Mr. Dooley's opinions

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STANFORD

UNIVERSITY

LIBRARIES

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1

MR. DOOLEY'S OPINIONS

t)u»vKi^ ,f x^\€i. y'o.ky

MR. DOOLEY'S
OPINIONS

NEW YORK

R. H. RUSSELL, PUBLISHER

1961

jm:

083

j

Copyright^ igoo-igoi^ ly \

Robert Howard Russell

All rights rtttrvtd j

Bntered at the Library of ConfreM, Washington, D.C., U.S.i
Batered at Stationers* Hall, London, Bnflaad

PrimUd im the United States

CONTENTS

Page

Christian Science 3

Life at Newport 13

The Supreme Court's Decisions 21

Disqualifying the Enemy 29

Amateur Ambassadors 37

The City as a Summer Resort 45

An Editor's Duties 55

On the Poet's Fate 63

The Yacht Races 71

On Athletics 79

On Lying 87

Discusses Party Poutics 93

The Truth about Schley 10 1

Fame 109

Cross-Examinations 117

Thanksgiving 125

V

Contents

Page

On the Midway 133

Mr. Carnegie's Gift 145

The Crusade against Vice 153

The New York Custom House 161

Some Political Observations 171

Youth and Age 181

On Wall Street 189

Colleges and Degrees 199

The Booker Washington Incident .... 207

vi

Mr, Doolefs Opinions

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE

Mr. Dooley^s Opinions

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE

''W THAT 'S Christyan Science ? " asked Mr.
^^%/ Hennessy.

" 'T is wan way iv gettin' th* money," said
Mr. Dooley.

" But what 's it like ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

" Well," said Mr. Dooley, " ye have somethin' th' mat-
ther with ye. Ye have a leg cut off."

" Th' Lord save us ! " exclaimed Mr. Hennessy.

" That is, ye think ye have," Mr. Dooley went on. " Ye
think ye have a leg cut off. Ye see it goin* an' says ye to
ye'ersilf : * More expinse. A wooden leg.' Ye think ye
have lost it. But ye 're wrong. Ye 're as well as iver ye
was. Both legs is attached to ye, on'y ye don't know it.
Ye call up a Christyan Scientist, or ye'er wife does. Not
manny men is Christyan Scientists, but near all women is,
in wan way or another. Ye'er wife calls up a Christyan
Scientist, an' says she : ^ Me husband thinks he 's lost a
I^,' she says. ' Nonsense,' says th' Christyan Scientist,
she says, f r she 's a woman too. * Nonsense,' says she.

3

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

'No wan iver lost a leg/ she says. * Well, 'tis sthrange,'
says th' wife. 'He's mislaid it, thin,' she says, 'fr he
has n't got it,' she says. ' He on'y thinks he's lost it,' says
th' Christyan Scientist. ' Lave him think it on again,' she
says. 'Lave him rayraimber,' she says, 'they'se no such
thing in th' wurruld,' she says, ' as pain an' injuiy,' she
says. ' Lave him to put his mind hard to it,' she says,
' an' I '11 put mine,' she says, ' an* we '11 all put our minds
to it, an' 't will be all r-right,' she says. So she thinks an'
th' wife thinks an' ye think th' best ye know how, an'
afther awhile a leg comes peepin' out with a complete set
iv tootsies, an' be th' time th' las' thought is expinded, ye
have a set iv as well-matched gambs as ye iver wore to a
picnic. But ye must n't stop thinkin' or ye'er wife or th'
Christyan Scientist. If wan iv ye laves go th' rope, th'
leg '11 get discouraged an' quit growin'. Manny a man 's
sprouted a limb on'y to have it stop between th' ankle an'
th' shin because th' Christyan Scientist was called away to
see what ailed th' baby."

" Sure, 't is all foolishness," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Well, sir, who can tell?" said Mr. Dooley. "If it
wasn't f'r medical pro-gress, I'd be sure th' Christyan
Scientists was wrong. But th' doctor who attinded me
whin I was young 'd be thought as loonatical if he was
alive to-day as th' mos' Christyan Scientist that iver ray-
jooced a swellin' over a long-distance tillyphone. He

4

Christian Science

inthrajooced near th' whole parish into this life iv sin
an' sorrow^ he give us calomel with a shovel^ bled us
like a poUs captain^ an' niver thought anny medicine was
good if it didn't choke ye goin' down. I can see him
now as he come up dhrivin' an ol' gray an' yellow horse
in a buggy. He had whiskers that he cud tie in a knot
round his waist, an' him an' th' priest was th' on'y two
men in th' neighborhood that carried a goold watch. He
used to say 't was th' healthiest parish in th' wurruld,
barrin' hangin's an' thransportations, an' thim come in
Father Hickey's province. Ivrybody thought he was a
gr-reat man, but they wudden't lave him threat a spavin
in these days. He was catch-as-catch-can, an' he 'd tackle
annythin' fr'm pnoomony iv th' lungs to premachure bald-
ness. He 'd niver heerd iv mickrobes an' nayther did I
till a few years ago, whin I was tol' they was a kind iv
animals or bugs that cmwled around in ye like spiders.
I see pitchers iv thim in th' pa-apers with eyes like pooched
eggs till I dhreamed wan night I was a hayloft full iv bats.
Thin th' dock down th' sthreet set me r-right. He says th'
mickrobes is a vigitable, an' ivry man is like a conservar
tory full iv millyons iv these potted plants. Some ar-re
good f r ye, an' some ar-re bad. Whin th' chube roses an'
geranyums is flourishin' an' liftin' their dainty petals to th'
sun, ye 're healthy, but whin th' other flower gets th* best
iv these nosegays, 'tis time to call in a doctor. Th' doctor

5

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

is a kind iv gardner fr ye. 'Tis his business fr to en-
courage til' good mickrobes, makin' two pansies grow
where wan grew before, an' to hoe out th' Canajeen thistle
an' th' milkweed.

" Well, that sounds all r-right, an* I sind f r a doctor.
' Dock,' says I, * me vilets ar-re thinnin' out, an' I feel as
though I was foil iv sage brush,' I say. Th' dock puts a
glass chube in me mouth an' says, * Don't bite it.' * D* ye
think I *m a glass eater ? ' says I, talkin' through me teeth
like a Kerry lawyer. ' What's it f r ? ' I says. * To take
ye'er timprachoor,' says he. While I have th' chube in me
mouth, he jabs me thumb with a needle an' laves th' room.
He comes back about th' time I 'm r-ready to sthrangle an'
removes th* chube. ' How high does she spout ? ' says I.
' Ninety-nine,' says he. ' Good hivens ! * says I. ' Don't
come near me, dock, or ye'U be sun sthruck,' I says. ^ I 've
just examined ye'er blood,' he says. ' Ye 're foil iv weeds/
he says. Be that time I 'm scared to death, an' I say a
few prayers, whin he fixes a hose to me chest an' begins
listenin*. 'Annythin' goin' on inside?' says I. *'Tis
ye'er heart,* says he. 'Glory be I' says I. 'What's th'
matther with that ol* ingine ? ' says I. ' I cud tell ye,'
he says, *but I'll have to call in Dock Vinthricle, th'
specyalist,' he says. * I ought n't be lookin' at ye'er heart
at all,' he says. ' I niver larned below th' chin, an' I 'd be
fired be th' Union if they knew I was wurrukin' on th'

6

Christian Science

heart/ he says. So he sinds f r Dock Vinthricle, an' th'
dock climbs me chest an' listens, an' thin he says : ' They'se
soraethin' th' matther with his lungs too/ he says. * At
times they *re full iv air, an' again/ he says, ' they ain't/ he
says. *Sind fr Bellows/ he says. Bellows comes an'
pounds me as though I was a roof he was shingliu',
an' sinds f r Dock Laporatteny. Th' dock sticks his
finger into me side. ' What 's that f r ? ' says I. ' That 's
McBumey's point," he says. 'I don't see it,' says I.
^ McBurney must have had a fine sinse iv humor.' ' Did
it hurt ? ' says he. ' Not/ says I, * as much as though ye *d
used an awl/ says I, ' or a chisel/ I says ; ' but/ I says, ' it
did n't tickle/ I says.

** He shakes his head an' goes out iv th' room with th'
others, an' they talk it over at tin dollars a minyit while
I'm layin' there at two dollars a day — docked. Whin
they come back, wan iv thim says : ' This here is a mos*
inthrestin' case, an' we must have th' whole class take a
look into it/ he says. ' It ' means me, Hinnissy. ' Dock/
he says. ' Ye will remove its brain. Vinthricle, ye will
have its heart, an', Bellows, ye will take its lungs. As
f r me/ he says, ' I will add wan more vermiform appindix
to me belt/ he says. ' 'T is sthrange how our foolish pre-
decessors/ says he, 'niver got on to th' dangers iv th'
vermiform appindix,' he says. 'I have no doubt that
that's what kilt Methusalem,' he says. So they mark

7

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

out their wurruk on me with a piece iv red chalk, an'
if I get well I look like a rag carpet. Sometimes they
lave things in ye, Hinnissy. I knowed a man wanst, Mori-
arty was his name, Tim Moriarty, an' he had to be hem-
stitched hurridly because they was goin' to be a ball game
that day, an' they locked up in him two sponges, a saw, an
ice-pick, a goold watch, an' a pair iv curlin' irons belongin'
to wan iv th' nurses. He tol' me he did n't feel well but
he didn't think annythin' iv it till he noticed that he
jingled whin he walked.

"That's what they do with ye nowadays, Hinnissy.
Ivry time I go into Dock Cassidy's office, he gives me a
look that makes me wisht I 'd wore a suit iv chain armor.
His eyes seem to say, * Can I come in ? ' Between th'
Christyan Scientists an' him, 't is a question iv whether ye
want to be threated like a loonytic or like a can iv pre-
sarved vigitables. Father Kelly says th' styles iv medi-
cine changes like th' styles iv hats. Whin he was a boy,
they give ye quinine f r whativer ailed ye, an' now they
give ye sthrychnine, an' nex' year they '11 be givin' ye proo-
sic acid, maybe. He says they're findin' new things th'
matther with ye ivry day, an' ol' things that have to be
taken out, ontil the time is comin' whin not more thin
half iv us '11 be rale, an' th' rest '11 be rubber. He says
they ought to enforce th' law iv assault with a deadly
weepin again th' doctors. He says that if they knew less

8

Christian Science

about pizen an' more about gruel, an' opened fewer patients
an' more windows, they'd not be so manny Christyan
Scientists. He says th' difference between Christyan Scien-
tists an' doctors is that Christyan Scientists think they'se
no such thing as disease, an' doctors think there ain't anny-
thin' else. An' there ye ar-re."

*' What d'ye think about it ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "that if th' Christyan
Scientists had some science an' th' doctors more Christ-
yanity, it wudden't make anny diff'rence which ye called
in — if ye had a good nurse."

9

LIFE AT NEWPORT

11

LIFE AT NEWPORT

" ^^ REAT goin's on at Newport," said Mr. Dooley.

■ — « What 8 Newport ? " said Mr. Hennessy.

^^"^ " I r-read about it ivry day in th' pa-aper/' said
Mr. Dooley; "an* I know. 'Tis th' socyal capital iv
America this here pa-aper says. 'Tis like Wash'nton,
on'y it costs more. 'Tis where th' socyal ligislachure
meets wanst a year an' decides how long we '11 wear our
coats this season an' how often, an' how our yachts '11
be cut an' our frinds. Tis there th' millyionaire meets
his wife that was an' inthrajooces her to his wife that is to
be if she can break away fr'm her husband that ought n't
to 've been.

" Yes, sir, it must be th' gran* place. But 't is no aisy
thing liviu' there; In th' first place, ye must have th'
money an' ye must have th' look iv havin' it, an' ye must
look as though it belonged to ye. That last 's th' hardest
thing iv all. No matther how much coin a man has if it
has n't been siparated fr'm th' man that arned it so long
that th' man that has it can go ar-round without th' fear
iv a mechanic's lien in his eye, they tear up his ticket at
th box-office. Not f r him th' patent midicine dance

13

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

where tli' nobility goes as little liver pills^ not fr him
th* vigitable party where th' signs iv aristocrasy appears
radyantly clad as onions an' egg-plants, not fr him th'
jolt fr'm Mrs. Bilcoort or th' quick left fr'm Mrs. Ras-
ther. He 's set back to about Cooney Island, an*^ there he
stays till his money stops baggin' at th' knees an' climbin'
up over th' collar.

" But 't is th' millyionaire's dhream to land there. He
starts in as foreman in a can facthry. By an' by, he larns
that wan iv th' men wurrukin' f r hhn has invinted a top
that ye can opin with a pair iv scissors, an' he throws him
down an' takes it away fr'm him. He 's a robber, says ye ?
He is while he 's got th' other man down. But whin he
gets up, he 's a magnate. Thin he sells out his wurruks to
a thrust, an' thin he sells out th' thrust to th' thrustful, an'
thin he begins his weary march to Newport. First he has
a house on Mitchigan Avnoo with ir'n dogs on th' lawn.
Then he builds a palachial mansion at Oconomowoc.
They're beginniu' to hear about him now. Thin he moves
down to th' sea-shore an* roughs it with th' Purytans, an'
fin'Uy he lands. 'T is a summer's mornin' as his yacht
steams slowly up to Newport. Th' aged millyionaire is
propped up on th' deck, an' as th' sunlight sthrikes th'
homes iv luxury an' alimony, a smile crosses his face. ' Is
that th' house iv Mrs. Rasther ? ' he says. ' It is,' says th'
weepin' fam'ly. ' An' is that where Mr. A. E. I. 0. U.

14

Life at Newport

an' sometimes W. an' Y. Belcoort lives an' has his bein' ? '
'That's th' house.' 'Thin/ he says, 'put me congress
gaiters undher th' bed an' hide me fine-cut where none
can see it,* he says. 'I die contint,' he says."

'' What do they do there? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

" Well, *t is hard f r me to make out," said Mr. Dooley.
'* They must have their own throubles. Ivry day I r-read
in th' pa-aper iv a horrible catastrophe at Newport. Here
ye ar-re to-day. 'Misther Willie Hankerbilt met with
a mos' dhreadful an' provokin' accident to-day. While
dhrivin' his cillybrated gasoline, Booney-Mooney five hun-
dherd power autymobile. Purple Assassin, at a modhrate
rate iv wan hundherd miles an hour, accompanied be
th' beautiful Countess Eckstein (who was formerly Mrs.
Casey-Kelly, whose husband's marredge with her aunt
was cillybrated at Saint Gogo's-on-th*-hill las' week), he
was r-run into be wan Thomas Sullivan, a painther em-
ployed be Mrs. Reginald Steenevant, who is soon to
occupy th' handsome house, Dove Villa, which is part
iv th' settlement allowed her be th* Dakota coorts. Mr.
Hankerbilt was enable to turn aside to avoid th' col-
lision, an' it was on'y be a supreme effort that he kep'
fip'm bein' tipped over. He showed rare prisince iv mind,
on which he was congrathulated be th' whole colony.
Sullivan showed no prisince iv mind at all ayether before
or afther death. Manny iv th' cottagers ar-re talkin* iv

15

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

havin' a law passed compellin' pedesthreens to ring a bell
an' blow a hor-rn on their way to wurruk, otherwise
they won't be a whole tire left in Newport

"An' if it isn't bein' bumped into be pedesthreens^ it's
bein' almost upset in a yacht or bein' almost dhrowned
swimmin', or almost sufTycated at a garden party. An'
thin there ar-re burglars. There ar-re burglars that break
into ye'er house, an' there ar-rc burglars that creep up be-
hind ye an' give ye a wallop with a piece iv pipe an' steal
ye'er dinner nights. Ye heerd about poor Mrs. Rasther.
Well, sir, I almost cried. Ye see, whoiver it was med
Newport, whin he laid out th' spicifycations set aside two
days ivry week f r Mrs. Rasther's dinner. On thim days
Mrs. Rasther was to eat. I don't know what she done on
th' other days. But two dinners a week ain't much fr
even a lady an' light feeder, an' ye can imagine this poor
woman countin' th' days. ' Sundah, July eight, on'y two
days to victuals.' ' Mondah, July nine, twinty-four hours
to th' groceries.' 'Choosdah, haven't time to write me
di'ry.' ' Winsdah, in bed, docther thinks nawthin' seery*
ous.' Well, sir, wud ye believe it, ye won't, some on-
scrupylous persons, some shop-lifters, disgeesed as s'ciety
leaders, some criminals, took oflF their shoes an' crept in
an' hooked Mrs. Rasther's dinner nights. Stole thim, be
hivins. Lifted thim off th* line. I don't know how they
done it, but here it is in th' pa-aper: 'Newport much

16

Life at Newport

excited. Mrs. Rasther's diQDer uights stolen.' I hope
they'll get afther thim Red Learies iv Newport s'ciety
an' sintince thim, an' I hope th' polis'll raycover Mrs.
Basther's dinner nights an' she can identify th' goods.
What's it to be a s'ciety leader if ye can't eat. 'Tis an
impty honor, be hivins. They 'se nawthin' to it."

*' Well, why do they live there if it gives thim so much
trouble ? " said Mr. Hennessy.

" Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, ** I guess they ain't much
diff'rence between th' very rich an' th* very poor. In th'
ol' counthry whin a man got th' money, he used to buy an
estate an' thry to get as far away fr'm annywan else as he
cud, an' th' on'y time he see annywan was whin be wint
to Dublin f r horse show week an' sold all his spavined
horses to th' hated Sassenach, an' come back an' sobered
up. But here 't is diflCrent Rich or poor, we want to be
in sight an* sound iv neighbors or they 'se no fun in life.
What made Mrs. Mulligan rayfuse las' year to go to live
on th' tin acres her rich brother, th' plumber, offered her rint
free? She needed comp'ny. She wanted to be where she
cud get th' smell iv th' neighbors' cookin' an' brush th*
clothes line aside an' talk acrost th' alley with Mrs.
Schmittschmitt an' see rollickin' Terry Dufly go by on
his autymobile ringin' up fares. So it is with th' niill-
yionaire. He 's got to have some wan to set on th' stoop
iv his yacht with him chattin' about matthers iv th' Union,
3 17

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

while his wife has th' s'ciety iv other millyionaires' wives
an' can give little Reggy or Clarissa eight dollars an' sind
thim down to th' corner f r a pail iv champagne. As more
millyionaires comes up, th' place '11 be more an' more
crowded. It'll be a conjisted disthrict, an' we'll r-read
in th' pa-apers iv a millyionaire an' fara'ly iv eight livin'
in wan room with on'y about two-be-four iv oxygen fr
each person. No, sir, they ain't th' breadth iv ye'er hand's
diflF'rence between Mrs. Mulligan an' Mrs. Ganderbilk. , If
Tim Mulligan iver shovels his way into a thrust, Mrs. Mul-
ligan 'd live at Newport, an' if Ganderbilk wint broke,
Mrs. Ganderbilk wud be in a tiniment. 'Tis th' socyal
feelin', Hinnissy."

" We 're all alike," said Mr. Hennessy.

" They ain't more thin three or four hundherd millyion
dollars diff'rence between us," said Mr. Dooley.

18

THE SUPREME COURTS
DECISIONS

19

THE SUPREME COURTS
DECISIONS

" T SEE," said Mr. Dooley, "Th' supreme coort has
I decided th' constitution don't follow th' flag."
^ '' Who said it did ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.
" Some wan," said Mr. Dooley. " It happened a long
time ago an' I don't raymimber clearly how it come up, but
some fellow said that ivrywhere th' constitution wint, th'
flag was sure to go. * I don't believe wan wurrud iv it/
says th' other fellow. * Ye can't make me think th' con-
stitution is goin' thrapezin' around ivrywhere a young
liftnant in th' ar-rray takes it into his bead to stick a flag
pole. It 's too old. It's a home-stayin' constitution with
a blue coat with brass buttons onto it, an' it walks with a
goold-headed cane. It 's old an* it *s feeble an' it prefers
to set on th' front stoop an' amuse th' childher. It
wudden't last a minyit in thim thropical climes. T wud
get a pain in th' fourteenth araindmint an' die befure th'
doctors cud get ar-round to cut it out. No, sir, we'll
keep it with us, an' threat it tenderly without too much

21

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

hard wurruk, an' whin it plays out entirely we '11 give it
daciut buryal an' incorp'rate oursilves under th' laws iv
Noo Jarsey. That's what we'll do,' says he. 'But/
says th' other, ' if it wants to thravel, why not lave it ? '
* But it don't want to.' ' I say it does.' ' How '11 we
find out ? ' * We '11 ask th' supreme coort. They '11 know
what's good frit.'"

"So it wint up to th' supreme coort. They'se wan
thing about th' supreme coort, if ye lave annything to
thim, ye lave it to thim. Ye don't get a check that
entitles ye to call f r it in an hour. The supreme coort iv
th' United States ain't in anny hurry about catchin' th'
mails. It don't have to make th' las' car. I 'd back th'
Aujitoroom again it anny day f r a foot race. If ye're
lookin' f r a game iv quick decisions an' base hits, ye 've
got to hire another empire. It niver gives a decision till
th' crowd has dispersed an' th' players have packed their
bats in th' bags an' started f r home.

** F'r awhile ivrybody watched to see what th' supreme
coort wud do. I knew mesilf I felt I cudden't make
another move in th' game till I heerd fr'm thim. Buildin
op'rations was suspinded an' we sthud wringin' our hands
outside th' dure waitin' f r information fr'm th' bedside.
' What *re they doin' now ? ' * They just put th' argymints
iv lamed counsel in th' ice box an' th' chief justice is in a
comer writin' a pome. Brown J. an' Harlan J. is dis-

22

The Supreme Courfs Decisions

cussin' th* condition iv th' Roman Empire before th* fire.
Th* r-rest iv th' coort is coiisidherin' th' question iv
whether they ouglit or ought not to wear ruchiii' on their
skirts an' hopin' crinoline won't come in again. No deci-
sion to-day ? ' An' so it wint f 'r days, an' weeks an'
months. Th' men that had argyied that th' constitution
ought to shadow th' flag to ail th' tough resorts on th'
Passyfic coast an' th' men that argyied that th' flag was so
lively that no constitution cud follow it an' survive, they
died or lost their jobs or wint back to Salem an' were
f rgotten. Expansionists contracted an' anti-expansionists
blew up an' little childher was born into th' wurruld an'
grew to manhood an' niver heerd iv Porther Ricky except
whin some won get a job there. I 'd about made up me
mind to thry an' put th' thing out iv me thoughts an' go
back to wurruk when I woke up wan morain' an' see be th'
pa-aper that th' Supreme Coort had warned th' constitu-
tion to lave th' flag alone an' tind to its own business.

" That 's what th' pa-aper says, but I 've r-read over
th* decision an' I don't see annything iv th' kind there.
They 'se not a wurrud about th' flag an' not enough to tire
ye about th' constitution. 'Tis a matther iv limons,
Hinnissy, that th' Supreme Coort has been settin' on f r
this gineration — a cargo iv limons sint fr'm Porther Ricky
to some Eyetalian in Philydelphy. Th' decision was r-read
be Brown J., him bein' th' las' justice to make up his

23

Mr. L>oohfs Opinions

mind^ au' ex-officio, as Hogan says, th' first to speak, afther
a crool an' bitther contest Says Brown J. : ' Th' question
here is wan iv such gr-reat importance that we Ve been
sthrugglin* over it iver since ye see us las* an* on'y come
to a decision (Fuller C. J., Gray J., Harlan J., Shiras J.,
McEenna J., White J., Brewer J., an* Peckham J. dis-
sentin' fr'm me an' each other) because iv th' hot weather
corain' on. Wash'n'ton is a dhreadful place in summer
(Fuller C. J. dissentin*). Th* whole fabric iv our govern-
ment is threatened, th' lives iv our people an* th' pro-gress
iv civilization put to th' bad. Men ar-re excited. But
why ? We ar-re not (Harlan J., '' I am." Fuller C. J.
dissentin', but not fr th' same reason.) This thing must
be settled wan way or th' other undher that dear ol' con-
stitution be varchue iv which we are here an' ye ar-re
there an' Congress is out West practicin' law. Now what
does th' constitution say ? We '11 look it up thoroughly
whin we get through with this case (th' rest iv th*
coort dissentin'). In th' raanetime we must be governed
be th* ordnances iv th' Khan iv Beloochistan, th' laws iv
Hinnery th' Eighth, th' opinyon iv Justice iv th' Peace
Oscar Larson in th' case iv th* township iv Red Wing
varsus Petersen, an' th' Dhred Scott decision. What do
they say about limons ? Nawthin' at all. Again we take
th' Dhred Scott decision. This is wan iv th' worst I iver
r-read. If I cudden't write a betther wan with blindhers

24

The Supreme Courfs Decisions

on, I 'd leap off th' bench. This horrible fluke iv a decision
throws a gr-reat^ an almost dazzliu' light on th' case. I
will turn it off. (McEeuna J. concurs, but thinks it ought
to be blowed out.) But where was I ? I must put on
me specs. Oh, about th' limons. Well, th' decision iv
th* Coort (th' others dissentiu') is as follows : First, that
th' Disthrict iv Columbya is a state; second, that it is
not ; third, that New York is a state ; fourth, that it is a
crown colony ; fifth, that all states ar-re states an' all terri-
tories ar-re territories in th' eyes iv other powers, but
Oawd knows what they ar-re at home. In th' case iv
Hogan varsus Mullins, th' decision is he must paper th'
bam. (Hinnery VIII, sixteen, six, four, eleven.) In
Wiggins varsus et al. th' cow belonged. (Louis XIV, 90
in rem.) In E. P. Vigore varsus Ad Lib., the custody iv
th' childher. I '11 now fall back a furlong or two in me
chair, while me lamed but misguided collagues r-read th'
Histhry iv Iceland to show ye how wrong I am. But
mind ye, what I 've said goes. I let thim talk because it
exercises their throats, but ye 've heard all th' decision on
this limon case that '11 get into th* fourth reader.' A voice
fr'm th' audjeence, * Do I get me money back ? ' Brown
J. : ' Who ar-re ye ? ' Th' Voice : ' Th' man that ownded
th' limons.' Brown J. : ' I don't know.' (Gray J., White
J., dissentin' an' th' r-rest iv th' birds concurrin' but f r
entirely diff'rent reasons.)

