THE
MIKADO
W.S.GILBERT
THE MIKADO
Uniform edition. With Special Decorated Cover,
and % full-page Colour-Plates by W. RUSSELL
FLINT. Price 3^. 6d. net each.
IOLANTHE
THE MIKADO
PATIENCE
THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE
OTHERS TO FOLLOW
OPENING SCENE OF ACT II
(p. 27)
THE GEORGE E. LASK COLLECTION
THE MIKADO
OR
THE TOWN OF TITIPU
BY
W. S. GILBERT
WITH COLOURED ILLUSTRATIONS BY
W. RUSSELL FLINT
LONDON
G. BELL AND SONS, LTD,
191 1
CHISWJCK PRESS: CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND CO
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE, LONDON.
LIST OF COLOUR PLATES
TO FACE
PAGE
OPENING SCENE OF ACT II (P. 27) Frontispiece
"THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL! " . .12
" TO FLIRT IS ILLEGAL, AND WE
MUST OBEY THE LAW " l6
" THERE 's LOTS OF GOOD FISH IN THE SEA! " .26
" FROM EVERY KIND OF MAN
OBEDIENCE I EXPECT" 36
" WHEN A MAN 's AFRAID,
A BEAUTIFUL MAID
IS A CHEERING SIGHT TO SEE " . . . .40
" SOMETHING LINGERING, WITH BOILING OIL IN IT,
I FANCY" 42
" HERE, NANKI-POO, I'VE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU" 44
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THE MIKADO
OR
THE TOWN OF TITIPU
ACT I
SCENE. Court-yard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese nobles
discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested by native
drawings.
CHORUS
If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of Japan :
On many a vase and jar
On many a screen and fan,
We figure in lively paint:
Our attitude's queer and quaint
You're wrong if you think it ain't.
If you think we are worked by strings
Like a Japanese marionette,
You don't understand these things:
It is simply Court etiquette.
Perhaps you suppose this throng
Can't keep it up all day long?
If that 's your idea, you're wrong.
Enter NANKi-Poo in great excitement. He carries a native
guitar on his back, and a bundle of ballads in his hand
2 THE MIKADO
RECIT.
Nank. Gentlemen, I pray you tell me,
Where a lovely maiden dwelleth,
Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko:
In pity speak oh speak, I pray you!
A Noble. Why, who are you who ask this question?
Nank. Come gather round me, and I'll tell you.
SONG
Nank. A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and patches,
Of ballads, songs and snatches,
And dreamy lullaby!
My catalogue is long,
Through every passion ranging,
And to your humours changing
I tune my supple song!
Are you in sentimental mood?
I'll sigh with you,
Oh, willow, willow!
On maiden's coldness do you brood?
I'll do so, too
Oh, willow, willow!
I'll charm your willing ears
With songs of lovers' fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew
Oh, willow, willow!
But if patriotic sentiment is wanted,
I've patriotic ballads cut and dried;
For where'er our country's banner may be planted,
All other local banners are defied!
Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail or they conceal it if they do
And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled
Before the mighty troops of Titipu!
THE MIKADO 3
And if you call for a song of the sea,
We'll heave the capstan round,
With a yeo heave-ho, for the wind is free,
Her anchor 's a-trip and her helm 's a-lee,
Hurrah for the homeward bound !
Yeo-ho heave-ho
Hurrah for the homeward bound !
To lay aloft in a howling breeze
May tickle a landsman's taste,
But the happiest hours a sailor sees
Is when he 's down
At an inland town,
With his Nancy on his knees, yeo-hol
And his arm around her waist!
Then man the capstan off we go,
As the fiddler swings us round,
With a yeo heave-ho,
And a rumbelow,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
A wandering minstrel I, etc.
Enter Pisn-TusH
Pish. And what may be your business with Yum-Yum?
Nank. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the Titipu
town band. It was my duty to take the cap round for contribu-
tions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw Yum-Yum.
We loved each other at once, but she was betrothed to her
guardian Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit was
hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted the town.
Judge of my delight when I heard, a month ago, that Ko-Ko
had been condemned to death for flirting! I hurried back at
once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum at liberty to listen to
my protestations.
Pish. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for flirting,
but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to the
exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following
remarkable circumstances:
THE MIKADO
SONG
Pish. Our great Mikado, virtuous man,
When he to rule our land began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young men might best be steadied.
So he decreed, in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered, or winked
(Unless connubially linked),
Should forthwith be beheaded.
And I expect you'll all agree
That he was right to so decree.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be !
CHORUS
And I expect, etc.
Pish. This stern decree, you'll understand,
Caused great dismay throughout the land:
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye,
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh,
Was thereupon condemned to die
He usually objected.
And you'll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct!
CHORUS
And you'll allow, as I expect, etc.
THE MIKADO 5
Pish. And so we straight let out on bail
A convict from the county jail,
Whose head was next
On some pretext
Condemned to be mown off,
And made him Headsman, for we said
" Who 's next to be decapited
Cannot cut off another's head
Until he 's cut his own off."
And we are right, I think you'll say,
To argue in this kind of way.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right too-looral-lay !
CHORUS
And they were right, etc.
[Exeunt Chorus.
Enter POOH-BAH
Nank. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of Titipu !
Why, that 's the highest rank a citizen can attain !
Pooh. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral difference
between the dignified judge who condemns a criminal to die,
and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence,
has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his
own executioner.
Nank. But how good of you (for I see that you are a nobleman of
the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me, a mere
strolling minstrel!
Pooh. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly
haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral de-
scent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can
trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
globule. Consequently, my family pride is something incon-
ceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle
hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride continually.
When all the great Officers of State resigned in a body, because
6 THE MIKADO
they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did I not
unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once?
Pish. And the salaries attached to them? You did.
Pooh. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart
as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-
in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds,
Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord
Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a
salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion !
But I do it! It revolts me, but I do it.
Nank. And it does you credit.
Pooh. But I don't stop at that. I go and dine with middle-class
people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties
for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, however
lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure. For
instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would
come under the head of a State secret. [NANKi-Poo takes the
hint, and gives him money.] [Aside.] Another insult, and I
think a light one!
SONG
Pooh. Young man, despair,
Likewise go to,
Yum-Yum the fair
You must not woo.
It will not do :
I'm sorry for you,
You very imperfect ablutioner!
This very day
From school Yum-Yum
Will wend her way,
And homeward come
With beat of drum,
And a rum-tum-tum,
To wed the Lord High Executioner I
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they'll cut a dash
On their wedding day.
THE MIKADO
From what I say, you may infer
It 's as good as a play for him and her,
She'll toddle away, as all aver,
With the Lord High Executioner!
It 's a hopeless case,
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I'd flee;
But don't blame me
I'm sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner.
