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S? Fran CIS M^^khheamj 4imiff*MN Mo€^m} 



COMEDY, 




Str JcuH VANBiitfGii and Mr. Cibhek* 
MANAGE R'-s It^O b K, 



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atrt'KoPi'a in erotJt»r«enrtrat. 



L o H D o m 



Tnnted foe W. LowMits, No, 77, in F^«c^Strcct, 

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l3» The Retder is defircd fo obicrvc, that the Paffages 
omittedUl the R^prefentation at the Theatres are here 
preferved^ and maj^ed with inverted Commas ; as vt 
Line 16 16 20 it> Page 18— -« 



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P R L O G. U E. 



^HIS Nay took birth JroffI pri net fki oftruth^ ' 

To makt amicmhfor errors paft^ of youths 
A Bard^ tha^s how no morr^ in riper rfays^ 
Confciout review* J the Ucvrtto of hit plays : 
An J ibon^b applaufehis waMnn r^iuft had fir* tf^ 
HimfelJ Condcmn'drol.Hit fy^val minds admir\U 
At length be otx^n^d^ that 'pays JI-ouU ht yoikfet 
Koi only lijhat you firej hut ought to be : 
Thoug-b vice -was tiatwal^ \twtis never meanf^ 
Tbejidgefhotddjhenu it^ hut for puni/hment ! 
fVarm ruitb that thoughtj bis mufe ofite more takjleimf^ 
Rtjolxf'd to bring Iflekraious life to Jhame. 
Suc/i ^'Ji'its the piecf his latef pin dtfgn\^^ \ 
But left no traces kf hit plan bi hi fid. • 

!i Luxwiafitf cent's^ unprun*d or half eontritt* d \ 
!• Tif^ thi^Hgh the mafs^ bis natitf§ fire fur viii^d: 
Jiougli dS rich 01 s^ in mines the treufurc icy^ 
Tet^tU *twas ricbf and forms at Icstgtb a play* 
InnK'bich the hold coftipilrr hoafis no mirity ' 

. But that his pains have fav^d you fcenet offpiriti 
h^ ^ot Jlenei^ thai would a noify jry impart^ . ; 
t Butfuch as hyjS the mind^ and Zva rm thd. bemrim 
f ij^"' P''^ifi' ^J /^'"''^A no Jure actcunt he draws^ 
Dut'Jixt attaitHan isfinctre afplaufe. 
ltth(H Cfor\bardyok*irbWHthetafk)hisart 
Cam to tbffe emhrythfienei if«o lif^impart^ 
The Living proudly: ''Mould exclude his laySf 
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,j - THE 

V '^P R VO KED jtUSB^ND, 

i " — r:^ — : ^ 

^ ACT iV* 8 G tT'J E Lord Townly*i Jfariaent. 

J S Lord Tow nlyyZi/tff. 

WHY did 1 manr^? W. s it not evident, my 
plain, rational fchcmc of lift: was impr:i«'cicablc, 

Mith a woman of fo different a way of thinking r Is 

there one article of it, Hhat (lie has not broke in upon ? — — 

Yes let me do her julikc her reputation That 

■ I have no rcafon to believe is in c^vicllion— --But ihcii 

t liovv k)ng her profligate tourfe of } Icalu res may make h.*r 
able tb keep it — is afl^o^'king cj«c(iion ! and her prcfiinlj^- 
tion while (lie kcfps^it-^infupponablc! for on the pride of 
that (ingle virtue, (lie fcems to lay It do\«S, ai a funda- 
mental noint, that the free indulgence of every other vice, 
this fertile town affords, is the birrh-right prerogative of 

J a woman of quality— Amazing ! that a creature fo wiimi 
in the piir(utt of her plc'ifurca, (liould never ca^ one 
thowght towards her happlncfs Thus, while (he 

admits no lover, Aie thinks it a greater merit- (Hll, in her 
chaiHty, not to care tot her hufband ; and while (lie ^er« 

^ iclf is lolacing in one continual roimd of cards and good 
^company, h«» poor wretch ! is left at large to take CStc 

I of hit own contentment-— *Tis time indeed (bme care wcfe 

^ taken, and ipeedily there fliall be — Yet let me not be 'r'slfa 
•— PcrKapt this dilap|iDintmeAt of my heart may make* me 

r loo impatient; and fomc tempers, when reproach'd, gjrfitr 

i; ihoreiUntraoaUe—— Here file comes -^—••Let me be caka 

f . t /J^: . Enter Lady Towniy, ' • 

.. . <*Goingout1fo foon after dinner, madam ? 

La. Toivn. Lard, my Lord ! what can I poffibly do at 
* liome? I 

*♦ £•' Towit**Yfh^.t does my JBfter, Lady Grace, do at 
^'' home? ..V 

% La. Ttfnvn. Why, that is to me amaxing ! Have you ever 

any pleafuie a^ home ? ^ ... 

^ ■ i,i^- - "" A3 JL. 7tfU'», 



« thetrovoked husband? ok 

Z. Tow»i^ It might* be in Jgpuf power, madam, I cOtt- 
fcfs, to make it a little Tfiiore' comfortable to me. ■ • 

Z. Sr<7-u;«. Comfbr^ble! and fc^ -mjr gdod lord, jbm ; 
would really have a woman oUtr\y rank a|)d fpirit, flay at 
home to comfon|lier huiband ! Lcmi 1 what notions q§.lif» 
fome men have ! . ' ■*•--;, 

L.^own. Don-t you think, nia4ag|i^ fomiit ladies' notions 
ai« full ai extravagant ? ^. ' ' ^ 

1<7- ^^Tvw. Yes, my lord, when the tame doves livt 
coopM within the peb ^pf your prc<rept8, 1 do^idk' Vuk 
prodi^ioiif indeed ! - 

X. Town, And when they fly wild about this towiii 
madam, pray what muft the world think of 'em ihenf 

La. fcnxm. Oh! this world i^ not fo ill bred, as t^ 
quarrel with a^^y womin for liking ir* -; 

Z* Town, Nor i|m I, madam^i^^ hlliband fo well bred, 
as to bear my wife's being fo fondfX)f it f in ihort, tl^c life 
you lead, madam ■ -. .,,.. 

La. Town. Is, to me, the pltafantcfl life in the world. 
^i.Town. I^iould not difpute your taile, madam, if ^ 
udman had aright to pleafe nobody but herfelf. 

La- ?wiw- -Why, whom would you have her pleafe ? 

X» ^'^^Ti;^* Sometimes her huiband. 

La, Town. And don't you think a hufband under the 
lame obligation ? 

L. Totjun. Certainly. 

La. Town, Why then we are agreed, my lord— •For 
if I never go abroad, 'till I am weary of^being at hom« 

»— which you know is the cafe is it not equally rea- 

ibnable^ not .to come home till one'« as wedry of being 
•broad ? 

Z. Tavm. If this be ydtir rule of|tfe, madam, 'tis time ' 
.!• aik you one fcrious a ueilion. ^ 

La.^ Town, Don't let it be long a coming then ■ for 

I am in hade. 

X. Towti. Madam, when I arafcrioui, I expe^a ferious » 
anfwer. • >, 

La. Tmxmm Before I know the queftion ? 

Z. 1o<ivn. Pfliah have J power, madam, to makt 

you fcrious by intrcaty ? ., 

La. Town. Vou have. 
^ I. Town. And you promife to anfWer me fincerely ? 

La. 2ewn* Sincerely. ^ ^ 

. r^ '■' L*Towfi^ 

*■ *. .. '• * 

-* . / "• " . - 



A JOUHNEY TO LONDbX. : 

L. Town. Now then recoiled your thoughts* and tell 
me ferioufly, why ^ou married me > 
,La* Towm, You indft upon truth, you fay ? 
y ^'L. Tcrwm* T think I have a right to it. 

Lm» fown. Why then, my lord, to giTie you at orce t 
k proof of my obedience and lincerity— 1 tinnk**— I mar- 
' ried-^to tak^ oft' that reftraint that lay upon n\y ple.i« 
-^Ares, Wbilel was a Angle woman. 

la. Tojvn* How, madam, is any woman unJer lefs re- 
a flraifitafher marriage, than before it ^ 

La. Town. O my lord ! my lord ! they arc quite different 
creatures ! Wives have inf^ite liberties in life, that would 
be farrii^le in an uiKharried woman to taket 
Lm ToTvn» Namc^pne. 
La. To'Mn. Fiftyi^^if you plcafe'-^— To^gin then, hi' 

the morning a itnifH|4 woman may have men at hct 

toilet^ invite therf} to dmncr, appoint them a party in a 
£tsLge box at the play ; cngrofs the convcrfation there, call 
*em bv their Cfaifidian names ; talk louder than the players ; 
—from thence jaunt into tha city take a frolick- 

fbmefupper at an India houf e perhaps^ in her gaiete t/e 
. caur^ tosfta pretty fellow then darter again to thia 

end of the town, break with the morning into an aircmbl}''^ 
crowd to iSc hazard table, thro^v a familiar levant upoi^ 
fome (harp lurching man of quality, and it he demands hit 
money, turn it off with a loud laugh, and cry — you'll owe 
It him, to vex him 1 ha ! ha ! 

L. Town. Pflpdigipus 1 [^Jf* 

La. 7i«iu». T hele now, my lord, are fome fewr of the 
many mocfifh amufements that di(linguifli the privilege of 
. a wife from that of a fingle woman. 

L. Town* Dcath.i^mwdam, what l««r kas made thcfe 

' liberties le^' fcandaious in a wife, than an unmarried 

woman ? '■ 

Lai lown. Why the ftrongeft law in the world, cuftom 

^ — ^-cufiom time out of mind, my lord. 

^., L. ^awH, Cuflgm, madam, if the law of fools : but it 

*iliall never govern me. 
■ ' *f La. TewjB.^. Nay then, my lord, 'tia time for me to 
' . obfcrve the laws of prudence. 

Lm Town. I .vifh I could fee an inftance of it. 
La. "Town. You ihall have one this moment, my lord : 
(xk I think, w^n a man begins to lofe his ten^r at home, 
. ^ A^ ^ /■ hi 



« THE'FROvfiKED HUSBAND; Or, 

if a womai^ has any prudence, why— — ilie'll go abroad 
*till he comes to hiinfclf again. [(?<?/«§•. 

L» Tonufu Holdy madwrn ■ faro amazed you are ooc 
more unuify at the life we leai! You 4on*t want fenfe, and ' 
yet feem void of all humanity : for, uith a blufli 1 fay it, 
J think I have not wanted love. 

La. Town. Ohi don't fay that, my lord, if you {uppofe 
I h^vc my.^fenfes J * " . 

Z. Towi. What is it I have done to you ? what can you 
«om plain of? 

La, Jawn, Oh ! nothing in the leail : *tis true, you 
have hearfi mc f^iy I have owed my lord Lurcher an hun- 
dred pounds theffr three Weeks — but wliat then %. huf- 

band is not liable to hia wife's debts of honour, you know 

-it: and if a filly womian will be uncaiy? about money flic 

can't be fued ftlr> what's that toj^ifftf as long as he loves 
her, to be furc fhe can have nothiipg to complain of, 

Z. Town. By Heaven, if my wl^ole fortune thrown into 
your lap, could make you delight in the chearful duties of 
a wife, I fliould think myfeU a gainer by the purchafe. 

La, To^Kn. That is, my lord, i might receive your whole 
efla e, provided you were fure I would not fpeud a fliilling 
of it. 

L. Town* No, madam ; were I maftcr of your heart, 
your plcafu res would be mine; but, dift'e rent as they are, 
ril ^ed cvcr\ yo ir- follies, to deferve it— r Perhaps yuu 
jnay have foiiie other trifling debts of honour abroad, that 
keep you out of humour %t home-rat leaft || (liall not* be 
my fauk, if I have not more of your company — - 
There, there V a bili cf five hundred— and noi^- madam— 

La, Towfu And now, my lord, down to the ground I 

thank you ri^^^w am I convinced,, were I weak enough 

to love chid mdn, 1 ihould never get a fingle' guinea from 
him. i^Jtdt. 

L. Jki'a. If .it be no offence, madam — 

La, YoTvn. Say wh«t you pleafe, my lord ; I am in that j, 
harmony of fpiritp, it is impofliblc to put me out of humour. 

L, ToTVtt* f^ow lon^, in rcafou then, do you think that^ 
fum ought to lal^ you ? ' 

La. Tr-wn. Oh! my dear, dear lord ! no?/ you have 

fpoil'd a?l i^ain ! Jiow is it poffible I (bould anf^ver for an 

event that fo utterly depends upon fortune ? But to fliew 

you^ that I am, more inclined tucet money, than to throv 

• -- '^ . it 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. ''9 
it' aA«ray«*l h«re a'ftrong polTcflion, that witfi this five 
hundred, 1 flian win fi^ t^ouf nd. 

L. %^ft. Madanljf if you were to win trn thouCniid, it 
would ne no futisfaAioh to nie. 

la. Tt»^.vn, O! the churl ! ten thoufand! what! not fo 

' much as wilh I might win ten thoufand! Ten thoirfjin^I 

O! t%e charming fum ! what infinire pretty thin:i;8 might 
« woman nf fpi nt do wi:h ten ^huufand guincai! O' my 
confctcnce, it flic were a woman of true fpirit flic 

•— — (lie nught Ibfe *em all aciiin! 

L. Toxvn. And. I had rather it fliculd he fo, mndarh ; 
provided I co\ild bs lure that were the Inll you would lol'c. 
Lai!Tozvn, WfU, :iny lord, to let you Ice 1 dclii;n to 
play all the good boiile.\ite I can ; I am now ^oing to a 
party at quadrille, 'onlyto | iddlc wkh a 'ittlc of it, at poor 
two gumeas a fifli,^with the duchcfs of Quitoii ; t. 

' -f J ' [Exit Lady Townl/. 

L. ToiVftr infenfib'-c creature ! neither reproaches or 
indulgence, kindnefs or feverity, can wake her to the Icaft 
^refledtion ! Continual !ic<ncc has luUM her into fuch ^ 
f lethargy of care, that flie fpcaks of her cxcelTcs with rhe 
fame eafy coofidence, as if rhey were fo many virtues^ 
What a turn has hei head taken ! — l>ut how to cure it — I 
am afraid the phj^fic maft be ftronf^ that reaches her— 
Lenitives, 'I fee, are to no purpofc — take my friend's opi- 
nion — Manly will fpeak freely — my filler with tenderneft 
y to both fides.'* They know rav calc— I'll talk with 'em, 
Enter a Se'^vant, 
Serv. Mr, JManly, my lord, has fent to know if yowf 
lordniip was at hon)^. . * 

' £• S>ii>«; *rhey did not deny me? 
I ^rrT^'No, *my lord," y 

k jU ToTun. Very well ; ftep up ,to my fitter, and fay, t 
" icfire t0 fpeak with her. 

Serv, Lady Grace is here, my lord. ' [Exit Serhatii* 
y^' Enlrr Lady Grace. 

*.- I. 7iw». So, lady fair; what pretty weapon have yon 
* teen killfng your ittme with ? 

^ Za, Grace. A huge folio, that has almod kill'd zxie«-I 
M <hink I have half read my eyes out. 
f Lm Toxun, 0! you,fliouid not pore fo much juft after 

iOxuier^ chi^d* 
• ^ ■ A 5 . la. Sr«(^ 



>o THE TROyOKED HUSBAND* Or, 

Ztf. Gr^tf. That V true; but any body'*, thoughts tre 
fcettcr than always one*8 own, vou know. ' " ^ 

X. 7i.w;». Who's there ? '" '^ ,* . 

EfiUr Servant.-* **' 

Leave word at ihe door, 1 am at home to nobody but Mr. 
Manly. - . ' {Exit SitvanU - 

La. Grace. And why is he expected, pray, mv Uwd ? 

/«• 7'^»v«. 1 hope, madam, you have no objeaion to hb 
conpany ? 

La. Grace, Your particular orders, upon my being here, 
Jobkj, indeed, as if you thou^^ht I hacl not. 
" L. To-wtt, And your l^dyfliip*s inquiry into the reafon 
of thofc orders, fliew, atleaft, it uas^^not a mattftr^imiif- 
fcrent to you ! •* 

La* Grave, Lord, you naake the added conftru^lionf, 
brother ! 

//. ToiJon. I^ook you, my grave Lady Grace— in one 
ftrious word- 1 wifh you had him. '" 

' La. Grace, J can*t help that. 

' L, Town. Hah I you can't help it ! ha ! ha ? The flat 
fimplicity of th-it reply was admirable ! ' 

La, Grace, Pooh ! you tcazc one, brother ! 

L. TowfuQomty 1 beg pardon, child this is not a 

point, I grant •you, to trifle upon j' therefore, I hope, 
you^l give mc leave to be ferious. 

La» Gxace, If you defirc it, brother; though, upon my 
word, as to Mjr, Manly '» having any fcrioiM thoughts of 
n)e ■ -I'knovv nothnig of it. 

L. To^vn. ;W$ilI there's nothing wrong in y. nr 

Tnaking a doubt of it But in fliort, I find, by his con- 

vcrfation.oflatc, he has been looking round the world for . 
a wife ; and, if you were to looW rou'id the work! for a 
Jiuft)and, he's t-lic firfl man I would give to you, 
* La Grace, Then, whenever be niakel me any offer, 
brutfeer, I wjll certainly tell you of it. 

L. Town. O! that's the laft thing hcM do; he'll never , 
make you an offer, 'till he's pretty fure ic won't be refuCcd. 

La, Grace. Now you make me cu.ious. Pray I did be 
ever ninke any ofter of that kind to you ? 

i. Tfivm. Not dircdlly : but that imports nothing : he 
is a man too W9II acquainted with the female world, to be 
brought into a high opinion of any one woman, without 
fome well* examined proof of her merit $ yet I have reafon 

to 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. ii 

to believe, that your good fcnfc, j-our turn of mimi, and 
your way of life, have brought him to fo favoanble a ona 
of you,, that a feiv days will reduce him to talk pliiuly to 
me ; which as yet, (notwithftandinji^ our fricndfhip) I have 
neither declined nor encouraged him to. 

L.a. Gract, I am mighty glad we arc fa near in our way 
of thinking: for to tell you the truth, he is much upou 
the fame terms with me : vou know he has a fatyrical 
, turn; but never I'^flies any folly, without giving dye en- 
comiums to ks oppotite virtue : and upOii'fuch occafioiiSv 
he is fometimes parriculaTj in turning his compliments 
upon me, which f d^n't receive with any rcfcrvc, left he 
fhoiild imagine I take them to myfelf, 

i. Town* You are ri^^hr, child : when a man of merit 
makes hit addrcdes, gooid fenfc may give him no anfA'cr, 
without fcorn or coauetry. 

La^ Grace* Hu(h 1 he • here— — 

Enter Mr. Manly. 
Man. My lord ! your moft obedient. 
L. Town. Dear Manly ! yours— I was thinking to fend 
to you. 

Man. Then I am glad I am here, my lord m Lady 

Grace, I kifs yonr hands ! What ! only you two! how 

man^ vifits may a man make, before he falls into fuch un- 

fafluonable company ? A brother and fifter foberly fitting 

r at home, when the whole town is a gadding I I queftion u 

^ there is fo particular a tete-a-iete again, -in the whole parifh 

' of St. James's ! 

^a. Grace. Fy ! fy ? Mr. Manly how ccnforious you 
are* 

Matt. J had not mcide the refloftlon, madam, but that I 
•*faw you an e-^ccption to.it— Where's my L-idy ? 
L. Town, That Ibclieve is impoliiblc to guefs, 
Man^ Then I won't try, my lord — 
■ L» To-wn. But 'tis probable I may hear of her by that 
'* time I have been f nir or five hours in bed. 

"Man. Now if th;it were my cafe, 1 believe I fliould— 
But I beg pardon, my lord. 

L. Town. Indeed, fir, you lliall not: you will ob'ige 
me if you fpeak out, for it was upon this head I wanted to 
(ee you. 
Man. Why then, my lord, fince you oblige me to pro- 

cccd 



It THE PROVOKED HUSBAND^ dr, 
cc«d— — If ihat wei^c.thecafc— Ibclievu I fliould Cii> 
tainly flcep in auoth ■ houfe. 

i>./. Jract, HuW do you mean ? 

A/«f. Oxiiy a compliment, ibadani. 

La Grace, A CO npliment! 

Man, Yes, nxftdam, in rather turning myfelf out o{ 
■doorB than her. 

La Grace, Don't you think that would be going too far? 

Mon^X don't know bin it might, madam ; tor, in flriA 
jurticc,l5l thiiik,»,{lic ought rather to go than L , 

III. Giact. This Is newdo^iine, Mr. Manly. 

JS'Jatu As old, madam, as LAte^, Honour ^ and Obey ! 
When a woman Will flop at nothing that's wrong, why 
Ihould a man balance nny thing that's right ? 

La, Grace, Blefs me ! but this is fomenting things— 

Mav. pomen rations, madam, are fometimes ncceflary to 
diipell tumours : tho'J don't diredtly advifc my lord to<lo 
this- ■ilfhis is only what, upon the fame provocation, I 
would do my felf- 

itf. Grace, Ay ! ay ! you would do^ Bachelors* wives, 
indeed, are finely govern'd. 

^r ^an, jiJL the married men*s were as well— -I am apt to 
think w^'fliould not fee fo many mutual plagues taking the 
air in fepardtib coaches! 

La, Grac'u^VeU 1 but fuppofcrit your owb cafe; would 
you part with a wife, bccaufc Ihe now iand then llays out in 
the bcA company? . 

L. Town, V7d\ (aid. Lady Grace! come, ftand up for 
the privilege of your fcx 1 This is like to be a warm de- 
bate! i (hall edify. 

Man. MJdam, I think a Vbife, after midnight, has no 
orcafion to be in better company than her buftand's ; and 
that frequent unfcafonable hours make the befl company——* 
the worll company ilie can fall into. 

La. Grace-, But, if people of condition are to keep com- 
pany with tme another ; how i« it poffible to be done, 
unlefs one confoms to their hours ? 

Man, 1 can't find that any woman's g<»od breeding ob« 
liges her <o conform to other people"** vices* 

/.• Town. I doubt, child, here we .ire got a Httle on the 
«vrong fide oi the queftion. 

JLa. Ctaci, W hy fo, my lord i I can't thUJ( the cafe (o 

bai 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. y, 

bad as Mr, Manly fiatcs in— People of quality mc nor tied 
down to the rules ot'tbofe who have thrir t<n tuiirs to nuikc. 

Man, No people, madam, arc above btiii); titil do^Mi 
to fomertileSf that have fortunes to lot'e. 

La. Grace* Pooh I I'm. fuiti, \i you \v- re to talc my fide 
of the argument, you would be able to fay foiucthing more 
for it. ; 

L. Tpwjfi. W.dW what fay you to that,. Mmly ? 

Man. Why 'troib, my lord ! I have fonirihing to fay. 

La* Grace* Ay I that 1 lliould be glad to hear now ! 

Z. Toivn. Out with it ! 

Afoif. Then, in one wV)rd, this, my lord — I have often 
thought that the miicondu^l of my lady ha^, in a great 
meafurc, been owing to your lordlhip's treatment of her. 

La. Grace-, filefs mc 1 

i. 7«Ji'«. My trciitmcntl 
, JMan, Ay, my lord ; you fo idolized her before marriage, 
that you even indulged her, like a miflrefs, after it : in 
iliort., you continued the lover when you iliould have caVcn 
up the hulband. 

La. Grace* O frightful! this is worfe than toother 1 can 
a hufband love a wife too well ? 

Man. As eafily, madam, as a wife may love a hufband 
too Intk. 

X. Ttywtu Sol you two arc never like to agree, I find. 

La* Graces Don't lie pofitive, brother;— I am afraid we 
are both of a mind already. [Afiiie.'X And do ycm, at this 
rate, ever hope to be married, Mr. Manly ? 

Man. Never, madam, 'till I can meet with a won:\jiii 
that likes my do<SVrine. 

ha. Grace* Tis pity but your mifrrcfs fliould hear it. 

MoMm Pity •me, madmn^ when 1 marry the woman that 
wont bear it. 

La* Grace. I thinlc, at leaft, he cant fay that's mc. \Jfi<ie. 

Man, And fo, my lord, by giving her more power than 
was lieedful, fhe has none where flic wants it ; having fuch 
entire {)ofle^on of you, ilie is not miflrefs of herfclf I And, 
mercy on usi how many fine women's heads have been 
turn'd upon the fame occa£on J 

L. Town* O Manly ! ^tis too true ! there's the foairce of 
Viydifquiet; flic knows, and has abufcd her power! Nay, 
1 amflul fo weak (with fliamcl fpeak it) 'tis not an hour 

Ago 



14 THE' PROVOKED HU^RAND': Or, 

ago XhaU in the midft oP my impatience^— -«l gave h(hr 
siDOther bill of five hundred^ to throw away. 

Man. Well— my lord! to let you fee I am fometimes 
tipon the (ide of good-nature, I won't abfolutely blame you ; 
•for, the greater your indulgence^ the more you h^ve to 
reproach her with* 

La, Grace, Ay, Mr. Manly ^ here now I begin to come 
in with you : who knows, my lord, you may have a good 
account of your kindnefs I 

Man. Thar, = I am afraid, we had bed not depend upon : 
but fince you have had fo much patience, my lord^ even 
^o on with it a day or two more ! and upon her ladyihip's 
next fally, be a 'little rounder in your expoftulatlon ;• if 
that won't work— drop her fomc cool bints of a deter- 
mined reformation, and leave her— —to br6akfaft upoa 
*cm. 

L. Town. You arc perfectly right! how .valuable is a 
friend, in our anxiety ! 

Man. Therefore to divert that, my lord, I beg, for the 
prefent, we may call another cnufe. 

La* Graci. Ay ! for goodnefs fake, let*8 havt done with 
this. 

Z,. Tpvfn. With all hiy heart. 

La. Grace. Have you no news abroad, Mr. Manly ? 

Man. ji fropos ' I h.wve fome, madam; and I be-, 

lieve, my lord, as extraordinary in its kind—— * 

L. Town. Pray let's hsve it. 

Man. Do you know, that your country neighbour, and 
my wife kinfman, Sir Francis Wronghcad, is coming to 
town with his whole family. 

L. Twjti. The fool h what can bc; his buiinefe here ? 
.. Man* Oh! of the lad importance, 1*11 aifare you ■■ 

No lels than the buiinefs of the nation. ■ 

L. 7otu». Explain! 
. Man* He has carried his eledion againft Sir John 

Worthland. 

Z. Town. The deuce ! what ! for— ^ for ^ - 

Man* The famous borough o( GuzzUdownf 

L, J own. A proper reprefcntativc, indeed. 

La. Grace; Pray, Mr. Manly, don't 1 know him ? 

Man. You have dined with him, madam, when I was 
lad down with my lord,, at Bellmont. 

La* Graci, Was not that he that got a little merry before 

dinner^ 



A.JOUR.NEY TO LONDON. 1,5 

dinner, and overfet the lea^table, in making hit complt- 
ments to my lady ? 

Man^ Theiame* 

La. Grmcu Pray, what are his circumftaocei ? I knowr 
but very little of him. 

Man. Then he is worth your knowing, I can tell you, 
madam. His elhite, if clear, I believe might be a good 
tWQ thoufand pounds a*ycar : though, as it was left him 
iaddled with two jointures, and^wo heavy mortgages upon 
it, there is no faying what it is— But that he might be 
fure never to mend it, he married a profufe, young hufTyi 
for love, without ever a penny of mcncy ! Thus having, 
like his brave anceftors, provided heirs tor the family (for 
bis dove breeds like a tame pigeon) he now finds children 
und intereft money make fuch a bawling about his ears, 
that, at lall, he has taken the friendly advice of his ktnf- 
man, the good lord Danglccourt, to run his eA;Uc two 
thoufand pounds more in debt, to put the whole msinage* 
ment of what's left into Paul Pillage's hands, that he may 
be at leifurc himfelf to retrieve his aftairs, by being a par- 
liament man. 

L, Toivn. A mod admirable fchemc, indeed ! 

J^a»s And with this politic profpe6V, he's now upon his 
Joumcv to London 

Z;. Tfiwn. What can it end in ? 

Man* Pooh ! a journey into the country again. 

L, Town. Do you think he'll llir 'till his money's gone? 
or at leaft, 'till the feflion's over f 

Man. If nay intelligence is right, my lord, he won't fit 
Idng enough to give his vote for a turnpike, 

X. To'wn, How fo. 

Man. O ! a bitter bufinefs ! he had fcarce a vote, in the 
whole town, bcfides the returning officer : Sir John will 
certainly have it heard at the bar of the houfe, and fend 
him about his bufinefs again. 

£». Town. Then he has made a fine bufinefs of it, indeed ! 

Man. Which, as far as my little intcrefl will go, fiiall be 
done, in as few days as poflible. 

L,a, Grace. But why would you ruin the poor gentle- 
man's fortune, Mr. Manly ? 

. Man. No, Madam, I would only fpoil his projcd, to 
fave his fortune. 

La» Grace* How are you concerned enough to do either I 

Mam 



I* THE PROVOKED ftUSBAND: br, 

Man. Why I have fome obligations to the fsr- 

tnily, madam : I enjoy at this time a pretty eftate, which 
Sir Francj^ was heir at law to : but ■ ■ by his being ' 
a booby j the faft will of an obflinate old uncle gave it racf 

:.- Enter a Servant. ' ' '"♦"^ 

Serv, [To Manly."] Sir, here's one of your fervants frem'-^ 
your houfe deli res tofpeak with you. '--^ . 

Man. Will you give him leave to come in, ijny lord ? 

L. TawtJm Sir —the ceremony's of your own mak- * 

ing. 

Efiftr Manly*s Servant. ; 

Man, Well, James! what's the matter now ? 

Jam. Sir, here's John Moody's juftcome to town ; fic 
fays, Sir Francis and all the family will be here to nighty 
and is in jj j^reat hurry to fpeak with you. 

Mtuu Where is he ? 

Jam. At our houfe, fir : he has been gaping anti (lump- 
ing about the ftreets, in his dirty boot^, and alking every . 
one he meets, if ihcy can tell him where he may have a 
good lodging for a parlian>cnt man, till he can hireahand- 
ibrae whole houfe, fit for all his family, for the winter. 

Man, I am afraid, my lord, 1 muft wait upon Mr. Moody. 

JL. Town. Pr^ythcei let*s have .him here : he will divert 
vs. 

Man. O, my lord, he's fuch a cub ! Not but he's fo 
near common fenfe, that he pafTcs for a wit in the family* 

La. Grace. I beg of all things we may have him-: I am 
in love w'th nature, let her drefs be never fo homely ! 

Man. Then defirc him to come hither, Jumes. 

{Exit Jamcf. 

La. Grace. Pray^ what may be Mr. Moody's pod ? 
' • Man. Oh 1 his maitre //* f>oteU his butler, his bailifl^ 
.1)18 hind, his huntfman; and fometimes — — hfs.com- 
panioD* 

L. Town, ft runs in my head, that the moment tliTs 
knight hafi fct him down in the houfe, he will get up to give 
them the earU^ proof of what importance he is to the 
public, in his own country. 

• Man. Yes, and when they have heard him, he will find, 
that his utmofi: importance Hands valued at ■ fometimes 
being invited to dinner. 

La. Grace. And her ladyfhip, i fuppofe, will make as 
confiderabiea figure, in her fphere too. 

Man» 



I A JOURNEY TO LONDON, ^7 

' iUMf. That you may depend upon : for (if I dont mif- 

r take), (hfi but ten times more ot the jade in her than Ale yet 

knowt of: and fne will fo improve in this rich foil, in a 

tponth, that (he willtvifit all the ladies that will let her into 

their houfet: and run in debt to all the (liop-kcpccrE that 

''.-will let her into their books : in ihort, before her impor- 

rant ffoufe has, made Hve pounds, by his eUx]uence at 

' Weilminftcr, (he will have loft, five hundred at dice and 

* quadrille, in the parifli of St. James's. 

. L. To-wft. So that, by the time he is declared unduly 
< eledtcd, a fvvarm of duns will be ready for their money ( 
and his worflup will be retdy for a gaol. 

Mam. Yes, ^cs, that I reckon will clofe the account of 
this, hopeful Jgtfrney to London. ■■ But fee, hert 
tomes ths^^^-Boife of the team ! 

'^\ Enter John Moody. 

I .^ Oh ! honeft John! 

I * * ^. MooJ, Ad's waunds, and heart I mealier Manly ! I'm 
P' glad I ha' fund ye. Lawd ! lavvd ! give me a bufs ! Why 
' that's friendly naw ! flefli! I thought we iliould never ha* 

^ot hither ! -Well ! and bow d'ye do meafter ? G lod 

^ lack ! I beg pardon for my bawldncfs— I did not fee 'at 
\ his honour was there. 

L. Town. Mr. Mcody, your fervant : lam glad to fee 
you in London. 1 hope a'l the good family is well. 

^ Mood. Thanks be praifcd, your honour, they are all 
in pretty good heart | tbof we have had a power of croOfes 
upo* th' road. 

La* Grace. I hope my lady has had no hurt, Mr. 
Moody. 

y. Mood, Noa, and pleafe your ladydiip, (lie was nerer 
in better h^upour : there's money enough flirring now. 
Man. UTiat baa been. the matter, John ? 
y, Mood^ Why, >yc came up, in fuch a hurry, you 
mua think, that our tackle was not fo tight as it fliould be.'' 
^V Man. -Cobe, tell ui all . ■ ■ ^ ■ ' Pi ay how do they 
f. travel? 

\' y. Mood. Why, i*fi>' ould coach, meafter: and 'caufc 
i my lady love^ to do things handfome, to be fure, ilie would 
I have a couple pfcart-horfes cla-.t to th' four ould geldings; 
I ■" that neighbours might fee (he went up to London in her 
L coach and fixi And fo Giles 'Joulteri the plowm:»n, rides 
^ poftilion ! 
I Man» 



. » 



iS THE VROVOX'kD HUiSBANDlOr, ^ 

Man* Veiy well! The journey fcts out as kjhoUld do*^ 
{jifii/g} What, do they bring all the children withttiSh , 
too? _^ 

y* Mm. Noa, noar only ^^^ you^k fquoire»; ant;} ^^^ 
Jenny, The other foive arc all out at fcoard,'at i^*l^ fi 
crown a Bead a week, with Joan Growfe, at 'Sinoak-Dunff' 
hill farm. i, " 

Man. Good s^gain i alight EngUfli academy for youn-' 
ger children ! 

J, Mood, Anon, fir! [Not trntitrftanJlnr him* 

JLa. Grace. Poor fouls ! What wUi become of 'cm r * 

J. Mood, Nay, nay, for that matter< madam, they tra^ 
ia very good hands^ Joan loves *\sm, an M thof they ivcrir, 
.all. her own : fopflie was wct-nurfc to ev||y mother's k^be 
of 'um Ay, ay, they'll ne'er want a^illy^U there! 

* La, Grace, Wliat (implicity ! A^' 

* Man. The Lud 'a mercy upon all good folks ! Wh^H^ 
* work will thefc people make I 

< [HoUhg up hh handi*^ 

JL. Town, And when do you expcfl them here, John ? 

y. Mood, VVhy, we were in hopes to ha' come yeflerdav^ 
an' it had no' been, that th' ould wheaze belly horfe tired : 
and then we were fo cruelly loaden, that the two fore-whcelt 
came cralli! down at once, in Waggon- Rut Lane, and 
there we loft four hours 'afore we could fet things to righti" 
again. 

Man^ So they bring all their baggage with the coach 
then ? 

j. Mood, Ay, ay, and good ftoreott't there i«— Why, 
my lady's geer alone were as much as fill'd four portmantel 
trunks, bcfide the jgreat deal box, that heavy Ralph and \ 
the monkey fit upon behind. , * 

L* Town, La, Gracr^ and Man, Ha S ha I ha ! 
. La. Grace, Well, Mr* Moodyj and pray how many ara ' 
they within the coa^ h ? 

y. Mood, Why, there*^ my lady, and his worfliip ; and 
the younk fquf^ire, and mifs Jennv, and the fat lap-dog» 
and toy lady's maid, Mrs. H^ncfy, and Doll Tripe the 

cook, that's all Only Doll puked a little with riding 

backwards, fo they hoifted her into the coach box— —and 
then her ftomach was eafy. 

X.tf. Gracf. Oh J I fee 'cm ! I fee 'cm go by mo. Ah ! 
ha ! ^ [Layghinfr^ 

J. Mood. 



\ 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 19 

V. y. MoeJ. Then you raun thfhic, meafler, there wai fonic 
lto«va^ for th' belly, as well ai th' back too : childcr wee 

\ apt to be famidit «po* th' road ; fo wc had fiich cargocf of 

'piumb<ake, and twikets of tongiitSi and bifcuits, nn4 

r meeie, and cold boilM bee f —And thon, in caA 

*♦ ficknefi, bottles of cherry -brandy, plat^ue-wratcr, f^ck, 

tent, and throng bttt fo plenty as made the ould coach crack 

' agsun! Mercy upon them ! and fend 'em all well to town, 

> I hy. 

Man* Ay ! And well out on'c again, John. 

l^ J. Mootf. Ods bud ! merfer, \ou*re a wife men ; and 

' .foT that nfitter. fo am I — Whoam's, whoam, 1 fay: 
I'm furrwe ha'got but little good, e'er fm* we turnM ocfr 
ba|^& on't. NMiing bat mifchief ! Some devil's tricks or 

^ otner plagodU us, awth* dey lung ! Crack ! goes one thing : 
Kawnce ! gicfcs another. Woa ! fays Roger — Then 

I ,£[>wfe ! 'we are all fet faft in a ilough. Whaw I cries mifs ! 

t fcream go the maids \ and bawl, juil an' thof they wert 
iluck ! And fo mercy on us ! this was the trade from m irn* 
ing to night. But my lady was in fuch murrain hade t^ 
be here, that fet out (he would, thof* I tould her, it wai 

, Cbilderm ifs Day. 

I ' Man. Thefe ladies, thefe ladies, John • 

j J. Mtoit. Ah, meafter ! I ha' feen a little of 'cm ; and 

j Innd that the bed - w hen (lie's mended, won't ha' 

much goodnefs to fpare. 

I JL. Town. Wellfaid, John. Ha! ha! 

A£i/f. 1 hopci It leaft, you and your good woman egrce 

y^ Mo-'J. Ay ! ay ! muoh of a muchnefs. Bridget 
V(UckB to me: tho* as for her goodnefs ■ ■ ■ why fhe 

I was willing Iji come to London too ^Biit hawld a bit'! 

M No, noa, (ays !» there may be mifchief enough done, 

I without you. . 

Maa* Why that was oraveiy (pokcn, John, and like t 
^! man. * '^ 

J. Moon, Ah, wead heart ! were meader but hawf the 
)l |f)on %^9!i I am , ■ ■ Ods wookers ! thof he'll fpeak 
F flawtly too (ometimes but then he conno' bawld it 

II no ! he copho' bawld it. 

■ L. T^wtt. La, Gracey and Man, Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
I 7. Mood. Ods .flefli ! But I mun bye me whoam ! th* 
coach #U1 be coming every hour na.v— but meafter 

charged 



3to THE PROVOKED HUSBAND;Or, 
charged me to find your w^irfliip. out ; for he has huggnf 
bufinefe with you ; and will certainly wait upon y6u,%y 
that time he can put on a clean neckclotii. 
.. Man. O John ! 1% wait upon him. * V ' 

y* Mood* Why you wonno*be Co koindj^wull ye ? i t^^ 

Man. If you'll tell ime where you lodg6. ^ ^ 

J. Mood, Tuft i'lh' ftreet next to Where your worQiip 
dwells, the %n of the Gqlden Ball ■ I t's j^old all 

over; wherfr'they fell ribbands, a^d flappits, and othor^ 
fort of gecr for gentlewomen. t i 

Man, A millener's? * ^•- 
: J. Mood* Ay, ay; one Mrs. Motherly : Wnunds ! (lie 
lias a couple of clevei^.girls there a ftitching i*th' fore roonf. 

Man, Yes, ye6, flie is a woman of gded bufinefaiino 
doubt OQ*t ' Who reoommended that houfe to you, 
John ? : ^ ' . 

y. Mood. The greateft good fortune id the world, fure ^, 
For as I WHS gaping about flretits, who ■ ihould look Out of 
the window there, but the fine gentleman, that was alwayt 
riding by our coach fide, at York races— ^— Count— — 
Count BaiTet ; ay, that's be. 

Man Baffet ? Oh, I remember ? I know him by fight..' 

y. Mood. Well ! to be fure,*as civil a gentleman, to 
fee to 

Man^ As any fiiarper in town. \^Afidf% 

J. Mood, At York, he ufed to breakfaft with my lady 
every morning. • , 

Man. Ye^, yes, and I fuppofe her ladyfhip unll retiint 
his compliment here in town. \_Afide% 

y. Mood. Well, meafler 

L» Town. My fervice to Sir Francis^ and my lady, 
John. i\ 

JLa, Grace* And mine, pray, Mr, Moody. 

J, Mood, Ah, your honours ; they'll be proud on*t, I 
dare fay. 

Man. I'll bring my compliments myfelf? So, honeft 
• John— — 

J. Mood. Dear meafter Monly ! the goodoefs of good- 
nefs blefs and preferve you. [Exit J. Moody* 

L, Town. What a natural creature 'tis ! 

La. Grace, Well! I can't but think John, in a wet 
ftfternooD in the country^ muft be very good company. 

Z*. Tovnu 



t 



L AJOWRNRYTOLONDON. ti 

'» JL* Town. O ! the tramontane ! If this were known at half 

'^ tSe ciuadrille-tables in town, ihcy would lay down their 
cards to laugh at )|oa« 

La. G'ace And the minute they cook them up again 
they wouid do tfis fame at the lofcrs ■ But to let you 

fee, that ' liiink good com puny may fometimes want cardt» 
^tokecp thciii toother, whnt think yon, if we three fat 
I ^* fcberly dowii^ to k.iil an hour at ombre ? 
* u Man. 1 ihafl be too 1 jar J. * . y.'u, madam. 
^ Z/a; Grace, No maticr 1 1 ihall have as much advantage 
- of my lord, as you hr»vc of mc. 

L Town, Say you fo, i;v.a?.m ? Have at you then ! 
Here ! Oct the ombre-Mbic, anu cards. 

* [ Exit Lord Townly. 

La. Grace. Come, Mr. Manly— ——I know you don't 
forgive mc nov<r } 

Man, I don't know whether I ou;.-lit to forgirc your 
thinking fo, madam : V^ here do you imagine I could pafs 
my time fo agreeably ? 

La. Gracf* I'm forry my Lord is nor here to take hit 
ihare of the complimeiu-*— — 'But he'll wonder what's 
become of usi 

Mom, I'll follow in a moment, madam ——[£,>// La. 
Crrt«.]r— It muit be ^ c She fees, I I ve her -^— Yet 
with what unoflknding decency Aie avoids an expLinaMon ! 
How amiable is every hour of her oor.du^^l ! >Vhat a vile 
opinion have 1 had of the whole lex for thcfc ten years paft, 
ifliich this fendble creature has rccoverM in lefs than one ! 
Such a companion, fure, might Gompeiifate all the irkfome 
difappoi fitments, that pride, folly, and fallliood ever gave 
tBDej 

Could woiqen regulate, like her, their lives, 
What Hafycon days were in the gifr of wives ! 
Vain rovers, then, might envy, \vhat thry hate ; 
And-^nly fools would mock the married ftate. [Exit. 



ACT U. SCENE Mrs-. Motherly 'i Houfi. 

V 

E«/tfr Count Baffet and Mrs. Motherly. 

C,£/^ T Tell yqu tbcrc is not fuch a family in England* 
. X ^or you ! Do you think I would have gone out 

of 



tt THE PROVOICED HUSBA^NrDj Or, .. ^ 

of I your lodgings for any body* that was not fure Co makiB '■ 
you eafy for the ivintei ? * ^. 

Moth* Nay, I fee nothing againft it, .Sir, but the gieii- 
tkman's being a parltament'-man ; and when people iMji 
as it wcr<^ think one impertinent, or be out of humour» • 
ypu .kno)«r, when a body comes to aik for one's own— 

C Baf. PQiah ! Pr'yihee' never trouble thy head—- { 
His pay is as good as the Bank !— .Why he has about tira* 
thoufand pounds a year. ^ 

MatJif* Alas-a-day ! that's nothing : you people of ten 
thoufand a year have ten thoufand things to do with it. 

Ch Baf*- Nay, if you are afraid of being out of your 

Soncy ; what do you think of going a little with me, Mrs.- 
lotherly. • 

Mfth* As how ? . ^, ^ 

C Baf. Why I have a gsme in my hand, in which if 
you'll croup me, that is, help me to play it, you (hall go. 
five hundred to nothing. 

Moih, Say you fo ? — Why then I go, Sir— —But 
here comes my niece J ihall we let her into the fecret ? 

C. Bafm Time enough ! may be I may touch upon it. 

Enter Myrtilla. . ' 

Moth. So niece, are all t^e rooms done out, and the 
beds (heeted ? " ' 

• il^r. Yes, madam ; but Mr. Mo«dy tells us the lady 
always burns wax in her own chamber, and we have none 
in the houfe, . 

Mot/j. Odfo ! then I muft beg your pardon. Count i * 
this is a bufy time, you know, [Exit Mrs. Motherly. • 

C. Baf. Myrtilla 1 how. doft^tbou do, child ? ' * 

Jl^r. As well as a lofmg gamefter can. 

C. Baf. Why, what have you loft ? 

Myr. What I Ihall never recover; and what's worfe| 
you that have won it don't feem to bfe much the better for't. 

Q, Baf. Why, child, doft thou ever fee any body 
overjoy 'd for winning a deep (lake, fix month? after* its 
over? 

ik^r. Would I had never play 'd for it I 

C. Baf. Pfliah ! hang thcfe melancholy thoughts ! we 
may be friends ftill. 

A^r. J)uil ones. . • ^ 

' C. Baf. Ufeful ones, perhaps-— fuppofe I ihouW help 
thee to a good hufband ? 



. A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 2$ 

Myr. I fiippofe you'll think any one good enough, that 
will take me off o* your hands. 

C. BaJ. What do you think of the young country ; 
Yquire, the heir of the family that's coming to IcxJge here r 

J^rr. How fliould I know what to think of him ? ' 

C. Baf* Nay, \ only give you the hint, child ; it mi]r ' 
be worth your while, at Icaft, to look about you— — • 
Hark I what buftlc's that without ? 
^ .' inter Mrs. Motherly, in haftu 

^ Moth. Sir ! Sir ! the gentleman's coach is at the door f- 
tbey are all joome \ 

C. Baf. What, already ? 

Maib* They are juft getting out— won't you ftep, and 
lead in my lady ? Do you be in the way, niece ! I mod • 
run and receive them. [ Exit Mrs. Motherly. 

^€. Maf% And thiink of what I told you. [ExitCowtf, 

Myr. Ay I ay ! you have left me enough to, think of, 
as long as I live ' 

Mrs. Motherly rctumsy fiewing in Lzdy Wronghead M hy . 
Count BafTet. 

Motb, If your ladyfiup pleafes to walk into this parlour, 
madam, onlyfbr the prefent, 'till your fervants have got 
all your things in. 

La» Wr0n^. Well ! dear fir, this is fo infinitely obliging 
—I proteft It gives me ^in tho*, to turn yov^ out of your ' 
• lodgmg thus \ , 

G. Dof, No trouble in the leaft, madam ; we fiogle fcl- 
lojfs are foon moved: befides,, Mrs. Motherly's my old 
^ acquaintance, and 1 could not be her hinderance. 

M^k* The Count is fo well bred, madam, I dare fay he 
ivould jdo agreat deal more to accommodate your ladyfhip. 

ha. Wrong, O dear madam !— A good well-bred fort of 
fra womaa.. : . . [Apart to the Coum. 

Cm Baf. O, madam, ihe is very much among people of 
quality ][-ilie is feldom without them in her houfe. 

Lomff'rong^ Are there a good many people of quality in . 
. this ftreet, Mrs. Motherly ? 

Math. No^v your ladyfhip is here, madam^ I don't be* 
liei:^ there is a houfe without them. 

L^. Wrong, lam mighty glad of that J for really I think 
people of quality fliould aUays live among one another. 

Gi B^f' Tis what qihq would chufe, indeed, madam. 

La* IVreng* 



34 THE PROVOkED HUSBAND; Or, . 

La. Wrong. Blefs me ! but wh«bre arc the childreo all 
this while ? 

. Mitb. Sir f^raiiciSf madam, I believey i» taking jcare. .of 
them. ** . • 

^/r Vran. \yi)ithin'\ John Moody ! flay you by the coach^ • 
and iee^U our things out— -——Come^ children. • 

Ms/h. Here they are, madam. 

Enter Sir Francis, *Squire Richard, and Mifs Jenny. . 

Sir Fran. Well, Count ! I mun fay it, this was koindt ^, 
indeed} 

C. ^^. Sir Francis ! give me leave to bid you. welcome > 
to London. 

Sir Fran. Pfhah ! how doft do mon— ^Waundf, Fto 
glad tp fee thee ! A good fort of a houfe tlii'^ \' 

C> Saf. Is not that Matter Richard ? . aui 

[Sir hran. py ! Ey ! that's young hopeful ' ■ v ilaf 
doft hot baw, jDick ? . ; : i * "" 

^^Sqii. Rich. So I do, feyther. 

.C.Baf. Sir, I<am glad .10 fee you- . 1 l I proteft IVIra^ 
Jane is grown fo, 1 flioul4.not have known her. 

Sir Fran. Come forward, Jenny. 

Jenny. Sure, papa, do you think I don't know how t« • 
behave myfelf ? 

C' Baf. If I have permiilion to approach her,. Sir 
Francis— ■ ^ # 

Jmhy. Lord, fir, I am in fuch a frightful pickle^^ 

^ . . : \Salutei 

C Baf. Every drefs that*« proper muft become yoo, 
madani— you nave been a long journey * 

J/ttwf. I hope you'll. fe^, me in better, to*morrovr; fir. 
[La. Wrong, whijperj Mrs. Moth, pointing to Myrt. 

Moib. Only a niece of mine, madam, that lives with 
me I fhe will be proud to give your ladyihip any affiftance| ' 
in her power. 

jLtf » Wrong. A pretty fort of a young woman— —Jennys 
you two mutt be acquainted. ^i 

Jennv. O. msma I X am never flrange in a flrange place I 

[Salute$ Myrtilla. 

Myr. You do me a great deal of honour, madam 
Madam, your ladyAiip's welcome to London. 

Jenf^* Mama I 1 like her prodigioufly ! fhe call'd me, 
my ladyihip. 

- »*£». Rid', 



A JOURNEYTO LONDON. 25 

' ^Squ, Rich. Pray, moather, maun't Ibc acquainted with. 
her too ! 

La. ff^ron^. You ! you clown ! lUy *till you Icarn at 
Uttlc tnorc breeding firft. 

Sir ^mn. Od*8-he irt ! my lady Wronghcad ! why do 
you baulk the lad ? how Ihould he c\'ci learn breeding, 
if he doe^ not put himleU' for^\ ard ? 

.*Squi Rich. Why ay, feather, docs moather think 'at 
Pd be uncivil to her ? 

MyV. Maflcrhas fo much good humour, madatD, ho 
would foon gain upon any body. [lU k'Jfti Myr. 

*5f«. Rich. Lo'you theere moather : and yow would 
bocbe quiet, flic and I fl ould do well enough. 

La M^ron^. Why how now, firrth ! Boys muft not be 
io familiar. 

*S^u. Rich. Why, *an I know nobody, haw the mur- 
rain hiun I pafs rtiy time here, in a nrangc place ?' Na\r 
you, and 1, and filler, forfoorh, i-j pic times, m an af cr- 
uoon, may play at on'c-and-thirty boi^c-ace, purely, 
• Jrnfiy, Speak for yourfelf, fir ! d'ye think 1 play at 
fuch clownifti g<imes ? 

\Vy«. Rich. Why and you *^'oan't, yo' ir.a' let it aloanc ; 
tfien flie, and I, iiiay hap, will have a baw t at al! four*, 
without you. 

Sir Fran. Noa I noa 1 Dick, that won't do neither; 
you mun learn to make one at ombre, here, child. 

Myr. If matter pleafea, Til hqw it him. 

*Sqn:'Rlch. What! th'Humber! Hoy-day.! whydoea 
our riverrwn to this tawn, feythcr ? 

j^r. .Fran, Pooh ! you fiUy tony ! Ornhre is a geam ?.t^ 
cards, that -the better fort of p.o'pleplay three togc the: ar. 

*Sf». Rid. Nay the mo-ire the merrier, I iay ; bo^ 
fifteris always To croL-graiii'4 t-t— ; , . 

y^uny. Lcjrd.!. this boy is enough to deaf pcopl:^- and- 
one has really bef n (Inff'd up in a coach fo long, ;}iar -^ -* 

Pray, madam could not I get a litilt pov.Jcr fo;) 

liiy hair ? ■ . ^ 

Myr. Ifjou pleafe to come alppgwirh me> n-i.-.d.ur- 

l^Exntnt. jNiyrtilla .?•.; :c!:m'« . 

*%«, Rrcl\ What, has fitter tj^'en her aw^y i7a\v ! ir.cVj 

go, and' have alittl' game with 'jeq^-^[.»fs4f;x ...'■'» -'Wj^ 

<7. WiofK, Well, Count, J hope .yqn,,v.';)i;'i fo f -r 

■ »g« your lodgings, but you will come, and lie n> h: '..i-s 

fometimes ? B :;:> 



•6, TB» PROVOKED HUSBAND: Or^ 

Sir Fran, Ay, ay, pr'ythce come and take a bit of 
niiitton mill us, naw and tan, when thoia*ft nowght to. 

C. Baf. Well, Sir Francis,, you ihall find I'll make but 
Very, little ceremony. 

Sir Fian. Why ay naw, that's hearty ! . . 

Moth. Will your ladyihip pleafc to refrefli yourfclf with 
adiOi of te^, after your . fatigue ? I think I have pretty 
l^d. 

La* Wrong. If you pleafe Mrs. Motherly ; but 1 be- 
lieve yre had be£ have it above fiairs. 

Moth. Very well, madam 2 it (hall be ready sm. 
mediately. [E^/> Mrs. Motherly. 

La. .fTrottg^ Won't you walk up, fir ? 
\ Sir Fran. Moody ! 

C Baf. Shan't we flay for Sir Francis, madam ! 

La. Wrong. Lard ! don't mind him ! he will come^ 
ifhe likes it. 

iVfV Fran. Ay, ay, ne'er heed me 1 ha' things to 

kok after* [£^// Lady Wronghead, and Count Baflet. • 
Knter John Moody. 

y. Mood. Did your worftiip want muh ? 

$/r Fran. Ay^ is the coach clear'd ? and all our thing* . 
10 ? 

y. Moo^. Aw but a few bandboxes, and ihc nook that's 
left o'th' goofc poy — But a plague on him, th' monkey 
has gin us the flip, I think— —I fuppofe he's goan to fee 
his relations ; for here looks K> be a power of 'um in ibii 
lawn ■ ■■ ■— but heavy Ralph is (kawer'd after him, 

Shr Fran. Why let him go to the devil ! — no matter and 
mhe hawnds had had him a month agoe but I wtih 

the coach and horfes were got fafe to th* inn ! Thi^ is a 
Aiarp tawn, we mun look about us here, John, therefoie, 
2 Would have you goa alung with Roger, and fee that no 
body runt away with them before they get to the Aable. 

j^ Mocff. Alas a day, fir; I believe our ould cattle 

woant yeafily be run away with to-night but howfomcl-! 

ever, we'll la* the beft care we can of 'um poor £iwU. 

Sir FraftM Well, well ; make haftc then 

{Moody qoei ottff anJninnu. 

y. Mooif. Od's-flefli; here^ meafter Monly come to 
vait upo' your worfliip ! 

Sir Iran. Whecre is he ? 

J. M-i. 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON, tf 
y. Mo^. Jaft coining in, at threfliould. 
' Sir Fran. Then got abovtyonr bufineft. 

[Exit Moodjr, 
Entir Manly. 

Coufin Monly ! fir, I am your very humUe fervant. 

Man. I heard you were come, Sir FrancU i 

and — 

^f> Fran. Od*! heart ; this was fo kindly dooe of yooy 
flaw. 

Man. I wiih you may think it fo, coufin ! for I confeft, 
I ihould have been better pleafed to have feen jrou in any 
ortier place. 

Sir Fran^ How foa, fir ? 

Man. Nay, 'tis for your own fake; I'm not concem*d. 

Sir Fran. Look you, coufin ! thof' I know you wiib me 
well ; yet I don*i quefiion I (hall give you fnch weighty 
reafons for iwhat I have done> that you will fay, fir, thia 
is the wifeft journey that ever I made in my life. 

Man. I think it ought to be, coufin ; for I believe, you 
will find it the moft expenfive one « your ele£Hoa 

did not cofi jrou a trifle, I fuppofe. 

Sir Fran. Why ay! it's true! That that did 

lick a little s but if a man's wife, (.^nd I han't fawnd yet 
that I'm a fool) there are ways, coufin, to lick one's lelf 
whole again. 

Man. Nay, if you have that fecret—— 

Sir Fran. Don't jrou be fearful, coufin— you'll find 
that I know, fomethmg. 

Man. If It be any thing for your good, I ihould be glad 
to know it too« 

Sir Fran. In iliort then, I have a friend lAa corner^ 
that haa let me a lirtle into what's what, at Weftminftcr 
1 1 that's one thing I 

Mam. Very well ! but what good is that to do you ? 

Sir Fran. Why not me, as much as it docs other folks ? 

Man* Other people, I doubt, have the advantage of 
different qualifications. 

Sir Fran, Why ay ! there's it naw ! you'll fay that" I 

have livcdaU my days ith'trouotry—^— what then I'm 

o*th' Qyorum— — I have been at feflions, and 1 have 

made fpeeches theeFe ! ay, and atvcftrytoo and 

mayhap they may find here, that I have brought 

my tongue up to town with me ! D^e. take me, naw ? 

B * Mtinj 



28 xHlST^RbVoKfeli lit)SBAli^:^pr, 

Ma9t\ Jf 1 take your cafe right, coqiin, *i ani afraid the 

firft occaGon you will have for your etoquence here, will 

6^, to (hew that you have any right to make ule of it at all. 

Six Fran. Hovi, d*ve mean ? " 

Man» That Sir John Vi^jorthland has lodged a petition 

againft you. 

Sir Fran. Petition L why ay ! there let it^ie we'll 

l?nd away to dfeal with that, I watrant youl— wRyyoii 
forget, coufrn.SiY John's o'th'wrtuig fide, mom! . 

^^ff. Idoubt,$if^FTancisy -that will do you j>i|[t,lici}er 
fcrvice ; for in cafes very notorious (which t takc,yp.ijfcs. 
to be) there is fuch a thing as a IJior t day, -and diij)arcn- 
ing th^m immediately. - ; ^' .. . 

. ^ir Fran. With all my heart I the looher I fend him 
k0|ne again the; bet ter,- - . 

Slafj* And this is the fcheme. you tilave laid ^owo, to^ 
repair your fortune ? 

Si I i'rxin. In one word, coufin, I think it n^y diity [' 
the Wronghcads have been a cpi^fiiler^ble family^ f^^^f- 
iince England was England ; and fince the worlcj ^npwi .1 
have talents wherewithal, 'they ftian't fay it's my fauU, \\ 
I don't make as good a figure 'as apy that ever were at- 
the head on*tf 

Man. Nay! this projeA, as you have laid it, "will! 
come up to any thingyour anceftors have done thefevfivc 
hundred years. 

Sir Fya^\ And let me alone to work it !. mayhap. I 

havVttOld you all; neither. . 

MuJi. You nftoni(h me ! what ! and is it full as prac- 
ticable as what you have told me ! 
. ^> Frar, Ay, thoP I fay it— every whit, cou fin, you'll 
find that I have more irons i'th' fire than one ! I dpan'^l:. 
comie of a fool'b ef rand ! 

Mjn. Very well. , , ., 

6/ Fratu In a" word, my wife has got a. friend at co\irt, 
as well as myfelf, and her dowghter Jenny is naw pretty 

^cll jgrown lip 

Man. [4/5>/«]— And what in the devil's name would he 
do with the dowdy ? 

Sir Fran. Naw, if I doan't lay in for a hufband for her, 

mayhap i'this tawn (lie may be laokij?« out for Jbjerfqlf . -T: 

Mm. Not unlikely. .'. . o , .; , . 

Sir F'-av. 1 hcrefore I have fome thoughts oFgctting 

her to be maid of honour. Man. 



A JOURNEY TOLONDON. 29 

Man, l^J/i/Ie.} Qh [ he lus taken my breath away ! buK 
J muft hear Iitm out. — Pray, bir Framns, do you think 
her education has yet quallHcd t)et' for a court ? 

6Vr rVtftf, Why, the girl is* tittle too metilcfomc, it*is 
true : but flic has tougue enough : flie woant be daflit ! 
Then (he fhall learn ta dauncc forthwith, and that will 
foon teach her haw to flond flill, you know^ 

Afn^ Very well ; but when (he is thus accompliiht, 
you mufl ftill wait for a vacancy. 

^'r Fran* Why I hope one lias a good c hance for that 
every d.iy, coufin ! Tor if I take it right, that*s a poA^ 
that folks are oot ixk^vc willing to get into, than they are 
to get out of —it's like an orange tree, upon that accawnt 
•M-^ It will bear blolToms, and fruit that's ready to drop, 
at th< fame time. 

Ma J Well, fir, you befl know how to make good yout* 
jN'etepHons ! But pray where is my lady, and my youn^ 
foufiof f I (bould be glad to fee them too* 

Sir Fran, She is but j,uib taking a difh of tea with the 
-d^viM?!. mk! my laDdU^--^-7ni jcall her dawa. 

Man. No, 00, if (he's engaged, Idiall call again. 

Sir Frnn Od*8-heart I but you mun Ice hernaw, couGn; 
what I the b^ft friend I have in the world ! --^•^-Here ! 
Xv^^tbpa^t ! \to tkrvant 'wi/houi.'} pr'ythoe defire my 
lady, and the gentleman, to come down a bit ; tell her, 
^rnVfCK)M£a^ M«f^y come to wait upon her. 

Ms^9 Pr^y,. (ic» who may the gentleman be ? 

Sir Fran, You mun know him, to be fure ; vhy it'« 
Count Pf ret. 

M^ft. Oh ! 13 It he ? ■■ ■ Your family will he infinitely 
bappy in his acquaintaDcc* 

. Stjsfrafi% Troth 1 I think fo too : he's the civileft man 
that ever I knew in my lifer-- why I here he would go 
•ut of his own lodging, at an hour'» warning, purely to 
oblige my family. Wasn't that kind naw ? 

Man. Extremely civil . . ..The lamily i«i n admirable 
iiands already ! [ i/i,:e. 

5rr F^-^n, Then my lady likes him hugely ail the 

time of York races, (he would nevr be wijhaut him.* 

Man. That was happy indeed ! and a prudent min, 
you know, (hould always take care that his wife may have 
innoeeat company. 

Sir Fran. Why ay ! that's it ! and I think there could 
not be fuch another ! B 3 Man. 



30 THBPROVOKllD ktfffBANDi Or, 

Man. Why truly, for her purpofe» I think ndt. 

Sir Fran. Only naw and taii^ he- his fionds a leetle too 
aiuch upon cerertiony ; that V his fault. . 

Man. O never fear ! he'll mend that everyday — Mercy 
oau8 ! what a head he has ! \^Afid<. 

Sir Fran* So ! here they come ! 

£»/^r.Lady Wrolighead, Count Baffet, andlHrt. 
Motherly. 

La. Wrong. Coulin Manly ! this is infinitely obliging i 
I am extremely glad to fee you. 

Man, Your mod obedient fervant, madam ; I am glad 
to fee your ladyfhip look fo well, after your journey. 

La. H^rong. Why really ! coming to London is apt to 
put a little more life in one's looks. 

Man. Yet the way of living here, is very apt to deaden 
the complexion— and give me leave to tell you, as a friend*, 
madam, you are come to the \^ orft place in the world, fot ^ 
. a good woman to grow better in. 

La. JVrong. Lord, coufin ! how fliould people ereir 
make any figure in life, that are always moped up in the 
country ? 

C. Baf, Your ladyfhip certainly takes the thing in U 
quite right light, madam. Mr. Manly, youf^ tumble 
fervant a-hem. •*; 

Man. Familiar puppy ! [ /f^</f.] Sir, your moft obcdiefk 

i muft b# civil to the rafcal, to cover my fufpicioa 

of him. i'^^f* 

C. Haf. Was you at White's this morning, fir ? 

Man. Yes, (ir, I juft call'd in. 

C. Baj. Pray— what— was there any thing done there > 

Man^ Much as ufual, (ir ; the fame daily carcafes, and 
the fame crows about them. 

C. Maf. The Dtmoivre Baronet had a bloody tumble, 
yefterday. 

Man. I hope, fir, you had your (hare of him ? 

C. BaJ. No faith ! i came in when it was all over — ^I 
#hink I juA made a couple of betts with him, took «ip a 
cool hundred, and fo went to the King's Arms. 

La. IVrong. What a genteel, eafy manner he bas ! 

iAjidi. 

Man. A very hopeful acquaintance I have made'nerc ! 

_::'.. : lM!fi4e. 

■ktinr 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 5» 

l^Httr 'Squire Ri6hard, 'with a -art brotxm paper on his fate. 

Sir Froji. How naw, Dick ! what's the matter with dif 
forehead, lad ? 

*Sfu, Riih. i ha getten a knuck upoD*t. 

La.s fVrong. And now did you come hy it, yoa heedlcfs 
Creature ? 

*Squ, Rich. Why I was but nmning after fifter> and 
t'other young woman, into a little room juft naw ; and 
fo with that, they fiapt the door full in my feace, and 
gave me fuch a whnrr here ■ I thowght they had 

beaten my brains out ! fo I gut a dab of wet brown paper 
here, to fwage it a while. 

La. ff^nmg. They fcrved you right enough ! will you 
never have aone with your horre pTay ? 

Sir Fran. Pooh ! never heed it, lad ! it will be well by 
to-morrow— the boy has a (Iroiig head ! 

ilf*/7. Yes, truly, his (kull fccms lobeof acorofortible 
thicknefs. [4/ulr, 

Sir Fran. Come, Dick, here's coufin Manly— Sir, thit 
if your god-fon. 

' *S^it. Rich. Honoured gudfeythcr ! I crave leave to alk 
y your blefling. 

S Man. Thou haft it, child and if it will do thee any 

fi^d, may it be to make thee, at lead, as wife a manaa 
tny ^ther. 

La. fVrong. Oh ! here's my daughter too. 
Enter Mils Jcnny. 

la. H^reng. Mifs Jenny ! don't you fee your eoufiOy 
child ? 

Man. And for thee, my pretty dear — [%hiut he**"] 
' may'ft thou be, at Icaft, as good a woman a? thy mother. 

Jenny. I wifli I may everbe fohandlome, fir. 
Man, Hah ! mifs Pert ! Now that's a thought, that 
feema to have been hatcht in the girl on this fide Hig!it;nte. 

Sir Fran. Her tongue is a little nimble, fir. 
^ ka.. lV*nng\ That's only from her country education. 
Sir Fvancis. You know (he has been kept too long there 
• — fo I brought her to London, fir, to learn a little 
more referve and modcfty. 

Man, O, the beft place in the world for it every 

woman (he ro.eeta will teach her fomcthing of it.— There's 

the good gentlewoman of the houfe, looks like a knowing 

B 4 perfon ; 



32 TH5 RRftVP^E.IXH-USBANDyOr, 

perfon ; even flie perhaps will be fo good. as tQ.flicw Iwr 
^.little London behaviour. 

'Moth. Alas, fir, mifs won't ftand fong in need of my 
5nilru£tions, 

jyjan. That I dare §y ^' what thpq paoil teach her* . <hc 
will'fobn be rtiill'VeiS of. ' [^Jifit^ 

^ Moth. If (he does, fir, they (hall . always be at her fer- 
vice." ' ■ 

* La IFrcn^. Very obliging indeed, Mrs. Motherly. 

Sir pKan* Very kind, and civil, truly— I think we are 
got into a mighty good fiawfe here. 

Man, O yeS'j and very friendly company. 

C. Bof, Hiimh ! V gad 1 don't like his looks. — he 
feems a* little fmoaky— — 1 believe I had as j;ood brufli 

off If I ftay, I don't know but he may afk mc fomc 

odd qaiellions. . [jffid^ 

, M^ft. Well, fir, I believe you and I do but binder the 
family 

C Baf, It's very true. Sir- 1 wa3 5uft thinking of 

goin^ ^He don't care to leave me,' J lee :• but it's qp 

nj^tter, we baye time cnougJi. r^/f^z/.J^Aad fp, W^esi^ 
without' ceremony, your ftintibfe lervant." .- «. 

[E^^i Count Baflet, anJ dropi a Uuer. 

la. IVron^: Ha ! wh^t paper's this ? Some billetdo^^ 
m lay my life 5 but this is no place to examine it.' 

' [Pit// // in herpochf. 

Sir Vr 071, Why in fuch hafte, coufin? 

Majf. O ! my lady muft have a great njany aflfairs upoa 
^er hands, after fuch a journey. . 

La, fVrofig. I believe, fir, I Jhall not have much lel» 
c^very day, while I flay in this town, of one fort or other* 

3fan. Why tfuly, ladies feldom want'eniployment here", 
madam. 

jenny. And mama did not come to it to be idle, fir. . 

Man. Nor you neither, I dare fay, my young miftrefs. 

7^ «;,)'. I hi»i>^ not, fir. 

Mafl Ha ! Mifs Mettte ! ^ Where are you 

going, firi 

Sir ivrt/;. Only to fee you to th' door, fir. 

Man. Oh! sir Francis, I love to come and go, without 
ceremony.. 

Sit f an. Nay, fir, I muft do as you will have mc — * 
Your l)i»rpl4? fervapt. * {Exit Manly. , 



c 



A jaUlKSY TO LONDON. y 

Jmwf. This coufin Manly, ptpa, .feeins to be hut of ai 
«dtt fort of a crufty humour-*— »i don't Hke him halt' ft 
well as the Count-. 

''' Sir Fran. Pooh I that*9 another thing, child Coufin 

is a little pvoud indeed ! but howe\'er you mud always b( 
civil to him, for he has a deal of money ; and no bodj 
knows who he may give it to. 

• La. fFr^Hg. POiah ! a fig for his money ! you have fa 
many proje^s of iate about money, lince you are a parliar- 
■ent-man : what ! we mud make ourldves flavet to his 
impertinent humours, eight or ten years perhaps, in 
hopes to be his heirs ; and then he will be juft old enough 
to marry his maid. 
^ Moth. Nay, for that matter, madam, the town fays 

he is going to be married altogether. 

Sir Fran. Who f coutin Manly ? 

La. IVr0ng, To whom, pray ? 

Math^ Why, i» it poiHble your ladyflnp ihould knoMT 
^ nothing of it ? ■ ■■to my Lord Townly's fitter. Lady 
^' Grace. 

La. Wronp^, Lady Grace! 

Moth, Dear madam, it has been in the news-papers t 

La. ^r»ttg. I don't like that neither. 

Sir Fi^n. Naw, l^do ; for then it's likely it mayn't be 



c 



o 



La. fV^ong. t///^''^.] If it is not too far gone, at Iraft 
it t^aj be worth one's while to throw a rub in his way. 

^Squ. Rifh. Pray, feyther, haw lung will it be to fup- 
per? 

S'r Fran. Odfo ! that's true ! * ftcp to the cook, lad, 

* and afk what fhe can get ut. 

• il'/i^. If yon plcafe, fif, 1 11- order one of my ma' ds t» 
' (hew her where (he may have any thing you have amine) 
•to. 

* Sir Fran. Thank you kindly, Mrs. Motherly* 

* *Squ. Rich, Od's-flerti ! what is not it i\h' hawfe yet 
* 1 fliall be famiflit but honld ! I'll go and^ 

* afk Dell, an there's noneo'th^gouleptn- lerr. 

• S^ Fr/fH. Do* {ei ; and doeft hear, Dick fee if- 

* there's e'er a bottte o'th* ilrung beer that came i'th" 
*'coach withtiS'' ■ t ■ ' if there be, clap a toaftin it, and 

* bring it up. 

•* 'Sq^-f. R'.ch. With a little nutmeg, and fugar, fhawn** 

* I feyther ? B j ^ ^> F^/ui*. 



34 THE PHO YOKED HUSBAND (Or, 



4 



Sir Fran. Ay ! ay ! as thcc and I alws^s drink it for 
« brcakfaft Go thy ways I-r-and IMl fill a pipe i'M 

* mean while. ITakcs onejrcm a pocket-caffy and.fiUt ii.f' 

lEx. 'Squire Rictiard. 

« La. Wron^. This boy is always thinking of his bcUy I 

' * Sir Fran. Why, my dear, you may allow him to oe 

* a little hungry after his journey. 

^ La. PP'rong. Nay, cv*n breed him y^ur own way-^ 

* He has been cramming in or out the coach all this^dajr^ 

* I am fure — r-1 wUh my poor giil could cat a.quartar at 

* much. 

* Jr»»jr. O for that I could eat a great deal more, 

< mama ; but then mayhap, I fhould grow coarfe, like 

* him, and fpoil my ihape. 

* La, Wrong* Ay fo thou would'ft, my dear. 

* Entfr 'Squire Richard, -with a fjuil icnkard.' 

* ^Squ. Rich. Here, fey ther, I ha' browght it — — r. it's 

< well I went as I did ; for our Doll had juft baked a 

* toaft, and was goirg to drink it herfelf. 

« Sir Fran. Why then, here's to thee, Dick \ {Drinks. 

* *Squ. Rich. Thonk yow, feyther. ' 

« La. fFrcng. Lord !' Sir Francis I I wonder you can 

* encourage the boy to fwill fo much of that lubberly 

* liquor it's enough to make him quite ftupld* ^ 

< *Sti. Rich. Why, it niver hurts me, mother; and I 

* fleep like a hawnd after it. [Drinks. 

* Sir Fran. I am fure I ha' drunk it thefc thirty ycars^ 

* and by youc leave, madam, I don't know that I want 

* wit : ha ! ha ! 

« Jentiy* But yon might have had a great deal more, 

< papa, if you would have been govcrn'd by my mother* 

« Sir Fran. Dowghter ! he that is govcrn'd by his wife, 

* has no wit at all. 

* Jt7tny, Then I hope I (hall marry a fool, fir j for I 

* love to govern dearly. 

* Sir Fran. You ^re too pert, child; it don't do well 

* in a young woman. 

« La. Wrong. Pray, Sir Francis, don't fnub her ; ihe 

* has a fine growing fpirit, and if you check her fo, you 

* will make her as dull as her brother there. 

« ^Sqv. Rich. [Jfter a long Jraugbt.'\ Indeed, rooatfaer| 

* I think my (ifler is too forward. 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON, 35 

« Jenny. You! you think Tm too forward! furc ! 

* brother mud ! your head'* too heavy to think oi any 

* thing but your belly. 

« La. H^rong. Well fairf, mifs ; hc*s none of your 
« matter, tho* he is your elder brother. 

* 'Squ. Riih. No, nor the (hawn't be my millrcft, 
« while (he's younger fider. 

* Sir Fran. WeU faid, Dick : (hew •em that ftawt 

* liquor makes a flawt heart, lad ! 

* ^Sim. Rich. So I wull ! and 141 drink agccri for all 

* her! [Dritih: 

Enter John Moody. 

Sir Fran. So; John ! how are the horfcs ? 

■y; Mont/. Troth, (ir, I ha* noa good opinion o' this 
tawn ; it^s made up o' mifchief, I think. 

Sir Fran. What's the matter naw ? 

y. Mood. Whv, V\\ tell your wor(hip before we 

were gotten to th' ftreet end with the coach here, a great 
luggerhead cart, with wheels as thick as a brick wall* 
Lid hawld on*t, and has poo*d it aw to bits ; crack ! went 
the perch ! down goes the coach ! and whang ! fays the 

Slafies, all to (hivers ! Marcy upon us ! and this be Loa- 
on ? would we were aw wcell i*th' country agcen ! 
Jenny., What have you to do, to \vi(h us all in the coun* 
try again, Mr. Lubber ? I hope we fliall not go into the 
country again thefe feven years, mamma; let twenty 
coaches be pulPd to pieces. 

Sir Fran. Hold your tongue, Jenny !-i— -Was Rogrr 
in no fault, in all this ? 

J. Mood. Noa, (if, nor I noather; Are not yovr 

afheam'd, fays Roger to the carter, to do fuch an unkind 
thing by fl range rs ? Noa, fays he, you bumpkin. Sir, 
he did the thing on very purpofe ! and fo the folks faid 

that flood by Very well, fays Roger, yow (hall fee 

what our meaftcr will fay to ye ! Your mcafter I fays he ; 

your hieafVer may kifs my and fo he clapt his hand 

juft there, and like your worfhip. Flefh ! I thowght 
they had better breeding in this tawn. 

6Vr Fran^ V\\ teach this rafcal fome, I warrant him ! 
Odisbud I if I take 'him in hand, HI phy the devil with» 
him. 

^Squ. Ricb. Ay dO| feyther, have him before the parli- 
ment* 

B 6 SirFraa^ 



i6^ THI^ BR0.V0¥:ED HUSRAND; Qr, 

Sir Fran. 0(Jft>ud ! and fo I will ,1 wili maWhim 

know wbQ I am ! Where docs, he live ? 
y* Mood. 1 Delicve in London, fie. 
6V> Fran^ Whafc's.-the rafcal'a name ?: 
7/ Mood. I think I heard lomebody call him X)ick. 
}Squ. Rich. \\ hat, my name ? 
Sir ¥ran% U'^here did he go ? 
. J. Mood, Sir, he went home. 
^Vr Fran. Where's that ? » 

y.. Mopd. By my troth^ fir, I doan't know ! I heard 
bim fay he would crofs the fame ftreet again to-morrpw ; 
and if we had a mindrto (laad in his way, he would pool 
118 over and over ^gaip^ 

Sir. Fran. WUl b,e fo ! Qdfzooks I get me a con- 
ftablc. ' . 

La. IVreng. Poolj ! get you a good fupper. Come, 
Sir I ranjcis, don't put yoiirlelf in a heat for what can't 
l3e helpt. Accidents wili happen to. peopjq that travel 

abroad to fee the world For my part, I. think it's a 

rtiercj it was not pverturn'd befi^re we.were alt out on*t. - 
7 Sir Fran, Why ay, that*s true again, my dt ar. 

j./a. Wrehg. • herefore fee to-morrcw, if we can buy: 
one at,fecond-band, for prefcnt ufe : fp befpeak a nevf. 
one, aqq then all's eafy. * . 

..^. ^ciid. Why trgth, fir, I doan't think, this could 
\\^t held you above a day longer^ 
^' Sir Fran.' Dye yilnk fo, John? 

. y, Moo<U-'Why you ha* had it ever fenf your worfhip 
\\'ere high-fticriff. 

^'iV Fni/u Why then go, and fee what Doll has got us 
f^r fijpper— 7— r an4 come and get off m)r boots. 

' . [-EvffA* Sir Francis fl;;^ J. Moody. 
\La. Wrcfi^^ .la the mean time, mifs, do you ilep to. 
Handy, and bid Her get me fome. frefli night- cloaths. 

. [£;t// Lady Wronghcad. 

■ 7^^«J^, Ye5> mama, and fome for myfelf too. 

[Ex/t Jenny. 
•'MVyw. R:ck Od*s-fle(h !. and what mun I do all alone i 
. l'Uje!efl^ek out wher^ t'other nratty mifs is, 
, A^d; piiC) andi'll go. jplay ,at Tcaras for kifles. [Sxii., 



• .CT III. 



A JOUtNEY TO LONDON. ff 

ACT III. SCENE Lord TowDly'i A^m;^ 
EMttr Lord Townly, a Sirvani aiiemiitigm ' 

L.Tinvn. TTTHG't there? 

yV Sirt>. My Lord ! 

L. Taum^ Bid them get dinner ■ ■ Lady Graco^ ]roiir 
ienrani. 

Emut Lady Grace. 

La. Grace. What, is tbo houfe up already ? My ladje 
ianocdneftyctl 

L» TauM. No mattep--^t8 three o'clock— (he may break 
my re&k bat die (halLnoc alter my hours* 

La. Grace. Nay, you need not fear that now, for flM 
dines abroad. 

L. TovjM. That,. I fuppofe, it only an excufe for her 
HOC bebg'ready yet. 

La. Grace. No, upon my word, flie is engaged to com* 
pany^ 

L. Town. Where, pray ? 

Lm» Grace. At my. lady Revel's ; and you know they 
never dine *till fupper-time. . 

L. ^-fivnt: Nd truly— »—flie it one of thofe orderly ladiet, 
who never let the fun (bine upon any of their vices ! > 
But pr'ythee, fiiler, what humour is (he in to-day ? . 

La. Grace. O! in /ip top fpirits, 1 can a(rare you— — 
(be woaa good deal la(i night. 

L. Town, I know no difference between her winning or 
lofingy while (he continues her courfe of life. 

La, Grace. However (lie is better in good humour than 

. L.^awa. Much alike: when (lie is in good humour, 
other people only are the better for it : when in a very ill 
humour, then, indeed » I fddora fail to have my (hare of 
her. 

La- Graee% Well, we won't talk of that now 'Does 

any body dine here ? 

. L. Town. Manly promifed me— ^by the way,, medam^: 
vhmt do.you think of his laft conver(ation ? 

La. Grace. — r—I am a little at a (land about it. 

2>t Towfiw How fo ? 

la% Gracft^ 



$8 THE PROVOKED HUSB^AMDjUr, 

La. Graci. Why— — 1 don't know how he can crcr 
have Any thoughts of me, that cottld lay down fuch fevere 
rules upon wives^ in my hearing. 

JL. Town* Did you think hU rukt unretfonable.? 
Lttm Grace. I can't fay I did : but he might have had a 
little more complaifance before roe, at leaft. 

Z. 9Vxi;«. Complaifance is only a proof of good breed- 
ing : but his plainnefs was a certain proof of his honeKy ; 
nay^ of his good opinion of you : for he would never have 
opened himielf fo treely, but in confidence that your good 
fe'nfe could not be difobliged at it. 

La. Grace. My good opinion of him« brother,- hat 
hitherto been guided by yours: but I have received a 
letter this morning that fliews htm a very different man 
*lrb(n what I thought him. 

X. Town. A letter ! from whom ? 

La. Grace. That I don't know, but there it is, 

\Gwi a Utter. 

JL. TVtvjf. Pray let's fee. \Keadsm 

f fje inclofcff^ maiiam^ ftU aceiJenlally into my hands p if 

it no way concerns yeu^ you ivill only ka*ve the trouble 

of readtng fMis, from yaur fincere priend amd bumble 

fervant^ Unknown, ^c* 

La. Grace. And this was the inclofed. ^Giving another. 

L, T*w«. [Rtadi.'] To Charles Manly* Efq. 

fitur manner of living with me of IdtCy comrinces me, 
that I now £row as painful to y&u^ as to nfyfiif^ hut 
however t though yeu can love me no longer ^ I hopo 
you will not let me live worfe than I did, before J Icfl ' 
an honefi income, for the vain hopes of being e*ver 
yours, 

Manilla. 
P. S. *Tir ahove four months fince I received a 
JhiUin^ from you. 
La* Grace. W hat think you now ? 
L. Town. I am confidering— • 
La, Grace. You lee it's directed to him 
L. Town, That's true! but the poftfcript feems to be a 
reproach, that I think he is not capable of deferving. 

La* Grace. But who could have concern enough to fend 
it to mc ? 

L. Tortxm.^ I have bbfervcd, that thcfc fprt of letters from 
uoknowA friends, generally come from fecret enemies. 

Lc^ Gract* 



.^ JOURNBY TO LONDON. 39 

<, . . Lsf Qrmci. Wbat would you have me do in it ? 

L. Toum. What I think you Qught to do— ^furly fhew 
it hinit and fay 1 advifed you to it. 

La. Groitm Will not that haf e a Tcry odd look, from 
me? 

Lm Ttwn. Not at all, if you ufc my name in it: if he 
{a innpcent, hit irnj^ien^ to appear fo^ will diicover hit 
regard to you : if he is guilty, it will be your bed way of 
preventing his addrefles. 

La* Grsce* Aut what pretence have I to put him out of 
countenance ? 

£,. Trutm. I can't think there's any fear of that. 

La. Gra4:i. Pray what is't you do think then ? 

£• fowm* Why certainly, that it's much more probable 
this letter may be all an artifice, than that he is b the leaft 
concern'd in it, 

j?«/#r a Sifvaufm 
. &rv. Mr. Manly, my lord. 

L. Town. Do you receive him, while I firp a minute in 
to my lady. [ Exeunt Lord Townly and Servant. 

. Enter Manly. 

Mav* Madam, your moft obedient : they told me^ my 
lord was here. 

La. Grace. He will be here prefently ; he is but juil 
gone in to my fitter. , 

■ Mauw So ! then my ladV dines with us. 

^is. Oraee. No ; me is engaged. 

Man. 1 hope you are not of her party, madam ? 

La. Grace', Not till after dinner* 

Mait* And pray how may (he have difpofed of the refi 
of the day? ■ 

Xa. Grace, Much as. ufual! flie has vifits 'till about 
eight; after that, till court-time, ihc is to be at quadiille, 
at Mrs. IdUls : after the drawing-room, flie takes a fliort 
fupper with my lady Moonlight. And from thence ihcy 
go together to my lord Noble's ailembly. 

Man. And are you to do all this with her, madam ? 

La, Grace. Only a few of the vifits : I would indeed 
have drawn her to the play ; but I doubt we have fo much 
upon our hands, that will not be practicable^ 

Man, But how can you forbear all the reft of it ? 

La. Grace, There's no great merit in forbearing what 
one is not charm 'd witb. 

Man. 



40 •rifE'?>ftO'VX)EBD^HraSSA3N::t}b •r, 

Man. And' Jrtt'I ha?^fo*wt that very 'diflicul^ itk^my 

.time. ' . •- J -..:/. /' .. 

, La. Grace. How do you irietti ? 

Man. Why, 1 bare pafs'd a great deal of my Ufb in the 
hurry of the ladies, though I was generally better pI^M 
wnen f wa» at quiet without 'ero. 
; La. Grace, W kat ilidiiced yo\i^ -then, to be with them^ 

JHEw. Meoef^, anfl the faibio», ' ' 

Z.tf. Gr^r^. No miflreires in the cafe"? 

J>&;f.Ta rpdak honefely — yes-T-Beittg often m the fcy- 
ilipp, there was no forbearing the bawbles, . . - , , 

La. Grace. And of. courfe, I foppofe^ fometimes you 
we^-e tempted to pay for them twice as much as they wfere 
worth. Nay, I fpeak only from my little experietxce : 
for (111 be ffee with you,' Mr. Manly) I donVlttiow a mkn 
in the world, that, in appearance, might bettlerptietend to 
a woman of the firft merit than yourfef; and yet I have 
a.reafon, in my hand here, ta think yeu-have ypur 
failings. . ' ■ 

Man. I have infinite, madam ; but I am furc,. the .want 
^f an implicit refpcdt for you, is not among the number 
•4-— Prny^, wlla^is in your handj madam ? 

La. Grace. Nay, lir, 1 have no. title to it ; for the 
llire6Vroh » to you. '{dkjes kiytalttHr* 

Man. To me ! 1 don't remember the-hatid . » * 1 - ^ * " . 

^^Readi hii^tif. 

La. Grace. I can't perceive any changeot guik'nl hriin ! 
and his furprize feems natural ! [AJuie'\ ■ ■ Give me 
l^ave to tell you one thing by the way, Mr, Manly ; that 
1 Ihould never have lliewn you this, but that my brother 
cnjoyn'd.me tp it. » . . , ..' * 

Man. I take that to proceed front mylbrd*^ gftbd-o^i- 
nioAof me, madanir ''■'■/.;. 

La. Grace. I hope, at Uaft, it will'^and as.ahexcufe 
for my taking this liberty. ' ' 

^Un. I never yet faw you do any thing, madam, that 
wanted an excufc ; and, I hope', you will not give me an 
iS fiance to ihe contrary, by refafiug the favour. I iam going 
tt) aflc you. . ■ ' 

La. Grace. I doh*t believe I (haU refufe aiiy, that you 
think' proper to a fk. 

' Man^ Onfythis', madatti V toi indulge me fo far as to 
let me know how this letter came intb your hands. 

La. Grac€% 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 41 

La. Gractn loclofed to me in this, without a name. 

Mam, If there be oo I'crct in the concents, madam 

La, Grace. Why— there is an impcninent iudnuatioA 
in it ; hut as I kno«v your goud fenfc will think it fo too, 
I will venture to truft you. 

Man. You oblige me, madam. 

[He takci the ether ktirr^ aoA uadn 

La. Grace, [yffiJe.] Now am I in the oddcft (ituation I 
methinks our converfation grows terribly critic;\l! Thi# 
m'lii proiiuce fomething :—— O lud, tvould it were 
over ! 

Afaa. Now, madam, I begin to have fome light into 
the poor project that is at the bottom of all this. 

La. Grace. I have no notion of what could be propofed 
by it. 

Man, A little patience, madam— -Firfl, at to the in* 
iinuation you mention 

La. Grace, O ! what is he going to fay now ! [^JSft 

Mat. Tho' my intimacy with my lord may have allow'd 
my vifits to have been very frequent here of late ; yet, in 
fuch a talking town as this, you mud not wonder, if a 
great many of thofe viiits are placed to your account : and 
this taken for granted, I fuppofe, has been tod tu my lad^ 
Wronghead, as a piece of news, iince her arrival, not 
improbably without many more imaginary circuaiAauccs* 

JLa. Grace. My lady Wronghead I 

Afaa. Ay, madam, for I am politive thi is her hand. 

La. Grace. What view could (he have in writing it ? 

Man. To interrupt any treaty of mair'-cT (lie may have 
heard I am engnged in } becaufe if I die without heirt* 
her family expeds that fome part of my c)\.ic may return 
to them again. But, I hope, fl^e is fo far midukcny thajt 
if this letter has given you the leart uncalincfs— -*•! {hall 
think that the happied moment of Tny lite. 

La. Grace, That docs not carry your ufual complaifance^ 
Mr. Manly. 

Maa. Yes, madam, becaufe I nm fure I can convince 
you of my innocence. 

La. Grace. I am fure I have no right to enquire into if. 

MaJt. Suppofc you may nor, madam ; yet you may very 
innocently lave fo much curiofity. 

La. Grace. With wh^t an artful gcntlenefs he deals into 
my opinion ! l^ytde."} Well, fir, 1 won't pretend to have 

fo 



41 THE PROVOKED HUSBAND; Or, 
fo little of the w»man in me as to want curiofity— ^But 
pray, do you fuppofe, then, this Myrtilla is a real or 
a fiditioiii name ? 

Man. Now I recolIe6^| madam, there is a young woman 
in the houfe where my lady Wronghead lodges, that I 
heard fome( ody called Myrtilla : this letter may be written 
by her-— but how it came directed to me, 1 confefs is a 
myftery ; that before I ever prefume to fee your ladyihip 
again, I think my felf obliged, in honour, to find out. 

La, Grac€* Mr. Manly- you are not going ? 
- Man. 'Tis but to the next ilreet, madam^; I (hall be 
back in ten minutes, ' 

La. Grace. Nay ! but dinner's juft coming up. 

Man. Madam, I can neither eat nor refi till I fee an end 
of this aflfair ! 

La. Grace, Hut this is fo odd! why fliould any filly ^ 
curiofity of mine drive you away ? 

Man. Since you won't fufifer it to be yours, madism^ 
then it fhall be only to fatisfy my own curiofity 

[E;rf/ Manly, 

La. Graer. Well— and now, what am 1 to think of 
all this ? Or, fuppofe an indifferent perfon had heard 
every word y\t have faid to one another, what would they 
have thought on't ? Would it have been very abfard to 
conclude, he is ferioufly inclined to pafs the reft of hit 

life «ith me ? 1 hope not for 1 am furc, the cafe 

is terribly clear on my fide ! 

Efttir Mrs. Trufty. 
Well, Mrs. Trufty, is my fi^er dreft vet ? 

Trujly. Yes, madam ; but my lord has been courting 
her fo, I think, 'till they are both out of humour, 

Xif, Grace. How fo ? 

Trufty, Why, it bep^iin, madam, with his lord(hip*t 
defiring her lariyfliip to dine at ho.ne to day— *upon which- 
my lady faid (lie could not be ready ; upon that, my lord 
order'd them to llay the dinner, ; nd then my lady ordcrM 
the coach \ then my lo.d took her (liort, and fair^, he had 
order'd the coachman to fet up : then my lady made htm a 
great curtefy, and faid, flie \fOuld wait 'till his lordfhip*s 
hurfes had dined, and was mighty pleafant : but for fear 
of the worll, madam, (he whifpcr'd me to get her 

ch^ir ready. [Exit Trufty. 

Xrtf. Grccf. 



A JOURNEY TO LONDO*. 48 

La. GraciB Oh ! here they come ; and, by their lookit 
fbem a little unfit for companv. [Exit Lady Grace. 

Etiter Lady Townly, Lord Townly /olkrwimg. 

JLam Tovm, Well ! look you, my lord ; I can bear it no 
longer ! nothing fHll but about my faultSi my faults I an 
agreeable fubje3 truly ! 

Lm 7#ii;/r« Why, madam, if you won't hear of them | 
how can I erer hope to fee you mend them f 

La, Town. Why, I doii*t intend to mend them 

I can't mend them y ou know I have tried to do it 
an hundred times, and—— >it huns me fo-^— I can't bear 
it ! 

Z. Town. And I, madam, can't bear this daily licen* 
tious abufe of your time and charadVer. 

La. Town. Abufe ! afloniihing ! when the univerfe 
knows, I am never better company, than when I am doing 
what I have a mind to! But to fee this world ! that men 
can never get over that filly fpirit of contradi<ftion ■ 
why but laft Thurfday now — — there you wifely amended 
one of my faults, as you call them -—you infifted 

upon my not going to the mafqucrade— — nnd pray, 
what was the confequence ! was not I as crofs as the Devil, 
fell the night after ? was not I forced to get company at 
home ? and was it not almoll three o-clock in the morning 
before I was able to come to myfelf again ? and then the 

fault is not mended neither for next time, I fliall only 

have C«¥ice the inclination to go : fo that all this mending, 
and mending, you fee, is but darning an old ruffle, to 
make it wor(e than it was before. 

L. Town. Well, the manner of women's living, of late^ 

II infupportable ; and, one way or other ■ 

JLom Town* It*s to be mended, I fuppofe ! why fo it 
may; but then, my dear lord, you muil give one time 
and when things are at woril, you know, they may 
mend themfelves ! ha ! ha ! 

£. lown. Madam, I am not in a humour, now, to 
trifle. 

La. Toi\3H. Why then, my lord, one word of fair ar- 
gument—to talk with you, your own way now— You 
complain of my late hours, and 1 of your early ones— 
fo far are we even, you'll allow— but pray which gives 
US the beft figure, m the eye of the polite world ? my 
a^ve, fpirited three in the morning, or your dull, drowfy 

eleven 



44 TH6 PXQVpItE^D tiU;^BAN9| Qi:, 

of cj^aliQr, ^ni t'oither of a plodding macbantc, t^^ goes 
to bed hetiaPies^ t^^i b^- naay rife e^^rl^yt^ opqi Inf fliop ! 
•— fif*ughi ^ . ; 

• L. -|r4»%*»«( fy» ^n iTvui^ainl is this your way of rca« 
foning ? 'tis time to wake you ttien--— ^*Tia" not your il\ 
h^iU^fll atefie^-tliatid^prl) we, b^ as pften th^ ill company » 
that occafion tbofe 'i\\ bouts* . . i 

La* 7>^it. Sure } don't Wfid^ik^pd ygi^, npw^ my lord ; 

fibat ill fpmpany do } keep i . , 

7 X^* 74riu//f Wby, at, beil, fvomcu tbat lofe their mQiiey,( 
and men that «vin it 1 or, perhaps, men that are volun- 
tary bful^es at one game, in hopes a lady vcill give them 
fair play at another. Then that unavoidable mixture with 
kna»n rakes, cc^nceal'd thieves, and iharpers in em* 
broidery ■■ ; ■■■ or what, to me, is ftill more fliockingj 
ljba4: herd of familiar^ chaUeiiag, crop ear'd coxcomb^^ 
who ar£ fo often like monkeys, there would be no knowing 
tjbem afunder, but that their tails hang ^onu tbfsif hei^«» 
9nd the monlu:y'a grows wheire it fliouldt do« 

La* Tfiwn. And a hufbaiid mufb give eminent prqctfof 
bis ien(e« that thinks their powder-pufik dangerous 1 

Ju* Town* Their being fools, madani, is not alwaya tfaf 
buftapd's fecurity : or i£ it werev £ortune, ibmctifivc^ 
gi^es. them advantages might loake a thinking w^ti^iOV 
tremble. • , 

, La. Tqwm* What do you oacan B 

L, Toipnm That women^ fometimes, lofe more thaa th/tji 
are able to pay ; and if a creditor be a little pre0iii^ tl]^ 
Ifidy njay be reduced to try if, inftead of gold,, the' ]g?i^le-. 
man will accept of a trinket. ,: 

'X*. "Town. My lord, you grow fcurrilous ; you'U tripke 
ne bate you. 1*11 have you to .know, I keep c/impany 
with the politeil people^ in town, and the aifemblics. I fie- 
quent arc full of fuch. . . •.•.:':• 

L, Jtfwn* So are the thurches— i — now and t:hcn,. 

La, T(n\)tt. My friends frequent them too, as well a^ th^ 
aiTentblics. 

L, To^.vn. Yes, and would do it oftener, if a groom of 
the chambers there were allow'd to fumifli cards to tha 
company. 

La. Tawtt, I fee what you drive at all this while ; you 
would lay an imputacipn on iny,fame| to cover youj owa 

avarice' ! 



A JOUAKEY Td LONDON. 4. 

avarice ! I liiight take any pteafuref^ I find, that were 
not cspwifivtf. 

L. Town. Have a care, tnadan^ ; don^ let me thinki 
you only value your chaftityy to make me reproachakle 
ftj: Adt indulging you in errry tbing elfe that*t Ticiou^— 
I, mmdaniy bave a reputation too, to guard, that*f d^r ny 
me, as yours .——The follies of an ungorern'd wtfc may^ 
itiake the T^ifell man uneafy : but 'tis his ovrn fault, if ever 
tbfey makfe him cohtfcmpttblc. 

L.a. Tcfivn, My* lord — you would make a woman mad ! ' 

L. Town. TouM make a man a fool. 

T^a. Town. If heaven has made you othcrwiff, that won't 
Ic iii my pow^r. 

•L. T^wn. Whatever may be in your indlinntion, madam, 
ril prevent your making me a beggar, at leafl. 

La. Town, A beggar! Croefus ! I'm out of patience I— 
I won't come home till fourto-n\orrow morning. 

i. Tpwtt. That may be, madam ; but Til order the 
doors to be lock'd at twelve: 

La. Town. Thcii I won't come honfe *till to-rtiorniw' 
night, 

X. Town, Then, ra&dam;— you fhdll never come home 
again. [E*r/ Lord Town ly. 

La. Town. What does he mean ! I rtcver heard fuch a 
word from him in rty life before ! the man always ufed to 
have marfncrs, ih his word humours ! there's fomething, 
thai IdohVfee, at the bottom of all this— but his' 
head's always upon folne inipraflicable fchcme or other, 
fo I won't trouble mine any longer about him.— Mr. Man- 
ly, your fervaht. 

Enfef Manly. 

Man. I -riik pardon for my intruiion, madam ; but I 
hope my* bull nefs with ihy lord will eicufe it, 

Ljf. Town, i believe you will find him in the next room^ 
fir.. \ 

Man. Will you give me leave, madam ? 

La. Towff. Sir. — ^you have my leave, tho' you were a 
lady. 

Man. [Jfide.} What a well-bred age do we live in ! 

[£;r// Manly. 
EW'.-r L:iHy Grace. 

La. Town. O ! my dear lady Grace ! how could you 
leave me fo unmercifully alone all this while ? 

^M, Grace. 



46 THE PROVOKED HUSBANDj Or, 

La. Grace* I thought my lord had been with yfHi. . 

La, fewn. Why yes— and therefore I wanted' your 
relief; for he has been in fuch a fluiler here-— — 

La. Grace. Blefs me ! for what ? 

Zsa. To*wm. Only our ufual breakfaft i we hare each of 
us had our difli of*^ matrimonial comfort this morning ! wft' 
ha^e been charming company ! 

