; our Director, his lady, and daughter were presented at 
Court ; and the great West Diddlesex Association bid fEiir to be the 
first AjBsurance Office in the kingdom. 

A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt 
wrote to me to say that she had consulted with her attorneys, 
Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, who strongly recommended that die 
should invest the sum as I advised. She had the sum invested, 
too, in my name, paying me many compliments upon my honesty 
and talent ) of which, she said, Mr. Brough had given her the most 
flattering account. And at the same time my aunt informed me 
that at her death the shares should be my own. This gave me a 
great weight in the Company, as you may imagine. At our next 
annual meeting, I attended in my capacity as a shareholder, and 
had great pleasure in hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, 
declare a dividend of six per cent., that we all received over the 
coimter. 

" You lucky young scoundrel ! " said Brough to me ; " do you 
know what made me give you your place 1 " 

" Why, my aunt's money, to be sure, sir," said I. 

" No such tiling. Do you fancy I cared for those jwiltry three 
thousand pounds 1 I was told you were nephew of Lady Drum ; 
and Lady Drum is grandmother of Lady June Preston ; and Mr. 
Preston ia a man who can do us a world of good. I knew that they 
had sent you venison, and the deuce knows what ; and when I saw 
Lady Jane at my party shake you by the hand, and speak to you 
so kindly, I took all Abednego's tales for gospel. That was the 
reason you got the place, mark you, and not on accoimt of your 
miserable three thousand pounds. Well, sir, a fortnight after you 
were with us at Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a 
merit of having given the place to his cousin. 'Confound the 
insolent scoundrel ! * said he ; ^he my cousin ! I suppose you take 
all old Drum's stories for true ] Why, man, it's her mania : she 
never is introduced to a man but she finds out a cousinship, and 
would not fail of course with that cur of a Titmarsh ! ' * Well,' said 
I, laughing, * that ciu* has got a good place in consequence, and the 
matter can't be mended.' So you see," continued our Director, 
" that you were indebted for your place, not to your aunt's money, 
but " 

" But to MY aunt's diamoni>-pin ! " 

'' Lucky rascal ! " said Brough, poking me in the side and going 
out of the way. And lucky, in faith, I thought I was. 



CHAPTER VIII 

RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSWS UFE 

IDONT know how it was that in the course of the next six 
months Mr. Roundhond, the actuary, who had been such a 
profound admirer of Mr. Brough and the West Diddlescx 
Association, suddenly quarrelled with both, and taking his money 
out of the concern, he disposed of his £5000 worth of shares to a 
pretty good profit, and went away, speaking everything tliat was 
evil both of the Comjmny and the Director. 

Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego 
was first clerk, and your humble ser^'ant was second in the office at 
a salary of £250 a year. How imfounded were Mr. Roundhand's 
aspersions of the West Diddlesex appoare<i quite clearly at our 
meeting in January 1823, when our Chief Director, in one of the 
most brilliant sjHMJches ever heanl, declared that the half-yearly 
ilividend was £4 per cent., at the rate of £8 per cent, jht annum ; 
and I sent to my aunt £120 sterling as the amount of the interest 
of the stock in my name. 

My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, 
sent me back £10 for my own i)ocket, and asked me if she had not 
better sell Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in 
this admirable concern. 

On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion 
of Mr. Brough. Mr. B. told me that shanks could not l)e had but 
at a premium ; but <m my n*pre«enting that I knew of £5000 worth 
in the market at jMir, ho sjiid — " Well, if so, he w<mld like a fair 
price for his, and would not mind difl]K>6ing of £5000 worth, as he 
had rather a glut of West Diddlesex shares, and his other concerns 
want<Hl feeding witli ready money." At the end of our conversation, 
of which I pnnnised to n^jwrt the purport to Mrs. Hogjoirty, the 
Director was so kind as to say that he had <letennine<l on creating 
a place of private secretary to the Mana;;ing Director, and that I 
should hold that office witli an additional sjilary of £150. 

I had £250 a year. Miss Smith hml £70 per annum to her 
fortune. What had I saitl should be my line of comluct whenever 
I could realise £300 a year ? 



58 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew 
of my engagement with Mary Smith. Her &ther had been a com- 
mander in the navy and a very distinguished officer ; and though 
Mary, as I have said, only brought me a fortime of £70 a year, 
and I, as everybody said, in my present position in the office and 
the City of London, might have reasonably looked out for a lady 
with much more money, yet my friends agreed that the connection 
was very respectable, and I was content : as who would not have 
been with such a darling as Mary? I am sure, for my part, I 
would not have taken the Lord Mayor's own daughter in place of 
Mary, even with a plum to her fortune. 

Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching 
marriage, as of everything else relating to every clerk in the office ; 
and I do believe Abednego told him what we had for dinner every 
day. Indeed, his knowledge of our affiiirs was wonderfuL 

He asked me how Mary's money was invested. It was in the 
three per cent, consols — ^£2333, 6s. 8d. 

" Remember," says he, *' my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh that is to 
be may have seven per cent, for her money at the very least, and 
on better security than the Bank of England ; for is not a Company 
of which John Brough is the head better than any other company 
in England ? " and to be sure I thought he was not far wrong, and 
promised to speak to Mary's guardians on the subject before our 
marriage. Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather, had been at the first 
very much averse to our union. (I must confess that, one day 
finding me alone with her, and kissing, I believe, the tips of her 
little fin<rer8, he had taken me by the collar and turned me out of 
doors.) But Sam Titmarsh, with a salary of £250 a year, a promised 
fortune of £150 more, and the right-hand man of Mr. John Brough 
of London, was a very different man from Sam the poor clerk, and 
the poor clergyman's widow's son ; and the old gentleman wrote me 
a kind letter enough, and begged me to get him six pairs of lamb's- 
wool stockings and four ditto waistcoats from Romanis', and accepted 
them too as a present from me when I went down in June — ^in 
happy June of 1823 — to fetch my dear Mary away. 

Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my annt's 
Slopperton and Squashtail property, which she had not as yet 
sold, as she talked of doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was 
a sin and a shame that any person in whom he took such interest, 
as he did in all the relatives of his dear young friend, should only 
have three per cent, for her money, when she could have eight 
elsewhere. He always called me Sara now, praised me to the other 
young men (who brought the praises regularly to me), said there 
was a cover always laid for me at Fulham, and repeatedly took me 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 59 

thither. There was but little company when I went; and M*Whirter 
used to say he only asked me on days when he had his Tulgar 
acquaintances. But I did not care for the great people, not being 
bom in their sphere ; and indeed did not much care for going to the 
bouse at alL Miss Belinda was not at all to my liking. After her 
enga^ment with Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid his 
X20y000, and Fizgig's great relations had joined in some of our 
Director's companies, Mr. Brough declared he believed that Captain 
Fizgig's views were mercenary, and put him to the proof at once, 
by saying that he must take Miss Brough without a farthing, or 
not have her at all. Whereupon Captain Fizgig got an appointment 
in the colonics, and Miss Brough became more ill-humoured than 
ever. But I could not help thinking she was rid of a bud bargain, 
and pitying poor Tidd, who came back to the chaise again more 
]ove<6ick than ever, and was rebuffed pitilessly by Miss Belinda. 
Her &thcr pLiinly told Tidd, too, that his visits were disagreeable 
to Belinda, and though he must always love and value him, he 
begged him to discontinue his calls at the Rookery. Poor fellow ! he 
had paid his £20,000 away for nothing ! for what was six per cent, to 
him compared to six per cent, and the hand of Miss Belinda Brought 

Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor love-sick swain, as he called 
me, ao much, and felt such a wann sympathy in my well-l)eing, that 
be insisted on my going dovm to Somersetshire with a couple of 
months' leave ; and away I went, as happy as a lark, with a couple 
of brand-new suits from Von Stiltz's in my tnmk (I had them made, 
looking forward to a certain event), and inside the tnuik Lieutenant 
Smith's fleecy hosiery ; wrapping up a i)arcel of our prospectuses 
and two letters from John Brough, Esq., to my mother our worthy 
annuitant, and to Mrs. Iloggurty our excellent shareholder. Mr. 
Brough said I was all that the fondest fatlier couhl wish, that he 
considered me as his own boy, and that he earnestly begged Mrs. 
Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her little landinl property, as land 
was high now and must fall : whereas the West Diddlesex Associa- 
tion sliares were (com|)arativeIy) low, and must inevitably, in the 
course of a year or two, double, treble, quadruple their present 
value. 

In this way I was prei>ared, and in this way I took leave of my 
dear Gus. As we parte<l in the yanl of the " BoIt-in-Tun," Fleet 
Street, I felt that I never should go back to Salisbury St|uare again, 
and Imd nuule my little present to the huidlady s family accordingly. 
She said I was the res|)ectablest gentleman slie hail ever had in her 
house : nor was that saying much, for Bell Lane is in the Rides of 
the Fle<'t, and her lodgers use<i commonly to be prisoners on Rule 
from tliat place. As for Gus, the i)Oor fellow crie<l and blubbered 



6o THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

80 that he could not eat a morsel of the muffins and grilled ham with 
which I treated him for breakfast in the " Bolt-in-Tun " coffee-house; 
and when I went away was waving his hat and his handkerchief so 
in the archway of the coach-office that I do believe the wheels of 
the " True Blue " went over his toes, for I heard him roaring as we 
passed through the arch. Ah ! how different were my feelings as I 
sat proudly there on the box by the side of Jim Ward, the coach- 
man, to those I had the last time I mounted that coach, parting fix>m 
my dear Mary and coming to London with my diamond-pin ! 

When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our 
village, where the " True Blue " generally stops to take a glass of 
ale at the Poppleton Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton 
himself, was come into the country, so great was the concourse of 
people assembled round the inn. And there was the landlord of the 
inn and all the people of the village. Then there was Tom Wheeler, 
the post-boy, from Mrs, Rincer's posting-hotel in our town ; he was 
riding on the old bay posters, and they. Heaven bless us ! were 
drawing my aimt's yellow chariot, in which she never went out but 
thrice in a year, and in which she now sat in her splendid cashmere 
shawl and a new hat and feather. She waved a white handkerchief 
out of the window, and Tom Wheeler shouted out " Huzza ! " as did 
a number of the little blackguard boys of Grumpley : who, to be 
sure, would huzza for anything. What a change on Tom Wheeler's 
part, however ! I remembered only a few years before how he had 
whipped me from the box of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a 
ride behind. 

Next to my aunt's carriage came the four-wheeled chaise of 
Lieutenant Smith, R.X., who was driving his old fat pony with his 
lady by his side. I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and felt 
a little sad at seeing that Sonvehody was not there. But, silly 
fellow ! there was Somebody in the yellow chariot with my aunt, 
blushing like a peony, I declare, and looking so happy ! — oh, so 
happy and pretty ! She had a white dress, and a light blue and 
yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty colours ; though 
what the Hoggartys had to do with light blue and yellow, I don't 
know to this day. 

Well, the "True Blue" guard made a great bellowing on his 
horn as his four horses dashed away; the boys shouted again; I 
was placed bodkin between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary ; Tom Wheeler 
cut into his bays ; the Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by 
the hand, and whose big dog did not make the slightest attempt at 
biting me this time) beat his pony till its fat sides lathered again ; 
and thus in this, I may say, unexampled procession, I arrived in 
triumph at our village. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 6i 

My dear mother and the girls, — Heaven bless them ! — nine of 
them in their nankeen spencers (I had something pretty in my trunk 
for each of them) — could not afford a carriage, but had posted them- 
aelyes on the rood near the village ; and there was such a waving of 
hands and handkerchiefs : and though my aunt did not much notice 
them, except by a majestic toss of the head, which is pardonable 
in a woman of her property, yet Mary Smith did even more than I, 
and waved her hands as much as the whole nine. Ah ! how my 
dear mother cried and blessed me when wc met, and called me her 
soul's comfort and her darling boy, and looked at me as if I were a 
paragon of virtue and genius : whereas I was only a very lucky 
young fellow, that by the aid of kind friends had stepped rapidly 
into a very pretty property. ^ 

I was not to stay with my mother, — that had been arranged 
beforehand ; for though she and Mrs. Hoggarty were not remarkably 
good friends, yet mother said it was for my benefit that I should 
stay with my aunt, and so gave up the pleasure of having me wit^ 
her : and though hers was much the humbler house of the two, I 
need not say I preferred it far to Mrs. Hoggarty's more splendid 
one ; let alone the horrible Rosolio, of which I was obliged now to 
drink gallons. 

It was to Mrs. H.*s then we were driven : slic liad prciKired a 
great dinner tliat evening, and hired an extra waiter, and on ^tting 
out of the carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom "Wheeler, saying that 
was for himself, and that she would settle with iMrs. liincer for the 
horses aflerwards. At which Tom flimg the sixpence ujxm the 
ground, swore most violently, and was vcrj' justly called by my 
aunt an " impertinent fellow." 

She had taken such a liking to mc that sho would hanlly bear 
me out of her sight. "\Vc used to r.it for morning after morning over 
her accounts, delmting for hours together tlie propriety of Felling the 
Slopperton property ; but no arrangement was come to yet about it, 
for Hodge and Smitliers n)iild not get the price she wante<L And, 
moreover, she vowed tliat at her decease sho would leave every slulling 
to me. 

Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated mo 
with marked considemti<^n ; as did every single person of the village. 
Those wlio could not affonl to give dinners gave teas, and all drank 
the health of the young couple ; and many a time after dinner or 
supper was my Mary made to blush by the allusions to the change 
in her condition. 

The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and tlio 24th 
Jidy 1823 saw me the happiest husband of the iirctticst girl In 
SomerBetshiro. We were married from my mother's house, who 



62 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

would insist upon that at any rate, and the nine girls acted as 
bridesmaids ; ay ! and Gus Hoskins came from town express to be 
my groomsman, and had my old room at my mother's, and stayed 
with her for a week, and cast a sheep*s-eye upon Miss Winny Tit- 
marsh too, my dear fourth sister, as I afterwards learned. 

My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed. 
She had desired me some weeks previous to order three ms^gnifioent 
dresses for Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, 
and some elegant trinkets and embroidered pocket-handkerchiefs 
from Howell and James's. These were sent down to me, and were 
to be my present to the bride ; but Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to 
understand that I need never trouble myself about the payment 
of the bUl, and I thought her conduct very generous. Also she lent 
us her chariot for the wedding joiuney, and made with her own 
hands a beautiful crimson satin reticule for Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, 
her dear niece. It contained a huswife completely furnished with 
needles, &c., for she hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never n^lect her 
needle; and a purse containing some silver pennies, and a very 
curious pocket-piece. '^ As long as you keep these, my dear," said 
Mrs. Hoggarty, " you will never want ; and fervently — fervently do 
I pray that you will keep theuL" In the carriage-pocket we found 
a paper of biscuits and a bottle of Rosolio. We laughed at this, and 
made it over to Tom "Wheeler — ^who, however, did not seem to like 
it much better than we. 

I need not say I was married in Mr, Von Stiltz's coat (the third 
and fourth coats, Heaven help us ! in a year), and that I wore 
sparkling in my bosom the Great Hoggarty Diamond. 



CHAPTER IX 

BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS mFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, 

TO LONDON 

W£ pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with fiDrming 
plans for our life in Loudon, and ft grettjLParadifi e did 
we build for ourselves ! Well, we were but forty years 
old between us ; and, for my part, I nevCT found any harm come of 
castlejbuildln g, bu t a ^at deal of pl6a8ure. " 

foreileft London T Had, to say flie truth, looked round mo 
for a proper place, befitting persons of our small income ; and Gus 
Hoskins and I, who hunted after ofiice-hours in couples, had fixed 
on a very snug little cottage in Camden Town, where there was a 
garden that certain sniail jyeople might play in when they came : a 
horse and gig-house, if ever we kept one, — and why not, in a few 
years t — and a fine healthy air, at a reasonable distance from 
'Change ; all for X30 a year. I had described this little spot to 
Mary as enthusiastically as Sancho deeonboa-Lixiaa to I)on Quixote ; 
and my dear wife was delighted with the prospect of housekeeping 
there, vowed she would cook all the best dishes herself (especially 
jam-pudding, of which I confess I am very fond), and promiseil Gus 
that he sliould dine with us at Clematis Bower every Sunday : only 
he must not smoke those horrid cigars. As for Gus, he vowed he 
would have a room in the neighbourhood too, for he could not bear 
to go back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy toother ; 
and so good-natured Mary said slic would nsk my sister Winny to 
come and keep her company. At which Hoskins blushed^ and said, 
** Pooh ! nonsense now." 

But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed 
to the ground on our return fh)m our little honeymixin exclusion ; 
when Mrs. Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, 
and was determined to go to Londtm with her dear nephew and 
niece, and keep house for them, and introduce them to her friends 
in the metro|)olis. 

What could we do I We wished her at — Bath : certainly not 
in London. But there was no help for it ; and we were obliged to 
bring her : for, as my mother said, if we ofiendcd her, her fortune 



^ 1 

/ .r 



64 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

would go out of our fisunily ; and were we two young people not 
likely to want it t 

So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting 
the whole way ; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of 
my aunt's rank in life could not travel by the stage. And I had 
to pay £14 for the posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my 
little hoard of cash. 

First we went into lodgings, — ^into three sets in three weeks. 
We quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that 
she cut a slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our 
dinner ; from the second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the 
maid would steal the candles ; from the third we went because 
Aunt Hoggarty came down to break&st the morning after our 
arrival with her face shockingly swelled and bitten by — never mind 
what. To cut a long tale short, I was half mad with the continual 
choppings and changings, and the long stories and scoldings of my 
aunt As for her great acquaintances, none of them were in London ; 
and she made it a matter of quarrel witli me that I had not intro- 
duced her to John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady 
Tiptoff, her relatives. 

Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and 
on his return I did not care at first to teU our Director that I had 
brought my aunt with me, or mention my embarrassments for 
money. He looked rather serious when perforce I spoke of the 
latter to him and asked for an advance ; but when he heard that 
my lack of money had been occasioned by the bringing of my aunt 
to London, his tone instantly changed. " That, my dear boy, alters 
the question ; Mrs. Hoggarty is of an age when all things must be 
yielded to her. Here are a hundred pounds ; and I beg you to 
draw upon me whenever you are in the least in want of money." 
This gave me breathing-time until she should pay her share of 
the household expenses. And the very next day Mr. and Mrs. 
John Brough, in their splendid carriage-and-four, called upon Mrs. 
Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings in Lamb's Ck)nduit Street. 

It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her 
face in that sad condition ; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. 
Brough of the cause, and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at 
Iier country place in Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought 
of such vile odious things. 

" Gracious heavens ! " shouted John Brough, Esquire, " a lady 
of your rank to suffer in this way ! — the excellent relative of my 
dear boy, Titmarsh ! Never, madam — never let it be said that 
Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty should be siibject to such 
horrible humiliation, while John Brough has a home to offer her, 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 65 

— a humble, bappy, Christian home, madam; though unlike, 
perhaps, the BpleifllouFtO wKch"you have been accustomed in the 
course of your distinguished career. Isabella my love ! — Belinda ! 
speak to Mrs. Hoggarty. Tell her that Jolm Brough's house is hers 
from garret to ceUar. I repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. 
I desire — I insist — I order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty*s 
trunks should be placed this instant in my carriage ! Have the 
goodness to look to them yoiuself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your 
dear aunt's comforts are better pro\ided for than they have been." 

Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be 
sure, Mr. Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's bene^Eictor; 
and though the silly child absolutely began to cry as she packed 
and toiled at aunt's enormous valises, yet she performed the work, 
and came down with a smiling face to my aunt, who was entertaining 
Mr. and Mrs. Brough with a long and particular account of the 
balls at the Castle, in Dublin, in Lord Charleville's time. 

" I have jNicked the trunks, aunt, but I am not strong enough 
to bring them down," said Mary. 

"Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a 
little ashamed. " Hallo ! George, Frederic, Augustus, come up- 
stairs this instant, and bring down the tnmks of Mrs. Hoggarty of 
Castle Hoggarty, which this young lady will show you." 

Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some 
of his fashionable servants refused to me<ldle with the trunks, he 
himself seized a pair of them with both hands, carried tlicm to the 
carriage, and shouted loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to 
hear, " John Brough is not proud — no, no ; and if his footmen are 
too high and mighty, he'll show them a lesson of hiunility." 

Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the 
trunks from her husband ; but they were too heavy for her, so she 
contente<l herself with sitting on one, and asking all persons who 
})assed her, whether John Brough was not an angel of a man t 

In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of 
her de|>arture, for I was at the office at the time ; and strolling; back 
at five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the 
window, and be<*koning to us both to come up. This I thought was 
very strange, because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and 
indeed hail told me repeate<lly that either she or he must qiiit the 
house. Well, we went upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried 
her tears and received us with the most smiling of faces, and laughe<l 
and clapped her hands, and dance<l, and shook Gus's hand. And 
what do you think the little rogue proposed ? I am blest if she did 
not say she would like to go to Vauxhall ! 

As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat 
3 £ 



l^ 



66 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

with fear and trembling ; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the 
circumstances which had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had 
been whisked away to Fulham in Mr. Brough's splendid carriage- 
and-four. " Let her go," I am sorry to say, said I ; and indeed we 
relished our veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a great deal more than 
Mrs. Hoggarty did her dinner ojff plate at the Rookery. 

We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on 

standing treat ; and you may be certain that my aunt, whose 

• absence was prolonged for three weeks, was heartily welcome to 

remain away, for we were much merrier and more comfortable with- 

r out her. My little Mary used to make my breakfast before I went 

to office of mornings ; and on Sundays we had a holiday, and saw 

the dear little children eat their boiled beef and potatoes at the 

V. - Foundling, and heard the beautiful music : but, beautiful as it is, 

I think the children were a more beautiful sight still, and the look 
V of IKeir' innocent bappy feces was better than the best sermon. On 

^ treek-days Mrs. Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in 
sX t . • the evening on the left-hsmd side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you 

go to Holbom) — ay, and sometimes pursue her walk as fer as Snow 
/I Hill, when two young gents fix>m the I. W. D. Fire and Life were 

pretty sure to meet her ; and then how happily we all trudged off 
to dinner ! Once we came up as a monster of a man, with high 
heels and a gold-headed cane, and whiskers all over his face, was 
grinning under Mary's bonnet, and chattering to her, close to Day 
and Martin's Blacking Manufactory (not near such a handsome 
thing then as it is now) — there vms the man chattering and ogling 
his best, when wlio should come up but Gus and I ] And in the 
twinkling of a pegpost, as Lonl Duberley says, my gentleman was 
seized by the collar of his caat and found himself sprawling under 
a stand of hackney-coaches ; where all the watermen were grinning 
at him. The best of it was, he left his head of hair and whiskers 
in my hand : but Mary said, " Don't be hard upon hun, Samuel ; 
it's only a Frenchman." And so we gave him his wig back, which 
one of the grinning stable-boys put on and carried to him as he lay 
in the straw. 

He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Fran^ais," 
and " champ-d'honneur ; " but we walked on, Gus putting his thiunb 
to his nose and stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. 
This made everybody laugh ; and so the adventure ended. 

About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from 
her, of which I give a copy : — 

" My deab Nephew, — It was my earnest whish e'er this to 
have returned to London, where I am sure you and my niece Tit- 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 67 

marsh miss me veiy much, and where she, poor thing, quite 
inexperienced in the ways of 'the great metropulus,' in aeonamv, 
and indeed in every qualaty requasit in a good wife and the mistress 
of a famaly, can hardly manidge, I am sure, without me. 

'* Tell her on no account to pay more than 6id. for the prime 
pieces, 4}cL for soup meat ; and that the very best of London butter 
is to be had for Sjd. ; of course, fur pudns and the kitchin youll 
employ a commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packe<l by Mrs. 
Titmorsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through 
mv vellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it alreadv twice, at 
two cllygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my hosjxitable 
host ; anil my pegreen velvet on Satiutlay at a grand dinner, when 
Lord Scaramouch hande<l me to tiible. Everything was in the most 
sumptions ftyle. Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed 
by turbit and sammon with immense boles of lobster-sauce. Lobsters 
alone cost 15s. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon weigh- 
in;;, Tm sure, 15 lbs., and ne^^er seen at table again ; not a bitt of 
pickled sammon the hole weak afterwanls. This kind of extravi- 
gance ^ovUd just suit Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, 
bums the candle at Itoth ends. "Well, young pei>ple, it is lucky for 
you you have an old aunt who knows l)ettcr, and hjw a long purse ; 
without \iitch, I dare say, some folks would he glad to see her out 
of doors. I don't mean you, Samuel, who have, I must say, l)een a 
dutiful nephew to me. Well, I dare say I shan't live long, and some 
folks won't be sorry to have me in my grave. 

" Indee<l, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick ver>* ill, and 
thought it might have been the lobster-sauce ; but Dtn-tor Blogg, 
who was called in, siud it was, he ver}' much feare<l, cumsumptii^ ; 
but gave me some pills and a draft w** made me Ix^tter. Plesise call 
upon him — he lives at Pimlic<^, and you can wiUk out there after 
othce hours — and present him with £1 Is., with my compliments. 
I have no money here but a £10 note, the rest being Iwked up in 
mv b<»x at Lamb's Cundit Strwt. 

"Although the flcsli is? not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious 
e^tabliKlnnent, I can assure you the sjHrrrit is likewise cared for. 
Mr. B. reaiis and igsixnmds ever>' morning ; and o but liis exorcises 
refresh the hungry sole In^forc breakfast ! Everything is in the 
]iands^)mest style, — silver and j^»oM phite at bn*akfiwt, lunch, and 
dinner; and his crest and motty, a Ixvhive, with the Ljitn wonl 
Industria, metining industry, on eirrt/thiwj — even on the cliany 
jiiin<B and things in my btnldnxun. On Sunday we were favoured 
by a special outiwuring fn»m the Rev. Grimes Wajwhot, of the 
Amabaptist Congriiration hen*, and who egshorted for 3 hours in 
the afternoon in Mr. B. s jirix-ate chai)el. As the widow of a 



68 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

Hoggarty, I have always been a staunch supporter of the established 
Church of England and Ireland ; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's 
stirring way was &r superior to that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop 
of the Establishment, who lifted up his voice after dinner for a 
short discourse of two hours. 

** Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has 
no sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I 
promised to box her years ; and would have left the house, had not 
Mr. B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apoUogy. 

*' I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really 
so welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in 
the world for my simtums ; and as the ladies of the house do not 
choose to walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often 
been kind enough to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such 
a guide to wander both to Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin 
the wonderful works of nature. I liave spoke to him about the 
Slopperton property, and he is not of Mr. B.'s opinion that I should 
sell it ; but on this point I shall follow my own counseL 

*^ Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and 
lett my bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire 
in the grate : and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my bine silk dress, 
and tiun it against I come ; and there is my purple spencer she can 
have for herself; and I hope she does not wear those tliree splendid 
gowns you gave her, but keep them until better times, 1 shall soon 
introduse her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my acquaint- 
ances ; and am always. Your loving Aunt. 

" I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from Somer- 
setshire. When it comes, please to send half down here (paying 
the carriage, of course). Twill be an acceptable present to my kind 
entertainer, Mr. B." 

This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the 
office, who apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvert- 
ence ; for the letter had been mingled with some more of his own, 
and he opened it without looking at the superscription. Of course 
he had not read it, and I was glad of that ; for I shoidd not have 
liked him to see my aunt's opinion of his daughter and lady. 

The next day, a gentleman at " Tom's Coffee-house," Comhill, 
sent me word at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to 
me : and I stepped thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of 
the house of Hodge and Smithers, just off the coach, with his 
carpet-bag between his legs. 

" Sam, my boy," said he, " you are your aunt's heir, and I have 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 69 

a piece of news for you regarding her property which you ought to 
know. She wrote us down a letter for a chest of that home-made 
wine of hers which she calls Rosolio, and which lies in our ware- 
house along with her furniture.'' 

" Well," says I, smiling, " she may part with as much Rosolio 
as she likes for me. I cede all my right." 

" Psha ! " says Smithers, " it's not tliat ; though her fiimiture 
puts us to a deuced inconvenience, to be siu-e — it's not that : but, 
in the iKMtscript of her letter, she onlers us to advertise the 
Slop|)erton and Squash tail estates for immediate sale, as she 
purposes placing her capital elsewhere." 

I knew that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been 
the source of a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, 
for aunt was always at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for 
her liti;jdous spirit; so that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the 
sale of it did not seem to me to be quite disinterested. 

"And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to 
acquaint me with this fact ? It seems to me you had much better 
have obeyetl my aunt's instructions at once, or go to her at Fulliam, 
and consult with her on this subject." 

" 'S<leath, Mr. Titmarsh ! don't you see that if she makes a sale 
of hor pn)porty, she will hand over the money to Brough ; and if 
Brough gets tlie money, he " 

" Will give her seven per cent, for it instead of three,— there's 
no liann in that." 

" But there's such a thing as security, look yoiu He is a warm 
man, certainly— very warm — ciuite respectable — most undoubtedly 
re8|)ectable. But who knows ? A imnic may take place ; and then 
these five hundro<l comimniw in which he is engaged may bring him 
to ruin. There's the Ginger Beer C<>m|mny, of which Brough is a 
<lire(»tor : awkwanl rejHjrts an» abnmd concerning it. The Consoli- 
datetl Battin's Bay Muff and Tipi»et Company — the shares are down 
very low, and Bn»ugh is a director there. The Patent Pump Com- 
pany — shares at 65, and a fre^h call, which nobcxJy will |Miy." 

"Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five liundrwl 
thousand ixmnds' worth of shares in the Independent West 
DiDDLEsEX, and is that at a discount ? Who reconimendcHl my 
aunt to invest her money in that si>e<nilation, I should like to 
know ? " I had him there. 

** Well, well, it is a very good sjieculation, certainly, and lias 
bmught yi>u three hundred a year, Sam, my lioy ; and you may 
thank us for the interest we t<H)k in you (indee<l, we lovwl you as 
a son, and Miss Ho<lge has not recovennl a certain marriage yet). 
You don't intend to rebuke ub for making your furtune, do you i " 



70 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

'' No, hang it, no ! " says I, and shook hands with him, and 
accepted a glass of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith. 

Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, 
" mark my words, and t<ike your aunt away from the Rookery. 
She wrote to Mrs. S. a long accoimt of a reverend gent with whom 
she walks out there, — the Reverend Grimes Wapehot. That man 
has an eye upon her. He was tried at Lancaster in the year '14 
for forgery, and narrowly escaped with his neck. Have a care of 
him — he has an eye to her money." 

"Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for 
yourself." 

He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it ; and 
as he returned it to me, " Well, Sam," he said, " I have only two 
favours to ask of you : one is, not to mention that I am in town to 
any living soul ; and the other is, to give me a dinner in LamVs 
Conduit Street with your pretty wife." 

" I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. " But if you 
dine with us, your arrival in town must be known, for my friend 
Gus Hoskins dines with us likewise ; and has done so nearly every 
day since my aunt went." 

He laughed too, and said, " We must swear Gus to secrecy over 
a bottle." And so we parted till dinner-time. 

The indefetigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and 
was supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was 
disinterested in the matter — more than disinterested, for she would 
have given a great deal to be spared my aunt's company. But she 
said she saw the force of Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted 
their justice with a sigh. However, I rode my high horse, and 
vowed that my aunt should do what she liked with her money; 
and that I was not the man who would influence her in any way in 
the disposal of it. 

After tea the two gents walked away together, Jind Gus told 
me that Smithers had aske<l him a thousand questions about the 
office, about Brough, about me and my >xife, and everything con- 
cerning us. "You are a lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to 
be the friend of this charming young couple," said Smithers ; and 
Gus confessed he was, and said he had tlined with us fifteen times 
in six weeks, and that a better and more hospitable fellow than I 
did not exist. This I state not to tnmipet my own praises, — no, 
no; but because these questions of Smithers's had a good deal 
to do with the subsequent events narrated in this little history. 

Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton 
that Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual 
having his legs under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 71 

the door, which we did not much heed ; a step was heanl on the 
floor, which we hoped might be for the two-pair lodger, when 
who should burst into the room but Mrs. Hoggarty herself! Gus, 
who was blowing the froth off a pot of jwrter preparatory to a 
delicious drink of the beverage, and had been making us die of 
laughing with his stories and jokes, laid dovni the pewter pot as 
Mrs. H. came in, and looked quite sick and pale. Indeed we all 
felt a little uneasy. 

My aunt lookeil haughtily in Mar>''8 face, then fiercely at Gus, 
and saying, "It is too true — my poor boy — already ! " flung her- 
self hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that slie 
would never never leave me. 

I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agita- 
tion on Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of us. Slie refused 
Marj's hand when the poor thing rather nervously offered it ; and 
wlien Gus timidly said, " I think, Sam, I'm rather in the way 
here, and |)erliai)8 — had better go," Mrs. H. looked him ftdl in 
the face, pointed to the door majestically \^ith her forefinger, and 
said, " I think, sir, you had lx?tter go." 

" I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay iis long as he pleases," said my 
wife, witli spirit. 

" Of course you hope so, ma<lam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, 
very sarcastic. But Mar>''s 8i)eec!i and my aunt's were quite lost 
upon Gus ; for he had instantly nui to his hat, and I heanl him 
tumbling downstairs. 

The quarrel cndctl, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of tears, 
and by my aunt's rejicating the assertion that it was not too late, she 
tnisted ; and from that day forth she would never never leave me. 

" What could have made aunt return and be so angrj' ? " said I 
to Mary that night, as we wore in our own nK)m ; but my wife pro- 
teHte<l she did not know : and it was only some time after that I foun<l 
out the reason of this quam^l, and of Mrs. H.'s sudden reappearance. 

The horrible fat <^^rw little Smithers told me the matter as 
a ver>' in^A joke, only the other y<*ar, when he showed me the 
letter of Hickson, Dixon, Paxtou and Jackson, which has before 
been <iuote<l in my Memoirs. 

"Sam, my l»y," sjiid he, "you were determinetl to leave Mrs. 
HojTiOirty in Bnnigh's duti-hes at the Rooker>', and I was deter- 
mini'd to have her awjiy. I resolve^l to kill two of your mortal 
enemies with one stone as it were. It was quite clear to me that 
the K<'veren<l Grimt^s Wapshot ha<l an eye to your aunt's fortune ; 
and that Mr. Bnnigh hatl similar prwiatory intentions rcganling 
her. Prwlatory is a mild wonl, Sam: if I had said robber}' at 
once, I should express my meaning clearer. 



^ 



^^ THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

"Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriying, made straight 
for the lodgings of the reverend gentleman. 'Sir,' said I, on 
finding that worthy gent, — he was drinking warm brandy-and- 
water, Sam, at two o'clock in the day, or at least the room smelt 
very strongly of that beverage — * Sir,' says I, * you were tried for 
forgery in the year '14, at Lancaster assizes.' 

" * And acquitted, sir. My innocence was by Providence made 
clear,' said Wapshot. 

" *But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' sa3r8 
I, *and passed two years in York Graol in consequence.' I knew 
the fellow's history, for I had a writ out against him when he was 
a preacher at Clifton. I followed up my blow. *Mr. Wapshot,' 
said I, *' you are making love to an excellent lady now at the house 
of Mr. Brough : if you do not promise to give up all pursuit of her, 
I will expose you.' 

" * I have promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking 
more easy. 'I have given my solemn promise to Mr. Brough, 
who was with me this very morning, storming, and scolding, and 
swearing. Oh, sir, it would have frightened you to hear a Christian 
babe like him swear as he did.' 

" * Mr. Brough been here ? ' says I, rather astonished. 

" * Yes ; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says 
Wapshot. *You want to marry the widow with the Slopperton 
and Squashtail estate, do you? Well, well, have your way. I've 
promised not to have anything more to do with the widow, and a 
Wapshot's honour is sacred.' 

" * I suppose, sir,' says I, * Mr. Brough has threatened to kick 
you out of doors, if you call again.' 

" * You have been with him, I sec,' says the reverend gent, with 
a shnig : then I remembered what you had told me of the broken 
seal of your letter, and have not the slightest doubt that Brough 
opened and read every word of it. 

** Well, the first bird was bagged : both I and Brough had had 
a shot at him. Now I had to fire at the wliole Rookery ; and off 
I went, primed and loaded, sir, — primed and loaded. 

"It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed 
the lodge-gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery — 
that of your respecteil aunt, sir : but I wished to meet the amiable 
ladias of the house before I saw her ; because look, friend Titmarsh, 
I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's letter, that she and they were at daggers 
drawn, and hoped to get her out of the house at once by means of 
a quarrel with them." 

I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning 
fellow 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 73 

" As luck would have it," continued he, " Miss Brough was in 
the drawing-room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously 
out of tunc ; but as I entered at the door, I cried * Hush ! ' to the 
footman, as loud as possible, stood stock-still, and then walked 
forward on tiptoe lightly. Miss B. could see in the glass every 
movement that I made; she pretended not to see, however, and 
finished the song with a regular roulade. 

" ' Gracious Heaven ! ' said I, * do, mmlam, pardon me for 
interrupting that delicious harmony, — for coming imaware upon it, 
— for daring uninvited to listen to it/ 

" * Do you come for mamma, sir ? ' said Miss Brough, with as 
much graciousness as her physiognomy could command. * I am 
Miss Brough, sir.' 

" * I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regard 
ing my business until you have sung another charming strain.' 

^^ She did not sing, but looked pleaseil, and said, * La ! sir, what 
is your business ? ' 

" * My business is with a lady, your respected father's guest in 
this liouse.' 

" * Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty I ' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards 
the bell, and ringing it. *Johu, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, in the 
shrubbery ; here is a gentleman who wants to see her.' 

" * I know,' continued I, * Mrs. Hoggarty's peculiarities as well 
as any one, madam ; and aware that those and her e<lucation are not 
such as to make her a fit comiianion for you. I know you do not 
like her : she has written to us in Somersetshire that you do not 
like her.' 

" * What I she has been abusing us to her friends, has she ? ' 
crie<l Miss Brough (it wiw the very jKuut I wishe*! to insinuate). 
* If she does not like us, why does nhe not leave us ? ' 

" * She has made rather a long visit,' said I ; * and I am sure 
that her nephew and niece are longing for her return. Pray, 
maibm, do not move, for you may aid me in the object for which 
I come.' 

" The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular 
battle-royal U'tween the two lailies ; at the end of which I intended 
to ajtpeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought rejiUy no longer 
to stay in a hou** with the meml)er8 of which she luul such unliappy 
differences. Well, sir, the Iwttle-royal was fought, — Miss Belinda 
ofiening the fire, by saying she understocMl Mrs. Hoggarty hml been 
calumniating her to her friends. But though at the end of it Miss 
ru8he<l out of the nx>m in a rage, and vowe<l she would leave her 
home unless that o<lious woman left it, your dear aunt said, ' Ha, 
ha ! I know the minx's vile stratagems ; but, thank Heaven ! I have 



74 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

a good hearty and my religion enables me to fcngiYe her. I shall 
not leave her excellent papa's house, or vex by my departure that 
worthy admirable man.' 

" I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. * Your 
niece,' said I, ' Mfb. Titmarsh, ma<lam, has been of late, Sam says, 
rather poorly, — qualmish of mornings, madam, — a little nervous, 
and low in spirits, — symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be 
mistaken in a young married person.' 

"Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she 
would send Mrs. Ssonuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it 
would do her good. 

" With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my 
last reserve into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam, 
my boy, now that the matter is so long pt'jsseiL ' Madam,' said I, 
' there's a matter about which I must speak, though indeed I 
scarcely dare. I dined with your nephew yesterday, and met at 
his table a young man — a young man of low manners, but evidently 
one who has blinded your nephew, and I too much fear has suc- 
ceeded in making an impression upon your niece. His name is 
Hoskins, madam ; and when I state that he who was never in the 
house during your presence there, has dined ^nth your too confiding 
nephew sixteen times in three weeks, I may leave you to imagine 
what I dare not — dare not imagine myself.' 

"The shot told. Your aunt boimced up at once, and in ten 
minutes more was in my carriage, on our way back to London. 
There, sir, was not that generalship I " 

" And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr. 
Smithers," said I. 

" At your wife's expense, certainly ; but for the benefit of both 
of you." 

" It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, " and 
that the affair happened ten years ago; or, by tlie Lord, Mr. 
Smithers, I would have given you such a horsewhipping as you 
never heard of ! " 

But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought 
back to her relatives ; and this was the reason why we took 
that house in Bernard Street, the doings at which must now be 
described. 



CHAPTER X 

OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS, ASD OF THE FIRM OF 

BROUGH ASD HOFF 

WE took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, 
and my aunt sent for all her furniture from the country ; 
which would have filled two such houses, but which came 
pretty cheap to us young housekeepers, as we had only to pay the 
carriage of the goods from Bristol. 

When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-yeaFs dividend, having 
not for four months touche<l a shilling of her money, I must say 
she gave ine jC50 of the X80, and told me that was ample pay for 
the boanl and lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not 
eat more than a siwirrow. 

I have myself, in the coimtry, seen her eat nine sparrows in a 
pudding : but she was rich, and I could not complain. If she saved 
£600 a year, at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings 
would one day come to me ; and so Mjiry and I consoled ourselves, 
and trie<l to manage matters as well as we might. It was no easy 
task to keep a mansion in Bemanl Street and save money out of 
£470 a year, which wa.s my income. But what a lucky fellow I 
was to have such an income ! 

As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers s carriage, Mr. 
Brough, with his four gn\VH, was entering the l(Klge-gate ; and I 
shouhl like to have seen the l(M)ks of these two gentlemen, as the 
one wiw carrying the other's prey off, out of his own very den, 
under his very nose. 

He came to sec her the next day, and i)roteste<l that he would 
not leave the house until she left it with him : that he had heanl 
of his dau;jhter s infamous conduct, and hiul 8tH*n her in tears - " in 
tears, madam, and on her knees, imploring Heaven to iMinhm her ! ** 
But Mr. B. \*'as oblige<l to leave the house without my aunt, who 
ha<l a caum major for staying, and hanlly allowwl poor Marj' out 
of h<*r siirht, — oi)ening ever)' one of the letters tliat came into the 
house dinrtc^l to my wife, and susiKvting hers to everylMxly. Mary 
never told me of all this pjun for many many years afterwanis ; but 
had always a smiling face for her husband when he came home from 



76 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

his work. As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that 
he never once showed his nose in the place all the time we lived 
there ; but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was 
as fond as he was of me. 

Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-hiunour 
with me. He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, 
before the gents of the office ; but I let him one day know pretty 
smartly that I was not only a servant, but a considerable share- 
holder in the Company ; that I defied him to find &ult with my 
work or my regularity ; and that I was not minded to receive any 
insolent language from him or any man. He said it was always so : 
that he had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but the 
ingrate had turned on him ; that he was accustomed to wrong and 
undutifiilness from his children, and that he would pray that the 
sin might be forgiven me. A moment before he had been cursing 
and swearing at me, and speaking to me as if I had been his shoe- 
black. But, look you, I was not going to put up with any more 
of Madam Brough's airs, or of his. With me they might act as 
they thought fit; but I did not choose that my wife should be 
passed over by them, as she had been in the matter of the visit 
to Fulham. 

Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. " Beware 
of these men," said he ; " but for my honesty, your aunt's landed 
property would have been sacrificed by these cormorants : and when, 
fSr her benefit — which you, obstinate young man, will not perceive 
— I wished to dispose of her land, her attorneys actually had the 
audacity — the unchristian avarice I may say — to ask ten per cent, 
commission on the sale." 

There might be some truth in this, I thought : at any rate, when 
rogues fell out, honest men come by their own : and now I began to 
suspect, I am sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director 
had a little of the rogue in their compasition. It was especially 
about my wife's fortune that Mr. B. showed his cloven foot : for 
proposing, as usual, that I should purchase shares with it in our 
Company, I told him that my wife was a minor, and as such her 
little fortune was vested out of my control altogether. He flung 
away in a rage at this ; and I soon saw that he did not care for me 
any more, by Abednego's manner to me. No more holidays, no 
more advances of money, had I : on the contrary, the private clerk- 
ship at J&150 was abolished, and I found myself on my £250 a year 
again. Well, what then ? it was always a good income, and I ilid 
my duty, and laughed at the Director. 

About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger 
Beer Company shut up shop — exploded, as Gus said, with a bang ! 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 77 

The Patent Pump shares were down to £15 upon a paid-up capital 
of j£65. Still ours were at a high premium ; and the Independent 
West Diddlesex held its head up as proudly as any office in London. 
Roundliand's abuse had liad some influence against the Director, 
certainly ; for he hinted at malversation of shares : but the Company 
still stoocl as united as the Hand-in-Hand, and as firm as the Rock. 

To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell 
Square : my aunt's old furniture crammed our little rooms ; and 
my aunt's enormous ohl jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and 
half the strings bn)ken, occupietl three-fourths of the little drawing- 
room. Here U8e<l Mrs. H. to sit, and play us, for hours, sonatas that 
were in fashion in Lonl CharlcviUc's time ; and sung with a cracked 
voice, till it was all that we could do to refrain firom laughing. 

And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in 
Mrs. Hoggarty's character now : for whereas she was in the country 
among the topping persons of the village, and quite content with a 
tea-jmrty at six and a game of twopenny whist afterwards, — in 
Limdon she would never dine till seven ; wouhl have a fly from the 
mews to drive in the Park t^ice a week ; cut and uncut, and ripped 
up and twisted over and over, all her oM gowns, flounces, cape, and 
fallal:), and kept my poor Mary from morning till night altering 
them to the present mode. Mrs. Hojorarty, moreover, api)eared in 
a new wig ; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such a jwiir of 
re<l cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people in 
Bemanl Street stare, where they are not as yet use<l to such fasliinns. 

Moreover, she insistctl upon our establishing a ser\ant in livery, 
— a boy, tliat is, of about sixteen, — who was dresseil in one of the 
old liveries tliat she hail bnnight with her from Somersetshire, 
decorate<l with new cuffs and collars, and new buttons : on the 
latter were repn»sent<^l the united crests of the Titmarshes and 
HoggartVK, viz., a t4)mtit raniiNint and a Iio<; in annimr. I thought 
this liver}' and crest-button rather al^unl, I nuist c«)nfess : though 
my family in very ancient. And hravens ! what a roar of laughter 
was raise<l in the office one day, when the little 8er%'ant in the big 
livt'ry, with the immense «me, walke<l in and bnnijjht me a message 
fh>m Mn«. Hoggarty of C.'axtle Hoggarty ! Furthennort*, all letters 
were delivennl on a silver tniy. If we luul liail a l)aby, I lM*lievc 
aunt Would have had it down on the tray : but there was as yet 
no foundation for Mr. Smithers's insinuation u|Mm that st^ore, any 
moH' than for his other niwanlly fabrication lieforc narratnl. Aunt 
and Mary used to walk gravely up and down the New Road, with 
the lx>y following with his great gr>ld-headed stick ; but though there 
was all this ceremony and parade, and aunt still talked of her 
aoiuaintances, we did not sec a single |)erBon from week's end to 



I 



78 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

week's end, and a more dismal house than ours could hardly be 
found in London town. 

On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, 
then just built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre ; and 
of evenings, to a meeting-house of the Anabaptists : and that day, 
at least, Mary and I had to ourselves, — for we chose to have seats 
at the Foundling, and heard the charming music there, and my wife 
usc<l to look wistfully in the pretty children's &ces, — and* so, for 
the matter of that, did I. It was not, however, tiU a year after 
our marriage that she spoke in a way which shall be here passed 
over, but which filled both her and me with inexpressible joy. 

I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when 
the Muff and Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital 
of J&300,000, as some said, and nothing to show for it except a 
treaty with some Indians, who had afterwards tomahawked the 
agent of the Company. Some people said there were no Indians, 
and no agent to be tomahawked at all ; but that the whole had been 
invented in a house in Crutched Friars. Well, I pitied poor Tidd, 
whose J&20,000 were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in the 
City that day with a most ghastly face. He had JCIOOO of debts, 
he said, and talked of shooting liimself ; but he was only arrested, 
and passed a long time in the Fleet. Mary's delightM news, how- 
ever, soon put Tidd and the Muff and Tippet Company out of my 
head ; as you may fancy. 

Other circumstances now occiured in the City of London which 
seemed to show that our Director was — what is not to be found in 
Johnson's Dictionary — rather shaky. Three of his companies had 
broken ; four more were in a notoriously insolvent state ; and even 
at the meetings of the directors of tlie West Diddlesex, some stormy 
words passed, which ended in the retirement of several of the board. 
Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up their places : Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, 
Mr. Query, and other respectable gents, coming forward and joining 
the concern. Brough and Hoff dissolve<l partnership ; and Mr. B. 
said he had quite enough to do to manage the I. W. D., and in- 
tended gradually to retire from the other affairs. Indeed, such an 
Association as ours was enough work for any man, let alone the 
parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and 
the seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon him as principal director 
of the late companies. 

Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by 
Mrs. Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life. Strange to 
say, although we had my Lord TiptofFs wonl to the contrary, she 
insisted upon it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related ; 
and no sooner did she read in the Morning Post of the arrival of 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 79 

her LadyBhip and her granddaughters in London, than she onlered 
the fly before mentioned, and left cards at their respective houses : 
her card, that is — "Mrs. Hoooarty of Castle Hogoarty," 
magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and flourishes ; and ours, 
viz., " Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had printed for the 
purpose. 

She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and force<l 
her way upstairs, in spite of Mar>*'s entreaties to the contrarv', had 
the footman who received her card given her the least encourage- 
ment ; but that functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her 
appearance, place<l himself in the front of the door, and declared 
that he had iKwitivc orders not to admit any strangers to his lady. 
On which Mrs. Hoggarty clenche<l her fist out of the coach-window, 
and promised that she would have him turned away. 

Ycllowplush only burst out laughing at this ; and though aunt 
wrote a most indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining 
of the insolence of the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. 
Preston did not take any notice of her letter, further than to return 
it, with a desire that he might not be troubletl with such impertinent 
visits for the fiiture. A pretty day we had of it when this letter 
arrive<l, owing to my aunt's disaj)j>ointment and rage in reading the 
contents ; for when Solomon brought up the note on the silver tea- 
tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. Preston's seal and name at the 
comer of the letter (which is the common way of writing adopte<l 
by those official gents) — my aunt, I say, seeing his name and seal, 
crie<l, " Xoir, Mar)', who is right ? " and bette<l my wife a sixi)ence 
that the envel()i)e contained an invitation to dinner. She never paid 
the 8ixi)ence, though she lost, but contente<l herself by abusing Mary 
all day, and said I was a i)oor-sj)irited sneak for not instiintly horse- 
whipping Mr. P. A pretty joke, indee<l ! They would have hanged 
me ill those days, ai* they did the man who shot Mr. Perc^eval. 

And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in 
genteel life which I ()btaine<l thnnigh the i)er8everance of Mrs. 
Hoggarty ; but it must W* owne<l that my opiM)rtunitics were but 
few, lasting only for the brief iJerio*! of six months : and aU^K jwutwl 
society has bet»n fully <l<vcrilKHl alre-ady by various authors c»f novels, 
whose names need not here be set down, but who, Ix^injr themselves 
connecte*] with the aristocracy, viz., as nieml>ers of noble fiunilies, 
or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, naturally un<lerRtand their 
subject a great deal better than a i>oor young fellow fn)m a fire- 
office can. 

There was our celebrate<l adventure in the Oi)eni House, whither 
Mrs. H. wouhl insist ujx^n con<lucting us : and where, in a nwm of 
the establisliment called the crush-room, where the ladies and genta 



8o THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

after the music and dancing await the arriFal of their carriageB (a 
pretty figure did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his \ng 
cane, among the gentlemen of the shoulder-knot assembled in the 
lobby !) — where, I say, in the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old 
Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to her, and insisted upon <*lMming 
relationship with her Ladyship. But my Lady Drum had only a 
memory when she chose, as I may say, and had entirely on this 
occasion thought fit to forget her connection with the Titmarshes 
and Hoggartys. Far from recognising us, indeed, she called Mrs. 
Hoggarty an '^ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible 
for a pohce-oflBcer. 

This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of 
this wicked world, as she said, and threw her more and more into 
really serious society. She formed several very valuable acquaint- 
ances, she said, at the Independent Chapel; and among others, 
lighted upon her friend of the Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We 
did not know then the interview which he had had with Mr. 
Smithers, nor did Grimes think proper to acquaint us with the 
particulars of it ; but though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the fact 
that her favoiuite preacher had been tried for forgery, she replied 
that she considered the story an atrocious calumny ; and he answered 
by saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that 
we should iu&Uibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, of 
which he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend gentle- 
man's guidance and advice, she, after a time, separated from 
St. Pancras altogether — " sat under him" as the phrase is, regularly 
thrice a week — began to labour in the conversion of the poor of 
Bloomsbury and St. Giles's, and made a deal of baby-linen for 
distribution among those benighted people. She did not make any, 
however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who now showed signs that such 
would be speedily necessary, but let Mary (and my mother and 
sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite for the coming 
event. I am not, indeixi, sure that she did not say it was wrong 
on our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let 
the morrow provide for itself At any rate, the Reverend Grimes 
Wapshot drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined 
there even oflener than poor Gus used to do. 

But I had little leisure to attend to hira and his doings; for 
I must confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my 
circumstances, and was much liarassed both as a private and public 
character. 

As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me £50 ; but 
out of that £50 I had to i>ay a journey post from Somersetshire, all 
the carriage of her goods from the country, the painting, papering. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 8i 

and carpeting of my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by 
the Reverend Grimes and his friends (for the reverend gent said 
that Rosolio did not agree with him) ; and finally, a thousand 
small bills and expenses incident to all housekeepers in the town 
of London. 

Add to this, I received just at tlie time when I was most in 
want of cash, Madame Mantaliui s bill, Messrs. Howell and James's 
<litto, the account of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius 
for the setting of the diamond-pin. All these bills arrived in a 
week, as they have a knack of doing ; and fancy my astonishment 
in presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, when she said, "Well, my 
dear, you are in the receij)t of a very tine income. If you choose to 
order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops, you must pay for 
them ; and don't expect that / am to abet your extravagance, or 
give you a shilling more than the nmnificcnt sum I pay you for 
board and lodging ! " 

How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, 
and Mary in such a delicate condition 7 And bad as matters were 
at home, I am sorry to say at the otiice they began to look still 
worse. 

Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. 
Abeduego became head clerk : and one day old Abednego came to 
the pkce and was shown into the directors' private room ; when he 
left it, he came trembling, chattering, and cursing downstairs ; and 

had begun, " Shentlemen " a 8|H?ech to the very clerks in the 

office, when Mr. Brough, with an imploring hx^k, and crying out, 
" Stop till Satunlay ! " at length got him into the street. 

On Satimlay Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I 
became head clerk with £400 a year salur\'. It was a fatal week 
for the office, too. On Mon<lay, when I arrived and took my seat 
at the hexul desk, and my first read of the newspaper, as was my 
right, the first thing I rea<l was, " Frightfid fire in Hounds<litch ! 
Total destniction of H^Ir. Meshiu'h's seiding-wax manufactor>' and of 
Mr. Shadnu'h's clothing dei)ot, adjoining. In the fonner was 
£20,000 worth of the finest Duti*h wax, which the voracious 
element attacke<l and devoure<l in a twinkling. The latter estimable 
gentleman had jtist (completed forty thdusand suits of clothes for 
the cavalr>' of H.H. the Cacique of Poyais." 

Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. 
Abe<inego, were insuml in our office to the full amount of their leas. 
The calamity was attributed to the dnmkenness (»f a scoundrelly 
Irish watchman, who was employe<l on the premises, and who upeet 
a bottle of whisky in the warehouse of Messrs. Shadnu^h, and 
incautiously looked for the liquor with a lighted candle. The man 



82 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

was brought to our office by his employers ; and certainly, as we all 
could testify, was etfen then in a state of frightful intoxication. 

As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the 
demise of Alderman Pash — Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call 
him in our lighter hours, knowing his propensity to green hi : but 
such a moment as this was no time for joking ! He was insured 
by our house for £5000. And now I saw very well the truth of a 
remark of Gus's — viz., that life-assurance companies go on excellently 
for a year or two after their establishment, but that it ia much more 
difficidt to make them profitable when the assured parties b^;in 
to die. 

The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for 
though the Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a 
loss to the Company of J&80,000, and though the Patent Erostratus 
Match Manu&ctory had exploded in the same year at a charge of 
J^l 4,000, there were those who said that the loss luul not been near 
so heavy as was supposed — nay, that the Company had burnt the 
above-named establishments as advertisements for themselves. Of 
these facts I can't be positive, having never seen the early accounts 
of the concern. 

Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves 
as dismal as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and- 
four, laughing and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the 
door. 

" Gentlemen ! " said he, " you have read the papers ; they 
announce an event which I most deeply deplore. I mean the 
demise of the excellent Alderman Pash, one of our constituents. 
But if anything can console me for the loss of that worthy man, it 
is to think that his children and widow will receive, at eleven o'clock 
next Saturday, X5000 from my friend Mr. Titmarsh, who is now 
head clerk here. As for the accident which has happene<l to 
Messrs. Shadrach and Meshach, — in thaty at least, there is nothing 
that can occasion any person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as 
soon as the particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained, 
my friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the coimter a sum 
of forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds — according to 
the amount of their loss. Thet/^ at least, will be remunerated ; and 
though to our proprietors the outlay vdW no doubt be considerable, 
yet we can afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can affonl it him- 
self, for the matter of that, and not be very much embarrassed ; and 
we must learn to bear ill-fortune as we have hitherto borne good, 
and sliow oiu-selves to be men always ! " 

Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't 
like to give here ; for to speak of Heaven in connection with conmion 



\ v-^ 









/ AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 83 

♦ worldly matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to 
bring it to bear witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious 
hypocrite does, is such a frightful crime, that one should be carefid 
even in alluding to it. 

Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the news- 
papers of that very evening ; nor can I think who gave a report of 
it, for none of our gents left the office that day imtil the evening papers 
ha<l appeared. But there was the speech — ay, and at the week's end, 
although Roundhand was heard on 'Change that day declaring ho 
woidd bet five to one that Alderman Pash's money would never be 
paid, — at the week's end the money was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's 
solicitor across the counter, and no doubt Roundhand lost his money. 

Shall I tell how the money was procured? There can be no 
harm in mentioning the matter now after twenty years' lapse of 
time ; and moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals 
now dead. 

As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's 
room, and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his 
confidence. 

" Titmarsh, my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me 
liard in the face, "(lid you ever hear of the fate of the great 
Mr. Silberschmidt, of London?" Of course I had. Mr. Silber- 
schmidt, the Rothschihl of his day (indee<l I have heanl the latter 
famous gent was originally a clerk in Silberschmitlt's house) — 
Sillx»rBchmidt, fancying he could not meet his enga«^enicnt8, com- 
mitted sui(nde ; and ha<l he hveil till four o'clock that day, would 
have known that he was worth £400,000. " To tell you frankly 
the truth," says Mr. B., "I am in Siiberschmidt's case. My lata 
partner, Hott', has given bills in the name of the finn to an 
enormous amount, and I have Ixm nbli<rcd to meet them. I have 
been cast in fourteen actions, bnm^ht by cretlitors of that infenml 
Ginger Beer Company ; and all the <lcbts are put ujM^n my shoulders, 
on account of my known wealth. Now, unless I have time, I 
cannot jmy ; and the long and short of the matter is that if I cannot 
procure X5000 before Satunlay, mir concern is ruined ! " 

** What I the Wc8t Di<ldk»8ex niine<l ? " says I, thinking of my 
poor mother's annuity. " ImiHMwible I our businc^ss is splendid I " 

" We must have X5000 on Satunlay, and we are naviMl ; and if 
you will, as you can, get it for me, I will give you £10,000 for 
the money ! " 

B. then showe<l me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, 
an<l his own private account ; proving Iwyond the possibility of a 
doubt, that with the X5000 our office must be set agoing; and 
without it« that the concern must stop. No matter how he ])roved 



84 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

the thing ; but there is, you know, a dictum of a statcBman that| 
give him but leave to use figures, and tie will prove anytbing. 

I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and 
she seemed not to be disinclined. I told him so ; and that day he 
called upon her, his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon 
her, and once more the Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our 
house. 

But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager ; and, instead of carrying 

matters with a hi^ hand, £urly burst into tears before Mrs. 

Hoggarty, and went down on her knees and besought her to save 

dear John. This at once aroused my aunt's suspicions ; and instead 

of lending the money, she wrote off to Mr. Smithers instantly to 

come up to her, desired me to give her up the £3000 scrip shares 

that I possessed, called me an atrocious cheat and heartless swindler, 

and vowed I had been the cause of her niin. 

/ How was Mr. Brough to get the money? I will tell yon. 

/ Being in his room one day, old Grates the Fulham porter came and 

I brought him from Mr. Balls, the pawnbroker, a sum of J&1200. 

! Missus told him, he said, to carry the plate to Mr. Balls ; and 

- having paid the money, old Grates fumbled a great deal in his 

; pockets, and at last pulled out a £5 note, which he said his 

. daughter Jane had just sent him from service, and begged Mr. B. 

, would let him hare another share in the Company. "He was 

. mortal sure it would go right yet. And when he heard master 

crying and cursing as he and missus were walking in the shrubbery, 

and saying that for the want of a few pounds — a few shillings — the 

finest fortune in Europe was to be overthrown, why Grates and his 

woman thought that they should come forward, to be sure, with all 

, they could, to help the kindest master and missus ever was." 

This was the substance of Grates's speech ; and Mr. Brough shook 
his hand and — took the £5. "Grates," said he, "that X5 note 
shall be the best outlay you ever made in your life ! " and I have no 
doubt it was, — but it was in heaven that poor old Gates iv^isto get 



the interest of his little mite. 

Nor was this the only instance. Mrs. Brough's sister, Miss 
Dough, who had been on bad terms with the Director almost ever 
since he had risen to Ix; a great man, came to the office with a 
power of attorney, and said, " John, Isabella has been with me this 
morning, and says you want money, and I have brought you my 
JC4000 ; it is all I have, John, and pray Gkxl it may do you good — 
you and my dear sister, who was the best sister in the world to me 
— till — till a little time ago." 

And she laid down the paper : I was called up to witness it, 
and Brough, with tears in his eyes, told me her words ; for he 



AND THE GREAT HOOOARTY DIAMOND 85 

could trust me, he said And thus it was that I came to be present 
at Gates's interview with his master, which took j)hicc only an hour 
afterwards. Brave Mrs. Brough ! how she was working for her 
husband! GoorTwomiui," mid~ kind ! but ym liad a true heart, 
amTTncrited" a"* better" "fete ! ' ThbugIi'"wnercrore say so t The 
woman, to this day, thinks her husband an angelj and loves him 
a thousand times better for his misfortunes. 

On Satuntay, Alderman Pash's solicitor was paid by me acrocs 
the counter, as I said. *' Never mind your aunt's money, Titmarsh, 
my bt)y," said Brough : " never mind her having resume<l her shares. 
You are a tnie honest fellow ; you have never abused mo like that 
pock of curs downstairs, and I'll make your fortune yet ! " 

The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. 
Smithere, and with Mrs. Hoggarty, taking oiu* tea comfortably, a 
knock was heanl at the door, and a gentleman desired to speak to 
me in the parlour. It was Mr. Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who 
arrested me as a shareholder of the Inde|)endent West Diddlesez 
Association, at the suit of Von Stiltz of Cliffonl Street, tailor and 
dra()er. 

I called down Smithers, and told him for Heaven's sake not 
to tell Mary. 

** Where is Brough ? " says Mr. Smithers. 

" Why," says Mr. Aminadab, " he's once more of the firm of 
Brough and Off, sir — he breakfasted at Calais this morning ! " 



X 



( 



CHAPTER XI 

IN fFHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND, 
AND YET BE VERY HARD PRESSED FOR A DINNER 



O 



N that fiital Saturday eyening, in a hackney-coach, fetched 
from the Foundling, was I taken from my comfortable 
house and my dear little wife; whom Mr. Smithers was 
left to console as he might. He said that I was compelled to take 
a journey upon business connected with the office ; and my poor 
Mary made up a little portmanteau of clothes, and tied a com- 
forter round my neck, and bade my companion particularly to 
keep the coach windows shut : which injunction the grinning wretch 
promised to obey. Our journey was not long: it was only a 
shilling fitre to Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane, and there I was 
set down. 

The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only 

one of half-a^ozen in that street wliich were used for the same 

purpose. No man, be he ever so rich, can pass by those dismal 

houses, I think, without a shudder. The front windows are barred, 

and on the dingy pillar of the door was a shining brass-plate, setting 

forth that " Amiuadab, Officer to the Sheriff of Middlesex,*' lived 

^ therein. A little red-haired Israelite opened the first door as our 

\, coach drove up, and received me and my baggage. 

v^. As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself 

in the face of another huge door, which was strongly locked ; and, 

at last, passing througli that, we entered the lobby of the house. 

There is no need to describe it. It is very like ten thousand 
other houses in our dark City of London. There was a dirty passage 
and a dirty stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into two 
^ filthy rooms, which harl strong bars at the windows, and yet withal 

^ an air of horrible finery that makes me uncomfortable to think of 

even yet On tlie walls hung all sorts of trumpery pictures in 
tawdry frames (how difierent from those capital performances of my 
cousin Michael Angelo !) ; on tlie mantelpiece huge French clocks, 
vases, and candlesticks; on the sideboards, enormous trajrs of 
Birmingham plated ware : for Mr. Aminadab not only arrested 
those who could not pay money, but lent it to those who could; 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 87 

and had already, in the way of trade, sold and bought these articlec 
many times over. 

I agreed to take the back-parlour for the night, and while a 
Hebrew damsel was arranging a little dusky sofa-bedstead (woe 
betide him who has to sleep on it !) I was invited into the front- 
parlour, where Mr. Aminadab, bidding me take heart, told me I 
should have a dinner for nothing with a party who had just arrived. 
I did not want for dinner, but I was glad not to be alone — not 
alone, even till Gus came ; for whom I despatched a messenger to 
his kxlgings hard by. 

I found there, in the front-parlour, at eight o^clock in the 
evening, four gentlemen, just about to sit down to dinner. Sur- 
prising ! there was Mr. B., a gentleman of fashion, who had only 
within half-un-hour arrived in a post-chaise with his companion, 
Mr. Lock, an officer of Horsham gaol. Mr. B. was arrested in 
this wise : He was a careless good-humoured gentleman, and had 
indorsed bills to a large amount for a friend ; who, a man of high 
family and unquestionable honour, ha4l ])le<lge<l the latter, along 
^ith a number of the most solemn oaths, for the payment of the 
bills in question. Having indorsed the notes, young Mr. B., with 
a proper thoughtlessness, forgot all about them, and so, by some 
chance, did the friend whom he obliged ; for, instead of l)cing in 
Ixmdon with the money for the fwyment of his obi ignitions, this 
latter gentleman was travelling abroad, and never hinte<l one word 
to Mr. B. that the notes would fall u]M)n him. The young <:cntleman 
was at Brighton lying sick of a fever ; was taken from his l)eil by 
a bailiiOr, and carric<l, on a rainy day, to Horsham guol ; had a 
rekitse of his complaint, and when sufficiently recovere<i, waa 
brought up to London to the house of Mr. Aminadab ; where I 
found him — a pale, thin, ;roo<l-humoured, lost young man : he was 
lying on a sofa, and had given onlers for the dinner to which I was 
invite<l. The lad's face gave one \mw to look at ; it was imiiossible 
not to Bce that his hours were numl)ere<l. 

Now Mr. B. has not anything to do with my humble story ; 
but I can't help mentioning him, as I saw him. He Fcnt for his 
lawyer and his dtx't^jr ; the fonner settle<l 8i)ee<lily hin accoimts 
with the bailiff, and the latter arnmge<l all his earthly accounts : 
for after he went fn)m the spunginjr-house he never rec(»venHl from 
the shock of the arrest, and in a few weeks he died. And though 
this circumstance took platxj many ywirs ag«), I can't f<»n:et it to 
my dyinir day ; and often see the author of Mr. B.'s desith, — a 
prosfierous gentleman, riding a fine horse in the Park, lounging at 
the window of a club ; with many friends, no doubt, and a good 
reputation. I wonder whether the man sleeps easily and eats with 



^ 88 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

a good appetite 1 I wonder whether he has paid Mr. B.'s heirB the 
v^ sum which that gentleman paid, and died for f 

i-^ If Mr. B.'s history has nothing to do with mine, and is only 

inserted here for the sake of a moral, what business have I to 
mention particulars of the dinner to which I was treated by that 
gentleman, in the spunging-house in Cursitor Street! Why, for 
the moral too; and therefore the public must be told of what 
really and truly that dinner consisted. 

There were five guests, and three silver tureens of soup : viz., 
mock-turtle soup, ox-tail soup, and giblct soup. Next came a 
great piece of salmon, likewise on a silver dish, a roast goose, a 
roast saddle of mutton, roast game, and all sorts of adjuncts. In 
this way can a gentleman live in a spunging-house if he be inclined ; 
and over this repast (which, in truth, I could not touch, for, let 
alone having dined, my heart was full of care) — over this meal my 
friend Gus Hoskins found me, when he received the letter that I 
had despatched to him. 

Gus, who had never been in a prison before, and whose heart 
£Euled him as the red-headed young Moses opened and shut for him 
the numerous iron outer doors, was struck dumb to see me behind 
a bottle of claret, in a room blazing with gilt lamps ; the curtains 
were down too, and you could not see the bars at the windows ; and 
Mr. B., Mr. Lock the Brighton officer, Mr. Aminadab, and another 
rich gentleman of his trade and religious persuasion, were chirping 
as merrily, and looked as respectably, as any noblemen in the land. 

" Have him in," said Mr. B., " if he's a friend of Mr. Titmarsh's; 
for, cuss me, I like to see a rogue : and run me through, Titmarsh, 
but I thiuk you are one of the best in London. You beat Brough ; 
you do, by Jove ! for he looks like a rogue — anybody would swear 
to him ; but you ! by Jove, you look the very picture of honesty ! " 

" A deep file," said Aminadab, winking and pointing me out to 
his friend Mr. Jehoshaphat. 

" A good one," says Jehoshaphat. 

" In for three hundred thousand pound," says Aminadab : 
" Brough's right-hand man, and only three-ond-twenty." 

"Mr. Titmarsh, sir, your 'eaJth, sir," says Mr. Lock, in an 
ecstasy of admiration. " Your very good 'ealth, sir, and better luck 
to you next time." 

" Pooh, pooh ! A^'» all right," says Aminadab ; " let him alone." 

" In for what f " shouted I, quite amazed. " Why, sir, you 
arrested me for J£90." 

" Yes, but you are in for half a million, — you know you are. 
Them debts I don't count — them paltry tradesmen's accounts. I 
mean Brough's business. It's an ugly one ; but you'll get through 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 89 

it We all know you; and I lay my life that when you come 
through the court, Mrs. Titmarsh has got a handsome thing laid by/' 

"Mrs. Titmarsh has a small property, sir/' says I. "What 
then?" 

The three gentlemen burst into a loud laugh, said I was a 
"rum chap" — a "downy cove," and made other remarks which 
I could not understand then ; but the meaning of which I have 
since comprehende<l, for they took me to be a great rascal, I am 
sorry to say, and sup|)osed that I had robbed the I. W. D. 
Association, and, in order to make my money secure, settled it on 
my wife. 

It was in the midst of this conversation that, as I said, Gus 
came in ; and whew ! when he saw what was going on, he gave 
8uch a whistle ! 

" Herr von Joel, by Jove ! " says Aminadab. At which all 
laughed. 

" Sit down," says Mr. B., — " sit down, and wet your whistle, 
my piper ! I say, egad ! you*re the piper that played before 
Moses ! Had you there. Dab. Dab, get a fresh bottle of Bur- 
gundy for Mr. Hoskins." And before he knew where he was, 
then* was Gus for tlie first time in his life drinking Clos-Vougeot. 
Gus sai<l he had never tastwl Berjoimy l)efore, at which the bailiff 
8neere<l, and tohl him the name of the wine. 

" Old Clo ! What ? " says Gus ; aud we laughe<l : but the 
Hebrew gents did not this time. 

" Come, come, sir ! " says Mr. Aminadab s friend, " ve're all 
shentlemen here, and shentlemen never makish retlexunsh upon 
other gentlenien'sh ixTshuashunsh." 

After this feast wan concluded, Gus an<l I retinal to my room 
to consult al)out my affuirs. With rojpinl to the n^sixmsibility 
incurre<l as a shareholder in the West Diddlesex, I was not uneasy ; 
for though the matter nii^ht cause me a little trouble at first, I 
knew I was not a shareholder ; that the shares were 8<'rip shares, 
making the dividend |»ayable to the bearer ; and my aunt had called 
back her shares, and wnsetjuently I was free. But it was very 
unpleasant to me to consider that I was in debt nt^arly a hundred 
pounds to tra<lesmen, chiefly of Mrs. Hojc^airty's n'cimnnen.iation ; 
and as she ha^l pnmiised to Ik* answerable fiir their bills, I deter- 
roine<l to send her a letter reminding her of her promise, and 
begging her at the same time to relieve me from Mr. Von Stiltz's 
debt, for which I was arrestee I : and which was incurred not certainly 
at her <lesire, but at Mr. Brough's ; ami would never have been 
incurred by me but at the alN«olute demand of tlmt gentlenmn. 

I wrote to her, therefore, begging her to pay all these debtSi 



90 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

and promised myself on Monday morning again to be with my dear 
wife. Gus carried off the letter, and promised to deliver it in Ber- 
nard Street after church-time ; taking care that Mary should know 
nothing at all of the painful situation in which I was placed. It was 
near midnight when we parted, and I tried to sleep as well as I could 
in the dirty little so&rbedstead of Mr. Aminadab's back-parlour. 

That morning was fine and sunshiny, and I heard all the bells 
ringing cheerfully for church, and longed to be walking to the 
Foundling with my wife : but there were the three iron doors 
between me and liberty, and I had nothing for it but to read my 
prayers in my own room, and walk up and down afterwards in the 
court at the back of the house. Would you believe it 1 This very 
court was like a cage ! Great iron bars covered it in firom one end 
to another; and here it was that Mr. Aminadab's gaol-birds took 
the air. 

They had seen me reading out of the prayer-book at the back- 
parlour window, and all burst into a yell of laughter when I came 
to walk in the cage. One of them shouted out " Amen ! " when I 
appeared; another called me a muff (which means, in the slang 
language, a very silly fellow) ; a third wondered that I took to 
my prayer-book yeU 

" When do you mean, sir ? " says I to the fellow — a rough man, 
a horse-dealer. 

•'Why, when you are going to be hanged, you young hypocrite!" 
says the man. " But that is always the way with Brough's people," 
continued he. " I had four greys once for him — a great bargain, 
but he would not go to look at them at Tattersall*8, nor speak a 
word of business about them, because it was a Sunday." 

" Because there are hypocrites, sir," says I, " religion is not to 
be consideretl a bad thing ; and if Mr. Brough would not deal with 
you on a Sunday, he certainly did his duty." 

The men only laughed the more at this rebuke, and evidently 
considered me a great criminal I was glad to be released from 
their society by the appearance of Gus and Mr. Smithers. Both wore 
very long £ices. They were ushered into my room, and, without 
any orders of mine, a bottle of wine and biscuits were brought in 
by Mr. Aminadab ; which I really thought was very kind of him. 

"Drink a glass of wine, Mr. Titmarsh," says Smithers, "and 
read this letter. A pretty note was that which you sent to your 
aunt this morning, and here you have an answer to it." 

I drank the wine, and trembled rather as I read as follows : — 

"SiK, — If, because you knew I had desined to leave you my 
proparty, you wished to murdar me, and so stepp into it, you are 



AND THE GREAT HOGOARTY DIAMOND 91 

dissapointed Your villiany and ingrcUitude teould have murdaid 
me, bad I not, by Heaven's grace, been inabled to look for consala- 
tion elsewhere. 

" For nearly a year I liavc been a martar to you. I gave up 
everything, — my happy home in the country, where all respected 
the nauie of Hoggarty ; my valuble ftunitiu* and wines ; my plate, 
glasSj and crockry; I brought all — all to make your home happy 
and rispectable. I put up with the airs and tmpertanencies of 
Mrs. Titmarsh ; I loaded her and you with presents and benuafits. 
I sacrafisod myself; I gave up the best sociaty in the land, to witch 
I have been accustomed, in order to be a gardian and compannion 
to you, and prevent, if possible, that waist and ixtravygance which 
I prophifci^d woidd be your ruin. Such waist and ixtravygance 
never, never, never did I see. Buttar waisted as if it had been 
dirt, coles Hung away, candles burnt at both endsy tea and meat the 
same. The butcher's bill in this house was enough to support six 
famalies. 

" And now you have the audassaty, being placed in prison justly 
for your crimes, — for cheating me of JC3000, for robbing your mother 
of an insignificient sumin, which to her, poor thing, was everything 
(though she will not feel her loss as I do, being all her life next door 
to a beggar), for incurring detts which you cannot pay, wherein you 
knew that your miserable income was quite unable to support your 
ixtra\'Tgance — you come upon me to pay your detts ! No, sir, it is 
quite enough that your mother should go on the parish, and that 
your wife should sweep the streets, to which you have indee<l brought 
them ; /, at least, though cheated by you of a krj^'e summ, and 
obligetl to pass my days in comparitive ruin, can retire, and have 
some of the comforts to which my rank entitles me. The fumitur 
in this house is mine ; and as I presiune you intend your lady to 
sleep in the streets, I give you warning tlmt I shall remove it all 
to-morrow. 

" Mr. Smithers will tell you that I luul intended to leave you 
my intire fortune. I have this morning, in his presents, solamly 
toor up my will ; and hereby renounce all connection with you and 
your beggarly family. Susan Hoiigabty. 

"P.«V. — I took a viper into my bosom, and it stun*/ me.** 

I confess that, on the first reailing of this letter, I was in such 
a fury that I forgot almost the i)ainful situation in which it plunged 
me, and the ruin hanging over me. 

" Wliat a fool you were, Titmarsh, to write that letter I " said 
Mr. Smithers. " You have cut your own throat, sir, — lost a fine 



gi THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

property, — written yourself out of five hundred a year. Mrs. 
Hoggarty, my client, brought the will, as she says, downstairs, and 
flung it into the fire before our faces.'' 

''It's a blessing that your wife was from home," added Gus. 
" She went to chiurh this morning with Dr. Salt's femily, and sent 
word that she would spend the day with them. She was always 
glad to be away from Mrs, H,, you know." 

" She never knew on which side her bread was buttered," said 
Mr. Smithers. " You should have taken the lady when she was in 
the humour, sir, and have borrowed the money elsewhere. Why, 
sir, I had almost reconciled her to her loss in that ciu'sed Company. 
I showed her how I had saved out of Brough's claws the whole of 
her remaining fortune ; which he would have devoiuied in a day, the 
scoundrel ! And if you would have left the matter to me, Mr. 
Titmarsh, I would have had you reconciled completely to Mrs. 
H(>ggarty ; I would have removed all your difficulties ; I would have 
lent you the pitiful sum of money myself." 

" Will you ? " says Gus ; " that's a tnimp ! " and he seized 
Smithers's hand, and squeezed it so that the tears came into the 
attorney's eyes. 

" (Jenerous fellow ! " said I ; " lend me money, when you know 
what a situation I am in, and not able to pay ! " 

" Ay, my good sir, there's the rub ! " says Mr. Smithers. " I 
said I would have lent the money; and so to the acknowledged 
heir of Mrs. Hoggarty I would — ^would at this moment ; for nothing 
delights the heart of Bob Smithers more than to do a kindness. 
I would have rejoiced in doing it ; and a mere acknowledgment 
from that respected lady would have amply sufficed. But now, 
sir, the case is altered, — you have no security to offer, as you 
justly observe." 

" Not a whit, certainly." 

" And without security, sir, of course can expect no money — of 
course not. You are a man of the world, Mr. Titmarsh, and I see 
our notions exactly agree." 

" There's his wife's property," says Gus. 

" Wife's property 1 Bah ! Mi-s. Sam Titmarsh is a minor, and 
can't touch a shilling of it. No, no, no meddling with minors for 
me ! But stop ! — your mother has a house and shop in our village. 
Grct me a mortgage of that " 

" 111 do no such thing, sir," says I. " My mother has suffered 
quite enough on my score already, and has my sisters to provide 
for ; and I will thank you, Mr. Smithers, not to breathe a syllable 
to her regarding my present situation." 

'You speak like a man of honour, sir," says Mr. Smithers, 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 93 



«( 



and I will obey your ii\j unctions to the letter. I will do more, 
sir. I will introduce you to a respectable firm here, my worthy 
friends, Messrs. Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, who will do every- 
thing in their power to serve you. And so, sir, I wish you a very 
good morning." 

And with this Mr. Smithers took his hat and left the room ; 
and after a further consultation with my aunt, as I heard afterwards, 
quitted London that evening by the mail. 

I sent my faithful Gus off once more to break the matter gently 
to my wife, fearing lest Mrs. Hoggarty should speak of it abruptly 
to her ; as I knew in her anger she would do. But he came in an 
hour panting back, to say that Mrs. H. had packed and locked her 
trunks, and had gone off in a hackney-coach. So, knowing that my 
poor Mary was not to return till night, Hoskins remained with me 
till then ; and, after a dismal day, left me once more at nine, to 
carry the dismal tidings to her. 

At ten o'clock on that night there was a great rattling and 
ringing at the outer door, and presently my poor girl fell into my 
arms ; and Gus Hoskins sat blubbering in a comer, as I tried my 
best to console her. 

• ••••• • 

The next morning I was favoured with a visit fix)m Mr. Blather 
wick ; who, hearing from me that I had only three guineas in my 
pocket, told me very plainly that lawyers only livc<l by fees. He 
recommended me to quit Cursitor Street, as living there was very 
expensive. And as I was sitting very satl, my wife made her appear- 
ance (it was with great difficulty that she could be brought to leave 
me the night previous) — 

" The horrible men came at four this morning," said she ; ** four 
boors before light." 

" Wliat horrible men ? " savs I. 

" Your aunt's men," Rai<l she, " to remove the furniture ; they 
had it all packed before I came away. And I let them carry all," 
said she ; ** I was too sad to look what was ours an<l what was not. 
That oflious Mr. Wapshot was with thorn ; and I left him seeing the 
last waggon-load from the (kxir. I have only brought away your 
ck>thes," added she, " and a few of mine ; and some of the Wn^ka you 
used to like to read ; and some — s(mie things I have been getting for 
the — for the baby. Tlie serAunts' wages were iwid up to Christmas ; 
and I paid them the rest. And sec ! just as I was going away, the 
post came, and brought to me my half-year's income — £35, dear Sam. 
Isn't it a blessing ? " 

"Will you pay my bill, Mr. What-d'ye-call-'im ? " here crie<l 
Mr. Aminadab, flinging open the door (he had been consulting with 



94 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

Mr. Blatherwick, I suppoee). " I want the room for a gentleman, 
guess it's too dear for the like of you." And here — ^will you believe 
it 1 — the man handed me a bill of three guineas for two days' board 
and lodging in his odious house. 



There was a crowd of idlers round the door as I passed out of it, 
and had I been alone I should have been ashamed of seeing them ; 
but, as it was, I was only thinking of my dear dear wife, who was 
leaning trustfully on my arm, and smiling like heaven into my &oe — 
ay, and took heaven, too, into the Fleet prison with me — or an angel 
out of heaven. Ah ! I had loved her before, and happy it is to love 
when one is hopeful and young in the midst of smiles and sunshine ; 
but be unhappy, and then see what it is to be loved by a good woman ! 
I declare before Heaven, that of ail the joys and happy moments it has 
given me, that was the crowning one — that little ride, with my wife's 
cheek on my shoulder, down Holbom to the prison ! Do you think 
I cared for the bailiff that sat opposite ? No, by the Lonl ! I kissed 
her, and hugged her — yes, and cried with her likewise. But before 
our ride was over her eyes dried up, and she stepped blushing and 
happy out of the coach at the prison door, as if ^e were a princess 
going to the Queen's Drawing-room. 



CHAPTER XII 

IS WHICH THE HERO'S AUSTS DIAMOND MAKES ACQUAINT- 
ANCE WITH THE HERO'S UNCLE 

THE failure of the great Did<llesex Association speedily became 
the theme of all the newspapers, and every person concerned 
in it was soon held up to public abhorrence as a rascal and a 
swindler. It was said that Brough had gone off with a million of 
money. Even it was hinted that poor I had sent a hundred 
thousand pounds to America, and only waited to pass through the 
court in onler to be a rich man for the rest of my <lays. This 
opinion had some supporters in the prison ; where, strange to say, 
it j)rocured me consideration — of which, as may be 8ui){K)6ed, I was 
little inclined to avail myself. Mr. Aminadab, however, in his 
fre<iuent visits to the Fleet, persisteil in saying that I was a poor- 
spiriteil creature, a mere tool in Brough's hands, and had not savetl 
a shilling. Opinions, however, differetl ; and I believe it was con- 
sidered by the turnkeys that I was a fellow of ex(|ui8ite dissimula- 
tion, who had put on the appearance of poverty in order more 
effectually to mislead the public. 

Messrs. Abednego and Son were similarly held up to public 
o<lium : and, in fact, what were the exact dealings of these gentle- 
men with Mr. Brough I have never lx»en able to leani. It waa 
prove<l by the books that large sums of money had been \md to 
Mr. Abednego by the Company ; but he jiruduce*! d(x*uments signed 
by Mr. Brough, which ma<le the latter and the West Diddlescx 
Association his debtors to a still further amount. On the day I 
went to the Bankruptcy Court to be examined, Mr. Al)e<lnego and 
the two gentlemen from Houndsditt-h were jiresent to swear to their 
debts, and made a sad noise, and utteretl a vast numl>er of oaths in 
attestation of their claim. But Mt^ssrs. Jackson and Paxton pro- 
duced against them tliat very Irish jK»rter who was 8ni<l to have l)een 
the cause of the fire, and, I am told, hinted that they had matter 
for hanging the Jewish gents if they i>erBiste<l in their demand. On 
this they disappeared altogether, and no more was ever heard of 
their losses. I am inclined to believe that our Directiir had had 
money from Abednego — luul given him shares as bonus and security 



96 THE HISTORY OP SAMUEL TITMARSH 

— had been suddenly obliged to redeem these shares with ready 
money ; and so had precipitated the ruin of himself and the concern. 
It is needless to say here in what a multiplicity of companies Brough 
was engaged. That in which poor Mr. Tidd invested his money did 
not pay 2d. in the pound ; and that was the largest dividend paid 
by any of them. 

As for ours — ah ! there was a pretty scene as I was brought 
from the Fleet to the Bankruptcy Court, to give my testimony as 
late head derk and accountant of the West Diddlesex Association. 

My poor wife, then very near her time, insisted upon accompany- 
ing me to Basinghall Street ; and so did my friend Gus Hoekins, 
that true and honest fellow. If you had seen the crowd that was 
assembled, and the hubbub that was made as I was brought up ! 

'* Mr. Titmarsh," says the Commissioner as I came to the table, 
with a peculiar sarcastic accent on the Tit — ''Mr. Titmarsh, you 
were the confidant of Mr. Brough, the principal clerk of Mr. Brough, 
and a considerable shareholder in the Company ? " 

'' Only a nominal one, sir," said I. 

" Of course, only nominal," continued the Commissioner, turning 
to his colleague with a sneer ; " and a great comfort it must be to 
you, sir, to think that you had a share in all the plun — the profits 
of the specidation, and now can free yourself fix)m the losses, by 
saying you are only a nominal shareholder." 

" The infernal villain ! " shouted out a voice from the crowd. 
It was that of the furious half-pay captain and late shareholder. 
Captain Span*. 

" Silence in the court there ! " the Conmiissioner continued : 
and all this while Mary was anxiously looking in his face, and 
then in mine, as pale as death ; while Gus, on the contrar}', was 
as red as vermilion. " Mr. Titmarsh, I have had the good fortune 
to see a list of your debts from the Insolvent Court, and find that 
you are indebted to Mr. Stiltz, the great tailor, in a handsome sum ; 
to Mr. Polonius, the celebrate<l jeweller, likewise; to fBishionable 
milliners and diessmakers, moreover; — and all this upon a salary 
of £200 per annum. For so young a gentleman it must be con- 
fessed you have employed your time welL" 

"Has this anything to do with the question, sir?" says I. 
" Am I here to give an account of my private debts, or to speak 
as to what I know regarding the affairs of the Company 1 As for 
my share in it, I have a mother, sir, and many sisters " 

" The d — d scoundrel ! " shouts the Captain. 

" Silence that there fellow ! " shouts Gus, as bold as brass ; at 
which the court buist out laughing, and this gave me courage to 
proceed. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 97 

" My mother, sir, four years since, having a legacy of i^400 left 
to her, advised with her solicitor, Mr. Smithers, how she should 
dispose of this sum ; and as the Independent West Diddlesex was 
just then established, the money was placed in an annuity in that 
office, where I procured a clerkship. You may suppose me a very 
haniened criminal, because I have onlcred clothes of Mr. Von 
Stiltz ; but you will hardly fancy that I, a lad of nineteen, knew 
anything of the concerns of the Company into whose service I 
entered as twentieth clerk, my own mother's money paying, as it 
were, for my place. Well, sir, the interest offered by the Company 
was so tempting, that a rich relative of mine was induced to 
purchase a number of shares.'' 

" Who induced your relative, if I may make so bold as to 
mquire ? 

" I can't help owning, sir," says I, blushing, ** that I wrote a 
letter myself But consider, my relative was sixty years old, and 
I was twenty-one. My relative took several months to consider, 
and liad the advice of her lawyers before she acceded to my request. 
And I made it at the instigation of Mr. Brough, who dictated the 
letter which I wrote, and who I really thought then was as rich 
as Mr. Rothschild himself" 

" Your friend placc<l her money in your name ; and you, if I 
mistake not, Mr. Titmarsh, were suddenly placed over the heads 
of twelve of your fellow-clerks as a reward for your service in 
obtaining it 1 " 

" It is very true, sir," — and, as I confessetl it, poor Mary began 
to wipe her eyes, and Giis's ears (I couhl not see his face) looked 
like two red-hot muffins — 'Mt's quite true, sir; and, as matters 
have turned out, I am heartily sorry fur what I did. But at the 
time I thought I coidd serve my aunt as well as myself; and you 
most remember, then, how high our shares were." 

"Well, sir, having procured this sum of money, you were 
straightway taken into Mr. Brough 's confidence. You were re- 
ceived into his house, and from third clerk speedily became head 
clerk ; in which post you were foun<l at the disappearance of your 
worthy patron ! * 

" Sir, you have no right to question me, to be sure ; but here 
are a hundred of our shareholders, and I'm not unwilling to make 
a dean breast of it," said I, pressing Mary's hand. " I certainly 
wa$ the head clerk. And why ? Because the other gents left the 
office. I certainly was received into Mr. Brough's house. And 
why f Because, sir my aunt had more money to lay out. I see 
it an clearly now, though I could not understand it then ; and the 
proof that Mr. Brough wanted my aunt's money, and not me^ is 

3 o 



^v 



98 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

that, when she came to town, oar Director carried her by force 
out of my house to Fulham, and never so much as thought of 
asking me or my wife thither. Ay, sir, and he would have had 
her remaining money, had not her lawyer from the country pre- 
yented her disposing of it. Before the concern finally broke, and 
as soon as she heard there was doubt concerning it, she took back 
her shares — scrip shares they were, sir, as you know — and has dis- 
posed of them as she thought fit. Here, sir, and gents," says I, 
" you have the whole of the history as far as regards me. In order 
to get her only son a means of livelihood, my mother placed her 
little money with the Company — it is lost. My aunt invested 
larger sums with it, which were to have been mine one day, and 
they are lost too ; and here am I, at the end of four years, a dis- 
graced and ruined man. Is there any one present, however much 
he has sufiered by the £ulure of the Company, that has had worse 
fortune through it than I ? '' 

"Mr. Titmarsh," says Mr. Commissioner, in a much more 
friendly way, and at the same time casting a glance at a news- 
paper reporter tliat was sitting hanl by, " your story is not likely 
to get into the newspapers ; for, as you say, it is a private aifair, 
which you had no need to speak of unless you thought proper, and 
may be considered as a confidential conversation between us and 
the other gentlemen here. But if it could be made public, it might 
do some good, and warn people, if they will be warned, against the 
folly of such enterprises as that in which you have been engaged. 
It is quite clear fix)m your story, that you have been deceived as 
grossly as any one of the persons present. But look you, sir, if you 
had not been so eager after gain, I think you would not have allowed 
yourself to be deceived, and would have kept your relative's money, 
and inherited it, according to your story, one day or other. Directly 
people expect to make a large interest, their judgment seems to 
desert them ; and because they wish for profit, they think they are 
sure of it, and disregard all warnings and all pnulence. Besides 
the hundreds of honest families who have been ruined by merely 
placing confidence in this Association of yours, and who deserve the 
heartiest pity, there are hundreds more who have embarked in it, 
like yourself, not for investment, but for speculation; and these, 
upon my word, deserve the fate they have met with. As long as 
dividends are paid, no questions are asked ; and l^Ir. Brough might 
have taken the money for his shareholders on the high-road, and 
they would have pocketed it, and not been too ciuious. But what's 
the use of talking ] " says Mr. Commissioner, in a passion : " here 
is one rogue detectal, and a thousand dupes made ; and if another 
swindler starts to-morrow, there will be a thousand more of his 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 99 

victims round this table a year hence; and so, I suppose, to the 
end. And now let's go to business, gentlemen, and excuse this 



sermon.'' 



