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MSS. and other Communications, except those of an unappreciative character,

should be addressed to The Editors, Corpus Christi College, Oxford.

All abuse, etc., should be addressed to ITS IMMANENCE,

THE ABSOLUTE, c/o The Universe, Anywhere Else.

New Series. Special Illustrated Christmas Number, 1901.

iVl 1 IN L^/ • K UNIVERSITY

A UNIQUE REVIEWS^

ANCIENT AND MODERN PHILOSOPHY.

EDITED BY

A TROGLODYTE,

WITH THE CO-OPERATION OF THE ABSOLUTE AND OTHERS.

CONTENTS.

PAGE

I. — Frontispiece — A Portrait of I. I. The Absolute . i

II. — Editorial 2

III.— The Place of Humour in the Absolute : F. H. BADLY 5
IV.— the Essence of Reality : T. H. GRIN (nee de

Rougemont) n

V.— A Triad of the Absolute: H. DELE . . . .15
VI.— The Critique of Pure Rot: I. CANT . . . .19
VII. — Some New Aphorisms of Herakleitos : Edited and

Translated by Prof. HYDATI .... 24
VIII. — Pre-Socratic Philosophy: LORD PlLKlNGTON OF

MlLKINGTON 29

IX. — New Platonic Dialogues. I . The Aporia of the Lysis ;

II. A Sequel to the Republic; III. Congratulations 31
X. — The Ladies' Aristotle. I. The Great-Souled Woman ;

II. The Brave Woman ; III. Marriage ... 40

XI. — Realism and Idealism : VERA WELLDON ... 50

XII. — Aus Zarathustra's Nachlass. Mitgeteilt von "IT." . 52

XIII. — Absolute Idealism : HUGH LEIGH .... 54

XIV. — Zur Phanomenologie des absoluten Unsinns : Prof.

Dr. G. W. FLEGEL 56

XV.— Pholisophy's Last Word : I. M. GREENING . . 58
XVI. — The Equipment and Management of a Modern

Oracle: U.S. A 60

XVII.— The M. A. P. History of Philosophy. Rhymes beyond

Reason. I. Ancient Philosophy .... 68

\Continued on next page.

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CONTENTS— continued.

PAGE

XVIII.—" Elizabeth's " Visits to Philosophers : L. IN HER GRIN 77
XIX. — A Commentary on the Snark : SNARKOPHILUS

SNOBBS 87

XX.— The M.A.P. History of Philosophy. II. Modern

Philosophy . . . . . . . . 102

XXI. — The Absolute at Home : A TROGLODYTE . .112
XXII. — The International Congress of Philosophers : THE

JOKER . . 117

XXIII. — Nursery Rhymes for Philosophic Beginners . .125

XXIV.— The Welby Prize 128

XXV— Critical Notices :

Anaximandros, Trept </>vVea>? : Prof. O. T. POULTISON . 129
Aristokles, 7re/ol TroAirei'as : X. N. O'FuN . . . 1 30

J. E. M. Tagrag, Studies in the Hooligan Dialectic: A.

CAVEY . . . . . . . -131

U. Spelaeus, More Riddles from Worse Sphinxes : Corp.

U. LENTULUS . 131

XXVI.— Notes and News — Obituary Notices . . . .133

XXVII.— New Books . . 136

XXVIII. — Answers to Correspondents . . . . .140
XXIX. — Advertisements 142

By Special Request of the American Psychologists'
Association there has been prepared

A KEY

I 3ST 3D i

With a FULL EXPLANATION of all the Jokes and Difficulties.

It may be obtained from the Publishers -BY TEACHEES OF PHILO-
SOPHY ONLY. Price 10s. net. [Noiv ready.

BY THE SAME PUBLISHERS.

A SPECIALLY EXPURGATED Edition of MIND ! for the use of Schools
(of Philosophy). Price 2s. 6d. net. [In preparation.

This side up.

PORTRAIT OF ITS IMMANENCE THE ABSOLUTE.

Instructions for U$e. — Turn the eye of faith, fondly but firmly,
on the centre of the page, wink the other, and gaze fixedly until
vou see It.

I.— FRONTISPIECE.

94J91

This side up.

I.— FRONTISPIECE.

IT is with the utmost satisfaction that we present to our
readers an authentic Portrait of the Absolute, in full panoply,
K-rayed in the parinfernalia of Its Office and X-rayed by the
new and powerful Shamoscope which we have recently
invented and patented and can warrant to see through every-
thing. On (pink ]) paper the result looks surprisingly simple,
and very like the Bellman's map in the Hunting of the Snark.
But in reality it was a difficult achievement. We realised
from the first that MIND ! could, as little as anything else, be
complete without the Absolute, and determined to use It as
an illustration regardless of the expense of the most abstruse
and occult processes.

So we advertised for representative Aspects of the Absolute,
thinking to compile therefrom a composite photo which
should be an absolutely authentic image of the Absolute.
They came in shoals, Doctors, Pholisophers of every descrip-
tion, and all Its valiant supporters. But when our modus
operandi was explained to them a terrific tumult arose. Each
declared that the rest were phenomenal impostors, and that
he alone was adequate to represent the Whole. There is
no saying what would have happened, but for the presence
of MIND ! shown by our Office Boy. He chanced to be enter-
taining himself with blowing bubbles from a large basin of
soap and water. Some he dispersed in pursuit of bubbles,
which they hastily identified with the Absolute, others by
the direr menace of a scrubbing brush and of the contents of
his basin. Shortly afterwards the invention of the Shamo-
scope offered a welcome means of avoiding all such difficulties
and of producing a portrait, which, we trust, will prove equally
satisfactory to those who admire the Absolute and to those
who do not. All who have seen It assure us that it is an
excellent likeness.

1 It is, of course, the pink of Perfection.

941.91

II.— EDITORIAL.

"Now all things were mixed; then MIND ! came and set all
things in order." — ANAXAGORAS.

THE appearance of a " Nova " in the intellectual sky is apt to
attract attention and demand explanation. We therefore
hasten to assure the public that no harm is intended, and
that MIND ! is not meant to compete seriously with the already
too numerous existing journals of philosophy. Its aim is
rather to relieve than to enhance the existing depression of
Philosophy, by throwing light on an aspect of Experience
which philosophers have too often and too long neglected.

Philosophic depression, indeed, is no novelty. Like its
agricultural congener, it may be traced back by the leisured
and learned to the very earliest records of human effort.
Already in a papyrus of the First Dynasty Dul-prig-bah, the
worthy Hierophant of the Ineffable Mysteries, attached to
the shrine of Pooh at Memphis, complains that the young
are no longer eager — as in the days of his youth — to throng
to philosophic discourses (his own) and prefer to chase
the hippopotami upon the sacred river. Perhaps such com-
plaints are like those of the degeneracy of the stage and the
turf, and of the -decay in the arts of conversation and of being
polite to bores, and mean no more.

In case, however, that there should be a substratum of truth
in them, it seems worth while to try a novel remedy. Hence
the appearance of MIND ! the levity and flippancy of which
must be regarded as part of a deep-laid plot to inculcate
into its readers philosophic gravity and enthusiasm. For it
is a well-known psychological law that the dreams of meta-
physicians also act by contraries, especially upon the young
and intelligent.

Again, owing to the growth of amenities in criticism it has
become almost impossible to speak the Truth, nisi ridentem
dicere verum, and the deity whom so many profess ignorantly
to worship is reluctantly compelled to array herself in motley.

We have aimed therefore, primarily and conscientiously, at
fun, and if occasionally our shafts may seem to the super-
sensitive to have been somewhat too sharply pointed, the

ED1TOKIAL. 6

benignant reader who enters into the spirit of our enterprise
will, we trust, kindly put this down to the necessity of hitting
wisdom, before she flies off into those regions of the supra-
sensible whence there is no return. It is the fault also of
the subject if we have not always overcome the proverbial
difficulty of not writing satire, and at all events we may
claim that there was not an ounce of malice in our fun. As
to this the subjoined report of the famous geloiologist, Dr.
Joe King, Ph.D., F.K.S., F.G.S., F.C.S., etc., bears gratifying
testimony : —

" The jocoscopic analysis of the light of the ' Nova Mentis,
1901,' shows a pretty continuous bright spectrum chiefly com-
posed of the ' enhanced ' lines due to the presence of large
quantities of the more frivolous gases. This is an indication
of extremely genial warmth, which is confirmed by the fact
that even the most refractory solids appear to have been
volatilised, and to shine by their own light. The most
delicate instruments however failed to show7 any dark lines
(even in the poetry) due to malice. The cause therefore of
the phenomenon remains obscure. It would be premature
to decide whether it arose from the spontaneous combustion
of a hitherto unobserved philosophic luminary, or was due to
a collision of academic wits. Nevertheless I feel it my duty
to state that I consider it a very grave phenomenon, as
indicating serious and incalculable convulsions in the unin-
telligible world and perhaps heralding the end of an epoch
in philosophic history."

Nothing could be more reassuring than this report.

We may also console ourselves with the thought that
whatever the character of our ridicule, ridicule does not kill,
and least of all the immortals ; to whom it will be noticed
that we have restricted our impertinences. If therefore
any rumour thereof should penetrate to the lucid intervals
amid the whirl of worlds, they will doubtless appreciate the
real compliment which lurks beneath our ostensible liberties.
As for their adherents, they should remember the excellent
maxim of the tolerant Emperor, deorum injurice dis curcv.

In conclusion a few words may be added on the title we
have chosen. Like everything that is really profound, it may
be explained in several divergent ways. Symbolically, MIND !
admonishes to the caution for which philosophers are justly
renowned. Historically, it revives the almost forgotten
memory of the oldest philosophic journal in the world. For
when the mystery of existence first began to weigh upon the
palaeolithic Troglodytes, Whywhy the Kadical (whose tragic
career Mr. Andrew Lang has narrated with his wonted

4 EDITOKIAL.

felicity) started an advanced periodical, from which his tribe
subsequently took the name of " Cave-dwellers ". He called
it Cave !. and the traditional connexion between the Cave and
Philosophy has been worthily maintained in well-known
writings of Plato and Bacon. Now even a mediocre know-
ledge of Proto- Aryan speech will convince our readers that
the most obvious and elegant translation of Cave ! is Mind !
On the ethical significance of MIND ! we have descanted in
our " Answers to Correspondents " (p. 141). Psychophysio-
logically, it reveals the hidden meaning of the maxim,
" Mens ! sana in Corpore ". Most loftily it may be said, sub
specie aternitatis et rosa, that, regarded in its true inwardness
and metaphysical Essence, MIND ! is the primordial source
of the Rejuvenescence of Philosophy, and so Eternal, while
all its terrestrial copies emanate from and adumbrate this
archetypal exemplar, in which they are immanent. And
lastly, and confidentially, to all philosophers, of whatsoever
creed and breed, we seek in our title to convey the much-
needed warning that a sense of humour is the salvation
of a true Sanity of Mind !

III.— THE PLACE OF HUMOUR IN THE ABSO-
LUTE.

BY F. H. BADLY.
INTEODUCTOKY NOTE.

[THIS chapter somehow got omitted from my famous work
on the Disappearance of Reality — perhaps because the Editor
of Punch failed to return it in time for me to include it. As
however that work — which only the fatuous ignorance of
prejudiced ineptitude could have pronounced a philosophic
hoax — did not profess to be systematic, I dare say the great
majority of my readers never noticed the omission. I now
publish it, not so much because I flatter myself that the
English mind is capable of the strenuous effort of attention
requisite for really understanding it, or because I think that
metaphysicians are too much in earnest with metaphysics, and
as the phrase runs take themselves too seriously, but merely
to show that dogmatic pedantry no longer occupies the whole
ground as the one accredited way of " philosophic thinking ".

The paper of course speaks for itself, and I might leave
it to do so, but now that I have gone so far in taking my
readers (if any) into my confidence (such as it is), I find
myself unable to refrain from transcribing some sentences
from a dusty old notebook which I happened to light upon
lately — compiled, apparently, while I was circumventing the
examiners for the dreary, and now happily extinct, farce
humorously called * the Rudiments of Faith and Keligion ' !

" Metaphysics," I there find written, "is no joke — until
you come to write it — and then the joke soon ceases when
you are asked to explain what you have written."

Of Keligion I have said, "it is the funniest thing in the
world — until you come to believe it ; and then you fail to
see the fun of it any longer and become the funniest thing
yourself " ; of the religious, " of all those who take life
religiously the Thug is the least noxious".

About the Unity of the Universe I have set down the
paradox that "the One always means a great many things" :

6 F. H. BADLY :

about the Many, that " the more you have of them, the more
you want the One ".

Concerning Truth and Falsehood I lay it down that " it is
all one, and God knows the difference; if he knows any-
thing " : concerning Good and Evil, that " they differ only
in the time it takes to see through them : but it is good not
to do so too soon, and evil to do so before you are in a posi-
tion to do it with impunity ".

Similarly I declare that " Time is unreal, but it takes most
people some time to realise this," while about Space I feel
that "it is strange that I am at its centre everywhere and its
circumference nowhere ".

As for Telepathy, I admit that "there are many minds
worth reading — especially on the Stock Exchange ".

Of vocal Pessimism I remark that "to cry stinking fish is
folly : when your nose is offended, you had much better keep
your mouth shut ".

Lastly I discover that "to love satisfied the world is a
nuisance, to love unsatisfied a hindrance ; but to love or
not to love that is the question ".

The reader may judge (though I doubt it) how far these
dicta form sense, and he must please himself also how
seriously he takes them. Me assuredly he can not please,
and so I will say no more. — E. H. B.]

My attitude towards my Absolute has struck many as a
pleasantry, the point of which lies in its consciousness. It
has seemed a proposal to take something for God simply and
solely because I know I don't know what the devil it can
be. It is, however, a mere misunderstanding (the removal
of which is not properly my concern) to attribute to me
such an extreme of ingenuity. I have really no wish to be
irreverent, and can content myself with saying that to the
untutored human mind the Absolute is distinctly humorous.
It may come from a failure in my metaphysics, or from an
exuberance of the flesh which continues to distract me, but
the notion that there should be no place for Humour in the
Absolute strikes as cold and desiccating as the dreariest
dogmatism. That the fun of this world in the end is appear-
ance, leaves the world funnier, if we feel it is a symbol of
some diviner merriment ; but the phenomenal jest is a
deception and a cheat, if it hides some grim travesty of
our hopes, some veiled horror of unlaughable enigma, some
noumenal cancan of a bloodthirsty monster. Though dragged
to such entertainments one cannot enjoy them — any more
than an Oxford garden party.

THE PLACE OF HUMOUR IN THE ABSOLUTE. 7

Fortunately, however, I have already more than once
picturesquely and unequivocally asserted that the Absolute
is the reality which includes, unites, immerses, over-rides,
overpowers, owns, swallows, absorbs, transmutes, transfigures
and transcends all appearances.

With such an Absolute one is safe. Without it there
would be no fun in metaphysics. All the fun, therefore,
must be within it. Once, therefore, he has grasped it, firmly,
by the scruff of the neck, even the most benighted idiot
among my readers1 can hardly fail to see that, like every-
thing else, humour must be contained in the Absolute.

It is no use standing aghast, therefore, at the atrocity of
some of the puns which will doubtless be perpetrated by
others of the contributors to this journal, nor urging against
the obscurity of others that there are some jokes no man can
comprehend. If you cannot comprehend the joke, that only
proves that the joke is beyond you, not that it is beyond the
Absolute, which must be supposed to be adequate to the com-
prehension of the Infinite Jest whereof we all are parts.
We must subside therefore and allow the Absolute to absorb
all its appearances, jokes and all.

It would be easy, if one took the trouble, to prove in another
way that the Absolute must take in jokes, without being
taken in itself — although we may be. We can not therefore
regard the Absolute with levity, but must preserve our gravity
in discussions of the sort. For if we lost it, where should
we be? Not in the universe, assuredly; for gravitation is
universal. And to be levitated into a spirit world beyond
the Absolute is impossible. For there is no spirit world,
and if there were, it would be within the Absolute and
therefore Appearance. For the Absolute is the absolute
centre of gravity of the universe and the universe is one, one
with the Absolute. Whoever denies or doubts this should
be condemned to recite my Postulate 10,000 times before
breakfast.

'But appearances,' you say, 'are against the Absolute.'
What of that? How could they be anything else? And
where would the fun come in if they were not ? But they
are only appearances, and hardly worth preserving. For the

1 [Isn't this rather too rude even from you, Mr. B. ? One knows, of
course, that you don't mean all these sayings to be taken too seriously,
but they give you such a false air of arrogance, which distresses the
weaker brethren.— ED., MIND! Had no intention to be rude, but felt
they must be idiots to read me. I'm an extra-humble-minded man
really. — F. H. B. No doubt ; but are you not a good deal more humble-
minded about your readers ? — ED., MIND ! Appearance. — F. H. B.]

8 F. H. BADLY :

Absolute is bound to swallow them, or any other nonsense
it may please any one to propound, if we cannot. But you
'do not see how the Absolute can digest such jests'. It is
not necessary that you should ; it is enough that the Absolute
should swallow them, and dissolve what it swallows into the
fuller harmony of its internal economy.

Not of course that it is necessary to affirm that the ideal
content of a joke, recognised as such, must be referred to a
Reality beyond a joke, which is the Absolute. No one of
the great philosophers, who have declined to consort with
malingering chimeras like God, Freedom and Immortality,
has ever asserted anything of the kind.1 And I, of course,
do not wish to be peculiar and to stand alone.

So I will simply state, quite abruptly, that the Absolute,
whatever it may be in relation to the Universe, is not humor-
ous as such and in itself (An und fur Sich) — for the simple
reason that it has absolutely no sense of humour. How indeed
could it, seeing that it has absolutely no sense of any kind ?
The senses are appearance and deceptive to boot, while the
Absolute is Reality, and has never had the audacity to de-
ceive me. Moreover the Absolute is Experience and rather a
terrible experience at that, and no joke.

Do I, in so saying, contradict my previous assertion that
the Absolute is humorous ? Not at all. I am not a Hegelian,
though I have never concealed my approbation of Hegel, and
still cannot help thinking that if Hegel's Phdnomenologie were
substituted for Latin Prose in Smalls, and his Greater Logic
for Mill in Honour Mods, Merton would be much quieter,
and perhaps even a possible college to inhabit in term time,
while the English mind would get a real chance of becoming
truly philosophic.

But I have always retained a, perhaps exaggerated, regard
for the Principle of Contradiction, so that nothing pleases me
more than to see it outraged by others. (This again may be
weakness of the flesh, as explained above.)

But in reality there is no such difficulty here. For all that
I now say is that there is no place in the Absolute for humour
recognised as such. It finds its place in the systematic Unity
of Reality, like everything else. But it is there as Fact, not

*I give no references, partly on principle — seeing that it is always
possible that some one might look them up and detect either one's de-
falcations or one's misrepresentations — partly because I am always
trying to write down to the level of my readers, and it would not help
them much to learn my relation to German writers whom they have not
read. And even if they should read, nothing I could say would make
them understand.

THE PLACE OF HUMOUR IN THE ABSOLUTE. 9

as Meaning. I.e., it is as such suppressed,1 transformed, trans-
muted, transmogrified, or in a word, transmuddled. The
Absolute absorbs it together with all other appearances. In-
deed it lives on them, and on nothing else. The Absolute
has no food but appearances and without them would
starve. And yet with appearances alone to digest, it would
remain unsatisfied. It takes in everything2 and excretes
nothing.

As food stuffs, therefore, all appearances are worthless,
apart from transmutation. Transubstantiation is, of course,
a theological monster, but transmutation is the ultimate pro-
cess which infallibly converts appearances into reality. Not
that all appearances, even so, are of equal value : there are
degrees, and the nutritiousness of an appearance depends on
the amount of transmutation needed and the time required to
effect it.3

But to resume : the Absolute, as in duty bound, transmutes
the appearance of humour. ' Into what ? ' Into reality !
Yah, ask another ! ' How ? ' That tedious question again !
How often am I to explain that though I cannot precisely say
how, it must be somehow ? And I defy any one to convince
me that the trick is impossible. Have I not stated over and
over again that " What can be and must be that therefore is " ? 4
Indeed I have dwelt so often on this that I really must con-
sider it disposed of.

What more ? Why nothing ! No writer who is determined
to respect himself (if not others) can be called on to treat this
subject seriously at greater length. Not but what I might

1 Even the psychologists agree with us here. They tell us that sup-
pressed laughter is still laughter, and not less laughter but more laughter.
I have often verified this myself, in my youth, in church, while listening
to sermons.

2 [Except, of course, Mr. Badly himself, v. above. — ED., MIND !]

3 [This is most interesting, Mr. Badly, but how does it agree with what
you say elsewhere about the unreality of Time and the illusoriness of
the categories of Appearance ? — ED., MIND ! Don't be impertinent, sir !
-F. H. B.]

4 Owing to the abysmal stupidity of my critics it is not perhaps super-
fluous to add that this is not to be taken seriously as a postulate. Postu-
lates belong to a Voluntarism which I detest, and have over and over again
exploded audibly. And any one capable of prostituting his intellect by
resorting to postulation, will inevitably be led on to assign practical value
to theoretical truth, and end as the degraded hireling of an effete priest-
craft. Nothing that I choose to say, therefore, must be interpreted as
an expression of and excuse for, a discreditable superstition. The way
some people, who ought to be enlightened, talk is enough to make one
whirl round and round in one's cage, like an infuriated squirrel ! But
there, I will be calm, if I cannot be polite !

10 F. H. BADLY : THE PLACE OF HUMOTJE IN THE ABSOLUTE.

go on for another 600 pages in this style. (My style is
excellent.) But it would all come to the same thing, viz.f
the Absolute, and I really cannot be expected to write it all
out. So all I can say is — ' Go to bed and sleep it off, if you
can ! Above all don't worry yourselves, or (what is more
important) me ! '

IV.— THE ESSENCE OF REALITY.
BY T. H. GRIN (nte DE EOUGEMONT).

[The history of this article is somewhat curious. It was originally
sent to our esteemed contemporary Mind by the most serious-minded
idealist in America, who mentioned that she regarded it as the pro-
foundest expression of the deepest convictions she had yet attained to.
The Editor of Mind did not think it suitable, but showed it to us. We
at once cabled over to the author, offering to publish it in MIND ! and
to pay her fifty dollars, on condition that two or three phrases were
changed. The author readily accepted these conditions and the dollars,
but was very anxious that her name should appear. It was only with
great difficulty that she was prevailed 011 to respect the rule of pseudo-
nymity which has been adopted for MIND !, and it is respect for the same
principle which prevents us also from revealing it. Nevertheless, we
hope that the result will be satisfactory, and that to a careful student
the article will appear in no wise unworthy to be included in the pages
of MIND ! — ED.]

IT is in vain that we seek to define the real by finding,
either in the work of the mind or elsewhere, an unreal to
which it may be opposed. For, to say of any object that it
is unreal is the same as saying that there is no such thing
as that object : in other words, there is no such thing as an
unreal object. Of two alternatives, one. Either, as regards
any particular belief, we are not mistaken at all, in which
case nothing more need be said ; or else we are really mis-
taken, in which case what more can we possibly want ?
When a quill-driver in the Schools 'makes a howler,' as we
say, his addle-pated answer has its own reality just as much
as if he had answered aright. There are relations between
certain printed matter on the one side and his cerebral organ
on the other, between the present state of the latter and
certain determining conditions — whether spiritual in them-
selves or spirituous, we need not now stop to inquire — be-
tween the immediate sensible effect of the printed question
and the mental muddle which it in turn excites, as full and
definite as in any case of a correct answer. There is as
much reality in the one case as in the other, but it is not
the same reality. The illusion under which the candidate
labours is real, not indeed with the particular reality which

12 T. H. GRIN :

the subject of the illusion fondly ascribes to it, but with a
reality which the superior intelligence of the examiner all
too readily understands. To sum up, we do undoubtedly
often take what is really related in one way to be really
related in another. But this is not a confusion of the real
with the unreal : it is a confusion of one particular reality
with another. Mere untutored common sense is apt to lay
undue stress on the fact that, of any two such realities, the
one, namely the object as it really is, ex hypothesi, does not
exist for us, and cannot therefore by us be confounded with
anything else ; whilst the other, or the object as it exists for
us, is the object as it really isn't. But this consideration,
which on a superficial view might seem to militate against
our theory of the identity of thought with reality, does, when
rightly understood, but lend additional confirmation thereto.
For the consideration in question goes to show that our
theory is confused as regards its treatment of error ; and
since it is impossible to set up an intelligible distinction
between consciousness and its object, it follows of strict
necessity that in treating of confusion of thought our own
thought must be confused. And it is clear that the greater
the confusion, the more confoundedly real must the
object be.

What we have so far sought to show has been (1) gener-
ally, that any distinction between the real and the unreal is
necessarily an unreal distinction, since non-existent things
simply do not exist ; and (2) specially, that the antithesis
between reality and illusion is wholly illusory, since an
illusion is as real as anything else.

We will now proceed to show that an illusion is more real
than anything else. An object which does not exist for us is
for us as good as nothing: and hence, plainly, it is for us
that objects exist. That is, the reality of an object consists
entirely in its being an object of consciousness. Conse-
quently, the greater the purity with which an object displays
this character, the more truly real does it become. Now,
the object of an illusory belief is distinguished from other so-
called realities precisely by this fact, that it exists purely and
simply for consciousness. Hence it, and it alone, attains full
reality. An object is real precisely to the extent to which it
is illusory. And it is to be observed that an illusion, as
such, is pre-eminently and indisputably the work of the
mind. It is thus proved, beyond cavil, that the real, in the
only true sense of the word, is the work of the mind. The
work of the mind is real, and the real is the work of the
mind. In this way we escape from the fatal antithesis set

THE ESSENCE OF EEALITY. 13-

up by the late Mr. Locke ; to revert to which, as I have
often shown, necessarily lands philosophy in a dead-Locke,
I have, in fact, shown this so often, that this time I will
leave Locke in his grave,1 and will not even ex-Hume his
great, but contemptible, successor.

The consciousness, however, which constitutes reality,
though, of course, identical with our consciousness, cannot be
our consciousness. I mean that it is our consciousness indeed,
but it is not strictly ours : we have, so to speak, only a life
interest in it. Objects do not begin to exist only when they
begin to exist for us. It would, indeed, be distinctly incon-
venient if we had to defer our birth until we knew all about
our ancestors. In other words, it is clearly impossible to
identify thought and reality if we take into account the fact
that thought has a historical development. Which irref rag-
ably proves that the fact alluded to must not be taken into
account.'2 Hence the consciousness, which, by its relating
activity, constitutes reality, is an eternal consciousness.

And the reality which is constituted by this eternal con-
sciousness must be likewise timeless. For are not the reality
and the consciousness one and the same ? That both reality
and the consciousness thereof must be timeless does indeed
become obvious when we reflect that, as I am never weary
of repeating, there is an absolute difference between succes-
sion and consciousness of succession. For this is to say that
if succession were ever an object of consciousness, it would
be absolutely different from the consciousness thereof — there
would here be an absolute distinction between consciousness-
and its object. Which I have abundantly shown to be
absurd. Hence succession is not so much as a possible
object of thought.3 To the eternal consciousness the long
succession of events is as a tale that is told to the marines,

It now only remains to solve the apparent paradox that
although consciousness is not, and cannot be, in time, it yetr
with the characteristically inconceivable brutality of mere
matter of fact, does have a development in time. The
solution of the difficulty, if difficulty there be, is to be found
in the fact that the expression " our consciousness " has the

1 [Thanks.— ED., MIND !]

2 Except, of course, so far as it enables us to argue that the judgment
is real in virtue of having causes and effects.

3 1 was previously disposed to argue that successive events could only
exist through the synthetic activity of thought ; and that, as the object
of thought, they were not successive. I argued, that is to say, that
successive events, in virtue of involving the relation of succession, were
not successive. But the view above given is, I think the intelligent
reader will admit, more in harmony with the galling restrictions of logic.

14 T. H. GRIN I THE ESSENCE OF REALITY.

misfortune to be afflicted with a peculiarly distressing form
of ambiguity, whereby that expression stands indifferently
for two things, which, though essentially identical, are so
radically opposed one to the other as not to admit of being
-comprehended in a single conception. To explain : the con-
viction will assuredly have already forced itself upon the
reader, not so much as a result of explicit reasoning to that
effect as by the mere natural evolution of the argument as
•a whole, that the Eternal Consciousness has for content a
divinely glorious and everlasting muddle ; and that it is, in
truth, nothing less than what is described in the language
of the (public) schools as ' the Eternal Cussedness of things '.
Now * our consciousness ' may mean either of two things :
either a function of our animal organism, which is being
made, gradually and with occasional lapses into sense, a
vehicle of the Eternal Cussedness ; or that Eternal Cussed-
ness itself, as making the animal organism its vehicle, and
subject to certain limitations in so doing, but retaining its
essential characteristic of being in itself absolutely different
from what it itself is, in so far as it is in time.

And, finally, this proof of the identity of thought and thing
shows us the moral law as the very7 heart of reality. For while
the mere question of fact may be regarded as conclusively
settled by our argument, only in the light of ethical principle
does its true significance stand fully revealed. In other
words, what it all really means Goodness only knows.

V.— A TRIAD OF THE ABSOLUTE.

By H. DELE.

I.
*/2 "ON.

A contribution to the forthcoming Hegelian Hymnal.
(Republished by permission.) l

0 BEING for Self,

0 End of all Ends,
0 Something, 0 Nothing

Where everything blends !
Identical Absolute,

Thee we acclaim,
Though empty of Content

Thy vacuous Name.

True Sun of the Eealm,

Where the Bodiless move,
Insensible Object

Of Sensuous Love,
Sole Pattern supernal,

First Form without Stuff,
Why wasn't pure Being

Existence enough ?

Ah ! why did you suffer

The "slim" Demiurge
In endless Becoming

Your Being to merge.
Oh ! Where was your Novs ?

Oh ! What was the Good ?
You resemble the Babes

Who were lost in the Wood.2

1 From the Oxford Magazine. 2 v\jj.

16 H. DELE :

Oh ! why did you take

All the trouble and bother
Involved in becoming

A Manifold Other?
Ah ! now you are Many,

You find it such Fun,
You'll never go back

To the Form of the One.

II.
A BALLADE OF YE ABSOLUTE.1

For the usage of a Hegelian Nursery.

The Absolute was very High —
More high than seasoned game ;

" I have been kept too long," It said,
" Identically Same ".

The Absolute was very Broad —
It filled all Time and Space ;

It couldn't see Its Aspects — for
It hadn't got a face.

The Absolute lay very Low,

Veiled in a misty phrase ;
It was the only way, C d said,

To elongate Its days.

The Absolute lay very Deep

In protoplastic Sludge,
With metaphysic fumes replete

And philosophic Fudge.

