Memoirs of the Rev. James Fraser of Brea, A.D. 1639-1698

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MEMOIRS

OF THE

REV. JAMES FRASER OF BREA,

A.D. 1639-1698.

(Written by Himself.)

CEith Introbiutorp Jjote

BY

Rev. ALEXANDER WHYTE, D.D., Free St. George's,
Edinburgh;

Also, SHORT SKETCH of FRASER

BY

Rev. GUSTAVUS AIRD, D.D., of Creich, N.B.

(SECOND THOUSAND.)

Inverness: Melven Brothers.

Edinburgh :
John Menzies & Coy.

London :
Marlborough & Coy.

1801.

PUBLISHERS' PREFACE.

IN publishing this (which they believe to be the Seventh)
Edition of the Life of the Rev. James Fraser of
Brea, the Publishers desire to state that it occured to them
it might supply a felt want, from the interest created in
Fraser by the allusions to him in Dr Alexander YVhyte's
Edinburgh Weekly Lectures on Bunyan's Grace Abounding ;
also, to his more specific reference to him at the Free
Church General Assembly held at Inverness last year.

In addition to Dr YVhyte's kind Introductory Note to
this Edition, Dr Aird has favoured the Publishers with a
Short Sketch of this worthy minister of the Seventeenth
Century, which they hope will go far to make the book an
interesting and helpful study.

The author Shepherd so often referred to in the Memoirs
is the Rev. Thomas Shepard, of Cambridge, New England,
whose sermons on the "Parable of the Ten Virgins" were
published in 1636-40.

Inverness, July, 1889.

INTRODUCTORY NOTE

BY

Reu. DrWhyte, of Free St George 's, Edinburgh.

52 Melville Street,
Edinburgh, April 1st, 1889.

Dear Mr Melven,

I AM glad to see that you are about to publish a new
edition of Fraser of Brea. In this you are doing
a great service to the cause of personal religion in the
country. Fraser was one of the ablest men in a time of
able men, and his high and abiding value stands in this,
that he turned his great intellectual gifts so powerfully to
the interests of experimental religion. Fraser is one of
my prime favourites: he stands besides Augustine, Bunyan,
Baxter, Edwards, Boston, Shepard, and Halyburton, at my
elbow.

I wish your new edition great success.

With much regard,

Yours most truly,

ALEXANDER WHYTE.

SHORT SKETCH OF REV. MR FRASER

BY

Rev. Dr. AIRD, of Creieh.

MR JAMES FRASER was born at Brea, parish of
Resolis, Black Isle, Ross-shire, 29th July, 1639.

His father was proprietor of Brea, a Knight, and brother
of Lord Lovat of that time, who was a Covenanter. James
succeeded to the estate, was possessed of good talents, well
educated, became the subject of a gracious change; his
Memoirs are a proof of its genuiness.

Although at first he intended studying law, he eventu-
ally gave himself up to the study of Divinity, was licensed
and ordained, apparently about 1672, by the Field Pres-
bytery of Moray (that is, the outed ministers in that district
who had constituted themselves into a Presbytery). (See
Macdonald's, of Nairn, "Covenanters." He was strongly
opposed to Prelacy, and was a thorough Presbyterian and
Covenanter; suffered much and long for his faithful testi-
mony to the rights of the Redeemer's Crown.

In August, 1673, ne ^vas intercom muned along with
several eminent ministers and also gentlemen and ladies.
Although exposed to all the difficulties connected with in-
tercommuning, yet he had the testimony of his conscience
that he was following his Master, and had the privilege of
being in the company of Hog of Kiltearn, McKillegan of
Fodderty, and Donald Cargill, with many others of a kindred
spirit.

In 1677 he was imprisoned in Edinburgh, brought before
a Committee of Council, and sent to the Bass, where he
suffered severely, but enjoyed much of the Lords presence.

In 1679, witn others, he was taken from the Bass and
imprisoned in Edinburgh, but liberated and enjoyed free-

VI.

dom until 1681, during which time he continued wandering
but preaching every Lord's-day.

In 1681 he was sent by the Council to Blackness Prison,
was at length liberated upon bond to leave Scotland for
London.

The ministers of Inverness after the Revolution kept
their charges and livings by qualifying to Government.
Although one of the Episcopal ministers who had qualified
died in 1691, yet the magistrates would not suffer the
charge to be declared vacant, and on the 21st June of that
year all the avenues to the church were beset with armed
men, so that no minister might enter; and when Duncan
Forbes of Culloden, father of the Lord President, sought to
open the doors, he was thrust back and struck. He and
others on this account represented the case to the Council,
and in August, 1691, Leven's Regiment was sent north to
protect the well-affected in obeying the law; but for ten
years thereafter no Presbyterian minister could be settled
there (see Shaw's "Province of Moray," page 379). Mr
McKillegan, Fodderty, because of his ailments was obliged
to reside in Inverness, to be near a physician, and preached
there until his death, 8th June, 1689.

Mr Fraser of Brea also preached there for some time,
but was not admitted minister (see Shaw, page 359). He
was eventually admitted minister of Culross, where he
finished his course about 1698 or 1699.

He was assisted at a Communion in Culross in 1698,
very shortly before his death, by the celebrated Boston of
Ettrick, then a young man.

Fraser and his associates suffered, laboured, and bore
testimony for truth and religious liberty. May we, their
descendants, be kept from provoking the Lord to withdraw
them. "Stand ye in the ways and see and ask for the old
paths, where is the good way, and walk therein."

GUSTAVUS AIRD.

Free Church Manse,

Creich, Jul)\ 1889.

THE PREFACE.

THE design of publishing this part of the works of
the worthy Author, is to do honour to his memory,
and to gratify severals, whose savour of piety hath indeared
it to them; of whom we might mention some of high
distinction. If it be asked why it was not published
sooner, there is no other reason to be given than that it
was a loss, and that better now than not at all. By the
Dedication to Mr Thomas Ross (a singularly pious minister
in the North), the Author seems to give permission to
publish it, so that the world may be fully satisfied that
the work is genuine, being copied from that writ by his
own hand, of the truth of which they may rest assured,
as can be attested by several ministers still living. The
reason why Mr Thomas Ross did not cause to publish it
probably was, that he was at the time he received it in
prison at Tayne, and died there in prison, or soon there-
after. Such as had a tender regard for the Author wished
that this had been published at the same time with the
first part of his treatise on faith: particularly this would
help to clear up that, as to some things dark, and not so
very obvious, at least till it was thought proper to publish
the second part of that treatise. It was and is the wish
of many, that the rest of his life, particularly after his
settlement at Culross had been got; for surely he wrote
diaries during life, but, after all the search possible, this
could not be found. This now published is, however, very
valuable, and will be so esteemed by the truly serious and
judicious, being a very rational account of conversion, as
to beginning, progress, and issue, and of the operation of

the Spirit of God on the heart: and such an account of
faith as cannot but please those who love it, and may, by
the blessing of God, help to engage to it such as hitherto
had it not in reality. There is perhaps no other perform-
ance gives a more distinct account of a supernatural work
of grace; and it is thought not to be unseasonable at this
juncture for reviving piety and the exercise of grace, and
convicting those who make a jest of these serious matters.
The first eight chapters, dedicated to Mr Thomas Ross,
were allowed by himself to be published; what follows is
judged to be of good use, and therefore now published
with the rest.

DEDICATION BY THE AUTHOR

TO

Mr THOMAS ROSS.

Reverend Sir,
" T HxWE thought the disregarding of the Lord's provi-
X dences to be one common great sin, not only
among open enemies, but among professed friends of Christ,
Isa. v. 12; Psal. xxviii. 5. All God's ways, being wisdom
and goodness, are worthy of observation; but especially
those wherewith ourselves are exercised (as having most
certainty and fuller information of them, and concerning
ourselves most) are much to be observed, Prov. xxiii. 26,
and these providences that concern our spiritual estate most
of any, wherein the Lord hath appeared more eminently.
Exod. xii. 42, 'A night much to be observed unto the
Lord,' etc. I have in nothing been more refreshed,
quickened, and edified, than by hearing and reading of
the spiritual experiences of others of the Lord's people,
Heb. xii. 1, and in nothing more comforted and sanctified
than by a serious recalling to mind of the Lord's dealings
with me. Three ways doth the Lord reveal himself — by
His Word, by His works of creation, and by His works
of providence — and 'tis man's happiness to know Him thus
revealed, John xvii. 3. And these are the several glasses
through which the invisible God is seen, John iv. 16. God
doth not reveal Himself to any, that this might be kept
under a bushel, for the manifestation of the Spirit is given
to profit withal, and we find the Lord's people in Scripture
to be much in recounting to others their own experiences,
and God's dealing with them: 'Come, and I will tell vou

what the Lord hath done for my soul,' Psal. lxvi. 16. As
also, the blessed effect this has had on others: 'For this
shall every one that is godly pray unto the Lord, in a time
when He may be found,' Psal. xxxii. 6. The consideration
of this, with the desires of others, and my willingness to
show my thankfulness unto the Lord, by an acknowledg-
ment of these His favours at least, and being some way
hopeful that it might profit others, and to provoke those
exercised more nobly, to manifest the Lord's goodness unto
them; I say, these things have put me out to this work at
this time (O that the Lord would accept it of my hand:)
even to record some passages of divine providence mani-
fested towards me while here in my pilgrimage.

"I have dedicated them to you, sir, because I hold
myself much bound unto you; and some little thing of
this nature, whereby I might kyth my gratitude, I thought
incumbent upon me to do. I looked on you likewise as
one who would with more moderation and discretion pass
over the faults and weaknesses therein than others, to whom
notwithstanding I owe much love; as likewise, you was the
occasion of my undertaking this work at this time in a more
especial way; and, therefore, I looked for a more kindly
entertainment to this child from you, who had such influ-
ence in bringing it to the world, than from others. I
believe you will not fail my expectation; make what use
you please of it, and either censure, correct or approve,
divulge or hide it, as you shall think fit. I wish you profit
hereby, and am in Christ,

"Reverend Sir,

"Your loving friend,

"JAMES FRASER."

I shall reduce what I have met with to these eight
heads: (i) What hath been the Lord's carriage to me
before I knew anything of God, or had so much as the
form of religion. (2) Some steps of God's providence

XI.

while the Lord was drawing me to Himself; or some
preparation-work to my conversion, while my heart was
not fully changed, but only had some appearance of godli-
ness. (3) Some things concerning my conversion, the
time and manner, and what immediately followed. (4)
Of the sad and long decay that happened thereafter. (5)
Relate some things touching my recovery out of that decay.
(6) Some things that happened immediately after this
recovery for the space of four or five years. (7) Some
things relating to my present condition, and some things
I have observed in my experience. (8) Some particular
mercies I have met with from the Lord at several occasions.

MEMOIRS

OF THE

REV. JAMES FRASER OF BREA.

CHAP. I.

TOUCHING SOME THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME FROM MY
BIRTH TILL I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.

i. T WAS born in the North of Scotland, in 1639, July
JL 29th, and was not like to live, but the Lord healed
me; for the evil humours broke out in boils great and
numerous, so that I was very wholesome thereafter; my dis-
position was sullen, and I loved not to be dawted, nor to
wear gaudy clothes; nor had I any wise tales like other
children, so that I gave no occasion to my parents to repeat
them, as parents usually do with fondness: for though my
parents were fond enough of their children, yet my temper
was so peevish, that I was no dawtie; only at school I
learned well, though now and then I stayed away.

2. Even at this time I showed plainly that I had a will
to do evil; for the seeds of wickedness did spring up, and
appeared in many vicious, childish tricks: by all which the
necessity of regeneration was evident, and that by nature we
are under the power of sin and Satan; "Even a child is
known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether
it be right," Prov. xx. 11. And these were all my prepara
tions and dispositions for good.

1

2 Memoirs.

3. Yet the Lord was doing me good all the while. I
overpass common mercies, and mention one that was very
remarkable. My mother being obliged to come south, to
be out of the way of a cruel enemy who prosecuted her,
lived with a relation in a burgh-town on the coast-side: I
was very unruly, and therefore kept under some awe and
restraint from wandering abroad when I pleased; but this
increased my desire to ramble the more. At a time I
slipped out, unknown to any, to a garden where was a deep
well; when once I got out of doors, I ran as hard as ever I
could, and, not taking heed where I went, I fell in a by-path
which carried me directly to the well before spoken of, open
above, and overgrown with grass, which did hide the water
from me; so that ere I knew, I fell over head in the well,
the water being very deep; only my hands laid hold on the
grass that did grow on the sides of the well. Here I con-
tinued for a good space, and would, no doubt, have drowned,
if God had not sent some to my relief; for he that was
appointed to wait on me, not knowing w^hither I went, the
mere providence of God led him out to seek me in the
garden; and when coming to the further end of it, and
despairing to find me, went back with intention to seek me
in the town, which if he had done, I had perished for ever:
but, the Lord directing him in his back-coming to the well,
he cast his eyes and perceived a hand lying on the grass,
which extremity had caused me to do, and, looking more
narrowly, found it was I; and so, addressing himself to my
relief, wTith much ado pulled me out of the water, even ready
to expire, and unable to help myself: and after the water
was poured out of my mouth, and I had slept a while, I was
as well as ever, through the wonderful goodness of God.
Oh that I may walk worthy of this kindness, and that I may
be preserved to do Him pleasure and service! This hap-
pened to me during my first appearance in the world.

nn

CHAP. II.

RELATING SOME THINGS CONCERNING GOD'S DEALINGS WITH
ME WHILE UNDER SOME COMMON WORK OF THE SPIRIT
AND NOT FULLY CONVERTED, FROM THE TIME I WAS NINE
YEARS OLD TILL I WAS SEVENTEEN.

ERE I was really and fully converted, and drawn to
God in Christ, I advanced four steps; and in every
one of them I had undoubtedly rested, and so, missing of
Christ, had undoubtedly perished, if I had not been beaten
out of them: but the Lord seeing me ready to rest in these,
made them all to break under me, until at last He revealed
His Son Jesus to my soul, whom to know is life eternal.

Step I. — Was the getting some prayers by heart, and
saying of them in a formal way morning and evening; so
that now I was complete as I thought: the Lord was like-
wise then drawing my heart to what was good; for when I
said my prayers morning and evening, and did not slight
them, then had I very much peace and comfort of heart;
and when I omitted them, I was vexed in my conscience.
Sometimes for a while together I would omit seeking of God
through sloth, and then would I be terrified with fearful
dreams, the voice of which I thought was a rebuke for
omitting of my prayers; and for a while thereafter I would
be very zealous; and, when I did any kind of duty, I would
not be troubled at all; and what evil soever came upon me,
I judged it to be for the omission of my duties, which I
looked upon as my greatest sin. By these means, as the
most meet and fit for me then, did the Lord seek to cause
me follow good, and to eschew evil.

4 Memoirs of the

But this continued not long, for I decayed; and so
thereby I was beaten from this, as I was from other resting
places. The means and occasions were, (i) Those who
should have overseen me grew careless; they let me alone,
and took no account of me at all, but entrusted me to
others; and therefore, having no king I did what was right
in my own eyes, Judg. xvii. 6. (2) The Lord, after He had
several times drawn me to the yoke by fearful dreams and
some small convictions, finding then that the impressions of
these things wore off me, that I slipped out of the collar
again, and, not intending that this should be my rest, did
not trouble me; and I not having changes, but being let
alone, let God and duty alone, Psal. lv. 19. (3) Because it
was but common grace, and my soul being not united to
Christ the fountain, hence anything I had vanished and
perished, John xv. 4. (4) Several lusts not being destroyed,
but kept, notwithstanding of all my duties, especially pleas-
ures, did in the end choke any good that was sown, Luke
viii. 14. (5) Evil company did me likewise much harm;
and, through continual converse with them, I was trans-
formed into their image, 1 Cor. v. 6 and xv. 33. (6)
Because, if this had not broken under me, I would have
rested here, and so, coming short of Christ, would have
perished, Mic. ii. 10. (7) Because I got not full rest and
contentment in God, and, wanting it in Him, I behoved to
go out to my lusts for it at last, Matt. xii. 44. The unclean
spirit goeth out wanting rest, and finding none: hence he
returns. (8) Because my decay came by degrees, and not
all at once; and therefore still I thought I would overtake
it and therefore said, "Yet a little sleep, a little slumber:"
and the longer I continued, the more indisposed I grew, and
greater difficulties I found, Prov. xxiv. 33, 34. Through
these means mainly it was that I fell from this state, so that
I neglected duty altogether, and at last did so without a
challenge, and gave but too much way to other sins, until
God used new means, and made another assault, which He
did shortly thereafter, thus:

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 5

Step II. — Was the zealous performance of some duties,
especially prayer. Before, I had nothing but conned lessons,
but now I could bake my own bread; and I know not how
and wonder still at it, that, having so little knowledge, I
could yet be able to conceive a prayer, and continue therein
for some reasonable time, and not only so, but to delight in
it likewise, and that in a greater measure than I did formerly.
The occasion was this: My father was sick and like to die,
and then sent for me, having provided a chaplain to the
house, who was to have the oversight of me likewise. He
was a godly, tender-hearted man, but none of the deepest
reach: and his zeal appeared still the more, in that there was
nothing among ourselves but either ignorance, profanity, or
formality; while he seemed to follow the power of godliness,
for which he was generally hated and despised. He was a
great enemy to vice, such as drunkenness, Sabbath-breaking,
and swearing, ills common enough in the family and country;
and being continued our chaplain after my father's death (for
about that time he died), he set himself to spread the sincere
knowledge of God, and to do good to others; and for this
cause, instructed, reproved, and set them upon the practice
of duties. I coming home, was delivered over to him, and
to his oversight, which was a great grief to me, not relishing
his strictness. The first night, I would have gone to bed
without prayers; but, as I was putting off my clothes, he
marked my design, and commanded I should fall down
on my knees and recommend myself to God e'er I went
to bed, which I obeyed, and said over my evening prayer I
had before got by heart, he reading his book in the mean-
time.

When I was in my bed, the consideration of my new
yoke did put me out to weep bitterly. The man was lean
and hard-favoured, and kept at a great distance from me,
and was very precise, an humour I was never before ac-
quainted with; as likewise, I was secretly fearing the imposi-
tion of greater burdens upon me. I comforted myself by a
little vent I gave my sorrows,

6 Memoirs of the

But to return. One day as we were talking more
familiarly than ordinarily we were wont, he desired to hear
my prayers. I thereupon repeated both morning and even-
ing prayers I had learned formerly. To which, he giving
attention, and knowing both by the matter, and my way of
repeating them, that they were a conned lesson, which I had
some way learned from others, he told me that, unless I had
got the Spirit of God to teach me to pray, I could not go to
heaven; and that all other prayers proved ineffectual. And,
thereupon, a while after, he in all his exhortations to me
addressed to speak against set forms of prayer, and pressed
us that were children to express the pure and real con-
ceivings of our own hearts, though we should but utter five
sentences at a time, and that this, coming from the heart, was
better and more acceptable to God than many and long
prayers taught us by others. He likewise taught us the
principles of religion, the meaning of the Belief, the Lord's
Prayer, and Ten Commands; and had a very strict eye over
us, correcting us soundly for cursing, swearing, lying, and
Sabbath-breaking; and observed our ways narrowly, and took
a strict account of us, both as to what we learned, and of our
practices, but especially of me; so that, in a short time,
through the Lord's blessing, I attained to some competent
measure of knowledge, and left my former ways, and set
about secret and public duties, being about eleven years at
this time; and use made duties easy; and the peace I had
in them, with the hopes of a reward, and the influence of a
natural conscience, made me delight in them, so as in a
short time I went about them no longer by constraint, but
did them of mine own accord and willingly, and sometimes
would exceed what was enjoined me. Every day, morning
and evening, I would bow my knee, and read some portion
of Scripture, and would pray a conceived prayer at some
length, and with some earnestness, but had no spiritual
exercise, and had no communication with God: I likewise
began to comply with my pedagogue better, and to love him
better; and he seeing me profit both in letters and godliness,

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 7

was more kindly to me: nor could he be said for all his
strictness to be rigid to me, insomuch that for the space of a
whole year I remember not that I was twice whipt, and one
time was for swearing and playing at cards. During the
time which he was with me, being a year and a half, I
learned the most of my grammar; but this being not my rest,
I fell grievously away from all this profession and practice.

2. The steps of this decay were, (1) Wantonness and
lightness in time of public prayers, through a foolish light
humour, and the tentations of others: for I studied not
heart-reformation. (2) More slight performance of duties
when I durst not omit them : God suffered this to go with
me, and therefore, (3) I would sometimes omit them alto-
gether, when out of the knowledge of my governor. (4) I
began to play on the Sabbath-day with others, for which I
got a memorandum : for one day being the Lord's day, the
children and I were playing some childish rogueries; which
our governor (good man) hearing, calls us up, and then
very seriously endeavours to persuade us and convince us of
the sin of Sabbath-breaking, and the danger thereof, and
gave us a large exhortation, and thereafter enjoined us all to
go to our knees and confess our sins to God, and seek
pardon thereof, which we obeyed; and for my part, though
at first I was constrained to it, yet I was serious both in
acknowledging of guilt, and seeking pardon of sin : and,
when we had done, we were dismissed, being first exhorted
not to do the like again: which produced a reformation in
us all for some time. (5) Through mine own evil nature,
which was never as then mortified, and the counsel of others
that were my companions, I despised my governor or peda-
gogue, and did join with others in afflicting him by appro-
bation and desire, though I durst not do it so openly. And
I remember, one time he being out, an old soldier who was
pitifully cut and mangled in the face had come to the house,
with whom we got some way acquaint, and put him in the
pedagogue's chamber with a drawn sword in his hand, and
an old red gown on his back, a candle burning before him,

8 Memoirs of the

and sitting in a chair with a table on which he leaned, with
a Greek New Testament in his hand on which he seemed to
read; and all this, that, when the good man would enter the
chamber, the strangeness of the spectacle might affright him,
and that we might have matter of scorning him; and for this
cause we followed him as he was coming to his chamber after
supper; but, when he came in, he suspected that it was a
trick, and went to the soldier and took the sword out of his
hand, and, putting him out of doors, he made him discover
all those that had a hand in it, whom the next day thereafter
he made to crave pardon publicly. O how mighty are folks
when they walk with the Lord! and how little do their
adversaries gain of them! (6) I proceeded from this to a
more open violation of the Sabbath, and played with the
servants at the club on the Lord's day, from six o'clock till it
was nine, my tutor in the meantime, I know not how, either
remitting in his zeal, or hoping when we were more settled in
our affairs (for we were to go south on the next day) to
rectify things. (7) When I came south, my pedagogue
became more rigid to me, and whipt me more frequently, I
confess deservedly; and I turned to hate him, and became
stubborn, and would do nothing for him. My father being
dead, I was but too much countenanced by those with
whom I was, who would not suffer him to take such course
with me as he would and I merited; so that things came
this length, that I openly reviled him, and avowedly omitted
duty. At last he was put away. (8) He once being put
away, I became worse, and did no good at all; I neglected
duty sometimes for many days together. (9) I was much
given to lying and made an ordinary practice of it, so that I
could scarce speak a true word. (10) I turned to mock
godliness sometimes, though this did not proceed so much
from an habit, and nature, and inclination, as from the tenta-
tions of others, whom, by this means, I studied to please.
(11) My conscience at last became seared and insensible, so
that I did all this with little or no remorse. (12) Swearing
little petty oaths of Faith^ Conscience^ and Truths was ordiiv

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 9

ary with me. (13) I broke out at last in the dreadful sin of
blasphemy, which I uttered with my tongue, playing one
afternoon at cards, being about twelve years of age. (14) I
stole from my mother's waiting man five shillings sterling
while I lay with him; and, being suspected for it, I was
denying it, but it was proven against me, and I was with
shame made to restore it. (15) I cursed myself knowingly,
in denying a thing which yet I knew to be true. (16) I
became so wicked, as not content to omit prayer on the
Sabbath-day, and to talk idly as others did, I played the
whole day at the dice, contrary to my light, and my con-
science even in the meantime accusing and condemning me.
(17) I was almost mine own murderer; for being grievously
awed at the grammar school, and ordinarily whipt whether
I deserved it or not, and desirous to be rid of this grievous
bondage, I knew no way but to procure a sickness to myself:
and, for this cause, I went out to the cross and bought
green fruits, and did eat nothing but that, and would often-
times go naked all night, which procured me a flux, which I
desired, and which continued with me for two whole years
almost, which was near to have cost me my life; for, through
grief, and ill diet, and ill guiding, I took a bloody flux, in
which I lay for two days, which was all the sickness I ever
had. In a word, I was clean gone, and nothing all this
time was dealing with me save only some ineffectual checks
and movings upon my heart now and then.

3. This decay did proceed from the same causes with
the former; yet I remarked these ^vx^ things to have had
most influence on me: (1) I prayed, but endeavoured not
to take away my sins: my prayers never killed my lusts, and
therefore my lusts killed prayer: like many now, that profess,
and yet sin on still; that fear the Lord, and serve their idols.
(2) My governor decayed in his zeal, through want of good
company, and through neglect of private prayer in which I
marked him deficient, and through too much familiarity with
the domestics that did blunt his zeal; and I think, seeing
my wickedness grow upon him and overmaster him, he de-

io Memoirs of the

spaired of doing me good: he slept and Satan came in and
sowed tares, Matt. xiii. 25. (3) Because, when he was gone,
none took care of me; and, "having no king, I did what
was good in mine own eyes." None did reprove or correct
me for my faults, nor did look on my soul at all, or put me
out to duty, but gave me loose reins; and, old Jehoiadah
being dead or gone, "I did evil in the sight of the Lord,"
Judg. xxi. 25; 2 Chron. xxiv. 2, T7. 18. (4) Because not
followed with terrors and convictions, peace and ease did me
ill; Prov. i. 33; Jer. li. 39. (5) I found that evil company
did me much harm; I learned their ways; they hardened and
encouraged me in an ill course, and drew me from the Lord:
for in my greatest decays, I mark this, that I was trysted
with carnal, godless company.

4. Yet, notwithstanding of this, I was not altogether left
of God, for now and then I was in some good mood, and
the Spirit of God would strive and draw me contrary to my
inclinations, so as now and then I would pray and read, and
be affected: and this good did proceed from these causes:
(1) Some extraordinary sharp convictions from the Lord on
my conscience, that would put me out to prayer and to get
peace; which storm being over, I cared not for prayer any
more, Acts ii. 37; Psalm lxvi. 3. (2) Outward and grievous
afflictions at school, by reason of the tyrannical rigidity of a
certain schoolmaster I had, who delighted in the scourging
of children, and would ofttimes pick quarrels with me and
scourge me for little or no fault at all; so that every day
almost I was sure to be scourged, carry and do as I liked;
which made my life grievous and a burden to me: and this
in the anguish of my soul would cause me to pour out a
prayer, Psalm lxxviii. 35; Isa. xxvi. 12, 16. (3) Sometimes
our teachers would instruct us to pray; and then an exhorta-
tion had some influence on me, and would put me in some
frame, 2 Chron. xxiv. 2. (4) I would out of conceit some-
times pray. I lingered on in this condition three or four
years, until I went South again, in order to my going to the
college.

Rev [antes Fraser of Brea. 1 1

Step III. — i. I was then going about the form of all
manner of duties both public and private, joined likewise
with reformation and zeal. Before, I was only taken up in
prayer, but now I made conscience of all duties; and there-
fore meditated, read the Scriptures frequently, and kept the
Sabbath very strictly, and reading of good books: and I left
off all my old sins and ways, such as lying, swearing, and
made conscience of all moral virtues; I left my gaming, my
idle talk, and became very temperate; and if I at any time
failed, I would fall down on my knees, and beg the Lord's
mercy. Yea so zealous was I, that I endeavoured to gain
others, and would reprove them for their looseness : and this
produced in me some love to the godly, so that I seemed
both to myself and others a new man, and everything to
become new; and yet a stranger to Christ, and lying fast
bound in a natural condition. But the occasion of this
reformation and great change was this: — One Sabbath-day
afternoon, being then fifteen years of age, I read on a book
called the "Practice of Piety,*' concerning the misery of a
natural man, the torments of hell, and the blessedness of
a godly man, and some directions for a godly life: the Lord
so wrought, and my heart was therewith so affected and
drawn, that without more ado, I henceforth resolved to
become a new man, and to live not only a harmless life,
but a godly and devout life, and to turn my back upon all
my old ways, and utterly to forsake them, and thereupon
immediately to set upon the practice of duties. And in
this way and condition I had marvellous sweetness and
peace, judging and esteeming myself really converted; and
would ordinarily in my prayers thank the Lord for giving
me His good Spirit; and thought with myself, If I would
but continue in this condition to the end, I should un-
doubtedly be saved. And, in a word, I was a complete
Pharisee; and for the benefit of others, I will describe the
frame of my spirit under this dispensation.

2. I had the very characters of a formal Pharisee; for,
(i) I looked only to the outward letter of the law, and

1 2 Memoirs of the

did endeavour an outward conformity thereto; and if I
went about the outward form of duty, I sought no more,
2 Tim. iii. 5; Amos iv. 4. (2) I judged myself rather by
the length and multitude of my duties, more than by any
other thing in them, Matt. vi. 7. (3) I rested in duties as
the end, and made them not the means to bring me to
Christ: I looked on them as opus operatum; and, therefore,
when I did seek or pray for any spiritual mercy, it was not
the things I sought I was mostly taken up with: which did
evidence itself to me in this, That when I prayed for any
mercy, when I got it not, nor any promise for obtaining it, yet
was satisfied; like these, Isa. i. 15. (4) Whenever I sinned,
I satisfied God and my own conscience by doubling my
duties, and gave them to the Lord as satisfaction : and then,
as though the blood of Christ had been applied, there
ensued peace; like those (Mic. vi. 7) that would give "rivers
of oil for the sin of their soul ;" and these (Amos iv. 4)
who would, when they transgressed, go to Gilgal and offer
sacrifice; and the whore, Prov. vii. 14; Matt, xxiii. 14.
(5) Hence my duties did never put away my sins, nor did
tend to this, but I "served the Lord and my idols;" and,
if there was any reformation, it was but the outside of the
platter that was cleansed: but I neither saw, nor did hate,
nor strive against, nor overcome any heart-corruptions; they
never troubled me, 2 Kings xvii. 33; Zeph. i. 5. (6) I was
utterly ignorant of the mystery of the Gospel; I neither
knew nor studied faith nor the promises, nor justification by
imputed righteousness, being altogether ignorant of that,
Rom. x. 3. (7) I was more troubled for the want of
holiness and the neglect of duties than for the want of
Christ Himself; and loved Christ's benefits better than
Christ Himself: I indeed returned, but not to the Most
High, Hos. vii. 16. (8) I hated profane persons, and loved
civil men that had any form of religion ; but did not relish
the most strict, especially such who expressed the power of
godliness, John xv. 18. (9) Heaven was not sweet to me,
but I ever thought on it with grief and aversion, in respect

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 1 3

of the constant uninterrupted spiritual exercises they had
there, and the want of carnal comforts. I loved a kingdom
in this world, Matt. xx. 20, 21. (10) My conscience not-
withstanding after a little profession was unsatisfied, and
there was a worm knawing at the root of all this; and I
could not be quit of this assault, that for all this I might
and would probably go to hell. I had no great security
from all my duties, and my fears were still alive; and aye
I found, the more I did, they increased, Matt. xix. 16; the
young man cried still out, "What shall I do to inherit
eternal life?" (11) Whatever I did was rather to satisfy
conscience, than from love to God, who was a terror to
me, and whom I could not otherwise represent to myself
than as an angry judge, and an enemy, whom I was still
troubled to satisfy. By all which it appears I had no
saving grace.

3. I decayed from this and fell, and wras beaten off it
through these means. (1) My pleasures, vanities, and evil
company, to which I was not mortified, did draw my heart
away, Hos. iv. it; Luke viii. 14. (2) Sins did break out
such as cursing, and swrearing, and carding, and that very
frequently; so as I could not get comfort in duties. And
this produced a despair in me of the wTorks of my hand,
and this weakened me; my duties were not able to bear
up the weight of my sins; and, therefore, sighing, I went
backward; and seeing there wras no hope, and loving idols,
I said I would follow them, Jer. ii. 28; Lam. i. 9. (3)
Duties through process of time began to be a burden to
me, especially wThen they gave me not full satisfaction nor
peace: I was wearied in the greatness of my way, and
with labouring in the smoke, and found no end in the
travail of my soul, and therefore gave over; for this thought
remained secretly in my heart, that I would go to hell
when all was done. I was indeed wearied and laden with
them, Mai. i. 13, "What a wreariness is in God's service?"
Why? Chap. iii. 14, "What profit is it that we have kept
His ordinance?" (4) By a certain providence I was

14 Memoirs of the

brought to see the vanity of all this, which made me seek
to another mountain for rest; and, finding none, I turned
a seeker, though not in judgment, yet really and truly in
practice; which made me despair not only of being happy
by the works of the law which I had done, but even by
these which I was to do; and so put from seeking it after-
wards that way. And this was my last step and dispensa-
tion of providence I was trysted with.

Step IV. — Was, being beat out of all forms, I turned
a seeker, had no principle, but lived in hopes that God
would reveal Himself to me; sometimes I prayed; I had
some comfort in doing duties with any affection and life,
which sometimes I would win unto. The occasion was
this; I was before this a formalist; duties were my Christ,
which I began (through my prevailing lusts and outward
tentations, and withal some secret suspicions of their
influence to justify me) gradually to be remiss in: yet I left
not the principle; for the principle remained (notwithstand-
ing I fell short in my practice) that if I could abstain from
my ordinary sins, keep the Snbbath-day, pray morning and
evening, and do every known duty, I should be saved.
And this continued until, being left by my mother in a
religious family, I by providence took up a book called the
"Seventeen False Rests;" wrherein I found the vanity of
formality in duties discovered very plainly, and some other
pitches and lengths I had not attained to. I was after-
wards confirmed in this by reading the "Confession of
Faith," where it saith "That though one should form his
life never so exactly, according to nature and morality,
without Christ he could not be saved." This was enough;
and the Spirit seconding it, convinced me I was quite
wrong first, and had never known what true grace was:
and besides, despaired ever of myself to come to that
estate of grace: all my refuges of lies were shaken, and that
which many sermons for a long time could not do, now in
a moment three lines did.

2. The frame of my spirit might be thus described: ii-/,

Rev. James Frascr of Jtrea. 15

I thought all my duties, and all I could do, insufficient to
save me, though as yet I saw not so clearly the insufficiency
of duties; and therefore did easily conclude, that all this
time I was in an unconverted condition, and, if I died
without a further change than yet I felt, I should un-
doubtedly be damned. 2tidly, I thought there was a
certain state and blessed condition to which all the con-
verted, and such as had the Lord's Spirit, had come, and
betwixt me and which there was a very great cloud; and
that I was, as it were, locked up from this. 3^/r, I had
some hopes that God might do me good, and bring me to
this state ere I died. ^thly\ I had in the meantime some
sharp and terrible convictions for particular sins, but not for
my evil nature, and which did wear away without any
remaining effect. $thh\ I had no principle, nor rested in
anything, but looked for some divine manifestation and
extraordinary revelation to my soul. 6thlyx I prayed some-
times when the Spirit moved, and sometimes not; yet had
no peace except when I prayed with life and affections;
and then, though I rested not in this, yet would it comfort
me. ithly, I thought those that were regenerate lived a life
of perpetual comfort and glory, and always performed duties
with life; and, when I would arrive at this pitch, I would
judge myself converted. And I further thought, that there
was a marvellous way of attaining to this; I looked for the
kingdom of heaven to come with observation. &t/i/y} I
condemned all men; for seeing the unsuitableness of their
lives to their principles, and their great carnality, and
hearing their fruitless complaints and confessions and
doubts, and expressing nothing of God's love, I thought
all came short, and lived in an empty form. gf/i/y, I
thought them the best preachers who preached most
methodically, and with greatest natural quickness, but
understood not spiritual preachers. lot/i/y, I ordinarily
slighted duties, and fell in outbreakings of swearing, lying,
and idle talking, and carding; pleasures were my idol to
which I was not mortified; I had no principle nor centre.

1 6 Memoirs of the

wthly, I mourned for sin, not because it offended God, but
because of the consequents of it; and this made me con-
clude I was not sincere; and I thought, if once I could
win to hate sin because it offended God, that then I was
sincere. I drove this trade for the space of three years
almost, wherein I was settled in nothing but in a waiting
and seeking condition.

3. During the time I was under the former dispensa-
tions, I was trysted with some wonderful providences,
wherein much of the power and goodness of God, in deliver-
ing me from terrible temptations to despair, did visibly
appear. They were these: First, A year and a half after I
had blasphemed, being in my bed, the thoughts of that
grievous sin came to my mind, and that with such horror
as made me tremble with an unaccustomed fear; this was
the first sting of sin. I essayed to pray, but could not get
my mouth opened ; there did a number of blasphemies and
cursings run in my mind with great horror and against my
will, which I thought was like the devil in me. I had not
knowledge, and therefore was the more troubled; for I was
not fourteen years of age then. The more these thoughts
did run in and present themselves to my mind, my horror
was increased, insomuch that the horror of it was so great,
that at last it became intolerable; and then, in my extremity
and in great anguish of spirit, the Lord pitied me, and
opened my mouth to pray for help, which I did most
affectionately, and with great liberty and abundance of
tears, which did by a secret virtue charm and calm my
confused soul; for now did I by this conceive that I was not
quite forsaken of God, as likewise the terrible apprehensions
I had of God began to cease, and I slept till the next day:
but my troubles began the next day again, and I thereby
was made more devout, so as I read on godly books; and,
casting the book at random, the first passage that I met with
was this, "When Satan casts in blasphemous thoughts in
thy heart, be not discouraged; for they are not thine, but
Satan's." Here was a well of water; though my eyes at

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 1 7

first could not see it so full, yet it did somewhat help me,
and by it now I perceived much of God's condescending
nature. In process of time, when I began to be less troubled,
these blasphemous thoughts did wear away, and so did my
trouble likewise.

A second wonderful and merciful Providence was this.
In the time I was a seeker, and heard them speaking of the
sin against the Holy Ghost, and that it was unpardonable, I
began presently to have some wreak suspicions that I had
sinned that sin, when I had recalled my blasphemy to mind;
but concluded nothing certainly, because I knew not what
that sin might be. And all this time it was my exercise to
inquire at such as had knowledge, what that sin against the
Holy Ghost might be, but was not satisfied, and I had no
books that spake of that sin at all, and some places of
Scripture in the Evangelists that did treat of that sin could
not solve my scruple; but, the longer I continued, the more
my fears increased. At last I took up a Concordance to
seek the Lord's mind in His word anent it, and for this
cause I looked the word Sin; at last I was made to read,
Heb. x. 26, "If we sin wilfully," etc. I read them at length,
and I thought I was stricken therewith as with thunder, and
continued amazed and speechless for a while; for I thought
it was clear and past doubt I should go to hell, seeing I had
sinned against knowledge, and wilfully, not being constrained
thereto; and I could not say but it did proceed from passion
for my bad luck at the cards. So that, for the space of
three days, this temptation was a very sad exercise to me.
Now, said my heart to me, dost thou not at last see thy
doom clearly revealed? What need more witnesses? Then
did I endeavour to pray, but was beaten back, because I
thought it was in vain, seeing there is no more sacrifice for
sin; yet I prayed. That word, I remember, in the midst
of my despair came to mind, "Abraham in hope believed
against hope;" and therefore I thought, though there was
no hope, yet I should hope against hope. This was the
only thing that did uphold me then. I drove heavily and

2

iS Memoirs of the

heartlessly like Pharaoh's chariots, because I had no hope;
although it stood me very much, I multiplied prayers, but
they did not heal me; I remembered Esau, who wept until
he got a blessing. And did Esau, said I, prevail with his
earthly father by his importunity, notwithstanding that he
could not help him, so as in the end to get some blessing,
and cannot the power and wisdom of God help me, though
I cannot conceive how? His thoughts are above mine;
This staid me something, and withal put me to multiply my
prayers, and to increase in importunity. But, after I was
for three days fearfully shaken, and having communicated
my case to none, the Lord did at last grant some deliver-
ance, and was pleased to calm my soul, not by removing the
cause, but by restraining Satan, and ceasing Himself to let
out His hand against me. I got a negative peace that I
was not troubled, but lived as I was wont for a year after
that, until the same temptation occurred again. Tis the
Lord that raises the wind and storm, and that calms them
again; and, oh what a mercy and power, that ever my
conscience should be clear of such a storm! it is yet a
wonder unto me. If He give peace, who can trouble?
Let never any despair after me, though he were certain
of hell; the gladdest word I could hear was, that my sins
were pardonable, and that there was a possibility to be
saved. In no case man is to despair; God can help in
every case.

A third wonderful Providence happened to me a year
thereafter, upon the same occasion. One Sabbath-day, at
night, I had made some vows in my last trouble, that I
would seek God more diligently than I had done; but
when the Lord's arrows were out of my reins, I forgot what
I promised, and turned as bad as ever, being seduced with
carnal company at the college. But the Lord gave me an
awakening: for the sermon I had heard, being a relation
of some under terrors of conscience, and their sad condition,
had some impressions on my spirit, so as by nine o'clock,
in my bed, recalling to mind my old sin of blasphemy, I

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 1 9

thought there was much malice in it and despite. Upon
which, for the space of some hours, a more violent storm
did break out than any I had ever felt. I looked on myself
as one that had undoubtedly sinned unpardonably. I saw
in God's countenance terror, wrath, hatred, and vengeance;
and some of my natural enmity against the Lord did break
out likewise; so that I struggled, murmured, and fretted
against God, like the damned in hell, for suffering me to
sin unpardonably. Despair and want of hope is terrible; I
was as if in hell; no visible thing did uphold me, only the
secret power of God. I was in an hourly expectation when
Satan should come and take me away; and it was beaten
upon me with a mighty impression, that I was delivered to
the devil. It was impossible for me to pray: for in ap-
proaching to God I approached to my torment. I sought
with sleep to pass away that night, the sorrowfullest that I
ever endured, and so to wear away my horrors, and hoped
the morning would some way cheer me; but I could not
sleep, my horror still increased, and hopelessness was the
sting of all my evils. It entered into my head once to put
hands in myself; but this temptation did not take, nor singe
so much as a hair of my head, but looked on it as a mad
thing to torment myself before the time; it was hell I feared,
and should I then run to it? At last, after much tossing,
and hardly praying, it pleased God somewhat to allay my
horror with these considerations, which I thought some
good spirit suggested unto me. 1st, Thou knowest not how
thou sinned, nor the frame of thy heart at that time,
whether thou didst utter these words of blasphemy in rage,
or out of un watchful folly; and wilt thou then condemn
thyself upon uncertainties? This was rational, but did not
calm my heart; it, like cold water cast on a burning, did for
a time ease it, but did not heal, because little of God was
here. 2dfy, It was suggested to me, that those who had
sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost never thought ill of
it, nor rue that they did sin it. It was replied, There may
be a rueing and a repenting, because there may be a fearful

20 Memoirs of the

expectation which may make them rue what they have done.
$dfy, At length the Lord brake in with this, It is certain,
that those who have sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost
can never sincerely repent. Yes, said I, that is true. Well,
said the Lord, take but this counsel: Suspend for a time
judging of yourself, neither concluding that your sin is
pardonable or not, till you see whether God will give repent-
ance or not; and, therefore, while the Lord spares your life,
try Him with this, and seek repentance of Him. If He
give grace, then mayest thou be certain and infallibly per-
suaded that thou hast not sinned this sin; but if not, and
that God give you not repentance, you may conclude that
you have sinned it, and will be damned, and your impeni-
tency will damn you however. To despair will do no good,
and by this course you can be no worse than you are;
though thy condition be already desperate, what losest thou
by this? you may get some peace in the meantime. This
prevailed, and the Lord by it calmed my spirit, so as within
a few days all the impressions of this temptation were worn
away; but I little minded to endeavour repentance.

4. During this time I lived in divers sins; as, 1st, In
seeking and living in pleasures. 2dl\\ Omitting of duties,
and excellent occasions of powerful sermons that were at
that time preached by the ablest men in the kingdom;
as, likewise, I neglected to improve the society of godly
Christians. 3^/r, Neglecting my book and misspending my
time, stilly, Continuing in a course of enmity against the
most godly, and defaming them sometimes falsely. 5////}*,
Playing at unlawful games as cards, dice, and other lotteries,
and that in a place where severe laws were made against
them. 6//z/v, Defaming of my neighbours with pasquils and
light poems. jth/r, Carnal and light in my conversation.
%thl)\ Wasting and spending much money unnecessarily.
9////1', And once overtaken with drunkenness, fourteen days
ere I was converted.

5. From all this I learn, isf, The time of youth is the
most fit season to seek God. I found much tractableness

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 2 t

in myself when I was young, Lam. iii. 27; Eccl. xii. 1.
2ndly\ That the best mean under heaven, for seasoning
young ones with the knowledge of God, is the admonition,
care, and watchfulness of superiors; this was the only thing
that did me good, Eph. vi. 4; Gen. xviii. 19; Deut. vi. 7.
^rdly, That the Lord doth usually bless this mean with
success when it is made conscience of, Gen. xviii. 19,
Abraham shall teach his children, and they shall keep My
commandments. The pains of others upon me had some
effect on my spirit, even whilst much did not appear to
others, tfhly, There is a day of Christ's power; religion
hath a time. Those who are now stamped with hell were
then professing somewhat, and going about the means, and
strict in observing the Lord's Day, Eccl. iii. 1. Every one
got a touch of the wind of God's Spirit. $thly\ God is at
much pains with sinners ordinarily ere He draw them fully,
wholly, and effectually to Himself. I was far from conver-
sion at this time; only I learned that there was a certain
glorious estate of grace to which some were brought, and
that I was a stranger unto it. Rev. iii. 20, He stands and
knocks. Isa. v. 4, "What more could be done to My
vineyard?" Though there were no more, surely I am
much bound to the Lord for His pains He takes on me.
6My} God is good to the unthankful and evil when they
are in extremity. He heareth the cry of nature, and did
hear me in my extremity when I cried to Him, Psal. cvii.
17, 18, 19; Isa. lvii. 17, 18, 19. 7 My, Let never any man,
upon any account, neglect the use of prayer, or other
means, though it seems never so unreasonable: for against
hope, sense, and reason, when I was put to prayer, though
there was nothing but the cries of oppressed nature, it was
not in vain, 1 Kings xxi. 29; Psal. lxxviii. 36, 37, 38;
2 Kings xiii. 4, 5. SMy, It is ordinary to seek to other
physicians and means, and to rest on and close with them,
ere there be a coming to Christ, Hos. v. 13. gMy, All
false rests will fail, and gilded grace will wear away, and
must do so without Christ, partly because of their decaying

2 2 Memoirs.

nature, i Peter i. 24, "All flesh is as grass, and the glory
thereof withereth;" partly because, while these continue
green and fresh, the soul will not seek to come to Christ.
None of the bad grounds came to perfection, Mat. xiii.
lot/i/y, A soul that is a stranger to God, and true conver-
sion, may get and receive some great favours and deliver-
ances at the Lord's hand, and may have particular and clear
experiences of the Lord's power and goodness, as Hagar,
and may be therewith affected, Gen. xvi. 13. wthly, None
can be so bad but they may be worse; there is no bounding
or term of sin, 1 Kings xxi. to 16th verse, \2thly, I find
the neglect or careless performance of private duties, especi-
ally meditation and prayer, to have ever a great influence
on all the decays that happen to a person, Exod. xvii. 1 1 ;
Psal. lvi. 9; Mat. xxvi. 41.

CHAP. III.

DECLARING THE WAY AND MANNER OF MY CONVERSION, AND
OF SOME THINGS THAT HAPPENED THEN AND IMMEDI-
ATELY THEREAFTER.

SECTION I.

Of the Conversion itself.
i. A BOUT the time that the related Providences hap-
./""Y pened unto me, being at the University, and
being at the age of seventeen or eighteen years, our minister
proposed to celebrate the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper,
of which he gave warning the Sabbath preceding the cele-
bration thereof, I purposed (I know not upon what ground)
to partake thereof. I had always a reverent esteem of that
ordinance, and was under the deep impressions of eating
and drinking my own damnation. I knew I was in an
unconverted condition, and that, if betwixt that day and the
next Lord's Day, I were not converted, that I would draw
on myself a very grievous evil; and that, eating unworthily,
I might give over hopes of ever thereafter being converted.
The Lord did therefore put it in my mind, both by ordinary
and extraordinary means, to do my utmost endeavour to
win to a converted condition; nor was I of the judgment
that conversion was within the compass of my own power,
but I hoped that, doing diligence, the Lord might help ;
and for this cause set to work immediately, beseeching God
that He would once effectually work upon my spirit, seeing
all former means had been used in vain. I went to sermon,
and I found a better relish in the sermon than I had wont

24 Memoirs of the

to find, and had an ear to hearken more attentively than at
other times. After we were gone from church, I spent the
rest of the day in spiritual exercises, and so was continuing
very diligent in seeking the Lord, growing daily in the
knowledge and love of His ways, seeing a beauty, and
finding a relish that I never knew before. Books and dis-
courses of practical divinity were only sweet, and so were
spiritual exercises. I had now tasted of the wine, but had
not bought it.

2. But on Wednesday, by six o'clock at night, finding
by marks I had read in books that I was not converted, and
not getting that extraordinary thing I expected, and withal
fully resolved to partake of the Sacrament, I feared that I
should eat and drink damnation to my own soul, and then
that the remedilessness of my condition would be out of
doubt. Sometimes I thought that I would suspend com-
municating at that time ; and if this resolution had pre-
vailed, I would not have troubled myself with religion at
that time: for this was the day of my visitation, and this
made me take pains even to eat and drink worthily. There-
fore, hoping still for some good, I continued in my resolu-
tion; but as I said, when I saw all in vain, and that I met
not with what I expected, though I met with more than
ever I did before, discouragements did quite overwhelm me,
and fears of drawing on more guilt did load me; and,
withal, this apprehension lay heavy on me, and haunted me
like a ghost, That it was in God's mind never to do me
good : so that fear, discouragement, vexation, and despair,
and some horror and grief, did all take hold of me. I
resolved to set the next day apart for fasting, and therein to
seek God, hoping that these extraordinary means might do
something. Hanging, therefore, by the small thread, I
went to prayer with many sad complaints; and the Lord,
while I was like the prodigal son yet a great way off, ran
to meet me. I addressed myself to - speak to the Lord
Christ, and then was there a Gospel view given me of Him;
and some considerations and representations of Christ were

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 25

brought into my mind, that He was the Mediator, a friend,
and Saviour to poor sinners, their only helper, the way,
and the truth, and the life, that died for them, and one
willing to be reconciled. What shall I say? While I was
thus exercised, a marvellous light shined on my understand-
ing, and with the eyes of my mind, not of my body, I saw
that Just One in His glory, and love, and offices, and
beauty of His person ; such a sight as I never did see
anything like it, and which did so swallow me up as I
turned speechless, and only said, What is this? And where
am I now? The glory, love, and loveliness of Jesus, re-
vealed to me, did very far exceed all that ever I saw or
could see in the world, insomuch that there was no com-
parison. I was drawn by this, and after I had recovered,
I said, O Lord, Thou hast overcome me ! Heart and hand,
and all that I have, is Thine; I am content to live and die
with Thee. Begone, poor world, and beggarly vanities, and
despiteful devil and flesh, I will serve you no longer; I
know now of a master and lover to whom henceforth I will
dedicate myself. Now are all my doubts loosed; and now
I see that I have not sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost.
What shall I now do for the Lord ? Let heaven and earth,
angels and men, praise Him : for He hath looked graciously
upon me, and that in my low condition. What am I, or
my father's house, that Thine eye should be cast on me?
There followed upon this such liberty as I thought I could
spend the whole night in prayer. Now was I persuaded
that I was converted, and was come to that pitch which
formerly I wanted ; and all the clouds evanished which
were betwixt the Lord and my soul. This continued in
its strength only for a quarter of an hour, and then it
abated as to its measure, though not altogether; but some-
thing remained. After I rose from prayer, I went to the
fields, nnd there sang songs of triumph. I comforted myself
in my new condition, and prophesied to myself much more,
soeing these were but the beginnings. Nor did I think
that my happiness could be equalled by any; and now was

26 Memoirs of the

I fully content to communicate. I longed for some quiet
place to pour out my soul unto the Lord ; for I thought
He would return, but He did it not. I bore the first
repulse, hoping that at last the Lord would return. All
scruples, fears, and doubts, were banished. I went to bed;
and when I was lyen down, Now, said I, sleep securely, and
so thou mayest, seeing thou art reconciled to God. Never
could I do it one night before; but now let heaven and
earth go together. I thought now, no Scriptures for me
but such as were directed to saints, and therefore read some
chapters of the Second Epistle of Peter, but found little life.
This did shake me. I read some on Isaac Ambrose, and
some marks he had of worthy communicants, of faith, love,
and knowledge, and the evidence of the Spirit shining. I
thought I had these marks ; yet the withdrawing of my life
and glory raised doubts in me, until, by prayer, again I got
some of the glory of Christ seen, which revived me. And
I was much affected with reading Isaac Ambrose's "New
Birth," and I thought there was never anything so sweet.

SECTION II.

Of some Tentations and Clouds ivhich thereafter followed,
and how delivered out of them.

i. The Lord withdrawing that comfortable presence
which I enjoyed before, humbled me very much, and mists
began to arise, and the sky to darken. But that which
indeed raised my exercise to some height was reading on
Shepherd's "Sound Believer," wherein he describes the
manner of true conversion. And as I read, I apprehended
that God hath not dealt thus with me, and that I had not
found such a work on my spirit as he describes (this was
through misunderstanding him), and therefore that I was
not as yet converted; and therefore that my communicating
would be still an eating unworthily. And seeing what I
met with was not Christ, I knew not who he might be, or

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 27

what I should do ; and so was turned desperate. This
wrought sorrow in my heart for a natural condition, and I
sought the Lord in heaviness of heart, and indeed was not
idle; but discouragements increased, and still nothing but
absence, insomuch as I thought my condition worse than
ever. I sought the Lord night and day, as much through
sense of the danger of the want of Him as through anything
else; but all would not do. Neither weekly sermons, books,
counsels, nor prayers, could draw Jesus till His hour was
come. I was then but ignorant, and knew not how to live
by faith, and, wanting sense, was discouraged. The Sabbath
came on which the sacrament was to be given; my fears
and^ sorrows increased, and I was tempted not to communi-
cate. There was one Mr R. B. serving the tables ; he
proponed an objection which some doubting Christians
might have: "Many will say," saith he, "Oh! I fear to
draw on more guilt in my communicating. But, Oh!" said
he, "would to God that there were many of this judgment!
But I will tell thee, poor doubting thing, whether thou
mayest come or not. Tell me, wast thou seeking Christ
or not this week?" "Yes," quoth I quietly. "It is like
thou hast found something then. And did Christ drop
in myrrh in the lock of the door of thy heart ere He went
away? Know it, poor soul, He will come again, for that
is His token; and thou mayest come here, and in His name
I invite thee." This drew me to come, though I found no
sensible presence at the time; and thereupon ensued great
fears. Yet the same Mr R. B. did, in the afternoon,
encourage me again, so as I resolved to pluck up my heart
again.

2. I finding these discouragements did no good, and
that comforting of my heart did no ill, did resolve to cheer
myself, and used some general encouraging considerations
to myself, and therewith was some way strengthened to go
about my generation work. Thou art now engaged to be
the Lord's servant; wait upon Him, and trust thy reward
unto Him. This advice did no ill. Thereafter sermons

28 Memoirs of the

were very sweet unto me, and so was the exercise of all
spiritual duties, so as I grew in the knowledge of the ways
of God; and the more I knew, I was the more delighted
in Him. Every spiritual duty did relish with me, and I
was not well but when out of one duty into another; yea,
the most cold prayers and discourses anent godliness were
sweet, and opportunities of prayer and getting good were
highly prized by me. I began, within a month's time there-
after, to be more slack; but the Lord warned me of it, and
I mended my pace.

3. Thus was the everlasting seed sown that was the light
of glory then arising upon my soul. But this did not long
continue; for thereafter shortly there arose a more grievous
storm, and of longer continuance than any I had met with
yet: for the sacrament being to be given in the town about
that time, I resolved to partake thereof, to see if I could get
anything from God; and for this cause prepared myself
diligently, and went about the work of self-examination.
But being but young, and having small experience of my
own heart, I could get little clearness; however, this exercise
stirred up some things ready to die in me, and I did still
grow in the knowledge and love of the truth ; until one
afternoon, which I had set apart for seeking of God, I was
reading on Luke, 2 2d chap., where Christ did eat the pass-
over with His disciples; and reading these words, "and the
twelve apostles with Him," I know not how it came to pass,
but, reflecting on my deadness in reading such love as this,
I concluded I had no grace; and, withal, observing how
Christ was so familiar with His apostles, and how unkind
to me, the apprehensions of distance and separation from
Christ were so fearful, that incontinently the wind was up
very boisterous, and I was brought again to the rack. Then
did my evil nature discover itself to me, and then did I
murmer and fret against God, that was so kind to others,
and yet kept such distance with me. I envied, as I
thought, the very apostles with some despite, as I conceived.
Fretting and murmuring did but like rain increase the

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 29

floods, and nowise abate them; so that in sorrow and bitter-
ness of heart, I walked up and down for want of God,
whom I could not find, nor knew how to seek, and under
the sensible apprehensions of His wrath, and of an uncon-
verted condition. All these things, with the fearful frame
of my spirit, did put me in great horror, so that I utterly
lost almost all hope. But these winds, through some pro-
cess of time, were calmed, and in one of my calm fits I read
on Shepherd's "Sincere Convert," this being the first time
I ever saw it. I had not read four leaves of him when I
was thrown on my back. The first arrow that did stick in
my reins, and went into my heart, was from these words:
"The children of God do nothing for fear of hell; they
loathe to live like slaves in Bridewell, and like dogs for fear
of the whip." Upon this my slavish acting was discovered,
and therefore I concluded, that wanting that kindly spirit
that acts out of love, which, indeed, as then did not appear
being under a strong fit of the spirit of bondage; I say, not
finding this, I concluded I was yet "in the gall of bitter-
ness." I went after dinner through the fields, and read that
book all through; and the power of God was present. And
reading what lengths hypocrites might come, and the sad-
ness of an unconverted condition, and the great difficulty
of saving conversion, I was wounded through and through.
My condition was now worse than ever, and I was brought
to a certain despair; only I knew not what to think of the
last glorious sight I had of Christ. But as I read forward
I was put out of that doubt. In the same authors dis-
course of a false spirit, which is a means by which a false
peace is begotten, he goes on and compares it with the
Spirit of God, and saith, "That as the Spirit of God doth
humble, so likewise doth the false spirit; and that this false
spirit did reveal Christ, and fill the soul with glorious appre-
hensions of Him, so that the man seems to be wrapt up to
heaven, and hence cries, 'My Lord, and my God.'" Here
was all thou met with, said my conscience: this did put the
business out of all doubt, and I counted what I met with

30 Memoirs of the

formerly but a delusion of Satan. And here all props were
taken away, and by this means a breach was made to all
tentations to enter in; and the devil seeing his time, entered
in with a whole sea of horrors. Then was brought to my
mind my old sin of blasphemy again, and vehemently urged
that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost, which
with such violence he pressed, as I could get nothing
spoken for myself. And that which did heighten all this
was, that the law brake in upon me, that sin might become
exceeding sinful, and wrought in me all manner of disobedi-
ence; for my heart murmured, fretted, and swelled against
God for guiding me thus; and having terrible apprehensions
of Him, I could not love Him. And now, said conscience,
see how thou smellest already of hell; how canst thou
imagine that God will look upon thee that hast such a
cursed nature? The brand of the reprobate is upon thee;
why wilt thou therefore pray or hope any more? Yet not-
withstanding would I pray, and that frequently; I know not
what put me out to it. Many times did I grovel on the
ground, and sought His favour, pity, and compassion; then
was it that my tears were my meat : then was prayer bitter-
ness to me, and my mouth closed, and I as it were bound
with bands; for God was never more terrible than when I
approached to Him in prayer. I remember one day praying
out in the fields, I had this expression: Lord, said I, if
Thou wilt for nothing else compassionate me, yet compas-
sionate my young years; and yet I know not how Thou
canst break Thy faithful word, who hast said that such as
sin against the Holy Ghost shall never be pardoned. Nature
seeks its own preservation, and, therefore, having no other
shift to make, I applied myself to the Lord only. And now
my greatest trouble was concerning the unpardonableness
of my sins, especially that particular sin of blasphemy; yet
would my spirit calm betwixt hands, and be at ease for a
while. I thought the devil had a great hand in my tenta-
tions; for, said I, while I was walking after the flesh there
was nothing of this seen or heard; but since I have come

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 31

to, and engaged with Christ, and followed His ways, is all
this come upon me; it is not likely that this is in wrath, or
from God. I continued in the extremity of this condition
but a few days, never opening my case to any, being bashful.
I was sent for by my relations upon some emergent occasion
that did fall out. I was glad of the opportunity, because
by that means I should shun the sacrament that was to be
given about that time; but, coming there, my tentations
and horrors increased. I thought every creature happy but
myself; meat, drink, and company, were a burden unto me.
4. That which did mainly trouble me was my particular
sin of blasphemy, which did in my apprehension render my
condition helpless and hopeless. 2dly, The evil and terrible-
ness of a natural condition, and the exceeding great diffi-
culty of saving conversion. S^fy, The swelling and raging
of my heart with hatred and enmity against God, "that sin
might become exceeding sinful,'' Rom. vii. 7. tfhly, This
was a terrible consideration, and took away the comfort of
all means, that all I did was sinful, because it did proceed
from me; and therefore I was many times dung back from
prayer by this, Why comest thou to Him, who hates and
loathes every work of thy hands? $thly\ Unsuccessfulness
of means for a long time, whereby I concluded my case to
be desperate, and no cure for it at all. 6thly, These words
sounded terribly in my heart, and were violently beaten in
upon me, God will damn thee, He has decreed it, it is
impossible it should be otherwise, jtAly, The considera-
tion of the great number that should be damned, and the
paucity of such as should be saved. Zthly, My great frus-
trating in respect of former enjoyments, Psal. cii. 10, "He
hath raised me up, and cast me down." gthly, Terrible
dreams and night visions of hell and judgement, \othly,
Fearful apprehensions of God, who was represented to me
as a consuming fire, and an angry judge. Upon all this,
lastly, ensued a terrible despair, prophesying that things
would never be better. Hell did not trouble me much, but
Cxod's wrath, and separation from Him, did lie heaviest on

32 Memoirs of the

me; and this was the evil that I did see and feel in sin.
The devil's end in afflicting with a particular sin was to
cause me despair, and to take off my thought of any other
consideration.

5. While I was thus hopeless and helpless, not knowing
what to do, to aggravate all my miseries, I was to hear a
dead, lifeless preacher. Ah! and must I, said I, have this
with all my evils, to come under a dead ministry? But I
went with the rest, thinking it indifferent whom I heard,
seeing I saw it beyond the power of means to help me.
The text was, 1 Tim. i. 1, "Paul an apostle of Jesus Christ."
I went betwixt sermons to a secret place, and there poured
out my soul to God in prayer; but no refreshing. I came
unto the afternoon's sermon again; but behold the Lord's
goodness! from an unexpected hand, and from so general
a text, and at such an unexpected time, the Lord did send
a calm, and did that which I thought was impossible, viz.,
clear me fully (when I was capable of nothing less, and
after all my considerations had been in vain) that I had not
sinned unpardonably, from these words which he cited in
his sermon, "Howbeit, God forgave me, because I did it
ignorantly and in unbelief." The Spirit said, Whatever
thy sins have been, they have been done in unbelief, or
whilst thou wast an unbeliever, when thou knewest nothing
of God, though they were not done ignorantly; all thy sins
were committed in a time when there was not so much as
a common work of the Spirit, producing a common tempor-
ary faith. This was enough; God may make anything
strong to do His work. The devil and all his storms were
rebuked and calmed, and that suddenly, and so fully, that
I was never thereafter assaulted with temptations of sinning
against the Holy Ghost. My heart was made holy, and I
put on a full resolution to seek the Lord till I should find
Him, and do all in my power for this effect. And now I
had good hopes, seeing my sins were pardonable; and this
hope produced a cheerful endeavour to seek the Lord,
which I did, and was labouring to do good unto others.

Rev. fames Eraser of Brea. 33

and to spread the knowledge of Christ, by which means I
daily grew in the knowledge and love of God. The books
I most read on were, Shepherd, Fenner, and "Practice of
Piety," and "Confession of Faith." God did bless all to
me, though I was not to my own apprehensions converted,
but waiting for some glorious manifestation of Christ, which
should suddenly, and fully and sensibly change me; and,
waiting for this, I continued in this case for the space
of a month.

SECTION III.

Other things relating to my Conversion, and the Lord's
dealing with me, considered.

1. I look upon this as the time of my conversion, and
that then the everlasting seed was sown; that heaven was
begun, and Christ formed within me, upon these considera-
tions: 1st, Because I found my heart changed as to my
company; I hated the most strict before, but now I immedi-
ately found I loved and delighted most in the most holy
and strict people; so that the persons whom before I hated
upon the account of some disobligements, I now loved and
followed: and this love was universal, so as, when either I
heard tell of a godly man, or saw him, my heart warmed;
and the "love of the brethren" I look on as a sign that I
am "translated from death to life," 1 John iii. 14. idly,
Because I found a new esteem of, a great delight in, and
love to, and longing after all the ordinances of Christ and
His commands; I saw a glory in them, I relished them,
every thing that savoured of God was sweet, 1 Pet. ii. 2,
which I never found before. $d/y, Because I found my
heart at that instant mortified to the world, and the esteem
of and delight in it gone, 1 John ii. 15. 4th/y, Because my
soul did see, esteem, love, and delight in the Lord Jesus
above all, and preferred Him not only to the world, but to
the saints, duties, and ordinances: and made a perpetual,

3

34 Memoirs of the

cordial, and personal covenant to live with Him and serve
Him, Psal. lxxiii. 25, 26; 2 Sam. xxiii. 5. $thly, I found a
glorious, universal, and abiding change, wrought by the
Lord Himself, "from sin and Satan to God, and from
darkness to light," 2 Cor. v. 17, "All things were then new."
6thi\>, I was carried with a great zeal for the Lord against
all sin and sinners; and did strive to draw all men to Christ,
by instructing and exhorting them, Prov. x. 21, "The lips
of the righteous feed many;" and, Luke xxii. 32, "When
thou art converted, strengthen others." Then, Jtftfy, I
found a new light discovering to me the mysteries of the
kingdom of God, and making me from that time forward to
understand the Scriptures the exercise of saints recorded
in Scripture; and I delighted not only in the history or
relation of the Scripture, but in the prophecies, promises,
doctrines, and spiritual part thereof, which I never relished
before, Prov. ii. 10, and viii. 9. Then was wisdom and her
ways pleasant, and became plain to me, which were before
locked up and a mystery, Matt. xiii. 11. St/i/v, In respect
of the Lord's after-dealing with me, and of His former
dealing; for He was preparing me before, and dinging me
out of my false rests. And ever thereafter, although there
have been tentations, and shakings, and interruptions, yet
hath that spunk never died which was kindled, but hath
been growing at last, more and more; some good ever
remained, and in my sorest decays, the impressions of
God's dealing at this time remained, so as there was a
longing after the first husband, which was the means to
reduce me out of a backsliding condition. And there-
fore I look upon it as the "well of water springing up to
everlasting life;" and that, in that respect of the remaining
seed, I think I am "born of God," 1 John iii. 9. Hypo-
crites rejoice but for a season.