They'll vow their pact
Extremely soon,
In point of fact
This afternoon
Her honeymoon
With that buffoon
At seven, commences, so you shun her!
All. The brass will crash, etc.
RECIT.
Nank. And have I journeyed for a month, or nearly,
To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly,
This day to Ko-Ko is to be united !
Pooh. The fact appears to be as you've recited :
But here he comes, equipped as suits his station ;
He'll give you any further information.
Enter Ko-Ko, attended
CHORUS
Behold the Lord High Executioner!
A personage of noble rank and title
A dignified and potent officer,
Whose functions are particularly vital.
Defer, defer,
To the noble Lord High Executioner!
SOLO
Ko. Taken from the county jail
By a set of curious chances;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances;
Wafted by a favouring gale,
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances;
Surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances.
CHORUS
Behold the Lord High Executioner, etc.
Ko. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can only
trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continu-
ance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve.
If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I am
happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty
of people whose deaths will be a distinct gain to society at
large.
Enter POOH-BAH
SOXG Ko-Ko
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list I've got a little list
Of social offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed who never would be missed!
There 's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that
And all third persons who on spoiling tete-a-tetes insist
They'd none of 'em be missed they'd none of 'em be missed!
THE MIKADO 9
CHORUS
He 's got 'em on the list he 's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed they'll none of 'em be missed !
There 's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist I've got him on the list! {
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And " who doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try "!
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist
I don't think she'd be missed I'm sure she'd not be missed!
CHORUS
He 's got her on the list he 's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed I'm sure she'll not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life
They'd none of 'em be missed they'd none of 'em be missed!
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as What d'ye call him Thing'em bob, and likewise Never
Mind,
And 'St 'st 'st and What 's-his-name, and also You-know-who
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS
You may put 'em on the list you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed they'll none of 'em be missed!
Ko. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection with my
approaching marriage must last a week. I should like to do it
handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I
ought to spend upon them.
Pooh. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the
Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney-General, Chancellor of
the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?
io THE MIKADO
Ko. Suppose we say as Private Secretary.
Pooh. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say that as the
city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself, do it well.
Ko. Exactly as the city will have to pay for it. That is your
advice.
Pooh. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand that,
as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due
economy is observed.
Ko. Oh. But you said just now " don't stint yourself, do it well."
Pooh. As Private Secretary.
Ko. And now you say that due economy must be observed.
Pooh. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Ko. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear us.
[They cross stage.] Now, as my Solicitor, how do you advise me
to deal with this difficulty?
Pooh. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying
"chance it "
Ko. Thank you. [Shaking his hand.] I will.
Pooh. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am botrad to see
that the law isn't violated.
Ko. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't hear us!
[They cross the stage.] Now, then, as First Lord of the Treasury?
Pooh. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a
special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not that,
as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist it,
tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster-General, I could so cook
the accounts, that as Lord High Auditor I should never dis-
cover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would
be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into
my own custody as First Commissioner of Police.
Ko. That 's extremely awkward.
Pooh. I don't say that all these people couldn't be squared; but it
is right to tell you that I shouldn't be sufficiently degraded in
my own estimation unless I was insulted with a very consider-
able bribe.
Ko. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my
bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on
your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese
attitude, would be esteemed a favour.
THE MIKADO n
Enter procession of YUM-YUM'S schoolfellows, heralding YuM-YuM,
PEEP-BO, and PITTI SING.
CHORUS
Comes a train of little ladies
From scholastic trammels free,
Each a little bit afraid is,
Wondering what the world can be!
Is it but a world of trouble
Sadness set to song?
Is its beauty but a bubble
Bound to break ere long?
Are its palaces and pleasures
Fantasies that fade?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,
From scholastic trammels free,
And we wonder how we wonder!
What on earth the world can be !
TRIO YuM-YuM, PEEP-BO, and Prm-SiNG
The Three. Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a school girl well can be, %
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school!
Yum-Yum. Everything is a source of fun. [Chuckle.}
Peep-Bo. Nobody 's safe, for we care for none! [Chuckle.]
Pitti-Sing. Life is a joke that's just begun! [Chuckle.}
The Three. Three little maids from school!
All. [Dancing.} Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies' seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary
The Three. [Suddenly demure.} Three little maids from school!
12 THE MIKADO
Yum-Yum. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum
Peep-Bo. Two little maids in attendance come
Pitti-Sing. Three little maids is the total sum.
The Three. Three little maids from school!
Yum-Yum. From three little maids take one away
Peep-Bo. Two little maids remain, and they
Pitti-Sing. Won't have to wait very long, they say
The Three. Three little maids from school!
All. [Dancing.] Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies' seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary
The Three. [Suddenly demure.] Three little maids from school!
Ko. At last, my bride that is to be! [About to embrace her.
Yum. You're not going to kiss me before all these people?
Ko. Well, that was the idea.
Yum. [Aside to PEEP-BO.] It seems odd, don't it?
Peep. It 's rather peculiar.
Pitti. Oh, I expect it 's all right. Must have a beginning, you know.
Yum. Well, of course I know nothing about these things ; but I've
no objection if it 's usual.
Ko. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain?
{Appealing to PooH-BAH.
Pooh. I have known it done. [Ko-Ko embraces her.
Yum. That's over! [Sees NANKi-Poo, and rushes to him.] Why,
that's never you? [The Three Girls rush to him and shake his
hands ) all speaking at once.]
Yum. Oh, I'm so glad! I haven't seen you for ever so long, and
I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got three prizes,
and I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more!
Peep. And have you got an engagement? Yum-Yum 's got one,
but she don't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it was you.
I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more!
Pitti. Now tell us all the news, because you go about everywhere,
and we've been at school, but thank goodness that 's all over
now, and we've come home for good, and we're not going back
any more !
[These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.
Ko. I beg your pardon. Will you present me?
"THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL!
(p. n)
THE MIKADO 13
Yum.\ Oh, this is the musician who used
Peep. Y Oh, this is the gentleman who used
Pitti. } Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used
Ko. One at a time, if you please.
Yum. He 's the gentleman who use to play so beautifully on the
on the
Pitti. On the Marine Parade.
Yum. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument.
Nank. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum-Yum
oh, I know I deserve your anger!
Ko. Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself. Charming
little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking little thing,
altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed by a competent
authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. [TbPiSH-Tusn.]
Take him away. [PiSH-TusH removes him.
Pitti [who has been examining POOH-BAH]. I beg your pardon, but
what is this? Customer come to try on?
Ko. That is a Tremendous Swell. [She starts back in alarm.
Pooh. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls like you. Go
away, there 's dears.
Ko. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my three
wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.
Pooh. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I will not
kiss them.
Ko. No, no, you sha'n't kiss them : a little bow a mere nothing
you needn't mean it, you know.
Pooh. It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies, they
are young persons.