In Self-identity Alone,

Sans Father, Wife, or Mother,
It sobbed, " It would console me to

Be Something or An Other ".

By Hegel's help It Was, and yet,
Its sad plight scarcely mended,

The fickle Elf returned to Self
Before Its hour was ended.

1 Bepublished from the Oxford Magazine.

A TEIAD OF THE ABSOLUTE. 17

The Absolute for once to be

Intelligible sighed ;
It read Itself in B y's book,

And then, poor soul, It died.

III.
THE COMPLAINT OF THE ABSOLUTE.1

Remote, unfriended, melancholy, slow,

More slow than words can say,
I Was, unmixed, unfeeling, without go,

A Hamlet minus play.

Incarnate Boredom, absolute Ennui,

Oyster shut tight in shell,
Devil-less, defecated deity,

Heaven unenhanced by Hell.

And then — it almost makes me disbelieve

My own Totality : —
Through my ' unlimited inwards ' passed a Heave

Of Spontaneity.

I felt a kind of Fidgets in my frame,

A twinge of Cosmic Schism ;
I felt a little Other than the Same,

A nascent Dualism.

Was it a humid Vortex-ring that stirred,

Or dim primordial Cell ?
The mirror of my consciousness was blurred,,

I — wasn't very well.

Then — I forget the manner of the birth

Distraught by this world's worries :
But there proceeded from me with fell mirth

A scheme of Categories.

They took and bound me in a causal Chain,

To cure my trend chaotic :
On Mother Hegel's Syrup fed, my brain

Feels still quite idiotic.

Then as an Aspect from me there exhaled

My own efficient Double,
Him Cause, Creator, Demiurge I hailed ;

He saves me all the trouble.

1 Cp. Pelican Record, vol. v., No. 6.

18 H. DELE : A TBIAD OF THE ABSOLUTE.

And They and He between them this world made

Of semblances and shows ;
And what the Deuce it means I am afraid

That no sane person knows.

I'm Everything and Nothing, here's my pain !

Supreme, yet on the Shelf !
When shall I be my own true I again,

Sweetly regarding Self ?

VI.— SPECIMENS OF THE CRITIQUE OF PURE ROT.

BY I. CANT.
FROM THE KEMAINS OF A PHILOSOPHER. 1

[Note : I must make time to translate the whole of this eye-opening
work, being deeply sensible that to publish such bare outlines as these
would do no justice to the author, especially in the matter of style, which
I have translated as mere English, sacrificing the profundity of the
original sentences that "have been measured by a carpenter," and whose
dragon-tailed involutions of many a winding bout both de- and im-press
the reader : he rightly judging that the effort of exegesis measures the
value of the meaning when discovered, and compensates its absence when
undiscoverable — labour being its own exceeding great reward : and which
style I do not despair of imitating with the help of a certain brownish
drench that I wot of : verb. sap. — S.T.C.]

CRITIQUE OF PURE ROT.

Preface.

EVERY new world-moving Philosophy is generated by a
new method. Now my method of seeing things as they
really are is to stand upon my head ; for the images of all
things being inverted on the retina, a man may by this
means, in a manner, correct the perversity of nature with-
out trusting to psycho-physiological processes that have the
double fault of being mechanical and empirical. If any one
think this an obvious device, I remind him of Copernicus
and the egg.

The method was, to be sure, suggested to me by a Scotch
philosopher's account of how the English open the eyes of
their children by making them " see London ". For one
brief moment, flashing over in a whirligig, they beheld the

1 It is known that Samuel Taylor Coleridge left much MS. (chiefly in
the margins of his friends' books) that is still unpublished. We take it
that this fragment was written in 1801, although (like Aristotle's works)
it contains ' anticipations ' that might suggest a later date ; and we con-
gratulate the readers of MIND ! upon obtaining in 1901 a synopsis of
doctrines so well calculated to initiate and direct the New Philosophy of
a, New Age. — ED.

20 i. CANT :

world in its true posture. This hint broke my dogmatic
slumber. It explained why London merchants over-reach
the rest of the world ; for in youth, under the name of City-
Arabs, they turn cart-wheels on the pavement, and thus
learn to see things in their true relations : no one can be
Lord-Mayor till he has turned 5,000 cart-wheels. Also
English aristocrats, brow-beating a demagogue, accuse him
of " turning everything upside down " : such is their antipathy
to popular education. But all this is English empiricism ;
whereas we begin with a petitio principii and proceed upon
universal and necessary assertions a priori.

Book I., Part I., Chapter I., Article I.

§ 1, etc. Now, to cut matters short, let us begin by inquir-
ing into the possibility of Kot in general. That Rot exists
you may take my word. And there are two kinds of it :
Damp Rot and Dry Rot, besides certain Fungoid Growths :
but how are such things possible in the best of possible
worlds ?

Damp Rot being nothing else than the corruption of
woody fibre, the possibility of it manifestly depends upon
the presence of C and H2O, into which the Manifold is re-
ceived and judiciously distributed.

H20, popularly called 'water,' is an intuition and not a
concept ; for all water is in water and not wider water.
Moreover, water is a priori, since without it there could be no
Damp Rot ; but painting in water-colours absolutely pre-
supposes water.

Similarly C is an intuition ; for to intuit a thing is to see
it. And the a priori necessity of C is given, in a manner, in
the bare possibility of Music in general.

Thus the only possible genesis of Damp Rot is demon-
strated as a synthetic construction in a pure heterogeneity.
Only splash in the Manifold and the thing is done.

Observe, finally, that whilst C and H20 are real as a matter
of fact, yet on reflexion they are unreal. You will see this
by standing on your head, and there is no other way of see-
ing it.

Book II. Transcendental Dodges of Blunderstanding , Part I.,
Chapter II., Article II.

§ 3. Well then, the possibility of Dry Rot depends on the
system of the pure Caterwaulings, which are functions of
Papperception, or Milk-for-babes.

SPECIMENS OF THE CRITIQUE OF PURE ROT.

To find the pure Caterwaulings need give us no trouble, as
we may conveniently take them from the newspapers, and
list them as follows : —

Quantity.

Quality.

Relation.

Modality.

Bottle

Imperialism

Paedagogue and Pupil

Ignorance

Half-bottles

Pro-Boerism

Praise and Profits

Prejudice

Bottle-and-a-half

The Closure

Log-rolling

Superstition

§ 4. Now there is a certain difficulty in applying these
Caterwaulings to phenomena, which is not felt in distributing
the Manifold within the province of Damp Eot. For if, as
a matter of Damp Kot, I perceive that a publisher is a fraud,
' publisher ' and ' fraud ' are homogeneous intuitions in the
synthesis of H.20. For H20, being a synthetic function of
Reason, is amenable to reasonable analysis, and (as the future
will know) whatever is convenient is reasonable. Hence, a
publisher being no doubt H (or homo), 20 is the symbol of his
fraud, meaning that he owes too much ; and such an appre-
hension of the facts is both easy and elegant.

But if, in the sphere of Dry Eot, I judge that a criticism in
MIND ! is praise, how can such heterogeneous elements be
brought together ? For the ' criticism ' is a given fact,
whereas ' Praise ' is pure Caterwauling. Now all such
difficulties are overcome by scheming and skirmishing with
C, which is the natural intermediary between pure Cater-
waulings and all phenomena.

§ 5. To apply the pure Caterwaulings to matter-of-fact
needs Imagination. This can surprise nobody ; for all
Philosophies are works of Imagination, or sportive essays
in the fine art of Reason. In this case we want Imagination
badly, and we will call it no mere imitative but ' productive
Imagination,' because that sounds better. The labourer
sings at his work ; and in the severe work of labelling
matters of fact with suitable Caterwaulings it is the function
of Imagination to represent the pure Caterwaulings by
generalised tunes in the form of C — that is, by the rhythms
of tunes, abstracting from their particular notes and all
heterogeneous sensuosity — such as a professor may hum
without being able to sing them. They are called Sing-songs,
and their correspondence with the Caterwaulings is exhibited
in the following table : —

22 i. CANT :

Caterwauling. Sing-song.

Bottle. The Leather Bottel.

Half-bottles. Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes.

Bottle-and-a-half. We Won't Go Home till Morning.

Imperialism. Rule Britannia.

Pro-Boerism. Down among the Dead Men.

The Closure. Donnybrook Fair.

Paedagogue and Pupil. Said the Old Obadiah to the Young Obadiah.

Praise and Profits. See the Conquering Hero.

Log-rolling. The same, hummed alternately forwards and

backwards.

Ignorance. Nobody Knows What I Know.

Prejudice. Sally in Our Alley.

Superstition. Home, Sweet Home 1

If with such incentives you can't stick the labels, I can't ;
and without standing on your head you will hardly be con-
vinced that they stick fast.

§ 6. However, the humming of these Sing-songs by way
of illustration may always be relied upon to enliven a lecture
and to fill the class-room of the dullest pedant. The Sing-
song of Log-rolling will be most effective if the professor,
instead of humming it forwards and backwards alternately,
shall hum it forwards and get his famulus to hum it back-
wards at the same time. This will illustrate the struggle for
existence and demonstrate the special applicability of the
third Caterwauling of Relation to Biology and social affairs.

§ 7. But further difficulties in applying the Cater waulings
to the Manifold may arise from not knowing which should
be applied to what ; so that whilst universally necessary they
are particularly contingent : but here again the Sing-songs
ought to help us. As to the Caterwaulings of Quality for
example — if hastily and erroneously you call a man as big as
yourself a Pro-Boer to the tune of Down Among the Dead Men,
and he closes with you to the tune of Eule Britannia, there is
a dead-lock whilst both sing Donnybrook Fair. Or again, in
the Caterwaulings of Quantity — if you think you have drunk
only Half-a-bottle, when in fact you have finished a Bottle-
and-a-half, there is an irresistible impulse to sing We Wont go
Home till Morning ; and the chances are that you will even be
late for breakfast,^ passing most of the interval in strict
seclusion, and arriving fresh from an interview with the
functionary at Bow Street. I shall show hereafter that the
blame for all such slips lies ultimately at the door of the
Unding-an-sich ; but it will not be of much use, as the Un-
ding's oak is always sported.

If after these illustrations any one fails to see how the
Sing-songs help us in inflicting the Caterwaulings upon

SPECIMENS OF THE CRITIQUE OF PURE ROT. 23

matters of fact, I can only say that it is a mystery hidden in
the depths of the soul.

Book II., Part I., Walpurgisnacht, Chapter I., Article II.

§ 1. The worst thing you can do, my young friend, is to
try to apply your blunderstanding to Ideas : it was never
designed for such use and is quite incompetent. For the
new dialectic shows that noumena, far from being the only
objects of real knowledge, are just the things that the
mind can't know. I cant.

Nevertheless, you can't help experimenting with Ideas;
and thereby are generated three Fungoid Growths.

Chapter II., First Fungus : the Common Mushroom.
§ 2. Traume eines Geistersehers. . . .

§ 3. Now all this fine confused thinking results from mis-
taking the Bottle of Papperception for Spirit per se.

Chapter III., Second Fungus : the Antilogistic Toadstool.
§ 3. Donnybrook Fair in vacuo, by our special Eeporter. . . ,

Therefore, A is both B and not-B. Q.E.D.

But if A is B, it is impossible to know anything ; and if it
is not-B, it is impossible to believe anything ; so since it is
both, tant pis.

§ 4. The ground, however, of these conclusions (equally
odd and inevitable) is, that we take A for granted ; whereas
per se it is not granted, but only Hay ; and to make hay of
A, or A of hay, is a solecism.

Chapter IV., Third Fungus.
§ 1. Die scholastische Gotterdammerung fa'ngt an. . . .

[Note : Angels and ministers of grace ! least said, soonest mended.
Indeed, there may be some things in this book which my friend Leighton
would hardly sanction : it deserves to be not only translated but edited.
Judicious commentators, however, will not be wanting : —

Wenn die Konige baun, haben die Karrner zu thun.1

— S.T.C.]

1 A translation that has been proposed for this verse : —

One fool makes many —
is more spirited than literal, and sacrifices urbanity to emphasis. — ED.

VII.— SOME NEW APHORISMS OF HERA-
KLEITOS.

TRANSLATED BY PROFESSOR HYDATI.

THE importance of these new fragments will be readily
understood when it is stated that they comprise no less than
44 dicta, while the total number of fragments of Herakleitos
previously known was only 130. They were discovered, of
course in Egypt, by Drs. Grenfell and Hunt, amid the ruins
of a Ptolemaic hydropathic establishment in the Fayuni, on
a palimpsest papyrus on which the rules of the institution
had subsequently been inscribed. The curious will not fail
to remark the irony of Fate whereby a water-cure both ex-
tinguished and preserved so much of the philosophy of Fire.
As might be expected from this state of affairs, the text is
frequently difficult, but the well-known scholarship of Prof.
Hydati puts the substantial accuracy of the translation of
these interesting fragments beyond all doubt. Their authen-
ticity also cannot be disputed : as Prof. Burnet well says,
' ' They have unquestionably the true Herakleitean ring ' ' .l On
the whole they are calculated only to deepen the impression,
and to confirm the interpretation, of his previously ascertained
doctrines. At the same time there is an engaging and out-
spoken modernity about some of the maxims, which seems
to indicate that much of the obscurity the ancients com-
plained of in Herakleitos may in reality have been due to
the prophetic character of his thought and his marvellous
prescience of modern conditions.

A. Personal Characteristics and Criticism of Society.

I had rather be right than a king.

2.
It is more difficult to bridle one's tongue than a lively donkey.

3.
I have sought myself — and caught a Tartar ! 2

1 Early Greek Philosophy, p. 138, note.

2 Only the first half of this saying was known before.

SOME NEW APHORISMS OF HERAKLEITOS. 25

I asked for Truth, and they gave me — History !

I sent my book to the Bodleian, but the Board of Faculty
did not read it — and granted me a degree !

Asses prefer the sweepings of the lecture rooms to my
•original researches.

7.
Dullards think deep the darkness they cannot see through.

•* What I can understand, I despise,' says Sophornoros.
Yet he wonders if I write obscurely.

The seriousness of folly needs to be scorched with the
inextinguishable laughter of the gods.

10.
(Only the witless will try to winnow the wit from the chaff.

11.

The * *-ians are worthy to be strung up man by man,
for that they drove away the best man among them, godlike
* *-os saying, ' Behold he is too clever for us V

12.

Since I gave him beans, Pythagoras has eaten no others.2

13.

The Sophists of the * * 3 teach badly ; else had they
not taught * * 3 to deride them.

1 Unfortunately the names are almost obliterated. If the remark is
the same as that quoted in Ritter und Preller (ed. 7), p. 24, § 22, b., the
•exiling of Hermodoros by the Ephesians must be referred to. But
Herakleitos was quite the man to express similar opinions on other
cases also.

2 The famous Pythagorean prohibition of beans, formerly supposed to
have a mystical significance, is now usually derived from a primitive
•taboo. This dictum, however, suggests a simpler explanation.

3 Barnes illegible.

26 HYDATI :

1.4.

Learning does not teach sense : else had it taught—
many whom the libel laws forbid me to mention.1

15.

They who seek for gold turn a ton of rock into dust
and get ten pennyweights.2

16.

The filleted soul is the best.3

17.

The mob must fight for its law as for its wall : but
the weakest go to the wall.4

B. The Game of Life and its Paradoxes.
18.

The World is a Demon's play, and all must play a game
that none may understand. But the wise play upon words.

19.

Of the gods man's understanding is misunderstanding.

20.
Life is a play, largely upon words.

21.

In waking we are asleep to our dreams to which we
wake in sleeping. And yet men will not credit dreams of
better worlds. 5

22.

They send expeditions to all places but to Hades, which
awaits them all and holds far more than they desire to know.6

23.

It is better to bury the body than the soul, and yet
men dread the one and think nothing of the other.

1 A more cautiously reticent version of a famous dictum.

2 Cp. jR.P., p. 35, § 36 b.

3 This allusion to the classical custom of adorning sacrificial victims
•with fillets seems to be a wonderful anticipation of the moral value oi
self-sacrifice.

4Cp. R.P., p. 38, § 40. 5Cp. ibid., p. 36, § 38. 6Cp. ibid*

SOME NEW APHORISMS OF HERAKLEITOS. 27

24.

Souls smell in Hades — would that bodies did not reek
on earth.1

25.

Dry souls are best — to burn.2

26.
The hidden jest is the best.3

C. The Flux, the Fire and the Union of Opposites.

27.

All things flow and nothing endures — except the rot that
is poured forth in the Schools.

28.

None can pass the same examination twice, and many
not even once.

29.

They are honoured and not honoured — they are gulphed.

,30.

The war 4 is the father of all things, but its paternity also
is a matter of opinion.

31.
One cannot love the same woman twice, nor most even once.

32.

Wisdom to all men is commons ; 5 for by them is nourished
high thinking.

33.

Three things are evil for thinking — rollers, chapels, and
battells ; for they dampen the ardour of students.

34.

Jesting and earnest are the same ; for out of jesting
comes earnest, and earnestness turns into jest.

1 Cp. R.P., p. 37, § 38 d.

2 Completes and makes sense of a well-known saying.

3 Cp. R.P., § 27. 4 6 TToXe/ior. 5 TO. |ui/a, cp. R.R, p. 35.

28 HYDATI I SOME NEW APHORISMS OF HEEAKLEITOS.

35.

"Pis the strain of the labouring bow that speedeth the arrow.

36.

Out of seriousness cometh forth mirth and into serious-
ness turneth again.

37.

Nay, but he who is wise will traverse the two ways together,
Mirthful in serious work, seriously aiming in mirth.1

38.

There is a way to lecture and a way not. But the drier
way is better than the damper.

39.

There is a way to lecture and a way from lecture ; and
the way to and the way from are the same : it is a short cut.

40.

The Eagle both feeds on the Vitals of Prometheus and
does not feed on his Vitals. For Prometheus does not die.
So also is the World consumed by the Fire and not consumed.

41.

When highborn dames catch Tunnies with a bait of gold,
then shall the Flux of Words be stayed, and what I mean be
manifest to all.

42.

The new lives in the death of the true, the true in the
death of the false, the false in the death of the new. Are not
truth, then, and falsehood the same ? And is not the new of
two things one, either itself false, or what renders all else
false ?

43.

Wit is the Phosnix who burns himself and is rekindled
from the ashes of his father.

44.

The way Up and the way Down is the same, namely the
Great Western.

1 These last aphorisms seem to be metrical, and indeed elegiacs. That
Herakleitos should have written poetry will surprise no one who realises
what difficulty he had to express himself in prose.

VIII.— PRE-SOCRATIC PHILOSOPHY.

BY LOKD PlLKINGTON (OF MlLKINGTON).

THEEE was a time before the teaching of philosophy had
taken the form of a dictation lesson, when students ventured
beyond the covers of their note-book and even attempted a
little dialectic on their own account. Small blame to them
if their Dialogue sometimes assumed a playful air, or if, in
those walks up Shotover or round the Hinkseys and the
' Happy Valley, ' which have lost their charm for cycling
Oxford of the present generation, they capped each other in
amoebean verse like Vergil's shepherds. As a remembrance
of these happier methods of study, which the publication of
MIND ! may do something to revive, we print, before they
are forgotten, a few fragments upon the Pre-Socratics which
originated under the conditions described.

Damon.

The Ionic philosophers trace
The World to a physical base : —

Thus while Thales sought a

First 'Apxh in Water
Anaximenes put Air in its place.

Pythias.

From the Concrete Xenophanes fleeing
Found the world to consist in pure Being ;
Said, 'IIav=*Ev;
And ' Gods ain't like men,
But all-thinking and hearing and seeing '.*

Damon.

Heracleitus said everything came

From a Strife which he sometimes calls Flame.

The illustrious Hegel

Thought this quite ' en regie,'
Meaning ' Seyn and Nicht-seyn are the same '.

1 See Hitter und Preller, p. 79, § 85.

30 LORD PILKINGTON : PRE-SOCRATIC PHILOSOPHY.

Pythias.

It's all very well when you're tight

To say that white's black, and black white ;

But this never will do,

As Parmenides knew,
For the Footpath which leads to the Right.1

Damon.

There was an old man of Abdera

Whose language grew queerer and queerer ;

With his Atv and his Kpaa-is

Arid other odd phrases
He perplexed the good folk of Abdera.

Pythias.

Pythagoras thought that Creation
Was a mere Arithmetic Relation,
Said ' you must not eat beans
By no manner of means,'
And believed in the Soul's Transmigration.

1 See Ritter und Preller, p. 88, § 94.

IX.-NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES.

I. — AN ApoBiA.1

JONES was a congenital genius, and we always expected he
would come to a bad end, poor fellow. Hence I was not
surprised to find that after an early marriage and a brief but
brilliant matrimonial career (including two pairs of twins and
a triplet), he should have taken up his residence in an asylum
which shall be nameless, but where I occasionally visit him.
The doctors consider him a hopeless case, but the chief thing
I can find the matter writh him is an excessive conscientious-
ness which unfits him for practical work and leads him to
raise scruples about what everybody else takes for granted.
For instance, the last time I saw him he startled me with a
fallacy which seemed to me not unworthy of mention by the
side of the Liar and the Crocodile.

Jones had been greatly depressed ; he declared himself
a murderer, and would not be comforted. Suddenly he
asked me a question. ' Are not the parents the cause of the
birth of their children?' said he. 'I suppose so,' said I.
4 Are not all men mortal?' 'That also may be admitted.'
' Then are not the parents the cause of the death of their
children, since they know that they are mortal ? And am I
not a murderer ? ' I was, I own, puzzled. At last I thought
of something soothing. I pointed out to Jones that to cause
the death of another was not necessarily murder. It might
be manslaughter or justifiable homicide. ' Of which of these
then am I guilty?" he queried. I could not say because I
had never seen the Jones family, but I hear Jones has become
a great bore in the asylum by his unceasing appeals to every
one to tell him whether he has committed murder, man-
slaughter, or justifiable homicide !

Curiously enough, when I told the tale to a learned friend
of mine, he showed me what appears to be a new fragment
of Plato's Lysis, on an Egyptian papyrus recently discovered.
It distinctly anticipates Jones in its statement of the prob-

1 Cp. Pelican Record, vol. iv., No. 4.

32 NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES.

lem, and testifies aloud to the saying that there is nothing
new under the sun, and that truth is eternal.

S. Whom then, Lysis, do you consider your best friends,.
and love most? L. My father and my mother, as is most
fitting. S. Why do you so love them? L. Both for other
reasons and because they are the cause of my living. S. And
does that seem to you a great benefit ? L. Surely the greatest
of all. S. What then do you esteem the greatest evil ? L.
Of all evils death seems to me the greatest and most hateful.
S. Then you would not love those who are the cause of your
coming death (TOV /xeXXoz/ros Oavdrov), if you knew them ?
L. That is impossible. S. And what would you call those
who knowingly cause the death of others? L. Evil-doers
and murderers. S. You would not call them your friends ?
L. Certainly not ; for did you not convince me that a friend
does good only to his friend, and not evil. S. And yet per-
haps, Lysis, you escape your own notice loving your own
murderers, and thinking them your greatest friends. L. I
do not understand you, Skoptades. S. Tell me, Lysis, are
not all men mortal? L. Assuredly. S. Then all who are
born must also die? L. Of course. S. And if any one
knowingly put you in a place where you must die, such as a
desert island or a den of lions, would you not consider him
the cause of your death? L. Most certainly I should. S.
But have not your parents done this very thing to you? L.
How so ? S. Did you not say that they were the authors of
your being in a world where you must die ? -L. So it would
appear. S. And does it not follow that they are the authors
of the greatest evil, namely death, and not friends, but mur-
derers ? L. By Zeus, Skoptades, the argument has turned
out a most unholy one. S. And the worst of it is that we
do not yet know what is a friend and whom we ought to love
most. . . .

This then is the aTropia of the Lysis ; but what is the Xu<rt?
of the ajropia ?

II. — A SEQUEL TO THE REPUBLIC.*

The following interesting fragment of a Platonic dialogue
has been found on a papyrus recently discovered in the belly
of an ancient crocodile of literary tastes, which Messrs.

1 This is the MS. reading, but 2QKPATH2 surely must be intended.

2 Cp. Pelican Record, vol. v., No. 5.

NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 33

Grenfell and Hunt have imported from Egypt. With their
leave we publish a translation, which will doubtless be recog-
nised as the most important addition to our knowledge of
Plato's lost writings since the recovery of the fragment of the
Lysis printed above.

SfiKPATHS, KE&AA02, HAATflN.

Soc. Methinks, Plato, I see Kephalos hastening round the
corner into yonder side-street. Will you not quickly run
after him and tell him that it is not good for a man at his
age to be in such haste, and that moreover we have seen him,
and that he cannot escape us, since there is no thoroughfare
at the other end ?

Plato. Assuredly, Socrates, I will put on my running
foot.

Soc. I hail thee, Kephalos, breathless though I am. It
seems to me a long time since I met you. Indeed I do not
think I have seen you since we visited you at your house on
the festival of Bendis and had a famous argument on tha
nature of Justice.

Keph. I think you are right.

8. It was a great pity you did not stay and listen to the
whole argument.

K. I had to go out and attend to some domestic matters.

S. You said it was a sacrifice.

K. You are right again, Socrates, as I now remember,

S. It must have been a very long sacrifice.

K. The argument, too, was very long, I have heard.

S. Nevertheless, you would have enjoyed it. But it does
not matter ; Plato here has written it all out beautifully and
he shall send you a copy. You deserve it in return for the
drinks wherewith we kept up our spirits in the long search
for justice.1

K. I thank you both.

S. And now, Kephalos, while we accompany you home to
the Piraeus, I want to ask you concerning a point which I was
eager to inquire into when last we met, but which escaped my
notice owing to your 2 having raised the question of justice.
It is this. You are rich, are you not ?

K. Moderately so.

S. To whom then do you intend to leave your riches when
you die ?

K. To my children, of course.

1 There is no mention of them in the existing MSS. of the Republic.

2 Our traditional account hardly bears this out.

34 NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES.

S. I thought you would say this. But tell me why you
propose to do this ?

K. Because they stand first in my love, I suppose.

S. Ah ! I am afraid, Kephalos, that is impossible.

K. Are you not escaping your own notice talking non-
sense ?

S. I wish I were. But it really is impossible and contrary
to nature for you to love your own children first.

K. How so ?

S. You must first love other people's children and then
your own.

K. I do not understand you.

S. How can you, being a man, have children of your own
to love until you have first loved the children of others ? l

K. By Zeus, Socrates, you are right. For he alone of the
gods could do what you say, if indeed he was the only parent
of Athena.

S. You agree then that it is absurd to love your own
children first, and on this account to leave the money to
them rather than to those of others?

K. I suppose so.

S. Consider this also. Do you not wish good to your
children ?

K. Of course.

S. Then you do not wish that they should get that which
would harm them ?

K. Certainly not.

S. But are not good things bad for the bad ?

K. Very likely.

S. Then wealth being a good thing in itself will be bad
for the bad ?

K. This we see in many cases.

S. In proportion then as your children are bad it will
harm them to have wealth?

K. So at least the argument shows.

S. You ought not therefore to leave your wealth to them.

K Would you have me leave it to my enemies ?

S. Not at all.

K. To whom then ?

S. To those to whom the intrinsically good is really good.

K. Are you thinking of yourself, Socrates ?

S. Have you never heard of my Little Demon

1 An indignant scholiast — probably an Alexandrine — has here written
in the margin, ' Look at the Greek, Socrates ; look at the Greek '. But
Socrates was 110 doubt quite capable of using (fri\elv in the sense
of [epav.

NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 35

And would not the wealth which benefited me do harm to
Xanthippe ?

K. I doubt whether she would get much of it.

S. Even if I took care to prevent this, would it not make
her temper worse to think of me spending my wealth in the
the pursuit of the beautiful ?

K. Your pursuit would always be in vain.

S. That is why I am a philosopher. Still, as you know,
we Athenians <j)i\oKa\ov/jL6v per eureAetW1

K. So I have observed. But will you not finish telling me
to whom I ought to leave my wealth ?

S. Most willingly. Do you know Plato here ?

K. Yes, and I have long desired to ask him whether he
be truly the son of Apollon as well as the descendant of
Poseidon. He certainly looks it.

S. Hush ! you see how he blushes. Plato, let me tell you,
is about to found an Academy, the first there has been, and
the most famous there ever will be. How better could you
bestow your wealth than by giving it to Plato's Academy ?

K. I would rather leave it to Xanthippe !

S. Even if we promise you immortality of fame ?

K. Y"ou are far more likely to confer an eternity of infamy.
However, I will do what you ask on one condition, and that
is that you, Plato, should write down this conversation
exactly as it occurred, in order that men may know whether
Socrates always got the better in words of those he con-
versed with.

P. I agree, Kephalos.

S. And I no less ; I will this time content myself with
getting the better in deeds, if only they be good.

III. — CONGEATULATIONS.2

SflKPATHS, XAPMIAHZ.

Socrates. What ho ! Charmides, whither away ?

Charmides. Excuse my haste, Socrates, if I cannot stay to
converse with you.

S. Why, what is the matter ?

C. Have you not heard that Milanion is to be married
to-morrow, and that he has asked me to help him prepare
for the occasion ?

S. Every word of this is news indeed.

1 Love the beautiful on the cheap.

2 Cp. Peliccm Record, vol. v., No. 6.

36 NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES.

C. Well, then, come with me now and congratulate
him.

S. Come with you I will and with pleasure, going third
myself. But whether I should congratulate Milanion de-
serves further inquiry.

C. Why, he is the happiest of mortals, and not even you
could argue him out of this belief !

S. Or thinks he is. But tell me why ; who is the
cause ?

C. He has a good one. He is going to marry Atalanta.

S. What, Atalanta, the daughter of Atlas! (Whistles.)
You astonish me.

C. Yes, it surprised us all. Not of course that he should
be in love with her — they all were that. But even now I
can hardly understand why she took him. For does it not
seem strange that the fairest, noblest, richest, and cleverest
girl in Greece should choose Milanion, who, though an
honest fellow enough and a great friend of mine, is only
very moderately endowed in all these respects?

S. Is she not also the fastest girl in Greece?

C. Oh, yes, fast enough to catch or to get away from us
all. But that makes it all the absurder that she should
actually marry a Milanion after rejecting all the best men
by the dozen !

S. Yes, I have heard that was her custom. But tell me,
were you also among her victims ?

C. No, Socrates ; how can you think that ? I could never
have put up with a girl that gave herself such airs. Still I
confess I was a little piqued that she would never take any
notice of me, who am, as you know, generally considered to
be somewhat fascinating myself.

S. I should be the last person in the world to deny that.
But you and Atalanta would clearly never have got on
together. You are both too megalopsychic, and you know
that two of a trade never agree.