2. I have looked on the Lord's dealings towards me,
and what this manifestation of Himself in such a manner
as I never had the like all my life might speak to me, and
what might be the ends thereof: and, after inquiry, I found

Re7>. fames F/aser of Brea, 35

them to be, ist, To draw the soul to God by faith and love.
He lets taste His wine, that it may be bought; and there-
fore is there a "seeing of the Son and a believing on Him,"
John vi. 40; John xx. 29. Oh love and come to this
glorious One, and, having discovered Him to be the "Lord
of glory, open the everlasting doors," Psal. xxiv. 7, 9, yea,
and when this love is dead, quicken it again, by remember-
ing Him. 2d/y, To strengthen our faith in His love, and
our hope of heaven; and therefore hath He given this testi-
mony of His love, revealing to me that rare sight hid from
the world, to be a pledge and earnest of heaven; and upon
this to build and strengthen my faith, both in drawing near
to Him, and expecting all good from Him. This revelation
of Jesus, enlightening, comforting, and sanctifying, is to me
the earnest of the inheritance, and seal of the Spirit, men-
tioned Eph. i. 13, 14; 2 Cor. i. 22, "Which is the earnest
of our inheritance." $dfy, To comfort me in my choice,
showing that I have not casten away all for shadows, and
what I am to expect in heaven, of which already I have
tasted, t Cor. ii. 9, "Eye hath not seen," etc. ^thly, To
manifest and make known Himself in His condescending
power and glory, of which I might doubt if I had not seen
with mine own eyes. Why should I doubt of this His
power, when I have myself seen such a miracle, the blind
eye opened, the dead heart quickened, and the heart wholly
changed? "He that believeth hath the witness in Him-
self," 1 John v. 10. Oh to be raised from hell to heaven!

3. I have likewise been thinking what this storm im-
mediately ensuing upon this should mean; and my being
cast down to hell, after lifting up to heaven, w/, To let
me see the evil of mine own heart, and exceeding sinfulness
thereof, which in such a degree I never saw before; and by
the murmuring and rising of my heart, and fierce resistance

1 made, I perceive that by nature I am a bitter enemy to
God, and a toad full of poison and venom. To humble me,
and to acknowledge His grace and love the more, Job. i. 11 ;

2 Chron. xxxii. 31. 2dfy, To be a ground of faith when in

36 Memoirs of the

like straits and cases again, and to have a proof of His
power ; the Lord in my extremity, when there was no
appearance of help, when there was nothing in me but fro-
wardness and rebellion, when I cried, yet pitied me, con-
quering both my sin and misery. And why should I doubt
Him now again? He ever helped me when in extremity,
yea, when my case was most desperate, Rom. v. 4; 1 Sam.
xvii. 37; 2 Tim. iv. 17, 18; 2 Cor. i. 10; Psal. lxiii. 7.
lydly, To acquaint me with the Lord's ways of conversion,
and with His terrors, that I might thereby be a better guide
unto others, and be made more serious, 2 Cor. i. 4, and
v. 14; Psal. xxxiv. 4, 5, 6, 11. \thly, That God might by
me show a pattern of all long-suffering, who obtained mercy
being so wild, 1 Tim. i. 16. $thl\\ To show His justice as
He is the governor of the world, I was very wicked, and
by the law deserved severe punishment ; I trampled on
God's kindness and goodness. And therefore did the
righteous Lord make me find sin bitter, and for this cause
delivered me over to Satan: He took me in His own hand
and corrected me, not willing that I should die and be
condemned either with or for the world, 1 Cor. xi. 32 ;
2 Sam. xii. 13, 14. 6//z/r, To hold out and represent (to
others) the Lord's goodness, love, and condescendency,
that by this experience of His love my heart might be
endeared to Him, Psal. cxvi. 1, " I will love the Lord,
because He hath heard my prayers." Which love of His
was kythed in delivering me from so great depths so unex-
pectedly and by Himself, and so fully and clearly after
all means had been used in vain; and to me who was so
ignorant and wild, and by my unbelief and murmuring
more wild, yet He came over all, and "freed me from my
fears," Isa. lvii. 16, 17, 18. Jth/y, To ding out the bottom
of that tentation, and to pluck it out by the roots, whereby
I was made to believe that I had sinned the sin against the
Holy Ghost; which the Lord did now so fully and clearly,
that I never after was troubled with it. And this was all
Satan gained by this encounter. $th/v, I think it was a

Rev. James 1< reiser of Brea. 37

mean to make me live by faith, and to spean me from sense,
1 Pet. i. 24, 25, seeing by experience I found that all these
sensible glories are but grass that withers, and so not to be
leaned on ; but the Lord's word endureth for aye.

4. I will conclude with remarking some instructions and
lessons I learned from these providences. 1st, It is more
sure to live by faith than by sense; the life of sense is a life
of uncertainties, exposed to assaults, 2 Cor. v. 7 ; 1 Pet. i.
24. 2dly, There is ordinarily in the day of espousals some-
thing extraordinary of God's love and glory manifested; the
fatted calf is killed when first the prodigal is brought home,
Luke xv. 22, 23. No less can assure them of their Father's
love, nor take away their wildness, and make diem comply
with their new life. Hence, Hos. ii. 15, "I will make thee
sing as in the days when I brought thee out of the land of
Egypt." ^dfy, The soul in conversion closeth chiefly with
the person of Christ, Jer. iv. 1, "If thou wilt return, return
to Me;" and the not doing hereof is complained of, Hos.
vii. 16, "They return, but not to the Most High." \thly,
Grace makes a great, wonderful, and universal change,
changing the outward life and inward frame, 2 Cor. v. 17,
"All things are new;" new prayers, new love, new company,
new opinions, and new principles. A man is much different
from what he was, not only while a profane man, but even
while a civil or moral man under some common work.
5////1', One main way by which a gracious frame is kythed
is in love to the saints, and joining with them, Acts ix. 26.
Converted Paul essayeth to join himself with the disciples.
6thly, There may be much corruption to be mortified in a
soul newly brought in to God, and under great flashes.
For notwithstanding of all this diligence, delight in duties
and joy, I was full of ignorance, unbelief; selfish, proud,
conceited and light. Grace is indeed but small when it
begins, Mat. xviii. 3; Mark iv. 31, unknown to themselves;
little faith, patience, and rooted love, though some flashes
there may be. Tthly, The Lord draws sweetly and gently;
and, in the work of conversion, much of His love, of His

38 Memoirs of the

power, and of His glory, is outed and expressed in that act
and work, John x. 16, and vi. 44, 45; Hos. xi. 3, 4. The
work of conversion hath much of God engraven on it.
&t/ify, Greatest flo wings have greatest ebbings, Psal. cii. 10,
"Thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down." Mat. iii. 17,
with Mat. iv. 1 ; 2 Cor. xii. 4, 7. gt/ify, Sudden and extra-
ordinary flashes of joy and spiritual enlargements are more
dangerous, and not so firm, as that which is less sensible
and attained by degrees and pains. The bad grounds
received the word with joy, and sprang up suddenly; but
the good grounds bring forth fruit with patience, Luke viii.
15, and Mat xiii. 20. iot/ify, Whatever good comes sud-
denly (let it be sincere, or unsound, and so but an appear-
ing good) will not continue in that height, but these tides
and inundations will come to their ordinary channel again,
some seeds and impressions and dippings may remain, but
"all flesh is grass," 1 Pet. i. 24. "We walk by faith, and
not by sight," 2 Cor. v. 7. I had never an extraordinary
enlargement, either of joy, strength, or sanctification, but
the waters dried up. There are no sudden steps in grace;
"I will not drive them out all at once," Exod. xxiii. 29.
"They shall go from strength to strength," Psal. lxxxiv. 7.
"The kingdom of heaven is like leaven," that leavens all
insensibly, Mat. xiii. 33. Be content to get matters wrought
by degrees, strength, labour, and pains; and murmur not at
the tediousness thereof, neither expect great things sud-
denly; or if you meet with some such thing, look not for
the continuance thereof, till by degrees ye come up to it.
ut/ify, Little difference appearing from a sudden rapture of
joy betwixt what is in saints and hypocrites, it were wisdom,
when we examine our estate, to examine rather by the whole
course of the life, than by one particular work. Continued
kindness to the Lord speaks more than any particular enjoy-
ment, though never so extraordinary, Psal. xxiii. 6, and
xxxvii. 37, "Mark the perfect man's end;" see what all
ends in. Conclude not peremptorily from beginnings of
any either as to good or evil; I could build little on this,

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 39

if I did not see it backed with an after-tract of kindness; or
else might have thought it the tasting of the powers of the
world to come. The great visible difference of the good
ground from the stony ground was a fruit brought forth to
perfection. Foolish virgins' lamps will go out at last, Mat.
xxv. \2thly, The more pains and the longer continuance
the work of preparation will be of, the deeper; the more
solid and glorious the superstructure will be, Mat. xiii. 21,
"It wanted deepness of earth." i$thly. Unbelief and doubt-
ing of interest is Satan's first tentation to apostacy, Luke iv.
3; Heb. iii. 12; Jer. ii. 28; Lam. i. 9, for I found, when
unbelief came, it made a breach for all other evils, \\thly,
Legal terrors in themselves tend to evil, though God acci-
dentally drives good in them ; and therefore not to be
simply desired or cherished, 1 John iv. 18; Gal. iv. 24, 30;
Rom. vii. 9, yet the Lord brings "meat out of the eater."
\$thly, One main evil young converts are subject unto is
mistakes (as we may see by Scripture examples and our
experiences), especially anent the nature of sanctification
and God's love, which, until cleared, is matter of sad
exercise. I had many mistakes, which were as breaches
leaving me open continually, and for many years, to the
assaults of the enemy ; of which I will speak afterwards.
i6t/ify, Not one remarkable circumstance of Providence
wherewith His people are trysted, whether sweet or sour,
good or evil, but in the end proves there was mercy in it,
Psal. xxv. 10, "All His ways are mercy and truth to them
that fear Him;" which, though for a while, through our not
regarding it, or unbelief misconstructing all, appears not,
yet it is so, and God usually discovers it after many days.
For, after a long while reflecting on times past, I saw in
them so much of God, that I never before considered, that
I found matter of blessing God for all, Rom. viii. 28, "All
things work for good;" even their sins and desertions.
1 7 //z/>', God Himself is more eminently seen, in the mercies
of His people, than instruments; and therefore ordinarily
none doth good but Himself* and that not in the way, thing*

40 Memoirs.

manner, and time, they propose unto themselves, but as He
proposes. "There was no strange God with Him," Deut.
xxxii. 12. "O people saved by the Lord," Deut. xxxiii. 29;
Psal. lxviii. 35, and xviii. 31, 32. iSt/i/y, It is possible
folks may meet with more sharp convictions after conversion
than before, especially if they have not been well hammered
with the law, Heb. x. 32, '\\fter ye were enlightened, ye
endured a great fight of afflictions;'' which are not to be
confined to outward, but inward likewise; Heman may still
suffer terrors, Psal. lxxxviii. throughout. And I question if
Job ever found such work as afterwards. I grant they
"have not received the spirit of bondage" (which is one's
constant frame), hence Hannah is called "a woman of a
sorrowful spirit." Before conversion (except when madness
made me rejoice), death and judgment were continually
terrible unto me, and "through fear of death, was kept all
my lifetime in bondage," Heb. ii. 15, but now it is but in
fits. A fearer of God may "sit in darkness, and have no
light," Isa. 1. to. But though they create sorrow and dis-
couragements unto themselves, and love to swim in these
black streams, yet have not they received this spirit of
bondage, but the Spirit of adoption, and they may come to
God as a Father. This is their allowance, and the new
nature and seed of grace tend to this; yet preternaturally,
and by accident through mistakes and corruptions, it is
hindered that it vents not itself in these filial motions, and
will in end do it; yet, trysted with dispensations of Provi-
dence, they may be troubled with this spirit of bondage.
Howsoever they take it and harbour it, yet they received it
not of God; "Perfect love casteth out fear," 1 John iv. 18;
it is not their allowance.

CHAP. IV.

RELATING SOME THINGS TOUCHING A DECAY THAT
HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY THEREAFTER.

I FELL in a sad decay both of light, and life, and
consolation ; the steps of it were :
i. Step I. — Was unbelief and doubting of my interest
in God, and of His love, through the mistakes of the nature
of sanctification, and by a wrong construction of provi-
dences, and ignorance of the covenant of grace; so as I
was in Job's condition; though I had prayed, and God had
answered me, yet could I not believe it; I could not believe
I was so happy as to be converted. And having such sad
thoughts of myself, I had a bad construction of God and
all His ways to me, inasmuch as I thought God did in
wrath take away my terrors. Ah! said I, time was when
the Lord was taking pains with me, and did lay seige with
the law against my soul, at which time I delighted in duties;
He put me in His fire and furnace, but now will He take
no more care of me; now hath He raised His siege, and
given me over : Oh miserable man that I am ! I am left
now to the judicial plague of an hard heart, which hath
seized upon me; I am to pine out the rest of my days in
vanity, sin, and trouble. And when my heart was in any
frame, this, said I, is but to make me secure that I may not
fear; it is but a delusion. Which had these sad effects
upon my soul; ist, Strange and hard thoughts of God as of
an enemy, Luke xix. 21; Gen. iii. 5, as one that envied our
good. 2dfy, I judged all that God said of His love in His
word to be but wind at best, or compliments or snares to

42 Mejuoirs of the

entrap; and so made Him a liar, i John v. 10, and by this
means was made incapable to be taken with Christ's allure-
ments in the Gospel. $dfy, Hence I could neither love nor
believe Him, nor by any means be drawn to Him, i Cor.
xiii. 7, "Charity believeth all things." For how could I
love Him in whom I believed I had no other interest than
that of a cruel judge ready to condemn, and watching for
evil against me, and that when His "words were smoother
than oil?" Psal. lv. 21; Zech. xi. 8. 4^/v, I had no will
to keep communion with Him, was wearied of Him. When
the Israelites said, "We have no portion or inheritance in
the son of Jesse," the next was, "Every man to his tents,"
and did quit Him. Jer. iii. 19, "Thou shalt call Me, My
Father, and shalt not depart from Me." ^thly^ I was heart-
less or slight in duties, whereby He was honoured, and
communion with Him entertained; wanting love and hope,
Jer. xviii. 12; Lam, i. 9; Luke xix. 21. Through unbelief
my hands were weakened, and I departed from the living
God. 6thly, Finding no satisfaction in God, which I could
not do whilst these principles remained, I behoved to have
it elsewhere in the creature. Jer. ii. 13, "Forsaking of God,
the fountain of living waters, and hewing to ourselves broken
cisterns," are joined, ithly, Sermons did me no good,
because not heard with faith, Heb. iv. 2, whereas, if I had
believed and trusted in God, I should be strengthened with
the joy of His salvation, Neh. viii. 10; Prov. xvii. 22; 2
Cor. ii. 7.

2. Step II. — Notwithstanding of all this, I had hopes,
that though as yet the Lord had not converted me, yet I
might be converted, and therefore did not despair of it.
Some secret thoughts in duties would drop in persuading
me to hope, and some relish in duties. As likewise, since
I was persuaded by a strong hand my sins were pardonable,
and that the Lord possibly might pardon ; this made me
continue in the means. Satan therefore sought to beat me
from this, or at least to make me remiss in them; and,
knowing that palpable vanities would not do (for I had

Rev. Jan its Fraser of Brea. 43

been burned with that candle already), therefore would
compass this by making me close with an appearance of
good, which He did thus : I studied stenography or short-
writing, in the study of which, aiming at perfection in it,
I was excessive, and so taken up altogether from any other
thing, that I could scarce get the form of duties gone about
two times a day. In end I resolved to give way, cheated
with this, that, the sooner I acquired knowledge herein, I
should the sooner have leisure to wait on God ; but how-
ever, this spirit of whoredom caused me to err, and took
away my heart. This was the second mean of my decay.

3. Step III. — When I was called home, through want
of godly company, and dead formal society among which I
lived, I was brought a further length of decay, even to omit
duties almost altogether ; contenting myself ordinarily with
bed-prayers, and slight reading of Scripture and godly
books. Several things had influence on this ; the want of
a convenient room, a prevailing spirit of sloth that would
not break through difficulties, some false hopes that all
would be well. Sometimes my heart would secretly despair,
and prophesy things would never be better, and it is in
vain to pray ; through these things it came to pass that
my heart turned altogether out of tune, and heeded not my
work at all. Now had preachings and sermons no relish at
all; then did I see that fulfilled, "He that followeth vain
persons shall become poor," Prov. xxviii. 19; 1 Cor. xv. 33,
"Evil company corrupteth good manners."

4. Step IV. — Then, through want of the fear of God,
and unwatchfulness, did I become vain and light in my
conversation ; I followed lies and vanities ; I carded, com-
plied with sinful customs, made no conscience of what
company I came into, "inventing to myself instruments
of music,"' and seeking contentment from the creature.
When company was away, my heart turned melancholy,
but did not turn to God. I would pray when trysted with
any disappointments ; but still, through interruption, lost
more ground than I gained, so as I went daily down the

44 Memoirs of the

stream, and grew exceeding hard-hearted. Spiritual duties
were a weariness and a burden ; and thus I was not only
discouraged and remiss in duties, slighting them altogether,
but grew very untender and carnal in my conversation.

5. Whence a fifth step, which was, going to some rela-
tions to pass a visit, where there were many professors and
much profession ; but there I got a dead stroke, so as it
is a wonder how ever I recovered ; in a word, I turned
desperate, and said, " There is no hope ; I have loved idols,
and after them I will go," Jer. ii. 25. The grounds of this
despair were, u/, A great and long account of sins that had
run up upon me, which I thought would never be pardoned,
Jer. ii. 28. 2dfy, The terrible hard frame of my heart, and
great deadness I was in, so that I thought I would never
recover again, John xi. 39; Ezek. xxxvii. 3, "Can these
bones live?" Gen. xviii. n, 12. 3^//)', Some fruitless vain
attempts I made to recover myself; my strength wasted in
vain ; and hence I said, "This evil is of the Lord, and
remediless, what should I wait on Him any more ?" 2 Kings
vi. 33. 4//2/J', The complaints, doubts, and discourage-
ments of others, and their unsuitable walking up to their
principles, who yet were eminent for godliness in the estima-
tion of others; they went with bowed down backs, and
raised an ill report to me of the Lord and his ways; and
therefore were my hands weakened by these spies, Num.
xiii. 30. $thl)\ Their unloving carriage towards me, and
keeping at a distance, and taunting me. At another time,
seeking to join in with them, and to bear the burden of a
good discourse lest it should die, I was put off with a taunt.
It is true, my conversation at that time was not Gospel-like ;
yet they had beams in their own eyes, and they should have
dealt in greater meekness with me, and kythed love by a
friendly reprehension. This turned me averse to them, and
to their way. Ezek. xxxiv. 21, They pushed with horn and
side, and this produced scattering. 6thfy, I was but too
much countenanced by others, and humoured and complied
with ; for I was given to foolish jesting, and they took but

Rev, James Fraser of Brea. 45

too much pleasure in this, and never once gave me a
friendly warning or reproof, although my ways were dis-
pleasing to them: "The soul that lacketh instruction shall
die." ithly, Satan was beating in strange tentations on my
soul, sometimes telling me I was judicially hardened since
I could not mourn for my sins, and that it was ever so since
my terrors were removed. And then that place, Isa. vi. 10,
came to my mind, " Make the heart of this people fat."
Sometimes thinking my time was past, and my day gone,
and that Christ had given His last knock, and that the door
was shut. That place, Prov. i. 26, troubled me, "Because
I called, and ye would not hear, therefore shall ye call, and
I will not hear;" therefore, it is in vain now to cry or pray.
Sometimes Satan said I had sinned the sin against the Holy
Ghost, citing Heb. vi. 4. For it is true (was it suggested to
me) thy blasphemies were not that sin, because thou didst
that in unbelief, and not enlightened; but now thou hast
been enlightened, and tasted of the powers of the world to
come, and hast fallen away, and laid a new foundation from
thy dead works for repentance, and therefore it is impossible
to be renewed again; and this is the sin against the Holy
Ghost. This raised not that terror in me which tentations
of this kind were wont to do formerly; only made me heart-
less and discouraged me. And then would Satan add,
Dost thou not mark how unmoved thou art with this heavy
message, wThich would cause any other to tremble but
thyself? And why art thou not shaken? Because the
Lord has hardened thee like Pharaoh, that thou canst not
hearken; the sentence is past, and the stone is laid upon
thy grave; and now all thy life is gone, thou art twice dead,
and plucked up by the roots. With these thoughts I was
dung from duties and their cheerful exercise; with pleasures,
company, and want of inward and outward exercise, I was
kept in my security and strong bonds.

6. My sins were, 1.9/, Slighting and omitting of duties,
public and private. 2dfy, Vain and light conversation like
the world; the show of my countenance witnessed against

46 Memoirs of the

me. ^dly, Idle jesting, Eph. v. 4. \thly, Breaking of the
Sabbath with idleness and mine own words. $thly^ Follow-
ing of the lusts of the flesh, and divers vanities. 6////r,
Sensuality. 7////1', Doing no good, neither glorifying God,
nor edifying others, nor profiting myself. 8//i/y, Haunting
vain company, and not reproving them. 9*hly, Sinful
customs and recreations, though debated by some; such as
healthing and playing at cards.

7. Notwithstanding of this, the Lord upheld me by His
right hand, and kept in the dying spunk, that all these
waters could not quite extinguish it; I fell not totally away,
nor was I utterly forsaken of God, Jer. v. 5. For these
things remained; 1st, I was put out to pray, meditate, and
read now and then; I was not dung altogether from duties;
I did not show myself to have no knowledge at all, in not
calling on God, Psal. xiv. 4. 2dly, There remained a secret
and quiet hope things would be well, and a looking up to
Him; though cast down, yet not in despair, 2 Cor. iv. 8.
$d/y, Love and affection to, and estimation of, the people
of God, and delight in them, still remained, so as even then
I loved them above others, tfhly, Dissatisfiedness with my
present condition, groaning under and mourning when I
remembered the days of old; this course was not pleasant,
I was like a bone out of joint, these matters were not my
element. $thl)\ Some love to my first husband remained,
and a preferring of the first course and life, even in its
worst, before this, even as one prefers the day to the night;
and often would I say that word, with Job, "O that it were
with me as in months past, when the candle of the Lord
shined upon my head!" Job xxix. 2, 3, 4. 6////r, I knew
that it was ill with me; though I slept, yet I was not so
dead as to be without sense or knowledge altogether.

8. God's ends in this, for anything I can learn, were only
to give further proof of His love, in renewing His kindness,
in sparing me whilst in this condition, in preserving me
from turning apostate, and, in His time, graciously reviving
me again with much pains and long labour. 2dl\\ To keep

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 47

me watchful in time coming, lest a worse thing befall me.
Srfty) And to let me find the power of sin, and of my original
corruption, more fully, 2 Chron. xxxii. 31. \thly, To keep
me humble for ever after it, that I may not open the mouth,
Ezek. xvi. 63.

9. These things had influence on my decay, mainly ; isf,
Want of outward and inward afflictions. I had no changes,
therefore feared not God, Psal. lv. 19. The spurs were out
of my side, terrors were away which drave me to duty. 2dly,
In respect of the decay of that inward sweetness which
accompanied duty formerly, God, having brought me out
of Egypt into the wilderness, had withdrawn that ; and,
wanting these by-fleeces, I fell in my walk ; " For this
Moses, we know not what is become of him," Exod. xxxii. 1.
$dly, Through process of time the spirits wearied, and the
impressions of things did wear away ; and, being wearied, I
desired sleep : "They rejoiced in His light for a season,"
John v. 35 ; and, as the Galatians, did run well at the break.
<\thh\ Many tentations from within and from without, which
the Lord kept up before. Now the Lord let out my original
corruption, and I found nothing but a dead hard heart from
within and discouragement from without, and this made
the way more hard. 5//2/V, The powerful means were re-
moved ; the good company and powerful sermons were
gone which did feed me. 6thly, Godless company, that
had no grace, with which I was trysted, that did eat out
all religion out of me. 7 My, The formal, carnal, and life-
less conversation of some (much cried up) professors, made
me even despair as it were. Zthly, Too eagerly following
of lawful comforts, and employments, and studies, ^thly,
Growing remiss in the exercise of duties, especially of
private prayer and meditation, lof/i/y, Not looking to ills
in the beginning, but letting them run on ; not heeding
things, or considering my ways, but sleeping; and therefore
became my garden overspread with thorns, wthly, Want
of knowledge and principles, whereby I became over credu-
lous, and believed every thing that was suggested, \ithly,

48 Memoirs of the

Unbelief and discouragements, whereby I concluded all lost
and desperate, and God a hard master, and that I was not
yet converted: an evil heart of unbelief in departing from
God, Heb. iii. 12. i^My, Taken up with lesser matters,
and not exercised with weighty truths and duties ; taken up
with trials of grace, and not exercised with common prin-
ciples. \\thly, Living by sense, and not by faith.

10. I observe these things from this decay of mine : 1st,
It is ordinary, and an evil to be watched against, to fall
away from that measure saints receive at their first conver-
sion, Rev. ii. 4, 5, "Thou hast fallen from thy first love."
Tentations come, and God withdraws His strength and
comfort; and in process of time the spirits weary, and this
breeds fainting. 2d/y, Saints fall not away totally ; some-
thing still remaineth, 1 John iii. 9, "His seed remaineth in
him ;" Cant. v. 2, " My heart waketh." ^d/y, Whatever the
decay of saints be, yet the Lord ordinarily recovers them
out of it again; "Though they fall, they shall arise," Micah
vii. 8. The slumbering virgins were at last awakened, Mat.
xxv. 5, 7. 4th/y, Unbelief, especially in passing hard sen-
tences on our own estate, and doubting of our sonship, the
first and greatest cause of apostacy, Heb. iii. 1 2 ; therefore,
Satan tempted Christ with this first : " If Thou be the Son •
of God." Jer ii. 25, "There is no hope, we have loved
idols." ^My, A Christian thrives as he keeps up corre-
spondence with God in private duties, especially secret
prayer. Mat. xxvi. 41, "Pray, lest ye enter into tempta-
tion ;" Exod. xvii. n. 6thly, A backslider ordinarily goeth
a great length ere he recover, Jer. ii. 5, "They have deeply
revolted, they have gone far from me." 7 My, Saints are
drawn from God by appearances of good, by seeming temp-
tations ; they are beguiled in the use of lawful comforts.
We should watch much against this; "a tree to be desired
to make one wise." Sthfy, Backsliding and spiritual apos-
tacy comes by degrees ; he falls not all at once. Mat. xxv.
The virgins first slumbered, then slept ; hence it is called
backsliding : a man quietly slides from God. gth/y, No

Rev. James Fraser of 13 re a. 49

means can reclaim a backsliding soul, nor make the ebbing
soul flow, till the Lord's hour come. It is a stroke of
Omnipotence that makes the fever turn ; no physician can
stop the issue. Hos. xiv. 4, It is God that healeth back-
slidings. io////r, A man may contract in a way of back-
sliding such evils very quickly, that he will not for a long
time get quite rid of. Sins and decays are very hard to
cure, wthly, Persons are ordinarily very secure, and quiet
and sleeping, in a decaying condition ; they sleep while the
Son of man is betrayed to sinners. i2////r, Sense and affec-
tions, without knowledge, do expose a soul to many evils,
and make their case very uncertain and unstable. Children
in understanding, 1 Cor. xiv. 20, are "tossed to and fro
with every wind of doctrine,'' Eph. iv. 14. \^thlyy A fiery
temptation may be suspended and calmed ; but, until it be
cured by the Word, it will return again. All the time of
this decay, my temptation of sinning the sin against the
Holy Ghost did never recur, in respect it was once cured
by the Word. 14^/1/}', 111 company, and peace in the world,
are ill attendants of a backslider, Pro v. i. 32, "The pros-
perity of fools destroys them." Oh it is sad when carnal
company and a soul departing from God tryst together !
*uWoe to him that is alone," Eccl. iv. 10. \$thly, A carnal
generation of professors is greatly abominable to the Lord,
and great plagues in the earth, especially to young beginners.
Oh for the garments of praise ! They raise an evil report ;
and ordinarily carnality and discouragement go together.

CHAR V.

OF MY RECOVERY.

SECTION I.

Of the first several Steps, and ma?mer thereof.

THE Lord did not raise me all at once out of my
backslidden condition, nor without interruption (as
might be thought), but very leisurely, and through many ups
and downs. The seed was sown, and it grew; and I ate
and drank, and knewr not how. The spring was small in
the beginning, scarce discernible. I looked, indeed for the
kingdom of heaven to come with observation, but it came
not so ; and as it was sown with little din and noise, so did
it grow up quietly, and had many interruptions and winters,
going backward and forward \ like the filling sea, some wave
gained ground, and some succeeding lost and abated, but a
new overflowing regained all again. There would come a
wave of the Spirit that would overflow largely, but after that
a little ebb ; and then, when I little expected, there would
come a wave that would set me as far forward as ever again :
and then a little decay, and then a recovery, so as for a long
time I was tossed up and down like a locust, wearied of
myself, and of my life, and righteousness, and enlargements
of heart, and of all these glories. I was after humiliation
of heart, by a strong yet quiet hand, at the command of
God, with little din made to believe and rest on Christ, so
as I had never done the same before; and in process of

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 5 1

time to become assured, and so come to see myself in a
good estate, and to have come off my way, and the Lord to
have almost perfected His work, ere I had thought He had
well begun. Nor all this time did I know what the Lord
was doing until of late ; but thinking I was minting to enter
in at the strait gate, and "ever learning, and never able to
attain to the knowledge of the truth." i\nd now I see that
all this time the Lord carried me as an eagle doth her
young ones, Duet, xxxii. 10, 11, 12. And when the Lord
was leaving, and His work going back in mine eyes, yet was
it going forward. The way and steps of this my recovery
were :

1. Step I. — After I had long departed from God, and
so gone far away, the Lord made me unsatisfied with and
weary of my present condition; and even in this laughing
madness was my heart sorrowful. And when in midst of
my jollity, if at any time I would think on my former estate,
I would say, Oh what a sad condition am I in now ! Oh
the days of old ! " Oh that it were with me as in months
past !" Oh that I were under Christ's terrors again ! His
glooms and boasts were better than this at best, Hos. ii.
7, "better when with the first husband." I remembered
whence I had fallen, aud this dung out the bottom of my
carnal contentments.

2. Step II. — -I had thoughts to return to my first hus-
band, but was beaten from this with the apprehensions that
it was not time; and hence it became a great case to me,
whether the Lord may assault a soul with a spirit of convic-
tion, and leave it, and come again? Rutherford had a
terrible word, which haunted me like a ghost, viz., "A man
is saved in the nick of conversion, or else eternally, lost."
Sometimes I thought I was judicially hardened, and my
time gone; but the Lord did take the thorn away, and
made me hope, by casting a book in my hand which did
write of compunction; and he states the case, viz., "Whether
a man once under convictions, and these dying without fruit,
can be again converted?" He determined it affirmatively,

52 Memoirs of the

with such reasons as then convinced me, so as I resolved to
set up shop again, and try it, Ezra x. 2, 3, though I found
therein a great difficulty.

3. Step III. — Was the setting about the means, with
prayer, reading, and meditation. I rested not in bare fruit-
less wishings and hopes, but I was helped to set myself to
seek the Lord, and set up shop again, though with some
difficulty ; the irons were rusted. I continued praying
morning and evening for some time, and meditating, and
preparing my heart, notwithstanding all my discourage-
ments, and indispositions, and little success ; for my heart
continued hard, dead, and blind, and conversation carnal,
and duties were a burden to me.

4. Step IV. — Having for some twenty days prayed,
mourned, and complained, and not finding any life, but
my deadness increasing, and hearing no word of Christ,
I began to have suspicions that sentence was indeed past
against me, and that I was sealed under the plague of an
hard heart, and that Christ had given over; and was
tempted to cast aside duties as vain. And then I said,
Oh poor soul ! thou wilt never get so much as a tender
heart again, nor so much as once to pour out this thy soul
to God ere thou die. While I was thus exercised, the Lord
was pleased to let me again taste some of the sweetness of
duties ; for one time I went in the multitude of my thoughts
to the Lord in prayer, and it pleased the Spirit to blow,
and to open my heart, so as I prayed with abundance of
tears and great liberty and I found much sweetness in the
work. Now, although I was not satisfied with this, yet I
was comforted, in that it was a proof to me that the Lord
had not quite forsaken me, and that after this there would
come better.

5. Step V. — I began then to fall more closely to work,
and to put other sails on, and more irons in the fire;
for then did I write diaries, make vows and covenants,
and to fall to the work of self-examination, and to write
some infant notions of practical divinity, and my medita-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 53

tions on several texts, which did me good, and at first helped
me forward, and suited me well.

6. Step VI. — The Lord by duties wearied me with them,
and mortified me to my self-righteousness, and did with
labour bring down my heart. 1st, He discovered unto me
and let me feel the evil and power of my heart. Then did
I groan under the burden of a dead, blind, and carnal
heart, and the body of death was my great exercise, and
heart-ills, especially hardness of heart. And thus more
sensibly than ever I was wearied and burdened with my
heart, though not in horror. 2dly, The Lord let me see
the sinfulness of all my duties and best actions; the
formality, lifelessness, and corrupt principles whence they
proceeded, and my great shortcomings, so as I knew these
were not my Saviours, and turned mine eyes from them.
3*//}', I was wearied and loadened with myself, my sins, and
duties, trailed through various dispensations, and burdened
with feckless labour. I saw I could not put my heart in a
frame, nor keep my heart in a frame when it was in it, but
still did break my resolutions. My duties, they yielded
neither peace nor satisfaction, nor did they mortify sin;
for I was but rowing against the stream, and after a long
time worse in my own conceit than before. I was dying
sometimes, and living again ; when like to die, the Lord
would look upon me, and put it in my heart to seek Him,
and would send down influences, and enlarge my soul with
love and desires after Himself, and sorrow for sin, and new
resolutions ; and this would quicken me for a while, and
make me hope and seek the Lord. And then again the
Lord would depart, and my soul would be overclouded,
and I would turn un watchful, and fall to my ordinary sins,
and depart from the Lord, and sin in words. And with
this I was vexed, because my resolutions were broken ; and
I was discouraged, and despaired ever to come up; and
was weakened, thinking, how shall I look the Lord in the
face ? What security can I now give Him for my behaviour ?
Until at last that no frame or duty could give me comfort

54 Memoirs of the

at all. And, when my heart was enlarged, I said, I have
enough of delusions, let me alone. Yet, whilst thus dis-
couraged, not knowing what to do, and unable to think of
what might do me good, God would shine in upon my
soul ; and among a hundred visits of this kind He gave
me, and by which He many times restored my dying-out
heart to life, He was pleased still to come out and create
a new thing, some new ground, and the floods would still
increase. How often have I said, Now, sure the Lord will
come, and will not tarry ; now I shall keep fast what I have.
But I was deceived; "All flesh is grass, and the glory
thereof with ere th." I have said sometimes in my extremity,
Now, what is it that can quicken me? Surely I can never
recover out of this, though God should open windows in
heaven. Then would the Lord show His power and con-
descendence, and would quicken me and put away my
fears, and make me look cheerful, and cause me to put
on new resolutions. In a word, I was thus wearied and
burdened in a wilderness for the space of three full years,
and poured from vessel to vessel.

7. Step VII. — When all failed, and that I was at the
point of dying, the Lord would send some extraordinary
thing, some fit word, some good book, that would quicken
me and strengthen me sometimes to spend half nights in
prayer. Sometimes, meeting with other Christians, the
Lord would rain some seasonable word ; and nothing did
me more good than stories relating to God's dealings with
others. Likewise, being in the South, the Lord trysted
me with a powerful New Testament ministry, which did
keep in my dying life, and greatly encouraged me; many
a time was my swooning life revived, and I brought from
the gates of death. Yet these waterings insensibly sanctified
me more and more both in heart and conversation, and
made heavenly things relish with my soul; and by them I
was made more capable to receive the Lord, and my eyes
therewith kept waking. And this I look upon as my wilder,
ness condition.

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 55

8. Step VIII. — The Lord having fully wearied me with
my sins, heart, duties and enlargements, and poured me
from vessel to vessel : and looking for help in and from
another, he did next humble me. For after all this there
remained a pride of heart, which kythed not in the estima-
tion I had of my self-righteousness, but in the frowardness
of my will, which would not submit to such searchings, but
secretly fretted and murmured, like these, Prow xix. 3. I
thought God made it all His work to cross me, and hence
was disquieted with falls, and not kindly humbled; and
withal, some murmuring at the Lord's delays. For one day
reading on the Sabbath afternoon on Shepherd's " Sound
Believer," after I had come very unprofitably from sermon,
and withal discouraged, being August 1660; the place I
read on was of the nature of humiliation, and how the Lord
works it in His elect (by convincing the soul of the equity
of God's proceeding with it, and thereby the soul is made
quietly and willingly to bear what the Lord pleaseth to
determine anent it, without repining or murmuring), in
reading of which, and of His motives and reasons of sub-
mission, the Lord opened my eyes, and bowed my heart,
so as I saw his equity in His dealing towards me, and com-
plied in my will and affections to His dealings, submitting
myself to Him without quarrelling or murmuring, in another
way and manner than ever I did before, imo, I saw clearly
and rationally the Lord's equity, and absolute dominion He
hath over all, to do with them as He pleaseth ; and that He
did nothing with me but what was fitting, Lam. i. 18 ; Dan.
ix. 7 ; Jer. xii. 1. The murmurings and swellings of my
heart were quieted and calmed ; I was no more like the
raging sea, but in a calm and quiet frame, like one newly
cooled out of a raging fever, Lam. iii. 28 ; Lev. x. 3 ; Psal.
xxxix. 9. I disputed now no more against God or His
proceedings. 2do, My heart, even my affections, were made
to comply with my present dispensations ; I did willingly
bear the yoke, Mich. vii. 9 ; Lam. iii. 28 ; so that I was
satisfied with whatever came to pass; "It is the Lord," etc.

56 Memoirs of the

3tio, I did put myself in His will, to do to me as it seemed
good ; so as, if He put me in hell, I should not murmur
nor complain of injustice, 2 Sam. xv. 26. This was wrought
in a low measure, and did proceed more from the sense of
God's sovereignty than of His justice, and was rather nega-
tive in not murmuring, than positive in a hearty compliance
with evils. And thus was the frame and work of humilia-
tion wrought in me ; and I continued herein for a month,
suffering every thing, and doing what the Lord required.

9. Step IX. — After I was in this low measure humbled,
I proceeded another step, even to resign myself to the Lord.
It was occasioned by reading a sermon of Mr Andrew
Gray's, on these words, " My son give Me thy heart." I
was made to comply with that command, so as, though I
could not say I was quite conquered by the love of Christ
so fully to give up myself, yet through sense of want and
misery, and some old love to Christ, and withal hoping it
might be a mean to do me good, and willing to comply
with a command, I did legally and affectionately dispone
my heart to Christ. "O Lord," said I, "though I cannot
command this evil heart to love Thee, nor myself to serve
Thee; yet, if I have power or right of it, I here legally
renounce that right in Thy favours, and by these presents
make over myself to Thee, and all that is within me. Now,
Lord, take me at my word, and take advantage of this to
claim me as Thine own ; accept the real motions of my will.
Oh that Christ would now look on me as His, and pretend
right to me, and make use of this right !" In the strength
of this I walked for some time, though it did not always
satisfy. For I could not believe that though I was sincere
and affectionate in this, that ever my disposition could give
Christ a right to me, unless He likewise did accept it.
"Lord, Thou offerest Thyself to me (said I), and I cannot
take Thee ; Lord, I likewise offer myself to Thee, Thou
mayest take me, but wilt not. Oh ! others take advantage
of my bargains ; Oh that Christ would do so, and challenge
a claim and right to me ! Lord, Thou sayest Thou art

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 57

willing to do me good ; Lord, I offer myself to Thee to do
with me what Thou wilt; only let me not be guided by
myself." Here came I, and I did stick and wrestle for
some time striving to come forth. This was in July, and I
continued till the latter end of August thus.

SECTION II.

Relating some things touching my humiliation and
wilderness condition.

1. The frame and exercise of my heart while in this con-
dition was, 17/10, I found great deadness and hardness of
heart; and this I mourned under, as my greatest evil. I
now thought I could never win to be so sensible of my con-
dition as I ought to be, and in my heart I desired a law-
work again. 2do, I was in great blindness and distance
with Christ, and therefore much lamented my ignorance of
Him ; and therefore was unsatisfied with my greatest attain-
ments, in respect I saw not Himself; or, if I did, it was very
darkly. $tio, I wanted assurance, and was in the dark as to
my interest, and rather was inclined to think myself not
converted than converted, and was seeking and hoping for
something ; and any thing I met wTith made me rejoice, as it
was an evidence of some good to come to me, rather than as
it was a token of any good already gotten. I had no found-
ations settled. 4/0, I was inconstant ; my goodness was as
the morning dew, so as my great complaints were, that my
heart would not retain or keep the divine impressions that
were on it now and then, Hos vi. 4. 5/0, I was full of
unbelief, constructing hardly of God and of His ways, and
of myself; which unbelief, though as yet I saw it not as a
sin, yet did me much evil. I thought ill that I was delivered
from my terrors, Exod. xvii. 3. 6to, I was tormented with
this, that I met not with that sweetness and fellowship in
ordinances as I desired, but barren for the most part to
my soul ; not being thankful for the day of small things,

58 Memoirs of the

such as quickening, healing encouragement, and comfort;
and not humbled for wants when nothing was spoken to
me. jmo, There was security and un watchfulness, whereby
my heart was ready to grow careless, by which I con-
tinually fell to some sins of conversation, which did break
my peace.

2. I ordinarily then slipped in these sins, which did
break my peace: 1 mo, Departing from God in heart, in
turning secure and careless, and suffering my heart, to go out
of all tune, through not walking as in the sight of God.
2do, Sensuality in the immoderate use of comforts, being
naturally given to appetite. $tio, Idle, vain words, and vain
conversation. \to, Unprofitable spending of time, and not
improving opportunities and occasions of good, letting my
generation-work lie by. 5/0, Carnality in all my actions,
civil and Religious, not doing things spiritually. 6to, Sloth
in going about the means ; beside the inward evils of pride,
murmuring, and unbelief, and want of love and fear.

3. But as the Lord showed kindness to His people in
the wilderness, notwithstanding all their provocations, so
did He to me : and I observed His love during this time
in several particulars; imo, When I was in hazard to sleep
the sleep of death, and to depart from the Lord through
my discouragements and plagues of heart, evil and carnal
company; what mercy was it, to clear me from my dis-
couragements, to take me to the wilderness from the crowd
of the world, and against the stream of indispositions, sloth,
and discouragements ; to persuade and make me return and
seek the Lord in the use of all means, " if so be there might
be hope," when I had no mind of it, nor heart to it ? How
did he convince me that my time was not yet gone ; that
when I was departed, and like to fall, nay, far gone in a
consumption of which I would have died, that I should be
prevented and healed, and that He should renew His kind-
ness, and would not let me depart for ever, but stirred me
up to seek the Lord? He " found me in a howling wilder-
ness," ready to perish, gasping out my last, Duet, xxxii. 10.

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 59

There had I perished for ever ; but the Lord made a second
voyage for me, He "came to seek and to save that which
was lost." 2dfo, What love and mercy was in this, that when
through sense of deadness, spiritual wilderness-wants, fierce
tentations, and great darkness, I was ready to go back unto
Egypt, or to faint in the way, that He should have given me
water out of the rock, and should by visitations have up-
holden my spirit, and by these encouraged me, and kept in
my dying life, training me on piece and piece? ^fio, But Oh!
what shall I think of His continued mercy, His being ever
with me ? Though I was wild, weak, and unworthy, and
sinful, and ever destroying myself; yet all my steps were
guided by Him, He was ever with me, pitying me, ever
sparing me, ever relieving in my extremity, and preventing
my utter ruin ; so that all this time He was with me in love,
long-suffering, pity, and goodness, when I could not shift
for myself at all. How long did I "stay in the place of the
breaking forth of children,'1 and was no way profitable to
Him at all, doing no good in the world, and through un-
belief constructing all to the worst ? Yet was He still with
me, and never left me until He had brought me unto a
" Rock higher than I." Oh what unwearied pains and cost
was He at ! Oh shall I ever forget His condescendency !
I thought ill that mine evils came through mine own default.
For though I should turn dead and God had left me, if I
had then been on my watch-tower I would not care ; but
the Lord would have my restoration of free grace from
Himself. Readily then I would say, it was my waiting, and
watching, and diligence, that did recover me ; Oh not ! but
when sinful, when asleep, when given over, He would come,
that it might appear, " not for your sakes do I this, but for
My name's sake."' There was not only wisdom, power, and
pity, but likewise a coming over my sins, and great mercy ;
and now I think it no worse, and no less comfortable, that
my mercies had His name engraven on them, even His
grace, though there be no such ground for boasting. I was
indeed the bush burning, and not consumed, Lord, "What

60 Memoirs of the

is man, that Thou lookest on him, and visitest him every
morning?'' Job vii. 17, 18.

4. I remember, when I came to Edinburgh first, and not
having room to pray, and likewise overcome with discourage-
ments, not seeing an end of my labours, I began to faint
and weary ; and the Lord let me alone for a while, and I
grew worse and worse. Until one Sabbath-day I went to
hear an able minister, and much cried up ; but there was
such a throng that I could not get him heard, nor to any
other church in the town ; only I stumbled at last in the
English church which was then in the town, with no great
hope to get any good. The minister preached on these
words, "A bruised reed will He not break." What shall I
say ? The Lord assisted him with such power, and he spoke
so seasonably to me, that I was again revived and set in the
way, and resolved to hold on till I should find the Lord ;
yea, it was then that I had some thoughts that I was con-
verted, and some of my ordinary objections were answered.

5. I began again to faint and depart, because I thought
never one was in my condition. And, being in a conference
with a godly man, he told me the history of his conversion,
and what brave days he had seen, and how that nothing
now was but deadness, carnality and unbelief. This had
such influence, that again my heart was lifted up in the ways
of the Lord, and that I was not singular, but my case was
common, and therefore resolved to seek the Lord. And at
the same time I got in my hands a piece of Mr Shepherd's
I had never seen before, which the Lord blessing, after some
consideration I resolved once more to assault the city, and
to beseech God more earnestly than ever I had done before,
which I was helped in some measure to do, and found the
profit of it.

6. A while after, fainting and giving over, I read on Mr
Shepherd's "Sound Believer" concerning soul humiliation,
where he speaks to this purpose : " One way by which the
Lord Jesus (saith he) in the day of His power doth humble
a poor sinner is, by letting him see the wildness of his own

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 61

heart and duties ; whereby the soul thinks, can these that
are so wild save me? And then (saith he) the soul thinks,
though for the present I be not well, yet hopes it shall do
better in process of time, and thereupon falls to afresh ; but
Christ loads and wearies the soul with duties ; and, after all
its labour, the soul findeth itself worse than before. And
here again the soul falleth down, finding itself to row against
both wind and tide." Well (quoth I), this is like me, and
this is it which God is doing with me. But, alas ! my heart
is hard, and I never felt conviction and compunction yet ;
how can I be come to humiliation then ? Well, I read
further, until he brings the humbled soul to speak thus :
" Oh miserable wretch that I am ! never worse than now.
Once I could mourn, and pray, and sorrow, and never well
but when out of one duty into another ; but now a dead,
blind, hard heart seizeth upon me, so as I can get nothing
done." Here I stopt, and said, Then blessed be the Lord,
that hath not let me alone, but given me so much light as
to discern my way, and where I am. And is God indeed
humbling me, and preparing me for Christ? I see that
God hath left me to my deadness, that the sense thereof
might draw me to Christ; for, as the same author saith,
" More are drawn to Christ under the sense of a dead, blind
heart, than by all sorrows, humiliations, and terrors." I
trust God, that hath begun the work, will finish it. I was
wonderfully strengthened by this ; it is good to be in God's
hands, howsoever matters be. With these and the like was
my spirit kept up in this wilderness.

7. I have been searching unto the Lord's ends in this
to me, and am never more satisfied than when I conclude
them to be: — imo, That I might know all the evil in my
heart, my weakness and sinfulness, that thereby I might be
humbled, who have so often departed, and whose whole life
was a grieving of God, Duet. viii. 2 ; Chron. xxxii. 31 ; John
ii. 25. 2do, That I might thereby be made acquaint with
the methods and way of conversion, with which, through my
hasty incoming, I was not so well acquaint. God did now,

62 Memoirs of the

as it were, act over again conversion ; He convinced me, not
only of actual sins, but of heart-sins and heart-plagues, and
of that fountain-sin of nature which continually departed
from God, and fiercely resisted Him in all His ways ; He
convinced me that I could not help myself, and that neither
prayers nor means could help me ; that I could neither buy
nor conquer heaven. He wearied me with duties and en-
largements, and in the greatness of my way, and loaded me
with the multitude of my counsels and inventions. At last
He humbled me, and calmed me, and made me believe.
So that I think the Lord designed to acquaint me with the
method of conversion, that I might be the more enabled to
edify others, Acts v. 32, being myself a witness, and not
heard it only, but also felt and seen, that I might speak to
this purpose, 1 John i. 1; Psal. xxxiv. 4, 6, 11. " Not
ignorant of His devices," 2 Cor. ii. n. $tio, That God
might do me much good in the end, of which I had promise
given me, and rationably and seasonably borne in upon my
spirit, from Duet. viii. 16, in one of my dolorous hours,
Heb. xii. 1 1 ; Jer. xxv. 4. I indeed expect much good from
all this preparation and hard beginning. 4/0, I look upon
this as the only way to preserve me from backsliding. By
these means, and by erupting me from vessel to vessel, came
it to pass that mine eyes were kept waking, and from
settling on my lees ; for I might perceive by Scripture, and
sad experience, that many were full of their own enlarge-
ments and graces, and so fixed as they thought they had no
more ado, and, therefore, like that rich man, Luke xii., said,
" Soul take thy rest, thou hast enough for many days."
The foolish virgins thought their great business was done ;
by which means being, as they supposed, past all danger,
they slumbered and slept, and through sloth lost all ; and,
being settled on their lees, lost all, and backslided and
apostatised miserably, and lost all life. But the Lord kept
mine eyes waking, and gave me still my hands full ado ;
and, when I would seek rest, the Lord, by a new storm,
would awaken me again ; when discouraged through fears,

Rev. fames Fraser, of Brea. 63

temptations, desertions, and sins, and so like to give over
because no hope, then would the Lord revive ; and when I
would say, " It is good to be here, let us make tabernacles,"
then a cloud would come ; so as, by lifting up, and casting
down, I was daily kept in exercise, depending, praying, and
fighting, Judges iii. 1; Psal. lxxiii. 3, 4, 5, 14; Jer. xlviii.
11 ; Psal. lv. 19; Job vii. 18. 5/0, To manifest to me, and
to give me experience of His love, condescendency, and
constancy, who in all my ways was with me, and that has
never left me until He had His work wrought in me, that
preserved me in this great wilderness, that did bear with my
manners there, that supplied me continually in my extremi-
ties, Duet. viii. 5. 6to, To beat me out of my self-righteous-
ness, worthiness, and sense, that thereby I might be fastened
on the " Rock higher than I," that finding no rest for the
sole of my foot by duties and enlargements, but they decay-
ing under me, I might seek rest where it might be found,
Mat. xi. 28, that, these sandy foundations being razed, I
might build on that which will endure for ever, and thereby
stand out all storms ; for these good moods I was in could
not comfort me or uphold me when my conscience was
distressed, nor yet could they maintain themselves, but still
decayed. And, therefore, this not being my rest, I was to
seek it another way, Jer. 1. 6, and that I might know man's
life is not upholden by means as by the Lord, in or without
them : " Man liveth not by bread alone, but by every word
that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." For this is
natural to us, to depend upon what our eyes see, and not to
look to Him who is invisible, who indeed is "all in all."
Now, the insufficiency of duties and self-righteousness did
appear by these things : 1^/, I never had full peace by them
in their best, nor could they answer all accusations ; some
bone was still sticking. 2dly\ They could not give full satis-
faction nor contentment ; something was wanting; they were
bread which satisfied not. $dly, The roots of sin did not
appear to be taken away, and there was but little advantage
gotten against corruption, it appeared still in its strength ;

64 Memoirs of the

and but very indiscernible growth in grace, \thly, It could
not hold out in temptations ; but whenever there came a
storm, I was dung on my back, giving all hopes over. 5////1',
When deadness came, there was no substance in what I met
with to quicken me, as I now find in the promises, and
flesh and blood of Jesus Christ. 6thfy, They could not last,
but perished when I was revived ; and, therefore, finding
this and that I but spent my strength in vain for "bread
that profiteth not,'" I was made dead to them, and had no
comfort in them or from them, but in so far as they were
appearances of Christ's coming, and did prognosticate that
He was not far away ; and therefore looked up for that bread
which endureth for ever. Surely this is not my rest ; I
wanted security, satisfaction, and strength in all these things.
The sixth end was, To break my pride and stubbornness,
which did not kyth so much in good thoughts of myself
(for I saw I was empty), but in this, in liking to save myself
by my own strength, and means, and way. For when I was
beat out of all this, I thought that if I would wait, and not
depart wickedly from God, I should herein have peace; and,
upon this, projected to myself certain rules by which to walk.
This I put no question to do and keep, and was confident
enough, and would have no other way but this, because
this was my own choosing, and that with a secret end of
exalting myself, and getting a name before God of a righteous
person. But God seeing me, "set my heart as the heart of
God," Ezek. xxviii. 2, and abhorring the pride thereof, did
resist me continually; and what by desertions, what by
temptations, did so order it, as I was unable to keep my
resolutions, His counsel standing, and my resolutions fall-
ing; and, "in the thing wherein I dealt proudly, He was
above me." I fell many times, nay, almost every time,
through unwatchfulness ; and this made me murmur and
grieve more that my purposes were broken, and the build-
ing I had framed, like the spider's web, hurled down, than
that God was dishonoured. Prov. xix. 3, My foolishness
perverted my way, and my heart fretted against the Lord,

Rev. Jan its Fraser of Brea, 65

and likewise fretted that, the case being so, He should
punish. I gave no glory to God, who had "power over
these plagues," Rev. xvi. 9. And, notwithstanding I fell,
yet, like Tyrus, I would say, " I was God," to Him before
whom I fell, Ezek. xxviii. 2, and would ever be trying to
establish my own righteousness, not acknowledging mine
own insufficiency, nor acknowledging that it is God that
doth what He wills, and that none saith and it cometh to
pass but God. And God by His providences did prove
this, and made me like an ox eat grass ; yet would I not be
convinced that the Most High ruleth, and it is yet a part of
my exercise to get quit of this spirit, Ezek. xxviii. 6, 9 ; Dan.
iv. 25, 27 ; Exod. xviii. n. And therefore it came to pass
that the Lord did constantly crush me in my will and resolu-
tions. And, when He was pleased to show mercy, it was
neither in the time, way, or manner when I either resolved
to have it, or expected, or desired ; and all this to let me
know that the Most High directeth the ways of man, and
that grace is a man's best charter, and to bow and break
this will to submit to God in all dispensations, and to be
carried to my journey's end what way soever He pleased,
though through mire and dirt, Ezek. xx. 32, "That which
cometh in your thoughts shall not at all be."

8. From which I observe this : imo, That folk may contract
by backsliding what they will not in a very long time recover
again, and the dregs of it may remain after they are, indeed,
begun to return to the Lord; it is not easy to twin with sin.
Josh. xxii. 17. The iniquity of Baal-peor, though long since
contracted, and much cost wared on it, yet [is] not purged
away until this day. The security and indispositions I then
contracted, I am not free from yet. 2do, A man's whole
life is but a conversion ; and the Lord, after every kind of
backsliding, draws after the same way as at the first conver-
sion, yea, and deals so with them as they may seem never
to have been converted before, Mat. xviii. 3. Yea, I found
a more distinct preparatory work after my first drawing than
ever before. For the Lord did things in a clap at first, and

5

66 Memoirs of the

in a very little time did let me see that I was undone, that
I was not converted, nor could convert myself; and the
insufficiency of duties, and an unconverted condition, with
God's wrath, had some impressions on my spirit. And then
the Lord revealed Christ unto me, on whom I believed, and
with whom I closed. But now the Lord did draw me very
clearly, and did insist in every step so, as that all the know-
ledge I have of the work of preparations, I have it from
what I met with after I knew Christ, more than from what
I met with at first. $tio, The strongest, last, and bitterest
enemy the Lord hath, and which He abhorreth most, is
spiritual pride; against this He setteth Himself mainly; I
mean, the vain-glorious confidence folk have in their own
strength, and to be saved by their own righteousness, and
to have their own wills fulfilled. It is hard to get our high
conceits down, and it is hard to get the will broken to be
submissive to the Lord's will in all dispensations, and it is
hard to get folk to glorify God, and make use of His
righteousness, Ezek. xxviii. 9; Prov. xix. 3. It is easy to
let a man see he is not converted, that he cannot save
himself; but it is hard persuading him that he can do
nothing, not so much as to be thankful for the least mercy.
Ye will not persuade him to live, and live only in, to, and
by another, and submit himself, his will, in all things, to
God ; and with a holy contentedness to submit to have his
resolutions broken, and God glorified ; and contented and
satisfied in this, that the counsel of the Lord hath taken
effect. 4/tf, It is the frequency and constancy of God's
waterings that doth good, rather than any measure of a
particular fit or visitation ; and from this more love may be
gathered, John xv. 7, "If My words abide in you." "He
that endureth to the end shall be saved." Balaam had a
strange fit. These waterings, through their frequency and
constancy, in process of time did good, did sanctify, did
humble, did make me delight in duty, and draw to God,
and from the world. " Gutta cavat lapidem, -non vi, sed
scebe cadendo" Hosea iii. 3, "Thou shalt abide for Me

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 67

many days/' And that which cometh by degrees hath most
last. $to, Unwatchfulness is a constant and only evil, pre-
judicial to a progress in grace, Mat. xxvi. 41. 6to, "Man
liveth not by bread alone, but by every word that pro-
ceeded! out of the mouth of God." I owe any thing that
was wrought in me to His grace and goodness, and not to
my own resolutions, nor to any means whatsomever. "O
people saved by the Lord !" I did by many experiences
find a horse a vain help. 7 ///<?, Folk, in returning to God,
are drawn by degrees, by little and little, and not all at
once. As first, to put in their heart to seek God, then a
remissness, then a turning more serious, then to find more
sweetness in the Lord and His ways. " By little and little
will I drive them out/' And, therefore, folk may be con-
verted, though they remember not of any special day, that
might be as a time to pass reckoning upon; do as ye may,
and be drawn according to God's will, who "leads the blind
in a way that they know not." 8vo, The way to heaven is a
tedious, wearisome, narrow, and straight gate, even a terrible
and great wilderness, Duet. viii. 15, that heaven may be the
sweeter when it comes. Oh how much need of patience is
there ! and what thankfulness owe we, when we come to any
place where there are fountains of water ! Let us not think
strange if thus we find it. gno, There is not, possibly, in
some, so much sensible joy as at their first conversion, of
which many reasons may be given; no such singing as when
brought out of Egypt ; the fatted calf is slain at first, Luke
xv. 23. The gold and prize is seen at the break of the race,
and at the race's end; folk have most need of it then. They
were not sent to the war the first year. lomo, All must be
in some measure humbled ere they get any good; meekened
and made silent before, and submissive to God, Lev. xxvi.
41. 1 1 mo , All exercises as to circumstances are not alike
in Christians; one Christian's pace is not a method or a rule
for another. 12 mo, There may be a wearying and loading,
and real humiliation, though there be no terrors on the soul.
13/fc, Sense of a dead, hard heart is an effectual means to

68 Me)i whs of the

draw to Christ, yea, and more effectual than any other can
be, because "dead, miserable, and naked," Rev. iii. 18.
14/^, God is ever carrying on His work in a soul, or in a
kingdom, though we do not always perceive it : for He
carries it on insensibly ; the seed grows, and thou knowest
not how ; He hath His way in the storms : " I girded thee
with strength, though thou knewest not." Yea, when we
think He is standing still, or going backward, yet He is
going forwards. 15/0, Hope is the first step of recovery,
and all the sorrows of the elect have hope in them; there-
fore, let every one labour to settle this well, Ezra x. 2,
"There is hope, therefore let us turn." 16 to, The begin-
nings of grace are very small, poor, and unpromising, like a
grain of mustard seed, Mat. xiii. 31 ; Ezek. xlvii. 3, 4, 5.

SECTION III.

How I was drawn to God, and made to close with Him
by faith.

For any thing I could learn of myself, or discern, I had
the seeds of grace and faith before this time ; but yet I
lived more by sense than any other way, and therefore I
fell and rose as sense was up or down, and so never came
to any settlement, like a wave tossed up and down. And
so the Lord, intending to settle me, did beat me from sense,
and made me learn a more excellent way, even to live by
faith. I knew there was a rest, whereof I knew little ; only
I thought it was an estate of constant joy and life, wherein
the Spirit would evermore triumph against the flesh, and
wherein all actings would be pure and cleanly. And thus,
like the Jews and disciples, I dreamed of a heaven on earth,
though not of an earthly kingdom. But that which was
indeed my rest, to which he that believeth hath entered in,
I never so much as dreamed of it : for I thought faith was
some extraordinary rapture, and seeing of Christ with great
fulgor and glory ; this I thought to be faith, or the ground

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 69

of it. But the Lord came in the "calm voice," and Christ
grew "like a tender plant out of a dry ground," Luke xvii.
20 j Zech. iv. 6. And, indeed, the foundation of this second
temple was far less glorious in appearance than the first.
Oh how was I mistaken ! It was less in my thoughts, that
such a dead, blind, carnal, sinful soul should be called to
believe and depend most confidently on Christ, and that
without any sign from heaven, but upon the bare warrant of
His word in Scripture. The way and the manner whereof,
as I remember, I shall set down ; which was the tenth and
last step of my recovery.

1. Finding, therefore, no rest in my exercise of self-
resignation for the causes above and formerly expressed, I
began to be very sorrowful and disconsolate, and, like
Pharaoh's chariots, to drive on heavily. I continued wait-
ing in the means ; and one day, as I was reading in my
ordinary, I read these words in Hag. ii. 17, "I smote you
in all the labour of your hands, yet ye turned not to Me,
saith the Lord." I applied this spiritually ; that is, thought
I, God hath smitten me in all my labours, duties, resolu-
tions, and vows, and for all this I turned not to God ; but
wherein am I not turned ? Wherein shall I return ? How
so ? Have I not left my sins, mourned, prayed, read, and
meditated ? What remains yet to be done ? What duty or
mean do I slight? What pains in my power have I with-
holden ? I therefore cast mine eyes upon all duties ; and,
while I was thus searching, some blessed motion was sug-
gested to me, That I had all my lifetime slighted the duty
of believing, and had not turned to God by faith ; and,
therefore, until this thou do, God will ever continue in
smiting thee in all the labours of thy hand, for "without
faith, it is impossible to please God." And it hath been
the want of this, and this only, that hath blasted thee in all
thine endeavours. Faith, quoth I, astonished, what is this ?
What, me believe, that am so wild, so unprepared, so dead,
so little prizing of Christ ! It cannot be ; Lord, now keep
from a delusion. Yes* Faith, of which so much is spoken

70 Memoirs of the

in Scripture, of which thou knowest so little, that is the
main grace, said the Spirit. These things made me some
way apprehensive of the matter. v

2. I, therefore, in the second place, was made to con- \
sider the matter, and I found that faith had a great place in
religion ; and withal, looking to myself, I found that I had
very little practised it, and was as great a stranger to it as
these disciples, Acts xix. i, 2, were to the knowledge of the
Holy Ghost. I knew not what it was, nor had formerly
exercised it, or distinctly and expressly heard of it, nay,
knew not that it was my duty ; for this ill principle remained
with me, viz., I believed that none should believe but
persons so and so qualified, and that the ground thereof
was some sensible manifestation of glory, which until I
could find, I thought I was to lie in my prison and mourn,
John xvi. 9.