After giving an account of all I knew, which was very little, 
other gents who were employed in the concern were examined ; and 
I went back to prison, with my poor little wife on my arm. We 
had to pass through the crowd in the rooms, and my heart bled as 
I saw, amongst a score of others, poor Gates, Brough's porter, who 
had advanced every shilling to his master, and was now, with ten 
children, houseless and penniless in his old age. Captain Sparr was 
in this nciglibourhood, but by no means so friendly disposed ; for 
while Gates touched his hat, as if I had been a lord, the little 
Captain came forward threatening with his bamb(K>-cane and swear- 
ing with great oaths that I was an accomplice of Brough. *' Curse 
you for a smooth-faced scoundrel ! " says he. " What business have 
you to niin an English gentleman, as you have me ? " And again 
he advanced with his stick. But this time, officer as he was, Gus 
took him by the collar, and shoved him back, and said, " Look at 
the lady, you brute, and hold your tongue ! " And when he looked 
at my wife's situation. Captain Sparr became redder for shame than 
he had before been for anger. " I'm sorry she's married to such a 
good-for-nothing," muttered he, and fell back ; and my ptwr wife 
and I walked out of the court, and back to our dismal room in 
the prison. 

It was a hard place for a gentle creature like her to \ie confined 
in ; and I longe<l to have some of my relatives with lier when her 
time should come. But her grandmother could not leave the old 
lieutenant ; and my mother had \iTitten to say that, as Mrs, 
Hoggarty was with us, she was quite as well at home with her 
children. " What a blessing it is for you, under your misfortunes," 
continued the good soul, " to have the generous purse of yoiu- aunt 
for succoiu" ! " Generous purse of my aunt, indeed ! Where could 
Mrs. Hoggarty be ? It was evident tliat she had not written to any 
of her friends in the country, nor gone thither, as she thn»atened. 

But as my mother had alrea<ly lost so much money thnui^'h my 
onfortunate luck, and as she had enough to <lo with her little pittance 
to keep my sisters at home ; and as, on hearing of my condition, 
she would infallibly have sold her last gqwn to bring me aid, Mary 
and I agreed that we wouhl not let her know what our real condi- 
tion was — ba<l enough ! Heaven knows, and sad and cheerless. Old 
Lieutenant Smith ha<l likewise nothing but his half-pay and his 
rheumatism ; so we were, in fact, (juite friendless. 

That period of my life, and that horrible prison, seem to me 
like redo M te ttimui of some fever. What an awful place ! — sot for 



loo THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

the sadness, strangely enough, as I thought, but for the gaiety of 
it ; for the long prison galleries were, I remember, full of life and a 
sort of grave bustle All day and all night doors were clapping to 
and fro ; and you heard loud voices, oaths, footsteps, and laughter. 
Next door to oin: room was one where a man sold gin, under the 
name of tape ; and here, from morning till night, the people k^ 
up a horrible revelry; — and sang — sad songs some of them: but 
my dear little girl was, thank Gud ! unable to un<lerstand the most 
pflurt of their ribaldry. She never used to go out till nightfisdl ; and 
all day she sat working at a little store of caps and dresses fix the 
expected stranger — and not, she says to this day, unhappy. But 
the confinement sickened her, who had been used to happy country 
air, and she grew daily paler and paler. 

The Fives Court was opposite our window ; and here I used, 
very unwillingly at first, but afterwards, I do confess, with much 
eagerness, to take a couple of hours' daily sport. All ! it was a 
strange place. There was an aristocracy there as elsewhere, — 
amongst other gents, a son of my Lord Deuceace ; and many of the 
men in the prison were as eager to walk with him, and talked of 
his family as knowingly, as if they were Bond Street bucks. Poor 
Tidd, especially, was one of these. Of all his fortune he had 
nothing left but a dressing-case and a flowered dressing-gown ; and 
to these possessions he added a fine pair of moustaches, with which 
the poor creature stnitted about ; and though cursing his ill-fortune, 
was, I do believe, as happy whenever his friends brought him a 
guinea, as he had been during his brief career as a gentleman on 
town. I liave seen sauntering dandies in watering-places ogling the 
women, watching eageriy for steamboats and stage-coaches as if 
their lives depended upon them, and strutting all day in jackets up 
and down the public walks. Well, there are such fellows in prison : 
quite as dandified and foolish, only a little more shabby — dandies 
with dirty beards and holes at their elbows. 

I did not go near what is called the poor side of the prison — I 
dared not, that was the fact. But oiur little stock of money was 
running low ; and my heart sickened to think what might be my 
dear wife's fate, and on what sort of a couch our child might be 
bom. But Heaven spared me that pang, — Heaven, and my dear 
good fnend, Gus Hoskins. 

The attorneys to whom Mr. Smithers recommended me, told me 
that I could get leave to live in the rules of the Fleet, could I 
procure sureties to the marshal of the prison for the amount of the 
detainer lodged against me ; but though I looked Mr. Blatherwick 
hard in the &ce, he never offered to give the bail for me, and I 
knew no housekeeper in London who would procure it. There was, 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND loi 

howeyer, one whom I did not know, — and that was old Mr. Hoskins, 
the leathcFBeller of Skinner Street, a kind fat gentleman, who 
brought his fat wife to see Mrs. Titmaish ; and though the lady 
gave herself rather patronising airs (her husband being free of the 
Skinners' Company, and bidding fair to be Alderman, nay, Lord 
Mayor of the first city in the world), she seemed heartily to sympa- 
thise with us; and her husband stirred and bustled about until 
the re(|uiBite leave was obtoineil, and I was allowed comparatiye 
liberty. 

Ab for lodgings, they were soon had. My old landlady, Mrs. 
Stokes, sent her Jemima to say that her first floor was at our 
service ; and when we liad taken possession of it, and I offered at 
the entl of the week to pay her bill, the good soul, with tears in 
her eyes, told me that she did not want for money now, and that 
she knew I had enough to do with what I had. I did not refuse 
her kindness; for, indeed, I lia<l but five guineas left, and ought 
not by rights to have thought of such expensive apartments as 
hers ; but my wife's time was very near, an<l I could not bear to 
think that she should want for any comfort in her lying-in. 

The admirable woman, with whom the Misses Hoskins came 
every day to keep company — and very nice, kind ladies they are — 
recovered her health a gixxl deal, now she was out of the odious 
prison and was enabled to take exercise. How gaily did we pace 
up and down Bridge Street and Chatham Place, to be sure ! and 
yet, in truth, I was a beggar, and felt sometimes ashamed of being 
HO happy. 

With reganl to the liabilities of the Compjmy my mind was 
now mxule quite easy ; for the creditors could only come upon our 
directors, and these it was rather <liflicult to find. Mr. Brough was 
across the water ; and I must say, to the credit of tliat gentleman, 
that while everybody thought he had nm away with hundreds of 
thousands of pounds, he wsis in a garret at Boulogne, with scarce a 
shilling in his pocket, and his fortune to make afresh. Mrs. Brough. 
like a good bravo woman, remained faithful to him, and only left 
Fulham with the gown on her back ; and Miss Belinda, though 
grumbling and sadly out of tcmi)er, was no better off. For the 
other directors, — when they came to imiiure at E<linburgh for Mr. 
Mull, W.S., it appearetl there teas a gentleman of that name, who 
had practised in £<linburgh with good reputation ur.til 1800, since 
when he had retinal to the Isle of Skye ; and on l)eing applied to, 
knew no more of the West Diddlesex Association than Queen Anne 
did. General Sir Dionysius 0*Halloran hafl abruptly quitted 
Dublin, and returned to the republic of Gimtemala. Mr. Shirk 
went into the Gazette. Mr. Macraw, M.P. and King's Counsel, 



loi THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

had not a sin^^e guinea in the world but what he received for at- 
tending our board ; and the only man seizable was Mr. Manatraw, 
a wealthy navy contractor, as we imderstood, at Chatham. He 
turned out to be a small dealer in marine stores, and his whole 
stock in trade was not worth XIO. Mr. Abednego was the other 
director, and we have already seen what became of him. 

" Why, as there is no danger from the West Diddlesex," sug- 
gested Mr. Hoskins, senior, ''should you not now endeavour to 
make an arrangement with your creditors; and who can make a 
better bargain with them than pretty Mrs. Titmarsh here, whose 
sweet eyes would soften the hardest-hearted tailor or milliner that 
ever lived ? " 

Accordingly my dear girl, one bright day in February, shook me 
by the hand, and bidding me be of good cheer, set forth with Gus 
in a coach, to pay a visit to those persons. Little did I think a 
year before, that the daughter of the gsQlant Smith should ever be 
compelled to be a suppliant to tailors and haberdashers ; but she^ 
Heaven bless her ! felt none of the shame which oppressed me — or 
iaid she felt none — and went away, nothing doubting, on her errand. 

In the evening she came back, and my heart thumped to know 
the news. I saw it was bad by her face. For some time she did 
not speak, but looked as pale as death, and wept as she kissed me. 
'' You speak, Mr. Augustus," at last said she, sobbing ; and so Gus 
told me the circumstances of that dismal day 

" What do you think, Sam ? " says he ; " that infernal aunt of 
yours, at whose command you had the things, has written to the 
tradesmen to say that you are a swindler and impostor ; that you 
give out that she ordered the goods ; that she is ready to drop down 
dead, and to take her Bible-oath she never did any such thing, and 
that they must look to you alone for payment. Not one of them 
would hear of letting you out ; and as for Mantalini, the scoundrel 
was so insolent that I gave him a box on the ear, and would have 
half-killed him, only poor Mary — Mrs. Titmarsh I mean — screamed 
and Mnted : and I brought her away, and here she is, as ill as 
can be." 

That night, the indefatigable Gus was obliged to nm post-haste 
for Doctor Salts, and next morning a little boy was bom. I did 
not know whether to be sad or happy, as they showed me the little 
weakly thing ; but Mary was the happiest woman, she declared, in 
the world, and foigot all her sorrows in nursing the poor baby ; she 
went bravely through her time, and vowed that it was the loveliest 
child in the world ; and that though Lady Tiptoflf, whose confinement 
we read of as having taken phice the same day, might have a silk 
bed and a fine house in Grosvenor Square, she never never could 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 103 

have such a beautiful child as our dear little Gus : for after whom 
should vre have named the boy, if not after our good kind friend ? 
We had a little party at the christening, and I ajBSure you were very 
merry over our tea. 

The mother, thank Heaven ! waa very well, and it did one's 
heart good to see her in that attitude in which I think every woman, 
be she ever so plain, looks beautiful — with her baby at her bosom. 
The chihl was sickly, but she did not see it ; we were very poor, 
but what cared she ? She had no leisure to be sorrowful as I was : 
I had my last guinea now in my pocket ; and when that was gone 
— ah ! my heart sickened to think of what was to come^ and I 
prayed for strength and guidance, and in the midst of my perplexities 
felt yet thankful that the danger of the confinement was over ; and 
that for the worst fortune which was to befall us, my dear wife was 
at least prepared, and strong in health. 

I told Mrs. Stokes that she must let us have a cheaper room — 
a garret that should cost but a few shillings ; and though the good 
woman bade me remain in the apartments we occupied, yet, now 
that my wife was well, I felt it would be a crime to deprive my kind 
landlady of her chief means of livelihood ; and at length she promised 
to get me a garret as I wanted, and to make it as comfortable as 
might be ; and little Jemima declared that she would be glad beyond 
measure to wait on the motlier and the cliild. 

The room, then, was made ready ; and though I took some pains 
not to speak of the arrangement too suddenly to Mary, yet there 
was no need of disguise or hesitation ; for when at last I told her — 
" Is that all ? " said she, and took my hand with one of her blessed 
smiles, and vowed that she and Jemima would keep the room as 
pretty an<l neat as possible. " And I will cook your dinners,'' added 
she ; " for you know you said I make the best n)ly-poly puddings in 
the world." God bless her I I do think some women almost love 
poverty : but I did not tell Mary how poor I was, nor had she any 
Idea how lawyers', and prison s, and doctors' fees had diminishe<l the 
sum of money which she brought me when we came to the Fleet. 

It was not, however, destine<l that she and her child shoidd in- 
habit that little garret. We were to leave our lodging^ on Monday 
morning ; but on Saturday evening the child was seized with con- 
vulsions, and all Sunday the mother watche<l and prayed for it : 
but it pleased Go<l to take the innocent infant from us, and on 
Simday, at midnight, it lay a c«)r|)se in its mother's bosom. Amen. 
We have other children, happy and well, now round about us, and 
from the father's heart the memor>' of this little thing has almost 
fiuie<l ; but I do believe that every day of her life the mother thinks 
of the firstborn that was with her for so short a while : many and 



I04 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

many a time has she taken her danghtens to the graTe, in Saint 
Bride's, where he lies buried; and she veais still at her neck a 
little little lock of gold hair, which she took from the head of the 
infimt as he lay smiling in his coffin. It has happened to. me to 
forget the child's birthday, but to her never; and often in the 
midst of common talk comes something that shows she is tliinlrif^ 
of the child still, — some simple allusion that is to me inexpressibly 
affecting. 

I shall not try to describe her grief^ for such things are sacred 
and secret ; and a man has no business to place them on paper fin* 
all the world to read. Nor should I have mentioned the child's 
loss at all, but that even that loss was the means of a great 
worldly blessing to us ; as my wife has often with tears and thanks 
acknowledged. 

While my wife was weeping over her child, I am ashamed to^) 
say I was distracted with other feelings besides those of grief for , 
its loss ; and I have often since thought what a master — ^nay, ' 
destroyer— of the affections want is, and have learned from expe-/ 
rience to be thankful for daily bread. That acknowledgment of/ 
weakness which we make in imploring to be relieved from hunger! 
and from temptation, is surely wisely put in oiu* daily prayer. ThinkI 
of it, you who are rich, and take heed how you turn a beggar away. \ 

The child lay there in its wicker cradle, with its sweet tixed 
smile in its &ce (I think the angels in heaven must have been glad ' 
to welcome that pretty innocent smile) ; and it was only the next 
day, after my wife had gone to lie down, and I sat keeping watch 
by it, that I remembered the condition of its parents, and thought, 
I can't tell with what a pang, that I had not money left to bury 
the little thing, and wept bitter tears of despair. Now, at last, 
I thought I must apply to my poor mother, for this was a sacred 
necessity ; and I took paper, and wrote her a letter at the baby's 
side, and told her of our condition. But, thank Heaven ! I never 
sent the letter ; for as I went to the desk to get sealing-wax and 
seal that dismal letter, my eyes fell upon the diamond-pin that I had 
quite foigotten, and that was lying in the drawer of the desk. 

I looked into the bedroom, — my poor wife was asleep ; she had 
been watching for tliree nights and days, and hatl fallen asleep from 
sheer fiitigue ; and I ran out to a pawnbroker's with the diamond, and 
received seven guineas for it, and coming back, put the money into 
the landlady's hand, and told her to get what was needful. My wife 
was still asleep when I came back ; and when she woke, we per- 
suaded her to go downstairs to the landla^ly's parlour; and mean- 
while the necessary preparations were made, and the poor child 
consigned to its coffin. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 105 

The next day, after all was over, Mrs. Stokes gave me back three 
out of the seven guineas ; and then I could not help sobbing out to 
her my doubts and wretchedness, telling her that this was the last 
money I had ; and when that was gone I knew not what was to 
become of the best wife that ever a man was blest with. 

My wife was downstairs with the woman. Poor Gus, who was 
with mc, and quite as much affected as ^y of the party, took me by 
the arm, and led me downstairs ; and we quite foi^t all about the 
prison and the rules, and walked a long long way across Blackfriars 
Bridge, the kind fellow striving as much as possible to console me. 

When we came back, it was in the evening. The first person 
who met me in the house was my kind mother, who fell into my 
arms with many tears, and who rebuked me tenderly for not having 
told her of my necessities. She never should have known of them, 
she said ; but she had not heard from me since I wrote annoimcing 
the birth of the child, and she felt uneasy about my silence ; and 
meeting; Mr. Smithcrs in the street, askc<l from him news concerning 
me : whereupon that gentleman, with some little show of alarm, told 
her that he thought her daughter-in-law was confined in an uncomfort- 
able i>lace ; that Mrs. Hoggarty had left us ; finally, that I was in 
prison. This news at once despatched my poor mother on her travels, 
and she liad only just come from the prison, where she leamc<l my 
address. 

I asked her whether she had seen my wife, and how she found 
her. Rather to my amaze she said that Mary was out with the 
landlady when she arrived ; and eight — nine o'clock came, and she 
was absent stilL 

At ten o'clock returned — not my wife, but Mrs. Stokes, and with 
her a gentleman, who shook Imnds with me on coming into the room, 
and said, " Mr. Titmarsh, I don't know whether you will remember 
me : my name is Tiptoff. I have bnmglit you a note from Mrs. 
Titmarsh, and a message from my wife, who sincerely commiserates 
your loss, and begs you will not be uneasy at Mrs. Titmarsh's 
absence. She has been good enough to promise to pass the night 
with Lmly Tiptoff ; and I am sure you will not object to her being 
away from you, while hIic is giving happiness to a sick mother ami a 
sick child." After a few more wonls, my Lord left us. My wife's 
note only said that Mrs. Stokes would tell me all. 



CHAPTER XIII 

IK WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS THE BEST 
DIAMOND A MAN CAN WEAR IN HIS BOSOM 

MRS. TITMARSH, ma'am," says Mrs. Stokes, "before I 
gratify your curiosity, ma'am, permit mc to observe that 
angels is scarce ; and it's rare to have one, much more two^ 
in a family. Both your son and your daughter-in-law, ma'am, aie 
of that uncommon sort ; they are, now, reely, ma'am." 

My mother said she thanked God for both of us ; and Mrs. 
Stokes proceeded : — 

"When the fu when the seminary, ma'am, was concluded 

this morning, yoiu* poor daughter-in-law was glad to take snelter in 
my humble parlour, ma'am ; where she wept, and told a thousand 
stories of the little cherub that's gone. Heaven bless us I it was 
here but a month, and no one could have thought it could have 
done such a many things in that time. But a mother's eyes are 
clear, ma'am; and I had just such another angel, my dear little 
Antony, that was born before Jemima, and would have been twenty- 
three now were he in this wicked world, ma'am. However, I won't 
speak of him, ma'am, but of what took place. 

" You must know, ma'am, that Mrs. Titmarsh remained down- 
stairs while Mr. Samuel was talking with his friend Mr. Hoskins ; 
and the poor thing would not touch a bit of dinner, though we had 
it made comfortable ; and after dinner, it was with difficulty I oould 
get her to sup a little drop of wine-and-water, and dip a toast in it. 
It was the first morsel that had passed her lips for many a long 
hour, ma'am. 

" Well, she would not speak, and I thought it best not to inter- 
rupt her; but she sat and looked at my two youngest that were 
playing on the rug; and just as Mr. Titmarsh and his friend Gus weni 
out, the boy brought the newspaper, ma'am, — it always comes from 
three to four, and I began a-rea<ling of it. But I couldn't read much, 
for thinking of poor Mr. Sam's sad face as he went out, and the 
sad story he told me about his money being so low ; and every now 
and then I stopped reading, and bade Mrs. T. not to take on so ; 
and told her some stories about my dear little Antony. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 107 

'" Ah ! ' says she, sobbing, and looking at the young ones, ' you 
have other .children, Mrs. Stokes ; but that — that was my only 
one ; ' and she flung back in her chair, and cried fit to break her 
heart : and I knew that the cry would do her good, and so went 
back to my paper — the Morning Post, ma'am ; I always read it, ^ 
for I like to know what's a-going on in the West End. ^ 

" Tho very first thing that my eyes lighted upon wa» this : — 

* Wanted, immediately, a respectable person as wet-nurse. Apply 
at No. — Grosvenor Square.* * Bless us and save us ! ' says I, 

* here's poor Lady Tiptoff ill ; ' for I knew her Ladyship's address, 
and how she was confined on the very same day with Mrs. T. : 
and, for the matter of that, her Ladyship knows my address, having 
visited here. 

'*A sudden thought came over me. *My dear Mrs. Titmarsh,' 
said I, ' you know how poor and how good your husband is ? ' 

" * Yes,' says she, rather surprised. 

" * Well, my dear,' says I, looking her hanl in the foce. * Lady 
Tiptoff, who knows him, wants a nurse for her son. Lord Poynings. 
Will you be a brave woman, and look for the place, and mayhap 
replace the little one that €rod has taken from you 1 ' 

'* She began to tremble and blush ; and then I told her what 
you, Mr. Sam, had told me the other day about your money 
matters ; and no sooner did she hear it than she spnmg to her 
bonnet, and said, ' Come, come : ' and in five minutes she had me 
by the arm, and we walked together to Gn«%'e«or Square. The 
air di<l her no harm. Mr. Sam, and during the whole of the walk 
she never cried but once, and then it was at seeing a nurserj'-maid 
in the Square. 

" A great fellow in livery opens the door, and says, * You're the 
forty-fifth as come about this 'ere place ; but, fiist, let me ask you 
a preliminary question. Are you a H irishwoman ? ' 

" No, sir,' says Mrs. T. 

" * That sufllshnt, mem,' says the gentleman in plush ; * I see 
you're not by your axnt. Step this way, ladies, if you please. 
Youll find some more candidix for the place ujistairs ; but I sent 
away forty-four hupplimnts, l)ecause they tv<i4 Hirish.* 

"We were taken ujistairs over very soft oari»et*, an<l brought 
into a room, and told by an old lady who was there to 8|)ettk very 
softly, for my Lady was only two nwms off. And when I asked 
how the baby and her Lailyship were, the old lady told me both 
were pretty well : only the (loctor said La<ly Tiptoflf was too delicate 
to nurse any longer ; and so it was considered necessary to have a 
wei-mme. 

''There was another young woman in the room — a tall fine 



io8 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

woman as ever you saw — that looked very angry and contempahioiis 
at Mis. T. and me, and said, ' IVe brought a letter finam the duchess 
whose daughter I nust; and I think, Mrs. Blenkinsop, mem, my 
Lady Tiptoff may look &r before she finds such another nuss as me. 
Five feet six high, had the smallpox, married to a corporal in the 
Lif<^:uard8, perfectly healthy, best of charactiers, only drink water ; 
and as for the child, ma'am, if her Ladyship had six, I've a plenty 
for them alL' 

'* As the woman was making this speech, a little gentleman in 
black came in from the next room, treading as if on velvet. The 
woman got up, and made him a low curtsey, and folding her aims 
on her great broad chest, repeated the speech she had made before. 
Mrs. T. did not get up from her chair, but only made a sort of a 
bow ; which, to be siue, I thought was ill manners, as this gentle- 
man was evidently the apothecary. He looked hard at her and said, 
' Well, my good woman, and are you come about the place too 1 ' 

" ' Yes, sir,* says she, blushing. 

" * You seem very delicate. How old is your cliild ? How 
many have you had 7 What character have you 1 ' 

" Your wife didn't answer a word ; so I stepped up, and said, 
' Sir,' says I, ' this lady has just lost her first child, and isn't used 
to look for places, being the daughter of a captain in the navy ; so 
you'll excuse her want of manners in not getting up when you 
came in.' 

" The doctor at this sat down and began talking very kindly to 
her; he said he was afraid that her application would be unsuc- 
cessfid, as Mrs. Homer came very strongly recommended from the 
Duchess of Doncaster, whose relative Lady Tiptoff was ; and pre- 
sently my Lady appeared, looking very pretty, ma'am, in an elegant 
lace-cap and a sweet muslin robe-de-sham. 

" A nurse came out of her Ladyship's room with her ; and while 
my Lady was talking to us, walked up and down in the next room 
with something in her arms. 

" First, my Lady spoke to Mrs. Homer, and then to Mrs. T. ; 
but all the while she was talking, Mrs. Titmarsh, rather mdely, as 
I thought, ma'am, was looking into the next room : looking — looking 
at the baby there with all her might. My Lady asked her her 
name, and if she had any character; and as she did not speak, I 
spoke up for her, and said she was the wife of one of the best 
men in the world; that her Ladyship knew the gentleman, too, 
and had brought him a haunch of venison. Then Lady Tiptoff 
looked up quite astonished, and I told the whole story : how you 
had been head clerk, and that rascal, Brough, had brought you to 
ruin. * Poor thing ! * said my I^y : Mrs. Titmarsh did not speak. 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 109 

but still kept looking at the baby ; and the great big grenadier of a 
Birs. Homer looked angrily at her. 

"*Poor thing!' says my Lady, taking Mrs. T.'s hand very 
kind, 'she seems very young. How old arc you, my dearl' 

" * Five weeks and two days 1 ' says your wife, sobbing. 

" Mrs. Homer burst into a laugh ; but there was a tear in my 
Laily's eyes, for she knew what the poor thing was a-thinking of. 

" * Silence, woman ! ' says she angrily to the great grenadier 
woman ; and at this moment the child in the next room began 
crying. 

"As soon as your wife heard the noise, she spmng from her 
chair and moile a step forward, and put both her liaiids to her 
breast and said, ' The child — tlie child — give it me ! * and then 
began to cry again. 

" My Lady looked at her for a moment, and then ran into the 
next room and brought her the baby ; and the baby clung to her as 
if he knew her : and a pretty sight it was to see that dear woman 
with the child at her bosom. 

"When my Lady saw it, what do you think she did] After 
looking on it for a bit, she put her arms round your wife s neck and 
kissed her. 

" ' My dear,' said she, ' I am sure you are as good as you are 
pretty, and you shall keep the child : and I thank God for sending 
you to me ! ' 

" These were her very words ; and Dr. Bland, who was standing 
by, says, ' It's a second judgment of Solomon ! ' 

"'I sup{)06e, my I^ly, you don't want mef* says the big 
woman, with another curtsey. 

" * Not in the least ! ' answers my Lady haughtily, and the 
grenailier left the room : and then I told all your story at full length, 
and Mrs. Blenkinsop kept me to too, and I saw the l)cautiful room 
that Mrs. Titmarsh is to have next to Lady Tiptoff's ; and when 
my Lord came home, what does he do but insist upon coming back 
with me here in a ha<*kney>coach, as he said he niuHt apologise 
to you for keeping your wife away." 

I could not help, in my own mind, connecting this strange event 
which, in the midst of our sorrow, came to console us, and in our 
poverty to give us bread, — I could not help connecting it with the 
diamond-pin^ and fancying that the disappearance of tliat ornament 
had somehow brought a different and a better sort of luck into my 
fiunily. And though some gents who read this, may call me a poor- 
spirited fellow for allowing my wife to go out to service, who was 
bml a lady and ought to have servants herself: yet, for my part^ I 
oooftea I did not feel one minute's scruple or mortification on the 



no THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

subject K you love a person, is it not a pleasure to feel obliged to 
him ? And this, in consequence, I felt. I was proud and happy at 
being able to think that my dear wife should be able to labour and 
earn bread for me, now misfortune had put it out of my power to 
support me and her. And now, instead of making any reflectiooB 
of my own upon prison discipline, I will recommend the reader to 
consult that admirable chapter in the Life of Mr. Pickwick in which 
the same theme is handl^ and ynf^ch shows how silly it is to 
deprive honest men of the means of labour just at the mo ment w hen 
they most want it. What could I do? There were one--er-two 
gents in the prison who could work (literary gents, — one wrote 
his ''Travels in Mesopotamia,' and the other his "Sketches at 
Almack's," in the place) ; but all the occupation I could find was 
walking down BriHge Street, and then up Bridge Street, and staring 
at Alderman Waithman's windows, and then at the black man who 
swept the crossing. I never gave him anything ; but I envied him 
his trade and his broom, and the money that continually fell into 
his old hat. But I was not allowed even to carry a broom. 

Twice or thrice — for Lady Tiptoff did not wish her little boy 
often to breathe the air of such a close place as Salisbury Square — 
my dear Mary came in the thundering carriage to see me. They 
were merry meeting ; and — if the truth must be told — twice, when 
nobody was by, I jumped into the carriage and had a drive with 
her ; and when I had seen her home, jumped into another hackney- 
coach and drove back. But this was only twice ; for the system was 
dangerous, and it might bring me into trouble, and it cost three 
shillings fh)m Grosvenor Square to Ludgate Hill 

Here meanwhile, ray good mother kept me company ; and 
what should we read of one day but the marriage of Mrs. Hoggarty 
and the Rev. Grimes Wapshot ! My mother, who never loved Mrs. 
H., now said that she should repent all her life having allowed me 
to spend so much of my time with that odious ungratefid woman ; 
and added that she and I too were justly punished for worshipping 
the mammon of unrighteousness and forgetting our natural feelings 
for the sake of my aunt's paltry lucre. " Well, Amen ! " said L 
" This is the end of all our fine schemes ! My aunt's money and 
my aunt's diamond were the causes of my ruin, and now they are 
dear gone, thank Heaven ! and I hope the old lady will be happy ; 
and I must say I don't envy the Rev. Grimes Wapshot." So we 
put Mrs. Hoggarty out of our thoughts, and made ourselves as 
comfortable as might be. 

Rich and great people are slower in making Christians of their 
children than we poor ones, and little Lord Poynings was not 
christened until the month of June. A duke was one godfkther, 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND iii 

and Mr. Edmund Preston, the State Secretary, another ; and that 
kind Lady Jane Preston, whom I have before spoken of, was the 
godmother to her nephew. She had not long been made acquainted 
with my wife's history; and both she and her sister loved her 
heartily and were very kind to her. Indeed, there was not a 
single soul in the house, high or low, but was fond of that good 
sweet creature ; and the very footmen were as ready to serve her 
as they were their own mistress. 

" I tell you what, sir," says one of them. " You see, Tit^ my 
boy, Fra a connyshurc, and up to snough ; and if ever I i»ee a 
lady in my life, Mrs. Titmarsh is one. I can't be fimiliar with 
her— IVe tried " 

" Have you, sir 1 " said I. 

'* Don*t look so indignant ! I can't, I say,* be fimiliar with 
her as I am with you. There's a somethink in her, a jennysquaw, 
that haws me, sir ! and even my Lord's own man, that 'as 'ad as 
much success as any gentleman in Europe — he says that, cuss 
him " 

" Mr. Charles," says I, " tell my Loni's own man that, if he 
wants to keep his place and his whole skin, he will never address 
a single word to that lady but such as a servant should utter in 
the presence of his mistress ; and take notice that I nni a gentle- 
man, though a poor one, and will munler the first man who does 
her wrong ! " 

Mr. Charles only said " Gammin ! " to this : but {wha ! in 
bragging about my own spirit, I forgot to say what great good- 
fortune my dear wife's conduct procured for me. 

On the christening-day, Mr. Preston offered her first a five, 
and then a twenty-pound note ; but she declined either ; but she 
did not decline a present that the two latlies made her together, 
and this was no other than my release from the Flett, Lord 
TiptoiTs lawyer paid every one of the bills against me, and that 
happy christening-day macle me a free man. Ah ! who shall tell 
the pleasure of that day, or the merry dinner we had in Mary's 
room at Loni Tiptoff's house, when my Lonl and my Laily came 
upstairs to shake hands with me ! 

"I have been si)eaking to Mr. Preston," says my Lonl, "the 
gentleman with whom you hmi the memorable 4]uarn*], anil he has 
forgiven it, although he was in the MTong, and promises to do 
something for you. We are going down, meanwhile, to his house 
at Richmond ; anil be sure, Mr. Titmarsh, I will not fail to keep 
you in his miml." 

" J/ri. Titmarsh will do that," says my Lady ; " for Edmund 
it woefuUy smitten with her ! " And Mary blushed, and I laughed. 



112 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

and vre were all very happy: and sure enou^ there came fitmi 
Richmond a lett^ to me, stating that I was i^pointed fourth cleric 
in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, with a salary of J^O per 

Here perhaps my story ought to stop ; for I was happy at hat, 
and have never since, thank Heaven ! known want : but Gua 
insists that I should add how I gave up the place in the Tape and 
Sealing-wax Office, and for what reason. That excellent Lady Jane 

Preston is long gone, and so is Mr. P off in an apoplexy, and 

there is no harm now in telling the story. 

The het was, that Mr. Preston had fallen in love with Mary 
in a much more serious way than any of us imagined; for I do 
believe he invited his brother-in-law to Richmond for no other 
purpose than to pay court to his son's nurse. And one day, as I 
was coming post-haste to thank him for the place he had procured 
for me, being directed by Mr. Charles to the ** scrubbery," as he 
called it, which led down to the river — there, sure enough, I found 
Mr. Preston, on his knees too, on the gravel-walk, and before him 
Mary, holding the little lord. 

" Dearest creature ! " says Mr. Preston, " do but listen to me, 
and 111 make your husband consul at Timbuctoo ! He shall never 
know of it, I tell you : he can never know of it. I pledge you 
my word as a Cabinet Minister ! Oh, don't look at me in that arch 
way : by heavens, your eyes kill me ! " 

Mary, when she saw me, burst out laugliing, and ran down 
the lawn ; my Lord making a huge crowing, too, and holding out 
his little fat hands. Mr. Preston, who was a heavy man, was 
slowly getting up, when, catching a sight of me looking as fierce 
as the crater of Mount Etna, — he gave a start back and lost his 
footing, and rolled over and over, walloping into the water at the 
garden's edge. It was not deep, and he came bubbling and snorting 
out again in as much fright as fiir>*. 

" You d — d ungrateful villain ! " says be, " what do you stand 
there laughing for ] " 

"I'm waiting your orders for Timbuctoo, sir,'' says I, and 
laughed fit to die ; and so did my Lord Tiptoff and his party, who 
joined us on the lawn : and Jeames the footman came forward and 
helped Mr. Preston out of the water. 

*• Oh, you old sinner ! " says my Lord, as his brother-in-law came 
up the slope. " Will that heart of yours be always so susceptible, 
you romantic, apoplectic, immoral man ? " 

'Mr. Preston went away, looking blue with rage, and ill-treated 
his wife for a whole month afterwards. 

" At any rate," says my Lord, " Titmarsh here has got a place 



AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 113 

through our friend's unhappy attachment ; and Mrs. Titmarsh haa 
only laughed at him, so there is no harm there. It's an ill wind 
that blows nobody good, you know." 

*' Such a wind as that, my Lord, with due respect to you, shall 
never do good to me. I have learned in the past few years what 
it is to make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness ; and 
that out of such friendship no good comes in the end to honest 
men. It shall never be said that Sam Titmarsh got a place because 
a great man was in love with his wife ; and were the situation ten 
times as valuable, I should blush every day I entered the office* 
doors in thinking of the base means by which my fortune was made. 
.'Tou, have made me free^^ my Lord ; and, thank Grod ! I am willing 
to work. I can easily get a clerkship with the assistance of my 
friends ; and with that and my wife's income, we can manage 
honestly to face the world." 

This rather long si»cech I made with some animation ; for, look 
you, I was not over well pleased that his Lordship should think me 
capable of speculating in any way on my wife's beauty. 

My Lord at first turned re<l, and looked rather angry ; but at 
last he held out his hand and said, '' You are right, Titmarsh, and 
I am wrong ; and let mo tell you in confidence, that I think you 
are a very honest fellow. You shan't lose by your honesty, I 
promise you." 

Nor did I : for I am at this present moment Lonl TiptofiTs / 
steward and right-hand man : and am I not a happy father ? and | 
is not my wife loved and respected by all the country 1 and is not 
Gus Hoskins my brother-in-law, partner with his excellent father 
in the leather way, and the deUght of all his nephews and nieces 
for his tricks and fun ? 

As for Mr. Brough, that gentleman's history would fill a volume 
of itself. Since he vanished from the Lon(h)n world, he has become 
celebrated on the Continent, where he has acted a thousand parts, 
and met all sorts of changes of high and low fortune. One thing 
we may at least admire in the man, and that is, his undaunted 
courage; and I can't help thinking, as I have said before, that 
there must be some good in him, seeing the way in which ]m family 
arc faithful to him. With respect to Roundhand, I had best also 
speak tenderly. The case of Roundhand t*. Tidd is still in the 
memory of the public ; nor can I ever understand how Bill Tidd, so 
poetic as he waa, couhl ever take on with such a fat, odious, vulgar 
woman as Mrs. R, who was old enough to be his mother. 

As soon as we were in prosperity, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes Wapahot 
made overtures to be reconciknl to us ; and Mr. Wapshot laid bare 
to me all the baseness of Mr. Smithcn's conduct in the Brough 



114 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 

transaction. Smithers had also emleavounHl to pay his oouit to 
me, once when I went down to Somersetshire ; but I cut his pie- 
tensions short, as I have shown. '* He it was," said Mr. Wapshot^ 
" who induced Mrs. Grimes (Mrs. Hoggarty she was then) to pur- 
chase the West Diddlesex shares : receiving, of course, a large bonus 
for himself. But directly he found that Mrs. Hoggarty had fidlen 
into the liands of Mr. Brough, and that he should lose the income 
he made from the lawsuits with her tenants and from the manage- 
ment of her landed property, he determined to rescue her from that 
villain Brough, and came to town for the piupose. He also," 
added Mr. Wapshot, ''vented his malignant slander against me; 
but Heaven was pleased to frustrate his base schemes. In the pro- 
ceedings consequent on Brough's bankruptcy, Mr. Smithers could 
not appear ; for his own share in the transactions of the Company 
would have been most certainly shown up. During his absence 
fit)m London, I became the husband — the liappy husband— of your 
aunt. But though, my dear sir, I have been the means of bringing 
her to grace, I cannot disguise frt)m you that Mrs. W. has &ult8 
which all my pastoral care has not enabled me to eradicate. She 
is close of her money, sir — very close; nor can I make that charitable 
use of her property which, as a clergyman, I ought to do ; for she 
has tied up every shilling of it, and only allows me half-a-crown a 
week for pocket-money. In temper, too, she is ver}' violent. During 
the first years of our union, I strove with her ; ycii, I chastised her ; 
but her perseverance, I must confess, got the better of me. I make 
no more remonstrances, but am as a lamb in her hands, and she 
leads me whithersoever she pleases." 

Mr. Wapshot concluded his tale by borrowing half-a-crown from 
me (it was at the Somerset Coffee-house in the Strand, where he 
came, in the year 1832, to wait upon me), and I saw him go fix>m 
thence into tlic gin-shop oi)jK)8ito, and come out of the gin-shop 
half-an-hoiu- afterwards, reeling across the streets, and perfectly 
intoxicated 

He died next year : when his widow, who called herself Mrs. 
Hoggarty-Grimes- Wapshot, of Castle Hoggarty, said that over the 
grave of her saint all earthly resentments were foi^gotten, and pro- 
posed to come and live with us ; paying us, of course, a handsome 
remuneration. But this offer my wife and I re8i)e<'tfully declined ; 
and once more she altered her will, which once more she had made 
in our favour ; called us ungratefid wretches and jmrnpered menials, 
and left all her property to the Irish Hoggarties. But seeing my 
wife one day in a carriage with Lady Tiptoff, and hearing that we 
had been at the great ball at Tiptoff Castle, and that I had grown 
to be a rich man, she changed her mind again, sent for me on her 



AND THE GREAT HOGOARTY DIAMOND 115 

death-bed, and left me the iaimB of Slopperton and Squashtail, with 
all her BavingB for fifteen years. Peace be to her soul ! for certainly 
she left me a very pretty property. 

Though I am no literary man myself, my cousin Michael (who 
generally, when he is short of coin, comes down and passes a few 
months with us) says that my Memoirs may be of some use to the 
public (meaning, I suspect, to himself) ; and if so, I am glad to 
serve liim and them, and hereby take fiircwcll : bidding all gents 
who peruse this, to be cautious of their money, if they have it ; to 
be still more cautious of their friends' money ; to remember that 
great profits imply great risks ; and that the great shrewd capitalists 
of this country would not be content with four per cent, for their 
money, if they could securely get more : above all, I entreat them 
never to embark in any speculation, of which the conduct is not 
perfectly dear to them, and of which the agents are not perfectly 
open and loyal. 



THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES 



OF 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 



THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES 



OF 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 



CHAPTER I 

** TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION*' 

I THINK it but right tliat in making my appearance before the 
public I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. 
My card, as I leave it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, 
is as follows : — 



MAJOR GOLIAH OVHADY GAHAGAX, ILEJ.C.S., 

Commanding Battaiion of 

Irregular Hor^e^ 

AUMEDSUQGAR. 



Seeing, I say, this simple visiting .ticket, the worid will avoid any 
of thoHO awkwanl mistakes as to my person, which have been so 
frequent of late. There has been no end to the blunders rrganiing 
this humble title of mine, and the confusion thereby create<L When 
I {mblished my volume of ]M)ems, for instance, the Moimin^f Po$t 
news|)ap(>r remarked "that the L>Tic8 of the Heart, by Miss 
Gahagan, may be ranke<l among the sweetest flowrets of the t)re8cnt 
spring season." The Quarterly Review^ commenting upon my 
"Observations on the Pons Asinorum " (4to, London, 1836), called 
me " Doctor Galiagan,'' and so on. It was time to put an end to 
these mistakes, and I have taken the above simple remedy. 



I20 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OP 

I was ui^ged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in 
August last at the palace of the T — 1-r-es at Paris, the loTely 
young Duch-88 of Orl — ns (who, though she does not spesk 
English, understands it as well as I do), said to me in the softesi 
Teutonic, " Lieber Hen* Major, haben sie den Ahmednuggarischen- 
jager-battalion gelassenT' ^'Warum dennT' said I, quite aston- 
ished at her R — 1 H ss's question. The P — cess then spoke 

of some trifle from my pen, which was simply signed Qoliah 
Oahagan. 

There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H.R.H. put this 
question. 

" Conmient done?" said H.M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely 
at Count Mol^ ; *' le cher Major a quitt^ Tarm^ ! Nicolas done 

sera maitre de Flnde ! " H. M and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued 

their conversation in a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined, 
in a dreadful state of confusion. I blushed and stuttered, and 
murmured out a few incoherent words to explain — but it would not 
do — I could not recover my equanimity during the course of the 
dinner; and while endeavouring to help an English Duke, my 
neighboiu*, to poulet a PAusterlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms 
and three large greasy crodtes over his whiskers and shirt-frilL 
Another laugh at my expense. " Ah ! M. Ic Major," said the 

Q of the B-lg — ns archly, " vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet 

de Colonel" Her M y*8 joke will be better understood when 

I state that his Grace is the brother of a Minister. 

I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by 
mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little anecdote. 
I only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live 
at least in decent society. Verbum sat. 

But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of 
Goliah in full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Grahagan, 
who was also a Major (in the King's ser>ice), and whom I killed 
in a duel, as the public most likely knows. Poor Greg ! a very 
trivial dispute was the cause of our quarrel, which never would 
have originated but for the similarity of our names. The circum- 
stance was this : I had been lucky enough to render the Nawaub of 
Lucknow some trifling service (in the notorious affair of Choprasjee 
Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a gold toothpick-case directed 
to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course thought was for me : my 
brother madly claimed it ; we fought, and the consequence was, that 
in about three minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut 6), 
which eflectually did his business: — he was a good swordsman 
enough — I was the best in the universe. The most ridiculous 
part of the aflietir is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all — he 



MAJOR GAHAGAN zai 

liad left it on the Nawaub's table at tiffin. I can't conceive what 
madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble ; he hail 
much better have yielded it at once, when he saw I was determined 
to have it. From this alight specimen of my adventures, the reader 
will perceive that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; and, in 
fiEu:t, I may say that I have led a more remarkable life than any man 
in the service — I have been at more pitched battles, led more forlorn 
hopes, had more success among the fair sex, drunk hanler, read more, 
been a handsomer man than any officer now serving Her Majesty. 

When I first went to India in 1802, I was a raw comet of 
seventeen, with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, atliletic at 
all kinds of exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody else 
who would trust me, possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay 
of £120 a year. I need not say that with all these advantages I 
did that which a number of clever fellows have done before me — I 
fell in love, and proposed to marry immediately. 

But how to overcome the difficulty? — It is true that I loved 
Julia Jowler — loved her to madness ; but her father intended her 
for a Member of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish 
ensign. It was, however, my fate to make the passage to India 
(on board of the Samuel Snob East Indiaman, Captain Duffy) with 
this lovely creature, and my misfortune ipstantaneously to fall in 
love with her. We were not out of the Channel before I adored 
her, worshipped the deck which she trod* upon, kissed a thousand 
times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit. The same madness 
fell on every man in the shii). '^^^^ ^^^ mates fought about her at 
the Cape ; the surgeon, a sober pious Scotchman, from disappointed 
affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten spontaneous 
combustion ; and old Colonel Lilywiiite, carrying his wife and seven 
daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs. 
L., and made an attempt at suicide ; the captain himself told me, 
with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hitherto adored Mrs. Duffy, 
althotigh he had ha<l nineteen children by her. 

We used to call her the witi»h— there was magic in her beauty 
and in her voice. I was s|)ell-bound when I looked at her, and 
stark staring mad when she l(X)ked at me ! lustrous black eyes ! 
— O glossy night-bkck ringlets I — lijw I — dainty frocks of white 
muslin ! -0 tiny kid slippers ! — thougli old and gouty, Gahagan sees 
you still ! I recollect, off Ascension, she l(K»ked at me in her parti- 
cular way one day at dinner, just an I happened to be blowing on 
a piece of scalding hot green fat. I was stupefied at once — I thrust 
the entire morsel (alxiut ludf a pound) into my mouth. I maile no 
attempt to swallow, or to masticate it, but left it there for many 
minutet, burning, burning ! I had no skin to my palate for seven 



122 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

weeks after, and lived on rice water during the rest of the Toyage. 
The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia Joiirter 
over me. 

The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of 
storms, shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so 
forth, that (although I have experienced each of these in many 
varieties) I think it quite unnecessary to recount such tiifliiig 
adventures; suffice it to say, that during our five months' trqfei^ 
my mad passion for Julia daily increased ; so did the captain's and 
the surgeon's ; so did Colonel Lilywhite's ; so did the doctor's, tbe 
mate's — that of most part of the passengers, and a considentUe 
number of the crew. For myself^ I swore — ensign as I was — ^I 
would win her for my wife; I vowed that I would make her 
glorious with my sword — that as soon as I had made a &vourable 
impression on my commanding officer (which I did not doubt to 
create), I would lay open to him the state of my affections, and 
demand his daughter's hand. With such sentimental outpourings 
did our voyage continue and conclude. 

We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December 
1802, and then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was 
carried off to her papa's arms in a palankeen, surrounded by at 
least forty hookahbadars ; whilst the poor comet, attended but by 
two dandies and a solitaiy beasty (by which unnatural name these 
blackamoors are called), made his way humbly to join the regiment 
at headquarters. 

The — th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command 
of Lieut. -Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was kno^m throughout Asia 
and Eurojje by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles — so 
great was its character for bravery, so remarkable were its services 
in that delightful district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was 
next in command, and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a 
Mahratta tlirough the body, was second Major. We were on the 
eve of that remarkable war which was speedily to spreatl throughout 
the whole of India, to call forth the valour of a Wellesley, and the 
indomitable gallantry of a Gahagan ; which was illustrated by our 
victories at Ahmednuggar (where I was the first over the barricade 
at the storming of the Pettah) ; at Argaum, where I slew with my 
own swonl twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a dromedary in 
two; and by that terrible day of Assaye, where Wellesley would 
have been beaten but for me — me alone : I headed nineteen charges 
of cavalry, took (aided by only four men of my own troop) seventeen 
field-pieces, killing the scoundrelly French artillerymen ; on that 
day I had eleven elephants shot under me, and carried away Scindiah's 
nose-ring with a pistol-balL Wellesley is a Duke and a Marshal, 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 123 

I but a simple Migor of Irregulare. Such is fortune and war ! But 
my feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had better 
proceed with more order. 

On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first 
time put on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles : a light blue 
swallow-tailed jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented with 
about 3000 sugar-loaf buttons, rhubarb-coloured leather inexpressibles 
(tights), and red morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off 
to admiration the handsome persons of the officers of our corps. 
We wore powder in those days ; and a regulation pigtail of sevent^n 
inches, a brass helmet surrounded by leopard skin, with a bearskin 
top and a horsetail feather, gave the head a fierce and chivalrous 
appearance, which is far more easily imagined than described. 

Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself 
before Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely 
similar, but not being more than five feet in height, and weighing 
at least fifteen stone, the dress he wore did not become him quite 
so much as slimmer and taller men. Flanked by his tall Majors, 
Thrupp and Outch, he looked like a stimipy skittle-ball between 
two attenuated skittles. The plump little Colonel received me 
with vast conliality, and I speedily became a prime &vourite with 
himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was the most 
hospitable of men ; and gratifying my appetite and my love together, 
I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet 
presence of Julia. 

I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in 
those early days, that this Miss Jowler — on whom I had lavished 
my first and warmest love, whom I had endowetl with all perfection 
and purity — was no better than a little impudent fiirt, who played 
with my feelings, because diuing the monotony of a sea voyage she 
had no other toy to play with ; and who deserted others for me, 
and me for others, just as her whim or her interest might guide 
her. She had not been three weeks at lieadijuarters when half the 
regiment was in love with her. Each and all of the can<lidates had 
some &vour to boast of, or some encouraging hopes on which to 
baild. It was the scene of the Samuel Snob over again, only 
heightened in interest by a number of duels. The following list 
will give the reader a notion of some of them : — 

1. Comet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and 

Miners. Hicks received a ball in 
his jaw, and was ludf choked by a 
quantity of carroty whisker forced 
down his throat with the ball 



124 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

2. Captain MacgiUicuddy, Comet Gahagan. I wis nm 

B.N.I. through the body, but the vwi»d 

passed between the ribs, and in- 
jured me very slightly. 

3. Captain Macgillicuddy, Mr. Mulligatawny, RC.S., Deputj* 

B.N.I. Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of 

the Boggle>'wollah Indigo groniidfl^ 
Ramgolly branch. 

Macgillicuddy should have stuck to swonVs play, and he nu^t 
have come off in his second duel as well as in his first ; as it mn, 
the civilian placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his 
stomach. A remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an aoooimt 
of which I sent home to the *' Philosophical Transactions " : the 
surgeon had extracted the ball, and was going off, thinking that all 
was well, when the gold repeater stnick thirteen in poor MapgiUi- 
cuddy^s abdomen. I suppose that the works must have been 
disarrangeil in some way by the bullet, for the repeater was one 
of Barruud's, never known to fail l)efore, and the circumstance 
occurred at seven o'clock.* 

I could continue, almost ad infinitumy an account of the wars 
which this Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I 
shoidd think, satisfy the peacefiil reader. I delight not in scenes 
of blood. Heaven knows, but I was comjH'lle<l in the course of a 
few weeks, and for the sake of this one woman, to fight nine duels 
myself, and I know thut four times as many more took place 
wnceming her. 

I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a halfn^aste woman, who 
had been lx)m and bred entirely in India, and wliom tlie Colonel 
hatl married from the house of her mother, a native. There were 
some singular nimours abrojid regarding this latter lady's history : 
it was rejwrted that she was the daughter of a native Rajah, and 
had been carried off by a poor English sukiltorn in Lord dive's 
time. The young man was killetl very e»)on after, and left his 
child with its mother. The black Prince forgiivo his daughter and 
bequeatheil to her a handsome sum of money. I supjxxse that it 
was on this account that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who 

* So admirable are tho porformances of these watclies, which will stand in 
any climate, that I repeatedly heard jKwr Macj^iliicuddy relate the following 
fact. Tho hours, as it is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four : the 
day Mac landed at Naples his rtpeaUr ruiv^ the Italian kourSf from one fo 
twenty-four; as soon as he cro^Eed the AI|^)s it only sounded aa QsaaL— 
G. O'G. G. 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 125 

had not, I do believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality : 
she was a hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black 
t^eth, and rod eyes: she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy — she 
hated and was hated by all the world, and by her jolly husband 
as devoutly as by any other. She did not pass a month in the 
year with him, but spent most of her time with her native friends. 
I wonder how she could have given birth to so lovely a creature 
as her daughter. This woman was of course with the Colonel 
when Julia arrived, and the spice of the devil in her daughter's 
composition was most carefully nourishe<l and fed by her. If Julia 
had been a flirt before, she was a downright jilt now ; she set the 
whole cantonment by the ears ; she made wives jealous and husbands 
miserable ; she caused all those duels of which I have discoursed 
already, and yet such was the fascination of the witch that I still 
thought her an angel. I made coiut to the nasty mother in order 
to be near the daughter; and I listened untiringly to Jowler's 
interminable dull stories, because I was occupied all the time in 
watching the graceful movements of Miss Julia. 

But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears ; and on 
the battle-field Gahagan is a man ! The Bundelcund Invincibles 
received onlers to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet 
and prepare<l to part from his Andromache. And now arose his 
perplexity : what must be done with hiA daughter, his Julia 1 He 
knew his wife's peculiarities of Hving, and did not much rare to 
trust his daughter to her keeping ; but in vain he tried to find her 
an asylum among the respectable ladies of his regiment. Laily 
Gutch offered to receive her, but wouUl have nothing to <lo ^ith 
Mre. Jowler ; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have neither 
mother nor daughter: there was no help for it, Julia and her 
mother must have a house toi^ther, and Jowler knew that his wife 
would fill it with her odious blackamtxir friends. 

I could not, however, go forth satisfietl to the campaign until 
I leametl from Julia my fate. I wat4'he<l twenty opfMirtunities to 
flee her alone, and wandered about the Colonel's bimg:ilow as an 
informer does about a public-house, marking the incomings and the 
outgoings of the family, and longing to seize the moment when Miss 
Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or her paiNi, miglit litsten. ])erhape, 
to my eloquence, and melt at the tale of my love. 

But it would not do — old Jowler 8eeme<l to have taken all of 
a sudden to such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him 
out of doors, and his rhubarb-coloured wife (I believe tliat her skin 
give the first idea of otir regimental breeches), who before hatl been 
gliding ceaoclessly abroarl, and poking her broad nose into every 
fmimaff€ in the cantonment, stopped fiuthfully at home with her 



126 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

spouse. My only chance was to beard the old couple in their dm^ 
and ask them at once for their cub. 

So I called one day at tiffin :— old Jowler was always hMiippf 
to have my company at this meal ; it amused him, he said, to aee 
me drink Hodgson's pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirtj-fioar 
dozen the first year I was in Bengal) — and it was no small piece ol 
fun, certainly, to see old Mrs. Jowler attack the currie-bhaut ; — she 
was exactly the colour of it, as I have had already the hanoor to 
remark, and she swallowed the mixture ^nth a gusto which wtm 
never equalled, except by my poor friend Dando a propoB cThuUret* 
She consumed the first three platefuls with a fork and spoon, like 
a Christian ; but as she warmed to her work, the old hag would 
throw away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes towards 
her, go to work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with 
her fingers, and stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a 
sepoy company. But why do I diverge from the main point of 
my story ? 

Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J., were at luncheon; the deer 
girl was in the act to sabler a glass of Hoilgson as I entered. " How 
do you do, Mr. Gagin ] " said the old hag leeringly. '* Eat a bit 
o' currie-bhaut," — and she thrust the dish towards me, securing a 
heap as it passed. " What ! Gagy my boy, how do, how do 1 ** 
said the fet Colonel. " What ! run through the body ? — got well 
again — have some Hodgson — run tlirough your body too ! " — and at 
this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact that in these hot 
climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of the skin) 
old Jowler laugheil : a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices, 
consomahs, and bobbycliies laughed too, as they provided me, un- 
asked, with the gratefid fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I 
paused nervously for a moment, and then said — 

" Bobbachy, consomah, bally baloo hoga." 

The black rulfians took the hint, and retired. 

"Colonel and ^Irs. Jowler," said I solemnly, "we are alone; 
and you. Miss Jowler, you are alone too ; that is — I mean — I take 
this opportimity to — (another glass of ale, if you please) — to ex- 
press, once for all, before departing on a dangerous campaign" — 
(Julia turned pale) — " before entering, I say, upon a war which may 
stretch in the dust my high-raised hopes and nic, to express my 
hopes while life still remains to me, and to declare in the face of 
heaven, earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love you, Julia ! " The 
Colonel, astoni8he<l, let fall a steel fork, which stuck quivering for 
some minutes in the calf of my leg ; but I heeded not the paltiy 
interruption. " Yet*, by yon bright heaven," continued I, " I love 
you, Julia ! I respect my commander, I esteem your excellent and 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 127 

beauteous mother : tell me, before I leave you, if I may hope for a 
return of ray affection. Say that you love me, and I will do such 
deeds in this coming war, as shall make you proud of the name of 
your Gahagan.'' 

The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, 
snapped, and ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was 
now red, now white ; the Colonel stretched fom'ard, took the fork 
out of the calf of my leg, wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters 
which I had remarked by his side. 

" A comet ! " said he, in a voice choking with emotion ; "a 
pitiful l)eggarly Irish comet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler ! 
Crag — Gahagan, are you mad, or laughing at us? Look at these 
letters, young man — at these letters, I say — one humlred and 
twenty-four epistles from every port of India (not including one from 
the Govemor-General, and six from his brother. Colonel Wcllesley) 
— one hundred and twenty-four proposals for the hand of Miss 
Jowler I Comet Gahagan," he continued, " I wish to think well of 
you : you are the bravest, the most moilest, and, perhaps, the 
han<isomest man in our corps ; but you have not got a single mpee. 
You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even an anna ! " — 
(Here the old rogue grinned, as if he liad made a capital pun.) — 
**No, no," said he, waxing good-natured; "Gragy my boy, it is 
nonsense ! Julia love, retire with your mamma ; this silly young 
gentleman will remain and smoke a pipe with me." 

I took one : it was the bitterest ch ilium I ever smoked in my 
life. 

I am not going to give here an account of my military services ; 
they will appear in my great national autobiography, in forty 
volumes, which I am now preparing for the press. I was with my 
regiment in all Wellesley's brilliant cam]migns ; then taking dawk, 
I travelled across the countrj' north-eastwanl, and had the honour 
of lighting by the side of Lonl Lake at Laswaree, Degg, Furmcka- 
bad, Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore : but I will not boast of my actions 
— the military man knows them, my sovereign appreciates them. 
If asked who was the bravest man of the Indian amiy, there is not 
an officer belonging to it who would not cry at once, Gaiiac;an. 
Tlie &ct is, I was desperate : I care<l not for life, deprived of Julia 
Jowler. 

With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stem 
refusal in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the camjiaign, 
again to seek her company or to press my suit We were eighteen 
months on service, marching and counter-marching, and fighting 
almost every other day : to the world I did not seem altered ; but 



128 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

the world only saw the &C6, and not the seared and bli^ted bent 
within me. My valour, always desperate, now reached to a pitch 
of cruelty ; I tortured my grooms and gra88-<nitter8 for the mosl 
trifling offence or error, — I never in action spared a man, — ^I 
sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course of that 
single campaign. 

Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fidlen upon 
poor old Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, 
he received a parcel of letters from Benares (whither his wife bad 
retired with her daughter), and so deeply did they seem to wejgh 
upon his spirits, that he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be 
flogged within two days; but it was against the blacks that he 
chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows, in the heat and hurry of 
the campaign, were in the habit of dealing rather roughly with their 
prisoners, to extract treasure from them : they used to poll their 
nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots, to flog them 
and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on. Jowler, 
when he heanl of these proceedings, which before had always justly 
exasperateil him (he was a humane and kind little man), used now 

to smile ficR'cly and say, " D the black scoundrels ! Serve 

them right, serve them right I " 

One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had 
been on a foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning 
peaceably to camp, when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on 
us from a neighbouring mango-tope, in which they had been hidden : 
in an instant three of my men's saddles were empty, and I was left 
with but seven more to make head against at least thirty of these 
vagabond black horsemen. I never saw in my life a nobler figure 
than the leader of the troop — mounted on a splendid black Arab; 
he was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he wore a steel cap and a 
shirt of mail, and carrie<l a Ix^autiful Frencli carbine, which had 
already done execution upon two of my men. I saw that our only 
chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man. I shouted to 
Jiim in a voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of course), 
" Stop, dog, if you dare, and encounter a man ! " 

In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and 
mortally transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. 
Grinding my teeth and swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which 
never yet failed its blow,* and nishcil at tlie Indian. He came 
down at full gallop, his own sword making ten thousand gleaming 
circles in the air, shrieking his crj' of battle. 

The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut 

* In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go out with small 
swords : — miserable woapont^, only fit for tailors. — G. O'G. G. 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 129 

off his sword-arm at the wrist ; my second I levelled at his head. I 
said that he wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and 
a hood of chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and delivered '* St, 
George ; " my sword caught the spike exactly on the point, split it 
sheer in two, cut crashing through the steel cap and hood, and was 
only stopped by a ruby which he wore in his back-plate. His head, 
cut clean in two between the eyebrows and nostrils, even between 
the two front teeth, fell one side on each shoulder, and he galloped on 
till his horse was stopped by my men, who were not a little amused 
at the feat. 

As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their 
leader's fiite. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we 
made a single prisoner, who was instantly carried before old Jowler. 

We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop : he 
said it was Chowder Loll. 

" Chowder Loll ! " shriekeil Colonel Jowler. " Fate ! thy hand 
is here ! " He rushed wildly into his tent — the next day applied 
for leave of absence. Gutch took the conmiand of the regiment, and 
I saw him no more for some time. 



As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war. General 
Lake sent me up with dcsiiatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley 
received me with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on 
going to a ball at Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler ; 
iny trembling, blusliing, thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side ! 

Jowler seemed to blush too when he behehl me. I thought of 
my former passages with his daughter. " Gagy, my boy," says he, 
sliaking liands, **glad to see yoiu Old friend, Julia — come to tiffin 
— Hodgson's pale — brave fellow, Gagy." Julia did not s|icak, but 
she turned ashy pale, and fixed ui>on me her awful eyes ! I fainted 
almost, and uttere<l some incoherent wonls. Julia took my hand, 
gaxed at me still, and said, '* Come ! " Nce<l I say I went 7 

I will not go over the pale ale and ciurie-bhaut again ! but this 
I know, that in half-an-hour I was as much in love as I ever liad 
been : and that in three weeks I— yes, I — was the accepted lover of 
Julia ! I did not pause to ask where were the one hundred and 
twenty-four offers 1 why I, refused before, should be accepted now f 
I only ftlt that I loved her, and was happy ! 

One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a 

lover's pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the City of 

Palaces until I came to the house which contained my Julia. I 

peeped into the compound — all was still ; I looked into the verandah 

3 I 



ijo THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

— all was dark, except a light — yes, one lij^t — and it ma in Ja&A 
chamber I ilj heart throbbed almost to etifling. I wnold — I woidtf 
advanoe, if but to gaxe upon her for a moment, and to bkM her aa 
she slept I did look, I did advance ; and, O Hearen I I mw a 
lamp burning, Uni. Jow. in a nij^tdress, with a rery daric habj m 
her aims, and Julia looldng tenderlir at an ayah, who ■waa mamg 
another. 

" Oh, mamma," eaiA Julia, "what would that fool Oahagan my 
if he knew all 1 " 

" He doei know alt ! " shouted I, springing forward, and *— ""g 
down tiie tatUes from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shriekuig out 
of the room, Julia fainted, the cuned black children aqnaHed, and 
thw d — d nuiae fell on her kneea, gabbUng some infernal jugm 
ot Hindustaoeck Old Jowler at this juncture entered with a earndk 
and a drawn sword. 

" Liar I scoundrel ! deceiver ! " shouted I. " Tnm, mffiaa, and 
defend yourself ! " But <M Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, 
looked at hia lifoleaa daughter, and slowly left ^le room. 

Why continue the tale ) I need not now account for Jowler^ 
gloom on receiving hia lett«ra trom Bcnarc« — for hia exclamatjoit 
upon the death of the Indian chief — for his desire to marry his 
daughter: the woman I was wooing waa no longer Hiss Jnlia 
Jowler : she was Mrs. Chowder Loll ! 



CHAPTER II 

ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE 

I SAT down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance 
of some of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled 
men have endeavoured to rob me of the only good I possess, to 
question the statements that I make, and, themselves without a 
spark of honour or good feeling, to steal from me that which is my 
sole wealth — my character as a teller of the truth. 

The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures 
of a profligate press I now allude ; among the London journalists, 
none (luckily for themselves) have dared to question the veracity of 
my statements : they know me, and they know tliat I am in London. 
If I can use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible 
weapon, and would answer their contradictions with my swonl ! 
No gold or gems adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar; but 
there is blood upon the blade — the blood of the enemies of my 
countr>', and the maligners of my honest fame. There are others, 
however — the disgrace of a disgraceful tra<le — who, Iwrroiiing from 
distance a despicable courage, have venttu*ed to assail me. The 
infamous editors of the Kelso Chamjnon, the Bungay Beacon^ the 
Tipperary Artjus, and the Stoke Po^is Smiiinely and other dastardly 
organs of tlie provincial press, have, although differing in politics, 
agreed upon this one point, and, ^ith a scoundrelly unanimity, 
rented a flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me. 

They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully 
perverte<l history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, 
\\'as any one of these men in Bengal in the year 18031 Was any 
nns^e conductor of any one of these paltry prints ever in Bundelnmd 
or the Rohilla country ? Dt^es this ext/uinte Tipperary scrilw know 
the difference between Hurrygurrybong and Bumimtollah ? Not 
he ! and because, forsooth, in those strange and distant lands strange 
circumstances have taken place, it is insinuate<l tliat the relater is a 
bar : nay, tliat the very places themselves have no existence but in 
my imagination. Fools ! — but I will not waste my anger upon 
them, and proceed to recount some other portions of my personal 
hifftory. 



132 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

It is, I presume, a &ct which even these scribbling asBaaniiB 
will not yenture to deny, that before the commencement of the 
campaign against Scindiah, the English General formed a camp aft 
Kanonge on the Jumna, where he exercised that brilliant little anny 
which W£U3 speedily to perform such wonders in the Dooab. It will 
be as well to give a slight account of the causes of a war which was 
speedily to rage through some of the Purest portions of the Indian 
continent. 

Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by tlie 
female line of Nadir Sliah (tliat celebrated Toorkomaun adventmer, 
who had well-nigh hurled Bigazet and Selim the Second from the 
throne of Bagdad) — Shah Allum, I say, although nominally the 
Emperor of Delhi, was in reality the slave of the various warlike 
chieftains who lorded it by turns over the country and the sovereign, 
until conquered and slain by some more successful rebel Chowder 
LoU Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scindiah, and the 
celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a time complete 
mastery in Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan soldier, 
had abniptly entered the capital ; nor was he ejected from it until 
he had seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the 
eyes of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasi^b. Scindiah 
came to the rescue of the sightless Shah AUum, and though he 
destroyed his oppressor, only increased his slavery; holding him 
in as painful a bondage as he had suffered under the tyrannous 
Afghan. 

As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as 
long rather as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a 
battle, the British Grovemment, ever anxious to see its enemies by 
the ears, by no means interfered in the contest. But the French 
Revolution broke out, and a host of starving sans-culottes appeared 
among the various Indian States, seeking for military service, and 
inflaming the minds of the various native princes against the British 
East India Company. A number of these entered into Scindiah's 
ranks : one of them. Perron, was commander of his army ; and 
though that chief was as yet quite engagetl in his hereditary quarrel 
with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of an invasion of the 
British territory, the Company all of a sudden discovered that Shah 
Allum, his sovereign, was shamefidly ill-usc<l, and determined to 
re-establish the ancient splendour of his throne. 

Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shall Allum that 
prompted our governors to take these kindly measures in his favour. 
I don't know how it happened that, at the end of the war, the poor 
Shah was not a whit better off than at the beginning ; and that 
though Holkar was beaten, and Scindiah annihilated. Shah Allum 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 133 

was much such a puppet as before. Somehow, in the hurry and 
confusion of this strugs^ey the oyster remained with the British 
GoTemment, who had so kindly offered to dress it for the Emperor, 
while his M^esty was obliged to be contented with the shell. 

The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand 
Army of the Ganges and the Jumna ; it consisted of eleven regi- 
ments of cavalry and twelve battalions of infantry, and was com- 
manded by General Lake in person. 

Well, on the Ist of September we storme<l Perron's camp at 
Allyghur ; on the 4th we took that fortress by assault ; and as my 
name was mentioned in general orders, I may as well quote the 
Commander-in-Chiers words reganling me — they will spare me the 
trouble of composing my own eulogium : — 

*'The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare 

his high sense of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the 

Cavalry. In the storming of the fortress, although unprovided 
with a single ladder, and accompanied but by a few brave men, 
Lieutenant Grahagan succeeded in escalading the inner and fourteenth 
wall of the place. Fourteen ditches line<l with sword-blades and 
poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls bristling with inniunerablo 
artillery and as smooth as looking-glasses, were in turn triumphantly 
passed by that enterprising officer. His course was to be traced 
by the heai)s of slaughtered enemies lying thick upon the platforms ; 
and alas ! by the corpses of most of the gallant men who followed 
him ! When at length he effected his lodgment, and the dastardly 
enemy, who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose upon 
him the tigers and lions of Scindioh's menagerie, this meritorious 
officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and most 
ferocious animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable m^esty of 
Britibh valour, shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a 
private, and Runty C^oss, havildor, were the only two who remained 
out of the nine hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honour 
to them ! Honour and tears for the brave men who perished on 
that awful day ! '' 

I have copied this, wonl for word, from the Ber^gal Hurkaru 
of September 24, 1803 : and anybody who has the slightest doubt 
as to the statement, may refer to the paper itself. 

And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so 
marvellously preserved me, Scrgeant-Major Higgory, and Runty 
G088. Were I to say that any valour of ours had carried us unhurt 
through this tremendous combat, the reader would laugh me to 
•com. No : though my narrative is extraordinary, it is nevertheless 



134 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

authentic: and never never would I sacrifice truth lor the men 
sake of efiect. The fact is this : — the citadel of Allygbur is situated 
upon a rock, about a thousand feet above the level of the sea, and is 
surrounded by fourteen waUs, as his Excellency was good enoogfa to 
remark in his despatch. A man who would mount these without 
scaling-ladders is an ass ; he who would 9ay he mounted them 
without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We had scafiog- 
ladders at the commencement of the assault, althou^ it was quite 
impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries. Moimted 
on them, however, as our troops were falling thick about me, I saw 
that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could be 
found for our brave fellows to escalade the next walL It was about 
seventy feet high. I instantly turned the guns of wall A on wall B^ 
and peppered the latter so as to make, not a breach, but a scaling 
place ; the men mounting in the holes made by the shot. By this 
simple stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier — foir to 
ascend a wall which the General was pleased to call " as smooth as 
gjass " is an absurd impossibility : I seek to achieve none such : — 

" I dare do nil that may become a man ; 
Who dares do more, is neither more nor less." 

Of course, hod the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not 
one of us would ever have been alive out of the three ; but whether 
it was owing to fright, or to the excessive smoke causeil by so many 
pieces of artillery, arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our work 
was not quite so difficult as might be imagined — killing these fellows 
was sheer butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all turned and 
fled helter-skelter, and the rea<ler may judge of their courage by the 
fact that out of about seven hundred men killed by us, only forty 
had wounds in front, the rest being bayoneted as they ran. 

And beyond all other pieces of gooil fortune was tlie very letting 
out of these tigers ; which was the dernier ressort of Boumonville, 
the second commandant of the fort. I had observed this man (con- 
spicuous for a tricoloured scarf which he wore) upon every one of 
the walls as we stormeil them, and running away the very first 
among the fugitives. He liad all the keys of the giitos ; and in 
his tremor, as he opened the menagerie portal, left the whole bunch 
in the door, which I seized when the animals were overcome. Runty 
Gross then opened them one by one, our troops entereil, and the 
victorious standard of my country floated on the walls of Allyghur ! 

When the General, accompanie<l by his staff", entered the last 
line of fortifications, the brave old man raise^l me from the dead 
rhinoceros on which I was seate<l, and pressed me to his breast. 
But the excitement which had borne me through the fatigues and 



JfAJOR GAHAGAN 135 

perils of that fearful day fiuled all of a sudden, and I wept like a 
child upon his shoulder. 

Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority ; nor is it 
in the power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Csesar, if he finds 
him in the capacity of a subaltern : my reward for the above exploit 
was, therefore, not very rich. His Excellency had a fevourite horn 
snuff-box (for, though exalted in station, he was in his habits most 
simple) : of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-dried 
Welsh, which he always took, he made me a present, saying, in 
front of the line, ** Accept this, Mr. Grahagan, as a token of respect 
from the first to the bravest ofiRcer in the army." 

Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that 
fourpence was about* the value of this gift : but it has at least this 
good effect — it serves to convince any person who doubts my story, 
that the facts of it are really true. I have left it at the office of 
my publisher, along with the extiuct from the Bengal Httrkaru, 
and anybody may examine both by applying in the counting-house 
of Mr. Cunningham.* That once popular expression, or proverb, 
*' Are you up to snuff? " arose out of the above circumstance ; for 
the officers of my corps, none of whom, except myself, had ventured 
on the storming party, used to twit me about this modest reward 
for my labours. Never mind ! when they want me to storm a fort 
cufain, I shall know better. 

Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress. 
Perron, who had been the life anil soiU of Scindiali's army, came 
in to us, with his family and treasure, and was iMissed over to the 
French settlehients at Chandemagur. Boiunquien took his com- 
mand, and against him we now moved. The morning of the 11th 
of September found us upon the plains of Delhi. 

It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves 
after the morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced picket 
along with 0*Gawler, of the King's Dragixjns, was made aware 
of the enemy's neighbourhood in a very singular manner. O'Gawler 
and I were seated under a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we 
liad formed to shelter us from the intolerable heat of the sun, 
ami were discussing with great delight a few Manilla cheroots, 
and a stone jar of the most exquisite, cool, weak, refreshing sangaree. 
We hail been playing canls the night before, and O'Gawler had 
lost to me seven hundred nipees. I emptie<l the last of the 
aangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking, 

* The Major oertaioly offered to loare an old itnuff>l)ox at Mr. Cunningham's 
oiBoe ; bat it contained no extract from a newspaper, and does not <iuiU proT« 
that be killed a rbinooeros and etormed fourteen entrenchmenta at the vioge 
af All jgbnr. 



136 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

and holding mine up, said, " Here's better luck to you mat tune^ 
O'Gawler ! " 

As I spoke the words — ^whish ! — a cannon-ball cut the tumbler 
clean out of my hand, and plumped into poor CGkiwler^s stomadL 
It settled him completely, and of course I never got my Beren 
hundred rupees. Such are the uncertainties of war ! 

To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements — to mount my 
Arab charger — to drink off what O'Gkiwler liad left of the sangaree 
— and to gallop to the General, was the work of a moment I 
found him as comfortably at tiffin as if he were at his own kouae 
in London. 

*' Ckneral," said I, as soon as I got into his pa^jamahs (or tent), 
" you must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy." 

** The enemy — psha ! Mr. (}aliagan, the enemy is on the other 
side of the river." 

"I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy^s guna will 
hardly carry five miles, and that Comet O'Gawler was this moment 
shot dead at my side with a cannon-ball." 

*' Ha ! is it so 7 " said his Excellency, rising, and laying down 
the drumstick of a grilled chicken. "Greutlemen, remember that 
the eyes of Eiux>pe are upon us, anij follow me I " 

Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat ; 
each British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming tnSl^. 
We mounted our horses, and galloped 8\iiftly after the bravo old 
Greneral ; I not the last in the train, upon my famous black chaiger. 

It wa8 perfectly true, the enemy were po8te<l in force within 
three miles of oiu* camp, and fit)m a hillock in the advance to which 
we gallo|)ed, we were enabled with our telescoj)e8 to see the whole 
of his imposing line. Nothing can better describe it than this : — 




— A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty 
pieces of artillery which defendeil his line. He was, moreover, 
entrenched ; and a wide morass in his front gave liim an additional 
security. 

His Excellency for a moment surv-eyed tlie line, and then said 
turning round to one of his aides-de-camp, " Order up Major-General 
Tinkler and the cavalr>'." 

" IlerCf does your Excellency mean ] " said the aide-de-camp, 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 137 

surpriBed, for the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balU 
were flying about as thick as peas. 

** Here, iir I " said the old Ckneral, stamping with his foot in 
a passion, and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped 
away. In five minutes we heard the trumpets in our camp, and 
in twenty more the greater part of the cavaky had joined us. 

Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in 
the air, their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden 
sunlight. " And now we are here," said Major-Greneral Sir Theo- 
philus Tinkler, " what next ? " " Oh, d it," said the Commander- 
in-Chief, " charge, chaige — nothing like charging — galloping — guns 
— rascally black scoundrels — charge, charge ! " And then turning 
round to me (perhaps he was glad to change the conversation), 
he said, ** Lieutenant Gahagan, you will stay with me." 

And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the 
battle teas ffained by me. I do not mean to insult the reader by 
pretending that any personal exertions of mine turned the day, — 
that I killed, for instance, a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a 
battery of guns, — such absurd tales would disgrace both the hearer 
and the teller. I, as is well known, never say a single word which 
cannot be proved, and Imte more than all other vices the absiuti sin 
of egotism : I simply mean that my advice to the General, at a 
quarter-past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day, won this great 
triumph for the British army. 

Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though 
somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. Grcneral 
Lake, for the victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. 
Laswaree ! and who, forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree ? 
I can lay my liand upon my heart and say that / was. If any 
proof is wanting of the &ct, let me give it at once, and from the 
highest military testimony in the world — I mean that of the 
Emperor Napoleon. 

In the mouth of March 1817, I was passenger on iKxinl the 
Prince Regent^ Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on 
its passage from Calcutta to England. In com]iany with the other 
officers on boanl the ship, I paiil my res|)ects to the illustrious exile 
of Longwood, who received us in his ganlcn, where he was walking 
about, in a nankeen dress and a large broail-brimmed straw liat^ 
with General Montholon, Count Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, 
then a little boy ; who I dare say does not recollect me, but who 
nevertheless playe<l with my swonl-knot and the tassels of my 
Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with his Imperial 
liigesty. 

Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way I) by 



138 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

General Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronoimee^ 
mode a bow to the owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At 
last Montholon came to mine. The Emperor looked me at onoe 
in the face, took his hands out of his {Kxrkets, put them bdund 
his back, and coming up to me smiling, pronounced the fidlowing 
words: — 

" Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur ? " 

I blushed, and, taking off my hat with a bow, said, '^Siie, 
c'est moi." 

'* Parbleu ! je le savais bien,'' said the Emperor, holding oat his 
snuff-box. " En usez-vous. Major V* I took a large pinch (which, 
with the honour of speaking to so great a man, brought the tears 
into my eyes), and he continued as nearly as possible in the fbUow- 
ing words : — 

"Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your 
third brother, the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Grahagan, was 
in my Irish Brigatle." 

Gaho/gan. " Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your 
Majesty's service stood under the green flag in tlic breach of Buigos, 
and beat Wellington back. It was the only time, as your M^je8ty 
knows, that Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war." 

XapoUon {looking as if he would sat/, " D your candour^ 

Major Gahagan "). " Well, well ; it was so. Your brother was a 
Count, and died a Grcneral in my seniee." 

Gahagan, " He was found l>ing upon the bodies of nine-and- 
twenty Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the 
Gahagan mark." 

Xapoleon (to Montholon). "C'est vrai, Montholon: je vous 
donnc ma jvirole d'honneur la plus sacr^, que c'est vraL lis ne 
sont pas iFautres, ces terribles Gu'gans. You must know that 
Monsieur gained the battle of Delhi as certainly as I did that of 
Austerlitz. In this way : — Ce b^itre de Lor Lake, after calling 
up his cavalry, and placing them in front of Holkar's batteries, qui 
balayaient la plaine, was for charging the enemy's batteries with his 
horse, who would have been ^cras^, mitraill^s, foudroy^s to a man 
but for the cunnuig of ce grand rogue que vous voyez." 

Montholon, " Coquin de Major, va I " 

Najwleon. " Montholon ! tiiis-toi. When Lonl Lake, with 
his great bull-heade<l English obstinacy, saw the fdcheuse ]K)8ition 
into which he had brought his troops, ho was for ilying on the spot, 
and would infalhbly have done so — and the loss of his army would 
have l^een the ruin of the East India Company — and the ruin of 
the English East India Company would have established my Empire 
(bah ! it was a republic then !) in the East — but that the man 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 139 

before iis, Lieutenant Croliah Chihagan, was riding at the side of 
(General Lake." 

Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury), " Gredin ! 
cent mille tonnerres de Dieu ! " 

Napoleon (benignantly). "CaJme-toi, mon fidMe ami What 
will you? It was fate. Crahagan, at the critical period of the 
battle, or rather slaughter (for the English had not slain a man 
of the enemy), advised a retreat." 

Montholon, " Le l^he ! Un Fran9ais meurt, mais il ne recule 
jamais." 

Napoleon. ^^Stupide! Don't you see why the retreat waa 
ordered? — don't you know that it was a feint on the part of 
Gahagan to draw Holkar from his impregnable entrenchments? 
Don't you know that the ignorant Indian fell into the snare, and 
issuing from behind the cover of Ids guns, came down with his 
cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dragoons ? Then 
it was that the Englishmen turned upon him; the hardy children 
of the North swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to 
their gims, which were useless, entered Holkar's entrenchments 
along with his troops, sabred the artillerymen at their pieces, and 
won the battle of Delhi ! " 

As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye 
flashed fire, his deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out 
the enemy from beneath the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his 
regiments to the charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram. 
I have had many a proud moment in my life, but never such a 
proud one as this ; and I would readily pardon the word " coward," 
as applied to me by Montholon, in consideration of the testimony 
which his master bore in my favour. 

"Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, "why liad I 
not such a man as you in my service ? I would have made you a 
Prince and a Marshal ! " and here he fell into a reverie, of which 
I knew and respected the purport. He was thinking, doubtless, 
that I might have retrieved his fortunes ; and indeed I have very 
little doubt that I might. 

Very soon after coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, 
Napoleon's valet-de-chambrc, and after partaking of that beverage, 
and talking upon the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, 
lea>ing me deeply impressed by the condescension he had shown in 
this remarkable interview. 



CHAPTER III 

A PEEP INTO SPAIN—ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES 
OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS 

HSADQUARTKBS, MoRELLA : September 15, 1838. 

I HAVE been here for some months, along with my young friend 
Cabrera ; and in the hurry and bustle of war — daily on guaid 
and in the batteries for sixteen hoiurs out of the twenty-fooTy 
with fourteen severe wounds and seven musket-bails in my body — 
it may be imagined that I have had little time to think about the 
publication of my memoirs. Inter arma silent leges — in the midst 
of fighting be hanged to writing ! as the poet says ; and I never 
would have bothered myself with a pen, had not common gratitude 
incited me to throw off a few pages. 

Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering 
this place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone 
O'Connor Emmett Fitzgerald Sheeny by name, a law student, and 
a member of Gray's Inn, and what he called Bai/ Ah of Trinity 
College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with the Queen's people, not 
in a military capacity, but as representative of an English journal ; 
to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, he was in the habit of 
transmitting accounts of the movements of the belligerents, and his 
own opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving, for the discharge 
of his duty, a couple of guineas a week from the proprietors of the 
journal in question, he was enabled, as I need scarcely say, to make 
such a sliow in Oraa's camp as only a Christino general officer, or at 
the very least a colonel of a regiment, can afford to keep up. 

In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I 
was of course among the foremost in the mvUcy and found myself, 
after a good deal of slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable 
as useless to describe here), in the court of a small iun or podesta, 
which had been made the headquarters of several Queeiiite officers 
during the siege. The pesatero or landlonl of the inn had been 
despatched by my brave chapel-churies, with his fine family of 
children — the officers quartered in the podesta had of cotu-se bolted : 
but one man remained, and my fellows were on the point of cutting 
him into ten thousand pieces with their borachios, when I arrived 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 141 

in the room time enongh to prevent the catastrophe. Seeing before 
me an individual in the costume of a civilian — a white hat, a light- 
blue satin cravat, embroidered with butterflies and other quadrupeds, 
a green coat and brass buttons, and a pair of blue plaid trousers, I 
recognised at once a countryman, and interposed to save his life. 

In an agonised brogue the unhappy young man was saying all 
that he could to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention 
of slaughtering him ; but it is very little likely that his protesta- 
tions would have had any efiect upon them, had not I appeared in 
the room, and shouted to the ruffians to hold their hand. 

Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honour to hold 
that rank in the service of His Catholic M^esty), and moreover 
one six feet four in height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla 
(a sword so called, because it is five feet long) which is so well 
known among the Spanish armies — seeing, I say, this figure, the 
fellows retired, exclaiming, "Adios, corpo di bacco nosotros," and 
so on, clearly proving (by their words) that they would, if they 
dared, have immolated the victim whom I had thus rescued from 
their fvay, " Villains ! " shouted I, hearing them grumble, " away ! 
quit the apartment ! " Each man, sulkily sheathing his sombrero, 
obeyed, and quitted the camarilla. 

It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to 
which I have briefly adverted ; and, informing me at the same 
time that he liad a family in England who would feel obliged to 
me for his release, and that his most intimate friend the English 
Ambassador would move heaven and earth to revenge his fall, he 
directed my attention to a portmanteau possably well filled, which 
he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my troops. I said, though 
with much regret, that I must subject his person to a search ; and 
hence arose the circumstance which has called for what I fear you 
will consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon Mr. 
Sheeny's person three sovereigns in English money (which I have to 
this day), and singularly enough a copy of the Xcw Monthly 
J/of/aitW, containing a portion of my adventures. It was a toss-up 
whether I should let the iKX)r young man be shot or no, but this 
little circumstance saved his life. The gratified vanity of author- 
ship induced me to accept his portmanteau and valuables, and to 
allow the poor wretch to go free. I put the magazine in my coat- 
pocket, and left him and the podesta. 

Tlie men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it waa 
full time for me to follow ; for I found our sallying party, after com- 
mitting dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat upon 
the fort, hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I am 
pretty well known and respected by the men of both parties in 



142 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OP 

Spain (indeed I served for some months on the Queen's side belbte 
I came over to Don Carlos) ; and, as it is my maxim never to give 
Quarter, I never expect to receive it when taken myselil On issuiiig 
from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau and my sword in my 
hand, I was a little disgusted and annoye<l to see our own men in a 
pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about fiMir 
hundred yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort ; while on 
my left hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite 
lancers were clattering along the road. 

I had got into the very mid<lle of the road before I made this 
discovery, so that tlie fellows had a full sight of me, and whizs! 
came a bullet by my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinaoo. 
I looked round — there were seventy of the accursed tnalvadas at the 
least, and within, as I said, a hundred yards. Were I to say that 
I stopped to fight seventy men, you would write me down a fociL or 
a liar : no, sir, I did not fight, I ran away. 

I am six feet four — my figure is as well known in the Spanish 
army as that of the Count de Lucliana, or my fierce little Mend 
Cabrera himself. '* GAHAGiiN ! " shouted out half-a-dozen scoundrelly 
voices, and fifty more shots came rattling after me. I was running 
— running as the brave stag Ixifore the hounds — running as I have 
done a great number of times before in my life, when there was no 
help for it but a race. 

After I had nm about five liimdred yards, I saw that I had 
gained nearly three upon our column in front, and that likewise the 
Christino horsemen were left behind some hundred yards more; 
with the exception of three, who were fearfully near me. The first 
was an officer without a lance ; he had fireil both his pistols at me, 
and was twenty yanls in advance of his comnwles; there was a 
similar distance between the two lancers who rode l>ehind liim. I 
determined tlien to wait for No. 1, and as he came up delivered cut 
3 at his horse's near leg — off it flew, and down, as I expected, went 
horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my swonl through my 
prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was ui)ou me. If I could but get 
that fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe ; and I executed at once 
the plan which I hoj>ed wi\s to effect my rescue. 

I had, as I said, left the potlesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, 
•and, unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained — some 
shirts, a bottle of whisky, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c., — 
I had carried it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled 
to sacrifice it nialgre moL As the lancer came up I dropped my 
sword from my right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, 
with aim so tnie, that he fell back on his saddle like a sack, and 
thus when the horse galloped up to me, I had no difficulty in dis- 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 143 

mounting the rider: the whisky-bottle struck him over his right 
eye, and ho was completely stunned. To dash him from the saddle 
and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment ; indeed, the 
two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the time which 
it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the 
rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's horse, 
I had committed a very absurd oversight — I was scampering away 
tcithout my stcord! What was I to do] — to scamper on, to be 
sure, and tnist to the legs of my horse for safety ! 

The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could 
hear his horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey- 
fashion in my saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my 
hand, but all in vain. Closer — closer — the point of his lance was 
within two feet of my back. Ah ! all ! he delivered the point, and 
fancy my agony when I felt it enter — through exactly fifty-nine 
pages of the Ifew Monthly Mugcizine, Ha<i it not been for that 
magazine, I should have been impaled without a shadow of a doubt 
Was I wrong in feeling gratitude \ Had I not cause to continue my 
contributions to that periodical ? 

When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying 
party, I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous 
result of the lancer's tluiist (as he delivered his lance, I must tell 
you tliat a ball came whizz over my head from our fellows, and 
enteriiig at his nose, put a stop to his lancing for the future). I 
hastenol to Cabrera's quarter, and related to him some of my 
adventures during the day. 

" But, General," said he, *' you are standing. I beg you chiudete 
ruicio (take a chair)." 

I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was 
some foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my 
sitting at ease. I <lrew out the magazine which I ha<l seized, and 
there, to my wonder, discovered the Christina lance twisted up like 
a fish-hook or a pastoral crook. 

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag). 
Valiiepefias madrilefios," growle<l out Tristany. 
By my cachuca di caballero (u|K)n my honour as a gentleman),'' 
shrieked out Roi d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, *' I will send it 
to the Bishop of Leon for a crozier." 

" Gahagan has consecrated it," gi;:glc«l out Ramon Cabrera ; and 
80 they went on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But 
when they heard that the means of my salvation from the lance of 
the scoundrelly Christino ha<l been the magazine containing my own 
history, their laugh was changed into wonder. I read them (speak- 
ing Spanish more fluently than English) every word of my story. 






144 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

" But how is this ? " said Cabrera. " You surely have other ad- 
ventures to relate ? " 

'' Excellent sir/' said I, " I have ; " and tliat very erening; as 
we sat over our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my murratiTe 
in nearly the following wonls : — 

*' I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which 
ended, as everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British 
arms. But who gained the battle ? Lord Lake is called Visooiiiit 
Lake of Delhi and Laswaree, while Mojor Crdia — nonsense, never 
nund hiniy never mind the charge he executed when, sabre in hand, 
he leaped the six-foot wall in the mouth of the roaring cannon, over 
tlie heads of the gleaming pikes ; when, with one hand seizing the 
sacred peishcush, or fish — which was the banner always borne before 
Scsindiah, — he, with his goo<l swonl, cut off the trunk of the fiunoos 
white elephant, which, shrieking with agony, plungril madly into the 
Maliratta ranks, follows I by his giant brethren, tossing, like chaff 
before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He, meanwhile, now 
plunging into the midst of a battalion of consonmhs, now cleaving to 
the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,*' rushe<l on, like the 
simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing, with his own hand, a 

hundred and forty-thr but never mind ^ alone he did it;^ wxSSl- 

cient be it for him, however, tliat the victon- was won : he cares not 
for the empty lionours which were awanled to more fortunate men ! 

*\We maR*he<l after the kittle to Dellii, where i)oor blind old 
Shah Allum receive* I us, and l>e3towed all kinds of honours and 
titles on our General. As each of the othcen* ]mftsed l)efore him, the 
Shah did not fail to remark my i>er8on,t and wjis told my name. 

** Lonl Ltike whisj>ere(l to him my exj)loit.s and the old man 
was sfj (leliu:hted with the account of my vietorj- over the elephant 
(whose trunk I u.so to this day), that he siiid, * Lt*t him be called 
GujPUTi,' or the lonl of elephants ; and Giyj>uti was the name by 
which I was afterwanLs familiarly known amoii;^ the natives, — the 
men, that is. The women had a softer ap|K'llatinn for me, and called 
me ' Mushook,' or charmer. 

" Well, I shall not <lesoribe Delhi, which is tloubtless well known 
to the reader ; nor the siege of Asja, to which pla4*e we went from 
Delhi ; nor the terrible day at La^wanv, which went nigh to finish 
the war. Suffice it to say that we were victorious, and that I was 

♦ The douhle-jointe<l caniol of Bactria, which the classic reader may re- 
collect is menliono*! by Suidas (in his Commentary on the Fliyrht of Darius), u 
10 called by the Mahrattas. 

+ There w some triflinij: inconsistency on the Major's part. Shah Allum wa« 
notoriouitly blind : how, then, could he have seen Uahagan ] The thing is mani- 
festly impoMible. 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 145 

wounded ; as I have invariably been in the two hundred and four 
oocasionB when I have found myself in action. One point, however, 
became in the coiu'se of this campaign quite evident — that Bomething 
must be done for Grohagan. The country cried shame, the King's 
troops grumbled, the sepoys openly murmured that their Gujputi 
was only a lieutenant, when he had performed such signal services. 
What was to be done ? Lord Wellesley was in an evident quandary. 
* Gkihagan,' wrote he, * to be a subaltern is evidently not your jfate 
— you were bom for command ; but Lake and (General Wellesley 
are good officers, they cannot be turned out — I must make a post for 
you. What say you, my dear fellow, to a corps of irreguiar horse f ' 
" It was thus that the famous corps of AhmednugoarIrreoulabs 
had its origin ; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long 
be remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns. 

