Presented to the
LIBRARY of the
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
by
PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
Designed to provide in a series
of volumes, each complete in itself,
the cream of our national humour,
contributed by the masters of
comic draughtsmanship and the
leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
from its beginning in 1841 to the
present day J j * <f
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
A note at the foot of
a page
A FIRST ESSAY IN HOUSEKEEPING. Mr. Jones. ' What is it,
my pet ? " Mrs: J, " This rabbit (sob) I've been plucking it
(sob) all the afternoon, and it isn't half done yet I "
MR. PUNCH AT
HOME
THE COMIC SIDE
OF DOMESTIC
LIFE
AS PICTURED BY
F. H. TOWNSEND, LEWIS
BAUMER, C. SHEPPER-
SON, DAVID WILSON,
FRED PEGRAM, GUN-
NING KING, L. RAVEN-
HILL, BERNARD PART-
RIDGE, A. W. MILLS,
G. L. STAMPA, C. E.
BROCK, A. S. BOYD,
PHIL MAY, CHARLES
KEENE, GEORGE DU
MAURIER, AND OTHERS
WITH 130 ILLUSTRATIONS
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
000
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
TtoentyfiVt Volumes, crotan 8vo, 192 pages
fully illustrated
LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
WITH THE
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
CHILDREN
P
I
IN SLIPPERED EASE
JUST because MR. PUNCH is eminently representative
of all our national characteristics is he something of
a good old-fashioned Philistine in his domestic circle.
We find him, in his notions of home life, distinctly
partial to the cosy comfort that is associated the
world over with " The Englishman's Castle." He
enjoys the delights of his own fireside, the pleasures
of his table, the society of his womenkind, the casual
visits of his friends, no less, and perhaps much more,
than the formal functions to which the phrase " At
Home " is also applied.
" Mr. Punch at Home " is in a sense the comple-
ment of "Mr. Punch in Society." It touches on
Mr. Punch at Home
musical evenings, dances, the social life generally,
but more particularly the domestic side of it the
servant difficulty, the humours of the kitchen and
the butler's pantry. It gives glimpses of home life in
the country as well as in town ; among the poor as
well as among the rich ; in flats and lodgings as
well as in suburban villas and the mansions of the
West End.
John Leech dealt largely with the servant girl
trouble, but as many of his jokes were topical and
have lost most of their point with the passing of the
topic, and as others have an old-fashioned air with
them and are not so smart or so pointed as those by
later artists, preference has been given to the moderns.
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
<"',7|?hij1|L A ** THJ NGS ONE WOULD
RATHER HAVE LEFT
UNSAID. " You remem-
ber that party at Madam
Gel as ma's, to hear
Joachim, Rubinstein,
and the Henschels, and
De Soria quite a small party ? "
" No ; I wasn't there ! " " No ? Ah well-
it was very select ! "
THE GREATEST QUESTION OF THE DAY.
" My dear, what will you have for dinner ? "
OUR WHIST PARTY. Major MacFlush (at close
of rubber, to partner). Didn't ye see me call for
trumps ?
Partner (a new hand). You may have called,
Major, but I never heard you I
7
Mr. Punch at Home
UNDESIRABLE BRIC-A-BRAC. Family jars.
MEM. FOR YOUNG HOUSEWIVES. To make
both ends meet burn the candle at 'em.
" PLEASANT it is when the woods are green," as
paterfamilias observed when all the doors in his
new villa took to warping.
THE DEAR THINGS. He. You know Jones's
wife, an old schoolfellow of yours ; tell me, is she
musical ?
She (her dearest friend) . I should say decidedly
not, or she wouldn't be so fond of hearing the
sound of her own voice.
THE KITCHEN - RANGE - FINDER. The police-
man !
MOTTO FOR THE LADY OF THE HOUSE. Don't
worry about trifles ; make a blanc-mange.
Visitor. " Do you have any difficulty in getting
servants ? "
Hostess. " None whatever. We've had ten
different ones in the last month ! "
DOMESTIC ECONOMY. Cook. " Wasteful, mum ? Well,
mum, that's one thing I'm not! Why, everythink in the
eatin' an' drinkin' way that comes down from hupstairs, I
make a point of finishin' up myself, mum ! "
Mr. Punch at Home
WANTED !
THE Lady and Gentleman Help Association
can find excellent positions for
A Lady Help with twenty thousand a year, who
can help her husband to enjoy existence.
A Lady Help with deft fingers, who can open
oysters, peel walnuts and prawns, and make toast.
A Lady Help who can draft a speech that will
suit an ex-Secretary of State at a Social Science
Congress.
A Lady Help who can do the same for a mild
and moderate Bishop at a Church Congress extra
wages will be given for assistance in the composition
of charges
A Lady Help who can drive Four-in-Hand, for
a coach to be started from Hatchett's Hotel to
Coventry.
A Lady Help who is absolutely helpless none
need apply unless they can show that they are good
for nothing.
Also
A Gentleman Help who can nurse babies, and
comb their hair carefully.
10
THE COMPENSATING CIRCUMSTANCE. Sympathetic Visitor
" Poor dear Mr. Smith, how he must suffer with all that sneezing
and coughing." Mrs. Smith. " He does, indeed ; but you can't
think how it amuses the baby! "
II
Mr. Punch at Home
A Gentleman Help who can choose good cigars,
and assist in smoking them.
A Gentleman Help who can work a sewing
machine and a private apparatus for the distillation
of whiskey.
A Gentleman Help who can assist the Sultan
of Turkey to pay the interest on his debts.
A Gentleman Help who can help the clerk of
the weather to turn on a little more sunshine.
AT THE SMITHSON'S DANCE. Young Innocent.
" I beg your pardon, did I tread on your foot
that time ? "
Sweet Girl (very sweetly). " Oh, no, not that
time ! "
" MARY, there's three months' dust in the
drawing-room ! "
" That isn't my fault, mum. You know I've
only bin here a fortnight ! "
Doctor (to Mrs. Perkins, whose husband is ill).
" Has he had any lucid intervals ? "
Mrs. Perkins (with dignity). " 'E 's 'ad nothink
except what you ordered, Doctor ! "
12
"You're dreadfully untidy again, Mary I I don't know
what the baker will think of you when he comes."
" 1 he baker don't matter, 'm. The milkman's bin I "
T'OTHER WAY ROUND. He. " That's Lady Passeh. She's got
an action on at the courts, asking for 5,000 damages. " She.
14 Damages ! I should have thought she'd have asked for repairs."
U
THE EYE AS AN AID TO THE EAR. Young Lady (repeating
conversation to deaf old gentleman). ' Miss Frills says it gave her
such a fright." Deaf Old Gent. "Eh? I didn't quite "
Young Lady. " Such a fright ! " Deaf Old Gent. " Ah, yes
I agree with you so she is ! "
15
Mr. Punch at Home
WHY, NATURALLY. " Cook, ought I to write
Salvation Army in converted commas ? "
ORTHODOX. The Rev. Alexis Tonsher (going
round his new parish). "Of course, you observe
Lent, Mrs. Rickyard ? "
Mrs. Rickyard. "Oh, yes, sir, we allus hev
pancakes o' Shrove Tuesday ! "
AN EXCUSE. Mistress. " Another breakage,
Jane ? And a wedding present, too ! How ever
did you do it ? "
Jane (sobbing). " They al ways break when I
drop 'em ! "
APPRECIATIVE. Amateur Tenor. "I shall just
sing one more song, and then I shall go."
Sarcastic Friend. " Couldn't you go first ! "
" ENTERING THE SOCIAL CIRCLE." Making the
first cut into a round of beef.
He. " What pretty hair that Miss Dashwood
has like spun gold ! "
She (her rival). " Yes fourteen carrot."
id
P.H,
B 2
Mr Punch at Home
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT
UNSAID. Tomlinson. " Good-bye, Miss Eleanora
_ _ **
Miss Eleanora. " But you've already said good-
bye to me, Mr. Tomlinson ? "
Tomlinson (who is always ready with some pretty
speech). " Have I, really? Well, one can't do a
pleasant thing too often, you know ! "
FELINE AMENITIES. Fair Hostess (who is proud
of her popularity). "Yes; I flatter myself there's
not a door-bell in the whole street that's so often
rung as mine ! "
Fair Visitor. " Well, dear, / had to ring it five
times !
BACHELOR HOUSEKEEPING. Mr. Brown. " Prayv
Jane, what on earth is the reason I am kept
waiting for my breakfast in this way ? "
Jane. " Please, sir, th rolls isn't come, and
there's no bread in the house ! "
Mr. Brown. " Now, upon my word ! How can
you annoy me with such trifles ? No bread ? then
bring me some toast."
[Exit Jane in dismay.
20
I
Mr. Punch at Home
HOUSEHOLD RECIPES.
To destroy black-beetles. Turn a pack of fox-
hounds into the kitchen.
To cure smoky chimneys. Discontinue fires.
To get rid of ghosts. Use disinfecting fluid
copiously.
To expel dry-rot. Soak the places affected with
the finest dry sherry.
To get the servants up early in the morning. Send
them to bed early at night.
To revive the fire. Tie up the front-doorknocker
in a white kid glove.
To prevent the beer going too fast. Possess the
key to the mystery.
To avoid draughts. Don't take any.
To destroy moths. Collect butterflies.