25

Mr. Dooley^s Opinions

" An' there ye have th' decision, Hinnissy, that 's shaken
th' intellicts iv th' nation to their very foundations, or will
if they thry to read it T is all r-right. Look it over
some time. 'T is fine spoort if ye don't care f r checkers.
Some say it laves th' flag up in th' air an' some say that 's
where it laves th' constitution. Annyhow, something's in
th' air. But there 's wan thing I 'm sure about"

" What 's that ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

" That is," said Mr. Dooley, " no matther whether th'
constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort
follows th' iliction returns."

26

DISQUALIFYING THE ENEMY

27

DISilUALIFYING THE
ENEMY

'''W TELL, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "th' English
^y %/ ar-re goin' to end th' Boer War. They Ve
taken th' final steps. It's as good as
finished."

" What ar-re they doin' ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

" Ye see," said Mr. Dooley, " th' gover'mint is tired iv
th' way th' war 's been goin'. It 's becomin' a nuisance.
Whin rayspictable English people go to war, they don't
ixpict to have to keep it up foriver. They 'se other things
to do. But th' Boers wudden't stop. Manny attimpts
was made to con-cilyate thim. * If ye will lay down ye'er
ar-rms an' cut ye 'er hair,' said Lord Roberts iv Candyhar
an' Cork an' Pretorya an' th' dominyons beyond th' sea,
'an' f'rget Kruger an larn to sing Gawd save th' king, ye '11
be allowed to stand again a wall an' be shot. Otherwise,'
he says, ' I '11 soon have to take dhrastic measures again
ye,' he says. ' No,' says th' Boers, ' we 're sorry, but we
must rayfuse ye'er kind wurrud iv welcome. Nawthiu'

29

Mr. L>oolefs Opinions

wud give UB more pleasure thin to pro-vide good target
practice fr ye'er galliant la-ads/ they says. 'They need
it/ says they. 'But/ they says, *gr-reat as wud be th'
honor iv bein' burrid in th' Union Jack with a brass band
to play over us, we like th' glad free an' dishon'rable life
iv th' veldt/ they says. * We must stay out an' injye th*
rural .scenery awhile. How do we know/ says they, ' but
wan iv th' firin' squad might n't shut his eyes an' hit us ? '
says they. ' Well/ says Lord Roberts iv th' city directhry,
' if that 'b th' case,' he says, ' I 'm goin' home,' he says,
' an' capture a few more cities f r me title,' he says. ' I
niver fought such a mob iv rude ungovernable savages in
me life,' he says. *I quit ye,' he says. An' he wint
away an' left Lord Kitchener to r-run th' game. Lord
Eatchener's a gr-reat man. He 's kilt more naygurs thin
annything but watermilons. He thried concilyatin' th'
inimy. He hanged thim whin he caught thim. Whin an
English marksman gets that kind iv a dhrop on a man, he
niver misses. But still th' Boers rayfused to come in.
Thin th' war was renewed with gr-reat inergy. Ye r-read
in th' pa-apers ivry day iv a threemenjous engagement.
' Th' column undher th' Hon. Lord Ginral T. Puntington-
Canew met to-day an' defeated with gr-reat loss th'
Kootzenhammer commando, consistin' iv Mr. an' Mrs.
Kootzenhammer, their son August, their daughter Lena
an' Baby Kootzenhammer, who was in ar-rums an' will be

30

Disqualifying the Enemy

ezicuted accordin' to the decrees iv May tinth, fifteenth an'
sixteenth an' June ninths — whin caught. Th' Hon. Lord
Gin'ral Puntington-Canew rayports that he captured wan
cow, wan duck, wan pound iy ham, two cans iv beans, an'
a baby carredge. Th' commando escaped. Th' gin'ral
larned fr'ra th' cow, who has been shot, that th' Boers
ar-re in disprate condition an' cannot hold out much longer.
I ricommind that th' Hon. Lord Gin'ral T. Puntington-
Canew be made a jook an' receive a grant iv wan millyon
pounds sterling. He departed f r home yesterdah, havin'
seen nearly a week iv sarvice be flood an' field.' How th'
Boers sthud up to it, Hinnissy, I niver can tell. I 've
been countin' up their casulties, an' they 've lost enough
cows to keep Armour goin' a year. Wan iv th' things a
British sojer'U have to lam afbher this, is th' care iv a
cow.

" Still, in spite iv th' ravages iv th' Dairymen's Own, th'
Boers rayfused to come in an' be governed, so th' cabinet
held a meetin'. ' 'T is manifest,' says Lord Sal'sbry, * that
this . thing has gone as far as it can go in dacency,'
he says. ' They 'se a time f r all things,' he says, * an'
ivrything in its place,' he says. *We can't keep three
hunderd thousan' sojers an' th' rapid-fire pote Roodyard
Kipling down there f 'river. We need th' warryors at
home to dhrive th' busses an' lade th' cotillyons an' they
has n't been a good pome on th' butther an' egg market,

31

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

th' price iv stocks, th* prospects iv th' steel thrade, th'
opening iv th' new undlierground or th' mannyfacther iv
bicycles since Roodyard wint away. I wonder if thim
Boers don't think we have annything to do but chase thim
f* r th' r-rest iv our lives. I move we put an end to it/
he says. But how was it to be done? Some iv th'
cabinet that had been talkin' with th' warryor-iditors was
in favor iv bilin' all captured Boers in ile, but 't was
pinted out that this wud seem like home to a Boer. Some
wanted to make Lord Milliner a jook but th' jooks was
again this. An' 'twas fin'Uy decided afther a long an'
arjoos debate, that th' war mus' be. declared irrigular.
Yes, sir, fr'm now on 'tis a non-union war, 'tis again th'
rules. Annywan engaged in it will be set back be th'
stewards iv Henley.

*'Lord Kitchener wrote th' notice. He's a good
writer. ' Ladies an' Gintlemeu,' he says. ' This war as a
war is now over. Ye may not know it but it 's so. Ye 've
broke th' rules an' we give th* fight to oursilves on a foul.
Th' first principle iv a war again England is that th' inimy
shall wear r-red or purple coats with black marks f 'r to
indicate th' location iv vital organs be day an' a locomotive
headlight be night. They shall thin gather within aisy
range an' at th' wurrud ''fire" shall fall down dead.
Anny remainin' standin' aftherward will be considhered
as spies. Shootin' back is not allowed be th' rules an' is

32

Disqualifying the Enemy

severely discountenanced be our ladin' military authorities.
Anny attimpt at concealmint is threachery. Th' scand'Ious
habit iv pluggin' our gallant sojers fr'm behind rocks an'
trees is a breach iv internaytional law. Bethreatin' whin
pursooed is wan iv our copyrighted manoovers an' all
infringemints will be prosecuted. At a wumid fr'in us, th'
war is over an' we own ye'er counthry. Ye will see fr*m
this brief sketch that ye're no betther thin guerillas an*
pirates, an' now be th' r-right vested in me be mesilf, I call
on all persons carryin' on this needless, foolish, tiresome
conflict whin I ought to be home dhraggin' down th*
money fr'm parlymint, to come in an' be shot,' he says.
'If they don't,' says he, 'I'll con-fiscate their property
that is desthroyed an' abolish their r-rights as citizens
which they have none, an' charge thim a little something
f 'r th' care an' buryal iv their families,' he says.

" So there 's th' finish iv th' Boers. They 're out iv it
now. They're enthries wudden't be acciptcd on anny
thrack in th' wurruld. They have been set back f 'r con-
duck onbecomin' an English officer an' a giutleman. Our
Anglo-Saxon cousins acrost th' sea ar-re gr-reat people.
They 're a spoortin' people, Hinnissy. They know how to
win. They '11 race anny man's horse in th' wurruld if th'
jockey won't sit th' way he thinks will make th' horse go
fast. They '11 row anny crew in th' wurruld if th' crew
will train on beer an' cigareets an' won't be in a hurry to
« 33

Mr. L>oolefs Opinions

get through. An' whin it comes to war, they have th'
r-rest iv creation sittin' far back in th' rear iv th' hall.
We have to lick our inimy. They disqualify him."

"I thought th' war was over, annyhow," said Mr.
Hennessy.

" Well," said Mr. Dooley, " if Chicago was as peaceful
as South Africa, they'd be an agytation to rayjooce th'
polls foorce. Th' war is over, Hinnissy, but th' English
don't know it yet"

34

AMATEUR AMBASSADORS

35

AMATEUR A ME ASS A.
DORS

" T 'M glad th' la-ads fr'm th' Noo York Chamber iv
I Commerce had a good time in England/' said Mr.

•*" Dooley. " I don't know what a chamber iv com-
merce really is onless 't is a place where business men go
to sleep, but aunyhow, th* la-ads fr'm th' wan in Noo
York have been callin' on th' other hands acrost th' sea^ an'
now we 're so firmly ceminted together again wanst more
that ye cudden't tear us apart with a steam winch.
They've thravelled acrost th' ocean lavin' a thrail iv
morthar behind thim like a bricklayer comin' home fr'm
wurruk, an' they've got me so closely knit with Lord
Salsb'ry, first be ties iv blood, thin be a common language
which we both speak at each other, an' fin'Uy be a shovel-
ful iv cemint, that I feel like wan iv th' enthries iv a
three-legged race at a picnic.

•'An' 'tis on'y a few years ago whin if wan iv our
chamber iv commerce wint to London, he was sarched at
th' dock f 'r countherfeit money an' sometimes, Hinnissy,
successfully. I used to pick up a pa-aper an' r-read,

37

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

^hreadful accident to an American in England ; Frozen to
death at a Garden Party' or 'Singular occurrence at
Chelsea; American gintleman thries to enter society
through a thransom/ But that 's all past by^ Hinnissy.
'T is all past and gone, an' we 're as welcome in England
as if our lang:uage was less common an' our ties iv blood
was n't ready made. Ye see, Hinnissy, an American busi-
ness man, whin he 's in this counthry, is a business man
an' that 's what he is. He 's down-town in th' momin' at
eight o'clock thryin' to beat a check to th' bank. He
keeps wan eye on th' damper an' th' other on th' dure till
six, an' thin he 's homeward bound in a cable car with a
hand on th' sthrap an' another on his watch pocket. He
leads a simple, pasthral life an' is widely an' pop'larly
known as Cy. Th' on'y poUytics he 's intherested in is
who 's goin' to be ilicted assissor an' how much an' whin
he wants to know who 's sicrety iv state, he asks th' type-
writer who's just out of coUedge an' has time to larn
these gr-reat facts.

" But whin he goes to England, he 's another man. All
we hear about him at th' time he laves, is that Cy 's been
ast to partake iv th' Merry Roast beef iv ol' England,
which he prob'bly met whin 't was on th' hoof, an' th' hands
ar-re glad he 's got a vacation so that he can have a r-rest
an' they can sind out th' pail without fear iv bein' docked.
An' thin, lo an' behold ! we i)ick up th' pa-apers an' see

38

Amateur Ambassadors

that Cy's suddenly become an ambassadure. TheyVe
rayjooced Choate to th' r-ranks an' Cy is ambassadure
exthraordin'ry an' invoy plinipotootionary^ residin' at or
near th' Coort iv St. James. He 's met at th' dock be th'
King an' rile fam'ly, who escort him to th' rile lodgins in
Windsor Castle^ where he has a fr-ront room with a bath
an' there 's a jook to unpack his thruuk. ' Yesterdah/
says Cy to th' rayporther, 'I spint a long time' with th'
noble King. He 's a splendid fellow. I regard him as a
most competent King^ painstakin'^ active an' agreeable^ an'
always wiiiin' to show goods. He felt thurly th' impor-
tance iv our visits eemintin' as it does th' lieance between
th' two gr-reat Anglo-Saxon cannin' establishniints. I
said we were bound together be a common language^ an'
he asked me if I spoke Fr-rench. I said, "Noble King,
blood is thicker than wather." " We ought to be proud iv
our blood," says he, "We would shed it f'r each other,"
I says. " Ye wud," said he. " My prisince here," says I,
" cemints th' lieance between us," says I. He said it did,
but they'd been so much cemint applied that day he
began to feel like a cellar flure. He graciously asked me
if I wudden't like to walk around th' rile domain as far
as th' railway station. I cud also see a gr-reat deal iv it
fr'm th' window iv th' car. I thanked him, an' as I was
lavin' th' Queen enthered— wan iv th' most atthractive
ladylike women I 've met. I shall uiver forget her gra-

39

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

cious smile as I heerd it goin' down th' steps. I hope th'
people at home apprecyates what I've done f'r thim.
They'll niver be another war as long as I live. I've
written to the prisidint to sind f'r Choate. He might as
well go home an' go to wurruk. Cincinnati pa-apers
please copy.'

" Th' nex' day, Cy had a gr-ran' time in London. He
was allowed to pay his bill in advance an' go out th'
fr-ront dure iv th' hotel. Gr-reat crowds welcomed him,
not with th' glad cries iv us expansive Americans, but with
such hearty, bluflF English expressions as, 'Get out th'
way.' Even th' busmen an' cab-dhrivers offered to give
him a ride. That night he was intertained be th' Wor-
shipful Comp'ny iv British Merchants That Have Sold
Out or Are Goin' To, an' ye bet Cy made a speech. Be
this time he was an orator as well as a diplomat. ' Me
noble lord chairman, me noble lords, me noble gintlemen,
me noble waiters,' he says, ' D'ye ralize that this is wan iv
th' most important ivints in th' histhry iv th' wurruld?
'Tis th' first time I've been here. (Cheers.) Befure I
come to this fair land, which has so hospitably welcomed
me, an' see ye'er noble an' even rile King, they was a
gr-reat gap between th' two branches iv th' English-
speakin' people. Siv'ral times we Ve been at th' pint iv
war — wanst I raymimber in siventeen siventy-six an' again
in eighteen twelve. I don't know who staved it off thin.

40

Amateur Ambassadors

T was before I wint into th' butthrine business. But that
day has gone by. I done it. I say I^ but th' others can
speak f 'r tliimsilves. Th' inthroduction iv me Goolden
Creamery Butthrine into ye'er fair land was th' beginnin'
iv this era iv peace, an' now that ye 've seen me^ th' man
behind th' firkin^ ye know what to expict Hereafther
whin a dispute comes up about a coalin' station^ we '11
take it out iv th' hands iv poUyticians fr'm Irish disthricts
an' lave it to th' comity on weights an' measures iv th'
Chamber iv Commerce. 'T is a most intilligent body iv
which I am Chairman an' have such associate diplomats
as Higgins th' Machiavelly iv th' dbry goods thrade^ an'
Hoontz th' Bismark iv th' pickle industhry. Fr we ar-re
no longer rivals in business^ but frinds^ ye havin' retired.
We have th' same language an' manny iv thim^ th' same
bible or bibles^ th' same missin' Gainsborough^ a common
Shakespere (if I have th' name r-rigbt) an' an uncommon
lot iv bum actors playin' him. We ar-re acbooated be a
common purpose f 'r to march on, ankle to ankle^ ceniinted
so close ye cudden't squeeze a five dollar bill between us^
carryin' to th' ends iv th' earth, th' blessin's iv civil an'
relligous liberty an' shootin' thim into th' inhabitants
thereof an' teachin' thim th' benfits iv ye'er gloryous
thraditions an' our akelly gloryous products, among which
is Higgins' Goolden Creamery Butthrine XXX. It melts
in th' mouth.'

41

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

"That ought to settle it," Mr. Dooley went on. "If
Cy was goin' to stay over there, we cud adjourn Congress.
But th' throuble is th* ambassadure may have to come
back to meet a note an' thin our relations will be about
th* same as th' County Kerry's with England again. I
suppose we '11 have to keep Choate so 's he can look afther
things whin Cy is home."

" Who th' diwle made him ambassadure annyhow ? "
asked Mr. Hennessy angrily.

"Sh-h!" said Mr. Dooley. "He's a silf-made man.
But I wish he wudden't put on th' cemint so thick. I 'm
beginnin' to feel sticky."

42

rHE cirr as a summer

RESORT

43

THE CITY AS A SUMMER
RESORT

" ^ ^ THERE 'S Dorscy, the plumber, these days? "
^y^y asked Mr. Hennessy.
^ ^ "Haven't ye heerd?" said Mr. Dooley.
" Dorsey 's become a counthry squire. He 's lauded gintry,
like me folks in th' ol' dart. He lives out among th' bur-rds
an' th' bugs, in a house that looks like a cuckoo clock.
In an hour or two ye '11 see him go by to catch the five
five. He won't catch it because there ain't anny five five.
Th' la-ad that makes up th' time-table found las' week
that if he did n't get away arlier he cudden't take his
girl f 'r a buggy ride an' he 's changed th' five five to four
forty-eight. Dorsey will wait f 'r th' six siven an' he 'U
find that it don't stop at Paradise Manor where he lives
on Saturdahs an' Winsdahs except Fridahs in Lent. He '11
get home at iliven o'clock an' if his wife's f'rgot to lave
th' lanthem in th' deepo, he '11 crawl up to th' house on
his hands an' knees. I see him las' night in at th' dhrug
sthore buyin' ile iv peppermint f 'r his face. "T is a gran'

45

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

life in th* counthry/ says he, * far ' he says, ' fr'ni th' mad-
ding crowd,' says he. ' Ye have no idee/ he says, ' how
good it makes a man feel/ he says, ^ to escape th' dust an'
grime iv th' city,' he says, * an' watch th' squrls at play,'
he says. ^ Whin I walk in me own garden,' he says, ^ an'
see th' viggytables comin' up, I hope, an' hear me own
cow lowin' at th' gate iv th' fence,' he says, * I f 'rget,' he
says, ^ that they 'se such a thing as a jint to be wiped or a
sink to be repaired,' he says. He had a box iv viggytables
an' a can iv condensed milk undher his arm. ^ Th' wife is
goin' away nex' week,' he says, ' do ye come out an' spind
a few days with me,' he says. 'Not while I have th'
strenth to stay here/ says L ' Well,' he says, * maybe,' he
says, * I '11 r-run in an' see ye,' he says. ' Is there anny-
thing goin' on at th' theaytres ? ' he says.

"I wanst spint a night in th' counthry, Hinnissy.
'T was whin Hogan had his villa out near th' river. 'T was
called a villa to distinguish it fr'm a house. If 't was a
little bigger 't wud be big enough f'r th' hens an' if 'twas
a little smaller, 'twud be small enough f'r a dog. It
looked as if 't was made with a scroll saw, but Hogan
mannyfacthered it himself out iv a design in th' pa-aper.
' How to make a counthry home on wan thousan' dollars.
Puzzle : find th' money.' Hogan kidnaped me wan afther-
noon an' took me out there in time to go to bed. He
boosted me up a laddher into a bedroom adjinin' th' roof,

46

The City as a Summer Resort

' I hope/ says I, ^ I 'm not discommodin' th' pigeons/ I
says. * There ain't anny pigeons here/ says he. ' What *s
that ? ' says I. ' That 's a mosquito/ says he. ' I thought
ye did n't have anny here/ says I. * 'T is th' first wan
I 've seen/ says he, whackin' himsilf on th' back iv th'
neck. ^ I got ye that time, assassin/ he says hurlin' th'
remains to th' ground. ^ They on'y come/ he says, ' afther
a heavy rain or a heavy dhry spell,* he says, 'or whin
they 'se a little rain,' he says, * followed be some dhryness,'
he says. ' Ye must n't mind thim/ he says. ' A mosquito
on'y lives f 'r a day,' he says. "T is a short life an' a merry
wan,' says I. * Do they die iv indigisthion ? ' I says. So
he fell down through th' thrap dure an' left me alone.

" Well, I said me prayers an' got into bed an' lay there,
thinkin' iv me past life an' wondherin if th' house was on
fire. 'Twas warrum, Hinnissy. I'll not deny it. Th'
roof was near enough to me that I cud smell th' shingles
an' th' sun had been roUin' on it all day long an' though it
had gone away, it 'd left a ray or two to keep th' place.
But I 'm a survivor iv th' gr-reat fire an' I often go down
to th' roUin' mills an' besides, mind ye, I 'm iv that turn
iv mind that whin 'tis hot I say 'tis hot an' lave it go at
that. Sq I whispers to mesilf, ' I 'U dhrop off,' I says,
' into a peaceful slumber,' I says, * like th' healthy plough-
boy that I am/ says I. An' I counted as far as I knew
how an' conducted a flock iv sheep in a steeple chase an'

47

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

I 'd just begun f 'r to wondher how th' las' thing I thought
iv came into me head^ whin a dog started to howl in th'
yard. They was a frind iv this dog in th' nex' house that
answered him an' they had a long chat. Some other dogs
butted in to be companionnable. I heerd Hogan roUin' in
bed an' thin I heerd him goin' out to get a dhrink iv
wather. He thripped over a chair befure he lighted a
match to look at th' clock. It seemed like an hour
befure he got back to bed. Be this tirae^ th' dogs was
tired an' I was thinkin' I 'd take a nap whin a bunch iv
crickets undher me windows begun f 'r to discoorse. I 've
heerd iv th' crickets on th' hearth, Hinnissy, an' I used to
think they were all th' money, but anny time they get on
me hearth I buy me a pound iv insect powdher. I'd
rather have a pianola on th' hearth anny day, an' Qawd
save me fr'm that ! An' so 't was dogs an' mosquitos an'
crickets an' mosquitos an' a screech owl an' mosquitos an'
a whip-poor-will an' mosquitos an' cocks beginnin' to crow
at two in th' mornin' an' mosquitos, so that whin th' sun
bounced up an' punched me in th' eye at four, I knew
what th' thruth is, that th' couuthry is th' noisiest place in
th' wurruld. Mind ye, there 's a roar in th' city, but in th'
counthry th' noises beats on ye'er ear like carpet tacks
bein' dhriven into th' dhrum. Between th' chirp iv a
cricket an' th' chirp iv th' hammer at th* mills, I '11 take
th' hammer. I can go to sleep in a boiler shop but I

48

The City as a Summer Resort

spint th' rest iv that night at Hogan's settin' in th' bath
tub.

'^I saw him in th' mornin' at breakfast. We had
canned peaches an' condinsed milk. 'Ye have ye'er
valise/ says he. 'Aren't ye goin' to stay out?' 'I
am not/ says I. ' Whin th' first rattler goes by ye '11 see
me on th' platform fleein' th' peace an' quite iv th'
counthry, f r th' turmoil an' heat/ I says, ' an' food iv a
gr-reat city/ I says. * Stay on th* farm/ says I. ' Com-
mune/ I says, ' with nature/ I says. 'Enjoy/ I says, ' th'
simple rustic life iv th' merry farmer boy that goes
whistlin' to his wurruk befure breakfast/ says I. ' But I
must go back,' I says, ' to th' city/ I says, ' where there is
nawthin' to eat but what ye want an' nawthin' to dhrink
but what ye can buy,' I says. ' Where th' dust is laid be
th' sprinklin' cart, where th' ice-man comes reg'lar an' th'
roof garden is in bloom an' ye 're waked not be th' sun
but be th' milkman,' I says. 'I want to be near a doctor
whin I 'm sick an' near eatable food whin I 'm hungry, an'
where I can put me hand out early in th' mornin' an'
hook in a newspaper/ says I. 'Th' city/ says I, 'is th'
on'y summer resort f 'r a man that has iver lived in th'
dty/ I says. An' so I come in.

"'Tis this way, Hinnissy, th' counthry was all right
whin we was young and hearty, befure we become en-
feebled with luxuries, d' ye mind. 'T was all right whin
4 49

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

we cud shtand it. But we 're not so sthrong as we was.
We 're diff 'rent men, Hinnissy. Ye may say, as Hogan
does, that we 're ladin' an artificyal life but, be Hivins, ye
might as well tell me I ought to be paradin' up an' down
a hillside in a suit iv skins, shootin' th' antylope an' th'
moose, be gorry, an' livin' in a cave, as to make me believe I
ought to get along without sthreet cars an' ilicthric lights an'
illy vators an' sody wather an' ice. ^ We ought to live where
all th' good things iv life comes fr'm,' says Hogan. ^ No,'
says I. ^ Th' place to live in is where all th' good things
iv life goes to.' Ivrything that 's worth havin' goes to th'
city; th' counthry takes what's left. Ivrything that's
worth havin' goes to th' city an' is iced. Th' cream comes
in an' th' skim-milk stays; th' sunburnt viggytables is
consumed be th' hearty farmer boy an' I go down to
Callaghan's store an' ate th' sunny half iv a peach. Th'
farmer boy sells what he has f 'r money an' I get th' money
back whin he comes to town in th' winther to see th' ex-
position. They give us th' products iv th* sile an' we give
thim cottage organs an' knock-out dhrops, an' they think
they've broke even. Don't lave annywan con-vince ye th'
counthry 's th' place to live, but don't spread th' news yet
f'r awhile. I'm goin' to advertise 'Dooleyville be-th'
river. Within six siconds iv sthreet cars an' railway
thrains an' aisy reach iv th' theaytres an' ambulances.
Spind th' summer far fr'm th' busy haunts iv th' fly an' th'

50

The City as a Summer Resort

bug be th' side iv th' purlin' ice wagon.' I 'U do it, I tell
ye. I 'U organ-ize excursions an' I '11 have th' poor iv th'
counthry in here settin' on th' cool steps an' passin' th'
can fr'm hand to hand ; I 'U take thim to th' ball-game an'
th' theaytre ; I '11 lave thim sleep till breakfast time an'
I 'U sind thim back to their overcrowded homes to dhream
iv th' happy life in town. I will so."

'* I 'm glad to hear ye say that," said Mr. Hennessy. *' I
wanted to go out to th' counthry but I can't unless I
sthrike."

" That 's why I said it," replied Mr. Dooley.