'* As the commander of thU regiment, I was allowefl to settle 
the uniform of the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were 
not wanting as soon as my appointment was made known, but 
came flocking to my standard a great deal faster tlian to the regular 
corps in the Company's service. I had European officers, of course, 
to command them, and a few of my countrymen as sergeants ; the 
rest were all natives, whom I cliose of the strongest and bravest 
men in India; chiefly Pi tans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and Calliawns: 
for these are well known to be the most warlike districts of our 
Indian territorj'. 

*' When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and 
noble appearance. I was always fond of dress ; and in this in- 
stance gave a carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most 
splendid costume that ever perhaps decorateti a soldier. I am, as 
I have states! already, six feet four inches in height, and of match- 
less symmetry and proportion. My hair and beani are of the most 
brilliant auburn, so briglit as scarcely to be distinguished at a 
distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue, overshadowed by 
bushy eyebrows of the coloiu* of my liair, and a terrific gash of the 
deepest purple, which goes over the foreheail, the eyelid, and the 
cheek, and finislies at the ear, gives my fiice a more strictly military 
appearance than can be conceive<l. When I have been drinking 
(as is pretty often the case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as 
I have another which took ofl* a piece of my under-lip, and shows 
five of my front t4?eth, I leave you to imagine that * seldom lighted 
on the efuth ' (as the monster Biu-ke remarked of one of his unhappy 
victims) * a more extraordinary vision.' I improved these natural 
■ilvantages; and, while in cantonment during the hot winds at 
Chittybobbar}', allowed my hair to grow very long, as did my beard. 



146 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

which reached to my waist. It took me two hours daily to coil 
my hair in ten thousand little corkscrew ringlets, which waved over 
my shouhlers, and to get my moustaches well round to the ocwiien 
of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and red moroooo 
boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same colour round my 
waist ; a scarlet turban three feet high, and decorated with a toft 
of the scarlet feathers of tiic flamingo, formed my head-dress, and 
I did not allow myself a single ornament, except a small silyer iknll 
and cross-bones in front of my turban. Two brace of pistolfl^ a 
Malay creese, and a tulwar, sliarp on both sides, and veiy neariy 
six feet in length, completed this elegant costume. My two iUgB 
were each surmounted with a real skull and cross-bones, and orna- 
mented one with a bbck, and the other i^ith a red beaid (of 
enormous length, taken from men slain in battle by me). On one 
flag were of coxme the arms of John Company ; on the other, an 
image of myself bestriding a prostrate elephant, with the simple 
word * GujpUTi * written underneath in the Nagaree, Persian, and 
Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and looked, by the 
immortal gods, like l^Iars. To me might be applied the words 
which were written concerning handsome General Webb, in Maii- 
borough's time : — 

' To noble danger he conducts the way. 
His great example all his troop obey, 
Before the front the Major sternly rides, 
With such an air as Mars to battle strides. 
Propitious Uearen must sure a hero save 
Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave ! ' 

"My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanultv, Lieutenants 
Glogger, Pappendick, Stuftie, &c. &c.) were dres8e<l exactly in the 
same way, but in yellow ; and the men were similarly eijuipped, but 
in black. I have seen many regiments since, ami many ferocious- 
looking men, but the Ahme<lnu<:gar Irregulars were more dreadful 
to the view than any set of ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I 
would to Heaven that the Czar of Muscovy had jwissed through 
Cabool and Lahore, and that I with my old Aliine<lnuggars stood 
on a fair field to meet him ! Bless you, bless you, my swart com- 
panions in victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the 
booming of your war-cry, and murk the glitter of yoiur scimitars as 
ye rage in the thickest of the battle ! * 

• I do not wish to brag of my style of writinjr, or to pretend that my 
genius as a writer has not been c<iuaned in former times ; but if, in the works 
of Byron, Scott, Goethe, or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful 
sentence than the abore, I will be obliged to him, that is all — I simply say, / 
wUl be oUiged to him.—G, 0*G. G., M.H.E.I.C.S., C.I.H.A. 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 147 

"But away with melancholy reminiscenceB. You may fancy 
what a figure the Irregulars cut on a field-day — a line of five 
hundred black-&ced, black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men 
— Biggs, Glogger, and the other officers in yellow, galloping about 
the field like flashes of lightning ; myself enlightening them, red, 
solitary, and miyestic, like yon glorious orb in heaven. 

"There are very few men, I presume, who liave not heard 
of Holkar's sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the 
year 1804, when we thought that the victory of Laswaree and the 
brilliant success at Deeg had completely finished him. Taking ten 
thousand horse he broke up his camp at Palimbang ; and the first 
thing General Lake heard of him was, that he was at Putna, then 
at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam — he was, in fact, in the very 
heart of oiu* territory. 

" The unfortunate part of the aflliir was this : — His Excellency, 
despising the Mahratta chieftain, had aUowed him to advance about 
two thousand miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest 
degree where to lay hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug ] was he 
at Bogly Gunge? nobody knew, and for a considerable period the 
movements of Lake's cavalry were quite ambiguous, uncertain, pro- 
miscuous, and undetermined. 

"Such, briefly, was the state of afMn in October 1804. At 
the beginning of that month I harl been wounded (a trifling scratch, 
cutting off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under- 
lip), and I was obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, 
whilst I retired for my wounds to an English station at Fumickabad, 
ali(u Futtyghur — it is, as every twopenny postman knows, at tlie 
apex of the Dooab. We liave there a cantonment, and thither I 
went for the mere sake of the surgeon and the sticking-plaster. 

" Fumickabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns : the 
lower Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is 
fortified slightly, and lias dl along been ca}Ic<l Futtyghur, moaning 
in Hindustanee * the -favourite -resort-of- the -white - facc<l-Fcringhee«- 
near-the-mango-tope-consecrate<l-to-Rain'), occupied by £uro])eans. 
(It is astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, 
and how much can be conveywl in one or two of the commonest 
phrases.) 

*' Bi^^S then, and my men wt're playing all sorts of wondrous 
pranks with Loni Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling 
prisoner of health at Futtyghur. 

" An unwiUing prisoner, however, I should not say. The canton- 
ment at Futtyghur contained that which would have made any man 
a happy slave. Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and 
raziety 1 The fiurt is, that, when the campaign commenced in 1803, 



148 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

the ladies of the army all conj^regated to this place, where they were 
left, as it was supposed, in safety. I might, like Homer, relate the 
names and qualities of all I may at least mention wme whose 
memory is still most dear to me. There was — 

" Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the Infimtiy. 

" Miss Bulcher. 

" Miss Belinda Bulcher (whose name I beg the printer to 
place in lar^ capitals). 

" Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy. 

" Mrs. Migor Macan and the four Misses Macan. 

'' The Honourable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and 
many more too numerous to mention. The flower of our camp 
however, collected there, and the last words of Lord Lake to me, 
I left him, were, ' Grahagan, I commit those women to your chaige. 
Guard them with your life, watch over them with your honour, 
defend them with the matcliless power of your indomitable arm.' 

"Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the 
pretty air of the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango- 
trees, has often ere this excite<l the admiration of the tourist and 
sketcher. On the brow of a hill — the Bumimpooter river rolls 
majestically at its base ; and no sjwt, in a wonl, can be conceived 
more exquisitely amingod, both by art and nature, as a favourite 
residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, 
and the other marrie<l ladies above mentioned, had each of them 
delightful bungalows and ganlens in tlic pUu*c, and between one 
cottage and another my time passetl as delightfully as can the hours 
of any man who is away from his darling occupation of war. 

" I was the comnmndant of the fort. It is a little insignificant 
pettah, dcfen<led simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary 
counterscarp, and a l)omb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my 
flag was planted, and the small garrisim of forty men only were 
comfortably barracketl off in the casemates within. A surgeon 
and two cliaplains (there were besides three reverend gentlemen 
of amateur missions, who liveil in the town) completed, as I may 
say, the garrison of our little fortalicre, which I was left to defend 
and to command. 

" On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I 
had invited Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and lier daughters, Mrs. 
Vandegobbleschroy, and, indeeil, all the ladies in the cantonment, 
to a little festival in honour of the recovery of my health, of the 
commencement of the shooting season, and indeeil as a farewell Tisit, 
for it was my intention to take dawk the very next morning and 
return to my regiment. The three amateur missionaries whom I 
have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of very rigid 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 149 

religious principles, refused to appear at my little party. They 
had better never have been bom than have done as they did : as 
you shall hear. 

" We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly 
of the delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a 
similar kind, which I had shot in the course of the day) had been 
duly feted by every lady and gentleman present ; when I took an 
opportunity to retire on the ramparts, with the interesting and 
lovely Belinda Bulcher. I was occupied, as the French say, in 
conterAxig Jleurette$ to this sweet yoimg creature, when, all of a 
sudden, a rocket was seen whizziug through the air, and a strong 
light was visible in the valley below the little fort 

*' ' What, fireworks ! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda ; ' this is 
too gallant.' 

" * Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, * they are fireworks of 
which I have no idea : perhaps our fHends the missionaries ' 

^* ' Look, look ! ' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly 
hold of my arm: *wliat do I see? yes — no — yes! it is — our 
bungalow is in flames ! ' 

*' It was tnic, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major- 
Cknenil was at that moment seen a prey to the devouring element 
— another and another succcetle<l it — seven bungalows, before I coidd 
almost ejaculate the name of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing 
brightly in the black midnight air ! 

*' I seized my uight-gkiss, and looking towards the 8iK)t where 
the conflagration raged, wliat was my astonishment to see thousands 
of black forms dancing round the fires ; whilst by their lights I 
could observe columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and 
taking up their ground in the ver>' middle of the open square or 
tank, round which the bungalows were built ! 

' " ' Ho, wanler ! ' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling 
Belinda clung closer to my side, and presse^l the stalwart arm that 
encirc*le<l her waist), ' do^ii with the drawbridge ! see that your masol- 
gees' (small tumbrels which are use<l in place of large artillery) 
• be well loode<l : you, sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin ! you, 
choprasees, put out the lights in the embrasures ! wo shall have 
warm work of it to-night, or my name is not Goliah Craha^ran.' 

"The ladies, the guests (to the number of eiirhty-three), the 
sepoys, choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the 
platform at the sound of my shouting, and dreailful was the con- 
sternation, shrill the screaming, occasioned by my wonls. The men 
stood irresolute and mute with terror ; the women, trembling, knew 
scarcely whither to fly for refuge. ' Who are yonder ruffians f ' said I. 
A handled voices yelped in reply — some said the Pindarecs, some 



ISO THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

said the Mahrattas, some vowed it was Scindiah, and othen dedared 
it was Holkar — no one knew. 

'' ' Is there any one here,' said I, ' who will ventare to noon- 
noitre yonder troops ? ' There was a dead pause. 

'* ' A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news d 
yonder army ! ' again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fiurt 
was that Scindiah and Holkar both were so notorious for their 
cruelty, that no one dared venture to face the danger. *0h for 
fifty of my brave Alimednuggarees ! ' thought I. 

" * Gentlemen,' said I, * I see it — you are cowanls — none of you 
dare encounter the chance even of death. It is an enoouragiqg 
prospect : know you not that the nitlian Holkar, if it be he, wiU 
with to-morrow's dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thou- 
sands of men against our walls] know you not that, if we are 
taken, there is no quarter, no ho[)c ; death for us — and worse than 
death for these lovely ones assembled here?' Here the ladies 
shrieketl and raised a howl as I have heanl the jackals on a summei's 
evening. Belinda, my dear Belinda ! flung both her arms round me^ 
and 8obbe<l on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket rather, fi>r 
the little \iitoh could reach no higher). 

" * Captain Gahagan,' sobbeil she, * Go — Go — Goggle — iah ! ' 

" * My soul's adore<l I ' replied I. 

" * Swear to me one thing.' 

" * I swear.' 

" * That if — that if — the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-ra-a-a- 
attahs take the fort, you will put me out of their power.' 

** I rlas[>ed the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword 
that, rather than she should incur the risk of dishonour, she should 
perish by my own hand. This ctJmforted lier; and her mother, 
Mrs. Major-Geucral Bulcher, and her ehler sister, who had not until 
now knovm a word of <nir attachment (indeed, but for these extra* 
onlinar>' circumstances, it is i»robjible that we ourselves shoiUd never 
have discovered it), were under these i^ainful circumstances made 
aware of my belovtMl Belinda's jmrtiality for nie. Having communi- 
cated thus her wish of selfn lest met ion, I thought her example a 
touching and excellent one, an<l i)ropose4l to all the la<lies that they 
should follow it, and that at the q\\Xt\ of the enemy into the fort, 
and at a signal given by me, they should one an<l all make away 
with themselves. Fancy my disgust when, after making this 
proposition, not one of the ladies chose to aci'cde to it, and received 
it with the sjupc chilling denial that my fonner proposal to the 
garrison had met with. 

" In the midst of this hurrj' and confusion, as if purposely to add 
to it, a tnmipet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 151 

sentinelB came running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was 
before the gate with a flag of truce ! 

'* I went down, rightly coi\jecturing, as it turned out, that the 
party, whoever they might be, had no artillery ; and received at the 
point of my sword a scroll of which the following is a translation : — 



" * T'o Goltah Gahcufan Gt^jputi, 

" * Lord of Elephants, Sir, — I have the honour to inform you 
that I arrived before this place at eight o'clock p.m. with ten thousand 
cavalry under my onlers. I have burned, since my arrival, seventeen 
bungalows in Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been 
under the painful necessity of putting to death three clergymen 
(mollahs) and seven English officers, whom I found in the village ; 
the women have been transferred to safe keeping in the harems of 
my officers and myself. 

" * As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if 
you will surrender the fortress, and take senice as a major-general 
(hookahbadar) in my anny. Should my proposal not meet with 
yoiu* assent, I beg leave to state that to-morrow I sliall storm the 
fort, and on taking it, shall put to death every male in the garrison, 
and every female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall 
reserve a punishment, which for novelty and exquisite torture has, I 
flatter myself, hanlly ever been exceeded. Awaiting the favour of 
a reply, I am. Sir, your very obedient servant, 

"*Je8wunt Row Holkar. 

" ' Camp before Futttohcr : September 1, 1804. 

" • R. 8. V. P.' 

" The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is aston- 
ishing how Holkar liad ape<i the forms of English correspondence), 
an enormous Pitan soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap 
and cai)e, round which his turban woimd, was leaning againnt the 
gate on his matchlock, and whistling a national melmly. I read 
the letter, and saw at once there was nt» time to be lost. That 
man, thought I, mu>*t never go back to Holkar. Wen* he to 
atta(*k us now before we were prejKinMl, the fort wouhl be his in 
half-an-hour. 

** Tying my white |)ocket-handken'hief to a stick, I flung ofien 
the gate and ailvance<l to the officer : he was standing, I said, on the 
little bridge across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the 
&shion of the countr}*, and, as he bent forward to return the com- 
pliment, I am sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent 



152 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OP 

blow on the head, which deprived him of all senBation, and tben 
dragged him within the wall, raising the drawbridge after me. 

'' I bore the body into my own apartment ; there, swift as thon^t^ 
I stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, pe\jammahs,and papooaheBi 
and, putting them on myself^ determined to go forth and reoonnmtre 
the enemy." 



Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the 
rest of the staff were sound asleep ! What I did in my reconnais- 
sance, and how I defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shaU have the 
honour of telling on another occasion. 



CHAPTER IV 

THE INDIAN CAMP—THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT 

HiADQUARTBBS, MoRKLLA : Odober 3, 1838. 

IT is a balmy night. I hear the meny jingle of the tambourine, 
and the cheer>' voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance 
beneath my casement, under the shadow of the clustering Tines. 
The kugh and song pass gaily round, and even at this distance I 
can distinguish the elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers 
gay nothings in the ears of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the 
thrilling chorus of Riego's hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated 
by the enthusiastic soldiery of Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the 
most inaccessible and most bomb-proof tower of our little fortollce ; 
the large casements are o])en — the wind, as it enters, whispers in 
my ear its odorous recollections of the orange grove and the myrtle 
bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant cetkr-tree) flares and 
flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses its scent and burning 
splinters on my scroll and the desk where I write — meet implements 
for a soldier's authorship ! — it is cartridge paper over which my 
Iten runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of gunpowder forms my 
rough writing-table. Around me, below me, above me, all — all ia 
peace I I think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country, England ! 
and muse over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early days ! 
Let me resume my narrative at the }x)int where (interrupted by 
the authoritative summons of war) I paused on the last occasion. 

I left off, I think — (for I am a thousand miles away from proof- 
sheets as I write, and, were I not writing the simple truth, must 
contradict myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)— I 
think, I say, that I left off at that ])eriod of my st(>r>% when, 
Holkar being before Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, 
I had just been comi>elle<l to make away with his messenger : and, 
dresseil in the fallen Indian's accoutrements, went forth to roooD- 
noitre the force, and, if possible, to learn the intentions of the 
enemy. However much my figure might liavo resemble*! that of the 
Pitan, and, disguised in his armour, might have deceived the lynx- 
eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to plunge, it was 
evident that a single gbince at my fiiir face and auburn beard would 



154 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OP 

haye undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar^s army. Seiang; 
then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my fisuse and my 
hands, and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made 
my hair and beard as black as ebony. The Indian's helmet and 
chain hood covered likewise a great part of my fiEtce, and I hoped 
thus, with luck, impudence, and a complete command of all the 
Eastern dialects and languages, from Bunnah to Afghanistan, to 
pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous ordeal. 

I had not the word of the night, it is true — but I trusted to 
good fortune for that, and passc<l boldly out of the fortress, bearing 
the flag of truce as before ; I had scarcely passed on a couple of 
hundred yards, when lo ! a party of Induin horsemen, armed like 
him I had just overcome, trotted towards me. One was leading 
a noble white chaiger, and no sooner did he see me than, dismount- 
ing from his own horse, and giWng the rein to a companion, he 
advance<l to meet me with the cliaiger ; a second fellow likewise 
dismounted and followed the first : one held the bridle of the hone^ 
while the other (with a multitude of salaams, aleikums, and other 
genuflections) held the jewelled stirrup, and kneeling, waited until I 
should mount. 

I took the hint at once : the Indian who had come up to the 
fort was a great man — that was evident; I walked on with a 
majestic air, gathere<l up the velvet reins, and sprung into the 
magnificent high-peaked saddle. '^Buk, buk," said I. *'It is 
good. In the name of the forty-nine Imaums, let us ride on." 
And the whole jMirty set off at a brisk trot, I keeping silence, and 
thhiking with no little trepidation of what I was about to encounter. 

As we rode along, I heanl two of the men commenting upon my 
unusual silence (for I suppose, I — that is the Indian — was a talka- 
tive officer). "The lips of the Bahawder are closed," said one. 
"Where are those birds of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they 
are imprisoned l^etween the golden bars of his teeth I " 

" Kush," said his comjjanion, " be quiet ! Bobbachy Bahawder 
has seen the dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant- 
lord, whose sword reaps the har^-est of death ; there is but one 
champion who can wear the papooshes of the elephant-slayer — it 
is Bobbachy Bahawder I " 

"You speak tnUy, Puneeree Miickun, the Bahawder ruminates 
on the words of the unbeliever : he is an ostrich, nnd hatches the 
eggs of his thoughts." 

" Bekhusm ! on my nose be it ! May the young birds, his 
actions, be strong and swifl in flight." 

"May they digest iron!" said Puneeree Muckun, who was 
evidently a wag in his way. 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 155 

" Oh — ho ! " thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. 
" It was, then, the fiunous Bobbachy Bahawder whom I overcame 
just now ! and he is the man destined to stand in my slippers, is 
he ? '' and I was at that very moment standing in his ovtvl ! Such 
are the chances and changes that fall to the lot of the soldier ! 

I suppose everybody — everybody who has been in India, at 
least — has heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived 
from the two Hindustanee words — bobbachy, general ; bahawder, 
artilleryman. He had entered into Holkar's service in the latter 
capacity, and had, by his merit and his undaunted bravery in action, 
attaincii the dignity of the peacock's feather, which is only granted 
to noblemen of the first class ; he was married, moreover, to one of 
Holkar's iimumcrable daughters ; a match which, according to the 
Chronu/u€ Scandaletue, brought more of honour than of pleasure 
to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the field, it was said 
that in the harem he was the veriest craven alive, completely subju- 
gated by his ugly and odious wife. In all matters of importance 
the late Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it 
appears (knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash 
in his attack upon so fonnidable an enemy), sent forward the un- 
fortunate Pitan to rccomioitrc the fort ; he was to have done yet 
more, as I leame<l from the r.ttendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, 
I soon found out, an old favourite with the Bobbachy — doubtless on 
account of his honesty and love of repartee. 

'^The Baliawder's lips are closet!," said he at last, trotting up 
to me ; " has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun ? " 

" Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah," said I ; which means, *' My 
good friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble of rehition, 
and fills my bosom with the darkest forelnxiings." 

*' You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with 
your dagger 1 " 

[Here was a pretty conspiracy !] " No, I saw him, but not 
alone ; his people were always with him." 

*' Hurrumzadeh ! it is a pity ; we waited but the sound of your 
jn^^ree (whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized 
ufion every man, woman, and child in the fort : however, there are 
Uit a dozen men in the garrison, and they have not ))n)\iHion for 
two days — they must yield ; and then hurrah for the nuNin-CEices ! 
Mashallah ! I am told the soldiers who firet get in are to have 
their pick. How my old woman, liotee Muckun, will lie siu^rised 
when I bring home a couple of Feringliee wives, — ha ! ha I " 

" Fool ! " said I, " be still I — twelve m^n in the garrison ! there 
are twelve hundred ! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand 
men ; and as for food, I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocka 



156 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OP 

grazing in the courtyBrd as I entered." This wom a bounoeTy I con- 
fess ; but my object was to deceive Puneerec Muckun, and give him 
as high a notion as possible of the capabilities of defence which the 
besieged had. 

"Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of a 
fortress : we shall never be able to take it until our guns come up." 

There was hope then ! they had no battering-train. Ere this 
arrived, I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and 
march do>^7i to rescue us. Thus occupied in thought and conversa- 
tion, we rode on until the advanced sentinel challenged us, when 
old Puneeree gave the word, and we passed on into the centre of 
Holkar's camp. 

It was a strange — a stirring sight! The camp-fires were 
lighted ; and round them — eating, reposing, talking, looking at the 
merry steps of the dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some 
Dhol Baut (or Indian improvisatore) — were thousands of dusky 
soldiery. The camels and horses were picketed under the banyan- 
trees, on which the ripe mango fruit was growing, and offered IJiem 
an excellent food. Towards the spot which the golden fish and 
royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the tent of Holkar, 
led an immense avenue — of elephants ! the finest street, indeed, I 
ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on its back, 
armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian match- 
lock-men : it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and the 
grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled 
with pine-apples, plantains, bananas, Indian com, and cocoa-nuts, 
which grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. AVc passe<l down 
this extraonlinary avenue — no less than three hundred and eighty- 
eight tails <li<l I count on c^ch side — each tail appiertaining to an 
elephant twenty-five feet high — each elephant haWng a two^toried 
castle on its back — each castle containing sleejiing and eating rooms 
for the twelve men that formed its garrison, and were keeping watch 
on the roof — each nxif bearing a flagstaff twenty feet long on its 
top, the crescent glittering with a thousand gems, and round it the 
imperial standard, — each standard of silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, 
bearing the well-known de\ice of Holkar, argent an orgides, between 
a sinople of the first, a che\Ton truncated, wavy. I took nine of 
these mvsolf in the course of a verv short time after, and shall be 
happy, when I come to England, to show them to any gentleman 
who has a curiosity that way. Through this gorgeous scene our 
little cavalcade passed, an<l at last we arrived at the quarters occu- 
pied by Holkar. 

That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered 
roimd one of the British bungalows which had escaped the flameSi 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 157 

and which he occupied during the siege. When I entered the krge 
room where he sat, I found him in the midst of a council of war ; 
his chief generals and viziers seated round him, each smoking his 
hookah, as is the common way with these black fellows, before, at, 
and after breakfiist, dinner, supper, and bedtime. There was such 
a cloud raised by their smoke you could hardly see a yard before 
you — another piece of good-luck for me — as it diminished the chances 
of my detection. When, with the onlinary ceremonies, the kitmat- 
gars and consomahs had explained to the prince that Bobbachy 
Bahawder, the right eye of the Sun of the Universe (as the ignorant 
heathens called me), had arrived from his mission, Holkar imme- 
diately summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on 
which he was seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly 
taking off my sli)>pers, falling on my knees, and beating my head 
against the ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees, 
a himdred and twenty feet through the room, and then up the 
twenty steps which led to his maidaun — a silly, painful, and dis- 
gusting ceremony, which can only be considered as a relic of 
barbarian darkness, which tears the knees and shins to pieces, let 
alone the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who goes to India, 
with the prospect of entering the service of the native rajahs, to 
re<'ollect my advice, and have them tcfll xoadded. 

Well, the right eye of the Sun of the Universe 8cramble<i as 
well as he could up the steps of the maidaun (on which, in rows, 
smoking, as I have said, the musnuds or general ofticers were 
seated), and I arrived within speaking distance of Holkar, who 
instantly asked me the success of my mission. The impetuous old 
man thereon poured out a multitude of questions : *' How many 
men are there in the fort ? " said he ; " how many women ? Is it 
victualle<l ? have they ammunition ? * Did you see Ckihagan Sahib, 
the commander? did you kill him?" 

All these questions Jeswunt Row Holknr puffe<l out with so 
many whiffs of tobacco. 

Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud 
that, u])on my honour as a gentleman, no man at three yonls' 
distance could perceive anything of me except the pillar of smoke 
in which I was encompasscil, I told Holkar, in Oriental language 
of course, the best tale I could with reganl to the fort. 

" Sir," said I, " to answer your last question first— that dreadful 
Gigputi I liave seen — and he is alive : he is eight feet, nearly, in 
height ; he can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven humlred 
at present in the compound, and swears that diuing the siege he 
will content himself with only three a week) : he has lost, in battle, 
hii left eye; and what is the consequence? O Ram Gunge" 



158 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OP 

(0 thou-with-the-eyc-as-bright-as-moming and-with-beaid-a8-b]ack-«8- 
night), " Goliah Gigputi — never bleeps ! " 

*' Ah, you Ghonimsaug (you thief of the world)/' said the Prinee 
Vizier, Saaihit Alee Beg Bimbukehee — "it's joking you aro;** — 
and there was a uniyersal buzz through the room at the annonmoe- 
ment of this bouncer. 

"By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu,** said I 
solemnly (an oath which no Indian was ever known to break), ** I 
swear tliat so it is : so at least he ti>ld me, and I have good cause 
to know his power. Giyputi is an enchanter : he is leagued with 
devils ; he is invulnerable. Look," said I, misheathing my dagger 
— and every eye turned instantly towanls me — " thrice did I stab 
him with this steel — in the back, once — twice right through the 
heart ; but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell Holkar 
that the steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an iiyiuy 
upon him." 

I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave 
him this somewhat imprudent message. 

" A]i, lily-livered rogue I " shout e<l he out to me, " milk-blooded 
imbeliever ! pale-faced miscrejmt ! lives he after insulting thy master 
in thy presence ? In the name of the Prophet, I spit on thee, defy 
thee, ablior thee, degrade thee ! Take that, thou liar of the 
universe ! and that — and that — and that ! " 

Such arc the frightful excesses of barbaric minds ! every time 
this old man said, " Take that," he flun<; some article near him at 
the head of the undaunted Gahagim— his dagger, his sword, his 
carbine, his richly ornamented pistols, his turban covered with 
jewels, worth a hundre<l thousand cn>res of nii)ee8 — finally, his 
hookah, snake mouthpiece, silver-bell, chillum and all — which went 
hissing over my head, and flattening: into a jelly the nose of the 
Grand Vizier. 

" Y(x*k muzzee ! my nose is oft'," said the old man mildly. 
" Will you have my life, Holkar ? it is thine likewise ! " and no 
other wonl of complaint escai>e<l his lijw. 

Of all these missiles, though a jnstol ami carbine had gone off 
as the ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked 
scimitar, fiercely but imadroitly thrown, hacl lopiKMl off" the limbs of 
one or two of the musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, 
yet, strange to say, not a single weapon had hurt me. When the 
hubbub cciised, and the unlucky wretches who had been the victims 
of this fit of rage ha4l been removed, Holkar's good-hmnour some- 
what returned, and he allowed me to continue my account of the 
fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of his bunt of 
impatience : as indeeil it would have been the height of impolite- 



MA JOE GAHAGAN i$9 

nesB to have done, for such accidents happened many times in 
the day. 

*' It is well that the Bobhachy has returned/' BnufiQed out the 
poor Grand Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extra- 
ordinary means of defence possessed by the garrison. " Your star 
is bright, Bahawder ! for this very night we had resolved upon 
an escalade of the fort, and we had sworn to put every one of the 
infidel garrison to the edge of the sword." 

" But you have no battering train," said I. 

" Bah ! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient 
to blow the gates open ; and then, hey for a chai^ ! " said Loll 
Mahommed, a general of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbach/s, 
and contradicted, therefore, every word I said. " In the name of 
Juggernaut, why wait for the heavy artillery? Have we not 
swonls ? Have we not hearts ? Mashallah ! Let cravens stay 
with Bobbachy, all true men will follow Loll Mahommed ! Alkh- 
humdillah, Bismillah, Barikalhih ? " * and drawing his scimitar, he 
wave<l it over his heail, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was 
repeated by many of the other omrahs ; the sound of their cheers 
was carried into the camp, and caught up by the men ; the camels 
began to cry, the horses to prance and neigh, the eight hundred 
elephants set up a scream, the tnimpeters and dnimmers clanged 
away at their instruments. I never heanl such a din before or 
after. How I trembled for my little garrison when I heard the 
cnthusii^stic cries of this innumerable host ! 

There was but one way for it '* Sir," said I, addressing Holkar, 
''go out to-night, and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed 
has not seen the fort as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and 
for what ] to fall before the fire of a hundnnl pieces of artillery ; to 
storm another gate, and then another, and then to be blown up, with 
Gahagan's garrison in the citadel. Who talks of courage? Were 
I not in your august presence, star of the faithful, I would crop 
Loll Mahommed's nose from his face, and wear his cars as an 
ornament in my own pugree ! Who is there here that knows not 
the difference between yonder yellow-skinneil cowanl and Gahagan 
Khan Gig — I mean Bobbachy Bahawder ? I am ready to fight one, 
two, three, or twenty of them, at broadsword, small-swonl, single- 
stick, with fists if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is like 
mate and dthrink to Ga- -to Bobbachy, I mane — whoop ! come on, 
you diwle, and I'll bate the skin off your ugly bones." 

This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for, when I am 

* The Major hAs put the mmit npproTed langiia^^ into the moathi of his 
Indian characten. Bismillah, Barikallah, and so on, according to the noTelista, 
form the rery ewenre of Eastern coDTermtton. 



i6o THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

agitated, I involuntarily adopt some of the phraBeology peculiar to 
my own country ; which is so uneastem, that, had there been anj 
suspicion as to my real character, detection must indubitably bave 
ensued. As it was, Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneoualy 
stopped the dispute. Loll Mahommed, however, evidently suspected 
something ; for, as Holkar, with a voice of thunder, shouted cmt ; 
" Tomasha (silence)," Loll sprang forward and gasped out — 

" My lord ! my lord ! this is not Bob—" 

But he could say no more. " Gag the slave ! " screamed oat 
Holkar, stamping with fury; and a turban was instantly twisted 
round the poor devil's jaws. " Ho, furoshes ! carry out LoH 
Mahommed Khan, give him a himdred dozen on the soles of bis 
feet, set him upon a white donkey, and carry him round the camp^ 
with an inscription before him : ' This is the way that Holkiir 
rewards the talkative.* " 

I breathed again ; and ever as I heanl each whack of the bamboo 
fidling on Loll Mahommetl's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, 
and thanked my stars that I was delivered of this danger. 

" Vizier," said Holkar, who eiyoye<l LolPs roars amazingly, " I 
owe you a reparation for your nose : kiss the hand of your prince, 

Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee ! be from this day forth Zohm 
u Dowlut ! " 

The gixxl old man's eyes fillctl with tears. " I can bear thy 
severity, O Prince," said he ; "I cannot bear thy love. Was it 
not an honour that your Highness did me just now when you con- 
descended to pass over the bridge of your slave's nose ] " 

The phrase was by all voices pronoimced to be very poeticaL 
The Vizier retired, crowned with his new honoiu^, to bed. Holkar 
was in high good-humour. 

" Bobbachy," said he, " thou, too, must panlon me. A propo^ 

1 have news for thee. Yoiu* wife, the in(»omi)arable Puttee Ro<^ " 
(white and red rose), " has arrived in camp." 

" My WIFE, my lonl I " said I, aghast. 

" Our daughter, the light of tliine eyes ! Go, my son ; I see 
thou art wild with joy. The Princess's tents are set up dose by 
mine, and I know thou longest to join her." 

My wife ? Here was a comjilication truly ! 



CHAPTER V 

THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEff^ WITH MY WIFE 

I FOUND Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, 
waiting at the gate, and they immediately conducted me to 
my own tents in the neighbourhood. I have been in many 
dangerous predicaments before that time and since, but I don't care 
to deny that I felt in the present instance such a throbbing of the 
heart as I never have experienced when leading a forlorn hope, or 
marching up to a battery. 

As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, 
some to ease me of my armour, some to offer me refreshments, some 
with hookahs, attar of roses (in great quart bottles), and the thou- 
sand delicacies of Eastern life. I motioned them away. '* I will 
wear my armour," said I ; " I shall go f«)rth to-night. Carry my 
<luty to the princess, and say I grieve that to-night I have not the 
time to see her. Spread me a couch here, and bring me supper 
here : a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed with 
pistachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid — any- 
thing. Begone! Give me a pipe; leave mc alone, and tell me 
when the meal is ready." 

I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and 
hoped to be able to escape without subjecting myself to the 
examination of her curious eyes. After smoking for a while, an 
attendant came to tell me that my supi^er was prepared in the 
inner apartment of the tent (I supjiose that the reader, it he be 
possessed of the commonest intelligence, knows that the t<*nts of 
the Indian grandees are ma<le of the finest Cashmere shawlK, and 
contain a dozen rooms at least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash- 
windows complete). I entere<l, I say, fnto an inner chamber, and 
there began with my fingers to devour my meal in the Oriental 
fiuhion, taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar, which 
was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow. 

I was just in the act of desiNitohing the last morsel of a most 

savoury stewed lamb and rice, which had forme<l my meal, when 

I heard a scuffle of feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the 

curtain being flung open, in marched a lady aooompanied by twalYe 

S L 



• 



• 



i62 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

slaves, with moon &ces and slim waists, lovely as the homis in 
Paradise. 

The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a oontnst to 
her attendants as could possibly be : she was crooked, old, of the 
complexion of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more u^ 
by the tawdry dress and the blazing jewels with which she was 
covered. A Hne of yellow chalk drawn from her foreheail to the 
tip of her nose (which was fiirther ornamented by an immense 
glittering nose-ring), her eyelids painted bright red, and a large 
dab of the same colour on her chin, showed she was not of the 
Mussulman, but the Brahmin faith — and of a very high caste : yoa 
could see that by her eyes. My mind was instantaneously nude 
up as to my line of action. 

The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment^ as 
they heanl the well-known soimd of her voice. It would have 
been death to them to have remained and looked in her fiice. The 
females ranged themselves round their mistress, as she squatted 
down opposite to me. 

''And is this," said she, ''a welcome, Khan! after six 
montlis' absence, for the most unfortunate and losing wife in all 
the world ? Is this lamb, glutton ! half so tender as thy spouse t 
Is this wine, sot ! half so sweet as her looks ? " 

I saw the storm was brewing — her slaves, to whom she turned, 
kept up a kind of chonis : — 

" Oh, the faithless one ! " cried they. " Oh, the rascal, the 
felse one, who has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like 
the Khanum's ! " 

" A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I gravely ; " but a lamb 
has a good temper : a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman 
— but a wine-cup has no tomjue, Khauum Gee ! " and again I 
dipped my nose in the soul-refrcsliing jar. 

The sweet Puttee R<K)ge was not, however, to be put off by my 
repartees ; she and her maidens rei'onimeneed their chorus, and 
chattered and storme<l until I lost all iwtience. 

" Retire, friends," said I, ** and leave nie in peace." 

" Stir, on yoiu* jicril I " cried the Khanum. 

So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my 
pistols, cocked them, and siiid, '* houris ! these pistols contain 
each two balls : the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me— 
but for you I — by all the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die if 
ye stay a moment longer in my presence I " This was enough ; the 
la<Ues gave a shriek, and skurried out of the aiuirtment hke a oovey 
of partridges on the wing. 

Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or lathcr 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 163 

Bobbochy's wife, sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity 
which her lord had displayed in her presence. I seized her hand, 
and, gripping it close, whispered in her ear, to which I put the 
other pistol : — " Khanuni, listen and scream not ; the moment 
you scream, you die ! " She was completely beaten : she turned 
as pale as a woman could in her situation, and said, "Speak, 
Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb." 

" Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the 
chain cape which had covered almost the whole of my face — " / am 
not thy husband — I am the slayer of elephants, the world-renowned 
Gahagan ! " 

As I said this, an<l as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my 
shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed &ce and beard), I 
fonned one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, and 
I recommend it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next " Book of 
Beauty." 

" Wretch ! " said she, " what wouldst thou ? " 

" You black-&oed fiend," said I, " raise but your voice, and you 
are dead ! " 

"And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that you can 
escape? The torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures 
that Holkar will invent for thee." 

" Tortures, madam ] " answered I, coolly. " Fiddlesticks ! You 
will neither betray me, nor will I be put to the torture : on the 
contrary, you will give me your best jewels and &cilitate my escape 
to the fort. Don't grind yoiu* teeth and swear at me. Listen, 
mailam : you know this dress and these arms ; — they arc the arms 
of your husband, Bobbachy Bahawder — my jrrisoner. He now lies 
in yonder fort, and if I do not return before daylight, at tunrise he 
dies: and then, when they send his corpse back to Holkar, what 
will you, his undatCy do ? " 

** Oh ! " said she, shuddering, " spare me, spare me ! " 

" ril tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure 
of dying along with him- of f/eing roasted, nia<Liui : an a^nising 
death, fh)m which your father cannot save you, to which he will be 
the first man to condemn and conduct you. Ha ! I see we under- 
stand each other, and you will give me over the taHh-box and jewels." 
And so saying I threw myself back with the calmest air imaginable, 
flinging the pistols over to her. " Light me a i»ipe, my love," said 
I, " and then go and hand me over the dollars : do you hear t ** 
You sec I had her in my power — up a tree, as the Americans say, 
and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then departed for 
the goods I spoke about 

What a thing is luck I If Loll Mahommed hnd not been made 



i64 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

to take that ride round the camp, I should infiiUibly have been 
lost. 

My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe after- 
wards, had occupied a couple of hours of my time. The prineev 
returned firom her quest, and brought with her the box, contttiiiqg 
Taluables to the amount of about three millions steriing. (I waa 
cheated of them afterwards, but have the box still, a plain deal 
one.) I was just about to take my departure, when a tremendooa 
knocking, shouting, and screaming was heard at the entrance of 
the tent. It was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed Loll 
Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master restored 
to good-humour, and had communicated to him his firm conviction 
that I was an impostor. 

" Ho, Begum ! " shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his 
people could not enter the women's apartments), ''speak, my 
daughter ! is your husband returned ? *' 

" Speak, madam,'' said I, "or remember the rotuting" 

" He is, papa," said the Bc^ul 

" Are you sure ? Ho ! ho ! ho ! '* (the old ruffian was laughing 
outside) — " are you sure it is 1 — Ha ! aha ! — he-e-t ! " 

" Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and 
to pass no more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I 
ever seen the face of any other man ? " And hereat she began to 
weep as if her heart would break — the deceitful minx 1 

Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to furj'. "Oh, you liar 
and eternal thief ! " said he, turning round (as I presiune, for I 
could only hear) to Loll Mahommetl, "to make your prince eat 
such monstrous dirt as this ! Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss 
him from my 8er>'ice, I degrade him from his rank, I appropriate to 
myself all his property : and hark ye, furoshes, give him a hun- 
dred DOZEN MORE ! " 

Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into 
my soul. 

• •••••• 

Just as mom began to break, two figures were seen to approach 
the little fortress of Futtyghur : one was a woman i»Tapped closely 
in a veil ; the other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly 
beauty of his form, who carried in his hand a deal box of con- 
siderable size. The warrior at the gate gave the wonl and was 
admitted ; the woman returned slowly to the Indian camp. Her 
name was Puttee Rooge ; his was — 

G. O'G. G., M.H.E.LC.S., C.I.H.A. 



CHAPTER VI 

FAMINE IN THE GARRISON 

THUS my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened 
with my precious box into my own apartment, which com- 
municated with another, where I had left my prisoner, with 
a guard to report if he should recover, and to prevent his escape. 
My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of the guard. I called him, and 
the fellow came, looking very much confused and frightened, as it 
seemed, at my appearance. 

" Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, " what makes thee look so pale, 
fellow ] " (He was as white as a sheet.) '' It is thy master, dost 
thou not remember him ? " The man had seen me dress myself in 
the Pitan*s clothes, but was not present when I had blacked my face 
and beard in the manner I have described. 

" O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet ! " cried the faithfiil fellow, 
'* and do I see my dear master disguisc<l in this way 1 For Heaven's 
sake let me rid you of this odious black paint ; for what will tho 
Lidies say in the ballroom if the beautiful Feringhee should appear 
amongst them with his roses turned into coal 1 " 

I am still one of the finest men in Eiurope, and at the time of 
which I write, when only two-and-twcnty, I confess I teas a little 
vain of my personal appearance, and not very willing to appear 
before my dear Belinda disguiso<I like a blackamoor. I allowed 
Ghonunsaug to divest me of the heathenish armour and habiliments 
which I wore ; and having, with a world of scrubbing and trouble, 
divestwi my face and bcanl of their black tinge, I put on my own 
becoming imiform, and hnstene<l to wait on the ladies ; luistone<l, I 
say, — although delaye<l wouM have been the better word, for the 
o|ieration of bleaching lasted at least two hours. 

" How is the prisoner, Ghonmisaug 1 " said I, before leaving my 
apartment. 

"He has recoverwl from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two 
men and myself watch over him ; and Macgillicuddy Saliib (the second in 
command) has just been the roun<ls, and has seen that all was secure.'* 

I Inde Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure 
(my exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help 



i66 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

informing him of its contents) ; and this done, I despatched him to 
his post near the prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay 
my respects to the Mr creatures under my protection. "What 
good after all have I done,'' thought I to myself, " in this expeditum 
which I had so rashly undertaken 1" I had seen the renowned 
Holkar; I had been in the heart of his camp; I knew the dis- 
position of his troops, that there were eleven thousand of them, and 
that he only waited for his guns to make a r^ular attack on the 
fort I had seen Puttee Roogc; I hod robbed her (I say trMed 
her, and I don't care what the reader or any other man may think 
of the act) of a deal box, containing jewels to the amount of three 
millions sterling, the property of herself and husband. 

Three millions in money and jewels 1 And what the deuce were 
money and jewels to me or to my poor garrison 1 Could my adorable 
Miss Bulcher eat a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt 
down pearls to her tea 1 Could I, careless as I am about fbod, with 
a stomach that would digest anything — (once, in Spain, I ate the leg 
of a horse during a fiEmiine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel 
that I bolted the shoe, as well as the hoo^ and never felt the slightest 
inconvenience from either) — could I, I say, expect to live long and 
well upon a ragodt of rupees, or a dish of stewed emeralds and 
rubies] With all the wealth of Croesus before me I felt melancholy; 
and would have paid cheerfully its weight in carats for a good honest 
round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth, what art thou] What is gold! 
— Soft metaL What are diamonds t — Shining tinseL The great 
wealth-winners, the only feme-achievers, the sole objects worthy of 
a soldier's consideration, are beefsteaks, gimpowder, and cold iron. 

The two latter means of competency we possessed ; I had in my 
own apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my 
own bed, with a candle burning for fear of accidents) ; I had 14 
pieces of artillery (4 long 4r8's and 4 carrona<le8, 5 howitzers, and a 
long brass mortar, for grape, which I had taken myself at the battle 
of Assaye), and muskets for ten times my force. My garrison, as 
I have told the reader in a previous number, consisted of 40 men, 
two chaplains, and a suigeon; add to these my guests, 83 in 
number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights, powder, 
pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out merely for a dance, 
and found themselves in for a siege). Such were our numbers : — 

Troops and artillerymen 40 

Ladies 74 

Other non-combatants 11 

Majob-General O'G. Gahagax . . 1,000 

1,125 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 167 

I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated 
in the army : with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as 
much as an ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals 
went, 126 mouths ; as combatants we numbered, 1,040 gallant men, 
with 12 guns and a fort, against Holkar and liis 12,000. No such 
alarming odds, if 

If I — ay, there was the rub — i/we had «Ao<, as well as powder 
for our guns ; if we had not only mtn but meat. Of the former 
commodity we had only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, 
upon my sacred honour, to feed 126 souls, we had but 

Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. 

Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer. 

Of soda-water, four ditto. 

Two bottles of fine Spanish olives. 

Raspberry cream — the remainder of two dishes. 

Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle. 

Half a drum of best Turkey figs. 

Some bits of broken bread ; two Dutch cheeses (whole) ; the 

crust of an old Stilton ; and about an ounce of almonds 

and raisins. 
Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 

bottles of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private 

stock) ; a couple of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of 

Florence oiL 

This was the provision for the whole garrison ! The men after 
supper had seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried 
ofl* finom the table ; and these were the miserable remnants I found 
and counted on my return ; taking good care to lock the door of 
the supper-room, an<l treasure what little sustenance still remained 
in it. 

When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning 
sun, I not only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own 
bosom which was of the most painful description. Oh, my reader ! 
may you never behold such a sight as that which prcAeuted itself: 
eighty-three men and women in ball-dresses ; the fonuer with their 
lank powdered locks streaming over their faccH ; the latter with 
fiuled flowers, uncurled wigs, sumdged rouge, bluu* eyes, draggling 
feathers, rumpled satins — each more tlesperately melancholy and 
hideous than the other — each, except my lieloveii Belinda Bulcher, 
whose raven ringlets never having been in curl, could of course never 
go out of curl ; whose cheek, pale as the lily, could, as it may 
satmally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous 



i68 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

amm, damling as alabaster, needed no peail-powder, and therefim^ 
as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder bad 
come off Joy (deft link-boy !) lit his lamps in each of her eym as 
I entered. As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo ! blushing roaea 
mantled in her cheek ! Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened 
their fire upon me, and stimned me with cross-questions r^gaidiiig 
my adventures in the camp — she, as she saw me, gave a fidnt 
scream (the sweetest, sure, that ever guigled through the throat of 
a woman !), then started up — then made as if she would sit down — 
then moved backwards — then tottered forwards — then tumbled into 
my — Psha ! why recall, why attempt to describe that delidoos — 
that passionate greeting of two young hearts t What was the 
surrounding crowd to tM / What cared we for the sneers of the 
men, the titters of the jealous women, the shrill " Upon my word ! ** 
of the elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda's 
mamma? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my anna. 
" Goliah ! my Goliah ! " said she, " my brave, my beautiAil, ikou 
art returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh ! who can tell 
the anguish of my soul, during this dreadful, dreadful night t" 
Other similar ejaculations of love and joy she uttered ; and if I had 
perilled life in her service, if I did believe that hope of escape there 
was none, so exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I foigot 
all else in this overwhelming joy ! 

[The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the 
very most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We 
have been compelleil to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole 
passage, though highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be 
tedious to the reader.] 

As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and 
were giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling 
round with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know 
I can sometimes put on, I shouted out, " Hark ye ! men and women 
— I am this lady's truest knight — her husband I hope one day to 
be. I am commander, too, in this fort — the enemy is without it ; 
another word of mockery — another glance of scorn — and, by Heaven, 
I will hurl every man and woman from the battlements, a prey to 
the ruflfianly Holkar ! " This quieted them. I am a man of my 
word, and none of them stirred or looked disrespectfully from that 
moment. 

It was now my turn to make them look foolish. Mrs. Yande- 
gobbleschroy (whose un&iling appetite is pretty well known to every 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 169 

penon who has been iu India) cried, '* Well, Captain Gahagan, your 
ball has been so pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long 
ago, that myself and the ladies would be very glad of a little break- 
&st" And Mrs. Van. giggled as if she had made a very witty and 
reasonable speech. " Oh ! breakfast, breakfast, by all means,** 
said the rest ; '* we really are dying for a warm cup of tea." 

'* Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies t " 
says I. 

'* Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said fat Mrs. 
Van. 

"What do you say, then, to some prime gunpowder?" Of 
course they said it was the very thing. 

" And do you like hot rowls or cowld — muffins or crumpets — 
fresh butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to 
some ilegant diwled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of 
grilled turiceys, and a couple of hundthred new-kid eggs for the 
ladies?" 

"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow," answered 
they all 

" But stop," says I. " ladies, ladles ! gentlemen, gentle- 
men ! that you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah 
Oahagan, and he been without " 

" What ? " said they, in a breath. 

" Alas ! alas ! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the 
whole house." 

" Well, well, we can do without it" 

" Or a single pound of coffee." 

" Never nund ; let that pass too." (Mrs. Van. and the rest 
were beginning to look alarmetl.) 

"And about the kidneys — now I remember, the black diwles 
outside the fort have seized u{Km all the sheep; and how are 
we to have kidneys without them?" (Here there was a slight 
0—0^0!) 

" And with reganl to the milk and crame, it may l>e remarked 
that the cows are likewise in pawn, and nut a single dn)p can be 
had for money or love : but we con beat up eggs, you know, in the 
tay, which will be just as good." 

"Oh! just as good" 

"Only the diwle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be 
had — no, nor a fresh chicken," coiitinue<l I, "nor a stale one either; 
not a tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay ; nor the 
laste taste in life of butther, salt or fresh ; nor hot rowls or cowld I " 

" In the name of Heaven ! " said Mrs. Van, growing very pala^ 
«" what U there, then?" 



170 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

"Ladies and gentlemen, 111 tell you what there is 
shouted L " There's 

" Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. 
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer/' &c &c &c. 

And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, 
with the ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly. 

"Law! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel VandegobbleBchroy, 
"give me the ham-sandwiches — I must manage to breakfisut off 
them." 

And you should have heard the pretty to^o there was at this 
modest proposition ! Of course I did not accede to it — ^why should 
I ? I was the commander of the fort, and intended to keep these 
three very sandwiches for the use of myself and my dear Belindai. 
" Ladies," said I, " there are in this fort one hundred and twenty- 
six souls, and this is all the food which is to last us during the si^ge. 
Meat there is none — of drink there is a tolerable quantity; and 
at one o'clock punctually, a glass of wine and one olive shall be 
served out to each woman : the men will receive two glasses, and 
an olive and a fig — and this must be your food during the siege. 
Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days ; and if he be — 
why, still there is a chance — why do I say a chance ? — a certainty 
of escaping from the hands of these ruffians." 

" Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan ! " screeched the 
whole covey at a breath. 

" It lies," answereii I, " in the powder magaziiie, I will blow 
this fort, and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of 
Holkar." 

The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard 
in Holkar's camp, and fainted in different directions ; but my dear 
Belinda whispered in my ear, '*Well done, thou noble knight! 
bravely said, my heart's Goliah ! " I felt I was right : I could have 
blown her up twenty times for the luxury of that single moment ! 
" And now, ladies," said I, " I nuist leave you. The two chaplains 
will remain with you to administer professional consolation — the 
other gentlemen will follow me upstairs to the ramparts, where I 
shall find plenty of work for them." 



CHAPTER VII 

THE ESCAPE 

LOTH as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to 
obey, and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where 
■^ I proceeded to review my men. The fort, in my absence, had 
been left in command of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of 
my own (with whom, as may be seen in an early chapter of my 
memoirs, I had an aiSair of honour) ; and the prisoner Bobbachy 
Baliawder, whom I had only stunned, never wishing to kill him, 
had been left in charge of that officer. Three of the garrison (one 
of them a man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body- 
servant, Ghorumsaug above named) were appointed to watch the 
captive by turns, and never leave him out of their sight. The 
lieutenant was instructed to look to them and to their prisoner; 
and as Bobbachy was severely injured by the blow which I had 
given him, and was, moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged 
smartly with cords, I considered myself sure of his person. 

Macgillicuildy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my 
little force, and the three havildars were likewise absent : this did 
not surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; 
but desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger 
to him, and onlered him to appear immediately. 

The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he 
whispered some information into my ear, which instantly caused me 
to hasten to the apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Baliawder 
to be confinecL 

The men had fled ; — Bobbachy had fled ; and in his place, fancy 
my astonishment when I found — with a rope cutting his naturally 
wide mouth almost into his cars — with a dreadful sabnscut aiToss 
his forehead — with his logs tie<l over his hcail, and his anns tied 
between his legs — my unliap[)y, my attached friend — Mortimer 
Macgillicuddy ! 

He had been in this position for about three hours — it was the 
very position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be 
placed — an attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders 
escape impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner. 



172 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

I reBtored the lieutenant to his natural erect podtion ; I pound 
half a bottle of whisky down the immensely enlai^ged orifice of hk 
mouth; and when he had been released, he infonned me of the 
drcumstanoes that had taken place. 

Fool that I was ! idiot ! — upon my return to the fort, to hare 
been anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent 
a couple of hours in removing the artificial blackening fit>m my 
beard and complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner— 
when his escape would have been prevented. foppery, foppery ! 
— it was that cursed love of personal appearance which had led me 
to forget my duty to my general, my country, my monarch, and my 
own honour ! 

Thus it was that the escape took place : — My own fellow of the 
Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the 
operation to my satisfiiction, invested me with the el^^nt uniform 
of my corps, and removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken 
firom the back of the prostrate Bobbachy Bahawdcr. What did the 
rogue do next ? — Why, he carried back the dress to the Bobbachy — 
he put it, once more, on its right owner ; he and his infernal black 
companions (who hail been won over by the Bobbachy with promises 
of enormous reward) gagged Macgillicuddy, who was going the 
rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to the outer 
gate and gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself, who 
had first come in, and was as likely to go out again — (indeed my 
rascaUy valet said that Gahagau Sahib was about to go cut with 
him and his two companions to reconnoitre) — opened the gates, and 
off they went ! 

This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered I — 
and for the scouwlrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JMt been the 
rounds ; — he hady poor fellow, and hail been seized and bound in 
this cniel way. The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had 
just been on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them : 
I had changed the guard at the gate (whom they had won over like- 
wise); and yet, although they hail overcome poor Mac, and although 
they were ready for the start, they had positively no means for 
effecting their escape, until I was ass enough to put means in their 
way Fool ! fool ! thrice-besotted fool that I was, to think of my 
own silly person when I should have been occupied solely with my 
public duty. 

From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping 
firom the effects of the gag and the whisky he had taken to revive 
him, and fix^m my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad 
story. A sudden and painfiU thouglit stnick me — my precious 
box ! — I rushed back — I found that box — I have it stilL Opening 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 173 

it, there, where I had left ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeka 
and rupees, strings of diamonds as big as ducks' eggs, rubies as red 
as the lips of my Belinda, countless strings of pearls, amethysts, 
emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes — I found — a piece of paper I 
with a few lines in the Sanscrit language, which are thus, word for 
word, translated : — 

" EPIGRAM. 

"(On diMppdntinff a certain M<nfor,) 

** Tho oonquerin^ lion retum*d with hia prey. 

And Mife in bis oarem he set it ; 
Tho sly little fox stole the booty away, 
And, as he escaped, to tho lion did say, 

' Aha ! don't you wish you may got it ? * *' 

Confusion ! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting 
lines. I stamped, — I swore, — I don't know to what insane lengths 
my rage might have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier 
rushed in, screaming, " The enemy, the enemy ! '* 



CHAPTER VIII 

THE CAPTIVE 

IT was high time, indeed, that I should make my appeannoe. 
Waving my Bwoid with one hand and seizing my telescope with 
the other, I at once frightened and examined the enemy. Well 
they knew when they saw that flamingo-plume floating ia the breese 
— ^that awful figure standing in the breach — that waving war-sword 
sparkling in the sky — well, I say, they knew the name of the 
humble individual who owned the sword, the pliune, and the figure. 
The ruffians were mustered in fix>nt, the cavalry behind. The flags 
were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos, and other 
instruments of Eastern music, raised in the air a strange barbaric 
melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries, 
were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts 
the orders of Holkar. 

You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it 
does on a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the 
Burrumpooter river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a 
thousand yanls vade^ so that I had no fear about them attacking 
me in that quarter. My guns, therefore (with their six-and-thirty 
miserable charges of shot), were dragged round to the point at which 
I conceived Holkar would be most likely to attack me. I was in a 
situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times as I could 
kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a cannon ; so the attack- 
ing party marched and marched, very strongly, about a mile and a 
half off, the elephants marching without receiving the slightest 
damage horn us, until they had come to within four hundred yards 
of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness, through 
the betrayal of the dastardly Ghonimsaug, or they never would have 
ventured so near). At that distance — it was about the spot where 
the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise — the invading force 
stopped ; the elephants drew up in a line, at right angles with our 
wall (the fools ! they thought they should expose themselves too 
much by taking a position parallel to it) ; the cavalry halted too, 
and — after the deuce's own flourish of trumpets and banging of 
gongs, to be sure, — somebody, in a flame-coloured satin dress, with 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 



»75 



an immenBe jewel blazing in his pugree (that looked through my 
telescope like a snudl but very bright planet), got up from the back 
of one of the very biggest elephants, and began a speech. 

The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable 
precision, about three hundred of them. The following little diagram 
wiU explain matters : — 



£ is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in 
the fort Now the reader will see what I did. 

The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro 
gracefully before them ; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, 
brought the gun G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear u|)on them. 
I pointed it myself; bang ! it went, and what was the consequence? 
Why, this :— 



G 
F 



F is the fort, as before. G is tlie gun, as before. £, the elephants, 
as we have previously seen them. What then is x ? x is the 
line taken by the ball fired from G, which took off one hundred 
and thirty-four elephants* trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk 
of a very old animal, that stood the hundnnl and thirty-fifth ! 

I say that such a shot was never fired before or since : that a 
gnn was never pomted in such a way. SupfNim) I liad Ix'on a 
common man, and contented myself with firing bang at the liead 
of the first animal? An ass v/ould have done it, pride<l himself 
had he hit his mark, and what would have been the consequence T 
Why, that the ball might have killed two elephants and wounded 
a third ; but here, probably, it would have stop|)e<I, and done no 
further mischief. The trunk was the place at which to aim ; there 
are no bones there ; and away, consequently, went the bullet, shear* 



176 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OP 

ing, fiB I have said, through one hundred and thirty-fiTe probofloai 
Heavens I what a howl there was when the shot took effect ! What 
a sudden stoppage of Holkar's speech ! What a hideous anortiiig of 
elephants ! What a rush backwards was made by the whole anny, 
as if some demon was pursuing them ! 

Away they went No sooner did I see them in full leferest^ 
than, rushing forward myself, I shouted to my men, '* My fiienda^ 
yonder lies your dinner ! " Wc flung open the gates — we tore down 
to the spot where the elephants had fallen : seven of them were 
killed ; and of tliose that escaped to die of their hideous wounds 
elsewhere, most had left their trunks behind them. A great 
quantity of them we seized; and I myself, cutting up with my 
scimitar a couple of the fiillen animals, as a butcher would a cal( 
motioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort, where 
barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of the 
miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had 
promised to my female friends in my speech to them. The animal 
reserved for the ladies was a young white one — the fiittest and 
tendercst I ever ate in my life : they are very fidr eating, but the 
flesh has an India-rubber flavour, which, until one is accustomed to 
it; is un])alatable. 

It was well that I liad obtained this supply, for, during my 
absence on the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others 
had forced their way into the 8upi)er-room, and devoured every 
morsel of the garrison larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the 
olives, and the wine, which were locked up in my own apartment, 
before which stood a sentinel. Disgusting Mrs. Van. I When I 
heard of her gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat her. However, 
we made a very comfortable dinner off the liarbacued steaks, and 
when everybody liad done, hml the comfort of knowing that there 
was enough for one meal more. 

The next day, its I expected, the enemy attacked us in great 
force, attempting to escalade the fort ; but by the help of my guns, 
and my good sworrl, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant 
Macgillicuddy and the rest of the garrison, we lx»at this attack off 
completely, the enemy sustaining a loss of seven hundrwl men. We 
were victorious : but when another attack was made, what were we 
to do ? We had still a little powder left, but had fired off" all the 
shot, stones, iron bars, &c., in the garrison ! On this day, too, we 
devoured the last morsel of our food : I shall never forget Mrs. 
Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I saw her sitting alone, 
attempting to make some impression on the little white elephant's 
roasted tail. 

The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 177 

are never at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition ; to-day 1 
iliscovered charges sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which 
were much longer, but had bores of about blunderbuss size. 

This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the 
reader may remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the 
attack. The poor wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an 
open palanquin, and came on waving his sword, and ciuving horribly 
in his Hindustan jargon. Behind him came troops of matchlock- 
men, who picked off every one of our men who showed their 
noses above the ramparts ; and a great host of blackamoors with 
scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions, culverins, 
demihmcs, counterscarps, and all the other appiutenances of offen- 
sive war. 

On they came ; my guns and men were ready for them. You 
will ask how my pieces were loaded ] I answer, that though my 
garrison were without food, I knew my duty as an officer, and had 
jmt the ttao Dutch cheeses into the two guns, and had crammed the 
contents of a bottle of olives into each stvivel. 

They advance<l, — whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses, — bang! 
went the other. Alas ! they did little execution. In their first con- 
tact with an opposing body, they certainly floored it ; but they 
became at once like so nuich Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution 
beyond the man whom they struck down. 

" Hogrce, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty- 
nine Imaums !) " shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he 
saw the failure of my shot. " Onwonl, sons of the Prophet ! the 
infidel has no more ammunition. A hundred thousand lakhs of 
rupees to the man who brings me Gahngan's head ! " 

His men set up a shout, and niFhed for^'anl — he, to do him 
justice, was at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, 
and poking them with the tip of his Fcimitar. They came panting 
up the hill : I was black with rage, but it was the cold concentrated 
rage of despair. '* Macgilliciiddy," said I, calling that faithful officer, 
"you know where the barrels of powder are?" He did. "You 
know the use to make of thorn 7 " He did. He grasped my hand. 
" Goliah," said he, " farewell I I Hwear that the fort shall be in 
atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carrie<l it. Oh, my poor 
mother ! " added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet fearlcFs, he retired 
to his post. 

I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and 
then, stepping into the front, took dov^n one of the swivels; — a 
show^er of matchlock balls came whizzing round my head. I did 
not heed them. 

I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his 



178 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

palanquin, and his men, were now not above two hundred yards from 
the fort Loll was straight before me, gesticulating and shoutiQg to 
his men. I fired — bang ! ! ! 

I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen hesi Spamiak 
olives were lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loli 
Mahommed. The wretch, uttering a yell the most hideouB and 
unearthly I ever heard, fell back dead ; the frightened bearers ftang 
down the palanquin and ran — the whole host ran as one man : their 
screams might be heard for leagues. '^Tomasha, tomasha^" they 
cried, 'Mt is enchantment!" Away they fled, and the yictoiy s 
third time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back to my 
Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty-foiu- hours, but I fofrgot 
hunger in the thought of once more beholding her ! 

The sweet soul tiuned towards me with a sickly smile as I 
entered, and almost fainted in my arms ; but alas ! it was not lore 
which caused in her bosom an emotion so strong — it was hunger ! 
" Oh ! my Goliah," whispered she, " for three days I have not tasted 
food — I could not eat that horrid elephant yesterday; but now— oh! 

Heaven ! " She could say no more, but sank almost lifeless on 

my shoulder. I administered to her a trifling dram of rum, which 
revived her for a moment, and then rushed downstairs, determined 
that if it were a piece of my own leg, she should still have something 
to Eatisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered that three or four 
elephants were still lying in the field, having been killed by us in 
the first action two days before. Necessity, thought I, has no law ; 
my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get something 
better. 

I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part, 
assembled. " Men," said I, " our larder is empty ; we must fill it 
as we did the day before yesterday. Who will follow Gagahan on 
a foraging party ? " I expected that, as on former occasions, every 
man would oft'er to accompany me. 

To my astonishment, not a soul moved — a murmur arose among 
the troops ; and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward. 

" Captain,'* he said, " it is of no use ; we oiniiot feed upon 
elephants for ever ; we have not a grain of powder left, and must 
give up the fort when the attack is made to-morrow. We may as 
well be prisoners now as then, and we won't go elephant-hunting 
any more." 

" Ruffian ! " I said, " he who first talks of surrender, dies ! " and 
I cut him down. " Is there any one else who Irishes to speak ? " 

No one stirred. 

" Cowanls ! miserable cowards ! " shouted I ; " what, you dare 
not move for fear of death at the hands of those wretches who even 



k . 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 179 

now fled before your anna — what, do I say your arms? — before 
mine ! — alone I did it ; and as alone I routed the foe, alone I will 
victual the fortress ! Ho ! open the gate ! " 

I rushed out; not a single roan would follow. The bodies of 
the elephants that we had kiUed still lay on the ground where they 
had fallen, about four hundred yards from the fort. I descended 
calmly the hill, a very steep one, and coming to the spot, took my 
pick of the animals, choosing a tolerably small and plump one, of 
about thirteen feet high, which the vidtures had respected. I 
threw this animal over my shoulders, and made for the fort. 

As I roarched up the acclivity, whizz — piff — wliirr ! came the 
bolls over my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on 
the body of the elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were 
behind me ; I knew it, and quickened my pace. I heard the gallop 
of their horse : they came nearer, nearer ; I was within a hundred 
yards of the fort — seventy — fifty! I strained every nerve; I panted 
with the superhuman exertion — I ran — could a man run very fast 
with such a tremendous weight on his shoulders ? 

Up came the enemy ; fifty horsemen were shouting and scream- 
ing at my tail. Heaven ! five yards more — one moment — and I 
am saved. It is done — I strain the last strain — I make the last 
step — I fling forward my precious burden into the gate opened wide 
to receive me and it, and — I &11 ! The gate thunders to, and I am 
left on the ouUide ! Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot 
eyes — fifty black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims, 
*' Stop ! — kill him not, it is Gigputi ! " A film came over my eyes 
— exhausted nature would bear no more. 



CHAPTER IX 

SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR 

WHEN I awoke from the trance into which I had fidlen, I 
found myself in a bath, surrounded by innumerable blaek 
faces, and a Hindoo pothukoor (whence our word apothe- 
cary) feeling my pulse and looking at me with an air of sagaci^. 

*' Where am I ? " I exckimed, looking round and eTamining the 
strange faces, and the strange apartment which met my view. 
" Bekhusm ! '' said the apothecary. '* Silence ! Grahagan Sahib is in 
the hands of those who know his valour, and will save his life." 

" Know my valour, slave ? Of course you do," said I ; " but 
the fort — the garrison — the elephant — Belinda, my love — my dariing 
— Macgillicuddy — the scoundrelly mutineers — the deal bo— — " 

I could say no more ; the painful recollections pressed so heavily 
upon my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. 
I fiunted again, and I know not how long I lay insensible. 

Again, I^^wever, I came to my senses : the ]K)thukoor implied 
restoratives, and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much 
refi^shel. I had no wound ; my rejioated swcwns ha<l been brought 
on (as indt^od well they might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying 
the elephant up a steep hill a quarter of a mile in length. Walk- 
ing, the ta^k is bad enough : but nuining, it is the deuce ; and I 
would recommend any of my readers wlio may be disposed to try 
and carry a dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace of 
more than five miles an hour. 

Scarcely was I awake, when I heanl tlie clash of arms at my 
door (plainly indicating that sentinels were iK>sted there), and a 
single old gentleman, richly habited, entered tlie room. Did my 
eyes deceive me ? I had surely seen him before. No — yes — no — 
yes — it was he : the snowy wliite l)ear<l, the mild eyes, the nose 
flattened to a jelly, and level with the rest of the venerable fiace, 
proclaimed him at once to be — Saadut Aloe Beg Bimbukchee, 
Holkar's Prime Vizier; whose nose, as the ri'ader may recollect, 
his Highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my interview 
with him in the Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too 
well — I was in the hands of Holkar. 



MAJOR GAHAGAN i8i 

Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and 
with a mild air of benevolence which distinguished that excellent 
man (he was torn to pieces by wild horses the year after, on accomit 
of a difference with Holkar), he came to my bedside, and, taking 
gently my hand, said, "Life and death, my son, are not ours. 
Strength is deceitfid, valour is unavailing, fame is only wind — the 
nightingale sings of the rose all night — where is the rose in the 
morning ? Booch, booch ! it is withered by the frost. The rose 
makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is that de- 
lightful song-bird? Pena-beklioda, he is netted, plucked, spitted, 
and roasted ! Who knows how misfortune comes ? It has come 
to Grahagan Gi^jputi ! " 

"It is well,'' said I stoutly, and in the Malay language. 
" Gahagan Gi^puti will bear it like a man." 

" No doubt — like a wise man and a brave one ; but there is no 
lane so long to which there is not a turning, no night so black to 
which there comes not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry 
springtime — grief is often succeeded by joy." 

" Interpret, riddler ! " said I ; '* Grahagan Khan is no reader 
of puzzles — no prating mollah. Gi^puti loves not words, but 
swords." 

" Listen then, Gtgputi : you are in Holkar's power." 

" I know it." 

" You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning." 

" I dare say." 

"They will tear your teeth ftx)m yoiu- jaws, your nails from 
your fingers, and your eyes from your head." 
Very possibly." 

They will flay you alive, and then bum yoiu" 
Well ; they can't do any more." 

They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort " — 
it was not then taken ! — "and repeat uiwn them the same tortures." 

" Ha ! Belinda ! S{)eak — how can all this he avoided 1 " 
Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda." 
He does. Vizier, to distraction." 

" Of what rank is he in the Koom|)ani h army ] " 

" A captain." 

" A miserable ca^itain — oh, shame I Of what creeil is he ? " 

" I am an Irishman, and a Catholic." 

"But he has not been verv fMirticular about his religious 
duties?" 

"Alas, no!" 

" He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years t " 

" Tia too true." 



(I 






i82 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

" Hearken now, Grahagan Khan. His Highness Prince HoUcar 
has sent me to thee. You shall have the moon-&ce for your wile 
— your second wife, that is ; — the first shall be the incomparable 
Putee Rooge, who loves you to madness ; — with Puttee Rooge, wlio 
is the wife, you shall have the wealth and rank of Bobbedij 
Bahawder, of whom his Highness intends to get rid. Yoa shaH 
be second in command of his Highnesses forces. Look, here is his 
commission signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the sacred 
names of the forty-nine Imaiuns. You have but to renounce your 
religion and your service, and all these rewards are yours." 

He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to 
me (it was beautifully written in Indian ink : I had it for fourteen 
years, but a rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, washed it, forsooth, 
and washed off every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and 
said, '* This is a tempting offer. Vizier, how long wilt thou give 
me to consider of it ] " 

After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promiaed 
to give him an answer. My mind, however, was made up— as soon 
as he was gone, I threw myself on the sofii and fell asleep. 



At the end of the six hours the Vizier came bock : two people 
were with him ; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Hollar, 
the other I did not recognise. It was about midnight. 

" Have you considered ] " said the Vizier, as he came to my 
couch. 

" I have," said I, sitting up, — I could not stand, for my l^gs 
were tied, and my anns fL\e<l in a neat pair of steel handcufis. " I 
have," said I, " unbelieving dogs ! I liave. Do you think to pervert 
a Christian gentleman fh^ni liis faith and honour? Ruffian blackar 
moors ! do your worst ; lieap tortures on this body, they cannot last 
long. Tear me to pieces : after you liave torn me into a certain 
number of pieces, I shall not feel it ; and if I did, if each torture 
could last a life, if each limb were to feel the agonies of a whole 
body, what then] I would bear all — all— all— all — all — all!" 
My breast heaved — my form dilated — my eye fljished as I spoke 
these words. " T>Tant8 ! " said I, " dulce et dei'onun est pro patrii 
mori." Ha%'ing thus clinched the argument, I was silent. 

The venerable Grand Vizier turned away ; I saw a tear trickling 
down his cheeks. 

" What a constancy ! " said he. " Oh, that such beauty and 
such bravery should be doomed so soon to quit the earth ! " 

His tall companion only sneered and said, " And Belinda ?" 

" Ha ! " said I, " ruffian, be still !— Heaven will protect her 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 183 

spotless innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thon knowest me 
too ! Who, with his single sword, destroyed thy armies 1 Who, 
with his pistol, cleft in twain thy nose-ring] Who slew thy 
generals ? Who slew thy elephants ? Three hundred mighty beasts 
went forth to battle : of these / slew one hundred and thirty-five ! 
Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever ! Grahagan hates thee, 
spurns thee, spits on thee ! " 

Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a 
scream of rage, and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me 
at once (it was the very thing I wished for), when the third person 
sprang forward and, seizing his arm, cried — 

" Papa ! oh, save him ! " It was Puttee Rooge ! " Remember," 
continued she, "his misfortunes — remember, oh, remember my — 
love ! " — ^and here she blushed, and putting one finger into her 
mouth, and hanging down her head, looked the very picture of 
modest affection. 

Holkar sidkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, " Tis better 
as it is ; had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. Nono 
of this shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge,'' continued the tyrant, 
dragging her away. "Captain Gahogan dies three hours from 
hence." Puttee Rooge gave one scream and fiunted — her father 
and the Vizier carried her off between them ; nor was I loth to part 
with lier, for, witli all her love, she was was as ugly as the deuce. 

They were gone — my fate was decideil. I hail but three hours 
more of life : so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly 
asleep. As it may happen to any of my readers to be in the same 
situation, and to be hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat 
them to adopt this plan of going to sleep, which I for my part have 
repeatedly found to be successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, 
it passes away a great deal of unpleasant time, and it prepares one 
to meet like a man the coming catastro])he. 



Three o'clock came : the sun was at this time making his appear- 
ance in the heavens, and with it came the guanls, who were ap- 
pointed to conduct me to the torture. I woke, rose, was carried 
out, and was set on the very white donkey on which Loll Mahom- 
med was conducted through the camp after he was bastinadoed. 
Bobbachy Bahawder nxle behind me, restored to liis rank and state; 
troops of cavalry hemme<l us in on idl sides ; my ass was conducted 
by the common executioner: a crier went forwanl, shouting out, 
" Make way for the destroyer of tlie faithful — he goes to bear the 
punishment of his crimes." We came to the &tal plain : it was the 
Tery spot whence I had borne away the elephant, and in full sight 



184 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 

of the fort I looked towards it. Tlumk Heaven ! King Geoige's 
banner waved on it still — a crowd were gathered on the walla — the 
men, the dastards who had deserted me — and women, toa Anumg 
the latter I thought I distinguished one who— gods ! the tluNigfat 
turned me sick — I trembled and looked pale for the first time. 

" He trembles ! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, 
ferociously exulting over his conquered enemy. 

'^ Dog ! " shouted I — (I was sitting with my head to the donkey's 
tail, and so looked the Bobbachy full in the fkce) — " not so pale as 
you looked when I felled you with this arm — not so pale as your 
women looked when I entered your harem ! " Completely chop- 
fisdlen, the Indian ruffian was silent : at any rate, I had done for kiwt. 

We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet 
thick and eight high, was driven in the grass : round the stake, about 
seven feet from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached 
two fetters ; in these my wrists were placetL Two or three execu- 
tioners stood near, with strange-looking instruments : others were 
blowing at a fire, over which was a caldron, and in the embers 
stuck prongs and other instniments of iron. 

The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the 
in effect as that which liad been hinted to me the day previous by 
the Grand Vizier. I confess I was too agitated to catch every wind 
that was spoken. 

Holkar himself, on a tall dromcdarv, was at a little distance. 
The Grand Vizier came up to me — it was his duty to stand by, and 
see the punishment performed. ** It is yet time ! " said he. 

I nodded my head, but did not answer. 

The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, 
and with a voice choking with emotion, said, ^^Executioner — do 
— your — dut}f ! " 

The horrid man advanced — he whispered sulkily in the ears of 
the Grand Vizier, " Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree,'' said he, **fA« 
oil does not boil yet — wait one minute." The assistants blew, the 
fire blazed, the oil was heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside : 
taking a large ladle full of the boiling liquid, he advanced 



" Wliish ! bang, bang ! pop ! " the executioner was dead at my 
feet, shot through the head ; the ladle of scahling oil had been dashed 
in the face of the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howl- 
ing. " Wliish ! bang ! i>op ! Hurrali ! — charge 1 — forwards I — cut 
them down ! — no quarter ! '' 

I saw — yes, no, yes, no, yes ! — I saw regiment upon regiment of 



MAJOR GAHAGAN 185 

galloping British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying natives. 
First of the host, I recognised, Heaven ! my Ahmednugoab 
Irregulars ! On came the gallant line of black steeds and horse- 
men ; swift, swift before them rode my officers in yellow — Glogger, 
Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres gleamed in the sun, their 

voices rung in the air. " D them ! " they cried, " give it them, 

boys ! " A strength supernatural thrilled througli my veins at that 
delicious music : by one tremendous effort, I wrested the post from 
its foundation, five feet in the ground. I coidd not release my 
hands from the fetters, it is true ; but, grasping the beam tightly, 
I sprung forward — with one blow I levelled the five executioners in 
the midst of the fire, their &11 upsetting the scalding oil-can ; with 
the next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off their legs ; 
with the third, I caught that chief himself in the smaU of the back, 
and sent him flying on to the sabres of my advancing soldiers ! 

The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappen- 
dick leading on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase 
had swept fiir away. We were alone : I was freed from my immense 
bar ; and ten minutes afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with 
his staff", he found me sitting on it. 

*' Look at Gahagan," said his Lordship. " Gentlemen, did I 
not tell you we should be sure to find him at his jx)st ? ** 

The gallant old nobleman rode on : and this was the famous 

BATTLE OF FURRUCKABAD, or SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, foUght OU 

the 17th of November 1804. 



About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared 
in the Boggle}fwollah Ilurkaru and other Indian papers : — 

" Married, on the 25th of December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. 
Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O'Grady Gahagan, Commanding Irregular 
Horse, Ahmednuggar, to Belinda, second daughter of Major-Gencral 
Bulcher, C.B. His Excellency the Commander-in-Cliief gave away 
the bride ; and after a splendid d/Jeuner, the happy pair set off" to 
pass the Mango season at Hurr>'giirr>'l)ang. Venus nuist recollect, 
however, that Mars must not altcays be at her side. The Irregidars 
are nothing without their leader." 

Such was the paragraph — such the event — the happiest in the 
existence of 

G. OU G., M.H.E.LC.S., C.LH.A 



t »v' 



COX'S DIARY 



COX'S DIARY 



JANUARY— THE ANNOUNCEMENT 

ON the Ist of January 1838, I was the master of a lovely 
shop in the neighbourhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, 
Mrs. Cox ; of a business, both in the shaving and cutting 
line, established three-and-thirty years ; of a girl and boy respectively 
of the ages of eighteen and thirteen ; of a three-windowed front, 
both to my first and second pair ; of a young foreman, my present 
partner, Mr. Orlando Cnimp; and of that celebrated mixture for 
the human hair, invented by my late imcle, and called C!ox'b 
Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-thrce and three- 
and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established cutting 
and shaving business brought mo in a pretty genteel income. I had 
my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school ; my dear boy, Tugge- 
ridgc, plaited hair beautifully ; my wife at the counter (behind the 
tray of patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible ; and 
it was my hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft 
upon one another, would one day be joineil together in Hyming, 
and, coigointly with my son Tug, carr>' on the business of hair- 
dressers when their father was eitlicr dead or a gentleman : for 
a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should be. 

Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connec- 
tions : though her own fiunily had met with crosses and was rather 
low. Mr. Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near 
the " Pigtail and Sparrow," in the Wliitccliapel Road ; from which 
place I married her; being myself ver>' fond of the article, and 
especially when she served it to mc — the dear thing ! 

Jemima's father was not successful in business : and I married 
her, I am proud to confess it, without a shilling. I liad my hands, 
my house, and my Bohemian balsam to supfiort her ! — and we had 
hopes fVom her uncle, a mighty rich East India merchant, who, 
having left this country sixty years a;(o as a cabin-boy, had arrived 
to be the head of a great house in India, and was worth millions, 
ve were told 



I90 COX'S DIARY 

Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death 
of my lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house 
of Budgurow & Co.) retired from the management of it; handed 
over his shares to his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live 
in England, at Portland Place and Tuggeridgcville, Suney, and 
eiyoy himsel£ Soon after, my ^ife took her daughter in her hand 
and went, as in duty bound, to visit her uncle: but whether it 
was that he was proud and surly, or she somewhat shup in her 
way (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you to know)^ a 
desperate quarrel took place between them ; and from that day to 
the day of his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would 
condescend to do, was to take a few dozen of lavender-water fixHn 
us in the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cat and 
shaved by us. All the neighbours laughed at this poor ending ol 
our expectations, for Jemmy had bragged not a little ; however we 
did not care, for the connection was always a good one, and we 
served Mr. Hock, the valet; Mr. Bar, the coachman; and Mn. 
Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly enough. I used to powder 
the footman, too, on great days, but never in my life saw old 
Tuggeridge, except once : when he said, " Oh, the barber ! " tossed 
up his nose, and passed on. 

One day — one famous day last January — all our Market was 
thrown into a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less 
than three vehicles at our establishment. Ais me, Jenuny, my 
daughter, Tug, and Orlando were sitting in the back-parlour over 
our dinner (it being Christmjis-time, Mr. Crump had treated the 
ladies to a bottle of port, and was longing that there should be a 
mistletoe-bough : at which proposal my little Jemimarann looked as 
red as a glass of negus) : — we had just, I say, finished the port^ 
when, all of a sudden. Tug bellows out, "La, pa, here's Uncle 
Tuggeridge's housekeei)er in a cab ! " 

And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough — Mrs. Breadbasket 
in deep mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very 
sad, into the back shop. My wife, who respectal Mrs. B. more 
than anything else in the world, set her a chair, offered her a glass 
of wine, and vowed it was verj' kind of her to come. " La, mem," 
says Mr. B., " I'm sxire I'd do anything to serve your family, for 
the sake of that poor dear Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone." 

" That's what ? " cries my vdfe, 

" What, gone ? " cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little 
girls will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very 
rueful, and ready to cry too. 

"Yes, gaw " Just as she was at this very "gaw," Tug 

roars out, " La, pa ! here's Mr. Bar, Uncle Tug's coachman ! " 



THE ANNOUNCEMENT 191 

It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped 
suddenly back into the parlpur with my ladies. "What is it, 
Mr. Bar ? " says I ; and as quick as thought, I had the towel 
under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, and the whole of his face 
in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made some resistance. — 
" Don't think of it, Mr. Cox," says he ; " don*t trouble yourself, 
sir," but I lathered away, and never minded. " And what's this 
melancholy event, sir," says I, '* that has spread desolation in your 
familv's bosoms ] I can feel for your loss, sir — I can feel for your 
loss."* 

I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not 
because Tuggeridge was my uncle — no, as such I disown him. 

Mr. Bar was just about to speak. " Yes, sir," says he, " my 

master's gaw " when at the "gaw," in walks Mr. Hock, the 

own man ! — the finest gentleman I ever saw. 

** Wliat, you here, Mr. Bar ! " says h^. 

" Yes, I am, sir ; and haven't I a right, sir ? " 

"A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock — stepping up 
and making my bow. '^ A sad circumstance too, sir ! And is it 
a turn of the tongs that you want to-day, sir] Ho, there, Mr. 
Crump ! " 

" Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making 
a bow ; " but from you, sir, never— no, never, split me ! — and I 
wonder how some fellows can have the insolence to allow their 
MASTERS to shave them ! " With this Mr. Hock flung himself 
down to be curleil : Mr. Bar suddenly opened his mouth in onler 
to reply ; but seeing there was a tiff between the gentlemen, and 
wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser into Mr. 
Hock's hantls, and just popfiod my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's 
mouth — a capital way to stop angry answers. 

Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whirr 
comes a hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman 
in a black coat with a bag. 

" Wliat, you here I " says the gentleman. I coidd not help 
smiling, for it seemed that everybo<ly was to begin by savin;;;, 
" What, f/ou here ! " " Your name is Cox, sir ? " says he, smiling, 
too, as the very pattern of mine. " My name, sir, is Shar{)us, — 
Blunt, Hone, and Shar{>us, Middle Temple Lune, — and I am proud 
to salute you, sir; happy, — that is to say, sorry to say, that Mr. 
Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dea<l, and your laily is heiress, in 
consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the kingdom." 

At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for 
my hold of Mr. Bar's nose ; Orlando seemed putrifie<l to stone, with 
hii irons fixed to Mr Hock's head ; our respective patients gave a 



192 



COX'S DIARY 



wince out : — Mn. C, Jemimaiaim, and Tug irushed finm the back 
shop, and we foimed a splendid tal^ieau such as the great Cndk- 
shank might have depicted. 

" And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir ? " says L 

" Why — hee, hee, hee ! " says Mr. Sharpus. " Surely you know 
that he was only the — hee, hee, hee ! — the natural son ! " 

You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place 
had been so eager to come to us. One of the housemaids heard Mr. 
Sharpus say there was no will, and that my wife was heir to the 
property, and not Mr. John Tuggeridge : this she told in the house- 
keeper's room ; and ofif^ as soon as they heard it, the whde par^ 
set, in order to be the first to bear the news. 

We kept them, every one, in their old places ; for, though my 
wife would have sent them about their business, my dear Jemi- 
marann just hinted, ^' Mamma, you know they have been used to 
great houses, and we have not ; had we not better keep them fat 
a little?" — Keep them, then, we did, to show us how to be 
gentlefolks. 

I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a sin^^ 
&rthing of premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four 
himdred pounds for it ; but this I was above : Crump had served 
me £uthfUlly, and have the shop he should. 



FEBRUARY— FIRST ROUT 

WE were speedily installed in our fine bouse : but wbat's a 
bouse without friends ] Jemmy made me cut all my old 
acquaintances in the Market, and I was a solitary being ; 
wben, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours, Captain Tagrag, was so 
kind as to promise to introduce us into distinguished society. Tagiag 
was the son of a baronet, and had done us the honour of lodging 
with us for two years ; when we lost sight of him, and of his little 
account^ too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing of our good 
fortune, he was among us again, however ; and Jemmy was not a 
little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very 
fond of our Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a 
lion) had on one occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being 
rude to the poor girl : a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that 
he was alwajrs fond of her. 

Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our 
good fortune, though he did all he could to try at first ; ami I told 
him to come and take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. 
But to this Jemima very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to 
know her stature, and to look down on Crump, which she bid her 
daughter to do ; and, after a great scene, in which Orlando showed 
liimself very rude and angry, he ^'as forbidden the house — for ever ! 

So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with 
us. "You see, sir," our Jemmy would say, "we shall have our 
town and country mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand 
pounds in the funds, to leave between our two children ; and, with 
ffuch prospects, they ought surely to have the first society of 
England." To this Tagrag agreed, and pnmiiseil to bring us 
acquainted with the very pink of the fashion ; ay, and what's 
more, did 

First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers 
on Tuesdays and Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the 
Park : me and Jemimarann, with two grooms liehind us, who used 
to laugh all the way, and whose very beanls I had shaved. As 
for little Tug, he was sent straight off to the most fasliionable school 
in tlie kingdom, the Revereml Dr. Pigney's, at Richmond. 
9 N 



194 COX'S DIARY 

Well, the horses, the Buppcrs, the opera-box, the pongraphs in 
the papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way : doable your name 
and stick an " e '* to the end of it, and you are a gentleauin mi 
once), had an effect in a wonderfully short space of time, and we 
began to get a very pretty society about us. Some of M. Tug's 
friends swore they would do anything for the £inuly, and brought 
their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs. Coxe and her dianiiiiiig 
girl ; and when, about the first week in February, we announoed a 
grand dinner and ball for the evening of the twenty-eighth, I assure 
you there was no want of company : no, nor of titles neither ; and 
it always does my heart good even to hear one mentioned. 

Let me see. There was, first, my Lonl Dunboode, an Irish 
peer, and his seven sons, the Honourable Messieurs Tnimper (two 
only to dinner) ; there was Count Mace, the celebrated Frendi 
nobleman, and his Excellency Baron von Punter from Baden ; there 
was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent literati, author of " The 
Distrusted," " The Distorted," " The Disgusted," " The Disreputable 
One," and other poems ; there was the Dowager Lady Max and her 
daughter, the Honourable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charies 
Codshead, from the City ; and Field-Marshal Sir Crorman 0*Gallagher, 
K.A., K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of 
Guatemala; my friend Ta^n*ag and his fashionable acquaintance, 
little Tom Tufthunt, miule up the jKirty. And when the do(HB 
were flung open, and Mr. H(>ck, in black, with a white napkin, three 
footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs. C. had dressed in sugar- 
loaf buttons and calle<l a page, were seen round the dinner-table, all 
in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of elation, and thought 
to myself — Sam Cox, Sara Cox, who ever would have expected to 
see vou here? 

After <linner, there was to be, as I said, an evening party ; and 
to this Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the 
priucii>al nobility that our metropolis had produced. When I 
mention, among the company to tea, her Grace the Duchess of 
Zero, her son the Maniuis of Fitzurse, ami the Ladies North Pole 
her diiughters ; wlien I sjiy that there were yet others, whose names 
may be found in the Blue Book, and shan't, out of modesty, be 
mentione<l here, I think IVe said enough to show that, in our time. 
No. 96 Portland Place was the resort of the best of company. 

It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer 
Cordongblew. I bore it ver>' well ; eating, for my share, a filly 
dysol allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and 
other French dishes : ami, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops 
to the bottles, called champang, I must say that me and Mrs. 
Ccxe-Tuggeridgc Coxe drank a ver}' good share of it (but the claret 



* » • « 



« • * » 



-i 



FIRST ROUT 195 

and Jonnysberger, being sour, we did not much relish). However, 
the feed, as I say, went off very well : Lady Blanche Bluenose 
sitting next to me, and being so good as to put me down for six 
copies of all her poems ; the Coimt and Baron von Punter engaging 
Jemimarann for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my 
dear Jemmy with champang, until, bless her! her dear nose be- 
came as reil as her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue 
turban and binl-of-paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, 
I warrant. 

Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off: — thunder- 
under-under came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, 
Bir. Wippert's fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past 
eleven, me and the gents thought it liigh time to make our apj)ear- 
ance. I felt a little squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of 
hundred great people ; but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O'Gallagher 
taking each an arm, we reache<l, at last, the drawing-room. 

The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and 
the great latlies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, 
and working away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my 
pretty Jemimarann amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round 
the room along with Baron Pimter, in what they call a gallypard ; 
then I peeped into the circle of the Duchesses, where, in course, 
I expected to find Mrs. C. ; but she wasn't there ! She was seated 
at the further end of the room, looking very sulky ; and I went up 
and took her arm, and brought her down to the place where the 
Duchesses were. " Oh, not there ! " said Jemmy, trying to break 
away. '* Nonsense, my dear,'' says I : *' you are missis, and this is 
your place." Then going up to her Ladyship the Duchess, says 
I, ''Me and my missis are most proud of the honour of seeing 
of you." 

Tlie Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not 
speck. 

I went on : " The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see ; 
and so we thought we would come and sit down among the old 
ones. You and I, ma'am, I think, are too stiff to dance." 

" Sir ! " says her Grace. 

"Bia'am," says I, "don't you know me] My name's Coxe. 
Nobody's introduced me ; but dash it, it's my own house, and I 
may present myself — so give us your hand, ma'am." 

And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world : but — would 
you believe it t — the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot 
'Uter. "Fitzursel Fitzurse!" shouted she, "help! help!" Up 
scufSed all the other Dowagers— in rushed the dancers. "Mamma ! 
nuunmal'' ■qneaked Lady Julia North Pole. "Lead me to my 



196 COX'S DIARY 

mother," howled Lady Aurorer : and both came up and floQ^ 
selves into her arms. "Wawt's the rawt" said Lacd FitmiK^ 
sauntering up quite stately. 

''Protect me from the insults of this man," nys 
"Where's Tufthunt? he promised that not a socd in 
should speak to me." 

" My dear Duchess," said Tufthunt, r&j meek. 

" Don't Duchess mey sir. Did you not promise they aiwrMM aoi 
speak, and hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embnea Hie I 
Didn't his monstrous wife sicken me with her odious fiuolBnftiaif 
Call my people, Tufthunt ! Follow me, my children ! " 

** And my carriage ! " " And mine ! " " And mine ! " ahooted 
twenty more voices. And down they all trooped to the hall : Tmdj 
Blanche Bluenose and Lady Max among the very first ; leaving oa)y 
the Field-Marshal and one or two men, who roared with langlita' 
ready to split. 

