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THE NASBT PAPERS. 



THE 



NASBY PAPERS. 



BY 



PETROLEUM T. NASBY, 



PASTOR UV THE CHURCH UV THE XOO DISPENSASHUN, 



HALIFAX : 

MILNER AND SOWERBY. 
1866. 



Ex Libris 
C. K. OGDEN 




THE LIBRARY 

OF 

THE UNIVERSITY 

OF CALIFORNIA 

LOS ANGELES 



Hi, 

<£>/ 

DEDIKASHEN. ZsL-Tln 



To that Sterlin Patryot and unkorruptible 
crischen gentleman, Fernandywood, uv Noo 
York ; 

To that hi-toned man and wool-dyed Dini- 
okrat, Franklin Peerse, uv Noo Hampshire ; 

To that long-suffrin but pashent Dimokrat, 
Jesse D. Brite, uv Injeany, whose highest 
recommendashun is that he was eckspelled f rum 
a Ablishn Senit, but who wood hev resined 
hed ther ever bin a presedent fer a Dimokrat 
resinin ; and 

To the grate Vallandygum, uv Ohio, who 
went to the stake with a kamness onparallel- 
led for prinssipple, 

These book is respectfully dediked, by 

THE ORTHER. 
Parsonage, Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, 
Wingert's Corners, 0., Aug. 1, 1864. 



3064138 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 

I. On Negro Emigration 9 

II. Has an Interview with Vallandigham 14 

III. Annihilates an Oberlinite 20 

IV. Shows why he should not be drafted 24 
V. In Canada 27 

VI. Is finally drafted 31 

VII. Deserts— His Experience in Clothes 35 

VIII. Captures a Turkey 40 

IX. Improves his Fortunes by Marriage 44 

X, Converses with a Southern Soldier 48 

XI. At Home 52 

XII. Assists Draft Registers 56 

XIII. Strategises ... 60 

XIV. Addresses the Soldiers 63 

XV. Organizes a Democratic Church... 67 

XVI. Goes on with his Church 72 

XVII. StartsnPaper 76 

XVIII. Preaches and makes a sudden Shift 80 

XIX. Observes a Day of Fasting 84 

XX. Visits Vallandigham 88 

XXI. Confession of Faith 92 

XXII. Preaches— Subject "Given" 96 

XXIII, Visits Camp Dennison to Election- 
eering for Vallandigham 101 

vii 



Vlll CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

XXIV. Iii the " Apossel Biznis" 104 

XXV. Wailetn 108 

XXVI. "Changes his Base" 112 

XXVII. Has an Interview with the President 116 

XXVIII. Preaches 121 

XXIX. Submits a Plan for the Salvation of 

the Democratic Party 120' 

XXX. Takes a Retrospective View 130 

XXXI. Communes with Spirits 135 

XXXII. Tries an Experiment 140 

XXXIII, Establishes African Slavery 114 

XXXIV. Preaches— Subject « The Prodygal 

Sun" 148 

XXXV. Dreams 152 

XXXVI. His Letter on Fremant's Nomina- 

tion 155 

XXXVII. Sonnit onto a Soljer — From a Dim- 

mekratic Stan-pint 159 



THE NASBY PAPEES. 



ON NEGRO EMIGRATION. 

There is now 15 niggers, men, wimin 
and children, or ruther, mail, femail and 
yung, in Wingert's Corners, and yister- 
day another arrove. I am bekomin 
alarmed, fer ef they inkreese at this 
rate, in suthin over sixty yeres they'll 
hev a majority in town, and may, ef 
they git mene enuff, tyrannize over us, 
even ez we are tyrannizin over them. 
The danger is imminent ! Alreddy our 
poor white inhabitans is out uv employ- 
ment to make room fer that nigger — 
even now our shops and factories is full 
uv that nigger, to the grate detriment 
uv a white inhabitant who hcz a family 

9 



10 THE NA8BY PAPERS. 

2 support, and our Poor Hows and 
Jail is full uv him. 

I imploar the peeple to wake up. 
Let us bold a mass meetin to take this 
subgit in2 considerashen, and that biz- 
nis may be expeditid, I perposs, the 
adopshen uv a serez uv Preamble and 
Rezolooshens, suthin like the follerin, 
to-wit : 

Ware as, We vew with alarm the 
ackshun uv the Presydent uv the U. S., 
in recommendin the immejit emansipa- 
shun uv the slaves uv our misgidid 
Suthern brethiin, and his evident in- 
tenshun uv kolonizin on em in the 
North, and the heft on em in Wingret's 
Corners, and 

Ware as, In the event uv this immi- 
grashun, our fellow townsman, Abslum 
Kitt, and uthers, hooz familis depend 
upon thare laber fer support, wood be 
throde out uv employment, and 

Wareas, Wen yoo give a man a hoss, 
yoo air oblecgd to also make him a 
present uv a silver plated harnis and a 
$350 buggy, so ef we let the nigger live 
here we air in dooty bound to let him 
vote, and to marry him off-hand, and 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 11 

Wareas, Wen this stait uv afFares 
arrivs, our kentry will be no fit plais 
fer men uv edjucasken and refinement, 
and 

Wareas, Eny man Levin the intellek 
uv a brass-mountid jackass, kin eesily 
see that the 2 races want never intendid 
to liv together, and 

Wareas, Bein in the majority we 
kin do ez we please, and ez the nigger 
.aint no vote he kant help hisself, there- 
fore be it 

Resolved, That the crude, un-de- 
odorizd Afrikin is a disgustin obgik. 

Resolved, That the Convenshun, 
wen it hez its feet washed, smells 
sweeter ner the Afrikin in his normal 
condishun, and his ther4 his sooperier. 

Resolved, That the niggers be druv 
out uv Wingert'a Corners, and that sich 
property ez they may hev akkumulatid 
be konfistikatid, and the proseeds ap- 
plide to the follerin purposis, to wit : 

Payment uv the bills uv the Dime- 
kratik Central Kommitee, 

Payment uv the disintrestid patriots 
ez got up this meetin. 



12 THE NASBY PAPEItS. 

The balens to remane in my hands. 

Resolved, That the Ablishnists who 
oppose these Resolushens all want to 
marry a nigger. 

Resolved, That Dr. Petts, in rentiu 
a part nv his bildin to niggers, hez 
struck a blow at the very foundashens 
uv sosiety. 

Fello whites, arowz! The inemy is 
onto us! Our harths is in danger! 
Wen we hev a nigger for Judge — ■ 
niggers fer Teechers— niggers in pulpits 
— wen nigger rool and controle sosiety, 
then will you remember this warnin ! 

Arowz to-wunst! Rally agin Con- 
way! Rally agin Sweet! Rally agin 
Hegler ! Rally agin Hegler's family ! 
Rally agin the porter at the Reed 
House ! Rally agin the cook at the 
Crook House ! Rally agin the nigger 
widder in Yance's addishun! Rally 
agin Missis Umstid ! Rally agin Missis 
Umstid's children by her first husband ! 
Rally agin Missis Umstid's children by 
her sekkund husband ! Rally agin all 
the rest uv Missis Umstid's children ! 
Rally agin the nigger that kum yister- 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 13 

day Rally agin the saddle-kulnrd 
girl that yoost 2 be hear! Amcriky 
for white men! 

Petroleum V. Nasbt. 



14 THE NASEY PAPEEf 



II. 

HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH 
VALLANDIGHAM. 

Washinton, Joon the 1st, 'C2. 

I am in Wasbinton. I stand under the 
sbadder uv the temple nv Liberty, and 
am reposin my weary lims in the kool 
shades uv Freduin. But I can't realize 
that this is the saim Wasbinton I yoost 
to visit. I yoost to go from Pennsil- 
vany to the kappytle wunst a yere to 
git my stock uv Dimocrisy recrootid, 
and to find out wat we wuz expectid to 
bleeve doorin the kumin yere, thus get- 
tin full 6 inunth abed uv my nabers. I 
wuz wunst electid gustis of peese in 
Berks county, by knoin nearly a yere 
in advanse wat we wuz to vote fer that 
ortum. They thot Nasby wuz a smart 
man. 

2 resoom. This is not the Wasbinton 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 15 

that wunst I knode. Oar kappytle is 
now a Ablisbn kamp. The brite sun 
reflex glittrin raze frum shinin baynets 
— the ere is horrifi.de with the rumble 
uv kannon wheels, and the iren-shod 
war-steed klatterz on the stony street. 
The slaiv-pens, them proud moniments 
uv the sooperiority of the Anglo-Sack - 
sun race, hez bin swep away, and with 
them the haft uv the Dimocrisy. O ! 
my kontry ! Wher is Tooms, and 
Taney, and Wigfall? The lofty domes 
of the kappytle don't re-ekko no moar 2 
ther sole-inspirin voisis. Ez I reflek 
that these pillers of Dimocrisy aint hear, 
and wat is wuss that they dassent kum 
here — that these place that knode em 
wunst will kno em no moor forever, my 
manly buzzuin throbs with sorrer, and 
my prowd form is bowed in anguish. O 
thow fell sperit uv Abolishnizm, thow 
hast much to anser fer — mucher than 
thow canst anser. Wood that I cood 
hev thee owt uv these sakrid precinks, 
and with gentil stranes woo back them 
ez we hev lost. Avant thow grim and 
nasty cuss — my stumick heeves whenecr 
I think uv thee. . 



16 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

2 resom. I kum hear to see Vallan- 

dygum — I huutid him up, and last nite 
we mingled our goys and sorrers in a 
talk that last 2 ours. We had a bottle 
uv koncentratid kontentment, and after 
disposin uv a suffishensy thereof, Yal- 
landygum commenst: — 

"Nasby," sez he, " we're in a fix." 
" Yallandygum," sez I, "to wich do 
yoo elude — our distractid kountry ?" 

" Nary," sez he, " I wuz a speekin uv 
myself, and the rest uv us. Them's my 
kountry," 

" Sagashus man," sez I, " youm rite. 
Politerkilly we're ez bad off ez our 
friends in Fort Warm is personally — 
we're in a tite place." 

"Yes," sez he, "and we must git out. 
We must carry Ohio this ortum." 
" Certingly," sez I, " but how?" 
41 1 hev," sez he, " the plan uv the 
campane fixt. Fustly, we must oppose 
the holesail votin by niggers." 

"But," sez I, "no niggers votes in 
Ohio." 

" Nasby," sez he, a puttin his thum to 
his nose, " a man uv straw is the eeziest 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 17 

knockt down, especially ef yoo hev set 
him up yourself fer the perpus uv 
kuockin uv him down. Secondly, the 
immense emygrashen uv niggers into 
Ohio must be prohibytid." 

" But," sez I, " no niggers air comin, 
er hev any noshun uv comin in2 Ohio." 

" 3rdly," sez he, " the alarmin amal- 
gamashun uv the races must be prohib- 
bytid." 

" But," sez I, u ther 's no amalgama- 
shen north uv the Ohio river." 

u 4thiy," sez he, M the idee uv allowin 
the nigger to stand on a equality with 
the whites, must be squelcht ." 

" But," sez I, " noboddy wants 'em to 
be our ekals." 

11 5thly," sez he, " no nigger must ever 
be allowd to hev offis in Ohio." 

■ But," sez I, " nobody wants the nig- 
ger to hev offis." 

"Nevermind, Nasby," sez he, "nig- 
ger is our trump card — we must lead off 
with it. Taxes is a good dodge, fer no 
man likes to pay taxes, and we must 
work em up on that. After nigger, 
4G5 b 



18 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

compromise is our best holt. Ef by a 
fair, ekitable compromise — " 

"To-wit, givin our Suthern brethren 
all they want," murmured I — 

"We kin end this unnateral war," 
continnered be, " wicb bez tored up the 
foundasbens uv liberty, and rent the 
proud old Dimekratik party in twain," — 

" Into 2 twains," sighd I, like a ekoin 
zephyr. 

"And reskoo the guverment from the 
jobbers and spekulaters who now con- 
trole it, and put it into the hands of pure 
men — " 

" Sech ez Floyd, and Bright, and we," 
eejestid I, smilin sweetly. 

" Then," continnerd he, a wettin his 
lips at the mouth uv the bottle, " we will 
not hev labered in vain. To do this and 
bring back the fraternal feelins uv yoar, 
this bluddy war must cease. Oh, Nas- 
by, the dimekratik staits is bein invadkl, 
the homes uv our Suthern brethren is 
bein violatid, ther niggers and house- 
hold gods is bein torn from em, and on- 
less we kin stand between em and rooin, 
will they, wen peese is restored, take us 



THE NASBY TAPERS. 19 

back and give us the politikle cruros 
they cant use ? Nary." 

It was past 3 o'clock, wen I part id from 
that trooly grate man. He give me a 
gineral outline uv the plans uv the con- 
fedrits, and red me letters he had re- 
seevd from Tooms, Davis, et settry. 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 



20 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

III. 

ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE. 

COLUMBUS^O., 

June the 21, '62. 

I wuz onto my way to Columbus to at- 
tend the annooal gatherin uv the fathe- 
iul at that city, a dooty I hev religusly 
performed fer over 30 yeres. Ther wuz 
but wun seet vakent in the car, and onto 
that I sot down. Presently a gentleman 
carrying uv a karpit bag, sot down be- 
side me, and we to-wunst commenst 
conversashen. After discussin the crops, 
the wether, et settry, I askt wher he re- 
sided. 

" In Oberlin," sez he. 

"Obcrlin!" shreekt I. "Oberlin! 
wher Ablishnism runs rampant — wher 
a nigger is 100 per cent, better ner a 
white man — wher a mulatto is a obgik 
uv pitty on account uv hevin white blood. 
Oberlin! that stoncst the Diuickratik 



TH3 NASBY PAPERS. 21 

prophets, and woodent be gathered under 
Vallandygum's wings as a hen kawk 
gathereth chickens, at no price— Oberlin, 
that gives all the profits uv her college 
to the support uv the underground rale- 
rode—" 

" But," sez he. 

"Oberlin," continyood I, "that 
reskoos niggers, and sets at defians the 
benifisent laws fer takin on em back to 
their kind and hevenly-minded masters 
—Oberlin"— 

" My jentle frend," sez he, "Oberlin 
don't do nuthin uv the kind. Too've bin 
misinformd. Oberlin respex the laws, 
and hez now a body uv her galyent sons 
in the feeld a fightin to manetane the 
Constooshn." 

" A fightin to maintane the Con- 
stooshn," retortid I. " My frend" (and 
I spoke impressivly), " no Oberlin man 
is a doin any sich thing. Oberlin never 
fit for no Constooshn. Oberlin commenst 
this war, Oberlin wuz the prime cause uv 
all the trubble. Wat wuz the beginnin 
uv it. Our Suthrin brethrin wantid the 
territories — Oberlin objectid. They 
wantid Kansas fer ther blessid instoosl n 



22 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

— Oberlin agin objecks. They sent colo- 
nies with muskits and sich, to hold the 
terry tory — Oberlin sent 2 thowsand arm- 
ed with Bibles and Sharp's rifles — two 
instooshns Dimocrisy cood never stand 
afore — and druv em ont. They wantid 
Breckinridge fer President — Oberlin re- 
fused and elektid Linkin. Then they 
seceded, and why is it that they still 
holdout?" 

He made no answer. 

" Becoz," continyood I, transfixin him 
with my penetratin gaze, " Oberlin won't 
submit. We mite 2-day hev peece, ef 
Oberlin would say to Linkin, ' Resine !' 
and to Geff Davis, ' Come up higher !' 
When I say Oberlin, understand it ez 
figgerative fer the entire Ablishn party, 
uv wich Oberlin is the fountin hed. 
There's where the trubble is. Our Suth- 
ern brethren wuz reasonable. So long 
ez the dimocrisy controld things, and 
they got all they wanted, they wuz peece- 
able. Oberlin ariz — the dimocrisy wuz 
beet down, and they riz up agin it." 

Jest eggsactly 80-six yeres ago, akord- 
in to Jayneses almanac, a work wich I 
perooz annually with grate delite, the 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 2u 

Amerykin Eagle (whose portrate any 
wun who possessis a 5 cent peece kin be- 
hold), wuz born, the Goddis uv Liberty 
bein its muther, the Spirit uv Freedom 
its sire, Tomas Gefferson actin ez physi- 
cian on the occasion. The proud bird 
grovvd as tho it slept on guano — its left 
wing dipt into the Pasific, its rite into 
the Atlantic, its beek thretened Kanady, 
while his niagestic tale cast a shadder 
ore the Gulf. Sich wuz the Eagle up to 
March, '61. "Wat is his condishin now ? 
His hed hangs, his tale droops, tber's no 
strength in his talons. Wat's the trub- 
ble ? Oberlin. He hed bin fed on nigger 
fer yeres, and hed thrived on the diet. 
Oberlin got the keepin uv him — she with- 
holds his nateral food — andonless Ober- 
lin is whaled this fall, down goes the 
Eagle. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 



24s THE NASBY PAPERS. 



IV. 

SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT 
BE DRAFTED. 

August 6, 1862. 

