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Full text of "Monachologia, or, Handbook of the natural history of monks : arranged according to the Linnaean system"

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PAPAL ISVASIOS 01 HSl.Kra 



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MONACHOLOGIA 



OR, 



HANDBOOK 



OF THE 



NATURAL HISTORY OF MONKS: 



ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE LINN-^AN SYSTEM. 



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BY 



A NATURALIST. 



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* • 



EDINBURGH: 
JOHNSTONE AND HUNTER. 

LONDON : SDiPEIN, MARSHALL, & CO. 






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M.DCCC.LH. 







EDINUUBUU: 
PJUNTE1> BY JOUJSeiTONB & HUNTER, 
IM HIGH 6TiU£jLT 



TO 

THE GREATEST BIPEDOLOGIST OP THE AGE, 
THE MOST ACCOMPLISHED SURGEON OF MORAL DEFORMITIES, 

BUT PARTICULABLY TO 

ONE WHO, THOUGH CONSTANTLY SCOURGING AND LASHING THE 

VICES AND FOLLIES OF MANKIND, HAS NEVER ATTEMPTED 

TO THROW RIDICULE ON MISFORTUNE, OR TO 

LAUGH AT REAL SUFFERING; 

TO THE RIGHT AND TRULY HONOURABLE 




r 1|ttnc^ flf Jfkt Stmt 



THIS WORK IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED, BY HIS CONSTANT 
READER AND SINCERE ADMIRER, 

THE TfiMSLATOB. 



AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 



Since the time when philosophy had been — 
chiefly by the instrumentality of its great Eng- 
lish reformer, Bacon — purified from the scho- 
lastic sophistries and medieval puerilities with 
which it was disfigured during so many ages, 
and restored to its pristine dignity, that of 
the mother of all human knowledge, the study 
of natural history began to make great pro- 
gress. The most eminent intellects of different 
countries engaged in the pursuit of this most 
attractive science ; they carefully observed and 
investigated the outward forms, constituent 
elements, and various properties of all that is 
moving and growing on the surface of the 
earth, as well as those of the innumerable trea- 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



sures whicli it contains in its fruitful womb; 
and they have given to the world the result of 
their learned labours, in the shape of many 
literary works, published in several languages. 
It may be therefore said, that nothing re- 
mains in nature which has not already been 
examined and described; and that after the 
rich harvest which had been gathered on that 
field by our predecessors, we naturalists of the 
present day are hardly able to glean upon it a 
"few scattered ears. 

One day, when oppressed by this painful con- 
sideration, so disheartening to a naturalist ambi- 
tious of fame, I was meditating about the best 
means of making a new discovery in natural 
science, I recollected, I don't know how, the 
invaluable precept of Solon — Know thyself. 
This admirable maxim, which has been so 
beautifully rendered by an English poet, who 
says, 

" The proper study of mankind is man/' 

produced a deep impression upon my mind, 



• - _ — —-, _ 



MONACHOLOaiA. 



and I began henceforward diligently to study 
the moral and physical nature of my own 
genus, and to compare it with various anthrO" 
pomorpMc species, when lo ! I discovered on a 
sudden, and in the most unexpected manner, a 
new genus, which connects man^ the most per- 
fect of all mortal beings, with the monkey^ 
the most silly of all animals, and completely 
fiUs up the chasm which was hitherto believed 
to exist between the hiped and the quodru- 
mana — or, to use a vulgar expression, between 
man and monkey. I mean the monh^ a genus 
of mammalia, whose outward appearance is 
almost identical with that of man, though in 
every other respect there is an immeasurable 
distance which separates man from the monk.* 

* Translator's Note. — I think that the scientific value of this 
discovery cannot be overrated; and I feel quite proud to have had 
an opportunity of bringing to light and rescuing from an unde- 
served oblivion the merits of its accomplished author. His fate 
was, however, that of many eminent individuals, who, appearing 
before their age, were not understood by their contemporaries, and, 
consequently, not only deprived of the reward due to their services, 
but were not unfrequently made the object of a severe persecution. 
The reproduction of this great discovery is, I think, a most oppor- 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



Far be it from me to accuse of negligence 
those savans who have preceded me in the 
study of natural history, and who, embracing 
in their learned researches the largest as well 
as the most minute objects which belong to the 
domain of that science, have hitherto omitted 
to investigate the numerous and multifarious 
herd of monks, which they had every day plenty 
of opportunities to see moving under their very 
noses. This almost unaccountable oversight, 
committed by so many eminent naturahsts, 
may, however, be in some measure excused, 
though never justified, by the most extraordi- 
nary likeness which undoubtedly exists between 

tune event to those naturalists who advocate the system of a gradual 
development of all living beings, from the lowest to the highest 
organization; and therefore I recommend this subject to the parti- 
cular attention of the author of the Vestiges of the Natural History 
of Creation, as it entirely removes the difficulty under which this 
ingenious writer was labouring, and which was occasioned by the 
chasm which had hitherto been believed to exist between man and 
the ourang-mitang. If he wishes to avail himself of this great dis- 
covery (and it would be very strange indeed if he would not), in 
order to complete his theory of creation, he is very welcome to do 
so. I, however, sincerely hope that, as a man of honour, he will 
not fail to acknowledge the source whence he will have derived 
this important, and, for his theory, quite invaluable fact. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 5 

I 



I 



the face and figure of a man and those of a 
monk, and Avhieh, particularly in some cases, is 
so great, that a superficial observer may easily 
mistake both for one and the same being. 
Yet, though great allowances must be made 
to those naturalists for the very strange 
oversight which they have conmiitted on this 
occasion, and which, I think, is an additional 
reason for himibling that pride of intellect to 
which men of science are so much subject, I 
cannot but exult at the idea that I was allowed 
the privilege of being the first discoverer of 
such a new and immense field for the exertion 
of future naturalists, and consequent advance 
of science. I frankly confess that this great 
and important discovery has filled my heart 
with such a great joy, that if I had lived in 
the times of Pythagoras I certainly would 
have oflfered to the gods a hecatomb — i.e., a 
hundred heads of the best fattened monks I 
should be able to provide, in order duly to 
acknowledge such a piece of good fortune, and 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



which undoubtedly is far superior to that of 
having discovered the celebrated geometrical 
theorem, which the above mentioned philoso- 
pher is said to have repaid by the sacrifice of 
the same number of heads of cattle. And, 
indeed, I really think that if inventions and 
discoveries are to be valued, not by their 
beauty, but by their utility to mankind, I 
could, if my innate modesty did not prevent 
me from doing it, exclaim — 



" Exegi monumentum wre perennius" 

with a much better right than it was done by 
the Roman poet, who got for a song so many 
good things during his lifetime and so much 
glory after his death. I am, however, by no 
means so conceited as to . think that I have 
exhausted in my present work this important 
subject, or even succeeded in condensing into 
its pages a description of the numerous host of 
monks, particularly as it is absolutely requisite, 
in order to produce such a work, diUgently to 



■ 



observe, and carefully to collect, the distinctive 
characters of the whole genus, as well as those 
of each of the innumerable species which con- 
stitute that genus. A work of this kind cannot, 
therefore, be even attempted before the most 
distinguished naturalists of every country under 
the sun shall have systematically described all 
the existing species, varieties, and subvarieties of 
the genus monk. However, before the natural- 
ists of this age, moved by my representations 
and exhortations, shall betake themselves to 
the study of Monachology, I have attempted 
to compose this handbook of Monkery, scien- 
tifically arranged according to the Linnaean 
system ; and I was induced to publish this little 
work in its present imperfect state, without 
any farther delay, chiefly on account of the fol- 
lowing circumstance: — ^Monarchs and govern- 
ments, who have at heart the welfare of their 
subjects, issued various regulations for the ex- 
termination of animals which are destructive 
of crops, flocks, and game — as, for instance, 



8 



MONACHOLOaiA. 



sparrows, hawks, wolves, &c. ; and having 
succeeded in their object of public utiKty, 
they are now adopting, with the same view, 
similar measures against the monks, who un- 
doubtedly are very noxious animals to man- 
kind. Now, as it is very desirable that the 
above mentioned monarchs and governments 
should, and as it is very probable that they will, 
succeed in their useful object, and that the whole 
genus of monkery will disappear from the face 
of the earth, it is therefore very likely that 
if I had not produced this work, the naturahsts 
of our age, who have omitted to describe this 
important class of mammalia, would have been 
justly accused of a gross and culpable neglect, 
by their professional and amateur successors of 
a future period who, on seeing painted or sculp- 
tured representations of various kinds of monks, 
* 

would be quite at a loss, not only how to define 
and to class, but even how to name the various 
species of these extinct animals, a difficulty for 
the solution of which they would look in vain 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



to those vague and unsatisfactory descriptions 
of the same kind of mammalia which may be 
found in various books. 

Augsburg, 2Sth December 1782, 



A 2 



o 



TRANSLATOR'S OBSERVATIONS. 