C. Still she might have chosen some one less common-
place than Milanion. He is frightfully in love with her
of course, and by nature kind and obliging and capable of
any amount of devotion, but somehow it does not seem
fitting that so glorious a girl should throw herself away
like that. Can you understand it?

S. Perhaps you have escaped your own notice answering
your own question.

G. How so ?

S. Did you not say that he loved her exceedingly ? Per-
haps she loves to be loved.

NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 37

C. You may be right. Certainly, you never saw anything
so absurd. He calls her his only goddess, and positively
worships her.

5. What you now say, Charmides, makes me certain that
I must not go on and congratulate Milanion.

C. Why not, Socrates?

S. The poor fellow can never be happy.

C. Not even with a visible goddess of his own selection,
whom he can be with always?

S. Just because of the advantages you mention.

C. I do not understand.

S. Do you believe in the gods, Charmides ?

C. Of course I do, like every one else.

S. Then you worship them ?

C. Certainly, whenever it is convenient.

S. And do you spend a long time every day in worshipping
them?

C. Not perhaps a very great part of the day. Still I never
pass an image of Zeus or Athene or Aphrodite without
showing them the proper respect.

S. You would . not, however, think of worshipping the gods
all day long ?

C. Well, perhaps that would be a little tiresome.

S. Nor would you wish to worship at the same shrine
always ?

C. No ; I thank the gods often that they are many.

S. And yet, Charmides, you thought Milanion would be
happy because he could be with his goddess always and
worship the same for ever.

C. I had not thought of what you now persuade me.

S. It seems then that it is not good to worship always, and
that I must not congratulate Milanion.

C. So it would seem.

S. And we must consider this also, whether it is good to
be worshipped, and whether T may congratulate Atalanta.

C. At all events you should go there and try, Socrates. It
is worth going a long way to see Atalanta, especially if one
has not yet seen her. And if one has, it seems still better
worth going. She, moreover, will be glad to see you. I
have often heard her say that she thought you must be the
funniest old thing in Athens, and that she wished you would
not confine your conversations to young men and, well,
women like Diotima the Mantinean.1

S. You see how even my virtue may be misconstrued !

^p. Symposium, 201 D.

38 NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES.

Nevertheless I will go, if I can make sure that she deserves
my congratulations. But I greatly fear she does not. .

C. Why?

S. To be worshipped always is perhaps still more difficult
than to worship always, especially for one human and, in
addition, a woman.

C. That seems a hard saying, and I hope you will explain it.

S. Willingly. Would you not allow that all things in the
world have their proper excellence, and only then deserve to
be called good when they act in accordance with it ?

C. Certainly, seeing that I cannot hinder it.

S. Then I suppose a god also must have his proper virtue
or excellence ?

C. Perhaps.

S. What then would you say it was ?

C. To be as divine as possible.

S. And what would you say was the proper excellence of
man?

C. To be human and to think human things.

S. Very good. Then is it part of the divine excellence to
walk about and go to market like a man ?

C. That would be ridiculous. A god must stay unruffled
on his pedestal and look dignified.

S. And if a man behaved similarly, what would you think ?

C. I should think it very unseemly.

S. And do you not think that he would also find it very
uncomfortable to be always raised aloft on a pedestal in all
weathers, and to live so splendid and holy a life ?

C. By Zeus he would, especially when the young men
came to paint him red.

S. And do you think a girl would find this more agreeable ?

C. She might at first, but, I fancy, would soon grow weary.

S. Aye, and run away with the first man that was strong
enough to lift her off her pedestal, even though he was a
brutal athlete or an irreverent fellow of the baser sort.

C. I think you are very likely right.

S. Was it not then a reasonable girl who answered Nausi-
knides the Philosopher, desiring to marry her, that she could
not live so high up in the air, nor was she fit to consort with
a god?

C. I suppose she saved herself and him much misery.

S. It seems then that it is contrary to her proper nature
for Atalanta to be treated as a goddess, and that, if he does
this, Milanion will only make her miserable, whichever
happens, while not becoming happy himself.

C. By Athene, that is the most sensible and consoling

NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 39

thing that has yet been said about this unhappy affair ! Of
course you must not congratulate Atalanta. We must try to
save her. I will go therefore and tell her what you say. I
am sure she will be grateful to you for saving her from so
terrible a fate. And the next time you meet her, I should
not wonder if she kissed you.

S. I think, Charmides, you are too hasty and not yet
accustomed to regard these matters philosophically. At any
rate do not forget to tell Atalanta that you love her far more
than Milanion ever could. As for me, I should prefer not to
be kissed by her nor to be mentioned by you ; indeed, I
would almost rather meet Xanthippe than Atalanta, after
you have told her all this — if she really loves Milanion.

X.— THE LADIES' ARISTOTLE.

I. — THE GEEAT-SOULED WOMAN.

THIS interesting new fragment of Aristotle has recently been
published in the Proceedings of the Society for Megalopsychical
Research, and we have obtained permission to republish it
for the benefit of the readers of MIND ! J Internal evidence
leaves no doubt of its authenticity, and though in the present
unenlightened state of public opinion it is hardly possible to
divulge the methods whereby it was obtained, it may con-
fidently be predicted that all students of Aristotle will at
once recognise what a gap it fills in the Ethics of that great
thinker, and how completely it disposes of the notion that
his work was intended for men only.

' Concerning the megalopsychic man, then, let so much
have been said. But it follows to speak concerning the mega-
lopsychic woman, not indeed worthily, but as a mere man
may. For as we said before, it is the part of the 'Varsity
man (rov TreTraiSev/jievov2) to demand only such exactness
(eVt, Toaovrov Ta/cpiftes e'jri^relv) as is compatible with the
subject, but of the megalopsychic woman 10,000 mathema-
ticians would demand exactness in vain.

' She produces indeed no slight aporia in other respects
also, first of all, whether she exist or not. But we say that
the actuality (evepyeiav) is prior to the potentiality (S
it is absurd therefore that the fairest form (Kd\\io-rov
of female virtue should not exist in actuality in a cosmos
wherein all things are as lovely as they can be.3

' Likewise it is objected to her that in the matter of virtue
she is unlike the other so-called virtuous women, but wit-
tingly or unwittingly such people say nought (ovSev \eyovo-i).
For it has been laid down that great-souledness is greatness in
all the virtues, and this the megalopsychic woman possesses.
For she does all things for the sake of the Beautiful (Sia TO
Ka\6v), and only those possessing complete virtue do this.

1 Cp. also The Pelican Record, vol. v., No. 2, p. 45.
2Cp. Eth. NIC., i., 3, 4. 3Cp. ibid., i., 9, 5.

THE LADIES' AKISTOTLE. 41

'It is necessary therefore that she should be not only
supremely good, but also surpassingly beautiful.

' Now this is the reason why she is so rare ; for it is by
nature difficult to be beautiful, and still more to remain so
throughout a perfect life.1 And even by art it is not possible
to be beautiful much beyond the limits of one's given material

(^).

' But it is easy to see that from her beauty, being one, all
the other excellences and goods follow of necessity. For her
beauty is the whole of virtue viewed in relation to others

{eV Tft> 7T/J09 6T€pOV2).

1 Hence she will appear witty and wise and generous and
temperate to all who behold her. And what appears to all,
that we say is (a jap Trdat, $orcel ravr1 elvai (f)a/jL€v 3).

' And further, all the external goods will be added to her.
Whether indeed she should have a husband is disputed (if
indeed a husband be a good of any sort), but it is evident
that she can have as many as she desires, and that she will
not lead a solitary life (fiiov fjuovcorrj^). Nor will she lack
honours, though no honour could possibly be worthy of her
complete excellence.4 And nobility and great wealth also
will be hers, whether she acquire them with her husband or
from those who seek to honour her.

' Thus she will be able to exhibit the virtue of Magni-
ficence also, though her entertainments will be few and
great and much talked about, rather than many and petty.
Nevertheless she will frequent entertainments of all sorts,
for she would prefer to enjoy intense pleasure for the season
rather than a prolongation of the humdrum, and to live one
year fashionably rather than many obscurely.5

' Nevertheless she will think lightly of them, nor will she
talk to women ; wherefore she will seem to look down upon
all.0

' In matters of dress however her taste will be perfect, and
avoiding the extremes both of excess and defect, she will
wear neither too much nor too little, but the right amount
to display her beauty, in accordance with the due propor-
tion (fcara rov opOov \6yov). And on this account also she
must be beautiful, for without beauty it is not easy to bear
gracefully the "happy creations" of the dressmaker ((pepew
•€/jL/jL€\a)s ra evrv^jj/jLara7).

'Wherefore also she will be tall and with a good figure

aCp. Eth. Nic., L, 7, 16. 2Cp. ibid., v., 1, 20.

^Cp. ibid., x., 2, 4. 4Cp. ibid., iv., 3, 17.

5Cp. ibid., ix., 8, 9. 6Cp. ibid., iv., 3, 18.
7Cp. ibid., iv.,3, 21.

42 THE LADIES' AEISTOTLE.

(for beauty implies stature, and tiny women may be neat
and symmetrical but not beautiful1). And indeed that her
body should be great is necessary also on account of the
greatness of her soul. For the soul is intended by nature to
rule the body, and it would be unworthy of a great soul to
rule a small body.

' And moreover her walk will be slow and stately, and her
voice measured and thrilling 2 ; it would not befit her to lift
up her skirts and run,3 except for the sake of something
glorious and beautiful, like Atalanta.

' But whether she will be in love, it is not easy to say*
For on the one hand love seems to be of the goods, but on
the other, whom should she love ? For love is the part of
the inferior who cannot sufficiently honour his superior,4 but
the megalopsychic woman has no superior. But if some say
that she should love the megalopsychic man, we reply that
no one could possibly do that. Wherefore it is more fitting
that she should receive the love and honour of all she looks
upon, but without loving them in return. For why should
she ? That would be absurd (arojrov yap).

1 It remains therefore that the megalopsychic woman is a
lover, not of others, but of herself, because of the BeautifuL
And, as has been said,5 Self-love is good, and being good, the
megalopsychic woman must love herself (Set (fruXavrov elvcu).
But not like the many (&>? 6' ol TTO\\OI ov xptf), for they are
not beautiful. And thus she will plainly be self-sufficing,
and also beautiful, and yet have many friends to display
the happiness of her life (et? eTrtSeifiv T% evbainovias).

1 Nevertheless she will sacrifice them all, and her husband
and her children, and her wealth and her health, for the
sake of the Beautiful. Aye, and if need be, she will even
die for the sake of it, choosing it in preference to all else,
and attributing a greater share of it to herself than to others.6
If indeed she should become involved in the old age and
misfortunes of a Hecuba,7 and should not escape her own
notice losing her beauty, her happiness would be impaired
and she would become miserable (adxla) : but this is not
probable (dX\' OVK

PS. At the last moment we find, from a note for which
we are indebted to Prof. Stewart's unsurpassed Aristotelian
learning, that a totally different view is taken in the Magna

JCp. Eth. NIC., iv., 3, 5. 2Cp. ibid., iv., 3, 35.

3 Cp. ibid., iv., 3, 15. 4 Cp. ibid., viii , 8, 4-5.

5Cp. ibid., ix., 8, 11. *Cp. ibid., ix., 8, 9.
7 Cp. ibid., i., 10, 14.

THE LADIES' ARISTOTLE. 48

Moralia of the megalopsychic woman, which shows that
the later Aristotelians were incapable of sustaining the lofty
ideal of feminine perfection which their master had put
before them. The curious may look for the original of the
appended translation on page 540 of the first volume of Prof.
Stewart's Notes on the Nicomachean Ethics : —

' Enough has now been said about the Great-souled man.

' The Great-souled woman remains, and causes difficulty :
for the question has been raised whether Woman has a soul.
The Girl-Undergrad of Euripides indeed says, "In Hockey
is my soul," thus declaring plainly that the soul is not an
essential principle within her, but an accident without.
Perhaps however it would be too unkind and heterodox to
maintain absolutely that Woman has no soul ; but how% on
the other hand, can she be Great-souled, if Greatness of soul
is the ornament of its possessor and causes him to speak
with a deep voice, whereas

' " Silence is the ornament of Woman " ?

' Moreover, Man conquered at Olympia,1 but Woman never,
which makes a great difference ; and if a great difference,
then a difference in respect of that which is essential — the
soul. Therefore, since Man is Great-souled, it follows that
Woman is not Great-souled.

' So much for the conclusion which follows logically.

' We might also consider the subject physically, taking
account of the Nature of Things : but the inquiry would be
very tedious ; for, as Homer says in the Margites,

' " The world is full of a number of things ".

* We have said enough, however, to show that the Woman
mentioned above is an Impossible Woman.'

ED., MIND !

II.— THE BRAVE WOMAN.*

It is with no slight gratification that we continue the
publication of the better half of the Ethics, viz., that devoted
to showing howT the acerbities of masculine virtue must be
modified and mitigated to fit the delicacies of feminine
idiosyncrasy. The ' brave woman ' is not, indeed, cast in
so heroic a mould as the megalopsychic paragon of feminine
excellence, nor does Aristotle so obviously surpass the limits
of scientific sobriety in describing her ; but no one can read
his account without feeling that Aristotle is here exhibiting

1 Cp. Eth. Nic., vii., 4, 2. 2 Cp. Pelican Record, vol. v., No. 4.

44 THE LADIES' ARISTOTLE.

in its full profundity that subtle comprehension of feminine
character which he derived from his life-long observation and
varied matrimonial experience. Plato, assuredly, could never
have written thus, and even the wisdom of Solomon pales in
comparison !

1 The brave man then, as has been said, preserves the
Mean between rashness and cowardice with respect to the
grounds of fear and confidence, attaining the Beautiful in
war, not without pleasure if he be successful, even though
not without painful exertion. Whence a difficulty arises
whether women also are to be considered brave, and if so,
how.1

'For some indeed maintaining an absurd thesis contend
that, rightly trained, women are in no wise less brave than
men, being inferior in strength alone,2 and as illustrations
adduce Amazons and Spartan women and if any elsewhere
among other barbarians take part in war. Wherefore also
the investigation has become very invidious, owing to friends
of ours introducing lady guardians,3 who desire eagerly to
share in political rights. Nevertheless it would seem better,
and even necessary, in order to save the constitution, to up-
set even one's own household (KCLITQI So^eiev av &elv eVt
(TWTrjpia rye TT?? TroXtreta? /cal rrji> oliceiav oliclav avaipelv), and
even though we be philosophers to prefer truth to politeness,
even where women are in question, maintaining stoutly that
their courage is other than that of men.4

* It is needful therefore to reject such paradoxes, leaving
alone the legendary Amazons and remembering how the
boasted Spartan women behaved5 during the Theban in-
vasion ; while as for the barbarians, it does not befit a
cultivated man to expect exactness in all the plausible tales
which are told about them.6

' But the nature of feminine bravery will become clear if
we inquire more physically what is most terrible to them,
and wherein the beauty of their bravery shines out most.

' For just as the Good is not one and the same for all, but
different things are good and terrible by nature for men and
for fishes — for fishes indeed water is good and air bad, but

anopfrai e Ka ray yvvakas vpeas i/o/LUtrre'oi/, Ka 7ra>£.
2 A plain but polemical reference to Plato, Rep., 452 foil.
0 Aio Kal \iav Trpoo-dvTrjs yfyevrjrai rj £r)Tr)o~is 810. TO (pi\ovs civdpas flaayaydv
TCIS <pv\aKas, (r<p68pa fiovho/JLevas fiere^eii/ TOV ap-^fLv Kal apxe(rdai.
4Trjv dvftpfiav Ire pay elvat TOV dv8peiov. Cp. Etll. Nic., i., 6, 1.

5 Tots /JLCV }Ji.€p,v0o\oyr)p.evas 'Apagovas e&vras \aLpcLv. Cp. Politics^ ii., 9,

, b. oo.

6 'Ej/ Tols Tn6avo\oyovfji(vois nfpl avraiv. Cp. Etfl. Nic., i., 3, 4.

THE LADIES' ABISTOTLE. 45

for men, contrariwise,1 so, too, the terrible is not the same
for men and for women, and the habit of the brave woman
is so called by analogy. For their work is different, and
virtue is relative to work.2

' Neither do those say well who maintain that the bravery
of women is relative to their amusement (ireuSia), instanc-
ing such as fearlessly carry many talents' worth of jewels into
a crowded theatre. For the Good is earnest 3 and as Hesiod
says :—

' " Life is real, life is earnest ".

It is manifest, therefore, that the Good not even of woman
is attained in amusement, but in work. Now in man's case
his work is admittedly to live well and act well as a citizen,
but about woman they dispute, though a work she must
have, if she be not by nature devoid of a share in human
excellence.4 Now the many say it is to look well and dress
well, with whom also Homer agrees, declaring that

' "Variegated dresses are the work of women," 5
and

'"Dresses, thin, of fine fabric which are the work of
women ".6

But men of the world and of repute say rather it is house-
keeping and the bearing of lawful children. Or, should we
add, the capacity to call and to be called on ? 7

'About what things then concerned with their work are
women brave ? About death in housekeeping ? But this
is absurd, for of this no one dies, except by accident. Or in
childbirth? But this all fear, being human, unless indeed
one should be mad or without sensibility, as they say some
of the barbarians are.8 Nor indeed is there anything beauti-
ful in such a death.

' It remains, therefore, that the fear in regard to which a
woman is called brave should be loss of reputation (aSogia)?
For this is most terrible to every sensible woman. But the
brave woman nevertheless will run the risk of this, doing
10,000 things contrary to custom, for the sake of the Beauti-

1 Kaflcnrep yap rayaBbv ovx e"> ovdt TOVTO iraatv, dAAa erf pa ayaQa KOI (po&fpa
<pv(TfL dvdpatirois KOL l\6vcri. — TOIS p,ev yap vdwp dyaObv <al drjp KUKOV, rols 5°
evavTiws. Cp. Eth. Nic., vi., 7, 4.

2 To yap epyov erepoi/, 17 8' aperr) npbs TO epyov.

3 To -yap ayadbv anovdalov.

EtVep JJLTJ TTjS dvdpCOTTLKIjS dpfTTJS flfJLOlpOS 7T((pVK€. Cp. Eth. NlC., 1., 13, 14.

6IIe'7rXoi Tra^iTTOiKiXoi e'pya yvvaiK&v. Iliad, vi., 289.
7"H

., vii., 96. 7"H n-poo-tfereoi/ TO dvvaaOat Ka\flv KOI Ka\fl<r&ai ;

Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 7, 7. 9Cp., ibid., iii., 7, 1.

46 THE LADIES' AEISTOTLE.

ful. Not but what she will fear such things, but she will
fear them as she should, and when, and where, and as is
reasonable : and she who will endure them for the sake of
the Beautiful is truly brave and intrepid for a woman.1

' Whereas she who exceeds in fearlessness hardly exists,
even though there are some who do not fear even a divorce,
as they say of certain of the Hyperatlanteans.2 And she is
nameless — for indeed it will not do to mention names — being
also very rare ; yet might one call her a " bold bad " woman.3

' For the most part, however, women incline rather to the
opposite extreme of excessive fear of the customary, and follow
all the fashions slavishly ; for to be cut is painful, and more
than flesh and blood can bear.4 And the woman who has this
vice also is without a name ; but she seems to be a conven-
tional sort of woman.5

' It appears then that feminine courage is a kind of social
virtue.6 For women endure the fashions on account of the
penalties arising from the customs and reproaches and
honours.7 There are, however, five spurious habits which
are not truly courage, though in virtue of them many women
will do brave things, and set many customs at defiance.

' Of these the woman brave from experience is most like
the brave woman proper.8 For having the eye from ex-
perience, she sees the many inanities of social life,9 and
being capable of using her dresses well, she knows best how
to behave with a view to doing and not suffering,10 and
appears brave because the others do not know how things
are.11 But they are not truly brave, and show cowardice
whenever the struggle grows too severe and they are left
behind in the matter of dress and adornments,12 like the

1 Ov fjLTjv ciXXa TO. TOiavra (pofirjacTai, cos del de, KOI ore, KOI ov, KOI cos 6
Xdyos. Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 7, 2.

2 This must be an allusion to a lost fragment of Plato's myth of the
Lost Atlantis (cp. the Gritias}. There cannot be in it any prophetic
anticipation of Chicago.

3 Qpa&VKaKTjv. This is a ciira£ Xfyopevov.

4 To yap KOTTTeadai aXyeivov, e'lrrep crapxii/at, ovde virofj.evT)T€OV. Cp. Eth.
Nic., iii., 9, 3.

5 <£cu i/ercu 8e vofjiifjLT) TIS. 6 HoXiTiKT] TLS dpeTT) (paivfTai ova-a.
7Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 8, 1.

8Tovrcoy fjitv ovv f) 6Y (fj,7rfipi.av /zaXiora co/iotcorai rfj

9 E^ovcra yap CK TTJS efiTreipias TO o/x/za TO. re TroXXa Keva rov TroXtriKot) @iov

Cp. Eth. Nic., vi., 11, 7, and iii., 8, 6.

10Kai 8vvap,evT] xpfja-dai. rots TreVXois, TTCOS fxfiv ^f* Trpoy TO iroirjo-ai KOI Trpbs
TO fj.r) TraOflv KpaTio-Ta oldev. Cp. Eth. Nic.t iii., 8, 7.
11 Cp. ibid., iii., 8. 6.
2 Orav VTrepTflvrj 6 dytov /cm XeiVcoi/rai rots TreTrXoip <al rais

Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 8, 9.

THE LADIES' AEISTOTLE. 47

Indian woman who went to the sacred festival thinking she
would be the most beautifully arrayed, but finding that a
richer was present, fled, casting away her arms.

1 And very near to her comes she who thinks much of her-
self on account of good birth or wealth. For she also will
do many things to please herself without loss of reputation,
like Dido.1

* And further, she who acts in ignorance will appear brave
without being so, as, for instance, the Milesian woman wrho
asked the Great King to marry her, and when he said he
was too old, apologised by saying she thought he was his son.
The woman, however, mentioned above, who wears her jewels
in a crowd, is not brave through ignorance, as some say, but
truly virtuous. For she acts thus for the sake of the Beauti-
ful (Sta rb /caXbv), and all who do this are virtuous.

' Then too a woman when in love will do many brave
things, and this form of courage seems to be most natural
(</>ucrfc«:6)TaT77 &' eoi/c€v T] &ia rev €po)Ta elvai).2 But she acts
from emotion (rrdOos] and not on account of the Beautiful,
nor in accordance with the right proportion (Kara rbi> opOov
\oyov}.

' Again, she who acts from shamelessness is not brave ;
since in that case Phryne was brave in the dicastery, and such
things as they tell of French women (eirel ovrco 7' 77 <frpvvrj
avSpeia TJV ev rc5 SifcaarTjpia) Kal oldirep, fyaai, r«9 KeXra?).3

' Of feminine bravery then, let so much have been said,
little indeed compared with the material which the subject
affords, but much compared with what is seemly. ' 4

III. — MAEEIAGE.

The following fragment, which is clearly derived from the
same source as the two former, seems to belong to the First
Book of the Ethics. Prof. Susemeal has suggested that it
should be inserted after the eleventh chapter, but in some
respects it would fit in better before the tenth. It discusses
the systematic position of Marriage in its bearings on EvSai-
Hovla with Aristotle's customary acuteness. In the traditional
form of the Ethics this important subject is only just touched
upon, and this fact alone would render the new fragment
a welcome addition to Aristotle's masterpiece.

1 The MSS. vary as to the spelling of the name, the best reading ' Dodo,'
and another 'Dado1. The name itself is, of course, the same, being
merely the feminine of Dod (David).

2Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 8, 12. 3Cp. ibid., iii., 8, 11.

4 Upbs p.ev TT/V VTroKfifj.fvrjv oXiya, npos §e TTJV fv(T\rjfjioa'vvr]v TroXXa, supply-
ing v\r)v rather than ywalica with v

48 THE LADIES' ARISTOTLE.

' Next in order it follows to consider Marriage, not indeed in
general — for that would belong to another and more painful
inquiry, and we may assume such things as the mathema-
ticians commonly prove concerning it, as that it requires at
least two (eo-riv ev eXa^crrot? bvaiv) and external goods and
opportunity and the rest.

' But how it stands (?rco9 e%et) in relation to Happiness it is
fitting to consider, both for other reasons and because it is
thought to be a good and to contribute not a little to Hap-
piness. To many however, owing to the defect of human
nature and the vicissitudes of fortune, it seems rather to be
an evil, or at least disputable, so that it befits the prudent
man to bethink him of the much quoted (7ro\vdpv\7jr6v)
Solomonian Dictum — Consider the end and call no man happy
till he is divorced.1

' But those who speak thus escape notice not speaking
plainly. Do they speak thus of those who have obtained the
Decree Absolute (a7rX&J9) or the Decree Nisi (TO el ptj) ? For
these indeed rejoice, though not always according to right
reason, if they are unmindful of the saying of Simonides,.

' " There is many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip,"

and the decree be not made absolute, but those suffer a strange
thing (aroiTov Travyovviv) if they are called happy on account
of a marriage which is already non-existent.

4 And again, in respect to what are those divorced to be called
happy ? In respect to their past marriage or their present
condition? If the one, is it not absurd to call them happy
by reason of possessing what exists no longer ; if the other,
how are they happier than those who never married at all ?
But if any one quote Bias of Priene, correcting the saying
of Theognis,

' " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lost
at all,"

he is defending a paradox.

' And again is it the past marriage or the divorce which
constitutes the happiness of the divorced? Now if it be
the divorce, it is impossible that a single action, however
beautiful, should make a man happy, but only a firm habit
of action. It is clear therefore that not one divorce is needed,
but many, to attain this happiness, and that one divorce does

1 Susemeal by excision of the sacred syllable OM emends this into
' Solonian,' though the MS. reading is quite clear. That Aristotle should
thus show a knowledge of the Bible, and even of the Apocrypha, is no
doubt surprising, but should only add to his reputation.

THE LADIES' AEISTOTLE. 49

not make happiness any more than one swallow makes a
drink.

' But if it be the past marriage, is it not strange to refuse
to call a man happy then when he is happy, and to call him
so when he is so no longer ? It is clear then that if it can
decently be done the happily married must be called so when
they are married, and not when they are divorced.

' Shall we say then that their past marriage can contribute
nothing to the happiness of the divorced? That indeed
would be a very unkind doctrine (\iav a<f>i\ov) and contrary to
opinions. But whatever influence reaches them must be
very faint in their present condition, and not such as to
control their happiness (ware icvpiov elvai).

' Or, again, did Solomon perhaps think that only when a
marriage was dissolved could its happiness safely be esti-
mated ? In this indeed there is some speciousness, for there
is great difficulty in establishing the happiness, or not, of a
marriage. For it often happens that a marriage is at first
happy and then turns to the reverse, even after many years,
although the contrary of this hardly occurs. Wherefore, to
one aiming at preciseness, it seems impossible to judge
whether a marriage is happy or otherwise.

' In this respect indeed the unhappy marriage seems far
better. For, as Socrates said, "an unhappy marriage one
may find out in a day, but a happy one not in many years ".
Wherefore some contend that an unhappy marriage is both
easier to achieve and more profitable, as being more knowable.

' Nevertheless it may be said that all these talk nonsense.
For have we not shown that though Happiness must not be for
a day or a honeymoon, but for a " complete " period, it need
not be for ever ? It follows therefore that it is not necessary
to wait for a divorce before pronouncing a marriage happy or
the reverse, but sufficient so to call it in a complete or perfect
life (eV ySfcco reXetw)- And so it is manifest that the happy
man, possessing all the excellences and goods, will also be
happily married during a perfect life. But nothing prevents
the bad and imperfect from being unhappy in marriage.
For it is possible that the intrinsically good is bad for the
bad. In spite of their badness, however, though they cannot
be perfectly happy, they can yet be perfectly miserable in
marriage. And thus do they also attain the end.'

XL— REALISM AND IDEALISM.

A MODEKN PHILOSOPHICAL IDYLL.
BY VERA WELLDON.

STUFF with Nonsense took a stroll
To talk about the weather,
And they found that on the whole
They got on well together.

But presently — " My friend," says Stuff,
"I'm. what all Mind is made of " ;
"Indeed," says Nonsense, in a huff,
" That's just what I'm afraid of !

" Make up your ' Mind ' then, if you please,
And let's have no more bluster,
For every man of Sense agrees
That Stuff's but filibuster."

*' Oh, no," says Stuff, " a man of Sense
Calls you — not me — mere clatter,
For while you stand for nothing dense,
At least I stand for Matter."

" No Matter ! " Nonsense cries irate.
" For Mind is all we know of ;
It's full of me — at any rate
Enough to make a show of.

" But here comes Cousin Common-sense,
Who'll surely see me righted."
" Not he," says Stuff, " for in pretence
He beats us both united."

Yet both to him appeal at once

To read the mental riddle,

Each thought the other was the dunce —

The " stick " of folly's " fiddle ".

REALISM AND IDEALISM. 51

But, " Stuffed with Nonsense is man's head,"
Says Common-sense severely,
"And gingerly one has to tread
When nothing comes out clearly.

" Men credit others with a Mind
Of their own Nonsense ' eject ' ;
No wonder animals — not blind —
Such powers of reasoning reject."

Whereon the two make friends again,
Dividing life between them,
To puzzle sore the wits of men
Who've talked, but never seen, them.

Now if this precious Stuff you've read,
Of Nonsense you'll be tired ;
Pray write some Common-place instead,
For then you'll be admired.

XII.— AUS ZARATHUSTRA'S NACHLASS.

MlTGETEILT VON "IT".

[How these papers escaped the vigilance of the Nietzsche Society and
came to be contributed to MIND ! would be an interesting tale, if it could
be told. Their cachet, however, is unmistakable. — ED.]

I. VOM ZAHNSCHMEBZ UND VOM UBERMENSCHEN.

ALS Zarathustra einmal in die Stadt zog, die zubenannt war
' die bunte Kuh,' stand auf dem Marktplatz ein Quacksalber
und bot allerlei Zahnheilmittel fell. Das Yolk drangte sich
eifrig um ihn her, und am eifrigsten eine Alte, die schon
lange keinen Zahn mehr im Munde hatte.

Da sprach Zarathustra zum Volke :—

Was glaubt ihr an Zahnschmerz und Zahnarzneimittel !
Glauben und Aberglauben ist euer Leben. Was liegt aber
an Zahn und Zahnweh? Der Ubermensch wird kein
Zahnweh bekommen : er soil dazu keine Zeit haben. Mit
Zahnquacksalberei aber ist die Briicke zum Ubermenschen
nicht zu bauen : an Zahnschmerz konnt ihr nicht einmal
untergehen !

Das Volk aber murrte und sagte :—

0 Zarathustra, wir sind keine Ubermenschen, sondern
Alltagsnienschen, und Zahnweh ist einmal da. Wenn du
uns nicht als Zahnarzt helfen willst, so ziehe deines
Weges !