3. The Lord did convince me fully that I should believe,
and that it was the duty of every one. For, as I said before,
I thought that only persons so and so qualified were bound
to believe ; but the merciful Lord Himself did unloose this
knot, by calling me to Him, convincing me that it was my
duty so to do ; and thereby the chains wherewith Satan had
for a long time bound me, and kept me from the distinct
exercise and life of faith, were broken. And that which is
wonderful is, — I heard it an hundred times pressed in
sermons to believe, and yet until that day was never
persuaded it was my duty to believe, nor never minded
that exercise at all. The grounds whereby I was then
persuaded to believe, or that believing was my duty, yea,
and that all were bound to believe, which was the first
point, were these: 1st, That Scripture, 1 John iii. 23, "This
is His commandment, that ye believe on the name of the
Son of God." Then it is commanded, concluded I ; and
why is it not duty? Nay, is it not the great command?
Dost thou question that prayer is thy duty? Truly it is
thy duty, because commanded. Then faith, or receiving
of Christ, being commanded likewise, it is thy duty as well

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 7 1

as prayer. 2dly, Wicked, unregenerate men are commanded
to believe ; and it is the great duty, more acceptable and
well pleasing to God than any thou canst preform, John
vi. 28, "What is the work of God, that we should work it?"
The answer, verse 29th, was very contrary to their expecta-
tions and thoughts, " This is the work of God, that ye
believe on Him whom He hath sent ;" this is the first,
the great command, and a command tying graceless persons
such as were the Jews. $dfy, That Scripture was brought
to my mind, Rom. iv. 20, Abraham, "by believing glorified
God," compared with Num. xx. 12, "Because ye believed
not, to sanctify my name before this people, therefore ye
shall not bring this people into the land promised." Now,
seeing believing glorifies God, thou art bound unto it ; for
every man is bound to glorify God. Who questions this?
Now, believing glorifies God, in acknowledging His power,
goodness, and rich grace. <\thl)\ The Spirit urged this
argument, the wicked are punished for not believing, there-
fore it is their duty to believe. See Psal. ixxviii. 32, 33,
" He consumed their days in vanity, because they believed
not on Him ;" and so shall He do with thee if thou do not
believe. $thly, This was confirmed to me by the first
Scripture, and by the language of some providences. What
else could I call my continual disappointments, and fruitless
labours, but a call to me to try what this might do? My
days were consumed, and therefore by my stroke I might
read my sin.

4. The Lord having by these persuaded and convinced
me that it was my duty to believe, and rolled this stone
away from the sepulchre ; He proceeded next to answer my
manifold objections, which then did begin to swarm and
keep me from believing. The main were, 1st, I cannot
believe ; and, therefore, why am I called to believe ? It is
the gift of God, and why should I hammer out a faith of my
own bowels ? This will not be accepted. It was answered,
the Lord, by thus drawing and inviting thee, gives thee
power to come, as it was when He called on dead Lazarus

72 Memoirs of the

to live and come forth. And, besides, thou canst not
sanctify a Sabbath, nor pray ; yet it is thy duty, and thou
goest about it as thou canst. So do here. Yea, to the
wearied and loadened, and called thus, it is not impossible.
A second objection was, I fear I may presume. It was
answered, to believe, in obedience to a command, is no
presumption. When thou receivest Christ, and in this act
believest on and restest in Him for pardon, this being
obedience cannot be presumption, for it is no persumption
to obey God ; to believe uncalled is presumption or un-
warrantable. Objection 3rd, I am not enough humbled,
my heart is dead and hard, and I am altogether insensible
of my condition ; and, therefore how7 can I be called to
believe? for it is the "weary and heavy ladened" that are
called to come. It was answered, it may be so, but this
gives no right to come ; it is the call and command of God,
and Gospel-offers, which gave a right, and not any qualifica-
tion. And besides, I read in Mr Gray at the same time,
that those that are wearied and loadened are rather those
that will come, than those that ought to come. Thou art
miserable, and naked, and wild ; all is true. But how can
it be otherwise, when thou hast lived at such a distance with
Christ who is the fountain of life ? If thou wouldst believe,
He would give thee what thou wantest ; there is no other
way of receiving life but by coming to Him, John v. 40.
Objection 4th, But I cannot prize Christ, nor am I prepared.
It was answered, that as faith fetches all from Him, so
fetches it prizing of Him too ; for if faith fetches all from
Christ, then it brings nothing to Christ but deadness, blind-
ness, and sinfulness. Come to Him for grace to prize Him;
if thou once wrouldst believe, then Christ would be precious
to thee, 1 Pet. ii. 7. Emptiness is the best qualification;
" The hungry He filleth with good things, but the rich He
sendeth away empty.'' There is no more required than
what makes thee be willing to accept Him ; if, therefore,
thou be willing to accept Christ, thou prizeth Him suf-
ficiently, and art sufficiently prepared. Objection 5///, Thou

Rev. Ja?nes Fraser of Brea. 73

findest no glorious power drawing thee. It was answered,
yet I find the Lord in His Word really calling me, and this
is as sufficient a ground to thee as though He came person-
ally and visibly here and desired this of thee ; and, therefore,
do now what thou wouldst do then. His Word is the
" more sure word of prophecy," surer than the voice that
came down from heaven. Objection 6///, But I find no
good after I believe. It was answered, no more do saints
at first, Hos. vi. 2, "After two days will He come and
revive us." It is not by coming to Him, but by " abiding
in Him," that fruit is brought forth. ,1 confess, by the
answering of these objections, and by other arguments, the
Lord did sensibly and seasonably, and with a strong hand,
convince me that it was my duty to believe. Oh will He
take such a vile worm as I ! Yes, He will ; for thou art the
fittest person in the world for Him to glorify His grace on.
The Lord did incessantly follow me with these thoughts,
yea, I found a sensible power dealing with me.

5. The Lord did not only draw me to conclude that
believing was my duty, and answered my objections ; but by
other arguments persuaded me to go about this duty of
believing on and closing with Christ. The main motives
were, isf, Dost thou not see how earnest God is with thee?
He commands, invites, threatens thee ; hath at last opened
thy blind eyes to let thee see thy duty, loosed all thy objec-
tions, and hath now this long time waited on thee. Oh !
open at last, and yield to His importunity, Rev. iii. 20.
2dly, Know it, if thou wilt not answer, and quickly answer,
God will away and leave thee, and there will be no more
knocking, but all this work shall die, and thou shalt never
be converted, Prov. i. 24-33. 3^'? There is nothing more
pleasing to God than believing. Behold how the angels
are expecting and wishing in their hearts that now there
may be a match made, Luke xv. 7, and ii. 13. This will
please the Lord for all the ills that thou hast done Him ;
nothing thou canst do can be so pleasing to Him ; for this
is the end of all dispensations, and the great command.

74 Me?noirs of the

Now, make amends for all ye have done, John vi. 28.
4////r, Consider the duty itself; it is the giving of thy heart
to Christ, and receiving of Him, and believing in Him.
Hath He been at such pains, and taken thy rotten righteous-
ness away, and now comes and offers Himself to thee,
beseeches thee to love Him, looses all thy objections?
Oh ! slight not this great salvation. Slight any duty, but
trample not on love ; love for love is the least that can be
given, Heb. ii. 3. 5tAfy, "Without faith, it is impossible
to please God/' Pray, suffer, and do what thou wilt, all
is abomination if not in faith; I care for nothing if this
be wanting, saith the Lord, Heb. xi. 6. 6////1*, The sorest
punishments are abiding unbelief; and, therefore, if thou
refuse this offer, all thy sins that ever thou didst, thy blas-
phemy, Sabbath-breaking, etc., will be but as flea-bites to
this, Acts xiii. 41. It shall be more tolerable for Sodom
and Gomorrah than for thee. Better never have prayed,
but lived a profane Atheist, than come this length and
stick; God will go away shortly, and thou shalt wander and
decay, and one to a hundred but thou sin that sin against
the Holy Ghost, Heb. vi. 6, for never wast thou indeed
enlightened till now; and now refuse, and let this heat cool,
and thou mayest be hardened, "ithly, Consider, if Christ
were now in thy chamber, and were bidding and entreating
thee with tears in His eyes to receive Him, and offering
Himself to thee, and saying to thee, O thou wretchedest
of sinners, by all these sorrows I endured for thee, I adjure
thee grieve Me no more with thine unbelief, but receive Me
and My offers, and so glorify My grace. Wouldst thou not
do it, and wonder at this love? Oh Christ doth it as really
now, Rom. x. 8, "The Word is near thee, in thy mouth,
and in thy heart/'* 8///7v, Consider what thou shalt have
by this. Thou shalt get life, light, rest, and consolation;
and that which in vain thou hast been seeking by thy own
righteousness, thou shalt by faith get, nay, be able to work
impossible things ; thy dead heart shall live, thy blind eyes
shall see Him, thy lame hands and feet shall leap and work,

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 75

and by this way only shalt thou have peace. With these
and the like arguments did the Lord court my soul to
Himself.

6. The Lord did by suitable providences back the call
of His Word upon my Spirit; for on a day of private humili-
ation it was my ordinary to read Heb. xi. and First Epistle
of Peter, where so much is spoken of faith. The Lord like-
wise made Shepherd's "Sound Believer" useful to me,
which till now I perceived I never understood; then all
Scriptures concerning faith, and treatises speaking thereof,
and meditations of it, were sweet, which now I began some-
thing to understand. I was now come as it were to a new
world, and there was such a stir upon my spirit as I never
found the like before. Fain would I believe, but, ah, I
could not ! I found a spirit of resistance, there was a blind-
ness upon my eyes; I knew not what believing was, nor on
whom. On the one hand, the Lord by His commands,
motives, earnest and real invitations, promises, and answer-
ing objections, yea, and terrible threatenings in case of
unbelief, hastening me and pushing me forward, and that
speedily; for all doors were shut but this of faith. For I
could neither pray nor do anything, in respect of the sinful-
ness of it without faith, and therefore this behoved to be my
first work. On the other hand, ignorance of Christ, and of
the duty of believing, and fear of presumption, and believing
on my own strength, did toss me like a ball; I knew not
what to do, but like a weak child stuck in the birth. Oh,
said I, how can I believe! "Lord, help my unbelief," and
pity me, Thou that hast been with me so wonderfully through
the great and terrible wilderness, and brought me even to
the borders of the good land; Oh help here. Sometimes I
would think it were better I had never come this length.
My greatest objection was, that I did not see the glory of
Christ; and though I should believe, yet without this it
would not be an effectual believing, and so would prove but
a dead faith; and likewise, I knew not what faith was.
Well, said the Lord, do but rely on Christ for life and

76 Memoirs of the

affection with some confidence that He will help thee, and
I seek no more. In this and to this I found some strength,
and then I endeavoured it, and said, behold, I come to
Thee, Lord; do not thou cast me off. But the Lord said,
come not only to see what Christ will do with thee, but
likewise rest upon and believe from His goodness, that He
will do all that thou standest in need of. Well, then,
answered my heart, since it is so, I will take my hazard, and
on Thee I cast myself, come of it what will. And verily
that which seemed in my most serious exercise to be the
notion of faith by which I closed with Christ was, a certain
kind of persuation and rest in it, that I had, the Lord would
do me good, and help me in all things. And the great
thing that was pressed upon me was, not to doubt of Christ,
especially His good-will; in which in some measure I rested.
7. I was afterward more confirmed in this; for in this
case I continued for fourteen days much after one way, still
looking for some great thing, but found nothing. And then
a new objection came in, which was this, though it was my
duty to believe, yet, if I had really believed, there would
something have followed; but Oh! I find nothing after my
closing. Surely I have laid my pipes short of the fountain;
I am as blind, as dead, as unholy as ever. I will to my
prison again, till Christ Himself come and redeem me with
a strong hand; for it seems I have come forth without a
warrant, and so I became discouraged, and did pull up
the roots and razed the foundations again. But the Lord
trysted me with a suitable word from Mr Shepherd to this
objection, showing that a soul may come to Christ, and yet
at first find nothing; and then, saith he, the same reason
(viz., emptiness) that moved thee to come, the same should
make thee stay with Christ; and it is usual with the Lord's
people to get nothing at first, Hos. vi. 1, " Let us return
unto the Lord, for He will heal us." Oh, say they, we got
nothing, we find no healing or life No, saith he, though
the first day ye get nothing, nor yet the next, yet "after two
days He will revive us, and the third day we will stand up

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 77

in His sight." This cured the wound something ; but the
fresh apprehensions of presumption and catching hold on a
lie, with the sense of unworthiness, and believing in my own
strength, did, like a violent storm, raze all foundations, so as
through pettishness, fear, unbelief, and impatience, I said,
I will to my prison again, I will pluck up my anchor again ;
and, therefore, resolved I would make a doleful and heavy
complaint to God. But, when I was going to my knees,
ere ever I had spoken a word to the Lord, it was suggested
to me thus : Dost thou think, seeing thou rejectest My Son,
and wilt not trust in Him, that ever thy peeping or sorrows
will be accepted by Me? Is not every thing that is not
done in faith abomination ? Thou mayest well think by
prayer to offend God more, but never think that the Lord
henceforth will do any thing for thee, seeing there is no
faith; for God hears no prayers but in Christ. I saw by this
a necessity of believing, and doing what I could. Well, said
I, O Lord, since it is so, that I must of necessity believe,
against sense and reason, and as I can, I do lippen my soul
to Thee, and trust Thou wilt save me from all my sins ; and
though this be counted presumption, yet I will trust in
Him. And was much strengthened herein from Job xiii. 15,
"Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him;" though all
things seem to cry despair and die, and though for my
presumption He should kill me, yet I will trust in Him;
and now, Lord, since I have sealed this bargain, and closed
with Thee, send strength, not for any thing in me, but
because now I am Thy servant, that I may honour Thee,
my Master.

8. I had no sooner spoken these words, but the Lord
revealed Himself and His love, by the evidence of my
sincerity in that petition, wherein I perceived, that, laying
aside mine own cause, I sought grace to honour Him ; and
by this seal of the Spirit I became assured with joy and
peace. I am not selfish, said I, in seeking grace; I seek it
for Christ's ends, to honour Him ; therefore I have been
sincere, and helped to believe. Then were my eyes opened

J 8 Memoirs of the

to see love in all dispensations. Oh this was a heart-ravish-
ing consideration ! The Lord, that followed me many a
weary day, never rested till He had completed His work
with me, and till He had engaged me to believe. Oh the
love of Christ ! If Christ had no power to help a poor
sinner, but had love, He would even die over it, such is
His love.

9. I was thinking whether this was but a common work,
or was it special saving grace? and I am induced to believe
and to think it a saving sincere faith, by these grounds : 1st,
It was a faith wrought by the Lord Himself, though small,
and weak; it was a faith of the operation of God, Eph. i.
19, 20, and ii. 8; Col. ii. 12. It was not of my own making
and devising: and I shall not think that a presumption
which He warranted me to do, and which I did in obedi-
ence to His command, nor that a delusion which His Spirit
wrought. 2d/v, It was grounded on the Word, not on
sense ; on the Word of His command, Eph. ii. 20, and it
is no presumption to believe what He commands. 3^/v,
It "purified the heart," and made me prize and desire
grace, and made me desire that mainly for Christ's ends,
to honour Him, Eph. i. 13; Acts xv. 9; 1 John iii. 3.
4/^/r, It filled me with "joy and peace," Rom. v. 2, 3, 4;
1 Pet. i. 8, so as I was satisfied with my condition, and
went about the fields singing songs of triumph over Satan.
Oh, said I, did I ever see this day, or expect to see it?
5/A/y, I was fitted and prepared for it ; for it was after much
humiliation, burdening, and wearying, Mat. xi. 28. 6th/y,
It strengthened me; for I cried out, what shall I now do for
the Lord, who hath heard my sorrows and afflictions? This
"joy of the Lord was my strength," Neh. viii. 10; Prov.
xvii. 22. jthfy, It made the Lord Jesus precious; I was
made to see a glory, an excellency, and loveliness in Him.
And it is a token of a sound faith that exalts Christ, 1 Pet.
ii. 7. St/ify, I was made to resolve to pay my vows which I
made in afflictions and straits, once when at the college
under convictions, and another time in confirmation of this

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 79

when in the wilderness, which was this -that if the Lord
would deliver me out of that condition in which I was, and
give me assurance of His love, and acquaint me in some
measure with the ways of God and Christian exercises,
especially faith and patience, that thereby I might better
inform others, and that before I was twenty-five years of
age, that then, if I were in the kingdom, I should serve
Him in the ministry. The Lord heard me, so as I thought
I was bound. Then did I set myself wholly to serve the
Lord. And in this frame I continued for a week, though
not in that ecstacy of joy, yet in that peace and tranquillity
of mind ; my heart, being stayed by faith, was kept in
perfect peace, which, through my dying, vanishing frame of
spirit, it could never be.

10. Yet notwithstanding, this faith had many cracks in
it, and many defects, which encouraged Satan to make an
assault, which he made thereafter. It had these imperfec-
tions, 1st, Less discovered of the power of God in making
me close with the promise, than in discovering my duty, and
inclining me to believe. There was much of this faith
wrought by my own power, which made Satan brangle it
upon this very head. 2dly, I secretly rested, after I believed,
in the act of faith rather than in the object of faith, and
drew comfort from this more than from the object — Christ
holden out in the Gospel. S^fy, I was more convinced that
believing was my duty, than I understood what believing
was; the equity of believing appeared, but not the ration-
ality. I was not so convinced of the grounds of believing;
and therefore was I confused, and utterly at a loss wThat to
believe. For generals could not be a ground of particular
application, without which I could not have peace. Nor
had I peace in the bare hopes that Christ would save me,
because faith and hope appear to me to be different, 4?/ify,
And the ground of all this was, though the Gospel revealed
to me my duty formally and clearly, yet not the object of
faith, the covenant of grace giving Christ Himself; of whom
though I had some knowledge as of one able to save me,

80 Memoirs of the

and who only was my upmaking, yet at this time I knew
Him not so distinctly in His offices and offers, nor in the
grounds He gave of believing, till afterwards; nor was I so
acquaint with the nature of absolute promises, and their
reach, till afterwards. 5thfy, I looked too much for some-
thing from Christ's life and resurrection, and did not so
expressly and distinctly (though I did really) close for Him-
self. 6th/v, I closed for spiritual benefits, but not for
temporal benefits. JtMy, I limited the Holy One of Israel;
for I made but use of faith for a time, until it should convey
sense of life and consolation. And this I expected immedi-
ately, or shortly after I had believed; and that, when that
sense came, there would never be a change again, and no
use made of faith, but fair days from henceforth. I did not
lay my account to wait all the days of my appointed time;
and, therefore, not laying my account with trouble and long
desertions, the storm that thereafter blew overthrew me.

ii. The end of which dispensation, I think, was to
acquaint me more distinctly and clearly with the method of
effectual calling, which formerly I had not so clearly known.
2dl)\ To learn me to live the life of faith, and to wean me
from sense, ^d/y, To acquaint me with His love, and to
manifest and give proof thereof to me. Which appeared
clearly in this work; for when I was not dreaming of faith,
when all that ever I heard could not clear me what it was,
nor suspected such a duty, and when multiplied objections
were in my way, Oh how clearly did He loose them ! How
strongly, how lovingly, how incessantly, how patiently, how
condescendingly to my weakness, how earnestly and strongly
did he draw ! And, lest I should doubt that He was well
pleased with what I had done, He sealed it with the bud-
ding forth of sanctification, with joy and assurance. But in
nothing am I more assured that this was true faith, than by
the Lord's constant preserving it, notwithstanding of all
tentations: "When I was young He loved me, and led me
by the arms, teaching me to go," Hos. xi. i, 3, and in this
He appeared the main doer, ^thly, His end was to bring

Rev. James Fraser of Brea.

me to rest, which is by faith : not to a rest from labour or
work, nor a rest from tentations, afflictions, and sorrows,
and wanderings now and then, but to a rest of security and
settlement from fears. For, till the soul close with Christ,
it never hath any ground of security or peace; then hath a
man strength to perform duties, a balm against the sting of
sin in the conscience, an undoubted evident and security for
heaven, an undoubted strength to flee to in all extremities;
it is now not like a wave in the sea, tossed to and fro, but it
is fixed and centred.

12. From this I observe, ist, That ere ever a soul can
believe, he must be called of God; for else no man would,
could, or should come, Rom. viii. 30; 1 Cor. i. 2; Jer. hi.
22. 2dfy, That the immediate end of effectual calling is to
receive Christ by faith, or to believe in, and rest on Him for
all things, John vi. 28, 29; Mat. xxii. 3; Isa. lv. 1. For
though the saints be said to be called to heaven, to peace,
to be holy; yet is not this the immediate end of effectual
calling, but, as I said, to receive Jesus Christ, and all things,
freely offered in the Gospel. 3^/r, As it is God that calls, so
it is God that maketh to answer this call; and the creature
is but merely passive, 1 Pet. ii. 9. 4////1', This call is inward
as well as outward, borne in upon our spirit; God takes a
dealing with the heart, Hos. ii. 14. For the outward call
will never do it: "I will call her to the wilderness, and
speak to her heart/' Jer. xxxi. 33 : 2 Cor. iii. 3. $thlyy
This call is a glorious call, and stamped with majesty and
authority. As it is the Lord that calls, so doth He stamp
His own name on it, so that the soul knows it is God that
is dealing with him. And so, "where the word of a king is,
there is power;" and "who may say unto him, What doest
thou?" 6t/ily, This call is in the Word, or by it, Rom. x.
16, 17, not by dumb enthusiasms, superstitions, or a mere
providence. It was by the Word I was convinced it was
duty to believe, the Word gave me motives, and loosed my
objections — all my warrants were from the Word. *[tMy\
Faith is neither to love Christ, or to be content to take

6

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Him ; for that is wrought already (to love a person, and to
be content to marry him, is not marriage; it is but 'a dis-
position to marriage): nor yet to believe that He is able to
save, or to hope; but it is to believe on Christ that He is
yours, and will bestow Himself and all things on you; and,
when thus you believe, you have it: or, it is a cordial assent,
and particular application of the promises, giving Christ and
all His benefits. Give but a particular and cordial assent
to the Gospel, and that is believing; and he never heard the
Gospel to whom it spoke not this. I have largely proven
this elsewhere, I now give my experience, i Tim. i. 15.
St///j\ The grounds of faith are the command of God, the
offer of the Gospel, but especially the Gospel declaration
and promise, which at that time was not revealed to me,
Mat. xi. 28; 2 Cor. v. 19, 20, 21. The New Testament
ministers beseech all to be reconciled, and upon this ground,
because He hath "made Him sin for us that knew no sin ;"
this is the rational ground of believing. The command is
the moral ground of believing, God giving Christ freely,
and making Him sin, and our covenant, and forgiving in
His name; and the Gospel declaring this. Hence it is
more than a naked offer, gth/v, Although it be the duty of
all to believe, and though preparatory qualifications give no
right to believe or to Christ; yet is Christ never revealed
effectually to save a soul, until in some measure that soul be
made to find its own emptiness, and want of self-righteous-
ness. It is the blind and lame that are compelled to come,
Luke xiv. 21, 23; Mat. xi. 28; John ix. 39; Pro v. ix. 4, 5.
lothly, True humiliation doth not consist in legal terrors;
and one, sufficiently humbled for sin, may yet be under
apprehensions and sense of deadness, Isa. Ixiii. 17; Psal.
lxxx. 18; nor yet in the continuance of terrors, else the
damned in hell should be most humbled. Only it is rather
in a conviction of the want of all things, raising a dissatisfac-
tion with the present condition, and a despair of self, and a
justifying of God in all matters. Yea, the truest prepara-
tions for Christ are a sense and conviction of vileness, and

Rev. James Fraser of Btca. 83

guiltiness, deadness, hardness, and blindness, and a wearied-
ness with the world and duties, and the ill heart. n////r,
The heart truly humbled must be touched with original
corruption and heart-plagues, and a state of distance and
enmity, John xvi. 9. \2thly, Though all be humbled, all
are not alike humbled; so, though all believers be drawn to
Christ, and united to Him, yet are not all drawn in the same
manner to Christ. To some heaven, as it were, is opened,
the Lord revealing the glory of Jesus to them, so as the}',
without a hinck, leave all, and come flying to Him, Mat.
xiii. 44, so as the soul is so overpowered, that it cannot but
cling to the Lord Jesus. There are others that are under
deep horrors, and brought down to hell, and distracted with
terrors; and Christ is lovely as one that saves from wrath
and hell. Necessity makes them flee to the city of refuge,
Acts ii. 37; Heb. vi. 18; Psal. cxliii. 9. Some, under the
sense of a dead, blind, empty heart, flee to Him for life and
eye-salve more expressly, Prov. ix. 4; Jer. xxxi. 18, 19;
Hosea xiv. 1; Rev. iii. 18. Some find they cannot come;
they desire the Lord to do it, Lam. v. 21; Jer. xxxi. 18.
Some, by the sense of a command, do desperately venture,
and their faith is an act of wilfulness, Job xiii. 15. Some
come to Christ, and they hang (having His promise, "That
whosoever comes He will in nowise cast off") by expecta-
tions, hope, and desire, until a greater window be opened in
heaven; and then they clearly receive Christ, when the Lord
Jesus is given, so as the everlasting doors are opened, Psal.
xxiv. 7, 9. Not that these doors were not opened before,
but because the frame of heart was not so discovered; for a
desire after Christ, and a believing what the Gospel saith,
and a hope upon this, is a real, though not a sensible,
receiving of Christ; only time doth ordinarily manifest the
reality of this. Some close with Christ by way of a marriage-
consent and contract, Christ overcoming the heart by love,
Hosea ii. 19, 20; Eph. v. 25; Jer. xxxi. 33; and 1. 5. Some
come to Christ by way of looking to Him; in some their
faith is but a hope or doth resemble it. 13M/J', Love is the

84 Memoirs of the

key that opens the heart, Rom. x. 10, "With the heart man
believes to salvation/' Hosea ii. 19, 20, which love will kyth
in a mourning for want of Him, and a desire after Him and
a rejoicing in any thing that appears like Him, and a love
unto His people. And, as there is affection in His people
to Him, so is there love kythed in the Lord's courting of
His people. The command itself, "Turn," hath love en-
graven on it, the Lord's so earnest seeking of it, His large
offers to gain this. 14/^/r, The soul, in believing, closes
with the person of Christ (He is the principle object, though
not the immediate object of faith), and closes with Him
only, and for ever; the soul desires this, and mourns that it
is not so: "Take away all sins," Hosea xiv. 3; Jer. 1. 5;
Psal. xc. 1. For, to come to Christ for His benefits only
is not a personal love; to come to Chirst, but not to Him
only, is an adulterous marriage; to come to Him for some
time, and not for ever, is but to give Christ a visit, not to
marry Him. i$tk/y, The whole life of a man is a continued
conversion to God, in which he is perpetually humbled
under sense of sin, and draws nearer and nearer to God,
with more fervent faith and love, and daily walks closer and
closer with the Lord, endeavouring at perfection, Mat. xviii.
3; Luke xxii. 32; Prov. xxiii. 26; Cant. iv. 8; Psal. lxiv. 7.
And God doth as it were act over and over again His work
in the heart, forming His people more exactly than before.
And, therefore, no wonder they meet with something like a
second, yea, and a third and fourth conversion; especially
where there are backslidings. \bthly, True faith is lively
and fruitful; for it strengthens, settles, and sanctifies the
heart, 1 John hi. 3: Acts xv. 9. ijt/i/y, There may be faith
in the heart, though it doth not manifest itself in express
acts of believing to those that have it; yea, there may be
great ignorance of the nature of faith in speculation; as the
child lives, though he knows not that it is so, nor can tell
the conceipt of life, John xiv. 7, 8, compared with v. 16, 17;
Acts xix. 2. l&f/ify, Wherever God begins to do good,
either to reveal or quicken, He will not leave off, but will

Rev. James Fraser of Brea, 85

manifest Himself more and more, John xiii. 7; Mat. xiii. 31.
He will perfect His work unto the end. igt/i/j\ There may
be a real closing with Christ, and yet felt deadne^s and
hardness. A sick faith is a living faith, John v. 40, and
xi. 25. Nor is the soul in this case to stand at a distance
with Christ. 20th ly, The ''kingdom of heaven," either
outward or inward, "cometh not with observation,'' John
iv. 14 ; and the foundations of the temple maybe matter of
mourning, and little glory seen therein: "The day of small
things;" a great stream may proceed from a small fountain.
The Lord comes not in the thunder nor earthquake, but in
the "still voice. ?; We think, like Naaman, that when God
comes to the heart, He will appear in visible glory, as some
times He doth; yet at other times His voice is not heard in
the streets, and He "groweth as a tender plant out of the
dry ground,"' and there is little beauty seen in Him. What
a poor beginning was all this of a life of faith !

CHAR VI.

OF MY PROGRESS AND GROWTH, AND ESTABLISHMENT IN
THE WAYS OF GOD.

SECTION I.

Hoiv, after dosing with Christ by Faith, I was assaulted
zvith terrible Tentations, and hozv delivered.

I CONTINUED in some peace for ten days' time, still
expecting some extraordinary thing, but had not the
impressions of joy I had in the beginning so deep upon my
spirit as at first; there came a cloud and overshadowed me
thus:

i. The Lord left me as to that measure of His comfort-
ing and quickening presence: for herein the world is not
rest, but a place of labour, change, sorrow, and pain; and,
therefore, I behoved to draw in the yoke. 2dly, I liked
ease and rest; and now, when the Lord had broken my
bonds and yoke, I thought there was no more for me to do,
I dreamed of no cloud or night; and, since the main was
secured, I did not apprehend such a necessity of labour, but
would have been at sleeping in my nest ; or else, if I must
needs pray and fight, I desired to be taken up in Christ's
arms as I was at first, and to be passive, and Christ to do
all, Hosea xi. 3; Psal xxx. 6. I said, Like Peter, "It is
good to be here;" and I said, "Let us make a tabernacle,"
until a cloud over shadowed me, which, when it did, I, ex-
pecting in vain Christ's return in the same manner, got
other work to do. $dly, Not finding ease, nor peacej nor

Rev. James Eraser of Brea. 87

rest, in God, because I would not dig for it, I behoved to
have it from the world, and therefore turned slothful, and
for some time followed vanities, seeking rest, until (reproved)
I went to prayer, but got no good. I took up Shepherd's
"Sound Believer," and there I read this question, "How shall
I know whether my whole soul hath come to Christ?" He
answers, "When Christ alone gives sufficient satisfaction, so
as there is no need of idols and lusts." For this, ah! said
I, I do not thus; for my heart runs out continually after
idols. How couldst thou think (said conscience) that wast
so dead, to close with Christ with the whole soul ? Have
not the effects discovered thy unsoundness and hypocrisy?
See to the whorishness and adulteries of thy heart, and by
that judge of thy love in marrying Christ. Doth not thy
unsteadfastness in His covenant prove that thy heart was not
right with God at first, and that thou liedst unto Him when
thou soughtst and closedst with Him as the Rock of thy
Salvation ? I was made, upon this, to conclude that all my
lifetime I was violently carried with a delusion, which made
the sky very black. This tentation was so violent, as there
was no resisting of it, whereby my heart became sorrowful,
strengthless, and discouraged. Oh ! what shall I, what
should I, nay, what can I do now? Can I bestow more
pains than I did? Have I learned anything? Then did I
know the meaning of that word, "Thou hast lifted me up,
and cast me down." To have known before, while I
suspected no less, that I was wrong, would not so have
shaken me; as, after some assurance of favour, to be cast
down to hell; heart and hand was taken away from me; I
did not reason the matter, but yielded easily and quickly.
Now were my foundations shaken, and a breach made as to
my interest in God, and in the grounds which the Lord had
made me lay; a whole sea followed. 4////r, This was not
enough; Satan was let out upon me, to trouble me with
atheistical thoughts, which had like serpents been hissing,
and had appeared, but were quieted, though not killed; a
certain token that they would, when occasion offered, break

88 Memoirs of the

out most violently. Oh ! said I, what a delusion have I
been in? I was never convinced nor humbled, nay, I think,
never convinced that there was a God, or that His Word
was true. Now, the Lord leaving me, and Satan being
permitted, and being with former exercises naturally melan-
choly, atheistical tentations were driven most violently upon
me, upon which great and sensible horror fell upon my
spirit; which did arise, not so much from the thoughts of
this, that there was no God, as from the thoughts that
myself was an Atheist, and that I had not a lively demon-
strative argument for proving effectually and powerfully
that there is a God. Oh miserable creature! cried I, that
perished not at first when under horror, ere I had known
any thing of God, but to live till now, till I had contracted
more guilt and punishment ! O happy when I thought I
had sinned the sin against the Holy Cxhost ! For then there
were hopes that, while I believed the Scriptures, by them I
might be persuaded that I had not sinned it; but now no
remedy is left. When the foundations are loosed, what
means can I use? To whom shall I go when I doubt the
being of God ? How shall I be convinced ? How shall I
pray? $thl)\ Looking to the dispensation I was under, and
the remedilessness of my condition, and the sadness of this
Providence, my melancholy thoughts, of which Satan made
his use, represented God as terrible and fearful to me, as
one who had been watching all my lifetime to do me evil,
that had been deluding me with frames of spirit, and that
was now manifesting that hid displeasure against me, which
He bore me this long time, and let me see He would take
vengeance of me. I thought, or apprehended, God's wrath
and prejudice was more at my person than faults; in a word,
God was terrible and fearful to me, so that I was all taken
out of other, and disjointed. 6t/ily, This fire did make the
great scum and filth of rebellion appear, and that hatred
that was in my heart against God appear. My natural cor-
ruptions were stirred more violently than ever, in averseness
to God; and so, "when the law came, sin revived, and I

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 89

died." He was fearful to me; the reading of Scripture and
prayer had no taste, nay, these means were terrible to me,
so as it was much that put me to duty at all. Oh how
happy then (said I), when under my first terrors, by what
1 am at this time ! While terrors formerly were upon me,
I could pray, delight in prayer and other means, which were
exceeding sweet unto me ; but now alas ! duties are a
burden, a wearisomeness, and terror unto me, and occa-
sionally increase my trouble. For, whenever I read Scrip-
ture, a thousand atheistical thoughts were injected in my
soul; and, therefore, my case is most hopeless. Now the
Lord loves me not, and my soul abhors Him; my heart is
so wicked, that though with Spira I say it not with my
tongue, yet wish I that there were no God ; He is strange
and terrible unto me, an enemy, and therefore hateful to
me. Then did I find that the carnal mind is enmity against
God ; I was a right representation of the damned in hell —
tormented and hopeless, and raging against God and His
providences, sometimes I would say, What a strange thing
is this! thou thinkest there is no God, and yet art afraid
of Him. The truth is, I did not positively believe that
there is no God, but was afraid that I did not believe that
there was one; and my fear of God did prove a God, and
my belief of a Deity, jt/t/j, It did not a little heighten my
sorrows, that I was within fourteen days to partake of the
sacrament. The condition I was in, and the want of the
evidences of grace, made me look on communicating as a
dreadful business ; and the pride of my heart was such, that
having been known for a professor, and to have resolved to
communicate, it would be thought a weakness not to com-
municate, and hazard my estimation with them. And for
this cause I was the more diligent to get oil, and to get my
wedding-garment on; but found not such returns as upon
the like occasions I had hitherto found, partly through sloth,
and partly through the pride of my heart; so that I was, on
the Sabbath-day morning that I was to communicate, in as
sad a taking as I was ever before, utterly jumbled, and at a

90 Memoirs of the

distance with God, and full of horror and atheistical tenta-
tions. 8////r, It is true, that for some time it pleased God
to suspend these storms, and to give a calm, by binding up
Satan for a time: and it continued thus until three days
before my communicating. I wondered how they could be
removed when the cause was not taken away; and, there-
fore, they came again, so as, when I came to the table, they
assaulted me. Then would I say to myself, Oh poor,
wretched soul ! thou hast oftentimes desired a conviction
and a law work, and now thou hast one to purpose, and
claw it off again if thou canst ; see what good it doth thee.

0 how unkindly and diabolical are the convictions that
are now-a-days ! The occasion and ground of my trouble
were atheistical tentations, and hard, cruel thoughts of God,
which Satan did violently beat in upon me; as likewise it
did afflict me, that I could not get rid of all sin, and that

1 could not get resolved to do all duties, especially the duty
of reproof, to which I was averse through my natural bash-
fulness, gt/ify, My trouble was increased by my communi-
cating, especially by conversing with others, I found that
the Lord that day had been distributing largely; and it was
ordinary with them to express themselves thus, "I have
found Him.'' Oh, said I, and am I •only a bastard? Hath
He given to every one their allowance and portion, and
famished, and never so much as looked on me? This
struck me dead, and I was no longer for company. The
more spiritual sermons were, and societies were, the more
was I troubled. I saw, as it were, them coming from east
and west, and sitting with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and
myself among those that were thrust out. Meat, company,
and all ordinances, were a burden to me; I sat alone, and
mine eyes were heavy with sorrow. Oh (said I) for some
wilderness that I might lament in, and pour out this miser-
able soul of mine in the Lord's bosom ! My hopes were
gone, and I said, Farewell, all pleasant days again, and now
henceforth I am entering the gloomy valley and shadow of
death. No means would do me good. I looked over Mr

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 91

Baxter's arguments for the truth of the Scriptures, but they
seemed as straw to me, and my distempered spirit brake
through them. My atheistical reasonings would shift after
this manner: What knowest thou but that the apostles, who
were Christ's immediate successors, out of love to Him, and
to their imaginations, might have gone to far off places, and
there vented their doctrines, which, through process of time,
might have been confirmed by proselytes, who, by the
apostles' life, might have been drawn in; and their followers,
while there was no printing, might have added, and, being
for a long time unquarrelled, might through custom have
^ gained a belief? In a word, all I could say or hear seemed
but weak, either to persuade me or to give me peace. After
the sacrament, and after my homecoming/ my terrors in-
creased, and tentations assaulted me so violently, as that
I was taken off my knees, and could not pray one word;
\ nay, they were so violent, and my fears so strong, as that
I judged they could not be removed but by a miracle. And
I would (said I) seek no other evidence of a divine power
and being than the removing these fears; and I thought,
if the Lord would condescend to this, I should doubt no
more. Then was it suggested to me thus: Thy heart was
once so secure, so careless, that it needed an almighty
power to awaken thee as now thou art; and cannot the
Lord, who hath wounded thy oftentimes deemed impene-
trable heart, heal it again?

2. This was my condition; and the Lord was delivering,
and did deliver me by these steps and means, which did
kyth the working of grace in my soul, and His kindness.
1st, I was put continually to seek the Lord in the use of
means, notwithstanding of all my discouragements. I
prayed, read, and meditated; and some healing I would
find in these, but a cloud still came and overshadowed it;
however, they did good insensibly. 2dfy, One time, being
at supper, some of my relations and strangers fell a com-
mending a witty, carnal, and persecuting minister, who was
an enemy to the ways and people of God. I started up,

92 Memoirs of the

and said in a great zeal, that he was not worthy to live, and
that the Lord would be about with him. Here was a well
if I could see it. Thou sayest thou hatest God, and how
canst thou love His people, and hate His enemies, as thou
now showest thou dost? "He that loveth Him that begat,
loveth them also that are begotten." But reason was weak,
for bearing down of downright tentations. $dfy, Being in
Mr T. H.'s house, a godly and prudent man, his company
did me much good, especially his discourses to me concern-
ing the nature of tentations, and how the devil beats in
tentations violently in the soul without reason, and dings
them in as it were, and threaps by bold assertions on the
soul what he would have it believe. As likewise, his prayers
did me good, especially when he spake of God's conde-
scendency, and man's stubbornness; and cited Ephraim,
whom God smote, "and he went on frowardly in his ways;
I have seen him, and will heal him." As likewise, the
marvellous light he gave to Scriptures, and manifested a
depth in them that I never perceived before, in the wonder-
ful connection of sentences: which did astonish me, and
made me see something evidencing a Godhead even in
them, a wonderful excellency hid in them. Lastly, His
cheerful conversation, not in a carnal way, but I thought
his joy was inward, proceeding from faith in God. For the
universal carnality of professors, with their discouragements,
living so short of their principles, did much help forward
my Atheism, as it made me think that a saint was but a
fancy; but truly I thought mine eyes saw something of a
saint and New Testament spirit in him, and was someway
persuaded, by seeing his holiness, his cheerfulness in God,
and his deep reach in spiritual mysteries, that there was a
God, and a holiness attainable. And such was the power
of God in him, that with his seasonable discourse and
prayer, he would charm, and calm, and quiet my storms,
even when I despaired of help, and thought it impossible;
though they would return again when I was gone from him.
Surely I received much good by him. tfhly, But that

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 93

which gave the dead-stroke to this tentation was this: When
I came from that minister's house, my atheistical thoughts
recurred and assaulted me in such a manner as my soul
was vexed unto death, that I could bide it no longer, and
through the violence of tentations was taken off my knees,
and unable so much as to knit four sentences together. I
at last sat down on my knees, and said to this purpose:
Lord, if Thou be, Thou art Almighty, and canst reveal so
much of Thyself as may convince me, and put away this
storm ; I desire thee therefore to give this proof of Thy
power and being, as this night to put away this storm, and
convince me there is a God, and that Thy Word is true.
Lord, be not offended with my peremptoriness, for I can
bear no longer: and, besides, "If Thou delay the revelation
of Thy mind herein, my suspicious heart will be ready to
say, that it was time that altered my condition: and, if this
very night Thou do, I will look upon it as a sufficient
demonstration of Thy being. Determine Thou the way
Thyself: I have opened my mouth. Lord, bow the heavens,
and give not, by the continuance of my trouble, such a
ground of cavil to the adversary against me, to make me
doubt Thou art the hearer of prayer. Immediately it was
suggested, Now hold by thy word, said Satan, and thou
shalt see God will not help thee this night, and let this
increase thy suspicions; for sure, if there were a God, He
would help when so put to it. But the Lord did bow the
heavens: for, sitting pensively at the fireside, and meditating
on some rational arguments for clearing of the verity of the
Scriptures, and not finding any but such as might be
shifted: at last it was suggested to me, and I was made to
fall on these considerations: What a fool hast thou been?
Art thou an Atheist because thou canst not prove there is a
God ? Or, is there no God because thou canst not demon-
stratively prove it? Suppose it possible then that a number
of honest men might lie, and that the world were so mad as
to believe them, and that this lie had been carried so secretly
on as never to be discovered, and all evidences to the con-

94 Memoirs of the

trary burned when the world universally turned Christians;
though this were possible, is it therefore true? Have you
ever seen an argument to prove there is no God, or that the
Scriptures are false? But grant that the Scriptures are true
(it is possible), what evidence could ye have of their truth
that ye have not ? The doctrine itself is contrary to flesh
and blood, against lying and juggling, confirmed by miracles,
done before the world and amidst enemies, for a long time
printed copies in so many thousand hands in different coun-
tries and kingdoms, delivered by the most holy, ingenuous,
and faithful men, and not contradicted by enemies. Suppose,
I say, all this course had been taken as the greatest evidence
of its truth, would there not still be place for such objections
as now thou heapest? What more evidence would you have
than this? Doth it follow, because such shifts may be given,
that therefore the doctrine is not true ? Might not all thy
answers thou givest be given against it, though undoubtedly
true? There appeared such an evidence in this reasoning,
the Lord shining upon it, that by the almighty power of
Christ my clouds did fly away; the bands in which I had
been secretly holden ever since I was born, but not openly
and violently kept, did in an instant break asunder, and all
my fears evanished, and there was a calm : in which God
did show much goodness, and power, and condescendency,
who looked so seasonably upon me; for, if this night had
passed over, the greatest evidence imaginable, I could have
gotten matter of objection against it. Some dregs of this
trouble remained, but I was delivered out of it ; and after
this continued half-a-year like one in a dead-throw, had little
sense, wrestling with several tentations and difficulties. About
this time there broke out a great sluice of profanity and per-
secution; the men of power cried down godliness, covenant,
and work of reformation ; godly ministers were deposed, and
wicked, scandalous ministers set up in their places; and none
counted loyal but such as could swear and health ; and god-
liness was a crime sufficient. Lord, what a world was this !
Nothing but drinking, swearing, mocking of godliness, and

Rev. lames Fraser of Brea. 95

the freedom of the country lost; for some three months after
this my condition was as the dawning of the day.

3. The ends of which dispensation were, is/, To give
proof to me of the Lord's condescendence7 and love; which
I very eminently saw in this. 2dly, To convince me by a
strong hand of my atheism, and, by healing me in such a
forlorn condition, showing an infinite power. For atheistical
thoughts came divers times before this to my door, but these
unclean spirits went out, and were not cast out, and there-
fore came again ; until that now, as it were in a pitched
battle, they were overthrown and cast out with a strong
hand, and never after was I troubled with them. 3^/j', To
awaken me out of security, and to keep from it in time to
come, that I might not rest in enjoyments, but, "forgetting
what is behind, may press forwards;" to keep me waking,
exercised and busy. I slept, and therefore this cry came.
^thly, To discover my wickedness, misery, and weakness,
when left of God and given up to myself: "Woe also unto
them when I leave them !" $thly, To put me out of conceit
with legal terrors; for I thought they were good, and only
esteemed them happy that were under them. They came,
but I found they did me ill ; and, unless the Lord had
guided me thus, I think I would have died doating after
them. 6thly, To mortify me to extraordinary enlargements;
for I found they never come but a clap comes after them.
That which so afflicted me, in this condition, was my ignor-
ance, and want of sufficient knowledge of the object of
believing, and too much haste in yielding to what Satan
said, and some evil principles I had; for I thought it was
sinful in me to seek to strengthen my soul, or to comfort it.
I did not remember former experiences.

4. From which I learn, 1st, Weak faith, or faith in the
beginning, is never able to endure assaults of tentations;
and, therefore, God Himself must help immediately, Mat.
viii. 25, 26. 2dly, There may be much of God in a dispen-
sation, and much to be learned, and yet not noticed at first
till a long time thereafter; for it is not long since I saw the

96 Memoirs of the

well of waters that was here, John xiii. 7; Duet. viii. 3, "In
the latter end you shall consider it." $dfy, As the devil
seeks to undermine folk in their strongest bulwarks, so must
the Lord with a strong hand convince of, and teach funda-
mental principles, and amongst the rest persuade that there
is a God, Mat. xvi. 17; 1 Cor. xii. 3. Natural belief and
evidence must vanish in supematurals. 4/^/r, No natural
or rational evidence is sufficient to convince of atheism; for
all that either I could meditate or read in books, could not
do my turn, nor cure my atheism, Mat. xvi. 17, "Flesh and
blood hath not revealed this." Peace is a created thing of
God, Isa. lvii. 19. S^Afy, Fears arising, in saints, from ten-
tations of atheism, do proceed from this ground, because
they suspect they are atheists; rather than from this, that
they indeed believe there is no God. For I feared I should
be damned for my atheism. 6thh\ Christ outshoots Satan
in his own bow. The devil sought by these tentations to
shake me loose of all my principles, and make me despair;
and God blessed it to be the mean of my establishing, Gen.
1. 20; Psal. cxix. 71. The Lord pitied me when He saw the
devil's violence; and, whatever the beginnings of trouble be,
yet the end is peace and good, ithly, There is no case
imaginable desperate, in which a man is to give over his
hope. For here was as hopeless a case as ever any was in,
there being no means to help, no grace in me, but stubborn-
ness, and wrestling with God, none able to help me, all
given over, the foundation shaken; and yet out of this was
I helped. St/i/y, Ere the devil be dung out of any principal
fort, there is ordinarily a great storm raised; he is not dung
out without noise. And principal substantial truths are not
cheap bought, gt/i/y, An evil under which the soul mourns,
is burdened, and which it loathes, will never destroy a man :
it is ills entertained that destroy the soul, \othly, God ever
helps, and never until extremity, Duet, xxxii. 36; Isa. xli.
17, when the spirit begins to fail. \ith/\\ While we are
here we must resolve to meet with one evil after another
to grapple with. Here is not the land of rest or peace: "In

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 97

the world ye shall have tribulation," either inward or out-
ward, or both, Jo. xvi. ult. I had no sooner come out of
the wilderness, and was thinking to "multiply my days as
the sand," in peace, but this storm came. "This is not
your rest; there remaineth a rest for the people of God."
\2thl)\ As there are troubles, so are there deliverances out
of troubles; "Many are the troubles of the righteous, but
the Lord delivereth him out of them all." No trouble is
a saint's dead-ill, it is not unto death, Psal. xxxiv. 19; but
"evil shall slay the wicked," verse 21. \$thly, God afflicts
in measure, He puts no more weight upon the soul than it
is able to bear. I had little or no outward afflictions to
grapple with; now, the Lord "stayed His east wind in the
day of His rough wind," Isa. xxvii. 8; the foundations of
the great deep, which afterwards broke out, were not yet
opened. 14//^/)', Violent tentations last not long; when the
devil turns violent, his best arrows are done: Nil vehemens
durabilc. \^thly, A saint's first exercises are ordinarily in
spirituals, ere he be set to conflict with outward troubles,
that he be not turned carnal by them, but being somewhat
acquainted with the Lord's ways, may be more spiritual in
his outward exercises. The Lord trains him up privately,
as it were, ere he set him out to fight, \6thly, As it is
ordinary with young beginners to refuse to be comforted,
and to join with Satan; so do they ordinarily fail herein,
and refuse to be comforted, thinking it sinful. I might
[have] had many things to comfort me, had I heeded; and
it is the worst they can do. ijt/ify, Although God saves
ordinarily by means, yet it is not any virtue that is in the
means, that helps, but it is the Lord concurring with this or
that mean. Although I grant an aptitude or rationality in
the means, yet by reason of the resistance in the subject,
they are ineffectual. It was a rational consideration saved
me, but I had rejected many greater evidences: and I found,
besides the rationality of the object, some other thing con-
curring, working physically. Mat. iv. 4; Hos. i. 7; Duet. yiii.
3. "That thou mightst know man liveth not by bread alone,

7

98 Memoirs of the

but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of
God." So that, 18 thly, I found not only a moral suasion
on the understanding and will, but even, besides, some
physical sensible touch of God's hand on the will, deter-
mining me and bowing me to assent, taking away the resist-
ance, igth/y, Pride and stubborness is the sting and life
of evils; and by submission the gall and venom and fire of
them is taken away. This fastens our bonds on us, Jam.
iv. 6, "God resists the proud." For, I said, I would be
content of terrors, but not to proceed from this ground of
atheism, but from God, to show me the evil of a natural
condition. When the Lord would remove His hand, I
would be discontent; now, said I, the Lord is gone, and
hath not done His work, and I am as graceless as ever.
2ot/ify, Seldom do mercies good when there is over much
peremptoriness in asking them. More submission would
have made my deliverance much sweeter, and thankfulness
and contentment with little mercies would bring in much
gain, Psal. lxxviii. 29. Another storm behoved to humble
me, and came a good while after, and did that which this
did not; only the Lord condescended to my importunity.
2\stly, Extraordinary enjoyments are not to be anxiously
desired, for they have "the day of adversity" set against
them, Eccl. vii. 14. "God hath set the one against the
other." 22dly, Grace will some way appear in a man's
lowest condition, though it be very weak. For I found
something of submission from that word, Micah vii. 9.
Love likewise appeared, and my heart said, "Though He
kill me, yet will I trust in Him." 23^/v, God will deliver
His people sometimes, though they be not very fitted for
a deliverance; and, though there be no preparation for Him,
He will come. For I may say, except prayer, which my
extremity put me to, there was no grace exercised; sin was
not made bitter to me, there was no humiliation, no patience,
no faith, no instruction learned, but roaring like a bull in
the net, and crying like the raven; and yet the Lord heard
that voice, and delivered me, though in His justice the

Rev, fames Fraser of Brea. 99

deliverance was not so sweet, as I observed before. 24/^/r,
My doubts of the being of a God did arise more through
want of a demonstrative argument to prove it positively,
than from any argument to prove directly there was no God;
for the devil never offered to prove that there was no God,
but put it on me to prove, and answered my arguments and
objections, which was hard to do; and because I could not
prove it effectually, I would conclude that therefore there
was no God.

SECTION 11.

Of a spiritual decay, and some afflictio?is I was trysted
with for the space of two years.

My pride, and hastiness to be delivered out of my last
sad exercise, was one reason, I think, that I received no
more profit than I did by it. Our desires are not always
best for us; the desires of the heart, and soul-leanness, go
together, Psal. cvi. 15. I was but a novice in believing, and
so not kept in perfect peace.

1. I was then to go South, being in the year 166 j, where
I stayed from November, I think, till October thereafter,
being to pay some money to a creditor, and to transact
with some debitors, being at this time twenty-one years of
age; as likewise some business did intervene there, which
took me up. It was now that I began some way to mind
business; I should have gone to the college, but I was
otherwise taken up. In a word, except it was to spend my
time, I knew no good I did all that time; only I wrote
some law. I came home at last, and was a little more
taken up in duty when at home than when afield, but made
no sensible progress, but was as it were in the dead-throw.

2. About this time my outward afflictions began to ap-
pear, and the Lord was bringing me low as to my condition
in the world, by means of a person who pretended right to
all we had in the world, and had some colour of law for it.

ioo Memoirs of the

our securites not being well buckled; and besides, he was
an active man. He called me South, being cited for that
effect; where being come, and destitute of friends and
money, the times being evil, and there being much corrup-
tion in Courts, and my adversary being in great favour, and
I unwilling to go to, and unskilful in law, and withal being
conscious to the weakness of my own securities, I was
forced and inclined to agree with him on what terms it
pleased himself, giving him much of 12,000 merks, which
was a considerable part of my interest; which to the ignorant
and unacquainted with my affairs (as all were beside myself)
did expose me to much disrespect and contempt, which I
was forced with patience to bear, and did make me to sail
with a low sail. About the same time likewise, I unad-
visedly bound for the sum of 8000 merks of provisions to
my sisters, they being to be married, and my mother life-
renting all my estate, which was not now above ^100
sterling per annum; which sums do daily run on interest,
and consume my stock. And much of this I looked on as
a punishment of my faults.

3. I lived and continued in these sins, which about this
time did mightily prevail against me; (1) I omitted the ex-
cellent and precious occasions of getting and doing good,
both in reference to myself and others, in spirituals and
temporals, where I had occasions of sermons, of fellowship
of saints, of books, of expeding business, and otherwise
accomplishing myself, Mat. xxii. 3; Heb. x. 25; Isa. lxv. 2;
Hos. viii. 22. Time was miserably mispent. (2) There
was much omission of private duties, of prayer, meditation,
and reading of the Scriptures; and these were either omitted,
or very slightly performed. (3) I lived in spiritual adulteries,
and gave myself to idols, to sensuality of meats, drinks, com-
pany, pastime, cards and dice; and, having "forsaken God,
the fountain of living waters, I hewed out to myself broken
cisterns that can hold no water." And in this life of plea-
sures I continued, notwithstanding of many challenges of
conscience. (4) I through this decayed in grace, lost my

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 101

assurance, peace, and strength, and became very unhearty
and indisposed. (5) Playing excessively at the unlawful
game of cards, spending much of the day and night therein,
and in reading of romances, notwithstanding of challenges.
(6) There was extraordinary lightness in my conversation,
especially with professors, when the sad times called for
mourning. The work of reformation was at this time
ruined; the eminent servants of Christ, some killed, some
banished, their livelihood taken from them, and all gener-
ally discountenanced; wickedness advanced, and godliness
borne down; faithful ministers cast from their charges, and
hirelings introduced, because they would not submit to the
accursed prelacy; and yet was I making mirth when mine
eyes were witnesses to all this. My outward tentations to
this were abundant divertisments, carnal company, and a
spirit of sloth.

4. Yet notwithstanding some life continued still, and the
burning bush was not consumed. The means that did me
good were: (1) I would pray once a day, at least in the
morning; and this kept me from putrifying altogether. (2)
Writing some practical divinity did me good, and put me
likewise in a frame. (3) On the Sabbath-day I would take
some more time, and the Lord would ordinarily meet me
with some life and affections; and then I would see the evil
of my ways, and return. (4) Extraordinary times for medi-
tation I would take; and, when sin and distance would come
to some height, I would retire and pour out my soul to God,
and by this means get good, and I would put on new resolu-
tions. (5) Afflictions now began likewise to work, and these
kept my eyes waking, and would make an impression upon
my spirit, and put me out to prayer, and would make mercies,
whether spiritual or temporal, swreet to me. (6) Some season-
able words I wrould hear sometimes in good books, or sermons,
or discourses, wThich did keep my bones green as it were, and
would keep in my dying life; and through this it came to
pass, that though I was much endangered by tentations, yet
not altogether destroyed.

102 Memoirs of the

5. God's end in this, for any thing I yet understand, was
to let me see the evil of the good of the world. For now,
having health, peace, liberty, company, divertisements, and
money, I became carnal, that so I might see the evils of the
world to be better than the good thereof. 2dly\ That the
remembrance of this mispent time might humble me after-
wards, that in the sense of this I might walk softly and in
bitterness, Hos. ix. 1; Isa. xxxviii. 15. 3^/)', That thereby
I might be the better assured of the Lord's everlasting love,
who now, when afresh provoked, did not forsake me, but
after all this returns. As, imo, What a mercy that I was
not taken away in my sins! If God should then have sum-
moned me, how unprepared had I been, and what a terror
would death then have been unto me? Ezek. xx. 8. 2do,
In keeping in the dying and consuming life, that I fell not
back altogether, and slept not the "sleep of death,"1 Exod.
iii. 2. 3//V?, In His pains and visitations, whereby my spirit
was upholder!. Oh, how did He warn me ! how did He
preserve my soul from falling, and dried mine eyes from
tears: One time, despairing almost of doing any good, I
was recovered and strengthened by that word, Duet. viii.
15, 16, "I led thee through a great and terrible wilderness,
that I might do thee good in the latter end." Another time
a graceless minister, of whom I expected nothing, did revive
my spirit against the fears of wants in the world, in a sermon
on these words, "Fear not, the hairs of your head are all
numbered;" and spake most pertinently to the case. 4/V;,
At last He delivered me. And will not this God that hath
accompanied me so far, carry me to the end?

6. From which I observe, 1st, The great wickedness and
power of sin that is in every man's heart, that, notwithstand-
ing of all means, will still be breaking out again and again.
O how great need of great watchfulness is there, and spiritual
dependence on God ! 2d/j>, God's own people to whom He
shows kindness, are not exempted from the greatest of evils,
such as sins, tentations, desertions, decays, and afflictions;
which should make us walk in fear and trembling, 2 Chron.

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 103

xxxii. 26. 3*//r, All the Lord's ways are mercy and truth to
them that fear Him; He brings good out of all evils; where
sin abounds, grace superabounds. I trust this shall do me
good, and make me 'Move much, because much is forgiven,"
PsaL xxv. 10. 4////1', Prosperity, ease, and the desires of
the soul, send leanness to the soul; the evils of the world
are much better than the good thereof, Prov. i. 32. It is
still better with me when I have least outward comforts.
$thh\ Whatever God suffers in others for a time, or what-
ever their own thoughts may be, yet will not God suffer
sin unpunished or uncorrected in professors, Amos iii. 2.
Though God be merciful, gracious, and long-suffering, yet
"by no means will He clear the guilty.'' Justice and mercy
kiss one another; for about this same time my outward
afflictions did begin, and the seeds of my future afflictions
were sown. 6/7//r, All means to recover out of a back-
slidden condition will be in vain, though they keep life until
the Lord Jesus' hour come, "In vain shalt thou use many
medicines," Jer. ii. 20, 22. >]thly, Prayer and meditation,
though not always effectual for the end intended, yet are
evermore profitable ; for though they did not altogether
recover me, yet this I find, they did preserve me from utter
falling: and so by experience I know the truth of this, "He
hath not said to the house of Jacob, Seek His face in vain;"
a great encouragement to duty, Heb. xi. 6; Job. xxi. 15.
For, ever since I remember, proportionable to my diligence
in seeking was my finding; nor made I ever any extra-
ordinary mint to seek God, but I found something extra-
ordinary. 8t/i/)', It is a concluded and resolved thing,
which will universally hold true of all the people of God,
That they shall not only have inward troubles, but likewise
outward troubles in and from the world, and find it (they
must) "vanity and vexation of spirit;" that their affections
may be weaned therefrom, and they made to seek another
rest, and their graces may be exercised, John xvi. ult.
9////)', The hasty concluding, we have no interest in God,
as it comes and is increased by security, so it is the ground

104 Memoirs of the

of apostacy, and produces much evil, imo, It offends God
by rubbing a lie on Him, and calling the work of His Spirit
a natural work or worse. 2do, Unthankfulness for so great
a work, the soul denying it. 3//V?, No love to God, as con-
ceiving Him yet a stranger. 4/0, No satisfaction, pleasure,
or delight in the Lord or His ways, because no interest in
them. 5/0, And, there being no rest in God, there is a
necessity of seeking it elsewhere in the creature. 6fo, The
hands weakened in seeking of God, since former pains are
ineffectual: What can I do, that I have not done already?
saith the soul, jmo, Hard thoughts of God as of an enemy
and evil-wisher to poor sinners, rather than as one willing to
save them, and that is their friend; seeing no means can
prevail with Him. But, \othly, and lastly , I learn a Chris-
tian's assurance or faith, though it do not firstly flow from
holiness, yet is ever proportionable to his holy walking.
Faith is kept in a pure conscience; sin is like a blot of
ink fallen upon our evidences. This I found as a truth,
and so will any not given up to the delusion of Anti-
nomianism.

SECTION III.

Of my recovery by faith.

Being thus kept for a while in bonds, and not able
to recover, I came home, and the Lord looked upon me
thus:

1. Being come home, and exceedingly afflicted with the
remembrance of misspent time, and the cloud that was upon
me, breaking out in outward troubles, being then in my
sister's, I resolved, seeing my case was extraordinary, and,
therefore, required an extraordinary remedy, and that fasting
and setting some reasonable time apart had been so blest
to me, I would try what the Lord would now do to me by
it. The causes were my unsettledness and low condition.
At that time I gave up myself to God to be directed by

Rev. James Fraser of Brea, 105

Him; and He led me by an unexpected way, which was by
convincing me of my unbelief, and humbling' me under it,
and drawing me by renewed acts of faith to Himself again.
The Lord made the strain of my discourse to run out on
faith and unbelief, which last I considered as the greatest of
evils. The considerations that then had influence upon me
were, 1st, Unbelief was the only and great sin of the Israel-
ites in the wilderness, for which the Lord was so angry, that
He "consumed their days in vanity," Ps. lxxviii. 32, 33,
because they did not trust in Him, nor believed Him for all
His wonders. 2dly, Unbelief reflects on God, and says as
much as, He is a liar, 1 John v. 10. An opinion of God's
infidelity and treachery is the foundation of unbelief, as His
truth is the ground of faith. $dfy, Unbelief is the mother
and womb of all the departings and apostacies of the soul
from God, Heb. iii. 12. Unbelief is the captain that strikes
the first stroke, and leads all the armies of spiritual evil
against us; our faith is the first thing that fails in us. /\.M)\
Unbelief is more heinous than the sin of Sodom, Mat. xi.
24 — more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrah than for un-
believing Capernaum. sMy, Unbelievers are amongst the
first and chief that shall be sent to the bottomless pit, Rev.
xxi. 8, "The fearful and unbelievers," etc. 6My, The Holy
Ghost, when He comes to convice of sin, convinces of this
most, John xvi. 9, "When He comes He will convince of
unbelief;" as though there were no sin but this, or in com-
parison of this, J My, Unbelief is a sin against love and
kindness, and the refusing of the offers of love; and this
wounds the Lord most. Anything but unkindness, Acts
xiii. 41 — therefore, "ye despisers, wonder and perish."
SMy, Unbelief is a sin against the person of Christ; "They
would have none of Me." 9 My, Unbelief is a sin that
makes the Lord lose much pains and travail. If a physician
would have gone to a far country, and with great pains have
brought a precious potion that only could heal his patient's
disease; if now the patient, after all this work, should spill
it, or break the vessel in which it were, would not this go

106 . Memoirs of the

very far to the physician's heart? So it is here; the Lord
Jesus hath come from the bosom of the Father, taught so
much, suffered so much, waited so long on thee, suffered so
much of thee, humbled thee, taken all the pains imaginable
on thee, and all to make thee believe, and which is only
able to do thee good; and wilt thou after all this refuse the
potion? lot/ify, Unbelief is a dangerous and strong evil,
that walks up and down the soul under the notion of humi-
lity, and can be hardly gotten away. With these considera-
tions which God did press home on my soul, through His
goodness and power, I was wrought on so powerfully and
sweetly to believe the sinfulness of unbelief, and evil thereof;
and the Lord commended faith so to me, that I found I was
drawn to Christ by an irresistible yet suitable power, and yet
so strongly, that I could not misbelieve, and was made to
resolve and promise never more to misbelieve. I was pas-
sive, and found a divine power in it. (2) From this there
proceeded a new heart, resolution, and strength. (3) All
sorrows and fears were removed, and I was much comforted,
quieted, and strengthened. (4) Strengthened to seek the
Lord and His ways. (5) Sin in general mortified, and a
particular sin, viz., playing at cards, quite felled, with which
I had so long wrestled in vain, and to which I had so great
an inclination that I continued in it against checks of con-
science: that sin, I say, this day received its death's wound;
so as I put on a thorough resolution never to use any of
these games and lottery, and this so effectually, that from
that day to this day I had never so much as an inclination
to it, which before I could hardly forbear; which gave me
great peace afterwards.

2. Nor were the immediate effects of this, while at home,
less blessed: For (1), I found a greater wisdom, strength,
and activity to go about civil business, which I could master
now. (2) I had some experience of the Lord's kindness in
some afflictions and trials I met with at the same time, in
supporting my spirit under them, and delivering my soul out
of them wonderfully by His own immediate power; which,

Rev. James Fraser oj Brea. 107

if God had not done, any of them might do much to break
me; these did not in the least dismay me. (3) I found
afflictions doing me good, and the rod was giving me instruc-
tion, and putting me to prayer in an extraordinary manner.
My heart likewise was mortified to the world, and God was
made sweet to me as my portion. (4) I got some know-
ledge in the covenant of grace, the grounds of believing, the
advantages thereof, and motives to it. With this my spirit
was most exercised, and, being called to another country, I
expressed much cheerfulness in my life and spiritual strength
in the Lord, crying out against discouragements and un-
belief, and pressing faith, and showing the grounds thereof;
for I found the the professors thereof to be altogether dis-
couraged with unbelief and a spirit of bondage, for applica-
tion of promises was counted presumption, and I cannot
deny but I was some way useful to some of them. And
their great unbelief and slavish spirit did make me think
that ere long they would fall though they were eminent, and
so it fell out. (5) I began again to write diaries, and to
walk more closely and circumspectly with God. (6) Being
very dead afterwards, I went under great indisposition to
prayer at night, and I, through the Lord's providence, was
put to meditate on the Lord's way of doing me good, and
the communion I had with Him at my first acquaintance.
The Lord so blessed these thoughts that they strangely
revived and stirred me up to a more vigorous following of
God, which continued and increased for much of a quarter
of a year, in which time I was fully growing. (7) The Lord
did put me now to meditate on more substantial truths than
formerly, viz., the evil of sin, God's attributes, death, hell,
and heaven, of indispositions, which did me much good.
(8) The buds of true sincerity and purity of ends and actions
were now appearing; and I then began first to think that
possibly I was converted. (9) The Scriptures were exceed-
ing sweet to me, and I began to see and feel more light, and
power, and wisdom in them than ever before, especially the
Epistle to the Romans, which did much stablish me in

108 Memoirs of the

believing. Gifts increased, so was the outward conver-
sation reformed. (10) Several practical and speculative
discourses which I did write, especially on afflictions,
did me good; solitude, prayer, doing good to others, and
strictness in walking, did me much good, so did my
meditations on sin, on the attributes of God, on afflictions
likewise.