'* Oh, Sam," said my wife, sobbing, " why would you take me 
back to them t they had sent me away before ! I only asked iiie 
Duchess whether she didn't like nim-«hrub better than aU your 
Maxarinos and Curasosos: and — would you believe itf — all iiie 
company burst out laughing ; and the Duchess told me just to keep 
off, and not to speak till I was spoken to. Imperence ! Fd like to 
tear her eyes out." 

And 80 I do believe my dearest Jemmy would ! 



MARCH— A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS 

OUR ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent 
still upon fiishion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, 
and went down to TuggeridgeviUe. If we had a difficulty 
to find friends in town, here there was none : for the whole county 
came about us, ate our dinners and suppers, danced at our balls — 
ay, and spoke to us too. We were great people in fact : I a regular 
country gentleman ; and as such Jemmy insisted that I should be a 
sportsman, and join the county hunt. *^ But^" says I, *' my love, I 
can't ride." " Pooh ! Mr. C," said she, " you're always making 
difficulties : you thought you couldn't dance a quadrille ; you thought 
you couldn't dine at seven o'clock ; you thought you couldn't lie in 
bed after six ; and haven't you done every one of these things 1 
You must and you shall ride ! " And when my Jemmy said ** must 
and shall," I knew very well there was nothing for it : so I sent 
down fifty guineas to the hunt, and, out of compliment to me, the 
very next week, I received notice that the meet of the hounds would 
take place at Squashtail Common, just outside my lodge-gates. 

I didn't know what a meet was ; and me and Mrs. C. agreed 
tliat it was most probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, 
Tagrag explained this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell 
me a horse, a delightful animal of his own ; which, being desperately 
pressed for money, he would let me have for a hundretl guineas, he 
himself having given a hundred and fifty for it 

Well, the Thursday came : the hounds met on Sciuashtail Common ; 
Mrs. C. turned out in her barouche to see us throw off ; and, being 
lielped up on my chestnut horse. Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my 
heail groom, I came presently round to join them. 

Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the 
avenue, " I thought," he said, " you told mc you knew how to ride ; 
and that you had ridden once fifty miles on a stretch ! " 

" Ami so I did," says I, ** to Cambridge, and on the box too." 

"0» the box!** says he ; "but did you ever mount a horse before?" 

" Never," says I, " but I find it mighty easy." 

" Well," says he, " you're mighty bold for a barber ; and I like 
jroQy Goxe, for your spirit." And so we came out of the gate. 



198 COX'S DIARY 

Ab for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't Pve been at 
a hunt, but wliat a hunt is — why the horses ttnll go among tbe 
dogs and ride them down — why the men cry out " yooooic " — ^why 
the dogs go snuffing about in threes and fours, and the huntaimui 
says, ^' Good Towler — good Betsy," and we all of us after him aay, 
" Grood Towler — ^good Betsy " in course : then, after hearing a ydp 
here and a howl there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow ! burst out^ all o(f 
a sudden, from three or four of them, and the chap in a velTet cap 
screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat here), ** Hark, 
to Ringwood ! " and then, " There he goes ! " says some one ; and 
all of a sudden, belter skelter, skurry hiury, slap bang, whoopiiig; 
screeching and hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and greys, 
horses, dogs, donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and Uack- 
guard boys, go tearing all together over the common after two or 
three of the pack that yowl loudest Why all this is, I can't aay ; 
but it all took place the second Thursday of last March in my 
presence. 

Up to this, rd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only 
been trotting gently about the field imtil the dogs found; and I 
managed to stick on very well ; but directly the tow-rowing began, 
off went Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I foimd myself playing 
among the dogs like the donkey among the chickens. " Back, Mr. 
Coxe," holloas the huntsman ; and so I pulled very hard, and cried 
out, " Wo ! " but he wouldn't ; and on I went galloping for the 
dear life. How I kept on is a wonder ; but I squeezed my knees in 
very tight, and shoved my feet very hard into the stirrups, and kept 
stiff hold of the scruff of Trumj>eter's nock, and looked betwixt his 
ears as well as ever I could, and trusted to luck : for I was in a 
mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man would be in such 
a case, let alone a i>oor hairdresser. 

As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell 
you honestly, I never sjiw so much as the tip of one of their tails ; 
nothing in this world did I sec except Tnimpeter's dun-coloured 
mane, and that I grii)ped finn : riding, by the blessing of luck, safe 
through the walking, the trotting, the galloping, and never so much 
as getting a tumble. 

There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the " Spicy 
Dustman," who, when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, 
turned regularly out on his donkey ; and on this occasion made one 
of us. He generally managed to keep up with the dogs by trotting 
quietly through the cross-roads, and knowing the country well. 
Well, having a good guess where the hounds would find, and the 
line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would take, the Spicy 
Dustman turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail to 






« » * 



k « ^ * O K 



: t - e 









*>, 



A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS 199 

Cutshins Common; across which, sure enough, came the whole 
hunt. There's a small hedge and a remarkably line ditch here : 
some of the leading chaps took both, in gallant style ; others went 
round by a gate, and so would I, only I couldn't ; for Trumpeter 
would have the hedge, and be hanged to him, and went right for it. 

Hoop ! if ever you did try a leap ! Out go your legs, out fling 
yoiu- arms, off goes your hat ; and the next thing you feel — that is, 
/ did — is a most tremendous thwack across the chesty and my feet 
jerked out of the stirrups : me left in the branches of a tree ; 
Trumpeter gone clean from under me, and walloping and floundering 
in the ditch underneath. One of the stirrup-leathers had caught 
in a stake, and the horse couldn't get away : and neither of us, 
I thought, ever would have got away : but all of a sudden, who 
shoiUd come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman ! 

" Holloa ! " says I, " you gent, just let us down from this here 
tree!" 

** Lor' ! " says he, " I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin." 

" Let's down," says I ; but he was all the time employed in dis- 
engaging Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and 
as quiet as possible. " Let's down," says I. " Presently," says he ; 
and taking off his coat, he begins whistling and swishing down 
Trumi>eter's sides and saddle ; apd when he ha<l flnishe<l, what do 
you think the rascal did ? — he just quietly mounted on Trumpeter's 
back, antl shouts out, " Git ilown yourself, old Bearsgrease ; you've 
only to drop ! /'// give your 'oss a hairing arter them 'ounds ; and 
you — V)', you may ride back my jiony to Tuggeridgeweal ! " And 
with this, I'm blest if he didn't ride away, leaving me holding, as for 
the dear life, and expecting every minute the branch would break. 

It did break too, and down I came into the slush ; ancl when I 
got out of it, I can tell you I didn't hx)k much like the Venuses or 
the Apoller Belvidearis what I usetl to dress and titivate uj* for my 
shop window when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so 
elegant as our rose-oil. Faugh ; what a figure I was I 

I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which 
was very quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way 
home ; and after a weary, wear>' journey, I arrived at my own gate. 

A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had como 
back ; their Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit ; and 
a number of horses walking up and down before the whole of the 
gentlemen of the hunt, who had come in after Imping their fox ! 
** Here's Squire Coxe ! " shouted the gnx>ms. Out rushed the 
servants, out poured the gents of the hunt, and on trotte<l poor me, 
digging into the donkey, and ever}'body <lying with laughter at me. 

Just as I got up to the door, a horse cmne galloping up, and 



200 COX'S DIARY 

passed me ; a man jumped down, and taking off a fimtail hiit^ cuoe 
up, very gravely, to help me down. 

'* Squire," says he, *' how came you by that there hanimal f Jict 
git down, will you, and give it to its hownerV 

*' Rascal ! " says I, " didn't you riile off on my hone t " 

" Was there ever sich ingratitude t " says the Spicy. " I Ibiiiid 
this year 'oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him 
back to his master, and he calls me a rascal ! " 

The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own 
servants, all set up a roar at this ; and so would I, only I was to 
deucediy ashamed, as not to be able to laugh just then. 

And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagnig and the ml 
declared I showed great pluck, and wanted me to tiy again ; Imt 
« No," says I, " I have been." 



APRIL^THE FINISHING TOUCH 

I WAS always fond of billiards ; and, in former days, at Qrogram's 
in Qreek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used 
to meet twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I 
was generally voted the first man of the club ; and could take five 
from John the marker himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the 
game ; and now that I was placed in that station of life where I 
could cultivate my talents, I gave them full play, and improved 
amazingly. I do say that I think myself as good a hand as any 
chap in England. 

The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can 
tell you, astonished by the smartness of my play ; the first two or 
three rubbers Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, 
I used to knock him all to sticks ; or, at least, win six games to his 
four; and such was the betting upon me, his Excellency losing 
large sums to the Count, who knew what play was, and used to 
back me. I did not play except for shillings, so my skill was of 
no great service to me. 

One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentle- 
men were high in wonls. '' The thing shall not be done,*' I heard 
Captain Tagrag say, " I won't stand it." 

** Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey t " 
said the Baron. 

''You sail not have a single fezare of him, begar," said the 
Count : " ve vill blow you. Monsieur tie Taguerague ; jxirole 
dhonneur^ ve vill." 

*' What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, " about binls and 
feathers \ " 

"Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking about — about —pigeon- 
shooting ; the Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at 
twenty yards, and I said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular 
murder." 

" Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron : " and I 
know no better short. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear 
Squire? De fon is gabidaL" 

" No doubt," says I, " for the shooters, but mighty bad sport 



202 COX'S DIARY 

for the pifftony And this joke set them all arku^un^ T^aAf to 
die. I didn't know then what a good joke it tnu, neithflr; biit I 
gave Master Baron, tliat day, a precious good beating; and walked 
off with no less than fifteen shillings of his money. 

As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not aaj that I 
t4X>k in the Flare-up rej^ularly ; ay, and wrote one or two tiiflei in 
that celebrated publicatiun (one of my papers, which Tagrag tab- 
scribc<l for me, Phi]i>-f)e9titi8eamic\is, on the proper aanoe Ibr teal 
and widj^^n— and the other, signed Scru-tatoe, on the beat meur: 
of cultivating the kidney sfiecics of that vegetable — made no amaD 
noise at the time, and gi»t me in the paper a compliment ftooB the 
editor). I was a constant rea4ler of the Notices to Correspcmdenti, 
and, my early education having been rayther neglected (fiir I was 
taken from my studies and set, as is the custom in oar trader to 
practise on a sheep's head at the tender age of nine yeans belbie I 
was allowed to venture on the humane countenance), — I say, being 
thus curtailetl and cut off in my classical learning, I must oonfen I 
managed to pick up a pri'tty smuttt'ring of genteel information from 
that treasiu*y of all sorts of knowledge : at least sufficient to make 
me a match in learning for all the noblemen ami gentlemen wbo 
came to our house. Well, on looking over the Flart-up Notices to 
Correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the Notioeiy ai 
follows : — 

" * AutomcKlon.' — We do n<it know the pn^cise age of Mr. Baker, 
of Covent Gsmlcn Thoatn' : nor are we aware if that celebrated son 
of Thci^pis is a iiiarritMl iii:m. 

'* * Dm'ks ami (Jrcen-iH'iw ' is informed, that when A plays his 
rook to Bd 8e<'«»nd. Knight's w|iuirc, and B, moving two squares 
witli hift (Queen's i>;iwn, gives clieck to liis adversarj'^s Queen, there 
i«t no roiison why B's Queen should not take A's pai^n, if B be so 
inclim><l. 

*• * F. L. S.* — We have rei>eate<lly answered the question about 
Mailamc Vestris : her maiden name wits Bartolozzi, and she nuurried 
tiie Win of Charles Mathews, the rrlebratetl comeilian. 

" * Fair Play.*- The Wst amateur billianl and ^^rt^ player in 
Eni^'land is Coxe-Tuggi»ridge Coxe, Esti., of Pt>rtland Place, and 
Tui^sroridgeville : Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him 
two in a game of a himdre<l : and, at the canls, no man is his 
8Ui>erior. Verhum m)t. 

Scipio Americanus ' is a blinkhead." 



i( ( 



I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them 
wondered how the E«litor of that tremendous Flare-up should get 



• •• • 

•: : 

•• • • 



• ••* 






•• 



•• • • 

• • •• 



•• •' 



• •••• ••• 

I • • • • • 



t 

>« k 






THE FINISHING TOUCH 203 

such infonnation ; and both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued 
himself absurdly on his play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing 
me preferred thus to himself. We read him the paragraph, and 
preciously angry he was. " Id is," he cried, " the tables " (or " de 
dabelsy^ as he called them), — ''de horrid dables; gom viz me to 
London, and dry a skte-table, and I vill beat you." We all roared at 
this ; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to satisfy the fellow, 
I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or any tables he chose. 

" Gut," says he, " gut ; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de 
Quadrant ; his dabels is goot ; ve Till blay dere, if you vill." And 
I said I would : and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when 
Jemmy was at the Opera, we should go to the Baron's rooms, and 
give him a chance. 

We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I 
saw : lots of champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty 
of laughing and fiin. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. '' Is 
dish Misthcr Coxsh, dc shelebrated player]" says Mr. Abednego, 
who was in the room, with one or two gentlemen of his o^n per- 
suasion, and several foreign noblemen, dirty, snuffy, and hair}', as 
them foreigners are. '' Is dish Misther Coxsh ? blesh my hart ; it 
is a honer to see you ; I have heard so much of your play." 

"Come, come," says I, "sir" — for I'm pretty wide awake — 
" none of your gammon ; you're not going to hook me" 

" No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace. 

" Dat is gut ! — haw ! haw ! " snorted the Baron. " Hook him I 
Lieber Hitnmel, you might dry and hook me as well. Haw I 
Haw ! " 

Well, we went to play. " Five to four on Coxe," screams out 
the Count. — " Done and done," says another nobleman. " Ponays," 
says the Count. — " Done," says the nobleman. " I vill take your 
six crowns to four," says the Baron. — " Done," says I. And, in the 
twinkling of an eye, I beat him ; once making thirteen off the balls 
without stopping. 

We had some more wine after this; and if you could have 
seen the long faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their 
pencils and wrote I.O.U.'s for the Count ! " Va toiyours, iium cher," 
says he to me, " you have von for me three hundred jwundK." 

" I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron. " Zevcn to 
four you must give me though." And so I did ; and in ten minutes 
'that game was won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. " Two 
hundred and sixty more, my dear, dear Coxe," says the Count ; 
"you are man ange gardien!" "Wot a flat Misther Coxsh is^ 
not to back his luck," I heard Abcdnego whisper to one of the 
foreign noblemen. 



204 COX'S DIARY 

''111 take your fleven to four, in tens," said I to the Buool 
''Give me three," says he, ''and done." I gave him three, and 
lost the game by one. "Dobbel, or quits," says he. "Go it>" 
says I, up to my mettle : " Sam Coxe never says no ; " — and to it 
we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to his five. "Holy 
Moshesh ! " says Abednego, " dat little Coxsh is a yonder ! whoU 
take odds 1 " 

" 111 give twenty to one," says I, " in guineas." 

" Ponays ! yase, done," screams out the Count. 

" JBonteSy done," roars out the Baron : and, before I cocdd speak, 
went in, and — ^woidd you believe it ? — in two minutes he B(Hndiow 
made the game ! 

• ••.••* 

Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this 
afterwards ! In vain I swore it was guineas : the Count and the 
Baron swore to ponies; and when I refused, they both said their 
honour was concerned, and they must have my life, or their money. 
So when the Count showed me actually that, in spite of this bet 
(which had been too good to resist) won from me, he had been a 
very heavy loser by the night ; and brought me the word of honour 
of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that 
ponies had been betted; — why, I paid them one thousand pounds 
sterling of good and lawful money. — But IVe not played for money 
since : no, no ; catch me at that again if you can. 



MAY— A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA 

NO lady is a lady without haying a box at the Opera : so my 
Jemmy, who knew as much about music, — ^bless her ! — as I 
do about Sanscrit, algebra, or any other foreign language, 
took a prime box on the second tier. It was what they called a 
double box ; it really could hold two, that is, very comfortably ; 
and we got it a great bai^n — for five hundred a year! Here, 
Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used regularly to take our places, 
Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in front ; me, behind : but as my 
dear wife used to wear a large fantail gauze hat with ostrich 
feathers, birds-of-paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or 
satin, scattered all over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of 
the front of the box; and it was only by jumping and dodging, 
three or four times in the course of the night, that I could manage 
to get a sight of the actors. By kneeling down, and looking steady 
umler my darling Jemmy's sleeve, I did contrive, every now and 
then, to have a i)eep of Senior Lablash's boots, in the '* Puritanny," 
ami once actually saw Madame Greasi's crown and head-dress in 
" Annybalony." 

What a place that Opera is, to be siu% ! and wluit ei\joyments 
us aristocracy used to have! Just as you have swallowed down 
your three courses (three curses I used to call them ; — for so, indeed, 
they are, causing a great deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor's 
hills, pills, want of sleep, and such like) — just, I say, as you get 
down your three courses, which I defy any man to ei^joy properly 
unless he has two hours of drink and quiet afterwards, up conies 
the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as fine as a duchess, and scented 
like our shop. "Come, my dear," says she, "it's *Nomiy' to- 
night " (or " Annybolony," or the " Nosey di Figaro," or the 
" Cktfzylanler," as the case may be). " Mr. Coster strikes off 
ponctially at eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always 
present at the very first bar of the a[>erture." And so off we are 
obliged to budge, to be miserable for five hours and to have a 
headache for the next twelve, and all because it's the fashion ! 

After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I 
mm giTOi to undentand, is the Italian for lingiDg. Why they 



2o6 COX^S DIARY 

Bhould sing in Italian, I can't conceiye; or why they should do 
nothing but sing. Bless us ! how I used to long for tihe wooden 
magpie in the '' Grazzylarder " to fly up to the top of the chmtiK 
steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the chape with the pitchlbriDi 
come in and carry off that wicked Don June. Not thi^ I don't 
admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini : him who 
has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the fint 
piece, and Don June in the second ; but three hours is a lUile too 
much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boKes. 

The opera is bad enough ; but what is that to the bally t Ton 
should have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to 
see it ; and when Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hostler came 
forward, along with a gentleman, to dance, you should have seen 
how Jemmy stared, and our girl blushed, when Madamsall Fianny, 
coming forward, stood on the tips of only five of her toes, and 
raising up the other five, and the foot belonging to them, aknoet to 
her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round, like a teetotum, 
for a couple of minutes or more ; and as she settled down, at last^ 
on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should have heard 
how the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with all 
their might, and waving their handkerchiefs ; the pit shoathig 
" Bravo ! '' Some people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at 
such an exhibition, threw bunches of flowers at her ; and what do 
you think she did 7 Why, liang me, if she did not come forward, 
as though nothing had happened, gather up the things they had 
thrown at her, smile, press them to her heart, and begin whirlii^ 
round again, faster than ever. Talk about coolness, / never saw 
such in all my bom days. 

" Nasty thing ! " says Jemmy, starting up in a fury ; "if women 
unll act so, it serves them right to be treated so." 

" Oh yes ! she acts beautifully," says oiu* friend his Excellency, 
who, along with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to 
miss coming to our box. 

" She may act very beautifidly, Mimseer, but she don't dress so ; 
and I am very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things 
at her, and that the people waved to her to get off." 

Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of 
laughter. 

" My dear Mrs. Coxe," says Tag, " those are the most fiunous 
dancers in the world ; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies 
and roses at them, in token of our immense admiration ! " 

" Well, I never ! " said my wife ; and poor Jemimarann slunk 
behind the curtaiii, and looked as red as it almost. After, the one 
had done, the next began ; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody 



• • • 



f 

t • 



A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA 207 

came skipping and bounding in like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging 
itself up at least six feet from the stage, and there shaking about 
its legs like mad, we were more astonished than ever ! 

" That's Anatole," says one of the gentlemen. 

" Anna who 1 '' says my wife ; and she might well be mistaken : 
for this person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great 
black ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the 
knees. 

" Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, 
he's as active as a man of twenty." 

"//«/" shrieked out my wife; "what, is that there a mani For 
shame, Munseer! Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; 
and I'll thank you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home." 

You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown 
such a horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed 
to it ; but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, 
and so would stop till the end of everything ; and, law bless you ! 
in three weeks frt)m that time, Ihe could look at the bally as she 
would at a dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her double- 
barrelled opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had been a 
bom duchess. As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does ; and precious 
fun it used to be, sometimes. 

My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the 
scenes ; where, being a subscriber, he said I ha<l wliat they call my 
ontray. Behind, then, I went ; and such a place you never saw 
nor heard of ! Fancy lots of young and old gents of the &8hion 
crowding round and staring at the actresses practising their steps. 
Fancy yellow snuflfy foreigners, chattering always, and smelling fear- 
fully of tobacco. Fancy scores of Jews, with hooked noses and 
bUck muzzles, covered with rings, chains, sham diamonds, and gold 
waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old nightgowns, with knock- 
knees, and dirty flesh-coloured cotton stockings, and dabs of brickdust 
<m their wrinkled old chops, and tow- wigs (such wigs !) for the bald 
ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap, or else shephenl's 
crooks, and fiisty garlands of flowers made of red and green baize. 
Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing to an<l fro, amidst 
old bUck canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard, Cupids, dragons, 
and such like. Such dirt, darkness, crowd, conAision and gabble of 
all conceivable languages was never known ! 

If you could but have seen Munseer Anatole ! Instead of looking 
twenty he looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a 
barber was giving it a touch with the tongs ; Munseer was taking 
snuff himself, and a boy was standing by with a pint of beer frx>m 
the public-house at the comer of Charles Street 



ao8 COX'S DIARY 

I met with a little accident during the three-quaiten of an lioiir 
which they allow for the entertainment ci na men of fitthioii on the 
stage, before the curtain draws up for the holly, while the ladiea in 
the boxes are gaping, and the people in the pit are dnmiming witii 
their feet and canes in the rudest manner poaribley aa thoa^ they 
couldn't wait. 

Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the euitun 
flies up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay tOl the 
Tery last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, m^lri*^ myself 
Tery af&ble to the &ir figgerantys which was spinning and twiriiqg 
about me, and asking them if they wasn't cold, and such like polite- 
ness, in the most condescending way possible, when a bolt was 
suddenly withdrawn, and down I popped, through a trap in the 
stage, into the place below. Luckily, I was stopped by a piece of 
machinery, consisting of a heap of green blankets, and a young hdj 
coming up as Venus rising from the sea. If I had not fitUen so Botk^ 
I don't know what might have been the consequence of the ooIloBioii. 
I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear to hear of my paying the 
least attention to the fkir ser. 



JUNE— STRIKING A BALANCE 

NEXT door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honour- 
able the Earl of Kilblaises, of Kilmacrasy Castle, county Kil- 
dare, and his mother, the Dowager Countess. Lady Elilblases 
had a daughter. Lady Juliana Matilda Mac Turk, of the exact age 
of our dear Jemimarann ; and a son, the Honourable Arthur Wel- 
lington Anglesey Blucher Bulow Mac Turk, only ten months older 
than our boy Tug. 

My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become 
her station, made every possible attempt to become acquainted 
with the Dowager Countess of Kilblazes, which her ladyship 
(because, forsooth, she was the daughter of the Minister, and 
Prince of Wales's great friend, the Earl of Portansherry) thought 
fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing so angry 
with her, and determining, in every way, to put her Ladyship 
down. The Kilblazes estate is not so large as the Tuggcridge 
property by two thousand a year at least ; and so my wife, when 
our neighbours kept only two footmen, was quite authorised in 
having three; and she made it a point, as soon as ever the 
Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to have out her own 
carriage-and-four. 

Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera ; only twice as 
big. Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimar- 
ann ; and what do you thipk Jemmy did 7 she got her celebrated 
governess, Madame de Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering 
a double sakuy. It was quite a treasure, tliey said, to have Madame 
Flicflac : she had been (to support her fiither, the Count, when he 
emigrated) a French dancer at the Italian Opera. French dancing, 
and Italian, therefore, we had at once, and in the best style : it is 
astonishing how quick and well she used to speak — the French 
especially. 

Master Arthur Mac Turk was at the fiunous school of the 
Reverend Clement Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other 
young fiushionables, from the age of three to fifteen ; and to this 
establishment Jemmy sent our Tug, ailiiing forty guineas to the 
hundred and twenty paid every year for the boarders. I think I 



2XO COX'S DIARY 

foond oat the dear soul s reason ; for, one day, qwakiog aboot the 
school to a mutual acqnaintance of ours azid the ^^TTrty she 
whispered to him that " she never would have thoq|^ of —"jMiig 
her darling boy at the rate which her next-door nej^bmin paid ; 
their lad, she was sure, must be starred : howerer, poor people^ IImj 
did the best they coultl on their income ! " 

Coddler s, in fiict, was the tiptop school near Londoo : he bad 
been tutor to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up m the 
school, and, as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable '^^^^¥ft i mn 
came to it. You read in the bill (the snopsis, I thmk, Ooddler 
called it), after the account of the charges for boards 
extras, &c, — 

** Every young nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to 
knife, fcH-k, spoon, and goblet of silver (to prevent breakageX which 
will not be returned; a dressing-gown and sliiqwis; toflet-hos, 
pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c. The pupil must on ho aoo duh t 
be allowed to have more than ten guineas of pocket-mooeyy unkn 
his parents particularly desire it, or he be above fifteen years of ^ge. 
Wine will be an eictra charge ; as are warm, vapour, and domdke 
baths. Carriage exerciu will be provided at the rate of fiflce i 
guineas per quarter. It is eamestbj requested that no joang nobfe- 
man (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to 
the cultivation of polite literature^ such an ignoble e^joymcBt 
were pro&nc. 

" Clement Coddlek, M.A., 

" Chaplain and late Tutor to his Grace the 
Duke of Buckminster. 

"MoniT PARXASsrs, 

Richmond, Surrey. " 

To this establishment our Tug was sent. " Recollect, my dear,'* 
said his mamma, '* that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that 
I expect you to beat all the boys in the school ; especially that 
Wellington Mac Turk, who, though he is a lonUs son, is nothing to 
you, who are the heir of Tuggeridj^enlle.'' 

Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl 
as well as any young chap of his age : he was not a bad hand at a 
wig either, and could shave, too, very prettily ; but that was in the 
old time, when we were not great people : when he came to be a 
gentleman, he had to learn Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost 
time to make up for, on going to school. 

However, we had no fear ; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used 






< •• 



• • • / 



STRIKING A BALANCE an 

to send monthly accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was 
not a wonder of the world, I don't know who was. It was — 

General behaviour .... excellent. 

English ...... very good. 

French tr^ bien. 

Latin ...... optim^. 

And so on : — he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every 
month for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and 
see him, after he had been at school a quarter ; we went, and were 
shown by Mr. Coddler, one of the meekest smilingest little men I 
ever saw, into the bedrooms and eating-rooms (the dromitaries and 
refractories he called them), which were all as comfortable as com- 
fortable might be. " It is a holiday to-day," said Mr. Coddler ; and 
a holiday it seemed to be. In the dining-room were half-a-dozen 
young gentlemen playing at canls ("All tip-top nobility," observed 
Mr. Coddler) ; — in the bc<lrooms there was only one gent : he was 
lying on his bed, reading novels and smoking cigars. "Extra- 
ordinary genius ! " whispered Coddler. " Honourable Tom Fit»- 
Warter, cousin of Lonl Byron's ; smokes all day ; and has written 
the sweetest poems you can imagine. Grcnius, my dear ma<lam, you 
know — genius must have its way." ** Well, upon my word," says 
Jemmy, "if that's genius, I had rather that Master Tuggeridge 
Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull fellow." 

" Impossible, my dear madam," said Coddler. " Mr. Tuggeridge 
Coxe cauldnH be stupid if he tried,^^ 

Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, thinl son of the 
Marquis of Allyoompane. We were introduce*! instantly : " Lord 
Claude Lollypop, Mr. and Mrs. Coxe." The little lord wagged his 
head, my wife bowed very low, and so did Mr. Coddler ; who, as he 
saw my Lonl making for the playground, begged him to show us 
the way. — " Come along," says my Lord ; and as he walked before 
us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the beautiful holes in his 
jacket, and elsewhere. 

About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered 
round a pastrycook's shop at the end of the green. "That's the 
grubHshop," said my Lord, "where we young gentlemen wot has 
money buys our wittles, and them young gentlemen wot has none, 
goes tick." 

Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench 
alone. "That's Mr. Hicks, the Rusher, ma'am," says my Lord« 
"We keep him, for he's very useful to throw stones at, and he 
keeps the chaps' ooats when there's a fight, or a game at cricket. — 



212 COX'S DIARY 

Well, Hicks, how's your mother! what's the row newt" ''I 
believe, my Lord," said the usher, yery meekly, *' there b a 
pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises — the Honommble 
Mr. Mac " 

"Oh! come along," said Lonl LoUyiwp, ''come along: iku 
way, ma'am ! Go it, ye cripples ! " And my Lord pulled my dour 
Jemmy's gown in the kindest and most fiuniliar way, she trottiiig 
on after him, mightily pleased to be so taken notice o^ and I after 
her. A little boy went running across the green. ''Who is it, 
Petitoes?" screams my Lord. "Turk and the barbery" pipes 
Pctitoes, and runs to the pastrycook's like mad. "Turk and tiie 

ba ," laughs out my Lord, looking at us. " Hurra ! thit way, 

ma'am ! " And turning round a comer, he opened a door into a 
courtyard, where a number of boys were collected, and a great noise 
of shrill voices might be heard. " €ro it, Turk ! " says one. " Go it, 
barber!" says another. "Punch hith life out!" roars another, 
whose voice was just cracked, and his clothes half a yard too short 
ibr him ! 

Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Ti^ 
punmielling away at the Honourable Master Mac Turk ! My desr 
Jenmiy, who don't understand such things, pounced upon the two 
at once, and, with one hand tearing away Tug, sent him spinning 
back into the arms of his seconds, while with the other, she clawed 
hold of Master Mac Turk's red hair, and, as soon as she got her 
second hand free, banged it about his face and ears like a good one. 

"You nasty — wicked — quarrelsome — aristocratic" (each word 
was a bang) — " aristocratic — oh ! oh ! oh ! " — Here the words 
stopped; for what with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a 
drc»dful kick on the shins which, I am ashamed to say. Master 
Mac Turk administered, my dear Jemmy could bear it no longer, 
and sank fainting away in my arms. 



JULY— DOWN AT BEULAH 

A LTHOUGH there was a r^;ular cut between the next^oor 
l\^ people and us, yet Tug and the Honourable Master Mac 
-^ *• Turk kept up their acquaintance over the back-garden wall, 
and in the stables, where they were fighting, making friends, and 
playing tricks from morning to night, during the holidays. Indeed, 
it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame de Flicflac, 
of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have related. 
When our friend the Baron fii-st saw Madame, a very tender greeting 
passed between them ; for they had, as it appeared, been old friends 
abroad. " Sapristi," said the Baron, in his lingo, '* que fais-tu ici, 
Am^naide ? " " Et toi, mon pauvre Chicot," says she, " est-ce qu'on 
t'a mis k la retraite? II paratt que tu n'es plus G^n^ral chez 

Franco " " Chut ! " says the Baron, putting his finger to his 

lips. 

"What are they saying, my dear?" says my wife to Jemimarann, 
who had a pretty knowledge of the language by this time. 

" I don't know what ' Sapristi ' means, mamma ; but the Baron 
asked Madame what she was doing here ; and Madame said, * And 
you, Chicot, you are no more a General at Franco ? * — Have I not 
translated rightly, Madame ? " 

"Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, 
quite right Figuro yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis 
twenty years," 

" Chicot is my name of baptism," says the Baron ; " Baron 
Chicot de Punter is my name." 

"And being a Greneral at Franco," says Jemmy, "means, I 
suppose, being a French General ? " 

" Yes, I vas," said he, " General Baron de Punter — n'est 'a pas^ 
Anufnaidef" 

^ Oh yes ! " said Madame Flicflac, and laughe<l ; and I and 
Jemmy lauded out of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter 
it was, as you shall hear. 

About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses 
of that admirable institution, "The Washerwoman*s-Orphans' 
Home ; " Lady de Sudley was the great projector of it ; and the 



214 COX'S DIARY 

mana^r and chaplain, the excellent and Beverend Sidney SHopper. 
His salary as ch^lain, and that of Doctor Leitch, the phji^oan 
(both cousins of her Ladyship's), drew away fiye hundred pomda 
from the six subscribed to the charity ; and Lady de Sudley thought 
a £lte at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the filreign fMinoeB 
who were in town last year, might bring a little more moQ^ into 
its treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn nm and 
published in all the papers. 

"APPEAL. 
"B&msH Washerwoman's-Orphans' Horn. 

"The ' Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now bem estab- 
lished seven years : and the good which it has effected is, it may 
be confidently stated, incalculable. Ninety-eight orphan chiklreQ 
of Washerwomen have been lodged within its walls. One hundred 
and two British Washerwomen have been relieved when in the last 
stage of decay. One hundred and ninety-eioht thousakd 
articles of male and female dress have been washed, mended, 
buttoned, ironed, and mangled in the Establishment. And, by 
an arrangement with the governors of the Foundling, it is hoped 
that the Babt-linen of that Hospital will be confided to the 
British Washerwoman's Home ! 

"With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lament- 
able to think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been com- 
pelled to reject the applications of no less than three thousand 
eight hundred and one British Washerwomen, from lack of 
means for their support? Ladies of England! Mothers of England! 
to you we appeal Is there one of you that will not respond to the 
cry in behalf of these deserving members of our sex 1 

" It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a 
fete at Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25 ; which will be graced 
with the first foreign and native talent ; by the first foreign and 
native rank ; and where they beg for the attendance of every 
Washerwoman's friend." 

Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollemschwigmaringen, 
the Duke of Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His 
Excellency Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed- Allah, the 
Persian Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of 
Oude, His Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y- 
Castanete, the Spanish Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the 
Envoy of the Republic of Topinambo, and a host of other fasluoii- 






- • 



\ K r t 



. 4 . 

< 



DOWN AT BEULAH 215 

ables promised to honour the festival : and their names made a 
fiunous show in the bills. Besides these we had the celebrated band 
of Moscow-musiks, the seventy-seyen Transylvanian trumpeters, and 
the &mous Bohemian Minnesingers ; with all the leading artists of 
London, Paris, the Continent, and the rest of Europe. 

I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British 
Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful 
tent was erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet : it 
was hung round with specimens of the skill of the Washerwomen's 
orphans ; ninety-six of whom were to be feasted in the gardens, and 
waited on by the Ladies-Patronesses. 

Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, 
the Count, Baron Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the 
chariot and barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes 
and her carriage-and-two. 

There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the 
Ladies- Patronesses were admitted ; ailer which my ladies and 
their beaux went strolling through the walks ; Tagrag and the Count 
having each an arm of Jemmy ; the Baron giving an arm apiece to 
Madame and Jemimarann. Whilst they were walking, whom should 
they light upon but poor Orlando Crump, my successor in the per- 
fumery and haircutting. 

'* Orlando ! " says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and 
holding out her hand. 

" Jemimar ! " says he, holding out his, and turning as white as 
pomatum. 

'' Sir ! " says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess. 

" What ! madam," says poor Crump, " don't you remember your 
shopboy I " 

''Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?" whimpers 
Jemimarann, whose hand he had got hold of. 

" Miss Tuggeridge Coxe," says Jemmy, " I'm ' surprised at you. 
Remember, sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no 
more familiarity." 

" Insolent fellow ! " says the Baron, " vat is dis canaille ? " 

"Canal yourself, Mounscer," says Orlando, now grown quite 
furious : he broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the 
crowd. Jemimarann, as soon as he was gone, began to look very 
pale and ill ; and her mamma, therefore, took her to a tent, where 
she left her along with Madame Fli(*flac and the Baron ; going off 
herself with the other gentlemen, in onler to join us. 

It appears they ha<i not been seated very long, when Madame 
Flicflac suddenly sprang up, with an exclanmtion of joy, and rushed 
iDTward to a friend whom she saw pass. 



«5 COX'S DIART 

The Baion was left alone with Jeminunuin ; Mid niMtfao- it ww 
the duunpagne, or that my dear giri looked more than etmunoolj 
pretty, I don't know; but Madame FUcflac had not been gme a 
minute, when the Baron dropped on hu knees, and made hm « 
regular declaration. 

Poor Orlando Cramp had found me out by thia time, and vaa 
standing hy my side, listening, aa melanchdy as poeaible, to the 
&mous Bohemian Minneaingera, who were ainging the cdelsated 
words of the poet Gothy : — 



They were standing with their handa in their waistcoftta, aa nsnal, 
and had just come to the " o-o-o," at the end of the chrana of the 
forty-eeventh Ktania, when Orlando started; "That's a acreaml' 
■aya he. '' Indeed it U," says I ; " and, but for the &shion of the 
thing, a very ugly scream too : " when I heard another shrill " Oh ! " 
OS I thought ; and Orlando bolted off, crying, " By hesTens, it's A<r 
Toice ! " " Whose voiec 1 " says I. " Come and see the row," eayi 
Tag. And off we went, with a oonsidcrabic number of people, who 
saw this strange move on his part. 

We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann 
binting ; her tnamma holding a smelling-bottle ; the Baron, oa the 
ground, holding a handkerchief to hU bleeding nose ; and Orlando 
squaring at him, and rolling on him to fight If he dared. 

My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. " Take that feller 
away," says she ; " lie has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves 
transportation, at the least." 

Poor Orlando was carrieil off. " I've no patience with the httle 
minx," Bays Jemmy, giving Jemtmarann a ])inch. " She mi^t be 
a Baron's lady ; and slie screams out because his Excellency did but 
squeeze her hand." 

" Oh, mamma ! mamma ! " sobs poor Jemimorann, " but he was 
t-t- tipsy." 

" T-t-tipsy ! and the more shame for yoti, you hussy, to he 
offended with a nobleman who does not know wtiat he is doing." 



AUGUST— A TOURNAMENT 

I SAY, Tug," said Mac Turk, one day soon after our flare-up at 
Beulah, '* Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then well cut 
you out, as I told you : the old barberess will die of spite when 
ahe hears what we are going to do. What do you think? we're 
going to have a tournament ! '' " What's a tournament ? '' says Tug, 
and so said his mamma when she heard the news; and when she 
knew what a tournament was, I think, reaUy, she was as angry as 
Mac Turk said she would be, and gave us no peace for days together. 
*' What ! " says she, '* dress up in armour, like play-actors, and run 
at each other with spears ? The Kilblazes must be mad ! '' And 
so I thought, but I didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, 
as they were : for, when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes' festival 
was to be, as yet, a profound secret, what does she do, but send 
down to the Morning Post a flaming account of 

"the passage of arms at tugoeridgeville ! 

" The days of chivalry arc not past. The fair Castellane of 
T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been 
alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall 
exceed in splendour even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. 
We are not at liberty to say more ; but a tournament, at which 
His Ex-l-ncy B-r-n de P-nt-r and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest 
son of Sir Th — s T-gr-g, are to be the knights-defendants against all 
comers ; a Queen of Beauty, of whose loveliness every frequenter of 
fiwhion has felt the power ; a banquet, unexampled! in the annals of 
Ghmter ; and a ball, in which the recollections of ancient chivalry 
wiU blend sweetly with the soft tones of Weippert and CoUinet, are 
among the entertainments which the Ladye of T-gg>ridgeville has 
prepared for her distinguished guests." 

The Baron was the life of the scheme : he longed to be on horse- 
back, and in the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a 
niimber of our friends practised : he was the very best titter present; 
he vaulted over his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as 
nerer were done except at Ducrow's. 



2i8 COX'S DIARY* 

And now — oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this skoii 
chapter, to describe the wonders of the day I — Twenty-four knights 
came from Ashley's at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to 
have had Miss Woolford in the character of Joan of Arc, but that 
hidy did not appear. We had a tent for the challengers, at each 
side of which hung what they called escoachtngs (like hatchments, 
which they put up when people die), and underneath sat their 
pages, holding their helmets for the tournament. Tagrag was in 
brass-anuour (my City connections got him that fiunous suit) ; his 
Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet, modelled 
exactly after that of Queen Catharine, in " Henry V. ** ; a tight gQt 
jacket, which set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a tiain 
of at least forty feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair 
braidekl with pearls. Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Eliai- 
beth ; and Lady Blanche Bluenosc as a Turkish Princess. An alder- 
man of London and his lady ; two magistrates of the county, and 
the very pink of Croydon ; several Polish noblemen ; two Italian 
Counts (besides our Count) ; one hundred and ten young officers, 
from Addiscombe College, in full uniform, commanded by Mj^- 
General Sir Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B., and liis la<ly; the Misses 
Pimminy 8 Finishing Establishment, and fourteen young ladies, all 
in white; the Reverend Doctor Wajwhot, and forty-nine young 
gentlemen, of the first families, under his charge — were some only 
of the comixiny. I leave you to fancy tliat, if my Jemmy did seek 
for fashion, she had enough of it on this occasion. They wanted me 
to have mounted again, but my hunting-clay had been sufficient; 
besides, I ain't big enough for a real knight : so, as Mrs. Coxe in- 
sisted on my opening the Tournament — and I knew it was in vain 
to resist — the Baron and Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so that 
I might come off "with safety, if I came off at all. They liad pro- 
cured from the Strand Theatre a famous stud of hobby-horses, which 
they told me had been trained for the use of the great Lord Bate- 
man. I did not know exactly what they were till they arrived; 
but as they ha<l belongeil to a lord, I thought it was all right, and 
consenteil ; and I found it the best sort of riding, after all, to appear 
to be on horseback and walk safely a-foot at the same time ; and it 
was impossible to come do^^Ti as long as I kept on my own legs : 
besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much as I liked, 
without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of the 
Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, 
in blue and gold : I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and 
almost wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in 
my helmet and breast-plate, with all the tnimpets blowing and 
drums beating at the time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and 



r 



\ 



A TOURNAMENT 219 

predously we poked each other, till, prancing about, I put my foot 
on my horse's petticoat behind, and down I came, getting a thrust 
from the Captain, at the same time, that almost broke my shoulder- 
bone. "This was sufficient,'' they said, " for the laws of chivalry;" 
and I was glad to get off so. 

After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than 
seven, in complete armour, and the professionals, now ran at the 
ring ; and the Baron was far, far the most skilful. 

" How sweetly the dear Baron rides ! " said my wife, who was 
always ogling at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief 
to him. '* I say, Sam," says a professional to one of his friends, 
as, after their course, they came cantering up, and ranged under 
Jemmy's bower, as she called it : — " I say, Sam, I'm blowed if that 
chap in harmer mustn't have been one of hus." And this only made 
Jemmy the more pleased ; for the fact is, the Baron had chosen the 
best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her mother. 

The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy 
awarded him the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed 
on his lance; he receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the 
plumes of his helmet mingled with the mane of his charger, which 
backed to the other end of the lists; then galloping bock to the 
place where Jemimarann was seated, he begged her to place it on 
his helmet. The poor girl blushed very much, and did so. As 
all the people were applauding, Tagrag nished up, and, laying his 
hand on the Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his ear, 
which made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off 
violently. ^* Chacun jxmr sot," says he, "Monsieur de Taguerague," 
— which means, I am told, "Every man for himself." And then he 
rode away, throwing his lance in the air, catching it, and making his 
hone caper and prance, to the admiration of all beholders. 

After this came the " Passage of Arms." Tagrag and the Baron 
ran courses against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two 
apiece; whereupon the other three refuse<l to turn out; and pre- 
ciously we laughed at them, to be sure ! 

" Now, it's our turn, Mr. Chicot" says Tagrag, shaking his fkt 
at the Baron : " look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by 
Jupiter, I'll do my best ! " And before Jemmy and the rest of us, 
who were quite bewildered, could say a wonl, i\\em two frientls were 
charging away, spears in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain 
Jemmy screamed ; in vain I threw down my tnmcheon : they had 
broken two poles before I could say " Jack Robinson," and were 
driving at each other with the two new ones. The Baron had the 
wont of the fint course, for he had almost been carried out of his 
■Midle. " Hark you, Chicot ! " screamed out Tagrag, " next time 



320 COX'S DIARY 

look to your head ! " And next time, sure enoo^ eadi aimed at 
the head of the other. 

Tagra^B spear hit the ri^t place ; for it carried off the Baron's 
helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit tnier 
still — his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the groand 
like a stone. 

'* He's won ! he's won ! " says Jemmy, waving her handkcrehicf; 
Jemimarann fainted. Lady Bbinche screamed, and I felt so nek that 
I thought I should drop. All the company were in an aproar: 
only the Baron looked calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed 
his hand to Jemmy ; when, all of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man 
springing over the barrier, and followed by three more^ roahed 
towards the Baron. ''Keep the gate. Bob!" he hoUona oat. 
" Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, for ** 

But he never said for what ; shouting out, " Aha ! " and ** Sa^ 
prrrrUtU!" and I don't know what, his Excellency drew his siwoid, 
dug his spurs into his horse, and was over the poor bailifi^ and off 
before another word. He had threatened to run through one of the 
bailiff's followers, Mr. Stubbs, only that gentleman made wny for 
him ; and when we took up the bailiff, and brought him round by 
the aid of a little brandy-and-water, he told us alL ''I bad a 
writ againsht him, Mishter Goxsh, but I didn't vant to akpoQ 
fihport; and, beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey knocked off 
shteel cap ! " 



Here was a pretty business ! 



SEPTEMBER— OVER^BOARDED AND 

UNDER^LODGED 

WE had uo great reason to brag of our tournament at 
Tuggeridgeville : but, after all, it was better than the 
turn-out at Kilblaz^ where poor Lord Heydownderry 
went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and the Emperor 
Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armour and silk stockings, 
like Mr. Pell's friend in Pickwick. We, having employed the 
gentlemen from Astley's Antitheatre, had some decent sport for 
our money. 

We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished 
himself by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very 
justly) Mr. Nabb, the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs his nuin, who came 
to lay hands upon him. My sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low 
in spirits after his departure, and a sad thing it is to see her in low 
spirits : on days of illness she no more minds giving Jemimarann a 
box on the ear, or sending a plate of muffins across a table at poor 
me, than she does taking her tea. 

Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember 
it was the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen 
the Baron at Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air 
would do her good, and declared that she should die unless she went 
to the seaside in France. I knew what this meant, and that I 
mi^t as well attempt to resist her as to resist Her Gracious Majesty 
in Parliament assembled; so I told the people to pack up the things, 
and took four places on board the Grand Turk steamer for 
Boulogne. 

The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes 
and my carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the 
night before; and we, after breakfiisting in Portland Place (little 
did I think it was the — but^ poh ! never mind) went down to the 
Custom House in the other carriage, followed by a hackney-coach 
and a cab, with the servants, and fourteen bandboxes and trunks 
mote, which were to be wanted by my dear girl in the journey. 

The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be 
dneribed ; we saw the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish 



222 COX'S DIARY 

massacre of St. Bartholomew; — why erected here I can't 
as St. Bartholomew is in Smithfield ; — we had a ^unpae ci 
Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House, where we saw the two- 
and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke coming out of the chinmeyi^ and 
were landed at the Custom House in safety. I felt mdanclidly^ ftr 
we were going among a people of swindlers, as all Frenduneii are 
thought to be ; and, besides not being able to speak the laQguage^ 
leaving our own dear country and honest countrymen. 

Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the 
greatest civility ; calling Jemmy her Ladyship, and me your honour; 
ay, and your-honouring and my-Ladyshipping even my man and the 
maid in the cab. I somehow felt all over quite melancfaoly at goiog 
away. '* Here, my fine fellow,'' says I to the coachman, who waa 
standing very respectful, holding his hat in one hand and Jeromy'a 
jewel-case in the other — " Here, my fine chap," says I, ** here'a aiz 
shillings for you ; *' for I did not care for the money. 

" Six what I " says he. 

'* Six shillings, fellow," shrieks Jemmy, " and twice as much aa 
your fare." 

'* Feller, marm ! " says this insolent coachman. ** FeUer joar- 
self, marm : do you think I'm a-going to kill my hoises^ and bieak 
my precious back, and bust my carriage, and carry yon, and your 
kids, and your traps, for six hog?" And with this the monster 
dropped his hat, with my money in it, and doubling his fist, pat it 
so very near my nose that I really thought he wouhi have made it 
bleed. "My fare's heigh teen shillings," says he, "hain't itt — haak 
hany of these gentlemen." 

"Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-aix," says one of the 
fourteen porters ; "but if the genl'man is a gen'l'man, he can't give 
no less than a suflering anyhow." 

I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk ; but, 
" Holloa ! " says one. " What's the row ] " says another. " Ccmie, 
dub up ! " roars a third. And I don't mind telling you, in confidence, 
that I was so frightened that I took out the sovereign and gave it. 
My man and Jemmy's maid had disappeared by this time: they 
always do when there's a robber\' or a row going on. 

I was going after them. " Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young 
gentleman of about thirteen, with a re<l livery waistcoat that reached 
to his ankles, and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it 
together. " Stop, Mr. Heff," says he, taking a small pipe out of his 
mouth, "and don't forgit the cabman." 

" What's your fare, my lad 1 " says I. 

" Why, let's see — yes — ho ! — my fare's seven-and-thirty and 
cightpence eggs — acly." 



OVER.BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED 223 

The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage here burst out and 
laughed very rudely indeed ; and the only person who seemed dis- 
appointed waa, I thought, the hackney-coachman. "Why, you 
nacal ! " says Jemmy, laying hold of the boy, ^* do you want more 
than the coachman ? " 

" Don't rascal me, mann ! " shrieks the little chap in return. 
"What's the coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omnibus for 
sixpence if you like ; vy don't you go and buss it, marm ? Vy did 
you call my cab, marm ? Vy am I to come forty mile, from Scarlot 
Street, Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and not git my fare, marm f 
Come, give me a suffering and a half, and don't keep my boss 
a-vaiting all day." This speech, which takes some time to write 
down, was made in about the fifth part of a second ; and, at the 
end of it, the young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing 
towanls Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to 
fight 

My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white 
Windsor, and fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called 
** Policeman ! " but a policeman won't interfere in Thames Street ; 
robbery is licensed there. What was I to do ? Oh ! my heart 
fteats with paternal gratitude when I think of what my Tug did ! 

As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting 
attitude, Master Tuggeridge Coxe — who had been standing by 
laughing very rudely, I thought — Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, 
flung his jacket suddenly into his mamma's fiice (the brass buttons 
made her start and recovered her a little), and, before we could say 
li wonl, was in the ring in which we stood (forme<l by the porters, 
nine orangemen and women, I don't know liow many newspaper- 
boys, hotel-cads, and old-clothesmen), and, whirling about two little 
white fists in the face of the gentleman in the red waistcoat, who 
brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the enemy, was 
engiged in an instant 

But la bless you ! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for 
nothing ; and milled away — one, two, right and left — like a little 
hero as he is, with all his dear mother's spirit in him. First came 
A crack which sent a long dusky white hat — that lookc<i dam[> and 
deep like a well, and had a long black cra|)e-rag twisted rouncl it — 
first came a crack which sent this white hat 8i>inning over the 
gentleman's cab, and scattered among the crowd a vast numl)cr of 
things which the cabman kei>t in it, — such as a ball of string, a 
piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a Little Warbler, a slice of 
bacon, dec dec 

The cabman seemed sadly ashame<l of this dis[)lay, but Tug 
ipare him no time : another blow was planted on his cheek-bone ; 



224 COX'S DIARY 

and a third, which hit him straight on the noee, -«ait thia rode 
cabman straight down to the ground. 

'* Brayvo, my Lord ! '' shouted all the people aiomid. 

"I won't have no more, thank yer," said the Utile rahman, 
gathering himself up. " Give us over my fiure, vil yer, and let me 
git away 1 " 

" What's your fiire now, you cowardly little thief t " aaya Tag. 

"Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he. "Go along; — yoa 
know it is ! '' And two-and-eightpence he had ; and everybody 
applauded Tug, and hissed the cab-boy, and asked Tog for aoaia- 
thing to drink. Wc heard the packet-bell ringing, and all ran down 
the stairs to be in time. 

I now thought oiu* troubles would soon be over; mine wfn, 
very nearly so, in one sense at least: for after ICn. Coze and 
Jemimarann, and Tug, and the maid, and valet, and valnaUes had 
been handed across, it came to my turn. I had often heaid of 
people being taken up by a Plank, but seldom of their being aeC 
down by one. Just as I was going over, the vessel rode off a Httk^ 
the board slipped, and down I soused into the water. Yoa might 
have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as &r as Gravesend ; it rang in ^f 
ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving herV^ 
<lisconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim 
of my beaver-hat — though I have heard that drowning men catch at 
straws : — I floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook ; and, 
luckily, just then, I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waist-band 
of my whites, and found myself hauled up in the air at the end <^ a 
boat-hook, to the soimd of " Yeho ! yeho ! yehoi ! yehoi ! " and so I 
was dragged aboard. I was put to be<l, and had swallowed so 
much water that it took a very considerable quantity of brandy to 
bring it to a proper mixture in my inside. In fact, for some hoars 
I was in a very deplorable state 



OCTOBER— NOTICE TO QUIT 

WELL, we arriTed at Boulogne ; and Jemmy, aiter making 
inquiries, right and left, about the Baron, found that no 
such person was known there : and being bent, I suppose, 
at all events, on marrying her daughter to a lord, she determined to 
set off for Paris, where, as he had often said, he possessed a magnifi- 
cent hotel he called it ; — and I remember Jemmy being mightily 

indignant at the idea ; but hotel, we found afterwfuxis, means only 
ft house in French, and this reconciled her. Need I describe the 
road from Boulogne to Paris ? or need I describe that Capitol itself? 
Suffice it to say, that we made our appearance there, at " Murisse's 
Hotel,'' as became the fiimily of Coxe Tuggeridge ; and saw every- 
thing worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed 
me, to be sure ; but, when you're on a pleasure party in a foreign 
country, you must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort. 

Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row 
of trees, which — I don't know why — is called the Shaiideleezy, or 
Elysian Fields, in French : others, I have heani, call it the Shande- 
k^; but mine I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the 
middle of this Shandeleezy is an open space of ground and a tent 
where, during the sunmier, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, per- 
fonoA with his horses and things. As everybody went there, and 
we were told it was quite the thing. Jemmy agreed that we should 
90 too ; and go we did. 

It's just like Ashley's : there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, 
who goes round the ring in a huzzah-ilress, cracking a whip ; there 
are a dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, 
Dihannas, Sultannas, Cachuchas, and Heaven knows what ! There's 
the £Bit man, who comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and 
turns out to be the living skeleton ! There's the clowns, the sawdust, 
the white horse that dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops, 
just as in our own dear country. 

My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world 

looking at her, was really ei^oying this spectacle (which doesn't 

require any knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals 

don't talk it), when there came in, presently, " the great Polish act 
8 P 



226 COX'S DIARY 

of the Sonnatian horse-tamer, on eight steeds,'' which we were all 
of lis longing to see. The horse-tamer, to music twenty mfles an 
hour, rushed in on four of his horses, leading the other iaar^ and 
skurried round the ring. You couldn't see him fair the sawdnst, 
but everybody was delighted, and applauded like mad. Prewntly, 
you saw there were only throe horses in front : he had dimNsd one 
more between his legs, another followed, and it was clear that the 
consequences would be fiital, if he admitted any more. The pec^ 
applauded more than ever ; and when, at last, seven and eight were 
made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and out, witii 
the others, so that you did not know which was which, the hooK, 
I thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian 
horse-tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the 
music grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring ; bend- 
ing, smirking, seesawing, wa>ing his whip, and laying his hand on 
his heart, just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. But fiincy 
our astonishment when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coining 
round with his four pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, 
gave a start, and a — hupp ! which made all his horses stop atock-atill 
at an instant ! 

" Albert ! " screamed my dear Jemmy : " Albert ! Bahbahhah — 
baron ! " The Sarmatian looked at her for a minute ; and turning 
head over heels, three times, bolted suddenly off his horses^ and 
away out of our sight 

It was His Excellency the Baron de Punter ! 

Jemmy went otf in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron 
again ; but we heanl, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of 
Franconi's, and had nm away to England, thinking ti» better himself^ 
and had joiueil Mr. Richardson's army ; but Mr. Kichardson, and 
then London, did not agree with him ; and we saw the hist of him 
as he sprang over the barriers at the Tuggeridgeville tournament. 

" Well, Jemimarann," says Jcnimy, in a furj*, " you shall marry 
Tagrag ; and if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least 
you shall be a baronet's huly." Poor Jemimarann only sighed ; she 
knew it was of no use to n»monstrate. 

Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than 
ever to go back to London : for what should we hear, but that that 
monster, Tuggeridgc, of the City — old Tug's black son, forsooth ! — 
wa« going to contest Jenuny's claim to the proi)erty, and had filed I 
don't know how many bills against us in Chancery ! Hearing this, 
we set off immediately, and we arriveil at Boulogne, and set off in 
that very same " Gran<l Turk " which ha<l brought us to France. 

If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave 
London on Saturday morning, and Botdogne on Saturday night ; so 






1 « i ( . 



NOTICE TO QUIT 227 

that there is often not an hour between the time of arrival and 
departure. Bless us ! bless us ! I pity the poor Captain that, for 
twenty-four hours at a time, is on a paddle-box, roaring out, " Ease 
her ! Stop her ! " and the poor servants, who are laying out break- 
fast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper; — breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, 
supper, again ; — for layers upon layers of travellers, as it were ; and, 
most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those unfortunate 
tin basins that he must always keep an eye over. Little did we 
know what a storm was brewing in our absence ; and little were 
we prepared for the awfid awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridge- 
ville property. 

^^i^S^ o^ the great house of Higgs, Biggs, & Blather^'ick, was our 
man of business : when I arrived in London I heanl that he had 
just set off to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridge- 
ville instead of going to Portland Place. As we came through the 
lodge-gates, we found a crowd assembled within them ; and there 
was that horrid Tuggeridge on horseback, with a shabby-lookuig 
man, called Mr. Seapgoat, and his man of business, and many 
more. '^ Mr. Seapgoat,'' says Tuggeridge, grinning, and handing 
him over a sealed paper, " hero's the lease ; I leave you in posses- 
sion, and wish you good-morning." 

" In iK>88es8ion of what ? " says the rightful lady of Tuggeridge- 
ville, leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tug- 
genMge, as she called him, like poison : the very first week of our 
coming to Portland Place, wlien he called to ask restitution of some 
plate which he said was his private proi>erty, she called him a base- 
bom blackamoor, and told him to quit the house. Since then there 
had been law-s(|iiabbles between us without end, and all sorts of 
writings, meetings, and arbitrations. 

" Possession of my estate of Tuggeridge>'ille, madam,'' roars he, 
" left me by my father's will, which you have had notice of these 
three weeks, and know as well as I do." 

" Old Tug left no triII," shrieked Jemmy : " he didn't die to 
leave his estates to blackamoors — to negroes — to base-bom midatto 
story-tellers ; if he did, may I be " 

'' Oh, hush ! dearest mamma," says Jeminuirann. 

" €ro it again, mother ! " says Tug, who is always sniggering. 

"WTiat is this business, Mr. TuaKcritlge?" crie<l Tagrag (who was 
the only one of our party that had his senses). "What is this will?" 

" Oh, it's merely a matter of fomi," said the lawyer, riding up. 
•* For Heaven's sake, madam, be j)eaceable ; let my friends, Higgs, 
BiggB, & Blather^'ick, arrange with me. I am surprised that 
none of their people are here. All that you have to do is to eject 
OS ; and the rest will follow, of course." 



228 COX'S DIARY 

*'Who has taken poeaession of this here property f* voui 
Jemmy again. 

**My friend Mr. Scapgoat," said the lawyer. — ^Mr. g<sfnym t 
grinned. 

" Mr. Scapgoat," said my wife, shaking her fist at him ^ she 
is a woman of no small spirit), ** if yoa don't leave this gromidy Pll 
haTe you pushed out with pitchforks, I will — ^yoa and your jm ^ ^ j m^ 
blackamoor yonder.** And, suiting .the actkm to llie wotd^ she 
clapped a stable foik into the hands of one of the gaideBK% aid 
callei another, armed with a rake, to his help, iHliile joaag Tvg 
set the dog at their heels, and I hurrahed for joy to see waA 
villainy so property treated. 

" Tliat's si^cicnt, ain't it 1 " said Mr. Scapgoat, with the cahneit 
air in the world. " Oh, completely," said the lawyer. " Mr. T^g- 
geridge, we've ten miles to dinner. Madam, 3rour very humble 
servant" And the whole posse of them rode away. 



NOVEMBER— LAW LIFE ASSURANCE 

WE knew not what this meant, until we receiTed a strange 
document from Higgs, in London, — which began, "Middle- 
sex to wit Samuel Cox, late of Portland Place, in the 
City of Westminster, in the said county, was attached to answer 
Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and arms, he 
entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John 
Tuggeridgc, Esquire, demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a 
term which is not yet expired, and ejected him." And it went on 
to say that " we, with force of arms, viz. with swords, knives, and 
staves, had ejected him." Was there ever such a monstrous false- 
hood ? when we did but stand in defence of our own ; and isn't it a 
sin that we should have been turned out of our rightful possessions 
upon such a rascally plea ? 

Higgs, Biggs, & Blatherwick had evidently been bribed ; for — 
would you believe it % — they told us to give up possession at once, 
as a will was found, and wo could not defend the action. My 
Jemmy refused their proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion 
of the will : she pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor 
forgery ; and believes, to this day, that the story of its liaving been 
made thirty years ago, in Calcutta, and left there with old Tube's 
papers, and found there, and brought to England, after a search 
luaile, by order of Tuggeridge junior, is a scandalous falsehood. 

Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning 
it 7 What shall I say of the LonI Chief Justice, but that he ought 

to be ashamed of the wig he sits in? What of Mr. and 

Mr. , who exerted their eloquence against justice and the poor ? 

On our side, too, was no less a man than Mr. Seijcant Binks, who, 
ashamed I am, for the honour of the British bar, to say it, seemed 
t') luive been bribed too : for he actually threw up his case ! Had 
he l)ehaved like Mr. Mulligan, his junior — and to whom, in this 
humble way, I offer my thanks — all might have been well. I never 
knew such an effect produced, as when Mr. Midligan, appearing for 
the fint time in that court, said, " Standing here, upon the pidestal 
of scored Thamis ; seeing around me the amymints of a profission I 
rispict; having before me a vinnerable judge, and an inlightened 



230 COX'S DIARY 

jiiry — the counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, the poor 
man's priceless palladium : how must I thrimble, my Lard, how 
must the blush bejew my cheek — " (somebody cried out "0 ekeek$! " 
In the court there was a dreadful ruar of laughing ; and when order 
was established, Mr. Mulligan continued :) — '* My Lard, I heed 
them not ; I come from a counthr>' accustomed to opprinkMiy and 
as that counthry — yes, my Lard, that Ireland — (do not lau^ I 
am proud of it) — is ever, in spite of her tyrants, green, and lovdy, 
and beautiful : my client's cause, likewise, will rise shaperior to the 
malignant imbecility — I repeat, tlie maugxant ihbecilitt— of 
those who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth, in my 
client's name, in my counthry 's — ay, and m;/ own — ^I, with folded 
arrums, hurl a scamful and eternal defiance ! '' 

" For Heaven's sake, Mr. Milligau " — (" Muluoan, mb Labd^** 
cried my defender) — " Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to 
your brief." 

Mr. Mulligan did : and for tliree hours and a quarter, in a 
speech crammed with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence^ 
he explained the situation of me and my fiimily; the romantic 
manner in which Tuggeridge the elder gsiined his fortune, and by 
which it ofter^'ards came to my ^ifc ; the state of Ireland ; the 
original and virtuous poverty of the Coxes — from which he glanced 
passionately, for a few minutes (until the judge stopped him), to 
the poverty of his o^ti countrj' ; my excellence as a husband, fiither, 
landlord ; my life's, as a wife, mother, landlady. All was in vain 
— the trial went agiiinst us. I was soon taken in execution for the 
damages; five hundrc(l jwunds of law exi)en6es of my own, and 
as much more of Tuggeridge's. He woulcl not pay a farthing, he 
said, to get me out of a nuuli worse plu e than the Fleet. I need 
not tell you that along with the land went the house in town, and 
the money in the funds. Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, 
had it all. And when I was in prison, who do you think would 
come and see me? None of the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign 
Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used to fill our house, and cat 
and drink at oiu: exj)eiii>t», — not even the uugrateftil Tagrag I 

I could not help now siiying to my dear wife, " See, my love, we 
have been gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have 
liad of it. In the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, 
and ever>'bo<lv laughed at us." 

" Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter. 

" AVe askcil great company, and they insulted us." 

" And si>oilt mamma's temjier,'' said Jemimarann. 

" Hush I miss," said her mother ; " we don't want i/our advice," 

" Then you must make a country gentleman of me." 



f J « I 






LAW LIFE ASSURANCE 231 

" And send pa into dunghills,'' roared Tug. 

" Then you most go to opens, and pick up foreign Barons and 

Counts." 

" Oh, thank Heayen, dearest p^)a, that we are rid of them,'* 
cries my little Jemimanum, looking almost happy, and kissing her 

old pappy. 

^ And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send 
him to a fine schooL" 

" And I give you my word," says Tug, " I'm as ignorant a chap 

as ever lived." 

" You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy ; " youVe learned 
that at your fine sehooL" 

** IVe learned something else, too, ma'am ; ask the boys if I 
haven't," grumbles Tug. 

** You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her 
to a swindler." 

" And drive off poor Orlando," whimpered my giri. 

" Silence ! miss," says Jemmy fiercely. 

'* You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and 
bring me into this prison, without hope of leaving it : for he never 
can help us after all your bad language." I said all this very smartly ; 
for the &ct is, my blood was up at the time, and I dctermine<l to 
rate my dear girl soundly. 

** Oh ! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was 
quite broken), " it's all true ; IVe been very very foolish and vain, 
and I've punished my dear husband and children by my follies, aiul 
I do so so rejient them ! " Here Jemimarann at once burst out 
crying, and flung herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair roared 
ami sobbed for ten minutes together. Even Tug looked queer : and 
as for me, it's a most extraonlinary thing, but I'm blest if seeing 
them so miserable didn't make me quite happy. — I don't tliink, 
for the whole twelve months of our good fortune, I had ever felt so 
gay as in that dismal room in the Fleet, where I was locked up. 

Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day ; and we, who 
hail never taken the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and 
treateil him so cruelly that day at Beulah Sini, were only too glad 
of liis company now. He use<l to bring b(X)ks for my girl, and a 
bottle of sherry for me ; and he used to take home Jemmy's fronts and 
dress them for her ; and when locking-up time came, he used to see 
the lailies home to their little three-pair bedroom in Holbom, where 
they slept now. Tug and dl. "Can the binl forget its nest?" 
Orlando used to say (he was a romantic young fellow, that's the 
truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron incessantly, since he 

separated from Jemimarann ). " Can the binl, let loose in Eastern 



232 COX'S DIARY 

dimes, forget its homel Can the rose cease to remember its beknred 
bulbul t — Ah, no ! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I 
hope to die — a hairdresser. I never see a curling-inniB before I 
entered your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did yoa 
not make over your house, your furniture, your emporium of per- 
lumery, and nine-and-twenty shaving customers, to me t Are these 
trifles ? Is Jemimarann a trifle ? if she woiUd allow me to eall her 
80. Oh, Jemimarann, your ])a found me in the workhouse, and made 
me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I never never shall 
be diflcrent ! '' When he had said this, Orlando was so much aflfected, 
thai he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room. 

Then Jemimarann began to cr>' too. " Oh, pa ! " said she, 
" isn't he — isn't he a nice young man ? " 

" I'm hanged if he ain't," says Tug. " What do you think of 
his giving me eighteenpencc yesterday, and a bottle of lavender- 
water for Minmrann ] " 

" He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate," 
says Jemmy. 

" What ! to pay Tuggeridge's damages ? My dear, I'd sooner 
die than give Tuggeridge the chance." 



DECEMBER— FAMILY BUSTLE 

TU6GERIDGE vowe<l that I should finish my days there, 
when he put me in prison. It appears that we both had 
reason to be ashamed of ourselves ; and were, thank God ! 
I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings towards him, and he 
actually wrote to me to say — 

'* Sir, — I think you have suffere<l enough for faults which, I 
believe, do not lie with you, so much as your wife; an<l I have 
withdrawn my claims which I hail against you while you were in 
wrongful possession of my father's estates. You must remember 
that when, on examination of my father's papers, no will was found, 
I yielde<l up his property, with perfect willingness, to those who I 
fancied were his legitimate heirs. For this I received all sorts of 
insults from your wife and yourself (who acquiesced in them) ; and 
when the discovery of a will, in India, proved my just claims, you 
must remember how they were met, and the vexatious proceedings 
with which you sought to opiKtse them. 

" I have dischaiged your lawyer^s bill ; and, as I believe you 
arc more fitted for the trade you formerly exereised than for any 
other, I will give five liuudred poimds for the purcliase of a stock 
and shop, when you shall fin<l one to suit yoiL 

^*I enclose a draft for twenty pounds, to meet your present 
expenses. You have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit : if he 
Ukes to try his fortune abroad, and go on boanl an Indiamau, I 
can get him an appointment ; and am. Sir, yoiu* obedient servant, 

" John Tugoeridoe.'' 

It was Mrs. Breaiibasket, the housekeeper, who brought this 
letter, and looked mighty contem])tuous us she gave it 

"I hope. Breadbasket, that your master will send me my tilings at 
any rate,'' cries Jemmy. " There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, 
and a whole heap of trinkets, tliat can be of no earthly use to him." 

'* Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master 
lajrs that them things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of lifti 
Breadbasket, indee<l ! " And so she sailed out. 



234 COX'S DIARY 

Jemmy hadn't a word ; she had grown mighty quiet shieB m 
had heen in misfortune : but my daughter looked as happy aa a 
queen ; and Tug, when he heard of the ship, gave a jump tint nearly 
knocked down poor Orkndo. ''Ah, I suppose 3rou'Il forget me 
now ? '^ says he, with a sigh ; and seemed the only unhaf^y pencil 
in company. 

" Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump,'' says my wife, with a great 
deal of dignity, " that, connected as we are, a young man hank in a 
work " 

" Woman ! " cried I (for once in my life determined to have my 
own way), '' hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been 
the ruin of us hitherto ; and, from this day. III have no more of it 
Hark ye, Orbndo, if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her ; 
and if youll take five hundred pounds for a half share of the shop^ 
they're yours ; and thafs for you, Mrs. Cox.'* 

And here we are, back again. And I write this from the M 
back shop, where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Oriando 
sits yonder, ])laiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as 
may be ; and Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you 
can imagine all day long, and are just now giving the finiabhig 
touches to the bridal-dresses : for the wedding is to take place the 
day after to-morrow. IVe cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this 
very day ; and as for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the 
Emperor of China and all his Tambarins. Last night we had a 
merry meeting of our friends and neighbours, to celebrate our re- 
appearance among them ; and xfTv merr>' we all were. We hail 
a capital fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy hour this 
morning. We begim with quadrills, but I never could do 'em well : 
and after that, to please Mr. Cnimp and his intendeil, we triwl a 
galloi>anl, which I found anything but easy ; for since I am come 
back to a life of ])eiicc and comfort, it's astonishing how stout I'm 
getting. So we tiime<l at once to what Jemmy and nie excels in — 
a anmtry dance : which is rather suq>rising, as we was both brought 
up to a town life. As for young Tug, he showetl off in a sailor's 
hompii)e : which Mrs. Cox says is ver>' proper for him to learn, 
now he is intended for the »ca. But stop I here comes in the 
punchbowls ; and if we are not happy, who is ? I say I am like tho 
Swish people, for I can't flourish out of my native hair. 



THE MEMOIRS 



or 



MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH 



THE MEMOIRS OF 

MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

SOMETIME FOOTMAN IN MANY GENTEEL FAMILIES 



MISS S HUM'S HUSBAND 



CHAPTER I 

I WAS born in the year one of the present or ChriBtian hera, 
and am, in conaquints, seyen-and-thirty years old. My mamma 
called me Charles James Harrington Fitzroy Yellow])Iu8h, in 
compliment to several noble families, and to a sellybratcd coochmin 
whom she knew, who wore a yellow Hvry, and drove the Lord 
Mayor of London. 

Why she gev me this genlmn's name is a diffiklty, or rayther 
the name of a iiart of his dress ; however, it's stuck to me through 
life, in which I was, as it were, a footman by buth. 

Praps he was my father — though on this subjict I can't speak 
suttinly, for my ma wrappe<i up my buth in a mistry. I may be 
illygitmit, I may have been changed at nuss ; but I've always had 
>renimnly tastes through life, and have no doubt that I come of a 
genlmnly origum. 

Tlie less I say about my parint the better, for the dear old 
creatur vfVA very good to me, and, I fear, had very little other 
goodness in her. Why, I can't say ; but I always passed as her 
nevyou. We led a strange life; sometimes ma was dressed in 
sattn and rooge, and sometimes in rags and dutt ; sometimes I got 
kisses, and sometimes kix ; sometimes gin, and sometimes sliampang ; 
law bless us ! how she used to swear at me, and cud<llc me ; there 
we were, quarrelling ami making up, sober and tipsy, starving and 
guttling by turns, just as ma got money or spent it But let me 
draw a vail over the seen, and speak of her no more — it a sfishant 



238 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

for the public to know, that her nonie was Miss Moatmormcyy and 
we lived in the New Ciit. 

My poor mother died one morning, Hern bless her ! and I ma 
left alone in this wide wicked widd, without so much money ai 
would buy me a penny roal for my bre3c£i£t. But there was some 
amongst our naybours (and let mc tell you there's more IHiMlnw 
among them poor disrepettable creaturs than in half-Ordosen kxdi 
or barr^'nets) who took pity upon poor Sal's orfin (for they bmt 
out laffin when I called her Miss Montmorency), and gev me bred 
and shelter. I'm afraid, in spite of their kindness, that my wwrriU 
wouldn't have improved if I'd stayed long among 'em. But a beany- 
violent genlmn saw me, and put me to school The academy which 
I went to was called the Free School of Saint Bartholomew's the 
Less — the young gcidnm wore green baize coats, yellow leather 
whatsisnames, a tin plate on the left arm, and a cap about the siae 
of a muffing. I stayed there sicks years ; from sicks, that is to 
say, till my twelth year, during three years of witch I distinguished 
myself not a little in the musiclc way, for I bloo the bellus of the 
church horgin, and very fine tunes we played too. 

Well, it's not worth recounting my jewvenile follies (what trix 
we used to play the applewoman ! and how we put snuff in the 
old Clark's Prayer-book — my eye !) ; but one day, a genlmn entered 
the school-room — it was on the very day when I went to subtnudon 
— and asked the master for a young lad for a servant They 
pitched upon me glad enough ; and nex day found me sleeping in 
the sculrj', close under the sink, at Mr. Bago s country-house at 
Penton^ille. 

Bago kep a sliop in Smith field market, and drov a taring good 
trade in the hoil and Italian v.ay. I've heard him say, that he 
cleared no less than fifty pounds ever}' year by letting his front 
room at hanging time. His binders looked right opsit Xewgit, 
and many and many dozen chaps has he seen hanging there. Laws 
was laws in the year ten, and they screwed chaps' nex for nex to 
nothink. But my bisniss was at his country-house, where 1 
made my first out raj/ into fashnabl life. I was knife, errint, and 
stable-bov tlien, and an't ashamed to own it : for mv merrits 
have raised me to what I am — two livries, forty pt>und a year, 
malt-licker, washin, silk-stocking, and wax candles — not counting 
wails, which is somethink pretty considerable at our house, I can 
tell you. 

I didn't stay long here, for a suckmstance happene<l wluch got 
me a very different situation. A liandsome young genlmn, who 
kep a tilbry and a ridin boss at livry, wanted a tiger. I bid at 
once for the place ; and, being a neat tidy-looking lad, he took me. 



MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 239 

Bago gave me a character, and he my first livry ; proud enough I 
was of it, as you may fancy. 

My new master had some business in the City, for he went in 
every morning at ten, got out of his tiibry at the Citty Road, and 
had it waiting for him at six ; when, if it was summer, he spajiked 
round into the Park, and drove one of the neatest turnouts there. 
Wery proud I was in a gold-hiced hat, a drab coat and a red weskit, 
to sit by his side, when he drove. I already began to ogle the gak 
in the carridges, and to feel that longing for fashionabl life which 
IVc had ever since. When he was at the oppera, or the play, 
down I went to skittles, or to White Condick Gardens; and Mr. 
Frederic Altamont's young man was somebody, I warrant: to be 
sure there is very few man-servants at Pentonwille, the poppylation 
being mostly gals of all work ; and so, though only fourteen, I was 
as much a man down there, as if I had been as old as Jenisalem. 

But the most singular thing was, that my master, who wb£ 
such a gay chap, should live in such a hole. He had only a ground- 
floor in John Street — a parlor and a bedroom. I slep over the way, 
and only came in with his boots and brexfast of a morning. 

The house he lodged in belonged to Mr. and Mrs. Shum. They 
were a poor but prolific couple, who had rented the place for many 
years ; and they and their family were squeezed in it pretty tight, 
I can tell you. 

Shum said he had been a hofficer, and so he had. He ha<l been 
a sub-deputy assistant vice-commissar}', or some such think ; and, 
as I heerd i^rwanls, had been obliged to leave on account of his 
nervcumeu. He was such a coward, the fsuct is, that he was con- 
sidered dangerous to the hanny, and sent home. 

He had married a widow Buckmaster, who had been a Miss 
Slamcoe. She was a Bristol gal ; and her father being a bankrup 
in the tallow-clumdlering way, left, in course, a pretty little sum of 
money. A thousand pound was settled on her: and she was as 
high and mighty as if it had been a millium. 

Buckmaster died, leaving nothink; nothink except four ugly 
daughters by Miss Slamcoe : and her forty pound a year was rayther 
a narrow income for one of her appytite and pretensions. In an 
unlucky hour for Shum she met him. He was a widower with a 
little daughter of three years old, a little house at Pentonwille, and 
a little income about as big as her own. I believe she bullyd the 
pocnr creature into marridge ; and it was agreed that he should 
let his ground-floor at John Street, and so add somethink to their 
means. 

They married ; and the widow Buckmaster was the grey mare, 
I can tell you. She was always talking and blustering about her 



240 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 



fiunly, tho celebrity of the Buckmastera, and the antickety of the 
Slamcoes. They had a six-roomed house (not oomnting kitdiing aad 
Bcuhry), and now twelve daughters in all; whixi. — 4 Mbh Biidc- 
masters: Miss Betsy, Miss Doey, Miss Biddy, and Mim \niiny; 
1 Miss Shiun, Mary by name, Shum's daughter, and mwea otlieti, 
who shall be nameless. Mrs. Shum was a &t red-haired woman, at 
least a foot taller than S., who was but a yard and a half hiigh 
pale-fiiced, red-nosed, knock-kneed, bald-headed, his noae and shot- 
frill all brown with snuffl 

Before the house was a little garden, where the washin of the 
fiunly was all ways hanging. There was so many of 'em that 
it was obliged to be done by relays. There was six raHs and a 
stocking on eacli, and four small goosbry bushes, alwaya corered 
with some bit of linning or other. The hall was a regular puddle : 
wet dabs of dishclouts flapped in your foi^e ; soapy smoking bits of 
flanning went nigh to choke you ; and while you were looking up 
to prevent hanging yourself with the rapes which were strung acrav 
and about, slap came the hedge of a pail against your shins, till one 
was like to be drove mad with hagony. The great slattnly doddling 
girls was always on the stairs, poking about witli nasty flower-pots, 
o-oooking something, or sprawling in the window-seats with greasy 
curl-papers, reading greasy novels. An infernal pianna was jingling 
from morning till night — two eldest Miss Buckmasters, " Battle <tf 
Prag " — six youngest Miss Shums, " In my Cottage," till I knew 
every note in the "Battle of Prag," and cusseil the day when 
" In my Cottage " was rote. The younger girls, too, were alwa3rB 
bounciu;^ and thumping about the house, with torn piun^'fores, and 
dogs-eanl grammars, and large jiieces of bread and treacle. I never 
see sueli a house. 

As for Mrs. Shum, she was such a fine lady, that she did 
nothink but lay on the drawing-room sophy, read novels, drink, 
scold, scream, and go into liystarrix. Little Shum kep reading an 
old newsjmper fn)m weeks' end to weeks' end, when he was not 
engageil in teaching the children, or goin for the beer, or cleanin 
the shoes : for they kei> no 8er>-ant. This house in John Street 
was in short a regular Pandymony. 

AMiat could have brought Mr. Freileric Altamont to dwel in 
such a pkce? The reason is hobviiis: he adoared the fust Miss 
Shum. 

And suttnly he did not show a bad taste ; for though the other 
daughters were as ugly as their hideous ma, Mary Shum was a 
pretty little pink mo<iest creatur, with glossy black hair and tender 
blue eyes, and a neck as white as plaster of Parish. She wore a 
dismal old black gownd, which had grown too short for her, and 



MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 341 

too tight ; but it only senred to show her pretty angles and foet, 
and bewchus figger. Master, though he had looked rather low for 
the gal of his art, had certainly looked in the right place. Never 
was one more pretty or more hamiable. I gav her always the 
buttered toast left from our brex&st, and a cup of tea or chocklate, 
as Altamont might fancy : and the poor thing was glad enough of 
it, I can vouch ; for they had precious short commons upstairs, and 
she the least of alL 

For it seemed as if which of the Shum fiimly should try to snub 
the poor thing most There was the four Buckmaster girls always 
at her. It was, Mary, git the coal-skittle ; Mary, run down to the 
public-house for the beer; Mary, I intend to wear your clean 
stockens out walking, or your new bonnet to church. Only her 
poor father was kind to her; and he, poor old muff! his kindness 
was of no use. Mary bore all the scolding like a hangel, as she 
was : no, not if she had a pair of wings and a goold tnunpet, coiUd 
she have been a greater hangel. 

I never shall forgit one seen that took place. It was when 
Master was in the City; and so, having nothink earthly to do, I 
happened to be listening on the stairs. The old scolding was 
a-going on, and the old tune of that hojus '* Battle of Prag." Old 
Shum made some remark ; and Miss Buckmaster cried out, " Law, 
pa ! what a fool you are ! " All the gals began latlin, and so did 
Mrs. Shum ; all, that is, excep Mary, who turned as rcd as flams, 
and going up to Miss Betsy Buckmaster, give her two such wax 
on her great red ears as made them tingle again. 

Old Mrs. Shum screamed, and ran at her like a Bengal tiger. 
Her great arms vent veeling about like a vinmill, as she cuffed and 
thumped poor Mary for taking her pa's part. Mary Shum, who 
was always a-crying before, didn't shed a tear now. " I will do it 
again," she said, " if Betsy insults my father." New thumps, new 
shreex ! and the old horridan went on bcatin the poor girl till she 
was quite exosted, and fell down on the sophy, puffin like a 
poppus. 

" For shame, Mary," began old Shum ; " for sliame, you naughty 
gal, you ! for hurting the feelings of your dear mamma, and beating 
your kin<l sister." 

" Why, it was because she calle<l you a " 

** If she did, you pert miss," wiid Shum, looking mighty digniti- 
fied, ** I could correct her, and not you." 

'* You correct me, indeed ! " said Miss Betsy, tumiug up her 
nose, if possible, higher than before ; " I should like to see you erect 
me ! Imiierence ! " and .they all began lalfin again. 

By this time Mrs. S. had recovered from the effex of her cxsixe, 



242 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 



and 8he began to pour in her wolly. Fust she called Maiy 
then Shum. 

"Oh, why," screeched she, "why did I ever leave a gented 
fiEimly, where I 'ad every ellygance and lucksiy, to many a 
creatur like this? He is unfit to be called a man, he la un- 
worthy to marry a gentlewoman : and as for that huasy; I diaown 
her. Thank Heaven she an't a Slamcoe ; she ia only fit to be a 
Shum ! " 

" That's true, mamma," said all the gals ; for their mother had 
taught them tliis pretty piece of manners, and they deapiaed their 
fikther heartily : indeed, I have always remarked that, in fiunliei 
where the wife is internally talking about the merits of her branch, 
the husband is invariably a spooney. 

Well, when she was exosted again, down she fell on the aofy, at 
her old trix — more screeching — more convulshuns : and she wouldn't 
atop, this time, till Shum had got her half a pint of her dd remedy 
from the " Blue Lion " over the way. She grew more easy ai she 
finished the gin ; but ^lary was sent out of the room, and told not 
to come back agin all day. 

" Miss Mary," says I, — for my heart yumed to the poor gal, 
as she came sobbing and miserable downstairs: "Misa Mary," 
Bays I, ** if I might make so bold, here's masters room empty, 
and I know where the cold bif and pickles is." " Oh, Cbariea ! " 
said she, nodding her head sadly, "I'm too retched to have any 
happy tite." And she flung herself on a chair, and began to cry fit 
to biist. 

At this moment, who should come in but my master. I had 
taken hold of 3Iiss Man's hand, 8t>mohow, and do believe I should 
have kist it, wlien. i\a I f«aid, Haltamont made his appearance. 
** What's this ? " cries he, lookin at me «is black as thunder, or as 
Mr. Phillii»s as Hickit, in tlie now tragedy uf Mac Buff. 

" It's only Miss Mar>*, sir," answerc<l I. 

" Get out, sir," says ho, as fion*o as jHxsbil : and I felt somethink 
(I think it w;i.s the tiji of his to) tou<*hing mo Miind, and foimd 
myself, nex niinit, sprawling among the wot flannings and buckets 
and things. 

The i)eoplo from upstairs came to see what was the matter, as I 
was cussin and cmng out. " It's only Charles, ma," screamed out 
Miss Botsv 

" Where's Marv ? ** savs Mrs. Shum, from the si^fv. 

" She's in mjistor's nx)m, missis," said I. 

" She's in the lodger's room, ma," crios Miss Shum, hccko- 
ing me. 

" Very good ; tell her to stay there till he comes back." And 



MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 243 

then Miss Shum went bouncing up the stairs again, little knowing 
of Haltamont's return. 

• •••••• 

I'd long before observetl that my master had an anchoring after 
Mary Shum ; indeed, as I have said, it was purely for her sake 
that ho took and kep his lodgings at Pentonwille. Excep for the 
sake of love, which is above being mersnary, fourteen shillings a 
wick was a little too strong for two such rat-holes as he lived in. 
I do blieve the famly had nothing else but their lodger to live on : 
they brekiisted off his tea-leaves, they cut away pounds and poimds 
of meat from his jints (he always dined at home), and his baker's 
bill was at least enough for six. But that wasn't my business. I 
saw him grin, sometimes, when I laid down the cold bif of a 
morning, to see how little was left of yesterday's sirline ; but he 
never said a syllabub : for true love don't mind a pound of meat or 
so hcxtra. 

At first, he was very kind and attentive to all the gals ; Miss 
Betsy, in partickler, grew mighty fond of him : they sat, for whole 
evenings, playing cribbitch, he taking his pipe and glas, she her tea 
and muffing; but as it was improper for her to come alone, she 
brought one of her sisters, and this was genrally Mary, — for he 
made a pint of asking her, too, — and one day, when one of the 
others came instead, he told her, very quitely, that he hadn't invited 
her ; and Miss Buckmaster was too fond of muffings to try this 
game on again : besides, she was jealous of her three grown sisters, 
and considered Mary as only a child. Law bless us ! how she used 
to ogle him, and quot bits of pottry, and play " Meet Me by 
Moonlike," on an old gitter : she reghu* flung herself at his head : 
but he wouldn't have it, bein better ockj-picd elsewhere. 

One night, as genteel as possible, he brought home ticrkets for 
•* Ashley's," and proposed to take the two young ladies — Miss Betsy 
and Miss Mary, in course. I recklect he called me aside that after- 
noon, assuming a solamon and misterus hare, "Charles," said he, 
are you up to snuff?" 

Why, sir," said I, " I'm genrally considered tolerably downy." 

"Well," says he, "111 give you half a suffering iif you can 
manage this bisness for mc; I've chose a rainy night on purpus. 
When the theater is over, you must be waitin with two umbrellows ; 
gire mc one, and hold the other over Miss Buckmaster : and, hark 
ye, sir, turn to the right when you leave the theater, and say the 
coach is ordered to stand a little way up the street, in order to get 
rid of the crowd." 

We went (in a fly hired by Mr. A.), and never shall I forgit 
CSutliche's hacting on that memrable night Talk of Kimble I talk 






CiTkU <.>•» mAw» 



244 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

of Magreedy! Ashley's for my money, with Oartiitdi in the 
principal part. But this is nothink to the porpus. When die pby 
was over, I was at the door with the nmbrelloB. It was niniqg 
cats and dogs, sure enough. 

Mr. Altamont came out presently, Miss Maiy under 
and Miss Betsy following behind, rayther sulky, 
cries I, pushin forward ; and I threw a great cloak oyer Misi Bet^y, 
fit to smother her. Mr. A. and Miss Mary skipped on and was oufc 
of sight when Miss Betsy's cloak was settled, you may be sure. 

" They're only gone to the fly, miss. It's a little wny up the 
street, away from the crowd of carridges." And off we tamed lo 
th^ righty and no mistake. 

After marchin a little through the plash and mud, " Has any- 
body seen Coxy's fly?" cries I, Tvith the most innocent haxent in 
the world. 

'* Cox's fly ! " hollows out one chap. *' Is it the vaggin yon 
want?" says another. "I see the blackin wan pass," giggles out 
another geulmn ; and there was such a hinterchange of complimentB 
as you never lieerd. I pass them over though, because some of 'em 
were not very genteel 

" Law, miss," said I, " what shall I do ? My master will never 
forgive me ; and I haven't a single sixpence to pay a coach." Mjsb 
Betsy was just going to call one when I said that ; but the coach- 
man wouldn't have it at that price, he said, and I knew very well 
that «A« hadn't four or five shillings to pay for a wehicle. So, in 
the midst of that tarin rain, at midniglit, we had to walk four 
miles, from Westminster Bridge to Pentonwille ; and what was 
wiiss, / didnH happen to know the icai/. A verj' nice walk it 
was, and no mistake. 

At about half-past two, we got safe to John Street My master 
was at the garden gate. Miss Mary flew into Miss Betsy s arms, 
wliile master began cussin and swearing at me for disobej-ing his 
onlers, and turnuuj to the right instead of to the left ! Law bless 
me I his hacting of hanger was very near as natral and as terrybl as 
Mr. Cartlich's in the phiy. 

They liad waite<l half-an-hour, he said, in the fly, in the little 
street at the left of the theater ; they liad drove up and down in 
the greatest fright possible ; and at la.st came home, thinking it was 
in vain to wait any more. They gave her 'ot nim-and-water and 
roast oysters for supper, and this consoled her a little. 

I hope nobody will cast an imputation on Miss Mary for her 
share in this adventer, for she was as honest a gal as ever lived, and 
I do believe is hignorant to tliis day of our little strattygim. 
Besides, all's fiiir in love ; and, as my master could never get to 



MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 



^45 



her alone, on account of her infernal eleven asten and ma, he took 
this opportunity of expressin his attachment to her. 

If he was in love with her before, you may be sure she paid it 
him back again now. Ever after the night at Ashley's, they were 
as tender as two tuttle-doves — which fully accounts for the axdent 
what happened to me, in being kicked out of the room : and in 
course I bore no mallis. 

I don't know whether Miss Betsy still £uicied that my master 
was in love with her, but she loved mufftngs and tea, and kem down 
to his parlor as much as ever. 

Now comes the singlar part of my history. 



CHAPTER II 

BUT who was this genlmn with a fine name — Mr. Frpderie 
Altamont? or what was he? The most mysteros genlmn 
tliat ever I knew. Once I said to him on a wery rainy day, 
*' Sir, shall I bring the gig down to your office 1 " and he gare me 
one of liis bkck looks and one of his loudest hoatlis, and told me 
to mind my own bizziness, and attend to my onlers. Another day, 
— it was on the ilay when "Mies Marj' slap|)ed Miss Betsy's fiice, — 
Miss M., who adoared him, as I have said already, kep on asking 
him what was his buth, parentidg, and cdiccation. " Dear Frederic," 
says she, ** why tliis mistry about yourself and your hactions T why 
hide frt)m your little Mary " — they were as tender as this, I can 
tell you — " your buth and your professin ? " 

I spose Mr. Frederic lookeil black, for I was onlt/ listening, and 
he said, in a voice hagitated by emotion, " Mary," said he, " if you 
love me, ask me this no more : let it be sfishnt for you to know that 
I am a honest man, and that a secret, what it would be misery for 
vou to lani, must hang over all mv actions — that is from ten o'clock 
tiU six." 

Tliey went on chafiin and talking in this melumcolly and 
mv.^teriLs wav, and I diiln't lose a wonl of what thev said; for 
thcni lious*\s ill Pentonwille have only walls made of ixisteboanl, 
and you hear rayther l)ettcr outside the n>r»ni than in. But, though 
he kep up his sei'R't, he swore to her liis affektion this day pint 
blank. Xotliing shiudd i)rcvent him, he said, from leading her to 
the halt^T, fn>in niakin her his ad«>arable wife. After this was a 
slight silence. "Dearest Fre<lcric," mummered out miss, speakin 
as if she was chokin, "I am vours — vours for ever." And then 
silence ai:»Mi, and one or two smax, as if there was kissin going on. 
Here I thouijjht it l)ost to give a rattle at the door-lock; for, as I 
live, there was old Mrs. Shum a-walkin down the stairs ! 