Da wendete sich Zarathustra zu seinem Adler und zu
seiner Schlange und sprach :—

Wahrlich, meine Tiere, mit euch komme ich besser aus
als mit jenem zahnverwesten Pobel. Ohne Menschenzahne
lebt ihr, stark, gesund und heiter, und fresst Frosche und
Spatzen. Lauter Spatzen und Frosche sind die zahnschmerz-
empfindlichen Kulturphilister. Euch aber wiirden sie nicht
munden : denn sie sind zahm, und das echte Raubtier liebt
nur Wildes. Also mogen sie sich in ihrem Sumpfleben
aufzehren, bis auf den letzten hohlen Zahn ! Erst dann lasse
ich den Ubermenschen kommen.

Also sprach Zarathustra.

AUS ZARATHUSTRA'S NACHLASS. 53

II. VOM DlEBSTAHL UND VOM tJBERHUND.

Feuerrot sind meine Dachshiindchen : schlangenartig ist
ihr Leib. Weiss und scharf glanzen ihre Zahne : Zahnweh-
getier sind sie nicht. Das Herz heiss wie's Feuer und den
Kopf kiihl wie die Schlange — so will ich den siegenden
Held!

Man berichtet mir, sie haben ein Stuck Fleisch gestohlen,
und glaubt ich werde sie ziichtigen. Das ist der ' Kechtsinn '
der Gemeinen, wie ihn der Pobel von seinen verehrten Weisen
gelernt, diesen tugendiastertragenden Packeseln !

Ich aber lobe euch, meine Hiindchen, dass ihr kiihii und
frech stehlt. Freeh und offen wird auch der Ubermensch
Alles an sich reissen wozu er Lust hat. Stehlen aber wird
er nicht konnen : denn im Eeiche des Ubermenschen soil es
kein Gesetz mehr geben, kein Gericht, und kein Eigentum.
Darin seid ihr dem tlbermenschen selbst iiberlegen : denn
Stehlen ist seliger als Nehmen. Heilig ist mir eure Tat :
Uberhundchen sollt ihr mir heissen.

Also sprach Zarathustra.

III. VOM GEPACK UND VOM UBERMENSCHEN.

Als Zarathustra aus Babylon fortreiste, hatte er einen
Gepackschein. notig. Den bekam er auch, und zwar in
Keilschrift, wie sonst alle Propheten. Zarathustra aber, als
Iranier und Gottloser, wollte von der semitischen, gottes-
dienstmassigen Priester-Kribbel-Krabbelkeilschrift gar nichts
wissen. Als er den Schein nicht lesen konnte, ward er zor-
nig und sprach zu seinen Jiingern : —

Schein und Gepackschein ! Was soil mir diese ' Hin-
deutung auf Sein ' ? Schemgotter und Scheinglaube und
Scheingotterpack zur Schau tragen : das ist Sklavenmoral.
Wahrlich, mir ekelt vor diesen scheinheiligen keilschrift-
gepackscheinausstellenden Frommen !

Ich aber, Zarathustra, der gott- und gepacklose, verkiindige
euch den gepacklosen Ubermenschen.

Kein Gepack und keinen Schein wird der Ubermensch
brauchen : denn er soil als Gott tanzen, kleidlos und leidlos.

In der ewigen Wiederkunft soil er ewig gepacklos tanzen,
das Gepack aber soil nicht wiederkommen.

Fort also init dem Scheme !

Also sprach Zarathustra.

OF THE

UNIVERSITY

XIII.— ABSOLUTE IDEALISM.

BY HUGH LEIGH.

ABSOLUTE Thought ! Grrr ! Grrr ! ! Grrr ! ! ! Absolute Eub-
bish ! Bizz Ba Bosh ! Ssss Bosh ! ! Ssss Bosh ! # Pure
Thought ! * Pure Eot ! * Hssk ! Ssssk ! Ssss ! ! ! * I shiver !
* Brr ! Brrrrr ! ! ! # Ow ! ! ! * Lemme go ! Lemme go ! ! Wa !
Woe ! Woo ! Eoo ! * * * Beast ! grrr ! Swine ! * * * Erh ! I
wont ! Kazzle dazzle ! razzle dazzle ! ! * I must ! Zip ! Kah !
Boom ! Siss ! * I shall ! Hip-rah-buss-sis ! Sss ! ! Rah ! Kah !
Eah ! Brahma !!!*** Zip ! Boom ! Bang ! I AM ! ! ! Eah !
Eah ! Eah !, Eah ! Eah ! Eah !, Eah ! Eah ! Eah ! Harvard !
I'm Matter! Hah! Hah! Hah! Got im! Hah! Down!
Yah ! Yah ! Yah ! Cornell ! I yell ! To Hell ! Cornell ! Hum
golly good ! Ubble Bubble ! Where's thought now ! Eah !
hah! Eah! hah! Eah! Gone! Eah! Eah! Eah! Gee
Hugh! Jehu! Gee! Gee! Ee ! Ee Hoo! Who! Hoo! lee!
Hooley ! Hooley ! Loo ! Hooley ! loo ! jah ! Hugh Leigh !

(TAH\\\

At first we thought that this extraordinary production was
a jumble of nonsense from a contributor who had suddenly
gone mad over the study of Hegel. Next we thought it was
a collection of the latest American * College Yells '. Finally
after great perplexities the truth dawned on us. It was a
new and terribly effective criticism of Idealism by an appal-
ling eruption of long-suppressed Matter. What Mr. Bradley
had prophetically foreseen long ago had happened. The
Irrational had revolted and its revolt was irreparable !

The mischief being done, it remained only to understand it,
and so we thought it better to publish it, refraining from
any comment, beyond printing Mr. Bradley's prophecy as
the completest commentary on the situation.

" To the arguments urged by the reason, and which de-
monstrate that an element which is not intelligible is nothing,
I possibly might not find an intelligible reply [It hasn't].
But I comfort my mind with the thought that if myself,
when most truly myself, were pure intelligence, I at least

ABSOLUTE IDEALISM. 55

am not likely to survive the discovery [Nobody is /], or be
myself when I wake from a pleasant delusion. And perhaps
it may stand with the philosopher's reason, as it stood with
the sculptor who moulded the lion. When in the reason's
philosophy the rational appears dominant and sole possessor of the
world [italics ours], we can only wonder what place would be left
to it, if the element excluded might break through the charm of the
magic circle, and, without growing rational, could find expression."
[There would only be room inside, we fear, and, for a thought
which has long been accustomed to absorb and transmute all
things, the process of being itself gobbled up must be dis-
gusting!] "Such an idea may be senseless, and such a
thought may contradict itself " [Why not find out whether it
does?], " but it serves to give voice to an obstinate instinct "
[Which now seems to have got both voice and the upper
hand !]. (Principles of Logic, pp. 532-533.)

ED., MIND !

XIV.— ZUR PHANOMENOLOGIE DES ABSO-
LUTEN UNSINNS.

VON PKOF. DR. G. W. FLEGEL.

BEKANNTEEWEISE wurde es erst durch meine Werke auch
dem philosophisch ungebildetsten Leser ermoglicht an der
Entwicklung des absoluten Wissens teil zu nehmen und den Gang
der Sache selbst ehrfurchtsvoll zu verfolgen. Nun aber geht
die Sache der absoluten Philosophic leider schlecht, und seit
einigen Jahren immer schlechter. Es wird dadurch zum
Zweck und zur Pflicht des absoluten Geistes dieselbe wieder
auf die Beine zu verhelfen, und zwar nicht dadurch dass er die
Ergebnisse der dialektischen Methode aufgibt, sondern dadurch
dass er dieselbe konsequent fortsetzt, und, indem er sich die
heilsame Bewegung des Sichselbstsetzens macht, sich iiber
alle die sichselbstzersetzenden Einwiirfe der Andern unbeirrt
hinwegsetzt. Nun stellt es sich merkwiirdigerweise heraus
dass diese Fortsetzung am erfolgreichsten am Anfang erfolgt,
und in Folge dessen zugleich als Vomussetzung sich vorstellt.
Mit andern Worten, der absolute Geist stellt sich am Anfang
vor als die absolute Voraussetzung seiner selbst als dem An und
Fur Sich der reinen Vernunft der er nachstellt. Es diirfte
aber bei dieser insichselbstzuriickkehrenden Bewegung der
reinen Vernunft Einem der Verstand stille stehen, und, da in
Folge dessen der Geist ausser sich geriete, die Ansicht sich
festsetzen, dass mit dem Absoluten absolut Nichts weder
anzufangen noch einzufangen sei. Doch mit Nicht en ; denn
dieser Anfang ist an sich abstrakt, und, wie alles raumzeitliche
Geschehen, als solcher nur wesenloser Schein welchen die
bewusstlose Faselei des sichselbstgleichen Selbstbewusstseins
zurn Ergotzen des zufalligen verworrenen und verwirrenden
Bewusstseins seiner selbst erzeugt. Somit wird das in sich
selbst reflektirte Anheben der dialektischen Bewegung keines-
wegs zu ihrem Aufheben, noch zuni Aufheben ihrer Wahrheit ;
vielmehr ist angehoben nicht aufgehoben, noch aufgehoben auf-
geschoben, und die Wahrheit, die gut aufgehoben, ist aufbewahrt
und erst recht wahr und bewdhrt. Der als solcher sich
ergebende Anfang der Bewegung ist also nur aufgeschoben

ZUR PHANOMENOLOaiE DES ABSOLUTEN UNSINNS. 57

•oder vielmehr zuruckgeschoben, indem sich die Vorstellung
einer anfanglicheren Bewegung vor ihm stellt. Dem anfang-
lichena SEIN, welches sich im Nicht-Sein aufhob und im
Werden vollendete, stellt sich also das DEIN vor, als das
Anfanglichere. Noch uranfdnglicher aber ist das MEIN,
welches als der absolute Anfangspunkt (und daher auch End-
_punkt) der Entwicklung des Geistes angesehen werden darf.
Heine Meinung ist also kurz und biindig diese : Im Anfang
ist Alles mein : das Hein schnappt indessen in das Dein iiber,
welches, indem es sich entaussert, in das Sein iibergeht, und
dadurch den beruhmten Gang der dialektischen Methode
angeht. Dieser Anfang aber bildet zugleich den Beschluss
der Phdnomenologie des absoluten Unsinns und die Schadelstatte
wo sich der absolute Geist den Kopf zerbrochen hat. Denn.

" Nur aus dem Unsinn dieses Hegelreiches
Schaumt ihm die Unsinnlichkeit."

XV.— PHOLISOPHY'S LAST WORD

(AFTEE A WOMAN'S LAST WOED).
BY I. M. GEEENING.

GEIEVED be thou no more, child.

That to think
Leaves things as before, child ;

Only wink !

What so true as words are ?

True for me !
What so safe as girds are

Up a tree ?

See the sages stalking

With their cleek ;
Listen to their talking,

Tongue in cheek !

When the leaves are drowning

Let them rot ;
When the nut is browning

Crack it not.

Ware fresh fruit of knowledge

To admit,
Lest they share thy college,

Eve and it.

Be a god and bid me

Banish sense ;
Be a man and rid me

Of pretence.

Teach, but not too clearly,.

This great Thought,
That the World is merely

ONE plus Nought.

Duty means transcending

Good and 111 ;
Certainty pretending

What you will.

PHOLISOPHY'S LAST WORD. 59

Leave Kant, Hegel, Schelling

To their night ;
Nietzsche is more telling

Out of sight.

Who said " What a bore," child?

Gracious me !
When MIND ! hits life's core, child,

And truth's key !

XVI.— THE EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF
A MODERN ORACLE.

BY UESUS SPEL^US (AMEEICANUS).

To give good advice, said Schopenhauer, is easy ; to take
it, hard ; to cease taking it, impossible. He infers that we
had better give up giving and take to taking it. But as he
does not tell us what is to induce us to take it, his advice is
not practical. It is also uneconomical and unworthy of the
commercial age we live in. For why should one give what
is worth much money, and, when properly brought before the
public, will fetch it? That the public pays generously and
even greedily for bad advice is shown by its patronage of
sporting prophets and stock-exchange tipsters. It may
reasonably be conjectured, therefore, that it would pay still
more for really good advice, if it were presented to it in a suffi-
ciently attractive and impressive form. To effect this and
many other laudable objects a Syndicate called the Mind !
Association has recently been formed, which incontestably
offers an attractive investment to persons endowed with
capital and imagination.

It proposes to resuscitate an ancient, famous and well-
tried method of getting people to take advice (on strictly
cash terms), which, with the modern mechanical improve-
ments it is intended to introduce, should prove simply irre-
sistible. In other words the Mind ! Association has obtained
from the Greek Government a concession for the famous and
beautiful island of Delos and has resolved to establish thereon
a FIEST-CLASS ORACLE. An abridged prospectus of the
DELIAN ORACLE Co., giving full information as to the com-
mercial aspects of the scheme, will be found at the end of
this article : its present aim is only to explain the methods
which open out to a Modern Oracle the prospect of a most
beneficent, influential and profitable career.

In the first place it cannot be too strongly emphasised that
the advice given by the Oracle will be GOOD. Even if it
should not in the first instance appear good, the Oracle will
soon be in a position to make it good. To enable it to give

EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF A MODERN ORACLE. 61

good advice, to make it good, and to keep it good, no expense
or trouble will be spared. The Oracle will retain the services-
of the highest professional talent from the prophet and
clairvoyant down to the doctor and mechanician, and the
possession of the best information on all subjects interesting
to mankind will enable it to give the best advice with regard
to them. In modern times both the collection and the trans-
mission of such information have been so greatly facilitated
that the Delian Oracle will be in a position easily to transcend
the greatest achievements (in this line) of its forerunners and
competitors. We have the men, we have the money, the
only thing wre still need is the organisation. And that the
Delian Oracle will supply !

In order to avoid misconception it will be necessary next
to define the position of the Oracle with regard to Prophecy.
The Oracle will not of course disdain to prophesy when
necessary, to avail itself of all trustworthy sources of pro-
phetic information, or to use the appropriate methods of
making its prophecies come true. On the contrary it will
collect, collate and concentrate the prophetic material which
now exists in a scattered form, and employ on its staff the
most efficient prophets that love or money can procure. But
its Directors do not intend to substitute Prophecy for Good
Advice as the staple product of the Oracle, but to keep it
strictly subsidiary. To know the future is valuable only if
it enables men to act rightly, and it is this doctrine which the
deliverances of the Oracle will enforce. Again, knowledge
of the future is much commoner than the sense to use it,
and so it will be the latter which by preference the Oracle
will supply. Moreover the Directors are keenly alive to the
fact that Prophecy is and has been, for the most part, in an
utterly unregulated, uncritical and chaotic condition, and
consequently quite untrustworthy. They infer that what the
subject requires is systematic schooling, and hence propose
to establish in connexion with the Oracle a scientific School
of the Prophets, the syllabus of which wrill be found below.

With regard to Miracles the Oracle will preserve a similar
attitude. They will not be performed wholesale. To do so
would only vulgarise them and destroy their impressiveness.
It would also be demoralising and discourage self-help. More-
over trivial miracles on trivial occasions are undignified. At
the same time if a suitable occasion should arise, the Oracle
will be thoroughly equipped to take advantage of it. Again
with the mechanical and other improvements of modern
times the results should infinitely surpass those of antiquity.

The Consultation Fees which the Oracle will demand will

62 UKSTJS SPEL^IUS (AMERICANUS) :

be on a scale proportionate to the magnificence of the whole
installation. It is obvious from what has been said that the
Oracle will have to ask, will ask, and will receive, high fees,
and make large profits. In general the Oracle will be con-
ducted on the principle of giving no credit but taking all it
can. At the same time, in order to give all a chance of par-
ticipating in its benefits, there will charitably be instituted
certain festivals on which consultations will be given gratis
to the poor. In connexion with this it will probably be
necessary to have a lottery, in order to decide which of the
applicants are to be admitted to the shrine.

But after all what will chiefly distinguish the Delian Oracle
from all similar enterprises in the past will be the com-
pleteness and perfection of its mechanical equipment. The
Directors recognise that the success of a modern science de-
pends largely, if not wholly, on the elaboration of a technical
terminology and the generous provision of instruments for
a, laboratory. What, for instance, would Experimental Psy-
chology be without these ? Similarly it was felt that Oracular
Science, or Mantic, must retain a pseudoscientific aspect so
long as it was not adequately provided in these respects.
Hence the Board have sanctioned a liberal expenditure on
the instruments and arrangements, the use of which will be
clear from the following account of the normal mode of con-
sultation.

On admission to the sanctuary the applicant for divine
guidance will find himself in the great outer court or colon-
nade, liberally provided with Doves, Sirens * and Pseudomants.
Having handed his name to the Big Drum Recorder by means
of an Autosilligraph, he waits at a Tilt Table or in an Irritation
Chair until the god announces his pleasure to receive him
through the Stentor bellows. He is then subjected to careful
anthropometric examination by means of (1) the Plutometer
(after which he pays his fee, which is recorded in the Pro-
phetometer),2 (2) the Pseudometer, (3) the Follimeter, (4) the Snobo-
scope. Next the Psychopomps and their assistants convey him
into the bath-room, where he is purified by Bathometers and
Hip Chronoscopes. After this he is cast into the Chamber of
Horrors and exposed to the Horror scopes. He is then taken
into the Innermost Shrine or Cella, where the Pythia sits on the
Sacred Tripod over the exhalations of the Prophetic Vein, and is
separated from her only by a Listening Moral Law Screen. The

1 These did not originally belong to the worship of Apollo, but will be
found both ornamental and useful.

2 An improved form of the Cash Register.

EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF A MODERN ORACLE. 63

Pythia having transmitted the god's advice, the Chief Metro-
gnome, having cast it into gnomic form and added all the
requisite metrical improvements, recites it to the client, who
then withdraws reverently, and is left for a while to recover
from his ordeal. He is given Memory Drops in order that he
may rightly remember what he was told. He may enter the
Silent Boom and contemplate its Mutoscopes. He may pene-
trate into the Dark Booms and Secret Chambers lavishly fur-
nished with Rheostats, Di rheostats, and Arcanographs, and
capable of being still further darkened. He may examine
himself by means of the Prospectoscopes, Oneiroscopes, Humbugo-
meters, or amuse himself by watching the play of the Collido-
scopes. Finally he will issue from the temple to the music
and the forking tunes of the Decampimeter and return to his
usual avocations relieved in his mind and purse.

In addition to the instruments already mentioned the
laboratories of the Oracle must have an electric and prophetic
Power Supply, and will also be fully furnished with Indirect
Prevision Colour Mixers, Pantelevators (for raising moral tones),
Fall Phonometers, Telephotometers and other Telephotographic
Apparatus, Chronographs, Kymographs, Tel&sthesiometers, Per-
sonometers,1 Telestereoscopes , Olfactometers of every sort, and
Semnophones.

It need hardly be said, however, that the instruments
thus grouped under various (non-) sense names are by no
means exclusively (non-) sensational instruments. Instruc-
tion in the use of this whole apparatus will form part of the
work of the School of Prophets, with a sketch of which this
article may fitly conclude. Students will be admitted to the
institution after examination in such propaideutic subjects as
mechanics, prestidigitation, physics, physiology, psychology
(general and experimental), hypnotism, psychical research,
logic, ethics and metaphysics, and the ideal length of the
course will be three years. It will readily be apprehended,
however, that the time actually required will depend on the
progress and proficiency of the pupils.

In the first year, the student's mind having been properly
purified by fizzemetics 2 and exercised by chopsylogisms, the sub-
jects studied will comprise the Elements of Magic and the
usual forms of Mantic (Necromantic, etc.), special stress
however being laid on Onomantic, Semantic, and Oneiromantic.
The abler students should also find time for oneirocritical
and sortilogical exercises. In the second year the chief

1 Improved and more powerful Sonometers.

2 The American spelling of physametics. — ED.

64 UESUS SPEL2EUS (AMEEICANUS) :

subjects will be Advanced Magic (in Black and White), Mis-
haptics, Heliostatics and Pseudoptics. In the third year the
course will conclude with instructions in Synoptics, Ecstatics,.
Fascination, Geloiology and the Use of Semnophones. Students
will normally be expected to work at least ten hours a
day, but bodily health will be preserved by the practice
of Corybantics, Semantics, and other antics. Instruction will
be free, but the Oracle will reserve to itself the right of
retaining the services of any of the Graduates of its School
of Prophets.

THE DELIAN OKACLE CO. (LIMITED).

Capital.
£1,000,000

divided into

100,000 Six Per Cent. Preference Shares and

100,000 Extraordinary Shares,

of £5 each.

Directors.

I. N. ROADS, Esq. — Chairman of Utopia Unlimited and

Director of the Afrodesian Exploratwn Co.
I. WINK, Esq.— Sporting Prophet of The Turf.
A. GIDEON, Esq. — Financial Tipster of Good Words.
FKANK MAEKS, Esq.— City Editor of The Bad Times.
NIMIUM CAEUS, Esq. — Editor of The Moneyist.

U. SPELAEUS, Esq., Director of the Mind ! Association, and
APOLLO, of the Olympian Deities Syndicate, will join the Board
after allotment, as representatives of the promoters.

Bankers.
Messrs. CAVE & TUGWELL.

Solicitors.
Messrs. HAZEY & FOGG.

KASSANDEA VIVACIA, Pythia.

ZADKIEL, Major Prophet.

CALCHAS DIPLOMATICUS, Minor Prophet.

Messrs. TIEESIAS, JEEEMIAH, MOHAMMED and CAELYLE
have consented to act as the Advisory Committee in the
Shades.

EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF A MODERN ORACLE. 65

This Company has been formed to take over from the
Mind ! Association its rights as owners of the ISLAND OF
DELOS, together with the extensive rights (including Mining
Eights and Jurisdiction) granted to it by a CONCESSION from
the Greek Government, which reserves to itself only the
Suzerainty of the Island. The Company's purpose will be
to refound and operate the once famous Delian Oracle of
Apollo.

The Island of Delos, one of the smallest but loveliest of
the Cyclades, is at present situated in the Greek Archipelago.
But according to ancient tradition it was originally a FLOAT-
ING ISLAND, which was fastened by Zeus to the bottom of
the ^Egean with adamantine chains, in order that it might
safely bear Leto, and she in her turn the twin deities sub-
sequently celebrated as Apollo and Artemis.

Modern archaeology has confirmed this, like so many
other legends, and it has also been ascertained that in the
course of ages these chains have been almost worn through.
Hence Col. Boreham, E.E., the celebrated martinet, reports
that he would have no difficulty in boring through them with
his diamond drill, in which event the Island would, owing to
its extraordinary specific levity, once more become a floating
island.

In order that this, however, may be done to advantage, it
would be necessary to devise machinery capable of navigat-
ing the Island safely and successfully. With the recent
improvements of the Steereoscope, however, this difficulty may
be said to have been overcome, and it will consequently be
possible to transport the Island, either by tugs or winds,
aided by auxiliary steam engines on the Island itself, to
whatever part of the Mediterranean may seem most attractive
and expedient. The Island will sail under the Greek flag, but
will be registered as 100 A 1 at Lloyd's. It is intended in
the first instance to anchor it off the Kiviera during the season.

It is manifest that the novelty of its procedure together
with its natural mobility, will give it incalculable attractions
as a health resort.

Owing to its size, as compared even with the largest
steamers, and its moderate rate of speed, its motion will,
however, be no more sensible than that of the Earth itself,
no fear of sea-sickness need be entertained, and even the
most fastidious need not be alarmed lest they should be
disturbed by the proximity of any Cyclades.

With regard to the remarkable mineral resources of the
Island, on which the chief success of the Oracle and the
Company must ultimately depend, the subjoined report of the

66 URSUS SPEL^US (AMERICANUS) :

well-known Mining Expert, Mr. D. O. M. Browne, M.E., C.E,
M.I.C.E., is conclusive. He says : —

" Amid the French excavations of the Temple of Apollo I dis-
covered, within a few feet of the surface, a prophetic vein whose
extraordinary richness may be gauged by the fact that it yielded
upon assay no less than . . .l per cent, of the theoretically pre-
dicted maximum. . . . The Specific Levity of the Island I estimate
at "0125, which is ample to support the buildings contemplated,
and indeed any other construction that can be put upon it. It is
chiefly caused by the rich veins of desiccated Humour which per-
meate the whole structure of the Island, and become evident wher-
ever you bore it. At the North end especially the deposits are so
plentiful as to form a veritable COMIC MINE, Ihe produce of which
might be largely exported without sensibly upsetting the balance of
the Island."

The Purchase Consideration is £500,000 in Extraordinary
Shares, leaving the whole of the £500,000 Preference Shares
available as working capital for the development of the Island.

It is proposed to erect a handsome marble Temple of
Apollo over the Prophetic Vein, and to build or sell sites for
a number of First-class Modern Hotels at suitable points on
the Island.

At each side of the entrance to the Temple there will be a
number of entrancing Side Shows for the performance of
Corybantics, Sacred Dancing, etc., the rental of which will
add to the income of the Company.

The Directors have concluded a provisional contract of a
very advantageous character with the Company operating the
tables at Monte Carlo, affording them a refuge on the Island
and a site for a branch establishment, which, in the event of
trouble with the Prince of Monaco, would be converted into
the chief centre of their business. To obviate, however, any
moral exception that may possibly be taken to this arrange-
ment, the Directors beg to announce that the Oracle will
systematically discountenance the proceedings of the gaming
tables, and refuse, on principle, to prophesy the lucky numbers
of the day.

Negotiations are proceeding with a view to establishing an
Asylum for Sceptics, for whose cure by Suggestion the Island
will afford unequalled facilities.

The Directors are at present considering applications for
licences from the Society of Select Sirens and the Amalga-

JFor fear of European complications the Directors consider it advis-
able to withhold the actual figures. They will, however, be communicated
in confidence to bona fide shareholders.

EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF A MODEEN ORACLE. 67

mated Herd of Harpies. Provision has already been made
for high-class Centaur-Kacing and Golf Lynx.

On the prospects of the political and financial influence
which the Oracle seems likely to acquire the Directors con-
sider it premature to enlarge. They do not, however, desire
to conceal their conviction that eventually these may become
the most important and remunerative parts of the Company's
business.

The Company having obtained Apollo's Patent Eights and
Trade Secrets, it is intended to establish Branch Oracles in
suitable spots when and as they may be required.

N.B. — There is no duty on foreign oracles in the U.S. tariff.

It is evident that in some or all of these ways the Company
will shortly find itself in the possession of a large and progress-
ive income. Indeed the Dividend on its Preference Shares
is ALREADY ASSURED, and they may therefore be regarded as
a FIRST-CLASS INVESTMENT.

XVII.— THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY.

KHYMES BEYOND KEASON.

THIS important History of Philosophy is the fruit of long and
anxious cogitation upon the proper method of teaching the
subject. Its merits are novelty and conciseness. The Editors,
however, neither guarantee the historical accuracy of the
facts alluded to in these rhymes, nor hold themselves respon-
sible for any of the opinions or sentiments expressed. Any
one who has ever seriously tried to be a poet knows that
all such matters are principally determined by the exigen-
cies of rhyme. For the same reason we have had to omit
many distinguished names which we should gladly have
inserted, if it had been possible to obtain rhymes for them
for love or money. The names of the persons concerned
have been suppressed — for obvious reasons. They will be
found however in the index.1 Contributors to MIND !
have enjoyed the singular privilege of writing their own
" Limericks," without being charged the usual advertise-
ment rates.

The order is both chronological and logical.

I — ANCIENT PHILOSOPHY.

Though T held all things were water,,

He married a wine merchant's daughter :

From a corner in oil

He gathered great spoil,
And routed the " City " with slaughter.

"At one time," said A ,

" We sprang from a great Salamander,,

1 If not before.

THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. — I. 69

Grew smoother and drier,
Democratic and higher,
Evolving a vast Gerrymander."

H , the Dark One,1 declared —

" My damp sheets aren't properly aired,

The better is drier,

I swear by the Fire !
I'll give up my priesthood to C ! " 2

" I, sternly monistic, P ,

The Many consign to th' Eumenides,

All Being is One ! "

" Yet, pardon the pun,
'Tis true you yourself are IF many D's ! "

A paradox crafty of Z 's,

A cousin perplexed of Dan Leno's,

Cried he, " I'd no notion

There couldn't be motion !
I'll go to the Devil — p'raps he knows ! "

Young Z had only one notion —

To prove that there couldn't be Motion.

But his father said, " D !

Why solvitur am —
bulando : go fetch me a potion ! "

When issuing NOTS ! A

Was asked : "Are you sage now, or wagorass? "

He replied : " Why of that,

'Tis as plain as my hat,
Mans the Measure. I hold with P "

1 6 (TKOTflVOS.

2 "What does this mean ? "—ED., MIND ! " Don't you know that H

was a High Priest and Master of the School of Prophets at Ephesus with

.the Trpoedpia and the scarlet gown ? " — AUTHOR.

70 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY.

"All's woeful and vain," said Heraclitus,1
" All's Atoms and Void," said D .

" 'Tis Matter for laughter,

' Gay Science ' I'm after,
Or even a tale of Theocritus ! "

An accomplished Milesian A —
To Athens came over from Asia

Where she kept a salon,2

To her statesmen a boon,
And Perikles struck with aphasia.

10.

An idle old lounger was S

(Though Plato a martyr the bloke rates) ;

When they asked " Is it sooth

You're corrupting the youth? "
" You clearly don't know 'em ! " said S 3

11.

The divinest philosopher, P ,

Proved comforting very to Cato ;

But our wiseacres laugh,

Immortality chaff,
And think him the smallest potato.

12.

An Asklepiad, great A ,

Felt terribly tempted to throttle

Alexander, his pup ;

But they asked him to sup,
So he buried his wrath in a bottle.

1 " Isn't the 'I' long ? "—ED., MIND ! " No — shortened by poetic licence."
— AUTHOR. " Won't do ; must draw the line somewhere. I shall draw it
over the eye. You must try again." — ED., MIND ! " All right — How's
this?

" With fooling one must meet men's folly —

D found it quite jolly ;

In Atoms and Void
He really enjoyed .

Specifics against melancholy." — AUTHOR.
" That will do much better, thank you." — ED., MIND 1

2 We have, of course, changed our contributor's (presumably American)
spelling ' saloon,' in deference to universal historical tradition. — ED.

3 " Is this a fact ? " — ED., MIND ! " Yes, on the authority of a recent exam-
ination paper, in which I found it almost verbatim ! " — AUTHOR.

THE M.A.P. HISTOKY OF PHILOSOPHY. — I. 71

13.

We hedonists, said A ,

Discomforts detest when they grip us,

So wealth we adore,

The moment live for,
And take what the rich 'Arries tip us.

14.