How to keep plate clean. Wrap it up in silver
paper.
How to dispose of old newspapers. Put them into
the brown study.
THE MOST CONTINUOUS BREAK WE KNOW.
Our housemaid's.
aa
The Duchess (who takes a great interest in all her servants, and has
a large house-party). " Oh, so you're the new scullery maid. I hope
you like your place.? " New Scullery Maid. " No, my lady.
I want to leave next week. I can't stand these late dinners. All the
ladies as I've ever been connected with have just took a bit of some-
thing in their 'ands, and there wasn't all this washing up 1 "
23
Mr. Punch at Home
LATIN AT THE BRIDGE TABLE. Sursum corda
" I double hearts."
STIRRING EVENT. Mixing a plum-pudding.
SENTIMENT FOR THE SERVANTS' HALL. May
we never smell any powder but what is white !
GOOD KNIFE FOR FRUIT. " Lc Sabre de mon
Pear."
KITCHEN DRESSERS. Fine cooks,
SELF-RESPECT. Cook (to fellow-servant who has
been after a new place). "Well, ''Liza., will it
suit ? "
Eliza. " Not if I knows it ! Why, when I got
there, blest if there wasn't the two young ladies of
the 'ouse both a-usin' of one piano at the same
time ! * Well,' thinks I, ' this his a comin' down in
the world ! ' So I thought I was best say good
mornin' 1 "
THE BACK-DOOR BELL. A pretty kitchen
maid.
24
Prize Idiot (who doesn't know all the family}, " Beastly slow here.
I'm off. Which way do von go home ? " Son of the House.
"I'm there now."
Mr. Punch at Home
NOT so BAD AS THEY SEEM. Mistresses shew
more consideration for their servants than is gener-
ally supposed. Not long ago Mrs. Fidgitt was
heard telling Mary Ann that she had been scouring
the whole house for her.
How WE ARRANGE OUR LITTLE DINNERS.
Mistress. " Oh, cook, we shall want dinner for
four this evening. What do you think, besides
the joint, of ox-tail-soup, lobster pate's, and an
entr&e say, beef?"
Cook. " Yes, 'm Fresh, or Austr ? "
Mistress. " Let's see ? It's only the Browns
tinned will do ! "
MOTTO FOR A SERVANTS' HALL. " They also
serve who only stand and wait." Milton.
" COOK'S " EXCURSIONIST. Her policeman on
a trip.
SWEET SIMPLICITY. Visitor. " Jane, has your
mistress got a boot-jack ? "
Maid-oJ '-all-work. " No, sir ; please, sir, I clean
all the boots, sir ! "
26
BEFORE THE RECEPTION. Lady of the House (instructing
new page). " Have you ever been at a party before,
Higgles ? " Riggles. " Honly as a guest, mum."
SYMPATHETIC. Young Wife (rather nervously). "Oh,
cook, I must really speak to you. Your master is always
complaining. One day it is the soup, the second day it is
the fish, the third day it is the joint in fact, it is always
something or other." Cook (with feeling). " Well, mum,
I'm truly sorry for you. It must be quite hawful to live
with a gentleman of that sort."
Mary (the new housemaid mho visits the study jor the first time,
and is unaware that poor Snooks is suffering from a violent headache
and has been ordered to keep a. damp cloth round his head and near
goggles). " Laek-a-mussy 1 " Mrs Snooks (appearing at door).
" What's the matter, Mary.? It's only master/
29
Mr. Punch at Home
EVERYTHING COMES TO THE MAN WHO
WAITS. Country Rector's Wife (engaging man-
servant). And can you wait at dinner ?
Man. Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry
but I can wait till you've done.
UNCONSCIOUSLY APPROPRIATE. Jane. 'Allo,
Hemma, what are yer a-crying about ?
Hemma. Missus 'as given me the sack because
I knocked over some of them hornaments she calls
" break-a-break."
Gentleman (to Thomas, who has given notice).
" Oh, certainly ! You can go, of course ; but, as
you have been with me for nine years, I should
like to know the reason ? "
Thomas. " Why, sir, it's my feelins. You
used always to read prayers, sir, yourself and
since Miss Wilkins has bin here, she bin a-reading
of 'em. Now I can't bemean myself by sayin
' Amen ' to a guv'ness."
THE FORCE OF HABIT. Our coachman, when
he waits at table, always commits the same fault :
he whips away the plates too soon.
30
A GOOD START. New Maid Servant (just arrived). ' May I harsk
if my young man 'as called yet? "
3'
FEMININE AMENITIES
Mabel (not in her first youth}. " First of all he held my
hand and told my fortune ; and then, Evie, he gazed into
my face ever so long, and said he could read my thoughts !
Wasn't that clever of him, dear ? "
Evie. "Oh, I suppose he read between the lines,
darling."
NEW VERSION. It was the reflection of a
thoughtful hall-porter that the self-denying man
must be the man who says he is not at home when
he is.
32
Mr. Punch at Home
A DISCHARGE WITHOUT A REPORT. A servant
dismissed without a character.
DIAGNOSIS. " Is the rector better to-day,
Jarvis ? " " No, sir; not any better, sir ! "
" Has he got a locum tenens ? " ' No, sir. Same
old pain in the back ! "
Hostess. "And do you really believe in Christian
science ? "
Visitor. " Well, you see, I've been getting rather stouter
lately, and it's such a comfort to know that I really have
no 'Wv / "
P.H.
33
Mr. Punch at Home
BELGRAVIAN MAXIMS
BY A FASHIONABLE VALET.
THE real essence of a gentleman is perfume
You know the snob by his hands the gentle-
man by his boots.
It is easier to pardon a hole in a person's man-
ners than one in his coat.
In the noblest park there are mushrooms.
One grows rich, but one is born elegant.
With men, as with monuments, position is
everything.
We make our money in London, but we spend
it in Paris.
Society has but little faith, except in scandal.
Joke with an inferior, and you tumble to the
level of that inferior.
There are many stylish men, but very few men
of style.
Shopkeepers are the counters in the game of
life. When we have no ready money, we are only
too glad to use them.
A lady is an angel that ought never to touch
34
A Ju-Jiisuous HINT. Fair Victim. "Pardon, Mr. Snobbarts, this
is a waltz, I believe, not a bout of ju-jitsu 1 "
35
C 2
Mr. Punch at Home
the earth, excepting when she is stepping from the
door to her carnage.
Anything that reveals a compromise with one's
pocket is inelegant, as for instance, Berlin gloves.
In my opinion, naked-handed poverty is a
thousand times preferable.
You can generally tell " a son of the soil " by
the amount he carries in his nails.
England gives us meat, and France sends us
cooks.
The gentleman is known at once by his walk, the
lady by her carriage.
Credit is the homage that trade pays (and
sometimes pays very dearly) to rank.
NOT so BAD AS VOLODYOVSKI. Lady (to
applicant for nursemaid's place). What is your
name ?
Applicant. Hermyntrude, mum.
Lady. Good heavens ! That would never do.
Can't you think of something shorter ?
Applicant (after a pause) . Well, mum, my young
man allus calls me Carrots.
SIMPLE FRACTURES. Servants' breakages.
36
37
Mr. Punch at Home
THE BEAU IDEAL OF A COOK. One who cooks
a rabbit to a hare !
A SERVANT ON SPIRITUALISM. It is fortunate
that rapping spirits, which seem very tricksy
beings, do not seem to be able to move street-
knockers. Otherwise we should continually be
going to answer a rap at the door, and coming
back, saying, " Please'm only a ghost."
THE FORCE OF HABIT. Missus (who is acting
as amanuensis to Mary). " Is there anything more
you wish me to say, Mary ? "
Mary. "No, marm, except just to say, please
excuse bad writin' and spellin'."
A TRIUMPH IN COOKERY. When the cook
makes a hash of the marrow-bones.
Mistress (to new maid). "Well, Mary, I've tried
to apportion you different duties for each day in
the week, so that you may have variety in your
work. You've been here a month now. Just tell
me which day you like best ? "
Maid. " Please, mum, my day out!"
Mr. Punch at Home
SEASONABLE. A servant, to whom money is an
object, during the present winter offers (unbe-
known) to let out his master's study fire by the
hour. For terms apply to the Pantry, Belgravia.
" SLIGHTLY MIXED:' Mistress (to maid, who
has just received a month's notice). " I would rather
not give you a character at all. But if you insist
upon it, of course I shall tell the truth about
you."
Maid. " And if you do, ma'am, I shall suttingly
bring an action for defimation o' character ! "
THE FLUNKEY MILLENNIUM. When every
valet shall be exalted.
INHABITED HOUSE DUTY. The servants'. And
I wish they'd do it. Yours, paterfamilias.
SANCTA SIMPLICITAS. Housemaid. "We're
getting up a sweepstakes, Mrs. Thrupp. Won't
you join?"
Housekeeper. " Gracious me, child ; not I !