The foregoing was written by a distinguished 
naturaKst of Austria, at a time when the Em- 
peror Joseph II. was endeavouring to abolish 
the numberless abuses which had accumu- 
lated for ages in his dominions. He found 
the greatest obstacle to all his plans of re- 
form and improvement the genus monk, which 
in all its varieties infected every town and 
almost every village of the land. He therefore 
attempted partly to destroy these dangerous 
animals, and partly to render at least some 
species of them innocuous, and even to convert 
them into a kind of useful domestic animals. 
The hopes with which this circimistance inspired 
the author about the speedy extinction of this 
kind of j^rcB, which he has described in this work, 
have not been fulfilled ; for it is well known that 



12 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



the Imperial reformer succumbed under the 
fatigues of his arduous task, and it is even gene- 
rally believed that he died from a malady which 
was caused by the bite of one of the most 
venomous species of this genus. It appeared, 
however, for some time that the same result 
would be brought about by different causes, as 
the violent storms and commotions which swept 
the continent of Europe since the death of the 
Emperor Joseph II. had partly destroyed the 
genus Tnonachorumy and stunned the remainder 
of them in such a manner that they had become 
entirely innocuous, and some of their varieties 
as tame and as inoffensive as lambs; so that 
there was no objection to their continuing to 
exist, except that they were not worth their 
feed. 

The opinion of our author, that the whole 
genus monacJiorum was speedily to disappear, 
and to be henceforward classed with the mam- 
moth, mastodont, the saurian, and other ante- 
diluvian relics, was shared by all the na- 
turalists of his time; and the events which 
took place subsequently to the publication of 
his work, and to which I have alluded above, 



MONACHOLOaiA. 13 



seemed entirely to confirm the soundness of 
his views on this important subject. Things 
have, however, entirely changed in our own 
time; and the occurrences of every day evi- 
dently prove, that the gemis moncLchorum^ 
instead of being extinct, is, on the contrary, 
fast reappearing in every quarter of the globe, 
and seems to be particularly thriving in our 
own happy island. A very remarkable circum- 
stance, indeed, is, that according to the general 
opinion of all Irishmen, no venomous reptile 
can live in their emerald isle; and yet, not- 
withstanding this general assertion, which may 
be considered as an axiom in Irishism, the 
gefiiiis Tnonachorum, in its most virulent varie- 
ties, could never be extirpated from the Hiber- 
nian soil in spite of all the efforts which were 
made for this purpose by successive govern- 
ments, as well as by powerful associations. It 
is now infesting the above mentioned island 
with daily increasing numbers, and commits 
there much more mischief than is done by 
that new and never before heard of insect, 
which I think is called by the naturaKsts aphis 
vastatWj and to which the cause of the potato 



14 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



rot is ascribed. The translator of this little but 
very important and useful work has studied that 
curious but most dangerous class of manmialia 
which forms its subject, not only in books and 
museums, but, what is much more important, 
has had many opportunities to observe the above 
mentioned animal in its living state. He there- 
fore ventures to make a few observations on this 
weighty subject, which seem to have escaped 
the attention of the accomplished author of this 
work. 

No animal in the creation is perhaps so much 
modified in its instincts and habits, by the out^ 
ward influences of climate, locality, and the 
contact with himian beings of difierent charac- 
ter, than the biped in question. I have my- 
self seen many individuals belonging to the dif- 
ferent varieties of Monkery as tame and as 
playful as spaniels, and on that account great 
pets of ladies, particularly of elderly ones. I 
have also known many of them who, by a long 
contact with men, had become so humanized, 
that if you were to take from them the cowl, 
let grow their shaven crowns, and divest them 
of other outward characteristics of their genus. 



MONACHOLOGU. 15 



which the reader may find amply described 
and illustrated by many figures in the scien- 
tific terminology given afterwards, you would 
positively mistake them for individuals belong- 
ing to our own kind. I must also make an ob- 
servation which, I think, may be* of great prac- 
tical use in the present times, namely, that 
almost every variety of this kind of animal has 
such imitative powers, that no species of mon- 
key can rival them in this respect. Many cases 
indeed may be quoted, where these creatures 
have assumed the human form in such a manner 
as to baffle detection even by the most acute 
observer of human and monkish nature ; and 
we may better imagine than describe the asto- 
nishment of all those who, after having mis- 
taken them during a considerable time for 
individuals of our own race, saw them at once 
appearing with a cowl and all the characteristics 
of their species, and found that what they had 
believed to be a man was only a disguised monk. 
Such metamorphoses begin now every day to 
be more and more frequent in this country; 
and I warn my readers, that whenever a monk 
conceals his real character he generally does 



16 MONACHOLOaiA. . 



it for some sinister purpose, and plays exactly 
the part of a wolf in sheep's clothes. 

The signs by which sl heor she monk, who has 
assumed the human figure, may be discovered, 
are chiefly the continually-increasing mani- 
festations of a monkish nature which such an 
apparently human being is daily giving. These 
symptomatic manifestations are very numerous 
and very manifold, so that I could not give a 
detailed description of them without greatly 
exceeding the limits of the present work. I 
shall therefor^ mention only some of the most 
important of them, which are : The perfor- 
mance of certain odd gesticulations, which are 
commonly called mummeries, at certain hours 
of the day; abstinence from certain kinds of 
food on certain days of the week, the month, 
and the year ; great fondness for high and thick 
walls, with narrow windows, or such that are 
provided with stained glass, because broad day 
light and open air are most uncongenial to 
monkish nature, and are not unfrequently so dis- 
agreeable to it, that many of this genus bur- 
row under ground, in order to escape the in- 
fluence of those two beneficial agencies indispen- 



MONACHOLOGIA. 17 



sable for the preservation of human life and 
health. One of the most characteristic sjonp- 
•toms by which Monkery may be detected under 
the garb of humanity, and which is very often 
a sure token of the speedy resumption of their 
real form by those individuals by whom it is 
exhibited, is a strong and frequently-mani- 
fested sympathy for monkish habits, tastes, and 
every thing which is connected with their genus ; 
but particularly so for those times when the 
world was overrun by monks, and the human 
race sorely vexed by them. It must, however, 
be remarked, that there are very numerous 
cases of men and women, who, though exhibiting 
all the usual symptoms of incipient Monkery, 
remain, nevertheless, in their primitive state, 
and do not become transmuted into monks. 
Nevertheless, many of these inexplicable beings, 
retaining all the time human form and habits, 
lose the reasoning faculties by which our species 
is distinguishable from other classes of mam- 
malia, and instead of ruling over the lower 
organizations, as it is the privilege of our race, 
they become themselves slaves of the monks, 
and seem to have no other object in life than 



18 MONACHOLOGIA. 



to minister to the wants and whims of these 
dangerous bipeds. 

There are also several instances of human 
beings, who, after having exhibited a most 
curious struggle between Humanity and Monk- 
ery, which takes place in their moral and phy- 
sical constitution, are entirely restored to their 
sound senses, and freed from every infection of 
Monkery. 

It results from the circumstances related 
above, that the discovery of the Austrian na- 
turalist that the genus monk forms a connect- 
ing link between man and monkey, however 
great and important in its scientific application, 
has by no means completed the chain which 
binds together the highest with the lowest 
organization, but that this great honour may 
be claimed by my own humble self, who was 
the first to discover that there is still an inter- 
mediate being between man and monk, and of 
which I have given above the general charac- 
teristics. It is, however, impossible to define, 
with scientific exactness, this strange being, 
for it seems to be a kind of lusus naturce^ 
which is only sporadic in its appearance. It 



MONACHOLOGIA. 19 



seems, however, to be a subvariety either of 
Humanity or of Monkery ; but it has not yet been 
decided with which of the above-mentioned 
genera it is to be more properly classed. 

A celebrated Scotch philosopher (Lord Mon- 
boddo) has triumphantly established that man 
is nothing else but a monkey which has lost its 
tail ; and I may say, without any imdue pride, 
that, inspired by the genius hci (for I write in 
Edinburgh), I have considerably developed this 
true and ingenious theory, by discovering that 
man is also a monk who has lost his cowl ; and as 
Lord Monboddo's theory may be supported by 
the undoubted fact, that there are many tail- 
less apes which go about in a human dress, my 
improvement of the same theory may be, I 
think, no less powerfully supported by an 
equally strong and convincing evidence, ^.6., i 
the undeniable fact, that there are many cowl- 
less monks wandering about in the very same 
shape as the tailless apes to which I have 
alluded above. As an additional corroboration 
of. the truth of this theory, I appeal to the 
decision of my readers whether it does not 
frequently happen that even the best deve- 



20 



MONACHOLOGiA. 



loped human organizations occasionally show a 
considerable admixture of an apish and monk- 
ish nature.* 

There is a characteristic peculiarity in the 
genus monk, and which it has in common with 
many beasts of prey — as, for instance, the bear, 
the wolf, the fox, &c. — with this only differ- 
ence, that the peculiarity in question may be 
found in each individual of the above-men- 
tioned quadrupeds, whilst in the case of the 
monks it is observable only in whole herds of 
their manifold varieties. This peculiarity is, 
that all these creatures when young, and con- 
sequently small and feeble, are innocuous, and 
not unfrequently amusing, but gradually be- 
come fierce and dangerous in the same ratio as 
they grow in size and strength. Thus, for in- 
stance, a bear, a wolf, and a fox, as long as it 
is a cub, may, when caught by man, be easily 