3, Although there was enmity set between me and my
lusts, yet not being thoroughly mortified, and they getting
leave, did make me unstable in my ways; so that, like the
sluggard, "I roasted not what I took in hunting," and
beginning to succeed in some affairs, and carrying business,
and growing in some estimation with others, my heart, not
well balanced, was lifted up, and I was projecting great
things to myself, and dealing imperiously with some under
my power. Likewise some of my carnal relations at the
same time being men of account, coming out of the South,
and having ado with them, I but too much sought to
humour them, and to comply with their fashions and sinful
customs of healthing, which did much untune me, and wear
away some of the former impressions.

4. From all which I observe and learn these things: 1st,
That faith is the life of a Christian and the main grace, Isa.
lv. 3; Hab. ii. 4; Rom. i. 17; Heb. x. 38; Gal. ii. 20. 2dfy,
That faith is wrought by the power of God, in which the
soul is passive, though faith itself be an act of the soul; for
I was overpowered in believing and drawn to God. $dfy,
That faith hath a great influence on sanctification, so that
one main reason of so little power against sin, so little holi-
ness in life and conversation, is the want of the exercise of
faith, and through a spirit of bondage, 1 Pet. i. 5 ; Mark ix.
19, 23; Heb. xi. 33. By faith righteousness is wrought, and
all apostacy proceeds from a decay of faith, ^thly, Where
Christ hath begun a good work, He will continue still to
perfect it, Phil. i. 6. 5^/z/)', Faith and every other grace is
at first but very imperfect, Matth. xiii. 31 — "like a grain of
mustard-seed." 6M/r, God doth not always deliver in that

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 109

way and manner that is thought or designed by the poor
soul itself, but in an unexpected and oftentimes contrary
way. For I designed a fast to see if the Lord would break
in with terror upon my soul, and that was the way by which
I thought to return out of my backsliding, and, behold, the
Lord helped, by pressing and helping to believe, 2 Kings v.
11; Prov. iii. 5; Isa. lv. 8. ithly, Faith is the first grace in
exercise, prior in time to any other, John vi. 29; Jer. xxxi.
19, "After I was turned, I smote upon my thigh." And he
that would do anything, let him hx his faith first, for "what-
ever is not done in faith is sin." 8//z/j', As faith and other
graces have their flo wings, so have they and will have their
ebbings; they have their winters and summers, none must
expect constant and uninterrupted growth; they have their
witherings, that dependence and fresh application may be
made to Christ, and that Christ for a renewed life may put
a renewed obligation on the soul, Isa. xxxiii. 24; Psalm cii.
26; 1 Pet. i. 24. Let none expect constant health. It is
said of the heavens, "Thou shalt change them, and they
shall be changed." gt/ify, Days and times set apart extra-
ordinarily, on some extraordinary occasions, are exceeding
useful and profitable (if not needful) to the preservation of
a Christian life; nor know I how folks can be Christians
without it. There were occasional sacrifices as well as the
daily burnt-offering, and days and times extraordinarily for
extraordinary occasions. It is true, they are not stinted
now under the Gospel, nor holy by precept, as they were;
but there is this moral in them that yet obliges, that extra-
ordinary mercies or troubles should have proportional extra-
ordinary worship and address to God. For my own part, I
cannot express how needful, yea, how profitable and neces-
sary these days have been — what others may do I know not.
And I look on the neglect of extraordinary address to God
as one main cause why there are so many decayed, and are
but high-way Christians.

no Memoirs of the

SECTION IV.

Of some after troubles and decays that befell me, and
recoveries thereout, 1663.

1. Being delivered now from all my fears, and my day
clearing as to my spiritual condition and better hopes of
temporal affairs, I was anew plunged in a sea of troubles
when I did scarce dream of it. For falling out with some
of my relations unadvisedly, and egged on by others, anent
some civil matters, I pursued them at law, and spent more
on it than the matter was worth, and that merely on the
account of my credit and reputation. Where there wanted
not diligence and success as to my part, but God put visible
hinderances in the way, and I was led merely by my inclina-
tions, and did not advise with the Lord. 2dfy, At first,
through want of occasions to pray, and manifold tentations,
and want of good company, and much distracted with what
I intended, and quartering in a change-house, I fell in some
considerable decay, and began to be remiss in my progress,
and to grow dead, and dull, and untender, and the Lord's
communications did dry up upon my soul, and now I began
to forget former things; and this continued July and August.
$d/y, I changed my quarters in town, being unsatisfied with
my former, and the inconvenience thereof, and took up my
chamber in a godly man's house, an outed minister, where,
through his godly conversation, and some more pains taken
in duties, and his godly spiritual sermons on the Sabbath-
day, and my withdrawing from hearing curates, but especi-
ally through the Lord's pouring out of His Spirit, and
drawing near to my soul, I began again to recover, and in
process of time not only recovered what I lost but much
more. The unregarded vineyard was now looked to again,
and communion with God set on foot, and my taste of
spiritual truths returned again. Here I stayed till the
middle of October. Athly, One Sabbath-day especially,
when alone, and at first perceiving nothing, and under great

Rev. James Fraser of Brea, 1 1 1

deadness, and upon the point of giving over, the Lord was
pleased unexpectedly to draw near, and to concur so with
my exercises, as that through the light of His Spirit I was
made to see much of my good estate, and to behold the
work of God in my soul, to discover the many mistakes I
had that before kept me in darkness and bondage, through
which I was so enlightened and strengthened that it was a
recovery of health after sickness, and like the sun getting
out from under the cloud; in the strength of which I went
afterwards, and by this day's exercise did much advance in
my journey. And the truths of the Lord then taught me
were of special use ever afterwards to me. $thly, I here
likewise got some extraordinary visits from the Lord both
in prayer and other exercises, especially in reading of the
Scriptures. But it was pressed on my spirit, and I was
followed with it, "That bonds and afflictions were abiding
me," which accordingly fell out. 6t/ify, I succeeded as to
my business for which I came South, having got the law
with much pains and expenses against those who did com-
pete with me, they not striving much against it, but going
another way to work. ithly, Here, likewise, taking but too
great a liberty to converse with Quakers, I was, through
some of their insinuations and reading of their books,
tempted to join with them, and a great stir upon my spirit.
But going to pray to God, and recommending my stagger-
ing spirit to Him, the Lord made such a light to shine in
my soul from His Word, that did let me see the utter evil
of their way, and how cross it was to God's will, the danger
and inconsistency of it with salvation, so as I was made to
look on them as the greatest enemies to Christ of any He
had, and the effects of the wrath of God to punish such as
had not received the truth in love. This was a week's exer-
cise to me. The means were prayer, submission, seasonably
suggested Scriptures, and some meditation on their way:
but that which did most alienate me from them was, I saw
them more zealous for spreading their opinion than drawing
to Christ. I saw or heard little of His praises in their

ii2 Memoirs of the

mouths; the end of their conversation was not Christ. 2dly,
I thought on the main controverted principles, and clearly
saw them of the devil. I looked on the inward testimony
and guiding of the spirit (as they say) in the heart, but as a
device of Satan to cast off the Scriptures, that he, deluding
their spirits, and they giving way to their own corrupt imag-
inations, might close with any evil he should suggest; and
besides, I saw it flat contrary to the Scriptures by which
Christ was led, and which were given that we might believe
and learn to fear God. 3^/r, They denied the sovereignty
of God in maintaining free-will and all in man's power,
which I saw manifestly cross to the Scriptures, -\thly, I saw
clearly that they walked in a covenant of works; jbr their
way of justification and happiness was only taking heed to
the light within, and obeying it, and by so doing to come to
eternal life; and this I could never digest. $thly, I looked
on their casting aside a standing ministry and ordinances,
and not praying but when the Spirit moveth, as so many
hellish inventions of Satan, and great presumptuous arro-
gancy, and the effects of a slothful spirit, and the design of
all to draw from the simplicity of the Gospel. 6th!\\ I saw
they walked by sense and feeling, and not by faith. 7 //£/)',
I saw and considered that those that they made their prey
were ordinarily but only old jaded professors, that never
found the constant satisfying sweetness of their own religion,
and in time wearying of it, and not able to resist the strong
temptations of spiritual enemies, and in a word wanting rest
in Christ, because never truly united to Him, have in time
withered, and, like the unclean spirit, seeking rest and find-
ing none, have here at last stumbled. Nor have I ever
been stumbled at any who fell that way, being known to
have sense predominant in them that in time would lead
them to it. In a word, I never knew any extraordinary
tender walker, and knowing, continuing so, that stumbled
in this: and this delusion seemed to me to be a particular
judgment on adulterous professors, whereas the Gospel takes
and apprehends all sorts. 8////)', I considered, that if there

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 113

was any thing commendable in them, such as their unwilling-
ness to pray rashly, but in the Spirit, their waiting and close
attending on the Spirit, their mortification to the world,
their self-denial, their sobriety and temperance in all things,
their freedom in reproving all sorts, and their diligence in
exhorting all — I say, if there was any thing like this com-
mendable in them, our own principles did lead us to these
things, however we generally in our practice come short;
and I looked on this foolish people as stirred up of God to
upbraid His own people, and to teach them these things
which they so much press. These things, with their
personal infirmities and weakness which I observed, with
other reasons which I now remember not, through the
Lord's blessing had such influence as made me utterly
abhor them, the Lord in all this instructing me with a
strong hand.

2. During this time likewise I began to forsake the
prelates and curates, and did forbear to hear them. The
steps by which I went were: (1) For a long time I heard
without any scruple, but never could I get any good, and
I found the outward ordinances do me less good than
formerly; yea, when privately, I got good; nor could I
after examination find any cause in me of this. (2) The
curate's preaching did me ill at last, insomuch, that when
I would come to sermon in any frame, I wTould come from
it dead and heartless; and, when I went indisposed, I
would be far worse. Thus I continued for a long time:
and many times I observed this, but could not imagine the
cause: yet at length I wras suspicious that this might be
the cause, especially when withdrawing became a doubt-
some case in the kingdom, which began to be about the
time that there was an act made against it. (3) Suspecting
the matter, I began to examine it; and at first view my
affections began to be engaged for the negative, ere yet my
iudgment was determined; and, by looking to it, I found
the weakness of the chief grounds for hearing, by consider-
ing that the naked act of preaching was not an ordinance

1 1 4 Memoirs of the

of God (otherwise women, madmen, children, yea, and
devils, could preach) unless by men sent. I saw likewise
that the Church could not make choice of them whom God
had in His Word discharged. I saw likewise that we might
separate from those that were never excommunicate. I was
convinced likewise that the true visible Church did not
stand so much in the multitude as in the serious professors
of the truths of God-; and that these few, continuing faith-
ful, were rather to be followed than the multitude. Having
laid these principles, a door was opened. (4) I went a good
while contrary to my inclinations; and one day going, I
was compelled to return back again, and durst not for terror
go forwards. Upon which I prayed to God, that if He were
displeased with my going, He would gave me some sign
thereof, and that He might be pleased to bless my private
exercises; which the Lord did, so as, in one afternoon while
private, I gained more life and knowledge of God than I
did a whole year before; by which I was much confirmed.

(5) About the same time many providential considerations
had influence with me; the universality of the godly and
tenderest leaving them daily; the extraordinary influence of
God's Spirit on myself and others when separate from them;
some sad consequences following such as did hear them; as
likewise, I heard and knew of some under exercise for hear-
ing of them, which much confirmed me, and made me think
that God did own us in not hearing. I found that made
out to me, "Be ye separate, and I will be a father to you."

(6) By searching into the matter as a case of conscience,
I found positive grounds for judgi-ng "withdrawing from
them" a seasonable duty; as the frequent commands of
God, to "separate from,'' to "let alone," and "beware of,"
and "flee from'' corrupt guides, John x. 5; Mat. xv. 14. I
thought the consequence of hearing to be a hardening and
strengthening of them in their courses, and a destruction to
the work of God: I looked on it as against nature to join
and keep fellowship with such rebels, that were so signally
and avowedly against the Lord in arms; and I thought love

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 115

to God compelled me to leave them. I likewise looked on
hearing of them (as it was an act of worship), an owning
of the authority of prelates; for "He that receiveth you,
receiveth Me; and He that receiveth Me, receiveth Him
that sent Me." For obedience to officers, when it is active,
is an acknowledgment of their authority. I conceived I
was otherwise bound by the covenant. And, lastly, I
judged my respect to the poor people of God, and who
were generally injured for this cause, should make me run
into them, and take the same lot with them in life or death,
especially seeing they suffered upon that account. (7) Being
to die, there was nothing that in my conscience got such
an approbation from God as my separation from them.
And (8) To confirm all, I besought God by fasting on a
day of humilation set apart on purpose for this effect,
beseeching God to reveal His mind unto me in this case;
the result of which was, that there were new grounds given
me of separation from them, and my former grounds con-
firmed; so that I continued in a separation from them to
this day. Thus was I drawn from curates, and by these
means, being now six years almost since I first left them.

3. And now, being a little strengthened, and looking
for good days, a cloud came and darkened my sky; for a
grievous storm of outward afflictions did break out, which
did indeed win into my soul, and which did increase and
draw my former afflictions to a head; the steps of which
were these: (1) The great law business for which I came
South, and had gotten done, was at once casten in the hows
by those whose names I had borrowed to the pursuit, they
discharging it; by which means my reputation was lost, and
what I should gain by it; as likewise all my preparations
against some debitors were made void, and I looked on
this at that time no less than the loss of ^20,000. (2)
I lost through my absence from the North, and want of
advertisement South, 800 merks per annum, which were
comprised formerly, and now recovered by the creditors,
which afterwards I strove to hinder all I could, and to

1 1 6 Memoirs of the

regain, but all in vain, and to no purpose, but laying out of
needless expenses; so as I behoved to live on my mother's
bounty, and had not wherewith to spend or do business.
(3) And, to help this, other 200 merks per annum were
evicted from me about the same time, through want of
money to defend it, and bad securites. (4) Nor was this
enough. After I came home I could not get rest nor free-
dom to enjoy myself, but was charged before two courts
at one time most violently, for no less than 12,000 merks
alleged due by my father, and a wrongous ejection, which
kept me continually travelling, and put me to great charges
to maintain these two actions, being likewise at the same
time charged South. (5) There were likewise some small
debts which I was owing here and there, extending in all to
^1000, for which I was daily harassed by several persons,
so that South, North, East, and West, I could not turn me
where I had not a creditor — which I confess troubled me
more than all the rest, as having my credit engaged therein;
and that which I had ordered to pay them was taken away,
nor knew I what to do. One mercy I had, my health was
continued. (6) Nothing now remained of all my father's
great fortune but a small wadset of sixteen chalders, life-
rented likewise by my mother. And about the same time
a new (though an unjust) adversary charges both her and
me for 36,000 merks, and a reduction of our rights; so that
our whole livelihood was either gone or at stake. For four
years did this adversary vex us, and was like to have undone
us as to our temporal condition, had not the Lord pre-
vented. (7) To this was added contempt and reproach; I
was the table-talk of the times then ; " Behold a man
smitten of God." I was a sign and wonder; the people of
God were grieved; my nearest and surest friends forsook
and looked strange on me, of whose kindness now I had
proof, and whom of purpose I tried, though I knew they
would not help me; I was as a burden to them, and by
them despised. And whoever had any thing to say, did now
strike in against me; my enemies rejoiced, and myself at

Rev, fames Eraser of Brea. 1 1 7

first was sore sunken. (8) And, to complete all, there was
no returning to Him that smote me, and my strokes felled
me, and at first I decayed in my spiritual condition; and
thus was my spiritual condition from October to January
1665; all things were low both spiritually and temporally.

4. The causes of these my troubles were either outward
or from myself. The outward causes were, my authors' bad
securities in their heritages, which were questioned in my
time. (2) My father's cautionary for others, which hath
been 48,000 merks out of my way. (3) His dying so soon,
and leaving me so young. (4) The unskilfulness and negli-
gence of those whom he intrusted with the management
thereof; for nothing was looked to after he was gone, and
all was destroyed ere I was twenty years of age. (5) Evil
friends, some slighting us and denying us help; others, out
of envy to my father, employing all their power to harm us,
which succeeded. (6) Evil times, so as I durst scarce appear
to do any thing, those whom I had to do with being in
court, and I being hated for my principles; and all things
went by moyen and bribing, so as I was forced to agree
with them in the terms they pleased. Secondly, The cause
inward from myself was sin; as (1) I suppose my relations'
sins had influence on this storm, for I found great freedom
in confessing them. (2) We were a professing family, and
did not walk suitably thereunto, but like the world. (3)
My carnality, and desires to be great with men, and my too
much esteeming, prizing, and desiring of outward greatness,
and comforts. (4) Faithlessness in dealing with others,
seeking by law-tricks to secure our interests, and dissimula-
tion in bargaining. (5) Not acknowledging of God in all
our ways, but doing all things without His advice, and
running to this or the other outward help. (6) Pride, and
stoutness of heart, which God hath been crushing. (7)
Breach of vows and engagements, especially of dedicating
myself to the service of God in the ministry. (8) Incor-
rigibleness under ordinances, convictions, and lesser jud-
ments; therefore did the Lord take the rod, Exod. xx. 5;

1 1 8 Memoirs of the

Job v. 4, 5. (2) Amos iii. 2; Ezek. xxxvi. 20. (3) Isa. lvii.
17; Jer. vi. 12, 13. (4) Jer. vi. 13. (5) Hos. viii. 3, 4;
Isa. xxxi. 1. (6) James iv. 6; Isa. xxviii. 1. (7) Eccles. v.
4, 5. (8) Amos iv. 6; Isa. vi. 9, 11. Thirdly, The Lord's
ends were, as I suppose, ist9 To reform and heal me, Isa.
xxvii. 9. 2dfy, To humble my heart, and break it; to break
the pride, stoutness, hardness, and lightness thereof, Deut.
viii. 2. 3^/r, To deaden me to the world, and to friends
and relations; and, therefore, made me find such bitterness,
vexation, vanity, and disappointments from it. No friend
or relation ever I had but failed and disobliged me, Hos. ii.
6, 7; Micah ii. 10. 4/^/v, To give me experience of His
love in delivering me out of all these troubles, and support-
ing me under them, Rom. v. 3, 4, 5, to do me good in my
latter end, Deut. viii. 15, 16, to prepare me for this. 5 //$/)',
That I might be fitted and enabled to direct and comfort
others in their afflictions, 2 Cor. i. 4. 6thly, To draw me to
Himself, and seek Him more earnestly, Isa. xxvi. 8. Jth/v,
To keep me from rotting and dying, and to hold me waking;
therefore hath He been constantly exercising me, Isa. xxxviii.
16. "By these things shall men live." Sthfy, To learn,
exercise, and increase faith and patience, James i. 2, 3.
gthfy, To keep me with Himself in these times, and to pre-
serve me from the snares of an evil time, which now I find
rich men exposed unto. And, indeed, I found much good
by all these dispensations; for by the sadness of the counten-
ance I find my heart bettered and mortified to. the world,
and I draw nearer to God, and kept waking, and have
experience of the Lord's goodness, so that I may say,
" It is good for me that I have been afflicted."' One
thing I am sure of, I would never have kythed so much
for Him as I do now. In a word, the Lord hath so
blessed His rod to me, as I find all these ends and fruits
of righteousness wrought on me, so as I may say, I had
perished unless I had perished (periissem nisi periissem).
The world and the "prosperity of fools hath destroyed"
many; "they have no changes, and, therefore, fear not

Rev. Jamts Fraser of Brea. tiq

God;" and "they are settled on their lees." Blessed be
the Lord for inward and outward exercises and troubles.

5. I learn and observe these things: (1) Outward pros-
perity puffs up the heart, Deut. xxxii. 15. (2) As a man
thrives in the world, so hath he friends in the world : I
found their kindness ebb and flow as my fortune did, Lam.
i. 8; Ezek. xvi. 37. (3) When God afflicts, it is in earnest
and not in jest, Ezek. ii. 4, 5 : 1 Sam. iii. 12: Jer. iv. 12, a
full wind, and vi. 19, I felt this storm. (4) There is need
of great heaviness; light strokes will not do the turn, and,
therefore, the furnace is made the hotter. (5) It is the
ordinary lot of God's people, and they must lay their
account with it, to find trouble in and from the world,
John xvi. ult. "Through much tribulation we must enter
into the kingdom of God.'" (6) All inventions and means
are in vain to deliver out of trouble till the acceptable year
come. "In vain shalt thou use many medicines." All
means were broken. (7) The storms of God's people may
last long, so as they may be put to cry, "How long?"
and their whole years spent in sighing, Psal. xiii. 1. (8)
The want of the company of God's people is a great evil,
and a great step to defection; I found the loss of it. Eccl.
iv. 10, "Woe to him that is alone." (9) Their company
is a great mercy, and a blessed mean to beget life, 1 Pet.
iii. 1, to maintain it and recover life, Eccl. iv. 9, 10, 11, 12.
Through good company I recovered again. (10) No greater
curse than for a man to get his will and desires in the
wrorld. I ever got a wound when I had the desires of my
heart; then leanness was sent to my soul, (n) Whatever
sin the Lord lets go with His people, yet will He not let
pride go with them. I was seeking to be great in the
world, James iv. 6; 2 Chron. xxxii. 25. (12) Ordinarily
men at first get no good by afflictions, but are rather worse,
and are felled under them, Hosea ii. 6, 7; Isa. Ivii. 17.
(13) The crosses of the people of God are still and ever
sanctified unto them really, "for it shall accomplish that
whereunto it is sent," and, therefore, they are blessed things.

120 Memoirs of the

"It is good for me that I have been afflicted/' Heb. xii. n.
(14) The good is not presently seen, though it be, but there
is much corruption seen; God doth good, though we see it
not. "They knew not that I healed them,'" Hosea xi. 3.
"In the latter end ye shall consider it." (15) God shows
much mercy in affliction; He lays it not on till they be
able to bear it, and He "stays His rough wind in the day
of His east wind." The Lord gave some mitigation and a
breathing time, and strengthened the soul, and by His visi-
tations upheld it, Psal. cxxxviii. 3, lest they should be swal
lowed up of grief and sorrow. (16) As the people of God
are graciously exercised under trouble, so doth there much
ill blood come out too. I dare not say but grace was exer-
cised, but Oh how much corruption was there ! how much
fainting, murmuring, unbelief, and seeking to carnal means
was there! and how slowly did my dross go away! (17)
The beginning of a Christian warfare and life is the hardest,
and the entry is straitest. "The latter end is peace;" "to
do thee good in thy latter end." (18) Sin and afflictions do
ordinarily tryst together, and sin is the sting of crosses ;
"The sting of death is sin." A proud, murmuring, sinful
heart makes weights and burdens painful. (19) God's love
is more seen in comforting and strengthening under trouble
than in delivering from it, Luke xii. 32. (20) God is the
only comforter of His people under afflictions. "In Thee
the fatherless findeth mercy; in Me ye shall have peace."

SECTION V.

Of my recovery out of decays and afflictions.

1. Being in this forsaken and desolate case, and none to
pity, it pleased the Lord to look upon me, and to give my
soul a resting-place when forsaken of all others; He was the
only friend in adversity. (1) He strengthened my soul by
comfortable words, allaying thereby the extremity of my
afflictions — then did He say unto me, "Why art thou dis-

Rev. James Eraser of Urea. 1 2 1

quieted?" Is there any thing but what is ordinary befallen
thee? Are there not many thousands that would change
conditions with thee? All this is but bainrs-play to what
others have suffered. Is it not good that thou art thus
afflicted? Thou hast much of Christ's compassion, and
pity, and tenderness; it may be He will do thee good for
this. It is good that this is the vengeance He takes for all
that thou hast done — "Chastened of the Lord, that thou
mayest not be condemned with the world." Poor soul,
what hast thou lost? Thy loss hath been only the things
of the world, in which no part of thy happiness doth consist.
Art thou not in thy Father's hand? and will not thy Tutor
order all things well? Men and devils can do no more
than He prescribes, and dost thou fear evil from that airth?
And shouldst thou not bear all that comes from Him? But
consider further, wouldst thou yet exchange states with the
mad world? All thy adversaries, in all likelihood, that are
now making merry, are to burn in Hell for ever. Is thy
misery any thing to these? Wait, therefore, upon God. A
little time will blow over this storm, it is so violent that it
cannot last long. And though thy case be very sad, yet is
it not beyond the reach of God's power; yea, for all this
thou shalt bless the day that ever thou wast afflicted. Afflic-
tions are good things, else had they never been left in legacy
by Christ, nor promised in the new covenant. With these
and the like considerations was my soul several times in my
extremity refreshed and allayed. (2) I would get much ease
sometimes by pouring out of my soul to God in prayer, and
showing Him my case, which at first I could not win unto.
(3) I had general letters of loosing arrestments; some persons
were left out; I was counselled, in respect it was just, and
did proceed upon an omission and sloth, to insert and inter-
line the other persons, and to execute it particularly. To
which I condescended at first, but afterwards I had scruples
of it, imagining it to be illegal; and though it was just, yet
there should be so much respect to the law as not to contra-
vene it or to lie on it. Being in this strait, and bound for

122 Memoirs of the

two days' space, I could get none prayed, the Lord thereby
showing Himself displeased with such a procedure. I did
all I could to clear my conscience, but the more was I
bound and straitened; and to satisfy my conscience my will
could not condescend. Thus was I racked betwixt con-
science and interest, each of them imprisoning me. At last
I prayed to the Lord, that with His power He would bow
my will to His. The Lord heard, and convinced me of the
sinfulness and inconveniency of the thing, and of my duty.
Well, then, quoth I, as delivered from a prison, though I
should lose 10,000 merks by it, I will not displease the
Lord's deputy; let me have war with all, but peace with
God, let the hazard and prejudice be what it can; and
thereupon immediately and fully resolved to forego my
interest, and leave the Lord to recompense me. Which,
when I had once win unto, immediately there came
a sweet calm into my soul, access to God, my mouth
opened in prayer, my bonds loosed, my spirit comforted
and strengthened, and an extraordinary sweetness found
in complying with the Lord's will, and, at the same time,
strengthened to bear all my burdens, and cheerfully to
undergo them; got light what to do, so as the next day
I execute what I resolved, my friends in the meantime
chiding with me, and thinking me a gone man that stood
on such a scruple. (4) Quickly did the Lord reward me
even outwardly; for my adversary that had charged me
for a spulzie, and had it to his probation before the Sheriff-
court, insisting violently; and I, ignorant what defences
to make, had in my company a registrate horning, which
I accidentally and without premeditation (God putting it
in my mind at the same time) did cast in, by which he,
being the King's rebel, was incapacitate from pursuing me.
And the Lord so ordered it that he never after compeared
to trouble me, by which means I was delivered from a
loss and a fashery, and had but one court to wait upon.
(5) Being pursued before the Commissar-court likewise for
9000 merks resting by my father, the Lord in that showed

Rev. James Fraser of Brca. 123

me kindness, notwithstanding of the greatness of the sum,
the power, knowledge, influence, and activity of my ad- .
rv : and notwithstanding his process was very well
fixed, and that I wanted money, and none to lend me from
whom I was wont to borrow, and had no skill in law
matters then (I was then like the setting sun in my declin-
ing days, and looked on as a despised branch, withered,
that would never grow again; and that every one thought
the decreet should be quickly pronounced against me, yea,
and myself every day in daily expectations thereof), yet it
pleased God to stir up a stranger to lend me money, to
provide unexpected defences in some books of law, wherein
my case would at first start up, and therefrom be provided
with what to say in law against the next day. The time for
a whole half-year, in which ordinarily every week there was
a compearance, was protracted ; and when at last I was
adjudged to swear or otherwise be descerned, and I refusing
lest I should offend others, though I was clear in the
matter; the very day in which sentence was to be pro-
nounced against me, by threatening the judges with casting
in a horning against them, I got them for that day to delay
it. Which horning I came very accidentally by, and so not
only got it delayed, but my adversary, wearied with such
delays, and his commission at the same time taken away, he
gave over the pursuit, and never further troubled me till
this day; and I got, partly by reading and partly by plead-
ing and hearing the form, a competent measure of know-
ledge in the law.

2. At the same time I was growing in my spiritual
condition, recovering out of my decays, and increasing in
faith, in diligence, and in strength; likewise the evidence of
regeneration, in the duty of examination was discovered,
mistakes cleared, and buds of the new nature did appear
above ground; the Scriptures were very sweet, occasions of
meeting with God seldom in vain; this I had to counter-
balance my outward troubles, so that, as the Lord did bear
down with one hand, He supported with the other. One

124 Memoirs of the

time in F. I was , strongly en]ight_ened_iii. the mystery oLthe
Trinity; another night I was so taken up with the thoughts
of the love of Christ, and refreshed, that I awakened the
K whole winter night admiring Christ, and praying with suit
able affection, and at other times would spend two or three
hours in prayer. Likewise, at the same time, writing on the
Scriptures, I received much light, clearness, and sweetness
(we were then living in a burrows town). Several extra-
ordinary visits would the Lord bestow on me, remembering
my afflictions, by which I would oftentimes be carried above
the world. I wrote at this time a complete treatise of
afflictions and of conversion, as likewise finished a treatise
concerning the Scriptures almost, and wrote several things
on the attributes of God, and some other miscellanies, in
which I was extraordinarily assisted, and with which I was
very much benefitted; and although there was but one pro-
fessor in the town, and he clothed with many weaknesses,
yet did I find great advantage in his company, in praying
together and conferring. I likewise remember this, that
the Lord would be very kind to me (whilst others were at
sermon on the Lord's day) in private, and when others
would revile me, and look down upon me, and taunt me,
and vex me; so as, when friends looked aloof, the Lord
would draw near; insomuch that I knew not when I profited
more than now.

3. When we came home again, the Lord was no less
kind to me, yea, exceeded; and I was daily admitted to
nearer and nearer fellowship with Himself. And wherever
I was, God was with me, and continued thus till October.
(1) Writing several meditations did me much good, and
speaking unto the family. (2) About this time did I begin
to study faith and the covenant of grace. And one time,
from Rom. v., and from the consideration of baptism, was
I mightily strengthened in assurance and confidence, and
"the joy of the Lord" did I find to be "my strength." (3)
Another time, setting some time apart one afternoon for
examining my condition, though at first I was very indis-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 125

posed, yet the Lord so shined and countenanced me, as
that evidences were very clear, and I found undoubted
marks of sanctification, with which I was so enlightened
and refreshed, that in the strength thereof I walked many
days. (4) I discovered a marvellous and great depth in the
covenant of grace; I was much enlightened and strengthened
in the extent, freedom, and excellency thereof. I saw it a
very rational thing to believe, and among other considera-
tions that did much strengthen me, this was one, that God
required no other thing than to be content; so that, if I
were content, I needed no doubt. And why do I mourn
for want of Christ (said I), if I be not content? And I
thought and supposed, and put it home to my own soul,
if Christ would come down from heaven, and draw up such
a covenant, wherein Himself and all things were promised,
would I willingly subscribe this covenant? The Lord one
night began to apply this very strongly and clearly. Why
dost thou not this? It was "a night to be much remem-
bered" for ever. After going to bed, in August, the Lord
did so clear the covenant of grace, and by His Spirit made
me (at first dull and weak) apply and consent, and feed
upon these privileges as mine. Are all these things yours?
quoth the Spirit, why dost thou not feed upon them? Why
dost thou not "delight thyself in fatness?" Thou corn-
plainest of the want of life, strength, and comfort. Why
dost thou not come to the fire, that thou mayest be warm?
Here's the Lord's security for what thou wantest. If thou
hadst thy friend's security for money, thou wouldst be glad;
and hast thou not the Lord's in thy Bible? and may not
heaven, Christ, and holiness, satisfy thee? And with this
there came such a mighty gale of the Spirit that took away
all my confusions, that made my soul apply Christ and all
His benefits, answered all my objections so fully and clearly,
and made me strongly to apply the promises; insomuch
that I found Christ a sweet and satisfying thing; I found
His flesh meat indeed, and His blood drink indeed; all
fears were driven away; the Gospel privileges appeared

126 Memoirs of the

exceeding sweet, so as I spent the whole night in prayer
and praising and rejoicing, wishing now for the morning,
that I might do mightily for the Lord. My very body was
weakened with the abundance of the joy of faith, arising
from a sense of an interest in God. I was likewise very
evangelical in my actings, considering all actions as the
Lord's service, and myself and all things the Lord's; walk-
ing in great peace and glorifying God, endeavouring to
encourage others. I now began to think how to lay a bar
on the doors, to keep the Lord Jesus that He should not
depart again. I thought the covenant of grace would be
an everlasting foundation of peace; there was more sweet-
ness found in duties than ordinarily, and more strength to
glorify Him, and greater peace and serenity of mind, though
my daily wanderings did continue, and I was not altogether
fixed, a storm behoved to do that. Likewise at the same
time I received much knowledge and comfort from Mr
Goodwin's works, especially in his " Growth of Grace,"
which answered, as face doth to face, to the frame of my
spirit. The Lord's dealings with me now I have written
largely elsewhere in my daily diary.

4. Six days after this was Satan let loose, and He brangled
all my evidences and comforts. The grounds were, because
I found not after some time the comfortable and satisfying
sense of these things remaining upon my spirit; and, next,
because it came not after deep humiliation and horrors;
and, lastly, because many of my old sins continued, as
likewise there were some apprehensions of wrath immedi-
ately darted upon my soul, which at first staggered me, and
made me hang down the head as I used to do. But then
I thought, it is childish with the first view of things to be
cast down, and to be over credulous, and led like a child by
my blind apprehensions. What know I but Satan may have
a hand in this? I will therefore try this, and look ere I
leap, and examine the matter ere I conclude any thing, and
so resolved to ding out the bottom of it: and, therefore, I
began to say unto my soul, "Why art thou cast down?"

Rev. James Ftaser of Brea. 127

And after inquiry I found the cause of my trouble to he
doubting under the apprehensions of unsoundness, and that
there was never a real work wrought upon my spirit. I
further examined what ground was for this, and what made
this continual struggle in my spirit, Gen. xxv. 22, and after
search I found it to be, because at first there was not a clear
humbling work continuing till the glorious revelation of
Jesus to the soul. I proceeded to try what strength or
truth was in this, and I found a falsehood in the objection,
and grounded upon a mere imagination and allegeance,
seeing by search I found out a substantial work of humilia-
tion and preparation, though it did not agree in all circum-
stances with that work which hath been in others. I
discovered this but darkly at first, but more clearly after-
wards. I began to think why the Lord contended with me,
and did seem to be angry. In prayer it was revealed to
me that I might stand in awe, and fear, and not be so bold
in sinning against Him, and to count sin a weighty matter,
Exod. xx. 20. I lastly began to think what should be my
present carriage, and I thought three or four things were
very clearly and sweetly recommended to me: (1) Not to
give over, or despair. (2) Not to murmur, or fret, or
quarrel with God, but by quiet submission to yield unto
Him, and keep silence before Him. (3) Not to quit duty,
but ever in the use of means to wait on Him. (4) To be
watchful against sin, and not to make my breach greater
than it was. Through this exercise, and solid conclusion
laid, much of the venom of my exercise was taken away,
and Satan, finding me thus buckled, did leave me, and
tempted no more. It ended, that in reading a comfortable,
practical book, the Lord touched my affections, and drew
me to Himself, and comforted me, and by the shining of
the light of His countenance on my soul, all troubles
evanished, and I was made at the same time to see, that
I not only had grace, but there was sensible progress and
growth in it.

5. There followed upon this a certain decay during the

128 Memoirs of the

space of a year; this was about the end of 1664, and con-
tinued till the end of 1665, during which time I was usually,
though not always, at home. Now, this decay was but
from that height of spiritual joy, evangelicalness in working,
and degrees in communion with God ; there were more
tentations, less peace within, and less progress made in the
ways of God; so as I was made to live upon my old stock.
Attempts, when any were made, were frustrate, and things
which formerly relished had now no savour at all. It came
hereby to pass, that much dumpishness was upon my spirit,
and duties had no effect, so that I accounted the year 1665
an unfortunate year. God had so long not looked upon
me that I thought I was clean forgotten. Yet, notwith-
standing, all this time there was diligence in duties, and
some visits, quickenings, and encouragements, and yet far
below what I formerly received. Visitations were neither
so great nor the impressions so lasting. The procuring
causes of which were: (1) My going from home, where I
had freedom from trouble, much company and comforts to
take up my heart, as likewise my too great familiarity with
a conformist, and delighting too much in his company,
Prov. xiii. 20, whereby his company was cursed to me. (2)
Sensuality when from home, and little minding of God. (3)
There was much pride in despising of others, and thinking
too much of myself and of my attainments, and something
of a supercilious carriage; therefore did the Lord bring me
low. (4) Evil company, and going to places where I had
no call, which did much prejudice. I was all this time
wrestling to get out of the pit, but was more engaged, con-
flicting with some horrors of darkness, writing several things
of faith, on obedience, on Christ's yoke, on diligence, on
Christ and His offices, taking pains on the family; there
was not much of the care of the world entrusted to me. I
likewise was encouraging of others.

6. But God, that loved me once, did continue to love
me to the end, and after many days visited me, so as I not
only recovered my former health, but set further forward

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 129

than ever I was, thus: (1) By opening the covenant of
grace more clearly than ever, and how that Christ was the
covenant of the people, and that all stood in Him, and fell 11 /
in Him; and that He .only was the ground of their joy,
hope, and confidence. And that God was first in the
obligation of the covenant of grace, and that there was no
tie on the creature, but the same the creature had on God.
And I remember one time in private, the offer of Christ
was made appear so real, clear, and full to me, and my
duty of receiving so manifest, that I did very sensibly and
really accept thereof, which I thought was Christ dwelling
in the heart by faith. (2) At the same time I spoke in the
family on the first eleven chapters to the Romans, and read
Paul's Epistles through; by which I discovered a new light
of justification that I never perceived before, and of the
law, and of the combat betwixt the flesh and spirit. (3) I
received much strength from some private fasts I kept, to
the number of three, or four, or five, never using that duty
in vain. (4) About the same time in that month I had
frequent occasions of converse with godly, able, and exer-
cised Christians, some of them being in soul-trouble at the
time, by which many meetings were kept, and therein some-
thing of God, whereby I was much bettered. Though in
the meantime I found not the sensible effects of these occa-
sions, yet did they me good insensibly. (5) I went to

being called thereunto, and helped with extraordinary prayer
before, and there was assisted to encourage others and
exhort, and was helped to shine in a gospel conversation.
And here I was counselled to set up one other sail, for
before I prayed but twice a day, I hear resolved to set some
time apart at mid-day for this effect, and, obeying this, I
found the effects to be wonderful. Here I began to learn
patience and the nature of repentance, as likewise studied
and exercised my former lessons of faith. (6) And there
being a semiconformist there who was a little tricky, had
carried in reference to the public times with a great deal of
carnal wisdom, gravity, and piety, and so [was] in no little

9

130 Memoirs of the

esteem, but then under a sad decay, which might easily be
perceived by any discerning Christian; he pretended love
for the people of God, but had secretly complied with the
adversary, and besides did come to synods. I was of
nature suspicious, and very easily found him out, and
knowing he had conformed and juggled others, and finding
him all out of order, the Lord did put it on me to hear
him. I first spoke to him privately, then before two friends,
and at last, with a great deal of reluctance, I refused to
hear him; this was marked by others, and some esteem I
had in the country did by these means break his esteem
and credit in the country, so as, finding his estimation
fallen while he kept the prelates' courts, he was forced at
last to forsake them. And the Lord abundantly rewarded
this my witnessing for Him, for leaving the country and
coming home, the Lord drew me so strongly to Himself as
the neck of indispositions was broken, and I made to close
fully and heartily with Christ and His work, esteeming it
only glorious, so as my heart was never in a better frame,
never more assurance and singleness of heart, never more
strength to do or suffer for God, never more mortification
to the world, and sweetness in the ways of God; and now
was I fully resolved always and in all places to glorify Him.
Thus was I in my height, in which time the mystery of the
covenant of grace and of faith was more and more revealed
to me, my spirit elevated to an higher measure of con-
formity to God's will ; my mistakes and objections were
daily falling away as the scales from Paul's eyes, and the
signs of sanctification were piece and piece appearing,
and I thought that ever since the time I acted faith
formerly, my day was clearing, and the longer I travelled
I found the way the heartsomer, and my light and glory
increased beside what it was in the former days and in my
wilderness condition. All this time outward troubles and
wants continued, though the burden and weight and gnaw-
ings of this serpent were abated, only God stayed His rough
wind; they lay on, but did neither increase nor trouble.

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 131

7. I only observe: (1) When all the world forsakes, then
the Lord takes up; and the world's time of loathing is His
time of love. I found shelter from Him when forsaken of
all. (2) It is "in Him the fatherless findeth mercy." I
had no friend but Him, Hos. xiv. 8. (3) It is ordinary
with the members to be in distress when the body is unwell.
Zion the mother was ill now, and in great distress; and no
wonder I should have conformity with her. " Visit me
with the gladness of Thy people." (4) God's way of mani-
festing His love in trouble is rather by supporting and com-
forting under trouble, than in delivering out of it. (5)
Divine consolations aud visitations. are a sufficient support
under, and delivery out of trouble; for, though outward
wants continued, yet the evil and sting of them was by the
Lord's kindness to my spirit perfectly removed, even as
though I had not been afflicted. (6) Piety hath the
"promises of this life and of that which is to come." For
I find, that as I turned to God, so He showed mercy out-
wardly to me, I got deliverances in my extremity; and
besides, adversaries, though they were lying upon me, yet
did no evil. (7) A Christian, life is not one constant course,
but hath various changes in it, living and dying, rejoicing
and sorrowing, growing and decaying. It is the wicked
that "have no changes, and therefore fear not God." And
this is, that the manifold wisdom of God, and the various
graces of His people, might appear; and to keep them
unsettled here, that they might be in a constant watch.
(8) It is not a vain thing to seek the Lord; for I never
found but some extraordinary thing when I sought Him
extraordinarily. (9) A Christian grows and decays as His
faith grows and decays. (10) Meditation and study of the
covenant of grace, the Gospel, Christ, and faith, I found
a most profitable and mightily sanctifying thing. (11) To
cast out with the world, and bear the reproach of Christ,
is a mighty profitable thing; "He that shall so lose his life
shall find it." (12) God is never kinder than when I am
under great loads. This is the great advantage of an

132 Memoirs of the

afflicted condition, that the Lord pities most, and shows
most kindness then. And the more of the world's consola-
tions, there is the less of Christ's consolations; and, there-
fore, in this the evils of the world are prized above the good
thereof. (13) God first learns to bear trouble, then delivers
out* of trouble. God will ever keep His people, that they
be not overwhelmed in trouble; and, when they can bear
it, will at last show His power and good-will in delivering
them out of it: for, after all this, I was not only upholden,
but likewise delivered from my considerable vexations. (14)
There is never perfection to a man; in his best, some sin,
some want, some enemy is remaining, that will very quickly
mingle itself in all the wines of the saints. Perfection is
only in heaven; here we should rejoice with trembling, here
is, therefore, perpetual sorrow and conflicting.

SECTION VI.

Of a third fiery trial I endured for ten iveek s space, and
how supported and delivered.

There was nothing I remember had ever such influence
to settle me as this last storm, which continued very bitter,
violent and sharp during the space of ten weeks, in which
my spirit was the most seriously exercised of any time I
know; of which I shall speak but briefly, seeing I have it
largely set down elsewhere. It was soul-trouble and dis-
quietment I was under, with apprehensions of wrath, and
violent tentations of Satan.

1. The grounds and occasions whereof were: (1) Con-
sidering grace to be so excellent a thing, as it is called the
Divine Nature, I not seeing this glory so as to be amazed
thereat, but, on the contrary, finding such wildness, con-
cluded I wanted it. Where is the glory? said I. Are these
prayers, affections, duties, and exercises, the Divine Nature;
(2) In examining my evidences, I found objections against
them, and none could bear water, or could at that time give

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 133

me powerful, comfortable, demonstrative evidence. (3) I
was pressed to some difficult duties, much contrary to my
inclinations; which were, in a word, to take up arms against
the world, and to reprove every man and woman, and be
free with them anent their estates, and to make this my
trade of life; and, because I could not comply with this, I
apprehended I was not sincere, but in a natural condition,
seeing I had not an universal respect to all God's com-
mands. (4) There were some seeming grounds that might
make me think I was unconverted. In a word, the ground
of all my trouble was, I was afraid I was yet in a natural
condition, and so lost in my sins; and, if so, I knew not
what course to take, nor did I think it probable I should
ever come out of it, if I were yet in it.

2. My frame and condition was: (1) The terribleness of
a natural condition was represented to me to the life; and
no evil was so great as sin, especially a sinful nature; and,
my evidences being blotted, it was so much the more
terrible. (2) The Lord likewise as clothed with fury was
represented to my soul. (3) The devil, getting leave, did
most cruelly, tyrannically, and furiously batter my soul with
objections tending to discourage me, and to create evil
thoughts of God in me, and to make me believe that all
this while I was living in an unconverted condition and
delusion. (4) That which was not the least of my afflic-
tions was, that I could not know my condition certainly.
Oh how happy if I knew whether converted or unconverted !
for then would I know what to do; but, living in this un-
certainty, I am most miserable: for I had but apprehen-
sions I was unconverted. (5) In examining of the causes
why the Lord trysted me with this sudden and great storm,
I thought there was none as to particular guilt, and I
thought it drave at something else than punishment for
particular faults. (6) My melancholy constitution, and want
of company and employment, did much further my trouble,
(7) There would be some calms and quietness of spirit for a
great part of the day, by reading of the Scriptures especially;

134 Memoirs of the

and Satan would cease for a while. (8) It was not with me
as in other troubles: for, through grace, I was helped to
make some head against Satan; I despaired not at all, nor
did by any act of positive judgment conclude I would be
damned; but only I saw hell, and sin, and the wrath of
God; and the apprehension was terrible. Yea, there would
be great attempts of faith sticking more close to God than
ever, so that I never so strongly and sensibly believed; yea,
I thought, as matters stood sometimes, it was impossible I
should be cast off. And many times was my heart fixed, so
that I was like a rock against whom all the billows in hell
would dash, yet did my bow stand strong, and I never had
such assurance of faith. (9) I had a deep impression of the
things of God; a natural condition and sin appeared, and I
felt it worse than hell itself; the world and vanities thereof
terrible, and exceeding dangerous; it was fearful then to
have ado with it, or to be rich. I saw its day coming;
Scripture expressions were weighty; a Saviour was a big
thing in my eyes; Christ's agonies were then earnest with
me, and I thought that all my days I was in a dream till
now, or like a child in jest, and I thought the world was
sleeping. O but I thought Shepherd and Rutherford spoke
and wrote feelingly! Shame, trouble, and affliction, want
and poverty, were sweet and secure. (10) Yet was I wearied
of my life, and preferred strangling before it; my life was
bitterness to me, and sorrow did consume me, so as there
was a sensible influence on my body, and I looked like a
man come from the grave; yet did none know my trouble.
There was a great work to be wrought in me, and it was
death to me to think to endure the power and working of
God that should produce this effect, although I were little
more than passive in it. (11) Duties of prayer and reading,
only before I yoked with them, were a terror, and to go in
private with this dead heart seemed hell itself; though,
when I was engaged, they were sweet. The night was
sweet, because I had some rest; but the morning was as
the shadow of death, because I was to conflict. I would

Rev. James Eraser of Brea. 135

even have been content to have lain still perpetually, my
spirits were so overfoughten. (12) The devil rested not in
the meantime violently and unseasonably to press some
strict duties, seeking to undo body and spirit at once,
driving furiously as Jehu did.

3. The manner how the Lord supported me, and did
me good, and at last delivered me out of this, was by
these means: is/, By making me considerate; for, at the
first assault, the end of which was to persuade me I was
unconverted, this assertion was so strongly and violently
threaped upon me, that ere I knew I was dung on my
back, and my soul burdened and oppressed, ere I knew
how or why. When, therefore, I found these weights, and
my spirit overwhelmed, and the clouds up, I remembered
David's words, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul?"
So said I, What is this? and why is it thus with me? shall
I continually live in an implicit faith, or on my own appre-
hensions? and shall I be condemned, and live miserably,
and never know why? Let us think and consider on this
matter; there may some mystery lie at the bottom. Come,
therefore, my soul, let us see what is it that ails thee. Well,
I see thou art troubled, and spiritually troubled, and for a
spiritual cause; now, what is this spiritual cause? Because
I found it was a suspicion that I was yet in a natural condi-
tion, and a stranger to Christ. Now*, what grounds have
we for this? and let us see what is to be done, and hear
patiently all assertions and threaps ; let this rain fall to
the ground, and then fall thou to exercise. Hereupon my
spirit became composed and considerate; and, having the
use and exercise of my reason, it did much advantage to
me, and made me that I was not like a child driven hither
and thither: I was, therefore, content to ding the bottom
out of this, and to examine it to the full, idly, I thought
it expedient for settling of myselfTand keeping my ground
unshaken by the batteries of tentations, to lay down some
practical conclusions, to which I would ever stick, and
always follow, whatever came; which did me much good,

136 Memoirs of the

and I did draw them from Christ's agonies. (1) To
continue praying still, and looking up to God, and never
to give over duties; obey still, come what will. (2) Never
despair, but always trust and depend, and keep up an
interest in God. (3) Be humble and submissive; "Not
my will but thine be done." Resign yourself to God in
this exercise; take not the tutory of thyself in this hazardous
sea upon you; let Him quicken, deaden, wound, and com-
fort as He pleases. I cannot express what advantage I
found by this. $dfy, Means was, By being kept by the
power of God in the use of all means, of praying, and
reading the Scriptures, and meditating, whatever tentations
I had to the contrary. And though at first I saw little
comfort in these duties, but said, as those Israelites of
Saul, Will these duties save me from my spiritual enemies?
yet by practising I ever found strength and comfort by
them, especially Scripture, in which I found an unusual
weight and sweetness. ^thly, The Lord would suggest
some seasonable and calming word into my soul, such as
this, "It is good for a man to hope, and quietly to wait
for the salvation of God;" then it is not good to be dis-
couraged nor casten down, $thly\ I was made to under-
stand that the spirit of bondage in itself was not good, from^
these words, " Perfect love casteth out fear." This I knew
not before, and therefore I ever desired a law-work, and
durst never meddle with consolations till I had found the
law-work; and now, if my terrors and tentations had ceased,
I would grieve for that intermission, as though I had lost
some precious thing. And this made me more submissive
to the Lord's way of guiding me in my exercises, as like-
wise more freely to use consolations, and to seek recovery
out of my present bondage; yea, I found that these terrors
and fears did me evil in their own nature, though the Lord,
I found, did accidentally bring good out of them. 6thly,
The Lord made me one day understand, Satan had a great
hand in my trouble, especially in labouring to create evil
thoughts of God in my soul, in tempting me to despair and

Rev. James Frascr of Brea. 137

give over, and discouraging me, and making me think I
should never be better; in a violent unseasonable pressing
of duties. And hence I reasoned, If these fears proceed
from Satan, why should I entertain them? Can any truth
or good proceed from him? This made me suspect all was
suggested to me tending to fear, and more rationally to
ponder what was represented, jt/ify, I fell seriously and
diligently to examine this whole matter. I considered the
nature of my exercise and trouble, the grounds of it, and
the weight of objections; as likewise I fell upon examina-
tion of my state, I laid down my conclusions and rules, I
set down my objections against my sincerity, I pondered
them by the line of Scripture, and answered them; I did
likewise according to Scripture judge of the marks I had of
my own sincerity, and examined what might be said; I
compared my state with the rule and with saints; and in
the conclusion I found a marvellous light of God's Spirit,
through the word, shining on my soul, and I found that
according to the Scripture I was converted, and that the
names, qualities, practices, and exercises of saints did agree
with me; yea, I found something in me wherein I went
beyond any hypocrite, though I was the least of saints. I
did utterly cast aside all marks that I had read in practical
books, and did examine them by Scripture; and I found
the most part of them unsound and not well cautioned, and
some not altogether false, but inconsiderately expressed, and
the reader very apt to mistake. As likewise there was dis-
covered, through this examination, many of mine own
mistakes in the nature of sanctification. Oh, what need
is there of wisdom and light from above, in giving of marks!
and what a great sin is it, either to write or speak marks
at random? It is true what Shepherd saith, "We have
need of a special spirit here." This cost me many weeks'
exercise, and some years before this too; but the most
sensible and effectual discovery of myself was now. O the
benefit of consideration and a deliberate judgment ! 8//$/}',
God, by a strong hand, humbled me, and made me submis-

138 Memoirs of tKe

sive, from a sense and sight of the Lord's sovereignty,
wisdom, and eternal holiness, and from a sense of my own
wildness ("Good is the will of the Lord"), so as I was
made silent before God; which silence did much abate
the boisterousness of this storm, so that my heart was kept
calm and made to comply writh dispensations; so as I said
from my heart, My will is evil, and God is good; and better
He have His will, than I that am sinful; He cannot do
ill or wrong. And for this cause I did draw up some con-
siderations to submission, which then were sensibly preva-
lent with me, and by considering of which I would usually
allay the raisings of my heart when they would appear.
qthly\ I did likewise consider on some comfortable conso-
lations and considerations tending to hope and encourage-
ment, which I drew up, and would usually comfort my
soul with them in my dark hours and dumpish fits, and
did find my labour ordinarily not in vain; though some-
times nothing would do but the immediate hand of God,
"that I might know man liveth not by bread, but by every
word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." iothl)\
As likewise, in respect I found great indispositions and un-
willingness to duties, and discouragements thereto, I drew
up several considerations and motives to stir me up thereto,
which in my fits of sloth I would use to awaken my soul,
and would usually find them effectual, nthly, In examin-
ing that difficult duty of reproving, and considering it
seriously, the Lord showed much light and comfort, both
in the nature of the duty, and how to go about it; wherein
Satan had a hand in pressing it; and that my unwillingness
thereto did proceed not from infirmity; and that my omis-
sion was not in the substance of the duty, but in the
manner and degree of freedom, boldness, and compassion,
and did proceed from ignorance and unbelief, nthfy, I
found likewise much mercy, good-will, tenderness, and care
of Christ towards me in this present exercise; and much
good did it to me, so that the storm was now much over.
Y^thly, But that which did me most good was, a more full

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 139

discovery of the covenant of grace, meditations of the
Gospel, of Christ's gentle nature, as likewise some particular
promises that were by the operation of the Spirit very clearly
applied; among which these were the chief, 1 Tim. i. 15,
"This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation."
O what of life and sweetness was discovered in that one
word one evening after supper, John iii. 17, "God sent not
His son to condemn the world!" And that word, Psal.
lxv. 5, God is the "confidence of all the ends of the earth;''
and He "justifies the ungodly." "They that know Thee
will put their trust in Thee." " I came not to call the
righteous, but sinners to repentance." "Christ is the end
of the law for righteousness." And that Scripture, 1 Cor.
i. 30, "God hath made Christ wisdom, righteousness, sancti-
fication, and redemption.' And that in John xv. 16, "Ye
have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you." From which
these truths were made clear to me: (1) That nothing in
man is the first ground of hope or despair. (2) That the
whole_ground of our hopes is in Christ alone. (3) That
sinners have right to absolute promises; or the first ground
of faith is an absolute promise. Christ is not a person with
whom they have nothing ado, but is their hope and salva-
tion; and these promises are sayings, though absolute, to
lay hold on for acceptation. (4) That Christ's relation is to
men as sinners, and not as to whole or righteous: "I came
not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." It is
with sinners Christ hath ado, and not to condemn them
but to give them life; and, when they cannot come to Him
for life, to seek them. The fathers must lay up for the
children, and not they for the parents. (5) Such is the
nature of Christ, that He only came to show mercy, hath
no wrath or law, came not to condemn: "Fury is not in
me." And that it is as unreasonable to expect condem-
nation from Christ, as to expect cold water from fire; and,
therefore, whosoever knows Him cannot but believe in Him :
and that there is nothing in Christ but what is matter of joy
and comfort. (6) All salvation depends on Christ's good-

140 Memoirs of the

will only, and everything relating thereto, all which is made
ours. (7) That God Himself is the drawer up of the sinner's
security for heaven and blessedness; Christ is "made of \
God, wisdom, righteousness," etc. ; "I have given Him for
a covenant to the people." (8) That the Lord bestows this
right freely and absolutely, which free promise is the ground
of faith, and not the purchase of faith. (9) That nothing
damns but unbelief, in not pressing the Lord with these
promises, all which are comprehended in that one word,
"This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation,
that Christ came to save sinners. " Here now was I fixed
on a rock that was able to bide all storms. Is Christ then
the ground of all my hopes? and do my hopes depend
wholly on Him? and have I a promise that all will be well?
and is this promise that to which I must take myself? and
is this promise given freely of God? Surely then, though I
see nothing in myself but what is matter of grief, sorrow,
and despair, yet here is matter of hope; I cannot misbelieve,
unless I reflect on Christ. Shall I misdoubt Him, who is
all mercy and no wrath, who came not at all to damn,
whose offices and relations are all good? These and the
like did quiet me, knowing that all my happiness was freely
secured in Christ Jesus alone, in whom I was complete;
yea, I found the great end of this storm was to draw me
off myself, to live in and to depend wholly on Christ for
strength, justification, and comfort. xqthly^ My natural
melancholy was cured by divertisements; for I had a call
to go elsewhere, where employment and godly company did
me much good as to the refreshing of my spirit. And thus
by these means was the storm gradually allayed; the best
trial for me I ever endured.

4. The ends of which dispensations were: (1) To try,
exercise, and strengthen my faith, which was never so lively
exercised, nor did ever endure such a conflict, nor ever had
such sure footing; for by considering the Gospel, though it
were granted I was never converted, yet sure I am I ought
to come to Christ, and look up to Him, and expect from

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 141

Him, and be of good cheer, seeing God is the "confidence
of all the ends of the earth." And my consolation must be
as solid and strong as the ground thereof, so that with this
shield I abide all darts, this answereth all objections, this
is "the Rock higher than I." (2) To make me a little
more serious, and to have a deeper and weightier appre-
hension of the things of God; for the truth is, till this time
I looked on myself, and the most part of professors, to
be but in jest with their religion; and I bless the Lord,
some of these impressions remain still. (3) To discover
to me the evil of the world, of the pleasures, profit, and
honour thereof; and to bring my soul to a compliance with
the cross of Christ, as that whereon most security and
quietness is to be found: "He that loseth his life shall
find it." The world is an evil, and only evil, the great
bar that hinders from Christ; it is loadened with sin, full
of danger, and enmity to God; it is Christ's competitor,
rival, and enemy. And this was not only discovered in
me, but the aversion and fear of the world was in some
measure wrought in me. (4) To acquaint me with Satan's
devices, whereby he hinders the work of salvation, the
many sophisms and mistakes of my own heart in the nature
of sanctification ; it made me search more narrowly into
many things than ever I did. (5) To make me esteem
the Scriptures, and walk more closely by them in all my
ways; for they only speak aright of God, of dispensations;
they are the foundation of hope and faith, and we must
judge of things according as they are represented in Scrip-
ture, and not by reason or fancy. (6) To stir me up to be
more profitable to others, which was a great challenge now,
and the neglect of it a heavy burden; and the duty itself
was much pressed at this time. (7) To live off myself and
sense, on the Lord Jesus alone; and not on Him as felt,
but on Him as given in His word and promise: and not
on any thing of Him to be given here, but what we are
to receive in heaven. The conclusion was this, My grace
is sufficient: "When I am weak, then am I strong;" and

142 Memoirs of the

here is rest and life. And by this storm, and the conclu-
sions I then laid, I became more settled, and less shaken
with tentations; and this did much establish me in faith,
patience, humility, and duty.

5. I will conclude with a few observations: (1) Soul-
trouble hath sometimes a sweetness in it, for, considering
this was the hand of God, I laid myself flat under it. Now,
Lord, let me never out of this furnace till my dross go
away. (2) I found soul-trouble not good in itself but evil,
and that it produces much weakness and aversion from
duty. (3) When God is angry, every thing is terrible.
Duties, meat, drink, and company, had a hell stamped
upon them, and a little loss, having wrath stamped on it,
is a world of evil. (4) The world is a dangerous thing
and a great evil, and the comforts of it a hell. It is good
to be continually afflicted here; " In the world ye shall
have tribulation." Most of my exercise did drive at this.
(5) Whatever our exercise or tentations be, it is profitable
to pray and continue in the means. (6) It is good to be
considerate, and not to be rash in closing with apprehen-
sions and suggestions. (7) It is a sad affliction to an
exercised soul to want good company, and evil carnal
company is a hell itself. (8) Soul-trouble hath its time;
it is not always alike violent, but I find sometimes a calm,
and at other times it comes in stounds and fits; the evil
hour. (9) We should not murmur that the Lord doth not
lead us according to our minds; but, in exercises especially,
we should let the Lord guide us as best seems Him, and
a patient surrender of ourselves doth much good. (10)
There may be many sweet hours and little deliverances
in a soul exercise ere all be done. I was many times
caught up to heaven, but anon plunged to hell. (11) The
best mean of settlement is to live by faith in Jesus Christ
alone, and to live at a distance from the world. (12) A
soul may have many enemies to wrestle with in one soul-
trouble, but he hath not the same one to wrestle always
with. Sometimes he hath the wrath of God, sometimes

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 143

an evil heart; and the soul should continually conflict with
one of these at once, according as they invade him. (13)
No soul-trouble will cure all evils perfectly; they but help
in part. (14) The great end of such trials is to exercise
faith, and to waken people, and to make them more serious.
Many other things might be observed. This befell me
when I was twenty-seven years of age, in November and
December 1665.

SECTION VII.

Of ivhat befell me thereafter.

1. Notwithstanding of this furnace, yet, when I was out
of it, I found much dross. For (1) I was grievously op-
pressed with a spirit of sloth and indisposition to all
manner of duties. (2) There was a legal spirit that made
me act in fear, and not in love or in faith to be accepted,
which did represent God as a judge, and that He had evil
ends in desiring obedience, whereby there was much forced
work. (3) A kind of aversion and strangeness to God and
heaven, not having such intimate and loving thoughts of
Him, and withal a loatheness to go to heaven as a strange
place. (4) Likewise I found a strong league with the world,
and the power of it considerable and strong, which hath
cost me until this day much conflict and hard work. (5)
My deadness and ignorance remained and grew upon me,
so that I was dark in my conceiving, and untender in my
apprehensions; so that several errors in my conversation
were vented, such as idle words, vain thoughts, excess in
the use of lawful comforts, pride in thought and speech,
departing from God.

2. Yet did some of my dross go away with this furnace;
and blessed be the Lord that made this trial profitable to
me. For (1) I was more diligent in doing good to others
than formerly, and therefore would be oftentimes minding
the poor and ignorant in private, praying for them, thinking

144 Memoirs of the

of the way to do them good, and stirring up my soul there-
unto. And as there were some thoughts of this in private,
so there was outward and practical effecting of this. I
would go to their houses, instruct and exhort them, and
pray in their houses, and occasionally instruct them and
others whom I met (though of late I have been more remiss
in this), and thereby found much good to myself, and my
gifts in this increased. (2) I was more strict and tender in
my conversation than formerly, and durst not take such
liberty, and therefore cried out against that looseness and
wantonness that I saw but too common. (3) I was by this
made more acquainted with spiritual exercises of the Lord's
method and of Satan's devices, with the nature of sanctifica-
tion, and the many mistakes anent it. A great deal of my
mists and confusions were hereby blown away, and many
hid things of darkness brought to light. I understood by
this much Scripture better than formerly. (4) My spirit
was made more serious, and the matters of salvation and
common truths more deeply engraven, and made more
weighty to me. I saw another sight, and had another
manner of feeling of sin, wrath, heaven, and hell; I prized
Christ and grace more; I feared sin, Satan, and hell more.
Truths were more lively and sensible upon my spirit; the
matters of God's law appeared great by this. (5) I found
my spirit more settled and established on Christ, and less
liable to shakings and tentations, so that I have lived as to
assurance and faith of my interest, and of Christ's love,
from that day to this, more secure than ever, being (as I
conceived) better rooted, and having stronger foundations
than before, and better acquaint with the exercise of faith.
(6) I found my spirit by this more meekened and tamed,
and less hasty, the violent bitter quality taken away, and I,
as it were, broken and ploughed, and so more inured to the
yoke, so as nothing came wrong. I understand now some-
thing of Christian patience, am less amazed with disappoint-
ments, and more submissive, quiet, and silent. (7) The
world appeared vain, terrible, and bitter; and the evil

Rev. James Fraser of Brca. 145

thereof prized more than the good thereof; and the yoke,
cross, and reproach of Christ more lovely. (8) More
diligent in private duties of reading, meditation, and prayer,
set to conflict with sin more strongly. And some impres-
sions of this yet remain.