Why if I won a horse I shouldn't know what to
do with him ! "
42
43
Mr. Punch at Home
METROPOLITAN HOUSEHOLDERS'
CLUB
WE understand it is in contemplation to get up
a club for the purpose of endeavouring to improve
the quality of servants. The indifference of the
material is very much against the project, but the
effort is worth making. A few old housekeepeis
have determined to set the scheme on foot by
offering a few prizes, of which the following is a
catalogue :
For the Cook who has lived longest in one
place without including whole candles under
the general head of kitchen-stuff. One pound
For the Nurse who has walked oftenest in
the Park without speaking to a Horse-guard
Ten shillings
For the Housemaid who has remained longest
in a situation in which the cat has not been
in the habit of doing wilful damage to the
crockery . . . Five shillings
For the Cook who has been the greatest number
of years in service without resigning her own
(engaging a maid). "Was your last mistress
satisfied with you ? "
Maid. "Well, mum, she said she was very pleased
when I left I "
45
Mr. Punch at Home
heart and her mistress's cold meat to the
devouring passion of a policeman
Fifteen shillings
For the Nurse who has remained the longest
time in a place without mistaking the
children's linen for her own, and given the
baby the fewest private punches and
pinches .... Seven shillings
For the Female Servant who has set off on
Sunday evenings to go to church, and found
her way there oftenest . . Five shillings
For the Page who has opened the smallest
number of notes in the longest period of service
Half-a-Crown
For the Groom who has best carried out the
principles of protection with regard to his
master's corn . . . Ten shillings
For the Footman who has worn the fewest of
his master's shirts . . . One shilling
The above are only a few preliminary prizes,
but if the scheme can be effectually carried out,
there is every intention to offer rewards for a
variety of other qualities. In the present day,
when servants are always " bettering " themselves,
46
SPEEDING THE STAYING GUEST. Hostess. " Won't you sing
something, Mr. Borely ? " Mr. B. " Yes, if you like. I'll sing
ore just before I go." Hostess. " Well, do sing now, and perhaps
Miss Slowboy will accompany you."
Mr. Punch at Home
which means growing worse and worse, the
project of a prize club for this troublesome class
seems fraught with the most promising prospects.
Mistress. " Did Mrs. Brown say anything when
you told her I was out? "
Maid. " Yes, 'm. Mrs. Brown, mum, said,
OUT OF HER ELEMENT. The last place which
you would expect a woman to like is a still-
room.
" CUISINE." Mistress. " Susan, we're thinking
of having a pig's head boiled for dinner. You
understand it, I suppose ? "
Cook. " Oh no, m'um. I told you before I
came I didn't understand game ! "
" IN THE QUEEN'S NAME." Martha the Cook
(to Lizzy the Housemaid). 'Ere 's an 'orrible mis-
take. In 'is subscripshion list the heditor 'as
spelt your name with a " hi " and a " he " instead
ofa"y." '
4*
P-H.
'A GHOSTLY VISITANT
Mistress (returning). " Any one to see me, Mary ?
Mary. Yes, mem. An insanitary spectre."
[But it was only the sanitary inspector who had called
regarding some alterations that were going on.
49 D
Mr. Punch at Home
"THE FROGS" AT OXFORD.
SCENE Parlour of Private House, Oxford. TIME
Quite recently. Cook wishes to speak to her
Mistress.
Cook. Please, 'm, I should like to go out this
evening, 'm, which it's to see them Frogs at the
New Theayter.
Mistress. But it's all Greek, and you won't
understand it.
Cook. O yes, 'm. I once saw the Performin'
Fleas, and they was French, I believe, leastways
a Frenchman were showin' of 'em, and I understood
all as was necessary.
[After this, of course she obtains permission.
DOMESTIC ECONOMY. Cook (to Vicar's Wife}.
" And what's to be done with the sole that was
saved yesterday, ma'am ? "
Bucolic Boot-boy. " I say, Sarah, wotever be a
creematorium ? "
Metropolitan Maid. "Oh, you are an ignorant
boy! Why, it's French for a milkshop, of
course ! "
' (s lilo uizin &' " I'm afraid this hat's rather out
has
cf date
51
D 2
A
Domestic. 'There's a gentleman wants to see yer on
business." Master. " Well, ask him to take a chair."
Domestic. "He's taking 'em all, and the table too, He
comes from the furniture shop 1 "
FOREIGNERS ARE ALWAYS so VERY POLITE. Charming
Hostess. "Do have some of my cake. I don't believe
you've ever tasted my own make ? " Delightful Foreigner
(wishing to be polite). " Indeed indeed I have, and I assure
you I did not wish to eat anything else for days after 1 "
53
Mr. Punch at Home
LADY HELPS
ON this subject much nonsense has been written.
They are quite as suitable (perhaps more so than
otherwise) to the cottage as to the castle. The
cottage need not have a name spelt with a Celtic
series of dissonant consonants. A few hints may
be advisable to the numerous "Lady Helps" at
present in the market.
A Lady may efficiently help the mistress of the
household to snub her husband, by adroitly echoing
(and improving) the said mistress's remarks of a
personal character.
A Lady may help the Cook to produce an
original dinner, by suggesting fresh combinations,
which will make the said Cook indignant, and
even furious.
A Lady may help the Butler effectually, by
decanting the '45 port, and shaking it a little first
as you would Daffy's Elixir.
A Lady may help the visitors to the house by
reading all the letters that may chance to be
thrown aside, and taking advantage of any private
intelligence they contain.
A Lady may help the master of the house by a
54
Mistrtss. " Oh, Gwendolen , whatever have you done ! "
Gwendolen. " It's all right, m'm. I 'aven't 'urt myself 1"
55
Mr. Punch at Home
flirtation in the library, while the mistress is away
on a round of visits.
A Lady may help the daughters to quiet talks
in the Park with ambitious Curates.
A Lady may possibly help the son and heir to
herself.
You see, there are ladies and ladies, as there are
fagots et fagots, and Mr. Punch has his suspicions
of the Lady Helps of the future.
ADVICE TO SERVANTS OF ALL WORK. " Learn
to labour and to wait."
HAPPY THOUGHT. Husband (devoted to spouse
and bridge). What shall we christen the little
dear?
Wife (still more devoted). I've been thinking
why not Bridget ?
Husband (delighted) . By all means. For luck.
"HARD LINES." Mistress (to former Cook).
" Well, Eliza, what are you doing now ? "
Ex-Cook. " Well, mum, as you wouldn't give
me no character, I've been obliged to marry a
soldier 1 "
56
57
o>o
59
Mr. Punch at Home
HOW TO GROW A PINK OF FASHION
THIS Pink must be planted in the most aristo-
cratic soil. The mould should be the very mould
of form. It grows mostly in the open air, and
Belgravia may be looked upon as the great
nursery for these Pinks. Several favourable
specimens, also, have been reared at the theatres,
the Italian and French operas, and similar
fashionable forcing houses. It is met with in
great profusion at the balls of the nobility. The
latter specimen, however, cannot bear the day-
light. It is put into a hot bed the first thing
when carried home in the morning, and there it
remains closed up and almost dead until the
evening, when it just begins to lift its drooping
head. It" is about twelve o'clock at night that it
is seen to the most blooming advantage. Your
Pink of Fashion is watered with a liquid called
champagne, and, if it is at all faint, a little piece
of chicken and ham, and a few crumbs of bread,
applied to the mouth of the delicate flower, will
revive it wonderfully. It is a very tender plant f
though it has been known to bloom for two or
60
Farmer Twenty stone, from Mudshire, visits )ns recently
married niece at Lavender Villas, Brixton.
Housemaid. " Will you sit down, if you please, sir ? "
three seasons. The greatest care, however, is
requisite to keep it from the cold, for its beauty is
so sensitive, that the slightest neglect will nip it
in the bud. The Pink is of several colours, but
the white with a beautiful maiden blush is the
specimen the most preferred. This Pink usually
carries its head very high, and, though not
distinguished for any particular amount of scents,
\\\\ it is eagerly taken in hand in society for its
ft
Mr. Punch at Home
(s)talk. The Pink of Fashion is mostly single,
but cases of double Pinks have been recorded.
The double (or married) Pink, however, does not
excite one half the interest of the one that is
single.
FEBRUARY 14
Mis'ress. " So you want me to read this love-letter to
you ? "
Maid. " If ye plaze, mam. And I've brought ye some
potton-wool ye can stuff in yer ears while ye rade it ! "
i--
Q-*
66
K a
Mr. Punch at Home
THE SERVANTS' COLLEGE
MR. PUNCH rejoices to hear that " the greatest
plague of kfe " has a slight chance of being abated
by the establishment of a College for Servants,
who will be educated in the most careful way to
do justice to their employers the main idea being
that most lucidly stated by the Dean of Saint
Patrick's, that it is the chief duty of every servant
to ascertain the full amount of his master's income,
and to spend the whole of it on his own depart-
ment. Having been favoured with an early copy
of the subjects with which the courses will
commence, Mr. Punch is glad to give to this
useful undertaking the advantage of his world-
wide publicity.
CLASS i. Lady Housekeepers. " How to man-
age a widower with young children. In three
heads : i, Domestication ; 2, Flirtation ; 3,
Temptation."
CLASS 2. Cooks. " How to make the kitchen-
fire too hot for the missus, and too cool for the
sirloin."
68
Son of the House. " Aren't you dancing this ? May I
have the pleasure? I'm trying to do my duty all round
to-night 1 "
by
Mr. Punch at Home
CLASS 3. Butlers. " How to substitute Marsala
for Madeira, and Vin ordinaire for Chateau-
Lafitte."
CLASS 4. Lady's-Maids. " How to look much
prettier than the young ladies when there are
visitors in the house."