61

AN EDITORS DUTIES

63

AN EDITOR'S DUTIES

" TT^' YE know I'd like to be an iditor," said Mr.

I I Dooley.

" It must be a hard job," said Mr. Hennessy.
" Ye have to know so much."

" 'T is a hard job," said Mr. Dooley, " but 't is a fascina-
tin' wan. They 'se nawthin' so hard as mindin' ye'er own
business an' an iditor niver has to do that. He 's like me-
silf. I 'm sick iv th' perpetchool round iv examinin' th'
beer pump an' countin' up th' receipts. I want to put on
me hat an' go out an' take a peek at th' neighborhood.
How 's Clancy gettin' on with his wife ? Is it thrue she
hates him ? How 's Schwartzmeister's business ? Whin
is Flannigan goin' to paint his barn? Afther I get
through with me investigations I come back here an'
give ye me opinyion on th' topics iv th' day. Be hivens, I
am an iditor in me way. All I need is a cover iv a yellow
man hittiu' a blue goluf ball with a green shtick to be
wan iv tk' gr-reatest newspapers th' wurruld iver see.
An' if it was n't f r th' likes iv ye, I wudden't be alive.
Ye 're me circulation. Ye 're small, Hinnissy, but ye 're
silict. Ye wttnt to know what's goin' on an' ye want

55

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

some wan to make up ye'er mind about it an' I give ye
th' ivints iv th' day an' tell ye what they all mane.

^^But it mus' be gran' to be a rale iditor. I come
down town in a goold barooche fr'm me boardin' house
an' brush aside th' cabinet ministhers at th' dure an' go to
me palashial chamber with tillyphone connictions to iv'ry
part iv th' wurruld. I sind f 'r wan iv th' spry rayporthers
an' says I : ' What 's goin' on up th' sthreet ? ' * They
was a fight between a man called Booley an' wan called
Fennessy because Shannessy wudden't wurruk f r Rooley
anny longer.' * Very good,' says I. ' Ye may go/ I says.
An' I set down an' write : ' As we go to press yisterdah
with our spicyal midnight tomon'ah's extry edition, we
larn that a dispute has broke out between capital as
riprisinted be Martin H. Doogan an' labor, th' bulwarks
iv our liberty, in th' person iv th' affable little Oscar
O'Callaghan. We do not know annything about th'
causes iv this unforchnit dispute^ but all we can say,
gintlemen, is, arbitrate! This is no time f 'r puttin' for-
ward silfish motives. Th' inthrests iv capital an' labor is
th' same, wan thryin' to make capital out iv labor an' th'
other thryin' to make laborin' men out iv capitalists.
Therefore, we say, arbitrate, arbitrate, arbitrate ! *

" Whin I 've got this oflF me mind, I take up Schwartz-
meister's case : * We view with alarum th* rayport that
Herr Alfonso Schumacher is demandin' that none iv his

56

An Editor^ s Duties

customers shud fork th' lunch before makin' signs at th'
bar-tinder. This is an inthrusion on th' r-rights iv th'
people that shows how correct Qeoige Jifferson was whin
he made his famous utthrance: 'Oh, if we on'y knew.'
How long will this here be tolerated in this community ?
We warn Herr Schmittstein that we have an eye on him.
We know what he done in Germany. Let him have
a care.

"On foreign politics, I'm akelly sthrong: 'A war
cloud has humped its back in th' Balkans an' befure
manny days, we may look to see Germany, Rooshia, Spain,
an' Portygal m deadly conflict with th' Dhryboond, th'
ZoUverein an' th' Toomydijemind. Th' prisint throuble is
joo to th' fact that th' king iv Boolgaharia, Hamman II,
rayfused to allow th' rajah iv Sarvya to hang his washin'
on th' common clothes line defined be Prince Goochagoo
in th' Council iv Nice. It will be a sad day f r th' wur-
ruld whin these gr-reat naytions begins to exchange
r-rights, but we wired our corryspondint at Boolywoolygoo
las' night that we wud consint to act as referee. Th' suc-
cess iv th' Daily Roar in arrangin' th' difFyculties between
th' Gran' Llama an' th' King iv Siam las' year makes us
hopeful th* oflFer will be accipted. If not, lave thim fight.*

" I don't know that I 'd be as good an iditor now as I
wud Ve been in th' ol' days. In th' times whin Horace
Greeley was r-runnin* pa-apers, they niver talked about

57

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

annything lower thin a face ca-ard. 'T was th' tahriff an*
th' war an' whether th' givermint ought to call in th'
silver certyficates or lave thim out in th' night air. Thim
oF la-ads didn't know they was such a thing as lawn
tennis in th' wurruld. But nowadays an iditor has to be
on to as manny things as a departmint store. Wan min-
yit he 's addhressin' wurruds iv good cheer to th' Czar iv
Rooshya ; another an' he 's tellin' Andhrew Carnaygie th'
best way to make steel billets is to mix in a little chopped
feed; a minyit later he's writin', 'Clarence Dudley has
won th' tennis champeenship iv Noo Jarsey. We ar-re
glad to see that this risin' young statesman is improvin'
in his voUeyin' though his lobbin' is still a thrifle lobby/
Or, 'We lane sthrongly to th' opinion that th' raysult iv
th' races yesterdah shows that th' steel spinaker has come
to stay. Though 't is very thryin' on th' load wather line,
it takes a gr-reat deal iv weight off th' centher-boord,
which is exactly what we said las' year.' Or, ' We note
with regret that Mrs. Hankerbilt's ball gown was worn
with a loop on th' pleats. How much more wholesome
th' ol' fashioned crinoline.' I hate to think whin a gr-reat
iditor has settled th' currency question an' th' sthrikes an'
partitioned off China an' handed insthructions to th'
crowned heads iv Europe, an' rivolutionized th' packin'
business, an' tol' th' ladies what kind iv a hat to wear
with a lavender skirt, he has to go home to his wife

58

An Editor^ s Duties

an' confiss that he f rgot th' baby's carredge. I think I
wudden't like to be an iditor afther all. I sometimes
wondher they don't come out with a line printed acrost th'
first page : * We don't know annything about it an' we
don't care, an' what business iv ye'ers is it annyhow ? ' "

" I shud think th' wurruk wud kill thim," said Mr.
Hennessy^ sadly.

"It does," said Mr. Dooley. "Manny gr-reat iditors is
dead."

59

ON THE POETS FATE

61

ON THE POET'S FATE

** ^ "W" THO was it said he did n't care who made th'
%/%/ laws iv a counthry if he cud on'y write th'
^ ^ pomes ? " asked Mr. Dooley.

" I niver heerd," said Mr. Hemiessy.

'* Well, 'twas some frind iv Hogan's," said Mr. Dooley.
"An* th' man was wrong. He was wrong, Hinnissy. I
don't want to make th' laws iv th' counthry. I 'm doin'
pretty well to keep thim that ar-re made now. An' as f r
th' pothry, I 'd as lave 't was wrote be other hands thin
mine. I was r-readin' in th' pa-aper th' other day iv
a la-ad down in th' midway that says LongfeUow that I
used to think was a rale good pote — he wrote life is rale,
life is earnest, d' ye mind, an' I believe th' same mesilf —
Longfellow ought niver to've left th' plumbin' business
an' Milton was about as much iv a pote as Edward Atkin-
son, an' Shakespere shud be took up f 'r obtainin' money
be false pretinces.

" Ivrybody has a crack at a pote whin he gets a chanst.
There 's me fnnd, Roodyard Kipling. I don't mind tellin'
ye he ain't my kind iv a pote. Hogan is more to me taste.
Did ye iver r-read his pomes ' Oh, Star,' an' ' Oh, Moon ' ?

63

i

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

Well^ that 's as far as he iver wint. Ho goes home at
night an' takes off his coat an* sets down with a pencil in
his month an' writes : * Oh, Star/ an' ' Oh, Moon,' an' thin
he can't think iv annything that wud do justice to thim,
so he says, * Oh, th' diwle,* an' comes over here f 'r a
dhrink.

" Roodyard Kipling is a diff 'rint kind iv a pote. He
don't keep pothry f 'r style so that he can turn out behind
it an' say, ' Boys, what d' ye think iv that f 'r high-stheppin'
verse ? ' Comfort an' not display is his motto. Whin he
asks what Hogan calls th' Muse f 'r to come up an' spind
a week with him, he does n't expict her to set all day in
th' hammock on th' front stoop singin' about th' bur-rds.
She 's got to do th' week's washiu', clane th' windows,
cook th' meals, chune th' pianny, dust th' furniture, mend
th' socks, an' milk th' cow be day, an' be night she 's got
to set up an' balance th' books iv an empire. Whin this
Muse has thrown up her job at Kipling's, she '11 be as
good a second girl as anny pote wud want to hire. So
Roodyard Kipling's pomes is in gr-reat demand. They 're
warranted not to tear or shrink or r-run in th' wash an'
he '11 guarantee to fit all sizes an' ages. ' Will ye have
wan or two hip pockets in ye'er pome, Mr. Rhodes ? ' he
says. 'Boy, wrap up this package iv self-rising pothry
Tr th' Canajeen market I can do this kind iv a war
pome f 'r ye f 'r eight an' six.' An' so it goes. He 's got

64

On the Poefs Fate

orders to put th' annyul rayport iv th* Bank iv England,
th' crop statistics iv th' Agaricoolchral Departmint an' th'
quotations iv th' Stock Exchange in pothry. His pothry
will be listed nex' year an' ye can r-read it on a ticker in
a saloon. He had a pome th' other day showin' that th'
English army ought to buy more horses an' mules, f 'r as
he pinted out, a horse can r-run fasther thin anny man, no
matther what his record may be. 'T was a good wur-
rukin' pome. I did n't like it as much as th' * Oh, Star '
kind, but, sure, live an' let live is me motto, an' if a man
wants to insthruct his counthry what it ought to do be
playin' his advice on a harp or doin' a jig, 't is not f 'r
me to criticise him. I don't want to hang Roodyard Kip-
ling because he had a pome that sounds like a speech be
Lyman J. Qage on th' legal tindher act.

"But 'tis diff'rint with me fellow citizens an' fellow
lithry.joynts. A few years ago Roodyard Kipling come
over here an' got pnoomony iv th' lungs an' it looked
fr a long time as though th' nex' pome he figured
in wud be wrote with a stone mason's chisel. Well,
sir, it leaked out that he had a bad chest an' th' kind-
hearted American public begun to weep into its beer.
They was a line iv tillygraft boys a block long at th' hotel
with messages iv condolence fr'm frinds iv his he niver see
or heerd iv, copies iv th' same havin' been sint to th' local
newspaper. Th' pa-apers was full iv tindher remarks to
» 65

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

th' gin'ral eflFect that if Kipling died, lithrachoor wud
count th' cash raygisther, put up th* shutters an' go out
into th' night. Th* articles was accompanied be silictions
fr'm his copyright pomes. Conductors on th' sthreet cars
sobbed at th' mintion iv his name, fatal cocktails was
called afther him, near ivry clergyman in th' counthry side-
thracked th' sermon on vice an' bracketed Kipling with
Martin Luther an' Rockefellar. Down on th' Stock Ex-
change, sthrong men cried as they said: *Poor Kipling.
What did he write?' Th' Amalgamated Browning,
Omar Khayyam an' Walt Whitman Association iv tin
workers iv Baraboo, Wis., held a meetin' an' raysolved
that Civilization wud lose an eye if Kipling wint, an' it
was th' sinse iv th' meetin' that th' threasurer be in-
sthructed to hire a copy iv his book an' see if it was
as good as they said. Th' sicker he got, th' bigger man
he was. Ivry time his timprachoor wint up, his repyta-
tion as a pote advanced tin degrees. Bets was oflfered in
th' pool rooms five to wan an' no takers that he cud give
Homer an' Shakespere twinty pounds an' a bating. If
he'd gone out, they were goin' to put spectacles an' a fiir
coat on th' goddess iv liberty an' call it Kipling.

** Thin he made th' mistake iv his life. He lived. If
ye iver get to be a pote, Hinnissy, don't take any chances
on fame. Cinch it. Jump into th' river. But Boodyard
Kipling did n't know. He wint away an' settled down an'

66

On the Poefs Fate

begun to hammer out a few lenths iv jinted pothrj to sind
over to his kind frinds in America. An' what did his kind
frinds do ? I picked up a pa-aper th' other day. I raymim-
ber 't was wan that had confissed to me that if annything
happened to Kipling, th* iditor wud feel that he cudden't
go on with his wurruk without a substantial increase in sal-
ary. Well, they was an article about a man that had killed
his wife, an' it says : * Misther So-an'-so, a well-known an'
poplar burglar on th' west side, yisterdah was so unforch-
nit as to sink an axe into Mrs. So-an'-so. It is believed
he acted undher gr-reat provocation.' Nex' to this piece
iv society news was a scholarly article on Roodyard
Kipling. *We have just been r-readin' a pome be that
confidence op'rator, Roodyard Kipling, an' if there is
a pressman in this buildin' that cudden't write a betther
wan, we 'd feed him to his own press. We do not see
who buys th' wurruks iv this fiend in human form, but
annybody that does ought to be put in a place where th'
green goods men can't get at him. Whin we recall th'
tears we shed whin this miscreent was pretindin' to be sick,
we feel like complainin' to th' polls. If he iver comes to
this counthry again, we will be wan iv tin thousan' to go
out an' lynch him. To think iv th' way this imposter has
been threated an' thin see that young swan iv Main Street,
our own townsman, Higbie L. Duff clerkin' in a shoe store,
makes us ashamed iv our counthry.'

67

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

" An' there ye ar-re. That 's what happens to a pote
whin he's found out an* no pote can escape. Th' Amal-
gamated Assocyation iv Baraboo has become th' Society
f r th* Prqvintion iv Kipling, th' Stock Exchange is
r-readin* th' polls gazette, an' ye won't anny more hear
Kipling mintioned in th' pulpit thin ye will th' Bible."

" I don't suppose he cares," said Mr. Hennessy.

" Well, maybe he don't know," said Mr. Dooley. " But
it ought to be a lesson f r anny young man who thinks iv
goin' into pothry. They 'se on'y wan thing f r a pote to
do : just as they 're about to hang th' lorls on his brow
befure they begin to throw th' bricks, he ought to pass
away. Th' nex' best thing is to write his pothry where
no wan can see him an' dhrop it quitely in th' sthreet.
Thin they may blame it on some wan else."

68

THE YACHT RACES

69

THE YACHT RACES

" TN th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman — " b^an
I Mr. Dooley.

"^ *^ Scowman," said Mr. Hennessy.

" Yachtsman," said Mr. Dooley. " Whin I was a yachts-
man, all a man needed to race was a fiat-bottomed boat,
an umbrella, an' a long dhrinL In thim days 't was ^ Up
with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'n Jawn first
to th' Lake View pumpin' station f r th' see-gars.' Now
't is ' Ho, f r a yacht race. Lave us go an' see our lawyers/
'T is * Haul away on th' writ iv ne exeat,' an' * Let go th'
peak capias.' 'T is ^ Pipe all hands to th' Supreme Coort.'
*Tis ^A life on th' boundin' docket an' a home on th'
rowlin' calendar.' Befure we die. Sir Lipton '11 come
over here f r that Cup again an' we 11 bate him be gettin' out
an over-night injunction. What 's th' use iv buildin'
a boat that's lible to tip an' spill us all into th' wet?
Turn th' matther over to th' firm iv Wiggins, Schultz,
O'Mally, Eckstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an'
McPherson, an' lave us have th' law on him.

^' I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin' oflF me
little jokes on a seeryous matther like this. What's it all

71

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

about, says ye? Well, ye see, 'tis this way. Wanst
befure th* war some la-ad fr'm this counthry took a boat
acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' iv
coorse, he won, not bein' tied to th' dock, an' they give
him a Cup. I don't know why they give him a cup, but
they give him a cup. He brought it back here an' handed
it to a yacht club, which is an assocyation, Hinnissy, iv
mimbers iv th' Bar. He says : ^ Ye keep that cup on ye'er
mantle-piece an' if e'er an Englishman wants it, don't ye
give it to him.' Afther awhile, an Englishman that
ownded a boat come afther th' cup, an' 't was lave go
altogether, an' th' las' man to th' line knows what he is.
He 's an Englishman, iv coorse. That was all r-right too.
But th' time come whin th' lagal pro-fission took a hand
in th' game. 'Look here,' says they. 'Ye've vilated
nearly all th' statues iv th' State iv Noo Jarsey already,'
they says, * an' if ye ain't careful, ye '11 be hauled up f 'r
contimpt iv coort,' they says. So they took th' matther in
hand an' dhrew up th' r-right pa-apers. * State iv Noo
York, county iv Cook, s. s. Know all men be these
prisints. To all magisthrates an' polls oflBcers, greetin'.
In re Sir Lipton again th' Cup. Ordhered that if Sir Lipton
shall secure said Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) he
must build a boat as follows ; Wan hundhered an' twinty
chest, fifty-four waist, hip an' side pockets, carryin' three
hundherd an' sixty-three thousan' cubic feet iv canvas;

72

The Tacht Races

th' basement iv th' boat to be papered in green with yel-
low flowered dado^ open plumbin'^ steam heat throughout^
th' tinant to pay f 'r all repairs. Be means iv this infernal
machine^ if onable to kill o£f th' rile fam'ly^ he will attimpt
to cross th' stormy Atlantic, an' if successful, will arrive at
th' risidince iv th* party of th* first part, said John Doe.
Wanst there, he will consult with mimbers iv th' Noo
York Bar Association, who will lead him to a firm iv com-
petent expert accountants, who will give him his time,
which is two minyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th'
distance fr'm th' binnacle to th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th'
cook-stove, east be north to th' bowspirit. He will thin
take his foolish boat down th' bay, an' if he keeps his
health, he can rayturn to th' grocery business, f r he 's
a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.'

^^ Te can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become
wan iv th' lamed pro-fissions. 'T is that that got th' la-ad
fr'm Boston into it. They 's a jolly Jack Tar f r ye. In
dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no more gallant
sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th' Amal-
gamated Copper Yacht Gub. ' What ho ? ' says he. ' If
we 're goin' to have a race,' he says, * shiver me timbers
if I don't look up th' law,' he says. So he become
a yachtsman. 'But,' says th' Noo York la-ads, thim that
has th' Cup on their mantle-piece, * Ye can race on'y on
two conditions.' 'What ar-re they?' says Larsen. 'Th'

73

Mr. Dooley^s Opinions

first is that ye become a mimber iv our club.' * With
pleasure/ says he. *Ye can't,' says they. ^An' havin'
complied with this first condition, ye must give us ye'er
boat/ says they. * We don't want it/ they says. * Th'
terms suit me entirely/ says Cap. Larsen. ^ I 'm a simple
sailor man an' I '11 give ye me boat undher th' following
conditions/ he says. * First, that ye won't take it ; second,
that ye '11 paint me name on th' side iv it in red letters,
three feet high; third, that ye '11 inthrajooce me to th'
Prince iv Wales; foorth, that I'll sail it mesilf. Naw-
thin', he says, ^wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to
have me handsome an' expinsive raft in th' hands iv men
who I wud considher it an honor to know/ he says. * An'
so/ he says, * I '11 on'y ask ye to sign a bond an' lave
a small security, say about five hundherd thousan' dollars,
in me hands in case anny paint shud be knocked off me
boat,' he says. * Yachtin' is a gintleman's spoort/ he says,
*an' in dalin' with gintlemen,' he says, *ye can't be too
careful,' he says."

"What's Sir Lipton doin' all this time?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.

"He's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin'
through th' other lagal preliminaries iv th' race. He 's
built a boat too. Th' King if England was aboord iv her, an'
he was near killed, be havin' a mast fall on him. Th' Lord
knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' a hund-

74

The Yacht Races

herd thousan' ton fell on his Majesty an' bounced oflF. Sir
lipton felt pretty bad about it. He did n't mind losin'
a mast or two^ but he did n't want annywan to know he had
th' king aboord. 'T wud hurt business. * Boys,' says he to
th' rayporthers, * th' King 's on me yacht. D' ye hear me ?
Th' King 's on me yacht. But don't say annything about
it I don't want to have it known. Don't print it onless
ye have to^ an' thin put it in an inconspicuous place^ like
th' first page. He 's here sure enough, boys. Th' mast
just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt him. I'm not
sure it didn't kill him. He remained perfectly cool
throughout So did I. I was almost cold. So did both
iv us. But, mind ye, not a wurrud iv this in th' pa-apers.'
I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it. But
they 're a pryin' lot."

" How did th' mast come to fall ? " asked Mr. Hennessy,
eagerly. " D' ye suppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us ? "

*^S-sh," said Mr. Dooley, adding softly, "he was
bor-m in Limerick."

75

ON ATHLETICS

11

ON ATHLETICS

'y^\ TE'RE gettin' to be th' gr-reatest spoortin*
%/%/ nation in th' wumild/' said Mr. Hennessy,
^ ^ who had been laboring through pages of
athletic intelligence which he could not understand.

" Oh, so we ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. " An' I wondher
does it do us anny good. 'T is impoorted fr'm th' English.
They have a sayin' over there that th' jook iv Wellinton
said first or somebody said f r him an' that 's been said a
number iv times since, that th' battle iv Watherloo was
won on th' playin' fields iv Eton, that bein' a school where
th' youth iv England an' Noo York is sint f r idjycation.
It was not. Th' battle iv Watherloo was won on th'
potato fields iv Wexford an' th' bog patches iv Connock,
that's where 'twas won. Th' Fr-rinch ar-re a good
fightin' people an' a Fr-rinchman cudden't hit a goluf ball
Mrith a scoop shovel. Th' Germans is a hardy race an'
they thrain on Wesphalyan ham an' Boodweiser an' th'
on'y exercise they have is howlin' at a sangerfest. Th'
Booshyans is a tur-rble crowd an' they get their strenth
by standin' on th' comer askin' if ye have anny ol' clothes
ye 'd like to sell or be matchin' kopecks f 'r th' vodkies.

79

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

Ar-re we anny betther, tell me, f r bein' th' high tiniUB
experts, th' intherprisin' rowsmen, th' champeen yachtere iy
th' wumild thin we were whin we were on'y th' champeen
puddlers, milkers^ ploughers, an' sewin' machine agents ?
Why is England losin' her supreemacy, Hinnissy? Be-
cause Englishmen get down to their jobs at iliven o'clock
figurin' a goluf scoor on their cuffs an' lave at a quarther
to twelve on a bicycle. We bate thim because 't was th'
habit iv our joynt iv commerce f 'r to be up with th' cock
an' down to th' damper befure th' cashier come ; an' in his
office all day long in his shirt sleeves an' settin' on th' safe
till th' las' man had gone. Now, if ye call up wan iv these
captains iv industhree at wan o'clock iv a Saturdah afther-
noon, th' office boy answers th' tillyphone. Th' Titan iv
Commerce is out in a set iv green an' blue knee breeches,
batin' a hole in a sand pile an' cur-rsin' th' evil fate that
made him a millyionaire whin nature intinded him f 'r a
goluf champeen. Ye can't keep ye'er eye on th' ball an'
on th' money at th' same time. Te've got to be wan
thing or another in this wumild. I niver knew a good
card player or a great spoortsman that cud do much iv
annything else. They used to tell me that Napoleon
Bonyparte, th' imp'ror iv th' Frinch, was a champeen chess
player, but Hogan says he was on'y good because anny-
body that bate him might as well go down an' be meas-
ured f 'r his ball an' chain. A rde high class chess player,

80

On Athletics

without room f r annything else in his head, cud close his
eyes, an' put th' dhrinks on Napoleon Bonyparte in three
moves. Did ye iver hear iv Grant wearin' anny medals f r
a hundherd yard dash ? Did annywan iver tell ye iv th'
number iv base hits made be Abraham Lincoln ? Is there
anny record iv George Wash'nton doin' a turn on a
thrapeze or Thomas JiSerson gettin' th' money f 'r throwin'
th' hammer ?

" In me younger days 't was not considhered rayspict-
able f r to be an athlete. An athlete was always a man
that was not sthrong enough f r wurruk. Fractions dhruv
him fr'm school an' th' vagrancy laws dhruv him to base-
ball. We used to go out to th' ball game to see him
sweat an' to throw pop bottles at th' empire but none iv
his fam'ly was iver proud iv him except his younger
brother. A good seat on th' bleachers, a bottle handy f 'r
a neefaryous decision at first base an' a bag iv cracker-
jack was as far as iver I got tow'rd bein' a spoortin'
character an' look at me now! Ye carft have ye'er
strenth an' use it too, Hinnissy. I gredge th' power I
waste in walkin' upstairs or puttin' on me specs."

"But 'tis good f 'r th' women," said Mr. Hennessy.

''Is it, faith?" said Mr. Dooley. "Well, it may be,

but it 'a no good f 'r th' woman f 'r th' men. I don't know

annything that cud be more demoralizin' thin to be marrid

to a woman that cud give me a sthroke a shtick at goluf,

^ 81

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

'T is goin' to be th' roon iv fam'ly life. T will break up
th* happy home. I 'm a man, we '11 say, that 's down town
fr'm th' arly mornin' bendin' over a ledger an' thryin' to
thrap a dollar or two to keep th' landlord fr'm th' dure.
I dispise athletes. I see that all th' men that have a
metallic rattle whin they get on a movin' sthreet car are
pounds overweight an' wud blow up if they jogged around
th' corner. Well, I come home at night an' no matther
how I Ve been ' Here-you-d ' all day, I feel in me heart
that I 'm th' big thing there. What makes me feel that
way, says ye? 'Tis th' sinse iv physical supeeryority.
Me wife is smarter thin I am. She 's had nawthin' to do
all day but th* housewurruk an' puttin' in th' coal an'
studyin' how she can make me do something I don't want
to do that I wud want to do if she did n't want me to do it.
She 's thrained to th' minyit in havin' her own way. Her
mind 's clearer, mine bein' full iv bills iv ladin' ; she can
talk betther an' more frequent ; she can throw me fam'ly in
me face an' whin har-rd put to it, her starry eyes can
gleam with tears that I think ar-re grief, but she knows
diff 'rent. An' I give in. But I 've won, just th' same.
F 'r down in me heart I 'm sayin' : ^ Susette, if I were not
a gentleman that wud scorn to smash a lady, they 'd be
but wan endin' to this fracas. Th' right to th' pint iv th'
jaw, Susette.' I may niver use it, d' ye mind. We may
go on livin' together an' me losin' a battle iviy day fr

82

On Athletics

fifty year. But I always know 't is there an' th' knowl-
edge makes me a proud an' haughty man. I feel me arm as
I go out to lock th' woodshed again, an' I say to mesilf :
' Oh, woman, if I iver cut loose that awful right.' An'
she knows it too. If she did n't she wudden't waste her
tears. Th' sinse of her physical infeeryority makes her
weep. She must weep or she must fight. Most anny
woman wud rather do battle thin cry, but they know it 's
no use.