* I sincerely hope that the author of The Vestiges of the Ncstwral 
History of Creation^ in mentioning the great service which the author 
of this work has rendered to the system of the gradual develop- 
ment, (and which, as I have already said above, p. 4, he will un- 
doubtedly do in his next edition,) he will be just enough not to 
forget to mention also my own share in the completion of a system 
which he has advocated with so much success. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 21 



tamed and played with without any danger J 
but as soon as those cubs begin to grow, 
their predatory instincts become developed with 
their strength : they will flee to their native ^ 
wilderness, or bite and tear the hand which has 
fed them. This characteristic peculiarity, com- 
mon to all the animals of prey, manifests itself 
amongst the monks in the following manner : — 
As long as their numbers are few, their incomes 
small, and consequently their forces feeble, they 
are generally the most tractable, good-natured, 
innocuous, and obliging creatures, so that they 
usually become great favourites with the people 
in the midst of whom they have established their 
lairs, or, as they are usually called, monasteries. 
But as soon as their herds increase in numbers, 
and their wealth accumulates, and as soon as, 
in consequence of these favourable circum- 
stances, their strength has also increased, their 
predatory instincts become rapidly developed, 
and the peaceful, inofiensive creatures become 
meddlesome — interfering mth the domestic 
concerns of every family in their neighbour- 
hood — domineering, and finally persecuting in 
the most cruel manner all those who will not 



22 MONACHOLOGIA. 



consent to become their abject slaves, feed 
them with the produce of their toil, abjure their 
reasoning faculties, and deliver their wives and 
daughters to the guidance of their cowled task- 
masters. Every opposition to the above-men- 
tioned demands is called, in the monkish Ian- 
guage. Heresy, and exposes those who are 
accused of it to the danger of being torn to 
pieces by these bipeds greedy of power and of 
money. The sanguinary instincts of these ani- 
mals, excited by the smell of heresy, are so 
strong, that they are often manifested even 
before the opportunity of satisfying them has 
arrived ; and this has probably been thus ar- 
ranged by a beneficent Nature, in order that the 
intended victim may have time to escape from 
the fangs of its persecutors. An undeniable 
proof of the strength of this instinct is afforded 
by the printed howls for heretical blood which 
are now beginning to appear in monkish papers 
published in France, and even in this coun- 
try ; because it must be remarked that monk is 
not only a speaking, but also a scribbling animal. 
I therefore warn those of my readers who de- 
spise the comparatively small number which is 



MONACHOLOGIA. 23 



now found in this country, and consequent 
weakness of this kind of bipeds, because in a 
short time experience will teach them that as 
soon as it gains a footing in this country, it will 
multiply with the most extraordinary rapidity, 
cover the whole land mth its lairs or monas- 
teries, and prove as prolific as rabbits — making, 
however, much more mischief than this little 
animal causes in fields and gardens ; a mischief 
which this small quadruped compensates in 
some measure, when killed, by its meat and 
skin; whilst the biggest monk, when dead, 
gives only a negative advantage, ^.6., that he is 
incapable of doing any more mischief, because 
monks'-meat, though generally considered very 
rich, may be eaten only by some islanders of 
the Pacific. It is, however, very doubtful 
whether, since the time when New Zealand 
acknowledged the sovereignty of our gracious 
Queen, it is possible to find even the smallest 
sUce of a hot or cold monk-joint at the entertain- 
ments given by the native aristocracy of that 
distant part of the British dominions ; though, 
according to a no less grave authority than 
that of a reverend and learned literary critic, 



24 MONACnOLOGIA. 



joints of a very similar description are an indis- 
pensable item of the bill of fare presented at 
the table of a stylish New Zealand chief. 

It would require folios if I were to attempt a 
detailed description of all the mischievous ef- 
fects invariably produced in those countries 
which have the misfortune of being infested by 
those noxious animals. The reality of this 
danger seems, moreover, to begin to be gene- 
rally felt in this country ; and I am happy to 
observe that even the attention of the Govern- 
ment has been drawn to this important sub- 
ject, as is evident from the royal proclamation 
issued on the 15th June of this year 1852, with 
the object of preserving the thoroughfares and 
public places from the invasion of the multifa- 
rious varieties and subvarieties of Monkery. 
It is, however, not so easy, particularly for an 
unpractised eye, to detect a genuine individual 
of this class of mammalia, amidst the immense 
variety of bipeds which flock from all the parts 
of the world to the metropolis, as well as to the 
great commercial cities of this country. I 
therefore beg leave most earnestly to recom- 
mend this book to the particular attention of all 



MONACHOLOGIA. 25 



the justices of peace, police officers, and all ma- 
gistrates and authorities who are charged with 
the execution of the provisions of the above-men- 
tioned royal proclamation for the maintenance 
of public order, and the safety of the souls and 
bodies of her Majesty's lieges, seriously menaced 
by the animals against which the said royal 
proclamation has been issued. I can assure 
them that if they will diligently study this 
book, and particularly make themselves tho- 
roughly acquainted with the scientific termino- 
logy, illustrated by many figures, carefully 
drawn from nature, which it contains, they may 
be able to make most wonderful discoveries of 
incipient as well as fully-developed Monkery, 
and this in quarters where they least suspect 
its existence. They may thus become instru- 
mental in rendering on many occasions consi- 
derable services to their fellow-men in general, 
and to their own countrymen in particular, by 
saving, through a timely discovery of the dan- 
ger, many individuals and families from falling 
a prey to the fierce and cunning class of mam- 
malia which is described in this work. 

Many are the means which were employed, 

B 



26 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



4 , 



in various countries and ages, for the destruc- 
tion of Monkery, or at least for keeping it 
within certain bounds, as well as those which 
have been and continually are devised and re- 
commended in our own days. It is well known 
that this blessed country of ours had, previously 
to the reign of Harry VIII., contained every 
species, variety, and subvariety of the genus 
monk, and that it was, in fact, a large preserve 
of Monkery. It is no less well known that this 
kind of animals were causing to the inhabitants 
more mischief than has ever been done by other 
preserved game or wild beasts, because they 
not only devoured the fruits of the earth like 
hares and rabbits, plundered hen-roosts like 
foxes, destroyed cattle and sheep like wolves, 
and tore to pieces like tigers those who dared 
to oppose their depredations ; but they did what 
the fiercest beasts of prey had never done, for 
they devoured land itself with the most insa- 
tiable greediness, swallowing it by hundreds 
and even by thousands of acres, and without 
ever suifering from this any surfeit. Every 
one knows that the above-mentioned King 
Harry, having had one day, somehow or other. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 27 



his sporting propensities turned towards this 
kind of game, became passionately fond of 
monk-hunting, and that his faithful lieges, 
wearied by the voracity of these cowled dra- 
gons, joined their sovereign in this chase, which 
proved far more profitable than that of any 
other animal in the creation to all those who 
had the good fortune of taking a part in the 
royal hattv£. This sport was suspended under 
the reign of Queen Mary, who was so fond of 
these animals, that she allowed them to eat 
some of the keenest sportsmen who had been, 
during the preceding reign, chasing them. But 
after the death of the royal fancier of the 
bipeds in question, monk-hunting recommenc- 
ed with redoubled zest; the consequence of 
which was, that it was soon impossible to find 
in this island any specimens of this kind of 
mammalia, except secretly preserved by some 
amateurs of them. It was therefore very na- 
tural that a general opinion should prevail, that 
the reappearance of monks in this island was 
no more to be apprehended than that of wolves. 
The wolves did not reappear, *and this for a 
very good reason, i.e., because they cannot 



28 MONACHOLOaiA. 



swim. The case, however, proved different 
with the monks ; for not only can they travel, 
like men, by coach, steamboat, and railway, but 
the same may be said of monkish cunning and 
perseverance which a poet of the sinking, or 
Martin Scriblerus school said, more than a cen- 
tury ago, of British valour : — 



" Nor art nor nature has the force 
To stop their steady course; 
Nor Alps nor Pyreneans keep them out, 
Nor fortified redoubt'' 



The facility with which monks appear and 
take root, whenever circumstances favourable 
for their existence occur, is quite wonderful. 
They really seem to spring from under the 
ground ; and as soon as a couple of them gain 
footing in any place, they immediately con- 
struct, by building over and burrowing under 
ground, a lair or monastery sufficient for con- 
taining many more of them, and usually it is 
filled in no time. 

It would require a separate work if I were to 
describe how the monks did gradually creep 
back into this country ; but it is a universally 



MONACHOLOGIA, 29 



acknowledged fact, that they are now rapidly 
spreading over the length and breadth of this 
happy island, to the great dismay of her Ma- 
jesty's lieges, with the exception of some few, 
who, being very fond of curiosities in art and 
nature, are such fanciers of these bipeds, that 
they expend considerable sums of money for 
erecting large buildings, where these cowled 
creatures are comfortably housed and well fed 
at the expense of the above-mentioned fanciers. 
This kind of odd fancy seems to be so preva- 
lent in Ireland, that many poor people submit 
to great privations in order to indulge in it, by 
spending their hard-earned pence and half- 
pence in order to have the monks well fed and 
housed. 