Ko. Come, come, make an effort, there 's a good nobleman.
Pooh. [Aside to Ko-Ko.] Well, I sha'n't mean it. [With a great
effort.} How de do, how de do, little girls? [Aside.] Oh my
protoplasmal ancestor!
Ko. That 's very good. [Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.
Pooh. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to have
to say " How de do, how de do, little girls," to young persons.
I'm not in the habit of saying " How de do, how de do, little
girls" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker.
Ko. [Aside to girls.] Don't laugh at him he's under treatment
I 4 THE MIKADO
for it. [Aside to POOH-BAH.] Never mind them, they don't
understand the delicacy of your position.
Pooh. We know how delicate it is, don't we?
Ko. I should think we did ! How a nobleman of your importance
can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall understand.
[Ko-Ko retires up and goes off.
QUARTETTE AND CHORUS YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and Pim-SiNG
So please you, sir, we much regret
If we have failed in etiquette
Towards a man of rank so high
We shall know better by and bye.
But youth, of course, must have its fling,
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
And don't, in girlhood's happy spring,
Be hard on us,
Be hard on us,
If we're disposed to dance and sing,
Tra la la, etc. [Dancing.
Chorus of Girls. But youth, of course, etc.
Pooh. I think you ought to recollect
You cannot show too much respect
Towards the highly titled few;
But nobody does, and why should you?
That youth at us should its fling,
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us;
To our prerogative we cling
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
If we decline to dance and sing
Tra la la, etc. [Dancing.
Chorus of Girls. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.
[Exeunt all but YUM-YUM.
THE MIKADO I5
Enter NANKi-Poo
Nank. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone ! I have sought you night
and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian was
beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to him
this afternoon !
Yum. Alas, yes!
Nank. But you do not love him ?
Yum. Alas, noi
Nank. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse him?
Yum. What good would that do? He 's my guardian, and he wouldn't
let me marry you !
Nank. But I would wait until you were of age !
Yum. You forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years of
discretion until they are fifty.
Nank. True ; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered years of
indiscretion.
Yum. Besides a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind instrument
outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for the ward of
a Lord High Executioner.
Nank. But [Aside.] Shall I tell her? Yes! She will not betray
me! [Aloud.] What if it should prove that, after all, I am no
musician !
Yum. There ! I was certain of it, directly I heard you play !
Nank. What if it should prove that I am no other than the son of
His Majesty the Mikado?
Yum. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness disguised?
And what has your Highness done? And will your Highness
promise never to do it again?
Nank. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate Katisha,
an elderly lady of my father's court. She misconstrued my
customary affability into expressions of affection, and claimed
me in marriage, under my father's law. My father, the Lucius
Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to marry her within a
week, or perish ignominiously on the scaffold. That night I
fled his court, and, assuming the disguise of a Second Trombone,
I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happi-
ness of seeing you! [Approaching her.
Yum. [Retreating.] If youplease, IthinkyourHighnesshadbetternot
come too near. The laws against flirting are excessively severe.
16 THE MIKADO
Nank. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us.
Yum. Still that don't make it right. To flirt is illegal, and we
must obey the law.
Nank. Deuce take the law !
Yum. I wish it would, but it won't!
Nank. If it were not for that, how happy we might be:
Yum. Happy indeed!
Nank. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting side by
side, like that. \Sits by her.
Yum. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like that.
[Crosses and sits at other side of stage.
Nank. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like that.
[Approaching and gazing at her sentimentally.
Yum. Breathing vows of unutterable love like that.
[Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.
Nank. With our arms round each other's waists, like that.
[Embracing her.
Yum. Yes, if it wasn't for the law.
Nank. If it wasn't for the law.
Yum. As it is, of course, we couldn't do anything of the kind.
Nank. Not for worlds !
Yum. Being engaged to Ko-ko, you know!
Nank. Being engaged to Ko-ko!
DUET YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO
Nank. Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted,
I would say in tender tone,
" Loved one, let us be united
Let us be each other's own ! "
I would merge all rank and station,
Worldly sneers are nought to us,
And, to mark my admiration,
I would kiss you fondly thus [Kisses her.
Both.
rr r would kiss I r fondly thus [Kiss.
rr f would kiss j f fondly thus [Kt'ss.
"TO FLIRT IS ILLEGAL, AND WE
MUST OBEY THE LAW"
(P. 16)
THE MIKADO 17
Yum. But as I'm engaged to Ko-Ko,
To embrace you thus, confuoco,
Would distinctly be no gioco,
And for yam I should get toco
Both. Toco, toco, toco, toco.
Nank. So, in spite of all temptation,
Such a theme I'll not discuss,
And on no consideration
Will I kiss you fondly thus [Kissing her.
Let me make it clear to you,
This, oh this, oh this, oh this [Kissing her.
This is what I'll never do!
[Exeunt in opposite directions.
Enter Ko-Ko
Ko. [Looking after YUM-YUM.] There she goes! To think how
entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little parcel!
Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony! [Enter
POOH-BAH and PiSH-Tusn.] Now then, what is it? Can't you
see I'm soliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir!
Pish. I am the bearer of a letter from His Majesty the Mikado.
Ko. [Taking it from him reverentially.] A letter from the Mikado!
What in the world can he have to say to me? [Reads letter.]
Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come! The Mikado
is struck by the fact that no executions have taken place in
Titipu for a year, and decrees that unless somebody is beheaded
within one month, the post of Lord High Executioner shall be
abolished, and the city reduced to the rank of a village !
Pish. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin !
Ko. Yes. There 's no help for it, I shall have to execute somebody.
The only question is, who shall it be?
Pooh. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're already under
sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point to you.
Ko. To me? What are you talking about? I can't execute myself,
Recorder!
Pooh. Why not?
D
i8 THE MIKADO
Ko. Why not? Because, in the first place, self-decapitation is an
extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt;
and, in the second, it 's suicide, and suicide is a capital offence.
Pooh. That is so, no doubt.
Pish. We might reserve that point.
Pooh. True, it could be argued six months hence, before the full
Court.
Ko. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own head.
Pooh. A man might try.
Pish. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, that would
be something.
Pooh. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to comply
with the Imperial will.
Ko. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official Heads-
man, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to embark
on a professional operation unless I see my way to a successful
result.
Pooh. This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable to
you, but it places us in a very awkward position.
Ko. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace itself
compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting off
his own head.
Pish. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute
Ko. A substitute? Oh, certainly nothing easier. [To POOH-BAH.]
Pooh-Bah, I appoint you my substitute.
Pooh. I should like it above all things. Such an appointment
would realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I
must set bounds to my insatiable ambition!
TRIO
Ko-Ko Pooh-Bah Pisli-Tush
My brain it teems I am so proud, I heard one day,
With endless schemes, If I allowed A gentleman say
Both good and new My family pride That criminals who
For Titipu ; To be my guide, Are sut in two
But if I flit, I'd volunteer Can hardly feel
The benefit To quit this sphere The fatal steel,
That I'd diffuse Instead of you, And so are slain
The town would lose ! In a minute or two, Without much pain.