" But now how is it ? I go home at night an' I 'm met
at th' dure be a female joynt. Me wife 's th' champeen
lady golufess iv th' Ivy Leaf Goluf club ; th' finest oarslady
on th' canal ; a tinnis player that none can raysist without
injury. She can ride a horse an' I cudden't stay on a
merry-go-round without clothespins. She can box a good
welter weight an' she's got medals f'r th' broad jump.
Th' on'y spoorts she is n't good at is cookin' an' washin'.
This large lady, a little peevish because she's oflF her
dhrive, meets me at th' dure an' begins issuin' ordhers
befure I have me shoes off. 'T is just th' same as if I was
back on th' hoist. She does n't argy, she does n't weep.
She jus' says ' Say you,' an' I 'm off on th' bound. I look
her over an' say I to mesilf: * What's th' good? I
cudden't cross that guard,' an' me reign is ended. I 'm
back to th' ranks iv th' prolitory.

" It won't do, Hinnissy. It 's a blow at good gover-

83

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

mint. 'T will disrupt th' home. Our fathers was r-right.
They did n*t risk their lives an' limbs be marryin' these
female Sharkeys. What they wanted was a lady that
they 'd find settin' at home whin they arrived tired fr'm th'
chase^ that played th' harp to thim an' got their wampum
away fr'm thim more like a church fair thin like a safe
blower. In th' nex' eighty or ninety years if I make up
me mind to lave this boistherous life an' settle down^ th'
lady that I'll rayquist to double me rent an' divide me
borrowin' capacity will wear no medals f 'r athletic spoorts.
F'r, Hinnissy, I 'm afraid I cud not love a woman I might
lose a fight to."

"I see be th' pa-aper," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' ath-
letic girl is goin' out, what iver that means."

" She had to," said Mr. Dooley, " or we wud."

84

ON LYING

86

ON LYING

" A I ^H' question befiire th' house is whin is a lie not
I a lie ? " said Mr. Dooley.
-■" " How 's that ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

" Well," said Mr. Dooley, " here 's Pro-fissor E. Biujamin
Something-or-Other insthructin' th' youth at th' Chicago
TJnivarsity that a lie, if it 's f r a good purpose, is not a lie
at all. There 's th' gr-reat school down there on th' Mid-
way. Ye can lam annything ye have a mind to in that
there siminary an' now they '11 have a coorse in lyin*. Th'
earnest youth in sarch iv a career in life 11 be taught lyin'
individjally an' in classes, lyin' be ear an* be note, lyin' in
th' home an' lyin' to th' public, lyin' autymatically, th'
lie di-rect, th' lie injanyous, th' lie with th' hand, th' lie
with th' eye, th' r-ready fake, th' bouncer, th' stiff, th' con,
th' bunk, th' poetic lie, th' business lie, th' lie imaginative,
th' brassy lie, th' timid lie, th' white lie, th' pathriotio or
red-white-an'-blue lie, th' lovin' lie, th' over-th'-left, th'
cross-me-heart, th' hope-to-die, histhry, political economy
an' mathematics. They'll be a post gradyate coorse in
perjury f r th' more studyous an' whin th' hon'rary degrees
is given out, we '11 know what LL. D. manes."

87

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

" Sure, they dou't need to larn people lyin'," said Mr.
Hennessy.

" Well, no, faith, that 's thrue," said Mr. Dooley. " Here
am I with no more iddycation thin ye cud write on th'
back iv a postage stamp an' as fluent an' r-ready a liar as
e'er a pro-fissor or gradyate iver tur-med out be an Insti-
choot iv Mendacity. That's what I am. I'm a bom
liar. As th' pote that Hogan spouts has said : ' I lisped
in falsehood, f r th' falsehood came.' I cud lie befure I
cud speak or walk. Fr ivry lie I got found out in an'
whaled f r, I told forty that niver was r-run down. I Ve
lied steadily through life an' here I am in me green ol' age
— though not as old as manny wudmake out — lyin' with-
out th' aid iv glasses. Thry me. Ask me how much wather
there is in that bar'l — if ye dare! Ye 're a liar too,
Hinnissy."

" What 's that ? " shouted Mr. Hennessy.

" Keep cool," said Mr. Dooley. *^ I *m not referrin' to
what I heerd ye tell ye'er wife about th' pay check or that
story iv ye'ers about th' big man ye bate in th' Halsted
sthreet car. But th' clothes on ye'er back is a lie or at
laste an' equivocation or a hand-me-down, an' th' smile ye
greet me with is no more thin half on th' square an' th'
well-it 's-glad-I-am-to-see-ye rally manes ye 're sorry ye
came. All th' wurruld is busy deceivin' its neighbor an'
itsilf. Th' poor are .poor because they are poor liars an'

88

On Lying

th' rich ar-re men that've accuiuylated a large stock iv
non-assissable^ inthrest-bearin' lies or inherited th' same
fr'm their indulgent an' mendacyous fathers. That 's what
they tell me.

'* An' what is a lie, tell me ? I cud answer mesilf if I
always knew what th' thruth was, me boy. A good
manny iv th' whoppers I tell ye is th' raysult iv thryin' to
take a short cut to th' thruth an' bringin' up just this side
iv perjury. Some things that look like lies to me to-day
will -seem all r-right in th' prisidential year. I lie a good
manny times fr'm kindness, more often fr'm laziness, an'
most often fr'm fear. Some iv th' boldest liars I iver met
wud 've been thruthful men if they 'd dared to be. Th'
most uncommon form is th' malicyous liar an' th' manest
is th' just liar. Manny men lie because they like con-
versation an' they feel they can't impress th' man they're
talkin' with without pilin' it on. I 've lied at times to be-
guile th' hours away. I niver deceived annywan half so
much as I have mesilf. If I did n't do it wanst in awhile,
I 'd feel so poor an' depraved, I cudden't go on in busi-
ness. Now I wondher if R Binjamin wud call thim good
purposes. Sure, if a lie 's a good thing anny purpose ye
may have in lyin' will look good to ye an' if 'tis a bad
thing, th' purpose '11 seem good annyhow. I think a lie
with a purpose is wan iv th' worst kind an' th' mos'
profitable. I 'm more iv a spoortin' liar thin he is if I lie

89

Mr. Dqolefs Opinions

fr pastime. I wud lie to get a frind out iv throuble or
an inimy in, to save me counthry, if 't was not surrounded
already be a devoted band iv heroic liars, to protict me
life or me property, but if annybody ast me how I done it,
I M lie out iv it.

" Father Kelly says th' pro-fissor is all r-right. He says
his theery is a good wan but he don't think it fits a Bap-
tist CoUedge. 'Twas held be some lamed men iv our
own kind an' 't was all r-right fr'm thim. 'T was th' doc-
thrine iv a saint, but he was n't lookin' f r anny Standard
ile money. An' Father Kelly says 'tis an unsafe doc-
thrine to, thrust to anny wan but a saint. He says th'
thruth or something akelly good, something that will wash,
is intinded f r ord'n'ry people. On'y a good man can be
a liar. An' Father Kelly says he 's niver seen a man good
enough to get a di-ploma fr'm him to lie f r anny purpose,
good or bad, to tell white lies or green. If he lies, he 's
got to take his chances. I said : * What wud ye do if ye see
a frind iv ye'ers pursued be a murdherer an' th' murdherer-
that-was-to-be ast ye which way he 'd turned ? ' 'I cud-
den't hear him,' he says. ' I 'd be too far up th' alley,' he
says. ' Lyin' in th' circumstances,' he says, * wud indicate a
lack iv prisince iv mind,' he says. ' It often does,' he says."

"Sure, a lie's a lie,' said Mr. Hennessy. "I always
know whin I 'm lyin*."

"So do I," said Mr. Dooley.

90

DISCUSSES PARTY POLITICS

di

DISCUSSES PARTY
POLITICS

" T WONDHER," said Mr. Hennessy, " if us dimmy-

I crats will iver ilict a prisidint again."

"We wud," said Mr. Dooley, "if we cud but get
an illegible candydate."

" What 's that ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

"An illegible candydate," said Mr. Dooley, "is a
candydate that can't be read out iv th' party. 'T is a joke
I med up. Me frind Willuin J. Bryan reads th' Commoner
to thim an' they pack up their bags an' lave. They 'se as
manny dimmycrats out iv th' party as they are in, waitin'
on th' durestep to read thimsilves back an' th' other la-ads
out. Th' loudest r-reader wins.

" No, sir, th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms
with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go
into a sthreet car an' set in opposite corners while wan
mutthers * Thraiter ' an' th' other hisses ' Miscreent ' ye can
bet they 're two dimmycratic leaders thryin' to reunite th'
gran' oF party. 'Tis on'y th' part iv th' party that can't

93

Mr, Doolefs Opinions

r-read that's thrue to th' principals iv Jefferson an'
Jackson.

" Me frind Willnm J. is not a candydate. He 's illegible
as an editor but not as a candydate. Annyhow^ he don't
want it or at laste he don't want to want it an' not get it.
All he asks is some good man^ some thried an' thmsty
dimmycrat that can lead th' party on to gloryous victhry.
But he can't find him. Ye say Hill ? Well, me frind •
Willum J. was ast to ask me frind David Binnitt to go out
f 'rto make a speech at a dimmycratic bankit on th' thradi-
tions iv th' dimmycratic party, Hill bein' wan iv thim an' wan
iv th' worst. * Gintlemen,' says Willum Jennings, ' I admire
David Binnitt Hill. No wan,' he says, ' is a second to me
in affection f 'r that gr-reat an' good man,' he says. ' I
shall niver fail in me devotion to him till,' he says, ' th'
place heals up where he sunk th' axe into me in ninety-
six. But,' he says, * I cannot ask him to speak at ye'er
bankit. I cannot bear to hear him talk. Ivry time he
opens his mouth I want to put me fut into it,' he says.
' Moreover,' he says, ' if ye ask him I '11 take me meal at
home,' he says, * f 'r th' sight of that gallant dimmycrat
turns me fr'm food/ he says. So that ends Hill. We
can't go with anny wan that our sainted leader can't ate
an egg with without sin.

" Well, thin, who 've we got ? They 'se me frind Bill
Whitney. He won't do because th' bookmakers niver get

94

Discusses Party Politics

up on iliction day in time to vote. A thousan' to wan
again Whitney, his opponent to carry th' audjiotoroom on
his back. They 'se me frind Charlie Towne, th' unsalted
orator iv th' zenith city — "

"Thraitor," said Mr. Dooley.

" He has got some money," said Mr. Dooley reflectively.
" I see in th' pa-apers he says they 'se now enough to go
ar-round — enough f'r him to go ar-round, Hinnissy.
He 's a thraitor. I wisht I cud afford to be wan. Well,
what d'ye say to Gonnan? They'se a fine, sthraight-
forward, honest, clane, incorruptible man. Ye put him
alone in a room with th' raytums an' ye can go out an'
gather bar'ls fr th' bonefire. Ye won't have him, eh?
Oh, he knifed th' ticket, did he ? Secretly ? Oh, my, oh,
my I Th' villain. Down goes Gorman. Well, let me see,
let me see ; who 've we got ? I cud think iv a good manny
that cud captain a ball team, but whin I come to silictin a
candydate f'r prisidint ivry man I think iv is ayther a
thraitor or wan that th' thraitors wudden't vote fr.
If we don't get th* thraitor vote we 're lost. They 'se me
frind Siuitor Jim Jones. A good man. He won't do, ye
say ? Nigger counthry ? Oh, aye. We can't take a candy-
date fr'm th' same part iv th' counthry that th' votes
come fr'm. Ye 're r-right. There 's Altgeld ? Prooshen ?
Thrue. Aggynal — ? Iv coorse not. Schley ? He may
be doin' time f'r disorderly conduct an' assault with a

95

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

deadly weepin be that time. Charier Haitch? What
wud a man that's been mayor iv Chicago do with an
infeeryor job like th' prisidincy? Tom Johnson? A
sthreet car platform ain't broad enough f 'r th' party.
Dockery ? It sounds too much like th' endin' iv a comic
song. An' fr'm Missoury too. Fuller? Another thraitor,
an* what 's worse, a judge. Well, there 's Cleve — .' Hoi'
on there, don't ye throw it. Put down that chair, I
tell ye.

" Ye 're hard to suit, Hinnissy. I 've named thim all
over an' taken me life in me hand with half iv thim an'
lost me repytation f 'r common sinse be mintionin' th*
others. Whin I lead a man in through wan dure ye read
him out iv another an' throw th' book afther him. I 'm
thryin' to find a man to uphold th' banner so that ye
can march shouldher to shouldher an' heart to heart, to
mimrable victhry an' ivry time I mintion th' name iv wan
iv ye'er fellow dimmycrats ye make a face. What ar-re ye
goin' to do ? Ye might thry advertisin' in th' pa-apers.
'Wanted : A good, active, inergetic dimmycrat, sthrong iv
lung an' limb ; must be in favor iv sound money, but not
too sound, an' anti-impeeryalist but f *r holdin' onto what
we've got, an inimy iv thrusts but a frind iv organized
capital, a sympathizer with th' crushed an* downthrodden
people but not be anny means hostile to vested inthrests ;
must advocate sthrikes, gover'mint be injunction, free

96

Discusses Party Politics

silver^ sound money^ greenbacks^ a single tax^ a tariff f 'r
rivinoo^ th' constitootion to follow th' flag as far as it can an'
no farther, civil service rayform iv th' la-ads in oflBce an' all
th' gr-reat an' gloryous principles iv ourgr-reat an'gloryous
party or anny gr-reat an' gloryous parts thereof. He must
be akelly at home in Wall sthreet an' th' stock yards, in
th' parlors iv th' r-rich an' th' kitchens iv th' poor. Such
a man be applyin' to Malachi Hinnissy, Ar-rchey r-road,
an' prisintin' rif rences fr'm his last party, can get good
emplyment as a candydate f 'r prisidint, with a certainty
aftherward iv a conganial place as public r-reader an' party
bouncer.' Ye might get an answer."

'^ Oh, well, we '11 find some wan,' said Mr. Hennessy
cheerfully.

"I guess," said Mr. Dooley, ''that ye 're right about
that. Ye '11 have a candydate an' he '11 have votes. Man
an' boy I've seen th' dimmycratic party hangin' to th'
ropes a score iv times. I 've seen it dead an' burrid an' th'
raypublicans kindly buildin' a monymint f r it an' preparin'
to spind their declinin' days in th' custom house. I 've
gone to sleep nights wondhrin' where I 'd throw away me
vote afther this an' whin I woke up there was that crazy-
headed ol' loon iv a party with its hair sthreamin' in its
eyes, an' an axe in its hand, chasin' raypublicans into th'
tall grass. 'Tis niver so good as whin 'tis broke, whin
rayspictable people speak iv it in whispers, an' whin it haa
7 97

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

no leaders an' on*j wan principal, to go in an' take it away
fr*m th' other fellows. Something will turn up, je bet,
Hinnissy. Th* raypublican party may die iv overfeedin* or
all th' leaders pump out so much ile they won't feel like
leadin'. An' annyhow they 'se always wan ray iv light
ahead. We're sure to have hard times. An' whin th'
la-ads that ar-re baskin' in th' sunshine iv prosperity with
Andhrew Camaygie an' Pierpont Morgan an' me friend
Jawn D. finds that th' sunshhie has been turned off an'
their fellow-baskers has relieved thim iv what they had in
th' dark, we 'II take thim boys be th' hand an' say : ' Come
over with ye'er own kind. Th' raypublican party broke
ye, but now that ye 're down we'll not turn a cold
shoulder to ye. Come in an' we'll keep ye — broke.'

" Yes, sir, ye 'II have a candydate. If worst comes to
worst I '11 offer mesilf again."

" It wud be that," said Mr. Hennessy. *' But ye ain't
—what — d'ye — call — it?"

'' I may not be as illegible as some," said Mr. Dooley,
" but I 'd get as manny votes as others."

98

rHE TRUTH ABOUT SCHLEY

99

The

rRUrH ABOUT SCHLET

" TF they'se wan thing I'm prouder iv thin another
I in me past life/' said Mr. Dooley, " 't is that whin
me counthry called me to go to th* Spanish war, I
was out. I owe me rayspictibility an' me high standin'
among me fellow men to th' fact, Hinnissy, that where th'
shot an* shell fell thickest, I was n't there. If I had anny
childher, th' proudest title iv fame, as Hogan says, I cud
hand down to thim'd be that I niver see th' shores iv
Cubia. * Childher,' I 'd say, ' ye 'er pah-pah's life was
not entirely free fr'm crime. He had his triflin' faults,
was something iv an embezzler, a little iv a safe blower
an' occasionally a murdhrer. He dhrank too much an'
bate ye'er poor mother that now is dead, or wud if she
iver lived, but wan thing he niver did. He niver took
a hand in th' war in Cubia. There ar-re no dents on his
armor plate.' I 'd have Congress sthrike medals f r th'
absentee hayroes: 'To Martin Dooley f 'r not bein' prisint
at th' battle iv Sandago,' or, 'In reconition iv gallant
absence fr'm th' battle iv Manila. Sweet an' proper it is

101

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

to remain at home fr wan's counthry ! ' Be hivins, Hin-
nissy, if a man 's brought up befure a judge on a chai*ge iv
larceny, th' coort says: 'Anny prevyous convictions?'
*No/ says th* polisman. 'Five years,' says th' judge.
' But he was a hayro iv th' Cubian war.' ' Make it life/
says th' judge.

" First they was Hobson. He kissed a girl an' ivrybody
says : ' Hang him. Kill th' coal-scuttler.' Tliin they was
Dewey. He got marrid an th' people was f r makin'
mathriniony a penal ofBnce. Ye raymimber Gomez. Ye
recall, Hinnissy, how th' corryspondints used to poke
their way to th' jungle where he set makin' his simple
meal iv th' leg iv a scorpyon an' a piece iv sugar cane, an'
offer him th' freedom iv th' city iv Noo York whin th' war
was over. Well, he wint to Noo York las' week, this
George Wash'n'ton iv th' Ant Hills. He was met at th'
ferry-boat be a rayporther that twishted his head around
to take a phottygraft iv liim an' called him * Manny' an'
said he looked like Mike Feely, th' aldherman iv th' third
ward, on'y darker. A comity iv seegar makers waited
on him an' ast him to jine their union, an' that was all th'
honors he had. Freedom iv th' city, says ye ? Oh, he got
that, an' all iv that. He was free to go an* come without
annybody payin' anny attintion to him. He was as free
as th' air, because th' polis did n't know him. If they 'd
known, he might 've been locked up.

102

"The "Truth About Schley

" An' now it 's Schley's turn. I knew it was comin' to
Schley an' here it comes. Ye used to think he was a gran'
man, that whin ol' Cerveera come out iv th' harbor at
Sandago called out ^ Come on, boys/ an' plunged into th'
Spanish fleet an' rayjooced it to scrap-iron. That 's what
ye thought^ an' that 's what I thought, an' we were wrong.
We were wrong, Hinnissy. I've been r-readin' a thrue
histhry iv th' campaign be wan iv th' gr-reatest historyians
now employed as a clerk in th' supply stores iv th'
Brooklyn navy yard. Like mesilf, he 's a fireside vethran
iv th' war. He's a mimber iv th' Martin Dooley Post
No. 1, Definders iv th' Hearth. He 's th' boy f r ye. If
iver he beats his sugar scoop into a soord, ye '11 think ol'
Farragut was a lady cook on a lumber barge. Says th'
historyian: 'Th' conduck iv Schley durin' th' campaign
was such as to bring th' bright blush iv shame to ivry man
on th' pay roll iv our beloved counthry. 'T is well known
that whin ordhered be th' gallant Jawn D. Long to lave
Hampton Roads, he thried to jump overboord an' swim
ashore. He was chloryformed an' kep' undher hatches till
th' ship was off th' coast iv Floridy. Whin he come to,
he fainted at th' sight iv a Spanish ditchnry an' whin
a midshipman wint by with a box iv Castile soap, he fell
on th' deck writhin' in fear an' exclaimed : " Th' war is
over. I'm shot." Off Cyenfoogoose, he see a starvin'
reconcenthrado on th' shore an' cried out : " There 's Cer-

103

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

veera. Tell him to come on boord an' accept me soord/'
He was knocked down be a belayin' pin in th* hands iv th'
gunner's mate an' carried to Sandago. Whin th' catiff
wretch an' cow'rd see brave Cerveera comin' out iv th'
harbor^ he r-run up th' signal: "Cease firin'. I'm
a prisoner." Owin' to th' profanity iv dauntless Bob
Ivans, which was arisin' in a dark purple column at th'
time, Cerveera cud not see this recreent message an'
attimpted to r-run away. Th' American admiral followed
him like th' cow'rd that he was, describin' a loop that I 'd
dhraw f r ye if th' head book-keeper 'd lind me a pincil an'
rammin' th' loway, th' Matsachoosetts an' th' Oregon.
His face was r-red with fear an' he cried in a voice that
cud be heard th' lenth iv th' ship : " He don't see th'
signal. I 've surrindered, Cerveera. I 'm done. I quit.
I 'm all in. Come an' take me soord an' cut off me
buttons. Boys, fire a few iv thim eight-inch shells an'
atthract his attintion. That was a good wan. Give him
some more. R-run alongside an' ram him if nicissry*
Rake him fore an' aft. There goes his biler. Now,
perhaps he '11 take notice. Great hivins, we 're lost !
He's sinkin' befure we can surrinder. Get out me divin'
shoot, boy, an' I '11 go afther him an' capitulate. Oh, war
isatur-rble thing!" I have attimpted to be fair with
Admiral Schley. If I 'm not, it 's his own fault an' mine.
I can on'y add that 't is th' opinyion iv all th' boys in th'

104

The Truth About Schley

store that he ought to be hanged^ drawn, quarthered^ burnt
at th' stake an' biled in oil as a catiff^ cow'rd an' thraitor.
' T is a good thing f r th' United States that me frind
Sampson come back at th' r-right moment an' with a few
well-directed wurruds to a tillygraft operator^ secured th'
victhry, 01' Loop-th'-loops was found lyin' head first in
a coal bunker an' whin pulled out be th' legs exclaimed^
"Emanuel, don't shoot me. I'm a Spanish spy in

"So they've arristed Schley. As soon as th' book
come out th' Sicrety iv th' Navy issued a warrant again
him, chargin' him with victhry an he 's goin' to have to
stand thrile f r it. I don't know what th' punishment is,
but 't is somethin' hard f r th' offinse is onus'l. They 're
sure to bounce him an' maybe they '11 give his job to
Cerveera. As far as I can see, Hinnissy, an' I cud see as
fer as me fellow vithran Maclay an' some nine hundherd
miles farther, Emanuel is th' on'y wan that come out iv
that battle with honor. Whin Schley was tliryin' to give
up th' ship, or was alongside it on a stagin' makin' dents
in th' armor plate with a pick-axe, Sampson was oflF
writin' letters to himsilf an' Bob Ivans was locked in
a connin' tower with a life prisoner buckled around his
waist. Noble ol' Cerveera done nawthin' to disgrace his
flag. He los' his ships an' his men an' his biler an' ivry-
ihing except his ripytation. He saved that be bein'

105

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

a good Bwinimer an' not bein' an officer iv th' United
States Navy."

"I shud think ScMey'd thry an' prove an allybi/* Mr.
Hennessy suggested pleasantly.

'' He can't/' said Mr. Dooley. <^His frind Sampson's
got that."

106

FJME

107

8ta

■ pet

1^'

FAME

'"/np^IS a gr-raift imjciptioD tiiey do be gmn'

I BiTan down in Xew York stnte," said Mr.

Henneasy.

'' Afine imycipCion f r adimmjcni in New Toik state,''

said Mr. Dodey, ^ is that he 'a not dangnnonalj wounded.

Annything short iv death is r^arded as a fiindly an'

inthrested raydption, an' a mild kind iv death, like safl^ca-

tion be chloroform^ wnd be considhered a rayspictfiil hearin'.

AU ye can say abont Willnm Jennings Bryan's rayciption

is that he got by Wall sthreet without bein' stoned to

death with nnggets fr'm th' goold resarve. Annyhow,

what ar-re ye dhraggin' pollytics into this peacefal abode

f 'r, Hinnissy ? Is n't it bad enough f 'r me to have to

stand here all day long listenin' to sihrangers rayjoocin'

th' canstitootjnal qnesttons now befure th' people to

persooal insult without havin' me (rinds makin' me nights

miserable with chatther about th' fleetin' problems iv th'

^ ' ^* votes is as good as cast an' counted. Ayether

is rooned or its rooned. An' it ain't, anny-

we ar-re delivered over hand an' foot to

109

i*\we X

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

th' widdies au' orphans that Ve had thrust stocks sawed off
on thim be th' exicutors, or th' gover'mint abandons a policj
iv brutal^ crool, murdhrous conquist iv th' cow'rdlj assassins
iv th' land iv etamal sunshine an' shadow. Two weeks
fr'm today we '11 be ayether neglectin' to pay our debts in
th' standard money iv th' nations iv th' earth or in a de-
based an' wretched cienage that no wan has iver got
enough iv. An' what th' diwle diff'rence does it make,
me boy ? Th' momin' afther iliction, 't is Hinnissy to th'
slag pile an' Dooley to th' beer pump an' Jawn D. Rocke-
fellar to th' ile can^ an' th' ol' flag floatin' over all iv us if
th' wind is good an' th' man in charge has got up in time
to hist it. Foolish man, th' fun'rals don't stop f r ilic-
tions, or th' christenin's or th' weddin's. Be hivins, I
think th' likes iv ye imagines this counthry is something
besides a hunk iv land occypied be human bein's. Ye
think it a sort iv an autymobill that '11 run down onless ye
charge it with ye'er particular kind iv gas. Don't ye
expict Hinnissy that anny throop iv angels will dhrop fr'm
Hiven to chop ye'er wood on th' mornin' iv th' siventh iv
Novimber if Bryan is ilicted, an' don't ye lave Jawuny
McEenna think that if th' raypublicans gets in, he '11 have
to put a sthrip iv ile-cloth on th' dure sill to keep pluthy-
crats fr^m shovin' threasury notes undher th' dure. No,
sir ; I used to think that was so — wanst, in th' days whin
I pathronized a lothry. Now I know diff'rent.