I said before that the storms which swept 
the continent of Europe since the end of the 
last century, had almost entirely destroyed the 
monks, or rendered them quite innocuous, but 
that they were now fast reappearing every 
where. I may add, that the monarchs and 
governments who were so anxious to extermi- 
nate this kind of noxious animals, are now 
equally anxious to promote their breed; and 



30 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



particularly of those of its kinds which were 
formerly the especial objects of their persecu- 
tion, as being the mosi injurious to the souls, 
bodies, and goods of their subjects. The ob- 
ject of this extraordinary change in the admi- 
nistrative policy of those governments seems to 
be, to employ those very monks whom they had 
formerly been so anxious to extirpate, as a kind 
of bloodhounds to track out and hunt certain 
classes of human beings, whom they now dis- 
like more than they ever did the monks — ^who 
have already proved on several occasions to be 
as serviceable in this kind of chase as those 
bloodhounds which are employed, in Cuba and 
other parts of the Western World, for tracking 
out and catching runaway negroes. Be it as it 
may, it is a fact, that in Austria, where this 
book was originally composed in order to save 
from oblivion the memory of the existence of 
the genus monk, which was then fast disappear- 
ing under the severe measures adopted by the 
Emperor Joseph 11., for the complete extirpa- 
tion of it, this very class of mammaUa is now 
rapidly multiplying under the fostering care of 
the present government, which seems to be 



MONACHOLOaiA. 31 



as anxious to promote tlie breeding of these 
bipeds, as the Emperor Joseph 11. was intent 
on their destruction. 

In France, the same kind of mammalia, after 
having preyed on the vitals of the country, and 
enjoyed a most flourishing condition till towards 
the end of the last century, was either de- 
stroyed or driven out of the country by that 
terrible commotion which shook the above-men- 
tioned country to its very foundations; but 
now they are rapidly spreading over the whole 
surface of the land, and seem to be greatly 
favoured by its rulers. The same thing is now 
going on in many other parts of the continent, 
where in different places the above-mentioned 
bipeds are reared on purpose for the English 
market, whither a great number of them are 
continually exported. The most stringent cus- 
tom regulations, and the strictest vigilance of 
the coast-guard, could never prevent the im- 
portation of this kind of live-stock when it was 
contraband; and the government has acted 
wisely in removing prohibitions which could 
not be enforced. Such prohibitions would be 
now entirely useless, since the same live-stock 






32 MONACHOLOGIA. 



is bred in great abundance in the country itself, 
unless it were done on the principle of protec- 
tion to the home-breeders. 

It results from all that has been said, that 
Monkery, multiplying as it does in this country 
by home-production as well as by importation 
from other countries, must, within a certain 
time, which may be calculated with tolerable 
accuracy, completely overrun this island, and 
become as rampant and dangerous to the souls, 
bodies, goods, and chattels of its inhabitants, as 
it was previously to the reign of Harry of monk- 
hunting memory. This result seems to be in- 
evitable, because every thing which continually 
grows, must end by becoming enormous ; every 
one who continually advances, must finally 
arrive; and every number which continually 
increases, must become immense. Now, all 
these three circumstances are applicable to the 
state of Monkery in this country ; because it is 
an universally admitted fact, that their posses- 
sions grow, their influence advances, and their 
numbers increase. I would, therefore, beg 
my readers to decide themselves what must 
be the inevitable consequence of this state of 



MONACHOLOGIA. 33 



things, if something be not done to prevent 
the consummation of an otherwise unavoidable 
event. 

Something, therefore, must be done. But 
what is to be done ? That is the rub. 

Monk-hunting, as it was practised in the times 
of Harry and Elizabeth, is now quite out of 
fashion ; and it cannot be, particularly in this 
country, resorted to with more effect than that 
which our soldiers would obtain if they were 
marched to the field of battle, clad in mail, 
armed with the paladine's lance and the sword 
of the crusader; and I believe that even the 
most cordial monk-hater would not, being in 
his senses, advise to undertake such a chase. 
Some people who are much alarmed at the ra- 
pid increase of the bipeds in question, have 
tried to frighten them out of the country, or at 
least out of their immediate neighbourhood, by 
producing noises which are very like a monkish 
howl ; probably thinking that the great homoeo- 
pathic principle, Similia similihus curantitr, 
may be applied with advantage in this case. I 
would, however, warn all those who wish to 

drive away the monks in the manner mentioned 

b2 



34 MONACHOLOGIA. 



above, not to try their hand at this kind of 
sport; for I may assure them that if it once 
comes to howling, the most expert of them in 
this kind of music will prove to be. no match 
for the monks, and will be completely out- 
howled and out-bellowed by them. They may 
also be sure, that instead of frightening away 
the mischievous bipeds, they will only attract 
new crowds of them, by a music so congenial to 
monkish feelings. I also warn the amateurs of 
monk-hunting never to try catching this kind of 
game by imitating its tricks ; because they will 
be sure to do it as awkwardly as if they were 
attempting climbing like cats and monkeys, or 
slipping like eels ; and that instead of catching 
a monk in this manner, they will soon find out 
that they have caught a Tartar. 

The only efiective means of arresting the 
progress of Monkery, and even of destroying it, 
and the only one which it is now possible to 
employ in this country, is, to expose this mis- 
chievous brood as much as possible to the in- 
fluence of air and light — ^I mean, the air of 
^ liberty and the light of knowledge, which are 
destructive of Monkery, as well as of every 



MONACHOLOGIA. 35 



other noxious being produced by the mephitic 
air of ignorance. Care must therefore be 
taken, that the lairs, or, as they are usually 
called, convents, which are inhabited by monks 
of both sexes, should be always kept open to 
the vivifying currents of the pure air of free- 
dom. Consequently liberty, complete liberty, 
should be granted to every he or she monk to 
play their antics, to assume various odd shapes, 
and, in short, to do \vdth themselves what they 
like, provided it is done without injury to others; 
but, at the same time, to do all this only as long 
and as much as they themselves choose to do it, 
and neither longer nor more. And should ever 
their superiors attempt to compel them to do 
something which they do not like, or to restrain 
their liberty in any way, let them be punished 
in the same manner as if they were guilty of 
such an act of violence against human beings. 

I have already said that it is the mephitic 
air of ignorance which generates Monkery, 
as it does many other evils that have afflicted 
humanity, in various ages and countries, and 
are still afflicting it. It is therefore very na- 
tural that the light of knowledge, which de- 



36 MONACHOLOGIA. 



stroys the above mentioned cause of evil, should 
also destroy its effects ; and that the miasma of 
ignorance and superstition being once dissi- 
pated by the rays of light, Monkery, as well 
as other products of the corruption of the in- 
tellectual atmosphere, being once deprived of 
the element whence they derive their life and 
subsistence, must rapidly dwindle into nothing 
and disappear. There are indeed many in- 
stances of miserable monklings, who, having 
been exposed for some time to the bracing air 
of freedom^ and the vivifying light of know- 
ledge, lost their cowl, as well as all the ex- 
ternal characters and internal propensities of 
their genus, and became entirely metamor- 
phosed into men, and men in the highest 
acceptation of this word, so that they were 
afterwards instrumental in producing many 
similar transmutations on individuals of the ge- 
nus to which they themselves had formerly 
belonged. • 

If, therefore, a country, a city, or a commu- 
nity has been infected by the pestilence of 
Monkery, or is showing the premonitory symp- 
toms of that dreadful visitation, it becomes the 



MONACHOLOGIA. 37 



duty of all those who are intrusted with the 
preservation of the public safety of that coun- 
try, city, or community — all those who have 
some influence with the public, as well as 
every one who feels as a patriot and an honest 
man ought to feel, to unite their efforts in 
order to promote, as much as lies in their 
power, the moral and intellectual ventilation 
and lighting of every place within the reach of 
their influence. Light is the greatest anti- 
Monkery specific, for it destroys even the most 
vivacious kinds of monks ; and air will become 
soon stagnant and corrupted, if it is deprived 
of the beneficial influence of light. Therefore 
let the place which is already infested by Monk- 
ery, or only threatened to become so, be ex- 
posed as much as possible to light ; but not to 
that gaslight with which many have attempted 
in vain to overcome the candlelight of Monk- 
ery, but the powerful light of the sun, which will 
illumine not only the tops and upper storeys of 
the houses, but penetrate into the interior of 
the lowest tenements, and dissipate the miasma 
of ignorance and superstition upon which Monk- 
ery thrives and fattens, but without which it 



38 MONACHOLOGIA. 



withers and dies. And if, as it not unfrequently 
happens, the rays of the sun of knowledge, pe- 
netrating into places where they had never 
appeared before, were to offuscate for a mo- 
ment the eyes of those who had hitherto been 
accustomed only to candle or gaslight, and 
produce in their visual organs some strange 
distortions, let them not be frightened by this 
temporary aberration of their sight, but conti- 
nue steadily to look at the objects illumined by 
the rays of the sun of knowledge ; and they may 
be sure that all those optical illusions which 
have caused them so much uneasiness will soon 
disappear, and that they will be able to see 
objects as they really are, and not as they were 
represented to them by the monkish candle- 
light, or that gaslight which unfortunately even 
some very violent enemies of Monkery some- 
times prefer to that of the sun. 

The great English philosopher Bacon said — 
Knowledge is poioer; and it may be added, that 
it is an irresistible power in destroying Monk- 
ery, as well as every other product of moral 
and intellectual darkness. 



MONACHOLOGIA, 39 



I PROCEED now to the strictly scientific part of 
Monachologia. 