I SEE in the papers last nite, that the 
Government hez institooted a draft, and 
that in a few weeks, sum hundred uv 
thousands uv peeseable citizens will be 
dragged to the tented feeld. I know not 
wat uthers may do, but ez fer me, I can't 
go. Upon a rigid eggsaminashen uv my 
fizzlekle man, I find it wood be wus ncr 
madnis fer me 2 undertake a campane, 
to-wit : 

1. I'm bald-headid, and hev bin obliged 
to ware a wig these 22 yeres. 

2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair 
still hangs around my venerable temples. 

3. I hev a chronic katarr. 



1 HE NASBT PAPEES. 25 

4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to 
draft, the use uv wun eye entirely, and 
hev cronic inflainmashen in the other. 

5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit 
aint eggsactly rite, and I hev hed bron- 
keetis 31 yeres last Joon. At present I 
hev a koff, the paroxisms uv which is 
friteful 2 behold. 

6. I'm holler-chestid, am short-wind- 
ed, affd hev alluz hed panes in my back 
and side. 

7. I am afflicted with kronic diarrear 
and kostivniss. The money I hev paid 
fer Jayneses karminnytiv balsam and 
pills wood astonish almost ennybody. 

8. I am rupcherd in 9 places, and am 
entirely enveloped with trusses. 

9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white 
swellin on wun leg and a fever sore on 
the uther — also wun leg is shorter than 
tother, though I handle it so expert that 
noboddy never noticed it. 

10. I hev korns and buuyons on both 
feet, wich wood prevent me from marchin. 

I don't suppose that my political 
opinions, which are ferninst the prosse- 
kooshn uv this unconstooshnel war, wood 



26 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

bev any wate with a draftin orfiser, but 
the above reesons why I cant go, will, I 
maik no doubt, be suffishent. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 27 



IN CANADA. 

Brest, Kanada West, 

August 20, 1862 

After more advenchers than wood fill 
a book, I am here in Kanada, safe under 
the protectin tail uv the British Lion, 
where no draftin orfiser kin molest nor 
make me afraid. Halleloogy ! 

I never shood hev taken this step, or 
rather, the succeshun uv steps that brot 
me here, hed a good, sound, constooshnel 
docter bin appinted Medical Eggsami- 
ner, fer I hev twict ez menny diseases ez 
wood hev eggsemptid me, but I wuz 
afeerd the Eggsaminer wcodent see em, 
ez he aiut much uv a physician anyhow, 
besides, he votes the Union tickit, and 
hez, uv coarse, prejudisis. The Commis- 
sioner is a goory ALlislmist, and besides 



28 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

I owe him a store bill wich hez stood 
8 years. I protest agin all sick appint- 
nients. 

1 left in company with 5 other invalids, 
wun nite a little after the " witchen hour 
uv 12 M.," ez Shakspeer hez it, and any 
wun beholdin our faces wood hev bin 
satisfide that sum " church -yard yawn- 
ed" jest previously. We travel d all nite, 
"sustained and soothed by an unfaltrin 
trust" in a bottle which I, with my usual 
4site, took along, with 2 and 1 third 
yards uv bolony sassige, which I alluz 
use ez a thirst -provoker. We met no 
interrupshen till we got within 5 miles 
uv Toledo (which we did by 5 P.M., uv 
the next day, wich permit me to remark, 
was good travelin fer sich debillytatid 
cusses), when we wuz stopt by a pickit 
gard uv the " Anti-draftin Invalid 
League," who remarkt, " Who goze 
there P" " A invalid," sez I. " A Peece 
invalid," sez he. " Ther aint no other 
kind," sez I ; whereupon sez he, " yooi* 
a man uv sence," a fact uv wich I hed bin 
long aware. I presentid my liqwid con- 
ciliator, when he informed me that Toledo 
wuz closely watcht, that escape by 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 29 

steemer was impossible, and that a small 
bote was our only chance. He took us 
to the lake shore, furnisht us a bote, and 
jest as the golden sun wuz a sinkin be- 
hind the golden horizon I bid my nativ 
land adoo. 

I need not dwell upon the perils uv 
that terrible passage. Suffice it 2 say 
that, fer invalids, we rowed well, and 
finally landed at the little village uv 
Brest, wher we now air. 

200 Peece men are here, and I must 
acknowledge that we are not treeted with 
that distinguished consideration usually 
accordid political eggsiles. Fer instance 
at the tavern where I board, the parler 
is partikelerly plesent, and I wuz a settin 
into it. In trips a girl, purty enuff fer 
a man whose taste was not vishiatid 2 
eat. " Shel I shet down this window, 
sir ?" sez she. " Why shet it down, jentle 
maid ?" retorts I, lookin sweet onto her. 
"Because," replide she, "I thot, per- 
haps, the draft was too much fer ye." 
A few slavish Kanajens who set there, 
laft. The landlord required a month's 
pay in advance, and a further deposit uv 
25 cents per eggsile, as sekcority fer the 



30 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

pewter spoons, wich we hev at table. 
To cap the climacks, last night a big 
nigger was put into eech of our rooms, 
and we were forced to sleep with em, or 
okkepy the floor, which I did. The cns- 
sid nigger laft all nite, in a manner 
trooly aggravatin to hear. 

PeTROLEUjI Y. Nasby. 

P. S. — Tell my wife to send sich mo- 
ney as she earns to me, as livin is high, 
and ther aint no tick. The township can 
support her and the children. 



THE NASLY PAPERS. 



VI 
IS FINALLY DRAFTED. 

Camp uv the 778th Ohio Kidnapt 
Melishy, Toledo. 

Oct the 17, 1862. 

I am here, clad in the garb uv slaivry ! 
Nasby, clothed in a bobtailed bloo coat, 
a woolin shirt and bloo pants, with a 
Oysteran muskit in his hands, a goin 
thro the exercise ! Good hevings ! wat 
a spectacle ! 

The draft was over, and I thot that 
wnnst more I'd visit my native land. 
Gaily I stept abord the bote that was to 
carry me from British shores — gaily I 
say, fer my money had given out 
some weeks afore, and I hed earned a 
precarious subsistence a sawin wood in 
pardnership with a disgustin mulatto, 
and I lookt forwerd with goyful antise- 



32 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

pashens to the time when I shood agen 
embrace Looizer Jane (the pardner of 
my buzzum), and keep my skin perpe- 
tooally full uv the elickser uv life, out uv 
herwashin money. Goyfully I sprang 
off the bote onto the wharf at Toledo, 
when a hevy hand was laid onto my shoul- 
der. Twas a soljer ! The follerin conver- 
sashen ensood ; 

" Wat wantestthow, my jentle friend ?" 

" I want yoo, my gay Kami j en." 

" On wat grounds ?" retordid I. 

" On the ground uv eloodin nv the 
draft," sez he. 

"Yoor mistaken," sez I, " I'm a ab- 
lishnist — a emissary. I hev bin a spred- 
in the bred uv life among the poor kulerd 
brethrin in Kanady, and am jest return- 
in to run thro another lot. Let me 
pass I entreat thee, nor stay me in my 
good work." (This wuz strategy.) 

" Not much," sez he. "I know better. 
Yoor a butternut." 

" How knovvst thou ?" sez I. 

" Yoor nose," sez he. " Thatbucheus 
beekun lite was never got oat uv spring 
water." 

" Yoor knowledge of men and things 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 33 

is too much fer me. I confess and sur- 
render at discreshun — do with me as 
thou wilt." 

And he did. I wuz led out to camp, 
and wuz allowed to volunteer to fite 
against my convikshens — against my 
brethren, who hev taken up arms in a 
rightous coz. So be it. Hentz-lth the 
naim uv Nasby will shine in the list uv 
matters. 

Amid the dark, deep gloom that envel- 
laps me, wun ray uv light strikes me. I 
hev seen the eleckshun returns, and 
when I seed em I yelled Hallelogy ! Me 
and another victim of Linkin's tyranny, 
who is a Dimekrat (he wuz a postmaster 
under Bookannon, and wen removed by 
Linkin dident give up the balance uv 
money he hed on hand, fearin twood bo 
used to subvert our free instooshns, hed 
a jubilee. We smuggled a bottle uv con- 
denst ekstasy, and celebratid muchly. 
"The North's redeem'd !" showtid I. 
" Let the Eagle screme !" yelled he. 
" The Quakers have votid !" showtid I. 
11 Ablishnism dead !" screemed he. " Di- 
mociisy's triumphed !" laft I, and so on, 
455 c 



34 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

until after midnite, when, completely 
eggsaustid, we sank into slumber, with a 
empty bottle atween us. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 

P.S. — Tell Looizer Jane that I may 
never see her again — that shood it be 
my fate 2 perish on the battle-feeld, amid 
the rore uv battle and the horrors uv 
missellaneous carnage, my last thot, ez 
life ebbs slowly away shel be uv her, and 
ask her ef she can't send me half or three- 
quarters uv the money she gitsfer washin, 
cz whisky costs fritefully here. 

P. Y. N. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 35 



VII. 

DESERTS— HIS EXPERIENCE IN 
CLOTHES. 

Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, 
November the 1, 1862. 

I hev deserted, and am now a soljer uv 
the Confederacy. Jest ez soon ez our 
regiment struck Suthrin sile, I made up 
my mind that my bondage wuz drawin 
to a close — that I wood seeze the fust op- 
pertoonity uv escapin to my nateral 
trends the soljers uv the sunny south. 
Nite before last I run the gard, wuz shot 
at twice (reseevin two buck-shot jest 
below the hind buttons uv my coat), but 
by eggstrordinary luck I escaped. Had 
infantry bin sent after me I shood hev 
bin taken, for I am not a fast runner, 
but the Commandent uv the Post wuz 



36 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

new at the biznis, and innosently sent 
cavalry. Between the hossis they rode, 
and the stoppin to pick up them ez 
coodent stick onto ther flyin steeds, I hed 
no difficulty in outrunnin em. 

At last I encounterd the pickits uv 
the Looisiana Pelicans, and givin myself 
up ez a deserter from the hordes uv the 
tyrant Linkin, wuz to wunst taken afore 
the Kernel. T must say in this con- 
neckshun that I wuz surprised at the 
style uv uniform worn by the Pelicans. 
It consists uv a hole in the seet uv the 
pants, with the tale uv the shirt a wavin 
gracefully therefrom. The follerin col- 
loquy ensood : 

" To what regiment did yoo belong?" 

" 776th Ohio." 

" Volunteer er draftid ?" 

" Draftid.'' 

"Tour name?" 

" Nasby, Petroleum V." 

I notist all this time the Kernel wuz 
eyein my clothes wistfully. I had jest 
drawd em and they wuz bran new. Sez 
the Kernel : 

" Mr. Nasby I reseeve yoo gladly ez a 
rccroot in the grand army uv Freedom. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 37 

Ezyoo divest yoorselfuv the clothes uv 
the tyrant, divest yerself uv watever 
lingrin afFecshuns you may hev fer the 
land uv yer nativity, and ez yoo array 
yerself in the garb uv a Suthrin soljer, 
try to fill yer sole with that Suthrin 
feelin that anymates us all. Jones," sed 
he, addressin his Orderly, " is Thompson 
dead yit ?" 

" Not quite," sez the Orderly. 

" Never mind," sez the Kernel, " he 
cant git well uv that fever; strip off his 
uniform and give it to Nasby, and berry 
him." 

I judgd from the style uv the uniforms 
I saw on the men around me, that I wood 
rather keep my own, but I sed nothin. 
When the Orderly returned with the 
decest Thompson's uniform, I groaned 
innardly. There wuz a pare uv pants 
with the seat entirely torn away, and 
wun leg gone below the knee, a shoe 
with the sole off, and the straw he had 
wrapped around the other foot, and a 
gray woolen shirt. Sez the Kernel : 

" Don't be afeerd uv me Nasby. Pat 
on yer uniform rite here." 



38 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

Reluctantly I pulled off ray new dub- 
ble-soled boots, and I wuz petrified to 
see the Kernel kick off the slippers he 
wore, and pull em on. I pulled off my 
pants — he put em on, and so on with 
every article uv dress I possest, even to 
my warm overkote and blankit. Sez the 
Kernel : 

"These articles, Nasby, belongs to the 
Guvment, to which I shel akount fer 
them. Report yoorself towunst to Capt. 
Smith." 

Ez I passed out, the Lootenant-Ker- 
nal, Majer and Ajitent pulled me to wun 
side, and askt me " ef I coodent git 
three more to desert." Wun glanse at 
their habillyments showd why they wuz 
so anxious fer deserters. 

I candidly confess that Linkin takes 
better care uv his soljers than Davis does. 
The clothin I hev described. Instid uv 
reglar rashens we are allowed to eat jest 
whatever we kin steal uv the planters, 
and ez mite be expectid we hev becum 
wonderfully expert at pervidin, but ez 
the Pelicans hev bin campt here three 
months, the livin is gittin thin. Yet a 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 39 

mnn kin endoor almost anything fer 
principle. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 



40 THE NASBT PAPERS. 



VIII. 

CAPTURES A TURKEY. 

Camp tjv the Looisiana Pelicans, 

Nov. the 15, 1862. 

Nasbt still lives, tho T must say its 
rayther tite nippin. The servis uv the 
Suthrin Confedriey wood be ez pleasant 
ez any military life cood be, were it not 
for three things to-wit : 

1. We hev notlim to eat. 

2. Cur clothes is designed more for 
ornament than use, consistin cheefly uv 
holes with rags around em — an appro- 
priate summer costoora, butraythcr airy 
for this season. 

3. Our pay is irregelar, and not jest 
ez good in quality ez cood be wished. 

Per instance. Our regiment hazzent 
reseevd a cent lor 8 months, and ther 



THE NASBY PAPEES. 41 

wnz mucli grumblin wicb cum to the. 
ears uv the Kernel. 

" The men murmur do they," sed he to 
his Ajitent. " Their complaints is just, 
and they shel be paid their just dooze. 
Is ther a printin offis in the town ?" 

" Ther is," retorts the Ajitent. 

" Go take possession uv it in the name 
uv the Confedrit States and seezewatever 
paper he may hev on hand. The faithful 
Pelicans must be paid." 

The next day every wun uv the men 
hed his haversack stufft with money, 
each wun takin ez much ez he judgd he 
cood use. It does very well except that 
it gives the grocery keepers much trou- 
ble, as they take it by weight — a $lbein 
wuth ez much ez a $20, ceptin that the 
$20 is a trifle the largest, and weighs 
more. 

A incident. I wuz out on pikkit dooty 
in the immejit visinnity uv a planter's 
barn, who hed bin suspectid uv Union- 
ism. I saw a turkey, capchered it, and 
indulged all the way into camp into the 
pleasant idee that, fer the first time in 
two months, I wood hev a stumic-dis- 



42 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

tendin dinner. Ez I entered camp I 
met the Kernel, who, ez his eagle eye 
caught the proud bird I held spoke, 
sayin : 

" Ha ! a turkey. Wher gottist thou 
him ?'* 

"Icapcherd him at Johnson's," re- 
plied I. 

" Fat and young," mused he, feelin uv 
him, and then lookin up thus he did say : 
" My venerable patriot" (he allooded to 
my gray hairs), " this bird belonged to a 
Union man, and all sich property taken 
by the army belongs, uv coarse, 2 the 
Goverment. Too will 4th with take it 
to my quarters.'' 

Not hevin eaten anything fer 18 hours, 
I determined to make wun effort for my 
turky. Sez I, " Admittin the bird be- 
longs to the Goverment," sez I, " I may 
retane him, I suppose, by payin his 
valyoo," and I tendered him a handful 
uv the money we hedreseevd that mornin. 

" Not so fast, my aged hero," sed he, 
" the Guverment needs turkeys more 
than it does money. Money we kin 
make, but yoo must be aware, that with- 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 43 

out a material alterashen in our ana- 
tomikle structure the uiakin uv a turkey 
by us is a impossibility. Leave the pro- 
perty at my quarters." # # # 

That nite I passed the Kernel's quar- 
ters. There wuz a sound uv revelry 
within, and the odor uv a Thanksgivin 
dinner assaild my nostrils. The next 
mornin I saw the Kernel's dorg a chawin 
the bones uv that Goverment turkey. 
Petroleum Y. Nasby. 



44 THE NASBY PAPEES. 



IX. 

IMPROVES HIS FORTUNES BY 
MARRIAGE. 

Camp tjv the Looisiana Pelicans, 

November the 11, 1862. 

I am here and mizrable ! 

I am not less than 213 per cent, more 
mizrable nor I used to be ! 

I consoomd 2 hours uv the Suthrin 
Confedracy's time, and a 12 foot board, 
assertainin the eggsact increese uv 
misery wich I am engoyin. With the 
above result. 

Wen I wuz draftid I wuz not particu- 
larly dissatisfied. My posishen wuz bc- 
comin precarious. Looizer Jane (the 
wife uv my buzm) had cut off my sup- 
plies, and wuz a wastin the money she 
resccvd for wash in, on bread and clothes 



THE NASBY PAPEKS. 45 

fer the cbildern, and misunderstandins 
and coolnisses ensood. I whaled her in 
the afternoon when she wuz tired, and 
she whaled me in the mornin, when she 
wuz fresh. Had I expendid the energy 
and strength consoomd inwhalin Looizer 
Jane in choppin cord-wood, ] mite hev 
ownd a farm. I then tried the credit 
system, but the unamity with wich the 
bar-keepers all remarkt that " that thing 
wuz played out," wuz trooly surprisin to 
the undersined. 