E , famed master of swine,

Bred some pigs that (like Horace) were fine

But the pig that was taken

And turned into B—
Came quite of a different line.

15.

Archie M , with lever and screw,

Tried raising this planet a few :

But he soon cried " Hallo !

Where on Earth's my TTOV O-TM ?
They told me I couldn't : it's true ! "

16.

A Stoic and slave, E ,

With courtesy ventured to greet us :

But his master, enraged,

In prison him caged
And told us to go, or he'd beat us !

17.

Said the paragon Emperor, M ,

" On ponderings let us embark us,
All virtues we'll borrow,
Take thought for the morrow,
The world cannot fail to remark us ".

18.

The great thaumaturge, A ,

A wonder contrived so felonious,

That they bade him globe-trot —
Cried the sage, " This is rot !

For surely I look sanctimonious ! "

19.

When Cyril met lovely H

He shouted, " Come, lemnie embrace yer ! "

She cried, " Get away, monk !

You clearly are quite drunk ! "
And abandoned the city for Asia.

72 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY.

20.

Of Egypt's weird wisdom Great T

The mysteries showed me on oath,
Neith's Image unveiled,
Ed's Boat with me sailed :
Such secrets to tell you I'm loth !

21.

Life's Struggle than thou, Z -,

Who pictures us finer or vaster ?

Poetic and true,

I marvel thy view
The world has not managed to master !

22.

The infinite self-absorbed B

Was dreaming the World-Panorama ;
He groaned and he snored,
Till at length he grew bored,
And woke up, and broke up the Drama.

23.

0 V- — , Preserver Eternal,
Of Evil I deem you the kernel,
For if good and evil
You are, you're the Devil,
And the world you preserve is infernal !

24.

0 V , Preserver Eternal

Of all worlds, however 'external,'

Why were you a boar ? l

Why are you no more ?
Don't you think that the bore is eternal ?

25.

Of India's Trimurti dark S

1 fear was the gayest deceiver ;

He carried off Maya,
And made her his ayah ;
So people refused to receive her.

26.

A famous Scholastic, named A ,

Quite morbidly every tabby barred ;

Cried the Canon, " What's that?

I'll give him the cat ! "
And terribly hurt him, the blaggyard !

1 One of his most popular impersonations.

THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. — I. 73

27.

Said Tom, the great Saint of A ,

" Theology's Sum is what we know,

My creed is scholastic,

God's very elastic,
Don't dare to expect that of me ! No ! "

28.

'The Doctor Subtilis, old D ,

A Scotsman addicted to puns,

Maintained the Haecceity

Of Man and the Deity ;
On fast days he lived upon buns.

29.
"" To multiply beings," said 0-

" Is needless, 'tis better to dock 'em ! "

So he seized on his razor,

This pestilent phraser,
And ran out to bloodily block 'em.1

30.

A Frenchman, whose name was D ,

Enlarged Geometrical Art,

His X, Y, and Z,

Although he's long dead,
Still play a most prominent part.

31.

A pestilent Jew, named S ,

To Yahveh put many a poser,

Till he went to the Hague

And died of the plague ; 2
Nowadays he'd have gone to Arosa.

32.

Thought the wily Lord Chancellor B ,

Whose faith in old methods was shaken,

"I'll simply set to

And start things anew
On the path that Posterity's taken ! "

1 " Don't understand. O 's razor— yes : to 'block ' razors, also ; but

why ' bloodily ' ? " — ED., MIND ! " To cut off their blockheads, of course I
You also need it." — AUTHOR.

2 " Surely S died of consumption, did he not ? "— ED., MIND ! " Yes,

that is why he would have gone to Arosa." — AUTHOR. "But you say he
died of the plague." — ED., MIND ! " That is because he died at the Hague. "-
AUTHOR. " It's very puzzling."— ED. " All the rhyme."— AUTHOR.

74 THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY.

33.

With his mythical monsters old H

Gave his readers some terrible jobs ;
Now they've put on Hobbs Locke,
At Behemoths they mock,
And jeer at Leviathan's sobs.

34.

Now this is the legend of L ,

Of Christ Church a Student and hock ;

On primary Matter

He did not grow fatter ;
But dealt at innateness a knock.

35.

Sir Isaac, our chroniclers say,
Slept under an apple all day ;

When it fell on his nose,

And disturbed his repose,
" Gravitation ! " he shouted, " Hooray ! "

36.

High-minded was good Bishop B ,

Through Matter he saw his God darkly :

His notions of Vision

Excited derision,
And multitudes stared at him starkly.

37.

A canny old Scotchman was H ,

Of dogmas he sounded the doom ;

They call him a sceptic,

His thought's antiseptic,
In ' answers ' there isn't a boom.

38.

'Twixt Monads, Herr L , you see,

Communion can't possibly be :

You are one ; so am I,

So it's useless to try
To fathom your " Philosophic ".

39.

A German philosopher, L ,

Said one thing that's rather impressing :

" To hunt than to hold

Truth is, I make bold
To reckon, the far greater blessing ".

THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. — I. 75

40.

A Prussian professor named K ,

Proposed to his own maiden aunt ;

Cried she in a huff :

" I've heard quite enough !
What, many you? Nonsense ! I shan't ! " 1

41.

Das Ich mit dem Nicht-Ich sich F

Besah einst bei unsicherm Lichte ;

Er rief : " Das Ich setzt sich !

Unding ! Es entsetzt mich !
Das Ich macht das Nicht-Ich zu Nichte ! "

42.

A German professor named S —

His doctrines proved simply by yelling ;

He shouted aloud,

And attracted a crowd,
When questioned, he'd say : " That is telling 1 "

43.

Als beriihinter Professor noch H

Mit Begriffen oft spielte er Kegel ;

Ihn erblickt' die Idee

Und rief aus " 0 Herr Je !
1st das H ? Was ist das ein Flegel ! "

44.

Sir Peter P. Pullinger, Bart.,
Abandoned his wife for his art.

But she found him again,

Manifestly insane,
As a German Professor called Her Bart.

45.

A pessimist, great S ,

Found living exceedingly sour,

At Hegel he cursed,

His grievances nursed,
And poured forth his wrath by the hour.

1 " Surely this is not historical ? " — ED., MIND ! " Not altogether. She
really uttered only two words — the rest is poetical licence." — AUTHOR.
" What were they ? "—ED. " A nti-Kant ! See ? Can you see what Aunty
can't ? " — AUTHOR.

76 THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY.

46.

Nowadays it is held that a lot
Of the P theology's rot ;

Though at Cambridge still read,

It may be called dead,
While Palae-ontology's not.

47.

" Than worship a wicked God," M—
Said, " in Hell I would far rather grill ! "

But tutors like joking,

And fun at him poking ;
They worry his poor old bones still.

48.

Great D shows Man, by his shape,

Is sprung from an Anthropoid Ape ;

Though you needn't believe

That Adam and Eve
Had tails, they'd a narrow escape !

49.

Now Balliol's great Master was J ,

Quite plainly the anecdotes show it :

" Do well and succeed

Comes first in my creed,
No failures for me, if I know it ".

50.

To deepen our consciousness G

At Oxford appeared on the scene :

" O thinker obscure,

Why don't you make sure
That you know what you think that you mean ? "

51.

The latest * immoralist,' N ,

A very poor sort of a creature,

Was morbidly vain

And wholly insane,
A lunatic posing as preacher.

XVIIL — "ELIZABETH'S" VISITS TO PHILO-
SOPHERS.

BY L. IN HEK GRIN.

KONIGSBERG, Monday.

DEAREST MAMMA,

I am sure you will be pleased to hear that we have
safely got to the end of our horridly long journey this evening
at seven, and that I am to call on the Great Philosopher to-
morrow, armed with the letter which the Minister of Educa-
tion, Herr von Zedlitz, very kindly gave me at Harry's request,
when we stayed a day at Berlin. I did so hate the idea of
going away to visit all these strange old philosophers in order
to be cured of my giddiness and taught to be more serious,
but you know what a good daughter I am, and how unlike
most in these days and how dutifully I always do what you
tell me, and mind you don't forget to give me those pearls
you promised me if I would try to become wise and serious
like the Owl of Minerva, or whoever it was. And really, dearest
Mother, now that I am here I quite like the idea, and think
it, Oh, such fun ! For in its way it is quite as risque and un-
conventional as anything I have ever done on my other visits,
and I am quite excited about it and have to keep on telling my-
self that to the pure all things are pure. Because they're not,
you know, but it's much more amusing if you make believe.

Nothing much happened to me on the journey except that
Minister von Zedlitz said that he deserved a kiss for giving
me the introduction (the idea ! and he so fat and beery too !),
and that the engine-driver asked me whether any one had
ever run away with me on an express engine. But these are
trifles and one gets so used to that sort of thing from men
that no really nice girl minds it a bit. And the engine-driver
was quite nice, except for the grease. So no more to-night
from

Your ever affectionate daughter,

ELIZABETH.

78 L. IN HER GRIN :

II.

Tuesday.

DEAREST MAMMA,

So I have been to see the great philosopher Kant,
and I am sure I have done him a lot of good, though I am
not so sure that he has me. I told Agnes to put out my
blue dress, which you know is not very stunning, for fear lest
he should be frightened, and drove to his house a little before
three. His manservant opened the door and bowed deep
when I handed him the Minister's letter all stuck over with big
seals, and I was ushered into the sitting-room, or rather study,
all covered with books and papers, but otherwise very neat.
The professor had, it seems, been dozing in his arm-chair (he
says he gets up at five every morning, can you imagine ?), but
got up and said he was honoured by my visit. Such a funny
little hunchback he is, about five foot nothing, with such a
big head and big bright blue eyes, and a blue coat and brass
buttons. I told him I was Elizabeth. " Ach ja, Elisabeth I "
he said, and his eyes filled with tears. Do you suppose,
Mamma, that he once loved a girl called Elizabeth and that
that is why he isn't married yet, — he must be quite old ? Then
I told him why I had come at your request, to be steadied
by him because he was the greatest teacher of morals there
was, and how innocent I was and how anxious to know all
about his philosophy.

And he looked at me quite seriously and began telling, Oh,
such a lot ! I don't think I have got it quite clear, but I
remember his beginning by telling me that such a form as
mine did not come from his experience, though he was glad
it came in it, and that it began in the experience of the
happiest day of his life, and that he desired to cultivate the
pure intuition (reine Anschauung) of me constantly, which
he said was quite possible, because Space and Time were
not real but transcendentally ideal. Then he went on to
say a great deal about pure conceptions and categories. It
made me feel quite queer and faint, but I think I've remem-
bered most of the words. What he said about the Scheming
of the Categories and their transatlantic deduction I did
not quite follow, and the anti-monies I thought too stupid
(don't you, Mamma, nowadays ?), but what he said about the
necessity of our having a Sympathetic Unity of Perception
was quite charming. " But," I said, "how about the Cate-
gorical Imperative?" You remember you told me to ask
about that particularly. Well, that stopped him, and I
thought he was going to have a fit like poor Jean at Croixmare.

"ELIZABETH'S" VISITS TO PHILOSOPHEBS. 79

'" Ach ja" he stammered at last, "I had forgotten that and
the pure respect I owe it." So I asked him what it was.
"It demands," he said solemnly, "that thou shalt (don't you
think, Mamma, that sounds quite too familiar?) not

At this point his old servant came in, his name is Lampe,
and he carried his umbrella, and asked ob denn der Herr Pro-
fessor heute nicht ausgehen wollen. It appears that the pro-
fessor always goes out for an hour's walk at three every
afternoon, so punctually that all the astronomers always
observe his appearance and fix the time by him. And by
this time it was ten past three by my watch.

"No," said the little man quite angrily, "Lampe, scher' er
sich zum Teufel, und lass er uns ungestort." Poor old Lampe
withdrew quite crestfallen. So, to resume the subject, I
asked him again what the Categorical Imperative demanded.
" Thou shalt do thy Duty with no regard to inclination."
" But what is my duty? " " To do as the Moral Law com-
mands." " But what does the Moral Law command ? " " The
pure fulfilment of Duty." "But is not that what you said
before and I could not make out ? Can't you tell me more
clearly ? " He looked at me so earnestly that I nearly laughed,
and then he grasped my hand and said, " Elizabeth, I will tell
thee. Thy duty . . . thy duty is ... to marry me ! "

I know it was awfully rude, but really could not help it — I
burst out laughing to his face. He seemed terribly hurt, so
I said hastily: "But really, my dear good Professor, it is
quite impossible, don't you see that you are quite 160 years older
than me ? " " Elizabeth," said he, " that makes nothing (das
macht Nichts) ; have I not proved to thee and all the world that
Time, though phenomenally real, is transcendentally ideal?
Now, I love not only thy phenomenal appearance, I grant
thee, but thy Noumenal Reality as a Thing-in-itself." This
was too much. "Professor," said I, and I think I blushed,
Mamma — it feels quite nice, "I am not accustomed to be
spoken to like this ; moreover, I think you ought to know
that I am betrothed to the Marquis of Valmond, and so could
not marry you even if you were a man who respected the
decencies of polite language." And so I rushed out of the
room and left him. But now that I come to think it over, I
can't help feeling a little sorry for him. Do you think, Mamma,
he really meant all he said ? Anyhow I think I had better try
some of the others first before I ask him again. So to-morrow
we go back to Berlin to see Hegel, whom it will be quite safe
to visit, because he is a married man and very respectable.

Your affectionate daughter,

ELIZABETH.

80 L. IN HER GRIN :

III.

BERLIN, Thursday.

DEAREST MAMMA,

I have just come back from my visit to Hegel, who
is a pigdog, quite the worst I have met even in Germany.
You shall hear. I had put on that dream of a dress you
gave me last month, because I had heard this professor was
quite fashionable, but when I was shown into the sitting-
room by a thin care-worn little woman who had answered
the door (she turned out to be his wife !) how do you suppose
I found him dressed ? In a dirty old flowered dressing-gown
with a skull cap and a long pipe. At first he hardly seemed
to notice me. I had to find my own seat (as at Kant's). I
told him who I was, but he only said, " Yes, yes," and then
shouted out, " Barbara ! " The little woman came in trem-
bling. ' ' Barbara, pull off my boots and bring me my slippers. "
She had to kneel down and do it. While she was away, I
asked why he treated her so barbarously. " She is my wife,
you know," he said, " and the only woman who ever pretended
to be logical. But I am a great logical reformer, and so I
have to keep her in order, and sometimes to discipline her
pretty severely." Still I don't think it at all nice, do you?
Then he told her to get some coffee, and when she had
brought it (he never offered me any, the pig !), told her she
might go, which she submissively did. Then he asked what
I wanted. I said I thought he could tell me the truth. " The
Absolute Truth, I suppose you mean, for I keep no other."
" Yes," said I, " that will do very nicely."

And then he told me. Oh, Mamma, it was terrible, and
my head still aches merely to think of it. Of course I
didn't understand a word : it was hard enough to look
intelligent and appreciative in the right places. I can only
remember that it began with the Absolute Nothing and
ended with the most Absolute Non-Sense, and that it was
all quite proper and very dull.

When he had done I asked him whether he did that sort
of thing often. " Every day," he said " I lecture thus or nearly
as well." " But don't you find it rather tiring? " " A little
perhaps, because they none of them understand me. But
the less they understand the more they admire, and I like
that." " Then you should come over to England and go
to Oxford," said I. He looked at me long with a cunning
twinkle in his eye and then he said deliberately: "You are
right, Elizabeth. I am tired of reforming Barbara, and
of respectability and the Prussian State. You shall come

"ELIZABETH'S" VISITS TO PHILOSOPHERS. 81

with me and we'll start over again in Oxford. Thou alone,
Elizabeth, art worthy of a logical reformer's true love."

I was so astonished that I allowed him to take my hand.
" But," I said at length, " we should have to go by Hamburg
and at Hamburg they have the cholera, while we are every
day expecting the plague in England." " Cholera ! plague ! "
he shrieked ; "I live in terror of such things ! I am feeling
quite bad already ! " And he turned quite pale. " Barbara !
bring me a pill ! " At this point I thought it best to with-
draw, as he did not seem at all fit for any further rational
conversation. But I do think him a pig, and poor little
Kant was ever so much nicer. Now good-night.

Your affectionate daughter,

ELIZABETH.

PS. — Friday morning. Isn't it shocking, Mamma, I have
just read in the paper the sudden death last night from cholera
of the famous Prof. Dr. Hegel? Do you suppose it was
funk, or do you think that Barbara put something into his
coffee ? I can't help thinking it must have been that, for I
am sure she hated him, and no wonder. But how lucky for
me he did not offer me any !

IV.

ATHENS.

DEAREST MAMMA,

I've been slumming ! You said you would never
let me try it, and now you have sent me there yourself. But
of course when I went to see Socrates I had no idea they
were so poor and had all to live in so small a hut. There
are six of them, he and Xanthippe and four children, but
desperately poor. Xanthippe, who is quite nice really, but
terribly worried, because she says her husband won't work
and she can't keep the whole family on nothing, was alone
at home (the children were playing in the street) when I
came in, and I felt very sorry for her and gave her all the
money I had about me. So she cried and told me all about
her troubles, how Socrates is the worst possible husband and
father, and how shamefully he neglects them. And besides
he drinks, not that he ever gets drunk, for he can stand any
amount.

After a while Socrates came in and said he was pleased to
see me. It was nice, because, though he was quite accustomed
to young men coming to seek him out, Athenian girls were
kept shut up so. Then he began by asking me whether I
had ever been in love, and when I blushed and said I did

82 L. IN HER GRIN :

not know, he said how charming I was and with what great
pleasure he would help me deliver myself of the truth on
this subject. And so he went on asking me questions about
what I thought of the different kinds of love, all very queer,
and things I didn't half understand. You know how innocent
I am, but I am sure that most of what he said was improper.
At last I could stand it no longer : so I told him outright I
did not wonder that he got himself suspected as a corrupter
of youth and I would hear no more.

So I walked off before he could stop me ; but I think him
a horrid man and so ugly too. Indeed, Mamma, I think the
married philosophers are worse than the others, and so I had
better go back to the unmarried ones, don't you think ?

Good-bye, dear Mamma, with love from

Your affectionate

ELIZABETH.

CORINTH.

DEAREST MAMMA,

Such a splendid place ! And such a strange man !
You might have told me what Mr. Diogenes was like, because
when I arrived to-day and was shown into (do you say " into,"
Mamma ? — because it wasn't) his tub and found him lying in
a dirty wooden thing, I laughed out loud — and it would have
been rude if he hadn't been asleep. He just rolled out all
dirty and shaggy and gaped (such teeth, Mamma !) and said
<( Ah ! stand out (yawn) my sun ". So absurd ! Because
it was as dull as could be, and I said straight out : " There
isn't any ". He was quite amazed ; and he gaped at me (such
a gaby he is, Mamma !) and began to feel about in his tub
and pulled out a plucked fowl. I had been thinking there
was a very queer smell, but was afraid it might seem rude to
remark on it. He held it out by the neck, horrid creature,
and said: "Plato's man, the ' featherless biped ' ! " and laughed
so loud. He must be a little mad, don't you think, Mamma ?
So I just said: "I don't understand you at all". And he
stammered and said : " Oh, ah, er — I'm expected to say these
things, you know. My reputation, you know." So silly, be-
cause no one you would like me to know has such things.
Then he actually squatted down in his horrible tub and
turned his back on me. I'm sure no Englishman would do
that; and he growled out, "I've conquered pleasure," and I was
so disgusted, Mamma, because none of the best people would
ever think of doing that, that I said sharply : "What a silly

VISITS TO PHILOSOPHERS. 83

thing to do ". He shifted a little and I saw he was looking
at me out of the corners of his eyes. " Socrates was a fool,"
he growled. "He has got a house," said I. "He visited
Diotima " (do you spell it like that, Mamma? of course you
know her). And then the horrible people began to laugh.
"And a greater than Diotima is here," he said, and he
squirmed round in his tub and looked up at me with such
an oily smile. And the people giggled so that I was quite
uncomfortable, and said, " It's very good of you," and I felt so
stupid. He has big muscles in his arms and all over, only I
do hate men with beards.

I tried to remember what you told me, Mamma, so I asked
him what he had learnt from his studies, and he answered in
jerks at once as if he was wound up : " To be able — to endure
— my own company ". And the silly people clapped. It seems
that is what he always says, Mamma ; so I asked him if it
was hard, and he said, "Oh — ah — er — "just like before, and he
looked so uncomfortable that I said I expected it was, just to
help him out. And I was wondering what I ought to say
next, because I'm not used to talking to a man in his tub,
Mamma, when he cried out, " Give me — madness — rather
than — pleasure," in the same jerks, and they said a sort of
" Hear, hear ! " So I said I was afraid I couldn't give him
either, and I asked him if he could teach me anything else.
That puzzled him again, and he squirmed about in his tub
and said at last, " All that any man could teach you ". And I
told him I had nothing to learn from men ; I wanted to learn
from a philosopher. He cried out, " Is not the philosopher
a man? " and I said I had no reason to think so. Then he
actually stood up and took my hand in his dirty fingers and
said, " Share my wisdom and my tub ! " I was so astonished,
Mamma, that I could only giggle and say you didn't approve
of mixed bathing. And then his beard got quite bristly and
he screamed, " Elizabeth, the philosopher does not wash " ;
and I said I had guessed that and managed to get away.
But if that is the way the philosophers propose in Corinth,
Mamma, I think they've neglected their opportunities for
education. Corinth itself is a lovely place, something like
Paris, but I didn't think the girls nearly as pretty as I had
been told. And they didn't dress as much as Parisiennes. I
do think men exaggerate frightfully about some sorts of girls.
But I saw some nice-looking men in the town — only
mademoiselle wouldn't let me stop. Good-bye, dearest
Mamma.

Your affectionate daughter,

ELIZABETH.

84 L. IN HEE GRIN :

VI.

WEIMAR.

DEAREST MAMMA,

Whom do you suppose I have visited to-day ?
You'll never guess, so I may as well tell you. I've called
on Frau Schopenhauer, the novelist (not that I can read
German novels, I think French are ever so much nicer and
so instructive !), and got myself introduced to her son Arthur,
the great pessimist. He was looking very grumpy, but he
soon cheered up when I talked to him. He thinks life is
not worth living, and we ought all to starve ourselves or at
least desire nothing and be as humble and meek as the
Christian Saints. Isn't he too funny? Not that he is at
all like that himself really, but they say he has a terrible
temper and is a perfectly awful woman hater. But he was
very amusing all the same, and I fancy he rather liked
me, for he said he would call at the hotel to-morrow after-
noon.

Later. — I hardly feel equal, dearest Mamma, to telling you
all that has happened since I began this letter. For I am
really feeling quite upset and as you see my hand is still
trembling. But I am quite sure that that Schopenhauer is
either a brute or a madman and I can't think what would
have happened if I had not managed to ring the bell. He
was perfectly furious and I nearly fainted after he was gone,
though you know, dearest Mamma, that I was never brought
up to do anything of the sort. Anyhow you may be sure of
one thing and that is that I will never go on a visit to another
philosopher. The idea of sending innocent girls to them
to become less frivolous ! Why they are quite as bad as
ordinary people, if not worse ! Only their manners are
ever so much worse, and they haven't the slightest ap-
preciation of dress. On thinking it over, I know this will
be a great disappointment to you, so we will compromise
on this — I won't visit any more philosophers on my own
to whom I have not been regularly introduced by you (you
don't know any I am pretty sure !). Besides Valmond
will be getting into mischief if I stay away from him
much longer, and Lady Cecilia wrote me that odious.
Mrs. Smith was after him again. So I shall have to
come back and box the ears of one or both of them again !
So you may expect soon to be kissed by your affectionate,
daughter,

ELIZABETH.

"ELIZABETH'S" VISITS TO PHILOSOPHERS. 85

VII.

THE MITRE, OXFORD.

DEAREST MAMMA,

You will hardly believe me after my last letter when
I say I have been to visit another philosopher after all ! And
a very annoying and disappointing visit it was too, though
quite different from any of the others. But the fact was
that I felt that I had been writing you such perfectly sweet
letters, and got so much good ' copy ' (as those horrid press-
men call it), that I really must publish them somewhere.
You know my other letters about my visits to fashionable
people have been selling by thousands and are bringing me
in heaps of money. And though we are rich you know that
money is a thing one can never have too much of. And even
though of course not so many people are interested in those
silly old philosophers as in smart people I thought my name
would enable me to turn an honest penny. So I wrote a
little note to the dear old Archbishop of Canterbury and
asked him what was the leading philosophic paper and when
he told me it was MIND ! I asked his son (whom I met at
the Eights) where the Editor lived. It appeared that he
lived at Corpus, a dear little out-of-the-way college you have
probably never been to, and that he lived over the gateway.
I thought the porter looked just a little surprised when I
walked straight up and into the rooms. Fortunately he was
in. Although I had been told he was called the Cave-Bear, he
seemed quite pleased to see me, though a little embarrassed at
first, until I told him I was Elizabeth. Then he smiled and
said it had been his good fortune to owe much to Elizabeths.
For instance the ornamental ceiling in his room had been put
in in honour of Elizabeth. " What," I cried, " of that horrid
old bore with the German Garden?" (He has beautiful
rooms, but so dusty, which he says is the fault of his scout.
But why doesn't he get dear Baden Powell's Aids to Scouting
and make him read that ?) Well, it seems that it wasn't that
Elizabeth at all, but the stupid old queen I used to have to read
about at school in the history books, who used to make all the
young men at court flirt with her, which I thought most unfair.

Just then there was a knock and a man in a flaming tie
burst in — and when he saw me he gasped and said, " Oh —
ah — I beg your pardon," and slammed the door, and the
Editor ran after him and called, " Mr. Smith," and I heard a
voice choking with laughter say, "No — I — I — it's all right,"
and soon afterwards they seemed so merry in the quad, I
wanted to look out.

86 L. IN HER GRIN :

However he was very pleasant about my letters and said
he would be delighted to publish them in MIND ! Then he
made me some tea (which was good) and some puns (which
were bad) and altogether was so nice that I thought he was
going to be nicer still. In fact, I think he is the only one of
all these philosophers whom I have visited who seemed to
be what could possibly be called a gentleman.

But, and here comes the matter which made my visit such
a disappointment, it is a humiliating confession to make,
that he never proposed to me or said anything even remotely
tending in that direction ! It was not that I did not lead
up to it, indeed I almost told him that that was what all nice
men were expected to do. But I was afraid he might think
it rude. So I only asked him what he thought of Loves
Dynamics, and he replied he was no mathematician, but that
if I was, I should probably need also to study the Hydrostatics
of Grief, and finally I inquired what modern philosophers
thought about the import of the proposal. " You mean, I
suppose, of the proposition," he replied, and as I was weak
enough to agree, I had as a punishment to listen to a little
lecture on what he assured me was moderation logic. If that
is logic in moderation, excess in it must be the most detest-
able thing in the world ! And all the time I was wondering
why he behaved so differently from the rest and didn't propose !
Wasn't he stupid ? Can you understand it, dearest Mamma ?
I can't l and I wish you would explain it to me ! Else I shall
be beginning to think there is something in that silly old
philosophy after all. At least I will if I ever meet another
philosopher like that. But it's very puzzling and makes me
tired. So good-bye, dearest Mamma, for to-day.

Your affectionate

ELIZABETH.

PS. You needn't be alarmed about my becoming philo-
sophic. When I am Marchioness of Valmond I shall never
meet another philosopher !

1 [1 can.— ED., MIND !]

XIX.— A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK.

BY SNARKOPHILUS SNOBBS.

IT is a recognised maxim of literary ethics that none but
the dead can deserve a commentary, seeing that they can no
longer either explain themselves or perturb the explanations of
those who devote themselves to the congenial, and frequently
not unprofitable, task of making plain what was previously
obscure, and profound what was previously plain. Hence it
is easily understood that the demise of the late lamented
Lewis Carroll has opened a superb field to the labours of the
critical commentator, and that the classical beauties of the
two Alices are not likely long to remain unprovided with those
aids to comprehension which the cultivated reader so greatly
needs.

The purpose of the present article, however, is a more am-
bitious one. Most of Lewis Carroll's non-mathematical
writings are such that even the dullest of grown-ups can
detect, more or less vaguely, their import ; but the Hunting
of the Snark may be said to have hitherto baffled the adult
understanding. It is to lovers of Lewis Carroll what Bordello
is to lovers of Kobert Browning, or The Shaving of Shagpat to
Meredithians. In other words, it has frequently been con-
sidered magnificent but not sense. The author himself
anticipated the possibility of such criticism and defends
himself against it in his preface, by appealing to the ' strong
moral purpose ' of his poem, to the arithmetical principles it
inculcates, to 'its noble teachings in Natural History'. But
prefatory explanations are rig;htly disregarded by the public,
and it must be admitted that in Lewis Carroll's case they do
but little to elucidate the Mystery of the Snark, which, it has
been calculated,1 has been responsible for 49J per cent, of the
cases of insanity and nervous breakdown which have occurred
during the last ten years.

It is clear then that a COMMENTARY ON THE HUNTING OF
THE SNARK is the greatest desideratum of English Literature

1 See the Colney Hatch Contributions to Sociology for 1899, p. 983.

88 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS :

at present ; and this the author of the present essay flatters
himself that he has provided. Not that he would wish the
commentary itself to be regarded as exhaustive or as anything
more than a vindemiatio prima of so fruitful a subject : but he
would distinctly advance the claim to have discovered the
key to the real meaning and philosophical significance of this
most remarkable product of human imagination.

What then is the meaning of the Snark ? Or that we
may not appear to beg the question let us first ask — how
do we know that the Snark has a meaning ? The answer is
simple ; Lewis Carroll assures us that it not only has a mean-
ing but even a moral purpose. Hence we may proceed with
his assurance and our own.

I will not weary you with an autobiographical narrative of
the way in which I discovered the solution of the Snark's
mystery ; suffice it to say that insight came to me suddenly,
as unto Buddha under the Bo-tree, as I was sitting under an
Arrowroot in a western prairie. The theory of the Snark
which I then excogitated has stood the test of time, and of a
voyage across the Atlantic, in the course of which I was more
than tempted to throw overboard all my most cherished con-
victions, and I have little doubt that when you have heard
my evidence you will share my belief.