GENERAL DESCRIPTION OF THE GENUS MONK. 

The monk is an anthropomorphous animal ; 
cowled ; howling at night ; always thirsty. 

Description. — The body of the monk is biped, 
erect, with a somewhat crooked back; head 
hanging down and cowled; the whole body 
covered with a woollen garment, with the ex- 
ception of certain varieties, that have some 
parts of it uncovered. It is a greedy, stinking, 
and unclean animal, always tormented with 
thirst, and which would sooner starve than work 
in order to get food.* The monks herd to- 

* Translator's Note. — The description given in the text is 
applicable to its subject when it is fully developed under the most 
favourable circumstances. In other circumstances, and when it has 
not yet attained its full development, it becomes occasionally a very 
sober and abstemious animal. The adjectives of ** stinking and 
unclean" cannot be, as I think, applied to all kinds of monks, be- 
cause some of them, and particularly that which is described under 
No. 12, have often a very clean appearance, and smell like nosegays, 



^0 MONACHOLOGIA. 



gether at sunrise and sunset, and some varieties 
at midnight. Whenever one monk begins to 
howl, the whole herd does the same.. They 
flock together at the sound of a bell, and they 
usually walk in couples. They live by rapine 
or begging ; and they maintain that the world 
was created for their advantage. 

The female monk, vulgarly called a Nun, is 
scarcely difierent from the male, except that 
she wears a veil, and is' more cleanly, laborious, 
and less thirsty than the male. When young, 
she is generally as playful as a kitten, and 
catches at every thing she sees; when old, 
gossiping and ill-natured. 



DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAN AND MONK. 

Man speaks, reasons, wills; monk is fre- 
quently mute, and has neither reason nor will, 
being entirely governed by the will of his supe- 
rior. Man walks with his head erect ; the head 
of a monk is hanging down, and his eyes are 

chiefly when they are prowling about for young and old ladies. It 
must be also remarked, that although laziness is the general cha- 
racteristic of the genus monk, there are some species of it which 
are very industrious, and particularly so for mischief. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 41 

fixed upon the ground. Man eats his bread in 
the sweat of his brow ; the monk fattens in idle- 
ness. Man lives amongst his fellow-creatures ; 
the monk seeks solitude, and flies from day- 
light. Hence it is evident, that the monk forms- 
a distinct class of uiamuialia, which holds a 
middle place, and forms a connecting link be- 
tween man and the monkey. 



42 MONACHOLOGIA. 



The genus monk may be divided into three 
great families — the omnivorous, the ichthyo- 
phage, and the graminivorous.* 

The characters by which the various species 
of monks are defined, are taken from the head, 
the feet, the cowl, and the dress. 

The head is either hairy, or bristly, or sha- 
ven. It is furthermore diversified by a circular 
crop of hair, by a hairy or furrowed crown, by 
a beardless or bearded chin. 

The feet are shod, half-shod, or bare. 

The cowl is either versatile, or loose, or 
movable. It is, furthermore, acuminated, fun- 
nel-shaped, heart-shaped, short, elongated, with 
a tnmcated or pointed top. 

The dress in all its. particulars — namely, the 
Frock, in which is to be observed the quality 
and the colour of the stufi*, and whether it is 
wide or close. The Scapular — ^Wide, close, 
hanging, girded up ; with a round border be- 

* Translator's Note. — The ichthyophage is also graminivo- 
rous, but not vice versa. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 43 



low ; broad-tailed. Collar — Sown to the frock ; 
stiff, broad ; none. Shield^ or Appendix to the 
Cowl — Pectoral or dorsal, and its various shapes. 
Sleeve — ^Equal, angulated, wide, pouchy. Chah 
— Long, short, with folds, straight. Internal 
Teguments — Shirt, waistcoat, &c. Girdle; or 
Sa^h — ^Broad, round; leathern, woollen, hem- 
pen; knotty, &c. 

Furthermore, it is necessary to observe : The 
Voice^ or Scream, whether it is melodious or 
harsh, whether singing or drawling, guttural or 
nasal, clamorous or mumbling, moaning or 
merry, grunting or barking, &c. &c. Gait — 
Slow-paced, quick, sluggish, stiff. Demeanour 
— ^Austere or sensual, boorish or graceful, 
grave or gay, modest or hypocritical, &c. &c. 
Habits, occupation, time of screaming, of- si- 
lence, of probation, &c. ; Meat and drinh, smell, 
dwelling-place or habitat, transmutations, hybrid 
species, as, for instance, the northern Servite ; 
varieties under different climates. To all this 
must be added, the history of every species, of 
its origin and destruction, a^s well a^ the differ- 
ence of sexes. 



U MONACHOLOGIA. 



TERMINOLOGY OF MONKERY, AND EXPLANATION OF 

FIGURES. 



Fig. 1. Hairy head, with a shaven spot on the top. 
Fig. 2. Bristly head, furrowed with a. linear crown. 
Fig. 3. Shaven head, with a circular crop of hair. 
Fig. 4. Shaven head, with a hairy continuous crown. 
Fig. 5. ShavQn head, with a hairy broken crown. 
Fig. 6. The veil of a she monk or nun. 
Fig. 7. A veil covering the face. 
Fig. 8. Versatile cowL 

a. Versatile cowl, protracted to the right side. 

b. The same, with a sinuated border, a crooked 

back. 

c. A cowl with a truncated top, as seen from 

behind. 
Fig. 9. A loose cowL 

a. A loose cowl of the broader kind. 

b. A loose cowl of the shorter kind. 

c. A loose cowl of the cloak, absorbing a similar 

cowl of the gown. 
Fig. 10. A cowl, short, stiff, and scaly. 
Fig. 11. Movable cowl in the shape of a heart 

a. Hanging down. 

b. Covering the head. 
Fig. 1 2. Movable funnel-shaped cowL 

a. Covering the head. 
6. Hanging down. 
Fig. 13. Pectoral shield or breastplata 



2fl 



31 




I 



32 





51 





35 





30 




34 





36 





57 



^^^ ^ 



8chflu± L*]eTadac Li.tk*Uiif 



MONACHOLOGIA. 45 



Fig. 14. 3^<;k shield or plate, of an angulated shapa 

Fig. 15. Back shield or plate, cuspidated. 

Fig. 16. Movable acuminated cowL 

Fig. 17. Tongue-shaped back shield or plate. 

Fig. 18. Straight, broad sleeve. 

Fig. 19. Short sleeve, turned up. 

Fig. 20. Angulated sleeve. 

Fig. 21. Wide sleeve. 

Fig. 22. Bag-shaped sleeve. 

Fig. 23. Pouchy sleeve. 

Fig. 24. Narrow scapular. 

Fig. 25. Broad scapular. 

Fig. 26. Obtuse scapular. 

Fig. 27. Marked scapular. 

Fig. 28. Broad-tailed scapular. 

a. Anterior. 

6. Posterior. 
Fig. '29. Round girdle, or a hempen rope with three knots. 
Fig. 30. Round girdle, or hempen rope with five knots. 
Fig. 31. Leathern girdle or sash. 
Fig. 32. Woollen girdle or sash. 
Fig. 33. A shoe of the shod feet. 
Fig. 34. A sandal of the half-shod feet 
Fig. 35. Leathern slipper. 
Fig. 36. Wooden slipper. 
Fig. 37. Wooden sole. 



46 MONACHOLOGIA. 



DESCRIPTION OF THE THE VARIOUS SPECIES OP THE 

GENUS MONK. 

1. Benedictine Monk, — Mondchus Benedic- 
tinusj Linn. 

Outward Characters. — ^Beardless, head shorn, 
bristly, furrowed with a linear crown (Jig. 2) ; * 
feet shod; a black woollen garment covering 
the whole body ; cowl loose, oblong, wide (Jig. 
9); scapular hanging down, of the breadth of 
the stomach {fig. 25) ; collar white, stiff, emar- 
ginated; sash or girdle broad, woollen, or of 
strong silk {fig. 32) ; cloak black, reaching to 
the heels ; internal teguments generally black ; 
shirt with sleeves straight {fig. 18). 

Demeanour^ graceful; gait^ slow; head less 
hanging down than is usual with monks. 

Habits. — Screams three or four times ip the 
day, and sometimes at midnight, about the first 
crowing of the cock, with a deep, protracted 
voice; after which he usually indues a gown 

* "The numbers refer to the figures of the terminology. 



*^#y^"' 




MONAxaas mmmtwm'i 



MONACHOLOGIA. 47 



full of small folds, and covers his head with a 
small quadrangular cap called a hirt. 

Omnivorous, rarely fasts ; generally becomes 
thirsty about four in the afternoon, when his 
flock is usually called to drink. 

He is greatly afflicted by that disease which 
was known to the ancients under the name of 
auri sacra fames * It is in consequence of this 
dreadful malady that the animal which we are 
now describing (^.e., Monaclius BenedictinuSj 
Linn.), hoards in its coffers money with the 
same care and neatness as the squirrel {Sciurus 
vulgaris, Linn.) is wont to make his provision 
of nuts for the winter ; with this difference, that 
the last-named animal {i.e., the squirrel) pro- 
vides in this manner the indispensable means 
for his subsistence during the winter, whilst the 
first named of them {i.e., Monachus Benedic- 
tinus) hoards money for the sole pleasure of 

* Translator's Note. — It is a kind of yellow fever, which 
commits great havoc in our own times, and is very severe in this 
country, where it kills and drives into madness many people, parti- 
cularly during those dreadful visitations when it rages with a re- 
doubled violence. One of these visitations, which unfortunately, 
like the cholera morbus, begin to be periodical in our country, oc- 
curred a few years ago, and is known under the appellation of the 
JRcdlway Mania. 