It ai>i>ears that one of the younger gjds, a-looking out of the 
1x*dnim window, had seen my master ci^nie in, and coming down 
to tea half-an-hour afterwards, said so in a tnissary way. Old Mrs. 
Shum, who wa.s a dragon of vertyou, cam bustling down the stairs, 
j)antin.i; au«l frowninir, as fat and iw fien-e as a old sow at feedin time. 

" Where's the lodger, fellow 1 " says she to me. 



MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 247 

I spoke loud enough to be heard down the street — " If you 
mean, ma'am, my master, Mr. Frederic Altamont, esquire, he's just 
stept in, and is puttin on clean shoes in his bedroom/' 

She said nothink in answer, but flumps past roe, and opening 
the parlor-door, sees master looking very queer, and Miss Mary 
a-drooping down her head like a pale lily. 

'* Did you come into my famly," says she, " to corrupt my 
daughters, and to destroy the hinnocenco of that in&mous gal T 
Did you come here, sir, as a seducer, or only as a lodger ] Speak, 
sir, speak ! '' — and she folded her arms quite fierce, and looked like 
Mrs. Siddums in the Tragic Mews. 

" I came here, Mrs. Shum," said he, " because I loved your 
daughter, or I never would have condescended to live in such a 
beggarly hole. I have treated her in every respect like a genlmn, 
and she is as innocent now, ma'm, as she was when she was bom. 
If she'll marry me, I am ready ; if shell leave you, she shall have 
a home where she shall be neither bullyd nor starved : no hangry 
frumps of sisters, no cross mother-in-law, only an afleckshnat husband, 
and all the pure pleasures of Hyming." 

Mary flung herself into his anns — ** Dear, dear Frederic," says 
she, " I'll never leave you." 

"Miss," says Mrs. Shum, **you ain't a Slamcoe, nor yet a 
Buckmaster, thank Grod. You may marry this person if your pa 
thinks proper, and he may insult me — brave me — trample on my 
feelinx in my own house — and there's no-o-o-obody by to defend me." 

I knew what she was going to be at: on came her liistarrix 
agcn, and she began screechin and roarin like mad. Down comes 
of course the eleven gals and old Shum. There was a pretty row. 
'* Look here, sir," says she, " at the conduck of your precious trull 
of a daughter — alone with this man, kissing and dandlin, and Lawd 
knows wliat besides." 

" What, he 1 " cries Miss Betsy — " he in love with Mary Oh, 
the wretch, the monster, the deceiver ! " — and she falls down too, 
screeching away as loud as her mamma; for the silly creature 
fiuicied still that Altamont had a fondness for her. 

" Silence these tpomen ! " shouts out Altamont, thundering loud. 
•* I love your daughter, Mr. Shum. I will take her without a penny, 
and can aflford to keep her. If you don't give her to me, shell 
oome of her own will. Is tliat enough ?— may I have her ? " 

" We'll talk of this matter, sir," says Mr. Shum, looking as high 
and mighty as an alderman. "Gals, go ujietairB with your dear 
mamma." — And they all trooped up again, and so the skrinunage 
ended. 

You may be sure that old Shum was not very sorry to get a 



%^% MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

hosband for his daughter Mary, for the old creatur lored her better 
than all the pack wliich had been brought him or bom to him by Mra. 
Buckmaater. But, strange to say, when he came to talk of settle- 
ments and so forth, not a word would my master answer. He said 
he made four hundred a year reglar — he wouldn't tell how — but 
Mary, if she married him, must share all that he had, and ask no 
questions ; only this he would say, as he'd said before, that he was 
a honest man. 

They were married in a few days, and took a yeiy genteel bouse 
at Islington ; but still my master went away to business, and no- 
body knew where. Who could he be 1 



CHAPTER III 

IF ever a young kipple in the middlin classes began life with a 
chance of happiness, it was Mr. and Mrs. Frederic Altamont. 
Their house at Cannon Row, Islington, was as comfortable as 
house could be. Carpited from top to to; pore's rates small; 
fumitur elygant ; and three deomestix : of which I, in course, was 
one. My life wasn't so easy as in Mr. A.'s bachelor days ; but, 
what then 1 The three Ws is my maxum : plenty of work, plenty 
of wittles, and plenty of wages. Altamont kep his gig no longer, but 
went to the City in an omlibuster. 

One would have thought, I say, that Mrs. A, with such an 
effeckshnut husband, might have been as liappy as her blessid 
migisty. Nothing of the sort For the fust six months it was all 
very well ; but then she grew gloomier and gloomier, though A did 
everythink in life to please her. 

Old Shum used to come reglarly four times a wick to Cannon 
Row, where he lunched, and dined, and teed, and supd. The pore 
little man was a thought too fond of wine and spirits ; and many 
and many's the night that I've had to support him home. And 
you may be sure that Miss Betsy did not now desert her sister : she 
was at our phice momink, noon, and night ; not much to my 
maystcr's liking, though he was too good-natured to wex his wife 
in trifles. 

But Betsy never had forgotten the recollection of oM days, and 
hatod Altamont like the foul feind. She put all kind of bad things 
into the head of poor innocent missis ; who, from being all gaiety 
and cheerfulness, grew to be quite melumcolly and jNile, and retchiil, 
just as if she had been the most misrablc woman in the world. 

In three months more a baby comes, in course, and with it old 
Mrs. Shum, who stuck to Mrs.' side as close as a wamjiire, and 
made her rctchider and retchider. She usc<l to biiKt into tears 
when Altamont came home : she use<l to sigh and wheop over the 
pore child, and say. "My child, my child, your father is false to 
me ; * or, " your father deceives me ; " or, " what will you do when 
your fiore mother is no more T " or such like sentimental stuff. 

It all came from Mother Shum, and her old trix, as I soon found 
out The feet is, when there is a mistry of this kind in the house. 



2SO MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

i^s a servant's duty to listen ; and listen I did, one day when Mra. 
was cryin as usual, and &t Mrs. Shum a sittin oonsolin her, as she 
called it : though, Heaven knows, she only grew wuss and wuas for 
the consolation. 

Well, I listened ; Mrs. Shum was a-rockin the baby, and miaris 
cryin as yousuaL 

" Pore dear innocint," says Mrs. S., heavin a great sigh, '' yoa're 
the child of an unknown &ther and a misrable mother." 

" Don't speak ill of Frederic, mamma^" says missis ; " he is all 
kindness to me." 

" All kindness, indeed ! yes, he gives you a fine house, and a 
fine gownd, and a ride in a fly whenever you please ; but where 
does all his money come from ? Who is he — what is he 1 Who 
knows that he mayn't be a murderer, or a housebreaker, or a 
utterer of foiged notes? How can he make his money honesUy, 
when he won't say where he gets it ? Why does he leave you eight 
hours every blessid day, and won't say where he goes to? Oh, Maiy, 
BCary, you arc the most injured of women ! " 

And with this Mrs. Shum began sobbin ; and Miss Betsy began 
yowling like a cat in a gitter ; and pore missis cried, too — tears is so 
remarkable infeckshus. 

" Perhaps, mamma^" wimpered out she, " Frederic is a shopboy, 
and don't like me to know that he is not a gentleman." 

" A shopboy," says Betsy ; " he a shopboy ! no, no, no ! 
more likely a wretched willain of a munlerer, stabbin and robing 
all day, and feedin you '^^ith the fruits of his ill-gotten games ! " 

More crj'ing and screechin here took place, in wliich the baby 
joined ; and made a very pretty consort, I can tell you. 

" He can't be a robber," cries missis ; " he's too good, too kind 
for that : besides, murdering is done at night, and Frederic is 
always home at eight." 

" But he can be a forger," says Betsy, " a wicked, wicked foirftr. 
Why does he go away every day ? to forge notes, to be sure. Why 
does he go to the City? to be near banks and places, and so do 
it more at his convenience." 

" But he brings home a sum of money every day — about thirty 
shillings — sometimes fifty : and then he smiles, and says it's a good 
day's work. This is not like a forger," sail I i)ore Mrs. A. 

" I have it — I have it ! " screams out Mrs. S. " The villain — 
the sneaking double-faced Jonas ! he's married to somebody else, he 
is, and that's why he leaves you, the base biggymist I " 

At this, Mrs. Altamont, struck all of a heap, fainted clean away. 
A dreadful business it was — hystarrix : then hystarrix, in course, 
from Mrs. Shum; belb ringin, child squalin, suwants tearin up 



MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 251 

and down stain with hot water ! If ever there is a nooeance in the 
world, it's a house where faintaiu is always goin on. I wouldn't 
live in one, — no, not to be groom of the chambers, and git two 
hundred a year. 

It was eight o'clock in the evenin when this row took place; 
and such a row it was, that nobody but me heard master's knock. 
He came in, and heard the hooping, and screeching, and roaring. 
He seemed very much frightened at first, and said, " What is it ] " 

"Mrs. Shum's here," says I, "and Mrs. in astarrix." 

Altamont looked as black as thunder, and growled out a wonl 
which I don't hke to name — let it suffice that it begins with a d 
and ends with a nation ; and he tore upstairs like mad. 

He bust open the bedroom door ; missis lay quite pale and 
stony on the sofy; the babby was screechin from the craddlc; 
Miss Betsy was sprawlin over missis ; and Mrs. Shum half on the 
bed and half on the ground : all howlin and squeelin, like so many 
dogs at the moond. 

When A. came in, the mother and daughter stopped all of a 
sudding. There had been one or two tifiEs before between them, and 
they feared him as if he had been a hogre. 

" What's this infernal screeching and crying about ? " says he. 
"Oh, Mr. Altamont," cries the old woman, "you know too well; 
it's about you that this darling child is misrabblc ! " 

" And why about me, pray, madam ] " 

" Why, sir, dare you ask why 1 Because you deceive her, sir ; 
because you are a false cowardly traitor, sir ; because you have a 
wife elsetchere, sir ! " And the old lady and Miss Betsy began to 
roar again as loud as ever. 

Altamont pawsed for a minnit, and then flung the door wide 
open ; nex he seized Miss Betsy as if his hand were a vice, and he 
world her out of the room ; then up he goes to Mrs. S. " Get up," 
says he, thundering loud, "you lazy, trollopping, mischief-making, 
lying old fool ! Get up, and get out of this house. You have been 
the cuss and bain of my happy niss since you entered it. With your 
d — d lies, and novvle reading, and histerrix, you have perwerted 
Mary, and made her almost as mad as yourself" 

" My child ! my child ! " shriex out Mrs. Shuni, and chngs 
round missis. But Altamont ran between them, and griping the 
old lady by her arm, dragged her to the door. " Follow your 
daughter, ma'm," says he, and down she went "C^<iir/«, see 
those ladies to the door" he hollows out, " and never let them pass 
it again." We walked down together, and off they went : and 
master locked and double-locked the bedroom door after him, intcndin, 
of ooune, to have a UUorAaior (as they say) with his wife. You 



252 MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

may be sure that I followed upetairs again pretty quick, to hmx the 
result of their confidence. 

As they say at St. Steveneses, it was rayther a stcnmy debaftSL 
'' Mary," says master, '* you're no longer the merry grateful gd I 
knew and loved at Pentonwill : there's some secret a pressin on you 
— there's no smilin welcom for me now, as there used fbrmly to be ! 
Your mother and sister-in-law have perwerted you, Mary : and that's 
why I've drove them from this house, which they shall not re-enter 
in my life." 

" Frederic ! it's you is the cause, and not I. Why do you 
have any mistry from me ? Where do you spend your days T Why 
did you leave me, even on the day of your marridge, for eig^t hom^ 
and continue to do so every day 1 " 

"Because," says he, "I makes my livelihood by it I leave 
you, and don't tell you hoia I make it : for it would make you none 
the happier to know." 

It was in this way the convysation ren on — more tears and 
questions on my missises part, more sturmness and silence cm my 
master's : it ended for the first time since their marridge, in a r^^^ 
quarrel. Wcry difrent, I can tell you, from all the hammerous 
billing and kewing which had proceeded their nupshuls. 

Master went out, slamming the door in a fiu^; as well he 
might. Says he, '* If I can't liave a comforable life, I can have a 
jolly one ; " and so he ^'ent off to the hod tavern, and came home 
that evening beesly intawsicatecL When high wonls begin in a 
fiimily, drink generally follows on the genlman's side; and then, 
fearwell to all coi\jubial happyniss ! These two pipple, so fond and 
loving, were now sirly, silent, and full of il wil. Master went out 
earlier, and came home later ; missis cried more, and looked even 
paler than before. 

Well, things went on in this uncomfortable way, master stiU in 
the mopes, missis tempted by the deamons of jellosy and curosity ; 
until a singkr axident brought to light all the goings on of Mr. 
Altamont. 

It was the tenth of January' ; I recklect the day, for old Shum 
gev me half-a-crownd (the fust and last of his money I ever see, by 
the way) : he was dining along with master, and they were making 
merry together. 

Master said, as he was mixing his fifth tumler of punch and 
little Shum his twelfth or so — master said, " I see you twice in the 
City to-day, Mr. Shum." 

" Well, that's curous ! " says Shum. * I was in the City. 
To-day's the day when the diwydins (GJod bless 'em) is paid ; an<l 
me and 'Mrs. S. went for our half-year's inkem. But we only got 



MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 



*S3 



oat of the coach, crosBed the street to the Bank, took our money, 
and got in agen. How could you see me twice 1 " 

Altamont stuttered and stammered and hemd, and hawd. " ! * 
says he, '* I was passing — passing as you went in and out." And 
he instantly turned the conveisation, and began talking about polly- 
tiz, or the weather, or some such stuff. 

" Yes, my dear," said my missis, ** but how could you see papa 
twice t " Master didn't answer, but talked polly tix more than ever. 
Still she would continy on. " Where was you, my dear, when you 
saw pa 7 What were you doing, my love, to see pa twice 1 " and 
so forth. Master looke<l angrier and angrier, and his wife only 
pressed him wuss and wuss. 

This was, as I said, little Shum's twelfth tumler ; and I knew 
pritty well that he could git Tcry little further ; for as reglar as the 
thirteenth came, Shum was drunk. The thirteenth did come, and 
its consquinzeSb I was obliged to leed him home to John Street, 
where I left him in the hangry arms of Mrs. Shum. 

"How the d — ," sayd he all the way, "how the d-dd — the 
deddy — deddy — devil — could he have seen me tuncc t " 



CHAPTER IV 

IT was a sad slip on Altamont's part, for no sooner did he go oat 
the next morning than missis went out toa She tor down the 
street, and never stopped till she came to her jmi's house at 
PentonwilL She was clositid for an hour with her ma> and iriien 
she left her she drove straight to the City. She walked before the 
Bank, and behind the Bank, and round the Bank : she came home 
disperrytcd^ having leame<l nothink. 

And it was now an extraordinary thing that from Sham's hooae 
for the next ten days there was nothing but expyditions into the 
City. Mrs. S., tho' her dropsicle l^s hod never carred her half 00 
fur before, was eternally on the hey veve^ as the French say. If 
she didn't go, Miss Betsy did, or missis did : they seemed to have 
an attrackshun to the Bank, and went there as natral as an omlibus. 

At last one day, old Mrs. Shum comes to our house — (she wasn't 
admitted when master was there, but came still in his absints) — 
and she wore a hair of tryumph, as she entere<l. " Mar>'," says 
she, " whore is the money your husbind brouglit to you yesterday? " 
My master used always to give it to missis wlicn he returned. 

" The money, ma ! " says 3Iary. " Why liere ! " And pulling 
out her puss, she showed a sovrin, a good heap of silver, and an 
odd-looking little coin. 

"That's it I that's it!" cried Mrs. S. "A Queene Anne's 
sixpence, isn't it, dear — dated seventeen hundre<l and three ? " 

It was so sure enough : a Queen Ans sixpence of that very date. 

'* Now, my love," says she, " I liave found him ! Come with 
me to-morrow, and you shall know all I '* 

And now comes the end of mv 8tor\'. 

• •••••• 

The ladies nex morning set out for the City, and I walked 
behind, doing the genteel thing, with a nosegy and a goold stick. 
We walked down the New Road — we walked down the City 
Road — we walked to tlie Bank. We were crossing from that 
heddyfiz to the other side of Comhill, when all of a sudden missis 
shreeked, and fainte<l sjwntaceously away. 

I rushed forrard, an<l raised her to my arms, spiling thereby a 



■r"^ 



MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 155 

new weskit and a pair of crimson smalclocs. I rushed forrard, I 
say, very nearly knocking down the old sweeper who was hobbling 
away as fiast as posiblL We took her to Birch's ; we provided her 
with a hackney-coach and every lucksury, and carried her home to 
Islington. 

• •••••• 

That niglit master never came home. Nor the nex night, nor 
the nex. On the fourth day an octioneer arrived ; he took an 
infantry of the fumitur, and placed a bill in the window. 

At the end of the wick Altamont made his appearance. He 
was haggard and pale ; not so haggard, however, not so pale as his 
miBenible wife. 

He looked at her very tendrilly. I may say, it's from him that 

I coppicd my look to Miss He looked at her very tendrilly 

and held out his arms. She gev a sufifycating shrcek, and rusht 
into his umbraces. 

" Mar}'," says he, " you know all now. I have sold my place ; 
I have got three thousand pounds for it, and saved two more. I've 
sold my house and Aimitur, and that brings me another. Well 
go abroad and love each other, has formly." 

And now you ask me, Who he was! I shudder to relate. 
— Mr. Haltamont swep the crossing from the Bank to 

CORNHILL ! ! 

Of cora, / left his servis. I met him, few years after, at 
Badden-Badden, where he and Mr9. A were much respectid and 
pass for pipple of propaty 



THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCEACB 



DIMOND CUT DIMOND 

THE name of my nex maflter was, if posbil, still more eDyguit 
and youfonious than that of my fust. I now found myidf 
boddy servant to the Honrabble Halgemon Percy Deuoeftoe^ 
youngest and fifth son of the Earl of Crabs. 

Halgemon was a barrystir — that is, he lived in Pump Gort, 
Temple : a wulgar naybrood, witch praps my readers don't no. 
Suffiz to say, it's on the confines of the Citty, and the choaaen 
aboad of the lawyers of this metrappolish. 

When I say that Mr. Deuceace was a barrystir, I don't mean 
that he went sesshums or surcoats (as they call 'em), but simply 
that he kep chambers, lived in Piunp Cort, and looked out for a 
conunitionarship, or a revisinship, or any other place tliat the Wig 
guwyment could give him. HLb fiither was a Wig pier (as the 
landriss told me), and liad been a Toary pier. The fock is, his 
Lordship was so poar, that he would be anythink or nothink, to 
get provisions for his sons and an inkum for himself. 

I phansy that he aloud Halgemon two hundred a year ; and it 
would have been a very comforable maintenants, only he knever 
paid him. 

Owevcr, the young genlmn was a genlmn, and no mistake ; he got 
his allowents of nothing a year, and spent it in the most honrabble 
and fashnabble manner. He kep a kab — he went to Holmax — and 
Crockfud's — he moved in the most xquizzit suckles and trubbld the 
law boox very little, I can tell you. Those fashnabble gents have 
ways of getten money, witch comiuan pipple doan*t understantL 

Though he only had a thenl floar in Pump Cort, he lived as if he 
had the wclth of Cresas. The tenpun notes floo abowt as common 
as ha}7)incc — clarrit and shampang was at his house as vulgar as gin ; 
and verry glad I was, to be sure, to be a valley to a zion of tlie nobillaty. 

Deuceace had, in his sittin-room, a large pictur on a sheet of 
paper. The names of his family was wrote on it : it was wrote in 
the shape of a tree, a-groin out of a man-in-armer's stomick, and 



THE AHOtTRS OF UR DEUCEACE 357 

the DameB were on little plates amoDg the bows. The pictur aaid 
that the Deuceaccs kem into England in the year 1066, along with 
William ConqueruiiH. My inaater calle<I it hit podygree. I do 
bleev it was because he had this pictur, and because he vas the 
Jfonra/tble Deuceace, tliat he mannitched to live as he did. If he 
had been a coounon man, you'd have said he was no better than a 
Bwiuler. It's only rank and biith that can warmnt such suigularitiee 
as my master show'd. For it's no use disgj'sing it — the Honrabble 
Halgemon was a gambler. For a man of wulgar &mily, it's the 
wuBt trade that can be — for a man of common fe«linx of honesty, 
this profeBsion is quite iniposbil ; but for a real thorough brea<l 
gealmn, it's the esiest anil most prophctable line he can take. 

It may praps appear curious that such a fashnnliblc man should 
live in the Temple ; but it must be rccklected, tliat it's not only 
lawyers who live in what's called the Ins of Cort. Many batchylers, 
who have nothink to do with lor, have here thi^ir loginx ; and many 
■ham bonysters, who never put on a wig and gownd twise in their 
lives, kip apartments in the Temple, instead of Bon Street, Ptckle- 
dilly, or other foshnabble places. 

Frinstance, on our stairkis (so these houses are called), there was 
8 teta of chanibersea, anil only 3 lawyers, Thc« was bottom floar, 
StrewBon, Hewson, and Jewson, attorneys ; tust floor, Mr. Sergeant 
Flabber — opeite, Mr. Counslor Brulfy ; and secknd pair, Mr. Uagger- 
■tony, an Irish oounslor, praktising at the Old Baly, and lickwise what 
they call reporter to the Morning Post nyouspapper. Opeite him 
wu wrote 

HR. RICHAKD BLZWITT ; 

and on the thud floar, with my master, lived one Mr. Dnwkins. 

This young fellow was a new-comtr into the Teni)ile, and un- 
lucky it waa for him to<v — he'd better have never been bom ; for 
it'» my firm apinion that the Temple ruined him~that is, with the 
help aS my master and Mr. Dick Blewitt : as you shall hear. 

Hr. Dawkins, as I vtM gave to understand by his young man, 
had jest left the Univereary of Oifonl, and had a pretty little fortn 
of hia own^six thousand pnimd, or t« — in the stox. He was jest 
of age, an orfin who liad lost his father an<l mother : and liaving 
(liatinkwished hisself at Collitch, where he gained srffntl priien, was 
came to town to push his fortn, and stixly the barryster'N bisneas. 

Not bein of a very high famraly hiSBelf — indeeil, I've heard say 
hia bther was a chismonger, or soniethink of tliat in sort — Dawkins 
WM jtbd to find his old Oxford frcnd, Mr. Blewitt, yonger ton to 
lidi Bqoire Blewitt, of Listershiie, and to take rooms to near him. 

Now, tho' there was a considdiable intimacy between me and 



258 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

Mr. Blewitt's gentleman, there was scarcely any betwixt our masten, 
— ^mine being too much of the aristoxy to associate with one of Mr. 
Blewitt's sort. Blewitt was what they call a bettin man ; he went 
rcglar to Tattlesall's, kep a pony, wore a white hat, a blue berd'a- 
eye handkercher, and a cut-away coat. In his manners he was the 
very contrary of my master, who was a slim ellygant man as erer I 
see — he had very white hands, rayther a sallow face, with ahaip 
dark ise, and small wiskus neatly trimmed and as black as Wanen's 
jet — he spoke very low and soft — ^he seemed to be watchin the 
person with whom he was in convysation, and always flatterd 
everybody. As for Blewitt, he was quite of another aort. He 
was always swcarin, singing, and slappin people on the back, as 
hearty as posbill. He seemed a merry, careless, honeat cretor, 
whom one would trust with life and soul. So thought Dawkinai at 
least ; who, though a quiet young num, fond of his boox, noTrks^ 
Byron's poems, floot-playing, and such like scientafic amuaemints, 
grew hand in glove with honest Dick Blewitt, and soon after with 
my master, the Honrabble Halgemon. Poor Daw ! he thou^t he 
was makin good connexions and real friends — he had mllen in with 
a couple of the most etrocious swinlers that ever lived. 

Before Mr. Dawldns's arrivial at our house, Mr. Deooeaoe bad 
barely condysended to speak to Mr. Blewitt ; it was only abmit a 
month after that suckumstance that my master, all of a sodding; 
grew very friendly 'with him. The reason was pretty dear, — Deuoeaoe 
scanted him. Dawk ins had not been an hour in master's company 
before he knew that he had a pidgin to pluck. 

Ble^iitt knew this too : and bein ver>' fond of pidgin, intended to 
keep this one entirely to himself. It was amusin to see the Hon- 
rabble Halgemon manuvring to get this poor bird out of Blewitt *8 
clause, wlio thought he had it safe. In fact, he*d brought Dawkins 
to these chambers for that ver>' j)orpos, thinking to have him under 
his eye, and strip him at leisure. 

My master very smm found out what was Mr. Blewitt's game, 
(ramblers know gamblers, if not by instink, at least by reputation ; 
and though Mr. Blewitt moved in a much lower speare than Mr. 
Deuceace, tlicy knew each other s dealins and caractera puffickly welL 

" Charles, you scoiuuln?!,'' says Deuceace to me one day (he always 
spoak in that kind way), ^^who is this person that haJs taken the 
opsit cliambcrs, and plays the floot so iuilustnisly ? " 

" It's Mr. Dawkins, a rich young gentleman from Oxford, and 
a great friend of Mr. Blewittses, sir," says I ; " they seem to live in 
eacli others rooms." 

Master said nothink, but he griiid — my eye, how he did grin. 
Not the fowl find liimself could snear more satannickly. 



THE AHOURS OF UK BEUCEAGE 



»S9 



I knew what be meant ; 

Impriiuish. A man who plays the floot ia a simpleton. 

Secknly. Ur. Blewitt ia a laakle. 

Thinlmo. When a raskle and a simpleton is always together, and 
when the simpleton is rick, one knows pretty well what will come of it 

I was but a lad in them days, but I knew what was what, as 
well as my niaat«r; it's not gentlemen only that's up to snough. 
Law bless us ! there was four of us on this stairkes, four as nice young 
men as you ever sec : Mr. BruffT's young man, Ur. Dawkinses, Ur. 
Blewitt's, and me — and wc knew what our masters was about aa 
well as they did theirselfs. Frinstance, I can say this for myidf, 
there wasn't a paper in Deuceace's desk or drawer, not a bill, a note, 
or mimerandum, which I hadn't read aa well ns he : with Blewitt's it 
was the same — mo and his yoimg man used to read 'em alL There 
wasn't a bottle of wine that we didn't get a glass out of, nor a pound 
of sugar that we didn't have some lumps of it Wc had keys to all 
the cubbards — wc pipped into all the letters that kem and went — 
we pored over all the bill-tiles — we'd the best pickens out of the 
dinners, the lirvers of the fowls, the fbrcemit balls out of the soup, 
the egs from the sallit As for the cools and candles, we Icfl them 
to the landris«8. You may call this robry — nonsince— it's only our 
rights — a survont's purquizzits is as sacred as the laws of Hengland. 

Well, the long and ^ort of it is this. Richard Blewitt, esquire, 
was sityouate^l as follow : He'd an incum of three hundcrd a year from 
his bther. Out of this he had to pay one hunderd and ninety for 
money borrowed by him at coilidge, seventy for chambers, seventy 
more for his boss, aty tor his suwant on bord wagis, and about three 
hunderd and Sfly for a sepparat establishment in the Begency Park ; 
beside* thia, his pockit-raoney, say a hunderd, his catin, drinkin, and 
wine-marchant's bill, about two hunderd moor. So that you see he 
bid by a pretty handsome sum at the end of the year. 

Sly master was diffrent ; and being a more fashnable man than 
Ur. B., in oouise he owed a deal more mony. There was fust : — 



Account eotUray, at Orockford's 

Bills of schaoge and I.O.U.'s (but he 

didn't pay thcae in most cascx) 
21 tkilon' bilh^ m all . 
3 bondealers' do. . 
2 coachbuilder .... 
Bills cfmtractcd at Cambridtch 
Sundries . . 



£3711 



26o MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

I give this as a curosity — pipplc doan't know how in manj 
cases £Eishnabble life is carried on ; and to know even what a ml 
genlmn otves is somethink instructif and agreeable. 

But to my tail. The very day after my master had made the 
inquiries concerning Mr. Dawkins, witch I mentioned already, he 
met Mr. Blewitt on the stairs; and byoatiffle it was to aee ham 
this genlmn, who had before been almost cut by my nottrter, was now 
received by him. One of the sweetest smiles I ever saw was now 
vizzablc on Mr. Deuceace's countenance. He held oat his handy 
covered with a white kid glove, and said, in the moat ficnly tone of 
vice posbill, "What? Mr. Blewitt? It is an age since we met 
What a shame that such near naybors should see each other so 
seldom ! '' 

Mr. Blewitt, who was standing at his door, in a pe-green 
dressing-gown, smoaking a segar, and singing a hunting ooarus^ 
looked surprised, flattered, and then suspicious. 

" Why, yes," says he, " it is, Mr. Deuocace, a long time." 

" Not, I think, since we dined at Sir G^eoige Hookey's. By- 
the-byc, what an evening tliat was — hay, Mr. Blewitt I What wine! 
wliat capital songs ! I recollect yoiu* ' May-day in the morning ' — 
cuss me, the best comick song I ever heanl. I was speaking to the 
Duke of Doncaster about it onlv yesterdav. You know the Duke, 
I think?" 

Mr. Blewitt said, quite surly, " No, I don't." 

" Not know him I " cries master ; " why, hang it, Blewitt ! he 
knows you; as every Bix)rting man in England does, I shoulil 
think. Why, man, your good things are in everybody's mouth at 
Newmarket." 

An<l so master went on chaffin Mr. Blewitt. Tliat genlnm at 
ftist answere<I him quite short and angrj* : but, after a little more 
fluiimiery, be grew as ple.isal as posbill, tcx)k in all Deuceace s flatry, 
and bleeved all his lies. At last tlie door shut, and they both went 
into Mr. Blewitt's chaml>ers together. 

Of course I Ciui't say wiiat inist there ; but in an hour master 
kem up to his own room as yaller as mustanl, and smelhn sadly of 
backo-smoke. I never see any genlmn more sick than he was: 
he^d been smoakhi sea/jars along with Blewitt. I said nothink, in 
course, tho' Fd often heanl him xpress his borrow of backo, and 
knew very well he would as mow swallow pizon as smoke. But he 
wasn*t a chap to do a thing without a reason : if he*d been smoukin, 
I warrant he ha<l smoketl to some iwrjnis. 

I didn't hear the convysation lietwean 'em ; but Mr. Blcwitt's 
man did : it was, — " Well, Mr. Blewitt, what capital seagars I 
Have you one for a friend to smoak ? " (The old fox, it wasn't only 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 261 

the seagars he was a-cunoakin !) " Walk in," says Mr. Blcwitt ; 
and they began a-chaffin together ; master very ankshous about the 
young gintleman who hacl come to live in our chambers, Mr. 
Dawkins, and always coming bock to that subject, — saying that 
people on the same stairkis ot to be frenly ; how glad he*d be, for 
his part, to know Mr. Dick Blewitt, and any friend of his, and so 
on. Mr. Dick, howsever, seamed quite aware of the trap laid for 
him. " I really don't know this Dawkins," says he : " he's a chis- 
monger's son, I hear; and tho Fve exchanged visits with him, I 
doan't intend to continyou the acquaintance, — not wishin to assoshate 
with that kind of pipple." So they went on, master fishin, and 
Mr. Blewitt not wishin to take the hook at no price. 

** Confound the vulgar thief ! " muttard my master, as he was 
laying on his sophy, after being so very ill ; " IVe poisoned myself 
with his infernal tobacco, and lie has foiled me. The cursed swindling 
boor ! he thinks hell ruin this poor cheesemonger, does he ? Til 
step in, and toam him." 

I thought I should bust a-laffin, when he talked in this style. 
I knew very well what his " warning " meant, — lockin the stable- 
door but stealin the boss fust. 

Next day, his strattygam for becoming acquainted with Mr. 
Dawkins we exicuted ; and very pritty it was. 

Besides potry and tho flute, Mr. Dawkins, I must tell you, had 
some other parshallities — wiz., he was very fond of goo«l eatin and 
drinkin. After doddling over his music and boox all day, this 
young genlmn used to sally out of evenings, dine sumptiously at a 
tavern, drinkin all sots of wine along with his friend Mr. Blewitt. 
He was a quiet young fellow enough at fust ; but it was Mr. B. 
who (for his own |K)rpuse8, no <loubt) hail got him into this kind of 
life. Well, I nee<ln't say that he who eats a fine dinner, and drinks 
too much overnight, wants a bottle of soda-water, and a gril, praps, 
in the morning. Such was Mr. Dawkinses case ; and reglar almost 
as twelve o'clock came, the waiter from " Dix Coffy-house " was to 
be seen on our stairkis, bringing up Mr. D.'s hot breakfast. 

No man would have thought there was anythink in such a 
trifling cirkumstance ; master did, though, and pounced ujM>n it 
like a cock on a barlycom. 

He sent me out to Mr. Morell's in Pickledilly, for wot's called 
a Strasbug-pie— in French, a "patty defau graw." He takes a 
card, and nails it on the outsiile case (patty defaw ^o^ws come 
generally in a round wooden box, like a (Irumb) ; and what do you 
think he writes on it ? why, as folios : — " F(tr the Honourable 
Algernon Percy Deuceace^ <tc, <tc, <tc. With Prince Talleyrand s 
complimenU/* 



262 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 



Prince Tallynun's complimints, indeed ! I laff when I think of 
it, still, the old surpint ! He was a surpint, that Denoeaoe^ and no 
mistake. 

Well, by a most cxtromary piece of ili-luck, the nex diy 
punctially as Mr. Dawkinscs brexfas was coming t^i the stain^ 
Mr. Halgemon Percy Dcuceaoe was going down. He waa as giy 
as a lark, humming an Oppra tune, and twizstiug round his heftd 
his bevy gold-headed cane. Down he went very ftst, and by a 
most unlucky axdent struck his cane against the waiter^s tny, and 
away went Mr. Dawkinses gril, kayann, kitchup, sodarwater and 
all ! I can't think how my master should have choos such an exact 
time ; to be sure, his windo looked upon the cort, and he coold see 
every one who came into our door. 

As soon as the axdent had took place, master was in such a 
rage as, to be sure, no man ever was in befor ; he swoor at the 
waiter in the most dreddfle way ; he threatened him with his stick, 
and it was only when he see that the waiter was rayther a bigger 
man than hisself that he was in the least pazzyfied. He returned 
to his own chambres ; and John, the waiter, went off for more gril 
to Dixes Coffy-house. 

"This is a most imlucky axdent, to be sure, Charies," says 
master to me, after a few minits paws, during witch he had been 
and wrote a note, put it into an anvelope, and scaled it with liis 
big seal of arms. "But stay — a thought strikes me — take this 
note to Mr. Dawkins, and that pye you brought yesterday ; and 
hearkye, you scoundrel, if you say where you got it I will break 
every bone in your skin ! " 

These kind of pronmiises were among the few which I knew 
him to keep : and as I loved boath my skinn and my boans, I 
carried the noat, and of cors said nothink. Waiting in Mr. 
Dawkinses chambus for a few minnits, I returned to my master 
^vith an anser. I may as well give both of these documence, of 
which I happen to have taken coppies : — 



The Hon. A, P, Deuceace to T, S, DatcktnSy Esq, 

"Temple: Tuetday. 

" Mr. Deuceace presents his compliments to Mr. Dawkins, and 
begs at the same time to offer his most sincere apologies and r^;ret8 
for the accident which has just taken place. 

" ^ay Mr. Deuceace be allowed to take a neighbour's privilege, 
and to remedy the evil he has occasioned to the best of his power 1 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 263 

If Mr. DawkiDB will do him the fEtvour to partake of the contents of 
the accompanying case (from Strasbourg direct, and the gift of a 
friend, on whose taste as a gourmand Mr. Dawkins may rely), per- 
haps he will find that it is not a bad substitute for the plat which 
Mr. Deuoeace's awkwardness destroyed. 

" It will also, Mr. Deuceace is sure, be no small gratification to 
the original donor of the pdt^ when he learns that it has fisdlen into 
the hands of so celebrated a bon vivant as Mr. Dawkins. 

" r. & Dawkins, Esq., dx, dte. d-c" 

II 
From T. S, Dawkins, Esq,, to the Hon, A. P, Deuceace, 

" Mr. Thomas Smith Dawkins presents his grateful compli- 
ments to the Hon. Mr. Deuceace, and accepts with the greatest 
pleasure Mr. Deuceace's generous proffer. 

** It would be one of the happiest moments of Mr. Smith Daw- 
kius's life, if the Hon. Mr. Deuceace would extend his generosity 
still further, and condescend to partake of the repast which his 
munificent politeness has furnished. 

"Tbmpli: Tuesday" 

Many and many a time, I say, have I grin'd over these letters, 
which I had ^ivTotc from the original by Mr. Bniffy's copyin dark. 
Deuceace's flam about Prince Tallyram was puffickly successful. 
I saw young Dawkins blush with delite as he red the note; he 
toar up for or five sheets before he composc<l the answer to it, which 
was as you red abuff, and roat in a hand quite trembling with 
plcasyer. If you could but have seen the look of triumi)h in 
Deuceace's wicked black eyes, when he read the noat ! I never 
see a deamin yet, but I can phansy 1, a holding a writhing soal on 
his pitchfrock, and smilin like Deuceace. He dressed himself in 
his very best clothes, and in he went, after sending me over to say 
that he woukl xcept with pleasyour Mr. Dawkins's invite. 

The pie was cut up, and a most frenly oonvenuition begim 
betwixt the two genlmin. Deuceace was quite captivating. He 
spoke to Mr. Dawkins in the most respeckful und fiatrin manner, 
— agread in every think he said, — prazed his tuste, his fumitcr, his 
coat, his classick nollc<lgc, and liis playin on the fioot ; you\l liave 
thought, to hear him, that such a ix)lygon of exlens as Dawkins 
did not bieath, — tliat such a modist, sinsear, honrabble genlmn as 
Deuceace was to be seen nowhere xcept in Pump Cort Poor Daw 
compliUy taken in. My master said he'd introduce him to 



264 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

the Duke of Doncaster, and Heaven knows how many nobs mon^ 
till Dawkins was quite intawsicated with plea^yoor. I know as a 
file (and it pretty well shows the young genlmn*s canyter), tiiai he 
went that very day and ordered 2 new coats, on pcMXKM to be intio- 
juiced to the lords in. 

But the best joak of all was at last. Singin, swagriiiy and 
swarink — upstates came Mr. Dick Blewitt. He flung open Mr. 
Dawkins's door, shouting out, '* Daw, my old buck, how aie yoal" 
when, all of a sudden, he sees Mr. Deuceacc : his jw dropt, he 
turned chocky white, and then bumin red, and looked as if a strar 
would knock him down. *' My dear Mr. Blewitt," says my masler, 
smilin and offring his hand, "how glad I am to see you. Mr. 
Dawkins and I wei« just talking about your pony ! Pray sit down." 

Blewitt did ; and now was the question, who should sit the 
other out ; but law bless you ! Mr. Blewitt was no match for my 
master: all the time he was fidgetty, silent, and sulky; on the 
contry, master was charmin. I never herd such a flo of oonTer- 
satin, or so many wittacisms as he uttered. At last, completely 
beat, Mr. Blewitt took his leaf; that instant master followed him, 
and passin his arm through that of Mr. Dick, led him into our 
chambers, and began talkin to him in the most affisibl and affeckshnat 
manner. 

But Dick was too angry to Ustcn; at last, when master wis 
telling him some long story about the Duke of Doncaster, Blewitt 
burst out — 

" A plague on the Duke of Doncaster ! Come, come, Mr. 
Deuceace, don't you Ik? nmuing your rigs upon me ; I ain't the 
man to be baniboozlM by long-winded stories about dukes and 
duchesses. You think I don't know jou ; every man knows you and 
your line of country. Yes, you're after young Dawkins there, and 

think to pluck him ; but you shan't, — no, by you shan't." (The 

reader must recklcct that the oaths which interspussed Mr. R's 
convysation I have left out.) AVcll, after he'd fireil a woUey of 'em, 
Mr. Deuceace spoke as axA as possbill. 

" Heark ye, Blewitt. I know you to Ix? one of the most infernal 
thieves and scoimdrcls unhung. If you attempt to hector i^ith me, 
I will cane you ; if you want more, I'll shoot you ; if you meddle 
between me and Dawkins, I will do Ixith. I know your whole life, 
you miserable swindler and coward. I know you have already won 
two hundred pounds of this lad, and want all. I >iill have half, or 
you never shall have a penny." It's quite true that master knew 
things ; but how was the wonder. 

I couldn't see 'Mr. B.'s face during this dialogue, bein on the 
wrong side of the door ; but there was a considdrable paws after thuse 



THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCEACE 265 

complyminte had passed between the two genlmn, — one waUdn 
quickly up and down the room, — tother, angry and stupid, sittin 
down, and stampin with his foot 

'*Now listen to this, Mr. Blewitt,'' continues master at last. 
" If you're quiet, you shall half this fellow's money : but venture 
to win a shilling from him in my absence, or without my consent, 
and you do it at your peril'' 

" Well, well, Mr. Deuceace," cries Dick, " it's very hard, and I 
must say, not Mr : the game was of my startin, and you've no right 
to interfere with my friend." 

" Mr. Blewitt, you are a fool ! You professed yesterday not to 
know this man, and I was obliged to find him out for myself. I 
should like to know by what law of honour I am bound to give him 
up to you ? " 

It was charmin to hear this pair of rasklcs talking about honour. 
1 declare I could have found it in my heart to warn young Dawkins 
of the precious way in which these chaps were going to serve him. 
But if they didn't know what honour was, / did ; and never, never 
did I tell tails about my masters when in their sarvice— ou/, in 
cors, the hobligation is no longer binding. 

Well, the nex day there vras a gran dinner at our chambers. 
White soop, turbit, and lobstir sos ; saddil of Scoch muttn, grous, 
and M'Arony ; wines, shampang, hock, maderiii, a bottle of poart, 
and ever so many of clarrit The compny presint was three ; wiz., 
the Honrabble A. P. Deuceace, R. Blewitt, and Mr. Dawkins, 
Exqturca. My i, how we genlnm in the kitcbin did enjy it. Mr. 
Blewittcs man cat so much grous (when it was brut out of the 
fiarlor), that I recly thought he would be sik ; Mr. Dawkinses 
Kenlmn (who wob only abowt 13 years of age) grew so il with 
M'Arony and plumb-puddn, as to be obleeged to take sefral of Mr. 
D.'s pils, which ^ kild him. But this is all promiscuous : I an't 
talkin of the survants now, but the masters. 

Would you bleeve it ? After dinner and praps 8 bottles of wine 
between the 3, the genlmn sat dovm to /cart;/. It's a game where 
only 2 phiys, and where, in coarse, when there's only 3, one UH)ks on. 

Fust, they playd crown pints, and a pountl tlie l)ett. At this 
game they were wonderfid e<|uill ; and about supj^er-tinic (when 
grille<l am, more shampang, devld bi^kits, and other things ^^s 
hrot in) the pby stood thus : Mr. Dawkins hail won 2 inrnmls ; 
Mr. Blewitt, 30 shillings ; the Honrabble Mr. Dcucrace having lost 
£3, lOs. After the dewle and the shami^ng tlie play was a little 
higher. Now it was pound i)int«, an<l five i>ound the bet I thought, 
to be sure, after hearing the coniplymints lietween Blewitt and 
master in the morning, that now ihmt Dawkins's time was come. 



266 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 



Not 80 : Dawkins won always, Mr. K betting on his play, and 
giving him the very best of advioe. At the end of the ereoiqg 
(which was abowt five o'clock the nex morning) they stopt. Maater 
was counting up the skorc on a card. 

" Blewitt," says he, " IVe been unlucky. I owe you — let me 
see — yes, five-and-forty pounds 1 " 

" Five-and-forty," says Blewitt, " and no mistake ! ** 

^' I will give you a cheque," says the honrabble genlnm. 

" Oh ! don't mention it, my dear sir ! " But master got a giate 
sheet of paper, and drew him a check on Messeers. Pump, Algit^ 
and Co., his bankers. 

*•' Now," says master, " IVe got to settle with you, my dear Mr. 
Dawkins. If you had backd yoiu: luck, I should have owed yoa a 
very handsome sum of money. Voj/onSf thirteen points at a poimd — 
it is easy to calculate ; " and drawin out his puss, he clinked over 
the table 13 goolden suverings, which shon till they made mj 
eyes wink. 

So did pore Dawkinses, as he put out his hand, all trembling; 
and drew them in. 

'* Let me say," added master, " let me say (and IVe had some 
little experience), that you are the very best /carte player with 
whom I ever sat do\*Ti." 

Dawkinses eyes glissened as he put the money up, and said, 
" Law, Deuceace, you flatter me." 

Flatter him ! I should think he did. It was the very think 
which master ment. 

" But mind you, Dawkins," continyoud he, " I must have my 
revenge ; for Fm mined — positively niineil — by yoiu* luck." 

" Well, well," siiys Mr. Tliomiis Smith Dawkins, as pleased as if he 
had gained a milliuni, * * sliall it be to-morrow ? Blewitt, what say you ?" 

Mr. Blewitt agreeil, in course. My master, after a little demw- 
ring, consented to<:>. "Well meet," says he, "at yoiu* chambers. 
But mind, my dear fello, not too much wine : I can't stand it at any 
time, especially when I have to play ecartd with you,'' 

Pore Dawkins left our rooms as happy as a prins, "Here, 
Charles," sa}*8 he, and flimg me a sovring. Pore fellow I pore 
fellow I I knew what was a-comin I 

But the best of it was, tliat tliese 13 sovrings which Dawkins won, 
master had borrowed them from Mr, Bleivitt ! I brought *em, with 
7 more, from that yoimg genlmn's chambers that very morning : for, 
since his interview with master, Blewitt had nothing to refuse him. 

Well, shall I continue the tiiil ? If Mr. Dawkins liad been the 
least bit wiser, it would have taken him six months befoar he lost 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 267 

his money ; as it was, he was such a oonfunded ninny, that it took 
him a very short time to part with it 

Nex day (it was Thursday, and master's acquaintance with 
Mr. Dawkins had only commenced on Tuesday), Mr. Dawkins, as 

1 said, gev his party, — dinner at 7. Mr. Blcwitt and the two 
Mr. D.'s as befoor. Play b^ns at 11. This time I knew the 
bisness was pretty serious, for we Buwants was packed off to bed at 

2 o'clock. On Friday, I went to chambers — no master — he kem in 
for 5 minutes at about 12, mode a little toilit, ordered more devvles 
and stxla-water, and back again he went to Mr. Dawkins's. 

They had dinner there at 7 again, but nobody seamed to eat, 
for all the vittles came out to us genlmn : they had in more 
wine though, and must have drunk at least two dozen in the 36 
hours. 

At ten o'clock, however, on Friday night, beck my master camo 
to his chambers. I saw him as I never saw him before, namly, 
reglar drunk. He staggered about the room, he danced, he hickipd, 
he swoar, he flung me a heap of silver, and, finely, he sunk down 
exosted on his bed ; I pullin off his boots and dose, and making 
him comfiabble. 

When I had removed his gormints, I did what it's the duty of 
every servant to do — I emtied his pockits, and looked at his pockit- 
book and all his letters : a number of axilents have been prevented 
that way. 

I found there, among a heap of things, the following pretty 
dockyment : — 



1 






LO.U. 




X470a 




Thomas Smith Dawkh^s. 


Friday^ ] 6<A January, 


. . » 



There was another bit of paper of the same kind — "LO.U. 
four hundred pounds : Richard Blewitt : " but this, in corse, ment 
nothink. 

Nex momin, at nine, master was up, and as sober as a judg. 
He drest, and was off to Mr. Dawkins. At ten, he ordered a cab, 
and the two gentlmn went together. 



268 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

" Where shall he drive, sir 1 " says I. 

" Oh, tell him to drive to the Bank.*' 

Pore Dawkins ! his eyes red with remors and sleeplin dnmken- 
niss, gave a shudder and a sob, as he sunk back in the wefaide ; 
and they drove on. 

That day he sold out every hapny he was worth, xcept five 
hundretl pounds. 

...••• • 

Abowt 12 master had returned, and Mr. Dick Blewitt came 
stridin up the stairs ^ith a solium and important hair. 

" Is your nmster at home ? " says he. 

" Yes, sir," says I ; and in he walks. I, in coara, with my ear 
to the keyhole, listning with all my mite. 

" Well," says Blewitt, " we maid a pretty good night of it, Mr. 
Deuceace. YuVe settled, I see, with Dawkins." 

" Settled ! " says master. " Oh ves — yes — I've settled with 
him." 

" Four thousand seven hundred, I think 1 " 

" About that— yes." 

"That makes my share — let me see — two thousand three 
hundred and fifty ; which I'll thank you to fork out." 

" Upon my wonl — why — Mr. Blewitt," saj-s master, " I don't 
really understand what you mean." 

" You donH know what I mean ! " says Blewitt, in an axent 
such as I never before heanl. "Yuu don't know what I mean! 
Did you not promise me that we were to go shares? Didn*t 
I lend you twenty sovereigns the other night to pay our 
losings to Dawkins? Didn't you swear, on your honour as a 
gentleman, to give me half of all tliat might be won in tliis 
affair ? " 

" A<^eed, sir," says Deuceace : " ai^Tceil." 

" Well, sir, and now what have you to say ? " 

"Why, that I don't intend to keep fnt/ profnisc ! You infenud 
fool and ninny ! do you 8upjx>se I was labouring for i/ou I Do you 
fancy I was going to tlie exi>ense of giving a dinner to that jackass 
yonder, that you should profit by it ? Get away, sir I Leave the 
room, sir ! Or, stop — here — I will give you four hundred pounds — 
your own note of liand, sir, for that sum, if you will consent to 
forget all that lias passe<l between us, and that you have ever known 
Mr. Algernon Deuceace." 

I've seen pipple angor>' before now, but never any like Blewitt. 
He stonnetl, groane<l, belloetl, swoiir I At last, he fiiirly l>egan 
blubbring ; now cussing and njushing his teeth, now praying dear 
Mr. Deuceace to grant him mercy. 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 



269 



At last, maatcr flung open the door (Heaven bless us ! it's well 
I didn't tumble bed over eels into the room !), and said, ** Charles, 
show the gentleman downstairs ! " My master looked at him quite 
steddy. Blewitt slunk down, as misrabble as any man I ever see. 
As for Dawkins, Heaven knows where he was ! 



'* Charles,'' says my master to me, about an hour afterwards, 
" I'm going to Paris ; you may come, too, if you please." 



FORING PARTS 

IT was a singular proof of my master's modesty, that though he 
had won this andsome sum of Mr. Dawkins, and was inclined to 
be as extravygant and osntatious as any man I ever seed, yH, 
when lie determined on going to Paris, he didn't let a sinj;)e finend 
know of all them winnings of his ; didn't acquaint my Lord Crabs hk 
father that he was about to leave his luitiffshoars — ^neigh — didn't 
even so much as call together his tradesmin, and pay off their little 
bills befor his dcpartiu^. 

On the contry, "Chawles," said he to me, "stick a piece of 
paper on my door," which is the way that lawyers do, "and write 
* Back at seven ' upon it" Back at seven I wrote, and stuck it 
on our outer oak. And so niistcarus was Deuceace about his con- 
tinental tour (to all except me), tliat when the landriss brought him 
her account for the last month (amountain, at the very leasts to 
£2, 10s.), master told her to leave it till Monday morning, when 
it should be proi)erly settled. It's extrtxlny how ickonomical a man 
becomes, when lie's got five thousand lbs. in his pockit. 

Back at 7 indeed ! At 7 we were a-roalin on the Dover 
Road, in the Rcglator Coach — nia^stcr inside, me out. A strange 
company of i)e4>plc tht»re was, too, in that wehicle, — 3 sailors ; an 
Italy in with his music-box and uuiuky; a missionary, going to 
convert the heathens in France ; 2 oppra girls (they call 'em figure- 
aunts), and the figure-aunts' mothers inside ; 4 Frenchmin, with 
gingybred caps and mitstashes, singing, chattering, and jesticklatuig 
in the most vonderful vay. Such c*.)niplinicnts as passetl between them 
and the figure-aunts ; such a niuushin of biskits and sippin of brandy I 
such " mong Jews," and '* sacrrres," and " kill fay frwaws I " 
I didn't understand their Languitlge at that time, so of course can't 
igsplain much of their conwersatiou : but it pleased me, nevertheless, 
for now I felt that I was reely going into foring jiarts : which, ever 
sins I liad hiul any e<licati(>n at all, was always my fondest wish. 
Heavin bless us I tliouglit I, if these are sixjcimeens of all Frenchmen, 
what a set they must be. The pore Italjin's munky, sittin mopin 
and meluncolly on his box, was not lialf so ugly, and seamed quite as 
reasonabble. 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 271 

Well, we arrived at Dover — " Ship Hotel " — weal cutlets half 
a ginny, glaa of ale a shilling, glas of neagush half-a-crownd, a 
hapnjTworth of wax-lites four shilliDgs, and so on. But master 
paid without grumbling ; as long as it was for himself he never 
minded the ezpens: and nex day we embarked in the packit for 
Balong-sir-mare — which means in French, the town of Balong 
sityouated ou the sea. I who had heard of foring wonders, expected 
this to be the fust and greatest : phansy, then, my disapintmcnt, 
when we got there, to find this Balong not situated on the sea, but 
on the $hoar. 

But oh ! the gettin there was the bisniss. How I did wish 
for Pump Court agin, as we were tawsing abowt in the Channel ! 
Gentle reader, av you ever been on the otion 1 — " The sea, the 
sea, the open sea ! '' as Barry Cromwell says. As soon as we 
entered our little wessel, and I'd looked to master's luggitch and 
mine (mine was rapt up in a very small hankercher), as soon, I 
say, as we entered our little wessel, as soon as I saw the waives, 
black and frothy, like fresh-ilrawn porter, a-dashin against the ribs 
of our galliant bark, the keal like a wedge, splittin the billoes in 
two, the sales arflaffin in the hair, the standaj^ of Hengland floating 
at the mask-head, the steward argetting ready the basins and things, 
the capting proudly tredding the deck and giving orders to the 
salers, the white rox of Albany and the bathin-masheens disappearing 
in the distans — then, then I felt, for the first time, the mite, the 
madgisty of existence. " Yellowplush, my boy," said I, in a dialogue 
with myself, " your life is now about to commens — your carear, as 
a man, dates from your entrans on board this packit. Be wise, be 
manly, be cautious, forgit the follies of your youth. You are no 
longer a boy now, but a footman. Throw down your tops, your 
marbles, your boyish games — throw off your childish babbits with 
your inky clerk's jackit — throw up your " 

Here, I recklect, I was obleeged to stopp. A fealin, in the 
fust place singlar, in the next place painful, and at last compleatly 
overpowering, had come upon me while I was making the abuff 
speach, and now I found myself in a sityouation which Dellixy for 
Bids me to describe. Suffis to say, that now I dixcovercd what 
basins was made for — that for many, many hours, I lay in a 
hagony of exostion, dead to all intense and porposes, the rain 
pattering in my &ce, the salers tramplink over my body — the 
panes of purgatory going on inside. When we'd been about four 
hours in this sityouation (it seam'd to me* four ears), the stewanl 
comes to that part of the deck where we servants were all huddled 
up together, and calls out " Charles ! " 



272 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

" Well," says I, gurgling out a faint " yes, what's the matter 7 " 

" You're wanted." 

« WTiere I " 

" Your master's wery ill," says he, with a grin. 

'' Master be hanged ! " says I, turning round, more minmble 
than ever. I woodn't have moved that day for twenty thoanod 
masters — no, not for the Empror of Russia or the Pop of Bo^nn. 

Well, to cut this sad subjik short, many and many a Toyitdi 
have I sins had upon what Shakspur calls the "wasty dip," but 
never such a retched one as tliat from Dover to Balong, in the jeu 
Anna Domino 1818. Steemers were scarce in those days; and 
our journey wajs made in a smack. At last, when I was in a stage 
of dcspare and exostion, as recly to phansy myself at Death's dear, 
we got to the eud of our journey. Late in the evening we hailed 
the Cruelic shoars, and hankered in the arbour of Balong-sir-maie. 

It was the entrans of Parrowdicc to me and master : and as we 
entered the calm water, and saw the comfrabble lights gleaming in 
the houses, and felt the roal of the vessel degreasing, never was two 
mortials gladder, I warrant, than we were. At length our capting 
drew up at the key, and our journey was down. But such a bustle 
and clatter, such jabbering, such shrieking and swaring, such wellies 
of oafis and axicrations as saluted us on landing, I never knew ! We 
were boarded, in the fust place, by custom-house officers in cock- 
hats, who seased our luggitch, and calleil for our passpots : then a 
crowd of inn-waiters came tumbling and screaming on deck — " Dis 
way, sare/' erics one : " Hotel Meiunce," siiys another ; " Hotel de 
Bang," screeches another chap — the tower of Babyle was nothink to 
it. The fust thin;yf that stnick me on landing was a big fellow with 
earrings, wlio very nigh kn<x-k me down, in wrencliing masters 
carpet-bag out of my hand, as I was carrying it to the hotelL But 
we got to it safe at last ; and, for the fust time in my life, I slep in 
a foring countrj*. 

I shan't descri]>e this town of Balong, which, as it has been 
visited by not less (on an avari<lg) than two milliums of English 
since I fust saw it twenty years ago, is tolmbbly well known alreaiiy. 
It's a ding}', mellumeolly place, to my mind ; the only tiling moving 
in the streets is the gutter which nins down 'em. As for wooden 
shoes, I saw few of 'em ; and for frogs, uiM>n my honour I never see 
a single Frenchman swallow one, which I lia<l been leil to beleave 
was tlieir rcg'lar, though l>castly, custom. One thing which amazed 
me was the EiugUir name which they give to this to>m of Balong. 
It's divideil, as evcrybo<ldy knows, into an upi)er town (sitoimte on 
a moimting, and surrouu<led by a wall, or ftulh/i'ar) and a lower 
town, which is on the level of the sea. Well, will it be beUeved 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 273 

that they call the upper town the Hot VecU^ and the other the Base 
Vealf which is on the contry genrally good in France, though the 
beaf, it must be confest, is exscrabble. 

It was in the Base Veal that Deuceace took his lodgian, at the 
Hotel de Bang, in a very crooked street called the Rue del Ascew ; 
and if he*d been the Archbishop of Devonshire, or the Duke of 
Canterbury, he could not have given himself greater hairs, I can 
tell you. Notliink was too fine for us now; we had a sweet of 
rooms on the first-floor which belonged to the prime minister of 
France (at least the landlord said they were the premieres) ; and 
the Hon. Algernon Percy Deuceace, who had not paid his landriss, 
and came to Dover in a coach, seamed now to think that goold was 
too vulgar for him, and a carridge and six would break down with a 
man of his weight. Shampang flew about like ginger-pop, besides 
bordo, clarit, burgundy, burgong, and other wines, and all the delixes 
of the Balong kitchins. We stopped a fortnit at this dull place, and 
did nothing from morning till night excep walk on the beach, and 
watch the ships going in and out of arber, with one of them long 
sliding opra-glasses, which they call, I don't know why, tallow-scoops. 
Our amusements for the fortnit we stopped here were boath numerous 
and dalitefiil ; nothink, in fisict, could be more pichmg, as they say. 
In the morning before broakfiEist we boath walked on the Peer; 
master in a blue mareen jackit, and me in a slap-up new livry; 
both provided with long sliding opra-glasses, called as I said (I don't 
know Y, but I suppose it's a scientafick term) tallow-scoops. With 
these we igsamined, very attentively, the otion, the seaweed, the 
pebbles, the dead cats, the fishwimmin, and the waives (like little 
children playing at leap-frog), which came tumbling over 1 another 
on to the shoar. It seemed to me as if they were scrambling to get 
there, as well they might, being sick of the sea, and anxious for the 
blessid peaceable terry firmy. 

After brex&st, down we went again (that is, master on his beat, 
and me on mine, — for my place in this foring town was a complete 
9h\nycurt\ and putting our tally-scoops again in our eyes, we 
^samined a little more the otion, pebbils, dead cats, and so on ; 
and this lasted till dinner, and dinner till bed-time, and bed-time 
lasted till nex day, when came brcxfast, and dinner, and tally- 
scooping, as before. This is the way with all people of this town, 
of which, as I've heanl say, there is ten thousancl happy English, 
who lead this plesnt life from year's end to year's end. 

Besides this, there's billianls and gambling for the gentlemen^ 
a little dancing for the gals, and scandle for the dowygers. In none 
of these amusements did we partake. We were a little too good to 
play crown pints at cards, and never get paid when we won ; or to 



274 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

go dangling after the portionless gals, or amuse onndTes with skps 
and penny-wist along with the old ladies. No, no ; my master was 
a man of fortn now, and behayved himself as sich. If ever he 
condysended to go into the pubtic room of the Hdtel de Bai^ — the 
French (doubtless for reasons best known to themsdyes) cidl this 
a sallymaigy — he swoar more and lowder than any one there ; he 
abyoused the waiters, the wittles, the wines. With his f^ in 
his i, he staired at everybody. He took always the {dace before 
the fire. He talked about "my carridge," "my coirier,'' "my 
servant ; " and he did wright. IVe always found through life, that 
if you wish to be respected by English x)eople, you must be inaalent 
to them, especially if you are a sprig of nobiliaty. We Hie bemg 
insulted by noblemen, — it shows they're familiar with us. Law 
bless us ! IVe known many and many a genlmn about town who'd 
rather be kicked by a lord than not be noticed by him ; they^re 
even had an aw of mey because I was a lord's footman. While my 
master was hectoring in the parlor, at Balong, pretious airs I gave 
myself in the kitching, I can tell you ; and the consequints wis, 
that we were better served, and moar liked, than many pipple with 
twice our merit. 

Deuceace had some particklar plans, no doubt, which kep him 
so long at Balong ; and it clearly was his wish to act the man of 
fortune there for a little time before he tried the character at Paii& 
He purchased a carridge, he hired a ciurier, he rigged me in a fine 
new livry blazin vrith lace, and he past through the Balong bank 
a thousand pounds of the money he had won from Dawkins, to his 
credit at a Paris liouse ; showing? the Balong bankers, at the same 
time, that he'd plenty moar in his potfolic. This was killin two 
binls ^ith one stone ; the bankers' clerks spread the nuse over 
the town, and in a iLay after master had paid the money every 
old dowyger in Rilong had looked out the Crabs' family podigrce 
in the Peeridge, and was quite intimate witli the Deuceace name 
and estates. If Sattn himself were a lonl, I do beleave there's 
many vurtuous English mothers would be glad to have him for a 
son-in-law. 

Now, though my master ha<i thought fitt to leave town without 
excommunicating with his father on the subject of his intended 
continental trijK*, as soon as he was settled at Balong he roat my 
Lonl Crabbs a letter, of which I happen to have a copy. It ran 
thus: — 

••Boulogne: January 25. 

" My deah Father, — I have long, in the coiuije of my legal 
studies, found the necessity of a knowledge of French, in which 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUOEACE 275 

language all the early history of our profession is written, and hare 
determined to take a little relaxation from chamber reading, which 
has seriously iigured my health. If my modest finances can bear 
a two months' journey, and a residence at Paris, I propose to 
remain there that period. 

" Will you hare the kindness to send me a letter of introduction 
to Lord Bobtail, our Ambassador? My name and your old friend- 
ship with him I know would secure me a reception at his house ; 
but a pressing letter from yourself would at once be more courteous, 
and more effectual. 

" May I also ask you for my last quarter's salary t I am not 
an expensive man, my dear father, as you know ; but we are no 
chameleons, and fifty pounds (with my little earnings in my pro- 
fession) would vastly add to the agr/mens of my Continental 
excursion. 

" Present my love to all my brothers and sisters. Ah ! how I 
wish the hard portion of a younger son had not been mine, and that 
I could live without the dire necessity for labour, happy among the 
rural scenes of my childhood, and in the society of my dear sisters 
and you ! Heaven bless you, dearest fiither, and all those beloved 
ones now dwelling under the dear old roof at Sizes. — Ever your 
affectionate son Algebnon. 



*' The Miffht Hon. th€ Eari of (Trail, dtc. 
** Sit€9 Cowrt, Buck$,** 



To this affeckshnat letter his Lordship replied, by return of 
poast, as folios : — 

" My dear Algernon, — ^Your letter came safe to hand, and I 
enclose you the letter for Lonl Bobtail as you desire. He is a kind 
man, and has oae of the best cooks in Europe. 

" We were all charmed with your warm remembrances of us, not 
having seen you for seven years. We cannot but be pleaseil at the 
fiunily affection which, in spite of time and absence, still clings so 
fondly to home. It is a sad selfish world, and very few who have 
entered it can afford to keep those fresh feelings which you have, 
my dear 6on« 

" May you long retain them, is a fond fother's earnest prayer. 
Be sure, dear Algernon, that they will be through life your greatest 
comfort, as well as your best worldly ally ; consoling you in mis- 
fortune, cheering you in depression, aiding and in8i>iring you to 
exertion and success. 

" I am sorry, truly sorry, that my account at Coutts's is so low, 
jwt DOW, as to render a payment of your allowance for the present 



276 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

impoesiblc I see by my book that I owe you now nine qoartei^ 
or £450. Depend on it, my dear boy, that they shall be fidthfoDy 
paid over to you on the first opportunity. 

"By the way, I have enclosed some extracts finom the news- 
papers, which may interest you : and have received a Tery ataags 
letter from a Mr. Blewitt, about a play transaction, which, I tm^ 
pose, is the case alluded to in these prints. He says yoa won 
£4700 from one Dawkins : that the lad paid it ; that he, Blewitti 
was to go what he calls 'snacks' in the winning; but that yoa 
refused to share the booty. How can you, my dear boy, quurd 
with these vulgar people, or lay yourself in any way open to their 
attacks ? I have played myself a good deal, and there Is no man 
living who can accuse me of a doubtful act. You should eitiier 
have shot this Blewitt or paid him. Now, as the matter stands, it 
is too late to do the former ; and, perhaps, it would be Quixotic to 
perform the latter. My dearest boy! recollect throu£^ life that 
you never can afford to he di^nest with a rogue. Four thonsuid 
seven hundred pounds was a great cou/>, to be sure. 

'' As you are now in such high feather, can you, dearest Alger- 
non ! lend me five hundred pounds ? Upon my soul and honour, I 
will repay you. Your brothers and sisters send you their love. I 
need not add, that you have always the blessings of your afiectiooate 
fiither, Grabs. 

"P.«S^. — Make it 500, and I will give you my note-of-hand for 
a thousand." 

I needn't say that this did not quite enter into Deuceace's 
eyedears. Lend his father 500 pound, indeed ! He*d as soon have 
lent him a Ix^x on the year ! In the fust place, he hadn seen old 
Crabs for seven years, as that nobleman remarkedt in liis epistol ; 
in the seckud he hate<l him, and they hated each other ; and nex, 
if master had loved his father ever so much, he loved somebody 
else better — his father s son, namely : and sooner than deprive that 
exlent young man of a penny, he'd have scan all the fathers in the 
world hangin at Xewgat, and all the " beloved ones," as he called 
his sisters, the Lady l)eucea<.'isse8, so many convix at Bottomy Bay. 

The newspaper parrografs showeil that, however secret we wished 
to keep the play transaction, the public knew it now fidl well. 
Blewitt, as I foimd after, was the author of the libels which appeared 
right and left : — 

"Gambling in High Life — The Honourable Mr. De-c — ce 
again ! — This celebrated whist-player has turned his accomplish- 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE a?? 

mcnts to some profit On Friday, the 16th January, he won five 
thousand pounds from a very young gentleman, Th-m~s Sm-th 
D-wk-ns, Esq., and lost two thousand five hundred to R. Bl-w-tt, 
Esq., of the T-mple. Mr. D. very honourably paid the sum lost 
by him to the honourable whist-player, but we have not heard that, 
before his sudden trip to Paris, Mr. D-uc — ce paid his losings to 
Mr. Bl-w-tt" 

Nex came a " Notice to Corryspondents " : — 

" Fair Play asks us, if we know of the gambling doings of the 
notorious Deuceace 1 We answer, We do ; and, in our very next 
Number, propose to make some of them public." 

They didn't appear, however ; but, on the contry, the very same 
newspeper, which had been before so abusiff of Deuceace, was now 
loud in his praise. It said : — 

" A paragraph was inadvertently admitted into oiu* paper of lajst 
week, most ux\justly assailing the character of a gentleman of high 
birth and talents, the son of the exemplary E-rl of Cr-bs. We 
repel, with scorn and indignation, the dastardly fiilsclioods of the 
malignant slanderer who vilified Mr. De-ce-ce, and beg to offer 
that gentleman the only reparation in our power for having thus 
tampered with his unsullied name. We disbelieve the ruffian and 
his s(ori/f and most sincerely regret that such a tale, or such a 
writer^ should ever have been brought forward to the readers of 
this paper." 

This was satis&ctory, and no mistake ; and much pleased we 
were at the denial of this conshentious editor. So much pleased 
that master sent him a ten-ix)und noat, and his complymints. 
He'd sent another to the same address, be/ore this parruwgraff 
was printed ; trAy, I can't think ; for I woodn't suppose anything 
musnary in a littery man. 

Well, after this bisniss was concluded, the currier Jiire<l, the 
carridge smartened a little, and me set up in my new livries, we 
bade ojcw to Bulong in the grandest state posbill. What a figure 
we cut ! ami, my i, what a figger the jKistillion cut ! A cock-hat, a 
jackit made out of a cow's skin (it was in cold weather), a pig-tale 
about 3 fit in length, and a pair of boots ! Oh, sich a ])ure ! A 
bishop might almost have preached out of one, or a modrat-sized 
famly slep in it Me and Mr. Schwigshhnaps, the ciurier, sate 
behind in the rumbill ; master aloan in the inside, as grand as a 



278 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

Turk, and rapt up in his fine fir-doak. Off we sett, bowing gneeflj 
to the crowd; the hamiss-bells jinglin, the great white hosses 
snortin, kickin, and squeelin, and the poetiUum crackin his wip, as 
loud as if he'd been drivin her migesty the quean. 

• •••••• 

Well, I shan't describe our Toyitch. We passed aefral sittiesi 
willitches, and metrappolishes ; sleeping the fust night at Amiois, 
witch, aa every boddy knows, is fiunous ever since the year 1802 fat 
what's called the Pease of Amiens. We had some, very good, done 
with sugar and brown sos, in the Amiens way. But after all the 
boasting about them, I think I like oiu* marrowphats better. 

Speaking of wedgy tables, another singler axdent happened heie 
concaming them. Master, who was brcxfasting before going away, 
told me to go and get him his fur travling-shoes. I went and toald 
the waiter of the inn, who stared, grinned (as these chaps always 
do), said " Bon{jf " (which means, very well), and presently came 
back. 

Fm blest if he didnH bring master a plate of eabbiUk! 
Would you bleave it, that now, in the nineteenth sentry, when they 
say there's schoolmasters abroad, these stewpid French 'jackasses 
are so extonishingly ignorant as to call a cahbidge a shoo ! Never, 
never let it lie said, after this, that these benighted, souperstitioas, 
misrabble sa^ddges, are equiU, in any respex, to the great BrittsBh 
people. The moor I trawle, the moor I see of the woiid, and 
other natiums, I am proud of my own, and despise and deplore 
the retchid ignorance of the rest of Younip. 

My rem«irks on Parris you shall have by an early opportunity. 
Me and Deuceace played some ciuious pranx there, I can tell you. 



MR. DEUCEACE AT PARIS 

CHAPTER I 

THE TfTO BUNDLES OF HAY 

I lEUTENANT-GENER/Oi SIR GEORGE GRIFFIN, KC.B., 
I was about seventy-five years old when he left this life, and 
-■— ' the East Ingine army, of which he was a distinguished orny- 
ment Sir Creorge's first appearance in Ii\jar was in the character 
of a cabbingboy to a vessel ; from which he rose to be clerk to the 
owners at Calcutta, from which he became aU of a sudden a capting 
in the Company's service ; and so rose and rose, until he rose to be 
a leftcnant-genend, when he stopped rising altogether — hopping the 
twig of this life, as drummers, generals, dustmen, and emperors 
must do. 

Sir Creorge did not leave any mal heir to perpetuate the name of 
Griffin. A widow of about twenty-seven, and a daughter avaritching 
twenty-three, was left behind to deploar his loss, and share his 
l»roppaty. On old Sir George's deth, his interesting widdo and orfan, 
who ha<l both been with him in Iiyer, retumeil home — tried London 
for a few months, did not like it, and resolved on a trip to Paris ; 
where very small London people become very great ones, if they've 
money, as these Griffinses had. The intelligent reader need not be 
told that Miss Griffin was not the daughter of Lady Griffin ; for 
though marritches are made tolrabbly early in Iivjer, people are not 
quite so procoashooe as all that : the fiict Ls, Lady G. was Sir George's 
second wife. I nee<l scarcely add, that Miss Matilda Griffin woe the 
offspring of his fust marritch. 

Miss Leonora Kicksey, a ansimi lively Islington gal, taken out 
to Calcutta, and, amongst his other goods, very comfortably disposed 
of by her uncle, Capting Kicksey, was one-and-twenty when she 
married Sir George at seventy-one ;" and the 13 Miss Kickseys, nine 
of whom kep a school at Islington (the other 4 being married vari- 
ously in the City), were not a little envius of my La<ly's luck, and 
not a little proud of their relationship to her. One of 'em, Miss 
Jemima Kicksey, the oldest, and by no means tlie least ugly of the 



28o MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

sett, was staying with her Ladyship, and gev me all the parteeUaiiL 
Of the rest of the fiimly, being of a lo sort, I in coone no notiiink ; 
my acquaintance, thank my stars, don't lie among them, or the likn 
of them. 

Well, this Miss Jemima lived with her yomigcr and more fortnU 
sister, in the qualaty of companion, or toddy. Poar thing ! Fd a 
soon be a gaily slave, as lea<l the life she did ! Everybody in the 
house despised her ; her Ladyship insulted her ; the veiy kitdung 
gals scorned and flouted her. She roat the notes, she kep the bilh^ 
she made the tea, she whipped the chocklate, she cleaned the canaiy 
binls, and gev out the linning for the wash. She was my Ladjr's 
walking pocket, or rettycule ; and fetched and carried her handker- 
cher, or her smell-bottle, like a well-bred spanieL All ni^t, at her 
Ladyship's swarries, she thumpc<l kidrilLs (nobody ever thought of 
asking her to dance ! ) ; when Miss Griffing sung, she played the piano^ 
and was scolded because the singer was out of tune ; abommanating 
dogs, she never drove out without her Ladyship's puddle in her Iqi ; 
and, reglarly unwell in a carriage, she never got anything but the bft^ 
seat. Poar Jemima ! I can see her now in my Lady's secknd-best old 
clothes (the ladies'-maids always got the prime leavings) : a Hloc sattn 
gown, criunpled, blotched, and greasy ; a pair of white sattn ahoea^ 
of the colour of Iiyer rubber ; a faded yellow velvet hat, with a 
wreath of hartifishl flowers run to sead, and a binl of Parrowdioe 
perchetl on the top of it, melumcolly and moiUting, with only a coople 
of feathers left in his imfortunate tail. 

Besides this omvment to their saloon, Ladv and Miss Griffin 
kept a nimiber of other ser\'ants in the kitching : 2 Lulies'-maids , 
2 footmin, six feet Jiigh each, crimson coats, goold knots, and white 
cassynicar pantyloons ; a coachmin to match ; a page : and a 
Shassure, a kind of servant only kno^Ti among forriuers, and who 
looks more like a major-general than any other mortial, wearing a 
cock-hat, a unicorn covered with silver lace, mustashos, eplets, and 
a sword by his side. All these to wait uiwn two ladies ; not 
counting a host of the fair sex, such as cooks, scullion, housekeepers, 
ami 80 forth. 

My Lady Griffin's lodging was at forty pounds a week, in a 
grand sweet of rooms in the Phis Vandomc at Paris. And, having 
thus descril)ed their house, and their servants' hall, I may give a 
few words of description concerning the ladies themselves. 

In the fust place, and in coarse, they hated each other. My 
Lady was twenty-seven — a widdo of two years — fat, fair, and rosy. 
A slow, quiet, cold-looking woman, as those fair-haired gals generally 
are, it seemed difficult to rouse her either into likes or dislikes ; to 
the former, at least. She never loved anybody but one^ and that 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 281 

was herself. She hated, in her calm quiet way, almost every one 
else who came near her — every one, from her neighbour the duke, 
who had slighted her at dinner, down to John the footman, who 
had torn a hole in her train. I think this woman's heart was like 
one of them lithograffic stones, you can't rub out anything when 
once it's drawn or wrote on it ; nor could you out of her Ladyship's 
stone — heart, I mean — in the shape of an affront, a slight, or real 
or phansied iiyury. She boar an exlent irreprotchable character, 
against which the tongue of scandal never wagged. She was nlloweil 
to be the best wife posbill — and so she was ; but she killed her old 
husband in two years, as dead as ever Mr. ThurteU killed Mr. 
William Weare. She never got into a passion, not she — she never 
said a rude word ; but she'd a genius — a genius which many women 
have — of making a hell of a house, and tort'ring the poor creatures 
of her family, until they were wellnigh drove mad. 

Miss Matilda Griffin was a good deal uglier, and about as 
amiable as her mother-in-law. She was crooked, and squinted ; my 
Lady, to do her justice, was straight, and looked the same way 
with her i's. She was dark, and my Lady was fair — sentimental, 
as her Ladyship was cold. My Lady was never in a passion — Miss 
Matilda always; and awfille were the scenes which used to pass 
between these 2 women, and the wickid wickid quarls which took 
place. Why did they live togetlier 1 There was the mistry. Not 
related, and hating each other like pison, it would surely have been 
easier to remain seprat, and so have detested each other at a distans. 

As for the fortune which old Sir George had left, that, it was 
clear, was very considrabble — 300 thousand lb. at the least, as I 
have heard say. But nobody knew how it was disposed of Some 
said that her Ladyship was sole mistriss of it, others that it was 
divided, others that she had only a life inkiun, and that the money 
was all to go (as was natral) to Miss Matilda. These are subjix 
which are not praps very interesting to the British public, but 
were mighty important to my master, the Honrable Algernon Percy 
Deuceace, esquire, barrister-at-law, etsettler, etsettler. 

For I've forgot to inform you that my master was verj' intimat 
in this house; and that we were now comfortably settle<l at the 
Hotel Mirabew (pronounced Marobo in French), in the Rew delly 
Pay, at Paris. We had our cab, and two riding-horses; our 
banker's book, and a thousand pound for a baluntz at Lafitt's ; our 
club at the comer of the Rew Gramong ; our share in a box at the 
oppras; our apartments, spacious an<l elygant; our swarries at 
Court ; our dinners at his Excellency Lord Bobtail's and elsewhere. 
Thanks to poar Dawkins's five thousand pound, we were as complete 
gentlemen as any in Paris. 



282 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

Now my master, like a wise man as he waa^ aeaing himself at 
the head of a smart sum of money, and in a country where 
debts could not bother him, determined to giTe up for the 
everythink like gambling — at least, high play; as for losiiig or 
winning a ralow of Napoleums at wliist or ecarty, it did not matter: 
it looks like money to do such things and giyes a kind of respee- 
tabilaty. '* But as for play, he wouldn't — oh no ! not for worlds ! 
— do such a thing." He had played, like other young men of 
feshn, and won and lost [old fox ! he didn't say he had paid\ ; bat 
he had given up the amusement, and was now determined, he nid, 
to liTe on his inkum. The fact is, my master was doing his Toiy 
best to act the respectable man : and a very good game it ia^ too; 
but it requires a precious great roag to play it. 

He made his appearans reglar at church — me canying a hand- 
some large black marocky Prayer-book and Bible, with the psalms 
and lessons marked out with red ribbings ; and you'd have thou^^t, 
as I graivly laid the volloms down before him, and as be boiied 
his head in his nicely brushed hat, before serrice b^an, that such a 
pious, proper, morl, young nobleman was not to be found in the whole 
of the peeridge. It was a comfort to look at him. Efry old tabl^ 
and dowyger at my Lord Bobtail's turned up the wights of their i's 
when they spoke of him, and vowed they had never seen such a 
dear, dalitefid, exlent young man. \Muit a good son he must be^ 
they said ; and oh, what a good son-in-law ! He had the pick <tf 
aU the English gals at Paris before we had been there 3 months. 
But, unfortunately, most of them were poar ; and love and a cottidge 
was not quite in master's way of thinking. 

Well, about this time my Lady Grifl&n and Miss G. made their 
appearants at Parris, and master, who was up to snough, very soon 
changed his noat. He sate near them at chappie, and simg hims 
with my Lady : he danced with 'em at the embassy balls ; he road 
with tliem in the Boy de Balong and the Shandeleasics (which is 
the French High Park) ; he roat potry in Miss Griffin's halbim, and 
sang jewets along with her and Lady Griffin ; he brought sweetmeats 
for the puddle-dog ; he gave money to the ftwtmin, kissis and gloves 
to the sniggering larlies'-niaids ; he was sivvlc even to poar Miss 
Kicksey ; there wasn't a single soal at the Griffinses that didn*t 
adoar this gixnl young man. 

The laclics, if they hated befoar, you may be sure detested each 
other now wuss than ever. There had been always a jallowsy 
between them : miss jellows of her mother-in-law's bei^'ty ; madam 
of miss's espree : miss tiiunting my Lady about the school at 
Islington, and my Lady sncaring at miss for her squint and her 
crookid back. And now came a stronger caws. They both fell in 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 283 

lore with Mr. Deuoeace — my Lady, that is to say, ha much as she 
could, with her cold selfish temper. She liked Deuceace, who 
amused her and made her laff. She liked his manners, his riding, 
and his good loox ; and being Apervinew herself had a dubble respect 
for real aristocratick flesh and blood. Miss's love, on the contry, 
was all flams and fury. She'd always been at this work from the 
time she had been at school, where she very nigh run away with a 
Frentch master; next with a footman (which I may say, in confi- 
dence, is by no means unnatnd or unusyouall, as I could show if I 
liked) ; and so had been going on sins fifteen. She reglarly flung 
herself at Deuceace's head — such sighing, crying, and ogling, I never 
see. Often was I ready to bust out laffin, as I brought master 
skoars of rose-coloured btllydoos^ folded up like cockhats, and smellin 
like barber's shops, which this very tender young lady used to 
address to him. Now, though master was a scoundrill and no 
mistake, he was a gentlemin, and a man of good breading ; and miss 
came a little too strong (pardon the wulgarity of the xpression) 
with her hardor and attachmint, for one of his taste. Besides, she 
had a crookid spine, and a squint ; so that (supposing their fortns 
tolrabbly equal) Deuceace reely preferred the mother-in-law. 

Now, then, it was his bisness to find out which had the most 
money. With an English fiimly this would have been easy : a look 
at a will at Doctor Conunons'es would settle the matter at once. 
But this India naybob's will was at Calcutty, or some outlandish 
place ; and there was no getting sight of a coppy of it. I will do 
Mr. Algernon Deuceace the justass to say, that he was so little 
musnary in his love for Lady Griflin, that he would have married 
her gladly, even if she had ten thousand pounds less than Miss 
Matilda. In the meantime, his plan was to keep 'em both in play, 
imtil he could strike the best fish of the two — not a difficult matter 
for a man of his genus : besides, Miss was hooked for certain. 



CHAPTER II 

"HOWOUR THY FATHER*' 

I SAID that my master was adoared by every peiBcm in my Lidy 
Griffin's establishmint. I should have said by eveiy peram 
excep one, — a young French gnlmn, that is, who, before our aih 
pearants, had been mighty partiklar with my Lady, ockupying by her 
side exackly the same pasition which the Honrable Mr. Deueeoce noiv 
held. It was bewtiffie and headif>ing to see how coolly that young 
nobleman kicked the poar Shevulliay de TOrge out of his shoes, and 
how gracefully he himself stept into 'em. Munseer de FOi^ge was a 
smart young French jentleman, of about my master's age and good 
looks, but not poesest of half my master's impidince. Not that 
that quallaty is unconunon in France ; but few, very few, bad it to 
such a degree as my cxlent employer, Mr. Deuceace. Besides De 
rOrge was reglarly and reely in love with Lady Griffin, and master 
only pretending : he had, of coars, an advantitch, which the poor 
Frentchman never could git. He was all smiles and gaty, while 
Delorge wa.s o<'kwanl and melumcolly. ]Sry master had said twenty 
pretty thinu^ to Lady Griffin, befor the Shevalicr had finished 
smoothing liis hat, staring at her, and sighing fit to bust his weskit 
luv, luv I This isn't the way to win a woman, or my name's not 
Fitzroy YcUowplush I Myself, when I begim my carear among the 
fair six, I \va8 always sighing and moping, like this poar Frenchman. 
What was the cons<|uints ? The fcvar fust women I adoared lafft at 
me, and loft me for something nioR* lively. With the rest I liave 
edopte<l a diffrent game, and with tolerable suxess, I can tell you. 
But this is eggatism, which I aboar. 

Well, the long and the short of it is, that Munseer Fenlinand 
Hypj)olitc Xavier Stanisl;u«, Shevalicr de TOrge, was reglar cut out 
by Munseer Algernon Percy Deuceace, Exquire. Poar Ferdinand 
did not le:ive the hoiu^e — he hadn't the heart to do that — nor had 
my Liidy the desire to dismiss him. He was usefle in a thousand 
different ways, gitting oppra-l)oxcs, and invitations to French 
swarries, bying gloves, and de Colong, writing French noats, ami 
such like. Always let me rei»ommend an English fkmly, going to 
Paris, to have at least one young man of the sort about them. 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 285 

Never mind how old your Ladyship is, he will make love to you ; 
never mind what errints you send him upon, he'll trot off and do 
them. Besides, he's always quite and well-dresst, and never drinx 
moar than a pint of wine at dinner, which (as I say) is a pint to 
consider. Such a conveniants of a man was Munseer de TOrge — 
the greatest use and comfort to my Lady posbill ; if it was but to 
laff at his bod pronunciatium of English, it was somethink amusink ; 
the fun was to pit him against pear Miss Kicksey, she spealdn 
French, and he our naytif British tong. 

My master, to do him justace, was perfickly sivvle to this poar 
young Frenchman ; and having kicked him out of the place which 
lie occupied, sertingly treated his fallen anymy with every respect 
and consideration. Poor modist down-hearted little Ferdinand 
adoared my Lady as a goddice ! and so he was very polite, likewise, 
to my master — never venturing once to be jellows of him, or to 
question my Lady Griffin's right to change her lover, if she choase 
to do so. 

Thus, then, matters stood; master had two strinx to his bo, 
and might take either the widdo or the orfn, as he preferred : com 
bonff Iwee somhlayy as the Frentch say. His only pint was to dis- 
cover how the money was disposed off, which evidently belonged 
to one or other, or boath. At any rate he was sure of one ; as sure 
as any mortal man can be in this sublimary spear, where nothink is 
suttin except unsertnty. 

• ••••*. 

A very unixpected insident here took place, which in a good deal 
changed my master's calkylations. 

One night, after conducting the two ladies to the oppra, after 
suppiuk of white soop, sammy-deperdrow, and shampang glassy 
(which means, eyced), at their house in the Plas Vandom, me and 
master droav hoam in the cab, as happy as possbill. 

"Chawls you d — d scoundrel," says he to me (for he was in 
an exlent humer), "when I'm married, I'll dubbil your wagis." 

This he might do, to be sure, without iivjaring himself, seing 
that he had as yet never paid me any. But, what then ? Law 
bless us ! things would be at a ])retty pass if we suvvant8 only lived 
on our ^cagis ; our puckwisits is the thing, and no mistake. 

I ixprest my gratitude as best I could ; swoar that it wasn't for 
wagis I served him— that I wouhl as leaf weight uiH>n liiui for 
nothink ; and that never never, so long as I livd, would I, of my own 
accord, part from such an exlent master. By the time these two 
spitches had been made — my si>itch and his — we arrivc<l at the 
" Hotel Mirabeu ; " which, as everybody knows, ain't very distant 
from the Plas Vandome. Up we marched to our a})artmince, me 



286 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

carrying the light and the doax, master hummink a hair out of the 
oppra, as meny as a lark. 

I opened the door of our salong. There was lights alreadj in 
the room ; an empty shampaiig bottio roalin on the floar, another oq 
the table : near which the sofy was drawn, and on it lay a stoot old 
genlmn, smoaking seagars as if he'd bean in an inn tap-room. 

Deuceace (who abommanates seagars, as IVe already shown) boat 
into a furious niige against the genlmn, whom he could hardly see 
for the smoak ; and, with a number of oares quite unneoesBaiy to 
repeat, asked him what bisimss he'd there. 

The smoaking chap rose, and, laying down his seagar, b^gan a 
ror of lofifin, and said, *' What ! Algy my boy ! don't you know me 1 " 

The reader may praps recklect a very affecting letter which was 
published in the laJst chapter of these memoars ; in which the writer 
requested a loan of five hundred pound from Mr. Algernon Deuceace^ 
and which boar the respected signntur of the Eaii of Crabs, Mr. 
Deuceace's own fiithcr. It was that distinguished arastycrat who 
was now smokin and lafi^ in our room. 

My Lord Crabs was, as I preshumed, about 60 years old. A 
stowt, burly, red-faced, bald-headed nobleman, whose nose seemed 
blushing at what his mouth was continually swallowing; whose 
hand, praps, trembled a little; and whose thy and legg was not 
quite so full or as steddy as they had been in former days. But he 
was a respecktabble, fine-looking old nobleman ; and though it must 
be confest, i dnmk when we fiist made oiu* appearance in the salong, 
yet by no means moor so than a real noblcmin ought to be. 

" Wliat, Algy my boy ! " shouts out his Lordship, advancing and 
seasing master by the hand, " doan't you know your own father ? " 

Master seemed anythink but overhappy. " My Lord," says he, 
looking very pail, and speakin raythcr slow, " I didn't — I confess 
— tlie unexiKJcted pleasure — of seeing you in Paris. The fact is, sir," 
said he, recovering himself a little ; " the fact is, there was such a 
confounded smoke of tobacco in the room, that I really could not 
see who the stranger was who had paid me such an unexpectetl visit." 

** A bad habit, Algernon ; a bad habit," said my Lonl, lighting 
another seagar : "a disgusting and filthy practice, which you, my dear 
child, will (lo well to avoid. It is at best, dear Algernon, but a nasty 
idle pastime, unfitting a man as well for mental exertion as for respect- 
able society ; sacrificing, at once, the vigour of the intellect and the 
graces of the person. By-the-bye, what infernal bad tobacco they 
Imve, too, in this hotel. Could not you send your servant to get me 
a few seagars at the Cafi^ de Paris ! Give him a five-franc piece, and 
let him go at once, that's a good fellow." 

Here his Lordship hiccupt, and drank off a fresh tumbler of 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 287 

shampang. Very sulkily, master drew out the coin, and sent me 
on the errint. 

Knowing the Cb£6 de Paris to be shut at that hour, I didn't say 
a word, but quietly establisht myself in the ante-room ; where, as 
it happened by a singler coinstdints, I could hear every word of 
the conversation between this exlent pair of relatifs. 

" Help yourself, and get another lx)ttlc,'' says my Lord, after a 
solium paws. My poar master, the king of all other compnies in 
which he moved, seamed here but to play secknd fiddill, and went 
to the cubbard, from which his father had already igstracted two 
bottils of his prime SiUary. 

He put it down before his father, coft, spit, opened the windows, 
stirred the fire, yawned, clapt his hand to liis forehead, and suttnly 
seamed as uneezy as a genlmn could be. But it was of no use ; the 
old one would not budg. ** Help yourself,'' says he again, " and 
pass me the bottiL" 

"You are very good, father," says master; "but really, I 
neitlicr drink nor smoke." 

" Right, my boy : qiute right. Talk about a good conscience 
in this life — a good stotnack is everythink. No bad nights, no 
headachs — eh ? Quite cool and collected for your law studies in the 
morning ? — eh ? " And the old nobleman here grinned, in a manner 
which woiUd have done creddit to Mr. Grimoldi. 

Master sate pale and wincing, as I've seen a pore soldier under 
the cat. He didn't anser a word. His exlent pa went on, warming 
as he continued to speak, and drinking a fresh glas at evry full stop. 