Knowin that I cood at eny time desert 
to my Suthren frends, I felt satisfied at 
bein draftid. Sence my enrollment in 
the ranks uv the Pelicans, the romance 
uv the thing hez departid. Nothin 2 eat, 
nothin to wear, no money, and hard work. 
This is our fix. The plump, rosy Nasby 
is no more — anserin 2 his name is a lean 
indiviggooal, upon whose nose a bullet 
cood be split. 

I determined to better myself by mar- 
riage. The idee wuz sejestid by our 
second corpral, who interdoost me 2 a 
wilder lady who lived jest out uv town — 



46 TIIE NASBY PAPERS. 

the owner uv 2 thousand akers. The 
akers inspired me, and I prest my soot 
with vigger and arder. In a week the 
thing wuz dun. I caught the regimental 
chaplin sober enuff wun nite, and we wuz 
married. 

Fer a day I wuz a happy man. I con- 
templatidMY plantashen and wept teers 
uv goy. Suddenly my happinis bustid. 
The Sargent informed me that my wife — 
the future sharer uv my goys and sorrers 
— wuz a octoroon, one 8th nigger ! — 
that she wuz a slave left in charge by 
her mistress, and that the corpral did it 
jest fer a goak ! A purty goak to play 
upon a Dimckrat ! Nasby marryin a 
Nigger ! 

My views hev changed on the slavery 
question. Amalgamashen is the cuss uv 
slavery. The blacks hev bleached and 
bleached, until it is almost impossible to 
distinguish the slave from his owner. 
Wen the mix becomes wuss, wat then ? 
Wen the slave is ez white ez his master, 
wat are yoo goin to do ? Slavery, like 
a man with a tape- worm, hez within itself 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 47 

the elements necessary to its destruction. 
Amalgamashen is the tape- worm uv 
slavery. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 



48 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN 
SOLDIER. 

Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, 

December the 11, 1862. 

I hed a conversashen tother day with a 
fellow-defender uv the rites uv the South, 
wich rather startled me. I wuz aholding 
4th with my yoosual ability on the bles- 
sidnis uv slavery, and wuz, of coarse, 
quotin Levy from skripter to defend my 
position. A member uv our company 
interrupted me by remarkin thatNacher 
lied spiled a great rascal in me, by not 
contribbitin a suffishent amount uv 
brains, lie continued his remarks : 

" Nasby," sez lie, " I know slavry is a 
enss — a onmittygatid cuss. I lied IS 
liiggera and they kept me as poor as a 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 49 

skiin milk cheese. The hogs eat the 
corn, the niggers eat the hogs, and I 
lived on what they left. To defend my 
property in these niggers we seceshed 
and startid a new Guvment. The new 
Guvment took the corn, the hogs, the 
niggers, and finally took me. My oldest 
dawter run off with wun defender uv the 
flag, my wife with another, and my 
youngest children is livin with sum 
niggers 2 old for the Guvment to take. 
I've had my share uv rites, I hev. Ef 
there's any more comin to me, give em 
to some poor person as needs em. I'm 
jest more 'n rollin in a perfooshn uv 
that kind uv wealth." 

" But," sez I— 

" Ther aint no huts," sez he. " Yoo 
're a Northern man, and don't hev nig- 
gers. Don't defend nigger. Ef I hev 
the itch I may sware that itch is a good 
thing, but wat sence is ther in yoor 
swarin it onasked and fer nothin. Sech 
stratejy borders closely on lunacy. Let 
us squeeze our own biles — don't yoo do 
it gratooitous. Appolygize fer yer ow:i 
sins — don't shoulder ourn. I may be 
4G5 d 



50 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

mean for my own profit, but to act dirty 
fer another man's use, and hev him kick 
ye fer doin it, is a lick ahead uv my corn- 
prehenshun. Durn all sech men." 

And he stawkt indignently away. 

I hev reseevd more letters from frends 
in my wunst happy but now distractid 
borne than I kin anser separately. I 
shel do it all to-wunst, thus : 

John M. — Shoemakin would be a 
splendid biznis here, only ther aint no 
leather. Practice haff-solin with straw 
before you start. 

W. G. — The pay uv a member uv the 
Mississippi Legislater is $6 per diem, 
evry day, paid in Confedrit 30 per cent, 
bonds, redeemable at the pleasure uv 
the Guvment any time within two cen- 
turies. Come along. Almost anybody 
kin git ofns in this state. 

P. N. — Ther is a good openin fer a 
Watchmaker here. I am the only me- 
chanic in this section uv Mississipy. I 
fixt the kernals watch yisterday — forged 
a mane-spring out uv a baynet, and fer 
a chnne used a fiddle-string. It don't 
jjst keep time, but cz it ticks it ansers 



THE NASBY TAPERS. 51 

to bet on poker. Fetch sum lard ile — 
tar won't work on watches even in this 
warm climate. 

Amos. — The success uv our Guvment 
is shoor. Finances hez trubbled us, but 
our Sekretary uv the Treasury hez 
bought 2 fast printin presses, and a lot 
up a paper on tick, and we now git all 
we want. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 



52 THE NAS13Y PAPERS. 



XI. 

AT HOME. 

TTingret's Corners, 
Feb. 27, '62, 

A man who duz things frimi prinsipple 
kin stand a good deal. I kin. Sustain- 
ed and sootlied by an unfaltrin trust in 
the rychusnis uv the Suthrin coz, I stuck 
to my beluvd rejyinent, the Loozeaner 
Pelikins, with a tenassity wich I did not 
dreme I possest. But ther is a pint be- 
yond wich human nacher can not go. I 
endoored hunger and cold — I saw the 
rags drop off my muskeler limbs wun by 
wun — I murmered not. But, wen the 
pantaloons wnz awl gone — wen my cos- 
toom was a blanket and wun shoe — I 
applide fer ncAv pants, and the Quarter- 
master onfeelingly remarkt that my 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 53 

dress wuz all rite ; that hereafter my 
costoc-Hi wuz to be adoptid ez the uni- 
form uv the rejyment — I felt that deser- 
shun wuz no longer a crime, and I de- 
serted. It is entirely onnessary to re- 
kount awl I endoored in inakin my 
eskaip. Suffice is to say that at Colum- 
bus I stript the klose off uv an innebrya- 
tid solger, and maid my way to Amanda 
township. My old Dernokratic Mends 
did not kno me, and ez I expected to 
bony money uv them I deemed it best 
not to make myself knone. 

They were suspishus uv my bloo kote, 
at fust, until wun uv them remarkt how 
I likd the serviss? 

To wich I anserd, " Dam the serviss !" 

" Don't admire fitin fer the nigger, 
eh?" 

" Not any," sez I. 

" Why not desert ?" sez he. 

" I hev deserted," sez I. 

In a instant the aspeck uv things wuz 
changd. A jug wuz prodoost, and they 
awl shook hands. "Wun, more richer nor 
the rest, handed me a treasury note uv 
$10, sayin, " You may need it." 



54 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

I replide that, as a general thing I 
wood hev nothin to do with any paper 
that bore the babboon likeness uv the 
usurper and tyrent Linkin, but under 
the sirkuinstances I wood endoor it until 
I cood get it changd into Injeany niunny. 
They took up a kollekshun to-wunst, fer 
my benefit, which amounted to $43. 

Jest at this pint wun uv em asked me 
to what rejyment I belonged. 

I replide the Loozeaner Pelikins. 

" Loozeaner !" sed another, " why 
that's a Confedracy rejyment aintit?" 

" To be sure," sez I. 

" And air yoo a deserter frum a Suth- 
rin rejyment ?" sez the benevelent old 
butternut who hed invested $10 in the 
deserter biznis. 

" Sartin, 1 ' sez I. 

Scezin me by the throte, he ejackelated, 
" Give me my money you swindler !" 
And with a unanimity trooly surprisin 
they awl yelled, " Give me my money 
you swindler — you got it under false 
pretences." 

Hevin the munny safe in my pokkit, 
I took these compliments with ekanimity, 



THE NASBY PAPERS. Go 

sidlin out and gettin away ez soon ez 
possible. 

I am disappointed in Amandy. Frum 
wat I had heard I hed supposed they 
were kind to deserters. I found that it 
makes much diffrense wich side you de- 
sert from. 

Petroleum Y. Nasey. 



56 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XII. 

ASSISTS DRAFT REGISTERS, 

In the Hats.ds uv Linkin Hirlliks, 

Hoskinvill, March 26, '63. 

I AM in durance vile. Wirast more the 
tree uv liberty is uprooted in my per- 
son — wunst more hev the unrightous 
tools uv the monster Linkin seized my 
venerable form and incarcerated it in a 
basteel. So menny times hev I bin im- 
prisoned fer opinion's sake that eflkin 
get a pardner with capital, I shel go into 
the marterin biznis. But 2 my narra- 
shen. When the news reechd me uv the 
bold stand made by the heroes uv Hos- 
kinvill, in opposition to the draft, I de- 
termined to throw myself " in2 the dead- 
ly and imminent breech," cz W. Shake- 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 57 

spcer hez it. I made my way to Hoskin- 
ville, "wuz resetved with the wildest 
entlioosiasm by the patriots ther assem- 
bled, and wuz to- wun st placed in com- 
mand uvthe forces. It wuz a proud day 
fer Nasby ! Before me stood, leaned and 
laid (akordin ez they hed emptied their 
canteens, which wuz all filled with new 
fitin whisky), two hundred uv the brave 
sons of Hoskinvill, from the rich, hory- 
headed farmer (uv whom I promptly 
borrerd SO odd dollars), to the gay and 
sportive yooth uv 16, all consoomd with 
onquencaable arder. I drilled sech uv 
them as were suffishently sober to keep 
their feet, nigh onto two days, amoozin 
ourselves into the intervals with passin 
resolooshens denouncin Linkin, and 
pled- in ourselves to resist even un2 
death. 

At last our scouts brot us intelligence 
that two companies uv bloocoated hire- 
lins wuz within 9 miles uv u^, approachin 
at the rate uv one and a half miles per 
hour. " Ha !" shout id I, " the foe ! they 
comest ! Now men uv Hoskinvill and 
visiunity, show yourselves men !" Ac- 
cordinly another meetin was immejitly 



58 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

organizd, Chairman and Sekretary ap- 
pointid, and a resolution passed, pledgin 
the nieetin to resist even un2 death, the 
proseedins to be published in all the 
Dimekratic papers. We adjourned, and 
I wuz about drawin on em up in line uv 
battle, and wuz instructin uv em to hold 
the muzzle uv the gun from instid uv 
toward theirselves, when they fired, and 
wuz explainin to others the necessity uv 
puttinthe powder down the barrel before 
the ball, and makin sech other arrange- 
ments ez a wise and prudent commander 
determined to conker or die, would, when 
suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates : 

"Gineral!" 

Drawing myself up to my full Intel 
angered "Wat!" 

" Gineral," sez one uv the oldest, " we 
are not advantajesly postid. Wood it 
not be better on the hill," sed he, pintin 
to a very high hill jest cast of the town. 
1 perseevedata glance the strategik im- 
portance uv the position, as the enemy 
was approachin from the west, and I or- 
dered the men to deploy by squadrons 
in open right file platoons, and okepy the 
summit. Never wuz a order obeyed with 



TUE NASBY PAPERS. 59 

greater alacrity. I Lev a reputashen 
fer speed — I kin rival the courser and 
outstrip the jentle gazelle, but they shot 
past me like a arrow. Their enthoosi- 
asm carried em to the top uv the hill, 
and how much further I hev no menes 
uvknowin, ez when I reached the top uv 
the hill not wun uv the resisters wuz in 
site. 

I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I 
protested that I wuz a Methodist preach- 
er sellin fruit trees — my nose wich 
blossoms ez the lobster and a copy uv 
the Noo York Day Book I hed in my 
pocket wuz against me, and I wuz to- 
wunst confined. Myfeelinsis hurt. 
Petroleum Y. Nasby. 



60 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XIII. 

STRATEGIES. 

Wingeet's Corners, 

May 15, '63 

Dimocrist liezn't ez many hobbies now 
ez it used to Lev, and it is somewhat 
difficult to keep the people strung up the 
proper pitch. Nigger is all the capital 
we hev left, and its rayther tough work 
to keep the old machine runnin. In Uni- 
on and Orange their blood dident bile 
when 1 told em that 40,000 niggers wuz 
on their way to that section — nary bile. 
So I hed recourse to strategy. Last Fri- 
day nite I prokoored some lamp-black 
and lard-ile, and applyiu it to my classic 
countenance, and my labur-staned hands, 
transformed myself into a villainous 
contraband. Then I proccedid after 
night to the south end uv the township, 
and at day-light com inenst goin north. 



TIIS NASBY PAPERS. Gl 

The skeem workt beautiful. At every 
house the follerin conversashen would 
eusoo: — 

" Hello, Cuff, wher yoo from ?" 

" Tennisee, massa." 

" Wher you goiu ?" 

" I'se gwine to stop sum'ers 'obut 
keah." 

" Who sent you North ?" 

" Kurnel Nibliu, and de ablishners ob 
de 21st." 

" Dam Niblin and yoo too. Git !" 

Wich I alluz did. Then goin back I'd 
take another road, stealin sich trifles ez 
shirts and stockins, and usin sich other 
means uv arousin our people 2 a realizin 
sense uv the cuss uv a floatin nigger 
populashen, ez sejestid themselves to my 
uiind. It became a serious thing though, 
fer on the fourth day so many hed seen 
me, that they reely sposd the nigger in- 
vashen had commenst and they hunted 
me. I run a mile, and findin they were 
gainin on me, darted into the woods, 
washed, and come out ez the original 
Nasby. 

Lord! what an enthoosiastic meetin 
we had that night. Their faith in the 



62 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

nigger invasion lied bin shaky, but it 
was now firm. They had seen em. Wun 
had seen 3S that day, uv wich number 
he wuz proud to say he had killed 5. 1 
larfed innardly, but held my peece. De- 
sepshen is justifiable now and then. I 
kin do it. I only borrered $4 in Union. 
Petroleum V. Nasby. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 63 



XIY. 
ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS. 

At a meetin uv the manejers uv the 
ginoowine Dimocrasy, consistin uv the 
immortle J. N. Free, the illustrious Yan- 
daldigum, and myself, it was resolved to 
ishoo a address to the soljer uv the Cum- 
berland. Yanclaldigum hevin failed in 
the habus corpus biznis, is employin his 
spare time inamusinof hisselfin Fort 
Warm, wicli is near Boston, while J. N. 
is viggerusly marterin uv hisself fer the 
saik uv trooth, wich is ideotik. The 
dooty there4 devolves upon me. 

Soljers of the Cumberland : Ez indivi- 
dooels hevin votes, I esteem you — ez in- 
vaders uv Dimokratic States, ez men en- 
gaged in the slawtrin Dimocrats by the 
1000, ez bloo koted tools uv. a abolishn 
despotism, I can not smile on you ap- 
provinly. 

Sum uv you wuz Dimokrats, who, 



64 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

without contemplatin the konsekences 
to the party, volunteerd. Faytle error ! 
— incomprehensible stoopidity ! And I 
regret 2 lern that, notwithstandin we 
hev told you over and over that it is a 
Abolishn war, you laff at our solium 
warning, and nienny uv you hev tumd 
Abolishnists yureselves. 

We warned uv the evils that wood 
naterally foller Abolishn victoris. To 
show you that we proffeside correctly I 
call yure attenshun to the follerin strict- 
ly Dimokratic fact: 

Since the commensement uv the war 
the addishn uv niggers to northern Ohio 
hez bin ez folloze : 

Hankok 2S,0G0 

Wood (in cuiisekens uv bein 
in gim Ashly's deestrik) . . . 84,000 

Lorane (wich is near Oberlin) 103,000 

[All uv wich is studyin fer the minis- 
try, drawin cavelry cap tin's pay and 
rash ens, till they gradooS, incloodin 2 
white servants, each.] 

Sineky 03,0<)0 

And so on ad infinytum. These nig- 
gera are workin in sitooashens yoO wunst 
okepied. The taler shops, blak smith 



THE NASBY PAPEES. 65 

shops, shoe shops, and stores is all filld 
with these noosencis fresh from Suthrin 
plantashens. So yoo see that while they 
hev seezed upon yure labor, you air taxt 
by a nigger-luvin Government to support 
them in idlenis. But there is moar fax : 
Number uv soljers wives who 
died uv starvashen in Han- 

kok county, last week, 1,253 

Besides 1 small wooman they did not 
count. And all this time (my blud biles 
when I think uv it), the entire nigger 
popelashen is bein fed on briled sirline 
stake stufft with oysters. 238 white men 
hev man-id black fern ails, within 2 weeks, 
also 803 white wimmin to black men, all 
in the corporashen uv Wingert's Corner, 
the Guverment payin license, preecher's 
fee, and the bridle outfit, incloodin 
furnytoor to start 'em howskeepin. 