3. As for my exercise and progress of life (1) After my
inward terrors as to their power were removed, some degrees
remained, that would at some times overwhelm my heart,
but did not last. (2) I was smitten in my body thereafter
with a painful boil under my oxter, with which I had been
threatened some years before, which, with the pain thereof,
did at first cast me into a fever, and my breath was stopped
by the oppression of the spirits, which made me have some
impressions of death. During which time, Satan was let
out again, and was most violent in his tentations; and my
heart was so casten down, that one afternoon, being to draw
in the Lord's yoke, there was such faintness, weakness, and
aversion to duty, that I thought I should never endure it,
and was not far from casting it off altogether; but God
pitied the anguish of my soul, and did break these spiritual
bonds, and put my heart in frame. During this sickness
He miraculously allayed the pain of my boil, and speedily,
and that without means, cured it; for, however, I bought
some things to prevent it, yet, looking on it as a punish-
ment from God, I knew not if I could be free to take the
rod out of His hand, and to counterwork Him. And,
indeed, I lost nothing by this, for, coming and giving my
cheeks to this smiter, my chastisement was very gentle, and
of short continuance, so as I was helped to continue in
duties; and when the boil brake, I resolved to go more
mightily and diligently about the Lord's work than ever.
I by this means prized health more. (2) Made more dili-
gent in duties, had a conflict with death, I found it easy to
leave the world. Yet was both Christ and heaven strange,
and so had not such desires to be with Him, nor longing,
because I was not a good servant, had not my work done,
nor walked so closely with Him. (3) The Lord one day

146 Memoirs of tJie

represented the evil of the world to me. This was my first
exercise. This was in February 1666. In March and
April I continued in a wrestling condition, and was some-
times in M., sometimes at home, and I lay groaning under
and fighting with my indispositions to duties. Strange
thoughts of God and spirit of bondage in my actings, with
some terrors, which could not continue long. (3) In sum-
mer, thereafter, the hardness of my heart began to mollify,
and my bonds broke on a Sabbath-day's afternoon, while
others were at church, and I stayed at home. "I called to
mind the days of old," and some of the Lord's ways with
me, which opened the doors of my soul, and love quickened
in longing after Him, and grieving for His absence and for
my ways, which disposition continued and strengthened me.
(4) Thereafter I was put to learn a new exercise, which was,
to observe providences, and to consider the ends of God's
particular and general providences, the ends of afflictions,
of sins, of backslidings, of indispositions, and to remark
some steps of love in them, which did me much good. He
did let me see much love in dispensations, enlightened me
in my duties, kept me from wrong constructions, and did
much establish and comfort me. (5) Being to quit our
chief dwelling and lands, according to my transaction three
years ago, and some mistakes betwixt me and relations
falling out, I stayed alone, and went to another contiguous
shire, where were some lively Christians and my very dear
friends, with whom I spent time profitably, edifying and
building up one another. There I resolved to set up
extraordinary days of humiliation again, and so effectually
that a glory was seen in the ways of God and of His people
which I saw not before, and love to Christ advanced. (6)
After I came home I set up humiliation-days, and made
it my exercise to conflict with and overcome the world,
to close fully and wholly with Christ, to glorify Him with
all my heart, and Him only. But it would not do, not-
withstanding of some violent attempts I made; whence
terrors issued, yet not altogether in vain, because hunger

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 147

was increased, as likewise knowledge. (7) About the middle
of harvest, through meditation on the Law and the Gospel
and the easy yoke of Christ, the spirit of bondage and legal
actings begun to be cast out, and I in my acting was
helped to be more willing and less constrained, doing things
more evangelically and freely, and by which I found greater
strength to serve Christ. And I found that word of the
Israelites to Rehoboam true in me to Christ, "Make my
yoke easier, and I will serve Thee," and the easiness of
this yoke to be the great motive He presseth us with to
draw in it: That the Lord doth accept little off our hands,
and will Himself help. This, with the consideration of the
ends of God's requiring duties, did much strengthen me in
them, and discovered much of Christ's love, and made His
yoke easy and lovely. (8) About winter thereafter, I found
my heart warming to Christ, and the aversion to Him wear-
ing off, through rubbing over in my memory some steps of
the Lord's providences and dealings towards me. And
there my eyes were first opened to see an infinite fountain
of consolation and love which before was hid to me; there
I remembered all the pains the Lord took in preparing me
for Himself, how much He suffered at my hands, all the
care He had of me in my wilderness condition; how He
humbled me, convinced me, and how many times His visi-
tations did uphold my spirit. Then did I see love in all
the tract of the Lord's dealings with me, God in all this
pursuing me constantly with loving-kindness. (9) I found
likewise my aversion to heaven wearing away, and that any
apprehensions I had of this kind did proceed from a mis-
take: for one day, as I was praying, and earnestly desiring
after communion with Christ and more conformity to God's
image, and mourning for my want of this, it was suggested
to me, Why dost thou complain of thy great aversion to
heaven? for what is heaven but enjoyment of Christ and
perfect holiness? therefore, in prizing the one I prize the
other. And from this it proceeded that I longed to be in
heaven. Shall I think ill, said I, to be with Him, in whose

148 Memoirs of the

company I only find peace and quietness? who hath with
His visitations so often refreshed my spirit, without whom
I can do nothing, and without whom I am hell itself; who
hath been seeking me so passionately, and whom I have so
many days been seeking? (10) About the same time like-
wise I was convinced of a great sin of unthankfulness, the
evil and sinfulness of which was discovered, and desires to
abound in this grace of thankfulness, which was thus occa-
sioned. I found some others that had outgone me far in
love and gratitude, speaking much of Chist's love and kind-
ness to them, and what they were meeting with, and how
much they made of small visits. Oh, ungrateful wretch (said
I to myself), thou art oftentimes meeting with quickening
consolations and visitations, by which thy dying life is
preserved, and yet take no notice of it, and, like Haman,
ye say, " What is all this to me ?" Not one thankful
acknowledgment for all this, nor one loving word spoken
in commendation of Christ for all this. I judged quicken-
ings and visitations of this kind but common, and ordinary,
and small, because I saw not Christ in great fulgor and
glory. That which after some time did heal this evil in
my soul was, considering that though those things in them-
selves were but mean, yet they were not the effects of my
own pains and endeavours, who without Christ can do
nothing; but were the breathings and gifts of God's Spirit,
and therefore, in respect they are from Him, to be infinitely
prized; yea, the purchase of Christ's blood, and a pledge
and testimony of the Lord's kindness, and therefore to be
received, and I am not to look to the gift but the giver.
The least of favours and tokens from a prince is highly
valued. And this did help me to thankfulness, and I did
set a value upon mercies. (11) I was at this time pressed
vehemently to close walking, to an entire, cordial, and full
resignation of myself to God, to keep distance with the
world, to be for the Lord and Him only, and for none
other; and was made sensible of one point of loose walking,
that I did not endeavour to observe the Lord's providences,

Rev. James Fraser of Urea. 149

and that I did not walk in His counsel and depend on
Him, acknowledging Him in all my ways. And this the
Lord likewise helped. (12) I began a little afterwards to
study patience; I got this lesson in my hand, and made
some small progress therein : Patience I thought and took
up under the notion of the soul's invincible going on in
duties, notwithstanding of all evils; when a man keeps his
place and ground, and stands out like a rock, not amazed
with any amazement, not discouraged nor rankled, not
fainting, not giving over, but continuing in a constant frame
of spirit. What I sought not I learned, and what I sought
I got not. God answered my prayers, though not in my
way, and showed He accepted them; He led me in His
way to heaven, and not in mine. (13) At last, that the
warning I got five years since in the South might be fulfilled
of the bonds and afflictions that were abiding me, I was
taken with caption for a debt which I had paid. Only my
trustee and near relation, who received the money from me
to be given to my creditor, did knavishly apply it to his
own use; for which, I, not paying it, was taken and kept
three days in a chamber, till course was taken with it ;
which occasioned my going South, where I continued much
of two years, sometimes in the South, and sometimes in the
North. My condition during this time was a wrestling con-
dition with the sons of Zeruiah that were too strong for me;
little or no overcoming, yet violent wrestling. Some work
I got done: I wrote a_Treatise ofjaith, of the Covenant
of Grace; I wrote a Treatise of forty sheets of paper, on
several subjects useful for the times; I wrote also a Treatise
against hearing the curates; as likewise, I wrote this Book
of my Life, in which I found marvellous assistance, and
found it a blessed mean to warm my heart with love to
Christ, to see through many intricacies of my life which
were before as a mist to me, and did tend much to my
settling. As likewise, the Lord blessed my fellowship so
to the South country professors, that severals of them were
awakened; and generally my conversation was edifying, and

150 Memoirs.

was someway shining, so that I received much honour
thereby; and while I honoured God, the Lord honoured
me. I kept Christian fellowship with them, prayed with
and exhorted them, which was not in vain, especially in
Edinburgh, where I sometimes spake four times in a week.
The scope of my discourses was in exalting holiness; against
a slight work of grace; against looseness and laxness; against
formality; against sloth and unprofitableness, and pressing
them to be doing good; against discouragements and un-
belief, and pressing to believe; as likewise, against comply-
ing with the prelates and curates, studying to render them
as odious as I could, and my pains were not in vain.

4. Lastly, It pleased the Lord by degrees likewise to
look favourably on my outward condition, and did piece
and piece deliver me from my afflictions and vexatious
debts and wants, and now hath in some measure exalted
mine head, and given me by strange providences what He
had taken from me. For I humbled myself under the
sense of the calamities of our family, and my own particular
wants; I besought Him to keep us from utter destruction.
And the Lord was pleased to hear; He destroyed by death
my chief adversaries, I found shifts to pay my many petty
debts, gained our law-action, and was restored to some of
my ancient possessions again; though I be miserably un-
done and vexed with multiplicity of business and evil neigh-
bours, as likewise I am under the guilt of many broken
vows, and find much prejudice by the smiles of the world,
and less kindness from the Lord, because I stand less in
need of it now. Thus have I briefly run over the most
memorable circumstances in all my life until this time, being
now thirty years of age and unmarried. I have been the
more brief in what concerns these last six years, in respect
I have them at more length contained in my daily diaries,
and because I purpose to come over several things touching
my natural condition and state, my exercises, tentations,
evils, duties, and course of life, in the next chapter, to which
I shall refer any thing of this nature*

CHAP. VII.

RELATING SOME THINGS TOUCHING MY PRESENT CONDITION.
SECTION I.

Wherein arc contained some general personal observations in
reference to myself.

i. A FTER a long and serious search into my estate
„/jL before God, I am by the Lord's works of love
towards me, and His works of grace in my soul, made to
conclude that I am born over again, and that there is not
only a formal partial change wrought, such as may be in
hypocrites, but that I am visited with the salvation and
love of His chosen. For I find a great and universal
change wrought by an almighty mean in my soul, growing
rather than decaying; so that thus I stand fixed as to this
matter. I have both word and seal, work and carriage for
it. Yet, 2dl\\ Do I find this my belief of my interest much
shaken and sore assaulted by sin, which falls like a blot
upon all my evidences, and takes away the comfort of them,
and fills me with some sudden apprehensions all may be
wrong, though these many years, by a positive act of judg-
ment, I was not suffered to conclude my unsoundness, but
rather, rationally and deliberately weighing the matter, made
to conclude I was converted. 3^/r, I have thereupon con-
cluded it to be my duty to be thankful, to draw near to God
by faithj and to search by prayer, meditation, and reading
my estate more exactly; to consider the nature of sanctifica-

152 Memoirs of the

tion more exactly, and ponder objections and grounds of
doubting; to pray to the Lord daily to open my estate to
me, to practise obedience, and go on in the exercise of faith,
love, and humility and other graces, to be marking provi-
dences, and the Lord's carriage to my soul.

2. I find I am exceeding sinful, and one compassed
with more than ordinary infirmities. Before conversion I
have been suffered to run out in more open acts of rebellion
than others, such as swearing, cursing, blasphemy, drunken-
ness, Sabbath-breaking, sinning against light and conscience,
extraordinary strangeness and unprofitableness, greater and
manier blots in my conversation than in others, having
greater aggravating circumstances. So that I think I grieve
the Lord more than any other; I have a harder, blinder,
and more carnal heart than others have; so that I conclude
myself the least of saints, not worthy to be called a saint. (2)
And therefore think I am called to humility and submission.
(3) To love the Lord beyond others, as having forgiven me
most. (4) To be more watchful against sin, having such an
ill heart within, so ready to slip; and to walk in greater fear,
and to be more diligent. For, if the iron be blunt, it
needeth the greater force. (5) To depend most on the
Lord Jesus, as having least in myself, and therefore to make
up all my wants with His fulness; that I must live wholly
on Him. The sick need the physician. (6) To press me to
be more holy in time to come for a revenge; that as I have
"yielded my members weapons of unrighteousness," etc.

3. I have been and am like to be extraordinarily afflicted.
I have ever found trouble in the world, and God in His
providence doth ever sow enmity betwixt me and it. I have
never gotten rest for the sole of my foot there, but its em-
braces are poison, thorns, prejudice, and vexation. Some-
times and ordinarily, great and extraordinary wants to supply
credit and debts; great disappointments, and evil-will from
the men of the world, rejected and looked down upon by
professing friends in my extremities, so that I know not one
of my nearest relations and friends but have put great dis-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 153

obligations upon me, and have been bitterness to me, and
have made me weary of life, the people of God only ex-
cepted, who (as they were never able to help me in my
outward condition, yet) did never trouble or vex me. The
Lord reward their labour of love. And if the world hath
smiled on me, and given me some of her favours, and I
thinking to rest me upon them, they proved like the staff
of Egypt, and at last failed me and pricked my hand: it
was the Lord only that supported me and kept from sinking,
and it was the mere providence of God that did me any
good or deliverance, and none other: and I am like to
find the good of the world more prejudicial to me than the
evil thereof, and to vex my spirit mo (2) I conclude
myself hereupon called to live at distance with the world,
to set my heart by it, to fight and conflict with it, to be
mortified to it, and to look to another rest, seeing this is
not it, to set my affections on heaven where Christ is; as
likewise, to look on this as a token of love and of good,
that "I am not of the world," for then "the world would
love me;" and, lastly, to arm myself with admirable patience
and fortitude to endure the evils of the world constantly
without fainting.

4. I have a weak, complying, soft nature, contrary to my
will and judgment; so that I find an averseness to that
which both my judgment and will are for. I bless God for
a clear judgment and understanding; for I am much given
to pry and search into the bottom of things, and therein
have been assisted. But my miserable soft nature yields to
everything, and this makes all duties that are attended with
labour and boldness a great burden to me. I am judged
by men clean contrary, to be rude and contrary to all men;
but little know they the wrestling I have with my own heart,
and what a torment I bred to myself when I did not comply
with men. Oh. how much need of grace and divine assist-
ance! for no less will do my turn; I have nature always to
resist. (2) I hereupon find a great resistance to all manner
of duties; so that there is no duty I go about, but I find

154 Memoirs of the

Satan and the power of sin in me ready to resist me in it:
and I get nothing easily done, but over a mountain of diffi-
culties, heart and providences and all crossing. What a
mighty work to pray, to meditate, to speak or do anything!
Oh sloth! (3) My life is a life of faith, and not of sense; I
know little sense or dawting; the Word is my only rule. (4)
I find God's love and my religion manifested rather in doing
for God, than in fellowship with God. I see no great love
in manifestations of Himself, but in sanctifying me and
enabling me to my duty. And the most of my religious
exercises are in reference to searching out truths and
mysteries in a humble and fixed frame of spirit; and some
courage and strength to do some work for glorifying God,
and edifying my neighbour. (5) I gather love and good,
not at first, or by any one dispensation at first, but by a
continued tract of kindness. It is from many things jointly
I gather love, rather than from any one particular; and I
find good after a long time, rather than at the beginning.
God drives His work in me leisurely, and by degrees, and
not at once; I know few extraordinary things. Christ's
motion in my soul is without din or noise; I see, by this,
need of patience. (6) My joy, happiness, and hope, is
more in what is in Christ, and in the promise, and to be
fulfilled in heaven to me, than in anything I find in myself
by sense. I were "of all men the most miserable," and
hated of God, and little beloved, if I had nought else to
look to. (7) I not only find an opposition from my nature,
and sin, and Satan, to duties, but from providences; and
this I judged as trials, and to be for the exercise of patience.
5. That which most in earth I desire is, to do great
things for God, to suffer much for Him, to be signal in
honouring of Him, to finish my ministry. I contemn and
undervalue the world and carnal folk as dung, and all the
world's kindness, though my nature will not suffer me to
express it; my "spirit is willing," but herein I find "the
flesh is weak." My unprofitableness and sinfulness is my
greatest grief in the world; I had rather be cast out of

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 155

God's comfortable presence (so as not to be hated of Him)
than out of His service. I have been sometimes thinking
that, if these times last, my heart will break, if I be con-
tinually shut up in this way, and all the passages stopt of
doing for the Lord.

SECTION 11.

Declaring some strong evils under which I mourn, and
against which I ivrestle.

I find it with me as with the Israelites,- Judges i., that
there were some nations that they could not drive out; so
I may say that there are some strong evils that I cannot
get mastered at all, and which continually afflict me, and
discourage me.

1st Evil is, That distance the Lord keeps with me in
word, in prayer, in providences, commands, threatenings,
promises, mercies, judgements; I find little of God in them,
so that I may say, "I am more brutish than any man, and
have not the knowledge of the Holy one.'' O how little
of Him is known ! I dare not deny but I see Him darkly
and confusedly, whereby my soul longs for Him, and
mourns for His absence as the greatest evil; but yet I see
Him not distinctly and clearly in His glory with the seeing
of the eye by that marvellous light. O Lord, my blind-
ness ! Oh blessed heaven, where we shall see God, not as
.in a mystery, but "know as we are known!" and, alas! I
know no more of Him than before. This calls for mourn-
ing and humiliation, and addressing to Christ to open the
eyes of the blind; and for purity and holiness, for these
"shall see God;" and for "following on to know the Lord"
in His attributes, in His Son Jesus, in His Word, and in
His providences, by observing them.

2d Evil is, The low measure of God's love vented to my
soul; manifestations and influences run very low, and beat
weakly in my soul; I find not in God what doth abundantly

156 Memoirs of the

satisfy; I meet not with that which is called "the power of
God." In a word, I am kept in a low condition, and very
mean. Sanctification, light, life, and comfort, are but
sparingly letten out to me; and in my fulness I cry, I
want still. This is to humble me, and make me long for
heaven. Though, blessed be the Lord's name, I meet with
something, yea, more than I deserve, or ever I have been
thankful for; nor did I ever kindle a fire to Him for nought.
I comfort myself with this that I have the earnest, and that
is but small in respect of the stock; a little does arle the
bargain as well as much. That this world and time is a
time of wants; and, therefore, the Lord's people are a
generation of seekers; that there is much in Christ, in the
promise, and much to be letten out in heaven. I get these
directions: (t) To be humble. (2) To be living on the
fulness of Christ, and abundant joys of heaven. (3) To
be thankful for small mercies, for that is the way to get
more. (4) To long for heaven, and weary of the earth.
(5) To study mortification to the world, for "the rich are
sent away empty ;'" to keep a room for Christ. (6) To
labour much; for "the soul of the diligent shall be made
fat." (7) To do good to others; for "he that watereth
shall be watered."

$d Evil is, Security and slightness of spirit as to spiritual
things. I am not so sensibly affected with the evil of sin
and of a natural condition, as to wonder at God's patience,
to tremble for fear, and smitten with compassion to others
who are yet in their sins. Oh ! I am but in jest, and half
sleeping and waking ; though I know that nothing lies
nearer, nor am I more exercised with anything than with
spiritual things. I see no help for this, but serious con-
sideration of the great matters of the law, and continual
prayers to God for awakening and seriousness, and less
seriousness in worldly affairs, for these take away the heart.

4th Evil. I can seldom win to the believing, joyful,
and comfortable thoughts of heaven. Though I really
prize the thingj to wit, enjoyment of God in Christ for

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 157

evermore, and perfect conformity to Him, yet have I not
as yet come to any measure of perfection in this lesson;
the great cause of which I take to be, that I am so little
in the endeavour of this. It is something present, rather
than what is to come, that comforts me. Oh to see this
glory as mine, so as to be made heavenly thereby!

$th Evil. That I cannot, in the act of closing with
Christ, cordially, fully, and clearly give up myself to the
Lord Jesus alone for evermore; that I cannot expressly and
cordially marry with Him. Oh for a day of espousals! It
is true, my heart really closes with Christ, and hates the
world, and my desires are, to be for Him and Him only,
to do and suffer much for Him; but, when I come to cove-
nant with Him, there is deadness, heartlessness, double-
mindedness, confusions, and ignorance, whereby much
unfixedness doth arise. I can neither covenant with Him
as a spouse, nor live with Him as a spouse. Oh my un-
stedfastness in His covenant, and dealing falsely with Him !
I could never to my satisfaction go rightly about this duty
of personal covenanting; I durst not promise, lest I fulfil
not.

6th Evil. A secret love to the old husband the law;
for, with the Jews, I am "seeking to establish My own
righteousness;" doing duties, and resolving to be strict,
for this end, to get glory from my conscience to myself,
and that I might thereby appear the more glorious unto
others. And I would be content to have my works here
be a sharer in my room in heaven, and to be a part of
my joy, and to have my happiness come that way; so that
what was falsely attributed to David, 1 Sam. xvii. 28, by
his brother Eliab, that out of the pride of his heart he had
come to the battle; so it is with me in going against my
lusts and tentations, it hath been to gain honour thereby,
that I have undertaken it. And when God hath put down
this idol of self-righteousness, and by permitting me to fall,
hath crost the sitting up of this Dagon, I have marked I
have mourned more that my resolutions have been broken,

158 Mo) io Irs of the

and my design broken and thwarted, than for any dishonour
or grief done to God; so that, though I see an unsufficiency
in my duties, and so cannot trust in them to save me, but
forced to take another course, yet do I love these duties,
and so love them as I would by that way come to heaven.
Whereby unspeakable prejudice hath come to me; for God
hath set Himself continually against this evil and idol, in
respect I have been seeking to glory and boast in it; and,
therefore have I never been able to keep my resolutions,
lest I should doat on this Babel. And because I have been
seeking mine own glory thereby, rather than to honour
Christ, I think it is duty on me therefore to consider the
evil of this sin, the wildness thereof, and to mourn for it,
and confess it, and labour, by setting before me the work of
Christ, to prefer His grace and righteousness for gaining of
glory, and to the honour of purchasing heaven by my works;
that the song of praise may be only to the Lamb, and not
unto us. Oh it is difficult to quit self-righteousness! it is a
precious idol.

7th Evil. I find a want of the Spirit, of the power and
demonstration of the Spirit, in praying, speaking, and ex-
horting; that whereby men are mainly convinced, and
whereby men see more in the Lord's people than in others;
whereby they are a terror and a wonder unto others, so as
they stand in awe of them; that glory and majesty whereby
respect and reverence is procured, that whereby Christ's
sermons were differenced from those of the Scribes and
Pharisees: uHe spake as one having authority, and not
as the Scribes;" that which Paul calls "the power and
demonstration of the Spirit;" and which is mentioned,
Micah iii. 8, "I am full of power by the Spirit of the Lord,
to declare to the house of Jacob their sin," which I judge
to be the beams of God's majesty and spirit of holiness
breaking out and shining through His people, whereof they,
their words and carriage, are in some measure partakers;
which is mentioned, 2 Cor. iii. 18; 1 Pet. v. 1, "partakers
of the glory," which now and then the Lord in some measure

Rev. Jan its Eraser of Brea. 159

reveals, transfiguring them before the world, but shall one
day be manifested in such a manner and measure as the
saints know not what they shall be, when Christ shall be
admired in them. But my foul garments are on; and, alas!
I am "lying among the pots." Woe is me! the crown of
glory and majesty is fallen off my head; and my words are
weak and carnal, and not mighty, whereby contempt is bred.
No remedy for this but humility, self-loathing, and a study-
ing to maintain fellowship with God, for this made Moses'
face to shine — to walk circumspectly, for a "man's wisdom
maketh his face to shine," and to express holiness, and
glorify God, and then the Lord will honour thee.

Slli Evil. I find not direct, plain, and particular returns
of my prayers, though I find indirect and material returns,
whereby I have been made to see and conclude that "it
hath been good for me to draw near to God ;" nor can I look
on my returns as the returns of my prayer. Not observing
of returns I find to have great influence on this.

9//1 Evil. Want of blessing on my labours to others,
especially the unconverted; though I know and find that
saints have gotten good, and others put in some good moods.
But I fear I have drawn none from Satan to God; I take
but little pains in this.

\oth Evil. I cannot get the lesson of patient waiting
and depending on God until the end of a trial learned; but
ordinarily, after I am set and engaged to wait, I misbelieve
and turn impatient, and my heart goes astray and turns
careless; and then possibly when this thread is broken, I
set myself to duties: and then the Lord's visiting of my
spirit with new influences, is like Samuel's coming to Saul
after he had sacrificed; so as I cannot say the Lord's return
hath been the fruit of my waiting. So as I think I never
knew what it is to abide in a patient depending, waiting on
God in a night of absence till the morning, but unhappily
give over my dependence, and interrupt my waiting by my
carelessness, and taking comfort from some creature; which,
though it proceed not from a deliberate wilfulness, as his,

160 Memoirs of the

2 Kings vi. 33, yet it is true I am stollen to do that really
which he did advisedly: so that as yet I have not learned
that uninterrupted waiting. So that when the Lord visits
my soul with refreshful thoughts of my privileges, and puts
it in health, yet very much of my comfort is impaired through
the remembrance of my uneven carriage during the want of
it; whereby I am moved to think, that it is not leal-come,
but accidentally and not in love, when not helped to wait on
the Lord for it. It hath once comforted me to think, that
though the mercy hath not come as a fruit of either my
waiting or prayers, yet hath it come as a fruit of Christ's
prayers, and merits, and sufferings, and this hath satisfied me.
nth Evil I cannot win to apply particular mercies fully
and clearly, so as to have a persuasion of such a mercy I am
seeking for; though I win to some application of general
promises, such as these, "Christ came to save sinners;"
"God sent not His son to condemn the world;'* "Christ
came to seek and save that which was lost;" which quiet
my spirit. So that when I am reading of particular promises
for removing of such and such straits, and for giving such
and such blessings, they do not comfort me more than in
their general nature they show God's goodness; and, there-
fore, I find not strength in them to plead for such a particular
mercy, nor to persuade my mind of it that I shall obtain it,
only they in the general quiet me. And hence I am not
distrustful of my salvation, or of my happiness in the general;
but whether I shall get such a particular mercy, or be de-
livered from such an evil. All the promises of deliverance
do not breed in me an assurance or persuasion of it; so
as, though God hath granted me many particular mercies,
especially in temporals, which I have prayed for yet of none
of them was I assured, though I have been made to hope
before the granting and fulfilling of it; though some say,
A faith of dependence is only requisite in such cases. But,
besides the contrary experience of the saints, and the render-
ing void all particular promises, I have much to say against
this. Oh to know what this means, which is in John: "We

Rev. James Eraser of Brea. 161

know that if we ask according to His will, He heareth us,"
and granteth our desires; and "this confidence we have
of Him."

\2tJ1 Evil. I cannot win above the fears of men, so as to
break out in open defiance and arms against the world; but
am kept in strong chains of fear and bashfulness to displease
them, so as I cannot boldly reprove, exhort, or be free with
many whom yet I know or strongly suspect to be in a sad
condition, especially if they be great ones. And when at
any time I win to do anything of this, it is with a great deal
of reluctance, nay, greater than to lay my head down on the
block; and I strike so sparingly when I lift my rod, that I
scarce touch them, which comes from my complying and
soft easy nature; insomuch that my neglects of such duties
have been matter of my greatest exercises, and I think I fear
not so much their prejudice or outward loss, as the thing
itself is grievous, and displeasing of men, and to be thought
ill of them.

13M Evil. I can never win to a watchful, self-diffident,
and fearing frame, when at any time enlarged; but, not-
withstanding of my multiplied falls, I will, when in any good
frame, or gotten up again, with Peter, be persuaded that I
will never be so as before, but will confidently promise to do
this or that, and will not believe that any tentation will break
this resolution; which confidence is not founded on the
Lord, but comes from a presumptuous conceit and trust I
have in myself. In a word, I cannot win to disbelieve my
own heart, nor be so-persuaded of its weakness and deceitful-
ness. It is true, in great matters I am diffident of myself,
but in small matters and resolutions I go about them
continually in my own strength, and ever come short of
them.

\\th Evil. I can never win to carry rightly in public
occasions, but am ever the worse of them; I meet with little
of God, and see so little of Him, and get so little grace
exercised, and am so carnal while doing any little civil
business even to which I have a call, that, prepare my heart

11

1 62 Memoirs of the

as I will ere I go out, and watch never so carefully, I find
my whole man poisoned, and myself worse, and I come
home with a world of challenges, so that company and civil
business are a terror to me, and travail, a going to hell itself.
I never know what to do when out of my chamber; I have
not yet known what it is to traffic christianly in the world,
but have been carnal in my ends and carriage, forgotten
God, drowned in worldly matters. Oh when shall I be
spiritual in carnal actions; in eating, drinking, bargaining,
doing all as God's work! And when shall I get and do
good in public occasions !

\^th Evil. The promises and the Gospel, with Scripture-
consolations, make me trust, believe, and hope, and quiet me
in all my afflictions; yet do not so abundantly satisfy me, as
to make me "rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory/'
and as to lose sense of any other thing.

16th Evil. I can never win to keep my resolutions, so
as in my practice to walk perfectly with God, so as to walk
in peace; but every day I have challenges, not for sins of
mere infirmity, but for such sins as might be helped, and
which by mere unwatchfulness I fall into; such as to continue
long departing from God, entertaining vain thoughts, vain
idle words, mispending of time, excess in lawful comforts,
slothing of private duties, doing things rashly, and such like,
which are not wholly voluntary, or yet wholly of mere in-
firmity. Oh to sin but of mere infirmity! To walk thus
perfectly with God I cannot, but there hath ever been a
breach. By what I can learn, I never kept my vows even
when the matter was possible.

ijth Evil. Continual great unwillingness and indis-
positions to duties of all kinds, driving ever like Pharaoh's
chariots (though, when once engaged in the duty, I find
more delight and sweetness ordinarily in them than from the
world), so as there is unwillingness to go to them, pain in
them, and gladness when they are done; but especially in
the engaging. Oh the power, wicked power in me, resisting
God, and drawing back from him I

Rev. James Fraser of Brca. 163

\%ih Evil. That I do not grow or go forward generally
in the ways of God, nor yet get a particular work and exercise
thoroughed; I think I am like "the door that turneth itself
on the hinges." I make a motion in prayer, resolving and
professing; but I am still where I was: I find the same
ignorance, the same deadness, the same indispositions, the
same unprofitableness, the same unbelief, the same power of
sin as before; I fight, I wrestle, but do not overcome. I am
exercised with troubles and other providences, but I see not
what comes of them, they go away like knotless threads;
and there is no end of my labour.

i^th Evil. That I get so little light, comfort, or strength
from public ordinances, pray, watch, prepare as I will; I
mean sacraments, meetings, sermons. I find not nor see
the power and glory of God, so as to draw near to him; I
meet not with God in them. I find not sin mortified nor
subdued, nor grace increased; and seldom is my heart
bettered, but I find a constantly dead, lifeless, indisposed
heart, and no sensible alteration in the time ; and any
sensible good I get is in private, though I find a real
insensible good in public ordinances

20th Evil. Above all, I find a great unwillingness to
teach, exhort, and do good to others, or to glorify God
publicly; I cannot delight in this, nor go about this in faith
of a blessing, nor with success, nor earnestly; but there is
with me much constrained work, many occasions slighted of
going about it, and the heart itself dead and heartless, and
untouched with the glory of God, or the good of the person,
especially if unconverted.

2\st Evil. I find not a power persuading me of any
truth. I have only a weak opinion and love to it, but I
find not God with a mighty power revealing and persuading
of truth; yea, there hath been much of nature in particular
truths, though as to my general change and illumination
there hath been a sensible almighty power; therefore am I
still weak in my belief and practice. I have other evils,
but these I find the strongest, and that stick closest and

164 Memoirs of the

continue longest; I fight against and mourn under these,
but they continue still in their strength.

SECTION III.

Declaring my present exercises, lessons I am learning, studying,
and in which I have made some proficiency.

My life is a mystery to me; what I purpose and intend,
that do I not. Though I have been little exercised, and as
little advanced in these fore-mentioned exercises, yet hath
the Lord been exercising me with some things which I
intended, beyond my design; as:

1. I have been called to exercise the life of faith, to
walk by it and not by sight; in which, by the Lord's
revelation of the Gospel, and from some consideration on
2 Cor. v. 7, I have been exercised, especially through ten-
tations, which seek to make me misbelieve, and do discour-
age me.

2. The Lord hath been learning me, and I have been
exercised in the grace of submission to the Lord's will in
crossing mine; and I win to write a hearty amen there-
unto, and to say, "Good is His will," let it be done, and
not mine.

3. I have learned and someway exercised patience, which
is a continued submission and quiet obedience, and the
constancy of the spirit, in not being shaken, or moved, or
diverted with evil; and I have this lesson continually in my
head, and therein have made some progress.

4. I am learning to read love in the greatest of evils,
sin, desertions, afflictions, plagues of heart and disappoint-
ments; and to put good constructions on all God's deal-
ings; and when anything comes, though ever so cross, I first
inquire, What love can I see in this?

5. I am casting out and have cast out the bond-woman
and her child out of my soul, I mean the slavish spirit of
fear, and the proud self-acting spirit, beating in daily evan-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 165

gelical principles in my head, so as now I find more faith
and love in my actings.

6. I am drawing my heart to love the Lord Jesus, and
to close with Him with my whole heart, and to be content
to live with Him alone, shunning departing from Him, and
striving to beget and entertain familiar and kind thoughts of
God in Christ, and to root out of my heart my strange and
hard thoughts of Him and of Christ.

7. I am making the world a stranger to me, daily medi-
tating of such considerations as may mortify my heart there-
unto, God furthering this enmity by providences, whereby I
find the world my constant enemy, and am thereby made
to hate and despise it, and to be carried with indignation
against it.

8. I am studying sobriety in my affections, actings, and
carriage, in seeking after moderation, in not being much
moved with any occurrence, studying always to be kept
within bounds, and to be my own master.

9. I am taken up with observing of providences, especi-
ally in reference to myself, to see what God's ends may be in
them, why they are sent, and what is suitable duty; but, above
all to see God in them, in His wisdom, holiness, and love.

10. I am endeavouring to be profitable to others, and
what my generation work is, and studying the right way of
going about it.

n. I am helped to study and exercise thankfulness, the
greatest help whereunto is the consideration that all favours
are from God, and so many pledges of heaven, and bought
with the blood of Christ.

12. I am studying to know the glory of heaven, to be
drawing all my consolations from this, and to be making it
my treasure.

13. I am studying to make Christ my all, even "wisdom,
righteousness, sanctification, and redemption," and, in the
want of all, to live in, and on, and from Himself alone.
These have been my exercises this while bygone, though
beyond my intention.

1 66 Memoirs of the

Lastly, I learn dependence on God in outward straits, to
recommend all things to Him, to believe on Him, for deliver-
ance, to be comforting myself from Him, waiting for an out-
gate, and to be observing His hand in supporting under and
delivering from manifold troubles; and to be from these
experiences increasing in love and faith. And, indeed, I
have found manifold experiences of late of outward deliver-
ances, so that my life hath been a continual coming in and
out of troubles, and every trouble seemed a remediless one
till God freed me out of it.

SECTION IV.

Declaring my growth in grace as to some particulars.

Comparing my present condition with times past, not-
withstanding of my complaints of unfruitfulness, yet I find
these sensible growths in me:

i. I am helped to improve time, opportunities, and occa-
sions of doing and getting good better than formerly; so
that these occasions that were spent in vain-talking, sloth,
ease, and needless recreations, are now better improven to
the glory of God, edifying of myself and others; and these
occasions are likewise more prized.

2. I find more sobriety and temperance as to meat,
drink, recreations, and company, and greater strength
against and hatred to sin, and a more violent resisting
of it.

3. I find I have much increased, not only in a notional
knowledge, but in an experimental knowledge of some
necessary points, which have had a powerful and blessed
influence on my heart and conversation. I know more of
God's nature and of Christ stamped on my heart, the cove-
nant of grace and faith, patience, duty, and the nature of
sanctification, the deceits of Satan, and wildness of my own
heart, and my mistakes anent truths.

4* More diligence than formerly in prayer, meditation,

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 167

and reading of the Scripture, more hearty and frequent in
them; as likewise, making more conscience of doing good
to others, and pitying them more. Much in extraordinary
duties.

5. Faith discovered to act more vigorously than formerly,
even against oppositions, being more purely grounded on
the word in opposition to sense; the grounds more strong
than formerly, giving greater ease, and security, and strength,
and joy, than before; as likewise, more constantly and more
strengthened to duties, and against objections and dis-
couragements, insomuch that these doubts, which before
would have dung [driven] me off my feet, I am now
helped through grace to withstand; nay, to believe more
strongly, so as there is no objection but I can say something
to it.

6. I find more love to the Lord Jesus than formerly, a
greater estimation of Him, greater mourning for His absence,
desiring and longing after Him with more ardent desires,
and a greater love and loveliness discovered in Him than
before.

7. Patience more in exercise than before.

8. More sober, grave, watchful, circumspect, and spiritual
in my conversation, which before was light, carnal, and un-
profitable, as it is in part yet.

9. More familiar knowledge of, and acquaintance with,
God in Christ. Better acquaint with, and more kindly up-
takings of Him, and more love seen in His person and
providences than before.

10. Sorer exercised with inward and outward trials than
formerly, gathering from the proportion of my burdens,
hardness of my lessons, and difficulty in the work, the
increase of strength and wisdom.

11. Audience of prayer made out more distinctly than
formerly.

12. I find my enmity to, contempt and fear of, the
world increased.

13. More strength, wisdom, and success in going about

1 68 Memoirs of the

civil business; and of late the Lord's hand turned upon me
in taking off my burdens.

14. Under more serious aud deeper apprehensions of
the great things of the law, of sin, hell, heaven, eternity,
than formerly; more wakened than serious.

15. I have left off several sins which before I was
subject unto, as drinking of healths, playing at cards, haunt-
ing without conscience ungodly company, gluttony, vain
frothy discourse, lightness, jesting, and neglect of duties.

16. I find a sensible mortification of pride, being more
vile in mine own eyes, less seeking the applause of others
in duties or words, more submissive to cross dispensations,
less contending and striving with others, but bearing infirmi-
ties, and covering them, and more prizing of and thankful-
ness for meaner and small mercies.

17. More spiritual and evangelical in working than
formerly, doing things now out of respect to His command,
relying more on His strength, more confidence of being
accepted, and more thankfulness for acceptance.

18. I am helped to see and observe more of God and
His ways than formerly, and to gather more instruction
therefrom.

19. And, as I think, my gifts are increased, at least as
to speaking. Notwithstanding of late I find a decay in
some things, especially in diligence, tenderness, and useful-
ness to others, being more worldly, and my wants and
imperfections are so great even in these same particulars,
that I daily mourn, fear, abhor, and humble myself under
them; nay, my wants are so great, my spots so foul, my
sins so many, as oftentimes with fear and sorrow of heart
I say, Hath God ever loved me with the love of His
chosen? doth the Spirit of Christ indeed dwell in me? shall
I indeed go to heaven? and will Christ say, "Weil done,
good and faithful servant?''

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 169

SECTION V.

Declaring the objective Grounds of my doubting my conver-
sion and actual i7iterest in Christ, with the special and
general answers thereto.

Since the time I knew anything of God until this day,
the tempter has not ceased to make me continually raze the
foundations. And I find that it has been his first and greatest
drift to make me doubt of my conversion, by proponing of
false marks, and making me to imagine grace to be another
thing than indeed it was; and by inconsiderate reading of
marks of sanctification given in good books, some of which
I found afterwards not well cautioned, and by a confident
asserting I was not converted. So that, for the space of
three years after my real conversion, I not only doubted of
my conversion, but believed that I was all the time rather in
an unconverted state, but thought I was in the way, and had
good hopes. But the Lord making the fruits of sanctification
to appear, I began to think otherwise, and in process of time
to think rather I was converted, and to settle that as a con-
clusion, which, though the devil cannot totally overturn, yet
ceases he not to shake it, which by search I found out to be
summed up in these twenty branches.

1 st Ground. Because there was not such a distinct, long,
orderly, and deep work of preparation and humiliation at
first conversion as I found described in practical books
writing of the new birth. Answer, There was a work of the
Almighty power of Chirst discovering sin and a natural
condition as the greatest evils, which put me out to restless
endeavours to come out of this; and I found the inability of
myself and all duties to bring me out of this condition. And
the Lord did by a marvellous light discover the Lord Jesus
to me as the Saviour of sinners and their full happiness;
and my heart immediately closed with Him wholly and fully,
which in its fruits hath continued to this day. 2do, That
though the substantiate of conversion be observed generally

170 Memoirs of the

amongst all, yet do not all persons' cases agree as to the
circumstantials of conversion, that is, as to the length,
measure, and manner of the spirit of bondage, as is likewise
clear from Scripture. 3//^, The question is not so much
hojx- Christ came in, as if He be in. If ye find the fruits of
holiness, it is well, though ye know not how they were sown
or grown; "The kingdom of heaven cometh not with
observation."

2nd Ground. My ordinary, uneven, unsettled, unprofit-
able, way of walking with the Lord, the ordinary strayings
and departings of my heart from God; which unstableness
in all my ways makes me fear double-mindedness, and to
question whether my heart did ever find and see the
exceeding evil of sin, seeing I so easily fall into it; and how
this can consist with the love of God that ought to be in the
heart. Answer, Though I cannot deny these sins as to the
matter, yet these considerations are suggested unto me as
answer thereunto: (1) They are not the spots of the world,
2 Pet. ii. 20, they are as to their nature like the "spots of
His children," they are unwatchfulness, shortcomings as to
the heights of duty, idle words, fits of unbelief carnality in
the use of lawful comforts. (2) I bless God they are not
the sins of the time; I have been through grace kept from
bowing of the knee to Baal. If I die in this wilderness, it
is for my own sin, and not that I have any part in the
general conspiracy. (3) I find they interrupt not the Lord's
kindness utterly, but find that in my worst His "visitations
uphold my spirit." (4) Though the bush be burning, yet it
is not consumed; the spark of spiritual life that the Lord
hath kindled remains still burning, yea and increasing, for
all these showers of sin that seek to quench it. (5) Though
I have departed, yet not wickedly from God. I sin neither
deliberately, delightfully, with full consent nor lie impeni-
tently in my sins; I grieve and mourn for them, and hate
them. (6) I find sin on the decaying hand. (7) I find
advantages by my sins, "Peccare nocet, peccavisse vero
juvat*" I may say, as Mr Fox, my sins have in a manner

Rev. James Frascr of Brea. 171

done me more good than my graces. Grace and mercy
"hath abounded where sin hath abounded." I am made
more humble, watchful, revengeful against myself, to see a
greater need to depend more upon Him, to love Him the
more that continues such kindness to me notwithstanding of
my manifold provocations. I find that true which Shepherd
saith, "Sin loses strength by every new fall."

$rd Ground. My fearful, dark, hellish ignorance, and
carnal conceptions of God, heaven, and hell, by which I
am tempted to draw this conclusion, that I am yet in
darkness, and that that marvellous light which discovereth
Christ really as He is, the glory of the Father, hath not shined
on my soul; but that all my knowledge is either rational, or
notional, or natural. Oh my unspeakable ignorance of Him !
To which, for satisfaction, I answer these things: (1) That
no man hath seen God face to face, but in His back parts,
wrhich is a very imperfect knowledge, Exod. xxxiii. 23; this
was it that Moses saw. (3) Saints "see but through a
glass," not immediately in this life, 1 Cor. xiii. 12. (3)
And hence they see but darkly, as in a mystery, 1 Cor. xiii.
12. (4) The most eminent saints have much lamented
their ignorance of God, Prov. xxx. 2, "I am more brutish
than any man, and have not the understanding of the holy."
O how little a portion of Him is known! (5) This is a time
of absence, and it is but a dark knowledge we have of one
not present; it is in heaven we will "see face to face, and
know as we are known, and see Christ as He is," 1 John iii. 3.
(6) "We walk by faith, and not by sight," 2 Cor. v. 7.
Seeing is our life in heaven not here. It is a controversy
whether the sight we have here of Christ be specifically
different from what they have in heaven. (7) It is con-
siderable, Job xiii. 5, that when Job saw the Lord extra-
ordinarily, he thought his former knowledge but a knowing
God by the hearing of the ear; and yet, when Job knew
but by the hearing of the ear, and not by the seeing of the
eye, he was then a "just man, that feared God, and eschewed
evil." (8) I saw the Lord in glory with the eyes of my mind

172 Memoirs of the

once extraordinarily, and as I thought intuitively, the
impression and effects of which remain to this day. (9) I
have and find the real effects of saving knowledge. I trust
in Him, "They that know Thy name will put their trust in
Thee," Psalm ix. 10. It makes me prize and esteem Him,
and long for Him above all things, and mourn for His
absence as the greatest evil, John iv. 10, "If thou knewest
the gift of God, and who it is that asketh water of thee,
thou wouldest ask." Though the thing be not seen in its
cause, yet it is seen in its effects. (10) Folk may really
see and know God, though they neither mind it nor know it,
yea, though they think they do not so, John xiv. 9, Philip
desired to see the Father, as though He had never been
revealed to him; and yet Christ tells him he saw Him,
because he saw Christ. (11) The Lord saith, "To execute
judgement is to know the Lord." Our knowledge of God is
better discovered in our obedience to Him than in our
uptakings of Him. (12) As "herein is love, not that we
loved God, but that He loved us;" so herein is knowledge,
not that we know Him, but rather, as the Apostle saith,
Gal. iv. 9, "are known of Him." What shall I say, lastly
but as Mr Shepherd on the subject, "If ever the Lord hath
revealed Christ to thee, thou wilt go mourning to the grave
for want of Him, and for thy ignorance of Him so long?"
The Lord knows that it is the thing in the world I have
most desired, to know God and to see His glory.

\th Ground. That seldom hath there been a glorious
clear, distinct, and full covenanting with God. Something I
remember of the Lord's wooing of me; and how can the
Lord be mine unless some marriage-day hath been? And
whenever I have gone about this duty, how much heartless-
ness and confusion? In trouble I have been, but not a
distinct delivery. This objection is of the same nature with
the first, and therefore I answer (1), When the Lord first
made me see a need of Himself, and my misery in the want
of Him, and had wearied me of myself, I remember then He
discovered the Lord Jesus in His loveliness, and my soul,

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 173

even my whole soul, was made fully and for evermore to
close with Him, and Him only, and above all, and for all
things. And as this was the upshot of my tossings, so was
it the seed of all good that ever followed, and I was made
to express this much. (2) As, in the preparatory work of
humiliation, the Lord observes not the same method with
all, so, in the soul's closing with Christ, all do it not under
the same distinct notion. Some do it explicitly, and ex-
pressly subscribe with heart and hand that they are the
Lord's and swear fealty to Him; some close with Christ
implicitly and really, their heart clinging to Him and His
ways, though they be not distinct and express in this; yea,
some close with Christ, and are married to Him by and
under the notion of believing on Him with all their heart
for all things, and so cast themselves on Christ; and this is
covenanting, as covenanting is believing. And, therefore,
is faith expressed under several notions and terms, accord-
ing to the variety of men's apprehensions of it, and the
several exercises of the soul in going out after and closing
with Christ. Believing on Christ, and the will's liking of
Christ, and personal covenanting with Christ, are all one
upon the matter, viz., the soul's union with Christ; the
Lord is thine, however, and thou art His. It is both a
private and public solemn marriage; if once thou know any-
thing of it, look not for solemn marriages every day. Hardly
is the renewal of a covenant, which is frequent, so glorious
and signal as the first marriage-day.

$th Ground is, Not only the dim apprehensions, but the
unkindly uptakings and conceivings of the Lord in Christ,
as a strange God, and not under the kindly relation of a
father, and friend, and husband, which breeds aversion to
Him, so as I cannot trust on Him with my whole heart.
And this makes me fear I am but under the relation of a
servant, wanting the Spirit of adoption, and that I am yet
but a stranger, and not drawn near to Him in Christ, not a
son. To which I answer these things: (1) That, however,
in the beginning there was ground for this complaint, yet

174 Memoirs of the

that now there is no such cause, because that by serious
meditation on Christ, on His offices, on His carriage
towards sinners, and on His works of providence towards
myself, both as to my spiritual and temporal condition,
I have been helped to see the Lord, and uptake Him under
the kindly notion of a Father, yea, of my best and nearest
friend, of my life, hope, health, and light, so as "I am a
stranger on earth" with God. (2) That howbeit many are
sons indeed, and "have not received the spirit of bondage
again to fear," yet do they take to themselves this spirit
again; and the Lord suffers this, that even His children be
as servants, especially in the beginning, though they be
lords of all; and that the bond-woman with her son be con-
tinued with the heir of the promise, Gal. iv. 1, 2, 24. (3)
That as no sin is perfectly healed in this life, so neither is
the legal spirit of fear perfectly cast out; but when love is
perfect it will cast out fear, 1 John iv. 18, and is daily cast-
ing it out, (4) That as it is in children who know not dis-
tinctly their parents, but as strangers are afraid of them, yet
have a secret instinct of nature, their heart warms, and
cannot be kept away from them; so I have found with
myself, when most under bondage and hardest apprehen-
sions of God, that yet some kind of correspondence hath
been kept up, and that I have mourned for His absence as
under the greatest evil, could not be kept from Him, was
intimate and homely, though I had not such boldness and
confidence to be heard.

6th Ground. Because I am tempted to think I have not
been visited with special love, or the favour the Lord shows
to His people; and that all my enlargements, visitations,
light, change of heart, are but common mercies, no extra-
ordinary thing. And what can I build on them? I answer
(1), That though at first there appear little more than com-
mon mercies in them, yet have I by a more narrow search
found some special love and favour engraven upon them, as
I purpose to show hereafter. (2) What we meet with now
are but the earnest of the bargain, and that is little in respect

Rev. James Fraser of B re a. 175

of the bargain itself; and it matters not whether the earnest
be little or much, 2 Cor. v. 7. (3) We should judge of the
Lord's love rather by His sanctifying influences, humbling
and strengthening the heart, than by His ravishing enjoy-
ments and consolations. : We see the dreadful end of such
as boast much of that; it is the "adulterous generation"
that "seeketh after" such "signs." (4) The way and
manner of conveyance of mercies and spiritual visitations
are rather to be looked to than themselves. See if ye have
them by prayer, if ye have them of free grace, if they
represent, hold out, and draw to God, and the Lord be
stamped on them; not the gift but the giver : This day of
small things is not to be dispised. (5) The people of God
are a poor and needy people, kept empty, have all their
fulness in Christ, in the promise; and is to be revealed in
Heaven, where their treasure is. (6) This is an evil time, a
time of famine and beggary, in which it is good to be pre-
served from starving, and in which a little is worth twice as
much as at another time.

>}lh Ground. That the mercies received come not in a
gracious way, not as the answer of prayers, or as the result
of my patient waiting, but as it were by chance, my mercies,
oft-times trysting with my worst frame. To which I answer
(1), I have prayed, mourned, waited, and hoped for mercies,
though with much weakness and imperfection. It is not
the degree but the nature that is to be looked to. (2)
They are not the fruits of my prayers and endeavours; for
there is more ground of loathing me for these than rewarding
me. But they are come in a better and more comfortable
way, viz., by grace. The Lord trysts mercies with our
indispositions, that grace may be seen. It is rather a sign
of love than hatred, that grace is stamped on all favours and
enjoyments: "Not unto us, but unto Thy name." It is
better to hold mercies by this title. It is not fit that the
Lord's love should be proportioned to our endeavours;
where were grace then? "Not of works, lest any man
should boast." (3) They draw to God.

176 Memoirs of the

8th Ground. The Lord carrying as a stranger and an
enemy to me, crossing me in all my ways, not giving me my
will, so that it would seem He were not my father. To this
I answer these things: (1) That He causes grief, and shows
wrath, yet not pure wrath; He "takes not His loving-kind-
nesses utterly away," but they are "renewed every morning."
He shows much kindness in the midst of all His judgments.
(2) Our will, like children, is not our well; and it is a mercy
to be crossed in this. God knows what is best for us. (3)
This is a time of wrath, a night; and what wonder if storms
and darkness be? (4) Ye see, saints have complained of
this: "Why art thou unto me as an emeny?" Job saith,
"Thou art cruel unto me." (5) Sense represents God
falsely; it is to sense and fancy that God thus appears, not
to faith. We should take other interpreters than sense. (6)
We should not look upon all things that may be trials as
effects of wrath: "God hideth man from His purpose," that
He may hide pride, that the soul may be patient and humble,
and exercise faith. (7) It is utterly wrong that anything
without us should make us doubt our inward sincerity,
seeing these are extrinsic to it: "No man knoweth love or
hatred by anything under the sun."

gth Ground. That prayers are not directly and plainly
answered. To this I answer (1), As in the former, that it is
a thing without us, and so extrinsic to our sincerity. In this
matter, regard is to be had rather to the manner of our
prayers than to our answers. (2) There is no fear, if ye
pray in the name of Christ, in faith, in humility, and
sincerity, though they should not be answered. (3) I have
ever been helped in my extremity, in the deep, Psal. cxxx. 1.
(4) It is an ordinary complaint of saints, Psal. xxii. 1, 2;
Lam. iii. 8, "He shutteth out my prayer." (5) Prayers may
be suspended when they are not rejected, Luke xviii. 4, 7.
(6) There is no fear while ye continue in well doing; for
"in due time ye shall reap, if ye faint not." Where God
hath given a mouth and stomach, He will give meat. Your
cause is in dependence, not overthrown; and it is good that

Rev. James Fraser of Brca, 177

ye get what will bear your expenses till a decision be given.
(7) I find myself better and worse as I increase or decay in
prayer; a token they are not altogether-in vain. (8) Prayers
may be heard, and ye not know it, Hos. xi. 3. (9) The
answer of prayers is not ordinarily direct and plain in the
terms of our petition, but indirect; ye have not the same
thing ye seek, but ye are answered equivalently in as good.
(10) I get promises renewed, (n) It is like, when the
Lord will build up Zion, there will be many answers dis-
patched. Now is a sowing time; hereafter is our harvest,
and then all petitions shall be answered. (12) After search,
I found some petitions directly answered; and it is want of
taking up and considering our returns, or our own sloth,
that hinders us from discerning our returns. Sometimes the
Lord hears, and we are so prejudiced that we will not believe
it, as in Job's case.

10th Ground. Want of compassion to, and deep appre-
hension of, the lamentable soul's case of my unconverted
relations and ignorant, profane, formal neighbours: Oh it
lies not heavy on my spirit! Do I believe therefore a hell
or heaven, or that the ignorant or unconverted shall go to
hell? I answer (1), By confessing that there is great want
of compassion, and faith, and seriousness in this, and that
there is great deadness — Lord help it; for we believe, love,
and prophesy but in part only. (2) I mourn for this, and
this deadness is loathsome and hateful to me. (3) I am
yet helped, upon occasional views of their condition, to
have my sorrow stirred, and to be earnest for them with the
Lord, yea, and to pour forth tears and sighs of grief for them,
and to find my compassion sensibly stirred.

11th Ground is a constant indisposition of spirit to all
manner of duties, unwillingness to enter to them, wearied
and heartless in them, and glad when they are done; so
that I fear there is not a new nature which delights in the
Law of God. To which I answer these things: (1) That as
there is a regenerate and unregenerate part in every believer,
which is continually opposite to that which is good; so this

12

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indisposition doth proceed from the unregenerate part in
which no good thing dwelleth, Rom. vii. 8; and this should
make us question our state no more than the being of a
body of death. (2) That I find something in me that mourns
under this, which esteems, approves, and sees a glory and
delight in the Law of the Lord, Rom. vii. 22. "The Spirit
is willing, but the flesh is weak." (3) That therefore I am
not so much wearied of the duty (which I love), but of my
own ill heart in the duty: As a loving son, that hath a
pained foot, is willing to run his father's errand, and glad to
be employed, and yet the sore foot makes the journey a
burden; there is a thorn in the flesh. An unsound heart's
opposition is to the duty itself; hypocrites love not all duties.
1 2th Ground. Because I found not a full resolution to
obey some difficult commands, such as plain and free re-
proof, especially of great folk; plain dealing with my
acquaintances as to their state: Which makes me think I
am not universal as to my obedience; and that I am but
partial in my obedience. To this I answer these things:
(t) That though I exceedingly fail in the manner as being
heartless, general, and having base ends, not altogether
respecting the good of the party I deal with; yet, through
grace, I win to do the duty as to the matter and substance
of it. (2) That when I do it, I find I do it not only to ease
my conscience, but out of respect to the command of God.

(3) That I prize, love, esteem, and have respect to this
duty, and my heart would be at it; and am straitened and in
pain till I discharge it. I approve that "the Law is holy."

(4) I pray, mourn, and loathe myself under my failings in
this, and have fetched it to Christ; and it is strange to me
that that sin, for which I groan to the Lord Jesus to be
delivered from it, should or can damn me. It is the Lord's
controversy: "Wilt thou not be made clean?" (5) It is
through accident that those duties are omitted, through my
natural bashful temper. A man would do a thing willingly,
but is in bonds that he cannot get it done; I find that
"when I would do good, evil is present." (6) There is

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 179

not a full conviction of the duty, but especially of the way
and manner how it should be performed: "How to do I
know not."

\$th Ground. That I am not so taken up in heart with
heaven, in longing after it, delighting and rejoicing in the
expectations thereof; and, therefore, my heart not being
there, it is likely it is not my treasure. To which I answer
(1), Look, as when Philip said to Christ, "Show us the
Father, and it sufficeth us;" Christ answers, "You have
known Him, because he that hath seen Me hath seen the
Father." So I say: He that desires and mourns after Christ
mourns for sin, and desires to be holy, loves the fellowship
of God's people, doth really love and long for heaven; for
what is heaven but the enjoyment of Christ and conformity
to Him; though in a more clear and distinct notion? (2)
My unwillingness to go to heaven doth proceed from a
desire to do some service for Christ ere I went: Much of
my work I suspect is yet undone. (3) This proceeded
from a want of a full assurance of my future happiness and
some fears; for I love the thing. (4) I find myself of late
more distinct and clear in my longings after, and joyful
expectations of heaven, and my heart more heavenly-minded.

i^th Ground. That I grow not, nor come not speed;
nor am I throughing [advancing in] my work, but ever after
one manner. I answer (1), That though there may be
growth in grace, yet it appears not always sensibly, but
grows as a seed of corn, and a man knows not; it "comes
not with observation." (2) Notwithstanding of remaining
evils, yet do I find a remarkable growth, though not in the
bulk of graces, yet as to the nature and purity; I have made
better work, though not so much of it; I work more
evangelically than I did before, with purer ends; I grow
downward if not upward. (3) I have found a growth in
faith, in love, in patience, in humility; dying to the world
and myself and self-righteousness, and living unto God:
Though in that which I propose to myself there is no
growth. Yea (4), There is an expediency, if not a necessity,

180 Memoirs of the

of pulling down a certain kind of righteousness; and hence
a man shall find himself worse than before, ere ever the
righteousness of God be set up.

15/// Ground. Because I find such an evil heart in me,
such blindness, hardness of heart, carnality, pride, and other
sins, and in such an high degree, that I say, "Did ever the
Lord renew this heart? I answer (1), "In me, that is, in my
flesh, dwelleth no good thing; and as to my unrenewed
part, I am "carnal, and sold under sin." There is a "body
of death" in all. (2) As I find this in my flesh, so do I find
a new man, that knows, delights in the Lord and His ways,
and continually hates and opposes the body of death.

1 6th Ground. That I enjoy not this Lord Himself in
ordinances, in public or private prayer, in hearing of the
Word, or reading thereof, or through meditation; There is
not that special fellowship with the Lord Himself, nor the
glory or power of Christ found and seen; some light and
strength, but little or none of God. To this I answer (1),
That I really desire and love the Lord Christ above any-
thing, and mourn for want of Him, and come to ordinances
for Himself, and am unsatisfied with anything, though never
so glorious, if it fetch not nor reveal a Christ to me: Yea, I
love everything for His cause mostly; and it makes every
mercy sweet to me, that it comes from the Lord. (2)
Although through mine own sloth and unbelief, and because
of an evil time and day of wrath there are not such plain
and full visions of God; yet have I found ordinances, and
duties, and works of Providence, reveal something of the
Lord Himself, and of His love and greatness, so as my soul
hath been drawn to the Lord Himself thereby, and to love,
and admire, and adore, and delight in Him the more. (3)
I have found the ordinances and means (though not sensibly
nor presently, yet) in process of time bringing forth real
fruits of holiness, so as I had reason to bless the Lord for
such occasions; even as my body is really (though not
sensibly) nourished by meat and drink. However, this
point deserves a more serious consideration.

Rev. James Fraser of Urea. 181

i *]th Groutid. That my thoughts of sin, of hell, and of
heaven, do not beget such lively impressions upon my soul.
I tremble not at sin, death, and hell; I am not rejoicing in
hope of glory; and this makes me think my knowledge and
faith is but dead and lifeless. To this I answer (i), That
though in my sensitive faculty I find not these impressions
of joy and fear, yet do I find them in my estimative, ap-
preciative faculty; so as I really judge sin to be the greatest
evil, and am really most troubled with it; and I judge
Christ, His grace and holiness, to be really the greatest good.
A man is more pained, tormented, troubled, and cries out
more for a boil on his finger than he doth when he knoweth
he hath a hectic fever or consumption ; and yet he truly
judges the one a greater evil than the other. There is more
fear than grief in the damned for sin than in any saint; and
a soul newly converted and drawn to the ways of God, with
assurance of Christ's love, hath more sensible joy than a
grown, assured Christian. Grace goes not by the sensible
impressions on the affections, or rising of the sensitive
faculty or appetite, which outward and sensible objects do
elevate. (2) Saints have found and lamented this dis-
temper, as it is such, and yet have not quit their interest,
Isa. lxiii. 17, "Why hast Thou hardened our hearts from Thy
fear?" And hence David and the Church do cry frequently
for quickening, "Quicken us, O Lord, and we will call on
Thy name." (3) Baxter saith well, "Hardness of heart is
more in the will and practice than in the sensitive faculty;"
as is easy proven by Scripture. Disobedience is hardness
of heart in Scripture.

\Zth Ground is from my spiritual pride, which streams
itself through all my actions, even my most spiritual, and
hence I find that I resolve to be holy, to get an esteem,
not from men but from conscience; I mourn for sin as it is
a weakness, and as it is contrary to my design and resolu-
tions. Yea, though I find an insufficiency in duties to save
me* and so of necessity made to flee to another, yet do I
find my heart secretly wishing that it were otherwise, that

1 82 Memoirs of the

life were to be had through our own works; and this makes
me secretly desire and endeavour to do something on earth
that might be a part of my crown in heaven: and I found a
despising of the glory revealed in heaven, if freely given, and
no way merited; so that I am by this put to question whether
ever I was dead to the law or not. To which I answer,
omitting what may be answered to this by what hath been
said, I satisfy myself with this, That as I find a spirit of self
and pride acting, so do I find a spirit of humility loathing
myself for this my pride, and a secret contentedness in
breaking my resolutions even when they were good, because
self was thereby debased, and the counsel of the Lord did
stand: Yea, and I find "I rejoice in my infirmities, that
the power of Christ may rest upon me;" and I love heaven
the better, because it is the purchase of Christ's blood, and
the fruit of free grace. 2dfy, "Self will be in every action
(saith Shepherd); and this body of death will discover itself
thus, as well as any other way."

igth Ground. I find such instability in my heart and
ways, such unequal steps betwixt the Lord and my idols,
that I fear my whole heart is not come to the Lord; I am
not his only. Oh the one heart, the united heart, the
conjugal heart! But, alas! mine is parted betwixt the Lord
and idols; and I sometimes delight in the Lord, and some-
times in my idols and worldly contentment, 2 Kings xvii.
33, They served the Lord, and they served their idols. I
answer: 1st, No man ever closed so fully with Christ, or
had such a conjugal love, but had some inclinations to idols,
by reason of the unregenerate part. Our union of faith and
love is imperfect, as well as any other grace; the unregenerate
carnal part cries still for, and would be at, its lovers. In
heaven our affections shall be wholly for the Lord. 2dly,
The renewed part is for the Lord wholly and only, and gives
not consent to what the flesh doth, but is led captive, and
sighs under the bondage, and cries out against its own heart-
whorishness; and the denomination is taken from the better
part. "O miserable man that I am, who shall deliver me

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 183

from this body of death?'' Unrenewed men contentedly
and allowedly divide their affections, they loathe not nor
abhor themselves. 3d/)', I find the Lord's interest growing
stronger and stronger in my soul.

2ot/i Ground. When I read that the "unprofitable
servant is cast into utter darkness," and consider the great
disproportion that is betwixt my service and my rule and
the former practice of saints, I cannot conceive how I can
go to heaven, how the just Lord will give heaven to such an
unprofitable servant; will ever Christ say to me, "Well
done, good and faithful servant?" But for this I answer
these things: \st, Heaven is not promised to the degree or
measure of grace, but to the nature of it; the Lord accepts
mites, cups of cold water, grains of mustard-seed; He will
not quench smoking flax: I do service, though I cannot
weigh it in measure. 2dly, Such is the condescendency and
lovely nature of Christ, that He will crown those duties we
are ashamed to own. Christ counts and prizes saints' duties
more than anything else in the world: "Ye visited Me, fed
Me, gave Me drink. When saw we Thee hungry or naked?
In that ye did it to one of these little ones, ye did it to Me."
It is Christ's gracious property, He is soon pleased, and His
yoke is easy. Parents are wonderfully taken up with the
poorest and simplest action or speeches of their children.
There is a fatherly love in Christ. ?,dfy, Heaven comes by
grace, by Christ's blood, and not by works; works are not
your title to glory. "No law music," saith Rutherford, "in
heaven; no, "worthy is the Lamb." Look not to what thou
hast done, but to what Christ hath done; ye neither share in
whole nor in part with Christ: good works are mentioned,
not to buy or purchase glory by, but to evidence an interest
in Christ and sincerity in grace; if there be as much as will
evidence sincerity, there is enough. The least gold is gold
as well as the greatest piece.

As for those general answers I promised, because these
are included in the special answers given to the special
objections; and in respect I am in the next section to go

184 Memoirs of the

over some things relating to the same purpose, I shall not
mention them.

SECTION VI.

Declaring my evidences of Regeneration and Heaven.

1st, A continued prizing and esteeming, and love of, and
desire and mourning for, and longing after God in Christ
above all things, above gifts, saints, duties, graces, and joys;
and this wrought of new in my soul by an almighty power.
"I love them that love Me;" 1 Peter ii. 7, "To you that
believe Christ is precious."

2d/)>, Real and fervent love to the saints, yea, all saints,
and because such; with a contempt and hatred of others.
I prize, esteem, and delight in the fellowship of saints above
what I have to my nearest relations; and by this I gather
that I am translated "from death to life," and shall one day
reign with them, 1 John iii 14.