THE MIKADO 19
Now every man But family pride If this is true
To aid his clan Must be denied, It 's jolly for you ;
Should plot and plan And set aside, Your courage screw
As well as he can, And mortified, To bid us adieu,
And so, And so, And go
Although Although And show
I'm ready to go, I wish to go, Both friend and foe
Yet recollect And greatly pine How much you dare.
'Twere disrespect To brightly shine, I'm quite aware
Did I neglect And take the line It's your affair,
To thus effect Of hero fine, Yet I declare
This aim direct, With grief condign I'd take your share,
So I object I must decline But I don't much care
So I object I must decline I don't much care
So I object I must decline I don't much care
All. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
[Exeunt all but Ko-Ko.
Ko. This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be respited
at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native town,
am now required to die within a month, and that by a man
whom I have loaded with honours! Is this public gratitude?
Is this [Enter NANKI-POO with a rope in his hands. ] Go away,
sir! how dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?
Nank. Oh, go on don't mind me.
Ko. What are you going to do with that rope?
Nank. I am about to terminate an unendurable existence.
Ko. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense ! What for?
Nank. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
Ko. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man, and if
you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant
arrest. Come, sir, desist at once, or I summon my guard.
Nank. That 's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I instantly
perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
Ko. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! {Suddenly. \ Why,
you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking your
life, you are committing a crime which which which is
Oh ! [Struck by an idea.
20 THE MIKADO
Nank. What 's the matter?
Ko. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
Nank. Absolutely!
Ko. Will nothing shake your resolution?
Nank. Nothing.
Ko. Threats, entreaties, prayers all useless?
Nank. All! My mind is made up.
Ko. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are abso-
lutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake your
determination don't spoil yourself by committing suicide,
but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public Exe-
cutioner.
Nank. I don't see how that would benefit me.
Ko. You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, and you'll
live like a fighting cock at my expense. When the day comes
there'll be a grand public ceremonial you'll be the central
figure no one will attempt to deprive you of that distinction.
There'll be a procession bands dead march bells tolling
all the girls in tears Yum-Yum distracted then, when it 's
all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in the
evening. You won't see them, but they'll be there all the
same.
Nank. Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my
death?
Ko. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she 's the most tender-hearted
little creature alive.
Nank. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after all, if
I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for a
couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.
Ko. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily, and,
after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?
Nank. True.
Ko. Life without Yum-Yum why it seems absurd !
Nank. And yet there are a good many people in the world who
have to endure it.
Ko. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of their
number.
Nank. [Suddenly.] I won't be of their number!
Ko. Noble fellow!
THE MIKADO 21
Nank. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry Yum-Yum
to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me.
Ko. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum.
Nank. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I.
{Preparing rope.
Ko. Stop, stop listen one moment be reasonable. How can I
consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I'm going to marry
her myself?
Nank. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and you can
marry her then.
Ko. That's true, of course. I quite see that, but, dear me, my
position during the next month will be most unpleasant
most unpleasant!
Nank. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.
Ko. But dear me well I agree after all, it 's only putting off
my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice her against
me, will you? You see I've educated her to be my wife; she's
been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now I
shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.
Nank. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.
FINALE
Enter Chorus, POOH-BAH, and Pisn-TusH
CHORUS
With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.
Don't hesitate
Your choice to name,
A dreadful fate
You'll suffer all the same.
Pooh. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.
Ko. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer!
All. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear !
22 THE MIKADO
Ko. {Presenting him.] Tis Nanki-Poo !
All. Hail, Nanki-Poo!
Ko. I think he'll do?
All. Yes, yes, he'll do!
Ko. He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender;
Now I adore that girl with passion tender,
And could not yield her with a ready will,
Or her allot,
If I did not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still !
All. Ah, yes!
He loves himself with passion tenderer still!
Ko. [To NANKI-POO.] Take her she 's yours !
Enter YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and Pim-SiNG
Nank. and Yum. Oh, rapture!
ENSEMBLE
Yum and \ The threatened cloud has passed away
Nank. ] And brightly shines the dawning day;
What though the night may come too soon,
There 's yet a month of afternoon !
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song,
And merry dance,
With joyous shout and ringing cheer
Inaugurate our brief career!
All. Then let the throng, etc.
Pitti-Sing. A day, a week, a month, a year
Or be it far, or be it near,
Life's eventime comes much too soon,
You'll live at least a honeymoon!
All. Then let the throng, etc.
THE MIKADO 23
SOLO
Pooh. As in three weeks you've got to die,
If Ko-Ko tells us true,
'Twere empty compliment to cry
Long life to Nanki-Poo!
But as you've got three weeks to live
As fellow citizen,
This toast with three times three we'll give
" Long life to you till then ! "
CHORUS
May all good fortune prosper you,
May you have health and riches too,
May you succeed in all you do.
Long life to you till then !
DANCE
Enter KATISHA melodramatically
Kat. Your revels cease assist me all of you!
CHORUS
Why, who is this whose evil eyes
Rain blight on our festivities?
Kat. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo!
Oh, fool! to shun delights that never cloy!
Come back, oh, shallow fool ! come back to joy !
CHORUS
Go, leave thy deadly work undone ;
Away, away! ill-favoured one!
Nank. [Aside to YuM-YuM.] Ah!
'Tis Katisha!
The maid of whom I told you. [About to go.
Kat. [Detaining him.} No!
You shall not go,
These arms shall thus enfold you !
2 4 THE MIKADO
SONG
Kat. [Address- Oh fool, that fleest
ing NANKi-Poo.] My hallowed joys!
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise!
Oh rash, that judgest
From half, the whole !
Oh base, that grudgest
Love's lightest dole!
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind!
Give me my place,
Oh rash, oh base!
CHORUS
If she 's thy bride, restore her place,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!
Kat. [Address- Pink cheek, that rulest
ing YUM-YUM.] Where wisdom serves!
Bright eye, that foolest
Steel-tempered nerves!
Rose-lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years
Sweet tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears
Thy doom is nigh,
Pink cheek, bright eye!
Thy knell is rung,
Rose-lip, sweet tongue !
CHORUS
If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye, rose-lip, sweet tongue !
Pittt-Sing. Away, nor prosecute your quest
From our intention well expressed,
You cannot turn us!
THE MIKADO 25
The state of your connubial views
Towards the person you accuse
Does not concern us!
For he 's going to marry Yum-Yum
All. Yum-Yum!
Pitti. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb
All. Cumb cumb !
Pitti. And join our expressions of glee,
On this subject I pray you be dumb
All. Dumb dumb.