110

Fame

" Where '11 they be a hundhred years fr'in now ? Debs
an' Mark Hanna, an' Web Davis, an' Croker an' Bill
Lorimer — where '11 they be ? • I was r-readin' th' other
day about a vote cast be a lot iv distinguished gazabs
through th' counthry f r occypants iv a hall iv fame. A
Hall iv Fame's th' place where th' names iv th' most
famous men is painted, like th' side iv a bar-m where a
little boy writes th' name iv th' little girl he loves. In a
week or two he goes back an' rubs it out. But in this
matther 't was detarmined to lave out th' question to a lot
iv sthrong la-ads an' have thim vote on it an' on'y th'
dead wans iligeable. I r-read th' list today, Hinnissy, an'
will ye believe me or will ye not, much as I know I
cudden't recall more thin half th' names. George Wash-
'nton was ilicted, ivcoorse, unaminously an' without a con-
tistin' dillygation an' proud he '11 be to larn iv it. Thin
there was Ulyss S. Grant an' Thomas Jeflferson an' Robert
E. Lee. I know all iv thim as though we 'd been raised
in th' same lot. But near all th' others got by me. Wan
man was famous because he made a cotton gin, though th'
author iv more common dhrinks was cut out. Another
man got by th' flag on th' ground that he manyfacthered a
clock. A third passed th' stand because he made a ditch-
nary, which is a book that tells ye how manny diflTrent
things th' same wurrud means. They was potes I niver
r-read an' statesmen I niver heard iv, an' gin'rals I niver knew

111

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

fought, an' invintora iv bluein', an' diBcov'rera iv things
that had been discovered befure an' things that had to be
undiscovered later. An' th' list was as onfamilyar to me
as th' battin' ordher iv th' Worcester ball team iv eighteen
hundhred an' siventy-six. ' Bedad,' says I, ' if this is feme,
I '11 dhraw cards mesilf. Some day whin th' owner iv a
new Hall iv Fame tells th' janitor to climb up an' white-
wash over th' names on th' wall an' make out a new list,
some wan may vote fr th' gr-reat soul that discovered how
to make both ends meet in th' year nineteen hundhred.'
That 's a gr-reat invintion, Hinnissy. Thank th' Lord th'
Standard He Comp'ny has n't got a patent on it.

" What 's fame, afkher all, me la-ad ? 'T is as apt to be
what some wan writes on ye'er tombstone as annything ye
did f 'r ye'ersilf. It takes two to make it, but on'y wan
has much iv a hand. 'Tis not a man's life in wan volume
be himsilf, but his ^ Life ' in three volumes be wan iv his
frinds. An' be th' way th' jury voted fr th' lodgers in
this tiniment house iv fame, manny that cud pay their
scoor at th' desk is left on th' dure step because th'
bunks is filled with th' frinds iv th' managers. I think
I HI hire a large buildin' f r th' rayjicted. I wudden't be
surprised if manny iv th' star boardhers come out iv th'
other Hall iv Fame f r th' conjanial comp'ny in mine.

" Whin ye think iv it, whin ye considher how manny
men have done things or thried to do thim fr wan

112

Fame

huDdhred years in this counthry, an' now whin it comes to
pick th' winners about half th' list is on'y famous to th'
men that voted f r thim, how ar-re ye goin' to figure that
anny iv th' la-ads that ye 're wastin' ye'er lungs f r will bring
up r-right ? A hundhred years fr'm now Hogan may be as
&mous as th' Impror Willum, an' annyhow they'll both
be dead an' that's th' principal ingreejent ivfame. Go
home an' think that over."

118

CROSS-EXAMINATIONS

lis

CROSS-'EXAMINATIONS

MR. DOOLEY put down his newspaper with the
remark ; " They cudden't get me into coort as
a witness; no, sir, not if 'twas to hang me
best frind.

"'Tis hard enough," he said, "with newspapers an'
cinsus officers an' th' mim'ry iv cab dhrivers to live down
ye'er past without bein' foorced to dhrill it in a r-red coat
an' with a brass band ahead befure th' eyes iv th' multi-
tood. I did it wanst ; I II do it no more. Wanst I was
summonsed to appear in th' high temple iv justice where
Timothy Duffy is th' presidin' janius, as Hogan says, to
give me priceless tistymony as to whether th' plumbin' in
Harrigan's house was fitted to hold wather. 'T was me
opinyon, havin' had a handful iv thrumps I held in Harri-
gan's parlor spiled be Lake Michigan dhroppin' through
th' ceilin', that said plumbin' was conthrary to th' laws an'
ordinances iv th' county iv Cook, State iv Illinois, S. S.
made an' provided an' th' same I put on a high hat an' a
long-tailed coat an' left a man in charge iv me business an'
wint down to Halsted Street an' swore to, as solemnly as

117

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

I cud, knowin' that Harrigan wudden't pay th' rent anny-
how. An' what come iv it ? I was two minyits givin' me
tistymony, an' two hours thryin' to convince th' hon'rable
coort — a loafer be th' name iv Dufly — an' th' able jury
that I had n't stolen th' shirt on me back fr'm a laundhry
wagon. Th' coort was goin' to confine me in jail f r life
f r contimpt, th' lawyer f r th' definse sthrongly intimated
that I was in th' neighborhood whin Charlie Ross was
kidnapped an* th' jury ast to be allowed to bring in a ver-
dict iv manslaughter again me without exthra pay. As I
wint out iv th' coort two or three women in large hats
hissed me an' a man at th' dure threatened me with an
umbrelly ontill I made a counther dimonsthration with me
foot. Justice, says ye? I tell ye Hogan 's r-right whin he
says : ^ Justice is blind.' Blind she is, an' deef an' dumb
an' has a wooden leg ! Niver again will they dhraw me to
a coort. I '11 take th' rude justice iv a piece iv lead pipe
without costs or th' r-right iv appeal.

'' Here in th' pa-aper they 'se a piece about a la-ad that
had throuble with his vallay — "

" What 's a vallay ? " Mr. Hennessy interrupted.

" A vallay," Mr. Dooley explained, " is a retired English
gintleman hired be millyionaires who ar-re goin' into bank-
ruptcy to wear their clothes. Naked a millyionaire comes
into th* wurruld an' naked his vallay laves him. Th' val-
lay 's a kind iv a chambermaid that sees that th' millyion-

118

Cross-examinations

aire does n't go to wumik in his night shirt an^ r-reads his
letters. I can't make out what all iv his jooties is. He
nibs th' millyionaire's head an' rubbers on his love affairs,
an' afther awhile laves him an' goes to wurruk f r a society
pa-aper. 'T is an oF sayin' iv Hogan's that no man is a
hero to his vallay. That 's thrue. Th' vallay 's th' hero.

" Well, this millyionaire I 've been r-readin' about, he
had a vallay, an' the vallay lost his eye wondherin' who th'
lady was, an' tliin he dipped too sthrong into th' Floridy
wather an' th' millyionaire bounced him. ' He fired him
out 'Lord Roland,' he says, *go,' he says. 'We've
lived too long together,' he says. 'People can't tell us
apart, we stagger so much alike,' he says. ' I 'm gettin' so
used to ye that I have no fear iv ye,' he says. ' It was
bad enough whin ye give me blue suspinders with me
r-red pantaloons,' he says, ' but,' he says, * whin I asked
f r an orange an' ye brought in th' boot-jack, I felt that we
cud no longer assocyate on terms iv akequality,' he says.
* Ye '11 have to go back to th' House iv Lords,' he says.
An' he fired him out an' wudden't pay him a cint iv wages
he owed him f r th' rest iv his life. So Lord Roland sues
him an' has him in coort.

"Th' millyionaire thrips in thinkin' to himsilf: "Tis
on'y a question iv whether I shall pay this jook what I
promised him or what he ought to ixpict fr'm a millyion-
aire. Do I or do I not owe Lord Ronald eighty-two dol-

119

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

lare f r curry-combin' me in th* nex* dnchry. I '11 lave it
to an intilljgint jury iv honest Americans who have alwajs
buttoned their own shirts, an' r-right wiU conker an' 1 11
keep me money.'

'^ That 's where he was wrong. He had th' same ex-
peryence I had, except mine was a case iv plumbin' an' his
wan iv personal decoration. Afther he explained to th'
jury that he did n't owe Lord Roland annything because
his lordship got a dhroopin* eye fr'm dhrink an' frequently
give him th' same collar ivry week, he was tur-med over
to th' attorney f r th' prosecution, who cross-examined
him.

"'We will pass over th' question iv ye'er financial
relations with me client,' says th' distinguished barristher,
' an' come down to ye'er own private life. To begin with
ar-re ye or ar-re ye not a man iv th' most dissolute
morals ? ' * Answer yes or no,' says th' coort. ' He ad-
mits it,' says th' lawyer. 'Ye were dhrunk in 1892?'
' I can't raymimber,' says th' millyionaire. ' Put it down
that he 's always dhrunk,' says th' lawyer. ' Where did
ye get ye'er money ? Ye don't know ? Th' jury will
take note iv th' fact that he prob'bly stole it. Ye'er father
is dead. Did ye kill him ? I think so. Now that ye
rayfuse to pay Lord Roland what's not comin' to him,
how about ye'er wife ? ' ' My wife isn't in this case,' says
th' prisoner. 'Th' diwle she isn't,' says th' coort. 'I

120

Cross-examinations

want ye to know that ivrybody is in this case. We play
no faVrites. Whin th' clear sunlight iv American justice
is tur-rned loose on a matther iv this charackter nawthin'
can be hid. Go on an' tell us about ye'er wife. Th'
coort wishes to know. Th' coort is human/ says he.
* Isn't it thrue/ says th' lawyer, * that ye'er spouse is pet-
tish an' disagreeable be nature an' that th' colors iv her
hair ar-re not fast, an' that Lord Roland frequently peeked
through th' dure an' seen ye talkin' to her ? Answer me,
ye fiend in human form, don't that lovely golden sheen
upon her locks come out in th' wash? Tell me, mon-
sther, tell th' hon'rable coort that's now leanin' eagerly
over th' bar to catch ivry pint, tell th' jury that wud like
to carry home some s'ciety chit-chat to their own tired
wives, tell this intelligint concoorse iv American citizens
behind me an' th' gallant knights iv th' pen in fr-ront iv
me waitin' to spread th' details to th* wurruld, tell me,
ruffyian, is Hivin or Peroxide iv Hydhrogen th' author iv
th' splendor? Is her complexion her own or fr'm day to
day ? Did ye iver see her befure ye were marrid, an' if so
with whom? An' about th' other women Lord Roland
saw ye with. Were they no betther thin they ought to be
or not as good as they might have been. I can't recall
their names but ye might tell us who they ar-re. Give us
their names. Dhrag th' wretched crathers fr'm their
hidin' places in th' vowdyville theautres an' lave thim to

121

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

sthand in th' clear sunlight iv American justice/ he says^
' an' be smirched/ he says.

'* There was scarcely a dhry eye in th' coort whin th'
lamed counsel concluded. Th' ladies in th' audjeence
applauded furyously as name afther name was brought
forward. Th' judge said that he had th' time iv his life^
an' th' jury afther securin' clippin's iv th' prisoner's wife's
hair raytumed a verdict findin' Mrs. Hard Gold guilty iv
peroxide in th' first degree, without extenuatin' circum-
stances^ an' added a rider recommendin' th' ladies Lord
Roland seen with Hard Gold be tur-med out iv their
lodgin's. It was a gr-reat triumph for th' r-right. It
shows that th' coorts iv our fair land will put down with
a stern hand th' growiu' peroxide vice an' that justice will
find out evil doers — whin they ar-re women — if it has to
take th' bandages off its eyes an' hide in a clothes doset"

" It serves th' man r-right f r havin' wan iv thim vallays
ar-round th' house," said Mr. Hennessy.

** Well, it shows that/' said Mr. Dooley. "An' it shows
th' disadvantages iv wealth. No wan cares to hear what
Hogan calls: ^ Th' short an' simple scandals iv th' poor.' "

122

THANKSGIVING

123

THANKSGIVING

" X ^ THIN I was a young man," said Mr. Dooley,
^y^y " I often heerd Thanksgivin' day alooded to
fr'm th' altar as a pagan fistival. Father
Kelly don't think so. He says 't was founded be th' Puri-
tans to give thanks f r bein' presarved fr'm th' Indyans, an'
that we keep it to give thanks we are presarved fr'm th'
Puritans. In th' beginnin', Hinnissy, 't was a relijous fis-
tival, like dividend day in th' synagogues. Ye see^ th'
Puritan fathers, whose dayscindants mostly live in Kansas
now, had had such a diwle iv a time inthrajoocin' rellijon
an' slavery among th' savage r-red men that they found
huntin' th' wild cranberry in th' neighborhood iv Salem,
Mass., that whin th' job was completed they set apart a
day to thank th' Lord for his opporchune assistance in
their wurruk iv rayformin' th' wumild an' with a few frills
added in th' way iv food th' custom 's been kept up to this
very day. In iv'ry city iv this fair land th' churches is
open an' empty, the fleet anise seed bag is pursooed over
th' smilin' potato patch an' th' groans iv th' dyin' resound
fr^m manny a fut-ball field. We're givin' thanks that

125

THANKSGIVING

" X IT THIN I was a yoang man/' said Mr. Dooley,
^y^y " I often heerd Thanksgivin' day alooded to
fr'm th' altar as a pagan fistival. Father
Kelly don't think so. He says 't was founded be th* Puri-
tans to give thanks f r bein' presarved fr'm th' Indyans, an*
that we keep it to give thanks we are presarved fr'm th'
Puritans. In th' beginnin', Hinnissy, *t was a relijous fis-
tival, like dividend day in th' synagogues. Ye see, th'
Puritan fathers, whose dayscindants mostly live in Kansas
now, had had such a diwle iv a time inthrajoocin' rellijon
an' slavery among th' savage r-red men that they found
huntin' th' wild cranberry in th' neighborhood iv Salem,
Mass., that whin th' job was completed they set apart a
day to thank th' Lord for his opporchune assistance in
their wurruk iv rayformin' th' wurruld an' with a few frills
added in th' way iv food th' custom 's been kept up to this
^ery day. In iv'ry city iv this fair land th' churches is
^n atf empty, the fleet anise seed bag is pursooed over
ch an' th' groans iv th' dyin' resound
field. We're givin' thanks that
125

THANKSGIVING

" X ^ THIN I was a young man," said Mr. Dooley,
^y^ " I often heerd Thanksgivin' day alooded to
fr'm th' altar as a pagan fistival. Father
Kelly don't think so. He says 't was founded be th' Puri-
tans to give thanks fr bein' presarved fr*m th' Indyans, an'
that we keep it to give thanks we are presarved fr'm th*
Puritans. In th' beginnin', Hinnissy, 't was a relijous fis-
tival, like dividend day in th' synagogues. Ye see, th'
Puritan fathers, whose dayscindants mostly live in Kansas
now, had had such a diwle iv a time inthrajoocin' rellijon
an' slavery among th' savage r-red men that they found
huntin' th' wild cranberry in th' neighborhood iv Salem,
Mass., that whin th' job was completed they set apart a
day to thank th' Lord for his opporchune assistance in
their wurruk iv rayformin' th' wumild an' with a few frills
added in th' way iv food th' custom 's been kept up to this
very day. In iv'ry city iv this fair land th' churches is
open an' empty, the fleet anise seed bag is pursooed over
th' smilin' potato patch an' th' groans iv th' dyin' resound
fr'm manny a fut-ball field. We're givin' thanks that

125

THANKSGIVING

" X ^ THIN I was a yoang man/' said Mr. Dooley,
^y^y " I often heerd Thanksgivin' day alooded to
fr'm th' altar as a pagan fistival. Father
Kelly don't think so. He says 't was founded be th' Puri-
tans to give thanks fr bein' presarved fr'm th' Indyans, an'
that we keep it to give thanks we are presarved fr'm th'
Puritans. In th' beginnin', Hinnissy, 't was a relijous fis-
tival, like dividend day in th' synagogues. Ye see, th*
Puritan fathers, whose dayscindants mostly live in Kansas
now, had had such a diwle iv a time inthrajoocin* rellijon
an* slavery among th* savage r-red men that they found
huntin* th' wild cranberry in th' neighborhood iv Salem,
Mass., that whin th' job was completed they set apart a
day to thank th' Lord for his opporchune assistance in
their wurruk iv rayformin* th' wurruld an' with a few frills
added in th' way iv food th' custom 's been kept up to this
very day. In iv'ry city iv this fair land th' churches is
open an' empty, the fleet anise seed bag is pursooed over
th' smilin' potato patch an' th' groans iv th' dyin' resound
fr'm manny a fat-ball field. We're givin' thanks that

125

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

we 're presarved fr'm hunger, fr^m thirst, fr'm free silver,
fr'm war an' pestilence an' famine an' each other. But
don't ye frget it, Hinnissy, 'tis none iv these things we
really give thanks fr. In our hearts we're grateful fr
on'y wan blessin' an' that 's on Thanksgivin' day we get
th' first good crack iv th' season at th' Turkey bur-rd
an' his r-runnin' mate, ol' Uncle Cranberry Sauce. Ye
bet ye.

" Annyhow, seein' that the iliction come out th' way it
did an' this counthry ain't goin' to be handed over to th*
likes iv ye, we ought to cillybrate Thanksgivin' if necess'ry
with achin' hearts. I 'm always in favor iv givin' thanks —
f r annything. 'T is a good habit to get into. * Thank ye
kindly,' is betther thin ' bad cess to ye,' annyhow. Even
whin I sneeze I say : ' Gawd bless us kindly,' an' f r th'
slender blessin' iv livin' at all I say * Praise be.' So we
ought to be thankful. We have a big counthry an' 't is
growin' bigger an' we ought to be thankful f r that, an'
pray that it may stop growin' in width ' an' grow a little
more in height. Th' farmer is thankful he has a good
crop an' I 'm thankful I 'm not a farmer. Ye cud always
find room f r thanks that ye 're not some wan else, if ye
cud know how th' other fellow feels. A few days ago I
wud 've said that I 'd like to be the Czar iv Rooshia but
I wudden't trade places with him to-day if he 'd throw in
th' Kingdom of Boolgahrya to make th' thrade good,

126

Thanksgiving

Crowned though he is^ he lies on his back while a trained
nurse pipes hot milk an' limon juice into him, while I go
across th' sthreet an' hurl into me dimmycratic frame two
furlongs iv corned beef an' a chain iv cabbage. Me
timp'rature is normal save whin I'm asked fr money.
Me pulse bates sivinty to th' minyit an' though I have
patches on me pantaloons, I 've ne'er a wan on me intes-
tines. (I touch wood to keep off bad luck.) No, I
wudden't be th' Czar iv Rooshia. An' I wudden't be th*
Impror Willum. I'm thankful I'm not th' Impror iv
Chiny, whoiver he is or whereiver he is. I'm thankful
I 'm not John D. Rockyfellar, f r I know I can't get his
money an' he thinks he can get mine, an' I '11 fool him.
I'm thankful I ain't Prisident Tiddy, fr whin me day's
wurruk is done, I can close up th' shop, wind th' clock an'
go to sleep. If th' stars an' moon don't shine, if th' sun
don't come up, if th' weather is bad, if th' crops fail or th'
banks bust or Hinnissy ain't illicted director iv th' roUin'
mills, no wan can blame me. I done me jooty. Ye can't
come to me an say: 'Dooley, th' north star wasn't at
wurruk last night — what have ye done with it?' Or
'Look here, Dooley, what ails ye sindin' rainy weather
befure th' hay is cut ? ' 'No sir,' says I. ' I promised ye
nawthin' but five cints worth iv flude exthract iv hell fr
fifteen cints an' ye got it. I'm not responsible fr th'
vagarios iv th' ilimints. If I was I 'd be sellin' umbrellys^

127

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

not rum/ I says. But th' prisidint can't escape it He
has to set up at night steerin' th' stars sthraight, hist th'
sun at th' r-right moment^ turn on th' hot an' cold fassit,
have rain wan place, an' fr-rost another, salt mines with
a four years' supply iv goold, thrap th' mickrobes as they
fly through th' air an' see that tin dollars is akelly divided
among wan hundherd men so that each man gits -thirty
dollars more thin anny other. If he can't do that he 's
lible to be arrested th' first pay day f r obtainin' money be
false pretences. So I 'm thankful I 'm not him.

" But I 'm always thankful f r these things. Be thank-
ful, fr what ye have not, Hinnissy — 'tis th' on'y safe rule.
If ye 're on'y thankful fr ye'er possissions ye'er supply
won't last a day. But if ye 're thankful f r what others
have, an' ye have not, an' thankful ye have n't it, all th'
wurruld conthributes to ye'er gratichood. Ye set here
like a poor box in th' back iv th' church an' iv'rybody
dhrops in his bad money an' swells ye.

"But as I told ye, Hinnissy, afther all, th' Turkey
bur-rd 's th' rale cause iv Thanksgivin'. He 's th' naytional
air. Abolish th' Turkey an' ye desthroy th' tie that binds
us as wan people. We 're wan race, hitched together be
a gr-reat manny languages, a rellijon apiece, thraditions
that don't agree with each other, akel opporchunities f r
th' rich an' poor, to continue bein' rich an' poor, an' a
common barnyard food. Whin iv'rybody in a nation eats

128

Thanksgiving

th' same things that all th' others eats^ ye can't break tHim
up. Talk about th' dove iv peace 1 Th' Turkey makes
him look like a game cock. Can I help ye, Mr. Hinnissy ?
White or dark? Th' leg^ p'raps, or maybe th' part that
goes over th' "

"Some iv us," said Mr. Hennessy, gloomily, "some iv
us will be atin' another kind iv bur-rd this fall."

"Ye 're wrong there, me la-ad," said Mr. Dooley.
"Ye 're wrong there. Ye 're wrong. They'se no such
thing as crow. Thanks^vin' day comes too quick afther
iliction. We 're all r-ready f r th' blackest crow that ivver
dimmycrat ate an' we have our noses in th' air. An' thin
we look down, an' lo an' behold I 'tis Thanesgivin'
Turkey."

129

ON THE MIDWAY

181

ON THE MIDJVAY

" T TOL' ye wanst," said Mr. Dooley, " that f r wan
I man that goes to a wurruld's fair to see how boots
is made, they'se twinty goes to see th' hootchy-
kootchy, an* that's where th' wan lands fin'Uy. 'Tis so.
There was a time, Hinnissy, whin people was inthrested
in th' cannin' iv fruit an' how lamp chimblies is blowed.
I know a frind iv mine wint to th' Cintinyal in Philydel-
phy an' los' th' use iv his legs thravelin* fr'm th' display iv
mohair shawls to th' mannyfacthry iv open -face watches.
An' he thought he'd had a good time. He cudden't
make a watch, lave alone buy wan, anny more afther he 'd
seen thim made thin whin all he knew about thim was
seein' thim hangin' in th* window iv a pawnshop. ' How
ar-re they made ? ' says I. * Well,' says he, * wan man
sets at a machine that makes th' wheels/ he says, ' an'
another man at a machine that makes th* case,' he says,
' an' so on, an' whin all th' parts ar-re complete,' he says,
' they 're put together be another man an' there ye ar-re,'
he says. 'An' there I am,' says I. 'An' that's how
watches is made, is it? ' says I. ' Well, I know a more

133

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

gin'rally undhershtud way in makin' a watch thin that/
says I. 'How's that?* says he. * Whin th' man that
owns it isn't lookin',' I says.

"'Twas so at Chicago. They showed me a printin'-
press, an' I believed thim. They pinted out rocks an'
said goold was made fr'm thim, an' I niver winked an eye.
They took me down an' faced me again th' wondhers iv
arts an' science an' commerce an' human ingenooity an'
says : ' Behold,' says they, ' what man is doin' f r himsilf.
Th' pant that wanst took wan man eight days to complete
is now hurled out at th' rate iv a thousan' a minyit be yon
vast machine,' says they. ' That gr-reat injine over there
is thransformin' th' hog iv commerce into th' butther iv th'
creamery,' they says. ' Come an' see th' threshin'-machine
an' th' hydhraulic pump an' th' steam-shovel,' says they,
'an' have th' time iv ye'er life,' they says. 'No,' says I.
' I seen enough f r a day iv pleasure,' I says, ' an' now I
think I '11 back up fr'm th' wondhers iv science an' lane
me fevered brow again a tower iv Pilsener beer in 01'
Vienny,' I says. ' Take me,' I says, ' to th' Midway,' I
says, 'fr th' gr-reatest wurruk iv human ingenooity is
human bein's an',' I says, 'they're all there,' I says.
' Whin that machine larns to blow " Ich vise nix vas alius
bediten " on a horn, an' th' other wan can dance to th'
music iv a tom-tom, I '11 come back an' ask if I can't buy
thim something,' I says. ' In th' manetime/ says I, ' 't is^

134

On the Midway

ho I f r th' Sthreets iv Cairo/ I says. An' I wint. An* so
goes ivrybody.