La. Grace. I. am mighty glad of it ! fure it muft be • 
▼aft happinefs, when a man and a wife can give themfelrcs 
the fame turn of converfation ! 

I^. Town. O ! the prettipft thing in the world ! 

La. Grace. No«v I fliould be afraid, that where twm 
people are every day together fo, they muft often be in 
want of fomething to talk upon. 

La. Town. O, my dear, you are the moft miftakeii ia 
the world ! married people have things to talk of, child, 
that never enter into the imagiuacion of others why, 

here's my lord and I, now, we have not been married 
above tv^o (liort years, you know, and we have already 
eight or ten things conftantly in bank, that, whenever w€ 
want company, we can take up any one of them for two 
hours together, and the fubje6t never the flatter : nay, if 
we have- occadon for it, it will be as frcih next" day too, 
as it was the firft hour it entertainM us. 

La. Grace. Certainly, that muft be vaftly protty ! 

La* T^wn. O! there's no life like it! Why, t'other 
day, for example, when you dined abroad ; my lord, and . 
I, after a pretty cheerful tete d-tete meal, fat down by. the 
fire-fide, in an eafy, indolent, pick-tooth way, for about a 
quarter of an hour, as if ae had not thought of one ano* 
ther'8 being in the room^^^at laft, ftrctchihg himfelf, anl 
yawning-— My dear, fays he — aw -you came home vciy 
late, laft night — *Twas but juft turn'd of two, fays I- 
I was a- bed —aw— by eleven, fays he— ^So you ere every 
night, fays I ■ Well, fays he, I am amazed you can 
fit up fo late— -* How can you be amazed, fays I, at a 
thing that happens fo often ? — — -u^ on which we entered 
into a converfation— ——and tho' this is a point has en- 
tertain'd us above fifty times already, we always find fo * 
many pretty new things to fay upon it, that, I believe, in 
my loul, it will laft as long as we live I 

La. Gracu 



A JOURNEY TO LON.DON. 47 

La. Grac€» But pny, in fuch fort of family dialogues 
(tho* extremely well for pafling the time) don*t there, now 
and then, enter fome little witty fort of bitremefi ? 

La. Town. O yea ! which does not do amifi at all ! A< 
fmart repartee, with a zed of recrimination at the head of 
it^ makes the prettied (herbet ! Ay* ^ ! if we did not mix a 
little of the acid with it, a matrimonial fociety would be fo- 
lufcjous, that nothing but an old liquorifh prudis would be 
able to bear it. 

La. Grace. Weil ' ■ certainly you hare the moft 
elegant tafte 

La, Town. Tho' to tell you the truth, my dear, I rather 
think we fqueezed a little too much lemon into it this 
bout; for it grew fo four at laft, that^-— '1 think— I 
almoft told him he was a fool— —and he again— —talked 
fomething oddly of ■ turning me out of doors ! 

Lam Grace. O ! have a care otthat ! 

La. Town. Nay, if he (hould, I may thank my o«n 
wife father for that — — . 

La, Grace, How fo ? . 

La. Torwn. Why when my good lord firft open'd 

his honourable trenches before me, my unaccountable papa, 
in whofe hands I then was, gave me up at difcretion ! 

La, Grace. How do you mean ? 

La. Towit. He f«id, the wives of this ao;e were ct>me to 
that pafs, that he would not detire even his ovn daughter 
(hould be trufted with pin-money ; fo that my whole train 
of feparate incliQarions are left entirely at the mercy of an 
huibai^d's odd humours. 

La. Grace, Wliy, thnt, indeed, is enough to make a 
woman of fpirit look about her ! 

Lee* Town, Nay, but to be ferious, my dear; what 
would you, really, have a woman do in my cafe ? 

Z^; Grace. Why— —if I had as fober a huiband as 
jou have, I would make myfelf the happtefb wife in tha. 
world, i y being as fober as he. 

La. Tcivn, O ! you wicked thing ! how can vou teaze 
one at this rate ? when you know he is fo very (ober, that 
(except giving me money) there is not one thing in the 
world he can do to pleafe roe! And I, at the fame tirne^ 
partly by nature, and psitly, perhaps, by keeping the heft 
company, do with my foul love almou every thing he 
(! I doat up&n afiemblies! my heart bounds, nt % 



^a THE PROVOKED MOSBAND: Or, 

ball; and at an opera*«---I expire f then I love play, to 
diftradtion \ cards, enchant me ! and dice— *put ihe out 
of my little wits ! Dear ! dear hazard ! oh ! what a flow 
of fpirtcs it gives one ! Do you never play at hazard^ 
child i 

La. Grace. Oh ! never ! I don*t think it (its wiell, upon 
ffomen : there's fomething fo mafculine, fo much the air 
of a rake, in it ! you fee how it makes the men fwear and 
curfe ! and when a woman is thrown into the fame paffion 

La. Tffjon. That's very true! one is a little put to it, . 
fbmetimesi not to toake ufe of the fame words to expr^fs 
it. 

La. Grate. Well ■■ and, upon ill luck, pray what 
i^orde are you really forced to make ufe of ? 

La* Tovtyh. Why, upon a very hard cafe, indeed, when 
a fad wrong word is riling juft to one's tongue's end, I give 
a grfeit ifulp— — — rand fwallow it. 

La. Grace. Well ' and is not that enough jco make 
you forfwear play as long as you live ? 
' Lit* ^.<nvn. O yes ! I have forfworn it. 
' La. Grace. Serioufly ? 

ta.'Tihixm, Solemnly! a thoufand times; but then one 
is conftantly forfworn. 

ta. Grace. And how can you anfwcr that ? 

La. Tfmm. My dear, what we fay, when we are lofery^ 
We look upon to be no more binding, than a lover's oath, 
of a ffrcat man's promife. But I beg pardon, child; !: 
Ihould not lead you fo far into the world ; you are a prude, 
ahd defign to live foberly. 

' La. Grace. Why, I confefs my nature and my educatipn 
do, in a good degree, incline me that way. 

La* Town. Well ! how a woman of fpirit, (for you don't 
want that, child) can dream of living foberly, is to me 
inconceivable I for you will marry, I fuppofe ! 

La. Grace. I can't tell but I may. 

La\ Town* And won't you live in town ? 

La. Grace. Half the year, I fhould like it very well. 

La. Town. My liars I and you would really lire id' 
London half the year, to be fober in it ? 

La. Grace. Why not ? 

La. Tcu^n. Why can't you as well go, and be fober, in* 
the CQuntr}' ? . ... ' i 

La. Grace. 



AJOURNEYTO LONDON.. 49 
La. Grace* So I would— —t'other half year. 
La. Town. And pray* what comfDitable (chetne of life 
would you form boW| lor your fumoicr and winter fober 

eDtertamments ? 

La. Grace, A fcheme, that I think might rery Welt 
content us. 

La. Town. O ! of all things let'g hear it. 

La. Graci. Whyi in fummer, I could pafs my leifure 
hours in riding; in reading, walking by a canal, or fitting 
at the end of it under a great tree ; in drefling, dtuing« 
chatting with an agreeable friend, perhaps hearing a little 
muficy taking a diili of tea or a gtme at cards, fobcrly ! 
Managing my family, looking into its accounts, playing 
with my children (if I had any) or in a tkoufand innocent 
amufements— foberly ! and poffiblyi by thefe means, 
I might Induce my hulband to be as fober as myfelf. ; 

La. T$wi. Well, my dear, thou art an adoniihing 
creature !, for fure fuch primitive antediluvian notions of 
life hare not been in any head thefe thouland years«>-«-« 
Under a great tree! O* my foul 'But I beg we mav 

have the fober town-fcheme too—for I am charmed witn 
the country one ! 

La. Graci. You fliall, and 1*11 try to {lick to my fobri- 
ety there too. 

La. Tovm. Well, tho* I am fure it will give me tlie 
vapours, 1 anuft hear it however. 

La. Grace. Why, then, for fear of your fainting, nia- 
dam, 1 will firft fo hr come into the falhion, that I would 
never be drefsM out of it but flill it ihould be foherly • 

For 1 can't think it any difgrace, to a woman of my private 
fortune, not to wear her lace as fine as the wedding*fuit of 
a firft duchefs. Tho' there is one extravagance I would' 
venture to come up to ! . 

La. Town. Ay now for it 

La. Grace. I would t\cry day be as clean as a bride. 

La. Town. Why, the men fay, that's a great flop to be 

made one Well now you art dreil-—— pray let's fee to 

whatpurpofe? 

La. Grace. I would vifit— that is, my real ftiehdtf^' Ikut 
as little for torm as poffible ■ ! would go to court p feme- 
times to an aflembly, nay play at quadrill e i ■ f obcrly : 
I would fee all the good plays; and, (becaufe Vis the 
fafhion) now and then an opera -—^—but I would not expire 

C t\\ett^ 



fo THE PROVOKEP HUSBAND; Or, 

there, for fear I fliould never gb^ again : and iaOly, I can't 
fay, but for curiofiiy, if 1 liked my comjwny«.-l"tn]ght be 
dnftwn in once to a roafqucrade! And~^this;'l think, it as 
fur any woman can go— foberly. 

La. Tnvti. Well ! i{ it had not been for that laft piece 
of fobriety, I was juft going to call for fome furfett- water. 

La, Grace. Why, don't you thinks with the fiarther aid 
ofbreakfaAing, dining, talung the air, fupping, ilecping^ 
flot to fay a word of dcTotion, the four-and-twenty hourt 
might roll over in a tol€r;ible manner ? 

La. TinxH. Tolerable } Deplorable ! Why, child, all 
you propofe it but to endure life, now I want to enjoy it* 
Enier Mrs. Trudy. 
Trsfy. Mitdam, your ladylhip's chair is ready. 
. ttf. Taun, Have the footmen their white fUmbeanx 
yet ? for laft night I was poifon'd. 

Trufy. Yes, flnadam ; there were fome come in thit 
xnorning. [ JB*// Trufly, 

< -L<f» Toraml My dear, you will czcufe me ; but you know 
my time is fo precious ■ ■■ 

La. Grace. That I beg I maj not hinder your leaft 
enjoyment of it. 
Latfy Town. Vou will call on me at lady Rex;cfs ? 
La. Grace. Certainly. 

La. Tfvm. But I am fo afraid it will break into your 
fcheme, my dear I 

La. Grace. When it does, I will— — ^foberly break from 
you. 

La. Town. Why then, 'till we meet agun, dear iiflert 
1 wifh you all tolemble happinefs. \^Exit Lady Town. 

La. Gratu There (he goes Dafli ! into her dream 

of pleafures ! Poor woman ! fhe is really a fine creature ! 
and fometimes infinitely agreeable ! nay, take her out of 
the madnefs of this town^ rational in her notions, and eafy 
to live with : but fhe is fo borne down by this torrent of 
vanity \\\ vogue, (he thinks efery hour of her life it loft 
that file does not lead at ^# head of it. What it will end 
iOf I tremble ta imagine! — —Ha! my brother, and Manly 
wnl bim ! I gueis what they have been talking of— I fliall 
heaixft in my turuf I fuppofei but it won't become me to 
be inquiitive. [£xi7 Lady Grace. 

Emtr 



A JOURNEY Tl) LONDON. 51 

Enter Lord Townly, mmJ Manly. 

L. TVitts* I (Sid not think raj la4y Wronghead had fuch 
a nouble brain : tho* I can*c Uv (lie vraa fo Ycry wife, in 
truftingchis 6lly gir1» you call Mynilla, with the fecret. 

Man* No, my lord, you miftake ine ; had the jrirl been 
in the fccretg perhaps 1 nad never come at it myfcu. 

L. 7ovm. Why I thought you faid the girl writ tbia 
letter to you, and that my lady Wronghead lent it inclofed 
to niv fmer ? 

MW». If you pleafe to give me leave, my lord ■ 'the 
ha is thui ■ This inclofed letter to lady Gracg was a 

real original one, written by this strl, to the Count we 
have been ulking of: the Count droi>s it, and my lady 
Wronghead finds it : then only changing the covf r, (lie 
fealsK up as a letter of bufinefv, '}m& written bf hertAtto 
me : and pretending to be in a hurry, gets thu innocent 
girl to write the dircdiion for her. 

L. Titnvn. Oh ■! then the girl did not know (be was fa* 
pcrfcribing a billet-doux of her owof to yon f 
• Msm^ sJo, ' my lord ; for when 1 firft aiie(iioaVl her 
about the dire£H(m» (lie ownM it immediately : but whea 
I (liewM her that the letter to the Count was within it, and 
told her how it came into my hands, the poor ciieature waa 
amazed, and thought herfelt betray'd boot by Che Count 
and my lady in fliort, upon this difcovery, the g^ 

and I ^jew fo gracious, that (he has let me iato (bme 
tranfa£bons, in my lady Wronghead*s finnily, which» 
with my;' having a careful eye over theqi, may prevent the 
tiiinof It. 

jt. mvti. You are rery generous, to be ib fo&cttoui 
for a lady, that has given you fo much uneafincA* 

4#4M. But 1 will be moft unmercifully r c f eog ed of her : 
for .1 SvUt do hier the greateft friendlhtp in 'ilhe iworid 4 

agatnft her will* 

. Zm Toiiur* What an uncommon philolephy arc thou maf* 
ferof! tbhudceeventhir'ipaliciitTfitaef 

Mse. Yer; hiy lord, 1 itMct ytta, dllere is no one aAion 

of viffilk glvea me more p|eafure than your apprebati^B of 

It ■ ........ 

L.1iw». ^ Um Charies ! my heart's impadenft ^Ql iliM 

ai^'neaifef t&'Me:'aiidasa pro^fhac I have long vriftV 

cbee^-^i^frhile j^oiik'' daily cbodiiiEt iuo chofai rathef to 

4ei^e than afc my (ifter*s favour ; I have been as -fiMt^ 

C a \tt&>i%xt!V3» 



ix THE PROVOKED HUSBANDi Or, 

induftrious to make her fcniible of your merit : and iincc 
An tdis occaiion you have open.d your whole heart to me, 
'tis now with equal plealiire I auure you, We have both 
fucceeded— <— ihe is as firmly yours 

Man, Impoffible ! you flatter me ! 

t. TawM. Fm gUd you think it flattery ; butfbe herfelf 
fliall prove it none : Hie dines with us alone : when the 
fervants arc withdrawn, PU open a converfation, that (hall 
cxcufe my leavinjj you together— O ! Charles ! had Ij 
like thee, been cautious in my choice, what melancholy 
hours had this heart avoided ' 

Man. No more of that, I beg, my lord . 

L» Town* But 'twill, at leaft, be fome relief to my anxiety 
(however barren of content the Aate has been tp me) to fee 
fo near a friend and Hllcr happy in it : your harmony of Jife 
will be an inflaoice how much the choice of temper is 
preferable to beaut}*. 

While your foft hours in mutual kindnefs move, 

You'll reaqlx^ by^ virtue, what I loll by love. * lUxiiint* 

I lll ^ l»ll — >■ Ill I M WII I ■■■■.■ ' ■ ■ I ■■ ,lp.^,, 

.ACT ly. SCENE Mrs. Motherly'/ Houfi. 

. Enttr iflxi* Mothtrly ,. mectmg Myrtilla* 

Math. Q 0,, i|MCe! where is' it pofGble you can have been 
i3 thefe fix hoursL ? 

Myr. O fnadam J I have fuch a terrible flory to tel} you ! 

Hffb. A ftory ! 'Ods iny life ! What have you c^nie with 
the Count's not^ of five.hundred poimds I fent yoii about ? 
is it fafe ? is it good ? is it fccurity ? ... ..... 

Jl^r, Yci, yes, it is fafe: but for its goodncfs-— ;-^^rcy 
on us ! I haye b|Beo in a fair way to be h^tng'd a|lK>ut it I 

Alofh, The dickens ! has this rogue of a Count play'4 us 
another, cri^k then ?.. - ...^ ■' \ 

H^r. You (h^iU>hefir,..fxm|in^'4 when I came to Mr^ C^fb, 
the banker's, and'^4)<^V hun.pif aq^o for five hundred 
pounds, payable to the Count, t:ir order, in two ijionths^ 
he IdokM earneftl^ upon i^, and defircd me to i^ep 
1910 the 'inner ropin, w^iife he examined .^i^ .bopjcs y ^ — 
jrfjDf r.I haJ fljud aWit tqa'im^iHtes, hf czmimjf^ V y^ 
claps to the dflpr^:«94.#«c» a.^W^ J|^'>lk.g|e, fof 
forgery. ;. t-H ; ; ,. ';? il ^n^ iu .7 t >-jx . 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 55 

Afoi/j. Ah ! poor foul ! and how didft thou get off? 

Myr. While I was ready 10 fink in this condition, I 
begg'd him to have a little patience, 'till 1 could fend for 
Mr. Manly, whom he knew to be a gentleman of worth 
and honour, and who, I was fure, would convince him, 
iFvhaiever fraud might be in the note, that I was myfrlf an 

ianocent, abufed woman and as ^ood luck would have 

it, in Icfs than half an hour Mr. Manly came— fo, with- 
out mincing the m4ttcr, 1 fairly told hioi upon wh;it defign 
the Count had lodged that note in your hands, and in fliort, 
laid open the whole fchenu: he had drawn us into to make 
our fortune. 

Mot^. The devil you did ! 

Afyr, Why how do vou think it was poflible I could nny 
otherwaysmakeMr. ^lanly my friend, to help mc out of 
the fcrape I was in ? — To conclu ie, he foon made Mr. 
Cafli eafy, and fcnt awuy the conftable ; nay farther 
promifed me, if I would trufl the note in his hands, he 
would take care it fiiould be fully paid before it was due, 
and at the fame time would give me an ample revenge upoa 
the Count ; fo that all you have to conlidcr now, madam, 
is, whether you think yourfelf fafer in the Count's hands, 
or Mr. Manly's ? 

Motif, Nay« ' nay, child ; there is no choice in the 
matter ! Mr. Manly may he a friend indeed, if any thing 
in our power can make him fo. 

A^r, Well, madam, and now prny, how fbnd matters 
at home here > What has the Count done with the ladies ? 

Moth, Wiy every thing he has a mind to do, by this 
time, I fuppofe* He is in as high favour with mifs as he 
is with my Udy.. 

Jfefi'r. Pray, where arc the ladies ? 

Mot/u Rattling abroad in their own coach, ami the well- 
bred Count along with them : they have been fcouring all 
the fliops in town over, buying fine things and new clo.ith's, 
from morning to ni^ht : thin^ havt made one voyage already, 
and have brought home fucn a cargo of bauhles and trum- 
pery— —mercy on the poor man that's to pay for them 1' 

Myr, Did not the young *fqui re go with them ? ■ 

3foth, No, no ; mifs faid, truly he would, but difgrac« 
their party : fo they even left him afleep by the kitchen 
fire. 

C j: 3fjr. 



54 THE PROVOKED HUSBAND; Or, 

Myr^ Has not the young Yquire alkcd after mc all this 
>%bile ? for I had a fort ot an affignation uith him. 

Moth. O ves ! he has been in a bitter taking about it. 
At laA his (fifappointment grew fo uneafy, that he fell a 
rrying ; fo to quiet him, 1 fent one of the maids and John 
Moody abroad with him, to fliew him—— the lions, and 
the monument. Ods me ! there he is, juft come home 
again— —you may have bufinefs with him— fo I'll even 
luin you together* [Exit* 

Enter 'Squire Richard. 
*Squ. Rich- Soah ! foah I Mrs. Myrtilla, wbeere han 
vow been all tl is day, forfooth ? 

Myr. Nay, it" you go to that, Tquirc, where have you 
been pray ? 

*iiqu. Rich. Why, when I fun* *at yow were no loikly to 
come whoam, I were ready to hong myfel— fo John Moody^ 
and I, and one o* your lafles have been " Lord knowt 

where a feeing o' foights. 

Afyr. Welly ard nray what have you feeny fir? 
*tiqu. Rich. Fkln I I cawnt telly not !■ f een 

every thing, I tl^nk. Firfi there we Went o* top o* the 
vvhat d'ye-call-it ? there, the great huge (tone poft, up the 
rawnd and rawnd fiairs, that twine and twine about, juft 
an as thof it were a cork-fcrew* 

Myr. O, the monument ! well, and was not it a fine fights 
from the top of it ? 

*£gtu Rub. Sight, roifs ! I know no' — -I faw nowght 
but fmoak and brick houfen, and ileeple tops«»— then 
there was fuch a mortal ting-tang of bells, and rumbling of 
cans and coaches, and then the folks under one look'd fo 
fmall, snd made fuch a him, and a buz, it put me in 
Blind of my mother's great glafs bee-hive, in our garden in 
the countrjr. 

Mjr* I think, mafler, you give a very good accoQot of 
k. 

*Squ. Rich. Ay ! but I did no* like it : for my head 
•^-'inr head-*-— begun to turn— fo I trundled me 
dawn (fairs aeen, like a round trencher. 

Myr. WelU liut this was not all you faw, I fuppofe } 
*Sq^ Rub. No;< ! noa! we went after that, and&wthe 
Rons ; and liked them better by haw If j they are pure 
grim devils ;' hch, hoh ! I touke a ftick, and gave one ef 

them 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. ^^ 
them fuch a poke 9*1116 noafe-**— I believe he wo lU ha' 
inapt my head offi an be could ha' got me. Udh I holi I 
hoh! 

Myr. We'l, maftery when you and I go abroadt 1*11 
0iew you prettier fighct than tUefe—— there'* amafqueride 
to-morrow. 

^^M Ri€h. Olaud! zj ! they fay that's a pure thing f&r 
merry-andrews, and cho(e fon of comic 4 mummers ■ " ■ ■ 
and the Count tells me, that there Lids and lailcs may ji? 
their tails, and eat, and drink, without grudging, ail night 

lUAjif* 

Myr. What would you fay now, if I (hould get yo« 
a ricket, and go along with you } 

'Squ. Riek. Ah dear ! 

il/>r. But have a care, Yquire, the fine ladies there are 
teiribly tempting; look well to your htfart, or Ads me ! 
they'll whip it up, in thr-trip of a minute. 

^Sfu. Rich. Ay, but they cawnt tho*— «-f ml let 'tut 
look to themfelvci, an* ony of *um falL in love with me 
— * mayhap they had as good be quiet* 

Myr. Why fare you would not rcfufiio fine lady, would 
you ? 

*Squ. RitK Ay, but I would tho* unlefs it were— one 'at 
I know of, 

Myr. Oh ! ho ! then you have left your heart in the 
country, I find ? 

*^f a. Rich. Noa, noa, my heart— «*eh'——-my heart 
n*cnt awt o*thia room. 

M^r. i am glad you have it about you, however. 

^S^ Ricom N'«<y, mayhap not foa noather i fomebody 
clfe may have it, at yow little think oK 

J4rr« 2 can*t imagine what you mean 1 

^Sqit. Rich* Noa I why doant yow know how many folks 
chcre is in this room, naw ? 

Afyr, Very fine, oMifter, 1 fee yOM have leanit the town 
gallantry already. 

*Sqm. Riek. Why doan*t you beKeve 'at I liave n fcindoeft 
fcr |ow then ? 

Myr. Fy ! fy ! mutter, how you talk f bcfide you are 
* too young to think of a wife. 

'Af »• SUch. Ay ! but I caunt help thinking o* yow, fwr 
nUchnt. 

C 4 Mfjir^ 



56 THE'PROVOKEb HUSBAND; Of, 

IMjw. How ! why fure, fir, you dofi*t pretend to think of 
xne in aidifhonourable way ? 

*Sqit. Kieh. Nay, that's as yow fee good-— *I did no* 
think ^'at yow would ha' thowght of me for a huiband, 
mayhap .; nnlefs I had medns in my own hands ; and 
fcythcr allows me but hawlf a crown a week, as yet a while* 

Mj^, Oh! when Ilike ;.ny body, Vis not want of money 
win make roe ref ufe them, 

' ^Squ. Rich, Well, that's juft my mind now ; for 'an I 
like a girl, mifs, I would take her in her fmuck. 

Myr. Ay, mafler, now you fpeak like a man of honour : 
this fhqws fomething of a true heart in you. 

*Squ. jR/V/'* Ay, and a true heait you'll find me; try 
when you will. 

Alyr. Hufli ! huili ! here's your papa come home, and 
my aunt with him. . ' ' 

*Squ. Riih. A deril rive 'em^ what do they come naw 
/far? 

Myr.'WYktn you and I get to the mafqoerade, you (hall 
fee what HI fay to you. 

^Sju. Rttb. Well, hands upon't thcn- 

Myr. There- 



'K 



^Sqm* Rfcb. One bufs, and a bargain. [I^il/i' ^•J 

Ads wauntlikins ! as foft and plump as a marrow pudding* 

* ' [Exfunt federally • 

£«/#r Sir Francis Wronghead, ancfiA-^s. Motherly. 
. Sir F^hhb What ! my wife and daughter abroad, fay 
you ? 

Motb. O dear fir, they have been mighty bufy all the 
day long : they jufl came home to fnap up a fhort dinner, 
and fo went out again. 

Sir Fran. Well, 'well, I fhan't flay fupper for 'em, I can 
tii\ 'em that : for, od's heart ! 1 have had nothing in me 
but a toaft and tankard fince morning. 
r }. Motk^ I am afraid,' fir, thefe late parliament hours won't 
agree with you. 

^\ShrfrMn. Why truly, Mrs. Motherly, they don't do 
right with us country gentlemen ; to lofe one meal out qf 
three is a hard tax vpon a good flomach. r 

Moth. It is fo, indeed, nr. 
' « "Sir From, But hawfomever, Mrs. Motherly, when we 
confider, that what wc fuffcr is for the good of out 
country i 

Moth. 



A jaVRN^ET TO LaNDOIC fj 

' M§tk. V^hv tnilyi fir, that is foniethiiig. 

Sir Fran. O ! thePB*! a great dtal to belald.fert'-« M flit 
fooA of one's country is.aboTe all things a tmc^hcartcd 
Englifhniaa thinks nothing too mucK^or it i bava 

heard of fome honed gendemea* fo Tery sealoust that far 
the good of their country ^-*they would fometimcs go tt> 
dinner at midnight*. 

« MM. O ! the goodnefs of 'em t fure their country! muft 
have a raft efteem for them ? 

Sir FroM.. So they have, Mrs. Motherly I they are lb' 
nefjpe^led when they oome home to their boroughs after a 
fcnon^ and fo beloted— — that their country will coma miA 
dine with them^ereiY day in the week. 

Mcihm Dear me!, what a fine thing 'tis to be lb po* 
pulous ! 

^f> FroM, It is a.great comfort, indeed \ and I can afliixo 
yoU| you>are a good fenfible woman, Mrs* Motherly. 

Moth*. O dear fir, your honour's pleafed to com^ 
plimenr. 

SirF^ran* No, no ; I fee you know how to value peoplo 
of confequcnce. 

Moth, Good lack ! here's company, (ir ; will vou ^tc 
me leave to get you a little fomerhing 'till the ladies come 
home, fir ? 

&> JFr«jr». Why troth,. I don't think it would be amifs. 

M^th. It ihall be done in a moment,. fir» L^f'^ 

Efttcr Manly^. 

Mn^ Sir Francis, your fervant*. 

Sir Fran. Couiin Manly ! • 

Maum I am come to fee how the family eoes on here* 

Sir Fraum Troth !^ all as bufy as bees ; 1 have been upon. 
the wing ever fiace eight o'clock this morning. 

Mam. By your early hour, then, I fuppofe you havo 
been making your court to fome of the great men* 

Sir Fran. Why, f;iith ! you hava hit^ it, fir— ^-I was. 
advifed to loTc no time : fo 1 e'en went ftrait forward, co« 
one gt'eat man I had never fcen in my life before,. 
' Man. Right ! that was doing: bufinefa: but who had. 
you got to introduce you ? ' 

Sir Fran. Whyy. nobody— -I remember'd I'had heard a. 
wife man fay— —My fon, ha bold*-— fo. troth! I intro- 
duced myfelf». ^ 
' MtBw. 4ls how, pray ? 

C S Sir»a 



|8 TOE PROVOKED HUSBAND s O^t 

- SirFnm. Why thus-i>— Look « ■ P teafe yoiii* IM> 
fluf, fayr I^ I am Sir Francis WroDgKead^ of Bumper 
Malt, Mid member of parliament for the borough of Otuwk» 
doMrn-i^— -^Sir, your humble fenrant, fays my lord | thofi 
liaTe not the honour to know jrour perfon, I hare heaid 
ymi are a very honeft gentleman, and I am [^ your Ko* 
rough has made choice of fo worthy a reprefentadTC ; and 
lb| Hij-s he. Sir Francis, have you any lenrice to coaflunand 
me ? Naw, coufin ! thofe lail words, you may be fwCf' 
gave mo no fmall encouragement. And thof 1 know, fir, 
voa have no extmordinary opinion of my parts, yet, i 
Mieve^ yon won't fay 1 mill it naw ! 

Man, Well, 1 hope I ihall have no caufe. 

Sir Frgm* So when I found him fo courteous ■ ■ My 
lord, fays I, I did not think to ha' troubled your lordfiup 
with bunnefs upon my firft vifit; but fince your lordihip 
IS plcafed not to fland upon ceremony<— — why truly, fays 
ly I think naw is as good as another time. 

Man. Right ! there you pulh'd him home* 

Sir trmn* kjy ay, I had a mind to let him fee that 1 
was none of your mealy -mouth'd ones, 

Man. Very good ! 

Sir Trtm* So, in ibort, mv lord, fays I, Lhave a good 
eftate*— ^but— — a ■■ it^s a leetlc awt at elbows; and 
as I defire to ferve my king, as well as my country, I ihall 
be very willing to accept of a place at court. 

Man. So, this was making (hon work on't. 

Sir Frann I 'cod ! 1 (hot him flying, coulin : fome of 
your hawlf-witted ones naw, would ha' humm'd andhaw'd, 
and dangled a month or two after him, before they durfl 
•pen their mouths about a place, and mayhap, not ha' got 
it at laft neither 

Man. Oh ! I'm glad you're fo fure on*t. 

S'ft Fram* You (hall hear, coufin^ ■ ■ Sir Francis, fays 
my lord, pfay what fort of a place may you ha* tum'd your 
thowghis upon ^ My lord, fays I, o^gars muft not be 
chufers ; but ony place, fays I, about a thoufand a year, 
will be well enough to be doing with 'till fomeching better 
fgll, in — for I thoweht it would not look well to fiond 
haggling with him at firfi. 

AfSm. No, no, your bulineG was to get footing any 

way. 

Sir FrOMm 



A JOVRNEY TO LONDOHF. jf 

. Sir Fran. Right ! diere't it ! ah coiifin, I fee you know 
the world ! 

iUSnr. Yei, yes, one feet more of it ercry dfty««»Wcll1 
but what find my lord to all this } 

' Sir Fran. Sir Francii, fays he, I Ihill be glad to (enre 
you any way that Ues in my power; fo he gave mo a 
^ fqueexc by the hood, as much as to (ay. Give yourfelfno 
troubte '1*11 do your bufinefs ; with th;it he tuniM 

him abawt to fomcbody* with a coloured ribbon acrofi 
here, that look'd in my thoughts as if he came for a place 
too. 

Man. Ha ! fo, upon thefe hopes you are to make your 
fortune ? 

Sir Fran* Why, do you think there's ony doubt of it, 
fir ? 

Man. Oh no, I have not the lead doubt about it— far 
juft as you have done, I made my fortune ten years ago. 
Sir Fran. Why, I never knew you had a place, coufin. 
Man. Nor I neither, upon my faith, coufin. But you« 
perhaps, may have better fortune : for I fuppofe, my lord 
has heard of what importance you were in the debate to- 
day—You have been fince down at the honfe, I jprefump ! 
Sir Fran. O yes ! I would not neglect the houfe for e? er 
fo much. 

Man. Well ! and pray what have they done there ? 
Sir Fran. Why, troth ! I cm't well tell you what they 
have done, but I can teli you what I did : and I think 
pretty ^vell in the main ; only I happened to make a littlr 
miftake at laft, indeed. 
Man. How was that ? 

Sir Fran. Why, they were all got there into a fort of 
a puzzling debate, about the good of the nanon*-and I 
were always for that, you know— but in (hort, the argtt^ 
ments were fo.long winded o* both fides, that waunds I \ 
did no' well underhand *um : h iwfomever I was convinced, 
and'fo refolved to vote right, acconifing to rtiy confctcnce*- 
fo, when they came to^ut the queftion, as they call it — I 
don't know haw*twas^but I doubt I cried Ay! when I 
ihould ha' cried No I 

MAn. How came that about .^ 

Sir Fran. Why, by a miftake, a| I tell you--^»^orthere 
was a good-humour'd fort of a gentleman, one Mr. Tother* 
fide I think they caUbimi that fat next me^ as foon as I htd 

C 6 ^ crird 



^ THS PROVOKED HUSBANDi Or, 
CQed, Ay ! give» me a hearty ihake by the hand ! Sir, fay 
he, you are a man of honour, and a true Englifliman ! and . 
lihouldjbe fifoud ;q be better acquainted with you-*and fo 
With that, lie takes roe by the fleeve, along with the crowd, 
into the lobby— ^fo, I knew nowght— -but odVfleih I I 
^^Jf9t p' th' wrung fide the poft^-^«-for I were told after-, 
wards, I ihould have fiud where 1 was. 
l^MoM* And fo,' if you had not quite made your fortune 
Imorei 3^u have clenched it now ! — Ah i thou head of the 
WroDghcads ! IJjSiic. 

6/r Fran, Odfo ! here's my lady come home at lair — I 
hppc, coufin, you will be fo kind as to take a family 
fupper with us r 

M$n. Another time, Sir Frandf ; but to-night I am 
enc * 



,arur Lady Wronghead, Mifs Jenny, and Count Baflet. 

La, Wr§ng* Coufin ! your (errant ; I hope you will 
par^jBD my rudenefs : but we hare really been in fuch a 
cQutpual hurry here, that we have not had a Icifure 
ihoj;nent to return your lailvifit. 

Idmi9* d madam ! I am a man of no ceremony ; you fee 
That has not hindered my coming again. 

t^, I^yroMgn You are infinitely obliging : but I'll redeem 
my credit with you. 

Alan. At your own time, madam. 

(\. fiaf. I mud fay that for Mr. Manly, madam ; if 
n5ifkiog people eafy is the rule of good-breeding, he is 
cefffualy the beft-bred man in the world. 

Man. Sob ! I am not to drop my acquainunce, I find 
-— *I am afraid, fir, 1 (hall grow v^in upon your good 
opinioa. 

C. Raf* I don't know that, fir ; but I am fure, what 
ypu are pleafed to f«iy, makes me fo. 
*' ACinr. The mod impudent raoJcfly that ever I met with ! 
i. [AM. 

! La, IfroH^, Lard ! how ready his wit is ! \^Jidt. 

\ $ir FroM, Don't you think, fir, the Count's a"^ 
very ^fioe gentleman ? 

Man, O ! among the ladies, certainly ; 

^i> Fran. And yet he's as (lout as a lion i I j 
waund,. he'll ftorm any thing. ( ^f^' 

~ Man. Will he fo ? Why then, fir, uke care I 
of your citadel. | 

\: Sir Frsn. Ah ! you're a wag, coufin. J 



1 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 6t 

Maa* I hope, ladies, the tovi;n air coniinuet to agree 
with you ? 

^ftnsf* O I perfedly well, fir ! We have been abroad in 
our new coach all day long— and we have bought an ocean 
of fine tUnga. And to-morrow we go to the mafquerade I 
and OD Fri£y to the play ! and on S aurday to the opera I 
and on Sunday we are to be at the what d*ye-call-it— 
ailemblv, and (ee the ladies plav at quadrille, and picquet, 
and omorep and hazard, and baflet ! And on Monday we 
are to fee the king ! and fo on Tuefday 

La, H^rong. Hold, hold, mifs ! you mud not let your 
tongue run fo faft^ child— ^you forget ! you know I 
brought you hither to learn modefty. 

Ma*. Yea, yes ! and (he b improved with a yen- 
geance [jf/Ut. 

Jtnnj* Lawrd ! mama, I am fure 1,. did not fay any 
harm ! and if one muftnotfpeak in one's' turn, one may be 
kept under as long as one lives, for ought I fee* 
. La. f^roi^. C my confciencCf this girl grows fo head* 
flrong— 

Sir Fran. Ay, ay, there's your fine groM-ing. fpirit for 
you ! Now tack it dawn an' you can. 

yenuy. All I faid, papa, was only to entertain my coufin 
Manly. 

Man. My pretty dear, I am mightily obliged to you. 

yenny. Look you' there now, madam. 

La. IVroHg. Hold your tongue, I fay. 

Jenny, [turning away and toutiag,'] 1 declare it, I won't 
bear it : fhe is always a fnuobing me before you, fir !-— 
I know why (he does it, well enough — 

[AJiJe to the Count. 

C. Ba/l Hu(h ! hufh, my dear ! don't be uncafy atthat ! 
(he'll fufped us. [Afid^. 

Jcwiy^ Let her fufpe^, what do I care - I don't know 
but I have as much reafon to fufpe^t as (he — tho' pechaps 
I'm not fo fraid of her. 

C. Baf. [4fide.\ Tgad, if I don't keep a tight hand on 
my tit, here, flie^t run away with my project before I can 
brmg it to bear. 

Isa. Wrong. \Afi£te\ Perpctualty hanging upon him ! 
The young harlot is certainly in love with bim : but I mu(l 
not let them fee I think fo-*and yet I can'i bear it.-*Upon 

my 



^t 



6> THI PROVOKED HUSBANDi Or» 
my life. Count, you% fpml that fonraid girf-«you i 
not eocouracc her fo. 

C. Baf. Pankm me, mtdam, I wai only adTifing her lo 
ob&nre what your ladyfhip fiU to her. 

Mm. Yei, truly hler merfatioos have been iomcilnng 
particular, [4^«« 

C J?«/I In one word, madam, ihehaanjealoufyo^ 
ToAr ladyfljp, and I am forced to enoonrage her, to 
blind it : 'twill be better to take np notice oif her he* 
havicHir to ne. 

La. tyrmMt. Tou are right, I will be more cautioui. 

C Baf. T<Mborrow, at the mafquerade, we may 
lofe her* 

La. H^TMg. We ihall be obfervcd. PU fend you a 
note, and fettle that tiflfair "go on with the girl^ 
and don't mind me. / 

C. Baf. I have been taMng your part, my little angel* 

La. IVr9ng. Jenny! come hither, child you muft 

not be fo nafly, my dea r ■ I only adWfe you for 

your good. 

Jtnnf. Yet, mama ; but when I am told of a thing 
before company, it always makes me worfe, you know. 

Man. If I have any fiuU in the fair fex, mifs, and her 

mama, have only quarreled, becaufe they are both of a 

mind. This facetious Count fecins to have made a Tcry 

genteel ilep into the family. \^AJule.. 

Enttr Myrtilla. Manly talks apart with hr. 

La. Wrvng, Well, Sir Francis, and' what news have you^ 
brought us, from Weflminfter, to-day ? 

Sir Fran. News, madam ? I'cod ! 1 have fomc— and 
fuch as does not come every day, 1 can tell you— —An 
word in your car ' 1 have ^ot a promifc of a place at 
court of a thoufand pawnds a year, already. 

La. JVrong, Have you fo, nr ? And pray who may you 
thank for it ? Now ! umbo's in the right ? Is not this 
better, than throwing fo much away, after as linking pack 
of foz-houndi, in the country ? Now your family may be 
the better for it ! 

Sir Fran. Nay !* that's what perfuaded me to come up, 
my dove. 

La. IVrong. Mighty well "Comci ■ let me have 

another hundred pounds then. 

A> FtaM% 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. C» 

ihr Firmm. Another! child? Wauadt! jou hifc had 
«■• bundled thai moniiag, pnj what's become ol thai* 
ny dear? 

UuWrwig. What*! become of it? why 111 ftar foo^ 
My love t-»JctiDy ! bare you the billi about you i 

J^MMy. Yet, naina. 

Ia JPVajr* Wbat'i become of it ? why Uid ont^ my 
dear, with wy awre to it, diac 1 wai ibrod t» bomv of 
the Ooant here. 

y^m^. Yet, indeed, papa, and that would hardly do 
■either ■ ■■ Them's the acoonnt. 

StrFrmm [mrmiag cwr lAr ^iiU.} Lei*s lee! let's feet 
what the devU have we got here ? 

iMaa* Then you hsTC foanded your aunt, you (ay," 
and Ae readily comes into all I propofed lo you ? 

Af]fr. ^r, rU anfarer, with my life, ttm h OM* 
chanlkliilly yours in every article : ihe nnghtily defires . -^ 
CO fee you, fir, ^ - 

Mnr. I am going home, direftly : bring her to my 
houfe in half an hour; and if (he makes good what 
you tell roe, jfou fh^ll both find your account in it* 

Mfr» Sir, (lie fliall not £sil you. 

Sir Ttmm. OdVKfe ! madam, here's nothing but toys 
and trinkets, and fans, and dock-Aockingt, by whoIcfiile« 

Lm. Wr(mf. Theie's nothing but what's proper, and 
for your credit, Sir Francis ■ Nay, you fee, I am fo 

good a houfewife, that in necefiries for myfelf, I have 
fearce laid out a IhiUiag. 

Sir Fran. No, by my troth, fo it feeros ; for the devil 
•' one thing's here, that I can fbe you have any occafion 
for! 

^ t«. Wt4mg. My dear \ do you think I came hither to 
live out of the fa(hion ? why the grcateft difiin£Hon of a 
fine lady in this town is in the variety of pretty things that 
(he has no oocafion for. 

Jmmf. Sure, papa, could you imagine, that women of 
^ality wanted nothing but (lays and pettkoats ? 

La. tVritw. Now, that is fo like him ! 

Mmn, So ! the family comes on finely. \AJidt. 

£*«. l¥tw%» Lard ! if men were always to govern, what 
dowdies would they reduce tfadr wives to ? 

SirFfOMn 



64 THE PJLOVOKED HUSBANIT: Qr^ 

Sir Frmm. An hundred pouadf in the morningy and wtnt 
another afoK ntght 1 Waunds and fire:! the lord Mayw 
of London could not hold it at this rate I 
. Jllaa. O ! do you feel it» fir !? * [Jfide. 

La. H^ratig. My dear, yon fecm uneafy : let 'me hare 
the hundred pounds, and compofe your felf* . "" ' 

Sir Fran, Compofe the ac^il, madam! why do you 
confider what a .hundred pounds a day come» to in a year i 

La. fFrong. My life, if I account with, you from -one 
day fo another, that*"* realLv aU that my. head is. able to 
bear at a time But I'll tell you what I confid«r«!-r— v- 

I confider, -that my .advice ha» got you- a thoiHand pounda 
a year this mommg ' ■ ■ Thai» now, me^inks you 

might confider, fir*. 

Sir Fran. A thoufand a year ! Waunds,. madam,, but* t 
have not touch'd a penny of it yet ! 

Mam. Nor nevev will, I'll aniker for hinw [Afidih^ 

Enter ^Squirt S^c\i^xd. 

'Squ.Rich* Feather, and-yeu. doan'tcbraeq^ickly^ the 
meat wUlbe coalM ; an I'd fain pick a.bic with you* 

La. if rang. Blefs me, Sir Francis ! you are not going* 
to fup by yourfelf f 

Sir Fran. Vof but I'm going to. dine by iiiyfelf,.and 
that's pretty near the*mattei%. madam*. 

la. ifrcng. Had not you as good ftay a little,, my 
deas ^ we iliall all eat inhalf a hour;, and I was thinking 
to aik my coufin Manly to take a family morfel with us. 

Sir Fran. Nay, for my coufin's good company, I> don't- 
care if 1 ride a day's journey^ without butingi 
. Man, By no means, Sir Francis:.! am going upon a 
little bufinefs. 

Sir Fran. WeU, fin, I know- you don't love corapii- 
meats* 

Man^ You'll- excufe me^ madam ■■ m 

La. fVrottg. Since you have bufinefs, fir««— • 

[J«»'iManly» 
Enter Mrs. Motherly*. '« 

O, Mlrs».Mo&erly ! you were fiiying this morning, you 
had fome very fine lace to (how me— —can't Ffee it now ? 

[Sir Frands fiarer^ 

Moth. Why, Bcallyi^ madam, L had made a fort of a. 
promife, to let the covrbtefs of Nicely have the firft fight 
of it, for the birtl^-day ; but your ladyihip 

La% Wrong., 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 6j 

La. tVvdtig. O ! I die, if I don*t fee it before her* 

*Squ> Rich, Woan*t you goa, fcythcr ? "I 

Sir Fran. Waunds ! i.d, 1 fhall ha' noa fio- > Jf^rf. 
mach at this rate! ' J ' 

Motb. Well, madam, though I fay it, 'tis the fwceteft 
pattern that ever came orer— — and for fincnefs no 

cobi^eb comes up to it ! 

Sir Fran. Ods guts and ^zzard, madam ! Lace at fine 
as a cobweb ! why, what the devil *s that to coft now ? 

M.th. Nay, \i Sir Francis does not like of it, ma* 
dam 

Im* Wrong. He like it ! Dear Mrs. Motherly, he is not 
to wear it. 

Sir Fraa. Flefli, madam, but I fuppofe I am to pay 
for it ! 

La. tFrong. No doubt on*t ! Think of your thoufand 
a year, and who got it you, go ! eat your dinner, and be 
thankful, go. {Driviiig him U ibe do9r,'\ Come, Mrs. 
Motherly. 

[Exit Lady Wronghead vtlfb Mrs. Motherly. 

Sir Fran. Very fine \ fo here I mun fiift, 'till I am 
almoft famiihM for the good of my country ; while nudam 
ts laying me out an hundred pounds a^y in hce, as fine 
as^ a cd)web, for the honour of my family If Ods-fle(h I 
things had need go well, at this rate ! 

^Squ. Rich. Nay, n^y. come feytHer. 

[Ex. Sir Francis and 'Sqinre Rkhard. 
Enter Mrs. Motherly. 

Math. Madam, my lady defires you and the Count wilt 
plcaib to come and aflift her fancy, in fome of the new 
laces. 
' C. Btf. We'll WMt upon her 

[Exit Mrs. Moth. 
' ymny. So ! I told you how it was ! you fee (he can't 
bear to leave us together. 

C Bafm No matter, my dear : you know flie has afl^'d 
me to ftay fupper : ^f^ when your papa and flie are a-bed, 
Mrs. Myrtilla will let me into the houfe again; then you 
nay flieal into her chamber, and we'll have a pretty fneaker 
of punch tdgcther. 

• Myr. Ayt*ty^ madam, you may command me any 
thing. 

fenny. Well ! that will be pure ! 

C. Ba/: 



(6 THE PROVOKED HUSBAND; Or, 
CmJMi But jfou bad bed go to her atooe, my life : it 

will loob becter if I come after you. 

y«Miy. Aft iki it will : and to-morrowi yoa know at 
' tbc mtdfaenit, ' And then f— hey ! 

* Oh ! rU hsTe a hufinnd ! ay, marry j 

* For why fhoiild 1 longer tarry, 

* For why ihtfuld 1 lon^r tarry 

* Than otMcT briik girls have done ? 
' For if I ftay 'till I grow grey, 

* They'll call me old maid, and fufty old jade p 

' . So V\\ no longer tarry ; 
^ But ril hate a huiband, ay, marry i 

* If money can buy me oi.e. 

* My mother fbe r;iyt I'm too cunning ; 
^ Apd ftill in my car» (lie is drumming, 

* And ilill in my ears Aie is drumming, 

* l*hat I fuck Tain thoughts ihould fliun t 
< My fiflers they ciy, O fy I and O fy I 

* Bui yet I can fee, they're as coming as me ; 
< So let me haTe huibanda in plenty : 

* IM rather h^Te twenty times twenty, 

* Than die an old maid undcme.* Eif* Joif't* 

Mfyr^ So fir ! am not I vtry commode to voa h 

C.Bsf. Well, child! and don't you finayour noooont 
in it ? Did not 1 tell you we might flill be of uCe to ••• 
another? 

Myr. Well, but how fiands your aSair with Mtftia the 
main? 

C. BqT' O (he's mad for the mafquerade ! it drives Uke 
a nail, we want nothing now but a par(<m, to clinch km 
Did not your aunt Uy (he could get one at a fliort 
warning ? 

Afyr, Yes, yes» my Lord Tnee^'s chaplain is her coafin 
you know; hell do your buAne(s and mine, at the faose 
.lime. 

Cm Baf. O ! it*s true I but where (hall we appoint him ? 

Myr. Why you know my lady To\i nly's hou(e is always 
qien to the mafques upon a ball^night, before they gp to 
the Hay*Market. 

Cm Bt^. Good* M^Wm 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 4; 

i/yr.^ Now the doctor propofes, we (liould all come 
thither in our htbits, and when the rooms are full, we 
may deal up into his chamber, he fays, and there « 

crack ——he'll give us all a canonical com miffion to go 
to bed together. 

C. Biif, Admirable ! Well, the devil fetch me, if I 
ihall not be h.-artily glad to fee thcc well fettled, child. 

Mjr. And may the black gentleman tuck me under hit 
arm at the fame time, if I fliould not think myfelf obliged 
to you, as long as I live. 

C Ba/^ One kifs, for old acquaintance fake— ^I' gtd 
I (liall want to be bufy again ! 

Myr. O you'll have one (Inrtly that will find you em- 
ployment. But I mull run to my 'fquire. 

C Betf. And I to the ladies ■ *fo your humble fer« 
rant, fweet Mrs. Wronghcad. 

Mpr. Yours, as in duty bound, moft noble Count 
BaiTet. [ExH Myrtilla. 

C Mtff. Why ay ! Count ! That title has been of foine 
ufe to me indeed snot that I have any more pretence to it, 
than I have to a blue ribband. Yet, I hare made a prett/ 
confiderable figure in life with it : I have loll'd in my own 
chariot, dealt at aflembliei, dined with amb^iTadors, and 
made one et ouadrille with the firft women of auaiity 
But Ttmptra muttniur ■ ■ ■ ■fince that damn'd 

fquadron at White's have left me out oi their lall fccret, 
I .am reduced to trade upon my own ftock of indudry, and 
make my left pufli upon a wife : if my card comes up right 
(which I think can't fail) I ihall once more cut a figure, 
and cock my hat in the fiice of the beft of them ! for fince 
our modem men of fortune are grown wife enough to be 
(harpers s 1 think fliarpers are ibols, that don't take up the 
airi of men of quality. [£x/r« 



ACT V. 



e» THE PROVOKED HUSBAND; Or, 

ACT V. Thi SCENE fffie/ts to a Jreffingroom* 

Lady Townly, asjuft uf^ walks to lur icikt^ 
' leaning on Mrs* Trully. 

2^r/£^y. T^ EAR madam, what (hould make your 
% 3 lady fhip fo out of order ? 

La. To-vim* How is it poffible to be wcll> where one is 
kiird for want of flecp ? * 

Trufiy. Dear me ! it was fo long before yow rung» 
madam, I was in hopes your ladyihip had been finely 
cOmpofed. 

La. Ttnvn, Compofcd I why I have lain in anhm here? 
this houfc is worfe than an inn with ten ftagc-coaches I 
What between my lord's impertinent pci^pic of bufineft ift 
a morning, and the intolerable thick ihoes of footmen at 
noon, one hai not a wink all night. 

Trmfty. Indeed, madam, it's a great pity my l«rd can't 
be perfuaded into the hours of people of ^uaUty— -« 
Though I muil f;iy that, madam, your ladylhip it certainly 
the beft matrimonial manager in town. 

La, Town. Oh ! you are quite miftaken, Trufty ! I 
manage very ill ! for, not with (Sanding all the power 1 hare, 
by never being oTer-fbnd of my lord— yet 1 want money 
infinitely oftcncr than he is willing to jjive it roe. 

Trufty. Ah ! if his Lordfhip could but be brought to play 
himfelf, madam, then he might feel what tt is to want 
money. 

La\ Town* Oh \ don't talk of it ! do you know that I 
am undone, Trufty ? 

Trufty. Mercv forbid, madam ! 

La. Town, tiroke ! ruin'd ! plundered ! » .ftripp'dy 
even to a confifcation of my laft guinea. 

Irnfty. You don't tell me fo, madam ! 

La. Town* And where to raifc ten pounds in the world 
—-what is to be done, Triifly ? 

Trufiy. Truly, I wifli I were wife enough to tell you, 
madam : but may be your ladyfhip may have a run of 
better fortune upon fomc of the good company that comes 
here to-night. 

Jsa. Tirj'n. But I have not a fingle guinea to try my 
fortune ! 

Ttmjfj. 



AJOURNEYTOLONDON. 69 

Trufiy. Hah ! that's a bad bufincfs indeed, madam*— « 
Adad ! 1 have a thought in my head, madam, if it is not 
too late— - 

Z^. T^WH, Oat with it quickly then, I befeech thee ! 

TrnJIy* Has not the lie ward fomcthing of fifty pounds, 
madam, that you left. in his hands, to pay fomebody about 
this time ? 

La. Town. O ! ay ! I had forgot— «— 'twas to— *— a— «• 
what's his filthy name ^. 

Trufty. Now I remember, madam, 'twas to Mr. Lute« 
^riligt your old mercer, that your ladyfliip turn'd ofF, 
about a year ago, becaufe he would trull you no longer* ' 

Lam Town, The very wretch ! —if he has not paid it, 
run quickly, dear Trufty, and bid him bring it hither 
immediately ■ [ExU Trufly.] Well! fure mortal 
leoman never had fuch fortune ! five ! five, and ninC| 

agatnft poor feven for ever ! No ! after that horrid bar 

of my chance, that Lady Wronghead's fatal red fid upon 
the table, I faw it was imjfroiTible, ever, to win another 
fla ke Sit up all night ! , lofc all one's money ! dream of 
winniffg thoufands ! wake without a fliilling ! and then—-* 
how like « hag I look ! In fhort*— ^— the plcafures of life 
are not wpnh this difordcr ! If it were not for fliame now, 
I could almoft think lady Grw(^e*ft fober fcheme not quite fo 
ridiculous-*— -If my wife lord could but hold his ton|;ue 
for a week^ 'tis odds but I (hould hate the town in a fort- 
night »— -But I will not be driven out of it, that's poliiire! 

[Truftyr<?/«nr;, 

frujfy, O madam ! there is no bearing it ! Mr. Lute- 
firing waa'jiill let in at the door, as I came to the (lair-foot; 
and the iteward is now adhially paying him the money in 
the hall. . 

X«. TawJi* Run to the i) air-cafe head again— ——and 
(cream to him, that i muft fpeak with him this inflant. 

' ■ ■ [Trufty runfflut^ andj^aku 
* 'Trujf^m Mr. Poundage-^— a hem ! Mr. 1 
Poundage, a word with yoii quickly ! I v.' , '^ 



PoutS. [wltbinJ] , 1*11 come to you prc- 
fcmly. * ■ 



■ ■•■1 i .1.; . 1.. 


:. 


[Trujfy 


.i.f .-. I ..■, 


• *f..H 


■ V'--: 


.nt'.'jztfi . 


' ?di'f ' 





70 THE PROVOKER HUSBAND; Of, 

Triifijf. Prcfcntly won't do, man, you muft'' 
come this minure. 

Found. I am but jufl paying a little money, 
here. ^^knthcut^ 

Trufiy* Cods my life ! paying money ? is the 
man dillra6ted ? Come here, I tell you, to ray 
lady, this moment, quick ! 

[Trufty returns. 

La. Town, Will the monftercome or no ?————— 

Tfufty. Yes, I hear him now, madam, he is hobbling up 
at faft as he can. 

!>• Town. Don't let him come in— —for he will keep 
fach a babbling about his accompta—— my brain ii not 
able to bear him. 

[Poundage t^mes io the door tvith a money -hag in bit 
hand. 

Trufy. O! it's well you are come, fir ! where'sthe fifty 
pounds > 

Pound. Whv here it is ; if you had not been in fuch 
hade, I (hou!d have paid it by this time- ■ -the man's 

now writing a receipt below for it. 

Trtifly. No matter ! my lady fays, you muft not pay 
him with that money, there is not enough, it feemi } there s 
apiftole, and a guinea, that is not good, in it— ^befides, 
there is a miilakc in the accompt too— — [^it/f/r^/s^ the hag 
from Mm.] But (he is not at leifure to examine it now \ Ic 
you muft bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-uni call another time. 

La. Torwn. What is all that noife there ? 

Pound, Why and it pleafe your ladyfliip ■ ■ 

La. Town. Pr'ythee ! don*c plague me now, but do at 
you were order'd. 

Pound* t^SLy, what your ladyiliip pleafes, madam—— 

[Exit Poundage. 

Tn^j. There they arc, madam— —[P^x^ri the money eat 
of the hag.'\ The pretty things ■ weic fo near falling into 
a naOy trad=fman*s hands, I proteft it made me tremble 
for them— I fancy your ladyfliip had as good give me 
that bad guinea, for luck's fake— Thank you, madam. 

\Taht a guinea. 

I.a. Town. Why, I did not bid you take it. 

Tmjfy. No, but your ladyfliip look'd as if you were juft 
going to bid me, and fo I was willing to tKve you the 
Croubleoffpeidiing, madam* 

la. Town. 



A JOURN£Y TO LONOOt^. ;« 

Xtf. Tnvtt. Well! thou haft defenrcd ir, and fO| for 
once——- but hark ! don't I hear the man niakin|^ a noife 
yonder } tho' I think now ivc mujr compound far a Utt&e 
of his ill humour. ■ 

Trufty. I'll li«en. 

Lm. T(WM. Pi'ytheedo. [Tn^y gnt frih ^$r. 

Trmfiy, Ay 1 thev are at it, madam— he's in a bitter 

paffion with poor Poundage— —bleff me ! I believe he'll 

beat htm-^— mercy on us ! how the wretch fwears ! 

La* TiTum. And a fobcr citizen too ! that's a fliaine ! 

Trufty. Hah ! I think all's (ileni of a fudden-— may be 

the porter hat knock'dhim down-— -I'll Hep and fee-— « 

[£xT/Trufty. 
Lm, T»wit. Thofe trades -people are the troublefomeft 
c^atures ! no words will fatisfy them ! 

[Trufty rttmfMf. 

Trufty^ O madam ? undone ! undone I My lord has 

juil bolted out uuon the man, and it hearing all hit pitiful 

flory oTcr-— ifyour ladyihtp pleafet to come hither, you 

may hear him vourfclf. 

Lai Towa. No matter ; it will ccmie round prcrently ; 
I (hall have it all f ro*n my lord* without lofing a word bj 
the way, I'll warrant vou. 
Ttmfly. O lud! madam ! here's my lord juft coming in* 
Lam Tffwa* Do you get out of the way then. \£Mii 
Trufty*] I am afraid I want fpirlts ! but he will ibon gire 
'cm me* 

Enfir Lord To;*'nly- 
L* Towa* How comet it, madam, that a tradeflnan 
dares be clamorout in my houfe, for money due to him 
I from you ? 
> lui. Town* You don*t expei^t, my lord, that I (bould 

arlWer for other people't impertinence ! 
! L. Ttftvfl. I ezpe^i madam, you fliould anfwer for your 
own extr^ivagances, that are the occafion of it— I thought 
I fautd given you money three months ago, to fatisfy alt 
thefe fort of people ! 

La. TtwMm Yct| but you fee they never are to be 
fatitfied. 
I L. T^rum* Nor am I, nuidam, longer to be abufed thutf 

1^ what's become of the laft fire hundred I gare you f 
' Lam Tovm. Gone. 

I I. Tow9, Gone; what way, madam I 

La» fViu/c, 



72 TH» PROVOKED HUSBAND; Or. 

ha* TfiEiw. Half the toivn over, I bcliere, by this timr« 

I. f 07IW. 'TIS well ! I fee ruin will make no ifnpreiiion» 
'till it falU upon you. 

La* town* In ihort, my lord,, if money ia always the 
fubjc^ of our convcr(ation, I ihail mr.ke you no anfwer. 

U Twan* Madam, madam! I. will be heard, and make 
you anfwer. 

La* Town. Make me ! then I muft tell you, my lord, 
this is a Uoguage I have not been ufed to, and I won't bear 
it. 

. L. Town* Come ! come, madam, you fiiall bear a 
great, deal more, before I part with you. 

Ls. Town. My lord, if you infult me, you will have as 
much to bear on your fide, I can affure you. 

I. Town* Pooh! your fpirit grows, ridiculous «—— you. 
have neither honour, worth, or innocence to fupport it ! 

La, Town* You'll find, at leaft, I have refentment ! 
aftd do you look well to the provocation I 

L* townm After thole yp\x have given me,^ madam, 'tis 
almoft infamous to talk with you. 

. Li. Tawn* I fcorn your imputation and your menaces I ' 
Uie narrownefs of your heart's your monitor I 'tis there ! 
there, my lord, you are wounded ; you have lefs to com- 
plain of than many hufbands of an equal rank to you. 
«. JU Town* Death, madam I do you prefume upon your 
corporal merit ! that your perfon s lefs tainted than your 
mind I is it there ! there alone an honcft huiband can be 
injured ? Have you not every other vice that can debafe 
your birth, or fbiin the heart of woman ? Is not your 
health, your beauty, hufband, fortune, family diichiim'd, 
for nights confumed in not and extravagance ? The wan- 
ton does no more ; if ihe conceals her ihame, does lefs : 
and Cure the diiToluce avowed, as forely wrongs my honour 
and my quiet. 

V i^« Town*. I fee, my lord, what fort of wife might 
pi^jifevou. 

L, T(nvn* Ungrateful woman I could you hfvc feen 
yourfelf, you in yourfelf had feen her— —I am amazed 
our Icgiflature has left no precedent of a divorce for this 
more vifible injury, this adultery of the mind, as. well as 
that of the perfon I when a woman's whole heart n alie* 
natcd to pleaftires I have no iliare in, what, is't to me, 
whether a black ace or apowder'd coxcomb, bas po^ieflfam 
of it ? ' \ ' -ttf . Town* 



A J 9 U R N« Y TO I. ON DON. n 

La. T^wn, If you have not found it yet, my lord, this 
is not the way to get poffd&oa of luine, depend upon it. 
L Towtu That, madam, I have long deipair'd of; 
and fince our happinci's cannot be mutual, 'tii fie that 
w^itK our hearts our perfons too Ihould I'eparate— This 
hoiife you fleep no more in ! Though your content might 
■grofly feed upon the diAionour of a hufband, yet my de- 
sires .would ftarve upon tlie ftaturet of a wife. r 
.' '^. TVwtf. Your flyie, my lord, ia much of the fame 
.delicacy with your fentiroenu of honour. 

,L; ^9wn, Madam, madam ! this is no time for com- 
pliments*.-! have done with you. 

Ltf . TtrwH. If we had never met, my lord» I had not 
broke my heart for it ! but have a care ! I toMy not^ per* 
haps^ be fo eaGly recallM at you imagine* 

L: Tawm. Kecaird !^ Who's there! [£ji/«r a firvant.'] 

Defirc my fift^r and Mr. Manly to walk vp^ [BxiiSiiHumtt, 

La»'Joav», My lord, you may proceed at you pleaft ; 

but pray what indifcretions have I committed,' that are 

not dally pra£tiled by a hundred other women of quality ? 

L. Tmjcn* 'Tis not the number of ill wives, madam, 

that makes the patience of a hulband left contemptible : 

^aad thof abad one may be the beft man's lot, yet he'll 

inal^i a. better figure in the world* that keepa hit mtf- 

ibrtunes out of doors, than he that tamely keeps her 

.within. 

:.X^ Town, I don't know what iigitre you may make, 
Xny-lord, but I (hall have no reafon to be alhamed of mine, 
;iq whatever company I may meet you. 
... L. Torwtt. Be fparing of your fpirit, madam, you'll 
- a^ed it to &]^port you. [Enter Lady Grace, a«// Manly.] 
Aiibr. Manly, I have an a^ of friendihip to beg of yen, 
which wants more apologies than words can make for it. 
Man,, Then pray make none, my lord, that I may 
)k^ve the greater meiit in obliging you. 

L. Town. Sifter, I have the fame excufe to intreat M)f 
you too. 
La* Grace. To your requeft, I beg, my tdrd. 
X- T^owM, Thus then -—as you Ixith were prefent at 
my ilUconfidcr'd marriage, I now defire yoa eaeh Will 
be a witn|B& of my determinedfeparation.— — — -I know, 
fir, your. gooA-.natifre', and my fi&er*s^ muft beihoek'd 
4t 0^ Office^t^iRipoie on you !.But»^ as I- don*t aik your 

D iuftiH. 



74 THE PROVOKiDHUSfiAN6,-Or, 
juiliiieatioa "of mfcaufe, fo I hope you arc confciout— 
thit an ill woman cant' reproach you, if you are filent 
upon her iide. 

Man. My lord, I never thought till now it could be 
diflfcult to oblige you. 

* La* Grmcf* [A/Sde.^ Heavens ! how I tremble !* 

L. T0WH. For you, my lady Townly, I need not here 
irepeat the provocations of my parting with you— the 
world, I fear, is too well infbrm'd of them for the 

good lord, your dead father's fake, I will ftUl fu|qport 

you as his daughter—^ As the lord Townly's wife, 

you have had every thing a fond hufband could beftow, 
and (to our nnitual fiiame I fpeak it) more than happy 
Wives defi re ' ■ .But thofe indulgences mufl end ! ^ tare, 
equipage, and iplendor but ill become the vices that 
nufufe 'em««-— The decent neceflarics of life ihall be fup- 
plled--but not one anicle to luxury! Not even tkecoach 
that waits to carry you from hence, (hall you ever ufe 
■gam ! Your tender aunt, my lady Lovemore, with tears, 
this morning, has confented to receive you ; where if 
time and your condition bring you to a due refle6Hon, 
your allowance ihall be increued— -— But, if you ftili 
are laTllh of your little, or pine for paft licentious plea- 
fures, that Ihtle (hall be lefs ! nor will I call that fioul 
my fkiend) that names you in my hearing ! 

La, Grace* My heart bleeds for her ! {JJtdfm 

L. T#ii>ff. O Manly ! look there ! turn badi thy 
thoughts with me, and witnefs to my growing love! 
There was a time when I believed that ^>rm incapa'ble 
of vice, or of decay ! there I propofed the partner of an 
eafy home ! there ! I for ever hoped to find a chearful 
companion, an agreeable intimate, a faithful firiend* a 
viieful help-mate, and a tender mother^*- But oh ! hbw 
bitter now the difappointment ! 

Maa. The world is different in its fenie of happinefs : 
efiended as you are, I know you will ilill be juft. 

/.. ?#st'«. Fear me not. 

Man* This lad reproach, I fee, has ftruek her. [ji/f^r. 

i,, lovm. No, let me not (though I this moment cad 
har^m my heart for ever) let me not urge her punifli- 

flncntbqfond her crimes 1 know the world is rond of 

any talvthat feeds its appetite of fcanda! : and, as I am 
ConiSiOtn finrerities of this kind leldom hil of ianpnta- 



A JOURNEY TQ LONDON. 7$ 
r'tons too grofs to mention, I here« before you both, ac- 
quit her of the leaft fufpicion ratled agaibfi the honour of 
my bed. Therefore, when abroad her condufi mty be 
queftioned, do her fame that julUce. 

L(u TowM. O fiftcr ! [Ti/rw io La/Gracet weipinj^^ 

L. *Town. When I am fpoken of, where without fa^-our 

this action may be canvals*d, relate but half my provo- 

cationty and give me up to cenfure. L^^'^JT* 

La. r#wff» Support me ! fave me ! hide me from the 

world I [Faiis on Lady Graee*i ne. I. 

have no ihare in my refentment, therefore^ ai yoii have 
lived In friendihip with her, jrour parting^ may admit of 
gentler terma, than fuit the honour of an injured hulband* 

[Offers to go 9KK 

Mam. llnierfofiji^^.'] My lord, you muft not» lh«lt 
not leave oer thut ! One momeat'i^ ttay ean ^oyour'cagfc 
no wrong ! If looki can fpeak ^he a^iguiih ojf the hearr» 
I'll anfwer with my life there'd: fomethiny labouring in 
her mind, that would you bear the hearings might de« 
fcrvc tsu 

L. Town, Confider ! fince we no more can meet, prefs 
not my fiajring to infult her. 

La* Town. Yet fiay, mflord^-the little I would fay. 
will not deferve an infult s and undefcfved, I know your 
nature gives it not. But as youVe call'd in ffienda to 
wttnefs your refcntment» let them be equal hearers of 
my laft reply. 

L. Town. I flian*t rcfiifeyou that, madam-«»be it fo. 

La. Town. My lord, you ever have complainM I 
wanted love ; but as you kindly have allow'c) I never 
gave it to another; fo when you h.ar the ftory of my 
heart, though you may dill complain, yoii will not won- 
der at ray coldnefi . 

< La. Grace, This promifet a reverfe of temper. 

^{Aparh^ 

Man. This, my lord, you are concem'd to hear I 

L. Town. Proceed, I am attentive. 

Lam 9ewn. Before 1 was your bride, my lord, the 
4atterisijg world had talkM me into beauty, which, at 
my glafs, my youthful vanity confirmed : wild with that 
bme, I thought mankind my flaves, I triumphed over 
heartfi while all my pieafbre was their pain : yet was my * 
^ 2 ' o^ti 



?6 TH'E I^ll'b*VOKEDHUSBAND; Or. 
own To e^ualljr itfrenfible to all, that when a father's firm 
conimanos eiiioyA*d me to make choice of one, I even 
there declinea the liberty he gave, and to his own elec* 
tion yielded up.my^yo^th^— His tender circ, my lord, 
direaed him to you-^-^ Our hands were jdin*d ! but ftill 
my heart was wedded to its folly ! My only joy was pow- 
er» command, fodety, ]>rofufenef8» and to lead ia pica- 
fiu;et ! llie hufband's right to rule I thought a Tulgar 
l^w, « which only the dcformM or meanly fptrited 
•' obcy'd f* ■ I knew ho dirxn^ors but my paflions ; nd 
tnaftcr. but my will ! E\'en you, my lord, fometimet 
O'ercome by lovC| were pleafod til[ith my delights, nrr 
fhch forefaw this mud miiufc oT your indulgctiJc— -^-i- 
And, tHough I call myf<flf ungratef'il while I own it, 
pftp^ as a irath» it cannot be dented-*— that kind indul- 
cCWcchas unrioBc me! ft addfcd ftrcngth to my habitual 
nll&gs ; md in a lieirt'thiis warm in Wild untMnking 
Mfti, IV3 weMiHer if iht^i\xl€r fcnfc^ of love was loft. 

L. toivfi. O Manly ! where. has this creature's -j 
heart been buried i yjf^tv^. 

Alan* U yet recoverable - how vail a trcafiire ! J " 

La. Town. What I 'have faiJ, my lord, is not my 
cxcufe, but my coafeflion ! My errors (give 'cm» if you 
pleafe, a harder namcj caqnot be cfffendcd ? No ! What's 
m its nature wrong no words can palliate , no plea can 
alter! T^Tiat then remains in 'my condition, but reHg- 
naiion to your plcafurc ? Time only can convince )*ou of 
my future cqpdudt : therefore, *till I have liVed an ob* 

jedt of forgivencfs, 1 dare not hope for hiiVdOn" The 

penance ox a lonely contrite life were little to tho inno- 
cent; but to have dcfer\*ed this icpaiaiioh, will ttttvf 
perpetual thorns upon my pillow. 

* la* Gnur, O happy, heavenly hearing!* 

Lu. Tg-ivp. Siller, farcwel ! [K'Jfin^i '»'»'.] Vour virtue 
Deeds no warning from the fliame tKat falls on me : hut 
when you think f have attoned my foUics |iaft— — -pcr- 
fuadc yoiir injured brother to forgive them. 

/. Tcwn* No, madam ! your errors thus renounced, 
this inflant are forgotten ! So deep, fo due a feiife of 
them, has made you what my uttnoft wiihes formed, and 
all my heart has (i^hM for. ^ 

Z..I. Town. [ititniK^ to Lidj Grace.] How odioos does 
this goodnefs make me ! 

* La. Grace. 



A JOURNEY TO t ON DO N, 17 

* lui, Grace. How amtftb^e your thinking fo !' 

L. Juw/t. Long-parted friends, that pats through eufy 
voyages of lite, receive hut common gtadnefs in their 
meeting: but from 4 (hipvvreck f.ivtd, we niingle tears 
with our embraces! [Kmbtacin^ Lady Towniy. 

La. Taw/u What words ! what love! what duty can 
repay fuch obligations ? 

L. Tij\}!, Prelervc but thifr defire to pleafe, your power 
ia end eis ! 

Lii. Town. Oh!— till this moment, never did I knowy 
my lord, 1 had a heart to give yon ! 

/'. T-'Mn^ By Heaven* this yielding hand, when firft it 
g:ive you to my wilhes, ptefcnted not a trcafure m9rc 
defirable I O Manly! fiiler ! as you hive often 

(liand m my difquiet, partake of my tcUcity ! my new- 
born joy ! See here the bride of my defuei ! this may be 
eall'd my wedding day ! 

La. Graci. Siller! (tor now mechink* that name it 
dearer to my heat than ever) let me coc^rituiate the 
bappinefs that openi to you. 

Mai. Long« long, and mutual may it flow " - 

£. 71kv«i, To mike our happiuels compieati mv dear, 
join here with me to give a hand, that amply will repay 
the obligation. 

La. TiMii/r.'SifVer ! a dav like this -•- *-• ^ . 

Lm^ Graci: Admits qf .no excuie againft the general 
joy. [CriVv ^ r hpHii if> Manly ^ 

JURiir. A joy like m\x^ — ^- def|)aii;s of words to fpeak 
it. 

L. TtfTV/f. O Manly ! how the name of fricqd endeara 
the brother ! \^EmbracK'i^ him. 

Mmn. Your words, my lord* will warm me to deferve 
thenu 

La. TtrwH. Sifter, to your unerring virtue I now com* 
mit -the guidance of my future daya » 

Never the paths of plea'iii'c more to treid» 

But where your gnardcd innocence fliall lead; 

For in the married ftate, the world rouft own^ 

Divided happinefs was never known, 

To make it mutual, nature points the way : 

Let hufliaadi govera : gentle wivea obey. [Efftm^ 

D 9. SC£N& 



/« THE PROVOKED HUSBAND; Or, 

SCENE, afioihcr K»om m Lord Towoly's. 
Enter Manly and a Servant. 

^irv* Sir Francis Wronghcad, fir, defires to fpeak with 
you. 

■ Man. Dcfire him to walk in.— — [2?;r// Servant.) I 
luppofe by this time his wife worflitp begins to find, that 
the balance of his j6umey to London is on the wrong 
£dc. U*!nur Sir Francis] Sir Francis, your fervant j how 
camel by the favour of this extraordinary vifit ? 

Sir Fran, Ah 1 confin ! 

Man. Why that forrowful face, man ? 

iSr Frcn. I have no friend alive but you 

Man. I am forry for that— —but what's the matter ? 

Sir Frnn. I have play*d the fool by this journey, I fee 
now— —for my bitter wife— 

^Un. What of her ? 

Sir Fran, Js playing the devil ! 

Man. Why truly, that's a part that moft of your fine 
ladies begin with, as foon as they get to London. 

Sir Fran. If I am a living man, couiin^ (be has made 
away with above two hundred and fifty pounds fince 
yeflerday morning ! 

Man* «Hah ! I fee a good houfewife will do a great 
deal of work in a little tinoe. 

S4t Fran. Work do they call it \ Fine work indeed ! 

Man. Well ! but how do you mean, made away with 
it } Whati ihe has laid it out, may be«— but I luppolc 
you haye an account of it. 

Sir fran. Yes, yes, I have had the account indeed ; 
but I mun needs fay, it's a very forry one. 

Man. Pray let's hear. 

Sr Fran. Why, firfl, I let her have an hundred and 
fifry, to get things handfome about her, to let the world 
fee that I was fomebody ! and I thought that fnm was 
very genteel. 

Man. Indeed I think fo ; and, in the country, might 
have fcrved her a twelve-month. 

Sir Fran. Why fo it might— but here in this fne 
tawn, forfooth ! it could not ^t through foiir-and- twenty 
hours— -for, in half that time, it was all fq\iandered 
away in bauble? , and ncw^faibion'd tfumpery. 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. }9 

Man. O! for ladies in London, Sir Francit/ all thi« 
might be oecciTary. 

Sir Fran. Noa ! theerc's the plagoe on't I the devil a* 
one ufeful thing do I fee for it, but two {Mir of laced 
iliocs, and thofe Aond me in three paund three (hiHtngs ft 
pair ioo. 

Maft. Dear fir ! this is nothing ! Why we have city 
wives hercy that, while their good nian is felliug three 
penny-worth of fugar, will give you twenty pound for 
a fhort apron. 

cViV Fran. Mercy on us ! What a mortal poor de^l is a 
hufband ! 

Man. Well, but I hope you have nothing elfe to com- 
plain of ? 

Sir Fran. Ah ! would I could fay fo too but 

there*s another hundred behind yet, that goes more to 
my heart than all thai went before it. 

yiai. And how might that be difpofed of ? 

Sir Fran. Troth, 1 am almoft afliamed to tell you. 

Man. Out with it. 

Sir Fran. Why (he has been at an ailembly. 

Man. Wha|| fince I faw you ! I thought you bad all 
fupt at home lafl night ? 

Sir Fran. Why to we did— and all as merry as grigs 
I* cod ! my heart was fo open, that I tofk'd 
another hundred into her apron, to go out early thia 
morning with— —But the cloth was no fooner taken 
away, than in comes my ia4/ Townly. here (^. who 
between you and I — mum ! has had the devil to pay 
yonder—) with another rantipol dame of quality^ aud 
oyt they muft have her, they faid, to introduce her at 

my lady Noble\ aflembly forfooth a few words, you 

may be fure, made rhe bargain— fo, bawnce ! and 
sway they drive as if the devilhad got into the coach-box 

^--T-fo about four o); five in t^e morning home comes 

madam, with her eyes a foot deep in her head 

and opiypoor hundred pounds left behind her at the 

hazard table. 

Man. All loft at dice ! 

Sir Fran. Every fliiliing . among a parcel of 

pig-uil puppies, anid pale-faced, women of quality. 

P»a«i But pray. Sir Francis^ how. camie you, after you. 
fbiiiid her fb ill ao houfewife of one fum, lo fodn to truft 
hct with another. D 4 Sir Fram 



^■^^i^\\ 



to TliE PROVO'KED HUSBAND: Or, 

Sir FroTi. Why truly, I mwn fay that was partly my 
own fault : for if 1 had not been a blab of my tooguej I 
believe that laft hundred might have been favcd,. 

Man. Ho«r fo ? 

Sir Fran, Why, like an o\f I. as I was, out of good- 
will, forfooth, partly to keep her in humour, I muft 
needs tell her or the thouiand pound* a year I had juft 

,«fot the promife of 1' cod f ftie lays her claws upon 

It that moment"— *—faid it was all owing to her advice, 
and truly (he would have her fliare on't. 

Man. AVhat» before you had it yourfelf? 

Sir Fran. Why ay ! that's what I told her— — My dear, 
faid I, mayhap I mayn't receive the firft quarter on*t 
this half year. 

Man. Sir Francis, I have heard you with a great deal 
of patience, and I really feel compafGon for you. 

Sir Fran. Truly, and well you may, coudn j for I 
don^ fee that my wife's goodneCi is a bit better for 
'»ringi»g to London. 

Man. If you remember, I gave you a hint of it. 

Sir Fran. Why ay, it's tnle you did fo i ' but the devil 
himfelf could not have believed (he would Sire rid poll to 
him. 

Man. Sir, if you ftaybut a fortnight in this town, you 
wiU every day lee hundreds as fail upon the gallop aa 
Ihtis. ^'"; 

Sir Fran. Aht this Lopdon is a bsrfe place indeed— -« 
waunds, if things fhould happen to go wrong with me at 
Wedrainfter, at this late, J^ow the devil (hall I keep out 
•fJEigoal. 

Man. Why truly, there fcems to me but one way. to 
«void it. 

^fV Fran\ Ah ! would you could tell me that coufin; 

Man. Tlie way lies plain before you, fir ; l^e Umt 
road that bro\ight you hither will carry you ihfe home 
again.- 

Sir Fran. bd*s.fle(h \ coufin, what ! and leave a thou- 
fand pounds a year behind me ? ^ 

Man. Pooh ! pooh ! leave any thing behind you but 
your family, and you are a faver by it. 

Sir Fran. Ay, but confider, coufin, what a fcufvy 
ijgore fhali I make hi the country, if I come dawa with? 
awtit! * : '- . 



A JODRNEY TO LONDON. U 
Man. You will make a much more lamentable figuco 
in a goal without it. 

Sir Fran. Mayhap 'at yow have no gre^t opinion ot it 
then, coufin ? 

Man. Sir Francis, to do you the fervice of a real friend^ 
I muft fpeak very plainly to you : you don't yet fee half 
the ruin that's before you !' 
Sir Fran. Good lack ! how may yoxv mean, coufin ? 
Man, In one word, your. whole aflairi ifland thua i ■ 
111 a week, you will lole your feat at WefimiiUter : \% a 
fortnight, my lady will run you into a. goal* by keeping 
the heft company — In four-and-twenty hours, your 
^auffhter will run away with a fliarper» pecaufe Ihe hat 
not been ufed to better company : and your fon will fteaA 
into marriage with a cafi miltrefs, becanie he hat not 
heoi ufed to any company at all. 

Sir Fran. I'th' name o' goodneit why ikouUi yow think 
all thit ? 

Man. Becaufe I have proof- of it ; in ihort, I know 
fo much of their iccrets, that if all this is not prevented 
to«m^ht, it will be out of your power to do it to otonowf 
monung«'. 

Sir Fran. MS^ upon Us ! yow liighten me i 

waunds ! if what you, t«.ll me be true, I'll fluff my whole 
fiunily into a (hige-coach, and trundle them into- the 
oouniry again on Monday morning* 

Man. Stick to that, fir, and we may yet Hud a way tot* 
redeem all : in the noean tim9» place youri'elf behind thit 
fcreen, and for the truth of what I have told you, take 
the evidence of your own fenfes : bnt be lure yon keep • 
dofe 'till I give you the (ignal. 

Sir Fran. Sir, I'll warrant you— ——Ah I my- lady I 
my lady. Wronghcad ! what a bitter bufindV have you: 
4niwn me into!' 

Man. Huflt! toyourpoft*; hcre> comes one couple al« 
ready. 

[Sir Francis retirtt behind tin fireen. Ex. 3£u» 
Enter Myrtilla^ . ii'iV^ 'Squire Kichard; 
'Sfu. Rich. What ! lis this^he do6toF*8 chamber •^' 
Myr. Yes, . yet ; fpeak fofrly. > 

^Sqn. Rick. Weil, but where is he ? 
Myr. He'll be ready for ut prefcntly* but be fayt lie 
cannot do ut the good turn without withcfles : fo, . when- 
Ds the. 



t% TflE'PROVOKED HVSBM^D; Or, 

the Count and joar fifter come»' you knotv, he and you 
ipaybc fathers for one another. 

*Sfu. Riebi Well, well, tii for tat ! ay, ay, that will 
be friendly. 

Infyr* And fee ! here they come. 

Enter Count Baffet, cnd^Wxk Jenny. 

Cm Baf. So, fo, hereV your brother, and his bride^ 
before lis,' my dear* 

• T-p/wr)'.' Well, I: vow, my 'heart's at my mouth ftill ! 
— ) thou2;ht I fiiouldnerer have got rid ot mamma ! but 
while file fiood gajiittg upon the dance, I gave her the iQip ! 
•^k«'d \ do but'fecT how it beats here. 

C. iaj. O tWc pretty fJutterer \ I proteft, my dear, you 
have put mine into the fame palpitation ! 

Jtnny,' Ah \ you fay fo— — — -but Iet*8 fee nowr 
■■ ■ O |ud !' I vow it thumps purely— —— well, 
iv^ll, I fee k will do, and fo whereS the parfon ? 

C Baf. Mrs. Myrtilla, will you be fo good as tofeo 
if the dortor's ready for us ? 

M^. He only ftaid for you, fir : I'll fetch him im* 
m^iately. [Ex» Myrtilla. 

j€9urf* Pray, fir, am not I to take place of, mamma, when 
I'm a countefs ? 

• <T.Baf* No doubt on'r, my dear. 

- ■J^'^* ^^ 1"^ ' ^^^ ^^^ ^^^^ ^^^1 ^ "P ^^^"9 whefi 
flie meets me at an aflcmbly ! or }'ou and 1 in our coach 
and fix, at Hyde-Park together ! 

< C« Baf, Ay ! or when (he hears the box-keepers, at an 
ope a, call out— —The Countefs of Bafiet's ferrants, 

y<nny. Well, I fay it, that will be delicious ! And then, 
mayhap, to have a fine gentleman ^ith a flar and a what-* 
d^yccallum ribbon, lead me to my chair, with his hat 
iin4.erhis arm ail the way ! Hold up, fays the chairman ; 
and fo, fays I, My lord, your humble fervant. I fuppofe, 
madam, fays he, we fliall fee you at my lady Quadrille's ! 
Ay, ay, to be fure, my lord, fays I— So in fwops me, 
ivith my hoop ftuflfd up to my forehead ! and away they 
trot, fwing ! fwang \ with my tofiils dangling, and my 
flambeaux blazing, and— —O ! it's a charming thing to 
be a woman of quality ! 

C. Baf* Well ! *I fee that plainl}', my dear, there's 
ne*er a ducbda of 'tin all will become an equipage, like 
you. • 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 85 

y^wf . Well, well, do you find ec^uipage, and 1^1 find 

airs, F warrant you« {Si^u 

L 

•* What the' they call me country lafs* 
« I read it piainlT in my glaft, 
. « That for a duchefs I might paft : 
'« €K could I fee the day ! 
• . Would fortune but attend my call, 

* At park, at play, at ring and ball, 

* IM brave the proudefl of them all, 

• With a ftand by— -clear the way. 

II. 

< 8ttrroUndedJ)y a crowd of beaux, 

* With fmart toupees, and powder'd cloathS| 

* At rivals Til turn up my nofe'} 
« O, could 1 fee the day ! 

« V\\ dart fuch glances from theft eyet, 

* Shall make fome lord, or duke my prize | 

* And then, O ! how 1*11 tyrannize, 

« With a ftand by c l ear the way. 

in. 

* O ! then for every new delight, 

* ("or equipage and diamonds bright, 

. • * Quadrille, and plays, and balls, all night ; 

* O, could 1 fee the day ! 

* Of love and joy I'd take my fill, 
^ The tedious hours of life to kill, 

* In every thing IM have my will, 

* With a (land t^— — ^clearthe way/ 

^Squ. Rick. Troth I I think this mafquerading the 
memeft game that ever I faW in my life ! thof in my 
nund, and there were but a little wreftling, or cud^eU 
pUjTing naw, . it would help it hugely ! ■' ■■btot what »-- 
rope makes the parfon ilay fo ? 

C Ssf. Ob ! here he comes, I believe. 

D 6 JSntn 



84 THEPRpVaKBI>HVSB.A»DiQr,, 

IO0i(/l, Welly madam, pray which is tl)€ party tha^jMnts 
a fpice of my office here ? 

Myr. That's the gentleman. [Pohthg to th£ Count. 

ۥ Ba/l Hey-day ! what ! in mafquerade, dodor ? 

Conft. Dod^or }, $ir, I. believe yoii bsTe miiUken ytmr 
man : but if you are called Count Ba&t, I have a billet- 
doux in my hand for .-you, that w)l} fet you right prefeiitly. 

C. Baf. What the deviPs the mcs^iing of all fius*? 

Confi, Only my. Lord Chief Juflice^ warraot .againft 
you for forgery, fi|vi. . » 

C. Baf. Blood aad thunder ! 

CqnJ* And fo, fir, if you pleafe to pull off your fool'f 
frock there, I'll wait upon you to the next jufticfe of peace 
immediatc'ly. 

Jenny • O dear roe ! what's the matter ? ^ ITremUitig. 

C. iafn Oh ! nothing, onfy a mafcjUfitracUng ff oliq my 
dear. ; • 

'%. Rich. Ohhj^! ifthatail? • 

Sir Fran. No, fir rah ! that is not all* ' 

[Sir Francis comi^ fifty ktbimi tki *Sqm'H\ kmcks 
hin^ ikrum Vtiih ht$ cane* 

£ivlcr Manly. ; .. . 

*Squ. Ritb. 0'kwd ! OUwdi he has beat^my bnunt 
•ut ? ' 

Man. Hold, hold. Sir Frandi* have a little mercy upon 
my \oor godfon, pray fir. 

Sir Fran. Waunds> cOufin, I han't patience.. 

C. BaA Manly I nay, then I am blown to the devil. 

^S^u. Rich. O my head \ my head ! 

Entfr Lady Wronghead* 
1^. JVrong, What's the matter here gentlemen ? for 
heaven's fake J what, are you murderiog my children ? 

Co9{fi. No, ' no, madam* no muttlur I only a little 
fufpicion of felony, that's all. 

. ^> tram. [To Jtmr^'] And lor jrou, Mrs. Hot«upoat, I 
could find it in my heart to make you wear that habit «• 
long as you lire, you jade you. Da you know, hufly, 
that you wesfr withio two minutes of marrying a= pick* 
pocket ? 
C. Bqf. So, fQ» AWk Qut, I find. e^«2r. 

Jinnjf. 



f^.lQV^Kif^Y TO LONDON. 8^^ 

..^<f«4}f- 9 Ihej mercy I— why prjiy, papa, it not ihe 
Count a man of quality then, /. 

Sir Fran. Oycs! oneofthouoliang'd ones, irfe«int« 

jCh* fVrotig. X4fiiU'\ Married ! O the confident thing ! 
there was his urgent bufinefs then ■ - flighted for her ! . 
1. bam^t padencei— — -^and for ought I know, I have 
been all thia wlule ouiking a friendmipi with a fa^hwajr* 
xqan! 
. Ma9: Mr., Confiahlc^l lecure that door there. 

^ Erwa^ Ah Q^y: lady. ! mv lady • th!a comet of your 
Journey ft> London ! but now I'll luve a. frolic of my own» 
madam,; therefore pack up your trumpery this very nighty 
for the moment my horfet are able to crawl, you and yqur 
brats (halt make a journey into the country aeain. 

La* Wtongn Indeed you are miilakefl^ %\t FraDcis-^X 
fliall not ftif out of town yet, I promiie you. 

Sir Fran. Not.fiir ! Waunds ! madam— . 

JAw.'. Holds ^X^ii youMl^ve )ne leave a JUtlei«»I 
ftncy I ihall .prevail with my lady to think belter on*u 

Sir Frwu Ah ! coufin ! you are a friend indml ! 
. MaM» JJI^i '^ «)( /4^1 Look you, madam» as tg thA* 
favour you deiiniM roe,' m fending this fpurious letter in* 
dofed to my lady Grace, all the revenge J have taken, ia 
to have faved^your ion and ik|ug)itec from ruin^— i-Now if 
yoDwiU rt^ tiheoi j^rly aniTcuiietly into the coontiy^ 
agaiiv LjKilL&ve your ladyflMP ""^ rub. 

La. Wrong. What do you mean, fir ? ' i , 

iAoH. Why, Sir FraaGis«>*»— ikiali never know what » 
in this letiier ;— look upon it. How it came into my hands 
you (hall know at leifure. ,' 

La.\ Wrong. Hsi t mv billet douz to the Count I and 
an appointment in it ! I (hall fink wi^h con/ufion ! 
. ilfi^JSUiat fliaUlfa^ to Sic Francis ms^^ 
. Lf« .Wfwgf^: Dear wri; L am in fuch a trembling t 
preferve ivy- honour, aad. lam all obedience ! ^ 

r- ^ ^ [/^/«r/ ra Manly. 

Mamm Sir Francis— —my ^y is ready to receive you^ 
cpmniandft f0r. her jouisney, whenever you pleafe to i^point 
It. 
t 4(rJ!rte«;Ah CQufih I IdcMibtliaei pbligFfdxoypq.for 

:, JUSm Cvfim^.cqmfii Xvr Ftaq^is ; .talpi; it f| you fin4 iu 
CMhsdience in a wife is a good thingi though it were never 

fo 



S6 THE PROVOKED HUffBANDi 6^, 
fb Wonderful I Anfl nove, fir« i^e harfe mytbing to« 

do btttto dilpofe of this gentlemaD. 
. C. ^4/1 Mr. Mtnly I. Qr ! I hope you won't ruin me^ 

JI£m. Did not you forge thU note for fire hundred 
pouvdt. fir ? 

' C ^4/*. Sip— I fee you know the World, iind therdbre ' 
I (hall not pretend to premricate-fiut u k hat hun no^y 
yet, fir! I beg. you will not (li|;n)atize.nie I— Since ypu 
harefpoird my fortune in oiie n^mily, I hope you* won't 
l>e fo cruel to a young fellow, as to put it out of my power^. 
iJKr^ to make it in another, fir. 

- Mau. look ycNi, fir, I have not much time to waHe 
with you : but, if you ezpe£i mercy yourfelf, ypumuft. 
fliew u to one you have been cruel to.' . ' 

C.Baf. Cruel, fir! 

Mia. Hare not you ruih'd this yoi|ng won^ f 

C.Baf.lj&rl ' ' , 

' Mm. I know you ha ve t herefore you can't 1)1ame 

her, if, in the h€t you lire charged with, uie is a principal- 
wit nefs againft you. Howeyert you hare one, and one 
•niT chanceto-get off mth. Marry her thit inftan f ' ■ 
ana you take off her eridence* 

C.Baf. Dear fir! 

Man. No words, fiir ;«-a wifo,''or zmitthmi*' 

-£7. Brf. Lord, fir 1 this ir the ibbft Aihm^rciful merey \ . 

Man* A private pcmuice, or 'ii Public one ■ coa* 
fiablcj '- ^ '■■ ' . 

C. Baf. Hold, fir, fince you are pleated to g^te me my 
choice, I will not make fo ill a compliment to the lady at 
not to give her the preference. 

Man.- It mufi be done this minute, fir : the chaplain you 
ezpeded is dill wiihin -call. . • • ' 

C. Baf. Well» fir,— ^— i-fince it muft be fo Gomct 

fpoufe— -^I ain not the firft of the fraternity that hat run 
his head into one nooie, to keep it^Out of another* ' 
• Mjr. Come, fir, dop*t repuc : marriage is, at worf^y 
Ihit playing upon the fquare. 

' C. Ba/. Ay, but. the Worft of the match too, it the> 
devil. r ^ 4 

Mak^ Well, fir; to Ut you'tte it it not fo bad ^ you 
think it ; at a reward for her honefty, in dete^ng your 
piaCticet, b&esidof ^e fetfged bill yoo would haiveput 

upo» 



A JOURNEY TO LONDON. 87 

vponber^^thsre's ft real one« of fire hundred pounds, to 
begin a new bonev-moon wkh. IGives k io Mjrrtilbu 

C. ^a/. Sir, tnit it fo genef out an a^t— » — «« 
Atanm No compliments, dear fir I am not at lei* 

fure now to receive them*— -»Mr. Conftable, will yn be 
fo rood at to wait upon this gentleman into the next roomy 
ana gWe chit lady in marriage to him ? 
Cofi/t. Sir, ni do it faithfully. 

C. Saf. Well ! five hundred^will ferre to make a hamU 
Ibme pufii witby however. * 

lExfMMt Countf Myrtilla, muiOmJhU§m 
Sir Fran* And that I may be fure my lamily't rid of him 
for ever— » come, ray lady, left- even take our childica 
along with ut, and be all wttnefs of the ceremony* 
[Ex. Sir Fran. Lady Wronghead, Mi&t mui^Sqmrem 
Man* Now, my lord, you may enter. 

Emtir Lord tfWLady Townly. anJLtdy Orace* 
L. Tktm. So, fir, I give vou joy <^ their negodation* ' 
Man* You overheard it all, I ptvfume ? 
£^. Grace. From firft to laft, fir. 
L* Town. Never were knaves and fools better dibofiBA 
of* 

Man. A fort of poetical juftice, my lord, not much 
above the judgmexit of a modem comedy* 

L. Town. To heighten that refemblance, I think, fifler^ 
there odIt wants yoih' rewarding the hero of the Able, 1^ 
naming the day of his happinefs* 

La. Grace* This day, to-morro^, ^^7. ^^'^t I hope^ 
of life to come, will (hew I want not inclination to com- 
pleat It. ^ 

Man, Whatever I may want, madam, yott will alwayf 
find endeavours to deferve you. 
X. Tmvn. Then all are happy. 

La. Town. Sifter, I give you joy I * confummate as the 
* happieft pair can boaft.* 

in you, methinks, as in aglafii, I fee 
The happinefs that once amnc'd to me. 
So vifible the blifs, fo plain the way. 
How was it poffiUe my fcnfe could ftray ? 
But now, a convert to this truth I come. 
That married hapfAneft is never found from home. 

[ExiUMi I 
End rf tki Fifth Act. 



EPILOGUE. 

JifESfWJNKS I hear fimetpwder^d critics /iy, 

Dammit! this wifk reformed Imu /poitd tie tlojf ! 
^^ ne coxcpmh Jbould ban/e drawn her more in fafifionj^ ^ 
** Hetve gratifod her fofter iftcUnatioMj V- 

*' Hofife tip her a gallant, and clinched the provocation* J* 
But there our hardjftops Jbort : for *twere uncivil 
T* have made a modern belle, M o*er a devil f 
He hofd, in honour ef the fexy the age 
Would hear one mended woman ^^^^pn the Jlagem 
. Frinm whence, you fee, hy common Jen/e^s rules, 
Wives might he governed, were not hufiands focls^. 
Wiat^er hy nature dames are prone to do. 
They felddm firay hut when tSey govern you* 
Whmti the wild wife perceives ier dtary tame^. 
No wonder then Jhe fiays him all the game* 
But men of fefsje meet rarely that dif after ; 
Wqwtenfjtait pride fitfhenenurii is tiieir mafierv 
Nay, Jhe that with a weak man ^vi/eh lives, 
will feem t* obey the due commands Jtje gives /* 
Bitppf: ^Mioncois no more a wonder. 
When men are men, and keep them kindly under, 
Jfmti modotm cpm/^rts are futch high-hreJC creaiwrei, ' 
Th^ think a hufiands power degrades their foaturesy 
$iat nothit^i; more proclaims a reigning heautyi 
Jban. ^hat mo never was reproach d with duty.: 
And that the greatejl hlejjing heav^h.e^er fent. 
Is in a fpoufe incurious ana content* ' 

To giyejuch dames a. different cafi ef thought, . 
By calling home t)>e mind, thefe f denes nxjere wrought*. 
i/^ with a /?and too rude, the tq/k is done, ^ . 

Jris hope the fcheme, hy Lady Grace laid down, i 

JVith all fuch freedom with the fix attone, . j i 

That virtue there unfoiPd, hy modijh art^. 
Throws out attractions for a Manfy 'j Ijeart* 

Touy you then, ladies, whofe un^ueftion*d lives • 
Give you the foremqft fame of happy vjives, 
ProteSlyfor it's attempt, this helplefi play j 
Nor leave it to the vulgar tafte, . a prey ^ • 
Appear the frequent champions of its caufe, 
Dired the crowd, a^ gtveyour/ekues afpiaufc. . 

FINIS,,.. 



.rrlntedjor W. LOWNDES. 



P L A T S in 1 3 w^, at 6d. cdcb. 



t> The Plays marked thus*, arc either ihofe which form 
LowHPM's NEW ENGLISH IHEATRK, oi arc 
thoCe that have been printed, fincc th^t PubLicatioo, in 
the fane elegant IVIanner. 



Abramule, by Dr. Trapp 
Achilles, by Gay ■ 
Adventures of Half ao Hour, 

by Bullock 
^^EfQp, by Vanbrugh 
A^s, by Mr. Home 
Albion 'and Albanius, by 

Drydcn 
Albion QijeenK by Banks 
A'chemiil, by Ben Jonfon 
Alcibiades, by Otway 

* All for Love, by wyden 
Ainbo^fna, by Dryden 
Amphitryon, by Dryden 

* Amphitryon, altered by 
Dr. Hawkefworth 

Anatomift, by'Ravenfcfx>ft 
Antony and Cleopatra, by 

Shakipeare 
Arden of Feverfham, by 

Lilt* ■; 

* Artaxefxet^ by Dr. Arne 
Anftil Hiiihand,' by Ta ver- 



ner 



Artifice/ by Mrs. CentlWro 

4 A5yoxilikeit,Shakfpeare 
Athaliahi by Duncbmbe ' i 
Aureirgsebe, by Dryden 

* BarbaroiIi^ fey Brown 
Bartholomew Fair, by Ben 

Jonfon 
Baifel T4bl^ .by Centlivre ^ 

♦ Beaux Stratagem, by 
Fawjuiiar 



* Beggars Opera, by Gay 
Hiter, by Rowe 

*■ Bo d Stroke for a Wife, 

by Mn. Centlivre 
Brittih Enchanterc, by Lanf- 

.downe 

* Brothers, by Dr. Young 
Bufirit, by Dr. Young 

* Bufy Body, by Centlivre 
Csefar in E^pt, by Gibber 
*: Carelefs Hulband, by Do. 
Catiline, by Ben Jonton . 
^ Cato, by Addifon 
Cheats of Scapin, by Otivay 
Chance^ by the Duke of' 

Buckingham 

* Chances, bv Garrick 
Chaplet, by MoliBt Mendes 
Cleomenet, by Dryden 
Cobier of Prefion, by Bul- 
lock 

Comedy of Errors, by Shak- 
ipeare. 
Comical Lovers, by Gibber 
^ Goititnifteei bv Howard 
•Confederacy, Vanbrugh^ 
Conqueft of Granada, by 

Dryden 
*■ Confcious Lovers, by Sir* 
R. Steele 

* Conftant Couple, by 
Farquhar . 