CLASS 5. Footmen. " How to make a fortune
out of six feet two in height, and calves nineteen
inches round."
CLASS 6. Men and Wives. " How to keep
their quarrels to themselves, and feed their
' incumbrances ' in the neighbourhood."
CLASS 7. Coachmen and Grooms. " How to
make the corn supplied to the stables more useful
than if wasted on dumb animals."
CLASS 8. Housemaids. " How to train that
noble animal, the harmless necessary cat, to
break glass and snap up unconsidered trifles."
It can scarcely be doubted, from this preliminary
syllabus of lectures, that the new Institution will
do much for the comfort, economy, and refinement
of our households.
" CHAMBER Music." Baby I
70
Lady Sneerwett. " Have your daughters accomplished much in
music?" Unfortunate Father. "Yes the tenants below have
moved."
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Mr. Punch at Home
THE MODERN WOMAN'S VADE MECUM
Question. Do you agree with a certain female
lecturer, that it is the duty of the fair sex to
captivate the other ?
Answer. Certainly, as cleverness need not be
divorced from fascination.
Q. You do not object, then, to brains in the
abstract ?
A. No; but as some men have a horror of
the blue-stocking, I would cover fine heads with
pretty toques.
Q. And if a woman has literary tastes, what
would you advise ?
A. That part of her reading should be devoted
to the fashion journals, and she should not
sacrifice her toilette to her intellect.
Q. What is your opinion about latchkeys,
visits to the music-halls, and cigarettes ?
A. That, from a man's point of view, they are
played out, and consequently should be abandoned
by man's would-be help-mate.
Q. What do you think of glasses ?
A. That, when necessary, they should take the
72
"INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE
D'AMOUR
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Mr. Punch at Home
shape of a pince-nez, as it is more becoming than
spectacles.
Q. Then, before marriage, what should be your
treatment of man ?
A. I should do all I can in my power to please
him.
Q. And after the nuptial knot had been tied,
what then ?
A . That, as Mr. Rudyard Kipling would observe,
is quite another story.
NEW RULES FOR " PIT "
[On the authority of the Athen&um Club]
(1) The table shall be firmly clamped to the
ground, and the cards shall be of metal not less
than J inch thick, with rounded corners.
(2) Any player who speaks in such an audible
voice that the position of the roof is altered shall
be forced to make the damage good.
(3) No player shall use a megaphone or speaking-
trumpet of any kind.
(4) Muffin-bells may only be employed by
players who have formed a " corner," and desire
to communicate this fact to other players.
74
"THE EARTHLY PARADISE." "What reason did he give for
wishing to break off the engagement so soon ? " " He said the
report that he was engaged to me had not extended his credit nearly
as much as he had hoped for."
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Mr. Punch at Home
(5) If a player has called " corner," and is
found to have only eight similar cards in his hand,
the game shall be continued without him. His
remains may be removed at leisure.
(6) " Progressive Pit " with more than four
tables shall only be played in a house which is at
least five miles in any direction from other inhabited
buildings.
(7) No person who is not a player shall approach
while a game is in progress, except in the case
when a player faints across the table and so
obstructs the play.
SPRING CLEANING
[SCENE Spring Gardens. Enter Algy, L.H., meeting
Frankie as he strolls in, R.H.]
Algy. Hallo, old boy! (Greeting) I've just
had my house papered and painted inside and
out.
Frankie. Indeed ! And er (struck by the novelty)
what sort of paper did you have put outside ?
[Exit Algy, R.H., and Frankie, L.H. Scene closes.
ANSWER TO MARY ANNE. The needle-gun is
not threaded with gun-cotton.
76
She (to clumsy steer er). " Rather like progressive bridge, isn't it ? ''
He. "Why?" She. "Well, you see, you run up against
everyone in the room before you've done "
77
ROMANCE OF THE KITCHEN
Cook (from the area). " O, 'Liza, gi' me my winigrette I've
'ad a offer from the dustman / / "
THE CONVALESCENT
New Curate, (tenderly). " My good man, what induced
you to send for me ? "
Oldest Inhabitant. " What does he say, Betty ? "
Betty. " 'Says what the deuce did you send for him,
for 1 1 "
79
THE MEREST ACCIDENT. She. " So you failed in your
viva voce exam. ? " He. " Yes ; but it was purely from
absence of mind."
80
"O NOBLE FOOL I O WORTHY FOOL!"
Uncle (to nephew, who has fust come into a fortune). " You must
remember, my boy, that ' a fool and his money are soon parted ' 1 "
Fair Cousin. " Oh, but I'm sure Sammy will be the exception that
troves the rule /" [Sammy is delighted.
P.H.
81
82
F 2
8 4
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Mr. Punch at Home
PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVANTS
PRELIMINARY CHAPTER
BETTY, " first catch your fish," is a golden rule
for a cook, and first catch your situation is a very
necessary piece of advice to be given to servants
in general. The choice of a mistress requires as
much judgment as the choice of poultry ; and you
should be careful not to pick out a very old bird
in either case. The best market to go to in order
to suit yourself is a servants' bazaar as it is
called where mistresses are always on view for
servants to select from. On being shown up to a
lady, you should always act and talk as if you were
hiring her, instead of wanting to be hired. You
should examine her closely as to the company she
keeps, and the number of her family ; when, if
there is any insuperable objection such as the
absence of a footman, a stipulation against per-
quisites, a total prohibition of a grease-pot, or
a denial of the right of visit, by a refusal to allow
followers in either or all of these cases, it will be
88
Smithson (the celebrated poet, novelist, playwright, 6-c.).
" But, my dear young lady, I really don't understand you.
I haven't been winning any ping-pong tournament. I don't
play."
Miss Brown. " Oh, but surely I heard our hostess say
you were ' the Mr. Smithson 1 ' "
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Mr. Punch at Home
as well to tell " the lady " plainly that you must
decline her situation. It is a good general rule to
be the first to give a refusal, and, when you find
you are not likely to suit the place, a bold asser-
tion that the place will not suit you, prevents any
compromise of your dignity. If you like the
appearance and manner of the party requiring
your assistance, but with some few concessions to
be made, the best way to obtain them will be by
declaring that you never heard of any "lady"
requiring whatever it may be that you have set
your face against. By laying a stress on the word
" lady," you show your knowledge of the habits
of the superior classes ; and as the person hiring
you will probably wish to imitate their ways, she
will perhaps take your hint as to what a " lady "
ought to do, and dispense with conditions, which,
on your authority, are pronounced unlady-like. If
a situation seems really desirable, you should
evince a willingness, and profess an ability, to do
anything, and everything. If you get the place,
and are ever called upon to fulfil your promises, it
is easy to say you did not exactly understand you
would be expected to do this, or that ; and as
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Mr. Punch at Home
people generally dislike changing, you will, most
probably, be able to retain your place.
When asked if you are fond of children, you
should not be content with saying simply " yes,"
but you should indulge in a sort of involuntary,
" Bless their little hearts ! " which has the double
advantage of appearing to mean everything, while
it really pledges you to nothing. Never stick out
for followers, if they are objected to ; though you
may ask permission for a cousin to come and see
you ; and as you do not say which cousin, provided
only one comes at a time, you may have half-a-
dozen to visit you. Besides, if the worst comes
to the worst, and you cannot do any better, there
is always the police to fall back upon. By-the-
way, as the police cannot be in every kitchen at
once, it might answer the purpose of the female
servants throughout London, to establish police
sweeps, on the principle of the Derby lotteries, or
the Art- Union. Each subscriber might draw a
number, and if the number happened to be that
of the policeman on duty, she would be entitled to
him as a beau, during a specified period.
Always stipulate for beer-money, and propose it
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Mr. Punch at Home
less for your own advantage than as a measure of
economy to your mistress, urging that when there
is beer in the house it is very likely to get wasted.
You will, of course, have the milk in your eye,
when proposing this arrangement.
Tea and sugar must not be much insisted on,
for they are now seldom given, but this does not
prevent them from being very frequently taken.
Having said thus much by way of preliminary
advice, we commence our guides to service with
THE MAID-OF-ALL-WORK
On arriving in your new place you get from the
servant who is going away the character of your
new mistress. She has already had yours, and
you have a right to know hers, which, as it is
given by a domestic who is most probably dis-
charged, will, of course, be a very bad one.
When your predecessor has taken her departure,
your mistress may, perhaps, come into the kitchen
and tell you what you will have to do, or, at least,
a part of it. She will show you the bells, and tell
you which is the house bell, which the parlour
bell, which the drawing-room bell, and which
are the bells of the different bed-rooms ;
94
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Mr. Punch at Home
but she will not tell you how you are to
answer them when they are all ringing at
once, which may occasionally happen. As it will
probably be late when you arrive, you will have to
carry up the tray for supper, when you will be
stared at, and scrutinised as the new servant, by
the whole of the family. Let us now look at your
wardrobe. Two of each article will be enough, for
if the washing is done once a week you have a
change ; but if only once in three weeks, you must
contrive to supply yourself with the smaller
articles, such as stockings and pocket handker-
chiefs, from the family stock of linen.
As a maid-of-all-work, you have the great
advantage of being a good deal alone, and can
therefore indulge in the pleasures of philosophy.
You can light the fires, and think of Hobbes.