$dfy, I am in heart engaged to the Lord Jesus His
service, accounting it most glorious; and am desiring and
accounting it as my greatest mercy to be employed for Him,
and mourned for my unprofitableness, and great loss Christ
is at with me as the greatest evil, 1 John iii. 10; John xv.
14, and have been assisted to do so in some measure; and
that my shortcomings have proceeded from ignorance and
unbelief.

\thly, Because that when, through the violence of temp-
tations and suggestions, my fears do arise, and I then go
and stayedly and diligently examine myself according to the
Scriptures, and submit it to their determination, I find my
condition and case good, and am made to hope; and if the
Word absolve, who can condemn? Psal. xcvi. 13: Isa. viii.
20; Rom. ii. 2, The judgment of God is according to truth.

5 taty, Because, when, by the power of tentations and
unbelief I conclude or apprehend I am unregenerate, I find
much evil thereby, and these conclusions, like poison, utterly

Rev. Janits Eraser of Brea. 185

to wrong my soul, and my heart drawn from God, and
utterly weakened to duty. Whereas, I concluding my state
gracious, I find my heart enlarged, God's countenance
shining upon me, hatred to sin, and strength to go about
duty; which I look upon as the Lord's sealing these con-
clusions.

bthly\ Because that the Lord, by His mighty power,
answering all my objections clearly and fully, with much
pains, hath made me believe on the Lord Jesus, and come
to Him, not only for peace and comfort, but likewise mainly
for Himself and for sanctification, for removal, not of some
sins only, but of all sin; and, above all, for delivery from
my wicked nature; esteeming real conformity to and enjoy-
ment of God the greatest mercy, and a natural condition
the sorest evil, by which I distinguish my faith from hypo-
crites, Hosea xiv. 2; Micah iii. n.

jt/z/y, Because my love, faith, patience, and obedience,
have been tried by the winds and storms of temptations,
especially inward; and yet, through the strength of Christ
my bow hath not broken, but He hath increased my
strength; by which I am made to think I am built on the
Rock, Luke vi. 48.

8t/ify, Because I have found the Lord, when He was
drawing me to Himself, observe the same wray which He
uses to draw His own to Himself. For I have found that
He hath discovered my undone condition by nature, my
distance writh and enmity to God, and my wildness; He
hath affected me with this as the greatest evil; He hath
discovered my inability to help myself, discovered to me
my heart-pollutions, the insufficiency of duties; wearied and
loaded me with my heart and ways, so as I utterly despaired
of myself and ways, only hoping in the Lord secretly; and
now, while undone, and acknowledging the Lord's righteous-
ness, I have by many wonderful providences, great and con-
tinued pains, been made with much ado, and over the belly
of all objections, to come to Christ, and to believe on Him
for upmaking all my wants, especially the want of Himself;

1 86 Memoirs of the

and have received His promise upon this, which hath
satisfied me, and given rest to my wearied soul; so that
now I find His word my abiding security, and the Lord my
light, strength, consolation, and glory. And being thus
made by an omnipotent power to come to Himself by the
warrant and on the authority of His Word, and that for all
things, I do expect He will not cast me off, nor cast off the
work of His hands; but, being called, will likewise be
"justified and glorified," John vi. 37; Rom. viii. 30.

gt/i/j, I find a real, inward, universal, and abiding change
from darkness to light, from sin and Satan to God and His
ways, wrought by a great power; and can remember how,
and by what means, and when it was wrought, and how the
Lord daily perfects it. By which change I am differenced
from the rest of the world, and from what I was myself
before conversion, and from all hyprocrites in the world; by
which change, and that "all things are new," I gather I am
in Christ, 2 Cor. v. 17; Eph. iv. 22, 23, 24.

io//ify, Because, comparing myself, exercises of spirit,
properties, and sins, with the saints in Scripture, I find them
answer to one another as face doth to face; I find them
complain of the same evils and distempers I complain of;
and, in condemning myself, I must likewise condemn them,
and so "offend the generation of the righteous." And
when I pass hasty conclusions against myself, I next say,
Is there any that hath grace? And so, being like them,
and of them, I think I will share alike with them at last.

wthly, A sensible growth in humility, knowledge,
sobriety, faith, patience, love to Christ, deadness to the
world and repentance; whereas hypocrites fall away. And,
therefore, think that the good work is begun, seeing the
Lord is daily perfecting it, Philip, i. 6; and this shows it
to be a fountain "springing up to everlasting life," seeing
it is not dried up, John iv. 14.

12M/V, An universal "respect to all commands," hatred
to all sins; which is kythed in my loving every one of these
commands, endeavouring to do every one of them, seeing a

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 187

glory in every one of them, and mourning for all omissions,
though through ignorance and infirmity I win not up to do
them, Luke i. 6; Psal. cxix. 6.

13M/1', I find, by diligent examination of myself accord-
ing to the Scriptures, a clear difference betwixt all my graces
and such as I have seen or read to be in hypocrites; and
though I think I come behind all saints, yet find in me
what is not in any hypocrite, Matth. v. 20, " Except your
righteousness exceed," etc.

\tfhly, That my works, obedience, and exercise of grace,
come continually through faith, and from Gospel principles,
rather than from legal motives; and that the consideration
of honouring Christ doth draw me more strongly to my
duty than any other motive whatsomever of benefit; which
I look upon as the filial spirit and spirit of love given to
sons, Rom. viii. 15; Gal. iv. 6; 2 Cor. i. 22; 2 Tim. i. 17.
So that, as Isaac, the son of the promise, I can do nothing
but through faith, and out of sense of His love and strength,
Gal. iv. 28.

1 5 />#/)•, That I am not satisfied with any measure of
grace, or length in duty, or communion with God, but ever-
more desire more; which shows to me that it is desired for
itself and not for its effects, seeing the least measure of grace
will bring to heaven. This was Paul's spirit, Philip, iii. n,
12, 13; 1 Cor. xv. 57.

\6thly, Because I find true poverty of spirit, and find a
wildness in my best works, and mourn over my best per-
formances, wondering that ever the Lord Jesus should
respect them, glorying only in the Lord Jesus, Matth. v. 3;
Isa. lxvi. 2. Hypocrites are never emptied of themselves.

ijt/ify, I find a hatred, loathing of, and mourning for, all
sins of omission as well as commission; sins of others as
well as mine own sins; secret sins and little sins as well
as great sins; and Gospel sins above all sins; looking on sin
as the greatest evil, Matth. v. 4.

iStA/v, Self-loathing and contented submission to the
Lord in hardest dispensations, because it is the will of God;

1 88 Memoirs of the

and accepting the punishment of sin, Job i. Hypocrites
murmur when tried, and in their heart curse God. This was
the trial of Job's sincerity; if he had been an hypocrite, he
would have cursed God either in heart or mouth.

igth/y, Because, in reading of the Scriptures, there is
nothing that the Lord's Spirit so applies and takes to my
heart as encouragements, and promises, and persuasions, to
do good unto others, and patience, and faith; and to be of
good cheer, for God will not speak peace to the wicked, Isa.
lvii. 21, and iii. 10. "Say to the righteous, It shall be well
with them."

2othly, I find that, in all evils that befall me, I am never
suffered to put an ill-construction upon them; and a spirit
secretly suggesting to me that it is for good, so as my heart
is no way more sanctified than by this, Rom. viii. 15, and
this I look upon as the Spirit's witness.

2vstly\ That I never commit a fault, little or great, but it
is corrected, Amos iii. 2, "You only have I known of all
the families of the earth, therefore will I punish you for all
your iniquities:" and this I look upon as a fatherly kindness;
nay, that which He suffers in others, He reproves in me.

22dly, The Lord by all dispensations is wearying my
soul of the world, putting enmity betwixt me and the world
more and more; whereby I gather that I am not of the
world

23^/v, The Lord's constant following me with manifold
kindnesses and love, in strengthening, comforting, quicken-
ing, supporting, visiting, and delivering me, being with me
always in all my ways, never leaving me, doing me always
good, bearing with all my infirmities. I find the Lord's
Providence one constant tract of kindness, bearing me in His
arms as an eagle doth her young, by all means commending
Himself to me; because He loved first, I am loved to the
end. How shall I know a father's heart, but by his fatherly
dealing towards me? John xiii. 1.

2i\thly, I have by observation found, that everything
works for good to me, the Lord doing good to me by sins,

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 189

desertions, tentations, and afflictions. The end hath been a
discovery of the Lord's kindness in supporting and com-
forting me when troubled, and delivering me out of it, which
hath drawn my love and confidence to Him; by these hath
He kept me waking and tried, exercised, and increased any
good in me. All His wrays I have found mercy and truth,
Psal. xxv. 10; Rom. viii. 28.

25////)', I have seen grace stamped on all my mercies:
as they come of grace, so I am made to see them all flowing
in this channel. It is the elect that are saved by grace; the
"children of the promise."

26////1', When I have been several times in anguish of
spirit by reason of doubting of my interest, the Lord Jesus
hath come and spoken to my soul in the Gospel, and told
me He was reconciled to me; desired me not to fear; that
He would do all things for me that I wanted; commanded
me to believe; gave me grounds and reasons for believing;
and overcame me, and made me believe. And hath He
promised and will He not fulfil it? My hopes are built on
the promise of God; He "cannot deny Himself."

2jthly, I remark a special hand of God in all my deliver-
ances. In a word, He lets none do me good but Himself;
a token that He is my Lord. Who is it that cares for the
children, and provides for the wife, but the husband and
father ?

SECTION VII.

Declaring some practical considerations and instructions which
the Lord taught, and by which I attained to settling and
peace as to my interest in Christ, and through which mists,
doubts, and fears, were driven away.

I have been, for a long time after the Lord had indeed
shown kindness to me, kept under by a spirit of bondage,
through fears, and doubts, and mistakes, under which I
have groaned for several years after my first conversion,

190 Memoirs of the

through manifold sins and temptations; which did not only
take away my peace, but did me much prejudice otherwise:
but in process of time the Lord did dispel these mists and
fears, and by His word and Spirit of wisdom made me see
things freely given me of God, establishing my heart. He
discovered my mistakes, so as now I believe rather that I
am converted, and my way and day is lightsome. The
means and considerations were:

1. That there may be grace in the soul really, though it
appear not gloriously unto the soul. "Our life is hid in
Christ," Col. iii. 3; and "we know not what we shall be,"
1 John iii. 2. There is indeed a marvellous glory in grace
and the spirit of holiness, but it is sullied with corruption;
and our eyes are dim, and cannot see this glory but darkly:
this is the rust and dross that is in and upon this glorious
metal. We are now "lying among the pots; I am black,"
saith the spouse. Our graces discover themselves by their
effects rather than by themselves, as a little smothered fire
doth by the smoke; hence, say not there is no grace, because
ye see not the glory of it.

2. The Lord made me consider and know, that however,
where there is one grace, there are all graces as to their
being; yet are not all graces exercised when one is. The
exercise of one grace, proceeding from life, shows that all
graces are there, though the life of grace stream not nor
vent itself in all actions; and, therefore, when we see grace
stop one way, it ordinarily breaks out in another. Love
cannot delight in God when He is away, because the object
of delight must be present; but love vents itself in sorrow
for want of, and ardent desires after, the beloved object. I
cannot get this and that done, saith the soul; but grace
vents itself another way, to wit, in mourning and self-loath-
ing: and we see this frequently in Scripture, that there is
ordinarily but one grace exercised, or two at one time;
seldom do we see the ship with all her sails up. Think
not, therefore, the gracious exercises of thy spirit delusions or
co7nmon ivork, when thou canst not exercise all graces.

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 191

3. That grace and corruption are not to be looked upon
in their actings on the sensitive and passionate faculties, so
much as on the mind and will; for the strength of sin is
there. Rom. vii. 21, Paul distinguished the law in his
members, and the law of his mind. I thought, and so do
many still, that hardness of heart was want of horrors, great
fears, and terrors upon the spirit; but, by looking into the
Scriptures, I see it consists more in the rebellion of the will
and understanding. Mark vi. 52, It is said of the disciples,
that "they did not believe, for their hearts were hardened."
Pharaoh's hardness of heart did consist in the disobedience
of his will. Gross objects and novelties have much influ-
ence on the sensitive faculties; therefore there is no ground
to fear, though, \mo, We cannot tear nor be tormented with
horror for sin; though we find not so passionate desires
after -God, and so sensible as we do feel in the stomachs
when we are hungry, or after an outward object. 2do, See
what may be the cause why there is more tenderness at first
conversion than afterwards. ^tio) Learn hence to judge of
the graciousness of your spirits by the manner ye resolve in,
more than by the executions of your resolutions. The
frame of the heart in resolving should be more looked unto
than in doing; for the outward court is given unto the
Gentiles. Look to your estimations, love, desires, will,
purposes, rather than to any other thing

4. True evangelical repentance consists rather in a sweet
melting of hearF7oT*'sin, and loathing and forsaking of it,
than in a fearful sensible apprehension of wrath and horror;
for "perfect love casteth out fear." And the humiliation
which God requires is, to "break the bands of wickedness,"
Isa. lviii. 6; otherwise the damned should have most repent-
ance; 2 Cor. vii. 10, "Godly sorrow worketh not death."
Do not think thou wantest repentance, though thou wantest
horror.

5. That the spirit of bondage, and horrors, and law-work,
did in themselves produce evil effects, weakened the hands,
drove from the Lord, and were evil in themselves, and con-

192 Memoirs of the

trary to the commands of God, "Fear not, cast out the
bond-woman" contrary to Christ's ends, "These things have
I spoken that ye might have peace;" contrary to Christ's
allowance, "Ye have not received the spirit of bondage
again to fear:" and therefore desire not a law-work or
horrors, much less think not yourselves not sincere though
ye want it and are kindly dealt with, but be rather thankful.
It is true, the Lord by accidents doth good by this legal
spirit. It is well distinguished by one, who distinguishes
betwixt the event of a thing, and the effect of a thing.

6. "There may be sincerity in the heart, and love to
God, when the Lord heareth not prayer, hides His face, and
frowns, afflicts, and crosses, and smites in all the labour of
the hand: we see, saints complained of this before. The
Father is still a father when he chastises, yea, will chastise
because he is a father, Amos iii. 2, Be more holy, and please
God, and He will be a father to you. These may be trials;
when thou therefore findest these things, conclude not that
the Lord is thine enemy.

7. The quality, and nature, and sincerity of actions and
graces, are rather to be looked into than the measure.
Christ notices the widow's mite, and cup of cold water, and
the grain of mustard-seed. Consider not then how much,
as what: grace and mercy here is but the earnest of glory.
You will not question the bargain because of the quantity
of the earnest. Be then thankful and rejoice in little
mercies; the Lord's people are a poor and needy people.
Hast thou love, faith, humility, or knowledge? Then
question not your state, though they run low.

8. By powerfully persuading me that it is the duty of all
to believe on Christ, to come to Him; yea, both good and
bad, humbled and unhumbled, are to rest on Him. It is
true, none will believe but humbled sinners; and, therefore,
are ministers bound to show them their misery, that they
may seek to the physician. But it is the duty of all to
believe; it is a moral duty that glorifies God, enjoined to
the ignorant Jews, John vi. 28, 29, and the wicked are

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 193

damned for want of this. And, therefore, though I find not
these qualifications in me, I am not to stay away from
Christ, but rather to come; for Christ as a Saviour is de-
clared to save sinners immediately. Though unhumbled,
yet it is thy duty to believe, as well as to sanctify a Sabbath.

9. Evils, such as afflictions, desertions, tentations, sins,
plagues of heart, though in themselves they be evil, yet are
in their end and destination from love and for good. The
physician doth not hate because he makes the patient sick,
nor doth the parent abhor because he correcteth. Hag. ii.
17, "Smiting in all the labour of the hands" is, that they
may turn. Hos. v. 15, The Lord's leaving of a land, and
hiding of His face, is, that they may acknowledge their
iniquities: the rod is, Isa. xxvii. 9, to "purge away sin."
The messenger indeed is hard-favoured and unpleasant to
behold, but he hath a love-letter from God, and a sweet
message; God therefore may love me, though I be trysted
with these evils.

10. Prayers unanswered are not a sign of hatred. God
hears, accepts, and loves the prayer, which He presently, to
sense, directly answers not. imo, The beloved people of
God complained of this. 2do, Unnecessary and needless
petitions are only denied, such as great measures of grace,
extraordinary raptures. 3//^, We ask what is not good for
us; God will not give a knife to cut our hands. 4/0, God
never denies His people without a reason, and sometimes
shows the reason, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9. 5/0, God answers materi-
ally and equivalently, though not in our way, fancy, and
notion. 6&?, Christ's answers are oftentimes mysterious, and
we uptake them not; when He really answers, it is we that
hear not, because Christ opens His mouth in dark sayings.
7 mo, They are but suspended and not rejected, and shall be
answered. Svoy Thou art the better of prayer, it is blessed
to thee: what though thou get not what thou goest to court
for? yet the Lord gives thee what bears thy charges coming
and going, and bids thee come again. gmo, Thou gettest a
promise of answer.

*3

194 Ale mo us of the

ii. The love of God to a soul doth vent itself more in
humbling, strengthening, and sanctifying the soul, than in
comforting it with extraordinary raptures. They are not
the strongest nor the best beloved Christians, whose sense
is most indulged; "Blessed are they who see not, and
believe." Believing Mary is prohibited to touch Christ,
and unbelieving Thomas is commanded to put his hands in
his side. I have seen some, that have had great raptures of
joy, prove but stark naught. The greatest mercy is holiness
and grace to honour Him; if God bestow that, doubt not of
His love, He will come again in heaven, and vent His love
to thee.

12. The love of God doth vent itself to a gracious soul,
not always in the channel wThich the soul cuts out to it to
run in ; it vents itself under any trouble, rather in supporting
and comforting the soul under trouble, than in removing it.
When the bush burns, the Lord's love manifests itself, not
in quenching the fire altogether, but in keeping the bush
unconsumed. Rejoice therefore, if comforted, supported,
and sanctified under trouble, though not delivered from it.

13. Our happiness, and Christ's love to us, doth appear
and is more in the promise, in Himself, and by what He will
give, than by what saints have received or presently feel.
"Our life is hid with Christ; and we knowr not what we shall
be." We have now but the earnest; "ear hath not heard, eye
hath not seen, what is prepared." Here is sorrow, labour,
pain, and wants. Ye will never love Christ, nor rejoice in
your portion, if you look not above your receivings, and to
what you have in heaven; "Fear not, it is your Father's
good pleasure to give you the kingdom."

14. A gracious frame doth not always last. True grace,
as to the being, never perishes, though as to the disposition
and exercise it may and doth. When the Lord hath visited
a soul, and made the heart tender, and shined upon it, and
then drawn a veil, and the soul findeth itself dead and heart-
less, it secretly thinketh all that it had formerly to be
delusions, and so is unthankful and discouraged; why,

Rev. James Ft user of Brea, 195

because it is perished, and so at best it is but common.
But a thing may remain in its root ("his seed abideth in
him") though the leaves fall; yea, it must be so, that thou
mightest repair to the fountain, Christ, to fill thy empty
bottles in: see it in saints; "All flesh is grass." The meat
ye eat in the morning will not serve at night.

15. By considering that the Lord, and His grace, mercy,
and truth, is the ground of our hope, rejoicing, and glorying,
our life, our light and consolation; He is "the confidence
of all the ends of the earth," 1 Cor. i. 31. Therefore our
sins or shortcomings, weakness, blindness, should not dis-
courage us, or make us doubt of heaven, or any mercy;
because our title is not founded on these, but on the Lord
Jesus Himself, and our hopes should be proportioned to the
grounds of our hope. "In the Lord Jehovah is everlasting
strength," therefore is there never ground of doubting.

16. As Christ in the days of His flesh, and appearance
in the world, was growing up "as a plant out of a dry
ground," and that His "kingdom came not with observa-
tion;" so may the Lord come quietly without noise or din
into a soul, and they not know it. It is a mistake to think,
as many do, that when this Lord Jesus and King of glory
shall come to the soul, heaven shall be, as it were, opened,
and some glorious rapture, as the Jews did dream of His
outward coming: no; He may come to the soul in a very
poor and despicable condition, and ordinarily He is in the
still small voice. Think not therefore that Christ came not
to thy soul, because thou hast not seen Him in pomp and
glory.

17. The Lord's dealings and method with others are not
our rule. It is the cause of much doubting and disquiet-
ness, that persons, reading unattentively in books the Lord's
way to others, hence cut out this channel to themselves, and
think, Thus and thus I must be dealt with, or else not at
all, and hence seek; and if the Lord truly come, yet if not
in their model, they care not, believe not. 2 Kings v. n,
Because the prophet would not cure Naaman in the way he

196 Memoirs of the

proposed, he is offended. Let God tutor you. This is a
"limiting of the Holy One." The Lord may really come,
and yet never in that way thou chalkest out to Him.

18. By making me consider and seriously ponder, that
there is flesh and an unrenewed part, which inclineth to all
evil, and leadeth captive to death, as well as there is a new
man. And hence be not disquieted, as many are, though
ye find carnality, pride, and opposition to every good way;
if thou find a renewed part fighting against this, loathing
thyself for and mourning under this; but cast the saddle on
the right horse; attribute all thy evil to the flesh, and thy
good to the Spirit.

19. Times should be distinguished. If in winter ye
see neither leaves nor fruit on trees, ye wonder not: this
is a winter, a day of famine; and, therefore, though the
Lord never wholly leave His people, yet are there certain
seasons when all the saints' life and glory may be in the
root; this is a day of famine, and of wrath and desolation.
The righteous "bring forth fruit in their season."

20. Faith is the most profitable duty to ourselves,
most pleasing to God; and, on the contrary, I have found
unbelief most hateful and dishonourable to God, and most
prejudicial to myself, and therefore by all means to be
shunned.

2T. Neither books, nor providences, nor suggestions,
are our rule to judge ourselves by, nor to be credited
absolutely; but the Scripture is our rule, and we are to
judge of all things by it, and to fall and stand to this
master. And every spirit, suggestion, and apprehension,
ere it be admitted, is to be tried by Scripture; and if
according to the Scripture ye be found sincere, then let
books, suggestions, and all say what they will. And truly,
most men's fears and doubts proceed from mistaken marks
given in books, or dumb suggestions, I think; but saith
the Scripture so? Isa. viii. 20.

22. Look not so much on the beginning of a Christian's
life or exercise ns to the end; God's dealings begin with

Rev. James F/aser of Brea. 197

tragedies, and end in comedies. The Lord will "do thee
good in thy latter end; the latter end of that man is peace."

SECTION VIII.

Containing general and special Rides for ordering my speech
behaviour, and practice.

The Lord's people walk by rule; their life is fitly com-
pared, Heb. xii. 1, to a race; and I have therefore thought
upon some general rules to be observed as the foundation
of all true religion.

1. General Rules.

1st, Labour to know and find out wherein a man's chief
happiness doth consist: have an end to follow; till a man
intend right, he can never have a right motion. Fix the
heart in the belief of this, that the enjoyment of God in
Christ is our happiness; and make the heart to close with
this. Alas! the most of us walk at random, like beasts,
without an end. This is the foundation of all, John xvii.
3, "It is life eternal to know God, and Whom He hath
sent.

2d, It will much contribute to our motion in the way,
to be armed with a strong and deliberate resolution to
walk in such ways; this will determine us, Psal. cxix. 106,
in, "I have chosen Thy precepts as mine heritage for ever."
"I have sworn, and I will perform it, that I will observe all
Thy righteous judgments." Consider and weigh the ad-
vantages and disadvantages of religion, and then thoroughly
determine and bind thyself with the strongest engagements;
be positive, not halting.

3d, Labour to have and keep right, sound, orthodox,
and charitable thoughts of God: fix a lovely character
of God in thy heart, such as, Exod. xxxiv. 6, 7. Fix the
faith of God's attributes — study this most; "This is life
eternal." Rom. x. 14, "How shall they call on Him whom

198 Memoirs of the

they have not known?" It is a superstitious unprofitable
worship that is not to the true God.

4///, Be always in duty; racers must keep the gate : never
be idle. As there is an end, so there is a way; never sit
still. Lay it as a foundation, to be always in duty; never
to quit that, whatever it be. 1 Cor. xv. 58, "Always
abounding in the work of the Lord." Job xvii. 9, "The
righteous holdeth on in his way." We by idleness lose
much; we are employed in such a work as we must not
suffer to grow cold. Oh, our interruptions do us much
prejudice! Little and little makes good speed at last.

5M, Walk by faith and not by sense; that is, make the
Scriptures thy rule; think, love, judge, and do according to
this. Examine all things: As a man hath an end and way so
hath he a rule to direct him; this is the Scriptures, 2 Cor. v. 7;
Duet. iv. 1, 2; and vi. 1, 2. Reject all other guides but this.

6th, Believe always, and never despair; keep the heart
up. Whatever come, lose not your confidence; never
sink by discouragement, hoping always stedfastly unto the
end. "Trust in Him at all times, ye people." Heb. iii. 6,
"Hold fast your confidence stedfast unto the end." No
ground ever for despair — the ground of faith remains alway;
therefore never lose your hope: "It is good for a man to
hope,"' Lam. iii. 26; Isa. xxvi. 4.

jth, Live near the Lord always; that which is expressed
in Scripture by "walking with God, setting Him always
at our right hand." Let heart, thoughts, and affections,
retain ever some impressions of His presence; fear always.
Keep yourselves in the love of God; if departed, return
again; if returned, keep with Him. All good is with
God, and all ill comes from His absence and distance:
"Woe unto them when I leave them." Lose not your
guide by any means; He is "all things," life, light, strength,
and health. Ye cannot be without this, Hos. xii. 6, "Wait
continually on thy God." Psal. xvi. 8; Gen. xvii. 1; John
xv. 4, 5, 6, "Without Me ye can do nothing." Psal. lxxiii.
28, "It is good for me to draw near to God."

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 199

8M, Be always humble; never murmur; be always vile
in thine own eyes; justify the Lord always; submit to every
dispensation; let never your spirits be rankled or fired,
Micah vi. 8, "Walk humbly with thy God.

gt/i, Keep your spirits sober and in health; if sick and
distempered, ye cannot travel: not drunken with the "cares
of this world," Luke xii. 45. Be not lifted up with pride or
passion; he whose spirit is lifted up within him is not right.
Keep your spirits in an equal balance, 1 Pet. v. 8, "Be
sober;" suffer not your passions to run to excess: sober in
weeping, rejoicing, speaking, doing, fearing, Phil. iv. 5; 1
Cor. vii. 30. Be always master of thyself; unshaken.

io//z, Study temperance — this is objective sobriety; tem-
perance in meat, drink, sleep, and recreations. Shun excess,
by which the spirits are indisposed. The Heathen call
temperance the ground-work and foundation of all virtue,
2 Pet. i. 5, 6; Prov. xxiii. 20. Racers must be dieted and
temperate, 1 Cor. ix. 25, "He that warreth must be temperate
in all things." Surfeiting is forbidden, Luke xxi. 34.

n//z, Beware of worldly-mindedness, and being too
much engaged in the world: "He that warreth doth not
entangle himself in the affairs of this life," 2 Tim. ii. 4.
Have as little ado in the world as ye can; take no more in
hand than ye are well able to master. If engaged, flee as a
bird out of the snare, and put thy house in order, but put
the world out of thy heart especially: "No man can serve
two masters."

12//^, Be watchful: beware of a spirit of slumber, stand
always on your guard; "Watch in all things," as the apostle
commanded Timothy. "Blessed is the man that feareth
always." Be always suspicious, Prov. xxviii. 14. Never
turn secure or careless; remember your adversary is still
busy, and his snares are continually set: "Be vigilant"
therefore, 1 Pet. v. 8. Keep your eyes always open; look
and ponder everything; be not rash or hasty.

13///, Be diligent in the means both public and private,
in hearing, meditation, Christian conference, ejaculatory

200 Me?noirs of the

prayer, reading; especially private prayer; a man cannot be
a Christian without this. Ye cannot work or travel unless
ye eat, Prov. x. 4, "The hand of the diligent maketh rich."
i^th, Look upon sin as the greatest evil, and never to be
done; whatever ye do, shun sin, and shun tentations to evil
as well as evil itself.

2. Rules I daily follow in my daily walk: or, some special
Rules for ordering my own particular conversation.

1st, In imitation of Christ and His apostles, and to get
good done, I purpose to rise timely every morning, Job. i. 5 ;
2 Chron. xxxvi. 15.

2d, To propose, when I am up, some work to be done,
or the work of the day, and how and when to do it, and to
engage my heart to it, 1 Tim. iv. 7, and even to call myself
to account, and to mourn for failings.

3d, To spend a competent portion of time every day
in prayer, reading, meditating, spiritual exercises, morning,
mid-day, evening and ere I go to bed.

\th, Once in the month either the end or middle of it,
I keep a day of humiliation for the public condition, for the
Lord's people and their sad condition, for the raising up the
work and people of God.

$t/i, I spend, by and attour this, one for my own private
condition, in conflicting with spiritual evils, and to get my
heart more holy, or to get some special exercise throughed,
once in six weeks.

6th, I spend every week once, four hours over and
above my daily portion in private for some special causes
relating either to myself or others, relating either to temporal
or civil affairs.

7///, To spend some time on Saturday towards night for
preparation to the Sabbath.

8th, To spend six or seven days together once in a year,
when I have greatest conveniency, wholly and only on
spiritual accounts.

gth, My ordinary and extraordinary works, which every

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 201

day I strive to finish, are, to mortify sin, to perfect holiness
in the fear of the Lord, so glorify God, to instruct others
and do them good, to attend on and walk closely with the
Lord. This I propose every day to myself to do and finish,
and at even do examine myself of my progress and diligence
therein; this is my work and exercise.

10///, To be always on my guard, in a watchful, fearing
frame.

3. Rides in speaking.

I have found by Scripture and experience how much it
concerns us to watch our tongues, it being that instrument
whereby we may do most ill or good to others, that hath
influence on the whole body. And seeing religion kyths
most in this ("He that bridleth not his tongue, his religion
is vain;" and whoso can, is a perfect man,") I will therefore
set down some rules which I have proposed to myself for
ordering my speech and words.

1st, Speak nothing materially sinful, such as lying,
swearing, cursing, scolding, backbitting, or anything that
may dishonour God, or wrong your neighbour, Psalm
xxxiv. 13.

2d, Speak no idle language, that hath no profit or edifica-
tion, such as frothy words, foolish talking and jesting; but
let them be seasoned with grace, as with salt, Eph. v. 4;
Mat. xii. 36.

3</, Speak not much; be sparing in discourse, James i.
19, "Slow to speak." "In the multitude of words there
wants not sin."

\th, Speak soberly both as to matter and manner. It is
said of the whore, Prov. vii. 1 1, "She is loud and clamorous;"
and of some, Jude, ver. 16, that they "speak high swelling
words." This is contrary to Christ, whose "voice was not
heard in the streets." A meek, quiet spirit is calm in words;
loud, violent, earnest speaking argues a proud, distempered,
unmortified heart.

$th, Speak not rashly nor hastily; be not precipitate in

202 Memoirs of the

speaking; advise ere ye speak; do not out with every thing
ye conceive: "The righteous studieth to answer."

6//£, Speak weightily and seriously, reverently and gravely,
in religious discourses especially. Christ "spake as one
having authority.' Our speech as to the manner, as well
as to the matter, should betray us that we "have been
with Jesus." Be not slight or careless.

7M, Speak in faith: "I believed, and therefore spake,"
Psal. cxvi. 10; 2 Cor. iv. 13. It is a fault to speak of those
things we neither know nor believe; uncertainties are not
fit matter of discourse: "That which we know declare we
unto you."

8//$, In speaking, it were good to be looking up in prayer
to God in heart; as, if ye have spoken amiss, O Lord,
pardon; when ye are called to speak, O Lord, open my
mouth, and help to a seasonable word, and what to say; to
seek a blessing, Lord, bless what I am to discourse to my
neighbour. Thus did Nehemiah, Neh. ii. 4.

gth, Speak wisely and pertinently to the time and purpose
ye intend, and persons ye speak to; that is called "speaking
words in season." Col. iii. 16, "Let the Word of Christ
dwell richly in you in all wisdom, admonishing one another."

10th, Speak in fear: it were good to have a bridle
always in the mouth, and no word to get out without
permission, Psal. xxxix. 1. It was ill said, "Our lips are
our own, who is Lord over us;" As there is eating without
fear, so there is speaking without fear.

iitA, Let not your neighbour's faults be the subject of
your talk, though it be true. "Who backbiteth not," Psal.
xv. 3. Show thy neighbour his faults.

12th, Speak not of thyself or worth: "Let another praise
thee, and not thine own mouth," neither directly nor in-
directly; let thy works praise thee. It is an ordinary thing
for a proud heart to hunt for estimation from others to
itself, by telling its own acts or resolutions. I have added
these last two, because professors ordinarily miscarry in
these.

Rev. Jcunes Fraser of Brea. 203

4. Rules in our actions.

I shall comprehend in this both civil and religious
actions; actions should not only be good as to their matter,
but as to their manner.

\st, Do nothing without foresight; let thine eye of know-
ledge guide thee continually in the way thou art to walk in.
Lam. iii. 40, first "search and try your ways," then "turn."
" Ponder the path of thy feet." Do all things as a man,
and by rule, Pro v. iv. 26, so shalt thou have peace.

2d, Whatever thou do, do it spiritually as the Lord's
work; as to Him, because commanded by Him, Eph. vi. 6,
7, 8; Col. iii. 23.

$d, Labour for spirituality in your outward deportments,
as well as in your hearts, in a grave, wise, sober, and humble
carriage. "Be holy in all manner of conversation," 1 Peter
i. 14, 15. Let holiness be on bells, pots, bridles, and horses,
Zech. xiv. 20, 21. Have on the wedding-garment.

4//*, In midst of business look up ever and anon to
heaven by ejaculatory prayer, to preserve the soul from cor-
ruption ; and keep divine impressions, that they die not out,
Eph. vi. 18; 1 Thess. v. 17.

$th, Whatever thou doest, depend on the Lord; do
nothing without Him, but "in all thy ways acknowledge
Him," Prov. iii. 6; Isa. xxx. 2; Psal. xxxvii. 5; Neh. ii. 4;
1 Sam. xvii. 45.

6th, Whatever ye do, "do it with all thine heart," i.e.,
quickly, without delay, and heartily, doing what thou doest
only, and nothing else, Eccl. ix. 10.

7 th, Whatever ye do, do it in faith, without which "it is
impossible to please God;" in faith of the lawfulness of it,
in faith of God's assistance and acceptance: else, doubting,
ye are damned, Rom. xiv. 22, 23; Heb. xi. 6, 7. Do
nothing without or against conscience.

8th, Be sober in what ye do: eat, drink marry, and buy,
as though ye did it not, in an holy indifferency, referring the
event to God, 1 Cor. vii. 29, 30, 31. Be not fretted with

204 Memoirs of the

cares, lay not out too much affections or heart with your
actions; but "let your moderation be known to all men, the
Lord is at hand," Philip, iv. 5.

9/^, Rest not in actions, but seek the end of an action,
Matth. vi 16. Rest not in prayer, but labour to attain the
end of prayer by meditation and prayer. Be not like children
shooting at random without a mark.

10M, Bound your actions with your callings: fight, but
not out of your station, 1 Cor. vii. 24, "Let every man
wherein he is called walk with God." t Thess. iv. 1 1 \
1 Tim. v. 13, Doing your own business.

5. Rules for our conversation.

1st, Mark the frame of your heart and your carriage
immediately after you have been near God; and see what
deportment ye are then inclined to follow, and study that
always.

2d, Follow that kind of conversation wherein ye have
most peace after serious reflections on your ways. I think
little peace shall be found in a light, furious, carnal con-
versation.

3<^ Look to the carriage of Christ, His apostles and
prophets, and study that conversation that ye think was
Christ's or the apostles'; this was not a laughing, frothy,
vain, light conversation. When, therefore, thou art examin-
ing such a carriage, ask, Would Christ have done this?
would this set Paul to do? 1 Cor. xi. 1, and iv. 17; Matth.
xi. 29, 30.

\th, Study that conversation which is most agreeable
and suitable to your profession, Gospel estate, and station,
1 Thess. ii. 12. Walk "as becometh the Gospel," suitably
to the providences ye are trysted with, James v. 13, and to
the persons ye have to do with.

$th, Walk not outwardly mournfully before the wicked,
who may be ready to make sport of thy sadness, nor before
those who may be discouraged. Shun carnal mirth, Micah
i. 10; 2 Sam. i. 20.

Rev. Jcums Fraser of Brea. 205

6th, Study that conversation which is most edifying,
most convincing and condemning of the wicked, 1 Pet. i.
14, 15, and likest to glorify God and the Gospel, Col. iv. 6.

jth, A grave serious conversation, mixed with serenity,
is a good conversation; and this is like Christ, this is suit-
able to our great work and aims. Let the mad children of
the world trifle and play, we are called to seriousness, 1 Tim.
iii. 2; Tit. ii. 2.

8///, Be circumspect in your conversation, and wise,
especially "towards them that are without," Eph. v. 15;
Eccl. ii. 14. Keep up the Christian decorum; let nothing
escape thee but what is befitting the majesty of a Christian ;
labour not to disparage that at all. Walk worthy of your
calling.

9///, Walk soberly in apparel, 1 Pet. iii. 3, sober in
passions, sober in expressions; do nothing violently or
passionately, keeping passions within bounds. Walk with a
sober pace, not " tinkling with your feet."

\oth, Walk kindly, lovingly, and courteously; be ready
to serve all. A tart, rigid carriage is not good; "the Son
of man came eating and drinking," Acts xxvii. 3, and xxviii.
2, 7. Stoicism is not Christianity. Through thy gravity
and holiness let love appear; receive all; "become all things
to all men" except with apostates and open enemies; yea,
let your reproofs be in love, Lev. xix. 17.

SECTION IX.

Declaring such things as, through the Lord's blessing,
have done me good.

I cannot deny but the Lord hath shown me kindness
and done me good, and that a little one hath become a
great nation, and that, however "I am poor and needy,"
yet "the Lord remembers me." And notwithstanding "I
came over this Jordan with my staff," yet now am I, by the
Lord's blessing, "become two bands." But whatever good

206 Memoirs of the

it be that the Lord hath shown me for the benefit of others,
and confirmation of myself, I have thought fit to show and
set down these things, which in my experience, through the
Lord's blessing, I have found to be most helpful unto me in
furthering me in the ways of holiness, peace, and fellowship
with God. And I have found these twenty-seven things
especially concur, and blest for doing me good :

i. The society of saints: When they have been full in
communicating their cases, they have encouraged me, my
griefs have been eased by them; I have by their godly
conversation, been provoked to good works; I have been
kept in life by them, recovered out of decays by them,
enlightened and edified by them, Eccl. iv. 4, 9, 10, n;
1 Cor. xii. 7; Heb. x. 24, 25; Prov. xxvii. 17. "Iron
sharpeneth iron."

2. I have found much profit by observing the Lord's
providences, by searching into God's ends in dispensations,
whether good or evil; this hath made me see much love in
things, freed my judgment from confusions, and made me
know my duty, Micah vi. 9; Hosea xiv. 9; Psalm cvii. 43;
Jer. viii. 7; Gen xxv. 22; Exod. iii. 3, 4.

3. I have found meditation on the attributes of God to
do me much good, especially His love, power, sovereignty,
and holiness, Job xxii. 21; John xvii. 3, for thereby have I
been made conform to his image, and my love, fear, and
faith, have been begotten and increased, Psal. ix. 10; Eph.
iii. 18, 19.

4. I have found much good by a long and serious study
and pondering of the covenant of grace; the freedom, ful-
ness, and unchangeableness thereof; the condition (faith),
and nature thereof. By meditation on the Gospel, Gospel-
promises, offers, and invitations; this hath strengthend and
sanctified me, given me more knowledge of Christ and of
His ways than anything that ever I was exercised in. I
have found it indeed the "ministrations of life," Gal. iii. 2:
Heb. xi. throughout; Rom. i. 16, 17.

5. I have found the Lord confining me at home, in not

Rev. James Eraser of Brea. 207

calling me abroad; ordinarily this hath been a gathering
time, and never ordinarily better than when alone. Abstrac-
tion and solitude hath done me good, Prov. xviii. 1 \ Numb.
vi. 2, 3; Hos. ii. 14. God hath oftentimes visited me in a
solitary wilderness.

6. I have found outward afflictions and hard measure
from the world doing me good, humbling my soul, mortify-
ing me to the world, making Christ and His consolations
sweet, Whom before I cared not much for; I found it good
to bear the yoke in my youth; I have thereby learned
dependence on God, and have had much experience of His
love in supporting me under afflictions, sanctifying them to
me, and delivering me out of them, Lam. iii. 27; Psal. xciv.
12; Heb. xii. 11 ; Psal. cxix. 67, 71; Prov. xxix. 15; Hos. v. 15.

7. I have found quietness in spirit, moderation and
calmness in speaking, and advisedness doing me good; and,
while thus in silence I have waited on God, His spirit, hath
breathed, Isa. vii, 4, and ix. 15; Exod. xiv. 13; 2 Chron.
xx. 17; Phil. iv. 7; Lam. iii. 26; 1 Pet. v. 7.

8. I have found much good by the diligent practice
of private duties, such as prayer, meditation, reading, self-
examination, and such like. I have thereby been strengthened,
quickened, and drawn near to God; they have been as meat
and drink, Mat. vi. 6; Luke xxii. 46; Psalm i. 2, 3; Job
viii. 5; Prov. xviii. 1.

9. I have found extraordinary duties of fasting, and
improving other occasions over and above the morning and
evening sacrifice, do me much good; much of the Lord's
mind by these hath been revealed, Dan. x. 12, and strong
lusts have by these extraordinary occasions received a dead
stroke. I have been sensibly comforted at these occasions;
these, after long sickness, have given me health, Psalm cxxvi.
6; Jer. i, 5, 6; Isa. lviii. 7, 8; Mark ix. 29.

10. I have found the Lord kind to me since I left off
hearing of the conformists; since that day the scales have
been falling from my eyes: Whilst I heard, I was still kept
in bondage, 2 Cor. vi. 17, 18; 1 Cor. v. 7.

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11. I have found much good from and by the prayers of
others; for since I did employ some for that effect, I have
found much good. And I have observed, that those of us
who do seek the benefit of other's prayers were the most
thriving Christians: and those who neglect this to decay
and wither, Job xlii. 8; James v. 16; Eph. vi. 19; Rom.
xv. 30; 2 Thess. iii. 1, 2.

12. I have found very much good by doing good to
others, by instructing, exhorting, and teaching of them, and
praying for them, especially the poor ignorant people. Yea,
in the very time while I have been speaking to them, a
glorious light hath shined upon my soul, and made me
apprehend those things I have been declaring to them more
clearly; yea, when full of confusions and sorrows going
about this duty, my heart hath thereby been lightened, my
talents improved, Isa. xxxii. 20; Eccl. xi. 1; Prov. xi. 25.

13. I have found the serious consideration of true
Christian liberty, and of the easiness of Christ's yoke, and
Christ's love in commands, in opposition to a slavish spirit
and scrupulous fearful conscience, do me very much good,
and make my heart engage in the service of God, 1 Kings
xii. 4; Luke L 74; Rom. vii. 1, 4, 6, and vi. 14; Neh. ix.
35; Duet, xxviii. 48, as likewise using considerations against
discouragements, 1 Sam. xii. 19, 20.

14. I have found much profit and strength by considering
of Jbaptism, and what it sealeth; cases and scruples thereby
cleared and removed, and faith of interest strengthened, and
I thereby emboldened to draw near to God, Rom. vi., first
twelve verses.

15. The Lord hath blessed the reading of practical
writings to me, and thereby my heart hath been put into a
frame, and much strength and light gotten; such as Isaac
Ambrose, Goodwin, Mr Gray, and very much by Ruther-
ford's above others, but most of all by Thomas Jjbej^ligrd of
New England his works; he hath by the Lord been made
the ''interpreter, one of a thousand;" so that, under Christ
I have been obliged to his writings as much and more than

Rev. Ja?)ies Fraser of Brea. 209

to any mean whatsomever for wakening, strengthening, and
enlightening of my soul; the Lord made him a well of
water to me in all my wilderness straits.

16. I have found it good to put a good construction on
the Lord's ways, when they have been outwardly very sad,
Exod. xx. 19.

17. I have found much good by speaking to the praise
and commendation of Clod. When many times not so
affectionately, yet sincerely out of the sense of duty, I have
begun to praise Him to others, I have found my tongue to
have affected my heart, James iii. 2; Psalm cv. 3, and cxlv.
5, 6, n. The Lord hath sensibly rewarded me for this.

18. I have found much good by sore and long inward
tentations, being "poured from vessel to vessel," changing
and being changed, lifted up, and casten down; the greatest
settlement is by these. Isa. xxxviii. 16, "By these" (saith
Hezekiah) "shall men live." These humbled me, and
kept me waking, and ever crying to the Lord; and have
given me much experience of the Lord's kindness, and
acquainted me with the exercise of saints in the Scripture.
James i. 2.

19. Resisting of strong tentations, and engaging with
difficult duties, and coming over the belly of indispositions
within, loss and contempt from the world without, and so
taking up the cross; the Lord hath signally owned me in
these, and the fruits of them have been very great; such as,
praying under indispositions, reproving of acquaintances,
forsaking of ways and thoughts very pleasing to the flesh,
Jer. ii. 1, 2; Heb. xi. 6; Rom. ii. 7; Mat. v. 10, and
xvi. 24.

20. I have found much good by studying and exercising
the duty of humility and submission, James iv. 7. Duties
are easy to an humble spirit; it eases the soul of disquiet-
ments, and makes burdens easy. Hell is not hell to an
humble soul, saith Shepherd. I have ever found help when
humbled.

21. The calling to mind and seriously meditating on the

14

2 1 o Memoirs of the

Lord's dealings with me as to soul and body, His manifold
mercies, has done me very much good, cleared my case,
confirmed my soul of God's love, and my interest in Him,
and made me love Him. 0 what good hath the writing of
this book done me! and what wells of water have mine
eyes been opened to see which before were hid! Psalm
cvii. 4, and xviii. i, 2. Scarce anything hath done me
more good.

22. Making and renewing of vows and covenants with
God, though gone about in much weakness, and but
weakly performed, yet hath it begotten life, and kindly
thoughts of God, and hath been a mean to recover me
out of decay, and to keep from further backsliding, Duet,
xxix. 12, 13.

23. Meditation on the most common truths and general
hath done me good, such as death, heaven, judgment,
sin, God's being and providence, man's fall, and Christ's
death, etc.

24. Speedy going about duties, without trifling or
delaying. A duty done in time is worth twice so much
delayed.

25. By writing on points of divinity; as on the Scriptures,
on God's attributes, on Christian duties, sermons, cases, and
the like; these, like fresh water, have kept my heart.

26. Serious and deliberate self-examination, and, while
thus exercised, trying myself, looking to the qualifications of
saints and hypocrites in Scripture, their sins and failings;
studying the nature of true saving grace, the difference,
according to the Scriptures, betwixt false and true grace;
this hath contributed much to my settlement.

27. I have found much good by being abstracted from
meddling in temporal or civil business. That I had not
great meddling in affairs in the beginning of my Christian
course, partly that others did not employ me, but took all
to their own hand; partly that I was indifferent, and had
no heart while I had so great things ado in reference to my
soul. And although my affairs called for diligence, yet do I

Rev. James Fraser of Brea 2 1 1

not now repent it; for I thereby got my heart wholly taken
up with my soul's condition, and had no divertisement,
Prov. xviii. 1.

section x.

Declari?ig such things as have done me evil.

1. A legal spirit. When Satan presses duties violently
and boastingly, with thunder and lightening overdriving me,
laying more upon me than I am able to bear, putting new
wine in old bottles, seeking such and such duties, and so
much, exacting them by weight and measure. This weakens
my hands, irritates me, makes me do nothing, seeing I
cannot get what is enjoined done; makes me act slavishly,
Gen. xxxiii. 13; Rom. vii. n; Heb. x. 12, 13; Luke xix. 21.

2. The society of carnal unregenerate people, and grace-
less formal professors, especially if familiar with them, and
not living very abstract and at distance from them, or not
testifying against them or instructing them. They have,
when near, dispersed their poison and infection, and turned
my heart carnal; like some sicknesses, if ye lie not near the
persons that have them, they smite not, 1 Cor. xv. 33,
"Evil communication corrupteth good manners."

3. I have found the society of the godly hurtful, and
drawing my heart from God, and rendering it carnal, when
it hath not been spiritually improven; when the Lord hath
not been sought to by mutual prayer, and no spiritual con-
ference, and when I have stayed too long with them at
once, Heb. iii. 13. When there is no exhorting one another
there is hardening.

4. I have had my spirit turned out of frame, and quite
distempered by loud, violent, hasty, and much talk, though
of good purposes. I have found "the talking of the lips
tend to penury," and "a breach made in the spirit,'' (as
saith the wise man), "by perverse speaking, James iii. 5, 6;
Prov. xvii. 27; Mat. xv. 8.

212 Memoirs of the

5. I have found public occasions and going oft from
home hurtful, and these like the devil's market-days. Let
me prepare and pray as I will; yea, and watch, my spirit
hath thereby been distracted and distempered, especially if I
have gone on slight calls. Riding here and there is good
neither for soul nor body.

6. I have found intemperance and excess in the use of
meat, drink, and other recreations, very prejudicial, and to
be the ordinary inlet of many evils; for the body thereby
being distempered, the spirit hath been utterly indisposed
to any good exercise, Luke xxi. 34; Prov. xxv. 27, and
xxiii. 20, 21.

7. Omission of duties in private, or slight performance
of them; when I have begun to be more remiss in such
gracious exercises of prayers, examination, meditation, and
reading, Mat. xxvi. 41; Prov. xxiii 21.

8. Neglect of ejaculatory prayer when conversing with
others; for this is the fountain of waters that drops from
heaven, and makes the heart fruitful, Mat. xxvi. 41.

9. Impertinent vain thoughts in the morning, and when
riding, and when in private religious exercises; though
materially good, I have found these to distemper my spirit
as much as anything, and to render me utterly unfit for
duty, Jer. iv. 14.

10. Un watchfulness and heart security while in the
world, not being "in the fear of God all the day long," not
keeping guard, or neglecting the continual oversight of my
heart, tongue, and actions, but growing careless. I have
found my heart unwatched to run away, and engage in sins
and tentations: Many disorders in the city while there is
no government, Mat. xxvi. 41. This hath done evil ex-
ceedingly; through this I lose in public what I gain in
private.

11. Unbelieving discouragements arising from sense of
wants, sins, desertions, and tentations; these have weakened
my hands, 1 Sam. \ii. 20; Lam. i. 9: Jer. ii. 28: Heb. xii.
L2, 13. When Peter did fear, then did he begin to sink.

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 213

12. Great engagements in civil affairs and business, and
eager prosecution of them; these have distracted me, and
made me utterly unserviceable to God, Luke x. 4, and
xxi. 34.

13. Pride, and conceiting much of myself, boasting of
myself, seeking the praise of men, and by a careful per-
formance of duties, seeking to exalt myself, and to share
with Christ in the matter of salvation; this hath made the
Lord reject me many times, withdrawing me from my re-
solution to "hide pride," Rom. ix. 31,- 32. This made the
Jews miss of righteousness, because they sought it "as it
were by the works of the Law."

14. Sloth in long sleeping, and trifling the time; this
hath "clothed me with rags," especially in company.

SECTION XI.

Declaring so?ne of Safaris spiritual and more subtle devices,
whereby the work of sancf if cation hath been much hindered,
2 Cor. ii. 11.

1. In making me think the essence of true repentance

to consist in contrition for sin more than in turning in heart
and practice from it; whereby it hath come to pass, that not
finding myself in a mourning sorrowful frame, but straitened
in my affections, I have not turned from sin, but was still
taken up in drawing out my sensible sorrow for it, as think-
ing there was no true repentance without... this; and, when
I mourned, have rested in this, as if this were sufficient;
whereas, repentance doth mostly consist in turning to God,
and mourning is but the manner and qualification of this
act of turning, Jeol ii. 12. "Turn with mourning," Isa.
lviii. 6. "The fast God hath chosen is, breaking the bands
of wickedness," Prov. xxi. 3.

2. After falls and slips, and ordinary departures, Satan
has sought to astonish me with my fall, and to amaze and
confuse me so with what I had done^ as thereby I was kept

D
\

214 Memoirs of the

from getting up to my feet and going forwards; like those
that, running a race, catch a fall, and are therewith so per-
plexed, thinking what to do, that in the meantime they lose
much time, and are far behind. The best way were to get
up, and consider our ways, mourn, seek pardon, and then
go to work; so was it with Joshua, chap. vii. 10, viz., Joshua,
after the smiting of Israel, lies complaining; the Lord saith
thus, "Wherefore liest thou thus? up to thy work." Gen.
xlii. i, and xliii. 10, "Why look ye upon one another?"
When David sinned, he immediately falls to repentance;
"I have sinned, yet now, Lord, forgive." It must, when all
is done, turn and end in this. So in Job xxxiv. 32, "If
thou hast done wickedly," what is done cannot be helped,
"do so no more." He doth not say, Amaze and distract
yourselves with cares, for, "Who can by thinking add one
cubit to his stature?"

3. In making me think that because I come not up the
full length of duty, or to do it in that manner and form that
is required, better omit it than do it in such a sinful manner;
whereby it hath come to pass that nothing hath been done
at all, God not honoured, and others not profited; not con-
sidering that doing the duty as we may is a mean to the
better doing of it, as scribbling is to good writing. Humility
will not stand on such niceties; the Lord pardons imperfec-
tions: hence the duty of reproof hath been omitted, because
I could not do it so freely, evangelically, and plainly, as the
Lord requires, thinking that so doing of it was an abomina-
tion; this is over-driving. But it is better paying what we
may than let all run on our head. 2 Sam. vi. 7, 8, 9, 10,
when David saw what reverence was required to the ark, he
let it alone, "Who can stand?" Unbelief whereby the soul
thinks God such a hard master that will exact to the utter-
most, and pride in disdaining to do anything but what may
be worthy or meritorious, are the causes of this deceit.

4. By the injecting of thoughts materially good, yet im-
pertinent to the exercise the soul for the present is called
unto, whereby my purpose hath been broken, my spirit made

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 215

vain, no good done, nor peace in it. And when other
palpably sinful thoughts have been extruded, these real
enemies, yet seeming friends, have been let in because of
their "sheep's clothing;" and it is but the devil transform-
ing himself into an "angel of light," 2 Cor. xi. 14. The
righteous "bringeth forth fruit in season;" these thoughts
are vain because fruitless and unseasonable.

5. In doing of duties, and not seeking to attain the end
of duties, not because I thought this worthy, but I thought
it sufficient if the Lord was honoured. And in this snare
I am ordinarily entrapped, though beaten out of formality;
and this hath rendered the means useless to me, and "ever
learning," and "never coming to the knowledge of the
truth." I have been like children, who with their little-
bows shoot, but at no mark, but that they may shoot; or
as when they set their paper-boats to sea, but look for
nothing else than to see them swim upon the waters; and so
it may be said of them, "There is no end of their labour."
And hence I have exhorted, not to convert or edify, but
because commanded, and to show obedience, and some-
times to render inexcusable; and thus have waited on the
Lord in private and public means, not for supplying of
wants or drawing near unto God, but merely to do homage
unto Him. Whereby there is a standing still and no
progress; duties rendered a burden, because no end to
draw to, or no end intended; and my motion irregular,
because no end to direct; and so have wrote at random.

6. Under the pretence of waiting on the Lord for strength,
I have been driven to gaze, and neglect the duty itself,
when there hath been an oppurtunity; so in preparing for
prayer, have neglected prayer: In looking for strength and
grace to edify when in company, nothing hath been done;
and strength received, not improven. Acts i. n, "Why
stand ye gazing?" go to your work, to Jerusalem. Matth.
xx. 6; Jer. xiii. 16, "Give glory to the Lord," lest, looking
for light, darkness come.

7. To neglect the practice of grace and duty, by resting

216 Memoirs of the

in the sweet and relishing speculation thereof, and resolution
to do it; I have been taken up with the sweetness of duty
on the mind, but not so careful to practice it, though there
have been some slight resolutions. This I thought sufficient,
or else through security I have not expected difficulty in
the practice; and so, knowing and approving and teaching
others the Law, yet neglecting it, they "say and do not,"
Rom. ii. 13, 14, 18; Matth. vii. 21 ; Jer. ii. 19, 20. So that
the end of these speculations hath not been so much to
practise as to relish and delight the understanding in ex-
patiating on such subjects.

8. I have been much hindered from duty, by studying
the manner of duty rather than the substance of it; by
studying faith in prayer rather than prayer in faith; by study-
ing openness and plain-dealing in reproving rather than re-
proof itself; by studying constancy in watching rather than
watching itself. Which I have found to proceed from pride,
choosing the excellency of it rather than the thing itself;
and from Satan's persuading me that all commands are but
the Lord's seeking ground of quarrel to cast out with me,
and therefore not only seeks duties, but that they be done
after such a manner as thou knowest thou canst not get
done; that so, when He cannot condemn for the matter,
He shall be sure for the manner to find fault. Whereby my
mind hath been so taken up with the circumstantial, and
perfect, and exact qualifications of duties, that the matter
and substance of it hath been neglected. I have made the
manner of it the matter.

9. Satan, with my foolishness, tyrannically yet subtilely
presses the doing of many things at once, which is im-
possible; that so, dividing my spirit with several objects,
nothing may be well done, and all slighted: so that when I
came to say, "What have I ado? it is answered, Ye have
this, and that, and the other thing; when I am called to one
thing, I address to another, and thus "troubled with many
things," like Martha, Luke x. 41, 42; with which one thing,
if my spirit were taken up, I might come to some profit and

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 217

get it done; but, seeking to grasp too much, I let all go.
When many crowd out or in at a passage, they hinder one
another; but the rule is, "Whatever thou dost, do it with
all thy might," i.e., Let thy heart be taken up wholly with
that one thing while thou art doing it, and with no other.

10. Satan's transforming into an angel of light, by gilding
vices with lustre and appearance of virtue, and under spiritual
and specious pretences. Hence have I been tempted to
lightness, excess in comforts, under pretence of shunning
unthankfulness, and of not using Christian liberty, and of
walking uncomfortably; and hence neglected to affect the
heart with the evil of sin, because repentance consists more
in turning from sin than in sorrow for it. Prayer under
indisposition hath been shunned, lest I should render the
easy yoke of Christ a grievous burden. Whereby sin hath
prevailed by these, when it hath been overcome when it
appeared in its own clothing; and "the grace of God turned
into wantonness," 2 Cor. xi. 14; Rom. vi. 1; Gal. y. 13;
"called to liberty, yet not to use it as an occasion to the
flesh."

11. In following the disposition of my spirit as a rule in
reference to duty, rather than the call of providential con-
veniency of doing it; whereby many occasions of doing
good, to others especially, have been lost through indis-
position to these duties, and some seeming dispositions to do
other duties. And this is so much the more dangerous, that
it begins to be a debated principle, which of the two, viz.,
the disposition of the spirit or providential conveniency is to
be followed? seeing, if I follow not the disposition of my
spirit, then I shall do the other duty but heartlessly, and
omit a duty to which my spirit is disposed; and besides,
James v. 13, would seem to be for it. But I have most
peace and success when I follow the providential con-
veniency, Mark xiv. 37, 38.

12. There is nothing does me more ill than a legal
spirit or spirit of bondage, whereby Satan presses to
duties violently, i.e., represents God as a hard master and

2 1 8 Memoirs of the

an austere judge; as one that commands and requires
duties, as tyrannical rulers make laws to entrap the subjects,
pressing to hard duties, and so putting new wine into old
bottles, and that under the highest pains; and to do it
hastily, not giving time to breathe; and requiring such
exactness, or else not at all to be accepted; and that without
any promise of assistance. So that, finding the Lord's yoke
so hard, I have either casten it off, or sometimes heartlessly
performed it; and nothing hath prejudiced me more than
this. Talents have been slighted, because God was appre-
hended as a hard master; the Lord not served, because our
yoke not made light; aversion and want of love to God,
because of fear, i John iv. 18. But I have spoken of this
in Section 10, \st Evil. It is no wonder, therefore, if the
bond-woman should be cast out; of the evil of which, when
I have been convinced, I have come to the other extreme,
in casting out the bond-woman altogether, and to indulge
myself wholly, as I have said in the 10th Deciet.

13. When I could not be driven from laying to heart
matters of salvation, yet hath Satan, for the most part of
my time, busied me with the lesser matters of religion, and
made me neglect the substantial and fundamental points;
so as nice points have been studied, and death, hell,
heaven, God's attributes, sin, providence, the resurrection,
fall of man, have been neglected, because more common;
whereas the greatest good is in these, Matth. xxiii. 23, "Ye
tithe anise and cummin."

14. Satan, by making me pore excessively on evidences
of grace, and by occupying me in laying continually the
foundation and trying it, as thinking it never sure enough,
hath thereby kept me from my generation-work, and from
progress in grace; in which exercises, if I had been as
diligent as in examination of myself, I might have been
assured more quickly, 2 Pet. i. 10. It is true, we should
examine our states, 2 Cor. xiii. 5, but it is wrong to be only
and continually taken up with this; so that, when called to
patience, and believing, and honouring of God, Satan hath

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 219

said, Lay a foundation ere ye build a superstructure : but it
is dangerous to be trying our armour when we are called to
fight (as one said), Heb. vi. 1. If ye have not full assurance
of your state, yet take your hazard of the precious founda-
tion laid in Zion, and build on it. God lays this foundation,
and this foundation standeth sure.

15. In making faith or any work in us the foundation of
my comfort, rather than the free, full, and immutable promise
and goodwill of God in Christ ; and in making the founda-
tion of duty to be rather from our covenant with God, or
our part of it, than from the Lord's covenant with us, and
His part of it which hath a long time kept me unsettled and
wavering, 2 Sam. xxiii. 5 ; Ezek. xvi. 62. "Not by virtue
of thy covenant."

16. But Satan and mine own heart hath kept me
strongly and long in this snare of seeking to establish my
own righteousness. For when my heart hath been in any
good frame, and under sense of wants, and desiring to be
found in duty, hath resolved to go about such and such
means, for obtaining of such things ; I say, I have found
Satan deceiving me herein, making me love these duties,
means, and graces, and the obtaining them at such a time,
because these graces and duties, means, and time, have
been the product of mine own desires and resolutions, and
so have been mine own (as it were) and choice. And,
therefore, when other means were bestowed no less suitable,
yet have I dispised them, because not mine own choice and
purchase; and when the love and manifestation thereof
have run through another channel than I have cut for it
to run in, I have been grieved, and prized the mercy less.
And when I have fallen in sins resolved against, I have
grieved more upon the account that my resolutions have
been broken, and will crossed, because I had "set my heart
as the heart of God," than either for the wrong done to
God or mine own hazard; and so, like God, I have loved
no thing but the object of my own decree. Whereby God
hath been provoked to break these resolutions, by which

220 Memoirs of the

the tower that reached to heaven was cast down, Prov. xix.
3; Rom. x. 3; Mark xiv. 37; Isa. x. 7; Psal. lviii. 3.

17. When beaten out of this by the Lord's mercy, and
made to "rejoice in infirmities," that God may be exalted,
seeing the wildness of pride under the pretence of quiet
submission, and being led by the will of God, I have been
tempted to resolve nothing at all, and so turned careless,
running from one extreme to another, contrary to Philip,
ii. 12, T3.

18. Through a desire to allow to every action a time
wherein I should be so and so exercised, it hath come to
pass that I have secretly resisted the Spirit drawing me to
other duties and exercises, because I would not alter my
intended method; and so lost the assistance of God's Spirit,
Duet. i. 41; Numb. xiv. 39.

19. I have many times in prayer asked things not con-
venient to be then granted, and so have not been answered
through asking amiss; as when I have sought as much grace
as would serve me all my lifetime, James iv. 3; John iv. 15.
"Give me that I thirst not again." Sometimes I have been
seeking the removal of a trouble ere I have been rightly
exercised under it, 2 Cor. xii. 8, sought great enlargements,
and raptures, and sensible manifestations, sought mercies
without pains; which the Lord not granting, because amiss,
I have deen discouraged from prayer through refusals.

20. When difficult duties have been pressed, as mourn-
ing, fasting, diligence, prayer under indispositions, bearing
the cross, walking in the strait gate, I have been made to
think that the end of that command was mostly to cross
myself, and therefore did the duty oft-times more as mine
own prejudice and cross, rather than as commanded by
God, and the mean to attain such an end (hence Heathens
cut themselves, and Papists whip themselves), for this did
me ill; it engendered hard thoughts of God, and made me
do duties heartlessly, as likewise without success, because
I sought no more than the crossing of myself.

21. In not prizing or esteeming little mercies because

Rev. Jamts Fraser of Brea. 221

common, and fear to rest in them; thus " despising the
day of small things."

22. In not shunning little evils, fearing to be thereby
tithing the anise and cummin.

23. Through a strong persuasion of an absolute decree
in God, which yet I judge truth, and of God's sovereignty,
and that "it is not of him that willeth or runneth, but of
God that showeth mercy;" I have been thereby tempted to
excuse my sins, to challenge God for double-dealing, have
not noticed His invitations and expostulations, Rom. ix. 19,
"Who hath resisted His will?" Not distinguished betwixt
the nature of God, and free absolute decree of God, and
operation of God; and that it is not the damnation of the
wicked God ultimately and for itself intends, but the mani-
festation of His justice.

24. By limiting of the "Holy One of Israel:" by cutting
out and prescribing to God a way of helping me; and when
He hath not come in my way, as He will not, nor no reason
He should, I could not imagine His coming a mercy, 2
Kings, v. 11, in Naaman. Hence, I have proposed God's
way with other Christians, and there exercises, as the way to
the Spirit to deal with me; and not finding this, I have
been discouraged, and disquieted, and unthankful," and
"spent my labour and strength in vain," in gazing after that,
and labouring to walk in a path the Lord was not willing to
lead me. There is a sovereignty in leading of saints to
glory. I have limited the Lord in His way, by portraying
to myself, and conceiving such a grace, and under such a
notion and form; so that if I had not that very form and
notion of it I conceived, though I had it really, yet did I
not think I had it. Oh, under what various terms doth
the Lord express one thing, that folk might not restrict
grace to one notion !