48 MONACHOLOGIA. 



hoarding, and often starves in looking on his 
treasure, just as is the case with men when 
they are attacked by the same disease. 

Some of this species of monks live a mere 
animal life, whilst others are or were occupied 
with studying and making books ; such parti- 
cularly were those who lived in France.* 

On going out from his lair, or, as it is usually 
called, convent, the Benedictine monk leaves 
off his cowl, and thus connects the uncowled 
priest with the cowled monk; which may be 
considered as an additional proof that nature 
never acts by bounds and leaps in its system of 
animal creation, but proceeds in an uninter- 
rupted gradation from the lowest to the highest 
organizations. On such occasions^ (^.e., going 
out), he covers his head with a tufted skullcap, 
and a kind of cocked hat. 

The female of this species, commonly called 

Benedictine nun, covers her head with a black 

• 

* Translator's Note. — This species of monk was in former 
times as industrious as bees ; and it is but just to state, that it has 
done much service to man, and I do not think that it ever did any 
harm. It must, therefore, be classed amongst the innocuous ani- 
mals, and which in former times could be reckoned amongst the 
very useful ones. Its breed has, however, gradually degenerated^ 
and now I do not think that it would be worth its feed. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 49 



veil, lined with white, and wraps her whole 
body in a white loose garment. 

There is a very great number of varieties of 
this species, chiefly modified by the locality 
where they live. 

This species originated in Italy, during the 
eighth century of our era. 

Habitat — Hills with fine views, situated in 
the midst of a fertile country. 



c 



50 IMONACHOLOGIA. 



2. Dominican Monk. — Monachus Domini- 
canus^ Linn. 

Outward (JharacUrs. — Head shaven, with a 
hairy, broad, continuous croAvn {Jig. 4) ; feet 
shod ; gown white AvooUen, girded Avith a sash 
three inches broad; cowl versatile, sinuated 
toAvards the neck, \ai\i a crooked marghi, (as 
fig. 8, &), truncated at the top; appendix of 
the cowl or shield, pectoral (breast-plate) oval 
{fig. 13) ; dorsal (back-plate) acuminated {fi^g. 
14), with a longitudinal seam passing through 
both these shields; sleeves wide, turned up 
{fig. 19) ; collar white, but scarcely visible un- 
der a very fat chin, and round a very thick 
throat. Whenever he goes out into dayhght, 
he covers himself Avith a black cloak, having 
a coAvl as Avell as a breast and back-plate of 
the same colour, and by Avhich he covers the 
Avhite garment that he Avears underneath. In- 
ternal teguments, white and ample ; shirt-sleeves 
close, protruding from beloAA^ the Avide ones of 
the upper garment. 




MOKACHBS BttUSUkTO'i 



Demeanour^ hypocritical ; gait^ lascivious ; ex- 
pression of the countenance^ perfidious ; barks; or 
yells, at midniglit, with a harsh, discordant voice. 

The olfactory senses of this species are deve- 
loped in the most wonderful manner, so that it 
will smell at any distance wine and heresy. It 
is omnivorous, and always hungry. The young 
brood is occasionally tried by hunger, or what 
they call fasting. The older individuals of this 
species abandon every care and occupation, and 
only live for the sake of eating and drinking. 
They feed on succulent and savoury dishes; they 
indulge in a long sleep on soft beds ; and it is 
probably owing to the above-mentioned circum- 
stances that their digestive process has a great 
similarity with that of the useful domestic ani- 
mal, sus scrofa, Linn, (common hog), because 
the food digested by both these animals is alike 
rapidly changed into adipus^ vulgarly called fat 
or lard. A natural consequence of this remark- 
able circumstance is, that almost every indivi- 
dual belonging to this species is encumbered with 
an immense paunch belly. This pecuHarity of 
conformation is, however, by no means con- 
sidered as a deformity, but, on the contrary, it 



52 MONACHOLOGIA. 



is regarded, just as is said to be the case with the 
wen {goitre) in some mountainous countries, as 
a beauty, or, at all events, as a token of respec- 
tability; because it is an acknowledged fact, 
that the better an old individual of this species 
is bellied, the more he is respected by his own 
fellow-creatures, and even by the other species 
of his genus. 

This species is undoubtedly the most noxious 
and dangerous animal to the human race, as 
well as to common sense ; and one, the object 
of whose creation must remain as deep a mys- 
tery as that of the rattle-snake, the cobra di 
capello, the toad, and other venomous and 
hideous animals. It watches its prey from a 
great distance, and assisted by the other species 
of monks, who generally act as spies on such 
occasions, it will pursue the imfortunate object 
of its chase with alternate cunning and vio- 
lence, until it brings it to a burning pile, upon 
which it is usually destroyed amidst a crowd of 
monks belonging to all the varieties of their 
genus, who, surrounding the pile, and enjoying 
the agonies of their victim, express their joy 
and satisfaction at having thus stilled for a mo- 



MONACHOLOOIA. 53 



ment their unceasing blood-thirst, by emitting 
most horribly sounding howls and yells. The 
most savage of this species are considered those 
' individuals who are called general inquisitors^ 
and who, as is said, may kill a man simply by 
looking at him. The most dangerous breed of 
them, is that which is found in Spain, Portugal, 
and South America ; but those of our own coun- 
try (^.6., Austria), are by no means devoid of 
venom, and if they were once transferred into a 
warmer climate, they would become as bad as the 
.others. It is, indeed, a very great blessing that 
we have now got governments which are trying 
either to exterminate this venomous brood, or to 
render it innocuous by means of certain charms. 

The female of this species, vulgarly called 
Dominican nun, differs from the male only by 
a black veil, and more orderly manners. 

This species originated in Spain from a cer- 
tain Dominic, who was the first to destroy, with 
the authorization of the Pope, human beings by 
fire, and who engendered this species for preach- 
ing their opinions by means of fire and sword. 

The badge of this species is a mad dog, carry- 
ing in his teeth a burning torch. 



54 MOXACHOLOGIA. 



3. Camaldule Moiik. — Monachus Camaldit- 
lenshS', Linn. 

Outioard Characters. — Bearded; the beard, 
flowing doAvn the chest; head shorn, bristly, 
furrowed with a linear erowii {fg. 2) ; feet shod, 
shoes with a wooden sole; gown white, made of 
coarse woollen cloth, descending to the feet; 
(*owl round and loose {jig. 9); sleeves straight 
and wide {Jig. 18) ; scapular of the same length 
as the gown, girded with a white sash made of 
cloth ; collar narrow, and sown to the gown ; 
cloak white, ample, covering the whole body to 
the feet; shirt woollen, sometimes Avith a hair- 
cloth scraping the skin. 

Demeanour^ austere; gait^ grave; sings, as- 
sembled in flocks, seven times a-day, and at 
midnight, \A\h a guttural deep-toned and ex- 
ceedingly slow voice. Is silent at home. Oc- 
cupied with contemplation, as people say. Ve- 
getates in idleness ; goes out very rarely. 

Lives upon fish, eggs, vegetables; quenches 
his thirst with mne. 




MONACHHS SKSffiSSBSS, 



MONACHOLOGIA. 55 



Whenever he goes out, he leaves at home his 
wooden shoes and takes leathern ones. 

The lay brothers are girded with a leathern 
strap. 

The female differs from the male only by a 
veiled head. 

Habitat— ^Yooded hills. 



4. Franciscan Monk. — Monachus Francis- 
canus^ Linn. 

Outward Characters. — Beardless ; head 
shaven, with a hairy continuous crown {jig. 4) ; 
feet half shod; gown of coarse brown cloth; 
cowl movable, heart-shaped, short {jig. 11), with 
an appendix or breast-plate oval {jig. 13), and 
a back-plate triangular {jig. 14), hanging down 
below the white rope, with three knots with 
which the belly is twice girded ; sleeves straight, 
and sufficiently wide to hide the hands in them 
{jig. 18) ; scapular none ; cloak short, of a 
brown colour, and fastened on the chest with a 
button of bone ; a woollen shirt, sharply rub- 
bing the skin. 

Demeanour^ boorish ; gaity measured ; gown 
full of pockets, in which he keeps the victuals 
which he collects by begging, snuff, rosaries, 
&c. Emits an offensive smell; despises gold and 
silver, and cares only about his belly, which he 
fills twice a-day, either with meat or fish ; dur- 
ing the time intervening between the meals, he 




MOIA.mS 11{«^S.".^\'S. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 57 



chews the cud in idleness. He always offers 
snufF from his box to those whom he asks for 
alms. He possesses a most wonderful art of 
transmuting little images, square bits of paper, 
amulets, and other similar trifles, into wine and 
meat. 

He sings several times during the day and 
night, with a loud, clamorous voice. 

The female differs in appearance from the 
male only by the black veil with which she 
covers her head. 