Fasten the hall-door, and recollect some passage
in Locke. Or broil the ham for breakfast while
wrapped up in Bacon.
You should rise early if you can, but if you can-
not you must make up for it by hurrying over your
work as quickly as possible. As warm water will
be wanted upstairs, don't stop to light the
96
MERELY MARY ANN " AGAIN." Please, 'm, the fishmonger says
will you have it filtered ? "
P.H.
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Mr. Puncn at Home
kitchen fire, but throw on two or three bundles of
wood, and set them all burning at once, when you
will have some hot water immediately. Run into
the parlour and open the shutters, light the fire,
cut the bread and butter, clean the shoes, make
the toast; and when this is on the table, devote
any time you may have to spare to sweeping the
carpet.
Now, the family having gone down to breakfast,
you may light the kitchen fire, and then run up
and make the beds. After which you may sit down
to your own breakfast, having previously, of
course, taken the opportunity of helping yourself
to tea and sugar from the tea-caddy.
You may now go upstairs, professedly to sweep
the bedrooms, but really to look out of window,
and if the street is a narrow one, talk to the
servant opposite. Besides, looking out of window
saves time, for you are able to answer the fifty
people who come to the door in the course of the
morning with hair-brooms, apples, carpets and
rugs, tapes and stay-laces.
Being in a new place, you will be naturally
curious to examine all the cupboards and drawers
98
Lady (engaging servant). " I ought to tell you that we are all strici
teetotalers here. I suppose you won't mind that ? " Mary Jane,
" Oh, no, mum. I've been in a reformed drunkard's family before ! '
99
G 3
SIMPLE SAYINGS FOR THE SILLY
Bad as it is to be fawned upon, it is better than to be
bitten.
up-stairs, but do not be too inquisitive at first, for
you will have other opportunities for a good
rummage.
You will now come down to cook the dinner ;
roo
SANCTA SIMPLICITAS
Orthodox Old Maid. " But, Rebecca, is your place of
worship consecrated ? "
Domestic (lately received into the Plymouth Brotherhood).
" Oh no, miss it's galvanised iron 1 "
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Mr. Punch at Home
but, as this is another branch of service, we pro-
ceed to tell you how to lay the table. . Lay the
knives and forks, taking the latter from the plate-
basket, where they will be kept, though they are
probably only Britannia metal or German silver ;
nevertheless, call it " the plate," as it will gratify
your mistress.
If the family should be addicted to display,
without means, you will have to set round doyleys
and wine-glasses, with a decanter containing a
remnant of British wine, which will not be touched,
but will be brought on " for the look of the thing "
every day after dinner. The time has now arrived
for your own meal, and make the most of it.
Secure all the tit-bits, and if you cannot manage
to get through the whole of them at dinner, put
away part of them for supper.
About this time the afternoon's milk will arrive,
and if you have beer-money you will take some of
the milk out for your own use, taking care to fill
up with warm water, so that you do not cheat your
mistress of her quantity. You will be in the
middle of washing up your dishes, when the
family will want tea, and you will have just sat
102
DISADVANTAGES OF PERFORMING AT A COUNTRY HOUSE IN THE
WASP SEASON. (Just in the most important passage too.)
103
X
X
** 1 wish, madam, you would not interrupt me every time
I try to say something. Do I ever break in when you're
talking ? "
" No, you brute, you go to sleep ! "
down to your own tea, when you will probably be
asked to do some mending. The best way to put
a stop to this is to turn sulky, do the work badly, or
express the greatest surprise, declaring that all the
time you have been out to service you never, &c.,
and would be glad to know who on earth, &c.,
&c., &c.
104
TO KEEP HIS MEMORY GREEN
He. " I was an intimate friend of your late husband.
Can't yon give me something to remember him by ? "
She (shyly). " How would I do ? "
105
THE SERVANT QUESTION
" Oh, I say, 'ave you seen the papers about * shall we
do without servants ? ' I should like to see 'em try, that's
all!" "Yus, and me too!"
You must not forget to cultivate your mind, and
for this purpose you had better take in " Brainy
Bits," and if you read it through every week,
your head at the end of the year will be full of
106
A CUT BENEATH HER
"Oh, yes, Jane, I asked Mrs.
boy and his nurse call to go
Lady oj the House.
Johnston to let her little
walking with you and the children." Nurse. " Well,
ma'am, I hope as you don't expect me to go walking with
that young person ? I don't think you can be aware as
she is only a nurse-housemaid I "
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Mr. Punch at Home
volcanic rocks, the solar system, primary strata,
electric eels, organic remains, and hints for pre-
serving gooseberries.
On washing days there will probably be a
woman come to wash ; and in the mutual con-
fidence of the tub, you will probably become very
friendly. You may, no doubt, be of great service
to each other, you in giving her bits of this and
that, while she may serve you by becoming the
agent for the disposal of your kitchen-stuff.
Do not fall a victim to low spirits, and above
all, avoid sentiment. A morbid-minded maid-of-
all-work, whose heart has been carried off in the
butcher's tray, the milkman's can, or the baker's
basket, is for ever lost. Never hang your affec-
tions on a policeman's staff. The force is pro-
verbially fickle, and many a servant girl has pined
with a hopeless passion for one who has moved in
a superior station.
One of the most trying situations for a maid-of-
all-work, is in a house where there are lodgers.
She will, very likely, have to take everything at
once to everybody at once. She will be having
the first tloor and the two-pair back clamouring
108
r * iffl^p^vBBiHiBBi
109
&
>,
s
r o
Ill
112
P.U.
Mr. Punch at Home
at the same time for the only tea-pot in the house,
while the parlour will be calling angrily for his
boots, which have been taken by mistake, to the
garret, who is writhing in intense agony for his
highlows.
THE COOK
For ages it has been believed that a certain
wicked person sends cooks ; but Johnson has
well observed, and so by the by have Smith
and Brown, that " if we had no cooks, we should
be as bad as cannibals."
Cooks have always been the subject of sarcasm,
and Jones tells us that even in his day the wits
loved to give the cooks a good roasting. It is
said, moreover, that " too many cooks will spoil
the broth," from which we may presume that, as
the workhouse broth is the very worst in the world,
a great many cooks must have a hand in it.
Apicius was the first man who made cookery a
science, and he poisoned himself : no doubt with
his own cookery. He invented several sauces,
and was, in fact, the Roman Harvey. He is
believed to have been the first who added the
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Mr. Punch at Home
trimmings to legs of mutton, and he took for his
motto the line in Virgil :
" At Regina gravi jamdudum saucta curd."
because the luxury of gravy, jam, sauce and cuny
are all shadowed forth in the quotation alluded to.
Dr. Johnson was, according to Boswell, "a man
of very nice discrimination in the science of
cookery," and he was proverbial for his sauce,
which he dealt out to every one with the greatest
freedom. Boswell once asked him if he liked
pickles, when he said, " No, sir; the man who
would eat a pickle would pick a pocket."
Boswell adds, " I ventured to say he would" ;
and they wound up the evening with grog, which
Boswell, as usual, had to pay for ; and it is thought
that the expression of " Standing Sam " originated
with Boswell having to stand whatever Sam
(Johnson) chose to call for.
The celebrated Dr. Parr was also a great
epicure, and liked his victuals underdone, from
which we have the expression Parr-boiling.
Milton loved his meat well dressed, and died with
a good thing in his mouth ; but whether it was a
116
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Mr. Punch at Home
morsel of philosophy, or something nice, has never
transpired.
Having said thus much of the ancient and
classical who took an interest in cookery, we
plunge down stairs into the modern kitchen, and
embrace the cook of the present period.
On going to be hired, you will, perhaps, be told
there are no perquisites allowed. Don't stick
out about that, for if perquisites are not allowed
you must take them.
It is easy to say the meat makes no dripping,
and, of course, you can't account for it.
It is a rule in cookery to make the best and the
most of everything, and you will therefore sell
your kitchen-stuff at the marine-store shop that
will give the best price for it.
In some families the mistress of the house will
assist the cook ; but she should have a sickener
of that as soon as possible. If she makes a pie,
spoil it in the baking ; for if there is any truth in
the adage about " too many cooks," the lady of
the house should not be encouraged in making one
of the number.
Order is a great essential to a cook, who should
118
ONE THING AT A TIME
Genial Master (under the painful necessity of discharging
his coachman}, " I'm afraid, Simmons, we must part. The
fact is, I couldn't help noticing that several times during
the last month you have been sober ; and I don't believe
a man can attend properly to the drink if he has driving
to do ! "
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Mr. Punch at Home
keep everything in its place, taking care to keep
herself as snugly in her place as possible. Never
connive at dishonesty in others, but keep yourself
to yourself ; for, if you rob your mistress, the least
return you can make is not to sanction others in
doing so.
Never go into any place where a cat is not kept.
This useful domestic animal is the true servants'
friend, accounting for the disappearance of tit-bits,
lumps of butter, and other odd matters, as well as
being the author of all mysterious breakages.
What the safety-valve is to the steam-engine, the
cat is to the kitchen, preventing all explosions or
blowings up that might otherwise occur in the
best regulated families.
Having laid down some general principles for
the guidance of cooks, we give a few maxims that
cannot be too strictly attended to.
1. Keep yourself clean and tidy if you can. If
your fingers are greasy wipe them on your hair,
which thus acquires a polish.