'^ ' T is no wondher that my clothes is made be machin-
ery. Th' on'y wondher is that I can get thim afther
they 're made. Th' printin'-press is n't wondherful. What 's
wondherful is that anuybody shud want it to go on doin'
what it does. Ye can't dazzle me with th' cotton-gin or
th' snow-plow or th' ice-machine or th' inkybator. Says I
to th' iuvintors an' th' machinists : * Wnrrnk away/ I
says, *at forge an' anvil/ I says. *Wurruk ont ye'er
devices iv human an' almost diabolical ingenooity/ I says.
' Hammer away in ye'er overhalls an' show what mechani-
cal science can do/ I says, ^ an' bring th' finished pro-duct
to me/ I says. ' If 't is good an' I have th' money, I '11
buy it,' I says. * Ye '11 find me at th' cool table near th'
dure, an' ye'U recognize me because I '11 have me finger in
th' air signalin' th' kellner,' says I.

"An' there ye ar-re. There ar-re no wondhers iv
science, or if there ar-re anny they 're too wondherful to be
undhershtud be anny wan but those wurrukin' at thim f r
two dollars a day. I know they tell me that at th' Pan-
American show in the city iv Bufialo th' ilicthric light is
made be Niag'ra Falls. Between you an' me, Hinnissy, I
don't believe wan wurrud iv it. It don't stand to reason.
What goes over thim falls? Wather. An' how in th'
wurruld can wather make lights ? Now, if 't was karo-

135

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

Bene ! But it 's wather that in more civilized communities
they put th' lights out with. But they tell ye they've
harnessed th' falls to light th' fair an' iVry ton iv wather
that goes roariu' down that catarack an' pours through th'
rapids between miles iv smilin' hotels to th' sea, projooces
wan oom iv ilicthricity. An oom, Hinnissy, is about th'
equivalent iv a quart iv th' ilicthrical flood. Does that
sound right? No, faith, it don't. I niver see Niag'ra
Falls, but I don't like to think iv it as a lamp-lighter
tearin' round with a laddher an' a little torch. I don't
believe in makin' light iv th' falls. Ye heerd th' joke.
'Tis mine, Hinnissy. Others made it befure me, but I
made it las'. Th' las' ^ man that makes a joke owns it.
That 's why me frind, Chancy Depoo, is such a humorist.

*' An' I don't care how th' lights ar-re made, annyhow,
whether be th' wather that r-runs over th' falls or be a
man with a monkey-wrench in a power-house. What I 'd
like to see is th' light whin it 's made. Hogan seen it, an'
he says it makes th' moon look like a dark lanthern.
They speak iv th' sun in Buffalo th' way a motorman on a
trolley line wud shpeak iv a horse-car. ' Th' sun is settin'
earlier,' says he to Connors, th' thruckman that was towin'
him. ' Since th' fair begun,' says Connors, ' it has n't
showed afther eight o'clock. We seldom hear iv it nowa-
days. We set our clocks be th' risin' an' settin' iv th'
lights.' Siv'ral people spoke to Hogan about th' lights.

136 >

On the Midway

He says he thought Connors made thim be th' way be
talked, but he come to th' con-elusion that all his frinds
had lint thim to th' fair an' wud take thim home whin
't was over an' put thim up in th' back parlor."

'^ Hogan has been there^ has he ? "

''Faith, he has. He seen it all. He wiut down there
las' week, an' says he befure he left : ' A man,' he says,
' must keep abreast iv th' times,' he says, ' an' larn what
mechanical science is doin' f r th' wurruld,' he says. So
he put his year's earnin's in his vest-pocket an' started f r
Bufialo. Martin Casey's daughter, th' school-teacher, th'
wan that wears th' specs, wint th' nex' day. "Tis a
gr-reat idjicational exhibit,' says she. ' I 'm inthrested in
th' study iv pidigogy.' ' Mary,' says I, ' what 's that ? ' I
says. ' 'T is th' science iv teachin',' she says, ' an' I hear
they've a gr-rand pidigogical exhibit there,' she says.
' I 'm takin' along me note-book an' I will pick up what
bets Petzalootzi, th' gr-reat leader iv our pro-fission, has
over-looked,' she says. She 's a smart girl. She knows
hardly a wurrud that ye'd undhershtand, Hinnissy.
'Well,' says I, 'I hope 'twill make a betther third-grade
teacher iv ye,' I says. 'But if ye miss Petzalootzi an'
wandher into th' Indyan village be chanst,' says I, ' don't
be worrid,' I says. ' A little knowledge iv th' Soos an' th'
Arrypahoos an' their habits,' I says, ' is not a bad thing
f r anny wan that has to larn Chicago childher,' I says.

137

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

" Hogan come back yisterday an' he sat in this very
chair an' toF me about it. ^How was th' arts an'
sciences ? ' says I. 'Fine/ says he. * I tell ye th' wurruld
is makin' gr-reat pro-gress. An' th' Midway 1 Well,
don't say a wurrud.' * Did ye go to th' Agaricoolchooral
Buildin' ? ' says I. * Well, no,' he says. ' I missed that.
Connors was goin' to take me there whin we come fr'm
th' bull-fight, but I got so inthrested in th' struggle be-
tween man an' beast,' he says, ^ an' time flew so fast that
be th' time I got away th' punkins had gone to bed an' th'
agaricoolchooral show was closed,' he says. * But 't is a
fine buildin' on th' outside, an' th' lights is wondherful.
Connors says there 's twinty millyon candle-power iv
lights on that buildin' alone an' he knows, f 'r 't was him
got Niag'ra Falls to do it,' he says. 'They was a fine
show iv machinery ? ' says I. ' They say they has n't been
such a fine show iv machinery since th' shovel was in-
vinted,' says he. * I was on me way there whin I thought
I 'd take a look in on th' Sthreets iv Cairo, an' who d' ye
think I see there ? Ye '11 niver guess. Well, *t was little
Ahmed ah Mamed. Ye raymimber th' small naygur that
dhrove th' roan donkey whin we had a fair ? Yes, sir, he
was there an' he showed me th' whole thing. Not a
wurrud, mind ye, to anny iv me fam'ly. So whin I come
back to see th' machinery, th* dure was locked, an' I had
to catch th' las' car. Oh, but 't is a handsome buildin'.

138

On the Midway

Connors tells me th' lights ' * Niver mind that/

says I. 'How about th' mines^ th' commercial display,
th' good oF stacks iv canned stamps an' ol' docymints that
th' United States govermint is thryin' to enlighten th'
likes iv ye with ? Did you see thim ? ' * I meant to/
says he. * I was on me way fr'm a jug iv malt in an OF
German Village where there 's a fellow plays a picoloo in
a way to make th' man that made it like it, an' I intinded
to have a look at all thim what-d 'ye-may-call-ims whin a
la-ad with a migaphone says right in me ear : '^ I mean
you. This way, please. Raymimber ye may niver have
another chanst. They'se no delay an' no waitin'." An'
says I to mesilf : ''He knows me. Connors toP him how
I stand at home. I can't rayfuse th' honor." An' I wint
in. An' here I am.' ' Ye mus' be an intillechool jint be
this time/ I says. ' I know more thin I did/ says he, ' an'

thim lights iv Connors ' ' Did ye see Mary Casey ? '

says I. 'I did/ says he. 'Where?' says I. 'On a
camel/ says he. 'Was she with Petzalootzi ? ' says I.
'With who?' says he. 'With Petzalootzi, th' gr-reat
master iv th' science iv pidigogy,' says I. ' No,' says he.
' I think his name is Flannigan. He used to wurruk f r
th' Mitchigan Cinthral,' says he.

"An' there ye ar-re again, Hinnissy. Ye can believe
me or not, but they 're all alike, man, woman or child. If
I iver give a wurruld's fair, they won't be much to it but

139

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

th' Midway, Th' principal buildin's will be occypied be
th' Sthreets iv Cairo, th' Indyan village, th' shoot-th'-
shoots, th' loop-th' -loops an' similar exhibits iv what man
is doin' not f r mankind but f r himsilf. They '11 all be in
th' main sthreet, an' they '11 be bands playin' an' tom-toms
beatin' an' Egyptian girls dancin' an' ludyans howlin' an'
men hootin' through migaphones fr'm th' minyit ye hand
ye'er ticket to th' chopper at th' big gate. An' away over
in a comer iv th' gr-round in a buildin' as small an' ob-
scure as Alice Benbolt's grave, where no man 'd find it
onless he thripped over it on his way to th' merry-go-
round, I 'd put all th' arts an' sciences I cud pack into it
an' lave th' r-rest outside where they cud wurruk. F'r a
wurruld's fair is no roUin'-mills. If it was, ye'd be paid
f'r goin' there. 'Tis not th' roUin'-mills an' 'tis not a
school or a machine-shop or a grocery-store. 'T is a big
circus with manny rings. An' that's what it ought
to be."

" Why do they get thim up ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

" They get thim up f'r th' advancement iv thought an*
th' gate receipts," said Mr. Dooley. "But they're run
f'r a good time an' a defFycit.

" They tell me th' wan we had give an impetus, what-
iver that is, to archytecture that it has n't raycovered fr'm
yet Afther th' fair, ivrybody that was annybody had to
go to live in a Greek temple with an Eyetalian roof an'

140

On the Midway

bay-windows. But thim that was n't annybody has f rgot
all about th' wooden island an' th' Coort iv Honor^ an'
whin ye say annything to thim about th' fair^ they say :
*D'ye rayraimber th' night I see ye on th' Midway?
Oh, my!"'

" D' ye think, Mr. Dooley, they do a city anny good ?"
asked the practical Mr. Hennessy.

" They may not do th' city anny good, but they 're good
f r the people in it," said Mr. Dooley.

" An' they do th' city good in wan way. If a city has
wan fair, it niver has to have another."

141

MR, CARNEGIES GIFT

143

(

MR, CARNEGIE'S GIFT

" f I ^IN millyon dollars to make th' Scotch a larned
I people," said Mr. Dooley.
-■* " Who done that ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

" Andhrew Carnaygie," says Mr. Dooley. " He reaches
down into his pocket where he keeps th' change an' pulls
up tin millyon bawbies, an' says he : * Boys, take ye'er
fill iv larnin', an' charge it to me/ he says. ' Diwle hang
th' expinse/ he says. ' Th' more th' merryer/ he says.
'A short life an' a happy wan,' he says. * Lara annything
ye like,' he says. 'Name ye'er priference,' he says, 'an'
put it all down to Caraaygie,' he says.

"That's th' way we do it, Andhrew an' me. Whin
other men are chasin' a bit iv loose money to th' corner
iv a little leather purse to make good on a chair or a
foldin* bed iv classical larain', we ordher th' whole furni-
ture store an' have th' bill sint up to th' house. Idjaca-
tion in Scotland has been on th' retail. Th' Scotch
have been goin' in with a bag of oatmeal an' exchangin'
it fr enough larnin' to last over th' night. It's been
hand to mouth with thim f r years. Andhrew an' me pro-
pose f r to buy idjacation f r thim in th' bulk. Profissor,
10 145

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

wrap up tin milljon dollars' worth iv thought an' sind
it to th' Scotch.

"Hinnissy, I don't know what's goin' to happen whin
us American millyonaires begins to unbelt. It used to be
that we niver knew whin we had enough. No matther
how much I made I was hanted be th' fear that I 'd wake
up in th' morniii' an' find it all gone an' me with a pair of
overalls on runnin' up a laddher with a box iv mortar on
me neck. Whin ye run in an' paid me th' three millyon
dollars ye owed, I was afraid to put it in a dhrawer f r
fear ye might come back afther I was gone, an' I did n't
want to carry it in me pocket f r fear I 'd lose it, an* if I
stuck it in a bank an' see th' prisidiut ridin' in a cab, a
chill wint up me back an' I dhreamed that night iv mesilf
with a dinner-pail undher me arm pikin' off to th' rollin'
mills just befure th' sun come up. But ye get used to
money just as ye get used to poverty, Hinnissy, though
niver as much used to it, fr'm th' lack iv companions, an'
there come a time whin I did n't know what to do with it
I cudden't give it back to th' men I got it fr'm. They
wudden't take it. Manny iv thim ar-re dead. Besides, *t is
again me system. I *ve got into th' habit iv makin' it, but
not into th' habit iv spindin' it. I can't buy things with
it, f r there 's nawthin' I 've lamed how to buy that won't
make money f r me. I can't give it to th' poor because if
they had it they wudden't be poor anny longer. Besides no

146

Mr. Carnegie s Gift

wan ought to be poor in this land hr opporchnuity. As th'
pote sajBy OppcMchonity knocks at inr man's dure wanst
On some men's dares it hammers till it breaks down th*
dure an' thin it goes in an' wakes him up if he 's asleep,
an' iver aftherward it wnrmks f r him as a night-watch-
man. On other men's dares it knocks an' runs awaj,
an' on th' dares vf some men it knocks an* whin thej
come out it hits thim over th' head with an axe. But
ivrywan has an opporchunity. Th' poor ar-re people
that 've been out at wurruk whin opporchunity knocked.
I can't do annythiug f r thim. Th' poor must n't be pauper-
ized. But I must do something to get rid iv th' accumu-
lations iv roly boly that 's grajally crushin' out me young
life, so I buys a university to play with.

" Th* day whin we millyonaires bought yachts an' brown
stone houses with mansard roofs onto thim an' were proud
iv bavin' thim has gone by, Hinnissy. 'T will not be long
befure none will be so poor as not to own a private yacht,
an' th* nex' time a Coxey army starts f r Wash'nton, it'll
ride in a specyal vestibule thrain. What was luxuries a
few years ago is mere necessities now. Pierpont Morgan
calls in wan iv his office boys, th* prisidint iv a naytional
bank an' says he, 'James,' he says, Hake some change
out iv th* damper an' r-run out an' buy Europe f r me,* he
says. ' I intind to re-organize it an' put it on a paying
basis,' he says. ' Call up th* Czar an' th* Pope an' th'

147

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

Sultan an' th' Impror Willum, an' tell thim we won*t need
their sarvices afbher nex' week/ he says. ' Give thim a
year's salary in advance. An', James/ he says, * Ye befc-
ther put that r-red headed book-keeper near th' dure in
charge iv th' continent. He doesn't seem to be doin'
much/ he says. Ye see, Hinnissy, th' game has got
so much bigger since we first made our money that if
Jay Gould was to come back to earth with some iv th'
plays we used to wondher about, he'd feel like an old
clothes man. So, 'tis nawthin' strange whin Jawn D.,
or Andhrew, or mesilf, buys a string iv universities
an' puts in tin millyons to teach th' young idee how to
loot. Befure long we'll be racin' thim. I don't know
but what 't is th' finest kind iv spoort th' wurruld has iver
heerd about.

'^ Father Kelly don't think as much iv it as I do. He
was in here las' night, an* says he : * Ye can't buy idjaca-
tion f r people/ he says. * If ye cud, th' on'y man in th'
wurruld that knew annything wud be Jawn D. Rockefeller/
he says. ' Idjacation,' he says, ' is something that a man
has to fight f r an' pull out iv its hole be th' hair iv its
head/ he says. 'That's th' reason it's so precious/ he
says. 'They'se so little iv it, an' it's so hard to get/ he
says. * They 'se anny quantity iv gab that looks like it,
but it ain't th' rale thing,' he says. 'Th' wurruld is full
iv people wearin' false joolry iv that kind/ he says, ' but

14S

Mr. Carnegie^ s Gift

afther they Ve had it f r a long time^ it tur-rns green an'
blue, an* some day whin they thry to get something on it, th'
pawnbroker throws thim out. No, sir, idjacation means
throuble an' wurruk an' worry, an' Andhrew Carnaygie
himsilf is th' on'y wan I know that 's been able to pick
it up in th' brief inthervals between wan dollar an' an-
other,' he says. ' Th' smartest man in my day at th' Col-
ledge iv th' Sacred Heart was a la-ad who used to come
to school with a half a dozen biled potatoes in an ol' news-
paper, an* sawed wood all evenin' to pay fr his larnin'.
Annything that boy lamed, he lamed, ye bet. Ivry line iv
Latin he knew riprisinted a stick iv wood, an' belonged to
him. 'T was n't borrowed at th' back dure iv a millyon-
aire. He knew more thin anny man I iver see, an' he 's
now at th' head iv wan iv th' best little wan room schools
in Du Page County,' he says. ' Andhrew Carnaygie 's tin
millyons won't make anny Robert Burns,* he says. 'It
may make more Andhrew Carnaygies,' says I. 'They'se
enough to go round now,' says he.

'•I don't know that he's right. I don't know fr sure
that Father Kelly is r-right, Hinnissy. I don't think it
makes anny diflTerence wan way or th' other how free ye
make idjacation. Men that wants it '11 have it be hook
an' be crook, an' thim that don't ra-aly want it niver will
get it. Ye can lade a man up to th' university, but ye
can't make him think. But if I had as much money as I

149

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

said I had a minyit ago, I 'd endow a barl iv oatmeal f r
ivry boy in Scotland that wanted an idjacation, an' lave it
go at that. Idjacation can always be bad, but tbey'se
niver enough oatmeal in Scotland."

" Or Homestead," said Mr. Hennessy.

" Or Homestead," said Mr. Dooley.

150

THE CRUSADE AGAINSr
VICE

151

THE CRUSADE AGAINST
VICE

""▼ "TICE," said Mr. Dooley, "is a creature of such
%/ heejous mien, as Hogan says, that th' more ye
see it th' betther ye like it. I 'd be afraid to
enther upon a crusade again vice f r fear I might prefer it
to th' varchbus life iv a rayspictable liqour dealer. But
annyhow th' crusade has started, an' befure manny months
I'll be lookin' undher th' table whin I set down to a
peaceful game iv solytaire to see if a polisman in citizens'
clothes ain't concealed there.

"Th* city iv Noo York, Hinnissy, sets th' fashion iv
vice an* starts th' crusade again it. Thin ivrybody else
takes it up. They 'se crusades an' crusaders in ivry hamlet
in th' land an' places that is cursed with nawthin' worse
thin pitchin' horseshoes sinds to th' neighborin' big city f r
a case iv vice to suppress. We 're in th' mist iv a crusade
now, an' there is n't a polisman in town who is n't thremblin'
f r his job.

153

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

^^As a people, Hinnissy, we're th' greatest crusaders
that iver was — fr a short distance. On a quarther mile
thrack we can crusade at a rate that wud make Hogan's
frind, Godfrey th' Bullion look like a crab. But th'
throuble is th* crusade don't last afther th' first sprint.
Th' crusaders drops out iv th' procission to take a dhrink
or put a little money on th' ace an* be th' time th' end iv
th' line iv march is reached th' boss crusader is alone in
th' job an' his former followers is hurlin' bricks at him
fr'm th' windows iv policy shops. Th' boss crusader
always gets th' double cross. If I wanted to sind me
good name down to th' ginerations with Cap. Kidd an'
Jesse James I'd lead a movement fr th' suppression iv
vice. I wud so.

" Ye see, Hinnissy, 't is this way : th' la-ads ilicted to
office an' put on th' polls foorce is in need iv a little loose
change, an' th' on'y way they can get it is to be negotyatin'
with vice. Tammany can't raise anny money on th'
churches; it won't do fr thim to raid a gints' furnishin*
sthore fr keepin' disorderly neckties in th' window.
They've got to get th' money where it's comin' to thim
an' 't is on'y comin' to thim where th' law an' vile human
nature has a sthrangle holt on each other. A polisman
goes afther vice as an officer iv th' law an' comes away as
a philosopher. Th' theery iv mesilf, Hogan, Croker, an'
other larned men is that vice whin it's broke is a crime

154

The Crusade against Vice

an' whin it's got a bank account is a necessity an' a
luxury.

'^ Well, th' la-ads goes on usin' th' revised statues as a
sandbag an' by an' by th' captain iv tb' polis station gets
to a pint where his steam yacht bumps into a canoe iv tb'
prisidint iv th' Standard He Comp'ny an' thin there 's th'
diwle to pay. It's been a dull summer annyhow an'
people ar-re lookin' f r a change an' a little divarsion, an'
somebody who does n't raymimber what happened to th'
last man that led a crusade again vice, gets up an', says
he : ' This here city is a very table Sodom an' it must be
cleaned out/ an' i\Tybody takes a broom at it. Th'
churches appints comities an' so does th' Stock Exchange
an' th' Brewers' Society an' afther awhile other organiza-
tions jumps into th' fray, as Hogan says. Witnesses is
summoned befure th' comity iv th' Amalgamated Union iv
Shell Wurrukers, th' S'ciety f r th' Privintion iv Good
Money, th' Ancient Ordher iv Send Men, th' Knights iv
th' Round Table with th' slit in th' centhre; an' Spike
McGlue th' burglar examines thim on vice they have met
an' what ought to be done tow'rd keepin' th' polis in
nights. Thin th' man that objects to canary bur-rds in
windows, sthreet-music, vivysection, profanity, expensive
fun'rals, open sthreet cars an' other vices, takes a hand an'
ye can hear him as well as th' others. Vice is th' on'y
thing talked iv at th' church socyables an' th' mothers'

155

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

meetin's ; 't is raysolvcd be th' Insomnya Club that now 's
th' time to make a flyin' wedge again th' diwlish burdj
gurdy an' meetiu's are called to burn th' polis in ile f r not
arrestin' th' criminals who sell vigitables at th' top iy their
lungs. Some wan invints an anti-vice cocktail. Lectures
is delivered to small bodies iv preachers on how to detect
vice so that no wan can palm off countherfeit vice on thim
an' make thim think 't is good. Th' polis becomes active
an' whin th' polis is active 't is a good time f r dacint men
to wear marredge certy-ficates outside iv their coats.
Hanyous monsthers is nailed in th' act iv histin' in a shell
iv beer in a German Garden ; husbands waits in th' polis
station to be r-ready to bail out their wives whin they 're
arrested f r shoppin' affcher four o'clock ; an' there 's more
joy over wan sinner rayturned to th' station thin f r ninety
an' nine that 've rayformed.

" Th' boss crusader is bavin' th' time iv his life all th'
while. His pitcher is in th' papers ivry mornin' an' his
sermons is a directhry iv places iv amusement. He says
to himsilf ' I am improvin' th' wurruld an' me name will go
down to th' ginerations as th' greatest vice buster iv th'
cinchry. Whin I get through they won't be enough crime
left in this city to amuse a sthranger fr'm Hannybal
Miasoury i'r twinty minyits,' he says. That's where he's
wrong. Afther awhile people gets tu-ed iv th' pastime.
They want somewhere to go nights. Most people ain't

166

The Crusade against Vice

vicious, Hinnissjy an' it takes \ice to hunt vice. That
accounts fr polismen. Besides th* horse show or th' foot-
ball games or something else excitin' divarts their attintion
an' wan day th' boss crusader finds that he's alone in
Sodom. ^ Vice ain't so bad afther all. I notice business
was betther whin 't was rampant,' says wan la-ad. * Sure
ye 're right,' says another. *I haven't sold a single pink
shirt since that man Markers closed th' faro games/ says
he, ^Th' theaytre business ain't what it was whin they
was more vice/ says another. * This ain't no Connecticut
village/ he says. 'An' 'tis no use thryin' to inthrajooce
Boomchury ligislation in this impeeryal American city/ he
says, * where people come pursooed be th' sheriff fr'm ivry
corner iv th' wurruld,' he says. ' Ye can't make laws f r
this community that wud suit a New England village/ he
says, 'where/ he says, 'th* people ar-re too uncivilized to
be immoral/ he says. * Vice,' he says, ' goes a long way
tow'rd makin' life bearable,' he says. ' A little vice now
an' thin is relished be th' best iv men,' he says. ' Who 's
this Parkers, annyhow, intherferin' with th' liberty iv th'
individooal, an'/ he says, ' makin' it hard to rent houses
on th' side sthreets,' he says. ' I bet ye if ye invistigate
ye '11 find that he 's no betther thin he shud be himsilf/ he
says. An' th' best Parkers gets out iv it is to be able to
escape fr'm town in a wig an' false whiskers. Thin th'
captain iv th' polls that 's been a spindin' his vacation in

157

(

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

th' disthrict where a man has to be a Rocky Mountain
sheep to be a polisman, returns to his old place, puts up
his hat on th' rack an' says, ' Garrity, if annybody calls ye
can tell him to put it in an anvelope an' leave it in me
box. An' if ye've got a good man handy I wisht ye'd
sind him over an' have him punch th' bishop's head. His
grace is gettin' too gay.'

" An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' crusade is over an'
Vice is rampant again. I'm afraid, me la-ad, that th'
frinds iv vice is too sthrong in this wurruld iv sin fr th'
frinds iv varchue. Th' good man, th' crusader, on'y
wurruks at th' crusade wanst in five years, an' on'y whin
he has time to spare fr'm his other jooties. 'Tis a pastime
fr him. But th' definse iv vice is a business with th'
other la-ad an' he nails away at it, week days an' Sundays,
holy days an' fish days, mornin', noon an' night*'

" They ought to hang some iv thim poUyticians," said
Mr. Hennessy angrily.

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I don't know. I don't
expict to gather calla lillies in Hogan's turnip patch.
Why shud I expict to pick bunches iv spotless statesmen
fr'm th' gradooation class iv th' house iv correction."

168

rHE NEW YORK CUSTOM
HOUSE

169

THE NEJV YORK CUS-
TOM HOUSE

•I I " I did n't know he 'd iver been away/' said
Mr. Hennessy.

" Oh, he has that/' said Mr. Dooley. " He 's been
makin' what Hogan calls th' gran' tower. He 's been to
New York an' to Cork an' he see his rilitives, an' now he's
come home f r to thry to get even. He had a gran' time,
an' some day I'll get him in here an' have him tell ye
abont it."