Conftaixtia^ 



PLAYS frinttd Jor W. LoWNDEi. 



CoDfiantine the Great| by 

Lee 
Contfivanccf, by H. Carey 
^ Coriolanus by Shakfieare 
Country Lades, by C. John- 

fon 
Country Wifi^byWychfcVlcy^" 

* Country Wife, altered by 
Garrick 

Country Wit, by Crown 

* Cymbeline, by G«rrick 
Damon and PhiUida, by 

Mr. Didbin 
Devil of a Wife, by Jcvon 
Devil to Pay, by Coiiey 

* Diftrcll Mother, by A. 
Philips 

Don Carlos, by'Otway 

* Double Dealer, by Con- 
greve 

* Double Gallant,by Gibber 

* Douglas, by Mr. Home 
Dragon of Wantley, by H» 

Carey 

* Drummer, by Addifon 
Duke and no Duke, by Sir 

A. Cockain 
Duke of Ouife, by Dryden 
Earl of Bifex, by Banks 

* Earl of Eflex, by Jones 
Earl of Warwick, by Dn 

Franklin 
Edward the Black Prince, 

by Shirley 
Evening's Love, by Dryden • 

* Every Man in his Hu- 
mour, by Garrick . 

* Fair Penitent, by Rowe 
Fair Quaker of Deal, by C. 

Shad well 
Falfc Friend, by Vanbruch 
Fatal Secret, by Theobald 



Flora, or Hob in the Well, 

by Hippiilev 
Fox, by Ben fonfon 

* Foundling, by Mr. Moore 
Friendihip in Fafliion, by 

Otway 

* Funeral, by Steele 
Gamefter, by Mr8.Cent|,|vre 
^ Gamefler, by Mr. Moore 
Gentle ShepherdybyRamfay 

* George Bamwell,byLillo 
Gil Bias, by Moore 
Gloriana, by Lee 

Great Favourite, by Howard 

* Grecian Daughter, by 
Mr. Murphy 

Greenwich Park, by 
Mountfort 

* Hamlet, by Shakfpeare 

* Henry IV. a pans \ ;gsS 
Henry V. I ^ ^ 
Henry VI. 3 parts f :• g- 

* Henry VllI J f 
Henry V. by Hill 
Honeft Yorkfhireman, by 

, Carey 

Humours of Purgatory, by 
Griffin 

* Hypocrite, by Mr. 
RickerftaflT, 

* Jane Gray, by Rowi • 
^ Tane Shore, by Rowe 

* Inconflantf bv farquliar 

* Ifabetla, by Garrick* 
lilaod Pr'mcefs^ by Motfewc 

* Julius Caefor, bbakipcare 
King Charles I. by Havard 



* iCinfc John, by Shakfpeare 
King Lear, by Tate 

King Lear, by Shakfpeare 

* ICing Lear, by Garrick 
Limberham, by Dryden 

^ Lionel 



PLAYS prhttd for W. Lowkd£«* 



♦ Lionel and Clirifla, by 
Mr. Bickcrft.fF 

Litigants, by OuXV 
Love for Love, by Cohgrt tc 
LoTc in a Mift, by Cun- 
ningham 
Lore in a Tub, by Etbcrege 
^ Love makes a Man, by 

C. Gibber 
Love's laft Shift, C. Gibber 

• Love in a ViUage, by Mr, 
Bickerflaff 

Love's Labour Loft, by 

Shakfpeare 
Love Tnumphant, Dry den 
Lying Lover, by Steele 

• Macbeth, by Shakfpeare 

• Mahomet, by Miller and 
Dr. Hoadley 

» Maid of the Mill, by 

BirkerftuflT 
Man of Mode, byEtherege 
Mariamne, by Fenton 
Maflacre at Paris, by Lee 

* Medea, by Mr. Glover 

* Meafure for MeaAire, by 
Shakfpeare « 

* Merchant of Venice, by 
Shakfpeare 

♦ Merope, by A. Hill 

» MehymvesofWmdfor, 

a^ Shakfpeare 
eV of Mansfield, by Mr. 
.Dodfley 
•'Minor, by Mr. Foote 

* Bltfer, by Fielding 
Miibke, by Vanbrugh 

** Mouroing Bride, by Con« 
grevc 

♦ Much ado about Nothing, 
by Shakfpeare 

Muftapha, V Orreiy 
Nonjuror^ by C. Gibber 



Oedipus, byDryden 

* Old Bachelor,byG6ngreire 

* Orphan, byOtwmy 

* Oroonoko, by Southern 
« Othelfo, by Shakfpeare 
Perjured Hufband, GentlWrc 
Perolla and Isadora, by C. 

Gibber 

* Phaedra and Hippolitus, 
by Smith 

Phi!otas, by Frowde 
Pilgrim, by Fletcher 
Plutus, by Theobald 
Polly, by Gay 
Prophetefs, by Beaumont 

* Provoked Hulband, by 
Gibber 

* Provoked A^^fe, by Van- 
brugh 

* Recruiting Officer, by 
Farquhar 

Rehearfal, by Bucktagham 
Relapfe, by Vanbrugh 
Refufal, by G. Gibber 

* Kevenge, by Dr. Young 
« Richard III. by Gibber 
Rival Fools, by C. Gibher 
Rival Ladies, by Drydea 

* Rival Queens, altered 

* Roman Father, byWhite- 
head 

* Romeo and Juliet, by 
Garrtck 

Royal Merchant, Beaumotic 

* Rule a Wife, byBeaumont 
School-boy, by Gibbei' 
Scornful Lady, by Beau* 

mont and Fletcher 
^ She would dnd (he would 

not, by G. Gibber 
She wouid if (he could, by 

Bibcrege 



PLAYS primta 

' Sicgc of Damafcus, by 

Hughes 
Siege of Aquileia, by Home 
SilcDt Woman, by B. Jonfon 
Sir Courclv Nice, by Crown 
Sir Harr^ Wildair> Far^uhar 
Sir !ilarcm Mar-All, Dryden 
Sir Walter Raleigh, by Dr. 

Scwell 

* Spantih Friar, by Dryden 
Squire of Alfatia, by T. 

Shadwell 
Stage -Coach, by Farqiihar 
State of Innocence, Dryden 
Strollcri, by Breval 
*Sarpiciou&Hulbaad, by Dr. 

Hoadicy 

* Tamcrl,ne, by R owe 

* Taming of the ShrcW| by 
Garrick 

* Tuncred »nd Sigifmunda, 
bj^ Thonxfon 

* Tempeft, by Shakfpeare 
Tender Hu (band, by Steele 

* Theodofius, by Lee 
Timon of Atheai, by Shak- 

fpcare 
Titua and Berenice,byOtway 



pr W. LowNcrs* 

Toy-Shop, by Dodftev 
Troilua and Cfreflkia, Dryden 
« Ttvclfth Night, by Shakf- 

peare 
Twin Rivali, 1>y Farquhar 
Two Gonrleinen of Verona^ 

by Shakfpcare 
Tyrannic Love, by Dryden 

♦ Venice Prefcrvedf.byOtway 
Venus and Adonb,bT Gibber 
Vcilal Virgin, by notvard 
Ulyflcs, by Rowc 

• W.y of the World, by 
Conj^rcvc 

What d'ye call it ? by Gay 
Wife's Relief, by lohnfon 
Wild Gallant, by Dryden 

• Winter's Tale, by Garrick 
Wit without Moneyiby Beau- 

mont 
WomanN a Riddle^ Biillock 
Woman's Revenget by do. 

* Wonder« a Woman Veepi 
a Secret, by Centlivre 

Xerzei, by C. Gibber 

* Zara, with tke Intedudes*. 
by Hill 



Tragedies, Comedies, and Op-eras, in8v9.. 

at IS. 6d. each. 

"Tiofe marked by an jffterick are emiellijhid Ufisi. 
Frontijpieces, 



Achilles, by Gav 
Accompliflied Mnid, * Amintas, by Taffo 



* AUuma, by Mr. Murpby 

* Amintas, by Taffo 
by Mr. Tdms Any^lois ^ Bordeaux, par 

^Si^t ^y Mr. Home Favart 

All)ina, by Mrs. Cowley Arminius, by Patccrfon 

All in the Wrong, Murphy Art 8e Nature^ by MHlcr 

Aftrologert 



P L A V S printed 
'Afkrolcigcr, by Mr. Ralph- 
Athelfian, by Dr. Bro«iia 
Athelwold, by A. Hill 
Author's Farce» by Fielding 
Bankrupt, by Mr. Footc 
Barbaroflk) by Dr. Brown 
Battle of Hailings, by Mr. 
Cumberland 

* Beggars Opera, with Mu- 
lict by Gay 

Belles Stratagem* by Mrs. 

Cowley 
Bold Stroke for a Hufbimd, 

by ditto 

* Braganza,by Mr. Jephfon 
Brorhersy by Cumbcrlaud s 
Brothers, by Young 
Carmelite* by Cumberland 
Cara6lacus* by Mafon 
Caelia, by C. JobDlbn 
Chapter of Accidents, by 

Mifs Lee 
Choleric Fathers, Holcroft 
Choleric Man, Cumberland 
Clandedine Marriage, by 

Gurrick anJ Colman 
Clcmcnrina, by Mr. Kelly 

* Cleone, by Dodlley 
Clconice, by Mr. Hoole 
Coftce houfe Po'iiician, by 

. Fielding 

CtMnmlflary, by Mr. Foote 
Conftantine, by Francis 
Conuette, by Hitchcock 
Cpnblanup, bv T. Sheridan 
Count of Narbonne, by Mr. 

Jephfon 
Countefft of Salifbury, by 

Mr. Hartfon 
Cozeners, by Mr. Foote 
Creufa, by Mr. Whitehead 

* Critic, by" Mr. Sheridan 
Cymbelincy'by Hawkins 



fir .\V. LoWNDtS. 
Cymon, by Mr. Garrick 
Devil on Twro Sticks, Pooffe 
Diibanded Oflicer, Johndone 
DiftrciTed Wife, by Gay 
Douglas, by Mr. Home 
Duclliil, by Dr. Kenrick 
Duplicity, by Mr. HolckX>ft 
Earl of KiTez, by Jones 
£arl of Eflex, by Brooke 
Blfred, bv A. Hill 
Eltrida, by Mr. Mafon 
Elvira, by Mr. Mallet 
Emilia, by Mr. Meilaii 
EDglidi Merchant, Colman 
Eugenia, bv Mr. Francis 
Eurydice, by Mr. Mallet 
Fair Circ^fflian, by Prait 
» Falfc Delicacy, by Kelty 
F;.iaari WcdJng, Kenrick 
Fadiionable [^vitics« by Mr. 

Macnally 
Fafhionable Lo?er, by Mr. 

Cumberland 
Fatal Viiion, by A.Hill 
Fathers, by Mr. Fielding 
tollies oF a Day, by Holcroft 
Friends, by Mr. Mcilan 
G.imcOer, by Mr. Moore 
Gil Bias, by Mr. Moere 
Grub-flreei Opera, Fielding 
Guardian Outwitted, Arne 
Hecuba, by Dr. Dclap 
Heircfs, by Gen. Burgoyrve 
* Henry VlII. by Grove 
Heroine of the Cave, Jones 
He would be a S )ldier, by 

Mr.Pilon 
riltcllyouwhafjMrsInchbald 
Incle and Yarico, by Mr. 

Colman, Jim. . 
Infolvcnt, by A. Hill 
Lady of the Manor, by D^r. 

I^enrick 

Lady's 



PLAYS printed 

Lady's ReveDge, by Popple 
Lame Lover, by Mr. Foote 
Law of Loxnbaruy, Jephfon 
Do, on royal paper, «/. 6//. 
Love in a Riddle, ^ Cibbc'r 
Love in feveral Mafques, 

by Fielding 
Lvar, by Mr. Foote 
Magic ridture, by Bate 
Mahomet, by Garrick 

* Maid of the Mill, by Mr. 
* Bickerftaff . 

Maid of Bath, by Mr. Foote 
Mao & Wife, by Colman 
ManofTaile, by Miller 
Man of Buiinersy by Colman 
Matilda, by Dr. Franklin 
Methodift, by Pottingcr 
Midas, by Mr. 0«Hara 

• Minor, by Mr. Foote 
Modern Hulband, Fielding 
Momus turned Fabuliil 
More Ways than One, by 

Mrs. Cowley 
Mother-in-Law, by Miller 
Mudapha, by Mr. Mallet 
Myilerious Hulb^^nd, by 

Mr, Cumberland 
Nabcb, by Mr. Foote 
New Peerage, by Mifs Lee 
Noble Peafent, by Holcroft 
Northumberland, by Meilan 
Oliver Cromwell, by Green 
Orators, by Mr. Foote 
Orphan of China, Murphy 
Pafquin, by Fielding 
Patron, by Mr. Foote 
Percy, by Mifs More 
Pcriiinder, by Atkins 
Philoclca, by Mr. Morgan 
•Plain Dealer, byBickerftaff 
Platonic Wife, by Griffiths 
Rcfural,by C.Cibhcr 
Regu!u9, by Mr. l!avi;rd 



ftr W. LoWKDEt. 

Reparation , by Mr.Andrews 
Richard Cceur de Lion 
Rivals, by Mr Sheridan 
Robin Hood, bv Macnallr 
Roman Father,by Whitehead 
Roman Revenge, by Hill 
Royal Merchant, bv Hull 
Royal Suppliants, by belap 
Scanderbeg, by Havard 
School for Greybeards, by 

Mrs. Cowley 
School for Guardians, by 

Mr. Murphy 
School for Lovers, by 

Mr. Whitehead 
School for Rakes, by 

Mrs. Grifiiths 
» School for Wives, by Kelly 
Sethona, by CoK Dow 
Scdu6Hon, l>y Mr. Holcroft 
She Stoop* to Conquer, by 

Dr. Goldfmith 
Siege of Aquileia, by Home 
Siege de Calais, par Belloy 
Siege of Si nope, by Brooke 
Siflcr, by Mrs. Lenox 
* Strangers at Home, by 

Mr. Cobb 
Students, altered from 

Shakfpeare 
Such Tlrings Arc, by Mrs. 

Inchbald 
Summer's Tale, by Mr. 

Cuml>erland 
Temple Beau, by Fielding 
I'hemiilocUs, by Madden 
Timanthes, bv^lr. Iloole 
Times, by ^frs. Griflitha 
Timon ot Athens, altered 

by Mr. Curaiierland 
Timon in Love, J^ Kelly 
1 rip to Calais &c. by ^lr. 
1 oote, as. 6d. 

Tijp 



P I. A Y S prinud 
Trip to Scarborough, by 

Mr. Sherifian 
Village Orera, by Johnfon 
Virginia, by Mr. Crifpe 
Virgin Queen, by Bartord 
Univerfal OaUaiiC, by 

Fielding 
UfiiTerful PaflioD, by Miller 
Way CO keep bim, by Mr* 

Murphy 



ff^r W. LowMMi. 

Weft Indian, by Cumberland 
Which is the Man, by 

Mrs, Cowley 
Widowed Wife, by ft en ric 
Widow and no ^S idoMr, by 

Sir P. Jodrelt 
Word to the Wife» by Kelly 
Zenobia, by Mr* Murphy 
Zingis* bj Col. Dow 
Zoraida, by Mr. Hodfoa 



Operas, Farces, Sec. Svo. is.eacli^« 

^bofe marked with • art ornamented 'xith Frmtif- 

pifcesM 

ACHILLES in Pet- 
licoats, by Colman 
Albumazar, by Mr, Garrick 
All the World's a Stage, by 

Mr* Jackman 
Altncnay by Mr. Rolt 
, Amelia, by C.umberland 
Amintas, by Sig. Tenducci 
Amphitryon, Hawkefworth 
An Hour before Marriage 
Apprent'ce, by Murphy 
• Artaxerxes, hy Dr. Arne 
Artiiice, by Mr. Miles 
Author, by Mr. Foote 
Beggars Opera Tunes for 

the Flute 
Bickerilars Unburied Dead 
Blind Beggar of Bethnal 

Green, I^ Mr, Dodfley 
Boarding School, with Mu- 

(ic, by Coffey 
Bon Ton, by Mr, Garrick 
Catharine and Petruchio, 

by Mr. Garrick 
Capricious Lovers, Lloyd 



Chances, by Mr. GariSck 
Chriilmas Tale, b\' ditto 
Citizen, hy Mr. Murphy * 
Comus, altered by Daltou 

* Comus, by Mr. Colman 
Confederates, by Breval 
Cottagers, by Goodcnough 

* Country Wife, by Mr, Lee 
Covcnt Garden Traj^cdy, l»y 

Mr. Fielding 
C rofs Pu rpofcs , Mr. Obrien 
Cunning Man, Dr, Burncy 
Damon and Phillida, by 6. 

Cibber, with Muiic 

* Daphne and Amintor, &y 
Mr. Bickcrfiaff 

Deaf Lover, by Mr. Pilon 
Debauchees, by Fielding 
Deuce is in him, by Colman 
Devil of a Duke, by Drury 
Dido, by Mr. Bridges 
DiftrefsM Baronet, bv Siu^irt 
Dutchman, by Mr. Brid ges 
Edjcar and Emmeline,by 
Dr. Hawkefworth 

Edward 



PLAYS printed 

Edwdtd ind Elbono^ft, aN 

tcrcd by Mr. Hull ; 
Eliza, by Mr. Rolt i 
Engliilynan at Paris, Fdore 
Englifliman Returned, ditto 
Ephefian Matron, by Mr. 

Bickerftaff 
Fairies » by Mr. Smith . 
Fairy Princci by Colmaa 
Fair Quaker, by Thomfon 
Firft Flobr, by Mr. Cobb 
Flitch of Bacon, by Bate 
Flora, an Opera 
Fool, by Captain Topham 
Frenchified Lady, by Dell 
Gamedeis, by Mr. Garrick 
Gipfies, by Mr. JMbdin 
Golden Pippr, byO'Hma 
Guardian, by Mr. Garritk 
* Hamlet, by Mr. Jcnncns 
High Life Bclo\¥ Stairs, by 

Mr. Gar rick 
Hiftorical Regiftcr, by Mr. 

Fielding 
Hofpital for^Fools, by Miller 
Hotel, or D.»uble Valet, 

by Mr. Vaughan 
■Intriguing Chambermaid, by 

Mr. Fielding 
Illumination, by Mr. Pilon 
Irllh Widow, by Garrick 
Jovial Crew, by Brome 
Jiidgmciit of Paris, by Dr. 

Schrtmbcrg 
Knights, by Mr. Foote 
Letter Writers, by Fielding 
I-ethe, bv Mr. Garrick 
L'berty Hall, by Mr. Dibdin 
Lilliput, by Mr. Garrick 
Livery Rake, by K. Philips 
Liverpool Prize, by Pi 'on 
Lottery, by Mr. Fielding 
Lo^e and Innocence 



ftr W. Lowndes. 

Love at firft Sight, by Ku:g' 
Lying Valet, by Gaf rick 

* Macbeth rf by Mr. J6hncns 
Mad Captain, by'Drury ' 
Magnet 

MaA^s the Mafier, by Da- 

veoant 
May-Day and Theatrical 

Candidates, by Garrick 
Mayor of Garrat, by Foote 
Merr^ Cobler, T>y Cofiey 

* Midis, altered by Beard 
Midfummer Night's Dream, 

by Mr. Colman 
Milelian, by Mr.. Jackmati 
Minorca, by Mr. Dell 
Mirrou'r, by ditto 
Mifs Lucy in Town, by 

Fielding 
Mock Doaor, by Fielding 
Mufe in Mourning, and 

Merlin in Love, by Hill 
Mulical Lady, by Colman 
N>ck or Nothing, Garrick 
Old Maid, by Murphy 
Old' Man taiight Wifdom, 

by Fielding 
One and All, by P. Jodrell 
Oracle, by Mrs. Cibbcr 
Orooncko, by Haukcfworth 
Othello, by Mr. Jcnnens" 
Oxonian in Town, by Mr. 

Colman 
Padlcck, by Mr. Rickerflaff 
Peep behind the Curtain, 

by Mr. Ganick 
Pharnacei, by Mr. Hull 
Philader, by Mr. Colmaa 
Pilgrim Altered from Flet- 
cher 
Polly Hone ycoinbe, by Mr. 

Colninn 
Portrait, by Mr. Colman 



IHE URirMMER . 







T* H E 

ID R U M M E Ri 

OR, THE 

yS A U N r E D HOUSE, 

A 

■COMEDY, 
fiJBy Mr. ADDISON. 

c Marked with the V«riationB iii the 

MANAGER'S BOOK, 

AT -l n X. 

F C6eatte*Eo?al in s:)rurj?*!Lane, 



Falsis terroribus implet 
^(JJt maous Hor. 



L N D //; 

Tiinted f.r J. Rivington, and Sons, W. Str.jli-.n, I. Ti 
W. Owen, T. Longman, L. Davis. T. l-^v.•nli.•^, " J . f 
T. Davics, C. Rivin^.ton, R. Bal.!'Ain, S. BJ.i.kjn, !' . H.v 
T. Cadcll, W. NicgU, J. Robfon, J. 1). Corniih, un-ilL. {ob 






M.DCC.I-XXVIf 



V » ^SU>j\A/v!^ ^^AAy^ 



AsV«)^ 



t^ The Reader is defired to ohCsnt, that the PaiTages omitted 
in the Reprefentation at the Theatres are here preferved^ and 
marked with ioYcrted Commas 5 as at Line 17 ,to y^ m 

Page 13. 



PROLOGUE. 

TN this grave age, ntohen Comedies are fevj^ 
"* We cra*ve your patronage for one tbafs ne<w ; 
i" hough ^fwere poor fiuff, yet bid the auihorfair^ 
And let the Jcarcenefs recommend the *ware. 
Long ha<ve your ears been fiWd ivith tragic parts ^ 
Blood atid Blank Verfe, ha<ve hardened all your hearts % 
If e* er you fmile , Uis at fome party flrokes. 
Round- heads and Wooden -moes are ft anding jokes % 
The fame conceit gives claps and hijfts birth ^ 
You^re grovrnfuch politicians in your mirth / 
For once lae try ftho* *tis, I o*wu, unfafe) 
^0 pleafe you all, and make both parties laugh. 

Our Author, anxious for his fame to-night ^ 
And bafljful in his firft attempt to nurite. 
Lies cautioufty ohfcure and unreveaVd, 
Like antitnt A3ors in a mafti conceal d, 
'Cenfure luhen no man knoavs nvho ivrites the play^ 
Were much good malice merely thro*wn aivay, 
ne mighty Critics ixjill not blaft^ for fljame, 
A ran» young thing vjho dares not tell his name: 
Good-natured judges will th^unknotvn defend. 
And fear to blame, left they fi^ould hurt a friend* 
Each Wit me^ praife it, for his oivn dear fake^ 
And hint he lurit it, if the thing fl>ould tsike. 
But, if you're rough, and ufe him like a dog. 
Depend upon it --^^ he* II remain incog. 
If you flsould hifs , h'e fvuears he'll hi fs as high. 
And like a culprit, join the hue and cry* 

If cruel men are ft ill averfe to fpare 
Thefe fcenes, they fly for refuge to the Fair, 
no* fwith a Ghoft our comedy he heightened : 
Ladies, upon my voord, yotijhan't be fright en^dl 
Ob, 'tis a Ghoft that Jeems to he uncivil, 
A vsell'fpread, lufty, jointure-hunting devil : 
An amorous Ghofi, thai^s faithful^ fond, and true f 
Made up of flejh and blood-— as much as you. 
Then ev*ry evening come in flocks undaunted ; 
Wc never think this houjeistoo much haunted. 

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THE 

D R U M M E R: 

OR, THE 

n A U N r E D HOUSE. 



ACT I. SCENE, a ^eat hall. 

BMfUr.^nr^HE R E came another coach to town lafl 
X ni^ht, that brought a gentleman to cn# 
^wre about this ftrange noife we hear in the houfe,. 
Tfcts fpirk wH* bring a power of cuflom CD the George 
^~If fo be he continues his pranks, I defign to fell a 
potpf akj and fet up the fig.n ofthc drum. 

C&ae^, Fir ^?e mndatn warning, that's ftat^— Pvc 
always liv'd in ibber famrKes. FH not difparage my*- 
lelfto he a f^rrant in a hotiib that is haunted. 

Gani. FH e"en marry Nell, and rent a bit of ground 
ef my own, if both of you leave madam ; not but that 

jnodam's a very good wom^an if Mrs. Abigail" did 

not fpoil her Come, here's her health. 

Bat. *T{s a very hard thine to be a butler itj a houfe 
that 19 diftufbed. He made inch a racket in the cellar 
feft night, that Fin afraid he*ll four all the beer in my 
barrels. 

CoacB. Why then, John, we ought to take it off a$ 

faft as we can. Here's to you -He rattled fo loud 

under the tiles laft night, that I verily thought the 
houfe wottld have fallen over our heads. I durft not 
go up into the cock-loft this morning, if I had not got 
cneof the maids to go along with me. 

Garil» I thought I heard him in one of my bed- 
pofts— ^-I marvel, John, how he gets into the houfe, 
when all the gates are fhut. . 

Bvt. Why look ye, Peter, your fpirit will creep you 

into an auger-hole he'll whifk you through a key 

hote, without ((> much as julHing againft 'one of the 
wards. 

A 3 Coach. 



« THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Coach. Poor madam is mainly fmhted, that's c«r» 
tain ; and verily believes it i^ my matter that was kiU'^ 
in the laft campaign. 

But. Out of all manner of queflion, Robin, *tis Sir 
Gewge, Mrs. Abigail is of opinion it can be ncmc bat 
his honour : He always lov'd the wars ; and you know 
was mightily pleas'd from a child with the muiic of a 
drum. 

Gard. I wonder his body was never found after the 
tattle. 

But, Fonnd \ Why, ye fool, is not his body here 
about the houfe? Do& thou think he can beat his drum 
without hands and arms ? 

Coach. 'Tis mailer as fure as I ftand here alive ; and 
I verily believe I faw him laft night in the town dofe. 

Card. Ay ! h«w did he appear ? 

Coach. Like a white horfe. 
. But. Pho, Robin, I tell ye he has never ippcar*d yet 
but in the fhape of the found of a drum. 

Coach. This makes one almoft afraid of one's own 
fiiadow. As I was walking from the ftabje t'other 
night, without my Ian thorn, I fell acrofs a beam tha!t 
lay in my way, and faith my heart was in my mouth 
»_ I thought I had tumbled over a fpirit. 
. But. Thou might'ft as well have ftumbled over a 
itraw. Why a fpirit is fach a little thinj;, that I havci 
heard a man, who was a great fcholar, fay, that he'll 
dance ye a Lancafhire hornpipe upon the point of a 
needle ■ As I fat in the pantry laft night counting 
my fpoons, the candle methought burnt blue, and the 
ipay'd bitch look'd as if fhe faw fomething. 

Coach. Ay, poor cur, fhe's almoft frighten'd out 
of her wits. 

Card. Ay, I warrant ye, fhe hears him many a time 
and often, when we don't. 

But. My lady muft have him laid, that's certain* 
whatever it coft her. 

Card. I fancy when one goes to market, one might 
hear of fomebody that can make a fpell. 

Coach^ Why may not the parfon of our parifh lay 
him ? 

Bi^. 



THE HAUNTfiD HOtJSE. 7 

Bta, No, no, no } oor parfon cannot lay him. 
- Ceacb. Why not he as well as another man ? 

Butn Why, ye fool, he is not qualified-— He has 
not uken the oaths. 

Gard. Why, d'ye think, John, that the fpirit would 
take the law of him ? — Faith, I could tell you one way 
to drive him off*. 

Coaeb. How's that? 

Gard. I'll tell you immediately [^Wwi/]— —I fancy 
Mrs* AbigaiF might fcold him out of the hoafe. 
. C^acb, Ay, fhe has a tongue that would drown hij 
drum, if any thing could. 

But, Pho, this IS all froth ; you underftand nothing 
qf ;he matter— —The next time it makes a noife, 1 
tell you what ovght to be done, ■ I would have 
the Steward fpeak latin to it. 

CMtcb. Ay, that would do, if the Steward had but 
courage. 

Gard. There you have it— He's a fearful man. H 
I.had^as much learning as he, and I met the ghofl, I'd 
tfil him his own : But alack what can one of us poor 
men do with a fpirit, that can neither write nor read ? 
. J?«/..Thou art always cracking and boafting, Peter ; 
thou doft not know what mifchief it might do thee, if 
fttch a filly dog as thee (hould offer to fpeak to it : For 
ought I know, he might ilea thee alive, and make 
parchment of thy fkin to cover his drum with. 
• Gard. A fiddleftick 1 tell not me— I fear nothing : 
iK)t I ! I never did harm in my life ; I never commit- 
ted murder. 
, jBja. I verily believe thee : keep thy temper, Peter; 
after fupper we'll drink each of us a double mug, and 
then let come what will. 

Gard. Why that's well faid, John ; An honeft man 
that is not quite fober, has nothing to fear — Here's to 

yc Why, how if he ftiould come this minute, here 

would I ftand. Ha ! what noife is that ? 

But. and Coach. Ha 1 where ? 

. Gard. The devil I the devil! Oh no ; 'tis Mrs. Abi- 
gail* 

But* Ay, faith I 'tis fhe ; 'tis Mrs. Abigail I A good 
SUllake 1 'tis Mrs. Abigail. " 

A 4 Bnttr 



t THE DRUMMER: Or, * 

Enter Ab^ail. 

Jl. Here are your dronkcn focs Ar yoa! h ikii a 
time to be g«zzliiig»wJien gentry axe come to the honfe I 
Why don't you lay your clotli ; How came you out of 
the ftable& ^' Why are noc you at work in your ganien ? 

Gar^» Why, yooder's the fine Lcndoner and mad^m 
fetching a walk togeLb?r; and me-thought they lcx)k'd' 
as if they fhoald fay they had lather hare my room 
than my eompany. 

But^ And io forfboth being all thiee met together^ 
we are domg our endeavonn to drink this fame droai*-' 
mer out of our heads. 

Gard. For you mnft know> Mrs. Abigail, we are all 
«f omxium that one can't be a match for him, onlefi 
one be as drunk as a drum. 

Coach. I am refolv'd to giv* madam warning to Yarm 
hvrielf another coachman; £» I came to farve my ma(^ 
ter, ("ye fee, while he was alive : but do fuppofa that h^- 
has no further occa£on fbr a omcH, now he walks. 

But. Truly, Mrs. Abigail, I muft needs iay, thai* 
this fame %irit is a very odd tat of a body, aftev ail^ 
so fright madam and his old iervants at this rate» 

GarJ, And truly, Mrs. Abigail, I mufb needs fays I 
J&rv*d^jnXfiUi&cr.£CMM;em^ly^ while he was livings but 
I will ftrve no man living (that is, no maa that is not 
living) without double wages. 

Ak, Ay, *tiM fuch cowards as you that go about with . 
i^lc fhjrles, to difgrace the houfc> and bring fo many 
fiYjfngcrs about it : You firft frighten yoarfelves, and' 
then your neiphbours. 

* Gard, Fri^ten'd ! I (com your words : Frighten-'d 
quoth-a ! 

Jb. What, you fot, are you ^rown pot-valiant ? 

Gard. Frighten'd with a drum ! that's a good one ! 
It will do us no harm. Til anfwer for it : It will bring 
no bbod-fhed along with it, take my word. It founds 
as like a train-band drum as ever I heard in my life. 

But. Pr'ythee, Peter, don't be fo prefumptuous. 

AB, Well, thefe drunken rogues take it as I could 
wifh. ^ [JJiJe. 

Gmd I fcom to be frighten'd, now I am in for't ; 

if 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 9 

if old DQb*a-dub fhould come iato the room, I wduld 
take him 

But^ . Pr'ythec, hold thy tongue. 

Gar J, I would take him ■ 

[TJlfe drum beats : The Gardener endeavMrt togm 
off, and falls. 

But. and Coach. Speak to it, Mrs. Abigail. 

Gard, Spare my life, and take all I have. 

Coach. Make off, make ofF, good Butler; and let us 
go hide ourfelves in the cellar. [X^O ^f^"" IJF* 

Abigaily^Az. 

Ah. So^ now the coaft is clear, I may venture to call 
out my drummer— — But firll let me (hut the do(fr^ 
left we be furpriz'd. Mr. Fantomc, Mr. Fantome! \Ht 
teats. '\ Nay, nay, pray come out: the enemy*s fled— 
I muft fpeuk with you immediately— Don't ftay tO 
beat a parley. 

\The hack feme opens, and di/covers Fantome ivith 
a drum. 

Fan. Dear Mrs. Nabby, I have overheard all that 
has been faid, and find thou haft manag'd this thing 
fo well, that I could take thee in my arms and kifr 
thee ■ ■ If my drum did not ftand in my way. 

M. Well, o' my confcience, you are the merrieft 
ghoft ! and the very picture of Sir George Truman. 

Fan. There yoii flatter ihe, Mrs. Abigail : Sir 
George had that freihnefs in his looks, that wc men of 
the town cannot come up to. 

Jh. Oh ! Death may have alter'd you, you know— 
Beiidcs you muft confidcr, you loft a great deal of blood 
in the battle. 

Fan, Ay, that's right ; let me look never fo pale, this 
cut crofs roy forehead will keep me in countenance. 

jdh. 'Tis juft fuch a one as my mafter received from a 
curfed French trooper, as my lady's letter inform'd her. 

Fan. It happens luckily that this fuit of clothes of 

Sir George's 'fits me fo well 1 think I can't fail 

hitting the air of a man with whom I was fo long ac- 
quainted. 

jih. You are. the very man I vow I almoft ftart 
when I look upon you. 

A 5 Fa^. 



!• THE DRUMMER: Or, 

. Fan. But'what good will this do me, if I muft re«. 
main inviiible ? , - 

Ah. Pray what good will your being vifible do you ? 
The fair Mr. Fancome thought no woman could with- 
itand him— -But when you were fcen by my lady in 
your proper perfon, after (he had taken a full furvey of 
you, and heard all the pretty things you could fey, 
ihe very civilly difmifs'd you for the fake of that emp- 
ty noiiy creature 1 Infel. She fancies you have been 
gone from hence this fortnight. 

Fan, Why really I love that lady fo well, that the* 
I had no hopes of gaining her for myfelf, I could not 
bear to fee her given to anpther, efpecially to fuch a 
wretch as Tinfel. 

Ab. Well, tell me truly, Mr. Fantome, have not . 
you a great opinion of my fidelity to my dear lady, 
that I would not fuffer her to b^ deluded in this man- 
ner for lefs than a thoufand pound ? 

Fan, Thou art always reminding me of my promife 
—Thou (halt have it, if thou can'ii bring our projed 
to bear : Dod not know that (lories of ghofts and ap- 
paritions generally end in a pot of money. 

Ab. Why truly now, Mr. Fantome, I (hould think 
myfelf a very bad woman, if I had done what I do for 
a farthing lefs. 

Fan. Dear Abigail, how I admire thy virtue ! 

Ab. No, no, Mr. Fantome, I defy the worft of my 
enemies to fay I love mifchief for mifchiePs fake. 

Fan: But is thy lady perfuaded that I'm the ghott of 
her deceafed huiband i 

Ab, I endeavour to make her believe fo ; and tell 
|ier every time your drum rattles, that her hu(band ia 
chiding her for entertaining this new lover. 

Fan, Pr'ythee make ufe of aU thy art : for Pm tir*d 
to death with drolling round this wide old houfe, like 
a rat behind the wainfcot. 

Ab. Did not I tell you 'twas the pureft place in tho 
world for you to play your tricks in ? There's none of 
the family that knows every hole and corner in it, bc- 
fides myfelf. 

Fan, Ah, Mrs. Abigail ! you have had your intrigues. 
>o >/*• 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE- it 

M, For you rnuft know when I was a romping 
jroong ^rl» I was a mighty lover of hide and feek. 

Fan, I believe by this time, I am as well acquainted 
with the hottfe as yourfelf. 

jib» You are very much midaken, Mr. Fan tome : 
But no matter for that ; here's to be your ftation to* 
mfi;ht. This place is unknown to any one living be- 
iiaes myfelf, nnce the death of the joiner, who, you 
mail underftand, being a lover of mine, contrived the 
wainicot to move to and fro, in the manner that you 
£nd it. I deAgn'd it for a wardrobe for my lady's caft 
clothes. Oh fthe ftomachers, ftays, petticoats, com- 
inodes, lac'd fhoes, and good things that I have had 
in it I— Pray take care you don't break the cherry 
brandy bottle that (lands up in the comer. 

Fan. Well, Mrs. Abigail, I hire your clofet of yon 
but for this one night — A thoufand pound, you know, 
is a very good rent. 

Jh, Well, get you gone : You have fuch a way with 
you, there's no denying you any thin^i 
• Fan. I'm thinking how Tinfcl will Hare, when he 
fees me come out of the wall ; for I am refolved to 
make my appearance to-night. 

jih. Gee you in, get you in, my lady's at the door. 

Fan, Pray take care ihe does not keep me up fo late 
•as (he did lafl night, or depend upon't I'll beat the 
tattoo. 

M. I'm undone, I'm undone— [-<^i he is going /».] 
Mr. Fantome, Mr. Fantome, have you put the thou* 
fand pound bond into my brother's hand ? 

Fan, Thou (halt have it ; I tell thee thou (halt have 
it. [Fantome goes in* ^ 

Ab. No more words Vanifh, vanilh. 

Enter Lady. 

Ah, [Opening ihedoor,^ Oh, dear madam, was it you 
that made fuch a knocking? My heart does fo beat— 

I vow you have frighted me to death 1 thought 

verily it had been the drummer. 

Lady, 1 have been (bowing the garden to Mr. Tin- 
feV: He's moil infufFerably witty upon us about this 
ftory of the dlrum* 

A 6 Ab. 



13 ' THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Ah. Indeed, madam, he's a' very loofe man : Pm 
afraid 'tis he that hinders my poor mailer from refting 
in his grave. 

Laiiy, Well, an Infidel is fuch a novelty in the coun- 
try, that I am refolv'd te divert myfelf a day or two 
at leaft with the oddnefs of his.converfation. 
- Jh. Ah, madam I the drum began to beat in the 
houfe as foon as ever this creature was admitted to vi- 
iit you. All the while Mr. Fan tome made his ad- 
drelTes to you there was not a moufe ilirring in the fa- 
mily more than us'd to be 

Lady, This bacrgage has (bmc defign upon me, morf 

than ] can yetdiicover. [Afide,'[ Mr. Fantome was 

always thy favourite, 

Jb. Ay, and fhould have been yours too, by my 
'confent ! Mr. Fan tome was not fuch a flight fantafticlc 

thing as this is Mr. Fantome was (he beft buih 

man one fhould fee in a fummer's day ! Mn Fantom* 
was a man of honour, and^Iov'd you. Poor foul, how 
has he figh'd when he has talk'd to me of my hard- 
hearted lady — Well ! I'd as lief as a thoufand pound 
you would marry Mr. Fantome. 

Lady, To tell thee truly, I lov'd him well enough 
till I found he lov'd me fo much. But Mr. Tinfel 
makes his court to me with fo much negledl and in- 
difference, and with fuch an agreeable faucinefs— Not 
that I fay Til marry him. 

Jh. Marry him, quoth-a I No, if you fhould, you'll 
be awaken'd fooner than married couples generally are 
— You'll quickly have a drum at your window. 

Lady, ril hide my contempt of Tinfel for once, if 
it be but to fee what this wench diives at. [J/:de. 

Ab. Why, fuppofe your hufband,- after this fair 
warning he has given you, fhould found you an alarm 
' at midnight ; then open your curtains with a face as 
pale as my apron, and cry cut with a hollow voice. 
What dolt thou do in bed with this fpindle-fhank'd 
fellow ? 

Lady. Why wilt thou needs have it to be my huf- 
band ? He never had any reafon to be offended at me. 
1 always lov'd him while he was living; and fhoukl 

prefer 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. j^ 
prefer Uln to any man, were he Co ftill. Mr. Tinfel 
is indeed veryidie in his talk ; but I fancy Abigail^ a 
difcreet woman might reform him. 

^^. That's a likely matter indeed I Did you evej 
hear of a womah who had power over a man when (he 
was his wife, that had none while fhe was his miftrefs ? 
Oh ! there's nothing in the world improves a man in 
his complaifance, like marriage ! 

L^fy. He is, indeed, at prefent, too familiar in his 
converfation. 

j^S. Familiar ! madam ; in troth, he's downright 
xtadc. " 

Zoify. But that, you know, Abigail, ihews he has no 

diifimulation in him Then he is apt to jell a litdi» 

too much upon erave fubjedts. 

j^S. Grave fubjeAs ! he jells upon the church. 

* Lady. But that you know, Abigail, may be only 

* to fhcw hia wit Then it muft be own'd he's ex- 

* tremely talkative. 

' M, Talkative, d'ye call it I he's downright xni- 
' pertinent. 

' Lady. But that you know, Abigail, is a fign he 

* has been us'd tq good company — Then indeed he is 

* very potitive. 

* Jk Pofitivel why, he contradids you in every 

* thing you fay. 

' Lady. But then you know, Abigail, he has been 

* educated at the Inns of Court. 

* J^. A blefl'ed education indeed! it has made him 

* forget his catechifni I' 

Lady. You talk as if you hated him. 

M. You ta,Ik as if you lov'd him. 

La^. Hold your tongue ; here he comes^ 

Enter Tinfel. 
Tin, My dear widow I 

jfS. My dear widow! marry come up ! . [-^//r. 
Lady. Let him alone, Abigail ; fo long as he does 
not call me my dear wife, there's no harm done. 
27». I have been moft ridiculoufly diverted fmce I 

left you Your fervants have made a convert of my 

'booby: his head is fo fiil'd with this foolilh ilory of a 

drummer> 



14 THE DRUMMER: Or, 

drummer, that I expeft the rogue will be afiraid 
hereafter to go upon a meiTage by moon-light. 

Laily. Ah, Mr. Tinfel, what a lofs of billet^onz 
would that be to many a fine lady I 

Ah, Then you ftill believe this to be a fooliih fto- 
ry ? I thought my lady had told you that ihe had 
heard it herfelf. 

Tin. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Ah. Why, you wou'd not perfuade us out of our 
fen fes ! 

Tin. Ha, ha, ha 1 

Ab. There's manners for you, madam. [AfiJe^. 

Lady. Admirably rally'd ! that laugh is unanfwer- 
able 1 Now 1*11 be hang'd if you could forbear being 
witty upon me, if I fhould tell you I heard it no 
longer ago than lafl night. 

Tin. Fancy ! 

Lady. But what if I fhould tell you my maid was 
with me ! 

Tin. Vapours ! vapours I Pray, my dear widow, 

will you anfwer me one queftion ? Had you ever 

this noife of a drum in your head all the while your 
httlband was living ? 

* Lady. And pray, Mr. Tinfel, will you let mc 
' afk you another queflion ? Do you think we can 

* hear in the country as well as you do in town \ 

* Tin.^ Believe me, madam, I could prefcribeyoo 
a cure for thefe imaginations. 

Ah. Don't tell my lady of imaginations, fir, I have 
heard it myfelf. 

Tin. Hark thee, child — art thou not an old maid ? 

Ah. Sir, if I am, it is my own fault. 

Tin. Whims ! freaks ! megrims ! indeed, Mrs* 
Abigail. 

Ah. Marry, fir, by your talk, one wou*d believe 
you thought every thing that was good is a megrim. 

* Lady. Why, truly, I don't very well underlhind 

• what you meant by yourdodlrine to me in the gar- 

• den jjuft now, that every thing we faw was made by 
« chaj^ice. 

' Ab. A very pretty fubjed indeed for a lover ta 

* divert his miftrefs with. 

' Lady. Bttt I fuppofe that was only a tafte of the 

* ^gaverfatioQ 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. i^ 

^ converfacion yon would entertain me with after 

' marriage. 

' 7f«. Oh, I fhall then have time to read you fuch 

'* ledures of motions, atoms, and nature— that yod 

' fhall learn to think as freely as the beft of us, and 

* be convinced, in Icfs than a month, th^t all about 

* us is chance- work. 

' Liuiy. You are a very complaifant perfon indeed \ 
' and To you would make your court to me« by per- 

* fuading me that I was made by chancel 

* Tin. Ha, ha, ha I well faid, my dear! why, 

* faith, thou wert a very lucky hit, that's certain I 

* Lady, Pray, Mr. Tinfel, where did yoa learn 

* this odd way of talking ? 

* Tin. Ah, widow, 'tis your country innocence 
' makes you think It an odd way of talking.' 

Lady, Tho' you give no credit to (lories of appari- 
tions, I hope you believe there are fuch things as ipirits! 

Tin. Simplicity ! 

jih. I fancy you don't believe women liave fouls^ 
d'ye, fir f 
t Tin. Foolifh enough ! 

* Lady, I vow, Mr. Tinfel, I'm afraid malicious 

* people will fay I'm in love with an atheift. 

' 7 //r. Oh, my dear, that's an old*falhion'd word 

* Fm a free-thinker, child ! 

f Ah, I'm fure you are a free-fpeaker ! 

' Lady, Really, Mo Tinfel, confidering that you 

* are fo fine a gentleman, I'm amaz'd where you got 

* all this learning f I wonder it has not fpoil'd your 

* breeding. 

^ Tin To tell you the truth, I have not time to look 
' into thefe dry matters myfelf, but I am convinc'd 

* by four or five learned men, whom I-fometimes 

* overhear at a cofFeehoufe I frequent, that our fore- 

* fathers were a pack of affes, that the world has 
' been in an error for fome thonfands of years, and 

* that all the people upon earth, excepting thofe two 

* or three worthy gentlemen, are impos'd upon, cheat- 

* cd, babbled, abus'd, bamboozled— —> 

< jiff. Madam, how can you hear fuch a profligate f 
/ be talk^ like the London prodigal • 



j$ THE DRUMMER: Of, ' 

* Lady. Why really, Vm a thinking, if there be 
' no fuch things as fpirits, a woman has no occa£oA 
' for marrying— ~She need ncJC be afraid to lie by 
' herfelf. 

' Tin, Ah ! my dear ! are hufbands good for no*- 

* thing bu^to frighten away fpirits ? Doft thou think 

* I could not inftrud thee in feveral other comforts of 

* matrimony. 

' Lady, Ah ! but you are a man of fo much know- 
' ledge, that you would always be laughing at my ig^ 
' norance— You learned men are fo apt to defpife 
' one i . • 

* Tin, No, child ! Pd teach thee my principles, 

* thoii Ihoulft be as wife as I am in a week's time. 

' Lady, Do you think your principles would make 

* a woman the better wife ? 

* Tin, Pr'ythee, widow, don't be qucer^ 

* Lady, I love a gay temper, bUt I would not hav^ 

* you rally things that are ferious. 

* Tin, Weil enough, faith ! where'3 the jeft of 

* rallying any thing elfe ? 

* Ab, Ah, madam, did you ever hear Mr. Fan- 

* tome talk at this rate ? • \,4fiden 
' Tin,'' But Where's this ghoft ! this fon of a whore 

of a drummer ? I'd fain hear him, methinks. 

Ah, Pray, madam, don't fuiFer him to give the 
ghoft fuch ill language, efpecially when you have 
leafon to believe it is my mafter. 

Tin, That's well enough, faith, Nab ; doft think 
thy mafter is fo unreafonable as to continue his claim 
to his relid after his bones are laid I Pray, widow, 
remember the words of your contra^, you have ful- 

fili'd them to a tittle Did not you marry Sir 

George to the tune of U ill death us do part ? 

Lady, I muft not hear Sir George's memory treated 
in fo flight a manner — * This fellow muft have been 

* at fome pains to make himfclf fuch a finifti'd cox^ 
' comb. [Afidci' 

Tin. Give me but pofleffion of your perfon, and I'M 
whirl you up to town for a winter, and cure you at 
once. ' Oh ! I have known many a country lady come 

• to 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. HJp 

* to Lc>adon with frightful flories of the hall-hoafe 

* being haunted, of fairies, fpirits, and witches; 

* t)iat by the time (he had feen a comedy, play'd ac 
' an aiTembly, and ambled in a ball or two, has been 
' fo little afraid of bugbears, that ihe has ventoxed 
' home at all hours of the night* 

' j^b. Hum Sauce- box. [Jfide. 

♦ Tin. 'Tis the folitude of th6 country that crcaCe§ 

* thefe whimfies ; there w&s never fuch a thing as a 

* ghoft heard of at London, except in the play» 
' houfe'— Oh, we'd pafs all our time in London. 
Tis the fcene of plearure and diverfions, whvrr 
there's fomethins; to amufc you cvtty hour of tht 
day. Lifer's not life in the country. 

. Lady* Well then, you have an opportunity of Ihew- 
ingthe fincerity of that love to me which you profefs. 
Too iQay give a proof that you have an aifedion. to 
ayperfon, not my jointure. 

Tin. Your jointure ! How can you think njc fnch 
a dog \ But, child ! won't your jointure be the &nui 
tiling in London as in the country ? 

LaJy. No, you're deceived { You muft know^ it is 
fettlecf on me by marriage-articles, on condition that! 
live in this old^maniion-houfe, and keep it up in repair^ 
Tin. How! 

M. That's well put, madam. 
Tin. Why, faith, I have been looking upon thig 
hdufe, ,and think it is the prettieflr habitation I ever 
few in my life. 

' Lady. Ay, but then this cruel drum ! 
Tin. Something fo venerable in it ! 
LaJy. Ay,* but the drum ! ' 
Tin. For my part, I like this Gothic way of build- 

^ng better than any of your new orders it would 

be a thoufand pities it fliould fall to ruin. 
Lady. Ay, but the drum \ ' 

Tin* How pleafantly we two could pafs our time ia 
this delicious fituation ! Our lives wou'd be a con- 
tinued dream of happin"fcfs. Come, faith, widow, let's 
go upon the leads, and take a view of the country. 
Lady. Ay, but the drum 1 the drum ! 

Tin. 



tt THE, DRUMMER: Or, ^ 

7V«. My dear, take my word for*t 'tis allfandf: 

befides, fhould he drum in thy very bed-chamber^ I 

ihou'd only hug thee the clofer. 

Clafp^d in tbi folds of love y V 4 meet my doom, 
Jnd aS my joy $ tbo* thunder Jhook the roomw 

[Exeum^ 



ACT II. SCENE opens and difco'vers Vellum im 
bis office, and a letter in his hand. 

VeU nr^HIS letter aftonifheth ; may I believe my. 

. X. o\yn eyes— or rather m^ fpe^cles— ^ 
Humphry Vellum, Efq\ Ste*ward to the Lady Truman* 

Vellum, 

/ doubt not but you will be glad tp bear your mafier is 

«&*<&/, and defigns to beioithyou in half an hour. , Wr 

report of my being Jlain in the Netbertands AoSm 1 find^. 

froditcedjome dijorders in my family. I am nonj at th$ 

^ Inn : i' 



i}eorge fnn: if an old man 9 with a grey beard, in A. 
black cloak, inquires after you, gi've him admittanC0% 
Be pajfes for a conjurer, but is really 

Tour faithful friend, G. Trttman. . 

P, S* Let this be a fecret, and you Jhall find your aC" 

count in it. 
This amazeth me ! and yet the reafons whv I (hould 
believe he is ftill living are manifold — Firft, becaufe 
this has often been the cafe of other military adven- 
turers. 

Secondly, becaufe this news of his death was firft 
publifh'd in Dier's letter. 

Thirdly, becaufe this letter can be written by none 
but Kimfelf — I know his hand and manner of fpel- 
ling. 

Fourthly 

Enter Butler. 
But, Sir, here's a ftrange old gentleman that aflcs 
for you; he fays he's a conjurer, but he looks very 
fufpicious ; I wiih he ben't a Jefuit. 
Fd, Admit him immediately. 
But, I wifh he ben't a Jefuit ; but he fay^ he*s no- 
thing but a conjurer. * 
■ VeL 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. f$ 

#V/. He fays right— He is no more than a con- 
jurer., firing him in and withdraw. [Exit Butler. 

And fourthly. As 1 was faying, Becaule— — 
Enur ButUr ivith Sir George. 

Bui, Sir, here is the conjurer— What a devilifh 
long beard he has ! I warrant it has been growing 
theie hundred years« [Afide. Exit, 

Sir G. Dear Vellum, you have received my letter j 
bat before we proceed, lock the door. 

/V/. It is his voice, [S^u/s tke door. 

Sir G. In the next place, help me off with this 
cumberfome cloak. 

FiL It is his fhape. 

iS/r G. So, now lay my beard upon the table. 

VeL [After having look'd on Sir George tbnf hi$^ 
J^iBacUs,\ It is his face, every lineament ! 
. SimG^ Well now, I have put off the oonjarer «nd 
the old man, I can talk to thee more at my eafe. ' 

VeL Believe me, my good mailer, I am as much 
r^oicM to fee you alive, as I was upon the day yoa 
were bom. Your name was in all the news-papers* 
in the liH of thofe that were (lain. 
. Sir G. We have not time to be particular. I fli^ll 
only tell. thee in general, that 1 was taken prifoner 
\x\ the battle, and was under clofe confinement fevc- 
ral months. Upon my relcafe, I was refolv'd to fur- 
prife my wife with the news of my being alive, I 
know. Vellum^ you are a perfon of fo much penetra- 
tion, that f need not ufe any further arguments to 
«02fvince you that I am fo. 

, VeL I am — and moreover I queftion not but your 
good lady will likewife be convinc'd of it. Her ho- 
nour is a difcerning lady. 

Sir G, I'm only afraid fhe fhould be convinc'd of 
it to her forrow. Is not Ihe pleas'd with her imagi- 
nary widowhood ? Tell me truly, was Ihe afilidtcd at 
fhe report of my death f 
: VeL Sorely. 

S/r G. How long did her grief laft ? 

VeL Longer than I have known any widow's— -• 
tt leafl three days. 

Sir G. 



w THE DRUMMBR: Or, 

Sir G. Three days, fay*ft thou? Three wliole dtjrt! 
I'm afraid thou flattereft mel-r—O woman !. w«>'* 
man ! ' 

f^e/. Grief is twofold. 

Sir G. This blockhead is as methodical as cvcp-r 
but I know he's honeft. [^</<^ 

/W. 'f here is a real grief, and there is a methodical 
grief: (he was d^o^vn'd in tears till Aich time as thft 
taylor had made her widow's weedt«-««— -Indeed theyi 
became her. 

SirG. Became her t and was that her comfiicci 
Truly a moft feafonable confolatioa ! 

FeL But I muft needs fay fhe paid a dhie regard^to 
your memory, and could not forbear weeping whien 
iha faw company. 

Sir G. That was kind indeed! I find: fhe grkv^4. 
wkh a gteu d«al of good>bf«eding. BttcMow omi;^' 
this gang of krvecs iSoai her ? 

Fd, Her joiiitiire ia con£idera]iIei. 

^>G. How this fbd tiormente mol: fj^SlUK^ 

Vek Her i^ess^XL is amiable^-*-*-^ 

SirG. Death! . \J^^ 

Fil. But hev chara£kr is unblemii&'«f. s£e hat 
been as virtuoos in youv abience a< a PeneHiopc «-•*-• ^ 

Sir G. And has had as many fnitXMrs; 

FeL Several have made thttif on^eitares* . 

Sir G. Several ! 

FeL But fhe has rejedbd all. . .^ 

Sir G. There thou revWft me ; but what meant 
this Tinfel ? Are his vifits acceptable ^ 

FeL He is young. 

Sir G. Does ihe liften to him ? 

Fel, He is gay. 

Sir G, Sure ihe could never entertain a thought of 
marrying fuch a coxcomb ! 

Fel. He is not ill made. 

Sir G. Are the vows and proteftations that pafs*d, 
between us come to this 1 I can't bear the thought 
of it I Is Tinfd the man defign'd for my worthy luc- 
ceHbr ? 



TH« HAUNTED HOUSE. si 

JW. You do not confider that you have been dead 
thefe fourteen month*—— 

Sir G. Was there ever fuch a dog ? [Jfide* 

Vil, And I have often heard her fay, that fhe muft 
never exped to find a fecond Sir George Truman-— 
meaning your ho— nour. 

Sir G, i chink fhe lovM me ; but I mud fearch into 
this ftory of the Drummer, before I difcover myfelf 
to her. I have put on this habit of a conjurer, in or- 
der to introduce myfclf. It mull be your buiinefs to 
recommend me as a mod profound peHbn, that by my 
great knowledge in the curious arts, can filence thtt 
drummei", and difpo^fs the houfe. 

VeL I am going to lay my accounts before my lady, 
and I will endeavour to prevail upon her ho— nour to 
admit the trial of your art. 

Sir G. I have fcarce heard of any of thefe dories 
diat did not arife from a love intrigue— Amourt 
raife as many ghofts as murders. 

fW, Mrs. Abigail endeavours to perfuade us, thaC 
'tis your ho— nour who troubles the houfe. 

Sir G. That convinces me 'tis a cheat ; fori think^ 
Vellum, I may be pretty well afTur'd it is not me. 

FeL 1 am apt- to think fo truly. Ha— ha— ha ! 

Sir G. Abigail had always an afcendant over her 
lady, and if there is a trick in this matter, depend up- 
on it fhe is at the bottom of it. 1*11 be hang'd if this 
ghoft be not one of Abigail's familiars. 

Fel. Mrs. Abigail has of late been very myflerious. 

Sir G. I fancy. Vellum, thou couldfl worm it out 
of her. I know formerly there was an amour between 
you. 

Fel, Mrs. Abigail hath her allurements, and fhe 
knows I have pick'd up a competency in your ho- 
nour's fcrvice. 

' Sir G. If thou haft, all I alk of thee, in return, is, 
that thou wouldft immediately renew thy addreffes to 
her. * Coax her up.* Thou haft fuch a filver tongue. 
Vellum, as 'twill be impoffible for her to withftand. 
Befides, fhe is fo very a woman, that fhe'll like thee 
the better for giving her the plcafure X)f telling a fe- 

cret. 



as THE DRUMMER: Or, . 

tret. In fhort« wheedle her out of it> and I ihall a2 
by the advice which thou giveft me. 

FeL Mrs. Abigail wa« never deaf to me, when 
talk'd npon that fubjedt. I will take an opportunir 
of addreiTing myfelf to her in the moft pathetic man 
ner. 

Sir G. In the mean time lock me up in your of 
fice, and bring me word what fuccefs you hare- 
Well, fvire I am the£ri: that ever was employed to. la 
himfelf. 

FeJ. You ^£1 indeed a threefold part in this honic 
you are a gholt, aconjurer^ and my ho— nour'd maile 
Sir George Truman ; he, he, he I You will pardo 
me for being jocular. 

Sir G. Oh, Mr. Vellum, wixh all my heart. Yo 
know I love you men of wit and humour. Be a 
merry as thou pleafeil, fo thou doil thy bufinefs. [Mt 
piicking him.] You will remember. Vellum, your com 
million is twofold, iir(l to gain admiifion for me t 
your lady, and focondly, to get tlic fecret out of Abi 
gail. 

f'ek It fufficeth. 

ne SCENE Mf^ 
Enter Lady /ola. 

Lady. Women who have been happy in a firft m» 
riage, are the moll apt to venture upon a feconc 
But for my part, I had a hufband fo every way fuitc 
to my inclinations, that I muft entirely forget hire 
before I can like another man. I have now been 
widow but fourteen months, and have had twice a 
many lovers, all of *em profeft admirers of my pei 
fon, but paffionaiely in love with my jointure, 
think it is a revenge I owe my fex, to make an exam 
pic of this worthlefs tribe of fellows, * who- grow in 

• pudent, drefs themfelves fine, and fancy we ai 

• oblig*d 10 provide for 'em. But of all my captive 
' Mr. Tinfci is the moft extraordinary in his kinc 

• I hope the divcifion I give myfelf with him is ur 
f blameabie. Tm fure 'tis nccefTary to turn m 

* though; 



THE HAONTED HOUSE: «| 

* thouehts off from the memory of that dear man, 
' who has been the greateft happinefs and afllidUon of 
' my life. M^ heart would be a prey to melancholy, 
' if I did not find thefe innocent methods of relieving 

* it/ But here comes Abigail, I muft teaze the bag- 
gage , for I find (he has taken it into her head that 
I'm entirely at her difpofal. 

Enter Abigail. 
M. Madam ! madam ! yonder's Mr. Tinfel has as 
good as taken polTeilion of your houfe. Marry, he 
lays, he mull have Sir George's apartment enlarged ; 
fbr truly, fays he, 1 hate to be ftraiten'd. Nay, he 
was fo impudent as to (hew me the chamber where he 
intends to confummate, as he calls it. 
La^y. Well ! he's a wild fellow. 
idi^. Indeed he's a very fad man, midam. 

Laify. He's young, Abigail, 'tis a thoufand pities 
he fhould be loll ; 1 ihould be mighty glad to reform 
him. 

J6. Reform him ! marry, hang him ! 

Lady. Has not he a great deal of life ? 

J6* Ay, enough to make your heart ake. 

Lady. I dare fay thou think'fl him a very agreeable 
fellow. 

JS. He thinks hirafelf fo, I'll aniWer for him. 

Lady. He's very good-natur'd. 

M. He ought to be fo, for he's very fiUy. 

Lady, Dofl thou think he loves me ? 

M. Mr. Fantome did, I am fare. 

Lady. With what raptures he talk'd ! 

M. Yes, but 'twas in praife of your jointare-houfe« 

Lady. He has kept bad company. 

M. They muft be very bad indeed, if they were 
Korfe than himfelf. 

Lady. I have a ftrong fancy a good woman might 
reform him. 

M. It wou'd be a fine experiment, if it (hou'd not 
facceed. 

Lady. Well, Abigail, we'll talk of that another 
time ; here comes the fteward, I have no further oc- 
caiioQ for you at prefent, [E^fit Abigail. 

Enter 



9(^ THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Enter VclliMn. 
FeL Madam, is your ho-nour at leiAire to look in- 
to the account of the laft week ? They rife very high 

Houfe-keeping is chargeable in a houfe that it ' 

haunted. 

Liufy, How comes that to pafs ? I hope the dram 
neither eats nor drinks ! But read your account. Vel- 
lum. 

FeL [Putting »n and of ^tt fpeSacUs in this fcem.^ 
A hogfhead and a halt of ale it is not for the 
ghoft's drinking — but your ho-nour's fervants fay they 
muft have fbmething to keep up their courage againft 
this ftrange noife. They tell me they expeft a doa- 
ble quantity of malt in their fmall-beer, fo long as 
the houfe continues in this condition. 

Lady. . At this rate they'll take care to be frighten 'd 
all the year round, I'll anfwer for 'em. But go on. 
FeL Item, Two fheep, and a — Where is the oxf— « 

Oh, here I have him and an ox Your ho-nour 

muft always have a piece of cold beef in the houfe» 
for the entertainment of fo many Grangers, who come 
from all parts to hear this drum. Item, Bread, ten 
peck loaves— They cannot eat beef without bread— 
Item, Three barrels of table-beer — They muA have 
drink with their meat. 

Lady. Sure no woman in England has a fteward 
that makes fuch ingenious comments on his works. 

[j^Jlde. 
Vel. Item, To Mr. Tinfel's fervants five bottles of 
port wine — It was by your ho-nour's order^-^-^Itim^ 
three bottles of fack, for the ufe of Mrs. Abigail. 
Lady. I fuppofe that was by your own order. 
Fel. We have been long. friends, we arc your ho- 
nour's antient fervants. Sack is an innocent cordial^ 
and gives her fpirit to chide the fervants, when they 
are tardy in their buiinefs ; he, he, he ! pardon mt 
for being jocular. 
Lady. Well, I fee you'll come together at laft. 
FeJ. Item, A dozen pounds of wax lights, for the 
:ufe of the fervants. 

Lady. For the ufe" of the fervants ! What art thm 
9 rogues 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. t( 

#ognes afraid of fleeping in the dark ! What an un- 
fortunate woman am I ! This is fuch a particular 
diilrefsj it puts me to my wits end. Vellum, what 
wou'd you advife me to do ? 

VeL Madam, your ho-nour has two points to con* 
iider. Imprimis^ To retrench thcfe extravagant ex« 
pences, which fo many itrangers bring upon you. 
Secondly y To clear the houfe of this invifible drummer. 
Lady. This learned diviiion leaves me juil as wife 
as I was. But how mull we bring thcfe two points to 
bear? 

VeL I befecch your ho-«our to give me the hearing. 
Ladf. I do. But pr'ythee t^e pity on me, and 
be not tedious. 

VeL I will be concife. There is a certain perfon 
arrived this mornings an aged man, of a venerable 
afped, and of a long hoary beard, that reacheth down 
to his girdle. The common people call him a wizard, 
a white-witch, a conjurer, a cunning-man, a necro- 
mancer, a < 

Lady. No matter for his titles. But what of all 
this ? 

VeL Give me the hearing, good my lady ! he pre- 
tends to great (kill in the occult fciences, and is come 
hither upon the rumour of this drum. If one may 
believe him, he knows the fecrct of laying ghofls, or 
of quieting houfes that are haunted. 

Lady* Pho, 'thefe are idle ilories, to amufe the 
country-people, this can do us no good. 
VeL It can do us no h^rm, my lady. 
Lady. I dare fay thou dofl not believe there is any 
thing in it thyfelf. 
» VeL I cannot fay I do ; there is no danger how- 
ever in the experiment. Let him try his (kill ; if it 
iboa'd facceed, we are rid of the drum ; if it (hou'd 
not, we may tell the world that it has, and by that 
means at lead get out of this expen(ive way of living ; 
ib that it mull turn out to your advantage, one way 
or another. 

Lady. I tliink you arjg^ue very rightly. But wher« 
is the man I I would fain fee him 1 He muO: be a cu- 
riosity. 

B /W. 



m6 the DRUMMER: Or, 

FiL I have already difcoors'd him^ and he is td be 
with me,^ in my ofEce^ half an hour hence. He alks 
nothing for his pains till he has done his work; no 
cure, no money. 

Liufy. That circnmfUnce/ I maft confefs, wou'd 
make one believe there is more in his art than one 
would imagine. Pray^ Vellum, go and fetch him 
hither immediately. 

/W. I am gone. He (hall be forth-coming forth- 
with. [Exeunf0 
Enter Butler, Coachman, an^ Gardener. 

Mut. Rare news, my lads, rare news I 

Garii. What's die matter f hail thou got any moro 
vales for us ? 

Mut. No, 'tis better than that. » 

Coach. Is there another ilranger come to the honfe f 

But* Ay, fdch a firanger as will make all our lives 
eafy. 

Card. What ! Is he a lord ! 

But. A lord ! No, nothing like it— He's a conjurer. 

C§ach. A conjurer ! what, is he come a wooing to 
my lady ? 

But, No, no^ you fool ; he's come a purpofe to lay 
the fpirit. 

Coach. Ay marry, that's good news indeed : but 
where is he ? 

But, He is lock'd up with the fteward in his office^ 
they are laying their heads together vtry clofe« I 
fancy they are calling a figure. 

Gar J, Pr'ythee, John, what fort of a creature is a 
conjurer ? 

But, Why, he's made much as other men are, if it 
was not for his long grey beard. 

Coach, Look ye, Peter, it Hands with reafon, that a 

conjurer (hould have a long grey beard for did yc 

ever know a witch that was not an old woman ? 

Gard, Why I remember a conjurer once at a fair, 
that to my thinking was a very fmock-fac'd man, and 
yet he fpew'd out fifty yards of green ferret. I fancy, 
John, if choud'll get him into the pantry, and give 
him a cup of ale, he'd ihew us a few tricks. Doft 

think 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. tf 
tiiink we coo'd not perfuade him to rwaHow one of 
thy cafe-knives for his diverilon 1 He'll certainly btriug 
it up again. 

JBut. Peter ! thou art fuch a wife-acre ! Thou doft 
not know the difference between a conjurer and a jug- 
ler. This man mull be a very great mailer ot his 
trade. His beard is at lead half a yard long, he's 
dre/Ted in a flrange dark cloke^ as black as a coal : 
your conjurer always goes in mourning. 

Gar J. Is he a gentleman ? Had he a fword by hi^ 
fide? 

But. No, no, he's too grave a man for that ; a 
conjurer is as grave as a judge— but he had a long 
* white wand in his hand. 

Coach, You may be fure there's a good deal of virtue 
in that wand 1 fancy 'tis made out of witch-elm. 

Gard, 1 warrant you if the ghoft appears, he'll 
whiik ye that wand before his eyts, and ftrike you 
the drum-flick out of his hand. 

But. No ; the wand, look ye, is to make a circle^ 
tnd if he once gets the ghoft in a circle, then he hag 
him— let Mim get out again if he can; A circle, yoii 
mufl know, is a conjurer's trap. 

Coach. But what will he do with him, when he has 
him there ? 

But, Why, then he'll overpower him with his learn- 
ing. 

Gard, If he can once compafs him, and get him in 
Lob's pound, he'll make nothing of him, but fpeak a 
few hard words to him, and perhaps bind him over to 
his good behaviour, for a thoufand years. 

Coach, Ay, ay, he'll fend him packing to his grave 
again,' with a flea in his ear, I warrant him. 

But, No, no, I wou'd advife madam to fpare no 
coft. If the conjurer be but well paid, he'll take 
pains upon the ghofl, and lay him, look ye, in the Red 
Sea — and then he's laid for ever. 

Coach, Ay marry, that would fpoil his drum for him. 
- Gard, Why John, there muft be a power of fpirits 
in that fame Red Sea— I warrant ye they are as 
plenty as fifh. 

B 2 Coach, 



tS THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Ccacb. Well, I wifh, after all, that he may not he 
too hard for the conjurer ! I'm afiaid he'll find a tough 
bit of work on't. 

Gard, I wi(h the fpirit may not carry a comer of the 
houfe off with him. 

But. As for that, Peter, you may be fure that the 
fleward has made his bargain with the cunning-man, 
before-hand, that he fhall (land to all cofh and da- 
mages. — But hark ! yonder's Mrs. Abigail, we fhall 
have her with us immediately, if we do not get off. 

Gard, Ay, lads I if we could get Mrs. Aoigail well 
laid too— we fhould lead merry lives. 

For to a man like me that's (lout and bold, 

A ghoft is not fo dreadful as a fcold. [Exeunt. 



ACT III. SCENE opens, and di/covers Sir George 
in Vellum's Office. 

Sir G. T Wonder I don't hear of Vellum yet. Bat I 
. X know his wifdom will do nothmg ra(hly« 
The fellow has been fo us'd to form in boiinefs, that 
it has infected his whole converfation. Byt I maft not 
find fault with that pundual and exa6l behaviour^ 
which has been of fo much ufe to me ; my eftate is 
the better for it. [Enter Vellum.] Well, Vellum^ 
I'm impatient to hear your fuccefs. 

Fel. Firft let me lock the door. 

>Sir G. Will your lady admit me ? 

FeL If this lock is not mended foon, it will be quite 
ipoiled. 

Sir G. Pr'ythee let the lock alone at prefentj and 
anfwer me. 

FeL Delays in bufinefs are dangerous — I muft fend 
for the fmith next week — and in the mean time will 
take a minute of it. 

Sir G. But what fays your lady ? 

Fel. This pen is naught, and wants mending 
My lady, did you fay ? 

Sir G. Does (he admit me f 

Fel. 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 19 

VeL I have gained admiffion for yoa as a conjurer. 

Sir G, That's enough ! I'll gain admiffion for my- 

If as a hufband. Does (he believe there's any thing 

t my art? 

FeL It is hard to know what a woman believes* 

SirG, Did (he a& no queftions about me f 

Vel. Sundry— She dcfires to talk with you herfelf, 
^fqreyou enter upon your buftnefs. 

Sir G. But when ? 

Vil, Immediately; this inftant. 

Sir G. Pugh. What haft thou been doing all this 
while f Why didft not tell me fo f Give me my clokt 
•iN-Have yott met with Abigail ^ 

Fel. 1 have not yet had an opportunity of talking 
with her. But we have interchanged fome languifliing 
glsmces. 

Sir G. Let thee alone for that» Vellum. I have 
fbrinerly fcen thee ogle her through thy fpeftacles. 
Well I this is a moft venerable cloke. After the bu(i« 
nefs of this day is over, I'll make thee a prefent of ic 
Twill becoihe thee mightily, , • 

FeL He, he« he I wou'd you make a conjurer of 
your fteward f 

Sir G. Pr'ythee don't be jocular^ I'm in hafte. 
Help me on with my beard. 

FeL And what will your ho-nour do with your caft 
beard ? 

^/> G. Why, faith, thy graiaty wants only fuch a 
beard to it ; if thou would'ft wear it with the 9loke» 
thod would'ft make a moft compleat heathen philofo- 
pher. But where's my wand ? 

FeL A fine taper ftick I It is well chofen. I will 
keep this till you are (herifF of the county. It is not 
my cuftom to let any thing be loft. 

Sir G. Come, Vellum, lead the way. You n^uft 
introduce me to your lady. Thou'rt the fitteft fellow 
hi the world to be matter q{ the ceremonies to a con- 
jurer. [Exeunt. 

Enter Abigail crojjing the ftage. Tinfel following. 
Tin. Nabby, Nabby, whither fo faft, child ? 

B 3 M. 



30 THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Ah, Keep yoDr hands to youHelf. I'm going !• 
call the fteward to mj lady. 

97jv. What, Goodman Twofold ? I met him walk- 
ing with a fbange old fellow yonder. I fuppofe hd 
belongs to the family too. He looks very antique. He 
moil be fome of the forniture of this old manfion- 
honie. 

Ah, What does the man mean ? Don't think to 
palm me,- as ycu do my lady. 

Tin, Pr'ythee, Nabby, tell me one thing ; what's 
the reafoQ thoa art my enemy P 

Ah, Marry, becaufe Tm a friend to voj lady. 

Tin, Deft thou fee any thing about me thou dot 
not like ? Come hither, hafiy« give me a ki(s. Don*! 
be ill-natur'd. 

Ah. Sir, I know how to be dvil. {KiJfiM i^.]— 
This rogue will carry off my lady, if I don't takt 
care. \Afide^ 

Tin, Thy lips are as foft as velvet, AfaigaiL I 
muft get thee a hufband. 

Ah. Ay, now you don't {peak idly, I can talk t(jh 
you. 

Tin. I have one in my eye for thee. Doft thof 
love a young lufly fon of a whore ? 

Ah, Lud, how you talk ! 

Tin, This is a thundering dog; 

Ah. What is he? 

Tin, A private gentleman* 

Ah, Ay ! where does he live ! 

Tin. In the Horfe-Guards— — But he has one fault 
I mufl tell thee of. If thou can'fl bear with thatj 
he's a man for thy purpofe. ^ 

Ah, Pray, Mr. Tinfel, what may that be ? 

Tin, He's but five-and-twenty years old. 

Ah, *Tis no matter for his age, if he has been well 
educated. 

Tin. No man better, child ; he'll tie a wig, tofi 
a die, make a pafs, and fwear with fuch a grace, 
as would make thy heart leap to hear him. 

Ah, Half thefe accomplifhments will do, provided. 
]ie has an eiUte«-»-'Pray what has he ? 

f7«» 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 51 

Tin. Not a farthing. 

j4b. Pox on him, what do I give him the hearing 
Jbr ! ^ [^Jide. 

Tin. But as for that I would make it up to him. 

Ah. How? 

Tin. Why, look ye, child, as foon as I have mar- 
ried thv lady, I defign to difcharge this old prig of % 
^ewara, and to put this honeft gentleman I am ipeak- 
ing of into his place. 

Ab. [J/iiie.] This fellow's a fool I'll have no 

more to fay to him.— —Hark ! my lady's a coming ? 

Tin. Depend upon it. Nab, Til remember my 
promife. 

. Ab. Ay, and fo will I too— to your coft. [AJti^., 

[Exit Abigail. 

Tim My dear is purely fitted up with a maid— But 
I ihall rid the houfe of her. 

Enter Lady. 

La/fy. Oh, Mr. Tinfel, I am glad to meet you here. 
I am going to give you an entertainment, that won't 
be diiagrceable to a man of wit and pleafurc of th« 
town. There may be fomething diverting in a con- 
▼erfation between a conjurer and this conceited afs* 

[Afiiii. 

Tin. She loves me to diftradion, I fee that. [Afide.1 
•— Pr'ythee, widow, explain thyfelf. 

Lady, You mull know here is a ftrange fort of a 
man come to town, who undertakes to free the houfe 
from this diflurbance. The fleward believes him a 
conjurer. i.^ 

Tin. Ay ; thy fteward is a deep one 1 

La^(y. He's to be here immediately It is indeed 
an odd figure of a man. 

Tin. Oh ! I warrant you he has fludied the black 
art ! Ha, ha, ha ! Is he not an Oxford fcholar ?— 
Widow, thy houfe is the moft extraordinarily inha- 
bited of any widow's this day in Chriftendom. 1 

think thy four chief domeftics are — a wither'd Abi- 
gail — a fuperannuated fteward — a ghoft— and a con- 
jurer. 

Lai(y. [Mimicking Tinfel.'] And you would have it 
B 4 inhabited 



3^ THE DRUMMER: Or, 

inhabited by a fifth, who is a Bipre extnordiniij 
perfon than any of all thefe four. 

Tim, 'Tis a fare fign a woman loves yon, wIms 
Ihe imiutes your manner. [Jfi4leJ]^ThoQ^xt yrtrj 
fmart, my dear. But fee ! fmoke the dodor. 
£x/er Vellum, atul Sir George im bisctrnjum^s hmiii. 
Vel. I will introduce this profound perfon to your 
ladyihip, and then leave him with you— — *Sir, chit 
is her ho-nour. 

Sir G. I know it well. [Exii Velliun* 

[jf/Sde, 'waUdttg in a mujing pofturtJ} That dear wo* 
man, the fight of her unmans me. I cou'd weep fop 
tendemefs, did not J, at the fame time, foel an in* 
dignation rife in me, tm fee that wretch after her i 
and yet I cannot but fmile to fee her in the company 
•f her fixfk and fecond hufband at the fame time. 

Lady, Mr. Tinfel, do you fpeak to him ; yoa art 
us'd to the company of men of learning. 

Tpt. Old gentleman, thou dofl not look like aa 
inhabitant of this world ; I fuppofe thou art lately 
come down from the ftars. Pray, what news is ftiiw 
ring in the Zodiac ? 

Sir G, News that ought to make the heart of • 
coward tremble. Mars is now entering into the firft 
houfe, and will ibortly appear in all his domal dig* 

pities 

Tin. Mars ? Pr'ythee, Father Grey-beard, explaia 
thyfelf. 

Sir G. The entrance of Mars into his houfo, p<H*- 
tends the entrance of a mailer into this family- ■ — 
and that foon. 

Tin, D'ye hear that, widow ? The ftars have cut 
me out for thy hufband. This houfe is to have a 
maflcr, and that foon — Hark thee, old Gad bur)' ? 
Is not Mars very like a young fellow caird Tom 
Tinfel ? 

Sir G. Not fo much as A'enus is like this lady. 
Tin. A word in your ear, dodor ; thefe two pla- 
nets will be in conjunction by and by ; 1 can tell 
VQU that. 

' ^/> G. [#^0 waking difturb"d,\ Curfe on this 

impertinent 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. jj 

impertinent fop ! I fhall fcarce forbear difcoverinor 
ih^felf— Madam, I am told that your houfe is vifitea 
with ftranee noifes. 

Latfy, And I am told that you can quiet them. I 
muft-confers I had a curiofity to fee the perfon I had 
lieard fo much of; and, indeed, your afpedk (hews 
that you have had much experience in tha world. 
You muft be a very aged man. 

^/r G. My afpedl deceives you : what do you think 
15 my real age ? 

Tin. I ihould guefs thee within three years of Me- 
thufelah. Pr'ythee cell me. Waft not thou born be- 
fore the Flood ? 

Ladj, Truly I fhould guefs you to be in your fe- 
cond or third century. * I warrant you, you have 
• great grand-children with beards a foot long.* 

iS/r G. Ha, ha, ha! If there be truth in man, I 
was but £ve-and- thirty lafl AuguiL O ! the fludy 
of the occult fciences makes a man's beard grow fafter 
than you wou'd imagine. 

Lady. What an efcape you have had, Mr. Tinfel, 
that you were not bred a fcholar ! 

Tin. And fo I fancy, do6lor, thou think'fl me an 
illiterate fellow, becaufe I have a fraooth chin ? 

SirG. Hark ye, fir, a word in your ear. You are 
a coxcomb, by all the rules of phyfiognomy : but let 
that be a fecret between you and me. [Jfic/e to Tinfel. 

La^. Pray, Mr. Tinfel, what is it the dodlor 
whifpers f 

Tin. Only a compliment, child, upon two or 
three of my features. It does not become me to re- 
peat it. * . 

Lady. Pray, dodor, examine this gentleman's 
face^ and tell me his fortune. 

Sir G. If I may believe the lines of his face, he 
likes it better than I do, or— than you do, fair lady. 

Tin. Widow, I hope now thou'rt convinced he's a 
cheat. 

Lady. For my part, I believe he's a witch— go 
OQj dodlor. * 

Sir G, He will be crofs'd in love ; and that foon. 
B 5 , yV^- 



54 THE DRUMMEiR: Of, ' 

TiVi, Pr'ychee, Dodor, tell us the truth. Dot 
not thou live in Moorfields ? 

Sir G, Take my word for it, thou flialt never live 
in my Lady Truman's manfion-houfe. 

Tift, Pray, old gentleman,, haft thou never beea 
pluck'd by the beard when thou wert faucy ? 

La^y. Nay, Mr. Tinfel; you are angry ! do you 
think I would marry a man that dares not have his 
fortune told? 

^/> G. Let him be angry— I matter not— — Ht 
is but fliort-liv'd. He will foon die of 

Tin. Come, come., fpeak out, old Hocus, he, he, 
he ! This fellow makes me burft with laughing. 

[Forces a laugh. 

Sir G. He will foon die of a fright or of the— 

let me fee your nofe Ay 'tis fo ! 

Tin. You fon of a whore I I'll run ye thro' th» 
body. I never yet made the fun fhine thro' a con- 
jurer 

La^y. Oh, fy ; Mr. Tinfel ! you will not kill aa 
old man ? 

Tin, An old man ! the dog fays he's but fivc-and- 
thirty. 

Lady, Oh, fy ; Mr. Tinfel, I did not think you 
could have been fo paffionatc. I hate a paffionate 
man. Put up your fword, or I muft never fee you 
again. 

Tin. Ha, ha, ha! I was but in jeft, my dear. I 
had a mind to have made an experiment upon the 
do6tor's body. I would but have drill'd a little eye- 
let hole in* it, and have feen whether he had art 
enough to clofe it up again. .^ 

Sir G. Courage is but ill fhown before a lady. But 
know, if ever I meet thee again, thou ihalt find thif 
arm can wield other weapons befides this wand. 

Tin, Ha, ha, ha ! 

Lady. Well, learned fir, you are to give a proof 
•f your art, not of your courage. Or if you will 
iiew your courage, let it be at nine o'clock— ^-fbr 
that is the lime the noife is generally heard. 

Ttfi. An4 look ye, old gentleman^ if thoo doft 

jiot 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. yj 

not do thy bafinefs well, I can tell thee, by the little 
iktll I have, that thou wilt be tofs'd in a blanket 
before ten. We'll do our endeavour to fend thee 
back to the ftars again. 

^/> G. ril go and prepare myfelf for the ceremo* 
nies — And, lady, as you expert they (hou'd fucceed 
to your wiQies, treat that fellow with the contempt 
he dcferves. [Exit Sir George. 

7V«. The faucieft dog I ever talked with in my 
whole life ! 

Liufy, Mcthinks he's a diverting fellow ; one may 
fee he's no fool. 

Tin. No fool ! Ay, but thou doft not take him 
for a conjurer. 

Lady, Truly I don't know what to take him for; 
I am refolv'd to employ him, however. When a 
ficknefs is defperate, we often try remedies that we 
have no great faith in. 

Enter Abigail. 

M, Madam, the tea is ready in the parlour as yoa 
ordered, 

Lady» Come, Mr. Tinfel, we may there talk of 
the fubjedl more at leifure. [Exeunt Lady and Tinfel. 

Abigail fola. 
• Sure never any lady had fuch fcrvants as mine has ! 
Well, if I get this thoufand pound, I hope to have 
fome of my own. Let me fee — Pll have a pretty 
tight girl— jult fuch as I was ten years ago (I'm 
afraid I may fay twenty) flie fhail drefs me and flat- 
ter me — for I will be flatter'd, that's pos ! My lady's 
IN. call fuits will ferve her after I have given them the. 
Kf '^(icing, Befides, when I am worth a thoufand 
''^und, I fhall certainly carry off the fteward — Ma- 
aam Vellum— how prettily that will found \ here, 

bring out Madam Vellum's chaife Nay, I do 

not know but it may be a chariot — It will break the 

attorney's wife's heart for I Ihall take place of 

every body in the parifh but my lady. If I have a 
ion he fhall be call'd Fantome. But fee Mr. Vellum, 
as I cou'd wifh. I know his humour, atid will do 
^ my utmoft to gain his heart. 

i6 Entit 



3^ THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Enter Vellam wtb a pint of fack. 

ViU Mrs. Abigail^ don't I break in upon you ttJI- 
leaibnably ! 

Ab. Oh^ no« Mr. Vellum^ yoor viiits are always 
feafonable ! 

Vel, I have brought with me a tafle of frefh canaiy^ 
which I think is delidoas. 

Ab* Pray fet it down— —I have a dram-glafs juft 
by {Brings in a rumtmr* 

I'll pledge yon ; my lady's good health. 

VeU And your own with it fweet Mrs. Abi^ 

gail. 

Ab. Pray, good Mr. Vellum, buy me a little par- 
cel of this fack, and put it under the article of tear-* 
I would not have my name appear to it. 

VeU Mrs. Abigail, your name feldom appears m 

my bills— and yet if you will allow me a merry 

exprefllon— You have been always in ixiy books, Mrs. 
Abigail. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Ab, Ha, ha, ha ! Mr. Vellum, you are fuch a dry 
jefting man ! 

VeL Why, truly Mrs. Abigail, I have been look* 

ing over my papers and I find you have been a 

long time my debtor. 

Ab, Your debtor 1 For what, Mr. Vellum ! 

VeL For my heart, Mrs. Abigail And our ac- 
counts will not be balanc'd between us till. I have 
yours in exchange for it. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Ab, Ha, ha, ha! You are the moft gallant duo« 
Mr. Vellum. 

Vel, But I am not us'd to be paid by words only, 
Mrs. Abigail ; when will you be out of my debt . 

Ab. Oh, Mr, Vellum, you make one blufh — ^^ 
My humble fervice to you. 

VeL 1 muft anfwer you, Mrs. Abigail, in the 
country phrafe.' Your lo've is/ufficient. Ha, ha^ 

ha! 

Ab, Ha, ha^ ha ! Well, I mufl own, I love a meny 
man ! 

VeL Let me fee, how long is it, Mrs. Abigail^ 
fincc I firit broke my mind to you-— —It was^ I think, 

undedmm 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 3} 

muhcm§ Gttlielmi^'^^We have converfed together 
the(e fifteen years— —and yet« Mrs. Abigail, I moft 
drink to our better acquaintance. He, he, h e 
Mrs. Abigail, you know I am naturally jocofe. 

M. Ah, you men love to make fport with us fillf 
creatures. 

Fel. Mrs. Abigail, I have a trifle about me, which 
I would willingly make you a prefent of. It if in« 
deed but a little toy. 
M. You are always exceedingly obliging. 

F^eL It is but a little toy fcarce worth your 

acceptance. 

jA, Pray don't keep me in fufpence ; what is it^ 
Mr. Vellum ? 

FeL A filvcr thimble. 

M. I always faid Mr. Vellum was a generous 
lover. 

FeL But I mull put it on mvfelf, Mrs. Abigail—— 
You have the prettieft tip ot a finger — I mufl take 
the freedom to falute it. 

' jfS. Oh fy ! you make me afham'd, Mr. Vel- 
' Inm ; how can you do fo ? I protefl I am in fuch a 

' confufion — \^^ ffign^ ^ ftruggk. 

* FtL This finger is not the finger of idlenefs ; it 
' bears the honourable fears of the needle' — But why- 
are you io cruel as not to pair your nails ? 

Ab. Oh, I vow you prefs it fo hard ! pray give me 
my finger again. 

FeU This middle finger, Mrs. Abigail, has a pret- 
ty neighbour—— A wedding-ring would become it 

t^ mightily He, he, he. 

^^ Ab. You're fo full of your jokes. Ay, but where 
muft I find one for't ? 

Fel. I defign this thimble only as the forerunner 
of it, they will fet off each other, and are — ^indeed a 
twofold emblem. The firft will put you in mind of 
being a good houfewife, and the other of being a 
good wife. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Ab. Yes, yes, I fee you laugh at me. 
Fel, Indeed I am ferious. 

M. I thought you had g^uitc forfakea me-^I am 

fure 



S« THE DRUMMER: Or, 

fare yoa cannot forget the many repeated towi tnd 
promifes you formerly made me. 

VeU I fhould as foon forget the multiplication ta- 
ble. 

Ah. I have always taken your part before my lady. 

VeU You have fo, and I have ittm'^ \x in my me- 
mory. 

Ah, For I have always look'd upon your intcreft 
as my own. 

Vel, It is nothing but your cruelty can hinder 
them from being fo. 

Ah, I muft ftrike while the iron's hot. [-^</<f.]— 
Well, Mr. Vellum, there is no refufing you, yoa 
have fuch a bewitching tongue ! 

VeL How ? Speak that again ! 

Ah, Why then, in plain Englifh, I love yoa. 

VeU I am overjoy'd ! 

Ah, I muft own my paffion for you. 

VeL I'm tranfported ! {Catching her in bis arms. 

Ah, Dear charming man ! 

FeL Thou Aim total of all my happinefs ! I fhall 
grow extravagant! I can't forbear I— to drink thy 
virtuous inclinations in a bumper of fack. Your 
lady muft make hafte, my duck, or we Ihall provide 
a young fteward to the eftate, before fhe has an heir 

to it pr'ythee, my dear, does fhe intend to marry 

Mr. Tinfel. 

Ah, Marry him ! my love. No, no ! we muft take 
tare of that ! there wou'd be no ftaying in the houfe 
for us if (he did. That young rake-hell wou'd fend 
all the old fervants a grazing. You and I fhou'd be^ 
difcarded before the honey- moon was at an endv • 

Fel. Pr'ythee, fweet one, does not this drum ptit 
the thoughts of marriage out of her head ? 

Ah* This drum, my dear, if it be well manag*d> 
will be no lefs than a thoufand pound in our way. 

FeL Ay, fay'ft thou fo, my turtle ? 

Ah. Since we are now as good as man and wife--* 
I mean almoft as good as man and wife I ought 
to conceal nothing from you. 

FeL Certainly, my dove, not from thy yoke-fcl- 
low, thy help-mate, thy own fleih and blood ! 

5 Ah 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. j^ 

Ab. Hufli 1 1 hear Mr, Tinfel's laugh ; my lady and 
lie are a coming this way ; if you will take a turn with- 
out, ril tell you the whole contrivance. 

VeL Give me your hand, chicken. 

Ab. Here take it, you have my heart al/eady. 

FeL We (hall have much ilTue. \^Exeunrk 



ACT IV. 

J?«/^ Vellum tf»^/ Butler. 

Vel. JOHN, I have certain orders to give you — and 

J therefore be attentive. 

But. Attentive ! Ay, let me alone for that — I fup- 

pofe he means being fobcr. \^JJidem 

Vel, You know I have always recommended to you 

a method in your bufincfs; I would have your knives 

and forks, your fpoons and napkins, your plate and 

glafles laid in a method. 

• But. Ah, Mailer Vellum, you are fuch a fwect- 
ipoken man, it docs one's heart good to receive your 
crders. 

VeL Method, John, makes bufinefs eafy, it banifhes 
all perplejdty and confufion out of families. 
But. How he talks! I could hear him all day. 
Vil. And now, John, let me know whether your ta- 
ble.linen, your fide- board, your celJar, and every thing 
elfe within your province, are properly and methodi- 
cally cHfjpos'd for an entertainment this evening. 
But. Mafter Vellum, they Ihail be ready at a quar- 
l," ter of an hour's warning. But pray, fir, is this enter- 
t^nment to be made for the conj urer. * 

Vil. It is, John, for the conjurer, and yet it is not 
for the conjurer. 

But. Why, look you. Matter Vellum, if it be for 
the conjurer, the cook-maid fhould have orders to get 
him fome difhes to his palate. Perhaps he may like 
A little brimflone in his fauce. 

Vel. This cdnjurer, John, is a complicated creature, 
an amphibious animal, a perfon of a two- fold nature 
*-Bm he eats and diixiks like other men» 

Buu 



4d THE DRUMMER: Or^ 

Sut. Marry, Mailer Vellum, he fhou'd eat and drink 
. as much as two other men, by the account you give of 
him. 

FeL Thy conceit is not amifs, he is indeed a double 
man, ha! ha! ha! 

But. Ha ! I underftand you, he's one of your htt^ 
maphrodites, as they call *em. 

FeL He is married, and he is not married He 

hath a beard, and he hath no beard. He is old, and 
he is young. 

But, How charmingly he talks! I fancy, Mafter 
Vellum, you could make a riddle. The fame man 
old and young ! How do you make that out^ Mafter 
Vellum? 

FeL Thou haft heard of a fnake cafting his (kin, 
and recovering his youth. Such is this fage perfon. 

But. Nay, 'tis no wonder a conjurer fhould be like 
a ferpent. 

Fel, When he has thrown afide the old conjurer's 
ilough that hangs about him^ he'll come out as fine a 
young gentleman as ever was feen in this houfe. , 

But. Does he intend to fup in his flough ? 

FeL That time will fhow. 

But. Well, I have not a head for thefe things. In- 
deed Mr/ Vellum, I have not underftood one word you 
have faid this half hour. 

Fel. I did not intend thou fhould'ft*— But to out 
bufinefs— Let there be a table fpread in the greathalL 
Let your pots and glafTes be waih'd, and in a readi- 
ness. Bid the cook provide a plentiful fupper, and 
fee that all the fervants be in their beft liveries. 

But. Ay ! now I underftand every word you fay. 
But I wou'd rather hear you talk a little in th«t t'other 
way. 

Fel. I fliall explain to thee what I have faid by and 
by — Bid Sufan lay two pillows upon your lady's feed. 

But. Two pillows ! Madam won't fleep upon 'er^ 
both I She is not a double woman too ? 

FeL She will lleep upon neither. But hark, Mrs* 
Abigail, I think I hear her chiding the cook-maid. 

But. Then I'll may, or it will be my turn next z 

Shf 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE, 41 
She I am fnre, fpeaks plain Englifh, one may eafily 
underftand every word fhe fays. [Exit Butler. 

Vellum y^/w. 
FeL Servants are good for nothing unlefs they have 
an opinion of the perfon's underftanding who has the 
dire^on of them — But fee, Mrs. Abigail ! fhe has a 
bewitching countenance » I wifh I may not be tempdCli 
to marry her in good earnefl. 

Enter Abigail, 
M. Ha! Mr. VeUum. 
FeL What brings my fweet one hither ? 
M, I am coming to fpeak to my friend behind the 
wainfcot. It is fit, child, he fhould have an account 
of this conjurer, that he may not be furpriz'd. 

Fel. That woufd be ^s much as thy thoufand poaQ^ 
is worth. 
JA. I'll fpeak low— Walls have ears. 

[Pointing at the Weunfcof^ 
Vel. But hark you, duckling ! be fure you don't tell 
him that I am let into the fecret. 

Ah. That's a good one indeed ! as If I fhould eveii 
tell what pafles between you and me. 

Vel» No, no, my child, that muft not be! he! hct 
he ! that mufl not be ; he ! he ! he ! 
Ab. You will always be waggifh. 
Fel. >Adieu, and let me hear the refult of your con- 
ference. 

Ah* How can you leave one fo foon ? I ihall thinb^ 
it an age 'till I fee you again. 
FeL Adieu, my pretty one. 
Ah. Adieu, fweet Mr. Vellum. 

FeL My pretty one [As he is going off. 

Ah. Dear Mr. Vellum. 

FeL My pretty one ! ^ [Exit Vellum, 

Abigail /oAi. 
Ah. I have him I f I can but get this thoufand 
pound. 

[Fantome ^/i;r/ three raps upon his drum behind the 

nuainftot. 
Ha! Three raps upon the drum! the fignal 
Mr. Fan'tome and I agreed upon, when he had a mind 
to (peak with me. [Fantome raps again. 

Ami 



4t THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Ah. Very well> I hear you ; come, F6x, come out 
of your hole, 

SCENE opens^ and Fantome comes out. 

You may leave- your drum in the wardrobe, 'dl| 
you have occafion for it. 

Fun, Well, Mrs. Abigail, I want to hear what's do- 
ing in the world. 

Jb. You are a very inquifitive fpirit. But I muH 
tell you, if you do not take care of yourfelf, you will 
be laid this evening. 

Fan. I have overheard fomething of that matter^ 

But let me alone for the doftor I'll engage to give 

a good account of him. I am more in pain about 
Tinfel. When a lady's in the cafe, I'm more afraid 
of one fop than twenty conjurers. 

Ab. To tell you truly, he prefTes his attacks with fo 
niuch impudence, that he has made more progrefs with 
my lady in two days, than you did in two months. 

Fan. I Ihall attack her in another manner, if thoo 
canft but procure me another interview. There's no- 
thing makes a lover fo keen, su being kept up in tl)# 
dark. 

Ah, Pray no more of your diftant bows, your re^ 
fpedful compliments — Really, Mr. Fantome, you'i# 
iOnly fit to make love acrofs a tea-table. 

Fan. My dear girl, I can't forbear hugging the# 
<br thy good advice. 

Ab. Ay, now I have fome hopes of you ; but why 
don't you do fo to my lady ? 

Fan. Child, I always thought your lady Ipv'd to ht 
Created with refpedt. 

Ab. Believe me, Mr. Fantome, there is not fo great 
a difference between woman and woman, as you ima- 
gine. You fee Tinfel has nothing but his faucinefs 
to recommend him. 

Fan. Tinfel is too great a coxcomb to be capable 
of love — And let me tell thee, Abigail, a man, who 
is fincere in his paffion, makes but a very aukward 
profeflion of it But I'll mend my manners. 

Ab. Ay, or you'll never gain a widow— Come, I 

maft 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 4} 
innft tutor yon a little ; fuppofe me to be my lady, and 
let me fee how you'll behave yourfelf. 

Fan. I'm afraid, child, we han't time for fuch a 
piece of mummery, 

Ab. Oh, it will be quickly over, if yon play your 
part well. 

Fan. Why then, dear Mrs. Ab — I mean, my lady 
Truman. 

Ah, Ay \ but you han't Tainted me. 

Fan. That's right ; faith I forgot that circumftancc# 
[Kijfes b9rJ\ NedUr and AmbroSa ! 

Ab. That's very well 

Fan. How long muft I be condemn'd to languifli ! 
when fhall my fufferings have an end! My life, my 
happii^efs, my all is wound up in you— 

Ab. Well ! why don't you fqueeze my hand ? 

Fan. What, thus? 

Ah. Thus? Ay Now throw your arm about 

my middle : Hug me clofer. You are not afraid of 

liurting me ! Now pour forth a volley of rapture and 
noi^femfe till you are out of breath. 

Fan. Tranfport and ecftafy ! where am I ! — my lif<^ 
my blifs t — — I rage, I burn, I bleed, I die. 

Ah. Go on, go on. 

Fan. Flames and darts— Bear me to the gloomy 

ihade, rocks, and grottoes Flowers, zephyrs, 

^d purling ftreams. 

Ah. Oh ! Mr. Fantome, you have a tongue wou'dii 
undo a veftal ! You were born for the ruin of our fex. 

Fan. This will do then, Abigail ? 