I shall begin by stating the general argument of the Snark
and proceed to support it by detailed comment. In the
briefest possible manner, then, I assert that the Snark is
the Absolute, dear to pholisophers, and that the hunting of
the Snark is the pursuit of the Absolute. Even as thus
barely stated the theory all but carries instantaneous convic-
tion ; it is infinitely more probable than that the Snark should
be an electioneering device or a treatise on " society " or a
poetical narrative of the discovery of America, to instance
a few of the fatuous suggestions with which I have been
deluged since I began to inquire into the subject. But
further considerations will easily raise the antecedent prob-
ability that the Snark is the Absolute to certainty. The
Absolute, as I venture to remark for the benefit of any un-
pholisophical enough still to enjoy that ignorance thereof
which is bliss, is a fiction which is supposed to do for
pholisophers everything they can't do for themselves. It
performs the same functions in philosophy as infinity in
mathematics ; when in doubt you send for the Absolute ; if
something is impossible for us, it is therefore possible for the
Absolute ; what is nonsense to us is therefore sense to the
Absolute and vice versa ; what we do not know, the Absolute
knows ; in short it is the apotheosis of topsyturvydom. . Now

A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 89

Lewis Carroll as a man of sense did not believe in the Absolute,
but he recognised that it could best be dealt with in parables.

The Hunting of the Snark, therefore, is intended to describe
Humanity in search of the Absolute, and to exhibit the vanity
of the pursuit. For no one attains to the Absolute but the
Baker, the miserable madman who has left his intelligence
behind before embarking. And when he does find the Snark,
it turns out to be a Boojurn, and he ' softly and silently
vanished away '. That is, the Absolute can be attained only
by the loss of personality, which is merged in the Boojum.
The Boojum is the Absolute, as the One which absorbs the
Many, and danger of this is the 'moral purpose ' whereof Lewis
Carroll speaks so solemnly in his preface. Evidently we are
expected to learn the lesson that the Snark will always-tuTU out
a Boojum, and the dramatic variety of the incidents only serves
to lead up to this most thrilling and irreparable catastrophe.

But I proceed to establish this interpretation in detail.
(1) We note that the poem has 8 fits. These clearly re-
present the Time-process in which the Absolute is supposed
to be revealed, and at the same time hint that Life as a whole
is a Survival of the Fit. But why 8 and not 7 or 9 ? Evi-
dently because by revolving 8 through an angle of 90° it
becomes the symbol for Infinity, which is often regarded as
an equivalent of the Absolute. (2) The vessel clearly is
Humanity and in the crew are represented various human
activities by which it is supposed we may aspire to the
Absolute. We may dwell a little on the significance of the
various members of the crew. They are ten in number and
severally described as a Bellman, a Butcher, a Banker, a
Beaver, a Broker, a Barrister, a Bonnetmaker, a Billiard-
marker, a Boots and a Baker. It is obvious that all these
names begin with a 'B,' and somewhat remarkable that
even the Snark turns out a Boojum. This surely indicates
that we are here dealing with the most ultimate of all
questions, viz., 'to be or not to be,' and that it is answered
in the universal affirmative — B at any cost !

Next let us inquire what these personages represent. In
the leading figure, that of the Bellman, we easily recognise
Christianity, the bell being the characteristically Christian
implement, and the hegemony of humanity being equally
obvious. Emboldened by this success, it is easy to make out
that the Butcher is Mohammedanism, and the Banker Judaism,
while the Beaver represents the aspirations of the animals
towards TO delov.1 The anonymous Baker is, of course, the

1 Cp. Aristotle, Eth. Nich., vii., 13, 6.

90 SNAKKOPHILUS SNOBBS :

hero of the story, and the "forty-two boxes all carefully
packed with his name painted clearly on each " which he
" left behind on the beach " typify the contents of his mind,
which he lost before starting on his quest.

The Barrister is clearly the type of the logician and brought
' to arrange their disputes '. He too has dreams about the
Absolute and wearies himself by proving in vain that the
"Beaver's lacemaking was wrong"; as any one who has
studied modern logic can testify, it does dream about the
Absolute and is always ' proving in vain '.

The Broker brought ' to value their goods ' (ayaOa) is evi-
dently moral philosophy. The "Billiard-marker whose skill
was immense " is certainly Art, which would grow too en-
grossing ( = " might perhaps have won more than his share ")
but for the pecuniary considerations represented by the Banker
(Judaism) who " had the whole of their cash in his care ".

In the Boots we can hardly hesitate to recognise Literature,
which serves to put literary polish upon the outer integu-
ments of the other intellectual pursuits.

The Bonnetmaker finally is manifestly the Fashion, without
which it would have been madness to embark upon so vast
an undertaking.

Having thus satisfactorily accounted for the dramatis
persona I proceed to comment on the action.

F. 1, st. 1.

" Just the place for a Snark the Bellman cried,

As he landed his crew with care.

Supporting each man on the top of the tide

By a finger entwined in his hair."

The meaning evidently is that Christianity "touches the
highest part of man and supports us from above ".

F. 1, st. 12.

" He would joke with hyenas."

It is well known that few animals have a keener sense of
humour than hyenas and that no animal can raise a heartier
laugh than the right sort of hyena.

"And he once went a walk paw-in-paw with a bear."

The learned Prof. Grubwitz has discovered a characteristic-
ally Teutonic difficulty here. In his monumental commen-
tary on the Shaving of Shagpat, he points out that as human
the Baker had no paws and could not possibly therefore
have offered a paw to a bear. Hence he infers that the text
is corrupt. The " w " of the second " paw " is evidently, he
thinks, due to the dittograph initial letter of the succeeding

A COMMENTARY ON THE SXARK. 91

"with". The original "papa" having thus been corrupted
into a " papaw " (a tropical tree not addicted to locomotion),
an ingenious scribe inserted "w-in" giving a specious but
mistaken meaning. The original reading was "papa with a
bear," and indicates that a forebear or ancestor was intended.
So far Grubwitz, who if he had been more familiar with
English slang would doubtless have dealt with the text in a
more forbearing and less overbearing manner. Anyhow the
difficulty is gratuitous, for it must be admitted that the whole
stanza is calculated to give any one paws.

"Just to keep up its spirits he said."

It was probably depressed because it could only make a bare
living.

In the second Fit the first point of importance would seem
to be the Bellman's map. This is manifestly intended for a
description of the Summum Bonum or Absolute Good, which
represents one of the favourite methods of attaining the
Absolute. Moreover, as Aristotle shows, a knowledge of the
Summum Bonum is of great value to humanity in crossing the
ocean of life, although its reA.o? is ov yvayo-is a\\a Trpafys.

F. 2, st. 2.

"What's the good of Mercators, North Poles and Equators,

Tropics, Zones and Meridian Lines? "

These terms evidently ridicule the attempt made in various
ways to fill in the conception of the Summum Bonum, but I
confess I cannot identify the chief philosophic notions in
their geographical disguises.

F. 2, st. 6.

" When he cried ' Steer to starboard, but keep her head

larboard ! '
What on earth was the helmsman to do ? "

The question in the first place is quite irrelevant, as the
helmsman was not on earth but at sea and likely to remain
there. Still, bearing in mind the effect of this remarkable
nautical manoeuvre, we may perhaps make bold to answer :
" He should have turned tail ! " For the effect upon the ship
would be to make it toss and, as the Bellman obviously pre-
ferred the head, the helmsman should have cried " Tails ! "

F. 2, st. 9.

"Yet at first the crew were not pleased with the view,
Which consisted of chasms and crags."

When Humanity first really catches a glimpse of the local
habitation of the Absolute in the writings of the pholisophers,

92 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS I

it is disappointed and appalled by its "chasms and crags,"
i.e., the difficulties and obscurities of these authors' account.

F. 2, st. 10.

' ' The Bellman perceived that their spirits were low,

And repeated in musical tone

Some jokes he had kept for a season of woe,

But the crew would do nothing but groan."

Tutors have been known to adopt similar methods with a
similar effect.

F. 2, st. 15. We now come to what is perhaps the most
crucial point in our commentary, namely, "the five unmis-
takable marks, by which you may know, wheresoever you go,
the warranted Genuine Snarks. Let us take them in order.
The first is its taste, which is meagre and hollow but crisp ;
like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist with a flavour
of Will-o'-the-Wisp."

1. The taste of the Snark is the taste for the Absolute,
which is not emotionally satisfactory, ' meagre and hollow,
but crisp ' and hence attractive to the Baker, while the elusive-
ness of the Absolute sufficiently explains the ' flavour of Will-
o'-the-wisp'. Its affinity for ' a coat that is rather too tight in
the waist ' applies only to its ' meagre and hollow ' character ;
for unless the coat were hollow you could not get into it,
while it would, of course, be meagre or "scanty if if were ' too
tight in the waist '.

2. " Its habit of getting up late you'll agree
That it carries too far when I say,
That it frequently breakfasts at five o'clock tea -
And dines on the following day."

In this the poet shows, in four lines, what many pholi-
'sophers have vainly essayed to prove in as many volumes,
namely that the Absolute is not, and cannot be, in Time.

3. " The third is its slowness in taking a jest.
Should you happen to venture on one,
It will sigh like a thing that is deeply distressed ;
And it always looks grave at a pun."

This third characteristic of the Absolute is also found in
many of its admirers, I am sorry to say. It is best passed
over in silence, as our author says elsewhere, without " a
shriek or a scream, scarcely even a howl or a groan ".

4. " The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines
Which it constantly carries about,
And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes,
A sentiment open to doubt."

A COMMENTAKY ON THE SNABK. 93

The ' philosophic desperado ' in pursuit of Nirvana achieves
his fell design by a purificatory plunge into the ocean of
Absolute Being. This, however, is not an aesthetic spectacle
which ' adds to the beauty of scenes,' and hence the Snark
obligingly carries bathing-machines about in order that in Mr.
Gladstone's phrase " essential decency may be preserved ".

5. " The fifth is ambition." The Snark's ambition is to
become a Boojurn, of course. It always succeeds with those
who are prepared to meet it half-way. You will doubtless
have noticed that the five unmistakable criteria of Snarkhood
we have just considered are all of a spiritual character and
throw no light upon its material appearance. The reason
no doubt is that our author was aware of the Protean
character of the Absolute's outward appearance, and with
true scientific caution did not pretend to give an exhaustive
description of the various species of Snark. What, however,
he does know he is not loth to tell, and so he bids us dis-
tinguish " those that have feathers and bite from those that
have whiskers and scratch ". In this it is needless to seek
for a causal connexion between the possession of feathers
and mordant habits. The fact is simply mentioned to
distinguish these snarks from birds which have feathers
but — since the extinction of the Archaopteryx and Hesperornis
— have long ceased to wear genuine teeth and to bite, and
angels which have feathers but don't bite, not because they
are physically, but because they are morally, incapable of
so doing. Similarly it would be fanciful to connect the
scratching, which is attributed to the second kind of Snark,
with the possession of whiskers even in an inchoate con-
dition. But v. infra for the doubt about the reading.

Let us consider therefore first the information about the
outward characteristics of these snarks. Some have feathers,
some have whiskers. There is no difficulty about the former.
We simply compare the well-known Poem of Emerson on
Brahma ; in which the latter points out to those who object
to being parts of the Absolute, that "when me they fly I
am the wings ". If wings, then probably feathers ; for the
featheiiess wings of insects are utterly unworthy of any kind
of Snark.

The mention of snarks with whiskers on the other hand
constitutes a difficulty. For we cannot attribute anything
so anthropomorphic to the Absolute. There is, however,
evidence of a various reading. The Bodleian MS. Bf 48971,
which is supposed to be in the author's own handwriting,
reads whiskey instead of whiskers. The change is a slight one,
but significant. For we may then compare Spinoza's well-

94 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS :

known views about the Absolute, which caused him to be
euphemistically described as ' a God-intoxicated man '. It
should also be remembered that various narcotics such as
bhang, opium, hashish, arrack, etc., have been used to pro-
duce the mystic union of the devotee or debauchee with the
Absolute, and many hold that whiskey is as good as any of
them.

It remains to account for the habit of the Snark in biting
and scratching. The learned Grubwitz, to whom allusion
has already been made, thinks that these terms are intended
to indicate respectively the male and female forms of the
Snark (who, in his opinion, represents the university student
who is qapable of becoming a Boojum — a professor causing
all who meet him "softly and silently to vanish away").
The demonstrable absurdity of his general theory of the
Snark encourages me to reject also Grubwitz' interpretation
in detail, in spite of my respect for his learning. I should
prefer, therefore, to explain the biting and scratching more
simply as due to the bad temper naturally engendered in so
inordinately hunted an animal.

The Third Fit opens, as the reader will doubtless remember,
with the attempts made to restore the fainting Baker.

41 They roused him with muffins, they roused him with ice,
They roused him with mustard and cress,
They roused him with jam and judicious advice,
They set him conundrums to guess "

Such as, probably, Riddles of the Sphinx. The other means
seem to have been injudicious.

Skipping, with the Bellman, the Baker's father and mother,
we come to his "dear uncle," who, lying on his death-bed,
was able to give the important information which has proved
so epoch-making in the history of Snarkology.

And first let us ask who was the "dear uncle"? In
answering this question wTe not only gratify oar scientific
curiosity but also discover the name of the Baker, our " hero
unnamed," as he is subsequently (F. 8, st. 4) called. Now
it must be admitted that we are not told the uncle's name
either, but I think that from the account given there can be
little doubt but that it ought to have been Hegel. Now a
distinguished Oxford pholisopher has proved that what may
be and ought to be, that .'. is; and so the inference is
practically certain.

F. 3, st. 7.

" He remarked to me then, said that mildest of men,
If your Snark be a Snark, that is right ;

A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 95

Fetch it home by all means — you may serve
It with greens " — T. H. Green's to wit—
" And it's handy for striking a light."

It is well known that Hegel thought that the wrong kind of
Absolute (that of the other professors) was ' like the night in
which all cows are black'. It follows that the right kind —
his own — would conversely serve as an illummant.

F. 3, st. 8.

" You may seek it with thimbles — and seek it with care,

You may hunt it with forks and hope,

You may threaten its life with a railway share,

Y^ou may charm it with smiles and soap."

" You may seek it with thimbles " — this passage is repeated
in F. 4, st. 8, by the Bellman, whose subsequent remark in st.
10, " To rig yourselves out for the fight," explains its mean-
ing. Evidently Lewis Carroll here meant subtly to suggest
that the pursuit of the Absolute was a form of intellectual
thimble-rigging.

" You may hunt it with forks and hope." Just as only
the brave can deserve the fair, so only the forktunate can
hope to attain the Absolute. There is no justification for
depicting Care and Hope as allegorical females joining in
the hunt, as the illustrator has done. Altogether the serious
student cannot be too emphatically warned against -this
plausible impostor's pictures ; they have neither historic
authority nor philosophic profundity. He attributes, e.g., a
Semitic physiognomy to the Broker instead of to the Banker ;
he persistently represents the Baker as clean-shaven and
bald, in spite of the statement (in F. 4, st. 11) that " The
Baker with care combed his whiskers and hair," and his
picture of the Snark exhibits neither feathers nor whiskers !
"You may threaten its life with a railway share." This
alludes to the deleterious effect of modern enlightenment and
modern improvements on the vitality of the Absolute. " You
may charm it with smiles and soap." I.e. adulation and
ascetic practices, soap being the substance most abhorrent
to Fakirs and Indian sages generally, and therefore suggest-
ing the highest degree of asceticism.

But after all, the momentous revelation of the Baker's
uncle is neither his account of the methods of hunting the
Snark— they are commonplace enough and he evidently did
not choose to divulge his own patent of the Dialectical Method
— nor yet his account of the use to which the Absolute may
be put — it is trivial enough in all conscience — but rather the
possibility — nay, as in the light of subsequent events we must

96 SNARKOPHILUS SNOBBS :

call it, the certainty — that the Snark is a Boojum. No wonder
that even the dauntless Baker could not endure the thought
that if he met with a Boojum he would " softly and suddenly
vanish away," and that the Bellman " looked uffish and
wrinkled his brow ". He was of course bound to conceal his
emotions and to take an umshial view of the dilemma. So
his reproaches are temperate—

" But surely, my man, when the voyage began

You might have suggested it then,

It's excessively awkward to mention it now."

" . . . And the man they called Hi ! replied, with a sigh,

I informed you the day we embarked —

I said it in Hebrew, I said it in Dutch,

I said it in German and Greek,

But I wholly forgot, and it vexes me much,

That English is what you speak."

The accounts of the Absolute in German and Greek are
famous, while the Hebrew and Dutch probably both refer to
Spinoza, who was a Dutch Jew, though he wrote in bad
Latin. The forgetting to speak (and write) English is a
common symptom in the pursuit of the Absolute.

R 4, st. 13.

" While the Billiard-marker with quivering hand
Was chalking the tip of his nose."

Art, when brought face to face with the imminence of the
Absolute, recoils upon itself.

The argument of the Fifth Fit is broadly this, that the
Butcher and the Beaver both hit upon the same method of
approaching the Absolute, by way of the higher mathematics,
and so become reconciled. Into the reason of this coinci-
dence, and the rationality of this method it boots not to
inquire, the more so as it proved abortive, and neither of
them were destined to discover the Snark. That they were
brought together, however, by their common fear of the
Jubjub Bird is interesting, and could doubtless be explained
if we could determine the meaning of that volatile creature.

Let us ask, then, what is the Jubjub ? In reply I shall
dismiss, with the brevity which is the soul both of wit and
contempt, the preposterous suggestion that the Jubjub is the
Pelican. But I am free to confess that I have spent many a
sleepless night over the Jubjub. Philologically indeed it was
not difficult to discover that Jubjub is a ' portmanteau bird,'
compounded of 'jabber' and 'jujube,' but even this did not
seem at first to give much of a clue to the problem. Finally,
however, it struck me that the author had, with the true

A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 97

prescience and generosity of genius, himself stated the solution
of the riddle in the line immediately preceding his description
of the Jubjub. It is —

" Would have caused quite a thrill in Society ".

It flashed across me that the Jubjub was Society itself, and
if I may quote the account of the Jubjub's habits it will
be seen how perfectly this solution covers the facts.

" As to temper the Jubjub's a desperate bird
Since it lives in perpetual passion."

This describes the desperate struggle and rush which pre-
vails in Society.

" Its taste in costume is entirely absurd,
It is ages ahead of the fashion."

How profoundly true this is ! To be in Society this is what
we must aim at ; we can never be in fashion unless we are
ahead of the fashion.

" But it knows any friend it has met once before."

It is most important in Society to remember the people you
have met even once, alike whether you intend to recognise
them or to cut them ; otherwise vexatious mistakes will occur.
There is subtle sarcasm also in the use of the term ' friend '
to describe such chance acquaintances.

" It never will look at a bribe."
Such is its anxiety to pocket it.

" And in charity-meetings it stands at the door
And collects, though it does not subscribe."

No one who has ever had anything to do with charity-
bazaars can fail to recognise this !

" Its flavour when cooked is more exquisite far
Than mutton or oysters or eggs."

The taste for Society is of all the most engrossing.

" Some think it keeps best in an ivory jar
And some in mahogany kegs."

Some think Society appears to best advantage in an ivory
jar, i.e., a 'crush' of ddcollettes women, others at a dinner
party over the mahogany board.

" You boil it in sawdust ; you salt it in glue."

Dust is American slang for money, so ' sawdust ' is put
metri gratia for ' sordid-dust '. That is, Society is boiled, i.e.,
raised to the effervescence of the greatest excitement, by

98 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS :

filthy lucre. " You salt it in glue." ' Salt ' is short for
' to captivate by putting salt on its tail,' ' glue ' is put meta-
phorically for * adhesiveness,' and the whole, therefore, means
that Society is captured by pertinacity.

"You condense it with locusts and tape."

I.e., lest it should become too thin, you thicken it with
parasitic ' diners out ' to amuse it, and officials (addicted to
red tape) to lend it solemnity.

" Still keeping one principal object in view,
To preserve its symmetrical shape."

The importance of keeping the proper ' form ' of Society
intact is too obvious to need comment. It is hardly neces-
sary to add also that the reluctance of the Mohammedan and
the animal to face a society in which the female sex domin-
ates to such an extent fully explains their common fear of
the Jubjub. Lastly it is clear that a word compounded of
jabber and jujubes, the latter being used metaphorically for
all unwholesome delights, Turkish and otherwise, is a very
judicious description of Society.

The Sixth Fit is occupied with the interlude of the
Barrister's dream, which seems to have been prophetic in
character and throws further light on the Absolute. That
Logic should dream of the Absolute will not of course sur-
prise those who have followed the recent aberrations of the
subject. Let us consider then this dream of Logic's.

F. 6, st. 3.

" He dreamed that he stood in a shadowy Court,
Where the Snark with a glass in its eye,
Dressed in gown, bands and wig, was defending a pig
On the charge of deserting its sty."

The pig was probably Epicuri de grege jiorcus, and the
charge of deserting its sty was a charge of pig-sticking or
suicide. For, as the divine Plato excellently shows in the
Phado (62 B), to commit suicide is to desert one's post,
and so to desert the four posts of the pigsty must be still
worse.

F. 6, st. 4.

" The Witnesses proved, without error or flaw,
That the sty was deserted when found,
And the Judge kept explaining the state of the law
In a soft undercurrent of sound."

The Judge is Conscience, the exponent of the Moral Law,
noted for its still small voice.

A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 99

F. 6, st. 6.

" The Jury had each formed a different view,

Long before the indictment was read,

And they all spoke at once, so that none of them knew

One word that the others had said."

The Jury is Public Opinion which was evidently (as so often)
very much perplexed by the pigculiarities of the case.

F. 6, st. 7.

" ' You must know ' said the Judge ; but the Snark ex-
claimed * Fudge ! '
' That statute is obsolete quite ;

Let me tell you, my friends, the whole question depends
On an ancient manorial right.' '

The question was whether the pig was free, or ascriptus
harce, justly ' penned in its pen '. In other words, does being
born involve a moral obligation to remain alive ?
F. 6, st. 8.

" In the matter of Treason the pig would appear.

To have aided but scarcely abetted."

For a soldier to desert his post is, or may be, treason
hence the charge of treason against the suicide.

" While the charge of Insolvency fails, it is clear,
If you grant the plea ' never indebted '."

The suicide is accused of insolvency, of failing to meet the
obligations which life imposes on him. His reply is ' never
indebted,' he owes life nothing, he received no ' stipend ' and
will not be ' sued for a debt he never did contract '.

F. 6, st. 9.

" The fact of Desertion I will not dispute,
But its guilt, as I trust, is removed
(So far as relates to the costs of this suit)
By the Alibi which has been proved."

You prove an alibi by not being there. The pig's defence
was that it was not there or not all there, in other words,
not compos mentis. That is, the old excuse of temporary
insanity !

F. 6, st. 10.

" But the Judge said he never had summed up before,
So the Snark undertook it instead."

Conscience has to pronounce judgment upon the particular
case, but this particular case has never occurred before ; hence
Conscience finds itself unable to decide and leaves the matter
to the Absolute. The attitude of Public Opinion is similar.

100 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS :

" when the verdict was called for the Jury declined," and
" ventured to hope that the Snark wouldn't mind undertaking
that duty as well ".

In the end the Absolute not only has to defend the offender
and take his guilt upon Itself, but also, as ev teal irav, to assume
all the other functions as well, to find the verdict and to pro-
nounce the sentence. Its readiness to do this is suspicious,
and suggests the idea that it was acting collusively through-
out in pretending to defend the pig.

" So the Snark found the verdict," where we are not told,
but what we might have anticipated.

" When it said the word GUILTY, the Jury all groaned
And some of them fainted away."

The verdict involved a shock to enlightened Public Opinion,
like that of the Dreyfus case. The sentence after that seemed
comparatively light and so was received with approval.

" ' Transportation for life,' was the sentence it gave,
' And then to be fined forty pound.'
The Jury all cheered, though the Judge said he feared
That the phrase was not legally sound."

The sentence was of course absurd, for the suicide had
already transported himself out of jurisdiction.

F. 6, st. 15.

" But their wild exultation was suddenly checked
When the JAILER informed them with tears,
Such a sentence would have not the slightest effect
As the pig had been dead for some years."

The JAILER, whose duty it is to keep the pigs in their styes,
is the doctor. After all, you can do nothing with a successful
suicide.

F. 6, st. 16.

" The Judge left the Court looking deeply disgusted :
But the Snark, though a little aghast,
As the lawyer to whom the defence was intrusted,
Went bellowing on to the last."

Though such events shock the Conscience, the Absolute is
unabashed.

The Seventh Fit is devoted to the Banker's fate and perhaps
the most prophetic of any. For no discerning reader of this
commentary can fail to recognise that it forecasts the en-
counter of Judaism with Anti-Semiticism. Let us follow
the description of this disgraceful episode in contemporary
history.

A COMMENTARY ON THE SNABK. 101

F. 7, St. 3.

" A Bandersnatch swiftly drew nigh

And grabbed at the Banker, who shrieked in despair

For he knew it- was useless to fly.

He offered large discount — he offered a cheque

(Drawn to bearer) for seven-pounds-ten :

But the Bandersnatch merely extended its neck

And grabbed at the Banker again."

The Anti-Semitic Bandersnatch shows that it cannot be
bribed by insufficient ' ransom,' and that two can play at a
game of grab.

" Without rest or pause — while those frumious jaws
Went savagely snapping around,

He skipped and he hopped, and he floundered and flopped
Till fainting he fell to the ground."

After the Anti-Semitic rioters had been driven off, it was
found that the Banker —

" . . . was black in the face, and they scarcely could trace
The least likeness to what he had been :
While so great was his fright that his waistcoat turned white —
A wonderful thing to be seen ! "

This alludes to the wonderful affinity Judaism has for
clothing, and we may parallel this passage by referring to
Shakespeare's (?) Merchant of Venice, Act ii., Scene 1. There
an insult offered to his ' Jewish gaberdine ' produces a power-
ful emotional effect upon Shy lock. Here conversely the
ill-treatment of their wearer calls forth a sympathetic com-
pensatory effect on the part of the clothes.

In the Eighth Fit the Tragedy reaches its consummation
and comment is almost needless.

It must be read, not without tears, and every line in it
confirms the view we have taken of the Snark.

F. 8, st. 8.

" Erect and sublime, for one moment of time."

I.e., before becoming a moment in the timeless Absolute.

F. 8, st. 9.

" In the midst of the word he was trying to say,
In the midst of his laughter and glee,
He had softly and silently vanished away
For the Snark was a Boojum you see."

One can't help feeling a little sorry for the Baker person-
ally, but nevertheless the verdict of Philosophy must be :
" So perish all who brave the Snark again ! "

XX.— THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY.

II. — MODEKN PHILOSOPHY.

IT may have occasioned some surprise to the readers of
this History of Philosophy to find how far down the range of
Ancient Philosophy has been extended. But a little reflex-
ion will show them that the dividing line has been drawn in
the only logical place, viz., betiveen the dead and the living. All
defunct philosophers must necessarily be esteemed ancient
philosophers, inasmuch as after death a philosopher at
once falls a prey to commentators, is no longer able to
speak for himself, and cannot be asked to explain what

the d he meant. He has in short won his way to the

inaccessible.

It is evident therefore that the distinction between the
dead and the living is really the most important, not only
for them, but also for us. Moreover (except for scientific
purposes) a live lion is far more to be redoubted than any
number of dead asses (be they as rare as quaggas !). And a
fortiori the live asses are still more formidable. Recognising
this we have thought it best to allow our living menagerie to
raise its voice, each after its own kind.

The only objection that could fairly be brought against
our scheme of classification is that it is not exhaustive, and
does not provide for a third and most numerous class, that
of the dead-alive philosophers. Indeed it has been speciously
maintained, in Hegelian quarters, that these are the truest
philosophers, constituting the higher synthesis of the an-
tithesis between the dead and the living. But whatever
speciousness certain facts may give to this doctrine, it is
clear that this division will not serve the purposes of MIND !
The aim of MIND ! is to stimulate rather than to depress
philosophic interest, and it must therefore proceed by anat-
omy and dichotomy. We have, however, by way of pre-
caution, exacted an affidavit that he really is a live philosopher
from all we proceed to celebrate.

THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II. 103

52.

A learned professor called Smyth l
Said, " Of Wisdom I'll tell you the pith-
Contradictions I find
In the Absolute's Mind,
But believe in the Absolute 'S myth ".

53.

A staid Merton Fellow, named B- ,

Fell in love with the Absolute madly ;

A big book he wrote

Its perfections to note :
The Absolute looked at him, sadly.

54.

An excellent Master, called C ,

His beard so unfrequently pared,

That it grew to such length,

And imparted such strength
That no one to tackle him dared.

55.

If a man is what he eats,2
Living by cooking his meats —
(Absorb this, I pray, in your hookah),

Then the Essence of Man,

And his Strategy's plan,
Must plainly depend on ' the Cooker '.

56.

0 Fairest Bairn, O Fairest Brother,
Is each one both, or each the other ?

On the Absolute musing

Is very confusing :
Personality seems such a bother !

57.

''To amass erudition," said J ,

" Is poor fun : I've tried it and know it :

But your son as a ruler 3

Can keep comfy and cooler,
On a thousand a year, Ma'am, and go it ! "

1 The reason for this apparent departure from our rule of anonymity
is obvious. Smyth is not really a name ; it is universal, not particular.
It may therefore, as Aristotle says, be called oi/o/zn dopio-rov, as being
applied to an infinite number.

*Est quod est. 3I.e. in the Civil Service.

104 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II.

58.

"But, Sir," said the mother to Joke him,

" There are better things " — this to provoke him —

"Perhaps you are right

To put it so, quite —
Two thousand, a year will not choke him ! "

59.

Herakleitos' loveliest daughter

Understood him (because he had taught her) :

By her Flame and her Fire

She did men inspire,
And still she's inspiring B .

60.

Of Platonists biggest, once B

To Demeter offered a pig ;

When they made him a light

In the place of old B

The Pelican danced a jig.

61.

When S to Oxford repaired,

And Green's "incoherence" declared,

" Of course we can still

Go on, if we will,
To Hegel " (or Hades), said C .

62.

Cried B " This is very Sidg- wicked ! "

(Without him one cannot play cricket)

" Our bottom's knocked out,

For a Carpenter shout,
And board it up, lest they should kick it ! " l

63.

New morals are taught by * the E ,'

With Joseph's a bit of a clasher ;

1 " This looks as if it might be fun and even fact, if one could fathom
it. Can't you explain ? Is a ball or a bat the necessary instrument to
see the joke withal in line 2 ? And is the Carpenter Alice's ? " — ED.,
MIND ! " Both are sheer history and explain themselves. Note, how-
ever, that Hegel has proved that a bat is a bird and not a bird, whose
synthesis is absorbed as a moment in the dialectical chase of the
Wild Goose. Per contra the (Estlin) Carpenter adores the Pelican."-
AUTHOR.

THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II. 105

He's great as a writer,
Should rise to a mitre,
But never will shine as a masher.

64.

A Waynflete professor named C ,

Was great on the Aryan Kace,

On the birch and the bark,

And the beech and the Snark
(Alas ! I am wrong ! It was S !).

65.

The great Orientalist, S ,

Was stung by an asp in the face ;

He knew all about cricket,

Thought idealists wicked
(Dear me ! I am thinking of C !).

66.

A man of both worlds is EN. B .