"Did he bring annything back ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

"He started to/' said Mr. Dooley. "Befure he left
Queenstown he laid in a supply iv th' stimulant that 's
made th' Irish th' finest potes an' rivolutionists an' th'
poorest bookkeepers in th' wurruld, an' a dozen or two
iv blackthorn sticks f r frinds iv his on th' polls. He had
a most tumulchuse v'yage. There was a man played th*
accorjeen all th' way acrost. Glad he was to see th'
pleasant fields iv Noo Jarsey an' th' sthreet clanin' dcpart-
" 161

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

ment's scows goin' out to sea, an' th' la-ad fr'm th' health
boord comin' aboord an' askin' ivrybody did they have
th' small pox an' was they convicts. There was a Rooshian
on th' boat that 'd been run out iv Rooshia because he cud
r-read, an' people thought he was gettin' r-ready to peg
something at th' Czar, an' Hannigan an' him got to be
gr-reat frinds. As they shtud on th' deck, Hannigan
banged him on th' back an' says he: *Look,' he says
with th' tears r-runnin' down his cheeks. He was wanst
in th' ligislachure. 'Look,' he says, *ye poor down-
throdden serf,' he says. ' Behold, th' land iv freedom,' he
says, * where ivry man's as good as ivry other man,' he
says, ' on'y th' other man don't know it,' he says. ' That
flag which I can't see, but I know 't is there,' he says,
' floats over no race iv slaves,' he says. ' Whin I shtep
oflF th' boat,' he says, ' I '11 put me box on me shouldher,'
he says, ' an' I '11 be as free as anny man alive,' he says,
' an' if e'er a sowl speaks to me, I '11 give him a dhrink
out iv th' bottle or a belt with th' blackthorn,' he says,
' an' little I care which it is,' he says. ' A smile f 'r those
that love ye, an' a punch f 'r those that hate, as Tom
Moore, th' pote, says,' he says. 'Land iv liberty,' he
says, 'I salute ye,' he says, wavin' his hat at a soap
facthry. ' Have ye declared yet ? ' says a man at his
elbow. 'Declared what?' says Hannigan. 'Th' things
ye have in th' box,' says th' man. 'I have not/ says

J62

The New Tork Custom House

Hannigan. * Th' contints iv that crate is sacred between
me an* mesilf/ he says. ' Well/ says th* man, * Ye 'd
betther slide down th' companyion way or stairs to th'
basement iv th' ship an* tell what ye know,' he says, ' or
'tis mindin' bar'ls at th' pinitinchry ye '11 be this day
week,' he says.

" Well, Hannigan is an Irish raypublican that does what
' he 's told, so he wint downstairs an' there was a lot iv
la-ads sittin' ar-round a table, an' says wan iv thim:
* What 's ye'er name, Tim Hannigan, an' ar-re ye a citizen
iv this counthry ? ' * Well, Glory be to th' saints ! ' says
Hannigan, 'if that ain't Petie Casey, th' tailor's son.
Well, how ar-re ye an' what ar-re ye doin' down here ? '
he says. ' I 'm a customs inspictor,' says th' boy. ' 'T is
a good job,' says Hannigan. ' I thried f r it wanst mesilf,
but I jined th' wrong or-gan-ization,' he says. \ Step out
an' have a dhrink,' he says. 'I've a bottle iv Irish
whiskey in my thrunk that'd make ye think ye was
swallowin' a pincushion,' he says. 'Sh-h,' says Petie
Casey. 'Man alive, ye '11 be in th' lock-up in another
minyit if ye don't keep quite. That fellow behind ye is a
mannyfacthrer iv Irish whiskey in Bleecker Sthreet an'
he's hand in glove with th' administhration,' he says.
'Well, annyhow,' says Hannigan, 'I want to give ye a
blackthorn shtick f 'r ye'er father,' he says. ' Lord bless
me sowll' says th' boy. 'Ye '11 lose me me job yet.

163

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

That fellow with th' r-red hair is th' principal Bahway
dealer in blackthorns. His name is Schmidt, an' he's
sint down here f 'r to see that th' infant industhries it
Rahway don't got th' worst iv it fr'm th' pauper labor iv
Europe/ he says. With that^ th' chief inspictor come up
an' says he : * Misther Hannigan/ he says, * On ye'er
wurrud iv honor as an Irish gintleman an' an American
citizen/ he says, ^ have ye annything in that box that ye
cud 've paid more f 'r in this counthry ? ' ' On me wurrud
iv honor/ says Hannigan. ' I believe ye/ says th' chief.
' Swear him. Ye know th' solemnity iv an oath. Ye do
solenmly swear be this an' be that that ye have not been
lyin' all this time like th' knavish scoundhrel that ye wud
be if ye did/ he says. ' I swear/ says Hannigan. ' That
will suffice/ says th' chief. ' Ye look like an honest man,
an' if ye 're perjured ye'ersilf, ye '11 go to jail,' he says.
' Ye 're an American citizen an' ye wudden't lie,' he says.
' We believe ye an th' sicrety iv th' threeasury believes ye
as much as we wud oursilves,' he says. ' Go down on th'
dock an' be searched,' he says.

'* Hannigan says he wint down on th' dock practisin'
th' lock step, so he wudden't seem green whin they put
him in f 'r perjury. I won't tell ye what he see on th'
dock. No, I won't, Hinnissy. 'T is n't annything ye ought
to know, onless ye 're goin' into th' dhry goods business.
Hannigan says they had n't got half way to th' bottom iv

164

The New Tork Custom House

th' thrunks aa' there was n't a woman fr'm th' boat that
he 'd dare to look in th' face. He tur-rned away with a
blush an' see his wife an' childher standin' behind th'
bars iv a fence an' he started f 'r thim. * Hoi' on there,'
says a polisman. * Where are ye goin' ? ' he says. * To
see me wife, ye gom,' says Hanuigan. ' Ye can't see her
till we look at what ye 've got in th' box,' says th' copper.
* Ye 'er domestic jooties can wait ontil we see about th'
others,' says he. *Ye're a prisoner,' says he, 'till we
prove that ye ought to be,' he says. With that Mrs. Han-
nigan calls out: 'Tim,' she says, 'Pah-pah,' she says.
' Ar-re ye undher arrest ? ' she says. ' An' ye promised
me ye wudden't dhrink,' she says. 'What ar-re ye
charged with ? ' she says. ' Threason,' says he. ' I wint
away fr'm home,' he says. 'But that's no crime,' she
says. ' Yes it is,' says be. 'I come back,' he says.

" With that another inspictor come along an' he says ;
*Open that thrunk,' he says. 'Cut th' rope,' he says.
' Boys, bring an axe an' lave us see what this smuggler
has in th' box,' he says. 'What's this? A blackthorn
cane 1 Confiscate it A bottle iv whiskey. Put it aside
f 'r ividence. A coat I Miscreent 1 A pair iv pants \ Ye
perjured ruffyan ! Don't ye know ye can get nearly as good
a pair iv pants f'r twice th' money in this counthry?
Three collars ? Hyena I A bar iv soap. An' this man
calls himself a pathrite 1 Where did ye get that thrunk ?

166

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

It looks foreign. I '11 take it Open ye'er mouth. I '11
throuble ye f r that back tooth. Me man/ he says^ ^ Ye
have taken a long chanst,' he says^ ' but I won't be hard
on ye. Ye '11 need clothes/ he says. ' Here 's me card/
he says. ' I 'm an iiispictor iv customs on th' side^ but
th' govermint really hires me to riprisint Guldenheim
an' Eckstein, shirt makers, be appintmint to th' cabinet,
an' Higgins an' Co., authors iv th' Durable Pant A good
pant. If ye want annything in oiir line, call on our store.
No throuble to take money.'

'^ Hanuigan wint out an' found Honorya an' th' childher
had gone off f 'r to get a bondsman. Thin he tur-rned an'
called out to th' inspictor : * Look here, you ! ' ' What
is it?' says th' man. * Ye missed something/ says Han-
nigau. * I was tattooed in Cork/ he says. ' Stop that
man,' says th' head iv a ladin' firm iv tattooers an' prisidint
iv th' society f 'r th' Protection iv American Art, If Such
There Be. ' Stop him ; he 's smugglin' in foreign art I '
he says. But Hannigan bate him to th' sthreet car. An'
that was his welcome home.

" * Call me Hanniganoffski/ says he las' night. ' I 'm
goin' to Rooshia/ he says. * F 'r to be a slave iv th' Czar ? '
says I. 'Well,' says he, Mf I've got to be a slave,' he
asys, * I 'd rather be opprissed be th' Czar thin be a dealer
in shirt waists,' he says. ' Th' Czar ain't so bad,' he says.
' He don't care what I wear undhemeath/ he says.'*

166

The New Tork Custom House

" Oh, well, diwle mend Hannigan," said Mr. Hennessy.
"It's little sympathy I have f'r him, gallivantin' off
acrost th' ocean an' spindin' money he arned at home.
Annyhow, Hannigan an' th' likes iv him is all raypublicans."

" That 's why I can't make it out," said Mr. Dooley.
" Why do they stick him up ? Maybe th' sicrety iv th'
threeasury is goin' in to what Hogan calls th' lingery
business an' is gettin' information on th' fashions. But I
wondher why they make thim swear to aflBdavits."

" 'T is wrong," said Mr* Hennessy. " We 're an honest
people."

" We are," said Mr. Dooley. *' We are, but we don't
know it."

167

SOME POLITICAL
OBSERVATIONS

169

SOME POLITICAL
OBSERVATIONS

w

AS ye iver in Noo York ? " asked Mr. Dooley.
"I wint through there wanst," said Mr.

" Well, ye 're lucky 't was ye done th' goin' through/'
said Mr. Dooley. " 'T is not th' expeeryence iv most iv
our westhren plutocrats. But it must be th' fine place
f r pollytics. 'Tis manny years since I took an active part
in that agrable game beyond stickin' up th' lithygrafts iv
both th' distinguished lithygrafters that was r-runnin' f 'r
office in me front window. But if I had a little liquor
store down in Noo York, I 'd be in pollytics up to me
chin. I wud so. Out here th' floaters is all bums. Down
there th' floaters ar-re all mimbers iv th' Club. Out here
we have to pay thim two dollars apiece at important ilic-
tions f 'r aldhermen an' wan dollar whin some minor officer
like prisidint is bein' ilicted. Down there all we have to
do is whistle in fr-ront iv a rayform club. Out here a
man that often changes his shirt don't often change his

171

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

pollytics. A man 's in th' same party till he takes th'
broad jump — an' sometimes aftherward, f'r most iv th'
people in this ward wud die befure they 'd be burrid be a
raypublican undertaker. Down there a man has a r-right
to change his mind if he has a mind to change it^ d 'ye
mind^ Hinnissy.

"An' 'tis down there th' boys gets a clutch on th'
green. A Chicago pollytician in Noo York wud be like
a short change man from a dime museem box-office at a
meetin' iv th' Standard ile comp'ny. Ye 've seen thim out
here at th' con-vintions with their tall bonnets on th' side
iv their heads, swallow-tail coats ivry night, * Boy, a pail
iv champagne.' Oh, th' fine men I Whin I re-read about
thim in th' pa-apers, I think I 'm in fairy land. What th'
diwle do they care f'r anny wan ? Th' back iv th' hand
an' th' sowl iv th' fut to wan an' siv'ral Divry, Carroll,
'Tim' Soolyvan, Moxy Freeman, — splindid men with
money to throw at th' bur-rds, but th' game law in force.
Fine sthrong American citizens, an Jew men, with their
hand on th' pulse iv the people an' their free forearm again
th' wind-pipe. Glory be, why have n't we their likes
here?

"An' Croker. They 'se th' boy f'r me money, or wud
be if he knew that I had it. He's th' boy f'r anny man's
money. He knows th' game. They 'se as much diff 'rence
between th' hand-shakin', ' What '11-ye-have-boys ' pollytics

172

Some Political Observations

an' th' rale article as there is between checkers an' murdher.
He 's lile to his frinds, but he has no frinds. He 's con-
sistent but he ain't obstinate. He 's out f r th' money an'
he don't care who knows it if they 've had a part iv it
thimsilves. He 's larned that they 'se a fam'ly enthrance to
th' bank as well as to th' saloon. He started in life
thinkin' all men was as bad as himsilf but expeeryence has
con-vinced him they ar-re worse. He *s larned that men
can talk thimsilves to death an' he 's willin' to let thim do
it. He 's heerd iv th' bonds iv love an' frindship an
feelty but he prefers a cash forfeit. He 's me ideel states-
man, so far. I won't change till I find wan that can keep
on gettin' it an' not cut it up with annywan. Thin I '1'
turn me pitcher iv Croker to th' wall an' paint out his
minichoor that I wear over me heart.

** He don't stay in this counthry much, an' I don't
blame him. He goes over to England wliiniver he wants
to an' ye bet he ain't down in th' basemint iv th' ship
listenin' to th' Eyetalyan playin' on th' accorjeen. No
sir. An' whin he gets to England, he don't sleep in th'
park. Ye bet ye. He 's got th' adjinin' house to th'
Jook iv Cornwall an' him an' th' king can be seen anny
hour iv th' afternoon on th' verandah iv th' Tower iv
London talkin' it over. Well, manetime, th' people at
home they begin to have delusions about thimsilves.
They begin to think they're loose whin 'tis on'y that

173

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

th' chain 's leothened. Somebody tells thim about vice
an' they say, 'By Jove, let's suppress it.' Rayformers,
Hinnissy, is in favor iv suppressin' ivrything, but rale
pollytii^iaus believes in suppressin' nawthin' but ividince.
A meetin' iv th' Assocyation iv Dealers in Roochin' is
called, an' th' chairman declares that th' time has come to
rid th' city iv th' neefaryous despot who is desthroyin' all
our liberties. 'But,' says he, 'th' inimy is sthrong an'
well organized,' he says. 'He is a shrewd an' raysoorce-
fiil foe. I move,' he says, 'that 'tis th' sinse iv this
meetin',' he says, ' that we proceed to be strong an' well
organized an' a shrewd an' raysoorceful foe too. Th' ayes
have it. I now propose as our candydate f 'r mayor,
Doctor Doocetray, pro-fissor iv Greek an' Latin in th'
Univarsity. I am informed be me shippin' clerk that
there ar-re manny Greeks an' Latins in whativer-th'-divvle
he calls th' sthreet he lives in an' th' pro-fissor can hand
it to thim in their own language. With this gallant leader
at th' head iv our ticket, we can be assured iv a success
that will mane that all corruption undher two-dollars an'
all unlisted vice will be fearlessly punished. So let us,'
he says, ' to our wurruk. I promise ye that th' mornin' iv
Decimber sixth, which I am informed be th' sicrety is
iliction day, will find me th* first man to vote at Newport
to crush out this octopus which is sthranglin' our noble
city,' he says. ' Dillygates,' he says, 'will be furnished

174

Some Political Observations

with slips iv pa-aper tellin' what precint they lire in be
th' man at th' dure/ he says.

*' An* th* campaign opens. A gr-reat manny organiza-
tions rallies ar-round th' standard iv th' Pro-fissor Dooceace.
They'se th' Why-was n't-Dinnis- J.-O'Shaughnessy-
nommynated-p'r-sheripp Assooyation an' th' Can't-
Cassidy-break-in Assooyation, an' th' Nawthin'-has-

OOME-THIS-WAY-SO-HERE-GOES ASSOCYATION, an' th'

Ain't-th'-Germans-qoin'-to-get-annything-an'-rid-
DER AssocYATiON. They 'se anny quantity iv orators — an'
none is so con-vincin' as Tityrus T. Wooley. If annywan
speaks iv a dimmycrat or a raypublican holdin' a job he
feels faint. His side whiskers curls up at th' suggestion
iv vice. Thousands goes to hear his clane cut, incisive
orations agin th' crool an' despotic reign iv Tamm'ny.
Afther Tityrus T. Wooley gets through talkin' they 'se not
a man in th' party wud take an office onless he 'd voted
again his own candydate f'r prisidint at laste twic't
Baypublicans goes home an' burns up th' letther Abraham
Lincoln wrote their fathers, an' dimmycrats speak iv
Jefferson an' Jackson undher their breaths. They'se
pitchers iv Tityrus T. Wooley as th' scoorge iv Croker in th'
pa-apers an ivry time he opens his mouth, th' pool rooms
closes. It begins to look 'as though Tityrus T. Wooley
was not goin' to lave enough iv Tamm'ny Hall f'r a meal
ticket, whin Croker comes home an' hears iv th' troaUe.

175

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

" * Who 's th' worst iv thim ? ' says he. * Wooley/ says
they. * What does he want ? ' ' He 's in favor iv non-
partisanship in pollytics.* ^But what does he want?'
' He 's says that nawthin' will satisfy him but sindin' us
to th' pinitinchry.' *But what does he want?' 'An'
installin' pure minded pathrites in office.' 'But what
does he want ? ' ' An' freeiu' th' city iv th' rule iv corrupt
organizations.' 'I know all that. But what does he
want ? ' An' that night some wan tells Tityrus T. Wooley
he 's goin' to be nomraynated f r mayor. He comes over
to find out about it. 'Misther Wooley/ says th' Main
Thing, ' 't is th' sinse iv th' organization that ye be nomray-
nated f'r mayor.' 'This is very sudden,' says Tityrus.
' I must have time to make up me mind. I will do it
while ye 're r-readin' me letther iv acciptance. Ye will
see 't is sworn to be a nothry public. But I cannot make
anny pledges,' he says. ' We 'd rather not have thim,'
says th' Main Thing. ' We have no manes iv handlin'
glass ware,' he says. ' I will go into office without anny
conditions,' says Tityrus. ' Sure,' says th' Gov'nor. ' Ye '11
find th' conditions on th' desk. Besides,' he says, ' bad as
ye want this job, ye '11 want th' nex' wan worse,' he says.
An' th' nex' day they 'se a letther in th' pa-aper in which
Tityrus T. Wooley announces that as his on'y purpose in
poUytics was to injooce th' ancient an' hon'rable s'ciety to
nommynate a man iv high character an' spotless repyta-

176

Some Political Observations

tion, he feels he can no longer oppose it. That afthernoon
ye can put a dollar on a horse in th' rooms iv th' Wooley
an' Purity League. Yes, sir, they 're gr-reat people, thim
Tamm'ny men."

" How do they do it ? '* asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "nearly all th' most foolish
people in th' counthry an' raanny iv th' wisest goes to
Noo York. Th' wise people ar-re there because th'
foolish wint first. That 's th' way th' wise men make a
livin'. Th' easiest thing in th' wurruld is th' crather
that 's half-on, an' mos' iv th' people down there are jus'
half-on. They'se no more crooked people there thin
annywhere else but they 'se enough that wud be ashamed
to confiss that thoy were n't crooked, to give a majority.
That 's where our la-ads have th' others beat"

" They may slip up," said Mr. Hennessy.

** They 're li'ble to wanst in a while," said Mr. Dooley.
" But 't is wan iv th' chances iv war. A rayformer thries
to get into office on a flyin' machine. He succeeds now
an' thin, but th' odds are a bundherd to wan on th' la-ad
that tunnels through."

M 177

i

YOUTH AND AGE

179

YOUTH AND AGE

" TT SEE that Tiddy — " Mr. Dooley began.

I " Don't be disrayspictful," said Mr. Hennessy.
" I 'm not disrayspictful/' said Mr. Dooley. " I 'm
affictionate. I 'm familyar. But I 'm not disrayspictful.
I may be burned at th' stake f r it. Whiniver annything
happens in this counthry, a comity iv prominent business
men, clargymen an' coUedge pro-fissors meets an' raysolves
to go out an' lynch a few familyar dimmycrats. I wondher
why it is th' clargy is so much more excitable thin anny
other people. Ye take a man with small side whiskers,
a long coat an' a white choker, a man that wudden't harm
a spider an' that floats like an Angel iv Peace as Hogan
says, over a mixed quartette choir, an' lave annything stir-
rin' happen an' he '11 sind up th' premyums on fire insur-
ance. Lave a bad man do a bad deed an' th' preachers is
all f r quartherin' ivrybody that can't recite th' thirty-nine
articles on his head. If somebody starts a fire, they grab
up a can iv karasene an' begin f r to bum down th' block.
'T is a good thing preachers don't go to Congress. Whin
they're ca'm they'd wipe out all th' laws an' whin they're

181

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

excited, they'd wipe out all th* popylation. They're
niver two jumps fr'm th' thumbscrew. 'Tis quare th*
best iv men at times shud feel like th' worst tow'rd those
between.

"But annyhow, I see that Tiddy, Prisidint Tiddy, —
here's his health — is th' youngest prisidint we've iver
had, an' some iv th' pa-apers ar-re wondherin' whether
he 's old enough f r th' raysponsibilities iv th' office. He
is n't afraid, but a good manny ar^re, that a man iv on'y
forty-two or three, who has n't lost a tooth, an' maybe has
gained a few, a mere child, who ought to be playin' mibs
or * Run, sheep, run,' at Eyesther Bay, will not be able f r
to conduct th' business iv Gover'mint with th' proper
amount iv infirmity. Some day whin th' cab'net hobbles in
to submit a gr-reat quistion iv foreign policy, th' prisidint
'U be out in th' back yard performin' at knock up an'
catch with his sicrety* Whin he wants to see a foreign
ambassadure, he won't sind fr him an' rayceive him
standin* up with wan hand on th' Monroe docthrine an'
th' other on th' map iv our foreign possissions, but will
pull his hat over his eyes an' go ar-round to Lord Ponsy-
foot's house an' whistle or call out, 'Hee-oo-ee/ He'll
have a high chair at th' table an' drink th' health iv his
guests in milk an' wather ; he '11 outrage th' rools iv di-
plomacy be screamin' * fen ivrythings ' whin th' Chinese
ministher calls, an' instead iv studyin' th' histhry iv our

182

Touth and Age

counthry, he 11 be caught in a corner iv th' White House,
peroosin' th' histhry iv Shorty in Sarch iv his Dad. I
suppose we'll have th' usul difiyculties with him, —
makin' him comb his hair an' black th' heels iv his boots
an' not put his elbows on th' table, an' not reach or pint,
an' go to bed afther supper an' get up in time f r breakfast,
an' keep away fr m th' wather an' cut out cigreets an' go
back to his room an' thry behind th' ears. But what can
ye expict fr'm a kid iv forty-two ? "

^^ I wondher sometimes, Hinnissy, whin is a man old
enough. I've seen th' age limit risin' iver since I wint
into public life. Whin I was a young la-ad, a fellow wud
come out iv coUedge or th* rayform school or whativer
was his alma mather, knock down th' first ol' man in his
way an' leap to th' fr-ront. Ivry time school let out,
some aged statesman wint back like Cincinnati to his
farm an' was glad to get there safe. Ye cud mark th'
pro-gress iv youth be th' wreck iv spectacles, goold-headed
walkin' sticks, unrale teeth, an' pretinded hair. Th'
sayin' was in thim days, ol' men f r th' crossin', young
men f r th' cab. Whin ol' age discinded like a binidic-
tion on a man's head, we put a green flag in his hand an'
gave him a good steady job as assistant to an autymatic
gate. Age is gr-reat, Hinnissy, as a flagman. It saves
th' thrucks an' drays iv life fr'm gettin' in th' way iv th'
locymotivee, But it don't stop th' locymotives. They

183

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

come too fast. Fifteen or twinty years hince, whin I
become machure, I can tell ye ivrything nearly ye
ought n't to do but nawthin' ye ought to do.

"In th' ol' days, a man was a man whin he voted — at
twinty-wan in Boston, at eighteen in th' sixth war-rd. I
r-read in this pa-aper that 't was even more so befure me
time. Alexandher th' Gr-reat was on'y foorteen whin he
conkered Boolgahrya, Caesar was jus' fr'm business col-
ledge whin he put Mark Antony out iv th' business.
Frederick th' Gr-reat was in skirts whin he done whativer
he done an' done it well. Fox an' Pitt, if I have th'
names r-right, was in compound fractions whin they wint
into th' council. Why, Hinnissy, I was hardly thirty-five
whin I accipted th' prisidincy iv this establishment with
all its foreign complications an' rivinoo problems ! A man
iv thirty was counted machure, a man iv forty was looked
on as a patriarch an' whin a man got to be fifty, th' fam'ly
put his chair in th' corner an' give him th' back bedroom.
I had it all fixed to make me millyion at thirty an' retire.
I don't raymimber now what happened to me between
twinty-nine an' thirty-wan.

" But nowadays, be hivins, a man don't get started till
he 's too old to riin. Th' race iv life has settled down to
something between a limp an' a hobble. 'Tis th* ol'
man's time. An orator is a boy orator as long as he can
speak without th' aid iv a dintal surgeon ; an actbor is a

184

Youth and Age

boy acthor until he's so old he can't play King Lear with-
out puttiu' a little iv th' bloom iv youth on his cheeks out
iv th' youth jar ; a statesman that can't raymimber what
Bushrod Wash'nton thought about th' Alyen an' Sedition
law belongs in th' nurs'ry. I look ar-round me at th'
pitchers iv gr-reat men in th' pa-aper an' greatness manes
white whiskers. There's no such thing as age. If
Methuselah was alive, he 'd be captain iv a football team.
Whin a man gets to ninety^ he's jus' beginnin' to feel
sthrong enough f r wurruk. Annybody that thries to do
annything befure he's an oncomfortable risk fr th' life
insurance comp'ny is snubbed f r youthful impertinence.
' A new lithry light has appeared on th' lithrachoor hori-
zon. Although on'y eighty-two, his little story iv " An
afthemoon with Prudy " shows gr-reat promise. We hope
he will some day do something worthy iv him.' * Keokuk
H. Higbie has been ilicted prisidint iv th' G. 0. an' L.
system to take th' place iv Lamson N. Griggs who has
become head coach iv th' Cintinaryan Athletic club. Mr.
Higbie has had a meteeyoric career, havin' risen in less
thin eighty years fr'm th' position iv brakeman to be head
iv this gr-reat system. Youth must be sarved.' 'A
vacancy is expicted in th' supreme coort. Misther Justice
Colligan will cillybrate his wan hundherd an' fiftieth birth-
day nex' month an' it is ixpected he will retire. That
august body becomes more an' more joovenile ivry year,

185

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

au' there is danger it will lose th' rayspict iv th' naytion.
Manny iv th' mimbers was not prisint whin th' constitu-
tion was signed an' don't know annything about it.'