The varieties and subvarieties of this species 
are innumerable. 

Habitat — Towns and villages. 

Tliis species is everlasting, if we may believe 
its father, Franciscus, who, imagining himself to 
be inspired, declared that mankind would sooner 
perish than this species of Monkery, because the 
whole economy of nature would be destroyed 
if a worm forming a link in the chain with 
which all creatures are bound together were 
broken. 

The annals of this species relate, that the 

first companion of its progenitor, Franciscus, 

was a pig, because when he was once meditat- 

c 2 






oS MONACHOLOGIA. 



ing about the means he should employ to per- 
suade the Pope, Innocent III., to approve of his 
manner of living, he saw a pig weltering in the 
mud. He immediately followed this example, 
and presented himself to the Pope in the state 
wliich was the consequence of this process ; and 
the Pope, moved by such an extraordinary in- 
stance of piety, granted his request. This hap- 
pened about the begmning of the tliirteenth 
century of our era.* 

* Translatok's Note. — I think that tho author has not done 
justice to this species of Monkery, for it has on many occasions dis- 
played instincts more akin to Humanity than to Monkery. There 
are, indeed, instances where the species in question has saved from 
destruction human beings, who would have been otherwise torn to 
pieces and devoured by some other species of the same genus. I 
have happened to meet some individuals of the Franciscan species 
quite innocuous, good-natured, and amusing ; so tliat, if they only 
were trained to more cleanly habits, they might be treated like 
human beings without any danger. 




JfONACHDS CKMtlSQS 



MONACHOLOGIA. 59 



5. Capucliin Monk. — Monachus Capucimis^ 
Linn. 

Outward Characters. — A large and bushy 
beard ; bead shaven, with a hairy crown, broken ' 
on the forehead {Jig. 5) ; feet half-shod ; gown 
of a coarse brown cloth, patched over and over 
Avith pieces of old cloth of the same kind as th(» 
gown, and with two large folds on the belly ; 
cowl movable, oblong, acuminated, towards the \ 
top ending in a funnel shape (^g. 12) ; sleeves 
straight and wide {Jig. 18), covering two hairy 
arms ; scapular, none ; girded with a white, 
three-knotted rope (Jig. 29) ; cloak, short and 
Avide ; internal teguments, none. 

Demeanour^ abject ; gait^ sluggish ; comiten- 

i 

ance crabbed, very like something between ; 
a satyr and a monkey; smells like a goat; 
keeps all that he gets in his cowl and in 
small pouches under the arm-pits ; has a very 
flexible back, and prostrates himself on th(^ 
ground at a sign from his superior; never 
touches gold or silver ; and is continually en- 



! 

« 

i 



gaged in hunting certain little animals wliieh 
greatly molest his body, but which he never 
kills, considering them of his own kindred on 
account of the many points of similarity which 
exist between them, but which to describe here 
would exceed the limits of a Hand-book. How- 
ever angry a Capuchin may be, his rage will 
immediately subside when he is shaken by the 
beard, because all his affections are centered in 
this appendage of his chin, which he tends and 
preserves with the utmost care. He yells at 
certain fixed hours of the day and night with a 
nasal, discordant voice. Eats and drinks all 
that he can get; is silent the most part of the 
time, but has hardly any thought; whenever 
he gets hungry, he leaves his lair and goes out 
to beg his food; sleeps on a heap of straw. 

The female of this species wears a black upper 
and a white lower veil, and covers her body with 
a white wrapper. 

The younger generation of this species is sub- 
mitted to a yearly probation, during which time 
they are obliged to carry wood for fuel, to clean 
kitchen utensils, to sweep, to scrub, to kneel, to 
lick the ground with their tongues. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 61 



Hahitat — Towns and villages. 

Origin. — This species is a descendant of 
Franciscus, and may be considered as a variety 
of the species described in No. 4. This variety 
was produced from the pure Franciscan breed 
by a certain Matthias Bassi.* 

* Translator's Note — This circumstance, I think, may be con- 
sidered as an additional proof of the correctness of the theory, 
about the transmutation of the various living beings and plants 
from one specie into another, which has been so triumphantly esta- 
blished by the author of Vestiges of tJie Natural History of Creation, 



G2 MONAriTOLOGTA. 



6. Austin Friar, or Augustine Barefooted 
Monk. — Monaclius Anqiistinus DlscalceaticSj 
Linn. 

OuUranl Chiracters. — Beardless; head sha- 
ven, Avith a hairy continuous crown (Jig. 4), co- 
vered with a small black round hat, having 
iive compartments; neck bare; feet half-shod; 
gown of black cloth, sufficiently wide, girded 
on the loins wdth a black sash, the ends of 
which liang to below the knees; cowl movable, 
short (Ji(/. 11); breast-plate, oval (j%. 13); 
back-plato, angulated (Jig. 14) ; sleeves straight, 
turned up (Jig. 19); cloak, black, reaching to the 
haunches; internal teguments, woollen. 

Demeanour^ imbecile; expression of the coun- 
tenance^ crapulous and idiotic; gait^ reeling; 
sings several times in the day and at midnight 
with a deep melodious voice; spends his time 
in idleness and crapulence. 

Omnivorous; though -afflicted w^ith an un- 
quenchable thirst, he suffers at the same time 
from hydrophobia, and cannot bear water; this 



MONACHOLOGIA, 63 



proves, that in seeking to quench with wine the 
thirst by which he is tormented, he only in- 
creases it; overpowered with wine, he dreams 
of wine; when the vines begin to bud, he mer- 
rily sings. 

Hahitat'--'Towi\B and villages near forests. 

Females rarely known. 

.This species originated in Portugal during 
the sixteenth century. 



64 MONACIIOLOGTA. 



7. Carmelite Monk, Shod. — Monachus Car- 
melita^ Calcecitits^ Liim. 

Outward Characters. — ^Beardless; head sha- 
ven, with a hairy continuous crown (Jig. 4) ; feet 
shod ; gowm of brown cloth ; cowl, loose and wide 
(Jig. 9, a) ; breast-plate, oval (Jig. 13) ; back- 
plate, triangular, descending ver}^ low^ ; collar of 
brown cloth ; sleeves, straight and wide (Jig. 18); 
sash, black, fastened below the breast-plate; 
cloak, white, woollen, of the same length as the 
gown, with a low cowl, a breast and back-plate 
all of the same colour, and covering the gown 
with all its appendages ; a linen shirt ; and a 
waistcoat of cloth. 

Demeanour J sturdy ; countenance, fresh and 
healthy ; front, impudent ; shoulders, powerful ; 
gait, stiff. 

Omnivorous ; yells in the day and night with 
a harsh voice. 

Puirnacious and libidinous ; is fond of braw^ls 
and quarrels, and always ready to fight with 
individuals of his own species, or with any one ; 




MONACHDS CASMHI!\ 'iMSKSS. 



MONACHOLOGIA. 65 



it is very dangerous indeed to meet him when 
he is angry. He is, moreover, a no less zealous 
worshipper of Venus than of Mars. 

Habitat — Towns. 

This species claims its origin from Mount 
Carmel, and boasts to be descendants of the 
prophets Elias and Elisha. It is, however, 
quite certain that it has not inherited any vir- 
tues from its two pretended progenitors. 



66 MONACHOLOGIA. 



8. Carmelite Monk, Barefooted. — Moiiachiis 
CarmeUta, Discalceatiis, Linn. 

Outioard Cfliaracters. — ^Beardless ; head sha- 
ven, with a hairy continuous crown {fig. 4) ; 
feet half-shod; gown of brown cloth, girded 
with a black sash under a narrow scapular 
{fig. 24), shorter than the gown; cowl, loose, 
wide, sinuated, with an oval breast-plate and 
acuminated back-plate ; sleeves, straight, turned 
up ; cloak of white cloth, reaching to the knees, 
with a versatile cowl, oval breast-plate, and 
triangular back-plate ; shirt, and other internal 
teguments, woollen. 

Demeanour J modest enough ; gait^ slow, as 
if he were counting his steps. 

Feeds on fish, eggs, the produce of the 
dairy, vegetables, and every kind of farinaceous 
food ; never eats flesh ; prefers beer to every 
other kind of beverage, but does not reject 
wine; when replenished with food he usually 
sleeps; sings at midnight with a deep mono- 
tonous voice. 




MOSACraS UaSSXlk ^\"Sv.^is:\SSS> 



MONACHOLOaiA. 67 



The female belongs equally to this as well as 
to the foregoing species ; her habits are better 
than those of the male. She veils her face as 
well as her head, and wears a cloak somewhat 
longer than that of the male. 

Some of this species live in towTis, whilst 
many others establish themselves for a timie* in 
a kind of hermitage. These hermits let their 
beards grow, and preserve them after having 
returned to the lair of their flock, or convent. 

It claims the same descent, and Avith as much 
justice, as the shod species, described in the 
preceding number, of which it is only a variety. 