2. When a joint comes down from dinner, cut
off what you intend for your supper. If cut while
the joint is warm, it does not show that it hs
120
A WARM WELCOME. Distracted Hostess (to Uncle George, who
lias arrived unexpectedly). " Oh, I'm so glad you have come ! The
conjuror I had engaged hasn't turned up. So vow'll do some tricks
to amuse the children, won't you ? "
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Mr. Punch at Home
been cut. Relieve it also from all superfluous fat,
which will of course go into your grease-pot.
3. If you want a jelly-bag, cut up an ironing
blanket for the purpose. The former is of course
wanted in a hurry, but the latter may be procured
at leisure.
4. When your dishes come down stairs, throw
them all into scalding water at once. Those that
are not broken by the operation may afterwards
be taken out, and put in their proper places.
5. Scour your pickle-jars, but empty them first,
if you are fond of pickle.
6. If you have been peeling onions, cut bread-
and-butter with the same knife ; it will show the
multifariousness of your occupations, and perhaps
give a hint for raising your wages.
7. Let your spit and your skewers be always
rusty ; or, at least, do not take the trouble to
polish them ; for by leaving great black holes in
the meat, they show it has been roasted, which is
always better than being baked, and it will be the
more relished in consequence.
8. Never do anything by halves, except lamb,
which you must sometimes do by quarters.
122
INDIRECT ORATION. "Oh, if you please, mum, there's
no meat for dinner. The butcher 'as been and goue and
never come this morning 1 "
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Mr. Punch at Home
9. If you are cooking even a sheep's head or a
bullock's heart, take pains with them, so that what
you do may be equally creditable to your head
and heart.
10. If you have a follower, or a policeman,
who likes a snack, cut it off each joint before
you cook it for everything loses in the cooking
and the disappearance of one pound, at least,
in eight or nine, may thus be easily accounted
for.
The above maxims will be sufficient to guide
the cook in her course of service, and we do not
add any receipts, for it has been well said by
Dr. Kitchener, or might have been said by him as
well as by anyone else that he who gives a receipt
for making a stew, may himself make a sad hash
of it.
In bidding farewell to the cook, we would have
her remember that her control over the safe will
give her a peculiar influence over the hearts of
the police, and she must be careful not to enervate
a whole division, and leave a district defenceless,
by being too lavish with the blandishments of iove
and the larder.
124
SCENE Country Vicarage.
Burglar (who has been secured by athletic vicar after long
and severe struggle}. " I think you're treatin' me very crool
and a clergyman too 1 "
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Mr. Punch at Home
THE LADY'S-MAID
Ladies'-maids are the rarest articles of female
domestic service, and being in the nature of luxuries,
are the best paid. They are tocooksand housemaids
what the pine-apple is to the pomme de terre, and
for this pine-like superiority of station many are
doomed to pine in vain. The statistics of female
service give us a million maids as the grand total, and
deducting three-eighths for servants-of-all-work,
two-eighths for cooks, three-sixteenths for house-
maids, and one-eighth for nurses, we have a
surplus of one-sixteenth for ladies'-maids, which
will be about a fair average.
Servants belonging to this superior class should
be able to read and write. It is a good practice
in the former accomplishment to read all the notes
sent to your mistress, and the little motto wafers,
now in use, seem invented to facilitate this
arrangement, for they never adhere to the
envelope.
You will probably have the charge of your mis-
tress's apartments. Never suffer anything to lie
about, and, therefore, you should pocket any trifle
126
BRIDGE BELOW STAIRS. " Good gracious, James, what-
ever is the meaning of this extraordinary hilarity i a the
kitchen ? "
" Cook's just revoked for the third time, marm 1 "
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Mr. Punch at Home
that is left carelessly out of its place. I do not
mean to say you should become a thief, for, if
found out, you would lose your place, and your
character, but you must take care of a thing till it
is missed, and when it is wanted, it will, of course
be asked for. It is then time enough for you to
find it in some hole or corner, into which it has cf
course got by accident. Your lady's dressing-box
will be under your care. See that the scent-
bottles are always well supplied, which you can
only ascertain by taking a little out of them for
your own use very frequently.
You should endeavour at all times to save your
mistress trouble by acting for her as much as you
can ; and in order to do this effectually, you
should dress as much like her as possible. Order
about other servants just as she would herself,
and talk to tradespeople exactly as if they were
being spoken to by your mistress, of whom
you are the representative. Of course the
closer the representation you give of her, the
more exact are you in the performance of your
duty.
Some ladies'-maids are expected to mend their
128
P.H.
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Mr. Punch at Home
ladies' clothes ; but no lady, that is a lady, ought
to wear any clothes that have been mended. You
should try and persuade her to be of the same
opinion, by which you will not only save yourself
the trouble of mending, but you will come in for
many things much sooner than you could other-
wise hope to do. The author of the proverb,
that " a stitch in time saves nine," no doubt
thought himself very clever; but if avoiding
trouble is the object, it stands to reason that
though " a stitch in time saves nine," it must be a
greater saving still never to put a stitch in any-
thing.
If your mistress will make you work at your
needle, put a novel on your lap, so that you may
read and work at the same time. If you are
asked to cut out a body, make a bungling job of it,
that you may not be asked to do the same thing
again. If you cut out anybody it should be the
lady's-maid next door, with which your ambition
ought to be satisfied.
Taking out marks from linen is an essential part
of the duties of a lady's-maid. Some practise
themselves in this art by taking out the initials of
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Mr. Punch at Home
their mistress and substituting their own ; but this
is a dangerous experiment.
It is said in " Knight's Guide to Service " that
"when for the first time you stand behind your
mistress's chair to brush her hair, you may feel
that you are placed in a situation of high trust."
This, however, depends upon circumstances ; for
if your mistress dyes her hair, it is a great mark of
her confidence to ask you to brush it. If she
wears false braids, she is, to a certain extent, in
your power ; for, as the poet says
" Should she upbraid,"
you might betray her ; but if she is almost bald,
and wears a wig, from the moment of your being
entrusted to stand behind her chair and brush her
hair, you may do what you please with her.
If, in the story of Faustus, Margaret had worn a
wig, and Mephistophiles had seen her but once
without it, the power of the fiend over her would
have been irresistible.
In your position of lady's-maid, many family
secrets will perhaps come to your knowledge. Do
not talk of them to your fellow-servants, which
would, in fact, be destroying your own valuable
IJ2
xflo WM (2.^
A DIFFICULT TASK. "Jack, aear, 1 do wish you would
get another photo taken." " How often have I told you
I will not ? " " But why not ? " (Then, thoughtfully, after
a pause.} " Are you afraid of being asked to look pleasant ? "
133
Mr Punch at Home
monopoly. A servant who knows a great deal ot
the family affairs cannot be cheaply parted with.
You will be secure in your place, and will there-
fore be in a position to make the most of all its
advantages.
The little work we have already alluded to says,
that if the lady's-maid is depressed in spirits, " she
should open her mind to the friend, whoever it
may be, that got her the place." This friend is
usually the keeper of a servants' office, who would
have enough to do if she were made to bear the
infliction of all the unbosomings of all the discon-
tented servants she may have found situations for.
This mode of easing your heart would involve the
necessity of constantly running out, besides the
expense of an occasional omnibus.
Manners form an essential part of the qualities
of a lady's-maid, and making one's self agreeable
is the best mannered thing one can possibly
accomplish. This is to be done by praise, for
nothing is more agreeable to a lady than flattery.
However sensible your mistress may be, she is
sure to have a share of female vanity ; and even if
she knows herself to be ugly altogether, she will
134
UNHAPPILY EXPRESSED. She (who did not know they were
to meet). " Why, Mr. Brown, this is a pleasant surprise ! "
He (who did}. " I can't altogether say that it is so to me,
Miss Jones! v
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Mr. Punch- at Home
fancy she has some redeeming feature. If she
squints, praise her complexion ; if that is bad, tell
her she has beautiful eyes : if she has a dumpty
figure, praise her face ; and if her countenance is
as ugly as sin, tell her that her shape is exquisite.
Some people will tell you that sensible women
don't like flattery ; but this you must not believe ;
for, however sensible they are, they are pleased by
it, particularly when it is administered with so
much art as to seem not intended for mere com-
pliment. Very palpable praise is insulting to the
generality of ladies ; but flattery can scarcely be
too gross for some few of them. You should study
the character of your mistress, that you may not
run the risk of offending her by too much praise,
or hurting her by giving too little. Your mistress
will sometimes take a journey, and you will then
have to pack her things for her. The following
directions for packing a lady's portmanteau may,
therefore, be of use to you : Put the lighter
dresses at the bottom, for these will not be wanted
while travelling; and artificial flowers, wreaths,
&c., may go along with them. Insert next a layer
ot dress caps, and ram well down with heavy
136
Belle of Balham (to professor, who has just played Chopin's
funeral march}. " That's awfully jolly 1 Now play one of
Lohengrin's things ! "
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Mr. Punch at Home
dresses, to keep the others in their places. Throw
in a sprinkling of shoes, and then add the rest of
the wardrobe ; cramming-in the marking-ink and
the desk at the top, where they are easily got at
if they are wanted. Thrust in scissors and hair-
brushes anywhere that you can find room for
them. Get the footman to cord the box, for it
will be a good romp for you, as well as great
assistance.