Pitti. You'll find there are many
Who'll wed for a penny
The word for your guidance is, " Mum "
All. Mum mum !
Pitti. There 's lots of good fish in the sea !
All. There 's lots of good fish in the sea!
And you'll find there are many, etc.
SOLO
Kat. The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone;
In silent sadness
I live alone!
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished
Save love, which never dies !
Oh, faithless one, this insult you shalt rue!
In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue.
I'll tear the mask from you disguising!
Nank. [Aside. ,] Now comes the blow!
Kat. Prepare yourself for news surprising!
Nank. [Aside.] How foil my foe?
Kat. No minstrel he, despite bravado!
Yum. [Aside, struck by an idea.] Ha! ha! I know!
Kat. He is the son of your
26
THE MIKADO
[NANKi-Poo and YuM-YuM, interrupting, sing Japanese
words to drown her "voice.
O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
O sa! bikkuri shakkuri to!
Kat. In vain you interrupt with this tornado!
He is the only son of your
All. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
Kat. I'll spoil
All. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. Your gay gambado!
He is the son
All. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
Kat. Of your
All. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
ENSEMBLE
Katisha
Ye torrents roar!
Ye tempests howl!
Your wrath outpour
With angry growl!
Do ye your worst, my vengeance
call
Shall rise triumphant over all!
Prepare for woe,
Ye haughty lords,
At once I go
Mikado-wards.
Andwhen helearnshisson isfound
My wrongs with vengeance will be
crowned!
The Others
We'll hear no more,
Ill-omened owl,
To joy we soar,
Despite your scowl.
The echoes of our festival
Shall rise triumphant over all!
Away you go,
Collect your hordes;
Proclaim your woe
In dismal chords;
We do not heed their dismal
sound,
For joy reigns everywhere
around !
[KATISHA rushes furiously up stage, clearing the crowd
away right and left, finishing on steps at the back of
stage.
END OF ACT I
THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD FISH IN THE SEA!
(P- 25)
THE MIKADO
ACT II
SCENE Ko-Ko's Garden
YuM-YuM discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded by
maidens who are dressing her hair and painting her face and
lips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror.
CHORUS
Braid the raven hair
Weave the supple tress
Deck the maiden fair
In her loveliness
Paint the pretty face
Dye the coral lip
Emphasize the grace
Of her ladyship!
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride !
SOLO
Pitti-Sing. Sit with downcast eye
Let it brim with dew
Try if you can cry
We will do so, too.
When you're summoned, start
Like a frightened roe
Flutter, little heart,
Colour, come and go!
Modesty at marriage tide
Well becomes a pretty bride!
, CHORUS
Braid the raven hair, etc. [Exeunt Chorus.
Yum. [Looking at herself in glass.] Yes, I am indeed beautiful!
Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way,
why it is that I am so much more attractive than anybody
28 THE MIKADO
else in the whole world? Can this be vanity? No! Nature is
lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature,
and take after my mother.
vSONG
Yum- Yum. The sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
With ever living glory,
Does not deny
His majesty
He scorns to tell a story!
He don't exclaim
" I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent,"
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
He glories all effulgent!
I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky
We really know our worth,
The sun and I!
Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The moon's Celestial Highness;
There 's not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness!
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may all acclaim her!
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don't blame her!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy ;
We're very wide awake,
The moon and I!
THE MIKADO 29
Yum. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be married
to-day to the man I love best, and I believe I am the very
happiest girl in Japan !
Peep. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied who
has attained happiness in all but perfection.
Yum. In "all but" perfection?
Peep. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your husband
is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a drawback.
Pitti. I don't know about that. It all depends!
Peep. At all events, he will find it a drawback.
Pitti. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends!
Yum. [In fears.] I think it very indelicate of you to refer to such a
subject on such a day. If my married happiness is to be to be
Peep. Cut short.
Yum. Well, cut short in a month, can't you let me forget it?
[ Weeping.
Enter NANKi-Poo followed by Pisn-TusH
Nank. Yum-Yum in tears and on her wedding-morn!
Yum. [Sobbing.] They've been reminding me that in a month
you're to be beheaded! [Bursts into tears.
Pitti. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be beheaded!
[Bursts into tears.
Peep. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded!
[Bursts into tears.
Nank. [Aside.] Humph! How some bridegrooms would be de-
pressed by this sort of thing! [Aloud.] A month? Well, what's
a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely arbitrary.
Who says twenty-four hours make a day?
Pitti. There 's a popular impression to that effect.
Nank. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a minute each
minute an hour each hour a day and each day a year. At that
rate we've about thirty years of married happiness before us !
Peep. And at that rate, this interview has already lasted four hours
and three quarters! [Exit PEEP-BO.
Yum. [Still sobbing.] Yes. How time flies when one is thoroughly
enjoying oneself!
30 THE MIKADO
Nank. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's be downhearted!
There 's a silver lining to every cloud.
Yum. Certainly. Let's let 'she perfectly happy! [Almost in tears.
Pish. By all means. Let's let's thoroughly enjoy ourselves.
Pitti. It 's it 's absurd to cry! [Trying to force a laugh.
Yum. Quite ridiculous! [Trying to laugh.
[All break into a forced and melanclioly laugh.
QUARTETTE YUM-YUM, Pini-SiNG, NANK., and PISH-TUSH
Brightly dawns our wedding day;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!
Whither, whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment, prithee stay!
What though mortal joys be hollow?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Dingdong! Ding dong!
Yet until the shadows fall
Over one and over all,
Sing a merry madrigal
A madrigal!
Fal-la fal-la! etc. [Ending in tears.
Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping,
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sundown is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow
I to-day and thou to-morrow:
This the close of every song
Ding dong! Ding dong!
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all?
Sing a merry madrigal
A madrigal!
Fal-la fal-la! etc. [Ending in tears :
[Exeunt Pim-SiNG and PISH-TUSH. NANKI-POO
embraces YUM-YUM.
k.} at o
. )
THE MIKADO 31
Enter Ko-Ko NANKI-POO releases YUM-YUM
Ko. Go on don't mind me.
Nank. I'm afraid we're distressing you.
Ko. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it by
degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist. [ NANKI-
POO does so.] There; let me get used to that first.
Yum. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire? It must pain you to see us
so affectionate together!
Ko. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing her
head to rest on your shoulder. [He does so Ko-Ko much
affected.} I am much obliged to you. Now kiss her! [He
does so Ko-Ko writhes -with anguish.} Thank you it's
simple torture!
Yum. Come, come, bear up. After all, it 's only for a month.
Ko. No. It 's no use deluding oneself with false hopes.
Nank.
Yum.
Ko. [To YUM-YUM.] My child my poor child. [Aside.] How
shall I break it to her? [Aloud.] My little bride that was to have
been
Yum. [Delighted.} Was to have been !
Ko. Yes, you never can be mine!