Ab. Ay, this is talking like a lover, though I only 
reprefent my lady, I take a pleafure in hearing you. 
Well, o'my confcience when a man of fenfe has a lit- 
tle dafh of the coxcomb in him, no woman can reiiit 
him. Go on at this rate, and the thoufand pound 19 
9A good as in my pocket. 

Fan, 1 fhall think it an age till I have an opportu* 
nity of putting this leiTon in praftice. 

Ah. You may do it foon, if you make good ufe ol 
your time ; Mr. Tinfel will be here with my lady at 
eight, and at nine the conjurer is to take you in hand. 
' Fan. Let me alone with both of them. 

Abm 



44 THE DRUMMER: Or; 

Ab. Well ! forewarn'd^ forearm'd. Get into fow 
box, and I'll endeavour to difpofe ^\tTy thing in your 
favour. [Fantome goes in. Exit Abigail. 

Enter VeUum. 
FeL Mrs. Abigail is withdrawn,— —I was in hopes 
to have heard what pafs'd between her and her invifi* 
ble correfpondent. 

Enter Tinfel. 
rin. Vellum ! Vellum ! 

Veh [Jfide.] Vellum ! We arc methinks very fami- 
liar ; I am not us'd to be call'd fo by any but their 
bo-nours— What would you, Mr, Tinfel? 
Tin. Let me beg a favour of theCj old gentleman. 
Fel. What is that, good fir ? 
Tin. Pr'ythee run and fetch me the rent-roll of thy 
lady's eftate. 

FeL The rent-roll? 

Tin. The rent-roll ? Ay, the rent-roll ! Doft no( 
mnderftand what that means ? 

Fel. Why, have you thoughts of purchafing it ! 
Tin. Thou hail hit it, old boy; that is my very in^ 
tcntion. 

Fe/. The purchase will be condderable. 
Tin. And for that reafon I have bid thy lady very 
high — —She is to have no lefs for it than this entire 
perfon of mine. 

FeL Lr your Whole eftate perfonal, Mr. Tinfel— he I 
he ! he ! 

Tin. Why, you queer old dog, you don't pretend to 
jeft, d'ye? Look ye. Vellum, if you think of being 
continued my fteward, you muft learn to walk with 
your toes out. 

FeL [J/iiie,] An infolent companion ! 
Tin. Thou'rt confounded rich, I fee, by that dang« 
ling of thy arms. 

FeL [J/iJe.'] An ungracious bird! 
Tin. Thou (halt lend me a couple of theufand 
pounds. 

FeL [AJi^e.l A very profligate ! 
Tin. Look ye. Vellum, I intend to be kind to you 
—I'll borrow fome money of you. 
FeL I candot but fmile to coniider the difappointment 

thi^ 



THE HAUNTED HOCfyE. 4f 

AU yoang fellow will meet witk ; I will make myfelf 
merry with him. [AfideJ] And fo, Mr. Tinfel, youpro« 
mife you will be a very kind mafter to me. 

[Stifling a Imugb. 

Tin^ What will yoo give for a life in the houfe 
you live in ? 

FiL What do you think of five hundred pounds?— 
Ha! ha! ha! 

9lr«. That's too little. 

Vel. And yet it is more than I fhall give you— And 
I will offer you two reafons for it. 

Tin. Pr'ythce what are they ? 

FeL Firil, becaufe the tenement is not in your di(^ 
pofal, and. Secondly, becaufe it never will be in your 
difpofa], and fo fare you well, good Mr. Tinfel. Ha I 
hat ha ! You will pardon me for being jocular. 

[Exit Vellum. 

Tin. This rogue is as fancy as the conjurer : I'll be 
hang'd if they are not akin. 

Enter Lady. 

Lady. Mr. Tinfel ! what, all alone ! You free-think* 
ers are ^eat admirers of folitude. 

Tin. No, faith, I have been talking with thy ftew- 
ard ; a very grotefque figure of a fellow, the very pic- 
tare of one of our benchers. How can you bear his 
converfation ? 

Loify. I keep him for my fleward, and not my com- 
panion. Hp's a fober man. 

Tin. Yes, yea, h^ looks like a put, a queer old dog^ 
as ever I faw in my life : We muft turn him ofi^, widow. 
He cheats thee confoundedly, I fee that. 

Lady. Indeed you're miftaken ; he has always had 
the reputation of being a very honefl man. 

Tin. What ! I fuppofe he goes to church. 

Lady. Goes to church ! fo do you too, I hope. 

Tin. I would for once, widow, to make fure of you. 

Lady. Ak, Mr. Tinfel, a hufband who would not 
continue to po thither, would quickly forget the pro- 
mifes he made there. 

Tin. Faith, very innocent, and very ridiculous! 
Well then, I warrant thee, widow, thou wouldft not 
lor the world marry .a fabbath-breaker 1 

3 Ladyn 



4t THE DRUMMER: Or, 

ager do? Why, faith, being a woman of hononr, fhe 
married a thirds to whom^ it feems, fhe had giveo^ 
her firfl promife. 

Lady, And this is a true ftory npon your own know* 
ledge? 

. Tin. Every tittle, as I hope to be married, or never 
believe Tom Tinfel. 

Lady. Pray, Mr. Tinfel, do you call this talking 
like a wit or like a rake ? 

' 7V«. Innocent enough. He I he ! he ! why, 
' where's the ditference, my dear ? 

' Lady. Yes, Mr» Tinfel, the only man I ever lofv'd 

* in my life, had a great deal of the one, and nothing 
' of the other in him.' 

Tift. Nay, now you grow vapourifli ; thpu'lt begin 
to fancy thou hear'A the drum hy and by. 

Lady. If you had been here lafl night about this 
time, you would not have been fo merry. 

Tin. About this time, fay'fl thou! Come, faith, 
forhumour^s fake, we'll ^t down and liilen. 

Lady. 1 will, if you'll promife to be ferious. 

Tin. Serious ! never fear me, child, ha ! ha ! ha ! 
Soft not hear him ? 

Lady. You break your word already'. * Pray Mr; 
' Tinfel, do you laugh to fhew your wit or your teeth ? 

• Tin. Why both, my dear- — ^I'm glad, however, 
' that fhe has taken notice of my teeth. [Jfide.l But 
' you look ferious, child ; I fancy thou hear'fl the drom, 
' doft not ? 

• Lady. Don't talk fo raihly.' 

Tin. Why, my dear, you could not look more 
frighted if you had Lucifer's drum-major ia yonr 
houfe. 

• Lady. Mr. Tinfel, I muft defire to fee you no 
' more in it, if you do not leave this idle way of talk<< 
' ing. 

' Tin. Child, I thought I had told you what is my 
' opinion of ipints, as we were drinking a diih of tea 
' but juft now— ^Tliere is no fuch thing, I give thee 

* my word. 

' Lady. Oh, Mr. Tiniel, your authority moil beof 

* great weight to thofe that know you. 

• Tim. 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 49 

* Tift. For my part, child, I have made myfclf eafy 
"• in thofc points. 

* Liufy. Sure nothing was ever like this fellow's 
• vanity, but his ignorance. [Jfide, 

* Tin.* ni tell thee what now, widow— I would 
engage by the help of a white fheet, and a penny- 
worth of link in a dark night, to frighten you a whole 
country village out of their fenfes, and the vicar into 
the bargain. [Dram ^eats.] Hark! hark! what noife 
is that! Heaven defend us ! This is more than fancy. 

Laify. It beats more terrible than ever. 

Tiff. *Tis very dreadful ! What a dog have I been 
-to fpeak againft my confcience only to ihew my partsi 

Lasfy, It comes nearer and nearer, I wiih you have 
not anger'd it by your foolifh difcourfe. 

Tin. Indeed, madam, I did not fpeak from my 
lieart : I hope it will do me no hurt, for a little harm- 
lefs rallery. 

Lai(y. Harmlefs, d'ye call it ? It beats hard by us» 
as if it wott'd break thro' the wall ! 

Tin. What a devil had I to do with a white (heet ? 
[Scene opens^ and di/co'vers Fantome# 
Mercy on us ! \t appears. 

' La^, Oh I 'tis he ! 'tis he himfelf ! *tis Sir George! 
^tis my hufband I [She faints. 

Tin. Now would I give ten thonfand pounds that 
^ were in town. [Fan tome ad'vances to him dntmming.'\ 
I beg tea thoufand pardons ; I'll never talk at this 
rate any more. [Fsintomejfiil advances drumming.] By 
'my foulj. Sir George, I was not in earneft. [fal/s on 
his knees J] Have compafCon on my youth, and conli- 
•der I am but a coxcomb — [Fantome points to the door.] 

Bat fee he waves me off Ay, with all my heart 

■ ■ ■ ■ Wh^t a devil had I to do with a white fheet ? 
\Hefteals off. the ft age y mending his face as the drum heats * 

Fan. The fcoundrel is gone, and left his miftrcfs 
» behind him ; I'm miftaken if he makes his love in this 
houfe any more. I have now only th« conjurer to deal 
with. I don't queftion but I fhall make his reverenc* 
fcamper as faft as the lover; and then the day's my 
«wn. But the fervants are coming,- 1 muft get into 
my cupboard, \He goes in^ 

C Entir 



50 THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Enter Abigail and Servants. 
Ah, Oh, my poor lady ! This wicked dram has 
frighted Mr. Tinfel out of his wits, and my lady into 
a (woon. Let me bend her a little forward. She rc^ 
vives. Here, carry her into the frefti air, and ihe'll 
re<;over. \Th^ carry her cff'.] This is a little barbarous 
to my lady ; but 'tis all for her good : And I know her 
fo well, that fhe would not be angry with mjs, if ihe 
knew what I was to get by it. And if any of her 
friends ftiould blame me for it hereafter, 

77/ claf my band upon my pur/e, and tell W, 
^Tiuasfor a thou/and pounds, and Mr. Vellum* 



A C T V. 

Enter Sir George in his conjurer's hahif, tie Butler 
marching before him ivith t<wo large candles ^ astd the 
tivo fer^vants coming after him, one bringing a litth 
table, and another a chair. 

Butler. \ N'T pleafe your worfhip, Mr. Conjurer, 
±\, the Steward has given us all orders to do 
whatfoever you (hall bid us, and to pay you the fame 
rcipcft, as if you w«re our mailer. 

Sir G. Thou fay'ft well, 

Gard. An't pleafe your conjurer's woHhip* ihall I 
fet the table down here ? 

Sir G. Here, Peter. 

Gard. Peter ! He knows my name by his learn- 
ing. I4fide. 

Coach* I have brought you, reverend fir, the largeft 
elbow-chair in the houfe ; 'tis that the Steward iits in 
when he holds a court. 

Sir G. Place it there. 

But. Sir, will you pleafe to want any thing elie ? 

^/> G. Paper, and a pen and ink. 

But. Sir, I believe we have paper that is fit for 
vour purpofel my lady's mourning paper, that is 
black'd at the edges. Would you choofe to write 

with a crow-^uilT? 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE* 51 

Sir G, There is none better. 

Bta. Coachman, go fetch the paper and flandifk 
•ut of the little parlour. 

Coach. [To Gar J,] Peter, pr'ythee do thou go along 

with me I'm afraid You know I went with you 

laft nieht into the garden^ when the cook- maid waiiccd 
a handful of parfley. 

Bta. Why, you don't think I'll flay with the con- 
jurer by myfelf ! 

Gari. Come, we*ll all three go and fetch the pen 
and ink together. [Exeunt /errant s. 

Sir G./olus. There's nothing I fee makes fuch flroiig 
alliances as fear. Thefe feHows are all cntcr'd into a 
confederacy againftthe ghoft. There mull be abun- 
dance of bufinefs done in the family at this rate. But 
here comes the triple-alliance. Who could have 
thought thefe three rogues cou'd have found each of 
'cm an employment in fetching a pen and ink ! 
Mnttr Gardiner nvith ajheet of papery Coachman ix^iih 
aftandijb, and Butler 'with a pen, 

Gard. Sir, there is your paper. 

Caacb. Sir, there is your flandifh. 

But. Sir, there is your crow-quill pen — —I'm glad 
X have got rid on't. [Afide. 

Gard. [Afide.] He forgets that he's to make a circle 
*^I>o£h)r» fhall I help you to a bit of chalk ? 

Sir G. It is no matter. 

But. Look yc, (ir, I fhow'd you the fpot where he's 
heard ofteneft, if your worfhip can but ferret him out 
of that old wall in the next room ■ ■ 

Sir G. We fhall try. 

Gard, That's right, John. His worfhip mufl IcC 
fly all his learning at that old wall. 

But. Sir, if I was worthy to advife you, I wou'd 
have a bottle of good Oftober by me. Shall I fet a 
cup of fHngo at vour elbow ? 

Sir G. I thank thee We fhall do without it. 

Gard. John, he feems a very good-natur'd man for 
a conjurer. 

But. ril take this opportunity of enquiring after a 

bit of plate I have loft. I fancy, whilft he is in my 

C 2 lady's 



S2 TH£ DRUMMER: Or^ 

lady's pay, one may hedge in a q-ueflion or two ]|it#- 
Uie bargain. Sir, iir, may I beg a word in your cftr^ 

Sir G. What wouldft thou ? 

J?«/. Sir, I know I need not tell you^ tkat I loft one 
of my filver fpoons laft week. 

^Sir G. Mark'd with a fwan'^ neck 

But, My lady's crefl? He know&eirery thing. [.<^£^ 
How wQu'd your worihip advife me to recover it again t 

Sir G. Humi 

j5«/. What muil I do to come at it ? 

Sir G. Drink nothing but fmall-beerforafortnight^wv 

JBut. Small-beer ! rot-gut ! 

Sir G. If thou drink'U a fingle drop of ale before 
fifteen days are expir'd— —It is as much^— — as thy 
ipoon is worth. 

But. I (hall never recover it that way; I'll e'en, boy 
a new one. [J/Ut^ 

Coach, D'ye mind how ihcy whiiper? 

GarJ. If 11 be hang'd if he be not alking him fom^ 
thing about Nell. — — 

Coach, I'll take this opportunity of putting a foeflton 
to him about poor Dobbing : I fancy he conld give me 
better counfef than the farrier. 

But. [To Card,"] A prodigious man ! he knows cverj 
thing : now is-tiie time to End out thy pick* ax. 

Gard. J[ havg nothing to give him ; does not be e»- 
peft tQ.haVe^ h^nd crofs*d with £lver ? 

Coach. [To Sir G.] Sir, may a man venture to aik 
you a queAion ? 

Sir G. Aik it. 

Coach. I have a poor horfe in the ftable that's be- 
witch 'd^^——— 

Sir G. A bay gelding. 

Cofich. How cou'd he know that ? l^Jide. 

Sir G. Bought at ^anbury. 

Coach. Whew — fo it was o'my confcience. [WhiftUs^ 

SirG. Six years old lail Lammas. 

Coach. To a day. [^/de.] Now, fir, I would know 
whether the poor beaft is bewitch'd by goody Croucb 
pr goody Fly. 

Sir G. Neither. 

Coacbn^ 



THE HAUNTED HOITSE. 53 

Coach, Then it muft be goody Gurton j for ihe is the 
"■iext oldeft woman in the pariih. 

GarJ. Haft thpu done, Robin ? 

Coach, [To Gard,"] He can tell thee any thing, 

Gard, [To Sir G.] Sir, I wou'd beg to take you a 
Kttle further out of hearin g 

Sir G. Speak. 

Gard. The Butler and I, Mr. Dodor, were both of 
08 in love at the fame time with a certain perfon. 

Sir G, A woman. 

Gard. How cou*d he know that ? [^Jtdf. 

Sir G. Go on, 

Gardm This woman has lately had two children at 
a birth. 

Sir G. Twins, 

Gard, Prodigious ! where could he hear that? [Jfide* 

SirG. Proceed, 

Gard, Now, becaufe I us'd to meet her fometimes 
in the garden, fhe has laid them both 

Sir G» To thee. 

Gard, What a pow'r of learning he muft have ! he 
knows every thing. [Jfid^* 

Sir G. Haft thou done ? 

Gard. I wou'd defire to know whether I am really 
^Either to them both. 

Sir G. Stand before me, let me furvey thee round. 
[iLayi his ivand upon his head and makts Inm turn about, \ 

Coach, Look yonder, John, the filly dog is turning 
about under the conjurer's wand. If he has been faucy 
to him, we fhall fee him puiPd oiFin a whirlwind im- 
mediately. 

SirG, Twins, doft thou fay? [S fill turning him* 

Gard. Ay, are they both mine, d'ye think ? 

Sir G, Own but one of them. 

Gard, Ay, but ^|rs. Abigail will have me take carer 

cf them both She is always for the Butler r- 

if.my poor matter Sir George had been alive, he wou'd 
2&ave made him go halves with me. 

Sir G, What, was Sir George a kind mafter ? 

Gard, Was he ! Ay, my fellow- fervants will bear 
jpe witneis, 

C3 SirQ* 



j^ THE DRUMMEUr Or,. . - 

ing this ghoft, yoa are to prepare my wife for the re« 
ception of her real hufband ; tell her the whole ftoty^ 
and do it with all the art you are mailer of« that the 
furprife may not be too great for her. 

FeL It (ball be done — But iince her ho-nour ha^- 
feen this apparition, fhe deiires to fee you once more^ 
before you encqunter it. 

Sir G. I ihall exped her impatiently. For now I 
can talk to her without being interrupted by that imr 
pertinent rogue Tinfel. I hope thou hafl not told 
Abigail any thing of the fecret. 

Fe/, Mrs, Abigail is a woman ; there are many 
reafons why fhe mould not be acquainted with it : I 
ihall only mention fix-"— 

Sir G, Hulh, here fhe comes ! O my heart !' 
Enter Lady and Abigail. 
[Jfide, awhile Vellum talis in^ dumh-JheiA) to Lady.] 
O that lov'd woman ! How I long to take her 
in my arms ! If I find I am flill dear to her memory, 
it will be a return to life indeed 1 But I muft take 
care of indulging this tendernefs, and put on a beha^ 
viour more fuitable to my prefent charadler. \WalK$ 
at a dtjiance in apenji've pofiurcy ava^ing his fwandJ\ 

Lady, [/o Vellum.] This is furprifing indeed! So 
all the fervants tell me ; they fay he knows every 
thing that has happened in the family. 

Ab, [Jjide,] A parcel of credulous fools, they firft 
tell him their fecrets, and then wonder how he comes 
to know them. 
[Exit Vellum, exchanging fond looks wtJb Abigail.]^ 

Lady, Learned fir, may I have fome converfatioa 
with you, before you begin your ceremonies ? • 

Sir G. Speak! but hold— firfl let me .feel yomr 
pulfe. 

Lady. What can you learn from that ? 

Sir G. I have already leam'd a fecret from it, that 
will aftonilh you. 

Lady. Pray what is it ? 

Sir G. You will have a hulband within this half 
Jiour. 

M» l^M^'] I am glad to hear that— Re mail 

meaa 



THIfi HAUNT'BB BTOUSE. ^ 
mtm Mr. Fantame ; I begia to. think diCBe's food 
deal of truth in his art* 

La^j. Alas ! Ifear you mean I ihall fee Sir Ge9fge'« 
apparition a fecond time*. 

Sir G« Have courage, you (hall fee the apparition 
so more.. The hufband I mention ihall be as much 
«live as I am. 

M. Mr. Fantame, to be fure. [jf/Uf.. 

Lm^.* Impoffible ! I lov'd my £rft too well. 

Sir G. You cou'd not love the firft better than you 
.will love the iecoad. 

^ Ah. [4lSde.} I'll be hang'd if my dear ftewaid 
' has not infhufied him ; he means Mr* Fantome^ «>• 
^ be fure ; the thoufand pounds are our own/ 

Lttdy, Alas, you did not know Sir George. 
.^ Sir G. As well as I do myfelf-— J faw him with yoa 
in the red damaik room, when he firft made love to. 
(jVXi J your mother left you tOMther, under pretence* 
of receiving a vifit from Mrs. Hawthora^ oa her retura 
jfn>m.LQndoD. 

J^K^. Thisisaftoniihing. 

Sir G. You were a great admirer of a fingle life- for 
A^.firft half hour ; your refufals then grew lull fainter 
and fainter. With what ecftacy did Sir George ?kifs 
^nr.hand, when you told him you fhould^ ways ffol- 
low the advice of^your mamma 1 

JjMfy. £yery circumftance to a tittle ! 

SirG, Then, lady, the wedding-night ! I faw yo» 
isityour white fattin night gown : you would not come 
4mc.ofyour dreffing-room, till Sir George took you out 
Jby force. He drew you gently by the hand— -Yoii: 
ftruggled — -but he was too flroag for you— Yoa. 
Wuih'd; he 

Lady, Oh ! ftop there 1 go no further ■■ ■ ■ifo: 
knows every thing; {.^J^^\ 

Jib. Truly, Mr. Conjurer, I. beliore you have been 
a wag in your youth. 

Sir G, Mrs. Abigail, you know what your good 
•word coft Sir George, a purfe of broad pieces^ Mrs* 
Abigail. ■ 



58 THJE DRUMMER: Oiv 

Ab, The devil's in him* [Jfide.] Pray, fir, fincir 
yon have told Co far, you fhonld tell my lady that I 
refas'd to take them. 

Sir G. 'Tis true, child, he was forc'd to thruft them 
into your bofom.' 

M. This rogue will mention the thoufand ponndi 
if I don't take care. [Jfide,"] Pray, fir, though you arc 
^ conjurer, methinka you need not be a blab ■ 

Itady. Sir, fince I have now no reafon to dou^t of 
your art, I muflL befeechyouto treat thb apparition 
cently — It has the refemblance of my deceasM hnf- 
Dand ; if there be any undifcover'd fecret> any thing 
^at troubles his reft, learn it of him. 

Sir G, I mull, to that end, be fincerely inform'd by 
you, whether your heart be engag'd to another. Have 
not you receiv'd the addrefTes of many lovers^fince hii 
death; 

Lady. I have been oblig'd to receive more vifits thas 
Jhiave been agreeable. 

Sir G. Was not Tinfel welcome ?— I am afraid 
to^hear an anfwer to my own quefHon. [AJuUm 

Lady, He was. well recommended* 
^/> G. Racks ! 14^ 

Lady. Of a good family.. 

5/r G. Tortures I {Afidg. 

Lady. Heir to a confiderable eftate*^ 
Sir G. Deatk! [J/tde.] And you ftill love him f— 
I'm diftrafted ! [Afide. 

Lady. No, I defpife him. I found he had a de- 
fign upon my fortune ; was bafe, profligate, coward- 
ly, and every thing that could be expedled from *• 
man of the vileft principles* 

Sir G. I'm recovered. [A/idfi. 

Ah. Oh, madam, had you feen how like a icoun- 
drelhe look'd, when he left your ladyfhip in a fwooni 
Where have you left my lady ? fays I. In an elbow- 
chair, child, fays he. And where are you eoing ? 
fays I. To town, child, fays he : for to tell thee 
truly, child, fays he, I don't care for living under 
the fame roof with the devil. 

Sir G. 



THE HAUNTED' HOUSE. $9 

5/r G. Well, lady, 'l fee nothing in all this, that 
ly hinder Sir George's fpirit from being at reft. 
Lady, If he knows any thing of what pafles in my 
art, he cannot but be fatisfied of that fondnefs 
lich I bear to his memory. My forrow for him is 
ivays frefli when I think of him. He was the kind- 
ly trueft, tendercft — Tears will not let me go on— 
Sir G. This quite overpowers me — I (hall difcover 
yfelf before my time. iJ/tde.] — Madam, you may 
nw retire, and leave me to myfelf. 
Lsify, Succefs attend you ! 

Ji^, I wifh Mr. Fantome gets well off from this 
d Don— -I know he'll be with him immediately. 
[Exeunt Lady and Abigail. 

Sir George /olus. 
Sir G. My heart is now at eafe ; (he is the fame 
sar woman I left her — Now for my revenge upon 

antome. 1 (hall cut the ceremonies fliort — A few 

ords will do his bufinefs— — Now let me feat mv- 
If in form—— A good eafy chair for a conjurer this I 
—Now for a few mathematical fcratches— a good 

ickv fcrawl that Faith, I think it looks very 

(bolpgical-^Thefe two or three magical pot-hooks 
bout It, make it a compleat conjurer's fcheme. 
Drum teats,] Ha, ha, ha, fir, are you there ? [Enter 
>rummer,] Now muft I pore upon my paper. 

Enter Fantome Seating his drum. 
V^ythee don't make a noife, I'm bufy. [Fantome 
eatsA A pretty march! pr'ythee beat that over again. 
He heats and advances. "] [RiJingJ] Ha! you're very 
terfed in the flep of a ghoft. You ftalk it maje(ti« 
ally. [Fantome advances,"] How the rogue (lares, 
le a£b it to admiration ; I'll be hang'd if he has not 
teen pra£tifing this half hour in Mrs. Abigail's ward^ 
obe. [Pan tome ^tfr/j, gives a rap upon his drum,^ 
yythee don't plajj the fool. [Fantome heats.] Nay, 
my, enough of this, good Mr'. Fantome. 

fan. [Jfide,] Death ! I'm difcover'd. This jade 
Abigail has betray'd me. 

Sir G. Mr. Fantome, upon the word of an a(h'o- 
3 loger. 



«a THE DRtJNMaBlL: Qb, 

^offor, your thoufand pound bribe wHi aerer gak 

my lady Truman. 

Fa». 'Tis plain> fhe ba& told him ailL [-4^ 

^/> Cr. Let m^ advife you to make off a» fail as yoo, 
can, or I plainly perceive by any sat, Mt^ Ghoft will 
bave bis bones broke. 

Fan^ [To Sir G.] Look ye, old gentleman, I per- 
ceive you have learnt this fecret from Mrs. Abigm. 

Sir G, I have learnt it from my art. 
' Fan, Thy art ! pr'ythee no more of that, Loc^ 
ye, I know you are a cheat as much as I am. A^id 
if thou'lt keep my counfel, I'll give thee ten broad 
pieces. ■ 

Sir G. I am not mercenary ! Young man, I fcorn 
thy gold. 

Fan. I'll make them up twenty.. 

Sir G. A vaunt ! and that quickly, or I'll raife fock 
an apparition as fhall -<— — 

Fan, An apparition, old gentleman ! you midakc 
your man, I'm not to be frighten'd with bugb^rs I— 

Sir G, Let me retire but for a few moments, and 
I will give thee fuch a proof of my art 

Fan, Why, if thou haA any hocus-pocus tricki to 
play, why can'll thou not do them here ? 

Sir G, The raifmg of a fpirit, requires certain fe- 
cret myileries to be performed, and words to be mut- 
tered in private 

Fan, Well, if I fee through your tridc, will yoa 
promife to be my friend ? 

Sir G. I will attend and tremble, [Exk* 

Fan tome /alus. 

Fan. A very folemn old afs ! But I fmokebim— — - 
he has a mind to raife his price upon me. I coa'd 
not think this flut wou'd have us'd me thus. — I be* 
gin to erow horribly tir'd of my drojn. 1 wiib I wai 
well rid of it. However I have got this by it, tluU 
it has driven off Tin (el for good and all ; I ftan't 
have the mortification to fee my miilrefs carry'd aS 
by fuch a rival. Well, whatever happens^ 1 auft 
flop this old fellow's mouth, I mail not not be ^par- 
ing in hufii-money. But here be comes, 

Mmtr 



TffE ITAUKrTFO ITOlfSE. gi 

Bnttr Sir Georgd in his own halii. 

Fan, Ha! what's that! Sir George Truman! 

This can be no counterfeit. His drefs ! his Iha^je I his 

fece ! the very wound of which he dy^d ! Nay, thcA 

*tis time to decamp ! [Runs off^ 

SirG. Hi, ha, ha! Fare you well, good Sir 

QcoT^Q-^ The enetny has left me mafter of ihe 

field ;" here are the marks of my victory. This drutai 
will I hang up in my great hall as the trophy of the 
day. 

Enter AbigaiL 

Sir George ft^nds nxjith bis band b'efort Bis face in 
a mujing pojiure^ 

jib. Yonder he is. O' my confcience he has dri- 
ven off the conjurer. Mr. Fantome, Mr. Faniomei 
I give you joy, I give you joy. Wliat do you think 
©f your thoufand pounds now ; why docs not the man 
fpeak ? [Pulls him by tbejlee've* 

Sir G, Ha ! [Taking bis hand from his face, 

Ab, Oh. ! 'tis my mailer ! [Shriek^^ 

[Running aivay, be catches her. 

Sir G^ Good Mrs. Abigail, not fo faft. 

Jb% Are you alive, fir! He has given my flioulde? 
fuch a curfed tweak ! they mull be real fingers ; I 
^el *em, I'm fure. 

Sir G. What doft thou think ? 

Jb, Think, flr ? think ? Troth I don't knovr 
^hat to think. Pray, fir, how 

Sir G. No quedions, good Abigail ; thy curioiityr 
Aall be fatisfied in due time. Where's your lady ?' 

M. Oh, I'm fo frighted ! and fo glad 

Sir G, Where's your lady ! I afk you 

Ab', Marry, I don't know where I am^myfelf — — . 
1 can't forbear weeping for joy • 

Sir G. Your lady ! I fay your lady I I muft bring, 
you to youjrfelf with one pinch more 

Ab, Oh ! {he has been talking a good while with 
the fteward. 

$ir G. Then he has open'd the whole flory to hef. . 
I*m glad he has prepar'd her. Oh I here fhe comes. 
D , Enter ' 



it . THE DRUMMER: Or, 

Enter Lady followed fy Vellom. 
^ Ladjf. Where is he f let me By into his arms !• nxf 
life ! my foul ! my hufhand ! 

^/> G. Oh ! let me catch thee to my heart, deareft 
of women. 

Lady. Are yon then dill alive, and are yoa here i 
I can fcarce believe my fenfes ! Now am I happy in* 
^eed ! 

Sir G. My heart is too full to anfwer thee, 

* Laify. How could you be fo cruel to defer giving 

• me that joy which you knew I muft receive from 
^ your prefence ? You have robb*d my life of fome 

• hours of happinefs that ought to have been in it. 

• Sir G. It was to make our happinefs the more 

• fincere and unmixt : There will be now no doubts 
^ to dafli it. What has been the afflidiion of our 

• lives, has given a variety to them, and will herG- 
^ after fupply us with a thoufand materials to talk 

• of. 

* Ladj, I am now fatisfied that it is not in the 

• power of abfence to leffen your love towards me. 

• Sir G. And I am fatisfied that it is not in the 

• power of death to deftroy that love which makes 

• me the happiefl of men.' 

Lady. Was ever woman fo bleft ! to find again the 
Jarling of her foul, when fhe thought him loft for 
ever ! to enter into a kind of fecond marriage with 
ihe only man whom Ihe was ever capable of loving ! 

Sir G. May it be as happy as our firft, I defire no 
more ! Believe me, my dear, I want words to cx- 
prefs thofe tranfpoits of joy and tendernefs which are 
every moment rifing in my heart whilft I fpeak to 
thee. 

Enfer Ser*vantu 

But, Juft as the fteward told us, lads ! Look jam 
there, if he ben't with my lady already ? 

Card. He ! he ! he ! what a joyful night will thi^ 
be for madam ! 

Coach, As I was coming in at the gate, a ilrange 

gentleman whiik'd by me ; but he took to his heels» 

j^ made away to the George. If I did noi iee maf- 

!• (or 



THE HAUNTED HOUSE. 63 
ter before me, I ihould have fworn ic had beea hit 
honour ! 

Gard. Haft thou given orders for the bells to be 
fet a ringing? 

Coacb, Never trouble thy head about that, 'ti« 
done. 

Sir G. [Td Lady.] My dear, I long as much to tell 
you my whole ftory, as you do to hear it. In the 
mean while I am to look upon this as my wedding- 
day, ril have nothing but the voice ot mirth and 
feailing in my boufe. My poor neighbours and my 
ieiyants (hall rejoice with me. My hall (hall be free 
to every one, and let my cellars be thrown open. 

But. Ah ! blefs your honour, may you never die 
again I 

Coach. The fame good man that ever he was ! 

Gard. Whurra ! 

SirG. Vellum, thou haft done me much fervice 
to-day. I know thou lov'll Abigail, but fhe*s dif- 
appointed in a fortune. Til make it up to both of 
you. I'll give thee a thoufand pounds with her. It 
is not £t there fhould be one fad heart in my houfc 
to-night. 

* Lady. What you do for Abigail, I know is meant 
' as a compliment to me. This is a new inflance of 
* your love.' 

Jh. Mr. Vellum, you are a well-fpoken man: 
Pray do you thank my mafter and my lady. 

SirG. Vellum, I hope you are not difpleafed with 
the gift I make you. 

Vel. The. gift is tivofold. I receive from you 
A^'virtuQus partner^ and a portion too ; 
For wuhich in humble ivife, I thank the donors ; 
And fa lue bid good-night to both your ho-^'-nours. 



E PI- 



E FI LO G U E. 

^^O-nigbty the poet's advocate I ft and '^ 

And he defemjej the favour at my hand, 
Who in my equipage their caufe debating ^ 
Has placed t<wo IthverSy and a third in ^waiting i 
If both the Jirft Jbould from their duty f^uaer^ve, 
Yhere*s one behind the ivainfcot in refirve. 
In his next play, if I *wouId take this trouble, " 
He promised me to make the number dciihle: 
In troth ^fwas fpoke like an obliging creature^ 
For though Uis Jimple^ yet it Jhe^MS good-nature m 

My help thus ajk*dy I could not choofe but grant it^ 
And really I thought the play ivould 'want it. 
Void as it is of all the ufual arts 
^0 ivarm your fancies, and to JUal your hearts : 
No court- intrigue, nor city^uckoldom. 

No fong^ no dance y. no mufic hut a drum 

No fmutty thought in doubtful phrafe expreft. 
And, gentlemen, iffo, pray inhere* s the jeft ? 
When <we <would r a if e your mirth, you hardly ku(nJ^ 
Whether, in ftricinefs , youjhould laugh or no ; 
But turn upon the ladies in the pit. 
And if they redden, you are fur e ^tis ivit, 

ProteS him then, ye fair ones ; for the fair 
Of all conditions are his equal care. 
He dranjos a ividoiv, ivho, of blamelefs carriage^ 
^rue to her jointure, hates a fecond marriage i 
And, to improve a <virtuous ivife^s delights. 
Out of one man contrives fwo ivedding nights j 
Nay, to oblige the f ex in ev^ry fate, 
A nymph of fve-and-foriy finds her mate, 

^00 long has marriage, in this t aft clefs ag*^. 
With ill-bred rallery fupply^d the ft age i 
No little fcribbler is ofivitfo bare. 
But has his fiing at the poor ^wedded pair. 
Our author deals not in conceits fo ft ale : 
For ftjould th* examples of his play prevail. 
No man need bluft?, though true to marriage-vo'wSp. 
Nor be ajcft, though he ft?ould love his Jpoufe, 
Thus has he done you Britijh conforts right, 
Whofe hufbands, Jhould they pry like mine to-night. 
Would never find you in your conduSl flipping. 
Though they turned conjurers to take you tripping*, 

FINIS. 







JMfiU'.^i^*fff%7T.^ Ximmt^ A 




LOTE makes a MJN: 

O R, T H E 

FOP'f FORTUNE. 

A 

.C O M E D Y. 

WXITTEKBr 

' C. GIBBER, Efq. 

With the Variations in the 

MANAGER'S BOOK, 

AT THE 



LONDON: 

Printed for W. L o w N D E s ; W. N i c o L L ; and 

S. B L A D o N. 



\ • 'v^'S/^^SAA/^l^ rU>/V^«*A^^u^v 



PROLOGUE. 



C / NC E plays are hut a kind of puhlic feafts^ 
Where tickets only make the •welcome guejis ; 
Mcthinks^ inftead of gracc^ i\)eJhould prepare j 
l^our tafies tjt l*rologue, voith your bill of fare. 
Whensou for eknoi\3 each courfe^ tljo^ this may teaze you^ 
* ^sfive to one^ hut one o* fh* five may pUafeyou, 
Firfij for you criticksy ive^'veyour darling chear^ "j 

Faults ivithout numher^ more thanfenfe can hear* f 

2^ou*fe certain to he pleased ivhere errors are, J 

From your difpleafurcj I dare vouch ive^re fafe\ 
You never frown^ hut cohere your neighbours laugh* 
No-iv^ you that never know ivhatfpleen or hate is^ ^ 

Who for an aR or twOj are welcome gratis, > 

That tip the wink^ andfofneak out with nunqUam fatis ; J 
For your fmart tafies ix)e^ve to/s*dyou up afop^ 
Wt hope the newefl that's of late come up ; 
Thefool^ heauy nvit^ and rake^ fo mixt he carries^ 
Hefeimsa ragou, pipif^g hot from Paris, 
But for thefofterfex^ whom mofi we'd move^ 
We've what the fair andchajle were formed for^ lore. 



An artlefs pajpon^ fraitght luith hopes and fears ^ ^ 

jind nearefl happy y when it mofldefpairs } V 

For majhsy 'we've fcandal^ and for heaus^ French airs* J 
Topleafe alltaflesy we* II do the hefi we can ; 
For the galleries y we*ve^ Dicky rtWWill Penkethraan. 
"No^My firsy you're welcomcy and you know your fare ; ^ 
But pray y incharityy the founder fparcy i 

Lejlyou deftroy at once^ the poet and th^ pli^er, j 



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LOVE makes a MAN: 



ACT I. SCENE, « Hall, 

Enur Antonio anJCYkmno, 

^ii/. TTTITHOUT compliment, mjr old friend, I 
VV fl'*^' think mylelf much honourM in your 
alliance ; our familks are both ancient, our chitdren 
young, and able to fupport 'em ; and, 1 think, the 
iponer we fet 'em to work, the better* 
' Clni* Sir,^ you offer fair and nobly, and (hall find I 
dare meet you in the fame line of honour ; and, I \itlot^ 
fince I have but one girl in the world, you won't think 
me a troublefome old fool, if I endeavour to beilow her 
ro her worth ; therefore, if you picafe, before we fhAe 
hands, a word or two by the bye, for 1 hare fome con- 
fide rable que n ions to aik you. 

Ant. Alk *cm, 

Cha. Well, in the firft place, you fay you haye two 
fons ? 

Atu. Exa6lly. 

Cha, And you are willing that one of 'era fliall itntrrf 
my daughter ? 

Mt. Willing. 

Cha. My daughter Angelina ! 

Ant* Angelina, 

Cha. And you are likewife content that the faid Ah^ 
giltna (hall furvey 'em both, and (with my allowance) 
take to her lawful hulbahd, which of 'em me pleafes ? 

Ant, Content. 

Cha, And you farther promife, that the' pcrfon by hir 
(and me) fo chofen (be it elder or vounger) fliall be 
your fole heir 5 that h to fay, fhall be in a conditional 
polfeflion, of at leaft three [>arts of your eftate. You 
know the conditions, and thi«you pofitively promife' ? . 

Ant. To perform. 



* LOVE MAKES A MAN ; OR, 

C^f. Why then, as the laft token of ray full confcn< 
and approbaticJn, -I gi\*e you my hand, 

Jni» There's mine; 

Cha. Is't a match ? 
' ^«/fA'match. - ' 

Cha» Done* - 

jilt. Done. 

Cka, And done ?■*■■ thfft*s enough,— —Gir/oi the 
elder, yoo fay is a great fcholar, fpends hit whole life in 
ihcuniverficy, and lores his fludy. 

Ant, Nothing more, fir, 

Cha* But CW/ff, the younger, has feen the world, 
and is very well knownin the Court of France ; a fpright- 
ly fellow, ha ? 

Ant, Mettle to the back, fir. 
• Cha.V^t^W how far either of *em may go with my 
daughter, I can^t tell ; flie*ll be eafily pleafcd where I 

am 1 have given herfome documents already. Hark! 

what noife without ? 

Ant^ Odfo! Ms they they're comc—1 have 

. expelled \m ihefe two hours. Well, firrab, whols 
without ? 

Enter a Serrvantm 

Ser<v. 'Tis Sancho^ fir, with a waggon-load of my 
mafter'« books. 

Cha. What, does he always travel with his whole 
nudy?^ ■■ 

Ant, Never without them, fir, 'tis his-humour. 
E flier Sancho laden ix>ith hooks. 
, San. Peeir/f, unload part of the library ; bid the- porter 
open the great gates, and make room tor t'other dozea 
of carts ; rU be with you prefently. 

Ant, Ha! Saneho'l whereas my Ctfr&x/ f^akj boy, 
where didll thou leave thy matter ? 

San. Jogging on, fir, in the highway to knowledge, 
both hands employ 'd, in his book, and his bridle, fir ; 
but he has fent his duty before him in this letter, fir. 

Ant. What .have we here, ^o/A<w/Ji and dr»///r«Bi.' 

San. ^ctbocks ! O 1 dear fir 1 1 beg your pardon 

„ . ■ "No, fir, this is ^'tf^/Vi,Vistothe Lord ^^^*,con- 
ccmlng ihc tranflation, fir, ot human b«dic«— — a.4icw 

way 



THE POP's FORTUNE. f 

'^?V of getting out of the world. There** a terribU 
^^le man hat written a very fmart book of it. 

Cha. Pray» fnend, what will that fame book teach a 
nian? 

Saft. Teach you, fir! why, to pby a trump upon 
death, and (hew yourfelf a match for the devil. ^ 

CSa. Strange! 

San. Here, fir, this it your letter. [To Jfgt. 

Cba, Pray, iir, what fort of life may your maftcr lead ? 

San. Life^fir ! no prince fares likes him ; he breaks his 
/aft with Ariftotle^ dines with Tully^ drinks at HtUcan^ 
fups with Seneca ; then walks a turn or two in the milky 
way, and after fix hours conference with the dan, fteept 
with old Fstra Pater. 

Cba. Wonderful! 

Ant. So, C^r/ii/ will be here prcfently ■ Here, 

take the knave in, and let him eat« 

San, And drink too, fir. 

Ant. Yes, and drink too, fir, and pray fee your maf- 
ter*s chamber ready . [ Knocking sgain* 

Well, fir, who*8 at the gate ? 

Enter a Servant. 

Serv. Monfieur^ fir, from my young mafter Clodio. 
Enter Monfieur. 

Ant. Well, Monfieur^ what fays your mailer I When 
will he be here ? 

Monf. Sire, he will be here in de lefs time dan von 
quarter of de hour; he is not quite tirty mile flff. . 

Ant. And what came you before for ? 

^ax^y. Sire, me come to provide Je pulvile, and' de 
eflence for his peruque, dat he may approache to your 
Yorihipe vid de reverence, and de belle air. * 

Anu What ! is he unprovided then ? 

Mdnf. Sire, he vas enrage, and did bre^k his botlel 
d*oraogerie, becaufe it was not de fame dat is prepapc for 
Mfittfeigneur k Dauphinm ;- ^ 

Ant. Well, fir, if you'll go to the butler, bQ*Jl— f- 
belp you to fome oil and vinegar for his periwig, i, v 
i : Mm/. Sm^ me^unkyqu. [E;^//~ Monfieur. 

'>CJba*.A very notable fpark this Clodi^. }iUL,vib»t 
noilcis^ibatjvithout ? : ^ i . 

A 4 Enter 



jl LOVfi MAiCBS A MAN ; Olt, 

Enter a Servtat. 

Sirv. Sir*^ -my young mailers are both oome. 

Mi^ ThatVwell! now, fir, novirl novroblerrc their 
.feyeral difpoiitioDS. 

Enter Carlos. 

Car. My father! Sir, your bicffing. 

jixt. Thou haft it, Carlos ; ^nd now pray know this 
fentkiAan ; Charino^ jBr, my old friend) and one in 
whom you may have a particular intereft; . . 

Car, I'll ftudy to deferve his lore, lir. 

^ba. Sir, as for that matter you need not ftudy at alU 

[They/tiuu* 
Eater Clodio, 

Clo, Hey ! La V^Uere ! bid the groom take^ care our 
hunters be well rubb'dand cloath*d; theyVe^ hot, and 
.iKilvftHpttha wind. : 

Cba. Ay, marry fir, there's mettle in thift young fol- 
io wr« 

C/#. Where's my father? 

Jnt. Ha^ my dear Cloif^^ thou'rt welcome ! 

Ch. Sir, being my father's' friend, I am your moft 
obliged, faithful humble fervant. [To Cha* 

Cka. Sir, —•I—I— I like you. {E^^girfy. 

Clo. Thy hand-H-t-I'm your friend. 

Chai Faithi tnou art a pretty humourM fellow. 

C/tf. Who's that? Pray, fir, who's that ? 

Attt» Your brother, Clo<fy. 

C/(?. Odfoi I beg his pardon witk all my heart 
Ha, ha, ha ! did ever mortal fee fuch a book-worm ? ■ 
Brother, how is't ? . ' [Cardejly. 

Ctfr. I'm glad you are well, brother. [Reiads^ 

Clo. What, does he draw his book upon me ? f then I 
will draw my wit upon him — Qad,I'll puzale blm— Hark 
you, brother, pray what's— Ltf/ia for a fwoixi-knot ? 

Car. The Romans wore none, brother. 

Clo. No ornament upon their fwords, fir ? 

Car, O yes, feveral, conquefi, peace, and hgnour— 
an old unfafhionable wear. 

C/i. Sir, no man in France (I may as well fay breath- 
bg, for not to live there, is not to breath) woars a more 

. faihionable 



THE MP^s FORTUNE. $ 

feOhionable fword than I do ; he coft mc fifteen louis-dWi 
'ift Ptfr/x^-*— There, fir,—— feel him, —try him, fir. 

Car, I have no (kill, fir. 

C/0. No (kill, fir! why, this fword would make a., 
•ovrard fight— aha I fa! fa! ha! rip— ha! there! 
had him. [Fencing. 

Car. Take heed, you'll cut my cloathi, brother. 

Ch. Cut 'em! ha, ha^ ■ ■ no, do, they are cut 

already, brother, to the grammar^ruks exafny : Pfha, 
pr'yihee man leave off this college-air. 

Car, No, brother, I think it wholefome, the foil and 
i^tuationpleafant. 

Ch. A put, by Jupiter ! he don't know the air of a 
gebtleman, from the air of the country : —Sir, I mean 
the air of your cloaths ; I would have you change yoiic 
taylor, and drefs a little more en ca'valicr : lay- by your 
book, and take out your fnuffbox;- cock, and^ioolc 
fmart, hah ! 

Cha* Faith, a pretty fellow ! 

Car. \ read no ufc in ihia brother ; and for my cloaths^ 
the half of what I weiu- already, feems to me Tupcr- 
fluous : whnt n?»ed I outward ornamcnta, when I can deck 
myfelf \* ith underflanding ? Why (liould we care for any 
thing, b'.'.t knowledge ? or look upon the follies of 
mankind, but to condemn or pity thofs that feek 'em ? 

l^Reads again. 

Clo. Stark mad ! fplit me^ 

Cha, Pflia, thiB fellow will never do he^ii 

no foul in him. 

Ch. Hark you, brother, what do you think of a pret* 
ty plump wench now ? 

Car. I feldom think that way; women are booki T 
have not read yet. 

Clom Gad, i could fet you a fwcct leflbn,. brother. 

Car, 1 am as well here, fir. [^Reads% 

Cha, Good for no earthly thing; a flock ; ah, that 
Clodf. 

Enter Monfieur. 

MonJ. Sire, here be de fevcral forte of de jafliminc 
d'onuigerie vidout, if you pleafe to mak your Qioice. 

^t Oh. 



10 LOVE MAKES A MAN; OR, 

do. Mum, fir! I n.uft beg pardon for a monu 
moll important bufinefs calls me afide, which I wi 
patch i%ith all imaginable celerity, add reCuriMo i 
petition of my dcliic to continue, fir, your moft o 
and faithful huntble fervant. [Exit Clodio h 

Cha. ftiih, he*? a pretty fellow. 

jfnt.HoWj lir, if you pieafe, fmcc we have g< 
other ilohe, we'll put the mattera littl&clofcrto n 
' Cha*^ fis to little purpofe, I am afraid : but uf< 
pleafure, ■ fir. 
< Car. Flatodifkh from SpcraUsitiihta. [T0 h 

Atit. Come, come, pr'yihcc Carlos^ lay 'em t 
'cm agree at lei fu re. What, nohour ofintefruptii 

Car. Man's life, fir, being fo (hort, and than tl 
thtt4eads^to the k»oii ledge x)f our fcWcsjfia har 
tedious, each minute fhould be^dxecious^ 

jitU. Ay, but to thrive in this worlt^, Caths^ yoi 
pmt a little with this bookifli contcmplsh4U),^nd-p 
yourfdf for action. If :you will ftudy, let it be' tc 
what part of my laud's fit for the plough ; whj 
paiUire j to buy and fell my ilock to the bcft advai 
and cure my cattle when they are on:r-grownw; 
' hour. Ihiis now u^uld turn tofome account. 

Car. This, fir^ may be done from what I've 

for what concehis tillage, \^ho can better deliver i 

Virgil in his Georgia ? And, for the cure of herd 

Fi^c//Vjarea mafter-piece; but when his art del 

the ccratT.on -wealth of btes, their iniluftry, their 

than human knowledge of the herbs from which 

rather honey, their laws, their government among 

felves, their order in going forth, and coming laden 

their ftri6t obedience to their kin^ j his jull 1 e^vnrds t 

-a^ labour, his puniftlment inflicted only on the 11 

drone ; I'm ravifli'd with it, ti.en reap indeed m; 

▼eft, receive the grain my cattle bring me, and 

* fifid wait and honey. 

• Ant, Hey day! Georget ! and Blue-ftitks^ and 

'wax ! What, art thou mad ! 

thd* Raving, raving! 

iiar. No, fir, the knowledge of this guards me 



THE FOP'« FORTUNE. xi 

Jitt. But can you find, among all your niufiy roanu- 
fcripts, what pleafure he enjoys that lies in the arms of 
a young» rich, well-(bdpcd| healthy bride ? anfwer me 
that,, ha, lirl 

Car. 'Tis frequ^t, fir, in fiory ; thf re I read of ajl 
kinds of virtuous, and of vicious women ; the ancient 
Spartan dames, the Roman ladies, their beauties, their 
deformities, and when I light upon a Portia^ or a Cornei 
Ua^ crown'd with ever blooming truth and virtue, with 
fuch a feeling 1 perufed their fortunes, as if I then had 
lived, and tailed of their lawful envied love : but when 
I meet a Mffalina^ tired and unfated in her foul dcfires; 
a Clytemmeftra^ bath'd in her huihand's blood; an impi' 
ous TuUia whirling her chariot o*cr her father's breath- 
lei's body, horror invades my faculties ; comparing then 
the numerous guilty, with the cafy count of thofe that 
die in innocence, I deteH and loath em as ignorance or 
atheifm. 

Ant, Andyou do refolvc then not to make payment 
of the >dcbc you owe me ? 

Car, What debt, good fir ? 

Jnt. Why, the debt I paid my father, when I got 
you, fir, and made him a grandfirc ; which I expert 
Irom you. I won't have my name die. 

Car, Nor would I ; my laboured (ludies, fir, may 
prove in time a living ilTue. 

Ant. Very well, fir ; and fo I (hall have a general 
collcdHon of all the quiddits from Adam 'till this time, 
to be my grandchild ! 

Car, I'll take my beft care, fir, that what I leave 
may not fiiamc the family. 

Cba, A fad fellow this ! Tliis is a very fad fellow. 

iJjiic. 

Antm Nor you won't take care of my e(latc ? 

Car, But in my wifhes, fir: for know the wings on 
which my foul is mounted, have long fincc borne her 
pride too hit^h to fioop to any prey that foars not up- 
wards ; fordid and dunghill minds, compofed of earth, 
liz in that grofs element their happincfs ; but great and 
pure fpirits> itrakipg that clog of human fr«i|ty o^ be- 
come refined, tibid free as the ethereal air* 

A 6 Jnt. 



it LOVE MAKE& A MAN; OR, 

jiMi» So ill Ihoit you .would noc marry mi ettiprefs I 

Car, Give me leave to .enjoy myfelf; the clofet A9$ 
contains my chofen books, to me% a glorious court iyaf 
venerable companions there, the old fages and phitilfb- 
phersy ibmetimes the greateft kings and heroes, wh^e 
counfels I have leave to weigh, and call their victories, 
ifubjuttly got, unto a ftri^l account, and in my fancy 
dare defect their ill -placed ftatues. Can! then part wkh 
lolid. con^ant pleafures, to clafp uncertain vanities ? No, 
fir, be it your care to fwcU your heap of wealth, inarry 
my brother, and let him get you bodies of your name; 
1 rather would inform it with a foul.-—! lire you, firw-* 
your pardon, and your leave.—- Lights there for my ftu- 
dy. lExit Carlos. 

' Ata. Was ever man thus tranfported from the common 
ienfe of his own happinefs ? A ftupid wife rogue, I could 
beat him. Now, if it were not for my hopes in young 
Cloifyy I might fairl^ conclude my name were at a pe- 
riod. 

Cba. Ay, ay, he*s the match for my money, and my 
girl's too, 1 warrant her. What fay you, fir, (hall we 
tell 'em a piece of our mind, and turn em together in* 
ftantly ? 

jlnf. This minute, fir, and here comes my young 
jrogue in the very nick of his fortune. 
Enter Clodto* 

jint. Clody^ a word I 

Clo. To the wife is enough : your plcafure, fir? 

Atu. In the mean time, fir, if you pleafe to fend your 
daughter notice of our intended vifif. \To Cha» 

y Cba. V\\ do*t— hark you, friend. \JVhlfp€rs a/ervattt* 
• Enter Sancho behind. 

San. I doubt my maftcr has found but rough wcU 
come! He's gone fupperlefs into his ftudy ; I'd fain 
know thereafon— — It may be fome body has horrowed 
one of his books^ or fo I muil find it out. 

'-* [Standi afid^ 

Clo. Sir, you could not have Parted any thing more 
agreeable to my inclination ; and for the young lady^s 
fir, if this old gentleman will pkafe to gtveme a^ghtti 



'I'HB FOP'i FORTUNE. ty 

^«*, you dMll fee me whip into her*i^ la ihc cutting ©f 
» cmper. 

Citf. Well! purfiie, and conquer; tW let me tetl, 
J^y'BTf my girl has wit, and will give you as goed at 
you brin^; (he has ^fmartway, lir, 

Clo. Sir, I will be as fraart as (he ; I haye my (hare 

of courage; I fear no woman alive, iir, having always 

fbuudi that love and aiTurance ought to be as infrparahle 

companions, as a beau and a (nm box, or a curate and 

m tobacco*(lopper. 

Cha. Faith thou art a pleafant rogue ; Pgad fhe muft 
' like thee. 

Cla* I know how to tickle the Tadies, fir— In Paris 
3 had conftantly two challenges eveiy morning came up 
^%vith my chocolate, only for being pleafant company 
"•he night before with the'firft ladies of quality. 

Cifa. Ah,* filly envious rogues I Pr'ythee,'what do 
^ou do to their ladies ? 

San, Politivcly, nothing. [-^J^di^ 

Clo* Why, the truth is, 1 did make the jades drink » 
kittle too fmartly ; for which, the poor dogs the princtt 
«ould not endure me. 

Cha. Why, hafl thou really converfed whh the r&fal 
j^amily f 

Clo. Converfed with *em ! Ay, rot *enr^ ay ! ay f— 
^ou muftknow fome of 'em came with me half a day 'is 
^umey, to fee me a little on my way hither: but Pgad 
I fent young Louis back again to Mai It as drunlcsea 
tinker, hy Jove! Ha! ha! ha! I can*^t but laugh to 
tkink how old Monarchy growl*d at him next morning. 

Chat Gad-a-mercy, boy ! well ! and I warrant thou 
wert as intimate with their ladies too ! 

San. Juft alike, I dare anfwer for him. [JfiJem 

Clo. Why, you fhall judge now, you fliall judge— - 
Let me fee ! there Was, 1 and Monfie»r''''^no I no ! no I 
Monfieur did not fup with us. Thtre was land Prince 
Grandmcnt^ Duke de Bongrace, Duke de BellegraJ e 
t^/%r<w//r— — yes— yes, Jack was there !> -Count ds 
iEfprit^ Mare/cbal Bombard^ and that pleafant dog the 
Yfkict de Kauunhas. We fix now were . all at fupper, 
.allf in good humour, Champaign was the word, and 

wit 



14 LOVE MAKES A MAN r OS, 

wit iew ftbotot the moiPt like a, ppdi oi .tofiof^ cawk 

Now, 'fir, in MaJam*^ adjacent lodgiog«| tkm 

iMppen'd to'be the ielf fam^ number* of lddies»ulifor 
tb$ f4tigjje of a ballet, diverting thcmfelr^t with Rm» 
t'^^ and the fpleen; fo dull, they were not able- |o 
talk, tbo' it were fcandaloufly even of their bed friooda: 
fpii (ir, after a profound filence atlaft.one of them g^ped 
>■■ O gad ! fays (be, would that plea(ant dog C4^ 

were here to hadiner a little ■ H ey, fays a fecon^ 
and ilretch'd. Ah ! Mon Dieu ! fays a third- ■ » anj 
waked. <^*— Could not one find him, fays a fourth ? ■■ 
and Icer'd.— O! burn him, fays a fifth, Ifaw him go 
out with the naily rakes of the Blopd again ■ ■ ■ ui a 
pet.«-— *Did youio, faysa fixih— — Paf<//>/ we'll fpoil 
that gang prcfently— in a paflion. Whereupon, fir, in 
two minutes, I received a billet in four words— -^C^m« 
n9us voui ^tmofuhns: fabfcriber^, GrandmoMt, Jioiigrmce^ 
Biilc^raJe^ l^E/prit^ Bombard^ Hautenbas^ 

Cba, Why, thefe are the vjsry names of the princc9 
you fuppM with, 

do, £very foul of *em the individual wife or fiilcroL 
every man in the comjpany ! fplit me! Ha! hai 

Cha. And jfnt. Ha! ha! ha! 

S'att. Did ever two old gudgeons fwalfow fo greedily ? 

l4Adi. 

AnU Well ! and didfl thou make a night on*t, boy ? 

C/o. Yes, I'gad, and morning too, fir ; for about 
eight oVlock theneiu day, flap they all foufedupon their 
knees, kifsM round, burnt their commodes, drank my 
health, broke their glalTes, and fo parted. 
. . Ant, Gad-a-mcrcy, Cloiiy ! nay, 'twas always a wil4 
young rogue r 

Cha. I, like him the better for't— — he's a plcalant 
one, I'm furc 

Jnt* WtU, the rogue gives a raife account of hit 
travels. . 

Clih rgaa, fir, I have a cure for the fpleen ; a ha ! I 
know bow to wriggle myfelf into a lady's favour-^^— **gi?e 
gneieave when you plcafe, fir. 

• duh Sif} youfbaii have it t^^li^ momenCr«»faiili, Hike 

hHi|«-» 



''THE FOP'i FORTUNE. tg 

Vi\m«»you remember the conditions, fir ; three pAftt of 
your euate to him and bis heirs. 

Jht. Sir, he defer 768 ic all ; 'tis not a trifle (hall part 
cm : you fee Carlos has gircn over the world { Til 
Undertake to buy his birth right for a flic If of new 
books. 

Cba. Ay ! ay I get you the writings ready with your 
other fon*s hand to *em; for unlefs he iigns, the con* 
v-cyanceis of no validity. 

JaK I know it, fir,— they iliall be ready with bit 
^and in two hours. 

Cka> Why then come along, my lad, and now 1*11 
-fliew thee tomy daughter. 

Cio» I dare be iheMn, ^Wy-^AUons ! Hey, Suhuonp 

^^ ^mour. {Extunt.'^ 

Sancbo comes forwanh 

San, How! my poor mafter, to be difinhcriteJ, for 

'^%ioHfieur ! Sa! fa! there; and I a locker on too I If we 

i^avc fludied our tnajon and our minor i^ antf cedent ^^ and 

^^nfequtnts^ to be concluded coxcombs at ltd, we have 

■"•ladc a fair hand on't ; I am glad I know of this roguery, 

^^owever; I'll take care my matter's uncle, old Don 

-^Levcis^ ftiall hear of it ; for tho' he can hardly read a pro* 

^-^lamation, yet he dotes upon his learning ; and-if he be 

^ hat old rough telly blade he ufed to be, we may chance 

^o have a rubbers with 'em firft— — Here he comes, -/re- 

"Enter Donljtwis. 
D. Lew. Sancbo ! Where's my boy Carlos ? what, if 
Vic at it ? Is he at it? — Deep— deep, I warrant him-*- 

Sancbo ! a little peep now one peep at hira thro' the 

^cy-hole— -I muft have a peep. 
^" San. Have a care, fir, he's upon a magical point. 
D. Lew. What, has he loft any thing ? 
San. Yefl, fir, he has loft with a vengeance. 
~). hew. But what, >*hat, what, what, firrah ! What 
? 
San. Why, his birth-right, fir, heisdi— di— dis— — 
jdifinherited. [Sobbingi 

' ■". Lew. Ha ! how I when ! what ! where ! who ! what 
thou mean ? 

San. 




ih^ LOVE MAKES A MAN| ^R^ 

- Sihl His farothcFy fir, is to mSLxry Angelina ^ tht pm 
Keirefs, to enjoy three parts of His £ither^8 eftate ; and 
my mafier is to have a whole acre of new books^ for fi^ 
ting his hand to the conyeyance. 

* D. Lrvo. This muft be a lye^ firrah,. I wrii hare it' 
a lye, ' , ' ^ 

"[ San, Wkh all ray heart, lirf but here comes my old 
thafler, and the pick-pocket the lawyer i they'll tell yoii> 
more, 

'Enter hntomo and a llkvyer. 
. Jnt. Here,^ fir, this paper has your fall infirudtibns f 
pray be fpeedy, fir ;: I don't know bmt we may coupk 
em to-morrow ; be fure you make it firm. 
' Law. Do you fecure his hand, fir, I defy the tew to* 
gire him his title again. • ^Exh.- 

San, What think you nonv, fir? 

D. Le^. Why, now methinks l*m plcafed— ;— this- 

is right I'm pleafcd— mull: cut that Lawyer's 

throat tho*— mull bone him— —ay ! 1*11 have hii» 
tenoned- aiid potted. 

Jnf> Brother, how is*t ? 

' D. Dtv, O mighty well mighty well'» 

let's feel your pulfe-— feverifli. 

[Looh earneftfy i« Antonio's /ace^ and <^r fdmt' 
faufe^ ivhifles a piece of a tune- 

Jint. You are merry, brother.. 

D. Lew^ It's a lye. 

Jnt. How, brother ? 

D. Lew, A damnM lye — I am not merry. {^Smilh^i' 

Ant, What are you then h 

D. Lew. Very angry. [Laugiim^. 

jfnt^H'i ! hi ! hi ! at What, brother ? [Mimicking Him. 

D. Lew, Why, at a vtry wife fettlement I have made 
lately. 

Jnt, What fettlement,. good brother :; I find he has* 
heard of it. "• \,Jfide. 

D.iew. What do you think I have done ? 1 

have— this deep head of mine has— difinherited my 
elder fon, becaufe his underfianding's an honour to^mj 
family I and giveivit all to my yoonger^ becaufe he% m^ 



puppy! a puppy? 



Jul^ 



THE FOP*8 FORTUNE, 17 

^MC^oniey. I gaefi at your meaDuiff* (brother^ * 
..D. Lmv.^ Do you A>, fir ? why then 1 muft tell ]rou 
lat ai^d pIfiiiVt my boy'Ca»las mua and Ikall inherit it.^ 

j^nt. I fay no« unlcfs Cartas had a fooV to value hit 
ortunet what! he (hould manage eight thoufand 
:rowD8 a year out of the Metaft^fiekt ! jijroncmf (hould 
ook to my vineyards ! Harmce (mnild buy off my wines I 
Tragedy fhouid kill my mutton ! Hiftory mould cut down 
ny hayj Htfkvtfr.ihouid get in my corn ! Tttyretu Pa^ , 
uia loo]( to, my ih^ep ! and Gt&wmty bring my barveft 
lome ! Hark you, brother, do you know what leam* 

D. Lew. What if I don% fir, I believe it's a fim 
thing, and that's enough — Tho' I can fpcak no Gretk^ 
[ love and hopour the found of it, and CarU$ fpeaks it 
ibft\ly ; Tgad, he thunders it out, fir; and let me tell 
^ou, fir, if yoa had ever the grace to have beard but 
&x4inot<>fvAf^tf«/,or Homtr^ov Itutd^ or any of the Gretk 
poets, ddt heart !. it would have made your hair ftanll 
m end I firi he has read fuch things in my hearing'— 

Ant. But did you underdand 'em, brother ? 
» 'Dr,L$-w* I teli.yDu,:Do. What does that fignify ? 
the very found's afufficient comfort to an honeft man. 

AfH* Fyl fyl I .wonder you talk fo^ you^ that aro 
aid, and. (hould underiland. i . - 1 

D.Lew. Should, fir! Yes, and do, fir: fir, Td liavo 
you to know, I have ftudied, I have run ovtST hiftory^ 

Anu Yes, like a cat over a harpfichord, rare mnfick* 
vvY^u have read catalogues, 1 believe^ Come^ come> 
bcother, my younger boy is a fine gentleman. 
:.. JDI4 Ltw. A fad.dog.«-«-Pilbuy a prettier feUowin a 
pennyworth of ginger-bread. 

'^4»i^ Whatlprapofci tfttdo, fir, fay you your plea- 
fi up a-i ■ Here comes me I motl talk with' -WelU 
krotheTkf what news ? 

j6xr/«r Charino. 

Cha. 0\ to>oaffwi&es,r fir ;*C/0^'»'a right bait for 
H girl, .fir I a budding fprightly fellow : file's a little 
ihy at firft.; but I gave him his cue, and the rogue doeis 
foJt'hifk, and friik, and fing, and dance her about* 

* odfliudt 



s« LOVE MAKES A MAN; CHt, 

odibud ! he plays like a greyhound. Noble Don Irw* 
iSf I am your humble fervant : come, what fay yon? 
Shall I prevail with you to fettle fome part of yoor es- 
tate upon young O04 f 

D. Lew. Chdy / 

Cha. Ay, your nephew, CUnfj. 

Don JUiv. Settle upon him ! 

Cka. Ay. 

D. Ltw, Why, look you, I han't much land to fpare; 
but I have an admirable horfe pond«— I'll fettle that 
upon him, if you will. 

Ant, Come, let him have bis way, (ir, he's old and 
hafty; my eflate's fufficient. How does your daugh- 
ter, fir? 

Cha. Ripe, and ready, fir, tike a blufliing rofe, ihe 
only waits for the pulling. 

jint* Why then, let to morrow be the day. 

Cha. With all my heart ; get you the writiagi readyt 
my girl fliall be here in the morning.' 

D. Le^. Hark you, fir, do you fuppofe my Carin 
(hall 

Cha. Sir, 1 fuppofe. nothing;, what rU do, Fll juf- 
tify ; what your brother does, let him anfwer. - 

Ant. That I have already, fir, and fo good-morrow 
to your patience, brother. {^Exitmi Ant. and Char* 

D^^ijTu/. SanchQ ! 
. San. Sir. 

D. Lni. Fetch me fome gun-j>owder— qutck—qvick. 

San* Sir. 

D., Ixw* Some gun powder, I fay,— a barrel—— 
quickly — and, d'ye hear, three penny«worth of ratf- 
bane !— Hey ! ay, I'll blow up one, and poifon the 
other. 

^an. Come, fir, I fee what you would be at, ami if 
you. dare take my advice, (I don't want wit at m pinch, 
fir) t'en let me try, if I can fire my maiHer enough witk 
the praifes of theyouna lady, to m.tke him rival hit 
brother ;. that would blow 'em up indeed, fin 

D. Lew. Pfiia ! impofiible, he never fpoke fix words 
to. any woman in bis life, but hu bed maker* 



. THfL TOP'S FORTUNE. i$ 

u So mtich the better, fir; therefore, ifheipeakt 
. iu thsmore likely to be out of the road<^mrkt 
)gt ■ ' I muft wait upon hinu [Exii* 

Lgvi, "Thefe daimti'd old rogviet i^I eaoH look my 
boy in the face : but come, CarUs^ let'em go on, 
dialt not want money to buy thee books yet ■ ■ ■ ■ 
old fool thy father, and his young puppyt iiall 
are a groat of mine between *em ! Naft to plague 
i could find in my heart to fall fick in a pet, pre 
my eftate in a paffioo, and leave the world in a 

[Exit. 

End or tbe First Act* 



ACT II. SCENE coMtiMMis. 
EMitr Antonio a»4 Sancho. 

SIR, he (hall have what's fit for him. 
San, No inheritance, fir ? 
/• Enough to give him books, and a moderato 
tainances that's as much as be cares for; you 
like a fool, a coxcomb ; trouble him wiih land ■■ ■ 
*• Muft m^&trCiodia have all, fir ? ' -^ 
I/. All, all; he knows howtoufeit; he's a nan 
in this world ; t'other in the fiiies, his bufiooft is 
.«^r abpve :fiiurs s [Bill ring*} go, fee what ^ he 
J. 

■» Afaiher, lamfure, [JE^ri/Sanobo! 

r/« What, wilt none of my rc^es come near me 
,?wOI here they are. 

Enter fcveral Servan/s* 
,, fir, in the fird place can you procure me a plen« 
,^i«ner for about fifty, within two hour's ? Your 
tf (nafior is to be married this morning ; will that 
,you, fir ? 

^. Young mader, fir ! I wifii your honoor bad 
HQiie a little more warning. 
9i» Sir,, you. have as.much as I had ; I was not Jura 
half an hour ago. 



M l^VB MAKES A MaMJ OR, 

* • €M. fcr, I will try what I can do Hey ! Pidf f 

Orfmauf Come, ftir, ho ! [£*// Cook. 

jfmi. Butler, open the e^Uar to alt good fellows ; if 
IDof mtOL ofktt ttiTfiieakaway fober^ knock him down! 

lExewa* 
' JBniir Carios reaJ:ag^ Amt»tfe of chopping ivifhcut* 

CtfT. What a perpetual noife i hefe people make ! my 
head it broken with feveral noi&s ; and in every corner r 
I have forgot to eat and ileep» with reading ;^ all my 
fecufties turn into (Indy : what a misfortune tfs in hu- 
man nature, that the body will not live on that which 
feed! themlnd ! How unprofitable a pleafure it eating t 
^-Samekoi 

Enter Sancho. 

San^ Did you call, fir ? [Chopping i^ain* 

Car, Pr*ythee« what notfe it thit ? 

San. The cooks are hard at work, fir, chopping 
herbs, and mincing meat and breaking marrow -bonci* 

Car. And is thus at every dinner ? 

San. No, fir ; but we have high doingn to-day. 

Car. Well, fet this folio in its place again ; then 
make me a little fire^ and get a maachet ; Til dine alone 
•-«->rDoet my younger brother fpeak any Orttk yct» 
Santh9t . 

San. No, fir ; but he fpitt French like a magpye, and 
d&at's more in fafiiion. 

' dr. He ileps before me there ; I think I read it well 
enough to underftand it, but when I am to give it utte» 
ranee, it quarrels with my tongue. [Chopping agah.^^ 
Again that noife ! pr*ythee tell me, 'Santbo; are there ' 
any princes to dine nerc ? > 

San. Some there arc as happy as princes, fir;— your 
brother's marry 'd to day. 

Car. What of that ? might not fix diflicsferve *cm? 
I never have but one, and eat of that but fprtngly. 

San. Sir, all the county round is invited ; not a dog 
that knows the houfe, but comes too : all open, fir. 

Car. Rr'ythee, who is it my brother marries I 

San. Old Cyitfri«o*s daughter, fir, the great heirefir 
a delicate creature ; young, foft, fmooth, fair, plump» 
and ripe as a cherry ——and they fay, modeft toer. 

Car. 



THE FOP'g FORTUNE. ar 

Car* That*s ftrans^e ; pr*yrhee how does thefe modeft 
fonien look ? to me they ever were but (hadows, feen 
and unregarded. 

San. Ah! would you faw this lady, fir, (he'd draw 
)rou farther than your Archmairt \ flje has a better fc- 
crct than any's in Ar'^ftotk^ if you ftudicd for it : I'gad 
you'd find her the prettied natural phiiofopher to play 
with ! 
Car. Is (he fo fine a creature ? 

San. Such eyes ! fuch looks ! futh a pair of pretty 
ptomp, pouting lips ! fuch ibftnefs in her voice ! fucn 
mufick roo ! and when (he fmiles, fuch rogui(h dimplet 
in her cheeks ! fuch a clear (kin ! white neck, and a 
little lower, fuch a pair of round, hard, heaving, what 

4*ye call -urns ah! 

Car, Why, thou art in love, Sancho. 
San* Ay ! fo would you be» if you faw her, fir* 
Car. I don't think fo. What fettlenent does my fa- 
ther make 'em ? 

San. Only all his dirty land, fir, and makes your 
brother his fole heir. 

Car, Muft 1 have nothing } 
, San. Books in abundance ; leave to Audy your eyes 
out, fir. 

Car. I am the elder born, and have a title too. 
San. No matter for that, fir, he'll have pofifeifioo— » 
<(fthe lady too. 

Car. I wi(h him happy he'll not inherit my liitIC' 

underfianding too ! 

San. O, fir, he's more a gentleman than to do that, 

Odsme! fir, fir, here comes the very lady, thC; 

bride, your fitter that muft be, and her father. 
Enter Charino and Angelina. 
Cha* Come, pr'ythcc put on a bri(ker look ; odf* 
beart, doft thou think in confciencc, that's fit for thy. 
w«dding-day ? 

San. btand clofe, you'll both fee and hear, fir. 
Citr, I ne'er faw any yet fo fair ! fuch fweetnefs in her 
look ! fuch modefiy ! if we may think the eye the win- 
dow to the heart, (he has a thoufand treafured virtuet 
there. [F^ingi away the booh* 

f San. 



2t LOVE MAKES A MAN; OR, 

Sau, So ! the book^ gone. [4fi^^» 

Aii^. Sir, I wi(h it were not quite fo fudcfen ; a littk 
time for farther thought perhaps had made ic eaficr to 
me : to change for ever, is no trifle, fir. 

Car* A wooder ! 

Cha, Look you, his fortune I have taken care of, 
and his perfon you have no exception to. What, in 
the name oiVenvs^ would the giil have ? 

Ang, I never faid, of all the world I made him, fir, 
my choice : nay, tho' lie be yours, I cannot fay I am 
highly pleafed with him, nor yet am averfe; but I had 
rather welcome your commands and him, than difobe- 
dience. 

Cha. O ! if that be all, madam, to make you eaiyi 
my commands are at your fervice. 

Ang^ I have done with my objedtions, iir. 

Car. .Such tmderftanding, in fo f#ft a form ! ■ ■ — 
Happy <— ^ Happy brother ! <— may he be happy, while I 
fit down in patience, and alone ! —I have gazed too 
much~— Reach me an Oi/fV. {Exeunt Car. tfv//Sao. 

Cha^ I fay, put on your beft look«, hufiey for 

here he comes, faith. 

EnUr Clodio. * 

My dear C/o^y. 

Cio. My dear, dear dad. \^Rmhracing.'\ Ha! TAa 
frincrjfs eta vus Ih /icne / A ha ! Non. non* Je we 
me connois guere^ &c. [^SingtJ] Look, look,-— o'fly-boots, 
whatf (he knows nothing of the matter ! But you will, 
^J^^^...._^gad, 1 fliall count the clock extremely tb- 
aight : Let me fee what time fiiall I rife to-mor- 
row?— Not till after nine,—— Ten,— —Eleven, for a 

piftole. . ^ X 

Enter Antonio, Don Lewis, ««// Lawyer. 
Ant. Well faid, Cloify ; my noble brother, welcome 
my fa'ur daughter, I give you joy. 

do. And fo will I too, fir. Alont ! Vitfons! ChM* 
Jons / DanfoMt ! Hey ! V autre jour ^ &c. 

\Sings and dancet^ He* 

Ant. Well faid again, boy. Sir, you and your writ- 

iagi arc welcome. What, my angry brother! nay, 

. you 



-THE FOP'8 FORTUNE. 13 

»u muft have your welcome too, or we (hall make but 
flat feaft on't. 

D. Lem* Siri I am not welcome, nor I won't be 
'elcome, nor no-body's welcon^ei and you are all a 
•arccl of 

Cha. What, fir ? 

D. I^w.— -Mifcrable wretches— •■—fad dogi. 

Ani, Come, pray, fir, bear with him, he's old and 
lafty ; but he'll dine and be good company for all this. 

D* L*w* A ftrange lye, that. 

do Ha, ha, ha ! poor Telly, ha, ha ! 

D. Lew. Don't laugh, my dear rogue, pr*ythee don*t 
au^ now ; faith, I ihall break thy head, if thou doft. 

Ck. Gad fo ! why, then I find you are angry at me, 
ieir uncle ? 

D. Lew. Angry at thee, hey puppy ! Why, what ! 
-ilrhat dofi thou fee in that lovely hatchet faceof chine, 
:hat*8 worth my being out of humour at ? Blood and 
Ere, ye dog, get out of my fight, or 

Jimt. Nay, brother, this is too far 

D. Lew. Angry at him ! a fon of a— fon's fon of 
a whore ! 

Clo. Ha, ha, poor peevifli 

D* Lew, I'd fain have fomebody poifon him. [To 
hit^slf.'] Ah, that /weet creature ! Mud this fair flower 
be cropp'd to ftick up in a piece of rafcally earthen 
Mrare ? I mud fpeak to her— —Puppy, Hand out of my 
way. 

, Clo. Ha, ha ! slj^ now for*t. 

D. Lew. [To Angelina.] Ah ! ah!— -ah! Ma- 

4^«— -1 pity you ; you're a lovely young creature, 
and ought to have a handfome man yoked to you, one 

•f underflanding too : 1 am forry to fay it, but this 

feUow's fcull's extremely thick he can never get 

any thing upon that fair body, but muffs and fnuff 
boxes; or, lay, he fliould have a thing ihaped like a 
child, you can make nothing of it but a taylor. 
Clcm Ods me ! why, you are tcfty, my dear uncle. 

D. Lew. Will no-body take that troublefome dog 
out of myfight«— -I can*t day where he is^*- Vn 

go 



LOVE MAKES A MAN ; OR* 

go fee my poor boy Carlos I*ve dilhirb*il joa^i 

dam ; your humble fervanr. 

Ant. you'll come again, and drink the brid 
health, brother ? 

D. Lew. That lady's health I may ; and, if i» 
give me leave, perhaps fir by her at table too. 

Clo^ Ha, ha ; bye nuncle. 

D. Iru;. Puppy, goodbye' [E^r/'/D.Lei 

Angm An odd humour'd gentleman. 

Jnt. Very odd indeed, child; I fuppofe in pi 
fpite, he'll make my fun Carlin hid heir. 

An^. Methinks i would not have a light head, i 
one laden with too much learning, at my father i 
thia Carlos 18 ; fure there's fomething hid in that gi 
tleroan's concern for him, that fpeaks him' not fo m 
«log. 

Ant. Come, (hall we go and feal, brother ? thepr 
fiays for us ; when Carlos has (ign'd the conveymnGe« 
he fliall piefently, we'll then to the wedding, and ft 
dinner. 

Cha. With all my heart, fir. 

Clo* AUom! ma chere Princeffe* [Eta 

Enter Carlos, Don Lewis and Sancho. 

D. Ln\.\ Nay, you are undone* 

Car. Then— I muft fludy, fir, to bear my fortno 

D. Le^v. Have you no greater feeling? 

San. You were fenfible of the great book, fir, w 
it fell upon your head ; and won't the ruin of j 
fortune iHr you ? 

Car. Will he have my books too ? 

IX Lew. No, no, he has a book, a fine one i 
called Tki Geutleman^% Recreation ; or, T/l/e fecret A* 
gittfig Sons and Daughters : Such a creature ! a bet 
in foho ! w«uld thou hadll her in thy fiudy. Cm 
tho' it were but to new-clafp her. 
San. He has feen her, fir. 

D. Lew. Well, and and 

Sam. He flung away his book, fir. 
D. Lew. Did he faith ! would he had flung awaj 
humour too, and fpoke to her* 



^ THE* FOP'g FORTUNK. ftf 

Car^ Muft my brother then have all? 

D. Lew. All, all. 

San* All that your father has, fir. 

Car. And that fair creature too ? 

Sau. Ay» fir. 

D. Lew. Hey ! 

Car. He has enough, then. [%i^Mf« 

D« Ltfiti. He have her, Carlos! why «'oai(|, wouldi 
that ii"^^ * hey I 

Car, M^y t not fee her^ fometimcf, and call her 
filter ? I'll do her no wrong. 

^ D« Lew. I cao't bear this ! 'Sheart, I could cry fof 
madncfs ! Flefh and fire ! do but fpeak to her» man. ; 

Car. I cannot, fir, her look reouires foniething of 
that difiant awe, words of that (oft refpedt, and ycf 
fuch force and meaning too, that I fiiould fiand con- 
founded to approach her/ and yet I long to wifii her 
joy. ■ Q were I born to give it too! 

D.Lew. Why, thou fiialt wiih her joy, boy; faitk 
(he 18 a goodhuiniour'd creature, lhe*il take it kindly. 

Car. Do you think fo, uncle? . ^ 

D. Ltw* I'll to her, and tell her of you. 

Car. Do, fir. Stay, uncle will (he not think 

me rude.? I would. not for the world offend her. 

D. Lew. 'Fend a fiddle flick ■■■let me alone— — 

Car. Nay, but, fir! dear uncle! 

X>. Lew. A hum ! a hum 1 [Exii D. Lewis*, 

Enier Antonio and the Lawyer -wito a writing. .... ' 

Ant. Where's my fon ? 
. Ban. There, fir, calling a figure : what chopping 
children his brother fiiall have, and where he fhall 
find a new father for himfelf. 

Ani* I fiiall find a flick for you, rogue, I ih^lL 
Carles^ how dofl thou do ? Come hither, lK>y# 

Car. Your plcafure, fir? 
.' Anu Nay, no great matter, child, only to put your 
name here a little, to this bit of parchment ; I think 
you write a reafonable good hand, Carlm. 

Car. Pray, fir, to what ufe may it be? 4 

B Anu 



«5 LOVE '^fMJiM^A' *AN r ok, 

^■\Anf. Onty' to'pkfs yoxiH title in th« 'fend I lunrtj to 
ydutbroiHei Civ,>'a. ■ ..... 

' 6Vr;-ik^«ijombre; fiff ' ' ' ''- " ■ "•-■'- 

Ztfw. 'lhaiVair/(ir. ' ' •" '•'■* 

^jfnt,. No, fatii •tisnothing'clfc ; Joolcybtis yoiifftall 
tjc piFbvidcd'ftir, yoii ifaallhave'Tv'harisocHcs yOu pV<i<Bi 
srtre' yoilr tticfans fhall come ih wrthotir yotir^-dopc; iM 
you (hall always ^ave a fervant to wait on yott< • • '-« - 
fiar Mr, I thank you ; but if you ptcafb, I had ra- 
ifitt'df^ it before the good compuny "Wow ; it beipgi 
Hr lo'irank a gift, *twill be fbme fniafl cornpltniiekit ft 
have it done m^fore the lady too t rhere 1 iliaU fign it 
clurarfuliy, and ^i(h my brother fortmic. . 

Jftt. With' alt my heart, child ; it h tht^iine thing 
come; '■■•■•• ' "-' • 

' C/7r, YbuMl eitcufe me, fir, iM malte no gr€it 'flay 
with you. 

Jnt. Do as thou w^lt, thou fhalt do any thing thou 

haft a mind to. [Extvnt Aiftohio. Carlos, and /irtiyer, 

San. Now he has undone himfelf for ever ; *0^itt9ifti 

1*11 down into the cellar, ^d be fiajrk dnmk for anger. 

The S C F. N E changet to s iTming ri^m.' ^' 
Enter Cbarino ivhh Angelina, Clodio, Don CcwlS| 
PrieU, tfW tf I aw^er. 

La'iv. Come, let him bring his ion's hand, an^ all*l 
done: are you ready, <r! ' .•...*■ w 

Ffuft: Sir, f (hall difpatch them')ii*fently, imaieA* 
ately ' for in truth i a-r an hungry. '■ ''^ -^' - 

6V . Tgad, 1 warrant you, thte prieO and 1 ■ oonld 
both fait towiihout laying griatct—^lia!' yott- little 
rogue ! what, you thiak itiong too ? • 

A'.g 1 find no fault, fir j better things Were ^'ell 
done, than done too haftily-*— ^-^ Sir, you look melan- 
choly. [ *i> D. I ewis. 

[.. L-w. Sweet fwelling MoiTom ! ah tbatTludthe 
ff^^ ri^g of thee ! t M-ovild (lick thee tn the bofom ofi 
prett) yo >ng fellow > ' Ah ! thoit hafl MHt^d riton 
(biit thathe is fo bv witch'd tohis ftudy,) fo far aMve 
th'r feather htaded piipjjy ■ ' ■■ K i 
. jinu Can he ta -k, tor > ' '-- 



THE FOFi FORTUNE. -. tf 

D. Ini». Like an aoggi ■ ■ to lUinfel f * ■ ' the 
devil » word to a woman : his language it all upoa the 
high boGnefs ; to Heaven, and heavenly. woMert, tm 
nature, and.l.er dark and i'ecret cauies. 

yi*ig- Does he ipeak lb well there, fir ? 
• D. Lt^^ To admiration ! fiich curiontioti bat h|e 
j^an't look a woman in the face ; if he doe<» he bluih^s 
like fifteen. 

jiMg. But a little converfation, methinkt— *— 
D. Lewm Why, fo 1 think too| but the boy's be- 
^wit^ed, and the devil can*c bring him to'c: Ihall I tEj 
;jf I call g^t him to wiih you joy f 

Jng. 1 (hall receive it as becomes bit. fider, . fir. 
,, fila^ liOokt look, old tefiy will fall ialove by and by; 
'Ws hard a' it, fpfit me. 

X ,. C^^ Let him alone, (he'll fetch him about, I war* 
rant yoii. 

I . :0(f, So, here my father comes ! now, prieft ! hey I 

my brother too ! that's a wonder ! broke like a fjpiiit 

f roni Ms ceil*. ... 

"i>i^* \y>^ :..:. - E»i^r Antonio a«</ Carlos, 

^v>^<t Ltfov.bdfo ! here he is ! that's he ! a little inclining 

to thV lean, or fo, but his underflanding':> the fatter 

.efflrfti r. ■ ' . •• 

Ant* Come, CarUs, *twere your defire to fee my fiir 
* daughfer and the good company, and to feal before 'em 
all, and give your brother joy. 

. , , J Icim. He d^ well ; 1 (hall think the better of him at 
long as I live. 
;}? - jCar.> Js this the lady, fir ? 
-v. Jwfm.Ay^ that's your filler, Carlot. 

Car. Forbid it, love I [/^Juic.'\ Do you not think 
J ■ ibi'li grace our fapiily ? 

Alt* No doubt on't fir. 
\ Cur. Should I not thank her for fo unmerited s^ grace? 
c \Mf* Ay, and welcome, Carlot. 
if),. JV Z»#w. Now, my boy J ^ve her a gentle twi(t,by 
fl^tho Sngcrs I. laj: your lips foftly, fofdy, clofeund plum 
ysU^h^*. , ( \ : s- ■ ■ M/«r/ <*/ Carlos. 

Car. Par(]on a ftrangerV freedom, lady-^— * j Satuus 
Angelina] Difiblving (oftncfsl O the drowning joy ! -*- 
^^iiap^, happy he that fips eternally fucb ncAar down, 
B a that 



a9 LOVE MAKES A MAN; OR, , ^ 

' * . * 

thirt uflconfiiv'd may lave aud wanton there' m-fatekft 
dratigfctft of ever fpringi^g beauty. —But yea, fair 
creature, ibarc by far the higher joy ; if, as I've read 
(nay, now am fute) the fole delight ofiove lies only in 
ihc power lo give. 

Jitg. How near bis thoughts agree with mine ! This 

the mere fcholar I was told of 1 I /ifiJe.] I find; 

fir, you have experienced love, vyou fcem acquainted 
with the paffion. 

Car. IVe had, indeed, a dead paleglimpfc in theory* 
bat never faw th' enlivening light before. 

jlfjg. Ha! before! Z4fi^^» 

jint* Well, tlvefc are very fine complini^nts, Carhs % 
but you fey nothing to your brother yet. 

Car. O yes, and wi(h him, fir, with any otfier beauty 
(if poffible) nooFC lading joy than J could taAe with 
her. 

Jiitg, He fpeaks unhappily. 

■ Ch, Ha I — what do you fay, brother ? 

^nt. Nay, for roy part, I don't underfland him; 

£ha. Nor I. 
^ D. Leiv, Stand clear, I do * and that ftvect crta- 
' ture too, I hope. 

Jn^. Too well, I fear. [Al/idt\. 

jint. Come, come, to the writing, Carlos i pr'ythce 
leave thy ftudying, man. 

Car. 1*11 leave my life firft ; I (ludy now to be a man ; 
bcfi>re, ^Ixtt man ivas^ was but my argument ; m 

I am now on k\\q proof ! I find, I feel myfelf a ihan — 
nay, I fear it too 

D. Le^v, He ha. it ! he has it ! my boy's in for't. 

Clc. Come. come,. will you 

D. Lew. Stand out of ihe way, puppy. 

[ Inter: ofing ivith his f>ack to Clodio. 

Car. Whence i? it, fair, that while I offer fpeech to 
you, my thoughts want words, my woids their free and 
honeft uiterjmce } Why is it thus I tremble at jrour 
touci:, aiKf fear your frown yet fliould my df arefl friend 
•or broker dare tochecK my vain deluded wiQ.cs, O! I 
flvould turn and tear hini Ike an offended lion— — •— 
is this, can it mnft it be in a filler's power ? 

Clo. Come, €onic, will you fign brother ? 

D. Ltvi. 



. THE POP's rOILTUNa . . ' S9 

I>- Ln9^ Time enough^ P^ppy* 

C/o. I fay, will you lign, Ifrothef ? ' /> • ■ 

- Car. Away^ I have no time fdr tiiRcs ! Room for an 
cider brothei- • ■ 

i). Lfffv; Why, did act 1 bid thee ftand out of the 
way now. 

. J^AA. Ay» but this is tn^ing^ Carbs! coAie, come, 
your hand, man. 

Car, Your pardon, (ir, T cannot feal yet j had yov 
only (bew'd mc land, 1 had refign*d it htty andpr^ud 
to have bcflow'd it to your pleai'ure ; 'tis care; *tis dirt, 
and trouble : but you have opened to me facha treafurc, 
iiich un magined mines of folid joy, th*it. I perceive nty 
temper llubborn now, even to a churliTn avarice of lo?o» 

jlut And fo yon won't parr with your title, Tir? 

Car. S* oner ui'h my loul oi r afi)n, be a pl«nt, a 
faeal\ a filh/a fy. and odiy make tht mimk^r at thing* 
up, thm yield one fo f ot land — if ihe be tied to't. 
; Ci'd. I df)D't like ttiis he lalks odly, -methinks. 

jinj^. Yet with a biavei) of foul' migbt warm the 
cdhdeft heart/ [^AJlde, 

CI0, Pfliaw, pox, pr'ythce brothcr» you had better 
think of thofe thini;s n y( ur Ihuly, man ! 

Car. Go you and lUidy, for 'tis.time» young brother: 
turn o*er the tedious volumes 1 have read ^ th nk, and 
^igeft them well! the wholfomeft fo^>d for green conw 
iumptive minds; nor dare to dream of marnage vov/t 
!til1,thou ball taught thy foul, like mine, to love .■» 

^1 it for thee to wear a jewel of this ineftimable worth ? 

D. Lrw. Ah! Carloi! What fay you to the fcholar 
mow, chicken ? 

. jing, A wonder! Is this gentleman your brother, 

fir? . [nClodio; 

Cb, Hey! no, my Madam, not quite-— that it 

he is a little akin by the- — Pox oh him, would he 
were buried-* — 1 can*t tell what to fay to him, fplic nic". 

jlnt, Pofitively, you will not feal then, ha? 

Car- Neither — I (hould not blindly fay I will not 

fea l ' ■ ■ Let mc inrreat a moment's paufe— -^ for, 

even yet, perhaps, I may. ISighing. 

^ng. Forbid it, fortune ! 

Aht. O, may you fo, fir ! B 3 CU. 



^"€h. Ay\ fijr! bcjt Wbar» youtrecoinetojrouHelfi 
1 findt *fli€art! 

C6a. Ay, ay, give him a little time, he'll think better 
on*t, ril warrant yon. >/- . .' 

Ca< Pferhapg y wircgcatoret I have done yon witbg, . 
wftoG^ phglht^d loiM and hppe ^ent hand in hand toge* 
ther } O forbid it, !o?e ! forbid it, n«cure and humanity ! 
I haVe no land, no fortime, life, or bemg, while your 
neceSty of peace requires 'em.- 

CAn. Why ay ! thrre't ibme cirility m thia. 

Gv. The fellow really talks very prettify. . i 

C^r; Bmif in bare compliance to a tather*tVill, ^ou 
iioi#*but lufTer marriage, or what's worfe, give it as«il 
extorted bond« impoted on the fimpliclryofyodr youth, 
and dare confeis you wi(h fome honefi) fiicndiv^iiiild 
fave, or free you from ita hard conditions ; 1 then ligain 
hWvcTand^ have lifei and refoiution, waiting fiiil i^n 
jour happier fortune. f 

C?/% Uii~, ha ! pert enough, that ! Pgad ^ I \oug to 
fee what thb willcome to ! 

Prje/f. In truth, unlefs fomebody is married prefenttyt 

fhedtnner witlbe^p<Nl'd, and then nobody will be 

aMeto eat h. 

■ Car. Coniider, fair one, now's the very crifit of our 
fare : you cannot have it fare, to silk if honour be the 
parent of my love : if you can love or live, and -think 
your heart rewarded there, like two young vinea we*U 
curl together, circling our fouU in never-ending joy; 
Ve*H fpring together, and we'll bear one fruit ? one joy 
iiiall make us imile, one forrow mourn ; one age go 
with us, one hour of death fliall clofe our eyei, and one 

eoFd grave iball hoUl us happy Say but you hate 

me not ? O fpeak ! give me biit the fofteft breath to that 
tranfporting thought. 

Anjr. Need 1 then fpeak ! to fay, I am far from ha* 

ling yoit I would fay more, but there ta nothing 

£t for me to fay. 
' • • C'vt. ill bear it no longer 

jing. On this you may depend, I cannot Uke that 
marriage which was propofed me. 

Car. How (hall my foul requite this goodaefi f 

Cha. 



THE fX>ri FOKTVNKv. M 9^ 

Cha. Beyond' patience] Tbir b d^nright • ipfolenQC ! 
roguery! part 'cm t ♦ ■ ."i ^: nj \ 

-»f«/.-Pan»cm. »^ . . v ' 

Clo. Ay J ay, part *em, part 'era*. .,• . • ? ,. ; ] ^ 1 
D« /.ray* Doll \ dum I dnro ! ■ m i ■ i ■ » .; .•: „> 

Chfa. Call an officer, I'll b6ve >« fonccd:afeitKlf r^ ,j ,' 
jtf«f« Nay, then 1 ani red need- to take protc^ion.bfre. 

CVr. O extafy of heart \ tranrporUDg* joy f . • ^ 

- D. ^fw. Lorra! dorroU lolt \^iKgi ^nd ii^nfti\ 

- Cha. A plot! a plot againft my hqnour I. .mur^r ! 

Ireafont ^un -powder! Til be revenged ! . [Kxii^ 

,. jfMf. Sir, you (hall have £ctMifai6Hon« .j 

€ka. I'H be revenged ! 1. 

. Jhu Car las, I Tay, forego the lady. . / i 

. . Car. Never^ while I hi^fc fenfe of beiag, life, or mp»- 
tion. ' 

.v Ctt. Yott won't? Gadfo! What» then I find I nCuft 
lag out upon thtt bufiuefs ? :if //osji / th^ lady, fir!. , ^ 
^ .D. Ltw^ Lorra ! dorrol ! loll ! . 

\ . I ■ . [Prtfem^M bit pouit to- Clbjio^ 

* dr. Hi>ld uncle ! Come brother i ilieatb your a^jcr, 
m * ^ 1 . r^l do my bed to fatufy ybu ail—— but fird I 
mould intreat a blcfTing here* 
..r^Ant. Ourof my doon, thou art no Ton of mine. 
f.- [Exit Ant. 

. V Cir. I am forry I have loft a father, fir — '*For you, 
pother, iince once yon had a feeming hope, in Heu ^f 
ifhat yog*vc lo(^ half of my birth -right. 
-*', (C/fv No halves ! no halve?, ftr ! tlie whole lady ! ^ . 
t -Car. Why, then the whole, if you can like the termt.' 
f r.Chm What terms ? what terms } Come, quick, quick* 

Car, The firft is this {SmUihes Don Lewises 

fworJJ] Win her, and wear her ; for on my foul, unlcft 
|ni»yrbody fail^ my mind (liall never yield thee up a thought 
in love. 

* D. Lew. Gramercy, Carhs! to him, boy ! l*gad, diis 
ip^e has made a man of htm. 

Car. This is the firft good fword lever-poifedin ange^ 

yet; ^tis (harpr j'ln fure ; if it but hold my putting home, 

B 4 I fliall 



32 LOVE MAKES A MAN| OR, 

I fhall fo hunt ^'our infolence ! . I feel the fire of 

ten ftrong {pints within me : wcrt thou a natire fencert 
in fo fair a caufe, I thus fhould hold thee at the woril: 
defiance. 

Cio.. Look you, brother, take care of yourfclf, I iliall 
ccxxAnly be in you the firfl thruft ; but it you had ratheri 
i*ye fee, mc'II talk a little calmly about this bufincfs. 

Car, Away, trifler! 1 would be loth to proye thee a 
coward too. 

Clo^ Coward ; why then, really, fir, if you pleafe, 

TOidnflfs the word, brother ; you are a fon of a whore 

'^AUoas ! SjHjey fight and Clodio ii difarmtd. 

. Car, There, fir, take your life— -and njend it— — 

j^ng. Are you wounded, fir ? 

Car. Only in my fears for you : how fhall we beflow 
XL9^ uncle ? 

,.p,Le-w. Poiltively, we are not fafe here, this lady 
being an heircfs. Follow rae. 
1. Car. Good angels guard us. {^Exeunt with Ang« 

t/t». Gadfo! I never fenced fo ill in all my life ■* 
never in my life, fplit me ! 

Enter Monfieur. 

Movf. Sire, here be dc trompcte, de haute-boy^, de niu- 
fique^ de chaltre danfer, dat defeer to know if you fal be 
plcafe to 'ave de nwfque begin. 

Clo. Hey t what does this puppy fay now ? 

Monf, Sire, de mufique. 

Clo. Why ay that's true but — tell 'em- 
plague on *em, tell 't m, they are not ready tuned. 

Monf. Sire, dare is all tune, all prepare. 

Clo, Ay ! Whv, then, tell 'cm that my brother's wife 
again, and has fpoil'd nil, and I am bubbled, and fo I (han't 
be married till next tim^ : but 1 have fought with him, 
and be has difai med me ; and fo he won't releafe the 
land, nor give me my miflrcfs again; and I— —lam 
\Uidone, that's all. [ExeuiU* 

Etifn Chariwo, Antonio, officers and fervantu 
■ Cha, Officer, do your duty : I fay, feize 'cm all* 

Jlrst Carry *em this minute before a— How now I 
what, aliped? ' 

^ Cha. 



■ THE POP's tORTtJNE- 3$ 

Cha. Ha ! my girl I my chiW ! my Jieirefs ! I am 
sdniicd ! I am cheated ! I am robbed ! 1 am raTilbed I 
murdered ; and flung in a ditch. • 

Ant, Who let *cm out ? Which way went they, Til- 
laini > 

\ Semf. Sir, we |iad no order to flop them \ but they 
went out at that door. 

Cha, I'll purifue them with bills, warrants, a^iontv^ 
writs and malice : Vm a lawyer, fir; they Ihall find I 
underfland ruin, *. 

*' jfnt. Nay, they (hall be found, fir ; run you to the 
port, firrah $ fee if any fhips are going off, and briDg 
ut notice immediately. 

Enter Sancho drunh, 

San* Ban, ban, cac-caliban! [Sings.* 

Ant, Here comes a rogue, IMl warrant, knows the 
bottom of all ! Where's my fon, villain ? 

San, Son, fir! 

Cha, Where's my daughter, firrah? 

San. daughter, fir! 

Cha, Ay, my daughter, rafcal ! 

San. Why, fir, they told me juft now, fir-— that 
ihc*s— — file's run away. 

Ant. Dog, Where's your mafter ? 

San, My mafter! why, they fay he i a » ' f 

Ant. Where, firrah ? ' ' ■- 

San. Why, he is— —he is- gone along with her. * 

Ant. Death! you dog, difcover him, or ■ ■ % 

San. Sir, I will 1 will. 