68 MONACHOLOGIA. 



9. Servite Monk. — Monachis Servtta, Linn. 

Outward Characters. — ^Beardless in a mild 
climate ; bearded in northern countries, where 
he usually has a beard cloven or divided into 
two parts ; head shaven, vdth a hairy crown, 
broken on the forehead (Jig. 5) ; neck, bare ; 
feet, shod ; gOAvn of black cloth ; cowl, movable, 
heart-shaped (^g. 11), with an oval breast- 
plate, and a triangular back-plate fastened to 
it ; scapular broad, with an obtuse border (jfSgr. 
26) ; sleeves, straight, turned up ; black leather 
sash, with cords hanging on the left leg ; cloak 
of black cloth, reaching to the haunches ; a 
round hat, with an exceedingly broad brim. 

Demeanour and countenance^ those of a 
Jewish usurer ; gait^ sluggish. 

Omnivorous ; yells at night with a guttural, 
tremulous voice, in such a manner as to wake 
from their sleep the whole neighbourhood of 
his lair. 

Luxury and greediness seem to have fixed 
their abode in this species of Monkery, which 




UQ^MS?, ■SiWS.V 



MONACHOLOGIA. 69 



amasses money by usury, as well as by various 
other means, and keeps it with an extreme 
anxiety. Every Wednesday and Friday, in 
order to expiate the sins of greediness and lust 
which the individuals of this species commit on 
other days, they flog themselves severely with 
knotted whips. 

This species may be considered as bigamous, 
because it has two kinds of females. The one 
is called the free, the other the cloistered. The 
first kind differs from the male only by a 
veil. The second has a blue star on the fore- 
head, and a red spot on the left breast. Both 
kinds spend their time in idleness. 

Habitat — Towns. 

This species owes its origin to seven Italian 
merchants — hence its greediness and usurious 
propensities. Its first lair, or convent, was 
established in a suburb of Florence — hence its 
luxuriousness. 



**-- 



MONACHOLOGIA. 



10. Monk of La Trappe. — Monacliiis La 
Tr(fj)p!u^^ Linn. 

Oftticard Characters. — Beardless; head brist- 
ly, furrowod Avitli a linear crown (Jig. 2) ; feet, 
shod with wooden shoes; cowl, black, movable, 
acuminated, short; gown of white cloth; scapu- 
lar, black, narrow, bound with a black woollen 
girdle; sleeves, angulated (^g. 20); shirt, wool- 
len. 

Demeanour^ mournful ; gait^ slow, with ejes 
fixed on the ground, and looking as if immersed 
in meditation. He flees from men, and avoids 
even the companj^ of individuals belonging to 
his o^ni species. Always silent, but yells or 
groans several times during day and night with 
a feeble murmuring voice, and making some 
odd contortions with his body. 

Graminivorous ; he feeds on fruits, berries, 
vegetables, and roots. 

The herd of these- monks is generally di'iven 
together, either by a betrayed and mad love, or 
by the loss of every thing and a desppir of 




MOmCMS \.kTia\'i'i 



MONACHOLOGIA. 71 



recovering tliem, or by the disgust of life. An 
individual of this species is not afraid of any 
thing, for he considers death as the best thing 
which may happen to him. He spends his time 
in weeping and lamenting; he sleeps in a coffin; 
he maintains that hope is a folly ; whenever he 
is ill, no medicines are given to him; when he 
is dying, ashes are strewn upon him by his 
fellow-monks, who, standing round him, are 
envying his fate. His object being destruction, 
and not propagation, there are no females of 
this species. 

He is the only one of all the monks who 
works ; he ploughs and digs the soil, but the 
fruits of his labour are consumed by his supe- 
riors, who hve comfortably and eat well. Sic 
vos non vohis fertis aratra. 

They may be considered as grandchildren 
of Benedict {vide No. 1). Their origin dates 
from the second part of the seventeenth cen- 
tury, and their name is derived from a place 
called La Trappe, in France, where they ori- 
ginated. 






72 MONACHOLOGIA. 



11. Pauline Moiik. — Monaclius Paulinus^ 
Linn. 

Outward Cliaracters. — ^Beardless; head hairy, 
Avith a shaven spot on the top {Jig. 1) ; feet, 
shod; gOAvn, black, woollen, Avide; cowl, movable, 
triangular, scaly, stiff {Jig. 10), made of cloth 
double stitched, so that when this cowl is put 
on it makes the head look as if covered with 
mail; collar, black, bordered with white; sleeves, 
wide, turned up at the wrist, bag-shaped, and 
enormously large at the elbows {Jig. 22) ; sca- 
pular, large, broad-tailed {Jig. 28), reaching in 
the front to the knees, and going down still 
lower behind ; on both sides it is divided into 
two equal parts by a longitudinal seam, and 
intersected by transverse ones; sash, a black 
woollen rope, with five knots {Jig. 30). 

Demeanour and countenance^ producing a 
dismal impression ; gait^ sluggish and reeling ; 
emits a most offensive smell of rancid oil. 

Sings at midnight with a clamorous voice. 
Snores during the day, or spends it in idleness. 



MONACHOLOCilA. 73 



He never touclies meat, eggs, butter, cheese, 
or milk, but feeds on fisli and vegetables, whieli 
lie prepares with rancid oil. He also occasion- 
ally eats wild-ducks, sea-gulls, and other water- 
fowl, considering them as fish, as well as frogs, 
tortoises, snails, &c. He suffers from an un- 
quenchable thirst, as well as from very rebel- 
lious lusts. 

This species seems to be hermaphrodite, 
because a female has never yet been discovered. 

Habitat — Towns and villages. 

This species originated during the fifteenth 
century in Calabria, the native country of oil, 
and was produced by a certain Franciscus a 
Paula, the Pope, Alexander VI., having per- 
formed on this occasion the duties of midwife. 
This Franois is said to have been so much sa- 
turated with oil, that he could not be drowned. 
This fact is considered by his descendants as a 
miracle, though I don't see any thing wonder- 
ful in it, considering that oil always remains on 
the surface of the water. 



74 MOXACHOLOGIA. 



12. The Jesuit. — Moimchns Jesmta^ Linn. 

OnUcard Characters. — ^Beardless; head hairy, 
sliorn, with a shaven spot on the top {Jig. 1) ; 
feet shod ; gown like a common frock-coat, only 
very long, made of black cloth ; cloak of the 
same material and colour; cowl, none ; scapular, 
none ; internal teguments black, with the ex- 
ception of the shirt, which is white, and made 
of fine linen ; a black cap with three comers, or 
a broad-brimmed hat^ 

N.B. — This is the appearance of the Jesuit 
w^ien he is going about in his natural form. 
No other species of Monkery understands so 
w^ell as he does to assume the various shapes of 
Humanity ; and he practises this art so often, 
that in some countries, and particularly in 
this island, he is scarcely ever met mth in his 
natural form. 

Z)(?77z^a?i02fr, graceful ; gait^ slow, advancing 
with stealthy paces ; habits^ anthropomorphous, 
for he never yells or screams either in day time 
or at night ; omnivorous, but moderate in his 




MOSAfflB?, sm\ik 



MONACHOLOaiA. 75 



appetites, and not subject either to thirst or any 
other peculiar disease common to the various 
species of Monkery. 

Laziness, the common characteristic of the 
genus monk, is not that of this species, because 
the Jesuit is, if not the most industrious, at all 
events the most busy of all the bipeds, as he 
undoubtedly is the most sagacious of them, 
without even excepting the genus hoTnOj vul- 
garly called man. 

A peculiar characteristic of this species, and 
which makes it so formidable, is the extraordi- 
nary greediness of power and money which 
animates every individual belonging to it, not 
for himself, but for the advantage of his whole 
species. It is, indeed, principally owing to this 
peculiarity of his disposition that the Jesuit 
gets over difficulties insurmountable to every 
other kind of biped, and that not unfrequently 
he succeeds in subduing his most strenuous 
opponents in such a manner as to convert them 
not only into his most abject slaves and tools, 
but even into individuals of his own species, so 
that they become Jesuits to all intents and 
purposes. It is well known that wild elephants. 



76 MONACHOLOGIA. 



being once caught and tamed by man, are 
employed for catching other elephants. The 
Jesuits understand admirably how to carry on 
the same kind of sport with human beings. It 
must be remarked, that of all the men whom 
they catch, they reserve for converting into indi- 
viduals of their own species the cleverest and 
the richest of their game, leaving the refuse 
to other species of Monkery, or keep them as 
their slaves in an uncowled state. 

No animal biped or quadruped has been so 
frequently described as this species. I shall, 
therefore, only mention that it originated in 
Spain during the sixteenth century. There were 
female Jesuits for a short time during the 
above-mentioned century; they, however, soon 
disappeared, and the species contrives to exist 
by catching human beings and converting them 
into Jesuits in the manner described above. 

This species was abolished in Western Europe 
about eighty years ago, but it was preserved in 
Russia by the Empress Catherine II., who is 
well known for her many strange fancies. They 
were recalled into existence by Pope Pius VII., 
at whose voice they emerged from their secret 



MONACHOLOGIA. 77 



holes into liglit, and, casting away their various 
disguises, appeared in their natural shape ; so 
that in a short time the whole of Western 
Europe began to swarm with them. They were 
expelled from Russia in 1820, and they dare 
not appear there in their natural shape. 

When the present work was composed, they 
did not exist either in Austria or any other 
part of Western Europe, The Austrian natur- 
alist, considering them on that account an ex- 
tinct species, made no mention of them in this 
work. This task has therefore devolved upon 
the translator. 



EDINBURGH : 

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