Yum. [In ecstasy.} What ! ! !
Ko. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a
married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.
* ank '\ Buried alive!
Yum. )
Ko. Buried alive. It 's a most unpleasant death.
Nank. But whom did you get that from?
Ko. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He 's my solicitor.
Yum. But he may be mistaken !
Ko. So I thought, so I consulted the Attorney-General, the Lord
Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary,
and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion.
Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life!
Nank. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in force?
Ko. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable with
decapitation, and married men never flirt.
32 THE MIKADO
Nank. Of course they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, I suppose
I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end !
Yum. Darling I don't want to appear selfish, and I love you with
all my heart I don't suppose I shall ever love anybody else
half as much but when I agreed to marry you my own I
had no idea pet that I should have to be buried alive in a
month!
Nank. Nor I ! It's the very first I've heard of it!
Yum. It it makes a difference, don't it?
Nank. It does make a difference, of course!
Yum. You see burial alive it's such a stuffy death! You see
my difficulty, don't you?
Nank. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying out
your promise, I doom you to a hideous death ; if I release you,
you marry Ko-Ko at once!
TRIO
Yum. Here 's a how-de-do !
If I marry you,
When your time has come to perish,
Then the maiden whom you cherish
Must be slaughtered too!
Here 's a how-de-do !
Nank. Here 's a pretty mess !
In a month, or less,
I must die without a wedding!
Let the bitter tears I'm shedding
Witness my distress.
Here 's a pretty mess !
Ko. Here 's a state of things !
To her life she clings !
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn't seem to suit her notion
Burial it brings!
Here 's a state of things !
THE MIKADO 33
ENSEMBLE
Yum-Yum and Nanki-Poo. Ko-Ko.
With a passion that 's intense With a passion that 's intense
I worship and adore, You worship and adore,
But the laws of common sense But the laws of common sense
We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to ignore.
If what he says is true, If what I say is true,
It is death to marry you! It is death to marry you!
Here 's a pretty state of things! Here 's a pretty state of things!
Here 's a pretty how-de-do! Here 's a pretty how-de-do!
[Exit YUM-YUM.
Ko. [Going up to NANKI-POO.] My poor boy, I'm really very sorry
for you.
Nank. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are.
Ko. You see I'm quite helpless.
Nank. I quite see that.
Ko. I can't conceive any thing more distressing than to have one's
marriage broken off at the last moment. But you sha'n't be
disappointed of a wedding you shall come to mine.
Nank. It 's awfully kind of you, but that 's impossible.
Ko. Why so?
Nank. To-day I die.
Ko. What do you mean?
Nank. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I perform
the Happy Despatch.
Ko. No, no pardon me I can't allow that.
Nank. Why not?
Ko. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the hand of
the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill yourself,
what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to be executed in
your place!
Nank. It would certainly seem so!
Enter POOH-BAH
Ko. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?
Pooh. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, and will
be here in ten minutes.
34 THE MIKADO
Ko. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have
been carried out! [To NANKI-POO.] Now look here, you
know this is getting serious a bargain's a bargain, and you
really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing
suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound
to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner.
Nank. Very well, then behead me.
Ko. What, now?
Nank. Certainly; at once.
Ko. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute gentlemen
at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a blue-bottle!
Pooh. Still, as Lord High Executioner,
Ko. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner I've got to behead
him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's
done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a
guinea pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom
till I come to a second trombone. Why, you don't suppose
that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of Lord
High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were purely
nominal? I can't kill you I can't kill anything! [Weeps.
Nank. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties to
discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind, why
should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.
Ko. \Springingup suddenly. \ Must it? I'm not so sure about that!
Nank. What do you mean?
Ko. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that you've
been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of wit-
nesses the Lord Chief Justice and Lord High Admiral, Com-
mander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department,
First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.
They'll all swear to it won't you? [To POOH-BAH.]
Pooh. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of State are
required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?
Ko. Why not? You'll be grossly insulted, as usual.
Pooh. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?
Ko. It will be a ready-money transaction.
Pooh. [Aside.} Well, it will be a useful discipline. {Aloud.} Very
good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it! [Aside.} Ha!
ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?
THE MIKADO 35
Nank. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum
Ko. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum ! Here, Com-
missionaire [to POOH-BAH], go and fetch Yum-Yum. [Exit
POOH-BAH.] Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go
away and never come back again. [Enter POOH-BAH with
YUM-YUM and PiTTi-SiNG.] Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you
particularly busy?
Yum. Not particularly.
Ko. You've five minutes to spare?
Yum. Yes.
Ko. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu; he'h
marry you at once.
Yum. But if I'm to be buried alive?
Ko. Now don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and Nanki-
Poo will explain all.
Nank. But one moment
Ko. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to ascertain
whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you alive, I
shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that I've
beheaded you. [Exeunt NANKI-POO and YUM-YUM, followed
by POOH-BAH.] Close thing that, for here he comes!
March Enter procession, heralding MIKADO, with KATISHA
CHORUS
[" March of the Mikado's troops."]
Miya sama, miya sama,
On ma no maye ni
Pira-Pira suru no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tonyare tonyare na!
DUET MIKADO and KATISHA
Mik. From every kind of man
Obedience I expect;
I'm the Emperor of Japan
Kat. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect!
He'll marry his son
(He has only got one)
To his daughter-in-law elect.
36 THE MIKADO
Mik. My morals have been declared
Particularly correct ;
Kat. But they're nothing at all, compared
With those of his daughter-in-law elect.
Bow! Bow!
To his daughter-in-law elect!
All. Bow! Bow!
To his daughter-in-law elect.
Mik. In a fatherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway
Kat. Except his daughter-in-law elect !
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is his daughter-in-law elect!
Mik. My nature is love and light
My freedom from all defect
Kat. Is insignificant quite,
Compared with his daughter-in-law elect.
Bow! Bow!
To his daughter-in-law elect!
All. Bow! Bow!
To his daughter-in-law elect.
SONG
Mik. A more humane Mikado never
Did in Japan exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.
"FROM EVERY KIND OF MAN
OBEDIENCE I EXPECT"
(P- 35)
THE MIKADO 37
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment,
Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten to four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villanies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The lady who dyes a chemical yellow,
Or stains her gray hair puce,
Or pinches her figger,
Is blacked like a nigger
With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains.
My object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I've enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
38 THE MIKADO
The music hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and "ops"
By Bach, interwoven
With Spohr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.
The billiard sharp whom any one catches,
His doom 's extremely hard
He 's made to dwell
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that 's always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls,
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue,
And elliptical billiard balls!
My object all sublime, etc.
Enter Poon-BAH, who hands a paper to Ko-Ko
Ko. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your Majesty.
I guess the object of your Majesty's visit your wishes have
been attended to. The execution has taken place.
Mik. Oh, you've had an execution, have you?