Ant. Where is he, villain ? . 

San. Where, fir ? Why, to be fure ke is ■ ■ > he it - 
^ ■ I upon my foul, I don't kno\v, fir. 

Ant, No more trifling, rafcal. 

San. If 1 do, fir, I wiili thib may be my poiib'n. [DriiJ^Sd 

Ant, Death ! you dog, j^et out of my houfe, or I'll 
»■ So fir, have you found him ? 

Re-enter thefervant baftHy^ Clodio and Monfieur. 

Clo, Ay, fir, hare you. found 'em ? 

Serv. Yes, fir, I had fight of 'cm ; but they were juA . 
jot on board a fmall veflel, before I could overtake *cm» 

Cba. Death and furies ! 

B S 4^U 



Sery. Sir, I could not difcovrer that; :lmt'tliflj:*eflB 
itillbdtjrc the ^itfd^ Myjitfa « vclry fmitit g^le./ ;v\ , a 
, Jnt, What fliall wc do, broihert k .. :, ..i j..T:'ii ur* 
''€¥(?; Be #Bihi^tdi»fMt]^^1ic^ folkyW^'tfm{ fbllow^^iib 

ftlp'l PH puffuc ^em thro* Wl the^eltnienti.; ! -^ 

: Cid. rilfoUiowyou byth^noitheniiar. :<: 
- \4^, Run to .th« ]>or| ajrain, ro^ue : hira « fli^». aid 
^\\ *etii they'Riui^ hdift fail immediatety^ ' 

Clo. And you rogUe, run to my ;ch«iilber^ fill up mjr 
fitt<ff:bdiC-i*--Cfftfn It hard, you dog,-akid'bb' here, ugain 
H^fbneyou gctthirhcr; - t — , •! \\^EmUfw^nU 
■'Ant: Whaf,' will you c&ki^uofhin; clfc boy*? . .. 
V ' Kih. Nothing^ * fir, ■ %ut fottff ttxt'cypomimty ." ' p n.i *i<' 
ire're b haite. .^^«i / hey ; /ii v»U* < ' [Ej^igi/. 

'Endofthl SkconD Act. • ..'• i 

. Act, in. Hie SCfiNE Liibotf.. - ., 

£»/^r Elnra, Dwi Duart, and G^vtrni^^ ; ' 

£iar.T^EAR brother, let me intreat yoUi'ftay ; why 
1/ will you provoke your danger ? ' 

"D-Du. Madam, *ny honour ro<ift be fati&fiecti 

E/^. That '& done already, by the degrading blow y^u 
gave him. - - 

Giffv. Pravp niece, what iiit has incenfcd him i 

JEh* Nothing but a nucdlefsqttarrel. 

GmJ. I am forry for him-i— To vrhom is all thii fury, 
nephew? - 

D. Du. To you, iir, or any nsan that dares oppoie 

Gov* Corner, you are too boifferous, fir ; and Cliis 
vflin opinion of your courage, taken on vour late fuccefs 
in duelling, makes yoo daily iQiunned by men of wil 
couverfation. Forihrfmc, leave off thefe fenfelefs brtwls; 
if. you are valiant, as you would bt thought, hiHi out 

your 



. THE MP*! FOnUNS. . U 

your courage to the wan ; kt-jrottv kbf anioottouybe 
uio better foft. ' 

D. i>«. Yett fo I mif^ht be ynciml ■ l ift M 
man lif in^ (hall commaiid me. 

fA«.^n you iliftll fiad chat>.tiere« in li^m I w|ll: 
i'flKoyvryibour folloired with compUioct of your befaa* 
viour from men of almoik all coiidition»i Mid my author 
rity, which you prefume will bear you out, bocaufe you 
«re my nephew, no longer (ball priced you now : ex^eft 
your next diibrder to be puniHied with as much f(|fcnty^ 
Vds his that is a Granger to my blood. 
' D. i)«« PttoiOiiDel you nor your office dare, aot.da't. 
O0V.1 Away ! Judice dares do any^khig flie oughts > 
Elv. Brocher» this bratal temper muft be'cail off: 
whoa you «an ma(ler that, you fliali gladly coraniand^iny 
fortune. But if you ftill perlid, expetl my prayers and vows 
for your converfion only ; but never means or favour.. 

D. DiT. Fire I and furies ! I'm tutored here like m 
mere fchool-boy ! women (hall judge of injuries in ho- 
nour 1— For you, fir, 1 was bom free, and will 

not curb my fpirttf nor it it for your authority to tempt 
it : give me the ufage of a man of honour, or ^tis not 
your government fliall proted you. [Ex hi 

Gov, I am forry to fee this, niece, for your (kkc. 
Eh. Would he were not my brother. 

£n/rr i>«ii Manuel, uu//^ Angelina** 
D. Mau, Divide ^lie fpoilamongft you;, this fair-cap* 
r live.' I only cbaUeoge for myfelf « 
Oov. Ka 1 fonve prize brought in. 
SaiU, Sir, &ux*i yours ; you iough^ ansd well deferve tifir. 
Gov* Noble Don ManMelJ welcome on lhor&! I feeyoir 
. ^jM« fi^rtunate; ;. for I prefuine that's fonne uncommon p tis&e. 
D. Man. She is indeed— •Thefe ten years I have 
^ known the feas, and many. rough engagements there ; 
but n^vcr faw fo finall a bark folong defended, with fuch 
s^i^cBcdiblc valour^ .and by two «^q fcarcc armed too. ' 
.■v., <rovr-.i»^poffibli?^^-. ' .-.1 ', 

.^D^.il^aa. Na3^ and.:the|'r,.cp'nt;^n)pt of ^eath, when 
jali^i ^eeds even^all they a£ted in their freedom,. 
u Gflv. *P«ayii Jell u»i fir» . , , 

B 6 D* Man. 



3$: LOVE MAKES A MAN ; OR, 

IX MmM. When they were brought aboard ut» bock 
difarmed, and ready to be fettered, tbey locfked m tbtf. 
had (warn never to lake the bread of bondage, and oa 
a fudden fnatching up their fwords, (the younger taking 
firft frOm tbii fair maid a farewel only with bis eycf) 
both leapt into the fea. 
• Gov. 'Tis wonderful indeed. 

D. Man. It wrought fo much upon me, had not onr 
own isStty hindered, (at that time a great fhip purfuing 
lis) 1 wpuld in charity have taken 'em up, and with their 
lives they (hould have had their liberty. 
. ji»g. Too late, alas! they're lofl! (Heart-wounding 
thought!) for ever loil !— — I now am friendlefs, mifer- 
able, and a flave. 

D. Manm Take comfort, fair one, perhaps you yet agaia 
may fee 'em : they were not quite ^ league from ihore, 
and with fuch flrength and courage broke through th€ 
rolling waves, they could not fail of life and fafety. 

Jing* In that lafb hope, I brook a wretched being % 
but if they're dead, my woes will find fo many doors to 
let out life, I iliall not long furvive 'em. 

Elv. Alas ! poor lady ! come, fir, mifery but weeps 
the more, when (he is gaxed on— —we trouble, her. 

Go<v. I wait on you : your fervant, fir. 

lExeuftt Elvira tf«^ Governor. 

D. Man. Now, my fair captive, tho' I conicfs you 
beautiful, yet give me leave to owi\ my heart has long 
been in another's keeping ; therefore the favour I am 
about toaik, you may at leail hear with fafety. 

ji9g. This has engaged me, fir, to hear. 

D. Man. Thefe three years have I honourably loved 
a noble lady, her name Loutfa^ the beauteous niece of 
great Ferrara*^ duke: her perfon and fortune uncon- 
trol'd, fole mifirefs of herfclf and me, who long havo 
languiihed in an hopelefs confiancy. Now I perceive, 
in all your language, and your looks a ibftening povrer9 
nor can a fuit by you promoted be denied; therefore I 
would awhile intreat your leave to recommend you,. as 
her companion, to this lady's favour: and (as I am furc^ 
you'll foon be near her clofcfl thoughts) if you can 
think upon the honefl courtcfies I hitherto have ihewa 

your 



THE FOP'i FORTUNE. 37 

your modefty, and id your h$ippy talk, but namp with 
any^mark of favour, ine, or my unwaried love, 'twould 
be A generous adk would fin me ever grateful to its memory. 

Ang, Such poor afliiUnce, fir, as Obe difireft like 
me, can give^ ihall willingly be paid : if I can fieal but 
any thoughts froai my own misfortunes, refl afiured, 
they'll be employed in healing your't. 

D. liian. V\\ iludy to deferve this goodnefs ; for the 
prefent, think my poor houfe your own ; at night I'll 
wait on you to the lady, 'till when I am your guard. 

Ang, You have bound me to your fcrvice— 

[Exeunt D, Manuel, and Angelina. 
Jlhi SCENE cJbanggi to a church, the 'vejpers fuppofedt9 b^ 

juft enJedf federal 'walking out* Carlos and Don Lewis 

rifii^ near Louifa ant Honoria. Louifa ohferving 

Carlos. 

Hon. Come, madam, fhall we walk out ? The croud's 
pretty well over now. 

Lou. Bnt then that melancholy foftnefs in his look f 

[Tohirfiif. 

Hon, Coufin ! Donna Louifa! 

Lou* Even in his devotions too, fuch graceful adora* 
tion— — -fo fwect a 

Hon* Coufin, will you go ? 

Lou, Pfliaw, time enough Pry thee let*s walk % 

little this way^ 

Hon* What's the matter with her ? . 

\7hey 'walk from 2>. Lewis and Carlos* 

Car. To what are we refer vcd ! 

\^.Le^x). tor no good, I am afraid My ill 

luck don't ufe to give over, when her hand's in ; me*8 
always in hade 1 One naisfortune generally comes 

gs^lloping in upon the back of another Drowning 

we have efcaped miraculouily ; would the fear of han^« 
ing were over too; our being fo llrangcly faved from one, 
fmells damnable rank of the other. 1 ho' I am obliged 
to thee, Qarloi^ for what life I have, and Til thank thee 
iw\ if ever I fet foot on my efiate again : faith, I was 
juft gone ; if thou hadft not taken me upon thy back the 
laft hundred yards, by this time I had been food for 
hertbgs and mackarcli' m but it'f pretty welias^it is i 

for 



9S LOVE: MAKEt A MAl^y OR, 

for iftefe^l ooc much diitrence between Atiirtfig'^MA 

drowfiing all in good titne-^we arrpoorenociffll it 

confcience, and I don't knoW but t'wtf dayt mdire M&og 
might really make us hungry tbo. — - "^ 

Lou. They are flrangers then, and fcem ia fomcue* 
oeflSy. i^Jf^» 

Car, Thcfe are light wants to me, I find 'em nooe^ 
whan weighed with Angfline^% \oU \ WhcB I refMf oft 
her diflrefs ; O ! 1 could wifh the fate that Cived iia from 
the ocean's fury, in kinder pity of our k)V€*t diftitfs, 
had buried us in one wave embracing. 

Leu, How tenderly he talki! thii were indeed a 
lorer! [/fidf. 

D. Liw. A mod unhappy lofs indeed ! but come, don't 
defpairt boy ; the fliip that took us wat a Pertmgmfi^ of 
L^ca too, IbeKeTe; who knows but fomeVay or other | 
we may hear of her yet ? Come; don'r be melancboU. | 

Car. HaTc I not ctufe ? were not my forca of hudi | 
fuperior to myhopeleff reato, 1 joould not bear tfae 
iufults of my fortune | but I have raifed rovfelf, hy eW- 
Tated faith, as far above defpair, ^as reafaa lifn meirom 
Ac brutci ; ♦ r ... 

D. Lein. Why now, would not this make any coc 
weept to hear a young man talk fo finely, when be is 
almoft famifbed ? 

Lou, What are you faying, coufin ? • 

Hon, I would have faid, madam, but you would not 
ficarme. * \ 

Lou* Prythee forgive me, I was in the oddc ft thought: 
let's walk a little. I llhavehimdogged« [i^^r.] JofHii 
\fVhifpen.'\ What was't you aikedme^ coufin ? - 

Hon. The reafon of your avcrfion to Don Ma^mit 
you know he loves you. 

Lou, I hate his love.—- Did you obferf e thofe ftnm* 
gers that walked by us. 

Hofi. Not much ; but what of them ? • 

Le^, Did you hear noching ot their talk ? 

Jhn, 1 think I did ; one ot 'cm, the younger, ieemid 
Coacemed for a \o^ miftr^fi . ■ > 

Lpn. Aji butfo neiar, (b tenderly concerned, hisloob» 
as well ai <wordi, fpetaking- an- inward > grief, tkm oooU 

not 



; THfi jrOFf f QftTUNBv - jf 

IMI ilfvr from every c<>nirooD paffion : I maft knaw^gipn 

.^ . Hm. What <!• you mean ? 

^o«« Muft fpeak to him. 

r- iHmi* Ry no meant. 

'^LfiU. Why» you fee they are (Irangert, I beliere in 
foimt neceffity ; and itnce they feeiii oot born to beg relief, 
]|o offer it unaiked, would add fome merit to the chi^ty* 
/I- Hon. Confider* 
,.A«r. I hate it - - ^ fir ■ ■ -Cr- 

D. Lew. Would you fpeak with me« madam ? 
< i>«« If- you pleafe, with your friend ■ "not to 

.interrupt vou, fir. 
•-t Ctf/s Vour plenfure, lady I 
•', /iMiit . You feem a firaoger, fir* 
. Car^ A mod unfortunate one. 

jLf«. If 1 am not deceived, in want : pardon ray free- 

•^W ■' if I have erred, at freely^ tell roe fo i if not. at 

^trneft of your better fortune, this, trifle fuet for your 

aooepfancet . . 

-ToD. iw« Takeit, boy« . 

Car. A bounty fo unmerited, and from an hand ua* 
lotown, fillir me with fvrpriiic and wonder x but give me 
leave, ia honefiy, to warn you, lady^ qf a too'heedliefs 
purchafe ; for if you mean it as the bribe to any evil you 
would have me pradife, be doc o&ndcd, If I dare not 
take it. 

Leu. You are too fcrupulous ; I have no hard defigaa 

.ttpoD your honefty ■ ■ ■■■■ ■ oolythit ■ be wife and 

fiauti6us, if you ihould follow me } I am obferved, fare- 
well. Jefutti ' Will you walk, co»fin ? ■■ 
[Hf biffin Jaques] and bring me word immedi- 
ately «-——l am going home. {Sxeuttt Lou. aid Hon* 
. A Litv, Let's fee^ oddieart! follow her, man ■ 
why, 'tis all gold ! 

Car 9 Difpofe it At yott pleafe. 

D. Lew, IM firfl have a better title to't— No, »tit 

.'flU thine,- boy ^-^^»i hold an hundred piftolet Oie^ fome 

great fortune in love with you— —I fay, follow her— 

Jbce you have loft one wife before you had hcr^ Td have 

. ffoo make f ure of another befi^re ym lofe her. 

Car. 



(40 LOVE MAB:ES A MAN; OR, 

Cmr. Fortune^ indeed, hat difpoiTcifed htr of my per« 

fon ; but her firm title to my heart, not sUI the fuMe 
arts or laws of love can fliake or violate. ' ' 

D. Lnv. Pr'ythee follow her now ; methuikt l*d fain 
fee thee in bed with fomebody before I die» 

CWr. Be not fo poor in thought ; let me intreat you, 
rather to employ 'em, fir, with mine, in fearch of An* 
gelha*9 fortune. . . 

D. Le^l\ Well, dear Carhr^ don*t chide me noar. 
I do love thee, and 1 will follow thee. [ExenuU 

SCEN£ de Strtet. Enter Antonio and Charino. 

Anu You heard what the failor faid, brother, fuch a 
ihip has put in here, and fuch perfons-were taken in it. 
Therefore ray advice is, immediately to get a warrant 
from the government tu fearch and take 'em up where* 
ever we can find 'em. 

Cba. Sir, you muft not tell me-^I won't be choufed 
of my daughter; I (hall expert her, fir; if not, PU 
fake my courfe ; 1 know the law. [IVaiks ahonU 

Anu You really have a great deal of dark wit, bro- 
ther; but if you know any eou:fe better than a war* 
rant to fearch for her, in the name of wifdom, take it ; 

if not, here's my oath, and yours, and— how noMr^ 

Where's Clody? ' ■ oh here he comes 

' . Enter Clodio, fcArcbing his feekets* 
How now ] what's the matter, boy ? 

Ch. Ay, it's gone, fplit mc. 

Ant. What's the mitter ? {L^ttder. 

Ch. The bed joint in chriftendora. 

Jnt. Clody ! 

Ch. Sir, 1 have loft ray fnuff-box. 

jfn/. Pfhaw, ^ trifle ; get thee another, man. * 

Ch. Sir, 'tis not to be had— -befidea, 1 dare notihew 
my face at P<ir/i without it. What do you think her 
Grace will fay to me ? 

Cha. Well, upon fecond thoughts, I arh content to 
fearch. 

Ch. I have fearched all my pockeu fifty times overt 
to no purpofe. 

CU. Pockets! 

Ck. 



THE FOP't FORTUNE*. ^ 41 

C&. It's impoffiblc to fellow it, but in Pur/^—— 1*11 
O to Paris, iplit mc. \^Afidi. 

Cha, To Paris / why you don't fuppdfe my daugh« 
5r*8 there> fir ? ' 

do. 1 don't know but fhe may, fir : but I am Aire 
bey make tbc belt joints in Europe there, 

Ci^, Joints!— —my fon in-law that (hould have 
een, feems ilrangcly altered for the worfe. But comey 
et*8 to the governor. 

Clo^ IM have it cried, faith ; pr, if that won't do, I 
lave a lucky thought ; I'll offer thirty pifloles to the 
pder, in the Paris Gazette^ in pure conipkimenC to the 
iTOurs of Madmm la Duchefs dt Mum* Til do't 

Uth* 

AhU Come along, CA></y. \^xfunt Ant. and Charino* 

Clo* Sir, I mull look a little, I'll follow you prefent- 

^ i <^y P^of pretty box 1 ah, plague o* my Tea f oyage. 

RnUr afffvant hazily -with aflamieaux. 

Sgrv. By your leave, dri my mailer's ^coming; pniy» 
r, clear the way. 

Ch. Ha ! why thou art pert, my love ; pr'y thee^ who. 
s thy mailer, child ! 

Serv. The valiant Don Duan^ fir; nephew to the 
overoor of Lifion. 

CU. Well, child, and what ? does he cat every mui 
le meets! 

Strv* No, fir^ but he challenges every man that takes 
he wall of him, and always fends me before to clear the 
My. 

iHo^ Ha ! a pretty harmlefs humour that ? Is this het 
hild!*! — you may look as terrible as you pleafe^ Imuft 
lanter you, fplil me, ^ \^Afid€. 

Enter Bon Duart, ftalkin^ up to Clodio, 

p. Z)«. Do you- know, me, fiir ! ., 

Ch>* Hey ! ho ! \LoQks cardefly en bim^ and guftt* 

D. Du* Do you know me, iir ? 

C/p. You did not fee my fnuflf-hox, fir, did you ? 

D^ Du. Sir, in Lijhon no man aiks me a quefiion co- 
rer*d. [^Strikes off Clodio'j hat.) Now you know roc. 

Clo. tcrfeaiy weU. fir.-r-Hi! hi! I like youmigb*; 
ily .««-.you are not a bully, fir ? 

D. Dm. 



4S: LOVE MAKES A MAN; OR^ 

• D. Du^ y<m arc faucy, friend. 
CJg* A}\ it*$ a way I have, after Vm affron^.!— ^^ 
Thou art really the moft extraordinary— umph—— that 
f Tcr I met with ! now, fir, do you know me, fplit mc ? 
. > D. Du* Know thee 1 take that, peafant ! 

[Strikes him, and blUh tirA-eU 
'CI0. 1 caD% uppn my foul, fir ; athns f nour we fiiall 
come to a right underflanding. LT^^^^' 

Serv* Help! murder! help! 
Ch* JUoMfl to our better acquaintance, iir; ahah! 

f'D. Du. fall}.] ht* has it ! never pu(hM better in a^y 
^ never in my life, fplit me. 
Strvi O! my maker's killed, help ho ! murder help! 
CU. Hey ! why faith, child, that's very true asthott 
Uy*&, and fo the devil take the hindmoft. [£x/7 Clodio* 
Enter Oficers. 
t&Offi. How now! who's that cries murder ? 
Serv» O, my mailer^s miirder'd. 
. t^Ofi. Tts Don i>Mri, fo^ pride has got a -M;: 
come, let's carry the body to the good lady hit -fiftsr- 
Ihfina EMra ; come along. [Exeunt vntbtht M^^ 

Enter Carlot and Don Lewis. 

V D« Lfw. Come aloo?, Carlos^ I'm Aire 'tis (he by 

their defcription ; and if that brawny doe:, the caprBi%« 

has play'd her no foul play, (he ihan't want r anfomi i£ 

all my eflate can purchafe it. ! 

Car, Now fortune guide ut. 

Sitter Jaques « id Bravoei, vtith a chair*. - 

^ Jaqueu Thai*s he, the tailed --bcfurc you f|^a» 

his perfon only force him into this chair and catry 

him as directed, 

ift Bra. What mud be dune with the old fellow ? .' ' 

yaqnes. We muil have him too, left he ihould dpf 

the other, and bt troublefome. If he wonl'tcome quict^* 

ly, bring him any how. Follow foftly, we fliall 

fnap 'em as they turn the corner. [Exennt* 

ji noife 0f foihw^ &c. Enter Cloiao iafiify/rm tU Mtf 

fide. : 

Cibw Ahi Pox of their nofes I the dogi have fmplt 

BK^frar! what (hall I do? if they take me» I fluUbs 



, THE POP»i FORTUNE. ^f 

, fplit me ' iha ! a door o[wb\ *faithiMl in 

ature. [Exiu 

fr Bnvocs wuh Ctrlos in a cha't^ fame halmg im ' 

lew. O my poor boy Curlot .^ ^ afhs /*— 

murder 1 

Brtf« Hold your peace, fcK>l, if you'd be well ufed« 
>iif. Sir, I will not liold my peace, dogs I rogues I 
( ! help ! murder ! 

?rtf. Nay, then by your leave, old getttleflum* 
«o*Soy biing him along. 

!>»• Aw ! aw ! aw I {Tbef gag him^ md carry 

him bead an J bcfU. EMttrnt. 

] N E m chamber^ Elvira ami h$r firvani vikb 

it^bts. 
I It not my brother come home yet ? 
u 1 have not feon him, madam. 

Go and feek him; erery where— I'll not reft 

I return ; take away your lights too ; for mv it" 

tare written in my heart». and I ftiall roia "em 

It « taper* [ Exinut/ermanUm 

EnUrCXodk^fttaUngin. 

Ah! floor Ctcdy/ what will become of thee? thy 
bn, l*m afraid, it but very iBdifierent-«tfollow'd 
I i fiopt before ! and befet on both fidei ! ah !' 
my wit! I muft be bantering, mnitl.^ but let me 
^here am 1 1 an odd fort of an houft thi<-*— — hll 
ors' open« and no body in't i no noife ! no whif- 
lo dog ilirring. 
..Who's that? 

Ha ! a woman's voice. 
r.Who are yoa? Who waitt there? St4pbMn»i 
f ■ 

Oadfo I *tis the lady of the houfe ; flic can't fee 
fortunate face however. Faith, I'll e'en make % 
^Mcch, tell her my cafe, and beg her prote&ion. 
•• Speak.!'' wttat are you? 

Madam, a moH unfortufiate youn^ gentleman. 
• i am <furt you are a man of molV ill mantieffa^'to 
l^us boikdiys-to^aiy private duunber. Whithes 
you i Whi^t want you ? 



^ LOVE MAKES AMANi OR, 

you*ll have U fo, w-e uke our leaves; farevclf^^Bmir 

iorih the bvHiy. - . » 

[Kxcttnt Governor and Servants witinir i^ 
Clo Hey' whar, are taey go.ie away without IM? 

and by her coQ rivancc too — Gadfo! : • ; Vt 

Ell. Whoe'er thou art. to wnom I've givcn mtani 

of life, to 1 t (hee ie> wirh wha religion : Jiette kepcmy 

vow, come f. ariei f^ rth« while nigh(*s thy frieodviiad 

pal unknown. 

C'O, If this 8 not love, the devil's in't* [4fi^* 

FJ*u. Fl) with thy utmolk fpeed, where X nay never 

fee thee more 

C^. Ay, that's her modeil v. > ,.> [Jj/ik, 

Eh. And let that c4iaritabfe faith thoa haft folitid« 

pafB, perfuade thee to atone rhy crimo by penitence. J 
CU. Poor foul ! I may find a better way to thank 

thee for't. ?*: ^ : .♦•: 

jUv. You are at the door now^ &reHrtl forem^. ^ A 
C/o. Which is as' much as to fay,, what %vi>uld I'pvc 

to lee you a^^ia ?— — /-ll m good tiine^ cfail 4^.n >i I' w 

■ ■>..■ \ ::■ ,i. ^..^ ^ »*r>V 

End of TUK.Tiaa^ Ac!r«^ .■. .'i.^v 



A C T I V. S C £ N £, j^ R0M9 tm Lbuifa's Witft. 

^ ■ . ■.'.•■■'*■ 
L9U. \T7fiRE they bothicixed ^ ' 

VV y^f^ Both, madam, and will be httt iffl- 

roediatdy, I ran before, to give your ladyfliip noticik; 

Lou. V ou know my orders ; when they are cDtb'd^ 

bar all the doors, and on your lives let every one be 

mute, as I vire6ked-Imuft retireawhlle. [Emhoiu 

Enter Bravoes, vj6§ let Carlos .«/ i?/ the cimir^ wM 

• pfifers threw difwu Don Lewis g^gg*J ami h^tt^A' 

Cat. So, gentlemen* you find f ve notrefified you— 

but now pray let me know 'my erime ? Mr by bairtyoa 

bcoi^t 



THE FOP's I^ORTUNE. 47 

voaght mt bither f where im I ? if in prifon, look 
D my lace, perhaps y>;u have miftaken me for another, 
faquet h<ft<:t up kn lunthorn^ noUi^ a <.r exit t' itb the refi. 
rou item to knew me, fir — 11 dumb, and Tanifh'd; 
fkf fortUQc's humorous, flie fports with me. 
:• f>i t^^\- Aw ! aw! 

C«n WhutVrere! a fellow prifoner! who are you! 
.. j>. fmi. Aw! aw ! 

Ca • Do you fpeak no other language ? 
■ "P L^v. Aw ! am' ! aw ! [Lowikr^ 

'£0»v Nay» that't the lame. 

D. Lxtf. Oh! l^fg^ftig* 

i&r. Poor wretch ! I am afraid he would fpcak if be 
lould. 

lR^4it»r Jaqvet ahd /erv^u- loiih Itghit^ witr-rekrfe 
'iM.:; ■• . ' £)••« Lewis.] 

Sale they think I walk in my ilcep, and won't fpeak^ 
forforof wjiking me. 

t.^DJl^'W. S r, your mofV humble fervaot ; and now 
■ y l o ag iig's. as liheriy, pray, wifi you do me the fa* 
ittWrLI4 ihew me the wav home again ? 
What a poXf are you all dumb ? ■ ■ [ Kteunt muter. 

Well, iir, and ^ ^ray what '«'t : Ca^i, / ah! my 

desr boy ! [ R««i to him. 

^^mr^ My uncle! nay then mv fortune has not quite 
Air$|kefl»me ! h^m can>e you hither, fir ! 
^ D. Lew. F^ich, like a corpfe into church, boy, with 
my heal#. foremod 1 but pr'ythee -boliR didft^ thou come ? 

C«r. You faw the men that feized us ; they forced 
me into a chair aind brwught me. 
rfT< S^tiLnv WeB, but a pox plague ^m/what is all 
^Ibia for ? wbM would tliey have I 
>^H&Mr.'^Thac we nauft wait their plea.'ure to beinfbrmM 

cpf».-.. V. ■ ■ 

ri^^X>*^tfenjL\ Tbs. (bns o^ whores won*! fpcak neither. 
Mf'Y^^^J^' whafs to be done, now I 

Emttr ..jMqjJiRt^'mMd'Jirvaiits^ vtitk a han^mt^ wime, and 

o^CWw More riddles yet I J dreaaaiuve.,^ ^ ^ m 1 J 
i\0 ..ri (Jaquca c§mfltmcnti i->. Lewis totahfvs chair. 

Dm Lrw* 



^8 LOViE MJ^S A Um^ii OR, 

. D. r^^f^. Fqj mc i ^VTf, your moft hussble! fim 
Xj^its^yCirlos ! fit down, boy. . . ». . 

Ha! ha! ha! a parcfi pf filly dumb dogs ! is tl 
Ji|iCi^«n^i<'/ puppies 1 did they .think £ xmvM 
come to fupper, withc^M being bf^Sbt oecfe iriKHll 
to't? ... ..; ■'■■ .■ ■> , 

^ ^tfr..AiBa^nieotalll whttoaaitead^t}. ' 

D, JLtfw. Never trouble thy head, pr'ytheeppc 
queftions ; fall to, man— r— delicate i^oi iriily*- 
Here-*— -Dumb ! pr'ythee give's a glafs ofwibe^ t 
the way a little : come, Cariat^ Jiere.^| Wcta^ 
honeA aumb*s health to thee: [Z)r/»ib.J^Diidi1 
very Ispneft fellow, faith. [4 Fkwriftif} Cttft.^x 
en the Ixad^ v li 

Car. What hvnnopy's tbi* ? . ^ • ^ ' .*i 

^ p. Leva^ Rare mufick knUed ! let's eat aind h< 

[Aligftifc 

Mighty fine, truly— —I have not made as ba 
naeal ft great vbile> . *} • ;. -» ,■.: . 

[Here Jaq^es ^ert a nigbt-gfrmu and c^ ./• P4« Xi 
Well, and what's^tp ^o now, lad ^ for. me* i>«7^ i^iG 
we lie here, do we ?-^nu|^ty weU (bat agsmg i) 
{for {iwas juil thinking- u> go bomc» -butfthat J. 
ne'er a lodging :) nay, I always faid honed dualx] 
]^w to oml^ bis friends <weleQnE|CH-WeH# bi|C it^ 
enough yet, (h^n't we crack a bottle ifirft f 0«d 
IDelancholy>^ . [Jaques Jhah^i hlr b€€kd.'\ What ! t 
as much as tofay,. ifl won'tgo^ I fiialLbexarticd 
Sir, your burnbieiervaot : \Pmi 9m.tke .g«w/i,}'1 
Carlo.<f good night, fincc they wonMet me have a 
to (lay any logger! I'd give?a piftolfl lho% .to 4 
what this will come toi^-M— Dumb, come albng.^: 
lEjfmntJ^^Lcvf'ujuJjtL 

Car* I'm burjcd inama3''emcnt— [iW«[^cyt/>/r7)^i etf^ 
Ha Imosc myfick ? I coirid almofi fay, 'twere wcl 
now. . 

D. Ltfw. So ! at laft .1 have groped^.out a win* 
that will let me-into.-tb^fcoret ;. lUMr if .any ionb 
Aould happen, I am pretty near the (b'eet too,* as< 



THB POP*t FOarUNB. 49. 

out nrnrder to the watch— -—But imwi! the 
ppenti 

E^ter Louiik. 
! ah ! what dull rogues were we not to fufpeft 

before ! Dumb't a ily dog« Ms flie, faith 

doiDy dimi— >bere will be fine work prefently, toll» 

di, dum i Now 1 (hall fee what mettle m/ 

I made of s turn, dum» dum. 
«• You feem amazed, fir. 

r. Your pardon, lady, if I confefs it raifes mudi 
wonder, why a Granger, friendlefs, and unknown* 
A meet, unmerited, fuch floods of courtefy ; for, 
lifhike not, once this day before, I've tafled of your 
itjr. 

«. I have forgot that 1 but I confefs I (aw you, fir. 
IT. Why then was 1 forced hither ? If vou relieved . 
nlj from a foft compaffion of my rortune, you 
I not think but fuch humanity might, on the 
teil hint, have drawn me to be grateful. 
»• I own I could not truft jrou to my fortune ; I 
r not but fome other might have feen you^-beiide, 
hoaght yon fpoke lefs kind to me before* 
ir. If my poor thanks were offer*d in too plain « 
\f as' I coateft, I am little pra^fed in the rules of 
M behaviour, rather think me ignorant, than rude, 
pity what you cannot pardon* 
mu Fy! you are too modeft how could 

diargeyoorfelf with fuch a thought ? I fcarce can 
i hi% in your nature to be rude a t Icall to our 

T. Twere more unpardonable there« 
mm Nay, now you are too ftn£t on the other fide ;. 
here may happen times, when what the world calls 
nefs, a woman might be brought to pardon ; fea- 
when even modefty were ignorance ««-»Pray be 

d, fir nay, I'll have it fo— — lay, ibmetimes 

Buch refpcft, pray be nearer, fir, were moft of- 
ve : fuppofe a woman were reduced to otftr love, 
X could you find, at fuch a timei-excufcs for your 

C Car. 



S# LOVE MAKES A wAff^ <», 

Gar. If I could love a^iil", -my eyes Wo«M tril her; 
if not, I fliould not ealily believe ; at lead, in miiti'^erSt 
\i'ould not fecm to underfland her. 

lou., O ! tbey have fiich fubtle uaytf ro Ifead into a fo- 
yer's heart; riay, if IheVrefolved, notalfyout^flren^li 
of modetty can guard you ; fhc'd prcfs vot ftll! vfiA 
phiner, ftrongcr proofs ; her life hir rortnhe (tidul'd' 
oe yours: for where a wonriah lovds, fucK gifts as 
^hefc are trifles. [Gi^cs himjewfb, 

Ca*\ Is*e poflible ! can there be fuch a womaii ? 

Lou. ty\ I could chide you noW; y<fsi tfro'uM not 
fure be thought fo flow of apprchenfion ! 

Car. I ^ovS^ not willingly be thought <b vi5n, of fo 
uncharitable to fuppofe there could b^• luch a on^. 

Lok. Kay, no^v you foi'cA ftie to forfake my ftx, aiid 
t6\\ you ptiiA— -I d^nnot fpfealc it — - — yet you liiuft. 
Icrtow— EutttU nic, muft I needs bhifli t6o#Vi a j^l^^n 
thatVf6*t<nderof you? I am this creatM re fo reduced 
fot you, and all yoii've fefcn f\ippofed was n'sli^^l, ifX 
lAit the foft tti\\\i of growing lovd. 

Lou. What i8»t yon ftart at? - ' ■ : 

Cerr. Not f6r yoiir beauty; tho'l confefsyofu ftWto 
a ^rfe£^ion, complear in all that may engage the t^k\ 
but when that beauty fades as time leaves none urfi'i- 
fited, what charm can then fecure my love ? Your 
rickes ? no— an honeft mind's above the bribes of for- 
tune: for tho* diftrefs'd, a fti anger,, and in want, I 
thus return 'em thanklefs : be modeft, and be Virtuous, 
I'll admire you; all good men will adore you: and 
when your beauty and your fortune are no more, will 
ftill deliver down your nam:^ rever'd to :»gi«. 

Lnr4, If I appertr too free a lover, and talk beyond the 
iifual courage of my lex, forgive me ; Til be igain the 
fearful, foftening wretch, that you worild have met 
O f fay you will he mine and make your own cohdi* 
tions. If you fufpeft my temper, bind me by the nioft 
Acred tye, and let my love, my perfoo, and my fo^ 
tune, lawfully be yours. 

Car, Take heed I confider yet, even tl.is 'huiftilJt^ 
be not the offspring of your firft unruly paiSon : bm 

finc0 



TiiE. FOP»t FORTUNE. 51 

fince at lcafi.it carries fomethiAg of a better ckiim to 
my concern, 1*11 be at once finccre, and tell yoU| 'cif 
impofliblerthat we ihould ever meet in love. 

Lou, Impoflible ! O ! why ? 

Car* Becaui'e my love, my vows, and faith, are gi* 
ven to another : therefore, fince you find I dare be ho« 
Dcil, be early wifl, and now releaie mc to my fortune. 

Lw. I cannot part with you. 

Car. You mull ! I cannot with my reafon. ■ ' ■ 

Lou. Ungrateful ! will you go ? take herd ! for you 
have proved I am not miftrefs of my temper. 

Car, I fee it, and am forry, but needed not this 
threat to drive. mc I for dill I dare be juft, and force 
myfelf away. {J^xit Carlos, 

Lou. O torture ! left ! refufed ! defpil. d ! Have I 

tbiJOMrii off my pride for this ? O ? infupponable ! -If I 

am, not reveaged, may all the— well, [^'afit irfforJfr*J, 

..]^..L£w^ What a pox» are all there lac. thingn tatoc 

to- nothing then ?^ Poor foul! (lu's in great heat 

truly "" Ahl fiUy rogue i-^—^--- now could I And 
in Hty heart to put her into good humour agfiin-^I have 
a great mind» faith—- Qddl (he's $1 hummei!— - 
/W ftranm nund«. I ha'at. had fuwh a mind a great 

wiite-Hey! ay! Til do't, i^ith if ihe 

docf but ilay now ; ^ah ! if flie^doee but (lay I 

. . {jL jie -wci ^ftiing from tht 

balcony^ Louifa // fpeakittg to Jaquci* 

Lou. ^\iO waks there ? ' 
- . f;!^!- Jaques* 

' Where's the (li^noger ? 

i^itq* Madam, 1 met him jafl now walking haflily 
about the gallery. 
. Jti'?*.! Are all' the doors fait ? . ' 



Jaq. AU barr'4 madam. 



_, /Put out all } our lights too, and on yonr Uvea 
let no one alk or an(wer him any queiiLion : but be you 
ftitt:ntar. to o.b^rve him. [Exit Jaques. 

Akk ! [Don Lewis drtfs dowtim 

jy.Lm* Odfo ! my back! 
. fjdf^^ Ke^fs me, who's this ? who are you ? 
Z). Lnjo% >7ot above fifty, madam. 

C a Lou. 



St LOV£ MAKES A MANt; OR, 

Leu. Whence come you ? wlut*« ymr bnfioeft ? 

D* Lew. Finifliing* \ 

'Afv« IVho (kew'd* who brought yoM.biiher^ 

D* I^ttf, i>umbf honeH dumb. . ^. , 1 . . ,.., 

lioui WiU you bfi gone, fir ? t have no dme to jod 
away. -•-... 

D^ L^w, YcBf but you have ; what ! don't I knonr ? 

L9m» Fray^ fir, who ? what ii't you take me for ? 

D. Liw* A delicate piece of uork truly, but not 
finiih'd ; you underhand me. 

Lou. You are mad, fir. - 

D. Lew. I fay, don't, you be (o modeft i for there 
are timet, do you fee, when even modeftv.is igno- 
nace, pny be ieatcd, madam ■■ nay, TU have it 
fo, ahf 

[^//# Jowit OMdmimicks her hiaviCMf /# Cai1oi« 

Lou. Confufion! have I expofied myfielf to this 
wretch tool had witneflea to iry joily ! i " n 

MMy^ Ideferveit. iSumdt.mtiie^ 

I>> L4W, So I fo ! I (hall bring her to terma pstStnK^ 

ly ■■ ■«'yop have a world of pretty jeweb hfne, ma* 

OTm-^— — ay, thcfenow— *— -thefc arc a couple of 

^inc hirge fiones truly ; but where a wonMulovet, iiich 

gifts as thefe are trifies. [MimicJtt agmiM* 

hou. lafupportable I within there I 

Eaier }90Yom mad irauaeu 

D. Lew. Hey f [X^ 



24if . Did your lady(hip call, madam t 
K Lew, 1 den't like her looka, feich. [^^^ 

Lou. Here, take this fool, let him be gagg'a» diKl 
neck and heels, and locked in a garret; awaj inib 
him. 

D.Lew. Dumb! dumb! help, dumb! dumb! Aand 
by me dumb ! a pox of my finiihing» aw ! aw* 

l^^.^^i^'^ amJEeeeuui* 
Rf^ter Carlos in the dark. 
Car. What can this evil woman mean mc ? thc-doon 
all barrM ! the lights put out ! the fervan^ m«tc,» i|od 
file with fury in her eyes now-jhot i?egardle£i by nit ; I 
would theworA would fiiew itfclf.. *.Ha: jfQfidara.f( 
light, I'll follow it, and provoke my fiprtunCb ^^f -^^1 

'flu 



^ THE TOP*! FORTUNE. 5 j 

Ttn SCENE changes to anther Rcpm. 
Angelina with a UgkK 
Amg^ I cannot like this houfe ; for nom^ aisoing to 
my reft, my eart were larmed with the criet of one thac 
cali^d for help : iVe feen ftrange facet too, that cany 
guilt and terror in theis looks; and yet the officer that 
placed me here, appeared of honeft thoaghti ^^What 
can this mean ! no matter what, (ince nothmg, but the 
lofs of him I love, can worfe befall mel- ' 'Hark, 
what noife \ is the door faft ? ah ! \Gormg tpflimi it. 

Re-enter Carlos and Jaqiies lifttnh^* 
Car. Ha! another lady ! and alone I 
^^'j^« Heavens, how I tremble ! 
- Car. Surfc, by hrr furprtfe, ihe it tioc of the othsrfj 
couofei ^Pardon this intrufion, lady, 1 am a ftranger, 
Aiid dtflrefled, be not difmayed ? 1 have no ill defigns» 
onlefs to beg your charitable iffiftance bboffenfive. 

jr>r^. 1^3! that voice! {^Ameted. 

^[CS". Save me, ye powers! and give me firengtb to 
iMsaF thk infupponable ibrpr?fe of mihidg joy. 

'Jng. My Cdrhs ■■ * " t lh I 
^ 'f2^ii *Ti» (he! my long loft love, my living AngtUmt* 
*' '^^ :>,, [Embrj^twi btn 

^"^ y^iq.' Sa3ryou fo. fir ! this fliall to my lady. 

• '4 [^jr/^JaqUcs* 
Jift* O ! let me hold' yon 'ever that, left face again 
IBouIq part us. 

r. 'Twas ((eath indeed to part,' but from fo hard a 
ation, thus again td meet;* is- life^eftored; itidrawa 
nble'^yis^ tb hours, ind ^e grow old with joy in 
k>ttieirtr/* * 

j^/ig, .0 ! I were happy, blefTed above my fex, could 
pitf'my^plain.iimplicityof love deferve your kind en* 
dearmentir-^— ^S^eak, CtfnW. 
*• ' * ■ Enfrr Jaquetv <«»^ Louifa at a Mftance. 

J^" They are there; from hence your lady (hip may 
Uainem. 

|"!L*«; L^avt'm^; [Ex/f Jaqnes, ««// Louifa //^/-w. 

\d*i» T ca^tiot'bear to fee yon thus; for my fake 
don't defjlMiid; for while you ieera in hope, Khali 
cifify1>ech'earfisl. 

C 3 Car. 



54 LOVE "MAKES A' MAKj OR, 

Car. O ! thou engaging foftnefg ! iby ci^ui^ge has rc- 
vircd mc } no, we*ll not defpair; the guardian power 
that hitherto has iaved us, ma^r now, ivitfa lefs^espcnce 
of Providence, prote^and fix us happy*— Add- ]F<t our 
fafety bid& us part this moment. Ho«vr came yoa iii* 
thcr? ^ . 

^Mg. The officer that made me captive, proved* a 
wortliy man, and placed .me here as a compmton to 
the lady of this dwelling. 

Car. Hal to what end? 

Ang. He faid, to be the adirocate of his fucceiQcfs 
love ; for he conieifed he wooed her honourably. 

Car, Is'r poflible ? Is there a wretch fo curfed among 
mankind, to be her honourable lo^er ! 

Lou, So I [/« 4U^9 

Car, Take heed, my love, avoid lutras a'Afcafe to 
modefly. 

Lou, Very well. 

Cur, Oh ! I have a (hameful tak to tell thee of her 

intemperance, as would fabjeil: her eren tothy k>athuig« 

Lou, Infolcnt ! ' i iwell ! 

jing. You amaze me ; pray what is.it ? 

Car, This is no time to tell ; let it fuffice, the doors 
are barred againft me ; now, this moment i am aprifoner 
to her fury ; if thou canil help me to any means of fafety, 
orefcape, a(k me.no queitions, but l^e quiok, and tell 
roc. 

Ang, Now you fritjhten me; but -h^re, 'through my 
apartment, leads a paffage to the garden, at theilowtr 
end you'll find a mount ; it you dare drop frowa thence, 
IM (licw you : but can't you lay when I may hope fif|un 
to fee you ? 

C«>. About an hour hence walking in the gav<ka» 
ready for four eicape; for if I live, i'llcoipe.providiQd 

with tiic means to make itfure Now 1 dare thank 

.thee, Fortune. 

Jng, Vou will not fail. 

Car, If I furvive, depend gn me; *tiH when, may 
He-jvcn fupport thy innocence* 

Aug, FoUotvnue {Etftmt kmfliln* 



Tfi£ T(^'* £DRTUNE* $$ 

- Zmk Are you Soxdmhlt, fir? Wbo wait« there ? [F.nter 
Jaques.] Aun, take, help, luid (kop the Uranj^er ^ *i*e is 
ilc|Mr .malun^ hb efcapc rhrough the garden ; fly« {E it 
Jg^ues} low and revenge, like vipen, gna^v upon my 
ouief« [it fi/cr Angelica, and exit onube other fide.\ Ih ! 
ine 18 returned! yonder ihe pafles ; ^ith what ailurcd 
comentmeot in her looks '.——how pleafed the thinj is 
.■ I ■ ■ Arangcly impuden t ' fure ! the ugly creatU'-c 
Ainks I won't ibrang!e her. [£n/rr Jaques.J Now hate 
you brought him ? 

Jaf, M;^.dam, \y.e m<ide what hafte \st could, but the 
^entlemaa-cseachpd the mount before ut, and efcupedover 
the gardtn wall* 

jL<^». Efcaped, villain! durftthou tell me fo ? 

yaq* If your ladvfliip had called me a little fooner, 
.we had taken him. .\^ho the devii is this ilrangcr } [A/ide 

Lou, Fool that I am,. 1 betray myfelf to my own fer- 

▼antt, well, 'ti^ no matter, bid the bravoes iUy, I 

1mlt0 directions for Vm : go. lExeutit. 

SCENE tJjeSt>net. 

Enter Z>. Duart dijj^uifaj^ with a Page* 

D. Du. Where did you find him ? 

Page. Hard by iir, at an houfe of civil recreation ; 
4ie'« now coming forth ; that's he; 
Enttr Clodto. 

S. IXu. I fcarce remember him, I would hoc jwiUifig- 
Xy miftake— — — -ril obferve him. 
I Clo^ So ! now if I can but pick up ^n honeft iello#, 
Jito crack one healing bottle,^ I think I flial.l finUh. the 
\>day as fmartly as the Grand Sigm'or ' hold, fct me 

*fec, what has ray hafty re^fliment coft me here; — 
urab— -umb— -umb ICounts his money] feven pinoles 
-by Jupiter !• 

. D. Du, 'Tis the fame ; leave n^e. [Exit/ervant* 

-Your fer vant, (ir. 

Clff. . . • Sir— -your humble fervant. 

D, Du. Pardon a ft ranger's freedom, fir ; but wheit 
.you know .my biifinefs ■ « ■ » n 

do. Sir, if you'll take a bottle, I (hall be proud of 
*yoar acquaintance ; and if I don't do your buhaefs be- 
Ipre we part, I'll^knock undei the table. 

C 4 - D. Dn. 



S6 Le**^^*ATtES '*'MA»r OH, 

' D Vu^ Sif; I {halt be glad to Hr^ viih ^f-ouT bdt h. 

prtrem tmidcapalarie of fimng to it. * \ * , 

. Qfir. Why then, firy'you foali' t!»nly drtjik «i Jti^'ib 

>youam Hand 5 wc^Jl hsTe a boctfe jiere, iBr. — --^9«if 

*' D. iZM A^rery Wbk hmiiourtd gcnritinan jt ?lrtaiii«p 
\\m fanher^l prefumti, fir, you areiiot of j^^jf»g^«/.?; 

CZ9. No, fir v ■■ .latn a'kiiidtif a ■ .wh^Ji^ye 
caH*um " a fort of a here and tbe^iarf; 

I am a flranger no where. 
. D. Du, HiVte yoo travelled far, fir ? 

O. My teur of 'Ewropt^ or ib, fir ;■ ' ' ■ dangtcd 
abGuca-Kttlcb'- *-*- . ^'Z; 

Enter fenvant voith wine. t;- 

.Sc^l fel bere'f the wine! come! fir, to our better ac- 
quaintancc ■■ Fdth, I like you wightify ■■ 1 1, , 

•^ilUmsJ "^ TDriMh. 

D. Dm* I find, fir, you have taken a taile, of all the 
oountries yoo have travelled through ; but I preftime 
your chief amoftnenr has lain among the ladies : you 
fared well in France, I hope. 

Ch. Yes faith, as far as my pocket would go i the 
tlevil a firoke without it : no money, no madampifelle ; 
no ducat, no duchefs; no piftole, no princefs ' ■■■ 
By the way, let me tell you, fir, 3rour Lijbonhet are 
. held up at a pretty fmart rate too. ■ ■ 1 was forced to 
come down to the tunc of fevcn pifioles he r e ^^ Now,' 
fir, in little EnglanJ^ where your gowns and caflbcks 
are honeilly married, your right women are as cheap as 
ffMc^h^^— -Gad, fir, I have taken you a fafirag VMvet 
fcarfe out of the fide box there, and the jade has jump'd 
at a beef fiake and a bottle ; nay fometiraes at coach-hire, 
and a fingle glafs of cinnamon-— Sevtn piftoles, uncon- 
.icionable! Odiheart, in London, now for half th^ ium a 
man might have picked up the firft rows of the middle 
gallery, 

D. Dm. But I wonder, fir, that in a country fo famed 
for handfome women, the men are fo generally blamed 
for their fcandalous ufage of 'cm. 

-CS^. O damn'd (candabiu, iir-*they ufc their raid refies 
as bad as their wives, faith: I tell you what^ fir, I 

knew 



: THE FOP't FDRTUN&. .57 

koevr t cidzcQ^ daughter there, that mn awiiy #ith a 
lord, who in the firft fix months of her pr4fenBeQti ii0i)tr 
flirred ou% but ihe made the ladies crjr at her equipa^; 
9tA aboil t ei|^ht months after, I think « om roomiog 
'reefing pretty early into a certain houfe in the. S^v^ I 
found uie feU*{kme, caft-off, folitary ladf , i^ va toom 
with bare walls, dreffing herdear» pretty head<here» ia 
.the corner bit of a looking glafs, prudently fupporced by 
ft quartern brandypor, upon the bead of an oyfter 
barrel. f 

D. Z)ff • I find few miftreiies make their fortunes there ; 
but, prav, (ir, among all your adventuresy has no parti- 
cular lady's merit encouraged you to advance your own 
marriage ! 

CU. Sir, I hare been fo near marriage, that my we4« 
din^ day has been come, but it was oeyer oyer yeb; 
fplit roe 

D. 2)«. Howfo, fir? 
, Ci. Why, the prtcil, the bride, and thf dinner, were 
ill Teady drefled, faith; but before I ^ould fall to, my 
elder brother, fir, comes in with a damn.M long Uride^ 
and a (harp flomacb ■ fays a fliort grace, and t ■ 

whipp'd her up like an oyftcr, 
^ D. Du. You had ill fortune, fir. 

CU, Sir, /ortune is not much in my debt, for you muf( 

know, fir, tho' I lo(l my wife, I have efcaped hanging 

fince here in Lijbon. > 

./D. Dti. That I know you hare ; be not «maaed, fir. i 

,_ Cfp* Hey ! what the devii ! have I been all thit whili^ 

treating an oflUcer, that has a warrant againft me > i w > 

Pn^y, fir, if it be no ofience«-«-<-may I beg the favour to? 

know who vou are ? . - ; 

D. /)»• Let it fuffice, I own myfelf your friend—I am 

your debtor, fir ; you fought a gentleman they call B§m 

Duart^'^-^l knew him well; he was a proud, infultiog 

■ fellow, and ray mortal foe ; but you killed him, and I 

thank you ; nay, 1 faw you do it fairly too ; and for the 

a^ion, I defire you will command my fword or fortune; 

- Clo, Pray, fir«-«— is there no joke in ail this ? 



^ LOy£&fAKES A MANi'OR, 

D. 2)«. I am fiucere : I aik for no returoi but.U) hf 
aoformed how 1 may do you farther fen ice. 

[G^p^s him apM^ft. 

Clc, Sir, your health,— »•— 1*11 give you informatioa 
prcfently, [Dtm^j.] Pr;iy, fir, do you know the geutle- 
man'&iili^r that i fought ^ich r that is, (io you .know 
H'hat reputation, what fortune Hie has ? 

D. fJu. I knotv her fortune to he worth above twelve 
.thouhUid pifloles.; her rcpur^itian yet unfullied: but 
pray, fir, why may ycu alk this ? 

CJo, Now,, ru tell you, &r twelve thoufand 

pviloles, you fay I 

\\D$t. I fpcak the Ical^, fir. 

C'o. Wh), this very lady, aftct I had killed her bi»- 
ther, gave tnc ihe protcdion of her houfe^ hid uic in her 
clofet, while the o^ers that brought ia the dead body 
cnme to fcarch for me ; and, as fb n as their backs were 
turned, poor foul ! hurried me out at a private door, 
%vith tears in hereycs, faith ! Now, fir, what think you ? 
is not this hint broad enough for a man to make love 
upon ? 

D, />//. Confufion ! 

C/o. Look, yon, fu*, now, if you diirc, give me a 
pwof of your fnendfliip; uill you do me the favour to- 
i:arry a letter to her ? 

D. Dtt. Let me confider, fir — Dcnth and fire! is all 
her height of forrow but diilemblcd then ? A prafiitujte, 
even to the man ltt4>pofed my murderer 1 If it be true,. 
the conlrqncnce is li&on relolvcd— — but this requires 
my farther fearch l^/uie>Ji May I depend on this. tor 
truth, fir? 

CIo, Why,, fir, you don't fuppofe 1**1 banter a lady of 
her quality ? 

D, Dm. Damnation! WMl, fir! I'll take your letter ! 
but firll let me be well arquainted ukh my errand. 

C/o. Sir, V\\ \*rite this moment ; if you pleafe« we'll 
ilcp into the houfe hcre^ and fmifii the Luiicefsover ano- 
ther bottle. 

D Du. With all my heart, 

do. Allons! Ettrcz. [Exianti 

£kD Of THE POURTH AcT^ 

A G T V. 



THE FOP^i FOKTUNE. r S» 

ACT V. 

SCENE EUivx'shoufu 

Slyira. // dl/covered alone f in mournlagj a lamp iy her*- 

Den Duart tniers hcJjind dtj^uijei^t 

.D. Z)«.'TpHUS far am I paiTed i^nkivwo to aay/?f 

I the lervants— — now tor the ppof of ^fi«t 

I fea* — Ha I yonder ihe is*-— This clofc retiremq^r 

thofe fable colours, the folemn iilence that attends her, 
1*0 friends admicted, nor even the jday to vilit b«r J l^^efc 
iicemto fpeak a real forrow ; if not, the counrerfeK .is 
deep indctd— -I'll fathom it [.4fitic\ Madam «7-7« - 

Elo, Wh )'s there I another murderer; where arc ij^y 
fcrvants ? will nothing but my forrowe wait upon me ? 

D. Du, Your pardon, lady ; JL have no evil meaning j; 
this letter will inform you of aiy buEncfs, and excafe 
this rude iutraiion. 

Eiv. Formal whf'nce comes it, fir? 
D. Du, The contents, ^nadam, will eqtpVm to you— 
SIic feems amazed! looks almpft thro' the lette r r t 
fliould fufpedl the ilr.uiger had belied her, but that .he 
gave me (uch convincing ciycu mdanccs \i% I ibe 

pauiesl 'Sdeath ! a fmile too-— I fear her now ! 
' Rlv, My prayers are heard ; juiUce at length has over- 
ta'en the murderer: but *rwere npt tafe to fhc v nvy 
thought; therelbrc to l)e jail, I mail diflcmblc, [JfiJc.\ 
I alk your pardon for my rudeaefs,. fir : upon y^ur 
.friend's, accounjt, you might, indeed* have claimed a 
better welcome* 

D Du. So ! then ftw's loft I fini» But I'll liavc.morc^ 
and briniT *tm face to face. | jljide.l My friend, m.wwsi, 
• . thought his vi(its fliould be unsieafoiiable, before the fad 
folemnlty of your brother's .fiineraU 

£/v. A needlefs fear! my brother, fir! Ala«, X ^voe 
your frieni my thanks, for having eafed our fanjily of 
fi> fcandalous a burthen 1 a riotftus^ ttninj^ooercd, follow f 
I bluQi to fpeak of him. . . 

C 6 D. Du. 



6d love makes a BfAN; or, 

D. Dm. O! paticBce! patience! ' ' [^A//. 

- £hn Pray, let him kaow, his abfencc was the rmg^ 
arafe of this i^iusken mouroing: 'tis true, indeed, I 
me it out His for vny brother't death ; but woment 
ncans and tongues, you know, mufl not always hoM 
allianbci you'd think us fond and fbmard, ihmildaot 
we now and then diflcnible. 

I>. 2>». How ihall I forbear her ? {J/di. 

JEkr* I gioir impatient 'till he's wholly mine ■ 

tc-morrow ! 'tis an age ! Til make him mine to tugfat«-* 
ni write le him this minute— —~Can you have patience, 
fir, 'till I prepare a letter for Tou ? ^ 

!>• Da. You may command me, madam* . 

Eh. ril difpatch immediately— ^-wiU you walk ihia 
waf, -fir. 

D. Dm MadaBB, I wait on yoti^-^-ReTenge and dag< 

gen! £JS«c««fi 

9ke SCE NE Loui£L% Imafi. 

Enttr Loutfa amd Jaquet. 

Lm. Is the lady feized ? 

yaq. Yes, madam, and half<^cad with the firight, • 

Lou. Let 'em be ready tn procure her, as I diredi^ 
When the ftr oiger^s takeii, bring me immediate notice : 
*tis near his time, away. [Exit Jaques. J Had he not lo- 
ved another, methinks 1 could have born this uiagc, 
Hark ! what noile ! they have him fure 1 How now ! 
Emt€r Jaques. 

yofm Madam, the gentleman is taken. 

Lot* Bring him in— *-ReTengc, I thank thee now» 
EMirr Branrces in' lA Carios Jifarm*d. 
So, fir! you are returnM it fcems ; you can lore then ! 
You have an heart, I find^ tho' not for me ! Perfaaps you 
came to feck a worthier miArcis here ; 'twould be uncha- 
ritable to difappoint your love— I*Il help your fearch : if 
fte be here, befure (lie's fiife I— —Open that door there. 
SCENE draws aad difcovews Angelina n^itb Bfmv$t$ 

rtadf U ftrmmgU hr. 
Kowy, Br, is this the lady ? 

Car, My Jngelna f Oh ! 
^ dhg* O Biiferablc meeting ! 



THE FOP% FORTUKE. 6t^ 

, Lm. Now let me fee you fnaile, snd radelr throw sie 
from ydor arms ! now fcorn my love, my perlon, aad mj 
fbrtuoe I now let your fqueamifh Yirtuc fly roe at a m- 
etfe to modefty ! and tell her now your (hamefiii tale of 
my intemperance ! 

Car^ O! cruelty of fate 1 that could betray fiidi in* 
nocence ? 

Lorn. What, not a word to foften thou wretched fool, 
thttf to provoiw thy n]in«**^£nd her. [7^ t^ Brairoet. 

€^. O I hold ! for pity hold, and hear me. 

Loit. I've leam'd from vou to ufc my pity-««— Oo 0110 
condition yet (hr lives an hour, but if rcfiifed 

Car, Name nor a refufal, be it danger, death, or f6r« 
ttires, any thing that life can do to fare her. 

Lou. Now then, this moment kneel and curfc her. r •' 
-': Catw Preienre her, Heaven, and fnatch her firom the 
jaw» of (^ping danger [Kn^eiin*;.} O ! may the watchfill 
eye of Provicknce, tliat never fleeps o'er innocence dif- 
treft'd, look nearly to ber ; or if ib.nc miracle alone can 
fave her, the ever waking fun, in his eternal progrdTs^ 
never faw fo fair an object to employ it on. . . 

^&9». Prefaming tool 1 were I inclined to fare' her life, 
which, by my hopes of peace, I do not mean, canft tln«l 
Isielidvfe this infoleut concern ibr her to my face would 
not provoke my vengeance ? 

Car. Yet hold! forgive my railmefs, I was to bknie 
indeed; our paflion has tranfported both of ut ; love 
made me as heedlefs of her iafcty, at wild revenge tiaa 
you, even of your negle^ed fbuK 

Lou, What, doft thoa think ta peadi me from my 
purpofe ? » ' 

Car. That were too vain an hope ; but if revengo 
alone can fate yonr fury, at leaft raifplaoe it not ; mine 
was the offence, be mine th^ punifhment. 

Lou* How he dtfarms my anger 1 but mufl my riviil 
triumph then? . [-^rfi 

J»g. Charge me not with abhorred ingratitu.le : be 
witnefs. Heaven, I'll for ever fcrve you, ^ourt y^au^ aiMl 
confefs you my prefervcr ! * 

Car. For pity, yet refolVe, and force your t^mpd* to 
a moment's paufc : fee at your feet my humbled fcorn 

imploring. 



(^ , LOVE MAK3S A MAN; .OK, 

implpnng, <:rufli'd, and proftrate, Ukc a vile (Utt, ^it 
fai)t beloiv your lad contempt, and trembling beg!» fiv 
mcicy. 

Lnu. He buries my rcrenge i . bluflies. [AJidu 

Leu Rflcafe the lady — go, [Exeunt Bra?oe^ 

And now farewell my follies* and my miftakcn love ; for 
I conlefs, the fair example ot your mutual faith, your 
tendcineff, humlliv, and teas, have quite fubdued 
my foul ; forgi.eniy follies paft, and you have over 
'paid me [Jfi^f tbeir bandu 

Car. My An^iUnn! do I then live to hold thee thus ? 
* But let^ kiicel and pay our thanks to Heaven^ and 
this our kind prcf-^rver. 

'Lou, Nay, now you give me a confufion. [Raifa \m^ 
But if you dare truil me with ihe flory of your love's 
diP.refs, as far as n y f rtune can, cou.mand ir freely to 
.{upply your prefcnt vyants, or any future means propofed 
to jgive you lafliug happim Ts. 

Car. Eternal rounds ot never-entjing peace reward 
your won dcrous bounty ; but I have been too bufy ia 
'my joy, I Hlr^ioR. had forj^ot my friendly uncle, the an' 
cient gei tie.: an that firft came hither with me \ ho\f 
have ^ou difpob'd of him ? 

Lo:.. I tMiiik hi% here, and fafe who waits there ^ 

[Er;/tr Jaqu-.s.] Re'cafe the gentleman above, and tell 
him that his fciends delirc him. \Exit Jaques.] You'll* 
pardon, fir, the tr:. tmenr 1 have Qiewn him; he made 
a liule too mrrry wirh my folly, which, I coufele, at 
that lime, I'omcthiii^ too fiir inccnfcd me. 

Car, lie's old lud cl.eerful, apt to be free ; but he*ll 
be fori y v. l.tn his humour give, offence. • 

Knur Don Lewis, Jaqi'es kov^nng t9 him. 

D. Leiv» ''r'vti.cr, aonelt dumb» don't be fo cerem9* 
nious ! A p- X on thee, I tell thee ii*8 very well as it is, 
(only my jaws akc a little:) but as long as we're all 

frici.ds, it's no ^rcat matter My dear Carlos! 1 mull 

buls '.hce, faith !— Madam, your humble fervant 
1 beg your pardon, d'ye fee — r-30u unJcrilund mc, 

[Exit J^iquc^ 

Li,u. ,1 hope we ai^ all friends, fir« 

D. Livf* 



, THE FOP't IPRTUNE. . ^3 

•'D.X^W* ^ ^^^P^ -^^ ^^^* ro^dam-^I am ^n liODeft old 
fipllow^ hiih ; tho' now .and then 1 am a iittic odd tpo. 

Car. Here's A ftrangcr, uncle. 

D. Lew. What ! my little bloffom ! mv g^llifiotver ! 
my rofe ! my pink ! my tulip ! Faith, I muufmeU thee 
\Salutt$ Angelina.] Od ! flic'g a delicate nofeg^y ! \fn%ii\ 
have her louzcd a little ■ Carlos ! you muft jg;ather 
to-night J J can (lay no longer • Well, ^th I J am? 

heartily 10) M to fee thec^ child. 

dng. I thank you, fir, and wifh I may dcfervc your 
love? Our ■ fortune, ouce again, is kind; but hour it 
comes about ■ 

D. L/w. Does not fignify threepence; when Fortune ' 
pays mc a vilit, I fcldom trouble myfelf to know which 
way ibe came- .i tell you, I am glad to fee yog. 

Venter J.nqucs. 

Jaq. Madam, here's the Lord Governor come to w^it 
upon )our ladjfliip. 

Lou, At this late hour ! What can his bufinefs be ? 
Deiire his lorddup to walk in» 

^HUr Governor^ 

Go*u. Pardon, madam, this unfeafonable viiit. 

Lou. Your lordQiip dct;< me honour* 

Gov. At leaft, I hope,, n^y bulincfs wjll cxcufe itr 
ibme flraagcrs here below, upon their oftcr'd oaths, de- 
manded my authority to fcavch your houlc for a lojft you^ 
lady, to ;*'hom tt.e one of \ m affirms himfcU' the f ther : 
i.bui ihercfpcd I owe your ladyihip made me refufc their 
fcarch, 'till 1 had fpoken with you. 

Jng. It muftbcthey — Now^ madam, your prote£Vion,, 
•r we yet are loiu 

Lou. Be not qoucern'd ! would you avoid 'cm I 

Car* No, wc muftbe found ; let 'em have entrance : 
we have an honell caufe, and would provoke it's triij. 

Lou, Conduct the gentlemen with. ur. \^E it Jaquei. 
My lord, ril anfwer for their honelly ; and, as they are 
ftrangers, wh^c the law's fevurc, muli beg yuu*d favour 
and alfill *cm, 

Go-v, You may command me, rpadam ; tho* there's 
BO great fear |. for having ];ieard. the mod that they could 

ui?ge 



64 LOVE MAKJKS A MAN; OR, 

uttt ^g^unft 'em, I found in tb<ir complaintf* loote fpleea 
and hunour, than any jull appearance of a real ii^iity. 

Enter Chariho, AntoniOy and Cloalo. 
: Cia. I'll have jultice. 
jiMU Don*t be too bot| brother* 
Cha. Sir, I denuind juftioe. 
That's the lady, fir, I told you of. 

Clo. Ah ! that's die, my lord, I am witnefs. 
Car, My father ! Sir, your pardon, and your bleffag. 
Jnt. Why truly, Carlos^ I begin to be a little recoD- 
cil*d to jthe matter ; 1 wi(h you well, tbo* f can't job 
jpu logetKer ; for my friend and brother here it Tery 
obdinate, and will admit uf no fatisfa^ftion': but how- 
erer, Heaven will blcis you in fpite of bii teeth. 

Cba. This is all contrivance ! R)gu€ry! I am abufed! 
I faV| deliver my daughter— -;- flic is an heirefr, firj and 
to detain her, is a rape in la^v,' fir, and 1*11 have you all 
hang'd ; therefore no more delays, fir ^ for I tell you bo- 
fore hand, I am a wife man, and tis impoffible to tricJt ofi^ 
. Ant, I fay, .you are too poiicive, brother ^ ^aad viriien 
you learn more wifdom, you'll have fome. .^' .,. ,.^ 

Cha, I fay, brother, this is n^re malkt, wUen you 
know in your own confcience, I' have ten dmes youj\ 
underftanding. 

Ang* \fo Charino kneellng.'\ Sir, you are my^father^ 
bred me, cheriili'd me, gave me my affe6Hont» 'taiq^^t 
me to keep 'cm hitherto wuhin. the boundi of hoi»Q!^C|, 
and of virtue; let me conjure you, by the .chafin'lqTc 
nymother bore you, when (he prcferr'dp to her miflaken, 
parents choice, her being 3'ours without a dower^ .not 
to beftow my perfon, where thofe afic^ions lieVrr can mi«> 
lo^*..^! cannot love that gentleman more than a £(ler 
ought. ' 

C/o. Thai's very extraordinary. 
Ang* But here my hean's fubdiied, ei'n to the laft 
compliance with my fortune : he, fir, has nobly woo'd 
and won mc^ and I^m only his^ or miferablem 
Oni^ Get up ^ain. 

Go^* Come, (ir, be perfuaded ; your daughter has 
made an honourable and happy choice ; this feveiity will 
but expofe yourfelf and her. 

Cha. 



'^T^n for, fckrvm. ^ 

• 'CTi/lrffrToJf^, t don't want td^^^ 1|| cnnfidcr witli 

mybilff ' aiia *rifol vc upon my o * n optnioi? ' "" 

Enter Jaques. 

y^f. My lord, here's a ftranger without ;cnqui!n for 

your lorddiipy and for a gentleman that calk himfcff 

Clo» Hey ! ^b^ mon cher itmt ! ' 

Enter Don Duart drjgutfed. 
Well, what news, my dear, hat the anfwcr'd my letter ? 

' ;P. Du. There, fir— This to your lordmip. 

[Gives him a letter^ and'wbibin^ 

tx^Fo. Married to-night, and to thia gentlemco^ laj'fl 
tVbu ? 'I'm amazeJ. 

D Z)«r. He U her choice, my lord. 

, • C&. (^Reading the Utter J] Um — i*m Charma 

■ri:{'frefiftabtc— excufc fo foon — Paffion — Blufficf— Con* 
ifent— Provifio » — Children— Settlement— Marriage— ^ 
IPVhia 18 not plain the devil's in' c«<—— Hold, here's 

mtire^ faiih -^ f Reads to himfelf.] 

•"te<»i>."*Tis Ycry fudden— but gire my fenricc, I'll wait 
vpon her. 

^C^: Ha! ha! ha! Poor foul! IMl be with hcrpre- 
ftintlv } and, i&ith, fince f have made my own fbrtiine, 
ni en patch up my brother's too. Hark you, my dear 
dad that ihou'd ha' been-^his bufinefs it all at an end 
'^ioff look you— I find your daughter's engaged ; and, 
tvtell )ou the truth, fo am I faith ! If my brother hta 
8 tliiad to marry her, let him ; for I (hall not, fpKt hie— 
And now, gentlemen aiid ladies, if you will do me the 
Honour to j^race mine and the lady EIv:ra*s wedding, 
liich hoiueiy entertainment as my po<>r houfe aflbrdS| 
yoo fliall be alt heartily welcome to. 

D» LfM* Thy houfe I ha ! ha ! well faid, puppy I 

do. Ha ! old frAv / 

CSa. What doll thou mean, man ? [7i Clodio. 

Cov. 'Tit even fo, I can alTurc you, fir ; i hare my« 
ielf an invitation from the lady's oim hand, that con* 
firmt it : I know her fortune well, and am furprixed at it. 

Cha. If thtt be true, my lord, I have been thinking 
to no purpofc ; my delign i« all brol^e to pieces. 

Am 



^ LOVE MAK:E|S A MAN; OR, 

4SpI« Come^other, we'll tpend it as well as we q^; ' 
and fincc tha^ young rogue, .bat rudely tumM tcil U|iq|I 
your daughter, I'll fill up the blank with Car/oj's name, 
^ let tUe reft gf the (ettlemci.t Aa^A a? it was. 

<ZAtf. Hold, I'll firil fee this wedding, -apfUhcIti gin 
you my final rcfolution. • 

Co. Come, ladies, if you pleafe, my friend Wi^l fiicw 
you. 

2./)f«. Sir, vve.wait upon you. 

Cla. TWs «' ddi^ig*8 an '^dd thii?g ! 

J). Lew. Ha ! ha I if it fliould be a lie now. [Excum* 
She SCENE chanf;es to ^lyira's Affirtm^. 
Enter Elvira and Servant. 

Elv^ Are the oificers ready ? 

iitrv^ Yes, madam, and know yx)ttr ladyfliip^s orderii 

Eh-. Conduct the company. Now julHce' fluiU uiu 
doud my fame, and fee my brother's death reven^. 

^nftr Clodio, 2>. Duact, Qovernor, Louiia, QiMrloH 

Angelina, Antonio^ ^harinp, aud. D.« ^..ewis. 
■ Clo. Well, madam, you fee Pm pundlual— youNre 
nick'd your man, f.ath ; I'm always critical— to a mi- 
nute; you'll never llay for me. Ladies and gentlemeir, 
X delijrc you'll do me the honour of being better accjuaintir 
ed-hcre--^ My lord—: 

•Qov. Give you joy, n^ii^m. 

.Cip. JSay, madam, I have brouj;ht yQu fome n^araef 
Jiaj^ons oi my own toor— 'This Don Antonio^ wbo wiU 
ibortly have the honour to call you daughter, 

jint. The youni^ rogue has made a pretty choice, faith. 

Cl0. This Dovi CfmriMo^ who was very near having 
the honour of calling me fon. Thii my elder brother— 
and this my poble uncle, DQtiChoUrickrrSwiftfifort$A 

D. le-rv. Puppy. 

Clom PecvUlu 

p. Lew. Madam, I wiftx you joy with^U my heart ; 
but truely, I can't much adyife you to marry thts |eotle- 
ip^n^ becaufe, in a day or two, you'll really find him ci* 
tremely (liocking : thofe that know hi^i, generally gi« 
l^imc the title of Don Difmallo Tbickjcutto di Hal/witi^' 



THrB >OP*i EORTUNB. ^ 

-Oo. Well ff^id, nunclcw ha, ha! 
D.' />«•. Are you fvro.vided with a prkfti^r ? 
Qlp* A^fAy,^ pox on hiiHy would he wm come tho*. 
p. />;|{. So woMld.I, I want the cueto tt6t this juiHce 
in,my baao^^r; yoc i cannot read the folly in her look^. ^ 

Gov. Vqu bajre fMrpiized us, madam, ^>y this luddea 
marriage. 

Ely I may yet furprixe you more, my lord. 

D. Da. Sir, dqii't yoa think your bride looks melan* 
oholy ? 

f!:^. A|% poor fool ! fhe's modeft ■ ■ b ut I have a 
cure for that' ■■*■ n -Wcll, my princefs, why that demure 
look now ? 

JE/v. I was thinking, fir* ■ ■■ 

Clo. I know what you think of ■ ■■ ■■You don't think 
at all-^-^You don't know what to think— You neither 
(iee, hear, feel, fmel), nor taile— You han't the right 
ufe of one of your fenfes-^In fhort, you have it, No^, 
my princefs, have nox I nick'd it ? 

£iv. I am forry, fir, you kno v fo little of yourfelf, or 
iQe* £ntir a Servant* 

^>r<v« Madam, the pricft is come. 

Ekp. JLet him wait, we Ve no occafioo yet^ — Within 
iheKe-— fi^ize hipt» [Stvgral Offictn *vfh in^ whofeixg 

D. Du» Ha ! Clodio, an^ hind him. 

, ah. ^.Gad me i vi4iat, iHny dear in her f rolick^ already ? 
- Ekt. Aad po^, my lord, y^ur jufticc on that mvt* 
derer. 

.fiav. How ! n^dam ! 

Clo. Thatfoitchj my fortune ! 

jD. Lew* M^aiOt upon my knees, I beg you, don't 
cacry the jqd tqo far« hut if tbece be any real hapes of 
his having an baker, let's know it in three words, thatf 
may -be fure at once for OYcr, that no earthly thing, but 
^.cqprieve, canfavehim. \^Afawi to Mrit^% 

jifitm Fray, ipadam« who accufes him ? 

JEJkf» His owa coofeffion, fir* 

Car. Of murder, fay you, madam ! 

JS^ v. The murder of my brother. 

.Qov* Where was that confelTion made ? 

Eh. 



^ LOVI MAKES A MAN ; OR, 

,£h. After the ftid was done, my lord, this map* pw* 
fued by joiticp^ took iiielter here, and creiDbliog. begg'^l 
of me^ior my protefdon ; he feemM indeed a ftrtngBrv 
fluid ibif complaints To pidfal, that I^ little fufpicioas of 
my brother's death, promifed, by ara(h and folemn vow, 
1 would conceal him : which vow Heaves can wimcft 
with what detnufHon in my thoughts I ftrickly kept, 4md 
paid { but he alas ! midaken this my hofpitable c(iarhy» 
for the efie^s of a moil vile prepof^rous love, proceeds 
upon biS error, and in his letter here addrefles me foe 
inarriage I which, I once having paid my vow, ;m£iferU 
in fuch prevailing terms, upon his folly, as now ^Y» 
unproteded, drawn him into the hands of juftice* ^ , 

b. Du. She is innocent, and well has difapTOiMrd 
my revenge. l4fi^. 

D. Lfw. So, now I am a little eafy— The puppy wi" 
bo bangM. . ^ ^ 

. isr^Vw Gbrc me leave, madam, to aik you yet fomf ffTff I 
ther queilions. ' 

Ch. Ay Iflull be hang'd, IbelJevtJ, ' % 

. Ckh Naythcii> Mistime to take carfe of mv dnugbterjl, 
for 1 am now convinced, that my friend Cl^Jy U ^irpoW 
ofr-andfo, without compliment, do ye fee, cMdrtn— ^^ 
Ubaten blcfs you together, [yaifa Car. anJ Axig. Jbat4j^ 
Car. This, fir, is a time unfit to thank you zi ire 
ought. J 

. .1^. Well, brother, I thank yoti however; Varjfil^ 
flinboneftlady and We!l ^efefves her,- but poor Ciitf^f' 
iUfprtCine Icbuld never have fufpedtcd. !. , 

D, Liw.. Why, you woU(U,be pofitite, though joa 
l^iiow» brother. I al#ay^ idid you, Dijmal would pe 
haag'd9<i muli^pli^tie h^a little, becaiife the dqg (^ 
been pert with roc ^ ^ v ^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^' ™* 
why, you are tied! \, 

CU, 1 hate this old^ fellow^ fpllt Mb. .^ 

.D. Ikv. Thou htf really made a idb^tna'd bluode;^. 
here, ckild, to inrite fo maioy pebple to a nharfiage.^lat^ 
and inilcad of thatr it^'!tk4 td bt ofalb' jfwicr tpjc^. 

Cle. Vd fiun havdWm die* ' .w " 



THE FOP'i FORTUNE. 69 . 

D. Lew* Well, my dear, PU provide for thy gom^ 
iffy hovire? er ; let mc fee ! you'll only have occafion for a- 
Kyfi^y^ a pair of white ji^loves, and a coffin : kx>k you» 
ike yoa 00 care about ihe furgcont, you (hall not be 
aatomized— IMI get the body off with a wet finger-* 
ho' noethinks Pd fain fee the infide of the puppy coo. 

Cia. O I rol him, I can't bear this. 

D. Lew. Well, I won't trouble you any more now, 
hild ; if I am not engaged, I don't know, but I may 
wnc fo the tree, and fing a ftave or two with thee— Nay^ 
•il -rife on purpofe,— tho* you will hardly fuffer before 
welve o'clock neither— ay, juft about tweWc— ^aboi|C 
vrelTC you'll be turn'd oS, 

Ci0. O ! curfe coniume him. 

Gmt. 1 am convinced, madam, the fad appeart too 

llkSD. 

D. Lew. Yes, yet, he*ll fuffer. 14/U^i 

Gev. What iays the gentleman ? Do you confefi llhe 
iia, fir? 

CU. Will it do mc any good, my lord ? 

Gru. Perhapi it may, if you can prore it wm not 
iooe in malice. 

CU. Why then, to confefs the truth, my lord, I did' 
pink him, and am fonry for*t ; but k was none of my 
Htttf, fpltt me. 
* £#v. Now, my lord, yourjuflkc.^ 

D. Dum Hold, madam, that remains in me to gi^ ; 
fiij know, your brother lives, and happy in tlie proof 
6r^ch> fifter's vinue. ^ [Difnvers kiMf. 

Ekf^ My brother I OTlet my wonder fpeak my jey ! 

Ch, Hey! [ClodM ami kisfrietub/eemjtirfrhu^^ 

G#v. Don DMortf living nnA well! hov came tkit 
l^range recovery ? . 

D. Dk. My body% health the furgeon hne fcfloied ;' 
but here't the true phyficiim «f my mind t die hot dif- 
cemjper'd blood,, which lately rcnder'd me o&nfive to 
mnkind,^hisiuft rcfentUig; fwond letfwth, whidi gaire 
g^ildfure (o.re^ upon iny follici pait, and, by leflec-' 
cmi, to reform. '' 

EHf. Thitlis indeed a happy cha|ife« 

GW. Releak the gentlemaiu 
^ C/#. 



7« LOVE M AXES A MAN ; OR, 

Clo, Uttt, Tefy, prithee do fo much at linde thit a 
Uttle. 

D. Lew. Why, fo I will, (irrah-; I find thou haft disM 
a mettled thing, and I don't know whether it's Wdrth 
my while to be iliock'd at thee any longer. 

Eh, I ^Ik your pardon for the wrong 1 have dohe yon, 
£r,and hludi to think how much I dwe you for a brother 
thus reflored. 

Cic. Madam, your very hlimble fervant, it's mighty 
well as it is. 

D. Du. We ar^ indeed his debtors both ; and, fiflcr, 
there's but one way now of being grateful : for ray fsike, 
give him fucb returns of love, as he may yet think- fit 
to afk, or you with modelly can anfwcr. 

GU, Sir, I thank yau» and when you doii^t think it 
impudence in me to wifli myfelf well with your {ifitrj I 
^Jwil beg leave to make ufe of jbur fnendftiifi, 

D, Dm* This racdef^y commends you, dr. 

j<l/it Sir, you have propofed like a man of honour, and 
if the lady can biHt like of it, (lie fliall find rhofo among 
MS, that will make up a fortune to deferve her. 

Car. I wifli my brother well, and as I once oflfer'd him 
to divide my birtWright, I'm ready ftill to put my wokIs 
iiit9 perforipancer r * 

D. Lewm Nay then, fince I find the rogue's no longer 
like to be an enemy to Cmlosi as far as a few acres go, I'll 
be his friend too. 
' D.D*. Sifter! 

iE/v. This is no trifle, brother ; allow me a conto 
niont time to think, and if the gentleman continues t« 
deferve your friendOiip^ h« ihalL not much complain I 
am. his encnxy. 

D. Imc. So! now it will be a wedding again, faith. 

dr. Come, my jiageUkn ! 
Our bavk, at length, has found a quiet harbour, 
And the dlftrefsful voyage of our loves, 
£nds liet alone in fafety, but reward. 
Now we unlade our treight of happinefs. 
Of which, from thee alone, iny fliare's deriv'd : 
For all my former iiearch in deep phik>fdphy. 
Not knowing thee was a mere dream of hift ; ^ 

But 



THE tOP^l FORTtJNE; ' yi 

But lore, in orte loft moment, taught me more 
Than all the volumes of the Icarn'd could teach ; 
Gave me the proof when nature's birth began. 
To what grcath Knd th* Etern al formM a Mait. 

[Eftnmt emnetm 



End or the Fiftjb A«t» 



E P N 



E P I L O G U E. 

jtV Epilogue^i a tax on, authors laid. 
And full ms much wmnnilingfy is paid. 
Gotd linosj I grants are little worthy hutyet^ 
Coin bos ietn always eajter raifed^ than wit. 
I fear ive'^d made but very poor campaipu. 
Had funds been levied from the ftrumhUng brains* 
Be fide, to what poor purtofe Jbould we pUad^ 
When you have once re/olved a play Jbali bleed T 
But tben again, a wretch, in any cafe^ 
Has leave to fay wljy fentencejhould notpafs. 
Firfi, let your cenfure from pure judgement Jiow^ 
And mix with that, fome grains of mercy too ; 
On fome your praife like ^vanton lovers you befiowm 
Thus have you known a woman plainfy fair, 
Atjirfifcarce vsorthyour two days pains or care % 
Without a charm, hut being young and new .* 
(Ton tbamgbt five guineas far beyond ber due.) 
But whim purfuidby fome gay leading lover, 
Tbim tvery day her eyes new charms difcover ; 
*ftUattboUfi, by erouds of btaus admired, 
Sb* bat raised her price, to what her heart defired, | 
Ifov r#tu«# and petticoats, which her airs required. 
So m^s, and poet toe\ when once cried up. 
Believe their reputation at the top ; 
And know, that ^vhile the liking ft has feized you. 
She eamtot look^ he write, too ill to pUafeyou. 
How cam you bearafenfe of love fo grofs. 
To let merefeffifion on your tafie impofe f 
four ta/io refined, might add to your delight ; 
Foots from you are taught to raife their Jlight j 
For as you Jesm io judge, they learn to write* 



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N I S. 




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PUBLIC iiC/vAil i 



#'^.- . .M '" 



i\«i4\i«ii , .^•^^ 






J.': 




♦ /ton' A^i^^if/nft/ntr/t/ a4^r,t /tryfr/frra^/i //t^^/ ^/. 

♦ ^fyr/// /^nrr/fiff/ //r'^/tr>i//// //a //A, >%f^^//' //.. 



THE 

CARELESS HUSBAND 

A 

COMEDY 

OF FIVE ACTS; 

WRITTEN BT 

COLLET CIBBER, Esq. 

WITH THE VARIATIONt IN TR£ 

MANAGER'S BOOK, 

A T T H E 

SC^tmti^Viovtd ill €t>\)tnt Cartiem 



'^ 



L O N D O N: 

Frkited for W. Lowndes; S. Bladok, ani 
\V. Ntcoll. 



1790 , 



P R O L O G U E» 



/If* all the-^atiom 'vices of the age^ 

AndftjoaU of fools expos' d upon tbeftage^ 
Honv fe*w are l^/b*d, that call for Satire's rage t 
What canyon think ^ to fee our plays fo full 
Of madmen y coxcombs y and the dri*v' ling fool T 
Of cits y ofjbarpersy rakes y aiid roaring bullies ^ 
Of cheats y of cuckolds, aldermen, and cullies f 
iVould not one fnvear 'tijuere taken for a r^lu 
^hat Satire's rod, in the dramatic Jchooly 
Was only meant for th* incorrigible fool ? 
jis if, too. Vice and Folly luere confind 
7b the <vile fcum alone of human kindy 
Creatures a Mufe fhould fcom ; fuch abjeBiraJh 
Deferve not Satire* Sy but the Hangman s la/k. 
Wretches fo far Jhut out fromfei^eoffiame, 
Neiogate or Bedlam only fhould reclaim ; 
For Satire ne'er *was meant to make luild monfters tamu 

No, Sirs ■ . ■■ 

We rather think the perfons fit for plays y 
Are they nvhofe birth and education fays 
they've enfry help that fhould imprryve mankind^ 
Tetfitll li<vejlaves to a ^iMle tainted mind ; 
.Such as in ivit are often feen faboundy 
And yet ha'vefome ivcak part nvhen folly* s found : 
For Jollies fprouty like 'weeds, higheft in fruitful ground. 
And 'tis oiferv'd, the garden of the miud, 
^0 no infe^live lueed s fo much inclind; 
As the rank pride that fme from Affe&ation find* 
A folly too wuell kno'wn to make it's court 
With mofi fuccefs among the better fort. 
Such are the perfons njoe to-day pro^vide. 
And Nature's fools, for once, are laid afide, 
This is the ground on nuhich our play *we build y 
ut in thefiruSure mujlto Judgment yield ; 
And ivhere the Poet fails in art or carey 
We bf^^gyottr ^otited mercy to the Flay'u 



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THE 

CARELESS HUSBAND. 



ACT I, SCENE Sir Charles Eafy's Lodgings. 

Enter Lady Eafy alone, 
L. Eafy. XX7' A S ever woman's fpirit, by an inju- 
Yy rious hu(band, broke like mine ? A 
vile, licentioui man ! muft he bring home his follies 

too ? Wrong me with my very fervant ! O * how 

tedious a relief is patience ! and yet in my condition 
'tis the only remedy : for to reproach him with my 
prongs, is taking on myfelf the means of rcdreft, 
bidding defiance to his fal(hood, and naturally bat 
provokes him to undo roe. The uneafy thought of 
iny continual jealoufy may teaze him to a fixt avcr- 
fion ; and hitherto, tho' he neglefts, I cannot think 
lie hates me. It muft be fo. oince I want power to 
pleafe him, he never Ihall upbraid me with an at- 
tempt of making him uneafy — My eyes and tongue 
fhall yet be blind and filent to my wrongs ; nor 
would I have him think my virtue could fufpeifl him, 
*tiIlby.fome grofs apparent proof of his mifdoing, b^ 

forces me to fee and to forgive it. 

Enter Edging haftilj, 

Edg. O madam ! 

X. Ea/j, What's the matter ? 

Edg. 1 have the ftrangeft thing to fhew your lady- 
fliip fuch a difcovery ■ 

L. Eafy, You are refolved to make it without much 
qercmony, I find.; what's the bufinefs, pray ? 

Edg. The bufinefs, madam, I have not patience 
to tell you, I am out of breath at the very thoughts 
on't, I (hall not be able to fpeak this half hour. 

Z. Eafy, Not to the purpofe, I believe! but mc- 
thinksyou talk impertinently with a great deal of eafe. 

Edg. Nay, madam, perhaps not fo impertinent as 

your ladymip thinks j-^ there's that will fpeak to 

the purpofe, I am fure — A bafe man — Sfivves a letter. 
A ) L, Eafy. 



Ik THECARELESSHtrSBANtfc 

I. Eajy What's this, aft open Ietter^l WhenoT 
comes it ? 

Edg. Nay, read it, madam, you'll foon guefs — If 
itheic are the tricks of hufbands, keep ir.c a paid ftilH 
fey I. 

L. Eafyy \Lookinp on the fuperfcriptionJ^ To Sir 
Charles Eafy !— Ha ! Too well I know this hateful 

lund O my heart ! but I muft veil my jealoufy, 

which 'tis not fit thi» creature (hould fuppofe I am 
acquainted with. [^^^.]— This direction is to your 
mailer, how came you bj' it ? 

' . Edg. Why, madam, as my mailer was lying dowir, 
after he came in from hunting, he ient me into hu 
dre(fing-room to fetch his fnuff-box out of his waift'- * 
coat-pocket, and fo as I W4S fearching for the box, 
madam, there I focind this wicked letter fi-om a miC^ 
trcfs ; which I had no fooner read, but, I declare it, 
my very blood roie at him agam, methought I could 
. feave torn him and her to pieces, 

L, Eafy. Intolerable! This odious thino^'s jealout 
of him terfelf, and wants me to join wito her in; a. 

revenge upon him Sure I am fallen indeed ! Bat 

'twere to make me tower yet„ to let her think I un- 
dcrlland her. ^ {Afi^^ 

Edg, Nay, pray, madam, read it ; you'll be out 
' of patience at it. • 

Z. Eafy, You are bold, miftrefs. Has my induU 
gence, or your mailer's good humour, flatter 'd ypa 
into the aiTurance of reading his letters ? a libcrtv I 

never gave myfelf Here— lay it where you had it 

immediately — (hould be know pi your faucinefs, 
'twould not be my favour could proteft you. [£jr/VL. Eafy. 

Edg, Your favour! Marry come up ! Sure I don't 
depend upon your favour ! — 'tis not come to that, I 
hope — Poor creature — don*t you think I am my 
mailer's miflrefs for nothing ? — you fhall find, ma?- 

dam, I won't be fnapt up as I have been Not but 

it vexes me to think (he (hould not be as uneafy as L 
I am fure he is a bafe man to me^ and I could cry 
my eyes out, that (he Ihouid not thmk him as bad to 
her every jot. If I am wronged, fure (he may very 

wcUexpedl it,, that is but his wife A conceited 

thing 



r 



T^E CARElESS HUSBAND.. j 

thing— ^ — Ihc need not be fo eafy neither — ^1 am sft 

liandionie as fhe, I hope- — Here's niy maftcr* ^I'll 

try whether I am to be hafF'd by her or no. Relink* 
/vyw/^r Sir Charles Eafy. ^ • 

Sir Chft. ^o ! the day is cottic again- ^Lifebbt 

rift'8 to another ft age, and the fame dull journey ^-k 
before us. How Trkc children do We judge c^f happi- 
nefs I When Iwas ftintel in my fortnne, ^mott everjr 
thing was a pleafare to me, becaufe moll things tK^ 
being out of my reach, I h^d always th€ plcaUitc •f 
hoping for 'em; now fortune's in my hand, ih«'8 at 

iniipid as an old acquaintance It's mighty ^lly, 

fAith Juft the fame thin^ by my Wife too ; lam 

'told (he's extremely handfome nay, and ki?c 

heard a great many people fay (he is certainly the heft 

woman in the worii why, I don't know but llic 

may, jet I could never find that her pcrfon or good 

, qualities gave me any . concern In my eye, the 

Woman hsis no more charms than my mother. 

Edg, Hum ! he takes no notice of me yet t ■ 

^i'll kt him fee, I can take as little ilotice of him. 

^ ISbe (walks by him gravely ^ he turnf het ahovi and holds 

^ ifr^ A^Jfruggfes,] Pray Sir. 

"^' Sir Char.' A pretty pert air that — — ^ I'll humow it 

;* ^--What's the matter, child ? are you not well ? Kifs 
'ijiic, huify. 

£dg. No, the deuce fetch me if J do. 

Sir Char. Has any thing put thee out of humour, 

^ lEdg. No, Sir, 'tis «not worth my being outofhu- 

'mburat' tho, ifever you have any thing to fay to 

^ me again, ITlbeburn'd. 

Sir Char. Somebody has belied me to thee. 
Edg. No, fir, 'tis you have belied yourfelfto me— 
Did not I a(k you, when you firft made a fool of me, if 
yon would be always conftant to me, and did not you 
lav, I might be furc you would ? And here, inftead 
. ot that, you arc going on in your old intrigue, with 
nay Lady Graveairs. ■ 
' Sir Char. So ! 

Edg. Befide, don't you fuffer my Lady to huff me 

^ery day as if 1 were her dog, or had no more con- 

• A 4 . €cra 



I THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

cem with vou ? — — - 1 declare I won't bear it, and (Ec 

ftisui't think to huff me For ought I know I am 

as agreeable as (he ; and tho' (he dares not take anj 
notice of your bafenefs to her, you (han't think ta 
ufe rae fo — and fo pray take your nafty letter 
' I know the hand well enough— For my part^ I won't 
ftay in the family to be abufed at this rate : I that 
have refnfed lords and dukes for your fake. I'd hs^vc 
you to knoH^ , fir, I have had as many blue and green 
ribbons after me, for ought I know> as would have 
made me a falbala apron. 

Sir Char, My Lady Graveairs ! my nafty letter 1 

and I won't ftay in the family ! Death ! I'm in a 

pretty condition What an unlimited privilege has 

this jade got from being a — 

Edg, I fuppofe, fir, you think to ufe every body as 
^you do your wife. . 

Sir Char. My wife! hah !--*-Come hither, Mrs* 
Edging ; hark you, drab. [Seizing her bj thejboulder. 

Edg, Oh 1 

Sir Char. When you fpeak of my wife you are x,o 
fay your lady ; and you are never to fpeak of your 
lady to me in any regard of her being my wife ■■ 

for look you, child, you are not her ftrumpet, but 
mine, therefore I only give you leave to be faugr with 

me In the next place, you are never to ilippofb 

there is any fuch perfon as my Lady Qrayeairs ; and 
laftly, my pretty one, how came you by this letter ? 

Edg, It's no matter, perhaps. 

Sir Char, Ay, but if you ftiould not telfme quick- 
ly, how are you fure I won't take a great piece of fle(h 
out of your (houlder ? My dear. [Shakes her^ 

Edg, Olud ! O lud ! I will tell you, fir. 

Sir Char, Quickly then.-^ [Again, 

Edg, Oh ! I took it out of your pocket, fir. 

Sir Char, When ? 

Edg. Oh ! this morning, when you fcnt me for your 
fnuff-box. 

Sir Char, And your ladyfhip's pretty curiofity has 
looked it over, I prefume ha [Again. 

Edg, O lud ! dear fir, don't be angry -i—^- indeed 
1*11 never touch one agafn. 

Sir Ckar* 



, THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 9 

*y/r©&rtr.,I don't believe you will, and ITJtdlyA 
how you (hall be fure you never will. 

Mj/^. Yes, fir. 

.fir Char. By Iledfaftly believing, that tlie next 
time you offer it, you will have your pretty white 
neck twifted behind you. 

£dg. Yes, fir. [Courtfiyhg^ 

. Sir Char. And you will be fure to remember every 
thtng I have faid to you ? 

Edg, Yes, fir. 

x^^ir Char, And now, child, I was not angry witli 
your perfon, but your follies ; which llnce I find you 

are a little fenfible of don't be wholly difcouraged 

for I believe I 1 (hall have occafion fee 

yvH» again. 

Edg. Yes, fir. 

Sir Char. In the mean time let me hear no more 
^f your lady, child. 
^ Edg. No, fir. 

Sir Char. Here (he comes, be gone. 

Edg. Yes, fir— Oh! I was never fo frighten'd irt 
my life. [Exit* 

Sir Char. So ! good dicipline makes good foldicrt 
- .. ■ . , It often puzzles me to think, from my own care- 
leifnels, and my wife's continual good-humour, whe- ' 
"ther (he really knows any thing of the (Irength of my 

forces I'll fift her a little. 

Enter Lady Eafy.. 
My dear, how do you do ? You, aie dreflTed very early 
to-day, are you going out f 

L. Eafy. Only to church, my dear. 

Sir Char. Is it fo late then ? 

L. Eafy. The bell has juft rung. 

Sir Char. Well, child, how does Windfor air agree 
with you ? Do you find yourfelf any better yet ? or 
have you a mind to go to London again ? 

L. Eafy. No, indeed, my dear ; the air's fo very 
picafant, that if it were a place of lefs con^pany, I 
could be content to end my days here. 

Sir Char. Pr'ythee, my dear, what fort of compa- 
ny would moft pleafe you ? 

L. Eafy, When bufinefa. would permit it, yours ; 

and in youi abfence a fincere fiiendj that were truly 

A f happy 



lo THE CARELESS HUSBAND, 
happy in an honeft huftand, to fit a chcarfiil hour, 
400 talk in mutual: praife of our condition. 

^/> Char. Are you then really very happy, nay dear ? 

Lp Eafy. Why mould you queftion it ? [Smiiing wi bim^ 

iiir C£ar, Becaufe I fancy I am not £o good to yott 
as I (hould be. 

L.Ea/y. Plhah! 

Sir Char, Nay, the deuce take me if I don't really 
confcfs myfelf fo bad, that I hare often wonder'd how 
any woman of your fenfe, rank, and perfon, could 
think it worth her while to have fo many ufciefs good 
qualities. 

X. Eajy^ Fy, my dear, 
- Sir Cfjar, By my foul, I'm ferious. 

L. Eafy, I can't boaft of my good qualities, nor i£ 
. J could, do I believe you think 'em ufelefs. 

Sir Char, Nay. I fubmit to you don't you find 
•fem fo ? Do you perceive that I am one tittle the bet* 
tcr hufband for your being fo good a wife ? 

Z. Eafy, Pfhah ! you jeft with me. 

Sir Char. Upon my life I don't Tell me truly,, 

was you. never jealous of me ? 

Z, Eafy. Did I ever give yon any fign of it T 

Sir Cbar^ Um that's true but do you really 

tliink I never gave you occafion ? ^ 

Z. Eafy, ""l hat's an odd queftion but fuppofe 

you had ? 

Sir Char. Why then, what good has your virtue- 
done you, fince all the good qualities of it could not 
keep me to yourfelf ? 

L. Eafy. What oceafion have you given me to fup- 
pofe I have not kept you to myfelf. 

Sir Char. I given you occafion ! Fy ! my dear 

^— you may be fure—— I— — look you^, that is not 

the thing, but ftill a (death, what a blunder have 

I made) a ftill, I fay, madam, you Ihan't make 

TOC believe you have never been jealous of mc; not 
that you ever had any real caufi, but I know women 
of your principles have more pride than thofe that 
liave no principles at all.; and where there is pride 
there muft be fome jealoufy fp that if you are jea- 
lous, my dear, you know you wrong me, and— ^ — 
L» Ea/j, Why thcUjL "?<>» niy word, my dcar^ I 

dot't 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND' ii 

doat know that ever I wrosged you that way in flftf 

life. 

Sir Clnm But fupp'^fe I had given a real caufc to 
be jeaJoiis, how woald you do then f 

Z. Eiijy, It muft be a vety fubilantial otic that 
wakes me jealous. 

Sir Char. Say it were a fubftantial one— fuppofe 
now I were well with a. woman of your acquaint- 
ance, that under pretence of frequent vilits to you, 
Ihould only come to carry on an affair with me 
Suppofe now my Lady Graveairs an4 I were great— 

L, Eafy. Would 1 coll Id not fuppofe it ! [Afide. 