25. In striving against the outward acts of sin, and not
considering the inward corruption of the heart; in "making
clean the outside of the platter," but neglecting to cleanse
it within; cutting the branches, and sparing the root, Matth.

222 Memoirs.

xxiii. 26, whereby I have made no profit in holiness, because
the fountain hath not been cleansed.

26. Under the pretence of discretion, prudence, and
patience, I have neglected the life and zeal of actions. I
have reproved but darkly, in respect of prudence and dis-
cretion ; I have not stressed myself in private means, under
pretence of sobriety; have neglected to bring my heart to
any sense of sin, under pretence of moderation. Oh, what
ills lie disguised under moderation, sobriety, patience, and
Christian liberty! We have a sinful patience.

27. By going on in duties in my own strength, without
looking for divine assistance, which hath done me much
evil. When I have gone on in the confidence of my own
strength, the Lord hath plagued me for my persumption, as
in Peter: when duties have been difficult, relying on and
looking to mine own strength, I have been discouraged.

28. I have neglected the outward practice of repentance,
under pretence that the Lord requires the heart; but we
should serve the Lord both in body and in spirit. It is
true, we should not rest in the outward, or mainly look
thereunto, but should look to the heart mostly; yet should
not the outward act be neglected.

29. By giving ear and credulously believing suggestions
of sense concerning myself and interest, and concerning
God, without examination. Credulity, and easiness to believe
everything suggested or spoken in books, or written down
there, hath prejudiced me much. Hanging my faith on
men's belts, and not examining suggestions, doctrines,
writings, through the line of reason and through Scripture,
hath made me wander long in doubts and fears unsettledly;
but since I have tried all things, and laid aside all books,
and had recourse to the fountain, I have been much better.

30. By judging by outward appearances, and mis-
believing of success (which hath come through not looking
to God), hath much discouraged me from duty.

CHAP. VIII.

DFXLARING MERCIES.

I

SECTION I.

Containing general mercies.

FIND reason to bless the Lord for continued and
perfect health, so as I never remember that I lay
(except when I had the small-pox) two days' sick, either
through pain or heart-sickness.

2. I have reason to bless the Lord for the mercy of
good education ; so that, wherever he did cast my lot, I had
occasions of good given me. I saw not much wild example:
and those whom I was with, the Lord did put them out to
take some pains with me, which though it did not convert
me, yet did prepare for it.

3. In beating me out of all my false rests, and refuges of
lies; in which if I had continued, I had perished for ever.
O, what a mercy, that the Lord discovered to me my con-
dition, the vanity of duties, mine own inability to save
myself, the distance and enmity betwixt God and my soul !

4. Sparing mercies. Oh, what hath the Lord borne of
me! surely more than of any other whatsomever. How
often did I provoke Him to send me to my place! He
spared me notwithstanding of my blasphemy, my Sabbath-
breaking, my palpable breaking of vows, sinning against
light, backsliding, cursing even in a lie, profanity, mocking
in duties, untractableness; yea, when He might have had
great glory by my destruction. Who hath or could have

224 Memoirs of the

borne so much as the Lord? and should I not therefore
love? They "love much, because much is forgiven."

5. Oh, the great pains the Lord hath taken, and the cost
He hath been at with me! What pains in my first educa-
tion ! What pains in conversion ! What pains after con-
version ! What pains in recovering out of backsliding !
What pains by afflictions, by tentations, convictions, mercies
of all sorts, waterings public and private ! What a constant
suitor hath he been for my heart ! What day in which there
hath not been some message or other ! Surely He is in very
good earnest with me; He hath constantly and uninter-
ruptedly followed me.

6. In bestowing saving grace on my soul; washing me
from nature, from sin, and Satan, and hell; by renewing
His image on my soul; by enlightening mine eyes, quicken-
ing my dead soul, changing me quite, giving me rest; by
admitting me to fellowship with Himself; by entering in a
covenant with me; by taking me from my sinful ways and
courses, and conforming me to His ways, in heart, speech,
and practice; making an inward, blest, right, and universal
change, differing from formal hypocrites and Gospel pro-
fessors that are carnal.

7. In recovering me out of a backslidden estate, after-
carelessness and security; departing from God, until I had
ruined myself again, and was, as it were, "twice dead;"
and when I was at the last gasp, He pitied me, recovered
me, engaged me in His service, kept me through His power
and goodness (notwithstanding of many oppositions) at this
diet, until I at last recovered, and that He did set me on a
"rock higher than I." Oh, what cost and expenses was my
recovery to Him ! He would not let me die at a distance
with Him, but by afflictions and sore trials called me home.

8. Mercies in a wilderness condition. When yet but
weak, how did He condescend to my weakness ! Though
He was "the high and lofty One," how did He bear my
manners, my murmurings, my faintings, my lustings, my
impatience, my dulness, my deadness, my unbelief; He

Rev. Jajnes Fraser of Brea. 225

never left me for all these things, but was ever with me;
He supplied all my wants, and many a time revived my
fainting soul, and did carry me as an eagle doth her
young ones, and "no strange god with Him" at all; He
never left me until He brought me to a large land and
fruitful. Oh, the care He had of me in the great wilder-
ness, preserving me and carrying me through, was a wonder-
ful mercy!

9. I am obliged unto the Lord for talents; that He
created me not void of understanding, but hath put me in
some capacity to be serviceable to Him; He hath instructed
me in the wonderful things of His law, made me know the
mysteries of the kingdom of God. And what shall I say?
my natural abilities were very much helped and improven by
grace: "Through Thy precepts I have attained to under-
standing."

10. I acknowledge with all thankfulness the great mercy
of God in keeping me on His side in this evil day; that I
have been preserved in this general apostacy; that I have
mustered on His side, and under His standard, against the
dragon making war in heaven against the Lamb. How
many have profanity, error, vanity, formality, sloth, and
worldliness destroyed, or rendered useless? yea, even tall
cedars; yet me hath He kept from the destroying pesti-
lence, yea, kept in life, and through grace privileged to be
a plain witness for Him against the dragon and the courses
of these times; to do some little thing, at least to show
my good-will.

it. By upholding me with his visitations," innumerable
times "restoring my soul" to life, preserving "my feet from
falling, and mine eyes from tears." Oh the many loving
refreshing visitations I had of Him, under deadness, con-
fusions, distractions, sorrows, weights ! Hence hath He
been as the clear shining sun after the rain. These have
been the means by which I have been kept in life; these are
His favours, in these days of famine feeding me and keeping
me in life.

226 Memoirs of the

12. In many times delivering me out of hell itself;
when the sorrows of death compassed me about, when
overpowered with despair, He brought me out of the
great and terrible pit; and when all other means and
friends failed, and neither could nor would help, the Lord
Himself stepped in, and calmed all these terrible storms,
when I could not bear any longer: nor was I ever in
any extremity but He helped me, yea, out of great and
sore troubles.

13. Mercies in afflictions. Surely "in faithfulness hath
He afflicted me." It is a mercy to be taken in under His
discipline, a covenant mercy; but He hath supported me
in all my afflictions. And when a sign, and a wonder,
and a terror to all friends and acquaintances, left of
friends and relations, and ungratefully used by them,
then did "the Lord take me up," and gave me shelter,
meat and drink "that the world knew not of;" and what
shall I say? "at last delivered me out of them all," at
least out of the most pressing, and that by His own
hand. He hath delivered me from all dangers, fears,
snares and sorrows.

14. All these are heightened by these circumstances:
imo, That the Lord hath visited me with special love, the
right-hand blessings, grace, Christ, and sanctification. 2do,
That it is the Lord Himself that is eminently seen in them;
He lets none do me good but Himself, especially great
deliverances; the Lord brings all about wonderfully. ^tio,
I see them all stamped with free grace, and their motto,
"Not for your sakes, but for My name's sake, and because
of the Lord Jesus." I see them all proceeding from the
free grace and love of Christ Jesus. 4/0, That He hath
singled me out of all my tribe and kindred, and passed by
them all and chosen me for Himself. 5/0, That the Lord
is seen universally in all these things. He doth all things
most excellently for me; not in one or two particulars,
but in everything I have ado. "Thou, Lord, wilt ordain
peace for us; for Thou hast wrought all our works in us,"

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 227

Isa. xxvi. 12. 6to, The Lord is constant in His kindness; it
is not for a fit or start, but those whom He hath loved, He
loveth to the end. His love is a constant love, He "never
takes away His loving-kindness." jmo, That the Lord by
all mercies sanctifies me, and draws me nearer to Himself:
I am made to know more of God by these; my heart is
warmed in love and affection towards Him by the remem-
brance of these; and through experience of these I am
made to come to Him, and depend on Him, and engaged
to thankfulness. 8vo, That they are to me, who am so
wild, so miserable, so sinful, who have abused His grace
and mercy, and daily grieve Him, and am less than the least
of all His mercies; this heightens the mercy. What am I,
that the Lord should visit me? Lastly, Considering this,
that when favours are so few, it is much in a day of indigna-
tion, much in a day of famine and confusions, when all are
generally crying out, "My leanness."

SECTION 11.

Of special mercies or little particular favours from the Lord,
as to my spiritual condition and temporal.

As for particular mercies, they are innumerable and past
reckoning, and would take up much time to tell them over,
and much pains to write them down; and because I purpose
to write them by themselves at large, and in respect any
who read what I have written may there see many of them,
I will forbear.

Thus have I run through the most remarkable circum-
stances of the Lord's providence towards me in my con-
version, and what followed thereupon; and have been
signally assisted in calling to mind, and observing the Lord's
way and mind in them. And what can I say or give to the
Lord for all His mercies and pains! but blessed for ever be
He, that ever looked upon me, that hath done so great things
for me, that hath borne with me till now, and hath given me

228 Memoirs.

time and strength to set down on record His kindness! O
that I may walk worthy of his pains! To Him, through
Christ Jesus, he glory for ever. Amen.

" Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace,
and good-will towards men."

[ What follows was not dedicated to Mr Thomas Ross.']

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CHAP. IX.

OF MY CALL TO THE MINISTRY.
SECTION I.

The grounds upon which I judged myself called to the
ministry.

ist, T WAS much concerned to know whether I was
X indeed called by the Lord to the exercise of the
ministry, or whether any inclination or pressure of spirit I
had thereto did proceed from my own fancy; for I can
never think that any will discharge this office aright, who
hath not a sense of His divine call upon his spirit, or
comfortably go about the same, neither can promise himself
any success therein : for such as the Lord hath not called,
"nor stood in His counsel," it is threatened that they
"shall not profit this people," Jer. xxiii. 32. Therefore it
is of much concernment to us to be clear in this. Yet I
acknowledge many are called of Christ to preach who do
not know it, but fear they are not; even as many are
effectually called who know not so much; and, therefore,
it is that both the one and the other live less comfortably.
And as many think they belong to, and have interest in,
Christ, who really have none; so, many judge themselves,
and are judged by others, to be true ministers of Christ,
who are not, but idol ministers, never commissioned by
Christ.

2diy, Therefore did I judge it my duty to endeavour
to have my call cleared to me, and for this cause have set

230 Memoirs of the

apart some solemn days, in which by fasting and prayer,
both before I entered to the ministry and after, I have
earnestly besought the Lord for light in this matter, and
to clear to me whether He called me or not; and have
seriously searched and meditated, and sadly thought on
this subject. And the issue of all such deliberations was,
that I was inclined to think, from what I could gather
from God's Word or Work, that He did call me to "bear
His name, to deliver from the power of Satan to God, to
witness for God," that the works of the world were evil.

$dly, The grounds upon which I was convinced and did
believe the Lord called me were: (1) That I was not now
to expect audible voices from heaven in an extraordinary
manner, or within us, saying, '"'Arise, preach the Gospel;"
for, however apostles and extraordinary prophets were so
called immediately, yet that such who now are called do
receive it by means of men. Therefore, though I did not
receive any extraordinary voice within or without, there was
no reason upon that account to doubt of my call. (2) That
much less was a man's own imagination or groundless fancy
to be counted a call from God; for many (I say) think they
are called of God, as Jer. xxiii., whom the Lord "hath not
sent." (3) That any act of man doth not give a call to a
minister; for ordination by ministers, or election by the
people, which are the two means by which it is pretended
this call is conveyed, is posterious to this call of God.
And, besides, ministers may ordain, and people may elect,
such as were never called of God; so, though never so
regularly ordained and admitted, yet are they to be esteemed
no ministers of Christ.

\lhly, As the revelation of God's Word in all ages hath
been the rule whereby to discern who have been called of
God to be His servants, and who not; and therefore, when
God revealed Himself immediately to His prophets, this
immediate revelation published by the prophets was the
ground of faith and rule of practice, so now, the revelation
of God's will being committed to writ or Scripture, it hence

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 231

follows, that by the Scriptures only we can know who are
His ministers called of Him, and who are not; and this
knowledge is as certain as any knowledge that could be had
from the prophets of old, and as clear and evident; Luke
xvi. 31, "If they believe not Moses and the Prophets,
neither will they believe though one arise from the dead."'
The Scriptures, then, I must look into and by them know
whether the Lord hath called me or not. The general I
find in several places of Scripture; Luke xix. 13, "Occupy
till I come." 1 Pet. iv. 10, "As every one hath received
the gift, so let him minister unto another." 1 Cor. xii. 7,
"The manifestation of the Spirit is given to profit withal."
By all these Scriptures I gather, that whatever talents men
have received from Christ, they are not to lie idle, nor to be
kept up in a napkin, but that they are to be put in use and
exercised for God. And this Scripture, "Occupy till I
come," is the general warrant that ministers and all other
persons of different occupations and gifts have to discharge
their office. If any then inquire, What is my call to preach?
I answer, Our Lord's command and call, "Occupy till I
come." The word was brought to my remembrance, when
I was exercised about this matter; and did not the Lord
command us in His Word, no man should misimprove any
talent he hath; ministers in preaching do not but occupy
till Christ come. And here is my first ground.

5//z/v, By this general call, none is particularly engaged
to follow the ministry but such as are qualified. For he who
is fitted for an artificer, for a scholar, for a lawyer, for a
physician, although he is bound by this general to employ
his talent for God, yet is not every one by this Scripture
bound to discharge the office of the ministry, unless he be
qualified thereto. It is, therefore, further requisite to a
divine call, that the person be fitted more for this than for
anything else. He, therefore, who is not qualified for the
ministry, hath not gifts, is not called; and he who is more
fitted for this than for anything else, is called of God,
because he is called to minister as he hath received, 1 Pet.

232 Memoirs of the

iv. 10. A man's talent is the determiner of that general,
" Occupy till I come." Now I begin to see what is my
talent; and truly there was no other thing I was more
fitted for, or qualified, than preaching and serving God in
the ministry. And though my parts were but weak, and
my talent small, especially in the beginning; yet did I see
some measure of qualifying, and divine preparation for this
work, and truly more than for any other employment, and
therefore did I judge I was bound to occupy for God in
that work. Some natural endowments I had, by which I
was sufficiently capable of any science, yea, of natural
theology. The dealings of God with my spirit in the work
of conversion were very distinct; and though I could not
see but confusedly at first, yet afterwards I did see to
perceive that work very distinctly. And not only so; for I
judge it very needful for a minister to be converted ere he
endeavour to convert others, Luke xxii. 32; Psalm li. 12, 13,
"Restore the joy of thy salvation, and then will I teach
transgressors thy ways." So, Isa. vi. 7, the prophet's iniquity
must be taken away ere he receive his commission, and that
after deep humbling in the dust. The Lord did not only,
by conversion begun and renewed, fit me for the ministry;
but did give me great experience of the exceeding evil of
my heart, of the terrors of God, that so I might know to
persuade others, 2 Cor. v. 8; as likewise opened my eyes to
see the glorious mysteries of the covenant of grace, telling
me something every day as it were. And truly I had not
been many days in Christ's school, judging the covenant of
grace, when I thought I was come to a new world; my
former life seemed a dark howling wilderness, and the life
of grace I looked upon as the lightsome Canaan, the harbour
of rest after my tossings. Divers and various conflicts I had
with unbelief, and much exercised with the law and the
bond-woman seeking to get in my conscience. I was much
helped by Luther on the Galatians, and Calvin's Institu-
tions; something more by that book called the "Marrowof
Modern Divinity;" by some old writers, as Fox, Bradwar-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea

233

I din's Letters, Mr Hamilton, and Wisheart; but especially by
! reading the Epistle to the Romans, by prayer and medita-
tion, by which I came to receive very much satisfaction in
my mind in the Gospel. I perceived that our divinity was
much altered from what it was in the primitive reformers'
time. When I read Knox, Hamilton, Tindal, Luther, Calvin,
Bradford, etc., I thought I saw another scheme of divinity,
much more agreeable to the Scriptures and to my experience
than the modern. And though I plainly enough saw the
errors of the Antinomians (for their errors lay very near
truth), yet I perceived a gospel spirit to be in very few, and
that the most part yea of ministers did wofully confound the
two covenants, and were of an Old Testament spirit; and
little of the glory of Christ, grace and gospel, did shine in
their writings and preaching. But I abhorred and was at
enmity with Mr Baxter, as a stated enemy to the grace of
God, under thereover of opposing some Antinomianism.
He boldly averred what others thought and materially be-
lieved, even whilst they did speak against him; by which
he was hardened in his way. Now I thought the great
pains the Lord did take in this with me, the experience
also I had of great afflictions and the Lord's support under
them, and delivering from them, and sanctifying of the
same to me by instructing me in many chief lessons by the
rod; what should all this mean, said I, but that the Lord
gives me experience of these things, to the end I should
make this His ''righteousness known in the great con-
gregation?" If this be spoken in my ear, shall I not divulge
it "on the house tops?" Luke xii. And was not all this
to qualify me, and make me a fit minister of the New
Testament? And this was a second consideration to clear
my call to me.

bthly, The Lord did by His Spirit apply the general
call particularly to my soul. He brought home that word,
"Occupy till I come;" and dealt with me, told me that
the Lord called me to "serve Him in the Gospel of His
Son," and to employ what talents I had that way; was at

234 Memoirs of the

much pains with me till I should yield. For gifts and
abilities to preach and pray are not a sufficient call to a
man to be a minister, though they be necessary to the call.
A man's natural gift and ability for any magistracy doth not
presently call him to that office; and some have gifts for
divers offices that yet are called but to one. And hence it
is, that a man's call to the office of the ministry is in some
things different from the call of believing. For that call or
command of God to believe, reaching all within the visible
Church, doth oblige all thereunto, whether they do so or
not, yea, whether the Spirit strive with them or not, though
without this they neither shall nor can believe; but this call
to the ministry, though it be in God's Word, yet it doth not
oblige any particularly to the work of the ministry without
the working of the Spirit. And, therefore, is the applica-
tion of the Spirit, in the matter of the call to the ministry, a
very necessary part and constituent of the call, and requisite
not only to enable us to the thing as it is in the case of
believing, but likewise to warrant that particular thing. For,
however, the general call, " Occupy till I come," do warrant
such as have parts and talents to employ them for God, yet
doth it not warrant a godly able man to exercise his talents
in a public ministerial way more than any others, until the
Spirit determine his spirit. And this I found the Spirit did
likewise to me: (i) In representing to my soul the beauty
and glory of the office of the ministry. O to serve the Lord
in this! said I; nothing is like it! To testify for God, to
hold forth the " riches of Christ," to bear His name; what
more honourable employment! And like as the merchant
must see the pearl ere he buy it, Mat. xiii. 45, and we must
"see the Son" ere we "believe in Him," so that beauty and
glory of the work of the ministry must be seen ere we take
with it. (2) The Lord by His Spirit did draw out and
incline my heart to this work; and so many times I was
taken off from other studies and exercises, and was set on
this, and many times did I ardently desire it; yea, I had
marvellous delight in the exercise of any work belonging

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 235

to the ministry, whether it was reading of theology, either
practical or polemic, meditating upon or writing my thoughts,
studying or preaching of sermons. And truly parents send
their children to these trades that they observe them to be
most of themselves inclined to; "Send me," saith Isaiah, vi.
6. (3) By fitting, preparing, and qualifying me for that em-
ployment; by renewing a distinct work of conversion in my
soul; by exercising me with various and great outward
afflictions; by discovering unto me something of the
mystery of grace and of the Gospel. And the more fitted
I was, the more inclined to the work; and though I studied
but little, yet the Lord blessed it marvellously. (4) By
doing my soul good, in being exercised in preparing for the
ministry. For it was by studying to preach, and meditation
on several subjects, that my soul recovered out of my first
backsliding; and by meditating upon subjects, and preach-
ing of them, I daily grew in grace and knowledge of Christ.

*]thly, The Lord, not only by His Spirit working inwardly
upon me, but likewise by His Work, did clear that He called
me. For my heart was utterly averse to any other study or
employment; all attempts, designs, and endeavours to settle
in any other station were crushed and broken, and matters
in the world went still worse and worse, until I resolved and
engaged with the work of the ministry; and from that time
I observed the weather turned, and my captivity was turned
back. What judgment can I make of the Lord's barring
all other doors, and His opening of this, but that I should
go in here, and look to no other thing?

St/zfy, I am much confirmed in my call to the ministry
by that providence of the vows I made to this purpose, that
I should be drawn out to make such a vow; that the Lord
should so soon testify His approbation thereof, and answer
me so suddenly, so clearly, so fully, and so particularly and
suitably to my vow in all things. For my want of assurance
was my great doubt, and that which made me afraid to
engage with the ministry; whereupon I vowed solemnly,
that if the Lord should clear up my interest to me, and

236 Memoirs of the

reveal the mystery of the Gospel, covenant of grace, and
faith to me, I should then apply myself to the ministry,
provided the Lord did answer this in five years. But the
Lord in less than six weeks answered it; for in a month or
thereabout did the Lord convince me of faith, called me to
believe, opened His covenant to me, never left me till I
believed it, and thereafter sealed it with the spirit of assur-
ance. And in my vow I said, that if the Lord would
hearken to me, in clearing of these things, I would look
on it as an evident token He called me to serve Him in
the Gospel.

gtkfy, About the latter end of the year 1665, I remember
the Lord put this call close to my door,~tbleKme I was to
be His witness, to testify for Him against the world, to do
all the good I could to mankind wherever I was called; and
that I should make this my only work, and be faithful, free,
and full in it; that many things needed reformation, and
that the Lord would employ me in it. This was pressed
much on me; and because I refused, and like Jonah, fled
from the Lord, He sent a storm of terrors after me, and I
was casten into a sea and depth of hell many weeks. The
work I was called to was so hard, that I durst not under-
take it, but delayed it.

lot/ify, Another consideration that cleared my call to
me was, that the ministers and faithful servants of Jesus
Christ did solemnly examine my call, and after trial of my
gifts and conversation by several exercises and pieces of
trial recommended me, being intimately and of a long
time acquainted with me, having preached frequently in
their hearing, and having given proof of my gifts, were so
far satisfied with me, that unanimously, without the least
censure, they agreed to trust me in the name of Christ
with the dispensation of the Gospel; and this was in the
year 1672. They were better judges than myself, and they
found the Lord had called me, and therefore did in the
name of Christ declaratively empower me to exercise the
office of the ministry.

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 237

Lastly, When I consider the effects which followed on
my admission to the ministry, I am much confirmed in my
call; for by preaching and discharging my duty otherwise,
I myself was watered, my gifts increased, more of the
Lord's will was manifested and made known to me, and
my labours were blessed to many, to whose heart and case
the Lord made me many times to speak. And though,
while I was in Scotland, I never received nor would take
a sixpence for preaching, but lived upon what was my
own; yet I prospered much in my outward estate in the
world, I cleared my debts, I reserved some part of my
estate to my debts, and maintained myself; I married all
my sisters, insomuch that in fourteen years I was better
by eight or nine hundred pounds sterling than when I
began, although there was never a week but I preached
twice and sometimes oftener. And this I looked upon as
a token of the Lord's acceptance of my labours.

SECTION 11.

Of a Minister's work and qualification.

1st, It was not merely to show or discover my gifts, by
letting people know what I could say from a text of Scrip-
ture, that I was called; I had great inclinations of myself to
preach and speak from Scripture. Nor was it to baptize or
minister sacraments, nor was it the name or title of a minister
that I was to take on, or which I did effect most; God did
not send me to baptise but to preach. But that which I was
called to was, to testify for God, to hold forth His name and
ways to the dark world, and to deliver poor captives of Satan,
and bring them to the "glorious liberty of the sons of God."
This was I to make my only employment, to give myself to,
and therein to be diligent, taking all occasions; and to be
plain, full, and free in this charge. I was called to enter in
hot war with the world and sinners, to fight by my testimony
against them for God. This was it I was called unto,

238 Memoirs of the

and unto a conversation suitable thereunto, and to "take
up the cross daily and follow Christ." I was called to
be a watchman, and to take the charge of the care of all
my relations and acquaintances; to be a watchman over
and keeper of them, and to be free and faithful in this
with every one, and my own soul to lie at the stake to be
forfeit if I failed; and this commission might have been
discharged, though I had never taken a text or preached
formally, Acts ix. 15; Rev. x. ; John vii. 7; Acts xx. 18;
Luke v. 10, and 2 Tim. ii. 19.

2dly, This being the minister's work and employment,
the means and ways by which he is to discharge this com-
mission, and execute the end of his calling, are: (1) By
public preaching, holding forth their sin and misery to men,
and the remedy Christ Jesus, and persuading to be recon-
ciled, 2 Co., v. 21. Mat. xxviii., "Go disciples, to all
nations, preaching to them; preach the Gospel to every
creature under heaven." By this means they publish their
commission, and "seek obedience to the faith," in all the
world, Rom. i. 5. And this they should do "in season and
out of season," and in dependence on God both for what
to say and a blessing, should say nothing but what they
"have received from the Lord Jesus," and of which Christ
should be the Alpha and Omega. (2) He is to discharge
his office by praying for such as are committed to his charge,
and that both publicly and privately, affectionately and
fervently. You see Paul doth not cease to make mention
of churches in his prayers. They are priests to God, who
not only make supplication for themselves but for others.
It is true, every Christian is bound to pray for the whole
Church of Christ, and for the members especially to which
Himself is related; but a minister is in a special manner
bound. He who doth not water his labours with affectionate
prayers and tears, I doubt that he shall labour successfully.
(3) Hs is to execute his commission by exhortation, private
and occasional instruction, whether for reproof, comfort or
information and direction. And this is it which I suppose

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 239

I was most called unto, viz., to take all occasions with all
persons in private discourse to make the name of Christ
known, and to do them good, and to do this as my only
work; and to do it boldly, and faithfully, and fully. And
this to do is very hard in a right and effectual manner; to
do this is harder than to preach publicly; and to be
strengthened, directed, and encouraged in this is that for
which I ought to live near in a dependence on Christ,
"without whom we can do nothing,*' and of whom is all
our sufficiency. In preaching, there are a great many whom
we cannot reach, and there are many to whom we have no
occassion to preach publicly; we may thus preach always,
and speak more successfully than in public, where the
greatest part of hearers do not understand the minister
though he speak never so plainly. This likewise we are
called unto this day, seeing we are by force incapacitate;
but Oh, how is this neglected! Were ministers faithful in
this, we should quickly see a change in affairs; but, alas!
with grief of heart I speak it, it is in this thing that I
challenge myself most of any; it is in this that I have most
come short, and I suppose it may be so with others too.
The apostles went from house to house. (4) The fourth
mean by which we are called to dicharge the office of the
ministry is by a godly conversation; hereby we glorify God,
and preach most effectually to others. Example is very
powerful; and where this is not, preaching and other
labours are in vain; for without this the most seriously
delivered sermons are nothing in effect but a well-acted
stage-play, 1 Thess. ii. 10. This was it that made the
apostles' preaching so efficacious to the Thessalonians, that,
they perceived them to be of very holy conversation. "Ye
know what manner of men we were for your sakes." They
illustrated by their practice as by example what they
preached. All are bound to be holy, but ministers much
more; and their godly conversation is one of the ways they
preach, and which many times doth convert, 1 Pet. iii. 2;
some, not gained by the Word, are gained by the con-

240 .}femoirs of the

versation of their wives or their believing relations. (5)
They may discharge their commission by writing of epistles
or treatises as the Lord shall call or enable them, and
especially when there is no access to other means. Thus
the Apostle Paul did write when in prison, or when he
could not get to them. Many breathings are lost for
neglect of this, saith Mr Shepherd. To all these five
things I found myself called.

2>dh\ As to the nature of my particular call to preach
the Gospel, by ought I can discern through the moving of
God's Spirit, or the encouragement I had thereto, it was
not to preach to any particular flock, gathered or un-
gathered; but it was to preach to the whole world, especi-
ally my relations and acquaintances. My commission was
much of the nature of that man's, Mark iv., "Go and show
thy friends what God hath done for thee." The Lord then
had scattered both shepherds and flocks: we were then
to preach wherever we could find people. Yea, though I
had three calls from three different societies of Christians,
yet did I not incline to fix with any, Mark xvi. My com- .
mission, I thought was rather indefinate than definate;
"Preach the Gospel to every creature under heaven." (2)
And hence I was called to preach in a vagrant manner, ,
sometimes to one place, sometimes to another, here and
there, up and down the country, as I was called by the
people, not staying above a week in one place. So at
Edinburgh, where my family was, where once every week-
day, if at home, I preached a sermon, and on the Lord's
day. I loved not fixed stipends and pulpits, while the
Lord Jesus Himself was unfixed; but thought it most
kindly to follow the wandering ark and tabernacle. (3)
The chief things I was called to preach and declare were,
man's misery by nature, the nature of regeneration and
salvation by Christ, Ezek. xx. 4; Micah hi. 8; and my
spirit did more freely go out in a gospel-strain than in a
legal. I never in my sermons reflected upon the persons
of rulers or councils; neither laboured to stir up the people,

Rev. James Fraser of Brea.

241

nor did I insist ordinarily upon public differences. But
though I did sometimes (the Lord putting it in my mind and
mouth) preach against the ungodly ministers the curates,
the particular duties of the times, yet were the substantial
truths of religion the more ordinary subject of my dis-
courses, and it was "Christ and Him crucified" that I was
mostly called to preach. (4) I was called (I say) more to
preach by private exhortation than by public formal preach-
ing; and to endeavour the conversion of some and edifica-
tion of others by transient occasional discourses. And in
the discharge of this I found more peace of conscience,
greater sweetness and profit, than by preaching of many
sermons; yet in this I was most defective, and to it had
least inclination. I found a private exhortation and in-
struction, transiently and occasionally given, do more
good than many sermons. And private exhortation is
preaching, and hath the advantage of public preaching,
especially at this time, in this regard, that there is more
self-denial, less carnal vain ends in it, than in public preach-
ing; in this occasional preaching, by way of transient dis-
course, we have occasion given us to make what we say
plain, and beat it upon them, and hear what they say.
Lastly, we can do this without breach of law. We cannot
do the other without undergoing great suffering, and in
hazard to be frustrated; and the Lord, by the prevalency
of the laws against these more formal preachings, seems to
call us to see what private discourses may do. (5) I was
called to preach plainly, particularly, and authoritatively,
as the messenger of Jesus Christ, with all sorts of persons;
yet courteously, wisely, meekly, and gently; not to speak
in a cloud of general words, but "Thou art the man,"
to reach home; nor yet to speak lightly or slightly, but
seriously and gravely, that it may be reverenced and re-
garded by those to whom it is directed. For both we should
speak what we say, and they hear as the Word of God; yet
withal wisely and meekly, shuning to give irritation. (6)
I was called to "serve God in the Gospel of His Son" as

16

242 Memoirs of the

my only and great work, to make this my trade and calling,
in which only, diligently, "in season and out of season,"
to be employed; and to take no other thing in hand, but
wholly to be given to this. uGive thyself wholly to these
things," saith the Apostle to Timothy. Acts vi. 4, "We
will give ourselves to the Word and prayer." They would
not so much as look to the distribution of supply to the
poor, lest it should divert them from their function in the
Word. (7) And that I might the better discharge my office
and confute adversaries, I was called to read some, and
meditate on what I read. (8) To discharge the work of
my calling in a special dependence on God for light, life,
assistance, wisdom, and a blessing. No calling, no work
under heaven, wherein there is more need of dependence
on God than the work of the ministry. Alas! we know
neither what to say nor how to say, "We are not sufficient
for these things, but our sufficiency is of God." Nor ought
we to speak anything but as the Lord giveth utterance. By
this I perceive it is not every person, yea, every Christian
or saint, that is a fit and qualified person for the ministry;
they must be "polished shafts." Right interpreters are rare
persons, "One of a thousand," Job xxxiii. 23. Nay, very
few of those who are called of men are called of God to the
ministry: for (1), Ministers must be persons of good parts
and endowments, able to convince and put to silence ad-
versaries; they must have knowledge and learning more
than others. (2) They must be saints and Christians ere
they be ministers; for how shall Satan cast out Satan?
What do all gifts profit if a man wTant grace or charity? Is
he not as a "tinkling cymbal?" How shall such persuade
others, who themselves never "knew the terrors of the
Lord?" Shall they tell others the way to heaven, that never
themselves travelled that way? Is not this for "the blind
to lead the blind?" Can a blessing be expected on the
labours of such? I do not say that grace is essential to the
ministry, but appearance of grace and serious profession is
needful; and it is necessary to the bene esse of a minister.

Rev. James Fraser of Bren. 243

(3) He must have a more than ordinary stock and measure
of grace, of knowledge, patience, zeal, experience, sobriety,
watchfulness, faith; he cannot without this be "one of a
thousand." He must be one acquainted in some measure
with Satan's devices, and with the corners of the little
world the heart. (4) A godly, heavenly, pure and spiritual
conversation and behaviour, to illustrate what he delivers in
preaching, to exemplify a godly life, is a clear confirmation
of a minister's doctrine; and if it do not convert them, yet
still it will convince them. And when the conversation is
contrary, or short of the doctrine preached, that man "de-
stroyed what he buildeth" — he unpreacheth and confutes
what he preaches, and gives occasion to people to think
religion a stage-play. (5) The minister must have the
sense of his charge, the danger of immortal souls deeply
imprinted on his heart; it must be clear to him, that the
Lord hath called him, and to what he is called, and the
weight and import of his charge. It is a matter of life and
death; hence the charge of prophesying, committed to the
prophets, is called a burden. He that hath but slight im-
pressions of his charge will never faithfully discharge it.
(6) He must love and take pleasure in his work, be recon-
ciled thereto. He must not only be convinced that such
a work is incumbent upon him, and be some way sufficient
for the discharge of it; but his heart must lie to it, he must
have a will to it, else his work is not accepted; "With
good-will doing the work of the Lord;" God "meeteth
him that rejoiceth and worketh righteousness." He that
doth not so will not continue long in it; hence there must
be a desire of the office of a bishop. Paul was affectionately
desirous of the Thessalonians, and was "straitened in spirit"
till he had discharged his commission; "Gladly willing to
spend and be spent for you." (7) He must be a prudent
man; "Be ye wise as serpents, " Matth. x., "Being cunning,
I caught you with guile; he that winneth souls is wise/
There is a divine wisdom and prudence in '"fishing of men"
for Christ. (8) He must be a tender-hearted man, ready to

244 Memoirs of the

sympathise with all that are in affliction, either inward or
outward, i Thess. ii. 7; be as a nurse to them. Compassion
puts ministers to do much for the souls of people, and when
people see the compassion of ministers, it takes much with
them. (9) They must always live near God, and depend
on Him for wisdom, courage, and success; they must be,
with Moses, much in the mount. (10) They must be bold
courageous men, men of great zeal for God, "not afraid of
the faces of men," but "set their faces as a flint." (11)
Humble persons, "bearing with much meekness and long-
suffering those that are out of the way," 2 Tim. ii. 25. Of
all these qualifications I had some small measure, of some
more, of some less, but of none what I ought to have.

SECTION III.

Observations and instructions from the aforesaid narration.

The office of the ministry is an honourable employment.
What a trust and an honour hath the Lord been pleased to
confer on me, that He hath intrusted me with the charge of
souls, and to be His ambassador, and witness, and apostle
or messenger, "for obedience to the faith among all nations."
"Unto me is this grace given, that I should preach the un-
searchable riches of Christ." (2) I perceive that I am bound
to another kind of life than the rest of the world, to be holy
in another manner than they; that, as the Lord hath set me
in a more eminent place, so I should be more eminent in
holiness, adorning the Gospel: they that "bear the vessels
of the Lord's" house ought themselves to be holy in a special
manner. (3) A minister's work and charge is very weighty;
they are placed in the very front of the battle against the
devil and the world, to "declare the whole counsel of God"
to them; and they stake their souls for security of their
faithful discharge of their duty. (4) Of all sorts of persons
in the world, they have greatest need of dependence upon
Christ for light and strength; for their work is far above their

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 245

abilities, and therefore are they constantly to have their eyes
to the Lord for daily supplies according to their need. (5) I
find I have great reason to be humbled for my shortcomings
in several things; as, 1st, That I have never been so sensibly
affected with the great charge the Lord hath put (and I have
condescended to take) upon me. 2dly, In that I have not
applied myself wholly to these things, nor given myself to
word and prayer as my only work. How much of my time
hath been spent in not discharging any part of my duty?
3dfy, I have been sadly entangled with the affairs of this
life, and my heart is so taken up with them, that I had but
little heart to my charge; at least I could not wholly look
to these things. 4////1', I have not had that tenderness
towards perishing souls, nor such sense of God's presence
and matters I have been speaking of. 5^/y, I have not so
depended for counsel, direction, strength, and a blessing
from God : I have spoken in my own wisdom too much, and
have had not things so purely from God. 6t/i/y, The duty
of particular exhortation much slighted: many means, as
private conference, writing of letters towards saving and
edifying of souls, have been neglected. *]thly, My conver-
sation hath not been so shining and convincing as became
a minister. Zthly, I was many times timorous and bashful,
when I should boldly have appeared against sin and for
God. For these, with many sinful defects, I desire to mourn
and be humbled before the Lord, and to seek mercy through
the blood of Jesus Christ.

But, however, I have great cause to be humbled for
many sinful defects I have been sensibly convinced of, and
to flee to the Lord Jesus' blood shed for the remission of
sins for pardoning grace; yet I have the Lord to bless, and
have great peace and comfort, for not a few things that
through His grace I have attained: (1) That the Lord hath
so far honoured me, as to call me to serve Him in the
Gospel of His Son, who was educated and placed in another
station in the world, and designed by my parents and friends
for another business; (2) That the Lord was at such pains,

246 Memoirs of the

by converting me once and again, by sore spiritual conflicts
and exercises, desertions, lifting up and casting down, afflic-
tions, persecutions, death of relations, temptations, and
trials, to qualify me in some measure for the ministry, and
that for several years before I entered thereunto. (3) That
the Lord did so wonderfully bless the little endeavours I
used, and pains I took, for increasing my knowledge, im-
proving my parts and gifts. (4) That I am in some measure
not only called, but convinced of my call, to the ministry.
(5) That I durst never preach anything to others, bat what
I had some experience of in my own spirit; that I had
myself walked in that way that I directed others to walk in;
that I never gave a mark or sign of grace, but what I could
say I found in myself; that I never started doubts, or en-
deavoured to loose them, but by these means and medicines
the Lord's Spirit had formerly proposed and loosed them to
myself; I only delivered what I received from the Lord
Jesus. (6) That the Lord not only commissionated me to
preach and cry, but directed me always what to cry ere I
preached. Every sermon I preached, I had it with some
warmness and life from the Lord upon my own spirit; and
I durst never preach that sermon that I was not in some
measure affected with in studying before I preached it. (7)
That I never undertook the office of the ministry for filthy
lucre's sake in the least, refusing money for the space of
twelve years, so that I had not a farthing from any upon
that or any other account during all that time, but wholly
maintained myself with my own estate; nor yet mostly or
altogether from pride or vain-glory, but was desirous of the
office to honour and serve Christ therein, and likewise to do
all the good I could to poor sinners. (8) That my labours
were not altogether in vain, but much accepted with gracious
persons and others, and efficacious to not a few; and my
repute was amongst the best, and honoured more both at
home and abroad than I desired or deserved. Common
people did repute me and love me, because I spoke to their
capacities, and used similitudes; those that were more know-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 247

ing had me in esteem, because I was full master of whatso-
ever I spoke; and many liked me because I spoke of things
that were little touched by others, viz, the difference betwixt
law and gospel, freedom and absoluteness of the covenant,
and some peculiar notions I had, which the most part did
relish, but some again did so far mistake as to think I was
a setter-forth of new opinions. (9) That I was in some
measure endued with all the qualifications needful to a
minister, though I had but a small degree of some of them.
(10) That my gifts, parts, and graces sensibly increased, yea,
and outward estate in the world, since I entered upon the
work of the ministry. (11) That as I sensibly found my
own weakness and insufficiency to do ought for the Lord,
so I have as sensibly found the immediate supply of the
Spirit of Grace enabling to discharge the duty of my calling
in a gracious and comfortable manner. (12) I bless the
Lord, whatever were my shortcomings and failings, I never
dishonoured my calling by any scandalous sin; my conver-
sation was truly, in some measure at least, suitable to my
office. (13) That I was always on the Lord Jesus' side,
and opposite to the dragon and his party. (14) That He
gave me to suffer for His truth, as well as to preach His
truth; and that all the malice of adversaries did never make
me change in principle, or comply in the least with them.

A ministerial call is God's command in His Word to such
as He hath gifted for that employment to serve Him in the
Gospel, applied by the Spirit to the heart inwardly, and
found and declared to be such by such as He hath appointed
for that purpose, and received for that effect by His Church.
(2) The subject of this power is the Lord Jesus, from whom
he receives it; but the Church, consisting of spiritual officers
and professed believers, are the instruments of application ;
the one by election, by which he is made minister of such a
people; and the other by appointment or ordination. It is
from Christ that all true ministers have their commission :
but the Lord Jesus, the only chief bishop, appoints servants
to see His commission; and* in case they discern it to be

248 Memoirs of the

from Christ, are to publish the same. (3) It would seem
that ministers ordaining and solemnly appointing a person
to the work of the ministry is much declarative of what
Christ doth principally; as it is with an ambassador or
herald who denounces war, it is his master who doth it, he
but ministerially publishes and declares it, and at most he
doth but instrumentally and ministerially denounce war. (4)
Yet are not ministerial acts of preaching, ordaining, excom-
municating, mere idle declarations, but have an instrumental
causality, and are efficacious, producing effects; and hence
we hear tell of "hewing by the prophets," and of "the sword
of Elisha, which should slay;" Jeremiah is "as fire," and
the people "as wood to be consumed." (5) Yet it is not
this by virtue of any natural, innate causality in the word
preached, or other ordinance dispensed; but the Lord doth
make use of the minister's declaration (for in itself it is no
more) as a passive mean to do His will by; as a channel is
said to convey the water into the sea, though it cannot put
forth any active efficacy thereunto. (6) In some cases
ministers have authority to preach, either by election or
ordination. The want of any of these doth not annul a
minister's office, the Lord conferring the power sometimes
by ordination as the channel, and sometimes by election.
Ordination, I think, makes a minister; or the Lord by laying
on the hands of the presbytery, doth confer a right to preach,
and make a minister: and the election of a people doth
make a man their minister. (7) As every Christian, who is
baptized in any particular church, is baptized in the universal
Catholic Church, and therefore hath right to a visible fellow-
ship with it in all privileges; so he who is ordained a minis-
ter, is a minister of the universal Catholic Church, and may
exercise ministerial acts in any place of the world, may
preach and administer the sacraments, and the like. (8) I
suppose, therefore, the practice of indefinite ordination is
very warrantable, that is, of ordaining a minister, though not
to any particular charge, especially ecclesia constitue?ida, or
turbata, where ministers cannot stay in one place, and where

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 249

the universal confusion of the Church doth call for help. In
a constitute settled church, elders indeed are appointed in
every city; for so the first ministers, apostles, seventy dis-
ciples, evangelists, were ordained; so Mr Wisheart, Tindal,
Bradford, Mr Patrick Hamilton, and most of our extra-
ordinary first reformers. (9) No unqualified person, that
is, no scandalous person, no ignorant or profane man, who
is not able in some measure to convince the adversary, can
be counted a minister in the court of heaven or of men; for
God never calls such in His Word to preach, whom He
hath not some way fitted for the work; nor doth the Spirit
of Christ apply this call to any but to such as are qualified.
And if men call any who visibly appear not to be so qualified,
as they may, and also too frequently do, it is clave err ante ;
this unqualified, so ordained, is no minister, more than a
woman ordained is to be esteemed a minister of Christ: for
the same law, that discharges and interdicts the one, inter-
dicts the other. (10) The orifice and acts of such, as ordina-
tion and baptism, though in themselves null, yet they are
effectual to godly persons, to whom their "uncircumcision
becomes circumcision;" and, therefore, are not necessary to
be retracted. The same I say of Popish priests, who are
not ministers of Christ; the ordinances dispensed by them
are all in themselves null, yet, to such as observe the law of
circumcision, their "uncircumcision becomes circumcision:"
and, consequently, a Popish priest turning orthodox, and
renouncing the great whore, and all antichristian authority,
there is no need he be re-ordained. (11) As there is no
necessity of the re-ordination of such, nor of the re-baptizing
of such as Popish priests or wicked scandalous ministers do
baptize; so, I think, the one may be re-ordained, and the
other in case of scruple may be re-baptized. (12) There is
no true ministry nor true ordinance of Jesus Christ in the
Popish Church, nor salvation in it as such. That work and
employment, which the Lord doth call us to, is ordinarily
that which we find our corrupt natures have most aversion
to, and therefore most difficult; for Satan will stir up the

250 Memoirs of the

greatest opposition thereunto, as we see in Moses and Jere-
miah. Therefore that part of the ministry your hearts
have greatest aversion to, and seek most to shift, is that to
which you are mostly called. (2) As the foundation and
ground of our call to believe on Christ is God's Word,
making it our duty to believe; so the ground and call of a
person to the ministry is no other than God's Word, such
as this. "Occupy till I come; every one, wherein he is
called, let him walk with God." (3) Such as God calls to
preach now, are not called to preach immediately. Much
less doth the call of God to preach actually constitute them
ministers; for then were they ministers before they were
ordained or elected. But he is called to preach in such a
manner, method, and order, that is, by the ordination and
election of the Church; God will have His power to be con-
veyed to him in such a channel. He will have him indeed
preach, but He will first have his gift and call tried; and
when the servants of Christ have found the Lord to have
called him, they are authoritatively in the name of Christ
to enjoin him to the exercise of his gift, and to publish the
same to the people. (4) Ministers ordinarily have great
aversion to the work of the ministry, it being a difficult
work, and a work above the strength of flesh and blood,
and exposing to the hatred of all men. And such who find
greatest insufficiency in themselves, and are most sensible
of their wants, are truly called of God; as Jeremiah, who
cried he was a child. (5) Therefore doth the Lord with the
very office, or short time thereafter, bestow qualities and
endowments fitting them for the service: as it is said of
Saul, that the Lord did "give him a new heart" when He
made him a king; the Lord many times in the very time of
ordination, and thereafter, gives greater measure of grace
and gifts to His servant. I cannot say but I found a
sensible increase of knowledge, gifts, and graces, from the
very time of my setting out, although in the very act of
ordination I did not find these gifts sensibly in me, or did
not find such a change. There is something of this there1-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 251

fore in that expression, "The gift that was given thee by
laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Some never
find the furniture till they be engaged in the work; increase
of gifts and graces therefore is a sign of God's call to the
ministry, and seal thereof.

The Lord calls to and employs men in the work of the
ministry, whom He never calls effectually to be saints. He
makes many in some measure meet for the ministry, and
useful to the Church, who were never made meet for the
kingdom of heaven, else Christ would never have called
Judas to be an apostle; although such usually discharge
their office neither so successfully, painfully, or comfortably,
and, I am sure, never acceptably. (2) Though hypocrites
and reprobates, whom the Lord Jesus doth make use of in
the Church, may be true and lawful ministers, yet cannot
it be instanced that the Lord Jesus in Old or New Testa-
ment did ever commission a scandalous, insufficient, or
unqualified person, or one known to be a hypocrite, to
serve Him. (3) I many times found, that when I thought
I was most enlarged, and most sensibly assisted, either in
preaching, or conference, or prayer, I have done least good,
there have not been such fruits; and on the contrary, when
I found greatest deadness and straitness in my spirit in
ministerial exercises, I found I have done most good : to
show we should not trust in ourselves, but in the Lord, in
Whom alone is the blessing, and of Whom alone is the
efficacy of ordinances; and to encourage ministers under
indispositions, and "out of season," to be always doing;
for they may do most good when they think themselves
least fitted for any such thing. (4) Sometimes, in the dis-
tempers of Spirit, I have said, I will retire and mend my
nets, and for some time "hear what the Lord will say to
me," and not open my mouth to speak to others. I have
then found it never worse with me, and my corruptions and
my confusions to grow stronger upon me; so that I have
been forced to alter my resolutionSj and appear in public;
and by studying of preachings, and by preaching of them,

252 Memoirs of the

I have sensibly found a cure of my spiritual distempers.
Nor, next to prayer, do I find anything more quickening
than studying a sermon, and endeavouring after a preaching
frame, and to hear what God would have me to say. (5)
Before I engaged with the office of the ministry, I was
engaged in a multiplicity of affairs, entangled and burdened
with great debts on my father's account, and several intri-
cacies, which made me for some time delay my entering
into the ministry. But, when I delayed, matters grew
worse; and, since I resolved, the Lord hath been pleased
to deliver me out of all my intricacies, so as I may, without
being burdensome to any, or great distraction, attend upon
my work, which is a very great encouragement to me. (6)
I many times am employed in business for others, against
my will truly; but ordinarily nothing that I meddle in of
others' concernments, if it be a civil business, doth prosper;
and yet I prosper in all my own affairs, except when I am
excessively and unseasonably taken up. (7) As discharging
of my duty faithfully is my generation's work; so I look
upon my great neglect and omissions of, and slightness in,
this work of the ministry, to be, as it were, my only evil,
the foundation of any breaches in my soul. Here, when I
reform, must I begun. (8) I seldom preach as I ought, or
to my own contentment, but after sermons see need of
fleeing unto the blood of sprinkling for pardon, and before
this altar to mourn, grieve, and be humbled, and seek to
preach better and more holily, and to be under a greater
sense of what I preach, and whose words I preach, and of
those to whom I speak. (9) I find multiplicity of points,
though counted material preaching and quick speaking, not
so refreshful to my soul, or profiting to others, as a few
points well pressed and insisted upon, and gravely and
slowly delivered. And therefore of late I used but slow
delivery, and a few points. (10) I can speak with better
utterance in prayer than in preaching. (n) I usually,
especially when in a good frame, use many similitudes. (12)
God doth not call all to the ministry in a like manner: as

Rev. James Fraser of Brea 253

some, and ordinarily most, are very unwilling to undertake
the charge, and therefore must be "thrust out," as the word
is; so others do express more willingness, readiness, and
inclination to it. Hence some are said to "desire the office
of a bishop;" and Isaiah saith, "Send me," and offers him-
self to go; whereas Moses and Jeremiah are hardly brought
over. (13) Ordinarily, before a minister's closing with the
work of the ministry, there is an exercising of the person
with great and various tentations, and regeneration (as one
calls it), that the person, as it were, passes under a new work
of conversion, of conviction of sin, and pardon and justifica-
tion intimated unto his conscience, without which a gracious
soul will be very loath to engage in such a wTork. So Isaiah
was really humbled under a sense of guilt, and made to cry
out, until by a comfortable voice he be assured that his
iniquity is pardoned and himself justified. (14) There is
not only need of a gift and endowment to preach, but great
need of the actual breathing of the Spirit to stir up and excite
the gift that is in them; without which, though the Lord has
been pleased to give some small measure of talents, yet can
they not preach more than a child. (15) To draw souls to,
and build them up in Christ Jesus, is and ought to be the
great end and scope of all faithful ministers. Christ is the
Alpha and Omega of preaching, He is the centre wrhere all
the lines ought to meet; and, wThere Christ is not the sense
and life of preaching, wTe lose the text. (16) No secret or
mystery is more needful, and a minister should be versed in
or acquainted with, than the depth of the covenant of grace,
Christ and faith, the promises and the law.

CHAP. X.

OF MY MARRIAGE, AND THE LORD'S PROVIDENCES TOWARDS
ML DURING THE TIME OF MY MARRIAGE, WHICH WAS
IN THE YEAR 1 67 2, AND FOR SOME TIME THEREAFTER.

AT that time the Church of Christ had great rest and
liberty from persecution through variance amongst
the statesmen, and preachers were frequent, yea, the curates
were beginning to leave their pulpits. I was as busy as I
could amongst others, and in August had gone North, and
despatched some business there; the most was to take
course with some debts. I returned South, but a violent
persecution had broken out, and then there began to be
fining, imprisoning, taking, and summoning of persons, dis-
turbing of conventicles with soldiers. But yet the Gospel
prevailed more and more, and we were like the "Israelites
in Egypt, the more we were afflicted, the more we grew and
multiplied." Some hot-heads were for taking the sword,
and redeeming of themselves from the hands of oppressors;
at least I had ground to fear it: but I opposed rising in
arms all I could, and preached against it, and exhorted
them to patience and courageous using of the sword of the
Spirit; and I did not see they had any call to the sword,
that their "strength was to sit still." And if they did stir
and take the sword, they would therewith perish; but if
they patiently suffered and endured, God would Himself
either incline to pity, or some other way support and deliver
them. I had influence with the people, being popular; and
whilst I was at liberty, I did what I could to keep the
people peaceable. The truth is, there were great provoca-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 255

tions given, so that we conclude it was the design of some
rulers to stir us up that we might fall. Ministers still
preached and laboured amongst the people, conventicles
increased, many were brought in; the Work of God in the
midst of persecution did always prosper, until we destroyed
ourselves, first by needless divisions and difference in opinion
happening by reason of the Indulgence, and thereafter by
rash and unwarrantable taking up of arms most unseason-
ably in the year 1679; when the dissenting party, a good
number of them meeting at a conventicle to worship God,
being assaulted by armed men, and defending of themselves,
did kill about thirty men of their enemies. With this suc-
cess both engaged and heartened, great numbers gathered
together, but not in the Lord's strength; and there, by their
unseasonable divisions, and folly of some, they were made
a prey to their enemies, as is fully known. The persecu-
tion became so hot in the latter end of the year 1674,
and beginning of 1675, an<^ always after that, that some-
times I was in hazard to be taken preaching. It was then
I was intercommuned, with some other ministers, gentle-
men, and women, yea, some persons of quality; but the
Lord suffered not this ball, though it hit me, to do me
harm. The Gospel still spread, and the people of all sorts
ventured on converse with intercommuned persons. O let
"my soul bless the Lord, and not be forgetful of His
benefits; let me not conceal His loving-kindnesses, but show
them to the sons of men." Although the Lord afflicted me,
and kept the cross still upon my back, as I said; yet did
He likewise remember mercy, His mercies were "renewed
every morning" to me. And w/, the Lord showed His
mercy to me, in giving me a comfortable and suitable yoke-
fellow, who did me good and not evil all the days of her
life. In her did I behold as in a glass the Lord's love to
me, by her were the sorrows of my pilgrimage many times
sweetened, and she made me frequently forget my sorrows
and griefs, and was the greatest tentation to me of saying,
"It is good for me to be here;" so that I can seal to the

256 Memoirs of the

truth of that, "An inheritance is from the fathers, but a good
prudent wife is from the Lord, and whoso findeth her
obtaineth favour of the Lord." I had not in herself alone
a comfortable relation, but I had very much love and respect
from all her relations, which were many, and in whose sight
I found favour, that they considered me no longer as a
stranger but as their brother, and there was nothing but in
what I could command them; and many of them being
lawyers, advocates, clerks, and judges, I had their service
for nought, and glad were they to do me any good; by them
I obtained several things, and warded off several blows.
Nor did their love die with her, but continued constant to
this day, as ready to pleasure and do for me now as ever;
nor know I so much as of any one breach that ever was
betwixt us. She was kindly — "the law of kindness was in
her mouth;" she was prudent and well-bred, ordered her
affairs with great discretion, and by her wisdom and activity
did many things that were fair and lovely to look on; was
truly religious, and not only would comply with me in any
good work and spiritual duty, but many times would assist,
stir up, and encourage and remember me of my duty. 2dly,
I found much preserving mercy from the Lord. I was in
great debts when I married; some considerable sums of
money was I bound in, others I was not bound in, but yet
were truly owing, but was not able to pay them, being my
father's debt. Had those creditors fallen then upon me
whiles I was yet tender, they might have undone me, made
my life and my wife's very uncomfortable to me; but such
as I was owing to, the Lord was pleased to restrain, that
they did not process for their money until I was able to pay
them; nor did others stir at all of my creditors, though I
had fears they might arrest money belonging to my wife,
her interest at least; yet none ever moved. Some tried to
do something by law, but I prevailed against them; and my
cause seemed so just to the judges, that they could not harm
me; so that they agreed with me on what terms I pleased,
which was; to pay them what and when I was able, and how

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 257

I was able. Likewise, $dly. The Lord was so gracious to
us, as although I had no gainful employment, nor ever
received a sixpence for preaching whilst in Scotland, nor a
gift from any relation or friend, that yet, by the blessing of
the Lord on our management, I discharged a great burden
of debt without wronging my estate a sixpence. In that
four years and a half's time, I cleared seven or eight
hundred pounds sterling of debt, which by several obliga-
tions I was owing to several persons, and did settle a debt,
which betwixt principal and annual rent amounted to eight
hundred pounds, for two hundred. My own estate was not
above one hundred, my mother and public duties had yearly
thirty-five or forty pounds of it, it was not all well paid; I
had with my wife sixty-five pounds annuity, besides one
hundred pounds of stock; but it is true we got in above
five hundred pounds of a desperate debt we looked not for.
^thly, I looked on it as a piece of great mercy, that I had
by my marriage better and greater occasions of serving the
Lord and His people in the service of the Gospel; for living
for the most part in the South with my wife, I had frequent
calls to preach both in the cities and country, so that few
weeks passed that I did not preach twice a Lord's day, and
once every week besides, and sometimes much ofter, and
always to great multitudes, to several hundreds in the cities
and thousands in the country, being much followed where
they knew me: there was not such a door opened in the
North. $thly, I increased in grace, knowledge, and gifts,
while married, both by exercising my talents faithfully, and
having the opportunity of hearing the best gifted men in
Scotland, by whom I profited both as a Christian and as
a minister, and likewise by providences of mercy and judg-
ment shown me. 6t/i/y, Many experiences had I of the
Lord's goodness in delivering me out of great straits, as in
sparing my wife to me when in great straits and at the gates
of death, twice in delivering me from the hands of the
enemies; though intercommuned, yet thereby received no
damage; though sought out to be imprisoned, yet was hid;

17

258 Memoirs of the

and when such as intended to apprehend me were come in
where I was preaching, three several times was I preserved
from them wonderfully; money likewise to supply wants,
and credit was cast in to me wonderfully. Especially at two
several times, when, if a great sum had not been gotten, I
might have been broken, and my friends with me; but the
Lord lent it me, in stirring up some of whom I did not
expect it at all, without any motion of mine, to offer money
freely to me, and more than would do my turn. I had like-
wise experiences of the Lord's hearing of my prayer very
remarkably. And, finally, the Lord, was pleased to bless
me with children ; and I bless the Lord, He helped me in
some measure to carry Christianly in a married relation,
making conscience of private duties, having sometimes very
sweet and heart-refreshing fellowship betwixt me and my
wife alone, seeing and feeling much of the Lord's goodness
vented to me whiles in that relation, doing nothing, and
watching against what might stain my credit or authority
either as a minister or a Christian, being preserved from
gross pollutions through the mercy of the Lord. And yet I
desire to be humbled, to the justifying of God, and abasing
of myself, for great shortcomings and failings of which I
was both in the time and since convinced; as (1) I was
not so useful and profitable to my wife, family, and rela-
tions, as I should and might have been; many an oppor-
tunity had I which I nowise improved; I cannot tell if any
of them hath got good by me; I was not as the dew to
them. (2) I was not spiritual but very carnal in the
use and enjoyment of lawful comforts; had many times
a sensual carnal frame, and designed no spiritual end
therein. I did not, "wTherein I was called," walk so
closely with the Lord as I should and might. (3) I
was by the pleasures and satisfaction I found in a
married condition turned off in my affections and long-
ings after heaven, and now I began to see a greater
good on earth than before, and was in my heart saving,
"It is good to be here;" my heart was glued to sublunary

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 259

enjoyments, and much taken off Christ. (4) I did some-
times perform family-duty but slighty, and on haste neglect
and omit the same sometimes, and omitted reading, and
speaking from the Word, and catechising; yea, and omitted
many occasions of spiritual fellowship with my wife, although
the time spent that way, and our fellowship that way, was
the sweetest part of our married life.

CHAP. XI.

OF MY WIDOWHOOD, AND THE LORD'S PROVIDENCES DURING
THAT TIME; TOGETHER WITH OBSERVATIONS UPON MY
MARRIAGE AND WIDOWHOOD.

AND now there was an end put to my earthly joys, my
sun of earthly prosperity was set, and my nights and
"days of darkness," and "the years wherein I have had no
pleasure in them," were come; our sun must be overclouded
sometimes. Four years and a quarter did I live in a married
condition, "rejoicing with the wife of my youth" in the days
of my vanity, that is, from the latter end of July 1672, to
the latter end of October 1676, at which time must I be a
widower: for then did the Lord, who "gave, take away"
from me "the delight of mine eyes," and with her all earthly
joys.

I cannot say but the Lord gave me some warning of this
before it came to pass. I was threatened in the year 1673
with this, but the Lord spared her for that time, but it was
a mere suspension. Likewise that summer before she died,
I was then in the North to settle some affairs; but a sudden
damp was upon my spirit, by which my spirit was over-
whelmed with an unknown load of sorrow, and continued
for the space of two whole days. I hardly during that time
could speak, eat, or drink, nor knew I any cause for it; as
it came without any cause, so within two days it wore off
my spirit again. Now, these clouds upon my spirit are
always forerunners of a sharp and bitter storm to blow upon
me. The sense I many times had of my sinful course of
life, my shortcoming, my distance with God, my not im-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 261

proving the mercies that God gave me, did many times,
with some impression upon my spirit, presage the evil day
a-coming; yea, the extraordinary light and warmness of my
sun did tell me always before a shower; for truly the good-
ness of the Lord to me was my tentation to fear. How
frequently have I said to myself, "O how do I fear the
prosperity of fools may destroy me !" I perceive all the
people of God that I know visited with sorrow upon sorrow;
I see lamentation in the "tabernacles of Jacob," only I have
peace, increase in riches, children; have therewith peace
and quietness, respect from others, and what not ? Oh,
surely, if the Lord loves me, if I be not a bastard, a stranger
that hath no lot or part with the people of God, surely I
shall not be suffered to walk in a world alone, but shall
mourn with Zion; this world shall not hold. Thus did I
many times commune with my own soul, and, as Job said,
"I was not at peace" nor quietness, "yet trouble came;"
and "the evil I greatly feared was come upon me." Either
if the Lord loves me (said I), God will send some painful
sickness or blast upon my estate, or I shall fall into the
hands of the ungodly, or my wife shall be taken from me;
some awakening or other I shall have, that I know. And,
accordingly, in the beginning of October 1676, having a
call to Northumberland in order to do something (which
after I enquired the Lord, I was free to do), my wife
sickened of a fever, and some eight or nine days thereafter
she died, in vain calling for me during a great part of the
time of sickness, who was then some fifty or sixty miles
from her, and knew nothing. Letters were sent to me, but
came too late, only a day before she died; and, having
made what haste I could after I once understood she was
sick, I came and found her dead some four hours before.
I indeed remember I was, when absent at that time, stirred
up extraordinarily to mind her in prayer; and about the
very time she was a dying, an extraordinary cloud of horror
seized upon me, being then within twelve miles of my
journey to our own house.

262 Memoirs of the

Observations upon my marriage and ividowhood.