It is useless to multiply instancis. 
Tou are eckspoosin yure lives and helth, 
just 2 set free a army uv shiftlis niggers, 
who wont work, and who by takin yoor 
plasis on the farms and in the workshops, 
will prevent yoo from ernin a onist livin 
wen you git back. 

Soljers, remember these things wen yoo 
4G5 e 



06 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

vote tins fall. Under Dimokratic rule, 
wen the Sowth roold us percisely as they 
wantid, 2 awl wuz peese. We kin hev it 
agin on the saiin terms, with perhaps the 
payin uv the expensis they have incurred 
in manetanin uv their rites, payin pen- 
phuns 2 the widders uvthem yu hevwik- 
kidly slane, et settery. 

Soljers ! you kin emansipate yure- 
selves. Shoot yer offisers, throw down 
yure arms, and cum hoam. The old 
party is in danger, and without you it'll 
go to rooin a canterin. Shel any feelin 
uv pride in yure country deter you frum 
comin wen yure party is in peril ? I can 
not beleeve it. 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 

Fer hisself and collegues — 1 uv hoom 
is in a abolishn basteel, a studyin " Pul- 
pit Polly tiks," and the uther a going 
round missellaneusly a marterin uv his- 
self. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 67 



XV. 

ORGANIZES A DEMOCRATIC 

CHURCH. 

Wingeet's Coenees, 

Joon 6, 18G2. 

Nitthin liez dun so much agin the 
Dimocrisy ez churches, skool-houses, 
Sundy-skools, preachers and sich. Here, 
our people hev awoken to the dangerous 
tendencies uv sich instoofhns, and hev set 
about viggerously to suppress 'em. Ez 
this work is what my hart dclites in, I 
organized the pious portion uv the Dimo- 
crisy, that we mite do our work well and 
thorough. When my jigantic intellek 
hez a chance, the work is shoor to be 
well done, and I hev the satisfaction uv 
announsin the complete destruction uv 
two churches, the drivin off 5 preachers, 
and the frightnin uv many wimin. 
But my mission is not alone to tear 



68 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

down — I bild up. The ijee segestid itself 
to my fertile mind that a strikly Dime- 
kratic Church and Sundy Skool wood 
not only help the cause, but afford me an 
easy livin. It wuz dun, and 1 am reglar- 
ly installed ez the paster uv the first 
Dimekratic Church uv Ohio. 

The follerin is the order uv exercises : 

1. People assemble at the second 
tootin uv the horn. 

2. Readin uv one uv the follerin pas- 
sages uv Skripter : — 9th chapter uv Jen- 
ny sis, wich relates thecussin uv Canaan, 
provinthatniggers is Skriptoorally slaves, 
and the chapters about Hayger and 
Onesimus, wich proves the Fugitive 
Slave Law to be skriptooral. (The rest 
uv the Bible we consider figgerative. and 
pay no attenshun to, watever.) 

3. Singin — " O we'll hang Abe Linkin 
on a sour apple-tree," or some other im- 
provin ode, hevina good moral. 

4. Readin extrax from the Noo York 
Argus. 

5. Singin — " O John Brown's body 
hangs a danglin in the air." 

6. Reading from the Day Book. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 69 

7. Lecture on whatever phase uv the 
nigger question may seem approprit. 

We hev also organised a Sundy Skool 
on a pure basis. I spent much time in 
getting up a katechizm, uv wich the fol- 
lerin is a sample : 

Q. Wat is the cheef end uv man ? 

A. To whale niggers and vote the 
Dimekratic tikkit for ever. 

Q. Wat do the Skripters teach ? 

A. That a angel sent Hayger back to 
her mistress, that Paul sent Onesimu3 
back, and " Servance obey your masters." 

Q. Who wuz Onesimus and Hayger ? 

A. Onesimus wuz a mulatter, and 
Hayger a octoroon. 

Q. Wat is sin ? 

A. Skratchin a ticket. 

Q. Who compose the Dimocratic 
trinity ? 

A. Yallandygum, Brite and Fernan- 
dywood. 

Q. Wat is the first duty uv man ? 

A. To beware uv Ablishin lies, to 
rally to the poles, to vote early, and to 
bring the agid, the infirm and the ide- 
otik. 



70 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

To stiinoolate the infant mind I hev 
institootid a system uv reward ez fol- 
lows : 

For committin 2 verses uv Yallandy- 
gum's address, 1 beer check, good at the 
Corners ; 5 verses, 2 checks ; 12 verses, 
4 checks ; and to the child hevin the 
most verses, a copper-mounted butter- 
nut pin. 

We had a festival yesterday. The 
tables wuz bounteously spred with bo- 
lony, liver-worst and crackers, wile a 
barl uv native whisky furnisht the 
nooids nessary. It wuz a tetchin site to 
see the mothers, with maternal solissi- 
tood, a mixin Nacher's Great Restorer 
with water and sorgum surup, to adapt 
it to the infantile stumick. Fer my 
part I alluz take mine strait. 

I bleeve good will be accomplisht. 
Last week in makin a pastoral visit jest 
about noon to the house uv wun uv my 
flock who hez fine poultry, I wuz amoos- 
ed at hearin a meer infant only three 
years uv old, swinging his little hat, and 
cry, " Hooraw fer Jeff. Davis." It wuz 
tetchin. Pattin the little patriot on the 



THE NASBY PAPEES. 71 

head, I instantly borrowed five cents uv 
his father to present to him. 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 



72 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XYI. 

GOES ON WITH HIS CHURCH. 

Church tjv St. Valandygtjm. 

June 10, '62. 

We Led a blessid and improvin time 
yisterday. My little flock staggered in 
at the usual hour in the mornin, every 
man in a heavenly frame of mind, hevin 
bin ingaged all nite in a work uv mercy, 
to-wit : 2 mobbin uv 2 enrollin officers. 
One uv em resisted, and they smote him 
hip and thigh, even cz Boh ash smote 
Jaheel. 'Skriptooral, wich is nessary, 
bein in the ministry.) He wuz left for 
dead. 

We opened servis by singin a liym, 
wich I writ, commencin ee follows: 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 73 

" Shel Diggers black this land possess, 
And mix with us up here ? 
Oh no, my friends, we rayther guess, 
We'll never stand that 'ere." 

I then held forth from this text : — 
" Whar hev ye laid him ?" I statid that 
the person I referred to wuz the marterd 
Yallandygum, and I, in behalf uv a out- 
raged Dimocrisy, demanded uv the ty- 
rant Linkin, "Whar hev yoo laid him?" 
A unconverted individdooal sed, " He's 
laid him out !" wich remark cost him 
a broken head. I went on to show why 
our saint hed bin martered. It waz be- 
coz he wuz a Dimocrat — becoz he dared 
to exercise the rites garanteed to every 
American, exceptin Ablishnists and 
niggers, aboosin the Guverment. Fer 
this and nuthin else wuz he eggsiled. 
"My friends," sez I, drawin myself up to 
my full hite, and lookin as much like 
Fernandy Wood ez possible, " I am 
willin to be martered. I denounce this 
war as unholy, unconstooshnel, unright- 
eous, and uninittygated, It is nuthin 
less than a invashcn uv Dimocratik 
states, fer the sole purpus uv freein nig- 



74 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

gers. Linkin is a tyrant, Burnside a 
tool, order 38 a relik uv barbarism, and 
I will resist the enrollment, the con- 
skripshen, and the tax. Hooray for 
Jeff. Davis." 

Our class-meetin wuz more interestin 
than ever. One old, white headed bro- 
ther sed that at times his way wuz dark, 
and his pathway gloomy. Wnnst he 
wuz very near becomin a infiddle. He 
reely believed at one time that the nig- 
ger was human, and wunst he voted fer a 
Republican road Supervisor. But he 
hed repented, and was, he trusted, 
forgiven. His mind wuz now easy, and 
he should vote the whole Dimocratic 
tiekit. 

Two backsliders who scratched their 
tickits last fall confest their sin, public- 
ly. I exhorted em two hours, fined em 
a gallon uv whisky apeece, and took em 
into full communion. The whisky will 
be devotid to the missionary service, 
wich is me. 

This is a delitcful feeld of labor. At 
the Corners they give me sech flooids ez 
I need, at nil the doggeries but one, and 
at that one they trust me, wich amounts 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 75 

% 

to the same thing. I hev horrid uv my 
flock over 60 dollars already. It is a 
rich feeld, and wun wich will endoor 
much workin. My nose is deepnin in 
color every hour. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge, 



76 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

XYII. 

STARTS A PAPER. 

Church uv St. Vanlandigum, 

June 30, '63. 

I AM back in the midst uv my flock. I 
coodent be a marter. The Fedral orfisers 
dismist me with the insultin remark 
that I wuz 2 snial pertaters to notis. 
Hevin time on my hands, and feelin 
that I'm Kvin in vane onlcss I am doin 
suthin fer the grate coz, I hev determined 
to ishoo a paper, devoted to disseminatin 
my vews. I ishood my prospcctusses 
to-day, uv which the follerin is wun : 

TO THE PURE DIMOCRICY! 

PROSPECTUS UV THE "MARTER AND 
TIRENT REGISTER !" 

Orgust 1st, the undersined will ishoo 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 77 

the fust number uv a paper bearin the 
aboVe title, devoted to the interists uv 
the pure Dimocrisy. To inshoor the 
fatheful just sech a paper ez they need, 
the follerin able writers hev bin ingayjed, 
regardlis uv expence : — 

On arbitrary arrests — Petroleum V. 
Nsaby. 

On habis corpuss — P. Y. Nasby. 

On nigger — P. Volcano Nasby. 

On vilashens uv Constooshnal rites — 
Mr. Nasby. 

This brilyunt gallacksy uv intellect, 
under the edytorel controle uv Petroleum 
V. Nasby. 

The " Marter and Tirent Resister" will 
support Yalandigum, and while givin the 
Guverment a harty support in puttin 
down the rebellyun, will uv coarse op- 
pose — . 

Coercin the secedid staits ; 

Invadin the secedid staits ; 

Raisin armiz by volunteerin ; 

Raisin armiz by draft er conscripshen ; 

Raisin meensby tax er tariff; 

Arrestin uv men fer sympathisin with 
the Southern Dimocrisy ; 

Arrestin uv enybody fer enything; 



78 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

The usin uv niggers ez soljers; 

The usin uv white men ez soljers; 

Evrything the Administrashen hez 
dun, is doin, er may hereafter do. 

It will viggerously advokate — 

The Constitooshn ez it is ; 

Yallandigum's doin away uv the Con- 
stitooshn ; 

The Union ez it wuz; 

Yallandigum's plan fer dividin the 
Union in2 4> parts : 

The eleckshen uv Yallandigum; 

The eleckshen uv troo Dimekrats to 
good payin offises ; 

The enforsement uv the laws; 

The resisting uv conskripshen and en- 
rolein offisers; 

Morality and good order; 

Themobbinuv Methodis, Presbyterin, 
Luthrin, Brethrin, and uther hetrodox 
churchis. 

I appele confidently to the Dimocrisy 
fer support. The actooal, ginooine prin- 
siples uv Dimocrisy need a able defend- 
er, and I'm the indenticle individooal. 
Mi hole sole is in the coz, and I am pee- 
cooliarly fitted by cddicashen and taists 
fer the posishcn. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 70 

I blecve tlie speckelashen will pay 
hevy. My church welkomed me back 
with a corjality trooly affectin. They 
held a Festivle on my return, to which 
the Sundy skool skolars wuz present. I 
unbendid myself, and kist em onct 
apeece, takin a nip uv corn essense 
at ween times, wich wuz nessary. Mis- 
takin a mother fer her infant, the in- 
fooriated husband assaulted me. I wuz 
reskood afore much damij wuz dun. A 
speshl church meetin will be held too 
considder his case. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge . 



80 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XYI1I. 

PREACHES AND MAKES A 
SUDDEN SHIFT. 

Church uv St. Valandygum, 
July 7 th, '63. 

T preached last Sunday from the text, 
" Break every yoke and let the opprest 
go free." I went on to show that this 
text had no reference whatever to nig- 
gers. Niggers was ordained 2 be bond- 
men from the very day Noah took a 
overdose uv the Great Happyfier, and 
oust Canaan. But the text, like the 
Deklarashen uv Independense, and the 
ever blessid Constitooshn, wuz made 
solely fer white men. It hed undoubted 
reference to the payin uv debts. "Wat 
heavier yoke is ther than notes ? and 
who is more opprest than he who pays 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 81 

ten per cent. ? " Burn yer notes, an J 
let yer debtors go free," wood be a more 
correcter readin uv the passage. 

In our bizuis meetin in the afternoon, 
the question uv the draft wuz considered. 
It wuz plain that the enrolement cood 
not be prevented. The enrolein orfisers 
hed managed to do it, and it wuz a ser- 
tinty that every name atwixt 18 and 45 
wuz down. And we were all so satisfied 
that the draft cood be enforst, and there4 
it behooves us to make it ez light ez pos- 
sible, more espeshly, ez when wun uv us is 
draftid, he will hev 2 go, not hevin the 
nessary 300 dollars. It is here ez it is in 
all excloosively dimecratic communities, 
the grocery keepers absorb all the capi- 
tal. The follerin resolutions were past : 

Whereas, Our nachen is involved in 
a horrible, fratrisidle war, the same bein 
unholy and waged solely 2 free the nig- 
ger and enslaiv the white man, wich is 
therefore our duty to oppose the same, 
therefore be it 

Resolved, That we are in favor uv 
raisin our quota by volunteerin, and here- 
by urge the same. 

Resolved, That we consider the ern- 
465 f 



82 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

ployment uv niggers ez soljers ez not 
only justifiable, buthighly commendable. 

Resolved, That a committee be ap- 
pinted to sekoor the settlement uv 2 
hundred families uv niggers in this town- 
ship, excloosivly fervolunteerin purposes. 

The resolooshens wuz past, and the 
committees appointed. 

The very next day we heerd uv Yicks- 
burg and Gettysburg. I to-wunst blew 
the horn and got my flock together — told 
em the news, and offerd the following re- 
solooshens : 

Whereas, Our beloved country is in- 
volved in a bloody war aginst rebels and 
traitors — 

(A old man interrupted me sayin 
11 W-h-a-t ?" Payin no attenshen, I 
proceeded.) 

And in sich a crisis the dooty uv every 
troo citizen is to sustain the Guverment, 
therefore be it 

Resolvd, That theDimocrisy, are, ez 
they alluz hev bin, in faver uv a viggerus 
prossekooshen uv the war. 

Resolvd, That our confidence in the 
great Vallandygum is unabated, and 
blecvin him to be the only actooal war 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 83 

man in Ohio shel give him our harty 
support. 

Resolvd, That the reports uv troubles 
in Ohio and Ingeany is lies, got up to 
deseeve the people. 

The resolooshens wuz past, tho I had 

to tell em twice to vote for em. "We im- 

mejitly hunted up 2 enrollin orfisers who 

we tarred and feathered sum weeks ago, 

jest after Hooker wuz defeated by Lee, 

at Chanslerville, wen we spozd our 

Suthern brethrin wood triumph, and giv 

em a public dinner. Ef all the leaders 

of the Dimocrisy were ez sagashus ez me, 

the old party wood hev smooth sailin. 

Alas ! how few hev the gigantik intellek 

uv Nasby ! I hev written to my trends 

advisin em to shift ez soon ez possible. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby, 

Paster uv sed Church in charge. 



84 THE NASBY TAPERS. 



XIX. 

OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING. 

Church tjv St. Yanlandighjm, 

July 20. 

Yesterdy wuz set apart by my congre- 
gasben, ez a day uv fastin and humilia- 
slien fer our misforchnnes at Gettizberg, 
and the loss uv Port Hudsen and Vix- 
burg. I ishood the follerin direxshens 
fer the proper observance uv the fast, 
to-wit : 

1. Nip before breckfust not 2 eckseed 
two jills. 

2. Fer breckfust no animil food per- 
mitted, ceptin ham and eggs, beef, etc. 

3. Fer dinner, ditto, supper same ez on 
uther daze. 

4. Beer 2 be taken by the single glass, 
and pre tz el 2 be cten without salt on em. 

5. These rules to be void in the case 



THE NASBY PAPEIiS. 85 

uv peepil over 35 and invalids, who may 
liev tber sustainin flooids ez usual. 