Sir Char. If I come off here I believe I am pfctty 

fafe. \^AJideA Suppofe, I fay, my lady and I 

were fo very familiar, that not only yourfeif, out half 
the town fbould fee it ? 

»Z. Eajy\ Then I (hould cry myfelf fick in fume 
dark clofetj and forget my tears when you fpoke 
kindly to jiie. 

Sir Chat, The moH convenient piece of virtue fnir 
that ever wife was miilrefi of! \^Afidt^ 

L, E.ifj, But pr^y, my dear, did you ever think 
tbat,I bad anr ill thfmghts oimy Lady GmvcHirs ? 

Sir char, 6 ly ! child ; only you know llie atid I 
wfed to be a Hi tie free fometimeSt fo I had a mind to 
fee if you thought there was iiny harm in it; but 
fmcel find yoii very eafy in It, I think myfdf obli^L-d 
to tell you, that upon my ftul, my dear, 1 ha?e fo 
little regard to her perfan, that xhff deuce take me, if 
I would not as foon have an affair with thy woman* 

L. Eiijj. Indeed, my dear, 1 Qiould as foon fufp^^ 
you with one as t'other. 

Sir Char, Poor dear ibauld'ft diott give me 

a kifs, 

L, Eq^. Plhah I you don*t care to kift me. 

Sir Chnr. By my foul I do 1 wifh I may die if 

I don t think you a very fine woman, 

L, Ettij\ 1 only wtfli you'd thir*k rae a good wife. 
^Kiffes hn.^ Rut jiray* my dear, what has made yoa fo 
Krangely inquifutve ? 

Sir Char. Inquiiltive ! ^-i^Why ^— a— *— I don't 
know J one's always faying one ft^olifh thinji^ or an- 

#tbcr ToU k'rolb [Si/igs and taih,\ My dear, 

A 6 what I 



I 

1 



tz THE CARELESS HUSBANEL 
what ! are we never to have any ball here ? Toll le 
roll, I fancy I could recover ray dancing again, if 
I would but praftife it. Toll, loll, loll I 

L, Eaj^, This excefs of careleflnefs to me exCufcs 
half his vices : if I can make him once think ferioufly 
*-"— time. yet may be my friend. 

Enier a Servant. 

Serv. Sir, Lord Morelove gives his fervicfr— — 

Sir Char. Lord Morelove ! Where is he ? 

Serv. At the chocolate- houfe he called me to him 
. as I went by, and bid me tell your honour he'll wait 
upon you prefcntly. 

Z. Eaf^, I thought you had not expedled him here 
again this feafon, my dear. 

Sir Char. I thought fo too, but you fee there's no 
depending upon the refolution of a man that's in 
love. 

X. Eafy, Is there a chair ? 

Serv. Yes, madam. \Exit Serv, 

L. Eafy. I fuppofe Lady Betty Modifh has drawn 
him hither.. 

Sir Char. Ah poor foul, for all his bravery, I am 
afraid fo. 

L. Eafy. Well, my dear, I han't time to afk my 
lord how he does now; you'll excufe me to him, but 
I hope you'll make him dine with us. 

Sir char. I'll a (k him. If you fee Lady Betty at 
prayers, make her dine too ; but don't take any notice 
of my lord's being in town. 

L. Eafy. Very well ! if I (hould not meet her there, 
I'll call at her lodgings. 
' Sir Char. Do fo. 

L, Eafy. My dear, your fervant. VExit L. Eafy. 

Sir Char. My deaf. Vm your's. — Well I one way 
or other this woman will certainly bring about her 
bufinefs with me at laft ; for tho* Ihe can't make me 
happy in her own perfon, (he lets me be fo intolera- 
bly eafy with the women that can, that (he has at 
kaft brought me into a fair way of being as weary of 
iliem to. 

Enter Servant and Lord Mordovc* 

Birv> Sir, my lord's come* 
^ii/Uor* Dear Charles I 

Sir Ciar. 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. ^j 

'^/r Char, My dear Lord ! this is an happinefs un* 
dreamt of; I little thought to have fcen you at Wind- 
f or again this feafon ; I concluded of courfe, that 
books and folitude had fecured you till winter. 

L, Mor Nay, I did not think of coming ; but I found 
myfelf not very well in London, fo 1 thought— *a 

—little hunting, and this air 

, Sir Char. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Z. Mor, What do you laugh at ? 

Sir Char, Only becaufe you fhould not go on with 
your (lory. If you did but fee how filly a man fum- 
bles for an excufe, when he is a little aihamed of be- 
ing in love, you would not wonder what I laugh at I 
Ha! ha! ^ - 

L. Mor, Thou art a very happy fellow— nothing 

touches thee always eafy Then you conclude 

I follow Lady Betty again ? 

Sir Char, Yes, faith do I : and to make you eafy,. 
my lord, I cannot fee why a man that can ride fifty 
miles after a poor ftag, fhould be aihamed of running 
twenty in chafe of a fine woman, that in all proba* 
bility will make him fo much the better fport too. 

X. Mor, Dear Charles, don't flatter my diftempcr ;: 
I own I flill follow her : do you think her charms^ 
have power to excufe me to the world ? 

Sir Char. Ay ! ay ! a fine woman's an excufe for 
any thing ; and the fcandal of her being in jeft, is 
a jeft itfelf : we are all forced to be their fools, before 
we can bejjieir favourites. 

Z. Mor, You are willing to give me hope/but I 
can't believe Ihe has the leaft degree of inclination; 
for me. 

Sir Char, I don't know that— Tm fu re her pride 
likes you, and that's generally your fine ladies darl- 
ing paflion. 

L, Mor. Do you fuppofe if I could grow indiffer* 
ent, it would touch her. 

Sir Char, Sting her to the heart ^Will you take 

my advice ? ' 

L. Mor. I have no relief but that. Had I not thee 
now and then to talk an hour, my life were infup^ 
.portable. 

SirChap^ 



14 THE CARELESS HUSRAND, 

Sir Char. I'm forry for that, my lord-— r- but mlod 
what I fay to you—— But hold, fiift let me know the 
particulars of vour late quarrel with her. 

L. Mar, Why. about three weeks ago, when I 

was laft here at Windfor, fhe had for foroc days treated 
me with a little more refcrve, and another with more 
freedom than I found royfelf eafy at. 

^ir Char, Who was that other ? 

L, Mor. One of my Lord Foppington's gang, the 
pert coxcomb that's juft come to a fmall eftate, and a 

great perriwig he that fiags himfelf among the 

women - — What d'ye call him He won't ipeak 

to a commoner when a lord's in company You 

always fee him with a cane dangling at his button, 
his breaft open, no gloves, one eye tuck'd under his 
hat, and a toothpick— —Startup, that's his name. 

Sir Char. O ! I have met him in a vifit— - — but 
pray go on. 

Z». mer^ So, difputing with her about the condudl 
of women, I took the liberty to tell her how far I 
thought (he err'd in hers ; {he told me I was rude, 
and that (he would never believe any man could love 
a woman, that thought her in the wrong in any thing 
(he had a mind to, at lead if he dared to tell her fo— 
This provoked me into her whole charader, with as 
much fpite and civil malice, as I have feien her be- 
ftow upon a woman of true beauty, when the men firft 
toafted her : fo, in the middle of my wifdom, fhe told 
me, (he defirtd to be alone> that I would tak* my 
odious proud heart along with me and trouble her no 

more I bowed very low, and as 1 left the 

room I vowed I never would, and that my proud heart 
ihould never be humbled by the out(ide of a fine wo- 
man—About an hour after, I whipp'd into my 
chaife for Londcn, and have neverfecfi her fmcc. 

Sir Char, Vcty well; and how did you find your 
proud heart by that tin e you got to Hounflow ? 

Z. Mor, I am almoft alhamed to tell you \ 

found her fo much Jn the right, that I curfed my 
pride for contradiding her at all, and began to 
think according to her maxim, that no woman could 
be in the wrong to a man that (he had in her power 

SkCiatu 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 15 

Sh'Ckftr. Hat ha!— Well, Til tell you what yon 
ihall do* You can fee her witjiout trembling, I 
iiopc r 

L. Mor. Not if ftic receives mc well. 

S/> Char. If (he receives you well, yoa will have 
wt occadon for what I am going to fay to you * 

isft^ you (hall dine with her. 

L, Mor. Hiw ! where ! when \ 

Sir Char. Here ! here 1 at five o'clock, 

L. Mor. Deaf Charles ! 

Sir Char, My wife's goi^ to invite her — When ya» 
fee her firft, be neither too humWe nor too ftubborn; . 
let her fee by the eafe in your behayiour, you are ftill 
pleafcd in being near her, while (he is upon reafon* 
able terms with you. This will either open the doof' 
of an eclaircrj/ement, op q^ifcite (hut it againft yo g - ■■ ■ 
and if (he is ftill refolved to keep you out- ■ 

Zr. Mor, Nay, if (he infults rae — then,, perhaps I 
may recover pride enough to rally her by an over* 
afted fubmiifion. 

Sir Char. Why> you improve, my lord ; this is the 
▼ery thing I was goin? to propofe to you. 

L. Mor, Was it, faith ! Hark: you,, dare you (land 
by me ? 

Sir Char., Dare I \ 2Ly, . to- my laft drop of a(rurance^ 
againft all the infolent airs of the proudeil beauty ia 
Chriftendomv 

L. Mor. Nay, then defiance to her W e two 

. Thou haft infjpired me, I find myfelf as valiaot 

as a flattered coward* 

Sir Char.. Cowrage, my lord — 111 warrant we beat 
her. 

L. Mor. My bI(5od ftir* at the very thought on't* I 
long to beengagfd. 

^/> Char. She'll cerEain^y give ground, when flie 
•nee fees you are thoroughly provoked* 

X. Mot\ Deax Charks, thou art a friend indeed* 

S^ru. Sir, my Lord Foppingron givcj his fervnce^ 
and if your honour's at kilure, he'U wait on you as 
foen as he's drefs'd, 

L. Mor. Lord Foppington I is he in town ? 

SiifCbar. Ym^ — i heard Jail nig^ht be was come. 



' itf THE CARELESS HUSBAND* 
* Give toy fervice to his lordfhip, and tell him Ifhsill 
be glad he'll do me the honour of his company h«c 
at dinner. [Exit Serv,] We may have occafion for 
him in our defign upon Lady Betty. ^ 

L. Mor, What ufe can we make of him ? 

Sir Char. We'll fee when he comes ; at Icaft there's 
no danger in him; not but I fuppofe you know he's 
your rival. 

Z. Mor. Pfhah ! a coxcomb. 

Sir Char. Nay, don't defpife him neither— — he's 
*ahle to give you advice ; for tho' he's in love with the 
fame woman, yet to him fhe has not charms enough 
to give a minute's pain. 

L. Mor. Pr'y thee, what fcnfe has he of love?? 

Sir Char, Faith, very near as much as a man of 
fenfe ought to have. I grant you, he knows not how 
to value a woman truly deferving ; but he has a pretty 
juft efteem for moft ladies about town. 

L, Mor. That he Jollows, I grant you for he 

ieldom vifits any of extraordinary reputation. 

Sir Char, Have a care I have leen him at Lady 
Betty Modilh's 

L. Mor. To be laugh'd at. 

Sir Char. Don't be too confident of that, the- wo- 
men now begin to laugh with him, not at him : for 
he really fometimes rallies his own humour with fo 
much eafe and pleafantry, that a great many women 
begin to think he has no follies at all, and thofe he 
has, have been as much owing to his youth, and a 
great ell ate, as want of natural wit, 'Tis true, he's 
often a bubble to his pleafures, but he has always 
been wifely vain enough to keep himfelf from being 
too much the ladies humble fervant in love. 

L. Mor. There indeed I almoft envy him.. 

Sir Char.. The eafinefs of his opinion upon the fex 
will go near to pique you — We muft have him. 

L. Mor. As you pleafe But what (hall we da 

with ourfelves till dinner ? 

Sir Char. What think you of a party at piquet ? 

L. Mor; O ! you are too hard for me. 

Sir char. Fy ! fy ! what ! when you play with his 
Grace ? 

L.Mor. Upoa my (bal he gives *nie three points. 

tir Chan' 



TTHE CARELESS HUSBAND. 17 

Sir Char. Docs he? why then you (hall give me 

•but two-^ — Here, fellow, get cards. Allons. \Exeunt. 



ACT II. SCENE, Lady Betty Modifh's lodgingi. 

Enter Lady Betty, and Lady Eafy, me f ting. - 

I my dear I I am overjoyed to fee you 
am ftrangely happy to-day; I have 



L. Bet, /^ H ! my dear I I am overjoyed to fee you ! 

V^ I am ftrangely happy to-day; I have 

juft received my new fqarf from London, and you arc 



moft critically come to give me your opinion of it, 

L, Eafy, O ! your fervant, madam, I am a very 
indifferent judge, you know : what is it like ? 

Z. Bet. O ! 'tis impoffible to tell you what it is ! 
— ~'Tis all extravagance both in mode and fancy, 
my dear; I believe there's fix thou fand yards' of 
tdgine in it — Then fuch an eichantine (lope from 

the elbow fomething fo new, fo lively, fo noble, 

• fo coquet and charming but you (hall fee it, my 

dear * 

L, Eafy, Indeed I won't, my dear ; I am refolv'd 
to mortify you for being fo wrongfully fond of a 
trifle. 

L, Bet, Nay, now, my dear, you are ill-natured. 

L. Eafy, Why truly, I'm half angry to fee a wo- 
man of your fenfe fo warmly concern'd in the care of 
her outfide ; for when we have taken our beft pains 
about it, 'tis theiDeauty of the mind alone that givea 
us lafling value. 

Z. Bet. Ah! ray dear! my dear ! you have been a 
ma'rried woman to a fine purpofe indeed, that know 
fo little of the tafte of mankind. Take my word, a 
new fs^fliion upon a fine woman is often a greater proof 
of her value than you are aware of. 

Z. E(7fy, That I can't comprehend ; for you fee, 
among the msn, nothing's more ridiculous than a new 
fsfhion. Thofe of the firfl fenfe are always the laft 
that come into 'em. 

L. Bet. That is, bccaufe the only merit of a man 
IS his fenfe; but doubtlefs the grcateft value of a wo- 
man is her beauty ; an homely woman at the head of 
a falhion, would not be allowed in 11 by 41* i*»«5* 

and* 



$i THE CARELESS HUSBANO. 
aad confequently not followed by the wom^: f(9 
that to be iuccclsful in one's fan«y is an evident figf 
of one's being admir'(L and I always take admiration 
for the bed proof of feauty, and beauty certainly it 
die fource of power, as power in all creatures is the 
heigh th of ha^ppincfs, 

L. Eafj, At this rate, you would rather be thought 
beautiful than good^ 

. Z. Bet. As 1 had ratl>er command than obey. The 
wifeft homely woman can't make a man of fenfc of a 
fool, but the verieft fool of a beauty (hall make an aft 
•f a ftatefman ; fo that, in Ihort, I can't fee a wo^ 
ipan of .fpirit has any bufinefs in this world but to 
drefs and make the men like her. 

L. Eajy. Do you fuppofe this is a principle the 
men of fenfe will admire you for ? 

L, Beu I do fuppofe, that when I fuflfer any man 
to like my perfon, he (han't dare to find fauh wkh 
my principle. 

L. EaN. Sat men of fenfe are not fo eafily hunn- 
bled. 

L. Bit. The cafieft of any ; one has ten thoufan3 
times the trouble with a coxcomb. 

L. Eajy. Nay, that may be ; for I have feen yon 
throw away more good humour in hopes of a tendrejji 
from my Lord Foppington, who loves all women alike, 
than would have made my Lord Morclovc perfc^y 
happy, who loves only you. 

/,. Bet, The men of fenfe, my ckar, make the bed 
fools in the world : their fmcerity ^and good-breeding 
throw's them fo entirely into one's power, and gives 
OQe fuch an agreeable thirft for ufmg them ill, to flicw 
/that pov^er- 'tis impofuble not to quench it. 

£. EaJy, But mcthinks, my Lord Morelove's man- 
ner to you might move any woman to a kinder fenfe 
of his merit. 

. L, Bet, Ay ! but would it not be hard, my dear, 
for a poor weak woman to have a man of his quality 
and reputation in her power, and not let the world 
fee him there? Would any creature fit new-drefs'd 
all day in her clofet ? Could you bear to have a fwcct- 
fancied fuit, and never ihcw it at the play*, or in the 
drawing- room I 

L.Eafym 



THE CARELfiSS MUSRANI*. >f 
t. Eafy. But one would not ride in't, methlnks, 

•r harrais it out, when there's no occaHon. 

Z. Bet, Pooh ! my Lord Morelorc's a mere Indian 

damafk, one can't wear him out : o'my confciencc, I 

mufl give him to my woman at laft. 

Z. Eajy. Now, 'tis to me amazing, how a roan of hi5 

fpirit can bear to be wfed like a dog fof four or five 

years together but nothing's a wonder in lovr; 

yet pray, when you found you could not like bira at 

firft, why did you ever encourage him ? 

* Z. Bet, Why, what would you have one do ? for 
my pai-t, I could no more choofe a man by my cyt^ 
than a Ihoe ; one muft draw 'em on a little to fee if 
they are right to one's foot. 

Z. Eajy. But I'd no more fool on with a man I 
could not like, than I'd wear a fhqe that pinch'd me. 

L, Bet, Ay, but then a poor wretch tells on«, he'll 
widen 'em, or do any thing, and is fo civil and filly, 
that one does not know how to turn fuch a trifle^ utm 
pair of (hoes or an heart, upon a fidlow'f hands 
again. 

• L, EaJy, Well ! I confefs yod are very happily dif- 
tinguilhj'd among moft women of fortune, to have a 
man of my Lord Morelove's fenfe and quality fo long 
and honourably in love with you : tor now-a>days 
/One hardly ever hears of fuch a thing as a man of 
quality in love with a woman he ^ould many : to 
be in love now is only having a defign upon a woman» 
a modifh way of declaring war againft her virtue, 
which they generally attack firll, by toafting up her 
vanity. 

L. Bet, Ay, but the world knows that is not the 
cafe between my lord and me. 

Z. Ea/y, Therefore 1 think you happy, 

I. Bet. Now I don't fee it. I'll fwear I'm better 
pleafed to know there are a great mariy foolifti feU 
lows of quality that take occafion to toafl me fre- 
#>quent]y. 

L. Ea/y, I vow I Ihould not tliank any gentleman 
for toafting me ; and I have, often wonder'd how a 
woman of your ft>i"t could bear a great many othet 
fttedoiDi I We iecn fome men take with yoa. 



^ THE CARELESS HUSBANU- 
' £• Bft. As how, my dear ? Come, pr'ythee, be 
free with me, for you rauft know I lov:e dearly to hear 
my faults — ^Whj is't you have obferved to be too 
free with me ? 

L. Eafy, Why, there's my Lord Foppingtoxi} 
could any woman but you bear to (ce him, with a 
rcfpcftful fleer, flare full in his face, draw up hit 
breath, and cry '-Gad, you*re handfome ? 

£• keu My dear, fine fruit will havtf flies about it, 
but, poor things, they do it no harm : for, if you 
obferve, people are generally moft apt to choofe that 
the flics have been bu fy with ; ha ! ha ! 

L, Eafy. But I (hould not think my reputation 
fafe ; my Lord Foppington's a man that talks oftea 
of his amours, but {eldom fpeaks of ^vours that are 
refufed him. 

Z. Bet. P(hah ; will any thin| a man fays make a 
woman lefs agreeable? will this talking fpDil one's 
complexion, or put one hair out of order ? and 
for reputatio?*, look you, my dear, take it for arule, 
that as, amongll the lower rank of people, no woipaii 
wints beauty that has fortune ; fo, amongft people 
of fortune, no woman wants virtue that has b^uty ; 
but an eftate and beauty join'd are of an unlimited, 
nay, a power pontifical, make one not only abfolutc, 
but infalliHle —A line woman's never in the wrong » 
if we were, *tis n'>t the llrength of a poor creature's 

feafori that can unfetter him O! howl love to 

hear a wretch curfe himfelf for loving on, or now 

and then coming out with a 

Yet for the plague of human race, 
1 Ins dc^il has an angel* s face* 

L, Eafy, At this rate, I don't fee you allow reputa- 
tion to be at all e'Jential to a fine woman. 

I. Brt, Juft as much as honour to a great man : 
Indred my dear, thr.t jewel reputation is a very fancifbl 
bufinefs ; onefhall not fee an homely creature in town 
but wears it in her mouth, as monftroufly as the Indiana* 
do bobs at their lips, and it really becomes them juft 
alike. 

L, Eafy, Have a care, my dear, of trufting too far 
to power alone : for nothing is more ridicaloos than 
the fall of pride? and a woman's pride, at beft, may 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 21 
be fufpedled to be more a diilnifl, than a real con* 
tempt of mankind: for when we have faid all we 
can, a deferving huiband is certainly our beft happi- 
nefs : and I don't queilioa but my lord Morelove's 
merit, in a little time, will make you think fo too; 
for whatever airs you give yourfelf to the world, I'm 
fure y6ur heart don't want good-nature. 

/., Bet. You are miftakcn, I am very ill-natured^ 
tho' your good-humour won't let you fee it. 

L. Eafy, 1 hen to give me a proof on't, let me fee 
•you rcfufe to go immediately, and dine with m% 
after I have promifed Sir Charlesto bring you. 

/.. Bet. Pray don't alk me. 

L.Eajy. Why? 

t. Bet, Becaufe to let you fee I hate good-nature, 
I'll go without aflcing, that you mayn't have the ma- 
lice to fay I did you a favour, 

X. Eajy. Thou art a mad creature. \Exeunu 

The SCENE changes to Sir Charles's Lodgings, 

Lord Morelove and Sir Charles at Piquet. 
Sir Char. Come, my lord, one fmgle game for the 
toutt and fo ha^ e done. 

L, Mor. No, hang 'em, I have enough of 'em ; 
' ill cards are the dulleft company in the world — How 
much is it ? 

Sir Char. Three parties. 
L, Mor. Fifteen pounds— very well. 
[While L. Mor. counts out his money ^ a /errant gives Sir 
Charles a letter ^ wohich he reads to him/elf. 
Sir Char. [To the/ervant.'\ Give niy fervice, fay I 
have company dines with me ; if I have time, I'll call 
there in the afternoon — Ha ! ha I ha I Exit Serv^ 

I. Mor. What's the matter ? There 

[Paying thejnonej. 
Sir Char. The old affair — my lady Graveairs. 
Z- Mor. O I pr'ythee how does that go on ? 
Sir Char. As agreeable as a Chancery- fuit : for 
now it's come to the intolerable plague of my npt 

feeing able to get rid on't,, as you may fee — ■ 

[Ginjing the letter. 

L. Mor. [Reads. 1 Tour beharviour Jince I came to 

Wind/or has convinced me of your njillainy ^without my being 

/urfri%,*d or angry a$ it, Idefireygu wtmld Utmefiey^u 



n THE CARELESS MUSBANIQ. 

at my lodgings immediately^ <where I fiall hafue a better 
(^portunity to convince you ^ that I never can, or foffitvoely 
nmllbe as I ba^ve been. Yours. tS^c. 

A very whimfical letter ^ Faith, I think (he has hard 
luck with you : if a man were obliged to have a 
miftrefs, lier perfon and condition fecm to be cut- out 
for the eafe of a lover ; for (he's a young, handfome, 
wild, well jointured widow— • — But what's your quar- 
jrcl? 

Sir Char. Nothing — =ihe fees the coolnefs happeni 
totjefirft on xny fide, and her bufinefs with me now, 
I fuppofe, i9 to convince me, how heartily (he's vcx'd 
that (he was not before-hand with me. 

Zr. Mor. Her piide, and your indiflfcrence, muft 
ocotfion a pleafant fcene fure ; what do you intoid to 
do? 

Sir C]oar» Treat her with a <:oo! familiar air, 'till I 
pique her to forbid me her fight, aod then take her 
at. her word, 

Z. Morj> Very jjaUant and provoking. 
Enter a Servant, 

Serv. Sir, my lord Foppington ■ [Extt^ 

SJr Char. O — now, my lord, if you ha^'C a mind 
to be let into the myftery of making love without 
pain — here's a one that's a mafter of the art, and (hall 

declaim to you [E/iter Lord Foppington.] My 

dear lord Foppington. 

L, Fop, My dear agreeable 1 ^e je t'emhrajfe ! 
Tarda 11 y a cent ans que je ne t^aiveu — ^My lord, I 
am your lordfhip's mod obedient humble fervant. 

Z. Mor, My lord, I kifs your hands — I hope wc 
(hall have you here fome time; you" feem to have lai4 
in a (lock of health to be in at the diverfions of the 
place — ^you look extremely well. 

I. Fop, To fee one's friends look fo, my lord, may 
^^'iiy ^\\t ■Si'vermeille to one's complexion. 
• Sir Char, Lovers in hope, my lord, always hare a 
vifible brillant in their eyes and air. 

/.. Fop. What dofttliou mean, Charles? 

Sir char. Come, come, confefs what really brought 
you to Windfor, now vou have no bufinefs there ? 

£. Fop. Why two nours, and fix of the bcft nitgi 
ia Chriilendom, or the deril drive me. 



THECARELESS HtTSBANO. tj 

t. Mor, You make haflc my lord. 
'. i. Fof, My lord, I always fly when I purfoe ■■■■ - 
But they are well kept indeed — I love to have crea- 
tures go as i bid *em ; you have ften 'em, Charles, 
but io has "all tfic world ; Foppingto^i's long tails 
arc known on every road in England. 

Sir Char, Well, my lord; but how came they to 
bring you this road ? You don't ufe to take thefe ir- 
regular jaunts without fome defign in your head of 
having more than nothing to do. 

L. Fop. Plhah! Pox! pr*ythee, Charles, thou 
fcnoweft 1 am a fellow <^{ funs coftjeakenae be where I 
will. 

Sir Ohar, Nay, nay, thisi^ too much among friends, 

my lord ; come, come we muft have it, your real 

bufmefs here. 

L. Fop, Why then, enire nous, there is a certain 
Jille de joye about the court here, that loves winning 
at cards better than all the fine things I have been 
able to fay to her • - * • fo I have brought an odd thou- 
fand bill in my pocket, that I defign ttte-a-ttte, to play 
vff v/ifh her at piquet, or fo : and now the bufineft 
is out. 

Sir Cha. Ah ! and a very good bufincfs too, rof 
Jord. 

L, Fop, If it be weH done, Charles — 

^ir Char, That's as you manage your cards, my 
lord. 

. Z, Mor. This mull be a woman of confequence, bjr 
the value you fct upon her favours. 

Sir Char, O ! nothing's above the price of a fine 
woman. 

i. Ffip. Nay, look yoiu gentlemen, tie price may 
jjot h.^ppcn to lie altogether fo high neither — for 1 
fancy 1 know enough of the game, to make It an eve* 
bett 1 get her for notyng. 
j^ X. Mor. How fo, my lord I 

L. Fep. Becaufe, if Ihc happen to Jefe a good fum 
to mCi I fhaU buy her with her own moncty. 
. X. ^^^r, Thai's new, 1 confcfs- 

X. Fop* You know, Charles, 'tis not impoinblc but 
1 may be five hundTod pounds dpcp wilii licr— then 



L 



14 T,HE (JARILESS JfiUSBANO- i 

T>ills may fell fKort^ and the devil's in't if I w^nt ai| 
fu ranee to alk her to pay me fome wny of othq*. ^ 

6'tr i:ha* And a ni^in muil be a thu/I indeeij, tfiaF 

Woo'c take a kdy*s pc rlbnal fecuritj'' ; hafi ! hali I fiah ! 

^* Fcp. HtKl IifliL hell! thoti art a devil^ Charles^ 

i- iti^n Death ! ho^w Iiappy is thiscoxepmbL f ^e^r- 

i^,, f^/. .But to tell you the truth* geWlemen^—r 
I had another prclling temptation t&^t, uj ou^lit mt hi- 
ther, wfaiji^ w^s^ — m^ wife. 

L* "^fsr. Iliat's k'ind, indeed; my . la dv hl|s., Wctj. 
here thisjnpntbji flii5^'lJ b^ glad to fee.yjpu^ \}^ \ 

L* Fop. Tlhat I don't know ^ ^cj^ \ d^^fig^j thf s dfv^X'x 
pQgn.to-fendher to Londpnv ^, V ^ ' \ \ 

that would bc^crueJ^ ^- * ,■ . . . ^ » » . ..j, , ; i ^4^ ii 

Lf Fof^* ^Y* ; but it-wijrbe mighty conyenijpp^ j ^for. 

file is poflitivcly of ho manner of . ufe in ];i^y. iimo.i^rs. ^ x 

; Z. Afdr, . That's yo\ix , fault, : tfc^ town tjiinks . hteirf a 

vciy^deftrving >vopan., , • •. \'\-'.\ 

. £.* FoP^ If ihc were a woman 9!" the towo> perHagi. 
I dioul4 tiiak fo, too.:, but (^c happens to l)^riij 
wife; apd when a wife is! givea to. d^fejrye mpre'dbauj . 
her hufl)and'8 Inclinations can pay, ^f^ f'^Y fnin4, ftKj 
has no jjerit ^^t all. -. .. i /,»u, ir* • 

£1 Mor, 'She's exrremely well bred, and of a v«^ 
pru(leat;c<?nduft, . 

L.Fo'p, Urn — ay — the woman's proud enough, .', 
UMfiu Add to this, all the world allows, her 
hwjcJfomc« ... . " / 

^•' M^ pfj^e ^\yp rJ4'& ej^tijcwlXf^^i^^^ .5?^ ,M J-M 
I.lhouJidjaJfc U,^^ aJw^our-done me, if.they cqu^ 
fiijd an fxperin3^^Ht>]^Q^ ijpmarry the poor womaa ffjox^ 
the only. ^an»'Ux^rfip world thaj f anf thii^ hi;i:,haiii^j; 

fome..^^/;" ^ ,.„./ . ,.,;./ ,,.' ^ .' 

Z. Af^f^l bdjeye^tlfei?'..are. a.fireat n?,apy iii;,tic 
world, tnaVare'forry. {i» not in|t&eir; pQwer to Vn« 
majryhcc. .^ .[j , V ,^ ^^ .^ ,' • ,_^^ ^ .^ '** ' 

humble, f^vji^^^aiiCwJ^ut^^iq^ ihey, to^jp't^J^ tt^^ 

powext tbeit high |nJ iiug}it^ Yi^^^l'IB^ i^^^^NiS 

mc at a quarter of an hour s warning* ; . , ^ ^^m^fd 

Xf Uw^ Pray, my^ Lord, wttit-di^i jiji marry ftr f 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 25 

L. F9p. To pav vay debts at play, and difinherit 
•Bjr f ounger brother. 

Z* Msr, B«t there are fome things due to a wife* 

L. Fop. And there are fome debts I don't care to 
pay to both which I plead hofband, and my lord. 

Ir. M9r. If I (liouid do fo, I ihould exped to have 
my coach ilopt ui the ftreet, and to meet my wife 
with the windows up in a hackney. 

L. Fop, Then would 1 pat in bail, and order a fe- 
parate maintenance. 

L. Mor. And fo pay double the fum of the debt, 
and be married for nothing. ^ 

L, Fcp, Now I think deferring a dun, and getting 
rid of one's wife, are two of the mod agreeable fwee,ts 
in the liberties of an Englifh fubjeft. 

L. Mor, if I were married, I would as foon »part 
from my eftate, as ray wife. 

Zr. Fop, Now I would not, fun-bum me if I would. 

L, Mor, Death ; But fmcc you are thus indifferent, 
my lord, why would you needs marry a woman of fo 
much merit r Could not you have laid out your 
fpleen upon fome ill-natured fhrcw, that wanted the 
plague of an ill hufband and have let her alone ti> 
iome plain, honed man of quality, that would have 
deferved her. 

I,, Fop, Why faith, my lord, that might have been 
confidcr'd ; bat I rcall>- grew fo paflionately fond of 
her fortune, that, curfe catch me, I was quite blind 
to the reft of her good qualities ; for to tell you the 
truth, if it had been poflible that the old p«t of a 
peer could have tofs'd me in t'other fire ti^oufand for 
'cm, by my confent, flie ihould hav*^ sdinquifli'd her 
merit and virtues to any of her yotmf er fillers. 

$ir Char, Ay, ay, my lord, virtves in a wife arc 
good for nothing but to make her prood, and put the 
world in mind m her huiband's ivsXtL 

Z. Fop. Right, Charles : and ftrike me blind, but 
^lle women of virtue are no^ir grown foch idiots in 
ioire, th«f cxpc^ of a mail juft as tlwy do of a coadi- 
Itofir, dmt ont^ ippetke, IBce t'ct^er*s fleih, fhould 
ineicftfeby feeding. 

^ €hifi\ Rsrirt, my lord, and dczi't confider, that 
iimfmrs tk^Ms ooiiiiHf will iicver da with an EogUfh 
Aoiaach. 

B L* F^.^. 



25 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

L, Fop, Ha! ha! ha! To tell you the truths 
Charles, I ha\e known fo much of that fort of eating 
that I naw think, for an hearty meal, no wild fowl in 
Europe is comparable to a joint of JBandead mutton. 

X. J^Ur, How do you mean ? 

I. ¥'}f^ VV'hy, that for my part I'd rather have a 
■plain nice of my wife's woman, than my guts full of 
e'er an Ortolan duchefs in Chriflendom. 

L. Mot; f>ut I thought, my lord, your chief bufi- 
nefs now at WinJfor,. had been your deiigii upon a 
woman of quality. 

L. Fop, That's true, my lord ; tho* I don't think 
your fine lady the belt difh my felf, yet a man of qua- 
lity can't be without fuch things at his table, 

L, Mor, O ! then you only delire the reputation of 
an affair with her. 

L, Fop, I think the reputation is the moft inviting 
part of an amour with moft women of quality. 

L. Mor^ But, my lord, does not the reputation. of 
your being fo general an undertaker, frighten the 
women from engaging with you ? for they fay, no 
roan can love but one at a time. 

L, Fop, That's juft one more than ever I came up 
to : for, (lop my breath, if ever I loved one in my 
life. 

Z. Mor, How do you gtt 'em then ? 

L, Fop, Why, fometimes as they gtx. other people : 
I drcfs, and let 'em get me; or, if that won't do, as 
I got my title, buy 'em. 

L, Mor, But bow can you, that profefs indifierence, 
think it worth your while to come fo often up to the 
price of a woman of quality. 

L, Fop. Becaufc you muft know, my lord, that 
mod of them begin now to come down to reafon ; I 
jonean thofe that are to be had, for fome die fools : 
but with the wifer fort, *tis not of late fo very expen- 
five : iio^'-and-then a partie quarre, a jaunt or two 
in a hack to a;i Indian hoqfe, a little china, an odd 
thing for a gown or fo, and in three days after» yoa 
meet her at the conTcnicncy of tijring iCj ihez muU* 
moi/elle D*Epitig!e, 

Sir char. Ay, av, my Iord> and when yoa are 
there, you know» wut between a little chatj a dift 



THF: CARELESS HtrSBAND. t^ 

df tea, fnadtmoljAle^ s go<»J huraour, and ^ petit chan^ 
faf, or two, the de\ ils in't if k mail cant fool away 
the time, 'till he fees how it looks upon her by candle- 
light. 

JL F9p, Heh» heh! well faid, Charles; Tgad, I 
fancy thee and I have unlaced many a ref)utatioa 

there Your great lady is as Toon undrcfs'd as her 

woman, 

L. Mor, I could never find it fo the (hame or 

fcandal of a repulfe always made aic afraid of at- 
tempting a woman of condition, 

^ir char, lla! ha! Tgad, my l:Td, you deferre 
to be ill ufed, your modefty's enough to fpoil any 
woman in the world ; but my lord and I undcrftand 
tl:e fcx a little better; we fee plainly that womeiv Jirc 
only cold, as fomc men are brave, from the modefty 
or fear of thofc that attack 'em. 

L. Fop, Right, Charles a man fhould no more 

give up his heart to a woman than his fword to a bul- 
ly ; tliey are both as infol nt as the devil after it. 
Sir Char. How do you like that, my lord? [/« L.Mbr* 

L. Mo. Faith, I envy him But, my lord, fop- 

pofe your inclination (hould (bimble upon a woman 
truly virtuous, would not a feverc repulfe from fuch 
an one put you ftrangely out of countenance ? 

A. ¥op. Not at all J my lord for if a man don't 

mind a box o' th' ear in a fair druggie with a frelb 
country girl, why the deuce (hould he be concem'd at 
an imjicrtinent frown for an attack upon a woman of 
•^ ^ cjuality ? 

Z. Mor, T hen you have no notion of a lady's cruelty ? 
L. Fop, Ha! ha! Let mc blood, if I think there's 
p greater jell in nature. I am ready to crack my guts 
w*ith laughing, to fee afenf^lefs flirt, becaufc the crea- 
ture happens to have a little pride, that (he calls vir- 
tue, about her, give herfelf all the infolent airs of re- 
. frntmcnt and diidain to an honed fellow, that alllthe 
*■ uhiledojes not care three pinphes of fnuff, if (he ^pd 
' her viriue were to run, with their laft faVouri, ^ro* 

iHfe firll rfcgirhcnt oi guards ^Ha! ha!- — it puts 

me in mind of an .a(Fair of mine, fo impertinent*— -« 
Z. hUr* O^ha^'i iropolfible, my lord— *Pray fct's 
' heir it. 

R 2 k Fot^ 



28 THE CARELK<S^fttJSBA'^T>.* 

L, Fof. Why I happened once to bc vcfy well ia 

certain man of quality s family, and his wife likied me. 

X. Af#r. How do you know (he Hked yon f . 

L.' Fof* \yhy from the veiy moment I tdd her I 

(iked her» (lie never .di^ii trufi berfe)f at the end of a 

ro^m «rith me. . 

X. Mor. That might be her not tj^ine^oa. 

Z. /"fl/. My lord— women of auality don't «fe 

to fpeak the uiing plain bat to (atisfy . you I did 

not want encouragement, I never caiAe there in my 
life, Sut (he did immediately fmile, and borrow my 
fnuff-bojc. 

L. Whr. She liked your fnuflF, 'at Icaft-^^-^WcU, 
but how did (he ufe you \ 

Im Fop. By all that's infamous, (h^ jilted me. 
i^ Mor. How ; jHl you ? ' \^ , 

^. Fof. Ay, death's cmfc, (he jUted die. 
, i*. Aitfr. Pray let'a hear. 

• *. f*^ For when I was pretty well convinced (he 
.^d|.a nynd to me, I one day made her an'htnt of an 
ippoifitmifnt :: Uj^ With an infolent fifowii in 

'Iwr'feice, (that made -her look a» ugly as the devii) 
Sfe. cdd Tne, that if evtr I came thither aeain^hpr 
ibi-d Ih'obM/khdw thatiheliad forbiddert me die hooic 
^ before-- — iMd yod ever hear of fuch a flut, 
;'' ^^ (:>^/7r. Intolerable. 

''* ^'L.'Mor: But how did her anfwcr agree with you t 

' • ' L. Fof, O, paflionately well ! for I ftared full in 

'Hky face, and hurft out a- laughing; at which ftic 

*13ifei'd 'upbn her hceli a^ eave a crack with her fan 

like a a^ach-whip, and bridled out of the room with 

ffii' air aoH compleidon of an incenfed turkey-cock. 

, " [ A fervani 'whifiers Sit C)\^l\i%. 

£. ii^it. What did yott then ? 

. x« ?.of' I looked alter, Raped, thre^' up the 

|a(J)^ and fell a fmgjng out of the window— So that 
' ybo fe^, my lord, while a man is not in love, diere's 
.. aagx^t aMiftion in mifling one's wa^ to a woman. 
*** ^Ciar. Ay, ay, yon talk this very well, my 

lord ; but now let's fee how you dire belhave yt^utfeif 
' msoQ adion-*-^Dintier's fprved, and the lady's ihiy 

for w^ ^There's oistwfthin has beeR too hard for 

lUhrUk a man as yourfel& 

i. Afor, 



^ /*• I^or^ I J3;uef6 who yoa mean Have a care, 

Wj: lord , lhc*n prpvc'your coiiragc for yod . 

Z. Fof. Will jjbc f.jthtfn (he's an undone cifeattirri 
Fpr Jet.n^ tcU you, gientlemen, courage is tht whole 
m)'Aery. of^x naakin^ love, and of more fi\t thno eon- 
du^ is in war ; for tlic' bravefk fe!fo\**'iH Eumtic? mat 
beat his brains out againft the flubbotti \^^7\s'of a 

towo^ • — BoV 

— : — Women bom to Be controll'd, ^ 
Stoop, to the forward and the bold. ''= ' ' ^ 

, ' . " TExeunt^ 

. i L..*. ^ ........... 

'..r. ACT III.- The SCENE cofitiMnh:'-'-:"^ 

«^//r Lord Morelqvc, tf»^ Sir ^harlcs. 

/,. Afor. 00 ! did not I bear up bravely ? 

ij Sir Cka, Admirably } ,wiih the/be(t-T)rcd 
infolence in nature^ you infulted ,liJfe ;a Wojpaan of 
qa^dity, when her country bnKifJhuO)afui's jqiitoijp of 
bcfin the wrong place. • i j^ - gn » • ,L. 

I U Mmr. Ha r ha I Did yqu. obdtprYe, .WM;' tfi^ 
fduBb into the room, how c^Kkfsly i)ie .bni|ij^ <d^ Ijljjr 
C|res OTcc me, and when the. qpmp^y .ffilutea Mm 
mod ali th^ while with her fape t^ tjie i^^in^gyif 1' JH[^ ! 

ha ! Well 1 what's to be done ne^t ?. 

Sir Char, Only obferve he)r motions; fpr by l^t 
bduiviour at dinner, I. a^' (ure ihe .deiigpS; tOx gall 
T.QU with my lord Fopp;ngtQn; if fp,^ ycm muil Jland 
her fire, and thcti play; n^y lady Qraveajjs up9n;l^, 
whom I'll immedii^t^}^ pi^« fjLndl P^i?f^$ ^^^ J9f^ 
.purpofe. • :-. '.:,'::...• ' /" /.'-v i; •• -.;,,{ 

i* ikf^r. I undci^ji^ yoi^-^^^' propcrcft' .^Ojijjii 
in the world .too.^ foi lhc*ll certainly encourage'' tne 
Icaft offer from me, in ,lu)p^. of levec^^ig^her flights 
upon you. <• '-•■.. ..* '' ....... "^ 

^ . ^ Sir, df^r^ . JUght ; an^ tHc" yeryxncoflErag<|netiff: (he 
gives X^U4.:^ttfeB,T;^me..UII)f.;^J;^^ gi\«linJe..a 'bretfelitc 

" ■ k^fm^r ^M^orrM rAK^f^! » ^^^ U»jV 

■SAy 

..,.,. ^ ^^ ,,^^- ,^.-^, _--. . ^^^- _^.^. ^-^o ^^ete, 

vfo' yw; i^^f *ft.ftke/:,'a, w^^ 
-nati^isfi ,.<wigH«:Jor have ;ifip^njg;™)re 'frdm f VfiWi, 
than bare occafions toprove-^hcc gop^ncl?. '"^^ ^ 



5© THE. CARELESS H.U-SJ&AN©. 

Sir Char^ Why then,u}H)n honour,: my JorJ, to, give 
you proof thap 1. am pofmvcly thebcS'huibandin A« 
world, my wife never yet found mc ouU . \ . 

li* JWor, That may be her being the bcft wife in 
the world ; fhc, mzy be^ won*t find you out. 

Sir Char. Nay,.if (he wont tell a man of his faults, 
when (he fees 'em^ how the deuce fhould he mend 'em I 
But however, you fee I am going to leave /em off as 
fail as I can. 

L> Mor, Seing tired of a woman is indeed a pretty 
tolerable affurance of a roan's not defigning to fool 
on with her — —Here (he conies, and if I don't 

miftake, brimfull of reproaches ^You can't tak« 

her in a better time 111 leave you. 

EMUr Lady Graveairsw 
Your ladyfhip's mod humble fenant, is the com- 
pany broke up, pray ? 

Z. Crav, No, my lord, they are juft talking of bai^ 
ftt; my Lord Foppington has a mind to tally, if youc 
lordihip would encourage the table. 

Z. itf(0r« O madam, with all my heart ! ^but Sir 
Charles, I know, is hardi to be got to it; 111 leave 
your ladjfhip to prevail with him. TExii L. Mor. 

[Sir Cfharles n/tii I-idy Graveairs /altae coldIj\ and ^ 
trijie/otru time before tbev/pesL 

£. Gra^. Sir Charles^ I tent you a note this mom* 
ing. 

Sir Char. YeSa madam, but there were fomc pat 
fages I did not exped from your lady {hip ; you (eem'd 
tpttax me with things that -— 

LI Cn7-j. Xook you, fir, *tis not at all niaterial^ 
whether I tax'd you with any thing or no : all I have 
to fay to you is, that you need not give youriclfthe^ 
trouble to call at my lodgings this afternoon, if you 
fhould have time, as you v\ae plcafeil to fend me 
word,— —and fo your fervant, fir, diat's all — 

Sir Char. HoW, madam. 

X. Gra<i\ Lock you. Sir Charles, 'tis not yoqr call- 
ing me back that will lignify any thing, I can afliirt 
you, .. 

Sir Char. V.Tij this extraordinary bafte, roaoara ? 

L* Gravu 



THK CARELESS HUSBANft. ^r 
L, Cr/rv. In (hort, Sir Charles," I ftnvc takt-n a 
great many tilings from you of late, that you know 1* 
ha\c often told you I would pofitivclylicar iO longer." 
— Bat 1 fee things arc in vain, and the more people 
ftrive to oblige people, the lefs they are thank'd for'r : ' 
And fincc there r\y\i\ be an end of end's rid'rulout- 
nefs one time or other, I don't fee any time fn pope r,". 
a^ (he prefcnt. and therefore, fir, I defi re you'd iliink. 

of things accordingly -.your fcrvant 

[(rciff^, hef:f(fshtr: 
S-r Char. Nay, madam, let's ft art fair however; 
vo'i ought at loait to ftay 'till Vm as ready as yoiif " 

iiidyll.ip : aad 'Jien it we muft p?.rt - 

Adieu ye filent grots and Ihady groves ; ^ * 
Ye Mt amufemonts of o'lr growing loves ! 
Adieu ye whifper'd lighs that fann'd the fire. 
And all the thrilling; joys of vomv^ defi re. 

L Grm.\ O miglity well, fir: I am very gUdwc. 
are at lall come to a right underftanding, the only wa}' 
1 ha\e long wifhcd for ; not but Td have you to know,» 
1 fee your defign thro' all your painted cafe of re-' 
fi'gnation : I know you'd give your foul to make me 
uTicafy now. 

Sir Char, O fye ! madam', upon my word, I would 
not make you uneafy, if it were in my power. 

/.. Gia-u, O dear fir, you need not take fuch care, 
upon my word I you'll find I can part with you without 

tfte ieaft diforder I'll try at leaft, and fo once more, 

and for ever, fir, your fervant : not but you mufl give? 
me leave to tell you, as my laft thought of you too, that 
I do think — you are a villain. \^xit hafiih. 

Sir Char. O your very humble fervant, madam — " 

[Boiving lov\ 
What a charming quality is a woman's pride, that's 
flrong enough to refufe a man her favour's, when he's 
weary of 'em — Ah ! ^ [Lady Graveairs returm, 

L* Gra'v. Look you, Sir Charles — don't prefume 
upon the ealinefs of my temper . for to convince you 
that I am pofitively in earneft in this matter, 1 defirc 
you would let me have what letters you have had of 
cuine.fnce you came to Windfor, and I expeft you'll 
B 4 rettuui 



3s 'T«:E:CAREJ.E8$ift/8 8i4WD- 

^etui!ii.tiicrcft» as Iwiilyours^ M-fbotf as-we ct»n( to 
London.. ■.;■■-..■ ;•.= ^ '•/■ ■ 

"SirCbar. Ijfwn iwy feitji, madam, I neyct kec^ 
anjT:; . lalsni^s-purfnixS' in '^rri'-^ttd-fc* ttej'w^ai btrt. 

Xi^ Gir^ifM Srr Qfaaries, I muft bAVff^Jrtii, ■ror'pofitivc- 
J3^I wontftir.vithout'^em. ^, ; 
'-.VSii- CA^yr. Ha I: then I rauft be ciyil. I fee. \A^e. 
Pcrliaps, madam^ I have no mind to part with mem — 
oryou. 

. L. Gran). Loek yoo, fir, all thofc fort of things arc 

in vain, now there's an end of every thing beiwecii 

us«.«^If you (ay you won't give 'em, I -muft e'en get 

'em^ as. w«ll aB i can. , . . ' , '. 

' Sir Char. Hal that won't do then 1 find. * [AfiJe. 

L. Gra<v. Who's there ? Mrs. Edging — Your kecp- 
mg a letter, fir, won't keep me, 1*11 aftuit ybo. 

JSiS7/^r£dging. 
^vEdg^ Did your lady (hip call me, madam. 

L, Gnrv, Ay, child, pi ay do me the favour to fetch 
my fctff oo t of the dining-room. 

Edg^ Yes, madam -^ — Ha ! ihe Idoks as if mf 
mafter hadquarreird with her ;'l hopfcihe's going away, 
in a huff— — Ihe (hant flay for her (carf, 1 warrant licr 
-*— This is pure. [4fide» Exit/milin^^ 

L, Gra*v, Pray, Sir Charles^ before I go, give mc 
leave now, after all, to alk you — —why you have 
ufed mc thw ? 

Sir Char. What is it you call ufage, madam ! 

L.-Gra-v, Why then, fince you will have it; how 
corocfi: it yob -have been fo groisly carelefs and neg- 
l€6Uiiliof'fne of late ? only tell me ferioully wherein 
IiuiFe:dderved this. 

tf/r Char. Why then, ferioufly, madam— 
Rt^enter Edging n3i>ith *a Scarf. 
We arc interrupted—-' — 

Edg. Here's your ladyihip's fcarf, madam. 

Z. Granf, Thank you, Mrs. Edging;. O law I 

pray will you let fomebody c^et me a chair to the door. 

£zi^, . Humh i (be might have told me that before, 
if (he had been in fuch hafte;.CO go-i— ' [Exif, 

L. GuaXf, Now, fir. 

Sir Char. Thenlcrioufh', I fay, I am of late grown 
fo very la/y in my pleafures, that I had irather lofe a* 

.\ woman 



having, or keeping her ; and to be free, I haveicmnA 
iAj^udb «ven in my acquaintance :-wkii voir>.)whom 
r^«9PP|<^4;a W» iBiftfefa in .tftK.ilift^ftafinfa:«:Ckai 
I aa^if!^ J»en((»(^ I^AlW ii<»^pkaflue 

that arifes above die degree, of '^iiiiKeindhlM^<»^and 
that woman ihat expedb I (hoitldttake her- inf bafi- 
nefff .wl\)^r-r— tike my bnfineft^ is cbm in a £ur wa^ 
of being forgot : — When once (he conies to repvoacb 
i^e with VQws^ and ukgt, and jhiff«-««*«-»I liadtas lief 
1^; her calk of, bills, bonds* and .d^oSnenta:- her 
pajQqn becpmet a^ troubiefome aa»|i >jaMi4mtJ «iid I 
would as foon converfe with my (Mioitac)4r>-^aih(iit, 
I SMI ne\er ^are ^-^penoe/foranin wttian.thatwoti't 

b!$.Q^icn^: — P-, .:,■ .■.,.!; «*oriW -.rs^-^-^ ... 

7.. Cr^iv, 1% (wear, fcr,.ypa baveaiiiei^jlfefer^^ 
of treating people ; I amghlA I Mi fo well acquainted 
with your pnj»ci|^s lK>wQvc^-<4«p4ldd jfiiu'd' nav^ 
obefiient? ■ -^ ■ ;,;;-•» i i: •', .•; 

' Sir Cba. Why not ? v^ vViik\%. .ft^ '4iiid I .ithUc; . fli» 
h|Ajasimj^h,Me|eficii tpfM proud «ij)rgMf bd)rfbif*ft\ 
X (f^^^^^v 1^4 : is itlier^)iHM (Ska 

.^^iV.r- . V-. •' - - iB/r//r Edging. ■ ' f - - 

5^4^»rxHcie'i a chair, madiitn. :^<^ 1 

*>U Qfov. '^Tis very well, Mr«u Edg?«g : ,pray wffl* 
yov let fomebody get me a glafs of fair waiCTi! 

Edg. Humh^ )mr 'hjaff9> 9imp^ ovec;^ 1 fuffkrfe^I 
f^^^hp's a villain ftSaU/.. : , i 7/ .-.. '{£41^/. 

. XfO^av. W^ I vh^t v^f s ihe :pjref tiflft ^fiuicf abouts^ 
o))e4fefice fure. that, .^v^rjwadi Certainly aurwomkritof! 
condition >muil be inBnirely happy under tlie^dironkbi 
of fogen^ous a lover! i^Bkit.h^ canic yoa !td i<ir« 
get Wking and js^ipiping all. this whilei methinka 
yqu IhouldtTorHave left fo faihioaable m aftselk out dP 
your fchexn^of government* -/i \ ', 

f/r C^ U4}i 1 No/ there ii too mmli troabieJii 
tha;tr; .thou^ I. have, kirawn 'em of; tdminMe tidlev 
in die reformation of fome hunriourrome gentlelMoin^ 

JUGranj, But one thing more and f lia«e ^donef^i 
Fray what degree of ^irit mud the laihr have> chatta 
«9i m4^ hcrfelf b^ppy under t^ muGhneedotm^ oader 
and,t£|iqi|ility 1 ■ . ■i-.: . •^; ■-. .) [.A /!--: ':■•. 

^ur'.^.Ju B 5 Sir'Chm* 



34. TH^ CARELESS HUSBAND^- 

StrCliur, OI ^ mull At le^l have ip tnofrh/pirir 
as .your ladylhip, or ibe'd givp xne no pleafnrc kn 
bre^kingit. . 

L.'Gra%\ If 05 that wouW be troublcfooacr— »-r- Ypu 
had'bctter take doi;, that's broken to yoar hand»— ^-*<' 
ther.e are fuch (quIs to be hired I l)elic^;JL fancy, 
at M, that will be the bed method for the lazy paffion 
of a married man» that has ootlivcd his any other fenfe 
of gratlhcation. 

Sir Char. Look you, madam,«*— — I have loved you 
very well a great while ; now you would have roc love 
you better and longer, which is not in my power to 
do; and I dont thmk there's a plague upon earth 
like a dun that comes for more money tnan oa^'a 
ever likely to l)e able to pay. 

X. Gran;, A v'bn ! do you take me for a dun, fir ? 

do I come a dunning to you ? [Walks in ahtaU 

Sir Char. Hift 1 don't expofe yourfelf —— here's 

company 

i. Gra^v. I care not — a dun ! You (hall fee, fir, 
I can revenge an affront, though I defpife the wretch 

that oflfers it A dun 1 O ! 1 (could die with laugh- 

ing at the fancy. ^ ^ [^^ih 

Sir Char. So ! (he's in admirable order — —Here 
comes my lord, and I\n afraid in the very nick of 
his occaiionfor her. 

Enter Lord Morelove. 
L.Mor^ O Charles! Undone again! all's lofland 
ruin'd. 

Sir'Char. What's the matter now ? 
..i. Mer. I have been playing the fool yonder even 
to contempt; my fenfelefs jcaloufy has confefs'd a 

we^knefs I (hall never forgive myfelf She has in- 

fulted on it to that degree too 1 cant bear the 

thought O Charles this devil ftill is miftrefe of 

my heart, and I could da(h my brains to think how 
grpfly too I have let her know it. 

Sir Char, Ah 1 how it would tickle her if (he faw 
you in this condition : Ha! ha! ha ! 

L.MGr. Pr'ythee don't torture inc: think of fome 

prcfent eafc, or I (hall burft 

Sir Chan Well, well, let's hear, pray ——what hat 
(he done to you ? Hal hal . 



THE CARELESS HUSBANtti' jf 

L, Mar, Why crer fincc I IcfV you, ftic ttritcd fnc 
with fo much coolrefb ahd ill-natnrc, and that tiling 
of a lord wiih fo much laughing cafe, fuch an ac- 
tjuainted, fuch a fpiteful fannilianty, that ar thxi \z± 
ihe fa w and triumph 'd in my uncafincfs. ' 

Sir Char. Well ! and fo you left the room in a pet ? 
ha! 

L, Mor, OworfcZ-worfeftill! for at M, with half 
fhame and anger in my looks, I thrull myfdf bccwcca 
my lord and hrr, prefs'd her by the hand, and in a 
whifpcr trembling oeeg'd her in pity of hcrfelf and 
me to (hev\* her good-humour only where ihe knew ic 
was truly valued ; at which (he broke from me with a 
cold fmile, far her down by the peer, whif|:er*d him," 
and burft into a loud laui;hter in my face. 

67r C/far, Ha ! ha ! then would I have given fifty 
pound to have fcen your face : Why, what in the 
name of common fcnfe, had }'ou to do with humili- 
ty ? Will you n«ver have enough on't ? Death ! 'twas 
fetting a lighted match to gunpowder to blow yoUr-l 
felf up. ; 

X. Mcr, I fee my folly now, Charles — but what' 
fball I do with the remains of life that Ihe has kit 
me ? 

• Sir Char. O throw it at her feet by all means, put 
on your tragedy face, catch fail hold of her petticoat, 
whip out your handkerchief, and in point blank verfe, 
defire her one way or other, to make an end of the 
bolinefs. [Lt a ^uhifjijtg tontm 

L. Mor. \Miat a fool doft thou make me ? 

Sir Char. I only fhew you, as you came out of her 
hands, my lord. 

L. Mor. How contemptibly have I behave. I rayfelf ? 

Sir Char. That's according as you bear her beha- 
Tiour. 

'L.Mor. Bear it! no: I thank you, Charle s 

thou haft wak'd me now; and if 1 bear it Whak 

have you done with my Lady Graveairs ? 

Sir Char. Your bofmefs, I believe — r- She's ready 
Ibr you, (he's juft gone down ftairs, SHd if volt don't 
make hafte after her, 1 expeft her back agaid with' k 
knife or a piftol, prefently, ..' 

/., Mor^ rU go ihii minute. '" ' 

B 6 Sir Char. 



S^ T.HB CARELESS HUSB A^'IX 

..SirCk^r^ Nc» ilay a little, here comes my lonl. 
We'll fee IV hat we can get out oi* him firfl. 
\ £tf/f i: JLoffd FuppiiifitoiL 

I. Fojf. Nay, pr') thee. Sir Cnarks, let's hayei a 
litde ol tbec-— We liave been fo chagrin without 
tkee, that, ftop my breath, tLe ladies are gone half 
aikep to churcn for want of thy company. 

Sir Cbgir, That's hard indeed, while your lordHiip 
was among 'em : Is Lsdy Betty gone too ? 

L. Fop. She was jull opon the wing — -^But I 
caught her by the fnuff-bux, and ihe pretends to Aay 
to fee if 111 giTC it her a^ain, or no. 
' I. Mwr^ I^thi 'tis ti^t I gave her, and the only 
prefent (he ever would receive from me — Alk him 
.DOW he came by it ? [4/^^'' ^^ ^^^ Charts. 

: Sir Cba. Pr'ytbcc don't be uneafy — - Did (he 
^reit yoQ, my lord ? 

X. Ftp. Faith, Charles, I can't fay (he did, or (he 
did not, but wc were playing the fool, and I took it 

— tf la Pfhah I 1 can't tell thee in French neither^ 

bot Horace touches it to a nicety 'twas Pigxut 

direfium audi ptrtinmcu 

L. Mor, So 1 but I muft bear it If your lord- 

fhip has a mind to the box, I'll (land by you in the 
keeping of it. 

• Z. fV>/. My lord, I'm pairionate!y oblig'd to you, 
but I am afraid I cannot anfwer your hazarding fo 
much of the lady's favour, 

i. Mor. Not at all, my lord : 'tis poflible I m?.y not 
have the fame regard to her frown that your lordihip 
has. 

L* Fop. That's a bite, I'm fure -^ he'd give a 
ioint of his little finger to be as well with her as I 
am. [4fiii:.'\ But here (he comes ! Charles, ftand by 

me Muft not a man be a vain coxcomb now, to 

think this creature follow'd one ? 

Sir Char, Nothing fo plain, my lord. 
' I. Fop. nattering devil 1 

Eitter Lady Bettf . 

!• Bet. Ffiiidi! ray Lord Fopptngton! Pr'ytheo 
don't play the fool now, but give me my fnu&box 
, •— *-Sir Charles, help me to take it fxom him. 

Sir Char. You know I kute tiouble^ madam. 

L. Bet 



THE CARELESS HUSfeA'lWD. 57 

L. Bet. Pooh 1 You'll .make me iby till pia/ers arc 
half over now. . ." , ' 

j^. Fop. If youllpromife me iM>t t^ go to churchy 
rU-give it to you. • 

X. Bet, I'll promifc nothing at all, for pofitivelyl 
will hayc it. [^f^^f^^^i ^^^^ ^"^ 

L. Fob, Then comparatively 1 won't part with it# 
ha ! ha ! / [SuMggles tuitb her* 

L. Bet, O you devil ! you have kiH'd my arm I Oh i 
Well — if you will let me hnvc it, I'M gu'cyou a better. 

L. Mor, O Charles! that has a view of diftaat 
kindnpfs in it. [^^ fo Sif Charles* 

/.. F$/>. Nay, now I'll keep it fupcrlitively — ^aI find 
there's a fecrct value in it^ . * ^ 

L. Bet. O difrtial ! upon my word, I am only ^fhnmod . 
to give it you. Do you think I would offer fuch an 
odious fancied thing to any body I had the leaft va# 
lue for ? . 

Str Char. Now it comes a little nearer, methinks 
it docs not feem to beany kindnds at all. [To L. Mor. 

L. Fop. Why, rcallv, madam, upon fecond view, 
it has not extremely the mode of a lady's utcnfil : aro 
jiou fure it never held any thing but fnuflf 1 
: /.. Bet. O .! you monfter ! 

/•. Fop,, Nay, 1 only alk, becaufe it feems to me 
to have very much the air and fancy of Monfieuf 
Smoakandfot's tobagco-box. 

L. Mor. I can hear no more. 
* Sir Chhr. Why don't then ; I'll flep into the com- 
jjajoy, and ret-urn to your relief immediately. [BxU^ 

L. Mar. [To L. Ber.] Come, madam, will your Jai 

dyihip giAc me lea^e to -end the difference ^iJncc 

the flightneis of the thing may let you beflow it with* 
out any mark of favour, (hall I beg it of your lady* 
ihipi . 

L, Bet, O my lord, no body fooncj— — I beg you 
give it my lord. . 

[Looking €anieftly on L. Fop. n»ho ftmling gvDei ii to 

L. Mor. and then hova gravely ts her.^ 

. t*Mfr. Only itQ have the honour of 'ireftoring it to 

your lofdihip; and if there be- any' other .trifle of 

lidos t yottf loisdihip has a &ncy to, dio.* It were a 

' ^ ' . -.. 4tifttcft 



3l THE CARELESS HITSBXNI>; 

xniftreG^ 1 don't know any perfon m die wodd who 
has fo good a claim to my refignation. 

L. Fop, O my lord this generoiity will di(hsi6t me. 

L. Mon My lord, I do you but common jofHod: 
but from your conversation, I had nerer knoUrn the 
true valn^ of the iex. You pofitively onderftand 'esn 
the heft of any man breathing, iherefore I tlihik every 
one of common prudence ought to refign to you. 

£. F«p, Then pofitively your lorafhip's the moft 
obliging perfon in the world, for I'm fure your judg- 
ment can never like any woman that is not the fineft 
cirature in the univerfe. [Boaving to L. Betty. - 

•£• Mcr, O ! yoorlordihip does me too much honour, 
I have die worft judgment in the world, no man hss 
been more deceived in it. 

L» Fop. Then your lordlhip, I prefume, has been apt 
toxhoofe in a mafk, or by candle-light. 

Z. Mor, In a maflc indeed, my lord, and of all 
niaflcs the moi^ dangerous. 

£. Fop, Pray what's that, my lord ? 

L» Mar* A bare face. 

L, Fop. Your lordihip will pardon me, if I don't fo 
really comprehend how a woman's bare face can hide 
her face. 

L, Mor. It often hides her heart, my lord, and there- 
fore I think it fomctimcs a more dangerous maflc than 
a piece of velvet : that's rather a mark than a dif- 
guifc of an ill wiiman : but the mifchiefs ikulking be- 
hind a beauteous form, give no warning; they arc 
ahvays fure, fatal, and innumerable. 

L, Bet. O barbarous afpcrfion ! my Lord Fopping- 
ton, have j-ou nothing to fay for the poor women ? 

L. Fop. I muft confcfs, madam, nothing of this na- 
ture ever happen'd in my courfe of amours : I ahvays 
judge the beauteous form of a woman to be the moft 
agreeable part of her compofition, and when 6nce a 
l^y does me the honour to tofs that into my arms, I 
think my ff If obliged in good-nature, not to Quarrel 
about the reft of her equipage. 

Z», Beu Why ay, my lord, there's fome good*hQ« 
nour in that now. 

Z« Mori He's happy- in a plain, Englilk ftoniathy 
inadara. I could recomoKDd a diih tSat*5 pecfeAl/ 

to 



TMI5 C ARILESS HUSRAND. 5#, 

to your lordlbip'itafte, where beautv is ihc only faiicc 
10 ir. ' . ? 

L. BtK So! 

h.Fop. Mv lord, when my zinc's right, I ticvtr 
care it fliould be zeftcd. 

//. Mor, 1 know fomc ladies would thank -you for ' 
that opinion. 

Z. Bet, My Lord Mordove's really jrow^n fuch a 
churl to the women, I don't only think fe is not, but 
can't conceive how he ever could be in love. 

i. Miir, Upon my word, madam, I once thoaght I 
was, [Smi/ht^. 

L. Bft, Fy ! (y ! how could you think fo ? I fancy 
noAV you had only a mind to domineer over fomc poor 
creature, and fo you thought you were in Iotc ; ha I 
ha I 

L. Mor, The lady I loved, madam, prew fo unfor- 
tunate in lier condud, that (he at laft Drought mc to 
treat her with the fame indifference and civility as I 
now pay your ladylhip. 

L. Bet, And ten t9 one, jnft at that tinic fhe never 
thought you fuch tolerable company, 

L. Mor, lliat I can't fay, madam, for at that time 

file grew fo afFeded, there was no judging of her 

thoughts at all. [Mbnickuig her. 

L* Bet. What, and fo you left the poor lady I O 

you inconftant creature. 

L, M^n No, madam, to have loved her on had been 

inconftancy ; for (he was never two hours together the 

(ame woman. fL. Bet. ^W L. Mor. /eem to tali* 

Z, Fofi. [AJide,'] Ha ! ha ! ha ! I fee he has a mind 

to abufeher; fo I'll e*cn give him an opportunity of 

doing his bufinefs with her at once for ever ^My 

lord, I perceive your lordfhip's going to be good com- 
pany to the lady, and for ner fake I don't tlunk it 
good manners in me to difturb you. 
Enter Sir Charles. 
Sir Char. My Lord Foppin^ton ! 
L* Fop, O Charles I was juSr^wanting thee^-Hark 
thee — ^I have three thoufand fecrets for thec^— -I 
have made fuch difcoveries! to tell thee all in oo^ 
word->-*^-Morelove'8 as jealoas of me at the de^'; 
kdiJ.heb! hcKI 
5: ^/> Cbar^ 



40 T^E CARELESS HyS3;V^^' 
Sir Cban Is't poiEl)le ? iu^ ihe ^vea.^Iiifi aof oc- 

ca/ion ? .^ ■)•/'■' 

\L* Fvp. Onlv rallied liirn to deatl^ uipoti oijr^a^r. 

count i ^ told jfK wiffaisv 1^9- now,, fiie'4. U^Ie -hisu . 

like a dog, and^ggld fo^ to dra^'.(^for.>Q 0|>pQir-^., 

5/r Ci&tf r. O ! kc^ ih while tbe icent lies^ and (he*$ 
fairly unharboar'd, ancT when once I throw off my in* . 
clinacions, I ufu^ll/ follow ^em 'till tbe game has ^ 
enough on't ; and l)etween thee and. I (he's pretty- well. 
blo>f n too, D;ie cant &and long, I believe ; lbr» cuHe 
cati^ii <nej if I. have not rid down half a thoufaud . 
poB^d after her sAready. . 

-Sir CWv^hat do you mean. ? ., . ' 

r/,, F^ 1 have loft five hundred -to her at pfquet . 
Rnxre dinner. ^ 

Sir Char. You arc a fortunate man, faith ; you are 
rcfolved not to be thrown out, I fcc- 

L. Fop. Fiang it 1 What (iMuld a man come out iot, 
if iie does not l^eep up the fport ? 

iVr-CW. ;WeU:pufti'd, ^y Jord.. . ; ,, . 

L, Fop, Tayo'f tave at her .!. . * .. . 

Sir Char. Dawn I down! my lord !ah— r^Varc 

liaunches. 

L. Fop. Ah! Charles [£/ffir/7c/;/^^';w J Pr*y thee let's 
obfervc a little, there's a fboliih .cur, now I have run 
lier to a iland, has a mind to be at her by himielf, and. . 
tli^y fnalt fee ihe won't flir out of her way for him, 
*.ii . . . \Tbeyfiaitjiafidc^ 

£. l.lw. Ha! ha! Your ladylhij^'s very graic of a 
fuddeo, you look as if your. lo\cr had iniolently icco- 
vtyi!d bU common fcnfcs, 

i^^ B^U And your lordfliip is fg \^ ^ay, and unlike 
yourfelf, one would fwear you were juft cone from 
th^pkafure of making your miftrefs afraid of yoo. 

l»,.Mw. No, .faith^ quite contrary for do you . 

know, madam, I have juil found out, that upon your 
account I have made myfelf one of thc^molt ridicu- 
lous puppies upon thJ^face of the earth*— ^I have 

upon my faith ! naj- and fo extravagantly fuch 

ha ! ha ! ha ! that it's at lail become a jcft even 

to myfelf 2 aad I can't help laughing at It for the foiU 
of me), ba I hat ^2^1 ; . •;. 



ThK CALEtESS HliSb AND/ 41 • 

Z. Bef. I want to core him of that laugh now, 
[-^<^.] My lord, fmce you are fo generous. Til tell 
fon' another ferret: do yoa know too, that T ftill 
fine! (fpite of all your great wifdom, and my contemp- 
tible <]ualities, as you are pleafed now and then- to 
call them:) do you know, I. fay, that I fee under all 
this, you ftill love me with At fame helplefs paflion ; 
arid can your vaft forcfight imagine I won't ufe you 
accordingly, for thefe extraordinary airs you are 
pheafed to give yourfelf ? 

Z. Mor, O by all means, madam, 'tis fit you (hould^ 
and f cxpcdl it, whenever it is in your power — Confrt- 
fioni [Afidi^ 

L. Bet. My lord, you have talk'd to me this half 
hour, without confefling pain. [Paufis and affeaiH 
gnpej\ . Only reraemlxir it. 

Z, Mor, Hell and tortures \ 

Z. Bet, What did you fav, my Lord ? 

Z, Mor, Fire and furies ! 

Z. Bet. Ha ! ha I he's diforder'd--Now I am ca(jr 
— My Lord Foppington, have yoo a mind to your rc^ 
vcn^ at piquet ? 

L. F§p. I have always a mind to an opportunity of 
entertaining your ladylhip, madam. 

[L. Bet. coquets nvith L. Fop. 

X. Morn O Charles the infolencc of this wo* 

9ian miKht furnifh out a thoufand devils. 

Sir Q^ar, And ygur temper is enough to fumUh 
out a thoufand fuch women — Come away — I have 
bufincfs for you upon the terrace. 

Z. Mor, Let me but fpeak one word to her—— 

Sir Char. Not a fyllable — the tofcgue's a weapon 
you'll always {uive the worft at : For I fee you have no 
guard, and fhe carries a devilifh edge. 

Z. Bet. My lord, don't let any thing Tve (kid 
frighten vou away ; for if you have the kaft inclina- 
tion to ftay and rail, you know the old conditions 1 
'tis bat your aflrfng me pardon next day, and you may 
give your paflion any lioerty you think ^t. 

Z. M^r, Da'gjfers and death ! 

^/> Char, Is tne mau diftrafted ? 

L Mor, Let me fpeak to her now, or I fliall butft— 

Sar char. Upon condition you'll fpeak no more of 
kef to mc, my lord, do as you i>]eafe> 



4f. THE C AREL P? S HOS*A*fO: 

Z. Jll^r. Pr'ythee pardc^n me-^ know' not- what t9 
do. • 

Sir Char. Connc alone — T!! ftjt yoa to woik I-w»r- 
ranc you— Nay, iiar, iiorjc of yoar parting oglefr-* 
^H yon go ? ' 

'LI Mor. Ves and I hope for ever— 

[Exit Sir Ch:jr. pHllitg anuay L- Mor. 

i. Fop. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Did ever mortal monftcr fet 
■p for a lover with fuch unfortunate qualifications ? 

- L. B^rr. Indeed, my Lord Morelove has fbmeihing 
ftrangely fmgular in his manner. 

L. Fop, 1 thought I (hould have burft? to fee tho 
creatore pretend to rally, and give himfelf the a-lrs of 

one of Us but, run me through, madam, your 

kKiy(hip pufh'd like a fencing mafter; that lad thrult 
was a coup de grace, 1 believo— — Fm afraid his ho- 
nour will hardly meet your ladyihip in haile again. 

L. Bet. Not nnlefs his fecond. Sir Charles, keeps 

him better in praftife, perhaps ^Well, the hbmour 

of this creatarc has done me fignal fervicc to-day, I 
iDoft keep it up for fear of a fecond engagement. {Afidt. ' 

£. Fop, Never was poor wit fo foild at his owo 
weapon fure. 

t. Bet. Wit ? Had he ever any pretence to it ? 

L, Fob. Ha ! ha ! he ha» not much \n love, 1 
think, tnough he wears the reputation of a very pret- 
ty young fellow, among fomc fort of people ; but, 
ftrike me llupid, if ever I could difcover common 
icnfe in all the jrogrefs of his amours : he cxpe^ a 
woman (hould like him for endeavouring to convince 
her, that (he has not one good quality belonging la 
the whole compofition of her foul and body, 

L^ Bet, That, I fuppofe, was only in a modeft hope, 
that (he'll mend her faults, to qualify herfclf for his 
vaft merit, ha I ha ! 

L. Fop. Ptx)r Morelove, I fee (he can't endue 
him. [yffidi\ 

L. Bet, Or if one really had all thofe faults, he 
does not confider, that fincerity in love is as much 
out of fafhion as fweet fnuff ? nobody takes h now. 

/,. Fop. O ! no mortal, madam, unlefs it be here 
and there a Squire, that's making his lawful court to 

tie 



THE CARELKSS HUSHAND. 45 

^be cj^rry-chcek charms of my lord biibop's grpat &t 
daughter in the country. 

l^.BfU O what a furfciting €OU4>Ie has he put jBo- 
gcthcr ■■ [T^hrcfWiMg her hand cateLfty upon hm* 

L. Fop, Fond of me, by all that's tender -— ?ocr 
fool, I'll give thee cafe immediately. \Afide.'\^^^t^ 
madam, you were pleafcd juft now to offer me my 
revenge at piquet — Now here's nobady withio, and 
I think we can't make ufc of a better opportunity. 

£. Bet, 01 no : not now, ray lord ! I have a 
favour 1 would fain beg of-you firft. / 

L, Fop. But time, madam, is very precious, io this 
place, and I (hall not eafily forgive myfeif» if I dou't 
take him by ihe fqrelock. 

X. Bet. But I liave a great mind to have a little " 
mor^ fport with my lord Mprelove {^2^^ and would, 
fain beg your affiftance. 

/.. Fep, O ! with all my heart, madam, but hO!»r ^ 
can I fcrvc you in this affair \ 

£. Bit. VVhy methougbt, as my lord MorelQv^ 
went oQ^t ^ Ihew^ a ftern refentment in his looky 
that fee|[Q'd.to threaten roe with rebellion,, and down- 
right defiance : now I have a great fancy that you and . 
I ihould follow him to the terr^ocj and laugh at hit 
refolution before he has time to put it in pra^ice. 

£, Fop. And fo punidi his fault before he comfniti - 
it I ha! hatha! 
- L, Bet. Nay, we won't |ive hira time, if his cod-.j 
rage (hould fail, to repent it, 

L.Fop. Ha! ha! ha! let me blood, if I dpn't.r^ 
long to be at it, ha ! ha ! ^ .i 

Z. Bet, And if at laft his fage mouth (hould open^ ': 
in furly contradiction of our humour, then will we, 
in pure oppofition to his, imraediattly fall foul upon • 
every thing that k not gallant and falhionabl€;.con-./ 
Itancy Ihali be the mark of age and ugHi^efs, virtpe 
a jeft, we'll rally difcretion out of doors, lay gravity. , 
at our feet, aad only love, free love^ diforder, liberty, 
and plcafure, be our (landing principles. 

Z. i^7^. lyladam, you tran(port me,: for if e^ner I.. 
waa. obliged to nature for any one tolerable Qualifier* 
tion, 'tw4? pofitiveiy the talent of being exuberantly , 
, . pleafant 



THE CARELESS HUSSAnB. 




inr togetwr wort t be W propfff. 

' x: Fop^ As yoor £idythip plea(cs, ma^m — -*-Bui[ 
when th^ affair is'dvcf, you* w«n*t forget that I'vci 
certain rercngc due. . ' ' ' 

'L, Bet. Ay \ ay ! after fupper I ad for you — ^Nay 

you (htn^t ftir a ftcp, my lord -^ — — \ 

.. [Seeittp'^'erio' the door, 

^'X. fop. Only to tell yot, yoa bave'fixt ine yours. 
to the. laft exiftence of my foul's eternal entity "" ■ " ' ■ » 
'^^i/4^/.. O, your fervant, 

^ '^I. Pop. Ha! fca! ftark ma<f For me,'by":ili that's 
hjg»dfom6! Poor Mordove! That a fellow who has' 
eitT been abroad, Ihould think a wopaan of her fptric 
is to be taken as the confederates dd towxis, by a re-' 
gular ficge, lil ice if I can fhew him a little French 

pUv, with ,lady Betty let me fee— I'll make ^n %iyi 

of It the old way, get her into piquet at her own lodg- 
ings — not mind oncdttle of my play, give her every 
^me before (he's half up, that (he may judge tKc 
ftrength of my inclination, by my hirfCc of lofiiig 
up to her price ; then of a fudden, with a familiar leer^ 
cry -Rat piquet — fweep counters, cards, and mo- 
ney, all upon the floor, ^ do nc^C affaire eft faite, [£x//, 

A C T IV, SCENE, tie Cafttc Terrace. 

Enter Lady Betty and Lzdy Eafy. 

/• Eajfjf, \/l Y dear, yon really talk to me as if I 
LVl were your lover, and not your friend ; 
or elfe I am fo dull, that by all )^u've faid I can't 
make the Ifeaft gucfs' at your real- thoughts— Can 
you be feriousfbr a moment ? 

• Z,. Bet. Noteafily; but I would da more tooblige 
you. ■■■'"" ■*''■• 

L.Eafy, Then'pray d<ial infgeriuoufly,* and t^ll mc 
without referve^ are Jiii fufc* you ddn-t love my lord* 
Morclovc? -^ : '^: ' » ^ ■ • • r '. i 

^y- L. Bet. 



J^'Mi; CARELESS HUSBAND. 4i 

L.Bet. Then fcrioufl^ 1 (hink xfO% But be- 

ca^ifc, I .won't be pofitivc, you ftalljudgc by the 
wortt'ftf niv fymptpmft-— —-Firil,.! own I like bis cpn- 
verfa'tTon, his peifon ha^ i^either faiult npr bcftuty-— 
yf€iX enough — I. don't., rejncmbcr I ever f^crctly 
wijh'd m)Telf married to him, or-f-4tbat I cvex,fe- 
xioufiy refolv'd againft it. 

JL Eafy. Well, fo far you are tolcrablv fafe ■ ' ■■ 

But come as to his manner of adorelfiAg you, 

what effe^ has that had ? 

L, Bet, I am not a little pleafed to obierve, few 
men follow a woman with the fame fatigue and fpirit* 

that he does me am more pleafed when he \^ 

me ufe liim ill ; and if ever 1 have a favourable thought 
of him, 'tis when I fee he can't bear that ufage. 

I. Eajy, Have a care, that lad is a dangeroni 
^•mptom— — he pleafes your pride, I find. 

Z. Bet, Qh ! perfedly : in tha 1 own no mor- 

3 him. 

my dear ! now comet the mayi 
yon fure. you have never been 
tj&ucli'ifvvitb ii ? T,ell me that witli a faje confciencd, 
anrd t|it^.l'U prtjiioiince you clear, 
^^^X^R(h ^ ^ay » then I defy him ; for pofitively I was 
l*i\3r^^lcus in my life. 

'' £. I'^- Hov^s madam, hare you never been ftirr'd" 
fAough, to think a woxan flrangely forward for bc- 
iag a little familiar in talk with bim I Or are you 
furc his gallantry to another, never gave you the leaft 
diforderr were you he>er, upon no accident, in an 
apprchenfion of lofing him ? 

L. Bet. Hah! Why, madam— Blcfs "me!— wh— 
wh— why fure you don't xajl this jealoufy, my dear ? 

Z.. Eajj. Nay, nay, tliis is not the bufiBcfs— Have 
you ever felt any thing of this nature, madam I 

L, Bet. Lord I don't be fo hafty, my dear— any 

thing of this nature O Lud I I fwear I dcm't like 

it : dear creature, bring me oJQrhere» for I am lialf 
frighted out of my wits. 

L. Eiijy. . Nay, if you can't rally upon 't, your 
wound 1% not over deep, I am afraid. 

i, Beu Well, that's comfortably faid howcver- 

L. Ecjjf. 



Z-. net, yn : periectiy 

Ul ever tan come up to 1 

^''^* En^\ But now, m; 

polht— jtcil oil fy ? Are yc 



•46 ThE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

L* EaJ^. But come to the point-; — ^how fer.iavc 
ynu been jealous > 

t. Bet. Why — O blcfs me \ he gate the mufic one 
night to my lady Languilh here upon the terrace: 
and (tho* Ihc and I v/ere very good friends) I redocm- 
ber 1 could not fpcak to her in a week for't— Oh ! 

L. Enjj, Nay, now "you may laugh, if you can; 
for, take ray word, the marks are u^X)n you — -—But 
come — what elfe ? 

L. Bet, O nothing elfe, upon my.word, my dear, 
- L, Eajy. Vv'ell, one v/ord more, and then I give 
fcntence; fuppofe vcu were heartily convinced that 
he aftually followed another woman ? 

L. Bet. But j^ray, my dear, what occafion is thepe 
to fuppofe any fuch thing at all ? 
/.. JRafj. Guilty, upon my honour. 
I. Btt, Plhah ! I dtiy him to fay, that ever I 
■own'd any inclination for him. 

L. EaJy. No, but you have givien him terrible leave 
to guefs it. 

Z. Bet. If ever you fee us meet again, you*ll have 
but little reafon to think fo I can affure you. 

L, Eafy. That I (hall fee prefently ; for here conies 
Sir Charles, and 1 am fare my lord can't be far off. 
Enter Sir Charles. 

Sir Char, Servant, lady Betty My dear, how 

do you do ? 

Z. Enfy. At your fervice, my dear but pray 

what ha\ e you done with my lord Morelovc ? 

L. Bet. Ay, Sir Charles, pray how docs your pu- 
pil do ? Have you any hopes of him ? Is he docible? 
Sir Char. [Looking earnefily en her,'\ Thou infolent 
creature ! bow can you make a jeft of a man, whofe 
whole life's but one continued torment from your 
want of common gratitude ? 

L. Bet. Torment ! for my part* I really believe 
him as eafy as you arc. 

Sir Char. Poor intolerable affectation ! You knovii; 
the contrary, you know him blindly yours ; y6u know 
your power, and the whole pleafure of your life's th« 
poor and low abufe of it. You drive him to extremes 
that make him road, then panifh him for aflifig asainft 
bi&ieafba: butlliareno regard to men in m&dnefs, 

I ratkor 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 47 
I rather choofe for once to truft iu your good-nature, 
in hopes the man, whom your unwary beauty had 
made miferable* your generoHty would icorn to make 

ridiculous. 

L* Bet. Sir Charles, you charge me very home : I 
never had it in my inclination to make any tiling ri- 
diculous that did not dcferve it. Pray, what is this 
bufinefs you think fo extravagant in him ? 

Sir Char, Something fo abfurdly ralh and bold, 
you'll hardly forgive even mc that icll it you. 

L, Bet. O fvc! If it be a fault, bir Charles, I Hi all 
confider it as his, not yours. Pray, what is \ti 

Sir Char, This man, I fay, whofe unhappy pa/Con 
has fo ill fucceeded with you, at laft has forfeited all 
his hopes (into which, pardon me, I confefsmy friend- 
ihip has lately flatter'd him) his hopes of even dcferv- 
ing now ycur lowed pity or regard. 

L, Bet, You amaze me— for I can't fuppofe hisut- 
moll malice dares aflault my reputation — and what-^ 

Sir Char. No, but he malicioufly prefumcs the 
woVld will do it for him ; and indeed he has taken no 
unlikely means to make 'em bufy with their tonigucs : 
for he is tliis moment, upon the open terrace, m the 
higheft public gallantry with my Lady Graveairs. 

X. Let, My Lady Graveairs! truly I think my 

Lord's very much in the right on't For my part. 

Sir Charles, I don't fee any thing in this, that's fo 
very ridiculous, nor indeed that ought to make mc 
think either the hotter or v/orfe of him for't. 

Sir Char, Pfhah ! pQiah ! madam, you and I kno\7 
*tis not in his power to renounce you ; this is but the 
poor difguife of a rcfenting pafTion, vainly ruffled to a 
florm, which the leaft gentle look from you can re- 
concile at will, and laugh into a calm again. 

L, Bet, Indeed, Sir Charles, I fhan't give myfclf 
that trouble, I believe. 

Sir Char, So 1 toJd him, madam ; Are not all your 
complaints, faid I, already owing to her pride, and 
can you fuppofe this public defiance of it (which you 
k,ttow you can't make good too.) won't incenfe her 

more againft you ? That's what I'd have, £iid 

lie, darting wildly, I care not what becomes of me, 
fo I but live to fee her piqued at it« 

i. Bet. 



4« THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

t,. Bet* Upoi» ray word, I hncy mr lord will find 
hiaMf miftatai— ^I (hia't be piqotd, I believe— 
I muft iifil hax-e a valoe for the tiling I lofe, be* 
ioit ic (liqiics me. Piqued 1 Ha ! ha J ha ! 

[Df/9rti^r*d. 

Sir Ctmr. Madam, you've faid erery thing 1 urged 
to him»-*-i know htt temper fo well, faid I,, that 
tho' (he doated on >*ou, if you once fti>od out againft 
her, (he*d fooner burft than ikow the kail motion of 
uneafinefs. 

I. A-/. I can alTurc you, Sir Charles, my Lord 
won't And htmfeh* deceived in vour opinion *-Piqoed ! 

&/ CLir. She has it, [J/4/f. 

L. J^Jy* Alas ! i^oor woman i how little do our 
paflioQt make us } 

Lm B€U Not but I would advife him to have a little 
regard to my reputation in this bnfinefs : I would ha\'e 
Ikim take heed of publickly affronting me : Id have 
bim coniider that, ircthinks. 

Sir char. But alas ! madam, he confiders nothino^ 
but a icniclefs proud revenge, which in his fit cw 
lunacy* 'tis impctable that cither thrcau or danger can 
difiuade him f ro . 

£. Met. \yhat ! does he defy me, threaten me ! 
then he (hall iec, tl.at I have pallions too, and koou-, 
as well as he, to l\ir my heart againil any pride that 
dares iniult nic. Dins he furjxjfc I feur him r Fear 
the little n.alicc of a ilighred pa In on, that my own 
fourn l.as ftung into a licfpifed rcfentmcr.t ! Fegr 
him! O 1 it pro\t;Lti» iue to think l.c dare have fuch 
a tlwjught ! 

/.. £'i/j'' rX^ar creature, dont dirorckr yourfclf To. 

£, Jir/, Let mc but li\e to f e him once more 
witliiu my power, and ill forgive the rett of for- 
runc. 

/.. £*{(', ^V ^^^r» I 2m afraid you lave provok*d 
her a liule too far. 

.^/r ilar. Oh! not at all -You C.all ice— lU 
fwoctcn her, and (he*ll cool like a diili of tea. 

£. i:/:. I may fee him with his complaining face 



^wChar. I am ipnry, vnif^aln, vM Jb'-MrMi^' 
ju4ge of what Tvt told you; I- w^U hi ftop^ tb'hkve 
ilir'd your pity, not yourtmger^'I lirtle tWid^eyJwi^ 
g^neroiit^. would punifh him for faults which you 
IVur&lf jwiblv'd he fhould <;(imi»h-'^-^YMtdtir'^he 
comes, and all the worid withkim t 'hitehrl'ildTirc? 
' rat all;^ 



fipu^ madam, you (hould not refenf the thnira 
i^wQuld joocfo much at fby tO'f«e hknf in Hft'laalf ;• 
nay, I'd be the laft that heard of it : nothiiijf'ca«' 
f^ng him more, or fo jufUy punilh hie foRy^ tl j^ur 
utter neglpfl of it, -"'■'■■ ;' '*^ 

\Lk ^ajy. Come, dear creature, be ^rfuildbl, 4xA 
£p hpme ijtfith me; indeed it will (heW mbtt'inclif- 
terence to avoid him, ' 1 '-.Iw:* <o-'.i:i/t 

.,i^i ^eu, No, madaiB;.r I'll obli^ 'hifr^vanttv Tor 
bx)^c^ and ilay to lei him lee hdivfftrangdy he^batf 
p>aued me. . . ' ^hf^itb^her fUi^i 

Sir Char. [JjSde.] O not at.all to •fpbak^bf I^Y^ 
Lid fis ffoo4f part with a.J^ctle of that piidebfyMtrsg. 
Or.Itfh^i yet make it a very troublefome vottipauibw. 
tf^i^ofi. . . J.-. .■ .. ^ ^ -" '.:':'/ 

£«/^r Lord Foppington. ' ^' " = '> 

t 4n ifffV^viadieSf your ferrant. — ^*0 !^ #e hetr^ 

waiftl^ you beyond reparation ■ ■ ftfch Aiverfion. ^ 

\mj(jt. vRf^.. )V^1 1 ni)5 lord ! liave you feen my Lord 

Iffexiplovc, , . ' ' ' 

,/., ^. Scenhimi— — ha! hal ha !-^ -O, I liave= 

fiicji^things to tell you, madam. you'll die— — ' 

\i^^Be/^_0 pray let's hear 'cm, 1 was never in a 
tetter humour to receive them. ^ - . 

^•Fof* ^arkyou. • » \Th^ fuohifftr. ^ 

Enter Lord Morelov e. Lady Graveairs, and 
other Ladks^ 
X. Mor. S(X, (he's engaged already. , . . • ^ > 

v., .. . ^= ^ ' •' • ■'(:^^SirCharicfc;' 

SirChar^ So much the better; make btttajiiftad-' 
v^rtfage of amy ifuccofs, and flie's undorie. ' 

Sir Char. You fee already what ridicttloua paiflil** 
(he's' taking to iHr your jealoufy, and cover her own. 

f;S^jH.!l»!ha! 



|0 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

L, Mor, O, never fear me ; for, upon my word, 
it now appears ridiculous even to me. 

Sir Char. And hark you^ \Whifper5 L. Mor. 

£. Bet, And fo the widow was as fall of airs as his 
lordftiip ? 

Sir Car, Only obferve that, and 'tis impofTiblc 
you can fail. S^Afide. 

L, Mor, Dear Charles, you have convinced me, 
and I thank you. 

L. Grav, My Lord Morelove .'What, do you leave us ? 

L> Mor. Ten thoufand pardons, madam, I was but 
juft 

L. Gran;, Nay, nay, no excufes, my Lord, fo you 
fo you will let us have you again. 

Sir Char. \ A fide /oh. Grav.] I fee you have good- 
humour, madam, when you like your company. 

L. Grav. And you I fee, for all your mighty thirft 
of dominion, could Hoop to be obedient, if one 
thought it worth one*s while to make you fo. 

Sir Char. Ha ! Power would make her an admira- 
ble tyrant. 

L. Eafy, \Ohfem)ing Sir Charles andh. Graveairs.] 
So! there's another couple have quarrell'd too I find — 
Thofe airs to my Lord Morelove, look asifdefign'd 
to recover Sir Charles into jealoufy : I'll endeavour to 
join the company, and it may be, that will let me in- 
to the fecret. \AJtde.'\ My Lord Foppington, I vow 
this is very uncomplaifant, to engrols fo agreeable a 
part of the company to yourfelf. 

Sir Char. Nay, my Lord, this is not fair indeed to 

enter into fecrets among friends ! Ladies, 

what fay you ? I think we ought to declare againft it. 

Ladies, O ! no fecrets, no fecrets. 

L, Bet, Well, ladies, I oueht only to alk your par- 
don : my lord's excufeable, for I wou'd haul him in- 
to a corner. 

L, fop. I fwear 'tis very hard, ho ! I obferve two 
people of extreme condition can no fooner grow par- 
ticular, but the multitude of both fexes are immedi- 
ately up, and think their properties invaded——. — 

iZ. Bet. Odious multitude — 

X. Fop, Perilh the canaille. 

L. Gra'v. O, my lord, we women have all reafott 
to be jealous of Lady Betty Modiflj's power. 

• MoTm 



. THE CARELESS HUSBAND. Ji 

L. Mar. [To Lady Betty.] As tlie men, madam^ 
all have of my Lord Foppneton ; beddcs favourites of 
great merit difcourage diole of an inferior clafs for 
their prince's fervice ; he has already loft you one 
of your retinue, madam, 

/.. BcL Not at all, my lord, he has only made 
room for another : one mull fometime* make vacancies, 
or there could be no preferments. 

L* Fop. Ha! ha! Ladies favours, my lord, like 
places at court, are not always held for life, yon 
know. 

L, Bet, No, indeed ! if they were, the poor fine 
women would be always ufcd like their wives, and 
no more minded then the bufinefs of the nation. 

L. Eajj\ Have a care, madam, an undeferving fa- 
vourite has been the ruin of many a prince's em- 
pire. 

X. Fop. Ha ! ha ! Upon my foul. Lady Betty, we 
muft grow more difcreet ; for pofitively, if we go on 
at this rate, we (hall have the world throtjr ' yoa 
under the fcandal of conftancy; and I Ihall have 
All the fvvords of condition at my throat for a mono- 
polift. . 

t.Mor. 0\ there's no great fear of that, my' 
lord ; tho' the men of fenfe give it over, there will be 
always fome idle fellows vain enough to believe their 
merit may fucceed as well as your lordfliip's. 

Z. Bet. Or if they fhould not, my lord, caft-lovers, 
you know, need not fear being long out of employe 
ment, while there are fo many well-difpofed people in 

the world There are generally neglected wives 

ftale maids, or charitable widows always ready to t6* 

lieve the neceflities of a difappointed paflion and^ 

by the way. Hark you. Sir Charles 

L. Gra'v. [AJide,'\ That wit was thrown at me, T 
fuppofe ; but 111. return it. 

Z. Bet, [Softly to Sir Charles.] Pray how came yon 
all this while to truft your miftrefs fo eafily ? 

Sir Char. One is not fo apt, madam, to fee atom'd 
at the liberties of an old acquaintance, as perhaps 
your Udyftiip ought to be at the rcfentmcnt of an 
wdHufed, honourable lover. 

Q 1 itM 



Sft THE C ARELESS HUSBAND. 

Z. Bff. Suppofe I were alarm*d how does that 
make you eafy ? 

^/> Char, Come, come, be wife at laft ; a thoufand 
bufy tongues are fet upon malicious enquiries into 
your reputation. 

L, Ret. Why, Sir Charles, do you fuppofe, while 
he behaves himfelf as he does, that I won't convince 
him of my indifference. 

^/> Char. But hear me, madam. — — 

£. Cran;, [Afide,] The air of that whifpcr looks as 
if the lady had a mind to be making her peace again ; 
Sir Charles, that is not fair to take a privilege you 
juft now declared aeainft my Lord Foppington. 

Z. Mor. Well obferved, madam. 

Z. Grav, Befide, it looks fo affeded to whifper, 
when every body gueffes the fecret, 

Z. Mor^ Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Z. Bit. O! madam, your pardon in particular: 
but 'tis poflible you may be miftaken : the fecrets of 
people that have any regard to their adions are not fo 
loon guefs'd as theirs that have made a confident of 
the whole town. 

Z. Fop. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Z. Grav. A coquette in her afFe(^ed airs of difdain 
to a revolted lover, I'm afraid, muft exceed your la- 
dylhip in prudence, not to let the world fee at the 
fame time, (he'd give her eyes to make her peace 
with him ; Ha : ha : 

Z. Mor. Ha I ha ! ha ! 

L. Bet, 'Twould be a mortification indeed, if it 
were in the power of a fading widow's charms to pre- 
vent it ; and the man muft be miferably reduced, (ure, 
that could bear to live buried in woollen, or take up 
with the motherly comforts of a fwan-ikin petticoat. 
Ha! ha! 

Z. Fop, Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Z. Gra'v, Widows, it feems, are not fo fqueamifh 
to their intereft ; they know their own minds, and take 
the man they like, tho' it happens to be one that a 
froward vain coquette has difobliged, and is pining to 
be friends with. 

Z. Mor. Nay, tho* it happens to be one, that con- 

feffci 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND ^3 

feflcs he once was fond of a piece of folly, and after- 
wards afham'd on't. 

Z. Beti Nay, my lord, there's no (landing againft 
two of you. 

' L, Fop, No, faith, that's odds at tennis, my lord : 
not but if your ladyfhip pleafes. Til endeavour to 
keep your back-hand a little : though, upon my 
foul, you may fafely fet me up at the line; for 
knock me down, if ever I faw a reft of wit better 

play'd, than that laft, in my life What fay 

you, madam, (hall we engage ? 

L. Bet. As you pleafe, my lord. 

Z. Fop. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Allans I tout de bom jouets^ 
mi lor, 

L, Mor. O pardon me, fir, I (hall never think my- 
felf in any thing a match for the lady, 

Z, Fop, To you, madam. 

L, Bet. That's much, my lord, when the world 
knows you have b^en fo many years teazing me to 
play the fool with you. 

Z. Mor. At that game, I confefs your lady(hip has 
chofen a much properer perfon to improve your hand 
with. 

£. Fop, That's to me, madam— —My lord, I pre- 
fume, whoever the lady thinks fit to play the fool witl^ 
will at leaft be able to give as much envy as the wife 
perfon that had not wit enough to keep well with her 
when he was fo. 

L, Grarv. O ! my lord ! both parties muft needs be 
greatly happy ; for I dare fwear neither will have any 
rivals to difturb 'em. 

L, Mor. Ha ! ha ! 

L. Bet. None that will difturb 'em, I dare fwear* 

Z. if'^?/. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

L, Mor. 7 

Z. Gr/z'v.i Ha! ha! he! 

Z. Bet. \ 

Sir Char. I don't know, gentlefolks but you 

are all in extreme good humour, methinks ? I hope 
there's none of it afteded. 

Z. Eajy,l (hould be loth to anfwer for any bat my 
Lord Foppington. [,4fi4^* 

L. Bet. Mine i« hot, FU fwear. 

c 3 r. M&. 



f4 -THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

L* Mor. Nor mine» I'm fare. 

JL. Grav* Mine's fincere^ dqiend npon't. 

X. Fop, And maj^ the eternal frowns of the whok 
fex <!ajb]7 demme, if mine it not»- 

£. Eafy^ Well, good people, I am mighty glad to 
hear it. You have all performed extremely well : but^ 
if vou pleafe^ you (hall ev'n give over your wit now, 
while it is well. 

X. Bet. [To her/elf] Now I fee his humour, TU 
ftand it out, if I were lure to die for't. 

^/> Char, You Ihould not have proceeded fo far 
with my Lord Foppington after what I had told you, 

[Afide'toh. Bet. 

Z. Bet. Pray, Sir Charles, give me leave to under- 
ftand myfelf a little. 

^?> Char. Your pardon, madam, I thought a right 
nnderftanding would have been for both your in^- 
terefts and reputation. 

L, Bet. For his, perhaps. 