Ko. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
Pooh. I am the Coroner. [Ko-Ko hands certificate to MIKADO.
Mik. [Reads.} " At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor,
Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for
the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second
Floor Front."
Pooh. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them
myself.
Mik. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the perform-
ance.
Ko. A tough fellow he was, too a man of gigantic strength. His
struggles were terrific. It was really a remarkable scene.
THE MIKADO 39
TRIO Ko-Ko, PiTTi-SiNG, and POOH-BAH
Ko. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown
I bared my big" right arm.
I seized him by his little pig-tail,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee!
Oh never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that shrieked he,
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee !
CHORUS
We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.
Pittt. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn't deserve ;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve,
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the sabre true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebrae!
When a man 's afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see.
And it's oh, I'm glad,
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me !
4 o THE MIKADO
CHORUS
Her terrible tale
You can't assail,
With truth it quite agrees;
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.
Pooh. Now though you'd have said that head was dead
(For its owner dead was he),
It stood on its neck with a smile well bred
And bowed three times to me !
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be.
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree!
And it 's oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn't forget
The deference due to me!
CHORUS
This haughty youth
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays,
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says! \Exeunt Chorus.
Mik. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have seen it.
But we came about a totally different matter. A year ago my
son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our imperial
court.
WHEN A MAN'S AFRAID,
A BEAUTIFUL MAID
IS A CHEERING SIGHT TO SEE"
(P- 39)
THE MIKADO 4'
Ko. Indeed? Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his posi-
tion?
Kat. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry him
yet he fled !
Pooh. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so
lovely!
Kat. That 's not true. You hold that I am not beautiful because
my face is plain. But you know nothing; you are still unen-
lightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that
beauty is to be sought. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is
a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right
elbow has a fascination that few can resist. It is on view
Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting card. As
for my circulation, it is the largest in the world. Observe
this ear.
Ko. Large.
Kat. Large? Enormous! But think of its delicate internal mechan-
ism. It is fraught with beauty! As for this tooth, it almost
stands alone. Many have tried to draw it, but in vain.
Ko. And yet he fled!
Mik. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a second
trombone.
Ko. \
Pooh, j- A second trombone!
Pitti. }
Mik. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to
produce him? He goes by the name of Nanki-Poo.
Ko. Oh, no ; not at all only
Mik. Yes?
Ko. It's rather awkward, but in point of fact, he 's gone abroad!
Mik. Gone abroad? His address!
Ko. Knightsbridge !
Kat. [who is reading certificate of death}. Ha!
Mik. What 's the matter?
Kat. See here his name Nanki-Poo beheaded this morn-
ing. Oh, where shall I find another! Where shall I find
another!
[Ko-Ko, POOH-BAH, and PiTTi-SiNG fall on their knees.
Mik. [Looking at paper.] Dear, dear, dear; this is very tire-
G
42 THE MIKADO
some. [To Ko-Ko.] My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry
out my wishes, you have beheaded the heir to the throne of
Japan!
(Ko. But I assure you we had no idea
Together. \Pooh. But, indeed, we didn't know
\Pitti. We really hadn't the least notion
Mik. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my
good fellow, don't distress yourself it was no fault of yours.
If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a second
trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses
me to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved
all he got. [They rise.
Ko. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty
Mik. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you tell?
Pooh. No, of course we couldn't know that he was the Heir
Apparent.
Pitti. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.
Ko. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but Japanese
don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!
Mik. Ha! ha! ha! [To KAT.] I forget the punishment for com-
passing the death of the Heir Apparent.
Ko. \
Pooh. \ Punishment! [They drop down on their knees again.
Pitti. \
Mik. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy.
Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it, but I'm
not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering, with
either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, don't fret I'm
not a bit angry.
Ko. [In abject terror. \ If your Majesty will accept our assurance,
we had no idea
Mik. Of course you hadn't. That's the pathetic part of it. Un-
fortunately the fool of an act says " compassing the death of
the Heir Apparent." There 's not a word about a mistake, or
not knowing, or having no notion. There should be, of course,
but there isn't. That 's the slovenly way in which these acts are
drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it
altered next session.
Ko. What 's the good of that?
"SOMETHING LINGERING, WITH BOILING OIL
IN IT, I FANCY"
(p. 42)
THE MIKADO 43
Mik. Now let's see will after luncheon suit you? Can you wait
till then?
Ko., Pitti, and Pooh. Oh yes we can wait till then!
Mik. Then we'll make it after luncheon. I'm really very sorry for
you all, but it 's an unjust world, and virtue is triumphant only
in theatrical performances.
GLEE
Mik. and Kat. See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!
Ko.,Pooh.,& Pitti. Is B more worthy?
Mik. and Kat. I should say
He 's worth a great deal more than A.
All. Yet A is happy!
Oh so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!
Ko.,Pooh.,& Pitti. If I were Fortune which I'm not
B should enjoy A's happy lot,
And A should die in miserie,
That is, assuming I am B.
Mik. and Kat. But should A perish?
Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. That should he
(Of course assuming I am B).
AIL B should be happy !
Oh so happy !
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched, meritorious B!
[Exeunt MIKADO and KATISHA.
44 THE MIKADO
Ko. Well! a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding head
and the deference due to a man of pedigree!
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic veri-
similitude to a bald and unconvincing narrative.
Pitti. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative fiddlestick !
Ko. And you're just as bad as he is with your cock-and-a-bull
stories, about catching his eye, and his whistling an air. But
that's so like you! You must put in your oar!
Pooh. But how about your big right arm?
Pitti. Yes, and your snickersnee!
Ko. Well, well, never mind that now. There 's only one thing to
be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet he must come to life
again at once [Enter NANKI-POO and YuM-YuM prepared
for journey} here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good
news for you you're reprieved.
Nank. Oh, but it's too late. Fm a dead man, and I'm off for my
honeymoon.
Ko. Nonsense. A terrible thing has just happened. It seems
you're the son of the Mikado.
Nank. Yes, but that happened some time ago.
Ko. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here, and
with Katisha!
Nank. My father! And with Katisha!
Ko. Yes, he wants you particularly.
Pooh. So does she.
Yum. Oh, but he 's married now.
Ko. But, bless my heart, what has that to do with it?
Nank. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her
because I'm married already consequently she will insist on
my execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be
buried alive.
Yum. You see our difficulty.
Ko. Yes, I don't know what's to be done.
Nank. There 's one chance for you. If you could persuade Katisha
to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and in
that case I could come to life without any fear of being put to
death.
Ko. I marry Katisha!
Yum. I really think it 's the only course.
"HERE, NANKI-POO, I'VE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU-
(P- 44)
THE MIKADO 45
Ko. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She's something
appalling!
Pitti. Ah, that 's only her face. She has a left elbow which people
come miles to see!
Pooh. I am told that her right heel is much admired by connoisseurs.