" How you must improve, with such talents and such principles ! 
Why, Algernon, all London talks of your industry and perseverance: 
you're not merely a philosopher, man ; hang it ! you've got the 
philosopher's stone. Fine rooms, fine horses, champagne, and all 
for 200 a year ! " 

"I presume, sir," says my master, "that you mean the two 
hundred a year which you pay me I " 

" The very sum, my boy ; the ver>' sum ! " cries my Lonl, laffin 
as if he would die. " Why, that*s the wonder ! I never pay the 
two hundred a year, and you keep all this state up upon nothing. 
Give me your secret, you young Trismegistus ! Tell your old 
fiither how such wonders can be worked, and I will — yes, then, ui>on 
my word, I will— jMiy you your two hundred a year ! " 

" Enfin^ my Lonl," says Mr. Deuceace, starting up, and losing 
all patience, " will you liave the goodness to tell me what this visit 
means 7 You leave me to stance, for all you care ; and you grow 
mighty facetious because I earn my bread. You find me in pros- 
perity and ** 



288 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

''PrecLBely, my boy, precisely. Keep your temper, And paaB 
that bottle. I find you in prosperity ; and a young gentieman of 
your genius and acquirements asks me why I seek your society t 
Oh, Algernon ! Algernon ! this is not worthy of such a profoimd 
philosopher. Why do I seek you ? Why, because you are in pros- 
perity, my sou ! else, why the devil should I bother myself about 
you ? Did I, your poor mother, or yoiu: &mily, ever get fiom you 
a single affectionate feeling I Did we, or any other of your firiends 
or intimates, ever know you to be guilty of a single honest or gene- 
rous action? Did we ever pretend any love for you, or you for ust 
Algernon Deuceace, you don't want a &ther to tell you that you are 
a swindler and a spendthrift ! I have paid thousands for the debts 
of yourself and your brothers ; and, if you pay nobody else, I am 
determined you shall repay me. You would not do it by £Eur means^ 
when I wrote to you and asked you for a loan of money. I knew 
you would not. Had I written again to warn you of my coming; 
you would have given me the slip ; and so I came, uninvited, to 
force you to repay me. ThaVs why I am here, Mr. Algernon ; and 
so help yourself and pass the bottle." 

After this speach, the old genlmn sunk down on the sofii, and 
puffed as much smoke out of his mouth as if he'd been the chimley 
of a 8team-ii\jian. I was pleased, I confess, with the sean, and liked 
to see this vcnrabble and \irtuous old man a-nockiug liis son about 
the hed ; just as Deuceace had done with Mr. Riehani Blewitt, as 
IVe before shown. Master's face was, fust, red-hot : next, chawk- 
white ; and then, sky-blew. He looked, for all the world, like Mr. 
Tippy Cooke in the tragady of Frankin^tang, At last, he man- 
nidged to speck. 

" My Lord," says he, " I expected when I saw you that some 
such scheme was on foot. Swindler and spendthrift as I am, at 
least it is but a family failing ; and I am indebted for my \'irtues 
to my father's precious example. Your Lordship has, I perceive, 
adde<l dnmkenncss to the list of your acct^mplishments ; and, I 
suppose, under the influence of that gentlemanly excitement, you 
have come to make these prei)osterous proi>ositions to me. When 
you are sober, you will, i)erhap3, l>e ^^ise enough to know, that, 
fool as I may l)o, I am not such a fool as you think me ; and that 
if I have got money I intend to keep it — cver>' farthing of it, though 
you were to be ten times as drunk, and ten times as threatening 
as you are now." 

"Well, well, my boy," said Lord Crabs, who seemed to have 
been half-asleep during his son's oratium, and receiveil all his sneers 
and surcasms with the most complete good-humour ; " well, well, if 
you will resist, tant pis jjour toi, IVc no desire to ruin you, 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 289 

recollect) and am not in the sllglitest degree angry ; but I must and 
will have a thousand pomids. You liad better give me the money 
at once ; it will cost you more if you don't." 

" Sir," says Mr. Deuceace, " I will be equally candid. I would 
not give you a farthing to save you from " 

Here I thought proper to open tlie doar, and, touching my hat, 
said, " I have been to the Caf^ de Paris, my Lonl, but the house 
is shut'' 

" Bon : there's a good lad ; you may keep the fi\G francs. And 
now, get me a candle and show me downstairs." 

But my master seized the wax taper. " Pardon me, my Lord," 
says he. " What ! a sen-ant do it. when your son is in the room ? 
All, par exemple^ my dear father," said he, laughing, " you think 
there is no politeness left among us." And he led tlie way out. 

" Good-night, my dear boj'," said Lord Crabs. 

"God bless you, sir," says he. "Are you wrapjKjd warm? 
Mind the step ! " 

And so this affeckshnate pair imrted. 



CHAPTER III 

MINEIFVRIWG 

MASTER rose the nex morDing with a dismal countiDaiita — 
he seamed to think that his pa's visit boded him no 
good. I heard him muttering at his brex&st, and fum- 
bling among his hundred pound notes ; once he had laid a parde 
of them aside (I knew what he meant), to send 'em to bis 
fitther. "But no," says he at last, clutching them all up to- 
gether again, and throwing them into his escritaw, "what baim 
can he do me? If he is a knave, I know another who's full as 
sharp. Let's see if we cannot beat him at his own weapcAS." 
With that Mr. Deuceace drest himself in his best clothes, and 
marclic<l oflf to the Plas Vandom, to pav liis cort to the fair widdo 
and the intresting orfn. 

It was abo^*t ten o'clock, and he propoaBe<l to the ladies, on 
seeing them, a number of planus for the day's rackryation. Riding 
in the Body Balong, goiog to tlie Twillarios to see King Looy Disweet 
(who was then the raining sufferin of the French crownd) go to 
chappie, and, finely, a dinner at 5 o'clock at the Caffy de Parry ; 
whents they were all to adjourn, to sec a new peace at the theatre 
of the Pot St. Martin, called " Sussaunar and the Elders." 

The gals agreatl to evcrythink, exscp the two last preposi- 
tiums. "We have an engagement, my dear Mr. Algernon," said 
my Lady. " Look — a very kind letter from Lady Bobtail" And 
she handed over a pafewmd noat from that exolted lady. It 
ran thus : — 

" Fbg. St. Honor! : Thursday, Feb. 15, 1817. 

" My dear Lady Griffin, — It is an age since we met 
Harassing public duties occupy so much myself and Lord Bobtail, 
that we have scarce time to see our private friends ; among whom, 
I hope, my dear Lady GriflSn will allow me to rank her. Will you 
excuse so very unceremonious an invitation, and dine with us at 
the embassy to-day] We shall be en 2>ettte conu'tffy and shall have 
the pleasiu« of hearing, I hope, some of your charming daughter's 
singing in the evening. I ought, perhaps, to have addressed a 



THB AMOUBS OF MR. DEUCEACE 291 

separate note to dear Misb Griffin ; but I hope she will panlon a 
poor dipUmuMie, who has so many letters to write, you know. 

"Farewell tfll seven, when I jx^sitively muit see you both. 
Ever, dearest Lady Griffin, your affectionate 

"Eliza Bobtail" 

Such a letter from the ambossilriss, brot by the ambasdor's 
Shassure, and sealed with his seal of arms, woiiltl affect anybody 
in the middling lanx of life. It diuav Lady Griffin mad with 
delight ; and, long before my master s arrivle, she'd sent Mortimer 
and Fitzclarence, her two footmin, along with a polite reply in 
the affummatiff 

Master read the noat with no such fealinx of joy. He felt tliat 
there was somethink a-going on behind the scans, and, though he 
could not tell how, was sure that some danger was near him. 
That old fox of a fiither of his had begun his Mlnations pretty 
early ! 

Deuceaoe handed back the letter; snearcd, and poohd, and 
hinted that such an invitation was an insult at l>est (what he called 
a pees oily) ; ami, the ladies might depend upon it, was only sent 
because Lady Bobtail wante<l to fill up two spare places at her 
table. But Lady Griffin and Miss would not have his insinwations; 
they knew too fu lonls ever to refiise an invitatiuni from any one 
of them. Go they would ; and poor Deuceaoe must dine alone. 
After they had been on their ride, and had had their other amuse- 
mince, master came back with them, chatted, and laft ; he was 
migh^ sarkastix with my Lady; tender and sentr>'mentle with 
Miss, and left them both in high sperrits to perform their twoUet, 
before dinner. 

As I came to the door (for I was as famillyer as a servant of 
the hoose), as I came into the drawing-room to announts his cab, 
I saw roaster very quietly taking his pocket-book (or j^jt /W, as 
the French call it) and thrusting it under one of the cushinx of the 
sofiu What game is this ? thinx I. 

Why, this was the game. In about two howrs, when ho knew 
the ladies were gon, he pretends to be vastly anxious alM>wt the 
loss of his potfolio; and back he goes to La<ly Griffinscs to seek 
for it there. 

"Pray," says he, on going in, "ask Miss Kiokwy if I may 
see her for a single moment. '' And down conies Miss Kicksey, 
quite smiling, and happy to sec liim. 

" Law, Mr. Deuceace ! " says she, trying to blush as hard as 
ever she could, "you quite surprise me! I don't know whether 
I ougfat^ nally, being alcme, to admit a gcntlenuin.'* 



292 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

" Nay, don't say bo, dear Miss Eicksey ! for do you know, I 
came here for a double purpose — to ask about a pocket-book wliidi I 
have lost, and may, i)erhap8, have left here ; and then, to aak jroa if 
you will liave the great goodness to pity a solitary bachdor, and 
give him a cup of yoiu: nice tea ? '' 

Xice tea! I thot I should have split ; for I'm blest if master 
had eaten a morsle of dinner ! 

Never mind : dovm to tea they sat. " Do you take cream and 
sugar, dear sir I " says poor Kickisey, with a voice as tender as a 
tuttle-duff. 

"Both, dearest Miss Eicksey!" answers master; who stowed 
in a power of sashong and muflinx which would have dime honour 
to a washawoman. 

I shan't describe the conversation that took place betwigst master 
and this young lady. The reader, praps, knows y Deuceaoe took 
the trouble to talk to her for an hour, and to swidlow all her tea. 
He wanted to find out from her all she knew about the fomly money 
matters, and settle at once which of the two Grifl&Qses he should 
nuirry. 

The i)oar thing, of cors, vras no match for such a man as my 
master. In a quarter of an hour, he had, if I may use the igspres- 
sion, " turned her inside out." He knew everything tliat she knew ; 
and that, poar creature, ^"as very little. There was nine thousand 
a year, she had heanl say, in money, in houses, in banks in Iivjar, 
and what not. Boath the ladies signed papers for selling or buying, 
and the money seenie<l equilly tlinded betwigst them. 

Xine thon^antl a year ! Deuceacc went away, his cheex ting- 
ling, his heart beating. He, without a penny, coidd nex morning, 
if he likeil, l)e master of five thousand per hannuni ! 

Ycr^. But how? Which had the money, the mother or the 
daughter ? All the tea-<lrinking had not taught him this piece of 
nollidgc ; and Deuceacc thought it a pity that he could not marry 
both. 

The ladies came liack at night, mightaly pleaseil with their re- 
ception at the ambasdor 6 ; an«l, stepping out of their carridge, bid 
coachmin drive on ^ith a gentloniin who had handed them out — 
a stout old gentlemin, who shook hands most tenderly at parting, 
and promised to call often uiK>n my Latly Griffin. He was so 
polite, th.'it he wanted to mount the stairs with her Ladyship ; but 
no, she woultl not suffer it. " Edwanl," says she to the coachmin, 
quite loud, and pleased that all the people in the hotel should hear 
her, "you will take the carriage, and drive his Lordship home." 
Now, can you guess who his Lordship was ? The Right Hon. the 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 293 

Earl of CrabB, to bo sure ; the very old genlmn whom I had seen 
on such channing terms with his son the day before. Master knew 
this the nex day, and began to think he had been a fool to deny 
his pa the thousand pound. 

Now, though the suckmstansies of the dinner at the arabasdor's 
only came to my years some time after, I may as well relate 'em 
here, word for word, as they was told me by the very genlmn who 
waite<l behind Lord Crabseses chair. 

There was only a ^^ petty comity" at <lijmer, as Lady Bobtail 
said ; and my Lonl Crabs was placed betwigst the two Grilfinscs, 
being mighty cllygant and palite to both. *' Allow me^" says he 
to Lady G. (between the soop and the fish), "my dear madam, 
to thank you — fervently thank you for your goodness to my 
poor boy. Your Ladyship is too young to ex|)erience, but, I 
am sure, fiir too tender not to understand the gratitude which 
must fill a fond parent's heart for kindness shown to his cliild. 
Believe me," says my Lord, looking her full and tenderly in the 
face, "that the fiivours you have done to another have been done 
equally to myself, and awaken in my bosom the same grateful and 
affectionate feelings with which you have already inspired my son 
Algernon." 

Lady Griffin blusht, and droopt her hoa<l till her ringlets fell 
into her fish-plate : and she swallowed Lonl Crabs's flumry just as 
she would so many musharuins. My Lonl (whose powers of slack- 
jaw was notoarious) nex addrast another spitch to Mi»s Grifiin. He 
said he'd heard how Deuceace was situated. Miss blusht — what a 
happy dog he was — Miss blusht crimson, and then he sighe<l dee])Iy, 
and began eating his turbat and lobster sos. Master was a good 
un at flumry, but, law bless you ! he was no moar equill to the old 
man than a molehill is to a mounting. Before the night was over, 
he had made as much progress as another man would in a ear. 
One almost forgot his red nose and his big stomick, and \m wicked 
leering i's, in his gentle insiniwating woice, his fimd of annygoats, 
and, above all, the bewtifle, morl, n»ligious, and hon rabble t<>an of 
his genral conversation. Prafw you will say that these Indies wore, 
for such rich pil>ple, mightaly esaly oaptivate<l ; but recklect, my 
dear sir, that they were fnvh. fn>m Injar, — that they'd not scan 
many lords, — that they wloannl the peeridge, as every honest 
woman does in England who has pn>[HT feelinx, and has road the 
fi^hnabblc nowles, — and that here at Paris was their fust step 
into fiuhnabble sosiaty. 

Well, after dinner, while Miss Matilda was singing " Die tantie," 
or '-Dip your chair," or some of them sellabrated Italy ian hairs 
(when she b^gan this squall, hang me if she'd ever stop), my Lord 



294 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

gets hold of Lady Grifi^ again, and gradgaly begins to talk to her 
in a very different stmne. 

*' What a blessing it is for us all," says he, " that Algemon has 
found a friend so respectable as your Ladyship." 

" Imleed, my Lord ; and why I I suppose I am not the only 
respectable friend that Mr. Deuceace has ? " 

''No, surely; not the only one he has had; his Inrth, and, 
permit me to say, his relationship to myself^ have procured him 

many. But " (here my Lonl heaved a very affecting and laigc 

aigh). 

" But what ] " says my Lady, laffing at the igspresdim of his 
dismal fiice. '* You don't mean that Mr. Deuceace has lost them 
or is im worthy of them ] " 

"I trust not, my dear madam, I trust not; but he is wild, 
thoughtless, extravagant, and embarrassed : and you know a man 
under these circumstances is not very particular as to his associates." 

'* Embarrassed ? Good heavens ! He says he has two thousand 
a year left him by a godmother; and he does not seem even to 
spend his income — a very handsome independence, too, for a 
bachelor." 

My Lord nodded his head sadly, aiul said, — " Will your Lady- 
ship give me your word of honour to be secret ? My son has but 
a thousand a year, which I allow him, and is heavily in debt. He 
has played, madam, I fciir; and for this reason I am so glad to 
hear that he is in a respectable domestic circle, where he may learn, 
in the presence of far greater and purer attractions, to foiget the 
dice-box, and the low company which lias been Iiis bane." 

My Lady Griffin looketl verj- grave indeed. Was it true ? Was 
Deuceace sincere in his professions of love, or was he only a sharper 
wooing her for her money ? Could she doubt her informer ? h!s 
own father, and, what's more, a real flesh and blood pear of parly- 
ment? She detennined she woidd try him. Praps she did not 
know she had liked Deuceace so much, until she kem to feel how 
much she should hate him if she found he'd been playing her false. 

The evening was over, and back they came, as weeVe seen, — 
my Lord driving home in my Lady's carridge, her Lad^'ship and 
Miss walking upstairs to their own apartmince. 

Here, for a wonder, was jKxir Miss Kicksy quite happy and 
smiling, and evidently fidl of a secret, — something mighty pleasant, 
to judge from her loox. She did not long keep it. As she was 
making tea for the kidies (for in that house they took a cup regular 
before bedtime), " Well, my Lady," Siiys she, " who ilo you think 
has been to drink tea with me ? " Poar thing, a frendly &ce waa 
an event in her life — a tea-party quite a hera 1 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 295 

" Why, perfaape, Lenoir my maid," says my Lady, looking grave. 
" I wish, Miss Eicksey, you would not demean yourself by mixing 
with my domestics. Recollect, madam, that you are sister to 
Lady OriflBn," 

*' No, my Lady, it was not Lenoir ; it was a gentleman, and a 
handsome gentleman, too." 

" Oh, it was Monsieur dc TOrge, then," says Miss ; " he promised 
to bring me some guitar-strings." 

" No, nor yet M. de TOrge. He came, but was not so polite 
as to ask for me. What do you think of your own beau, tlic 
Honourable Mr. Algernon Deuceace ? " and, so saying, poor Kicksey 
clapped her hands together, and looked as joyfle as if she'd come 
into a fortin. 

"Mr. Deuceace here; and why, pray?" says my La<ly, who 
rccklected all that his exlent i>a had been saying to her. 

" Why, in the first place, he had left his i)ocketrl)ook, and in 
the secondi, he wanted, he said, a dish of my nice tea ; which he 
took, and stayed with me an hour, or moar." 

" And pray, Miss Kicksey," said Miss Matilda, quite contemp- 
shusly, " what may have been the subject of your conversation with 
Mr. Algernon? Did you talk politics, or music, or fine arts, or 
metaphysics?" Miss M. being what was called a blue (as most 
hump-backed women in sosiuty are), always made a pint to speak 
on these grand subjects. 

" No, indeed ; he talked of no such awful matters. If he ha<l, 
you know, Matilda, I should never liave understood him. First 
we talked about the weather, next aliout mufiins and crumpets. 
Crumpets, he said, he liked best ; an<l tlien we talkeil " (here Miss 
Kicksey's voice feU) " about poor dear Sir George in heaven ! wliat 
a good husband he waa, and " 

"What a good fortune he left, — eh. Miss Kicksey?" says my 
Lady, with a hard snearing voice, and a diabolllcle grin. 

" Yes, dear Leonora, he 8iK>ke so respectftilly of your blessed 
husband, and seemed so anxi(»us about you and Matilda, it was 
quite charming to hear him, dear man ! " 

" And pray, Miss Kicksey, wlmt did you tell liim ? " 

"Oh, I told him that you and Leonora had nine thousand a 
year, and " 

"^\Tmtthen?" 

" Why, nothing ; that is all I know. I am sure I wisJi I had 
ninety," says poor Kicksey, lier eycH turning to heaven. 

"Ninety fiddlesticks! I)i<l not Mr. Deuceace ask how the 
money was left, an<l to which of us ? " 

" Yes ; but I could not tell him." 



296 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELL0WPLU8H 

'* I knew it ! " says my Lady, slapping down her tea^ciip, — ^ I 
knew it ! " 

"WeU!"* says Miss Matilda, "and why not» Lady Ckiffini 
There is no reason you should break your tea-cup, because Algernon 
asks a harmless question. He is not mercenary ; he is all candoor, 
innocence, generosity! He is himself blessed with a sufficiait 
IM>rtion of the world's goods to be content ; and often and often has 
he told me he hoped the woman of his choice might come to him 
without a penny, that he might show the purity of his affection.'' 

" IVe no doubt," says my Lady. *' Perhaps the lady of his 
choice is Miss Matilda Griffin ! " and she flung out of the rocMn, 
slamming the door, and leaving Miss MatUda to bust into tears, 
as was her reglar custom, and pour her loves and woas into the 
buzzom of Miss Eicksey. 



CHAPTER IV 

"HITTIXG THE XALE OS THE HEDD'' 

THE nez morning, down came me and master to Lady Griifinses, 
— I amusing myself with the gals in the antyroom, he paying 
his devours to the ladies in the salong. Miss was thrumming 
on her gitter ; my Lmly was before a great box of pai)ers, busy 
with ai'countsy bankers' books, lawyers' letters, and what not. Law 
bless us! it's a kind of bisniss I should like well enuff; es|)ecially 
when my hannual account was seven or eiglit thousand on tho 
right side, like my Lady's. My Lady in this house kep all these 
matters to herselE Miss was a vast deal too sentrimentle to mind 
business. 

Miss Matilda's eyes sparkled as master came in ; she pinte<I 
gracefully to a place on the s(»fy beside her, which Deuceat'C took. 
My Lady only looked up for a moment, smiled very kindly, and 
down went her head among the jKipers agen, as busy as a B. 

" Lady Griffin lias had letters fn»ni Lon<lon," siiys Miss, " from 
nasty lawyers and people. Come here and sit by me, you nauichty 
man you ! " 

And down sat master. " Willingly," says he, ** my dear Miss 
Griffin ; why, I declare, it is <iuite a tvte-<t-tetf" 

"Well," says Misd (after tlie prillinmary flumries, in coarpe), 
** we met a friend of yours at the embassy, Mr. Deucejice.*' 

" My &tlier, doubtless ; he is a great frien<l of tlie ambassador, 
and surprised me myself by a visit the night before last." 

" What a dear delightful old man ! how he loves you, Mr. 
Deuceaoe ! " 

Oh, amazingly ! *' says master, throwing ]m i's t« heaven. 
Ho spoke of nothing but you, and such j)rais<^ of you ! " 

Master brcathe<l more freely. "He is ver>' goo<l, my dear 
father; but blind, as all fathers are, he is so ]iartial and attached 
to me." 

" He spoke of you Iwing his favourite child, and regrette<l that 
you were not his eldest son. * I can but leave liiin tlie nmall iK»rtiou 
of a younger brother,' he said ; * but never mind, he lias talents, a 
ooble name, and an independence of liis own.' " 






298 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELL0WPLU8H 

"An independence? yea, oh yes; I am quite independent of 

my fether/' 

" Two thousand pomids a year left you by your godmother; the 
very same you told us, you know." 

"Neither more nor less," says master, bobbing his head; "a 
sufficiency, my dear Miss Griffin, — to a man of my moderate habits 
an ample provision." 

" By-the-bye," cries out Lady Griffin interrupting the conTena- 
tion, " you who are talking about money matters there, I wish you 
would come to the aid of poor me ! Come, naughty boy, and hdp 
me out with this long long sum." 

DidnH he go — that's all ! My i, how his i's shone, as he skipt 
across the room, and seated himself by my Lady ! 

" Look ! " said she, " my agents write me over that they have 
received a remittance of 7200 rupees, at 2s. 9d. a rupee. Do tell 
me what the sum is, in pounds and shillings ; " whidi master did 
with great gravity. 

" Nine hundred and ninety pounds. Good ; I dare say you are 
right I'm sure I can't go through the fiitigue to see. And now 
comes another question. Whose money is this, mine or Matilda's ! 
You see it is the interest of a sum in India, which we liave not had 
occasion to touch ; and, acconling to the terms of poor Sir George's 
will, I really don't know how to dispose of the money except to 
spend it Matihla, wliat shall we do with it ? " 

" La, ma'am, I wish you woidd arrange the business yourself." 

" Well, then, Algernon, you tell me ; *' and she laid her hand on 
his, and l(X)keil him most pathctickly in the fiiice. 

" Why," says he, "I don't know how Sir George left his money; 
you must let me sec his will, first.*' 

" Oh, willingly." 

Master's chair seemed suddenly to have got springs in the cushns; 
he was obliged to hold himself down. 

" Look here, I have only a copy, tikcn by my hand from Sir 
George's own manuscrii>t. Soldiers, you know, do not employ 
lawyers much, and this was written on the night before going into 
jiction." And she read, " * I, George Griffin,' &c. &c. — ^you know 
how these things begin — * l)eing now of sane mind ' — um, um, um, 
— * leave to my frienils, Thomas Abraham Hicks, a colonel in the 
H. E. I. Company's Service, and to John Monro Mackirkincroft (of 
the house of Huffle, Mackirkincroft, and Dobbs, at Calcutta), the 
whole of my property, to be realised as speedily as they may (con- 
sistently with the interests of the property), in trust for my wife, 
Leonora Emilia Griffin (bom L. E. Kicksey), and my only legitimate 
child, Matilda Griffin. The interest resulting from such property 



THE AMOURS OF MR DECJCEACE 299 

to be paid to them, share and share alike ; the principal to remain 
untouched, in the names of the said T. A. Hicks and J. M. Mae- 
kirkincroft, imtil the death of my wife, Leonora Emilia GriflBn, when 
it shall be paid to my daughter, Matilda GriflSn, her heirs, executors, 
or assigns.' " 

" There," said my Lady, " we won't read any more ; all the rest 
is stuff. But now you know the whole business, tell us what is to 
be done with the money ? " 

"Why, the money, unquestionably, should be divided between 
you." 

" Tant mieux, say I; I really thought it had been all Matilda's." 
• ••••*• 

There was a paws for a minit or two after the will had been 
read. Master left the desk at which he had been seated with her 
Ladyship, paced up and down the room for a while, and tlien came 
round to the place where Miss Matilda was seated. At last he said, 
in a low, trembling voice, — 

"I" am almost sorry, my dear Lady Grifl&n, that you have read 
that will to me ; for an attachment such as mine must seem, I fear, 
mercenary, when the object of it is so greatly favoured by worldly 
fortune. Miss Grifl&n — Matilda ! I know I may say the word ; your 
dear eyes grant me the permission. I need not tell you, or you, 
dear mother-in-law, how long, how fondly, I have adored you. My 
tender, my beautiful Matilda, I will not affect to say I have not read 
your heart ere this, and that I have not known tlie preference with 
which you have honoure<i me. Speak it, dear girl ! from your own 
sweet lips : in the presence of an affectionate parent, utter the 
sentence which is to seal my happiness for life. Matilda, dearest 
Matilda ! say, oh say, that you love me ! " 

Miss M. shivered, turned pail, rowled her eyes about, and fell on 
master's neck, whispering hodibly, ** / cfo / " 

My Lady looked at the pair for a moment with her teeth grinding, 
her i's glaring, her busm throbbing, and her face chock white ; for 
all the world like Madam Pasty, in the oppra of " Mydear " (when 
she's goin to mudder her childring, you recklect); and out she 
flounced from the room, without a word, knocking down poar me, 
who* happened to be very near the dor, and leaving my master along 
with crook-back mistress. 

I've repotted the speech he made to her pretty well. The fiict 
is, I got it in a ruff copy; only on the copy it's wrote, ^^ Lady 
Griffin, Leonora I " instead of " Miss Griffin, Matilda^" as in the 
abuff, and so on. 

Master had hit the right nail on the head this time, he thought : 
bat his adventors an't over yet 



CHAPTER V 

THE GRIFFIN'S CLAWS 

WELL, master had hit the right nail on the head this time : 
thanx to luck — the crooked one, to be smie, but then it had 
the goold noib, which was the part Deuceaoe most valued, 
as well he should ; being a connyshurc as to the relletiff valyou df 
pretious metals, and much preferring virging goold like this to poor 
old battered iron like my Lady Griffin. 

And so, in spite of his father (at which old noblemin Mr. Deuceace 
now snapt his fingers), in spite of his detts (which, to do him Justas^ 
had never stood much in his way), and in spite of his povatty, idle- 
ness, cxtravagaiis, swindling, and dcbotoheries of all kinds (which 
an't ffeneralbj very favorable to a young man who has to make his 
way in the world) ; in spite of all, there he was, I say, at tlie topp 
of the trea, the fcwcher master of a perfect fortim, the defianced 
husband of a fool of a wife. What can mortial man want more t 
Vishns of ambishn now o<*eu])ieil his soal. Shooting boxes, oppra 
boxes, mon(?y boxes always full ; Imutcrs at Melton ; a seat in the 
House of Conimins : Heaven knows what ! and not a poar footman, 
who only describes what he's seen, and can't, in cors, pennytrate 
into the idears and the busms of men. 

You may be shore that the three-cornered noats came pretty 
thick now from the Griffiuses. Miss was always a-writing them 
befoar ; and now, nite, noon, and momink, breakfast, dinner, and 
sopper; in they came, till my i>{uitry (for master never read 'em, 
and I carrie<l 'em out) was puffickly intolrabble from the odor of 
musk, ambygrease, barg>'mot, and other sense with which they 
were imprcgniated. Hertz's the con tense of three on 'em, which I've 
kep in my dex these twenty years as skeewriosities. Faw ! I. can 
smel 'em at this very minit, as I am copying them down. 

Billy Dog. No. I. 

Monday morning^ 2 o'clock, 

" Tis the witching hour of night. Luna illumines my chamber, 
and falls upon my sleepless pillow. By her light I am inditing 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 301 

these words to thee, my Algernon. My brave and beautiful, my 
souls lord ! when shall the time come when the tedious night shall 
not separate us, nor the blessed day ? Twelve ! one ! two ! I have 
heard the bells chime, and the quarters, and never cease to think of 
my husband. My adored Percy, pardon the girlish confession, — 
I liave kissed the letter at this place. Will thy lips press it too, 
and remain for a moment on the spot which has been equally 
saluted by yoiu- Matilda 1 " 

This was the fu9i letter, and was brot to our house by one of 
the poar footmin, Fitzclarence, at sicks o'clock in the morning. I 
thot it was for life and death, and woak master at that extraomary 
hour, and gave it to him. I shall never foigit him, when he red it ; 
he cramped it up, and he cust and swoar, applying to the lady who 
roat, the genlnm that brought it, and mc who introjuiced it to his 
notice such a collection of epitafe as I seldum hcrcd, except at 
Billinxgit The fiiet is thiss : for a fiist letter. Miss's noat was 
rather too strong and sentymentle. But tliat was her way; she 
was always reading melancholy stoary books — "Tha<luse of Waw- 
saw," the " Sorrows of MacWhirter," and such like. 

After about 6 of them, master never yoused to read them ; but 
handid them over to me, to see if there was anythink in them which 
must be answered, in order to kip up appearuntscs. Tlie next 
letter is — 

No. II. 

" Beloved ! to what strange madnesses will passion lead one ! 
Lady Grifl&n, since your avowal yestenlay, has not si)oken a word 
to your poor Matilda; has declared that she will admit no one 
(heigho ! not even you, my Algernon) ; and lias locke^l liorRclf in 
her own dressing-room. I do believe that she iBjealoys^ and fancies 
that you were in love with ker ! Ha, ha ! I could have toM her 
another tale — n'est ce pas] Adieu, adieu, ailieu ! A thousand 
thousand million kisses ! M. G. 

*' Mimday afUmwmj 2 o*cli>ck\" 

There was another letter kem before bedtime; for though me 
and master called at the Griffinscs, we waimt aloud to enter at no 
price. Mortimer and Fitzclarence grin'd at me, as much as to say 
we were going to be relations ; but I don't sposc master was very 
sorry when he was obleachoil to come back without seeing the fair 
objict of his affcckshns. 

Well, on Chewsdy there was the same game ; ditto on WenscUy ; 



302 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELL0WPLU8H 

aoly, when we called there, who Bhould we Bee bat our fitther, Lovi 
Grabs, who was waiving his hand to Miss Eicksey, and Baying ke 
should be buck to dinner at 7, just as me and master canie up the 
stares. There was no admittns for us though. *' Bah ! bah ! new 
mind," says my Lord, taking his son affeckshnately by the hand. 
" What, two strings to your bow ; ay, Algernon 1 The dowager a 
little jealous, miss a little lovesick. But my Lady's fit tA anger 
will vanish, and I promise you, my boy, that you shall see your 
fidr one to-morrow." 

And so saying, my Lord walked master down stares, looking at 
him as tender and affeckshnat, and speaking to him as sweet as 
posbilL Master did not know what to think of it He never new 
what game his old fisitherwas at ; only he somehow felt that he had 
got his head in a net, in spite of his suxess on Sunday. I knew it — 
I knew it quite well, as soon as I saw the old genlnm igBammin 
him, by a kin<l of smile which came over his old fiice, and was 
Bomethink betwigst the angellic and the direboUide. 

But master's dowts were cleared up nex day and eveiy thing 
was bright again. At brexfast^ in comes a note with indosier, boath 
of witch I here copy : — 

No. IX. 

" Thunday momiiyf, 

"Victoria, Victoria! Mamma has yielded at last; not her 
consent to our imion, but lier consent to receive you as before ; and 
has promised to forget the i)ast. Silly woman, how could she ever 
think of you as anything but the lover of vour Matilda? I am 
in a whirl of debcious joy and passionate excitement. I have 
been awake all this Ion*; night, thinking of thee, my Algernon, and 
longing for the blissful hour of meeting. 

" Come ! " M. G." 

This is the inclosier from mv La<lv : — 

" I \^^LL not tell you that ycnir behaviour on Sunday did not 
deeply slux^k me. I had been foolish enough to think of otlicr 
plans, and to fiincy your heart (if you hatl any) was fixed elsewhere 
than on one at whose foibles you have often laughed with me, and 
whose person at least cannot have charmed you. 

" My step-daughter ^ill not, I presume, marry without at least 
going through the ceremony of asking my consent ; I cannot, as yet, 
give it. Have I not reason to doubt whether she will be happy in 
trusting herself to you I 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 303 

'' But she is of age, and has the right to receive in her own 
liouse all those who may be agreeable to her — certainly you, who 
are likely to be one day so nearly connected with her. If I have 
honest reason to believe that your love for Miss Griffin is sincere ; 
if I find in a few months that you yourself are still desirous to many 
her, I can, of course, place no further obstacles in your way. 

" You are welcome, then, to return to our hotel I cannot pro- 
mise to receive you as I did of old ; you woidd despise me if I did. 
I can promise, however, to think no more of all that has passed 
between us, and yield up my own happiness for that of the daughter 
of my dear husband. L. E. G." 

Well, now, an't this a manly, straitforard letter enough, and 
natral firom a woman whom we had, to confess the tnith, treated 
most scuwily ? Master thought so, and went and made a tender 
respeckful speach to Lady Griffin (a little flumry costs nothink). 
Grave and sorrofle he kist her hand, and, speakin in a very low 
adgitayted voice, calld Hevn to witness how he deplord that his 
conduct should ever have given rise to such an unfortnt ideer : but 
if he might offer her esteem, respect, the warmest and tcnderest 
admiration, he trusted she would accept the same, and a deal moar 
flumry of Uie kind, with dark solium glansis of the eyes, and plenty 
of white pockit-hankercher. 

He thought he'd make all safe. Poar fool ! ho was in a net — 
sich a net as I never yet see set to ketch a roag in. 



CHAPTER VI 

THE JEff'EL 

THE Shevalier de YOrge, the young Frcnchmin whom I wrote of 
in my last, who had been rather sliy of his visits while master 
was coming it so very strong, now came back to his old place 
by the side of Lady Griffin : there was no love now, though, betwi^st 
him and master, although the Shevalier had got his lady back agin ; 
Deuceace being compleatly devoted to his crookid Vcanus. 

The Shevalier was a little, pale, moddist, insinifishnt creatore; 
and I shoodn't have thought, from his appearants, would have the 
heart to do harm to a fli, much less to stand befor such a tremcndioos 
tiger and fire-eater as my master. But I see i>ntty well, after a week, 
from his manner of going on — of speakiu at master, and lookin at 
him, and olding his lips tight when Deuceace came into the room, 
and glaring at him witli his i's, that he hated the Honrabble 
Algernon Percy. 

Shall I tell you why ] Because my Lady Griffin hated him : 
hated him wuss than pison, or the devvlc, or even imss than her 
daughter-in-law. Praps you phansy that the letter you have juss 
red was honest ; praps you amadgin that the scan of the rea<ling of 
the will came on by mere chans, and in the reglar cors of suckm- 
stansies : it was all a rjnjne, I tell you — a reglar trap ; and that 
extrodnar clever young man, my master, as neatly put his foot into 
it, as ever a pocher did in fesnt presen*e. 

The Shevalier had his q from Lady Griffin. "NMien Deuceace 
went oflf the feald, back came De I'Orgc to her feet, not a witt less 
tender than befor. Por fellow, por fellow ! he really loved this 
woman. He might as well have foln in love with a boreconstructor ! 
He was so blinded and beat by the power wich she had got over 
him, that if she told him black was white he'd beleave it, or if she 
ordered him to commit murder, he'd do it : she wanted .something 
verv like it, I can tell vou. 

I've already said how, in the ftist part of their acquaintance, 
master used to laflf at De TOrgc's bad Inglish, and funny ways. The 
little creature had a thowsnd of these ; and being small, and a French- 
man, master, in cors, looked on him with that good-humoured kind 



THE AMOUBS OF MR DEUCEACE 305 

of contemp which a good Brittn ot always to show. He rayther 
treated him like an intelligent niunky than a man, and ordered him 
about as if he'd bean my Lady's footman. 

All this munseer took in very good part, until after the quarl 
betwigst master and Lady Griffin ; wlien that lady took care to turn 
the tables. Whenever master and miss were not present (as I've 
heard the servants say), she used to luff at Shevalliay for his obejvjance 
and sivillatty to master. For her part, she wondere<l how a man of 
his birth could act a servnt : how any man could submit to such con- 
temsheous behaviour from another; and then she told him )iow 
Deuceace was always snearing at him behind his back ; how, in fact, 
he ought to hate him coijaly, and how it was suttnly time to show 
his sperrit 

Well, the poar little man beleaved all this from his hart, and 
was angry or pleased, gentle or quarlsum, igsactly as my Lady like<l. 
There got to be frequint rows betwigst him and master ; shar]) wonis 
flung at each other across the dinner-table ; dispewts about handing 
ladies their smeling-botls, or seeing them to their carridge ; or going 
in and out of a roam fust, or any su(*h nonsince. 

" For hevn's sake," I heerd my Lady, in the midl of one of these 
tiffs, say, pail, and the tears trembling; in her i's, " do, do be calm, 
Mr. Deuceace. Monsieur de FOrge, I beseech you to forgive him. 
You are, both of you, so esteemed, lovM, by members of this fiimily, 
that for its peace as well as your own, you should forbear to 
quarreL" 

It was on the way to the Sally Mangy that this bmngling hail 
begun, and it ended jest as they were seating themselves. I shall 
never forgit poar little De I'Orge's eyes, when my Lady said " both 
of you." He stair'd at my Lady for a momint, turned jiail, red, 
look'd wild, and then, going round to master, shook his hand as if he 
would liave wrung it off. Mr. Deuceace only bow'd and grin'il, 
bxhI turned away quite stately; Miss heaved a lowl from her 
busm, and looked up in his face with an igspreshn jest as if she 
could have eat him up with love ; and the little Shevalliay sate 
down to his soop-plate, and wus so happy, that Tm blest if he 
wasn't crying ! He thought the widdow hiul made her declyration, 
ami would have him ; and so thought Deuceace, who look'd at her 
for some time mighty bitter and contempshus, and then fell a-talkiug 
with Miss. 

Now, though master didn't choose to marr>' Lady Griffin, as he 
mi^t liave done, he yet thought fit to be very angry at the notion 
of her marrying anybody else ; and ho, consquintly, wus in a fewry 
at this oonflsion which she had made regarding her jMinhaleaty for 
the French Shevaleer. 



Sc6 MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

And this Pre perseaved in the con of my ezpourants throos^ 
life, that when you vex him, a loag's no longer a roag : yoa fiod 
him out at onst when he's in a passion, for he shows, as it wire, 
his cloven foot the very instnt you tread (m it. At least, this is 
what y<mng roags do ; it requires very cool blood and long pnietis 
to get over this pint, and not to show your pashn when yoa feel it 
and snarl when you are angry. Old Crabs wouldn't do it; being like 
another noblemin, of whom I heard the Duke of Wellington say, wfaHe 
waiting behind his graci's chair, that if you were kicking him fiom 
behind, no one standing before him would know it, from the bewtifle 
smiling igspreshn of his feuce. Young master hadn't got no fiur in 
the thief s grammar, and, when he was angry, show'd it. And ifs 
also to be remarked (a very profownd observatin for a footmin, bat 
we have i's though we do wear plush britchis), it's to be remarked, 
I say, that one of these chaps is much sooner nuwl angry than 
another, because honest men yield to other people, roags never do; 
honest men love other people, roags only themiaelves; and the 
slightest thing which comes in the way of thir beloved objects sets 
them fewrious. Master hadn't le<l a life of gambling, swindling, 
and every kind of debotch to be good-tempered at the end (^ it, I 
prommis you. 

He was in a pashun, and when he wis in a pashn, a more 
insalent, insuffrable, overbearing broot didn't live. 

This wjis the very pint to which my Lady wishetl to bring him ; 
for I must tell you, that though slic had been tr}*ing aU her might 
to set master and the Shevalliay by the years, she hail suxeaded 
only so far as to make them hate each other profowndly : but 
somehow or other, the 2 cox wouldn't ./ff/A<. 

I doan't think Deuccaoe ever suspected any game on the part 
of her Ladyship, for she carrieil it on so admirally, that the quarts 
which daily took place betwigst him and the Frenchman never 
seemed to come from her ; on the contry, she acted as the reglar 
pease-maker between them, as Fve just eho\%Ti in the tiff which 
took place at the door of the Sally Mangj*. Besides, the 2 young 
men, though reddy enough to snarl, were nat rally im willing to cum 
to bloes. I'll tell you why : being friends, and idle, they spent 
their momins as young fhshnabbles genrally do, at billiads, fensing, 
riding, pistle-shooting, or some such improoving study. In biUiads, 
master beat the French mn hollow (and had won a pretious siglit of 
money from him : but that's neither here nor there, or, as the 
French say, ontn/ noo) ; at pistle-sliooting, master could knock 
down eight immidges out of ten, and De TOrge seven; and in 
fensing, the Frenchman could pink the Honorable Algernon down 
evry one of his weskit buttus. They'd each of them been out more 



THE AMOURS OF MR D£UC£AC£ 507 

than oDst^ for erery Frenchman will fight^ and master had been 
obleag'd to do so in the corB of his bisniss; and knowing each 
other's curridg^ as well as the &ct that either could put a hundrid 
bolla running into a hat at 30 yards, tliey waim't ver}' willing to 
try such expanymence upon their own hats Yrith their own hemla 
in them. So you see they kep quiet, and only grouUl at each 
other. 

But to-day Deuceace was in one of his thundering black humers ; 
and when in this way he wouldn't stop for man or devvle. I said 
that he walked away from the Shevalliay, who had given him his 
hand in his sudden bust of joyfle good-humour; and who, I do 
Ueave, would hare hugil a she-bear, so very happy was lie. Master 
walked away from him pale and hotty, and, taking his seat at table, 
no moor mindid the brandishments of Miss Griffin, but only replied 
to them with a pshaw, or a dam at one of us sen^nts, or abuse of 
the soop, or the wine ; cussing and swearing like a trooi)er, and not 
like a wel-bred son of a noble British peer. 

" Will your Ladyship," says he, slivering off the wing of a jmiiy 
ally boMhymallf " allow me to help you 7 " 

"I thank you! no; but I will trouble Monsieur de TOrge." 
And towards that gnlmn she turned, with a most tender and fasnat- 
ing smile. 

" Your Lailyship has taken a very sudden admiration for Mr. 
de rOigp's carving. You used to like mine once." 

" You are very skilful ; but to-<lay, if you will allow nio, I will 
partake of something a little simpler." 

The Frenchman helped ; and, being so happy, in cors, 8j)ilt the 
gravy. A great blob of brown sos spurte<l on to master's chick. 
and myandrewd down his shert collar and virging-white weskit. 

" Confound you ! " says he, " M. <le I'Orge, you have done this 
00 purpose." And down went his knife and fork, over went his 
tumbler of wine, a deal of it into poar Miss Griffinses lap, who 
looked fiitened and ready to cry. 

My Lady bust into a fit of laffin, peel upon peel, as if it was 
the best joak in the world. De lOrge giggletl and >rrin'd too. 
" Pkrdong," says he ; " meal panlong, mong share munseer." ♦ Ami 
he looked as if he would have done it again for a ])enny. 

The little Frenchman was quite in extasis ; he found himself all 
of a swhln at the very top of the trea ; and the laff for onst tunie<l 
agunst his rivle: he actialy had the ordassaty to pn»i)08c to my 
Lady in En^ish to take a glass of wine. 

" Veal you," says he, in his jargin, " take a glas of Madt'^re viz 

* In the kmg dbloguen, wo haro gonanUly ventured to chaoffo the iiecnliar 
ipellinv of ma friend Mr. Yellowplosh. 



3o8 MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

me, mi Ladi t " And he looked round, as if he'd igsaddy hit the 
English manner and pronunciation. 

"With the greatest pleasure," says Lady G., most gnuaoudy 
nodding at him, and gazing at him as she drank up the wine. She'd 
refused master before, and this didn't increase his good humtf. 

Well, they went on, master snarling, snapping, and Bwoariqg; 
making himsdf, I must confess, as much of a blaggaid as any I 
ever see ; and my Lady employing her time betwigst him aad the 
Shevalliay, doing every think to irritate master, and flatter the 
Frenchmn. Desert came: and by this time. Miss was stodc-still 
with fright, the Chevaleer half tipsy with pleasure and gratified 
Yannaty, my Lady puffickly raygeut with smiles, and master bloo 
with rage. 

" Mr. Deuceace," says my Lady, in a most winning voice, after 
a little chafiOng (in which she only worked him up moar and moarX 
"may I trouble you for a few of those grapes f they look delidoiis.'' 

For answer, master seas'd hold of the grayp dish, and sent it 
sliding down the table to De TOige ; upsetting, in his way, finiit- 
plates, glasses, dickauters, and Heaven knows what 

" Monsieur de TOrge," says he, shouting out at the top of lus 
voice, " have the goodness to help Lady Griffin. She wanted my 
grapes long ago, and has foimd out they are sour ! " 

There was a dead paws of a moment or so. 

• • . • . . . 

" Ah I " says my La<ly, " vous osez m'insulter, devout mes gens, 
dans ma propre maison — c*est par trop fort, monsieur." And up 
she got, aud flung out of the nx)m. Miss followed her, screeching 
out, "Mamma — for Grods sake — Lady Griffin !" and here the door 
slammed on the \MiiT. 

Her Ladyship did very well to speak French. De VOrge would 
not have tnider stood her else ; as it was he heanl quite enough ; and 
as the door clikt too, in the presents of mc, and Messeera Mortimer 
and Fitzelarence, the family footmen, he walks round to my master, 
and hits him a slap on the face, and says, '^ Prends 90, menteur et 
14che ! " which means, " Take that, you har aud coward ! " — rayther 
strong igspreshns for one genlmn to use to another. 

Master staggered back and looked bewildered; and then he 
gave a kind of a scream, and then he made a run at the Frenchman, 
and then me and Mortimer flung ourselves upon him, whilst Fits- 
clarence embraced the Shevalliav. 

" A demain ! " says he, clinching his little fist, and walking 
away, not very sorry to git off! 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 309 

When he was fidrly down stares, we let go of master: who 
swallowed a goblit of water, and then pawsmg a little and pulling 
out his pus, he presented to Messeers Mortimer and Fitzclarenoe a 
luydor each. " I will give you fire more to-morrow," says he, " if 
you will promise to keep this secrit." 

And then he walked in to the ladies. " If you knew," says he, 
going up to Lady Grifl^ and speaking very slow (in cors we were 
all at the keyhole), " the pain I have endured in the last minute, in 
consequence of the rudeness and insolence of which I have been 
guilty to your Ladyship, you would think my own remorse was 
punishment sufficient, and would grant me pardon." 

My Lady bowed, and said she didn't wish for explanations. 
Mr. Deuccace was her daughter's guest, and not hers; but she 
certainly would never demean herself by sitting again at table with 
him. And so saying, out she boltid again. 

"Oh! Algernon! Algernon!" says Miss, in teers, "what is 
this dreadful mystery — these fearful shocking quarrels] Tell me, 
has anything happened ? Where, where is the Chevalier ? " 

Master smiled and said, "Be under no alarm, my sweetest 
Matilda. Be TOrge did not understand a wonl of the dispute ; he 
was too much in love for that. He is but gone away for half-au- 
hour, I believe ; and will return to coffee." 

I knew what master's game was, for if Miss had got a hinkling 
of the quarrel betwigst him and the Frenchman, we should have 
had her scrceming at the " Hotel Mirabeu," and the juice and all to 
pay. He only stopt for a few minm'ts and cumfitted her, and then 
drove off to his friend. Captain Bullseye, of the RiUcs ; with whom, 
I spose, he talked over this unplesnt bisniss. We jfuwnd, at our 
hotel, a note from Be TOrge, saying where his secknd was to be seen. 

Two mornings after there was a parrowgraf in Gallynannj/s 
Meuinger^ wliich I hear beg leaf to transcrilic : — 

^^ Fearful duel, — Yesterday morning, at six o'clock, a meeting 
took place, in the Bois de Boulogne, between the Hon. A. P. 
B — ce-ce, a younger son of the Earl of Cr-bs, and the Chevalier de 

rO . The chevalier was attended by Major de M , of the 

Rojral Guanl, and the Hon. Mr. B by Captiiin B-lls-ye, of 

the British Rifle Corps. As far as we have been uMc to learn the 
particulars of this deplorable affair, the dispute ori;dnatc<l in the 
house of a lovely lady (one of the most brilliant omament8 of our 
embassy), and the duel took place on the morning en8uin<j:. 

" The chevalier (the challenged party, and the mo«t aa-oniplished 
amateiu* swordsman in Parin) waived his right of ch(X)6ing the 
weapons^ and the combat took place with pistols. 



3IO MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

** The combatants were placed at forty paoe8» with directioiiB to 
advance to a barrier which separated them.only eigjit paces. Eadi 

was {urnished with two pistols. Monsieur de TO fired afanort 

immediately, and the ball took effect in the left wrist of his anta- 
gonist, who dropped the pistol which he held in that hand. He 
fired, however, directly with his right, and the chevalier fell to the 
ground, we fear mortally wounded. A ball has entered above his 
hip-joint, and there is very little hope that he can recover. 

"We have heard that the cause of this desperate duel was a 
blow which the chevalier ventured to give to the Hon. Mr. D. If 
so, there is some reason for the unusual and determined manner in 
which the duel was fought. 

"Mr. Deu — a-e returned to his hotel; whither his ezoeUeot 
fiither, the Right Hon. Earl of Cr-bs, immediately hastened on 
hearing of the sad news, and is now bestowing on his son the most 
affectionate parental attention. The news only reached his Lcndship 
yesterday at noon, while at breakfiist with his Excellency Lofd 
Bobtail, our Ambassador. The noble earl fidnted on recdviog the 
intelligence ; but in spite of the shock to his own nerves and health, 
persisted in passing last night by the couch of his son." 

• 

And so he did. "This is a sad business, Charles," says my 
Lord to me, after seeing his son, and settling himself down in our 
salong. " Have you any segars in the house 1 And, hark ye, send 
me up a bottle of wine and some luncheon. I can certainly not 
leave the neighbourhood of my dear boy." 



CHAPTER VII 

THE CONSQVINSIES 

THE Shevalliay did not die, for the ball came out of its own 
accord, in the midst of a violent fever and inflamayshn which 
was brot on by the wound. He was kept in bed for 6 weeks 
thoa^, and did not recover for a long time after. 

As for master, his lot, I'm sorry to say, was wuss than that of 
his advisary. Inflammation came on too ; and, to make an ugly 
story short, they were oblige<l to take off his hand at the rist. 

He bore it, in cors, like a Trojin, and in a month he too was 
well, and his wound hecl'd ; but I never see a man look so like a 
dewle as he used sometimes, when he looked down at the 
stump ! 

To be sure, in Miss Griflinses eyes, this only indeenl him the 
mor. She sent twenty noats a day to ask for him, calling him her 
beloved, her unfortunat, her hero, her wictim, and I (hmo what. 
I've kep some of the noats as I tell you, and curiously sentimcntle 
they are, beating the sorrows of MacWhirter all to nothing. 

Old Crabs used to come offcn, and consumcil a j>ower of wine 
and seagan at our house. I bleavc he was at Paris ])ecause there 
was an ezycution in his own house in England ; and his son was a 
sure find (as they say) during h\s illness, and couldn't <leny liimself 
to the old genlmn. His cveninx my Lord spent rcglar at Lady 
Oriffin's ; where, as master was ill, I didn't go any more now, and 
where the Shevalier wasn't there to disturb him. 

" You see how that woman hates you, Deuceace," wiys my Lord, 
one day, in a fit of cander, after they had been talking a)K>ut Lady 
Grifiin : " $he has not done with you yet, I tell you fairly." 

"Curse her," says master, in a fur>', lifting up his niaini'd ann^ — 
" curse her ! but I will Ixj even with Iicr one day. I am sure of 
Matihhr: I took care to put that beyond the reach of a failure. 
The girl must marry me, for her own sake." 

''For her oten sake/ ho! Goo<l, goo<l I " My LonI lifted 
his i's, ami said gravely, " I understand, my dear boy ; it is an 
excellent phuL^ 

"Well," says master, grinning fcarcely and knowingly at hifl 



312 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELL0WPLU8H 

exlent old fitther, *' as the girl is safe, what hann can I femr from 
the fiend of a stepmother t '' 

My Lord only gey a long whLzzle, and, soon after, taking up his 
hat, walked off. I saw him sawnter down the Phis Yandome, and 
go in quite calmly to the old door of Lady Griffinses hoteL Bless 
his old £Etce! such a puffickly good-natured, kind-hearted, meny, 
selfish old scoundrel, I never shall see again. 

His Lordship was quite right in saying to master that *' Lady 
Griffin hadn't done with him." No moar she had. But she nerer 
would have thought of the nex game she was going to play, if some- 
body hadnH put her up to it. Who did 1 If you red the above 
passidge, and saw how a venrabble old genlmn took his hat, and 
sauntered down the Plas Yandome (looking hard and kind at all 
the uussary-maids — buns they call them in France — in the wayX I 
leave you to guess who was the author of the nex scheam : a womaii, 
suttnly, never would have pitcht on it 

In the fuss payper which I wrote concerning Mr. Deoceace's ad- 
venters, and his kind behayviour to Messrs. Dawkins and Blewitt, 
I had the honour of laying before the public a skidewl of my master'i 
delta, in witch was the following itim — 

" Bills of xchange and LO.U.^ £4963, Os. Od." 

The I.O.U.sc were trifling, saying a thowsnd pound. The bills 
amoimtid to four thowsnd moar. 

Xow, the lor is in France, that if a genlmn gives these in 
England, and a French genlnm gits them in any way, he can pursew 
the Englishman who has drawn them, even though he should be in 
France. Master did not know this fact — labouring under a very 
common mistak, that, when onst out of England, he might wissle at 
all the debts he left behind him. 

My Lady Gritiin sent over to her slissators in London, who 
made arrangemints witli the ])ers«in8 who possest the fine collection 
of ortografs on stampt payter which nia.ster had left behind him ; 
and they were glad enuff to take imy oppertunity of getting back 
their money. 

Onejfine morning, as I was looking alx>ut in the courtyanl of 
our hotel, talking to the sonaut-gids, as Wius my re^ar custom, in 
order to improve myself in the French lanfiniidge, one of them comes 
up to me and says, " Tenez, Monsieur Chtu-les, down below in the 
otficc there is a bailiff, with a couple of gendannes, who is asking 
for your mjwter — a-t-il des dette^s i^ir hasiinl ? " 

I was struck all of a heap — the tnith flasht on my mind s hi 
" Toinette," says I, for that was the gal's name — " Toinette," saj-s 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACB 313 

I, giving her a kiss, " keep them for two minnits, as you valyou my 
affeckshun ; " and then I gave her another kiss, and ran up stares to 
our chambers. Master had now pretty well recovered of his wound, 
and was aloud to drive abowt : it was lucky for him that he had 
the strength to move. " Sir, sir," says I, " the bailiffs are after 
you, and you must run for your life." 

" Bailiffs ? " says he : " nonsense ! I don't, thank Heaven, owe 
a shilling to any man." 

"Stuff, sir," says I, forgetting my respeck ; ** don't you owe 
money in England ] I tell you the bailiffs are here, and will be on 
you in a moment." 

As I spoke, cling cling, ling ling, goes the bell of the anty- 
shamber, and there they were sure enough ! 

What was to be done ? Quick as litening, I throws off my livry 
coat, claps my goold lace hat on master's head, and makes him put 
on my livry. Then I wraps myself up in his dressing-gown, and 
lolling down on the sofa, bids him open the dor. 

There they were — the bailiff — two jondarms with him — Toin- 
ette, and an old waiter. When Toinette sees master, she smiles, 
and says : " Dis done, Charles ! oik est done ton mattrc ? Chez lui, 
n'est-oe pas ? C'est le jeune homme k monsieur," says she, curtsying 
to the bailifil 

The old waiter was just a-going to blurt out, " Mais ce n'est 
pas ! " when Toinette stops him, and says, " Laisscz done i)as8er cos 
messieurs, vieux bete ; " and in they walk, the 2 jon d arms taking 
th'ir post in the hall. 

Master throws open the salong doar very gravely, and touching 
my hat says, " Have you any orders about the cab, sir 1 " 

" Why, no, Chawls," says I ; " I shan't drive out to-day." 

The old bailiff grinned, for he imderstood English (having had 
plenty of English customers), and says in French, as master goes 
out, ** I think, sir, you had better let your servant get a coach, for 
I am under the painful necessity of arresting you, au nom dc la loi, 
for the sum of ninety-eight thousand seven hundreil franrn, oweil 
by you to the. Sieur Jacques Francois Lebrun, of Paris ; " and he 
pulls out a number of bills, with master's acceptances on them 
sure enough. 

"Take a chair, sir," says I ; ami do^Ti he sits ; and I l)o;:an to 
chaff him, as well as I could, about the weather, my illnt^ss, my Rad 
axdent, having lost one of my hands, which was stuck into my 
busum, and so on. 

At last after a minnit or two, I could contane no longer, and 
boat out in a horse laff. 

The old fellow turned quite pail, and began to suspect some- 



314 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

think. " Hola ! " says he ; '^ gendannes ! k mm ! k mci ! Je 
flou^ vol^" which means, in English, that he was re^bu* add. 

The jondarmes jumped into the room, and so did Toinette and 
the waiter. Grasefly rising from my arm-chare, I took my hand 
frt)m my dressing-gownd, and, flinging it open, studL up on the 
chair one of the neatest legs ever seen. 

I then pinted myjestickly — ^to w6at do you think t — ^to my plush 
TiTES ! these scUabrated inigspressables which have rendered me 
&mous in Yourope. 

Taking the hint, the jondarmes and the servnts rord out laflSng; 
and so did Charles Yellowplush, Esquire, I can tell yoo. Old 
Grippard the bailiff looked as if he would &int in his chare. 

I heard a kab galloping like mad out of the hotel-gate, and 
knew then that my master was safe. 



CHAPTER VIII 

THE END OF MR. DEVCEACE*S HISTORY—UMBO 

MY taU is droring rabidly to a close : my suvrice witli Mr. 
Deuceace didn't contiuyou very long after the last (chapter, 
in which I deacribed ray admiral strattyjam, and my singlar 
»elf-deTocean. There's verj' few eervnts, I can tell you, who'd have 
thought of such a contrivance, and very few moar would have egg- 
sycuteil it when thought of. 

But, after all, beyond the trifling advautich to myself in selling 
maBter's roab dc sham, which you, gentle remler, may remember I 
woar, and in dixcoveriiig a fipun note in one of the i)ockets, — beyond 
thin, I say, there was to poar master very little advantich in what 
had been done. It's true he had escaped. Very good. But Frons 
is not like Great Brittin ; a man in a livry coat, with 1 arm, is 
pretty easly known, and caught, too, as I can tell you. 

Such was the case with master. He (*oodu leave PariK, moar- 
over, if ho would. What was to l)ecome, in that cai*c, of his bride 

his unchbacked liairis ? He knew that young lady's temprinumtj 

(as the Parishers say) too well to let her long out of his site. She 
had nine thousand a yer. She'd been in love a duzn times befor, and 
mite be agin. The Honrabble Algernon Deuceace was a little too 
wide awake to trust much to the constnsy of so ver>' inflammable 
a young crwcher. Heavn bless us, it was a marjole she wasn't 
earlier married ! I do bleavo (from suttn scans that iKist Iwtwigst 
us) tliat she'd have married me, if she hadn't been sojuiaHl by the 
snpcaror rank and indianuity of the genlmn in whose sunai^e I was. 

Well, to use a coromin igspreshn, the beaks wore after him. 
How was he to manitch ? He cowln get away from his dtlits, and 
he wooden quit the &rc objict of his aflk'kshns. He was abIeoj<l, 
then, as the French say, to lie penlew,- gr.ing out at ni;,'ht, like a 
howl out of a hivy-bush, and n'tuming in the <hiytime to his nwst 
For its a maxum in France (and I woo<l it were followi^l in Inghmd), 
that after dark no man is liblc for his detts ; and in any of the 
Royal gardens— the TwiUaries, the Pally Roil, or the Lucksimbug, 
for example — a man may wander from sunrise to evening, and hear 
ooChiiig of the ejus dunns : they ain't admitted into these places of 



3i6 MEMOIBS OF MR C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

public ei^jyment aud rondyyoo any more than dogs ; the omtoiiei 
at the garden-gate having orders to shuit all such. 

Master, then, was in this uncomfrable situation — ^neither likiog 
to go nor to stay ! peeping out at nights to have an interview with 
his miss; ableagd to shuffle off her repeated qoeetionB as to the 
reason of all this disgcise, and to talk of his two thowsnd a year 
jest as if he had it and didn't owe a shilling in the world. 

Of course, now, he began to grow mighty eager for the marritcfa. 

He roat as many noats as she had done befor ; swoar against 
delay and cerymony ; talked of the pleasures of Hyming, the ardship 
that the ardor of two arts should be allowed to igspire, the folly of 
waiting for the consent of Lady Griffin. She was bat a step-mother, 
and an unkind one. Miss was (he said) a nugor, might many whom 
she liked ; and suttnly had paid Lady G. quite as much attentioii 
as she ought, by paying her the compliment to ask her at alL 

And so they went on. The curious thing was, that whea master 
was pressed about his cause for not coming out till night-time^ he 
was misterus ; and Miss Griffin, when asked why she wooden many, 
igsprest, or rather, didnH igsprcss, a simlar secrasy. Wasn't it hard? 
the cup seemed to be at the lip of both of 'em, and yet somehow, 
they could not manitoh to take a drink. 

But one morning, in rei)ly to a most desprat epistol wrote by 
my master over nijDjlit, Deuceace, delighted, gits an answer from hia 
soal's belufFd, which ran thus : — 

J//m Griffin to th^ Hon, A, P, Deuceace, 

"Dearest, — You say you would share a cottage with me; 
there is no need, luckily, for that ! You plead the sad sinking rf 
your spirits at our dclaycil union. Beloved, do you think iwy heart 
rejoices at our separation] You bid me disreganl the refusal of 
Lady Griffin, and tell me that I owe her no fiuther duty. 

" Adored Algernon ! I can refuse you no more. I was willing 
not to lose a sini^le chance of reconciliation with this unnatural 
step-mother. Re8[>ect for the memor>' of my sainted &ther bid me 
do all in my power to gain her consent to my union with you ; nay, 
shall I own it ? i)rudence dictiited the nieasiure ; for to whom should 
she leave the share of money accorded to her by my father's will 
but to my father's child ? 

" But there are bounds beyond which no forbearance can go ; 
and, thank Heaven, we have no need of looking to Laily Griffin for 
sonlid wealth : we have a competency without her. la it not so, 
dearest Alsremon ? 

" Be it as you wish then, dearest, bravest, and best Your poor 



THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCEACE 317 

Matilda has yielded to you her heart long ago ; she has no longer 
need to keep back her name. Name the hour, and I will delay no 
more ; but seek for refuge in your arms from the contumely and 
insidt which meet me ever here. Matilda. 

" P.S. — Oh, Algernon ! if you did but know what a noble part 
your dear father has acted throughout, in doing his best endeavours 
to further our plans, and to soften Lady GriflSn ! It is not his faidt 
that she is inexorable as she is. I send you a note sent by her to 
Lord Crabs ; we will laugh at it soon, n^est-ce pas ? " 



II 

" My Lord, — In reply to your demand for Miss Griflin's hand, 
in favour of your son, Mr. Algernon Deuceace, I can only repeat 
what I before have been under the necessity of stating to you — that 
I do not believe a union with a person of Mr. Deuceace's character 
would conduce to my step-daughter's happiness, and therefore refuse 
my consent, I will beg you to communicate the contents of this 
note to Mr. Deuceace ; and implore you no more to touch upon a 
subject which you must be aware is deeply painiul to me. — I remain 
your Lordship's most hiunble servant, L. E. Griffin. 

** The Right Hon, the Earl of Crabt." 

" Hang her Ladyship ! " says my master, " what care I for it ? " 
As for the old lord who'd been so afishous in his kindness and advice, 
master recknsiled that pretty well, with thinking that his Lordship 
knew he was going to marry ten thousand a year, and igspected to 
get some share of it ; for he roat back the following letter to his 
&ther, as well as a flaming one to Miss : — 

"Thank you, my dear father, for yoiu* kindness in that awk- 
wanl business. You know how painfully I am situated just now, 
and can pretty well guess both the cav^es of my disquiet. A 
marriage with my beloved Matilda will make me the happiest of 
men. The dear girl consents, and laughs at the foolish pretensions 
of her mother-in-law. To tell you the truth, I wonder she yielded 
to them so long. Carry your kindness a step further, and find for 
us a parson, a licence, and make us two into one. We are both 
m^'or, you know ; so that the ceremony of a guardian's consent is 
unnecessary. — Your affectionate, Algernon Deuceace." 

" How I regret that difference between us some time back I 
Matters are change<l now, and shall be more still after the marriage," 



3i8 MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

I knew what my master meant, — that he would give the old 
kid the money after he was married : and as it was i^obfale tint 
miss would see the letter he roat, he made it such as not to kl her 
see two clearly into his present uncomfrable ntuation. 

I took this letter along with the tender one for Miss, 
both of 'cm, in course, by the way. Miss, on getting bers^ gave 
inegBpressable look with the white of her i's, kist the letter, and 
prest it to her busm. Lord Crabs read his quite calm, and then 
they fell a-talking together; and told me to wait awhile, and I 
sh(Kdd git an anser. 

After a deal of counseltation, my Lord brought out a card, and 
there was simply written on it, 



To-morrow^ at the Amhcusador^s, at Twdve. 



" Carry that back to your master, Chawls,'' says he, '* and bid 
him not to fail." 

You may be sure I stept back to him pretty quick, and gave 
him the canl and the messingc. Master lookwl sattasfied with both ; 
but suttnly not over happy ; uo man is tlie day before his marridge ; 
much more his marridge with a humpba(*k, Harriss though she be. 

Well, as he was a-going to depart this bachelor life, he did what 
every man in such suckmstances ought to do : he made liis will, — 
that is, he made a dispasition of his property, and wrote letters to 
his creditors telling them of his lucky chance : and that after his 
marridge he woukl sutauly pay them every stiver. Be/ore^ they 
must know his pov\'aty well enough to be sure that payudnt was 
out of the question. 

To do him justas, he seam'd to be inclinwl to do the thing that 
was right, now that it didn't put him to any inkinvenients to do sa 

" Chawls," says he, handing me over a tenpun-note, " here's 
your wagis, and thank you for getting me out of the scrape with 
the bailiffs : when we are married, you shall be my valet out of 
liv'ry, and I'll treble your salary." 

His vallit ! praps his butler ! Yes, thought I, here's a chance 
— a vallit to ten thousand a year. Nothing to do but to shave 
him, and read his notes, and let my whiskers grow; to dress in 
spick and span block, and a clean shut per day; muffings eveiy 
night in the housekeeper's room ; the pick of the gals in the servants' 
hall ; a chap to clean my boots for me, and my master's opera bone 
reglar once a week. / knew what a vallit was as well as any 
genlmn in service ; and this I can tell you, he's genrally a hapier. 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 319 

idler, handaomer, mor genlxnnly man than his master. He Las 
more money to spend, for genlmn tinll leave their silver in their 
waistcoat pockets; more siucess among the gals; as good dinners, 
and as good wine — that is, if he's friends with the butler : and 
friends in corse they will be if they know which way their interest 
lies. 

But these are only cassels in the air, what the French call shutter 
dE$pang, It wasn't roat in the book of fate that I was to be Mr. 
Deuceace's vallit. 

Days will pass at last — even days before a wedding (the longist 
and nnpleasantist day in the whole of a man's life, I can tell you, 
ex(*ep, may be, the day before his hanging) ; and at length An)arer 
dawned on the suspicious morning which was to unite in the bonds 
of Hyming the Honrable Algernon Percy Deucoaco, Exijuire, and 
Miss Matilda Griffin. My master's wanlrobe wasn't so rich as it 
had been ; for he'd left the whole of his nicknax and tnnnpry of 
dressing-cases and rob dy slianis, his bewtiflc muscimi of varnished 
boots, his curous colleckshn of Stulz and Staub c<Nits, when he had 
been aUeaged to quit so sudnly our pore dear lodginx at the Hotel 
Mirabew ; and being incog at a friend's house, ad contentid himself 
with onlring a cooplo of shoots of cloves from, a common tailor, with 
a suffishnt quantaty of linning. 

Well, he put on the best of his coats — a blue ; and I thought it 
my duty to ask him whether he'd want his fnn-k again : he was 
good-nature<l and said, "Take it and be hanged to you." Half-])ast 
eleven o'clock came, and I was sent to look out at the door, if there 
were any suspicious charicters (a precious good nose I have to find 
a bailiff out I can tell you, and an i wliich will almost see one round 
a comer) ; and presently a ver}' modest green glass-coach droave up, 
and in master stept. I didn't, in corse, appear on the box ; because, 
being known, my appearints might have compromised master. But 
I took a short cut, and walked as quick as posbil down to the Rue 
dc Fobuig St Honor^, where liis exlnsy the English amlMunlor lives, 
and where marriflgcs arc always ])erformed betwigst English folk 
at Paris. 

• •••••• 

There is, almost nex door to the anibasdor's hotel, another hotel, 
of tliat lo kind which the French call cabbyrays, or wine-houses ; 
anil jest as master's green glassK^oiu'h pulled up, anotlier cuai-h drove 
off, out of which came two lailies, wliom I knew pn»tty well, — 
suffiz, that one had a humpback, and the ingenious n^mler will know 
why ihe came there ; the other was i^oor Miss Kicksey, who came 
to see her turned off. 

Welly master's glass-coach droav up, jest as I got within a few 



S20 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

yards of the door ; our carridge, I say, droay up, and atopt Down 
gits ooachmin to open the door, and comes I to give Mr. Deneeaee 
an arm, when — out of the cabe^y shoot four fellows, and draw np 
betwigst the coach and embassy dear ; two other chaps go to the 
other doar of the carridge, and, opening it, one says — " Rendei-TOQB, 
Monsieur Deuceace ! Je vous am&te au nom de la UAl** (wfaidi 
means, "Get out of that, Mr. D. ; you are nabbed, and no mistake'T- 
Master turned gashly pail, and sprung to the other side <^ the 
coach, as if a serpint had stung him. He flung open the door, and 
was for making ofi* that way ; but he saw the four chape standing 
betwigst libbarty and him. He slams down the front window, and 
screams out, ''Fouettez, cocher!'' (which means, "Go it^ cnarhmin!") 
in a despert loud voice ; but coachmin wooden go it, and besides was 
off his box. 

The long and short of the matter was, that jest as I came up to 
the door two of the bums jumpeil into the carridge. I saw all ; I 
knew my duty, and so very momfly I got up behincL 

"Tiens," says one of the chaps in the street; "c'est ce drMe 
qui nous a flou^ Tautre jour." I knew 'em, but was too melumcoHy 
to smile. 

"Oti irons-nous done?" says coachmin to the genlmn who had 
got inside. 

A deep woice from the intearor shoiiteil out, in rt?ply to the 
coachmin, " A Sainte Pelagie ! " 

Ami now, pnips,- I ot to dixcribe to you the humours of 
the prizii of Sainte Pelagie, which is the French for Fleat, or 
Queen 8 Bentoh : but on this subject I'm rather shy of writ- 
ing, partly because the admiral Boz has, in the history of Mr. 
Pickwick, made such a dixcripshuu of a i)rizn, that mine wooden 
read very amyousingly afterwids ; au<l, also, because, to tell you 
the truth, I didn't stay long in it, being not in a humer to 
waist my igsistance by passing away the esirs of my youth in such 
a dull place. 

My fust errint now was, as you may phansy, to carry a noat 
from master to his destined bride. The poar thing was sadly taken 
aback, as I can tell you, when she found, after remaining two hours 
at the Embassy, that her husband didn*t make his appearance. And 
so, after staying on and on, and yet seeing no husband, she was forsed 
at last to trudge dishconslit home, where I was already waiting for 
her with a letter from my master. 

There was no use now denying the fact of his arrest, and so he 
confest it at oust ; but he made a cock-and-bull story of treacheiy of 
a fnend| infimous fodgcry, and Heaven knows what. However, it 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 321 

didn't matter much ; if he had told her that he had been betrayed 
by the man in the moon, she would have bleavd him. 

Lady Griffin never used to appear now at any of my visits. She 
kep one drawing-room, and Miss dineil and lived alone in another ; 
they quarld so much that praps it was best they should live apart ; 
only my Lord Crabs used to see both, comforting each with that 
winning and innsnt way he had. He came in as Miss, in tears, was 
lisning to my account of master's seazure, and hoping that the j)ri8n 
wasn't a horrid place, with a nasty horrid dui\jeon, and a dreadlie 
jailer, and nasty horrid bread and water. Law bless us ! she had 
bomxl her ideers from the novvles she had been reading ! 

** my Lord, my Lonl," says she, " have you heard this fatal 
story ? " 

" Dearest Matilda, wJiat ? For Heaven's sake, you alarm me ! 
What — yes — no — is it — no, it can't be ! Speak ! " says my Lord, 
seizing me by the cholcr of my coat. " What has hajipened to 
my boy t " 

" Please you, my Lord," says I, " he's at tliis moment in prisn, 
no wuss, — having been iucarserated about two hours ago." 

'* In prison ! Algernon in prison ! 'tis impossible ! Imprisoned, 
for wliat sum ? Mention it, an<l I will pay to the utmost farthing 
in my power." 

" I'm sure your Lordship is very kind," says I (recklecting the 
scan betwixgst Idm and master, whom he wante<l to diddil out of a 
thowsand lb.) ; "and you'll be liappy to hear lie's only in for a trifle. 
Five thousand pound is, I think, iiretty near the mark." 

" Five thousand ])ounds ! — confusion ! " says my Lonl, clasping 
his hands, and looking up to heaven, " and I have not five hundred ! 
Dearest Matilda, how shall we help him ? " 

" Alas, my Lord, I have but three guineas, and you know how 
Laily Griffin has the " 

" Yes, my sweet child, I know what you would say ; but be of 
good cheer — Algernon, you know, has ample fimds of his own." 

Thinking my Lonl meant Dawkins's five thousand, of which, to 
be sure, a good lump was left, I held my tung ; but I cooden help 
wondering at Lonl Crabe' igstream compashn for his son, and Miss, 
with her £10,000 a year, having only 3 guineas in her {Kx-kit. 

I took home (bless us, what a home !) a long and ver}* inflanible 
letter from Miss, in which she dixscribed her own Forror at the <iis 
appointment ; swoar she lov'd him only the nioar for his misfortns ; 
made light of them ; as a pusson for a paltry sum of five thousand 
pound ought never to be cast down, 's])o<'ially as he had a certain 
independence in view ; and vowed that nothing, nothing nhoidd ever 
ii^jaioe her to part from him, et^ettler, etsettler 



322 MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

I tolfl master of the convereation which had pf»ed brtwjgrt me 
and my Lonl, and of his handsome offeiB, and his h<nnnr mt heariof 
of his son's being taken ; and likewise mentioned how atnuige it was 
that Miss should only have 3 guineas, and with such m fintD : bleoB 
us, I should have thot that she would always have caiiied ahmidred 
thowsnd lb. in her pockit ! 

At this master only said Pshaw ! But the rest ci the stey 
about his father seemed to dixquiet him a good deal, and he made 
me repeat it over agin. 

He walked up and down the room agytated, and it seam'd as if 
a new lite was breaking in upon him. 

''Chawls,'* says he, "did you observe — did Miss — did my 
&ther seem particularly intimate with Miss Griffin 1 " 

" How do you mean, sir 1 " says I. 

'' Did Lord Crabs appear very fond of Miss Griffin t " 

" He was suttnly very kind to her." 

" Come, sir, speak at once : did Miss Griffin seem very fond of 
hisLoidship?" 

" Why, to tell the truth, sir, I must say she seemed very finid 
of him." 

" What did he call her ? " 

" He called her his dearest gal." 

" Did he take her hand ] " 

" Yes, and he " 

" And he what ? " 

"He kist her, and told her not to be so wery down-hearted 
about the misfortn which had hapnd to you." 

'^ I have it now ! " says he, clinching his fist, and growing 
gashly pail — " I have it now — the infernal old hoaiy scoundrel ! 
the wicked imnatural wretch ! He would take her from me ! " 
And he poured out a volley of oaves which are impossbill to be 
repeatid here. 

I tliot as much long ago : and when my Lord kem with his 
vizits 80 pretious affeckshnt at my Lady Griffinses, I expected some 
such game was in the wind. Indeed, Fd heard a somethink of it 
from the Griffinses servnts, that my Lord was mighty tender with 
the ladies. 

One thing, however, was evident to a man of his intleckshal 
capassaties : he must either marry the gal at oust, or he stood veiy 
small chance of having her. He must get out of limbo immediantiy, 
or hiu respectid Either might be stepping into his vaykint shoes. 
Oh ! he saw it all now — the fust attempt at arest, the marridge 
fixt at 12 o'clock, and the bayliffs fixt to come and intamp tlie 
marridge ! — the jewel, praps, betwigst him and De FOrge : but no^ 



THE AMOUBS OF MR DEUCEACE 323 

it was the woman who did that — a tnan don't deal such fowl blows, 
igspedally a fitther to his son : a woman may, poar thing ! — she's 
no other means of reventch, and is used to fight with underhand 
wepns all her life through. 

Well, whatever the pint might be, this Dcuceacc saw pretty 
clear that he'd been beat by his father at his own game — a trapp 
set for him onst, which had been dcfitted by my presnts of mind — 
another trap set afterwids, in which my Lord had been siixesfle. 
Now, my Lord, roag as he was, was much too good-natured to do 
an unkind ackshn, mcarly for the sake of doing it. He'd got to 
that pich that he didn't mind ii\jaries — they were all fair play to 
him — he gave 'em and reseav'd them, without a thouglit of mallis. 
If he wanted to ii\jer his son, it was to benefi(;k himself. And how 
was this to be done ? By getting the hairiss to himself, to l)e sure. 
The Honrabble Mr. D. didn't say so ; but I knew his feelinx well 
enough — he regretted that he had not given the old genlmn the 
money he askt for. 

Poar fello ! he thought he had hit it ; but he was wide of the 
mark after alL 

Well, but what was to be done? It was clear that he must 
marry the gal at any rate — coothj cooi^ as the French say : that is, 
marry her, and hang the igspence. 

To do so he must first git out of prisn — to get out of prisn he 
must pay his debts — and to pay his debts, he must ^Hve every 
shilling he was worth. Never mind : four thousand ]K)imd is a 
small stake to a reglar gambler, igspecially when he must j>luy it, 
or rot for life in prisn ; and when, if he i>Iays it well, it will give 
him ten thousand a year. 

So, seeing there was no help for it, he maid up his mind, and 
aoeordiiigly wrote the follying letter to Miss Griffin : — 

" My Adored Matilda, — Your letter has indeetl boon a com- 
fort to a poor fellow, who liod hope<l that this night would have 
been the most blessed in his life, and now finds himself condoinned 
to spend it within a prison wuU I You know the accurRc<l con- 
spiracy which has brought these liabilities upon mo, and tho f<H>Ii8h 
fnendship which has cost me so much. But wlmt matters ! We 
have, aa you say, enough, even though I must pjiy this nhamefiU 
demand upon me ; and five thousand pounds are m nothing, com- 
pared to the happiness which I lose in being separated a ni^'Iit from 
thee ! Connige, however ! If I make a sacrifice it is for you ; and 
I were heartless indeed if I allowed my own losses to balance for m 
momoit against your happiness. 

** la it not so, beloved one ? h not your happiness bound op 



$14 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 



with mine, in a union with me ? I am proud to think bo — proml, 
too, to offer such a humble proof as this of tho depth and purity of 
my affection. 

'' Tell me that you will still be mine ; tell me that you wiD be 
mine to-morrow ; and to-morrow these vile chains shall be remoTed, 
and I will be free once more — or if bound, only bound to jrou I My 
adorable Matilda ! my betrothed bride ! write to me ere the evening 
closes, for I shall never be able to shut my eyes in slumber upon 
my prison couch, until they have been first blessed by the sight 
or a few wonls from thee ! Write to me, love I write to me I I 
languish for the reply which is to make or mar me for ever. — ^Yoor 
affectionate, A. P. D." 

Having polisht off this epistol, master intnistid it to me to cany, 
and bade me at the same time to try and give it into Miss Gkiffin's 
hand alone. I ran ^ith it to Lady Griffinses. I found MiBS, as I 
desired, in a sollatary condition ; and I presented her with master's 
pafewmed Billy. 

She read it, an«l the number of size to which she gave vint, ami 
the tciirs which she slietl, beggar digscription. She wep and sighed 
until I thought she would bast. She even claspt my hand in herX 
and said, " O Charles ! is he verj', vcr>' miserable 1 " 

" He is, ma'am," says I ; " very miserable indeetl — nobody, 
upon my honour, could Ik* miserableror.*' 

On hearing this ]H^thetic remark, her mind was made up at oust : 
and sitting down to lier oskR^wtaw, slic innnediantly ablcageil master 
with an answer. Here it is in black and white : — 

" My iii*is<^ne<l bird shall pine no more, but fly home to its nest 
in these anns I Adorcil ^VJgemon, I will meet thee to-morrow, at 
the same pla<*c, at the same hour. Then, then it will be impossible 
for aught but deatli to divide us. M. G.'' 

This kind of fiiunry style conies, you see, of reading nowles, 
and cultivating litter}' pursliuits in a small way. How much better 
is it to be puttirkly ignorant of tho hart of writing, and to trust to 
the writing of the heart. This is nvj style : artyfiz I despise, and 
trust compleatly to mitur : but irvnong a no nwotoruj^ as our conti- 
nential friends remark : to that nice white sheep, Algernon Perry 
Deuceace, Exquire ; that wenrabble oltl nun, my Lord Crabs his 
father; and that tender and dellvgit voung lamb, Mb« Matilda 
Griffin. 

She had just foalded up into its proper triangular sliape the 
noat transcribed abuff, and I was just on the point of saying, 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 325 

according to my master's orders, '* Miss, if you please, the Honrabble 
Mr. Deuceacc would be very much ableagcd to you to keep the 

semiuary which is to take place to-morrow a profound se ," 

when my master's fiither entered, and I fell back to the door. Miss, 
without a word, rusht into his anns, burst into teers agin, as was 
her reglar way (it must be confest she was of a very mist con- 
stitution), and showing to him his son's note, crieil, " Look, my 
dear Lord, how nobly your Algernon, our Algernon, writes to me. 
Who can doubt, after this, of the purity of his matchless 
affection ? " 

My Lord took the letter, read it, seamed a good deal amyoused, 
and returning it to its owner, said, very much to my surprise, " My 
dear Miss Griffin, he certiiinly does seem in earnest ; and if you 
choose to make this match without the consent of your mother-in-law, 
you know the consequences, and are of course your own mistress." 

" Consequences ! — fi>r shame, my Lonl ! A little money, more 
or less, wliat matters it to two hearts like ours ? " 

"Hearts are very pretty things, my sweet young Imly, but 
Three-per-Cents. are better." 

" Nay, have we not an ample income of our own, without the 
aid of Ln<ly Griffin ? " 

My Lord shrugged his shoulders. " Be it so, my love," says 
he. " I*m sure I can have no other reason to j)revent a union which 
is foun<led upon such disintereste<l affection." 

And here the conversation dropt. Miss n^tired, clasping her 
hands, and making play with the whites of her iV. My Lonl •l>ogiin 
trotting up and down the room, with his fat hands stuck in his 
britchis pockits, his coimtnince lighted u]) with igstream joy, and 
singing, to my inorduit igstonishment — 

" Sco the conquering hero corner ! 
Tiddy diddy doll— tiddydoll, dull, doll" 

He began singing this song, and tearing up and down the room 
like mail. I stood amaz<l — a new light bn)ke in u]Mm mo. He 
wasn't going, then, to make love to Miss Griffin ! Master miglit 

marry her ! Had she not got the for ? 

I say, I was just standing stock still, my eyes fixt, my hands 
puppindicklar, my mouf wide ojien, and tliCKe igntrordinary thoughts 
{Missing in my mind, when my Lord having got to the last " doll " 
of his song, just as I came to the silHble " for " of my ventrilo^iuism, 
or inwanl speech — we ha^l eatch jest reache<l the pint digs<'ribe<l, 
when the meditations of both were sudnly stopt, by my Lonl, in the 
midst of his singin and trottin match, coming lM»lt up aginst )Kiar 
me, eending me up aginst one end of the room, himself flying back 



326 MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. TELL0WPLU8H 

to the other : and it was only after oonaidrabble agitation that we 
were at length reatored to anything like a liquilibrium. 

*' What, you here, you infernal rascal 1 " says my Lord. 

"Your Lordship's very kind to notus me," says I; ''I am 
here." And I gave him a look. 

He saw I knew the whole game. 

And after whisling a bit, as was his halnt when pmiled (I 
bleave he*d have only whislctl if he had been told he was to be 
hanged in live minits), aft;er whisling a bit, he stops sudnly, and 
coming up to me, says — 

" Hearkye, Charles, this marriage must take place to-morrow.'' 

** Must it, sir I " says I ; " now, for my port, I don't think " 

" Stop, my good fellow ; if it does not take place, what do yon 
gain?" 

This stagger'd me. If it didn't take place, I only loat a ritoa- 
tion, for master had but just enough money to pay his detts ; and 
it wooden soot my book to serve him in prisn or starving. 

"Well," says my Lord, "you see the force of my aigimirat 
Now, look here ! " and ho lugs out a crisp, fluttering^ snowy 
HUNDRED-PUN NOTE 1 " If mv SOU and Miss Griffin are mairied 
to-morrow, you shall have this ; and I will, moreover, take you into 
my service, and give you double your present wages." 

Flesh and blood cootlen lx?ar it. " My Lord," says I, laying my 
hand upon my busm, " only give me security, and I'm yours for ever." 

The old noblemin griu'd, and pattid me on the shoulder. 
" Right, my la<l," says he, " right — you're a nice promising youth. 
Here is the best security.'' And he pulls out his pockit-book, 
returns the hundreil-pim bill, and takes out one for fifty. " Here is 
half to-day ; to-morrow you shall have the remainder." 

My fingers trembled a little as I took the pretty fluttering bit 
of paper, about five times as big as any siun of money I had ever 
had in my life. I cast my i ujxm the amount : it was a fifty sure 
enough — a bank poss-bill, made jwiyable to Leonora Emilia Grijin, 
and indorsed by her. The eat was out of the bag. Now, gentle 
reader, I spose you begin to see the game. 

" Recollect, from this day you are in my service." 

" My Lord, you ovcrpoar me with your faviours." 

"Go to the devil, sir," says he ; "do your duty and hold your 
tongue." 

And thus I went from the service of the Honorabble Algernon 
Deuceace to that of liis exlnsy the Right Honorabble Earl of Crabs. 

On going back to prisn, I found Deuceace locked up in that 
oajus place to which his igstravygansies had deservedly led him ; 



II 

CI 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 327 

and felt for him, I must say, a great deal of contemp. A raskle 
such as he — a swindler, who had robbed poar Dawkins of the means 
of igsistance ; who had cheated his fellow-roag, Mr. Richard Blewitt, 
and who was making a musnary marridge with a disgusting creacher 
like Miss Grifl&n, didn merit any compashn on my purt; and I 
determined quite to keep secret the suckmstansies of my privit 
intervew with his exlnsy my present master. 

I gey him Miss Griifinses trianglar, which he read with a 
satasfied air. Then, turning to me, says he : '* You gave this to 
Miss Griffin alone ? '' 

" Yea, sir." 

'* You gave her my message ? " 
Yes, sir." 

And you are quite sure Lord Crabs was not there when you 
gave either the message on the note ? " 

" Not there, upon my lionour," says I. 

" Hang your honour, sir ! Brush my hat and coat, and go call 
a coocA— do you hear 1 " 

• •••••• 

I did as I was ordered; and on coming back found master in 
what's called, I think, the ^refe of the prisn. The officer in waiting 
had out a great register, and was talking to master in the French 
tongue, in coarse ; a number of poar prisners were looking eagerly on. 

"Let ufl see, my lor," says he; "the debt is 98,700 fmncs; 
there are capture expenses, interest so much ; and the whole sum 
amounts to a hundred thousand francs, moins 13." 

Deuceaoe, in a very myjestic way, takes out of his pocket-book 
four thowsnd pun notes. " This is not French money, but I presume 
that you know it. Monsieur Grcffier," says he. 

The greffier turned round to old Solomon, a moncy-clianger, 
who had one or two clients in the prisn, and hapnd luckily to 
be there. " Les billets sont bons," says he. " Jc los j)rcndrai > 
pour cent mille deux cents francs, et j'esi)^re, my lor, de vous 



rev<Mr." 



"Good," says the greffier; "I know them to be g<>o<l, and I 
will give my lor the difference, and make out his release." 

Which was done. The poar debtors gave a feeble clicor, as the 
great dubble iron gates swung open and clang to again, and Deuceace 
stept out, and me after him, to breathe the fR'sh hair. 

He had been in the ])lace but six liours, and was now free 
again — ^free, and to be married to ten thousand a year nex day. 
But, for all that, he lookt very faint and i^ale. He hatl put down 
his great stake ; and when he came out of Sainte Pelagic, he had 
bat fifty poonds left in the world ! 



328 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

Never mind — when onst the money's down, make your mind 
easy ; and so Dcuceace did. He drove back to the H6tel Mirabew, 
where he ordered apartmince infinately more splendid than befor ; 
and I pretty soon told Toinctte, and the rest of the aawants^ how 
nobly he behayved, and how he valyoud four thoosnd poond no 
more than ditch water. And such was the consquindes of my 
praises, and the poplarity I got for us boath, that the delisted 
landlady immediantly charged him dubble what she would have 
done, if it hadn been for my stoaries. 

He ordered splendid apartmince, then, for the nex week; a 
carridge-and-four for Fontaineblcau to-morrow at 12 precisely; and 
having settled all these things, went quietly to the "Roehy de 
Cancale/' where he dined : as well he might, for it was now eight 
o'clock. I <lidn't spare the shompang neither that night, I can tdl 
you; for when I carried the note he gave me for Miss Griffin in 
the evening, informing her of his freedom, that young lady remaiked 
my hagitated manner of walking and speaking, and said, " Honest 
Charles ! he is flusht vrith the events of the day. Here, ChaileB, is 
a napoleon ; take it and drink to your mistress." 

I pockitid it ; but, I must say, I didn't like the money — it 
went against my stomick to take it. 



CHAPTER IX 

THE MARRIAGE 

WELL, the ncx day came: at 12 the carridge-and-four was 
waiting at the ambasdor's doar ; and Miss Griffin and the 
fiuthlie Kicksey were punctial to the aj)intment. 

I don't wish to digscribe the marridge seminary — liow the era- 
basy cliapling jincd the hands of this loving young couple — how one 
of the cmbasy footmin was called in to witness the marridge — how 
Miss wep and fiiinted, as nsial — and how Deuccace carried her, 
fainting, to the brisky, and drove off to Fontingblo, whore they 
were to pass the fiist weak of the honeyiuoon. They took no 
scrvnts, because they wLsht, they said, to be privit. And so, 
when I had shut up the steps, and bid the postilion drive on, I 
bid igew to the Honrabble Algernon, and went oif strait to his 
exlent father. 

" Is it all over, Chawls ? " said he. 

"I saw them turned off at igsackly a cjiuirter i)attt 12, my 
Lonl,'' says I. 

"Did you give Miss Griffin the i»ai)er, as I told you, before 
her marriage 7 " 

** I di<l, my Lonl, in the presents of Mr. Brown, Lonl Bobtail's 
roan ; who can swear to her having hud it." 

I must tell you tliat my Lord had made me read a ])aper which 
Lady Griffin liad ^Titton, and which I was comishnd to give in the 
manner menshnd abuff. It ran to this effect : — 

"According to the authority given me by the will of my lata 
dear husband, I forbid the marriage of Mis.s Griffin with the Honour- 
able Algernon Percy Deuccace. If Mins Griffin ijcrsisti* in the union, 
I warn her that she must abide by the conswiuences of her act. 

"Leonora Emiua Griffin. 

*'RUI Dl RiVOU: ifay 8, 18ia" 

When I gave this to Miss as she entered the cortyanl, a minnit 
before my master's arrivle, she only retul it con tempt iously, and 
said, " I laugh at the threats of Lady Griffin ; " and she tear the 



330 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

paper in two, and walked on, leaning on the arm of the fidthinl and 
obleaging Miss Kicksey. 

I picked up the fiaper for fear of axdenta^ and hrot it to my 
Lord. Not that there was any necessaty; for he'd kep a copy, 
and made me and another witniss (my Lady Griffin's aoUssator) 
read them both, before he sent either away. 