Sir Char. Nay, then, madam, it's time for me to- 
take care of my friend. 

L. Bet. I never 'in the leaft doubted your friendfhip 
to him in any thing that was to (hew yourfelf my ene- 
my. 

Sir Char. Since I fee, madam, you have {o un- 
Iprateful a fenfe of my Lord Morclove's merit and my 
tervice, I (hall never be a(hamed of ufing my power 
henceforth to keep him entirely out of your ladyfliip's. 

L. Bet. Was ever any thing fo infolent ! f could 
find in my heart to run the hazard of a downright 
compliance if it were only to convince him that my 
power, perhaps, is not inferior to his. [To her/elf. 

L, Eajy, My Lord Foppington, I think you gene« 
rally lead the company upon thefe occafions. Pray, 
will you think of fome prettier fort of diverfion for 
us than parties and whifpers. 

L. Fop, What fay you, ladies, (hall we ftep and 
fee what's done at the baflfet-table ? 

£. Bet. With all my hcait ; Lady Eafy 

L. Eafy. I think 'tis the beft thing we can do ; and 
becaufe we won't part to night, you (hall all fup 
where you dined — What ^^y you, my lord ? 

if Mor. Your lady (hip may be fuse of iiie« madam. 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. yy 

L, Fop, Ay, ay, we'll all come. 

L^Eafy, Then, pray, let's change parties a little. 
My Lord Foppington, you (hallfquire mc. 

L, Fop, C) ! you do me honour, madam. My lady 
Graveairs you won't let Sir Charles have us ? 

{Exeunt L. Eafy, L. Fop. and Ladies. 

L, Grav, No my lord we'll follow you — ftay a little. 

[Ti? Sir Char. 

L, Bet. My Lord Morelove, pray let me fpeak 
y'ith you. 

Z. Mcr, Me, madam ! 

L, Bit. If you pleafe, my lord. 

L. Mor. Ha ! that look fhot thro* me ! what can 
this mean ? {Afidei 

Z. Bet. This is no proper place to tell you what it 
is, but there is one tiling I'd fain be truly anfwcr'd 
in : I fuppofe you'll be at my Lady Eafy's by and by, 
rand if you'll give me leave there 

L. Mor. If you pleafe to do me that honour, ma- 
. dam, I fliall certainly be th^^re. 

L.JBet. That's all, my Lord. 

Z. Mor. Is not your ladyfhip for walking ? 

Z. Bet. If your lordfhip dares venture with me, 

Z. M/jr, O! madam ! [Taking her hand,'] How my 
heart dances ! what heavenly mufic's in her voice, 
vhen foftened into kindnefs ! [Jjide. 

Z, Bet, [Afide.] Ha ! his hand trembles Sir 

Charles may be millaken. [Exeunt L. Bet. and L. Mor. 

Sir Char. I thought your ladylhip defign'd to fol-* 
low 'em. 

Z. Gra<v. rd fpeak with you. 

Sir Char. But, madam, confider, we fl^all certain- 
ly be obferved. 

Z. Gra'v. Lord, fir! if you think it fuch a favour. 

[Exit haplj. 

Sir Char. Is (he gone, let her go, ^c-. [Exit Jtnging. 



ACT V. r^^ SCENE continues. 
Enter Sir Charles and Lord Morelove. 

Sir Char. /^ O M E a little this way my Lady 

V--4 Graveairs had an eye upon me, as I 
C 4 itolc 



S6 .THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

Hole off, and rm apprehenfive will make ufe of any 
opportunity to talk with me. 

L. Mor. O I wc are pretty fafe here— well*: j'ou 
were fpeaking of Lady Betty. 

Sir Char. Ay, my lord 1 fay, notwithflanding 

all this fudden change of her behaviour, I would not 
have you yet be too fecure of her : Death my Lady 
Graveairs ! 

L* Mor. Ha ! She will have audience, I find. 

Sir Char, There's no avoiding her — the truth is, 
I have owed her a little good-nature a great while 
—I fee there is but one way of getting nd of her— 
I mull even appoiilt her a day of payment at laft. 
If you'll ftep into my lodgings, my lord, I'll juft give 
her an anfwer, and be with you in a moment. 

Z. Mor. Very well, Fll ft ay there for you. [Exil* 
Enter liady Graveairs on the other Jide. 

Z. Gran)^ Sir Charles ! 

Sir Char. Come, come, no more of thefe reproach- 
ful looks; you'll find, madam, I have deferved better 

of you than your jealoufy imagines Is it a fault to 

be tender of your reputation ?— Fy, fy—^1 his may 
be a proper time to talk, and of my contriving too 
——You fee I juft now (hook off my Lord Morclovc 
on purpofe. 

Z.^ Gra^v. May I believe you ? 

Sir Char. Still doubting my fidelity, and miftakln^ 
my difcretion for want of good-nature. 

Z. Grav. Don't think me troublefome— 'Tit 
death to think of parting with you ; for you I have 
neglefted friends and reputation, have ftood the little 
iu^lts of difdainful prudes, that envied me perhaps 
your friendfhip ; have borne the freezing looks of 
near and general acquaintance— —Since this is fo— • 
don't let *em ridicule me too, and fay my foolilh va- 
nity undid me ; don't let 'em point at me as a call 
miftrefs. 

Sir Char. You wrong me to fuppofe the thought.. 

Z. Gra*v, 1 confefs, I would fee you once again ; if 
what I have more to fay prove ineffeftual, perhaps it 
may convince me then, 'tis my intereft to part with 
yoa—i^Can you come to-night ? 

Sir Cba\ 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 57 
Sir Char. You know we have company, and Tin 

afraid they'll ftay too late Can't it be before fup- 

per— What's o'clock now 
Z, Gra'v, It's almoft fix. 

Sir Char, At feven then be fure of me ; 'till when 
I'd have you go back to the ladies, to avoid fufpicion, 
and about that time have the vapours. 

L. Grav, May I depend upon you ? [Exif^ 

Sir Char, Depend on every thing. A ver^ trou- 

blefome bufinefs this fend me once fairly rid on't 

— if ever I am caught in aa honourable affair again I 

A debt now that a little ready civility, and away, 

would fatisfy, a man might bear with ; but to have a 
rent-charge upon one's good-nature, with an uncon- 
fcionable long fcroll of arrears too, that would cat but 
the profits of the beft eftate in Chriftendom - ah — into- 
lerable ! Well, I'll even to my lord and (hake off the 
thoughts on't. [Exitm 

\ The SCENE changes to Sir Charles's Lodgings. 
Enter Sir Charles «»^ Lord Morelove. 

Z. Mor, Charles ! you have tranfported me ! you 
have made my part in the fcene fo very eafy too, 'tis 
impoffible I (hall fail in it. 

Sir Char, That's what I confidered ; for now the" 
more you throw yourfelf into her power, the more I 
(hall be able to throw her into yours. 

L.'Mor, Well, I am fully inftrufted, and will aboiK 
it inftantly Won't you go along with me ? 

Sir, Char, That may not be fo proper; bcfides 
I have a little bufinefs upon my hands. 

L. Mor, O ! your fervant, fir Good-bye to you 

you (han't ftir. 

Sir Char, My lord, your fervant— [£;f// L. Mor. 
So ! now to diipofe of myfelf, 'till 'tis time to thinkof 

my Lady Graveairs Umph 1 I have no great maw 

to that bufinefs, methinks. I don't find myfelf in 
humour enough to come up to the civil thing?, that 
are ufually expedled in the making up of an old quar- 
rel— [Edging crojfes the fiage.'\ There goes a warmei 
temptation by half: Ha ! into my wife's bedcham- 
ber too 1 queftion if the jade ha» any great bufi- 

C 5 ^ vsS% 



5S THE CARELESS HUSBAND, 
there ;— I have a fancy (he has only a mind to be 
taking the opportunity of nobody's being at home, to 

makeher peace wi^ me Let me fee ay, I (hall. 

have time enough to go to her ladyfliip afterwards 
— **Be(ides I want a little deep, I find — Your young 
ibps may talk of their women of quality— —-but to me 
now, there's a ftrangc agreeable convenience in a 
creature of this kind, one is not obliged to fay much 
to upon thefe occafions. [^Gaiug^ 

Entfr'Kdging, 

Edg. Did you call me, fir! 

Sir Char. Hal all's right -[Jjtde.] Yes, 

madam, I did call you. [Sits down. 

Edg, What would you pleafe to have, fir i 

Sh Char. Have ! why, I would have you grow a good 
girl, and know when you are well ufed, hufly. 

Edg. Sir, I don't complain of any thing, not I. 

Sir Char. Well, don't be uneafy — ^I am not angry 
With you now Come and kifs me. 

Edg. Lard, fir I 

Sir Char. Don't be a fool now--come hither. 

Edg. Pftiah [Goes to him. 

Sir Char. No wry face fo — fit down. I won't 

have you look grave neither ; Jet me fee you fmile, you 
jade you. 

Edg. Ha! ha! [Laughs and blujbts. 

Sir Char. Ah, you melting rogue. 

Edg. Come, don't you be at you tricks now — Lord ! 
can't you fit fiill and talk with one ! I an/ fure there's 
ten times more love in that, and fifty times the fatis« 
fadlion, people may fay what they will. 

Sir Char. Well! now you're good, you ihall have 
your own way — I am going to Tie down in the next 
room ; and, fince you love a little chat, come and 
throw my night gown overjme, and you (hall talk me 
to fieep. [Exit Sir Charles. 

Edg, Yes, fir for all this way, I fee he likes me 

ftill. [Exit after hinu 

Ti&i- S C E NE changis to the Terrace. 

Enter Lady Betty, Lady Eafy, and Lord Morelove. 

L. Mor. JTay, madam, there you are too fcvere upon 
kirn I for batmg now and then a little vanity* my 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. gg 

Lord Foppington does not want wit fometimes to make 
him a tolerable woman's roan* 

L, Bft. Bu^ fuch eternal vanity grows tire(broe. 

L. Eajy, C<^me, if he were not (o loofe in his morals, 
Tanity mcthinks might be eafily excufed, confidering 
how much 'tis in fafhion : for pray obferve^ what's 
half the converfation of moft of the fine young people 
about town, but a perpetual affedbition of appearmg 
fore moft in the knowledge of manners, new modes, 
and fcandal ? and in that I don't fee any body comes 
up to him. 

L, Mor* Nor I indeed — and here he comes — Pray 
madam, let's have a little more of him : nobody (hews 
him to more advantage than your ladyfhip. 

X. Eeu Nay, with all my heart ; you'll fccond me, 
my lord. 

L, Mor, Upon occafion, madam 

L, EaJy, Engaging upon parties, my lord ? 

[Ajtde andfmiling to L. MoT. 
Enter Lord Foppington. 

X. Fop, So, ladies I what's the affair now ? 

X. Bet. Why you were, my lord : I was allowing 
you a great many good q.ualities, but Lady Eafy fayg 
you are a perfeft hypocrite : and whatever airs you 
give yourfelf to the women, (he's confident you value 
no woman in the world equal to your own lady. 

' X. Fop, You fee, madam, how I am fcandalized 
npon your account. But it's natural for a prude to 
be malicious, when a man endeavours to be well with 
anybody but herfelf; did you never obfervc fhc wai 
piqued at that before ? Ha ! ha I 

X. Bet, I fwear you are a provoking creature* 

X. Fop, Let's be more familiar upon't, and give her 
-diforder ! Ha ! ha ! 

X. Bet. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

X, Fop, Stop my breath, but Lady Eafy is an ad- 
mirable difcoverer Marriage is indeed a prodigious 

fecurity of one's inclination : a man's likely to take a 
world of pains in an employment, where he can't be 
turn'd out for his idlenefs ! 

X. Bet. I vow, my loxd, that's vaftly generous to 

all tl^e fine women \ you are for giving them a defpo- 

C 6* tic 



6o THE CARBLES6 HUSBAND, 
tic power in love, I fee, to reward and puni(h as 
,lhey think fit. 

L. Fop. Ha ! ha ! Right, madam, what fignifies 
beauty without power ? 

Z. Ea/y, Tm afraid. Lady Betty, the greateft dan- 
ger in your ufe of power, would be from too heedlefs 
a liberality : you would mote mind the man than his 
merit. 

L, Fop, Piqued again, by all that's fretful — Well, 
certainly to give envy is a pleafure inexpreflible. 

[To L. Betty. 
L. Beu Ha ! ha ! 
L* Eajfy* Does not (he fliow him well, my lord ? 

[4fi^^ to L. Mor. 

Z. Mor. Perfe6lly, and me to mylelf for now' I 

almoft blu(h to think I ever was uneafy at him. 

[To L. Eafy. 
L, Fop. Lady Eafy, I aflc ten thoufand pardons, I'm 
afraid I am rude all this while. 

L. Eafy, O not at all, my lord, you are always eood 
company, when you pleafe : not but in fome things, 
indeed, you are apt to be like other fine gentlemen, 
a little too loofe in your principles. 

£. Fop. O, madam, never to the offence of the la- 
dies : I agree in any community with them ; nobody 
is a more conftant churchman, when the fine womea 
are there. 

L, Eajy. O fy, my lord, you ought not to go for 
their fakes at all. And I wonder, you that are for 
being fuch a good hufband of your virtues, are not 
afraid of bringing your prudence into a lampoon or 
a play. 

L, Bet. Lampoons and plays, madam, are only 
things to be laughed at. 

L, Fop, Od fo ! ladies, the courts coming home, 
I fee, fhall we not make our bows ? 
Z. Bet. O ! by all means. 

Z. E/iJj, Lady Betty, I muft leave you j for I'm 
•bliged to write letters, and I know you won't give me 
time after fupper. 

L. Bet. Well my dear, I'll make a ihort vifit, and 
be with you. [Exit Lady Eafy.]— —Pray, what's bcr 
tome of my lady Graveairs I 



THE CARELESS HUSBANU 6i 

I. Mor. Oh, I believe flic's gone horne^ madam ; 
IRe feemed not to be very well. 

L. Fop. And Where's Sir Charles, my lord ? 

/,. Mor. 1 left him at his own lodgings. 

L. Bet, He's upon fome ramble, Vm afraid. 

L, Fop. Nay, as for that matter, a man may ram- 
ble at home fometimes fBut here comes the chaifes^ 

we muft make a litile more hafte, madam. [Exeunt. 

The SCENE changes to Sir Charles's Lodging^ 
Enter Lady Eafy, and a Servant, 

Z- Eafy, Is your mafter come home ? 

Ser-v. Yes, madam. 

L, Eafy, Where is he ? 

Ser-v, I believe, madam, he's laid down to flcep. 

L, Eafy, Where's Edgnig ? Bid her gtt mc fomte 

wax and paper ^ftay, it's no matter, now I think 

on't there's fome above upon my toilet. \Exeunt. 

The SCENE opens ^ and dtf covers Sir Charles ^without 
its ivigf and Edging by him, both afleep m Pwo 'eafj 
chairs. 

Then enter Lady Eafy, nuho Jiarts and trmblts, fomk 
time unable to fpeak. 

L. Eafy. Ha ! 
Proteft me, virtue, patience, reafon! 
Teach me to bear tliis killing fight, or let 
Me think my dreaming fenfes are deceiv'd ! 
For fure a fight like this, might raife the arm 
Of duty, ev'n to the breafl of love ! At leaft 
1*11 throw this vizor of my patience off: 
Kow wake him in his guilt. 
And barefac'd front him with my wrongs* 
I'll talk to him till he blufhes, nay, till he 

Frowns on me, perhaps ^and then 

I'm loft again the eafe of a few tearg * 

Is all that's left to me 

And duty too forbids me to infult. 

When 1 have vow'd obedience— —Perhaps 

The fault's in me, and mature hsi^ nqt fonn'd \ 



fy THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

Me witb die tbouiand little requifites 

Tliat warm the heart to love ■' -*- 

Somewhere there U a fault ■■ 

Bat Heav'n beft knows what both of us deferve : 

Ha! bare-headed, and in fo found a ileep ! 

Who knows, while thus expos'd to th' unwholefomc 

air. 
But Heav'n offended may overtake his crime. 
And, in fome languifhinp^ diftemper, leave him 
A fevere example of its violated laws ■» ■ ■ ■ 
Forbid it mercy, and forbid it lo?e> 
This may prevent it. 

[Takes a Stehkirk off her neck, and lays 

it gently on bis bead. 

And if he (hould wake offended at my too bufy care, 

let. my heart-breaking patience, doty, and my fond 

affib^on plead my pardom [Exit. 

[After Jbe bos been out fome ame^ a hell rings ; 

Edging ivakes, andfiirs Sir Charles. 

Edg. Oh ! 

Sir Cbar. How now ! what's the matter ? 

Edg* O I blefs my fool, my lady's come home. 

Sir Cbar. Go, go then. ^Bell rings. 

Edg, O lud ! my head's in fuch a condition too. 

iRuns totbe glafs, bell rings again."] I am coming, ma- 
am O lud i here's no powder neither, [iell jr- 

gain] Here, madam. [Exit. 

Sir Cbar. How now ? [Feeling the Sieinkirk upon his 
head.] What's this how came it here ? [Puts on his 
njuig.] Did not I fpe ray wife wear this to day ?■■■ 

Death! fhe can't have been here, fure It could 

not be jealou fy that brought her homc^— for my 
coming was accidental — fo too, I fear, might hers. 

How carelefs have I been? not to fecure 

the door neither— ——'Twas foolifh— It muft be 
fo ! She certainly has fcen^me*herc flecping with 
her woman :— if fo, how low an hypocrite to her 

muft that fight have proved me ? Tlie thought 

has made me defpicable even to myfelf Now I re- 

fleft, this has not been the firft of her difcoveries.— — 
How contemptible a figure muft I have made to her ? 
A crowd of^circumftanccs confirms me now, flie has 
been long acquainted with my follies ; and yet with 

what 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. €$ 

what amazing prudence bas (he borne the fecret pang* 
of injured love, and wore an everlafting fmile to me ? 
This alks a little thinking — fomcihing (hould be don« 

I'll fee her inftantly, and be retblved from her 

behaviour. [^a//. 

ne SCENE changes to another room. 
Enter Lady Eafy and Edging. 

Z. Enfy. Where have you been. Edging? 

Edg, Been, madam ! I — I — I — I came as foon as 
I heard you ring, madam. 

X. Eafy, How guilt confounds her ! but (he's be- 
low my thought.- Fetch my laft new gown hi- 
ther 1 have a mind to alter it a little make hafte. 

Edg, Yes, madam. 1 fee Ihe docs not fufpeft 

any thing. 

Z. Eajy. Heigh ho ! ^Sitting do<ivn.] I had forgot 

—but I am unfit for writing now 'Twas an hard 

conflid yet its a joy to think it over : a fecret 

pride, to tell my heart my condud has been juft ■ 
How low are vicious minds, that offer injuries, how 

much fuperior innocence that bears 'em ? Still 

there's a pleafure even in the melancholy of a quiet 

confcience Away my fears, it is not yet impof- 

fible for while his human nature is not quitt 

Ihook off, I ought not to defpair. 

Re-enter Edging ^with a gouan. 

Edg, Here's the gown, madam. 

Z. Eafy. So, fit down there and, let mc fee— *— 

here rip off all that filver. 

Edg, Indeed, I always thought it would become 

your ladyfhip better without it But now fuppofe, 

madam, you carried another row of gold rouncl the 
fcollops, and then you take and lay this filvcf plain 
all along the gathers, and your ladyfhip will perfeftly 
fee, it will give the thing ten thoufand times another 
air. 

Z. Eafy. Pr'ythee don't be impertinent, do as I bid 
you. 

Edg. Nay, madam, with all my heart; your la. 
dylhip may do as yoa pleafe* 



«4 THE CARELESS HtJSBANb. 

L* Eaj^.. This creature grows fp conficJent, and I 
dare not part with her, 1^ he (hould think it jea- 
knify. ^ [^fi^^' 

Enter Sir Charles. 
. Sir Char. So, my dear ! What, at work ! how arc 
you employed, pray ? 

Z. Eafy, I was thinking to alter this gown here. 

Sir Char. What's amiis ? methinks it's very pretty. 

Edg. Yes, fir, it's pretty enough for that matter, 
but my lady has a mind it fhould be proper too. 

Sir Char. Indeed ! 

L. Eafy. I fancy plain gold and black would be- 
come me better. 

Sir Char. That's a grave thought, my dear. 

Edg. O dear fir, not at all, my lady's much in the 
right ; I am fure, as it is, it's fit for nothing but a girl. 

Sir Char. Leave the room. 

Edg, Lard, fir ! I can't ftir 1 muft ftay to 

Sir Char, Go V^^^g'H'^Jy* 

Edg, \frhro^ifig donvn the ivork hajiily, ana crying, ~^ 
If ever I fpeak to him again, I'll be burned. \_Exit» 

Sir Char. Sit ftill, my dear, 1 came to talk with 

you and, which you may well wonder at, what I 

have to fay is of importance too ; but it is in order to. 
my hereafter always talking to you. 

L, Eafy, Your words were never difobliging, nor 
can I charge you wiih a look that ever had the appear- 
ance of unkind. 

Sir Char. How could a woman of your reft rain t in 
principles, fedatenefs, fenfe, and tender difl^ofition, 
propoie to fee an happy life with one (now I refle6\) 
that hardly took an hour's pains, even before marriage, 
to appear but what I am : a loofe, unheeded wretch, 
abfent in all I do. Civil, and as often rude without 
defign ; unfeafonably thoughtful, eafy to a fault, 
and in my bell of praife, but carelefly good-natured : 
how (hall I reconcile your temper with having made 
fo ftrange a choice ? 

L. Eafy, Your own words may anfwer you . 

Your having never feemed to be but what you really 
were ! and thro' that carelefTnefs of temper there ftill 
ihone forth to me an undefigned honefty, I always 
doubted of in fmoother faces : thus while I faw you 

took 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 6f 
took lead pains to win me, you pleafcd and woo*d me 
mod ; nay, I have thought, that fuch a tdnpfer could 
hevcr be deliberately unkind; or at the worft, I 
knew that errors from want of thinking mij^ht be 
borne ; at leaft, when probably one moment ferious 
thought wouJd end *em. Thefe were my worft of fears, 
and thefe, when weighed by growing Iovq againfl my 
folid hopes, were nothing. 

Sir Char, My dear, your underftanding ftartlcs me, 
and juftly call's my own in cjueftion : 1 blulh to think 
I've worn fo bright a jewel in my bofom, and till this 
hour, have fcarce been curious once to look upon its 
luftre. 

L. Eafy. You fet too high a value on the common 
qualities of an eafy wife. 

Sir Char. Virtues, like benefits, are double, when 
conceal'd, and I confefs,- I yet fufpedt you of an 
higher value fur than 1 have fpokc you. 

/. Eufy, I underftand you not 
^ :^ir^(:har, I'll fpeak more plainly td you— —Be 
jTrce, ^ and tell me — where did you leave this hand- 
kerchief ? 

/,. Eafy. Ha ! 

Sir Char. What is't you ftart at ? You hear the 
qucftion. 

/.« Eafy. What fhall I fay ? my fears confound 
inc. , 

Sir Char. Be not concerned, my dear ; be eafy ia 
the truth, and tell me. 

L. Eafy. I cannot fpeak — and I could wi{h you'd 

not oblige me to it 'tis the only thine' I ever yet 

refufedyou— ^— and tho' I want reafon ioi my will, 
let me not anfwer you. ^ 

Sir Char. Your will then be a reafon, and fince I 
iee you are fo generoufly tender of reproaching me, 
*tis fit I fhquld be eafy in my gratitude, and makp 
what ought to be my fhame my joy ; let me be there- 
fore plcaled to tell you now, your wonderous conduft 
has waked me to a fenfe of your difquiet paft, and re- 

folution never to difturb it more And (not that I 

ofier it as a merit, but yet in blind compliance to my 
will) let me beg you would immediately difcharge 
your womaow 



66 THE CARELESS HUSBANO. 

L. Eafy^ Alas! I think not of her O, my deaf^ 

diftra^ mc not with this cxccfs of goodnefs. ' VjVeeping. 
^ Sir Char. Nay, praifc me not, left I rcfledt how 
little I have deferred it— I fee you arc in pain to give 
xne diis confufion — Come, I will not fhock your 
foftnefs by my untimely blulh for what is paft, but 
rather footh you to a pleafure at my fenfe of joy, for 
my recovered happinefs to come. Give then to my 
new-born love what name you pfeafe, it cannot, (hall 
not be too kind : O ! it cannot be too foft for what 

my foul fwells up with emulation to deferve 

Receive me then entire at laft, and take what yet no 
woman ever truly had, my conquer'd- heart. 

I. Eafy. Now I am bleft indeed to fee you kind 
without th' expencc of pain in being fo ; to make you 
mine with eafinefs thus, thus to hare you mine, is 
fomething more than happinefs, 'tis double W^t, an 
madnefs of abounding joy. But 'twas a pain intoler- 
able to give you a confufion. 

Sir char, O thou engaging virtue ! — But I'm *t(^ 
flow in doing juftice to my love : I know thy foff&efs 
will refufe me ; but remember, I infift upon it— — — 
let thy woman be difcharged this minute. 

Z. Eafy, No, my dear, think me not fo low in 
faith to fear, that after what you've faid, 'twill ever 
be in her power to do me future injury. When I can 
convemently provide for her, I'll think on't : but to 
difcharge her now might let hp:r guefs at the occa- 
fion ; and methinks I would have all our diflFerences, 
like our endearments, be equally a fecret to our fer- 
vants. 

Sir Char, Still my fuperior every way ! be it as 

you have better thought Well, my dear, now I'll 

confefs a thing that was not in your power to accufe 
me of; to be fhort, T own this creature is not the only 
one I have been to blame with. 

L. Eafy, I know fhe is not, and was always lefs 
concerned to find it fo, for conflancy in errors might 
have been fatal to me. 

Sir Char. What is it you know, my dear ? 

L. Eajy. Come, 1 am not afraid of accufing you now 
—my Lady Graveairs-- — Your caielefTnefs, my dear, 
let all the world know it, and it would haye becm hard 
indeed, had it been only to me a fecret. 

Sk Cisir. 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 67 
Sir Char. My dear, I'll afk no more queftions, for 
fear of being more ridiculous : I do coniei's I thought 
my difcietion had been a mailer-piece.^ How con- 
temptible maft I have looked all this while I 
/-. Eafy. You (han't fay fo. 

Sir Char, Well, to let you fee I had fome (hame, 
as well as nature in me, I had writ this to my Lady 
Gravcairs, upon my fird difcovering that } ou kixw I 
had wronged you : read it. 

L. Ea/j}\ [Reads,'] Something has happinJ, that pre^ 
^venls the njijit I i.itcnd-.d you ; and I ccLi'd gladly 
nviJJb, you never n.vould reproach me if I tell you y 'tis 
utterly incon-ueinivt that IJ/jouldcLerfceyjU more. 
This indeed was more dian I had merited. 
Enter Ser^'aut, 

Sir Char. "Who's tiicre ? Here ilep with this to 

my Lady Gravcairs. 

\^Seals the letter, and gi'ves it to thefer^vant, 

Serv. Yes, fir Madam, my Lady Betty's come, 

Z. Eajy, I'll wait on her. 

^/> Char, My dear, I'm thinking there may be 
other things my negligence may have wronged you in; 
but be affured, as 1 difcover 'em, all (liall be cor- 
rc^ed. Is there any part or circujuftance in your 
fortune that I can change or yet make eafier to you ? 

L, Eafy, None, my dear, your good nature never 
iJinted me in that ; and now, methinks, I have le£» 
occafion there, than ever. 

Re-enter Ser'vant* 
Ser'v, Sir, my Lord Morel ove's come. 

Sir Char. I am coming ^ — I think I told you of 

the defign we had laid againft Lady Betty ? 

L, Eafy, You did, and I Ihould be pleafed to be 
myfelf concerned in it. 

' Sir Char, I believe we may employ you : I know 
he waits for me with impatience. But, my dear, 
won't you think me taftelefs to the joy you'\e giveo 
me, to fufFer at this, time any concern but you t' em- 
ploy my thoughts ? 

L. Eetfy. Seafons muft be obey'd ; fince 2 know 
your friend's happinefs depending, I could not tafte 
uiy own, fhould you neglect it. 

Sir Cfo?n 



iR T«E CARELESS HUSBAND. 

Sty Char. Thou eafy fweetncfs — — O ! what a * 
wafte on my peglefted love, has my unthinking brain 
committed ? But time and future thrift of tendemefs 
(hall yet repair it all. The hours will come, when 
this foft-gliding ftream that fwells /ray heart, unmter- 
nrpted (hall renew it's courfe 

• Jrn^ like the o(^ean after ebb, Jhall Moue 
With cortjiant force of due returning lorve. 

\ExeunU 

The SCENE changes ta another R9om» 

Enter Lady Eafy and Lady Betty. 
^ Z. Bet, YoiiVe been in tears, my dear, and ytt you 
look pleafed too. 

£. Eafy. You'll pardon me if T dont let you into 
circumftances ; but be fatisfied. Sir Charles has made 
me happy, ev'n to a pain of joy. 

£. Bet. Indeed I'm truly glad of it, tho' I am forry 
to findi that any one who has generofity enough tp 
do you juflice, ihould unprovoked be fo great an 
enemy tome. 

L. Eafy, Sir Charles your enemy ! 

L. Bet. My dear, you'll pardon me if I always 
thought him fo, but now I am convinced of it.. 

L, Eafy, In what, pray ? I can't think you'll find 
Mm To. 

L. Bet. O ! madam, it has been his whole bufmefs 
of late to make an utter breach between my lord 
Morelove and me. . 

L, Eafy, That may be owing to your ufage of my 
lord ; perhaps he thought it would not difoblige you ; 
I am confident' you are miilaken in him. 

L. Bet Oh ! I don't ufe to be ,out in things of 
this nature, I can fee well enough : but I fhall be 
able to tell you more, when I have talked with my 
- lord. 

L. Eafy. Here he comes ; and becaufe you (hall 
talk with him — no excufes — for pofitively I will leave 
you together. 

L. Bet. Indeed, mj dear, I defire you would flay 
then ; for I know you think now, that I have a mind 

^ £• Eafifn 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 6^ 

£• EriJ)^. To to .ha I ha ! ha ! [Goh^. 

L, Bet, Well ! remember this. 

Enter Lord Morclovc. . 

£. Mor, I hope I don't fright you away, madam ? 

L, Eafy. Not at all, my lord ; but I muft beg your, 
pardon for a moment, I'll wait upon you imraedi* 
ately. [Exit.. 

L. Bet, My lady Eafy gone ? 

L, Mor, Perhaps, madam, in friendlhip to you, 
(he thinks I may have defer ved the coldnefs you of 
late have (hewn me ; and was willing to give you . 
this opportunity to convince me, you have not done 
it without juft grounds and reafon. 

L. Bet, How handforaely docs he reproach mc ! 
but I can't bear that he (hould think I know it — [^z- 
Jide,"] My lord, whatever has paffed between you and 
me, I dare fwear that could not be her thoughts at . 
this time. For when two people have appeared pro- 
feffed enemies, (he can't but think one will as little 
care to give, as t'other to receive a juftification of 
their adtions. 

L.'^Mor, Paflion, indeed, often does repeated inju-. 
lies on both fides, but I don't remember in. my heat ' 
of error, I ever yet profefs'd myfelf your enemy. 

L, Bet, My lotd, I (hall be very free with you— — 
I confefs I do think now I have not a greater enemy ' 
in the world. 

L, Mor, If having long loved you to my own dif- 
quiet, be injurious, I am contented then to i^and the 
foremoft of your enemies. 

L, Bet, O, my lord, there's no great fear of your 
tcing my enemy that way, I dare fay 

L, Mor, There's no other way^ my heart can bcar^ 
to oflFend you now, and I forefee in that it wiH perfift 
to my undoing. 

X. Bet. Fy, fy, my lord, we know where your 
heart is well enough. 

L, Mor, My conduft has indeed deferved this fcorn, 

and therefore 'tis but juft I fliould fubmit to your re-. 

fentment, and beg (tho' I'm afTur'd in vain) for par- . 

don. • ^Kneels » 

Enter Sir Charles. 

Sir tlfuir^ IJpw,^ iny Lord I ][L. Mor. rifin - 

^ ' ' I. Bet. 



To THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 

X. Bet. Ha I He here ? This was anlackj. [JfiJe. 

Sir Char* I am forry to ice 70a can (o foon -forget 
jrourielf : methiiiks the iDfolt yoa have borne firoin 
that lady, by this time fhould have wara'd you into 
a diigoft of her regardkis principles. 

L. Mor. Hold, Sir Charles! While yon and 1 arc 
firiends, I defire you would fpeak with honour of this 
lady-— — 'Tis fufficient I have no complaint agaioft 
lier, and 

L. Bet. My lord, I beg you would refcnt this thing 
no farther : an injury like this is better punilhed with 
oar contempt , apparent malice fliould only be laagh'd 
at. 

Sir Cher, Ha ! ha ! the old recourfe. Offers of any 
hopes to delude him from liis refentment ; and then, 
as the Grand Monarch did with Cavalier, you arc 
fore to keep your word with him. 

X. Bet. oir Charles, to let you know how far I am 
above your little fploen, my lord, your hand from 
this hour. — *■■■*- 

Sir Char. Pihah ! p(hah! All defign! all pique! 
mere artifice, and difappointed woman. 

X. Bft. Look you, lir, not that I doubt my lord's 
opinion of me ; yet 

Sir Cher. Look you, madam, in (hort, your word 
has been too often taken to let you make up quarrels^ 
as yoa ufed to do, with a foft look and a fair pro- 
mife you never intended to keep. 

X. Bet, Was ever fuch an infolence ? he won't give 
me leave to fpeak. 

X. Mor. Sir Charles ! 

X. Bet. No pray, my lord, have patience;, and 
fince his malice feems to grow particular, I dare hit 
word, and urge him to the proof on't : pray, fir, 
wherein can you charge me with .breach of promise to 
my lord ? 

Sir Char. Death, you won't deny it? How often, 
to piece up a quarrel, have you appointed him to vifit 
you alone ; and tho' you have promifed to fee no other 
company the whole day, when he was come, he hat 
found' you amon^ the laugh of noify fops, coauettet, 
and coxcombs, diffolutdy gay, while your full tyc% 
ran o'er with tranfport of thdr flattery; and your 

ami 



I 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 71 
own vain power of pleafing ? and the minute th^ were 
jone, grew only dull to him, funk into a diltaftcful 
pleen, complained you had talk'd yourfelf into the 
head-ach, and then indulged upon the dear delight 
of feeing him in pain : and by that time you had 
ft retch 'd, and gaped him heartily out of patience, of a 
fudden moff importantly remember you had outfat 
your appointment with my lady Fiddle-faddle; and 
immediately order your coach to the park. 

L. Bet, Yet, fir, have you done ? 

Sir Char, No tho' this might ferve to fhew 

the nature of your principles! but the noble conqueft 
you have gain'd at laft over defeated fenfe of reputa- 
tion too, has made your fame immortal, 

L. Mar, How, fir ? 

Z. Bet, My reputation ? 

Sir Char, Ay, madam, your reputation My 

lord, if I advance a falfhood, then refent it 1 

fay, your reputation It has been your life's whole 

pride, of late, to be the common toaft of every public 
table, vain even in the infamous addrefles of a mar- 
ried man, my Lord Foppington : let that be recon- 
ciled with reputation, I'll now (hake hands with 
(hame, and bow me to the low contempt which you 
del-erve from him ; not but I fuppofe you'll yet endea- 
vour to recover him. Now, you find ill ufage in 
danger of lofing your conqueft, 'tis poffible you'll ftop 
at nothing to preferve it, 

L, Bet, Sir Charles ^ [Walks diforder'd. 

Sir Char, I know your vanity is fo voracious, 'twill 
even wound itfelf to feed itfelf ; offer him a blank, 
perliaps to fill up with hopes of what nature he pleafes, 
and part with even your pride to keep him. 

Z. Bet, Sir Charles, I have not deferved this of 
you. \Burfting into tears ^ 

Sir Char, Ah ! true woman, drop him a foft diA 
fembling tear, and then his juft refentment mufl be 
hufh'd of courfe. 

L, Mor, O Charles ! I can bear no more, thofe 
iears are too reproaching. 

Sir Char» Hifl for your life ! [Afide, and then aloud, "^ 
My lord, if you beUeve her, you're undone ; the very 

next 



71 THE CARELESS HUSBAND, 
next fight of my Lord Popping ton would make her 
yet foriwcar all that (he can proniife. 

£. Bet. My Lord Foppington ! Is that the mighty 
crime that muft condemn me then ? You know 1 ufed 
hihi but as a tool of my nfentment, which you your- 
fclf, by a pretended fricndfhip to us both, moft art- 
fully provoked me to. 

■ Z. Mar. Hold, I conjure you, madam, I want not 
this conviclion. 

Z. B^t. Send for him this minute, and you and he 
(hall both be witncffcs of the contempt and detefta- 
tion 1 have for any fonvard hopes his vanity may 
have gi\en him, or your malice would infmuatc. 

Sir Cher, l^ath ! you would as foon eat fire, as 
foon part with your luxurious tafte of folly, as dare 
to own the half of this before his face, or any one, 

that would make you blu(h to deny it to Here 

comes my wife, now we (hall fee Ha ! and my 

Lord Foj>pington with her Now ! now, we (hall 

fee this mighty proof of your fincerity Now ! mv 

lord, youll have a warning fure, and henceforth . 

know me for your friend irideed 

Efiter Lady Eafy and Lord Foppington. 

Z. Eajj\ In tears, my dear, what's the matter ? 

L. Bet. O, my dear, all I told you's true ; Sir 
Charles has fhewn himfelf fo inveterably my enemy, 
that if I believed I defcrved but half his hate, 'twould 
make me hate myfelf. 

L. Fzp, Hark you, Charles, pr'ythee what is this 
bufinefs ? 

Sir Char, Why your*s, my lord, for ought I know 
— 1 have made fuch a breach betwixt 'em — 1 can't 
ptpmife much for the courage of a woman ; but if 
hers holds, I'm fure it's wide enough, you may enter 
ten a-breaft, my lord. 

X, Fop. Say'ft thou fo, Charles ? then I hold fix to 
four I am the firft man in the town. 

L. Eafy. Sure there muft be fome miftakc in this ; 
I hope he has not made my lord your enemy. 

Z, Bet. I know not what he has done. 

L, Mot. Far be that thought ! Alas ! I am too 
much in fear myfelf^ that, which I have this day com- 
mitted. 



THE CARELESS HUSBAND; j$ 

mitted, advifed by his imftaken friendlhip, may have 
done my love irreparable prejudice, 

L, Bet, No, my lord, lince 1 perceive his little arti 
have not prevailed upon your good-nature, to my pre- 
judice* I am bound in gratitude, in duty to myfel£ 
and to the confeffion you have made, my lord, to 
acknowledge now, I have been to blame too. 

L. Mor, Ha ! is't podible, can you own fo much ? 
O my tranfported heart ! 

L, Bet. He fays I have taken pleadire in feeing 

you uneafy 1 own it but 'twas when that un- 

eafinefs, 1 thought, proceeded from your love; and 

if you did love 'twill not be much io pardon 

it. * 

Z. Mor, O let my foul,' thus bending to your 
power, adore this fpft defcending goodnefs. 

L. Bet. And fince the giddy woman's flights I have 
(hewn you too often have been public, 'tis fit, at 
laft, the amends and Kparation ftiould be fo : there- 
fore, what I off.r'd to ^ir Charles, I now repeat be- 
fore this company, my utter detcllation of any pall or 
future gallantry, that has or (hall be off^r'd by me ta 
your uncafmcfs. 

. L, Mor. O be lefs generous, or teach me to deferve 
it - > ' Now bluih. Sir Charles, at your injurious 
accufation. » 

/-. Fop. Ha ! Pardi *voiln quelqne ch'j/e d'extraor* 
iinaire. ^ \^Jide. 

L. Bet. \% for my Lord Fopnington, I owe hiqi 
thanlcs for having been fo friendly an inftrument of 
our reconciliation; for though, in the little outward 
gallantry I receiyed from him, I did not immediately- 
truft him with my defign in it, yet I have a better 
opinion of his underftanding than to fuppofe he could 
miftake it. 

L. Fop. I am flruck dumb with the deliberation of 
her affu ranee; and do not pofitively remember, that 
the non-chalance of my temper ever had fo bright an 
occafion to fhew itfelf before. \^Ajidt^ 

L. Bet. My lord, .1 hope you'll pardon the freedoiq 
I have taken with you. 

I. Fqp. O, madam, don't be trader the confufion 

•fan apology upon my account; for, in cate of thk 

D . natirt^ 



1^ Tft^CAl^ELESS ftUSBAMrfc' 
y^^J^I am never difappointed, but when I InA a 

ladf of the fame mind two hoors together Ma^ 

cam, I have loft a thoufand fine womjpn in ray time : 
hat never had the ill manners to be out of humour 
with any one for refufing m«, frace I was bom. 
. Z. &/. My lord, that's a very prudent temper, 
^^ L. Pop, Madam, to convince you that I am in an 

tmiverfal peace with mankind, fmce you own I have 
ib far contributed to your happinefs, ei\e me leave ta 
taVe the honour of compleating it, by joining your 
hand where you have already offer 'd your inclina- 
tion. 

L.BeU My lord, that's a favour I can't refufc 
you. <r, 

L. Mor. Generous, indeed, my lord ! 

[L. Fop. joim their handu 

L. Fop, And ftap my breath, if ever I was better 
. pleafed, fince my nrft entrance into human nature. 

Sir Char, How now, my lord! what! throw op 
the cards before you have loft the game ? 

Z. Fop, Look you, Charles, 'tis true, I did defign 
10 have play'd with her alone : but he that will keep 
well with the ladies, muft fometimes be content to 
make one at a pool with 'em : and fince I know I 
muft engage her in my turn, I don't fee an> great 
odds in letting him take the firft game with her. 

Sir Char, Wifely confider'd, my lord. 

L, Bet, And now. Sir Charles - 

Sir Char, And now, madam, I'll fave you the 
trouble of a long fpeech : and, in one word, confefs 
that every thing I have done in regard to you this 

day was purely artificial 1 faw there was no way 

10 fecure you to my Lord Morelove, but by alarming 
your pride with the danger of lofing him : ' and fince 
the fuccefs muft have by this time convinced you that, 
in love, nothing is more ridiculous than an over- 
awed averfion: I am fure y©u won't take it ill, if 
we at laft congratulate your good nature, by heartily 
laughing at the fright we had put you in. Ha I ha ! 
, ha! 

L'.Fafj, Ha! ha! ha! 

L, Bet, Why-— well, I declare it now, I hate you 
wor& than ever. 

5/> Cbar^ 



THB CARELESS HUSBAND.: 7^ 

^x> Ciffir. lia ! }u ! ha ! And] was it afnud tbeJT 
would take sway iu love &om it*-— Poor Lady Betty! 
hal hal 

Lh Bafy* My dear, I beg your pardon ; but 'tis u% 
poffible not to laugh when one's fo heartily pleafed, ^ 

£. Fop. Really, madam/ 1 am afraid tne humour 
of the company will draw me into your diipleafure 
loo ; but ii I were to expire this moment, my laft 
breath would pofitively eo out with a laueh* Hal 
ha! ha! *" / ^ ^ 

L. Bet. Nay, I have dcferved it all, that's the 
truth on't — ^but I hope, my lord, you were not in 
this defign againil me. 

L. Mor. As a proof, madam, I am inclined never 

to deceive you more 1 do confcfs I had my Ihait 

in't. 

L, Bet. You do, my lord then I declare *twaa 

a deiign, one or other-^the beft carried on that ever 
I knew in my life ; and (to^ my 0iame own it) fot 
ought I know, the only thing that could have pre- 
vaU*d upon my temper : 'twas a foolifh pride that has 

coft me many a bitten lip to fupport it ^I wifli wc 

don't both repent, my lord. 

£. Mar. Don't you repent without me, and wc il&» 
ver (hall. 

Sir Charles comes foi^ward *with Lady Eafy* 

Sir Char. Now, my dear, I find my happinels 
grow fad upon me ; in all my pad experience of the 
fcx, I found, even among the better fort, fo much of 
folly, pride, malice, pafTion, and irrefolute defiie, 
that I concluded thee but of the foremoft rank, and 
thecefore (carce worthy my concern; but thou haft 
ftirr'd me with fo fevere a proof of thy exalted virtue^ 
it gives me wonder equal to my love— If then the 
unkindly thought oi what I have been, heroiter 
flion'd intrude upon thy growing quiet, let this xe« 
fledion teach thee to be eafy. 

Thj nurongt «when greateft, mofi thy 'virtue frvo*i% 
JhtdfrQm that 'virtuefomd, I hlufif^d an4 trtdj Mi. 



E P I. 



( 7« ) 

E P I L O G U E. 

f^Omfa^ amJ freedom mrem ItmgA mr mm^ 
Fai/e fears offlmvery m m^n afft/b^^nm; 
AV dread rfpayiffg trilmte to afurrign thnntm 
Jill fat kits WW ftt fruits tf cmqmeff^are, 
Exceft [ifjmmll nuith great things may cmafafe^ 
Th* c/>pn/s'd amJitioM of the iah*i ing player. 
We're fiil wfars [ms you of late ht frattce) ^ 
Of the d^J^stic potoer of f:»ng, and dance : 
Ar mjhdeffih/'criptioaf iiJ^c a tjrant, reigns , 
Nature's negU^ed, and the f age in chains* 
Jtitd Englifi a^orsfa^e tofweii the Frenchman* s gahti 
Lih Mf»p's cro^'f the poor out^nvitted ftage^ 
^hat Ir-Sd an ivholjome pLiys i* th* latter agty 
Deluded once tofing^ e^*njnflyfrrv*dy 
Let fisher cbeefe to the fox month andfarv'd: 
O that mr judgment t as your courage has 
Temrfame extended^ fwdnld ajffert our caufe^ 
That nothing Emglijh might fnbmit to foreign UeVJt ! 
If mot hut n^ve to fee that f^yfnl dajy 
^hen of the Engljfi ftagc y rt^^iv'd ^we may^ 
As of your hynostr noav, rvith proper a/piic/itron, fa^, 

So nvl-en /he Gallic f:x ij fraud of peace ^ 
Had lulVd the Britijh licf/ ifiio eaje, 
Andfa<iv that fetp compjs^d his oh chant had. 
He bids him nvake, and fee bi.^fr.'f hcf^ayd 
In toils of treacherous politick' -^rC-i.^dhim laid I 
She*ivs him hew one clfc h\- r : • Gallic thsi/ght 
Retook thofe torjjnsfor *w/. r. r .■■ . ears had fought* 
At this th' indignant JitVti' r .;.- hi ^ fiery eycSy 
Dctuntlefsy th% hlstfhiug ,:i r:c hafe fnrprife, 
Paufes amihile-r^Eai finds ..>/< r^ are <vain : 
'CompelTd to fight, hejhakc.^ :: - /'^aggy mane ; 
'Hegristds his dreadful fan^j ; rr.dfalks to Blenheim's 

plain* 
There t ni'i/here.?cd crefi, -i\J y^rridriar^ 
He, furious y pin: -vj on :.'■ c ;; '?• ^rcms vf gore. 
And dies nvithfaffe Br \-^*a\' blood the purple Da-' 

Muhe*sJhore, 
In one pmfi?'d battle J. ees the deftin* d flofves ; 
Revivet eld En^li/b honour, and an empire feroet^ 
F I N I S^ 



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4^«4^ 



THE 

F.U N E R A L: 

O R, 

GRIEF A-LA-MODE, 

A 

COMEDY. 

Written by 

^' Sir RICHARD STEELE., 

i * ' 

L-*- "^ "MiHcea with the Vtriatioin t>f the 

^? M A N A G E R ' s BOOK, 

AT THE 

Cteatte^iao^al in J>K}xvi*lMz* 



Vi ^ni conduct plorant in Funere, dicunty 

£t faciftnt prop} plura doleniihus ex animo ; Jtc 

Deri/or Vero plus Laudators mowlMr, HoR« 



L N D Nt 

PRINTED FOR W. STRAHAN, W. OWEN* 

T. CASLON, T. LOWNDES, W. NlCOLLj 

AND S. BLADON. 

M»OCC*LXXVII* 



-A / //. 



Vvyy.HAh. 




Sah:^f>f'/j^,.„^ /^,H//rtitr„,tA^,t'/ .«/////// .i//rr/;y ,////„._. y/,,^^ ^ 



THE 

F.U N E R A L : 

OR, 

GRIEF A-LA-MODE, 

A 

COMEDY. 

Written by 



l,^,Sir RICHARD S T E E L IZ. 



'*■* ^ MiHced with the VariaHoira t>f the 

J, MANAGER'S BOOK, 



AT THE 



. Citeatre^lKosal in 3?cutg<)Un'e. 

Vt ^m conduct plorant in Future ^ iticunt, 

£t facifint prep} plura doleniihus ex animQ ; Jte 

Deri/or Vero plus Laudatore tntuvinr. HoR« 



h K D ^t 

PRINTED FOR W. STRAHAN, W. OWEN* 

T. CASLON, T. LOWNDES, W. NlCOLLj 

AND S. BLADON. 

M.occ*LX]cvn* 






1^ The Readrr is Mired to obferve, that the PalTages a 
in the Reprefeatatioa 
marked with 6nf\c I 
the hotton, ia Page 5. 



j in the Reprefeatatioa at the Theatres are here prefenm 

< • marked with 6nf\c iiiTcitcd Commas | at it lane ; 



} 



i 3 ] 



PROLOGUE. 



7\rATURE*s idefetted and dramatic art^ 

To daxxle noiv the eye, has left the heart ; 
Ctfy lights and dreffes^ l(mg' extended /ceneS^ 
Damons and Angels mo*uing in machines ; 
4f// that can notv, or flea/e, orjright the fair, 
Md^ hi performed ^without a *ivriter*s care. 
Aid is the Jkill of carpenter, not flayer. 
Old Shakefpeare^s days could not thus far ad*uanct^ 
But what's his bujkin to. our ladder dance ? 
In jthi mid region afilk youth to fiand. 
With that nnioieldy engine at command ! 
t'org'd nviih iniemperate meals while hiriyo\ifit% 
Wm may you take oQi^vity for wit : 
Wit, Ut confufiom omfuch dulmfsje\zi\ 
Blujb youWe Jo pleased, as we that fo we pleafe. 
But nve, Jlill kind to your in*verted feufe, 
3o moft unnatural things once more difpenfe* 
For fince yo^ re ft HI prepoft*r9us, in delight, 
OiHr author made, a full houfi to invite, 
A funeral comeify to-night • i * 

^or does hkfkar that you wll taki the hint^ 
And let thefumral his own he umant $ 
^No, in Old England nothing can he won 
Without afd&ion, good or ill ke douei 
'To own this our frank author does ndt fear ; ' 
But hopes for aprevailing party heri : 
He kn9^s h'*as numerous friends, uay, hnknjut they^U 
\' fiewit, 

4»(i for the fellow-foldierfave the poet ^ 



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T H E 



F U N' E R A L. 



.1: A C T L . ^ 

' iwii^r Cabinet, Sable, c/ri/ Camploy. 

Cat. T Burftinto laughter, I can't bear to fcewrifc- 
J^ over an undertaker^a door, Dreffej for the 
dfead^ and neceffaries for fanerals ! ha ! h'a 1 ha ! 

■ SaL Well, gentlemen, 'tis very well, I know you' 
arc of the laughersf, the wits that take the liberty to: 
dbride all thifigs that are magnificent and fplemn. 

* • Camp. Nky, but after all, I can't bat admirer' 

* Sable's nice difterning^on the fuperfluoas cares of 

* mankind, that could lead them to the thought of 

* raifing^ an eftate by providing horfes, equipage, and 

* fHrniture, for thofe that no longer need 'em. 

'* CaS. Butis'ic not ftrangely contradiftory, that 

* men can come to lb open, fo'apparent anhypocrify, • 

* as, in the face of all the world, to hrrr fofeflcd* 

* mourners to grieve, lament, and follow in their 

* flead, the nearelt relations, and fabo/n others to 
' do by art what they themfelves fhould be prompted ' 

* to by nature ? 

' Sa6. That's reafonably enough faid, but they- 
' regard themfelves only in all rhey a6lj for the de- ; 

* ceas'd, and the poor dead are deliver'd to my cu- ; 

* ftody, to be embalmM, flafh'd, cut, anji' dragged' 

* about, not to do. them hohouri bat to fatisfy the 

* vanity or intereft oir their furvivors. - 

A3. * Camp'. ' 



6 THE FUNERAL. 

* Camp, This fellow's every wajr an undertaker ! 
' how well and luckily he talks ! his jprating fo aptly, 

* has, methinksy fomething more ridiculous in it, 

* than if he were abfurd ! [Jfi^e to Cabinet." 
Cah. But, ' as Mr. Campley fays/ how could you 

dream of making a fortune from fo chimerical a foun- 
dation, as the provifion of things wholly needlefs and 
infignificanC ? 

Sa6. Alas, fir, the value of all things under the 
fun is merely fantaftic; we run, we ftrive, and pur- 
chaie things with our blood and money, quite foreign 
to our intrinfic real happinefs, and which have a 
being in imagination only, as you may fee by the 
pother that is made about precedence, titles, court- 
lavour, maiden-heads and china-ware. 

Camf, Ay, Mr. Sable, but all thofe are objeAs 
that promote our joy, are bright to the eye, or ftamp 
upon our minds, pleafure and felf-fatisfadion. 

Sai, Yoo are extremely m,iitaken, fir; for one 
would wonder, to conQder that, after all onr outcries 
againft felf^interefted men, there are few, very few 
in the whole world that live to themfelves, but facri- 
^e their bofom-blifs to enjoy a vaia Ihew and appear- 
ance of proffjcrity in the eyes of others ; ancf there 
is often nothing more inwardl)^ difbef&'d, than a 
youne bride in her glittering retinue, or deeply joy- 
ful, than a young widow in her weeds and black 
train ; of both which, the lady of this houfe may be 
an inflance, for ihe htLS been the one, and is, VU be 
fworn, the other. 

Ca6, You tallc, Mr. Sable, moil learnedly. 

Saif. I have the deepeft learning, fir, experience : 
remember your widow couiin, that married laft month. 

Ca6. Ajr, but how cou*d you imagine ihe was in 
«11 that gnef an hypocrite ! Could all thofe (hrieks, 
thofe fwoonings, that riling falling bofom be con* 
ftrain'd ? You're uncharitable. Sable, to believe it : 
What colour, what reafon had you for it ? 

$a6. Firfl, iir, her carriage in her concerns with 
me, for I never yet could meet with a forrowful relid, 
but was herfelf enough to make a,}iard bargain with 

mc. 



THE FUNERAL. f 

me. Yet I muftconfefs they have frequent interrup- 
tions of grief and forrow when they read my bill ; but 
as for her, nothing, ihe refolv'd, that look'd bright 
* or joyous ihould after her love's death approach hcK 
All her fervants that were not coal blaclt muft turn 
out ; a fair complexion made her eyes and heart ake, 
ihe*d none but downright jet, and to exceed all example^ 
(he hir'd my mourning furniture by the year, and in 
cafe of my mortality ty'd my fon to the lame article ; 
fo in Ax weeks time ran away with a young fellow -^ 
Pry*thee, pufh on briflcly, Mr. Cabinet, now is your 
time to have this widow« for Tattleaid tells me^ (he 
always faid fiie'd never marry—— 

Cah, As you fay, that's generally the moA hopeful 

^ah. I tell you, Sir, 'lis an infallible one ; you 
know thofc profcflions arc only to introduce difcourfc 
of matrimony and young fellows. 

CaL But I fwear I could not have confidence^ 

* ev'n after all our long ac€|[uaintance, and the mu* 
' tual love which his lordfhip (who indeed has now 

* beea fo kind as to leave us) has fo long interrupted^' 
to mention a thing of fuch a nature fo anfeafonaoly— 
. StA. Unfeafonsdsly ! why I tell yoa 'tis the on!/ 
feafon (granting her forrow unfeign'd :) when would 
you fpeak of paflion, but in the midft of pafiions ? 
there's a what d'ye call, a crifis — the lucky minute, 
that's fo talk'd of, is a moment between joy and grief, 
which you muft take hold of, and pulh your fortune. 
But get you in, and you'll beil read your fate in the 
reception Mrs. Tattleaid gives you : all fhe fays, and 
all fhe does, nay, her very love and hatred are mer^ 
repetitions of her ladyfhip's pafljons : I'll fay that for 
her, (he's a true lady's woman, and is herfelf a* 
much a fecond-hand thing, as her doaths. But I 
jnuft beg your pardon. Sir, my people are come, I fee. 
[Exit Cab. and Camp. j^«/fr Sable's Men.'] — Where 
in the name of goodnefs have you all been ! have 
you brought the faw-duft and tar for embalming ? 
have you the hangings and the fixpenny nails, and m/ 
lord's coat of arms? 

A 4 Enter 



t T^rfB FtJNfeRAL. 

Enter* Sewaut. 

Ser*v. Yts^ Sir; and had come fooncr, liut I went t6 
t!ie'lierdld*s for a coat for Alderman Gadiergreafe 

that died Isift night he has promifed to invent; ontf 

dgainft to-morrow. 

Sa3, Ah ! pox take fome of our cits, the firft thing 
after their death' is to take care of their birth — — 
pox, let him bear a pair of dockings, he is the firfl 
of his family that ever wore one; well, come you that 
are to be mourners in this houfe put on your fad looks, 
and walk by me that I may fort you. Ha, you ! a 
ftttle more upon the difmal ; [forming their counte* 
nances — ] this fellow has a good mortal look— place 
him near the corps : that wainfcot face muft be o'top 
bf the flairs ; that fellow's almod in a fright (that 
looks as if he were full of fome ftrance miferv) at the 
entrance of the hall— So— but I'll fix you all myfclf 
-—Lee's have no laughine now on any provocation i 
\makes faeei] Look yonoer, that hale well-lookin^ 
fuppy I You ungrateful fcoundrcl, did not I pity you, 
take you out of a great man's fervice, and mew you 
the pleafure of receiving wages ? Did not I give you 
ten, then fifteen, now twenty (hillings a weeK, to bd 
ibrrowfiil ? and the more I give you, I think, the 
gladder you are. 

Enter a Boy. 

Boy. Sir, the grave-digger of St. Timothy's in the 
Fields would fpeak with you. 

Sab. Let him come in. 
\ Enter Grave-digger, 

■ Gra'u. I carried home to your houfe the fliroud the 
gentleman was buried in laft night ; I could not' get 
his ring off very eafily, therefore I brought you the 
llriger ind all ; and. Sir, the fexton gives his fervice 
to you, and defires to know whether you'd have any 
bodies removed or riot : if not, he'll let them lie in 
their graves a week longer. 

Sab. G'ive'him my ^rvice; I can't tell readily: 
but" oiir friend, tell him. Dr. Pafleport, with die pow- 
<!ef , has promifed me fix or feven funerals this week. 
* ril fend to our country-farm at Keh^ngton GraveU 

^ ^ * Pits, 



T he' P U S- E ft a t. 9 

* Pits, $nd our city-Koufe in Warwick-lane fpf ncws^ 

* you (hall know time enough. Hark'ee, be Aire there 

* IS care taken to give n>y Lady Languifh,'s woman a 

* fee to keep out that young fellow who came Jaft 

* from Oxford ; he'll ruin us all. [Enter Goody 
' Trafh.] I wonder. Goody Trafh, you could, not bp 

* moj-e punftual ; when I told you I wanted you^ 

* and yoUr two daughters, to be three virgiOjS to-nighjC 
' to ftand in white about my Lady Catherine GriC- 

* fel's body^ and you know you were privately tp 

* brtng her home from the man-midwife's, where fhp 
< died in child-birth, to be buried like a maid ; but 

* there is nothing minded : well, I have put off* that 

* till to-morrow ; go, and get your bags of brick-du|t 

* and your whiting. Go, and ftlj toithe cook-maids.; 
. * know who is furfeited about town : briji|; me no b.q4 

* news, none of your recoveries again.' [Exf/ Goody 
Trafli.1 And yow, Mr. Blockhead, I warrant you hav.e 

' not calrd at Mr. Feftle'^ the apptbecjiiy : will that fel- 
low never pay me ? I ftand bound for all the pojfon lA 
that ftarving^ mur^ierer's ft op : be fcrvc^s i»e j.u^ as 
Dr. Qaibus did, who promiied to wri^ a trcsinifi 
agaiwll wat^r- gruel,, a damn 'd hyeahhy flop that has 
done me inore injury than all the Facility : look y.osi 

■ now, you are all u^on the fu^er, let me have noae 
byt downright ftupid coanteuanccs— I've a good mJ;cul 
to turn you all off, and take people Qu.t of the j)lajj- 
houfe ; but hang theip, they areas ignorant of their 
parts as you are of yo.ur/g ; they never ad but whcA 
they fpeak ; when the chief indi<:ation of the mind i» 
in the gefture, or iadfiod in cafe of forrow, in no gef" 

' tupe, except you were to. adl a widow, or fo — ^\^t 
yours, you dolts, is all in dumb fto.w, dujnb (how. 
I mean expreflive elegant fliow : as^who can fee fudi 
ah horrid ugly fhiz as that fellow's, an4 not he: 
fhocked, oiFended a?id killed of all joy while he be* 
holds it ? But we muft not loiter— Ye ftupid xopii^,. 
whom J have picked ou* of the rubbirfiot mankind, 

' and fed for your eminent worthleftaeis, att^ud, and 
know th;it I /peak, you this moment-ftiff an^ immut- 

, abl^ ta^l fehie of noif<^ Wrth or laugluer ^ J^Mahr 
" A 5, " mouths 



.10 THE FUNERAL. 

MUtutbs at them m tbty pa/s hj him to bring tbem ## a 
conftant eountiHattce.'\ So« they are pretty well— pretty 
well [Exit. 

Entir Trudy and Lord Brompton. 
Truf. 'Twas fondnefs^ Sir, and tender duty to you, 
who have been fo worthy and fo juil a mailer to me, 
made me flay near you ; they left me To, and there I 
found you wake from your lethareic fl umber ; on 
which I will afTume an authority to oefeech you> Sir^ 
to make juft ufe of your revived life, in feeing who 
are your true friends, and knowing her who has {o 
wrought upon your noble nature, as to make it ad 
againil'itfelf in difmheriting your brave fon. 

Ld, B, Sure 'tis impoilible fhe fhould be fuch a 
creature as you tell me — My mind reflcds upon ten 
thoufand endearments that plead unanfwerably for 
her : her chafte reludant love, her eafy obfervance of 
all my wayward humours, to which ihe would accom- 
modate herfelf with fo much eafe, I could fcarce ob- 
ferve it was a virtue in her ; ihe hid her very pa- 
tience. 

Truf. It was all art. Sir, or indifference to you \ for 
what I fay is downright matter of fadl. 

Ld. B. Why didft thou ever tell me it ! or why not 
in my life-time, for I muft call it fo, nor can I date a^ 
minute mine, after her being falfe ; all pall that mo- 
ment is death and darknefs : Why didft thou not tell 
me then, I fay ? 

Truf, Becaufe you were too much in love with her 
to be inform*d ; nor did I ever know a man that 
touched on conjugal afiTairs could ever reconcile the 
jarring humours, but in a common hatred of the in- 
termcddler : but on this moft extraordinary occaiion, 
which feems pointed out by Heaven itfelf to diiengage 
you from your c-ruelty and banifhment of dn innocent 
child. I mufl, I will conjure you to be concealed, 
and but contain yourfelf in hearing one difcourfe with 
that curfed inftrument of all her berets, that Tattle- 
aid, and you will fee what I tell you ; you will call 
me then your guardian and good genius. 

Ld, B, Well, you (hall govern me, but would I 
had died in earncft ere I had known it ; my head 

fwims. 



THE FUNERAL. n 

fmms, as it did when I fell into my ht, at the thoughts 
of it, — * How dizzy a place is this world you live m !* 
All human life's a mere vertigo ! 

Tm/. Ay, ay, my Lord, fine refledions> 'fine re- 
flections, but that does no bafinefs. Thus» Sir, we'll 
(land concealed, and hear, I doubt not, a much fin- 
cerer dialogue than ufual between vicious peribns 3 
for a late accident has given a little jealoufy, which 
makes them over- ad their love and confidence in each 
other. [^^ rttir4. 

Entfr Widow and Tattleaid meetings and rmnning f 
each other. 

Wid, Oh, Tattleaid ! his and our hour is come ! 

Tat. I always faid by his church-yard cough, you'd 
bury him, but ftill you were impatient—— 

Wid* Nay, thou haft ever been my comfort, my 
confident, my friend, and my fervant ; and now PU 
reward thy pains ; for tho* I fcorn the whole fex of 
fellows ; ril give them hopes for thy fake ; every 
fmile, every frown, every gellure, humour, caprice 
and whimfy of mine, ihall be gold to thee, girl; 
thou fhalt feel all the fweets and wealth of being a 
fine rich widow's woman. Oh ! how my head runs 
my firft year out, and jumps to all the joys of widow- 
hood ! if thirteen months hence a friend (hould haul 
one to a play one has a mind to fee, what pleafure 
'twill be, when my Lady Brumpton's footman cal- 
led (who kept a place for that very purpofe) to make 
a fudden in/urre6iion of fine wigs in the pit and fide- 
boxes. Then, with a pretty forrow in one's face, and 
a willing blufii for being ftared at, one ventures to look 
round, and bow to one of one's own quality. Thus 
[iHry direSly\ to a fnug pretending fellow of no fortune. 
Thus \as fcarce feeing bim\ to one that writes lam- 
poons. Thus [fear/uliy] to one one really loves t 
Thus \Uoktng down] to one woman-acquaintance; 
from box to box thus : [ivith looks differently familiar\ 
and when one has done one's part, obferye the adors 
do theirs, but with my mind fixed not on thofe I 
look at, but thofe that look at me*— -Then the fe- 
renadcs ! the lovers ! 

B JS Tat. 



ts THE FtTNERAL: 

• • Sr«^« Oh, Madam, you mikt my heart bound within 
l|ie : I'ij. warrant you. Madam, Til manage them all ; 
and indeed/ Madam, the men are really very filly 
creatures » 'tis no fuch hard matter — they rulers I they- 
|;overnors ! 1 warrant you indeed ! 

. r IT/V.. Ay, Tattleaid, they imagine themfelve^ 
eighty things, but govcroment founded on force 
pnly, is ft brutal -power — We ruk them by their af« 
tedions, which blinds them into belief that they rule 
u$,-or at Icaft are in the government with us— But in 
ihi&nadon our power is;abfolute; .' thus, thus, WQ 

* fway — \_P ikying her fan, '\ A fan is both the flan- 
' dard.and theHagof £ngland.' I laagh to fee men 
^o on our errands, Arut in great offices, live in cares, 
hazards and fcandal6> to come home and be fools i^ 
U9 in brags, of their difpatchss, negotiations, and 
their wifdoms — as my good dear deceas'd ufed to en<» 
tertain xne.; which, 1 'to relieve myfelf from — would 

lifp Tome. flJly requeft, pat him on the face He 

shakes his head at. my pretty folly, calls me {imple* 
ton ; gives me a jewel, then goes to bed fo wife, fo 
iatisfied, and fo deceiv'd 

Tat, But 1 protcll. Madam, I've aUvays wonder'd 
how you could accomplifh my young Lord's being^ 
diiinherited. 

ff'iJ, Why, Tatty, you mufl know my late Lord—* 
how prettily that founds, my late Lord ! but I fay> 
fny late Lord Fribble was gcnerofity—I prefs'd him 
there, and whenever you, by my order, had told him 
llories to my fon.-in-law's difadvantage, in his rage 
and refentment, 1 (whofe intereft lay otherwife) aU 
ways fell on my knees to implore his pardon, and 
with tears, iighs and importunities for him prevailed 
againil him : beiides this, you know I had, when I 
pleafed, fits. Fits are a mighty help in the govem- 
snent of a good-natured man : but m an ill-natured' 
fellow have a care of them — he'll hate you for na- 
tural infirmities ; will remember your face in its 
diftortion, and not value your return of beauty. 

Tat. O rare Madam ! your ladyfliip's a great head- 
piece i * but now, dear Madam, is the hard tafk, if 
- , • I may 



THE JP.ITNIE R A L'. «$ 

"* I may take the Uhcrtytaiky it to-enjoyall free* 

* domSy and feem toabftain ; to manage the liumbet 

* of pretenders, and keep the difobliged from pr^t* 

* ing ~- 

« fFu/. Never fear, Tattleaid : while you have 

* rtchesy if yon affront one to abufe, yon can giv6 

* hope* to another to defend you: tktfe maxims I 

* have been laying up all my huiband's life-time; for 

* we m oft provide again fl calamitiefi.* 

Tat. Bat now. Madam, a fine young gentlemaa 
with a red coat, that dances ■ ■■■ » 

^id. Yon may be fiire the happy man (if it be in fate 
that there is a happy man to make me an unhappy wo- 
man) Aall not be an old one again . Age and youth mar- 
ried is the cruelty in Dry den's Virgil, where Mezenti us 
ties the dead and living together ; I'm fure I was tied to 
a dead man many a long day before I durll bury him — 
Bat the day iff now my own — Yet now I think on*t, 
Tattleaid, be fure to keep an obftinate lliynefs to all 
our old acquaintance : * let them talk of favours if 

* they plcafe ; if we grant them flill, they'll grow ty- 

* rants to us'; if we difcard them, the challe and in- 

* nocent will not believe we could have confidence to 
^ db it, w^t& it fo ; ^nd the wife, if they believe it, 
' will applaud our prudence/ 

Tai, Ay, Madam — I believe. Madam— I fpeak, 
Madam« -but my hamble fenie ^Mr. Cabinet woul4 
jnarry you*. 

^/V. Marry me! No, Tattleaid, he that is fo 
mean as to marry a woman after an affah- with her, 
will be fo bafe as to upbraid that very weaknefs. 
f He thit marries his wench will ufe her like his 

* wench*- Sttch a pair muft fure live in a fecret 

mutual fcorn of each other—' and wedlock is hell, if 
f at Icdft one fide does not love, as it would be hear 
^ ven, if both did ; and I believe it fb much heaven^ 

* as to think it was never enjoyed in this world.' 

Enter a Ser<vant. 
Ser'v, A gentleman to Mrs. Tattleaid — [ExitT^U 
Wid, Go to him — Blefs me, how carelefs and opeiv 
kave I been tathis fabtk creatore in the cafe of Ca-* 

hinet> 



14 THE FUNERAL, 

binet, (he's certainly in his interefts — We people of 
condition are never guarded enough againft thofe 
about us. They watch when our minds boil over 
with* joy or grief, to come in upon us. How mife* 
rable it is to have one one hates always about one^and 
when one can't endure one's own refledion upon fome 
afUonsy who c^n bear the thoughts of another upon 

them ? but (he has me by deep fecrets ^ The Ita- 

' lians, they fay, can readily remove the too much 

* intruded — Oh, their pretty fcented gloves I this 
■ wench I know has play'd me falfe, and homed me 
' in my gallants. Oh, luly, I could refign all my 

* female £ngli(h liberty to thee, for thy much dearer 

* female pleafure, revenge ! Well, what's the matter, 
« dear Tatty 

Enter Tattlcaid. 

Tat, The matter, madam ! why, madam, coun« 
fellor Puzzle is come to wait on your ladyfliip about 
the will and the conveyance of the eftate«— there nuft, 
it Teems, be no time loft for fear of things ; fye, fye, 
madam, you a widow thefe three hours, and not look'd 
on a parchment yet — Oh, impious ! to negleft the 
will of the deadl 

^/V. As you fay indeed, there is no wijl of a huf- 
band's fo willingly obeyed as his laft. But I muft go 
in, and receive him in tny formalities ; leaning on a 
couch is as necefl!ary a pofture, as his going behind 
his deflc when he fpeaks to a client-^But do you bring 
him in hither till I am ready [Exit. 

Tat, Mr. Counfellor, Mr. Counfellor— [Calling, 
Enter Puzzle and Clerk. 

Puz. Servant, good madam Tattleaid, my ancient 
friend is gone, but bufmefs muft be minded 

Tat. I told my lady twice or thrice, as (he lies in 
dumb grief on the couch within, that you were here, 
but (he regarded me not ; however, fmce you fay it 
is of fuch moment, I'll venture to introduce you : 
pleafe but to repofe here a little, while I ftep in ; for 
methinks I would a little prepare her. 

Puz. Alas ! alas ! poor lady ! [fx/V Tattleaid. 

Damn'd hypocrites I vvell^ this nobleman's death is a 

Utde 



i 



THE FUNERAL. 15 

little fudden : therefore pray let me recoiled^ : open 
the bag, good Tom. Now Tom thou art my nephew, 
my dear uiler Kate's only Ton, and my heir, therefore 
I will conceal from thee on no occaiion any thing ; 
for I would enter thee into buflnefs as foon as poffible. 
Know then 9 child, that the lord of this boufe was one 
of your men of honour, and fenfe, who lofe the lat- 
ter in the former^ and are apt to take all men to be 
like themfelves : now this gentleman intirely trufted 
me, and I made the only nfe a man of bufinefs can of 
a truft, I cheated him ; for I imperceptibly, before 
his face, made his whole ellate liable to an hundred 
per annum for myfelf, for good fervices, &c. As for 

. legacies, they are good or not, as I pleafe ; for let me 
tcfl you, a man, mull take pen, ink, and paper, Ht 
down by an old fellow, and pretend to taLe direc- 
tions, but a true lawyer never makes any man's will 
but his own ; and as the prieft of old among us got 
near the dying man, and gave all to the church, fo 
now the lawyer gives all to the law. 

Clerk, Ay, fir, but priefts then cheated the nation 
by doing their offices in an unknown language. 

Puz. True — but ours is a way much f^rer ; for we 
cheat in no language at all, but loll in our own 
coaches, eloquent in gibberilh, and learned in jingle. 
Pull out the parchment ; there's the deed ; I made it 
as long as I could— —Well, I hope to fee the day, 

. when the indenture ihall be the exad meafure of the 
land that paflfes by it ; for 'tis a difcouragement to 
the gown, that every ignorant rogue of an heir ihould 
io a word or two underfland his father's meaning, and 
Bold ten acres of land by half an acre of parchment 

. — — Nav, I hope to fee the time ' when that there is 
' indeed fome progrefs made in, ihall be wholly ef- 
• felled ; and ' by the improvement of the noble art 
of tautology, every inn in HoJborn an inn of court. 
Let others think of logic, rhetoric, and I know not 
what impertinence, but mind thou tautology — What's 
the firft excellence in a lawyer ? Tautology. What's 
the fecond ? Tautology. What's the third ? Tauto- 
logy : as an old pleader faid of adtion. But to turn 

to 



iC THE F U N E * A- CJ 

to the deed ; [Prrl/s out an mmenfttrahle farehmerrt,] 

• for the will is of no force if I pleafe, for he was not 

• capable of making one after the former, as I ma- 
' nagcd it — upon which* account I now wait on my 

• lady ;' by the way, Tom, do you know the true 
meaninor of the word a deed ? 

Cierx, Ay, fir, as if a man fliould fay the deed. 

P/izc: Right ; 'tis emphatically fo called, bccaufe 
after it all deeds and aftions are of no effeft, and you 
have nothing to do but hang yourfelf— the only obli- 
ging thing you can then do. But I was telling you 

the ufc of tautology Read toward the middle of 

that inftrumcnt. 

Clerk: [Rea^fs.'] I the faid earl of Brumpton, do 
give, bellow, grant and bequeath, over and above the 
laid prcmiires, all the fite and capital meffuage called 
by the name of Oatham, and all outhoufes, barns, 
ilablcs, and other edifices and buildings, yards, or- 
chards, gardens, fields, arbors, trees, lands, earths, 
meadows, greens, paflures, feedings, woods, under- 
woods, ways, waters, water-courres, filing-ponds, 
pools, commons, common of pafture, paths, heath- 
thickets, profits, commodities, and emoluments', with 
their and every of their appurtenances whatfoever, to 
the faid capital meffuage and fite" 
belonging, or in any wife apper- 
taining, or with the fame hereto- 
fore ufed, occupied or enjoyed, [mous <words are 
accepted, executed, knownr, or ( repeating ^ nvhoin 
taken as part, parcel, or member I Lord Brumpton 
of the fame; containing in the \ fcornfuily mimicr. 
whole, by eftimation, four hun-J 
dred acres of the large meafure, or thereabouts, be 
the fame more or lels ; all and lingular which the 
faid fite, capital meffuage, and other the premiffcs, 
with iheir and every of their appurtenances^ are fitd- 
ate, lyin? and being 

Puz. Hold, hold, gool Tom ; you do come on in- 
deed in bufinefs, but don*t ufe your nofe enough in 
reading — [Reads in a ridiculous law tone till out cf 
Irearh.'l — ^Why, you're quite out j you read to be un- 
5 der flood- 



Puzzle nods and 
fneers as the fyno- 



TH B F U N E R A U fi 

deHlobd-^ec me fee it — I the faid etH— — ^Now 
again^ fuppofe this were to be in Latin — [Runs ini9 
Latin terminaiiens.'] making Latin i» only making il 
naEnglilh^* — Ego pr<tdi£t--'-'^C9mei de Brumpton-^ 
totas nuas harms ^outhou/as ^ ftabulas^^yardos^*'^-* 
But there needs no further jierufal. 1 now recolleft 
the whble«— my lord, by this inftrument, difinhetits 
his fon utterly ; gives all to my lady ; and moreoveri 
grants the guardianfhip of two fortune wards to her ; 
id eft, tobe fold by her; which is ihefubjed of my bull* 
nefs to her ladyihip, who, methinks, a little overdoe* 
the afiair of grief, in letting me wait thus long on 

fuch welcome articles But here i 

Enter Tattlcaid, ^wiping her eyes* 
Tat, I have, in vain, done all 1 can to make ber 
regard me. Pray, Mr. Puzzle, you're a man of fcnfe, 
come in yourfelf, and fpeak reafon, to bring her to 
fomis confideration of herfelf, if poffible. 

Puz. Tom, V\\ come down to the hall to you ; 
dear madam, lead on. 

[Exit CXtt^H 6n0 *way, Paiz. Tatt. another* 
Ld. Brumpton and Trudy ad<vance. from.their conceal^ 
ment after a long, pau/e, and ftaririg at each other.*' \ 
Ld, Bi Trufty, on thy fihceritv, on thv fideliW to 
me, thy friend, thy patron, and thy matter, anftve^ 
me dire£)tly to one queftion — Am I really alive ? Ani 
I that identical, that numerical, that \^Ty fanVe lord 

Brumpton, that 

Truf, That very lord-j-that very lord Brumpton^ 
the very generous, honeft, and good lord Brumpton. 
who fpent his ftrong and riper years with honour ahq 
reputation; but in his age of decay declined fr6m 
virtue alfo : that very lord Brumpton, who buried a 
fine lady, who brought him a fine fon, who is a fine 
gentleman ; but in his age, that wtry man, unfeafon- 
ably captivated with youdh and beauty, married a very 
fine young lady, who has difhonoured his bed, disin- 
herited his" brave fbn, and dances o*er his grave. . / 

LJ. B, Oh, that damned tautologift too! thai 

Puzzle,, and his irrevocable deed ! [Pauftng,'] Well, 
I know I do not italiy live, but waiwter a'ier tW place 

where 



t% THE FUNERAL. 

where once I had a treafure 1*11 haunt her, Troftjr, 

gaze in that falfe beauteoas face, till ihe trembles, till 
le looks pale, nay, till (he blufhes 

Tru/. Ay, ay, my lord, you fpcak a ghoft very 
much ; there's flefh and blood in that expremon— that 
falfe beauteous face ! 

Lif. B. Then, iince you fee my weaknefa, be a 
friend, and arm me with all your care, and all your 
reafon — — — 

TVif/ If youMl condefcend to let me dire^ youy 
you (hall cut off this rotten limb, this falfe, difloyal 
wife, and fave your noble parts> your fon, yottr fa- 
mily, your honour. 

Short is the date in which ill a£b prevail. 

But honefty*s a rock can never faih 



N 



ACT II. 

E9tir L(»*d Hardy. 
0W« indeed, I am utterly nndone— — but to 
expcft an evil foftens the weight of it when it 
Iiappens ; and pain, no more than pleafare, is in rea« 
lity fo great as in expectation. But what will become 
of me ? How ftiall I keep myfclf even above worldly 
want ? Shall I live at home, a (lifF, melancholy, poor 
man of quality ; grow uneafy to my acauaintance as 
well as myfelf, by fancying I am flighted where I am 
not ; with all the thoufand particularities which at- 
tend thofe whom low fortune and high fpirit make 
malecontcnts ? No ! we have a brave prince on the 
throne, whofe commiffion I bear, and a glorious war 
in an honed caufe approaching, [clapping his band tn 
his/kvordJ] in which this (hall cut out bread for me, 
and may, perhaps, equal that eltate to which my birth 
entitled me— — But what to do in prcfent preflures— 
Ha, Trim ! [Calling, 

Enter Trim. 
Trim, My lord. 



T H E F U N K R A L. 19 

Lit. H, How do the poor rogues that are to recruit 
my company ? 

Trim. Do, Sir ? They have cat you to your laft 
guinea. 

Ld. H., Were you at the agent's ? 

Trim. Yes. 

Ld. H. Wtll, and how ? 

Trim. Why, fir, for your arrears, you miy have 
eleven (hillings in the pound ; but he'll not touch 
your growing fubfiftence under three (hillings in the 
pound intereft ; befides which, you mufl let his clerks 
Jonathan Item, fwear the peace againft you, to keep 
yon from duelling; or infnre your life, which yoa, 
may do for eight per ant. On thefe terms he'll ob- 
lige you, which he would not do for any body elfe in 
the regiment ; but he has a friendihip for you. 

Ld. H. Oh, 1 am his humble fervant ! but he muft 
have bis own terms ; we can't ftarve, nor muft the 
fellows want. But methinks this is a calm midnight ; 
I have heard no duns to-day. 

Trim. Duns, my lord ! Why, now your father*a 
dead, and they can't arreft you, I (hall grow a little 
lefs upon the fmooth with them than I have been. 
Why, friend, fays I, how often mnft I tell yon my 
lord is not (Hrring ? His lordfliip has not (lept well, 
you muft come fome other time; your lordfiiip will 
fend for him when you are at leifnre to look upon mo- 
ney alFairs ; or if tncy are fo faucy, fo impertinent as 
to prcfs a man of your quality tor their own, there 
are canes, there's Bridewel, there's the flocks for your 
ordinary tradefmen ; but to an haughty, thriving. 
Coven t-garden mercer, (ilk or laceman, your lord- 
(hip gives your moft humble fervice to him hopes his 
wife IS well ; you have letters to write, or you would 
fee him yourfelf, but you defire he would be with you ■ 
puaftually on fuch a day, that is to fay, the day after 
you are gone out of town. 

Ld. H. Go, firrah, you are fcurrilous; I won't be- 
lieve there are fuch men of quality — d'ye hear, give, 
my fervice this afternoon to Mr. Cutpurfe, the a^ent, 
and tell him I am obliged to pay him for his readmefs 

to 



» THE FUNERAL. 

to ferre me, for l^m reiglvcd to pay my dcbtv forlti- 

wicli — ■ - . 

.- [A 'voice .ivitirciu.] I dpn-C know whetker he is 
within or not. Mr. Trim, is my lord within ? . . . 

Lt/. H, Trim, foe who it s«| 1 »m not witjiin^.ypa' 
know . [iS>f// Trim. 

'Tr^/n, [J{"kbout,'\ Yes, fir, my lord ii above i pray, 
walk wp ' 

Ld. H, Who can it be ; ho owns me tpo. [MMt/^ 
Gampley end Trim,] Dear Tom Campl«y« this id* 
kind-— You are an extraordinary maD, indeed » who, 
ia the fadden acceifion of a noble for^upe,. ca^.ilill be 
yjourlelf, and viitt your lefs happy frieilds. < 
• Camp. No, you are, my lord, the extraordinary man* 
who, OQ the lofs of an almoil princely fortune, can 
be maftjr of a temper that makes you the envy» ra-. 
ther than pity of your more fortunate, not more hap- 
py friends. 
. Ld. H. Oh, fir» your fervant lr-B«t let. me ga«e on 

thee a little 1 han't feen thee fiooe we c^miC home 

ioto EiigUnd— «oft. e[fca£tly, iKgUgeqtlyj .g^nteely 
drefled-i«I know there is mor^ than ordipvy ^ this. 
[Beating Campley*a Ifrcafi,'] Come, cpnfefs who (hares 
with me here .-^ J muil harve her real and poetical 

name Come, fhe is in fonnet, Cynthia ; in profc, 

miftrcfs 

Camp, One you little dream of; tho' (he is in a 
manner of your placing there. 

Z</. /f. My placing there ! — -^ 

Camp, Why, my lord, all the fine things you have- 
faid to me in the camp, of my ladyCharlDtte,yourfa-. 
ther*8 ward, ran in my head fo very much, that I- made 
it my buiinefs to become acquainted in that family, 
which T did by Mr. Cabinet's means, and am now m 
love in the fame place with your lordibip. 

Ld, H, How I in love in the fame place with me, 
Mr. Campley ? 

Camp. Ay, my lord, with t'other fitter, with t'other 
filler. 

. Ld, H, What a dunce was I, not to know which, 
without your naming her ? Why, thou art the only 

man breathing fit to deal with her But my Lady 

Charlotte ; 



THE FUNERAL. Vi 

"Charlotte 5 ■ there's a woman !«*—foeafi!y virtuous ; 
To agreeably fevere ; her motion fo unaiFedled, yet (o 
cowpofed I her lips breathe nothing but truth, good 
ienfe, and flowing wit. 

Camp, Lady Harriot ; there's the woman ! fuch 
iife« fuch fpirit, fuch warmth in her eyes ; fuch a 
lively commanding air in her glances ; fo fprightly a 
mien, that carries m it the triumphofconfcious beau- 
ty. Her lijps are made of gum and balm — There is 
Something in that dear girl that fires my blood above * 
—above — above — 

Ld. H. Above what ? 

Camp, A grenadier's march. 

Z</./f/ A ibft fimilc, I muft'confefs— — But, Oh, 
that Charlotte ! to recline this aching head* full of 
care; on that tender, friOwy, faithflil bofom 

Omp. Oh, that. Harriot 1 to embrace that beau- 
teous ' 

Li, H: Ay, Tom ; but methinkJ your head runs 
\oq much on the wedding-iiight only, to make your 
happinefs laftiAg : mine is fixed on die married ilate j 

* I exj)eft my felicity from Lady Charlotte, in her 
^ frlendfhip, her conftaney, her piety, her houlhoM 

* cares, her maternal tendernefs You think not 

* of any excellence of your miflrefs, that is more thali 

* Ikin deep. 

' Camp. When I knOw her frfrtier than Ikin deep, 

* ni tell you more of my mindi'. 

W. H. • Oh, fie, Tom ! how can you talk fo 
' lightly -of a woman you love with honour'— — But 
tell me, I wonder how you make your approaches iii 
'bcfieging fiich a (brt of creature; Ihe that loves ad- 
drefles, gallantry, -fiddles y that reigns and delight's 
in a croud of admirers. If I know het^ /he is one of 
"thofe vou may eafily have a general acquaintance 
'with, but hard to make particular. 

Campi You undcrftand her vtrf well— 7 You muft 
"know, I put her but of all her play, by carrying it in 
a humorous manner ; I took care, in alt my anions', 
>efore I difcovered the' lover, that fhe/fhould, inge- 
.Acra^ have a gbod Oj^nio'i^ of me ; j^nd have ever 

fince 



a^ THE FUNERAL* 

fmce behaved myfelf with all the good humour attd 
eafe I was able ; (o that (he is now extremely at a 
lofs how to throw me from the familiarity of an ac- 
quaintance, into the diflance of a lover ; but I laugh 
her out of it ; when ihe begins to frown, and look 
grave at my mirth, I mimic her till ihe burfis oiit a 
laughing- 

LJ, H. That^s ridiculous enough. 

Camp, By Cabinet's interefi over my Lady Brompi- 
tOB, with gold and flattery to Mrs. Fardingale, an 
old maid her ladyihip has placed about the young la* 
dies, I have eafy accefs at all times, and am this very 
day to be admitted by her into their apartment—— 
I have found, you muft know, that Ihe is my rela* 
tioQ. ^ 

Ld. H. Her ladyihip has chofe an odd companion 
for young ladies. 

Camp, Oh, my lady's a politician ; ' ihe told Tat* 

* tleaid one day, that an old maid was the befi guard 
' for young ones ; for they, like eunuchs in a feraglio, 
' are vigilant out of envy of enjoyment they cannot 

* themfelves arrive at.' But, as I was faying, I have 
lent my coufin Fardingale a fong, whidi me and I are 
to pradife to the fpinnet — The young ladies will be 
by^ and I am to be left alone with Lady Harriot ; 
then I de%n to make my grand attack, and to-day 
win or lofe her. I know, fir, this is an opportunity 
you want — If you'll meet me at Toin's, have a letter 
ready, I will, myfelf, deliver it to your miilrefs, con* 
du£l you into the houfe, and tell her you are there, 
and nnd means to place you together. You muft 
march under my command to-day, as I have many a 
one under yours. 

LJ. H. But, faith, Tom, I (hall not behave myfelf 
with half the refolution you have under mine ; for, 
to confefs my weaknefs, though I know ihe loves me, 
though I know ihe is as iledfaitly mine, as her heart 
can make her, I know not how, I have to fublime an 
idea of her high value, and fuch a melting tendernefs 
diiTolves my whole fraine when I am near her, that 
.my tongue falters, my nc^rves ihake, and my heart fo 
9 . alternately 



THE FUNERAL. 25 

alternately /inks and rifes, that my premeditated re« 
folves vanifh into confuiion, down-caft eyes, and 
broken utterance.—— 

Camp, Ha» ha, ha 1 this is a campaigner too ! 
Why, my lord, that's the condition Harriot would 
have me in, and then (he thinks (he could have me ; 
but I, that know her better than (he does hcrfelf, 
know (he would infult me>. and lead me a two years 
dance longer, and, perhapr, in the end, turn me in« 
to the herd of the many negleded men of better 
{tu^Qy who have been ridiculous for her fake — But I 
fliall make her no fuch facrifice. 'Tis well my lady 
Charlotte's a woman of fo folid an underitanding; I 
don't know another th^t would not ufe you ill for 
your high value. 

Ld, H, But, Tom, I muft fee your fong you have 
fent your coufin Fardingale, as you call her. 

Camp. This is lucky enough — [Jfide.] — No, hang 
at, my lord, a man makes fo (illy a figure when his 

verfes are reading Trim, thou haft not left off thy 

loving and thy rhyming ; Trini's a critic : I remem- 
ber him a fervitor at Oxon : [Gives a paper to Trim.] 
I give myfelf into his hands^ becaufe you (han't fee 
them till I am gone— —My lord, your feryant — you 
ihan't ftir. 

Ld, H, Nor you neither, then. [^iruggling. 

Camp. You will be obeyed. 

[Exeunt ; Lord Hardy nuaits on him do^wn* 
. Trim. What is in this fong — Ha ! — don't my eyes 
deceive me ? — a bill of three hundred pounds ! [Reads. 
Mr. Ca(h, 
Pray pay to Mr. William Trim, or bearer, the 
fum of.three hundred pounds, and place it to the ac- 
count of Sir, 

Your humble fervant, 

Thomas Campley. 
[PuUiftg off his hat^ and Solving J] Your very humble 
Servant, good Mr. Campley. Ay, this is poetry ; 
this is a fong indeed — Faith, I'll fet it, and (ing it 

myfelf Pray pay to Mr. William Trim £0 

far in recitative— —Three hundred — [Singing ridicu* 



t^ THE FTJN.E R A L. 

/m^.]— >haa^-^red-- hundred— -«*Hundred thrice re^ 
pesued, becaufe 'tis three handled pounds : I love 
repetitions in mufic, when there is a good reafon for 

it— — Po- ds, after the Italian manner. If they 

would bring me fuch fenfible words as thefe, I would 
outftrip all your compofers for the mufic prize. This 
was honeflly done of Mr. Campley: though I have 
carried him many a purfe from my mafter, when he 
was enfign to our company in Flanders. [EMter Lord 
Hardy.] My Jord, I am your Icn-dfliip's humble fer* 
vant* 

Lii, H. Sir 9 ^our humble fervant. But, pray, my 
good familiar fhend, how came von to be fo very muck 
my humble fervant allof a fudden ? 

Trim. I beg pardon, dear fir ; my lord^ I am not 
your humble fervant. 

U. H.liof 
: Trim, Yes, my lord, I am ; but not as you mean— 
btit I am— I am, my lord«— — >In fliort, I am over** 
}oyed. 

• La, H. Overjoyed ! thou art diftrafted— — What 
iils the fellow f Where is Campley*8 font ? 

Trim, Oh, my lord one would not think it was in 
him ! Mr. Campley is really a very great poet — Ai 
for the fong, it is only as they all end in rhyme— owe, 
woe ; ifles, kifles ; boy, joy — but, my lord, the other 
in long heroic blank verfe : [Reading it ivitJh a great 
i&ke,] Pray pay to Mr. William Trim, or order, the 

fum of How fweetly it runs ! — Padolian guineas 

chink in every line. t 

U. H, How very handfomely this was done in 
Campley ! I wondered, indeed, ne was fo willin? to 
ftew his verfes. In how carelefs a manner that fellow 
does the greatefl aflions ! 

Trim, My lord, pray, my lord, fhan't I go imme- 
diately to Cutpurfe's ? 

Ld, H. No, firrah ; now we have no occafion for it, 

Trim, No, my lord, only to flare him full ia the 

Face after I have received this money, not fay a word, 

but keep my hat on, and walk out : or, perhaps, not 

Itear, if any I meet with fpe^ to me : but grow itif^ 

deaf. 



T H E F U N E R A U is 

^aFy and ifaort*fighted to all tny old acqiiaintance, 
like a fudden rich man as X am $ or, perhaps, my 
lord, defire Cutpurfe's derk to let me leave ifty 
pocmds at their houfe, pa)'able to Mr. William Trim, 
or order— ^11 I come that way— or a month or two* 
hente, ■ may have occafion for it — I don't know what 
fcdllf may be drawn opon me-» — Then, when the 
deric begms t« ftare at me, till he pulls the great 
goofe quiil from behind his ear, [Pulls m handful of 
farthing 0«f.] i fail a reckoning the pieces, as 1 dio 
thefe farthings. 

Ld, H. Well, firrahy you may have your humour, 
bat be fare you take fourfcore pounds, and .pay my 
debts immediately — if you meet any officer you ever 
fee me in company with, that looks grave at Ciit- 
purfe's houfe, tell him I'U fpeak with him — We mull 
help our. friends— -But learn moderation, you rogue> 
in your ?ood fortune ; be at home all the evening . 
after, while i wait at Tom's to meet Campley, in or- 
der to fee lady Charlott e i > ■ 

My §ood or ill in her alone is found. 

And in that thought all other cares are drown'd. 

[Exit. 

Trim, Oh dear, dear, three hundred pounds. [Exit, • 
Enter Sable, Lord Bnimpton, and Trufty. 

Salf^, Why, my lord, you can't in confcience put • 
me oS fo; I mufl do according to my orders, cut 
, you up, and embalm you, except you'll come down 
a little deeper than you talk of; you don't confidcr 
the charges I have been at already* 
• Ld, B. Charges ! for what ? 

Sub. Firft, twenty guineas to my lady's woman 
for notice of your death, ^a fee I've before now known 
the widow herfelf go halves in) but no matter for 
that — ^in the next place, ten pounds for watching you 
all your long fit of ficknefs laft winter ■ 

Ld, B* Watching me ? Why I had none but my 
own fervants by turns. 

Sah, I mean attending to give notice of your death. 
Ivhad \ali your long fit of ficknefs, laft winter, at half 
a crown a dayi a fellow waiting at your gate to brine 
meintelligence^ butyou unfortunately recovered, and 
I loft all my obliging pains for your tervice^ 

B l-»d* IB; * 



a5 T H B P U N E H A L: 

LI. B. Ha! ba ! ha! Sable, cbofu^n a very im. 
pudent fellow. Half a crown a day to attend my de« 
ceafe> and doft tbou reckon it to me i 

SaB. Look yon, gentlemen, don't ftand flaring- at 
me<— — I bave a book at bome^ wbicb I -call my 
<loomrday-book, wbere I bave every man of quality^iL 
1^ and diftemper in town, and know wben ytta^ 
f£)iild drop— *— Nay, my lord^ if yon. had refloAel} 
upon your mortality, balf fo mncbJaB poor I bave-far 
yoa, you woitld not defire to return > to life tkus ■ ■ 
in ihort, I cannot keep this a fecret, under tbe whole 
money I am to bave for buryinj^' yoii. 

Ld. B. Trufly, if you think it fafe in yon to obey 
my orders after the deed Puzzle told bis ciei^ of, pay ' 
it him— — • 

Truf. I ibould be glad to give it out of my ovra 
pocket, rather than be witboot the fatisfadion of iee* 
lag yon witnels to it. 

Ld. B. I heartily believe thee, dear Truity 
Sab. Then, my lord, the fecret of your bemg aliva 
is now fafe with me. 

Tru/. ril warrant Pll be revenged of this unconfci* 

enable dog. [JJtde,'] My lord, you muft to your 

clofet I fear fomebody*s coming ■ ^ 

[Exeunt Sab. ont^cyy and Ld. B. tf«</Trufty another. 
Scene draws and dtfco*vers Lady Charlotte reading at 

a tabU Lady Harriot plee^ing at a glafs to and 

fro, and vieniusng berfelf* 

Z. Ha. Nay, good fage filler, yon may as well talk 
to me, [Looking at htrfelf as Jhe /peaks, ] as fit ftarin r at 
a book, which I know you can't attend—- Good 1^1. 
Lucas may have writ there what he pleafes, but there's 
no putting Francis Lord Hardy, now Earl of Brump* 
ton, out of your head, or making him abfent from 
your tyti. Bo but look on me now, and deny it if 
you can. 
L. Cb. You are the maddefl girl [Smiitng. 

L. Ha. Look ye, I knew you could not fay it, and 
forbear laughiilg — [Looking over Charlotte.]-— Oh, I 
fee his name as plain as you do— -F— *r— a— n Fran, 
c-i-s cis, Francis, 'tis in every line of the book. 

Z. Ch. [Rijing.'] 'Tis in vain, I fee,, to mind any 
thing in fuch impertinent company*-«>but granting. 

'twere 



THE FUN£RAL/ tf 

*tivefc as you fay, as to my lord Hardy, 'rii AioM ex** 

cufablc to admire aoocher, than one'* felf 

L. Ha, No, I think not- Yes, I grant yoti thart 
really to be vain at one's perfon, bat I donl't aditum 

myfclf Pi(h ! I don't bfelicrve my eyes have tha^ 

foftnefs— [Z^wi/iM- in the glafs.'\ Th€y att^tfo pier- 
cing : no, 'tis only ituff, the men will be talking 
Some people are foch admirers of teetk^liord, what 
Unifies teeth I {^brwing b€t Ueth,} A Veiy-black-i^ 
moor has as white teeth a» I-..— Mo, fifte*-; I don*^ 
admire Ayielf,but L've a fpirit of cdntradidion in me :f 
I don't know I'm in love with iiiyielf,-only to rincL 
the men— — 

L. Of. Ay, but Mr. Cam^ef ^H jgiitt 'gmufid 
cv'n of that rival of his, yoUr di^M f " ' /^ ' * ''■ ^ '■-'■' 

L. Ha, OWr what have I dbde-to' yoii/ that ydtf 
ihoald name that iniblentiiitnid^^A'CfllMdeht opi-^. 

nionative fop No, indeed, if I ?un, as a pddtictf 

liovrr of mkie fighed and fung of botfh' feites. 

The pubuc envy, and the public care.- . I 
I (han't be fo eafily ca«ched--{ thftnk him—- I want 
but to be fure, I fkou'd heartily t^^metlt him, by ba- 
niihing him, and then conlidey vii'hether ke fhouid 
depart this life or net. 

L.C/f. Indeed, fifter, to be fcriotis i«r(A you, thk 
vanity in your humour does not at all bed^fhe'you, 

L, Ha. Vanity ! All the mattver is, we gay people 
are more fincere than you wiib' folks : all your life's 
an art — Speak your foul — Look you there-* [^stoA^jf 
JIfer t§ thegia/s.] Are you not ib*uck with a ftfCfet pkaw 
fure, when you view that bloom in your look, that 
harmony in your fhape, that promptitude of your 
mien ! 

L. Ch. Well, fimpleton, if I am at £rft fo filly aa 
to be a little taken witli myfelf, I kriOw it a fault, 
and take pains to correcl it. 