I preecht fruna this text, " O mi sole 
why art thow cast down." I told em we 
wuz cast down becoz uv Meed's wbippin 
Lee, becoz uv Grant's takin Yixburg, and 
Banks' takin Port Hudson. That's 
what's the matter with us. That's what 
hez cast a shadder over owr countnansis, 
and changd the hew uv our nozis from 
the brilyunt crimsun to the gastly bloo ! 
The flattrin hopes uv a successful inva- 
shen uv the North is dasht — likewise the 
releef uv Yixburg, and now to fill our 
cup uv sorrer, Jon Mor gin's command is 
destroyd. But still my frends ther is a 
silver linin 2 evry clowd, wich is poetry. 
There is wun ray uv hope, amid all this 
gloom. I allood 2 the late constooshnal 
demonstrashens in Noo York. Ther wuz 
a victory. The draft books wuz destroy- 
ed and the draft wuz stopped. But ther 
wuz a bigger triumph than stoppin the 
draft. Niggers wuz killd— the prowd 
Anglo-saxn riz in his mite and stoned the 
niggers ! Halleloojy. At this pint sum 
uv the awjence becum sleepy, and to 
arowsc them I becum faseshus. Why, 



86 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

sez I, wuz the Dimocrisy who niauld the 
riggers in Noo York, a most ennerjetic 
and perseverin people ? Becoz, anserd I, 
they left no stone unturnd 2 effect their 
purpus. The ijee uv interdoosin con- 
undrums in2 the pullpit is orijenelwith 
me. I closed by exhortin uv em too 
stand firm. Ef we kin elect Yallandigum 
we may yet check the Fedral Guvment 
in its victorus carere. With Ohio all 
rite fer constooshnal rites, the game uv 
subjoogashen wood be playd out. Let 
us, sed I, never falter nor faint, but press 
onnard 2 the mark uv our hy callin. Ez 
the Isrelites threw down the walls uv 
Gerryko by blowing ram's horns, so kin 
we by blowin our horns throw down the 
walls uv this Abolishn Gerryko. Blow 
your horns, my breethrin, for whoso 
bloweth not his own horn the same shall 
not be blown, but whoso bloweth his own 
horn the same shall be blown with a 
muchness. 

We took a enumerashen uv owr church 
with a vew to the draft, with the follerin 
result : 

Hole number uv male members, 200 
Over 45, 50 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 87 

Under 18, 50 

Badly rupckerd, and uther- 

wise diseasd, , 92 

Gone to Canady 2 visit ther 

uncles, 8 

YVe air esy in our minds on this subjic. 
Petroleum Y. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



83 THE NASBY PAPEES. 



XX. 

VISITS YALLANDIGHAM. 

Chtjech uv St. Yalandygum, 

July 27, '63. 

I hev jest returned from a visit to our 
persekootid saint Yalandygum. The 
marter wuz holdin a resepshun at the 
Clifton House, wen I arrove. He caught 
site uv me ez soon ez I entered the room, 
and he rusht in2 my arms, and droopin 
his head on2 my heavin buzin, weept 
aloud : 

" Marterd saint !" scz I, with a voice 
tremulous with emoshen. 

" Sufferer fer truth !" sez he, and then 
this trooly grate man whispered, "Jest 
keep in thisposishna minnit — the artist 
uv the Noo York Illustratid Flapdoodle 
is makin a sketch uv us," wich we did, 
standin locked in2 each others arms, and 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 89 

weepin profoosely fer 15 minits. It wuz 
exhaustin and tiresum, but fer the cause 
I endoord it. The picter will appear in 
next week's Flapdoodle, headed " The 2 
grate minds uv the Age! Affectin 
meetin uv Yalandyguin and Nasby !" 
The matter akompnyin the picter will 
be written by Yalandygum and myself, 
he writin wat relates 2 hisself, and I wat 
relates 2 myself. "We kin do ourselves 
justis. .After the Eastern delegashen 
hed gone thro the serrymony of kissin his 
feet, wich cleaned em, he dismist em, and 
we wuz alone. 

"Nasby," sez the great C. L., " how is 
things in my nativ state ?" 
"Squally," sez I. 

" Wat wuz the pervalin sentiment uv 
the people as to ray eggsile P" 

11 They was extreemly glad uv it." 

" The akount uv my prostrashen — my 
untold suffrins, et settry, wich I hed 
publisht in the papers; did that not af- 
fect them ?" 

" Yes, they laft." 

"Did not the affectin akount uv the 
wife uv my btizm, and my cherub babes 



90 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

a jinin me here 2 share my lonely 
eggsile, move em ?" 

" Nary move." 

" Nasby, the peeple is stun. But I'll 
fetch em. Nil despritrando is my motto." 

After a few moments uv profound 
silence, heresoonid. " I must be Guvner, 
fer how else kin we prevent the subjuga- 
shen uv the Dimekraticstaits. Elect me 
and therd be no more trouble about drafts, 
onless we shool git involved in a war 
with the Unite 1 States. The Confedracy 
wood be recognised, Ohio wood go with 
the South, and slavery wood be inter- 
doost, and as we woodenthev eny further 
use for em, poor men woodent be allowed 
to vote, making me perpetooal Guvernor. 
Nasby, we must succeed." 

" Gertinly. Bat we're in a tite plais. 
Oor speekers is embarist. It takes a 
gigantik intellek to bring the pints 
2gether. A anicdote. A spritcly boy 
wunst put 200 eggs in a nest fer a hen to 
set on. Sez his maternal mother, ' My 
son why puttistthou so many eggs under 
the hen ? She canst not kiver em.' 
' Certinly she canst not, but thunder, I 
want to see her spread herself.' Jest so. 






THE NASBY PAPERS. 01 

Our speakers are in the same fix. The 
outside egg in the Diinekratik nest is 
opposition to the war. Tother side uv 
the nest, 200 eggs distant, is the support 
uv the war. To kiver em all requires 
great stretehin capasity." 

" Troo, 2 troo. But we must mix it 
and trust to luck. In loyal counties 
stuff em with dilooted patriotism — in 
our counties pure secesh. The people 
is jest ez gullible nowez ever they wuz." 

I left the patriot and sage much com- 
forted. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



92 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXI. 
CONFESSION OF FAITH. 
Church tjv St. Vanlandygum, 
OrgustSl, '63. 

We hed the glorusist kind uv a seesun 
yisterday. The winders wnz opend and 
a showr uv pure Dimecratic grace de- 
sended upon us and we wuz blest. 
Glory ! "We reseevd into our Zion 18 
young men who reseevd the faith by in- 
heritance, ther fathers hevin alluz voted 
the strait ticket. The follerin is the 
Confeshun uv Faith too wich they sub- 
scribed : — 

Question — Dostest thow bleeve that 
Canaan wuz doomd to bondig becoz uv 
Noer's gettin tite ; that Ilayger and 
Onczimus prove the skriptoorality of the 
fugytiv slaiv law ; that taken ez a hull 
they show that the ketchin uv niggers 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 93 

with dorgs is cominendible aud evange- 
likle? 

Dostest thow bleeve that the present 
war is unconstooshnel and unholy ; that 
it wuz brot on by the Abolishnists inter- 
ferin with slaivry ; that the bombard- 
ment uv Sumter wuz rite, tho hasty ? 

Dostest thow bleeve that Linkin is a 
tyrent and usurper; that he hed no rite 
too subjoogait the sowth ; that his callin 
out troops wuz unconstooshnel; and 
that everything hehez dun, since the 
war begun is likewise unconstooshnel ? 

Dostest thow bleeve that Yallandigum 
wuz sent in2 the world to save the 
Dimocratic party ; that in doin it he 
wuz arestid at Dayton, tride afore 
Ponteus Burnside, and sent sowth ; that 
after 3 months he riz agen in Canydy, 
whense he shel cum ez soon ez hese 
electid, and Pooh goes after him with 
300 thousan ? 

Dostest thow take the Crisis ? 

Dostest thow bleeve that the Sentrel 
committis is the sole dispenser uv opin- 
yun, and wilest thow alluz yawp wen 
they wink? 



94 THE NASBY PAFEES. 

Dostest tliow bleeve tliat skratchin a 
tikkit is the onpardonable sin ? 

Dostest tliow bleeve that this war 
wnz got up to free niggers, and that to- 
day Linkin hez 75,000 niggers in Ohio, 
a feedin on fride oysters and hot punch ? 

Dostest thow bleeve that Lee is the 
greatest gineral uv the age, and that all 
reports uv Fedral victries is lies ? 

Dostest thow bleeve Ben Butler's a 
beast, and Hamlin a mulatter ? 

"Wiltest thow pledge yurself 2 oncom- 
premisinly oppose yure sisters marry- 
ing niggers, no matter how much they 
want to P 

2 all uv these questuns the candi- 
dates anserd, " I dost." Bro. Tuttle ex- 
tendid the rite hand uv fellowship— 
Bro. Huff sold eech uv em a copy uv 
Vallandigum's Record, and after mak- 
ing a (xj to their names, wich I hed pre- 
vusely written in our church book tha 
wuz made members uv my flock. 

The coz is prosperin. We commense 
a series uv revival meetins next week, 
and hev made cxtensiv prepparashens 
therefor. 10 barls uv condenst Dimo- 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 95 

cvisy, 20 barls uv beer, and 300 yards uv 
bolony hez bin pervided. Ther will be 
a outporin. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 
Paster uv the sed Church, in charge. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXII. 

PREACHES— SUBJECT, "GIVEN." 
Church tjv St. Yanlandigum, 

September 21, 18G3. 

I peeeched yisterdy frum this text : 
" Yerely I say unto yoo, it is uioar bles- 
seder toe give that toe reseeve." — Joab 
17, 313 to 21, incloosiv. 

The inspird liter hed, no dout, the 
Dimccratic party in his mind's I, wen he 
rit them wurds of wisdom. Experence 
hez shode the trooth uv them sentens, 
and ef it hadent youd be bound to 
bleeve it, coz I, yoor paster, sez so, wich 
is Dimocrisy. To illustrait we shell 
inquire : 

1. Wat is givin? 

Givin is givin, wich is a suffishently 



THE NASBY PAPEES. 97 

cleer explanashen fer all practikle per- 
puses. 

2. Wen shood we giv ? 

This pint reqwires raoar eloocydashen. 
We must giv alluz, fer it is moar bles- 
sider toe give ner toe reseeve. The 
Dirnocrisy hez alluz bin scriptooal in 
this partikeler. Wen the Sowth wantid 
Misoory, we giv it. Wen she wantid a 
Fugytiv Slaiv Law, we giv it. Wen she 
wantid Texis, and Kansas, and Nebras- 
ky, we give it, halleloogy. Wen she 
wantid Bookannon, we giv it, and wen 
she demandid Duglisses hed, we giv it, 
fer it is moar blessider to give ner it is 
to reseeve. 

3. Why shood we giv ? 

Becoz it pays. So long ez the Dimo- 
crisy hed the power uv givin all wuz well. 
The Sowth hevin all it wanted wuz eon- 
tentid, and evrythin went on smooth and 
plesent like. Nacher intendid em to 
rool, and us uns to serve, and we wuz 
satisfide, and so wuz they. Such offisis 
ez wuz benethe em, they tost to us, and 
all wuz peese. It wuz normel. 

4. Wat hez bin the consekencis uv not 
givin ? 

465 G 



03 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

My frens, seest thou yon Post orifise? 
A abolishnist sets there. And woe is us 
the plasis we onct did fill all ore the 
land, we fill no moar. And wuz. Ther 
is war — the North hez rebeld aginst the 
Diinocrisy, and to-day, yoor sons is 
being dragged to the tentid feeld, to be 
offered np a sakrifis to the fell sperit uv 
" not givin." Oh, my frens, we stumbled 
ourselves. We faild to giv wunst, and 
that failyour wuz fatle. Wen we in our 
pride defidc the Sowth at Charleston, we 
sinned, and air now payin fer it. O lied 
we all yoonited in given, then — hed we 
follered presedent and got down into the 
dust, then all woold hev bin well. 

We dedooce from the forcgoin the 
follerin grate trooth, to-wit, viz : Suffrin 
allnz toilers sin. Nether duz the sinner 
git the price uv his sin. The demon uv 
Abolishnism, er Not Given, which is 
sinonymus, held afore the eyes uv Duglis 
the dazzlin prospeck uv Northrin votes. 
Butlo! wen Duglis hed took the fatel 
step, the votes wuz Linkin's, and the 
Post orfises wuz Linkin's, and the Diino- 
crisy supped on sorrer, and brekfasted 
on woe. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 99 

Thcr is, my brethren, a Levy cuss on 
Not givin. " Wo unto yoo fer a stif- 
necked and rebelyus people." Abiram 
31, 5, xlp. In the originel Rooshen it 
is " stif-backt" instid uv "stif-neckt," 
wich makes it inene Massychusetts. They 
wood never bend a inch, they hed no 
limbernis, and with hed up, instid uv 
down — with backs strate, instid uv curv'd, 
they insisted on bein men ez well ez 
Yirginny, thus forcin the Sowth to take 
up arms to bend em into ther nateral 
posishen. 

My frens, this war is a effort on the 
part uv the Sowth to put down the rebels 
aginst the grate prinsiple uv Given. 
That's all they want, and wen they git it 
they'll stop, I make no doubt. Then 
breethrin, let us pray fer their sukcess — 
let us imytait our marterd saint, Yan- 
landigum, who is a exel far away, and 2 
the xtent uv our ability ferther the grate 
coz. Let Noo Ingland be got under, 
Sumner, and Waid and Giddins, and 
Gim Ashly, and Oin Luvgoy, hung — the 
grate Davis President, with Fernando 
"Wood and Vandaldigum in his Cabynit, 
then will ther be for us peece, and har- 



100 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

raony, and good will, and post orfises. 
Let wat I Lev sed sink deep in2 yoor 
hearts, wen the contribooshen box cums 
around, remember that "it is moar 
blesseder 2 give than 2 reseeve." So mote 
it be. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 






THE NASBY PAPERS. 101 



XXIII. 

VISITS CAMP DENNISON TO ELEC- 
TIONEER FOR VALLANDIGHAM. 

Church tjv St. Yalandigum, 
October 1, 1863. 

Feelin it a sakred dooty I oad the coz 
uv Dimocrisy and fre speech (on awl 
subjeks not interferin with Dimocrisy 
ez it hez bin, ez it is, or ez it may be), I 
visyted Camp Dennyson, which is naimd 
after a Abbolishnist, to use my stentorin 
voyse fer Yanlandigum, among the pay- 
rold prizners. It wuz a bammy mornin 
in September, wen I arriv, and procoorin 
admishen, I set to work to onct. Noticin 
a cupple nv duzen uv a playin poker, 1 
cent anty, I j edged by a instink I hev 
that ther wuz a gud field fer sowin dimy- 
cratik seed. Advansin, I sed, "My 
friends !" " Wat," sel wun uv em, takin 



102 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

advantij uv the interrupslien to slip a 
ace er 2 up his koat sleeve. 

" My frends," sed I, " I cum 2 yoo es 
a possel uv peece, and I umble advokait 
uv Dimocrisy, and that persookootid 
angil, Yanlandigum, — 

"Five aces, Jimuel," sed the person 
who fust sed " Wat" to me, " I take the 
pile, coz yu no yu cant bete five aces," 
and sweepin the munny, he remarkt 2 
me, "now parson wat didyu say?" 

" I cum," sez I, " in behaff uv the out- 
raj id Vanlandigum, who is a exel far 
away." 

I found that the sileov Camp Denny- 
son wuz altogether 2 stouy to maik 
preeching for Yanlandigum and fre 
speche veryplesent, fer no sooner hed the 
wurds left my lips than a showr uv stuns 
assaled me, wun that felt cz tho it wayd 
a tun prostratid me. A seriz uv outra- 
jis wuz then perpetrated wich beggers 
deskripshun. I wuz peltid with offensiv 
eggs, and rotten cabbig, and decayd 
pertaters, in fact at wun time the air 
wuz so full uv eggs, that I might hev 
thot, hed I bin poetikle, that the blessid 
sun wuz a mammuth hen, badly diseazd, 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 103 

and a layin rotten eggs a milyun a miimit. 
Finelly, wun nv em sez, " Boys, we aint 
the prizners this feller's after. Johnson's 
Island's wher he want to go to find his 
frends." "Yes," sed another, "and to 
git thair yn go by water," whereupon 
three frends seezed me and draggd me 
thro a hoss troff 15 er a hunderd times. 
Then they pourd cole ile over me, and 
wnz a goin to set afire to dry me, ez they 
scd, but I,broak and fled, pursood by 
1000 uv these infooriatid demuns. I 
finelly eseapid by passin myself orf ez 
Horris Grecly, onto a party uv em who 
stopt me. 

I am at present confind to my bed, 

sustanin myself by takin dosis uv ter- 

backer joose from J. Davis' spittoon, di- 

looted with whisky. It inwiggoraits me. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 

Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



104j the nasby papers. 



XX1Y. 

IN THE " APOSSEL BIZNIS." 

May 6th, 1863. 

The sole uv Nasty's foot knoze no rest. 
Eternal viggilence is the prise uv lib- 
berty, and a old Dimecrat whohez never 
skratched a tikkit, and who never spiles 
his likker by dilooshn, kin work in these 
perilus times. I am engaged in organi- 
zin Sieties on the basis uv the Union ez 
it wuz, the Constitooshn ez it is, and the 
nigger wher he awt to be. This imploy- 
ment soots me — the apossel biznis I like. 
Brot into continooal contack with the 
best uv Dimecrats, I hev the run uv a 
thowsan jugs— pay regler and libral— 
fasilitiz fer borrerin unek ailed — I am 
kontent, I send a few extras frurn my 
jernal. 