" So it goes. Mind ye, Hinnissy, I don't object. 'T is
all r-right in me hand, f r, though far fr'm decrepit, barrin'
th' left leg, I 'm old enough to look down on Prisidint
Tiddy if I did n't look up to him. If I was as old as I
am now whin I was as young as I was befure th' war, I 'd
be shy ivry time I see a man come into th' pasture with a
bag an' an axe. They say rayspict f r oF age is gone out
That may be thrue, but if 'tis so, 'tis because us ol' la-ads
is still doin' things on th' thrapeze. I don't want anny
man's rayspict. It manes I don't count So whin I come
to think it over, I agree with th' pa-apers. Prisidint
Tiddy is too young f r th' office. What is needed is a
man iv — well, a man iv my age. An' I don't know as
I'm quite ripe enough. I'm goin' out now to roll me
hoop."

'* Go on with ye," said Mr. Hennessy. " Whin do ye
think a man is old enough? "

"Well," said Mr. Dooley,"a man is old enough to vote
whin he can vote, he 's old enough to wurruk whin he can
wurruk. An' he's old enough to be prisidint whin he
becomes prisidint If he ain't, 't will age him."

186

ON WALL STREET

187

ON WALL STREET

" ir IT TELL, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see th' Titans
^^%/ iv Finance has clutched each other be th'
^ " throat an' engaged in a death sthruggle.
Oloiy be, whin business gets above sellin' tinpinny nails
in a brown paper comucopy, 'tis hard to tell it fr'm
murther."

" What 's a Titan iv Fi-nance ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

"A Ti-tan iv Fi-nance," said Mr. Dooley, "is a man
that's got more money thin he can carry without bein'
disordherly. They 'se no intoxicant in th' wurruld, Hinnissy,
like money. It goes to th' head quicker thin th' whiskey
th* dhruggist makes in his back room. A little money
taken fr'm frinds in a social way or f r th' stomach's sake
is not so bad. A man can make money slowly an' go on
increasin' his capacity till he can carry his load without
staggerin' an' do nawthin' vilent with a millyon or two
aboord. But some iv these la-ads has been thryin' to
consume th' intire output, an' it looks to me as though
'twas about time to call in th' polls. 'Tis like whin
Scaldy Quiun an' Scrappy Burke, two Titans at rough-an'-

189

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

tumble, comes in here to glory in their strenth over th'
bottle, an' Burke puts up a kag iv beer with wan hand
an' Quinn bets he can toss th' cabur further thin anny
man on th' road, and wan wurrud leads to another, an' all
wurruds leads to a fight. * I 'm th' gr-reatest consolidator
in th' wumild,' says Scaldy Harriman, * I Ve consolidated
th' U. P., th' K. R. & L., th' R. 0. & T., th' B. U. & M.,
an' th' N. & G.,' says he. ' I 've a line iv smoke reachin'
fr'ra wan ocean to th' other,' he says, *I'ra no ordin'ry
person,' he says. ' I 'm not a banker lindin' other people's
money at six per cint., or a railroad prisidint haulin' hogs
to market,' he says. * I 'm a Titan,' he says. ' If ye don't
believe it, see th' pa-apers,' he says, *an' ask me,' he
says. * I 'm a Titan an' I 'm lookin' f r throuble,' he says,
*an' here it comes,' he says. * You a consolidator?' says
Scrappy Morgan. *Why,' he says, 'ye cudden't mix
dhrinks fr me,' he says. 'I'm th' on'y rufiyan con-
solidator in th' gleamin' West,' he says. 'I've jined
th' mountains iv th* moon railway with th' canals iv
Mars, an' I '11 be haulin' wind fr'm the caves iv Saturn
befure th' first iv th' year,' he says. ' I 'm a close an'
free mixer,' he says. ' Titan, says ye ? I'm all th' Titans,
th' U. S. Titan company consolidated, an' I 've bonded
th' strenth iv me back an' put out five hundred millyons
iv stock iv th' power iv me mighty arms,' he says. ' I 've
belted th' wurruld with steel zx! I think to mesilf

19Q

On Wall Street

I'll now belt you/ he says. An' they closely embrace.
What happens, says ye? Well, th' big la-ads is sthrong
and knows how to guard, and whin they 're spread out,
small harm has come to thim. But th' little dhrunk
financeers that 're not used to th' flowin' dividend an' th'
quick profit that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an
adder, th' little la-ads that are carryin' more thin they can
hold an' walk, are picked up in pieces. An' as fr me, th'
innocint man that let the two burlies into me place to riot,
I 've got to make a call on th' furniture dealers in th'
mornin'. That's what Hogan calls, Oh, Fi-nance. Oh,
Fi-nance, as Shakespeare says, how manny crimes are
committed in thy name!

" 'T was a fine spree while it lasted, Hinnissy. Niver
before in th' histhry iv th' wurruld has so manny barbers
an' waiters been on th' verge iv a private yacht. Th'
capitalist that tinded to th' wants iv th' inner Jawn W.
Gates lost his job at the Waldorf-Astorya fr lettin' his
diamond studs fall into a bowl of soup that he was car-
ryin' to a former mimber iv th' chambermaid staflF that had
found a tip on Northern Passyfic on th' flure iv Jim
Keene's room, an' on retirin' offered to match th' proprie-
tor f r th' hotel Th' barber in th' third chair cut off part
iv th' nose iv th' prisident iv Con and Foundher whin
A. P. wint up fourteen pints. He compromised with his
victim be takin' a place on th' boord iv th' comp'ny. Th'

191

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

effect iv th' boom on th' necessities iv life, like champagne
an' race horses an' chorus girls, common and preferred^
was threemenjous. It looked f r a while as though most
iv th' meenyal wurruk iv th' counthry would have to be
done be old-line millyionaires who'd made their money
sellin' four cints worth iv stove polish f r a nickle. But
it 's all past now. Th' waiter has returned to his mutton
an' th' barber to his plowshare. Th' chorus girl has ray-
sumcd th' position f r which nature intinded her, an' th'
usual yachtin' will be done on th' cable cars at eight a. m.
and six p. m., as befure. The jag is over. Manny a man
that looked like a powdher pigeon a month ago looks like
a hunchback to-day.

" It 's on'y a few days since I see be th' pa-apers that
Tim Mangan, th' bootblack at th' Alhambra Hotel had
made a small fortune in stocks. It seems he used to
polish th' pedals f r a Titan iv Fi-nance, that f 'r lack iv
any other kind iv a tip, gave him wan on th' market. All
Tim's frinds is delighted with his good luck. He said
farewell to thim las' night at a bankit in th' Dead Fall
resthrant. Mr. Orestes L. Hicks, th' bull leader, was
prisint and pinted out Tim as an example iv what a young
man cud do be close application an' industhree an' gam-
blin'. He predicted he wud shine in th' wurruld iv fi-
nance as he had in a more humbler, but not less hon'rable
spare. (Laughter an' cheers.)

192

On Wall Street

" Thin I read that Timothy Mangan, wanst a bootblack
at th' Alhambra Hotel, is supposed to be long a large
block iv D. 0. P. & E. After that I see that Timothy E.
Mangan, who will be kindly raymimbered be pathrons iv
th' Alhambra Hotel, has been conspicuous in the sthreet,
an' is head iv a pool to consolidate th* I^g, Oysther an*
Pie plants iv th' counthry. Th* nex' week 'twas T.
Emmett Mangan was seen las' night at th' Waldorf-
Astorya, where he was histin' in milk punches with his
frind Orestes L. Hicks. Mr. Mangan is a firm believer in
th' future iv stocks. *Th' counthry was niver so pros-
perous,' he says. 'Th' banks are well protected an'
money is so aisy as to be almost uncomfortable,' he says.
* We ar-re goin' to a three per cint basis,' he says, ' or
even less,' he says. ' Some stocks won't pay annything,'
he says, *if shares like S. N. A. & P., which pay on'y six
per cint, ar-re worth two hundherd, shares that don't pay
annything are equally as good, f 'r what th' diwle is six
per cint whin the counthry is so prosperous? Waiter,'
said th' dashin' yoiing millyionaire, * bring this journalist a
hogshead iv champagne \i:ine an' ordher me gilt coach an'
twelve horses* f r five o'clock. I 'm goin' to buy th' front
window iv a joolry store f r Mame,* he says. ' Ye can
keep th' change,' he says. ' I don't wan't ye-er money,'
says th' waiter haughtily, throwin' down th' hundherd
dollar bill. * Who awe ye ? ' says Mister Mangan, cur-
ia 193

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

yously. * I 'ui the bull leader in Amalgamated Hair,' says
th' man * aa* I 'm on'y hangiu* r-round here ontU th'
boord iv directors gets oflF watch at th' bar an' comes in
f r to hold th' semi-anooal meetin'/ he says. Th' two
gr-reat fi-nanceers, afther makiu' an agreement to race
their yachts nex' week, shook hands corjally, an' Misther
Mangan, havin' been helped on with his red plush over-
coat be th' Prisidint iv th' Ump Naytional Bank, was
escorted to th' dure be th' vice prisidint of th' Gum com-
bine, who had on'y anhourbefure handed in his resignation
as chief bell-boy.

" That 's the las' I '11 hear iv Tim Mangan in th' news-
papers, onless he 's took up be th' polls. I have n't had
me boots blacked fr siveral Sundahs because it hasn't
been rainin', an' besides I did n't want to disthract anny
iv our ladin' financeers fr'm their jooties to the wealth iv
th' nation. But if 't will give ye anny satisfaction to have
thim pumps iv ye-ere's japanned be a former bull leader,
ye can go down to th' Alhambra Hotel an' 't will be pro-
perly done f r five cints common, tin preferred. It's not
as good a shine as it was six months ago. Wanst a man
looks at a ticker, he can't see sthraight f r some time.
I 'm goin' to black me own boots an' shave mesilf till th'
effects iv the boom wears off. But Tim will get back to
his speed afther awhile, an' some Saturdah night, he will
lay out fifty cints in two gallery seats, an' him an' th*

194

On Wall Street

little laundhress, that he knew befure th' boom began^ can
admire what *s left iv th' front window iv th' joolry store
in th' back row iv th' chorus."

" Well, poor boy, 't is too bad," said Mr. Hennessy, the
man of sentiment.

" It is so," said Mr. Dooley. " But crazy come, crazy
go.

195

COLLEGES AND DEGREES

197

COLLEGES AND DE-
GREES

" TT SEE," said Mr. Dooley, "that good oP Yale, be-
I cause it makes us feel so hale, dhriuk her down, as

Hogan says, has been cillybratin' her bicintinry."
" What 's that ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.
" 'T is what," said Mr. Dooley, " if it happened to you
or me or Saint Ignatyus CoUedge'd be called ourtwohun-
dherdth birthday. From th' Greek, bi, two, cintinry,
hundherd, two hundherd. Do ye follow ? 'T is th' way
to make a coUedge wurrud. Think iv it in English, thin
think it back into Greek, thin thranslate it. Two hun-
dherd years ago, Yale CoUedge was founded be Eli Yale,
an Englishman, an' dead at that. He didn't know what
he was doin' an' no more did I till I r-read iv these fistivi-
ties. I knew it nestled undher th' ellums iv New Haven,
Connecticut, but I thought no more iv it thin that 't was
th' name iv a lock, a smokin' tobacco an' a large school
nestlin' undher th' ellums iv New Haven where ye sint
ye'er boy if ye cud aflfoord it an' be lamed th' Greek

199

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

chorus an' th' American an' chased th' fleet fut ball an'
th' more fleet aorist^ a spoort that Hogan knows about^
an' come out whin he had to an' wint to wurruk. But^
ye take me wurrud f r it. Yale 's more thin that^ Hin-
nissy. I get it sthraight fr'm th' thruthful sons iv Yale
thimsilves that if it had n't been f r this dear bunch iv
dormitories nestlin' undher th' ellums iv New Haven, our
beloved counthry an' th' short end iv th' wurruld too,
might to-day be no betther thin they should be. Ivry
great inviution fr'm th' typewriter to th' V-shaped wedge
can be thraced to this prodigal instichoochion. But f 'r
Yale, we 'd be goin' to Europe on th' decks iv sailin' ves-
sels instead iv comin' away in th' steerage iv steamships
or stayin' at home ; we 'd be dhrivin' horses, as manny iv
th' unlarned iv us do to this day instead iv pushin' th'
swift autymobill up hill ; we 'd be writin' long an' amusin'
letters to our frinds instead iv tillyphonin' or tillygraftin'
thim. Listen to what me classical assocyate Misther
Justice Brewer, iv th' supreme coort, '68 — that was th*
year he got his ticket out — says about our alma mather.

"'Two hundherd years ago,' he says, 'Yale had sivin
pro-fissors an' forty books ; to-day she has sivin hundherd
pro-fissors an' near three hundherd thousan' volumes iv
lore. Annywan that takes an inthrest in these subjects
can verify me remarks be applyin' to th' janitor f r th'
keys. I am more consamed with th' inflooence iv Yale

200

Colleges and Degrees

on th' mateeryal affairs iv th' wurruld. Whin this beau-
tiful colledge first begun to nestle undher th' ellums iv
New Haven, ships were propilled be th' wind ; our vehi-
cles were dhrawn be th' ox, th' horse, th' wife, th' camel,
th' goat, th' Newfoundland dog, th' zebra. Th' wind,' he
says, ' blows no more lustier now thin it did whin Paul
was tossed about th' Mediterranyan be th' tumulchuse
what 's-its-name. Th' ox an' th' horse has grown no
sthronger, I assure ye, thin whin Abraham wint forth fr'm
his father's house. But if Paul was liviu' to-day, he wud
go to Rome be th' Rome an' Tarsus thransportation line,
first-class. I don't know where he 'd get th' money but
he 'd find it somewhere. He 'd go to Rome first-cabin an'
whin he was in Rome, he wud, as Prisidint Hadley's frind
Cicero wud say, do as th' Romans do. So be Abraham.
Ye can undherstand fr'm this brief sketch what Yale has
done. She has continyed to nestle undher th' ellums iv
New Haven an' th* whole face iv th' wurruld has been
changed. Ye will see th' value iv nestlin'. I wud apply
th' method to thrusts. Iv all th' gr-reat evils now threat-
enin' th' body politic an' th' pollytical bodies, these crool
organizations an' combinations iv capital is perhaps th'
best example iv what upright an' arnest business men can
do whin they are let alone. They cannot be stamped out
be laws or th' decisions iv coorts, if I have annything to
say about it, or hos-tile ligislachion which is too frindty.

201

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

Their desthruction cannot be accomplished be dimagogues.
Miraboo^ a Frinchman^ wanst excited th' Frinch prolo-
toory to rayvolt. What good came iv it ? They made
France a raypublic, that's all. But something must be
done about th' thrusts. They must be desthroyed or they
must not. How to do it. Th' answer is found in th'
histhry iv Yale. Whin steam was discovered, she was
nestlin' undher th' ellums iv New Haven. Whin th' tilly-
graft was invinted, she nestled. She nestled two hun-
dherd years ago. She is still nestlin'. I ask her sons to
profit be th* example iv their almy mather an' nestle.
Whin things go wrong, nestle. Whin th' counthry is
alarmed, nestle. Do not attimpt to desthroy th' hateful
thrusts with harsh laws or advarse ligislachion. Nestle.
An' there are worse places to nestle in thin a good thrust.
An' if ye feather th' nestle, it 's aisier on ye.'

" Well, sir, I think 't was good advice, an' I *m sure,
Hinnissy, that th' assimbled hayroes iv culture thought
well iv their degrees whin they got thim. What's a
degree, says ye ? A degree is a certyficate fr'm a ladin'
university entitlin' ye to wear a mother Hubbard in spite
iv th' polls. It makes ye doctor iv something an' enables
ye to practise at ye'er pro-fission. I don't mind tellin'
ye, Hinnissy, that if I was a law which I 'm not, I 'd
have to be pretty sick befure I 'd call in manny iv th'
doctors iv laws I know, an' as fr American lithrachoor, it

202

Colleges and Degrees

don't need a doctor so much as^ a coroner. But annyhow
degrees is good things because they livils all ranks. Ivry
public man is entitled ex-officio to all th' degrees there
are. An' no public or private man escapes. Ye have n't
got wan, ye say ? Ye will though. Some day ye '11 see a
polisman fr'm th' University iv Chicago at th' dure an'
ye '11 hide undher th' bed. But he '11 get ye an' haul ye
out. Ye '11 say : ' I have n't done annything/ an' he '11
say : ' Ye 'd betther come along quite. I 'm sarvin' a de-
gree on ye fr'm Prisidint Harper.' Some iv th' thriftier
univarsities is makin' a degree th' alternytive iv a fine.
Five dollars or docthor iv laws.

" They was manny handed out be Yale, an' to each man
th' prisidint said a few wurruds explainin' why he got it,
so's he'd know. I r-read all th' speeches: 'Kazoo
Eazama, pro-fissor iv fan paintin' at th' Univarsity iv
Tokeeo, because ye belong to an oldher civilization thin
ours but are losin' it,' to ' Wilium Beans, wanst iditor iv
th' Atlantic Monthly but not now,' to ' Arthur Somerset
Soanso who wrote manny long stories but some short,'
to ' Markess Hikibomo Itto because he was around,* to
'Fedor Fedorvitch Fedorivinisky because he come so
far.'

**An' thin they was gr-reat jubilation, an' shootin' oflF
iv firewurruks an' pomes be ol' gradyates with th' doc-
thors iv lithrachoor sittin' in th' ambulances waitin' f r a

203

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

hurry call. An' thin ivry wan wint home. I was glad to
r-read about it^ Hinnissy. It done me heart good to feel
that boys must be boys even whin they're men. An'
they'se manny things in th' wurruld that ye ought to
believe even if ye think they 're not so."

" D' ye think th' colledges has much to do with th' pro-
gress iv th' wurruld ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

"D'ye think," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis th' miU that
makes th' wather run?"

204

THE BOOKER JFASHINGTON
INCIDENT

20B

THE

BOOKER WASHINGTON

INCIDENT

^'^\\ THAT ails th' prisidint havin' a coon to dinner
\\ at th' White House ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.
*' He 'b a lamed man," said Mr. Dooley.

" He *s a coon," said Mr. Hennessy.

''Well, annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "it's goin' to be
th' roonation iv Prisidint Tiddy's chances in th' South.
Thousands iv men who wuddeu't have voted f'r him
undher anny circumstances has declared that under no
circumstances wud they now vote f'r him. He 's lost near
ivry state in th' South. Th' gran' oF commonwealth iv
Texas has deserted th' banner iv th' raypublican party an'
Mississippi will cast her unanimous counted vote again
him. Onless he can get support fr'm Matsachoosetts or
some other state where th' people don't care annything
about th' naygur excipt to dislike him, he 11 be beat sure/

" I don't suppose he thought iv it whin he ast me cul-
tured but swarthy frind Booker T. They 'd been talkin'
over th* race problem an' th' Cubian war, an' th' prospects

207

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

iy th' race an' th' Cubian war, an' th' future iv th' naygro
an' th' Cubian war, an' findin' Booker T. was inthrested in
important public subjects like th' Cubian war, th' prisi-
dint ast him to come up to th' White House an* ate dinner
an' have a good long talk about th' Cubian war. * Ye '11
not be th' first Wash'nton that's et here,' he says. ^Th'
other was no rilitive, or at laste,' says Booker T., ' he 'd
hardly own rae,' he says. ' He might,' says th' prisidint,
* if ye 'd been in th' neighborhood iv Mt. Vernon in his
time/ he says. 'Annyhow,' he says, 'come up. I'm
goin' to thry an experiment,' he says. * I want to see will
all th' pitchers iv th' prisidints befure Lincoln fall out iv
th' frames whin ye come in/ he says. An' Booker wint.
So wud I. So wud annywan. I 'd go if I had to black up.
" I didn 't hear that th* guest done annything wrong at
th' table. Fr m all I can lam, he hung his hat on th'
rack an' used proper discrimination between th' knife an'
th' fork an' ast f 'r nawthin' that had to be sint out f 'r.
They was no mark on th' table cloth where his hands
rested an' an invintory iv th' spoons after his departure
showed that he had used gintlemanly resthraint. At th'
con-elusion iv th' fistivities he wint away, lavin' his ilus-
threes friend standiu' on th' top iv San Joon hill an'
thought no more about it. Th' ghost iv th' other Wash'n-
ton didn' t appear to break a soop tureen over his head.
P'raps where George is he has to assocyate with manny

208

Booker TVashington Incident

minibera iv th' Booker branch on terras iv akequality. I
don't suppose they have partitions up in th' other wurruld
like th' kind they have in th' cars down south. They
can't be anny Crow Hivin. I wondher how they keep up
race supreemacy. Maybe they get on without it. Anny-
how I was n't worrid about Booker T. I have me own
share iv race prejudice, Hinnissy. Ne'er a man an*
brother has darkened this threshold since I 've had it or
will but th' whitewashes But I don't mind sayin' that
I'd rather ate with a coon thin have wan wait on me.
I 'd sooner he 'd handle his own food thin mine. F 'r me,
if anny thumb must be in th' gravy, lave it be white if ye
please. But this wasn't my dinner an' it wasn't my
house an' I hardly give it a thought.

"But it hit th' Sunny Southland. No part iv th'
counthry can be more gloomy whin it thries thin th*
Sunny Southland an' this here ivint sint a thrill iv horror
through ivery newspaper fr'm th' Pattymack to th' Sugar
Belt. 'Fr'm time immemoryal,' sajs wan paper I read,
'th' sacred nJe at th' White House has been, whin it
comes to dinner, please pass th' dark meat. It was a wise
rule an' founded on thrue principles. Th' supreemacy iv
th' white depinds on socyal supeeryority an' socyal su-
peeryority depinds on makin' th' coon ate in th' back iv
th' house. He raises our food f 'r us, cooks it, sets th'
table an' brings in th' platter. We are liberal an' we
H 209

i

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

make no attimpt to supplant him with more intilligent an'
wage labor. We encourage his industhry because we
know that f 'r a low ordher iv intilligence, labor is th' on'y
panacee. It is no good f 'r a thoughtful man. We threat
him right He has plenty to do an' nawthin' to bother
him an' if he isn't satisfied he be hanged. We are slowly
givin him an' idjacation. Ivry year wan or more naygura
is given a good idjacation an' put on a north bound freight
with a warnin'. But whin it comes to havin' him set
down at th' table with us, we dhraw th' color line an' th'
six shooter. Th' black has manny fine qualities. He is
joyous, light-hearted, an' aisily lynched. But as a fellow-
bong vivant, not be anny means. We have th' highest
rayspict f'r Booker T. Wash'nton. He's an idjacated
coon. He is said to undherstand Latin an' Greek. We
do not know. But we know that to feed him at th'
White House was an insult to ivry honest man an' fair
woman in th' Sunny Southland an' a blow at white
supreemacy. That must be avinged. Th' las' enthrinch-
mint iv socyal supeeryority in th' South is th' dinin' room
an' there we will defind it with our sacred honor. We
will not on'y defind our own dinin' "room but ivry other
man's, so that in time, if th' prisidint iv th' United States
wants to ate with a naygur, he '11 have to put on a coat iv
burnt cork an' go to th' woodshed. Manetime we hear
that th' white man in Alabama that voted f'r Rosen-

210

Booker Washington Incident

felt las' year has come out again him. Th' tide has
turned.'

"So there ye are. An' f 'r th' life iv me, I can't tell
which is right. But I think th' prisidint's place is a good
dale like mine. I believe that manny an honest heart
bates beneath a plaid vest, but I don't like a naygur.
Howiver, Hinnissy, if Fate, as Hogan said, had condemned
me to start in business on th' Levee, I 'd sarve th' black
man that put down th' money as quick as I wud th' white.
I feel I wudden't, but I know I wud. But beiu' that
I 'm up here in this Cowcasyan neighborhood, I spurn th'
dark coin. They 'se very little iv it annyhow an' if anny iv
me proud customers was fr to see an unshackled slave
lanin' again this bar, it 'd go hard with him an' with me.
Me fiinds has no care f 'r race supeeryority. A raaly su-
peeryor race niver thinks iv that. But black an' white
don't mix, Hinnissy' an' if it wint th' rounds that Dooley
was handin' out rayfrishmint to th' colored popylation, I
might as well change me license. So be th' prisidint.
They'se nawthin' wrong in him havin' me frind Booker
T. up to dinner. That 's a fine naygur man, an' if me an'
th' presidint was in a private station, d 'ye mind, we cud
f 'rget th' color iv th' good man an' say, ' Booker T. stretch
ye'er legs in firont iv th' fire, while I go to th' butcher's
f 'r a pound iv pork chops.' But bein' that I — an' th' prisi-
dint — is public sarvants an' manny iv our customers has

211

Mr. Doolefs Opinions

onrais'nable prejoodices, an' afther all 'tis to thim I've got
to look f *r me support, I put me hand on his shouldher
an' says I : * Me colored frind, I like ye an' ye're idjaca-
tion shows ye 're a credit to th' South that it don't desarve,
an' I wud swear black was white f 'r ye ; but sweariu' it
wudden't make it so, an' I know mos' iv me frinds thinks
th' thirteenth amindmiut stops at th' dure shtep, so if ye
don't mind, 1 '11 ast ye to leap through th' dure with ye'er
hat on whin th' clock sthrikes sivin.' 'Tis not me that
speaks, Hinnissy, 'tis th' job. Dooley th' plain citizen
says, ' Come in, Rastus.' Dooley's job says : ' If ye come^
th' r-rest will stay away.' An' I 'd like to do something
f 'r th' naygur, too."

" What wud ye do ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd take away his right to
vote an' his right to ate at th' same table an' his right to
ride on th' cars an' even his sacred right to wurruk. I 'd
take thim all away an' give him th' on'y right he needs
nowadays in th' South."

"What's that?"

" Th' right to live," said Mr. Dooley. " If he cud start
with that he might make something iv himsilf."

2ia

\

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PH

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