" Good ! " says he ; and he projuiced from his potfolio the feDo 
of that bewchus fifty-pun note, which he'd given me yesterday. '* I 
keep my promise, you see, Charles," says he. ** You are now in 
Lady Grifi&n's service, in the plucc of Mr. Fitzclarence, who letira. 
Go to Froj^s, and get a livery." 

" But, my Lonl," says I, '* I was not to go into Lady Griffinaes 
service, acconiing to the bargain, but into " 

" It's all the same thing," says he ; and he walked oft I went 
to Mr. Froj^'s, and ordered a new livry ; and found, lilnnse, that 
our coachmin and Munseer Mortimer had been there too. My Lady's 
livery was changed, and was now of the same color as my old ooat 
at Mr. Deuccace's; and I'm blest if there wasn't a tremeigioQS great 
earl's corronit on the butins, instid of the Griffin rampint^ whidi 
was worn bofoar. 

I asked no questions, however, but had myself measured ; and 
slep that night at the Plas Vandome. I didn't go out with the 
carridge for a day or two, though ; my Lady only taking one footmin, 
she said, until her new carridtje was turned out. 

I think you can guess what's in the wind note ! 

I bot myself a dressing-case, a box of Ody colong, a few duzen 
lawn sherts and neckclotlis, and other things which were necessary 
for a gculmn in my rank. Silk stockings was provided by the 
niles of the house. Ami I completed the bisniss by writing the 
follying ginteel letter to my late master : — 

Charles Yellowplushy JSsfjui're, to the Honourable A, P. Deueeace, 

" ScR, — Suckinstansies have acunl sias I last had the honner of 
wating on you, which render it iniposshil that I should remane any 
longer in your suvvice. I'll thank you to leave out my thinx, when 
they come home on Sattady from the wash. — Your obc^jnt servnt, 

"Chakles Yellowplush. 

*'Pl-vs Vkndomb." 

The athography of the abuv noat, I confess, is atrocious ; but 
he voolf/voo ? I was only eighteen, and hadn then the ezpearance 
in writing which I've e^jide sins. 

Having thus done my jewty in evry way, I shall proeead, in 
the nex chapter, to say what hapnd in my new place. 



CHAPTER X 



THE HONEYMOON 



THE weak at Fontingblow past quickly away ; and at the end 
of it, our son and daughter-in-law — a pare of nice young 
tuttle^UTB — returned to their nest, at the HOtel Mirabcw. 
I suspeck that the cock turtle-dove was preshos sick of liis barging. 
When they arriv'd, the fust tiling they found on their table was 
a large porsle wrapt up in silver paper, and a newspaper, and a 
couple of cards, tied up with a pea<?e of white ribbing. In the 
parsle was a hansume piece of plum-cake, with a deal of sugar. 
On the cards was wrote, in Goffick characters, 



(Swcl of Ctab0. 



And, in very small Italian, 



Countess of Crabs. 



And in the paper was the following parrowgraff : — 

*'Mabeiage in High Life. — Yesterday, at the British Embassy, 
the Bight Honourable John Augustus Altamont Plantagenct, Earl 
of Crabs, to Leonora Emilia, widow of the late Licutcnant-General 
Sir (Seoige GriflSn, K.C.B. An elegant dejeuner was given to the 
happy couple by his Excellency Lord Bobtail, who gave away the 
bride. The dite of the foreign diplomat\v, the Prince Talleyrand 
and Marshal the Duke of Dalmatia on Whalf of H.M. tlie King of 
France, honoured the banquet and the marriage ceremony. Lord 
and Lady Crabs intend passing a few weeks at Saint Cloud.'' 



The above dockyments, along with my own triffling billy, of 
which I have also givn a copy, greated Mr. and Mrs. Deucence on 



332 MEMOIRS OF MR 0. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

their arrivle from Fontingblo. Not being present^ I can't aaj whaX 
Deuceace said ; but I can fiincy how he lookt, and how pocv Mrs. 
Deuccace lookt They weren't much inclined to rest after the fiteeg 
of the junny ; for, in ^ an hour after their arrival at FtaiB, the 
hoBses were put to the carridge agen, and down they came thunder- 
ing to our country-house at St. Cloud (pronounst by those absnd 
Frcnchmin Sing Kloo), to interrup our. chaste loves and delishs 
marridge iivjyments. 

My Lord was sittn in a crimson satan dressing-gown, lolling on 
a aofii at an open windy, smoaking seagars, as ushle ; her Ladyship, 
who, to du her justice, didn mind the smell, occupied another end of 
the room, and was working, in wusted, a pare of slippers, or an 
umbrcllore case, or a coal-skittle, or some such nonsints. You would 
have thought to have scan 'em t*hat they had been married a sentry, 
at least. Well, I bust in upon this conjugal tator-iatory and said, 
very much alarmed, '^My Lord, here's your son and danghter-in- 
law." 

"Well," says my Lonl, quite calm, "and what then ?" 

" Mr. Deuceace ! " Bays my Lady, starting up, and looking 
friteneil. 

" Yes, my love, my son ; but you need not be alanneil. Pray, 
Charles, 8;iy that Lady Crabs and I will be very happy to see Mr. 
and Mrs. Deuceace : and that they must excuse us receiving them 
en fa in file. Sit still, my blessing — take things coolly. Have you 
got the box with the pai)ers ? " 

My Lady pointed to a great green box — the same from which 
she had taken the pai)ers, when Deuceace fust saw them, — ^and 
handeil over to my Lonl a line gt^ld key. I went out, met Deuceace 
and his wife on the stepps, gjive my messinge, and bowed them 
palitely in. 

My Lonl didn't rise, but smoaked away as usual (praps a little 
quicker, but I can't say) ; my Linly sat upright, looking handsum 
and strong. Deuceace walke<l in, his left ann tieil to his breast, 
his wife and hat on the other. He kx)ked ver>' pale and frightenetl ; 
his wife, poar thing ! had her hea<l berrietl in her handkerchief, and 
sobd fit to break her heart. 

Miss Kicksey, who was in the room (but I didn't mention her, 
she Wiw less than nothink in our house), went up to Mrs. Deuceace 
at onst, and held out her anns — she had a heart, that old Backsey, 
and I respect her for it. The jKHjr hunchback flung herself into 
Miss's arms, with a kind of whix»ping screech, and kep there for 
some time, sobbing in quite a historical manner. I saw there was 
going to be a scan, and so, in cors, left the door tgar. 

" Welcome to Saint Cloud, Algy, my boy ! " says my Lord, in a 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE ^^^ 

loud hearty voice. " You thought you would give us the slip, eh, 
you rogue 1 But wo knew it, my dear fellow : we knew the whole 
affair — did we not, my soul ? — and, you see, kept our secret better 
tlian you did yours." 

" I must confess, sir," says Deuceace, bowing, " that I ha<l no 
idea of the happiness which awaited me in the shape of a mother-in- 
law." 

" No, you dog ; no, no," says my Lonl, giggling ; " old birds, 
you know, not to be caught vrith chaff, like young ones. But here 
we are, all spliced and happy, at last. Sit down, Algernon ; let us 
smoke a segsir, and talk over the perils and adventures of the last 
month. My love," says my Lord, turning to his lady, " you have 
no malic^c against poor Algernon, I tnist? Pray shake la's hnnd,^^ 
(A grin.) 

But my La<ly rose and said, " I have told Mr. Deuceace, that I 
never w^ishetl to see him, or speak to him more. I see no reason, 
now, to change my opinion." And herewith she sailed out of the 
room, by the door through which Kicksey had carrie*! jKwr Mrs* 
Deuceace. 

** Well, well," says my Lord, as Lady Crabs swept by, " I was in 
hopes she had forgiven you ; but I know the whole story, ami I must 
confess you use<l her cruelly ill. Two strings to your bow ! — that was 
your game, was it, you rogue ? " 

" Do you mean, my Lord, that you know all that iwwt Ixjtween 
me and liuly Grif La4ly Crabs, before our quarrel \ '' 

" Perfectly — you made love to her, and she was almost in love 
with you ; you jiltetl her for money, she got a man to t*lnK)t your 
hand off in revenge : no more dit^e-boxes, now, I)eucc»ai'e ; no more 
muUr la coup, I can't think how the deuce you will manage to 
live without them." 

" Your lordship is very kind ; but I have given up jilay alto- 
gether," says Deuceace, looking mighty black and uneasy. 

" Oh, indeed ! Benedick has tume<l a moral man, has he ? 
This is better and better. Are you thinking of going into the 
Church, Deuceace ? " 

" My Lonl, may I ask you to be a little more seriouH ? " 

"Serious! h quoi f>onf I am serious — serious in my surjirise 
that» when you might have had either of these women, you should 
have preferml that hideous wife of yours.'' 

" May I ask you, in turn, how you came to be so little wiucjimish 
alKMit a wife, as to choose a woman who ha<l jUst Iktu making love 
to your own son 1 " says Deuceace, gn»wing fierce. 

"How can you ask such a question? I owe forty thousand 
pomidB — there is an execution at Sizes Hall— every acre I liave is 



334 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

in the hands of my creditors ; and that's why I manied her. Do 
you think there was any love 7 Lady Crahs is a devlish fine woman, 
but she's not a fool — she married me for my coronet^ and I manied 
her for her money." 

" Well, my Lord, you need not ask me, I think, why I manied 
the daughter-in-law." 

"Yes, but I do, my dear boy. How the deuce are you to 
live 1 Dawkins's five thousand pounds .won't kst for erer. And 
afterwards r' 

" You don't mean, my Lord — you don't — I mean, you can't 

D ! " says he, starting up, and losing all patience, " you don't 

dare to say that Miss Griffin had not a fortune of ten thouBand 
a year?" 

My Lord was rolling up, and wetting betwigst his lips, another 
segar ; he lookt up, after he had lighted it, and said quietly — 

" Certainly, Miss Griffin had a fortune of ten thousand a year." 

"Well, sir, and has she not got it now! Has she spent it in 
a week?" 

*^She kcu not got a sixpence now: she married witkaut her 
mother^ s consent ! " 

Deuceace sank down in a chair ; and I never see such a dreadful 
picture of despair as there was in the fiice of that retchid man I — he 
writhc<l, and nasht his teeth, he tore open his coat, and wriggled 
madly the stump of his lefl hand, until, fairly beat, he threw it over 
his livid pale face, and sinking backwards, fairly wept alowd. 

Bah ! it's a dreddfie thing to hear a man crying ! his pashn torn 
up from the very roots of his heart, as it must be before it can git 
such a vent. My Lonl, meanwhile, rolleil his segar, lighted it, and 
went on. 

" My dear boy, the girl hi\s not a shilling. I wished to have 
lefl you alone in peace, with your four thousand pounds ; you miglit 
have lived decently upon it in Germany, where money is at 5 per 
cent., where yoiu" duns would not find you, and a couple of hundred 
a year would have kept you and your wife in comfort. But, you 
see, Lady Crabs would not listen to it. You had iivjured her ; and, 
after she had tried to kill you and failed, she determined to ruin 
you, and succeeded. I must own to you that I directed the arrest- 
ing business, and put her up to buying yoiu: protested bills : she 
got them for a trifle, and as you have paid them, has made a good 
two thousand pounds by her baigain. It was a painful thing, to 
be sure, for a father to get his son arrested ; but que voulez-vous ! 
I did not appear in the transaction : she would have you ruined ; 
and it was absolutely necessary that i/ou should many before I 
could, so I pleaded your cause with Miss Griffin, and made you the 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 335 

happy man you are. Tou rogue, you rogue ! you thought to match 
your old £stther, did you t But, never mind ; lunch will be ready soon. 
In the meantime, have a segar, and drink a glass of Sauteme." 

Deuoeaoe, who had been listening to this speech, sprung up 
wildly. 

" 111 not believe it," he said : " it's a lie, an infernal lie ! foi^ged 
by you, you hoary villain, and by the murderess and strumpet you 
have married. I'll not believe it: show me the will. Matilda! 
Matilda!'' shouted he, screaming hoarsely, and flinging open the 
door by which she luul gone out. 

"Keep your temper, my boy. You are vexed, and I feel 
for you : but don't use such bad language : it is quite needless, 
believe me." 

" Matilda ! " shouted out Deuceace again ; and the poor crooked 
thing came trembling in, followed by Miss Elicksey. 

" Is this true, woman ? " says he, clutching hold of her liaud. 

" What, dear Algernon ? " says she. 

" What 1 " screams out Deuceace, — " what ? Why, that you 
are a beggar, for marrying without your mother's consent — that 
you basely lied to me, in order to bring about this match — that 
you are a swindler, in conspiracy with that old fiend yonder and 
the she<levil his wife ? " 

" It is true," sobbed the poor woman, " that I have nothing ; 
but " 

"Nothing but what? Wliy don't you speak, you drivelling 
fool!" 

" I have nothing ! — but you, dearest, liave two thousand a year. 
Is that not enough for us ? You love me for myself, don't you, 
Algernon t You have told me so a thousand times — say so again, 
flear husband; and do not, do not be so unkind." And here she 
sank on her knees, and clung to liim, and tried to catch his hand, 
and kiss it 

" How much did you say ] " says my Lortl. 

" Two thousand a year, sir ; he has told us so a thousand times." 

" Two thousand I Two thou — ho, ho, ho ! — haw ! haw ! haw ! " 
roars my Lord. " TImt is, I vow, the best thing I over heard in 
my life. My dear creature, he has not a shilling — not a single 
maravedi, by all the gods and goddesses." And thitf exlnt noblemin 
began laffin louder than ever : a very kind and feeling genlmn he 
was, as all must confess. 

There was a paws : and Mrs. Deuceace didn begin cussing and 
swearing at her husband as he had done at her : she only said, " Oh 
Algernon ! Is this true 1 " and got up, and went to a chair, and wep 
in qniflti 



336 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

My Lord opened the great box. "If you or your kwyen 
would like to examine Sir Greoige's will, it is quite at your service ; 
you will sec hero the proviBo which I mentioned, that gives the 
entire fortune to Lady Griffin — Lady Crabs that is : and here, my 
dear boy, you see the danger of hasty conclusions. Her Indyriiip 
only showed you the first jxufe of the ttn'llf of course ; she wanted 
to try you. You thought you made a great stroke in at once pro- 
posing to Miss Griffin — do not mind it, my love, he really loves 
you now very sincerely ! — ^whcn, in fact, you would have done 
much better to liavc read the rest of the will. You were completely 
bitten, my boy — humbugged^ bamboozled — ay, and by your old 
fiither, you dog. I told you I would, you know, when you refused 
to lend me a portion of your Dawkins money. I told you I would ; 
and I did, I ha^ you the very next day. Let this be a lesson 
to you, Percy, my boy ; don't try your luck again against such old 
hands : look deuced well before you leap ; andt alteram parteMy my 
lad, which means, read both sides of the will I think lunch is 
ready ; but I see you don't smoke. Shall we go in ? " 

** Stop, my Lonl," says Mr. Dcuceace, very humble : " I shall 
not share yoiu" hospitality— but — but you know my condition ; I 
am penniless — you know the manner in which my wife has been 
brought up '* 

** The Honourable Mrs. Deuroacc, sir, shall always find a home 
here, as if nothing had occurred to interrupt the friendsliip between 
her dear mother and herself." 

" And for me, sir,'' sjiys Dcuceace, speaking fiiint, and very 
slow; *'I hoiK? — I tnist — I think, my Lonl, you will not for- 
get me ? " 

" Forget you, sir ; certainly not." 

"And that you will make some proiision ?" 

" Algernon Dcuceace," says my Ix)nl, getting up from the sophy, 
and looking at him with sich a jolly malignity, as / never see, " I 
declare, before Heaven, that I will not give you a penny I " 

Hereupon my Lord held out his hand to Mrs. Dcuceace, and 
said, "My dear, will you join your mother and me? We shall 
always, as I said, have a home for you." 

" My Lord," said the poar thing, dropping a curtsey, " my home 
is with ht:n /" 



About tliree months after, when the season was beginning at 
Paris, and the autumn leafs was on the groimd, my Lord, my 



THE AMOURS OF MR DEUCEACE 337 

Lady, me and Mortimer, were taking a stroal in the Boddy Balong, 
the carridge driving on slowly ahead, and us as happy as possbill, 
admiring the pleasant woods and t)ie gohln sunset. 

My Lord was cxpayshating to my Lady ujwn the exquizit l)eauty 
of the sean, and pouring forth a host of butiflc and virtuous scnta- 
menta sootable to the hour. It was dalitefle to hear him. " All ! " 
said he, " bkck must he the heart, my love, which does not feel the 
influenee of a scene like this ; gathering, as it were, from those sunlit 
skies, a portion of their celestial gold, and gaining somewhat of heaven 
with each pure draught of this delicious air ! " 

Lady Crabs did not speak, but prest his arm and looke<l upwards. 
Mortimer and I, too, felt some of the infliwents of the scan, and 
lent on our goold sticks in silence. The carriage drew ui> close to 
us, and my Lord and my Lady sauntered slowly tonls it. 

Jest at the place was a bench, and on the benc^h sate a poorly 
drest woman, and by her, leaning against a tree, was a man whom 
I thought I*d sean befor. He was drest in a shabby blew coat, 
with white seems and copper buttons ; a torn hat was on his heail, 
and great quantaties of matted hair and whinkers disfiggared his 
countnints. He was not shave<l, and as ])ale as stone. 

My Lonl and Lady didn tak the slightest notice of him, but 
post on to the carridge. Me and Mortimer lickwise took our places. 
As we past, the man hml got a grip of the woman's shoulder, who was 
holding down her hea<l, sobbing bitterly. 

No sooner were my Lonl and Lady seatetl, than they both, with 
Igstream dellixy and gootl natur, bust into a ror of lafter, pcjil upon 
peal, whooping and screaching enough to frighten the evening silents. 

Deuceace turned round. I see his face now — the face of a 
devvle of hell ! Fust, he lookt towanls the carridge, and ])inted to 
it with his maimed arm ; then he raised the other, and struck the 
tr€nnan by hU tide. She fell, screaming. 

Poor thing 1 Poor thing ! 






MR. YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW 



THE end of Mr. Deuceace's history is going to be the end of 
my corrispondinoe. I wish the public was as soiy to part 
with me as I am with the public ; becaws I fiinsy reely that 
we've become frends, and feal for my part a becoming greaf at 
saying igew. 

It's imposbill for mc to continyow, however, arWiitin, as I have 
done — violetting the rules of authography, and trampling upon the 
fiist princepills of English grammar. When I b^gan, I Imew no 
better : when I'd carrid on these papers a little further, and grew 
acciistmd to writin, I began to smel out somethink quear in my 
style. "Within the last sex weaks I liave been learning to spell : 
and when all the world was rejoicing at the festiwaties of our 
youthful Quean* — when all i's were fixt upon her long sweet of 
ambasdors and princes, following the splendid carridgc of Maishle 
the Duke of Damlatiar, and blinking at the pearls and dimince of 
Prince Oystereasy — Yellowi>lu3]i was in his loanly pantry — hU 
eyes were fixt upon the spelling-lxx)k — his heart was bent upon 
mastriiig the diffickleties of the littery professhn. I have been, in 
fact^ convert icL 

You shall here how. Ours, you know, is a Wig house ; and 
ever sins his third son has got a phice in tJie Treasury, his secknd 
a captingsy in the Guards; his fust, the secretary of embasy at 
Pekin, with a prospick of being appinteil ambasdor at Loo Choo 
— ever sins masters sons have reseaved these attentions, and 
master himself has had the i)romis of a pearitch, he has been the 
most reglar, consistnt, hoiirabblc Libbaral, in or out of the House 
of Commins, 

Well, being a Whig, it's the fiishn, as you know, to rcseave 
littery pipple ; and acconlingly, at dinner, tother day, whose name 
do you think I had to hollar out on the fiist landing-place about a 
wick ago ? After several dukes and markises luul been enounced, a 
very gentoU fly drives up to our doar, and out steps two gentlemen. 
One was pail, and wor spektickles, a wig, and a white neckcloth. 

* This was written in 183S. 



MR YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW 339 

The other was slim with a hook noee, a pail fase, a small waist, a 
pare of fidling shoulders, a tight coat, and a catarack of hlack 
Batting tumbling out of his busm, and falling into a gilt relvet 
weskit. The little genlmn settled his wigg, and pulled out his 
ribbina ; the younger one fluffed the dust of his shoos, looked at his 
wiskers in a little pockit-glas, settled his crevatt ; and they both 
mounted upstairs. 

^* What name, sir ? " says I, to the old genlmn. 
" Name ! — a ! now, you thief o* the wurrld," says he, "do you 
]M«tind nat to know nie? Say it's the Cabinet Cyclopa — no, I 
mane the Ldtherary Chran — psha ! — bluthanowns ! — say it's Docthor 
DiocLESiAN Larner — I think he'll know me now — ay, Nid?" 
But the genlmn called Nid was at the botm of tlie stare, and pre- 
tended to be very busy with his shoo-string. So the little genlnm 
went upatarea alone. 

" Doctor Diolesius Larner ! " says I. 
"Doctor Athakasius Lardner!" says Greville Fitz-Roy, 
our aecknd footman, on the fust landing-place. 

" Boctor IgnattU0 Eonola ! " says the groom of the chambers, 
who pretends to be a scnollar; and in the little genlmn went. 
When safely housed, the other chap came ; and when I asked him 
his name, said, in a thick, gobbling kind of voice — 
" Sawedwadgeoigeearllittubulwig." 
" Sir whatr* says I, quite agast at the name. 
"Sawedwad — no, I mean Mistaiccdwad Lyttn Bulwig." 
My nets trembled umler me, my i's fild with tiers, my voice 
shook, as I past up the venrabble name to the other footman, and 
saw this fust of English writers go up to the drawing-room ! 

It's needless to mention the names of the rest of the compny, 
or to dixcribe the suckmstansies of the dinner. Suffiz to say that 
the two littery genlmn bcliave<l very well, and soame<l to have 
good appytights ; igspecially the little Irishman in the whig, who 
et, drunk, and talked as much as ^ a duzn. He told how he'd 
been presented at cort by liis friend, Mr. Bulwig, and how the 
Quean had received 'em both, with a dignity un<ligscribable ; and 
how her blessid Migisty asked what was the bony iidy sale of the 
Gabinit Cyclopedy, and how he (Doctor Lamer) told her that, on 
his honner, it was under ten thowsnd. 

You naay guess that the Doctor, when he made this sikmicIi, was 
pretty hi gone. The fact is, tliat whether it was the coronation, 
or the goodness of the wine (cappitle it is in our house, / can tell 
you), or the natral propcnsaties of the gests assembled, which made 
them so igipedally jolly, I don't know ; but they hail kep up the 
meatiDg pretty late, and our poar butler was quite tire<l with the 



S40 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

perpechual baskits of clarrit which he'd been called upon to hmg 
up. So tliat about 11 o'clock, if I were to say they were meny, I 
ahould use a mild term ; if I wer to say they were intawncmtedy I 
should use an igspresshn more near to the trutli, but less rispeekM 
in one of my situashn. 

The cumpany reseaved this annountsmint with mute eztonish 
ment. 

" Pray, Doctor Lamder," says a spiteful genlmn, willing to keep 
up the littery conversation, " what is the Cabinet Cyclopeediaf ' 

"It's the littherar}' wontherr of the wurrld," says he; "and 
sure your Lordship must have seen it ; the latther numbers ispiciaJly 
— cheap as durrt, bound in gleeze<l calico, six shillings a ToUum. 
The illusthrious neems of Walther Scott, Thomas Moore, Docther 
Southey, Sir James Mackintosh, Docther Donovan, and mesel^ are 
to be found in the list of conthributors. It's the I^yniz of 
Cyclopcgies — a litherary Bacon." 

" A wlrnt ? " says the genlmn nex to him, 

" A Batx^n, shining in the darkness of our age ; fild wid the pure 
end kmbont flame of science, burning with the gorrgeous scin- 
tillations of divine litherature — a monumintum in fact, are jttr- 
inniusy bound in pink calico, six shillings a vollum." 

"This wigmawole," said Mr. Bulwig (who seemed rather dis- 
gusted that his friend sliould take up so much of the convassation), 
" this wigmawolc is all vewy well ; but it s curious tliat you don't 
wemeniber, in chawactewisiug the litcwawy mewits of the vawious 
magiizines, cwoniclcs, weviews, and encyclopaedias, the existence of 
a cwitioid wovicw an«l litewaw>- chwonicle, which, though the aewa 
of its api»eawance is dato<l only at a vewy few months pwevious to 
the pwesent i>owiod, is*, nevertlieless, so wemarkable for its intwinsic 
mewits as to be wead, not in tlie metwopolis alone, but in the 
countwy — not in Fwaiice merely, but in the west of Euwope — 
whewever our pure "Weiiglish is si>oken, it stwetches its ])eacefid 
sceptre — pewused in Aiuc^^nca, fwom New York to Niagawa — we- 
pwinte<l in Canada, fn>in Montweal to Towonto — and, as I am 
gwatified to hear fwom my fwend the gi>vemor of Cape Coast Castle, 
wegularly weceived in Afwica, and twanslated into tlic Mandingo 
language by the missionawies and the bushwangers. I need not 
say, gentlemen — sir — that is, Mr. Speaker — I mean. Sir John — 
that I allude to the Litewa^y Chwonicle, of which I have the 
honoiu" to be pwincipal contwibutor." 

" Very true, my dear Mr. Bidlwig," says my master : " you and 
I being "Whigs, must of course stand by our own friends ; ami I will 
agree, without a moment's hesitation, that the Literary what-d'ye- 
cali-'em is the prince of periodicals." 



MR YBLLOWPLUSH'S AJEW j^, 

" The Pwince of pewiodicals ? " says Bullwig ; " my dear Sir 
John, it's the empewow of the pwess.*' 

"^ai<, — let it be the emperor of the press, as you poetically 
call it : but, between ourselves, confess it, — Do not the Tory writers 
l>eat your Whigs hollow ? You talk about magazines. Look 
at " 

" Look at hwat ? " shouts out Larder. " There's none, Sir Jan, 
compared to ourrs." 

"Pardon me, I think that " 

" It is * Bentley's Mislany ' you mane ? " says Ignatius, as sharp 
as a niddle. 

"Why, no; but " 

" O thin, it's CVbum, sure ; and that divvle Thayodor — a pretty 
{taper, sir, but light — tliraahy, railk-and-wathery — not stlmmg, like 
the Litherary Chran — good luck to it." 

" Why, Doctor Ljimder, I was going to tell at once the luime of 
the periodical, — it is Fraser's Magazine." 

" Freser ! " says the Doctor. " thunder and turf ! " 

" FwASER ! " says Bullwig. " — ali — hum — liaw — yes — no — 
why, — that is wcally — no, weally, upon my weputation, I never 
before heanl the name of the i)ewio<lical. By-the-bye, Sir John, 
wliat wemarkable good clawet this is ; is it Lawose or Laff ? " 

Laff, indeed ! he cooden git beyond laif ; and I'm blest if I could 
kip it neither, — for hearing him pretend ignunits, and U'ing lK*hind 
the skrcendy scttlin sumthink for the geulmn, I bust into such a raw 
of laffing as never was igseetled. 

" Hullo ! " says Bullwig, turning red. " Have I Kiid anything 
impwobable, aw widiculoiis ? for, weally, I never befaw wecollei*t to 
have beard in society such a twemendous peid of cachinnation — that 
which the twagic bard who fought at Mawathon lias udhnl an ane- 
withmcn ffelasma." 

"Why, be the holy piper," says Lanier, "I thuik you are 
dtbrawing a little on your imagination. Not rernl Fraser ! Don't 
believe him, my Lord Duke : he reads every wonl of it, the rogue ! 
The boys about that magazine baste him as if he was a Hack of oat- 
male. My reason for cr>ing out, Sir Jan, was becaune you niintiouci] 
Fnuer at alL Bullwig has every syllable of it Ik? heart— from the 
paillitix down to the * Yellowplush Corresiwndence.'" 

" Ha, ha ! " says Bullwig, affecting to laff (you may be sure 
my years prickt up when I heanl the name of the ** Yellowplush 
CcMTcspondence "). "Ha, ha! why, to tell twuth, I hiv^ wead the 
cowespondence to which you allude : it's a g\i'eat favowite at Court. 
I was talking with Spuing Wice and JoJm Wussel about it the 
oCiierday.'' 



342 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 



(I 



Well, and what do you think of it t " says Sir John, looking 
mity waggish — for he knew it was me who roat it 

" Why, weally and twuly, there's considewable devernesB tboat 
the cweature ; but it's low, dii^^tingiy low : it violatea pwobafaflity, 
and the orth<^gwaphy is so carefully inaccuwate, that it l equirai a 
poeitiye study to compwehend it" 

" Yes, fhith," says Lamer ; " the arthagraphy is detestiUe ; if s 
as bad for a man to write bad spillin as it is for 'em to speak wid a 
brrogue. Iducation furst, and ganius afterwards. Your heoltii, my 
Lord, and good luck to you." 

"Yaw wemark," says Bidlwig, "is very appwopwiate. Yon 
will wecollect, Sir John, in Hewodotus (as for you, Doctor, you 
know more about Iwish than about Gweek), — you will weooOect, 
without doubt, a stowy nawwated by that cweduloua thou^ ftad- 
nating chwouicler, of a certain kind of sheep which is known only in 
a certain distwict of Awabia, and of which the tail is so enormonfl^ 
that it cither dwaggles on the gwound, or is bound up by the 
shepherds of the country into a small wheelbawwow, or cart, which 
makes the chwouicler sneewingly wemark that thus ' the sheep of 
Awabia have their own chawiots.' I have often thought, sir (this 
clawet is weally nectawcous) — I have often, I say, thought that the 
wace of man may be comijawed to these Awabian sheep — ^genius is 
our tail, education our wheelbawwow. Without art and education 
to pwop it, this genius dwops on the gwound, and is polluted by the 
mud, or injiu^ by the wocks uiwn the way : with the wheelbawwow 
it is stwcngthcned, incweased, and supported — a pwide to the owner, 
a blessing to mankind." 

" A very appropriate simile," says Sir John ; " and I am afraid 
that the genius of oiu* friend Yellowplush has need of some such 
support" 

" A 2)ropo8" said Bull wig, " who is Yellowplush ? I was given 
to understand that the name was only a fictitious one, and that the 
papers were written by the author of the * Diary of a Physician ; ' 
if SO) the man has wonderfully improved in style, and there is some 
hope of him." 

" Bah ! " says the Duke of Doublejowl ; "everybody knows it's 
Barnard, the celebrated author of * Sam Slick.' " 

"Pardon, my dear duke," says Lord Bagwig; "it's the authoress 
of * High Life,' * Almack's,' and other fashionable novels." 

" Fiddlestick's end ! " says Doctor Lamer ; " don't be blushingr 
and prctinding to ask questions : don't we know you, Bullwig? It's 
you yoiwself, you thief of the world : we smoked you from the Ycry 
beginning." 

BuUwig was about indignantly to reply, when Sir John inter- 



MR YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW 34J 

rupted them, and said, — " I must correct you all, gentlemen ; Mr. 
Yellowplush is no other than Mr. Yellowphish : he gave you, my 
dear BuUwig, your last glass of champagne at dinner, and is now an 
inmate of my house, and an ornament of my kitchen ! " 

" Grad ! " says Doublejowl, " let's have him up." 

" Hear, hear ! " says Bagwig. 

" Ah, now," says Lamer, " your Grace is not going to call up 
and talk to a footman, sure 7 Is it gintalc ? " 

" To say the least of it," says Bullwig, " the pwactice is iwwe- 
gular, and indecowous ; and I weally don't see how the interview 
can be in any way pwofitablc." 

But the vices of the company went against the two littery men, 
and everybwly excep them was for having up poor me. The bell 
was wrung ; butler came. " Send up Charles," says master ; and 
Charles, who was standing behind the skreand, was persnly abliged 
to come in. 

" Charies," says master, " I have been telling these gentlemen 
who is the author of the 'Yellowplush Correspondence' in Eraser' 9 
Magazine^ 

*' It's the best magazine in Europe," says the Duke. 

" And no mistake," says my Lord. 

" Hwhat ! " says Lamer ; " and where's the Litherary Chran ? " 

I said myself nothink, but made a bough, and blusht like pickle- 
cabbitch. 

" Mr. Yellowplush," says his Grace, " will you, in the first place, 
drink a glass of wine ? " 

I boused agin. 

" And what wine do you prefer, sir, — humble port or imperial 
borgondyf" 

** Why, your Grace," says I, " I know my place, and ain't above 
kitchin wines. I will take a glass of port, and drink it to the health 
of this honrabble compny." 

When I'd swigged off the bumper, which his Grace himself did 
me the honour to pour out for me, there was a silints for a minnit ; 
when my master said : — 

" Charles Yellowplush, I have pemsed your memoirs in Fraser's 
Magazine with so much ciuiosity, and have so high an opinion of 
your talents as a writer, that I really cannot keep you a^ a footman 
any longer, or allow you to discharge duties for which you arc now 
quite unfit. With idl my admiration for your talenti*, Mr. Yellow- 
plush, I still am confident that many of your friends in the servants' 
hall will clean my boots a great deal Ix^tter than a ^Tntleman of 
your genius can ever be ex])ected to do — it is for this punnwe I 
emploj footmen, and not that they may be writing articles in maga- 



344 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

zines. But — you need uot look bo lefl, my good feUow, and had 
better take another glass of port — I don't wish to throw yon iqNiii 
the wide world without the means of a livelihood, and have made 
interest for a little place which you wUl have under Qovemment, 
and which will give you an income of eighty pounds per annum ; 
which you can double, I presume, by your literary labours." 

"Sir," says I, clasping my liands, and busting into teaia, "do 
not — for Heaven's sake, do not ! — think of any such think, or drive 
me fix)m yoiu: suwice, because I have been fool enough to write in 
magaseens. Glans but one moment at your honoiv's plate — every 
spoon is as bright as a mirror ; condyscnd to igsamine your aboea — 
your honour may see reflected in them the fkses of every cme in the 
company. / bkcked them shoes, / cleaned tliat there plate. If 
occasionally I've forgot the footman in the litterary man, and com- 
mitted to paper my remindicences of fiishnabble life, it was from a 
sincere desire to do gooil, and promote nollitch : and I appeal to 
your lionour, — I lay my hand on my busm, and in the fiise of this 
noble conipiiny beg you to say, When you rung your bell, who came 
to you fust ? When you stopt out at Brooks's till morning, who sat 
up for you ? When you was ill, who forgot the natral dignities of 
his station, and answered the two-piiir bell? Oh, sir," says I, "I 
know what's what ; don't send me away. I know them littery 
chaps, and, beleave me, Td rather be a footman. The work's not so 
hanl — the pay is better : tiie vittels inconipjTably su})earor. I have 
but to clean my things, and nm my errints, and you put clothes on 
my back, and meat in my mouth. Sir! Mr. Bullwig! ain't I right ? 
shall I quit my station and sink — that is to say, rise — to yours 1 " 

Bullwi<^ was violently affected ; a tear 8too<l in his glistening i. 
" Yellowi>lush,'' says he, seizing my hand, " you are right. Quit 
not your present occuixition ; black boots, clean knives, wear plush 
all your life, but don't turn Htemrv man. Look at me. I am the 
first novelist in EuroiK*. I have mngeil with eagle wing over the 
wide regions of literature, and jierehed on every eminence in its turn. 
I have gazed with eagle eyes on the sun of philosophy, and 
fathomed the mysterious depths of the human mind. All languages 
are familiar to me, all thoughts are known to me, all men under- 
stood by me. I have gathered wisdom from the honeyed lips of 
Plato, as we wandereil in the gardens of Academes — wisdom, too, 
from the mouth of Job Johnson, as we smoked our 'backy in Seven 
Dials. Such must be the studies, and such is the mission, in this 
world, of the Poet-Philosopher. But the knowledge is only empti- 
ness ; the initiation is but miser>' ; the initiated, a man shunned and 
bann'd by his fellows. Oh," said Bullwig, clasping his hands, 
and throwmg his fine i's up to the chandelier, "the curac of 



MR YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW j^j 

Pwometheus descends upon his wace. Watb and punishment pursue 
them from genewation to genewation ! Wo to genius, the heaven- 
sealer, the fire-stealer ! Wo and thrice bitter desolation ! Earth is 
the wock on which Zeus, weraorseless, stwetches his withing victim 

men, the vidtures that feed and fatten on him. Ai, Ai ! it is 

agony eternal — gwoaning and solitawy despair ! And you, Yellow- 
plush, would penetwate these niystewies: you would waise the 
awful veil, and stand in the twemendous Presence. Beware ; as 
you value your peace, beware ! Withdwaw, wash Neophyte ! For 
Heaven's sake — O for Heaven's sake ! "— here he looked round with 
agony — " give me a glass of bwandy-and- water, for this clawet is 
beginning to disagwee with me." 

Bullwig having concluded this spitch, very much to his own 
sattas&ckshn, looked round to the compny for aplaws, and then 
swigged off the glass of brandy-and-water, giving a solium sigh as 
he took the last gulph ; and then Doctor Ignatius, who longed 
for a chans, and, in order to show his independence, began flatly 
contradicting his friend, addressed me, and the rest of the genlmn 
present, in the following manner : — 

"Hark 
the nonsinse 
that's the rale 

litherary life that he's palavering you in this way. VW tell you 
what — Plush, ye blackguanl, — my honourable frind the mimber 
there has told me a bunder times by the smallest computation, of his 
intense admiration of yoiu* talents, and the wonderful nthir they were 
making in the world. He can't bear a rival. He's mad with envy, 
hatred, oncharotableness. Look at him, Plush, and look at me. My 
father was not a juke exactly, nor aven a mark is, and see, neverthe- 
lisa, to what a pitch I am come. I spare no ix])inse ; I'm the iditor 
of acople of pariodicals ; I dthrive alx)ut in me carridge ; I dine wid 
the lords of the land ; and why — in the name of the pijier that pleed 
before Moeus, hwy ? Because I'm a litlierary man. BeoauKc I know 
how to play me cards. Because I'm Docther Ldimcr, in fact, an<l 
mimber of every society in and out of Euroi)e. I nii«lit have re- 
niaine<l all my life in Thrinity Collwlge, and never made such an 
ineom as that ofTere^l you by Sir Jan ; but I came to London— to 
London, my boy, and now see ! Look again at me friend Bullwig. 
He it a gentleman, to be sure, and bad luck i*> 'im, say I ; and 
what has been the residt of his litherary labour ? I'll tell you what ; 
and ni tell this gintale society, by the shade of Sjiint Patrick, they're 
gcnng to make him a barinet ! " 

" A BABNET, Doctor ! " says I ; " you don't mean to say they're 
goiiig to make him a bamet ! " 




346 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

'' As sure as I've made meself a docthor," aaya Lwmer. 

" What, a baronet, like Sir John ? " 

" The divle a bit else." 

" And pray what for ] " 

" What fiiw 7 " says Bullwig. " Ask the histowy of Utwatawe 
what faw? Ask Colburn, ask Bentley, ask Saunden and Otley, 
ask the gweat Bwitish nation, what fiiw 1 The blood in my Teins 
comes puwified thwough ten thousand years of chiTalwous anoestwy ; 
but that is neither here nor there: my political pwindples — Uie 
equal \iights which I have advocated — the gweat cause of fweedom 
that I liave celcbwated, are known to alL But this, I confess, has 
nothing to do with the question. No, the question is this — on the 
thwone of litewature I stand unwivalled, pwo-eminent; and the 
Bwitish government, honowing genius in me, compliments the 
Bwitish nation by lifting into the bosom of the heweditawy nobility 
the most gifted moniber of the democwacy." (The honmbble 
genlmn here sunk down amidst repeated cheers.) 

" Sir John," says I, " and my Lord Duke, the words of my 
rivrint freutl Ignatius, and the remarks of the honrabble genlmn 
who has just sate down, have made me change the detummination 
which I had the honor of i^.'spressing just now. 

" I igsept the eighty iwund a year ; knowing that I shall have 
plenty of time for pursuing my litter>' career, and hoping some day 
to set on that same boiitch of barranites, which is deckarat<Hi by 
the pn'siits of my honrabble friend. 

" Wliv shocxlen I ? It's trcw I ain't done anvthink as vet to 
de8er\'e sm-h an honour ; and it s very probable that I never shall. 
But wliat then ? — f/itaw dotuj, as our friends say ? I'd much rayther 
have a coat-of-anns than a «*uit of livry. IM mucli rayther have 
my blud-red hand 8i»ralink in the middle of a shield, than under* 
neath a tca-tr.iy. A barranit I will l>e ; and, in consiquints, must 
cease to be a footniin. 

" As to my polittide priucepills, these, I confess, ain't settled : 
they art*, I know, ncfcssary ; but they ain't necessary until askt 
for; l>e.side3, I reglar read the Sattarist new8|)aper, and so igni- 
rince on this pint would be iuigscjusable. 

" But if one nuui cjin git to be a doctor, and another a barranit, 
and another a capting in the navy, and another a countess, and 
another the wife of a governor of the Cape of Good Hope, I begin 
to perseave that the littery trade ain't such a very bod un : igspe- 
dally if you're up to snough, and know what's o'clock. I'll learn 
to make myself usefle, iu the fust place ; then 111 lam to spell ; 
and, I trust, by reading the novvles of the honrabble member, 
and the scientaJ&ck treatiseses of the reverend doctor, I may find 



MR YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW 



347 



the Becrit of suxess, and git a litell for my own share. I've seyral 
frends in the press, having paid for many of those chaps' drink, and 
given them other treets ; and so I think I've got all the emilents 
of suxess ; therefore, I am detummined, as I said, to igsept your 
kind offer, and beg to withdraw the wuds which I made yous of 

when I refyoused your hoxpatable offer. I must, however " 

" I wish you'd withdraw yourself" said Sir John, blunting into 
a most igstrorinary rage, ''and not interrupt the company with 
your infernal talk ! Go down, and get us coffee : and, heark ye J 
hold your impertinent tongue, or 111 break every bone in your 
body. You shall have the place as I said ; and while you're in 
my service, you shall be my servant ; but you don't stay in my 
service after to-morrow. Go downstairs, sir; and don't stand 
staring here ! " 



In this abrupt way, my evening ended : it's with a melancholy 
regret that I think what came of it. I don't wear plush any 
more. I am an altered, a wiser, and, I trust, a better man. 

I'm about a nowle (having made great progriss in spelling), in 
the style of my friend BuUwig ; and preparing for publigation, in 
the Doctor's Cyclopedear, "The Lives of Eminent Brittish and 
Foring Woeherwomen." 



SKIMMINGS FROM "THE DAIRY 
OF GEORGE IV: 



ft 



Chables Yellowplush, Esq., to Ouveb Yorke, Esq.* 

DEAR WHY, — Takin advantage of the Crismiss holydaya^ Sir 
John and me (who is a member of parlyment) had gone 
down to our place in Yorkshire for six wicks, to shoot grows 
and woodcox, and enjoy old English hospitalaty. This ugly Cuiady 
bisniss unluckaly put an end to our sports in the country, and brot 
us up to Buckly S^iiuore as fast as four posterses could gallip. 
When there, I found your parcel, containing the two volhunes of a 
new book ; witch, as I have been away from the literary world, and 
emplied solely in athlatic exorcises, have been laying neglected in 
my pantry, among my knife-cloaths, and dekanters, and blacking- 
bottles, and l)e<lroom cantUes, and thiugs. 

This will, I'm sure, account for my delay in notussing the 
work. I see sefnil of the papers and magazeens have been befoar- 
hand with me, and have given their apiuions concerning it : specially 
the Quotbj ReveiCy which has most mussilessly cut to peases the 
author of this Dainj of the Times of George IV A 

That it's a woman who wrote it is evytlent from the style of the 
writing, as well as from certain proofs in the book itself. Most 
suttnly a femail wrote this Dairy ; but who this Dairy-maid may 
be, I, in c(^arsc, can't coiyectcr : and indeed, common galliantry 
forbids me to ask. I can only judge of the book itself; which, it 
appears to me, is clearly trenching upon my ground and fkvrite 

* These Memoirs wore oriprinally publbbcd in FraxerM Magazine, and it may 
be stated for tbe benefit of the unlearned in such matters that ** Oliver Yorke ** 
is the assumed name of the e<litor of that periodical. 

t Diary illattralire of the Timet of Oeorge the Fourth, iftiertperted with 
Original Ltttert fi-om the lal^ Queen Carolitie, and from rariouM other ditti»' 
guithetl Pertons. 

"Tot ou tani, tout so s^ait."— Maistbhon. 
In 2 ToU. London, 1838. Ilenrj Colbum. 



THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV. 349 

subjicks, viz. fiubnabble life, as igsibited in the houses of the 
nobility, gentry, and rile fammly. 

But I bare no niallis — iufamation is infamation, and it doesn't 
matter where the infamy comes from ; and whether the Dairy be 
from that distinguished pen to witch it is omarily attributed — 
whether, I say, it comes from a lady of honour to the late Quean, 
or a scullion to that difTunct majisty, no matter: all we ask is 
nollidge ; never mind how we have it. Nollidge, as our cook says, 
is like trikel-possit — it's always good, though you was to drink it 
out of an old shoo. 

Well, then, although this Dairy is likely searusly to injur my 
pussonal intrests, by fourstalling a deal of what I had to say in my 
private memoars — though many many guineas is taken from my 
pockit, by cuttin short the tail of my narratif — though much that I 
had to say in souperior languidge, greased with all the ellygance of 
my orytory, the benefick of my classcle reatling, the chawms of my 
agreblc wit, is thus abruply brot befor the world by an inferior 
genus, neither knowing nor i^Titing English ; yet I say, that 
nevertheless I must say, what I am puffickly prepaired to say, to 
gainsay which no man can say a word -yet I say, that I say I 
consider this publication welkom. Far from viewing it with enfy, 
I greet it with applaws; because it increases that most exlent 
specious of nollidge, I mean " Fashnabble Nollidge : " comjmyred 
to witch all other nollidge is nonsince — a bag of goold to a pare of 
snuffers. 

Could Lonl Broom, on the Canady question, pay moar? or say 
wlmt he had tu say better? We are marters, both of us, to 
prinsple ; and everybody who knows eather knows that we would 
sacnifice anytliink rather than that. Fashion is the goddiss I adoar. 
This deliglitful work is an offring on her srine ; and as sich all 
her wushippcrs are bound to liail it. Here is not a question of 
tnimpry lords and honrabblcs, generals and barronites, but the 
crown itself, and the king and queen's actions ; witch may be con- 
sidered as the crown jewels. Here's princes, and grand-dukea, and 
ainparent, and Heaven knows what ; all with blood-royal in their 
veins, and their names mentioned in the 'very fust page of the 
peeridge. In this book you become so intmate with the Prince 
of Wales, that you may follow him, if you please, to his marridge- 
bod ; or, if you prefer tlie Princiss Charlotte, you may have with 
her an hour's tator-tator.* 

Now, though most of tlic remarkable oxtrax from this book 
have been given alrea<]y (the cream of the Dairy y as I wittily say), 

* Our Mtimable eorreiipoDcleiit meaos, we presume. tiU^-tite, — 0. Y. 



SSO MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

I shall trouble you, nevertheless, with a few ; partly hecanae th^ 
can't be repeated too often, and because the toaa of obsyTatioii 
with which they have been genially received by the ihcbb, is not 
igsackly such as I think they merit How, indeed, can then 
common magaaeen and newspaper pipple know anythbik of frsb- 
nabble life, let alone ryal ? 

Conseaving, then, that the publication of the Dairy has daae red 
good on this scoar, and may proUy do a deal moor, I shall look 
through it, for the porpus of selecting the most ellygant passidges, and 
which I think may be peculiarly adapted to the reader's benefick. 

For you see, my dear Mr. Yorke, in the fust places that this is 
no common catchpny book, like that of most authors and anthonases 
who write for the base looker of gain. Heaven bless you ! the Dairy- 
maid is above anything musnary. She is a woman of rank, and no 
mistake ; and is as much above doin a common or vulgar acticm aa 
I am superaor to taking beer after dinner with my cheese. She 
proves that most satis&ckarily, as we see in the following paasidge : — 

'^ Her Royal Highness came to me, and having spoken a few 
phrases on different subjects, produced all the papers she wishes 
to have published : lier whole correspondence with the Prince 

relative to Lady J 's dismissal ; hb subsequent neglect of the 

Princess; and, finally, the acquittal of her supposed guilt, signed 
by the Duke of Portland, &c., at the time of the secret inquiry: 
when, if proof could have been brought against her, it certainly 
would have been done ; and which acquittal, to the disgrace of all 
parties concerned, as well as to the justice of the nation in general, 
was not made public at the time. A common crimiiud is puUicly 
condenme<l or acquitted. Her Royal Highness commanded me to 
have these letters publislied forthwith, saying, * You may sell them 
for a great sum.' At first (for she had spoken to me before con- 
cerning this business), I thouglit of availing myself of the oppor- 
tunity; but, upon second thoughts, I turned from this idea with 
detestation : for, if I do ^Tong by obcjing her wishes and endeavour- 
ing to serve her, I will do so at least from good and disinterested 
motives, not from any sonlid views. The Princess commands me, 
and I will obey her, whate\'er may be the issue ; but not for hie 
or fee. I own I tremble, not so much for myself, as for the idea 
that she is not taking the best and most dignifieil way of having 
these papers publishe<l. Why make a secret of it at all ? If 
wrong, it shoidd not be done ; if right, it should be done openly, 
and in the face of her enemies. In Her Royal Highness's case, as 
in that of wronge<l j)rinces in general, why do they shrink from 
straightforward dealings, and rather have recourse to crooked polipyt 



THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV. 351 

I wish, in this particular instance, I could make Her Royal Highness 
feel thus : but she is naturally indignant at being falsely accused, 
and will not condescend to an avowed explanation." 

Can any think be more just and honrabble than this? The 
Dairy-lady is quite fair and abovebored. A clear stage, says she, 
and no faviour ! "I won't do behind my back what I am ashamed 
of before my face : not I ! " No more she does ; for you see that, 
though she was offered this manyscrip by the Princess /c>r nothink^ 
though she knew that she could actially get for it a large sum of 
money, she was above it, like an honest, noble, grateful, fashnabble 
woman, as she was. She aboars secrecy, and never will have recors 
to disguise or crookid polacy. This ought to be an ansure to them 
Radicle sneerers, who pretend that they are the equals of fashnabble 
pepplc ; whereas it's a well-known fact, that the vulgar roagues have 
no notion of honour. 

And after this positif declaration, which reflex honor on her 
Ladyship (long life to her ! I've often waited behind her chair !) — 
after this positif declaration, that, even for the porpus of defending 
her missis, she was so hi-minded as to refuse anythink like a pecu- 
liarly consideration, it is actially asserted in the public prints by a 
booxeller, that he has given her a thousand pound for the Dairy, 
A thousand pound ! nonsince ! — it's a phigment ! a base lible ! This 
woman take a thousand poimd, in a matter where her dear mistriss, 
friend, and benyfEictriss was concerned ! Never ! A thousand bag- 
gonits would be more prefrabble to a woman of her xqizzit feelins 
and fashion. 

But to proseed. It's been objected to me, when I wrote some 
of my expearunces in fashnabble life, that my languidge was occa- 
sionally vulgar, and not such as is generally used in those exquizzdt 
famlies which I frequent. Now, I'll lay a wager that there is in 
this book, wrote as all the world knows by a rele lady, and speakin 
of kings and queens as if they were as common as sand-boys — there 
is in this book more wulgarity than ever I displayed, more nastiness 
than ever I would dare to think on, and more bad grammar than 
ever I wrote since I was a boy at school As for authografy, evry 
genlmn has his own : never mind spellin, I say, so long as the sence 
is right 

Let me here quot a letter from a corryspondent of this charming 
lady of honour ; and a very nice corryspondent he is, too, without 
any mistake : — 

" Lady , poor Lady ! knows the rules of prudence, 

I fear me, as imperfectly as she doth those of the Greek and Latin 



352 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

Grammars : or she hath let her brother, who is a sad swmey become 
master of her secrets, and then contriyed to qnanel with him. 
You would see 'the outline of the m^ange in the newspapen; bot 

not the report that Mr. S is about to publish a pamf^ilet, as 

an addition to the Harleian Tracts, setting forth the amatory adven- 
tives of his sister. We sliall break our necks in haste to boy i^ of 
course crying ' Shameful ' all the while ; and it is said that Lady 

is to be cut^ which I cannot entirely belicTe. Let her teO 

two or three old women about town that they are young and hand- 
some, and give some well-timed parties, and she may still keep the 
society wliich she hath been usecl to. The times are not so bud as 
they once were, when a woman could not construe Magna Chaita 
with anything like impunity. People were full as gallant many 
years ago. But the days are gone by wherein my IcMxi-protector oif 
the commonwealth of England was wont to go a love-making to Mrs. 
Fleetwood, with the Bible under his arm. 

** And so Miss Jacky Gordon is really clothed with a husbuid 
at last, uud Miss Laiura Manners left without a mate ! She and 
Lord Stiiir should marry and have children, in mere revenge. As 
to Miss Gonlon, she's a Venus well suited for such a Vulcan, — 
whom nothing but money antl a title could have renderwl tolerable, 
even to a kitchen wench. It is said that tlie matrimonial corre- 
spondence between this couple is to be published, full of sad scan- 
dalous relations, of which you may lie sure scarcely a word is true. 

In fonner times, the Duchess of St. A s made use of these 

elegant epistles in onler to intimidate Lady Johnstone : but that 
I'use would not avail ; so in spite, they are to be printed. What a 
cargo of amiable creatures I Yet will some people scart*ely believe 
in the existence of Pan<lemoniuni. 

" Tuesd<ty Jfornhu/. — You are i)erfectly right respecting the 
hot rooms here, which we all cry out ag-ainst, and all find very 
comfortable — much more so than the cold sands and bleak neigh- 
bourhood! of the sea ; which looks vastlv well in one of Van der 
Velde's pictures hung up<.»n crimson damask, but hideous and shock- 
ing in reality. H and his ^tllc' (talking of parties) were last 

night at Cholmondeley House, but seem not to ripen in their love. 
He is certainly good-hunK»ure<l, and, I believe, good-hearted, so 
deser\'es a good wife ; but his cara seems a genuine London miss, 
made up of many affectations. Will she form a comfortable help- 
mate? For me, I like not her origin, and deem many strange 
things to run in blood, besides madness and the Hanoverian eviL 

" Thursday, — I verily do believe that I shall never get to the 
end of this small sheet of paper, so many unh.eard-of interruptions 
have I had ; and now I have been to Vauxhall, and caught the 



THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV. 353 

toothache. I was of Lady K B m and H *8 party : very 

dull — the Lady giving us all a supper after our promenade — 

' Much ado was there, God wot 
She would lore, but he would not' 

He ate a great deal of ice, although he did not seem to require it ; 
and she ^faisoit les yeux doux^ enough not only to have melted 
all the ice which he swaUowed, but his own hard heart into the 
baigain. The thing will not do. In the meantime, Miss Long 
hath become quite cruel to Wellesley Pole, and divides her &vour 
equally between Lords KiUeen and Kilworth, two as simple Irish- 
men as ever gave birth to a bull. I wish to Hymen that she were 
fiurly married, for all this pother gives one a disgusting picture of 
human nature." 

A disgusting pictur of human nature, indeed — and isn't he who 
moralises about it, and she to whom he writes, a couple of pretty 
heads in the same piece? Which, Mr. Yorke, is tlio wust, the 
scandle or the scandle-mongers ? See what it is to be a moral man 
of &8hn. Fust, he scrapes togither all the bad stoaries about all 
the people of his acquentance — he goes to a ball, and lafis or snears 
at everybody there — he is asked to a dinner, and brings away, 
along with meat and wine to his heart's content, a sour stomick 
filled with nasty stories of all the people present there. He has 
such a squeamish appytite, ttiat all t)ie world seems to disatjrte 
with him. And what has he got to say to his dellicate female 
frend I Why that— 

Fust Mr. S. is going to publish indescent stoaries about Lady 
O , his sister, which everybody's goin to by. 

Nex. That Miss Gordon is going to be cloathed with an usband ; 
and that all their matrimonial eorr}'8pondins is to be published too. 

3. That Lord H. is going to be married ; but there's something 
rong in his wife's blood. 

4. Miss Long has cut Mr. Wellesley, and is gone after two 
Irish lords. 

Wooden you plumcy, now, that the author of such a letter, 
instead of writin about pipple of tip-top quolaty, was dcscribin 
Vinegar Yard? Would you beleave that the lady he was a-ritin 
to was a chased, modist lady of honour, and mother of a fanily? 
O trumpery I morris ! as Homer says : this is a higeous pictur 
of manners, such as I weap to think of, as evry mori man must 
wei^ 

The above is one pritty pictur of mearly fashnabble Ufe : what 
follows is about fiunilies even higher situated than the most fash- 
3 z 



354 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

nabble. Here we have the PrinceflBiegieiit^ her dftQc^ter the 
Princess Sharlot, her grandmamnia the dd Qaeuty and Her Mad- 
jisty's daughters the two princesses. K this is not hi^ life, I 
don't know where it is to be found ; and it's pleawing to see what 
affeckshn and harmny rains in such an ezolted spear. 

" Sunday Uth, — ^Yesterday the Princess went to meet the Prin- 
cess Charlotte at Kensington. Lady told me that^ when 

the latter arrived, she rushed up to her mother, and said, *For 
(Sod's sake, be civil to her/ meaning the Duchess of Leeds^ who 

followed her. Lady said she felt sorry for the latter; but 

when the Princess of Wales talked to her, she soon became ao free 
and easy, that one could not have any feeling about her fedingt. 
Princess Charlotte, I was told, was looking handsome, very pale, 
but her head more becomingly dressed — that is to say, lees dreaaed 
than usual. Her figure is of that full round shape which is now in 
its prime ; but she disfigures herself by wearing her bodice so short, 
that she literally has no waist. Her feet are very pretty ; and so 
are her hands and arms, and her ears, and the shape of her head. 
Her countenance is expressive, when she allows her passions to 
play upon it ; and I never saw any face, with so little shade, 

express so many powerful and varieil emotions. Lady tdd 

me that the Princess Charlotte talked to her about her situation, 
and said, in a very quiet, but determined way, she tcould not bear 
ity and that as soon as Parliament met, she intended to come to 
Warwick House, and remain there ; that she was also determined 
not to consider the Duchess of Leeds as her (foi^emessy but only as 
her Jirst ladtj. She made many observations on other persons 
and subjects ; and appears to be very quick, very penetrating, but 
iini>erious and wilful. There is a tone of romance, too, in her 
character, which will only serve to mislead her. 

"She told her mother that there had been a great battle at 
Windsor l)etweeu the Queen and the Prince, the former refusing to 
give up Miss Knight from her own i)er8on to attend on Princess 
Charlotte as sub-goveniess. But the Prince-Regent had gone to 
Windsor himself, and insisted on her doing so; and the 'old 
Beguin ' was force<l to submit, but has been ill ever since : and Sir 
Henry Halford declare<l it was a complete breaking up of her con- 
stitution — to the great delight of the two princesses, who were 
talking about this affair. Miss Knight was the very person they 
wished to have ; they think they can do as they like with her. It 
has been ordered that the Princess Charlotte should not see her 
mother alone for a single moment; but the latter went into her 
room, stuffed a ptiir of large shoes full of papers, and having given 



THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV. 355 

them to her daughter, she went home. Lady told me every- 
thing was written down and sent to Mr. Brougham next day" 

See what discord will creap even into the best regulated fiimlies. 
Here are six of 'em — viz., the Quean and her two daughters, her 
son, and his wife and daughter ; and the manner in which they hate 
one another is a compleat puzzle. 

(his mother, 
his wife, 
his daughter. 
Princess Charlotte hates her &ther. 
Princess of Wales hates her husband. 

The old Quean, by their squobbles, is on the pint of death ; and 
her two jew^ful daughters are delighted at the news. What a 
happy, &shnabble, Christian famly ! O Mr. Yorke, Mr. Yorke, if 
this is the way in the drawin-rooms, I'm quite content to live below, 
in pease and charaty with all men ; writin, as I am now, in my 
pantry, or els havin a quite game at cards in the servants-all. With 
us there's no bitter wicked quarling of this sort We don't hate 
our children, or bully our mothers, or wish 'em ded when they're 
sick, as this Dairy-woman says kings and queens do. When we're 
writing to our friends or sweethearts, we don't fill our letters with 
nasty stoaries, takin away the carricter of our fellow-servants, as 
thia maid of honour's amusin' moral frend does. But, in coarse, it's 
not for us to judge of our betters ; — these great people are a supeerur 
nioe, and we can't comprehend their ways. 

Do you recklect — it's twenty years ago now — how a bcwtiffle 
princess died in givin buth to a poar baby, and how t)ie whole 
nation of Hengland wep, as though it was one man, over tliat sweet 
woman and child, in which were sentered the hopes of every one of 
na, and of which each was as proud as of his own wife or infnti 
Do you recklet how pore fellows spent their last shillin to buy a 
Mack crape for their hats, and clergymen cried in the pul))it, and 
tlie whole country through was no better than a great dismal funeral 1 
Do you recklect, Mr. Yorke, who was the person that we all took 
OD 80 about 1 We called her the Princis Sharlot of Wales ; and we 
▼alyoud a single drop of her blood more than the whole heartless 
body of her fother. Well, we looked up to her as a kind of saint 
or angle, and blest God (such foolish loyal English pipple as we 
ware in those days) who had sent this sweet lady to rule over us. 
Bat Heaven bless you ! it was only souperstition. She was no 
better than she should be, as it turns out — or at least the Dairy- 



3S6 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

maid says so. No bettcrt — ^if my daai^teiB or yotmiras ^ bo bad, 
we'd as leaf be dead ourselves, and they hanged. Bat listen to this 
pritty charritable story, and a truce to reflezshons : — 

^^Sundayy January 9, 1814. — ^Yesterday, aeemding to appoiBt- 
ment, I went to Princess Chariotte. Found at Warwidc Hoose 
the harp-player, Dizzi ; was asked to ramain and listen to his per- 
formance, but was talked to during the whole time, which completely 
prevented aU possibility of listening to the music. The Duchess 
of Leeds and her daughter were in the room, but left it soon. Next 
arrived Miss Knight, who remained all the time I was there. 
Princess Charlotte was veiy gracious — showed me all her hcmmy 

dyes, as B would have called them — pictures, and cases, and 

jewels, &c She talked in a very desultory way, and it would be 
difficult to say of what. She observed her mother was in veiy kw 
spirits. I asked her how she supposed she could be otherwise f 
This questioning answer saves a great deal of troiiUe^ and sernes 
two purposes — i.e, avoids committing oneself, or giving olfenoe by 
silence. There was hung in the apartment one portrait, amongst 

others, that very much resembled the Duke of D . I asked 

Miss Knight whom it represented. She said that was not known ; 
it had been supposed a likeness of the Pretender, when young. 
This answer suited my thoughts so comically I could have laughed, 
if one ever did at Courts anything but the contrary of wlmt one was 
inclined to do. 

" Princess Cliarlottc has a ver>' great variety of ex^Hession in 
her countenance — ^a play of features, and a foree of muscle, rarely 
seen in connection with such soft and sliadeless coloiuing. Her 
han<ls an<l aniLs are beautiful; but I tliink her figure is already 
gone, and will soon Ik* j)reci8ely like her mother's: in short it is 
the ver}' picture of her, and not in miniatut'e. I coidd not help 
analysing my 0^*11 sensations during tlie time I was with her, and 
thought more of them than I did of her. Why was I at all flattered, 
at all more amuse<l, at all more supple to this young princess, than 
to her who is only tlie same sort of persim set in the shade of 
cireumstances and of years? It is tliat youth, and the approach 
of power, and the Litent views of self-interest, sway the hwt and 
dazzle the understanding^. If this is so with a heart not, I trusty 
comipt, and a hea<l not particularly formed for interested calcula- 
tions, what effect must not the same causes produce on the genendity 
of mankind ? 

" In the course of the conversation, the Princess Chariotte con- 
trived to edge in a good deal of tum-de-dy, ami would, if I had 
entered into the thing, liave gone on with it, while looking at a little 



THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV. 357 

picture of herBel^ which had about thirty or forty different dresses 
to put oyer it, done on isingkisSy and which allowed the general 
colouring of the picture to be seen through its transparency. It 
was, I thought, a pretty enough conceit, though rather like dressing 
up a dolL * Ah ! ' said Miss Knight, * I am not content though, 
madame — for I yet should have liked one more dress — that of the 
favourite Sultana.' 

" ' No, no ! ' said the Princess, * I never was a favourite, and 
never can be one' — looking at a picture which she said was her 
fitther's, but which I do not believe was done for the Regent any 
more than for me, but represented a young man in a hussar's dress 
— probably a former &vourite. 

'^ The Princess Charlotte seemed much hurt at the little notice 
that was taken of her birthday. After keeping me for two hours 
and a half she dismissed me ; and I am siu^ I could not say what 
she said, except that it was an olio of d^cousus and heterogeneous 
things, partaking of the characteristics of her mother grafted on a 
younger scion. I dined tSte-ortSie with my dear old aunt : hen is 
always a sweet and soothing society to me." 

There's a pleasing, lady -like, moral extract for you! An 
innocent young thing of fifteen has pictiuis of two lovers in her 
room, and expex a good number more. This dellygate young 
creature ed/fes in a good deal of tumdedy (I can't find it in 
Johnson's Dixonary), and would have gone on with the thing (elly- 
gence of languidge), if the dairy-lady would have let her. 

Now, to tell you the truth, Mr. Yorke, I doan't beleave a single 
syllible of this story. This lady of honncr says, in the fust place, 
that the Princess would have talked a good deal of tumdedy : which 
means, I suppose, ipdeasnsy, if slie, the lady of honner, teould have let 
her. This m a good one ! Why, she lets everybody else talk tumdedy 
to their hearts' content; she lets her friends write tumde<ly, and, 
after keeping it for a quarter of a sentry, she prints it. W)iy then 
be 00 squeamish about hearing a little ! And, then, there's the 
atoary of the two portricks. Tliis woman has the honner to be 
received in the frendlyest manner by a British princess ; and what 
does the grateful loyal creature do? 2 picturs of the Princess's 
relations are hanging in her room, and the Dair>'-woman swears 
away the poor young Princess's carrickter, by swearing they are 
picturs of her lox^rs. For shame, oh, for shame ! you slanderin 
backbitin dairy-woman you ! If you told all them things to your 
"dear old aunt," on going to dine with her, you must have had 
Tery " sweet and soothing society " indeed. 

I had marked out many more extrax, which I intended to write 



358 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

about ; but I think I have said enough about this Daiiy : in htk, 
the butler, and the gals in the Beirants'-hall are not well plemwl 
that I should go on reading this naughty book ; so well hare no 
more of it, only one paaddge about PoUytics, witch is tertnly 
quite new : — 

" No one was so likely to be able to defeat Bonaparte aa the 
Crown Prince, from the intimate knowledge he possessed of his 
character. Bemadotte was also instigated against Bomqaarte hy 
one who not only owed him a personal hatred, but who possessed a 
mind equal to his, and who gave the Crown Prince both infoimatioB 
and advice how to act This was no less a person than Madame de 
StaeL It was not, as some have asserted, that she vfcu in love 
with Bemadotte ; for, at the time of their intimacy, Madaime de 
Stael was in love with Bocccu But she used her influence (which 
was not small) with the Crown Prince, to make him fight agunst 
Bonaparte, and to her wisdom may be attributed much of the snooeai 
which accompanied his attack upon him. Bemadotte has nised 
the flame of liberty, which seems fortunately to blase all around. 
May it liberate Europe ; and from the ashes of the laurel may olive 
branches spring up, and overshadow the earth ! " 

There's a discuvcry ! that the overthrow of Boneypart is owing 
to Madame de Stael! Wliat uonsince for Colonel Sou they or 
Doctor Napier to write histories of the war with that Capsican 
hupstart and murderer, when here we have the whole afi&ur explaned 
by the lady of honour ! 

^^ Sunday, April 10, 1814. — The incidents which take place 
every hour are miraculous. Bonaparte is deposed, but alive ; sub- 
dued, but allowc<l to choose his place of residence. The island of 
Elba is the spot he has selected for his ignominious retreat. France 
is holding forth repentant arms to her banished sovereign. The 
Poissardes who dn^;ged Louis XVI. to the scaffold are presenting 
flowers to the Emperor of Russia, the restorer of their legitimate king ! 
What a stupendous field for philosophy to expatiate in ! What an 
endless material for thou;2:ht ! What humiliation to the pride of 
mere human greatness ! How are the mighty fallen ! Of all that 
was great in Napoleon, what remains? Despoiled of his usurped 
power, he sinks to insigniflcance. There was no moral greatness in 
tlie man. The meteor dazzled, scorched, is put out — utterly, and 
for ever. But the power which rests in those who have delivered 
the nations from bondage, is a power that is delegated to them fix>m 
Heaven ; and the manner in wliich they have used it is a guarantee 



THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IT. 559 



for its eoBtoniMCL TW Doke <€ Weifiuten b» puBcd Iftin^ ini> 
sUmedbraBTweievlowcfUcKid. H^ b» dcoe incrr thma ccnquer 
otheiB — lieliascnBqixRdliiBiseif: awl in tiie mSdf^ of thf^ bksp and 
flush of Tictoiy, sanoiBded I7 tiie bcansge of mtiowv. be has Bot 
been betimjcd isto the ctvBkaoB cf mhj act of rroehr or mvitoa 
offence. He vas aa cool and fvtf^NMMMiMi under the blasp and dazile 
of £une aa a oonmon man woiM be under the fhade of hk gaiden- 
tree, or br the hearth of hk heme. But the tynnt who kept £aT>[)pe 
in awe is now a pitiaUe ol^cet far amrn to point the finger of derision 
at : and hnmanitr shndden a» it rnnembm the ncom^ with which 
this man's ambitian was permitxed to deraetue erefj home tie, and 
every heartfelt jot." 

And now, after this sublime paasid^^ as fiili 01 awfle leflections 
and pious sentrmenta as those of Mrsw Cole in the plaj, I shall only 
qoot one little eztrak more : — 

"All ^^oes gloomfly with the poor Princess^ Lady Charlotte 
CampbeU tokl me she regrets not seeing all these cmious personages ; 
but she says, the more the P r incc a s is forsaken, the more happy she 
is at baring offered to attend her at this time. Tku is very ami- 
able in her, and cannot fi&fl to be gratifying to the Princess." 

So it is — wery amiaUe, wery kind and considerate in her, indeed. 
Poor Princess ! how lucky you was to fin<l a freod who loved you 
for your own sake, and when all the rest of the wuld turned it« back 
kep steady to you. As for believing that Lady Sharlot had any 
hand in this book,* Heaven forbid ! she is all gratitude, pure grati> 
tude, depend upon it. »She would not go for to Macken her oldfrend 
and patron's carrickter, after having been so outrageously fiuthful to 
her ; ihe wouldn't do it, at do price, depend upon it. How sorry 
she must be that others an*t quite so squemish, and show up in this 
indesent way the follies of her kin<l, genrus, foolish bennyfactris ! 

* The "antboriMxl ** announcement, in the John BmU newspaper, sets this 
queittiim at rwt. It it declared that her Ladyship is not the writer of the 
/Wary.— O. Y. 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 

Ch-3 Y-LL-WPL-8H, EsQ., TO Sut Edwabd Ltttok Bulwer, Bil 
John Thomas Smith, Esq., to C — s Y ^h, Esq. 

NOTUS 

THE suckmstansies of the foUowiiig harticle are as folios : — Me 
and my friend, the sellabrated Mr. Smith, reckonised eadi 
other in the Haymarket Theatre, during the perfixnnints of 
the new play. I was settn in the gallery, and sung out to him 
(he was in the pit), to jinc us after the play, over a glass of bear 
and a cold hoystcr, in my pantry, the family being out. 

Smith came as appintetl. We descorsed on the subjick of the 
comady ; and, after sefral glases, we each of us agreed to write a 
letter to the other, giving our notiums of the pease. Paper was 
brought that momint ; and Smith writing his harticle across the 
knife-bord, I dasht off mine on the dresser. 

Our agreement was, that I (being remarkabble for my style of 
riting) should cretasize the languidge, whilst he should take up 
with the i)lot of the play ; and the candied reader will parding 
me for having holtered the original address of my letter, and 
directed it to Sir Edwanl himself; and for having incopperated 
Smith's remarks in the midst of my own : — 

Matfair : Nov. 90, 1839. MidmiU. 

HoNRABBLE Barnet I — Retired from the littery world a year 
or moar, I didn^t think anythink would ii\juice me to come fornuds 
again ; for I was content with my share of reputation, and propoos'd 
to add nothink to those immortial wux which liave rendered this 
Magaseen so sidlybrated. 

Shall I tell you the reazn of my re-appearants % — a desire for 
the benefick of my fellow-creatures ? Fiddlestick ! A nughty 
truth with which my busm laboured, and which I must bring forth 
or die? Nonsince — stuff: money's the secret, my dear Bamet,— 



BPISTLBS TO THE LITERATI ' 361 

money — Vargcmg^ gdi^ tpieuMia. Here*8 quarter-day coming, and 
I*m blest if I can pay my landlud, unksa I can ad hartifioially to 
my inkum. 

This is, however, betwigst you and me. Tbeie s no need to 
blacard the streets with it, or to tell the British public that Fitxroy 
Y-11-wpl-sh is short of money, or that the sallybratctl liauthor of 

the Y Pkpere is in peskewniary diffickltie«, or is fiteagued by 

his superhuman littery labors, or by his &mly sucknistansies, or by any 
other pusnal matter : my maxim, dear B, is on these pints to be as 
quiet as pdsbile. What the juice does the public care for you or me t 
Why must we always, in prefizzes and what not, be a-taUdng about 
ourselves and our igstrodnary merrats, woas, and i^jaries ? It is on 
this subjick that I porpies, my dear Bamet, to speak to you in a 
fiendly way ; and praps youll find my aiivise tolrabbly holesuni. 

Well, then, — if you care about the apinions, fur good or evil, 
of us poor suvvantl^ I tell you, in the most candietl way, I like 
you, Bamet. I've had my fling at you in my day (for, entry nau, 
that last stoary I roat about you and Lamder was as big a bownsir 
as ever was) — I've had my fling at you ; but I like yoiu One may 
objeck to an immence deal of your writings, which, bctwigst you 
and me, contain more sham sccntiment, sham morallaty, sham 
poatry, than you'd like to o\*ti ; but, in spite of this, there's the 
si^f in you : you've a kind and loyal heart in you, Baniet — a trifle 
deboshed, perhaps; a kean i, igspecially for what's comic (as for 
your tradgady, it's mighty flatchulent), and a ready plesnt pen. 
The man who says you are an As is an As himself. Don't believe 
him, Bamet ! not that I supi)08e you wil, — for, if I've foniie<l a 
oorreck apinion of you from your wucks, you think your small- 
beear as good as most men's: every man docs,— and why not? 
Wc brew, and we love our own tap— amen ; but the i)int betwigst 
oa, is this stewpid, absudd way of crjing out, because the public 
don't like it too. Why shood they, my dear Bamet ? You may 
TOW that they are fools ; or that the critix arc your enemies ; or 
that the widd should judge your jKMims by your critticle mles, and 
not their own : you may beat your breast, and V(»w you arc a 
marter, ami you won't mend the matter. Take heart, man ! you're 
not 00 misrabble after all : your 8i)irits nec<l not be so t-en/ oast 
down ; you are not so tvrt/ ba<lly paid. I'd lay a wager that you 
make, with one thing or another— plays, nov^lcs, iMUiiphliiks and 
little odil jobbs here and there— your three thownnd a year. There's 
many a man, dear Bullwig, that works for less, and lives content. 
Why shouldn't you ] Three thowsnd a year is no nuch Ijud thing, 
— let alone the baraetcy : it must be a great comfort to have that 
bloody hand in your skitching. 



362 ME&OIRS OF MR 0. J. YELLOWPLUSH 



But don't you sea, that in a wuld natunlly enTioB, widdd, and 
fond of a joak, this very barnetcy, these veiy complaintB, — this 
ceaseless groning, and moning, and wining of yours, is igsaddy the 
thing which makes people laff and snear more Y If you wen ever 
at a great school, you must recklect who was the boy moat buDid, 
and buffitid, and punhewd — he who minded it most. He who 
could take a basting got but few ; he who roid and wep because 
the knotty boys called him nicknames, was nicknamed wuas and 
wuss. I recklect there was at our school, in Smithfield, a chap of 
this milksop spoony sort, who appeared among the romj^ig; rugged 
fellers in a fine flanning dressing-gownd, that his mama had given 
him. That pore boy was beaten in a way that his dear ma and 
aunts didn't know him ; his fine flanning dressing-gownd was torn 
all to ribbings, and he got no pease in tlie school ever after, but 
was abliged to be taken to some other saminary, where, I make no 
doubt, he was paid off igsactly in the same way. 

Do you take the halligory, my dear Bamet t Mutayto nominy 
— ^you know what I mean. You are the boy, and your bametcy 
is the dressing-gownd. You dress yourself out finer than other 
chaps and they all bei;^n to sault and hustle you ; it's human nature, 
Bamet. You show weakness, think of your dear ma, mayhap, and 
begin to cry : it*8 all over with you ; the whole school is at you — 
upper boys and under, hv^ and little ; the dirtiest little fag in the 
place will pipe out blaggenl names at you, and take his pewny tug 
at your taU. 

The only way to avoid such consperracies is to put a pair of 
stowt shoalders ft>rnini8, and bust through the crowd of raggy- 
muffius. A g()<Hl bold li*llow dubls his fistt, and cries, *• Wha dares 
mc<l(lle wi' me ? " When Sci>tt got his bametcy, for instans, did 
any one of us crj' out ? No, by the laws, he was our master ; and 
wo l>etide the chap that say neigh to liim ! But there's bamets and 
bamets. Do you recklect tliat fine chapter in " Stiuintin Durward,'' 
about the too fellos and cups, at the siege of the bishop's castle ? 
One of them was a brave warrior, and kep his cup ; they strangled 
the other chap — strangled him, and laffed at him too. 

With respeck, then, to the bametcy pint, this is my advice: 
brazen it out. Us littery men I take to be like a pack of school- 
boys — childish, greedy, envius, hoMing by our friends, and always 
ready to fight. What must be a man's conduck among such ? He 
must either take no uotis, and {xiss on myjastick, or else turn round 
and pummle soundly — one, two, right an(l left, ding dong over the 
fiice and eyes ; above all, never acknowledge that he is hurt. Years 
ago, for instans (we've no ill-blood, but only mention this by way 
of igsample), you began a sparring with this Magaseen. Law bless 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 363 

you, such a ridicklus gaym I never see : a man so belaybord, be- 
flustered, bcwolloped, was neyer known ; it was the laff of the whole 
town. Your intelackshal natur, respected Bamet, is not fizzickly 
adapted, so to speak, for encounters of this sort. You must not 
indulge in combats with us course bullies of the press : you have 
not the statniny for a reglar set-to. What, then, is your plan 1 In 
the midst of the mob to pass as quiet as you can : you won't be 
undistubbed. Who is? Some stray kix and buffits will fall to 
you — mortial man is subjick to such ; but if you begin to wins and 
cry out, and set up for a marter, wo betide you ! 

These remarks, pusnal as I confess them to be, are yet, I assure 
you, written in perfick good-natur, and have been inspired by your 
play of the '^Sea Capting," and prefiz to it; which latter is on 
matters intirely pusnal, and will, therefore, I trust, igscuse this kind 
of cui hominam (as they say) diskcushion. I propose, honrabble 
Bamit, to cumsider calmly this play and prcphiz, and to speak of 
both with that honisty which, in the pantry or studdy, Tve been 
always pliamous for. Let us, in the first place, listen to the opening 
of the " Preface to the Fourth Edition : "— 

** No one can be more sensible than I am of the many foults 
and deficiencies to be found in this play ; but, perliaps, when it is 
considered how very rarely it has happened in the history of our 
dramatic literature that good acting plays have been produced, except 
by those who have either been actors themselves, or fonned their 
habits of literature, almost of life, behind the scenes, I might have 
looked for a criticism more generous, and less exacting and rigorous, 
than that by which the attempts of an author accustomed to another 
class of composition have been received by a large proportion of the 
periodical press. 

'* It is scarcely possible, indeed, that this play should not con- 
tain faults of two kinds : first, the faults of one v/ho has necessarily 
much to learn in the mechanism of his art ; and, secondly, of one 
who, having written largely in the narrative style of fiction, may 
not unfrequently mistake the effects of a novel for the effe<*ts of a 
drama. I may add to these, perhaps, the deficiencies that arise 
from uncertain health and broken spirits, which render tlic author 
more susceptible than he might have been some years since to that 
spirit of depreciation and hostility which it has been his misfortune 
to excite amongst the general contributors to the periodical press ; 
for the consciousness that every endeavour will be made to cavil, to 
distort, to misrepresent, and, in fine, if possible, to run down, will 
oocasionally haunt even the hours of composition, to check the inHpira- 
tioD, and damp the ardour. 



364 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

"Having confessed thus much frankly and fiiirij, and with a 
hope that I may ultimately do better, should I continue to write 
for the stage (which nothing but an assuianoe that^ with all my 
defects, I may yet bring some little aid to the drama, at a time 
when any aid, however humble, ought to be welcome to the loTcn 
of the art, could induce me to do), may I be permitted to say a few 
words as to some of the objections which have been made agunst 
this play?" 

Now, my dear sir, look what a pretty number of please you 
put forrards here, why your play shouldn't be good. 

First. Grood plays are almost always written by actors. 

Secknd. You are a novice to the style of composition. 

Third. You may be mistaken in your effects, being a novelist 
by trade, and not a play-writer. 

Fourthly. Your in such bad helth and sperrits. 

Fifthly. Your so afraid of the critix, that they damp your arder. 

For shame, for shame, man ! What confeshns is these, — ^what 
painful pawling and piping ! Your not a babby. I take you to 
be some seven or eight and tbutt y years old — " in the morning of 
youth," as the flo8(>fer says. Don*t let any such nonsince take your 
reazn prisoner. AMiat you, an old hand amopgst us, — an old soljer 
of our so\Ting quean the press, — you, wlio have had tlie best pay, 
have held the topmost rank (ay, and d^serifed them too ! — I gif you 
lef to quot me in sasiaty, autl say, " I a/w a man of genius : Y— 11- 
wpl-sh says so"), — you to lose heart, and cry pickavy, and begin 
to howl, because little boys fling stones at you ! Fie, man ! take 
courage ; and, bearing the terrows of your blooil-re<i hand, as the 
poet says, punish us, if weS'e ofeuded you : punish us like a man, 
or bear your oi^ti punishment like a man. Don't trj' to come off 
with such misnibble lodgic as that above. 

What do you ? You give four sati.sfackar>' reazns that the play 
is bad (the secknd is naught, — for your no such chicking at play- 
writing, this being the forth). You show that the play must be 
bad, and then begin to deal with the critix for finding folt ! 

Was there ever wuss generalship? The i>lay i« bad, — your 
right, — a wuss I never see or read. But why kneed yoi$ say so ? 
If it was so ven/ bjul, why jiublish it] Brrtiuse you tci'sh to serine 
the drama ! O fie ! don't lay that flattering function to your sole 
as Milton observes. Do you believe that this "Sea Capting" can 
serve the drama 1 Did you never intend that it should serve any- 
thing, or anybody the f Of cors you did I You WTote it for money, 
— money from the maniger, money from the bookseller, — for the same 
reason that I w-rite this. Sir, Shakspeare wrote for the very same 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 365 

rea30ii8, and I nerer heard that he bragged about senring the drama. 
Away with this canting about great motife ! Let us not be too 
prowdy my dear Bamet, and fansy ourselves marters of the truth, 
marters or apostels. We are but tradesmen, working for bread, 
and not for righteousness' sake. Let's try and work honestly ; 
but don't let us be pray ting pompisly about our " sacred calling." 
The taylor who makes yoiur coats (and very well they are made 
too, with the best of velvit collars) — I say Stulze, or Nugcc, 
might cry out that their moti& were but to assert the etumle 
truth of tayloring, with just as much reazn ; and who would be- 
lieve them t 

Well; after this acknollitchment that the play is bad, come 
aelral pages of attack on the critix, and the folt those gentry have 
found with it With these I shan't middle for the ])re8nt. You 
defend all the cliarocters 1 by 1, and conclude your remarks as 
f(dlow8 : — 

" I must be pardoned for this disquisition on my own designa 
When every means is employed to misrepresent, it becomes, per- 
haps, allowable to explain. And if I do not think that my faults 
as a dramatic author are to be found in the study and delineation 
of character, it is precisely because that is the point on which all 
my previous pursuits in literature and actual life would be most 
likely to preserve me from the errors I own elsewhere, whether of 
mi^judgment or inexperience. 

" I have now only to add my thanks to the actors for the zeal 
and talent with which they have embodied the characters entrusted 
to them. The sweetness and grace with which Miss Faucit em- 
bellished the part of Violet — which, though only a sketch, is most 
necessary to the colouring and harmony of the play — were perhaps 
the more pleasing to the audience from the generosity, rare with 
actors, which induced her to take a part so £eu* inferior to her 
powers. The applause which attends the performance of Mrs. 
Warner and Mr. Strickland attests their success in charactora of 
unusual difficulty ; while the singular beauty and nobleness, whether 
of conception or execution, with which the greatext of living actors 
has elevated the part of Norman (so totally different fn^ni his 
ordinary range of character), is a new proof of his versatility 
and aooomplishment in all that belongs to his art. It woultl bo 
scarcely gracious to conclude these remarks without expressing my 
acknowledgment of that generous and indulgent sense of justice 
which, forgetting all political differences in a literary arena, lias 
enaUed me to appeal to approving audiences — from hostile critics. 
And it is this which alone encourages me to hope that, sooner or 



366 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

later, I may add to the dramatic literature of mj ooontiy mmetiiiqg 
that may find, perhaps, ahnoet aa many fnetids in the next age as 
it has been the fate of the author to find enemies in tiiia.** 

See, now, wliat a good comfrabble yanaty is ! P^ple bare 
quarld with the dramatic characters of your pky. ''Ko^" nys 
you; "if I am remarkabble for anythink, it's for my study and 
delineation of character; that is presizely the pint to which my 
littery purshuits have led me.'* Have you read ** Jil Blaw," my 
dear sir ? Have you pirouzed that ezlent tragady, the " Critic " f 
There's something so like this in Sir Fretfid Plaguy, and the 
Archbishop of Gninadiers, that I'm blest if I can't laff till my sides 
ake. Think of the critix fixing on the very pint for which you are 
fiunus ! — the rougs ! And spose they had said the plot was absudd, 
or the langwitch absudder still, don't you think you would liave had 
a word in defens of them too — you who hope to find fiends for 
your dramatic wux in the nex age ? Poo ! I tell thee, Bamet, that 
the nex age will be wiser and better than this ; and do you think 
that it will imply itself a reading of your tngadies ? This is misan- 
trofy, Rimet — rcglar Byronism ; and you ot to liave a better apinian 
of human natur. 

Your apinion about the actors I shan^t here meddle with. They 
all acted cxlently a^ far as my humbile judgement goes, and your 
write in giving them all possible prays. But let s consider the last 
sentence of the pretiz, my dear Bamet, and see what a pretty set of 
apiniuns you lay down. 

1. The critix arc your inymies in tliis age. 

2. In the nex, however, you hope to find newmrous frends. 

3. And it s a sati8fack:<Iin to think that, iu spite of politticle 
diffrances, you have found frendly aiyences here. 

Now, my dear Bamet, for a man who begins so humbly with 
what my friend Father Prout calls an argamantum ad misertcorfam 
who ignowle<lges that his play is Ixid, that his pore dear helth is 
bad, and those cussid critix have played the juice with him — I say, 
for a man who bcginns in such a hunibill toan, it's rayther n'ch to 
see how you end. 

My dear Bamet, do you 8up|>ose that politticle dijfrance* 
prejuclice pepple against j/ou 1 What are your politix ? Wig, I 
presume — so are mine, on try noo. And what if they are Wig, or 
Raddiccle, or Cumsu\nrative ? Does any mortial man in England 
care a phig for your politix 1 Do you think yourself such a mity 
man in parlymint, that critix are to be angry with yiHi, and 
aiyences to be cumsidered magnanamous because they treat you 
fairly? There, now, was Sherridn, he who roat the "Rifles" and 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 367 

"School for Scandle" (I saw the "Rifles" after your play, and, 
O Barnet, if you knew what a relief it was !) — there, I say, waa 
Sherridn — he wcu a politticle character, if you please — he could 
make a spitch or two — do you spose that Pitt, Purseyvall, Castlerag, 
old Qeoi^ the Third himself, wooden go to see the " Rivles '' — 
ay, and clap hands too, and laff and ror, for all Sherry's Wiggery? 
Do you spose the critix wouldn't applaud too ? For shame, Barnet ! 
what ninnis, what hartless raskles, you must beleave them to be, — 
in the fust plase, to fancy that you are a politticle genus ; in the 
secknd, to let your politix interfear with their notiums about littery 
merits ! 

" Put that nonsince out of your head," as Fox said to Bonypart 
Wasn't it that great genus, Dennis, that wrote in Swiff and Poop's 
time, who fiusid that the French king wooden make pease unless 
Dennis was delivered up to him ? Upon my wud, I doan't think 
he carrid his diddlusion much further than a serting honrabble 
barnet of my aquentance. 

And then for the nex age. Respected sir, this is another 
diddlusion; a gross misteak on your port, or my name is not 

Y sh. These plays immortial? Ah, parrysampcy as the 

French say, this is too strong — the small-beer of the "Sea Cap- 
ting," or of any suxessor of the "Sea Capting," to keep sweet 
for sentries and sentries ! Barnet, Barnet I do you know the natur 
of beart Six weeks is not past, and here your last casque is 
sour — the public won't even now drink it ; and I lay a wager that, 
betwigst this day (the thuttieth November) and the end of the 
year, the bori will be off the stox altogether, never never to 
return. 

I've notted down a few frazes here and there, which you will 
do well to igsamin : — 

NORMAN. 

** The oierna] Flora 
Wooc to her odorous haunts the western wind ; 
While circling round and upwards from the bought, 
Golden with fruits that lure the joyous birds, 
Melody, like a happy soul released, 
Hongs in the air, and from invisible plumes 
Shakes sweetness down ! " 

NORMAN. 

"And these the lips 
Where, till this hour, the sad and holy kiss 
Of parting linger 'd, as the fragninco left 
By an*jdt when they touch the earth and Tanish. "* 



368 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

KOSKAN. 

" Haric I ihe has biassed bar aon ! I Ud jra witnaw. 
Ye Hstaoing baarana — thou oiroiimambiant air : 
The ocean sighs it back — and with the mnrmiir 
Rustle the happy leaves. All nature breathaa 
Aloud — aloft — to the Qreat Farant*s ear, 
The blessing of the mother on her child.'* 

NORMAN. 

" I dream of lore, enduring faith, a heart 
Mingled with mine— a deathless heritage, 
Which I can take unsullied to the iters, 
When the Groat Father calls his children homa** 

NORMAN. 

" The blue air, breathless in the Harry peace, 
After long siloDce hushed as heaTen, but filled 
With happy thoughts as heaven with angeU." 

NORMAN. 

** Till one calm night, when over earth and wave 
Heaven looked its love from all its numberless ttart* 

NORMAN. 
" lliose eyes, the guiding ttart by which I steered.'* 

NORMAN. 

*' That great mother 
(The only parent I have known), whose face 
Is bright with gazing over on the ttart — 
The mother-soa." 

NORMAN. 

" My bark shall be our home ; 
The ttart that light the angd palaces 
Of air, our lamps. '' 

NORMAN. 

'* A name that glitters, like a «tor, amidst 
llie galaxy of England's loftiest bom." 

LADY ARUNDEL. 

" And see him princeliost of the lion tribe. 
Whose swonls and coronals gleam around the throne^ 
The guardian ttart of the imperial isle." 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 369 

The fuBt spittymen has been going the round of all the papers, 
as real reglar poatiy. Those wicked critix ! they must have been 
iaffing in their sleafii when they quoted it Malody, suckling 
round and uppards from the bows, like a happy soul released, 
hangs in the air, and from invizable plumes shakes sweetness 
down. Mighty fine, tnily ! but let mortial man tell the meanink of 
the passidge. Is it tntmckle sweetniss that Malody shakes down 
from its plumes — its wings, that is, or tail^-or some pekewliar 
scent that proceeds from happy souls released, and which they 
sliake down from the trees when they are suckling round and 
uppards ? Is this poatry, Bamet 7 Lay your hand on your busm, 
and speak out boldly : Is it poatry, or sheer windy humbugg, that 
sounds a little melojous, and won't bear the commancst test of 
comman sence 7 

In passidge number 2, the same bisniss is going on, though 
in a more comprehensable way : the air, the leaves, the otion, 
are fild with emocean at Capting Norman's happiness. Pore 
Nature is dragged in to partisapatc in his joys, just as she has 
been befor. Once in a poem, this universle simfithy is very 
well; but once is enuff, my dear Bamet; and that once should 
be in some great suckmstans, surely, — such as the meeting of 
Adam and Eve, in "Paradice Lost," or Jewpeter and Jewno, in 
Hoamer, where there seems, as it were, a reasn for it. But 
sea-eaptings should not be etemly spowting and invoking gods, 
hevns, starrs, angels, and other silestial influences. Wc can all 
do it, Bamet; nothing in life is esier. I can compare my livry 
buttons to the stars, or the clouds of my backopipe to the dark 
vollums that ishew from Mount Hetna; or I can say that angels 
are looking down from them, and the tobacco silf, like a happy 
sole released, is circling round and upwards, and shaking sweet- 
ness down. All this is as esy as drink ; but it s not poatry, 
Bamet, nor naturaL People, when their mothers reckomse 
them, don't howl about the suckumambient air, and paws to 
think of the happy leaves arrustling — at least, one mintnists 
them if they do. Take another instans out of your own play. 
Capting Norman (with his eterall ilack-jaw !) meets the gal of 
his art: — 

•• Look op, look up, my Violet — weeping? fie ! 
And trembling too — yet leaning on my breast 
In truth, thoa art too nof t for such rude shelter. 
Look op I I oome to woo thee to the mmis, 
My aailor's bride t Host thou no voice but blushes f 
Nay^From thoso roees let me, like the bee, 
Drag forth the secret fweetnen ! " 



370 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

VIOLET. 