Mundy,2d. — Kum intoWhartensberg 
afoot. Wuz resecved with entbooziasm, 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 105 

invited to drink 20 times in ez nienny 
minits, which invitashens I acceptid, 
solely fer the good uv the coz. Hevin 
cast-iron bowils I survived the trial. I 
found here a order called the " Limit," 
wich is a good thing. Hed a meetin, and 
added the oaths to resist drafts and shel- 
terin deserters, and after exhortin uv 
them to stand by Yalandigum, borrered 
thirty dolers and a clene shirt, and de- 
partid. [Poskrip. — The clene shirt I 
borrered fruin a line about 9 P. M.] 

Toosdy, 3d. — Houktown wuz the next 
pint. Dimecrisy all rite to opperate on. 
Never wuz in a place in wich nigger wuz 
so hated and feerd. They hev a holesum 
prejoodis agin evrything black. Wun 
old patriark shot all his black sheep, 
paintid a black boss red, and his dawter, 
a gushin majen uv thirty-too, askt the 
obgik uv her affeckshins too dy his raven 
lox white. A roomer that a Provo Mar- 
shel wuz in the visinity did the job fer 
him in a single nite. Found him well 
organizd. Addrest em at length, showin 
conclusivly that hed Linkin resined in 
faver uv the hi-mindid Davis, we shood 
never hed this war. That sech acomper- 



106 THE NASBT PAPERS. 

mise, and tbe follerin consessions, wood 
liev averted blud-shed, to-wit : 

The rite uv suffrage to held only by 
slave-owners and sech ez they may de- 
signate. 

The repele uv awl tariffs ceptin the 
wun on sugar. 

The fillin up uv Boston harbor. 

The suppreshun uv the Triboon. 

The hangin uv Giddins, Waid, Ashly, 
Summer and Oin Luvgoy. 

I dwelt at length on the horrers uv 
amalgamashen, and closed with an elo- 
kent appele to stand by Yanlandigum 
and pure Dimocrasy. Borrered three 
dolers on a prommis to remit, wich I shel 
do sum time after next Preidenshel 
eleckshin. I maid the wictim ezy, by 
given him my note. Wen men can be 
made comfortable by simply a note, I 
alluz do it, if they furnish paper. Bene- 
volens is a prominent trate in my karic- 
tcr. 

"Wensdy, 4th. — Van Buren wuz my 
next pint. The Dimocrisy here hev their 
lamps trimd and burniu. They indoost 
more soljers to desert than any in the 
county ceptin Amandy and Union. I 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 107 

organised a branch sosiety to wunst. A 
blessid feelin prevades here. They jest 
more than hate niggers, and morn twen- 
ty babies hev bin named Yalandigum 
within six munths. One enthoosiastic 
old Butternut named a femail infant 
Yallandigainia, and another named his 
boy J. N. Yalandigum Olds Woods 
Bright. The boy hez a strong con- 
stooshn and may live. Things is worhin 
in Allen. I borrered only 8 dollers uv 
the fatheful, which I shel pay wen 1 uv 
my rich uncles pegs out. 

I shel percedeto Unyum and Orange 
townships immejitly. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 
Paster uv sed Church in charge. 



108 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXV. 
WAILETH. 

Church uv St. Valandygtjm, 
October 14, '63. 

I'm sad — and waxed. My hed is a fountiu 
uv teers, and mine eyes distil dilootid 
corn-joose. My hart is lead, and my 
sole is pot-bellied with greef. My lims 
ake with woe, my manly form is bowd, 
and my venrable lox is turnd white. O, 
Valandigum, thow hast gon to the grave, 
and in the same tooni is berrid all my 
hopes. Adoo, vane world, adoo ! I'll be 
a nunnery. 

The fait uv the people uv Ohio is seeld. 
Valandigum, 

Our chosin standev-barer, 
is not only a exile far away, but ther is a 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 109 

cheerful prospek, wicb is daily improvin, 
uv his continnerin in the exile biznis fer 
an indeffynit peryood uv time. A ty- 
rannikle Presydent hez taken our old 
old habis corpusses from us, and persis- 
tenly refuses to furnish us new wuns — 
and the people hevin acqwiest by their 
votes, we lay bound hand and foot. Men 
fleein from conskripshen and sich kin be 
seezed and dragd in2 slavery — cavelry 
drest 'in obdus bloo hez license to hunt 
the pantin fugitive, who, after drawin his 
bounty and pay, changis his mind and 
desires to return to the buzem uv his 
family, and the shootin uv enrollin orfi- 
sers and tax assessors will now be con- 
siderd a crime. Alas ! 

The news affected me variously. I 
bed our township all fixt, hevin distrib- 
uted tikkits, and knowin nun uv em 
cood skratch em, ez they don't rite enny. 
I reseeved the returns with a gratifide 
smile. " Bless yoo, my children, you 
hev dun nobly," sez I. Presently a cur- 
rier arrived, bringin the disturbin in- 
tellygens that the Northern countis giv 
Bruff 30 thowsen, and 2 minnits there- 
after another arrived statin that the 



110 THE NASBT PAPERS. 

Suthrin countis had got loonatik and 
given Bruff 35 thowsend. With a 
harterendin and sole tarin shreek, I fell 
a inannymait corps on the flore. * * 
* * I awoke. A oder uv suthin natrel 
filled the room, givin me life agin. It 
.wuz whisky. The worthy woman to 
whose house I borde, hed bin rubbin the 
soles uv my feet with a jug, and givin 
me small dosis uv the Restorer thro a 
funnel. Her exershens restored me to 
life agen. I presume the fact nv my 
owin six months board did not nerve her 
frajile arm. It was revrens. 

Despondent and weery uv life, I at- 
tempted sooiside. I mixt my liker fer a 
day; I red a entire number uv the 
Crisis ; I peroozed " Cotton is King," 
" Pulpit Polly tiks," and " Yalandigum's 
Record," but all in vane. Ez a last 
desprit resorce, I attemptid to pizon 
myself by drinkin water, but that 
falcd me. My stuinick rejected it — I 
puked. 

I am 2 much prosteratid to offer 
either advise or consolation to my 
Dimecratic i rends. We air in a stait of 
abgect cussitudc. To see Waid and 



THE NASB* PAPERS. Ill 

Chaise, and Oen Luvgoy, and that 3 ply 
Abolishnist Horis Greely, feelin good, is 
prusic asid and strickO to us. I sliell 
seek releef to my sorrers in tlie fioin 
bole. 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 

P. S. — The printer will put mournin 
lines abuv and below this letter. 



112 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



"CHANGES HIS BASE/" 

Church uv Yanlandygum, 

October 28, 1863. 

Paul the apossel, on bis way frum 
Geroosalam to Damaskus, to persekoot 
the Crischens, seed a dazzlin lite wich 
struck him blind. The old Diinocrisy 
on the 13th uv October, on its way to 
Glory, to persekoot the nigger, seed a 
lite wich nocked it crazy. Wen yu've 
suckd a orange dry, natrelly yoo fling 
away the peel, and if the froot provd 
sour and bitter instid uv sweet, yoo 
fling it a good dele further, bcin disgus- 
tid. Valandigum's marterdotn wuz our 
orange — we suckt it wiggcrously ; but 
alas ! quinine is sweetnis compared to it; 
to-wit : I fling away the wuthless pcle. 
Myself and flock is now all war Dime- 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 113 

crats. We hev alluz bin. We never 
agreed with, the extree mists uv our 
party, and we remained in the organny- 
zation, only becoz ez members thereof, 
we cood restrane it frum doing mischief. 
We wer zelus in the support of Valandi- 
gum, and workt hard to elect him, only 
that, being his supporters, and hevin 
electid him, we cood curb him. 

Therefore, all our apparent opposi- 
slien in war, wuz reely its most effishent 
support. I hope the peeple will see it. 

At a biznis meetin uv our church yis- 
terdy afternoon, the follerin resolooshen 
wuz past : 

Wareas, Dimocrisy flurishes best 
wen it is successful ; and wareas, it is a 
tender flower that don't bare the chilin 
frosts uv adversity much ; and wareas, 
the peeple hev shode by the pekoolyer 
stile uv ther votin that they don't like 
Yalandigum ner his principles; and 
wareas, the people is moar use to us 
than Valandigum, therefore be it 

Resolvd, That Yalandigum never 
wuz a representativ uv Dimocratic 
idee. 

Resolvd, that we do not endors his 
465 h 



114- THE NA.SBY PAPERS. 

vews, or approve liis acts, and nevnr 
did. 

Resolvd, that onisfc old A. Linkin 
by arrestin uv hiin, and thereby forsin 
uv us into cominittin polittikle sooiside 
by nominatin uv him, wuz gilty uv a 
heenus sin. 

Resolvd, That we aint ez much con- 
seined about our habis corpusses ez we 
wuz afore the elecshen. 

Resolve, That the war for the Union 
mast go on, until its enemies is subjoo- 
gatid, and the banner uv buty and glory 
waves over every stait, and the Dimo- 
cratic committis uv the various staits 
be requcstid to procoor a suffishent 
numbers uv banners, and appint sub- 
co in mitt is to wave em. 

Resolvd, That we air in favor uv 
subjoogashen, emansipashen, confisca- 
shen, taxashen, conscripshen, cxtermi- 
nashen, nigger enlistments, and ef thcr 
is anythin else the peeple desire, let cm 
write us (post pade) and weel pass the 
ry rcsolooshen. 

These preamable and rcsolooshen 
(which, at my rcqwest, wuz past unani- 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 115 

musly) strikes me ez kivering the hull 
ground. 

Waitin and watchin, 

Petroleum Y. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



116 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXYIT. 

HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 
PRESIDENT. 

Church uv St. , 



Nov. 1, '63. 

I felt it my dooty to visit Washinton. 
The misarable condishon the Diinocrisy 
find themselves into sinse the elecshen, 
makes it nessary that sutliin be did 
and therefore I determind to see wat 
cood be effectid by a persnel intervew 
with the President. 

Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him 
delikitly, thus : 

"Linkin," sez I, " ez a Dimocrat, a 
free-born Dimocrat, who is prepard to 
die with neetnis and dispatch, and on 
short notis, fer the inalienable rite uv 
free speech — knoin also that you er a 



THE NASBY PAPEES. 117 

goriller, a feendish ape, a thirster after 
blud, I speek." 

" Speek on," sez he. 

" I am a Ohio Dimocrat," sez I, " who 
hez repoodiatid Yalandigum." 

"Before or sinse the elecshin, did yoo 
repoodiate him ?" sez he. 

" Sinse," retortid I. 

" I thot so," sed he. " I would hev dun 
it too, hed I bin yon," continnered he, 
wjth a gorriller-like grin. 

" We air now in favor uv a wiggerns 
prosecushen nv the war, and we want 
you to so alter yoor polisy that we kin act 
with yoo, corjelly," sez I. 

" Say on," sez he. 

" I will. We don't want yoo to change 
yoor polisy, materially. We air modrit. 
Anxshus to support yoo we ask yoo to 
adopt the follerin trifling changis : 

Restoar to us our habis corpusses, as 
good ez new. 

Arrest no moar men, wimmin and 
children, fer opinyun's saik. 

Repele the ojus confisticashen bill, 
wich irytaits the Suthern mind and fires 
the Suthern hart. 

Do away with drafts and conskripshens. 



118 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

Revoak the Einansipashen proclama- 
shen, and give bonds that you'll never 
ishoo a nother. 

Do away with tresury noats and sich, 
and pay nuthin but gold. 

Protect our dawters fruni nigger eqwa- 
lity. 

Disarm yoor nigger soljers, and send 
back the niggers to ther owners to con- 
ciliate them. 

Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv 
the South, and plej the Guverment to 
remoonerate our Suthrin brethren fer 
the losses they hev sustaned in this on- 
natral war. 

Call a convenshen uv Suthern men 
and sech gileless Northern men ez F. 
Peerce, J. Bookannun, Fernandough 
Wood and myself, to agree upon the 
terms uv re-unien. 

" Is that all ?" sez the goriller. 

" No," sez I promptly. " Ez a ga.rau- 
i ec uv good faith to us, we shel insist that 
the best haff uv the orfiscs be given to 
Dimocrats who repoodiate Yalandigum. 
Do this, Linkin, and yoo throw lard ile 
on the trubbled waters. Do this and yoo 
rally to yoor support thowsends uv noble 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 119 

Dimocrats, who went out uv offis with 
Bookannon, and hev bin gittin ther 
whisky on tick ever sinse. We hev 
maid sakrifises. We hev repoodiatid 
Yalandiguni — we care not ef he rots 
in Canady — we are willin to jine 
the war party reservin to ourselvs the 
poor privilidg uv dictatin how and on 
wat prinsipples it shel be carried on. 
Linkin ! Goriller ! Ape ! I hev dim." 

The President replide that he wood 
give the matter serious considerashen. 
He wood menshen the idee uv resinin to 
Seward, Chais and Blair, and wood ad- 
dres a serculer to the Postmasters et set- 
try, and see how menny uv em wood be 
willin to resine to accommodait Dimo- 
crats. He hed no dout sevral wood do 
it to-wunst. " Is ther any littel thing I 
kin do fer you ?" 

" Nothin pcrtiklcr. I wood accept a 
small Post orifis, if sitooatid within ezy 
range uv a distilry. My politikle daze 
is well nigh over. Let me but see the 
old party wunst moar in the assendency 
— let these old eyes onct moar behold 
the Constooshn ez it is, the Union ez it 
wuzj and the Nigger ware he ought 2 be, 



120 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

and I will rap the mantel uv privit life 
arownd me, and go in2 delirum tremens 
happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the 
sear and yaller leef. These whitnin lox, 
them sunken cheak, warn me that age 
and whisky hev dun ther perfeck 
work, and that I shell soon go hents. 
Linkin, scorn not my wurds. I hev sed. 
Adoo." 

So sayin I wavd my hand impressive- 
ly and walkd away. 

Petroleum V. Nasby 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 121 



XXVIII. 

PREACHES. 
Church uv St. 



Nov. 9, '63 

I preeched yisterdy frura the follerm 
text : " What shell we do to be saivd ?" 

This, my brethrin, is a important en- 
quiry. Speakin ez a Dimocvat who fer 
thirty yeres hez never scratched a tik- 
kit — vewin things frnm a Dimocratic 
stand-pint, I hev no hesitashen in say- 
in that we need savin in a eminent de- 
gree. The dark waives of fanattysism 
wich wuz in ear rippels in 1856 were 
mountin high in '60, and now they roll, 
uncheckd, frum Calyforny 2 Mane. One 
island is yet unsquelched. Noo Jersey 
yet is troo to Dimocrisy — a oasis amid 
the steril desert, a green spot by the 



122 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

wayside, a beekon lite to the shipwreckd 
maryner, a whisky-jug in Mane — thank 
hevin fer Noo Jersey — halleloogy ! I am 
prowd 2 say tliat I, yoor paster, wuz born 
in Noo Jersey — that my father sawd 
wood fer the Presydent uv the Camden 
and Ainboy, and my mother wuz his 
washerwoman. Umble wuz our lot, but 
what sez the good book — " It is better 
to be a dorekeeper at the house uv Dimo- 
crasy, than a postmaster in the tents uv 
Abolishnism. But to resoom : 

Wat shel we do to be saivd? This 
inquiry is uv pekoolyer intrest jest now. 
Let me ask why do we need savin ? Di- 
mocrisy is the pure refind salt uv the 
government — to speek uv salt savin is a 
abserdity. Ah! my frends, wile Dimo- 
crisy savd the Guverment, the Guver- 
ment savd Dimocrisy. It wuz a strikin 
illustrashen uv the eternal fitnes uv 
things. So long ez my venrable frend 
bed a Post orfis he wood be wus nor a 
loonatik ef he did not sustane the G aver- 
ment that giv him the Post Orifis. Evry- 
thing went on, so long ez we hed the 
Post Orifises. Wat we want jest now is 
votes — and how to get cm is the question. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 123 

Whisky used to do it ! but, alas ! the 
the amount uv whisky nessary to con- 
vert a Abolishnist to Diinocrisy wood 
kill him afore he cood vote — they not 
being seasoned vessels. 

We lost controle, brethren, by bein 
stubbern. ! let us dodge that fatal 
errer. The last elecshen shode that we 
cood not lede the peeple — let the peeple 
lede us. Ef the peeple want war, let us 
be war men; ef they want peece, let us 
sing hosanners to peece ! Ef they want 
war in Ohio, let Ohio Dimicrats be war, 
and if Noo York wants peece, let us be 
peece men. Our platform is broad enuff 
to acommodait all, and on the mane 
question, which is Post Orifis, we kin all 
agree, halleloogy ! 

Hevin settled the matter uv faith, we 
will considder that uv work, fer faith 
without works is uv no nioar use than a 
whisky punch without the whisky. Ther 
must be no draft — the men must be razed 
by volunteerin. Exstrordinory indoose- 
ments must be held out fer Abolishnists 
to enlist — fer evry wun who goes stands 
a lively chance uv trubblin us no moar. 
We must hev our voters back frum Ca- 



124 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

nady. My friends, there were enuff good 
Dimocrats in Canady to Lev savd Ohio 
and Noo York. They must be hum, to 
wunst. We need em. 