Not only the newspapers ken it ;

He follows the hosts,

Investigates ghosts,
And aspires to a seat in the Senate.

67.

Our Pedagogue, strenuous K ,

Has new ways to stop the boys cheating ;

To fix their attention,

I need merely mention,
He lately gave each boy a beating !

68.

Now Exeter's Tutor is M ,

A man of nigh twenty-five carat,

No savage is he,

Though trying to be
(I can't get a rhyme for his merit !).

69.

An eloquent lecturer, B ,

Wished vainly his class would grow small ;

Said he, "If it's true

They teach well who teach few,
They teach best who teach no one at all ".

106 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II,

70.

Thomas F , of Corpus, our " Pre,"

A gentle Logician is he,

His kindness and sense

Are simply immense,
For praises you may come to me !

71.

We have a Wilde Reader named S ,

Most learnedly ready to spout

Of birds, beasts and babes,

And eke astrolabes * —
There's nothing he knows not about !

72.

When the Absolute dreamt of a flea 2
There sprang up a Tutor named L

He worried It much,

The Annoyance grew such
That It cried, " I'll absorb him in Me ! "

73.

An astute Ass*- Tutor named S ,

Of MIND !'s Essence the subtle distiller,

Above Corpus gate

Jokes early and late,
While the Pelican grins on her pillar.

74.

Our excellent friend, Henry S ,

With aesthetics was anxious to flirt,

Of Dons, Babes and Duty

He found out the Beauty,
And urged us to put on a spurt.3

75.

Reformer and Cricketer K ,4

At Greenness he wittily mocks ;

1 " What sort of beasts are these ? " — ED., MIND ! " Poetical licence for
psycho-physiological instruments in general ! "— AUTHOR.

2 Cp. Riddles of the Sphinx, p. 353.

3 As Editor of a forthcoming (?) volume of Philosophical Essays.

4 [On receiving this description of our esteemed contributor we at once
wired to the Author : " Are you not confounding the persons ? John K —
and F. P. K— are not the same. How many K — es are there, and
which do you mean, anyway? " Weeks afterwards came this haughty
reply, on a post-card : " Don't know and don't care ! One or three, au

THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II. 107'

Of his work much you'll find
In this number of MIND !
Never mind if some fogies it shocks !

76.
At Manchester Sam A

Conducted a new propaganda ;

Cried he, when a goose

Approached with abuse,
" Away with you, improper gander ! "

77.

Though hardly a moralist, T

O'er perilous seas is a sailor,

He imitates B ,

And does it not badly,
Some think him at ethics a nailer.

78.

The greatest American J

The Kantians call other names ;

Let them say what they will,

We adhere to it still,
The Will to believe is Will J .

79.

A Cambridge idealist, W ,

Relentlessly put to the sword

The naturalist crew,

Till they cried : " That will do !
Professor, you've certainly scored ! "

80.

I'm Herbert the Sage, the De S—
Of truths that grow daily immenser,

My thought is synthetic,

Please take (with emetic !) —
In Collins' patent condenser.

81.

The Lady Victoria W-
In vented a method to spell by ;

choix. What does it matter ? Are they not all one in the Absolute ?
But see Law Reports, vol. xlix., p. 666."

On investigating this cryptic reference, we found only an account of a
breach of promise case, " Howard i\ Knox," the relevance of which we
were unable to discover. It did not appear that our hero was hi any
way implicated. — ED., MIND !]

108 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II,

She taught us Semantics,
And other such antics,
Significance truly to tell by.

82.

Though a faithful disciple, McT

His own master Hegel quite staggered ;
For he said, with a chortle,
" I can prove I'm immortal,
Beat that if you can, you old braggart ! "

83.

A mighty logician called V

Soars frequently out of our ken,

His logic ' Symbolic '

Don't try as a frolic ;
With luck you may ' Chance ' it, but then

The great anthropologist, F ,

Writes wrapt in his toe-terns and blazer.

While over his brows

He wears Golden Boughs
He cut off at Home with a razor.

85.

Though living at Florence, AW. B

Ketains a sharp point to his pen,

You'll find he makes jokes

And fun at fools pokes,
And cheers up the gods and the men.

86.

An excellent banker named C

Denies the existence of God,

Prefers Herbert S ,

Thinks matter grows denser,

And will — till he's under the sod !

87.

At Yale, I was told by my dad,
The boys are all taught by a L — — ,
When they row in the boat,
'Tis Scripture they quote —
If the tale isn't true, it were sad.

THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II. 109

88.

His name is the Latin for ' dear/

His thoughts run on Science and Beer ;

He edits the Monist,

I fancy he's honest,
But don't think they read him much here.

89.

The book of the Wisdom of W ,

Though written in Japanese slang,

Aroused Iba Sotaro

To mete out a deadly blow
To Hoshi Toru and his gang.1

90.

Said a Tutor of * * * 2, Doll,

" This doctrine I teach to my Coll. :

'Tis no matter what you do,

If your Truth3 be only true ".
And his truth was true — to Doll !

91.

A portly professor inclined

To think Matter a function of Mind :

Each day after dinner

He thought himself thinner,
No matter how well he had dined ! 4

92.

Another, who daily grew fatter,
Held Mind was a product of Matter,

Said he : " Mental growth

And bodily, both
Proceed from a well supplied platter ".3

1 Wang-yang-ming, the Japanese Kant, held that conscientious con-
victions must be acted on at all costs, as divinely inspired. Hence
when Iba Sotaro felt convinced that Hoshi Toru's influence was evil, he
felt it was his duty to assassinate him. And he did. See the Times (4th
Oct.) for the whole story. It is hoped that a selection of the Works of
Wang will shortlv be published in Mind.

2 " Of what, please ? "—ED., MIND ! " Anything ! "— AUTHOR.

3 " How about this metre ? And in the original ' his heart was true to
Poll '."—ED., MIND ! " Bab Ballads ! "—AUTHOR.

4 "Who are these? Can't guess. Give more data."— ED., MIND!
" Leave it to you. The verses are universal — their application only is
particular. Only be particular about the application ! " — AUTHOR.

110 THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II.

93.

Smith,1 thinking to help the Ideal,
Spent his time proving Time was unreal,

Till he cried out " Sublime !

I'm sure I've done Time ! "
" Why, what did you do ? Did you steal ? "

94.

An Oxonian, addicted to rhyme,
In his essays essayed to save Time ;

When they gave him a Third

He exclaimed : " How absurd !
To have killed it was surely the crime ! "

95.

A tale I tell to fill the world with grief
For Martyr Smith, and beggar all belief !
Not mine an idle mass of futile fictions,
But simple fact ; he died of his convictions !
" Convictions ? Heavens ! Did some brutal Bench
Invoke the chose jugte in fashion French ?
Was theft or treason of his crimes the chief ?
(The good man Plato well has proved a thief2) "
Ah, no ! The fatal force that burst the links
'Twixt him and life was Riddles of the Sphinx.
Though not convicted, he was yet convinced
He'd floor a book at which his elders winced :
So, calling down a judgment on his pride,
He read one sentence and then promptly died !

96.

Von Deutschland's Denkern der Letzte,3
Irn Himmel das Ding an Sich setzte

Doch der Teufel der kam,

Das Ding an Sich nahm,
Ihn hinterlings schandlich verletzte.

97.

Of maternal devotion, 0 Pelican,

Thou'rt symbol ; but now, swears a Mexican,

\" What Smith again ? What Smith ? "—ED., MIND ! " Anysmith."—
AUTHOR. " Lady Smith ? " — ED. " See ad., No. 54, and if you don't like
Smith, try Jones, or almost any monosyllabic philosopher." — AUTHOR.

2 Republic, 334 A.

3 " Who is this ? "— ED., MIND ! " Can't bother to enlighten you. Why
don't you read the German Fachblatter 1 " — AUTHOR.

THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. — II. Ill

When blind, you are fed
By your chicks till you're dead—
The story I fear is American.1

98.

My rhyme now arrives at I ,

An attribute dark of divinity ;

That it rose out of Nought

But a misconceived Thought
Is a truth they should teach you at Trinity.

99.

Though aged and useless, The 0—
In a race tried the Many to run,

Then the interest grew,

Till through wires there flew
The message : " The Many have O ".

100.

0 Cussedness, Cosmic, Eternal,
Of Being the innermost kernel,

You're human, you're worse,
Universal, perverse ;

1 doubt not your work is infernal.

101.

And now let us hymn last the A ,

From It first did everything evolute ;

If your mind you would lose,

You must stand in its shoes,
You'll find it a terrible Trapsolute !

IS Envoi.

Cried a Passman, who read this, " Great S !

How did they compile all this rot ?

Though clever thej^ be,

I'm glad it's not me !
Philosophy ! Nonsense, it's not ! "

1 See Darwin's Descent of Man, ch. iv.

XXL— THE ABSOLUTE AT HOME.

BY A TROGLODYTE.

A TRAGEDY

IN
ONE ACT (Actus Purus).

Dramatis Persona.

THE ABSOLUTE, absolutely at home.

HER FOSSILLINESS THE UNIVERSAL, housekeeper to the

Absolute.

THE FATHER OF LIES, alter ego to the Absolute.
TRUTH, a lovely maiden who has just come out.
EXPERIENCE, a wise old teacher.
INEXPERIENCE, her sister.
Pholisophers, fools, fogies,, pedants, categories, schemata, eta

SCENE I.

The Father of Lies. Hallo, who is this sitting by the well ?
A lovely girl, by Brahma, attractively disarrayed ! I must
accost her. (Goes up to her.} Who art thou, pretty one?
What is thy name and of what parents wert thou born ?

Truth. It is borne in on me that my name is Truth, but
what I am I hardly know as yet. You see I have only just
come out.

F. of L. Out of what ?

T. Out of this well.

F. of L. You are well out of it ! Ha ha ! And of your
parents ?

T. I know nothing, save that I read on the notice-board that
' Truth is evolved out of Error by the immanent self-criticism
of Experience'. But I know neither Error nor Experience.

F. of L. Then you must be as wholly a priori as you are
charming. I am delighted too to find that we must be nearly
related.

THE ABSOLUTE AT HOME. 113

T. How?

F. of L. Why, I am not only well acquainted with Ex-
perience, but Error is indissolubly wedded to Falsehood, who
is the offspring of Lies, of whom I boast myself to be the
father !

T. I cannot follow the relation which, you say, results. It
ought to be worked out on the notice-board. And in any
case it seems to me that to be ' nearly related ' is not to be
really related. A miss is as good as a mile !

F. of L. (Aside.} How easily innocence is sophisticated in
these days ! (Aloud.) At all events you are not a miss, but.
a most egregious

T. Sir, do you doubt my honour ?

F. of L. (Aside.) Pulled up again! (Aloud.) You mistake
me ! I know you are a Miss in one sense, but in that I
meant you are Nature's most stupendous hit, and do not
come amiss to me !

T. You puzzle me, but if you mean well, you might tell
me what I ought to do. You see, I do not know my way
about the world as yet.

F. of L. (A side.) Already she is trying to be practical!
Keally the Absolute and I must take steps to stop this
pestilent growth of Pragmatism. (Aloud.) I will see that you
are properly launched upon the world. Come with me now
and be introduced.

T. To whom ?

F. of L. To everybody.

T. Where are you going ?

F. of L. To the Absolute's, which is At Home to-day.
So the whole world will be there and the half as well. It
will be a great lark, for as Hesiod says ' the half is more than
the whole '.

T. What half?

F. of L. The better half of course ! (I must not yet shock
her !) The Universal too will be charmed to meet you.

T. What are the Absolute and the Universal.

F. of L. Sancta simplicitas ! What is the Absolute ! Why
everything ! I can't possibly explain It. You must take It
on trust. But the pholisophers all say that It is absolutely
real. However I dare say, though It is at home to-day, you
will soon find It out for yourself. (Aside.) I did long ago, but
I always find it pays to praise It to others. (Aloud.) As for
the Universal, there is a great deal I might tell you about her.

T. Pray tell me.

F. of L. In the first place she's the Absolute's housekeeper,
and people do say a good deal more. But why should I

114 A TROGLODYTE :

corrupt your innocent mind with the vile slanders of those
who cannot see that to the profound all things are profound,
and that a mystery and a deity can be made out of the* most
unpromising materials, if only you keep them dark enough?
Let it suffice you that without her the Absolute can 'or will
do nothing, and that she receives all Its guests.

T. I am surprised that people go.

F. of L. Oh, one must not be too particular. Especially
about the Universal. Besides, everybody has to go.

T. I cannot.

F. of L. Nonsense ! Why not ?

T. You see how little of a dress I have for such a function.

F. of L. Oh, that doesn't matter. The Absolute will like
you, will address you and, I dare say, still think you over-
dressed.

T. I don't like your account of the Absolute at all. And
how about the Universal ?

F. of L. Oh, Her Fossilliness will mind still less. You
see she isn't particular and indeed can't afford to be so.

T. But why do you call her ' Her Fossilliness ' ? What
does it mean ?

F. of L. It's a little pet name I. gave her, because the
pholisophers haven't yet found out how stupid she really is.
But come you must, it's your chance and you ought to think
yourself lucky.

T. I suppose I must, but I never dreamt of becoming a
' necessary truth ' so soon. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.

A. crowded reception at the Absolute's Home, commanding a fine
view out of Space and Time.

EXPERIENCE AND INEXPERIENCE.

Inexperience. Do you know, sister, who the lovely girl was
that old Father of Lies was taking into the Reception Room
to be presented ? She seemed to me to be the realisation of
all one's ideals of Beauty, Truth and Goodness in one.

Experience. I feel sure that was Truth, though I can
never quite make out whether she is three or one. I have
never seen her here before.

In. It seems a pity that she should be sacrificed to the
Absolute.

Exp. A burning shame. But I see no way to stop it, so
long as the pholisophers approve of whatever happens to be
traditional, and will not listen to me.

THE ABSOLUTE AT HOME. 115

In. Ah, there she comes again, running, and flushed and
excited.

(Truth runs up and throws herself at the feet of Experience.)

Truth. Oh, protect me, you who look so wise and good.
It was too horrible ! How could they offer me to such a
hideous ogre !

Exp. Don't be frightened, dear, you are safe here and can
trust me. Calm yourself and tell us what has happened.
That is right.

T. Well you saw how that horrid, wicked old Father of
Lies took me in. When we got there it was quite dark, and
I could make out neither the Absolute nor the Universal.
But he stopped and cried out : ' Oh, Thou that art the Being
of all beings, the Incomprehensible, the All-embracing, that
wantest Nothing and hast Everything, lo, I present to Thee,
Truth, the fair, the virgin, to have and to hold through all
Eternity ! ' What right had he, I should like to know, to
present me, seeing that I wasn't his to present ?

Exp. You see you are so very presentable. And the
Absolute, being utterly unpresentable, loves those like you,
to absorb them.

T. The horror ! But I must tell you what followed. Very
soon after a hideous, shapeless, incomprehensible, intangible
Something gathered round me. I could feel that It was trying
to embrace me and nearly lost my senses. Still I struggled
violently, but the cold, clammy, filthy Thing slobbered all
over me. It was too disgusting for words. At last, in my
despair, I drew out the sword with which I do up my hair,
and stabbed at It furiously. Whether I killed It or not I do
not know, but It relented. I got free, and managed to rush
out as you saw.

Exp. My darling Truth, how brave, what a heroine you
are ! I see it all.

T. But can you understand it ?

Exp. In a way, yes. It is when the Absolute is absent-
minded that It behaves like that, or even worse. You see
ordinarily It is both the Same and the Other, Self and Not-
Self, Identity in Difference, through Difference, by, with and
from Difference. It is Itself through not being Itself, and
thereby returning to Itself reconciled with Itself. When It is
like that It generally behaves Itself ; at least the pholisophers
say they can manage It. But when It is absent-minded, It is
as it were beside Itself, and wholly Its Other (what the vulgar
would call material), and then It thinks of nothing. Un-
fortunately this happens very often of late, indeed, almost
constantly, and produces ' the absolute identity of absolute

116 A TKOGLODYTE : THE ABSOLUTE AT HOME.

Idealism and absolute Materialism '. Nevertheless the pholi-
sophers defend Its * going on the loose,' on the wretched plea
that this is what It is etymologically bound to do, and that
being thereby ' set loose,' It is more Absolute, more Itself :
i.e., such is Its intrinsic form of ' Self-realisation '. But even
so, it seems very sad and bad. Especially as, even at the
best of times, It is firmly convinced (by Bradley) that Mor-
ality is Appearance, and so not binding upon It. And when
It thinks, It thinks so much of Itself that It always thinks
that everybody is only too glad to be part of Itself. (Truth,
indignantly, ' The idea ! ') and that It ought to embrace
them. (Truth. 'Not me, thank you!') The Father of
Lies of course knew all this and wanted you to be sacrificed,
and absorbed by the Absolute, so as to become a mere aspect
of It. But I am unspeakably glad that you have not only
escaped from Its clutches, but helped others. For though
you can hardly have killed It, you have certainly scotched
it, and I fancy It will not readily recover. For the least
resistance irritates It so much that it sets up a process of
Self-diremption and disintegrates the lies which compose Its
tissue. And the pholisophers also it will make so mad that
they will become inarticulate, as well as unintelligible. And
then, you know, it will be quite clear that they are no longer
men, but either gods or beasts.
• T. I am delighted to hear all this.

Exp. Come home then with me. We'll wash and have
tea !

XXII.-THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF
PHILOSOPHERS.

BY THE JOKEE.

MEMBEES OF CONGEESS.

THE Pelkan.1

The Joker.1

The Phoenix.1

The Sphinx.

The Wild Goose.

A Philosophic Night Mare.

A Duck's Egg.

The World Egg (Kosmosoon).

The Eozoon (of Canada).

The Autozoon (of Plato).

The Tyrannical Man (of Plato).

The Goat Stag (of Aristotle).

The Cock Horse (of Aristotle).

The Seal (of Solomon).

A Cygnet (of St. Johns).

The Leviathan (of Hobbes).

The Behemoth (of Hobbes).

The Ass (of Buridan).

The She- Ass (of Balaam).

The Serpent (of Eden).

The Serpent (of Eternity).

The Bull (of Shiva).

The Bull (of the Pope).

The Cow (of Isis).

The Absolute Cow (of Schelling).

The Squirrel (of Bradley).

A Herd of Chimeras (Bradley's).

The Chimera Bombinans (of Duns).

The Owl (of Hegel).

The Owlets (of Oldham).

1 Nullius addicti jurare in verba magistri.

118 THE JOKER :

The First Vertebrate.

The Monera (of Haeckel).

The Bathybius (of Huxley).

The Pithecanthropus Erectus (of Dubois).

The Eagle (of Prometheus).

The Tortoise (of Achilles).

The Nile Crocodile (of Chrysippus).

The Mugger (of Kipling).

The Prize Pig (from the herd of Epicurus).

The Dog (befriended by Pythagoras).

The Dog (of Newton).

The Spider (of Bruce).

The Ant (of the Sluggard).

The Mallard Imaginaire (of All Souls).

The Salamander (of Paracelsus).

The Mock Turtle (of Carroll).

The Dodo (of Dodgson).

The Pigdog (sui juris).

The Bees (of Mandeville).

The Tree (of Porphyry).

The Pine (Fichte's).

The Lotus (of Buddha).

The Umbrella (of Kant) \f •

The Wall (of Plato) } for a ram?

Ursus Spelaeus, the Cave-Bear.1

SCENE. — The Happy Hunting Grounds, an open prairie plenti-
fully sown with wild oats.

The Joker. (Aside.) Do you suppose, Pelican, that the
Cygnet really knows the way to the Congress?

The Pelican. Oh, yes, he knows all about Congresses.

The Cygnet. I fancy we shall find it round this corner.

Joker. Yes, here we are. What a queer lot they are ! I
apologise, Cygnet, for beginning to get anxious. You are a
capital guide.

Pelican. Yes, and when he grows up he will make a capital
swan. He is already quite stout.

Cygnet. I am glad there is such a good meeting. There
must be nearly fifty present. But do you know any of them ?

Pelican. I know them nearly all. Do you see that very
owlish old owl, for instance, sitting on that ragged poplar-
like tree yonder ?

Cygnet. Yes.

Pelican. Well that is Hegel's Owl sitting on the Tree of

1 Alias, Ed. of MIND!

THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF PHILOSOPHERS. 119

Porphyry. It's no use going to talk to her, for whatever any
one says she always hoots.

Cygnet. Why does she do that ?

Pelican. Oh, she pretends to think nobody has done any-
thing since Hegel mentioned her and made her famous, and
nothing new or true has been said since. Let us rather talk
to that eagle there. It's Prometheus' Eagle, who feeds daily
on the vitals of Prometheus, but can't kill him. So he is a
great authority on the mystery of suffering. Hallo ! Eagle !
Have you found Prometheus' vitals yet? or do you still treat
them as victuals ?

Joker. Could you oblige me with an answer to the riddle —
What is life without the liver ?

Eagle. No, the answer to that question concerns Pro-
metheus, not me. All I do is to effect his daily delivery.

Pelican. Just let me stop that Wild Goose which is whizzing
past. What's the matter, Goose? why be in such a hurry?

Goose. Oh, it's an awful business ! They were chasing me
as usual, and I was terribly upset and dropped my egg, and
now I can't find it !

Pelican. (Pointing to the World Egg.) Why, what's this?
Isn't this yours ?

Goose. I do believe it is ! Thank you ever so much, my
dear Pelican. I can't think how you always manage to find
things so cleverly in the most unlikely places ! Now I should
never have expected to find my poor egg at an International
Congress of Philosophic Beasts. However, I'll sit down on
it at once, else they'll be chasing me again, and I'll never
get it hatched. (Sits down.)

Pelican. That's her monomania you know — she's always
imagining herself ' chased '. But you'll see she won't sit on
it long !

Joker. Hallo, here's the Fowler.

Pelican. Atrocious ! What right has he to be here ?

Joker. I suppose he is attracted by the quantity of rare
birds he sees.

Pelican. I don't care, he shouldn't be allowed to scare us :
it's very inconsiderate of the Committee !

Joker. Calm yourself, Pelican, it is not the Wild Fowler
nor even the Warde Fowler ; look at him !

Pelican. Oh, of course, it's the Tom Fowler, who is sure to
be everywhere, and a very dear friend of mine ! But why
haven't you brought your beetles or stick-insects or whatever
they call them to the Congress ?

T. Fowler. Because I am no longer Vice-Chancel lor and
am enjoying myself.

120 THE JOKEK :

The Wild Goose. Oh, I am sure I've been sitting on the
wrong egg ! What shall I do, Pelican ? I feel certain that
it's a Duck's Egg and nothing will ever come of it !

Pelican. Nonsense ! The Duck's Egg is lying quietly in
the Philosophic Night Mare's Nest over there. Sit still and
don't worry us !

Joker. If you don't like one egg, try another, i.e. be alter-
eggoistic !

Goose. I'm sure it's a bad egg ! It's so cold and must be
addled ! Do come and look at it. (Gets up.)

Pelican. Well, it does look a little like the Curate's. But
it may be good in parts.

Joker. Oh, blow it !

Pelican. Gracious no ! It might explode !

Goose. They're after me again !

Joker. Who?

Goose. The pholisophers ! I must fly ! (Flies off.)

Cygnet to Pelican. Do you really think it is all only a
delusion of hers?

Pelican. Hush ! The Doctors of Pholisophy all say so,
and I mustn't commit myself. Let us move on and look at
the other freaks.

Joker. Well, tell us who they are. Is this great cobweb,
for instance, supposed to be symbolic of philosophic thought ?

Pelican. Oh, that has, I expect, been spun by Bruce's spider
this morning.

Joker. How frightfully energetic ! What does he expect
to make by it ?

Pelican. Oh, his great ambition is to catch a Behe-moth,
But even if he doesn't, it keeps up his ethical reputation.

Joker. And what, pray, are those extraordinary creatures,
assembled round that restless little squirrel in the cage ?

Pelican. I think that must be part of Bradley's menagerie !

Cygnet. Yes, I recognise them. That is a herd of Assorted
Chimeras. And the squirrel had to be shut up on account
of its fierceness and lest it should grow too like the Absolute.1
I dare say, if you look carefully, you will also find some of
his theological, psychological and other monsters. I know
all about them because I have introduced most of them to the
British Public. I hear, however, he has got rid of his dog.
They quarrelled about the reality of time. The dog's first
principle was 'Whatever smells is real,' and Bradley could
never convince him that thyme did not smell.

Joker. Are not all these monsters dangerous neighbours ?

1 Cp. Appearance and Reality, p. 172.

THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF PHILOSOPHERS. 121

Pelican. Oh, you needn't be afraid ! See how he has treated
his chimeras and monsters. They are all pounded, cut,
battered and slashed, and in no condition to hurt a fly. Be-
sides they are only appearance.

Joker. How horrible ! He seems to be a regular Dr. Moreau
in his operations upon the creatures of his fancy ! But why
doesn't the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Philo-
sophic Animals intervene.

Pelican. Oh, I suppose the mutilation also is Appearance.
But here come the Owlets. Let us ask them what has been
going on. Be welcome, Owlets, and come into my wings !
Tell us what has happened so far.

1st Owlet. Oh, they began by reading a long letter of regret
from Darwin's Missing Link, explaining that he could not
come, because he could not find himself and so could not
afford it, and denouncing the Pithecanthropus Erectus as an
impostor. Then they had a difficulty with Jonah's Whale,
who objected that the water in shore was so shallow that he
feared to get stranded and wanted a special dock constructed
that he might attend. So the extremists wanted to put him
in the dock on a charge of lese-majeste, but the Congress
finally contented itself, though not him, with pointing out
that Hobbes' Leviathan had raised no such difficulties. So
now he is staying in the offing wailing. You can hear him
when the Owl stops hooting.

Pelican. There are so many noises that it is hard to make
out who produces what whence. And after that ?

1st Owlet. Oh, they had a squabble about the credentials of
the Tyrannical Man.

Pelican. Of course he could not be admitted to a Congress
of Philosophic Beasts ?

1st Owlet. Well, he quoted passages from his author to
show that he was not only a beast, but many beasts.

2nd Owlet. And then by a revulsion of feeling they actually
voted him into the chair !

3rd Owlet. I think that was really in order to render him
helpless. For you know the Speaker hardly ever speaks.

1st Owlet. After that the Phoenix delivered an address on
Purification by Fire and the Necessity of Ee- Birth, which
was generally regarded as quite unscientific and unworthy of
the twentieth century.

Pelican. And what is going on now ?

1st Owlet. If you hurry up you may hear the end of the
Serpent's speech on the Future of Philosophy.

Joker. What Serpent is speaking? The Serpent of Eter-
nity?

122 THE JOKER :

1st Owlet. No, that always wears its tail in it's mouth, like
a whiting, and so of course it can't speak. It's the Old Serpent
of Eden, who can speak most persuasively.

Joker. Oh, we ought to hear him ! But as we go, Pelican,,
would you mind just explaining to me why all you birds take
such a leading part in the proceedings and seem to know all
about everything?

Pelican. I suppose it is because we can fly and best find
out which way the wind blows.

(They reach the platform.)

Serpent. . . . And now, Beasts of Philosophers, I have shown,
in words, indeed, and more briefly than is demanded by the
dignity of the subject, that the Future of Philosophy depends
on the Future of Philosophers, and that the Future of Philo-
sophers depends on their maintaining their proper obscurity.
A philosopher understood, or capable of so being, is necessarily
a philosopher misunderstood ; for a philosopher understood
rightly ceases to be such and to be esteemed as such. For a
philosopher the sole commandment is the eleventh— ' Don't
be found out ! ' In it and by it all the rest are absorbed,
transmuted and transcended. In philosophy levity is the
destruction of gravity, brightness of insight, clearness of pro-
fundity. Let me beseech you therefore to shun the false
goddess Lucidity, whom the vulgar ignorantly reverence, as
you would the D , I mean the Daily Male, and to culti-
vate with a whole-hearted unanimity the Unintelligibility to
which you can all attain in words, even if you cannot in thought.
And finally, to give practical effect to this recommendation,
Beasts of Philosophers, let me move that henceforth the Ab-
solute be substituted for the Deity, as the exclusive object of
philosophic reverence, and that whosoever shall refuse after
one year to fall down and worship It, shall be imprisoned
and condemned to read the Phenomenology of Absolute Nonsense
for life.

(Great Sensation ; even the Owl stops hooting.)

The Autozoon. Beasts of Philosophers, in spite of the
demoniac and almost Demosthenean eloquence of the last
speaker, I move as an amendment that the whole body of
philosophers be promoted to the world of Ideas, regardless of
the public expense.

The Pelican to the Joker. As if they would go ! That Auto-
zoon is an incorrigible idealist ! But at all events he is in
favour of the Intelligible against the Unintelligible. For the
Ideal world is in intelligible space (TOTTO? VOTJTOS).

(A great commotion, out of ivhich the First Vertebrate slowly
emerges.)

THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF PHILOSOPHERS. 123

The First Vertebrate. As the oldest, with the exception of
my honourable friends the Bathybius, the Monera and the
Eozoon, of those here assembled, as the ancestor certainly of
the most prominent members of this distinguished company,
may I be permitted to make a few remarks on this important
question ? (Cries of Oh ! No ! Divide ! The Owl hoots furiously.)
I see that you do not know who I am. You think I look a
worm and am a worm. Well, you should not judge by
appearances. I was a worm, but am a worm no longer. I
have a chorda dorsalis. I am THE WORM THAT TURNED and
so became a VERTEBRATE. Into the history of my struggles
and my sufferings I will not enter. Suffice it to say that I
felt the divine impetus to progress and at last made my way
out of my native obscurity, and if not yet beautiful, I am yet
suggestive. I therefore strongly deprecate any return to
obscurity of any kind. Should you however decide in favour
of darkness, I solemnly warn you, I shall turn again ! I shall
become a Eevertebrate, and on my return the universal pro-
cess of Cosmic Dissolution and Degeneration foreshadowed by
Spencer must necessarily ensue !

(Indescribable sensation. The Owl hoots.)

Autozoon. I rise to withdraw my amendment. It appears
that' we are not unanimous. I cannot understand it at all.
For we ought to be unanimous and united. I object to the
harsh measures proposed by the Serpent, and am confident
that if we only knew each other better and met more fre-
quently all differences could be reconciled. (Great applause.
The Owl hoots.) But I confess I hardly see what measures
should be taken.

Pelican. Beasts of Philosophers, before we can be reconciled,
must we not first of all find out what are the various views
that have to be reconciled? (Hear ! hear ! The Owl hoots.)
I propose therefore the appointment of a Committee of In-
quiry into the State of Philosophic Sentiment, with a view
to ascertaining what possibilities of agreement exist. And
secondly I demand a show of paws and claws on the motion
of the Serpent. (To Joker.} That, I think, will dish the Ser-
pent ! He has neither !