By following these instructions, you will find
that you have a tolerably snug place of it.
THE NURSERY-MAID
Any one may undertake the place of a nursery-
maid. As every female has, when a girl, been in
the habit of carrying, letting fall, snubbing and
slapping, either her own or some one else's little
brothers and sisters, it is easy to say you have
been accustomed to children.
Supposing that you enter service as a nursery-
maid, there will, perhaps, be an upper nurse, who
will be, in fact, your mistress. Your care at
home will be to wait on her ; and when walking
out, you will have to keep the children at a
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Mr. Punch at Home
convenient distance while she flirts with her beau,
who will probably be one of the British soldiery.
This will be very tantalising to you at first ; but
you must recollect that your own time will come,
if you wait patiently.
Some places are very different from others. You
may go into a wealthy family where the children
are kept upstairs, like live lumber, in the nursery,
and are only brought out now and then for show,
like the horses of the state carriage, or the best tea-
set. If you curb their spirits that they may be
docile on those occasions, and turn them out to
the best advantage as far as appearance is con-
cerned, you will be a favourite with your mistress.
In some places you will be what is called
" assisted " by the mother ; or, in other words,
interfered with, just enough to destroy all your
attempts at discipline. In this case, your mis-
tress will doubtless tell you, that if you cannot
manage the children, she must find someone who
can, and will give you warning accordingly.
It is not necessary to give you any particular
directions about your dress, for the penny Belle
A ssemblee will furnish you with all the latest
140
Mr. Punch at Home
fashions ; and you have only to do in cottons and
stuffs, what your mistress is doing in silks and
satins. You should bear in mind, that you are
not obliged to make yourself a dowdy to please
any one; for nature has doubtless given you a
pretty face, and the gifts of nature ought to be
made the most of. Besides, if you are a servant
at home, you are a lady out of doors ; and you
may even keep a parasol at the greengrocer's, to
be ready for you when you take a holiday.
When you go to a new place, your mistress will,
perhaps, tell you the character of each child, that
you may know how to manage their different
tempers; but you will, of course, use your own
discretion. If one is pointed out as a high-spirited
little fellow, you may be sure that he is fond of
killing flies, tying toys to the dog's tail, striking
you, and crying, as if you had struck him, when
he hears his mamma coming. If you are told
that one of the dear boys has a turn for finding
out how everything is made, and he must not be
checked, as his papa intends him for a civil-
engineer, you may be sure that the juvenile spirit
of inquiry will be shown in pulling your work-box
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Mr. Punch at Home
to pieces, unless you turn his attention to the
furniture, which he should be encouraged to dis-
sect in preference to any of your property.
When you have a baby to take care of, some say
you should be particular in its food; but if the
child cries you have no time for this, and you must
stop its mouth with anything that comes handiest.
Indiscriminate feeding is said to lay the foundation
of diseases which remain with the child through
life ; but as you do not remain with the child so
long, this is not your business. A nurse who
knows thoroughly what she is about, will keep a
little Godfrey's Cordial, or some other opiate,
always at hand but quite out of sight to soothe
the infant; for nothing is so distressing to the
mother, or such a nuisance to yourself, as to hear
a child continually crying. When there is only
one infant these soothing syrups must be cau-
tiously applied, lest the necessity for a nurse
should terminate altogether, and you are thrown
out of your situation.
An infant sometimes requires example before it
will take to its food, and, as it is very nice, you
may as well eat one half of it first, to encourage
144
PH.
Mr. Punch at Home
the infant to eat the other. Use sugar in chil-
dren's food very sparingly, and, lest the infant be
tempted to want some of the sugar that is saved
out of the quantity allowed, lose no time in locking
it up out of sight in your own tea-caddy. If you
wish to save your beer-money, recollect that milk
is heavy for children, unless mixed copiously with
water. As nothing ought to be wasted, you can
drink what remains, instead of beer, at your
dinner.
There are many very troublesome duties that
some nurses undertake in order to amuse the
child; but as Nature is acknowledged to be the
best nurse, you had better let Nature try her
hand at all the hard work, while you confine
yourself to that which is easy.
When a child reaches a certain age it will begin
to want amusement, when, if there are no toys,
you may give it the poker and tongs, or set it down
on the floor before the coal-scuttle. Opening and
shutting a box is also an amusement; as it involves
occasionally the shutting in of the child's own
fingers, the operation combines instruction also.
As a child may be troublesome while being washed,
146
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give it the powder-puff; and as every thing goes
to the mouth, the dear little thing will commence
sucking the powder-puff, which will keep it quiet.
A very interesting age in children is when they
begin "to take notice." When taking a walk
with the children it cannot be expected that you
can always have your eyes on them, and you
must therefore accustom them to take care of
themselves as much as possible. Besides, self-
preservation is the first law of Nature, and a child
cannot too soon be taught to follow it. Thus, if
you are looking about you and the children get
into the road, while a carriage is passing, you will
probably not be aware of their danger, till it is
past, when you will begin slapping and scolding
your little charges that they may know better for
the future.
It is a very fine thing to encourage generosity in
children, and you should therefore talk a great
deal about the presents you have received on
birth-days and on other occasions from the little
dears in the place where you last lived. This will
of course give your mistress a hint as to what she
ought to do. For the children will naturally ask
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Mr Punch at Home
to be allowed to make you presents, and the
parents not liking to check the amiable feeling,
and desirous of not being thought shabby in com-
parison with your former employers, will no doubt
give through the hands of the children what
you may have occasion for.
If you have nephews and nieces you may supply
them with many little articles of dress that are pro-
nounced to be " past mending." If your mistress
notices that the stock of children's things diminish,
you can suggest that " things won't wear for
ever," which often passes as an apology for a
sensible diminution in the number of socks and
pinafores. You may observe that Master So-and-
So is such " a spirited little fellow, that he does
wear his things out very fast," and your mistress
will be satisfied if she thinks her child's spirit has
caused half his wardrobe to evaporate.
If you follow all these instructions to the letter,
you will make as good a nursery-maid as the best
of them.
HINT TO HOUSEMAIDS. How to destroy flies
encourage spiders.
ISO
NATURAL RELIGION
Bishop (reproving delinquent page}. "Wretched boy!
Who is it that sees and hears all we do, and before whom
even I am but as a crushed worm ? '
Page. " The missus, my lord 1 "
" A FELLOW-FEELING MAKES us WONDROUS KIND."
"Whatl going to leave us, James?" "Yes, sir, I'm
very sorry, sir, but I really can't put up with missus any
longer 1" "Ah, James 1 think how long I've put up
with her!"
153
" Yes, she's a nice girl ; but I can't get on with her.
She has so little to say for herself."
" Oh, but 7've been talking to her for the last hour,
and she doesn't interrupt. Now, that's what I think so
charming ! "
154
IMPOSSIBLE ! He (relating a thrilling experience}. "If I hadn't
skipped to one side, I should have been run over ! I assure you I
had a very narrow escape ! "
155
'56
Mistress (about to engage a new housemaid). " Have you
had any experience?" Applicant. "Oh yes, mum.
I've been in 'undrtds of sitiwations I "
158
*- 1, Vrr.
SOMETHING NEW. Young Ass. "Aw I'm bored to
death with life 1 " She. " Why don't you do something ? "
Young Ass. " Aw there's nothing worth doing that I
haven't tried." She. " Isn't there ? There must be. Try
and think"
159
BRIG A BRAC. Lady Croesus. " Oh, what a sweet table I Where
did you get it, my dear ? Oh, I see here's the man's card." (Spelling
the label:) '"Table Louis Quinze.' Louis Quinzey ! What a horrid
name I and why hasn't he put his address ? "
160
Mr. Boreham (who has already stayed over an hour and talked about
himself the whole time). "Yes, I'm sorry to say I'm a martyr to
insomnia. I've tried everything, but I cannot get sleep at night ! "
His Hostess (sweetly). " Oh, buc I can tell you a very simple remedy.
You should talk to yourself-^after going to bed ! "
P.H. tfl L
i6 3
L 2
OUR DQMESTICS. " Listen Jack. I've put down ' kitchen
and scullery maids kept; only two in family; beer allowed;
no dairy ; extra help when required.' Now, can you suggest
any other inducement I can offer ? " " Well you might
add ' charming scenery 1 ' "
164
" BUT THOSE UNHEARD ARE SWEETER"
SCENE A Boarding-house.
Wife. " Why do you always sit at the piano, David ? You know
you can't play a note 1 "
David. " Neither can anyone else, while I am here ! "
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Mr. Punch at Home
THE LOST CHANCE
New Maidservant (much pleased with herself). A
gentleman called to see you, sir, and said as he
were just leavin' town for some time. Knowin'
as you didn't
want to be dis-
turbed this morn-
ing, I told him as
you was hout
Master. Quite
right. (To himself)
Sharp girl this !
New Maid
(cheerfully) and
told him as I
didn't know when
you'd be back
igain. 'Is card's
in the 'all, sir.
He 'ave wrote
somethin' on it.
[She fetches it,
returns, and
A PAGE DRAWING" Presents it.
168
SNUBBING
He. " Sorry I forgot your party the other evening 1 "
She. " Oh, weren't you there ? "
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Mr. Punch at Home
Master (reads writing on card, then suddenly springing
up, exclaims) Oh (stops the escape of a very strong
expletive) How long ago ?