L. Ha. Pfliaw! pfhaw ! talk this rauAy tale to 
old Mrs. Fardingale, 'tis too foon for xfie to think at 
that rate. 

Z. Ch, They that think it too foori to underftani 
themfelves, will very foon find it too late — But tdl 
me honeftly, don't you like Campley ? 

L. Ha. The fellow is not to be abhorred, if the 
• - B 2 ^;i\^^\^ 



«& THE FUNERAL, 

forward (hing did not think of getting me fq eafiTy— ' 
Oh» I hate a heart I can't &eak when I pleafe — 
What makes the valae of dear china, but that 'tis 
fo brittle !— were it not for that, you might as welt 
have ftonc mugs in your clofe t 

L. Ch. Hift> hiil, here's Fardingale. 
: Enter Fardingale. 

Far, Lady Harriot, lady Charlotte— >I'I1 entertain 
you now ; I've. a new ibng, juft come hot out of the* 
poet's brain. Lady Charlotte, my coufin Campley 
writ it« and it's fet to a pretty air^ I warrant yoo. 

.£• Ha^ 'Tis like to be pretty indeed, of his writ- 
ing. [Flings enuaj, 
;, ^or. Co^, come, this is not one of your tringham 
trangham, witty things, that your poor poets write ; 
no, *u& 'we\l ^ known $ky. couiin Campley has two 
tbo^fand pounds a yeaF«-But jthis is ali.diffimulation 

L, Cb. 'Tis fo indeed, for your couiin's fbng's very 
pretty, Mrs. Fardingale. [Reads. 

. Let not love on me befiow. 

Soft diftreis, and tender woe ; . 

I know non^ but fubftantial bliiTes, 

Eager glances, folid kiffes ; 

I know not what the lovers feign. 

Of finer pleafure mix*4 with pain ; 

Then pr'ythee ^ive me, gentle boy. 

None of thy grief, but all thy joy. 
But Harriot thinks tliat a little unreafonable, to ex* 
pe£t one without enduring t'other. 

Enter Sewant, 

Ser, There*s your coufin Campley to wait on yon 
without—-^ 

Far. Let him come in— we (hall have the fong 
now 

Enter Campley. 

Camp, Ladies, your moft obedient fervant— »Your 
fervant, ladyCharlolte — Servant, ladyHarriot — [Har- 
riot looks grave upon him.'\ What's the matter, dear lady 
Harriot — Not well ? 1 protell to you I'm mightily 
concerned — [Pulls out a bottle *'\ This is a mofl excel- 
lent fpirit— fnufFit up, madam. 



THE funeral! »5 

L* Ha, Pi(h— the familiar coxcomb frets mc Aear- 

tily J' . . ; 

Camp. 'Twill be over, I hope, immediately. 

L, Cb, Your cou&n Fardingale has (hewtt us fbme 
of your poetry ; there's the fpiiinet, Mr. Campley, 
I know you're mufical. ; v ; - 

Camp. You (hould not have called it my poetry. "■ 

Far. Who waits there — Pray bring my livl^ oiu of 
tKe next TOOVCi-^^Enter /em.mnt imth a tutre,') Vtii^muft 
know I conn 'd this fong before I came in,'and find it 
.will go to an excellent air of old Mr. LaWs*s, whowas 
■fnv mother's intimate acqiKiintance : my mother's, 
wnat do I talk of f I mean my grand-mother's^— Oh, 
here's the Jute- Coufm Campky, bo^d the «fong upon 
your hat. [^JJide to him.l 'Tis a pretty gallantrjitlcaia. 
relation. 

Sings and fyualts-* i 

Let not love, fitc. ."".'.;,''. 

Oh, I have left off thcfe things jiiany a.day. 

Camp, No ; I profcfs, madam> you do it adfnirabljf 
.—'but arc no« aflurfcd enough — Take it Jiigharrrf/^ 
ker^ o<wn /qualt\\ — Thus-— I know your voice vviJLl 
•bear it. . . ' , .»•..*. 

L'JIa. Oh, hideous I Qh, thegrofs flatterer— J fliall 
burft~Mfs. Faniingale, pray goon, the mi\iic /us 
the words raoil aptly — Take it-higher, .as your cou- 
fih advifes. r " , 

Far. Q\\i dear madara.* do? yoU' really like it^— I do 
It purely to pleaie you— for I can't fing, alas I ij 

L, Ch. We know it, good n^adara, we know, it— r 
But pray— 7- , , . 

Far^ Let not love, -and fubftaptlal bliA'es, jsjiycly 
enough, and rari accordingly in tho t\\ne>.|C};^r//<'f 
to the cofftpafty.] Now I took it l^igl>^itv.. , ;t j .^.■, ,.> 

L, Ha. Incomparably don(8> moth ing,cadafCq[uatlt3j 
except your coufm far.g his own poetry. ^ " 

* Camp. Madam, from my lord Hski'dy^lpiiivers^a 

• kfier U) Lady Charlotte.] How do- you Oy, niy lady 
Jtlarriot, except I iing, it myfelf ! tliea I'^Uie^yjjij 

•I will.. . . .. ■■ i : *; ; • -.n •■' ■■••i^ 

X. G^'. I han't pat.ien<;e, I mttftgaf.ea4 ^y fe^ter^ 

• . ^-^ ■ ■ .; .; ... . -^ ^■.i;^..^./^^VN 



30 THE FUNJERAL. 

C^m^* {^4^/^] JLet not love. Sec. 
Far. Blefs me, what's become of lady Charlotte f 

[Extf. 

L. Ha. Mrs. Fan}ingale, Mrs. Fardingale, what, 

;Bioft we Jofe you ? [Cainpley rum to tbt doar^ taht the 

kty out, and locks her /«.} What ^eans thisinfolencei 

a plot upon me. Do yoq knpw who I am ? 

Crnitfu Ye«, madam, you^re my lady Harrio.t Love- 
:ly, with ten choufand pounds in your pocket ; and 1 
amr Mry :Campley, with two thoufand a year— of 
quality enough to pretend to ypu— And I do deiign, 
Jhefore I leave this room, to hear you talk like a rea- 
ibnable woman ^ as nature hfts made you* Nay, 'tis 
in vain to flounce, and difcompofe yourfelf and your 
Anft. . 

Z. Ha. If there are fwords, if they are men of 
honour, and not aJl daftards, cowards that pretend 
to this injured perfen lRim»i»jj; round tl$ roan. 

Camp, Ay, ay, madam, let 'em come—That's put* 
ting me in my way, fighting's my trade— but you*ve 
vfea all mankind too ill to expe^ fo much fervict 
in ihort, madam, were you a fool, I fhould not deiire 

to expoftulate with you • [Seizing her hand. 

L* Ha, Unhand me, ravifher — \?uUs her hand from 
him, and runs round the room, Campley after her. 
Camp, But, madam, madam, madam, why madam ! 
Pr'ythee, Cynthia, look behind you, ISings. 
Age and wrinkles will o'ertake you. 
L: Ha, Age, wrinkles, fmall-pox, nay, any thing 
that's moft ahhorrent to youth and bloom, were wel- 
come in the place of fo detefled a creature. 

Camp, No fuch matter. Lady Harriot ; I would not 
be a vain coxcomb, but I know 1 am not deteftable, 
nay, know where you've faid as much before you un- 
derftood me for your fervant. Was I immediately 
transformed becaufe I became your lover ? 

L, Ha. My lover, fir ? did I ever give you reafbn 
tQ think I admitted you as fuch ? 

Camp. Yes, you did in your ufing me ill— for if yon 

did not aflurae upon the fcore of my pretending to 

you, how 4o you anfwer yourfelf fome parts of your 

behaviour to me as a gentleman — 'Tis trivial all this 

in voii. and derogates froia xiit ^ocAC^ixCe I know yoq 



THRPUNEKAU 31 

miiSre^flof. Do but cc^nfiderji madam, I have long 
loved you — bore with this fantallic humour through 
al| its masses — Nay, do not town — for 'tis no better 
—I fay, I have bore with this humour, but would 

r>u have Aie with an unmanly fervitude feed it ? — No, 
lave mtk too iincere, too honed a devotion, and 
would have your mind as fanltlefs as vour perfon, 
w^iick 'tvvould be, if vou'li lay ailde this vanity of 
being purfued with iighfij with flatteries, with noii- 

fenfe. [S^e njoalks ahut UJs violent ly, hut morw 

€9nfufid,'\ Oh, my heart akes at the difturbance which 
I give her, but flie miilt not fee it — \Afide.'\ Had I 
not better teJI you of it now, than when you are in 
»y p<iwer ; I fliould be then too generous to thwart 
your inclinatioQ. . 

. . . J&. Hm*. That is indeed very handfom«ly faid. Why 
ihottU I not obey reafon as foon as I fee \x.^\AfideA 
^i«ce fi>, Mr. Campley, I can as ingenuouuy as \ 
Aouid ithen, acknowledge that I have been in an 
•rror. \Lo9king down on her fan^ 

Camp. Nay, that's too great a condefcenfion. Oh^ 
ejBcellcnce ! I repent ! I iee 'twas but juftice in yon to 
demand my knees, [lateeli^g,} my fighs, my con^ 
ftant, tendereil regard and fervice— And yon fhaU 
have *em, fmce you arc above 'em— — — - 

Z. Ha* Nay, Mr. Campley, you ^ont recal v^t to 
t fault you have ib lately (hewn ine«— — I will not fuf* 

fer this no more ecflafies! But pray, fir, wha^ 

was't you did to get my fifter out of the room ? 

Camp. You may know it, and I muft deiire you to 
aflift my Lord Hardy there, who writ to her by me—* 
For he is no ravifher, as you called me Juil now.— ^ 
— ■ ■■ 'j - H e is now in the houfc— An^ 1 would fain 
gain an interview- 



.L. Ha. That th^y may. have — But they'll m^ke 
little ufe of it : for the tongue is the in&rnmcnt of 
Q)eech to us of a lower form ; they are of that high 
order of lovers, who know none but eloquent iilence, 
and can utter themfelves only by a geflure that fpeaks 

their paffion inexpreflible — ^ and what not fine 

things. 

Camp. But pr4y let's go into your filter's dofet^ 
while they axie.coge(her» . 

B 4 UHa. 



TAB Ptf%^>JL£ 







riwriwiBttr ttmi hrrlddbrf Blif liiMuMP^ 
mi* dMik >BtiMti vM'd bt hi tko aMrita 

£il«fX^CInifaft|e.: .ct^*ii 



KM>^^;aJ^ wlMe il« smuts ue- 



C. C^ I tUik t kwrc lettcts Iran ]fm» 
tA ITs t !^«fe TQiilMivew «i»AaKi* and ik 



1. riv Mv Vm4 ? [IW^/.^ 
^^i.M idix-^K isx "^tr.x i^sivt vo^ 6mt 



THE' F U N E R^ A L/ y^ 

^trgiantf are fuch as make you jo Illy regret' yoar 
Xtiaving that place. 

Z</. H. There is a perfon in England may make 
Hiofc lofles infenfible to me. 

L. Ch. Indeed, my lord, there have fo very few 
of quality attended. his majefty in the war, that your 
birth and merit may well hope for his favour. 

Ld, H, I have, indeed, all the zeal in the world 
for his majelly^s fervice, and mrtft grateful alFedion 
for his perfon, but did not then mean him. 

L. Ch. But can you indeed impartially fay that 
bur fland is really preferable to the reft of the worlds' 
or is it an arrogance only in us to- think fo ? J 

Ld. //. I protefs, madam, that little I hai^e- ktt^ 
has but more endeared England to me ; for that 
medley of huriiours which perhaps diftrafls our pub- 
lic affairs, does, methinks, improve our private live*^ 
and makes converfation more various, and confe- 
quently more pleafir.g — Every where elfe, both inen 
and things have the fame countenance^— tn Prance 
you meet with much civility and little friendfliip ; ia 
Holland, deep attention, hut little reflexion ;' in 
Italy, all iJfcafure, but no mlrth-^But here with ua, 
where you have every where pretenders, or maiters in 
every thing, you can't fall into company, wherein 
you Ihall not be inftrudled or diverted. 

L\ Gh, Tnevcr had an account of any thing from 
ybti*, niy lord, but 1 mourned the lofs of my brotherj 
you Would have been fo happy a companion for him*^ 
With^ that right fenfe of yours — My lord, you need 
not bow fo obfequioully, for I do you but jullice ■ \ 
But 'you fent me word of your feeing a lady in Italy 

Very like me Did you vifit her often ? , ». 

Ld.H, Once or twice, but I obferved her fo loof^^ 
a creature, that I could have killed her for having 
ytJUT perfon. • » ..{ 

Zr. Ch, I thank you, fir ; but Heaven that prA 
fcrves me unlike her, will, 1 hope, make her more 
like me — But your fellow-traveller— His relations 
themfelvies know not a ju!l account of him. 

Lii, H, The original caufe of his fever was a violent 

paffion for a fine young woman he had not powcr'^^l^ 

B 5 ... ..^^:ii^ 



54 THE FUNERAL. 

Ipcak to— bet I told her his regard for her as paf* 

nonately as poffible. 

L* Ci, Yea were to him, what Mr. Campley has 
been to yoa — Whither am I raaaing— ^Poor — your 
friend — Poor gentleman. 

L^. H. I hope, then, as Campley's eloquence ia 
greater, (o has been his foccefs. 
I. Cb. My kird ? 
U. H. Your ladyflap's. 

Eutir Lady Harriot. 
L, Ha. Undone ! undone ! Tattelaid has /bund, 
\y ione means or other, that Campley brought my. 
Lord Hardy hither ; we are utterly ruined, my lzdy\ 

coming 

LJ. H, ni flay and confront her* 

L, Cb. It mu& not be we are too much in her 

power. 

Enter Campley. 
Camp. Come, come, my lord, we're routed horfe 
tad foot*— Down the back ftairs, and fo out. 

{ExeunU 
Ladies. Ay, ay 

L. Ha, I tremble every joint of me~- 
L. Ch. I'm at a (land a little, but rage will recpvcr 
me ; file's coming in— 

Entir Widow. 
Wid. Ladies, your fervant — I fear I interrupt you, 
have yoa company ? la^Ay Harriot, your fervant,^ Lady 
Charlotte, your fervant ? What, not a word— Oh, I 
beg your ladyfliip's pardon — Lad^ Charlotte did I fay I 
My young Lady Brumpton, I wifh you joy. 

L. Cb, Oh, your fervant. Lady Dowager Brump-^ 
ton— — ^That's an appellation of much more joy ta 
you— — 

^id. So fmart, madam ; but you fiiould, methinks» 
have made one acquainted — Yet, madam, your coa« 
du^ is feen through — — 
Z. Cb. My condud. Lady Brumpton I 
Wid. Your condud. Lady Charlotte I 

\Coming up to eatb other^ 
£. Cb. Madam, 'tis you are feen through all yoor 
thin difguifes 
Wid. Ifeea? By whoa! 

l.Cb. 



THE FUNERAL. sj 

L, Cb. By an all-piercing eye ; nay, by what yoa 
much more fear, the eye of the world— The world 
fees you, or Ihali fee you : it (hall know your fecret 
in temperance, your public falling-*-Loofe poems in 
your clofet, an homily on your toilette — Your eaiy 
ikiiiul pradlifed hypocrify, by which you wrought on 
your huiband bafely to transfer the truft and ward of 
us, two helplefs virgins, into the hands and care of— 
I cannot name it— You're a wicked wonun. 

Z. Ha. [Jfide.'] Oh, rare fifter! 'Tis a fine thin^ 
to keep one's anger in (lock by one % we that are 
angry and pleafed every half hour, have nothinfi; ac 
all of this high-flown tury ! Why, ihe rages like %■ 
princefs in a tragedy ! Bleffings on her tongue 

H^iJ. Is this the effedk of your morning ledures^ 
your felf-examinaiion, all this fury. 

L, Cb. Yes, it is, madam ; if I take pains toffi^ 
vern my pailions, it ihall not give licence to others to 
govern 'em for me— * 

Wid. Well, lady Charlotte, however you ill deferve 
it of me, I ihall take care, while there are locks and 
bars, to keejp you from Lord Hardy — From beinj a 
leger lady, from carrying a knapfack. 

L.Cb, Knapfack! Do you upbraid the povertjr 
your own wicked arts have brought him to— Knap- 
fack ! Oh, grant me patience, can I hear this of tho 
man I love i Knapfack ! I have not words. 

[Stamfs about tb$ room* 

Wi4. I leave you to eool upon it ; love and anger 
32% very warm paffion* [ExiW 

L. Ha, She has locked us in 

L.Cb. Knapfack! Well, I will break walls to go^ 
to him — * I could fit down and cry my eyes out ! Dear^, 

* fifter, what a rage have I been in ?' Knapiack I I'll 
give vent to my juft refentment— Oh„ how (hall I 
avoid, this bafe woman> how meet that excellent 
man ! ' What, an belpleia condition are you and I;ia. 

* now ? If we run into the world, that youth and in* 
'nocence, which ihould demand affiftance, does but 

* at tra& invaders. Will Providence guard us? How 

* do I fee that our fex is naturally indigent of pro« 
^ te^Uoni.'— Lhope 'tit in fate to crown our loves ; 

B 6. for 



56 T H.E F U N E R AL. 

fir it is Only in the protection of men bf honooF^ thatr 
we are naairally* truly (die; 
■ ' And woman's happlnefsy for all her fcorn, 
' Is only by ihac iiae whence ihe was born.' 

ExeunU 



" ACT IIL 

, Entir Lord Hardy, Campley, and TrinK ' 
Ld. H* '"T^flAT jade Tattelaid faw me upon the 
X ^airs, for I had not. patience to keep 
my concealment, but muft peep out lo fee what was 
become jof you. 

Caiap, But we have advke, however^ it feems, from 
the garrifon already — this miilrefs of Trim's is a 
Blighty lucky accident 

f r//ff. Ay, gentlemen, (he has &ee cgrefs and re- 
grefs, and you know the French are the bell bred 
people in the world— fiie'll be affiftant — but, 'faith, 
i have one fcruple that hangs about me— and that is 
-HLook you, my lord, we fervants have no makers 
in tlieir abfence — In a word, when I am with made-, 
moi Telle, I talk of your lordfliip as only a particular 
acquaintance, that I do bufinefs indeed for you fome- 
timcs— I muil needs fay, cries I, that indeed my 
Lord Hardy is really, a perfon 1 have a great honour 
for. 

: Ld. H Pi(h ! is that all ? I underftand you — 
your mliliefs does not know that you do me the ho- 
nour to clean my fhoes or fo, upon occafioa— -Pr'y- 
thee. Will, make yourfelf as confiderable as you 
pleafe. 

^'rfjn. Well then, your leflbn is this— She out 
of her refpefi to me, and underftanding Mr. Camp- 
icy was aft intimate of my friend my Lord Hardy, 
and condefcending (though flie is of a great lioufe in 
France) to make mantua's for the improvement of the 

Englifh which gives her eafy admittance — She, I 

fay, moved by thefe promifes, has vguchfafed to 
Itriflg abetter from my Lady Harriot to Mr. Campley, 
and caipe to n^e to bring her to him* You ate to nn- 
deriland ^fo, that (i\e is drefljed in tlie lateil French 

^ ^VLt J 



T H.K FUNE B X C; J7 

cut; )ier4reis is the model of their habit» atid frerfelf 
of their manners— for flie is—* But^yon (hall fee her—* 
r= • ■' » : ..-.■. [Exit. 

: .hd,\N^ This gives me (bine life !— Cheer up, 
Tom-^but behold the folemnicy— Do you fee Trim's 
gallantry I I ihall laugh put. 

Enter Trim hading in Mademoifelle. 
. Tr//«. My dear Lord Hardy, this is Mademoifelle 
d^Epingle, whofe name you've often heard me figh— 
[Lord Hardy falutes her.] Mr. Campley— Made- 
moifelle d'Epihgle. [Campley yfe/i^/w her. 

Mad* Yotre fervante," gentlemen^ votpe fervante— 

Camp, I proteft to you, I never faw any thing fb 
becomiag as your drefs— Ihall I beg the favour you'd 
-condefcend to let Mr. Trim lead you once round the 
room, that I may admire the elegance of your habit— 

[Trim leads her round, 

Ld. H, How could you aflc fuch a thing ? 

Ca?np. Pfliaw, my lord, you're -a baShful Ehgliih 
fellow — You fee fhe is not furprifed at it> but thinks 
me gallant in defiring it — Oh, madanl, yciur air \ — 
The negligence, the difengagement of your manner ! 
Oh, how delicate is your noble nation — ' I.fwear, 

* there's none but the clumfy Dutch and Englifli 

* would oppofe fuch polite conquerors'— -When 
ihall you fee an Englifh woman fo drefied ? 

Mad, De Ertglife rpoor:barbarians, poor favages, 
dey know no more of de dre(s, but to cover dcre na- 
kcdnefs [X^lides along the room,'] Dey be cloded, bat 
»o dreffed — But, Moniieur Terim, which Monfieur 
Campley?, : 

Trim. That's honeft Tom Cample y - - 

Camp. At your fervice, mademoifelle ^ 

; Mad, I fear I incur de cenfure, [Pulling out" the let* 
ter, and recclleSiing as loth to deli'ver />.] but Mr*/ 
Terira being ypur intimate friend, and I defigning to 
honour him in de way of an huAwind — So, {o, how do 
I run away in difcourfe— .— I never make promife td 
Mr. Terira before, and now do it par accident — 

Camp, Dear Will Trim is extremely obliging 'in 
having prevailed upon you to do a thing, that the fe- 
verity of your virtue, and the greatnefs-of ydw-qua-* 
lity, *, (though ailranger in the county yq\x\^53^>5 Vr*^ 



St THE FUNERAL. 

^ noor by yoor dwelling ia it)' would not let ytia 
€Ckerwir<^ cxMidefcend t o - ■ f 
• Mail, Oh, monfieur ! Oh» mmifiear ! you fpeak 
my very thought8-^Oh,i I don't know llow 1 Pardon 
mc to give a billet— it lb look ! Oh fy ! I cannot flay 
after it— [Drops it, runs. affeStdfy to the other end of 
the room, then qniie out, re-enters.] I beg ten thoufand 
pardons for go fo mal*a-propo9. [Cmrtfot at going. 

Ld, H. Your fervant, good madam — Mr. Trim, 
you know you command here-*-" — pi^Xt ^^ Madame 
d'EpingJe will honour mir-^ottage with longer ftay, 
wait on her in and * exuertain her — Pray, fir, be 
free \ 

Trim. My lord, you khtsw your power over me, Pm' 
an complaifance ■ \Leads her out. 

Camp. Now to my dear cpiftlc 

^* Sir, 

" There is one thing which you were too generous 
to touch upon in our lad converfation -^We have 
reafon to fear the widow's prances in relation to our 
fortunet i^ ypu are not too quick for her — I a(k lady 
Charlotte whether this is not her fenfe to Lord Hardy- 
She fays nothing, but lets me write on Thefe 

people always have, and will have admittance every 
where, therefore we may hear from you* 
I am. Sir, 

Your moil obedient fervant, 

Harriot Lovely. **^ 
My obedient fervant I Thy obedience fhall ever be as 
voluntary a^ now— ten thoufand thoufand kiifes on 

thee Thou dear paper Look you, my lord 

——What a pretty hand it is ? 

Ld, H. Why, Tom, thou doft not give me leave 

to fee it you fnatch it to you» mouth fo you'll 

fiifle the poor lady 

Camp. Look you, my lord, all along the lines, here 
went the pen, and through the white intervals her 
fnowy fingers. Do you fee, this is her name— ^^^ — 

Ld* H. Nay, there's lady Charlotte's name too ifr 

the midft of the letter Why, you'll not be fo un^ 

confcionable you're fo greedy, you'll give me one 

kiis furt 



THE FUNERAL. $9 

Camp. Well, you ihall, but you're To eager— 4on't 
bite me — for you Ihan't have it in your own hands-^ 
there, there, there — Let go my hand— — 

LJ. H, Whit an exquifue pleafure there is in 
this foolcry.-i But what (hall we do ? 

Camp, 1 have a thought ; pr'ythee, . my lord« call 
Trim. 

U. H, Ha, Trim 

Camp. Hold* Mr. Trim^Yoa forget his miftrefs is 
there. 

LJ. H. Gra'mercy —Dear Will Trim, ftep in hi- 
ther. 

Camp, Ay, that's fomething r— [EnUr Trim J 

Trim, have not I feen a young woman fometimes 
carry Madame d'Epingle's trinkets for her^ coming 
from my lady Brumpton's. 

Trim. Yes, you might have feen fuch a one, fhe 
waits for her now. 

Camp. Do you think you could not prevail for m« 
to be drefled in that wench's clothes and attend your 
miitrefs in her ftead thither ? They'll not dream wo 
ihould fo foon attempt again. 

Trim. Yes, I'll engage. 

Camp. Then,we'll truft the red to our good genius } 

I'll about it inftantly Harriot Lovely— 

[Exeunt f kijjiug tbeUtUr. 
Enter Widow and Tattleaid. 

JVid. This was well done of you ; be fare you take 
care of their young ladyfhips ; you ihall, I promife 
you, have a fnip in the fale of them. 

Tat. I thank your good lady (hip. 

Wid. Is that the porter's paper of how-d'yc's ? 

Tat. Yes, Madam> he juft fent it up ; his general 
anfwer is, that you are as well as can be expected \xk 
your condition ; but that you fee nobody. 

WiJ. That's right — [Reading names] Lady Riggle^ 
Lady Formal — Oh, that Riggle ! a pert ogler — an in* 
difcreet, filly thing, who is really known by no man» 
yet for her carriage juftly thought common to ail ; 
and as Formal has only the appearance of virtue, {q 
fhe has only the appearance of vice ' ■ ' What 

' chance, I wonder, put thefe contradi£Uons to each 
f Other into the fame coach^ as yoa fay they call^/ 



'^o. THE FUNERAL. 

—Mrs. Frances and Mrs. Winnifred Glebe, who are 
they? 

7af. They arc the conntry great fortunes, have 
hecn out of town this whole year ; they are thofe 
whom your ladyHiip faid upon being very well-bom, 
took upon them to be very ill breJ.^ 

I/IJ. J)id I fay fo ? Really I think it was apt 
enough; no\v I remember them~Lady WriirLle : 
Oh, that fm«ig old woman ! therein no enduring her 
afteflation of youth ; but I plague her ; I always- a(k 
whether, her datlghter in Wiltmire. has a grandchild 

yet or not * Lady Worth : I can't bear her 

« company, (he has fo much of that virtue in her 
• heart, which I have in my mouth only- [Jfide.y 
^—.Mrs. After-day : Oh, that's (he that was the 
great beauty, the mighty loaft about town, that's juft 
come out of the fm all-pox ; fhe is horribly, pitted, 
they fay ; I long to fee her, and plague her widi my 
condolence. ''I'is a pure ill-natured fatisfadion to 
fee one that was a beauty unfortunately move wilh 
the fame languor, and foftnefs jof behaviour, that 
once was charming in her ; to fee, I fay, her mortify, 
that ufed to kill ; ha, ha, ha I The reft are a* ca- 
talogue of mere names or titles they were born to ; 
an infipid Croud of neither good nor bad. But you 
are fure thefe oth&r ladies fufpecl not in the leaft that 
I know of I heir coming i 

Tat, No, dear Madam ; they are to a(k for me. 

IP^i^^l hear a coach [Exit Tat. J I have now 

an exquifite pleafure in the thought of forpaffing my 
Lady Sly, who pretends to have out-grieved the whole 
town for her huiband. They are certainly coming. Oh. 
no! here let me-i-thus let me fit and think — [Widow 
$'ti, her couch ; ivbili Jb^ is raving, as to her/elf. Tattle- 
aid yc»/?/v introduces tbs ludiesS\ Wretched, difconfo* 
lato^s 1 am ! Oh, welcome, welcome, dear, killing 
anguilh \ Oh, that I could lie down and die in my 
prefent heavinefs ! But what — how? Nay, my dear, 
dear lord, why do you look fo pale, fo ghaftly at me ? 
Wottoo, Wottoo I fright thy own trembling, ll«iver- 
ing wife— — 

^at. Nay, good Madam, be comforted. 

fFid. ThCu (halt uot Kave m e . \JP^|hf4 Tat. 



THE FUNERAL. 4,1 

Tai, Nay, good Madam, 'tis I, 'tis I, yoiir lady- 
ihip's own woman. 'Tis 1, Madam, that drefs yotf, 
talk to you, and tell you all that's dione in the houfe 
every day ; 'tis I ■ 

, ff^U. h it then poflible f Js it then poffible that I 
am left ? Speak to roe not, hold me not ; I'll break 
.the liftening walls with my complaints. [Looh /ur-^ 
.prifed atfieing tke cwtpat^, then frvertlj ^Tactleaid.] 
AhTattleaidl — -. 

I La. Nay, Madam, be not angry at her; we^ 
would come in fpite of her ; we are your friends,. and 
are as concerned as you are. 

Wid. Ah, Madam, Madam, Madam, Madam, I 
am an undone woman ! Oh« me ! alas, alas ! Oh, Oh ^ 
.{All join in htr notes,] Ifwoon I I expire ! [Faint ju 
* 2 La, Pray, Mrs. Tattleaid, bring fomething that 
is cordial to her. . [Mxii Ti^ttkalid^ 

3 La* Indeed, Madam, yo« (hould have patience ; 
Us iordOiip was old. To die is bat going before in 
a journey we muft all take. 
£/(/^ Tattleaid, loaded ^ith Bottles % idLa^tahf* M 

hoftle from her amd drinksm 
-. 4 Z^. Lord, hqw my Lady> Fleer drinks ! I-Wf 
jieard, .iadeed, but never could believe it of W.. 

,\DnnJu(^9, 

I La, Bat, Madam,, don't yo« heai! what tli^ t«wn 
iaysjof the jilt. Flirt, the m^vi liked, fomuch in the 
Fark f-r— Hark ye— —was (een with him in a hackr 
njcyiaoach— T-. 5 and filk ftockings*— key whole— —r 

his wig — on the chair [Whi/pers by interruption.* 

' 2 La* Impudent Hirt, to be found out 1 

J'iLtf. But I.fpeiak it only to you. .{ 

i 4 La, Nor I, but to one more. [ffJbiJpers next lAfoman^ 
. 5 La, I can't believe it ; nay, I always thpught it^ 
Madanu . . / . . [JfChi/pfnrthe. Widow; 

IFid. Sure 'tis impoilible ! the demure, prim thing 
t—Surc all the world is hyp6cri(y — —Well, I thsink 
my ftars, whatfoever fufferings I have, I;baye none in 
reputation'.' I wonder at.ihe men ; f could p^ver 
think her handfome.. $he has .really .'a- good ihap$ 
and copiplexion, but:no wien i^md-ino ^om&a (has 
the iifc.cf h*r. be%uty, wilhjwit^4iie«< ^jifr.fihii|»'»« 
arc* 4»nib, they want utterance. Bvxt >w\^\.Vva\ ^'ci^^. 
diftr^jftioa Jead me to tg^lk of ckarma ^ \ V*'^ 



4t T HS F U N. E R A L. 

I Lm. Charms ! a chit's, a gM's charms i-^-^-Came, 
let MS widows be true to ourie}ve&, keep our coante- 
nanoei and out charaders, and a fig for the maidft, I 
mean the unmarried. 

% La* Ay> fmoe they will fet up fin* our kaourledge, 
why flioild not we for their ignorance i 

5 La. 'But> Madam> o' Samlay niorniagat chnrch, 
Jcurtiied to yon, and looked at a great fnft ini 
glaring light drefs, next pew. That ftrong, nuC- 
cvline thing is a knight's wife, pretends to all the 
tendemels in the world, and would fain pat the an- 
weildv upon us, for the foft, the languid. She has of 
a fudacn left her dairy, and fets ap £ot a fine town 
lady ; calls her maid Cifiy, her woman, ibeaks to her 
hy her fumame of Mrs. Chcrryfift, and her gitat 
ioot-ixnr of nineteen, big enough fi)r a trooper, ii 
ibippod into a laced coat, now Mr. Page» faruodu 

4 Lm. Oh, I have ieea her«^ Well, ikeartily pity 
fcaie people fiir thdr wealth ; they sdckt hawe beea 
unknown elfe^»— You woold die, Madaa, to lee her 
\ind her eqaipage : Ithooght'tfae iioaeft£tttiu, her 
horfes, were aihaned of their fineiy; they dragged 
oo, as if they wen all at plough, and a great hafli- 
AiMook'd booby behind, grafp'd the coach, as if Iv 
lud held one. 

5 La. Alas ! Ibme people think there is nothing 
but being fine to be genteel : but the high iinace of 
the horfes, and the brifk infolence of the Mivants ia 
mn equipage of quality, are inimitable : ' bat ta oar 
* own beafts and fervants.' 

I La. Now yoo talk of an equipage, I envy this 



lady the beauty ihe will a]^>ear in in a nsoannng 
coach, it will to become her complezioa ; I cooleft I 
myfelf mourned for two ycxn for no odier reafiic. 
Take up that hood there. ' Oh, that fair face with a 
veil ! [rAry Aiir mf Ur hmi. 

Wid. Fie, fie, la<)ies? But I have bars lold, 

indeed. Mack does become 

a La. Weff, Pll take the liberty to %eak it, there 
is yoQSg Nutbrain has Jcmg had (1*11 be ivam) a pai* 
fioa Ibr this ladr z bat FU tell voa osie duag 1 £bw 
Aic*lld2likt« ttak^iieisyoiB'gerthaaiKis. 

3 U- 



THE FUNERAL. 43 

3 La. No, that's no exception % bat I'll tell you 
ene, he is yoaoger than his brother. 

fFid. Ladies, talk not of foch afauv* Who could 
love fach an unhappy xelid at I am f But^ dear Ma- 
dam, what gronnds have you ^or that idle flory f 

4 La. Why, he toads you^ aod treml»ler where you 
are ipoke of. It muH be a »atch. 

PTid. Nay, nay, you rally, yea rally ; but I know 
you mean it kindly. 
1 La. I fwear we do. 

[Tattleaid njohifpers the Widow. 
. Wid. But I mufl befeech yon, ladies, (ince you 
have been fo compaffionate as to vifit aod accompany 
my forrow, to give me the only coinfort I can now 
know, to fee my fnend* cheaifal« and to honour an 
entertainment Tattleaid has prepared witlilA for you. 
.If I can find ftrength eooagh, rli attend ^yoo % hxsx I 
wUh you wonld excoie me, for I iiavo no relifti of 
^Md or joy, bat will try to get a bit down in my owA 
;cluuBber. 

1 La. There is no pleafare without ytim. 

Hnd. But, Madam, I muft beg of ydor ladyfliij) 
fiot to be fe importune to my fr«(h calamity, as to 
mention Nutbrain any more. I am inte there is no* 
tbixig in it. In love with me, ^noth-a ! [Is hd off. 

[Exeunt Ladies, (5r« 
Enter Mademoifelle, emd Campley in nvmen^s clothes, 
earring ker things. 

Mad. I am very glad to be in ae ladies anticham* 
ber; I was Earned of you, you yon fueh impudent 
look : befides, me wonder you were not feized by the 
conftable, when you pnihed de man into d«; kennel. 

Camf. Why, fliould I have let him kiifod me i 

Mad. No ; but if you had hit him wit fan, and &y^ 
why, fure, faucy-box, it been enough ; be{ide> what 
you bitted de gentleman for offer kiue me ? 

Camp. I beg pardon, I did not know you were 
pleafed with it. 

Mad. Pleafe ! no ; but me rader be kifle den you, 
Mr. Terim's friend be found out. Could not you 
fay, when lie Idife me, fure, fauce-box, dat's meat 
for your mailer. Bdides, you Iftke fuch flrides when 



44 THE FUNERAL, 

yoa walk-^Ob, fie I defe little pette tiny bits a wo* 
nan fteps. [5Arw/Wg- berftep. 

Camp. Butf pr'ythee, Madcmoiielle, why have you 

.loft your Englifh tongue, all of a fadden ? Methought, 
when the fellow called ua French whores, as we came 
along, and dud we came ^to fiance their own people, 
you eave him pretty plain Engliih ; he was a dog, a 
rafcal, you'd fend to the Hocks — — 

Mali, Ha, ha, ha ! I was in a paffion, and betray* 
ed myfelf ; but you are my lover's fHend, and a man 
of Jionour, therefore knoiv you will do nothing ta 

•injure us. Why, Mr. Campley, you muft know I 

- can fpeak as good Englifh as you ; but I don't, for 
fear of loiing my cuftomers : the Englifh will ne^er 
ffive.a price for any thing they nnderftand. Nay, I 
have known fome of your fools pretend to bay with 
eood-breeding, and give any rau, rather than not 
be thought to. have French enough to know what 
thoy are doing ; ' ftrange and far-fetched things they 
' only like; don't you fee how they fwallow galloni 
' of the juice of tea, while their own dock-leaves are 
*' trod Under foot,' Mum — my Lady Harriot. [£»• 
itr Ladf Harriot.] Madame* votre fenrante, ier^ 
.vante 

L*,H^. Well, Mademoifelle, did yoa deliver my 
letter ? 
^ Afc</, Oui 

Z.. Ha, Well, and how ? Is that it in your hand ? 
- 'Mad^ Oui^ — 

- Zr. Ha. Well, then., wKy don't you give it me? 

•. Mad, Oil, £e, lady ! dat be fo right Englife ; de 
Englife mind only dje words of de- lovers, but de word» 
of de lovers are often He, bat de aftion no lie. 

L, Ha, What docs the thing mean ? Give me a:;.* 
letter. 

Mad, Me did not deliver your letter. 

L, Ha. No ! 

Mad, No, mc tell you me did drop it to fee Mr. 
Campley, how cavalier take it up. As dcfc lae uiJ 
drop it, fo Monficur run to take it up. 

\l'hey both run to laks it up. Mad. takes it up^ 

Dus he do— — dsre de letter — —-Very w!:, 
)[cry well. O^. VatvvoviTl \Vu .«^ de mannvr lllr. 



T H^E FUNBRAX. 45 

Campley— Cake it up better than I ; do you no fee it i 
[^'hty both ruM, Harriot gets it. - 
L. Ha. ikiadi.'\ 

'* Madam» 
I am glad you have jnentioned what indeed I 
did not at that time think of, nor if I had, ihould I 
have known how to have fpoken of. But blefs me 
more than f^^tune can, by turning thofe fair eyet. 
upon» M«daQi> 

Your moft faithful^ 

Moft obedient humble fcrvant, 

Thomas Camplby.'* 
What does lie mean ?— But blefs me more» by turn* 
ing— — Oh, 'tis he himfelf I [LoeAing about, oif/erues . 
Camp, /miie-l Oh, the hoyden ! the romp ! -^ I did 
not think any thing could add to your native confi- 
dence ; but you look fo vtry bold in that drefs, and 
your arms mil off, and your petticoats, how they 

han g 

Cdmf. Mademoifelle youlez vouz de falvilLe I'eau 
de Hon^e, chez Monfieur Marcha^t de Montpelier 
— Dis for ywi r tee -t, -^\^Shtwiftg bis trinkets.'] * De. 
« eiTence, a litll? book French tor teach de elder bro- 

* ders make compliments. Will you, I fay, have any 

* thing that I have ? Will you have all I have. Ma- 

* dam i , 

* L, Ha, Yes, and for the humour's fake, will ne- 
' verpart with this box while I live. Ha, ha, ha !' 

Camp. But, Lady Harriot^ we muft not ftand laugh- 
ing ; as you obferve in your letter, delays are danger- 
ous in this wicked woman's cuftody of you ; therefore, 
I mull. Madam, befeech you, and pray, flay not on 
niceties, but be advifed. 

L, Ha. Mr. Campley, I have no will but yours. 

Camp. Thou dear creature I — But \KiJJesher band,] 
hark'e, then you mufk change dreifcs with Mademoi- 
felle, and go with me inftantly. 

L. Ha, What you pleafe. 

Camp, Madame d'Epingle, I muft delire you to 
comply with a humour of gallantry of ours ; you may 
be fure PU have an eye over the treatment you have 



4^ THE FUNERAL. 

upon my accooat'— ctoly to change habits with Lady 
Harriott and let her go while you ftay. 

Mad. Wit all my heart. \Pffers to mubrtfs btrftlf. 

L. Ha. What, before Mr. Campley i 

Mmd. Oh, Oh, very Anglaife ! Dat is fo Englife; 
all women of quality in France are drefs and undrefs 
by a valet de chambre, de man chamber-maid help 
complexion better den de woman. [ 4pan ta Har« 

L. Ha, Nay, that's a fecret in drefs, Mademot- 
felle, I never knew before ; and am fo unpoliihed an 
Englifh* woman, as to refolve never to learn even to 
drefs before my hulband. Oh, indecency I Mr. 
Campley, do you hear what Mademoifelle fays ?— — 

Mad. Oh, hift! Bagatelle. 

L. Ha. Well, we^ll run m, and be ready in an in« 
fhint. \Exeunt La. Harriot and Mademx>ife!le. 

Camf. Well, 1 like her e^itij minute better and 
better. What a delicate chaitity fhe has ! ' There it 
^ fomething ib grofs in the carriage of fome wives, 

* (tho' they are honeft too) that they tefe their hnf- 

* bands' hearts for faults, which, if they have either 
' good-nature or good- breeding, they know not how 
' to tell them oi. But,' how happy am 1 in fuch a 
friend as Hardy, fuch a miftrefs as Harriot ! 

Continue, Heav'n, a grateful heart to bleia 
With faith in friendship, and in love fuccefs. 

{Exit. 



ACT IV. 
Entw Widow and Truily. 

Widofw. 

MR. Trufty, you have, I do affurc you, the fame 
place and power in the management of my Lord 
Brumpton's eftate, as in his life-time. I am reduced 
to a neceffity of trufting him. \^AJide,'\ However Tat- 
tleaid diffembles the matter, ihe muft be privy to lady 
Harriot's efcajpe, and Fardingale is as deep as them 
both, and I fear will be their ruin^ which it is my 
5 care 



THE FUNERAL, 47 

cju-e and duty to prevent. Be vigilant, and you (hall 
be rewarded, I ihall employ you wholly in lady 
Charlotte's affairs, fhe ii able to pay fervices done for 
both. You have fenfe, and underftand me. 

[Exit Widow. 

Tru/l Yes, I do indeed underftand you^ and coufd 
wifh another conld with as much deteftation as f do ; 
but my poor old lord is fo (Iranrely, fo bewitchedly 
enamoured of her, that even a^er this difcovery of 
her wickednefs, I fee he could be reconciled to her ; 
and though he is aihamed to confefs to me, I know 
he longs to fpeak with her. If I tell lord Hardy all, 
to make his fortune, he would not let his father be 
difhononred by a public way of feparation. If things 
are aded privately, I know ihe will throw us all ; 
there is no middle way ; 1 mud expofe her, to make 
a: TK-onion impradicable. Alas, how is honeft truth 
banifhed the world, when we muH watch the fc^fons 
and foft avenues to men's hearts, to gain it entrance, 
evea for their own good and intereft. [Exit. 

Eni^ Lord Hardy, 0!lunpley, amf Trim. 
. Ldi, H, 1 forget my own misfortunes, dear Cam* 
pky, when I refled on your fucce&. 

Camf. I aifure ^ou it moderates the fwell of joy 
that I am in, to think of your difficulties. I hope my 
felicity is previous^ to yours : my ladv Harriot gives 
iter iervice to you^ and we both think it but decent 
tofufpendfour marriage, till your and lady Charlotte's 
affairs are in the fame poflure« 

U.H. Where is my lady ? 

Cam/. She is at my aunt's, my lord. But, my 
1<m4, if you don't interpofe, I don't know how I fhall 
adjud matters with Mr. Trim, for leaving his mifb-efs * 
behind me ; I fear he'll demand fatisfadion of me. 

Trim. No, Sir; alas, I can know no fatisfadion 
while (he ts in jeopardy ! therefore would rather be 
put in a way to recover her by flormine the caftle, or 
other feat of^arms, like a true enamoured fwain as I am. 

' Camf. Since we are all three then expeding lo- 
' vers, my lord, pr'ythee let us have that fgng of 
' your's which (uits our common purpofe. 



4« T H E P U N E R A L. 

< Id. H. Call in the boy. 

* Enter a Boy^ nxbojings the following Song^^ 

* Ye minates^ bring the happy hour, 

* And Chloc blufliing to the bower ; 

< Then (haU all idle flamej be o'er, 

* Nor eyes or heart e'er wander more : 
' Bothj Chloe, £x'd for e'er on thee ; 

* For thou art all thy fex to me. 

* A guilty is a falfe embrace ; 

* Corinna's love's a fairy-chace \ 

« Be gone, thou meteor, fleetine fire, 

* And all that can't furvive defire. 

* Chloe my reafon moves and awe ; 
'And Cupid (hot me when he faw. 

* Trim. Look you, gentlemen, fince, as yea art 

* pleafed to fay, we are all lovers, and conieqoently 

* poets, pray do me the honour to hear a little air t£ 
"* mine. Vou muft know, then, I once had the mii^ 

* fortune to fall in love below myfelf ; but things 
' went hard with us at that time, fo that my paflion, 

* or, as I may poetically fpeak, my fire, waa in the 

* kitchen : it was towards a cook-maid ; but before I 
' ever faw Mrs. Deborah. 

* -Z,^. H. Come on then. Trim, let us have it* 

■ • Trim, I muft run into next room for a lute. [£!«>.'• 
' Camp, This muft be diverting. Can the rogue 

* play ^ 

' Re-enter Trim, <ivith a pair of tangs, 

* Trim^ Dear Cynderaxa herfelf ver)' well under- 
' ftood this iRftrument> I therefore always fung this 

* fong to it, as thus : 

' Cynderaxa, kind and good, 

' Has all my heart and ftomach too ; 

< She makes me love, not hate my food, 
' As other peevifii wc^nches do. 

* When Venus leaves her Vulcan's cell, 
' Which all but I a coal -hole call, 

' Fly, fly, ye that above ftairs dwell, 
* Her face is wafh'd, ye vanifh all. 

' An4 



THRFUNERAL. 4^ 

^ A ad as (he's fair, ihe can impart 

• That beauty to make all things fine j ; 

* Brightens the floor with wood'rous art, 

' And at her touch the dilhes ihipe« 

* L^. H* I ^rotefl. Will, thbn art a pgct indeed. 
' Aiwi at her touch the dilhes (hine— And yon touch- 
• your lute as ^Xttiy^* 

Enter Bay • 

Boy, There is one Mr. Trufty below, would fpeak; 
with my lord. 

LJ, H. Mr.. Trufty, my father's fteward ! What 
can he have td fay to me ? 

Camp. He is very hoaell, to my knowledge, 

Ltl. H. I remember, indeed^ when I was turned oat. 
of the houfe, he followed me to the gate, and wept* 
over me, for which I have heard he had like to have 
l6ft his place. But, however, I muft advife with yott 
a little, about my behaviour to him. Let us in. 
Boy, bring him up hither; tell him I'll wait on him* 
prefently. [Exit Bty,"] I fliall want you, I believe, here 
Trim. [Exeunt. 

Re-inter Boy, omJ Trufty. 

Boy, My lord will wait 6a yoa heire immediately. 

[Exit Boy. 

Truf, 'Tis very well. Thefe lodgings arc but 
homely for the earl of Br4impton. Oh, that damned, 
trumpet ! that I (hould t\tx know my mailer's wife 
for fuch. How many thoufand things does my head; 
run back to ? After my podr father's death, the good 
lord took me, becaufe he was a captain in his regir 
2nent« and gave me education, I was, I think, three- 
and-twenty when this yoifing lord was chriilened— 
What ado there was about calling hint Francis ! 
\Wipt5 his gyes,] Thefe are but poor lodff]n|;s for him*. 
I cannot bear the joy^ to think that I thM live the fa- ^ 
inily from which I have had my bread. 

.. Enter Tnm. 
Trim. Sir, my brd will wait oa yoa immediatdy. 
Tru/. Sir, 'tis my duty to wait on hirt— *-[jfr Trim * 
4S ^wtg.] Bittj &r, ore not-yoa theyottDgman that 
C .. attended' 



^ THE FUNERAL, 

attended him it Chrift-ditttk in OltfiM^, And have 
Ibllowed him fc^er fince ? 

Trim* Yes, fir, I ftih* 

7r«/. N«y> fir> no katm ; b«t )rte*ll thrire the bet- 
ter for it. 

Trim. I like this old fellow ; I fmell more montfjr. 

[jf/idr. Etit. 

Trm/i I think it is now eight years fi&ce I law him; 
he was not then nineteen, when I followed him to the 
gte, ahd rave hita fifty goineas, which I pretended 
his father lent after him. 

Eiti€r Lord Hardy. 

Lii. H. Mr. Trufty, I am very glad to lee yxm i 
you \o€k feiy hafe and jolly ; yoa wear well ; 1 am 
gM 10 fee u-^Bttt your commands to me, Mr. 
TtvtStyf 

ffmf. Why^ my loi^> I prefmne to wait vpon yoor 
lordlhip M y lord> you are fbangely grown ; ypa 
are your fi&ther's very pidure ; you are he^ my lord ; 
veil are the very rai^ that looked fo plealed to fee me 
look fo fine in my laced livery, to go to court. I was 
his page, when he was jaft fuch another as yod. He 
ki£ed me afore a great many lords, and faid I was a 
brave man's foa, that had taught him Yo exerdfe his 
arm^. I remember he carried mfe to thfe gf^iit wili- 
dow, and bid me be iwtt to keep in your mother's 
fight in all loiy finery. "She was the fiiieft y6ung ti^* 
ture ; * the maids of honbur hated to tee hir at cOfiVt.* 
Mty lord then cburted my eood lady. %\t waJs ds kihd 
to me On her death-bed ; Ihe faid to toe, Mr. *t><kfty, 
t'a^ecare of iny lord's fecohd inafriage, for thai thila's 
fake : The pointed as 'well as Ihe cbufd to ybO ; yba 
fell a-cfying, ahd faid, (he thould not die ; t>ut Ac 
did, iny ^rd \ Ihe left the woVl(!, and no oit^ like h^r 
in it. Jforgive me, iny hdhoarei inaft'er, 'P^r^, 
runs to my hrd^ ani ht^s him^} I've ofkh tamed yoU 
in thete arms'that ^rafp you, they wtre HfonJrcY tten; 
but if I die to-morrow ybu^re wbrth ^vt t!hT>\ffaA*d 
pounds by my gift ; 'tis Wk^t I've got in the family, 
and I vetwm it to yo« with than ks ■ " b ut alas, *do I 
live tf) fee you want it f 

iui, 4i, You confi^und me with all thia tenderaefs 
afadjgoaerofity* 

Trmf. 



THE FUNERAL, 51 

TtuJ* V\\ troable yon «o longer, my lord— but^— - 

Ld. H. Call ic not a troable; for 

Trttf, My good lord, I will not» I fay^ indalge 
myfelf in talking fond tales that melt me, and inter- 
rupt my ftory : my buiinefs to your lord (hip, in on* 
wordf it tkif ; I am in good confidence at prefent with 
my My Dowagtr, and I know ihe has fome fears 
upon her, which depend upon the nature of the iet*' 
tiement to your disfavour \ and under the ro(e — *• 

be yourfelf 1 fear yonr father has not had fair play 

for his life—be compofed, my lord. What is to b# 
done in this ? We'll not apply to public juflice in this 
caie, till we fee farther ; 'twill make it noify, which 
we muft not do, if I might advife. You (hall, witk 
a detachment of your company, feize tlie oorpie as it 
goes out <ii th« houfe this evening to be interred in the' 
country, 'twill only look like taking the adminidra*-' 
tton upon youdelf, and commencing a fuit for the 
ellate; fhe has put off the lying in flate, and lady- 
Harriot's efcape with Mr. Campley makes her lear he 
will prove a powerful friend, both to the young la<-> 
dies and your lord(hip. ' She cannot with decency 

* be (b bu fy, as when the corpfe is oat of the houfe^ 
'' tilwefiire liaiftens it.* I know yoar whole afFairi 

leave the care of lady Charlotte to me. Til pre-ac-- 
^aint lieri that? fhe nHiy*n*t be frightne(l,.aad •difpofe 
of her fafely to obferve the ifTue. 

Ld, H. I wholly tindeHUind you, it fhall be done. 

Truf. I'm'iWe I iam wanted this moment for yom* 
interell at home. This ring (hall be the pa^ort of 
intelligence, for whom you fend to affault us, * and 

• the remittance of it fealed with this, iliall be •u- 
< Pontic ^m within the houfe.' 

iWliJf.**Ti«' very well. 

Truf. Hope-all you ca^ wi(h, my lord, from a cer^^ 
tein^feeret nfclU^ag '♦o -tte «*atc, which Til acjoaSnt 
you \^iih next time I fee you. ySxft, 

' 14, fL 'Vouvlttrvant^ This fellow'^ ttran^ely ho- 

neft-Hal-WiU, 

Enter * Campley ««</' Trim. 
Wi^ll, don^ th6 teernits wait fbr me to ice them at 
their parade before this houfe ? 

?1v>r. Yes, 4n*h>ve wailed .th«fe three hours. 

C a La.U. 



^2 THE FUNERAL. 

Ld, H* Go to them, I'll be there my felf immedi- 
ately : we muH atuck with them, if the roguet» are 
fiurdy, this very evening. 

Trim. I gucis where— I'm overjoyed at it. I'll 
warraat you they do it, if I command in chief. 

Ld, H. I deiign you (hall. [Trim ruu4 ouijumpittg. 

* Camp. You Teem, my lord, to be in deep medi- 
• tation. 

* Ld. H. I am fo, but not on any thing that you 
' may not be acquainted with.' [£x. 
Emier Trim, 'with a Company tf ragged Fellows, nj^iltk 

a Cane. 

1 Zd, Why then I find, Mr. Trim, we (hall come 
to blows before we fee the French 

Trim, Hark'ee, friend, 'tis not your affair to j^uefs 
w enquire what you are going to do, 'tis only &r us 
commanders 

2 5«/. The French ! pox, they are but a company of 
icratching civet-cats— They light ? 

Trim. Hark'ce, don't blufter— were not you a little 
miftaken in your facings at Steenkirk ? 

2 Sol. I grant it ; yon know I have an aiitipath|r 
to the French — -i- 1 hate to fee the dogs— Look you 
here, gentlemen, I was (hot quite through the body 
— — Look you. 

Trim. Pry 'thee, look, where it entered at your 
back. 

2 Sol. Look you, Mr. Trim, you will have.ypar 
jdce, we know you are a wit— -But what's tl^at to a 
£ghting man ? 

Enter Kate. 

Kate. Mr. Trim, Mr. Trim r- 

Trim. Things are not as they h^vQ b^n^ Mrs. 
Kate, I now pay the company— ^~and we .ihat pay 
money exped a little more ceremony— «-r i i 

Kate. Will your honour pleafe to tafte fpme right 
French brandy ? 

Trim. Art thou fure, good woman, 'tis* right f 
\prink5,'\ How — French— pray— nay, if I find you. 
deceive me, who pay the men \prinks. 

Kate. Pray, good mader, have you (poke tq diy 
lord about me ? 

Trim% I have, but you ihall fpeak to hiin yourlelf 

——thou 



THE FUNERAL. 53 

— — thou haft been a true campaigner, Kate, and wt 

mufk not neglcft thee Do you fell grey peafc yet 

of an evening Mrs. Matchlock— —-[jDri»i/ ^^ii/>r. 

Ka/e. Any thing to turn the penny; but I got more 
by crying pamphlets this year, than by any thing I 

have done a great while Now I am married into 

the company again, I defign to crofs the feas next 
year. But, mafter, my hufband, a Temple porteri 
and a parliament-man's footman, laft night by th<^ir 
talk made me think there was danger of a peace ; 
why, they faid all the prime people were againft a 
war. 

Trim, No, no, Kate, never fear, you know I keep 
great company ; all men are for war, but fome would 
have it abroad, and fome would have it at home in 
their own country. 

Kafe, Ay, fay you fo ? drink about, gentlemeifi 
not a farthing to pay ^ a war is a war, be it where it 

will; 'but pray, Mr. Trim, ipeak to my lord, 

that when thefe gentlemen have ihirt* I may waih fcMr 
them, 

Trim. I tell you, if you behave well to-night, yott 
fhall have a fortnight's pay each man as a reward ;• 
but there's none of you induftrious: there's a thoufand 
things you might do to help out about this town »■ 

as to cry- pufF— ^puff pies. Have you any knives 

or fciflars to grind— or late in an evening, whip 
from Grubftreet (Irai^ge and bloody news from Pt^an^ 
ders — votes from the Houfe of Commons-— buhsj 

rare buns old filver lace, cloaks, fuits, or coats 

— old flioes, boots or hats. But here^ here, here's 
my lord a coming— — here's the captain ; fall' back 

int6 the rank ^There move up in the center. 

£«/fr Lord Hardy /i«r</ Cam pley. 

L^. H. Let nie fee whether my ragged friends arc 
ready and about me. 

Kate. Enfign Campley, enfign Campley, J.ahi 
overjoyed to ^e your honour j ha I the world's furely 
altered, ha ! 

Camp. It is fo, 'faith, Kate; why, aft. thoti true lo 
the caufe, with the company flill, honeft Amazon ! 

KAte, Dear fou]> not- a bit of pride in him ; but 
C J HJ^wJx. 



j4 THE FUNERAL* 

won't your booooi kelp me in my buiine& whh my 
lord f Speak for me, noble enfij^ny do. 

Ca»^. Speak to him yourfelC I'll fecond yoa. 

Kaif. Noble captain , my lord, I fappofe Mr. Trim 
hM told your honour about my petition : I have been 
a gjreal iu£[erer in the fervice ; 'tis hard for^ a poor 
woman to lofe nine ha (bands in a war^ and no notict 
taken ; nay, three of them, alas, in the Tame cam* 
paign : here the woman flands that fays it, I never 
ftripped a man 'till I firft tried if he could (land on 
iis legs, and if not, I think 'twas fair plunder, ex- 
cept oar adjutant, and he was a puppy that made my 
fsgkth haihand run the gauntlet for not turning his 
foes out. 

Id.N. Well, we'll confider thee, Kate; but fall 
l>ack into the rear. A roll of what f gentlemen Hoi" 
^Uer»« 

Trim, to MumpkinJ] Do you hear that, my lord 
{Mttfelf can't deny but we are all gentlemen as much 
^irhjbhoaoui'--*-^ 

Ld. H. reaJing.'] Gentlemen foldiers quartered in 
^nd about Guy-Court in Vinegar Yard, in RuflTeU 
Court in Prury-Lane ; belonging to the honourable 
captain Hardy's company of foot— So, anfwer to 
your names, and march o(F from the left— — Corporal 
Swagger, march eafy that I may view you as you pais 
ty me ; drums, Simon Ruflie, Darby Tatoo— — * 
therc's^ a (hilling for you— -Tatoo, be always fQ 
light : how does he keep him(e)f fo clean ? 

TriV*. Sir, iie is a tragedy-drum to one of the play- 
jboufes. 

W. H» Private gentlemen— — Alexander Cowitch, 
Humphrey Mvindungus, William Faggot, Nicholas 
Scab, Timothy Megrim, Philip Scratch, Nehemiah 
Dull, Humphrey Garbage, Nathaniel Matchlock. 

Camp. What, is Matchlock come back to the com- 
pany? that's the fellow that brought me off at Stcen- 

Ld. H, No,. Sir, 'tis I am obliged to him for that j 
\€>jfirhg Id gi<i/e him money] there, friend ; you ihall 
want for nothing, I'll give thee a halbert too. 
JCaU. O brave mc *• ihall 1 be a ferjeant's lady — 

i'faith 



THE FUNERAI-* 55 

i 'faith ni make U^ drums, and tke corporals wives, 
and company- keepers j9^o^v their d^^i^nce. 

Catr^. HofH far ctut oif tl^e coqntry did vpH €Qtn<; (p 
liH i Dofi't ycm come fro^ Cornwall ^ ^ow did you 
bear your €)is|rge;s ? 

Match* I wa^ whipt from ponft^^ble tp oopftabl^— 

Trim. Ay, my Iprdj, that's 4^^ by the cpurt^fjf of 
Englapd to all that want in red cQdt§ \ be fuje^t th^^ s 
an a£l that n^akes us free c^ ^11 cqrpor^^pns^ ^i^i 
that's the cere^notny qf it. 

Cqmp. Put wha( pretence had th^y fpr nfiqg yQfi 
fo i)I, you did ^t pilfer ? 

Mat(h. I was io\\n^ guilty ^i being pQPf. 

Captp. Poor dcv\{ ! 

Z,^, >f. Timothy J^§gg-^Oh» ft^g ! I thqix^U 
when J g^VR yo^j jfOHf dift^^^rgf i4l| befpre the gfi^e,. 
we (hpufd n?v^f l^ivf: hi4 y9«l again S hPW ca^^^ y(4ii 
to )i(t nf]tw ? 

■^fW- '^^ P^l^ 49wn the Fr^pph king, 

Zifi^, ^. Jravi^ly refplvcd-rrrr* but ^u^ ypiir fti*:^ 
' into your breeches/* in th^ IH^an time rrRjea^r.^K 
Tattcr-r-what's become pf ^h^ $im ^d t^^Upi)^ 9f 
your coat ? 

Tatter. In our lafi: cloathing, in the regiiy^gnf \ 
ferved in before, the colonel hi^ one ftjrt before,, the 
agent one behind, apd t\^xf captain of i^^t fe^ifuent 
^ button. 

Ld. H, Hufh, you rogue, you talk m^itinY, [Smiling. 

Trim, Ay, firrah, wha^t h^ye you to do with more 
knowledge than that of yt)ur right hand from your 
-left I {Hits him a Upvj Qfi the Jt^if* 

Ltf. ff, Hugh Ciumpr-rrrClurop, thou groweft a 
Utile too heavy for marchinpr. % 

Trim. Ay, my lord, but if wq don't allpv him the 
pay, he'll darve, for he's too lame to get into the hpf- 
pital. / . : 

Ltf* If' Richard Bumpkin : Ha ! a perfect ciQun* 
try hick^ow came you, friend, to be a foldier f 

Bump* An't pleafe your honour, I have heea crofled 
in love, and am willing to feek my fortune. 
^ Ld. H. Well, I'vefeen enough of them: if you 
mind yqur affair, and aft like a wife general, thcfe 

fellpjvs may do come, take your otdai^* ^\\xa. 

C 4 t*^* 



56 THE FUNERAL. 

futs bis hat M'bisftick, ivbik my loni is giving him th 
ri/igt and 'wbifyers ^^^x.] Well, gentlemen, do your 
liaiiners man folly, and nothing fhall be too good for you. 

* ML jBlefs your honour. \Exe, Lord H. tfn^/Campley. 
Trim. Now, my brave friend5 and fellow-foldiers 

— ~-[tf^^.] I moft feUow-foldier them juft before 
battle, like a true officer, though I cane theoi all the 
year round befide— [5'/rjr///»^ about *'\ Major-General 
Trim, no, pox. Trim founds fo yery fhort and 
priggifli— that my name fhould be a monofyllable ! 
Xut the foreign news will write me, I fuppofe, Mod« 
£ear pr Chevalier Tiimont. Seigneur Trimoni, or 
count Trimuntz, in the German army, I fhall perhaps 
he called ; ay, that's all the plague and comfort of us 
great men, they do fo tofs our names about— —But, 

Sintlemen, ^ou are now under my command'—— 
nzza ! thrice— —fai{:h, this is very pleafing, this 
mndeur ! why, after all, it is upon the neck of foch 
Koundreb as thefe gentlemen, that we great captains 
build our renown ~—A million or two of theie fel- 
lows make an Alexander, and as that my predecefTor 
faid in the tragedy of him on the \try fame occafion, 
»oing to florm for his Statira, fo do I for my dear 
Icmprtrefs, madam d'Epingle. 
When I ruih on, fure none will dare to ftay ; 
" *Ti8 beauty calls, and glory leads the way. 

[ Exeunt, 

ACT V. Entir Trufty and Lord Brumpton. 
y>^^ ^ H E knows no moderation in her good for- 
*^ tune ; • ihe has, out of impatience to fee 
•" herfelf in her weeds, ordered her mantua- woman to 

•• ftitch up any thing immediately' You may hear 

her and Tattlcaid laugh aloud (he is fo wantonly 

merry. 

• Ld. B. But this of Lady Charlotte is the very atmoil 

of all ill • Pray read — but I muft fit — my late 

« fit of the gout makes me adt with pain and con- 
« itraint ^ict me fee ' 

TruA She writ it by the page, who brought it me, 
;u. i had wheedled him to do all their pa£ages. 



I 



THE FUNERAL. 57 

Ld. B. [reads,] 

*• You niuft watch the occaflon of the fervanM 
being gone out of the houfe with the corpie ; Tattle- 
^id Hull conduiEl you to my Lady Charlotte's apart- 
ment — away with her— and be Aire you bed her— — ^ 
Your afFeflionate fitter, Mary Brumpton/f 

Brumpton I The creature — She called as Frank'a 
mother was ? Brumpton ! the fuccuba ! WHat a devil 
incarnate have I had in my bofom ? Why, the com- 
mon abandoned to\vn-wdmen would fcruple fuch ant 
action as this ' Tho' they have loft all regard to 

• their own chaftity, they would be tender of ano- 
' ther's— — why furc (he had no infancy—— She nc- 

• Ver had virginity, to have no compaflion through 

• memory of her own former innocence'— —iThis is 
to forget her very humanity—— her very fex— ■ ■■ 
Where is my poor boy ? where's Frank ? does not he 
want ! how has he lived all this time f— not a fervant, 
I warrant, to attend him — —what company can he 
keep ? what can he fay of his father ? 

Truf. Though you made him not your heir, he is 

ftill your Ton and has all the duty and tendcrneia 

in the world for your meraory -. 

Ld, B. It is impoffible, Trufty, it is impoffible— — 
I will not rack myfelf wiih the thought. That ofld I 
have injured can be fa very good — Keep me in coun- 
tenance—tell me he hates my very name — wou'd 
not afTame my title, becaufe it defcends from me— — 
What's his company ? 

Truf, Young Tom Campley, they are never afunaer. 

Ld. B, I am glad he has ray pretty tattler- the 

chcarful innocent Harriot 1 hope he'll be 

god to hsr— he's good-natured and well-bred^—- ^ 

Truf. But, my lord, fhc was very punctual in or- 
dering the funeral Ihe bid Sable be furc to lay 

yoj deep enough — — -fhs had heard fach floriea .of 
the wicked fextons taking up people — butTwifil, 
^ my lord, you would pleafe to hear her and T^ttleaid 
once more — j— - 

Ld. B. r know to what thy zeal tends — —but I te^l 
you, fince you cannot be convinc'd but that 1 have 
flill a foftnefs for her - 1 fay tho' I had fo^lt^Scv^xsN.^ 
never i^ake me tranfgrefs that kiw^\x\Q\x^\vw^o\vt.^jx 



5« THE FUNERAL, 

Becomes a peer of England— —if I could forget in- 
juries done myfelf thu» grofs— — I never will thofe 
done roy friends— You knew Charlotte*s worthy father 
i— no— —there's no need of my feeing more of this 
Vroman— I behold her now with the fame tycs 
ftv2it yon do— there's a meannefs in all ihe fays or 
does-— ihe has a great wit but a little mind«^fome- 
thing ever wanting to make her appear my Lady 

Brnmpton — '• fne has nothing natively great. You 

Tee I love her not ^I talk with judgment of her— - 

Tru/. I fee it, my good Lord, with joy I fee it— 
nor care how few things I fee more in this world — — 
my fatisfa^ion is compleat^- — welcome old age — - 
welcome decay — 'tis not decay, but growth to a later 
being. [Exit, leading Ld. B. 

Re-enter Trufty meeting Cabinet. 

Tr«/ I have your letter, Mr. Cabinet. 

Cab, I hope. Sir, you'll believe it was not in my 
nature to be guilty of fo much bafenefs ; ' but being 

* born a gentleman, and bred out of all road of in* 

• duftry iu that idle manner too many are, I foon (pent 

• a fmall patrimony j and being debauched by luxury, 

* I fell into the narrow mind to dread no infamy like 

* poverty — which rnadi me guilty, as that paper tells 

• you* — and had I not writ to you, I am fure I never 
could have told you of it. 

Tru/, It is an ingenuous, pious, penitence in you — 
my Lord Hardy— — (to whom this fecret is ineflima- 

ble) is a noble-natured man and you ihall "find 

him fuch 1 give you my word 

Cab. I know. Sir, your integrity 

Tru/, But pray be there— all that you have to do 
is to afk for the gentlewoman at the houfe at my Lord 
Hardy's ihe'll take care of you— And pray have 

fatience, where (he places you, 'till you fee me.— 
Exit Q2ih,'\ My Lord Hardy's being at an houfe 
where they receive lodgers, has allowed me conve- 
nience to place every body I think necellary to be by 
at her difcovery This prodigious welcome fe- 
cret ! I fee, however impradlicable honeil aftions may 
appear, we may go oa with juft hope. 

All 



THE FUNERAL. 59 

All t^t is o^r8J is to b(S y^^y heat. 
And Heav'a in its c^n caafe will bkfs tV ev^nt. 

« £»//r Triffi 1194/ Us Par^. 
* Triiw. March up, march up v -*Now wc are 

* near the citadelr— and halt only to give the neceflkry 
' orders for the engagement — Ha 1 Clump, Cluinp» 

* When we come to Lord Brumpton's door, and yo«i 
' fee us conveniently difpofed about the houfe -rr — 

* you are to wait till you fee a corpfe brought out c£ 

* the houfe- then to go up to him yoa (Aftxvf; xbp 

* director, and afk importunately for an alms to a 

* poor foldier-— — for which you may be fure yop 

* Ihall have a good blow or two-r — but if you have 

* not, be faucy 'till you have -Then when you fee 

' a file of men got between the houfe.and' the body 

* — A file of men. Bumpkin, is fix men— I fay, when 

* you fee the file in fuch a p'ofture, that half the filp 

* may face to the houfe, half to the body you are 

' to fall down, crying murder, that the half file faced 

* to the body may throw it and themfelves over 
'you 1 then march to your rcfcue— — Then, 

* Swagger, you and your party fall in to fecure my 

* rear, while I march off with the body Thcfe 

' are the orders — -and this, with a little improve- 

* ment of ipy own, is the fame difpofition Villeroy 
' and Catinat made at Chiari. [Marches offtwith his 

* party.'' 

Enter Widow in 4efp ntourmngy nvith a dead fquirrel on 
her arm y and Fattleaid. 

Wid. It mull be fo — It muft be your careleflnefs-- 
What had the page to do in my be^-charnber I 

Tat, Indeed, Madam, I can*t teil—fut I .can^ie in 
and catch'd him wringing round his neck— r— — 

Wid. Tell the jafcal from me — he ihall romp with 

the footmen no more. -No--7r-I'll fend the rogup 

in a frock to Jearn Latin among the dirty boys &9^ 
come to good — I wiilT-Bnt it is ey^r fo aiftong Uvefe 
-creatures that live on o^je's fupe;rfiuoji|s afljedtions ; a 
lady> woman, p?^e, ^n4 fquirrel, axe ali^ays rivals. 
Ppor^arxplefs ani^mal -Tr-pi;^ji;ty giylw in df ath. 
' Death might have over-look'd thy little U&— r-^ 
How could'^ diou. Rol^n, kavi& \\vy rc^x& ^jw^ w«>^ 
:' ' "" "^ '^ C 6 ' V^^^ 



eo THE FUfTERAL. 

How was*t« importunate deareft, thoa ihoold'ft die ? 
^ Thou never didft invade thy neighbour's foils : 
•'• Neyer mad'ft war with fpecious ihews of peace : 

* Thou never haft depopulated regions, 

* But chearfully didft bear thy litle chain, 

^ Content— -So I but fed thee with- this hand.' 

Tm^ Alas ! alas I we are all mortal : confider. 
Madam, my Lord's dead too. 
- fTiJ. Ay, but our animal friends do wholly die ; 
'aii^hufl>and or relation, after death/ is rewarded or 

tormented— —that's fome confolation — - 1 know 

her tears are falfc, for ihe hated Robin always 
[mfidr,] Bat ihe's a well-bred difhoneft fervaiit, that 

never fpeaks^ a painful truth But I II refolve to 

coiUquer my aftliftion -—Never fpcak more of Rab'n 

Hide him there -But to my drefs Hovy 

foberly magnificent is black — and the train — I v.cn- 
*der how widows came to wear fuch long; tails ! 

Taf. Why, Madam, the ftateliell of all creatnres 
liafr.^e loiigeft tail, the peacock, nay't has of all crea- 
tures thefineft mien too— —except your lady fhip, who 
are a phoenix 

TFid, Hoi brave Tattleaid But did not you ob- 

•fcFve what a whining my Lady Sly made, whcfi ihe 
had drank a little ? Did you believe her ? Do yea 
thirk there are really people forry for their hulbands ? 

Taf. Really, majdam, fome men do leave their 
fortunes in i^uch diilra^lion, that I believe it may 
be— [S^eaAs 'with pins in her mouth, 

Wid. But I fwear I wonder how it came up to drefs 
-ns thus— I proteft, when all my equipage is ready, 
and I move in full pageantry, I (hall fancy myfelf an 
•ambaffadrefs from the commonwealth of women, the 

dillreffed ftatc of AmazOnia to treat for men 

Hut I proteftl wonder how two of us thus clad can 
m^et with a grave face — methinks they fhould laogh 
out like ' two fortune-tellers, or' two opponent law- 
yers that know each other for cheats. 

Tat^ Ha ! ha ! ha ! I fwear to you, madam, your 

ladyftiip's wit will choke mc one time or other 

J had like to have fwallowed all the pin» in my 
mouth- 

• Wid. Bat^ Tatty > \o Vw^Vq\^^^^\5^^V.\^ that's 



THE FlJNEItAL. . ft 

"^ another barbarous cuilom ; bat the reafon of it, I 

, ^ fappoib, was, that the bafe |people (hould not fee 

^* people of quality may be as afiiidted as themfelves— 

' Tat, No ; 'tis becaufe they (hould not fee them 

* as merry as themfelves. 

* ff^U, Ha! ha! ha! hufley, you never faid that 
*" you fpoke laft why *tis jell 'lis fatire — I'm 

* Aire you faw it in my face, that I was going to fay 
"* ir — 'twas too good for you — Come, lay down that 

* fentencc and the pin-cu(hion, and pin up myOiouIder 

* — Hark'ye, hufley, if you (hou*d, as I hope yon 

* won't, outlive me, take care 1 an't buried in flan- 

* nel, 'twould never become me, I'm fure—That 

* they can be as merry : well, I'll tell my new ac- 

* qnaintance — What's her name ? — (he that reads fo 
' much, and writes verfes— her hulband was deaf the 

* firil quarter of a year — I forget her name— That 
' exprcilion thc*ll like — Weil, that woman does divert 

* me llrangely.— Pll be very great with her — (he 

* ta?k'd very learnedly of the ridicule, 'till (he was 

* ridiculous— then (he fpoke of the decent — of the 

* cigrecaSle — of the infenfible the defigns to print 

' the G'fjourff — but of all things I like her notion of 
*' the inienfible. 

* Tat, Pray, madam, how was that? 

* Wui. A moft ufeful difcourfe to be inculcated iti 

* our teens— the purpofe of it is to diiguifc our ap- 

* prehenfion in this ill-bred generation of men, who 

* (peak before women what they ought not to hear— 

* As now, fuppofe you were a fpark in my compan)'', 

* and you fpoke fome doable entendre 1 lock 

* thus f but be a fellow, and you (liall fee how Til 

* ufe you -The iurenfihle is ufeful upon any occa- 

* (ion, where we feemingly negledt, and lecretly 
' approve, which is our ordinary common cafe — ■ 

* Now, fuppofe a coxcomb dancing, prating, and 

* playing his tricks before me to move me ■ 

' udrhont pleafure or diftaile in my countenance I 
' look at him— -juft thus— :but— Hal ha! ha 1 1 have 

* found out a fupplement to this notion of the infen- 

* fible, for my own ufe, which is infallible, and that 
' is, to )iave always in my head all that they can fay 



^ T H B FUNERAL. 

f or io to me^^o never be furju-ifed with Uogkteiy 
' the occafiQo of which is always fadden-- ■ 
' 7W- Oh« my Lady Brumptoa [Tatileaid i»wi 

* 0nicrhgfs*^ My lady, your moft obedient fervant-^ 

' Wid. Look you, wench, you fee, by the art of 

* iDfenilbUity, 1 put you out of countenance, though 

* you were prepared for an ill reception — 

* Tat. On ! madam how juftly are you formed 

' for what is now fallen to you, the empire of man- 
.« kind— 

* Wid. O fir, that puts me out of all my infenfibility 

* at once — that was fo gallant — ' \A nn/t nuitbin.'^ 
Bring him aloHf, bring him along,'] Ha ! what noiic it 
that — that noife of fighting—Run, I fay — Whither 
are you going — What, are you mad— Will you leave 
me alone— ^ Can't you flir— What, you can't take 
your meiTage with you — Whatever 'tis, I fuppofe yon 
are not in the plot ; not you — Nor that now they're 
breaking open my houfe for Charlotte— Not you— 
Go fee what's the matter, I fay->I have nobody I can 
trull— One (Exit Tattleaid.l minute I think this 
wretch honeft, and the next ulfe— Whither ihali I 
turn me ? 

Taf, Madam Madam ! [Re-entering. 

Wid. Madam, madam, will you fwallow me gap- 
ing— 

Tat, Pray, good my lady, be not fo out of humour 
—But there is a company of rogues have fet upon 
our fervants and the ourial man's, while others ran 
away with the corpfe 

Wid. How, what can this mean ? what can they 
do with it ! ' Well, 'twill fave the charge of inter- 
' men t— But to what end V 

Enter Trufty, and a/ervant bloody and dirty ^ bauUmgin 
Clump and Bumpkin. 

^rr. I'll teach you better manners— 1*11 ploor foldier 
you — You dog you, I will — Madam, here are two of 
the rafcals that were in the gang of rogues that car- 
ried away the corpfe — 

Wid. We'll examiae them apart— Well, firrah, 
what are you ^ whence came you ? what's your name \ 
£rrskh* [Clump males fegns as a djcmjk nu^n. 

Sfr. O, you dov^, ^om qquV4 ^^^VLV^^oid enough }uft 



THE FUNERAL. C5 

AOWt firrah» when your brother roguei m^ulfd Mr* 
^able— — we*fl make yoa fpeak, firrah-*— — 

IFid, Bring the other fellow hither— 1 fuppoTe you 
will own you knew that man before you faw him at 
my door } 

Clump. I think I have feen the gentleman's face. 

[6o*win^ to Bumpkia* 

fFU. The gentleman's ! the villain mo9k8 me — 
But, friend, you look like an honeft man, what are 
you ? whence come you ? What are you, friend f 

Bumf. ITe at preient but a private s^entleman, but 
I was liiled to be a ferjeant in my lord Hardy's com- 
pany— I'fe not aihamed of my name, nor of my kop- 
tin 

IFid. Leave the room all. [Exeunt all hut Trudy 
atui Tattleaid.]— Mr. Truft)r— Lord Hardy ! O that 
impious young man-^thus, with the facrilegioos hands 
of ruffians to divert his father's afhes from their urn, 
and reft— I fufpeft this fellow, [jifide,'] Mr. Trufty, 
I mull defire you to be Hill near me — 1*11 know the 
bottom of this, and go to lord Hardy's lodgings, as I 
am, inftantly — *Tis but the backfidc of this itreet, I 
think — Let a coach be called — Tattleaid, as foon as 
J am gone — conduft my brother and his friends to 
lady Charlotte, away with her — ^bring Mademoifelle 
away to me — that (he may not be a witne fs — Come> 
good Mr. Trufty. ^ {Exeunt. 

Enter Lord Hardy, leading Harriot ; Campley aifd 
Trim. 

L, Ha. Why then I find this Mr. Trim is a perfedl 
general — * but TU affure you, fir, I'll never allow 

* you an hero, who could leave your miftrefs behind 

* y©u; you ihould have broke the houfe down, but 
' you (hould have brought Mademoifelle with you.«r- 

' Trim. No, really, madam, I have feen fuch 
' ilrange fears come into the naen's heads, and fuck 
' Ilrange refolutions into the women's, upon the oc- 
' caHon of ladies following a camp, that I thought 

* it more difcreet to leave her behind me-^-my fuccefs 
' will naturally touch her as much as if ihe were 
€ here 

L. Ha. ' A good intellige^it arch felloisr thi». 
.[<J/Wf.]' Bu; wpM n^ you ikying, ra^ lwd» >jwxVk^- 



«4 THEPUNER A L, 

lieved lady Brampton would follow hither ? — if lo» 

pray let me be gone*— -— 

Ld. H. No, madam ; I maft befeech vour ladylhip 
to ftay, for there are things alledgea againll her 
which yon, who have lived in the family, may« per- 
haps, give light into, and which I can't believe even 
(he could be guilty of. 

L. Ha. Nay, my lord, that's jgenerous to- a folly, 
for even for her ufage of you, (without regard to my- 
felf } I am ready to believe (he would do any thing 
that can come into the head of a clofc, maliciouSi 
cruel, defigning woman. 

Enter Bey, 

B^y. My lady Brumpton*s below — r— • 

I, Ha. rilrun then 

Camp, No, no, Hand your ground"; . you're a fol- 
dier's wife. Come, we'll rally her to death. 

Ld, H, Pr'ythee entertain her a little, while I go 
in for a moment's thought on this occaflon* [Exit, 

L, Ha, She has more wit xhan us both ' 

Camp. Pihaw, no matter for that Be fure, as 

foon as the fentcncc is out of my mouth, to clap in 
with fomcthing elfe — and laugh at all I fay; I'll be 
graceful, and burft myrdf at my pretty wicty wife — 
We*ll fall in flap upon her — She fhau*t have time ;o 
fay a word of the running away. [Enter Lady B rump- 
ton tfWTrully.] O, my lady Brumpton, your lady- 
fhip's moft obedient fervant. This is my lady Har- 
riot Campley— — Why, madam, your ladylhip is im- 
mediately in your mourning — Nay, as you have 
. more wit than any body, fo (what ieldom wits have) 
you have more prudence too — Other widows have 
nothing in readinefs butafecond hulband — but you, 
. I fee, had your very weeds and drefs lying by you — 

La, H. Ay, madam ; I fee your ladylhip is of the 
order of widowhood, for you have put on the ha- 
bit 

IFid* I fee your ladylhip is riot of the profeflion of 
virginity, for you have loll the look on't — 

Catkp, You're in the habit— That was fo pretty ; 
jiay, without -flattery, lady Harriot, you have a great 
deal of wit, ha I ha \ \i'\ \ 

La,U. No, my \«ji^ 1ii\xtc\^X^Tk.V.»vv%^^>^wftan 



THE FUNERAL. 65 

]ef wit; bot indeed ihe has got but Httle enoagh', 
"toniidering how much her ladyfhip has to defend. 
Ha I ha ! ha ! 

IVid. I'm forry, madam, your Jady(hip has not 
what's fufficient for your occahons^ or that this pretty 
^ntleman can't fupply them'^[Camplcy dancing 
about, and iro/ltngjj Hey-day, I find, fir, your heejs 
are a great help toyourhead— They relieve your wit, I 
fee ; and I don't queftion but ere now they have been 
as kind to your valour ; ha ! hal 

Camp, Pox, I can fay nothing, *tis always thus 
with your endeavours to be witty. [Jfide.'] I faw, ma- 
dam, your mouth go, but there could be nothing of- 
• fercd m anfwer to what my kdy Harriot faid— 'Twas 
home — *Twas cutting fatire 

La. H. Oh, Mr. Campley ! But f^^y» madam, has 
Mr. Cabinet vifited your ladyfhip unce this calamity 
—How Hands that affair now ? 

Wid^ Nay, madam, if you already want inftruftiona 
-— I'll acquaint you how the world Hands, if yon afe 
in diflrefs — but I fear Mr. Campley overhears us. 

Camp, And all the tune the pipers played, was toU- 
toll-doroll — I fwear, lady. Harriot, were I not already 
yours, I could have a tendie for this lady. 



If'id. Come, good 



p. 



folks, J find we are very free witk 
makes vou two here ? Do you 



each other— What makes you two here? Doyoa 
'board my lord, or he you ? Come, come, ten fhilfings 
a head will go a great way in a family-^What do 
yqu hy, Mrs. Campley, is it fo i Does your ladyfliip 
go to market yourfelf ? — Nay, you are in the right 
of it — Come— can you imagine what makes my lord 
llay^ — He is not now with his land fteward-Hiot 
'figning leafes, I hope ; ha I ha 1 ha ! 

Camp, Hang her, to have more tongue than a man 
and his wife too— • [Jfids* 

Enter Lord Hardy. 

Ld, H, Btcaufe your ladyfliip is, I Know, in very 
much pain in company you have injur'd-nr— I'll bb 
ftiort— Open thofe doors — there lies your hu(band*s, 
my father's body, and by you flands the man accufcs 
you of poifoning him 1 

Wid. Of poifoning him ! 

Tru/, The fymptoms will appear u^on Oci^ ccjt^V * 



66 THB FUNERAL. 

Ld. H. But I am feized by natures-How ihall f 
View a breatbleia lum)> of clay<nHiiir vbofe higb 
veins conveyed to me this vital force and motion. 

I cannot bear this fight f 

I am as £x'd and motionlefs as be- . . ■ 

[Thijf tpen tbi coffin p out of imhicb^jua^s 
Lady Charlotte, 
Art thou the ghaftljr ihape my mind b^d form'd ! 
Art thou the cold in anin\ate— bright in^d ! 
'Thou giv'ft new higher life to all arouod* 
Whither dpes fancy, fir*d with love convey mc ! 

* Whither traqfported by my ple^fiog fury I 

* The feafon vaniihes at thy approach ; 

* 'Tis morn, 'tis fpring - 

« Daifies and lilies ilrow thy flow'ry way.*^ 
Why i| my fair unmov'd-r-My hi^av'nly fi|ir|, 
Do^s ftp but fmile at my exalted r^pmre ? 

L. Ch. Oh, fenfeof praife (Q pi^ upffii( b^for^» 
. Speak oi>» fpeak on, and qharm my ^teptiye ear : 
llow fwieet ^ppli^ufe is froiQ an h9pc;ft tongti«! 
' Thou iQv'it my mind-*-H^ft well afie^UpQ plac'd i 
^ In what, nor time, nor age, nor care, nor want pan 

alter.' 
Oh, how I joy in thee— My eternal loyer ; 

* Immutable as the obje^ of thy flame \ 

* I h)ve, I'm prpud, I triumph that I love, 

' Pure I approach tbee-rNor did I with empty Ihows 

' Gorgeous attire, or ftudied negligence, 

' Or long, or dai)ce, or ball, allure thy foul ; 

' Nor want, or fefir, fuch arts to keep or lofe it :.' 

"^OT now with fond reluftaqce doubt to enter 

My fpacious, bright abode, thi^ gallant heart. 

[Reclines on Hardy. 

Z. Ha. Ay> marry r-thefe are high doings indeed; 
^he greatnefs of the occafion has buri]t their paffion 
into fpeech— V/hy, Mr. Campley, when we are near 
Xhefe fine fplks, you and I are but mere fweet- hearts 
^— I protell —I'll never be won fo ; you ihall begin 
9gain with me. 

Camp, Pr'ythee, why doil name us pcor animals ! 
They have forgot there are any fuch creatures a^ their 
oid acquaintance Tom and Harriot. 

L4* H* So we 4^ uid^e^, Wx ^om'U pardpn us. 



THB FUNERAL. 67 

. C4mp» My lord^ I never thought to f<?« tbe minute 
wherein I fhoald rejoice at your forgetting me, but 
now I do heartily* ]imhrMcing. 

L, Ck. Harriot. \ v l^ - 

L. Ha. Charlotte: \ ^^^'n- 

Wid. Sir, you're at the bottom of all this— I fep 
your (kill at dofe conveyances— I'll know the mean*, 
ing inHantly of thefe intricacies ; 'tis not your feem^ 
ing honeAy and gravity fhajl fave you from your de- 
ferts ■ ■ My hu/band's death was fudden — You 
and the burial fellow were obftrv'd very fainiliar -*— • 
Produce my hufband's body, or 1*11 try you fpr his 
murder ; which I find you'd put on me, thou helliQi 
engine ! 

. Ttk/ Look you, madam> I could anfwer you, but 
I fcorn to reproach people in mifery-^you're undone 
—madam ■' 

Wid> What does the dotard mean ? Produce the 
body, villain, or the law fhall have thine for it— — 
I^Truily Exit hafiih.'X Do yon ddfign to let the villain 
cfcape \ How judJy did your father judge, that made 
you a beggar with tha( fpirit-^You mentioned juft 
now, you could not bear the company of thofe you'd 
injur 'a. 

L'd. H. You are a woman* maddin^. a^ my fa- 
ther's widow-*But fare you think you've highly in- 
jured me. 

\Hjere n>y Lord tmd Trqfty half enter 4nd ^bferve. 

JFid, No, fir, I have not, will not injure you — I 
muft obey the will of my deceafed lord to a tittle— 
I mud juftly pay legacies. Your father, in con fide- 
ration that you were his blood, would not wholly 
alienate you— He left you, {\t, this ibilling, witj^ 
which eftate you npw are earl of Srumpton. 

Id. H, Infolent woman -*-It was not me my good 
father difinherited, 'twas him you reprefented. The 
guilt was thine, he did an aii of juftice. . 

Lord Brumpton entering ivith Tr^fty. 

Ld. B. Oh, unparalleled goodnefs ! 
* [Tattelaid an^i MademoifelTe at tbe other door en^ 

' tering,] 
' ^ Truf, Ob, Tattelaid— His ^nd our hour is come 1* 



68 THE F U N E R A t. 

IFiJ. What do I kt, my lord^ my mafter^ holband 
living ! 

IJ, B, [Turmiftg from her, runntnz to JbisJomJ] Oh, 
my boy, my fon ' ' M r. CampTey — Charlotte — 

Harrioc-*-[-i7/ kneeling to hun.] On, my chiklrea — 

* Ob, bh, thefe paffions are too ftrong for my old 

* frame— —Oh, the fweet torture, my fon, my fon I* . 
I (hall expire In the too* mighty pleafure ! my boy ! 

Li/, H, A fon, an heir ! a briaegroom in one hoar I 
Oh, grant me Heaven, grant me moderation !, 

^/V. A fon, an heir ! Am I ncgledled then I 
What I can my lord revive, yet dead to me ? 
Only to me deceafed— — to me alone, 
peaf to my %hs, and fenfelefs to my moan ? 

£^. B, *Th Co long ftnce I have fcen plays, good 
madam, that I know not whence thoa doft repeat, 
nor can I anCwer. 

fi^id. You can remember though a certain fettle^ 
mtiix, in which I am thy fon and neir— ^ereat Noble, 
that I fuppofe.not taken from a play, that's as irtt* 
vocable as law; can make, it, ' that if you fcorn me — 

* your death arid life are equal Or I'll Itill wear 

* my mourning, 'caufe you're living.' 

Tru/, .Value her not, my lord ; a prior obligation 
made you incapable of fettling on her, your wife. 

Ld. B. Thy kindnefs, Trully, does diftrad thee— 
I would indeed difengage myfelf by any honfcd means, 
but^ alas, I know no prior gift that avoids this to her 
^' Oh, my child.' 

T'rw/. Look you, madam, I'll come again imme- 
diately — Be not troubled, my dear lords— — [Exif^ 

Camp, Trufty looks very confident, there is foaie 
good in that. 

Re tntcr Trw^y ^ifh Ciihinct, 

CaB. Wha^ ! my lord Brumpton living? ^nay 

then 

Truf, Hold, fir, you mud not ftir, nor can yoo, 
fir, retra<St this for your hajid- writing — My lord, 
this gentleman, fince your fuppofrd death, has lurked 
about the houfe to fpeak with my ladf, or Tattleaid, 
who, upon your deteafe, have Ihunned him, in hopes, 
J fiinpofe, to bay VAvn oiT for ever ~ Now, as he was 
rr\infr about, he ]^^ep'd mo'^'OMi O^^fe^— v^here he 



THE FUNERAL. 69 

faw yoar lordfhip readitig-i-ftruck with horror, and 
believing himfelf (as well he might) the dilturber of 
your ghoft for alienation of your fortune from your, 
family-— he writ me this letter^ wherein he acknow-> 
ledges a private marriage with this^ lady, half a year, 
before you ever faw her. 

JiL How! [-</// turn upon her difdainfulhf^ 

Wid, No more a widow then> but iHll a wife. 

\Rtconjtring from her confufin*. 
1 am thy wife— -thou author of my evil. 

* Thou muft partake with me an homely board, 

* An homely board that never (hall bechearful ; 

* But ev*ry meal embitter'd with upbraidings/ 
Thou that could'ft tell me, good and ill were words. 
When thou could'ft bafely let me to another. 

Yet could'ft fee fprights, great dnbeliever ! 
Coward ! bugg-bear'd penitent ■ 

* Stranger henceforth to all my jo^s, my joys. 

* To thy diihonour; defpicable thing, 

* Diflionoup thee !' Thou voluntary cuckold ! 

Thou difgrace to thy own fex, and the whold human. 
May fcorn and beggary purfue thy name, [race i. 
And dark defpair clofe up a life of fhame, 

[Cabinet yiiMi/ off. Widow flings after him,. 
* Tattleaid fJlo-wing. ' 
Ld, B, I fee you're all confafed as well as I-:— Yc. 
are my children—- 1 hpld yoo all fo. And for your, 
own ufe will ipeak plainly to you, I cannot hate that, 
woman : nor mall me ever want. Though I fcorn to. 
bear hex injuries " yet had I ne'er been roufed 

* from that low paflion to a worthlefs creature—. 
' but by difdain of her attempt on my friend's child.'. 
I am glad that fcom's confirmed by her being that, 
fellow's— whom for my own fal^e I only will contemn.. 
Thee, Trufty, how (hall we profecute with eoual praifc 
and thanks for this great revolution rin.our bgufe. 

Trie/,. Never to fpeak on't more, my lord. 

' Ld, B. You are now, gentleman, going into cares 
' at a crifis in your country. 
' And on this great occaiion, Tom-— —I'll mount 
' Old Campley which thy father gave me, 
' And attend thee a ckearful gay old man, 

'Into 



70 THE FUNERAL. 

* Into the field to reprefent oar coantiy. 

* M)r rough Plebeian Britons, not ye dates 
« To 'France, (hall monnt thy father's Ton 

* Upon their flioulders. Echo loud their joy— 

* Vndle I and Trafty follow wee|»n^ af^r ; 
' But be thou honeft, firm^ impartial, 

' Let neither love, nor hate, ndr faction mora thee^ 

* DifHngai(h words from things, and men from crimes; 

* Paodual be thou in payments, not bafely 

* Screen thy faults 'gainft law, behind the 

* Law thott mafceft-*— 

^ But thou, againftmy death, mnft learn a faperero^ 
' gatory morality. [?» Lord Hardy. 

' As he is to be juft, be generous thoa : 
« Nor let thy reafonaMe foul be ftrutk 
' With fouira? and appellations ; title is 

* No more, if not fignificant 

* Of fomcthing that*8 fiiperior in thyfelf 
' To other men, of which thou may 'A be 

* Confcioas, yet ncrt prood— — But if you fwerve 

* From higher virtue than the trtiwd poftefs, 

« Know they that tali thee honourable mock thee. 

* You are to be a peer by birth, to judge, 

* Upon ycmr honour, others lives and fwtuncs ; 

* Becaufe that honour's dearer thaai your own, 

* Be good, my ifan, and be a worthy terd : 

« For when our (hihin|; virtues blefs mankind, 

* We difappoint the livid tnalecofttettt^, 

* Who hmg to tall our noWe order iifelefs. 

* Oor all's in danger, fir, nor ftali you dally 

* Your youth away with your fine wives. 

* No, in your co[untry*s caufe yon ftraU meet death, 

* While feeble we with pinds refigned-do waitit. 

' Not bat I intend your nuptials tis Toon as poffible, to 

* draw in tails and -fetfletneiYts. How neceffary- fuch 

* things are, 1 had like to have been a fatal infcwce. 

* Camf, But, my lofd, here- are at^oople that need 
*'not wait Cich «oeretttonies* Pleafe btrt to fit ; you 

* have been extremely moved, and m\a^ be ttred. 

* Yon fajr we mutl not ipend our time in dalliance: 
' you will fee, my lord, the entertainment reminds 

* us alfo of nobler things ; and ^what I -defigned fer 
' my own wedding, I'll compliment the general with. 

' The 



THE FUNERAL. 71 

* The bride ^afices finely Trim, will yon dance 

* with h^r ? 

* Trim, I would, bUt I can't— Thfcfe b a Country- 

* roan of hers Without by accident. 

* Camp. Ay, but is he la dancer f 

* Trim, Is a !^rtiichrtan a dancer? Is a Wclfliman 

* a gentleman \ V\\ bring him in— — 

* [Here a dance, and the foUo'whg fongs* 

S O N G I. 

* On yonder bed fupinely laid, 

' behold thy lov'd expe£lin^ maid ; 

* In tremor, bluflies, half m tears, 

' Much, much fhe wifhes, more (he fears. 

* Take, take her to tliy faithful arms, 

* Hymen bellows thee ail her charms. 

< Heav'n to theie bequeathB the fair, 
' To raife thy joy, and lull thy care ; 
' HeavVi 4»«ie grief, if mutual, ceafe, 
^ But joy divided, to increafe : 
' To mourn with her excee<h delight, 

* Darkilefs with he*-, the joys ©f fight. 

S O N O 11. 

* Arife, arife, great dead, Ibr arm^ i^enown'd, 

* Rift "itoTti yottt \ifns, ^nd fevc your dying ftofy, 

* Your deftds will be rn dahk eyblivioti drCmi'S, 

* For mighty WilKaiti feisrfcs all yt)tir ^iWy . 

* Again the Britifli trumpet founds ; 

' Again Bi'itannia Weeds ; 
' To glorious death, or comely wounds, 
' H^r godlike itumarch leads. 

* Pay us, icsftd.fdile, the debt you owt^ 

* Celeiliai «iin4s kom ^^ untie. 

* Let coward fpirits dwell -below, 

* And only ^ve^tlie b*ave to die.* 

Ld, B. Now, ganteWKfltt, let the mLMka ^ioh R 
have but miracutWi% ^fb»dls «d«onifli y^« to haV*, 
always inclinati«WS tfWpelr wr the ftagfe^iife yo«i are 
in. ' Don't fAflfvlwue, wkennatttrft ^Mcs b«it ««ife^ 
' otherwife ywi Will ftll Alto « lethargy iX yOur <Uf- 

* honour, wk»ft wartH fwrfuits of iglory urc dvtr wkh 
« you ; for fadit pKoA Hit «fc ^mr cppdttes.' . . 



72 THE FUNERAL. 

You who the path of honour make your eaide» 
Mull let your paffion with your blood fubiide. 
And no untim'd ambition » love, or rage. 
Employ the moments of declining age ; 
Elfe boys will in your prefence lofe their fear. 
And kugh at the grey head they (hould revere. 

' [Exeunt omnei^ 

E p I L o G u E. 

T OVEy b^pe, and fear, defire^ a'verfion, rage, 1 
All that can move tbe/oniy or can ajfnage,. > 

Are dranun in miniature of life ^ the ft age, j 



Here you can vie^v yotirfel'vei , and here is ftwwn. 

To luhat you* re bom, in fufferings not your o-wn. 

X be ft age to <wifdom*s nofantaftic nuay, 

Athens herfelf Uarn* d virtue at a play.* 

Our author me to-nighf a foldier dre^ ; 

But faintly vjrit, vibat vjarmly you purfue : 

To bis great purpofe, bad he equal fire. 

He* d not aim to pUafe only, but infpirA ^ 

He*d fing imbat hovering fate attends our ijte. 

And from bafe pleafure roufe to gkrious toil'* * 

Full time the earth /' a nevj decsjfion brings. 

While William gives the Roman eagle wings : 

With arts and arms ft}all Britain tamely end. 

Which naked Pi£is fo bravely could defend'. 

The pMTited heroes on th* invaders prefs. 

And think their vjounds addition t9 their drefs : 

In younger years vje*ve been ivith conpieft bleft. 

And Paris has the Britift> yoke confefs^d ; 

/j V then in England, in blefs^d England, knovm. 

Her kings are nam^dfrom a revolted throne ? 

But vje offend ■ You no examples medi 

In imitation ofyourfelves proceed ; 

*Tis you your country* s honour muft fecure ; 

Be all your anions voorthy of Namnr : 

With gentle fires your gallantry improve ; 

Courage is brutal,, if untouch* dvjifb love* 

If fi>on our utmoft bravery^ s not difplqfd. 

Think that bright circle muft be captives made ; 

Let thoughts of faving them our toils beguile, . 

And they rev:ard our labours vjitb a fmik. 

F 1 1\ I S, . 



fr'