It is good for either man or woman to be first married
and engaged with Christ ere they be engaged with any
other, otherwise we shall never carry well in a marriage
state. When once the heart hath made its choice, it is
hardly brought to choose Christ; and therefore our days of
youth are days of choice, in which we are to "remember our
Creator," Eccl. xii. 1. The Lord was merciful to me, in
engaging me with Christ ere I settled any other way, Mat.
vi. ult., "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven." (2) It is
not convenient, I think, that people not come to the years
of discretion should marry; I was thirty-two years of age
when I married, and needed all the wisdom and experience
that by age I acquired to manage a married lot. (3) As in
all our ways we should acknowledge the Lord, so especially
in going about marriage, that we may marry "in the
Lord." For many years before I had thoughts of marriage,
I earnestly besought the Lord, that if ever I should change
my relation and manner of living, He would give me a com-
fortable yoke-fellow. And when the Lord opened a door,
I durst not so much as make a visit without prayer; and I
set a whole day apart before I did propose marriage to my
wife, to know the Lord's mind whether I should go on or
not, and to seek His blessing in case I should see it of the
Lord to go on. (4) The great end of marriage is to get a
"meet help" for furthering of the soul's condition and
spiritual concernment. We are not therefore to match our-
selves any way but such as may be conducible to that end;
other ends and advantages are to be subordinate to this.
(5) Therefore doth it much concern us that the person we
marry be a prudent, pious, and virtuous person; fools or
graceless persons we can never expect to be helpful to us
this way; it is dreadful to take a lump of wrath in our
bosom. He that marrieth a prudent, godly woman is sure
to have the Lord Plimself to his father-in-law. The seed of
the woman and of the serpent can never agree, dwell, and

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 263

walk together: nor can an ox and an ass, yoked together,
draw equally. (6) It is absolutely necessary that those we
marry be persons of good moral parts, and especially that
they be not of a cross but good humour naturally, and that
they have some good measure of prudence; without these
two you cannot live comfortably. Yea, grace, though I
confess it makes fools (even naturally so) wiser, and makes
the rugged lions eat grass like oxen, yet it doth not destroy
nature; and if there be not the stricter watch, it will vent,
and cause disorders in the family. That we live religiously
and to God, we owe it to grace; but that, as men and women
we live in external peace and comfortably, is much from
prudence and good natural humour. (7) It is a marvellous
and a blessed thing where God is pleased to unite in the
bonds of love first those He in His providence is pleased to
join in marriage. This is the blessing of the Lord upon a
marriage condition; this is it which makes the married walk
faithfully, in sweet spiritual communion with God, in joint
spiritual duties and exercises, and which makes it so com-
fortable; and this I found by experience. I found much
sweetness in spiritual fellowship with my wife; the pleasantest
time we ever had was these few hours we spent together in
prayer, in reading the Word, and the making of observable
things out of it, in spiritual conference, and joint binding of
ourselves to the Lord, in all which I found her very cordial;
nor can I say I found fellowship with any other so sweet as
with her. What a great advantage is it, and how necessary,
to be united by love with these with whom we join in fellow-
ship! (8) Grace -makes persons not only good Christians
but good in all relations. To say, a good woman, but a
bad wife; a gracious man, but a mighty cross, peevish,
sullen husband; a holy man, but a wonderfully bad master
or undutiful servant, is that which I truly think cannot be.
And however some have very confidently endeavoured to
make it out to me by several instances, yet truly, whatever
may be truth in it, I could never yet see through or under-
stand how it could be. (9) Marriage is one of the most

264 Memoirs of the

important steps of a man's life: O then, with what fear,
and trembling, and godly dependence, should we go about
such a matter ! I shall never forget what a minister said
when marrying two certain persons, viz., That repentance
mends all things but an ill-made marriage: it is either a
mean of the greatest comfort or sorrow. (10) If any per-
son be uncomfortably yoked, they may through grace be
profitably yoked. To marry an ill, cross and rugged per-
son is indeed grievous: but it may be and has been blessed
of God as the mean of greatest good. Thus I thought I
was thereby encouraged against terrible effects of a bad
choice; well, said I, if I fall not well, sure I am I shall
thereby have the best opportunity and advantage to be
mortified to the world that ever I had, and an ill wife
may do that good for me which all my former afflictions
could not do. (n) I have observed that several gracious
persons have been very unequally yoked with graceless
persons, and that to be the sad lot rather of poor women
than of men, and yet this hath been blessed of God to
them, and they helped to carry well under it. (12) A
marriage condition or state is both a blessed and comfort-
able state, and also a state liable to many inconveniences;
I found this fountain to "send forth bitter and sweet." As
it was a life of much contentment, and as I saw much of
the love and goodness of God, so did I see the same
seasoned with many ingredients, cares, and vexing fears,
that I never found in a single state; so that if I were absent
for four or five days, it was a terror to me to enter into the
family, lest I should hear or know that either wife or children
were unwell. (13) Although marriage be ordained for pre-
venting of fornication and burning lust, 1 Cor. vii. 4, and
for begetting of children to furnish the Church with an holy
seed, yet are they not the only great ends of marriage; for
aged persons that cannot get children, and such as never
found these violent desires, may lawfully marry, and that for
the great end of marriage, which is to have a suitable help,
a suitable companion, who may in our pilgrimage be com-

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 265

fortable to us, and help us in our way to heaven. (14)
Although increase of wealth or paying of debts be the
ordinary great end of marriage, with continuance of our
names, yet do I think it the meanest of ends. And just it
is (as ordinary) with God to make the marriage of such
uncomfortable, and to deprive them of the true comforts
and blessings thereof, who have their eyes so much there-
upon. This I may say, riches were not my aim, having
preferred her whom I have married to several with greater
portions, and in other things not inferior to her save only in
virtue and piety. (15) It is a very hard thing to guide a
marriage lot, and to walk prudently and in knowledge, to
keep such a spiritual frame as to possess our vessels in
holiness, and, like Enoch, to beget sons and daughters, and
walk with God. Alas! I know not how to walk perfectly
"in a perfect way," or how to behave wisely in my house.
I many times omitted opportunities of doing good, slighted
others; many times slightly and perfunctoriously went about
family duties, was carnal and excessive, was foolish in many
things; yea, the comforts of a present life, wife, children,
and relations, did blunt my desire after heaven, and I began
to say in my heart, "It is good to be here." (16) Over-
valued comforts are shortened, and a worm comes and con-
sumes them, so that they wither to the ground. (17) Loss
of comforts is as bitter, yea, much more than ever they were
comfortable when enjoyed. As I much comforted myself
in such a comfortable yoke-fellow, so it was exceeding bitter
when the Lord withered such a gourd, Jonah iv. 6, 7. (18)
Mercies obtained by, and received as the fruit of prayer,
are double mercies. What was comfortable and useful to
me in a yoke-fellow I obtained by prayer. (19) I think it a
greater sin to marry on the Lord's day than to yoke a plough,
inasmuch as the work and concern is greater; and I judge
it to be one of the provoking profanations of the Lord's
day, the sinful continuance of this; and I seldom ever see
these marriages blessed that were celebrated on that day.
They must be strangely mortified creatures that do not

266 Memoirs.

"find their own pleasures that day." I never durst do or
advise to it. I am hardly free for ministers to marry per-
sons; to give them exhortations, and to seek a blessing
upon them I think very commendable; but to minister in
the action, ceremony and rite, which is the badge of that
relation, I think it is more competent to him, than to give
a sasine in land. Yet, as times go now, I think it not
altogether unlawful to marry by a minister; but it were to
be wished this and other things were reformed, which, as
they are relics of Popery, so do they tend to beget in us an
opinion of marriage being a sacrament, seeing ministers
only administer it; and commonly people think, that if
ministers do not marry them, that they are not married at
all. And this likewise begets the marrying on the Lord's
day, seeing they take it for some spiritual action, perform-
able only by ministers. Other things I might observe, but,
fearing tediousness, I here end this chapter.

CHAP. XII.

OF MY SUFFERINGS.
SECTION I.

Of my public sufferifigs in general.

IT pleased the Lord, not only to exercise me with personal
afflictions, but likewise for purging away and healing of
my corruptions, for trial and exercise of my faith, patience,
and sincerity, for humbling of me, and for manifesting His
purity and holiness, and for confirmation and sealing of
God's truth and ways, to honour me with public sufferings
for His name; by being reproached, oppressed, and wronged,
intercommuned, troubled with citations before courts on that
account, wandering from place to place many times for fear
of my life, imprisoned, fined, and banished, and threatened
with death itself.

The cause and occasions of my sufferings was, dissenting
from, and noncomformity to, the government of prelacy in
the Church; for not coming to church to hear such ministers
and officers as did officiate by an unlawful (to me) authority;
for adhering to the persecuted, deserted party, who stood
upon their former ground, cleaving to their former principles;
and for taking upon me to preach without the bishop's
authority. This, in short time, exposed me to the last of
the laws against dissenters, and malice of the bishops, whose
principles, ways, courses, and office, I was convinced were
not of God, and by instinct was adverse to. For as to any
other thing, whether immorality or sedition, I could not be

268 Memoirs of the

charged therewith, being as to man unblameable, of suffi-
ciently loyal principles, and kept from having hand in our
concurrence with any public insurrection that was; so that
there was nothing that could be laid to my charge but as
concerning my God and conscience.

It is true, the very profession of religion did expose me
to persecution, viz., to reproach and contempt, and made
me not willing to bring my cause to their corrupt judica-
tories, choosing rather to suffer by unprofitable terms of
peace, than to bring my cause before them to be heard
publicly; for I knew both my person and principles were
unfavourable, and therefore doubted much of the issue of
my cause.

Hitherto my troubles reached none but myself; but
now, being married, they reached others: for within a very
few days after we were married, and were preparing to go
to the North, a messenger came with a summons to me to
appear before the council for keeping of conventicles. The
Bishop of Murray, in whose diocy I had preached, and a
privy counsellor, for some picque he had at my wife, did
cause me this trouble. I was herewith troubled; but my
wife's friends, to whom I communicated the matter, dealt
with the messenger to take of his summons, and to lay on
a new summons when we were to the North, where we were
to be in a day or two, and then indorse on the back of his
execution, that he found us not, which would make a new
summons necessary; and he did so. My adversaries were
enraged at this, and, disdaining to be thus outwitted, caused
send one hundred and sixty miles a new summons, which,
within two months after we were come North, came to our
hand. I was therewith much troubled on my wife's account,
fearing that the public would seize upon anything belonging
to her; however, I prayed to the Lord, and sought advice
what to do, whether I should answer the council's citation
(as my friends advised me) or not, and take my hazard.
The Lord was pleased to clear it to me, that I was not to
answer the citation, which light I followed; upon which I

Rev. James Frase?- of Brea. 269

was denounced and outlawed. My wife was very cheerful
under this. Within a short time thereafter we came South;
and then, understanding who were the authors of my
troubles, I thought it wisdom to take them off; and, for
this effect, employed such as had greatest influence with
the privy counsellor to deal with him to abstain from such
a matter and action so far below him. I likewise came
myself and spoke to him; and the Lord blessed the means
used so effectually, that he fell off, putting all the blame on
the bishop, and was ever thereafter a good friend to me;
and having the executions delivered him, he would never
give them up, by which means they came to nothing, and,
finally, were altogether forgotten.

After this there was "silence in heaven for half an hour,"
but then the angels of war did sound their trumpets; and
amongst other ministers was I sought for, and of new de-
nounced; was many times, while in the South, made to
shift my lodging; was frequently in fears and alarms, and
preached in great tentations through the lying in wait of
enemies; was several times interrupted in the very act of
preaching by soldiers that by orders came to apprehend
me; I could get no business done. The Lord by this did
only manifest His goodness in preserving and delivering me,
rendering enemies who did forbid us to preach inexcusable,
by this causing them fill up the measure of their iniquities;
my spirit by these tossings was rather distempered and
jumbled than bettered.

SECTION 11.

Of my being intercommuned.

The bishops, and other wicked men, perceiving all this
time that they "laboured in the fire," for the number of
dissenters increased, and the Gospel spread further and
further notwithstanding of all the violent means that were
used for suppressing it and the professors thereof, they

270 Memoirs of the

bethink themselves of intercommuning the chief ministers
that were most active in preaching, and the chief professors
both gentlemen and others, to the number of between three
or four hundred in the first or second intercommuning. It
was a public writ, served by king and council's authority,
straitly discharging, under highest pains, all his majesty's
subjects to converse or speak with, harbour or receive into
their houses, or administer any comfort to, the persons in
the writ particularly expressed. This was proclaimed and
printed; and thus for naked preaching were we processed
as murderers and traitors, for such were only in use to be
intercommuned. They thought this would keep the people
from us, or force us, finding no shelter, to remove out of
the land; and make us as ducks to decoy others, who,
could they be proven to have received or harboured us,
were fineable at the council's pleasure, and to be in the
same circumstances which we were in ourselves. I was,
through the malice of the bishops, put in with others, for
they knew that I was against the very hearing of their
ministers, and had several times preached in the fields, and
was very popular; they imagined also my parts were greater
than they were. And, therefore, though some friends dealt
that I might not be intercommuned, yet could not prevail;
the bishops would have it so.

Although this seemed to be the first storm of persecution
that yet had fallen upon us, and that now the adversaries
had boasted of an effectual mean for suppressing con-
venticles, and establishing prelacy and uniformity, and that
good people feared it; yet the Lord did wonderfully dis-
appoint them, and made and turned their witty counsels,
into folly; for this great noise harmed not at all, it was
powder without ball: for, as for myself, never one that
cared for me shunned my company; yea, a great many
more carnal relations and acquaintances did entertain me
as freely as ever they did; yea, so far did the goodness of
the Lord turn this to my good, that I observed it was at
that time I got most of my civil business expede. And as

Rev. James Fiaser of Brea. 271

the Lord preserved myself in this storm, so I did not hear
of any intercommuned, or conversers with intercommuned
persons, that were in the least prejudiced thereby; nay, this
matter of the intercommuning of so many good and peace-
able men did but exasperate the people against the bishops
the more, and procured to them, as the authors of such
rigid courses, a greater and more universal hatred; so that
the whole land groaned to be delivered from them.

SECTION III.

Of my first imprisotimetit in the Bass.

Some two years and a half did I continue intercom-
muned discharging the commission I had received from the
Lord Jesus in great weakness, I confess (yet desiring to
serve the Lord better, and humbled and grieved upon the
account of my great failing), and in manifold tentations
through the lying in wait of these who hunted after me.
For the bishops knowing that I was a rigid nonconformist,
who had not freedom to have any spiritual communion with
their church, and that I laboured to keep some halting be-
twixt two opinions from joining with them, and to divert
others from their (supposed by me) most sinful communion;
and imagining me to be of some parts, and very active in
preaching in the fields, and keeping up the Secession as
they called it; they therefore did stir up the king's council
against me, representing me to them as a person of very
disloyal principles and practices; so as there was a parti-
cular eye upon me, and I was one of the three that a con-
siderable sum of money was proffered for apprehending of,
to any person, although nothing could be laid to my charge
of sedition or insurrection, but only that I preached without
the bishop's authority, and had influence to keep such of
the nation as I had influence upon, or conversed with from
going alongst or joining with the public courses established
by law. Many attempts were made against me, which for

272 Memoirs of the

some years I escaped : at last the major of the town of
Edinburgh, being solicited by the archbishop, and en-
couraged and importuned thereto by the promises of great
rewards and acknowledgments, did on the Lord's day night,
being the 28th January 1677, by the treachery of a servant-
maid whom for money he had corrupted, who, being a
servant-maid to a relation in whose house I ordinarily
preached, had knowledge of my coming and going; thus
betrayed, I was apprehended by the said major about ten
o'clock at night, which was the time the maid had appointed
him to come to her master's house where I was for that day,
as I was, after supper, recommending the house and family
to God by prayer; I was then interrupted and carried to
prison. I did not think fit to resist, lest some friends and
relations which were with me might be made to suffer.

He who apprehended me went immediately to the arch-
bishop and told him the news of my apprehension, with
which the archbishop was greatly rejoiced, and by giving
some small token at present, and promises of greater reward,
dismissed the major. The archbishop, overjoyed with his
imaginary success and prosperity in apprehending me,
longed for the next day impatiently, on which, so soon as it
did dawn, he (being a counsellor) sent order to the jailor
that I should be kept close, and none suffered to have access
to me; which was done, until some of the counsellors in a
committee met the same night, before whom at five o'clock
at night I appeared, where I was examined, and verbally
charged as a seditious person, who did rent the Church
of Christ, and was very active to make and keep up the
schism; as a preacher in field conventicles, which was
death by the law; which they gladly would have me acknow-
ledge, as likewise who they were that empowered me to
preach: that I was intercommuned, and despised the law so
far as I never made any application to be freed from that
sentence: and that I was a person of very bad principles,
destructive to all government. And thereupon the arch-
bishop, who thereby thought to ensnare me by my own

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 273

words, inquired, Whether I judged it lawful upon pretence of
religion to take up arms against the king's majesty? This
was the sum: and that I kept correspondence with some
prisoners in the Bass, which the archbishop confidently
averred he knew. These things were not charged upon me
all at once, but in a confused way; and many things by way
of question. I cannot say of any of the committee of the
council but they were all civil and sober persons, of whom,
if the instigation and fear of the archbishop had not pre-
vailed with them, I might have been moderately dealt with:
but he did, in a bitter invective oration, represent me as a
very odious and criminal person to the other counsellors,
and aggravated my alleged crimes vehemently. To all
which I replied, That I did acknowledge I was (though
most unworthy) a minister of the Gospel; and that I indeed
preached frequently, as the Lord called me, and inde-
pendently on the bishop: that the subjects of my discourses
and sermons were not disloyal and traitorous principles and
assertions, as the archbishop did allege, but, according as I
was helped, I preached "repentance towards God, and faith
towards Jesus Christ," and no other thing than what was
contained in the Prophets and the New Testament: that I
was so far from being terrified or ashamed to own that I was
a minister of Christ, that although I was of no despicable
extraction, yet that I gloried most in, and counted it the
greatest honour I ever attained, to "serve God in the Gospel
of His Son :" that I never preached nor stirred up the people
to sedition, and was indifferent though the principles of my
heart were as visible and perceptible to their Lordships as
the external lineaments and tracts of my face, so as they
might read what was engraven upon my heart : that for
rising up in arms against the king upon pretext or pretence
of religion, which the archbishop alleged I maintained, I
told him he was therein abused by his inferiors; for I
never knew of any, even the most zealous asserters of the
liberties of the people, that did maintain rising in arms upon
pretence of religion, pretences giving no ground or warrant

18

274 Memoirs of the

for any man's action : that matters of prerogative and
privileges were things of a ticklish and thorny nature, and
of which for the present I desired not to give my thoughts,
not judging the same within my sphere now, nor called to
meddle with: that, for such as did ordain me, I was not free
to tell them, lest thereby I should bring others to trouble,
although I should be most free as to matters concerning
myself: that as I judged it not unlawful to preach the Gospel
either in houses or fields as conveniency did offer, but duty,
and an ordinance of Christ's (so far was I from judging those
meetings "rendezvouses of rebellion," as the archbishop
termed them), so did I not acknowledge I at any time did
preach in the fields; and if they thirsted after my life, to
take it away upon that account, they could not expect I
should give or reach the weapon wherewith to destroy myself,
or that I should be either witness or accuser against myself
in a matter the law had made so criminal; and, therefore,
for them to seek their proof and evidence elsewhere than
from myself, for I was resolved none living should be able
to make me guilty of such a weakness: that as for corre-
spondence with any in the Bass, which the archbishop
alleged, I declared, that notwithstanding the bishop's bold
and confident asserting the contrary, there was no such
thing; and, if there were, I should be content to suffer the
severest punishments: I denied the charge of schism, and
left it to be proven by the bishop: that for my intercom-
muning, I was then sevenscore miles off when it was passed,
and knew not of it, till I saw my name in the printed papers,
and so could not prevent it; and, after I was intercommuned,
I could not get any person that would so much as draw a
petition up for me, being strictly charged to the contrary;
and that from this, and fear of futher prejudice, and not
from the contempt of the law, it was that I did not move to
have myself taken out of the letters of intercommuning. In
this and in all the premises I was free and ingenuous with
them; that I came not to justify my breeding before their
Lordships, for I acknowledged I was a rude man (for one of

Rev. James Fiaser of Brea. 275

the Lords challenged me of unmannerliness and ill-breeding,
that gave not the archbishop his titles.) And, finally, That
I was now in their Lordships' power, and ready to submit
to whatsoever their Lordships should determine concern-
ing me.

After this I was remanded to prison again, but ordered
to be kept more straitly than formerly: for my pockets were
searched for letters, knives; ink, paper, and pen, were taken
and kept from me; all company discharged: which filled
me with some melancholy apprehensions. But in my dark-
ness was the Lord a light round about me; Him they could
not shut out from me: for that night did I get a most kindly
and comfortable visit from the Lord Jesus, and I had one
of the most sweet nights I had for ten years before that;
and lifted up, by the sense of the Lord's love and favour,
above death, sin, hell, wrath, prelates, and Papists, about
one or two o'clock in the morning I fell in a sound sleep,
until a little before six o'clock, I was awakened by one of
the jailors, who cried to me to make myself ready against
six o'clock to go to the Bass, for so the council had deter-
mined: which I very cheerfully obeyed; and so, with another
person that was prisoner with me, was I by a guard of twelve
horse and thirty foot convoyed to the Bass, where wre safely
landed upon Wednesday morning (being one night by the
way), and were delivered to the custody of the officer of that
place, who commanded as governor therein a garrison of
some eighteen or twenty soldiers.

The Bass is a very high rock in the sea, two miles
I drstant from the nearest point of the land which is south
'of it; covered it is with grass on the uppermost parts
thereof, where is a garden where herbs grow, with some
cherry trees, of the fruit of which I several times tasted.
Below which garden there is a chapel for divine service;
but in regard no minister was allowed for it, the ammuni-
tion of the garrison was kept therein. Landing here is
very difficult and dangerous, for, if any storm blow, ye
cannot enter because of the violence of the swelling 'waves,

276 Memoirs of the

which beat with a wonderful noise upon the rock, and
sometimes in such a violent manner, that the broken waves,
reverberating on the rock with a mighty force, have come
up over the walls of the garrison on the court before the
prisoners' chambers, which is above twenty cubits height:
and with a full sea must you land: or, if it be ebb, you
must be either cranned up, or climb with hands and feet
up some steps artificially made on the rock, and must have
help besides of those who are on the top ot the rock, who
pull you up by the hand. Nor is there any place of landing
but one about the whole rock, which is of circumference
some three quarters of a mile: here you may land in a fair
day and full sea without great hazard, the rest of it on every
side being so high and steep. Only, on the south side
thereof the rock falls a little level, where you ascend several
steps till you come to the governor's house, and from that
some steps higher you ascend to a level court, where a
house for prisoners and soldiers is; whence likewise, by
windings cut out of the rock, there is a path leading you
to the top of the rock, whose height doth bear off all north,
east, and west storms, lying open only to the south: and
on the uppermost parts of the rock their is grass sufficient
to feed twenty or twenty-four sheep, which are there very
fat and good. In these uppermost parts of the rock were
sundry walks of some threescore foot length, and some very
solitary, where we sometimes entertained ourselves. The
accessible places were defended with several walls and
cannon placed on them, which compassed only the south
parts. The rest of the rock, is defended by nature, by the
huge height and steepness of the rock, being some forty
cubits high in the lowest place. It was a part of a country
gentleman's inheritance, which falling from hand to hand
and changing many masters, it was at last bought by the
king, who repaired the old houses and walls, and built
some new houses for prisoners; and a garrison of twenty
or twenty-four soldiers therein are sufficient, if courageous,
to defend it from millions of men, and only expugnable by

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 277

hunger. It is commanded by a lieutenant, who does reap
thereby some considerable profit, which, besides his pay,
may be one hundred pounds a year and better. There is
no fountain-water therein, and they are only served with
rain that falls out of the clouds, and is preserved in some
hollow caverns digged out of the rock. Their drink and
provisions are carried from the other side by a boat, which
only waits on the garrison, and hath a salary of six pounds
yearly for keeping up the same, besides what they get of
those persons that come either to see the prisoners, or are
curious to see the garrison. Here fowls of several sorts are
to be found, which build in the clefts of the rock, the most
considerable of which is the Solan-goose, whose young,
well fledged, ready to fly, are taken, and so yield near
one hundred pounds yearly, and might be much more were
they carefully improved.

To this melancholy place I came, and continued there
in prison for two years and a half; for I came in January
1677, and came out in July 1679. And here I had likewise
experience of the goodness of God towards me; and (1),
In providing for me, without being chargeable to any for
such things as I stood in need of. (2) In preserving and
supporting me under great pressures of spirit from sin,
sufferings, tentations, griefs, sorrows, and untenderness of
brethren and friends so as I was not therewith overwhelmed.
(3) In preserving me in health all that time. (4) That in
this time, partly by selling household-plenishing and improv-
ing of my estate, I paid and cleared one hundred pounds of
debts. (5) I had the comfort and edification of fellow-
prisoners, both ministers and others, some there before me,
and others brought in since my coming, whose company
was sweet and edifying many times to me. (6) We had
liberty, for the most part, of taking the air up the hill; my
solitary walks were sometimes very pleasant to me. (7) I
had the comfort of friends that came in kindness to see us
from the city and country. (8) I had some special visits
from God, ordinarily in private duties, and sometimes iri

278 Memoirs of the

worshipping and conference with others. (9) Some increase
(I think) I found in gifts, knowledge, and grace; some
further discoveries of the knowledge of Christ and the
Gospel I never had before, (to) I was made some way
useful by writing of letters abroad, praying with, and preach-
ing to, and conference with others. (11) And that I had a
cleanly unexpected deliverance from this sad place. (12)
Some improvement I made of this price that was put in
my hand through grace that helped me: this I think I was
bound to take notice of, and be thankful for to the Lord.

As for my exercises here, and improvement of my time;
I judged, when I first came here, that I was called to some
work and improvement of this price put in my hand: and
therefore did I (1), Exercise myself in lamenting my sins,
and misspent life, and great shortcoming. (2) I laboured
after, and desired some further knowledge of God and Christ
and grace, and to glorify God in my sufferings. Some hours,
morning and evening and mid-day, I spent in meditation, in
praising, in reading the Scripture, for keeping up and in-
creasing communion with God, and increase of grace, and
this constantly; besides several fast-days, which were my
sweetest seasons and best times. (4) Every day I read the
Scriptures, exhorted and taught therefrom, did sing Psalms,
and prayed with such of our society as our masters did allow
and permit to worship God together, and this two times a
day. (5) I studied Hebrew and Greek, and gained some
knowledge in these Oriental languages. (6) I likewise read
some divinity, and wrote a Treatise of Faith, with some
other miscellanies, and several letters to Christian friends
and relations. Thus I spent my time, and not without
some fruit.

But prisons must be prisons, and all afflictions, though
never so well sweetened, will be in some measure grievous.
Though the Lord was pleased to "stay his rough wind in
the day of his east wind," and to put a very light yoke upon
our necks; yet was it still a yoke, and some bitter ingredients
were mixed in this cup, something of the gall and vinegar

Rev. James Fraser of Brca. 279

we found, both that the Lord might discover and manifest
to the world the cruel and unclean nature of the spirit of
prelacy, and that our patience and faith might be the better
exercised, and our faithfulness to Christ, and, finally, to
wean us from the world, and sweeten to us the love of God
in supporting under such troubles and delivering us out of
them. For (1), It could not be but sad to me and my
brethren to think that we were cast out of the vineyard, and
become useless, our commission taken from us, and could
not glorify God as we had done. (2) Absence from natural
and civil relations and friends was bitter, whose company
was sweet, and which now we could not enjoy. Now we
might say, "Lover and friend hast thou removed from us,"
Psalm lxxxviii. ult. (3) The company of the ungodly, to
whose hands we were delivered, and who ruled over us, who
knew nothing of God, but were enemies to Him, was
grievous; that we lived among lions, wolves, and serpents,
and dwelt in the tents of Kedar. (4) It was then the
"days of old, when the candle of God shined upon our
tabernacle, when my wife, children, and relations were
about me; when I went with the multitude that kept' holy
days:" then (I say) did these things of old come and assault
my remembrance with a sensible affecting grief. (5) Our
own servants were turned out from us, and we made to seek
servants whom we knew not; but this turned to our good
and great advantage. (6) The great comfort that we had in
worshipping of God together, and in eating together, was
taken away from us by the folly and fears of some, and
envy and malice of others, who grudged us this comfort,
and who ruled us, and made us separate in worship and
diet, and would not suffer us to come together, whereby our
expenses were much increased, and we deprived of the
benefit of the variety of gifts. (7) Our letters that came to
us, or were sent by us, were all looked many times, though
they had no orders for it. (8) Our drink was dear and
exceeding bad, and we behoved to take it from our gover-
nors, and pay exorbitantly for it. (9) Sometimes, when

280 Memoirs of the

they would take it in their heads, they would shut us all
close up, and not suffer any of us to speak to another, and
this not only without, but contrary to the council's orders,
who committed us free prisoners, and to have the liberty of
the rock. This unwarranted restraint did sometimes afflict
us, but our patience overcame it. (10) They vexed us by
mixing in our company, and there blaspheming sometimes-
and other times seeking to ensnare us by the words of our
lips, and tabling discourse of public matters, which, seeing
their malicious ends, we shunned, (n) They laboured to
debauch our servant-maids, the governor's son offering ten
shillings to a soldier if he could get such a person with
child who served some of us, of purpose to reflect upon us,
and which he effected, and was thereupon by the soldier
challenged for his promise; insomuch that we could hardly
get a servant-maid to wait upon us. (12) They by force and
power kept the poor soldiers and others from conversing
with or hearing us on the Lord's day, although the poor
creatures would gladly have heard us. (13) At the same
time, likewise, I was very untenderly handled by some false
brethren engaged in the same public cause with ourselves.
(14) We were sometimes in winter and spring very hardly
put to it for want of victuals and drink, insomuch that we
had no other than snow water or corrupted water sprinkled
over with a little oatmeal to drink, and some dry fish.
These with other things made our lives something, and at
some times, bitter to us.

We continued thus some of us two years and a half.
While the archbishop lived, no intermission or mediation
of friends could get me out, although several means were
tried, which all proved ineffectual, the council not accepting
the engagements I would give, wrhich were no other than
compearing when called; and I refusing their terms, which
were, that I should not preach in the fields any more, and
that I should live peaceable and orderly according to law.
Yet the Lord was pleased to answer my mind in some
measure, that I should come out and be delivered, and

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 281

that by giving great liberty and freedom to pray for it, and,
assuring and filling my soul with the hopes and faith of it
although for a great while I could not pray for my deliver-
ance. At another time the Lord was pleased to renew my
commission to preach the Gospel, even a year before I was
delivered, which made mc think and write to my friends
that I should be delivered. And, lastly, I was made (from
Jonah ii. ult., "And God spake to the fish, and it vomited
Jonah on the dry land") to believe that the Lord would
speak to this rock to give me with others of my brethren
up; and, accordingly, when the fulness of the time came,
I was delivered, even then when we all judged it most
desperate; "at evening it was light." For after the un-
happy, rash, and unadvised attempts at Both well of some
well-meaning people for recovering of their liberties, and
shaking off the yoke of prelacy, and that our strength was
broken and gone, such of us as were prisoners expecting
every day when we should be brought out to be a sacrifice
to the fury they were then in ; behold, at that time did the
Lord incline the heart of the king (out of what design we
cannot certainly tell) to grant an Indulgence, and withal to
command and order that such prisoners as were not in
accession to the late rebellion should be set at liberty, or
who were sentenced merely for nonconformity. Upon
which we were taken out of the Bass, and carried, to the
number of eight or nine of us, to the Tolbooth of Edin-
burgh; for though the king's orders did require we should
be freely set at liberty, yet would not the council let us
go until we gave security to appear when called, under the
penalty of five hundred and sixty pounds. There were
about fourteen of us prisoners at the time, and in twenty-
four hours' space we found security for eight hundred
pounds; for we would not give obligement not to rise in
arms, nor to forbear field-meetings, because we saw no law
for it, and because it was conceived by us dishonourable,
and to reflect upon our ministry. Forth we came, and
were set at liberty, to the joy of our friends; and, while

282 Memoirs of the

at liberty, I preached once every Lord's day, lived a
wandering unsettled life. Whatever family I came to, I
laboured to be something useful there. I looked to my
affairs, paid two thousand merks of debts at that time,
and so continued until November 1681, that I with my
cautioners were cited to appear before the council for
preaching, as afterwards ye shall hear.

SECTION IV.

Of my second imprisonment in Edinburgh and Blackness.

Now begun persecution to increase and wax hot against
Dissenters; some ministers were taken and sent to the
Bass; the liberty the king had given for preaching, partly
because it was not universally accepted but by some con-
temned, and partly by the prelates' persuasion, was recalled
by the king. And when they had gotten us to forbear
meetings in fields in hope of liberty to meet in houses,
the king, who gave his indulgence but during pleasure re-
called and discharged his grant, and ordained the execution
of the laws against Dissenters; and we, being out of the
road of field-meetings, could never fall into it again. But
though we did forbear field-conventicles, when once they
had got us from that, they drove us from house-conventicles
too. The Duke of York, being then in Scotland, did much
concur with the prelates against Dissenters, so that never
one of us that ever appeared had any favour shown to us;
and Dissenters were as much put to it as ever. Being
South, as I returned I preached in a barn, to a good
number of people on a Lord's day. The council got word
of this, and it was informed against me that I preached in
the fields, so that orders were given to cite me and my
surety both to appear before the council; but being in-
formed better, and perceiving it was only a house-con-
venticle, their citation slept, and only spoke to my cautioner
who was there, and who, short while thereafter, coming

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 283

North, found me lying sick of an ague; and told me how-
matters went, and that he was purposed to write to the
Bishop of Edinburgh and the Lord Advocate concerning
my case, and that I was very sick : which I earnestly
dissuaded him from; for, I said, If the prelates hear I
am sick, they will certainly cause cite me, in hopes that
either I cannot appear, being sick, and so fall in the for-
feiture of my bond of five hundred and sixty pounds,
which they would gladly be in hands with; or if I would
appear, I might thereby endanger my life. This, indeed,
I thought; but my surety would not be counselled by
me, but acquainted the bishop of my sickness, and that I
preached not in the fields. The bishop no sooner received
this letter, and by which he understood of my sickness,
but incontinently he revives the citation, his brother being
clerk to the council. Some prejudice they had at my
surety, a gentleman of good estate, and who was judged
something whiggish; for he had been engaged in one
thousand seven hundred pounds sterling for nonconformist
ministers, and besides was of a name very odious to some
great men. They thought (as was supposed) I wrould not
appear, being sick, and the day of my appearance in the
very dead time of winter, the twenty-second of December,
upon which they would cause my surety forfeit his bond.
A citation was directed North, of which we heard word
about the beginning of November, and did think fit to
prevent the same. Many of my friends counselled me
rather to forfeit the money than to go, for both they and
myself had some apprehensions that the council intended
to have my life; for it was a time wherein the council was
in a very bad humour, and at the very same time had found
Lord Argyll guilty of treason for that which truly to us, that
knew not the law, seemed to have no affinity therewith, and
to some of the chief lawyers of note likewise. Moreover,
I knew that preaching in the fields was death by the law
to the minister; and that the law declared, That if any
person stood without to hear, though the minister and body

284 Memoirs of the

of the people were within doors, that such a meeting was a
field-meeting; and it was impossible for me to hinder or
know when persons were without, and I thought it hard to
shut doors upon them, and had not freedom to do it. And
besides all this, I was informed some notes of my sermon
were in the council's hands, and thereupon intended to
stage me and process me criminally; and I knew not what
they might make of popular discourses, though never so
honestly meant. All these things made myself and friends
have some fear of the danger of my life; but notwithstand-
ing, getting my head above the fear of death and power of
men, I resolved upon all hazards, and to venture to appear;
and I was much encouraged in this by my sudden and un-
expected recovery (and that without any means) of an ague
that I kept but six weeks in all. I not only recovered, but
was so strengthened, that I durst undertake a journey of
such a length and so bad way in the midst of winter; and
truly I found the Lord so gracious, that though I had been
sick short while before, and that the weather was very bad,
yet was I kept from any prejudice, and came the day before
that of my appearance to Edinburgh in good health, and
my surety with me. And the day of my appearance
happened to be the next day or second after the Earl of
Argyll's escape, which did much put them in a bad humour.
The council was surprised (as it seemed to me) when I
appeared: and after some astonishment and silence, an
indictment was commanded to be read against me, charging
me with preaching in the fields and without authority, and
finally charging me with venting of principles that were
pernicious, seditious, and rebellious, and tending to alienate
the minds of his Majesty's subjects from his government,
and therefore ought to be severely punished to the terror
of others. The advocate for the king did refer all to my
oath. And being commanded by the President to depone
whether I had preached any in houses or in fields since I
came from the Bass; and a few days respite to answer to the
indictment, which I humbly and earnestly sought, in regard

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 285

that I had a tedious long journey, bad weather, long sick-
ness before, and my spirit disordered, that I could not give
so satisfying an answer as otherwise I would, and that I had
come but yesterday to town, and had not time to consider
the indictment (having never seen the same nor heard it till
it was read); I say, this respite being denied, I told them
that I was ready to swear that I was innocent of what I was
charged with in the indictment, and therefore desired I might
have liberty to speak for myself, which was granted. Then
did I discourse to them, a large half-hour (without being
interrupted) in answer to what I was charged with. My
design in this was to prevent the torment of their questions,
and likewise to state the true grounds of our sufferings, and
vindicate myself and others of the imputations laid upon
us by our enemies. The sum of what I said was: After
hearty and humble thanks returned for the liberty of speak-
ing for myself, I protested. That I endeavoured to discharge
what I conceived my duty with as little offence to authority
as I could; and that, were the things I was called in question
about such as I could come and go upon, relating only to
my own person or interest in the world, I should be loath to
be heard with their Lordships, but refer myself and these
things wholly to their disposal: That I should be short,
ingenuous, and clear, in my answer for myself: That to the
first and second head of preaching without authority and
in the fields, I had acknowledged I had preached, and was
neither ashamed or terrified to own this ; but that I preached
not in the fields since I came out of the Bass, nor yet with-
out authority, seeing I was called by God and such of His
servants as I verily did believe had power from Christ for
that effect; and, therefore, was the first part of my indict-
ment elided and answered: That as to my preaching sedi-
tious principles, I might, with a good conscience, deny it;
and because that both myself and others were slandered
and defamed as persons of disloyal and anti-magistratical
principles, I should therefore give an account of what
principles were maintained by myself and them, and what

286 Memoirs of the

my practices were: That as to doctrines, and dogmatical
points, and articles of religion, my faith was contained in,
and according to, the Scriptures of the" Old and New Testa-
ment; that I was of the reformed Protestant religion, and
did approve, and was ready to subscribe to that Confession
of Faith in King James his time, and ratified (I supposed)
by the present current Parliament: That as to the King's
Majesty's authority and power, I acknowledge magistracy
an ordinance of God, and the present King's authority,
whose subject and servant I was, and obliged to submit
to, reverence and esteem, whom, for anything relating to
my person or estate, I never was resolved to resist; but
how far his power extended, or in what subject it was first
placed, or how conveyed, I thought not so much my part
as that of lawyers to determine. For the king's power
in ecclesiastical matters, I acknowledged the persons of
ministers and other ecclesiastical persons subject to him;
and that he had a jurisdiction civil, reaching to not only
civil but likewise spiritual things, which he was to judge,
that so he might, as the nursing-father of the Church, either
encourage, or punish, or restrain in a coercive way, and that
not implicitly, relying on the judgment of, or seeing with
others' eyes; and that he might call synods when and where
he pleased, and propose his mind to them, whose duty it
not only was, but wisdom, to take the magistrate's concur-
rence when it might be had; but that it was undeniable
this power of the magistrate's was not privative of any
intrinsical power of the Church, granted to her by Christ,
for preserving and edifying of herself; which, therefore, in
case of the magistrate's opposition to the truth, or want of
access to him through distance of place or other casual
emergencies they might exercise without him, as was
clearly seen in the times of the Heathen, Arian, and Roman
emperors. That as to the government of the Church, it
was true that I did not close with that form of government
by archbishops and bishops now established in the king-
dom, and therefore could never concur with or submit to

Rev. fames Fraser of Brea. 287

the same any manner of way; but whatever my dissatisfac-
tion therewith was, or opposition thereto, I never opposed
it but with spiritual weapons. And as for my practice, I
can say, I have endeavoured to keep a good conscience,
both before God and men, to live unblameable and peace-
ably, giving "to God what was God's, and to Cesar what
was Cesar's;" was never in any insurrection, rebellion, or
conspiracy against his Majesty's person or goverment, nor
never stirred up others thereto, but rather to live peaceably,
and by repentance, reformation, testimony for God, quiet-
ness and confidence, and other spiritual means, to expect
deliverance; not by irritating of the rulers, to make their
bonds heavier, by taking the sword, and resisting by force;
and this both publicly in sermons and privately in dis-
courses. These, therefore, being our principles, which we
are not ashamed of, but ready to defend, it is a wonder to
me how I or any sober person of our way come to be
challenged for seditious principles and practices, or charged
with them. If these principles be innocent, then is the
second and great part of my libel, referred to my oath,
elided. And, finally, I prayed the Lord to bless his
Majesty with all His blessings, both spiritual and temporal;
that he might be a terror to evil-doers, an encouragement
to the good; that the throne might be established in
righteousness.

After this discourse, to which they hearkened very
patiently, I was asked, Whether I preached since I came out
of the Bass? To which I replied, I would answer to what
I was charged with in my libel or indictment, which was not
that I preached, but that I preached without authority, and
seditiously; which I did deny. They inquired me very
earnestly and pressingly, Who ordained me? I told them,
I could not be free to tell them, seeing it concerned others
whom I was not to stage; but that I had lawful and good
authority, and that their Lordships could not compel me
to answer to that matter: nor judged I myself bound to
answer thereto, because it was res hactenus judicata, for which

288 Memoirs of the

I was formerly questioned, and satisfied the law for; and,
therefore, could not now again be called in question for the
same fault. And, seeing that my commission to preach was
before the act of grace, any crime therein (if any was) was
by the act of grace purged: and, besides, the same not being
in my indictment, I was not bound to answer thereto. I
was removed; and after some debate among themselves (for
many of the counsellors wrere much taken with my discourse
and defence I made, and voted that I might be let go),
the matter being left to the bishops, I was called in, and
received the following sentence: To be sent to prison to
Blackness, and to continue there until I paid the fine of five
thousand merks, and give security not to preach any more,
or go off the kingdom. And my guard was ready to convey
me to be sent to the common jail of Edinburgh, and there
to remain.

Many of the bystanders (for there were multitudes there)
were surprised at the severity of the sentence; yea, some of
the privy council talked publicly, that I had met with hard
measure. Well, I came to the jail, and had a chamber the
best in the prison; the keeper and under-keepers of the
prison of Edinburgh were very discreet and civil; I had
abundance of visits every day from some good people and
persons of quality. When I first came, I examined my ways
and carriage, and found matter both of humiliation and
thanksgiving unto the Lord: I saw ground to bless God that
I vindicated the Lord's people from the aspersions cast upon
them of bad principles; I boldly and freely, to the conviction
of all, owned our principles; and I likewise desired not only
to speak for myself, but to honour God; I saw ground of
humiliation for many failings in me, which did confound me;
yet was glad if the Gospel did not receive prejudice by me.
I got little good done; for I ordinarily slept till seven in the
morning; and after supper, which was at eight o'clock, I was
drowsy; and all day over I was diverted with visits: yet I
got my speech written, and some letters, and preached twice
every Lord's day to the prisoners, and some few who were

Rev. Janus Fraser of Brea. 289

suffered to come in. Twice did I supplicate for my liberty
while I was in Edinburgh, but could not obtain it, because
of the bishops and the clerk of the council, the bishop's
brother, who wras my great enemy, though I never dis-
obliged him in my lifetime.

After I had continued six weeks in Edinburgh, I was
sent to Blackness, convoyed by four or five gentlemen of
the guard, where I continued seven weeks. Ignorance,
youth, and fear of man, made the governor of this place not
so discreet as otherwise he would be to me. For, first, he
kept me in a manner a close prisoner; another had still the
key of my chamber, though I could command him to come
and open it when I pleased, and which was not according to
the council's order. Next, he would be frequently drunk,
and then was guilty of some extravagancies; he likewise
kept back many of my friends from coming to see me,
which did pique me at him : and the first night he was so
indiscreet, as to put me into a gousty, cold, wide, dark,
filthy, smoky room, where I could not have lived six days,
if I had therein continued, for smoke, darkness, melancholy,
and cold, although at the same time he had better rooms:
but his lady, though a child not above fourteen years, and
another gentleman that came along with me, prevailed so
far with him as to change my room, and then was I very
well. Here I continued seven weeks, doing little good, but
longing and praying for deliverance out of that sad place,
which the Lord thus brought to pass. My brother-in-law,
unknown to me, presented a supplication to the council in
my behalf, desiring my fine might be remitted, myself
ordered to be set at liberty, some competent time allowed
me to settle my affairs in Scotland, seeing I was content to
submit to their Lordships' sentence of banishment. Which
supplication (the Duke of York and Bishop with his brother
being away and gone to England) was easily granted by the
council: an order was sent to the governor of Blackness
immediately to set me at liberty: a month was given me to
settle my affairs; whereupon I was much sooner than I

19

290 Memoirs of the

thought set at liberty, and at a time when I little thought
of it, and my liberty burdened with no clog or sinful
engagement by my cautioner, who only bound that I should
remove out of the kingdom (and not return without king
or council's leave) within such a day.

section v.

Of my Banishment.

I did not know anything of what my friends had done
for me, nor could blame them for what they had done.
The terms were honest upon which I was to come out;
liberty was desireable, though in a strange country, and pre-
ferable to imprisonment at home. I looked upon wicked
folk, though Scotsmen, as the greatest aliens, foreigners,
and strangers to me; a godly man in England or Ireland
is more my countryman than a wicked Scotsman. Besides,
by being at liberty, I should be in greater capacity to
glorify the Lord than under restraint, where I could not
see a godly person, nor be anywise useful save by a few
letters. And I saw much of the mercy of God, that with-
out paying a fine, or engaging to any sinful terms, the
council should have given orders for my liberation.

But notwithstanding of all this, when I thought upon
my case, banishment was grievous and burdensome to me:
shall I leave then (said I) my native country; shall I leave,
and never see mother, children, brethren, sisters, and kindly
friends and relations, and spend the residue of my days
among strangers, to whom I will be as a barbarian? What
care will they take of me? how shall I be maintained?
Will any little thing, that after payment of debts my estate
can spare, be sufficient for me to live upon in a place where
all things are at a dear rate? Truly all those considera-
tions, and such like, did make banishment no light thing
to bear, and wish that I never had come out of prison, and
in my heart to censure and think hardly of these who pro-

Rev. James Fiaser of Brea. 291

cured me my liberty; yea, such thoughts would for some
whole nights keep me waking.

But, addressing myself to the Lord, and pouring out my
troubled soul (as it was ordinary for me to do in such cases)
to the Lord, I found that this storm calmed; and the con-
sideration of God's providence over and propriety in all
places, experience of former favours, and especially that
word, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the
days of my life," did sweetly stay my heart. And being
made and called of God to wander from my fathers house,
and land of my nativity, to a land God would show me, I
laboured to fit myself for my journey, and to "take up my
cross:" and the Lord so blest my endeavours, as in a short
time I settled all my civil affairs, and was ready to come
away at the time prefixed.

So as, leaving Scotland and all friends there, I directed
my course for London about the latter end of May 1682;
and after some stops, and dangers by sea, I safely arrived
there June 16th 1682. My voyage was much alleviated,
by the company of another countryman who came alongst
with me, whose company was much satisfying to me. I
brought not above twenty pounds of silver and gold with
me to London, but the Lord I found was with me in all
places where I was driven; for I had both meat and wages.
I did resolve, indeed, as sensible of my own weakness, to
forbear preaching, and any public work; as likewise, to
settle myself after long and great tossings, to improve, in a
private abstract station, my spiritual condition. But God
did thwart this; for the more I endeavoured this way, the
worse I became: and likewise, at the same time, I had
calls to preach at several places, some of which I closed
with, and found more of spiritual good and advantage to
my soul than in private exercises. Wherefore I resolved to
follow that way, and did every night preach and pray in a
private family, where some five or six neighbours at night
did ordinarily resort; every Lord's day I preached to a
gathered church in fellowship with Mr C., from whom I

292 Memoirs of the

had ten shillings for every sermon; at other times I likewise
preached to others, but freely. And truly the Lord gave
me to find both great favour and respect from the English,
and more than many others did, and whom I found to be
as genteel, tender-hearted, and generous people as ever I
conversed with. Some of them I found very notional, and
much taken up with fancies, dreams, and singular opinions:
of these I found some favourable at the beginning; but
despairing to gain me to their opinion, and finding the
aversion of my heart to these fancies, they became my
enemies, and did labour to break my reputation as much
as they could. I lived the first seven months upon
my own charges for all things; but afterwards I had a
call from a widow-gentlewoman to stay in her family, to
pray and sometimes exhort and preach. From her I had
lodging and diet free, and in whose house I prayed,
read, and expounded Scripture twice a-day; and thus
continued till the 21st of July 1683, that I was appre-
hended, and imprisoned in Newgate for six months, for
refusing the Oxford oath.

SECTION VI.

Of my third imprisonment.

Upon the 20th or 21st July 1683, about the time that
a plot against the king's person and government was dis-
covered, and some three or four days after my Lord Russel's
execution; at ten o'clock I was expeding a certain business
with a gentleman in Cheapside, and one Mr A., one of the
king's messengers, searching for suspected persons in that
very house where I was, and particularly for one Mr Sands,
meeting me as I came down, and knowing me to be a
stranger, and suspecting me as some disaffected person,
did presently secure me by a constable, and brought me
to his own house, kept me a close prisoner some five or six
hours, and thereafter brought me before some of the

Rev. James Ftaser of Brea. 293

council: there were the king, the Duke of York, L.K., L.S.,
and some others I know not. After some frivolous im-
material questions relating to my nation, and when I came
here, where I lodged, and some others of that nature, I
was asked, What I knew or heard of a plot against his
majesty at any time? I replied, That I knew nothing of
a plot against his majesty's person or government, nor heard
anything but what was discovered since that plot did break
out, nor knew nor heard anything I could make them the
wiser by; that I was no public person, nor frequenter of
cabals or coffee-houses; that I know not any one person,
either accusers or accused, in that plot; that I always lived
peaceably, and was never accessory to any plot or insurrec-
tion that ever was; that in my judgment (which I declared)
I was against all violent attempts against his majesty or
government; and that it was not likely any who had such
designs, knowing my principles, would communicate ought
to me of it; yea, that I always shunned discourses of that
nature. Thereafter I was asked by his majesty, What I
judged of the Archbishop of St Andrew's murder, whether
I judged it so or not? I answered, That for myself I had
no accession thereto, but was very grieved when I heard
it; and I would not justify or have had any hand in it for
the whole world: so for me to condemn it as (and to
declare it) murder, was I not free; for being a doer of the
law only, and not a judge of the law, I conceived it as out
of my sphere to give judgment of another person's actions,
whether they were murderers or not: that this I confessed
belonged to his majesty and officers of justice, who were
judges of the law, but to me it did not; especially being a
stranger to the fact, and legal evidences of the nature,
manner, and circumstances of the same not being adduced,
it was hard for me or any person to give judgment one way
or other of the said fact. i\nd for my thoughts of it, that
God had appointed a solemn court at the last day for
judging of actionSj words> and thoughts, before, which
court alone it was competent (I thought) to give account

294 Memoirs of the

of thoughts; and, therefore, referring myself as to my
thoughts to that court only, I was not free to give account
to any human judicatory whatever of them; to whom yet
I heartily submitted in the expressions and actions to be
judged. And, finally, Though I was not afraid his majesty
knew what were my thoughts in the matter, yet would not
be a precedent to any of his subjects to be made to give
an account of thoughts judicially, especially relating to other
persons; and, therefore, to have me excused. Then the
king was pleased to ask me, Whether I judged myself bound
by the solemn league and covenant? and whether I thought
there was anything of moral obligation therein? I answered,
that for my part, I never took that covenant, nor was it ever
tendered to me; but what was of moral import in it, I
judged I was bound thereto, although I myself never took
it; and that, however, the words of the decalogue and the
covenant were not the same, yet might the covenant, be
reduced to it, as materially the same with the decalogue:
that I remembered two chief articles of the covenant, the
one was "reformation of our hearts and lives according to
the Word of God;'? and this I thought might be easily
reduced to every precept of the decalogue, each of which
tied us to reformation and repentance. Another article I
conceived to be in the covenant \\as, That we should "main-
tain and defend the king's just privileges, his person, and
government:" and this, as I judged, might easily be reduced
to the decalogue; so did I judge myself by the Word of
God, laws of the land, yea, and covenant itself, though
never taken by me personally, bound to. After this I was
asked some questions concerning my acquaintance with
several persons, as Mr Fergusson, the Cesnocks, Mr Munro,
Mr Baillie of Jerviswood, and others; to which I gave a
true, full, ingenuous answer, and was after commanded to
remove. What were their thoughts of me, I know not;
but it seems they were satisfied I was not in the plot, nor
could tell them ought of it, and that I dealt ingenuously
with them: and yet were not willing to let me go so, but

Rev. Jatnes Fraser of Brea. 295

referred me to the lord mayor, and ordered him to put the
oath of allegiance, supremacy, and Oxford oath to me.

The next day, therefore, I appeared before the lord
mayor, and was much grieved and troubled that my trials
should be stated on the oaths of allegiance and supremacy:
for I had neither clearness to take them both, especially the
oath of supremacy; nor yet was I so willing to suffer upon
the account of refusing them, as being a dark case to me.
But, when the messenger told me I was ordered to take the
three oaths, my heart was very glad, as being very clear to
suffer for refusing the Oxford oath; wherein a man is bound,
besides other things, not to endeavour to make any altera-
tion in the government either in state or church, which I
thought hard to swallow. Wherefore, when asked by my
lord mayor, whether I would take the said oaths, after I had
asked whether Queen Elizabeth's explication might be read
to me, and proposed some reasons why I conceived myself
not bound by law to take the said oaths, and overruled
therein ; at last my answers did issue in this, That as for the
oath of allegiance, I was willing to take it, so that it would
end the strife; for the oath of supremacy I demurred upon
it, until I advised better; and for the Oxford oath, I
simpliciter refused it presently: but, if I had not benefit by
the oath of allegiance, I would take none of them at all;
and in the meantime desired, if they committed me, to do
it upon refusing the Oxford oath: which carried by the Lord
mayor's indulgence, and Sir J. E., who spake in my favours
very much against the common Serjeant's mind, who pressed
much that I should be committed for refusing all the oaths.
So an order was drawn, and I sent to Newgate.

In Newgate I continued six 1 unary months, or twenty-
four weeks. Here I had experience of the Lord's goodness
and mercy, which did never leave me. I had, short while
after I came, one of the best rooms in the prison, in which
any person might lodge; a large, cleanly, lightsome, square
room it was, and off the ground as ye come in. The captain
and under-keepers were all very civil to us, carrying both

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wisely and discreetly. I kept my health very well all the
time I was there. We had comfortable fellowship with
fellow-prisoners, who might see one another all day; some I
perceived notional, unlearned, yet obstinate. I stood at the
greatest distance with free-willers; but such as I had greatest
converse with were those of our own persuasion, who were
truly the most sober and learned that were there. In general,
I found all of them civil. We were abundantly refreshed
and supplied by numbers of all ranks and persuasions (save
Quakers) that came in to see us. We wanted nothing. So
that I could hardly call it suffering. Only this was sad to
us, and which made me desirous to be gone and at liberty,
that (1), We had no occasion of doing good to others, for
we preached none while there; for we were not suffered, nor
others to come in to us. (2) It was grievous to me especially,
that I had no occasions nor opportunities for retirement;
for having a chamber-fellow with me, and all day oppressed
with visitants, I could not in the twenty-four hours com-
mand one for myself. Wherefore I did little or no good
here, and got as little; only I gave my testimony for Christ,
and had experience of the Lord's goodness. When the
number of my weeks were fulfilled, I was without further
work put at liberty, the turnkey getting word only from the
captain to set me at liberty, and let me out when I pleased.
So taking my leave of the captain, and thanking him for his
civilities, I came out; my expenses in all not reaching above
twenty pounds.

SECTION VII.

Observations upon my sufferings.

(1) That such as will live godly in the world must and
will suffer persecution, for the trial and exercise of their
faith and patience, purging away of their dross, and for
weaning their hearts from a present world, and for con-
firmation of the truth, 2 Tim. iii. 12; 1 Pet. iv. 12; John

Rev. /times Fraser of Brea. 297

xv. 3. (2) Although at some times there will be more or
less of persecution, yet there is no time in which the saints
shall be without daily crosses; for a wicked world will
persecute with the tongue, even in Abraham's family where
piety did obtain, Gal. iv. 28, 29; Gen. xxi. 9. Even when
religion was favoured, I found persecution by reproach, and
contempt of wicked men. (3) There are some special days
of persecution, when hell breaks loose, and when great trials
come, which are called "the hour of tentation/' and "the
evil day, the hour and power of darkness," Rev. iii. 10;
Eph. vi. 13; Luke viii. 13, 22, 25. (4) The Lord "stayeth
His rough wind in the day of His east wind," Isa. xxvii. 8.
He many times puts an end to the extremities of His
people's personal trials ere He exercises with public suffer-
ings; He "lays not on men more than is meet," and
therefore suffers not a multitude of evils to lie upon His
poor people at once, 1 Cor. x. 10. (5) God first (I find)
ordinarily exercises with personal afflictions, ere He call
them to sufferings on account of Christ, that, being exercised
with the one, they may better bear the other. (6) I find
that the Lord doth many times affright us with troubles
which never come upon us, as He did to Nineveh; and we
are made to fear that which the mercy of God never suffers
to touch us, Jonah i. 3. (7) But seldom or never doth
a great personal or public stroke come upon the Lord's
people, but He gives them some warning, and notice of
it beforehand, that we be not surprised, but prepared for it,
Zeph. ii. 1, 2, 3, 4. (8) Obstinacy in sin and impenitency,
and the removing of God's precious people, with security
under this, have had greatest influence upon my fears of a
day of desolation, Isa. lvii. 12; Ezek. xi. 3, 4; Isa. ix. 4, 5.
(9) Our fears, unbeliefs, and discouragements, with our
confusions, are our greatest troubles in a day of trouble;
it is a prison within a prison, Psal. cxlii., "O bring my soul
out of trouble." Our galled sore backs make our burdens
more grievous to us — sin and unbelief are bad ballast in a
storm. (10) The cross of Christ, when we once engage

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with it, is nothing so terrible, is nothing so heavy as at a
distance in apprehension it is. How dreadful did a prison
and appearing before synagogues appear to me! But, when
I did encounter therewith, I found it nothing so terrible to
me. (11) I was never in that trouble yet upon the account
of Christ, but I was delivered out of it by the Lord, and
that when it seemed very desperate to look for salvation,
Psal. xxxiv. 19, "The troubles of the righteous are many,
but the Lord delivereth out of them all." We are to believe
deliverance from all our troubles, though we cannot tell when
or how. (12) Nothing contributes more to a Christian
carriage under trouble, than faith of God's support in and
deliverance out of trouble, James v. 7, 8. Unbelief sinks
the heart. (13) It is matter of great humiliation to us, that
our troubles and afflictions do us but little good sometimes,
that we are so unfruitful under the rod: and especially
I observe, that small troubles have but small influence;
every physic doth not work with strong constitutions. My
lighter troubles, whether upon a personal or more public
account, I found but little good by them. It was a deep
heart-reaching stroke that did me good: and in times of
greatest fears, sharpest afflictions, it was ever still best with
me; and at first afflictions do not so much good, it is after-
wards that they reap "the peaceable fruits of righteousness,"
Heb. xii. And, even when the Lord blesses them to do
good, the fruit, alas! is but small; we are not so good
under them as we ought to be or might. (14) I have
observed, the more the Lord's people are afflicted and
persecuted, the more they grow; and the Gospel never
thrives better than when it is persecuted, Exod. i. 12; Phil,
i. 12. Such things as happened to me have been "for the
furtherance of the Gospel." All the malice of men could
never have broken us, if we had not undone ourselves;
they "plowed with our heifer:" for the spreading of the
Gospel was the effect of a long time of their greatest
severities. (15) Persecutors are ungodly, are cruel, are
deceitful; and this did I see evidently, all persecutors have

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 299

these three properties : and therefore let us beware of such
persons, and keep at the utmost distance with them, and
expect no good from them; let us not lean on them who
smite us; let us suspect all their favours, for "the kisses of
an enemy are deceitful;" but let "our eyes be only to the
Lord." (16) Too great love, respect to, intimacy and com-
munion with wicked men, and not standing at due distance
with them, provokes the Lord to give His people into the
hands of the wicked. The Israelites' wicked confederacy
with the Canaanites made them "briers and thorns in their
sides;" had we carried to the ungodly as we ought to have
done, we should not have smarted as we do this day. (17)
It is a very great comfort to a godly person, that his
persecutors and enemies are God's enemies, and wicked
persons: "Let my enemies be as the wicked," saith Job.
We may expect good hearing from God against them. It doth
much likewise to determine us in our duties, that what they
are for must be ill, and what they are against must be good :
and, notwithstanding of the confidence of some compilers,
it is strange that in almost six thousand years one instance
from Scripture or authentic history cannot be given. (18)
Under public sufferings we are mostly called to submission
and patience, both in reference to God and men: "In
patience possess your souls;" and to Christian cheerfulness.
Oh, what a comely thing is it to see a meek sufferer, like
the Master, "not opening His mouth," but "dumb as a
sheep is before the shearer!" And how ordinarily do men
fall in this great sin of impatience? And cheerfulness
under the cross of Christ is no less beautiful; and, there-
fore, how frequent such precepts and examples, to "glory,
rejoice in tribulation?" for this gives a good report of
Christ, His cause and cross to others. (19) Sufferings on
public accounts are not only our duty, but our great privi-
ledge; to suffer for Christ is one of Christ's love-gifts, Phil,
i. ult., "It is given you to suffer for the name of Christ."
To give testimony for Christ and His truth is our greatest
honour. A sufferer and witness for Christ is the most

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honourable person and officer in the kingdom of Christ;
it is Christ's highest and honourahlest employment, Acts v.,
"They rejoiced they were counted worthy to suffer shame
for Christ." (20) Reproach and shame, and ill-will of men,
is the heaviest of Christ's crosses to bear: "Reproach hath
broken my heart,'' saith David. (21) It is the great guilt
of professors this day, that they not only shun the ways of
God, but are ashamed of them, and of the cross of Christ,
yea, and of the truths of Christ; of such will Christ be
ashamed. (22) It is a very hard matter to get our suffer-
ings stated upon Christ's account, but yet it is very necessary
we get it done; for many objections doth a poor suffering
soul meet with in this case, as possibly not so clear to many
as the matter of the sufferings of Christians under Heathens,
and of Protestants under Papists. Nor is the call to such
a thing clear at such a time; some sinful accession of our
own (through want of consideration or mistake) to our
trouble, sense of guilt and unworthiness, doth render our
cause dark to us many times. That as it was said of these,
"Ye did not fast to Me," so may it be said of us, Ye
suffer not to Me, nor for Me, but for your sins and
yourselves. (23) Outward trouble from the hands of
persecutors may be both a rod and correction for sin,
and a testimony for Christ and His truth. The Lord
Jesus may by one rod design both the correction and
chastisement of His Church and people, and likewise
design a confirmation and witness to His truth, cause,
and work. Heb. xii. 12, the public sufferings of the
believing Hebrews were "chastisements for our profit.''
(24) We by our sins, therefore, may provoke the Lord to
deliver us into the hands of men, and by our weakness we
may have some sinful hand and occasion thereto, and great
failings attending our sufferings; and yet Christ accept of
our sufferings, so maimed as a testimony for Him. (25)
Whatever pretext wicked persecutors make of afflicting
God's people, and that they be schismatic, scandalous,
seditious, that they walk disorderly; yet the true ground

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 301

of their quarrel is because of their enmity to God and
godliness; and, therefore, we may be assured we suffer for
Christ and for His cause: "All these things will they do
unto you, because the love of the Father is not in them."
And David saith, that all his enemies' quarrel with him was,
"because he followed after that which was good." It is the
enmity that is between the seed of the serpent and the seed
of the woman, Gen. iii. 15; Matth. xxrii. 33; John xv. 19,
21. (26) I observe, that the Lord doth accept of the faith-
ful ends and endeavours, and honest intention and zeal of
His people, when the methods and particular means and
courses they take for witnessing for Christ are sometimes
not altogether justifiable; as he who scruples through want
of light an oath in itself lawful, out of zeal for the glory of
God which he fears by taking this oath he wrongs, and
thereupon suffers, this man's sufferings are accepted of
Christ as a testimony for Him. (27) The controversy this
day is as manifestly stated betwixt Christ and the devil, sin
and godliness, whether the world should be Christ's sub-
jects, or the devil's and sin's subjects, as ever it was. The
smaller differences, though in themselves of no great conse-
quence, yet centre in this great gulf of rebellion against
God. To touch anything belonging to this wicked genera-
tion, Christ's stated enemies, or to have ought ado with
them, is dangerous, Numb. xvi. 26; and they are the
emissaries of Satan, and doing his work, who plead for
union and compliance with them. (28) Yet ought not the
miscarriages of superiors dissolve the civil or natural bonds
of relation to them, Matth. xxiii. 1, 2. We are to do, and
be submissive to, the commands of superiors, though we be
not to imitate their practice. (29) Man's wrath, and all
persecution, shall tend and work to the praise of God and
the good of saints, Psal. lxxvi. 10; Isa. xxxi. 9, and this is
a marvellous consolation. (30) Many a time may we, in a
public stroke of persecution, see our sin and guilt clearly
and legibly written, as in Adonibezek, Judges i. ; Gen. xix.
Such as burned with unnatural lust to one another are justly

302 Memoirs of the

consumed with fire from heaven: and it is just that lovers,
whom we preferred to Christ, be the instruments of our
greatest trouble. (31) Many times do the people of God
find great favour and kindness at the hands of natural men,
yea, and more sometimes than from the truly godly: the
earth helped the woman many times. I found some pro-
fessors of religion stood at greater distance with me, than
did mere natural and graceless persons. (32) The preserva-
tion of some, of a remnant in a day of straits, is exceeding
wonderful and marvellous sometimes. (33) "The wicked
are snared in the work of their own hands," Psal. ix., and
Hamans hanged on their own gallows. The Lord makes
the weapons of the wicked recoil on themselves; every
mean for a good while they take in hand doth but weaken
them, and increase the other party. (34) It is the people
of God that only can undo and harm themselves; and it
is by division that it is done: while we stood in one spirit,
we could not be overcome or prevailed against; but false
brethren crept in amongst us, divided and broke us through
the subtilty of adversaries, and did draw us to rash enter-
prises. (35) The greatest consolations do attend the
greatest tribulations, 2 Cor. i. 5, 6. (36) The first brunt of
the cross is saddest and sharpest: "No affliction for the
present seemeth joyous, but grievous." (37) Great outward
troubles, whether personal or on public accounts, quicken
and revive our apprehensions of eternity. (38) And always
do us good; though not alike good to all, nor so sensibly,
yet no cross but we get some good of it. (39) I found it
very hard to appear before councils, and carry rightly. We
seek rather to save ourselves in any lawful way, than to
honour and give testimony for Christ; and there is not
boldness and dependence on Christ for assistance. (40)
There is not so much of the "Spirit of glory resting upon"
sufferers as hath been formerly: which I think flows from
these three: (1) That our testimony for Christ is not so
glorious; (2) That a sadder shock is coming; and, lastly,
That our sufferings are so moderate. (41) Yet, blessed be

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 303

the Lord, for my part I have found the Lord in a special
way with me in all my sufferings, and I never repent of
anything I have suffered for Christ. (42) Though the Lord
can sanctify and bless any lot to His people, yet, to speak
absolutely, an afflicted condition in the world is best for
God's people. (43) The infinite condescendence of God
and His gracious and tender nature, is that only which can
be a bottom to our faith; to believe we suffer for Christ,
and as such to be accepted and looked upon by Him.
(44) There is a large allowance for sufferers for righteous-
ness; but many live not upon their allowance, and therefore
look so ill upon it.

MELVEN BROTHERS, PRINTERS. INVERNESS.