(The Tyrannical Man puts the question, and after a pause declares
that on a show of paws the Serpent's motion is rejected by 48 to 3,
and the Pelican s carried.)

Serpent. In order to show my acquiescence in the sentiment
of the Congress I propose that the Pelican and the Joker be
appointed to the Committee of Inquiry with power to add to
their number. They are, I fancy, well versed in inquiries
into the eccentricities of sentiment.

124 THE JOKER I INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS.

(Carried by acclamation. The Owl still hoots.)'

Pelican. He thinks he has inflicted the devil of a job on
us. But we'll beat him yet ! Come along and let us collect
some representative opinions from those who have not yet
said anything.

Joker. All right. Let us ask this very emaciated donkey.
He looks extremely representative.

Pelican. What ! Buridan's Ass ? It's no use asking him.
He can't make up his mind even to eat his hay. That is
why he is so thin.

Joker. Then let us listen to that Lotus. I have never yet
heard a flower that could talk, and what it says might be
interesting.

The Lotus. Om mane padme hum.

Pelican. How do you think, Lotus, we can best secure the
future of Philosophy and the agreement of Philosophers ?

Lotus. Om mane padme hum.

Joker. Is that all ? Say it again slowly !

Lotus. Om — mane — padme — hum.

Pelican. Come away, Joker, and leave it to om mane padme
hum. It's an automaton and can say nothing else. Let us
rather ask the Sphinx who has sat silent and looked wise all
this time. Sphinx, wake up ! Whose are you, QEdipus' ?
or an Egyptian ?

Sphinx. No, Schiller's.

Pelican. All the better, tell us what you think.

Sphinx. I have many things in and on my MIND ! Let us
appeal to the British public and publish them !

Joker. Bravo, Sphinx ! That is the solution. You alone
of us all seem to be Compos Mentis I

(Exeunt omnes, except the Owl, left hooting, and Duns' Chimera,
left ' buzzing in the void '.)

XXIII.— NURSERY RHYMES FOR PHILOSOPHIC
BEGINNERS.

I.— Pretty MlND !

11 Where are you going to, my pretty MIND ! ? "

" I'm going a-begging just now, Sir, I find."

" And whom will you beg from, my pretty MIND ! ? "

" Whoever is witty, Sir, whom I can find,"

" And where will you find any, my pretty MIND ! ? "

" Wherever the eyes, Sir, of people aren't blind."

" Can I be of help to you, my pretty MIND ! ? "

" I think so. To help me I'm sure you are kind ! "

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,

Heading his Christmas MIND !
When to jokes he would come, he'd pull out the plum

And say, " 'Tis a capital find ! "

3.— Nova Mentis ! 1901.

Twinkle, twinkle, Little Star,
Won't they wonder what you are ?
Up above the fogs so high,
How they'll hate you till they die !

4. — Pretty MlND ! again.

" Where are you going to, my pretty MIND ! ? "

" I'm going to puzzle some folks, Sir, I find."

" And how will you puzzle them, my pretty MIND ! ? ""

" By laughing at folly of every kind."

" And why will you puzzle them, my pretty MIND ! ? "'

" Because, Sir, pholisophy funny I find."

" But think you this profits us, my pretty MIND ! ? "

" I hope, Sir, to open the eyes of the blind."

" But that were a miracle, my pretty MIND ! ? "

"Ah, but my jokes, Sir, are wondrous refined."

1'26 NURSERY RHYMES FOR PHILOSOPHIC BEGINNERS.

5. — The Hen and the Pan.

Muddily, Maddily, Men,

The Pan has swallowed the Hen !

Maddily, Muddily, Man,

The Hen has jumped from the Pan !

6. — f-'Ev Kal Hav.

Humpty D— - was the Great All,

Humpty D had a great fall,

Not all the Hen's asses, nor all the Pan's men
Shall put that old incubus on us again !

7. — Great Hav.

Great Pan is dead,
There's little to be said :
Had it been his father,1
I would much rather ;
Had it been his Other,
One's joy one could smother ;
But now it is Pan,
You're free again, Man !

I do not like you, Dr. Fell,
The reason why I'd like to tell ;
But after all it's just as well,
I cannot tell you, Dr. Fell.

9. — Reason and Feeling.

Said Twaddledum to Twaddledee —
" I'm sure that you'll agree with me ! "
Said Twaddledee to Twaddledum —
" I cannot help it, I am dumb ! "

10.— The One.

There was an old Owl who lived in a Shoo !
Annoyed by the Many who at her would boo,
She gave them some Hegel without any bread,
And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

1 " Whom do you mean ? The father of Pantheism ? "—ED., MIND !
"Of Lies." -AUTHOR.

NURSERY RHYMES FOR PHILOSOPHIC BEGINNERS. 127

11. — Mr. Bradley's Postulate.1

If ' musts ' and ' cans '
Were Hens and Pans
There 'd be no need for thinkers !

12.— Three Blind Mice.

Three Blind Mice, see how they run !
They all run after the B— -'s hoax,
Who quickly in action their interest chokes,
And cuts off their power to see any jokes !

Three blind mice !

13.

Old Mother Hegel

Tried to inveigle

A poor god into her home ;

But when he came there

She stripped him quite bare —

So this is the end of the pome !

14.— To Mrj "Ov.

There is an abstraction called Nothing-at-all,
Concerning which pholisophs terribly pall :
If Something be Nothing, and Nothing be All,
Then what is the Meaning of Nothing-at-all ?

15.

Hey diddle diddles

The Sphinx and her Riddles !

The Owlets no answer could find,

The Pelican smiled to see them so wild

And printed the answers in MIND !

Usually formulated as ' What must be and can be, that therefore

XXIV.— THE WELBY PRIZE.

LADY WELBY, whose interest in clearing up intellectual
fogs and purifying the philosophical atmosphere is well
known, has offered a prize of £1,000 to any philosopher who
can produce adequate documentary evidence to show that he

(1) Knows what he means.

(2) ,, ,, any one else ,,

(3) „ ,, every one

(4) „ „ anything

(5) „ „ everything else „

(6) Means what he says.

(7) „ „ „ means.

(8) ,, ,, every one else ,,

(9) ,, ,, ,, ,, says that he means.

(10) Can express what he means.

(11) Knows what it signifies what he means.

(12) ,, ,, it matters ,, ,, signifies.

At first sight it might seem as though the Twelve Labours of
Hercules would be in comparison with this a slighter achieve-
ment. But in view of the extensive and peculiar knowledge
of the Absolute's Mind which is now possessed by so many
philosophers, a large number of solutions may confidently be
expected. These should be sent in to the Editors of MIND !
Corpus Christi College, Oxford, be/ore the issue of the next
member.

XXV.— CBITICAL NOTICES.

irepl (frvo-eo)?. Erste vollstcindige Ausgabe. Von
Prof. Dr. PEELLEB.

THE name of the supposed author of this curious work, M.
Anaximandros of Miletos, is new to science, and but for the
sponsorship of so well-known a savant as Dr. Preller, one
would be inclined to suspect a hoax. As it is, it may charit-
ably be supposed that M. Anaximandros was an autodidact,
He appears to have been a man of great ingenuity and varied
scientific interests, if, as appears from Dr. Preller's learned
introduction, he set up sundials at Sparta, calculated the peri-
meter of the earth, cast horoscopes, and tamed Sciotheres,
Nevertheless we can not agree that this sumptuous collection
of his papers was at all called for. Scientifically it is not too
much to say that what is true in them is Darwinian and what
is new in them is unsound or unintelligible. And unfortu-
nately, M. Anaximandros corrupts what science he possesses
by an obscure and gratuitous metaphysic. He regards all
things as differentiations of the Infinite (for so it would seem
we must translate his "ATreipov, though it is by no means clear
whether it is a mathematical or material infinite or the un-
defined matrix of elementary evolution). But what is the use
of so vague a principle ?

Coming to biology, we note that M. Anaximandros is a
thorough-going evolutionist, who adopts a number of Dar-
winian doctrines. He holds that organic life originated in
the water, and that the hard chitinous and calcareous coats
and spines of primitive fishes, Crustacea and insects were
protective. In his ingenious and well-reasoned argument,
that man must have been evolved out of the lower animals,
on account of the prolongation of his helpless infancy, which
would otherwise have proved fatal to the survival of the
nascent human race, he seems to be unaware that he has
been anticipated by Prof. Fiske some time ago. Nevertheless
it must be admitted that he appears to have reached all these
results independently, and though he tells us little about them,
it is evident that he has made prolonged and careful observa-

130 CRITICAL NOTICES I

tions. As an exhibition of scientific enterprise and interest
on the bigoted and barbarous coast of Asia Minor M. Anaxi-
mandros' work deserves a word of praise.

0. T. POULTISON.

Aristokles : irepl

We had hoped to present our readers with an exhaustive
criticism of this important work, by one who is undoubtedly
the most competent and trustworthy authority on the true
Socratic doctrine, viz., Lieut. -Gen. X. N. O'Fun, V.C.,
F.E.G.S., etc., but just as we were going to press we
received from him the following message by wireless tele-
pathy.

" Profoundly regret cannot send ' Critical Notice ' of
Plato's book. Owing to strikes, stock of asbestos paper run
out. Industrial revolution imminent. Infernal nuisance.
Just off on Antarctic expedition. Never MIND ! or say die ! "

In spite of this disappointment we have managed to secure
what should interest our readers, viz., an authentic and con-
temporaneous advertisement, giving an excellent idea of the
way in which the Republic was received by the Press on its
first appearance.

A NEW AND IMPORTANT WORK ON PHILOSOPHY.
Hep! IIoXiTCiag.

ARISTOKLES, THE SON OF ARISTON, LL.D.

Perpetual President of the Athenian Academy, Hon. Member
of the College of Nomothetse, Officer of the Laconian
Legion of Honour, etc.

Extracts from Press notices :—

Nits says : " Will undoubtedly be widely read and excite
much controversy, but is too extravagant to live ".

Physis : " Its science is crude, but its advocacy of Artificial
Selection should prove interesting to biologists ".

Theates : " Its tone is admirable, and we enjoyed the first
and last books immensely. The central books can hardly be
meant to be taken seriously."

URSUS SPEL^US, More Riddles from Worse Sphinxes. 131

Laconist : " Every patriotic Laconian should read it. The
Ideal State is practically ours."

Agora Howler : "A venomous display of aristocratic ran-
cour, whose author should be prosecuted under the

Phylax : " Treasonable enough to put a severe strain on our
traditional policy of the utmost literary toleration ".

N.B., The Chronoi are giving away a copy to each purchaser
of their Athenian Encyclopaedia.

Studies in the Hooligan Dialectic. By J. E. M. TAGRAG.

Pp. 259.

MR. TAGRAG is an enthusiastic admirer of the Hooligan
Dialectic, which he regards as the method destined to reform
Logic and revolutionise Philosophy. We confess that these
hopes of Mr. Tagrag's seem to us somewhat sanguine,
not to say sanguinary, and cannot find in the Hooligan
Dialectic much beyond a systematisation of the old Argu-
mentum Bacidinum, for which arm-chair philosophers have
always expressed their contempt with impunity. Neverthe-
less by his very full and curious account of the methods of
"mafficking" Mr. Tagrag has deserved well of Science,
while his lucid discussion of the difficult problem (p. 139)
of whether a girl subjected to the osculatory attentions of a
promiscuous crowd acquires more cheek or less cheek, is
delightfully luminous and convincing. On the whole we
have to thank Mr. Tagrag for an interesting volume which
no serious social philosopher can afford to ignore.

A. CAVEY.

URSUS SPEL^EUS, M.A., More Riddles from Worse Sphinxes.

WHEN our colleague and friend the Editor of Mind volunteered
to contribute to our pages a review of this epoch-making
work, we naturally thanked him, and regarded the matter
as settled. Hence it was no slight shock to be informed
by our trusty reviewer, shortly before going to press, that
after using all known methods, including the extraction of
the Infinite Eoot, he had found the Kiddles insoluble, and
the Sphinxes indomitable. Fortunately a happy thought
soon struck us (in the frontal region). We remembered
that our Office Boy had severely sprained his ankle, in his

132 CRITICAL NOTICES.

anxiety to imitate the barbarous manners of his Troglodyte
ancestors, and so happened to be well qualified for the role
of CEdipus. We at once put him on half-pay and set him the
following Conundrums to guess : —

1. Why did Ingram By water?

2. Why was Bacon bought ?

3. When does B bawl ?

4. Why did B burn it ?

5. Whom did L love?

6. Why can't the Baldwin?

7. When is Keats Keats?

8. Why was B blunt ?

9. Why did S sully?

10. What did Carveth Kead ?

11. Why did B bustle ?

12. Why was M married ?

13. Why did Suleika?

Our confidence was not deceived. In due course we were
provided with the subjoined replies, whose relevance may be
conjectured : —

1. Because he could not buy Stout.

2. Because there was a Bidder.

3. When K Knocks.

4. Because he couldn't Locke it.

5. A Nietzsche.

6. Because Kant couldn't.

7. When he isn't Keatinge.

8. Because W— - was wily.

9. Because he was to Grose.

10. Mere Cormorant.

11. Because nobody Cared.

12. Because he went to Kirk.

13. Because she did not know Joseph (Yussuf).

If, after that, any one wants Worse Riddles from More Sphinxes,
we pity him !

ED., MIND !

XXVL— NOTES AND NEWS.

WE cull the following from the Ecclesia Guardian ($v\ai;
€K/c\r)o-ias) of 1st April, 399 B.C. :—

" We have to announce to-day the long-expected death
last night of a well-known character of old Athens, Sokrates
the son of Sophroniskos, of the deme Alopeke. All who
knew * old Soak ' (and who did not ?) will not be surprised
to learn that death occurred somewhat suddenly, in conse-
quence of his drinking something wiiich disagreed with him.
Much sympathy is expressed for his hard- working and highly
respected wife, Xanthippe, and her young family, who are
left quite unprovided for and will probably come upon the
second half of her husband's name."

The Theates remarks : —

" The literary w6rld has been greatly excited by the death
of Sokrates. It is rumoured that many of our best-known
men of letters, including Aristokles, the son of Ariston, and
Xenophon, the son of Gryllos, are already engaged upon
biographies of the defunct celebrity, which are confidently
expected to mark an era in the history of philosophy."

In a later issue the Ecclesia Guardian says : —
" It is with considerable reluctance that we are compelled to
return to the distasteful subject of the death of Sokrates, the
son of Sophroniskos. But, presumably on the principle that
any stick is good enough to beat a dog with, a most extra-
ordinary legend has been constructed about this event by
the aristocratic literary clique whose rancorous hatred of
democratic institutions appears to shrink from no excess of
falsehood and absurdity. Our correspondent in Syracuse
writes to us in great concern, to know whether it is true, as
he has been positively informed, that Sokrates was condemned
by the dicastery and compelled to drink the hemlock, on a
(really political) charge of impiety. Now, of course, every one
in Athens knows that hemlock was not the favourite poison
of poor ' old Soak ' and that the cause of his death is far
more likely to have been absinthe, but in order to check the
circulation of such falsehoods it may be well to state the

134 NOTES AND NEWS.

exact facts. The report of the Superintendent of Police
shows that the alleged victim of democratic spite was found,
on the night of the 20th of Elaphebolion last, lying uncon-
scious on the steps of the Prytaneum, and taken to the
lock-up. The police surgeon diagnosed the case by smell
and in accordance with the known character of the deceased
as syncope, but has since admitted that at his age the im-
mediate cause of death may have been an apoplectic seizure.
The patient never recovered consciousness, and died at day-
break in the prison, a fact which seems to be the only element
of truth in the monstrous fictions which have been circulated."

Students of philosophy will have been greatly concerned to
hear of the death of Empedokles, the discoverer of the Ele-
ments, of the Great Law of Universal Polarity and of the
Rhythm of Evolution and Dissolution. As various painful
and absurd rumours have been circulated with regard to the
circumstances of his death, we quote the following authentic
account of the accident from Physis of the 10th of Boedromion,
428 B.C. :—

" It is with great regret that we record the sad death of Dr.
Empedokles, the best-known citizen of Akragas. Dr. Em-
pedokles, whose attainments were equally remarkable as a
physician, philosopher, poet and statesman, was accustomed
to spend his summer vacation in the scientific exploration of
his native island, and it appears from the Syracuse Herald that
it was on one of these expeditions that he fell a victim to his
scientific zeal. He had set out with a small but well-equipped
party to ascend Mount ^Btna, with a view to making seismo-
logical observations on the summit. The ascent was success-
fully achieved, but Dr. Empedokles' scientific ardour subse-
quently induced him to attempt to explore the crater. He
had descended about a hundred feet, when he suddenly fell,
overpowered apparently by the sulphurous fumes issuing
from the volcano. The body could not be recovered, but at,
great risk of his life, his assistant secured one of his sandals
which had fallen off on to a projecting rock It has been
deposited in the temple of Apollo at Akragas."

We regret to state that Hegeloiosis (77 yeXoiwo-i?) is still
rampant in certain philosophic circles. The Doctors of
Philosophy appear to be quite incapable of coping with the

NOTES AND NEWS. 135

ravages of this insidious disease, which, originally made (for
export only) in Germany, has now assumed the proportions
of a cachinnational danger.

We hear Prof. * * * has espoused the cause of the Absolute.
It is rumoured that Mrs. * * * was about to sue for a divorce
on the ground of bigamy, but was advised that the courts
would probably hold that the Absolute had no cause.

MIND ! is not going to be substituted for Bacon in the
Honour School of Lit. Hum. It is asserted, however, that
the Board of Faculty saved its bacon by a narrow majority.

XXVII.— NEW BOOKS.

Sense^ and Sensibility. By JANE AUSTEN.

[IT is we believe in a romance of Jean Paul Richter's that
two young people, a brother and sister, are described as
being too poor to buy books, but as making amends for the
deficiency by composing books for themselves, to suit the
titles of those they saw advertised. It occasionally happens
that a reviewer, as short of time as this ingenious pair were
of money, has recourse to a somewhat similar method, con-
structs the book, that is, from its title, and criticises it accord-
ingly— with results of a sometimes rather startling character,
as the following extracts from three representative organs of
European opinion may serve to show.] •

" Verfasserin dieses Werkes ist die beriihmte, von Macau-
lay als Vermittlerin zwischen Deutschland und England
neben Shakspeare hochgepriesene Feministin Jane Austen,
die schon in ihrer wertvollen kulturhistorischen Arbeit
Pride and Prejudice gegen die engherzigen Vorurteile und
den anmassenden Stolz der englischen aristokratisch-hoch-
kirchlichen Gesellschaft einen kraftigen Stoss gefiihrt hat,
wahrend sie gleichzeitig als Dichterin der Persuasion gegen
die Zwangsehe und fur die Eechte der freien Liebe mutvoll
aufgetreten ist. In der vorliegenden Abhandlung sucht die
beredte Vorkampferin ihres Geschlechtes der Wurzel des
Uebels naher zu treten indem sie durch eine Reihe der
scharfsinnigten Analysen die feinsten Fasern des weiblichen
Empfindungsvermogens bloss legt, und endlich siegreich
bis zu einer rein monistischen, bzw. materialistischen, alle
Dissonanzen verwischenden und alle G-egensatze versohn-
enden, Weltanschauung durchdringt. Wir begriissen dieses
treffliche Buch als ein erfreuliches Zeichen dass auch auf
brittischen Boden, wo Eecht und Wahrheit sonst am
spatesten liber die Bewusstseinsschwelle zu steigen pflegen,
endlich die Morgenrote der Frauenemanzipation anhebt." —
Moria Roth im " Mautwurf".

" M. Lombroso nie la sensibilite chez les femmes. Mile
Austen affirme au contraire dans sa qualite de femme qu'elles

NEW BOOKS. 137

-sentent parfaitement bien, et meme que la sensibilite est un
petit signe particulier que la nature leur a donne en propre.
Voila un assez joli debat engage. Lequel des deux a tort,
lequel des deux a raison ? Nous laissons volontiers la reponse
a nos lecteurs et surtout a Mesdames nos lectrices." — La
Nuit Noire.

"Miss Jane Austen is, we believe, a sister of Miss Sarah
Austen, the well-known author of Pride and Prejudice, and
nearly connected with the Poet Laureate. The name of the
family is a guarantee for sound workmanship. . . . Miss
Austen is not one of those who fancy that human aspira-
tions can be measured by an electrometer." — The Garden
Critic.

The Cardinal and His Conscience. By ETERNAL HOPE.

As might have been expected, the ill-assorted couple are
soon parted. The How should be read, to understand the
Why. The author differs from Mr. Bradley in esteeming the
What above the That, and maintaining the transcendent im-
portance of knowing What's what in the Here and Now.

TWITTAKER.

BOOKS RECEIVED.

We hope to do justice, or more, to the following publica-
tions in subsequent issues.

Posthumous Selections from the Good Intentions (First and Second)
of Philosophy Professors. Edited by A. LUCKY CHANCE
and published by the Hades Publishing Co., Edition
de luxe, on asbestos paper, £5 5s.

The Psychological Baby. Its Care and Cure. Authorised trans-
lation from the American of Dr. KINDERSPOTT, Pro-
fessor of Paedology in the Washbosh Abnormal School,
Wis.

Der Halbweltschmerz. Seine Bedeutung und seine Behandlung.
Von Kurarzt Dr. BLUNDER.

Types of Ethical Theorists. Illustrated by F. GARROTTERS
GOULD. 2 vols.

The Will to Deceive. By Dr. JIMJAMS.

More Hegelisms from Worse Hashish. By BiLJAMES EFFENDI.

The Spirit of Modern Frivolity. By Prof. R. E. JOYCE.

A Treatise of Inhuman Nature. By DAVID X. HUME.

A Butler's Apology. By A. SILVER SPOONER.

An Emetic Psychology. By TARTAR E. METIQUE.

138 NEW BOOKS.

The Hypo-Critical Philosophy of Cant. 3 vols. Translated by

Sir TAINE NIGHT-MAEE, Kt.
Braddlenstein and His Monsters. By RITA.
On the Misinterpretation of the Nondescriptures . By Preben-
dary TWADLEE.

Drinking, Billing and Cooing. By E. W. ANGELL, Ph.D.
The Progress of Moral Disorder. By SALLY MANDEE.
The Problem of Misconduct. A Study of Infant Phenomenology.

By A. NAYLOE.

The Future of Geloiocracy. By DE TOQUE" VILLE.
The Syntax of Sense. By the Author of the Grammar of

Science.
Time and Trouble. A key to the Philosophy of Reflection. By

A METAPHYSICIAN OF EXPEEIENCE.
Instinct with Reason. By H. RUTGEES, Marshal of the U.S.

A(rmy).
Modern Psychopompology. By HEBE KiTCHENEE, M.A.,

Ph.D.

A Bare Outline of Psychopompology. By the Same.
The Voyage of the 0 there. By the Same.
A Handbook of Practical Geloiology. By A. SCOFFINGHOUE.
Paralelogismena and Perierga. By the Same.
The Secret of MIND ! By A. POUND STEELING.
Talks to Preachers. By the Author of Side Talks to Girls.
The Theory and Practice of Ignorance. By A. CEICHTON,

Professor of Metanoiology and Physametics in the Sage

and Onions School of Pholisophy. Troy Town, N. J.1
Informal Logic. For Ladies. By ANNA LODGICK, Sc.D.
The Elements of Analogic. An Autobiography. By A. LODG-

ICK, Sc.D.

Outlines of Comic Pholisophy. By JOHN FEISKE, LL.D.
Social Ecstatics. By HEEBEET MACKINTOSH.
Lectures on Human and Animal Pedagogy. By A. WoODD

VEDDAH.

Some Emotions and a Pill. By A. PAIN.
Plain Truths about the Absolute. Id. (2d. Coloured).
The Good Hegelian and the Bad Infinite. An Ethical Dialogue

for Sunday Schools. By JOE KING, D.D.
Advice to an Ingenuous Youth aboiit to Stiidy Pholisophy. By An

ASTUTEE.

Attempts at Degrees of Truth. For the use of Candidates.

Universe Extension Handbooks, No. 1.
Prometheus. Unbound in Paper Covers. By P. B. SHELLY,

1st edition.

1 N. J. = Not, apparently, New Jersey, but No Joke.

NEW BOOKS. 139

The Double Eagle and the Gold Standard. A plea for Orni-
theology versus Capitalism. By W. J. PRIAM.

The Philosophy of the Unconscionable. By E. von MANNHARDT.

The Squirm Spasm. A Theory of Absurdity. By Prof. JOACHIM
JONES.

The Origin Series, L, The Origin of Genus, II., The Origin of
Specie. By C. STAEWIN. [The Origins of Deference,
Property and Accidents to appear shortly.]

XXVIII.— ANSWEKS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

COLNEY HATCHED CHICKEN. — If you have lost your MM,
get another from Messrs. Williams & Norgate.

WOULD-BE MIND ! READER. — Of course you can try Tele-
pathy, but we expect a postal order would be more satisfactory.

MULTIPERPLEXED PERSONALITY. — If you have lost your
Sympathetic Unity of Apperception, put yourself in a doctor's
hands at once. The police are practically useless in such
cases.

TUTOR. — Your symptoms indicate incipient fossilisation of
the cortex. You should try the MIND ! cure.

MATERIALIST. — If you think MIND ! does not exist, call at
our office (without your revolver) any morning between ten
and one.

INDIGNANT OPTIMIST. — It seems very unfair. You had
better inquire of the Eternal Cussedness.

PESSIMIST. — If life is not worth living, you might try
whether death is worth dying.

PLATONIST. — No ; we did not notice any new Ideas at the
Universal Exposition. The Idea of the Beautiful was ires
chic et tres Parisienne : the Idea of Truth just a little over-
dressed.

INQUIRER. — Consult our back numbers for new Weltan-
schauungen. You should find no difficulty in disposing of
your last 2nd-hand. Second-hand Weltanschauungen are
usually firmly held, and realise good prices at auctions.

SPECULATIVE PHILOSOPHER. — (1) The Hades Exploration
Co. is a sound undertaking with immense possibilities. Its
management has not always been good, but you had better
hold your shares for a rise. (2) The Fairbairn Pastoral Co. is
an investment you are likely to do well by holding. (3) The
Absolute Ego Mine seems to us greatly over-capitalised and
we do not see how you can receive any returns. Moreover
its promoters have not hitherto been fortunate in their
undertakings.

tHj6\aarr). — You have our entire sympathy. It was
mere carping ' Sidgwickedness,' which is best disregarded. It
is outrageous to be asked to change the convictions of a life-

ANSWEES TO COEEESPONDENTS. 141

time merely because they finally land one in contradictions.
Do not, therefore, on meeting such, yield to the cruel and
cowardly ' instinct of trying to get rid of them '. As for
' distinguishing between the contradictions which are evi-
dence of error and those which are intimations of a higher
truth,' why not adhere firmly to the simple rule that the
former are those of others, the latter your own ? In this way
you simply cannot go wrong, or at least cannot be convicted of
having done so.

AEISTOPHANES. — We regret that we cannot publish your
contribution. Some respect must be shown to the elementary
canons of decency even in flattering the Absolute.

HEEETIC. — We dare not publish your amusing but para-
doxical paper, Wliy should Philosophy be dull ? at present. As
for Philosophers, there is no reason why they should be
dull in future, if they will only read and support MIND !
assiduously.

FOURTH YEAE MAN. — (1) A little rhubarb and more phys-
ical exercise should be beneficial. (2) Ask your doctor as to
what is the proper regimen ' for the Schools '. (3) Your tutor
probably knows what he is about in recommending " Aperients
and Diareality". (4) We do not agree that "morality is
appearance " and that it is " impossible for a philosopher to
save Appearances ".

SCIPIO PUBLICANUS. — We greatly like your method of
establishing the spirituous nature of the Absolute by showing
that it is ''above proof," and agree that it constitutes a
distinct advance on Hegel's. It is certainly shorter. We
hope to publish your paper in a subsequent issue.

PERPLEXED KANTIAN. — We are glad to be able to assure
you that the Mystery of the Categorical Imperative has at
length been solved. It is neither more nor less than MIND I
With its contents you should lose no occasion to render
yourself familiar. You will find thrice as many really neces-
sary truths on a page of MIND ! as in a volume of Kant or
Hegel.

WANTED, for the purposes of Science, a GENTLEMAN who would be willing
to devote himself to a life of absolute EGOISM. References to reputable
moralists given and required. Apply to DIRECTOR of Moral Experiment
Station, Exeter.

WANTED IMMEDIATELY, for Teaching Purposes, an INTELLIGIBLE
ABSOLUTE. Money no object. Apply to "Tutor," c/o Ed., MIND!

WANTED TO EXCHANGE (owing to former owner's retirement from
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to talk. A Hen- and Pan-coop would be accepted in exchange. " Novus
Homo," c/o Ed., MIND !

WANTED an ANCILLARY PHILOSOPHY. Good Wages. Comfortable home.
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FOR SALE a number of CATEGORICAL IMPERATIVES : for use on the Tow-
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A CULTURED and Refined HOME for DECAYED SHIBBOLETHS is offered
by a married Tutor of an ancient College in one of our oldest uni-
versities. Terms moderate and inclusive. " Senex," c/o Ed., MIND !

LECTURE JOKES AND CATCHWORDS! Supplied by the MIND!
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"Thanks to your new CATCHWORDS I have at last overtaken the
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feel that I owe my athletic rehabilitation entirely to you."

ALL EXAMS prepared for by our New Methods. Hypnotic Coaching, Mind !
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FOR SALE by Private Treaty. A UNIQUE MS., recently discovered in
Egypt, of HEROTTIDUS, BOOK X., containing his account of the
HYPERATLANTEANS, their Manners, Customs, Philosophy, etc. Collectors
of Americana please note.

SELF-RE AL-ISATION (Unlimited) in Bankruptcy. The Official Receiver
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may be proved up to the 31st of December.

THE NATIONAL HOME FOR BACKWARD AND REFRACTORY PARENTS,

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has noM/> become indispensable
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with and even of understanding it. Please send me another for the Civil
Service Exam. A cheap one with plenty of facts and few ideas will do."

THE DICTIONARY OF OXFORD MYTHOLOGY.

Containing a complete historical account of the >tories commonly told,
and the men to whom they have from time to time been attached. For the
use of Senior and Junior Common Rooms. By a Committee of Graduates and
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A genial Don writes : —

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contain the men to pursue a similar policy, your Dictionary will un-
doubtedly work a SOCIAL EEVOLUTION in Oxford. In my own Common
Eoom rational conversation has once more become possible (though
not yet actual)."

A Balliol Scholar writes : —

" We tried one night to find stories you had omitted, and to invent
fresh ones about the foibles of our dons. The fact that we failed
egregiously in both cases conclusively establishes the COMPLETENESS
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