We hev not suffishently improved the 
nigger — we neglectid him. Ther is 2 
sides to the war question, but on nigger 
we air invulnerable. Why yu ask ! Becoz 
he has no frends. The Abolishnists air 
afeerd to defend him, and by taking uv 
him to them we hev wun menny a fite. 

bless the Lord fer the nigger, he is our 
tower uv strength. 

My brethrin, we hev a big job afore 
us. Let us dally no longer. Think of 
the consekences uv another defeet. Sech 
uv our Dimocratic leeders ez did not git 
commishns in the army air in a bad 
shaip. They can't git whisky on tick, 
furever. Sum uv em hev got so low ez 
to be obliged to drink dilooted camfone, 
wich hez a bad effcck upon the stumick. 

1 tried it wunst. They must be releevd. 
They must hev their posishens and ther 
regler salaries, fer without em ther stu- 
micks is gone. Brethren, to the breech, 
to-wunsfc. 

My church deppytised me to asscrtanc 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 125 

the wher-abc-uts uv sum Dimocrat who 
hezn't exprest a opinyun sinse the war 
commenst, and tender him the nomi- 
nashen fer the Presidensy. 

Petroleum Y. Nasbt, 
Paster uv sed Church in charge. 



126 THE NASBY TAPERS. 



XXIX. 

SUBMITS A PLAN FOR THE SAL- 
VATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC 
PARTY. 

Chuech of St. . 



Dec. 2, '63. 

I AM not apt 2 change. Ez the Samist 
sez, " wunst I wuz yung, but now I am 
old," but yung er old, it has alluz bin the 
saim with me. Whisky strate hez bin 
my bevridge, and Dimocrisy my tikkit, 
wun and inseprable, and I hev stuck to 
em with a fidelity ekaled by few and ser- 
past by nun. But the time hez cum fer 
a raddykel change, in order to saiv the 
good old party I hev ornamented so long. 
My reezens are these : 

The rebelyun is played out. Our Suth- 
ern brerhrin is gone in. To use figger- 
ativ langidgc wich will be understood in 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 127 

the circles in wick I am akustomed 2 
move, Linkin has maid 4 alreddy, and 
holds high, low, and jack. So long ez 
ther wuz any chanse fer the 15 Dirnocratic 
staits to succeed it was natrel fer us to 
help em, fer then we cood ezy jine with 
em agin, but ez they are past prayin fer, 
wat is wisdom fer us ? Clerely to help 
wipe em out. Why? In my skriptooral 
reedin I wunst found a histry uv a 
steward who wuz about losin his plais. 
Like Hamlick he soliloquizd, " Wat kin 
I do ? I can't work, I don't fancy beggin, 
and heven't got the green-bax to start a 
grosery." (Groseries wuz cash in Judee.) 
A lucky thot emergd frum his Websteri- 
an intelleek. "I hev it," sez he to his- 
self. " I am yet steward. I will giv re- 
ceets in full to them ez owes my boss, 
and wen my day uv trubble cums, I'll 
board with em." 

The pint is plane. Y^ile in the ser- 
viss uv our Suthrin masters we wuz ray- 
ther hard on our Afrikin brethren. We 
did bete em and choak em, and did de- 
spitefully use em. We can't count on 
the Sutherners no moar — let us elevait 
the nigger to the plais his master oke- 



128 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

pide in the party. Like the steward 
aforesed, let us do good to them we was 
wunst tuff on, that we may hev frends 
wen we need em. Let that hory old 
dotard Tawney be assassynated, and 
sum wun appinted in his plais, that will 
reverse his decision that they hedent 
eny rites that wite men was bound re- 
speck — let Saincox and Fernandy Wood 
interdoose bills abollyshin slaivry in the 
staits, and givin evry Afrikan brother a 
quarter secshun uv land, a 2 hoss teem, a 
red bunnit with artefishel flowers onto it 
— inaik em sittyzens, and then — 

We'd get evry wun of em. This wood 
give us the fifteen Suthrin staits as in 
the happy daze of yoar, and 500,000 uv 
our cullerd brethrin, now in Kanady, 
cood be brot back to the land of their 
nativity, and distribbited thro Ohio and 
Noo York, so ez to redeem them staits 
frum the rule uv misgided Abolish — I 
meantersay, Republikins. This plan is 
peezible, and pekoolierly adapted to the 
Dimecratic mind, wich is ilexyble, very. 
Let it be adoptid and wunst moar will 
the good ole party repose under the 
shadder uv the Trezury bildins, wunst 



THE NARBY PAPEKS. 129 

agin will the chozn few dror regler 
salaries, and the Nashen flurish under 
the blessins we lost wen Bookannon, the 
gileless retird to privit life. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church in charge. 



4G5 



130 LHE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXX. 

TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE 
VIEW. 

Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, 

(Lait St. Valandigum.) Dec. 11, '63. 

Yisterdy I heerd a Abolishnist remark, 
" The world moves." The observashen 
(wich I hev heerd frequently uv lait) 
set me into a trane of refleckshen. 
My comprehensive mind sprang back 
into the misty daze of the past, and I 
wuz a boy agin. Twenty-six yeres ago 
I wuz splittin my symetrickle throte a 
holler in fer Van Boorcn. Them wuz the 
pammy daze uv Dimocrisy. Androo 
Jaxon hed left us his naim ez cappytal 
fer us to do bizness on, wile he wuz out 
uv the way, and coodent interfere with 
our steelin, wich wuz comfortable. We 
wuz bectn, but wuz still stroug and 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 131 

viggerous, knowin that we cood manaje 
to live doorin Harryson's rane on wat 
we hed stole doorin Yan Booren's, the 
fasilites havin bin unlimitid. O them 
times ! Ther wuz Cass, and Davis, and 
Diekison, and Calhoon, and Tooms, and 
Bill Allen, and Duglis (who wuz jest 
comin in), and Bitchy, and Benton, and 
Isaer Bynders, and Wise, and Yankee 
Sullivan, a gelloi'eous galexy uv intellec- 
tooal and muskeler Dimocrisy, sech ez 
the world never seed afore and never 
will agin. Wuz Abolishni-mi tolratid in 
them happy daze ? Not enny. with 
what arder Oin Luvjoy was shot at 
Alton — how wiggerusly the Dimocrisy 
labered ta throw his press in2 the tur- 
bid waters uv the Missisipi. Wood, o 
wood that we could hev sunk his doc- 
trines with his press. Did we allow 
Abolishn talk ? Nary. These stalwart 
arm hev hurled baskit-fuls uv unsavry 
eggs at the pedlers uv polittikle heresy, 
and my skill in eggin Abolishn lecterers 
wunst maid me Justis uv the peese 
in my nativ township. 

In the South every hillside wuz dot- 
tid with the carcasses uv Noo Ingland 



132 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

skoolinarms, who hevin bin suspected 
uv teechin niggers to rede, wuz justly 
Lung, and the plesent crack of the 
whip wuz heerd all over the land. Oh 
the in Arcadian dase, wen it only took 20 
minits to arrest, try, sentence, hang, and 
divide the close of a Yankee skool- 
teecher ! 

But alas! heresees crep in2 our ranks, 
and ther wuz confooshun. Yan Booren 
bolted and bete Cass, and notwithstand- 
ing he repentid, afterward, the Aboli- 
shon pizon he interdoost in2 the Dimo- 
cratic body pollytik, remaned. It broke 
out in ugly sores in Ohio, 1848, in the 
shaip uv the feendish Free sile party. 
Then Chaise and Brinkerhoof sluffed orf, 
and jind with our ainshent eneniis. 
Jest afterward the Anti-Nebrasky ex- 
citement, cuppled with No-Nothinisra, 
whaled us, and it was only by sooper- 
hooman eggsershens that we electid 
Boukannon. Sense it hez bin nothin 
but disaster. Bookanuon and Duglis 
got by the eers, Duglis refoosed to cave 
to his suthrin brethrin, Linkin wuz 
electid, war ensood, and now wat do these 
old ize behold? Cass, and Ben Butler, 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 133 

;md Logan, and Dix, and Dickison, and 
Dave Tod, strikin hands with Josh 
Giddins, and Horns Greely ! It is a 
singeler fact, and every leader we used 
to trust is now agin us. And wuss. 
Abolishn papers is bein publisht in 
South Karliny, in Tennisee, Kentucky, 
and Loozeaner, and a millyun of men, 
led by the ghosts and ghostesses uv 
them, hung skoolinasters and skool- 
marms aforesaid, assisted by John 
Brown's soul, wich is littrally a marchin 
on, is enforcin a proclamashen freein all 
the niggers at wun stroak, and the 
Dimocrisy bein sum hundred uv tkow- 
sends in the minority, is powerless to 
prevent it. 

Trooly, the world moves. It hez 
moved the Dimocrisy from the Pedestal 
uv Power it wunst okepide, and laid it 
prostrait. It hez elevatid men we des- 
pised, and adoptid idees we scoft at. 
Yunger men may shift and git in2 the 
tide agin, but ez fer me I cant. I shel 
maik wun moar effort, and if we fail — 
why then I shel withdraw from public 
life, and start a grosery, and in that 
umble callin will note peecefully down 



134 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

the streem uv time, until my wether 
beten bark strikes on the rox of deth, 
gittin my likker in the menetime (uv 
wich I consume menny,) at wholesail 
prices. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 1C5 



XXXI. 

COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS. 

Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, 

(Lait St. Yalandigura), Dec. 19, '63. 

I hev bin for menny yeres disposed to 
bleeve in speritooalism. Ther is sutbin 
plesent in the idee uv bein in com muni - 
casben with them ez hev gone before, 
as it may be reznable supozed that frum 
their stanpint they kin see things in a 
more clearer lite than we who is en- 
cumbered with clay. Akordingly I 
invited a distingisht mejum to visit my 
nock. 

A circle wuz formd, and I wuz reques- 
tid to call fer the sperit uv sum wun. 
Hevin a few Abolishnists present, whom 
I wisht to enliten on politikle topix, I 
cald for Tonius Jefferson. " To in us," 



138 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

sez I, "wuz yoo the father uv Dimo- 
crisy ?" 

(I use my own langige, ez them old 
fellers wuz not alluz elegant.) 

" I wuz." 

" Tomus, are the party now barin the 
name yoor child?" 

" Not any. Its a mizable bastard, born 
uv John 0. Calhoon, and that old hag, 
Stait Rites, and a low-lived whelp it is. 
My heirs is them ez supports the Guver- 
mont I help to maik." 

" But, Tomus, wood yoo hev us support 
a Abolishn war fer the pcrpus uv freein 
niggers?" 

The sperit rapt out with awful distink- 
nis, " We hold these trooths to be self- 
evident that awl men is creatid ekal, and 
eiidoud with certing inaleyenable rites, 
among wich is life, liberty — " 

At this pint I stopt the mcjum. I knew 
the sperit wuz not Tomus Jefferson, but 
a imposter, hevin heerd a Abolishn 
preeeher use the same langige at a 4th 
uv Guly selebrashen. I then cald Androo 
Jaxon, hoo respondid. 

" Androo," sez I, " woodent yoo like 
to be back on yearth, jist now ?" 



THE NASBY PAPEPS. 137 

" Too kin bet T wood," retortid Lo. 
" I'd like to hev bin President in the 
plais uv that old, whiteliverd, black- 
cockade Fedralist, Bookannon. Wat a 
liangin tber wood bev bin ! Ther wood 
hev bin vacansis in Congris, and jest ez 
inenny funerals ez ther wuz vacansis. 
As fer Sowth Carliny," — 

The communycashen ceesd, and I 
heerd a sound like the grittin uv teeth. 
It resoomed. " I'd string up Valandigum, 
and Fernandy Wood, and Sam Medary, 
et settry. It wood be a bad old joke on 
them indivijjles ef I bed controle of the 
babis corpus, I'd — " 

I refoozed to here ferther. This sperit 
wuz also ondoutdly a imposter. 

I cald fer Benton, who merely sed that 
Mizsory wuz comin to her sensis in gittin 
rid uv slaivry, and fer Duglis who re- 
markt that he cood say uv the temple of 
Dimocrisy es the Savior sed of the sina- 
gog, " My bowse is cald a howse of prayr, 
but ye hev maid it a den of theeves," 
both of whom wuz onquestionably im- 
posters. Another sperit (probably of a 
deceest abolishnist) sed that Benedict 
Arnold and Judis Iscariot hadent bin on 



138 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

speekin terms fer sum time, Iscariot hevin 
called Arnold a coppcrhed. Arnold sed 
he'd never stand that. 

Duglis cum back and sed he had jost 
wun word 2 say. The Dimocratic party 
wuz wunst grate, but it hed got in2 bad 
hands and gon crazy as a drunken bed- 
bug. It needid new manajers — men uv 
suffishent sence and honisty to run the 
party on old prinsipples. In the old 
hands it wuz a pattryotic party — a party 
that wuz alluz for the country. It whaled 
the British in 1812, and afterwards nockt 
the hind sites off uv the old Fedral party 
fer opposin it. It smash t Mexico, and 
afterwards smasht the "Whig party fer 
not helpin. Now for the Dimocrisy to 
oppose a war agin rebils who not only 
commenst it, but hed actooally bustid the 
party itself, is loonacy unekaled in the 
histry uv the world. Squelch them tup- 
penny pollytishns who hev cheeved the 
mantels wunst worn by Jaxon and Ben- 
ton (they look in em jest about as well 
as a orgin grinder's munky wood in a 
soljers overkote, and fill em jest as much), 
get onto a war platform, and" — 

I didn't care about persooinmy inves- 



THE NASBY PAPEES. 139 

tigashens enny fertlier, pertikerlerly ez 
the Abolishnists were all a snickrin. Its 
niy privit opinyun that thers nothin re- 
lyable about it. Hed the sperits bin 
reely them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, 
they woodent hev talkt so much undi- 
lootid niggerism. 

However, it did me very well. The 
mejum took up a colleckshun uv six 
dolers, wich, by a singler coincidence, 
was the eggsact amount I hed intendid 
to charge him fer the use uv my church. 
He grumbled, but finelly sheld out. I 
am now warin a new pare uv pants. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



140 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXXII. 

TRIES AN EXPERIMENT. 

Church tjv the Slawterd Innocents, 

(Lait St. Yalandigum), Dec. 25, '63. 

Mankind is the most perverse and on- 
rezonable beins uv the human family. 
Wile they assent 2 a principple, they 
never will put it into practis ef it bares 
hard onto em ez indivijjles, to -wit : 

I had bin for sevral weeks deliverin. a 
coarse uv lekters on the divinnity uv 
slaivry. I argood that the instooshn 
wuz based upon the infeeriority uv wun 
man 2 another — that it wuz not only a 
wise but a bootif'ul pervision uv nacher 
that the strong shood hev charge uv the 
week, a guidin, and protektin and a 
workin uv em. Tlie idee pleazed my 
congregashen vastly, and fifteen or 
twenty uvthe strongest pcrposed that it 



THE NASBT PAPERS. 141 

shood be put into praktis,jest 2 show tlio 
world that the grate doctrine cood be 
carried out jest as well in the North as in 
the South. To wich I assented to-wnnst, 
and at the next biznis meetin,the follerin 
plan wuz adoptid : — The members uv the 
congregashen shood try ther strength, 
and them as cood lift 600 shood own and 
possess, in fee simple, all them ez coodent. 

The trial wuz hed, the divizshen maid, 
and I wuz happy at bein the umble in- 
strooment uv plantin the grate institoo- 
shen on North rin sile. 

But alas, owin 2 the perversity of the 
human mind aforesaid, dident work. 
Old John Podhammer razed his 600 
with the gratest eeze, wile Bill Sniffles, 
who wuz workin for him fer 12 dolers a 
munth, coodent fetch it. Podhammer 
went over to Bill's cabin, the next morn- 
in, and sez he, " Wilyum, frum this 
time hentz4th, and furever, yoo air my 
man. As all a slaiv has is his master's, 
the 18 dolers I owe yoo, or that I did owe 
yoo afore this blessid system wuz estab- 
lisht, I shel kepe, and as yoo hev moar 
furnytoor than befits yoor lowly condi- 
shen, I will send a team over to-morrer, 



142 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

and taik yer bewrow and stand, and bed- 
stids up to my house, and " 

At this junctor in cums Mrs. Sniffles, 
who kin lift 600 with old Podhammer on 
the top uv it, and it wuz no time afore 
she diskivered wat hiz biznis wuz. She 
turnd red in the fais. Sed she : — 

" Toor goin to take my furnytoor ?" 

" Certingly." 

" And we air yoor slaivs ?" 

" Uv coarse." 

"And you kin sell my children?" 

" Naterally." 

" And you kin maik me yoor conke- 
bine ?" 

"Eflwish." 

" Tou old beest!" shreckt the infoori- 
ated femail chattel, forgettin her normal 
condishn, " you sell my babies, you taik 
my furnytoor, drat ye, I'll give ye sum 
uv it now," whereupon she hurled a 
chare, wich laid him prostrait on the 
flore, wen she pickt him up and flung 
him out the dore. 