"OhwbattluH^ti 
Were kept for tpeeek when we onoe more ahoidd mwl^ 
Now blotted from the page; and all I feel 
Is — thou art with me ! " 

Very right, Mitt Violet — ^the socntiment is natnl, affeclcBhiiiti 
pleasing, simple (it might have been in more gFunmatide laiigiiidge, 
and no harm done) ; but never mind, the feeling is pritty ; and I can 
fancy, my dear Barneti a pritty, smiling, weeping lass, looking up in 
a man's fiice and saying it But the capting ! — oh, this capting ! — 
this windy spouting captain, with his prittinesses, and oonseated apol- 
logies for the hardness of his busm, and his old, stale, vaind simalies, 
and his wishes to be a bee ! Pish I Men don't make love in this 
finniking way. It's the part of a sentymentle, poetide taylor, not a 
galliant gentleman, in command of one of Her Ma^jisty's vessels dmx. 

Look at the remaining extrac, honored Bamet, and acknoUidge 
that Capting Norman is etumly repeating himself, with his endksB 
jabber about stars and angels. Look at the neat grammaticle twist 
of Lady AnindeVs spitch, too, wlio, in the corse of three lines, has 
made her son a prince, a lion, with a sword and coronal, and a star. 
Why jumble and slieuk up metafors in this way? Bamet, one 
simily is quite euutT in tlic best of sentenses (and I preshume I 
kneedn't tell you that it s as well to have it like, when you are 
about it). Take my advit'o, honrabble sir — listen to a humble 
footmin : it's K<^nraUy Ix'st in poatry to understand puffickly what 
you mean yourself, and to igspress your meaning clearly afterwoods 
— in the simpler words the better, praps. You may, for instans, 
call a conmet a coronal (an " ancestral coronal," p. 74) if you like, 
as you might call a hat a "swart sombrero," "a glossy four-and- 
nine," "a silken helm, to stonii impermeable, and lightsome as the 
breezy gossamer ; " but, in the long nm, it's as well to call it a hat. 
It is a hat ; and tliat name is quite as poetticle as another. I think 
it 8 Plavto, or els Harrvstottlc, who observes that what we call a 
rose by any other name wouhl smell as sweet. Confess, now, dear 
Bamet, don't you long to call it a Polyanthus 1 

I never see a play more carelessly written. In such a hurry 
you seem to liave bean, that vou have actiallv in some sentences 
forgot to put in the sence. What is this, for instance ? — 

** Thin thrice precious one 
Smiled to my eyes— drew being from my breast — 
Slept in my arms ;— the very tears I shed 
Above my treasures were to men and angels 
Alike such holy sweetness ! " 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 371 

In the name of all the angels that ever you invoked — Raphael, 
Gabriel, Uriel, Zadkiel, Azrael — what does this "holy sweetness" 
mean ? We're not spinxes to reail such dark conandrums. If you 
knew my state sins I came upon this passidg — I've neither slep nor 
eton ; IVe n^lected my pantry ; I've been wandring from house to 
house with this riddl in my hand, and nobody can understand it. 
All Mr. Frazier's men are wild, looking gloomy at one another, and 
asking what this may be. All the cumtributors have been spook to. 
The Doctor, who knows every languitch, has tried and giv'n up; 
we've Bent to Bocter Pettigruel, who reads horyglifics a deal ezier 
than my way of spellin' — no anser. Quick ! quick with a fifth 
edition, honored Bamet, and set us at rest ! While your about it, 
please, too, to igsplain the two last lines : — 

" His merry bark with England's flag to crown her." 

See what dellexy of igspreshn, " a flag to crown her I " 

** His merry bark with England's flog to crown her. 
Fame for my hopos, and woman in my cares.** 

Likewise the following : — 

" Girl, beware, 

THS low that TRIFLBS ROUICD THS CHARICS IT QILDS 

Oft RUI2C8 whilb it bhinss.** 

Igsplane this, men and angels I IVc tried every way ; backards, 
forards, and in all sorts of trancepositions, as thus : — 



Or. 



Or, 



Or. 



Or, 



The loTo that ruins round the charms it shines. 
Gilds whilo it trifles oft ; 

The charm that gilds around the love it mina, 
Oft trifles whilo it shines ; 

The ruins that Ioto gOds and shines around, 
Oft trifles whoro it charms ; 

Lore, while it charms, shines round, and ruins aft^ 
The trifles that it gilds ; 

The lore that trifles, gilds and ruins oft, 
While round tho charms it nhinoft. 



All which are as sensable as the fust passidge. 

And with this I'll alow my friend Smith, who has been silent 
all this time, to say a few words. Ho has not written near so 



37a MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

much as me (being an infeaior genua, betwigst ounelvos), bat he 
says he never had such mortial diificklty with anything as with the 
dixcripshn of the plott of your pease. Here his letter : 

To Chr-rl^ F-ttr-y Pl-nt-ff-^^ Y'-ll-^wpl'^ E^q^^ ^^ ^ 

My dear and honoured Sir,— I have the pleasure of layiqg 
before you the following description of the plot, and a few lemuioi 
upon the style of the piece called " The Sea Captain." 

Five-and-twenty years back, a certain Lord Arundel had a 
daughter, heiress of his estates and property : a poor cousiii. Sir 
Maurice Beevor (being next in succession) ; and a page, Arthur Le 
Mesnil by name. 

The daughter took a foncy for the page, and the young penoos 
were married unknown to his Lordship. 

Three days before her confinement (thinking, no doubt, that 
period favoiuTiblc for travelling), the yoimg couple had agreed to 
run away together, and had reached a chapel near on the searooart 
from which they were to embark, when Lord Arundel abruptly pot 
a stop to their proceedings by causing one Gaussen, a pirate, to 
murder the page. 

His daughter was carried back to Arundel House, and, in three 
days, gave birth to a son. Whether hia Lordship knew of this birth 
I cannot stiy ; the infant, however, was never acknowleilged but 
carried by Sir Maurice Beevor to a priest, Onslow by name who 
educate<l tlio lad and kept him for twelve years in j)rofound ignorance 
of his birth. The K>y went by the name of Xonuan. 

Lady Anuulcl meanwhile married again, again became a widow 
but had a second son, who was the acknowledgeil heir, and called Lord 
Ashdale. Old Lord Anmdel died, and her Ladyship became coimtess 
in her own ri^it. 

When Norman wa.s about twelve years of ai:e, his mother who 
wished to " waft youni; Arthur to a distant land,'' had him sent on 
board ship. Who shouM the captain of the ship 1m.' but Craussen, 
who received a smart bribe from Sir Maurice Beevor to kill the 
lad. Acc^ordingly, Gaussen tied him to a plank, and pitched him 
overboard. 



About thirteen years after these circumstances, Violet, an orphan 
niece of Lady Anmders second husband, came to j>aiw a few weeks 
with her Ladyship. She had just come from a sea-voyage, and had 
been 8ave<l from a wicked Algerine by an English sea captain. This 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 373 

sea captain was no other than Norman, who had been picked up off 
his plank, and fell in love with, and was loved by, Miss Violet. 

A short time after Violet's arrival at her aunt's the captain came 
to pay her a visit, his ship anchoring off the coast, near Lady Arunders 
residence. By a singular coincidence, that rogue Gaussen's ship 
anchored in the harbour too. Gaussen at once knew his man, for 
he had " tracked " him (after drowning him), and he informed Sir 
Maurice Beevor that young Norman was alive. 

Sir Maurice Beevor informed her Ladyship. How should she 
get rid of him 7 In this wise. He was in love with Violet, let him 
marry her and be off ; for Lord Ashdale was in love with his cousin 
too ; and, of course, could not marry a young woman in her station 
of life. "You have a cliaplain on board," says her Ladyship to 
Captain Norman ; *' let him attend to-night in the ruined chapel, 
marry Violet, and away with you to sea." By this means she hoped 
to be quit of him for ever. 

But unfortunately the conversation had been overheard by Beevor, 
and reported to Ashdale. Ashdale determined to be at the chapel 
and carry off Violet ; as for Beevor, he sent Gaussen to the chapel 
to kill both Ashdale and Norman : thus there would only be Lady 
Arundel between him and the title. 

Norman, in the meanwhile, who had been walking near the 
chapel, had just seen his worthy old fnend, the priest, most barbar- 
ously murdered there. Sir Maurice Beevor had set Gnussen upon 
him ; his reverence was coming with the papers concerning Norman's 
birth, which Beevor wanted in order to extort money from the 
Countess. Gaussen, was, however, obliged to nm Ix^forc he got the 
papers ; and the clergyman had time, before he died, to tell Nonnan 
the story, and give him the documents, with which Norman sped off 
to the castle to have an interview with his mother. 

He lays his white cloak and hat on the table, and begs to be 
left alone with her Ladyship. Lonl Ashdale, who is in the room, 
surlily quits it ; but, going out, cunningly puts on Norman s cloak. 
" It will be dark," says he, " down at the chaiwl ; Violet won't know 
me ; and, egail ! I'll nm off with her." 

Norman has his interview. Her Ladyship acknowle<lges him, for 
she cannot help it; but will not embrace him, love him, or have 
anything to do with him. 

Away he goes to the cha|)el. His chaplain was there waiting to 
marry him to Violet, his boat was there to carry him on board his 
ship, and Violet was tliere, t<x>. 

"Norman," says she, in the dark, "dear Norman, I knew you 
by your white cloak ; here I am." And she and the man in a 
doak go off to the inner chapel to be married. 



374 MEMOIRS OF MR C. J. TELLOWPLUSH 

There waits Master GauHen; he haa aeued the ***^rH^ ad 
the boat a crew, and is just about to mmder the nuui in the tkmk, 
▼hen — 

Xorman rushes in and cuts him dovn, nradi to the anr- 
prise of Miss^ for she never suqiected it ««s aly aJm|^|^ y^y^ 
had come, as we hare seen, disguised, and Teiy neariy paid §at loi 
masquerading. 

Ashdale is very gratefbl ; but, when Nonnaa pcnssta m many- 
ing Violet, he says — no, he shan't He shall fig^t ; he is a eovaid 
if he doesn't fight Xorman flings down his awoid, and aaja he 
vfonH fight ; and — 

Lady Arundel, who has been at foayers all this time^ nahii^ 
in, says, " Hold ! this is your brother, Percy — ^your elder brother ! " 
Here is some restiveness on Ashdale's part, but he finia^ffl t hf 
embracing his brother. 

Norman burns all the papers; tows he will never peadi; le- 
oonciles himself with his mother; says he will go loser; Inrf^ 
having ordered his ship to "veer" round to the chapel, oiden 
it to veer back again, for he will pass the honeymoon at Anndd 
Castle. 

As you have been pleased to ask my opinion, it atiikea me tl iw t 
there are one or two very good notions in this ploA. But the anthor 
does not fiiil, as he would modestly have us believe^ fiom ignonnoe 
of stage business ; he seems to know too much, lather than too littie^ 
about tlie stosre ; to be too anxious to cram in effects, incident^ 
perplexities. Tliere is the perplexity concerning Ashdale's murder, 
and Xormun 8 murder, and the priest *s murder, and the page's muider, 
and Gaussen'rt niimler. There is the perplexity about the papei^ 
and that about the hat and cloak (a silly foolish obstacle), which 
only tantaliifc the Bi)ectutor, and retard the march of the dramas 
action : it is as if the autiior had said, " I must have a new incident 
in every act, I must keep ticklin^jf the spectator perpetuaUy, and 
never let him off until the fall of tiie curtain." 

The sjime di.sainx?eable bustle and petty complication of intrigue 
you may remark in the authors drama of "RichelieiL" "The 
La<ly of Lyons " was a much simi)ler and better wrought plot ; the 
incidents folio winij each other not too swiftly or startingly. In 
** Richelieu," it always seemed to me as if one heanl doora per- 
petually clapping anil banidng ; one was puzzled to follow the train 
of conversation, in the midst of the perpetual small noises that 
distracted one right and left. 

Nor is the list of characters of "The Sea Captain" to be 
despised. The outlines of all of them are good. A mother, for 
whom one feels a proper tragic mixture of hatred and pity; a 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 375 

gallant single-hearted son, whom she disdains, and who conquers 
her at last by his noble conduct; a dashing haughty Tybalt 
of a brother; a wicked poor cousin, a pretty maid, and a fierce 
buccanier. These people might pass three hours very well on 
tiie stage, and interest the audience hugely ; but the autlior £uls 
in filling up the outlines. His language is absurdly stilted, fre- 
quently careless ; the reader or spectator hears a number of loud 
speeches, but scarce a dozen lines that seem to belong of nature to 
the speakers. 

Nothing can be more fulsome or loathsome to my mind than the 
continual sham-religious claptraps which the author has put into 
the mouth of his hero ; nothing more unsailorlike than his namby- 
pamby starlit descriptions, which my ingenious colleague has, I see, 
alluded to. "Thy faith my anchor, and thine eyes my haven," 
cries the gallant captain to his lady. See how loosely the sentence 
is constructed, like a thousand others in the book. The captain is to 
cast anchor with the girFs faith in her own eyes : either image might 
pass by itself, but together, like the quadrupeds of Kilkenny, they 
devour each other. The captain tells his lieutenant to bid hi* bark 
t*€er round to a point in the harbour. Was ever such language 
My Lady gives Sir Maurice a thousand pounds to taa/t him (her 
son) to some distant shore. Nonsense, sheer nonsense ; and, what 
is worse, affected nonsense ! 

Look at the comedy of the poor cousin. " There is a great deal 
of game on the estate — partridges, hares, wild-goe.se, snipes, and 
plovers {smcLcking his /lyw)— besides a magnificent pre«er\*e of 
sparrows, which I can sell to the little blackguard* in the streets 
at a penny a hundred. But I am very poor — a very poor old 
kni^t ! " 

Is this wit or nature ? It is a kind of sham wit : it reads as 
if it were wit, but it is not. What poor, poor stuff, about the little 
blackguard boys ! what flimsy ecstasies and siUy " smacking of lips " 
about the plovers ! Is this the man who writes for the next age ? 
O fie ! Here is another joke : — 

SIR MAURICE. 

" Mice ! sounds, how can I 
Keep mice ! I can't afford it ! Thoy wore starved 
To death an ago ago. The L'lxt wan found 
Come Christmas three years, stretched l>cside a bone 
In that same larder, so consumed and worn 
By pious fast, 'twas awful to behold it ! 
I canonised \in corpse in s[»irits of wine. 
And set it in the porch — a solemn warning 
To thieves and beggars ! " 



376 MEMOIRS TO MR C. J. YELLOWPLUSH 

Is not this rare wit? *' Zounds! how can I keep micef 
well enough for a miser ; not too new, or brilliant either ; bat 
miserable dilution of a thin joke, this wretched hantiiig down of 
the poor mouse ! It is humiliating to think of a man <^ e^orii 
harping so long on such a mean pitiful string. A man who aspires 
to immortality, too! I doubt whether it is to be gained thna; 
whether our author's words are not too loosely built to make 
'* starry-pointing pyramids'' of. Horace clipped and squared his 
blocks more carefully before he laid the monument which iwnber 
edax, or aquila tmpotensy or /uga temporum might assail in vain. 
Even old Ovid, when he raisol his stately shining heathen temi^e, 
had placed some columns in it, and hewn out a statue or two 
which deserved the immortality that he prophesied (somewhat 
arrogantly) for himself. But let not all be looking forward to a 
future, and fancying that, '' incerti spatium dum finiat cppi," 
our books are to bo immortal. Alas ! the way to immortality 
is not 80 easy, nor will our "Sea Captain" be permitted such 
an unconscionable cruise. If all the immortalities were really to 
have their wish, what a work would our descendants have to study 
them all ! 

Not yet, in my humble opinion, has the honourable baronet 
achieved this deathless consummation. There will come a day 
(may it be long distant !) when the very best of his novels will be 
forgotten; and it is reasonable to supjiose that his dramas will 
pass out of existence, some time or other, in the lapse of the secula 
seculorum. In the meantime, my dear Phisli, if you ask me what 
the great obstiicle is towards the dramatic fame and merit of our 
friend, I wouM say that it does not lie so much in hostile critics or 
feeble health, as in a careless habit of 'writing, and a peevish vanity 
which causes him to shut his eyes to his faults. The question of 
original capacity I ^^ill not moot ; one may think very highly of 
the honourable baronet's talent, without rating it quite so high as 
he seems disposed to do. 

And to conclude : as he has chosen to combat the critics in 
person, the critics are surely justified in being allowed to address 
him directly. 

With l)e.st compliments to ^Irs. Yellowplush, I have the honour 
to be, dear Sir, your most faithful and obliged humble servant, 

John Thomas Smith. 

And now. Smith having finisht his letter, I think I can't do 
better than clothes mine lickwise; for though I should never be 
tired of talking, pni])3 the public may of hearing, and therefore 
it s best to shut up shopp. 



EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 



377 



What IVe said, respected Barnit, I hoap you woan't take un- 
kind. A play, you see, is public property for every one to say his 
say on ; and I think, if you read yoiu* prefez over agin, youll sec 
that it ax as a direct incouridgment to us critix to come forrard and 
notice you. But don't fansy, I besitch you, that we are actiated 
by hostillaty : fust write a good ])lay, and youll see well prays it 
fiist enuff. Waiting which, Agray, Munseer U Chevaleer^ Vcuhur" 
ance de ma hot cumnderatun. Voter diBtangy^ Y. 



v 



I 



I' 



THE DIARY OF 

C. J E AMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 

WITH HIS LETTERS 



1 



THE DIARY OF 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 



A LUCKY SPECULATOR 

CONSIDERABLE sensation has been excited in the upper and 
lower circles in the West End, by a startling piece of good 
fortune which has befallen James Plush, Esq., lately footnum 
in a respected family in Berkeley Stiuarc. 

'' One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who 
is a banker in the City ; and afler a little blu8hin<; and hesitation, 
said he had saved a little money in service, was anxious to retire, 
and to invest his savings to advantage. 

''His master (we believe we may mention, without offending 
<lelicary, the well-known name of Sir Geoi^ge Flimsy, of the house of 
Flimsy, Diddler, and Flash) smilingly asked Mr. James what was 
tlie amount of his savings, wondering considerably how, out of an 
income of thirty guineas — the main port of which he spent in 
bouquets, silk stockings, and perfumery — Mr. Plush could have 
managed to lay by anything. 

" Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he hu<l been specuiaU'fuj^ 
in railroads, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand 
Iiounds. He had commenced his si)eculations with twenty, borrowed 
from a fellow-servant He had dated his letters fmm the house in 
Berkeley Square, and humbly begged panlon of his master for not 
having instructed the Railway Secretaries who answere<l his applica- 
tions to apply at the area-belL 

"Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook 
Mr. P. by the hand ; Liady Flimsy begged him to be seate<l, and 
partake of the breakfast which he had laid on the table ; and has 
subsequently invited him to her grand d^un^ at Richmond, where 
it was observed that Miss Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accom- 
plished seventh daughter, paid the lucky gentleman marked attention. 



382 A LUCKT SPEGULATOB 

'* We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a Teij sncieiii fuaSIf 
(Hugo de k Plache came over with the CoD^oor); and the 
new biou£^uun which he has started hears the andent ooat of his 



" He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a diiector of 
thirty-thiee raiboads. He proposes to stand for Pailiament at the 
next general election on decidedly OmserfatiTe principleB^ whidi Imtb 
alwajrs been the politics of his fiunily. 

"Report says, that even in his humble capacity Mjsb Emily 
Flimsy had remarked his high demeanour. Well, 'None but the 
brave,' say we, • deserve the fiiir.' " — Mcming Paper. 

This announcement will ezpliun the following lines, which hare 
been put into our box* with a West End postmaik. I( as we 
believe, they are written by the young woman from whom the 
millionaire borrowed the sum on which he raised his fortune^ what 
heart will not melt with sympathy at her tale, and pity the aoRows 
which she expresses in sudi artless language T 

If it be not too late ; if wealth have not rendered its poasessor 
callous : if poor Maryanne he still alive ; we trust, we trust, Mr. 
Plush will do her justice. 



"JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE. 

"a heiigy. 

"Como all ye gents rot cleans ihe plate^ 

Come all je ladies maids so fair — 
Vilo I a story Till relate 

Of cruel Jeamos of Buckley Square. 
A tighter lad, it is confest, 

NcVr Talked with powder in bis air. 
Or v«.»ro a nosegay in his breast, 

Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Squire. 

O Evns ! it ras the best of sights, 

Behind bis Master's coach and pair. 
To see oar Jeames in red plush tights, 

A driTing bofif from Buckley Square. 
He Tel became his hagwilletts, 

He cocked bis at with such a hair ; 
His calTes and viskers ras sucb pets. 

That ball lored Jeames of Buckley Sqiura. 



* The letter-box of Jfr. Punch, in whose columns these papers were first 
published. 



A LUCKY SPECULATOR 383 

He pleased the hup-stain folks as rell. 

And o ! I rithered with despair, 
Missis vould ring the parier bell, 

And call np Jeames in Buckley Sqaare. 
Both beer and sperrits he abbord 

(Sporrits and beer I can*t a bear). 
You would have thought be vas a lord 

Down in our All in Buckley Square. 

Last year he Tisper'd, * Mary Ann, 

Yen Tve an under'd pound to spare. 
To take a public is my plan, 

And leave this hojous Buckley Square.' 

how my gentle heart did bound, 

To think that I his name should bear. 
* Dear Jeames,* says I, * I've twenty pound,* 
And gov them him in Buckley Square. 

Our master Tas a City gent. 

His name's in railroads everywhere. 
And lord, Tot lots of letters vent 

Botwigst his brokers and Buckley Square I 
My Jeames it was the letters took, 

And road them all (I think it's fair), 
And took a leaf from Master's book, 

As hoiheri do in Buckley Square. 

Encouraged with my twenty pound. 

Of which poor / was unavarc, 
He wrote the Companies all round. 

And signed hisself from Buckley Square. 
And how John Porter used to grin. 

As day by day, share after share. 
Came roilvay letters pouring in, 

' J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.* 

Our servants* All was in a rage — 
Scrip, stock, curves, gradients, bull and boar, 

Vith butler, coachman, groom and page, 
Vas all the talk in Buckley Square. 

But O ! imagine vot I felt 
Last Vensday vook as ever were ; 

1 gits a letter, which I sfwlt 

• Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.' 

He sent me back my money true — 

He sent me back my lock of air. 
And said, ' My dear, I bid ajow 

To Mary Hann and Buckley Squarei 



384 A LETTER FROM "JEAMES* 

Think not to mmry, fooliih Hum, 

With peopto who your b«tten an ; 
James Plush it now a gvntloman. 

And jon— a eook in Boeklty Squanu 

' Fto thirty thouand goineas mm. 

In six short months, by gonns ran ; 
You Uttle thought what Joames was on. 

Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square. 
IVe thirty thousand guineas net. 

Powder and plush I soom to Tear ; 
And so, Miss Mary Hann, foiget 

For herer Jcames, of Buckley Square.' * 

• ••••• • 

The rest of the MS. is illegible, being litendly washed sviy 
in a flood of tears. 



A LETTER FROM " JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.'' 

Albany, Lktteb X. Augutt 10, 1S45. 

"Sir, — Hjis a reglar suscriber to your einusing paper, I beg 
leaf to state that I should never have done so, had I supposed that 
it was your abbit to igsposo the mistaries of privit life, and to hiiger 
the deUigit feelings of umblc individyouals like myself^ who have no 
ideer of being made the subjet't of newspaper criticism. 

" I elude, Sir, to the ui^justafiable use which has been made of 
my name in yoiu: Journal, where both my muccantile speclations 
and the hi n most jmshns of my art have been brot forrards in a 
ridicklus way for the public emusemint. 

" What cull, Sir, lias the ])ublic to inquire into the suckmstansies 
of my engagements with Miss Mar>' Hann Oggins, or to meddle 
with their nipshcr \ Why aui I to be maid the hobjick of your 
redicule in a dofftfril ballit imi)ewte<l to her? I say in^pewUdy 
because, in my time at least. Mar}' Hann could only sign her + mark 
(has IVe hoften witnist it for her when she paid hin at the Savings 
Bank), and has for mcrijtcinff to the Metcses and making poatry, 
she was as hincnpihh us Mr. Wakley himself. 

" With resi)eot to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a 
footman in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in 
my affections to Mary Hann — a feller not five foot six, and with no 
more calves to his legs than a donkey — who was always a-ritin 
(having been a doctors boy) and who I nockt down with a {Hnt of 
])orter (as he well recklex) at the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring 



A LETTER FROM "JEAMES" 385 

to try to make a but of me. He has signed Miss H's name to his 
nonsince and lies : aiid you lay yourself hopen to a haction for lible 
for insutting them in your paper. 

''It is fidse that I have treated Miss H. hill in hany way. 
Tliat I borrowed 201b of her is treiv. But she confesses I i>aid it 
back. Can hall people say as much of the money thei/'i*€ lent or 
borrowed? No. And I not only pai<l it back, but giv her the 
andsomest presents : which I never should have eluded tOy but for 
this attack. Fust, a silver thimble (which I found in Missus's 
work-box) ; secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems ; third, I halways 
brought her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of which she 
was remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley's twice (and halways 
a srimp or a hoyster by the way), and a thowsnd deligit at(cnti(mSy 
which I sapose count for nothink, 

''Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendereil it him- 
possable. I was gone into a new spear of life — mingling with my 
native aristoxy. I breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., 
but his a hilliterit cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table ? Do 
young fellers of rank genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we 
cast our i's upon a low-bom gal, I needn say it's only a temjwry 
distraction, pore jxissy le tony. So nuich for her claims uiM)n me. 
Has for that beest of a Doctor*s boy he's unwuthy the notas of a 
Gentleman. 

" That I've one thirty thousand lb, and praps more^ I dont 
deny. Ow much has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I sliouhl like 
to know, and what was his cappitle ? I hentercd the market with 
201b, specklated Jewdicious, and ham what I ham. So may you 
be (if you have 201b, and praps you haven't — So may you be : if 
you choose to go in & win. 

" I for my part am jusly proud of my suxess, and could give 
you a hundred instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust 
pair of bosses I bought (and a better ]>air of stepi^ers I dafy you to 
see in hany curracle) I crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elui«ii>n to 
my transackshns in that railroad. My riding Cob I called very 
unbaptly my Dublin and Galway. He came down with nie the 
other day, and I've jest sold him at ^ discount. 

" At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two gn^mis 
for my stables, one of whom lickwine waito<l on me at table. I have 
now a confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber — He curls my air ; 
inspex my accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call 
this Vally ray Trent Vally, for it was the prophit I got from tlmt 
exlent line, which iiyuiced me to ingage him. 

"Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge — I 
hafe two handBom suTvices for dinner — the goold plate for Sundays, 

8 2 b 



386 A LETTER FROM "JEAMES" 

and the silver for common use. When I ave a great party, * Ticst,' 
I say to my man, 'we will have the London and Bummiiigfaam pUte 
to-day (the goold), or else the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).' 
I bought them after realising on the abuf lines, and if people 
suppose that the companys made me a presnt of the i^ate, how can 
I help it ? 

*' In the sam way I say, ' Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristc^ and 
Hexeter ! ' or, ' Put some Heastem Counties in hioe ! ' He knows 
what I mean ; it*s the wines I bought upon the hospidotia tommina- 
tion of my connexshn with those two railroads. 

'' So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to 
stand Grodfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her 
christened (provisionally) Rosamell — from the French liiie of whkh 
I am Director; and only the other day, finding myself raytber 
unwell, ' Doctor/ says I to Sir Jeames Clark, ' 'Ive sent to conaolt 
you because my Midlands are out of border ; and I want yoa to 
send them up to a premium.' The Doctor la£i, and I beleave told 
the story subsciuintly at Buckinum P-ll-s. 

'* But I will trouble you no fiither. My sole oljict in writing 
has been to clear my carrater — to show that I came by my mooey 
in a honrable way : that I^m not ashaymd of the manner in which 
I gayned it, and ham indeed grateful for my good fortune. 

*' To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Enid 
Hoffis (I don't mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my 
arms a Stagg. You arc corrict in stating that I am of hancient 
Normin fainly. Tliis is more than Peal can say, to whomb I applied 
for a bamotcy ; but the primniier being of low igstraction, natrally 
stickles for his lionler. Consurvative though I be, / may ch/omgi 
my opinions before the next Election, when I intend to hoffer 
myself as a Candydick for Parlymint. Meanwhile, I have the 
honor to be, Sir, your most obeajnt Survnt, 

"Fitz-James de la Pluche." 



THE DIARY 



ONE day in tho panic week, our friend Jcamcs called at our 
office, evidently in great perturbation of mind and disonler 
of dress. He had no flower in his button-hole ; his yellow 
kid gloves were certainly two days okL He had not above three 
of the ten chains he usually sports, and his great coarse knotty- 
knuckled old hands were deprived of some dozen of the rubies, 
emeralds, and other cameos with which, since his elevation to 
fortune, the ]KX>r fellow has thought fit to adorn himself. 

" How*s scrip, Mr. Jeames ? " said we pleasantly, greeting our 
esteemed contributor. 

"Scrip be ," replie<l he, with an expression we cannot 

reiieat, and a look of agony it is impossible to dcscri))e in ])rint, 
and walked about the parlour whistling, humming, rattlin;^ his keys 
and coppers, and showing other signs of agitation. At liu^t, ^' Mr. 
Punch" says he, after a moment's hesitation, *^ I vdiih. to H)K>ak to 
you on a pint of businiss. I wish to be paid for my contrilx'wtions 
to your paper. Suckmstances is altered with me. I — I — in a 
word, can you lend me £ for the account ? " 

He named the sum. It was one so great that we <lon't care 
to mention it here ; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on 
Messrs. Pump and Aldgate, our Imnkcrs), tears came into the honest 
fellow's eyes. He squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, 
and shouting to a cab, he plunged into it at our officenloor, and was 
oflF to the City. 

Returning to our study, we found he had left on our tjiblc an 
open pocket-bookf of the contents of which (for the sake of K!if(>ty) 
we took an inventory. It contained - three tavem-billrt, jKii«l ; a 
tailor's ditto, unsettled ; forty-nine allotments in different conijuuiics, 
twenty-six thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which tho 
market value we take, on an average, to be ^ discount ; and in an 
old bit of paper tied with pink riband a lock of chestnut hair, with 
the InitiaLi M. A. H. 

In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jottc<l down by 
Uie profyrietor firom time to time. At first the entries are insignificant : 



388 THE DIARY OF 

a8, for instance : — " 3rd January — Our beer in the SuTiita' Hall w 
precious small at tliis Christmas time that I leely »mcm give warning, 
& woixl, but for my dear Mary Hann/' " February 7 — ^That broot 
Screw, the Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Maxy Hann boxt 
his hold hears, & served him right. / datest ScreWy" — and so fortL 
Then the diary relates to Stock Exchange operationa, iintU we come 
to the time when, having acliieved his BuccesseB, Mr. Jamea quitted 
Berkeley Square and his livery, and began his life aa a speciilatoraiKl 
a gentleman upon town. It is from the latter part of his diary thai 
we make the following 

EXTRAX :— 

" Wen I anoimceil in the Servnts All my axeshn of fcHting; and 
that by the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I liad reeilixed 
a summ of 20,000 lb. (it vros only 5, but what's the use of a nuum 
depreshiating the qualaty of his own mackyrelt) — ^wen I enounced 
my abmp intention to cut — you should have scan the aensatioD 
among hall the |>eople I — Cook ^^-anted to know whether I woodn 
like a sweathrcNl, or the slise of the breast of a Cold Tucky. Screw, 
the Imtlcr (woinV> I always detested a.s a hinsalant hoverbaring 
l>eest), be<:ge<l me to walk into the Iluj>j)er Sorvnts All, and try a 
glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. Hoveu Visp, the coachmin, eld 
out his anil, & sjiiil, * Jwinies, I hoi)es therea no quarraling betwigst 
you & me, & I'll stand a iM^t of Ixxt with pleasure.' 

" The sickofnts !-- tliat wen' Cix»k ha«l split on me to the House- 
kcei)er ony la.st wtvk (oatchin nie i>riggin some cold tuttle soop, of 
which Tin remarkable fond). H;ls for the butler, I always e^*ommi- 
nnied liiui for his i>nvious snears and imyierence to all us Gents who 
woar livry (lie never wcmld sit in our parlour, fasooth, nor drink 
out of our nuigs) ; and in n^g:ml of Visp — why, it was ony the day 
before the wulgar Ixvst hortciv<l to tite me, and thretnd to give me 
a good iding if I refusivl. * Gentlemen and ladies,' says I, as haughty 
as may be, * there's notiiiuk that I want for that I can't go for to buy 
with my hown money, and take at my Imlgins in the Halbany, letter 
Hex ; if I'm ungry I've no ntH»d to rofn^'^h myself in the kifchinrf? 
And so saying, I ti»ok a dii^'uititMl ajcw of these minnial domestics ; 
an<l ascending to my epartiiient in the 4 pair back, bnished the 
IK»wder out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries for hever, 
put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames Street, and 
which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks. 

" There was one piLsson in the house with womb I was rayther 
anxious to evoid a persnal leave-taking — Mary Hann Oggins, I 
mean — for my art is natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore 
gal in pane. I'd given her previous the infamation of my departure 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 389 

— doing the anBom thing by her at the same time — paying her 
bock 201b., which sheM lent me 6 months before : and paying her 
back not only the interest, but I gave her an andsome pair of scissars 
and a silver thimbil, by way of boanus. *Mary Hann,' says I, 
' suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif positions in life. I quit the 
Servnts Hall for ever (for has for your niarr\ing a person in my 
rank, tliat, my dear, is hall gammin), and so I wish you a good-by, my 
good gal, and if you want to better yourself, halways refer to me.* 

"Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was 
remarkable kind), but looked at me in the face quite wild like, an<l 
bust into somethink betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell doiMi with 
her ed on the kitching dresser, where she lay until her young Missis 
rang the dressing-room bell. Would you Weave it ] She left the 
thimbil & things, & my check for 201b. 10s., on the tabil when she 
went to hanser the belL And now I heard her sobbing and vimper- 
ing in her own room nex but one to mine, vith the dorc open, peraps 
expecting I should come in and say good>by. But, as soon as I 
was dressed, I cut downstairs, hony desiring Frederick my fellow- 
eervnt, to fetch me a cabb, and requesting permission to take leaf 
of my lady & the famly before my departure." 

** How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be siu-e ! Her Ladysliip 
told me what a sweet gal she was — hamiable, fond of poetry, plays 
the gitter. Then she basked me if I liked blond l)ewties and Jiaubin 
hair. Haubin, indeed ! I don't like carrits ! as it must l>e confest 
Miss Hemly's his — and has for a Uond huty^ she has pink I's like 
a Halbino, and her face looks as if it were dipt in a brann mash. 
llow she squeeged my & as she went away ! 

" Mary Hann now has haubin air, and a cumi»Iexion like roses 
and hivory, and I's as blew as Evin. 

" I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb — l)een resolved 
to hact the gentleman in hall things. How he stared ! " 

" 25M. — I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, 
and have past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine 
new soots of close, and Mr. Cullin fits nie hcligant, yet I fansy they 
hall rcckonisc me. Conshns whispers to me, * Jejuns, you'r hony a 
footman in disguise hafter alL' " 



"28rA.— Been to the Hopra. Miwie tol lol. That Lablash is 
a wopper at singing. I coodn make out why some i>eople calle<l 
out * Bravo,* some * Bravar,' and some * Bravee.' * Bravee, Labliu*h,' 
says I, at which heverj'body laft. 



390 THE DIARY OF 

" I'm in my new stall I've had new coBhingB pat in, and my 
haniifl in goold on the back. I'm droBsed ball in Mack, ezoep a 
gold waistcoat and dimind etudds in the emhriderd buaom of my 
shameese. I wear a Camallia Jiponiky in my button-ole^ and have 
a double-boireld opcra-glaa, so big, that I make Timmina^ my aecnd 
man, bring it in the other cabb. 

** What an igstronry exabishn that Pftwdy Garter is ! If those 
four gals are fanes, Tellioni is sutnly the fidiy Queend. She ean 
do all that they can do, and somethink they can't. There's an 
indiscriblc grace about her, and Carlotty, my sweet Garlotty, she 
sets my art iu flams. 

*' Ow that Miss Hemly vraa noddin and winkin at me out of 
their box on the fourth tear ) 

" What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there ! 

**P,S. — Talking of mounting hup ! the St Helena's walked up 
4 per cent, this very day." 



" 2/1^ Jul If — Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There 
was nie, Lonl George RiMg\\-ootl (Lt»nl Cinqbars' son), Lonl Bally- 
bunnion, Honorable Capting Trap, & sevral bother young swells. 
Sir John's carridgc there in cuirse. Miss Hemly lets foil her 
booky as I pasw, an<l I'm oblegetl to get hoff and pick it hup, & 
get si)la.shc<l up to the his. The gcttin on hossback agin is halways 
the juice & hall. Just as I was hou, Desi)eration begins a porring 
the hair with his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his anches, that I'm 
blest if I didn't slip h(»ii* agin over iiis tail ; at which Ballybunnion 
& the liotlier chaps ronl with laftcr. 

" As Bally has istates in Queen's County, Fve put him on the 
St. Helena direction. We call it the * Great St. Helena Napoleon 
Junction,' from Jamestown to Longwooil. The French are taking 
it hup heagcrly,*' 



"6^A Jubj, — Dined to-<lay at the London Tavin with one 
of the Welsh bonis of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw & 
Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils through Snowding and Plinlimming. 

"Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap 
Llwydd in the vice; Welsh nuitton for dinner; Welsh iron knives 
and forks; Welsh rabbit after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be 
hanged to him : he went strummint on his hojous hinstrument, 
and pbyed a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me. 



0. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 391 

" It was Pore Mary Hann, The clarrit holmoet choakcd me as 
I tried it, and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtiflo 
blue 1*8. Why ham I always thinkin about that gal ? Sasiety is 
sasioty, it's lors is irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry a 
serving-made. What would Cinqbars and Ballybunnion say ? 

"P.iS\ — I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing 
money, & halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at 
the *Shipp,' Grinnidge, which I dont't grudge it, for Derbyshire's 
brown Ock is the best in Urup ; nine pound three at the * Trafflygar,' 
and seventeen potmd sixteen and nine at the 'Star and Garter,' 
Richmond, with the Countess St. Emilion & the Baroness Fron- 
tignac Not one word of French could I speak, and in consquince 
had nothink to do but to make myself hahnost sick with heating 
hices and desert, while the bothers were chattering and parlyvooing. 

" Ha ! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, 
when we were more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad 
one gingy-beer betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp 
than with hall this splender I " 



^^ July 24. — My first-floor apartmince in the Halbiny is now 
kimpletely and chasely fiunished — the droring-room with yellow 
Batting and silver for the chairs and sophies — hemrall green tabbinet 
curtingB with pink velvet and goold borders & fringes ; a light blue 
Haxminster Carpit, embroydercd with tulips; tables, secritaires, 
cunsoles, &c., as liandsome as goold can make them, and candle- 
BtickB and shandalers of the purest Hormolew. 

" The Dining-room furniture is all hvak^ British Hoak : round 
igspoiiding table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any 
number from 8 to 24 — to which it is my wish to restrict my parties. 
CurtingB crimsing damask. Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of 
my &vorite great men decorats the wall — namely, the Duke of 
Wellington. There's four of his Grace. For I've remarked that if 
you wish to pass for a man of weight and considdration you shoidd 
holways praise and quote him. I have a valluble one lickwise of 
my Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert — has a Field Martial, and 
halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vidgar snears that are daily 
hidlered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & 
the Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of 
which Cinqbars has made me Capting. 

" The Libery is not yet done. 

" But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could 



392 THE DIARY OF 

but see it ! such a Bed worr ! Ive a Shyral Dreasiiig GlasB fo rt o oa ri 
with WalanseeDs Lace, and lighte<l up of eveningB with roee^oloiml 
tapers. Croold dressiDg-casc and twilet of Dreading Cheny. Hy 
be<l white and gold iitith curtings of pink and bUtct brocayd hdd 19 
a top by a goold Qpid who seems always a smilin angillidy hon me^ 
has I lay with my E<1 on my piller hall sarounded with the fineit 
Mechlin. I have a own man, a yutli imder him, 2 groomba, and a 
fimmale for the House. IVe 7 osses : in cors if I hunt this winter 
I must ii)crea.se mv ixtablishment. 

'^ X B, - -Hever>'think looking well in the City. Saint Helenas 
12 pm. ; Maikgascars, 9| ; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 
24 ; and the new lines in prospick equily incouraging." 



" Peo])le phansy it*s hall gaiety an<l pleasure the life of us 
fiuhnabble gents about to^nd — But I can tell *em it's not haU goold 
that glitters. They dont know our momints of hagony, hour oars 
of stmhly and reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames 
de la Pluehe, Exquire, worling roiuid in a walce at Halmax with 
Lady Hann, or lazaly stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poiing 
helegnnt nothinx into the Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin bis 
boss Desiieration hover the exorcisin ground in the Park, — they 
little tliiuk that leiuler of the tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a 
careworn mann I and yet so it is. 

** Iiiipryniu.s. I've been able«:e<l to get up all the ccomplish- 
nients at dou])le quick, & to apj>ly myself with treemeiyuous energy. 

** First, — in liordcr to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman 
reely is, I've read the novvle of * Pelham ' six times, and am to go 
thn-mji it 4 times inor. 

*• I i)nictis ridin ami the aotiuiremeut of *a steady and & a sure 
seat acFDss Cmmtrj' ' assijuonsly 4 times a week, at the Hippydnim 
Riding Grounds. Many's the tumbil IVe ad, and the aking boans 
I've suffered fn>ni, tiiough I Wiis grinnin in the Park or laffin at 
the Opnu 

** Every moniiiii^ fn)ni G till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may 
have Ix^eu surj»rise<l t(» hoar the sounds of music ishuing from the 
apartmince of Jeames <le la Pluehe, Exquire, Letter Hex. It s my 
dancing-niiuster. From six to nine we have walces ami polkies — at 
nine * mangtiang & deiK>tment,' as he calls it ; & the nmnner of 
hentering a nx^m, comj)limenting the ost and ostess & compotting 
yourself at table. At nine I henter fn«n my dressing-room (has to 
a i>tirty), I make my bow — my master (he's a Marquis in France, 



0. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 393 

misfortins, being connected with young Lewy Nepoleum) 
res me — I hadwance — speak abowt tlie weather & the toppix 
le day in an elegant & cussory manner. Brekfst is enounced 
5y Fitzwarrcn, my mann — we precede to the festive bord — com- 
plimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind, adressing 
your neighbour, employing your nai)king & finger-glas, &c. And 
then we &li to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat 
like a commoner. He says I'm gettn on very well — soon I shall be 
able to inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany ; 
Mr. Macauly (who wrote that sweet book of Imllets, * The Lays of 
Hancient Rum ') ; & the great Mr. Rodgers himself." 



" The above was wrote some weeks back. I h<ive given brek&ts 
sins then, reglar Deshunys, I have ad Earls and Ycounts — Bamits 
as many as I chose : and the pick of the Railway world, of which I 
form a member. Last Sunday was a grand Fate, I had the Elect 
of my friends : the disi)ky was sumptions ; the comjiany reshershy. 
Everything that Dellixy could suggest was provided by Gunter. 
I ha<l a Countiss on my right & (the Countess of Wigglesbury, that 
loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be called the Railway 

Queend, as my friend George H is the Railway King) on my 

left the Lady Blanche Blucnose, Prince Towrowski, the great Sir 
Huddlestone Fu<ldlestone from the North, and a skoar of tlie fust 
of the fiashn. I was in my gloary — the dear Countess and Lady 
Blanche was dying with laffing at my joax and fun — I wa*s keeping 
the whole table in a roar — when there came a ring at my door-bell, 
and sudnly Fitzwarren, my man, hcnters with an air of constanation. 
* Tlieres somebody at the door,' says he, in a vispcr. 

" * Ob, it's that dear Lady Hcmily/ says I, * and that lazy 
raskle of a husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren ' (for you 
see, by this time I had adopte<l quite the manners and hca^e of the 
arristoxy). — And so, going out, with a hnik of wonder he returned 
presently enouncing Mr. & Mrs. Blod<ler. 

" I turned gashly jiail. The table— the guests — the Countiss — 
Towrouaki, and the rest, weald round & round Ix'furc my hagitated I's. 
It ttfoi my Grandmother and Hunde Bill. Slic is a wai*herwoman 
at Healing Common, and he — he kee|>8 a weget^ible donkoy-iiirt. 

" Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, ig8clude<l them ] He had tried. 
But the unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanceil in npite of 
bim, Huncle Bill bringing in the ohl lady grinning on his harm ! 

" Phansy my feelinx." 



394 THE DIARY OF 

" Immagin when these unfortoat membera of my fionly hentocd 
the room : you may phaosy the ixtomushmait of the nobil oompuy 
presnt. Old Graiin looked round the room quite estounded bj ifei 
horientle splender, and hunele Bill (pulling off his phantail, 4e adntiiig 
the company as redpeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) aajs — 
' Crikey, Jeames, you've got a better birth here than you ad where 
you where in the plush and powder line.' 'Tiy a few of them 
plovers hegs, sir/ I says, whishing, I'm asheamed to say, tint 

somethink would choke hunele B ; 'and I hope, mam, now 

youVe ad the kinduiss to wisit me, a little refreshment won't be 
out of your way.' 

'* This I said, dctummind to put a good fiue on the matter ; and 
because in herly times Td reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the 
hold lady, which I sliould be a roag to forgit. She paid for my 
schooling ; she got up my fine linning gratis ; shea given me many & 
many a lb ; and manys the time in appy appy days when me and 
Maryhaun has taken tea. But never mind thai, ' Mam,' says I, 
* you must be tiretl hafter your walk.' 

*^ * Walk 1 Nonsincc, Jeames,' says she ; ' it's Sunday, ic I came 
in, in the cart,* 'Black or green tea, ma'am?' says Fitzwanvn, 
intarupting hei*. And I will say the feller showed his nouce & 
good breeding in this difficklt monuuk ! for he'd halready silenced 
hunele Bill, who mouth was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny sausage 
Perrigole i>ie, and other dellixics. 

** * Wouldn't you like a little somethink in your tea. Mam,' says 
that sly wagi? Cimibars. ^ I/c knows what I like«,' replies the 
hawflc hold Lady, i)intin«;; to me (which I knew it very well, having 
often seen her take a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), 
and so I was a])Iee<j:ed to border Fitzwarren to bring round the 
licures, and to help my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. 
She tost it hoff to the elth of the company, giving a smack with 
her lipps after she'd emtied the glas, which very nejirly caused 
me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me, she didn't igspose 
herself mucli farther : for when Cinqbars was pressing her to take 
another ghts, I crietl out, * Don't, my Lord,' on which old Gnum 
hearing him edreSvSed by liis title, cried out, * A Lord ! o law ! ' and 
got up and made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak 
another word. The presents of the noble gent heavidently made 
her uneezy. 

" The Countiss on my right and IumI shownt symtms of ixtream 
disgust at the beaj-viour of my relations, and having called for her 
carridge, g«>t up to leave the room, witli the most dignified hair. I, 
of coarse, rose to conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast 
it was ! There it stood, '^ith stars and garters hall- hover the 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 395 

pannelB ; the fbotmin in peach-coloured tites ; the hosses worth 3 
hundred a^piece; — and there stood the horrid Itnnen-cart, with 
' Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex/ wrote on the bonl, 
and waiting till my abandind old parint should come out. 

"Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone 
Fuddlestone, the great bamet from the Nortli, who, great as he 
is, is as stewpid as a howl, looked on, hanlly trusting his goggle 
Ts as they witnessed the sean. But little lively good natenl Lady 
Kitty Quickset, who was going away with the Countiss, held her 
little ds out of the carridge to me and said, * Mr. De la Pluche, you 
are a much better man than I took you to be. Though her Lady- 
ship is horrified, & though your Grandmother did take gin for 
breakfast, don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for 
honoring their father & mother.' 

" And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed tliat 
all the good fellers thought none the ivuss of me. Cinqbars said 
I was a trump for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord 
George Gills said she should have Ids linning; and so they cut 
their joaz, and I let them. But it was a great releaf to my mind 
when the cart drove hoff. 

''There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and 
which, I muss say, I thought lickwise : ' Ho, Jeames,' says she, 
' liall those fine ladies in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's 
not one of em can hold a candle to Mary Hann.' " 



'* Railway Spec is going on pliamusly. You should see how 
polite they bar at my bankers now ! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & 
Company. They bow me out of the bank parlor as if I was a 
Nybobb. Every body says I'm worth half a millium. The number 
of lines they*re putting me upon, is inkumseavable. I've put Fitz- 
warren, my man, upon several. Reginald Fitzwarren, EM|uire, l(N)ks 
splendid in a perspectus ; and the raskle owns that he has made two 
thowsnd. 

" How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me ! If I go 
into Lady Binsia hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is 
there, and cries out, * O do make room for that dear creature I ' 
And she romplyments me on my taste in musick^or my new Broom-oss, 
or the phansy of my weskit, and always ends by asking me for some 
shares. Old Lord Bareacrcs, as stiff as a iK)aker, as prowd as Loonyfer, 
as poor as Joab — even he condysends to be sivvle to the great I)e 
la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's, lately, in his sollom ))ompus 
way, ' to fiiver him with five minutes' conversation.' I knew what 



396 THE DIARY OF 

was coming — application for shares— pat him down on my priTafte 
list. Wouldn't mind the Scrag End Junction passing throng Bare- 
acres — hoped I'd come down and shoot there. 

" 1 gave the old humbugg a few shares out of mj own pocket 
' There, old Pride,' says I, ' I like to see yoa down on your knees to 
a footuion. There, old Pompossaty ! Take fifty pound ; I like to 
see you come cringing and begging for it' Whenever I see him in 
a veri/ public place, I take my change for my money. I digg him 
in the ribbs, or slap his padded old shoulders. I caH him, ' Bare- 
acres, my old buck ! ' and I see him wince. It does my art good. 

'' I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. 
Lady Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her 
right, of course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was 
getting on in my fassanating ^-ay — f\dl of lacy ally (as the Marquis 
says) and easy plesntr>'. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked 
me to drink sham])ane ; and on turning to tak the glass I saw Charies 
Wackles (with womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurrier's house) 
grinning over his shoulder at the butler. 

" The beest reckonised nic. Has I was iiutting on my palto in 
the hall, he came up again : * How dy doo^ Jcames ? ' says he, in a 
findish visi)er. * Just come out here, Chawles,' says I, * I've a wonl 
for you, my old boy.' So I beckoiie<l him into Portland Place, with 
my pua in my hand, as if I was &nng to give him a sovaring. 

"*I think you said " Jeames," Chawlcs,' Siiys I, *aud grind at 
me at dinner 1 ' 

" * Wliy, sir,' stiys he, * we're old friends, you know.' 

" * Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him 
just one on the noas, wliich sent him down on the pavemint as if 
he'd been shot. And moimting myjcsticly into my cabb, I left the 
rest of the grinning scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb." 



" Have this day kimpleate<l a little efair with my friend George, 
Earl Barejicres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self 
& that noble gent. Aljining the Bareacre jiroppjity is a small piece 
of land of about 100 acres, called Si]uallop Hill, ig«)eding ad^'unta- 
geous for the cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a 
pickewlear fine fla\iour from the natiu* of the grass, tyme, heather, 
and other iKxlarefhrus plants which grows on that mounting in the 
places where the rox and stones don't prevent them. Thistles here 
s also remarkable fine, and the land \a also devided hoffby luxurient 
Stone Hedges — much more usefle and ickonomicle tlian your quickset 
or any of that rubbishing sort of timber : indecil the sile is of that 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 397 

fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there altogether. I gave 
Bareacres £50 an acre for this land (the igsact premium of my St. 
Helena Shares) — a very handsom price for land which never yielded 
two shillings an acre ; and very convenient to his Lordship I know, 
who had a bill coming due at his Bankers which he had given them. 
James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust time a landcfl pro- 
priator — or rayther, I shoidd say, is about to reshume the rank & 
dignity in the country which his Hancestors so long occupie<l." 

'* I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the 
Squallop Estate, Diddlesexshire, the projierty of &c. &c., bonlered 
on the North by Lord Bareacres's Country ; on the West by Sir 
Granby Growler; on the South by the Hotion. An Arkytcct & 
Survare, a young feller of great emagination, womb we have 
employed to make a survey of the Great CafFrarian line, has built 
me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plush ton Hal], Diddlesex, tlie 
seat of I. de la P., Esquire. The house is reprasentetl a handsome 
Itallian Stnicter, imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by beautiful 
gardings. Theres a lake in front with Ixmtsful of nobillaty and 
rausitions floting on its ]ilacid suflface — and a curricle is a driving 
up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or ])erha])s 
Lady Hangelana de la Pluche. I 8i)eak adwisedly. I fnaj/ be 
going to form a noble kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to 
unight my family once more with Harrj'stoxy, from which misfortn 
has for some sentries separated us. I have dreams of that sort. 

"I've scan sevral times in a dalitifie vishn a sertimj Erl^ 
standing in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union 
with a serting butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or 
Sir Jeames and Lady Hangelina <le la Pluche ! Ho ! what will 
the old washywoman, my grandmother, say? She may sell her 
mangle then, and shall too by my honour as a Gent" 



t( 



Ab for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I wa» going 
to give 5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I liad some 
ideer in vew. Ham I not a Dirw^tor of the Grand Diildlcsox? 
Don't Squallop lie amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single 
Gloster, and Scrag Eml, thnnigh wliich cities our line jmissos \ I 
will have 400,000 lb. for that mounting, or my name is not Jeames. 
I have arranged a little barging too for my friend the Erl. The 
line win pass through a hangle of Baroacre Park. He shall have a 
good compensation I promis you ; and then I shall get hick the ^iOOO 
I lent him. His banker's account, I fear, is in a horrid state.'* 



398 THE DIARY OF 

[The Diaiy now for seTend days oontains paiticiikn oi no 
interest to the public: — Memonuida of (Hty dinnen — 
meetings of Directors — fieahionable parties in which Mr. 
Jeames figures, and nearly always by the side of his new 
friend, Lord Bareacres, whose " pompoaBaQr," as 
described, seems to have almost entirely sabsided:] 

We then come to the following : — 

"With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's 
Gyzeti the folloing news : — 

" ' Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of 

Diddlesez. 
"'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Deputy 

Lieutenant.' " 

" ' North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry. 
" ' James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice 
Blowhanl, promoted.'" 

** Aud his it so ? Ham I indeed a lauded propriator — a Deppaty 
Left nan t— a Capting? May I liatend the Cort of my Sovring? and 
<lror a sayber in my couutrj's defensi I wish the French trocd 
land, and me at the liead of my squadring on my boss Dcsparation. 
How I'd extonish 'em I How the gals will stare when they see 
me in yoiiniform ! How Mary Haun would — but nonsince I Tm 
halways thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's. She 
couldn't abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's 
got a gtXKl place. Any summ of money that would sett her up in 
bisuiss, or make her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. 
I told my granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing 
on ix>rpose on Desiuinitiou to leave a five lb noat in an anvylope. 
But she's sent it back, scalcil with a thimbill." 



'' Tuesday, — Reseavd the following letter firom Lord B- 



rollatifF to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear 
on that hospicious seramouy : — 

" * My dear De la Pluche, — I think you had better be pre- 
sented as a Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, 
I hardly know what the uniform Is now. The last time we were 
out was in 1803, when the Prince of Wales reviewed us, and when 



C JEXJIES Iȣ UL FLU CHE 399 



we won ¥Tem€h gfrj JM^fSk imiiciSK rtnl iiinr.«;^'>> liiircfi, ninificfn 

the RgiilatiaB y€g-<«i ctf" ^r^t^^n ut-iurf^ Thir, crfys viZ Lardlj 
answer at proest, and niasi ut miiditK*^ .if SLiir««. TTf -rt-re- '.aJjcd 
the White Feaxfaen. in Utimt a^yh. Fuc jlj jatl I ikic:)di^T 'r> 
commend the DefHOr Lanitcstkin. 

'^^I ahaD be bapfj to jcckxt t'c: k: liif- Le^i?e and hi the 
Drawing-nKvn. Ladjr BarBa^Ttt wiZ *> il i- -vx f ? iLe 13ilk, with 
Angeliiia, who will W jreaeii^Ki ul iukT ji^t. If t vije has beaid 
mnrii of Ton. awi » axixiciw t^- luakt 3 mz^ wy. ukiLiUKie. 

" ' All my pHifik- art t*<-kwic*i w.ii liniir jh.i* : fcT H^aiTfu's 
sake, mj clear leZjcw, kni zx«t irrt LuidrKi and i^ihst j-iur^^ rtrj 
gratefoUr, 



bat Fm for the cairrkiT.* 



^ Jewlf win aiwaj* be a ta^rryi aLiJw^iwajy wfiL il^. It waa 
in that mcaith that I l«ca2x«<- i^.ToskHy tr.i^isaiiiii'i wiih zi^r Prim 
and my graooot &Avixik. 

**Loiig before the b'jf^t>.cif <^eiii a^-url y^a zl^t lii^Lriii tLat 
my bnam waa in no tiiffliiir fiatvr. .>>a4>li£ '•/ Lij:.t% I jof't them 
thinking of the great ew«ix^.r if i^j^Vri i;iXur c/#'/ 'J^th*-* uiy 
higfalida — the eyc^iear ^.4 my w^kiLj :ij*.tu^t» ^ v^j'-l luy elujLUienL 
Curta, Eria, i«e«ataT>4is, Gc*]'>iix:, jcrw3->iu S'T^riiiX iLieri;:iiii^ in 
my dreemba anreaMily. I Xi-jf-^ :•< ^y it (f'.*r LuiLin phib umisLn 
nerer smcly i^Hcvkd that of n.y wi<-k<«i wick>i rL4iu;, <»u<r Ligiit I 
artially dxcmt that Her K. H. tLt- Pnn'tMi HsJIm vais gr 'Wn ufi, 
and tlttt there was a Cabinit ('-aium-', it* fietoixijziiii v}jetli«:r Ler & 
waa to be beatoad <.€i me or tLe PriiA» <.*f .Shii-MuffinhaiwrD-Pumi^'n- 
stein, a yoimg Pnxwliu or Geniiin;;^ z^'D of n<>bilJaty. I ai^k lULly 
panting for this boidadaus ideer. 

*^I aaid, in my f.4nmer reman, that I )ja«l fl* t'Jiiiriiin''«l t-j be 
preaented Ui the D«jtni of my re^-eareiJ S'.'vanD;: 11 a fnelintary 
coaefaewm. The Coiirt-«bo>ta id m-hi«b SirillianK atteii*i a L»'vy are 
ao mMomming like t}j<'— tlK— livrit^ (ojoiu wud ! I '*^ to |.;it it 
down) I naed to wear l«fore enttrin;: exv^iaty, that I (-•*ul'iu t a hide 
the Bkotiiun cf wearim; one. 3Iy detimimi nation waj» fuiuly tixt to 
apeer aa a Yominry ( arilry Hoffii^er, in the galleant voiinifnnji of 
the North Diddkaez Huzzai^. 

''Eba that ledgmint hail not been mit »U3 1803, I thouj^rht 
myaelf quite hotbehaol to make such balterations in the youniform 



400 THE DIARY OF 

as shuited the presnt time and mj metured and dygiiit taate. 
Pig-tales was out of the question. Tites I was detummined to 
mintain. My \egg is praps the finist pint about me, and I iras 
risolved not to hide it under a booshle. 

"I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I 
have seen Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Maij 
Hann used to go there. Ninety-six guineas worth €i rich goold 
lace and cord did I have myhandering hall hover those shopeib 
inagspressables. 

^* Yellow maroeky Heshn boots, red eels, gpold sptus and goM 
tassles as bigg as belpulls. 

'' Jackit — French gray and silver oringe fisisings & cnphs, accord- 
ing to the old patn ; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, & 
settin hoff the cemetry of my figgar not dimdviniqjudy. 

" A huzza polcese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of 
Demaskus steal, and a sabcrtash (in which I kep my Odidone and 
imbridered pocket ankercher), kimplcat my acooterments, which, 
without vannaty, was, I flatter myself, uneak, 

*^ But the cro^nding triumph was my hat. I oouldnt wear a 
cock At. The hiizzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous 
old brass £lmet & LepptmLskin. I choas a hat which is dear to 
tlie iiieiiiry of licven* Brittn : an at which was inwentcd by my 
FeeUl JMarslile and jwlonl Prins ; an At which vulgar prejidis <£• 
Joaking liiis in vane etoiiipteil to run <lown. I chose the Halbert 
At. I didn't tell Rireacres of this egsabishn of loilty, intending to 
surprise him. The white j^loom of the West Diddlcsex Yomiiigry 
I tixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a 
sha\ing-bnish. 

"You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt 
niglcct to praotus my i>art well ; and had sevral rehusileSj as 
thev sav. 

" This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full tiigs. 
I made Fitzwarren, my bocldy sen'ant, stand at the dor, and figger 
JUS the Lonl in Waiting. I jnit Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my 
grand harm cliair to rcprasent the horgust piisn of my So^Ting ; 
Frederick, my secknd man, standing on her left, in the liattatude 
of an illustnis Prins Conscirt. Hall the Candles were lighted. 
* Captain de la Phtche, presented fnj Herl Bareacres, Fitzwarren, 
my man, igw^laimed, as a<lwancing I made obasins to the Thrown. 
Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of imhuttarable loilty towards the 
British Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup (my Dimascus Simiter 
leould git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fiist was weiy 
disagreeble) — rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly 
but respeckfl hommitch tonls my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreateil 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 401 

backards out of the Roil Presenta. I kep my 4 Buvnts hup for 4 
hours at this gaym the night before my presntation, and yet I 
was the fust to be hup with the sumnce. I coodnt sleep that 
night. By abowt six o'clock in the morning, I was drest in 
my full uniform ; and I didnt know how to pass the interveaniug 
hours. 

" * My Granmother hasnt seen me in full plii^/ says I. * It 
will rejoice that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle 
in life. Has I ave rea<i in the novle of " Kennleworth," that the 
Herl goes down in Cort dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart^ I will 
go down in all my splender and astownd my old washywoman of a 
Granmother.* To make this detummination ; to border my Broom ; 
to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying to bring it ; was 
with mo the wuck of a momint. The next sor as galliant a cavyleer 
as hever rode in a cabb, skowering the road to Healing. 

" I arrived at the well-known cottich. My huncle was liabsent 
with the cart ; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I 
passed through the little ganling where the close was hanging out 
to dry. My snowy ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly 
porch, as I hentere<l the apartmint. 

" There was a smell of tea there — there's always a smell of 
tea there — the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I a<lvanced 
tords her ; but ha ! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary 
Hann ! 

" I lialmost faintid with himotion. * Ho, Jeames ! * (she has said 
to me subsquintly) * mortial mann never looked so bewtiHe as you 
did when you arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer 
mortial, you were diwine. 

" R ! what little Justas the Hartist has done to my mannly 
etractions in the groce carriketure he's made of me." 

■ •«*•.• 

''Nothing, perhaps, ever crcate<l so great a sensoshun as my 
hentrance to St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish 
Hambasdor himself was not so much remarked as my 8hui)erb turn 
out 

*' As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Hiuuca, I was 
resolved to come to the ground on hositbark. I had l)es]>aration 
phigd out as a charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses fn>m Ollywell 
Street, in which I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarrcn, hout of livry, 
woodnt stand it) and 2 fellers from Kimles, where my bosses stand 
at livry. I rode up St. Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hady- 
congB — the people huzzaying— the gals waving their handkerrherB, 
as if I were a Foring Prins — hall the winders crowdid to see mo 
pais. 



402 THE DIARY OF 

" The guard must have taken me for a Hemprar at leasts when I 
came, for the drums beat, and the guard turned oat and adated me 
with presented harms. 

'' What a momink of triumth it was ! I sprang myjesdcklf 
from Desperation. I gav the rains to one ci^mj hoffderiies, and, 
salewting the crowd, I past into the presnts of mj Most GiadooB 
Mrs. 

"You, peraps, may igspect that I should nanait at lenth the 
suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am 
not one who would gratafy imputtnint curaiowiy, Bispect kit 
our reckonized instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye 
rallying round my Thrown. 

" Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgost Ptesnts, — when 
I sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Moat Gracioas 
Prins^ to admire womb lias been the chief Ohjick of my life, my 
busum was scased with an imotium which my Fenn lifewsea to dix- 
cribe— my trembling knees halmost rifused their hoffis — I reckleck 
nothing mor until I was found pluiinting in the harms of the Lord 
Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd to be standing by (I knew our 
wuthy Priinmier by Punch's picture of him, igspccially his ligs), and 
he waA conwussing with a man of womb I shall say nothink, but that 
he is a Hero of 100 fitos, and heveriffite he fit he one, Nead I say 
that I elude to Harthiir of Wclliugting ? I introjuiced myself to 
these Jents, and intend to improve tlie equaintanee, and peraps ast 
Guvmint for a Bametcv. 

ttr 

" But tliere was another piisn womb on this droring-room I fust 
had the inagsprcsaablc dalite to l)eold. This was that Star of fashing, 
that Sinecure of neighbouring i's, as Milting observes, the ecomplisht 
Lady Hangclina Thistlewootl, daughter of my exlent frend, John 
George Crodfrcy do Bullion Thistlewoo*!, Earl of Bareacres, Baron 
Southdown, iu the Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggis- 
more, in Scotlaml, K.T., Lonl Leftnant of the Coimty of Diddlesex, 
&c. &c. This young lady was with her Noble Ma, when I was 
kinducted tonls her. And surely never lighted on this hearth a 
more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady Han- 
gel ina was the fairest Star — in that reath of Loveliness the sweetest 
Rosebud ! Pore Mar>' Haun, my Art's young affeckshns had been 
senterd on thee ; but like water through a sivv, her immidge dis- 
ai)eared in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of 
Hangelina. 

''Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow — a grand and 
hawflle pusnage her Latlyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an 
enawmus i)loom of Hostridge phethers ; the £Eire Hangelina smiled 
'with a sweetness perfickly bewhildring, and said, *0, Mr. De la 



a JEAJIES DE LA PLUCHE 403 

Plache, rm so d ffi g iitgd to maikt tout AnqnainUzktY^. I bar" often 
heud of joo.' 

^^"®f •■▼• !• * ha* Skcstkaked mj ina^snifi^knt izidstanc^ to 
the &ir I^t H»griiui ? M i«i«r« iititraf^ j^^or th rair / ^ (For 
you see Fre not itiiddied ' Pt-Httn. ' itr n.:*tLink, ^.i have lnnt a 
few Frendi phnces wiiLf.»3i ▼hkh &. G«it cf fiLs^hn speaks 
now.) 

" * 0/ replies mj Lsdj. - h v»* |a|A firpt : ai^i then m Teiy 
t^pry old friend of joanJ 






* MThose name is,' sst* L ji-j*lit *^«i by my su>3pi:d cursw^aty- 



Hoggins — Manr Ann Hci^idn*' — ansim*! mv Ladv (laffing 
phit to splitt her little Bid<« \. • Sh^ is my mai^l. Mr. De la Plache, 
and Fm afraid yon are a Tery sad n«i person.* 

** * A mere baggytelL' say* L • In fommer days I ira# equainted 
with that yoong woman : l«ut ba}tered fcuckmFtaucies have Bep- 
parated ns for herer, an<l mom^ rttre is iiratreevably j^erd^te else- 
where.' 

" ' Do teO me all about it. Who is it ? When was it ? We 
are all dying to know.' 

" ' Since aboat two misniu, aD<i the Ladys name l^^ns with a 
/Toy' says ly loc^ng Imt t'l-odariy in the fiM-e, and coDJum: op haU 
the fiHHinitiops of my smile. 

'"Mr. De la Ploehe/ here said a gentleman in whit<kers and 
mistaches standing by, * hadn't ymi better take yotir fspure out of 
the Countess of Bareanes's train ! * — ' Never minti niauma'd train ' 
(said Lady Hangelina) : ' thL« Is the peat Mr. I^ Li Phiohe, who is 
to make all our fortnneft — vrnii^ t'M^». Mr. De la Pluohe, let me 
present yon to Captain Geonrc- Silvertop.* — The Caj>ting bent just 
one jint of his back very f^litely : I retund his stare with equill 
hottiness. *Go and see for Lady Bareacres's carridge, George,' says 
his Lordship; and vispers to iiic, 'a rousin of ours — a p(x>r relation.' 
So I took no notis of the feller when he came hack, nor in my 
sabsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems a knife and fork 
was laid rq^ for this shabby Capting.** 



**TkMsday Xtght, — O Hangelina, Hangelina, my paa^hn for 
you hogments daily ! IVe >)can with her to the Hopnu I «Mit her 
a bewtifle Camellia Jyponiky fn>m Covn Ganling, witli a iTi|ue«t 
she would wear it in her raving Air. I wour another in my butnolo. 
Etds, what was my sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and 
igsammined the house with my glas ! 

"She was as sulky an<l silent as pawsble, however — would 



404 THE DIARY OF 

Bcaroely speek; although I k^oled her with a thofwand little 
plesntries. I spose it was because that wulgar laakle Silvertop ^dood 
stay in the box. As if he didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast 
and counts for nothink) that people sometimes like a tatytaty^* 



^^ Friday, — I was sleeples all night I gave went to my 
feelings in the folloring lines — there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera 
that she's fond of. I cdapted them to that mcllady. 

''She was in the droring-room alone with Lady R She was 
wobbling at the pyanna as I hentered. I flung the conYa8ati<« 
upon mewsick ; said I sung mjrself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor 
Twankydillo) ; and, on her rekwesting me to faver her wiUi some- 
think, I bust out with my pom : 

m 

«<'WHEN MOONUKE OER THE HAZURB 8SA& 

" ' When moonlike ore the hazore seas 

In soft eflfulgence swells, 
When silver jews and l>alniy breaze 

Bond down the Lily's bells ; 
When calm and deap, the rosy sleap 

Has lapt your soal in dreems, 
R Hangelioe ! R lady mine ! 

Dost thou remember Jeames f 

I mark thee in the Marble All, 

Where Engl.inds loveliest shine- 
I say the fairest of them hall 

Is Lady Haogeline. 
My soul, in desolate eclipse, 

With recollection teems — 
And then I hask, with weeping lips, 

I>o:it thoa remember Joamos ? 

Away ! I may not tell thee hall 

This soughring heart endures 
There is a lonely s}Mjrrit-call 

That Sorrow never cures ; 
There is a little little Star, 

Tliat still above me beams ; 
It is the Star of Ho{>e — but ar ! 

Dost thou remember Jeames I ' 

"When I came to the last wonls, "Dost thou remember 
Je-e-e-ams ? ' I threw sucli an igspresshn of unuttrable tendemiss 
into the shake at the hend, that Hangelina could bare it no more. 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 405 

A bust of uncumtrollable emotium seized her. She put her anker- 
cher to her &ce and left the room. I heard her laffing aud sobbing 
histerickly in the bedwor. 

" O Hangelina— My adored one, My Arts joy ! " . . . 



'^Bareacres, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet 
Southdown, B's eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby 
Capting (who seems to git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he 
likes), have beene down into Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the 
spawts of the feald there. 

" Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a 
hinnasent boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and 
ehoot sparrers in the E<lges with a pistle)— I was reyther dowtfle as 
to my suxes as a shot, and practusd for some days at a stoughd 
bird in a shooting gallery, which a chaj) lusted up and down with a 
string. I sugseaded in itting the hannimle ))retty well. I bought 
Awker's * Shooting-Guide,* two double gims at Mantin^, an<l Halected 
from the French ])rint8 of fashn the most gawjus and ellygant 
si)ortting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and gooM caj), woar very 
much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller & grocn imbroidcred sat ting, 
a weskit of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWliirter tartn 
(with large motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and 
sporting subjix), high leather gayters, and inanx^ky plux)tiiig shoes, 
was the simple hellymencc of my costcwm, and I flatter myself 
set hoff my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I tcM)k down none 
of my own pusiud istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, 
and my grooms, with DesiKiration and my curricle ossi^s, and the 
Fourgong containing my dressing-case and close. 

" I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Rail- 
road Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most pmwHiterous 
districk of the hempire. The scpiires prest forranls to welcome 
the new comer amongst *em ; and we had a Hagricultund Mcating 
of the Bareacres tenantry, where I made a sju^vh drt>riii;,' tcarH from 
heavery i. It was in compliment t*) a laylx)rer who had brought 
up sixteen children, and live<l sixty years on the istatc on Fcven 
Iwbb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my ntation. I 
shook hands with that mann in lavindcr kidd gloves. I told 
him that the purshuit of hagriculture was the noblist h<K'kupa- 
tions of humannaty : I s]>oke of the yoming of Hengland, who 
(under the command of my hancisters) had conquere<l at Ha(|jin- 
oourt & Cressy ; and I gave him a jmir of new velveteen inagspress- 
ables, with two and six in each pocket, as a rewanl for three score 



406 THE DIARY OF 

yean of labor. Fitzwarren, my man, brou^t them fomidi on 
a Batting cushing. Has I sat down defhing chean adewted the 
horator ; the band struck up ' The Good Old En^^iah Gentleman.' 
I looked to the ladies galry ; my Hangelina waived her ankaaher 
and kissd her & ; and I sor in the distana that pore Maiy Hann 
efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints." 



*< What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady 
Hangelina's company ! Sins she wears her yoimg lady's igsploded 
gownds and retired caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt 
her which is puffickly admarable ; and which, haddid to her own 
natral bewty & sweetniss, creates in my boozum serting sensa- 
tiums . . . Shor! I mustnH give ivay to fealinx imwuthy of a 
member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me but a mear 
rocklection — a vishn of former ears ? 

" I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. 
I met her in the grand Oollydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in 
a melumcolly hatttitude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which 
was elumiuntiug the fair parx and gariiugs of the hancient demean. 

" * Bewehiis Lady Hangelina,' says I — * A penny for your 
Ladyship's thought,' says I. 

" * Ho, Jeames ! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche I ' haiisereil a well-kno^n 
vice, with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. * You know 
what my thoughts are, well enough. I was thinking of happy 
happy old times, when both of us were poo — poo— oor,* says Mary 
Haun, busting out in a phit of cr>ing, a tiling I can't ebide. I 
took her and and tricil to cumft her : I pinted out the diffirents 
of our sitawitshns ; igsplainecl to her that proppaty lias its jewties as 
well as its previlet<*hes, and that mj/ juty clearly was to marry into 
a noble famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going 
hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up — * The real 
Siming Fewer,' as they say in tlie play. 

" There they stood together — tliem two young women. I don't 
know which is the ansamest. I coodu lielp comparing them ; and 
I cowlnt help comparing myself to a certiug Hannimle I've read of, 
that found it difhcklt to make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A." 



" That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren — my oan man — a feller Fve 
maid a fortune for — a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to ! — a low 
bred Wallydysliamber ! jfle must be thinking of &lling in love 
too ! and treiiting me to his imperence. 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 407 

"He*8 a great big athlatic feller — six foot i, with a pair of 
black whiakere like air-bnishes — with a look of a Colonel in the 
harmy — a dangerous pawmpus-epoken raskle I wamint you, I was 
coming ome from shuiting this haflemoon — and passing through 
Lady Hangelina's flour-garding, who shoidd I see in the summer- 
ouse, but Mary Hann ])rctending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitz- 
warren paying his court to her ] 

" * You may as well have me, Mary Hann/ says he. * IVo 
saved money. We'll take a public-house and I'll make a lady of 
you. I'm not a purse-proud ungrateful fellow like Jeames — wlio's 
such a snob (* such a sxobb ' was his very wonls !) that I" m 
ashamed to wait on him — who's the laughing stock of all the gentry 
and the housekeeper's room too — try a vian, says he — * don't be 
taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.' 

" Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carr>'ing my bagg, 
bust out a laffing — thereby causing Mr. Fitzwarren to turn round 
and intarupt this polite convasation. 

" I was in sucli a rayge. * Quit the building, Mary Hann,* says 
I to the young woman ; * and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the good- 
ness to remain.' 

" * I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller — all 
the coloiu?} of the ranebo. 

" * Take off your coat, you imiwrent hungrateful scoundrl,' 
says I. 

" * It's not your livery,' says he. 

** * Peraps you'll umlerstand me, when I take off my own,' 
says I, unbuttoning the mothcrapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 
* Take my jackit, Joe,' says I to the boy, — and put myself in a 
hattitude about which there was no mistai/k" 

• ■•■•• 

"He's 2 stone heavier than me — ancl knows the use of his 
ands as well as most men ; but in a fite, llotHFn et'en/think : the 
Snobb can't stand before the gentleman ; and I shoiUd liavc killc<l 
him, I've little doubt, but they came and stopt the fito bctwigHt us 
before we*d had more than 2 rounds. 

" I punisht the raskle trcmeigusly in that time, thou<;h ; and 
I'm writing this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come 
down to dinner on account of a black-eye I've got, which in swcld 
up and disfiggrs me dreadfl." 



"On account of the hoffle black i which I reseavetl in my 
nogcounter with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for 



408 THE DIARY OF 

sevral days, with the rose-coloured curtiDgs of the apartmint dosed, 
80 as to form an agreeable t^ilike ; and a li^t-bloo sattin shayd 
over the ii\jard pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me 
as much as pawsable ; and (has the Poick well obserrea * Nan bat 
the Brayy desuTs the Fare ') I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the 
ladies for my tempory disfi^gapannent. 

" It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end 
to my phistycoughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him 
no mallis : but of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my 
suvris, apinting Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle 
Valley. 

** Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me 
continyoul visits during my retiremint Lady Hangelina was halways 
sending me messidgcs by her : while my exlent friend. Lady Bare- 
acres (on the contry), was always sending me toakns of affeckshn 
by Hangelina. Now it was a coolin hi-lotium, inwentcd by herself 
that her Ladyship would perscribe — then, agin, it would be a booky 
of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and jyponikys), 
which none but the fair &3 of Hangelina could dispose about the 
chamber of the hinvyleeil. Ho I those dear mothers ! when they 
wish to find a chaii3 for a galliant young feller, or to ixtablish their 
dear gals in life, what awj>ertunities they ttill give a man ! You'd 
have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi) that I 
couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, and 
blemonges, and that I ooiildnt cat the latter dellixies (which I 
ebonmiinate ontemoo, prefiirriu*^ a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the 
kickpshaw8 of France) unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em, 

and sacrafised mv.sc*lf for her dear siivk. 

» » 

"I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord 
B. and his son, I had niayd my pniposals for Hangelina, and was 
axepted, and hoped soon to l>c ma<le the appiest gent in Hengland. 

" * You must break the matter gently to her,' said lier hexlant 
father. * You have my warmest wislu^, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, 
and those of my Lady Barcacrcs ; but I am not — not quite certain 
about Lady Angelina's feelings. Girls are ^ild and romantic. 
They do not see the ne<*essity of pnident establishments, and I 
have never yet been able to make Angelina understand the embar- 
rassments of her fiunily. These silly creatiut?d prate about love 
and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than 
theirs know how to estimate.' 

" * Do you mean that she aint fa^sanateil by me ? ' says I, burst- 
ing out at this outrayjus ideer. 

" * She icill be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her, 
— your admirable manners must succeeil in captivating her, and 



C. JEAMES D£ LA PLUCHE 409 

a fond fiither's wiaheB will be crowned on the day in which you 
enter our family.' 

" ' Recklect, gents,' aays I to the 2 lords, — * a hargin^'s a bai^ug 
— I'll pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a 
gtraynger^ — (this I said in a sarcastickle toan) — 'I wouldnt take 
such a Wthaty. When I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of 
your estayt. Ill make your incumbrinces as ri^ht as a trivit, and 
restor the ouse of Bareacres to its herly sjilender. But a pig in 
a poak is not the way of transacting bisniss im))]oyed by Jeames 
De la Pluche, Esquire/ 

*' And I had a riglit to speak in this way. I was one of the 
greatest scrip-hohlers in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle 
fortune. All my shares was rising imnience. Ever>' p<»ast brot 
me noose that I was sevral thowsands richer than the day befor. 
I was detummind not to reerlize till the proper time, and then to 
buy istates; to found a new femily of Delapluchcs, and to alie 
myself with the aristoxy of my countr}-. 

" These pints I reprasentetl to pore 3Iary Hann borer and hover 
agin. *If youVl been Lady Hangelina, my dear gjil,* sa.vs I, *I 
would have married you : and why don*t I ? Bec'ause my dooty 
prewents me. I'm a marter to dooty; and you, my pore gal, 
must cumsole yorself with .that i<leer.' 

** There seemed to be a consperracy, too, lietween that Silvertop 
and Lady Haugeliua to drive me to the siune pint. *What a 
plucky fellow you were, Pluche,' says he (he wtw niytlicr more 
ikmilliar than I liked), *in your fight vith Fitzwarn»n I — to engage 
a man of twice your strength and science, though you were sure 
to be l)eaten ' (this is an etroashous fulscMnl : I should Iiave finnisht 
Fitz in 10 minnits), * for the sake of pore Mar>' Hann ! That's a 
generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to eminence like you, 
having his heart in the right place. When is to l)e the marriage, 
my boy ? ' 

"•Capting S.,' says I, *my marri<lge consunns your nuwt umble 
servnt a precious sight more than you ; '—and I gi'v him to un<ler- 
stand I didn't want him to put in hiB ore —I wasn't afnivtl of his 
whiKkers, I prommis you, Capting as he wiw. I'm a British Lion, 
I am : as brayv as Bon.^iK^rt, Hannihlc, or Holivcr (/mninilc, and 
would fece bagnits as well as any Evy drigoon of 'eui all. 

" Lady Hangelina, too, ig8i>awstulatc<l in her hartfl way. * Mr. 
De b Pluche (seshee), why, why pn»ss this iM»int ? You can't 
suppose that you will be happy with a i>crH(»n like nir ?' 

" * I aihjttT you, charming gal ! ' says I. * Never, never go to 
say any such thing.' 

***Yoa adore«l Mar>' Ann first,' answers her Ladyship; *vou 



4IO THE DIARY OF 

can't keep your eyes off her now. If any man oomrto her you 
grow 80 jealous that you begin beating him. You will break the 
gill's heart if you don't marry her, and perhaps some one else's — 
but you don't mind ihaV 

'' ' Break yours, you adoarible creature ! I'd die first ! And as 
for Mary Hanu, she will git over it ; people's arts ain't broakn so 
easy. Once for all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. 
It's a pang to part with her ' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears), 
' but part from her I must.' 

'* It was curius to remark abowt that sing^ gal. Lady 
Hangelina, that melumcoUy as she was when she was talking to 
me, and ever so disml — yet she kep on laffing every minute like the 
juice and alL 

" ' What a sacrifice ! ' says she ; ' it's like Napoleon giving up 
Josephine. What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!' 

" * It does,' says I — ' Hagnies ! ' (Another laff.) 

" * And if — if I don't accept you — you will invade the States 
of the Emperor my i^apa, and I am to be made the saenfioe and 
the occasion of peace between you ! ' 

" * I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and 
Hemperors yoiur Pas; but I know that yoiu* Pa's estate is over 
hedaneers morgidgc<l ; that if some one don't elp him, he s no better 
than an old iwiwper ; tluit he owes me a lot of money ; and that Fm 
the man that can sell him up boss & foot : or set liim up agen — 
ihaVs wliat I know, Lady Hangelina/ says I, with a hair as much 
as to say, * Put thnt in yoiur Ladyship's pii>e and smoke it.' 

"And 80 I left her, and nex day a sorting fSishnable paper 
enounced — 

" * Marriage in High Life. — We hear that a matrimonial 
union is on the tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal 
fortune in the Railway World, and the only daughter of a noble 
earl, whose estates are sitiuited in D-dtUes-x. An early day is 
fixed for this interesting event.' " 



" Coutry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn 
upon the fealinx of wimniing \) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much 
efected by the hideer of my marridge inith Hangelinar. I was 
rayther disapinted peraps that the fickle young gal reckumsiled 
herself so eaisy to give me hup, for we Gents are creechers of 
vannaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit seeks : and betwigst 
you and me there uym momiux when I almost whisht that I'd 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 411 

been bonie a Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have per- 
mitted me to marry both these sweet beinx, wherehiis I was now 
condemd to be appy with ony one. 

" Mean wild every think went on very agreeable betwigst me and 
my defianceil bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. 
Showery the great Hoctionear to look out for a town mauKhing 
Bootable for a gent of my quallaty. I got from the Erald Hoflis 
(not the Mavming Erald — no no, I'm not such a Mough as to go 
there for ackrit infamation) an account of my famly, my hanns 
and jiedigr}'. 

" I bordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which 
iny arms and my adored wife's was drawn & (juartcrcd ; and I got 
portricks of me and her paynted by the sellabnited Mr. Shalh)on, 
being resolved to be the gentleman in all things, and knowing that 
my chaiucter as a man of fashn wasn't complciit unless I sat to that 
dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis I prcsento<l to Hangclina. It's 
not considered flattring — and though sh^ ]>arteii with it, as you will 
hear; mighty willingly, there's one young lady (a thousand times 
handsomer) that values it as the happlc of her hi. 

"Would any man beleave that this picture was sotdd at my 
sale for about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was 
bought in by Mary ban n, though : * di>ar Jeamcs,' says slio, oflen 
(kissing of it & pressing it to her art), ' it imt \ annum enough 
for you, and hasn't got your angellick smile and tlic igspreshn of 
your dear dear i's.' 

" Hangelina's pictiu: was kindly present^Hl to me by Countess 
B., her mamma, though of coarse I i>aid for it. It was engraved 
for the * Book of Be^'ty ' the same year. 

" With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known 
her — but the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was i>ainte<l 
in a gitar supposed to be singing one of my little melladies ; and 
her brother Southdown, who is one of the New England iM)itM, wn)te 
the follering stanzys about her : — 

" LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT. 

•*BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN. 

" The cattle towon of Baroacrea are fair upon the loa, 
Where the cliffs of lK)nny Diddlcsox ri^e up from out tho sea : 
I stood upoQ the donjon keep and vicw'd tho country o'er, 
I saw the lands of Barcacros for fifty miles or mi>rc. 
I stood upon the donjon keep — it is a sacred place, — 
Whore floated for eight hundred years tho l>anncr of my race ; 
Ai^gent^ a dexter sinoplo, and ^\c% an azure field, 
There ne'er was nobler cognisance on knightly warrior's shield. 



412 THE DIARY OF 

The first time Engliuid saw the shield 'twas nmnd a Nocmaii ne^ 

On board a ship from Valery, King William was on dedc 

A Norman lanco the colours wore, in Hastings* fiital fray — 

St Willibald for Bareacres I 'twas doable gales that day t 

O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald ! in many a battle since 

A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince ! 

At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Pbitiers, 

The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spean I 

'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hoar oar war-cry ringing : 
O grant me, sweet St. WilUlxUd, to listen to such singing ! 
Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, wo drove the foe before as, 
And thirty score of British bowj kept twanging to the choras ! 
O knights, my noble ancestors, and shall I never hear 
Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing dear I 
I'd cut me oflf this strong right hand a single hoar to ride. 
And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at yonr side ! 

Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine ! 

Those bluMhing lips may never sing tho glories of our Hne : 

Our ancient castlra echo to the dnmsy feet of churls, * 

Tlio spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Efuis. 

Sin<,' not, sint; not, my Angeline ! in da}-8 so base and vile, 

Twere sinful to l»e happy, 'twere sacril^c to smile. 

ril hio me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob 

I'll muse on other days, and wish — and wish I were — A SSOB." 

"All young Hengland, I*m tohl, consulere the poim bewtifle. 
They*re always writing about battleaxis and shivTlery, these young 
chaps; but the i<l(»er of Southdown in a shoot of aimer, and his 
cuttin hofF his * strong right hand,' is rayther too good ; the feller is 
about 5 fit hi, — as ricketty as a Ixibby, Mith a vaist like a gal; and 
though he may liave the art antl curri<lge of a Bengal tyger, Fd 
back my smallest cal)-boy to lick him, — that is if I aci a cab-boy. 
But io ! mif cab-da vs is over. 

" Be still my hagnizing Art ! I now am about to hunfoald the 
dark payges of the Istry of my life ! " 



" My friends ! you've seen me ither2 in the fidl kerear of Fortn, 
prawspnis but not hover prowd of my ))rawsperraty ; not dizzy 
though mounted on the hay)»ix of Goixl Luck — feasting hall the 
great (like the Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has 
been my moddle and igsample through life), but not foigitting the 
small — No, my beayviour to my granmother at Healing shows that 
I bot her a new donkey cart (what the French call a cart-blan^) 
and a handsome set of peggs for anging up her linning, and treated 



C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE 413 

Huncle Bill to a new shoot of close, which he ordered in St. Jeames's 
Street, much to the cstonishmcnt of my Snyder there, namely an 
olliff-green Telvjrteen jackit and Bmalcloee, and a crinisn plush 
weskoat with ^b»-buttns. These pints of geuarawsity in my dis- 
posishn I never should have eluded to, but to show that I am 
natiutdly of a noble sort, and have that kind of galliant carridgc 
\* hich is equel to either good or bad forting. 

'*What was the substns of my last chapter? In that cvery- 
think was prepa}Ted for my marridge — the consent of the parents 
of my Haugelina was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was rea<ly (as I 
thought) to be led to Himing*s halter — the trooso was honlered — . 
the wed<lin dressis were being phitte<l hon — a weildinkake weighing 
lialf a tunn was a gettn reddy by Mesurs Gunter, of Buckley S<iuare; 
tlierc was such an accoimt for Sliantilly and Honiton laces as would 
have staggenl hennylxxldy (I know they did the Commissioner 
when I came hup for my Stiffikit), and has for Injar-shawls I bawt 
a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away — no not by Hiss 
Iness the I^jan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and 
<limind shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and 
Mortimer. The honey-moon I intende<l to pass in a continentle 
excussion, and was in treaty for the ouse at Hall>onl-gate (hopsit 
Mr. Hudson's) as my town-house. I waited to cum<»lude the putchia 
untie the Share-Markit which was rayther dej)rt»8t (oing I think not 
so much to the atax of the misrabble Timett, as to tlie jirotlicyiig 
llama of the j\famin(f Erald) was rostorctl to its elthy toan. J 
wasn't going to part with scrip whicli was 20 priuimium at 2 or 3 ; 
and bein confidnt that the Markit woiUd rally, had bought very 
largely for the two or three new accounts. 

" This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I 
gayv orders for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their 
accounts. / am the soaJ of onour — but no gent can jwiy when he 
has no money :— it's not my fault if that ohl wrew Lady Barracres 
cabbidged three hundred yanls of lace, and kep hick 4 of the binrgest 
diminds and seven of the largist Injar Shawls- it's not my fault if the 
trailespeople di<in git their goods back, and that Liuly B. declared 
they were last, I began the world afresh with tlie close on my 
back, and thirteen and six in money, conc<»jdin<^' nothink, giving up 
heverjrthink, Onist and undismayed!, an<l thou^di lH\Mt, with phuk in 
me still, and reaily to l)egin agin. 

" Well— it was the day before that apinte<l for my I'nium. The 
Ringdove steamer was lying at Dover rcjidy to carry u« hoff. The 
BricUe apartmince haii been hordere<l at Salt Hill, and 8ul)s<|uintly 
at Balong sur Mare— the very table cloth was laid for the we<ldn 
brexfiit in HI Street, an<l the Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the 



414 THE DIARY OF 

Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had arrived to seDahnyt oar imiaaL 
All the papers were full of it Crowds of the fiudmaUe worid went 
to see the trooso, and admire the Carridges in Long Hacre. Our 
travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting, and vennilliam 
and goold weals) was the hadmanition of all for quiet eQygna. We 
were to travel only 4, viz., me, my Lady, my vally, and Mary Hann 
as fiundyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from opoaing our matdiy 
this worthy gal liad quite givn into it of late, and lau£^t and joakt, 
and ei^oyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly. 

" I*d left my lovely Bride very gay the night before — aving a 
multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts 
to settle : atsettrey atscttrey. It was layt before I got these in 
border : my sleap was feavrLsh, as most mens is when they are going 
to be marrid or to be hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one : 
tri