New Maid (cheerfully). Oh, quite a hour. There
was luggidge on the cab.
Master (subsiding hopelessly in chair, to Maid).
You can go. (A lone, grinding his teeth.) Confound
the idiot ! (Reads card muttering to himself.)
Snooker Poole, Chork Cottage, Kew. "Called to
repay coin personally. Sorry to miss you. So long ! "
I shall never see my hundred and fifty again ! . . . .
That's the worst of new servants !
[He is left considering whether it would not be as
well to alter the form of his instructions to the
hand-maiden. Scene closes.
THE BOASTFULNESS OF BELINDA. Arabella
(concluding the description of the magnificence of her
employer's home). And in the servants' 'all we 'as
'ot plovers' heggs ev'ry mornin' for brekfist.
Belinda. That's nothin'. At hour 'ouse hall
the fires is laid with reel sparrow-grass sticks
instead of wood !
[Arabella dries up.
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Mr. Punch at Home
SPRING-CLEANING HINTS
(With acknowledgments to the " World and his Wife ")
HOW TO MAKE OLD PICTURES LOOK NEW.
MANY houses have pictures darkened with age
which only need a little drastic treatment to make
them as fresh and bright as new oleographs. The
surface should first be soaked in a strong solution
of hydrochloric acid and then rubbed with an old
nail-brush. Any paint that should chance to be
removed can easily be supplied by a local artist
for a few pence. We heard of a Sir Joshua
Reynolds which was treated like this the other
day in its owner's absence, and on his return was
mistaken by him for a Christmas supplement.
TO REVIVE KID.
Give the kid a stiff brandy-and-soda.
A PRETTY USE FOR OLD BOOTS.
It is a mistake to throw away old boots as use-
less, or to waste them on newly-married couples.
A most charming effect can be obtained by
planting a fern in the heel and hanging the boot
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Mr. Punch at Home
from the ceiling in the window. Any kind of fern
will do.
TO REMOVE STAINS ON THE CEILING.
The best thing to do is to re-whitewash the
whole surface, which is done by lying on one's
back on the top of the bookshelves and dabbing
away steadily. But if the stain still shows
through it is best to spill water systematically on
the floor of the room above until you have stained
the ceiling uniformly, leaving it a russet brown.
After all, why should ceilings be white ?
TO REDDEN LOBSTER.
Take a saucepan of boiling water and plunge
the lobster in. It will emerge quite red and
lovable.
TO RENOVATE BLACK LACE.
Wash in beer, beat between the folds of a linen
cloth, and, when nearly dry, iron with a cool (not
cold) iron. It is not advisable to drink the beer
unless you are very thirsty. Good housewives
find a way of getting it back into the kitchen
cask.
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Mr. Punch at Home
TO REMOVE INK STAINS FROM THE FINGERS.
Fill your mouth with spirits of salt and then
suck the fingers thoroughly.
TO REMOVE STAINED PATCHES FROM THE WALL
PAPER.
This cannot be done. The only things to do
are (a) re-paper entirely, or (b} re-arrange the
furniture to hide the places.
TO REVIVE OSTRICH FEATHERS.
Soak the feathers in the best Australian wine
(Emu brand), and then bury them up to the hilt in
the sand. If the feathers still remain unconscious
apply a hot-water bottle.
TO EXTRICATE MOTH FROM FUR.
Stimulate the moths by smelling-salts, and when
they begin to show signs of activity remove the
furs into a dark room lit by several strong wax
candles. The moths will immediately quit the
furs and rush into the flames of the candles.
176
P.H.
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Mr. Punch at Home
TO REMOVE MARMALADE FROM VELVET.
Immerse in a lather of white soap in hot water,
and, after rinsing and dabbing firmly for five
minutes, apply benzoline with a nutmeg-grater.
If the marmalade then refuses to go, send for the
police.
HOW TO LIGHT A FIRE WITH CELLULOID
COLLARS.
Heat the collar over a gas jet until it begins to
crack, then apply a fusee and thrust the collar
between the bars of the grate.
THE AMENDE HONOURABLE
QUOTH Will, " On that young servant-maid
My heart its life-string stakes."
" Quite safe ! " cries Dick, " don't be afraid-
She pays for all she breaks."
A "TIMES" QUERY ANSWERED
SAY, ** Who controls Policeman X ? "
Why, look'ee,
He so devoted to the sex,
. And ever wary
Near an "airy "
Is oft controlled by " Cooky."
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Mr. Punch at Home
CRUCIAL QUESTIONS
For both sexes at varioiis ages
AT FIVE.
She. WILL my new doll open and shut her
eyes ?
He. Off to a party ! Will they have mince-
pies ?
AT TEN.
She. Will pretty Master Smith be there this
time ?
He. Will Uncle take me to the pantomime ?
She. Will Mamma let me wear my hair in
curl ?
He. I say, how many 1's are there in " girl " ?
AT FIFTEEN.
She. Will he give me or Fan the first round
dance ?
He. Will our chaps at the wickets have a
chance ?
She. Will my next dress be made with longer
skirts.
He. Hoisted ? O crikey ! Wonder if it hurts ?
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Mr. Punch at Home
She. Did that sly Fanny hear him call me
"dear"?
He. I wonder if this "weed" will turn me
queer ?
AT TWENTY.
She. Will Papa think dear Percy's " screw "
too small ?
He. Does this moustache mean to come on at
all?
She. Was it my eyes with which he seemed so
struck ?
He. Is it a " pass," I wonder, or a " pluck " ?
She. I wonder whether He will " pop " to-
night ?
He. I wonder whether She will answer right ?
AT TWENTY-FIVE.
She. Shall I, oh shall I, have a chance this
season ?
He. Astiffish total! Will there be a breeze
on ?
She. Quite pale ! Shall I put; on the tiniest
touch ?
Mr. Punch at Home
He. Most brilliant! Wonder if she rouges
much?
She. Not a bad figure ! Has he any tin ?
He. Backed "Slowboy" for a pot! D'ye
think he'll win ?
She. Long dress bill ! Shall I get into hot water ?
He. Can I stave off old Snip another quarter ?
AT THIRTY.
She. Will the new curate be engaged or not ?
He. Close thing ! Shall I have nerve to make
the shot ?
She. Is flirting really now a sort of sinning ?
He. Is my neat middle parting really thinning ?
She. Now shall I get a partner for this dance ?
He. Old Boodles leaving ! Shall / have a
chance ?
She. Engaged at last ! Now will he keep a
carriage ?
He. That's done ! How shall I like the yoke
of marriage ?
AT FORTY.
She. When will the major come up to the
scratch ?
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Mr. Punch at Home
He. Fat, plain and forty ! Shall I risk the
match ?
She. Is that a tinge of red about my nose ?
He. Does the grey show unless one looks too
close ?
She. Could I get on those "sixes" at a pinch ?
He. Must I allow the vest another inch ?
Slie. Did Lady Linda mean that as a snub ?
He. Will they blackball me at the Buffers'
Club?
She. Is the dear fellow right about confession ?
He. How stands my chance if they dissolve
this session.
AT FIFTY.
She. Will Flora hook the wealthy cotton-
spinner ?
He. Must I drop drinking port wine alter
dinner ?
She. Not meet ! Great Heavens ! Am I
getting stout ?
He. By Jingo, was that twinge a touch of
gout ?
She. Did he mean anything by that warm
glance ? *
186
;S 7
Mr. Punch at Home
He. Shall I have "go" to get through this
round dance ?
She. Will it be Brighton or the Continent ?
He. My dear, can that last cheque be wholly
spent ?
AT SIXTY.
She. Will Lady Jane before those Jones's bow ?
He. Shall I, I wonder, get my knighthood
now ?
She. Doctor, dear doctor, what does ail my
back ?
He. Will Lord Fitz-Faddle give that berth to
Jack?
She. Is Nelly really sweet on that young
Brown ?
He. Are Costa Ricas going up or down ?
She. He seemed so sparkish ! Is it quite too
late?
He. Dull, this ! Am I too old a bird to mate ?
OUTRAGE ON GOLDSMITH
(By a sleepy housemaid, concerning missus)
She rings us up at 7, till 10 she lies
*' More bent to raise the wretched, than to rise."
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Mr. Punch at Home
CUTTING ! Host. " What bin did you put that
Marsala in, Muggles ? "
New Butler. " In the ah dust-bin, sir! ! "
SOCIAL GARDENING. Cultivating an acqaint-
ance.
0. What's the difference between a fraudulent
Bank Director and a Servants' Registry Office ?
A. The former cooks books, the latter books
cooks.
THE SUBLIME. The fashions of this season.
THE RIDICULOUS. The fashions of last season.
MUFFS AND MARQUISATES
LORD M's a muff; but shrewd mammas deter-
mine
Muffs have a value when they're trimmed with
ermine !
THE BEST FRENCH EXERCISES FOR GIRLS.
A series of practical studies in cookery d la
Frangaise.
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Mr. Punch at Home
CLERICAL ESTHETICS. Fair Parishioner.
" And do you like the pulpit, Mr. Auriol ? "
The New Citrate. " I do not. Er it hides too
much of the figure, and I like every shake of the
surplice to tell 1 "
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