It did not end here : Podhammer hed 
in his hand a patch-work coverlid, wich 
he thot he wood taik with him, and 
when he cum to he walked off" with it, 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 143 

■whereupon Mrs. Sniffles lied him took 
up on a charge uv steelin, and he wuz 
actooaly tride, found gilty, and sent to 
jail fer 30 daze. How kin we establish 
Dimocratic institooshens, wen the corts 
won't recognize the laws of nacher. The 
experiment, for the present, hez the ap- 
perentz of a failyer. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



14 l< THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXXIII. 

ESTABLISHES AFRICAN 
SLAYERY. 

Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, 

(Lait St. Yalandigum), Jan. 16, '04. 

Trouble air a cumin upon me thicker 
and faster. " Men change, but princip- 
ples, never," hez bin a motto uv mine fer 
yeers, and bleevin in the grate principplc 
of the strong owning the week, or in 
uther words, Slaivry, I shell never cease 
my efforts to maik it universal. Ther 
bein a onreasonable prejudice in the 
minds uv the week uv my congregashen 
aginst bein the pcrpetooal scrvance uv 
them as nacher hez maid to rool, I call- 
ed a special meetin of my flock, to con- 
sidder the matter. I interdoost the mat- 
ter thus : 

By Hager I provd that slaivry was 
scrip tooral. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 145 

By "cnssid be Kanan," et settry, I 
shode concloosively that the nigger wuz 
the identikle indivijjle who wuz to be the 
sed slaiv aforesed. 

Then it wuz put to vote and it wuz 
unanimusly resolvd that Aferken slaivry 
be interdoost amongst ns. I notist with 
pleasure that the poorer the indivijjle, 
the moar anxshus he seemid to own a 
nigger. 

Opinyuns were then interchanged. 
Absoluin Kitt, who is a carpenter, and 
who never saved a doler, hevin alluz hed 
a sick wife and a large family of chil- 
dren, sed that a grate work hed bin dun 
that nite. The prowd Anglo-saxun 
whom nacher intendid to rool, hed bm 
that nite elewatid 2 his normal speer. 
Hentz4th ther wuz no moar labor fer 
him. He hed a contrak to bild a howse 
for brother Podhammer, and he hed no 
doubt that the brethrin who wuz blest 
with menes wood make up a puss, and 
enable him to buy a nigger carpenter 
to do his work. 

Brother Podhammer aroz. He, uv 
coarse, wood be glad to assist brother 
Kitt, but dooty 2 his family reqwired a 
465 K 



146 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

diffrent line of akshen. His idee wuz 
to purchis a nigger carpenter kisself, 
and 

« WHAT !" exclaimed Kitt. 

Brother Podharniner resoomed. He 
intended to buy a nigger carpenter his- 
self, and bild his house. The cheef buty 
uv the grate system, and the wun that 
raaiks it altogether luvly, is that yoo 
kin buy yoor labor. 

" But," sed Kitt, " what kin I do if yoo 
work nigger carpenters ?" 

"Trooly," sez Podhammer, "I kno 
not. A carpenter kin be purchist fer 
$1,000, the interest uv wich is $60, and 
his keepin say $100 more, per annum. 
Now ef brother Kitt '11 cum to them 
wagis, and be modritly umble, I mite, 
fer his saik, forego the exquisit pleasure 
uv kevin a nigger to flog, and still em- 
ploy him." 

" But," sez Kitt, turnin pail, " my 
family wood starve on them wagis. Wy, 
I mite, ez well be a nigger myself." 

At this pint I lifted up my voise. I 
exortid Bro. Kitt to patience. The grate 
i tiraocratio idee that cappy tal shoodown 
labor most be establiaht. It may bare 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 147 

hard upon indivijjles, but wat then? 
John Rogers went calmly to the stake 
fer principple. Ef Bro. Kitt doth not 
like to accept his normel condishon to- 
wunst, he kin go to sum less favored 
country, wher the grate instooshon is not 
establisht. 

Bro. Podger, a blacksmith, sed he 
suppozed the rich uns wood buy a nigger 
blacksmith, and let him emigrait. 

Bro. Snipes, a plastrer, made a simler 
obserwashen. 

Bro. Pant, a bricklayer, remarkt like- 
wise. 

Whereupon they all, in coru3, similer- 
ly exclaimed they see us d — d fust, and 
then they woodent. 

Whereupon they considered there re- 
sol ashen establishin slaivry. 

Kitt and his, herritix wuz not at church 
last Sundy, and the Postmaster told me 
that they hed sent orf a club fer the N oo 
York Triboon. 

Trooly, a reformer's Jordan is a hard 
rode to travel I beleeve. 

Petroleum. V. Nasby 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



118 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXXIV. 

PREACHES— SUBJECT, " THE 
PRODYGAL SUN." 

Chuech tjv the New Dispensashun, 

January 31, 1864. 

My brethren and sisteren : I shall maik 
sum remarks this mornin based upon the 
bootiful parable of the prodygal sun. I 
wood read 2 yoo thepassij,but the Bible 
I hev is the only one in the township, 
and I lent it yisterdy 2 Square Gavitt, 
who sed swarin witnesses on almanacs 
woodentdo it in boss cases, and he has- 
ent brung it back. The skripter sez, in 
substance: 

Ther was a certin man who lied 2 suns. 
The yungist lied a taist for that branch 
uv agricultooral persoots known ez sowin 
wild oats, so he asktthe old man fer bis 
sheer uv the estait. lie got it, turned it 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 119 

into greenbax, and went off. He com- 
menst living high — bording at big hotels, 
and keepin trottin Losses, and playin 
bilyards, and sich. In about a year he 
run thro his pile, and wuz dead broak. 
Then his credit playd out, and he wuz in 
a tite place for his daily bred. The idee 
struck him that he hed better put for 
hum, which he did. The old man saw 
him a cumin, and he run out and met 
him, and giv him a new cote, and a order 
for a pare uv shoes, and kild a fat caff, 
and hed flour doins. The oldest boy 
objected 2 these, say in, " Lo I hav servd 
thee these menny yeres, and thou never 
madest no splurge over me, but when 
this thy sun, who hez fooled away his 
pile returns, you kill calves and sich." 
Then the old man retorts sayin, " My sun 
who wuz lost is found, the sheep who went 
astray is cum back, let us be merry." 

My brethren, this parable applize ez 
well to the present time ez though it wuz 
maid fer it. Uncle Samyuel is the old 
man, the suthern wing uv the Dimocratic 
party is the proddygal, and the Abolish- 
nists is the oldest sun. The south got 
tired and went off on its own hook. 1 



150 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

haz, I rnaik no doubt, spent the Left 
uv its substance, and will shortly con- 
clude to cum home. Now the grate ques- 
tion uv the hour is how shel he be receev- 
ed. My trends, the Dimocratic rool is 
to toiler the scripter wen yoo can maik 
a pint by so doin. In this pertikeler case 
Godlinis is gane, hallcloogy, thereto ar, 
let us be Godly. Let Uncle Samyooel 
see the repentant proddygal afar orf — 
let him go out to seek him, er send Fer- 
nandy Wood, and when he hez found 
him let him fall, not upon his neck, but 
at his feet — let him put onto him the 
perple robe wich is royalty, and upon 
his hand a ring, wich is dominion, wich 
is a improvement upon scripter. 

But the Abolishnist, who is the elder 
sun, steps up and sez, " Nary. He wuz a 
doin well and he wented out frum us, 
takin awl that wuz his own, and sech ez 
he cood steel, all uv which he hez spent 
upon such harlots as Afrikin slnivry, 
Stait rites, and Suthern independence, 
wich last two menshund is whited se- 
pulkers. I sent my sons Grant, and 
Kosycrance, and Benbutler after him, 



THE NASBY PAPEES. 151 

he did despitefully use them. Now that 
lie is week from hunger, let him brindle. 
i^f we taik him to our buzerus, let him 
cam on his nees, let him cast off the har- 
lots that hev sedoosthiin, that ther may- 
be no moar trubble in all the land." 

My brethren, we must taik him back 
ez the old man did in the bible. Why ? 
do you ask. Becoz he wuz alluz the old 
man's pet, and had things his own way. 
"We wuz his frends and shared with him 
the steelins, but sence he went out the 
Abolishn brother and his frends hev con- 
trold things and whare air we? Eko 
ansers no whair ! We okepy low piasis 
in the sinagog, and the doggery keepers 
go mournin about the streets and re- 
fuse to be comforted becoz ther cash is 
not plenty, and ef we taik back the prod- 
dygal shorn of his strength, of what avail 
is he to us? He must cum back ez 
strong as ever, he must bring his harlots 
with him — he must ROOL! Then shel 
we hev the Post Orfises, and then shcl 
we agin live on the fat uv the land, 
dodgin the cuss uv labor. Brethrin, let 
us be dellygent in this grate work, in- 
stant in seeson and out of seeson, 



152 THE NASEY PAPERS. 

Acollecshun wuz takinup fer the pur- 
pus uv sending a mishunary 2 Massy- 
chusits, wich yelded 7 dolors. Ez the 
amount woodent pay the ralerode fair, 
it wuz voted to apply it on repairs on the 
church, wich I did by havin my boots 
haff-sold and buyin a new h anker cher. 
Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



XXXV. 

DREAMS, 

Church uv the dispensashun, 

February 6, 1864. 

I am no speshel bleever in dreems. The 
gnlfatwixt the material and immaterial 
worlds is 2 wide to be spand by the bridj 
uv sleep, ur if spand at all, the way is 2 
narrer to make safe even the passij uv a 
nite-mare. [Poeticle idee.] Still, the 
sperit may, wen loost frum its lode uv 
cl ly, sore off in2 the dim fucher, and re- 



THE NASBT PAPERS. 153 

tanc a porshen uv its impreslins wen it 
agen okepies its prison-bowse. 

Last Saterdy nite I heel a drerae. I 
hed Lin a redin " Cotton is King," and 
sech works, aidin niy understandin with 
frequent drafts fruin a bottel containin 
" nacher's last, best gift 2 man," and I 
fell in2 a gentel slumber. I dreemd that 
the Confederasy hed bin successful, that 
it carrid out orijinel idee, aud hed sub- 
joogatid the northern staits. GefFerson 
Davis wuz roolin at Washinton under 
the title uv " Gefferson I, Empror uv all 
the Amerikys." The Senit and Hows 
uv Repsentativs hed bin dun away with 
by decrees, and the biznis uv governin 
wuz dun solely by the Empror and his 
ministers. All to wunst 1 wuz in Wash- 
inton, a rolein along in a gorjus carige. 
I wuz sumwat surprizd at my persnel 
apperans. I wuz drest in flesh culered 
tites, with sandles on my feet, with di- 
mund buckels onto em, and on my hed 
wuz a crown, makin me resemble a play 
acter I seed wunst a play in Richerd. 
Suddenly the carige stopt, and I alitid, 
and assended the steps of the Palise. It 
wuz a resepshun, and a chamberlin wuz 



154 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

announcing the gests ez they airiv. 
" Earl von Seyraor !" " Count de Sam- 
medary!" " Markuis Fernandywood !" 
and ez I stept forevd wat a gush uv ex- 
stasy thrild thro my vanes as the cham- 
berlin (who wuz little Samcox) showtid, 
"DOOK DE NASBY!" O, what a 
moment! 

My dreems continnered. Methawt 
the nobility wuz maid up uv the offisers 
uv the Confedrit armies, and sech Nor- 
thrin men ez hed bin troo to theConfed- 
risy. The Northern staits hed bin 
diwided into dookdums, and erldums 
and sich — my territory extending forty 
miles eech way fruin Wingirt's Corners, 
whair my dookal palise wuz sitooated. 
Niggers wuz dun away with, ez all the 
whites excepting the privligd classes 
wuz serf, wich effectooally settled the 
question uv Afrikin slaivry. The nobili- 
ty ownd the land and the inhabitants 
wuz all pesantry, payin to the lord uv 
the soil 4-fifths uv the produx. I wuz 
living in stile. We hed subjoogatid the 
Abolishnists, and wuz usin their leadin 
men ez our mecnyels. O, ifc wuz in;iL, r - 
ni-ficent and gorjus. I arose evry 



TTTE NASBY PAPERS. 155 

morin with Sumner a holdin a bason, 
and Waid a pourin uv perfoomed water 
over my hands, after wich Giin Ashly 
dryd em with towels. This wuz my ser- 
vance ! Poetikle justise. 

In short, Gefferson Davis, ez soon as 
he hed the power, hed declarid the idee 
uv men governin themselves a failyoor, 
and hed revivd the old foodel system. 
France and England hed assisted him in 
establishn hisself, and hed jest got the 
thing into good runnin order. One seen 
in my dreem filled me full uv joy. I thot 
I wuz in my dukel robes in my ances- 
trel halls, overlookin my stewart (editer 
Raymond, uv Noo York Times), a resee- 
vin triboot frum the happy pesantry, wen 
I notist among em sum who hed refoos- 
ed me credit in the days uv the Republic. 
Rage filld my sole. " Away with the 
hory miscreance," showtid I to my arm- 
ed servitors, "away with em 2 the deep- 
est dunjun neeth the castle mote! ha! 
ha !" Just then I awoke. 

It wuz but a dreem, but it left an im- 
preshen on my mind. " If we succeed 
in smaskin Lincoln and his guverment," 
thawt I, " a monerkey must ensoo, and, 



156 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

who nose, I may yet be Dook de Nasby !" 
Filled with new zele I resoomed laber on 
my sermon for the morror, on the un- 
constooshnality uv the pnttin down re- 
belyuns with muskets, with renood 
wigger. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



XXXVI. 

HIS LETTER ON FREMONT'S 
NOMINATION. 

Church uv the Noo Dispensasiien, 

Junc2,18Gk 

Halleloogy ! 

Now is the winter uv our diskontent, 
maid gellorious summer. The clowds 
that ocrcast the perlitticle horyzon is 
broak, and rays frum the sun uv success 
hev peeroed em, gildin the noses uv the 
fatheful with a radjence that whisky can- 
not give. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 157 

Honey hez cum out of a karkis — good 
hez perceeded frum Nazzyreth. The 
Raddykels Lev nominated Fremont ! 
Halleloogy ! They did it at Cleve- 
land. 

I never votid fer Fremont. In '56 I 
didn't like — in fact, I aboosed him. I 
laft at him fer partin his hare in the 
middle, I accoosed him uv being a Cath- 
lic, and uv steelin cattle from the Guv- 
erment. Wen Linkin appinted him 
Genral, I aboosed him agin, and more 
than ever wen he ishood his Einansrpa- 
shen Proclimation. 

But now I diskiver that I hev did him 
a grevous wrong. The most bekomin 
way a man kin part his hare is in the 
middle, the steelin uv cattle frum Guv- 
erment is a act that no man who sup- 
ported Bookannon can condem, and hi j 
Abolishnism — why hez to be pitied for 
that. 

Uv coarse no Dimocrat can vote for 
him, for ther is a triflin difference in our 
prinsipples, yet about a haff uvthe Abo- 
lishn party ought to do it by all menes. 
John C. is the man fer them undoubtedly. 

But wether he gits menny votes er 



158 THE NASBY PArEES. 

few, his bein nominated is salvashen to 
us. Every vote he gits, Linkin won't 
git, and then what — 

The bair thot almost overpowers me. 
We kin elect a Dimocrat ! 

This movement put a new face upon 
affairs. We needn't be pertikelerly anx- 
shus enny moar fer Lee's success — in 
fact, I bleeve it wood be better fer us 2 
hev Grant whip Lee and taik Richmond. 
Fer why ? Becoz. Spozn about tho 
time the Confedrisy is playd out we elect 
a Dimocrat, and spozn that Dimocrat 
lets up on em, restoars ther niggers, 
pardones em, pays ther debts, compen- 
saits them cz hez sustaned losses in the 
war, and penshens ther widders, woodent 
they let us hev the heft uv the orfisis a 
while. Uv coarse they wood. 

I segest that the Committis who air 
takin up collecshuus fer Yallandygum, 
send the munny forthwith to Fermont's 
Execootiv Committy. I shel taik up a 
collecshun in my congregashen immedi- 
ately fer that purpus. 
Re-inwiggoratid, 

Petroleum Y. JSTasby. 
av Bed Church, in charge. 



THE NASBY PAPERS. 159 



XXXYII. 

SONNIT ONTO A SOLJER— FRUM 
A DIMMEKRATIC STAN-PINT. 

BY PETROLEUM V. NASBY. 

Bloo-koted monster! — tliow goist 4th, 
Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pint- 

ed baynet, 
Whose peeked end with Suthrin blud 
is wet, 
I hait thee! tool and minyun uv the 

North ! 
Put on a Dimocrat them kote and pants, 
Put in his hand a gun with peeked 

eend, 
Then toot a fife and he's a Link in 
feend, 
Who thirsts fer blud uv Dimecratic 

saints. 
Monster unnachrel, by Niggerism 
hatched, 



160 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

Thowsends and moar uv Diinocrats 

yoo've slane 
"Whoo'l never rally to the poles again, 
To vote, ez wunst they did a tikkit all 

unskratched. 
Avant ! yoor work our party is undoin, 
To usyourkote uv bloo uiencs jest bloo 
rooin. 

THAT'S AWL. 






MDLNEB AND BOWEHBY, PIUMTEBB, HALIFAX. 



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