Ko. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's right
heel.
Nank. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer to be a
disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence will
be as welcome as the flowers in spring.
DUET NANKI-POO and Ko-Ko
Nank. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine ;
And that 's what we mean when we say that a thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la la, etc.
All. And that's what we mean, etc.
Ko. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case,
I've got to take under my wing,
Tra la,
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face ;
And that 's what I mean when I say, or I sing,
Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring!
Tra la la la la la, etc.
All. And that 's what he means when he ventures to sing, etc.
{Dance and exeunt NANKi-Poo, YuM-YuM, POOH-BAH,
and PiTTi-SiNG.
46 THE MIKADO
Enter KATISHA
RECITATIVE
Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre!
My soul is still my body's prisoner!
Remote the peace that Death alone can give
My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!
SONG
Hearts do not break!
They sting and ache
For old sake's sake,
But do not die!
Though with each breath
They long for death,
As witnesseth
The living I!
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here,
Where all is drear?
May not a cheated maiden die?
Ko. [Approaching her timidly.] Katisha!
Kat. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance
pursues they are heating the cauldron !
Ko. Katisha behold a suppliant at your feet! Katisha mercy!
Kat. Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You have
slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have loved
me in time. I am an acquired taste only the educated palate
can appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me.
Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes years
to train a man to love me am I to go through the weary round
again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed
me of my prey I mean my pupil just as his education was
on the point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another!
Ko. [Suddenly, and with great vehemence.] Here! Here!
Kat. What!!!
THE MIKADO 47
Ko. [With intense passion.] Katisha, for years I have loved you
with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely consuming
my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is aught of
woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a love-sick
suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest touch ! True
it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have endeavoured to
conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling the soul within
me. But the fire will not be smothered it defies all attempts
at extinction, and, breaking forth all the more eagerly for its
long restraint, it declares itself in words that will not be weighed
that cannot be schooled that should not be too severely
criticized. Katisha, I dare not hope for your love but I will
not live without it!
Kat. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my betrothed,
dare to address words of passion to the woman you have so
foully wronged !
Ko. I do accept my love, or I perish on the spot!
Kat. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet died of
a broken heart!
Ko. You know not what you say. Listen !
SONG
Ko. On a tree by a river a little torn-tit
Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And I said to him, " Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?
Is it weakness of intellect, birdie? " I cried,
"Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"
With a shake of his poor little head he replied,
"Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,
Singing, "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,
Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow!
He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,
Then he threw himself into the billowy wave,
And an echo arose from the suicide's grave
"Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow! "
4 8 THE MIKADO
Now I feel just as sure as Pm sure that my name
Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim,
" Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow! "
And if you remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
" Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow! "
[During this song KATISHA has been greatly affected, and
at the end is almost in tears.
Kat. [Whimpering.} Did he really die of love?
Ko. He really did.
Kat. All on account of a cruel little hen?
Ko. Yes.
Kat. Poor little chap!
Ko. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the bird in-
timately.
Kat. Did you? He must have been very fond of her!
Ko. His devotion was something extraordinary.
Kat. [Still whimpering.} Poor little chap! And and if I refuse
you, will you go and do the same?
Ko. At once.
Kat. No, no you mustn't! Anything but that! [Falls on his breast.}
Oh, I'm a silly little goose!
Ko. [Making a wry face.} You are!
Kat. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny weeny
wee bit blood-thirsty, will you?
Ko. Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even in blood-
thirstiness?
Kat. My idea exactly.
DUET Ko-Ko and KATISHA
Kat. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,
There is eloquent out-pouring
When the lion is a-roaring,
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail!
THE MIKADO 49
Ko. Yes, I like to see a tiger
From the Congo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail !
Kat. Volcanoes have a splendour that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
But to him who 's scientific
There 's nothing that's terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts !
Ko. Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It 's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts.
Both. If that is so,
Sing deny down deny!
It 's evident, very,
Our tastes are one!
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done.
Ko. There is beauty in extreme old age
Do you fancy you are elderly enough?
Information I'm requesting
On a subject interesting:
Is a maiden all the better when she 's tough?
Kat. Throughout this wide dominion
It 's the general opinion
That she'll last a good deal longer when she 's tough.
Ko. Are you old enough to marry, do you think?
Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade?
There 's a fascination frantic
In a ruin that 's romantic;
Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?
Kat. To the matter that you mention
I have given some attention,
And I think I am sufficiently decayed.
H
50 THE MIKADO
Both. If that is so,
Sing deny down deny!
It 's evident, very,
Our tastes are one!
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!
[Exeunt together.
Flourish. Enter the MIKADO, attended by PiSH-Tusn and Court
Mik. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite ready.
Have all the painful preparations been made?
Pish. Your Majesty, all is prepared.
Mik. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two well-
meaning but misguided accomplices.
Enter Ko-Ko, KATISHA, POOH-BAH, and Pirn-SiNG. They
throw themselves at the MIKADO'S feet
Kat. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy even
for Pooh-Bah!
Mik. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught that
remark.
Kat. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and I
have just married this miserable object.
Mik. Oh! You've not been long about it!
Ko. We were married before the Registrar.
Pooh, /am the Registrar.
Mik. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the Heir
Apparent
Enter NANKI-POO and Yuai-YuM. They kneel
Nank. The Heir-Apparent is not slain.
Mik. Bless my heart, my son!
Yum. And your daughter-in-law elected!
Kat. [Seizing Ko-Ko.] Traitor, you have deceived me!
THE MIKADO 51
Mik. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I think he
will give it better whole than in pieces.
Ko. Your Majesty, it's like this. It is true that I stated that I had
killed Nanki-Poo
Mik. Yes, with most affecting particulars.
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail intended to give verisimilitude
to a bald and
Ko. Will you refrain from putting in your oar? [To MIK.] It 's like
this: when your Majesty says, " Let a thing be done," it's as
good as done practically, it is done because your Majesty's
will is law. Your Majesty says, " Kill a gentleman," and a
gentleman is told off to be killed. Consequently, that gentle-
man is as good as dead practically, he is dead and if he is
dead, why not say so?
Mik. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!
FINALL
Pitti. For he 's gone and he 's married Yum-Yum
AIL Yum-Yum!
Pitti. Your anger pray bury
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb
All. Cumb-cumb!
Pitti. And join our expressions of glee!
Ko. On this subject I pray you be dumb
All. Dumb-dumb!
Ko. Your notions, though many,
Are not worth a penny,
The word for your guidance is " Mum "
All. Mum-mum !
Ko. You've a very good bargain in me.
Yum. and} The threatened cloud has passed away,
Nank. } And brightly shines the dawning day;
What though the night may come too soon,
We've years and years of afternoon !
52 THE MIKADO
AIL Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career!
Then let the throng, etc.
CURTAIN
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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90095-1388
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